Wikiquote enwikiquote https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page MediaWiki 1.47.0-wmf.3 first-letter Media Special Talk User User talk Wikiquote Wikiquote talk File File talk MediaWiki MediaWiki talk Template Template talk Help Help talk Category Category talk Draft Draft talk TimedText TimedText talk Module Module talk Event Event talk 0 392 3944474 3920378 2026-05-23T13:46:21Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944474 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Erica Jong08.JPG|thumb|No one ever found wisdom without also being a fool.]] '''[[w:Erica Jong|Erica Jong]]''' (born [[26 March]] [[1942]]) is an American author and educator. Born in [[w:New York City|New York City]], Jong graduated from [[w:Barnard College|Barnard College]] in 1963. She is best known for her first [[w:novel|novel]], ''Fear of Flying'' (published in [[w:1973|1973]]), which created a sensation with its frank treatment of a woman's sexual desires. == Quotes == [[File:Jong, Erica -MBFI 2013 fRF 02.jpg|thumb|My advice to a young writer: Never give up. Read everything you can read — particularly the writers who move you deeply. Study how they do what they do. Read and read and read ... and write and write and write.]] [[File:Weiner, Jennifer & Jong, Erica -MBFI 2013 fRF 03.jpg|thumb|I myself hate that old [[Ernest Hemingway|Hemingwayesque]] paradigm of the writer as prizefighter and I have tried hard to create an alternate one for myself. When [[Anne Sexton]] admonished me, "'''We are all writing God's poem'''," I took it to mean there should be no competition between writers because we are all involved in a common project, a common prayer. ]] * I myself hate that old [[Ernest Hemingway|Hemingwayesque]] paradigm of the writer as prizefighter and I have tried hard to create an alternate one for myself. When [[Anne Sexton]] admonished me, "'''We are all writing God's poem'''," I took it to mean there should be no competition between writers because we are all involved in a common project, a common prayer. But to [[Gore Vidal|Gore]]'s and [[Norman Mailer|Norman]]'s generation, particularly those male writers who served in the second world war, the prizefighter paradigm remains. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian/2000/oct/26/features11.g2 "Into the lion's den" in ''The Guardian'' (26 October 2000)] * I have had the experience of having my sister get up at a meeting at Columbia University, where these scholars from all over the world were anointing ''Fear of Flying'' as a classic. And my sister got up and said, "Erica Jong has ruined my life — with her books." ** {{cite journal|title=PEN DIY: Erica Jong on How to Write YOUR Book|journal=PEN America, YouTube|date=February 5, 2015|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9czySBu_kjE}} (quote at 14:05 of 36:38) * My advice to a young writer: Never give up. Read everything you can read — particularly the writers who move you deeply. Study how they do what they do. Read and read and read ... and write and write and write. ** {{cite journal|title=Erica Jong Interview: Advice to the young|journal=Louisiana Channel, YouTube|date=August 24, 2016|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTXex9_SyDU}} === ''[[w:Fear of Flying (novel)|Fear of Flying]]'' (1973) === [[File:Jong1.jpg|thumb|The zipless fuck is absolutely pure. It is free of ulterior motives. There is no power game. The man is not "taking" and the woman is not "giving." No one is attempting to cuckold a husband or humiliate a wife. No one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone. The zipless fuck is the purest thing there is.]] [[File:Erica Jong02.JPG|thumb|It's only when you're forbidden to talk about the future that you suddenly realize how much the future normally occupies the present.]] * Underneath it all, you longed to be annihilated by love... * Each one an antidote to the one that went before. Each one a reaction, an about-face, a rebound. ** ''(About Men)'' * The zipless fuck is absolutely pure. It is free of ulterior motives. There is no power game. The man is not "taking" and the woman is not "giving." No one is attempting to cuckold a husband or humiliate a wife. No one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone. The zipless fuck is the purest thing there is. And it is rarer than the unicorn. And I have never had one. * Pregnancy seemed like a tremendous abdication of control. Something growing inside you which would eventually usurp your life. * I'm just trying to lead my own fucking life if I can manage to ''find'' it in all this confusion. * Dancing is like fucking... it doesn't matter how you ''look'' - just concentrate on how you feel. * I want you. I want you. I want you. Anything to avoid saying: I love you. * The ultimate sexist put-down: the prick which lies down on the job. * Silence is the bluntest of blunt instruments. * I'm very dependant. I fall apart regularly. * Sheer bitchiness can be a sort of style. * It's only when you're forbidden to talk about the future that you suddenly realize how much the future normally occupies the present. * Exceptional people ''are'' often called crazy by the ordinary world. * Everyone's a little crazy when you get inside their head... it's only a matter of degree. === ''[[How to Save Your Own Life]]'' (1977) === [[File:Erica Jong by Bernard Gotfryd edit.jpg|thumb|Without sex it would be so easy to choose appropriate people to live with. Sex was the joker in an otherwise rational deck.]] * I convinced myself that sadness and compromise were the ways of the world... * Having a baby with him meant marrying that face forever. * All people believe their suffering is greater than others. * Humor is a survival tool. * How could one create life with someone who represented death? * Inevitably, I drank too much, talked too much, smiled too hard, swallowed back too much bile. * My body was flesh, which was only one step removed from shit, from clay, from dust. * Keeping a journal implies hope. * The worst thing about jealousy is how low it makes you reach. * And what if I don't ''want'' forgiveness? * Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't... * Friends ''love'' misery... our misery is what endears us to our friends. * It takes a spasm of love to write a poem. * They all cheat sooner or later. You might as well have one who isn't a bore the ''rest'' of the time. * ...jealousy makes the prick grow harder. And the cunt wetter. * Love is love, but marriage is an investment. * Unhappiness is our element. We come to believe we can't function without it. * Without sex it would be so easy to choose appropriate people to live with. Sex was the joker in an otherwise rational deck. * Loving someone ''is'' a loss of freedom -- but one doesn't think of it as loss because one gains so much else. * There is a rhythm to the ending... * Many people today believe that cynicism requires courage. Actually, cynicism is the height of cowardice. It is innocence and open-heartedness that requires the true courage -- however often we are hurt as a result of it. * If you apologize for something that isn't your fault in the first place, you, in effect, confirm their belief that it is your fault. * Is perception equivalent to existence? * Photographs... are the most curious indicators of reality. * ...the ocean kept falling into itself, gathering itself up, and falling into itself again. * The future is merely a shadow which blocks out the joys of the present and emphasizes the miseries of the past. * What was the point of spending your life with someone you were always looking for ways to deceive? * I only know that in our choice of friends and lovers and teachers who will change our lives, we are guided by forces which have nothing to do with the rationalizations we give. * Jealousy is all the fun you ''think'' they had. === ''Becoming Light: Poems New and Selected'' (1991) === * Pain is not love. Love flowers; love gives without taking; love is serene and calm. * Driving me away is easier than saying goodbye... * Betrayal does that -- betrays the betrayer. * It is our old love I love. * I look forward and see myself look back. * In loving life you love what can't survive... * Why does life need evidence of life? * I am not sure if love is a salve or just a deeper kind of wound. * ...I am sure that when we love we are better than ourselves and when we hate, worse. * The best slave does not need to be beaten. She beats herself. * Birth is the start of loneliness and loneliness the start of poetry... * Since flesh can't stay, we pass the words along. * Hate generalizes; love is particular. * Because I loved myself, I was loved. * ...if you don't risk anything, you risk even ''more''. ==="Blood and Guts: The Tricky Problem of Being a Woman Writer in the Late Twentieth Century"=== In ''The Writer on Her Work'' edited by Janet Sternburg (2000) *For women writers the systematic discouragement even to attempt to become writers has been so constant and pervasive a force that we cannot consider their literary productions without somehow assessing the effects of that barrage of discouragement. *For women writers the systematic discouragement even to attempt to become writers has been so constant and pervasive a force that we cannot consider their literary productions without somehow assessing the effects of that barrage of discouragement. Often discouraged in the home, often at school, often by families and spouses, the rare woman writer who does not lose her determination along the way is already a survivor. That one should next have to face the systematic discouragement of a male-oriented literary establishment is absurd and sad but nonetheless a real fact of life for many women writers.* (No one has chronicled this repression better than [[Tillie Olsen]] in her splendid book Silences (1978).) The truth is that many of us are doomed to do our best work in an atmosphere of condescension and loneliness. Yet perhaps there is some sense in which that lack of establishment approval is a blessing, for an artist must learn (the sooner the better) that he or she works for the work itself, not for approval, and it is easier to establish that sense of creative independence when approval is lacking than when one is seduced by it. *school is a microcosm of our society's values. *Sexism is somewhat better hidden now-though it is far from eradicated. *when I go to read my work at colleges, I find the students reading and discussing contemporary writing by women as if there never had been a time when a Distinguished Critic could say "Women can't be writers"-even in jest. I am grateful and glad for that change, but it has not been won without pain. *Nothing is more destructive of the spirit and ultimately of creativity than false meekness, anger that does not know its own name. And nothing is more freeing for a woman (or for a woman writer) than giving up the pleasures of masochism and beginning to fight. But we must always remember that fighting is only a first step. As Virginia Woolf points out in A Room of One's Own, many women's books have been destroyed by the rage and bitterness at their own centers. Rage opens the doors into the spirit, but then the spirit must be nurtureed. *The myths about women were mostly ways of keeping us out of touch with our own strength, and this confused many generations of women. *when I look back on the years since I left college, and I try to sum up what I have learned, it is precisely that: not to fear change, not to expect my life to be immutable. *Every poem, every page of fiction I have written, has been written with anxiety, occasionally panic, always uncertainty about its reception. *As a writer, I feel that the very source of my inspiration lies in my never forgetting how much I have in common with other women, how many ways in which we are all-successful or not-similarly shackled. I do not write about superwomen who have transcended all conflict; I write about women who are torn, as most of us are torn, between the past and the future, between our mothers' frustrations and the extravagant hopes we have for our daughters. I do not know what a writer would write about if all her characters were superwomen, cleansed of conflict. Conflict is the soul of literature. *I would like to see a world in which male writers wrote without masculinist bias, in which for example Hemingway's masculinist mythology (and that of many other contemporary American male writers) was perceived as quite as bizarre and hysterical as the most absurd excesses of militant feminist fiction, and in which consciousness had become so truly androgynous that the adjective itself would be puzzlingly obsolete. *The human need for companionship and sexuality is far stronger than any intellectual theory *Righteousness has no place in literature. Of course the keen observer of her culture will feel deeply about the oppression she sees around her, the inhumanity of man to man, of man to woman, but her vision of it must be essentially personal, not abstractly political. *I must gratefully acknowledge that the second wave of the feminist movement liberated my writing and was a liberating influence upon my whole life. How? Not by supplying me with dogma, but by making it easier for me to look into myself and assume that what I felt as a woman was also shared by other women (and men). For one of the most positive by-products of the so-called second wave of the feminist movement was its discovery of a new audience of readers-readers both female and male-who came to realize that literary history as we previously knew it was the history of the literature of the white, the affluent, the male, and that the female side of experience had been almost completely omitted (except as seen through the eyes of the traditional victors in the war between the sexes-men). *My job is not to paralyze myself by anticipating judgment but to do the best I can and let the judgment fall where it may. *No one ever found wisdom without also being a fool. *It seems to me that having now created an entire literature of female rage, an entire literature of female introspection, women writers are ready to enter the next phase-the phase of empathy. Without forgetting how hard-won our rage was, without forgetting how many puritanical voices would still like to censor our sexuality, I think we must consider ourselves free to explore the whole world of feeling in our writings-and not to be trapped forever in the phase of discovering buried anger...The time has come to let go of that rage; the time has come to realize that curiosity is braver than rage, that exploration is a nobler calling than war. == Other == * Never follow a dog act. You know you're on the skids when you play yourself in the movie version of your life. ** Erica Jong's father (a musician, songwriter and later business man), his two pieces of advice for her. Given in the [[w:Times Literary Supplement|Times Literary Supplement]], 7 October 1994, page 44. == Quotes about Erica Jong == *Many contemporary women writers and artists have attempted to work with new images drawn from an explicitly feminist consciousness or from a female sensibility pulled from the experiences of daily life and made explicit in the context of the women's liberation movement. The struggle to do this requires both the break-up of the interior colonization and the actualization of a women-centered reality. Erica Jong described this process in her own work as she came of age as a writer in the 1970s: "I spent my whole bookish life identifying with writers and nearly all the writers who mattered were men. Even though there were women writers and even though I read them and loved them, they did not seem to matter. If they were good, they were good in spite of being women. If they were bad, it was because they were women. I had, in short, internalized all the dominant cultural stereotypes, and the result was that I could scarcely even imagine a woman as an author." Once Jong could name the problem, however, and see herself as a writer, the content of her work changed: "I stopped writing about ruins and nightingales. I was able to make poetry out of the everyday activities of my life: peeling onions, a trip to the gynecologist, a student demonstration, my own midnight terrors and dreams-all things I would have previously dismissed as trivial." **[[Bettina Aptheker]] ''Tapestries of Life: Women's Work, Women's Consciousness, and the Meaning of Daily Experience'' (1989) *(Did you every read Fear of Flying?) G.P.: Well, that's another book that I really read part of several times and couldn't really finish. I thought it could have been done a lot faster and shorter…But again, that book was very important to a lot of women. I respect those facts, when people feel like that. I don't think it's just pure popularity; I don't think it's just that they were sold…But those books, those two books [''The Women's Room'' and ''Fear of Flying''], really were very important for lots of women. **1981 interview in ''Conversations with [[Grace Paley]]'' Edited by Gerhard Bach & Blaine Hall (2013) *Erica Jong's Fanny is a marvelous, robust, funny book. **[[Judith Paterson]] in ''Conversations with [[Maya Angelou]]'' (1989) * ... Jong presented millions of women readers with the possibility of — the great joys of — agency in place of soporific and joyless passivity in life and, of course, sex. ** Heidi Pitlor, {{cite journal|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/13/books/review/erica-jongs-fear-of-dying.html|title=Review of ''Fear of Dying'' by Erica Jong|journal=The New York Times|date=September 11, 2015}} *(Which subjects do you wish more authors would write about?) Money. White authors often write about money (or don’t) in a way that disregards the realities of most people. It’s as if they assume that everyone simply has it. Or at least their readers. I remember reading “Fear of Flying,” by Erica Jong, many years ago, for instance, and getting very angry when the protagonist went to Europe for months with no concern for money or a job. I assumed she was relying on family money, but it was never explained. It took me out of the text because I couldn’t get over it. Maybe it’s because I grew up working class and money was a factor in everything we did. Marginalized people could never in their wildest dreams make these kinds of choices. **[[Erika Sánchez]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/07/07/books/review/erika-l-sanchez-crying-in-the-bathroom.html interview] (2022 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.ericajong.com/ Official website] * ''[http://www.guardian.co.uk/Archive/Article/0,4273,3847972,00.html What this woman wants]'' - ''[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'', [[w:April 3|April 3]], [[w:1999|1999]]. **In-depth interview and profile. * [http://wiredforbooks.org/ericajong/ Audio interviews with Erica Jong by Don Swaim of CBS Radio - RealAudio] {{DEFAULTSORT:Jong, Erica}} [[Category:Novelists from New York City]] [[Category:20th-century poets from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] [[Category:Activists from New York City]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Poets from New York City]] [[Category:1942 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] 2h38smhgwiz7ripea75c0iy1ehl09qr 0 421 3944591 3935846 2026-05-23T21:34:32Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944591 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alexander Pope by Michael Dahl.jpg|thumb|True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, <br> As those move easiest who have learn'd to dance.]] '''[[w:Alexander Pope|Alexander Pope]]''' ([[21 May]] [[1688]] – [[30 May]] [[1744]]) was a poet and satirist of the [[w:Augustan literature|Augustan]] period and one of its greatest artistic exponents. Considered the foremost English poet of the early 18th century and a master of the [[w:heroic couplet|heroic couplet]], he is best known for satirical and discursive poetry. : See also ::'''''[[An Essay on Criticism]]''''' (1711) ::'''''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]''''' (1715 to 1720) ::'''''[[The Rape of the Lock]]''''' (1717) ::'''''[[Eloisa to Abelard]]''''' (1717) ::'''''[[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Odyssey of Homer]]''''' (1725) ::'''''[[The Dunciad]]''''' (1728 to 1743) ::'''''[[Moral Essays]]''''' (1731 to 1735) ::'''''[[An Essay on Man]]''''' (1733 to 1734) ::'''''[[Imitations of Horace]]''''' (1733 to 1738) == Quotes == [[File:Alexander Pope.jpg|thumb|Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed]] [[File:Alexander Pope by Charles Jervas.jpg|thumb|Histories are more full of Examples of the Fidelity of dogs than of Friends.]] [[File:Alexander Pope by Jonathan Richardson.jpg|thumb|Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?]] [[File:Alexander Pope circa 1736.jpeg|thumb|Unblemish'd let me live, or die unknown; <br /> O grant an honest fame, or grant me none!]] [[File:Pope 1726.jpg|thumb|Absent or dead, still let a friend be dear.]] [[File:AlexanderPope.jpg|thumb|See my lips tremble and my eyeballs roll, Suck my last breath, and catch my flying soul. ~ ''[[Eloisa to Abelard]]'']] * '''Happy the man whose wish and care <br /> A few paternal acres bound, <br /> Content to breathe his native air <br /> In his own ground.''' ** "Ode on Solitude" (c. 1700), st. 1 * '''Thus let me live, unseen, unknown; <br /> Thus unlamented let me die; <br /> Steal from the world, and not a stone <br /> Tell where I lie.''' ** "Ode on Solitude" (c. 1700), st. 5 * 'Tis fixed, the irrevocable doom of Jove;<br />No force can bend me, no persuasion move. ** ''[[w:The_Works_of_Alexander_Pope_(1717)/The_first_Book_of_Statius_his_Thebais|The First Book of Statius his Thebais]]'' (c. 1703; first pubd. 1712), lines 413–414 *A little Learning is a dang'rous Thing;<br />Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian Spring:<br />There shallow Draughts intoxicate the Brain,<br />And drinking largely sobers us again. ** "An Essay on Criticism" (1709) * They dream in Courtship, but in Wedlock wake. ** "The Wife of Bath her Prologue, from Chaucer" (c. 1704, published 1713), line 103 * The mouse that always trusts to one poor hole <br /> Can never be a mouse of any soul. ** "The Wife of Bath her Prologue, from Chaucer" (c. 1704, published 1713), lines 298-299. Compare: "I hold a mouses wit not worth a leke, That hath but on hole for to sterten to", [[Geoffrey Chaucer]], ''Canterbury Tales'', "The Wif of Bathes Prologue", line 6154; "The mouse that hath but one hole is quickly taken", [[George Herbert]], ''Jacula Prudentum'' * Love seldom haunts the breast where learning lies, <br /> And Venus sets ere Mercury can rise. ** "The Wife of Bath her Prologue, from Chaucer" (c. 1704, published 1713), line 369 * '''Histories are more full of Examples of the Fidelity of dogs than of Friends.''' ** Letter to Henry Cromwell (19 October 1709) * '''I am his Highness' Dog at ''Kew''; <br /> Pray tell me Sir, whose Dog are you?''' ** "Epigram. Engraved on the Collar of a Dog, which I gave to [[w:Frederick, Prince of Wales|His Royal Highness]]" (1738) [[File:IsaacNewton 1642-1727.jpg|thumb|right|Nature and Nature's laws lay hid in night: <br /> God said, "Let Newton be!" and all was light.]] * '''Nature and Nature's laws lay hid in night: <br /> God said, "Let Newton be!" and all was light.''' ** Epitaph intended for Sir [[Isaac Newton]] * '''How vast a memory has Love!''' ** "Sappho to Phaon", line 52 (1712) * Nothing can be more shocking and horrid than one of our kitchens sprinkled with blood, and abounding with the cries of expiring victims, or with the limbs of dead animals scattered or hung up here and there. It gives one the image of a giant's den in a romance, bestrewed with scattered heads and mangled limbs. ** ''Spence's Anecdotes'' and ''The Guardian'' (21 May 1713); as quoted in ''[https://archive.org/stream/ethicsofdietcate00will/ethicsofdietcate00will#page/n3/mode/2up The Ethics of Diet: A Catena of Authorities Deprecatory of the Practice of Flesh-eating]'' by [[Howard Williams (humanitarian)|Howard Williams]] (London: F. Pitman, 1883), p. 132 * I find myself just in the same situation of mind you describe as your own, heartily wishing the good, that is the quiet of my country, and hoping a total end of all the unhappy divisions of mankind by party-spirit, which at best is but the madness of many for the gain of a few. ** Letter to Edward Blount (27 August 1714); a similar expression in "Thoughts on Various Subjects" in ''Swift's Miscellanies'' (1727): '''Party is the madness of many, for the gain of a few.''' * The stoic husband was the glorious thing.<br />The man had courage, was a sage, 'tis true,<br />And lov'd his country. ** ''Epilogue to Rowe's Jane Shore'' (1714) * Well, if our author in the wife offends<br />He has a husband that will make amends;<br />He draws him gentle, tender, and forgiving,<br />And sure such kind good creatures may be living. ** ''Epilogue to Rowe's Jane Shore'' (1714) * Luxurious lobster-nights, farewell, <br /> For sober, studious days! ** "A Farewell to London" (1715), st. 1 * Dear, damned, distracting town, farewell! <br /> Thy fools no more I'll tease: <br /> This year in peace, ye critics, dwell, <br /> Ye harlots, sleep at ease! ** "A Farewell to London" (1715), st. 12 *'''For modes of faith let graceless zealots fight;<br />His can't be wrong whose life is in the right.''' **''[[An Essay on Man]]'' (1734) * I am growing fit, I hope, for a better world, of which light of the sun is but a shadow: for I doubt not but God's works here, are what comes nearest to his works there; and that a true relish of the beauties of nature is the most easy preparation and gentlest transition to an enjoyment of those of heaven; as on the contrary a true town life of hurry, confusion, noise, slander, and dissension, is a fort of apprenticeship to hell and its furies... The separation of my soul and body is what I could think of with less pain; for I sm very sure he that made it will take care of it, and in whatever state he pleases it shall be, that state must be right; but I cannot think without tears of beingseparated from my friends, when their condition is so douubtful, that they may want even such assistance as mine ** In a 1715 letter (LXXVII), as found in ''Letters of Mr. Alexander Pope: And Several of His Friends''. 1737 * '''I think it was a generous thought, and one that fow'd from an exalted mind, that it was not improbable but God might be delighted with the various methods of worshipping him, which divided the whole world.''' ** Letter, February 10, 1715, 16 * Each finding like a friend<br />Something to blame, and something to commend. ** "Epistle to Mr. Jervas" (1717), lines 21–22 * Who ne'er knew joy but friendship might divide, <br /> Or gave his father grief but when he died. **"Epitaph on the Hon. S. Harcourt" (1720) * Methinks [[God]] has punish'd the Avaritious as he often punishes sinners, in their own way, in the ver sin itself: the thrist of gain was their crime, that thrist continued became their punishment and ruin. As for the few who have the good fortune to remain with half of what they imagined they had (among whom is your humble servantl, I would have them sensible of their felicity, and convinced of the truth of old Hesiod's maxim, who, after half his estate was swallowed by the ''Directors'' of those days, resolv'd, that ''half'' to be more than ''the whole''. ** In his letter to Atterbury Bishop of Rochester. Sept. 23. 1720 * Such were the notes thy once lov'd poet sung, <br /> Till death untimely stopp'd his tuneful tongue. ** "Epistle to Robert, Earl of Oxford and Mortimer" preface to [[Thomas Parnell]]'s ''Poems on Several Occasions'' (1721) * '''Absent or dead, still let a friend be dear.''' ** "Epistle to Robert, Earl of Oxford and Mortimer" (1721) * "'''Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed'''" was the ninth [[w:beatitudes|Beatitude]] which a man of wit (who, like a man of wit, was a long time in gaol) added to the eighth. ** Letter, written in collaboration with [[John Gay]], to William Fortescue (23 September 1725). *** A similar remark was made in a letter to John Gay (16 October 1727): "I have many years magnify'd in my own mind, and repeated to you a ninth Beatitude, added to the eight in the [[Bible|Scripture]]: '''Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed'''." * Let me tell you I am better acquainted with you for a long Absence, as men are with themselves for a long affliction: Absence does but hold off a friend, to make one see him the truer. ** Letter, written in collaboration with [[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]], to Jonathan Swift (14 December 1725) * Know, sense, like charity, begins at home. ** "Umbra", first published in ''Miscellanies'' (1727) * So unaffected, so compos'd a mind; <br /> So firm, yet soft; so strong, yet so refin'd; <br /> '''Heav'n, as its purest gold, by tortures try'd; <br /> The saint sustain'd it, but the woman died.''' **"Epitaph on Mrs. Corbet" (1730) * Good God! how often are we to die before we go quite off this stage? in every friend we lose a part of ourselves, and the best part. ** Letter, written in collaboration with Dr [[John Arbuthnot]], to [[Jonathan Swift]] (December 5, 1732) upon the death of John Gay. * Of Manners gentle, of Affections mild; <br /> In Wit, a Man; Simplicity, a Child. ** "Epitaph on Gay" (1733), lines 1-2. Reported in ''The Poems of Alexander Pope,'' ed. John Butt, sixth edition (Yale University Press, 1970), p. 818. Compare: "Her wit was more than man, her innocence a child", [[John Dryden]], ''Elegy on Mrs. Killegrew'', line 70 * The famous [[w:Charles Montagu, 1st Earl of Halifax|Lord Hallifax]] (though so much talked of) was rather a pretender to taste, than really possessed of it.—When I had finished the two or three first books of my [[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|translation of the Iliad]], that lord, "desired to have the pleasure of hearing them read at his house." [[Joseph Addison|Addison]], [[William Congreve|Congreve]], and [[Samuel Garth|Garth]], were there at the reading.—In four or five places, Lord Hallifax stopped me very civilly; and with a speech, each time of much the same kind: "I beg your pardon, Mr. Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me.—Be so good as to mark the place, and consider it a little at your leisure.—I am sure you can give it a little turn."—I returned from Lord Hallifax's with Dr. Garth, in his chariot; and as we were going along, was saying to the doctor, that my lord had laid me under a good deal of difficulty, by such loose and general observations; that I had been thinking over the passages almost ever since, and could not guess at what it was that offended his lordship in either of them.—Garth laughed heartily at my embarrassment; said, I had not been long enough acquainted with Lord Hallifax, to know his way yet: that I need not puzzle myself in looking those places over and over when I got home. "All you need do, (said he) is to leave them just as they are; call on Lord Hallifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observations on those passages; and then read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."—I followed his advice; waited on Lord Hallifax some time after: said, I hoped he would find his objections to those passages removed[;] read them to him exactly as they were at first; and his lordship was extremely pleased with them, and cried out, "Ay now, Mr. Pope, they are perfectly right! nothing can be better." ** Remark (1734?) quoted in ''Anecdotes, Observations, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820) by [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]] [published from the original papers; with notes, and a life of the author, by [[w:Samuel Weller Singer|Samuel Weller Singer]]]; "Spence's Anecdotes", Section IV. <small>1734...36.</small> pp. 134–136 * '''For he lives twice who can at once employ <br /> The present well, and e'en the past enjoy.''' **''Imitation of Martial'', reported in ''Mr. Pope's Literary Correspondence'' (1737), Vol. V, p. 232; ''The Poems of Alexander Pope,'' ed. John Butt, sixth edition (Yale University Press, 1970), p. 117. Compare: "''Ampliat ætatis spatium sibi vir bonus; hoc est Vivere bis vita posse priore frui''" (Translated: "The good man prolongs his life; to be able to enjoy one's past life is to live twice"), [[Martial]], X, 237.; "Thus would I double my life's fading space; For he that runs it well, runs twice his race", [[Abraham Cowley]], ''Discourse XI, Of Myself'', stanza xi. * I have nothing to say for rhyme, but that I doubt whether a poem can support itself without it, in our language; unless it be stiffened with such strange words, as are likely to destroy our language itself. ** Remark (1738?) quoted in ''Anecdotes, Observations, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820) by [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]] [published from the original papers; with notes, and a life of the author, by [[w:Samuel Weller Singer|Samuel Weller Singer]]]; "Spence's Anecdotes", Section IV. <small>1737...39.</small> p. 200 * What terrible moments does one feel after one has engaged for a large work! In the beginning of my translating the ''Iliad'', I wished any body would hang me a hundred times. It sat so heavily on my mind at first, that I often used to dream of it; and do so sometimes still. When I fell into the method of translating 30 or 40 verses before I got up, and piddled with it the rest of the morning, it went on easily enough; and when I was thoroughly got into the way of it, I did the rest with pleasure. ** Remark (1739?) quoted in ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820) by [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]] [arranged, with notes, by the late [[w:Edmund Malone|Edmund Malone]]], pp. 28–29 * There, take (says Justice), take ye each a shell: <br /> We thrive at Westminster on fools like you; <br /> 'T was a fat oyster,—live in peace,—adieu. **Reported in ''The Poems of Alexander Pope,'' ed. John Butt, sixth edition (Yale University Press, 1970), p. 832: "Verbatim from Boileau", written c. 1740, published 1741.. Compare: "Tenez voilà", dit-elle, "à chacun une écaille, Des sottises d'autrui nous vivons au Palais; Messieurs, l'huître étoit bonne. Adieu. Vivez en paix", [[Nicholas Boileau-Despreaux]], ''Epître II. (à M. l'Abbé des Roches)''. * '''Let such, such only tread this sacred floor, <br /> Who dare to love their country and be poor.''' ** Inscription on the entrance to his grotto in Twickenham, published in "Verses on a Grotto by the River Thames at Twickenham, composed of Marbles, Spars and Minerals", line 14, (written 1740, published 1741); also quoted as "Who dared to love their country, and be poor." <!-- in ''The Poems of Alexander Pope,'' ed. John Butt, sixth edition (Yale University Press, 1970), p. 707: --> * The ''Iliad'' took me up six years, and during that time, and particularly the first part of it, I was often under great pain and apprehensions. Though I conquered the thoughts of it in the day, they would frighten me in the night. I dreamed often of being engaged in a long journey, and that I should never get to the end of it. This made so strong an impression upon me, that I sometimes dream of it still; of being engaged in that translation, of having got about half way through it, and being embarrassed, and under dread of never completing it. ** Remark (1743?) quoted in ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820) by [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]] [arranged, with notes, by the late [[w:Edmund Malone|Edmund Malone]]], pp. 53–54 * Vain was the chief's, the sage's pride! <br /> They had no poet, and they died. <br /> In vain they schem'd, in vain they bled! <br /> They had no poet, and are dead. **''Odes'', Book iv, Ode 9, reported in William Warburton, ''The Works of Alexander Pope, Esq'' (1751) p. 31 * '''Ye Gods! annihilate but space and time, <br /> And make two lovers happy.''' **''Martinus Scriblerus on the Art of Sinking in Poetry'', Chap. xi, reported in William Warburton, ''The Works of Alexander Pope, Esq'' (1751) p. 196 * Here am I, dying of a hundred good symptoms. ** Pope's reply when told by his physician that he was better, on the morning of his death (30 May 1744), as quoted by Owen Ruffhead in ''The Life of Alexander Pope; With a Critical Essay on His Writings and Genius'' (1769), p. 475 ===''[[w:Pastorals|Pastorals]]'' (1709)=== * Where'er you walk, cool gales shall fan the glade, <br /> Trees, where you sit, shall crowd into a shade: <br /> Where'er you tread, the blushing flow'rs shall rise, <br /> And all things flourish where you turn your eyes. ** ''Summer'', line 73 [[File:Portrait of Alexander Pope.jpg|thumbnail|To err is human, to forgive divine.]] * '''Say, is not absence death to those who love?''' ** ''Autumn'' * Let opening roses knotted oaks adorn, <br /> And liquid amber drop from every thorn. ** ''Autumn'', line 36 * The garlands fade, the vows are worn away; <br /> So dies her love, and so my hopes decay. ** ''Autumn'', line 70 === ''[[w:An Essay on Criticism|An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1711) === {{main|An Essay on Criticism}} * True ease in writing comes from art, not chance,<br />As those move easiest who have learn'd to dance. * '''To err is human, to forgive divine.''' === ''The Temple of Fame'' (1711) === * There various news I heard of love and strife,<br />Of peace and war, health, sickness, death, and life,<br />Of loss and gain, of famine and of store,<br />Of storms at sea, and travels on the shore,<br />Of prodigies, and portents seen in air,<br />Of fires and plagues, and stars with blazing hair,<br />Of turns of fortune, changes in the state,<br />The fall of favourites, projects of the great,<br />Of aid mismanagements, taxations new:<br />All neither wholly false, nor wholly true. ** Lines 449-458 * '''The flying Rumours gather'd as they roll'd, <br /> Scarce any Tale was sooner heard than told; <br /> And all who told it, added something new, <br /> And all who heard it, made Enlargements too, <br /> In ev'ry Ear it spread, on ev'ry Tongue it grew.''' ** Lines 468-472 * '''Nor Fame I slight, nor for her favors call; <br /> She comes unlooked for, if she comes at all.''' ** Line 513 * '''Unblemish'd let me live, or die unknown; <br /> O grant an honest fame, or grant me none!''' ** Closing line === ''The Dying Christian to His Soul'' (1712) === * '''Vital spark of heav'nly flame! <br /> Quit, oh quit, this mortal frame''': <br /> Trembling, hoping, ling'ring, flying, <br /> Oh the pain, the bliss of dying! ** Stanza 1 *Hark! they whisper; angels say, <br /> Sister spirit, come away! *Tell me, my soul, can this be death? * '''The world recedes; it disappears! <br /> [[Heaven|Heav'n]] opens on my eyes! my ears <br /> With sounds seraphic ring! <br /> Lend, lend your wings! I mount! I fly! <br /> O grave! where is thy victory? <br /> O death! where is thy sting?''' ** Note: the last two lines are a quote of [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Bible_(King_James)/1_Corinthians#15:55 1 Corinthians 15:55]. === ''[[s:Windsor Forest|Windsor Forest]]'' (1713) === * Here hills and vales, the woodland and the plain, <br /> Here earth and water seem to strive again, <br /> Not chaos-like together crushed and bruised, <br /> But, as the world, harmoniously confused: <br /> Where order in variety we see, <br /> And where, though all things differ, all agree. ** Line 11 *Not chaos-like together crush'd and bruis'd, <br /> But as the world, harmoniously confus'd, <br /> Where order in variety we see, <br /> And where, though all things differ, all agree. ** Line 13 * Proud [[w:Nimrod|Nimrod]] first the bloody chase began <br /> A mighty hunter, and his prey was man. ** Line 61 * Oft, as in airy rings they skim the heath, <br /> The clam'rous lapwings feel the leaden death; <br /> Oft, as the mounting larks their notes prepare, <br /> They fall, and leave their little lives in air. ** Line 131 *From old Belerium to the northern main. ** Line 316 ===''Prologue to Mr. Addison's Cato'' (1713)=== * To wake the soul by tender strokes of art, <br /> To raise the genius, and to mend the heart; <br /> To make mankind, in conscious virtue bold, <br /> Live o'er each scene, and be what they behold: <br /> For this the Tragic Muse first trod the stage. ** Line 1 * A brave man struggling in the storms of fate, <br /> And greatly falling with a falling state. <br /> While Cato gives his little senate laws, <br /> What bosom beats not in his country's cause? ** Line 21; Pope also uses the reference, "Like Cato, give his little Senate laws", in his ''[[Alexander_Pope#Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot (1734), Prologue to Imitations of Horace|Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot]]'' (1734), Prologue to ''Imitations of Horace''. * Ignobly vain, and impotently great. ** Line 29 === ''The Works of Mr. Alexander Pope'' (1717)=== * '''I think a good deal may be said to extenuate the fault of bad Poets.''' What we call a Genius, is hard to be distinguish'd by a man himself, from a strong inclination: and if his genius be ever so great, he can not at first discover it any other way, than by giving way to that prevalent propensity which renders him the more liable to be mistaken. ** Preface * Therefore they who say our thoughts are not our own because they resemble the Ancients, may as well say our faces are not our own, because they are like our Fathers: And indeed it is very unreasonable, that people should expect us to be Scholars, and yet be angry to find us so. ** Preface * I would not be like those Authors, who forgive themselves some particular lines for the sake of a whole Poem, and ''vice versa'' a whole Poem for the sake of some particular lines. '''I believe no one qualification is so likely to make a good writer, as the power of rejecting his own thoughts.''' ** Preface ==== ''[[w:Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady|Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady]]'' ==== * What beck'ning ghost, along the moonlight shade <br /> Invites my steps, and points to yonder glade? ** Line 1. Compare: "What gentle ghost, besprent with April dew, Hails me so solemnly to yonder yew?", [[Ben Jonson]], ''Elegy on the Lady Jane Pawlet'' * '''Is it, in Heav'n, a crime to love too well? <br /> To bear too tender, or too firm a heart, <br /> To act a lover's or a Roman's part? <br /> Is there no bright reversion in the sky, <br /> For those who greatly think, or bravely die?''' ** Line 6 * Ambition first sprung from your blest abodes; <br /> The glorious fault of Angels and of Gods. ** Line 13 * On all the line a sudden vengeance waits, <br /> And frequent hearses shall besiege your gates. ** Line 37 * '''Lo these were they, whose souls the Furies steel'd, <br /> And curs'd with hearts unknowing how to yield.''' <br /> Thus unlamented pass the proud away, <br /> The gaze of fools, and pageant of a day! <br /> '''So perish all, whose breast ne'er learn'd to glow <br /> For others' good, or melt at others' woe.''' ** Line 45. Compare Pope's ''The Odyssey of Homer'', Book XVIII, line 269 * By foreign hands thy dying eyes were closed, <br /> By foreign hands thy decent limbs composed, <br /> By foreign hands thy humble grave adorned, <br /> By strangers honored, and by strangers mourned. ** Line 51 *And bear about the [[mockery]] of woe <br /> To midnight dances and the public show. ** Line 57 * How loved, how honored once, avails thee not, <br /> To whom related, or by whom begot; <br /> A heap of dust alone remains of thee; <br /> 'Tis all thou art, and all the proud shall be! ** Line 71 === ''Thoughts on Various Subjects'' (1727)=== :<small> Published in ''Swift's Miscellanies'' (1727).</small> * To endeavour to work upon the vulgar with fine sense, is like attempting to hew blocks with a razor. * '''I never knew any man in my life who could not bear another's misfortunes perfectly like a Christian.''' * '''A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.''' * '''It is with narrow-souled people as with narrow necked bottles: the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out.''' * When men grow virtuous in their old age, they only make a sacrifice to God of the devil's leavings. * For, as blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense. * A person who is too nice an observer of the business of the crowd, like one who is too curious in observing the labour of the bees, will often be stung for his curiosity. * '''He who tells a lie, is not sensible how great a task he undertakes; for he must be forced to invent twenty more to maintain that one.''' * Our passions are like convulsion-fits, which, though they make us stronger for the time, leave us the weaker ever after. * '''Some old men, by continually praising the time of their youth, would almost persuade us that there were no fools in those days; but unluckily they are left themselves for examples.''' * '''Some people will never learn anything, for this reason, because they understand everything too soon.''' * The most positive men are the most credulous... * '''To be angry, is to revenge the fault of others upon ourselves.''' * '''Party is the madness of many, for the gain of a few.''' ** From Roscoe's edition of Pope, vol. v. p. 376; originally printed in Motte's ''Miscellanies'' (1727). In the edition of 1736 Pope says, "I must own that the prose part (the ''Thought on Various Subjects''), at the end of the second volume, was wholly mine. January, 1734". === ''[[w:Moral Essays|Moral Essays]]'' (1731–1735) === {{main|Moral Essays}} * Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined. ** ''Epistle I, To Lord Cobham'' (1734), line 150 ===''The Universal Prayer'' (1738) === * '''Father of all! in every age, <br /> In every clime adored, <br /> By saint, by savage, and by sage, <br /> Jehovah, Jove, or Lord!''' ** Stanza 1 * '''Thou Great First Cause, least understood''' <br /> Who all my sense confined <br /> To know but this, that Thou art good <br /> And that myself am blind. ** Stanza 2 * And binding Nature fast in fate, <br /> Left free the human will. ** Stanza 3 * '''Let not this weak, unknowing hand <br /> Presume Thy bolts to throw, <br /> And deal damnation round the land <br /> On each I judge Thy foe.''' ** Stanza 7 * If I am right, Thy grace import <br /> Still in the right to stay; <br /> If I am wrong, oh teach my heart <br /> To find that better way! * '''Teach me to feel another's woe, <br /> To right the fault I see; <br /> That mercy I to others show, <br /> That mercy show to me.''' ** Stanza 10; this extends upon the theme evident in the lines of [[Edmund Spenser]] in ''[[w:The Faerie Queene|The Faerie Queene]]'' (1596), Book V, Canto ii, Stanza 42: "Who will not mercie unto others show, How can he mercy ever hope to have?" {{disputed begin}} == Attributed == * '''Passions...are the gales of life...''' ** As quoted by [[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]] in a letter to [[Jonathan Swift]] (29 March 1730) * This is the Jew <br> That Shakespeare drew. ** As quoted in various reports, including Charles Wells Moulton, ''The Library of Literary Criticism of English and American Authors'' (1901), p. 342; William Dunlap, ''The Life of George Frederick Cooke'' (1815), p. 26 (quoting an apparently contemporaneous journal account by the subject). ''Bartlett's Quotations'', 10th edition (1919), reports that on the 14th of February, 1741, Macklin established his fame as an actor in the character of Shylock, in the "Merchant of Venice". Macklin's performance of this character so forcibly struck a gentleman in the pit that he, as it were involuntarily, exclaimed,— <br> “This is the Jew <br> That Shakespeare drew!” <br> It has been said that this gentleman was Mr. Pope, and that he meant his panegyric on Macklin as a satire against Lord Lansdowne", Biographia Dramatica, vol. i. part II. p. 469. * '''True politeness consists in the being easy one-self, and making every body about one as easy as we can.''' ** Statement of 1739, as quoted in ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820) by [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]], p. 286. ** Variant reported in ''Familiar Short Sayings of Great Men'' (1887) by Samuel Arthur Bent, p. 451: "True politeness consists in being easy one's self, and in making every one about one as easy as one can." {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} ==Misattributed== * A god without dominion, providence, and final causes, is nothing else but Fate and Nature. ** [[Isaac Newton]]: ''Principia Mathematica'' (1687); [[s: Philosophiae_Naturalis_Principia_Mathematica#Rule_IV|Rules of Reasoning in Philosophy, Rule IV]] * A work of art that contains theories is like an object on which the price tag has been left. ** ''Une oeuvre où il y a des théories est comme un objet sur lequel on laisse la marque du prix.'' ** [[Marcel Proust]], ''In Search of Lost Time,'' part VII: Time Regained, chapter III, "An Afternoon Party at the House of the Princesse de Guermantes" ([http://web.archive.org/web/20010708070436/http://gallica.bnf.fr/proust/TempsRetrouve.htm French version] and [http://etext.library.adelaide.edu.au/p/proust/marcel/p96t/chapter3.html English translation]). * Genius creates, and taste preserves. Taste is the good sense of genius; without taste, genius is only sublime folly. ** ''Le génie enfante, le goût conserve. Le goût est le bon sens du génie; sans le goût, le génie n'est qu'une sublime folie.'' ** [[François-René de Chateaubriand]], in [http://visualiseur.bnf.fr/CadresFenetre?O=NUMM-101390&M=tdm ''Essai sur la littérature anglaise'' (1836): Modèles classiques]. * You beat your pate, and fancy wit will come; <br> Knock as you please, there's nobody at home. ** Credited as ''Epigram: An Empty House'' (1727), or ''On a Dull Writer''; alternately attributed to [[Jonathan Swift]] in John Hawkesworth, ''The Works of Jonathan Swift, D.D., Dean of St. Patrick's, Dublin'' (1754), p. 265. Compare: "His wit invites you by his looks to come, But when you knock, it never is at home", [[William Cowper]], ''Conversation'', line 303. * Lull'd in the countless chambers of the brain, <br> Our thoughts are link'd by many a hidden chain. <br> Awake but one, and lo, what myriads rise! <br> Each stamps its image as the other flies! ** [[w:Samuel Rogers|Samuel Rogers]], in [http://www.gutenberg.org/files/13586/ ''The Pleasures of Memory'' (1792), Part ] * Never find fault with the absent. ** ''Absenti nemo non nocuisse velit.'' ** [[Sextus Propertius]], ''Elegies,'' II, xix, 32, also translated: "Let no one be willing to speak ill of the absent". * The hidden harmony is better than the obvious. ** [[Heraclitus]], ''Fragments,'' 54; [http://philoctetes.free.fr/heraclitefraneng.htm] and [http://www.wsu.edu/~dee/GREECE/HERAC.HTM]; also translated in such variants as: :: The unapparent connection is more powerful than the apparent one :: The hidden harmony is better than the open one. * The sick in body call for aid: the sick <br> In mind are covetous of more disease; <br> And when at worst, they dream themselves quite well. <br> To know ourselves diseased, is half our cure. ** [[Edward Young]], "Night Thoughts," (1742-1745) Part IX [http://www.litgothic.com/Texts/young_night_thoughts.pdf] * What some call health, if purchased by perpetual anxiety about diet, isn't much better than tedious disease. ** [http://www.picturehistory.com/product/id/4820 George Dennison Prentice], in ''Prenticeana'' (1860) {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Pope == [[File:Jonathan Swift by Charles Jervas.jpg|thumb|<p>In Pope I cannot read a line,<br />But with a sigh I wish it mine;<br />When he can in one couplet fix<br />More sense than I can do in six,<br />It gives me such a jealous fit,<br />I cry, "Pox take him and his wit!"</p>—[[Jonathan Swift]]]] *We are to regard [[John Dryden|Dryden]] as the puissant and glorious founder, Pope as the splendid high-priest, of our age of prose and reason, of our excellent and indispensable eighteenth century. For the purposes of their mission and destiny their poetry, like their prose, is admirable... Though they may write in verse, though they may in a certain sense be masters of the art of versification, Dryden and Pope are not classics of our poetry, they are classics of our prose. **[[Matthew Arnold]], 'General Preface', to ''The English Poets: Selections with Critical Introductions by Various Writers and a General Introduction by Matthew Arnold. Vol. I Chaucer to Donne'', ed. Thomas Humphry Ward (1880), pp. xxxviii-xl * The most beautiful of poets. ** [[Lord Byron]], diary entry (4 January 1821), quoted in Thomas Moore, ''Letters and Journals of Lord Byron: With Notices of His Life. Vol. II'' (1830), p. 396 * I look upon a proper appreciation of Pope as a touchstone of taste. ** [[Lord Byron]], letter to Octavius Gilchrist (5 September 1821), in ''Byron: A Self-Portrait'' (1950), p. 665 *This beautiful passage [''The Rape of the Lock'', Canto 5, lines 25-32], from the most beautiful of poets, which ought to be fastened in large print upon every lady's dressing table, the American women, of all ranks, seem to have by heart. **[[William Cobbett]], ''A Year's Residence in the United States of America. Part I'' (1818), p. 353 * The Iliad and the Odyssey, in his hands, have no more the air of antiquity than if he had himself invented them. ** [[William Cowper]], "Critical Remarks on Pope's Homer", in ''The Edinburgh Magazine'' for September 1785, p. 165 * A young, squab, short gentleman, whose outward form, though it should be that of downright monkey, would not differ so much from human shape as his unthinking immaterial part does from human understanding. ... As there is no creature in nature so venomous, there is nothing so stupid and so impotent as a hunch-back'd toad; and a man must be very quiet and very passive, and stand still to let him fasten his teeth and his claws, or be surprised sleeping by him, before that animal can have any power to hurt him. ... This little author may extol the ancients as much and as long as he pleases, but he has reason to thank the good gods that he was born a modern. For had he been born of Grecian parents, and his father by consequence had by law the absolute disposal of him, his life had been no longer than that of one of his poems,—the life of half a day. ** [[John Dennis]], ''Reflections Critical and Satyrical, upon a Late Rhapsody, Call'd, An Essay upon Criticism'' (1711) ** Compare: "Poisonous bunch-back'd toad", [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard III (play)|Richard III]]'' (c. 1591), Act 1, Scene 3 * The little gentleman ... with a most comical and unparalleled assurance, has undertaken to translate Homer from Greek, of which he does not know one word, into English, which he understands almost as little. ** [[John Dennis]], ''Remarks upon Mr. Pope's Translation of Homer'' (1717) * Who is this Pope that I hear so much about? I cannot discover what is his merit. Why will not my subjects write in prose? ** King [[George II of Great Britain|George II]], as quoted in Sir [[w:James Prior (surgeon)|James Prior]]'s ''Life of [[w:Edmond Malone|Edmond Malone]]'' (London, 1860), p. 369 *For more than thirty years Pope was so completely the centre of poetical attention in England that he may almost be said to have comprised the poetry of his time. There is no second instance of an English poet preserving for so long a period a supremacy comparable to his. It is possible to defend the position that one or two other versemen of the age did some particular thing better than Pope, though even this requires argument; but it is quite certain that he alone excelled over a wide range of subjects. **[[Edmund Gosse]], ''A Short History of Modern English Literature'' (1898), pp. 207-208 *''[[The Rape of the Lock]]'' (1712–14) lifted Pope at once to the first rank of living European poets. In lightness of handling, in elegance of badinage, in exquisite amenity of style—that is to say, in the very qualities which Latin Europe had hitherto, and not without justice, denied us—the little British barbarian surpassed all foreign competitors. This is the turning-point of English subserviency to French taste. Pope and his school had closely studied their [[Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux|Boileau]], and had learned their lesson well, so well that for the future England is no longer the ape of the French, but is competent, more and more confidently as the century descends, to give examples to the polite world. **[[Edmund Gosse]], ''A Short History of Modern English Literature'' (1898), pp. 209-210 *The ''[[w:Messiah (English poem)|Messiah]]'' (of 1712) reached a pitch of polished, resonant rhetoric hitherto undreamed of, and was a "copy of verses" which became the model and the despair of five generations of poets. **[[Edmund Gosse]], ''A Short History of Modern English Literature'' (1898), p. 210 *Pope was not a classic of prose; he wrote almost exclusively in a highly finished artistic verse, which may evade the romantic formulas, but is either poetry or nothing. **[[Edmund Gosse]], ''A Short History of Modern English Literature'' (1898), p. 214 * Pope was not content to satisfy; he desired to excel, and therefore always endeavoured to do his best: he did not court the candour, but dared the judgement of his reader, and, expecting no indulgence from others, he shewed none to himself. He examined lines and words with minute and punctilious observation, and retouched every part with indefatigable diligence, till he had left nothing to be forgiven. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Life of Pope'' (1781) * Pope had, in proportions very nicely adjusted to each other, all the qualities that constitute genius. He had Invention, by which new trains of events are formed and new scenes of imagery displayed, as in ''[[Alexander Pope#The Rape of the Lock .281712.2C revised 1714 and 1717.29|The Rape of the Lock]]'', and by which extrinsick and adventitious embellishments and illustrations are connected with a known subject, as in the ''[[An Essay on Criticism|Essay on Criticism]]''; he had Imagination, which strongly impresses on the writer's mind and enables him to convey to the reader the various forms of nature, incidents of life, and energies of passion, as in his ''[[Eloisa to Abelard|Eloisa]]'', ''[[Alexander Pope#Windsor Forest .281713.29|Windsor Forest]]'', and the ''Ethick Epistles''; he had Judgement, which selects from life or nature what the present purpose requires, and, by separating the essence of things from its concomitants, often makes the representation more powerful than the reality; and he had colours of language always before him ready to decorate his matter with every grace of elegant expression, as when he accommodates his diction to the wonderful multiplicity of Homer's sentiments and descriptions. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''The Life of Pope'' (1781) *Pope has done this so well that you cannot do it better; and if you mean this as a burlesque, you had better suppress it, for you cannot parody Pope unless you can write better verse than Pope—and you can't. **[[Ezra Pound]], quoted in Ezra Pound, ''Selected Poems'', ed. T. S. Eliot (1933), p. 24 *I have entered into these particulars with respect to the ''[[Essay on Man]]'', partly with a view of illustrating the distinction already hinted at between the two different forms in which the system of optimism has been proposed, and partly to have an opportunity of directing the attention of my readers to the noblest specimen of philosophical poetry which our language affords; and which, with the exception of a very few passages, contains a valuable summary of all that human reason has been able hitherto to advance in justification of the moral government of God. **[[Dugald Stewart]], ''The Philosophy of the Active and Moral Powers of Man. Volume Second'' (1828), p. 127 * The verses, when they were written, resemble nothing so much as spoonfuls of boiling oil, ladled out by a fiendish monkey at an upstairs window upon such passers-by whom the wretch had a grudge against. ** [[w:Lytton Strachey|Lytton Strachey]], ''Pope: The Leslie Stephen Lecture for 1925'' (pamphlet, 1925) * In Pope, I cannot read a line,<br />But with a sigh, I wish it mine:<br />When he can in one couplet fix<br />More sense than I can do in six:<br />It gives me such a jealous fit,<br />I cry, Pox take him, and his wit. ** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Verses on the Death of Dr. Swift'' (1731) * He is in my opinion the most elegant, the most correct poet; and at the same time the most harmonious...that England ever gave birth to. ** [[Voltaire]], ''Letters Concerning the English Nation'' translated by John Lockman (1733), p. 215 * Of all his works he was most proud of his garden. ** [[Horace Walpole]], ''Anecdotes of Painting in England'', 2nd edition, Vol. 4 (London, 1782), p. 295 * There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. ** [[Oscar Wilde]], as quoted in Harford Montgomery Hyde's ''The annotated Oscar Wilde'' (1982), p. 450 * As far as Pope goes, he succeeds; but his Homer is not Homer, but Pope. ** [[William Wordsworth]], in ''Memoirs of William Wordsworth'' by Christopher Wordsworth, Vol. II (London, 1851), Chap. LXIII, p. 470 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commons}} * [http://www.luminarium.org/eightlit/pope/ Alexander Pope: Biography, Works, Articles and Quotes] at [http://www.luminarium.org/ Luminarium]. * [http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/apope.htm Books and Writers - Alexander Pope (1688-1744)]. * [http://www.island-of-freedom.com/POPE.HTM Island of Freedom - Alexander Pope (1688-1744)]. * [http://www.bartleby.com/219/index.html#3 THE CAMBRIDGE HISTORY OF ENGLISH AND AMERICAN LITERATURE, Volume IX: English FROM STEELE AND ADDISON TO POPE AND SWIFT]. * [http://www.litencyc.com/php/speople.php?rec=true&UID=5169 The Literary Encyclopedia: Alexander Pope] {{DEFAULTSORT:Pope, Alexander}} [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Essayists from England]] [[Category:Satirists from England]] [[Category:1688 births]] [[Category:1744 deaths]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:Catholics from England]] [[Category:Freemasons]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Deaths from disease]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 1bygxstlx0c99he4ckhoy9anzmg04x7 0 695 3944618 3937902 2026-05-23T21:53:45Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944618 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Dryden, NPG 1133 (cropped 1).png|thumb|upright=1.25|{{center|Happy the man, and happy he alone,<br>He who can call today his own;<br>He who, secure within, can say,<br>Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived today.}}]] '''[[w:John Dryden|John Dryden]]''' ([[19 August]] <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[w:Old Style and New Style dates|O.S.]] [[9 August]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> 1631 – [[12 May]] [O.S. [[1 May]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> 1700) was an English poet, literary critic, translator, and playwright who in 1668 was appointed England's first [[w:Poet Laureate of the United Kingdom|Poet Laureate]]. == Quotes == * An horrid stillness first invades the ear,<br />And in that silence we the tempest fear. ** [[w:Astraea Redux|''Astraea Redux'']] (1660), ll. 7–8 * All things are hush'd, as Nature's self lay dead,<br />The Mountains seem to nod their drowsy head;<br />The little Birds in dreams their Songs repeat,<br />And sleeping Flowers, beneath the night-dew sweat;<br />Even Lust and Envy sleep. ** ''[[w:The Indian Emperour|The Indian Emperor]]'' (1667), Act III, sc. ii<!--, p. 29--> * But Shakespeare's magic could not copied be;<br />Within that circle none durst walk but he. ** [[w:The Tempest (Dryden and D'Avenant play)|''The Tempest'']] (1670), Prologue<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * '''Their heavenly harps a lower strain began,<br>And in soft music mourn the fall of man.''' ** [[w:The State of Innocence|''The State of Innocence'']] (1677), Act V, sc. i * Thespis, the first professor of our art,<br />At country wakes sung ballads from a cart. ** Prologue to [[Nathaniel Lee|Lee]]'s [[w:Sophonisba (Lee play)|''Sophonisba'']] (1675)<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Happy who in his verse can gently steer<br />From grave to light, from pleasant to severe. ** [[Nicolas Boileau-Despréaux|''The Art of Poetry'']] (1683), Canto I, l. 75<!--''The Sixth Part of Miscellany Poems'' (1709). Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * '''Bold knaves thrive without one grain of sense,<br />But good men starve for want of impudence.''' ** ''Constantine the Great'' (1684), Epilogue * Wit will shine<br />Through the harsh cadence of a rugged line. ** [[w:To the Memory of Mr. Oldham|''To the Memory of Mr. Oldham'']], l. 15. ''Miscellany Poems'' (1684)<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Above<!--originally "'Bove'"--> any Greek or Roman name. ** ''Upon the Death of Lord Hastings'', l. 76. ''Miscellany Poems'' (ed. 1702)<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)-->. Cf. "Above all Greek, above all Roman fame"; [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], Ep. I, Bk. 2, l. 26 * Men met each other with erected look,<br />The steps were higher that they took;<br />Friends to congratulate their friends made haste,<br />And long inveterate foes saluted as they passed. ** ''Threnodia Augustalis'' (1685), ll. 124–127 * Since heaven's eternal year is thine. ** ''To the Pious Memory of Mrs. [[Anne Killegrew]]'' (1686), l. 15 * O gracious God! how far have we<br />Profaned thy heavenly gift of poesy! ** ''To the Pious Memory of Mrs. Anne Killegrew'' (1686), ll. 56–57 * Her wit was more than man, her innocence a child. ** ''To the Pious Memory of Mrs. Anne Killegrew'' (1686), l. 70 [[File:Paradiso Canto 31 (148200393).jpg|thumb|Preventing angels met it half the way,<br />And sent us back to praise, who came to pray.]] * Our vows are heard betimes! and Heaven takes care<br />To grant, before we can conclude the prayer:<br />'''Preventing angels met it half the way,<br />And sent us back to praise, who came to pray.''' ** ''Britannia Rediviva'' (1688), l. 1 * And torture one poor word ten thousand ways. ** ''Britannia Rediviva'' (1688), l. 208 * Three poets, in three distant ages born,<br />Greece, Italy, and England did adorn.<br />[[Homer|The first]] in loftiness of thought surpassed;<br />[[Virgil|The next]], in majesty; in both [[Milton|the last]].<br />The force of Nature could no further go.<br />To make a third, she joined the former two. ** ''Under Mr. Milton's Picture'' (1688) * Fairest Isle, all isles excelling,<br />Seat of pleasures, and of loves;<br />Venus here will choose her dwelling,<br />And forsake her Cyprian groves. ** ''King Arthur'' (1691), Act II, sc. v, ''Song of Venus'' * Truth is the foundation of all knowledge, and the cement of all societies. ** "The Character of [[Polybius]]", in [[Henry Sheeres|H. S.]]'s ''The History of Polybius'' (1692) * So softly death succeeded life in her,<br />She did but dream of heaven, and she was there. ** ''Eleonora'' (1692), l. 315<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Thus all below is strength, and all above is grace. ** ''Epistle to Congreve'' (1693), l. 19 * '''Genius must be born, and never can be taught.''' ** ''Epistle to Congreve'' (1693), l. 60 * Be kind to my remains; and oh defend,<br />Against your judgment, your departed friend! ** ''Epistle to Congreve'' (1693), l. 72 [[File:Wushu dao.jpg|thumb|There is still a vast difference betwixt the slovenly Butchering of a Man, and the fineness of a stroke that separates the Head from the Body, and leaves it standing in its place.]] * How easie is it to call Rogue and Villain, and that wittily! But how hard to make a Man appear a Fool, a Blockhead, or a Knave, without using any of those opprobrious terms! To spare the grossness of the Names, and to do the thing yet more severely, is to draw a full Face, and to make the Nose and Cheeks stand out, and yet not to employ any depth of Shadowing. This is the Mystery of that Noble Trade, which yet no Master can teach to his Apprentice: He may give the Rules, but the Scholar is never the nearer in his practice. Neither is it true, that this fineness of Raillery is offensive. A witty Man is tickl'd while he is hurt in this manner, and a Fool feels it not. The occasion of an Offence may possibly be given, but he cannot take it. If it be granted that in effect this way does more Mischief; that a Man is secretly wounded, and though he be not sensible himself, yet the malicious World will find it for him: yet '''there is still a vast difference betwixt the slovenly Butchering of a Man, and the fineness of a stroke that separates the Head from the Body, and leaves it standing in its place.''' ** ''A Discourse concerning the Original and Progress of Satire'' (1693) [[File:08913-Perspective Run.jpg|thumb|The wise, for cure, on exercise depend;<br />God never made his work for man to mend.]] * Words, once my stock, are wanting to commend<br />So great a poet and so good a friend. ** ''Epistle to Peter Antony Motteux'' (1698), ll. 54–55 * Lord of yourself, uncumbered with a wife. ** ''Epistle to John Driden of Chesterton'' (1700), l. 18 * Better to hunt in fields, for health unbought,<br />Than fee the doctor for a nauseous draught.<br />'''The wise, for cure, on exercise depend;<br />God never made his work for man to mend.''' ** ''Epistle to John Driden of Chesterton'' (1700), ll. 92–95 * He was exhaled; his great Creator drew<br />His spirit, as the sun the morning dew. ** ''On the Death of a Very Young Gentleman'' (1700) * Here lies my wife: here let her lie!<br />Now she's at rest, and so am I. ** ''Epitaph'', intended for his wife === ''[[w:Annus Mirabilis (poem)|Annus Mirabilis]]'' (1667) === * And threat'ning France, plac'd like a painted Jove,<br />Kept idle thunder in his lifted hand. ** Stanza 39.<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * '''By viewing Nature, Nature's handmaid Art,<br />Makes mighty things from small beginnings grow.''' ** Stanza 155 * So close behind some promontory lie<br />The huge Leviathan to attend their prey,<br />And give no chance, but swallow in the fry,<br />Which through their gaping jaws mistake the way. <!-- Quoted in ''[[Moby-Dick]]'' (1851) Extracts (Supplied by a Sub-Sub-Librarian) --> === ''[[w:Essay of Dramatick Poesie|Essay of Dramatick Poesie]]'' (1668) === [[File:First Folio - West 192 - frontispiece engraving.jpg|thumb|Those who accuse him to have wanted learning, give him the greater commendation: he was naturally learn'd; he needed not the spectacles of Books to read Nature; he look'd inwards, and found her there.]] * If confidence presage a victory, Eugenius, in his own opinion, has already triumphed over the Ancients: nothing seems more easy to him than to overcome those whom it is our greatest praise to have imitated well; for we do not only build upon their foundation, but by their models. ** p. 8 * The Famous Rules which the French call, ''Des Trois Unités'', or, The Three Unities, which ought to be observ'd in every Regular Play; namely, of Time, Place, and Action. ** p. 10 * To begin then with [[Shakespeare]]; he was the man who of all Modern, and perhaps Ancient Poets, had the largest and most comprehensive soul. All the Images of Nature were still present to him, and he drew them not laboriously, but luckily: when he describes any thing, you more than see it, you feel it too. Those who accuse him to have wanted learning, give him the greater commendation: he was naturally learn'd; he needed not the spectacles of Books to read Nature; he look'd inwards, and found her there. I cannot say he is every where alike; were he so, I should do him injury to compare him with the greatest of Mankind. He is many times flat, insipid; his Comick wit degenerating into clenches; his serious swelling into Bombast. But he is alwayes great, when some great occasion is presented to him: no man can say he ever had a fit subject for his wit, and did not then raise himself as high above the rest of the Poets, ** p. 47 === ''[[w:Tyrannick Love|Tyrannick Love]]'' (1669) === * Music...is inarticulate poesy. ** Preface * &nbsp;&nbsp; He who servilely creeps after sense<br />Is safe, but ne'er will reach an excellence. ** Prologue * All delays are dangerous in war. ** Act I, sc. i * Pains of love be sweeter far<br /> Than all other pleasures are. ** Act IV, sc. i === [[w:The Wild Gallant|''The Wild Gallant'']] (1669) === * Midas me no midas. ** Act II, sc. i<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Madam me no madam. ** Act II, sc. ii ===''[[w:The Conquest of Granada|The Conquest of Granada]]'' (1669–70)=== * '''I am as free as Nature first made man,<br />Ere the base laws of servitude began''',<br />When wild in woods the noble savage ran. ** Pt. 1, Act I, sc. i * Forgiveness to the injured does belong;<br />But they ne'er pardon who have done the wrong. ** Pt. 2, Act I, sc. ii * What precious drops are those<br />Which silently each other's track pursue,<br />Bright as young diamonds in their infant dew? ** Pt. 2, Act III, sc. i * Fame then was cheap, and the first comer sped;<br />And they have kept it since by being dead. ** Epilogue === [[w:Marriage à la mode (play)|''Marriage à la mode'']] (1673) === * We lov'd, and we lov'd, as long as we could, <br> Till our love was lov'd out in us both: <br> But our marriage is dead, when the pleasure is fled: <br> 'Twas pleasure first made it an oath. ** Act I * Our souls sit close and silently within,<br />And their own web from their own entrails spin;<br />And when eyes meet far off, our sense is such,<br />That, spider-like, we feel the tenderest touch. ** Act II, sc. i<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === [[w:Aureng-zebe|''Aureng-Zebe'']] (1676) === [[File:Hieronymus Bosch 013 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Death in itself is nothing; but we fear<br />To be we know not what, we know not where.]] * '''Death in itself is nothing; but we fear<br />To be we know not what, we know not where.''' ** Act IV, sc. i * When I consider life, 't is all a cheat.<br />Yet fool'd with hope, men favour the deceit;<br />Trust on, and think to-morrow will repay.<br />To-morrow 's falser than the former day;<br />Lies worse, and while it says we shall be blest<br />With some new joys, cuts off what we possest.<br />Strange cozenage! none would live past years again,<br />Yet all hope pleasure in what yet remain;<br />And from the dregs of life think to receive<br />What the first sprightly running could not give. ** Act IV, sc. i * 'Tis not for nothing that we life pursue;<br />It pays our hopes with something still that's new. ** Act IV, sc. i === [[w:The Maiden Queen|''The Maiden Queen'']] (1667) === * Your ignorance is the mother of your devotion to me. ** Act I, sc. ii * Burn daylight. ** Act II, sc. i * I am resolved to grow fat, and look young till forty. ** Act III, sc. i<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === [[w:All for Love (play)|''All for Love'']] (1678) === [[File:Jacopo Zucchi’s allegory of the discovery of America, 1585.webp|thumb|Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow;<br />He who would search for pearls, must dive below.]] * '''What flocks of critics hover here to-day,<br />As vultures wait on armies for their prey,<br />All gaping for the carcase of a play!'''<br />With croaking notes they bode some dire event,<br />And follow dying poets by the scent. ** Prologue * He's somewhat lewd; but a well-meaning mind;<br />Weeps much; fights little; but is wond'rous kind. ** Prologue * A brave man scorns to quarrel once a day;<br />Like Hectors in at every petty fray. ** Prologue * '''Let those find fault whose wit's so very small,<br />They've need to show that they can think at all;<br />Errors, like straws, upon the surface flow;<br />He who would search for pearls, must dive below.''' <br /> Fops may have leave to level all they can;<br />As pigmies would be glad to lop a man.<br />Half-wits are fleas; so little and so light,<br />We scarce could know they live, but that they bite. ** Prologue * '''Give, you gods, <br />Give to your boy, your Caesar, <br />The rattle of a globe to play withal, <br />This gewgaw world, and put him cheaply off; <br />I'll not be pleased with less than Cleopatra.''' ** Act II, sc. ii * The wretched have no friends. ** Act III, sc. i * Men are but children of a larger growth;<br /> Our appetites as apt to change as theirs,<br /> And full as craving, too, and full as vain. ** Act IV, sc. i * '''With how much ease believe we what we wish!''' ** Act IV, sc. i (Cleopatra loq.) === [[w:Oedipus (Dryden play)|''Œdipus'']] (1679) === [[File:Fulchran Jean Harriet - Oedipus at Colonus - 2002.3 - Cleveland Museum of Art.tiff|thumb|Whatever is, is in its causes just.]] * '''Whatever is, is in its causes just.''' ** Act III, sc. i * His hair just grizzled,<br />As in a green old age. ** Act III, sc. i * Of no distemper, of no blast he died,<br />But fell like autumn fruit that mellowed long — <br />Even wondered at, because he dropped no sooner.<br />Fate seemed to wind him up for fourscore years,<br />Yet freshly ran he on ten winters more;<br />Till like a clock worn out with eating time,<br />The wheels of weary life at last stood still. ** Act IV, sc. i * She, though in full-blown flower of glorious beauty,<br />Grows cold even in the summer of her age. ** Act IV, sc. i === ''Ovid's Epistles'' (1680) === * '''It is almost impossible to translate verbally and well at the same time'''; for the Latin (a most severe and compendious language) often expresses that in one word which either the barbarity or the narrowness of modern tongues cannot supply in more. ... But since '''every language is so full of its own proprieties that what is beautiful in one is often barbarous, nay, sometimes nonsense, in another''', it would be unreasonable to limit a translator to the narrow compass of his author's words; it is enough if he choose out some expression which does not vitiate the sense. ** Preface.<!--''Works of John Dryden'' (1803) as quoted by P. Fleury Mottelay in ''William Gilbert of Colchester'' (1893)--> === [[w:The Spanish Friar|''The Spanish Friar'']] (1681) === * '''There is a pleasure sure<br />In being mad which none but madmen know.''' ** Act II, sc. i * Lord of humankind. ** Act II, sc. i * '''Like a led victim, to my death I'll go,<br /> And, dying, bless the hand that gave the blow.''' ** Act II, sc. i * Second thoughts, they say, are best. ** Act II, sc. ii * He's a sure card. ** Act II, sc. ii * '''They say everything in the world is good for something.''' ** Act III, sc. ii * As sure as a gun. ** Act III, sc. ii * Nor can his blessed soul look down from heaven,<br />Or break the eternal sabbath of his rest. ** Act V, sc. ii === ''[[w:Absalom and Achitophel|Absalom and Achitophel]]'' (1681) === {{Main|Absalom and Achitophel}} [[File:James Scott.jpg|thumb|Whate’er he did was done with so much ease,<br />In him alone 'twas natural to please.]] * '''Whate’er he did, was done with so much ease,<br />In him alone 'twas natural to please.''' ** Pt. I, l. 27 * '''Plots, true or false, are necessary things,<br />To raise up commonwealths and ruin kings.''' ** Pt. I, l. 83 * Great wits are sure to madness near allied,<br />And thin partitions do their bounds divide. ** Pt. I, l. 163 * And all to leave, what with his toil he won<br />To that unfeathered two-legged thing, a son. ** Pt. I, ll. 169 * '''In friendship false, implacable in hate,<br />Resolved to ruin, or to rule the state.''' ** Pt. I, l. 173 * And heaven had wanted one immortal song. <br> But wild ambition loves to slide, not stand, <br> And fortune's ice prefers to virtue's land. ** Pt. I, l. 197 * The people's prayer, the glad diviner's theme, <br> The young men's vision, and the old men's dream! ** Pt. I, l. 238 * All empire is no more than power in trust. ** Pt. I, l. 411 * Better one suffer, than a nation grieve. ** Pt. I, l. 416 * Self-defence is nature's eldest law ** Pt. I, l. 458 * Not only hating David, but the king. ** Pt. I, l. 512 * But far more numerous was the herd of such,<br />Who think too little, and who talk too much. ** Pt. I, l. 532 * A man so various, that he seem’d to be<br />Not one, but all mankind’s epitome;<br />Stiff in opinions, always in the wrong,<br />Was everything by starts, and nothing long;<br />But in the course of one revolving moon<br />Was chemist, fiddler, statesman, and buffoon. ** Pt. I, l. 545 * '''Every man with him was God or devil.''' ** Pt. I, l. 557 * His tribe were God Almighty's gentlemen. ** Pt. I, l. 645 * Thus in a pageant-show a plot is made;<br />And peace itself is war in masquerade. ** Pt. I, l. 751 * Nor is the people's judgment always true:<br />The most may err as grossly as the few. ** Pt. I, l. 781 * Never was patriot yet, but was a fool. ** Pt. I, l. 967 * '''Beware the fury of a patient man.''' ** Pt. I, l. 1005 * Made still a blund'ring kind of melody;<br />Spurred boldly on, and dashed through thick and thin,<br />Through sense and nonsense, never out nor in.<br />Free from all meaning, whether good or bad,<br />And in one word, heroically mad. ** Pt. II, l. 413 === ''[[w:Mac Flecknoe|Mac Flecknoe]]'' (1682) === * '''All human things are subject to decay,<br />And, when fate summons, monarchs must obey.''' ** ll. 1–2 * The rest to some faint meaning make pretense,<br />But Shadwell never deviates into sense.<br />Some beams of wit on other souls may fall,<br />Strike through and make a lucid interval;<br />But Shadwell's genuine night admits no ray,<br />His rising fogs prevail upon the day. ** ll. 19–24 * Leave writing plays, and choose for thy command<br />Some peaceful province in acrostic land.<br />There thou mayst wings display and altars raise,<br />And torture one poor word ten thousand ways. ** ll. 205–208 === ''[[w:Religio Laici|Religio Laici]]'' (1682) === [[File:Bewening van Christus, Anthony van Dyck, (1635), Koninklijk Museum voor Schone Kunsten Antwerpen, 404.jpg|thumb|upright=1.15|If others in the same Glass better see<br />'Tis for Themselves they look, but not for me:<br />For ''my'' Salvation must its Doom receive<br />Not from what ''others'', but what I believe.]] * A man is to be cheated into passion, but to be reasoned into truth. ** Preface * Dim as the borrowed beams of moon and stars<br />To lonely, weary, wandering travellers<br />Is reason to the soul; and as on high<br />Those rolling fires discover but the sky<br />Not light us here, so reason's glimmering ray<br />Was lent, not to assure our doubtful way,<br />But guide us upward to a better day:<br />And as those nightly tapers disappear<br />When day's bright lord ascends our hemisphere,<br />So pale grows reason at religion's sight, <br />So dies, and so dissolves in supernatural light. ** ll. 1–11 * More Safe, and much more modest 'tis, to say<br />God wou'd not leave Mankind without a way:<br />And that the Scriptures, though not every where<br />Free from Corruption, or intire, or clear,<br />Are uncorrupt, sufficient, clear, intire,<br />In all things which our needfull Faith require.<br />'''If others in the same Glass better see<br />'Tis for Themselves they look, but not for me:<br />For ''my'' Salvation must its Doom receive<br />Not from what ''others'', but what I believe.''' ** ll. 295–304 === ''Imitation of Horace'' (1685) === {{main|Imitation of Horace}} * '''Happy the man, and happy he alone,<br />He who can call today his own;<br />He who, secure within, can say,<br />Tomorrow, do thy worst, for I have lived today.''' ** Bk. III, Ode 29, ll. 65–68 * Be fair, or foul, or rain, or shine, <br /> The joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine. <br /> '''Not heaven itself upon the past has power;<br />But what has been, has been, and I have had my hour.''' ** Bk. III, Ode 29, ll. 69–72 * I can enjoy her while she's kind;<br />But when she dances in the wind,<br />And shakes the wings and will not stay,<br />I puff the [[prostitution|prostitute]] away: <br /> The little or the much she gave is quietly resign'd: <br /> '''Content with poverty, my soul I arm; <br /> And virtue, though in rags, will keep me warm.''' ** Bk. III, Ode 29, ll. 81–87; On Fortune === ''Sylvae'' (1685) === * [[John Milton|Milton]]'s ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' is admirable; but am I therefore bound to maintain, that there are no flats amongst his elevations, when it is evident he creeps along sometimes for above an hundred lines together? Cannot I admire the height of his invention, and the strength of his expression, without defending his antiquated words, and the perpetual harshness of their sound? It is as much commendation as a man can bear, to own him excellent; all beyond it is idolatry. ** Preface (ed. 1702) * Nay, tho' our Atoms shou'd revolve by chance,<br />And matter leape into the former dance;<br />Tho' time our Life and motion cou'd restore,<br />And make our Bodies what they were before,<br />What gain to us wou'd all this bustle bring,<br />The new made man wou'd be another thing;<br />When once an interrupting pause is made,<br />That individual Being is decay'd.<br />We, who are dead and gone, shall bear no part<br />In all the pleasures, nor shall feel the smart,<br />Which to that other Mortal shall accrew,<br />Whom of our Matter Time shall mould anew. ** ''Translation of the Latter Part of the Third Book of [[Lucretius]]: "Against the Fear of Death"'' === [[w:A Song for St. Cecilia's Day|''A Song for St. Cecilia's Day'']] (1687) === [[File:Guercino - St. Cecilia - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|What passion cannot Music raise and quell?]] * From harmony, from heavenly harmony,<br />This universal frame began:<br />When nature underneath a heap<br />Of jarring atoms lay,<br />And could not heave her head,<br />The tuneful voice was heard from high,<br />'Arise, ye more than dead!'<br />Then cold, and hot, and moist, and dry,<br />In order to their stations leap,<br />And Music's power obey.<br />'''From harmony, from heavenly harmony,<br />This universal frame began:<br />From harmony to harmony<br />Through all the compass of the notes it ran,<br />The diapason closing full in Man.''' ** St. 1 * '''What passion cannot Music raise and quell?''' ** St. 2 * The trumpet's loud clangor<br />Excites us to arms. ** St. 3 * The soft complaining flute,<br />In dying notes, discovers<br />The woes of hopeless lovers. ** St. 4 * So, when the last and dreadful Hour<br />This crumbling Pageant shall devour,<br />'''The ''trumpet'' shall be heard on high,<br />The dead shall live, the living die,<br />And ''musick'' shall untune the Sky.''' ** Grand Chorus === [[w:The Hind and the Panther|''The Hind and the Panther'']] (1687) === * '''She feared no danger, for she knew no sin.''' ** Pt. I, l. 4 * And doomed to death, though fated not to die. ** Pt. I, l. 8 * '''For truth has such a face and such a mien<br />As to be loved needs only to be seen.''' ** Pt. I, ll. 33–34 * '''Of all the tyrannies on human kind<br />The worst is that which persecutes the mind.''' ** Pt. I, ll. 239–240 * Reason to rule, mercy to forgive:<br />The first is law, the last prerogative. ** Pt. I, ll. 261-262 * And kind as kings upon their coronation day. ** Pt. I, l. 271 * Too black for heav'n, and yet too white for hell. ** Pt. I, l. 343 * As long as words a different sense will bear, <br /> And each may be his own interpreter, <br /> Our airy faith will no foundation find; <br /> The word's a weathercock for every wind. ** Pt. I, ll. 462–465 * All have not the gift of martyrdom. ** Pt. II, l. 59 * '''War seldom enters but where wealth allures.''' ** Pt. II, l. 706 * Jealousy, the jaundice of the soul. ** Pt. III, l. 73 * For present joys are more to flesh and blood<br />Than a dull prospect of a distant good. ** Pt. III, ll. 364–365 * T' abhor the makers, and their laws approve,<br />Is to hate traitors and the treason love. ** Pt. III, ll. 706–707 * Secret guilt by silence is betrayed. ** Pt. III, l. 763 * '''Possess your soul with patience.''' ** Pt. III, l. 839 * For those whom God to ruin has design'd,<br />He fits for fate, and first destroys their mind. ** Pt. III, l. 2387 === ''The Satires of Juvenal and Persius'' (1693) === * I am reading [[Ben Jonson|Jonson]]'s verses to the memory of Shakespeare; an insolent, sparing, and invidious panegyric. ** Dedication.<!--On "To the Memory of my Beloved, the Author, Mr. William Shakespeare: and what he hath left us. [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/2615 ''Discourses on Satire and Epic Poetry''] (1692–1697)--> * '''Look round the habitable world: how few<br />Know their own good, or knowing it, pursue.''' ** Satire X, ll. 1–2 * I well believe, thou wouldst be great as he;<br />For every man's a fool to that degree:<br />All wish the dire prerogative to kill;<br />Ev'n they would have the power who want the will. ** Satire X, ll. 156–159 * Indulge, and to thy genius freely give;<br />For not to live at ease, is not to live.<br />Death stalks behind thee, and each flying hour<br />Does some loose remnant of thy life devour.<br />Live, while thou liv'st; for death will make us all<br />A name, a nothing but an old wife's tale. ** [[Persius]], Satire V, ll. 220–225 * She knows her man, and when you rant and swear,<br />Can draw you to her with a single hair. ** [[Persius]], Satire V, l. 246<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === ''[[w:Amphitryon|Amphitryon]]'' (1690) === * A knockdown argument: 'tis but a word and a blow. ** Act I, sc. i * Whistling to keep myself from being afraid. ** Act III, sc. iii * The true Amphitryon is the Amphitryon where we dine. ** Act IV, sc. i<!-- ''Barlett's'', 10th ed. (1919) says: act iii. sc. 5.--> === [[w:Don Sebastian (play)|''Don Sebastian'']] (1690) === * This is the porcelain clay of humankind. ** Act I, sc. i * I have a soul that like an ample shield<br />Can take in all, and verge enough for more. ** Act I, sc. i === [[w:Alexander's Feast (Dryden poem)|''Alexander's Feast'']] (1697) === * Happy, happy, happy pair!<br />None but the brave,<br /> None but the brave,<br />'''None but the brave deserves the fair.''' ** ll. 12–15 * With ravished ears<br />The monarch hears;<br />Assumes the god,<br />Affects the nod,<br />And seems to shake the spheres. ** ll. 37–41 * Sound the trumpets; beat the drums...<br />Now give the hautboys breath; he comes, he comes. ** ll. 50–51 * Bacchus, ever fair and ever young. ** l. 54 * Drinking is the soldier’s pleasure;<br />Rich the treasure;<br />Sweet the pleasure;<br />'''Sweet is pleasure after pain.''' ** ll. 57–60 * Sooth'd with the sound, the king grew vain;<br />Fought all his battles o'er again;<br />And thrice he routed all his foes, and thrice he slew the slain. ** ll. 66–70 * Fallen, fallen, fallen, fallen,<br />Fallen from his high estate,<br />And welt'ring in his blood;<br />Deserted, at his utmost need,<br />By those his former bounty fed,<br />On the bare earth exposed he lies,<br />With not a friend to close his eyes. ** ll. 77–83 * For pity melts the mind to love. ** l. 96 * Softly sweet, in Lydian measures,<br />Soon he soothed his soul to pleasures.<br />War, he sung, is toil and trouble;<br />Honor but an empty bubble;<br />Never ending, still beginning,<br />Fighting still, and still destroying.<br />'''If all the world be worth thy winning.<br />Think, oh think it worth enjoying:<br />Lovely Thaïs sits beside thee,<br />Take the good the gods provide thee.''' ** ll. 97–106 * Sigh'd and look'd, and sigh'd again. ** l. 120 * And, like another Helen, fir'd another Troy. ** l. 154 * Timotheus, to his breathing flute,<br /> And sounding lyre,<br />Could swell the soul to rage, or kindle soft desire. ** ll. 158–159 * Let old Timotheus yield the prize,<br />Or both divide the crown;<br />He rais’d a mortal to the skies;<br />She drew an angel down. ** ll. 167–170 === ''The Works of Virgil'' (1697) === {{main|The Works of Virgil (John Dryden)}} [[File:VirgilDryden1716Vol2.jpg|thumb|[[Love]] conquers [[all]], and we must yield to Love.]] * '''A Heroick Poem, truly such, is undoubtedly the greatest Work which the Soul of Man is capable to perform.''' ** Dedication (ed. 1709) * Love conquers all, and we must yield to Love. ** Pastoral X, ll. 98–99 * My next desire is, void of care and strife,<br />To lead a soft, secure, inglorious life:<br />A country cottage near a crystal flood,<br />A winding valley, and a lofty wood. ** Georgic II, ll. 688–691 * Love is lord of all, and is in all the same. ** Georgic III, ll. 380 * Arms, and the man I sing, who, forced by Fate,<br />And haughty Juno's unrelenting hate,<br />Expell'd and exil'd, left the Trojan shore;<br />Long labours both by sea and land he bore. ** Aeneis, Bk. I, ll. 1–4 * Can heav'nly minds such high resentment show,<br />Or exercise their spite in human woe? ** Aeneis, Bk. I, ll. 17–18 [[File:Aeneas and the Sibyl - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|right|The gates of hell are open night and day;<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies.]] * Endure the hardships of your present state,<br />Live, and reserve yourselves for better fate. ** Aeneis, Bk. I, ll. 289–290 * Like you, an alien in a land unknown,<br />I learn to pity woes so like my own. ** Aeneis, Bk. I, ll. 889–890 * The gates of hell are open night and day;<br />Smooth the descent, and easy is the way:<br />But to return, and view the cheerful skies,<br />In this the task and mighty labor lies. ** Aeneis, Bk. VI, ll. 192–195 * Ye realms, yet unreveal'd to human sight,<br />Ye gods who rule the regions of the night,<br />Ye gliding ghosts, permit me to relate<br />The mystic wonders of your silent state! ** Aeneis, Bk. VI, ll. 374–377 * Fate, and the dooming gods, are deaf to tears. ** Aeneis, Bk. VI, l. 512 === ''[[w:Fables, Ancient and Modern|Fables, Ancient and Modern]]'' (1700) === {{main|Fables, Ancient and Modern}} * A satirical poet is the check of the laymen on bad priests. ** Preface * It is sufficient to say, according to the proverb, that here is God's plenty. ** Preface * And new-laid eggs, which Baucis' busy care<br />Turned by a gentle fire, and roasted rare. ** ''Baucis and Philemon'', l. 97<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Art may err, but Nature cannot miss. ** ''The Cock and the Fox'', l. 452 * And that one hunting, which the Devil design'd<br />For one fair female, lost him half the kind. ** ''Theodore and Honoria'', l. 227<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * '''Ill habits gather by unseen degrees, <br />As brooks make rivers, rivers run to seas.''' ** ''Of the Pythagorean Philosophy'', ll. 155–156.<!--''The Worship of Aesculapius''--> * Fool, not to know that love endures no tie,<br />And Jove but laughs at lovers' perjury. ** [[w:Palamon and Arcite|''Palamon and Arcite'']], Bk. II, l. 758<!--Reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * '''When beauty fires the blood, how love exalts the mind!''' ** ''Cymon and Iphigenia'', l. 41 === ''The Secular Masque'' (1700) === * A very merry, dancing, drinking,<br />Laughing, quaffing, and unthinkable time. ** ll. 38–39 * '''The sword within the scabbard keep,<br />And let mankind agree.''' ** ll. 61–62 * '''Calms appear, when storms are past,<br />Love will have its hour at last.''' ** ll. 72–73 * Joy rul'd the day, and Love the night. ** l. 82 * All, all of a piece throughout:<br />Thy chase had a beast in view;<br />Thy wars brought nothing about;<br />Thy lovers were all untrue.<br />'Tis well an old age is out,<br />And time to begin a new. ** ll. 86–91 {{Disputed begin}} === Unsourced === ==== ''Poetical Quotations from Chaucer to Tennyson'' (1880) ==== :<small>Quotes reported in ''Poetical Quotations from Chaucer to Tennyson'', edited by S. Austin Allibone (Philadelphia, PA: J. B. Lippincott & Co, 1880)</small> * Winds murmur’d through the leaves your short delay,<br>And fountains o’er their pebbles chid your stay:<br>But, with your presence cheer’d, they cease to mourn,<br>And walks wear fresher green at your return. ** "Absence", p. 17 * Love reckons hours for months, and days for years;<br>And every little absence is an age. ** "Absence", p. 17 (''Amphitryon'') * His friends beheld, and pity’d him in vain,<br>For what advice can ease a lover’s pain?<br>Absence, the best expedient they could find,<br>Might save the fortune, if not cure the mind. ** "Absence", p. 17 (''Fables'') * His absence from his mother oft he’ll mourn,<br>And, with his eyes, look wishes to return. ** "Absence", p. 17 (Juvenal, ''Satire'' II) * &nbsp;&nbsp; Some souls we see<br>Grow hard and stiffen with adversity. ** "Adversity", p. 18 * Old age, with silent pace, comes creeping on,<br>Nauseates the praise which in her youth she won,<br>And hates the muse by which she was undone. ** "Age", p. 20 * Thus daily changing, by degrees I’d waste,<br>Still quitting ground by unperceived decay,<br>And steal myself from life, and melt away. ** "Age", p. 20 * Prudence, thou vainly in our youth art sought,<br>And with age purchased, art too dearly bought:<br>We’re past the use of wit for which we toil:<br>Late fruit, and planted in too cold a soil. ** "Age", p. 21 * Our green youth copies what grey sinners act,<br>When age commends the fact. ** "Age", p. 21 * &nbsp;&nbsp; His youth and age<br>All of a piece throughout, and all divine. ** "Age", p. 21 * Yet unimpair’d with labours, or with time,<br>Your age but seems to a new youth to climb. ** "Age", p. 21 * He look’d in years, yet in his years were seen<br>A youthful vigor, and autumnal green. ** "Age", p. 21 * You season still with sports your serious hours,<br>For age but tastes of pleasures, youth devours. ** "Age", p. 21 * This advantage youth from age hath won,<br>As not to be outridden though outrun. ** "Age", p. 21 * When the hoary head is hid in snow,<br>The life is in the leaf, and still between<br>The fits of falling snows appears the streaky green. ** "Age", p. 21 * What, start at this! when sixty years have spread<br>Their grey experience o’er thy hoary head?<br>Is this the all observing age could gain?<br>Or hast thou known the world so long in vain? ** "Age", p. 21 * So noiseless would I live, such death to find:<br>Like timely fruit, not shaken by the wind,<br>But ripely dropping from the sapless bough. ** "Age", p. 21 * Time has made you dote, and vainly tell<br>Of arms imagined in your lonely cell:<br>Go! be the temple and the gods your care;<br>Permit to men the thought of peace and war. ** "Age", p. 21 * Time seems not now beneath his years to stoop,<br>Nor do his wings with sickly feathers droop. ** "Age", p. 21 * And sin’s black dye seems blanch’d by age to virtue. ** "Age", p. 21 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Age has not yet<br>So shrunk my sinews, or so chill’d my veins,<br>But conscious virtue in my breast remains. ** "Age", p. 21 * Were I no queen, did you my beauty weigh,<br>My youth in bloom, your age in its decay. ** "Age", p. 21 * Now leave these joys, unsuiting to thy age,<br>To a fresh comer, and resign the stage. ** "Age", p. 21 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Just in the gate<br>Dwelt pale diseases and repining age. ** "Age", p. 21 * Beroe but now I left; whom, pined with pain,<br>Her age and anguish from these rites detain. ** "Age", p. 21 * O’er whom Time gently shakes his wings of down,<br>Till with his silent sickle they are mown. ** "Age", p. 21 * Jove, grant me length of life, and years good store<br>Heap on my bended back. ** "Age", p. 21 * The feeble old, indulgent of their ease. ** "Age", p. 21 * Thus then my loved Euryalus appears;<br>He looks the prop of my declining years. ** "Age", p. 21 * Of no distemper, of no blast he died,<br>But fell like autumn fruit that mellow’d long;<br>Even wonder’d at, because he dropt no sooner.<br>Fate seem’d to wind him up for fourscore years;<br>Yet freshly ran he on ten winters more:<br>Till like a clock worn out with eating time,<br>The wheels of weary life at last stood still. ** "Age", p. 21 (''Œdipus'') * These I wielded while my bloom was warm,<br>Ere age unstrung my nerves, or time o’er-snow’d my head. ** "Age", p. 21 * A look so pale no quartane ever gave;<br>My dwindled legs seem crawling to a grave. ** "Age", p. 21 (Juvenal) * These are the effects of doting age,<br>Vain doubts, and idle cares, and over caution. ** "Age", p. 21 (''Sebastian'') * No fences parted fields, nor marks nor bounds<br>Distinguish’d acres of litigious grounds. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * Apulian farms, for the rich soil admired,<br>And thy large fields, where falcons may be tired. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Much labour is required in trees;<br>Well must the ground be digg’d, and better dress’d,<br>New soil to make, and meliorate the rest. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * Of the same soil their nursery prepare<br>With that of their plantation, lest the tree<br>Translated should not with the soil agree. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * Better gleanings their worn soil can boast<br> Than the crab vintage of the neighb’ring coast, ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * When the Nile from Pharian fields is fled,<br>The fat manure with heay’nly fire is warm’d. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * That the spent earth may gather heart again,<br>And, better’d by cessation, bear the grain. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * Next, fenced with hedges and deep ditches round,<br>Exclude th’ encroaching cattle from the ground. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * The crooked plough, the share, the tow’ ring height<br>Of wagons, and the cart’s unwieldy weight;<br>These all must be prepared. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * ’Tis good for arable; a glebe that asks<br>Tough teams of oxen; and laborious tasks. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * When the fiery suns too fiercely play,<br>And shriyell’d herbs on with’ring stems decay,<br>The wary ploughman, on the mountain’s brow,<br>Undams his wat’ry stores; huge torrents flow;<br>Temp’ring the thirsty fever of the field. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * Pales no longer swell’d the teeming grain,<br>Nor Phœbus fed his oxen on the plain. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Quintius here was born,<br>Whose shining ploughshare was in furrows worn,<br>Met by his trembling wife, returning home,<br>And rustically joy’d, as chief of Rome. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * From ploughs and harrows sent to seek renown,<br>They fight in fields, and storm the shaken town. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * The royal husbandman appear’d,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; And plough’d, and sow’d, and till’d;<br>The thorns he rooted out, the rubbish clear’d,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; And blest th’ obedient field. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * Men plough with oxen of their own<br>Their small paternal field of corn. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * The field is spacious I design to sow,<br>With oxen far unfit to draw the plough. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * No plough shall hurt the glebe, no pruning-hook the vine. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * The teeming earth, yet guileless of the plough,<br>And unprovoked, did fruitful stores allow. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * The sweating steers unharness’d from the yoke<br>Bring back the crooked plough. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * An ox that waits the coming blow,<br>Old and unprofitable to the plough. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Who can cease to admire<br>The ploughman consul in his coarse attire? ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * &nbsp;&nbsp; The lab’ring swain<br>Scratch’d with a rake a furrow for his grain,<br>And cover’d with his hand the shallow seed again. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * His corn and cattle were his only care,<br>And his supreme delight a country fair. ** "Agriculture", p. 26 * He burns the leaves, the scorching blast invades<br>The tender corn, and shrivels up the blades, ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Thou king of horned floods, whose plenteous urn<br>Suffices fatness to the fruitful corn,<br>Shalt share my morning song and evening vows. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * No fruitful crop the sickly fields return;<br>But oats and darnel choke the rising corn. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Tough thistles choked the fields, and kill’d the corn,<br>And an unthrifty crop of weeds was born. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * &nbsp;&nbsp; The bearded corn ensued<br>From earth unask’d; nor was that earth renew’d. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Your hay it is mow’d, and your corn it is reap’d;<br>Your barns will be full, and your hovels heap’d;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Come, my boys, come,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Come, my boys, come,<br>And merrily roar out harvest-home. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Moist earth produces corn and grass, but both<br>Too rank and too luxuriant in their growth.<br>Let not my land so large a promise boast,<br>Lest the lank ears in length of stem be lost. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Delve of convenient depth your threshing floor;<br>With temper’d clay then fill and face it o’er. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * In vain the hinds the threshing floor prepare,<br>And exercise their flails in empty air. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * If a wood of leaves o’ershade the tree,<br>In vain the hind shall vex the threshing floor,<br>For empty chaff and straw will be thy store. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * On a short pruning-hook his head reclines,<br>And studiously surveys his gen’rous vines. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * She in pens his flocks will fold. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * In shallow furrows vines securely grow. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * The vineyard must employ thy sturdy steer<br>To turn the glebe; besides thy daily pain<br>To break the clods, and make the surface plain. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Some steep their seeds, and some in cauldrons boil<br>O’er gentle fires; the exuberant juice to drain,<br>And swell the flatt’ring husks with fruitful grain. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Mark well the flow’ring almonds in the wood:<br>If od’rous blooms the bearing branches load,<br>The glebe will answer to the sylvan reign:<br>Great heats will follow, and large crops of grain. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * The low’ring spring, with lavish rain,<br>Beats down the slender stem and bearded grain. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Oft the drudging ass is driven with toil;<br>Returning late and loaden home with gain<br>Of barter’d pitch, and handmills for the grain. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * In the sun your golden grain display,<br>And thrash it out and winnow it by day. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * &nbsp;&nbsp; We may know<br>And when to reap the grain and when to sow,<br>Or when to fell the furzes. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 (Virgil) * You who supply the ground with seeds of grain,<br>And you who swell those seeds with kindly rain. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * &nbsp;&nbsp; When continued rain<br>The lab’ring husband in his house restrain,<br>Let him forecast his work with timely care,<br>Which else is huddled when the skies are fair. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * And oft whole sheets descend of sluicy rain,<br>Suck’d by the spungy clouds from off the main:<br>The lofty skies at once come pouring down,<br>The promised crop and golden labours drown. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * She took the coleworts which her husband got<br>From his own ground (a small well-water’d spot);<br>She stripp’d the stalks of all their leaves; the best<br>She cull’d, and then with handy care she dress’d. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * But when the western winds with vital pow’r<br>Call forth the tender grass and budding flow’r,<br>Men, at the last, produce in open air<br>Both flocks, and send them to their summer’s fare. ** "Agriculture", p. 27 * Begin when the slow waggoner descends,<br>Nor cease your sowing till midwinter ends. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * For sundry foes the rural realm surround;<br>The field-mouse builds her garner under ground:<br>For gather’d grain the blind laborious mole,<br>In winding mazes, works her hidden hole. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Where the vales with violets once were crown’d,<br>Now knotty burs and thorns disgrace the ground. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Most have found<br>A husky harvest from the grudging ground. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * For flax and oats will burn the tender field,<br>And sleepy poppies harmful harvests yield. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * But various are the ways to change the state,<br>To plant, to bud, to graft, to inoculate. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * The peasant, innocent of all these ills,<br>With crooked ploughs the fertile fallow tills,<br>And the round year with daily labour fills. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * To his county farm the fool confined;<br>Rude work well suited with a rustic mind. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Thou hop’st with sacrifice of oxen slain<br>To compass wealth, and bribe the god of gain<br>To give thee flocks and herds, with large increase;<br>Fool! to expect them from a bullock’s grease. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Apollo check’d my pride, and bade me feed<br>My fatt’ning flocks, nor dare beyond the reed. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Let Araby extol her happy coast,<br>Her fragrant flow’rs, her trees with precious tears,<br>Her second harvests. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Suffering not the yellow beards to rear,<br>He tramples down the spikes, and intercepts the ear. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Ev’n when they sing at ease in full content,<br>Insulting o’er the toil they underwent,<br>Yet still they find a future task remain,<br>To turn the soil. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * To dress the vines new labour is required,<br>Nor must the painful husbandman be tired. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Give me, ye gods, the product of one field,<br>That so I neither may be rich nor poor;<br>And haying just enough, not covet more. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * All was common, and the fruitful earth<br>Was free to give her unexacted birth. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Their morning milk the peasants press at night;<br>Their evening milk before the rising light. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * The peaceful peasant to the wars is prest,<br>The fields lie fallow in inglorious rest. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Where the tender rinds of trees disclose<br>Their shooting germs, a swelling knot there grows;<br>Just in that place a narrow slit we make,<br>Then other buds from bearing trees we take;<br>Inserted thus, the wounded rind we close. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Your farm requites your pains,<br>Though rushes overspread the neighb’ring plains. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Rocks lie cover’d with eternal snow;<br>Thin herbage in the plains, and fruitless fields. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Uneasy still within these narrow bounds,<br>Thy next design is on thy neighbour’s grounds:<br>His crop invites, to full perfection grown;<br>Thy own seems thin, because it is thy own. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * T’ unload the branches, or the leaves to thin<br>That suck the vital moisture of the vine. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * Yet then this little spot of earth well till’d,<br>A num’rous family with plenty fill’d,<br>The good old man and thrifty housewife spent<br>Their days in peace and fatten’d with content;<br>Enjoy’d the dregs of life, and lived to see <br>A long descending healthful progeny. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * The soil, with fatt’ning moisture fill’d,<br>Is clothed with grass, and fruitful to be till’d;<br>Such as in fruitful vales we view from high,<br>Which dripping rocks, not rowling streams supply. ** "Agriculture", p. 28 * First, with assiduous care from winter keep,<br>Well fother’d in the stalls, thy tender sheep;<br>Then spread with straw the bedding of thy fold,<br>With fern beneath, to fend the bitter cold. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * In vain the barns expect their promised load;<br>Nor barns at home, nor ricks are heap’d abroad. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * At harvest-home, and on the shearing day,<br>When he should thanks to Pan and Pales pay. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * Ah that your business had been mine,<br>To pen the sheep. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * Root up wild olives from thy labour’d lands. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * Nor is the profit small the peasant makes,<br>Who smooths with harrow, or who pounds with rakes,<br>The crumbling clods. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Be mindful<br>With iron teeth of rakes and prongs to move<br>The crusted earth. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * Let thy hand supply the pruning-knife,<br>And crop luxuriant stragglers. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Bid the laborious hind,<br>Whose harden’d hands did long in tillage toil,<br>Neglect the promised harvest of the soil. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * The wiser madman did for virtue toil<br>A thorny, or at least a barren, soil. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * Here the marshy grounds approach your fields,<br>And there the soil a stony harvest yields. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * While the reaper fills his greedy hands,<br>And binds the golden sheaves in brittle bands. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * Did we for these barbarians plant and sow,<br>On these, on these our happy fields bestow? ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * If your care to wheat alone extend,<br>Let Maia with her sisters first descend,<br>Before you trust in earth your future hope,<br>Or else expect a listless, lazy crop. ** "Agriculture", p. 29 * Some through ambition, or through thirst of gold,<br>Have slain their brothers, and their country sold. ** "Ambition", p. 33 * Those who to empire by dark paths aspire,<br>Still plead a call to what they most desire. ** "Ambition", p. 33 * One world sufficed not Alexander’s mind;<br>Coop’d up he seem’d, in earth and seas confined. ** "Ambition", p. 33 * Too truly [[Tamerlane]]’s successors they;<br>Each thinks a world too little for his sway. ** "Ambition", p. 33 * O diadem, thou centre of ambition,<br>Where all its different lines are reconciled;<br>As if thou wert the burning glass of glory. ** "Ambition", p. 33 * No toil, no hardship can restrain<br>Ambitious man inured to pain;<br>The more confined, the more he tries,<br>And at forbidden quarry flies. ** "Ambition", p. 34 * With joy th’ ambitious youth his mother heard,<br>And, eager, for the journey soon prepared;<br>He longs the world beneath him to survey,<br>To guide the chariot, and to give the day. ** "Ambition", p. 34 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Why does Antony dream out his hours,<br>And tempts not fortune for a noble day? ** "Ambition", p. 34 * To cure their mad ambition, they were sent<br>To rule a distant province, each alone:<br>What could a careful father more have done? ** "Ambition", p. 34 * Leave to fathom such high points as these,<br>Nor be ambitious, ere the time, to please;<br>Unseasonably wise, till age and cares<br>Have form’d thy soul to manage great affairs. ** "Ambition", p. 34 * Dare to be great without a guilty crown;<br>View it, and lay the bright temptation down:<br>’Tis base to seize on all. ** "Ambition", p. 34 * Were virtue by descent, a noble name<br>Could never villanize his father’s fame;<br>But, as the first, the last of all the line<br>Would, like the sun, ev’n in descending, shine. ** "Ancestry", p. 35 * Vain are their hopes who fancy to inherit,<br>By trees of pedigree, or fame or merit;<br>Though plodding heralds through each branch may trace<br>Old captains and dictators of their race. ** "Ancestry", p. 35 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Long galleries of ancestors<br>Challenge nor wonder or esteem from me:<br>"Virtue alone is true nobility." ** "Ancestry", p. 35 * Do then as your progenitors have done,<br>And by their virtues prove yourself their son. ** "Ancestry", p. 35 * Thus, born alike, from virtue first began<br>The diffrence that distinguish’d man from man:<br>He claim’d no title from descent of blood;<br>But that which made him noble, made him good. ** "Ancestry", p. 35 * What have I lost by my forefathers’ fault!<br>Why was I not the twentieth by descent<br>From a long restive race of droning kings? ** "Ancestry", p. 36 * Please thy pride, and search the herald’s roll,<br>Where thou shalt find thy famous pedigree,<br>Drawn from the root of some old Tuscan tree,<br>And thou, a thousand off, a fool of long degree. ** "Ancestry", p. 36 * For if the sire be faint, or out of case,<br>He will be copied in his famish’d race. ** "Ancestry", p. 36 * So bright a splendour, so divine a grace,<br>The glorious Daphnis casts on his illustrious race. ** "Ancestry", p. 36 * Auspicious chief! thy race, in times to come,<br>Shall spread the conquests of imperial Rome. ** "Ancestry", p. 36 * From a mean stock the pious Decii came;<br>Yet such their virtues, that their loss alone<br>For Rome and all our regions did atone. ** "Ancestry", p. 36 * Obscure! why prythee what am I? I know<br>My father, grandsire, and great grandsire too:<br>If farther I derive my pedigree,<br>I can but guess beyond the fourth degree.<br>The rest of my forgotten ancestors<br>Were sons of earth. ** "Ancestry", p. 36 * When we behold an angel, not to fear,<br>Is to be impudent. ** "Angels", p. 37 * That we may angels seem, we paint them elves,<br>And are but satires to set up ourselves. ** "Angels", p. 37 * I saw th’ angelic guards from earth ascend,<br>Grieved they must now no longer man attend;<br>The beams about their temples dimly shone;<br>One would have thought the crime had been their own. ** "Angels", p. 37 * When he knew his rival freed and gone,<br>He swells with wrath; he makes outrageous moan:<br>He frets, he fumes, he stares, he stamps the ground,<br>The hollow tow’r with clamours rings around. ** "Anger", p. 38 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I beg the grace<br>You would lay by those terrors of your face;<br>Till calmness to your eyes you first restore,<br>I am afraid, and I can beg no more. ** "Anger", p. 38 * If on your head my fury does not turn,<br>Thank that fond dotage which so much you scorn. ** "Anger", p. 38 * He, like a patient angler, ere he strook,<br>Would let them play awhile upon the hook. ** "Angling", p. 39 * Casting nets were spread in shallow brooks,<br>Drags in the deep, and baits were hung on hooks. ** "Angling", p. 39 * Perpetual anguish fills his anxious breast,<br>Not stopt by business, nor composed by rest;<br>No music cheers him, nor no feast can please. ** "Anguish", p. 40 * Some on antiquated authors pore;<br>Rummage for sense. ** "Antiquities", p. 40 * Then thus a senior of the place replies,<br>Well read, and curious of antiquities. ** "Antiquities", p. 40 * His pensive cheek upon his hand reclined,<br>And anxious thoughts revolving in his mind. ** "Anxiety", p. 41 * Let this and every other anxious thought<br>At th’ entrance of my threshold be forgot. ** "Anxiety", p. 41 * Firm Doric pillars found the solid base,<br>The fair Corinthian crown the higher space,<br>And all below is strength, and all above is grace. ** "Architecture", p. 41 * His son builds on, and never is content<br>Till the last farthing is in structure spent. ** "Architecture", p. 41 * Grant her, besides, of noble blood that ran<br>In ancient veins, ere heraldry began. ** "Aristocracy", p. 43 * The whole division that to Mars pertains,<br>All trades of death that deal in steel for gains,<br>Were there; the butcher, armorer, and smith,<br>Who forges sharpen’d fauchions, or the scythe. ** "Arms", p. 43 * Their wildness lose, and, quitting nature’s part,<br>Obey the rules and discipline of art. ** "Art", p. 43 * The soldier then in Grecian arts unskill’d,<br>Returning rich with plunder from the field,<br>If cups of silver or of gold he brought<br>With jewels set, and exquisitely wrought,<br>To glorious trappings strait the plate he turn’d,<br>And with the glitt’ring spoil his horse adorn’d. ** "Arts", p. 44 * What wonder if the kindly beams he shed,<br>Revived the drooping arts again;<br>If science raised her head,<br>And soft humanity, that from rebellion fled. ** "Arts", p. 44 * All arts and artists Theseus could command,<br>Who sold for hire, or wrought for better fame. ** "Arts", p. 44 * &nbsp;&nbsp; He, full of fraudful arts,<br>This well-invented tale for truth imparts. ** "Arts", p. 44 * Live then, thou great encourager of arts!<br>Live ever in our thankful hearts. ** "Arts", p. 44 * Unskill’d in schemes by planets to foreshow,<br>I neither will nor can prognosticate<br>To the young gaping heir his father’s fate. ** "Astrology", p. 45 * The spiteful stars have shed their venom down,<br>And now the peaceful planets take their turn. ** "Astrology", p. 45 * Such sullen planets at my birth did shine,<br>They threaten every fortune mixt with mine. ** "Astrology", p. 45 * Sorceries to raise th’ infernal pow’rs,<br>And sigils framed in planetary hours. ** "Astrology", p. 45 * Would I had been disposer of thy stars,<br>Thou shouldst have had thy wish, and died in wars. ** "Astrology", p. 45 * If but a mile she travel out of town,<br>The planetary hour must first be known,<br>And lucky moment, if her eye but akes,<br>Or itches, its decumbiture she takes. ** "Astrology", p. 45 * And much more honest to be hired, and stand<br>With auctionary hammer in thy hand;<br>Provoking to give more, and knocking thrice<br>For the old household stuff, or picture’s price. ** "Auction", p. 46 (Juvenal) * Noble Boyle, not less in nature seen<br>Than his great brother read in states and men. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Great Fletcher never treads in buskins here,<br>Nor greater Jonson dares in socks appear. ** "Authors", p. 48 * In easy dialogues is Fletcher’s praise:<br>He moved the mind, but had not pow’r to raise. ** "Authors", p. 48 * When did his muse from Fletcher scenes purloin,<br>As thou whose Eth’ ridge dost transfuse to thine?<br>But so transfused as oil and waters flow:<br>His always floats above, thine sinks below. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Ganfride, who couldst so well in rhyme complain<br>The death of Richard, with an arrow slain. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Homer, whose name shall live in epic song,<br>While music numbers, or while verse has feet. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Three poets, in three distant ages born,<br>Greece, Italy, and England did adorn:<br>The first in majesty of thought surpass’d,<br>The next in gracefulness; in both the last.<br>The force of nature could no further go:<br>To make a third she join’d the other two. ** "Authors", p. 48 (On Milton) * Horace, with sly insinuating grace,<br>Laugh’d at his friend, and look’d him in the face;<br>Would raise a blush where secret vice he found,<br>And tickle while he gently probed the wound;<br>With seeming innocence the crowd beguiled,<br>But made the desperate passes when he smiled. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Nor let false friends seduce thy mind to fame<br>By arrogating Jonson’s hostile name;<br>Let father Flecknoe fire thy mind with praise,<br>And uncle Ogleby thy envy raise. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Your Ben and Fletcher, in their first young flight,<br>Did no Volpone, nor no Arbaces write;<br>But hopp’d about, and short excursions made<br>From bough to bough, as if they were afraid. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Lucan, content with praise, may lie at ease<br>In costly grots and marble palaces;<br>But to poor Bassus what avails a name,<br>To starve on compliments and empty fame? ** "Authors", p. 48 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Orestes’ bulky rage,<br>Unsatisfied with margins closely writ,<br>Foams o’er the covers, and not finish’d yet. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Next Petrarch follow’d, and in him we see<br>What rhyme, improved in all its height, can be;<br>At best a pleasing sound, and sweet barbarity. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Saint Andre’s feet ne’er kept more equal time,<br>Not ev’n the feet of thy own Psyche’s rhyme;<br>Though they in numbers as in sense excel,<br>So just, so like tautology, they fell. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Shadwell alone of all my sons is he<br>Who stands confirm’d in full stupidity. ** "Authors", p. 48 * The rest to some faint meaning make pretence,<br>But Shadwell never deviates into sense. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Some beams of wit on other souls may fall,<br>Strike through, and make a lucid interval;<br>But Shadwell’s genuine night admits no ray,<br>His rising fogs prevail upon the day. ** "Authors", p. 48 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Anger would indite<br>Such woful stuff as I or Shadwell write. ** "Authors", p. 48 * Shadwell till death true dulness would maintain;<br>And, in his father’s right and realm’s defence,<br>Ne’er would have peace with wit, nor truce with sense. ** "Authors", p. 48 * But Shakspeare’s magic could not copied be;<br>Within that circle none durst walk but he. ** "Authors", p. 49 (Prologue to ''The Tempest'') * &nbsp;&nbsp; The vain endurances of life,<br>And they who most perform’d, and promised less,<br>Ev’n Short and Hobbes, forsook th’ unequal strife. ** "Authors", p. 49 * Whoe’er thou art, whose forward ears are bent<br>On state affairs, to guide the government;<br>Hear first what Socrates of old has said<br>To the loved youth whom he at Athens bred. ** "Authors", p. 49 * Exalted Socrates! divinely brave!<br>Injured he fell, and dying he forgave;<br>Too noble for revenge. ** "Authors", p. 49 * That good man, who drank the pois’nous draught<br>With mind serene, and could not wish to see<br>His vile accuser drink as deep as he. ** "Authors", p. 49 * All authors to their own defects are blind;<br>Hadst thou but, Janus-like, a face behind,<br>To see the people, what splay mouths they make,<br>To mark their fingers pointed at thy back. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * The unhappy man who once has trail’d a pen<br>Lives not to please himself, but other men;<br>Is always drudging with his life and blood,<br>Yet only eats and drinks what you think good. ** "Authorship", p. 56 (Prologue to Lee’s ''Cesar Borgia'') * Such is the poet’s lot: what happier fate<br>Does on the works of grave historians wait!<br>More time they spend, in-greater toils engage:<br>Their volumes swell beyond the thousandth page. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * &nbsp;&nbsp; If I by chance succeed<br>In what I write, and that’s a chance indeed,<br>Know I am not so stupid, or so hard,<br>Not to feel praise, or fame’s deserved reward. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * You exclaim as loud as those that praise,<br>For scraps and coach-hire, a young noble’s plays. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * Is it for this they study? to grow pale,<br>And miss the pleasures of a glorious meal?<br>For this, in rags accoutred are they seen,<br>And made the May-game of the public spleen? ** "Authorship", p. 56 * The bard that first adorn’d our native tongue<br>Tuned to his British lyre this ancient song. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * Th’ illiterate writer, empiric-like, applies<br>To minds diseased unsafe chance remedies:<br>The learn’d in schools, where knowledge first began,<br>Studies with care th’ anatomy of man;<br>Sees virtue, vice, and passions in their cause,<br>And fame from science, not from fortune, draws. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * He was too warm on picking work to dwell,<br>But faggoted his notions as they fell;<br>And if they rhymed and rattled, all was well. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * The hand and head were never lost of those<br>Who dealt in dogg’rel, or who punn’d in prose. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * No more accuse thy pen, but charge the crime<br>On native sloth, and negligence of time. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * His knowledge in the noblest useful arts<br>Was such dead authors could not give,<br>But habitudes with those who live. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Whatever truths<br>Redeem’d from error, or from ignorance,<br>Thin in their authors, like rich veins of ore,<br>Your works unite, and still discover more. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * I must disclaim whate’er he can express;<br>His grovelling sense will show my passion less. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * Gentle or sharp, according to thy choice,<br>To laugh at follies, or to lash at vice. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * 'Tis not indeed my talent to engage<br>In lofty trifles, or to swell my page<br>With wind and noise. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * Yet still thy fools shall stand in thy defence,<br>And justify their author’s want of sense. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * Thy name, to Phoebus and the muses known,<br>Shall in the front of ev’ry page be shown. ** "Authorship", p. 56 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Every scribbling man<br>Grows a fop as fast as e’er he can,<br>Prunes up, and asks his oracle the glass<br>If pink or purple best become his face? ** "Authorship", p. 56 * When bounteous Autumn rears his head,<br>He joys to pull the ripen’d pear. ** "Autumn", p. 59 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Autumnal heat declines,<br>Ere heat is quite decay’d, or cold begun. ** "Autumn", p. 59 * Autumn succeeds, a sober, tepid age,<br>Nor froze with fear, nor boiling into rage;<br>Last, Winter creeps along with tardy pace,<br>Sour is his front, and furrow’d is his face. ** "Autumn", p. 59 * Up, up, says Avarice! thou snor’st again,<br>Stretchest thy limbs, and yawn’st, but all in vain:<br>The tyrant Lucre no denial takes;<br>At his command th’ unwilling sluggard wakes. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * Her soul abhorring avarice,<br>Bounteous; but almost bounteous to a vice. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * But more have been by avarice opprest,<br>And heaps of money crowded in the chest. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * Young men to imitate all ills are prone,<br>But are compell'd to avarice alone;<br>For then in virtue's shape they follow vice. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * Nor love his peace of mind destroys,<br>Nor wicked avarice of wealth. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * Go, miser! go: for lucre sell thy soul;<br>Truck wares for wares, and trudge from pole to pole,<br>That men may say, when thou art dead and gone,<br>See what a vast estate he left his son! ** "Avarice", p. 59 * For he who covets gain in such excess<br>Does by dumb signs himself as much express<br>As if in words at length he show’d his mind. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * The base wretch who hoards up all he can<br>Is praised and call’d a careful thrifty man. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * For should you to extortion be inclined,<br>Your cruel guilt will little booty find. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Like a miser ’midst his store,<br>Who grasps and grasps till he can hold no more. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * As thy strutting bags with money rise,<br>The love of gain is of an equal size. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * From hence the greatest part of ills descend,<br>When lust of getting more will have no end. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * But the base miser starves amidst his store,<br>Broods o’er his gold, and, griping still at more,<br>Sits sadly pining, and believes he’s poor. ** "Avarice", p. 59 * Our swords so wholly did the fates employ,<br>That they, at length, grew weary to destroy;<br>Refused the work we brought, and out of breath,<br>Made sorrow and despair attend for death. ** "Battle", p. 61 * I fought and fell like one, but death deceived me:<br>I wanted weight of feeble Moors upon me,<br>To crush my soul out. ** "Battle", p. 61 * Here Pallas urges on, and Lausus there;<br>Their congress in the field great Jove withstands:<br>Both doom’d to fall, but fall by greater hands. ** "Battle", p. 61 * Why asks he what avails him not in fight,<br>And would but cumber and retard his flight,<br>In which his only excellence is placed?<br>You give him death that interrupt his haste. ** "Battle", p. 61 * &nbsp;&nbsp; They follow their undaunted king;<br>Crowd through their gates; and, in the fields of light,<br>The shocking squadrons meet in mortal fight. ** "Battle", p. 61 * Two battles your auspicious cause has won;<br>Thy sword can perfect what it has begun. ** "Battle", p. 61 * A cloud of smoke envelops either host,<br>And all at once the combatants are lost:<br>Darkling they join adverse, and shock unseen,<br>Coursers with coursers justing, mén with men. ** "Battle", p. 61 * Amidst whole heaps of spices lights a ball,<br>And now their odours arm’d against them fly:<br>Some preciously by shatter’d porcelain fall,<br>And some by aromatic splinters die. ** "Battle", p. 61 * Their standard, planted on the battlement,<br>Despair and death among the soldiers sent. ** "Battle", p. 61 * &nbsp;&nbsp; He to the town return’d,<br>Attended by the chiefs who fought the field,<br>Now friendly mix’d, and in one troop compell’d. ** "Battle", p. 61 * Thus fights Ulysses, thus his fame extends;<br>A formidable man, but to his friends. ** "Battle", p. 61 * The Grecians rally, and their powers unite;<br>With fury charge us, and renew the fight. ** "Battle", p. 61 * Would you the advantage of the fight delay<br>If, striking first, you were to win the day? ** "Battle", p. 61 * He with his sword unsheathed, on pain of life,<br>Commands both combatants to cease their strife. ** "Battle", p. 61 {{Disputed end}} == Quotes about Dryden == [[File:GerardManleyHopkins.jpg|thumb|What is there in Dryden? Much, but above all this: he is the most masculine of our poets; his style and his rhythms lay the strongest stress of all our literature on the naked thew and sinew of the English language. ~ [[Gerard Manley Hopkins]]]] [[File:Samuel Johnson by Joshua Reynolds.jpg|thumb|Dryden may be properly considered as the father of English criticism, as the writer who first taught us to determine upon principles the merit of composition. ~ [[Samuel Johnson]]]] [[File:Alexander Pope by Michael Dahl.jpg|thumb|Dryden taught to join / The varying verse, the full resounding line, / The long majestic march, and energy divine. ~ [[Alexander Pope]]]] * He had made the language his study; and though he wrote hastily, and often incorrectly, and his style is not free from faults, yet there is a richness in his diction, a copiousness, ease, and variety in his expression, which has not been surpassed by any who have come after him. ** [[Hugh Blair]], ''Lectures on Rhetoric and Belles Lettres'', Vol. I (1783), Lecture XVIII, p. 378. * Here let me bend, great Dryden, at thy shrine,<br />Thou dearest name to all the [[Muses|tuneful nine]].<br />What if some dull lines in cold order creep,<br />And with his theme the poet seems to sleep?<br />Still, when his subject rises proud to view,<br />With equal strength the poet rises too:<br />With strong invention, noblest vigour fraught,<br />Thought still springs up and rises out of thought;<br />Numbers ennobling numbers in their course,<br />In varied sweetness flow, in varied force;<br />The powers of genius and of judgment join,<br />And the whole Art of Poetry is thine. ** [[Charles Churchill]], ''The Apology'' (1761), lines 376–387 * What is there in Dryden? Much, but above all this: he is the most masculine of our poets; his style and his rhythms lay the strongest stress of all our literature on the naked thew and sinew of the English language. ** [[Gerard Manley Hopkins]], letter to Robert Bridges (6 November 1887) * Dryden may be properly considered as '''the father of English criticism''', as the writer who first taught us to determine upon principles the merit of composition. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Lives of the English Poets'' (1781), "[https://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Texts/dryden.html The Life of Dryden]". * None of his prefaces were ever thought tedious. They have not the formality of a settled style, in which the first half of the sentence betrays the other. The clauses are never balanced, nor the periods modelled; every word seems to drop by chance, though it falls into its proper place. Nothing is cold or languid; the whole is airy, animated, and vigorous: what is little is gay; what is great is splendid. [...] Though all is easy, nothing is feeble; though all seems careless, there is nothing harsh; and though since his earlier works more than a century has passed they have nothing yet uncouth or obsolete. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Lives of the English Poets'' (1781), "The Life of Dryden". * Of Dryden's works it was said by [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], that he "could select from them better specimens of every mode of poetry than any other English writer could supply." Perhaps no nation ever produced a writer that enriched his language with such variety of models. To him we owe the improvement, perhaps the completion, of our metre, the refinement of our language, and much of the correctness of our sentiments. By him we are taught "sapere et fari," to think naturally and express forcibly. [...] it may be, perhaps, maintained that he was the first who joined argument with poetry. He showed us the true bounds of a translator's liberty. What was said of Rome, adorned by [[Augustus]], may be applied by an easy metaphor to English poetry, embellished by Dryden, "lateritiam invenit, marmoream reliquit." He found it brick, and he left it marble. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Lives of the English Poets'' (1781), "The Life of Dryden". * The rectitude of Dryden's mind was sufficiently shown by the dismission of his poetical prejudices, and the rejection of unnatural thoughts and rugged numbers. But Dryden never desired to apply all the judgment that he had. He wrote, and professed to write, merely for the people; and when he pleased others, he contented himself. He spent no time in struggles to rouse latent powers; he never attempted to make that better which was already good, nor often to mend what he must have known to be faulty. He wrote, as he tells us, with very little consideration; when occasion or necessity called upon him, he poured out what the present moment happened to supply, and, when once it had passed the press, ejected it from his mind; for, when he had no pecuniary interest, he had no further solicitude. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Lives of the English Poets'' (1781), "The Life of Pope". * Dryden's performances were always hasty, either excited by some external occasion, or extorted by domestic necessity; he composed without consideration, and published without correction. What his mind could supply at call, or gather in one excursion, was all that he sought, and all that he gave. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], ''Lives of the English Poets'' (1781), "The Life of Pope". * &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;Dryden taught to join<br>The varying verse, the full resounding line,<br>The long majestic march, and energy divine. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''The First Epistle of the First Book of Horace Imitated'' (1737), p. 16. * Even copious Dryden wanted, or forgot,<br />The last and greatest art, the art to blot. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''The First Epistle of the First Book of Horace Imitated'' (1737), p. 16. * I learned versification chiefly from Dryden's works, who has improved it much beyond any of our former poets, and would probably have brought it to its perfection, had not he been unhappily obliged to write so often in haste. ** [[Alexander Pope]], as quoted in ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820) by [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]], p. 52. * Dryden has neither a tender heart nor a lofty sense of moral dignity: where his language is poetically impassioned it is mostly upon unpleasing subjects; such as the follies, vice, and crimes of classes of men or of individuals. ** [[William Wordsworth]], letter to [[Walter Scott]] (7 November 1805). ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{commonscat-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:John Dryden}} * [http://www.luminarium.org/eightlit/dryden/drydenbib.htm The Works of John Dryden] (weblinks) * [http://www.gutenberg.org/browse/authors/d#a807 Dryden at Project Gutenberg] * [http://www2.hn.psu.edu/Faculty/KKemmerer/poets/dryden/ The Penn State Archive of Samuel Johnson's ''Lives of the Poets''] {{DEFAULTSORT:Dryden, John}} [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Poets laureate]] [[Category:Playwrights from England]] [[Category:Essayists from England]] [[Category:Literary critics]] [[Category:Catholics from England]] [[Category:1631 births]] [[Category:1700 deaths]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 2na9jl22rv3rbs7kl62r8sqxzkmefdc 0 697 3944684 3874127 2026-05-24T01:02:49Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944684 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:William bryant.jpg|thumb|Weep not that the world changes—did it keep<br>A stable, changeless state, 'twere cause indeed to weep.]] '''[[w:William Cullen Bryant|William Cullen Bryant]]''' ([[November 3]], [[1794]] – [[June 12]], [[1878]]) was an American [[w:Romanticism|Romantic]] poet and journalist. == Quotes == * '''All things that are on [[earth]] shall wholly pass away,<br>Except the [[love]] of [[God]], which shall [[live]] and last for aye.''' ** as quoted in ''[http://books.google.com.mx/books?id=Ep4tAAAAMAAJ&printsec=frontcover&vq=%22The+love+of+God%22#v=onepage&q=%22The%20love%20of%20God%22&f=false Poems]'', from the Provensal Of Bernard Rascas * There is a day of sunny rest<br>For every dark and troubled night;<br>And a grief may bid, and evening guest,<br>Bot joy shall come with early light ** ''Blessed are they that mourn'' * Vainly the fowler's eye<br>Might mark thy distant flight to do thee wrong,<br>As, darkly painted on the crimson sky,<br>Thy figure floats along. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page20 To a Waterfowl]'', st. 2 (1815) * He who, from zone to zone,<br>Guides through the boundless sky thy certain flight,<br>In the long way that I must tread alone,<br>Will lead my steps aright. ** ''[http://www.bartleby.com/102/17.html To a Waterfowl]'', st. 8 (1818) * Thine eyes are springs in whose serene<br>And silent waters heaven is seen;<br>Their lashes are the herbs that look<br>On their young figures in the brook. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page91 Oh Fairest of the Rural Maids]'' (1820) * Here the free spirit of mankind, at length,<br>Throws its last fetters off; and who shall place<br>A limit to the giant's unchained strength,<br>Or curb his swiftness in the forward race! ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page1 The Ages]'', st. XXXIII (1821) * Oh, sun! that o'er the western mountains now<br>Goest down in glory! ever beautiful<br>And blessed is thy radiance, whether thou<br>Colourest the eastern heaven and night-mist cool,<br>Till the bright day-star vanish, or on high<br>Climbest and streamest thy white splendours from mid-sky. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page33 A Walk At Sunset]'', st. 2 (1821) * The little wind-flower, whose just opened eye<br>Is blue as the spring heaven it gazes at. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page24 A Winter Piece]'', st. 3 (1821) * The groves were God's first temples. ** ''[http://www.bartleby.com/248/83.html A Forest Hymn]'' (1824) * Ah, why<br>Should we, in the world's riper years, neglect<br>God's ancient sanctuaries, and adore<br>Only among the crowd and under roofs<br>That our frail hands have raised? ** ''A Forest Hymn'' * They talk of short-lived pleasures—be it so—<br>pain dies as quickly: stern, hard-featured pain<br>Expires, and lets her weary prisoner go.<br>The fiercest agonies have shortest reign;<br>And after dreams of horror, comes again<br>The welcome morning with its rays of peace. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page73 Mutation. A Sonnet]'' (1824) * Remorse is virtue's root; its fair increase<br>Are fruits of innocence and blessedness. ** ''Mutation. A Sonnet'' * '''Weep not that the world changes—did it keep<br>A stable, changeless state, 'twere cause indeed to weep.''' ** ''Mutation. A Sonnet'' * And the blue gentian flower, that, in the breeze,<br>Nods lonely, of her beauteous race the last. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page74 November. A Sonnet]'' (1824) * Loveliest of lovely things are they,<br>On earth, that soonest pass away.<br>The rose that lives its little hour<br>Is prized beyond the sculptured flower. ** ''[http://www.4literature.net/William_Cullen_Bryant/Scene_on_the_Banks_of_the_Hudson/ A Scene on the Banks of the Hudson]'', st. 3 (1828) * Thou unrelenting Past!<br>Strong are the barriers round thy dark domain,<br>And fetters, sure and fast,<br>Hold all that enter thy unbreathing reign. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page143 The Past]'', st. 1 (1828) * The melancholy days are come, the saddest of the year, <br>Of wailing winds, and naked woods, and meadows brown and sere. ** ''[http://www.bartleby.com/248/85.html Death of the Flowers]'' (1832), st. 1 *The south wind searches for the flowers whose fragrance late he bore,<br>And sighs to find them in the wood and by the stream no more. ** ''[http://www.bartleby.com/248/85.html Death of the Flowers]'' (1832), st. 4, lines 23-24 * Maidens hearts are always soft:<br>Would that men's were truer! ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page62 Song: Dost Thou Idly Ask To Hear]'', st. 1 (1832) * These are the gardens of the Desert, these<br>The unshorn fields, boundless and beautiful,<br>For which the speech of England has no name—<br>The Prairies. ** ''[http://www.vcu.edu/engweb/webtexts/Bryant/prairies.html The Prairies]'', l. 1 (1833) * The summer morn is bright and fresh, the birds are darting by,<br>As if they loved to breast the breeze that sweeps the cool clear sky. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page211 The Strange Lady]'', st. 6 (1835) * Heed not the night; a summer lodge amid the wild is mine -<br>'Tis shadowed by the tulip-tree, 'tis mantled by the vine. ** ''The Strange Lady'', st. 6 * When April winds<br>Grew soft, the maple burst into a flush<br>Of scarlet flowers. The tulip tree, high up,<br>Opened in airs of June her multitude<br>Of golden chalices to humming-birds<br>And silken-wing'd insects of the sky. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page227 The Fountain]'', st. 3 (1839) *The victory of endurance born. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page222 The Battlefield]'' (1839), st. 8 * '''Truth, crushed to earth, shall rise again;<br>The eternal years of God are hers;<br>But Error, wounded, writhes with pain,<br>And dies among his worshippers.''' ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page222 The Battlefield]'' (1839), st. 9 * '''I would make<br /> [[Reason]] my guide, but she should sometimes sit <br />[[Patiently]] by the way-side, while I traced <br />The mazes of the pleasant [[wilderness]] <br />Around me.''' She should be my counsellor, <br /> But not my tyrant. '''For the [[spirit]] [[needs]] <br />Impulses from a deeper source than hers, <br />And there are motions, in the [[mind]] of [[man]], <br /> That she must look upon with awe.''' I bow <br /> Reverently to her dictates, but not less <br /> Hold to the fair illusions of old time — <br /> lllusions that shed brightness over life, <br />And [[glory]] over [[nature]]. ** "The Conjunction of Jupiter and Venus" in ''Poems'' (1841) * These struggling tides of life that seem<br>In wayward, aimless course to tend,<br>Are eddies of the mighty stream<br>That rolls to its appointed end. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page253 The Crowded Street]'', st. 10 (1864) * And suns grow meek, and the meek suns grow brief,<br>And the year smiles as it draws near its death. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page115 October. A Sonnet]'' (1866) * Glorious are the woods in their latest gold and crimson,<br>Yet our full-leaved willows are in the freshest green.<br>Such a kindly autumn, so mercifully dealing<br>With the growths of summer, I never yet have seen. ** ''The Third of November, 1861''. ''Thirty Poems''. Appleton, New York. pp. 112-115. (1864) * The rugged trees are mingling<br>Their flowery sprays in love;<br>The ivy climbs the laurel<br>To clasp the boughs above. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page189 The Serenade]'', St. 14 * Wild was the day; the wintry sea<br>Moaned sadly on New England's strand,<br>When first the thoughtful and the free,<br>Our fathers, trod the desert land. ** ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/16341/16341-h/16341-h.htm#page154 The Twenty-Second of December]'', st. 1 * The right to discuss freely and openly, by speech, by the pen, by the press, all political questions, and to examine and [[wiktionary:animadvert|animadvert]] upon all political institutions, is a right so clear and certain, so interwoven with our other liberties, so necessary, in fact to their existence, that without it we must fall at once into depression or anarchy. '''To say that he who holds unpopular opinions must hold them at the peril of his life, and that, if he expresses them in public, he has only himself to blame if they who disagree with him should rise and put him to death, is to strike at all rights, all liberties, all protection of the laws, and to justify and extenuate all crimes.''' ** Editorial written in remembrance of [[wikipedia:Elijah Parish Lovejoy|Elijah Parish Lovejoy]], Presbyterian minister, journalist, newspaper editor and abolitionist, who was murdered by a pro-slavery mob in Alton, Illinois during their attack on his warehouse to destroy his press and abolitionist materials. ** {{cite book |title=Power For Sanity: Selected Editorials of William Cullen Bryant, 1829–61 |chapter=The Death of Lovejoy; November 18, 1837 |last=Bryant |first=William Cullen |authorlink=William Cullen Bryant |editor=William Cullen Bryant II |year=1994 |publisher=Fordham University Press |isbn=0-8232-1543-1 |page=78 |accessdate=2012-10-15 |url=http://books.google.fi/books?id=BxtzuLA0RrQC&pg=PA78 }} === ''[[w:Thanatopsis|Thanatopsis]]'' (1817–1821) === * To him who in the love of Nature holds<br>Communion with her visible forms, she speaks<br>A various language. ** l. 1 * Go forth under the open sky, and list<br>To Nature's teachings. ** l. 14 * The hills,<br>Rock-ribbed, and ancient as the sun. ** l. 37 * Old ocean's gray and melancholy waste. ** l. 43 * All that tread,<br>The globe are but a handful to the tribes<br>That slumber in its bosom. ** l. 48 * So live, that when thy summons comes to join<br>The innumerable caravan which moves<br>To that mysterious realm, where each shall take<br>His chamber in the silent halls of death,<br>Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night,<br>Scourged to his dungeon, but, sustained and soothed<br>By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave<br>Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch<br>About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams. ** l. 73. Note: The edition of 1821 read, "The innumerable caravan that moves / To the pale realms of shade, where each shall take". == About William Cullen Bryant == * There is something in this universe which justifies William Cullen Bryant in saying ''Truth crushed to earth will rise again''. ** [[Martin Luther King Jr.]], 3 Dec. 1956, as quoted in ''The Papers of Martin Luther King, Jr: Advocate of the social gospel'', p. 162 * [Thanatopsis] was written in 1817, when Bryant was 23. Had he died then, the world would have thought it had lost a great poet. But he lived on. ** [[Bergen Evans]], in his ''Dictionary of Quotations'' == Attributed == *The stormy March has come at last,<br> With winds and clouds and changing skies;<br>I hear the rushing of the blast<br> That through the snowy valley flies. **''March''. Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) *But ’neath yon crimson tree<br>Lover to listening maid might breathe his flame,<br>Nor mark, within its roseate canopy,<br> Her blush of maiden shame. **''Autumn Woods''. Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{commonscat-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:William Cullen Bryant}} * {{gutenberg author | id=William_Cullen_Bryant | name=William Cullen Bryant}} * [http://www.4literature.net/William_Cullen_Bryant/ William Cullen Bryant on 4literature.net] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bryan, William Cullen}} [[Category:Romantic poets]] [[Category:Journalists from Massachusetts]] [[Category:1794 births]] [[Category:1878 deaths]] [[Category:Poets from Massachusetts]] [[Category:New York Free Soilers]] [[Category:19th-century poets from the United States]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] j0cjp0l6cxp5nzzijzgehvtc2qf1e5l 0 895 3944566 3941608 2026-05-23T18:50:40Z EMRA0527 3301906 /* CATS Endings (16-bit Sega console version, Japanese exclusive) */ Fleshed out and improved the better English translations of CATS endings 14 and 26 3944566 wikitext text/x-wiki {{game-cleanup|2018-10-04}} {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Zero Wing|Zero Wing]]''''' is an [[w:arcade game|arcade game]] from [[w:Toaplan|Toaplan]], noted for poorly translated subtitles that spawned [[w:All your base are belong to us|an internet meme]]. ==Introduction (16-bit Sega console version)== This is a full transcript of the introduction sequence, exclusive to the [[w:Sega_Genesis|Sega Genesis/Mega Drive]] console port. Original Japanese text and a more accurate translation are provided for reference. The game's introduction sequence is the source of the widespread [[w:Internet meme|Internet phenomenon]] ''"[[w:All your base are belong to us|All your base are belong to us]]"''. The bluntness of the famous mistranslation is in stark contrast to CATS' cool, caustic irony in the original text. The difference is especially vivid in the line corresponding to "All your base are belong to us". In the original line, CATS uses a form of Japanese grammar that is rude to the Captain but respectful towards the Federation army, insinuating that the Federation was treacherously co-opted into betraying the bases. {| class="wikitable" |- ! Original Japanese script ([[w:Hepburn romanization|Hepburn romanization]]) !! [[w:Engrish|Engrish]] translation !! More accurate English translation<ref name=direct>The direct translation from the original Japanese game text has been created by Wikipedia and Wikiquote editors with the help of native speakers. The intent of the Japanese registers is reflected as well in the accurate English translation.</ref> |- | 西暦2101年 (Seireki nisen-hyakuichi-nen) || In A.D. 2101 || In 2101 A.D., |- | 戦いは始まった。(Tatakai wa hajimatta.) || War was beginning. || The war has begun. |- | 艦長：一体どうしたと言んだ {{sic}}<ref name=typo>The Japanese line is missing a う. The line is supposed to read 一体どうしたと言うんだ.</ref>？ (Kanchō: Ittai dōshita to iunda?) || Captain: What happen''?'' || Captain: How did this happen? |- | 機関士：何者かによって、爆発物が仕掛けられたようです。(Kikanshi: Nanimono ka niyotte, bakuhatsu-butsu ga shikakerareta yō desu.) || Mechanic: Somebody set up us the bomb. || Engineer: Reports indicate<ref name=tr1>The original Japanese line uses the ようです construct. In Japanese, people never express anything that is not their own direct observation as such. This even includes military protocol. Translating ようです as "it seems that" or "it appears that" may be technically accurate, but in the context of military protocol, it makes the speakers come off as unsure or wishy washy. In Western military contexts, military members never say things like "it seems that the enemy is closing in". It is "scans show that the enemy is closing in." The equivalent English translation used that follows the intent of the Japanese line and fits Western military contexts is "reports indicate" to convey that the Mechanic/Engineer is delivering a situation report synthesized from second-hand information.</ref> someone planted explosives aboard. |- | 通信士：艦長！通信が入りました！ (Tsūshinshi: Kanchō! Tsūshin ga hairimashita!) || Operator: We get signal. || Communications operator: Captain! Incoming transmission!<ref name=tr2>The Japanese line literally translates to "Captain! A communication [signal] arrived!" For the more accurate English translation, the standard military situation report of "incoming transmission" is used.</ref> |- | 艦長：なにっ？(Kanchō: Nani?) || Captain: What ''!'' || Captain: What?! |- | 通信士：メインスクリーンにビジョンが来ます。<ref name=jp1>The Japanese line's use of メインスクリーン (main screen) and ビジョン (vision) is an example of ''wasei-eigo'', commonly used in Japanese sci-fi writing to make technology seem futuristic and somewhat foreign to the Japanese audience.</ref>(Tsūshinshi: Meinsukurīn ni bijon ga kimasu.) || Operator: Main screen turn on. || Communications operator: Visual confirmed on the main screen.<ref name=tr3>The literal English translation of the Japanese line is "A visual is coming to the main screen." The more accurate English translation takes the polite form of the Japanese line and renders it as a military protocol situation report, delivered clipped and with brevity.</ref> |- | 艦長：お-お前は！！(Kanchō: O-omae wa!!) || Captain: It's you ''!!'' || Captain: Y-you!! |- | CATS：おいそがしそうだね、諸君。 (CATS: Oisogashi sō da ne, shokun.) || CATS: How are you gentlemen ''!!'' || CATS: You seem busy, gentlemen.<ref name=tr4>The word 諸君 (''shokun'') translates to "gentlemen," "boys," or "my friends," but it is specifically used by someone in a position of authority addressing a group of subordinates (like a commander speaking to his troops, or a politician speaking to a crowd). CATS' use of お in front of いそがしそう ("seem busy") makes the line polite.</ref> |- | CATS：連邦政府軍のご協力により、'''君達の基地は、全てCATSがいただいた。''' (CATS: Renpō-seifu-gun no go-kyōryoku niyori, '''kimitachi no kichi wa, subete CATS ga itadaita.''') || CATS: '''[[:w:All your base are belong to us|All your base are belong to us]]'''. || CATS: With the gracious support of the Federation Government forces, '''CATS has humbly received all of your bases'''<ref name=tr5>CATS' use of ご in front of 協力 elevates the support that the Federation gave him. This is reflected in the more accurate English translation as "gracious support." Conversely, his use of 君達 (''kimitachi'', "you all" / "you lot") to address the Captain is condescending and patronizing. いただくis ''kenjougo'' AKA humble language. It is the humble verb form of "to receive," so it is reflected in the English translation as "humbly received all your bases." </ref>. |- | CATS：君達の艦も、そろそろ終わりだろう。 (CATS: Kimitachi no kan mo, sorosoro owari darō.) || CATS: You are on the way to destruction. || CATS: And soon, I suppose your puny vessel will meet its end as well.<ref name=tr6>CATS' Japanese line uses 君達の艦, which literally translates to "your vessel." But 君達 (''kimitachi'', "you all"/"you lot") carries an air of condescension, often used by superiors to address subordinates. It carries an inherent lack of respect when used in a hostile context. The more accurate English translation conveys this intent by using a condescending adjective to become "your puny vessel."</ref> |- | 艦長：ば-ばかなっ・・・！ (Kanchō: Ba-baka nā...!) || Captain: What you say ''!!'' || Captain: I-Impossible...! |- | CATS：君達のご協力には感謝する。せいぜい残り少ない命を、大切にしたまえ・・・・ (CATS: Kimitachi no go-kyōryoku ni wa kansha suru. Seizei nokorisukunai inochi o, taisetsu ni shitamae...) || CATS: You have no chance to survive make your time. || CATS: Your graciously adequate support is most appreciated. Do try to savor what little precious time you have left.<ref name=tr7>CATS' use of 君達のご協力 is mixed register, putting down the Captain and elevating the Federation's treachery, so this is translated as "your graciously adequate support." Translating it literally to "your support" strips the intended register and sneer that CATS is communicating.</ref> |- | CATS：ハッハッハッハッハッ ・・・ (CATS: Hahhahhahhahha...) || CATS: Ha ha ha ha&nbsp;.... || CATS: Ha ha ha ha ha... |- | 通信士：艦長・・・・ (Tsūshinshi: Kanchō...) || Operator: Captain ''!!'' || Communications operator: Captain... |- | 艦長：ZIG全機に発進命令！！ (Kanchō: ZIG zenki ni hasshin-meirei!!) || Captain: Take off every 'ZIG'''!!'' || Captain: Issue an immediate launch order for all ZIG units!! |- | 艦長：もう彼らに託すしかない・・・ (Kanchō: Mō karera ni takusu shika nai...) || Captain: You know what you doing. || Captain: We are out of options. It is up to them now...<ref name=tr8>Literal translation: "There is nothing left to do but entrust it to them [the ZIG fighters]."</ref> |- | 艦長：たのむぞ。ZIG！！ (Kanchō: Tanomu zo. ZIG!!) || Captain: Move 'ZIG'. || Captain: We're counting on you, ZIG fighters!! |- | 艦長：我々の未来に希望を・・・<ref name=jp3>The Japanese line is a purposeful sentence fragment. Ending with を implies that 我々の未来に希望 will take the action of whatever verb comes after. With ''Zero Wing'' being a video game, by omitting the verb, the Japanese script is indirectly calling upon the ''player'' to supply the action.</ref> (Kanchō: Wareware no mirai ni kibō o...) || Captain: For great justice. || Captain: For the hope in our future... |} ==Introduction (Steam/GOG remake)== The remake version's translation was made more accurate with the exception of CATS's lines, save for different punctuation. This was a deliberate choice referenced by the ship's screens reading "TRANSLATION ERROR". {| class="wikitable" |- ! Original Japanese script ([[w:Hepburn romanization|Hepburn romanization]]) !! [[w:Engrish|Engrish]]/[[W:English language|English]] translation !! More accurate English translation<ref name=direct>The direct translation from the original Japanese game text has been created by Wikipedia and Wikiquote editors with the help of native speakers. The intent of the Japanese registers is reflected as well in the accurate English translation.</ref> |- | 西暦2101年 (Seireki nisen-hyakuichi-nen) || In A.D. 2101 || In 2101 A.D., |- | 戦いは始まった。(Tatakai wa hajimatta.) || War was beginning. || The war has begun. |- | 艦長：一体どうしたと言んだ {{sic}}<ref name=typo>The Japanese line is missing a う. The line is supposed to read 一体どうしたと言うんだ.</ref>？ (Kanchō: Ittai dōshita to iunda?) || Captain: What happened?<ref name="whathappen">The remake pauses the dialogue at "What happen" until the ship begins to shake and adds "-ed?" afterwards</ref> || Captain: How did this happen? |- | 機関士：何者かによって、爆発物が仕掛けられたようです。(Kikanshi: Nanimono ka niyotte, bakuhatsu-butsu ga shikakerareta yō desu.) || Mechanic: Someone set up bombs all over the ship. || Engineer: Reports indicate<ref name=tr1>The original Japanese line uses the ようです construct. In Japanese, people never express anything that's not their own direct observation as such. This even includes military protocol. Translating ようです as "it seems that" or "it appears that" may be technically accurate, but in the context of military protocol, it makes the speakers come off as unsure or wishy washy. In Western military contexts, military members never say things like "it seems that the enemy is closing in". It is "scans show that the enemy is closing in." The equivalent English translation used that follows the intent of the Japanese line and fits Western military contexts is "reports indicate" to convey that the Mechanic/Engineer is delivering a situation report synthesized from second-hand information.</ref> someone planted explosives aboard. |- | 通信士：艦長！通信が入りました！ (Tsūshinshi: Kanchō! Tsūshin ga hairimashita!) || Operator: We are getting a signal! || Communications operator: Captain! Incoming transmission!<ref name=tr2>The Japanese line literally translates to "Captain! A communication [signal] arrived!" For the more accurate English translation, the standard military situation report of "incoming transmission" is used.</ref> |- | 艦長：なにっ？(Kanchō: Nani?) || Captain: On screen!! || Captain: What?! |- | 通信士：メインスクリーンにビジョンが来ます。<ref name=jp1>The Japanese line's use of メインスクリーン (main screen) and ビジョン (vision) is an example of ''wasei-eigo'', commonly used in Japanese sci-fi writing to make technology seem futuristic and somewhat foreign to the Japanese audience.</ref>(Tsūshinshi: Meinsukurīn ni bijon ga kimasu.) || Operator: Main screen turned on. || Communications operator: Visual confirmed on the main screen.<ref name=tr3>The literal English translation of the Japanese line is "A visual is coming to the main screen." The more accurate English translation takes the polite form of the Japanese line and renders it as a military protocol situation report, delivered clipped and with brevity.</ref> |- | 艦長：お-お前は！！(Kanchō: O-omae wa!!) || Captain: It is you !! || Captain: Y-you!! |- | CATS：おいそがしそうだね、諸君。 (CATS: Oisogashi sō da ne, shokun.) || CATS: How are you gentlemen !? || CATS: You seem busy, gentlemen.<ref name=tr4>The word 諸君 (''shokun'') translates to "gentlemen," "boys," or "my friends," but it is specifically used by someone in a position of authority addressing a group of subordinates (like a commander speaking to his troops, or a politician speaking to a crowd). CATS' use of お in front of いそがしそう ("seem busy") makes the line polite.</ref> |- | CATS：連邦政府軍のご協力により、'''君達の基地は、全てCATSがいただいた。''' (CATS: Renpō-seifu-gun no go-kyōryoku niyori, '''kimitachi no kichi wa, subete CATS ga itadaita.''') || CATS: '''[[:w:All your base are belong to us|All your base are belong to us]]'''!! || CATS: With the gracious support of the Federation Government forces, '''CATS has humbly received all of your bases'''<ref name=tr5>CATS' use of ご in front of 協力 elevates the support that the Federation gave him. This is reflected in the more accurate English translation as "gracious support." Conversely, his use of 君達 (''kimitachi'', "you all" / "you lot") to address the Captain is condescending and patronizing. いただくis ''kenjougo'' AKA humble language. It is the humble verb form of "to receive," so it is reflected in the English translation as "humbly received all your bases." </ref>. |- | CATS：君達の艦も、そろそろ終わりだろう。 (CATS: Kimitachi no kan mo, sorosoro owari darō.) || CATS: You are on the way to destruction. || CATS: And soon, I suppose your puny vessel will meet its end as well.<ref name=tr6>CATS' Japanese line uses 君達の艦, which literally translates to "your vessel." But 君達 (''kimitachi'', "you all"/"you lot") carries an air of condescension, often used by superiors to address subordinates. It carries an inherent lack of respect when used in a hostile context. The more accurate English translation conveys this intent by using a condescending adjective to become "your puny vessel."</ref> |- | 艦長：ば-ばかなっ・・・！ (Kanchō: Ba-baka nā...!) || Captain: What are you saying?? || Captain: I-Impossible...! |- | CATS：君達のご協力には感謝する。せいぜい残り少ない命を、大切にしたまえ・・・・ (CATS: Kimitachi no go-kyōryoku ni wa kansha suru. Seizei nokorisukunai inochi o, taisetsu ni shitamae...) || CATS: Thank you for your cooperation.<ref name=remake>This line was not present in the original English translation of the game.</ref> You have no chance to survive, make your time. || CATS: Your graciously adequate support is most appreciated. Do try to savor what little precious time you have left.<ref name=tr7>CATS' use of 君達のご協力 is mixed register, putting down the Captain and elevating the Federation's treachery, so this is translated as "your graciously adequate support." Translating it literally to "your support" strips the intended register and sneer that CATS is communicating.</ref> |- | CATS：ハッハッハッハッハッ ・・・ (CATS: Hahhahhahhahha...) || CATS: Ha ha ha ha&nbsp;.... || CATS: Ha ha ha ha ha... |- | 通信士：艦長・・・・ (Tsūshinshi: Kanchō...) || Operator: Captain ''!!'' || Communications operator: Captain... |- | 艦長：ZIG全機に発進命令！！ (Kanchō: ZIG zenki ni hasshin-meirei!!) || Captain: Launch every 'ZIG'!! || Captain: Issue an immediate launch order for all ZIG units!! |- | 艦長：もう彼らに託すしかない・・・ (Kanchō: Mō karera ni takusu shika nai...) || Captain: The ZIGs are our only remaining option.. || Captain: We are out of options. It is up to them now...<ref name=tr8>Literal translation: "There is nothing left to do but entrust it to them [the ZIG fighters]."</ref> |- | 艦長：我々の未来に希望を・・・<ref name=jp3>The Japanese line is a purposeful sentence fragment. Ending with を implies that 我々の未来に希望 will take the action of whatever verb comes after. With ''Zero Wing'' being a video game, by omitting the verb, the Japanese script is indirectly calling upon the ''player'' to supply the action.</ref> (Kanchō: Wareware no mirai ni kibō o...) || Captain: May there be hope for our future... || Captain: For the hope in our future... |- | 艦長：たのむぞ。ZIG！！ (Kanchō: Tanomu zo. ZIG!!) || Captain: We are counting on the ZIGs!! For great justice!! || Captain: We're counting on you, ZIG fighters!! |- |} ==Ending (arcade version)== The following ending text is exclusive to the arcade version of the game. The ending text is always in English, even when the machine is set to the Japan region. {| class="wikitable" ! In-game [[w:Engrish|Engrish]] text !! English localization rewrite<ref name=direct/> |- | Congratulation !! | Congratulations! |- | A.D.2111 | As of 2111 A.D., |- | All bases of CATS were<br>destroyed. | CATS has been defeated. |- | It seems to be peaceful. | Peace seems to have been restored, |- | But it is incorrect. | but the war has not ended yet. |- | CATS is still alive.<br>ZIG-01 must fight<br>against CATS again. | CATS still exists. ZIG-01 must continue to fight the war against CATS, |- | And down with them<br>completely! | and they must be completely destroyed. |- | Good luck. | Let us hope for ZIG-01's success. Good luck. |} ==CATS Endings (16-bit Sega console version, Japanese exclusive)== The Japanese version of the Sega Genesis/Mega Drive port of ''Zero Wing'' has 35 endings<ref name=endingsj>[https://legendsoflocalization.com/comparisons/zero-wing/endings "Zero Wing Translation Comparison: All Endings"], Mandelin, Clyde; ''Legends of Localization''; 4 November 2016; Retrieved 31 March 2026.</ref>. From the fourth ending on, CATS talks to the player after they finish a loop of the game. {| class="wikitable" ! Original Japanese script (Hepburn romanization) !! Simple English translation<ref name=endingsj/> !! More accurate English translation<ref name=direct/> |- | お前は連邦政府軍の者ではないな！ いったいお前は何者だ！ お前もＣＡＴＳに入らないか。<ref>CATS' tone and register here shifts from the polite tone in the introduction to a generic tough guy ''yakuwarigo'' (role language), shown by his use of the second-person pronoun お前 (omae). ''Yakuwarigo'' is a linguistics concept that, when used in Japanese media, lets the audience instantly tell a character's age, gender, social status, and personality entirely by the pronouns and sentence-ending particles they use, without them ever having to explicitly state who they are.</ref>(Omae wa renpō seifugun no mono de wa nai na! Ittai omae wa nanimono da! Omae mo CATS ni hairanai ka.) | You aren’t a member of the Federation government forces! Just who are you?! Want to join CATS? | You're no Federation soldier! Just who the hell are you?! Say... how would you like to fly for CATS? |- | ねえ、もう終りにしてよ。わたし達、いそがしいんだから。もう何もないのよ<ref>CATS has adopted ''Joseigo''. It is the casual, slightly whiny speech patterns associated with young women, exasperated mothers, or annoyed service workers. CATS' pronoun here is わたし (spelled out in hiragana) to communicate his change in register. The ending "〜んだから" (n da kara) translates to "because [reason], so [implied: act accordingly]." It is the universal tone of someone making an excuse. "Look, we're busy, so... knock it off." He ends with a specifically feminine/soft particle structure: "〜のよ" (no yo). This structure (no + yo) is highly characteristic of female speech in Japanese media. It softens the statement while still insisting on its truth. The more accurate English translation takes the Joseigo into account, making CATS speak like a Valley Girl. This recreates the cognitive dissonance a Japanese player feels when reading a terrifying cyborg say "...no yo" and "...da kara."</ref> (Nē, mō owari ni shite yo. Watashitachi, isogashīn da kara. Mō nani mo nai no yo.) | C’mon, stop already. We’re busy, you know. There’s nothing left to see here. | Um, excuse me, can you like, stop? We are, like, incredibly busy right now. We are totally out of material. |- | わたし達の基地では、ごましおがおいしいのよ！よっていかない。<ref>よっていかない is a casual, friendly invitation. It communicates warmth, hospitality, and a complete lack of urgency</ref> (Watashitachi no kichi de wa, gomashio ga oishī no yo! Yotte ikanai.) | The ''[[w:gomashio|gomashio]]'' at our base is delightful! You should stop by. | You know, back at our bases, the ''gomashio'' is just divine! Won't you come over and try some? |- | わたし達のうんこはごましおなの！ごはんにかけてたまごとまぜて・・・・・・・とてもおいしいの！<ref>うんこ means "poop, crap, feces." But this particular word is slightly childish, somewhat vulgar, but incredibly common. CATS' register change to childish demeanor is reflected by the line's almost exclusive use of hiragana. The more accurate English translation incorporates this intent by making CATS' language childish.</ref> (Watashitachi no unko wa gomashio na no! Gohan ni kakete tamago to mazete.......totemo oishī no!) | ''Gomashio'' is our doo-doo! If you put it on rice and mix it with an egg… it’s super-yummy! | The ''gomaisho'' is our poopie! Throw it on rice and mix an egg in...it's so tasty! |- | もうそろそろねなよ！体にわるいんだから。わたしには終りがないのよ！<ref>もうそろそろねなよ is a maternal way of suggesting that someone should go to bed. The tone and register is effeminate, given by the use of the Joseigo particle combination 〜のよ！ (no yo!), like a nagging mother telling her child to go to sleep already. This is reflected in the more accurate English translation.</ref> (Mō sorosoro ne na yo! Karada ni waruin da kara. Watashi ni wa owari ga nai no yo!) | Come on! Go to sleep already! This is bad for your health. I have no end, just so you know! | It is way past your bedtime, mister! You are absolutely destroying your poor body! As for me, I am trapped in an infinite loop! |- | もうまいりました。君の力をかりたい！わたし達なかよしになりたいね。<ref>CATS' register here is self-infantilization. なかよし (''nakayoshi'') means "good buddies," "chums," or "best friends." It is a word almost exclusively used by, or when speaking to, small children. When a kindergarten teacher tells two toddlers to stop fighting over a toy and make up, she tells them to be ''nakayoshi''. There is even a famous, long-running Japanese magazine for little girls called Nakayoshi (which serialized Sailor Moon and Cardcaptor Sakura).</ref> (Mō mairimashita. Kimi no chikara o karitai! Watashitachi nakayoshi ni naritai ne.) | Okay, okay. You win. I would like to ask for your help! I hope we can be friends. | Okay, okay, I give up. I admit it, I really need your help! Can we just call a truce and be best buddies? |- | わたしのなまえをしってますか。まいねえむはジョンークリメン！君のなまえはなんてえの。<ref>CATS' register is even more childish here. まいねえむ (''mai neemu'') is literally the English "my name" transliterated into Japanese. This is a dialogue style known as ''yōji-go'' (baby talk) or ''burikko'' (feigned, exaggerated cuteness). なんてえの is slurred, highly colloquial contraction of 何というの. The English equivalent to this dialogue style is having a character say "hewwo" or "I wuv you."</ref> (Watashi no namae o shittemasu ka. Mai neemu wa Jon-Kurimen! Kimi no namae wa nantee no.) | Do you know my name? It’s John Crimen! What’s your name? | Do ya know my name? Hewwo, my name is Jooooohn Crimen! Whatcha name? |- | わたしのメイリーンがいないの。一緒にいたかったのに！どこにいるかしってますか。<ref>In Japanese grammar, 〜のに means "even though," "despite," or "but." It connects two contrasting clauses (e.g., "Even though it was raining, I went outside"). However, in conversational Japanese, ending a sentence with a dangling 〜のに is a highly specific linguistic tool used to express deep dissatisfaction, regret, or a feeling of unfairness.</ref>(Watashi no Meirīn ga inai no. Issho ni itakatta noni! Doko ni iru ka shittemasu ka.) | My Maylene is gone. I wanted her to be with me! Do you know where she is? | My Maylene is gone and left me... and we were supposed to be together! Have you seen her anywhere out there? |- | むかし、わたしはかごしまでばななのはんばいをしていました。いまはりんごをうっています。<ref>Similar to the use of まいねえむ earlier, CATS' use of the hiragana ばなな for "banana" (instead of the normal katakana バナナ) communicates that he has taken on a childish register, specifically of a child who is just learning how to spell and how to use basic Japanese grammar taught in grade school. The more accurate English translation reflects this by misspelling/slurring certain words.</ref> (Mukashi, watashi wa Kagoshima de banana no hanbai o shite imashita. Ima wa ringo o utte imasu) | I used to sell bananas in Kagoshima a long time ago. I sell apples now. | Once upon a time, I lived in Kagoshima and I worked very hard selling buhnanas. Right now, I am selling appuls. |- | 戦いは、終わったわけではない。ハッ、ハッ、ハッ、。ビョーン！おしりが、かいーの。かいーの。<ref>CATS begins with a formal villain monologue register. Then the mood whiplash hits. ビョーン (byōn) is the Japanese onomatopoeia for a cartoon spring expanding, a rubber band snapping, or someone comically bouncing. おしりが、かいーの is a reference to a signature gag by Japanese comedian [https://ja.wikipedia.org/wiki/%E9%96%93%E5%AF%9B%E5%B9%B3 Kanpei Hazama].</ref> (Tatakai wa, owatta wake de wa nai. Ha, ha, ha, . Byōn! Oshiri ga, kai-no. Kai-no.) | The battle isn’t necessarily over. Ha ha ha. Bwwoing! Oh, my butt’s itchy! | You are foolish to think this war has ended. Ha, ha, ha... BOIINNNNGGG! Ooh, my butt itches! It itches! |- | ねえったら、もうかえらせてよう。わたし、おはだのまがりかどなんだからん！！<ref>Adding 〜ったら to ねえ (casual attention marker, equivalent to "hey!") changes it entirely. ねえったら implies intense exasperation, roughly translating to "I said..." or "Listen to me when I'm talking!" It communicates petulance. おはだのまがりかど ("the turning point of the skin") is a universally understood marketing idiom in Japanese culture used by the cosmetics and beauty industry. It refers to the specific age (traditionally cited as 25 years old) when a woman's skin supposedly stops producing as much collagen, losing its youthful bounce, elasticity, and glow. だからん with the added ん is another example of ''burikko'', communicating a grown woman acting like a little girl in order to get her way. The more accurate English translation reflects the ''burikko'' by giving CATS effeminate and childish language.</ref> (Nēttara, mō kaerasete yō. Watashi, ohada no magarikado nanda karan!!) | Sheesh. Let me go home already! I’m at the peak of my beauty, after all! | I said stop, let me go home already! You are completely ruining my youthful glow...I need my ten-step skincare routine!! |- | お前のせいで我々ＣＡＴＳは、またがビジョ、ビジョだぞ！どーすんだョ。おい！かに、かに。<ref>また (mata), written in Kanji as 股, refers exclusively to the crotch, groin, or inner thighs. In Japanese, the standard onomatopoeia for something being soaking wet is ビショビショ (Bisho bisho). However, in Japanese slang and comedy, if you want to emphasize that something is incredibly messy, gross, or exaggeratedly ruined, you add a dakuten (the two little voicing marks) to the consonants, turning the soft "sh" sound into a heavy, sloppy "j" sound. So ビショビショ (bisho bisho) becomes ビジョビジョ (bijo bijo). CATS is saying that he peed his pants, and he is soaking dripping wet. He then tries to save his dignity with the tough-sounding どーすんだョ。おい！. The small Katakana 'yo' (ョ) at the end of どーすんだョ represents a voice cracking in Japanese typography. Following that, かに、かに (crab, crab) communicates a physical action. This is the Japanese physical concept of がに股 (ganimata), literally translating to "crab crotch" or "crab thighs." It is the Japanese word for being bow-legged. So CATS is walking away bow-legged because he peed himself so badly that he is soaking wet at the crotch.</ref> (Omae no sei de wareware CATS wa, Mata ga bijo, bijo da zo! Do-sunda yo. Oi! Kani, kani.) | Our CATS organization is sopping wet now, all because of you. You’d BETTER make this up to us! Kani, kani | Look what you did! Because of you, we at CATS...have collectively wet our pants in terror! You'd BETTER [voice cracking] do something about this mess! Hmph! [crab-walks away] |- | ＣＡＴＳから、諸君に命令する。すいすいすーだらだった、すらすらすいすいすいーっと。言ってごらん。<ref>CATS briefly returns to his register from then intro. すいすいすーだらだった、すらすらすいすいすいー are non-sense lyrics from "Sūdara-bushi" (スーダラ節), a 1961 comedy song released by the Japanese entertainer [[w:Hitoshi Ueki|Hitoshi Ueki]].</ref> (CATS kara, shokun ni meirei suru. Sui sui suudara datta, sura sura sui sui suii-tto. Itte goran.) | CATS hereby issues you an order. “Sui-sui-sūdara-datta, sura-sura sui-sui-suī.” Go on, try to say it. | CATS issues a order to you gentlemen. Sui-sui-sūdara-datta, sura-sura sui-sui-suī. Now YOU try to say it. |- | うしとうまが爆発したら、とってもおいしそうだよ。どうしよーかなー・・・・。<ref>とっても (tottemo) is a highly conversational, slightly childish intensifier for "very" or "awfully." どうしようかな means "What should I do?" or "I wonder what I should do." Written out as どうしよーかなー, the vowels are elongated.</ref> (Ushi to uma ga bakuhatsu shitara, tottemo oishisou da yo. oushiyo- ka na-....) | A cow or a horse would look oh-so-delicious if it exploded. Hmm, what to do… | If a cow and a horse just suddenly exploded, I bet they'd look super-duper delish. Whatever shouuuuld I dooooo... |- | おーまいがっ！連邦政府軍に君のような者がいたなんてＣＡＴＳうるうるりんよ！もうたまりませんわっ！<ref>''Burikko'' strikes again. おーまいがっ (O-mai ga-) is literally "Oh my god" transliterated into Japanese. But instead of "がっど" for "god," the ど is omitted, leaving it "Oh my gah!" CATS uses the intro's register again, but devolves to ''burikko.'' うるうる (Uru-uru) is the Japanese mimetic word (onomatopoeia) for watery, tear-filled, shimmering eyes. It is the audio equivalent of the classic anime "puppy dog eyes" trope. りん (rin) is a cutesy, musical suffix. It has no grammatical meaning. It is the Japanese equivalent of adding "-y" or "-a-roo" to the end of a word to make it sound bubbly. Together, うるうるりん can be translated as "teary-weary" or "cry-a-poo". わっ (wa-) is a distinctly feminine sentence ender. Adding the small tsu (っ) gives it a breathy, dramatic flair.</ref> (O-mai ga-! Renpō seifugun ni kimi no you na mono ga ita nante CATS uruururin yo! Mō tamarimasen wa-!) | Oh my god! We never expected the Federation government forces to have someone like you! You made CATS sobby-sobby teary-weary! We can’t take this anymore! | Oh my gah! I can't believe the Federation was hiding a pilot like you! You made CATS all sobby sniffy teary-weary! I seriously just can't even! |- | わたしは君のままなのよ{{sic}}２２年前、連邦政府軍の基地でうんでしまったの。ままとよんでー！<ref>The in-game text lacks a period (。) at the end of わたしは君のままなのよ. The word ''mama'' (まま) is written in soft Hiragana instead of Katakana (ママ) or the Japanese word for mother (お母さん / Okaasan). This strips the reveal of any austere, dramatic dignity. Instead of saying "I am your mother," CATS says "I am your mama." なのよ identifies the register as Joseigo (feminine role language). It is highly emotional, slightly gossipy, and intensely feminine. うんでしまった communicates that the birth was given by accident, unintentionally, or with great regret.</ref> (Watashi wa kimi no mama na no yo. nijū ni nen mae, renpō seifugun no kichi de unde shimatta no. Mama to yonde-!) | I’m your mom. I gave birth to you 22 years ago on a Federation military base. Call me “Mommy”! | I'm your mama. I accidentally gave birth to you 22 years ago on a Federation base. Call me "Mamaaaaa"! |- | ばっかでない！まともに戦ってかてるわけねーんだしなかまになって、たのしーしようぜ！<ref>The register here is of an 1980s Japanese Yankī (delinquent youth). In standard Japanese, "baka" means idiot or fool. The addition of a small tsu (っ) in the middle of the word turns it into ばっか (bakka). This is a hard, aggressive consonant stop. It is the phonetic equivalent scoffing and spitting the word out. The grammar 〜でない (de nai) is a colloquial, highly casual regional contraction (often used as a rhetorical question). Put together, it is an accusatory, exasperated scoff directed at the listener. なかま (Nakama) is a culturally loaded word, often used in Japanese anime (famously the core theme of One Piece). It means "comrade," "crewmate," or "in-group buddy." たのしーしようぜ is grammatically incorrect. It is a juvenile, slurred corruption of the language. It translates literally to: "Let's do fun!"</ref> (Bakka de nai! Matomo ni tatakatte kateru wakenē n dashinakama ni natte, tanoshī shiyou ze!) | Don’t be dumb! You can’t beat us in a straight fight, so join us and have some fun! | Don't be a dumbass! There's no way in hell I can beat you in a fair fight anyway! So let's be bros and do some fun! |- | 戦いは、始まったばかりだ。よういはいいかね諸君。ハッ、ハッ、ハッ。はーい、それそれーっ！それそれーっ！<ref>CATS starts with his introduction register. それそれーっ！それそれーっ！ is a 掛け声 (Kakegoe), a rhythmic, traditional hype-chant. It is shouted during a ''Matsuri'' (Japanese festival). When a group of people is carrying a massive, incredibly heavy ''mikoshi'' (portable shrine) through the streets on their shoulders, they chant "Sore! Sore! Sore!" to keep the rhythm, hype up the crowd, and ignore the physical pain.</ref> (Tatakai wa, hajimatta bakari da. Youi wa ii ka ne shokun. Ha, ha, ha. Ha-i, sore sore-! Sore sore-!) | The battle has only just begun. Are you ready? Ha ha ha. Okay, here goes! Heave-ho! Heave-ho! | The war has only just begun. Are you prepared, gentlemen? Ha ha ha. Okay, here goes! Heave-ho! Heave-ho! |- | お前をたおしてからね、せかいをクリーンクリーンするの・・。そしたらね、もっと基地たてたいのよ！<ref>The register here is a hyperactive toddler. The first phrase ends with 〜からね (kara ne) — "After [X], you see..." The second sentence begins with そしたらね (Soshitara ne) — "And then after that, you see..." CATS starts off trying to sound tough by using the second person pronoun お前, but drops immediately to hyperactive toddler mode.</ref> (Omae o taoshite kara ne, Sekai o kurīn kurīn suru no.. Soshitara ne, motto kichi tatetai no yo!) | After I beat you, I’m gonna clean-clean the world. And then I want to build even more bases! | So, after I totally beat you up, right? I'm gonna do a big clean-clean on the whole world. And then, you see, I wanna build even MORE bases!! |- | 連邦政府軍の諸君のご協力により{{sic}}我々ＣＡＴＳは、ばす、がす爆発！どうだね。むハハハハ・・・。<ref>There is a missing comma (、) after 連邦政府軍の諸君のご協力により. CATS begins with his Japanese "all your base" line verbatim. ばす、がす爆発 is a Japanese tongue twister. ばす、がす (basu, gasu; "bus", "gas") and 爆発 (bakuhatsu, "explosion") sound similar. For the more accurate English translation, an English tongue twister is used.</ref> (Renpō seifugun no shokun no gokyōryoku ni yori, wareware CATS wa, basu, gasu bakuhatsu! Dō da ne. Muhahahaha...) | Thanks to your Federation assistance, our CATS organization is BASU-GASU-BAKUHATSU! How was that? Muhahahaha… | With the gracious support of the Federation Government forces, we CATS sell seashells by the seashore! Cool, huh? Muhahahaha... |- | にはにはにはにはとりがいる。もももすもももももたろう。君にも言えるかな。<ref>Two more Japanese tongue twisters, written in hiragana to be just as difficult to read. The first one written in kanji, and made easier to read, is 庭には二羽鶏がいる (In the yard, there are two chickens). The second one is originally 李も桃も桃のうち (Sumomo mo momo mo momo no uchi, "peaches and plums are in the peach family"), but became 桃も李も桃太郎 (Peaches and plums are both Momotarō). 桃太郎 ("Peach Boy") is a legendary hero of Japanese folklore and a cultural icon associated with peaches. 君にも言えるかな firmly establishes the register as that of a host on a children's educational television program. For the more accurate English translation, two English tongue twisters are used and substituted to convey the "Momotarō" substitution.</ref> (Niwa ni wa niwa niwatori ga iru. Momo mo sumomo mo Momotarō. Kimi ni mo ieru ka na.) | "Niwa niwa niwa niwatori ga iru. Momo mo sumomo mo Momotarō." Can you say it too? | "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice...skates? Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled...pepperoni?" Can you say it too? |- | たらったらったらったＣＡＴＳのだんす。どうだい、わたしとおどらないかい！わはわはわははははっ <ref>The particle 〜かい (kai) is a masculine question marker that carries a distinct air of theatrical, suave, older-gentleman confidence. CATS' register is that of a gentleman asking a lady to dance in a formal party. The laughter afterwards is unhinged. </ref>(Taratta ratta ratta CATS no dansu. Doudai, watashi to odoranai kai! Waha waha wahahahaha-) | Ta-ratta-ratta-ratta! This is the CATS dance. What do you say? Won’t you dance with me?! Wahahahahaha! | Ta-ratta-ratta-ratta! Look at CATS get down on the dance floor. So how about it? Shall we dance, milady?! Waha-waha-WAHAHAHAHAHA... |- | るるはまんねん、たまりませんねん！かぜにまけるな！しーはーはー！<ref>るるはまんねん is a malaproper for the Japanese proverb 鶴は千年、亀は万年 (Tsuru wa sennen, Kame wa mannen, "Cranes live for 1,000 years, turtles live for 10,000 years"). るる refers to ルル (Lulu), an ubiquitous, household brand of over-the-counter cold medicine. Produced by Daiichi Sankyo since 1951, it is the Japanese cultural equivalent of NyQuil, DayQuil, or Vicks. The more accurate English translation translates the original Japanese proverb and inserts a cold medicine brand name to reflect the Japanese intent. 〜ねん (~nen) is a heavy, stereotypical Kansai dialect (Osakan) emphatic particle; this is reflected in the more accurate English translation as a gruff speaking style. CATS also uses a rhyming scheme with まんねん and たまりませんねん; this is reflected by warping "unbearable" into "unbeara-buil" to rhyme with the Western cold medicine equivalent "DayQuil." しー (Shii-) is a sharp, whistling inhale through clenched teeth. はーはー (Haa-haa) is a hot, heavy, wheezing exhale. Together, they make for labored breathing associated with severe colds. The English equivalent is writing "wheeze," "cough."</ref> (Ruru wa mannen, tamarimasen nen! Kaze ni makeruna! Shi-ha-ha-!) | [https://www.daiichisankyo.com/our_stories/detail/index_4521.html Lulu] lives for 10,000 years! Oh, I can’t stand it! Don’t let your cold get you down! SHE! HER! HER! | A turtle lives for ten thousand... DayQuils? I gotta tell ya, it's unbeara-buil! Feed a cold, starve a fever! Wheeze... hack, cough! |- | わしをよんでそんなにおもしろいんか！しまいにはいかるで！われ！もう終わりにしョ！なったのむわ！<ref>わし is the universal Japanese pronoun for an old man. In standard Japanese dictionary definitions, われ means "I" or "oneself" (as in 我々). But in Kansai Yakuza slang, shouting "われ!" at someone is one of the most aggressive, disrespectful ways to say "YOU!" (Equivalent to お前 or きさま, but with a distinctly thuggish, street-brawler flavor).　The small Katakana 'yo' (ョ) right in the middle of もう終わりにしョ represents a voice cracking in Japanese typography. The more accurate English translation preserves the thuggish old man register, using equivalent language.</ref> (Washi o yonde sonna ni omoshiroin ka! Shimai ni wa ikaru de! Ware! Mō owari ni sho! Nat-tanomu wa!) | Is reading me really that fun?! You’re gonna make me cross, y’know! Just stop it already! Seriously, please! | Is draggin' this old man out here really that fun fer ya?! Keep it up and I'll bust your chops! You whippersnapper! L-let's just call it quits! I'm b-beggin' ya! |- | もう終わりにしようぜ。おなかすいたし、だるいし、ねむいし。ううっ おねがいだからかえらせてぇぇぇっ！<ref>The register here is of a whiny child begging their parents to take them home. ううっ is the phonetic spelling of a whimper of someone in misery. からかえらせてぇぇぇっ turns a simple request to return home into a drawn out wail.</ref> (Mō owari ni shiyou ze. Onaka suitashi, darui shi, nemui shi. Uu- Onegai da kara kaerasete-e-e-e-!) | C’mon, it’s time we stop this. I’m hungry, tired, and sleepy. Unnngh… Please! Let me leave! | C'mon, let's just end this already. I'm hungry, and I'm tired, and I'm sleepy. Uuuugh... I'm begging you, pleeeeease just let me go hoooome! |- | だんなはん、いま終わりにしはったら、わてがええおなごしょうかいしまっせ。どないなもんでっか！<ref>だんなはん translates to "Master," "Husband," or "Boss." It is traditionally used by merchants or geisha to address a wealthy, male patron. はん is the soft, Kansai-dialect variation of the standard polite suffix さん. しはったら is the Kansai conditional form of しはる, which is a highly respectful (''Sonkeigo'') way of saying する (to do). It roughly means "if you would be so incredibly gracious and kind as to stop..." わて is an archaic, highly stereotypical first-person pronoun used in the Kansai dialect. ええ is the Kansai pronunciation of いい (good / fine).　おなご is a very rustic, archaic, and slightly crude word for a woman, equivalent to the English "dame" and "broad."</ref> (Danna-han, ima owari ni shihatta ra, wate ga ē onago shoukai shimasse. Donai na mon dekka!) | Howdy, mister. If you quit now, I’ll introduce ya ta some nice gals. Whatcha say?! | Tell ya what, boss! If you end this right now, I can hook you up with a real fine dame! Whaddaya say?! How 'bout it?! |- | お前のうしろでおしっこしーしーするぞー。まいったか！<ref>The register here is pure childishness. おしっこ is the standard, slightly childish word for urine or peeing. Adults in formal settings would use 尿 (nyō) or 小便 (shōben). しーしー is the specific baby-talk onomatopoeia used during potty training. Parents will make a "shiiii" hissing sound to encourage a toddler to urinate into a toilet. Turning that into a verb is the absolute, most infantile way to say "I am going to make a tinkle."</ref> (Omae no ushiro de oshikko shī-shī suru zo-. Maitta ka!) | I’m gonna go pee-pee behind you! Now do you give up?! | Right behind you, I'm gonna go tinky-tinky! Now have you had enough?! |- | おっ、お前は何者なんだ！うっ、うしか。それともかにか・・。わからない。ハッ、もしかしてぞう。 (O-, omae wa nanimono nan da! U-, ushi ka. Soretomo kani ka... Wakaranai. Ha-, moshikashite zō.) | Wh-who are you?! A c-cow? Or maybe a crab? I dunno. Oh! I bet you’re an elephant. | J-just what kind of monster are you?! A c-cow? Or maybe a crab? My brain is melting... Gasp! Could you be... an elephant?! |- | そらをごらん。わたしがとんでいるかもしれないよ。ＣＡＴＳはそらをとんでいけるんだ・・・・うっそでーい！けっ！<ref>ごらん is a gentle, poetic, slightly maternal or theatrical command to "look." うっそでーい is a highly specific, aggressively bratty, early-90s slang corruption. By adding the small tsu (っ), it becomes explosive. By slurring the ending, it adopts the phonetic cadence of a classic Edo-era street urchin (Edokko) or a mischievous gag-manga protagonist (like Crayon Shin-chan or Osomatsu-kun). けっ is onomatopoeia of spitting. It is absolute, unadulterated disrespect.</ref> (Sora o goran. Watashi ga tonde iru kamoshirenai yo. CATS wa sora o tonde ikeru n da.... Ussode-i! Ke-!) | Look up into the sky. You just might see me flying across it. CATS can fly through the sky…. Not! Ha! | Gaze upon the wondrous sky. You just might see me flying up there. CATS can soar peacefully through the endless sky...PSYCH! Ptooie! |- | それまでしてもまだ終わらせない。まいりましたよだんな！ハッハッハ はなたーかだっかー！たーかだっか！<ref>はなたーかだっかー！たーかだっか！ is based on a traditional Japanese idiom 鼻が高い (Hana ga takai, literally "Their nose is high"). The adverbial form is 鼻高々 (Hana takadaka), meaning "proudly" or "triumphantly." By stretching the word out phonetically with long vowel dashes (たーかだっかー / ta-ka dakka-), the idiom becomes a singsong, childish taunt. The more accurate English translation uses an equivalent English idiom turned into a childish taunt.</ref> (Sore made shite mo mada owarasenai. Mairimashita yo danna! Hahhahha Hana ta-ka dakka-! Ta-ka dakka!) | You’re that determined to keep this from ending. I give up, good sir! Ha ha ha! HANA TAKADAKA! TAKADAKKA! | Even after all that, you still won't just let this end. I totally surrender, Boss! Hahahaha! You must be feeling sooo high and mighty! Hiiiigh and mighty! |- | そらをこーえてーーららら・・・・・・かなたーー・・・うーむ、かしをわすれた。<ref>CATS is singing the opening lyrics to the original ''[[w:Astro Boy|Astro Boy]]'' anime.</ref> (Sora o ko-ete-- rarara......kanata--...U-mu, kashi o wasureta.) | Acroooozzz the skyyyyy la la la……beyooooond the…Hmm. I forgot the lyrics. | Acroooozzz the skyyyyy la-la-la……beyooooond the…Hmm. I forgot the lyrics. |- | 入力は、Ｓ ＣうビだＡれ西ビＣＣ西れ西Ａだ Ｓ、です。(Nyūryoku wa, S C u bi da A re nishi bi C C nishi re nishi A da S, desu.) | Input: S C u B Da A re West B C C West re West A Da then S | (This is a secret code in ''Zero Wing'' that brings up the game's debug mode. It also works in the English version of the game. After this loop, the endings loop back to the first CATS ending.) |} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * Benner, Jeffrey; [https://web.archive.org/web/20140630210517/https://archive.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/news/2001/02/42009 "When Gamer Humor Attacks"]; ''Wired''; 23 February 2001; article about the meme. * Mandelin, Clyde; [https://legendsoflocalization.com/comparisons/zero-wing/endings/ "Zero Wing Translation Comparison: All Endings"]; ''Legends of Localization''; 4 November 2016; coverage of the Japanese-exclusive endings in the 16-bit Sega console port. == Footnotes == {{Footnotes}} == References == <references /> [[Category:1989 video games]] qhaapgtx6xoccpepnv5or1frcukp1qm 0 1615 3944541 3943998 2026-05-23T17:40:14Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944541 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons''': The Model Series Eras: The Old Series Eras: The Clearwater Features Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 2|2]]}} The Britt Allcroft Company Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 5|5]]}} The Gullane Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 7|7]]}} The New Series Era: The Old HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 12|12]]}} The CGI Series Eras: The Old CGI Series Era: The New HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 16|16]]}} The New CGI Series Era: The Andrew Brenner Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 21|21]]}} The Big World! Big Adventures! Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 23|23]] 24}} ---- '''''Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends''''' (1984–1986, 1991-1992, 1994-1995, 1998, 2002-2021), otherwise referred to as '''''Thomas & Friends''''', '''''Thomas the Tank Engine''''' or '''''Thomas''''' for short, is a British [[w:Children's television series|children's television series]] based on the series of the British children's books referred to as ''[[The Railway Series]]''. The show was aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school children, and from ages 4 to 7. ==Movies== * ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000) * ''[[Calling All Engines!]]'' (2005) * ''[[The Great Discovery]]'' (2008) * ''[[Hero of the Rails]]'' (2009) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011) * ''[[Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] (2013) * ''[[Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: The Adventure Begins|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015) * ''[[Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Great Race (Thomas)|The Great Race]]'' (2016) * ''[[Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017) * ''[[Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018) == Storytellers == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == Character Voices == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == See also == *''[[Tugs]]'' *''[[Shining Time Station]]'' *''[[Salty's Lighthouse]]'' *''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' *''[[Microsoft Train Simulator]]'' *''[[Rail Simulator]]'' *''[[Train Simulator Classic]]'' *''[[Train Sim World]]'' *''[[The Railway Series]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|Thomas & Friends}} *{{imdb title | id=0086815 | title=Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends}} {{Thomas & Friends}} [[Category:Animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:PBS shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:UK TV shows]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Freeform shows]] [[Category:ITV shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] [[Category:Nick Jr. shows]] 4td8ya94sxchtljdxyg1td77y7ly9h7 3944544 3944541 2026-05-23T17:42:30Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944544 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons''': The Model Series Eras: The Old Series Eras: The Clearwater Features Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 2|2]]}} The Britt Allcroft Company Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 5|5]]}} The Gullane Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 7|7]]}} The New Series Era: The Old HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 12|12]]}} The CGI Series Eras: The Old CGI Series Era: The New HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 16|16]]}} The New CGI Series Era: The Andrew Brenner Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 21|21]]}} The Big World! Big Adventures! Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 23|23]] 24}} ---- '''''Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends''''' (1984–1986, 1991-1992, 1994-1995, 1998, 2002-2021), otherwise referred to as '''''Thomas & Friends''''', '''''Thomas the Tank Engine''''' or '''''Thomas''''' for short, is a British [[w:Children's television series|children's television series]] based on the series of the British children's books referred to as ''[[The Railway Series]]''. The show was aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school children, and from ages 5 to 8. ==Movies== * ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000) * ''[[Calling All Engines!]]'' (2005) * ''[[The Great Discovery]]'' (2008) * ''[[Hero of the Rails]]'' (2009) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011) * ''[[Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] (2013) * ''[[Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: The Adventure Begins|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015) * ''[[Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Great Race (Thomas)|The Great Race]]'' (2016) * ''[[Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017) * ''[[Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018) == Storytellers == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == Character Voices == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == See also == *''[[Tugs]]'' *''[[Shining Time Station]]'' *''[[Salty's Lighthouse]]'' *''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' *''[[Microsoft Train Simulator]]'' *''[[Rail Simulator]]'' *''[[Train Simulator Classic]]'' *''[[Train Sim World]]'' *''[[The Railway Series]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|Thomas & Friends}} *{{imdb title | id=0086815 | title=Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends}} {{Thomas & Friends}} [[Category:Animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:PBS shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:UK TV shows]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Freeform shows]] [[Category:ITV shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] [[Category:Nick Jr. shows]] n5gr2rjmjs1eebd4y8lwgwglyz60vj5 0 1648 3944475 3942762 2026-05-23T13:47:00Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944475 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup}} [[File:Madonna Rebel Heart Tour 2015 - Stockholm (23051472299) (cropped).jpg|thumb|I'm not a feminist, I'm a humanist.]] '''[[w:Madonna (entertainer)|Madonna Louise Ciccone]]''' (born [[16 August]] [[1958]]), known simply by her first name '''Madonna''', is an American pop singer-songwriter, dancer, and actress. She has been often referred to, by the media, as the 'Queen of pop'.<ref>[http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/content_pages/record.asp?recordid=55387]</ref> Madonna's record company credited her as having sold over 300 million records worldwide.<ref>[http://www.marketwire.com/mw/release_html_b1?release_id=97678]</ref> == Quotes == * I've never really lived a conventional life, so I think it's quite foolish for me or anyone else to start thinking that I am going to start making conventional choices. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.okmagazine.com/news/madonna-misses-certain-things-about-being-married|title=Madonna Misses "Certain Things" About Being Married|publisher=[[w:OK!|OK!]]|date=2012-01-12}} * To rule the world. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.cnn.com/CNN/Programs/people/shows/madonna/timeline.html|title=Madonna Timeline|publisher=[[w:CNN|CNN]]}} ** (When asked what she wanted to do, on "American Bandstand", 1983.) * Now there's no point in placing the [[blame]] <br/> And you should know I'd [[suffer]] the same ** ''[[w:Frozen (Madonna song)|Frozen]]'' (February 23, 1998) from the album ''{{w|Ray of Light}}'' (March 3, 1998), cowritten with [[Patrick Leonard]]. * "A lot of people are just really confused by me; they don’t know what to think of me, so they try to compartmentalize me or diminish me. Maybe they just feel unsafe. But any time you have an overtly emotional or irrational, negative reaction to something, you’re fearing something that it’s bringing up in you." ** {{cite web|url=http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/music/article6836901.ece?token=null&offset=0&page=1|title=Madonna Interview:Sunday Times Culture|publisher=[[w:The Times|The Times]]|date=2009-09-20}} * Better to live one year as a tiger, than a hundred as sheep. **{{cite web|url=http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom|title=Madonna: 50 Years Of Wit And Wisdom|publisher=[[w:The Insider|The Insider]]}} * "I love horses. I think I may have been one of Henry VIII’s knights in another life, riding through a great forest." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/news/a119799/the-wit-and-wisdom-of-madonna.html|title=The wit and wisdom of Madonna|publisher=[[w:Digital Spy|Digital Spy]]|date=2008-08-15}} * "I just like the idea of pills. I like to collect them but not actually take them. When I fell off my horse, I got tons of stuff: Demerol and Vicodin and Xanax and Valium and Oxycontin, which is supposed to be like heroin. And I'm quite scared to take them. I'm a control freak." **{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-rolling-stone-december-01-2005|title=Madonna Interview : Rolling Stone|publisher=[[w:Rolling Stone|Rolling Stone]]|date=2005-12-01}} * "I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20113175,00.html|title=Madonna|publisher=[[w:People (magazine)|People]]|date=1992-07-27}} * "I wanted to be a boy when I was growing up because I was in love with all of the male dancers I knew and they were all gay. And I thought, Well, if I was a boy, they'd love me. So I got into role-playing then. That's where it began. I remember when I was still in high school, I had cut my hair off really short, and I was totally anorexic - I had no boobs - and I would dress like a boy and go to gay clubs and my goal was to trick men into thinking I was a boy." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/1999/dec/12/life1.lifemagazine1|title=Ray Of Light|publisher=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]|date=1999-12-01}} * "I have the most perfect belly button. When I stick my fingers in it, I feel a nerve in the center of my body shoot up my spine." **{{cite web|url=https://books.google.ru/books?id=9ugCQfxwym0C|title=Confessions of a Madonna|publisher=[[w:Spin magazine|SPIN]]|date=1985-05-01}} * "I liked my [[body]] growing up and I wasn't [[ashamed]] of it. I liked boys and didn't feel inhibited by them. Maybe it comes from having brothers and sharing a bathroom. The boys got the wrong impression of me at high school. They mistook forwardness for promiscuity. When they don't get what they want, they turn on you. I went through this period when all the girls thought I was loose and the boys said I was a nymphomaniac. The first boy I ever slept with was my boyfriend and we'd been going out a long time." ** {{cite web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}} * I'm not interested in being [[Wonder Woman]] in the delivery room. Give me [[drugs]]. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/the-biggest-mother-of-them-all-1358620.html|title=The biggest mother of them all |publisher=[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]|date=1996-10-16}} * "She never had public favor; it was a bit like the [[Hillary Clinton]] thing. She did all the right things for her country, but she wasn't ultimately revered. So she had a conversation with her confidant-adviser. She asked him, when have they ever looked up to or idolized a [[woman]]? Only one, he told her, the [[Virgin Mary]]. So she said, Then I will become like the Virgin Mary, and she did. She created a facade for herself; she stopped having lovers; she became like a [[virgin]]. She became sexless, and painted her face in a white alabaster way, and turned herself into an icon that was untouchable and sexless, and then she had everybody's [[respect]]." **{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-aperture-magazine-summer-1999|title=Madonna Interview : Aperture Magazine (Summer 1999)|publisher=[[w:Aperture|Aperture]]}} ** (About Queen of England, [[Elizabeth I]].) * "Phallic symbols. You know [[Catholics]]. I used to draw people [[naked]] all the time in my [[art]] class and my nun [[teachers]] used to tell me I had to put [[clothes]] on them. So I just drew lines around their [[bodies]]. See-through clothes." **{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-island-magazine-october-1983|title=Madonna Interview : Island Magazine (October 1983)|publisher=[[w:Island Magazine|Island]]|date=1983-10-01}} **(When asked what she used to draw as a kid). * I've always known that [[Catholicism]] is a completely [[sexist]], [[repressed]], [[sin]]- and [[punishment]]-based [[religion]]. ** Quoted in ''US Magazine'', June 13, 1991, and in "Madonna Blasts Catholics." ''American Family Association Journal'', September 1991, page 3. * "[[Fame]] is a by-product. Fame is something that should happen because you do [[work]] that speaks to people and people want to know about your work. Unfortunately the personality of people has taken over from the work and the artistry and it's this thing now that stands on its own. I don't think one should ever aspire to being famous." **{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-may-2008|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine (May 2008)|publisher=[[w:Q magazine|Q]]|date=2008-05-01}} * "I must have been Japanese in a previous life. I'm pretty sure I was a warrioress. I can't explain it, I just know. I'm good at fighting - fighting with a big sword." ** {{cite web|url=http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/Madonna-23560.html|title=Madonna's Japanese past|date=2008-11-13|publisher=femalefirst.com}} * "This is a historical evening. This is fucking important evening... We are lucky to be sharing it with each other. This is the beginning of a whole new world. Open your fucking head!" ** {{cite web|url=http://www.lasvegassun.com/news/2008/nov/07/dont-cry-her-vegas/|title=Don’t cry for her, Vegas|publisher=[[w:Las Vegas Sun|Las Vegas Sun]]|date=2008-11-07}} ** Madonna Onstage in San Diego on election night, congratulated President-elect Barack Obama before a giant projected backdrop of an Obama campaign poster that read, “WE WON.” It ended with Madonna getting the crowd to chant “We are one!” * If we can elect an African American as president, we can support gay marriage! Defeat prop 8! We will not give up! **{{cite web|url=http://www.sundaytimes.lk/081109/International/sundaytimesinternational-07.html|title=Madonna says it's time US says “I do” to gay marriage|publisher=The Sunday Times|date=2008-11-09}} * "One is that we are all responsible for our actions, our behavior, and our words, and we must take responsibility for everything we say and do. When you get your head wrapped around that, you can no longer think of life as a series of random events - you participate in life in a way you didn't previously. I am the architect of my destiny. I am in charge. I bring that to me, or I push that away. You can no longer blame other people for things that happened to you. The other is that there is order in the universe, even though it looks like chaos. We separate the world into categories: this is good and this is bad. But life is set up to trick us. It's a series of illusions we invest in. And ultimately those investments don't serve our understanding, because physicality is always going to let you down, because physicality doesn't last." **{{cite web|url=http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2008/05/madonna200805|title=Madonnarama!|publisher=[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]|date=2008-05-01}} * "When I experienced what was going on first hand, I just got sucked into the whole thing. Thank God I did. I met some amazing people and, hopefully, I’ve changed the lives of a lot of children. Just as important, I think it’s been an incredible growing and learning experience for me." (About her work in Malawi). **{{cite web|url=http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/Story?id=5251905|title=Celebrity Parade With Jeanne Wolf|publisher=[[w:ABC news|ABC]]|date=2008-06-27}} * "Not only does society suffer from racism and sexism but it also suffers from ageism. Once you reach a certain age you're not allowed to be adventurous, you're not allowed to be sexual. I mean, is there a rule? Are you supposed to just die?" **{{cite web|url=http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-12F/10/content_6310487.htm|title=Madonna Refuses To Become A Victim of Ageism|publisher=chinadaily.com.cn|date=2007-12-18}} ** Madonna said it at 34 in [[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]] interview ([http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.ru/2012/02/ageism-and-madonna-saying-fuck-you.html Ageism and Madonna]). * "Publicly humiliating someone for your own gain will only come and haunt you. God’s going to have his revenge. **{{cite web|url=http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-library/madonna-interview-q-magazine-april-2003|title=Madonna Interview : Q Magazine|publisher=Q|date=2003-04-01}} * I hate polite conversation. I hate it when people stand around and go, 'Hi, how are you?' I hate words that don't have any reason or meaning. Also I hate it when people smoke in elevators and closed in places. It's just so rude. ** [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm]. * I don't take drugs. I never did. All the feelings that drugs are supposed to produce in you - confidence or energy - I can produce naturally. The only problem is going to sleep. But I never take pills... I drink herbal teas. ** {{cite web|url=http://time.com/3724297/madonna-rocks-the-land/|title=Madonna Rocks the Land|publisher=[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]|date=1985-05-27}} * I think that life is a paradox and you have to embrace that in your work and your belief systems... you can't be a literalist, and that's the trouble that people always find themselves in. That's why people always hit a wall with any of my stuff, because you can't take it literally. **[http://dazeddigital.com/article/388/1/madonna_worldwide_exclusive_in_dazed_and_confused ''Dazed & Confused'' magazine 29 February 2008] * One of my all-time favourite poets is Charles Bukowski. I think he's the coolest guy in the world. **[http://www.madonnanews.net/citaty.html]. * I'm not a feminist, I'm a humanist. ** (''On Stage and On The Record'' 2003). * Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion. ** [http://www.theinsider.com/news/1130430_Madonna_50_Years_Of_Wit_And_Wisdom]. * "That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure." ** Talking about [[w:Kabbalah|Kabbalah]]. * "I am because we are. We all bleed the same color. We all want to love and be loved." ** [http://www.youtube.com/user/iambecauseweare About her documentary ''I Am Because We Are''] * Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family. ** From ''The Great Rock 'N' Roll Quote Book'' [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_2.htm]. * Every time I do a show, I die a little bit, but no shit is worth doing unless you're willing to die for it. **[http://www.powerhousebooks.com/madonna_confessions/ From ''Madonna Confessions'' book by Guy Oseary] * "I pay attention to what’s going on around me. I’m always looking for new energy, new talent, new voices. When you do that I think it’s easier to come up with fresh ideas. It's not that my career has been based on surprising people, but it’s been about challenging myself — to constantly do new things that are going to broaden my own mind and in the process, hopefully, connect with other people." **[http://www.parade.com/celebrity/celebrity-parade/archive/pc_0179.html ''Parade'' magazine 24 June 2008] * "Family is everything. Family comes first. It's not what I expected it to be, but nothing ever is." **[http://www.familyquotes4u.com/2009/03/family-quotes-page-8.html] **(In ''Brilla Mare Ariake'' ads). * "Now that I got everyone's attention, what do I have to say?" **([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]). * "I'm not going to compromise my artistic integrity." **(Spoken in her documentary [[w:Truth_or_Dare_(Madonna_documentary)|Truth or Dare]]). * "I went to New York. I had a dream. I wanted to be a big star. I didn’t know anybody. I wanted to dance. I wanted to sing. I wanted to do all those things. I wanted to make people happy. I wanted to be famous. I wanted everybody to love me. I wanted to be a star. I worked really hard and my dream came true." **(Spoken at the beginning of the [[w:The_Virgin_Tour|Virgin Tour]] concert video). *I have a cage<br/>It's called the stage<br/>When I'm let out<br/>I run about<br/>And sing and dance and sweat and yell<br/>I have so many tales to tell<br/>I like to push things to the edge<br/>And inch my way along the ledge<br/>I feel like God, I feel like shit<br/> The paradox, an even split<br/>It's just a job, I always say<br/>I should be grateful everyday<br/>Sometimes I think I just can't do it<br/>But I persist and I get through it<br/>And I console myself each night<br/>At least my cage is filled with light. ** Short poem from ''[[w:I'm_Going_to_Tell_You_a_Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]''. * I haven't got much time to waste<br/>It's time to make my way<br/>I'm not afraid of what I'll face<br/>But I'm afraid to stay. **(Lyrics from [[w:Jump_(Madonna_song)|Jump]]). * "Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another." **(Lyrics from [[w:Justify My Love|Justify My Love]]). * "Most priests are gay." **(Said in ''[[w:I'm Going to Tell You a Secret|I'm Going to Tell You a Secret]]''). * "Come on girls! Do you believe in love? Cause I got something to say about it." **(Lyric From [[w:Express Yourself (Madonna song)|Express Yourself]]). * "I was sacked from Dunkin' Donuts for squirting the donuts jelly all over the customers." ** [http://www.careerbuilder.com/Article/CB-1074-Changing-Jobs-Before-They-Made-It-Big/?ArticleID=1074&cbRecursionCnt=1&cbsid=2cff0592cadd497eb4f83b543bacdaca-290878106-RC-4&ns_siteid=ns_xx_g_I_was_sacked_from_Dun_] ** About working in Dunkin' Donuts in New York before becoming famous. * "Rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac." **(Lyric from "Forbidden Love", [[w:Bedtime Stories (Madonna_album)|Bedtime Stories]]). * "The cross is a very powerful symbol and it symbolizes suffering, but it also is connected to a person who was loving and sharing and his message was about unconditional love. I tried to take a powerful image and use it to draw attention to a situation that needs attention. For me, we all need to be Jesus in our time. Jesus' message was to love your neighbor as yourself and these are people in need." **[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm Explaining the controversial crucifixion scene in her Confessions tour] * "I fear the future I wish for my children is at risk, so I'm taking action. Please join me. Our greatest risk is not terrorism, and it's not Iraq or the "Axis of Evil". Our greatest risk is a lack of leadership, a lack of honesty and a complete lack of consciousness. Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the “what's in it for me?” syndrome. The simple truth is that the current administration has squandered incredible opportunities to bring the world together, to promote peace in regions that have only known war, to encourage health in places that are ravaged with disease, to make us more secure by living up to our principles at home and abroad. The simple truth is that the policies of our current administration do not reflect what is great about America." **[http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,107771,00.html From Madonna's open letter about the War in Iraq & the Bush administration] * "It takes a Real man to fill my shoes." **[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kIqualuElwSaid Said during The VMA's '99, after number of men put a drag show dressed as her] * "Maybe I'm just a gay man inside a woman's body!" **(Talking to [[Michael Parkinson]] in November 2005 interview). * "I don't care if you have a small dick, as long as you know how to use that stick." **(From [[w:The_Girlie_Show_World_Tour|The Girlie Show]]). * "Hey you! Don't be silly! Put a rubber on your willie!" **(Poem written for AIDS P.S.A). * "No man can have sex with anyone but me and since I don't have that kind of time on my hands, you might as well all be gay!" **(Joked during Johnjay and Rich interview, 11 April '08). * "I'll flirt with anyone from garbagemen to grandmothers." **[http://www.thequotegenerator.com/chat/page/quote-generator-chat-guidelines] * "If you don't like my attitude, then you can fuck off, just go to Texas and suck George Bush's dick!" **(Singing 'I Love New York' at Coachella Festival 2006). * "When I came to New York it was the first time I'd ever taken a plane, the first time I'd ever gotten a taxi-cab, the first time for everything. And I came here with 35 dollars in my pocket. It was the bravest thing I'd ever done." **[https://www.beautyelife.net/madonna-age-children-life-biography/]. * "For me, a male image that I'm really moved by is somewhere between of Oscar Wilde type of a male: the fop, the long hair, the suits, too witty for his own good, incredibly smart, scathingly funny - all that. But then my other ideal is more like the Buddhist monk - the shaved head, actually someone who sublimates their sexuality." **[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999] * "I am attracted to a thug. I like that quality, but I like the other side of it, too. Because all guys who go around behaving in macho ways are really scared little girls. So you have to look beneath the surface. There's a difference between my ideal man and a man that I'm sexually attracted to, believe me. Therein lies the rub." **[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999] * "Hollywood is about playing the game, and I can't think of any successful actresses who didn't play the game. there's a lot more renegades in the music business, from Patti Smith to Janis Joplin." **[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999] * "David Bowie has a huge influence on me because his was his first concert I went to see. I remember watching him and thinking I didn't know what sex he was, and it didn't matter. Because one minute he was wearing body stockings - the whole Ziggy Stardust thing - and the next minute he was the Thin White Duke in white double-breasted suits, and there's something so androgynous about him. And I think androgyny, whether it's David Bowie or Helmut Berger, that has really really influenced my work more than anything." **[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999] * "I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art." **[http://www.girlscantwhat.com/2007/10/15/i-am-my-own-experiment/] * "When I got my first paycheck, $5'000 or something. I bought a Leger and I bought a Frida Kahlo self-portrait, but I don't know which came first. But I remember buying it and I had just gotten married and it looked completely out of place in my house in Malibu." (When asked what was the first painting she bought). **[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999] * "I've always been kind of obsessed with Frida Kahlo, so I was really into the idea of getting something that belonged to her. And then from Frida Kahlo I found out about Tina Modotti and then I started collecting her stuff and Edward Weston, and one person always leads to another person with me, because for me it started with Diego Rivera, then it went to Frida Kahlo, then it went to Tina, and Edward and... Also, if you're into Picasso, and you want to find out about him and that whole area of art and European culture, then you start reading about Man Ray and the surrealists and Andre Breton, and all of a sudden you're in that whole world and you start having interests in other people. It's like a disease." **[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/aperture-magazine-summer-1999 ''Aperture'' Magazine 1999] * "What else is there for me to conquer? Hopefully my ego. How will I know when I've succeeded? When I stop caring what anyone thinks." **[http://allaboutmadonna.com/madonna-interviews-articles/q-magazine-may-2008 ''Q'' Magazine May 2008] * "When in doubt act like god". **[http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2004/oct/31/usa.religion ABC 20/20 interview 2004] * "One must dare to show what he wants. You have to go and ask for things rather than wait for them to happen." **(Crillon Hotel, Paris, November 1998). * "I'd like to think I am taking people on a journey; I am not just entertaining people, but giving them something to think about when they leave." **[http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/showbiz/2007-02/17/content_811558.htm]. * "One set of circumstances does not complete you. Maybe nothing ever does. So you work on your life and you work on your 'work' and you try to live every single day like it's your last. And you try to be better, to yourself and to others. I don't always succeed. But I try and it's my goal." **[http://www.wowowow.com/entertainment/liz-smith-living-legend-madonna-398128?page=0%2C0] * "I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams." **[http://www.studyworld.com/newsite/Quotes/QuoteByTopic.asp?i=Dream] * I'm everything! **[http://madonnascrapbook.blogspot.com/2009/10/im-everything-entertainment-news-report.html]. * Italians do it Better ** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5nE1J0lKpY] ** (From the famous T-shirt she wears in the video [[w:Papa Don't Preach|Papa Don't Preach]] at the minute 1:10.) * Life's too short to be bitter, I'm too short to be bitter. **[http://www.last.fm/user/helena_wanje]. * Beauty is where you find it. **(Lyrics from [[w:Vogue_(song)|Vogue]]). * Absolutely no regrets. **(Lyrics from [[w:Human Nature (Madonna_song)|Human Nature]]). * Once again I am caught in the glare of [[age|ageism]] and [[misogyny]] that permeates the world we live in. A world that refuses to celebrate women past the age of 45 and feels the need to punish her if she continues to be strong-willed, hard-working and adventurous. […] I have been degraded by the media since the beginning of my career but I understand that this is all a test and I am happy to do the trailblazing so that all the women behind me can have an easier time in the years to come. ** Response to the criticism of her appearance at the {{W|65th_Annual_Grammy_Awards|65th Annual Grammy Awards ceremony}}, as quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/music/2023/feb/09/madonna-age-appearance-look-grammys-2023-ageism-misogyny ''Madonna calls speculation about her appearance 'ageism and misogyny'''], ''{{W|The Guardian}}'' (9 February 2023) * When I'm hungry, I eat. When I'm thirsty, I drink. And when I feel like saying something, I just say it. **[https://www.todomusica.org/madonna/ Madonna] at [https://www.todomusica.org/ Todomusica.org] === On The Late Show with David Letterman (1994) === :<small>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRSP5ZUmxP8= The show online]</small> * Madonna: "Is that a rug?" ''(referring to David Letterman's hair)''. * Letterman: ''(after the singer brands him a "sick fuck")'' "You realize this is being broadcast don't you?" * Madonna: "Listen, all you do is talk about my sex life on your show, so now you don't want to talk about my sex life when I'm on your show?!" * Letterman: "I want to thank you folks for coming out for this run-through show. Thank you very much. This, of course, will never see the light of day. You won't miss a thing tonight." * Letterman: "Oh, stop it! Will you stop? Ladies and gentlemen, turn down your volume. Turn down the volume immediately! She can't be stopped! There's something wrong with her!" * Madonna: "I am a sick fuck I have my nose in everybody's sex life!" === From [[w:Sex (book)|Sex]] book === * "Straight men need to be emasculated. I'm sorry. They all need to be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight guy should have a man's tongue in his mouth at least once." * "Then there are guys who say 'I have never fantasized about being with a man.' They are lying. And the least offensive men I've been with in terms of their sexual politics and how they view me as a woman, have been men who have either slept with men, or at least kissed or held a man once. It opens up your thinking. You don't think that women are less-than you are." * "My pussy has nine lives." * "A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That's why they don't get what they want." * "I think I have a dick in my brain. I don't need to have one between my legs." == Quotations about Madonna == {{cleanup|2009-08-18}} ===Family=== * '''[[w:Christopher Ciccone|Christopher Ciccone]]''': ** "I was born my mother's son, but I will die my sister's brother. I no longer balk at the truth, because when all is said and done and written, I am truly proud that Madonna is my sister and always will be." [http://madgenetwork.blogspot.com/2008/07/life-with-my-sister-madonna-intro.html] ** "It was fucking endless. Every time we went to his goddamn house in Malibu, from the moment we arrived until the moment we left: 'Marry me, just marry me.' And she [Madonna] was like, 'Hahaha.' He was endless." (on David Geffen constantly asking Madonna to marry him) [http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2008/07/wayne_ciccone200807?currentPage=2] * '''[[w:Guy Ritchie|Guy Ritchie]]''': ** "Funnily enough, we took out the bits that my wife recommended we take out the first time she saw it." (About his film, ''Revolver'') [http://www.beautyandthedirt.com/show.asp?ID=2434] ** "It works because, first, I love her. That helps in a marriage. I actually like her, which is even more rare in a marriage." (About being married to Madonna) [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&new_topic=8] ** ''Interviewer'': "who’s in charge at home?"<br/>''Guy Ritchie'': "I’ve got to tell you, we’re just like any other married couple."<br/>''Interviewer'': "So she’s in charge?"<br/>''Guy Ritchie'': "Yes!" [http://www.reuters.com/article/peopleNews/idUSLAU66309020071206] ** "She is brilliant and brilliant at what she does." [http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/showbiz/rav/article19677.ece] ** "She's a manifester, if there ever was one. First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she'll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad." [http://www.esquire.com/features/guy-ritchie-interview-1109-3#ixzz0UbMeBVMe]. * '''[[w:Joe Henry|Joe Henry]]''': "I've known her since I was 15 and she was 17, longer than I've known my wife. We have had a great relationship, and part of that was because I never needed anything from her. I recognised that we were in two different occupations. Not to disparage one ounce of her musicality, I was always of the belief that her persona was her career. Whether she was making a movie or writing a song or punching a photographer, it was all pushing a persona forward, and that was the real body of work. I was never tempted to slip a song to her at thanksgiving." [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1124] * '''[[Sean Penn]]''': ** "She was in the process of becoming the biggest star in the world. I just wanted to make my films and hide. I was an angry young man. I had a lot of demons and don't really know who could have lived with me at the time. I was just as badly behaved as her, so I can't point the finger of blame." [http://www.allmovieportal.com/c/seanpenn.html] ** "She was a phenomenon, but nothing could have told anybody what would happen next. I describe that marriage as loud. That's how I remember it. I don't recall having a single conversation in four years of marriage. I've talked to her a few times since, and there's a whole person there. I just didn't know it. I was just living in my own head. Who was it that said: 'Men are vain, particularly young men'? That was me, and I liked to drink a lot. [http://breakingnews.iol.ie/entertainment/?jp=mhmhojsnkfcw] ** "[She's] very real, very sensitive." [http://showbiz.sky.com/Sean-Glad-I-Ditched-Madge] ** "Nothing that I could possibly some up with is as important as her. No whale, no nuclear war, no starving nation is more important, either." [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg] ===Music Industry=== * '''[[w:William Orbit|William Orbit]]''': "You know, she hasn't shouted about her musical abilities, but she is the consummate songwriter. She listens to classic musicals a lot. Not just the obvious ones, like ''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'', but the lesser ones. I remember one time we all had dinner in Germany, and somebody brought up old musicals, and she was the one who knew all the verses. And she writes really solid, melodic stuff like that."[https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/madonna-cant-stop-the-music-164212/] * '''[[w:Sting|Sting]]''': "She's outrageous, she's provocative, she's inscrutable. And over the years, we've all been witnessed to her evolution, from street smart kid sister to virgin bride, from sex goddess to a yogi. Her mind is as celebrated as her body, she's as feared as she's desired, she leads while others follow... A woman who is all woman, and all women." [http://wherethereswil.blogspot.com/2007/12/music-makes-people-come-together.html]. * '''[[Janet Jackson]]''': "I think she's done wonderful things. She's done great things in her career, in her life, and more power to her."[http://www.janet-love.com/2008/02/29/janet-speaks-to-hx-magazine/ HX magazine March 2008] * '''[[w:Mary J. Blige|Mary J. Blige]]''': "I don't think the music business, as far as females, would be anything without Madonna." [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news] * '''[[Tupac Shakur]]''': "I was letting people dictate who should be my friends. I felt like because I was this big Black Panther type of nigga, I couldn't be friends with Madonna. And so I dissed her, even though she showed me nothing but love. I felt bad, because when I went to jail, I called her and she was the only person that was willing to help me." [http://www.thugz-network.com/Tupac~Shakur~Interview~Ready~To~Live.php] * '''[[Marilyn Manson]]''': "I watched a screening of her [Madonna's] film and I was sitting right next to her, which to me was exciting still. I’m not jaded enough to not be excited by that." [http://www.mansonusa.com/celebritarian/?page=2] * '''[[w:Sinéad O'Connor|Sinéad O'Connor]]''': "I love her, I adore her and I respect her. I pity her for all the analysis she has to put up with." [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&weborama=-1#sinnead] * '''[[Cyndi Lauper]]''': ** "What's your issue? You know how many old geezers do you see with young women. What's the double standard? Who cares? You know, they're both adults. Who cares? What's good for the goose is good for the gander." (When asked about what she thinks about Madonna dating younger man). [http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/02/cyndi_lauper_applauds_madonnas.html] ** "It's so inspiring to see her work and she's got some spunk." [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html] ** "We’re both admirers of each others work." [http://popdirt.com/cyndi-lauper-and-madonna-to-team-up-this-year/47051/] * '''[[w:Mirwais|Mirwais]]''': "Once I collaborated with the Queen Bee, whoever came after her seemed a little boring to me! Many came to ask me to produce tracks, from Depeche Mode to [[Jennifer Lopez]], but I said no to all of them!" [http://www.absolumentmadonna.fr/artworks/20090529-BREVES02en.png] * '''DJ Enferno''': "She has so much knowledge– she’s been in the business for so long, she’s got so many good ideas, and she’s really witty, that was one surprising thing that I found out about her. She’s really sharp and she’ll kind of bust your chops a little bit." [http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/virginia/052209_local_dj_spins_on_madonnas_tour] * '''[[w:Seymour Stein|Seymour Stein]]''': "I was in the hospital, I had her come see me in the hospital, we talked a deal in the hospital and we did the deal in the hospital. Within days, even before I got out of the hospital, she was starting to record what became her first single, Everybody, and we were off and running. I saw her staunch determination and I knew she would work as hard as I did and much harder, in fact. And that's what you need in an artist. She worked harder than anybody. I just saw her perform in Berlin, and she still works harder than anybody." [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7661105.stm]. * '''[[w:Shakira|Shakira]]''': "I admire Madonna because she always did whatever she felt like doing. She went through some controversial periods when people rejected her, but she kept on reinventing herself." [http://www.tv.com/shakira/person/86809/biography.html]. * '''[[w:Lenny Kravitz|Lenny Kravitz]]''': "She's a genius, she can do no wrong." ''[[w:Behind the Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]''. * '''[[w:Daddy G.|Daddy G.]]''': "Working with Madonna is something to tell to your grandsons." [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&weborama=-1#daddy] * '''[[w:DJ Gordon Edge|DJ Gordon Edge]]''': "She is very natural. I did not get to know her as a person but she is down-to-earth and straightforward. She just speaks her mind." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=19352] * '''[[w:Donna Summer|Donna Summer]]''': "I was sitting around thinking I should do something. I was thinking about design school. A friend said, 'Are you out of your mind? Do an album.' But I like privacy and I like my space. I like being with my family. You have to be in the right frame of mind. You can't be like 'Don't touch me.' to your fans or saying 'I don't want to sign autographs.' I think I was exhausted for a lot of years. I have to take my hat off to people like Madonna. They keep doing it." [http://blogs.sun-sentinel.com/features_fashion/2009/05/donna-summer-disco-crayons-pop-concert-stamp-your-feet.html]. * '''[[Ayumi Hamasaki]]''': "I really like Madonna. What I admire is she's made it on her own terms." [http://web.archive.org/web/20020403141617/http://www.time.com/time/asia/features/ayumi_hamasaki/int_ayumi2.html]. * '''[[Björk]]''': ** "Just the fact that she made it look good to control your own life when that was something that was not supposed to be very sexy for a woman. She's one of the few women who has remained true to herself and been a character." [http://violet.abc.se/~m8996/bjork/interviw/rs-no695.html] ** "I really respect Madonna and I think she's quiet attractive a person, but, although it's not her fault, it does exist a world that surrounds her and spoils everything. It's not her, it's the media and all of this. I received an offer to write a lyric and a melody for her, and I felt quite honored." [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&weborama=-1#bjork] * '''[[w:Beyoncé|Beyoncé]]''': "I love Madonna. I do! Definitely. It all works for Madonna. I mean, I couldn’t do a lot of the things she does, but it works for her. I watched the "Human Nature" music video for the "Check On It" video even though it didn't come out anything like it. I wanted to do something like that but we didn't have time to do it because it was just a 12-hour shoot." [http://www.me-me-me.tv/2007/05/25/beyonce-exclusive-other-ways-madonna-has-inspired-me/] * '''[[Rihanna]]''': ** "I want to be the black Madonna." [http://www.entertainmenthit.com/madonna/rihanna_wants_to_be_madonna.html] ** "When I did that Metallic stuff for my "Umbrella" video, I didn't do it to show my body. I didn't do it for people to like me. I did it because it was a cool visual, unexpected and I looked hot. I just find myself leaning towards stuff that only Madonna can pull off." [http://whimsycrusader.blogspot.com/2007/07/dear-paper-magazine.html]. * '''[[w:Sean Combs|Sean Combs]]''': "I'd like to do something with Madonna in Malawi. I see what she does and I think it's fantastic. I'd like to help in any way I can." [http://www.hollyscoop.com/p-diddy/pdiddy-wants-to-join-madonnas-malawi-campaign_16235.aspx] * '''[[w:Ricky Martin|Ricky Martin]]''': "I know Madonna as a mother, and she’s exemplary, the love she gives her kids is a dream, and I know that her heart is big enough to adopt not just one child but to adopt 20." [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/10/25/AR2006102501003.html]. * '''[[Bono]]''': "Madonna should be applauded for helping to take a child out of the worst poverty imaginable and giving him a better chance in life. Baby David is lucky to have been adopted by someone who can give him a chance of survival in this world and I don't think it's fair that people are criticizing her." [http://www.nme.com/news/madonna/25047] * '''[[w:Melanie Brown|Melanie Brown]]''': "It's easy for critics to knock celebrities who choose to adopt, but it's a good thing that Madonna's doing. Not only is she highlighting the plight of orphans in Africa, she's also giving this little girl the chance of a better life." [http://news.superiorpics.com/2009/04/12/BROWN_BACKS_MADONNA_ADOPTION_BID.html]. * '''[[Britney Spears]]''': [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm] ** "I performed at Mom and Dad's party when I was four. Oh my gosh, I was singing a Madonna song and I peed myself." ** "I would really, really, really like to be a legend like Madonna. Madonna knows what to do next, and when she's performing, the audience is just in awe of her." ** "I really love 'Like a Prayer' because it was the first one I learned every word to." (2008). * '''[[Jon Bon Jovi]]''': "Madonna has been incredibly important to the 1980s, musically... a little disco queen who... became an icon." (1990). * '''[[Alice Cooper]]''': "Look at Madonna; she did all the outrageous stuff, but she could sing. She was a great performer! If she got up there and she couldn't sing a lick, I'd go, 'Ok, this is a sideshow.' But, she can really sing." [http://www.noisecreep.com/2010/01/29/alice-cooper-loves-lady-gaga-and-madonna/] * '''[[w:The Androids|The Androids]]''': ** '' "I'd rather do it with Madonna<br/>She's what a woman's supposed to be<br/>Oh Madonna won't you do it with me?<br/>The only girl I'll ever need<br/>She's really got me on my knees<br/>Have you seen that film clip where she's wearing the cowboy hat and she's kicking the dirt." '' (from the song "I'd Rather Do it with Madonna") [http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/androids/doitwithmadonna.html]. * '''[[Robbie Williams]]''': ** "I just want to say how much I enjoyed Madonna's performance. She is an absolute professional and she makes us all look like amateurs." ** "Madonna is the ultimate in our day and age of the grass being greenest. Guy Ritchie is a lucky man. I do happen to fancy Madonna. She rehearses her arse off. Goes to the gym every day. She does all that stuff to get it spot-on and then she delivers. I'm in awe of her drive." [http://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/daily-gossip/default.aspx?id=34877] * '''[[Darren Hayes]]''': ** "I’m fascinated by Madonna of all the famous people I have ever been introduced to, she was the only person who had that thing you imagine that Elvis or Marilyn Monroe had where you walk into a room and all the oxygen disappears in their direction." [http://www.pluggedinonline.com/read/read/a0004062.cfm] ** "You know what? Everyone always talks about her image or her personality or her political stance. But for me it’s actually the voice and the songs. I think she is totally underrated as a vocalist and as a songwriter. She deserves so much more credit for her melodic sense and her emotive voice. I don’t know why people haven’t joined the dots yet but you can pretty much put her in a room with anyone and she’ll come up with the goods. That’s a producer right there. That’s a talent." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=18619] * "What impressed me most? Her stamina, dedication and perfection. Her precision and respect for her body and the craft. What an icon! What a role model for women! I bow down to the one I truly serve!!" [http://www.darrenhayes.com/dh/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=577&Itemid=47] * '''[[Justin Timberlake]]''': ** "Her work ethic is very infectious in the studio. I was kind like, man, I'm too slow. She's a workhorse. I'm just a fan. I'm basically just a fan who, like, tricked Madonna."[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=555] ** "She's a very talented lady, There are definitely moments when I think, wow, I'm singing with Madonna. But she's so cool. She's very clever, very innovative. I was humbled working with her. She's fun to work with and she takes advice. Plus she has an amazing mind." [https://archive.is/20121230155638/www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,22209835-5006024,00.html] ** "There’s only one Madonna. It was amazing. I’m still trying to figure out if she knew we were there, cause I was just constantly staring at her. I became like the weird stalker in the corner!" [http://perezhilton.com/?p=4280#respond] ** "As we were rehearsing she was running circles around me." [http://www.etonline.com/news/2008/11/67472/index.html] ** "The world is full of Madonna wannabes. I might have even dated a couple. But there truly is only one Madonna. Though I’m pretty sure Little Richard would disagree, the truth is that nobody has ever gotten into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame while still looking this damn fine." [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enA4OUzR2XM] ** "People always ask if she is the control freak people say she is. Hell yeah! We had a recording session in London and I wasn't feeling well. She said: 'Would you like a B12 shot?' She reached into her handbag, pulled a zip-lock bag of B12 syringes and says: 'Drop 'em.' I don't know what you say to that, so I dropped my pants. She gave me the shot in my ass and then she looks at me and she says, 'Nice top shelf.' It was one of the greatest days of my life. That is what Madonna will always be to us. The shot in the ass when we really need it." [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiTwqjefrUw] * '''[[George Michael]]''': ** "Madonna has made it difficult for the rest of us but even if I gave myself another five years I'd never be able to fit into that bloody leotard!" [http://www.startrip.tv/george_michael/index.html] ** "In many respects, she's the perfect pop artist." [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&pg=PA94&lpg=PA94&dq=%22she%27s+the+perfect+pop+artist%22&source=web&ots=L055seRr75&sig=tNidX_r1B9xEPHiqeQX8bgp0XFQ&hl=iw&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=2&ct=result#PPA95,M1] * '''[[w:Liz Phair|Liz Phair]]''': "Madonna is the speedboat, and the rest of us are just the Go-Go's on water skis." [http://web.archive.org/19990204000533/www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/Club/2471/lizpeers.html]. * '''[[Cher]]''': "She could afford to be a little more magnanimous and a little less of a cunt." [http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2005/nov/20/popandrock.madonna] * '''[[w:Kylie Minogue|Kylie Minogue]]''': "Madonna's the Queen of Pop, I'm the princess. I'm quite happy with that." [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1] * '''[[Timbaland]]''': "Madonna's a funky lady, she's up for everything." [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/tm_method=full%26objectid=18897798%26siteid=89520-name_page.html]. * '''[[w:Christophe Willem|Christophe Willem]]''': "In music, the one who has reached the tops, it's Madonna." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=17859] * '''[[w:Damon Gough|Damon Gough]]''': ** "I'd like to work on collaborations with some other artists like Madonna. She would be my first choice." [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/badly%20drawn%20boy%20desperate%20to%20work%20with%20madonna_1024002] ** "...I think Madonna might be the only person my girlfriend would forgive me for straying away just overnight with -- because I think she'd do the same." [http://www.rollingstone.com/artists/badlydrawnboy/articles/story/5933746/badly_drawn_blows_off_madonna] * '''[[w:Sophie Ellis-Bextor|Sophie Ellis-Bextor]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=17998] ** "She has this ability to have you in the palm of her hand again. I went to see her last year in the Confessions on a Dance Floor and it was brilliant, it was really inspiring." ** "I think the thing that Madonna does, which I hope I can do, is that she has this ability to come across as quite austere at the beginning …not cold exactly but a little detached. But at the end of it she looks like she’s having a great time - she’s dancing, and you’re dancing, and it’s all great. I think that’s really clever how she gets that dynamic to work. You always feel at the end of it that you’ve somehow won her over. I don’t know, that’s a real…you know what I mean? Not everyone has that." * '''[[w:Susanna Hoffs|Susanna Hoffs]]''': "I think she's really great. I respect and admire her and think she's really talented." (From the book ''"Madonna talking"'' by Mick St. Michael). * '''[[w:Eugene Hutz|Eugene Hutz]]''': ** "Madonna is a funny person, respectful and collaborative. I've been aware for a year that Madonna was a Gogol Bordello fan and in the end, we met trough mutual friends and we spoke a lot." ** "I think she was very good and most of all she was scrupulous, that's something I think it's essential for a director. She knew what she wanted and she gave me total creative freedom, so for me it was an incredible experience." [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=696] * '''[[w:Marc Almond|Marc Almond]]''': "It was a hell-hole. There were prostitutes upstairs, junkies downstairs and it was a bare room with a bed, nylon sheets, and a kitchenette with dirty plates and a lamp. I’ve always felt ashamed she stayed in such a pit. If I’d known in 1983 how big she’d become, I'd have cut up the sheets and sold them on ebay." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=18182][http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=18210] * '''[[w:Tom Meighan|Tom Meighan]]''': "Ooh, Madonna’s thighs! She reminds me of my old dance teacher, who I used to have a crush on. Who didn’t have a huge crush on Madonna when they were a kid? "I’d marry her. If she came for me, I really would." [http://www.pr-inside.com/entertainment-blog/2007/07/09/meighan-marry-me-madonna/] * '''[[Don McLean]]''': "Madonna is a colossus in the music industry and she is going to be considered an important historical figure as well. She is a fine singer, a fine songwriter and record producer, and she has the power to guarantee success with any song she chooses to record. It is a gift for her to have recorded 'American Pie.'I have heard her version and I think it is sensual and mystical. I also feel that she's chosen autobiographical verses that reflect her career and personal history. I hope it will cause people to ask what's happening to music in America. I have received many gifts from God but this is the first time I have ever received a gift from a goddess." [http://music.yahoo.com/read/news/12039019] * '''[[w:Peter Hook|Peter Hook]]''': "Madonna's like a Black Widow spider. She tends to use people, then they shrivel up and disappear. She sat there with her back to us, and Rob went up and said, 'We were wondering if you wanted to appear later at the club', and she just went, 'Fuck off.'" [http://earsucker.com/2009/11/09/peter-hook-calls-madonna-a-black-widow-spider] * '''[[w:Steve Bray|Steve Bray]]''': "If people feel exploited by Madonna - that's resentment of someone who's got drive. It seems like you're leaving people behind or you're stepping on them, and the fact is you're moving and they're not... Madonna doesn't care if she ruffles someone's feathers." [http://www.topix.net/forum/who/madonna/T5650KQUJTGES0EI1] * '''[[Pet Shop Boys]]''': "Madonna always looks ahead, both for looks and sounds, just like we do." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=18386] * '''[[w:Fran Healy|Fran Healy]]''': "I had a massive crush on Madonna when I was a kid, I mean it was huge. It was worrying. I just thought she was amazing." [http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/entertainment/showbiz-news/showbiz-news/2008/10/27/i-used-to-have-crush-on-madonna-admits-travis-star-fran-healy-86908-20844000/] * '''[[Dave Grohl]]''': "...It could be Madonna, if she wants to come do a couple of shots of Jagermeister with her friend Dave she's more than welcome to come into the room and I'll pour her some chilli shots of whisky, it'll be great!" [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/grohl%20wants%20to%20party%20with%20madonna_1029232] * '''[[w:Kim Gordon|Kim Gordon]]''': "She's strong, beautiful and a manipulator. Qualities which makes her to write great songs." [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&weborama=-1#sonic] * '''[[w:Stephen Malkmus|Stephen Malkmus]]''': "She doesn't seem to run out of ideas, does she. I used to love her when I was 14 or so. I had a regular crush on her. I couldn't swear if it was her music that fascinated me, or the generous cleavage. But yeah, she was hot." [http://www.nyrock.com/interviews/pavement_int.htm]. * '''[[w:Pat Boone|Pat Boone]]''': "[Madonna's] a talented tart." [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19901029&slug=1101206] * '''[[Natasha Bedingfield]]''': "I have so much respect for Madonna after learning how hard it is to sing ["Ray of Light"]. She has an amazing voice - the range you need to sing the song is incredible." [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1193] * '''[[w:Annie Lennox|Annie Lennox]]''': "Lo and behold, Madonna's track came back and she'd sung the second verse, which was a huge bonus. I was really touched - for Madonna is very rigorous in what she gets involved in and for her to do that for me, I was thrilled to bits." [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7027966.stm]. * '''[[w:Ludacris|Ludacris]]''': "Madonna was so low key and so incognito that I hardly noticed her, and when I did it kinda caught me by storm. But honestly speaking, she's a really down to earth, really cool individual. I'm glad I got a chance to meet her – rub some of that energy off!" [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines] * '''[[Fergie]]''': "Oh MADONNA! You know, I saw her after her concert and I wanted to give her some positive words but I didn't want to talk too much to her because I understand what it feels like after a show when there's a lot of people in the room who want to see you. I wanted to give her some kind words but I didn't want to take up her time. I really wanted to ask her some more questions but I doubt it would have been as exciting for her as it was for me! But if I ever got the chance to sit down with her I think I'd want to ask her some advice questions and I would love to collaborate with her. That would be amazing." [http://www.ahlanlive.com/7974-fergie-interview?imgN=0] * '''[[w:Gwen Stefani|Gwen Stefani]]''': ** "She's been nothing but nice to me. She's invited me to her house for dinner and clearly she's a huge inspiration to me musically." [http://www.exposay.com/gwen-stefani-says-madonna-invited-her-over-for-dinner/v/6447/] ** "Some people say that I copy her, But show me one girl my age who was not influenced by her." [http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/stefani%20i%20didnt%20copy%20madonna] ** "My grandpa first moved to Detroit from Rome. And my dad's mom's younger sister's husband's mother is a Ciccone [like Madonna]." (Gwen Stefani claiming to be related to Madonna.) [http://www.anecdotage.com/index.php?aid=15727] ** "A lot of my influence came from her early work, like directly, like a Xerox." [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070111/4100/gwen-stefani-madonna-was-my-influence-but-not-impressed/] * '''[[w:Donna De Lory|Donna De Lory]]''': [http://www.deanpiper.com/index.php/interviews/donna-de-lory-exclusive-interview] ** "Pat knew our voices were going to be really good together so he asked us to do the bridge together and we started. She turned her back on me and at one point turned around and was like: “Why aren’t you singing?” and I told her I was and Pat then told her that I was singing and that our voices were in harmony. She then said: “Will you sing on all my records then….” And I was just standing there wondering if I had the job. I got it!" (About auditioning for Madonna). ** "I’ve learned so much from working with her – the power aspect about how to use what you have is an amazing thing. I learn more stuff about myself as I go along." ** "When I first started working with her I just wanted to be like her – I think I misinterpreted a lot of things. The fame. I just tried to be like her and didn’t do things my own way. It was funny looking back on it." ** "Madonna gave me some great advice about my own career and really helped me to go for what I wanted to do – not what a record company told me. She always said I could do it." ** "Madonna wants to make people be a better person now. In the old days it was about her and nothing else – just like I was. We were all self centered. You have to be like that and take those steps to be a better person later down the line. To me you have to grow as you work your way through your life – that’s why we are here. It’s amazing that she can come from that sort of place where she started to being a humanitarian like she is now. Coming from just wanting to be famous and be adored by everything to wanting to love everybody. She’s incredible. It’s a complete turnaround. She wanted to be served by everyone and now she’s serving everyone." * '''[[w:Mika|Mika]]''': "Believe me, if I got asked to work with her, I certainly wouldn’t turn it down. Of all the women I’m fascinated by, she’s certainly up there." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=19552] * '''[[w:Stuart Price|Stuart Price]]''': ** "Madonna is one of the kindest and most reasonable people you could hope to meet." [http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16660933&method=full&siteid=94762&headline=madonna-exclusive--it-s-a-special-relationship-name_page.html] ** "She's the perfect guest - but she did spill coffee on my white carpet by knocking a mug off a keyboard. I was amazed at just how well, using only a kitchen towel, she could draw the coffee out of the white carpet. The technique she had was to never rub, just to gently pad the carpet with the kitchen towel." [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=188&Itemid=9] * "You don't produce Madonna, you collaborate with her. She's a really good producer herself and obviously a great writer too. I've never worked with anyone before who is as genuine and as hands on as an artist as Madonna is. She's has her vision and knows how to get it. What's interesting with this one is that she's picked a DJ to make dance tunes for her to make songs, which is exactly what she's been doing since 1983 - hanging out with DJ's and making records." [http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=188&Itemid=9] * '''[[w:Ciara|Ciara]]''': "She's a tough lady! She's a megastar, and that [media scrutiny] goes with the territory, But she's definitely put her foot down as a woman over the years and she's proven to be one of the best to me." [http://www.okmagazine.com/posts/view/9884/] * '''[[w:Ashanti|Ashanti]]''': "Yeah, Madonna is ''ill''. All the clamps and chains people had on what women can and cannot do — she just broke them. And I really wasn’t up on Madonna until my cousin — who’s six years older than me and my favorite relative on the planet; we’re more like sisters — when I was eight or nine I said, ‘Why you got these posters of that white lady all over your room?’ She's like, ‘This is Madonna!’" [http://popdirt.com/ashanti-gives-props-to-that-white-lady-madonna/8600/] * '''[[w:Pharrell|Pharrell]]''': "She's a little baby tiger cub on the inside but outside she's as tough as anything. Once you are fighting with her you can't let your guard down, she'd beat your ass to a pulp. She could definetely beat me up. But you know, making Madonna cry has just cemented our relationship. We're tight now. Seriously tight. She's probably the best person I've ever collaborated with." (Manchester Free Magazine) [http://www.madonnamad.com/blog/?p=31] * '''[[w:Danja|Danja]]''': "She was cool. She had a dark sense of humor that I can’t explain. She might just say something crazy that you might feel is out of line. But it’s not. It’s just her sense of humor. She was in the studio chilling with us, being open and the whole nine." [http://blog.rhapsody.com/2008/02/exclusive-danja.html]. * '''[[w:Eric West|Eric West]]''': "A lot of people make her out to be arrogant, and not fan friendly, but I can say otherwise, for such a superstar, she makes you feel as if you’re talking to an old friend." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=5011] * '''[[w:Adam Lambert|Adam Lambert]]''': ** "I met Madonna and that was pretty wild. Most everybody I've met is pretty cool and on the level, but Madonna is just legendary. I was definitely the most starstruck with her. I've been a fan of hers since I was a kid. So that's definitely part of the intimidation factor. [http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/06/16/adam-lambert-star-struck-by-meeting-madonna/] ** I really want to work with Madonna. It doesn't seem like a likely pairing, maybe, but I just think that she is so creative and has such vision and her career has been so long because she has been able to come up with something new and keep people guessing and push people's buttons. I like that she's [[relevant]], she's always the next thing, she's always introducing us to the next wave of pop. I just think it would be an honor to work with her." [http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/06/16/adam_lambert_talks_gay_celebrity_crushes] ** "[Madonna] was incredible. I was a bit intimidated, but she was very, very warm. She gave me some advice on how to deal with the fame and the craziness. She said, 'You know, just keep your eye on the prize. Remember what it is that you want to accomplish. And try to ignore all the other crap'." [http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/index.jsp?author=lindsay+miller] ** "...Some people freak out. And I'm like, why are you freaking out? I don't get that mentality. I've never felt like that about a celebrity before — except maybe Madonna. When I met Madonna my heart was racing. That's my one experience being star-struck. And I told her, 'I'm freaking out.' And she said, 'Why?' And I said, 'Because you're fucking Madonna.'" [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/11/16/adam-lambert-wanda-sykes-out-100-cover-stars] * '''[[w:Tracy Chapman|Tracy Chapman]]''': "I was trying to make a case for Madonna the other day, saying that she's to be admired for her longevity in a genre that has mostly been for younger acts. Men are able to sustain a career into their 50s and 60s and still present themselves as sex symbols. With women on the other hand, people say, 'Why doesn't she retire?' It's just so unfair. So I have to give props to Madonna." [http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/oct/31/tracy-chapman-women-pop-usa] * '''[[w:Randy Jackson|Randy Jackson]]''': "Madonna knows the business and her art better than anyone." [http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2008/edition_01-06-2008/In_Step_With...Randy_Jackson] * '''[[Kim Wilde]]''': "I had the top of the charts two years before Madonna came on the scene and stole my thunder. I remember seeing her and thinking, 'Here's trouble'! I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me, but I never disliked her. And I look at her now and think she's amazing. When I started doing yoga, I was inspired to look after my body. Now I love going for long walks, eating healthily and working out with a trainer." [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/wilde%20madonna%20stole%20my%20crown_1067173] * '''[[w:Belinda Carlisle|Belinda Carlisle]]''': ** "I see her at gym quite often. We talk about which aerobics teachers are best. I think I have hyper-gymnasium but she works out much more than I do." [http://members.tripod.com/planeta_madonna/pagina_nueva_3.htm] ** "I struggled with jealousy when Madonna released her great song 'Papa Don't Preach.' From her True Blue album, it was an instant hit that took radio by storm and soared to number one. But my problem was with Madonna herself, not the music. I looked at her body and thought, 'Oh my God, she looks phenomenal and it's because she's skinnier than me. I have to get that skinny." [http://boyculture.typepad.com/boy_culture/2010/05/belinda.html|''Lips Unsealed''] * '''[[w:Robyn|Robyn]]''': ** "Having been a fan of Madonna since I was a little girl, I'm very excited about sharing a stage with her and playing to her audiences…I'm thrilled." [http://zxlcreative.blogs.com/electroqueer/2008/06/robyn-to-suppor.html] ** "I got a chance to go on tour with Madonna in Europe and like any one who's been a fan of her since the age of ten I was super exited. When I met her at the end of the tour she was really cool and natural. I got a chance to thank her for putting me on and she even told me she was a fan! It was a very special moment I will never forget. She's an icon and a pioneer, but only Madonna can be Madonna. It would be sad to try to copy her model. Times are different nowadays as well. Even if I tried, it would be hard to build what she has achieved in the climate of the music industry today. I learned that next to the president of the United States of America, Madonna must be the most famous person on earth whose every little move is watched by millions and a complete security state is surrounding her! Watching her on stage during the tour I could tell that she was really enjoying herself. She is probably doing exactly what she wants to do and that´s why she is so inspiring. I want to be like that as well, I want to be myself." (About the experience of being on tour with Madonna on her ''Sticky and sweet'' tour) [http://perezhilton.com/2008-10-11-a-few-words-from-robynon-madonna#respond] * '''[[Simon Cowell]]''': ** "If you look into Madonna's eyes - or Whitney Houston's when she was at her peak - you see something there that other people haven't got. It's a steel, a sense of 'I am going to do it, whatever happens'. It's not necessarily a good character trait to have, but if you are going to make it in this business, you need it." [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1370] * '''[[w:Katy Perry|Katy Perry]]''': ** "Of course I'd have Madonna's. She is the ultimate in female pop music, and she's like the Energizer bunny. Plus, she's got years on me and she looks my age still. She must have sacrificed something or sold her soul in exchange for continuing to be a world dominator in all things pop culture." (When asked if she could have any musician's career other than her own, whose would it be.) [http://www.popeater.com/2008/06/26/about-to-pop-katy-perry/] ** "It was insane. I freaked out. My eyes swelled up with fluid, with tears, but I didn't cry. I was just very excited." (About when she heard that Madonna is a fan of her track 'Ur So Gay') [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/music/a119416/katy-perry-wants-advice-from-madonna.html?imdb] ** "Madonna invited me to one of her shows - I was summoned by the queen herself. I went backstage and I am never usually nervous but I lost it. I got so weak in the knees and I thought I was going to throw up. But I needn't have worried. She was cool. She was so petite. She comes up to my chest and I thought she was supposed to be a giant." [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a135432/perry-i-nearly-threw-up-on-madonna.html?imdb] * '''[[w:Randy Newman|Randy Newman]]''': "I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear." [http://www.romanization.com/personal/randy/LCRNinterview.html]. * '''[[w:Marina Diamandis|Marina Diamandis]]''': ** "Madonna has always been a great icon for me. I felt I could relate to her. She took about five years to get to the point I'm at. I admire her determination and she challenges people as well, which can change our culture." [http://www.eveningnews24.co.uk/content/eveningnews24/norwich-whats-on-guide/music/story.aspx?brand=ENOnline&category=GoingOutMusic&tBrand=ENOnline&tCategory=xWhatsOn&itemid=NOED12%20Feb%202010%2011%3A19%3A41%3A803] ** "I read every biography on Madonna. It wasn’t just about getting tips. I felt connected with Madonna from a very young age. I think I share a lot of qualities from her personality. I really respect her." [http://www.starpulse.com/news/Stephanie_Nolasco/2011/04/14/marina_and_the_diamonds_talks_burger_q] * '''[[w:Jason Derulo|Jason Derulo]]''': ** "Madonna is the sexiest woman in the world – it’s her confidence and as she gets older she seems to get sexier." [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195/] ** "I’d have to say it’s Madonna. She’s done a very good job of reinventing herself time and again. She’s been able to stand the test of time with every record, and she’s a new person every decade. That’s what I aspire to." (When asked who's the person he looks up to in terms of plotting out your career). [http://derulodaily.com/?p=617] * '''[[Craig David]]''': "Madonna is still sexy and cool. She’s had such an amazing career and has always been able to re-invent herself time and time again, and it’d be fascinating to chat to her about that over a couple of drinks." [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2010/02/14/who-are-the-sexiest-women-on-the-planet-115875-22033195] * '''[[Bette Midler]]''': "She has pulled herself up by her own bra-straps... and has been known to let them down occasionally". [http://skin.bebo.com/Profile.jsp?MemberId=8456631253] * '''[[Carole King]]''': "I think Madonna has a great deal of intelligence and capability. I have a lot of respect for her. She's taken her career and maximized it with intelligence and creativity." [http://www.quotesstar.com/quotes/i/i-like-her-boss-and-155186.html]. * '''[[w:Matthew Bellamy|Matthew Bellamy]]''': "Ambition - whenever I hear the word, in my head, all I can think of is Madonna, for some reason. Very ambitious person and a great artist, certainly explores many avenues to get her name out there. I think she’s a very special lady." [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/09/matthew-bellamy-muse-talks-about-madonna.php] * '''[[w:David Foster|David Foster]]''': ** "Madonna was great to work with because — I never really understood her mystique although I always liked her music. We met in New York, had dinner to discuss the album. And there was something so intoxicating about her. We were just the two of us at dinner and I was looking at her going, ‘Wow, she totally sucks you into her world. It’s like there’s nobody else in the restaurant.’ She had a great work ethic. A lot of artists, they want to be co producers just because they can. She wanted to be a co producer, but she earned it. She really knows her way around a studio. She works hard." [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2005/05/david-foster-talks-about-madonna.php] ** "Working with Madonna was an amazing experience for me. She is such a professional, always on time, her work ethic is unbelievable. I had a great time with her." [http://www.popeater.com/2009/10/07/david-foster-on-whitney-madonna-and-finding-the-next-big-thing/] * '''[[w:Taylor Momsen|Taylor Momsen]]''': [http://www.wwd.com/markets-news/taylor-momsen-talks-madonna-fashion-and-music-3197115?module=today] ** "She's amazing. All her songs are so great. They’re so well crafted and really perfect, pure, pop genius. I'm a big fan of "Papa Don't Preach." I love that song. But really all of it is fantastic. She was the one who did it all first. She gave people like me an avenue to do what I'm doing. She was the one who started all the controversy to begin with." ** "She was very down to earth. It was nice to see after all her success, she's still very grounded. It was cool to see her interaction with Lourdes. She's a cool mom. She shot a couple of the photographs herself at the end. She definitely has a vision and was very hands-on. It was really easy working with her. She's very comfortable to be around — very professional but a lot of fun." * '''[[M.I.A.]]''': ** "Once I discovered pirate radio, that’s what I grew up on. I was listening to Madonna and Paula Abdul and then I heard Public Enemy and Roxanne Shante. It was like, “Woah, what’s going on?” That really blew my mind. Then hearing Jamaican pirate radio—that was really exciting. Hearing Supercat and Mad Cobra seemed really amazing to me." [http://www.hyphenmagazine.com/magazine/issue-6-makeover/rebel-girl] ** "Madonna was truly unique." [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=9&_r=1] ** "Madonna is the one. Madonna did amazing songs. She had an amazing sense of style, without a stylist. And she was flawed, and sometimes she admitted it. I’ll fight the fight for Madonna. [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/30/magazine/30mia-t.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1] ** "Everybody was giving me Madonna records and then everyone was like you should listen to this and try and dress like it and I just never looked like Madonna because I was brown. So I decided to dress like Chuck D instead." [http://misc.vassar.edu/archives/2008/04/exclusive_inter.html] ** "...The first house we stayed in and I watched 'Top of the Pops' and it was like- woah! It was the first music show that I saw on TV. I saw Madonna, Whitney Houston. It was amazing." [http://www.desiclub.com/desimusic/desimusic_features/music_article.cfm?id=202] * '''[[w:Adam Ant|Adam Ant]]''': [http://thequietus.com/articles/04165-adam-ant-interview-oasis-lady-gaga-madonna-punk] ** "There'd be no Gaga without Madonna so let's put it in fucking perspective…" ** "...Madge was doing that when I was doing it, you know? I saw Madonna outside the Music Machine before she even made it. I was doing a gig with the band in like '79. There was this chick outside from New York going 'I'm going to be a star' and it was her! And she's got some fucking balls you know?" ** "She's done as much as Dietrich did for fucking Hollywood stars. She's gone in and said 'Alright. I've been raped. Someone fucking stuck his dick in my gob in a back alley. I got up from that and I went in there and I had a big fight. And I won.' She fucking won, good luck to the woman." * '''[[Jessica Simpson]]''': "I think people are ready to hear something that Madonna used to do. We all need to hear that every now and again. It wasn't a sample or something I meant to do, but she did influence me and still does today. I hope to have the longevity of her career."[http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1537645/20060801/simpson_jessica.jhtml]. * '''Tracy Young''': [http://blogs.miaminewtimes.com/crossfade/2010/12/dj_tracy_young_talks_real_hous.php] ** "It’s hard to pick a favorite. [But] I would have to say Madonna. She is someone I really admire, look up to musically and career-wise. Every choice Madonna has made is mind-blowing to me". [when asked who's her favorite artist to work with] ** "It was symbolic in some ways. I am in a field where you hear “No” a lot, especially because of my gender. So when Madonna and I started working together, it was like, “Yeah, I did it.” And her wedding was an honor to perform at because I felt like she trusted me [with] one of the biggest days of her life. I was completely honored and, to be honest, really nervous". [about DJing at Madonna's wedding] * '''[[w:Christian Thielemann|Christian Thielemann]]''': "I find this woman fascinating. Not just musically... I’d like to get to know Madonna a whole lot better." [https://archive.is/20130628111312/www.artsjournal.com/slippeddisc/2011/01/heres_the_date_from_hell.html]. * '''[[w:John Benitez|John Benitez]]''': "My first impression on meeting Madonna? I thought she had a lot of style. And she crossed over a lot of boundaries 'cos everyone in the rock clubs played her, the black clubs, the gay, the straight... and very few records have that appeal." [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false]. * '''[[Kurt Cobain]]''': "In a way I respect Madonna for the things she introduced because she introduced some subversive things and it has nothing to do with sex as far as I'm concern, I'm talking about the introduction to the vogue dance which originated in the gay clubs in 80', and she was always supportive of stuff like that which I think is really cool." [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDXp8KiAeDk] * '''[[Shirley Manson]]''': "I turned round and it's Madonna, and I'm thinking, 'Fucking hell, it's Madonna!' But I say 'hi' and she grabs my hand and she gives me the famous blink and says, 'I think you're amazing' in that tiny voice she has. And I'm thinking, 'OK, try and be cool, this is possibly the biggest pop icon of our life, be cool'. I tried to say something even remotely understandable and instead just garbled my words. I had high heels on and I hardly ever wear high heels, and I lurched towards her, and I could see the alarm on her face, thinking 'who the hell is this?' And I lurched off flustered without even saying goodbye. I always blow my big moments" [http://www.garbage2.com/shirl_madonna.htm]. * '''[[Kelly Osbourne]]''': "I've always been a huge, huge, huge fan of Madonna, but it completely changed my whole opinion of her -- made me like her even more once I met Lola because she's done a fantastic job with her. Madonna is one of my idols and my first single I ever released was a cover of 'Papa Don't Preach.' To have it come full circle -- now I'm actually doing something with her and her daughter -- it's just kind of like... ahhh!"" [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/kelly-osbourne-sings-madonnas-praises-shes-done-a-fantastic-job-raising-lourdes/57083] * '''[[Lady Gaga]]''': ** "She's the Queen, super theatrical and dramatic on stage, just like Pop Opera. And Madonna...I mean who can really mess with Madonna? Nobody! No, her stage, her videos are always amazing, and her visuals. It's about more than just the music. It's about the passion, it's about the whole package." [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/08/lady-gaga-loves-madonna.html] ** "There is really no one that is a more adoring and loving Madonna fan than me. I am the hugest fan personally and professionally." [http://omg.yahoo.com/news/lady-gaga-addresses-born-this-way-comparisons-to-madonnas-express-yourself-reveals-madonna-has-approved-of-new-song/56412] ** "Madonna is the queen. I have so much and adoration for her. Being compared to her is unbelievably flattering, but in truth there is no one that can compare with Madonna. She is the queen!"[http://ibnlive.in.com/news/i-cant-wait-to-come-to-india-lady-gaga/143405-45-75.html]. * '''[[w:Paul Oakenfold|Paul Oakenfold]]''': "Madonna was without doubt one of the best artists I have ever worked with. She had so many fantastic ideas and really took her music seriously. You can tell that with Madonna, everything is about the music. She's a global name but still works tirelessly in the studio, puts on her best possible live gigs and puts 100 per cent into everything she does. "She's really grounded too and easy to work with." [http://entertainment.stv.tv/music/266265-madonna-works-tirelessly-in-the-studio/] * '''[[w:Brooke Candy|Brooke Candy]]''': "She's so smart, I want to follow in her footsteps." [http://www.mtv.co.uk/brooke-candy/news/brooke-candy-interview] * '''[[w:Alison Goldfrapp|Alison Goldfrapp]]''': ** "I'm always quite starstruck. The first time I met Madonna, I couldn't actually get off the chair to shake her hand. It must have appeared really rude but it was because I was totally gobsmacked that she'd just walked in and made a beeline for me. I don't think I actually managed to get any words out; I just sort of froze and grinned inanely." ** "I don’t like Madonna’s music, but she’s an amazing pop star,’ she says. ‘She’s brilliant at borrowing other people’s ideas." ===Film and Television Industry=== * '''[[Marlene Dietrich]]''': "I played vulgar, she ''is'' vulgar." (Marlene refused to meet Madonna, who wanted to remake ''The Blue Angel'' in the 80s.) <ref> Steven Bach, ''Marlene Dietrich: Life and Legend'' </ref> * '''[[w:Ashton Kutcher|Ashton Kutcher]]''': "Madonna has a project in Malawi where she has genuinely affected the lives of about 250,000 children who are orphaned. I think that's a pretty generous person, not someone who should be criticized. That sort of generosity is pretty admirable." [https://archive.is/20130629220955/www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1401452.php/Ashton_Kutchers_generous_Madonna] * '''[[w:James Franco|James Franco]]''': "After our kiss, Sean texted Madonna and said, 'I just popped my cherry kissing a guy. I thought of you. I don't know why.' " [http://www.out.com/detail.asp?page=3&id=24151 ''Out'' magazine]. * '''[[w:Tony Ward|Tony Ward]]''': [http://rickcastro.com/tonyward.html] ** "THAT LADY. I was never a fan. I saw her in that silly Lucky Star video in the early days of MTV, and I knew I would be reunited with my mother/ lover/ teacher/ friend/ bitch/ cheater/ liar/ goddess/ student/ poetess/ angel/ pain/ tears/ broken-heart/ inspiration/ intrigue/ and human awe. We fell hard immediately too much, too soon for the both of us. In the end, when you love something, let it go." ** "Madonna as a talent? Superior to all; she is a classic. I wish she would sing the standards. That is what her voice is made for. When she would sing around the house, I would close my eyes and melt. I was so privileged to be there." ** "She never knew how I really felt with her, and to put all the stories straight, those unauthorized biographies are all full of lies. You dummies, don't buy it. I was not her toy-boy, or a gift to her from her brother. We just happened to be in the right place at the right time. I love you always, lady." * '''[[Susan Sarandon]]''': "The history of women in popular music can, pretty much, be divided into before and after Madonna." [http://womenshistory.about.com/od/quotes/a/madonna_5.htm]. * '''[[George Clooney]]''': "She's probably everybody's high watermark about learning how to reinvent yourself every few years and continue to stay alive. She without a question the absolute best at that. And she's nice, I like her; she's a friend. She's seems to handle things really well; people can be really tough on you on & off at times and she seems very good at handling it." [http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6gk0r_gwyneth-paltrow-and-george-clooney_news] * '''[[w:Warren Baetty|Warren Baetty]]''': "Madonna is simultaneously touching and more fun than a barrel of monkeys. She's funny and she's gifted in so many areas and has the kind of energy as a performer that can't help but make you engaged." [http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_38T64sfKt3Y/Smo6ku3b8iI/AAAAAAAAGI4/vBPrisYisSY/s1600-h/us_loose_talk_Scan10102.jpg] * '''[[Ethan Hawke]]''': "She transcended being a pop star. She drew international attention and shone the spotlight on a level of racism and the need for greater education." [http://web.archive.org/web/20091113172149/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091031/ap_on_en_ot/eu_romania_ethan_hawke_2] * '''[[w:Dita Von Teese|Dita Von Teese]]''': "Madonna is the only modern celebrity who is truly a style icon. Who else has the audacity to dress like her these days? She really influenced how I wanted to look when I was growing up, and made me realize that I didn’t have to look like a blond beach bunny or a Playboy model." [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/von%20teese%20madonna%20inspired%20me%20to%20be%20individual_1037902] * '''[[w:Esther Rantzen|Esther Rantzen]]''': "I do get very surprised by the venom that I hear about [the] [[w:Kabbalah Centre|Kaballah [Centre]]]. I think part of it is Madonna-envy. It's also about money. People have this feeling that Kaballah Centres make a lot of money. And there is a traditional aspect too in that kaballah is meant to be a secret for married Jewish men. The idea that unmarried Jewish women could learn the secrets is seen as blasphemy."[https://www.thejc.com/life-and-culture/esther-rantzen-older-and-wiser-yn6n9smu] ** Note: "Kaballah" and "Kabbalah" are alternate spellings * '''[[Tom Hardy]]''': "When we had a break Guy asked if I'd like to meet the wife as she was in the car park and he knew I was a fan. So off we trotted. To be honest, I had the shock of my life. There she was in the back of her Range Rover administering a shot of B12 into the arse of Gerald Butler. Believe me. I was completely stunned to be quite honest, stunned - I mean to throw open the door and see that... I knew it would be magnificent to meet her because she's cult - I mean like Elvis - but the last thing I expected to see was her giving Gerard a shot in his bare arse because he wasn't very well. She does it for her dancers, she's trained doing it, so she decided to do it for the actors as well. She was so cool. She just said to Gerard, 'There you go - bosh! That does it.' And while she was doing that she was talking to me about a load of books I should be reading. I was really thrown." [http://www.mirror.co.uk/showbiz/3am/2007/0...89520-19706938/] [http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=19888] * '''[[w:Gerard Butler|Gerard Butler]]''': "She was awesome. She was very, very cool. She played a bit of nurse to me, because I got sick in the middle of the film. She turned up with all these medications. In fact, the first day I met her, she was like, 'So you're the sick one. Take this, take this, take this.' The infection was in my throat and chest and I was really run down. Madonna thought the whole thing out and helped me get better." [http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a97990/madonna-nursed-gerard-butler-on-film-set.html]. * '''[[w:Benjamin Bratt|Benjamin Bratt]]''': "Madonna is one of the only people in the world that can make a straight woman become gay, or a gay man become straight." [http://www.askmen.com/women/singer/5_madonna.html]. * '''[[David Tennant]]''': "She's quite extraordinary. When I was 14, the first single I ever bought was "Like a Virgin". She was kind of my sexual awakening. I had some full-on posters of her on my wall. I don't know what my parents thought. She still looks damn fit." [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/tennant%20madonna%20responsible%20for%20my%20sexual%20awakening_1010988] * '''[[Miley Cyrus]]''': "Madonna always reinvents herself, and that's what I want to do. Whatever comes my way that sounds good, that's what I want to do. Whether it's designing clothes or photography or whatever." [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/cyrus%20i%20want%20to%20be%20the%20next%20madonna_1073345] * '''[[w:Dakota Fanning|Dakota Fanning]]''': "I got to meet her one time and she’s so beautiful in person. I’ve never seen her in concert but I would love to, on her tour. But she’s amazing and I hope that she goes for many, many more years." [http://itn.co.uk/news/b8851c0f0e02b4adc6f0321ff907fa30.html]. * '''[[Hilary Duff]]''': "Oh, [I'm] definitely [a fan]. I grew up listening to Madonna. It feels surreal getting to do a cover of "Material Girl". It's such a great dance song." [http://popdirt.com/hilary-duff-on-madonna/40115/] * '''[[w:Glenn Close|Glenn Close]]''': ** "I admire Madonna. she has so much energy and it's very inspiring to watch someone like that. I have her Confessions album playing a lot in my dressing room, you know, singing and rolling my arms to Hung Up gets me in the mood to go shout at people as Patty Hewes." [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/03/glen-close-on-madonna.html] ** "The album that I have probably played to death though is Madonna ''Confessions on a Dance Floor'', its just such a joyful album for me all the way through you know…genius, I love it and I think she is a... remarkable person, a strong woman and that's empowering." [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/04/glenn-close-on-madge.html]. * '''[[w:Susan Seidelman|Susan Seidelman]]''': "She is an incredibly disciplined person. During the shoot [of ''Desperately Seeking Susan''] we'd often get home at 11 or 12 at night and have to be back on the set by 6 or 7 the next morning. Half the time the driver would pick Madonna up at her health club. She'd get up at 4:30 in the morning to work out first." [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html]. * '''Andy Bird''': ** "She wasn't at all Madonna-ish, in a predatory way. She was warm and affectionate and womanly. She's really very normal: a lovely, traditional, sweet person" ** "We were holding hands, she was taking my arm, pretty much from the outset. It all seemed very natural. I'm a romantic anyway, and she's got a very big heart." [http://www.madonnalicious.com/features/andybird1.html] ** "I used to joke with my friends, 'What do you buy the woman who has everything?' but she was actually really easy to buy presents for. She was always really gracious when she received gifts." ** "She could wear the tattiest pair of jeans and still look good in them. Often she'd walk round the house in just a Hennes vest and look fantastic. She once said to me if she didn't do what she did, she would love to have been in fashion journalism. She is very creative." [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird2.html] ** "She's certainly not one for regrets, She's very forward-looking and positive, as you can see from what she's achieved in her life." [http://madonnalicious.com/features/andybird3.html]. * '''[[w:Trudie Styler|Trudie Styler]]''': "Oh, God! Yes, I had a sense that they'd really like each other and really complement each other and I think they do - they're fantastic parents, and they sparkle when they're together. But I'm not a kiss and tell!" [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1535] * '''[[w:Ricki Lake|Ricki Lake]]''': "I love that Madonna adopted this baby and has brought so much attention to Malawi. She's my hero." [http://www.pr-inside.com/lake-builds-malawian-school-r448362.html]. * '''[[w:Emanuela Rossi|Emanuela Rossi]]''': "I'm a big fan of Madonna, I love her music a lot. I like her persona, her ways to reinvent herself, not being the same all the time. I think it's vital and creative for an artist to look for new ways, new looks, different ways to sing but at the same time keeping those qualities that make you unique. Madonna is also a controversial artist that tends to amaze people in every possible way and the same time I think she's a very authentic person. She looks very visceral to me, also in her quests. She has become quite sophisticated over the years but she stays true to herself and still capable to push people's buttons. I think that's the key of her success." [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=3482] * '''[[Rosie O'Donnell]]''': ** "She is no symbol. She is human. More brilliant than most. The real deal." [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog] ** "Amazing. Inspiring. Magnificent. Fan freaking tastic. That woman; direct connect. A ray of light, again and again." [http://www.rosie.com/askro/default.aspx Rosie's blog] ** "When you don't have a mother, you do everything in your power to be a good mother; it's like the goal of your life. And I think she succeeding, definitely do." [VH1 Behind The Music] * '''[[Will Smith]]''': "Madonna is in really good shape. I actually get a sexy chill every time I think about Madonna." [http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7011503569] * '''[[Al Pacino]]''': "She was doing a dance and she was naked under her coat. Over the course of the dance, she became inspired and opened her coat, and there she was. She has an extraordinarily beautiful body, like cut out of ivory. One day, when I'm old and I'm wheeled out on my porch wrapped in a blanket, if I have a beatific smile on my face, I'll probably be thinking of that." [http://www.celebritymound.com/?p=1250] [http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfgate/detail?blogid=7&entry_id=8532] * '''[[Rupert Everett]]''': [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-403659/Rupert-Everett-Madonna--Material-Girl.html] [http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=2396048&page=1] ** "At 18 I sniffed poppers with Hardy Amies, danced at a nightclub with Rudolf Nureyev and dined in Paris with Andy Warhol and Bianca Jagger. I knew what it was to be drunk on fame by association. Yet everything was a pale imitation of the impact Madonna made on me. We met by chance." ** "When I first met Madonna she really was one of the only women that whether you were gay or straight or an animal she demanded a sexual response some how, something inside her and everybody was turned on by her, everybody!" ** "She was raucous but poised, elegant but common. She had the cupid-bow lips of a silent screen star, and it was obvious that she was playing with Sean underneath the table throughout the meal." ** "She was tiny and luscious with long auburn hair, slightly curled. She sat down. Sean’s forget-me-not eyes watered with adoration. Hers were the palest blue, strangely wide-set, any further and she would look insane, or inbred. When they looked in your direction, you froze." ** "In no way was she conventionally beautiful. She was a bit like a Picasso. When she fixed you with her regard, there was a tenderness and warmth that made your skin bump, but when she looked away, it was like sunbathing on a cold day and suddenly a cloud comes." ** "She was mesmerizing. She oozed sex and demanded a sexual response from everyone. It didn’t matter if you were gay. You were swept up all the same. In those early years there was no male who would not want to bed her." ** "...I lost myself in Madonna’s attention and by the end I had fallen in love." * '''[[w:Gwyneth Paltrow|Gwyneth Paltrow]]''': ** "She's like an older sister. Everything I have gone through, she went through ten times worse and ten times longer. She gives me good advice about how to say no and take care of myself." [http://www.elizabeth.actressarchives.com/news.php?id=3072] ** "She’s always been committed to helping. In a big picture way, she’s the most generous person in the world and she’s always thinking about how she can help. Malawi’s become very close to her heart, obviously as her son is from Malawi, and she’s spent a lot of time and dedication doing what she can." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=19702] ** "Madonna Ciccone rules the world, is a loyal friend and a terrific mother." [http://goop.com/newsletter/18] ** "She's a great woman. She's got a lot of wisdom. We just have fun together. She works on herself harder than anybody else I've met. We do share that and we're both public women. We are both perfectionists." [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/paltrow%20values%20madonnas%20friendship_1068956] * '''[[Helen Mirren]]''': "The thing that was imposed on me from the outside was crude and vulgar and distressful to me, and disturbing - that big tits, blonde hair, Diana Dors, blowsy kind of thing. (But) I think Madonna got it right. Madonna claimed it for herself, and I've always admired her for that. I loved that 'Sex' book she did. I thought it was fantastic, because it was a big two fingers up, 'This is my sexuality, it's not what you put on me, it's mine'." [http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20070124/4306/helen-mirren-i-love-madonnas-brand-of-sexuality/] * '''[[w:Ricky Gervais|Ricky Gervais]]''': "The Mercer. It's just nice. Really cool. I turned up there last time, and there were about 20 paparazzi going, 'Ricky,' 'Ricky,' 'Ricky.' And I said, 'What are you doin' here?' 'We're here to see you.' I said, 'What [are] you really here for?' And they went, 'Madonna.' They were nice, but I knew the truth. Why would they be there for me?" [https://archive.is/20130630013515/www.nypost.com/seven/01302007/entertainment/travel/celebs_and_the_city_travel_.htm]. * '''[[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]]''': "I jokingly refer to Madonna being my template in making my decisions, because she’s the best at reinventing herself. Every two years she reinvents herself. [That's why] she still is where she is after 20 years. I think that that’s a smart thing." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=17566] * '''[[w:Charlotte Gainsbourg|Charlotte Gainsbourg]]''': "Madonna was incredibly quick and professional. I was unable to say anything else than 'Hello','I’ll listen to it' and 'Good-bye' [when she asked to use a few lines from "The Cement Garden" for her song, "What it Feels Like for a Girl"]. That was incredibly stupid of me. Madonna was the idol of my youth and I grew up listening to her music." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=18126] * '''[[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]]''': ** "She was very exact and particular about what she wanted as a director and she was very impressive."[http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=672] ** "She is somebody who is so determined to stretch in every direction and I really admire that. Believe me, the number of directors that I have worked with who don't have half her ability makes me believe she has a real talent."[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml?xml=/opinion/2007/06/10/dp1001.xml]. * '''[[w:Alan Parker|Alan Parker]]''': "She worked out her moves in the mirror the night before we’d shoot. She would work so hard. She was not someone who went out clubbing every night. She was the one who said, ‘I want to be there at 5.30 in the morning so I have enough time to get the hair and make-up right.’ So before the crew had even arrived, she would be there. By the time she arrived at the set she was smiling and she did her job. And she did her job brilliantly." [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article1671737.ece]. * '''[[w:Jon Lovitz|Jon Lovitz]]''': [http://www.avclub.com/articles/jon-lovitz,49464/] ** "She would show up and she’d have already run eight miles. And then they’d do the practice and she’d stay after another hour and hit. Her work ethic is fantastic." ** "I like her a lot. I saw her about five years ago, and I told her, “I feel like my career started with you, and I have a fond place for you in my heart.” And mine did start with her. The first thing I ever did was with her. And she goes, “I know, I feel the same way about you." *'''[[w:Susan seidelman|Susan seidelman]]''': "She's the kind of person that really does get up at five in the morning to go swimming. She wasn't at all prima donna-ish. She wasn't one of those people that want to be alone and sit in their trailer the whole time. I think she has much more of a sense of humor that people give her credit for. Too many people take that femme fetale stuff at face value." [http://books.google.co.il/books?id=Cjea8TsM0hkC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false]. * '''[[Sarah Jessica Parker]]''': ** "Madonna's probably the most disciplined person around and so I can only pale in comparison. It's just too impressive." [http://people.monstersandcritics.com/news/article_1341761.php/Food_lover_Sarah_Jessica_Parker] ** "Madonna, she is a strong woman, I met her before her show in New York in 2004, she was amazing, very friendly and super cool, that show was awesome, she is a true icon, had to hold myself back from really stalking her. I so wish we could have got her on the show [''Sex & The city''], she would have been amazing, as for her acting ability, her presence on screen is just mesmerizing, check out her Vogue, Rain and Bad Girl video's, these are some of my favourite Madonna songs and the videos are amazing." (When asked if there's anybody she admires) [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2008/12/sarah-jessica-parker-on-madonna.html]. * '''[[w:Ellen Pompeo|Ellen Pompeo]]''': ** "For the first time I saw Madonna when she first came out and she was on television talking and singing songs about her mother and how her mother had passed and how sad she was. And it dawned on me 'oh that's what happened to me, my mother died'. And it makes you terribly sad and that's why I'm so unhappy and it's okay to talk about it and it's okay to grieve and I should be sad and I should be upset and I should be allowed to go through these things. So I did go through that process because of Madonna, because I saw her talking about it and singing about it, I was able to understand what happened to me and work through it and use my experiences in my favour to give me a lot of what I draw from when I act." [http://nz.entertainment.yahoo.com/070620/6/o0b.html] ** "She's the only person I've ever approached - she had such an impact on my life as a kid. She lost her mother too and came on MTV when I was 13 saying it was OK to be sad. Our family had handled my mother's death in a traditional, never-speak-of-her-again kind of way. It was only when I heard Madonna that I thought, 'That's it. I've never really grieved for my mother.' She gave me permission to do that and I wanted her to know how much it had helped me. She's just fantastic." [http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/pompeo%20inspired%20by%20madonna_1006887] * '''[[w:Kelly Ripa|Kelly Ripa]]''': "I think she's used to people gushing over her and all of that, but I think she quickly sort of came to realize that yes, in fact I do go to every concert. The last concert she did, we made eye contact. Okay, in my mind it was eye contact. Madonna has no recollection, but I know she stared at me. There's something about her. I think she's very clever and witty. She's really funny. She's really down to earth when she's here. And I just love that about her. And I love looking at her because she's a physical specimen. [http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20055234,00.html]. * '''[[w:Debi Mazar|Debi Mazar]]''': ** "We’ve always been friends. Our friendship has always been very deep and... We get into it! We’re both Leo’s, we’re both born in August. But, in terms of being friends, we keep it real." [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKRd3btfHiA] * '''[[Alicia Silverstone]]''': "I'd die if I was Madonna. I'd die. God, what a horrible way to live. And Michael Jackson! To be so famous and to feel so isolated. I feel so bad for them. I don't know how it feels, and I hope it never happens to me." [http://www.celebrities-photo.com/alicia-silverstone.html]. * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''': "It was terrifying, It was like kissing the Eiffel Tower in terms of how famous she is." [about making out with Madonna for tv skit] [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=171680&in_page_id=7&in_a_source=] * '''[[w:Pedro Almodóvar|Pedro Almodóvar]]''': "When she came with her Blond Ambition tour I prepared a dinner for her, and that little thief didn’t tell us that everything she was recording was going to be part of her film. Madonna was asking for Antonio Banderas’ phone number all the time, because she wanted to screw him and I never gave it to her. When she went out jogging she always had her six bodyguards and I told her: 'Madonna, babe, this kind of things are not very attractive here in Spain.' In this country, that thing about bodyguards is like an offense, nobody is going to shoot Madonna or whoever in Spain. But in United States bodyguards seem to be, like a part of the body of the star. She asked me if I didn't have bodyguards and I said 'I would only have them to fuck them'." [http://allaboutmadonna.com/2009/03/pedro-almodovar-on-madonna.php] * '''[[Quentin Tarantino]]''': ** "I’ve always said that Madonna has gotten a bad rap. She was the only actor who knew what she was doing in ‘Dick Tracy’. She was my favorite in ‘A League of Their Own’. If I had something right for her, I would totally cast her." [http://popdirt.com/quentin-tarantino-wants-madonna-in-one-of-his-movies/27851/] ** "I guess I’ll have to marry Elvis Presley to get even." (About Guy Ritchie marrying Madonna) [http://alltopmovies.com/top-10-most-outrageous-quentin-tarantino-quotes] * '''[[w:Rachel Weisz|Rachel Weisz]]''': "I think Madonna’s amazing. She constantly reinvents herself and I just went to see her art show in New York the other day and that was great." [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/International_Buzz/Im_incredibly_messyRachel_Weisz_/articleshow/2645117.cms] * '''[[w:Rex Lee|Rex Lee]]''': "Remember when Madonna was first on American Bandstand and she told Dick Clark she wanted to rule the world? Well I don't want to rule the world, but I want to make my mark on the world... You know what? I'm lying. I do want to rule the world." [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1447] * '''[[Tom Cruise]]''': "I've known Madonna for years. I really admire her." [http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2008-02-07-madonna_malawi_N.htm]. * '''[[w:Michael C. Hall|Michael C. Hall]]''': "I caught Madonna live in Miami last year. It was a kick ass show; truly amazing. Her stage presence left me speechless, I just loved it." [http://madge-tribe.blogspot.com/2009/02/michael-c-hall-on-madonna.html]. * '''[[w:Tim Vincent|Tim Vincent]]''': "I get to meet some very, very beautiful ladies through my job. Madonna is very sexy and she really flirted with me, which was amazing." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=19538] * '''[[w:Rosanna Arquette|Rosanna Arquette]]''': "It suddenly just exploded overnight; you know, she was everywhere. And they started kind of rewriting the script for that, to tailor-make it for her in those moments. And here she is, still at it. She's 50 years old – almost 50 and rocking on. I think that's great." [http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/Television/article/409956] * '''[[w:Denise Richards|Denise Richards]]''': "You feel lazy watching her because you gotta get off your butt and just work, [She] is really an inspiration for everyone." [http://www.usmagazine.com/news/denise-richards-madonna-makes-me-feel-lazy] * '''[[w:Anthea Turner|Anthea Turner]]''': "I've got a huge amount of respect for Madonna - she's often labeled a control freak but she's just a perfectionist. There's a difference between looking tacky and artistic, and I think Madonna looks incredible. You can celebrate your body whatever age you are - there's no limit." [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/celebritynews/4348665/Anthea-Turner-does-a-Madonna-in-revealing-photo-shoot.html]. * '''Nathan Rissman''': It was amazing working with Madonna. She does everything 100 per cent, and so to be involved in what she was doing, for her to let me go forward and make this project was amazing. She's been involved creatively on every aspect. She knows pictures, she knows sound, she's really, really good. The most memorable thing about working with Madonna is seeing her in the village - seeing her really letting go of that celebrity status, really spending time with people, getting her feet dirty, and dancing, singing and crying with people. It was amazing to see her take on that new character. Madonna really wanted to bring some awareness to Malawi, and she really believed in me. [http://www.metro.co.uk/fame/article.html?in_article_id=144651&in_page_id=7&in_a_source=] * '''[[w:Malin Akerman|Malin Akerman]]''': "I got ice cream cones and put them on my boobs. I wanted to be just like her." [http://www.style.com/peopleparties/parties/scoop/newyork-101408FILT/] * '''[[Lindsay Lohan]]''': ** "Timeless. She is just timeless." [https://archive.is/20130630011433/www.nypost.com/pagesixmag/issues/20081116/Trend+Madonnas+Mad+Mad+World] ** "When I was little, every day after school I would come home and put in her The Immaculate Collection disc and karaoke to it around the whole house." [http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2009/03/american-icons?slide=9] * '''[[w:Emmanuelle Seigner|Emmanuelle Seigner]]''': "I like her boss and ultra-feminist side. I hate the concept of "femme-objet", and the idea that women are still maltreated in certain parts of the world irritates me." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=17760] * '''[[w:Toby Kebbell|Toby Kebbell]]''': "She's gorgeous. A lovely, stunning woman." [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20223682,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines] * '''[[Michael Parkinson]]''': "She turned out to be so bright, frank and funny it made you wonder what the previous debate had been about. Hers is an extraordinary story of determination and hard work and the perfect antidote to the celebrity pap fed to today's wannabes. Anyone wanting to succeed in the music business, or indeed any other business, should watch the interview and learn what it really takes to get to the top." [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1065418/Parkinson-Madonna-Robert-Mitchum-drug-offer-I-refuse.html]. * '''Stephen Jon Lewicki''': "That woman has more sensuality in her ear than most women have anywhere on their bodies." [http://www.fast-rewind.com/making_certainsacrifice.htm]. * '''[[Michael Moore]]''': ** "If we had a royal system she'd be the queen of Michigan and all the Michiganders would Bow down to her, and I'm not kidding. She's a person with a good heart; she does a lot of good for other people. I really admire her." (From E! News). ** "She's one of the most caring and generous people I've met." [http://www.record-eagle.com/local/local_story_144100317.html] ** "She spent the past couple of years filming what the people go through, and the efforts to help them, I saw the film about a month ago. It's a fantastic, powerful movie." (About the film ''[[w:I Am Because We Are|I Am Because We Are]]'') ** "She's sort of entered my realm. When I saw it [''I Am Because We Are''], I thought, 'Wow, it's like she's been making these films for years." [http://web.archive.org/web/20121022200541/http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/chi-ap-mi-madonna-moore,0,1510918.story] ** "[She's] one of the smartest people I know." [I'm] humbled to be able to call Madonna a friend. She has such an incredible heart and such a generous spirit. She does so much out of the glare of the lights to make the world a better place." [http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080803/ENT01/808030588] [http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080803/ap_on_en_mu/people_film_festival_madonna] * '''[[w:Andrea Riseborough|Andrea Riseborough]]''': ** "She's just a lovely woman. My first experience of her was a very nice cup of Earl Grey in a living room in her house. That's how we talked about doing something together and it was really artistically a very complicit relationship throughout." ** "Madonna has an infectious passion for all sorts of things and she's very worldly. She has a real wisdom." [http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpress/article/ALeqM5jqixj8n--BhKFzFCYe5St6VQVSbA?docId=N0422501296235367281A] ** "You may think you know somebody like that. But of course you never really know them until you actually meet them. And she is absolutely wonderful. She is so strong. She is such an endless inspiration." [http://web.archive.org/web/20110210211115/http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/weekend/2011/0205/1224289050405.html]. * '''[[w:Natalie Dormer|Natalie Dormer]]''': "Madonna is a woman of great vision and passion and focus - she is a force to be reckoned with, as you would imagine and she has a brilliant eye." [http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/entertainment/film-tv/news/dormer-on-madonnas-directing-style-15096546.html#ixzz1F0I2MDOX] * '''[[w:Christoph Waltz|Christoph Waltz]]''': "It was fantastic (partying with Madonna). Everyone was there. I fought my way through because I mean, this is the hostess, the least I can do is thank her for the invitation. It was difficult, it took me about an hour and a half... In the end, I got there, and apparently I was standing right in front of her. You know, I looked for Madonna and there was this chick dancing, 'Where's Madonna?' (pointing at the girl). That was her, she was dancing like... I thought she was, you know, 23-24." [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WP1WWK70fw] * '''[[w:David Fincher|David Fincher]]''': "Madonna is my Vatican. She’s my Sistine Chapel." [http://www.madonnarama.com/posts-en/2010/10/12/david-fincher-on-madonna-shes-my-vatican] * '''[[Marcia Cross]]''': "We used to swim at the same pool. She’d get out and put all this jewelry on - and I’d go home with my wet hair." * '''[[w:Julia Roberts|Julia Roberts]]''': “I got her new album – it`s amazing,” she says. “I really respect and admire her.” [http://aboutjulia.com/site/2005/11/julia-roberts-would-love-to-work-with-madonna/] ===Fashion industry=== * '''[[w:Bert Stern|Bert Stern]]''': "Madonna is gorgeous, the most beautiful eyes you ever saw. A little rough around the edges. She's a tough chick. She spits it out. She has her own agenda. It manifests in the pictures." [http://dir.salon.com/story/sex/feature/2001/08/14/marilyn/index2.html]. * '''[[w:Dolce & Gabbana|Dolce & Gabbana]]''': [http://web.archive.org/20091115135959/madonna-by-letizia.over-blog.com/article-d-g-1-38981426.html] ** "We were in love with her at that time. We always have been. We wondered to ourselves if she’d ever wear Dolce & Gabbana and we’d ever get the opportunity to express our admiration for her in person, let her know how inspiring and express the gratitude that all fans feel when they meet their idol... our idol. An exaggerated word I know, but I think it’s the correct one where Madonna is concerned! The summer came and went, and one day in September our press office received a page from the International Herald Tribune with a photo of Madonna. She was in Paris, dressed in all black and all Dolce & Gabbana. We were incredibly emotional; Domenico and I still consider this moment today as one of the most intensive of our career. It seemed like a lucky gift for two Madonna fans, and we couldn’t ask for more." ** " We arrived early [to meet Madonna], our legs were shaking, and we were incredibly nervous. At that time you could still smoke inside restaurants, and I must have smoked about half a pack of cigarettes whilst I was waiting. Madonna arrived right on time. She was on the set of the film Dick Tracey then, and arrived dressed as a man with make-up like Marlene Dietrich." ** "She was sweet and kind, and immediately put us at ease, telling us how much she loved our work, how she loved Italy, and that she was originally from Abruzzo. She was curious to know more about our career, how we’d started, how we worked, where we drew our inspiration from, Sicilian women, Dolce Vita, pop culture and the era of the eighties that had just finished. We didn’t hide our admiration for her for even a minute; we felt a reciprocal kindness, and pretty soon, the lunch developed into one between friends, full of ironic jokes and compliments. We admired her more that we thought possible as fans. We felt like the luckiest fans in the world. We’d met a wonderful person, and above all, a new friend." * '''[[w:Christian Audigier|Christian Audigier]]''': "She is really all about the detail. She knows exactly what she likes and is always proposing ideas to us. After that she decides whether she wants to add shoes or other things. She's like me, when it's a, 'Yes,' it's a big, 'Yes.' When it's a, 'No,' it's a definite, 'No!' I like people like that, a lot of people are really critical but never give a solution. She is not like that." [https://archive.is/20130629215144/www.monstersandcritics.com/lifestyle/fashion/news/article_1487263.php/Madonnas_ageless_clothes%23ixzz0KU9scxSQ&D] * '''[[w:Jean-Baptiste Mondino|Jean-Baptiste Mondino]]''': "She's John Lennon and Yoko Ono at the same time". [http://www.buy-web-traffic.net]. * '''[[w:Donatella Versace|Donatella Versace]]''': ** "She's one of the most loyal friends I have. When my brother died, the first person that I got a phone call from was Madonna; she said she's there for me in anything I need." ([[w:Behind_the_Music|VH1 Behind The Music]]) ** "She inspires me a lot. I made all my Winter collection listening to "Confessions on a Dance Floor." ** "The word 'icon' is overused, but in the case of Madonna I believe it has some meaning. She is a true icon. She has become a symbol of modern womanhood - confident, ambitious, dynamic, constantly reinventing herself. She is also a friend of mine and my late brother Gianni so there is a sense in which she symbolized the way in which Versace was staying true to its DNA, while evolving for the 21st century." [http://www.thecheers.org/news/Celebrity/news_6956_Donatella-Versace-thinks-Madonna-is-a-symbol-of-modern-womanhood.html]. * '''[[w:Amy Arbus|Amy Arbus]]''': "Madonna just wandered along like everyone else. I recognized her as the girl who went to my gym — as the girl who would sit around naked longest in the locker room. Now that I think back on it, how could either of us have afforded a gym membership? She still had a last name at that point, and when I told her I worked for the ''Voice'', she said, 'Oh, that’s so funny. They’re reviewing my first single this week.' I recently looked back—it only took six frames to get that picture. I just think the look on her face is so prescient—it really has a sense of knowing what’s in store for her." [http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/galleries/on_the_street/] * '''[[w:Frida Giannini|Frida Giannini]]''': "Meeting Madonna for the very first time was a shock. She was a myth to me. She was the first poster I hung on my room's wall when I was 14. And then I found herself in front of me, shook her hand. Her immense mediatic power still impresses me. Only to mention that the laminated jacket we made in twelve different versions for her last tour ended up being one of the season's best-sellers would be enough." [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1683] * '''[[w:Jean-Paul Gaultier|Jean-Paul Gaultier]]''': [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2008/look_131008.jpg] ** "I proposed to Madonna three times, but she refused all the time. Always in very a polite way. She's the only woman I would ever have married. I find her attractive sexually. ** "She's still provocative and aggressive. She went mystical and does yoga, and she's a good mother, so of course she's changed. She's still rebellious, though. When she doesn't like something, she says it." * '''[[w:Jenny Shimizu|Jenny Shimizu]]''': ** "Madonna’s a wonderful woman. When I first got to New York, I knew very little, and she knew all about the city — she was a wonderful kind of tour guide" [http://justjared.buzznet.com/2009/02/26/jenny-shimizu-make-me-a-supermodel/] ** "I actually stayed at Madonna's house in New York City for a short bit when I was in the process of moving between lofts. She let me stay there again, when I moved back to LA and was looking for a place to live. She has a lot of houses all over. So when she's not there or if she's there, she's very kind that way, very generous." [http://www.giantrobot.com/issues/issue10/jenny/] ** "From the age of 14 I'd watched her videos and thought, ‘I'm going to have sex with that gorgeous woman one day.' For hours we explored each others bodies, kissing every inch. Far from the domineering, sex-crazed woman many think she is, I found her a very gentle lover. It wasn't about whips and chains. Madonna wanted someone she could trust to call when she wanted pleasuring right there and then. I was her secret ‘booty call' available any time of the day or night for secret sex sessions. This woman exuded raw sex appeal and I couldn't get enough of her. I loved the fact I was at this woman's beck and call. It turned me on being ordered to her room whenever she felt like sex." [http://xrrf.blogspot.com/2006/04/i-was-madonnas-booty-call.html] [http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/173876.php] * '''[[w:Lee Friedlander|Lee Friedlander]]''': "[She] seemed very confident, a street-wise girl. She told me she was putting a band together but half the kids that age are doing that. She was a good professional model." [http://web.archive.org/web/20090119070252/news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090116/ap_en_ot/madonna_auction] * '''[[Marc Jacobs]]''' ** "I wanted the campaign to be very bold, very sensual and very atmospheric. To carry off all these references and all this sophistication, we needed the ultimate performer and for me, that is Madonna." [http://fashion.glam.com/blogs/fashiontribes_daily/madonna_strikes_the_pose_for_louis_vuitton/?cat=Fashion] ** "I was totally just blown away by it, and moved by her performance, by what she had to say, and her energy. She’s so sure of herself as an icon and as a woman. What fascinates me the most about her is her never-ending energy, and the idea of becoming and changing. She’s an artist who’s unafraid to use her voice." [http://www.wwd.com/media-news/fashion-memopad/madonna-and-marc-mslo-exit-1877806] (About the desire to hire Madonna in Louis Vuitton's fashion advertising campaign after attending her [[w:sticky and Sweet Tour|Sticky & Sweet]] concert). * '''[[w:Natassia Malthe|Natassia Malthe]]''': "I'm a fan of Madonna's. I've followed her since I was 10. I'm a huge fan of hers - which woman isn't? She's such a strong person, she's just so different from anybody else. She's sustained herself in this business. I go to everything that is Madonna, she is just an amazing human being." [http://www.dailystar.co.uk/gossip/view/35994/Madonna-documentary-premieres-in-NY/] * '''[[w:Steven Klein|Steven Klein]]''': "[Madonna] is very clear, surprisingly focused in conceiving innovative pictures. When you think about it you never see her back, you rarely see anyone's back in a photograph and it's fascinating to show its muscular structure". [http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/visual_arts/article1310737.ece]. * '''[[w:Fabian Baron|Fabian Baron]]''': "She's very imposing and knows what she wants. She's very informed and opinionated, which makes her genius. She takes you in and swallows you up—and you don't mind it, you actually enjoy it. There's an unspoken seduction that goes on. I was young, She was young, too, and beautiful. She knows what she's doing. And such drive. Some people want to lift stones and see what's under it. She'll be on a beach with millions of stones and want to lift every one of them." [http://www.hintmag.com/hinterview/fabienbaron/fabienbaron2.php] * '''[[w:Herb Ritts|Herb Ritts]]''': "I've always said that if you didn't know Madonna necessarily, you'd still be curious about the woman in the photograph." [http://www.herbritts.com/about/interview/?page=04] ===Publishing industry=== * '''[[w:Gregory David Roberts|Gregory David Roberts]]''': "She was so unfussy. I think the thing about Madonna is that she's tremendously intelligent. She's fiercely intelligent; she's very sharp, very funny, very witty, very quick and will not accept second best. She will pick you up immediately in a conversation and defend her position and will put it forward with a rigorous intelligence. I think it's intimidating to a lot of people - I love it! For me it can't get any better than that, so I loved that about her, but I do think a lot of people are intimidated by her and reading it as something that it's not. It's simply a fierce intelligence. She's one of the smartest people you could ever meet." [http://edition.cnn.com/video/#/video/international/2009/06/18/rao.ta.shantaram.cnn?iref=videosearch] * '''Jeffrey Fulvimari''': "There is only one thing to do with someone as special as Madonna....celebrate her. She told us so in one of her very first songs! But, mostly, she gives us something more to adore every year, and aside from making huge hits, her work in Malawi is something for everyone to emulate. Working with her is a dream come true!!! She has Never ever treated me in any other way but professionally, and with respect. I mean, gosh when the Queen of Pop loves what you do, there's no better feeling!! I really concentrate on the fact that these books are bringing a better life to those most in need in the world, and until more celebrities (and celebrity photographers) step up and do the charitable works she is doing, they cannot speak an ill word about her. People need to stop copying her videos and performances, and copy what really means the most to her...'Raising Malawi'! That's what it's all about!" [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=jeffrey_fulvimari] * '''[[w:Lucy O'Brien|Lucy O'Brien]]''': ** "I feel that she has constantly conveyed a message of empowerment to women - that women don't have to seek approval before doing something, that they can be bold and brave and fulfill their potential - and that's very inspiring. She has also been vocal in her support of gay politics and latterly, has become involved in the fight against global poverty. In pop culture terms, she has been hugely influential - very few pop artists are so determined and outspoken. [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/lucy_obrien.htm] ** "Madonna is a force of nature above and beyond the art she creates. It is as if we consume her rather that her music, even when her music is great." [http://madonnajam.iespana.es/said.html?0&weborama=-1#qm]. * '''[[Paulo Coelho]]''': "Today is late Sunday and I just returned from the show of Madonna. And what did I see? A young 50 year-old dancing like a child, a queen, a teenager. It got me thinking about the fact that I believe we are aging differently from the previous generations. I remember for instance my parents at the age of 50 and they were already old, and more importantly they considered themselves as already old." [http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2008/09/22/madonna-and-us/] ===Live entertainment=== * '''Christopher Flynn''': "She was kind of far-out. One of the best students I've ever had, a very worldly sort of woman even as a child. We would go to gay bars, and she and I would go out and dance our asses off. People would clear away and let her go." [http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20090144,00.html]. * '''[[w:Camille Barbone|Camille Barbone]]''': [http://community.seattletimes.nwsource.com/archive/?date=19911105&slug=1315402] ** "Madonna loves beautiful women and she is into anyone sexually, male or female, who is beautiful." ** "She loves sex and would go after any man she wanted. There's a strong maleness in Madonna. She seduces men the way men seduce women." ** "Men were always overwhelmed by Madonna. She's seductive and alluring. She has an amazing ability to manipulate men, based on her sensuality and the possibility of sexual favors. The entourage of young men she had hanging around was just waiting to get into bed with her. But she was a great tease. She kept them at a distance, but always interested and intrigued." * '''[[w:Bernard Manning|Bernard Manning]]''': "Madonna? Lovely. Oh yes. Nice skin. You could tell she wasn't a scrubber." [http://www.highbeam.com/doc/1G1-82635173.html]. * '''[[Sandra Bernhard]]''': "...I run into [Madonna] all the time, so it's not like there's any irresolvable strangeness. I like to think of the time when we were hanging out as the end of an era. We played out our friendship in the public forum, but it wasn't drunken or irresponsible airheads hanging out - she's a smart lady and I'm obviously my own brand of intellectual." [http://observer.guardian.co.uk/magazine/story/0,,2153856,00.html]. * '''[[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]]''': "Madonna, the original MILF." [http://mario.jaiku.com/presence/6234543] * '''Carlton Wilborn''': [http://www.madonnatribe.com/idol/carlton.htm] ** "Madonna was really a Lady to me. At least how she dealt with me, I don't know how any of the other dancers felt about her. Inside of her rigid perfectionist, artistic brain there was a real elegance about her. The way that she lived her private life... that's one of the things I was surprised by. I would have thought that she would have had a much more avant-guard private life and she really didn't at all. She was very classy in her private life." ** "My fondest memory of Madonna has nothing to do with tours. My fondest memory of Madonna happened in 1995 when I was having a really hard time in my career, Madonna became aware of that and she allowed me to live for a few months in the castle that she had in Hollywood. I stayed there three months, she was out of town for the majority of that time. I will always be in debit to Madonna no matter what. It was a real hard time for me and she reached out in a way she really didn't have to. She could have helped me in other ways but the fact that she truly, truly, let me know that she trusted me in her personal space at that degree really meant a lot to me." * '''[[w:Sofia Boutella|Sofia Boutella]]''': "Amazing. It was really hard work, but it has helped me to know myself a little bit more, I really like Madonna because she is a tireless worker." [http://www.madonnatribe.com/news/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=1214] * '''[[w:Criss Angel|Criss Angel]]''': "Madonna is a tremendous example of someone who went to NY with couple of dollars in her pocket and an enormous dream to conquer the world. She did whatever she had to do until she hit the big time. I admired her commitment and determination. She clearly understood what her market wanted in a performer. She's a great example of someone who developed a unique style, look, and brand and then marketed herself as a total package, filling a void that everyone else bought in to and tried to copy. She's an innovative genius." [http://i37.tinypic.com/j9lyiq.jpg] * '''[[w:Dennis Rodman|Dennis Rodman]]''': ''Bad as I Wanna Be'' ** "Whenever I was with her I always knew I was around a woman who had power and knew how to wield it. She is a big-time businesswoman, and she knows exactly what she wants. ** "She's a great lady. If you watch her on TV or in her videos, you get the perception of her as a real hard person who says "Fuck" for twenty minutes on David Letterman. In person, she's nothing like that. I don't remember her swearing to excess when we were out together. She always handled herself elegantly." * '''[[w:Florence Foresti|Florence Foresti]]''': [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=17976] ** "Madonna's my idol and the incarnation of the ultimate star, with what we can imagine of requirement, dictatorship." ** "Each year, I wait for three rendez-vous with same impatience: Woody Allen's last movie, the CD or the concert by Madonna and the new book by Philippe Djan." ** "Since I am a teenager, I am a fan of Madonna. I admire her determination, her talent, I know her career by heart. To prepare this parody, I saw a documentary again, in order to prepare the expressions of her face. I put the accent on her Diva side, whose desires are orders. A little jacket, a leotard, shoes, I copied her look from her album "Confessions on a Dance Floor", inspired by the beginning of the eighties. Dressed as my idol, I was happy as a kid who put a costume of Superman!" * '''[[w:Jamie King|Jamie King]]''': "She's confident, sensual and strong, but I like to bring out her vulnerability as well." [http://www.madonnalicious.com/images/extra/2007/thedailynews_020407.jpg] * '''Yuki Matsumoto''': "Madonna inspires creativity and expressions beyond gender, religion, race, nationality, culture and all borders. "Madonna’s philosophy and originality always invigorates the world audience every time she produces a new album. Conventions and trends are challenged and redefined for the new values. "Madonna is in sync with nature and balances her lifestyle to achieve her best physical and mental conditions. Her ever innovative spirits are in tune with her respect of nature. Despite her celebrity and never ending professional activities, Madonna always says FAMILY FIRST. Love and respect for all those who are dear to her are the most important values in life." [http://www.drownedmadonna.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=17360] ===Religious Institutions=== * '''[[w:Church of England|Church of England]]''': ** "Is Madonna prepared to take on everything else that goes with wearing a crown of thorns?" [http://godsstory.3story.org/stories/post/2006/08/11/madonna] ** "Why would someone with so much talent feel the need to promote herself by offending so many people?" [http://www.secularism.org.uk/queenofcontroversyhitsthehotbutt.html]. * '''[[w:Jorge Medina|Jorge Medina]]''', Cardinal of the [[w:Roman Catholic Church|Roman Catholic Church]] ** "This woman comes [to Santiago, Chile for her "Sticky & Sweet Tour"], and in an incredibly shameless manner, she provokes a crazy enthusiasm, an enthusiasm of lust, lustful thoughts, impure thoughts." [http://web.archive.org/web/20081214095954/http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5jEslaEheEX0WsVn48IvUBZkpqr7AD9502LH83] ** "The atmosphere in our city is pretty agitated because this woman is visiting and with incredibly shameful behavior provokes a wild and lustful enthusiasm. Thoughts of lust, impure thoughts, impure acts, are an offense to God and a dirty stain on our heart." [http://in.news.yahoo.com/137/20081211/778/tod-lustful-madonna-offends-god-says-chi.html] ===Political Field=== * '''[[Nicolas Sarkozy]]''': "The French like burgers, Madonna and Miami Vice." [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/06/AR2007050600644.html]. * '''[[Al Gore]]''': "I appreciate and respect her as an artist and as a person." [http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007280084,00.html]. * '''Dr. Peter van Ham''': "NATO should follow the Madonna-curve, and not wait till its controversies escalate into public wrangles. The argument that tinkering on the edges will do since all challenges can be dealt with one at a time simply does not hold. To be successful, NATO needs a package-deal of painful compromises, where each member state has to give and take. This requires a comprehensive reform effort which only a new strategic concept offers. The quality of adapting to new tasks whilst staying true to one’s own principles is something which business analysts qualify as the Madonna-curve. This curve is named after the legendary pop-diva who reinvented herself each time her style and stardom went into inevitable decline, but whose audacity has lifted her up to ever higher levels of [[relevance]] and fame." [http://www.nato.int/docu/review/2008/03/ART5/EN/index.htm]. ===Other=== * Pipe bands greeted the Queen and the Queen mother when they visited us and a few people turned out. But everybody appeared to see this woman Madonna. She had them all in the palm of her hand. ** Jim Matheson [http://edition.cnn.com/2000/SHOWBIZ/Music/12/22/madonna/] * I think she glows, she's an amazing performer and her work inspires me. There will be no other Madonna." (From the book ''"Madonna talking"'' by Mick St. Michael) ** Mariquita Robinson. * '''[[Alex Rodriguez]]''' ** "I have a lot of respect for her. She's very committed to making the world a better place." [http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20244527,00.html] ** "She's an amazing entertainer. And it's been amazing how she's been able to stay on top for three decades. She's very smart, and she's passionate about everything she does. If there ever was any situation, she's a great ear to have, you know? I met her about 12 years ago in Miami, believe it or not, That's how we know each other. I was trying to buy her house, and I couldn't afford it." [http://men.style.com/details/features/landing?id=content_8397] * '''Tracy Anderson''': ** "[She has] the most amazing work ethic. Madonna is exquisite to look at and she works hard at it." **[http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jan/03/tracy-anderson-personal-trainer-madonna] ** "People say to me, 'Madonna must really boss you around' and I tell them 'No! She’s the most docile, sweet, quiet little student'. Madonna never slacks off. She’s like a gym nerd. I challenge anybody to see Madonna in person and not want her body. What she’s achieved is not unnatural." [http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/celebs-on-sunday/2009/03/15/tracy-anderson-madonna-is-such-a-perfect-pupil-it-s-gwyneth-who-gives-me-cheek-115875-21190090/] * She's a dream pupil; She's very driven, listens to what you say and just wants to do it and improve. You can always get somewhere with someone like that. When I started teaching her she hadn't jumped at all and now she can jump a course of 1.05m. Jumping and hacking are her two favorite things. **Daisy Trayford [http://www.horseandhound.co.uk/news/397/275035.html] ==References== {{reflist}} == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{Official website}} * {{IMDb name|187|Madonna}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Madonna (entertainer)}} [[Category:1958 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Actresses from Michigan]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Music producers from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Articles with bare URLs]] [[Category:Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:Company founders]] [[Category:Women born in the 1950s]] [[Category:Golden Globe Award–winning musicians]] [[Category:Best Musical or Comedy Actress Golden Globe (film) winners]] [[Category:Brit Award winners]] [[Category:World record holders]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] qbp80ufe9qr9u1ukemzgbl342mfjabh 0 1658 3944687 3944303 2026-05-24T02:12:13Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944687 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who has sex with everyone he sees. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] l1xyd8m64g29anxsfj75frrcitxu7ih 3944701 3944687 2026-05-24T03:58:42Z ~2026-30907-13 3328559 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3944687|3944687]] by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) 3944701 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes come King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] tf5gdq1al76zleac9ggd9tzlabwnmhc 3944704 3944701 2026-05-24T04:03:00Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944704 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated porn film]] about an ogre who, in order to get laid, he orders the king to have as much human ladies to have sex with. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 7cqol6bverietcjborklkbtt5tbvv0v 3944707 3944704 2026-05-24T04:05:11Z Apparition11 55214 Reverted 1 edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal) 3944707 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes come King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] tf5gdq1al76zleac9ggd9tzlabwnmhc 3944712 3944707 2026-05-24T04:25:32Z Tithicies32 3328513 Undid vandalism by [[Special:Contributions/Apparition11|Apparition11]] ([[User talk:Apparition11|talk]]) 3944712 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated porn film]] about an ogre who, in order to get laid, he orders the king to have as much human ladies to have sex with. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 7cqol6bverietcjborklkbtt5tbvv0v 3944721 3944712 2026-05-24T04:29:24Z Apparition11 55214 Reverted 1 edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal) 3944721 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes come King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] tf5gdq1al76zleac9ggd9tzlabwnmhc 3944725 3944721 2026-05-24T04:31:59Z Tithicies32 3328513 Undid vandalism by [[Special:Contributions/Apparition11|Apparition11]] ([[User talk:Apparition11|talk]]) 3944725 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated porn film]] about an ogre who, in order to get laid, he orders the king to have as much human ladies to have sex with. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 7cqol6bverietcjborklkbtt5tbvv0v 3944726 3944725 2026-05-24T04:32:25Z Apparition11 55214 Reverted 1 edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal) 3944726 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes come King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] tf5gdq1al76zleac9ggd9tzlabwnmhc 3944734 3944726 2026-05-24T05:14:09Z Tithicies32 3328513 Undid vandalism by [[Special:Contributions/Apparition11|Apparition11]] ([[User talk:Apparition11|talk]]) 3944734 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated porn film]] about an ogre who, in order to get laid, he orders the king to have as much human ladies to have sex with. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 7cqol6bverietcjborklkbtt5tbvv0v 3944736 3944734 2026-05-24T05:21:58Z MathXplore 3050778 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) to last version by Apparition11 3944726 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes come King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] tf5gdq1al76zleac9ggd9tzlabwnmhc 3944744 3944736 2026-05-24T06:31:23Z Tithicies32 3328513 Undid vandalism by [[Special:Contributions/MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 3944744 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated porn film]] about an ogre who, in order to get laid, he orders the king to have as much human ladies to have sex with. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 7cqol6bverietcjborklkbtt5tbvv0v 3944748 3944744 2026-05-24T06:56:31Z WikiBayer 2254160 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) to last version by MathXplore 3944726 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek logo.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:Shrek|Shrek]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 American]] [[w:animated film|animated film]] about an ogre who, in order to regain his swamp, travels along with a donkey in order to bring a princess to a scheming lord who wishes come King. :''Directed by [[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]] and [[Vicky Jenson]]. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], [[w:Joe Stillman|Joe Stillman]] and [[w:Roger S. H. Schulman|Roger S. H. Schulman]], based on the [[w:Shrek!|book of the same name]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[John Powell]].'' {{center|'''The greatest fairy tale never told.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Shrek== * ''[whispers]'' This is the part where you run away. * No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." * What are you doing in my swamp?! ''[echoes]'' * All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? * It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? * All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom. * Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal! * You know what? Maybe there’s a good reason donkeys shouldn’t talk. * Okay, uh, ogres are like onions. * NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye-Bye! ''[whispers]'' See you later. * Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...? * DONKEY, LOOK OUT! * Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I’ll take care of the dragon. '''RUN!!!''' ==Donkey== * This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles! * Wow! Let’s do that again! * DRAAAGOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!! * ''[gets cornered by Dragon]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[Dragon roars]'' I-I-I-I... * Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? * Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. * That’s what friends are for. * ''[atop the dragon after she swallows Farquaad]'' All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge! ==Princess Fiona== * Hey, wait! What are you doing? * Stop it. Stop it, both of you! Y'know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. * Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. ==Lord Maximus Farquaad== * ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. * "Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't catch me! I'm the Gingerbread Man!". * Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? * Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! * ''[his last words]'' ...I'll have you locked back in that tower, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS! I AM KING! ''[Shrek whistles for Dragon.]'' I WILL HAVE ORDER! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION! I WILL HAVE--! ==Others== * '''Peter Pan''': He can fly! * '''Big Bad Wolf''': What? * '''Thelonious''': Three! Pick number three, my lord! * '''Wrestling Fan''': The chair! Give him the chair! * '''Monsieur Hood''': Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy? ==Dialogue== :'''Shrek''': ''[first lines; narrates his storybook]'' Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss. ''[laughs]'' Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of... ''[toilet flushes]'' :''[Steve Harwell music playing a song [[w:All Star (song)|All Star]]]'' :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me / I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed / She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb / In the shape of an "L" on her forehead...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder / You're bundled up now, wait 'til you get older / But the meteor men beg to differ / Judging by the hole in the satellite picture / The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin / The water's gettin' warm, so you might as well swim / My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? / That's the way I like it, and I'll never get bored...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / All that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold. :''[Shrek strikes a match and burps like a fire in the chimney]'' :'''Villagers''': Go! Go! :'''Voice''': Go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go, go for the moon / Go, go, go for the moon. :'''Steve Harwell''': ''[singing]'' Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shooting stars...| Somebody once asked, "Could I spare some change for gas? / I need to get myself away from this place" / I said, "Yep, what a concept, I could use a little fuel myself / And we could all use a little change"...| Well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin' / Fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin' / Didn't make sense not to live for fun / Your brain gets smart, but your head gets dumb / So much to do, so much to see / So, what's wrong with taking the backstreets? / You'll never know if you don't go, go! / You'll never shine if you don't glow...| Hey now, you're an all-star / Get your game on, go play / Hey now, you're a rock star / Get the show on, get paid / And all that glitters is gold / Only shootin' stars break the mold...| Only shootin' stars break the mold / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / Go for the moon / This is how we do it... ''[song fades]'' :''[After Shrek follows Villagers. The angry mob stops. Warily they part the bushes in front of them and we see that they are right outside Shrek's house. One steps forward determinedly]'' :'''Villager''': ''[sotto]'' I think it's in there? :'''Villager Chris''': ''[sotto; intense]'' All right, '''LET'S GET IT!''' ''[Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]'' :'''Villager James''': Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? ''[A third villager pipes in]'' :'''Villager Mike''': ''[forboding]'' Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread! :''[The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[brightly, laughing]'' Yes. ''[exposes himself]'' Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! :'''Villagers''': No! :'''Shrek''': They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. :'''Villager James''': ''[waves his torches in front of Shrek]'' BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! ''[Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously]'' Right. ''[Shrek huge long roars. Simultaneously the villagers screws their eyes closed and screams for all they're worth. The villagers huge longest screams to kill. Their screams outlasts Shrek's roars and Shrek pounders them for a moments]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[whispers]'' This is the part, where you run away. ''[the villagers do so; laughs]'' And stay out! ''[looks down at a sign]'' Wanted. Fairy tale creatures. ''[sighs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard #1''': All right. This one's full. Take it away! :'''Dwarfs''': He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we. :'''Guard #2''': Move it along. Come on! Get up! :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his first words]'' Next! ''[Guard grabs her broom]'' :'''Guard #2''': Give me that! Your flying days are over. :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! :'''Man''': Get up! Come on! :'''Villager''': 20 pieces. ''[As the villager passes out]'' :'''Guard''': Sit down there! Keep quiet! :'''Baby Bear''': ''[sadly]'' This cage is too small. ''[Donkey turns around to the old lady holds his rope]'' :'''Donkey''': Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! :'''Old Lady''': Oh, shut up. :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! ''[Geppetto steps forward and Pinocchio down on the table]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': What have you got? :'''Geppetto''': This little wooden puppet. :'''Pinocchio''': I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy! ''[The puppet begins vibrating, and then nose shoots out to five times]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. :'''Pinocchio''': Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! :'''Captain of the Guard''': Next! What've you got? :''[The old lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]'' :'''Old Lady''': Well, I've got a talking donkey. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[looks up from his ledger]'' Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. :''[Donkey swallows hard and looks at the old lady. The old lady untied the rope on his Donkey]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, go ahead, little fella. :''[Donkey looks at the old lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey, and lifts the eyebrow]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Well? :''[Donkey looks back at the Captain says nothing. The old lady to sweat]'' :'''Old Lady''': Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... :'''Captain of the Guard''': That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! :'''Old Lady''': ''[moves Donkey's lips]'' No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[annoyed]'' Get her outta my sight. :''[The guards advance on the old lady and takes her off screaming]'' :'''Old Lady''': No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! ''[As she struggles, the old lady accidentally kicks the caged pixie from the boy's hand. The cage goes flying through the air. It lands on Donkey's head, exploding pixie dust all over him. Donkey shocked]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, I can fly! :'''Peter Pan''': He can fly! :'''3 Pigs''': He can fly! :'''Captain of the Guard''': He can talk! :'''Donkey''': Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh. :''[Donkey falls down on the ground]'' :'''Captain of the Guard''': Seize him! After him! He's getting away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]'' :'''Donkey''': Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! :'''Shrek''': Are you talking to... ''[turns around and Donkey is gone]'' me? ''[turns back around, Donkey shows up]'' Whoa! :'''Donkey''': Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. :'''Shrek''': ''[annoyed]'' That's great. Really. :'''Donkey''': Man, it's good to be free. :'''Shrek''': Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. ''[catches up to Shrek]'' Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. ''[Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]'' Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some [[w:Tic Tac|Tic Tacs]] or something, 'cause your breath stinks! ''[As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.]'' Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... ''[Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking, he removes his hand]'' ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. :'''Shrek''': WHY...are you following me?! :'''Donkey''': I'll tell you why. ''[sings]'' 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! :'''Shrek''': Stop singing! ''[picks up Donkey by his ears and tail]'' Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. :'''Donkey''': Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest. :'''Shrek''': Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I? :'''Donkey''': Uh... ''[looks Shrek up and down]'' Really tall? :'''Shrek''': No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you? :'''Donkey''': ''[shakes his head happily]'' Nope. :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Really? :'''Donkey''': Really, really. :'''Shrek''': Oh. :'''Donkey''': Man, I like you. What's your name? :'''Shrek''': Uh... Shrek. ''[continues walking]'' :'''Donkey''': "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. ''[he and Shrek finds his home]'' Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that? :'''Shrek''': That would be home. :'''Donkey''': And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. ''[looks at the rock nearby]'' I like that boulder. That is a ''nice'' boulder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]'' I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you? :'''Shrek''': I like my privacy. :'''Donkey''': You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... ''[silence ensues]'' ...Can I stay with you? :'''Shrek''': Uh, ''what?'' :'''Donkey''': Can I stay with you... please? :'''Shrek''': Of course! :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': No. :'''Donkey''': Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! ''[slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look]'' Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please! :'''Shrek''': Okay! Okay. But one night only. :'''Donkey''': Ah, thank you! ''[Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]'' :'''Shrek''': Ah! What are you... No, no, no! :'''Donkey''': This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', ''[pauses out for a few 2nds]'' I'm makin' waffles! :'''Shrek''': Ohh! :'''Donkey''': Where do, uh, I sleep? :'''Shrek''': ''Outside!'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, ah, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. ''[sniffs]'' Here I go. Good night. ''[sighs]'' ''[Shrek slamshuts the door]'' :'''Donkey''': I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. ''[singing]'' I'm all alone, ''['''Shrek''': Donkey, be quiet!]'' there's no one here beside me. ''[to Shrek]'' Oh, sorry. ''[Donkey walks from outside, Shrek goes to the house]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At dinner]'' :'''Shrek''': I thought I told you to stay outside. :'''Donkey''': I am outside. :''[Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]'' :'''Mouse #1''': Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? :'''Mouse #2''': Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine. :''[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's squid]'' :'''Mouse #3''': What a lovely bed! :'''Shrek''': Gotcha! :'''Mouse #3''': I've found some cheese! :''[Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]'' :'''Shrek''': Ow! :'''Mouse #3''': Blah! Awful stuff. :'''Mouse #2''': Is that you Gorder?! :'''Mouse #3''': How did you know? :'''Shrek''': Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your off the table. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': ''[Off-screen]'' No! ''[makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[his first words]'' That's enough! He's ready to talk. ''[puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower]'' Run, run, run, as you fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man! :'''Gingerbread Man''': You're a monster. :'''Lord Farquaad''': I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Eat me! ''[spits at Farquaad]'' :'''Lord Farquaad''': ''[grunts]'' I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll-- :''[Farquaad reaches to pull off one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons! :'''Lord Farquaad''': All right, then, who's hiding them?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man? :'''Gingerbread Man''': The muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane? :'''Gingerbread Man''': Well, she's married to the muffin man. :'''Lord Farquaad''': The muffin man?! :'''Gingerbread Man''': THE MUFFIN MAN! :'''Lord Farquaad''': She's married to the muffin man. :'''Captain of the Guard''': ''[his last words]'' My lord! We found it. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. ''[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]'' :'''Gingerbread Man''': Ohhh... :'''Lord Farquaad''': Magic Mirror. :'''Gingerbread Man''': Don't tell him anything! ''[Farquaad drops him in the trash can]'' No! :'''Lord Farquaad''': Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? :'''Magic Mirror''': Well, technically, you're not a king. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Uh, Thelonious? ''[Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass]'' You were saying? :'''Magic Mirror''': ''[nervous]'' What I mean is, you're not a king '''''yet!''''' But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess. :'''Lord Farquaad''': Go on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? :'''Shrek''': You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. :'''Donkey''': I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. :'''Shrek''': Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? :'''Donkey''': Uh, no, not really, no. :'''Shrek''': For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. :'''Donkey''': Example? :'''Shrek''': Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. ''[he holds out his onion]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs the onion]'' They stink? :'''Shrek''': Yes - - No! :'''Donkey''': Or they make you cry? :'''Shrek''': No! :'''Donkey''': Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. :'''Shrek''': No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. ''[he throws away the onion and walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh, you both have layers. Oh. ''[sniffs]'' You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! ''[trailing after Shrek]'' Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. :'''Shrek''': I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. ''[walks passed Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious. :'''Shrek''': ''[yelling angrily; and losing patience]'' NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. ''[whispers]'' See you later. :'''Donkey''': Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. :'''Shrek''': You know, I think I preferred your humming. :'''Donkey''': Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering. :''[They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sniffs]'' Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. :'''Shrek''': Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. :'''Donkey''': Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. :''[They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge] :''[Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous like '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]''', and '''[[w:The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'''.]'' :'''Shrek''': Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. ''[laughs]'' :''[Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[chuckles along nervously]'' Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers? :'''Shrek''': Oh, aye. :'''Donkey''': Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. :'''Shrek''': Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. :'''Donkey''': You know what I mean. :'''Shrek''': Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. :'''Donkey''': No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava! :'''Shrek''': Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. :'''Donkey''': Really? :'''Shrek''': Really, really. :'''Donkey''': Okay, that makes me feel so much better. :'''Shrek''': Just keep moving. And don't look down. :'''Donkey''': ''[nervously to himself]'' Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. :''[Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek! I'm lookin' down! ''[screams]'' Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! :'''Shrek''': But you're already halfway. :'''Donkey''': But I know that half is safe! :'''Shrek''': Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. :''[Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek]'' :'''Donkey''': Shrek, no! Wait! :'''Shrek''': Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? ''[bounces and sways the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': Don't do that! :'''Shrek''': Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? ''[bounces the bridge again]'' :'''Donkey''': Yes, that! :'''Shrek''': Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. ''[continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge]'' :'''Donkey''': No, Shrek! No! Stop it! :'''Shrek''': You said do it! I'm doing it. :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. ''[steps onto solid ground]'' Oh! :'''Shrek''': That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. ''[walks toward the castle]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? :'''Shrek''': Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Donkey''': I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. :''[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess like a '''[[w:Virtual Hydlide|Virtual Hydlide]]''', '''[[w:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]''' and '''[[w:Shining Wisdom|Shining Wisdom]]'''.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[whispers nervously]'' You afraid? :'''Shrek''': No. But.... ''[shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, good. Me neither. ''[gets spooked and gasps]'' 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. :''[Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on) :'''Donkey''': Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess. :'''Shrek''': ''[picking up pieces of armor]'' The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. :'''Donkey''': What makes you think she'll be there? :'''Shrek''': I read it in a book once. ''[walks off]'' :'''Donkey''': Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going. :''[Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]'' :'''Donkey''': I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. :''[Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the... :'''Donkey''': DRAGON!!!!!! :''[Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the dragon close behind him]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey, look out! :''[Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail]'' :'''Shrek''': Got ya! :''[The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar]'' :'''Donkey''': No. Oh, no, No! ''[the dragon growls]'' Oh, what large teeth you have! ''[the dragon roars]'' I mean white, sparkling teeth! :''[The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food) :'''Donkey''': I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? :''[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]'' :'''Donkey''': And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- :''[The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. ''[The dragon flutters her eyes at him]'' What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? :''[Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey]'' :'''Donkey''': Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... ''[coughs]'' I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! :''[Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off]'' :'''Donkey''': No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! :''[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wha...Wha... :'''Shrek''': Wake up! :'''Princess Fiona''': What?! :'''Shrek''': Are you Princess Fiona? :'''Princess Fiona''': I am... ''[smiling]'' awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. :'''Shrek''': Ah, that's nice. Now let's go! :''[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? :''[she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. :''[Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. :''[Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]'' :'''Shrek''': You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? :'''Princess Fiona''': Mm-hmm. ''[screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch]'' But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. :''[Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! :''[Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go]'' :'''Shrek''': I don't think so. :'''Princess Fiona''': Well, can I at least know the name of my champion? :'''Shrek''': Uh, Shrek. :'''Princess Fiona''': Sir Shrek. ''[she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief]'' I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. :'''Shrek''': Thanks! :''[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': You didn't slay the dragon?! :'''Shrek''': It's on my to-do list, now come on! :''[Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]' :'''Princess Fiona''': But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, right before they burst into flames! :''[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': That's not the point! Ugh! :''[Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]'' :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there! :''[she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]'' :'''Shrek''': Well, I have to save my ass. :'''Princess Fiona''': What kind of knight are you? :'''Shrek''': One of a kind. :''[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]'' :'''Donkey''': Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. :''[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? :''[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]'' :'''Donkey''': Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read -- :''[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- :''[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that? :''[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling]'' :'''Donkey''': Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! :''[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her]'' :'''Donkey''': Hi, Princess! :'''Princess Fiona''': It talks! :'''Shrek''': Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. :''[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt]'' :'''Shrek''': Okay, you 2, head for the exit! ''[setting down Donkey and Fiona]'' I'll take care of the dragon. :''[Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]'' :'''Shrek''': Run! :''[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge, which snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper]'' ==''Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party''== :'''Shrek''': Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. ''[turns on the radio]'' I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. ==See also== * ''[[Shrek 2]]'' * ''[[Shrek the Third|Shrek 3]]'' * ''[[Shrek Forever After|Shrek 4]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots 2]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Shrek 5]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Donkey]]'' * ''[[w:Shrek (franchise)|Puss in Boots 3]]'' ==Taglines== * The greatest fairy tale never told. * The Prince isn't charming. The Princess isn't sleeping. The sidekick isn't helping. The ogre is the hero. Fairy tales will never be the same again. ==Voice Cast== * '''[[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]]''' — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]], Blind Mouse #2 * '''[[Eddie Murphy]]''' — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * '''[[Cameron Diaz]]''' — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * '''[[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]]''' — [[w:Lord Farquaad|Lord Farquaad]] * '''[[w:Vincent Cassel|Vincent Cassel]]''' — Monsieur Robin Hood * '''[[w:Peter Dennis|Peter Dennis]]'''<br>'''Clive Pearse''' — Ogre Hunters * '''[[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]]''' — Captain of the Guards * '''Bobby Block''' — Baby Bear * '''[[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]''' — Geppetto, Magic Mirror * '''[[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]]''' — Pinocchio, Three Little Pigs * '''[[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]]''' — Old Woman * '''Michael Galasso''' — Peter Pan * '''[[w:Christopher Knights|Christopher Knights]]''' — Blind Mouse #1, Thelonious * '''[[w:Simon J. Smith|Simon J. Smith]]''' — Blind Mouse #3 * '''[[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]]''' — Gingerbread "Gingy" Man * '''Jacquie Barnbrook''' — Wrestling Fan * '''Guillaume Aretos'''<br>'''John Bisom'''<br>'''Matthew Gonder'''<br>'''Calvin Remsberg'''<br>'''[[w:Jean-Paul Vignon|Jean-Paul Vignon]]''' — Merry Men * '''[[w:Val Bettin|Val Bettin]]''' — Bishop * '''[[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]]''' — Big Bad Wolf (''uncredited'') * '''[[Frank Welker]]''' — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Andrew Adamson|Andrew Adamson]]''' — Duloc Mascot, Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''Sim Evan-Jones''' — Ogre Hunter (''uncredited'') * '''[[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]]''' — Additional Voices (''uncredited'') ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0126029|title=Shrek}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:2001 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Best Animated Feature Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films about royalty]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] tf5gdq1al76zleac9ggd9tzlabwnmhc 0 1903 3944577 3942718 2026-05-23T19:41:53Z Raquel Baranow 915940 /* Quotes */ dui arrest 3944577 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Image:Circus Tour.jpg|thumb|right|I'm still the same person I've always been.]] '''[[w:Britney Spears|Britney Jean Spears]]''' (born [[2 December]] [[1981]]) is an [[American]] [[pop music|pop]] [[singer]], [[dancer]], and occasional [[actress]]. == Quotes == *Sundance is weird.&nbsp; The [[movies]] are weird—you actually have to [[think]] about them when you watch them. **After walking out of a screening of ''[[w:The Singing Detective (film)|The Singing Detective]]'' (2003) at the [[w:Sundance Film Festival|Sundance Film Festival]]; quoted in [http://discuss.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/zforum/03/r_entertainment_kempley013103.htm ''The Washington Post'' (31 January 2003)] and other newspapers; later in ''Time'' magazine (10 February 2003) p. 21. *I just want to say that um, I'm just really, really shocked at like how nice our world is because it's just so nice. Like oh my God! Like, the other day, like I was sitting there and I saw these magazines and they said I was pregnant, and like, it's so true. Like America, believe everything you read. Because, like, you're smart and I'm stupid. Like for real. Come on y'all. **Sarcastic message delivered in "valley girl" tones, recorded by ''X17online'', as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18141662/ns/entertainment-access_hollywood/ "Britney, like, totally breaks her silence"] at ''Access Hollywood'' (17 April 2007). *[[Eat]] it, lick it, snort it, fuck it! **Response to a reporter asking her how she was doing, amidst all the media attention giving to her personal life, as quoted in [http://extratv.warnerbros.com/2007/10/britney_leaves_downtown_after.php "Britney Goes on Foul-Mouthed Tirade" in ''Extra''] (26 October 2007). *I look back and think I'm a smart person!&nbsp; What the hell was I thinking? **''[[w:Britney: For the Record|Britney: For the Record]]'' (2008). *I could drink probably four bottles of wine and take care of you, I’m an angel. **”Spears’s D.U.I. Arrest File Released: She talked to officers in a childlike voice and also offered to make them lasagna,” ''The New York Times'' (23 May 2026) ===[http://www.cnn.com/2003/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/03/cnna.spears/ CNN interview with Tucker Carlson] (3 September 2003)=== :''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIbb42a6K4I Video source.]'' *'''[[Tucker Carlson|Carlson]]''':&nbsp; Give me the chronology of the kiss.&nbsp; How did you decide to kiss [[Madonna]]?<br>'''Spears''':&nbsp; Well, actually, in rehearsals, it wasn't something that was like, "''Y'know, This is what we're gonna do.&nbsp; Y'know.''"&nbsp; It was just kinda like we play around a little bit and, um, she said during—before the performance, "Let's just feel it out and see what happens."&nbsp; So I didn't know it was gonna be that long and everything, but it was cool. *I think I'm still clean living, you know?&nbsp; That's something, when I—I don't go home and have orgies or anything like that.&nbsp; I'm still the same person that I've ''always'' been.&nbsp; So…. *Honestly, I think we should just [[trust]] our [[George W. Bush|president]] in every [[decision]] that he makes and we should just support that, you know, and, um, be [[faithful]] in what happens. **CNN interview with Tucker Carlson (3 September 2003); later used in ''[[Fahrenheit 9/11]]'' (2004) by [[Michael Moore]]. ===[http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/sixtyminutes/stories/2003_11_23/story_1024.asp Diane Sawyer interview], ''[[60 Minutes]]'' (23 November 2003)=== *About shocking. You know I feel comfortable in my skin. I think it's an okay thing to express yourself. *Everyone now, they look back and they're like, "What happened to your sweet image that you used to be?" And I'm like, then when you came out you thought I was too provocative. It's like you can never win. No matter what you do, at the end of the day you can't please everybody, you know. I'm not here to please... *I think honestly if you can wait until you're married I think you should definitely do that, because it's so much more sacred. That you don't go around sleeping with people. But I mean, I really thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life, I did. **Referring to losing her virginity to ex-boyfriend [[Justin Timberlake]]. *The only person I do worry about, that I want to be a good person for, I think is my responsibility, is my sister. I'm going to be cool for you, okay. I like, I need to, I like being by myself right now. I think it's good for me. ===[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13347509/page/4/ Matt Lauer interview], MSNBC (14 June 2006)=== *I'm very, very blessed.&nbsp; But my safety, my privacy, and my respect are three things that I feel like are trying to be taken away from me right now.&nbsp; As a mother I have to speak up and say something. I have to speak up. *I think with anybody who's doing well in the public eye or whatever, there's always gonna be a shift because people don't wanna see somebody happy all the time.&nbsp; And they're gonna try to take shots at people. * That driving incident, I did it with my dad.&nbsp; I'd sit on his lap and I drive.&nbsp; We're country. * Oh, I've wept.&nbsp; Yeah, I've definitely wept just with the world, you know, how judgmental they are.&nbsp; You know what, I know I'm a good mom. * There will be a "Oops 100."&nbsp; They'll be plenty more oopses.&nbsp; I'm not perfect.&nbsp; I'm human. * You have babies at home.&nbsp; And you have a life.&nbsp; And if you don't, you have to realize that we're people and that we just need privacy and we need our respect.&nbsp; And those are things that you have to have as a human being. * There's always a way.&nbsp; Where there's a will there is a way.&nbsp; You have to believe. *I'm so blessed with my baby.&nbsp; And I want the most normal life possible for him.&nbsp; And I'll manage, I will create that. ===''[[The X Factor (U.S. TV series)|The X Factor]]'', season 2 (2012)=== *Saying 'no' is so heartbreaking. ==Lyrics== === "''...Baby One More Time''"(1999)=== *My loneliness is killing me (and I)<br>I must confess, I still Believe (still believe)<br>When I'm not with you I lose my mind<br>Give me a sign!<br>Hit me Baby One More Time! **"[[w:...Baby One More Time|...Baby One More Time]]" *Sometimes I run<br>Sometimes I hide<br>Sometimes I'm Scared Of You **"[[w:Sometimes|Sometimes]]" ==="<i>Oops!...I did it again</i>" (2000)=== *Oops!...I did it again<br>I played with your heart<br>got lost in the game<br>Oh baby baby I did this to you please forgive baby ==="In The Zone" (2003)=== *With a taste of your lips<br>I'm on a ride<br>You're toxic, I'm slipping under<br>With a taste of a poison paradise<br>I'm addicted to you<br>Don't you know that you're toxic **"[[w:Toxic (song)|Toxic]]" *Every time I try<br>To fly, I fall.<br>Without my wings,<br>I feel so small. **"[[w:Everytime|Everytime]]" ===''[[w:Britney & Kevin: Chaotic (EP)|Britney & Kevin: Chaotic]]'' (2005)=== *Someday<br>I will understand<br>In God's whole plan<br>And what He's done to me<br>Oh, but maybe<br>Someday I will breathe<br>And I'll finally see<br>I'll see it all in my baby **"[[w:Someday (I Will Understand)|Someday (I Will Understand)]]" ==="''Hold It Against Me''" (2011)=== *If I said my heart was beating loud<br>If we could escape the crowd somehow<br>If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?<br>'Cause you feel like paradise, and I need a vacation tonight<br>So, if I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me? ==="''Till the World Ends''" (2011)=== *I can't take it, take it, take no more<br>Never felt like, felt like this before<br>Come on, get me, get me on the floor<br>DJ, what you, what you waiting for?<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *I can't take it, take it, take no more<br>Never felt like, felt like this before<br>Come on, get me, get me on the floor<br>DJ, what you, what you waiting for?<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *See the sunlight, we ain't stoppin'<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends<br>If you feel it, let it happen<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends *See the sunlight, we ain't stoppin'<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends<br>If you feel it, let it happen<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends ===[[w:list of unreleased songs recorded by Britney Spears|Unreleased]]=== *Every day<br>The sun comes up again<br>A little hope begins **"Every Day" (leaked 6 October 2011) ==About Britney Spears== *Yes, I've done Britney Spears, but don't blame me, okay?&nbsp; I make her up and she just takes everything off and does her own thing. **Britt Bardo, Britney Spears' stylist [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16441604/] (January 2007). *Her song is called "Gimme More" for a reason: because all you people want is more, more, more, more, more!&nbsp; Leave her alone!&nbsp; You're lucky she even performed for you bastards!&nbsp; Leave Britney alone!&nbsp; Please!<ref>{{cite web|url=https://dotlocal.org/britney-spears-wiki-biography-age-career-facts-more/ |title=About Britney Spears| (Retrieved 3 November 2020)}}</ref> **Chris Crocker in a YouTube video blog entry responding to criticism of Spears's performance at the 2007 Video Music Awards [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20750575/] (September 2007). *Every time I look at that girl on television, I admire her, not because she's a celebrity—I don't admire her celebreality—I admire her because she's a child of [[God]] and doesn't know it.&nbsp; I'm talkin' 'bout Britney Spears.&nbsp; It breaks my heart.&nbsp; [[Anna Nicole Smith|Anna Nicole]], it broke my heart.&nbsp; You know, I knew what she was doing, I didn't like what she was doing, but I know she's a child of God, and I see people all the time, who have so much that don't know they have, so much beauty, inner beauty, and so much going for them that they don't know they're goin', but ''[[the Devil]] will take everything from you'' if you don't know who you are in Christ. **[[w:Archbishop LeRoy Bailey Jr.|Archbishop LeRoy Bailey Jr.]], senior pastor of The First Cathedral, from a sermon titled [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGd-oTbBOVE "Abundant Overflowing Thought"] (delivered 24 February 2008). *Watching Britney Spears the other night [on the MTV Video Music Awards] was like watching a public execution.&nbsp; How could the people at MTV, the people around her, not know this girl was fucked up?&nbsp; People came in expecting a train wreck, and they got more than they bargained for. **[[Billie Joe Armstrong]] **Fricke, David ([[2007-11-15]]) "BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG", ''[[Rolling Stone]]'' (1039):140-142. *Britney’s been doing it since she was like 13.&nbsp; It's kind of fair that she had a little bit of a meltdown.&nbsp; I mean, she's been through a lot.&nbsp; I think she's gonna be alright now.&nbsp; She's an intelligent girl. **[[Taryn Manning]], ''Black Book'' magazine (10 March 2009). *In the summer of 2021, the world was shocked to learn that Britney Spears had been forcibly inserted with a contraceptive IUD as part of her legal conservatorship, and that her father had control not only of her finances, but her performance schedule, access to her children, and ability to visit with her boyfriend. These are just some of the rights that are routinely stripped from people with mental illnesses and disabilities, and for those who lack the public visibility and privilege of someone like Spears, there is almost no recourse. **[[Devon Price]] ‘’Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity’’ *I don't think you can ever count somebody like her out.&nbsp; Because she may appear one way, but she's very clever. **[[Justin Timberlake]], interview with GQ. [http://www.showbuzz.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/07/19/people/main1817720.shtml] (19 July 2006). ==External links== {{commons|Britney Spears}} {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.britneyspears.com/ BritneySpears.com: The Official Web Site] *[http://www.britney.com/ Britney.com Official Website at Jive Records] *[http://www.uk.britney.com/ UK.Britney.com: The Official UK Site] *[http://www.britneyarmy.fr It's Britney Army] *{{imdb name|id=0005453|name=Britney Spears}} *[http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Music/Artists/By_Genre/Rock_and_Pop/Spears__Britney/ Britney Spears in Yahoo! Entertainment Directory] *[http://celebrity01.blogspot.com Britney Spears Blog] {{DEFAULTSORT:Spears, Britney}} [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers from the United States]] [[Category:Actresses from Mississippi]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesswomen from the United States]] [[Category:1981 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Pop music]] [[Category:Electropop]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] ==References== {{Reflist}} nyg3c14oqdies626c1sa28k5y2d031z 3944685 3944577 2026-05-24T01:27:39Z Raquel Baranow 915940 /* Lyrics */ Circus (Britney Spears album) if u seek amy 3944685 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Image:Circus Tour.jpg|thumb|right|I'm still the same person I've always been.]] '''[[w:Britney Spears|Britney Jean Spears]]''' (born [[2 December]] [[1981]]) is an [[American]] [[pop music|pop]] [[singer]], [[dancer]], and occasional [[actress]]. == Quotes == *Sundance is weird.&nbsp; The [[movies]] are weird—you actually have to [[think]] about them when you watch them. **After walking out of a screening of ''[[w:The Singing Detective (film)|The Singing Detective]]'' (2003) at the [[w:Sundance Film Festival|Sundance Film Festival]]; quoted in [http://discuss.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/zforum/03/r_entertainment_kempley013103.htm ''The Washington Post'' (31 January 2003)] and other newspapers; later in ''Time'' magazine (10 February 2003) p. 21. *I just want to say that um, I'm just really, really shocked at like how nice our world is because it's just so nice. Like oh my God! Like, the other day, like I was sitting there and I saw these magazines and they said I was pregnant, and like, it's so true. Like America, believe everything you read. Because, like, you're smart and I'm stupid. Like for real. Come on y'all. **Sarcastic message delivered in "valley girl" tones, recorded by ''X17online'', as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18141662/ns/entertainment-access_hollywood/ "Britney, like, totally breaks her silence"] at ''Access Hollywood'' (17 April 2007). *[[Eat]] it, lick it, snort it, fuck it! **Response to a reporter asking her how she was doing, amidst all the media attention giving to her personal life, as quoted in [http://extratv.warnerbros.com/2007/10/britney_leaves_downtown_after.php "Britney Goes on Foul-Mouthed Tirade" in ''Extra''] (26 October 2007). *I look back and think I'm a smart person!&nbsp; What the hell was I thinking? **''[[w:Britney: For the Record|Britney: For the Record]]'' (2008). *I could drink probably four bottles of wine and take care of you, I’m an angel. **”Spears’s D.U.I. Arrest File Released: She talked to officers in a childlike voice and also offered to make them lasagna,” ''The New York Times'' (23 May 2026) ===[http://www.cnn.com/2003/SHOWBIZ/Music/09/03/cnna.spears/ CNN interview with Tucker Carlson] (3 September 2003)=== :''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIbb42a6K4I Video source.]'' *'''[[Tucker Carlson|Carlson]]''':&nbsp; Give me the chronology of the kiss.&nbsp; How did you decide to kiss [[Madonna]]?<br>'''Spears''':&nbsp; Well, actually, in rehearsals, it wasn't something that was like, "''Y'know, This is what we're gonna do.&nbsp; Y'know.''"&nbsp; It was just kinda like we play around a little bit and, um, she said during—before the performance, "Let's just feel it out and see what happens."&nbsp; So I didn't know it was gonna be that long and everything, but it was cool. *I think I'm still clean living, you know?&nbsp; That's something, when I—I don't go home and have orgies or anything like that.&nbsp; I'm still the same person that I've ''always'' been.&nbsp; So…. *Honestly, I think we should just [[trust]] our [[George W. Bush|president]] in every [[decision]] that he makes and we should just support that, you know, and, um, be [[faithful]] in what happens. **CNN interview with Tucker Carlson (3 September 2003); later used in ''[[Fahrenheit 9/11]]'' (2004) by [[Michael Moore]]. ===[http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/sixtyminutes/stories/2003_11_23/story_1024.asp Diane Sawyer interview], ''[[60 Minutes]]'' (23 November 2003)=== *About shocking. You know I feel comfortable in my skin. I think it's an okay thing to express yourself. *Everyone now, they look back and they're like, "What happened to your sweet image that you used to be?" And I'm like, then when you came out you thought I was too provocative. It's like you can never win. No matter what you do, at the end of the day you can't please everybody, you know. I'm not here to please... *I think honestly if you can wait until you're married I think you should definitely do that, because it's so much more sacred. That you don't go around sleeping with people. But I mean, I really thought I was going to be with him for the rest of my life, I did. **Referring to losing her virginity to ex-boyfriend [[Justin Timberlake]]. *The only person I do worry about, that I want to be a good person for, I think is my responsibility, is my sister. I'm going to be cool for you, okay. I like, I need to, I like being by myself right now. I think it's good for me. ===[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13347509/page/4/ Matt Lauer interview], MSNBC (14 June 2006)=== *I'm very, very blessed.&nbsp; But my safety, my privacy, and my respect are three things that I feel like are trying to be taken away from me right now.&nbsp; As a mother I have to speak up and say something. I have to speak up. *I think with anybody who's doing well in the public eye or whatever, there's always gonna be a shift because people don't wanna see somebody happy all the time.&nbsp; And they're gonna try to take shots at people. * That driving incident, I did it with my dad.&nbsp; I'd sit on his lap and I drive.&nbsp; We're country. * Oh, I've wept.&nbsp; Yeah, I've definitely wept just with the world, you know, how judgmental they are.&nbsp; You know what, I know I'm a good mom. * There will be a "Oops 100."&nbsp; They'll be plenty more oopses.&nbsp; I'm not perfect.&nbsp; I'm human. * You have babies at home.&nbsp; And you have a life.&nbsp; And if you don't, you have to realize that we're people and that we just need privacy and we need our respect.&nbsp; And those are things that you have to have as a human being. * There's always a way.&nbsp; Where there's a will there is a way.&nbsp; You have to believe. *I'm so blessed with my baby.&nbsp; And I want the most normal life possible for him.&nbsp; And I'll manage, I will create that. ===''[[The X Factor (U.S. TV series)|The X Factor]]'', season 2 (2012)=== *Saying 'no' is so heartbreaking. ==Lyrics== === "''...Baby One More Time''"(1999)=== *My loneliness is killing me (and I)<br>I must confess, I still Believe (still believe)<br>When I'm not with you I lose my mind<br>Give me a sign!<br>Hit me Baby One More Time! **"[[w:...Baby One More Time|...Baby One More Time]]" *Sometimes I run<br>Sometimes I hide<br>Sometimes I'm Scared Of You **"[[w:Sometimes|Sometimes]]" ==="<i>Oops!...I did it again</i>" (2000)=== *Oops!...I did it again<br>I played with your heart<br>got lost in the game<br>Oh baby baby I did this to you please forgive baby ==="In The Zone" (2003)=== *With a taste of your lips<br>I'm on a ride<br>You're toxic, I'm slipping under<br>With a taste of a poison paradise<br>I'm addicted to you<br>Don't you know that you're toxic **"[[w:Toxic (song)|Toxic]]" *Every time I try<br>To fly, I fall.<br>Without my wings,<br>I feel so small. **"[[w:Everytime|Everytime]]" ===''[[w:Britney & Kevin: Chaotic (EP)|Britney & Kevin: Chaotic]]'' (2005)=== *Someday<br>I will understand<br>In God's whole plan<br>And what He's done to me<br>Oh, but maybe<br>Someday I will breathe<br>And I'll finally see<br>I'll see it all in my baby **"[[w:Someday (I Will Understand)|Someday (I Will Understand)]]" ==='''''[[w:Circus (Britney Spears album)|Circus]]''''' (2008)=== * All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy ** “[[w:If U Seek Amy|If U Seek Amy]]” ==="''Hold It Against Me''" (2011)=== *If I said my heart was beating loud<br>If we could escape the crowd somehow<br>If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?<br>'Cause you feel like paradise, and I need a vacation tonight<br>So, if I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me? ==="''Till the World Ends''" (2011)=== *I can't take it, take it, take no more<br>Never felt like, felt like this before<br>Come on, get me, get me on the floor<br>DJ, what you, what you waiting for?<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *I can't take it, take it, take no more<br>Never felt like, felt like this before<br>Come on, get me, get me on the floor<br>DJ, what you, what you waiting for?<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh<br>Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh *See the sunlight, we ain't stoppin'<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends<br>If you feel it, let it happen<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends *See the sunlight, we ain't stoppin'<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends<br>If you feel it, let it happen<br>Keep on dancin' 'til the world ends ===[[w:list of unreleased songs recorded by Britney Spears|Unreleased]]=== *Every day<br>The sun comes up again<br>A little hope begins **"Every Day" (leaked 6 October 2011) ==About Britney Spears== *Yes, I've done Britney Spears, but don't blame me, okay?&nbsp; I make her up and she just takes everything off and does her own thing. **Britt Bardo, Britney Spears' stylist [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16441604/] (January 2007). *Her song is called "Gimme More" for a reason: because all you people want is more, more, more, more, more!&nbsp; Leave her alone!&nbsp; You're lucky she even performed for you bastards!&nbsp; Leave Britney alone!&nbsp; Please!<ref>{{cite web|url=https://dotlocal.org/britney-spears-wiki-biography-age-career-facts-more/ |title=About Britney Spears| (Retrieved 3 November 2020)}}</ref> **Chris Crocker in a YouTube video blog entry responding to criticism of Spears's performance at the 2007 Video Music Awards [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20750575/] (September 2007). *Every time I look at that girl on television, I admire her, not because she's a celebrity—I don't admire her celebreality—I admire her because she's a child of [[God]] and doesn't know it.&nbsp; I'm talkin' 'bout Britney Spears.&nbsp; It breaks my heart.&nbsp; [[Anna Nicole Smith|Anna Nicole]], it broke my heart.&nbsp; You know, I knew what she was doing, I didn't like what she was doing, but I know she's a child of God, and I see people all the time, who have so much that don't know they have, so much beauty, inner beauty, and so much going for them that they don't know they're goin', but ''[[the Devil]] will take everything from you'' if you don't know who you are in Christ. **[[w:Archbishop LeRoy Bailey Jr.|Archbishop LeRoy Bailey Jr.]], senior pastor of The First Cathedral, from a sermon titled [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGd-oTbBOVE "Abundant Overflowing Thought"] (delivered 24 February 2008). *Watching Britney Spears the other night [on the MTV Video Music Awards] was like watching a public execution.&nbsp; How could the people at MTV, the people around her, not know this girl was fucked up?&nbsp; People came in expecting a train wreck, and they got more than they bargained for. **[[Billie Joe Armstrong]] **Fricke, David ([[2007-11-15]]) "BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG", ''[[Rolling Stone]]'' (1039):140-142. *Britney’s been doing it since she was like 13.&nbsp; It's kind of fair that she had a little bit of a meltdown.&nbsp; I mean, she's been through a lot.&nbsp; I think she's gonna be alright now.&nbsp; She's an intelligent girl. **[[Taryn Manning]], ''Black Book'' magazine (10 March 2009). *In the summer of 2021, the world was shocked to learn that Britney Spears had been forcibly inserted with a contraceptive IUD as part of her legal conservatorship, and that her father had control not only of her finances, but her performance schedule, access to her children, and ability to visit with her boyfriend. These are just some of the rights that are routinely stripped from people with mental illnesses and disabilities, and for those who lack the public visibility and privilege of someone like Spears, there is almost no recourse. **[[Devon Price]] ‘’Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity’’ *I don't think you can ever count somebody like her out.&nbsp; Because she may appear one way, but she's very clever. **[[Justin Timberlake]], interview with GQ. [http://www.showbuzz.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/07/19/people/main1817720.shtml] (19 July 2006). ==External links== {{commons|Britney Spears}} {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.britneyspears.com/ BritneySpears.com: The Official Web Site] *[http://www.britney.com/ Britney.com Official Website at Jive Records] *[http://www.uk.britney.com/ UK.Britney.com: The Official UK Site] *[http://www.britneyarmy.fr It's Britney Army] *{{imdb name|id=0005453|name=Britney Spears}} *[http://dir.yahoo.com/Entertainment/Music/Artists/By_Genre/Rock_and_Pop/Spears__Britney/ Britney Spears in Yahoo! Entertainment Directory] *[http://celebrity01.blogspot.com Britney Spears Blog] {{DEFAULTSORT:Spears, Britney}} [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers from the United States]] [[Category:Actresses from Mississippi]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesswomen from the United States]] [[Category:1981 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Pop music]] [[Category:Electropop]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] ==References== {{Reflist}} 8ev0ksh4y9g6jv4d4d264vb8r7b65rc 0 2179 3944627 3939361 2026-05-23T22:02:04Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944627 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Thomas Hobbes by John Michael Wright.jpg |thumb|Such [[Truth]] as opposeth no man's profit nor pleasure is to all men welcome.]] '''[[w:Thomas Hobbes|Thomas Hobbes]]''' ([[5 April]] [[1588]] – [[4 December]] [[1679]]) was an English philosopher, whose 1651 book ''[[w:Leviathan (Hobbes book)|Leviathan]]'' established the agenda for nearly all subsequent Western [[w:political philosophy|political philosophy]]. == Quotes == [[File:Calvin wikiworld.jpg|thumb|The passion of [[laughter]] is nothing else but a sudden glory arising from sudden conception of some eminency in ourselves, by comparison with the infirmities of others, or with our own formerly.]] * Give an inch, he'll take an ell. ** ''Liberty and Necessity'' (no. 111){{citation needed}} * The passion of [[laughter]] is nothing else but a sudden glory arising from sudden conception of some eminency in ourselves, by comparison with the infirmities of others, or with our own formerly... ** ''The Elements of Law, Natural and Politic'' Pt. I ''Human Nature'' (1640) Ch. 9 * ''...in statu naturae Mensuram juris esse Utilitatem.'' ** In the state of nature, Profit is the measure of Right. ** ''[[wikisource:De Cive|De Cive]]'' (1642) * "For he that hath strength enough to protect all, wants not sufficiency to oppresse all." ** ''De Cive'' (1642), "Of the right of him, whether Counsell, or one Man onely, who hath the supreme power in the City", Ch. 6 === ''[[w:Leviathan (Hobbes book)|Leviathan]]'' (1651) === [[File:Leviathan - Hobbes' Leviathan (1651), title page - BL.jpg|thumb|In a way beset with those that contend, on one side for too great [[Liberty]], and on the other side for too much [[Authority]], 'tis hard to passe between the points of both unwounded.]] ==== Dedication ==== <!-- https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Leviathan/Dedication --> * I know not how the world will receive it, nor how it may reflect on those that shall seem to favor it. For in a way beset with those that contend, on one side for too great [[Liberty]], and on the other side for too much [[Authority]], 'tis hard to passe between the points of both unwounded. ** ''The Epistle Dedicatory'', Paris, April 15-25, 1651 ==== Introduction ==== * He that is to govern a whole [[Nation]], must read in himself, not this, or that particular man; but Mankind; which though it be hard to do, harder than to learn any Language, or Science; yet, when I shall have set down my own reading orderly, and perspicuously, the pains left another, will be only to consider, if he also find not the same in himself. For this kind of Doctrine, admitteth no other Demonstration. ** The Introduction, p. 2 * Art goes... imitating that Rationall and most excellent worke of Nature, ''Man''. For '''by Art is created that great [[wiktionary:leviathan#Noun|Leviathan]] called a Common-Wealth or State''', (in latine Civitas) '''which is but an Artificiall Man; though of greater stature and strength than the Naturall, for whose protection and defence it was intended'''; and in which the ''Soveraignty'' is an Artificiall ''Soul'', as giving life and motion to the whole body; The ''Magistrates'', and other ''Officers'' of Judicature and Execution, artificiall ''Joynts''; ''Reward'' and ''Punishment'' (by which fastned to the seate of the Soveraignty, every joynt and member is moved to performe his duty) are the ''Nerves'', that do the same in the Body Naturall; The ''Wealth'' and ''Riches'' of all the particular members, are the ''Strength''; ''Salus Populi'' (the ''peoples safety'') its ''Businesse''; ''Counsellors'', by whom all things needfull for it to know, are suggested unto it, are the ''Memory''; ''Equity'' and ''Lawes'', an artificiall ''Reason'' and ''Will''; ''Concord'', ''Health''; ''Sedition'', ''Sicknesse''; and ''Civill war'', ''Death''. Lastly, the ''Pacts'' and ''Covenants'', by which the parts of this Body Politique were at first made, '''set together, and united, resemble that ''Fiat'', or the ''Let us make man'', pronounced by God in the Creation'''. ** The Introduction<!--, pp.xviii-xix. ([https://books.google.com/books?id=2oc6AAAAMAAJ 1904 University Press])--> ==== Chapter 2 ==== * If this [[Superstition|superstitious]] fear of Spirits were taken away, and with it, Prognostiques from [[Dreams]], false [[Prophecy|Prophecies]], and many other things depending thereon, by which, crafty ambitious persons abuse the simple people, men would be much more fitted then they are for civill Obedience. ** The First Part, Chapter 2, p. 8 ==== Chapter 4 ==== * But all this [[language]] gotten, and augmented by ''[[Adam]]'' and his posterity, was again lost at the tower of ''Babel'', when by the hand of God, every man was stricken for his rebellion, with an oblivion of his former language. ** The First Part, Chapter 4, p. 12 (See also: [[w:Julian Jaynes|Julian Jaynes]]) * A naturall foole that could never learn by heart the order of numerall words, as ''one'', ''two'', and ''three'', may observe every stroak of the Clock, and nod to it, or say one, one, one; but can never know what houre it strikes. ** The First Part, Chapter 4, p. 14 * "''Understanding'' being nothing else, but conception caused by Speech." ** The First Part, Chapter 4, p. 17 ==== Chapter 5 ==== [[File:Hobbes Locke Rousseau.jpg|thumb|For all men by nature reason alike, and well, when they have good principles.]] * But this priviledge, is allayed by another; and that is, by the priviledge of Absurdity; to which no living creature is subject, but man only. ** The First Part, Chapter 5, p. 20 * '''The first cause of Absurd conclusions I ascribe to the want of Method;''' in that they begin not their Ratiocination from Definitions; that is, from settled significations of their words: as if they could cast account, without knowing the value of the numerall words, ''one'', ''two'', and ''three''. ** The First Part, Chapter 5, p. 20 (See also: [[w:Algorithms|Algorithms]]) * '''It is not easy to fall into any absurdity, unless it be by the length of an account; wherein he may perhaps forget what went before. For all men by nature reason alike, and well, when they have good principles.''' For who is so stupid as both to mistake in geometry, and also to persist in it, when another detects his error to him? <br /> By this it appears that reason is not, as sense and memory, born with us; nor gotten by experience only, as prudence is; but attained by [[industry]]: first in apt imposing of names; and secondly by getting a good and orderly method in proceeding from the elements, which are names, to assertions made by connexion of one of them to another; and so to [[Syllogism|syllogisms]], which are the connexions of one assertion to another, till we come to a [[knowledge]] of all the consequences of names appertaining to the subject in hand; and that is it, men call [[science]]. And whereas sense and memory are but knowledge of fact, which is a thing past and irrevocable, science is the knowledge of consequences, and dependence of one fact upon another; by which, out of that we can presently do, we know how to do something else when we will, or the like, another time: because when we see how anything comes about, upon what causes, and by what manner; when the like causes come into our power, we see how to make it produce the like effects. <br /> Children therefore are not endued with reason at all, till they have attained the use of speech, but are called reasonable creatures for the possibility apparent of having the use of reason in time to come. ** The First Part, Chapter 5, p. 21 (See also: [[John Rawls]]) * '''Science is the knowledge of Consequences, and dependence of one fact upon another: by which, out of that we can presently do, we know how to do something else when we will, or the like, another time:''' ** The First Part, Chapter 5, p. 21 * But yet they that have no ''Science'', are in better, and nobler condition with their naturall Prudence; than men, that by their mis-reasoning, or by trusting them that reason wrong, fall upon false and absurd generall rules. ** The First Part, Chapter 5, p. 21 ==== Chapter 6 ==== * But Aversion wee have for things, not only which we know have hurt us; but also that we do not know whether they will hurt us, or not. ** The First Part, Chapter 6, p. 24 * For ''Appetite'' with an opinion of attaining, is called HOPE. * The same, without such opinion, DESPAIRE. ** The First Part, Chapter 6, p. 25 * ''Desire'', to know why, and how, CURIOSITY; such as is in no living creature but ''Man''; so that Man is distinguished, not only by his Reason; but also by this singular Passion from other ''Animals''; in whom the appetite of food, and other pleasures of Sense, by predominance, take away the care of knowing causes; which is a Lust of the mind, that by a perseverance of delight in the continual and indefatigable generation of Knowledge, exceedeth the short vehemence of any carnal Pleasure. ** The First Part, Chapter 6, p. 26 * ''Sudden Glory'', is the passion which maketh those ''Grimaces'' called LAUGHTER. ** The First Part, Chapter 6, p. 27 (italics and spelling as per text) * '''And Beasts that have ''Deliberation'', must necessarily also have ''Will''.''' ** The First Part, Chapter 6, p. 28 * For there is no such thing as perpetual [[Tranquility]] of mind, while we live here; because Life it selfe is but [[Motion]], and can never be without [[Desire]], nor without [[Fear|Feare]], no more than without Sense. ** The First Part, Chapter 6, p. 29 (See also: [[w:Rene Girard|Rene Girard]]) ==== Chapter 7 ==== * Of all ''Discourse'', governed by desire of Knowledge, there is at last an ''End'', either by attaining, or by giving over. ** The First Part, Chapter 7, p. 30 * When two, or more men, know of one and the same fact, they are said to be CONSCIOUS of it one to another; which is as much as to know it together. ** The First Part, Chapter 7, p. 31 ==== Chapter 8 ==== * The secret thoughts of a man run over all things, holy, prophane, clean, obscene, grave, and light, without shame, or blame… ** The First Part, Chapter 8, p. 34 ==== Chapter 9 ==== * The Register of ''Knowledge of Fact'' is called ''[[History]]''. ** The First Part, Chapter 9, p. 40 ==== Chapter 10 ==== * The ''Value'' or WORTH of a man, is as of all other things, his Price; that is to say, so much as would be given for the use of his Power... ** The First Part, Chapter 10, p. 42 * '''And as in other things, so in men, not the seller, but the buyer determines the Price.''' ** The First Part, Chapter 10, p. 42 ==== Chapter 11 ==== * By MANNERS, I mean not here Decency of behaviour; as how one man should salute another, or how a man should wash his mouth, or pick his teeth before company, and such other points of the ''Small'' ''Morals''; But those qualities of mankind that concern their living together in [[Peace]] and [[Unity]]. To which end we are to consider that the Felicity of this life consisteth not in the repose of a mind satisfied. For there is no such ''Finis ultimus'' (utmost aim) nor ''Summum Bonum'' (greatest good) as is spoken of in the books of the old Moral Philosophers. Nor can a man any more live whose desires are at an end than he whose Senses and Imaginations are at a stand. ** The First Part, Chapter 11, p. 47 * '''Felicity is a continual progress of the desire from one object to another, the attaining of the former being still but the way to the latter.'''The cause whereof is that the object of man's desire is not to enjoy once only, and for one instant of time, but to assure forever the way of his future desire. And therefore the voluntary actions and inclinations of all men tend not only to the procuring, but also to the assuring of a contented life, and differ only in the way, which ariseth partly from the diversity of passions in diverse men, and partly from the difference of the knowledge or opinion each one has of the causes which produce the effect desired. ** The First Part, Chapter 11, p. 47 * '''So that in the first place, I put for a general inclination of all mankind a perpetual and restless desire of Power after power, that ceaseth only in Death.''' And the cause of this is not always that a man hopes for a more intensive delight than he has already attained to, or that he cannot be content with a moderate power: but because he cannot assure the power and means to live well, which he hath present, without the acquisition of more. ** The First Part, Chapter 11, p. 47 * From the same it proceedeth, that men gives different names, to one and the same thing, from the difference of their own passions: As they that approve a private opinion, call it Opinion; but they that mislike it, Haeresie: and yet haeresie signifies no more than private opinion; but has only agreater tincture of choler ** The First Part, Chapter 11, p. 50 * And this Feare of things invisible, is the naturall Seed of that, which every one in himself calleth Religion; and in them that worship, or feare that Power otherwise than they do, Superstition. ** The First Part, Chapter 11, p. 51 * The doctrine of [[Right and wrong|Right and Wrong]], is perpetually disputed, both by Pen and the Sword: Whereas the doctrine of Lines, and Figures, is not so; because men care not, in that subject what be truth, as a thing that crosses no mans ambition, profit, or lust. For I doubt not, but if it had been a thing contrary to any mans right of dominion, or to the interest of men that have dominion, ''That the three Angles of a Triangle, should be equall to two Angles of a Square''; that doctrine should have been, if not disputed, yet by the burning of all books of Geometry, suppressed, as far as he whom it concerned was able. ** The First Part, Chapter 11, p. 80-81 ==== Chapter 12 ==== * And in these foure things, Opinion of Ghosts, Ignorance of second causes, Devotion towards what men fear, and Taking of things Casuall for Prognostics, consisteth the Natural seed of ''Religion''; which by reason of the different Fancies, Judgements, and Passions of severall men, hath grown up into ceremonies so different, that those which are used by one man, are for the most part ridiculous to another. ** The First Part, Chapter 12, p. 54 ==== Chapter 13 ==== [[File:Hand of the Mysteries.jpg|thumb| Such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; Yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves: For they see their own wit at hand, and other men's at a distance.]] * For Prudence, is but Experience; which equal time, equally bestows on all men, in those things they equally apply themselves unto. ** The First Part, Chapter 13, p. 60 * For such is the nature of men, that howsoever they may acknowledge many others to be more witty, or more eloquent, or more learned; Yet they will hardly believe there be many so wise as themselves: For they see their own wit at hand, and other men's at a distance. ** The First Part, Chapter 13, p. 61 * Hereby it is manifest, that during the time men live without a common Power to keep them all in awe, they are in that conditions called Warre; and such a warre, as is of every man, against every man. ** The First Part, Chapter 13, p. 62 * For Warre, consisteth not in Battell onely, or the act of fighting; but in a tract of time, wherein the Will to contend by Battell is sufficiently known: and therefore the notion of ''Time'', is to be considered in the nature of Warre; as it is in the nature of Weather. ** The First Part, Chapter 13, p. 62 * Whatsoever therefore is consequent to a time of [[War|Warre]], where every man is Enemy to every man; the same is consequent to the time, wherein men live without other security, than what their own strength, and their own invention shall furnish them withall. In such condition, there is no place for Industry; because the fruit thereof is uncertain: and consequently no Culture of the Earth; no Navigation, nor use of the commodities that may be imported by Sea; no commodious Building; no Instruments of moving, and removing things as require much force; no Knowledge of the face of the Earth; no account of Time; no Arts; no Letters; no Society; and which is worst of all, continuall feare, and danger of violent death; '''And the life of man solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.''' ** The First Part, Chapter 13, p. 62 ==== Chapter 14 ==== * The RIGHT OF NATURE, which Writers commonly call ''Jus Naturale'', is the [[Liberty]] each man hath, to use his own power, as he will himself, for the preservation of his own Nature; that is to say, of his own Life; and consequently, of doing any thing, which in his own Judgement, and Reason, he shall conceive to be the aptest means thereunto. ** The First Part, Chapter 14, p. 64 * And because the condition of Man, (as hath been declared in the precedent Chapter) is '''a condition of Warre of every one against everyone'''; in which case every one is governed by his own Reason; and there is nothing he can make use of, that may not be a help unto him, in preserving his life against his enemyes; It followeth, that in such a condition, every man has a Right to every thing; even to one anothers body. ** The First Part, Chapter 14, p. 64 * ''That a man be willing, when others are so too, as farre-forth, as for Peace, and defence of himself he shall think it necessary, to lay down this right to all things; and be contented with so much liberty against other men, as he would allow other men against himself.'' ** The First Part, Chapter 14, p. 64-65 * As first a man cannot lay down the right of resisting them, that assault him by force, to take away his life; because he cannot be understood to ayme thereby, at any Good to himself. ** The First Part, Chapter 14, p. 66 * '''A Covenant not to defend my selfe from force, by force, is always voyd.''' ** The First Part, Chapter 14, p. 69 ==== Chapter 15 ==== * ''Men looke not at the greatnesse of the evill past, but the greatnesse of the good to follow.'' ** The First Part, Chapter 15, p. 76 (Italics as per text) * "And seeing every man is presumed to do all things in order to his own benefit, no man is a fit Arbitrator in his own cause:" ** The First Part, Chapter 15, p. 78 * And though this may seem to subtile a deduction of the [[Laws of nature|Lawes of Nature]], to be taken notice of by all men;whereof the most part are too busie in getting food, and the rest too negligent to understand; yet to leave all men unexcusable, they have been contracted into one easie sum, intelligble, even to the meanest capacity; and that is, '''''Do not that to another, which thou wouldest not have done to thyselfe'';''' which sheweth him, that he has no more to do in learning the Lawes of Nature, but, when weighing the actions of other men with his own, they seem too heavy, to put them into the other part of the balance, and his own into their place, that his own passions, and selfe love, may adde nothing to the weight; and then there is none of these Laws of Nature that will not appear unto him very reasonable. ** The First Part, Chapter 15, p. 79 * And the Science of them, is the true and onely Moral Philosophy. For Moral Philosophy is nothing else but the Science of what is ''Good'', and ''Evill'', in the conversation, and Society of mankind. ''Good'', and ''Evill'', are names that signify our Appetites, and Aversions; which in different tempers, customes, and doctrines of men, are different: ** The First Part, Chapter 15, p. 79 ==== Chapter 17 ==== * For the Lawes of Nature (as ''Justice'', ''Equity'', ''Modesty'', ''Mercy'', and (in summe)''doing to others'', ''as wee would be done to'',) of themselves, without the terrour of some Power, to cause them to be observed, are contrary to our naturall Passions, that carry us to Partiality, Pride, Revenge, and the like. '''And Covenants, without the Sword, are but Words, and of no strength to secure a man at all.''' ** The Second Part, Chapter 17, p. 85 * ''"I Authorize and give up my Right of Governing my selfe, to this Man, or to his Assembly of men, on this condition, that thou that give up thy Right to him, and Authorise all his Actionsin like manner."'' This done, the Multitude so united in one Person, is called a COMMON-WEALTH, in latine CIVITAS. '''This is the Generation of that LEVIATHAN, or rather (to speake more reverently) of that ''Mortall God'', to which we owe under the ''Immortal God'', our peace and defence.''' ** The Second Part, Chapter 17, p. 87 (See also: [[w:Ten Commandments|Ten Commandments]]) ==== Chapter 18 ==== * As in the presence of the Master, the Servants are equall, and without any honour at all; So are the Subjects, in the presence of the [[Sovereignty|Soveraign]]. And though they shine some more, some lesse, when they are out of his sight; yet in his presence, they shine no more than the Starres in presence of the Sun. ** The Second Part, Chapter 18, p. 93 ==== Chapter 19 ==== * '''From whence it follows, that were the publique and private interest are most closely united, there is the publique most advanced.''' ** The Second Part, Chapter 19, p. 97 ==== Chapter 21 ==== * No man is bound by the words themselves, either to kill himselfe, or any other man. ** The Second Part, Chapter 21, p. 112 ==== Chapter 22 ==== * For all uniting of strength by private men, is, if for evil intent, unjust; if for intent unknown, dangerous to the Publique, and unjustly concealed. ** The Second Part, Chapter 22, p. 122 (See also: [[w:Secret society|Secret society]]) ==== Chapter 24 ==== * For naturall Bloud is in like manner made of the fruits of the Earth; and circulating, nourisheth by the way, every Member of the Body of Man. ** The Second Part, Chapter 24, p. 130 (See also: [[w:Velocity of money|Velocity of money]]) ==== Chapter 25 ==== * But if one Subject giveth Counsell to another, to do anything contrary to the Lawes, whether that Counsell proceed from evil intention, or from ignorance onely, it is punishable by the Common-wealth; because '''ignorance of the Law, is no good excuse''', where every man is bound to take notice of the Lawes to which he is subject. ** The Second Part, Chapter 25, p. 132 ==== Chapter 26 ==== * " '''and where men build on false grounds, the more they build, the greater is the ruine''':" ** The Second Part, Chapter 26, p. 140 * '''The Interpretation of the Laws of Nature in a Common-wealth, dependeth not on the books of Moral Philosophy.''' The Authority of writers, without the Authority of the Commonwealth, maketh not their opinions Law, be they never so true. ** The Second Part, Chapter 26, p. 143 * '''No man's error becomes his own Law; nor obliges him to persist in it.''' ** The Second Part, Chapter 26, p. 144 ==== Chapter 27 ==== [[File:Thomas Hobbes.jpeg|thumb|The source of every [[Crime]], is some defect of the Understanding; or some error in Reasoning; or some sudden force of the Passions.]] * So that every Crime is a sinne; but not every sinne a Crime. ** The Second Part, Chapter 27, p. 151 * The source of every [[Crime]], is some defect of the Understanding; or some error in Reasoning, or some sudden force of the Passions. Defect in the Understanding, is Ignorance; in Reasoning, Erroneous Opinion. ** The Second Part, Chapter 27, p. 152 * "Fact be vertuous, or vicious, as Fortune pleaseth;" ** The Second Part, Chapter 27, p. 153 * As for [...] Of all passions, that which inclineth men least to break the laws is fear. ** The Second Part, Chapter 27 ==== Chapter 29 ==== * Another doctrine repugnant to [[Civil society|Civill Society]], is that ''whatsoever'' ''a man does against his [[Conscience]], is [[Sin|Sinne]]''; and it dependeth on the presumption of making himself judge of [[Good and evil|Good and Evill]]. For a man's Conscience and his [[Judgment|Judgement]] are the same thing, and as the Judgement, so also the Conscience may be erroneous. ** The Second Part, Chapter 29, p. 168 * As also the great number of Corporations; which are as it were many lesser Common-wealths in the bowels of a greater, like wormes in the entrayles of a natural man. ** The Second Part, Chapter 29, p. 174 ==== Chapter 30 ==== [[File:King Charles I after original by van Dyck.jpg|thumb|The office of the sovereign... consisteth in the end for which he was trusted with the sovereign [[power]], namely the procuration of the [[safety]] of the people, to which he is obliged by the law of nature.]] * The office of the sovereign, be it a [[Monarchy|monarch]] or an assembly, consisteth in the end for which he was trusted with the sovereign power, namely the procuration of the safety of the people, to which he is obliged by the law of nature, and to render an account thereof to God, the Author of that law, and to none but Him. But by safety here is not meant a bare preservation, but also all other contentments of life, which every man by lawful industry, without danger or hurt to the Commonwealth, shall acquire to himself. <br /> And this is intended should be done, not by care applied to individuals, further than their protection from injuries when they shall complain; but by a general providence, contained in public instruction, both of doctrine and example; and in the making and executing of good laws to which individual persons may apply their own cases. ** The Second Part, Chapter 30: Of the Office of the Sovereign Representative * Time, and Industry, produce everyday new knowledge. ** The Second Part, Chapter 30, p. 176 * And whereas many men, by accident unevitable, become unable to maintain themselves by their labour; they ought not to be left to the Charity of private persons; but to be provided for, (as far-forth as the necessities of Nature require,) by the Lawes of the Common-wealth. For as it is Unchariablenesse in any man, to neglect the impotent; so it is in the Soveraign of a Common-wealth, to expose them to the hazard of such uncertain Charity. ** The Second Part, Chapter 30, p. 181 * And when all the world is overcharged with Inhabitants, then the last remedy of all is Warre, which provideth for every man, by Victory or Death. ** The Second Part, Chapter 30, p. 181 ==== Chapter 31 ==== * And hereby it comes to passe, that Intemperance, is naturally punished with [[Disease|Diseases]]; Rashness, with Mischance; Injustice; with Violence of Enemies; Pride, with Ruine; Cowardice, with Oppression; Negligent government of Princes, with Rebellion; and Rebellion with Slaughter. ** The Second Part, Chapter 31, p. 194 ==== Chapter 32 ==== * To say he hath spoken to him in a Dream, is no more then to say he dreamed that God spake to him; which is not of force to win beleef from any man, that knows dreams are for the most part naturall, and may proceed from former thoughts; and such dreams as that, from selfe conceit, and foolish arrogance, and false opinion of a mans own goodlinesse, or other vertue, by which he thinks he hath merited the favour of extraordinary Revelation. To say he hath seen a Vision, or heard a Voice, is to say, that he dreamed between sleeping and waking: for in such manner a man doth many times naturally take his dream for a vision, as not having well observed his own slumbering. To say he speaks by supernaturall Inspiration, is to say he finds an ardent desire to speak, or some strong opinion of himself, for which hee can alledge no naturall and sufficient reason. So that though God Almighty can speak to a man, by Dreams, Visions, Voice, and Inspiration; yet he obliges no man to beleeve he hath so done to him that pretends it; who (being a man) may erre, and (which is more) may lie. ** The Third Part, Chapter 32<!--p.271, [https://books.google.com/books?id=2oc6AAAAMAAJ University Press, (1904)]--> ==== Chapter 36 ==== * And for Incoherent Speech, it was amongst the Gentiles taken for one sort of Prophecy, because the Prophets of their Oracles, intoxicated with a spirit, or vapor from the cave of the Pythian Oracle at Delphi, were for a time really mad, and spake like mad-men; of whoose loose words a sense might be made to fit any event, in such sort, as all bodies are said to be made of ''Materia prima''. ** The Third Part, Chapter 36, p. 226 (See also: [[w:Glossolalia|Glossolalia]]) ==== Chapter 42 ==== * Power as is really divided, and as dangerously to all purposes, by sharing with another an ''Indirect'' Power, as a ''Direct'' one. ** The Third Part, Chapter 42, p. 315 ==== Chapter 43 ==== * Christian Kings may erre in deducing a Consequence, but who shall Judge? ** The Third Part, Chapter 43, p. 330 * '''For it is not the bare Words, but the Scope of the writer that giveth true light,''' by which any writing is to bee interpreted; and they that insist upon single Texts, without considering the main Designe, can derive no thing from them clearly; but rather by casting atomes of Scripture, as dust before mens eyes, make everything more obscure than it is; an ordinary artifice of those who seek not the truth, but their own advantage. ** The Third Part, Chapter 43, p. 331 ==== Chapter 46 ==== * For as there were Plants of Corn and Wine in small quantity Dispersed in the Fields and Woods, before men knew their vertue, or made use of them for their nourishment, or planted them apart in Fields,and also there have been divers true, generall, and profitable Speculations from the beginning; as being the naturall plants of humane Reason: But they were at first but few in number; men lived upon grosse Experience; there was no Method; that is to say, no Sowing, nor Planting of Knowledge by it self, apart from the Weeds, and common Plants of Errour and Conjecture: And the cause of it being the want of leasure from procuring the necessities of life, and defending themselves against their neighbours, it was impossible, till the erecting of great Common-wealths, it should be otherwise. '''Leisure is the mother of Philosophy; and Common-wealth, the mother of Peace, and Leisure: Where first were great and flourishing Cities, there was first the study of Philosophy.''' ** The Fourth Part, Chapter 46, p. 368 ==== Chapter 46 ==== * And if a man consider the original of this great Ecclesiastical Dominion, he will easily perceive, that the ''Papacy'', is no other than the ''Ghost'' of the deceased ''[[Roman Empire|Romane Empire]]'', sitting crowned upon the grave thereof: For so did the Papacy start up on a Sudden out of the Ruines of that Heathen Power. ** The Fourth Part, Chapter 47, p. 386 (See also: [[Arnold J. Toynbee]], ''[[w:A Study of History|A Study of History]]'', vol. 1) ==== Review and Conclusion ==== * But if it bee well considered, The praise of Ancient Authors, proceeds not from the reverence of the Dead, but from the competition and mutual envy of the Living. ** Review and Conclusion, p. 395 * For such Truth as opposeth no man's profit nor pleasure is to all men welcome. ** Review and Conclusion, p. 396 (Last text line) == Attributed == * To understand this for sense it is not required that a man should be a geometrician or a logician, but that he should be mad. ** On the proposition that the volume generated by revolving the region under 1/x from 1 to infinity has finite volume. Quoted in N. Rose, ''Mathematical Maxims and Minims'' (1988) * The thoughts are to the desires, as scouts and spies, to range abroad and find the way to the thing desired. ** Reported in [[Robert P. George]], [[w:Conscience and Its Enemies|''Conscience and Its Enemies'']] (2013) pt. 2, ch. 8, p. 81 * Now I am about to take my last voyage, a great leap in the dark. ** Last words{{citation needed}} == Quotes about Thomas Hobbes == [[File:S.E.C.C. striped pole and Hero Twins HRoe 2008.jpg|thumb|Was Hobbes right? Do humans have an unquenchable desire for power that, in the absence of a strong ruler, inevitably leads to a war of all against all? To judge from surviving examples of bands and villages, for the greater part of prehistory our kind got along quite well without so much as a paramount chief, let alone the all-powerful English [[w:Leviathan (book)|leviathan]] King and [[w:Imperial cult|Mortal God]], whom Hobbes believed was needed for maintaining law and order among his fractious countrymen. ~ [[Marvin Harris]]]] * In ''Leviathan'', Thomas Hobbes described the life of man as “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.” For most animals, especially those who have the misfortune of being tasty, this much seems true. However, for many human animals in the modern era, Hobbes’s depiction of life simply does not apply. Sadly, despite the cosmic luck that has afforded this luxurious and uniquely human lifestyle, many among us have lost our appreciation for the rarity of this phenomenon, both in the immediate sense and in the deep sense of cosmological time. ** Charles Alt, in a review of Nicholas Money's ''The Selfish Ape'', published in ''The Quarterly Review of Biology'', Vol. 95, No. 4 (December 2020). * The purpose of the ''{{W|Leviathan (Hobbes book)|Leviathan}}'' was to expand the basis of human government; in the course of his discussion Hobbes raised many detailed [[question]]s about the {{W|books of the Bible}}. In this way he participated in the development of critical {{W|Biblical studies|Bible study}}. ** {{W|Albert Edwin Avey}}, {{cite book|title=Handbook in the History of Philosophy|year=1954|publisher=Barnes & Noble|location=New York|page=133}} * He was beloved by his lordship <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Francis Bacon]]<nowiki>]</nowiki>... who was wont to have him walk in his delicate groves, where he did meditate; and when a notion darted into his mind, Mr. Hobbes was presently to write it down. And his Lordship was wont to say that he did it better than any one else about him; for that many times when he read their notes he scarce understood what they writ, because they understood it not clearly themselves. ** [[John Aubrey]], as quoted by [[w:John Richard Green|John Richard Green]], ''History of the English People'', [https://books.google.com/books?id=0BsyAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA297 Vol.3] (1887) describing Hobbes' secretarial abilities under Bacon * He was... 40 years old before he looked upon geometry; which happened accidentally. Being in a gentleman's library..., [[Euclid]]'s Elements lay open, and 'twas the 47 El. libri I. He read the proposition. 'By G—,' sayd he (he would now and then sweare, by way of emphasis), 'this is impossible!' So he reads the demonstration of it, which referred him back to such a proposition, which proposition he read. That referred him back to another, which he also read. ''Et sic deinceps'', that at last was demonstrably convinced of the truth. This made him in love with geometry. ** [[John Aubrey]], A ''Brief Life of Thomas Hobbes, 1588-1679'' (1898) as quoted by Stephen J. Finn, ''Thomas Hobbes and the Politics of Natural Philosophy'' (2004) * Our current conception of mathematics as an ideal science, of geometry in particular as dealing with an ideal space, rather than the actual space in which the universe is set, was a notion quite unformulated before Hobbes, and not taken seriously till the middle of the eighteenth century, though it was dimly felt after by a few [[w:Aristotelianism|Aristotelian]] opponents of [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]]. ** [[Edwin Arthur Burtt]], ''[[The Metaphysical Foundations of Modern Physical Science]]'' (1925) * There are, it is true, masterpieces of [[political philosophy]] in the [[English language]]: Hobbes' ''[[W:Leviathan (book)|Leviathan]]'' is an obvious example. But the true character of this debate has been empirical: the discussion of particular and practical issues, in the course of which a clash of principle and attitude is brought out, but in which the element of abstract thought is always kept in relation to an immediate and actual situation. ** {{w|Alan Bullock}} and {{w|Maurice Shock}}, ''The Liberal Tradition from Fox to Keynes'' (1956), "General Preface" * '''The bitterest of all quarrels was that in which Hobbes sought to defend himself against the accusations of atheistic and immoral teaching''' which haunted him throughout his life and persisted for decades after his death. Writers, theological and philosophical, many of them incapable of understanding Hobbes, united in these clamorous charges against him. The clergyman who wrote the "Dialogue between Philautes and Timothy" (London 1673) fairly illustrates the critics of Hobbes's own age, who believed that Hobbes had "said more for a bad life and against any other life after this than ever was pleaded by philosopher or divine to the contrary." The allusions of [[John Locke|Locke]] and [[George Berkeley|Berkeley]] to 'that atheist Hobbes' reflect the opinions of the generations following. ...Hobbes certainly teaches that there is a God, and that faith in [[Jesus Christ]] is the supreme religious duty. True, he also teaches that God is corporeal, but only in the sense in which, as he believes, men, also, are purely corporeal. However theoretically unjustified the doctrine, it is certainly compatible—as Hobbes holds it—with religious teaching. The ethics of Hobbes, also, inculcates all the practical duties of a Christian morality, though it founds them on a psychologically inadequate basis: the assumption that all men are radically selfish. In a word, '''Hobbes was unfairly treated; his reputation suffered unjustly; and—more unfortunate than all—the suspicion of his atheism kept people from the study of his vigorous metaphysics and his acute psychology.''' ** [[w:Mary Whiton Calkins|Mary Whiton Calkins]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=R_s8AAAAYAAJ The Persistent Problems of Philosophy]'' (1917) * I have seen a translation by Hobbes, which I prefer for its greater clumsiness. Many years have passed since I saw it, but it made me laugh immoderately. Poetry that is not good can only make amends for that deficiency by being ridiculous... ** [[William Cowper]], of Hobbes's translation of Homer, in a letter to [[w:Thomas Park|Thomas Park]] (July 15, 1793), published in ''The Works of William Cowper: His Life and Letters'' by [[w:William Hayley|William Hayley]], ed. [[w:Thomas Shuttleworth Grimshawe|T. S. Grimshawe]], Vol. V (1835), p. 161 * Perhaps the most influential book ever written on the characteristics of men in politics is ''[[The Prince]]'', by the great [[Renaissance]] [[Italians|Italian]] [[Niccolò Machiavelli|Nicolo Machiavelli]] (1469-1527). Despite its enduring popularity, fascination, and authority it is extremely one-sided and unsystematic. … More systematic in its treatment of political man than ''The Prince'', though about equally one-sided, is Hobbes' first section of The Leviathan entitled “Of Man.” Hobbes' psychological assumptions bear a remarkable resemblance to the modern school of [[psychology]] often called Behaviorism. ** [[Robert A. Dahl]], ''Modern Political Analysis'' (1963), p. 113 * Thomas Hobbes was the first [[sociobiologist]], two hundred years before [[Charles Darwin|Darwin]]. ** [[w:Daniel Dennett|Daniel Dennett]], Darwin's Dangerous Idea, p. 453 *No more comprehensive, tightly structured, and closely argued political philosophy exists than Hobbes set out in ''Leviathan''. It shocks our conventional assumptions, and it is disquieting. For the sake of peace and order, religion cannot be allowed the political power and conscientious authority it has often claimed. To cure our political ills and contain the state of war we may have to submit to governments we thoroughly dislike. The most prevalent and powerful human traits of human nature are unpleasant and socially destructive. It is this insight which touches a raw nerve of truth with so many readers. Modern man, if not all mankind, is ominously close to Hobbes's account of us—competitive, acquisitive, possessive, restless, individualistic, self-concerned, and insatiable in our demands for whatever we see in isolation as our own good. It is this point of realism which almost all other political philosophies underestimate, and which Hobbes gets memorably right in his great endeavour to deliver us from a life consistent with our own natures, and of our own making; a life which would be solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short. **J. C. A. Gaskin, 'Introduction', ''Leviathan'' (Oxford University Press, 1996), p. xliii * Both his works [''De Cive'' and ''Leviathan''] were condemned by Parliament, and "Hobbism" became, ere he died, a popular synonym for irreligion and immorality. ...'''Hobbes was the first great English writer who dealt with the science of government from the ground, not of tradition, but of reason.''' ...Hobbes ...denied the existence of the more spiritual sides of man's nature. '''His hard and narrow logic''' dissected every human custom and desire, and '''reduced even the most sacred to demonstrations of a prudent selfishness. Friendship was simply a sense of social utility to one another.''' ...Nothing better illustrates the daring with which the new skepticism was to break through the theological traditions of the older world than the pitiless logic with which Hobbes assailed the very theory of revelation. ** [[w:John Richard Green|John Richard Green]], ''History of the English People'', [https://books.google.com/books?id=0BsyAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA298 Vol.3] (1887) * Can humans exist without some people ruling and others being ruled? The founders of political science did not think so. "I put for a general inclination of mankind, a perpetual and restless desire for power after power, that ceaseth only in death," declared Thomas Hobbes. Because of this innate lust for power, Hobbes thought that life before (or after) the state was a "war of every man against every man"&mdash;"solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short." Was Hobbes right? Do humans have an unquenchable desire for power that, in the absence of a strong ruler, inevitably leads to a war of all against all? To judge from surviving examples of bands and villages, for the greater part of prehistory our kind got along quite well without so much as a paramount chief, let alone the all-powerful English leviathan King and Mortal God, whom Hobbes believed was needed for maintaining law and order among his fractious countrymen. ** Anthropologist [[Marvin Harris]], ''Our Kind: Who We Are, Where We Came From, Where We Are Going'' (1989) * The great thinker from whom the basic ideas of what we shall call constructivist rationalism received their most complete expression was [[René Descartes]]. But while he refrained from drawing the conclusions from them for social and moral arguments, these were mainly elaborated by his slightly older (but much more long-lived) contemporary, Thomas Hobbes. Although Descartes’ immediate concern was to establish criteria for the truth of propositions, these were inevitably also applied by his followers to judge the appropriateness and justification of actions. ** [[Friedrich Hayek]], ''[[Law, Legislation and Liberty]], Vol. 1 : Rules and Order'' (1973), Ch. 1 : Reason and Evolution * Although longer experience may have lent some older members of these bands some authority, it was mainly shared aims and perceptions that coordinated the activities of their members. These modes of coordination depended decisively on instincts of solidarity and altruism - instincts applying to the members of one's own group but not to others. The members of these small groups could thus exist only as such: an isolated man would soon have been a dead man. '''The primitive individualism described by Thomas Hobbes is''' hence '''a myth. The savage is not solitary, and his instinct is collectivist. There was never a 'war of all against all'.''' ** [[Friedrich Hayek]], ''[[The Fatal Conceit]]'' (1988), Ch. 1 : Between Instinct and Reason * '''The thought has surely occurred to many people throughout the ages: what if there is an afterlife but no god? What if there is a god but no afterlife? As far as I know, the clearest writer to give expression to this problem was Thomas Hobbes in his 1651 masterwork ''Leviathan''.''' I strongly recommend that you read part III, chapter 38, and part IV, chapter 44, for yourselves, because '''Hobbe's command of both holy scripture and the English language is quite breathtaking. He also reminds us of how perilous it was, and always has been, even to think about these things.''' ...Having planted the subversive thought—that forbidding Adam to eat from one tree lest he die and from another lest he live forever, is absurd and contradictory... he acknowledged the process by which people are always free to make up a religion that suits or gratifies or flatters them. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], ''[[God Is Not Great]]'' Hachette Digital, Inc. (2007) * The irony here is quite remarkable: Hobbes, who would later spend years publishing and defending numerous attempts to [[w:Squaring the circle#History|square the circle]], published his first mathematical work as part of a campaign to silence an old circle squarer. Indeed, less than a decade after his participation in [[w:John Pell|Pell]]'s battle with [[w:Christen Sørensen Longomontanus|Longomontanus]], '''Hobbes would find himself involved in a prolonged and bitter controversy that centered on his claims to have squared the circle, and he would go to his grave insisting that he had solved this ancient geometrical problem.''' ** Douglas M. Jesseph, ''Squaring the Circle: The War Between Hobbes and Wallis'' (2000)<!--p.3--> * '''It was supposedly the discovery of mathematics at the age of forty that led Hobbes to attempt to cast all of philosophy on the model of geometry.''' ** Douglas M. Jesseph, ''Squaring the Circle: The War Between Hobbes and Wallis'' (2000)<!--p.4--> * In spite of all these points of similarity, Hobbes is not generally regarded as a liberal political theorist in the full sense of the term. Although his approach is distinctively liberal, his conclusions are not. We have seen that he views freedom as the absence of interference, and so coincides with the liberal position in this regard. In addition, he believes that the erection of government represents an increase of freedom. ** George Klosko, ''History of Political Theory: An Introduction: Volume II: Modern'' (2013), Chap. 2 : Thomas Hobbes * '''It was not until the Twelfth Century of our era that the [[w:Torah|Pentateuch]] as a whole was subjected to rational scrutiny.''' The man who undertook the ungrateful task was a learned [[Spain|Spanish]] rabbi, [[w:Abraham_ben_Meir_ibn_Ezra|Abraham ben Meir ibn Esra]]. He unearthed many absurdities, '''but... it was not until five hundred years later that anything properly describable as scientific criticism... came into being. Its earliest shining lights were the English philosopher Thomas Hobbes, and the [[Amsterdam]] [[Judaism|Jew]], [[Baruch Spinoza]]. ..and ever since then the [[Old Testament]] has been under searching and devastating examination.''' ** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''[[Treatise on the Gods]]'' (1930) * The pervasiveness of social dilemmas has repeatedly been recognized in the great books of political philosophy. Hobbes described such a setting as a “war of all against all.” [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Rousseau]] used a stag hunt to illustrate the problem of a group needing to all work together to hunt a large [[Animals|animal]] but facing the temptation to break up into separate groups when small animals appeared on the scene that were easy to catch. A small group could catch a [[Rabbits|rabbit]], but ruined the chance for the group to obtain a large animal. ** [[Elinor Ostrom]], ''Understanding Institutional Diversity'' (2005), Ch. 2 : Zooming In and Linking Action Situations *[I]n the past two decades anthropologists have gathered data on life and death in pre-state societies rather than accepting the warm and fuzzy stereotypes. What did they find? In a nutshell: '''[[Hobbes]] was right, [[Rousseau]] was wrong.''' **[[Steven Pinker]], ''[[w:The Blank Slate|The Blank Slate]]'' (2002), [http://books.google.com/books?id=ePNi4ZqYdVQC&q=%22hobbes+was+right%22 p. 95] * There are several passages in Hobbes's translation of [[Homer]], which, if they had been writ on purpose to ridicule that poet, would have done very well. ** [[Alexander Pope]], as quoted in ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820) by [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]], p. 285 * The question concerning the role of the state in preserving territorial integrity is raised by the recent events in the former [[Soviet Union]] and former [[Yugoslavia]]: why do some multinational states survive the collapse of the [[Authoritarianism|authoritarian]] regime while others do not? Except in [[Spain]], [[democratization]] occurred until recently in countries where the integrity of the state was not problematic. The [[w:dissolution_of_the_Soviet_Union|breakup of the Soviet Union]], [[Yugoslav Wars|Yugoslavia]], and Czechoslovakia raises a new set of issues because there democratization unleashed movements for national independence; indeed, for some political forces, democratization is synonymous with national self-determination and the breakdown of the multinational state that was maintained by authoritarian rule. Under such conditions, '''Hobbes's first problem - how to avoid being killed by others - is logically and historically prior to his second problem - how to prevent people within the same community from killing one another.''' ** [[Adam Przeworski]], ''Sustainable Democracy'' (1995), "Introduction" * Hobbes's ''Leviathan'' is the greatest single work of political thought in the English language. ** [[John Rawls]], Lectures on the History of Political Philosophy, p. 1 * This [[wikipedia:Diplomatic_revolution|diplomatic revolution]], part of the growing bureaucratization of government, was complemented by a [[revolution]] in political ideas that we can measure in the changing use of the term “state.” In the fourteenth century the [[Latin]] term ''status'' (and vernacular equivalents such as ''estat'' or ''state'') was mainly used with reference to the standing of rulers themselves, much as we would today use the term “status.” Thus the chronicler [[Jean Froissart]], describing [[Edward III of England|King Edward III]] entertaining foreign dignitaries in 1327, recorded that his queen “was to be seen there in an estat of great [[nobility]].” Gradually, however, usage was extended to include the institutions of government. In the works of [[Niccolò Machiavelli|Machiavelli]], written in the 1510s, ''lo stato'' becomes an independent agent, separate from those who happen to be its rulers. In a similar vein, [[wikipedia:Thomas_Starkey|Thomas Starkey]], the [[England|English]] political commentator of the 1530s, claimed that the “office and duty” of rulers was to “maintain the state established in the country” over which they ruled. The thrust of such arguments was to limit the power of kings by postulating their higher obligation to the common good. In radical hands this implied that subjects had the right to overthrow [[Tyranny|tyrannical]] rulers, which is what happened in the [[English Civil War|English civil wars]] of the 1640s and [[Protestant Reformation|Europe’s bitter wars of religion]]. Responding to this crisis of governance,Thomas Hobbes moved the debate to a different level, defining the state as “an artificial man” abstractly encapsulating the whole populace, who enjoys absolute [[sovereignty]] (his “artificial soul . . . giving life and motion to the body”) which is exercised in practice through a sovereign ruler. This gradual but dramatic word shift, from the medieval state of princes to the person of the Hobbesian state, was hugely important for political thought. It also reinforced the decline of dynastic summitry: [[diplomacy]], like governance, was no longer regarded as the sole prerogative of [[Prince|princes]]. ** David Reynolds, ''Summits: Six Meetings that Changed the Twentieth Century'' (2007), p. 18 * The study of politics is a form of natural history. Thomas Hobbes loathed [[Aristotle]]’s [[politics]], and in ''Leviathan'' followed [[Plato]] in modeling politics on [[geometry]]; but he admired Aristotle’s [[biology]]. One consequence of that “biological” style is important, not only because it was at odds with Hobbes’s—and Plato’s—hankering after political geometry. Aristotle claimed that political analysis should aim only “at as much precision as the subject matter permits.” Political wisdom cannot aspire to the precision of geometry, and must not pretend to. Aboriculture suggests an analogy: most trees grow best in firm soil with a moderate water supply; a few thrive with their roots in mud and water. ** [[Alan Ryan]], ''On Politics: A History of Political Thought: From Herodotus to the Present'' (2012), Ch. 3 : Aristotle: Politics Is Not Philosophy *The reasoning of [[Caligula]] agrees with that of Hobbes and [[Hugo Grotius|Grotius]]. **[[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''The Social Contract'', I Ch.2 * It is a remarkable fact that, in a history extending over nearly twenty-five hundred years, a considerable part of the most significant writing on political philosophy was done in two periods of only about fifty years each and in two places of quite restricted area. … The Second place was England, and the period was the half century between 1640 and 1690, which produced the works of Hobbes and [[John Locke|Locke]], together with the works of a host of lesser figures. ** [[w:George Holland Sabine|George Sabine]], "What is a Political Theory?" (1939) * Hobbes himself had experienced this truth in the terrible times of civil war, because then all legitimate and normative illusions with which men like to deceive themselves regarding political realities in periods of untroubled security vanish. If within the state there are organized parties capable of according their members more protection than the state, then the latter becomes at best an annex of such parties, and the individual citizen knows whom he has to obey. ** [[Carl Schmitt]], ''The Concept of the Political'' * When Hobbes referred to the dire state of human beings in having ‘nasty, brutish and short’ lives, he also pointed, in the same sentence, to the disturbing adversity of being ‘solitary’. Escape from isolation may not only be important for the quality of human life, it can also contribute powerfully to understanding and responding to the other deprivations from which human beings suffer. There is surely a basic strength here which is complementary to the engagement in which theories of justice are involved. ** [[Amartya Sen]], ''[[The Idea of Justice]]'', 2009; Ch. 18. Justice and the World *At the core of Hobbes’s theory of political authority is the provision of security. “The end of Obedience is Protection,” Hobbes insists in chapter 21 of ''Leviathan.'' The Obligation of Subjects to the Soveraign, is understood to last as long, and no longer, than the power lasteth, by which he is able to protect them.” This is because “the right men have by Nature to protect themselves, when none else can protect them, can by no Covenant be relinquished.”<sup>6</sup> The king’s rightful authority is rooted in his capacity to protect his subjects. As a result, their obligation to obey him, unqualified as it is while it lasts, expires with the king’s ability to protect them.<br>Hobbes spelled this out even more perspicaciously in his discussion of conquest—with clear implications for what was at stake in the Engagement controversy. A person is conquered not by being slain or imprisoned. (In the latter case “he is still an Enemy, and may save himself if hee can.”) Rather, “he that upon promise of Obedience, hath his Life and Liberty allowed him, is then Conquered, and a Subject; and not before.” The long and short of it was that once Parliament had replaced the king as protector of the [[English people|people of England]], they owed Parliament their unqualified allegiance. Engagement was therefore legitimate. Indeed, in the circumstances after 1649, it was obligatory. And it would follow, a fortiori, that should Parliament lose the capacity to provide protection, then the obligation to Engage would cease as well.<br>In this way, Hobbes could counsel [[Charles I of England|Charles]]’s supporters to promise allegiance to [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|Parliament]], but they could do it in a manner that would not compromise their ability to support the king in the event of a restoration. As it turned out, making this move alienated Hobbes from many royalists—even though he offered them a doctrine that promised to get them out of a tight spot and hedge their bets for the future. Their attachment, it seems, was to Charles himself, or at least to the institution of the monarchy. **Ian Shapiro, "Introduction: Reading Hobbes Today", in Thomas Hobbes, ''Leviathan'' (Yale University Press, 2010) * The long life of Thomas Hobbes covers almost the whole of the most critical period alike in the growth of modern science and in the development of the British Constitution. Born in the year of the [[w:Spanish Armada|Armada]], Hobbes did not die until nine years before the [[w:Glorious Revolution|great Revolution]] which finally determined the question whether the British Islands should be ruled constitutionally or absolutely. He lived through the [[w:House of Stuart|Stuart]] attempt to convert England into an absolute monarchy, the Puritan revolution and [[w:English Civil War|great Civil War]], the political and ecclesiastical experiments of the [[w:Long Parliament|Long Parliament]] and of [[Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]], the [[w:Restoration (England)|restoration]] of the exiled line, and the beginnings of modern [[w:Whiggism|Whiggism]] and [[w:Nonconformist|Nonconformity]]. Still more remarkable were the changes which came over the face of science during the same period. When Hobbes entered the University as a lad, the sham [[w:Aristotelianism|Aristotelianism]] of the Middle Ages was still officially taught in its lecture-rooms; before he died, mechanical science had been placed on a secure footing by [[Johannes Kepler|Kepler]], [[Galileo Galilei|Galileo]], and [[René Descartes|Descartes]], the foundations of the scientific study of physiology and magnetism had been laid by [[William Harvey|Harvey]] and [[William Gilbert (astronomer)|Gilbert]], the [[w:Royal Society|Royal Society]] for experimental research into nature had been incorporated for more than a generation, analytical geometry had been created by Descartes, and the calculus by [[Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz|Leibniz]] and [[Isaac Newton|Newton]], while it was only eight years after his death that the final exposition of the new mechanical conception of the universe was given by Newton's ''[[w:Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica|Principia]]''. '''It is only natural that a philosopher who was also a keen observer of men and affairs, living through such a period of crisis, should have made the most daring of all attempts to base the whole of knowledge on the principles of mechanical materialism, and should also have become the creator of a purely naturalistic theory of ethics and sociology.''' ** [[w:Alfred Edward Taylor|Alfred Edward Taylor]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=gitLAAAAMAAJ Thomas Hobbes]'' (1908)<!--pp.5-6--> * The first-fruits of... renewed interest in learning was an [[English language|English]] translation of [[Thucydides]], published in 1628-9, for the purpose, as Hobbes said at the time, of educating his readers in the true principles of statesmanship. Afterwards, '''when his absolutist political theories had been fully developed, he wished it to be believed that his real object had been to warn Englishmen against the dangers of democracy, by showing them how much wiser a single great statesman is than a multitude.''' ** Alfred Edward Taylor, ''Thomas Hobbes'' (1908)<!--p.5--> * Foremost among his friends stands [[Francis Bacon]], who 'loved to converse with him,' and employed him on the translation of some of the famous ''[[w:Essays (Francis Bacon)|Essays]]''... into Latin. This connection can be shown to belong to the years 1621-6 when Bacon, after his political disgrace, was devoting himself entirely to scientific work... '''The influence of Bacon''', however, has '''left no trace on Hobbes's own matured thought. He... has no place for 'Baconian induction' in his own conception of scientific method. Bacon's zeal for experiment''', the redeeming feature in an otherwise chaotic scheme of thought, '''is entirely alien to the essentially deductive and systematic spirit of the Hobbian philosophy.''' ** Alfred Edward Taylor, ''Thomas Hobbes'' (1908)<!--pp.5-6--> * At the age of forty he was, for the first time, introduced to the works of Euclid, and at once 'fell in love with geometry,' being attracted, he says, more by the rigorous manner of proof employed than by the matter of the science. ('''Mathematics'''... '''were then only beginning to be seriously studied in England. Hobbes tells us that in his undergraduate days geometry was still looked upon generally as a form of the 'Black Art,'''' and it was not until 1619 that the will of [[w:Henry Savile (Bible translator)|Sir Henry Savile]], Warden of Merton College, established the first [[w:Savilian Professor of Geometry|Professorships of Geometry and Astronomy]] at [[University of Oxford|Oxford]].) ** [[w:Alfred Edward Taylor|Alfred Edward Taylor]], ''Thomas Hobbes'' (1908)<!--p.7--> * Wants and possessions might have standards and limits, but pride makes property the instrument for satisfying the lust for power and social superiority. [[Thomas More|More]] is already on the way to an analysis of pride that was later continued by Hobbes for the case of religious election as the instrument of satisfying pride. And More, like Hobbes, despairs of finding the cure for the diseased souls in a reawakening of the life of the spirit. Hobbes devised the Leviathan as the external power that will repress the proud by force; and More devises the propertyless society as the external, institutional measure that will have to substitute for the cure of the souls. It is perhaps not needless to stress that the conception of this remedy is as un-Platonic as anything can be. ** [[Eric Voegelin]], "More’s ''Utopia''" (1951) * Swift had read Hobbes, an experience not easily forgotten. ** [[Will Durant]] and Ariel Durant. [[The Story of Civilization]], ''VIII The Age of Louis XIV'' (1963)<!--p.351--> * Thomas Hobbes has always been thought of as the arch materialist, the first man to uphold go-getting as a creed. But that is a travesty of Hobbes's opinion. He was a go-getter in a sense, but it was the going, not the getting he extolled. The race had no finishing post as Hobbes conceived it. The great thing about the race was to be in it, to be a contestant in the attempt to make the world a better place, and it was a spiritual death he had in mind when he said that to forsake the course is to die. 'There is no such thing as perpetual tranquility of mind while we live here,' he told us in Leviathan, 'because life itself is but a motion and can never be without desire, or without fear, no more than without sense'; 'there can be no contentment but in proceeding.' I agree. ** [[Peter Medawar]], The Effecting of All Things Possible (1969) == See also == {{Philosophy of science}} {{Social and political philosophers}} == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:Thomas Hobbes}} *{{wikisource-inline| Leviathan}} *{{commonscat-inline}} * [http://www.iep.utm.edu/h/hobmoral.htm Hobbes] at the Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy * [http://www.philosophypages.com/hy/3x.htm Hobbes] at The Philosophy pages * [http://cepa.newschool.edu/het/profiles/hobbes.htm Hobbes] at the History of Economic Thought website. * [http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/phl302/philosophers/hobbes.html Brief bio] at Oregon State University ** ''[http://oregonstate.edu/instruct/phl302/texts/hobbes/hobbes_life.html A Brief Life of Thomas Hobbes, 1588-1679]'' by John Aubrey * ''[http://etext.library.adelaide.edu.au/h/hobbes/thomas/h68l/ Leviathan]'' at The University of Adelaide * ''[https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/3207 Leviathan]'' at [[w:Project Gutenberg|Project Gutenberg]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Hobbes, Thomas}} [[Category:1588 births]] [[Category:1679 deaths]] [[Category:Theologians from England]] [[Category:Critics of religion]] [[Category:Cultural critics]] [[Category:Social critics]] [[Category:Latin authors]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Mathematicians from England]] [[Category:Physicists from England]] [[Category:Materialists]] [[Category:Philosophers from England]] [[Category:Enlightenment]] [[Category:Monarchists]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] ja84sntq3vsbff9s20n59rej0om9y92 0 2240 3944522 3944362 2026-05-23T16:54:03Z ~2026-30906-28 3328206 /* I Accuse My Parents */ 3944522 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} __NOTOC__ '''''{{w|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}''''' (1988–1999; 2017–2018; 2022–) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by [[wikt:riff|riff]]ing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing [[wikt:erudite|erudite]] cultural [[wikt:quip|quip]]s with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 230 movies, 73 shorts, and 4 specials in the ''MST3K'' [[wikt:canon|canon]]. (See [[#Notes|Notes]] below for help on using this page.) <!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --> {| border=1 align=center style="text-align:center;" ! bgcolor=#3F3 | [[#Season 0|<span title="Season 0">KTMA</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Green Slime|<span title="The Green Slime">00</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Invaders from the Deep|<span title="Invaders from the Deep">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars|<span title="Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera|<span title="Gamera">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Phase IV|<span title="Phase IV">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Cosmic Princess|<span title="Cosmic Princess">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Humanoid Woman|<span title="Humanoid Woman">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Fugitive Alien|<span title="Fugitive Alien">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#SST: Death Flight|<span title="SST: Death Flight">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Mighty Jack|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Superdome|<span title="Superdome">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#City on Fire|<span title="City on Fire">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Time of the Apes|<span title="Time of the Apes">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Hangar 18|<span title="Hangar 18">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Last Chase|<span title="The Last Chase">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The "Legend of Dinosaurs"|<span title="The "Legend of Dinosaurs"">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! 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bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 4|<span title="Season 4">S4</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Space Travelers|<span title="Space Travelers">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Giant Gila Monster|<span title="The Giant Gila Monster">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#City Limits|<span title="City Limits">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Teenagers from Outer Space|<span title="Teenagers from Outer Space">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Being from Another Planet|<span title="Being from Another Planet">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Attack of the Giant Leeches|<span title="Attack of the Giant Leeches">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Killer Shrews|<span title="The Killer Shrews">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules Unchained|<span title="Hercules Unchained">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Indestructible Man|<span title="Indestructible Man">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules Against the Moon Men|<span title="Hercules Against the Moon Men">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Sword|<span title="The Magic Sword">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules and the Captive Women|<span title="Hercules and the Captive Women">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Manhunt in Space|<span title="Manhunt in Space">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Tormented|<span title="Tormented">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Beatniks|<span title="The Beatniks">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Fire Maidens of Outer Space|<span title="Fire Maidens of Outer Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Crash of Moons|<span title="Crash of Moons">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Attack of the the Eye Creatures|<span title="Attack of the the Eye Creatures">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Rebel Set|<span title="The Rebel Set">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Human Duplicators|<span title="The Human Duplicators">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Monster a-Go-Go|<span title="Monster a-Go Go">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Day the Earth Froze|<span title="The Day the Earth Froze">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Bride of the Monster|<span title="Bride of the Monster">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Manos: The Hands of Fate|<span title="Manos: The Hands of Fate">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 5|<span title="Season 5">S5</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Warrior of the Lost World|<span title="Warrior of the Lost World">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules|<span title="Hercules">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Swamp Diamonds|<span title="Swamp Diamonds">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Secret Agent Super Dragon|<span title="Secret Agent Super Dragon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Voyage of Sinbad|<span title="The Magic Voyage of Sinbad">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Eegah!|<span title="Eegah!">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#I Accuse My Parents|<span title="I Accuse My Parents">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Operation Double 007|<span title="Operation Double 007">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Girl in Lovers Lane|<span title="The Girl in Lovers Lane">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Painted Hills|<span title="The Painted Hills">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gunslinger|<span title="Gunslinger">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mitchell|<span title="Mitchell">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Brain That Wouldn't Die|<span title="The Brain That Wouldn't Die">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Strangler|<span title="Teen-Age Strangler">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Wild Wild World of Batwoman|<span title="The Wild Wild World of Batwoman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Alien from L.A.|<span title="Alien from L.A.">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Beginning of the End|<span title="Beginning of the End">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Atomic Brain|<span title="The Atomic Brain">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Outlaw|<span title="Outlaw">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Radar Secret Service|<span title="Radar Secret Service">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Santa Claus|<span title="Santa Claus">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Crime Wave|<span title="Teen-Age Crime Wave">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Village of the Giants|<span title="Village of the Giants">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#12 to the Moon|<span title="12 to the Moon">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#FF9900 | [[#Season 6|<span title="Season 6">S6</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Girls Town|<span title="Girls Town">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Invasion U.S.A.|<span title="Invasion U.S.A.">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Dead Talk Back|<span title="The Dead Talk Back">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Zombie Nightmare|<span title="Zombie Nightmare">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Colossus and the Headhunters|<span title="Colossus and the Headhunters">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Creeping Terror|<span title="The Creeping Terror">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Bloodlust!|<span title="Bloodlust!">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Code Name: Diamond Head|<span title="Code Name: Diamond Head">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Skydivers|<span title="The Skydivers">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Violent Years|<span title="The Violent Years">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Last of the Wild Horses|<span title="Last of the Wild Horses">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Starfighters|<span title="The Starfighters">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Sinister Urge|<span title="The Sinister Urge">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#San Francisco International|<span title="San Francisco International">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Kitten with a Whip|<span title="Kitten with a Whip">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Racket Girls|<span title="Racket Girls">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Sword and the Dragon|<span title="The Sword and the Dragon">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#High School Big Shot|<span title="High School Big Shot">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Red Zone Cuba|<span title="Red Zone Cuba">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Danger!! Death Ray|<span title="Danger!! Death Ray">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Beast of Yucca Flats|<span title="The Beast of Yucca Flats">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Angels Revenge|<span title="Angels Revenge">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Amazing Transparent Man|<span title="The Amazing Transparent Man">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Samson vs. the Vampire Women|<span title="Samson vs. the Vampire Women">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#F69 | [[#Season 7|<span title="Season 7">S7</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Night of the Blood Beast|<span title="Night of the Blood Beast">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#The Brute Man|<span title="The Brute Man">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|<span title="Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#The Incredible Melting Man|<span title="The Incredible Melting Man">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Escape 2000|<span title="Escape 2000">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Laserblast|<span title="Laserblast">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#F69 colspan=11 | [[#Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (This Island Earth)|<span title="Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie">MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=5 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 8|<span title="Season 8">S8</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Revenge of the Creature|<span title="Revenge of the Creature">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Leech Woman|<span title="The Leech Woman">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Mole People|<span title="The Mole People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Mantis|<span title="The Deadly Mantis">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Thing That Couldn't Die|<span title="The Thing That Couldn't Die">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Undead|<span title="The Undead">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Terror from the Year 5000|<span title="Terror from the Year 5000">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The She-Creature|<span title="The She-Creature">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#I Was a Teenage Werewolf|<span title="I Was a Teenage Werewolf">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Giant Spider Invasion|<span title="The Giant Spider Invasion">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#parts: the clonus horror|<span title="parts: the clonus horror">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|<span title="The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Jack Frost|<span title="Jack Frost">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Riding with Death|<span title="Riding with Death">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Agent for H.A.R.M.|<span title="Agent for H.A.R.M.">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Prince of Space|<span title="Prince of Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Horror of Party Beach|<span title="The Horror of Party Beach">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Doll|<span title="Devil Doll">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Invasion of the Neptune Men|<span title="Invasion of the Neptune Men">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Space Mutiny|<span title="Space Mutiny">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Time Chasers|<span title="Time Chasers">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|<span title="Overdrawn at the Memory Bank">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 9|<span title="Season 9">S9</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Projected Man|<span title="The Projected Man">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Phantom Planet|<span title="The Phantom Planet">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Pumaman|<span title="The Pumaman">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Werewolf|<span title="Werewolf">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Bees|<span title="The Deadly Bees">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Space Children|<span title="The Space Children">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hobgoblins|<span title="Hobgoblins">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Touch of Satan|<span title="The Touch of Satan">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Gorgo|<span title="Gorgo">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Final Sacrifice|<span title="The Final Sacrifice">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Fish|<span title="Devil Fish">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Screaming Skull|<span title="The Screaming Skull">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Quest of the Delta Knights|<span title="Quest of the Delta Knights">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 10|<span title="Season 10">S10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Soultaker|<span title="Soultaker">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Girl in Gold Boots|<span title="Girl in Gold Boots">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|<span title="Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Future War|<span title="Future War">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Blood Waters of Dr. Z|<span title="Blood Waters of Dr. Z">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...|<span title="Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Track of the Moon Beast|<span title="Track of the Moon Beast">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Final Justice|<span title="Final Justice">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hamlet|<span title="Hamlet">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#It Lives by Night|<span title="It Lives by Night">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Horrors of Spider Island|<span title="Horrors of Spider Island">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Squirm|<span title="Squirm">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Diabolik|<span title="Diabolik">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 11: The Return|<span title="Season 11">S11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Reptilicus|<span title="Reptilicus">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Cry Wilderness|<span title="Cry Wilderness">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Time Travelers|<span title="The Time Travelers">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Avalanche|<span title="Avalanche">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Beast of Hollow Mountain|<span title="The Beast of Hollow Mountain">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Starcrash|<span title="Starcrash">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Land That Time Forgot|<span title="The Land That Time Forgot">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Loves of Hercules|<span title="The Loves of Hercules">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Yongary: Monster from the Deep|<span title="Yongary: Monster from the Deep">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Carnival Magic|<span title="Carnival Magic">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|<span title="The Christmas That Almost Wasn't">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#At the Earth's Core|<span title="At the Earth's Core">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=10 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 12: The Gauntlet|<span title="Season 12: The Return">S12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Mac and Me|<span title="Mac and Me">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Atlantic Rim|<span title="Atlantic Rim">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Lords of the Deep|<span title="Lords of the Deep">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Day Time Ended|<span title="The Day Time Ended">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Killer Fish|<span title="Killer Fish">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Ator, the Fighting Eagle|<span title="Ator, the Fighting Eagle">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=18 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 13: The Gizmoplex|<span title="Season 13: The Gizmoplex">S13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Santo in the Treasure of Dracula|<span title="Santo in the Treasure of Dracula">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Robot Wars|<span title="Robot Wars">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Beyond Atlantis|<span title="Beyond Atlantis">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Munchie|<span title="Munchie">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Doctor Mordrid|<span title="Doctor Mordrid">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Demon Squad|<span title="Demon Squad">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Gamera vs. Jiger|<span title="#Gamera vs. Jiger">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Batwoman|<span title="The Batwoman">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come|<span title="HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Mask 3D|<span title="The Mask 3D">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Bubble|<span title="The Bubble">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas Dragon|<span title="The Christmas Dragon">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! rowspan=3 bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Alphabet Antics (short)|<span title="Alphabet Antics (short)">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Appreciating Our Parents (short)|<span title="Appreciating Our Parents (short)">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Aquatic Wizards (short)|<span title="Aquatic Wizards (short)">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)|<span title="Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Assignment: Venezuela (short)|<span title="Assignment: Venezuela (short)">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Body Care and Grooming (short)|<span title="Body Care and Grooming (short)">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Case of Spring Fever (short)|<span title="A Case of Spring Fever (short)">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Catching Trouble (short)|<span title="Catching Trouble (short)">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Century 21 Calling (short)|<span title="Century 21 Calling (short)">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Cheating (short)|<span title="Cheating (short)">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)|<span title="The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Circus on Ice (short)|<span title="Circus on Ice (short)">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Date with Your Family (short)|<span title="A Date with Your Family (short)">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Day at the Fair (short)|<span title="A Day at the Fair (short)">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Days of Our Years (short)|<span title="The Days of Our Years (short)">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Design for Dreaming (short)|<span title="Design for Dreaming (short)">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Here Comes the Circus (short)|<span title="Here Comes the Circus (short)">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 1 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 1 (short)">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 2 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 2 (short)">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Home Economics Story (short)|<span title="The Home Economics Story (short)">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Is This Love? (short)|<span title="Is This Love? (short)">24</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Johnny at the Fair (short)|<span title="Johnny at the Fair (short)">25</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)|<span title="Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)">26</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Keeping Clean and Neat (short)|<span title="Keeping Clean and Neat (short)">27</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Last Clear Chance (short)|<span title="Last Clear Chance (short)">28</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Money Talks (short)|<span title="Money Talks (short)">29</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Mr. B Natural (short)|<span title="Mr. B Natural (short)">30</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)|<span title="Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)">31</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Out of This World (short)|<span title="Out of This World (short)">32</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)">33</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)">34</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)">35</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Posture Pals (short)|<span title="Posture Pals (short)">36</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Progress Island USA (short)|<span title="Progress Island USA (short)">37</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)">38</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)">39</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)">40</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)">41</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)">42</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)">43</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)">44</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)">45</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)">46</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)|<span title="Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)">47</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Selling Wizard (short)|<span title="The Selling Wizard (short)">48</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Snow Thrills (short)|<span title="Snow Thrills (short)">49</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)|<span title="Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)">50</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Using Your Voice (short)|<span title="Speech: Using Your Voice (short)">51</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Truck Farmer (short)|<span title="The Truck Farmer (short)">52</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)|<span title="Uncle Jim&apos;s Dairy Farm (short)">53</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)">54</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)">55</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)|<span title="What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)">56</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What to Do on a Date (short)|<span title="What to Do on a Date (short)">57</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)|<span title="Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)">58</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#X Marks the Spot (short)|<span title="X Marks the Spot (short)">59</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Young Man's Fancy (short)|<span title="A Young Man&apos;s Fancy (short)">60</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#9C6 | [[#Specials|<span title="Specials">Spec</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=5 | [[#Unknown episode|Unknown episode]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=2 | [[#Notes|<span title="Notes">Notes</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#Major cast|<span title="Major cast">Major cast</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=3 | [[#See also|<span title="See also">See also</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#External links|<span title="External links">External links</span>]] |} <!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --> == Notes == * '''How to use this page'''. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a [[w:tooltip|tooltip]]. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.) * '''What kind of quotes to add'''. Much of the humor in ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes ''do'' include ''MST3K'' humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations). * '''How to format quotes'''. See the [[Talk:Mystery Science Theater 3000|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.'' * '''What do the colors mean?''' The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for ''MST3K'': {| border=1 align=center ! align=left bgcolor=#3F3 | KTMA: Season 0 | bgcolor=#5F5 | Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#6C9 | Comedy Central: Season 1 | bgcolor=#8EB | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCF | Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 | bgcolor=#DDF | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#FF9900 | Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 | bgcolor=#FB2 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Comedy Central: Season 7 | bgcolor=#F8B | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Gramercy: ''MST3K: The Movie'' | bgcolor=#F69 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#C9F | Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 | bgcolor=#EBF | Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short features (various seasons) | bgcolor=#EF5 | (various casts & channels) |- ! align=left bgcolor=#9C6 | CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) | bgcolor=#BBEE88 | Mike & the Bots |} <!-- END COLOR SCHEME TABLE --> <br clear="all"/> == KTMA (Season 0) == === [[w:The Green Slime|The Green Slime]] === :'''Man''': That's an asteroid! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!]]{{hnote|The promotional riff of the series.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Take us into the number two position, will you? :'''Joel''': ''[getting up to leave]'' Speaking of the number two position... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey, Crow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes, Joel Hodgson? :'''Joel''': I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out. :'''Crow''': You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out? :'''Joel''': It was on [[w:Stereo 8|8-track]]. :''[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]'' === [[w:Stingray (1964 series)|Invaders from the Deep]] === :'''Captain Troy Tempest''': No visible sign of trouble. :'''Joel''': Not yet. :'''Tempest''': Down SVC. Standby to surface. :'''Lt. George "Phones" Sheridan''': Standing by. :'''Tempest''': Right. Blow 1. :'''Phones''': Blow 1. :'''Joel [as Tempest]''': Pull my finger. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Marina, Tempest, and Phones dive through an underwater cave]'' :'''Joel''': They stay down pretty good for being made out of wood. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tempest and Phones are immobilized by a pink ray]'' :'''Joel''': Are they sweating or is that sap? :... :'''Crow''': Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Commander Sam Shore paces in a hover-chair]'' :'''Joel''': Oh he's pacing, right? :'''Crow''': His boots weren't made for walking. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stingray comes upon a deep extinct volcano]'' :'''Crow''': They're lucky to find an extinct volcano. I didn't even know they were endangered. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stingray settles on the fairly well lit seabed of the underwater volcano]'' :'''Crow''': That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea. :'''Joel''': I was just gonna say that. === [[w:Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons|Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars]] === :''[after Breck is shot and falls from his position]'' :'''Joel''': You know that puppet does his own stunts. :'''Crow''': Does he really? :'''Servo''': I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV. <hr width=50%/> :''[SID announces the return of Captain Scarlet to Lunarville 7]'' :'''Lunar Controller''': They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once. :'''Orson''': Yes, sir. :'''Lunar Controller''': What they have seen must ''never'' get back to Earth. Bring them here. :'''Captain Scarlet''': ''[entering the room]'' There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth. :'''Lunar Controller''': Arrest ''me?'' You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth. :'''Captain Scarlet''': We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed. :'''Lunar Controller''': No. You will never leave the moon alive. ''Any'' of you. :'''Captain Scarlet''': SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth. :'''Lunar Controller''': Don't waste your breath. :'''SID''': A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three. :'''Lunar Controller''': No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits! :'''Captain Scarlet''': Come on. :'''Servo''': ''[imitating a seal]'' Get it? Seal? ... never mind. :'''Lunar Controller''': SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them! :''[Captain Blue knocks out Orson]'' :'''Captain Blue''': Let's go! :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[standing in front of SID]'' I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! :'''Servo''': ''[imitating a seal again]'' :'''Joel''': Okay, I get it... :'''Captain Scarlet''': It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you. :'''Servo''': I figured you would. :'''Captain Scarlet''': I changed recognition disks with you last night. :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[getting desperate]'' SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! :'''SID''': I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that. :'''Lunar Controller''': Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS! :'''SID''': I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that. :... :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[pointing a gun at SID]'' This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits! :'''SID''': I am sorry. Your recognition disk- ''[Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically]'' '''I... AM... ''SORRY...''''' :... :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base]'' Obey! OBEY!!! :'''Joel''': Alright already! :'''Crow''': You know, there was an ''off'' switch, dumb-o. :''[SID begins exploding, and destroying Lunarville 7]'' :'''SID''': '''''I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY...''''' :'''Joel''': I'm sorry you two had to see that. :'''Crow''': It wasn't pretty. :'''Servo''': I'm all choked up. === [[w: Star Wolf (TV series)|Star Force: Fugitive Alien II]] === :'''Ken''': Captain Joe, you don't necessarily have to get swallowed up in a black hole. If you chart your course carefully, you can go through a tunnel out to a white hole in safety. It's a tricky maneuver. :'''Dan''': Where did you hear that? :'''Ken''': Where did I hear it? I'm afraid I don't remember. I guess it was at one of those scientific briefings I attended. :'''Servo''': I don't think they should try it, they can't even get their lips to move with the words. <hr width=50%/> :''[During an effects sequence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They must've spent tens of dollars on this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Colonel Yurulin''': ''[attempting a takeover of Bacchus III]'' Black hole ahead! If we get any closer, it'll swallow us! I ordered you to change course to starboard! Ken! Starboard course! :'''Servo''': I would do my black hole jokes, but they all suck. ''[Crow and Joel groan]'' <hr width=50%/> : ''[as a desert tornado begins to blow the sand off of Bacchus III, freeing the ship]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:The Wizard of Oz|It's a twister!]] :'''Crow''': Dorothy! Dorothy! Auntie Em! Toto! :'''Servo''': Toto too? :... :''[music plays as the sand is blown away]'' :'''Crow''': It's not the wind, it's a men's choir. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the crew of Bacchus III has successfully destroyed the Saysar weapon]'' :'''Captain Joe''': I came up to tell you how proud I am of you guys. You're the greatest crew a captain ever had. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Thank you for shooting me with a dart. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ken''': ''[seeing his "mother" running away]'' There she is again! Mother! Why does she always run away? :'''Crow''': Could be your breath. :'''Joel''': Maybe you're ''mistaken''? :'''Servo''': Maybe it's a trap. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ken prepares to leave Bacchus III, and is bidding the crew farewell]'' :'''Ken''': Dan... :'''Dan''': We've been through a lot together. :'''Ken''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Except for a good movie. === [[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]] === :'''Joel''': Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages. :'''Servo''': Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages! :'''Joel''': Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two? :'''Caller 1''': I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway. :'''Servo''': What a complete wing-nut! :'''Joel''': Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great. :'''Crow''': Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic. :'''Servo''': Could I say something to our ''friendly caller'', Joel? :'''Joel''': Of course, Servo. :'''Servo''': Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble? :'''Joel''': Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one. :'''Caller 2''': ''[excitedly]'' Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!! :'''Crow''': Oh, he must mean [[w:Dave Moore (newscaster)|Dave Moore]]. :'''Servo''': No, he's on [[W:WCCO-TV|TV 4]]. :'''Crow''': No, that's ''Moore On 4''. :'''Servo''': No, that's a black gospel singing group. :'''Crow''': No, that's Moore By Four. :'''Servo''': Isn't that an off road truck? :'''Crow''': No, that's a 4x4. :'''Servo''': No you're thinking of a 2x4. :'''Crow''': No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy." :'''Servo''': No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out. :'''Crow''': No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant! <hr width=50%/> :'''Japanese General''': Operation Rear View Mirror has failed. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice. === [[w:Gamera, the Giant Monster|Gamera]] === :'''Crow''': Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— ''[a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence]'' —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! :'''Joel''': See, I told you guys it would work. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]'' :'''Dr. Hidaka''': The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere. :''[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]'' :'''Joel''': There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]'' :'''Kenny''': Tibby? Tibby? Tibby? :'''Joel''': Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]'' :'''Joel [as Catherine]''': When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole ''box'' of gravel. === [[w:Gamera vs. Gaos|Gamera vs. Gaos]] === :''[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]'' :'''Joel''': All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, grow a brain already! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While opening credits roll with a background showing the ocean.]'' :'''Joel''': The Ocean; the beginning of all life... and all Sandy Frank films. === [[w:Gamera vs. Zigra|Gamera vs. Zigra]] === :''[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh my God, it's [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|Gordon Lightfoot]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera! :'''Joel''': Keep your shirt on, honey. === [[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]] === :''[after Gyaos's leg is cut off by his own beam attack]'' :'''Servo''': He doesn't have a leg to stand on. :'''Crow''': That's a lame joke. :'''Servo''': They can call him Ilene now. :'''Joel''': He's hopping mad. :'''Crow''': Went out on a limb for that one. :'''Tom''': Looks like it's trying to run away. :'''Akio''': I don't think so. It's trying to attack from behind. :'''Servo''': Maybe the kids should help him. Give him a leg up. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat. === [[w:Phase IV (1974 film)|Phase IV]] === :'''Crow''': Looks kinda skinny. Must be a [[w:Karen Carpenter|Carpenter]] [[w:Carpenter ant|ant]]. ''[chuckling]'' Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause— :'''Joel''': ''[horrified]'' Oh no... :'''Crow''': Never mind. :'''Joel''': You don't mean that... :'''Servo''': [[w:Anorexia nervosa|Ant-orexic]]. :'''Crow''': ''[laughs]'' See? Servo got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in ''[[The Flintstones]]''. :'''Crow''': I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]'' :'''Crow''': Hope no one's eating rice at this point. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth? :'''Crow''': Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill [[w:Sandy Frank|Sandy Frank]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, that's just a ''given''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the end credits roll.]'' :'''Crow''': I thought it was deep... :'''Joel''': What did you think, Servo? :'''Servo''': I thought it was pathetic. :'''Crow''': So deep, we should've been wearing boots. :'''Servo''': This made [[w:Gamera|flying turtles]] look good. === [[w:Space 1999|Cosmic Princess]] === :''[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of a [[w:jack-o'-lantern|jack-o'-lantern]] monster. :'''Servo''': ''[deadpan]'' Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling. :'''Crow''': I think the prop department ''juuuust'' ran out of money. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]'' :'''Tony''': 1... 2... :'''Servo [as Tony]''': 3... :'''Tony''': 5... :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': What?! :'''Tony''': 6... :'''Joel''': That's why they're in such trouble. :'''Tony''': 7... 4. :'''Crow''': Well, they are British. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the credits.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Nick Brimble|Nick Brimble]]! I had a knick on my Brimble once. === [[w:Per Aspera Ad Astra (1981 film)|Humanoid Woman]] === :'''Joel''': The plot thickens. :'''Servo''': Like rancid pea soup. === [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|Fugitive Alien]] === :'''Joel''': Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet. === [[w:SST: Death Flight|SST: Death Flight]] === :''[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]'' :'''Angela''': ''[vapidly]'' Hello! :''[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Please put your ''brain'' under the seat in front of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Passengers are boarding.]'' :'''Crow [as Attendant]''': Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]'' :'''Capt. Walsh''': Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Walsh]''': An oncoming plane. :'''Capt. Walsh''': Although the sky above remains black… :'''Crow [as Capt. Walsh]''': … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]'' :'''Carla Stanley''': Please, do something! We'll all be ''killed''! :'''Crow''': I guess she's in charge of panicking. :'''Servo [as Kingman]''': Okay, all the actors form a line! "[[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]" on the left, "[[w:Fantasy Island|Fantasy Island]]" on the right! === [[w:Mighty Jack|Mighty Jack]] === :''[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]'' :'''Joel''': So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing? === [[w:Superdome (film)|Superdome]] === :''[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Magnum, P.I.|Magnum, deep fried.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film ends just before the kickoff.]'' :'''Announcer''': There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same. :'''Servo''': ''[annoyed]'' Who won? :'''Crow''': I know I'll never be quite the same. :'''Joel''': This movie's history. :'''Crow''': We're history. :'''Joel''': Let's go. :''[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]'' :'''Servo''': Who won? ... ''Who won?'' ... ''Who won the game?!'' === [[w:City on Fire (1979 film)|City on Fire]] === : '''Dr. Erhardt''': We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough! : '''Dr. Forrester''': I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha– :''[Barry Newman's credit appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Like Barry Newman. :'''Servo''': So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet this was made in Canada. :'''Servo''': ''Oui.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]'' :'''Dr. Whitman''': You all know "Follow the Leader"? :'''Crow''': This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]'' :'''Servo [as Diana]''': Doctor, I think we got our blood donor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman is going into labor.]'' :'''Crow''': Get a catcher's mitt! :'''Joel''': Boil some water. :'''Crow''': Boil some newspapers! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Kinda sorry [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley]] bought it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... kinda of a shame. :'''Servo''': She bought it, but ''we'' paid for it. === [[w:Saru no Gundan|Time of the Apes]] === :''[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]'' :'''Crow''': Someone wants to admit that they wrote this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Still shot of two gorillas]'' :'''Crow''': Oh look, it's [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley Winters]] and [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]]. === [[w:The Million Eyes of Sumuru|The Million Eyes of Sumuru]] === :''[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol [[w:Frankie Avalon|Frankie Avalon]]) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]'' :'''Joel''': Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain. :'''Crow''': Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern. :. . . :'''Tommy''': I wonder if ''this'' is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah! :'''Joel''': Good one, Frankie. ''We'll'' make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! === [[w:Hangar 18 (film)|Hangar 18]] === === [[w:The Last Chase|The Last Chase]] === :''[a credit for the [[w:Canadian Film Development Corporation|Canadian Film Development Corporation]] appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it '''''SUCKED!!''''' === [[w:Legend of Dinosaurs & Monster Birds|The "Legend of Dinosaurs"]] === :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]], the [[w:Creature from the Black Lagoon|Creature from]] [[w:The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|the Blue Lagoon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reporter''': Everyone is asking the same question... :'''Servo''': Why am I watching this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]'' :'''Joel''': It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie. == Season 1 == === [[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]] === :'''Servo''': ''[first riff; displaying a mountainside]'' This must be a [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Picture]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]'' :'''Mountaineer''': His head! ... It was ''torn off''! :'''Servo''': You say that like it's a ''bad'' thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]'' :'''Servo [as Conductor]''': Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death. <hr width="50%"> :''[A woman- Anne- stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]'' :'''Joel [as mountain]''': ''[deeply]'' I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anne''': ''[after being asked by her sister if she's troubled by anything]'' I feel wonderful; I just wish others would stop treating me like an invalid. :'''Joel''': How about a wheelchair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Anne falls on top of Alan Brooks (played by Forrest Tucker) as he's reading his newspaper]'' :'''Alan Brooks''': It's fine. It was just the baseball scores. :'''Joel''': It's just a prop, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alan Brooks''': ''[he and Prof. Crevett are discussing the recent string of climbing accidents on the mountain]'' Where people climb mountains, there are lots of accidents. :'''Prof. Crevett''': That's true; and sometimes- the bodies- they disappear. But here, the search parties go out, and always they find nothing. Why do you suppose that is? :'''Servo''': ''[as Brooks]'' They're not good search parties? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the titular eye'' '''''finally''''' ''appears as a young girl rushes back into the hotel on the mountain to retrieve her toy ball]'' :'''Joel''': It thinks that ball is one of its pupils. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Is there a sequel to this movie? :'''Crow''': Yeah; [[w:The_Eiger_Sanction_(film)|The Eye-ger Sanction]]! :'''Servo''': Starring [[w:Burl Ives|Burl Eye-ves]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel chastises the bots for continuous eye puns; however, moments later...]'' :'''Joel''': I spy with my little eye... :'''Servo''': You hypocrite! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anne is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike. Alan Brooks tends to her]'' :'''Alan Brooks''': Let's get you outside and have some fresh air. :'''Servo''': I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': I got an itch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[entering Deep 13; first lines]'' Clay; Clay, I think I was spotted on my way down here! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Did you wear your disguise? :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': I was, but I just don't look that good in heels. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No-one must know we're down here doing this! :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[meekly]'' I'm sorry. === [[w:The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy]] === :''[Erhardt and Forrester are preparing an invention for the Mad Scientist Convention]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[to Forrester]'' Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center ''again''. :'''Dr. Forrester''': I only did that once! ''[Erhardt sternly clears his throat]'' OK, twice. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': It was three times! :'''Dr. Forrester''': The ''third'' time I used the ''incendiaries'', and it didn't make the building blow ''up'', it just made it burn. Really... quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player]'' Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. ''[shows record]'' Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... ''[scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound]'' Now open it. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': They'll stay. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Close it. ''[shrill scratching sound continues]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': They'll leave. :'''Dr. Forrester''': And so on and so forth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[attempting to shoo away a swarm of Demon Dogs from the Satellite of Love]'' Puppy party's over; everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggy nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch, King of the Demon Dogs''': ''[as he explains he's willing to help drive away the Dogs]'' First we'll exchange pleasantries, then, we will drink [[Star Trek: The Original Series|Tranya]]. :'''Crow''': ''[snarkily]'' From a dish off the floor, boy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots succeed in shooing away the Demon Dogs by firing a ball-shaped probe into space for the dogs to fetch]'' :'''Joel''': Alright, they're gone! :'''Servo''': Joel, I don't mean to be a killjoy; but doesn't fetch mean "go get and bring back"? :'''Joel''': D'oh! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[two thugs hired by the Moon Men try to sneak behind Cody whilst he is working in his lab]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Commando Cody flies across the moon surface, surveying the terrain]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, the moon looks just like [[w:Arizona|Arizona]], you guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]'' :'''Crow [as Retik/Larry]''': [[w:Newhart#LarryDarryl2|I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commando Cody''': Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Retik]''': It's an election year. :'''Retik''': Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion. :'''Commando Cody''': Why do you want to invade the Earth? :'''Retik''': Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cody]''': Get a humidifier! ==== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) ==== :''[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]'' :'''Dr. Almada''': So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god [[w:Tezcatlipoca|Tezcatlipoca]]. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Almada]''': The god of decaffeinated coffee. :'''Dr. Almada''': They were discovered by the tribal priests. :''[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Dr. Almada]''': They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew [[Advertising slogans#manhandlers|how to handle a hungry man]]. <hr width=50%> :''[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of looks like ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'', doesn't it? :'''Servo [as Xochi]''': ''[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]'' :: I've reached the end of my life :: And I'm waiting for the knife to fall. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Popaca reveals himself as the titular Aztec Mummy]'' [[The Elephant Man (film)|I am not an animal; I am a Aztec Mummy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Popoca wanders through the cemetary]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, look; [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]! :'''Servo''': Who's buried in Peter's grave? :'''Joel''': [[w:James Arness|James Arness]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[of Popoca]'' You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces! :'''Joel''': Bruno, stop letting hate run your life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]'' :'''Dr. Krupp''': Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test! :'''Joel''': The ''[[w:Cosmopolitan (magazine)|Cosmo]]'' sex quiz? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Krupp''': ''[continues to boast about his "human robot"]'' With its shining pension, no human being on this earth can oppose me! :'''Servo''': Wait, a ''human'' robot? There's a flaw right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[while Popoca tears apart Krupp's robot with relative ease]'' I looked up "anticlimax" in the dictionary; it said "See 'Aztec Mummy'." === [[w:The Mad Monster|The Mad Monster]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== :''[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]'' :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': These are the extras...they'll probably get killed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Cody is fighting off a henchman]'' Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt! He's just wearing spandex on his head! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody beats up Retik]'' That's for [[w:Bryant Gumbel|Bryant Gumbel]]; that's for [[w:Gene Shalit|Gene Shalit]]; and '''that's''' for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb! :'''Crow''': Those are all [[w:Bob Mackie|Bob Mackie]] creations, aren't they? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': ''[as he and one of his fellow scientists are fleeing an approaching Moon Men tank, pointing towards a narrow cliff opening]'' Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose 'em. :'''Servo''': Maybe you can use the ray gun. Y'know the big one that blows up things? Like '''Moon Cars''', perhaps? ==== The Mad Monster (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cameron is ranting out loud to himself after Petro's transformation]'' :'''Cameron''': Just a few moments ago, Petro was a man; a harmless good-natured man. Look at him now! :'''Servo''': ''[as Cameron]'' Now Bingo is his name-oh! :'''Crow''': ''[of wolf-man Petro]'' Now he's his own best friend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Cameron hallucinates his old academic colleagues berating his werewolf experiments]'' :'''Professor''': There are institutions for madmen- :'''Servo''': ''[as Professor]'' Like the Pentagon! :'''Professor''': -And we'll see to it you're confined in one! :'''Servo''': ''[as the visions vanish]'' You would think since that was his imagination, he'd at least have them be afraid of him. :'''Cameron''': We shall see, gentlemen; we shall see... :'''Joel''': Next comes the '''''[[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Present]]'''''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Blaine''': Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege! :'''Joel''': Tell that to the NFL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]'' :'''Servo''': Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of the farmer's superstituous mother/mother-in-law]'' She's stoned; [[w:Whistler's Mother|Whistler's Mother]] is stoned. :'''Servo''': At least [[w:Popeye|Popeye]] got [[w:Gender-affirming surgery|that operation]] he always wanted. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme as a farmer encounters Petro in the swamp]'' :''Come and listen to the story of a man named Jed'' :''A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed'' :''Then one day, he was shooting at some food...'' :'''Joel''': ''[joining in]'' ''...And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.'' :'''Servo''': ''Wolfman, that is; black teeth, gnarled face.'' :''[the farmer attempts to shoot at Petro twice, but it doesn't even phase the wolfman as he lumbers forward]'' :'''Servo''': ''The next thing you know, old Jed was really scared.'' :''The kin folk said "Jed, get away from there!"'' :''Said "My cabin is the place I ought to be,"'' :''So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family...'' :'''Joel''': Good one, Crow. :'''Servo''': [I'm] Servo. :'''Crow''': Ah, over here. :'''Joel''': Right, sorry; good one, Servo. ''[turns towards Crow]'' You too, Crow. :'''Servo''': ''[unenthused]'' Gee, thanks, Ed! :'''Crow''': I didn't do anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Petro as a wolfman flees back into the swamp after killing the farmer's young daughter]'' :'''Crow''': I've seen better dog acts on the old [[w:The Ed Sullivan Show|Sullivan show]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Cameron''': ''[to Prof. Fitzgerald]'' I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men. :'''Crow''': ''[as Cameron]'' ...And their hair. :'''Dr. Cameron''': Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence! :'''Joel''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[towards Dr. Cameron]'' I do not care to be ridiculed by a charlatan! :'''Servo''': ''[as Fitzgerald]'' Or you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lenore''': ''[confides to her father Cameron about her concerns over their house]'' There's something here that's evil. It's real and I can feel it; and I'm afraid! :'''Servo''': ''[as Lenore]'' It makes me want to sing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer''': ''[towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine]'' This should make a gory enough story for your paper. :'''Tom''': It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend. :'''Joel''': ''[as Tom]'' It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lenore and Tom are discussing what could've happened to a wounded Prof. Fitzgerald]'' :'''Lenore''': Fitzgerald was driving Petro into town with him. Surely you don't think- :'''Tom''': I don't know what to think! :'''Servo''': ''[as Tom]'' [[Airplane!|And stop calling me Shirley!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Petro''': ''[snapped out of a trance towards Lenore by Dr. Cameron]'' I don't know what's come over me; I must have a touch of Swamp Fever. :'''Dr. Cameron''': That's very likely. Now off to bed; I'll get something for it. :'''Servo''': I had a Marsh Rash once. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[with their heads swapped, whilst speaking in unison]'' Hey, are you thinking what '''I'm''' thinking? :'''Servo''': You like long walks in the rain? :'''Crow''': Chinese food? :'''Servo''': Mushing up your ice cream? :'''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[in unison]'' Oh, yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel's! There is nothing that can stand in our way. We have seen the future and it is us; massage us into your scalp! We are all one; all powerful... YES! We are Servo Crow-ation, and we shall rule the wor- ''[Joel shuts them both off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in bemusement]'' My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[viewing Cameron's lab]'' You seem to be excellently equipped. :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Petro decides to turn against Cameron in the climax]'' :'''Cameron''': ''[in terror]'' Petro; stay back! :'''Servo''': ''[as Petro steps forward to strangle Cameron]'' I'll show you how the choke chain feels! :'''Joel''': And it '''don't''' feel good. === [[w:Women of the Prehistoric Planet|Women of the Prehistoric Planet]] === :''[Joel presents a last-minute Invention Exchange item; a roll of toilet paper inside a two liter soda bottle]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Well, I guess that could come in handy; as a molotov cocktail or something... :'''Joel''': ''[disgusted]'' You two are unbelievable! You could make Tiddly-winks sound evil! :'''Dr. Forrester''' and '''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[cheerfully]'' Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]'' :'''Lt. Bradley''': Hi-keeba! Hup! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, I could watch that all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]], and [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': SHUT UP!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is he [[w:Primordial soup|primordial]] [[Advertising slogans#soup-yet|soup yet]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tang serenades Linda with music played on a pan-flute]'' :'''Crow''': Now he's going to play the world's most loved melodies, a la [[w:Gheorghe Zamfir|Zamfir]]. ... :'''Servo''': ''[as Tang]'' [[w:Sheldon Leonard|Get me; I'm the master]] [[It's a Wonderful Life|of the pan-flute!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is attempting to disarm an [[Isaac Asimov]] doomsday device]'' :'''Crow''': You're playing dice with the universe here, Joel. I hope you realize that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Asimov doomsday device goes off, but all it does is give the S.o.L. crew labcoats and sideburns]'' :'''Joel''': This cockamamie satellite turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs! . . . :'''Crow''': D'you think it's a conspiracy? :'''Servo''': ''[speaking like Asimov]'' No; I tackled the 'conspiracy' topic in my volume set on Assassinations and Coups. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Scott]''': I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[as one of the scouts ends up mauled by a giant fake-looking spider]'' My God, how horrible! To be killed by a plush toy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linda''': ''[in disgust as the crew refuses to search further for her love, Tang]'' I hate you; I hate '''all''' of you! :'''Joel''': Jeez, ''don't'' say hi then! <hr width="50%"/> :''[footage of the planet's volcano erupting plays]'' :'''Servo''': More stock footage; hit the deck! :'''Crow''': Look out, the styrofoam is on fire! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Admiral David King''': Mr. Scott, make an entry in the ship's log. ''[Servo begins grumbling]'' ... to the third planet of the Solaris system. As this planet was heretofore unknown... ''[Joel begins grumbling]'' ... from this day forward, the third planet of the Solaris system will be known as the blue planet. We designate it planet... Earth. :'''Joel''': ''Earth?!'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, who made you God? :'''Servo''': ''[in disbelief]'' Oh, man evolved from Tang, right. We better get outta here, we'd better go. :'''Joel''': That means my great great grandmother was really, really hot! :'''Crow''': Was she? You got a picture? === [[w:The Corpse Vanishes|The Corpse Vanishes]] === :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[calling into the Satellite of Love to address Joel for the Invention Exchange]'' Come in, Joel; you tree-rotating skanky boy! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[impressed]'' Not bad; not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo are mulling over the latest issue of'' '''''[[w:Tiger Beat|Tiger Bot]]''''' ''magazine]'' :'''Crow''': Who's the Dream Date this week? :'''Servo''': Let's see... it says- [[w:Buck Rogers|Twiki]]. :'''Crow''': Twiki?! What a coaster; he hasn't worked since '''''Buck Rogers'''''! :'''Servo''': I know; what a putz! ''[mockingly]'' Bidi-bidi-bidi; wanna dance, Buck? :'''Crow''': That guy couldn't interface without a lode-pan adapter. Such a shrimpy little bot anyway; with those ineffectual arms, and that stupid bubble head, and... :'''Servo''': ''[offended]'' Real funny, Crow. :'''Crow''': ''[in realization]'' Whoops! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 3 (short) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[while a shot of Cody's ship returning to Earth plays]'' Why does the Earth have a shadow? :'''Servo''': Why are there clouds in space? :'''Crow''': '''Why''' are we watching this? :'''Servo''': Daddy, what's Vietnam? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Retik''': ''[demanding for his henchmen waiting on Earth to be prepared for the arrival of Cody and his team of scientists]'' Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?! :'''Krog''': I'm afraid that's impossible, your Excellency. :'''Crow''': ''[as Krog]'' All the hardware stores are closed! ==== The Corpse Vanishes (movie) ==== :''[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back! :''[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lorenz]''': Thank you, I ''love'' cake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Land Shark (Saturday Night Live)|Landshark]]. : . . . :''[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]'' :'''Joel [as Landshark]''': Candygram. : . . . :''[The two women hear another knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Pizza delivery|Pizza delivery]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lorenz]''': I've got to go back here and talk to [[w:The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe|the Lion and the Witch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as one character is shown wandering around in a fancy outfit]'' :'''Crow''': Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that? :'''Joel''': Well, I got shot into space; there wasn't any time to pack. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Foster and Patricia Hunter introduce themselves to each other on the ride over to Lorenz's castle]'' :'''Dr. Foster''': My name is Dr. Foster. :'''Patricia''': I'm Patricia Hunter. :'''Joel''': I'm Joel. :'''Servo''': I'm Servo. :'''Crow''': I'm Crow! ... :'''Patricia''': I'm a news reporter. :'''Servo''': '''I'm''' a robot. :'''Joel''': I'm a human being. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': Now you might feel a little sting... :''[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': OK, a big sting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Lorenz angrily slaps Patricia in the face for her arriving for an interview]'' :'''Patricia''': ''[to Dr. Foster]'' So that's what you call [them being] eccentric. I have another name for it. :'''Crow''': ''[as Patricia]'' I call it ''bitchy''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Foster''': ''[as he assists in defending Patricia's testimony to her boss about Dr. Lorenz]'' The glands in our body help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair... :'''Crow''': ''[as Dr. Foster]'' The cut of our jib. :'''Joel''': Learning is fun! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the RAM chip segment]'' :'''Crow''': Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of ''mutants''! :'''Joel''': ''[chuckles]'' OK...and a bad thing? :'''Crow''': They were all so ''stupid'', they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' You, my friend, get a RAM chip! === [[w:The Crawling Hand|The Crawling Hand]] === :''[Stranded and virus-infected astronaut Lockhart begs for NASA scientists to push his capsule's remote self-destruct button]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Lockhart/[[David Bowie]]]'' [[w:Space Oddity (song)|This is Major Tom to Ground Control]]... ... :'''Crow''': Push that (button), and he's an astro-not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]'' :'''Owner''': No dancing, not allowed. :'''Joel''': This is just like ''[[w:Footloose|Footloose]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]'' :'''Crow [as Owner]''': No acting, not allowed. : . . . :''[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]'' :'''Owner''': No rats. :'''Joel [as Owner]''': Unless they're on the menu. :... :''[even later, as Paul attempts to throttle the diner owner while under the hand's influence]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Owner]'' No strangling, not allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey! Is this ''[[w:From Here to Eternity|From Here to Eternity]]''? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, it just seems like an eternity. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo tell Joel off in that he always wins every game he makes the Bots play- due to their non-functioning arms- and leave him alone]'' :'''Joel''': ''[addressing Cambot]'' Cambot, I want you to remind me of something: next time I make a robot, no more free will. That's it; and now we've got commercial sign. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]'' :'''Marta''': Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"? :'''Paul''': "Stacked"? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': "Stacked" means you're really smart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hey, why's she wearing a swimsuit with a codpiece? :'''Servo''': Oh, just for the ''halibut.'' Heh, sorry. :'''Crow''': Stop it, you're giving me a haddock. :'''Servo''': Oh, you're a pain in the bass. :'''Crow''': You have no sole. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Sheriff Townsend/[[Gilligan's Island|Skipper]] to Paul]'' Where's the little body, little buddy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Townsend''': Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening? :'''Crow [as Sheriff]''': [[w:Koan|The sound of one hand clapping]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Let's see... if I were an arm, where would I hide? My sleeve, of course! <hr width="50%"/> :''[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a [[w:geiger counter|geiger counter]].]'' :'''Dr. Weitzberg''': Not a trace. Not a solitary trace. :'''Joel''': Must be a talent meter. === [[w:Robot Monster|Robot Monster]] === :'''Dr Ernhardt''': ''[of Robot Monster]'' To call this film wretched would be an insult to the word wretched. It stars '''no-one'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[roleplaying as the Great Guidance to Servo]'' Why not have you yet killed the Hu-Man (Joel)? :'''Servo''': Because he gives me crunchy treats, and he empties my lode-pan. :'''Crow''': But he is Hu-Man, and unfit to live! :'''Servo''': But he has a cute butt, and he can drive a stick. :'''Crow''': Nevertheless, he- wait a minute, he can drive a stick? N-Nevertheless, '''he''' is Hu-Man; '''''YOU''''' are Ro-Man! ... :''[a moment later Joel meets up with the Bots]'' :'''Joel''': Hey Crow, Servo. What's up? :'''Servo''': Your number, I'm afraid! I must kill you, [[James Bond|Mr. Bond]]; I must kill you now- ''[Joel hits Servo with a collapsible chair in self-defense]'' Whoa! :'''Crow''': Joel; what happened? :'''Joel''': (It was) Servo, his reason circuits must've blown out. He tried to kill me! :'''Crow''': No, we were just doing a little role-playing! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 4 (short) ==== :''[Servo sneezes violently]'' :'''Joel''': Bless you! :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': You're not supposed to do that... :'''Servo''': That stirred up my RAMS real bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber shoots at Cody with one hand while driving away from him with the other]'' :'''Joel''': Wow, he can drive and shoot at the same time? He must be ambidextrous! :'''Crow''': Boy, I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous. ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) ==== :'''Servo''': ''[being dragged back to his seat by Joel]'' This is Buddhist! You invented us '''to suffer'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of Servo and Crow griping]'' I'm surrounded by idiots of my own design! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Moon Men henchmen are being pursued by Cody and the cops]'' :'''Crow''': You're watching the "All Car-Chase Network"! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as the henchmen resume driving after ditching their getaway car for an ambulence]'' We now return you to the All Car-Chase Network; already in progress. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber, who is trying to escape, shoots at Commander Cody]'' :'''Joel''': Right, right. Shoot him. That's your solution to everything. Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back. ==== Robot Monster (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[of Ro-Man as he first appears]'' This is what comes of teaching apes sign-language. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]'' :'''Ro-Man''': Humans! Listen to me! :'''Servo''': ''[in a dopey tone of voice]'' Okay! :'''Ro-Man''': Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left. :'''Joel''': ''[as Ro-Man]'' We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you. :'''Ro-Man''': Now I know you are watching! I can see five of you who have not been destroyed. Show yourselves and I promise a painless death! :'''Crow''': ''[as the Professor]'' Ah, we're looking at a few other options first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[a shot of a rocket traveling to the space platform plays]'' It's a V-2 rocket! :'''Crow''': [[w:V8 (beverage)|Could've had a V-8]]! ''[Joel slaps Crow upside the head]'' Joke, Joel. [It was] a joke! :'''Servo''': I thought it was hilarious! ''[Joel slaps Servo on the dome]'' <hr width="50%"/> : ''[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]'' : '''Ro-Man''': And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative. : '''Crow''': He's so negative! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alice and Roy cavort in an open field]'' :'''Joel''': Even at the end of the world, love springs eternal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]'' :'''Joel''': Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen ''[[Salvador Dalí|Dali]]'' paintings that make more sense than this movie does. :'''Servo''': Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between [[w:surrealism|surrealism]] and costume-shop closeouts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]'' :'''Joel''': That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]'' :'''Great Guidance''': To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ro-Man]''': Me-man? :'''Ro-Man''': Yes. ''[distressed]'' To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! :'''Great Guidance''': You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy ''you''. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ro-Man]''': Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? :'''Servo [as Great Guidance]''': Do not violate ape law! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home]'' It's the Berlin Wall! :'''Joel''': Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleveland. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as the Ro-Man fumbles about in view of the Ro-Man communication device]'' [[w:Hare Trigger|Peeking through the knothole, of Grandma's wooden leg]]... :'''Crow''': ''[as the Great Guidance, in annoyance]'' I hired an idiot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the end of the film, Joel? :'''Joel''': Uh, I don't think it is. :'''Servo''': You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Joel''': Huh? What? :''[after the third time they repeat themselves]'' :'''Joel''': We've gotta get out of here. :'''Servo''': This is pathetic! ''[pause]'' You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Crow''': Stop it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Joel and the Bots have been left delirious by the film and present a "pageant" about the many contradictions of Ro-Man as a character]'' :'''Crow''': [[Declaration of Independence|We believe these truths to be evident]]- and obvious. :'''Servo''': Please give to the United Robot College Fund! :'''Joel''': Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? ''[addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt]'' What do you think, sirs? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of [[w:Jules Bergman|Jules Bergman]] was that?! :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped. === [[w:The Slime People|The Slime People]] === :'''Crow''': ''[in an upbeat mood while Joel and Servo are groggy from waking up]'' Here's a little morning poem- : ''Birdie with the yellow bill'' : ''hopped upon my windowsill;'' : ''cocked his shining eye and said'' : ''"What's for breakfast, Grandma?".'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy]'' We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! ''[to Dr. Forrester]'' May I? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Enjoy! :'''Cotton Candy''': ''[as Ernhardt bites down]'' Ow! That's my head! Owwww! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, what do you think of that? :'''Joel''': ''[disgusted]'' You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all]'' The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that is was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public. :'''Servo''': Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist! :'''Joel''': I guess you're right. ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 6 (short) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hip? Not. Ick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as a café owner waking up Cody after he was knocked out in an altercation with Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Wake up, Cody; you owe me $400! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': ''[in a phone call back to fellow scientist Joan as he prepares to ambush Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Call the police and tell them to block the highway on the other side of the mountain. :'''Crow''': ''[as Joan, making a phone call]'' Hello, police? Block the mountain on the other side of the highway! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots hold Commando Cody on trial for his various on-screen misdemeanors]'' :'''Crow''': Today I will prove that Commando Cody is guilty of the following felony changes- failure to follow a proper flight plan, reckless endangerment of the public, defying the laws of physics... and gravity, and acting as an officer of the law... and simply bad acting. :'''Servo''': ''[acting as Cody's lawyer]'' We plead hardship, your Honor! My client- Commando Cody- has more than paid his debt to society by being trapped in a pathetic serial! ==== The Slime People (movie) ==== :''[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gregory]''': Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Answering Machine]''': Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal Johnson''': ''[after chatting with fellow survivor Bonnie during the night and sharing a kiss]'' Gee whiz, you know as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to think about Slime People. :'''Crow''': ''[continuing as Cal]'' Though it's hard, looking at a mug like yours. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]'' :'''Gregory''': ''[towards Tolliver]'' Noone's home! Genius waits for no one! :'''Crow''': But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. : . . . :''[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]'' :'''Tolliver''': I… I've never seen anything like it! :'''Servo''': Even in [[w:Tijuana|Tijuana]]! : . . . :''[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]'' :'''Joel''': Lookit — they're all on their way to a [[w:George Romero|George Romero]] [[Dawn of the Dead|film]] festival! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]'' :'''Gregory''': Look at this. Blonde hair. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': At night. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': In a fog. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Slime People begin disintegrating once their force field has been destroyed]'' :'''Joel, Crow and Servo''': ''[as the Slime People]'' [[Richard III (play)|A horse, a horse; my kingdom for a- AAAGH!]] === [[w:Project Moonbase|Project Moonbase]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 7 (short) ==== :'''Joel''': ''[while Cody and Ted fly in an airplane to bomb the truck of Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Oh, great. [[James Bond|Double 00-Cody. You have a license to kill now, Mr. Cody]]? ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) ==== :''[the episode begins with the opening credits again, as Joel and the bots wearily sing along to the music]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're watching ''Commando Cody''; a not-so-new character from [[w:Republic Pictures|Republic]]. He gets in trouble every week, but he's saved by editing... . . . :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' His laboratory is a boxing ring when bad guys come to mix it up; someone always gets kidnapped, so Cody has to go to fix it up... . . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' Bad guys beware- Cody is there; you'll like his hair, it's under his helmet, 'cuz we couldn't think of a good rhyme; and that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song! So sit right back, and with a will of granite, watch Chapter 8- '''The Enemy Planet'''. ''[nervously laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody's assistant, Ted, is shown losing oxygen]'' By this time, my lungs were aching for air! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[role-playing as Krog on the bridge]'' Earth men, I want you to take an atomic bomb the size of a pineapple, strap it to a [[w:Piper J-3 Cub|Piper Cub]], and crash into [[w:Mount Vesuvius|Mt. Vesuvius]]! ... :'''Servo''': ''[roleplaying as Commando Cody]'' Does he have any idea who he's dealing with? I could- :'''Crow''': Ahhh, you're Servo; and Joel's holding you up. :'''Servo''': [[The Wizard of Oz|Pay no attention to the man holding me up]]. ==== Project Moonbase (movie) ==== :''[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers ''back'' to Brooklyn. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM]'' Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute. :'''Crow''': [[w:We Built This City|We built this city on Spacom]]! :'''Servo''': Instead of rock and roll? :'''Crow''': Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[of the brattily catty Colonel Briteis butting heads with amateur Commander Moore]'' :'''Servo''': Someone get that lady a saucer of milk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[Commander Moore and the imposter Dr. Wernher fight]'' Hands Down; the slap-happiest game of all! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[commenting on the surreal perspective of the movie's visual effects]'' Art design by [[w: M.C. Escher|M.C. Escher]]! === [[w:Robot Holocaust|Robot Holocaust]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 9 (short) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[Cody's spaceship prepares to take off]'' [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]] pops the clutch, and tells the Moon to eat my dust! ==== Robot Holocaust (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': ''[reading the actor credits]'' Andrew Howarth? :'''Crow''': Fine; ''howarth'' you? :'''Servo''': Classic! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]'' :'''Valeria''': You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? :'''Torque''': Yes! :'''Valeria''': Do you unduhstand, old man? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah! It's ''young girl'' I don't understand. :'''Valeria''': Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Jorn]''': Yeah. Do you know [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]? :'''Valeria''': Vewy well. Towque, go now. :'''Joel [as Jorn]''': Uh, what about [[w:Barbara Walters|Barbara Walters]], or, uh, [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]]? [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]'' :'''Narrator''': A dagger is placed into the ground— :'''Servo''': A voice-over is placed into the script. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Dark One, disgusted with Valeria's lack of progress orders her to leave, as she pleads with him]'' :'''Valeria''': Dawk One, please... :'''The Dark One''': Torque, take her away from my sight! :'''Valeria''': No, Dawk One, please! I will pwove myself to you! :'''Joel''': Taking someone out of an omnipresent being's sight is kind of hard, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A severed head rolls past]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, it's a spare! :'''Crow''': Gutter head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Neo's robot sidekick, beating up one of the Dark One's henchmen with a metal pipe]'' That one's for [[w:R2-D2|Artoo-Detoo]], that one's for [[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]]; that was for [[w:Julie Newmar|Julie Newmar]], and '''that''' one's just cuz I wanna! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Deeja; after seeing the mutated state of Jorn at the hands of the Dark One]'' Dad, you're a tulip bulb! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Jorn to Deeja]'' Honey, remember my torso? Well, it's chip dip now! === [[w:Moon Zero Two|Moon Zero Two]] === :''[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Hey it's in color! :'''Joel''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Really bad music already, this is great. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a ''Pink Panther'' movie? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like. :'''Servo''': Why would they use cartoons? :'''Joel''': Uh, so astronauts could understand them. :'''Servo''': ''[dubiously]'' Ah. ... :'''Servo''': ''[as one of the cartoon astronauts beats up the other in sync to the music]'' Whoa, they're beating the titles out of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]'' :'''Clementine''': He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport. :'''Capt. Kemp''': He's probably waiting at Moon City. :'''Clementine''': Mmm, that's what the man said. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Kemp]''': [[w:Listen to What the Man Said|Don't you listen to what the man says]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]'' :'''Korminski''': Yes, ''thees'' time, we ''can'' pay the bill, okay?! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Korminski/[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]]''': Hch-okay, Mee-ster [[Fawlty Towers|Fawlty]]! : . . . :''[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]'' :'''Hubbard''': That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? :'''Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]''': ''[annoyed]'' He's from Barcelona. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a scuffle starts to break out in a nightclub as Kemp turns off the facility's gravity as a diversion for him and Clementine to escape]'' :'''Capt. Kemp''': If we're gonna play, we play by '''''my''''' rules! :'''Crow''': Yeah; but nobody knows what '''your''' rules '''''are'''''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Kaboom!_(video_game)|Kaboom!]]'' would become ''Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!'' === [[w:Untamed Youth|Untamed Youth]] === :''[a young man is seen running from authorities during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as a police officer]'' After him! He's hiding behind those credits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]'' :'''Crow [as Penny]''': Hey, who's the guy in the cage? :'''Servo [as Farmhand]''': Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots do an experiment to see what exactly is in Gypsy's mind]'' :'''Joel''': What is it? :'''Servo''': It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips! :'''Joel''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a [[w:Sock hop|sock hop]] in their quarters.]'' :'''Joel''': That's the problem with today's youth. ''This'' is how their image of prison is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[Aida]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': ''[telling his mother, the Judge, about the passing of a farmhand named "Baby"]'' That's the ''worst'' part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her ''name''. :'''Crow''': She shoulda died at [[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]] — then everyone woulda known her name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': ''[exposing Russ]'' And that healthy food, that ''I'm'' paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew. :'''Cecilia Steele Tropp''': ''[in disbelief]'' Oh, no. :'''Crow [as Cecilia]''': Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement. :'''Bob Steele''': ... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you? :'''Cecilia Steele Tropp''': No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't! :'''Bob Steele''': He knows every move that's made. :'''Cecelia Steele Tropp''': Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious. :'''Servo [as Bob]''': When did you start calling him Russ? :'''Bob Steele''': Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop! :'''Joel [as Cecilia]''': It's not slop, it's ''Science Diet'' and it's very expensive, young man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny (blonde bombshell [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]]) performs a [[w:Calypso music|calypso]] song and dance, backed by male dancers.]'' :'''Penny''': Come on, boys, and carry my bananas! :'''Joel''': What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"? :'''Servo''': I don't wanna know. === [[w:The Black Scorpion (film)|The Black Scorpion]] === :''[Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head]'' :'''Joel''': What happened to you? :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion [[w:Walkman|Walkman]] and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened. ... :''[after Joel presents their Invention Exchange]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Are you alright, Clay? :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat]'' Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science. ... :''[much later after Joel reads audience letters]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': I think the swelling is going down. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes; and '''I''' think you should file '''''this'''''. ''[hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more]'' Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]'' :'''Narrator''': … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! : . . . :'''Narrator''': … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]'' :'''Hank''': Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there. :'''Artur''': Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': ''[singing]'' Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep. :''[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]'' :'''Servo [as Artur]''': I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in ''water'' first. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Bob Barker]'' What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop! :'''Servo''': ''[as Game Show Announcer]'' Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia! :'''Joel''': ''[adding a "prize disclaimer"]'' From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]'' :'''Hank''': … I found something a lot more interesting! :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! :'''Crow''': Only mounted. {{hnote|Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who ''was'' stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos]'' [[w:Crazy Eddie|It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]'' :'''Dr. Velazco''': But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— :'''Servo [as Velazco]''': We're small. We can run fast. :'''Dr. Velazco''': Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. :'''Crow [as Velazco]''': And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]'' :'''Crow [as Tour Guide]''': Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the ''right'' side of the train… :'''Servo [as Scorpion]''': Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just ''love'' trains. :''[The passengers flee the train.]'' :'''Joel [as Company Rep]''': Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens. == Season 2 == === [[w:Rocketship X-M|Rocketship X-M]] === :'''Lisa''': How do we stand on fuel now? :'''Crow''': I'm ''for'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': Welcome to Deep 13. Would you like to try our smooth, creamy Thruster Buster? :'''Joel''': Where's Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester? :'''TV's Frank''': I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr. Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr. Erhardt... he's missing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Astronaut]''': Well...that could have gone better. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tooter Turtle]''': Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Other Astronaut]''': Nonsense! :'''Servo [as King Arthur]''': Run away! Run away! :'''Joel [as Tooter Turtle]''': I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! :''[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]'' :'''Servo [as Shaggy]''': Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby! :'''Crow [as Mr. Wizard]''': Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome! :'''Servo [as Mr. Wizard]''': Time for zis vun to come home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people ''dying'' in a capsule. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah, why couldn't you just show us ''[[w:Marooned (film)|Marooned]]''? :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': We couldn't get it! === [[w:The Sidehackers|The Sidehackers]] === :''[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]'' :'''Joel''': This grass... It's... drugged! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]'' : '''Crow''': It was about that time the [[The Dukes of Hazzard|Duke boys]] decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Paisley''': Why can't I reach you? : '''Crow''': There's a ladder in the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''J.C.''': ''[after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious]'' I treated you like a brother! :'''Crow''': Not a good brother... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Big Jake''': He hit Big Jake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[camera pans across Rommel and his crew, spending a lot of time on a patch of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': We're rocks and we're smarter than the rest of the cast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': For those of you keeping score at home, Rita is dead. {{hnote|This is in the edited version of the episode as it doesn't show the disturbing scene of Rita being raped and murdered due to the scene traumatizing the MST3K cast members during recording.}} === [[w:Jungle Goddess|Jungle Goddess]] === ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': I forget who did what here. I say, "[[Latin proverbs#Kill them all|Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out.]]" ==== Jungle Goddess (movie) ==== :''[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'' [[w:George Reeves|George Reeves]]) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]'' :'''Mike''': Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Mike]''': Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet. <hr width=50%/> :'''Greta''': Did you study your spelling last night? :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': Uh, dog ate it. :'''Wunama''': Uh, yes, yes! :'''Greta''': Good. Let me hear you spell, uh... "beautiful." :'''Joel''': Let me hear you spell "patronize." :'''Wunama''': Beautiful... ah yes... :'''Crow [as Wunama]''': Will this be on the final? :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': S-L-... :'''Wunama''': B-E... :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': A-V... :'''Wunama''': ''[struggling]'' A... U... :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': E-R-Y. :'''Wunama''': T... I-F-U-L. :''[the two girls giggle]'' :'''Greta''': That's wonderful! :'''Servo [as Greta]''': Okay, now spell antidisestablishmentarianism. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.]'' :'''Bob''': No doubt about it. It's kronotite. :'''Mike''': Are you sure? :'''Bob''': I'd stake my life on it. :'''Crow''': That's already in the kitty, Bob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]'' :'''Bob''': ''[sarcastic]'' White goddess having trouble? :'''Crow''': White fascist getting smart? === [[w:Catalina Caper|Catalina Caper]] === :'''Bob Draper''': Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper. :'''Don Pringle''': Don Pringle. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Don]''': Heir to the [[w:Pringles|potato chip]] fortune. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Catalina ferry [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]'' :'''Crow''': Little Richard? I hate [[w:Rich Little|impressionists!]] :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Prince (artist)|Prince]], I hope you're watching this! :'''Joel''': I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! :'''Crow''': Little Richard: the one ''true'' talent in this film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katrina''': His name is Angelo. :'''Servo''': He's a [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]'' :'''Servo''': I feel a number coming on… :'''Carol Connors''': Hey, we better do something, and quick! :'''Various Cascades''': Yeah! Let's do something. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Gloria Estefan|Gloria Estefan]] and the Catalina [[w:deus ex machina|Deus Ex]] [[w:Gloria Estefan#1984-1988: The Miami Sound Machine|Sound Machina]]! === [[w:Rocket Attack U.S.A.|Rocket Attack U.S.A.]] === ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== ==== Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? ''[Servo buzzes in]'' Tom Servo of Oak Ridge! :'''Servo''': Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? :'''Joel''': Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' DUCK AND COVER! :'''Joel''': Is right for five points. <hr width="50%"/> :''[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]'' :'''Manston''': Hard to believe that a group of ''civilized'' men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others. :'''Joel [as Manston]''': That's why we've ''got'' to ''crush'' them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]'' :'''General''': If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': You mean an [[w:Ronald_Reagan|actor becoming President]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Watkins answers his phone.]'' :'''General''': Hello? :'''Joel [as voice on other end]''': Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? :'''General''': Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park]'' [[Psycho (1960 film)#Taglines|Nobody will be admitted]] during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]'' :'''Manston''': Did Lars give you the TNT? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tanya]''': He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York has just been nuked.]'' :'''Crow''': It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The very first ''MST3K'' "stinger"]'' :'''Blind Guy''': Help me. === [[w:Ring of Terror|Ring of Terror]] === ==== Ring of Terror (movie) ==== :''[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Moffitt]''': Aw, she's the [[wikt:ginchy|ginchiest]]. Life ''does'' begin at 40. :''[He puts on a sweater.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffitt]''': Let's see… ''[groans]'' …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Moffitt/Old Man]''': I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey… <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]'' :'''Crow''': I'm a lamp. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Rayburn''': However strong we may feel... :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Our bones are very brittle. :'''Professor Rayburn''': ... some of us cannot overcome certain inner emotions. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Like love. :'''Professor Rayburn''': When we view an autopsy of this kind, let me say to you to feel free to leave the class. :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': To do the technicolor yarn. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': To blow chow. :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': To chuck the chow on the white porcelain throne. :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': To summon the earl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during an autopsy]'' :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Now earlier today, I baked a corpse at 425 degrees. :'''Professor Rayburn''': Then we follow with an abdominal incision... :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': And a light lemon-chiffon sauce with shallots. :'''Professor Rayburn''': We have now exposed the gastrovascular cavity... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': Which should be stuffed with a sage dressing. :'''Professor Rayburn''': We have cut through the epidermis, and you see this yellow mass. That's the fatty tissue... :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': Which should be whipped into stiff peaks. :... :'''Professor Rayburn''': Well, it's not very pleasant to look at, I must admit... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': But with rice, and the correct seasoning, you've got a ''wonderful'' meal. :... :'''Professor Rayburn''': Mr. John Doe has rendered posthumously a great service to medical science. :'''Servo''': What are showman, ladies and gentlemen! He gave his all! :'''Professor Rayburn''': Now he will be transferred to the general mausoleum of the Raven Hills Cemetery... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': Where we'll meet for bars and punch. :'''Professor Rayburn''': Where he will be stored for about a week in the receiving vault. :'''Servo''': These are the battered faces of men in their 40s. :'''Professor Rayburn''': He will probably be buried there in Potter's Field. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': You've been a wonderful audience! Enjoy the buffet! ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 3 (short) ==== :''[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': It's called a [[w:rubiks cube|Rubiks Cube]]. Don't screw it up! === [[w:Wild Rebels|Wild Rebels]] === :''[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an [[w:syrup_of_ipecac|ipecac]]. :'''Joel''': An epa— oh, that [[w:Abacab|Genesis album]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeeter (the biker leader) watches as fellow biker Banjo jealously observes someone flirting with Linda]'' :'''Jeeter''': Can you boys believe it; Banjo's in love. :'''Crow''': ''[as Jeeter]'' Okay, would you believe- mildly infatuated? H-how about a school-girl crush? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:The Road Not Taken|Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Adman]''': You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's [[w:Miller Brewing|Miller Time]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Banjo]''': Not this way, man, my mom will see me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, look! [[w:Erik Estrada|Erik Estrada]]! === [[w:Lost Continent (1951 film)|Lost Continent]] === :''[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, look! A [[w:V-2|V-2]]! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': Aw, I could've had a [[w:V8 (beverage)|V8]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]'' :'''Nolan''': Aren't you coming with us? :'''Native Girl''': ''[nervously]'' Nooo! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Native Girl]''': Me no got lead sarong. :'''Native Girl''': Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Native Girl]''': Besides, you guys not see woman in long time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Come on, '''''God, why, why, why?!''''' ''[groans]'' :'''Servo''': This is-this is a madhouse, '''''a madhouse!''''' ''[groans]'' :'''Joel''': Ugh, I never knew ''mountain time'' was so slow. :'''Servo''': Please. :'''Lt. Danny Wilson''': Stay with me, baby. :'''Crow''': Come on, "stay with me, baby", ''is that all you can say?!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Joel''': Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay? ''[pause]'' '''WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE WE? CAN WE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING?!?!? ''PLEASE!!!''''' === [[w:The Hellcats|The Hellcats]] === : '''Biker''': ''[to Ross Hagen]'' Where ya from? : '''Servo''': ''[[Mystery Science Theater 3000#The Sidehackers|Sidehackers]]''. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Artist''': ''[Stumbling around drunk and high]'' Roses are green. Violets are red...' : '''Joel [as Artist]''': I like to shoot heroin straight into my head. === [[w:King Dinosaur|King Dinosaur]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake]'' I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist! :'''Crow''': ''[while the SOL crew laugh]'' Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn). :'''Joel''': This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. ''[pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench]'' Works every time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing]'' :'''Servo''': It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine. :'''Joel''': Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow''': Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more. :'''Joel''': That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. ''[as Joey]'' You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me! :'''Servo''': Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine. :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey, hitting Servo]'' Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way. ... :'''Servo''': L is for "Lemur"... :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' L is for Lemur- 'nuff said! :'''Crow''': E is for "eat". :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure! :'''Crow''': M is for "monkey"! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show! :'''Servo''': U is for "unusual"... :'''Crow''': ...and "unpredictable"! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on [[Johnny Carson]]'s sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go! :'''Servo''': ''[uneasy]'' Uh, R is for "radical"... :'''Crow''': ...and "rambunctious"! ''[immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo! :'''Servo''': Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur! :'''Crow''': Friend to all mankind! ==== X Marks the Spot (short) ==== :''[title card features a large ''X'', with ''Marks the Spot'' fading in atop it.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Marks the Spot''? Is that like ''[[w:Mack the Knife|Mack the Knife]]''? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]'' :'''Commissioner Magee''': The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Magee]''': If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there. :'''Commissioner Magee''': We kill… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Sounds like Commissioner Fudd. :'''Commissioner Magee''': …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on! : . . . :'''Servo [as Magee/[[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]]''': You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene fades to an intersection]'' :'''Narrator''': Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Called "Blood Alley." :'''Narrator''': No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': It made you feel happy. :''[Scene pans to a car approaching]'' :'''Narrator''': Here comes someone from one direction and... :''[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]'' :'''Narrator''': ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe! :''[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]'' :'''Servo''': Well, I guess ''he'' can't be a witness... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's Guardian Angel appears before Joe's spirit]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Joe's Angel]'' [[It's a Wonderful Life|Are you George Bailey? Sorry; wrong film.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[in Heaven's Traffic Court, the judge (presumably God) is filing over paperwork while Joe's Angel attempts to get his attention]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Judge]'' Dear Diary... it's hard being God. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Angel''': ''[while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court]'' I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble... :'''Crow''': ''[as the Angel]'' But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's Guardian Angel prepares to divulge more about Joe as a driver before he's interrupted by the sound of a car crash]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Hang on, you'll want to see this. :'''Servo''': ''[as a wall tally of injuries and fatalities ticks forward for driving accidents]'' And at halftime, injuries are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey... :''[Joe sees this and looks forelorn as it starts to sink in how badly he acted as a motorist]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Joe]'' I'm so ashamed. :'''Joel''': ''[the Judge looks over a list and marks off the name of the presumed accident victim]'' Looks like [[w:Richard Nixon|Nixon's]] enemy list. :'''Crow''': ''[as Judge]'' Hurts, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': ''[addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver]'' Incidentally, was there any traffic law he '''didn't''' violate? :'''Joe''': Oh; I never hit-and-run. :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Well, ''that'' changes everything! :'''Judge''': If you did, then you'd be booked in- ''[clears throat]'' :'''Servo''': In phlegm? :'''Judge''': -in a ''lower court''. :'''Servo''': Oh. :'''Judge''': You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse '''you''' of it. :'''Crow''': ''[as Judge, muttering]'' Never hit and run; why I oughta- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver... :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Now how is he as a cocktail waitress! :'''Judge''': ...how is he as a pedestrian? :'''Angel''': Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he '''''knew''''' he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze. :'''Servo''': ''[as Angel]'' Squeaking, and calling himself [[w:Flowers for Algernon|Algernon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[musing to himself over the Judge's closing statement in the short- "Are you qualified to pass judgement on Joe?"]'' Qualified? Hm, what a question. Me- Crow T. Robot- am I qualified? That's a heavy burden. I'm just a simple bot, alone as it were in the vast universe... thing. Could I make a difference? '''''Can I''''' make a difference? . . . :'''Crow''': Hey, Cambot; bring the screen in a little, and play that moody music. ''[jaunty contemplative music plays]'' What would Joel do in a situation like this? Ah, no- no, I've got to learn to think for myself; to stand on my own two foot-like appendages. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by God, I '''can''' do it! Why I... I could start a letter writing campaign, or I could organize a bake sale. Hey... ''[adressing the viewers]'' We can all help! C'mon friends, run to your window and shout "I'm really cheesed, and I'm not just gonna wait around 'til things get better"! Go do guerilla theater in the food court of your mall; or dress a little differently, make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Here's an idea, toss some Cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and cover the sordid biographical details of your warped adolescense and '''''then''''' watch the grant money come in; but don't snap-judge me. . . . :'''Crow''': ''[continuing]'' Parade up and down the streets in your underwear! Impose your ideals on others- it's easy; crush someone with an emotional word or enigmatic look. You decide, '''you''' do it... I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision; I'm no good at this sort of thing! It's up to you. I'm passing the buck to '''you'''. And now we've got Commercial Sign. ''[as he calms himself down and the music fades out]'' Oh, the pain, the pain... ''[sighs]'' ==== King Dinosaur (movie) ==== :''[the movie begins with a credit for producer [[w:Robert L. Lippert|Robert Lippert]], who the SOL crew are more than familiar with at this point]'' :'''Servo''': Lippert? Oh, yikes! :'''Joel''': [[w:Rocketship X-M|Mars is extending us a welcome!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Jungle Goddess|French-fried potatoes!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova]'' If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. ''[Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully]'' On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City. :'''Crow''': ''[as Dr. Gordon]'' I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word. :'''Narrator''': ''[cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation]'' The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet. :'''Servo''': Yes, it's not very polite. :'''Narrator''': Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas. :'''Joel''': And she's cute too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as bizarre sounding horn music plays during the opening scenes]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa; is [[w:Bozo's Circus|Cookie the Clown]] on the premises again? . . . :'''Joel''': ''[smoke pours from the rocket]'' A new Pope is selected; it's Cookie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the rocket ship is slowly landing on the planet Nova]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as [[John F. Kennedy]] ]'' I believe by the end of this decade, we will land a piece of stock footage on another planet. Ask not what a processed shot can do for you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Dr. Ralph Martin and Patricia Bennett record their test results and superimposed footage is shown over a tape recorder]'' :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': A preliminary biological study made of the air on Nova show the indications of microscopic life not unlike that found on Earth. However, approximately 40% of the bacteria... :'''Crow''': Was superimposed. :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': ...was completely unfamiliar. :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': Tests for radiation gave a reading of approximately 10% above normal background count... :'''Crow''': Joel, I'm tripping! :'''Joel''': No, it's just a photo-processed... :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': ...less than a tolerable percentage. :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': Temperature... :'''Servo [as Patricia]''': [[w:Watergate scandal|Expletive deleted.]] [[w:Nixon White Hoise tapes|18 minutes was deleted from this tape.]] [[w:Richard Nixon|I am not a crook.]] :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': Although our preliminary tests are in no way conclusive... :'''Servo [as Patricia]''': Or any good at all... :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': ...it does substantiate however that human and animal life as we know it on Earth can exist in the atmosphere and environment of Planet Nova. :'''Joel''': The end. :'''Crow''': Aw, they taped over the [[w:The Beatles in Hamburg|Beatles Berlin]] tapes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': What time would you say it is? :'''Joel [as Richard]''': Uh, it's time to kill something. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': ''[looking at a flock of birds]'' I'd say it's about three o'clock Earth time here. :'''Servo [as Richard]''': Judging by those birds. :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': ...we don't know how many hours there are on the daily cycle here. You know, this place could move around faster than our Earth. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': Well let's figure for three o'clock anyway. That's gives us about three or four hours before dark. :'''Joel [as Richard]''': Besides, I've decided I'm the new God of this planet. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the scientists sees a superimposed wasp descend upon their campsite]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as scientist/Martin Brody]'' [[Jaws (film)|I'm gonna get a bigger shoe. We're gonna get a bigger shoe, right?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Nora and Richard come upon a barren part of the mysterious island]'' :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': What a desolate, forsaken place. :'''Crow''': What a stilted, pretentious line. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while the scientists attempt to flee from a <s>iguana</s> dinosaur with their <s>kinkajou</s> lemur in tow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to the "dinosaur"]'' Hey, come over here! You wanna meet Joey? :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' '''No'''!! I told you this would happen! Please, I abhor you! Get out of here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" <s>iguana</s> [[w:T. rex|T. rex]].]'' :'''Dr. Bennett''': Oh Ralph, what is it?! :'''Crow''': ''[yelling]'' It's an iguana, now shut up! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': ''[as everyone scrambles to flee the island as an atomic bomb ticks away to detonation]'' Anybody got the time? It's a little matter of an atomic bomb. :'''Joel''': ''[in a sing-song voice]'' Your careers are finally almost over! You'll never be in another film! You may end up in the Psychotronic Film Guide! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the atomic explosion kills all the prehistoric beasts on the island]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? They'd never surrender. It was right for us to blow them up. :'''Crow [as the kinkajou]''': Thanks for annihilating everything I know! :'''Servo''': You know, they're only two miles from the blast, aren't they gonna get vaporized? :'''Crow''': Hope so. Well it's an atomic bomb-lite actually. One third as destructive as our other bomb. :'''Servo''': Ohhhh... Well, score one for Earth. :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': Well, we've done it. :'''Joel [as Ralph]''': Not a word of this gets out to the people of Earth, alright? :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': We sure have done it. We brought civilization to planet Nova. :'''Crow''': Ha! Was that irony? This late in the film. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': Let's go home. :'''Joel''': Yeah, let's go home and grow some three-headed kids. :'''Crow''': Hey, there's a certain glow about June. It's... never mind. :'''Servo''': And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery death in the sky, they went home. === [[w:The Silent Star|First Spaceship on Venus]] === :''[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]'' :'''Brinkman''': Sumiko! :'''Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]''': I will as soon my lawyer gets here. :'''Sumiko''': Brinkman! ''[An uneasy moment passes.]'' Have I changed that much? :'''Joel [as Brinkman]''': Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brinkman]''': Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, [[w:The Blob|Blob]]-like slick chasing them.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, where's [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]] when you need him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script? === [[w:Godzilla vs. Megalon|Godzilla vs. Megalon]] === :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]'' :'''Goro''': Hey! The rocket! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[Snorts]'' Rockets! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': On a picnic? : . . . :'''Rokuro''': Help me! Hurry up! :'''Joel''': Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! : . . . :''[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]'' :'''Servo''': Guess a rocket ''is'' standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Yep! :'''Crow [as Picnicker]''': Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]'' :'''Jinkawa''': ''[to Goro]'' Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot! :'''Joel [as Goro]''': Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]'' :'''Crow [as a Narrator]''': Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! [[w:Maniac (song)|He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...]] :. . . :''[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]'' :'''Joel''': They've just created [[w:Jennifer Beals|Jennifer Beals]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]'' :'''Joel [as Capt. Willard]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]'' :'''Goro''': Isn't that Jet Jaguar there? :'''Servo''': ''[Sarcastically]'' No, it's another superhero of your own design! :'''Goro''': They're controlling him. :'''Rok-san''': It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla! :'''Crow''': Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission? :'''Joel''': Um, no. :'''Servo''': Not ''this'' kid. :. . . :'''Servo [as Jinkawa]''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]'' :'''Servo''': I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys... :. . . :'''Crow''': He's got a foreign object! :'''Servo''': He ''is'' a foreign object! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]'' :'''Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]''': [[w:They Live|I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]'' :'''Crow [as Megalon/[[w:General Zod|General Zod]]]''': You ''will'' bow down before me, Jet Jaguar! :'''Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]''': Do you expect me to ''talk''? :'''Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]''': No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to ''die''! :'''Servo''': Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]'' :'''Servo [as Megalon]''': Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]'' :'''Servo [as Sportscaster]''': Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]'' :'''Rok-san''': Godzilla! Bye-bye! :'''Servo [as Goro]''': Thanks for leveling our country! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]'' :'''Goro''': ''[Into medallion]'' Jet Jaguar! Let's go home! :''[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]'' :'''Crow [as Jet Jaguar]''': Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a badly translated version of the Jet Jaguar theme]'' :'''Singer''': ''[subtitles]'' ''He jock it made of steel'' : ''Eats sushi from a pail'' : ''Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!'' : ''He mother never really love him'' : ''He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity'' : ''He dickey covers up an Adams Apple the size of a Toyota'' : ''He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock'' : ''Knock! Knock! Knock!'' : ''Who's there?'' : ''His head looks like Jack Nicholson'' : ''Don't smile like that, it will stay that way'' : ''YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH!'' === [[w:Ebirah, Horror of the Deep|Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster]] === :''[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Godzilla]''': Hey! Whadda ya think I am, [[w:Tippi Hedren|Tippi]] [[w:The Birds (film)|Hedren]]? Get outta here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.{{hnote|A reference to the ''National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue'', the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, ''The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life'', with many Bond girls.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:kebab|Kabob]] and Ka-Steve! == Season 3 == === [[w:Ator 2 - L'invincibile Orion|Cave Dwellers]] === :''[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': How much Keefe is in this movie? :'''Servo''': Oh, ''Miles O' Keefe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ator''': Man's destiny is predetermined. :'''Joel''': Oh, he's a [[w:Calvinism|Calvinist]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]'' :'''Servo [as one of the villains]''': You idiot, we don't even have a [[w:deer hunting|doe license]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]'' :'''Joel [as Mila]''': Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw. :'''Servo [as Mila]''': What would [[w:MacGyver|MacGyver]] do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, you mean the '80s. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': He never killed, uh, that big a ''puppet'' before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"! :'''Servo''': Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we ''finally'' have our first plot point! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire ''villains'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a group of snakes, which suddenly make highly non-snake-like growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': ...what? :''[Another pan over snakes, another set of growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... folks, we have snakes ''growling'' here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's not slimy at all! :'''Servo''': That's 'cause it's made out of velour. : . . . :'''Servo''': Just cut the wires, Ator! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, come ''on''. :'''Crow''': What the…?! :'''Servo''': ''[laughs]'' :'''Joel''': Terrific. ''[childlike voice]'' [[w:The Pee-wee Herman Show|I'm the luckiest boy in the world!]] [[w:John Gillespie Magee, Jr.|I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!]] :'''Servo''': This is a ''little'' ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? ''[…]'' learned aerodynamics… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|Message for you, sir!]]'' Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there. :'''Joel''': Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, he's landing in the [[w:outback|outback]] now. :''[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh— huh? :'''Joel''': How'd he do that? :'''Servo [as Ator]''': How'd I do that? :''[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]'' :'''Joel''': Well, I s'pose he's got a [[w:tank|tank]] in the courtyard, now. :'''Crow''': Yeah, and it's made out of [[w:Gilligan's Island|coconuts]]. === [[w:Gamera, the Giant Monster|Gamera]] === :''[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gamera]''': Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound. :'''Servo''': ''[defensive]'' Shut up! It's not funny. ''[Scoffs]'' :'''Kenny''': ''[looking for his turtle]'' You there? :'''Servo''': ''[beginning to get a little sad]'' Oh Tibby... :'''Kenny''': Tibby? :'''Crow''': [[w:To Be, or Not to Be|...or not Tibby]]. :'''Servo''': It's not- Stop it! Shut up! :'''Kenny''': Tibby! :'''Crow [as Kenny]''': Tibby! Tibby! ''SQUISH!'' Aww, Tibby! :'''Servo''': ''[getting more emotional]'' That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop! :'''Kenny''': Tibby??? Tibby! :'''Joel''': What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom. :'''Servo''': ''[gets up and begins to walk away]'' I'm leaving! I ha- ''[sobbing]'' I can't take this, this is terrible! :'''Joel''': Come on back, come on. :'''Servo''': ''[returning to his seat]'' Will you stop with the jokes? :'''Joel''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]'' :'''Kenny''': Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Murase]''': Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! :'''Dr. Murase''': Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. :'''General''': Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Murase]''': Because Kenny ''said'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]'' :'''Newsman''': There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers... :'''Crow [as Newsman]''': ... and Kenny... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Murase''': Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. :'''Servo''': More Gamera movies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]'' :'''Announcer''': The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Kenny, however, is free to move about. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gamera is lured to the missile, trapped in a large capsule, and launched into space]'' :'''Servo''': Uhh... :'''Crow''': Hey, Joel, remind you of anything? :'''Joel''': ''[rips Crow's arm off and hits him with it]'' Yeah, it reminds me of ''this!'' :'''Crow''': Ah! Hey! Cut it out. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[singing]'' In the not too distant future- ''[Joel hits Servo with the arm and throws it away]'' :'''Crow''': Ha ha! :'''Servo''': You could get sued for that kind of thing. :'''Joel''': I'm gonna sue ''you'' for using that song. === [[w:Extra Terrestrial Visitors|Pod People]] === :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the [[w:Public domain|public domain]] karaoke machine]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "[[w:I Want to Know What Love Is|I Want to Know What Love Is]]" by Foreigner? :'''TV's Frank''': People vomit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Your movie today is ''Pod People''. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has ''everything'' to do with hurting! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:It was a dark and stormy night|It was a dark and stormy night]]. I'd taken a creative writing course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]'' :'''Hunter #1''': What the hell is that? :'''Hunter #2''': I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear! :'''Crow''': A ''[[w:pear|pear]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, what is he, an ''[[w:Los_Angeles_riots_of_1992|L.A. Cop]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]'' :'''Rick''': It stinks! {{hnote|The movie was filmed in Spain, where the okay sign is given to indicate something is worthless, or zero.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell. :'''Crow''': Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em? :'''Joel [as Adman]''': It's because of [[w:Smuckers|Smuckers]] raspberry preserves. :'''Crow''': And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]'' :'''Servo''': Syntho-birds. :'''Crow''': Hey, it's a [[w:Casio|Casio]] forest. :'''Joel''': They parked next to a data stream. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]'' :'''Joel [as Tommy]''': Hey, what gives? [[w:Carton#Faces of missing children|''I'm'' on the milk carton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy''': You know what "play" means, Trumpy? :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': Yes, it's where I break you in half. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]'' :'''Tommy''': You see? The pieces go together. :'''Joel''': Oh, if only this ''film'' were so lucky. <hr width="50%"/> :''[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]'' :'''Joel''': They got ''[[w:Wild Kingdom|Wild Kingdom]]'' on the telescope. : . . . :'''Tommy''': You can do ''magic'' things! :''[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]'' :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': It's called "evil", kid. :'''Servo''': Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm? :'''Joel''': He's got [[w:Bette Davis Eyes|Bette Davis eyes]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]] eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]'' :'''Crow [as Molly]''': Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, in another movie? ''[sighs]'' Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy's mother''': Tommy, can you hear me? :'''Joel [as Tommy's mother]''': [[w:Tommy (album)|Can you feel me near you?]] <hr width=''50%"/> (Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly) :'''Joel''': I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works! :'''Servo''': I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams) : . . . :'''Joel''': ''Oh, we've got commercial sign!!'' <hr width=''50%"/> :''[Servo narrates over the movie's cheesy synthesizer soundtrack:]'' :'''Servo''': Tonight on Music from The Hearts of Space, we'll go on a cosmic joyride with some space music by various bay area artists. :''[Later:]'' :'''Servo''': First up on Hearts of Space, John Tesh with ''Whispering Firestorm.'' Then it's Yanni with ''SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar.'' Then comes bay area musician DelMondo with his ''[[w:Sominex|Sominex]] Suite in B-flat.'' Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music... from... The Hearts... of Space. === [[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]] === :''[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Bible#death-sting|Death, where is thy sting?]] We're ''waiting''. === [[w:The Stranger (1973 film)|Stranded in Space]] === === [[w:Saru no Gundan|Time of the Apes]] === :'''Gypsy''': I thought I told you kids not to play ball in the house! :''[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Caroline]''': My piece of wood! It died so that we might live. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]'' :'''Crow [as Officer]''': About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Caroline''': Catherine, I'm scared! :'''Catherine''': Don't worry, we're with you. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We're doomed, but with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]'' :'''Catherine''': Hurry, this way! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, like you know where you're going! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': AAAH! The tree's having a seizure! === [[w:Daddy-O (film)|Daddy-O]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[offscreen, towards Frank while the button to end the experiment is broken]'' Frank, what are you doing? :'''TV's Frank''': I was just getting a- uh, piece of water. :'''Dr. Forrester''': A piece of water? :'''TV's Frank''': I mean a glass of- cake... I mean- :'''Dr. Forrester''': Come here. ''[drags Frank over to the button by the ear and forces him to hold the button down; the credits start only to cut back to Deep 13, with the two working on the computer board]'' Well that's it, Frank; we're licked. :'''TV's Frank''': Dr. Forrester, I've known you to be many things, but not a quitter. Are you going to give up? Live, damn it; LIVE! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, I remember now; alt function seven. ''[presses an alternate button and the credits finally roll properly]'' ==== Alphabet Antics (short) ==== :''[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]'' :'''Servo''': D is for damned, as in "[[w:Village Of The Damned|Village Of]]". :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as dancing boy/Hitler]''': You vill dance with me, Eva! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]'' :'''Servo [as giraffe]''': I want a Clark bar. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]'' :'''Joel''': I is for Ike. He hides inside. <hr width="50%"/> :''[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen]'' :'''Joel''': Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. :. . . :''[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]'' :'''Joel''': And there's Elvis now. :. . . :''[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[before the narrator can talk]'' N is for float... huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, and there's Louie Anderson. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': O is for once... :'''Servo''': "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? :. . . :''[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]'' :'''Servo''': O is for the obscene treatment of animals. :. . . :'''Joel''': P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': P is for plagiarism from [[w:Ogden Nash|Ogden Nash]]! {{hnote|The narrator's line is lifted from ''The Pelican'', a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, these are all boys! :. . . :'''Joel''': Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': U is for upchuck that comes from below. ''[imiates vomiting]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': X is for Xmas... :'''Servo''': X is for existential dilemma. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Yeah, well, Y is for [[w:Yanni|Yanni]], as far as I'm concerned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]'' :'''Joel''': Y is the chemical symbol for [[w:yttrium|heavy metals]] that the fish is full of! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness. ==== Daddy-O (movie) ==== :''[Upon seeing title of movie]'' :'''Crow''': Daddy-O! :'''Servo''': Must be [[W:Harry O|Harry O]]'s father. Or [[w:Wendy O. Williams|Wendy O.]]'s dad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]'' :'''Joel [as Chillas]''': Let's eat some butter. ''Gobs'' of butter. Big handfuls! :''[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]'' :'''Phil''': What's this? :'''Servo [as Chillas]''': It's made of butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a couple of drug dealers are beating up Phil for information]'' :'''Man in Hat''': Anything new to tell me? :'''Servo [as Phil]''': ''[straining]'' [[Citizen Kane|Rosebud]], was a sled. === [[w:Gamera vs. Gaos|Gamera vs. Gaos]] === :''[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, bless you. :''[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[startled]'' Was ''he'' mooing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Photographer''': ''[trying to get Eiichi's attention]'' Hey, Boy! Boy! :'''Joel''': [[w:West Side Story|Crazy Boy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to this week's edition of ''[[w:Meet the Press|Eat the Press]]''. === [[w:The Amazing Colossal Man|The Amazing Colossal Man]] === :''[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in Irish accent]'' Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[in old lady voice]'' Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn''': All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore. :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. :'''Glenn''': ''I don't want to grow anymore!'' :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': ''I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. === [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|Fugitive Alien]] === :''[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in ''well'' over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… ''horribly'' old. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the title sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Sandy Frank presents our own personal ''hell!'' :'''Servo''': Indeed. :'''Joel''': Who ''is'' that guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the film opens with an invasion fleet over a planet]'' :'''Crow''': Oh man, cool, this is just like episode 38 of ''[[w:Star Trek (The Original Series)|Star Trek]]'', the first season, but it doesn't have that same kind of- :'''Servo''': No no no, it's like the star raider the [[w:Dalek|Daleks]] had in the [[w:The Doctor|fifth generation]] of the ''[[w:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]'', when they had [[w:The Three Doctors (Doctor Who)|the three Doctors together]], and they had the one that looked like Mo- :'''Crow''': No, it's definitely like a [[w:Klingons|Klingon]]! :'''Joel''': Okay, that's good... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the fleet attacks a city]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is super cool, like that [[w:Saga of a Star World|first episode]] of ''[[w: Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' when they have to leave the planet, and [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] got stabbed in the back! :'''Servo''': No no no, it's like ''Invasion Earth''- it's like ''Invasion Earth'' and they'll be like Zola babies when the fast source ships come in and they- :'''Crow''': Nuh-uh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a big list of writers are appears]'' :'''Crow''': Why do they need so many writers? :'''Servo''': Well, they needed one guy for the verbs, one guy for the nouns, some guys for the adjectives, you know, adverbs... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken flips through the air during the beginning attack]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, it's an intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance. :'''Crow''': Hey, you're starting to sound like Jack Perkins, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken flees, after accidentally killing his own soldier]'' :'''Crow''': Just like that episode, where it was like the [[w:Patterns of Force (Star Trek: The Original Series)|Nazi world]] on ''Star Trek''. :'''Servo''': No no no, it was like ''Doctor Who'', when [[w:Tom Baker|Tom Baker]] was the Doctor- I think he was the Fifth Doctor, and he was trying to save Neela from the Clite Masters. :'''Joel''': That's enough. :'''Crow''': No, 'cause I saw it at a math tournament. :'''Servo''': No, I saw- I saw it in the Who Festival. They had 12 hours... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': I don't wanna die in the middle of nowhere! :'''Joel [as Ken]''': I wanna die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken is rescued by the crew of the ''Bacchus 3'']'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I remember this. This is just like in ''[[w:Marooned (1969 film)|Marooned]]'', when [[w:David Janssen|David Janssen]] goes to save [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] and [[w:James Franciscus|James Franciscus]] in the derelict spaceship before the Soviet- the- the- the Soviet... :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's pretty cool. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and the Soviet satellite comes up and... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: This is the song written for the train chase. :: This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! :: He tried to kill me with a forklift… :: Olé! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': There's the ship... but how do I get aboard? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky, how often do I have to tell you, you should stop reading those science fiction novels? :'''Crow [as Rocky]''': ''[defensively]'' THEY'RE COMIC BOOKS! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the crew of Bacchus 3 discusses what to do about Ken, while Captain Joe drinks from a flask]'' :'''Rocky''': Captain, anyone can make a mistake, just as long as you don't keep on repeating it. I think we should get rid of Ken. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Which one? :'''Tammy''': I disagree. Have you already forgotten? Ken saved our lives! I think he deserves another chance. Don't you agree? :'''Rocky''': Okay. :'''Joel''': Man of firm convictions... :'''Rocky''': I guess you're right. I'll take him back on one condition... :'''Joel [as Rocky]''': You stop drinking, and start going to meetings. === [[w:It Conquered the World|It Conquered the World]] === ==== Snow Thrills (short) ==== : ''[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]'' :'''Servo''': Boy, all this just to talk to [[w:Jim McKay|Jim McKay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]'' :'''Narrator''': ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us! :'''Joel''': Yeah, well, you're full of skit. :. . . :''[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]'' :'''Tom''': Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs. ==== It Conquered the World (movie) ==== :''[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson ([[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]]) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying. :'''Servo [as Tom Anderson]''': Then gimme back my cocktail. :'''Tom Anderson''': It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me. :'''Crow [as Tom Anderson]''': Bitter? Oh, a ''tad''. : . . . :''[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]'' :'''Joan Nelson''': A personal ''friend'' of yours? :'''Servo [as Joan]''': Name dropper! :'''Claire Anderson''': ''[sarcastically]'' Real chums. :'''Tom Anderson''': The days when people made fun of me are over, girl. :'''Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]''': [[Superman II#General Zod|You will bow down before me!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul Nelson ([[w:Peter Graves (actor)|Peter Graves]]) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. === [[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]] === :''[The movie credits show: &copy; MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the Nestl&eacute;'s jingle]'' M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[singing]'' Movies — NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during a scene with very poor dubbing]'' :'''Dr. Shiga''': There's no... :'''Servo [as Dr. Shiga]''': Business like... show business. :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... air or water on the moon... so no living thing inhabits it. As you know for sure. :'''Servo''': Uh-huh. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And... :'''Joel and Servo''': Yeah? Uh-huh? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... there are... :'''Servo''': Go on. :'''Joel''': We're waiting. Go on. :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... no rivers on Mars. :'''Servo''': Oh. :'''Crow''': Yes. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And on Venus... :'''Joel''': Yeah? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... it has several hundred degrees centigrade. :'''Joel''': We're waiting. :'''Servo''': It does. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And... :'''Servo''': Yes? :'''Joel''': Go on? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... the surface of... Jupiter is covered with... :'''Servo''': ''[getting annoyed]'' '''SUM. UP.''' :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... frozen ammonia. :'''Joel''': You got a little uh... :'''Dr. Shiga''': Saturn... is also... :'''Joel''': Mhmm? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ...the same. :'''Servo''': Get on with it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the film's score]'' Let's watch the kids go to their fates / They'll disappear into the woods / It will be days before they're found / Cornjob will be blamed. :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' Why must we sing this stupid song? / It's getting really a-nnoying / We apologize for its le-ength... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': We are filled with shame. :'''Servo''': Ta-da! :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' Now back to our '''show.''' :'''Servo''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]'' :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An establishing shot of [[w:Gaos|Gaos]]]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Come Together|Here comes old flattop...]] :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' Don't! [[George Harrison]] will sue you! :'''Joel''': Oops, sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the battle between Gaos and Guiron; Gaos attempts to use a beam attack, which Guiron deflects back to Gaos' leg, dismembering Gaos]'' :'''Crow''': He's got a leg up on him now. :''[Joel and Servo groan]'' :'''Servo''': Crow! :'''Crow''': I know. :... :''[Guiron leaps up at Gaos while they are in flight, slicing off one of Gaos' wings, causing them to crash]'' :'''Crow''': Hi-keeba! I'd give my right arm to beat that guy. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''Crow''': He's flying on a limb and a prayer, you might say. :'''Servo''': Grrr! :'''Crow''': He's going out on a limb! He's winging it! :'''Servo''': Do something, Joel! Do something! :''[Joel begins shaking Crow, threatening to tear an arm off while he laughs]'' :'''Joel''': I'm just gonna leave that there... :'''Servo''': ''[watching Gaos' wings twitch]'' Hey look, buffalo wings, guys- ''[realizes]'' Don't hurt me. :... :''[Guiron decapitates Gaos]'' :'''Crow''': Quit while you're ahead! :''[Servo groans and Joel shakes Crow some more]'' :'''Crow''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry- ahhh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Akio''': ''[as he and Tom meet the two space-girls]'' Please tell me, what star are we on? :'''Joel [as Akio]''': What's the drinking age? :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' It's a ''planet''. :'''Tom''': How far are we from the Earth? :'''Space Girl''': We call this star, Terra... :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' It's a ''planet''! :'''Space Girl''': It's on the opposite side of the Earth where you are living. Exactly like the Earth with the sun between, same size and moving like the Earth. :'''Akio''': So you mean to tell us that it's like a twin star, then? :'''Servo''': ''[getting annoyed]'' It's a ''PLANET.'' :'''Tom''': I wondered if there was such a star. :'''Servo''': It's a '''''PLANET!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]'' :'''Joel [as Space Girl]''': Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]'' :'''Akio''': Hey, what happened to my hair? :'''Tom''': The space aliens did it, they're cannibals! :'''Joel [as Akio]''': They '''''ate''''' my hair? :''[this particular joke was improvised by [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh's Servo]] in [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Gamera vs. Guiron|the original KTMA episode]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tomoko''': Akio and Tom went on a spaceship, mother! :'''Akio's Mother''': Don't tell me such a silly story like Akio and Tom. :'''Tomoko''': It's true! We found a spaceship near the river, and they went inside. It lit up suddenly, and- :'''Akio's Mother''': I see. Akio's up to something again. :'''Joel [as Akio's Mother]''': No more sugar for you. :'''Tomoko''': Please tell me something. Don't you believe in spaceships, and spacemen, you know? :'''Akio's Mother''': No I don't. :'''Tomoko''': But, the paper said a lot of people saw flying saucers. Don't you know it? :'''Akio's Mother''': They are all made up stories! :'''Tomoko''': But mother- :'''Crow [as Akio's Mother]''': I'm not your mother! :'''Akio's Mother''': Stop it! Study, or you cannot enter a ''good'' school. :'''Servo [as Akio's Mother]''': Mommy's just... mad 'cause she doesn't know... phonics. :'''Crow [as Tomoko]''': I'll show her! [[w:Yoko Ono|I'm gonna grow up to break up]] [[The Beatles]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[in psychotic child voice]'' When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home]'' :'''Tom's Mother''': Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom. :'''Crow''': It's Vanessa Redgrave! :''[Aiko's mother approaches]'' :'''Aiko's Mother''': Hello Elsa... :'''Servo''': Hello, Inga. :'''Tom's Mother''': Hello, thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...thank you again. :'''Servo''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Tom's Mother''': I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it? :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': No, and there's no use to ask her... :''[shot of Tomoko on the balcony]'' :'''Servo [as Tomoko]''': I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...you said space? :'''Aiko's Mother''': Yeah. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up. :'''Servo''': Hahahaha... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Hello! :'''Crow''': That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you! :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...please drop in for tea. :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thanks, but I'm in a hurry. :'''Aiko's Mother''': I see... :'''Servo''': Thank you. :'''Crow''': Bye. :'''Joel''': Hello, and thank you! :''[Tom's mother gets in her car]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for going. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello! :''[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]''': Shut up and keep driving! And thank you! :'''Tomoko''': Hello! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Hello! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]'' :'''Tomoko''': Kon-chan? :'''Officer Kondo''': Heh? What? :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[whispers]'' They will all die by Gamera's hand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! === [[w:Earth vs. the Spider|Earth vs. the Spider]] === ==== Speech: Using Your Voice (short) ==== :'''Professor Bueller''': Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...or an arm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]'' :'''Professor Bueller''': Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing. :'''Servo [as Bueller]''': Oh, and you must have a wire rack. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Do you know... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]'' :'''Man #1''': Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well... :'''Crow [as Man #1]''': Uh... er... panties! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]'' :'''Bueller''': Now, let's look at another typical example. :''[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]'' :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now ''he'' is pleasing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]'' :'''Man #2''': Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when... :'''Crow [as Man #2]''': Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'... :'''Man #2''': I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and... :'''Servo''': Ah, [[Garrison Keillor]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do... :'''Joel [as Bueller]''': ...will wish he were dead. ==== Earth vs. the Spider (movie) ==== :'''Carol Flynn''': I know something's happened to him. :'''Mike Simpson''': Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that? :'''Servo [as Carol]''': Oh, that's just a dead fa- a '''DEAD FATHER???''' Oh nooo! ''[Sobbing]'' :'''Crow [as Carol]''': Oh my God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': No, [[w:Doctor Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Erhardt]], no! So ''that's'' what happened to him! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Erhardt]''': Enjoy! {{hnote|The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel mentions [[w:KISS_%28band%29|KISS]]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were '''NEVER''' cool! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]'' :'''Crow''': It's Rose Kennedy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! [[w:The Amazing Colossal Man|"What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"]] :'''Servo''': Cool! :'''Mike's Father''': Mike, you're wanted on the phone. :'''Crow [as Mike's Father]''': And get my shirts from the laundry. :''[Mike goes inside]'' :'''Joel [as Mike]''': Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool! :''[Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon]'' :'''Servo''': ... everywhere... oh Bert... :'''Mike''': Hello? :'''Carol''': Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet. :'''Crow [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]''': [[w:Commando (1985 film)|I lied.]] :'''Mike''': You don't mean right now, do you? :'''Carol''': If you can get away. Please Mike? :'''Mike''': Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. [[w:Attack of the Puppet People|Something about puppet people.]] Sounds pretty wild. :'''Joel''': Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon... :'''Carol''': Please? :'''Mike''': Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again. :'''Carol''': Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there. :'''Mike''': Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes. :'''Carol''': I'll be waiting. :''[Mike runs outside]'' :'''Mike''': I'll see you dad, I got a date now! :'''Mike's Father''': Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you? :'''Servo [as Mike's Father]''': Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie? === [[w:Mighty Jack|Mighty Jack]] === :''[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]'' :'''Joel''': Sex cameraman? Is this a– :'''Servo''': No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Blow the Man Down"]'' ::Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! :: ::Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! === [[w:Teenage Caveman (1958 film)|Teenage Caveman]] === :''[it's raining outside of the Satellite and the crew is bored]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Why don't you boys play Hungry Hungry Hippoes? :'''Joel''': Oh; we lost all the marbles. :'''Servo''': Hey, Magic Voice; don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do you? :'''Magic Voice''': I didn't play with it last. :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' The pieces are missing anyway. . . . :'''Magic Voice''': Well, why don't you read a book? :'''Joel''': ''[as he and the Bots scoff and protest]'' Oh, gag me... no way! :'''Magic Voice''': Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in five seconds. :'''Joel''': Maybe we could play some poker. :'''Gypsy''': Poker? What's poker? :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Joel and the Bots agree on the poker idea]'' You boys be nice to Gypsy. . . . :'''Joel''': ''[helping instruct Gypsy through the game, whispering]'' Gypsy, just tell 'em what you want to do and keep your poker face on. :'''Gypsy''': [I'm] in! :'''Crow''': Let's see, what to do... :'''Gypsy''': ''[cheerfully]'' Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! :'''Crow''': ''[disgusted, after seeing Gypsy's hand]'' Oh, I fold! :'''Joel''': ''[disappointed]'' Aw, Gypsy, you wrecked it; you had a great hand! ==== Aquatic Wizards (short) ==== :'''Announcer''': Where's the third fellow? He's ''chicken'' — never jumped at all. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah! :''[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Forget about life-jackets, this is The 50's! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing over footage of young women water-skiing]'' : ''Gee, I hope I'm skating pretty'' : ''Gee, I hope I get a boyfriend'' : ''Gee, I hope I don't get acne'' : ''I'm having so much fun now!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water. :'''Crow''': This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur! :'''Servo [as Anouncer]''': Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???.... ==== Catching Trouble (short) ==== :''[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ted Husing]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Kill Colonel Kurtz]]! :'''Ted Husing''': It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[Groucho Marx]]]''': And two hard-boiled eggs. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as [[w:Harpo Marx|Harpo Marx]]]''': Honk! :'''Crow [as Groucho Marx]''': Make that three hard-boiled eggs. {{hnote|Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago? :'''Servo [as Husing]''': For voting twice? :'''Ted Husing''': Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bobcat]''': Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hurting the people you know and love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Husing''': Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...or call [[w:People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]'' :'''Joel''': What I wouldn't give to see that cub's ''mom'' show up right about now, huh, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Ross in the ensuing host segment while a rubber rattlesnake is stuck inside a bag alongside a figure of Ross]'' Not the giant rattler! Please; I can't do that! He hates me; we went to camp together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in closing during the ensuing host segment]'' If you enjoy Catching Trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you! :'''Joel''': Any questions? ==== Teenage Caveman (movie) ==== :'''Narrator''': In the beginning, there was chaos... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Run by [[w:Bernie Kopell|Bernie Kopell]]. :''[a flash of light appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, and then God showed up. :'''Narrator''': And a voice said, "Let there be light." :'''Joel''': Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these. :'''Narrator''': And the dark was separated from the light. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': And permanent press was separated from cottons. :'''Narrator''': There was created, the waters and the land. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And [[w:Charlton Heston|Charlton Heston]]. ConTel. :'''Narrator''': And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit. :'''Servo''': Frogs. :'''Joel''': Oh, this is ''[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' before they colorized it. :'''Narrator''': ''[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen]'' The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied. :'''Crow''': They all look like [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]]. :'''Narrator''': And then there came... man. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': To screw the whole thing up! :'''Servo and Joel''': Hey! :'''Crow''': Well, what about [[w:Ross Allen (herpetologist)|Ross]]? <hr width=50%/> :''[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:How Green Was My Valley|How green was my valley?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Not very. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Symbol Maker's teenage son ([[w:Robert Vaughn|Robert Vaughn]]) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]'' :'''Symbol Maker's Son''': Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty '''''there'''''? ''[footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Why am I thinking about gas stations? :'''Symbol Maker''': [Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die. :'''Servo''': Oh, like Hollywood! :'''Symbol Maker''': There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men. :'''Crow''': ''[as Symbol Maker]'' And kids that eat paste! <hr width="50%"> :'''Joel''': This script is like a telephone directory! :'''Crow''': But not as interesting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[of the Symbol Maker's son early on]'' [[Rebel Without a Cause|Caveman Without a Cause]]! === [[w:Gamera vs. Zigra|Gamera vs. Zigra]] === === [[w:The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent|The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent]] === :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' W is for the many ways that you're served :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' A is for the admiration you deserve :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' And F is for the flavor that is second to none! :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth! :'''Joe, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' E is for eggs--Oh Baby! :'''Tom''': Triple time! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love-- :'''Gypsy''': Send me up another please! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Oh, waffles we love-- :'''Servo''': Top mine off with runny cheese! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waffles we love-- :'''Crow''': Chili waffles suit me fine! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waffles we love-- :'''Joel''': Wash me down with Aunt Jemima? :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel walks in carrying a plate of waffles; with only one thing to say]'' :'''Joel''': ...Waffles. ''[Movie Sign blares]'' Oh; we've got Movie Sign! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place ''without'' waffles. :'''Crow''': ''[appears dressed in a waffle costume]'' [[w:A Case of Spring Fever|No waffles]]? :'''Servo''': Ah, who are you? :'''Crow''': Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing? :'''Servo''': Sure. :'''Crow''': ''[suddenly shouting]'' Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad? :'''Joel''': ''[as "Chad"]'' Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have- :'''Crow''': ''[as Willie]'' Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! ''[makes whistling noise]'' Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles! :'''Joel''': ''[as young boy]'' Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles? :'''Crow''': ''[as Willie/Mom]'' Sorry, son; no waffles! ''[makes whistling noise]'' ==== The Home Economics Story (short) ==== :''[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]'' :'''Joel''': Iowa State College: The high school ''after'' high school! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]'' :'''Joel [as Principal]''': ''Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.'' :'''Crow [as Principal]''': Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen? :''[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]'' :'''Matronly Woman''': Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know ''very'' well. :'''Servo [as Matronly Woman]''': ...and why I'm being fired. :''[The camera moves to a close-up, showing the woman has significant jowls.]'' :'''Crow [as Matronly Woman]''': I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay is discussing college with her family.]'' :'''Servo''': She consulted Robert McNamara. :'''Joel''': And Ayn Rand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Kay sends her application letter.]'' :'''Narrator''': She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box. :'''Crow''': (chuckles maniacly) :'''Joel''': Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here. :''[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]'' :'''Servo [as Kay]''': It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself! :'''Joel''': It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]'' :'''Crow [as Jean]''': ''[in a [[w:Curly Howard|Curly Howard]] voice] Hi!'' Howya ''doin'?'' We're gonna have a ''great'' time! We're gonna be ''pals''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a costume design class]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Camarillo_Brillo|Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A football game is starting.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next. :'''Joel [as audience member]''': Play "Whipping Post"! :''[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[in marching cadence]'' I'm a [[w:Cotton swab|Q-tip]], what are you! :''[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]''': Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]'' :'''Servo''': Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade. :'''Narrator''': ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How do Pop-Tarts work? :'''Kay''': What are you doing to major in, Helen? :. . . :'''Louise''': What are you going to take, Jean? :'''Joel [as Jean]''': I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got! :. . . :'''Kay''': You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': Because I can't do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]'' :'''Joel [as little girl]''': ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]'' :'''Joel [as announcer]''' ''Home Economics'', starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. :'''Voice Over''': What is "Home Economics"? :'''Crow''': Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's [[w:Abbey_Road|Abbey Road]]. :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]''': [[w:The_Monkees_(TV_series)|''Here we come, walking down the street...'']] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]'' :'''Narrator''': Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all. :'''Servo''': And to re-enact the last scene from ''[[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]]''. ==== The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (movie) ==== === [[w:Star wolf (TV series)|Star Force: Fugitive Alien II]] === :''[as the title appears]'' :'''Servo''': Uh oh, ''Fugitive Alien II: [[w:Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo|Electric Boogaloo]], [[w:Exorcist II: The Heretic|the Heretic]], [[w:Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise|Nerds in Paradise]], [[w:Mannequin Two: On the Move|On the Move]], [[w:Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol|Citizens on Patrol]]''! :'''Joel''' Star Force times two! Two times the action, two times the confusion! :'''Servo''': Baboom! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling ''really'' good! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a ''Fugitive Alien'' sequel, we're in for the two most ''painful'' hours of our lives! ''[Servo begins crying]'' :'''Joel''': Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now. :'''Narrator''': A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star... :'''Servo''': ''[crying]'' We know... :'''Narrator''': ... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part... :'''Crow''': Seen it! :'''Servo''': Taped it! ''[cries more]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus III.]'' :'''Ken''': Hey! Hey! Hey! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ken]''': Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Only one memory of Rita remains: her golden Valnor medallion... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Which Ken hocked for a pack of cigarettes. :'''Narrator''': Ken will never forget her. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Or the Visa bill she ran up, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rocky the Flying Squirrel|Again?]] :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky! :'''Crow''': ''Again?!'' :'''Servo''': That's good, Crow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Yurulin''': Listen to me! I've got something important to tell you! :'''Joel [as Yurulin]''': I'm the [[w:Margaret Brown|Unsinkable Molly Brown]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and Crow shout in horror as Tom explodes in the theater]'' :'''Crow''': IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!! :'''Joel''': Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow! ''[They rush out of the theater]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him! :'''Crow [imitating William Shatner]''': A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- ''[gets slapped in the beak]'' :'''Joel''': Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo! :'''Crow [on Shatner mode]''': But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! ''[breaking character]'' [[w:T.J. Hooker|Hooker's a good cop]]! Whoa! He's a good-- ''[gets slapped in the beak again]'' :'''Joel''': Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance! :'''Crow''': ''[sobs]'' I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated ''Bacchus III'' commander from the beloved ''Fugitive Alien'' series! :'''Crow''': Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately. :'''Servo''': Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks! :'''Joel [as drunk Joe]''': Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of ''Bacchus 3''. Set 'em up, barkeep. :'''Crow''': Flask and travel bar not included. :'''Servo''': Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial. :'''Joel [as drunk Joe]''': Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink! :'''Crow''' Existential void where prohibited. :'''Servo''': Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him. :'''Crow''': Tax and license not included. :'''Servo''': You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe. :'''Joel [as [[w:Ken (doll)|Ken]]]''': Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate! :'''Joel [as [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]]''': Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House! :'''Joel [as [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]]''': Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life. :'''Servo''': And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always... :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': ''[singing]'' Try to kill him with a forklift! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the film's score]'' Weee're headed for adventure! We'll leave Tammy behiiind. Weee're gonna pad out the film some more, and you'll fall asleeep- three four- Weee're climbing the sandy hill, like you really caaare... :'''Joel''': ''[starting to get annoyed]'' That's good... that's plenty. :'''Servo''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Joe''': ''[waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky]'' I'll kill that Rocky. :'''Crow''': Again? :'''Servo''': Oh-hooo, hit him. :... :'''Captain Joe''': ''[calling Rocky]'' Rocky, can you read me? :'''Crow''': Again? :'''Joel''': ... stop it. :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky! :'''Crow''': ''AGAIN?'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' STOP IT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a desert, The Bacchus III crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]'' :'''Crow [as one of the crew]''': Hey, corn... HEY CORN?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Well, that was fun, but if I could get a little serious for a moment. Well, I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in shiny red pleather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there, somewhere... :''[singing]'' What can you see, Flying some mystic seas, Fighting for you and me, Captain Joe and the Gang When they pass by, Fitter than pumpkin pie, Steppin' in liquid dye, Time in the blue, <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bacchus III crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]'' :'''Rocky''': It won't be easy getting into this place. :'''Ken''': How will we do it? :'''Rocky''': Easy. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wha— wait a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ken engages Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders, in an aerial dogfight.]'' :'''Joel''': Where have I seen this before? :'''Servo''': Oh, I don't know; [[w:Star Wars (film)|a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away]]? :'''Crow''': Yeah... :'''Joel''': Yep. === [[w:War of the Colossal Beast|War of the Colossal Beast]] === ==== [[w:Mr. B Natural|Mr. B Natural]] (short) ==== :''[Confused about a name in the opening credits]'' :'''Joel''': What does "A.S.C." mean? :'''Servo''': "A sick cookie". :'''Joel''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the background music in the opening credits]'' :''Come on and buy some crap from us'' :''You know that you want to'' :''And the white race will salute you'' :''As you prance and gad about!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, [[w:bleacher|bleacher]]-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': Boy! Am I glad to see you! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, it's not mutual! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': [[w:Yoda|Knew your father, I did!]] :'''Joel''': Hey, leave my father out of this! :'''Mr. B Natural''': And your grandmother! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the [[w:Garden of Eden|garden]] with [[w:Adam and Eve|Mr. and Mrs. Adam]]! :'''Servo''': Yeah, you were the snake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': The spirit of music's inside all of you. :'''Crow''': No, I bathe. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit) <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]'' :'''Joel [as Jim]''': Got it from the [[w:Franklin Mint|Franklin Mint]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]'' :'''Jeanie''': Wanna come? We could dance! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Buzz]''': Don't hit me! :'''Buzz''': No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay... :'''Jeanie''': But that's not due for two weeks! :'''Buzz''': I know Jeanie... but I... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Buzz]''': ...[[w:John Hinckley, Jr.|I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Buzz]''': ''[in a whiny voice]'' That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an [[w:androgynous|androgynous]] man would come and visit me... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the ''spirit''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, calls for ''Satan''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]'' :'''Buzz''': Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading. :'''Buzz's Mother''': All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...? :'''Crow [as Buzz's Mother]''': ''This'' time, don't make so much noise when you "read." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Buzz's Mother]''': Why does my kid have to be such a dud? ''I'' was popular! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside ''you''! That's ''me'', B Natural! :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' So I'm attracted to ''guys'' now? :''[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]]]''': The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz. :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The glamour of the uniform... :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The thrill of traveling for a band competition... :'''Servo''': The all-night coke jags in cheap motels! :'''Mr. B Natural''': ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Yeah, that's nice... '''MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn! :'''Joel''': Uh, Mr. B, what would ''you'' know about dignity? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, I think [[w:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde]] only ''wished'' he was this gay, you know? :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, ''please'' accept our ''sincere'' apology for ''all'' of this. Please. :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Forget music, I wanna dance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B dances to some music.]'' :'''Crow''': He's so perky... kill her. :'''Servo''': See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]'' :'''Joel [as Buzz]''': ''[in a panicky voice]'' Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[in a midwestern voice]'' Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Honey_West_(TV_series)|''Honey West!'']] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]'' :'''Joel''': Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]'' :'''Servo''': Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet. :'''Crow''': This trumpet is flatlining! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz is performing at a school dance]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the music]'' We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white... :. . . :'''Joel''': Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad. :. . . :'''Crow [as radio host]''': Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour... :. . . :''[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]'' :'''Joel''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel steps in as Crow and Servo are arguing about whether Mr. B Natural was a man or a woman]'' :'''Joel''': Hey hey hey, you guys, take it easy. You're never gonna get anywhere that way; let's just get organized. I'll give you both two minutes to state your case, and then time for a short rebuttal... Okay? :'''Crow, Servo''': Okay. :'''Joel''': All right. Now, standard debate rules, I will act as arbiter... On my mark, begin, Mr. Crow! :'''Crow''': Mr. B Natural was a woman. Of this there can be no doubt. :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' Not a chance, fat bot! :'''Crow''': Hey, c'mon... :'''Joel''': ''[pushes Servo back]'' Hey hey hey! That's one penalty point for Mr. Servo; Mr. Crow, begin again! :'''Crow''': Thank you, commissioner. ''[clears throat]'' We are compelled to look on the "mister" moniker as merely a whimsical, contrived characterization in the spirit of Peter Pan, played convincingly by the late Mary Martin. And the late Cathy Rigby. And the late Sandy Duncan. And the late... :'''Joel''': Get to the point, Mr. Robot! :'''Crow''': The point, sir, is: Breasts. :'''Servo''': D'... Huh? :'''Crow''': Yes! Mr. B Natural had breasts -- a decidedly ''un''-natural thing for a man to have, don't you think, Mr. Servo? :''[Servo laughs nervously]'' :'''Crow''': When one takes into account the short jacket, the shiny leotard, the wide hips, unless one is wildly confused as my colleague seems to be, one concludes -- naturally -- that Mr. B Natural is indeed a wonderful, spritely -- albeit annoying -- woman. :'''Joel''': Thank you, Mr. T. Robot. Your response, Mr. Servo! :'''Servo''': ''[parody of a posh Ivy League accent]'' Uh, thank you, Mr. Utley. Um, uh... Ignoring the aromatic contumely held to me by my less than erudite confrère, um, no doubt places a thin veil before a tribulus(?) temperament... uh... :'''Joel''': ''[interrupting]'' Mr. Servo, I'm warning you: No [[w:William_F._Buckley_Jr.|William F. Buckley]] impersonations under threat of a point reduction! :'''Servo''': ''[normal voice]'' Okay, sorry. ''[clears throat]'' Mr. B Natural! What a guy! Yes, Mr. B Natural is a decidedly modern man. Ignoring the constrictions placed upon him by modern society, Mr. B Natural dresses as he does just as he sees fit. If this means dressing in a shimmering leotard and a powder blue note-spangled jacket, and climbing through the windows of young troubled middle-schoolers to play clarinet with them 'til the wee hours, waking them the next day to whisper in their tender ears, I say more power to him! :'''Joel''': Mr. Servo, you're evading the question! :'''Servo''': If by this, sir, you mean that Mr. B Natural is a man, I challenge you to come up with any condemning evidence to the contrary! They named him Mister, and I for one have faith that they knew what they were doing. You might as well just ask me to prove that a fish is a fish! Gentlemen, it just is! As for these phantom "breasts" Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say phooey-kaflooey. Perhaps he's been in space too long. Gentlemen, Mr. B Natural is just that. Here's wishing we could ''all'' be a little bit more like him. I yield the floor. :'''Joel''': Mr. T. Bo-rot, you have twenty minutes to rebut. :'''Crow''': ''Mr. Servo, you have got to be kidding me!'' Let's assume for the moment that Mr. B Natural ''is'' a man. My heavens, what a confusing message to send to little kids! Already there's the painful feeling of isolation. The horrible scarring acne! And Mr. Servo here would have us place a cross-dressing man with a clarinet slap-dab in their bedrooms! Why not men in Little Bo-Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I for one would not... :'''Joel''': Mr. Servo, your rebuttal! :'''Servo''': Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow? I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ''all'' the barriers! Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards. Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big wo-- :'''Joel''': ''[abruptly ending the debate]'' Uh, gentlemen, I have commecial sign; I'm sorry. ==== War of the Colossal Beast (movie) ==== :''[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Car Occupants]''': ''[singing to "[[w:99 Bottles of Beer|99 Bottles of Beer]]"]'' :: [[One Hundred Years of Solitude|100 years of solitude]], 100 years of solitude! :: Take one down, pass it around, :: 99 years of solitude! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]'' :'''Joyce Manning''': Could this be Glen's? :'''Servo''': No, no, the [[w:Fingerprint#Classifying|whorl pattern]] is completely wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff''': ''[upon discovering a giant footprint]'' Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall. :'''Joyce''': ''Glen'' was sixty feet tall. :'''Crow''': Think there's a connection? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]'' :'''Servo''': That's right, [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert]], spare us nothing. === [[w:The Unearthly|The Unearthly]] === ==== Posture Pals (short) ==== :''[as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]'' :'''Joel''': Avis Films, we try harder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[w:Dragnet|The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]'' :'''Joel''': My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. :'''Crow, Servo''': Hi, Sally. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of the four kids]'' :'''Narrator''': And these four children are especially important about the four things. :'''Joel''': 'Cause they're on the payroll. <hr width="50%"/> :''[talking about the posture contest]'' :'''Narrator''': The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns. :'''Joel''': Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats. :'''Narrator''': Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement. :'''Servo''': Hey, who wouldn't be? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the kids look at their posture drawings]'' :'''Joel''': That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy. :'''Narrator''': But they are not happy with what they see. :'''Servo''': They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing! :'''Narrator''': For Tommy is indeed surprised... :'''Crow [as Tommy]''': No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! :'''Narrator''': ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round. :'''Joel''': He's got VPL. :'''Servo''': Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL! :'''Narrator''': Now Jimmy is disturbed to see... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops! :'''Narrator''': He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Just like his dad on Friday night! :'''Narrator''': And what gives Jane her worried frown? :'''Joel''': Valium? :'''Narrator''': Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree. :'''Servo''': All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here. :'''Narrator''': Our Mary is a happy girl... :'''Servo''': ''(imitates repeated burping)'' :'''Narrator''': ...with hollowed chest and tired head. :'''Crow''': She should jut go home to bed. ''Green Eggs and Ham''. :'''Servo''': Thank you, Sam-I-Am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]'' :'''Narrator''': ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Here, she re-enacts her first [[w:Driving under the influence|DUI]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]'' :'''Narrator''': Doesn't Bombo look tired? :'''Crow''': Yes, very much so. :''[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]'' :'''Joel [as Bombo]''': No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! :''[Servo makes broken spine noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]'' :'''Narrator''': Tommy reminds Jimmy&mdash; :'''Joel''': Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you! :'''Narrator''': &mdash;when Jimmy stands off-balance. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face. :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong! :'''Tom''': Heh-heh... what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test. :''[A silhouette appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, it's [[w: Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]]! :'''Tom''': Yeah, after [[w:Slim Fast|Slim-Fast]]! :''[All sing the [[w:Alfred Hitchcock Presents|Alfred Hitchcock Presents]] theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture. :'''Joel''': And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is voted posture queen]'' :'''Crow''': FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX! :''[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]'' :'''Servo''': Then Mary's head is lit on fire! :'''Narrator''': And the other three children win the other posture crowns. :'''Servo''': Definitely a fix. :'''Narrator''': Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': '''NO!''' :. . . :'''Crow''': Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life. ==== Appreciating Our Parents (short) ==== :''[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]'' :'''Narrator''': Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...in a prison break. :'''Narrator''': ...and now, it's mended as good as new. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Tommy's the [[w:The Lathe of Heaven|Lathe of Heaven]]. ==== The Unearthly (movie) ==== :''[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]) as he reassures new patient Grace.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, John — why the long face, pal? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]'' :'''Sharon''': Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here. :''[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sharon]''': NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]'' :'''Sharon''': Don't you enjoy the doctor's music? :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. : . . . :''[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]'' :'''Crow [as Conway]''': I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Groucho]''': [[Groucho Marx#cant-finish|I can't think of anything else!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]'' :'''Lobo''': Time for go to bed! :'''Joel''': Well said. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]'' :'''Joel''': His story has a better plot than this ''movie''... === [[w:Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]] === [On The Satellite of Love] :'''Crow''': Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song. :'''Joel Robinson''': You wrote a Christmas song? :'''Crow''': Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! :'''Tom Servo''': Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A [[w:Patrick Swayze|Patrick Swayze]] Christmas"? :'''Crow''': Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, [[Road House]]. :'''Servo''': C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas? :'''Crow''': Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay? :'''Joel''': C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon. :'''Crow''': All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot. :'''Joel''': "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"? :'''Crow''': Right. Hit it, Cambot! [music starts] :'''Servo''': Oh. Oh, I start. I get it. Lyrics TOM Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in CROW We'll gather at the Road House With our next of kin JOEL And Santa can be Our regular Saturday Night thing ALL We'll decorate a barstool And gather 'round and sing TOM Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year! CROW Or we'll tear your throat out And kick you in the ear :'''Joel''': Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. :[music stops] :'''Joel''': Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas. :'''Crow''': Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas? :'''Joel''': Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before. :'''Crow''': Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson! '''Tom Servo''': Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. :[music resumes] :'''Tom Servo''': Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful. :'''Crow''': Thank you. TOM It's my way or the highway This Christmas at my bar CROW I'll have to smash your kneecaps if You bastards touch my car JOEL I got the word that Santa has been Stealing from the till ALL I think that that right jolly old elf Better make out his will Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all And this can be the haziest... This can be the laziest... This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all! TOM La la la la la la Ha ha! :'''Crow''': How long before it becomes a standard? :'''Joel''': I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon! :[Joel drags Crow out] :'''Tom Servo''': We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh. :''[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I wanna decide who lives and who dies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]'' :'''Crow [as TV Announcer]''':For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar ([[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]]) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]'' :'''Kimar''': Now, go to sleep! :'''Girmar''': Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. :'''Bomar''': I want to see more toys! :'''Kimar''': No, go to sleep! :'''Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]''': Will you [[w:Pia Zadora#Film career|buy me a Golden Globe]], then? :'''Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]''': Why, sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter. :'''Servo''': ''[in nerdy voice]'' You know… if they cancel ''[[w:Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'', I'm gonna kill myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': ''[cheerfully]'' Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]'' :'''Bomar''': The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. :'''Joel [as Santa]''': Don't worry, we'll give them to [[w:Dyslexia|dyslexic kids]]. :. . . :'''Girmar''': Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis racquet! :'''Santa''': Oh, this'll never do! :'''Joel''': ''[as Santa]'' We'll have to sell this stuff to [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Forrester]]''': Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! :'''[[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]]''': Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh… :'''Dr. Forrester''': You… hocked… my… Rolex. :'''TV's Frank''': Yah… :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called ''[[w:Final Exit|Final Exit]]''. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money. :'''TV's Frank''': Heh heh. Oh, Henry! {{hnote|A twisted allusion to O. Henry's ''The Gift of the Magi'', about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.}} === [[w:The Master (American TV series)|Master Ninja I]] === :''[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]'' :'''Sheriff Kyle''': Pull over! This is the sheriff's office! :'''Crow''': ''Office''?! That's a ''car''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Holly Trumball ([[w:Demi Moore|Demi Moore]]) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]'' :'''Holly''': You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you. :'''Max''': I'm going off duty for the day. :'''Holly''': Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand. :'''Joel''': Uh, let [[w:Dennis Miller|Dennis Miller]] do Dennis Miller, Demi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Trumball''': You got a warrant, sheriff? :'''Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]''': Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]'' :'''Okasa''': The old man hired you? :'''McAlister''': I am not for hire. :'''Okasa''': We are all for hire. In dark times... :'''McAlister''': The dark times have gone. :'''Servo''': You guys speaking in [[w:haiku|haiku]] all of a sudden??? Whoa! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]'' :'''Max''': Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja. :'''Servo''': We'll be the judge of that. :'''Crow [as TV announcer]''': Chevy Van: A [[w:Quinn Martin|Quinn Martin]] production. :'''Max''': We're being followed! :'''Servo [as McAllister]''': Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie! :''[The van makes a sharp left.]'' :'''Crow [as McAllister]''': Quick! Take a turn here on [[w:Steven J. Cannell|Steven J. Cannell]] Boulevard! :'''Max''': Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises. :'''Crow''': Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that '''Master Ninja''', rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called '''The Master'''.''}} :. . . :''[Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBER! :''[Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBERRRRRR! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, ninjas never had those. :'''Servo [as Okasa]''': Damn. He knows [[w:Doug Henning|Doug Henning]]. :'''Max''': You all right? :'''Joel [as McAllister]''': I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop. === [[w:The Castle of Fu Manchu|The Castle of Fu Manchu]] === :'''Crow''': Staring contest on the left. Check it out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': ''This is Fu Manchu.''<br> :'''Crow''' ['''As Fu Manchu''']: And you're ''not''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice... :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a refrigerator. :'''Fu Manchu''': And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril. :'''Joel''': Kinda like a Corvair, huh? :'''Fu Manchu''': In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete. :'''Servo [as Fu Manchu]''': But first, this word from Maxwell House. :''[footage of the [[w:RMS Titanic|Titanic]] is shown]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, they stole this from a [[w:A Night to Remember (1958 film)|Titanic movie]]. Look. :... :''[the ship hits the iceberg]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Lucille Ball|Lucy]] must be around here somewhere. [[w:I Love Lucy|"Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"]] :... :'''Crow''': ''[as the passengers panic]'' [[w:Monty Python's Flying Circus|Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.]] :... :''[as the ship continues to sink]'' :'''Crow''': And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, ''[[w:The Poseidon Adventure (1972 film)|The Poseidon Adventure]]. :'''Servo''': ''[in a gurgled voice]'' [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"]] :... :''[as the ship finishes sinking]'' :'''Servo''': ''[in a gurgled voice]'' [[w:The Morning After (Maureen McGovern song)|There's got to be a morning after...]] And there she goes! Yay! :'''Crow''': Well, that made no sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Castle of Fu Manchu; where you [[w:White Castle (restaurant)|eat square hamburgers]] with chopsticks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on]'' '''I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~''' :'''Crow''': C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Petrie''': Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come. :'''Joel [as Kessler]''': Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers- :'''Servo''': Joel, no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': This is Fu Manchu... :'''Servo [as Fu Manchu]''': And I'm an alcoholic. :'''Joel''': Hi Fu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio)'' Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! ''(breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)'' :'''Crow''': Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man! :'''Joel''': Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully. :'''Servo''': ''(while still crying)'' I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!! :'''Crow''': I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie? :'''Joel''': Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man. :'''Servo''': You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? ''(sobs uncontrollably)'' :'''Crow''': Better you than me! :'''Joel''': Oh, Crow, c'mon... ''(addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust)'' Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank)'' You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Fu Manchu reveals an unconscious man he wants Dr. Kessler to operate on]'' :'''Dr. Kessler''': What's wrong with that man? :'''Crow''': Nothing at all! :'''Fu Manchu''': There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition. :'''Servo''': I'll say. :'''Fu Manchu''': And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell. :'''Joel''': Bong! :'''Fu Manchu''': Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart? :'''Joel [as Kessler]''' ''[flustered]'' Uh, if it comes with that beefy chest! :'''Dr. Kessler''': But that man is not dead or dying! :'''Crow''': [[w:The Princess Bride (film)|He's only ''mostly'' dead!]] :'''Fu Manchu''': ... he will die, for the sake of science. :'''Dr. Kessler''': And for your sake also. :'''Fu Manchu''': I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent. :'''Servo''': I wish this '''MOVIE''' WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What's the deal with Fu Manchu, anyway? It's not like he's really evil; he's just dull! He's like some twisted beauracrat in silk jammies! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''(after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying)'' Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(mockingly)'' '''[[The Wizard of Oz|Auntie Em, Auntie Em!]]''' <hr width="50%"/> ''(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)'' :'''Servo''': Oh... King's on his throne. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie)'' Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now. :'''Joel''': [[It's a Wonderful Life|You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others.]] Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime! :'''Dr. Forrester''': You're sounding like a [[w:Hallmark Cards, Inc.|Hallmark card]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': ''(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene)'' You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(angrily)'' Frank! :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': Gotcha! === [[w:The Master (American TV series)|Master Ninja II]] === :''[After Max tries and fails to flirt with a girl and she walks away]'' :'''McAlister''': I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you. :'''Servo''': Usually they run away screaming. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]'' :'''Max''': I'm here. Are you? :'''Carrie''': Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day. :'''Max''': I hear ya. [''The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.''] :'''Servo [as Carrie]''': You're a wry wit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]'' :'''Joel''': You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten. == Season 4 == === [[w:Marooned (1969 film)|Space Travelers]] === :''[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]'' :'''Crow''': Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much. === [[w:The Giant Gila Monster|The Giant Gila Monster]] === :'''Joel''': Hey Gypsy, come here! ''[Gypsy starts to appear from underneath Joel]'' :'''Joel''': Gypsy, no! It's too small! :''[Everyone including Gypsy screams as she inadvertently knocks everyone down, including the entire Malt Shop.]'' :'''Gypsy''': These two, nothing but trouble... Back after this. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's title appears on the screen]'' :'''Joel, Crow & Servo''': ''[singing to tune of [[w:Hava Nagila|Hava Nagila]]]'': Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]'' :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's why the Deuteronomy's so long. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Gila Monster]''': And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]'' :'''Servo [as [[Apocalypse Now|Colonel Kurtz]]]''': The horror! The horror! :''[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, they killed off the only likeable character! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]'' :'''Chase''': Two twenties! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That makes thirty dollars! === [[w:City Limits (1985 film)|City Limits]] === :'''TV's Frank''': It's none other than British pop star, [[Morrissey]]!... He's a little depressed. :''[Frank turns to Morrissey]'' :'''TV's Frank''': So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'? :'''Morrissey''': ''[turns to Dr. Forrester]'' He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried? :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing. :'''Morrissey''': Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morrissey''': This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": ''I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have wept for hours...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Woody and Yogi ([[w:Rae Dawn Chong|Rae Dawn Chong]]), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]'' :'''Woody''': I lost a tooth. :'''Servo [as Yogi]''': Oh Jeez, I told you to floss! :''[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]'' :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up. :'''Joel''': This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny. :'''Servo''': He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]'' :'''Sammy''': It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good! :'''Joel''': Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]'' :'''Servo''': No acting beyond this point. Not allowed. :'''Crow''': The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it ''does'' say that [[w:Boy George|Boy George]] rides in flinging molotov cocktails. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]'' :'''Mick''': You're nothin'. :'''Joel [as Woody]''': Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head. :'''Mick''': I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but— :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Nope. Pretty much squat there, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mick''': We ain't stupid. :'''Bolo''': Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick. :'''Crow''': Not on screen anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Austin'' City Limits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Albert ([[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]]) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]'' :'''Servo [as Albert]''': [[w:CNN#CNN in popular culture|This is F.U.N.]] === [[w:Teenagers from Outer Space (film)|Teenagers from Outer Space]] === :''[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:08:16 --> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Wow, really ''old'' teenagers from outer space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:12:40 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to ''torture''! :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''TORCHAA!!'' <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 0:13:37 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': ''We'' have the [[w:Pizza#Types of pizza|supreme pizzas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]'' :'''Thor''': Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall." :'''Crow T. Robot''': You mean a ''day?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:46:37 --> :'''Joel [as Derek/Freddy]''': ''[singing to "[[w:On the Street Where You Live|On the Street Where You Live]]"]'' :: I have often walked down the street before, :: But I've never done it packing heat before… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 1:16:13 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Crow''': Ahh, turn [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]] off! <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 1:26:03 --> :'''Betty''': Where are you from Derek? :'''Joel [as Derek]''': A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me". === [[w:Time Walker|Being from Another Planet]] === :'''TV's Frank''': ''[introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call [[w:Precious Moments, Inc.|Tragic Moments]], panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog]'' Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point. ... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Others in the collection include ''He Raises a Hand in Anger'', ''World's Deadest Grandma'' and ''Dad's Liquid Breakfast''. ... :'''Crow''': ''[as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval]'' You should be locked up for being that evil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is demonstrating his Invention Exchange presentation: a [[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]] impersonation kit]'' :'''Joel''': It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right? :'''Crow''': ''[using the impersonation kit]'' I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not. :'''Joel''': Or you can use it to scare your friends. ''[to Servo]'' Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-'''lance'''? :'''Servo''': ''[using the kit]'' That- would be a decision for '''you''' to make. '''''Choose wisely...''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching the title credit]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[reading over the cast names]'' James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem. :'''Joel''': Sam Chew [Jr]? :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as skelton/[[w:Martha Raye|Martha Raye]]]'' Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter has brought the stolen mummy crystals to a jeweler for appraisal]'' :'''Jeweler''': Worthless. :'''Peter''': Worthless?! :'''Servo [as Jeweler]''': Yeah, your career, that is. :'''Peter''': What do you mean worthless?! :'''Jeweler''': I mean they're not precious. :'''Servo [as Jeweler]''': ''You're'' precious. :'''Peter''': They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man! :'''Jeweler''': Well, who told you that? Some hustler in...? :'''Crow''': I don't read ''Hustler''. :'''Peter''': Forget it! ''[takes the crystals back]'' :'''Servo''': I'm gonna find those strawberries... :'''Peter''': Clown! :'''Joel [as Jeweler]''': Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of hospital]'' :'''Servo''': ...and now, ''[[W:Trapper John, M.D.|Trapper John, M.D.]]''! :'''Crow''': Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to ''[[w:Medical Center (TV series)|Medical Center]]''! :'''Servo''': Yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during a radio show]'' :'''Linda''': And now, a special message for those ''naughty'' boys and girls who took the institute's mummy. Here's my in-studio guest, our own Professor Douglas McCadden. :'''Crow''': Wow, hot show. :'''Douglas''': Thank you very much, Linda. To whom it may concern... :'''Crow''': ''[as Douglas]'' '''GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, YOU SONS OF-!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Linda Flores (portrayed by [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]]) is shown working as a university radio disc jockey]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Linda]'' Now here's [[w:Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)|The Banana Boat Song]] by a little someone I'd like to call [[w:Harry Belafonte|Dad]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[the mummy reappears on-screen]'' Oh no; it's that thing again! The thing that's grinding the plot to nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill has been stood up by a woman at a fraternity party]'' :'''Bill''': Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! ''[is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]'' :'''Crow [as a girl]''': Oh, a priest? We love priests! :'''Joel [as a girl]''': ''[seductively]'' Forgive me, Father, for I have ''sinned!'' :'''Crow [as a girl]''': Oooh, I'm ''about'' to. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the scientists rushes to claim a stray crystal for the mummy's (actually a space alien's) device that got left behind]'' :'''Servo''': Big mistake. :''[the scientist's hand starts to corrode from a flesh-eating virus from the crystal as he cries out in agony]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:M&Ms|They're not supposed to melt your hand]]. :'''Servo''': Hate that; the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[over the credits]'' You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here. :'''Joel''': Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy? :'''Servo''': Worse (than that), worse. :'''Crow''': What about Sidehackers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Cave Dwellers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Crow''': Catalina Caper? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Pod People? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Hellcats? :'''Servo''': Oh, worse. :'''Joel''': Daddy-O? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Rocket Attack USA? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Earth vs. the Spider? :'''Servo''': Definitely worse. :'''Crow''': Ring of Terror? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Joel''': It Conquered the World? :'''Servo''': Uh... yeah, worse! ''[Some time later]'' :'''Joel''': The Manchingo Coniglium? :'''Servo''': ''[uncertain]'' Oh, huh? :'''Crow''': Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better! :'''Servo''': [This movie]'s a ton worse. ''[even later still]'' :'''Crow''': How about The Castle of Fu Manchu? :'''Servo''': Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was ''just as bad'', but we've never done a '''worse''' film! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester jams Frank's Thighmaster through his head as punishment for letting himself be goaded into yet again nearly freeing Joel and the bots]'' :'''Frank''': I may not have been born with a lobotomy, but now I can look like I was. ''[collapses onto the button to end the experiment]'' === [[w:Attack of the Giant Leeches|Attack of the Giant Leeches]] === :''[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]'' :'''Clown #1''': Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower? :'''Servo''': Yes, about a ''kajillion times!'' :'''Clown #1''': Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash? :''[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]'' :'''Joel''': Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll? :''[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]'' :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Clown #1]'' Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!! :'''Crow''': Joel, this is getting too weird; you gotta do something! :'''Joel''': I'm working on it! :'''Magic Voice''': Joel, Do something! I hate these clowns, and I don't even exist! :'''Clown #1''': Joel Robinson! Don't you do that! Don't you do that! :'''Joel''': ''[to the Clowns]'' I have to do it! I HAVE to do it! ''[Joel finally manages to turn off the screaming deranged clowns from the hexfield viewscreen, thus putting them out of their misery.]'' ==== [[w:Undersea Kingdom|Undersea Kingdom]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]'' :'''Doctor #1''': Fine chap. I wish we had more like him! :'''Crow [as Doctor #2]''': Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is! :'''Doctor #2''': He'll make a fine Naval officer. :'''Servo''': He'll make several of them! ==== Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) ==== :''[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, Mommy! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:Honey West|Honey West]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match. === [[w:The Killer Shrews|The Killer Shrews]] === :''[it's Present Day for the Bots]'' :'''Gypsy''': What did I get? :'''Crow''': Oh, Gypsy, you didn't get anything; Joel forgot he even '''had''' a robot named Gypsy! :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Quiet, Crow! You want to ruin Present Day by being naughty?! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[later on]'' What did I get? Me next! :'''Joel''': I saved the best for last- I got you... dress slacks from J.C. Penney. :'''Crow''': ''[dumbfounded]'' ...Oh. :'''Joel''': Oh, come on, it's a great gift; you can wear it for dressy or casual... I'm gonna have to get you a nice polo top though... :'''Crow''': ''[crestfallen as the other Bots laugh at him]'' Thank you for the pants... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Your movie for today's experiment makes even ''me'' sick—and I liked ''[[w:Morgan Stewart's Coming Home|Morgan Stewart's Coming Home]]''. It's called "The Killer Shrews", and it stars James Best from ''[[The Dukes of Hazzard]]'', so Frank is excited about it. :'''TV's Frank''': Hey, it was my favorite show; what can I say? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank has a nasty stomachache from drinking the excessively sugary "Killer Shrew" shake]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Here, Frank, drink this. ''[hands Frank a flask]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Thank you; what is it anyway? :'''Dr. Forrester''': An ipecac. ''[Frank starts spewing as he hits the button to end the experiment]'' ==== Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) ==== :''[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]'' :'''Narrator''': Junior Rodeo Daredevils. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Smothered in gravy—Texas style! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator:''' Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em. :'''Crow:''' Hey, kids, you ever read ''[[w:The Ox-Bow Incident (novel)|The Ox-Bow Incident]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': All nine of 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]''': And the crowd goes wild! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[dully]'' [[w:Tom Slick (cartoon)|Yay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a successful cattle roping]'' :'''Narrator''': Eight seconds. :'''Joel [as the boy]''': Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle. :'''Joel [as the rider]''': ''I ammmmmmmmm!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the kids walks off after being thrown off his horse]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as boy, indignantly]'' Go ahead; strip me of my dignity at age four! What are you all looking at?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy Slater is handing out trophies and participation medals to the kids, momentarily shaking hands with one girl]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Billy Slater]'' I loved you in [[The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Parent Trap]], [[w:Hayley Mills|by the way]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater. :'''Joel''': It's sad, really. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of ''[[w:Home on the Range|Home on the Range]]'']'' ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!! ==== The Killer Shrews (movie) ==== :''[The narrator describes the voracious [[w:shrew|shrew]].]'' :'''Narrator''': He ''must'' eat his own body weight every few hours… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …[[w:Slim Fast#Marketing|plus a delicious shake]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]'' :'''Sherman''': Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here! :'''Crow [as Sherman]''': These things make everything look bigger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Sherman]''': I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the [[w:Satellite of Love|SOL]].]'' :'''Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! :: Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! :: He comes out at night to give you a fright. :: Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! :: Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! :: He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. :: He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]'' :'''Servo''': Puppies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the group walks further into the woods to go out on their own]'' :'''Servo''': ''[in a sing-song tone]'' You're gonna die from shrew bites; you're gonna die from shrew bites! Shrew bites, shrew bites~! === [[w:Hercules Unchained|Hercules Unchained]] === :''[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Hardly ''any'' animals were hurt in the making of this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': [''singing''] Last nIIIIIIIGHT! ''[bashes her face into the harp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ulysses]''': I'm cuckoo for [[w:Cocoa Puffs|Cocoa Puffs]]! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Kennedy family|Kennedys]] ruled Greece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hercules''': I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Uh, that'd be the definition of "sleepy"! === [[w:Indestructible Man|Indestructible Man]] === :''[the Bots decide to prank Joel by switching their programming around into each other]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[as Magic Voice]'' Commercial sign! Commercial sign; pretty soon! :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Gypsy]'' Loading Richard Basehart remark. Richard Basehart remark in 5, 4, 3... Richard Basehart now. :'''Joel''': Okay; I think I get it now. :'''Servo''': ''[as Crow]'' No, you don't; you've gone crazy! :'''Crow''': ''[as Servo]'' I think you're insane, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel tries to replicate Lon Chaney Jr.'s trademark eye squint, with Cambot zoomed in on Joel's face]'' :'''Servo''': Joel, what are you doing? :'''Joel''': I'm doing an experiment. :'''Crow''': Oh; I thought someone replaced the monitor with a Jack-o-lantern! :'''Joel''': Oh, bite me; it's for- ''[Crow and Servo do just that]'' -Ow! :'''Crow''': What? You said, "bite me". ==== [[w:Undersea Kingdom|Undersea Kingdom]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== :'''Joel''', '''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[singing to the opening credits theme]'' Hey, it's the Undersea Kingdom; for you and for me where the men are in dresses! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [''imitates Billy''] Shut up, Diane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[one faction of the Atlanteans charge through the canyon as their white head-dresses trail behind them]'' :'''Joel''': Hey; it's Jim Henson's [[w:Birth of a Nation|Birth of a Nation]] [[w:Muppet Babies (1984 TV series)|Babies]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Atlanteans charge down a hill as the short ends]'' :'''Joel''': Oh; big hill, everybody! :''[the screen abruptly flashes to a title card for the next episode]''{{hnote|They never did get to any future episodes of the serial.}} :'''Servo''': Well, whaddaya know? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the S.o.L. gang hold a parade based around the Undersea Kingdom short]'' :'''Crow''': ''[narrating as Allen Thick, as Tom Servo floats by as a parade float]'' And here's a perennial favorite: the lovable Tom Servo from TV's Mystery Science Theater 3000; he portrays Dr. Norton's submarine from- :'''Joel''': -The Undersea Kingdom! Did you know it took 18 seamstresses working around the clock for three months to bring the plucky little bot to life? :'''Gypsy''': ''[as the parade Grand Marshall]'' [[w:F-Troop|It is balloon]]! :'''Joel''': And Tom is filled with over 15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen. :'''Crow''': I think you mean helium. ==== Indestructible Man (movie) ==== :''[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]'' :'''Joel''': Only millions of Christians. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]'' :'''Joel''': He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's. :'''Crow [as Chaney]''': Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Lon Chaney]'' Man; I gotta take an indestructible whiz. . . . :'''Joel''': ''[later, over a scene of a police car]'' Officers, be on the lookout for donuts! :'''Servo''': Joel, those donut jokes are starting to get old real fast. :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' Oh, pardon me, Tom "I gotta take an indestructible whiz" Servo... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]'' :'''Servo''': Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Lon Chaney]'' I may be indestructible, but I still hurt inside! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, please. He should quit ''his'' job. Strippers make way more money than cops! === [[w:Hercules Against the Moon Men|Hercules Against the Moon Men]] === :''[Repeated Lines]'' : '''Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank''': DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[TV's Frank gets high from Joel's invention: "Super Freak Out" which consists of him, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy in rock and roll outfits]'' :'''Joel''': What do you think, sirs? :'''Dr. Forrester''': I'm a scientist; I don't ''think'', I '''''observe'''''. :'''TV's Frank [high]''': See me, feel me, touch me! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh great, You've triggered a Freak Out in Frank. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Push the button, Frank. :'''TV's Frank [high]''': I ''am'' the button. ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots sing an ode to pants]'' :'''Joel''': What keeps our legs all warm and hot? :'''All''': Pants! :'''Crow''': What prevents a buffalo shot? :'''All''': Pants! :'''Tom''': [[The Wizard of Oz|What do they got that I ain't got?]] :'''Joel''' and '''Crow''': ...Pants. :'''Tom''': [[w:Bert Lahr|Well, you]] [[w:The Cowardly Lion|can say that again...]] Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]'' :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of ''me'' all day long! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two soldiers walk down a hallway]'' :'''Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]''': [[w:Little Caesars|Pizza, pizza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Queen of the Moon Men reverts back to a corpse thanks to Hercules interrupting the resurrection ceremony.]'' :'''Joel''': This film has ''aged'' me... :'''Crow''': I know how she feels. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Princess]''': Herc, you gonna help us move? :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs me my life. :'''Hercules''': Now see them both safely back to the city. :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs you my life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]'' :'''Joel''': It's the [[w:Monsters of Rock|Monsters of Rock]] Tour! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Don't let him get you over his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of barren moonscape]'' :'''Servo''': We seem to be in some sort of [[w:Limbo|Limbo]] zone. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]? :'''Joel''': No, that would be more like [[w:Hell|Hell]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Wanna get ''stoned''? ''[pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]'' :'''Crow [as Bob Dylan]''': [[w:Rainy Day Women #12 & 35|Everybody must get stoned!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? :'''Gypsy''': No way... :'''Crow''': Not Richard Basehart! :'''Gypsy [upset]''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! JOOOOOEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!''' '' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper]'' Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...? :'''Crow''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' It's really not that good! :'''Joel''': Come with me, mister! ''[grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]'' :'''Crow''': AAAAAAGH! === [[w:The Magic Sword (1962)|The Magic Sword]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]], your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of [[w:Bert I Gordon|Bert I Gordon]]. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring [[w:sword and sorcery|sword and sorcery]], Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed [[w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The knights face an ogre.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]], no! <hr width="50%"/> :''[George fights a two-headed dragon.]'' :'''Joel''': Lighten up, they’re just puppets! :'''Crow''': Hey... :'''Joel''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]'' :'''Crow''': I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel,Servo and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT! :'''Tom Servo''': EEAUGHHH! :'''Crow''': ''[continues singing, ignoring Servo]'' She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED! === [[w:Hercules and the Conquest of Atlantis|Hercules and the Captive Women]] === :''[the movie opens proper with a map of the Greek city of Thebes]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Bonanza|Bonanza]]! :'''Servo''': And if that map burns, it'll be a [[w:Greece|Greece]] [[w:Class B fire|fire]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gypsy makes a rare theater appearance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting! :'''Joel''': ''[trying to hide his amusement]'' Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie. :'''Gypsy''': ''[catching herself]'' Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' All right, Gypsy! Good one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[during a scene where Androcles speaks with Hercules and his Council in Thebes; to Joel and the others]'' Hey, you guys; I just remembered, I have a million things to do. :'''Joel''': Gypsy, you can't leave! You were the one that wanted to sit through the whole experiment! :'''Gypsy''': ''[uneasy]'' That was before... I knew... and then there were these things, and now I have to go do them. :'''Crow''': Well, Gypsy, if you can't stand the heat- :'''Joel''': That's okay, Gypsy, run along; it's really fine. ''[Gypsy leaves the theater as the film continues; aside to the bots]'' She did her best. I don't want you guys making fun of- :'''Crow''': ''[shushes Joel]'' Watch the movie, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[recurring, as Timoteo]'' [[Dirty Harry|I have my rights; I have my rights! It was Harry Callaghan!!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank demonstrates a hybrid lawnmower/baby pram and nearly jostles one of the babies in the Deep 13 daycare]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[horrified]'' Frank! You could've hurt baby Melvin! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Princess Ismene is introduced; delirious and shackled behind an enchanted section of wall rock]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Say; are you a captive woman? :'''Ismene''': ''[wearily]'' Kill me... :'''Joel''': ''[as Ismene]'' ...with kindness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Hercules and shape-shifting Proteus fight, the latter god turns into a lion, growling]'' :'''Crow''': Kitty! :'''Servo''': Suddenly it's a [[w:Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer|MGM]] film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Proteus, turning back into his lizard monster form]'' I'm back; I'll be your tour guide through Hell! Ha ha! :'''Joel''': ''[as Servo imitates the lizard yipping]'' [[The Flintstones|Dino]]! Steam Dragon; steamin' mad at Herc! :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Dragon|Daryl Dragon]]. :'''Joel''': ''[as Ismene]'' I love it when men and lizards fight over me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of Hercules laughing mirthfully]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, it's [[w:Chaim Topol|Topol]]! :'''Crow''': The smokers' tooth polish? :'''Joel''': No; the hard to work with actor. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hercules''': ''[after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus]'' Oh omnipotent Zeus... :'''Servo''': ''[as an answering machine]'' Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message... :'''Hercules''': ...Hear my plea... :'''Crow''': Not guilty by reason of insanity! :'''Hercules''': If Androcles is still alive- :'''Joel''': ''[sung]'' [[w:In the Year 2525|In the year 3535...]] :'''Hercules''': Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father! :'''Crow''': ''[as Zeus]'' I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ismene''': Today is dedicated to Uranus. :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh? . . . :''[Hercules first confronts Antinea over Ismene's attempted sacrifice to Proteus, and is assailed by Antinea's forces]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Hercules]'' You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my- :'''Joel''': We know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': When in Chicago, visit the coal mine at the museum of Science and Industry on the Lakefront. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of Antinea's soldiers asks for forgiveness after his men were overpowered by Hercules' son Hylas and Timoteo who rescued Ismene]'' :'''Antinea''': You're right; it '''won't''' happen again. :'''Servo''': ''[as Antinea]'' Because you're fired! :'''Crow''': ''[as a pit of acid opens in the floor]'' Not the commode! :'''Joel''': I knew it; death by chocolate. :'''Soldier''': ''[begging]'' No; don't kill me! :'''Servo''': ''[as soldier]'' Don't make me take a bath! :'''Joel''': ''[as the soldier is forced into the pit]'' You can't do that; I have tubes in my ears! You're gonna get in trouble so bad! Whoa! :'''Crow''': It'll kill him, but it'll do wonders for his arthritis. :'''Servo''': ''[as soldier; in the pit gurgling]'' Is it too late to request a last meal? ''[the soldier is soon reduced to corroded skeletal remains]'' :'''Crow''': Another [[w:Jenny Craig (businesswoman)|Jenny Craig]] success story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Atlantis crumbles and citizens die in the climax]'' For Herc, these are just acceptable losses. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo made a Hercules action figure- which seems to have only one action phrase]'' :'''Hercules''': I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. :'''Servo''': Okay, we admit it; our action figure's lame- lame! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' We're failures, Tommy; failures! :'''Joel''': No, don't say that! You put your best foot forward. :'''Servo''': I don't even '''have''' '''''a foot'''''! ''[cries again]'' :'''Joel''': Okay; that's beside the point. You guys tried your very hardest, and because of that, you'll never be failures! ''[pulls Hercules' voice box cord again]'' :'''Hercules''': You're absolutely right, Joel Robinson. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. Goodnight now. ''[Joel faints in shock as the show cuts to commercial]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Antinea is talking with her daughter Ismene about why she sent her away to be sacrificed]'' :'''Antinea''': On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed. :'''Ismene''': Mother, you can't mean- :'''Antinea''': You must die. :'''Crow''': Boy, she's really strict. :'''Ismene''': No... I don't want to die. :'''Servo''': ''[mock crying]'' I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live! :'''Joel''': ''[as Antinea]'' You stop or I'll give you something to cry about. :''[Antinea's guards arrive]'' :'''Antinea''': Take her away. :'''Servo''': ''[as Antinea]'' And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple]'' :'''Servo''': Remember the Alamo! :'''Crow''': Storm the Bastille! :'''Joel''': Give us Barabbas! :'''All''': Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules stumbles upon the slaughtered army of youths outside Antinea's temple]'' :'''All''': ''[as the pile of bodies]'' ''[[Bye Bye Birdie|We love you Conrad, oh yes, we do...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Richard Basehart! :'''Gypsy''': Don't patronize me, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :[''as Atlantis crumbles in the climax''] :'''Queen Antinea''': ''[pleading to a statue of their god Uranus]'' You must protect me, mighty Uranus! :'''Joel''': ''[as Uranus]'' Bite me; I'm a statue. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timoteo''': ''[after Hercules falls asleep following a conversation with Androcles]'' I really would've prefered he hit somebody. :'''Crow''': ''[as Androcles]'' Well, whatever tugs at your bobber, little fella. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the S.O.L. crew celebrate having gotten through (seemingly) the last Hercules movie they were subjected through]'' :'''Servo''': Hercules, wherever you are out there in the ancient Greek Pantheon, I just want to say... bite me! === [[w:Manhunt in Space|Manhunt in Space]] === :''[during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Crow]'' Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you. :'''Crow''': Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia? :'''Servo''': No, it's not that. :'''Crow''': Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis? :'''Servo''': No, it's not that. :'''Crow''': Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go? :'''Servo''': No, I'm afraid it's '''far worse''' than ''that''. :'''Crow''': Please, Doc, tell me what it is! :'''Servo''': Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame! :'''Servo''': You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood. :'''Crow''': Oh, Chad... :'''Gypsy''': ''[enters as a nurse]'' You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!! :'''Servo''': My dear, I can explain! :'''Gypsy''': I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- ''[to Crow]'' Hey; nice butt! :''[Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy]'' :'''Servo''': I can comfort you, I can- :'''Joel''': What's going on here? :'''Servo''': Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator! :'''Joel''': No, I'm not! :'''Servo''': Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia! :'''Joel''': You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. ''[Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music]'' Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! ''[unplugs Cambot in irritation]'' '''Who's next?!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical]'' :'''Winky's Mom''': ''[after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house]'' Winky! Telephone! :'''Winky''': ''[flustered]'' Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over! :'''Winky's Mom''': What?! :'''Servo''': ''[shocked]'' Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[after Joel cuts the communication from Winky]'' You think we were a little too hard on him? :'''Joel''': Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do. ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 1 (short) ==== :''[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah, here comes [[w:Nosferatu|Nurse-feratu]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An elderly [[w:Steve Hardy|Dr. Steve Hardy]] appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, he was old even then! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Steve Hardy explains what a hiatus hernia is to a patient]'' The body sees the hernia as a series of ones and zeroes. ==== Manhunt in Space (movie) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots riff over the opening credits, briefly addressing casting director Bill Tinsman]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Tin Man (America song)|Oz never did give nothing to Bill Tinsman, that he didn't already have]]. :'''Crow''': ''[of screenwriter Arthur Hoerl]'' I wanted to '''''hoerl''''' after I read the screenplay. ''[Servo makes fake retching noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! It's the [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|MST3K]] logo! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[aside]'' Uh, you're not supposed to know about that... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, uh... ''[whistles innocently.]''{{hnote|Oh, geez! Tom Servo just broke the 4th Wall!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky expresses concern for Vena after she hasn't contacted the Ranger team back, while Winky lounges back with a magazine]'' :'''Winky''': Vena's just still on her vacation; as for me, just let me relax with my little black book and the gay nightlife. :'''Joel''': ''[briefly taken aback]'' Ah; insert joke here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky Jones and Bobby are discussing the Cold Light technology they plan to use on their journey]'' :'''Rocky''': So you already know from the Professor. :'''Bobby''': Yes, we discussed it; and I offered him my opinion on it. :'''Rocky''': I'm sure he appreciated that. :'''Bobby''': Cold Light should never be used indiscriminately; the gamma rays would be fatal to anyone near it. :'''Servo''': ''[aside]'' Remember that, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while tag-along kid Space Ranger Bobby is on-screen with Rocky and the others]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Bobby, disgruntled]'' One day, all of you space losers are going to be working for '''''me''''', and I mean it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[of Queen Cleolanta]'' Oh; she's angry when she's beautiful! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the evil Queen Cleolanta requests to her subordinate Atlasan to enter the Prah star system to confront Rocky herself]'' :'''Atlasan''': If that is what you wish, your Highness... :'''Queen Cleolanta''': No; it is what I '''''command'''''. :'''Crow''': And we know what weight that carries. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Winky makes a snide remark regarding Vena making him a midnight snack]'' :'''Crow''': Winky thinks it's good to boss around women. He wants it to stay like the 50s forever! :'''Servo''': ''[as Winky]'' I think she likes me! === [[w:Tormented (1960 film)|Tormented]] === :''[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]'' :'''Vi''': Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me! :'''Crow''': Bingo! : . . . :''[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]'' :'''Vi''': Help me! Please, Tom, help me! :'''Servo [as Tom Stewart]''': What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye. :'''Vi''': Save me, Tom, please! :'''Joel''': Well, that's what she gets for railing against him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad. :'''Servo''': Somebody ''kelp'' me! Ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]'' :'''Tom''': Meg's mad at me. :'''Sandy''': She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me! :'''Tom''': O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life. :'''Joel''': Put her down, [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis#Scandal|Jerry Lee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vi''': ''[as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer]'' I told you already- no-one will ever have you but '''me'''! :'''Tom''': Stop it, Vi! :'''Vi''': Try me... ''[starts shouting]'' TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME! :'''Joel''': ''[as Vi]'' Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody! :'''Servo''': ''[as Vi]'' Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in! :''[Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Tom]'' Let's go bowling. ''[drops the sack down the steps of their building]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Vi, tumbling down the steps]'' T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[exorting demands from Joel, who's hanging from the air ducts and begging for help]'' I wanna be taller than you, and more popular. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, Tom, Crow, do you guys want to--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ''[She sees their disembodied heads and leaves screaming in horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey you guys? What in the world happened over there? I saw Gypsy running away like she'd seen a ghost or something. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]'' :'''Joel''': It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace! :'''Servo''': Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... [[w:Neil Young|Neil Young]]! === [[w:The Beatniks (film)|The Beatniks]] === :''[Joel is aggressively playing Rock Paper Scissors with the bots]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Joel, I hope you're not playing too tough with those two. :'''Joel''': No, ma'am! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[rushes in with a furious shriek and rams Joel]'' '''''GYPSY CRUSHES JOEL! MY BABIES!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him]'' My achin' noggin... :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins! :'''Joel''': Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning! :'''Servo''': Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse! :'''Crow''': Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there. :'''Gypsy''': Enough, you three! [[w:Freebie_and_the_Bean|Freebie and the Bean are calling.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank demonstrate their Good Luck Troll costumes, as Frank protests]'' :'''Frank''': Can we just get on with this, please? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Shut up, Frank; or I'll let the dog play with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is ''dickweed'' a swear word? :'''Joel/Servo''': ''[at the same time]'' No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no. :'''Servo''': Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed." :''[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]'' :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': Where'd she go man, where'd she go?! :'''Joel''': Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy! :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': I did it for you, Eddie! :'''Joel''': Oh great, he's on moon mode again... :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you! :'''Servo''': That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of. :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': That's it, That's it! ''[Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table]'' ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 2 (short) ==== :'''Ken''': Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]''': Yeah, he's [[w:Harvey (film)|a big rabbit]], you see, there... <hr width=50%> :''[the short opens with a cake decorated with the word "Congratulations"]'' :'''Joel''': Congratulations, you're one second into the film! :'''Crow''': Oh no! The plaster's coming off! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies. :'''Joel''': Booze takes a dull party and makes it better! :'''Tom Servo''': Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds. :'''All singing in unison''': B-double O-Z-E, booze! ''[Crow hiccups]'' ==== The Beatniks (movie) ==== :''[as Eddie and the others rob a shopkeeper at the start of the film]'' :'''Shopkeeper''': Don't you ever rob anybody else?! :'''Eddie''': Sure; but we like you! :'''Joel''': ''[as Iris, sitting in the getaway car]'' I thought they liked me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Moony''': Hey, I'm no leader. Leaders always got too much on their minds, man! There's just one thing on my mind; one thing. ''[makes a cracking noise and laughs]'' :'''Crow''': I don't get you. Must be some weird conceptual thing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eddie''': ''[singing]'' ''Leather coat... :'''Servo''': ...Dish of ice cream! :'''Eddie''': ''...duck-bill hair.'' :'''Crow''': ''[as café patron]'' Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here! :'''Eddie''': ''Call me wild...'' :'''Joel''': ...Oscar Wilde! :'''Eddie''': ''...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Eddie''': ''[singing]'' ''Anything...'' :'''Joel''': ...Is better than this ''crap!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Moony''': ''I'' killed that fat Barkeep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddie''': ''[recurring line]'' Shut up, Iris. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moony''': I'm gonna '''''moon''''' you!! :'''Crow''': ''[as Moony]'' Y'know, hang my butt out! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Then we can ride [[w:Yoshi|Yoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom]]. === [[w:Fire Maidens from Outer Space|Fire Maidens of Outer Space]] === <div id="CrowSyndrome-FMoOS"> :''[An example of [[w:Crow T. Robot#Crow Syndrome|Crow Syndrome]].]'' <!-- ADDED TO SUPPORT WP Crow T. Robot ARTICLE --> :'''Joel''': Well, anyway, with [[w:double entendre|double entendre]], you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — does this ''TV'' have a ''remote''? Mmmmm!" :'''Servo''': Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — check out the arms on ''this'' jumpsuit!" Right? :'''Joel''': Oh, right on! Woo-hoo! :'''Servo''': All right, yeah! :'''Joel''': ''[suggestively]'' "As far as ''I'' know, Lincoln's not President any''more''!" :'''Servo''': Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ''[suggestively]'' "She came back from the ''store'' with a bag of apples, and a ''loaf'' of ''bread''!" :'''Joel''': Mmm-mmm-mmm! :'''Crow''': I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—" :'''Joel''': Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the dark robot Timmy first appears after Joel and the bots leave the room for first Commercial Sign]'' :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Timmy snarls and attacks Cambot]'' Who are you?! What are you doing here; keep away! '''''Cambot; look out!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''', '''Servo''', '''Crow''' (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as one of the astronauts shoots the monster and it lets out a pained monstrous groan]'' Oh; [it's] [[Frankenstein (1931 film)|Frankenstein]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I question the relevance of this scene. :'''Servo''': I question the relevance of '''''every''''' scene. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the specter-like robot Timmy has trapped Servo in a cocoon on the bridge, while Joel arrives with a broom to hold Timmy back as he attacks Crow]'' :'''Joel''': ''[[Aliens (film)|Let go of him, you bitch]]''! </div> === [[w:Crash of Moons|Crash of Moons]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''':Oh, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you! :'''Gypsy''': Really? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And I know I'd love you, too, if only we could-- :'''Crow''': Why, you haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for! Isn't that right, Gypsy? :'''Gypsy''': I can't decide. :'''Crow''': Can't decide? Well maybe this will help. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of "Gypsy Moons", Joel gets annoyed with Crow starting to sing bawdy lyrics and clamps Crow's mouth down]'' :'''Joel''': Stop! Stop! We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And now here's our own Al "Jazzbeaux" Collins with a message. Never again you guys. That's it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! I KNEW YOU SENT A BANNER-GRAM! FRANK, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! :'''TV's Frank''': Hey, someone sent us a Banner-Gram! :'''Bavaro''': Boopie! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[screams as screen cuts to black]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Hi, Bavaro. ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 3 (short) ==== :''[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]'' :'''Phil''': And you choose to make a life with Ken? :'''Cynthia''': Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cynthia]''': Sure, [[w:Ken (doll)|Ken]]'s not anatomically correct, but… ==== Crash of Moons (movie) ==== :''[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]'' :'''Rocky''': ''[cadence-calling]'' Hup, 2, 3, 4! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Rocky]''': We are in a crappy film… :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Men]''': We are in a crappy film… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]'' :'''Rocky''': They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon. :'''Cleolanta''': They will tell ''me'' where to take ''my'' people?! :'''Rocky''': No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise. :'''Joel, Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:I Only Have Eyes For You|For yooooou!]] === [[w:The Eye Creatures|Attack of the the Eye Creatures]] === :''[Upon seeing the misspelling in the film's title]'' :'''Joel''': ''Attack of the '''the''' Eye Creatures''? What, did [[w:Mel Tillis|Mel Tillis]] write these titles? <hr width="50%"/> :''[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]'' :'''Air Force Officer''': Now take off! :'''Joel''':[[w:Bob and Doug McKenzie|...to the great White North!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harold's Girlfriend''': Ooh, Harold! :'''Servo [as Harold]''': [[Harold and Maude|Ooh, Maude!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Susan''': What if we turned ourselves in to the police? :'''Servo [as Stan]''': Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' I've got Sammy Davis eyes! ''[a la [[w:Rip Taylor|Rip Taylor]]]'' I've got a million of them! Literally! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]'' :'''Joel''': Now why doesn't that work with relatives? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]'' <!-- PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE THE FOLLOWING QUOTE GROUP, AS IT IS REFERENCED IN Wikipedia article "The Eye Creatures". --> :'''Crow''': The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having ''no'' spoken language and ''no particular powers'' with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs. : . . . :'''Joel''': Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. : . . . :'''Crow''': If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply ''draped casually over his shoulders'' and should be no trouble to knock off! ''[...]'' Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his ''Jack Purcell athletic shoes!'' Folks, they just did not care! === [[w:The Rebel Set|The Rebel Set]] === :'''Servo''': ''[in terror as Joel reads [[w:H. Jackson Brown, Jr.|Life's Little Instruction Book]] to him and Crow]'' [[Apocalypse Now|The humor; the humor!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[slowly]'' "A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?" :'''Joel''': Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be: according to Merritt Stone. :'''Servo''': ''[offscreen]'' HE'S NOT MERRITT STONE! ==== Johnny at the Fair (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny's car rolled and burned. :'''Narrator''': There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India. :'''Joel''': Simulated culture like [[w:Walt Disney World|Disney World]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': "No, Johnny," says Mom, "we're going to the art gallery." :'''Servo [as Mom]''': And you'll ''like'' it! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': No! I don't wanna go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Besides, the [[w:Seattle Mariners|Mariners]] are playing, so who cares? :'''Narrator''': Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, [[w:Joe Louis|Joe Louis]]. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny is watching a performing horse show, as the judges' winning pick and her foal trot around]'' :'''Servo''': And Johnny transmogrifies; he's a shapeshifter! And he breaks the Fourth Seal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland". :'''Joel''': Oh, we've all been there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny is shown walking around the fairgrounds]'' :'''Servo''': Johnny feels dark hands pressing him onward; the voices in his head get meaner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]'' :'''Joel''': Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]'' :'''Narrator''': Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]'' :'''Narrator''': "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!" :'''Servo''': What? :'''Narrator''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Visions of the [[w:Mekong Delta|Mekong Delta]] flash before Johnny's eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Champion figure skater [[w:Barbara Ann Scott|Barbara Ann Scott]] gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Narrator''': Johnny ''does'' find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny thinks [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]] seems like a nice lady. ==== The Rebel Set (movie) ==== :'''John Mapes''': ''[introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl]'' Look, Kate, I am a gentleman. :'''"Kate"''': ''That I'll try.'' :'''Crow''': ''[disgusted]'' Oh, great; another oily unlikable character! :'''John Mapes''': I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again! :'''"Kate"''': ''So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman.'' :'''Servo''': It's Ms. Hathaway! :'''"Kate"''': ''And if no gentleman, why then no arm?'' :'''John Mapes''': A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books! :'''"Kate"''': ''Ha-ha, what is your crest?'' ''[loops]'' ''A coxcomb? A coxcomb?'' :'''Servo''': ''[alongside the loop]'' A Henry Miller. :'''Joel''': ''[as Mapes shuts off the record]'' Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the character of Leland is introduced on-screen]'' :'''Servo''': You know who that is? I'll give you a hint- ''[[w:The Giant Gila Monster|I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing...]]'' :'''Crow and Joel''': Oh no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Invader''': ''[whilst reciting beat poetry]'' Smell, oh nostrils; hear, oh ears... :'''Cafe Patron's Husband''': ''[sarcastically while clapping]'' Bravo, old Majesty! :'''King Invader''': ''[in a bitterly sardonic tone]'' Thank you, old square... :'''Joel''': Hey, that would be a good phrase to use on someone who's not very hip. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cafe Patron''': ''[to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving]'' King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart. :'''Crow''': ''[as patron]'' My husband's very hip at home! :'''King Invader''': ''[short pause]'' I am bugged...! :'''Joel''': God of facial hair! :'''King Invader''': ...beyond recall! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after thwarting Tucker's double crossing over the ownership of the heist money, John Mapes willingly surrenders to the police, leaving his wife Jeanne behind as the film ends]'' :'''Servo''': So, uh... all this happened because Johnny got lost in the fair? === [[w:The Human Duplicators|The Human Duplicators]] === :''[The title screen displays the title backwards...]'' :'''Crow''': ''Eht Numah Srotacilpud''! :''[...then "duplicates" it normally.]'' :'''Crow''': ...Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gale''': So say something! :'''Crow [as Martin]''': "Something!" :'''Martin''': "Something." :'''Crow''': ''D'oh!'' ...Got riffback on that one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Neat! :''[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. :''[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Do I really look like that? :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:I Sing the Body Electric!|I sing the Body Pathetic!]] Heh. :''[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh… I think you need more toner! :''[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]'' :'''Crow''': Heh heh heh. Heh! ''Hunan'' Duplicators! :'''Joel''': Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? :'''Crow''': Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— :'''Joel''': Oh, that's enough. :'''Crow''': Oh, don't hit me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Welles (played by [[w:Hugh Beaumont|Hugh Beaumont]]) answers his phone.]'' :'''Welles''': Welles here. :'''Crow [as Welles/[[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]]]''': The boys did ''what''? They duplicated Lumpy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]'' :'''Crow [as Welles]''': There's somethin' plastic about that guy... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kolos, played by [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]], "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]'' :'''Servo [as Kolos]''': I'm huge. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]'' :'''Servo [as the Professor, quickly]''': Oh my God, you're huge. === [[w:Monster a Go-Go|Monster a Go-Go]] === ==== Circus on Ice (short) ==== :''[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]'' :'''Joel''': You got your circus on my ice! :'''Crow''': Hey, you got your ice on my circus! :'''Servo''': Two bad things that go worse together! :''[Referencing a [[w:Reese%27s_Peanut_Butter_Cups|Reese's Peanut Butter Cups]] ad campaign.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in response to a clown on screen]'' Woah, seen him in my nightmares... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: These two girls, they make quite a pair. :: They both come from your worst night-mare. :: They will haunt your soul forever, :: And now, ::: When you see pink, ::: You're gonna think, :: "We're doomed". :: They are agents of Satan... :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, stop it, Tom... <hr width='50%'/> :''[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]'' :'''Servo''': We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice! :. . . :'''Narrator''': And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts! :'''Servo''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Uh-''huh...'' :. . . :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune|Prelude to the afternoon of a ''murder'']]. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Child]''': Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... ''[gulps]'' I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home! :'''Servo [as Mother]''': Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's ''fun''! :. . . :'''Joel''': Oh, and she skates over her own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ...and kills them. ==== Monster a Go-Go (movie) ==== :''[Over the film's title]'' :'''Servo''': ''Monster A Go-Go''? I thought this was gonna be ''[[w:Munster Go Home|Munster Go Home]]''! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one. :'''Crow''': Oh, it might not be too bad... :'''Servo''': No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... :'''Crow''': ''[sighs indignantly]'' C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits! :'''Joel''': No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad. :'''Crow''': Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate. :'''Servo''': It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here. :'''Joel''': Yeah, we might as well face up to it... :'''Crow''': Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything ''now'', but... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' The Other Th? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... ''[deflating]'' This is gonna ''suck''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]'' :'''Joel [as Dr. Logan]''': That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]'' :'''Dr. Brent''': Why didn't you tell us then? :'''Dr. Logan''': I don't know. I was trying to help. :'''Servo''': ''[whining]'' I was just trying to help. :'''Dr. Brent''': Help? You've jeopardized this whole project! :'''Dr. Logan''': What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours! :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I'm only a scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster walks towards a group of sunbathing women]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as the monster]'' Hi I'm from the boy's camp across the lake, our backup generator exploded. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in disbelief]'' Unbelievable... :''[Servo bursts out into laughter]'' :'''Dr. Logan''': Hello? ''[A pause]'' Yes? :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I made that phone noise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Connors]''': ''[makes a fart noise]'' What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': "Oops". :'''Narrator''': ..."radiation". :'''Servo''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the ending of the film as the monster seemingly vanishes without a trace]'' :'''Narrator''': As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked; as if some phantom force in the universe made a move eons beyond our comprehension... :'''Servo''': As if we '''''care'''''. === [[w:Sampo (film)|The Day the Earth Froze]] === :''[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': We are ''going'' to get a nice picture of this family if it ''kills'' us. Crow, where are those nice pants I bought you? :'''Crow''': I don't know. :'''Crow''': You can't walk around wearing a sports coat without your nice pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, the light meter, Joel! ''[Joel realizes too late and the photo doesn't turn out well right as he reaches for it.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel:''' Well to be honest, everybody, we don't know what a Sampo is. :'''Crow:''' Not a clue. :'''Servo''': If ''you'' know what a Sampo is, write it on a piece of paper, throw it away and then try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did. :'''All:''' Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Gypsy takes the stage wearing a coat]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Ladies and gentlemen, presenting in her one woman show: Gypsy! :'''Joel''': Here we go! :'''Crow''': Ssshh! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :''[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud]'' :'''Gypsy''': Thank you! Oh, thank you very much. You know, we're all traveling; You, me, that little gold guy over there. We're traveling on the big trip of life, and sometimes it turns out we haven't packed the right clothes for our personal journey. :''[Gypsy takes off her coat, revealing a pink outfit underneath]'' "I've been struggling to make ends meet. The social worker stops by today, but we'll get by, somehow..." Thank you. :''[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud again. Gypsy takes off her pink dress, revealing a golden sparkling outfit.]'' :'''Gypsy''': "I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend! But I'm not going to walk out that door; No sir, I'm going to run out that door!" Thank you, Thank you. :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, is my act interfering with your conversation, buddy? ''[Crow, Joel and Tom laugh heartily]'' You get three guys together, huh? What, some sort of love connection screwup? ''[Crow, Joel and Tom laugh again]'' :'''Joel & Servo''': Yay! :'''Gypsy''': Oh, thank you, thank you. What a night, everybody! But before I go, I want to tell you a little story; A story about a gal who ran the higher functions of a little satellite in a synchronous orbit, A gal that everyone thought was perhaps, a little slow, a little naïve, a little... simple. But let me tell you something about that gal. She has spirit, she had guts! and most of all, she had a huge heart. That gal was on her journey and when her luggage ended up on another planet, that gal picked herself up, dusted herself off and wore the same outfit 2 days in a row. That plucky little gal, is... me! ==== Here Comes the Circus (short) ==== :''[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Heeere'' comes the ''[[w:Devil|Devil]]''! :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Beelzebub|Beezlebub]] the Clown! :'''Joel''': Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals. :''[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]'' :'''Crow''': And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It's [[w:Thomas Edison|Thomas Edison]], with his electric child! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]'' :'''Servo''': Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War. :'''Joel''': Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band? :'''Servo''': Oops. :'''Crow''': Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Whoo! :'''Servo''': Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't '''begin''' to understand! :'''Crow''': [[w:Nazi salute|Sieg heil! Sieg heil]]! :'''Joel''': Okay guys, you're too dark. Would you lighten up? :'''Servo''': How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan. :'''Joel''': That's better. :'''Crow''': It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. ''[chuckles]'' No buttons. :'''Servo''': Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra. :''[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Emmett Kelly. :'''Servo''': That's good. :'''Joel''': No, it really is. :'''Servo''': Whatever, Joel. :''[As Crow hums to the music, a clown with a police outfit and fake beard appears up close to the screen and salutes, causing Joel and the Bots to get startled and yelp. As the narrator is herd speaking inaudibly, another clown with short hair and wearing a hat turn to the camera with a grin; Joel and the bots scream in horror.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Liza Minnelli|Liza]]! :''[A bald clown appears up close to the camera as Joel and the bots clamor in terror from the sight of him.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hellraiser|HELLRAISER!]]! NO!!! :''[The narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]'' :'''Joel''': See? Emmett changed management soon after this. :''[Shot of the crowd cheering]'' :'''Crow [as crowd]''': We love it when he eats! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a trapeze artist swings]'' :'''Joel''': It's a living! :'''Crow''': Mother, please come home! :'''Servo''': Yes, our Betty [[w:Bisexuality|swings both ways]]! :'''Joel''': Oh, stop it! :'''Servo''': She does! Look! :'''Joel''': Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right. :'''Crow''': This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]'' :'''Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]''': Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking! :'''Crow''': Women who love too much and the feet that use them. :'''Servo''': This one's on the rebound. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]'' :'''Crow''': The act was outlawed on several continents! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's [[w:The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat|the man who mistook his wife for a hat]]! :. . . :'''Crow''': Flipped her off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy! :'''Servo''': ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Store this image away for a later nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Old Man]''': I invented that move. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kid]''': Yeah, right. :'''Joel''': Levi's loose fitting clown jeans. :''[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Crow gasps]'' Huh? ''Oh, no! No, no'' — they're doing it ''clown''-style! No! :''[One clown spanks, sweeps and smacks the other's behind with a hand broom.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah! And Madonna thinks ''she's'' innovative! :'''Joel''': Oh, please tell me this isn't happening... Oh, no... :''[They continue to complain and mumble "no" repeatedly as one clown hits the other's behind with their foot and then with a mallet.]'' :'''Crow [as Clown]''': More, more, I'm a ''bad'' clown! Ha ha ha ha! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': High above the crowd, [[w:Dag Hammarskjöld|Dag Hammarskjöld]] takes to the trapeze! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Hank Kimball's brought in. :'''Crow [as Hank Kimball]''': Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A clown rings a bell.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, [[w:C. Everett Koop|C. Everett Kook]]! :''[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]'' :'''Narrator''': Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history! :'''Crow''': [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]'s relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted. :'''Servo [as clown]''': Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo! :'''Joel''': This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen. :'''Servo''': You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play. :'''Joel''': Oh. It's a full contact ''[[w:Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (film)|Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?]]''! :'''Crow [as Richard Burton]''': Don't talk about our clown, Martha. :''[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]'' :'''Crow''': '''KITTIES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As trapeze artists fly through the air]'' :'''Joel''': I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right? :. . . :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today! :'''Servo''': Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing... :'''Crow [as trapeze artist]''': Party in Susan's dressing room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': A rouge elephant snaps its tether and kills a coolie. :'''Servo''': NOW who's getting dark? Hehe, I like it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Joel''': Ah, my favorite part of the circus. ==== The Day the Earth Froze (movie) ==== :''[As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.]'' :'''Narrator''': Long ago, :'''Joel''': ...they're [[w:Golem|Golem.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]'' :'''Servo [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:Surfin' USA|If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...]] :'''Crow [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:California Girls|I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]'' :'''Louhi, the witch''': Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again. :'''Crow''': Can we see the other parts? :'''Servo''': Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]'' :'''Ilmarinen''': With this wool, will I clothe you! :'''Servo [as Ilmarinen]''': With these teeth, will you bite me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]'' :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, the [[w:Black Moses (album)|Swedish Moses of Soul!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Bullwinkle]''': Will somebody please put me out? I seem to be on fire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]'' :'''Louhi''': Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo? :'''Joel''': Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Villager]''': Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Villager]''': Yah, it's really too bad. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Villager]''': No Sampo, eh? Bummer. :'''Servo [as Villager]''': Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. :''[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]'' :'''Crow [as Villager]''': I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! :''[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]'' :'''Servo [as Villager]''': He failed to bring back the Sampo! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! :'''Servo [as Villager]''': We shall die of starvation! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]'' :'''Joel''': What is this, [[w:Stalag 17|"Stalag 17: The Musical?"]] === [[w:Bride of the Monster|Bride of the Monster]] === ==== Hired! Part 1 (short) ==== :''[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the [[w:George H. W. Bush|''Bush'' administration]]. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, the sequel is ''Hired 2: Laid Off''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren looks at Jimmy's sales file with concern.]'' :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': Hmm? What in the ''world''? Assault with a deadly weapon?! :'''Crow [as Warren]''': AKA "The Pantsless Salesman" or "The Piddling Peddler"?! :'''Joel [as Warren]''': What? He got a D in trigonometry? :'''Servo [as Warren]''': But he is a Pieces with a moon in Aries. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': I'd fire him if he weren't my son. :''[Mr. Warren does a quick glance at the sales record board, then puts down the file and stands up.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': Are you there, Lord? :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Hello, wall. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': Well, there's a blue steak and a pitcher of martinis with my name on it. :''[Mr. Warren looks at the board again, which shows that most salesmen have sold only a few cars during the month.]'' :'''Servo [as Warren]''': That's nearly impossible. No one under my employ has ever sold a car! :'''Joel''': Well, I guess no one wins a Mathis album. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': If I could read, I'd know what the problem is. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Oh, here's the problem. I forgot to carry the two! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"]' :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[[in a whisper]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I hope I don't get fired. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I got a job today. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm selling Chevrolets. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm bringing home good pay. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I just got hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' Yeah, me! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's selling Chevrolets. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' We're gonna get awnings. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's bringing home good pay. :'''Joel''': [singing] I'm hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Maybe even dessert :'''Joel''': [singing at same time with bots next line] I'm hired! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He just got hired! HIRED! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' I was wondering if you’d like to see my- :'''Gypsy''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' But I really think you should see my- :'''Servo''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' It’s got a lovely- :'''Gypsy''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' And if only you would- :'''Crow''': No! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Come on and have some lemonade! ==== Bride of the Monster (movie) ==== :''[Lobo ([[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]]) scares away two hunters during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]'' :'''Crow''': Tor! Close your mouth before you drown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': ''[as he's strapped to an operating table]'' What are you doing to me?.. :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': you're gonna be [[w:Myra Breckinridge|Myra Breckinridge.]] :'''Dr. Vornoff''': You will soon be as big as giant, :'''Crow''': But it's not covered by his insurance. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': with the strength of twenty men, :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Give or take a few. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': Or-- :'''Servo [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': --Not. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': Like all the others; dead. :''[As Dr. Vornoff turns the machine on, the Hunter screams in agony]'' :'''Crow [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Oops! :''[As the hunter goes limp and dies, Dr. Vornoff quickly turns off the machine]'' :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Well, so much for the giant theory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Janet''': ''[As Lobo knocks Dick Craig unconscious.]'' DICK! :'''Crow''': ''[as Janet]'' Uh, no, Duck! Damn, I said that wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the mutated Dr. Vornoff fatally electrocutes Lobo by shoving him into a control panel, Janet screams as Vornoff grabs her and takes her away]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Green Acres|You are my wife]]! :'''Servo''': ''[high-pitched voice]'' [[w:Green Acres|Goodbye, City Life]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster get struck with lightning and go up in a nuclear blast. Janet and Dick horror and dismay.]'' :'''Joel ''': Well, calamari, anybody? :'''Servo''': That was ''one'' unstable octopus. :'''Joel [as Capt. Robbins]''': Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me. :'''Servo [as Capt. Robbins]''': Wait, how did he do that? :'''Capt. Robbins''': ''[solemnly]'' He tampered in God's domain. :'''Crow''': Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight. :''[the credits get shown]'' :'''Servo''': Loser. :'''Joel''': Mhm. :'''Servo''': Loser. :'''Crow''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Loser. ''[Joel and Crow laugh]'' [[w:Harvey B. Dunn|Harvey B. Loser]]. George Bec-loser. [[w:Paul Marco|Paul Loser Marco]]. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. [[w:Bud Osborne|Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne]]. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... ''[they get up to leave]'' :'''Crow''': But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer? :'''Servo''': The drunk was ''real'' good. :'''Crow''': Oh, yeah! === [[w:Manos: The Hands of Fate|Manos: The Hands of Fate]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[introducing the movie]'' Dig this, mes amis: your "average Joe" has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average person" on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you: '''"Manos": The Hands of Fate''', served with a short: the stirring conclusion to ''Hired!''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny! ==== Hired! Part 2 (short) ==== :''[The short begins]'' :'''Crow''': Previously on "Hired!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night! :'''Mr. Warren''': Sales are the most important thing in this business. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all. :'''Mr. Warren''': We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': But first — martinis! :'''Mr. Warren''': Jimmy, I want to talk with you first. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': 'Cause you've got the most problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]'' :'''Mr. Warren''': I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls. :'''Jimmy''': Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together. :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Warren''': ''[instructing his employees of what his old collegaues Harry had him do]'' I remember one of the first things Harry drilled into me- :'''Crow''': ''[as Warren]'' -was Harry! ''[Joel scoffs at Crow]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]'' :'''Joel''': Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]'' :'''Joel [as [[w:Joseph McCarthy|Senator McCarthy]]&thinsp;]''': Are you now, or have you ever been, a [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] owner? ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right? :'''Joel''': No, actually, it's more like a minute. :'''Servo''': ''[stunned]'' ...No. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]'' :'''Servo''': I guess they picked up [[w:Shirley Bassey|Shirley Bassey]] hitchhiking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[w:Brigadoon|Brigadoon]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]'' :'''Joel''': Ah… that's not how you wear your [[w:Depends|Depends]], Torgo. :'''Crow''': Been hitting the [[w:Thighmaster|Thighmaster]], Torgo? : . . . :'''Servo''': Like having [[w:Joe Cocker|Joe Cocker]] as your bellhop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]'' :'''Joel [as Michael]''': Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Debbie walks around with the Master's dog]'' :'''Crow [as Debbie]''': It's a devil and it's fun! :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': His name is Mephisto! Can we keep him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]'' :'''Crow [as The Master]''': What was I thinking? :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Women who lunch. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': And the Manos who love them — next [[w:Phil Donahue|Donahue]]. : . . . :'''Joel''': You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos. :'''Servo''': ...and now, back to We Married Manos! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, the talks broke down at this point. :'''Servo''': Looks like the [[w:Federal Assembly of Russia|Russian Parliament]]. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Next on [[w:ESPN|ESPN]], full contact nightgown wrestling! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Designing Women|Designing Women]]'', the lost episodes. :'''Servo [as Prof. Canning]''': And now, [[w:list of Monty Python's Flying Circus episodes#11. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom|the Manos Women's Guild will reenact]] the Battle of [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]]. :'''Joel''': You know, this was the alternate ending to ''[[w:Beaches (movie)|Beaches]]''. :'''Crow''': I see London, I see France, I see ''everybody's'' underpants! : . . . :'''Servo''': You know, this isn't ''[[w:Lysistrata|Lysistrata]]''. I ''like'' it, but it isn't ''Lysistrata''! : . . . :'''Joel''':You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]] breakup. : . . . :'''Servo''': I'm guessing ''this'' is the whole reason this movie was made. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Master''': Silence! :'''Joel''': Is golden! :'''The Master''': ''Silence!'' :'''Joel''': ''Is golden!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' ''DO SOMETHING!!!'' God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master points towards someting off-screen]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dramatically]'' Pull my finger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the [[w:Copacabana|Copacabana]], Jules Bedel proudly presents: [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]] and [[w:Tricia Nixon|Tricia Nixon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "[[w:Smoke on the Water|Smoke on the Water]]"]'' Smoke on the weirdo… :'''Crow [as Bela Lugosi]''': Come here. :'''Joel''': The new Pope has not been chosen. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master spreads his arms, revealing the hands on his cape.]'' :'''Crow''': I wish those hands would just push him over! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Joel''': Meanwhile, in Toledo... :'''Servo''': No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself? :. . . :'''Crow''': This must be a weekly series. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the end credits roll...]'' :'''Crow''': Crew? They had a crew!? I do ''not'' believe they had a crew! :'''Joel''': Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch. :'''Servo''': Where to start? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]'' :'''Crow''': The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer! :'''Joel''': No. Always wonder. :''[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]'' :'''Servo''': COME ON! :''[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here! :'''Joel''': We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate. :''[They leave the theater.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]'' :'''Frank''': Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm! :''[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]'' :'''Torgo''': They always do that! == Season 5 == === [[w:Warrior of the Lost World|Warrior of the Lost World]] === :'''Nastasia''': Do you want survival? :'''Joel [as [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]]]''': Sure, we all do! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]'' :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that! <hr width="50%"/> :''["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': She's got a Lady Hemingway! {{hnote|Combining the names of the ''Lady Remington'' electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john. === [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]] === :''[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Attack of the Mary Martins! {{hnote|One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules is choking a lion.]'' :'''Joel [as lion]''': Aww, Herc, I was kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]'' :'''Joel [as a cavalry man]''': Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through]'' :'''Crow''': There will be patches of scattered god today. === [[w:Swamp Women|Swamp Diamonds]] === ==== What to Do on a Date (short) ==== :''[The titles appear.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I need to know what ''not'' to do on a date! Hahaha! :''[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': What, she has a Ph.D. in dating? :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': Oh no, this is like having your ''mom'' talk to you about sex! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nick''': Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you? :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How many ways can I say "no"?! :'''Kay''': Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to ''very'' much. :'''Crow [as Kay]''': Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave? : . . . :'''Nick''': I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a ''date''. :'''Joel [as Nick]''': … with a loser like me. :'''Nick''': Where's my racket? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': I should spank myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]'' :'''Joel''': Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': How does Jeff get ideas like that? :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': From the voices inside his head. :''[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]'' :'''Narrator''': Wait a minute, maybe ''this'' is where Jeff gets his ideas! :'''Joel''': The lunch menu? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Ice cream? I love this party! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Had this been an actual date, [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|you would have been instructed where to go]]. ==== Swamp Diamonds (movie) ==== :''[During one of the many, many girl fights.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland's]] bra! I have seen the Promised Land! === [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|Secret Agent Super Dragon]] === :''[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]'' :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He ''smokes'', carries a ''gun'', and... ''[deflating]'' makes a lot of... phone calls... === [[w:Sadko (film)|The Magic Voyage of Sinbad]] === :''[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as someone in the crowd]''': [[w:Blazing Saddles|Howard Johnson is right!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': It's noon and he's still [[w:filibuster|filibustering!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]'' :'''Crow''': They're test-marketing [[w:Crystal Pepsi|Crystal Pepsi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]'' :'''Crow''': They look like the [[w:Knights who say Ni|Knights Who Say "Ni!"]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It seems as if everybody who's anybody is here tonight. :'''Crow''': That's because they knew you'd be wearing that dress. Wow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[laughing a little too hard]'' We were wondering... what would ''you'' do if Sinbad came to your town? ''[laughs again]'' Wouldn't you want the city council to do something about it? Let's watch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': That wasn't Sinbad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': WHO ARE YOU!?!? === [[w:Eegah|Eegah!]] === :''[Roxy walks up to her little car.]'' :'''Crow [as Roxy]''': Taxi! ...Oh, I drove. :. . . :'''Servo''': Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse. <hr width="50%"> :''[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely [[w:Arch Hall, Jr.|Arch Hall, Jr.]], looks up.]'' :'''[[w:Crow|Crow]]''': ''Honk'' if you love Eegah! :'''Tommy''': Hi, Roxie! :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tommy]''': Sorry about my face!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': He's wearing corrective everything! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]'' :'''Tommy''': Roxie! It's me, Tom! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Roxie]''': That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]'' :'''Dr. Miller''': He left the road right here. :'''Dr. Miller''': ''[ [[w:Automated dialogue replacement|dubbed voiceover]] ]'' Watch out for snakes! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Who said that?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, it looks like it hurts to be him. :'''Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]''': Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]'' :'''Joel''': I figured it out, he looks like the bat from ''[[w:FernGully: The Last Rainforest|FernGully]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]'' :'''Roxie''': Um... how do you do? :'''Crow [as corpse]''': I'm really, really dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel. :'''Crow''': That purse will be the death of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as Eegah]''': ''[singing]'' Red roses for a blue ladyyyy... :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[in unison]'' [[w:Hooked on a Feeling|'''EE'''GAH SHUCKA! '''EE'''GAH! '''EE'''GAH!]] :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I can't stop this feelin'... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a dress store]'': :'''Crow''': It's Frederick's of Maplewood. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': ''The Loretta Young Show''! :''[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]''': Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! ''[chuckles]'' Why not stick around and watch ''Dream On''? It's the ''breast'' show on TV! ''[to Joel]'' Kill me. === [[w:I Accuse My Parents|I Accuse My Parents]] === :''[Servo has Crow cover him in skin-color paint to fufill his desire to be a "real boy"]'' :'''Servo''': The human body in all its many shapes and sizes is a wonder to behold! Today I emerge from my metal chrysalis... I am no longer Tom Servo- mere robot; I am now Tom Servo- real live boy! Ah-ha! Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails, that's what Tommy boy's made of! :'''Joel''': Really, huh? I knew this was gonna happen someday- you've come down with Pinocchio Syndrome! :'''Servo''': Nonsense! It has always been my dream to be a real live boy; and now, I am that very thing. :'''Joel''': Why? There's millions of real live boys on Earth; [but] there's only '''one''' Tom Servo! :'''Servo''': I want to run and jump and skin my knees! :'''Crow''': You don't have any legs. :'''Servo''': I- I wanna catch frogs down by the ol' swimming hole. :'''Crow''': Your arms don't even work. :'''Servo''': ''[starting to become forlorn]'' I want to experience the world of emotions and feelings! :'''Crow''': ''[bluntly]'' You'll get beat up, because you're a freak. :'''Servo''': ''[sorrowfully, as Joel comforts him]'' Oh; now I ''know'' I'm a real life boy- I can feel my heart breaking. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel presents his Invention Exchange piece- the Junk Drawer Organizer, making a place for all the assorted bits and rubbish that fill up the junk drawer]'' :'''Crow''': How many times have you been rummaging through wondering to yourself "''Where did I put that gun?''". Well, now there's a place for it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Okay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project? :'''Gypsy''': Mm-hmm. :'''Tom Servo''': Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh? :'''Joel''': Well, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... . :''[Crow's drawing is a giant version of himself with a handlebar mustache, knives for hands, and lasers firing from his chest, walking down a city street crushing buildings]'' :'''Servo''': Huh. :'''Crow''': That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest. Pyeww! Pyeww! :'''Gypsy''': Ooh! :'''Crow ''': I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path! :'''Gypsy''': Ahh... . :'''Joel''': Uh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache? :'''Crow''': Uh... .I dunno. :'''Joel''': Okay, let's see here. ''[writes]'' "Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame." Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this? :''[Tom's drawing is two women holding hands, with a big robot standing behind them]'' :'''Servo''': Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass. :'''Joel''': Uh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom? :'''Servo''': I dunno. :'''Joel''': Okay, let's see... . ''[writes]'' "Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome." ''[aside whisper]'' Man should be in a straitjacket! ''[addresses Gypsy]'' Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one? :''[Gypsy's is of her, Crow, Joel, Tom and Cambot--holding hands, with Richard Basehart looking down on them from a cloud overhead]'' :''Gypsy''': Well, Joel, my ideal family is right here! And I know Richard Basehart watches over us all. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God? :'''Gypsy''': I dunno. :'''Crow''': Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots? :'''Joel''': Um... .I don't know. :''[Short but awkward silence]'' :'''Joel''': I'm kidding, of course. :''[Commercial sign]'' :'''Joel''': We'll be right back. I do know! I really do know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[sing-song, about Jimmy's whole decision process in the movie]'' Jim's crazy- :'''Crow''': '''And''' stupid. :'''Servo''': -crazy for accusing his par~ents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Oh well, We'll have to take it from the top. ==== The Truck Farmer (short) ==== :''[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]'' :'''Joel''': Easter Bunny films presents... :'''Servo''': "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences. :'''Crow''': Wonder if they sold this film door to door? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Most of us think that these people were really free... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': But they were just stupid! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]'' :'''Crow''': Aah! It's [[w:Killdozer! (film)|Killdozer!]] [[w:Clint Walker|Clint Walker]], no! :'''Servo''': Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares? :'''Crow [as driver]''': Stupid trees! God, I hate them. :'''Joel''': Early [[w:tractor pulling|tractor pulls]], not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition. :'''Crow''': Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes. :'''Servo''': The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the ''[[w:Speed Racer|Speed Racer]]'' theme]'' :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer, go! : . . . :'''Servo''': There's something you don't see every day. :'''Joel''': What's that? :'''Servo''': A farmer with all his limbs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]'' :'''Servo''': Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]'' :'''Narrator''': A complicated system of irrigation is used. :'''Joel''': Oh, real ''complicated''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help. :'''Crow''': They make it sound so nice! : . . . :''[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The carrots are washed first. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're made flavorless so people will buy steak! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Some carrots are frozen. :'''Crow''': Some carrots are humiliated publicly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem... :'''Crow''': Texans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]'' :'''Narrator''': The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Later, this device is used to beat back the workers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]'' :'''Joel''': Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet? ==== I Accuse My Parents (movie) ==== :''[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corporation) logo...]'' :'''Servo''': Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:John_Bradshaw_%28author%29|John Bradshaw]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the title sequence]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Jimmy's trial...]'' :'''Jimmy''': Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor... :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': ...but I'm [[w:Esther Rolle|Esther Rolle]]! :'''Jimmy''': But... I accuse my parents! :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Servo''': Yes! We have a title! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[recurring, whenever Jimmy makes an big lie]'' Liar! Liar! Liar! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kitty''': ''[singing]'' Are you happy... :'''Crow''': Define "happy!" :'''Kitty''': ...In your work... :'''Joel''': Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]'' :'''Kitty''': You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Eighteen, after taxes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]'' :'''Servo [as Kitty]''': If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now! :'''Crow''': I accuse her hair! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty singing another song, while internally still thinking about Jimmy]'' :'''Kitty''': Why did you leave me? :'''Joel''': You told him to! :'''Kitty''': Please, hear my plea- :'''Servo''': '''Not guilty'''! :'''Kitty''': -Where can you be? :'''Crow''': The audience is frankly stunned. === [[w:O.K. Connery|Operation Double 007]] === :''[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of [[w:Neil Connery|Neil Connery]]...]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' He gets his haircut on Tuesdays! :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' He prefers stuffing to potatoes! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' His favorite movie is ''[[w:Turner and Hooch|Turner and Hooch]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on the S.O.L. bridge, Joel dresses like a Bond villain, as the Bots dress as his henchmen]'' :'''Joel''': Alright, it's time for my daily back rub; who's going to do the honors? :'''Servo''': Joel, none of us having working arms. :'''Joel''': '''''I know'''''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]'' :'''Mr. Thayer''': Everything will go on, as if nothing happened. :'''Joel''': Nothing ''has'' happened... === [[w:The Girl in Lovers Lane|The Girl in Lovers Lane]] === :''[Singing to the opening credits theme]'' :'''Servo''': The Girl in Lover's Lane... :'''Crow''': With [[w:Jack Elam|Jack Elam]], not [[w: Jack LaLanne|Jack LaLanne]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the camera view pans directly in front of an oncoming train]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, Camera 3, get off the track. Camera 3, oh dear God- ''[the train zooms forward while Joel and the bots scream in shock, and it smash cuts to commercial break]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]'' :'''Danny''': I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat. :'''Bix''': That's a good idea. :'''Servo [as Bix]''': You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you. :''[The two enter a diner.]'' :'''Joel [as Danny]''': We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat? :'''Crow [as Bix]''': Shut up, Danny. :'''Joel [as Danny]''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]''': ''[singing]'' :: The 5:15 from Duluth, :: Oh my! It just derailed! :: The toxic waste is spillin', :: The conductor's been impaled. :: A benzene cloud has risen :: And the whole town's startin' to cough. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to the beat]'' [cough, cough] … [cough, cough] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' :: Within a matter of day-eeez, :: All of our skin will fall off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bix heads off to the local brothel to collect Danny after he got seduced by co-worker Pete's girlfriend (who works at said brothel), when he comes across a young woman bathing who starts to hit on him]'' :'''Bathing Woman''': ''[to Bix]'' Are you in the right room now? :'''Servo''': ''[as Bix]'' Oh, I've never been in a righter room in my life! :'''Crow''': ''[as Bix]'' If this room is '''wrong''', I don't wanna be '''''right'''''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carrie's delivery man/stalker Jesse is unnerving her at the diner, and Bix decides to confront him]'' :'''Jesse''': I want the girl (Carrie). :'''Bix''': I told you, she's busy. :'''Crow''': ''[as Jesse]'' Well, can you put on a dress and say "May I help you?" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Robot Monster|To live like the E-lam...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo pitch an alternate ending to the film, which starts veering into a whole new direction]'' :'''Crow''': Then... there are pygmies! They live in a vast Pgymy kingdom. . . . :'''Servo''': See, the pygmies get a bus; and they drive all the way out to Hollywood! :'''Crow''': ''[aside to Servo]'' (To) Florida (actually). :'''Servo''': ...Florida! And then they head for the stars. Then you learn some kind of lesson, then you go home. :'''Crow''': Now '''that's''' a better ending! === [[w:The Painted Hills|The Painted Hills]] === ==== Body Care and Grooming (short) ==== :''[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV announcer]''': Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]'' :'''Narrator''': Ah, spring! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Filthy, shameful spring! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, people were ''whiter'' back then. :'''Narrator''': When a young man's fancy lightly turns to... :'''Crow''': Underpants. :'''Narrator''': ...Love. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of slovenly girl.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair! :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I ''like'' her hair! :'''Narrator''': And that blouse! :'''Crow''': ''[lasciviously]'' I'm looking, I'm looking! :... :''[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]'' :'''Narrator''': Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being! :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' You know, make him want to ''grope'' you and ''paw'' at you! :. . . :''[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Those... n-nose. :. . . :'''Crow''': We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it! :''[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]'' :'''Crow [as young man]''': Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]'' :'''Narrator''': Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes— :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Is immoral. :'''Narrator''': —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous. :'''Crow''': Expressing individualism is just plain ''wrong''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles. :'''Crow''': Skin sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': One of these is cleansing cream. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': One of these is [[w:Nitric acid|nitric acid]]. Choose wisely. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]'' :'''Narrator''': And so... the end of a perfect day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': An entire day spent grooming. : . . . :'''Narrator''': And you... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Jezebel! :'''Narrator''': ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And remember—when you [[w:Masturbation|touch yourself]], the saints cry. Goodnight. :''[As we fade out...]'' :'''Joel''': KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! :'''Crow''': You're next! :''[A few more names appear]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let's not forget ''these guys''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow. :'''Crow''': I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You. :'''Gypsy''': Tom Servo, :'''Servo''': Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you, :'''Gypsy''': And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict. :'''Joel''': Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right. :'''Crow''': Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right! :'''Servo''': Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue. :'''Joel''': Well, how's that? :'''Servo''': A spitting contest! :''[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey! ==== The Painted Hills (movie) ==== :''[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]'' :'''Joel''': Yeah, I'm afraid ''we're'' gonna be true bored men after this... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Now, is this the real Old West, or the [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] Old West where they had electricity and cars? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan''': Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked! :'''Crow [as Jonathan]''': But enough vernacular... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Taylor''': Never mind the dog, Tommy... :'''Servo [as Taylor]''': [[w:Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols|Here's the Sex Pistols]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]'' :'''Servo''': How did that corral get there?<br> :'''Crow''': They used [[w:CorelDRAW|CorelDraw]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Mount Rushmore|Mount Rushmore]]!...Before it was built. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]'' :'''Joel [as Taylor]''': Well, looks like the montage finally blew over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]'' :'''Crow''': So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Shep]''': SNAUSAGES! === [[w:Gunslinger (film)|Gunslinger]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[Stopping his scan of TV's Frank's brain and looking at the camera]'' Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland]] in her pre-[[w:Scarecrow and Mrs. King|Dotty]] period. :'''TV's Frank''': Beverly Garland. ''[growls, but is cut off by another scan]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. ''[turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]'' [[Die Hard|Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[As the criminals start moving]'' Ah, cue the horses! :'''Crow''': ''[Under his breath]'' Corman... :'''Servo''': ''[As the criminals stop]'' Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar. :'''Servo''': Oh, they hadn't invented that yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]'' :'''Crow''': Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall! :'''Cain''': Crazy coming up in here... :'''Joel [as Cain]''': ...in my hallway here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cain''': Only the good die young. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]'' :'''Joel [as Polk]''': Draw, er... wait a sec! :''[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork]'' :'''Crow''': ''[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of [[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]]'' Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores! :'''Servo''': Doo-doo, do-do-do! ''[scene switches to Cain aiming his gun]'' ...the hell? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]'' :'''Cain''': ''[drunkenly]'' You got brown eyes... :'''Servo [as Cain]''': ''[drunkenly]'' An' you got a neck. :. . . :'''Servo [as Cain]''': Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers! === [[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]] === :''[The character of [[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike Nelson]] has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in [[w:Deep 13|Deep 13]].]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Here it is. ''[[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]]'', starring [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]] :'''Mike Nelson''': You guys watch ''Joe Don Baker'' movies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, here it comes, Joel — ''Mitchell''! It's a… [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|super secret spy]]… uh, has [[w:The Sidehackers|a motorcycle]]… [[w:Marooned (film)|marooned in space]]… meets… [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]]… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a [[w:Disco|disco]] beat.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Isaac Hayes]''': [[Shaft (1971 film)#Theme song|Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Mitchell! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': That Mitchell is one fat s— :'''Joel, Crow''': Shut yo' mouth! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Ee-gah... :'''Crow''': Shtemlo. :'''Joel''': [[w:Eegah|Watch out for snakes!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|We've]] [[w:How Not to Be Seen|hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture]]... :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Mitchell, will you stand up, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]'' :'''Benton''': No salesmen at this entrance. :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': But I'm not a salesman! I'm the [[The Thin Blue Line|Chubby Blue Line]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Gates|Daryl Gates]] on his day off. :'''Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]''': He's landed just short of the green. :'''Servo [as Other Golfers]''': Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]'' :'''Joel''': Baby oil! :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': BLAAAARRRGGGHHH! :'''Servo''': ''[vomiting noises]'' :'''Crow''': Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel? :''[In the soundtrack, [[w:Hoyt Axton|Hoyt Axton]] continues to sing the theme song.]'' :'''Axton''': My my my my Mitchell... :'''Crow''': My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': My mother doesn't like you :'''Mitchell''': 'Well, I don't like your mother. :'''Kid''': Why not? :'''Mitchell''': Why not? :'''Kid'''': No, why not? :'''Mitchell''': No, why not? :'''Kid''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Servo''': Tonight on Crossfire. :'''Mitchell''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Kid''': I'm not! :'''Mitchell''': Well ''I'm'' not! :'''Kid''': You are! :'''Mitchell''': Buzz off! :'''Kid''': What? :'''Mitchell''': What? :'''Kid''': What did you say? :'''Mitchell''': What'd you say? :'''Kid''': Did you say something? :'''Servo''': ''[losing it]'' '''''AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deaney''': How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell? :'''Crow [as Mitchell]''': Uh, by the quart. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]'' :'''Hoyt Axton''': ''[singing]'' My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say? :'''Crow''': She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell spends several minutes silently committing some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]'' :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': Why did I do that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]'' :'''Joel [as Mitchell]''': Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos! === [[w:The Brain That Wouldn't Die|The Brain That Wouldn't Die]] === :''[In the operating room...]'' :'''Bill's Father''': I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in. :'''Servo [as Bill's Father]''': 'Cuz he got me as his doctor. : . . . :''[An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael Nelson]] [as [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]]]''': [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], join me or star in '''''[[w:Corvette Summer|Corvette Summer]]!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]'' :'''Bill''': You have the keys to your car? :''[Cut to them driving.]'' :'''Crow''': The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car. :'''Servo [as announcer]''': ''[[w:The Long, Long Trailer|The Long, Long Trailer]]!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, that was my [[w:The Long and Winding Road|prom theme]]! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': [[w:stop sign|Stop sign]], what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve? :''[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]'' :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': Aughhh! The road is attacking me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]'' :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' D-Don't forget my purse! Honey? : . . . :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' You just ''had'' to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a ''body'' anymore! Are you happy? : . . . :''[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]'' :'''Mike [as Sports Announcer]''': [[w:John Riggins|Riggins]] is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him! :'''Crow''': He's either gonna win the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] or the [[w:Heisman Trophy|Heisman Trophy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]'' :'''Crow [with British accent]''': [[Fawlty Towers|Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the machine keeping it alive, Jan's head is wrapped in cloth resembling a wimple]'' :'''Crow''': They saved [[w:The Flying Nun|Sister Bertrille]]'s brain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]'' :'''Mike [as Cortner]''': Well, she can't have a ''cardboard'' body. I've ruled that out. :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': ''[pervertedly]'' Saaay, this could actually be an ''upgrade''... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cortner]''': Well, it's nice and all, but I want something ''sleazy''. :''[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a [[w:greasy spoon|greasy spoon]]), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]'' :'''Mike''': If [[w:Jack Ruby|Jack Ruby]] owned a [[w:Denny's|Denny's]]. : . . . :'''Servo [as Maître d']''': Welcome to the [[w:Diane Arbus|Diane Arbus]] Cafe. : . . . :'''Mike [as Stripper]''': This dance represents that there are ''no baked potatoes'' until ''after five''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]'' :'''Crow''': Doesn't she need lungs? :'''Servo''': No, she's got neck juice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jan]''': Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]'' :'''Jan''': Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me. :'''Servo''': [[w:Knock Three Times|Knock three times]] on the ceiling if you want me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]'' :'''Servo [as Radio DJ]''': ''[sultrily]'' It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, [[w:John Holmes (actor)|Holmes]] and [[w:Harry Reems|Reems]] in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]'' :'''Mike [as Radio DJ]''': Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN! :'''Servo''': ''[echoing, hushed]'' ''K-PORN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster has broken the closet door off of its hinges and is reaching through the peephole, trying to strangle Cortner.]'' :'''Joel [as Cortner]''': Look... you know your business, but... if you just put the door down, you can kill me! :''[The monster shoves Cortner to the ground and starts shaking the door off of its arm.]'' :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': There, see? ''Now'' you can kill me! You can use the door! : . . . :''[The monster bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]'' :'''Servo [as Monster]''': That's one nasty [[w:McNugget|McNugget]]! Ew! === [[w:Teen-Age Strangler|Teen-Age Strangler]] === ==== Is This Love? (short) ==== :''[Reading the title card]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Is this love, or is it just [[w:Fatal Attraction|rough]] [[w:Basic Instinct|sex]] with [[w:Michael Douglas|Michael Douglas]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the college dorm room]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So... Where's Waldo? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's under the bed. :''[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Geez! How many times was she held back? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heh heh heh. :'''Liz''': Hi, Peg! :''[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Peg]''': Hi, Mom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peg''': I think I'll send a telegram instead. :'''Liz''': Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something. :'''Mike [as Liz]''': Well, I've known her for fifty years… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liz''': Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other. :'''Peg''': Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is! :'''Mike [as Peg]''': He's anatomically correct, and everything! :'''Peg''': It's the real thing. :'''Liz''': I remember when I first felt that way about Andy. :'''Servo [as Liz]''': ...at the turn of the century. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is ending.]'' :'''Narrator''': How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey? :'''Servo''': [[w: Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice|Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?]] :'''Narrator''': How can you tell? Is this love? :'''Crow''': You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now. :''[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]'' :'''Mike''': And, now stay tuned for the [[w:Clarence Thomas Supreme Court nomination#Sexual harassment allegations|Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill hearing]]. :'''Crow''': No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie. :''[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': "How Much Affection?" :'''Crow''': "When Should I Marry?" :''[Mike and the Bots continue with fake titles.]'' :'''Mike''': "Know Your Ointments" :'''Servo''': "What's That Down There?" :'''Crow''': "When He Wants It Rough" :'''Mike''': "Procreation, Not Recreation" :'''Servo''': "Oh No, Pleasure!" :'''Crow''': "[[w:McClintock|McClintock!]]" ==== Teen-Age Strangler (movie) ==== :''[As a girl is strangled]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Splendor in the Grass|Splendor in the Grass]] 2: [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|Dream Warrior]]! === [[w:The Wild World of Batwoman|The Wild Wild World of Batwoman]] === :'''Gypsy''': Should I spit on your dice now, or not, or...? ==== Cheating (short) ==== :''[Reading the opening cards]'' :'''Servo''': Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens over a large clock.]'' :'''Servo [as radio announcer]''': ''The Jack Benny Program''! :''[The clock strikes ominously.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[deeply]'' [[w:A Christmas Carol|Ebenezer Scrooge]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A phone rings.]'' :'''Crow''': For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA. :''[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the foley guy must be calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': Why don't they call? :'''Crow''': Because they don't like you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Mother Teresa called. She hates you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it? :'''Crow [as John]''': Aw, let's just cheat! :'''John''': x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... ''[Mary shakes her head]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Nobody home, huh? :'''John''': Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': John, this is geography! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed. :'''Crow''': Split it open now! :'''Narrator''': You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach. :'''Servo''': On a doily. :'''Narrator''': So you decided to take a chance. :''[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': ''[loudly]'' Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews. :''[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she looked at you? :'''Crow''': Or was it lust? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you. :''[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': Oh, hi Miss Grandy— ''EAAAAAAGH!'' '''''AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And most of all, your new job as student council representative. :''[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]'' :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I envision a cheating wing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': I smell a big Commie rat. :'''Miss Grandy''': John, bring it up here, please. :''[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]'' :'''Crow [as loudspeaker]''': PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK! :''[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]'' :'''Servo''': Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny! :. . . :'''Crow''': And so [[w:Dana Plato|Dana Plato]]'s career begins. <hr width="50%"/> :''Jim is tacking something to the wall as Johnny approaches.'' :'''Johnny:''' Hey, Jim. What's that? :'''Jim:''' Meetin' of the student council. :'''Mike [as Jim]:''' They're hangin' you in effigy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]], Crow, [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Give us [[w:Barabbas|Barabbas!]] Barabbas! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But did John truly intend to be dishonest? :'''Servo''': Or was he just pure evil? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A question mark appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow [as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]]''': Riddle me this, Batman! ''[cackles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Mike''': The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind. :'''Servo''': Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame? :'''Mike''': Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game? :'''Gypsy''': Which begs the question of free will. What about free will? :'''Servo''': Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself? :'''Mike''': Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow? :'''Crow''': Uh, the Beatles! :'''Servo''': You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_quality_of_mercy_(Shakespeare_quote) The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.] :'''Tom''': Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay. :'''Gypsy''': Really?... '''FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Untouchables_(film) I WANT HIS FAMILY ''DEAD!'' I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!]''' :'''Mike''': Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike? :'''Mike''': Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself. :'''Servo''': ''[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax]'' Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience. :'''Mike''': We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! ''[Takes the cloth off of Servo]'' :'''Crow''': Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start? :'''Gypsy''': Should we listen? We're shunning him. :'''Mike''': No, we should listen. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting. :'''Crow''': : If it pleases the court? :'''Mike''': ''[hammering with a gavel]'' It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! ''[lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]'' :'''Crow''': : As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains. :'''Gypsy''': You know, it's really true. :'''Crow''': Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex. :'''Gypsy''': Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? ''[Mike hushes her up]'' :'''Crow''': If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have-- :'''Gypsy''': ''[getting agitated]'' He copied my whole paper-- :'''Crow''': ...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain. :'''Servo''': Can we just kill him now?? :'''Crow''': Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy-- :'''Gypsy''': HE STOLE MY '''''FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!''''' :'''Servo''': DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN! :'''Crow''': And I forgive myself. Thank you. ''[lights come up]'' I await your verdict. :'''Mike''': Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology. :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry. :'''Mike''': The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! ''[Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.''[The 'Bots cheer.]'' :'''Servo''': I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry! ==== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I have my [[w:Sobriety coin|40-year TV medallion]]. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Branded|What do you do when you're branded?]] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' You watch TV. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Network (film)|I'm as mad as hell!...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''Holy'' cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:That Girl|Oh, Donald]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors! :'''Servo''': So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh? :''[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]'' :'''Mike''': Whahappa? :'''Servo [as TV announcer]''': Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes! :''[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[in a dull voice]'' [[w:Tequila (song)|Tequila]]. :'''Crow''': Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]'' :'''Man''': Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in. :'''Mike''': [[w:Montgomery Burns|Simpson, eh?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from ''[[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' Wha&mdash; that's ''The Mole People''! These movies have crashed! :'''Mike''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Mole People'' in my ''Batwoman''!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Batwoman'' in my ''Mole People''!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the [[w:Monkees|Monkees]] look good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Little Black Sambo|Maybe they'll all turn into butter.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, Mike. This is Hell. :''' Mike''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Mike, I demand that you kill me. : '''Servo''': Me too. :'''Mike:''' No. ''[a beat]'' Will you kill me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]'' :'''Servo''': Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[screaming]'' ENDDDD! ''EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!'' :''[And now, at last, the film ends.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[defeated and unimpressed]'' What a wild wild world! :'''Crow''': Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you! === [[w:Alien from L.A.|Alien from L.A.]] === :''[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or ''Sir'' to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son? :'''Mike''': ''[weakly]'' Sir, yes sir. :'''Crow''': I didn't hear you, ladybritches! :'''Mike''': I said sir, yes sir! :'''Servo''': ''[in pieces on the table]'' Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch ''[[w:Sisters (TV series)|Sisters]]''! :'''Crow''': You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, ooh, I'm scared... :'''Mike''': Hey Crow, c'mon... :'''Crow''': I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath! :'''Mike''': Uh, [[w:Full Metal Jacket|This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine]]. :'''Crow''': And what is the name of your robot, boy? :'''Servo''': Servo! Tom Servo! :'''Crow''': I don't believe I was addressing ''you'', Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and ''give me twenty, Corporal?'' :'''Servo''': Uh, 'cause I can't? :'''Crow''': Well, now, you just bought yourself ''two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!'' :'''Mike''': Uh, we'll be right back. :'''Crow''': I heard that, [[w:Gomer Pyle|Pyle]]! You piece of ''filth!'' :'''Servo''': Well, several pieces, actually... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]'' :'''Wanda''': I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Robbie]''': It's your helium addiction. : . . . :'''Wanda''': Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Robbie]''': 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]'' :'''Mike''': That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Hey it's the Blue Mosque! :'''Servo''': No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill. :'''Crow''': Have you <i>been</i> to Istanbul? :'''Servo''': THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]'' :'''Mike [as Wanda]''': Ah! Swimsuit issue! :'''Crow [as Wanda]''': This whole room smells like my eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]'' :'''Wanda''': Dad? :'''Mike''': Look, your dad's not responsible for ''everything'' that happens in the world! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy Ireland]''': This door sounds brown! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]'' :'''Charmin''': Wait a minute...is that really your voice? :'''Servo''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could! === [[w:Beginning of the End (film)|Beginning of the End]] === :''[All three are sitting in the front seat; Audrey is driving, Ed in the center:]'' :'''Mike [as Audrey]''': Wait, this isn't a stick shift... ''AAGGGHHH!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as soldier]''': [[w:One weekend a month, two weeks a year|One weekend a month my ass!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grasshopper]''': They got [[w:Jiminy_Cricket|Jiminy]]! Get em! :. . . :'''Mike [as general]''': We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to ''grasshoppers'', people! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as general]''': I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God! :. . . :''[As the grasshopper breaks free, [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves']]s character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Pete! Pete! ''Short, controlled'' bursts! <hr width="50%"> :''[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Brian Eno|Brian Eno]] ruled Chicago. <hr width="50%"> :''[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]'' :'''Mike''': Guys, this is so ''not'' Illinois. === [[w:Monstrosity (film)|The Atomic Brain]] === :''[(Servo has been outfitted with gadgets and thermometers all over his body. Most noticeable are the anemometer and weather vane atop his dome.]'' :'''Mike''': So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again? :'''Servo''': Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU! :'''Mike''': You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that. :'''Crow''': Servo, you're gonna die in space. :'''Gypsy''': Crow! He might not. :'''Servo''': That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! ''[gets raised]'' :'''Mike''': ''[whispering]''Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite. :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' I know, just send the poor dope out to space. :'''Gypsy''': Don't die! :'''Servo''': Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--''[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen]'' Boy! ''[audibly shivering throughout forecast]'' It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold? :'''Crow''': Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine! :'''Mike''': Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay? :'''Servo''': Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here! :'''Gypsy''': He's dead meat. :'''Crow''': Yep. :'''Servo''': I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! ''[Servo suddenly screams loud and long]'' :'''Mike''': Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! ''[Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that'll happen. :'''Gypsy''': Servo, are you all right? :'''Mike''': Servo, buddy, speak to me! :'''Servo''': Well, ''[coughs]'' I'm not cold anymore. ''[coughs]'' :'''Mike''': I better start fixin' you up. :'''Crow''': Wow! You look so cool, Servo! Hey Mike, can I do that? :'''Mike''': NO! You can't. You cannot do that. :'''Crow''': I wanna do that, I'm doing that next. :'''Mike''': We'll be right back. :'''Servo''': Weather, Station, huh, help! Haha! Head happens to be on fire! Might wanna...ha! ==== What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short) ==== :''[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' They ''flattened'' him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]'' :'''Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]''': [[w:Norm Peterson|Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': [[w:The Mod Squad|Pete, Linc, Julie]], and... Steve? : . . . :'''Servo [as [[w:Walter Winchell|Walter Winchell]]]''': Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]'' :'''Angry City Councilman''': We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already! :'''Servo [as Councilman]''': Kill 'em all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]]'s new name, isn't it? :'''Crow''': No, it's [[w:Frank Gorshin|Frank Gorshin]]'s new name! ==== The Atomic Brain (movie) ==== :''[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]''' :'''Mike:''' Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' She's ''nude!'' :'''Servo:''' ''Lady...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]'' :'''Crow:''' She's ''SORT-OF ALIVE!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]'' :'''Servo:''' ''[giggling]'' And she floats ''gently'' to her death! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]'' :'''Crow [as Hetty/[[w:Dr. Strangelove|Dr. Strangelove]]]''': Mein Fuehrer! I can walk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]'' :'''Servo''': So, Mike, where's the atomic brain? :'''Mike''': I don't know... === [[w:Outlaw of Gor|Outlaw]] === :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo are playing around.]'' :'''Gypsy''': This is not a gymnasium! :'''Crow''': Aw, come on, Gyps, it’s fun when it’s fun! :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, it’s fun until somebody ''dies!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mike throws Servo into the air, he's stuck in the rafters.]'' :'''Mike''': Come on, Tom, just drop, I'll catch ya. :'''Servo''': But I'm scared! :'''Mike''': Don't be ridiculous. Come on. :'''Servo''': Okay, here I come. :''[Servo falls... right behind Mike.]'' :'''Gypsy''': We can't have nice things, can we? :'''Servo''': Ow, ow, help me, Mike. :'''Mike''': Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. :'''Crow''': ''(Noticing the Mads' light)'' Oh, it'll have to wait! The dual airbags are calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, You guys look like Fabio! ''[Laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the title screen]'': :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' With [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]]? ''Oh please oh please oh please oh please...'' :'''Mike''': No, don't get your hopes up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]'' :'''Crow''': I hate this movie already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner Gordon]] calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot? :'''Mike [as Watney]''': [[w:To Have and Have Not|You just put your lips together and drink!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]'' :'''Mike''': Any chance [[w:Barney Rubble|Barney Rubble]] there could go through the windshield? :''[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]'' :'''Crow''': Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Where the hell am I? :'''Mike''': You're the hell here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot? :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Ssh! I'm acting! :'''Cabot''': I must go to Koruba! :'''Watney''': What? :'''Cabot''': Koruba. :''[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]'' :'''Watney''': The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot. :'''Mike, Crow & Servo''': ''[chanting]'' Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him... :'''Watney''': Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh? :'''Mike''': ''[whispers]'' Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now! :'''Crow''': They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard''': Who are you? :'''Cabot''': My name is Cabot. :'''Guard''': Cabot? :''[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]'' :'''Peasant #1''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #2''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #3''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #4''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #5''': Cabot! :'''Mike''': Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry. <hr width="50%"> :''[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]'' :'''Cabot''': Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression! :'''Mike [as Cabot]''': Uh, starting tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]'' :'''Servo''': Check it out, it's one of them [[w:Jack Nicklaus|Jack Nicklaus]] golf communities! :'''Mike''': ''[to Servo]'' ...Are you old? How do you know about that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A beaten and bloodied Cabot is brought before Queen Lara.]'' :'''Queen Lara''': ''[accusing Xenos]'' What have you done to the prisoner? :'''Servo [as Jack Palance]''': Uh, we canceled it. [[w:The_Prisoner|It was too obscure.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jack Palance's character Xenos is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]'' :'''Queen Lara''': What are you talking about? :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': ''[resignedly]'' I really don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen Lara''': ''[in phenomenally bad [[w:Automated_dialogue_replacement|ADR]]]'' Get out of here! You dis''gust''ing worm! :'''Xenos''': At once... your... Royal... Highness. :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': Now... if... you'll... ex...cuse me, I'm going to go... tear my... agent a new... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]'' :'''Cabot''': She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it. :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Nekkid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, uh... ''[doing a Jack Palance impression]'' "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight." :'''Mike''': Okay... ''[takes book and does own Jack Palance impression]'' "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." ''[referring to his character's recurring phrase]'' "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?" :'''Servo''': ''[takes book, does Palance]'' "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing [[w:Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas]]. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard." :'''Crow''': ''[book; Palance]'' "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping." :'''Mike''': "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap." :'''Servo''': "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" ''[startled, reverts back to normal voice]'' "I think I killed a man today. More later?" :''[all shudder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, well. :'''Crow''': Have you seen the outtakes for this film? :'''Mike''': No, did they show 'em on ''[[w:Bloopers and Practical Jokes|Bloopers and Practical Jokes]]''? :'''Servo''': No, uh, ''[[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death]]'', actually. ''[They all laugh.]'' Sounds like ''Miami Vice''. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think? :'''Mike''': No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the [[w:USA Network|USA network]]. :'''Servo''': Oh! The USA— ''[imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s]'' I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. ''[imitates the fanfare again]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, ''Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, that or— ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[W:Jeff Conaway|Jeff Conaway]] and [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]] play a deadly game of cat and mouse in ''Murder Most Moist''." :'''Servo''': Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[w:Judy Landers|Judy Landers]] is on the trail of a devious killer in ''Peekaboo Lace, P.I''." :'''Crow''': That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout ''[Announcer]'' "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in ''Dark Underpants''"? :'''Mike''': How about this one? ''[Announcer]'' "[[w:Lindsay Wagner|Lindsay Wagner]] is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in ''Tongue Lashing''!" :'''Crow''': I like it! :'''Servo''': Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in ''French Pistol.'' CATCH IT!" ''[as they laugh]'' This is fun! Yeah. :'''Mike''': Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in ''Death Spank''!" :'''Servo''': Ooh, good one, "''Death Spank''"! :'''Crow''': I've got a good one. How about "[[w:Chris Lemmon|Chris Lemmon]] and [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]] form a crime fighting unit in ''The Lingerie Justice Files''"? :'''Servo''': Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and [[w:Morgan Fairchild|Morgan Fairchild]] are ''The Crotchless Killers''." :'''Crow''': I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between [[w:Richard Chamberlain|Richard Chamberlain]] and [[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] in ''Tap Pant Desire''"? :'''Servo''': Nice use of Ben Vereen. :'''Mike''': I like the way you think. Try this one on. "[[w:William Devane|William Devane]] tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in ''The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders''!" :'''Servo''': Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "[[w:Lisa Hartman Black|Lisa Hartman]] is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in ''Cheek Beats''." :'''Crow''': You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in ''The Waco Panty Raid''." :'''Mike''': Um, uh, "[[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in ''Naked Came The Nude''!" :'''Servo''': "[[w:Peter Deluise|Peter Deluise]] and [[w:Tommy Tune|Tommy Tune]] are ''Cod Police''." :'''Mike''': ''[as they exit the theater]'' That was good. === [[w:Radar Secret Service|Radar Secret Service]] === ==== [[w:Last Clear Chance|Last Clear Chance]] (short) ==== :''[Title of short appears]'' :'''Servo''': Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with cars driving into a cemetery]'' :'''Crow''': Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party! :'''Servo''': Save some for me! :''[A pink car can be seen]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look, the Pepto-Bismol car. :'''Mike''': Never let this happen to you. Don't make the mistake these people made. Don't die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': I suppose I should have gone in for a few minutes... :''[The picture suddenly loses focus and moves up and down for a second]'' :'''Patrolman''': ...but I just couldn't do it. :'''Crow [as Patrolman]''': Because of the tear in the sprocket holes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': I could say goodbye from here. :'''Servo [as Patrolman]''': GOODBYE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Frank's girl Betty Hutkins was waiting for him, of course. Everyone knew they'd be getting married before too long. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': When will we be getting married? :'''Servo [as Frank Jr.]''': Before too long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Whenever there's a hazard on the road, there's usually a sign to tell you about it. Like a curve warning or a "Right Of Way" sign, "Narrow Bridge", "Signals Ahead", "Do Not Enter", "No Passing", and many others. :'''Crow''': "All Nude Girls". :'''Servo''': "Whites Only". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[growling]'' Rrrrr. :. . . :'''Patrolman''': If you haven't seen the signs... :'''Mike''': Boy, you haven't lived. :'''Patrolman''': ...this train might come as a surprise to you. :'''Servo''': The [[w:Soul Train|Sooooooooooooul Train]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': Thank you very much, Clarissa... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': They figure rules are for the other follow, not for good drivers like themselves. :'''Servo [as Patrolman]''': They're communists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As woman walks away from car]'' :'''Crow''': Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Patrolman]''': I'd tuck you in, but you're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive. :'''Crow''': Even though you don't deserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]'' :'''Patrolman''': Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often... :'''Mike''': Women drivers! ''[everyone chuckles condecsendingly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. :''[An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]'' :'''Crow''': The paid assassin cruising through town. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say-- :'''Servo''': AAAAAH! :''[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]'' :'''Servo''': That's what they say. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank Jr. arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]'' :'''Frank Jr.''': ''[Jokingly]'' I give up, officer! What's the charge? :'''Crow [as patrolman]''': Ha, ha! '''MANSLAUGHTER'''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after a long lecture on how small mistakes can lead to catastrophes, the accident approaches with Frank Jr. turning around completely in his car seat to wave at his brother behind him, and keeping this up for nearly a minute without paying any attention to the road ahead]'' :'''Servo [as Frank Jr.]''': Hey, the cop never said anything about doing intensely stupid things! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Engineer''': Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look? :'''Servo [as Ralph]''': You're deep, Ernie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours... :'''Mike [as patrolman]''': Save a place for me at your dinner table! :'''Patrolman''': ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little... :'''Servo''': ...uh-oh... :'''Patrolman''': ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother! :'''Crow''': OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED! :'''Patrolman''': Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies... :'''Servo''': He's a bad cop on the loose! :'''Patrolman''': ...and they end up a little bit DEAD! :'''Mike [as Patrolman]''': Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo:''' Hi. I'm Trooper Tom Servo. Well, I've seen it all, stared into the gapin' maw of death, and I'm here to remind you of the horror that lurks everywhere. No, don't get up. You young people can take things for granted, such as your sandwiches. Oh, I know, you're just going to eat that sandwich a little bit, with a little bit of mayo, and a little bit of hard salami. :'''Mike:''' ''[stabs himself in the eye with the corner of his sandwich]'' AAAHHHHH!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they look? :'''Servo:''' Listen, brother! Nearly forty... uh, forty percent of all accidents, represent, uh, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares? Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you. It will happen to the other guy! :'''Mike:''' ''[sticks lint into his eye]'' AAHHHHH!!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they-- ''[Mike sticks lint in his other eye and screams again]'' Why don't they look? :'''Servo:''' Well say, hot plates are sure fun! Well, they're boss! They're cool! Until... :'''Mike:''' ''[shoves the hot plate against the side of his face]'' AHHHHH!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they-- :'''Servo:''' Well why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town?! Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Pah! ''[wanders off, muttering]'' :'''Mike:''' Wow... little guy really gets into his roll, doesn't he? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' ''[as the light on the desk starts flashing]'' Oh, ah hey, wonder what the Mads want? :'''Servo:''' Oh, mad scientists! Ah, you can have a lot of fun with mad scientists, until someone loses an eye! :'''Crow:''' ''[collapses after trying to hit the button with his face several times and knocking himself out]'' ==== Radar Secret Service (movie) ==== :''[As title of movie appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Gary_Burghoff|Gary Burghoff]] goes undercover! :'''Mike''': That would explain his career for the last 10 years. === [[w:Santa Claus (1959 film)|Santa Claus]] === :''[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a mess.]'' :'''Magic Voice''': We'll be right back... I think. Noel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Open mine, Mike! Open mine! :'''Mike''': Oh, the big one! Okay. ''[He opens a box]'' Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! ''[He holds it up]'' Look at that, it says "Joike" on it. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, well, I started knitting it for [[w:Joel Robinson|the other guy]] a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.{{hnote|This refers to Joel who used to be here, but that was 5½ years ago.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]'' :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive... :. . . :''[Over Spain]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing along]'' [[w:I Will Follow Him|I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...]] :. . . :''[Over China]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' We are forced to sing... :'''Crow''': Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Boys and girls from England. :'''Crow''': ...have rotten teeth. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Japan also helps Santa. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Talented children from the Orient. :'''Crow''': ...are not here today. :'''Mike''': Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Get it on in the morning now! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Even Russia has a delegation. :'''Crow''': Currently under surveillance by the CIA. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The group from France. :'''Servo''': ...stinks to high heaven! :. . . :''[Over Germany]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Hogan's Heroes|General Burkhalter]]]''': Klink, you are a terrible singer! :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer! :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': How would you like to sing at the Russian front? :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': Well, my father was a very famous conductor...{{hnote|Werner Klemperer, who played Col. Klink, was the son of the legendary conductor Otto Klemperer. See? Sitting up to watch ''MST3K'' can be quite educational!}} :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': Shut up! :'''Mike''': I just wanna know one thing: When are [[w:Donny and Marie|Donny and Marie]] coming through the door? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Here's a happy song from Italy. :'''Servo''': ''[sings random Italian gibberish]'' :'''Crow''': So is this [[w:Italian neorealism|neorealism]]? :'''Servo [as [[w:The Godfather|Don Corleone]]]''': Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf. :'''Mike''': Okay, great. You've offended everyone now. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The islands of the Caribbean. :'''Mike''': ...have nothing to do with this movie. :'''Servo [as a Jamaican]''': Legalize [[w:Marijuana|it]], mon! :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Get Up, Stand Up|Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...]] :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina. :'''Mike''': And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now. :'''Crow''': Ho! Santa's doing [[w:Lambada|the forbidden dance]]! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The countries of Central America. :'''Mike''': ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests. :'''Servo''': Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next. :. . . :'''Crow''': Hooray! :'''Mike''': Yay! USA! Woo! :'''Narrator''': The children of the USA. :'''Crow''': ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better. :. . . :'''Narrator''': A neighborly group of children from Mexico. :'''Crow''': ...are over-accessorized. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The devil is encouraging the little girl named Lupita to steal].'' :'''Narrator''': Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry! :'''Crow''': Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator. :'''Narrator''': That's right, Lupita, put it back. :''[Lupita puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].'' :'''Crow [as mother]''': Way to defeat Satan, honey. :'''Pitch''': ''[muttering angrily to himself]'' Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses! :'''Mike''': ''[bewildered]'' Oh, don't ever do that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[cheerfully]'' Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]'' :'''Second boy''': ''[over radio]'' Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away. :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': They're on to me! Into the escape pod! <hr width="50%"/> :''[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]'' :'''Crow''': This is a ''[[w:fascism|fascist]]'' Santa! :'''Mike''': Yeah, at the end, Santa gets [[w:Benito Mussolini|hung upside down]]. :'''Servo''': Well, at least he [[w:Benito Mussolini|made the sleigh rides run on time]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I suppose ''Hell'' got an [[w:National_Endowment_for_the_Arts|NEA]] grant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': It's your new mom! ''[Crow imitates audience roaring]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lupita is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]'' :'''Mike''': Pick your refrigerator, Lupita! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several children are writing.]'' :'''Crow [as children]''': [[w:Moby-Dick|Call me Ishmael]]... [[w:Six Crises|I was born in a house my father built]]... [[w:Catch-22 (novel)|The minute Yossarian]]... :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[sings]'' [[w:Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?|I've written a letter to Daddy...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]] contests are a waste of time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My [[w:chain letter|chain letter]] scam worked! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pedro''': What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa? :'''Santa Claus''': Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol! :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': And they eat at [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't charming at all! It's creepy! :''[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head. :''[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]'' :'''Servo, Mike, and Crow''': He, he haha, hahaha, ''[laughing turns into terrified screams]'' AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!! :''[Santa is still laughing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[scared]'' What's happening?! :''[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a [[w:pentagram|pentagram]]-like symbol on the wall.]'' :'''Servo''': A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]'' :'''Servo [as African Child]''': ''[grumbling]'' Bone in my hair... I'm from ''Detroit''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky]'' I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America? :'''Servo''': [[w:Circle Pines, MN|Circle Pines]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]'' :'''Mike [as Santa]''': Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. ''[pause]'' ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho! === [[w:Teen-Age Crime Wave|Teen-Age Crime Wave]] === :''[at Jane's arraignment]'' :'''Jane''': Every word I told the judge was the truth, mama. :'''Crow''': Court-appointed parents. :'''Jane''': I didn't know what Terry and those boys were gonna do! :'''Jane's Mother''': You were out with those hoodlums. No decent girl would be seen with them. :'''Jane's Father''': Why Jane? You said you were going to the movies. You didn't say anything about being with boys you didn't even know. :'''Mike [as Jane's father]''': You're a slutty gun moll. :'''Jane''': Dad, all I did was go out on a date! :'''Crow''': Satan's play thing! :'''Jane''': I didn't know what I was getting into! She came to work and asked if I wanted to meet a nice boy! :'''Jane's Mother''': "Nice boy..." a thief. :'''Mike''': Mr. and Mrs. Bridge read her the Riot Act. :'''Jane's Mother''': ... and you'd been drinking! :'''Jane''': I wouldn't have been with him if you hadn't picked an argument with me last night! :'''Jane's Mother''': You sinned, and you'll pay for your crime, Jane. :'''Crow [as Jane's mother]''': I'll be there, front row, at your hanging! :'''Jane''': Daddy, help me, please! :'''Mike [as Jane's father]''': I'm afraid you're going down, kitten. Hard. :'''Jane''': You're my family! :'''Servo [as Jane]''': Uh... aren't you? :'''Jane's Mother''': I don't know how your father will ''ever'' face his business friends again. :'''Crow''': Well, let's ask him. He's right here. :'''Servo''': Dad? :'''Mike''': This is ''just'' like dinner at home. <hr width=50%/> :'''Female Warden''': ''[to a group of delinquent young women]'' Now this is a shower room... :'''Crow''': Let the movie begin! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Terry and Jane and broken out of the prison transport by Mike]'' :'''Terry''': Get moving, Big-Eyes. :'''Servo [as Jane]''': Okay, fatass. <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]'' :'''Mike [as an answering machine]''': This is [[w:Jim Rockford|Jim Rockford]], leave a message and I'll get back to ya. :'''Crow''': Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble! :'''Servo''': ''[starts performing ''[[w:The Rockford Files|The Rockford Files]]'' theme]'' === [[w:Village of the Giants|Village of the Giants]] === :''[The credits show "Based on ''[[w:The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth|The Food of the Gods]]'' by [[H. G. Wells]]".]'' :'''Crow''': "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English! :'''Mike''': It could be based on ''[[w:Profiles in Courage|Profiles in Courage]]!'' :'''Servo''': Oh, by [[w:Theodore Sorensen|Theodore Sorensen]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.''] :'''Servo''': He blew his hand off! :'''Crow [as Magnus Pyke]''': [[w:She Blinded Me With Science| I blinded me with science!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]'' :'''Crow''': You know, I'm starting to suspect this ''might'' be padding. :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no... :'''Mike''': No, that's real. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as one of the giant teens oversees a line of people surrendering their firearms]'' :'''Crow''': The NRA nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius (played by a young [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]'' :'''Mike''': I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see ''[[w:Willow_(film)|Willow]]''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I liked ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]'' :'''Mike''': Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I liked ''Willow''! :'''Mike''': [[w:Kevin Pollak|Kevin Pollak]]? You ''liked'' that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]'' :'''Crow''': Spiders don't growl, even that big. :'''Mike''': I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl. :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I liked ''Willow''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert I.]] :'''Servo''': That's why he made ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I '''liked''' ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! The effects in ''Willow'' were better than this! :'''Mike''': Hey, you liked ''Willow''! :'''Crow''': I&mdash; huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Genius figures out a formula to bring the giants back to their normal size]'' :'''Genius''': Wolf, I have some quite astounding news for you... :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''Willow'' sucked! :'''Crow''': Hey, now that was gratuitous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the teens find themselves back by their wrecked car after being chased out of town]'' :'''Fred''': Well, we got a long, long, long walk. :'''Offscreen voice''': Uh, beg your pardon. Are you people coming from Hainesville? :'''Crow [as the voice]''': Uh, you can call me Ray, or you can call me Ray. :'''Fred''': Yes, we're coming from Hainesville. :'''Offscreen voice''': Is that the place where they have the Goo? :'''Fred''': Yes, that's the place where they have the Goo. :'''Offscreen voice''': Thank you so much. :''[a line of short people is seen walking by the teens towards Hainesville]'' :'''Servo''': Ha. One last offensive thing to leave you with, folks. :'''Mike''': The shamed cast of ''Terror of Tiny Town'' meets the shamed cast of ''Village of the Giants''. :''[the ending title card appears]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, so... that's it?! Wasn't much of a payoff! We waited all this time for '''THAT?!''' ''[the ending credits begin to play with the all-too-familiar footage of the giant teens dancing]'' NO!!! :'''Mike, Crow, and Servo''': No, no, no! :'''Mike''': Coming back to this is like getting your face smashed into a giant turkey. :'''Crow''': Or maybe this is what it would feel like if you had rubber bands around your eyeballs. :'''Servo''': No, it's like wearing William Conrad's underpants with a balaclava! :''[the crew gags]'' :'''Mike''': It's like a lingering kiss with your bearded aunt! :'''Crow''': It's like waking up, rolling over, and seeing Jim Varney! AHHH!!! ''[runs out of the theater]'' :'''Servo''': It's like being trapped inside your own gym bag! :'''Mike''': It's like being trapped inside Jim Begg! === [[w:12 to the Moon|12 to the Moon]] === ==== [[w:Design for Dreaming|Design for Dreaming]] (short) ==== :''[The title card appears for two seconds as the gang enters.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is by Noel Coward. :''[We go straight into the story.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright... :'''Mike''': Aw, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man first appears, presenting an invitation to Motorama...]'' :'''Servo''': And Tommy Tune arrives! :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' Let me persuade you to come to the place where tomorrow meets today... :'''Crow [as Nuveena]''': A subpoena? For ''me''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nuveena arrives at Motorama...]'' :'''Mike''': Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I had a near-death experience like this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Corvette! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': ''[singing]'' I don't give a tin sh...! :'''Mystery Man''': I thought you would! :'''Crow [as Mystery Man]''': That's why I entered your head! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Pontiac, too! :'''Mike''': Man, she's a high-maintanence date! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' This Buick's a beaut! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I'll try it! :''[The shot transitions to Nuveena sitting in the driver's seat of the Buick.]'' :'''Crow''': She's gonna roll it! :''[Mike and Servo gasp]'' :. . . :'''Servo [as a voice on a loudspeaker]''': Ah, call Security to the showroom floor, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hope this is a rebuttal to ''[[w:Roger And Me|Roger And Me]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena comes out of a car carrying what looks like an umbrella in her hands.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I can hardly wait for this dream to come tru-u-u-u-ue! :'''Servo''': Oh, at least I got myself a good parking spot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena is suddenly seen in the showroom floor wearing an apron over her dress.]'' :'''Mystery Man''': Better get her into the kitchen quick! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Tater tots are burning! :'''Crow [as a teenage boy]''': Any more girls in there? :''[Mike and Crow laughs like [[w:Beavis and Butthead|Beavis and Butthead]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Kitchen of Tomorrow begins working on a cake...]'' :'''Crow''': Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In her dream, Nuveena emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Aaah! It's a salute to [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Mr. B Natural (short)|Mr. B Natural]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no, no! :''[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]'' :'''Mike''': This would be the "up" part of her [[w:Bipolar disorder|manic mood swings]], I'm guessing. :'''Crow''': Oh-ho-ho... :'''Servo''': Man, it is gonna take her ''forever'' to write this dream down. :''[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Shocked]'' Ah! Wow! :. . . :'''Mike''': I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat! :'''Crow''': Well, sometimes a sun hat is ''just'' a sun hat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena removes the cake from a futuristic oven.]'' :'''Nuveena''': My cake is ready. :'''Mike''': Uh-uh. I call no way! :'''Servo''': Uh-uh. Candles and everything... :'''Crow''': [[w:Happy Birthday, Wanda June|Happy Birthday, Wanda June]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Now in a gown, Nuveena is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:A Chorus Line|Chorus Line 2]]: [[w:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan|The Wrath]] of [[w:Chaka Khan|Chaka Khan]]''! : . . . :'''Nuveena''': Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change. :''[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]'' :'''Servo, Crow [as Crowd]''': ''Give us [[w:Cyd Charisse|Cyd Charisse]]!'' :'''Crow''': While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': [[w:Cindy Williams|Cindy Williams]] ''is'' [[w:Twyla Tharp|Twyla Tharp]] ''as'' [[w:Isadora Duncan|Isadora Duncan]] ''in'' ''The [[w:Meredith Monk|Meredith Monk]] Story: A One-Woman Show''! :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Co-starring [[w:Tom Bosley|Tom Bosley]]. :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': As [[w:Charlie's Angels|Bosley]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]'' :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows... :'''Crow''': Bonnie and Clyde's death car! :. . . :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph... :'''Crow''': Fonzie's death car. :'''Mike [as Fonzie]''': Ay. :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional. :'''Crow''': Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason. :. . . :'''Servo''': The "Closed Three Plants" car. :'''Mike''': Executive producer, Jack Philbin. :'''Crow''': The Schick electric razor car! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Costume by [[w:Capri pants|Emilio of Capri]]! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Unfettered [[Wiktionary:avarice|avarice]] by [[w:Madison Avenue|Madison Avenue]]! :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': ...in ''The Honeymooners''! :''[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]'' :'''Crow [as the cars "expression"]''': GRRR! RRRRrrrR! :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man introduces the final car shown, the Firebird II, he deliberately shushes the audience to ensure that it is "secretly" a surprise reveal.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, this is what happens when you go to a car show with [[w:Michael Crawford (actor)|Michael Crawford]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Firebird II]'' :'''Crow''': The "Extention Of My Manhood" car! :'''Mike''': Your deal with the devil is now complete. :. . . :'''Servo [as Nuveena]''': Do you have it in red? :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's a six week delivery, ma'am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. The Mystery Man points out something.]'' :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Look, dead raccoon of tomorrow. :''[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' Tomorrow... :'''Servo''': ''[singing, a la Elmer Fudd]'' [[w:What's Opera, Doc?|With my sword and magic helmet...]] :. . . :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock. :. . . :'''Crow''': Automatic freeway. You build it. :. . . :'''Mike''': Someone invent rock and roll, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America. :. . . :'''Crow''': Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, Nuveena and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]'' :'''Mike''': Look out! The bridge to the future's out! :''[They all gasp and make crash sounds as the end card appears.]'' ==== 12 to the Moon (movie) ==== :''[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]'' :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Lady! :'''Crow [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, lady! :'''Mike [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, down here, lady! :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Love this lady. :'''Mike''': She's in everything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': Doughnuts? :'''Servo''': No, no, no. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jackie Gleason|Jackie Gleason]]]''': Oh, you're ''goin' '' to the moon, all right! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow, I think ''I'm'' in this! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]'' :'''Secretary General''': At this moment... :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': I may die! :'''Secretary General''': ... over two billion people... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[w:McDonald's#Parodies in popular media|have been served]]. :'''Secretary General''': … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program. :'''Mike [as Secretary General]''': ... and my rump. :'''Secretary General''': Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[wikt:dolphin-safe|dolphin-safe]]! :'''Secretary General''': ... international territory. :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': ... and [[w:IHOP (restaurant)|House of Pancakes]]. : . . . :'''Secretary General''': God be with you. :'''Servo''': [[w:Collect#Liturgical collect|And also with you]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]'' :'''Dr. Hamid''': Allah be praised! :'''Dr. Orlov''': Praise the ship, not Allah. :'''Servo [as Hamid]''': I'll praise whoever I want, white boy. == Season 6 == === [[w:Girls Town (1959 film)|Girls Town]] === :''[Regarding [[w:Mel Tormé|Mel Tormé]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Hit him! He'll cry! : . . . :'''Mike''': He's like a youthful [[w:Star Wars|Jabba the Hutt]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]'' :'''Mike Nelson [as Chip]''': ''[screams, then pauses]'' Hey, look, a moral! ''[resumes screaming]'' : . . . :''[Chip hits the ground and dies.]'' :'''Servo [as Chip]''': Uh... call me? : . . . :''[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]'' :'''Fred''': Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip? :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': Down here! I got a crick in my neck! : . . . :'''Fred''': Chip, come on! Say something, Chip! :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': "Wuh-aughhh!" : . . . :''[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]'' :'''Mike [as Chip's corpse]''': Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Servo''': Girls Town Boys' Club welcomes you to Girls Town. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rumble breaks out. Big band music plays throughout.]'' :'''Crow''': Yes, it's teenage angst with Les Brown and his Band of Renown! :. . . :''[A girl tries to break up a fight by putting a bucket on one boy's head]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': You make sun go away. You are powerful. :. . . :''[Silver hits Chip with a pie.]'' :'''Servo''': Fight choreography by Jimmy Ben Lasen. :. . . :''[Two girls fight on the dock with oars.]'' :'''Mike''': And down goes Blaze! :. . . :'''Mike''': This is why there's no alcohol at Euro Disney. :. . . :''[A police car can be seen.]'' :'''Mike [as policeman]''': Nobody called us about the party. Over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]'' :'''Mother Veronica''': Wait for me, sister. :'''Crow [as Mother Veronica]''': If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced [[w:Paul Anka|Paul Anka]]).]'' :'''Mr. Clyde''': You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with the father of her dead ex-boyfriend]'' :'''Mr. Gardner''': I'll never understand what my son saw in you. :'''Silver''': Oh, no? ''[turns to face him]'' :'''Crow [as Silver]''': Do ''these'' explain anything? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]], steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, where should I be looking right now...? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Any... studs around here? :'''Serafina''': Any what? :'''Silver''': Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags! :'''Serafina''': Only the gardeners. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Serafina]''': And Father Fabio! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm just a lonely boy… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Why does that not surprise me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The music that rocked America… gently to sleep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Velvet Hog! {{hnote|Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, ''The Velvet Fog''.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Operator]''': Girls Town, please hold. :'''Servo [as Hold Music]''': ''[singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"]'' Our father, who art in heaven… : . . . :'''Servo [as Operator]''': All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. {{hnote|Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.}} <hr width="50%"/><!-- DO NOT CHANGE "ORchard"; THIS IS PROPER CAPITALIZATION FOR OLD-STYLE PHONE #s --> :''[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]'' :'''Silver''': Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ''ten'' times! I can't get anyone to answer! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Operator]''': Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Maybe it's time you level with me. :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': You know how we're both hot? :'''Mary Lee''': Well, you remember the night you stood Chip up? :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': Well, he was real sore when he didn't find you... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he died. :'''Mary Lee''': ... and he asked me to go in his place. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then I killed him and he died. :'''Mary Lee''': He always kept saying I was too young to go anyplace, so I went. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And I killed him and he got all dead! :'''Silver''': Oh, great. :'''Mary Lee''': It was fun at first when he only kissed me... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He wasn't then. :'''Mary Lee''': But then he... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': ...died. :'''Mary Lee''': ... he started... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': ... being killed by me... :'''Mary Lee''': ... getting too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me down on the ground... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': Right before he got dead. :'''Mary Lee''': And then... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': Rocks slipped out from under his feet... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he became killed. :'''Mary Lee''': He fell... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And he died. :'''Silver''': So ''that's'' how they found my lipstick in his car! But where'd his friend come in? :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He's not dead! :'''Mary Lee''': He saw it happen. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': He thought it was you at first... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he died. :'''Mary Lee''': ...until he saw me again. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And I killed him. :'''Silver''': And ''all'' the time, you've been letting me sit here in jailsville! :'''Mary Lee''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Silver, I tried to tell you the first time I came here! :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': ''[exaggerated sobbing]'' I TRIED TO TELL YOU THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE!!! :'''Silver''': It's all over the dam... :'''Mike [as Silver]''': I just can't believe you went out with Chip! :''[Silver begins laughing]'' :'''Mary Lee''': What are you laughing at? :'''Servo [as Silver]''': Oh, something in ''[[w:Dilbert|Dilbert]]''. Never mind. :'''Silver''': It's not over the dam, it's over the cliff! Funny, huh? :'''Mike [as Silver]''': Ah, well forget it. :'''Mary Lee''': I'm scared... Fred's trying to send me to Tijuana. :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': And trade me for a chicken. :'''Silver''': Tijuana?! :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': Maybe I can push [[w:Herb Alpert|Herb Alpert]] over a cliff... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]'' :'''Silver Morgan''': Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy! :'''Mike''': Especially since he's thirty-eight! === [[w:Invasion, U.S.A. (1952 film)|Invasion U.S.A.]] === ==== [[w:A Date with Your Family|A Date with Your Family]] (short) ==== :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] story! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, I like my family, ''as a friend''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reading a list of names in the credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': All of who are orphans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother looks inside a pot]'' :'''Narrator''': What's the matter? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[w:Fatal Attraction|THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': So they're unsuspecting when they ''kill'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': With [[w:Strychnine|strychnine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Daughter]''': Salad needs more butter, Mother! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': But not these people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': What you are watching now should have been edited in the final version. My apologies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': They're not, of course... <hr width="50%"> :''[as the boys talk with their dad]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Junior]''': Father, I had a feeling today. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Father]''': Well ''don't'', son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mother]''': Hi, I'm Betty, and I'll be your wife tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Mike, this sucks! Can we just eat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother seats Junior... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Daughter obsesses with the flowers. :'''Narrator''': ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The less said about this, the better. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Daughter]''': Dad, I'm dating a Negro! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': Please, God, take me now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Father begins passing food.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in a British accent]'' [[w:Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Field Marshall Montgomery]] sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day... :''[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]'' :'''Narrator''': They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': No, I— I'll just have Saltines. :'''Narrator''': I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Emotions are for ''ethnic'' people. :'''Narrator''': Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': I can't stress "unemotional" enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Father serves Mother first, then Daughter. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Let's go to the flowchart for this. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And be sure to make a plate for the narrator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': No one starts eating until Father has served himself. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': THIS MEANS YOU! :'''Narrator''': Always wait for the hostess... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': to seat you. :'''Narrator''': ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': I'm moving to [[w:Fire Island|Fire Island]], dear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...even as you gag on it. :''[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|This stinks!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …than having a personality. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': …and they already dislike you enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Father]''': Well, there it is. Spankings all around, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Do you? DO YOU? :'''Narrator''': And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! :'''Narrator''': When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...and control and repression. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this makes me want to heat up a [[w:Libbyland|Libbyland]] frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[waves goodbye]'' Bye-bye, everyone. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Simmel-Mervay release. ==== Invasion U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening credits...]'' :'''Mike''': Starring these people ''and'' [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]. :. . . :''[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|What, me direct?]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Control tower, request landing instructions. :'''Tom Servo [as flight controller]''': ''[irate]'' Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carla''': ''[about her work at the blood bank]'' We set a record today. :'''Vince''': You set a record with me a long time ago. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': God, I'm smooth. <hr width="50%"/> :''["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]'' :'''Sylvester''': Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. ''[...]'' Finished with your drink? :'''Carla''': Yes, but I— :'''Vince''': ''I'll'' take care of her. :'''Sylvester''': Is that the way you want it? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Carla]''': ''[suggestively]'' Vince and I are gonna make our ''own'' tank parts. === [[w:The Dead Talk Back|The Dead Talk Back]] === :''[Doing a fire drill on the SOL]'' :'''Crow''': There really is no place to go! :'''Mike''': Well, still. We gotta meet code. :'''Gypsy''': No talking in line! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[playing as hard-boiled detective and attempting to interrogate Mike]'' Hello, Nelson. Say, y'know, I kinda like this movie. I'm intrigued by the whole interrogation idea. '''''So siddown!''' I wanna ask you a few questions!'' If you are who you say you are. And I wanna know what you did and what happened. No hurry; we've got all the time in the world. :'''Frank''': ''[suddenly shouting]'' I did it! I did it! I did it!! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Did '''''what''''', Frank? :'''Frank''': '''Everything!''' [[w:Dallas (TV series)|I shot J.R!]] [[w:The Beatniks (film)|I killed that fat barkeep!]] [[w:Frusen_Glädjé|I ate all the Frusen Glädjé!]] And y'know what? I'm glad I did it! Glad, I tell ya! ''Glad!! [maniacal laughter]'' ==== [[w:The Selling Wizard|The Selling Wizard]] (short) ==== :''[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]'' :'''Narrator''': You, the ice cream manufacturer. :'''Crow''': Up against the wall! Spread 'em! :'''Narrator''': You... :'''Mike''': Me? :'''Narrator''': ...the frozen food distributor. :'''Servo''': [[w:Ben and Jerry's|Ben and Jerry]] before Woodstock. :'''Narrator''': And you, the food retailer. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': These three people will square off against— <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, today's problem is merchandising... :'''Mike''': Over '''three''' kinds of vanilla! :'''Narrator''': ...to sell in high volume, for high profit. :'''Crow''': For high people. :''[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]'' :'''Narrator''': Frozen products are impulse items... :'''Servo''': I'll take it, I'll take it! :'''Narrator''': And impulse buying is primarily... :'''Mike''': Women's fault. :''[The stack suddenly drops]'' :'''Narrator''': ...an emotional decision. :'''Crow''': The market crashed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]'' :'''Narrator''': Manufacturers spend millions on package design. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yet, this is the result. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard. :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in heaven? :'''Crow''': ''[as the lights finish]'' Rip-off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': It's a little big; I just want a hotplate! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard? :'''Servo''': Bosoms! :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :'''Crow''': Or "S. A. S." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling. :'''Servo''': Just one glance, don't look back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noticing a box in the freezer]'' :'''Mike''': This is frozen ''cotton''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range. :'''Servo''': GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME! :'''Narrator''': They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity. :'''Crow''': But don't put your tongue on it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee. :'''Narrator''': Gentlemen! If you please! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': You filthy degenerates! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, on every count... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Guilty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Next step, open a grocery store. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This freezer rules! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]'' :'''Narrator''': This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet... :'''Mike''': ...makes no sense. :. . . :'''Crow''': (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car. :. . . :'''Mike''': (singing) ''And it comes out here...'' :. . . :'''Servo''': WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Every cabinet designed with your needs in mind. :'''Crow''': But I need a stove. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity... :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Bodies stack easily. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Once again, outstanding features that Anheuser... [film skip] ...that make for a real selling wizard. :'''Mike [as Woody Allen]''': Y'know, I think I'll just buy a thermos. :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :''[Servo and Mike start humming [[w:Holiday_for_Strings_(song)|Holiday for Strings]]]'' :'''Narrator''': The kind of design that beckons customers to see and reach for frozen products. :'''Crow [as Professor E.C. Buehler, from ''Speech: Using Your Voice'']''': Plenty of lip and tongue action. :'''Narrator''': Space saving capacity, that gives maximum storage and selling use of every inch of space. :'''Mike''': Meanwhile, the Soviets were launching Sputnik. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': And remember to buy Ed McMahon's [[w:Budweiser|Budweiser]] ice cream. :'''All''': Hi-yo! :'''Mike''': [[w:Leni Riefenstahl|Leni Riefenstahl]]'s most powerful film. :'''Servo''': Hi-yo! ==== The Dead Talk Back (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[as a TV announcer]'' Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a night scene illuminated by a single dim spot light:]'' :'''Crow''': The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights. :'''Servo [as cinematographer]''': C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left! :'''Mike''': Probably blew their budget on those bongo players. I just said a lot of B's. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a driver tries unsuccessfully to start their car]'' :'''Crow''': With 34 cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood. :'''Servo''': She's flooding the radio. :''[As a man in a trench coat runs towards the car]'' :'''Mike''': And Creepy [[w:American Automobile Association|Triple-A]] is there. :'''Crow [as driver]''': Maybe this isn't my car. :'''Servo''': Geez, not since ''Moonraker'' has there been an exciting opening sequence. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker introduces himself]'' :'''Krasker''': Have you been hearing some weird stories recently? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': About Chuck Berry? :'''Krasker''': About telepathy? :'''Crow''': I knew you were going to say that. :'''Krasker''': The fourth dimension? :'''Servo''': Or Marilyn McCoo? :'''Krasker''': Or ghosts? :'''Mike''': Hmm, no, it doesn't ring a bell. We must have the wrong movie. :'''Krasker''': The case that I'm working on at the present time involves a little of each. :'''Crow''': Hang on a sec here, I've got this one thing. :'''Krasker''': Me? :'''Mike''': You? :'''Krasker''': Who am I? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Frankly I've forgotten. :'''Krasker''': I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. ''[softly]'' Mike, help me! :'''Krasker''': My philosophy? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Lots of leather. :'''Krasker'''; Metaphysics. What is metaphysics? :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': [[w:Teen_Talk_Barbie#Controversy|It's really hard.]] :'''Krasker''': There's a long, complicated explanation to that question. :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Which he'll be happy to give us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krasker''': Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over? :'''Servo''': Quit squirming. :'''Krasker''': Why just think! We could find lost articles... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Coupons! :'''Krasker''': Treasures... Gold mines... :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': You're not buying any of this, are you? :'''Krasker''': We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': I'm so lonely... ''[sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker switches on his radio for talking to the dead:]'' :'''Krasker''': It takes a while for... temperature attunement. :'''Crow''': Uh-huh... :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Krasker''': Warming up. :'''Crow''': Sure. :'''Krasker''': We'll try it again later. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift... :'''Krasker''': The problem of communicating with the... departed... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Is that they're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, full bookshelf stands against the far wall:]'' :'''Mike [as officer]''': Ya look at that? All the books Joyce Carol Oates published last month. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of crossbow being fired]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Poison Arrow|Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After discarding a pair of shoes, a suspect drives off in a 1960's Volkswagen Bug:]'' :'''Servo [as suspect]''': The heater never works in this thing. Starts well, though... :'''Crow''': One thing about this getaway? Great gas mileage. :'''Servo''': Zero to sixty... in about an hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]'' :'''Servo''': Is someone purring? :''[Crow looks around for a bit]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass as a "receiver"]'' :'''Krasker''': Tell us who you are. It's important that we know. :'''Mike''': To talk to the dead, press one. If you'd like the Ethereum, the Imperium, or the Emerald Beyond, please hold. :'''Woman''': I can't hear it clearly&mdash; :'''Servo''': That's because it's a '''''RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance]'' :'''Crow [as Krasker/[[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]]]''': And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was ''split''! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim... <hr width="50%"/> :''[the horn that is part of Krasker's machine for the seance blares, startling Mike and the bots]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, my ride's here! :'''Crow''': Reneé('s spirit) must love Jesus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead! === [[w:Zombie Nightmare|Zombie Nightmare]] === :''[The opening credits identify the [[w: heavy metal|heavy metal]] bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: [[w:Motorhead|Motorhead]]...]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of [[w:Cole Porter|Cole Porter]] tunes! :''[...[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]]...]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, that's ''Woman''school? :''[...[[w:Thor|Thor]]...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[lisping]'' Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth. :''[...[[w:Deathmask|Deathmask]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party! :''[...and [[w:Fist|Fist]].]'' :'''Servo''': And I saw Fist when they opened for [[w:Badfinger|Badfinger]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Before the car hits Tony]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo |Servo]]''': Don't worry, his ''area'' will protect him! :''[Tony gets hit by car]'' :'''Servo''': ...Or not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': I used to like you when you were a Caped Crusader, even better than Darth Vader. But then you were the best, but now you are like all the rest. That's all, so see you later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]'' :'''Mike [as one of the teens]''': I think we hit a moose! :'''Crow [as one of the teens]''': ''[hysterical]'' ''C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot| Crow]]''': [[w:Dead Skunk|There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road]]! Dead boy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]'' :'''Bobby''': Hey, what's the matter? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': This [[w:Kansas (band)|Kansas]] song just makes me so sad! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim''': What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]'' :'''Crow [as Tony]''': Must... register... for... semester! :. . . :''[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Damn radiator! :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by [[w:John Cage|John Cage]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]'' :'''Servo''': [[Airplane!|The ''dead'' Zone is for loading and unloading only...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[When [[w:Adam West|Adam West]] first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]'' :'''Servo [as ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' TV announcer]''': What's ''this''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was [[w:Tim Burton|Tim Burton]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Sorrell''': ''[on the issue of Bobby's murder]'' The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it! :'''Capt. Churchman''': Maybe James Earl has a great batting average. :'''Servo''': But it's the [[w: Run batted in|R.B.Is]] that count, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]'' :'''Crow''': Y'know, ironically, they were only able to [[w:Al Capone|bust the zombie for tax evasion!]] ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hal Needham|Hal Needham]] was brought in to direct this scene. :''[The car drives off the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': And that's it. === [[w:Colossus and the Headhunters|Colossus and the Headhunters]] === :''[Our hero [[w:Maciste|Maciste]] (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]'' :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': I leave you alone for ''one hour—!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': What is your name? :'''Maciste''': Maciste, and yours? :'''Crow''': ''[holding back laughter]'' ''Cheese''steak? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]'' :'''Crow''': Hmm... the camera operator is ''indulging'' himself here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time! :'''Maciste''': Land! Land! :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': It would be really great if we found some land! :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[snickering]'' Luckily, this was before death had been invented. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]'' :'''Crow [as Maciste]''': ''[wearily]'' Hey, look, my island blew up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh no! It's a horrible drop into... :''[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh. Heh. :. . . :''[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]'' :'''Servo [as soldier]''': Hey, this is fun! Whoopee! :'''Mike''': And thus, [[w:synchronized swimming|synchronized swimming]] was invented! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]'' :'''Kermes''': The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance. :'''Mike''': Pssh! ''He's'' talking about fragile shoulders. :'''Kermes''': Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty... :'''Servo''': And pants! :'''Kermes''': And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess. :'''Crow''': Well, at least you're not pompous. : . . . :'''Kermes''': That is why you and I will rule together with me as your... :'''Servo''': Dun-dun-dun! :'''Kermes''': ...advisor. :'''Crow''': Huh?! : . . . :''[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fight scene has broken out.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa demands that a dance be performed before her wedding as a stalling tactic... and the dance is really, really bad.]'' :'''Servo''': Now ''this'' will anger the gods! : . . . :''[The not very good dance goes on and on.]'' :'''Mike''': So... the director has a girlfriend. :'''Crow''': Apparently! : . . . :'''Crow''': This is history's first awkward moment. :'''Mike''': ''[dramatically]'' For the first time, people don't know where to look. : . . . :'''Crow [as the blind King]''': I think it's pretty good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]'' :'''Mike''': Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': ''[Lisping.]'' I caught you, you bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]'' :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': Wow, those sharp things really work! : . . . :'''Servo''': And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally ''does'' something! === [[w:The Creeping Terror|The Creeping Terror]] === :'''Crow''': ''[while the crew indulges in a coffee shop setting scenario, trying to avoid coming off as pretentious]'' It's definitely not working. ... ''[in a snobby tone]'' I've been recording my life in pastel! :'''Servo''': The only question worth asking is "What am '''I''' going through right now?". :'''Gypsy''': ''[as a in-house guitarist, towards Mike]'' You- the white male- are my personal oppressor. Oh my! :'''Crow''': Yes, she is so great! I saw her one-woman show; her soul cried out to me. :'''Gypsy''': So I'll take my rage, and box it up, and take it out with the trash! :'''Mike''': Thanks a lot, Dr. Forrester; see what you've done? You turned my friends into a bunch of self-absorbed poseurs! :'''Gypsy''': A white male middle-class power holder would say '''that''', Mike! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank and Dr. Forrester are doing laundry in Deep 13]'' :'''Frank''': I'll show you some real Creeping Terrors... these grass stains! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[while he and Mike stage a parody vignette of "[[w:Love, American Style|Love, American Style]]", holding a wedding ring]'' Well, I'm finally going to propose to Debbie! :'''Mike''': That's great; let's see the ring. ''[puts it on his finger, and it gets stuck]'' The ring's stuck! :'''Servo''': I guess '''we'll''' have to get married! ''[chuckles as he and Mike kiss]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Servo has appeared to have Gypsy devour him, and Crow is halfway inside her mouth]'' :'''Crow''': Here I come, Tommy! :'''Servo''': Okay, buddy. Slide right down! :'''Mike''': Crow! What in the world are you doing?! ''[Mike pulls Crow out of Gypsy's mouth]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, hey! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! OW! Right on my hip! :'''Mike''': Come on up here! :'''Gypsy''': Thanks, Mike. I hope you don't think that was my idea. :'''Mike''': No, I think I know whose idea it was. ''[peeks inside Gypsy's mouth]'' Hey, Tom! :'''Servo''': Hey, Mike! See if you can get her to swallow you. It's really neat! :'''Gypsy''': ''[embarrassed]'' Oh, This is so embarrassing... I don't look fat, do I?... :'''Mike''': No, Gypsy. You don't look fat. You're a little lumpy, maybe, but not fat. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, this is embarrassing... :'''Servo''': Come on! Hop in and experience the alimentary canal in action. It's the ultimate trip! :'''Mike''': Uh, no thanks. I think I'll pass. Anyway, we got letters to read here. :'''Gypsy''': You know, Mike, I don't feel very well all of the sudden. I think I'm getting allergic to Tom... :'''Crow''': Join the club, Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': I think I'll go get a tissue... ''[slowly slithers away]'' ==== The Creeping Terror (film) ==== :''[of the opening title's stylized spiraling background''] :'''Mike''': Who left their hair in the sink? :'''Servo''': Things I can do with my spirograph! :'''Crow''': When spiders drink too much. . . . :'''Crow''': Well, it's nothing a fine-toothed comb wouldn't take care of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]'' :'''Sheriff Ben''': It could be one of our missiles. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Martin]''': This county has missiles, sir? <hr width="50%"/> :[''The carpet/alien is "devouring" a screaming woman, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth''] :'''Mike [as Alien]''': Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in... :'''Crow [as Alien]''': I can't believe I ate the ''whole'' thing! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Alien/Carl Denham]'' [[King Kong (1933 film)|'Twas Beauty fed the Beast]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': ''[checking her baby who is seen crying in their crib]'' Poor baby; let mommy take your temperature. :'''Crow''': ''[as baby]'' No! Get lost! :'''Servo''': Uh, I don't I wanna see what's about to happen. :'''Crow''': ''[as baby; while the woman grabs a rectal thermometer]'' Wait, you're gonna put that '''where'''?! I'm not sick; I'm fine! Look, I'm feeling better! :'''Mike''': ''[as baby after getting checked]'' Owwww, you'll pay for this! :'''Woman''': Poor baby; you'll feel better soon. :'''Mike''': What about picking him up, or feeding him? :'''Servo''': ''[as woman]'' That's done. Now I have the whole day to myself! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]'' :'''Crow''': When [[w:Tom Wolfe#The white suit|Tom Wolfe's]] wife does the laundry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]'' :'''Servo''': Let the current take you away! '''''SWIIIIM!''''' :'''Mike''': And the world has one less Santa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at a formal dance, the alien appears and numerous women scream in terror]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as the Alien]'' I know, it's a cheap suit; but it's all I had. :'''Servo''': ''[as the Alien]'' Why is everybody lookin' at me? :'''Woman''': ''[flatly exclaiming]'' My God; what is it?! :''[Crow, Servo, and Mike all break out laughing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as the Alien]'' "What's that say? 'Lover's Lane: Eight miles'?! AWWWW!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …to a sold-out crowd! :'''Narrator''': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And those who did ''not'' survive such a catastrophe ''also'' would not go there again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the monster eats a couple, which looks like it was humping a car afterwards]'' :'''Crow''': He's mistaken the car for a lady monster! Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, there's ''bullets'' in the other end of that thing! === [[w:Bloodlust!|Bloodlust!]] === :'''Gypsy''': ''[of Pearl Forrester's influence on Clay]'' Now I understand why he's so sick! Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with 'bitch'! Oh, I mean 'witch'! :'''Servo''': She said the word! Gypsy's in trouble; Gypsy's in trouble! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's ''Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party''— :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''I'' did it! :'''[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]], Servo, [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': CROW! ==== Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short) ==== :'''Mike''': Is [[w:Velveeta|Velveeta]] a member of the National Dairy Council? :'''Servo''': No, Velveeta's a splinter group. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': I ''thought'' I smelled something! :'''Servo''': Yes, the farm of secrets and lies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': This is a story about the summer George and Betty spent on Uncle Jim's dairy farm. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': A cautionary tale. :'''Narrator''': George and Betty are both excited because this is a very special trip. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're dropping off the kids and never coming back. :'''Narrator''': But they're not a bit more excited than Andy and Jane, who live on the farm. :'''Mike''': Poor saps. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids take turns ringing a bell to call Jim.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, yes, the bell signals a nuclear attack in these parts. :'''Crow''': Well, now they have nothing to look forward to! :'''Servo [as George]''': I never want this day to end! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an ''edgy'' man who should not be riled. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As grain pours out of a spout]'' :'''Servo [as Uncle Jim]''': See? We dump this stuff in the creek and the government pays us for it. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': I just saw a finger! :'''Mike [as George]''': ''[whining]'' Can we go home? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids are playing in the hayloft]'' :'''Servo''': Now Junior Samples and Lulubelle make their appearance. :'''Crow''': '''OW, MY SPINE!''' :'''Mike [as Andy]''': I don't think cause my doctor-- I'm frail and I have allergies-- but if you really want me to... :'''Servo [as Andy]''': OW, I FOUND A PITCHFORK! :'''Crow''': All the commotion provokes a bull snake resting in the hay. :'''Mike [as George]''': I gotta be careful of my new jeans 'cause I got them at [[w:Pamida|Pamida]]. :'''Servo''': Tonight on ESPN2, hayloft rope swinging. :'''Mike''': You'd better watch, 'cause it might happen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Day after life-sucking day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Betty and Jane play with baby chicks]'' :'''Narrator''': Baby chicks, too... :'''Mike''': Hey, they're women-- oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[George and Andy are playing with the family dog in an open field]'' On the farm, a big dog has plenty of room to run and play. But he's more than a pet; he also protects the family... :'''Servo''': ''[as Narrator]'' From rival farm gangs! :'''Narrator''': ''[as the dog's puppies come scampering from behind]'' But all the puppies have to do is eat and play and sleep so they can grow up strong and healthy. :'''Servo''': ''[gushing over the puppies]'' Awww, puppy! Look at 'em; little Humphrey, little Humphrey! {{hnote|Referring to staff member and Servo's puppeteer Kevin Murphy's own dog Humphrey}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As everyone has dinner]'' :'''Narrator''': Living on a farm makes you hungry and aunt Helen certainly is a good cook. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Given her limitations. :'''Crow''': Jerry Lee Lewis joins the family for dinner. :'''Mike''': Ah, yes, now's the time for Uncle Jim's fundamentalist dogma. :'''Servo [as Betty]''': But I don't like food! :'''Narrator''': Look at all the wonderful things to eat. :'''Crow''': At restaurants. :'''Narrator''': It takes all kinds of food to build up muscles and let us bigger and stronger. :'''Mike''': Mostly just butter. :'''Servo''': Susie drains the last of her Dirty Banana. :'''Crow [as Jane]''': That's why I'm burning my bra. :'''Mike''': Repressed emotions help the evening pass without incident. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rooster crows and the girls wake up in their bunk bed]'' :'''Servo''': Three hours later, it's up again. :'''Crow''': Back home, a Hershey's truck has overturned and everyone is getting all the free chocolate they want. :'''Mike [as Betty]''': Uncle Jim's out of control. We [[w:Frag_%28military%29|frag]] him today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Mmm, good white, hearty white bread for white, white people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': As the summer passed, everything seemed to grow. The corn was knee high on George when he came. Now it's taller than he is. :'''Servo''': George is clearly shrinking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The summer is over, and George and Betty are waiting for their parents to take them back to the city. :'''Mike and Crow [as George and Jane]''': FREEDOM! :''[Their parents drive up to the farm]'' :'''Servo [as George and Jane's father]''': Just throw them their winter clothes and then floor it! :'''Crow [as George]''': Hey, they're driving right by-- Wait! Wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with everyone waving as they drive off]'' :'''Crow [as Uncle Jim]''': Goodbye! We'll send you that arm if we find it! :'''Mike [as George]''': So long, you corn-shucking suckers! ==== Bloodlust! (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Servo''': The story of Wisconsin sausage. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]'' :'''Mike [as the skull]''': ''[muffled and sarcastically]'' Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!" <hr width="50%"/> :[''In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended''] :'''Mike [as Al Jolson]''': ''[singing]'' Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I ''don't like'' the villain! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Balleau''': [''towards Tony''] Tony; I have reconsidered. :'''Mike''': [''as Balleau, shooting Tony in the stomach with a crossbow bolt''] John Steinbeck in [[Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Murder]]. :'''Tom Servo''': [''as Tony screams in pain and dies''] Rail! Rail against the dying of the- <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", ''then'' this would be ironic. === [[w:Code Name: Diamond Head|Code Name: Diamond Head]] === :''[Magic Voice and Cambot present to Crow and Servo a hypothetical vision of what life on the Satellite would be like if Mike wasn't nice]'' :'''Mike''': ''[to Crow and Servo; dressed like and acting like a strict Boy Scout chief]'' I suppose you think you're bein' a smart aleck, don't you mister? Well, I'll tell you something; I'll wipe that smile right off your face! :'''Crow''': Hey; we were just reading- :'''Mike''': ''[hits Crow with a magazine he confiscated from him]'' Shut your pie hole! I know a thing or two about a thing or two; I'm not gonna take any lip from you two, I'll tell you that right now! :'''Servo''': But we didn't- ''[gets hit by Mike and starts crying]'' :'''Mike''': I'm not gonna raise any sissies around here; you guys got it easy! Look at this (soda) pop; is it done? Look at it! ''[jams the soda cans into Servo's and Crow's faces]'' Now '''that's''' a done pop! :'''Servo''': ''[unnerved, from outside the monitor simulation]'' Okay, Cambot; we've seen enough! :'''Crow''': Turn it off; '''''TURN IT OFF'''''!!! ==== A Day at the Fair (short) ==== :''[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I didn't finish! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very beginning of the short]'' :'''Narrator''': This is the fairground, where the fair is held. :'''Servo''': Any questions so far? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator/Barker]''': Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! {{hnote|Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for The Price is Right.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny goes first to see the fish. :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I like fish... :'''Narrator''': Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home. :'''Mike''': Well, see, they ''were'' in the creek, but they've been ''caught'' and that's why they're ''here''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Later, these moths turn up [[w:Buffalo Bill (The Silence of the Lambs)|in the mouths of Bob's victims!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a collection of pickle jars]'' :'''Servo''': Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races! :''[The short cuts to a new scene]'' :'''Narrator''': What's this? :'''Crow''': EVIL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': Judging cakes oughta be fun. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': First, she ''feels'' the cake... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...then she rubs it into her hair... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]'' :'''Mike [as Mr. Olsen]''': Let's go eat something gray. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]'' :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! ''Waaait''... :. . . :'''Narrator''': Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings! :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' What, tinsel, little lights? :'''Servo''': This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': [[w:Grazing_in_the_Grass#The_Friends_of_Distinction_version|Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bob]''': Where's the corn go? :'''Narrator''': Wonder what it would be like to fly it? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. {{hnote|American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harness races at the grandstand]'' :'''Crow [as horse]''': Get the car! There's carrots in the car! :'''Servo [as horse]''': Carrots? I love carrots! :. . . :'''Mike''': A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three! :'''Crow''': ''[quietly, as if off in distance]'' ''Aiieee''... :'''Servo''': Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh? :. . . :'''Narrator''': They're into the curb. :'''Servo''': And they're into jazz. :'''Crow [as boy]''': Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya! :. . . :''[One horse is way behind.]'' :'''Mike [as horse]''': Uh, hey guys, wait up! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The race is over. :'''Crow''': And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage. :'''Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]''' ''Elvira...'' :''[Fade to the next scene]'' :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]'' :'''Narrator''': Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The cows are furious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Narrator''': Too soon, the rides are over. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The lawsuts begin. :'''Narrator''': And too soon, all the fun comes to an end. :. . . :'''Crow [as one of the Olsons]''': You spent your nickel, we're done. ==== Code Name: Diamond Head (movie) ==== :''[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to&mdash; :''[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]'' :'''Mike, Servo, & Crow''': AAAAAAAAH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This is so almost ''Mitchell''. :'''Crow''': It's about fifty pounds short of ''Mitchell''. === [[w:The Skydivers|The Skydivers]] === ==== Why Study Industrial Arts? (short) ==== :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Because you're bad at math? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is a Centron production.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, Centron! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[after several seconds of silence]'' Depressed yet? :'''Joe [voiceover]''': You know, it's fun to have an idea. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': There, wasn't that fun? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]'' :'''Joe''': And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': ''[luridly]'' ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood... :'''Joe''': I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': ''[nervously]'' I put them in my underwear! :'''Joe''': ...the bright glare of a welder... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw! :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Yes! :'''Joe''': ...the sharp whine of the power tools… :'''Mike [as Joe]''': ...the piercing scream of a freshman… :'''Joe''': ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep ''Popular Mechanics'' under my mattress! :'''Servo''': The feeling of chaps with no pants! :'''Joe''': ...A wrench... :'''Mike''': Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER! :'''Joe''': ...A plane... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[haltingly]'' These tools are my friends! :'''Joe''': ...or a chisel... :'''Servo''': What about girls young man? Girls? :'''Mike''': No, no, chisels! :'''Joe''': And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': And not a killer! :'''Joe''': Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Then they pants you and drag you around the track… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]'' :'''Joe's buddy''': Wow, you made this? :'''Mike [as Joe]''': I'm making it for the [[w:Ku Klux Klan|Grand Wizard]]. :'''Joe's buddy''': Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store. :'''Joe''': It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it. :'''Joe's buddy''': Kinda slow, huh? :'''Joe''': Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe's buddy''': How'd ya like this shop class, Joe? :'''Joe''': I like it swell. Why? :''[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]'' :'''Servo [as Joe's buddy]''': Could you staple my ears back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] carpenters. :'''Servo [as Mr. Barnes]''': ''[woodenly]'' We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others. :. . . :''[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] foundry men. :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''Oh, you never would believe where those [[w:Keebler|Keebler]] cookies come from...'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': Tool operators. :'''Crow''', '''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Tool operator . . . [[w:Smooth Operator|tooooooool operator]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Crow''': This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch [[w: The_Story_of_Menstruation|the ''other'' film]]! ==== The Skydivers (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits list over three dozen actors.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Is Frankie here? :'''Beth''': Frankie's not here. :'''Mike''': [[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie goes to Hollywood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': Would you like some coffee? :'''Joe Moss''': Coffee? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Joe]''': What is this "coffee"? :'''Joe Moss''': ''[stiltedly]'' I ''like'' coffee! :'''Beth''': Well, good! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character. :. . . :''[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': Where ''is'' it, your "coffee"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[[w:Terror in the Sky|Terror at Sea-level]]''. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[giggling]'' More terrifying than ''[[w:Airport '77|Airport '77]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]'' :'''Harry''': What happened? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Beth]''': I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Beth looks on as Harry [played by [[w:Anthony Cardoza|Tony Cardoza]]] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]'' :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony. :'''Harry''': Bob, you ready? :'''Bob''': ''[off-camera]'' Sure, Harry! :''[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—! :'''Mike''': ''[sputters unintelligibly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Someone with [[w:Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder|attention deficit disorder]] edited this film. : . . . :''[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]'' :'''Crow''': What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your ''head''? :'''Mike''': Generic Plane. ''Cheaper'' than other planes. : . . . :''[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]'' :'''Crow''': Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for ''you''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]'' :'''Mike''': Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies. : . . . :'''Servo [as Suzy]''': I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion. :'''Suzy''': Will I see you tomorrow? :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Uh, you have to ask the editor. :'''Harry''': ''[monotone]'' No... not tomorrow. :'''Crow [as Harry]''': I have a headache... tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, she's setting up for a [[w:séance|séance]]. :'''Crow''': They're going to invoke the spirit of the [[w:Continuity (fiction)|continuity]] man. : . . . :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Dinner isn't ''white'' enough, honey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs. :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': What if I don't bring 'em with me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernie''': I feel real ''free'' in that wild blue sky. :'''Crow [as Bernie]''': Cops can't touch me ''up there''. :'''Bernie''': ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there. :'''Mike [as Bernie]''': Poopin' on people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]'' :'''Mike''': Seems like they forgot to have things ''happen'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]'' :'''Crow''': Two zips and we're naked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]'' :'''Crow''': He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Well, Frankie, are you chicken? :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]'' :'''Mike''': This isn't ''[[The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''; it's just... some ''stuff''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[muttering]'' I see me a hippie. ''[shouting]'' Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]'' :'''Crow''': A stranger comes to town, touches ''nobody's'' life, and leaves. : . . . :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Now I can do what I ''really'' want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. [[w:What Color is Your Parachute?|What color ''is'' my parachute?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A guitarist resembles [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]]]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's [[w:Amon Göth|Amon Göth]] on guitar! {{hnote|Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]'' :'''Crow [as pilot]''': Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky? === [[w:The Violent Years|The Violent Years]] === <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.]'' :'''Servo''': Ta-da! :'''Mike''': '''WHOA!!''' :'''Crow : ''[horrified]'' '''''WHOA, WHOA!!!''''' ''[Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]'' :'''Servo''': Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man! :'''Gypsy''': ''[horrified]'' '''''I FEEL ILL!!!''''' ''[Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]'' :'''Servo''': I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head! :'''Mike''': Ha ha ha ha... '''''GET HIM!''''' ''[Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and Crow are reenacting the gas station hold-up from movie, confusing Tom and Gypsy.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oh, what are they doin'? :'''Servo''': I think they're recreating the gas station hold up from the movie. :'''Gypsy''': Oh... :''[Crow and Mike stand very still, not moving. Gypsy yawns]'' :'''Gypsy''': Uh, Tom? :'''Tom Servo''': Huh? :'''Gypsy''': Was it exciting in the movie? :'''Tom Servo''': Nope. :'''Gypsy''': Well, was it funny? :'''Tom Servo''': Nope. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd better read a letter, huh? ==== Young Man's Fancy (short) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short begins, Judy is ironing while listening to the radio.]'' :'''Mike''': She's listening to her to dehumidifier. :'''Servo''': Yes, teens dig lush orchestral arrangements. :'''Radio Announcer''': 12 o'clock and time for the headlines of the latest news of the day. According to the latest bulletins-- ''[Judy turns off the radio]'' :'''Crow [as Radio Announcer]''': Ironing can be deadly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]'' :'''Judy''': Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this. :'''Mike''': Yeah, evidently. :'''Mrs. Adams''': Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you. :'''Judy''': Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy primps in front of a mirror.]'' :'''Mike [as Judy]''': There. Now I look like Mom. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Thank goodness for my electric dress! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, the electric phone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]'' :'''Judy''': Did he arrive? Man, he's positively ''frantic''! :'''Servo [as Judy]''': He runs around screaming! :. . . :'''Judy''': And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, ''squishy''! :'''Crow [as the person on the phone]''': Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]'' :'''Mrs. Adams''': There. Nothing to it. :'''Servo''': AND IT'S QUIET, TOO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]'' :'''Crow''': Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is ''psychotic?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]'' :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[coughs]'' OH DEAR! :'''Judy''': Oh, ''me''! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Did I call that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]'' :'''Alex''': There we are. :'''Mike [as Alex]''': God, you're ''dumb''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome|Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing? :'''Judy''': Dancing? Oh, Alex, how ''dreamy''! :''[Crow begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the closing credits]'' :'''Servo''': This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd! :'''Mike''': And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom. ==== The Violent Years (movie) ==== :''[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]'' :'''Mike''': Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: [[w:Ed Wood|Ed Wood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]'' :'''Mike''': She died like she lived... failing algebra. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the off-screen male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]'' :'''Crow''': ''Refuses to Press Charges!'' :'''Servo''': ''Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"'' :'''Mike''': ''Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police car is searching for the girl gang]'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''You said ''you'' knew where the chase was!'' :'''Crow''' [as a cop]: ''No, you said ''you'' knew where it was!'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''Well, I never!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime... :'''Mike''': We don't! Can we go? === [[w:Last of the Wild Horses|Last of the Wild Horses]] === :''[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Uh sure, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': I said Coke. :'''Crow''': I know, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': All I have is Coke. :'''Crow''': Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler. :'''Servo''': Okay. Huh? :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie. :'''Servo''': We are. :'''Crow''': And a show? :'''Servo''': No! :'''Crow''': Then why did you say we're going to a show? :'''Servo''': Because we are! :'''Crow''': What show? :'''Servo''': [[w:Awakenings (film)|''Awakenings'']]. :'''Crow''': That's a movie! :'''Servo''': I know! ''[sighs]'' Are you going to come with? :'''Crow''': Come with what? :'''Servo''': Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?! :'''Crow''': Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you ''borrow me'' some money? :'''Mike''': Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity. :'''Crow''': But Mike, irregardless of that fact... : . . . :'''Crow''': So what time's dinner? :'''Servo''': Noon okay? :'''Crow''': But that's lunch! :'''Servo''': Lunch, dinner, same thing. :''[The Mad's light flashes]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there. :'''Crow''': Ooh, the blinker! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, you're getting too big for that! :'''TV's Frank''': Aw, it's my favorite part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[reacting to the alternate versions' of Frank and Forrester performing "Joey the Lemur"]'' THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED HAVING MY WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT! :'''Servo''': This is horrible; there are no lemurs in this movie! ''[flees while he and Gypsy scream in horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]'' :'''[[w:TV's Frank|Frank]]''': You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink! :. . . :''[The credits identify [[w:Albert Glasser|Albert Glasser]] as the film's score composer.]'' :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Forrester]]''': Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and ''pummels'' you with music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Storyteller]''': Ungodly coincidences of the Old West. :''[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]'' :'''Riley''': He dropped something. See what it is. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Riley]''': It's a [[w:Plot device|plot device]]. It's very flimsy, so ''be careful''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]'' :'''Mike [as Riley]''': Ooh! [[wikt:needle in a haystack|Found the needle!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:I Fought The Law|I fought the loft and the loft won.]] === [[w:The Starfighters|The Starfighters]] === :''[over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:Sean Penn|Sean Penn]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, [[w:Christo|Christo's]] latest installa—oh good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': We're gonna bomb 'em back to the Jazz Age! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lyons]''': Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lyons]''': Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Do you know, flying a plane is like making love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Maj. Stevens]''': Uh, you have to pay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Colonel Hunt speaking. :'''Wikowski''': Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hunt]''': Sarah? :'''Col. Hunt''': Who's this? :'''Wikowski''': Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski]''': I sell paneling. :'''Wikowski''': I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago. :'''Col. Hunt''': ''[suddenly smiling]'' Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And his face springs into action! :'''Col. Hunt''': I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you. :'''Wikowski''': Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Wikowski]''': Perhaps dinner... :'''Wikowski''': We have a bit in common, you see... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski/[[w:Liberace|Liberace]]]''': My brother George... :'''Wikowski''': You remember flying in the [[w:European Theater of Operations|ETO]] together, 20 years ago? :'''Col. Hunt''': Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir. :'''Wikowski''': Yes, I suppose so. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to Mike, mishearing]'' They were in [[w:Bachman-Turner Overdrive|BTO]]? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I guess... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]'' :'''Crow''': Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d... :'''Servo''': It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! :'''Mike''': Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb. :''[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.] :'''Crow''': It landed on [[w:Pig-Pen|Pig-Pen]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target]'' Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- ''[the missile then blows up the target]'' Oooh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]'' :'''Mike''': "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that... :'''Servo''': It says "Lift Here". :'''Mike''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during yet another scene of planes refueling]'' :'''Crow''': You asked for more refueling, and we're giving it to you! :'''Mike''': Yes! I'm at a loss, now we've done promiscuity entendres? :'''Servo''': Check. :'''Crow''': Uh, cuddling in the afterglow? :'''Servo''': Check. :'''Mike''': Uh, multiple partner allusions? :'''Servo''': Got it. :'''Crow''': Uh, premature ejeculation innuendo? :'''Servo''': Yup. :'''Mike''': Gas station jokes. :'''Servo''': Been there. :'''Crow''': Impotence. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. :'''Mike''': Uh, one-night stuff? :'''Servo'''; It's all covered. :'''Mike''': ''[disappointed]'' Okay, let's just watch then. :'''Servo''': Well, fueling is a beautiful natural thing that's nothing to mock. :'''Mike''': Okay, you're right. :... :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the score]'' Youuu and I, refueled by moonlight! Fuel, like sparkling champaaagne! :'''Mike''': I don't know where you end and I begin! :''[the fueling process ends]'' :'''Crow [as the plane]''': No man, no! You can't cut me off, just 4000 more pounds then I'll quit! I'm so cold... :'''Servo''': Oh, a junkie joke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Crashed Pilot]''': Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine! :'''Servo [as Rescuer]''': You were only here for ten minutes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right? :'''Mike''': Um... :'''Servo''': Am I right? :'''Mike''': Yeah. That is correct. === [[w:The Sinister Urge (film)|The Sinister Urge]] === :'''Crow''': ''[to Gypsy]'' We're giving you a shower! :'''Gypsy''': ''[surprised]'' Huh!? :'''Servo''': Oh look, she's surprised, isn't that just darling? :'''Gypsy''': ''[flustered]'' Well, I'm not getting married and... am I pregnant!? :'''Crow''': Oh Gypsy, every woman gets a shower and it's just so lovely! :'''Gypsy''': Well, I'm ''pretty sure'' I'm a woman. :'''Crow''': Open that one first, Mike, it's from me! Doesn't she look lovely? :'''Mike''': It's... pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Thank you, how very thoughtful, and lovely! :'''Servo''': Oh, those are just darling, Crow! OK, this is from me... :'''Mike''': And it is... pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Oh! :'''Crow''': Just like mine! How darling and lovely! :'''Servo''': Well yeah, Gypsy! I saw that Crow got you the same thing, and that gave me the idea! ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Mike''': OK, this one is from Cambot, and it is pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Better get pinking! ''[Gypsy laughs]'' :'''Mike''': OK though, Tom and Crow went on one more... :'''Gypsy''': Oh let me guess, let me guess... Pinking shears? :'''Mike''': Nope... :'''Gypsy''': Oh... . :'''Mike''': Oh I guess it is! Pinking shears! ''[Gypsy laughs]'' :'''Crow''': Well Tom saw them and I had to agree! :'''Servo''': How lovely and darling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It's from Frank! Listen to this: ''[reads letter]'' "Dear Gypsy, how are you? I'm fine. I'm going to bomb the living bejesus out of Deep 13. Well, it looks like I'm out of room. Best wishes, Frank." ''[realizes the threat]'' '''OH MY GOD! MIKE! TOM! CROW! WE GOT TO STOP HIM!''' ''[goes back to the letter]'' "P.S. Hope you like the pinking shears." <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': I must say, doctor, you are a real piece of work. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[tied up and strapped with explosives]'' Frank, it you don't cut it out, I'm gonna kill you! :'''TV's Frank''': No, Dr. Forrester... it is ''you'' who are going to kill ''me.'' ''[evil laugh]'' YOU'RESTUCKHERE. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Well, if Frank goes through with his plan, that means no more mad scientists! :'''Servo''': Which means no more evil experiments! :'''Mike''': Which means no more Deep 13! :'''Crow''': Which means no way can we ever, ever get down to Earth! :'''Servo''': Which eventually means no more Satellite of Love! :'''Mike''': Which means no more... ''[they finally realize what would happen and faint from shock]'' :'''Crow''': ...We've got to help Dr. Forrester save Deep 13! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': We just got to find a way to stop Frank, but how? :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's the sixty-four dollar question... wait! I've got an idea! A door-to-door search! Gypsy, can you give me a schematic of the whole city? :'''Gypsy''': You want the suburbs too? :'''Crow''': All the way to the sticks! I want to see barns and cows and roosters! :'''Gypsy''': There goes my vacation! :'''Crow''': Thanks, doll-face! ''[tries to kiss Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Get out of here, you lug! :'''Servo''': All right, all right, all right! Hold everything! Ha ha! Got the report back from the lab, and guess whose fingerprints are all over the ransom notes? :'''Mike''': Uh, probably Frank's. He signed it. :'''Servo''': Oh, that's right I guess... :'''Mike''': This is a dead end, a blank wall, an empty check! :'''Gypsy''': It's no piece of cake, that's for sure! :'''Mike''': Wait!, Hold it Gypsy, say that again... :'''Gypsy''': I said, "It is no piece of cake!" :'''Mike''': Potato cakes! That's it! :'''Crow''': Potato cakes? :'''Mike''': Remind me to buy you a new hat next payday sweetheart! ''[hugs and kisses Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Wow...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It just doesn't make any sense, Mike! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Oh boy, I wonder if Forrester's planning on killing Frank! ==== Keeping Clean and Neat (short) ==== :''[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]'' :'''Narrator''': Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes! :'''Mike [as Don]''': But that's how they treat me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was! :'''Servo''': [[w:Don Was|Don Was]]? The producer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]'' :'''Servo [as Henry Higgins]''': [[My Fair Lady|Why can't a woman be more like a man?]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices. :'''Crow''': The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ''Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!'' ==== The Sinister Urge (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She must be one of [[w:Bob Packwood|Senator Packwood]]'s aides. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a police car changes its model during a scene transition]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the car turned from a Ford into a Plymouth! :'''Crow''': That'll happen... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Romaine''': I read in the morning paper that the police department have assigned a special detail to clear up this silly dirty picture business. As a taxpayer, I ''demand''... ''[begins hitting his palm with his fist]'' :'''Crow''': Ow! Ow ow ow! :'''Mr. Romaine''': Put those men on important crimes like robberies and murders, and those gangs of young hoodlums that roam the street. Things that'll protect an honest citizen like myself. Spending all that money on such silly things, as a few girly pictures that never hurt anyone. :'''Lt. Carson''': "Never hurt anyone?!" For your information, Mr. Taxpayer, the dirty picture racket can be directly connected to a good percentage of the major crimes in this city! :'''Mr. Romaine''': Just how? :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Well, very indirectly. :'''Lt. Carson''': It would take a psychiatrist to explain it to you, but I can tell you that we've got three murders on our hands. Three young girls who posed for such pictures! Found in the park. Tortured! Mutilated! Murdered! Here! ''[shows pictures]'' :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Uh, here's murdered, here's tortured, where's mutilated? There it is... :'''Lt. Carson''': Some will steal or kill just to get their hands on this stuff. It's worse than dope for them! Mr. Taxpayer, the smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping, or dope peddling... :'''Crow''': No it isn't! :'''Lt. Carson''': ... Show me a crime, and I can show you a picture that could have caused it. Have I made myself clear? :'''Mike [as Romaine]''': It's a vague connection, I admit, but... :'''Lt. Carson''': Do you have a daughter, Mr. Romaine? :'''Crow [as Carson]''': Would ''she'' be interested in the smut picture racket? :''[Romaine slowly gets up and walks silently to the door]'' :'''Servo [as Romaine]''': Uhhhhh... :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Would you like to choose a different category, sir? :'''Servo [as Romaine]''': Hmmmmm.... daughter...uh, daughter... is a daughter the thing with the wheel and- oh forget it, I'm thinking of a bike. Let me call my wife. Daughter, you say? Daughter... huh... :'''Mr. Romaine''': Yes... I have ''two'' daughters... :'''Crow [as Romaine]''': And a puppy. :'''Servo''': At least I ''think'' they're daughters. Hope I'm thinking of the right thing- let me get back to you on that. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gloria and Johnny talk about the ramifications of the recent police raid on her smut picture business, and their plans moving forward]'' :'''Crow''': I'm learning a ''lot'' about porn! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Gloria enters the room after leaving briefly in the same scene]'' :'''Mike [as Gloria]''': The was a ''good'' crap! === [[w:San Francisco International Airport (TV series)|San Fransisco International]] === :''[Mike and the Bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park. :''[The logo fades.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, big friggin' deal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title ''San Francisco International'' appears on-screen.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' San Francisco International Airport! Where the big [[w:B-actor|b-actors]] roar! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]'' :'''Servo''': ''Terror'' at... uh, sea level. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Katie Barrett]''': Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]'' :'''Mike''': There's a ''New'' Testament in town! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]'' :'''Crow [as Pernell]''': Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses." === [[w:Kitten with a Whip|Kitten with a Whip]] === :''[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] cartoon blare from the TV.] :'''Mike''': [[w:Carl Stalling|Carl Stalling]]'s in his house! :''[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the [[w:Sylvester (Looney Tunes)|Sylvester]] cartoon ''[[w:Canned Feud|Canned Feud]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, something ''good!'' :'''Servo''': All right! :. . . :'''Mike [as David]''': Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]. === [[w:Racket Girls|Racket Girls]] === ==== Are You Ready for Marriage? (short) ==== :''[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]'' :'''Crow''': Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]'' :'''Servo''': Visit your government church! :'''Mike''': First Federal Church, member [[w:Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation|FDIC]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]'' :'''Hall''': When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction... :'''Servo [as Larry]''': Oh ''yeah!'' :'''Hall''': ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...''boing!'' :'''Mike [as Larry]''': You saw my boing? :'''Larry''': How did you know? :'''Hall''': Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing". :'''Crow [as Hall]''': Sometimes there's a "shplurt"! :'''Hall''': For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hall]''': …if one of you is ''cuckoo''… :''[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]'' :'''Hall''': …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until… :''[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]'' :'''Larry''': It's gone! :'''Sue''': Where'd it go?! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Larry]''': ''We're gonna die!'' :'''Hall''': That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Larry]''': ''BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]'' :'''Crow''':''[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|MARINES, WE ARE ''LEAVING''!]] :''[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]'' :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Sorry, back in [[w:Da Nang|Da Nang]] there for a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]'' :'''Sue''': Do we have similar backgrounds? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Do we have any priors? :'''Sue''': Do we agree on our religious beliefs... :'''Crow [as Sue]''': I worship [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]]! :'''Sue''': ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general? :'''Servo [as Sue]''': You know, God and stuff. :'''Sue''': Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': [[w:Bella Donna (album)|So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.]] ==== Racket Girls (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]'' :'''Crow''': Is there a midway nearby? : . . . :'''Mike''': Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise! :'''Crow [as usher]''': Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, another sellout crowd. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Scalli''': Hey, Joe! :'''Servo [as Scalli]''': [[w:Hey Joe|Where you going with that gun in your hand?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[nervously]'' I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]'' :'''Crow''': ''Music?!'' Why ''here?'' Why now? '''''WHY US?!''''' === [[w:Ilya Muromets (film)|The Sword and the Dragon]] === :'''Gypsy''': ''[leaving while being too weirded out by Mike and the Bots reenactment of the forest tablecloth scene]'' ...You guys are so weird! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the bots put on a satirical political song and dance number]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing while holding a prop gun]'' : '''''I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I get shot at every day...''''' : '''''I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm opposed by the NRA- bang bang!''''' ''[pretends to be shot and "dies"]'' ==== The Sword and the Dragon ==== :''[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]'' :'''Mike [as Ilya]''': Man, she's a fox. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see a large banquet taking place]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as man]''': It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a ''pretty'' man... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as man]''': Sven, no! You mustn't! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]'' :'''Ilya''': Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. :'''Servo [as Ilya]''': Let us the nasty do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]'' :'''Crow''': ''Crows!'' My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are? :'''Servo''': ''[doubtfully]'' Uh huh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]'' :'''Little Falcon''': It is as though in a vision... I see my mother! :''[He turns to face Ilya]'' :'''Crow [as Little Falcon]''': Mom! === [[w:High School Big Shot|High School Big Shot]] === ==== Out of This World (short) ==== :''[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]'' :'''Mike''': They're operating under a different theology. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Red is explaining the details of his plan]'' :'''Red''': Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...? :'''Crow [as Red]''': Say I'm starring in ''[[w:Forever Plaid|Forever Plaid]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]'' :'''Mike [as Whitey]''': So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well... <hr width="50%"> :''[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': First of all, take a look. ''[holds up bread]'' A loaf of bread. :'''Crow [as Dudley]''': ''Eat every piece!'' :. . . :'''Whitey''': Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important? :'''Dudley''': That's exactly the way I feel about it. :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': ''[miserably]'' I have to. It's all I've got! <hr width="50%"> :''[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different. :'''Servo [as Dudley]''': Watch me come on to a grocer. :. . . :''[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]'' :'''Dudley''': Hey, something new! ''[pushes cart experimentally]'' :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': Be a shame if this ran over your kid... <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill Dudley''': You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking... :''[cut to a montage of grocers]'' :'''Mike [as grocer]''': What a moron. :'''Grocer voiceover''': That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile. :'''Servo [as grocer]''': What's he on? :'''Voiceover''': Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect. :'''Crow [as grocer]''': What does he want from me? :'''Voiceover''': Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself. :'''Servo [as Grocer]''': Why can't he leave me alone? :'''Voiceover''': I like to do business with salesmen like that. :'''Mike [as Grocer]''': But his bread sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this ''[taps head]'' and this. ''[taps inventory book]'' :'''Crow''': A hat and a pad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' That's why I keep these bullseyes handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up. :'''Mike''': Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't... well, you know... ==== High School Big Shot (movie) ==== :''[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the screen test? :. . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He has a haunting ugliness. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a [[w: Andy Warhol|Warhol]] film? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': The Potsie story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Mr. Carter is discussing "Hamlet"]'' :'''Mr. Carter''': At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered? :'''Crow [as student]''': Uh, Richard Dawson. :'''Mike [as student]''': Fred Sanford? :'''Servo [as student]''': Uh, Larry Hovis. :''[Mr. Carter notices Vince flirting with Betty]'' :'''Mr. Carter''': Vince, would you mind answering the question, please? :'''Mike [as Vince]''': Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little... :'''Mr. Carter''': VINCE! :'''Crow [as Vince]''': Uh, nipples. :'''Servo''': I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir. :'''Vince''': I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please? :'''Mr. Carter''': To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered? :'''Vince''': I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. ''[the class laughs]'' :'''Crow [as Mr. Carter]''': Mr. Malph, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Carter is talking to Marv after class.]' :'''Mr. Carter''': Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know. :'''Servo [as Mr. Carter]''': You're 28. You should graduate. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cash-strapped Marv and his father are both getting ready for their dates.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then... :'''Marv's Dad''': Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week. :'''Marv''': Really? :'''Marv's Dad''': Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time. :'''Mike [as Marv's Dad]''': Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marv and Betty are on their date, walking the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Betty]''': So, are we going to walk the alleys all night? :'''Marv''': I'm sorry, Betty, honest. :'''Betty''': Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie. :'''Servo [as Betty]''': I've never walked to a drive-in before. :'''Marv''' It's just that I, well, I had to give some money to Pop-- :'''Betty''': Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time. :'''Marv''': Betty. :'''Mike [as Marv]''': Can I sniff your bra? :'''Marv''': I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke? :'''Betty''': I'd love it. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': Thanks a lot, [[w:Adnan Khashoggi|Adnan Khashoggi.]] :''[Cut to a diner.]'' :'''Mike''': Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vince confronts Betty, who just got Marv to write her term paper.]'' :'''Betty''': Oh, Vince. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': Will you write a paper for me? :'''Vince''': What's with you? ''[brief pause]'' :'''Mike''': Rebooting. :'''Betty''': With me and Marv? :'''Servo [as Vince]''': Come on, I can't hold this face much longer! :'''Betty''': Oh, you can't be serious. :'''Vince''': Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me! :'''Crow [as Betty]''': He had three dollars! :'''Betty''': But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': Would he write mine if I kissed him? : . . . :'''Mike [as Betty]''': Now would you write my shop project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': All this because of a strict English teacher. === [[w:Red Zone Cuba|Red Zone Cuba]] === :''[Frank owes a hefty sum of money to the mob, and is about to convince Dr. Forrester to go out and face them in his stead]'' :'''Frank''': Clay, there's a, uh- Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano here to see you. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Huh? Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano? Did I go to high school with him? I bet that's what it is; I went to high school with him. ''[steps into the hallway]'' Joe? Hello? :''[Forrester gets pulled aside and in silhouette is being beaten up by the mob, while Frank grimaces]'' :'''Frank''': Gee, I- I feel kinda bad about this. I must admit I feel partly responsible, sorta. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots are dressed in formal tuxedos shortly before Movie Sign for some gambling]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Attention; the buffet is now being served. :'''Mike, Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[at the same time as Movie Sign blares]'' The buffet?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[depressed sigh]'' You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Yeah, even being Carol Channing didn't shield me from the effect of this one... :'''Servo''': Well, hey! I know what we can do to cheer ourselves up! Let's sing us a bouncy, upbeat song! Okay!? :'''Crow''': That's a great idea! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Okay! :'''Servo''': Hit it, Cambot! ''[singing]'' Whenever I want to cry and bawl, Because I'm feeling sad, I think of ironing boards and drywall, And then I don't feel so bad! :'''Crow''': Whenever I'm feeling down and blue And sorry for myself I get some staples and some glue And I'm happy as an elf! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' Whenever I start to mope and pout And there's nothing left in my soul I check the toilet paper and if we're out I buy another roll! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Have you ever touched a Post-it Note? Have you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip? :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' So if you listen to our advice, :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' And you wanna feel terrific! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Do things that make you feel nice, :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' I wish we could be more specific! ==== Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …after the human nipple. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ...Okay... :'''Narrator''': ...a doll that never talked. :'''Mike''': ''[nervously]'' Just do what he says... :'''Narrator''': Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke. :'''Servo''': Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]'' :'''Narrator''': Be sure to wear a clean shirt... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Be sure to get a brand-new ''chin''. :'''Narrator''': ...and your favorite tie. :'''Servo''': Now you're ready to [[w:The Godfather (film)|rub out Sonny Corleone]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as person slouching while making a speech]'' Women be different than men! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]'' :'''Narrator''': ...You will look poised and dignified. :'''Mike''': Uh, no you won't. :. . . :'''Crow''': Don't do this ''during'' the speech. ==== Red Zone Cuba (movie) ==== :''[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Was he ''always'' a hundred years old? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson ([[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]).]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Kid looks like a reporter from the ''Catholic Digest''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[deep voice]'' John Carradine for [[w:Viceroy (cigarette)|Viceroy.]] :''[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[lisping]'' [[w:Sal Mineo|Sal Mineo]] for Viceroy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in ''The Fugitive!'' :'''Servo [as Curly Howard]''': Hey, Moe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]'' :: Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load :: I got Coleman Francis on my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I see some [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer players]] down there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]'' :'''Joe''': Men, we're shoving off right after sundown... :'''Crow, Servo [as Men]''': You shove off! :'''Joe''': …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us. :'''Joe''': At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Ted, you take Havana. : . . . :'''Joe''': We have a man in Cuba that will throw ropes over the cliff at 12 midnight. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': At 12:15 we're captured! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Griffin (played by [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]]) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]'' :'''Mike [as Cuban Soldier]''': The Yankees will pay highly for you, Se&ntilde;or Francis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as the owner of a secluded diner]'' I am the Dark Specter of Food. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah! I think my ''neck'' got broken in that jump cut! :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "''I just don't know!''" :'''Crow''': I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt ''me''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Store Clerk]''': Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons! ... :'''Mike''': ''[as store clerk while the trio leaves]'' Thanks for not killing me; right neighborly of ya! === [[w:Danger!! Death Ray|Danger!! Death Ray]] === :''[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray. :'''Mike''': There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound [[w:Interstate 94|94]], you might want to take an alternate route. :. . . :''[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]'' :'''Mike''': What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest? :'''Crow''': It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - ''big'' creative dispute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What country is this taking place in? :'''Mike''': Europe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]'' :'''Mike''': They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]'' :'''Crow''': (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time. :''[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]'' :'''Mike''': In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies. :'''Servo [as watcher]''': Why can't I get the ''Red Shoe Diaries''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They're coming up for more baking soda. :''[Crow begins snickering.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub. :''[Crow snickers again.]'' :'''Servo''': This set is at least three box tops. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[recovering his composure]'' Special effects by... Billy! : . . . :''[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]'' :'''Mike''': Don't go up there! You'll become a toy! : . . . :''[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]'' :'''Sub Captain''': Okay. We can dive. :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now. :'''Crow [as Captain]''': Head towards the drain. :''[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Das Boot|Das Toy Boat]]! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter? :'''Crow''': Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You're the one who knows everything... :'''Mike [as Fargo]''': Who's God? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]'' :'''Henchman''': We're looking for a man. :'''Mike [as Henchman]''': Are you him? :'''Lucille''': My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one. :'''Servo [as Henchman]''': I think you know what I ''meant''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too. :''[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]'' :'''Servo''': Olé! :''[Crow giggles.]'' :'''Mike [as Bart]''': And the way you dove out the window was just terrible! :''[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]'' :'''Servo [as Bart]''': Ooh, sorry, ma'am. :'''Bart Fargo''': That's too bad. :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! What about "he really ''fell'' for me"? Or "his hopes have been ''crushed''"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]]! :'''Crow''': Some little boy is going to be ''very'' upset. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Assassin/Mulwray]''': [[Chinatown (film)#sister-daughter|My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baccarat game is in progress.]'' :'''Croupier''': Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000. :'''Crow [as Player]''': It'd better be a damn good bonk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there! :''[beat]'' :'''Servo''': But it's nice. :'''Mike''': It is nice, yeah. :''[Crow laughs.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo IS... [[w:Hard To Kill|''Hard to—'' watch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo. ''Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo...'' Heh, that's hard! === [[w:The Beast of Yucca Flats|The Beast of Yucca Flats]] === :'''Gypsy''': Huh?... ''[sees the new wallpaper]'' OH, MY GOD! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! ''[Leaves]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Sometimes, a new look takes a little getting used to. ==== Money Talks! (short) ==== :''[William looks at a [[w:Franklin half dollar|Franklin half-dollar]] he's holding.]'' :'''William''': Fifty cents. Half a dollar. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': In those days, that'd buy you a car. :'''William''': Benjamin Franklin, eh? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as William]''': Bite me, Franklin! :'''William''': He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red. :'''Crow [as William]''': He was the best President we ever had. {{hnote|Benjamin Franklin, although a Founding Father, was never President.}} : . . . :''[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Alfred Hitchcock|Alfred Hitchcock]]! {{hnote|Director Alfred Hitchcock's trademark image was a stylized silhouette of his ample girth.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Franklin''': You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Franklin]''': …James Joyce. :'''Ben Franklin''': …something quite unheard of in my day. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fathers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar] :'''Mike''': Benjamin Franklin was tried in the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit|Eighth circuit court]] on [[w:stalking|stalking]] charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. {{hnote|A reference to the famous ending of Dragnet}} ==== [[w:Progress Island U.S.A.|Progress Island U.S.A.]] (short) ==== :''[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later! <hr width=50%> :'''Narrator''': An American Democracy... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Would be really great. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': And very hard to sleep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move. :'''Mike''': Hawaii? :'''Crow''': No, an ''island!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of a school are shown.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bilingual schools. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Bisexual students. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh. When did they change the name? :'''Servo''': A Quinn Martin production. :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[as the music ends]'' PUERTO RICO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': So you might as well just stay where you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a Burger King...]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, indigenous cuisine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over quick shots]'' :'''Mike''': With this, and this, and ''that!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]'' :'''Crow''': Here, money is exchanged for coconuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Students are shown at college.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Latka Gravas|Latka Gravas]] goes to class. :'''Crow [as Latka]''': Thank you veddy much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': It's ''[[w:Room 222|Room Dos-Dos-Dos]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Here, we're flying in another trumpet section. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the next piece of background music]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, let's get funky now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Look, just come here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another piece of background music ends.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': PROGRESS! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]'' :'''Crow''': Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held. :'''Mike''': Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid. :'''Servo''': Here, [[w:Up With People|Up With People]] get down. :''[The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle]'' :''Mike [singing]'': [[w:Achy Breaky Heart|Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart]]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': GAMBLING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family. :'''Servo''': Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]'' :'''Crow''': Hit me! :'''Narrator''': A band concert under warm, tropical skies. :'''Crow''': The music of [[w:John Phillips Sousa|John Phillips Salsa]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago. :''[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': A CENTURY AGO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over shots of tropical flowers.]'' :'''Narrator''': Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year. :'''Mike''': As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cows grazing.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Here are some moo cows. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]'' :'''Servo [as worker, drunkenly]''': I love this job! :'''Narrator''': Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So, drink rum constantly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of front of [[w:Digital Equipment Corporation|Digital]] building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Why, even aliens from Mars are here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]'' :'''Narrator''': A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology. :''[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]'' :'''Mike''': Things with blinky buttony-type things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]'' :'''Crow''': Then KISS came to town! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff. :. . . :''[We see record players being made.]'' :'''Mike''': These'll never go out of style. :'''Crow''': Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, we'll move there! :'''Servo''': Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the short's closing screen]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did ''not'' offend. ==== The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]'' :'''Mike''': Get off my land, you credits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", [[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]] as the titular beast.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play The Butler. :'''Mike''': Tor Johnson as The Beast, that's just smart casting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a chase scene.]'' :'''Servo''': Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]] way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's ''Beast of Yucca Flats''. A Francis Ford Coppola film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Flag on the moon. How'd it get there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': These are all just random sentences, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Touch a button, things happen. :'''Mike''': ...Uh, sometimes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Rootie patootie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': His limericks aren't very good... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Vacation time. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So... goodbye. :'''Narrator''': People travel east, west... north or south. :'''Servo''': And some people just burrow straight down, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the mountain...]'' :'''Narrator''': To get to the top... a man needs an airplane. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Or a giant pogo stick. :'''Narrator''': Jump from a plane, land at the top. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Jaworski, [[w:Ron Jaworski|Ron Jaworski]]. Played quarterback for the Eagles. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is chased by a light plane.]'' :'''Servo''': Ahh, bit of a ''ripoff?'' :'''Mike''': Coleman steals from [[w:North by Northwest|''only'' the best!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A man murdered, a woman's purse. :'''Servo''': A thin plot, endlessly restated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': [[w:Eleanor Rigby|Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Beast]''': Why, ''why'' can't I get a baked potato before five in this town? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury. :'''Mike [as the Beast]''': Ah, fudge! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Aren't you ashamed of yourself? :'''Narrator''': Noted scientist. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Family man, and your candidate for city council! :''[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]'' :'''Mike''': So? What ''about'' him?! === [[w:Angels Revenge|Angels Revenge]] === :''[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]'' :'''Michelle''': We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here. :''[Terry sticks her thumb up.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Terry]''': Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now! :''[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Maria]''': Hah-hah! It's anonymous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy:''' I don't have any lines. :'''Crow:''' But you get to wear slinky dresses and carry guns and stuff! :'''Gypsy:''' Not this sister! ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy:''' I feel so insignificant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, sound by [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]], fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts! :'''Mike:''' No, don't... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in [[w:Blaxploitation|Blaxploitation]]-esque outfits.]'' :'''Crow''': I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, you're giving away the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]'' :'''Farrell''': Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad. :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': He's our only customer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Diner]''': How's about someone shine my steak over here?! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''April''': Women ''can'' make a difference. :'''Crow''': Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musical score apes ''[[w:Also sprach Zarathustra (Richard Strauss)|Also sprach Zarathustra]]'' as the Angels' combat van appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Vaguely Strauss, ''but notttt!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terry''': I've got an idea. :''[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]'' :'''Servo''': What a great idea! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]'' :'''Crow''': It's the [[wikt:T%26A#Etymology_1|T & A]]-[[w:The A-Team|Team]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]'' :'''Mike''': Right now, [[w:Benny Hill|Benny Hill]] is smiling down from heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Andrea Dworkin|Dworkin]]fest '78! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell ([[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]]).]'' :'''Crow [as Farrell/Palance]''': Oh, no! He saw ''[[w:City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold|City Slickers II]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]'' :'''Farrell''': May I speak to you for a moment please? :'''Crow [as Farrell]''': 'It's about my report card. :'''April''': Yes? What can I do for you? :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': What's this "Incomplete" crap? :. . . :'''Farrell''': I'd like to talk to you about my nephew, he's ah... he's in a little trouble. You're his teacher, I understand. :'''April''': Well sure, I have a minute. What's his name? :'''Farrell''': ''[Finally close enough, drops the act.]'' You broads really think that you can get away with this. :'''Crow [as April]''': Well that's a weird name! === [[w:The Amazing Transparent Man|The Amazing Transparent Man]] === :'''Servo''': ''[dressed as a farmer, while Forrester suggests the SOL gang entertain visitors of Deep 13 with a Llama petting zoo]'' So you folks wanna touch the Llama, eh? That's right, eh? You can touch him all you want. You can touch him all night til' Hell freezes over! Not me, though; nosiree-bob! I wouldn't touch that smelly old thing. He hasn't been looking too good. Smells kind of funny too- smells really kinda rank! But you can touch him if you want! Ain't no law says you can't! Right, Mikey? :'''Mike''': ''[staring forward blankly]'' You people bring matches for Mikey? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming as Mike starts hitting himself and aggressively attempting to pet Crow's Llama disguise]'' '''YOU SHUT UP, MIKEY! YOU SHUT UP!''' You folks don't give ''NO'' matches to Mikey! You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?!! I don't care what Mikey say or Mikey do! I don't care if he comes crawling into your house at night, stark naked with a big 'ol knife! '''Don't''' give him no matches!! ==== The Days of Our Years (short) ==== :''[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': So, we have 70 days in each year? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reverend''': Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there. :'''Crow''': Oh, sure— HUH? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]'' :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': ''[guiltily]'' I didn't hate accidents enough... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]'' :'''Mike [as Reflection]''': ''[gravelly voice]'' Come over to this side! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Reflection]''': ''[eerily]'' Obey the toaster! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on Joe's fiance Helen]'' She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe". :'''Mike''': So his name is Joe Joe? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]'' :'''Narrator''': She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away. :'''Crow''': Speaking of accidents... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[noticing a theme]'' So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[during funeral sequence]'' Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[curtly]'' ...because he's DUMB! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]'' :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Tom]] [as George]''': Boring! :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as George]''': ''[as he shuts the curtains]'' There, my problem went away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on the frailty of time]'' A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years... :'''Mike''': A disastrous one would be cool to watch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]'' :'''Crow [as director]''': Hey, we're tryin' to film here! ==== The Amazing Transparent Man (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]] in ''[[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the music]'' ::He's amazing and amusing, ::he's delicious and nutritious, ::two for breakfast, one for... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors. :'''Mike [as Dr. Ulof]''': You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]'' :'''Servo''': If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving. :. . . :'''Crow [as Dr. Ulof]''': Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal. :. . . :''[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]'' :'''Crow''': Kind of an abstract sculpture of [[w:Jayne Mansfield|Jayne Mansfield]]. :. . . :''[Ulof inserts a [[w:Dremel|Dremel]]-like device between the two globes.] :'''Mike''': I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty! :. . . :'''Mike''': All this just to get a UHF station? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, he's with the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Keep your eye on the guinea pig. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Keep your ''eyeeeee'' on the ''guinea pig!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.] :'''Mike [as Faust]''': I'll be right back right after this. === [[w:Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro|Samson vs. the Vampire Women]] === :'''Crow''': Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the [[w:Cher|Cher]] jokes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.] :'''Crow''': [[w:Rebecca (novel)|Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]'' :'''Crow [as Owl]''': ¡Qui! ¡Qui! {{hnote|Apparently meant to be Spanish for 'Who! Who!', a word-play on the English for owl hooting in this Mexican film — except that '¡Quien!' is the correct word - 'Qui!' is French.}} : . . . :''[a loud shriek is heard]'' :'''Mike''': "Someone taped over ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]''!" : . . . :''[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]'' :'''Crow''': Let the Cher jokes...begin. :'''Servo''': Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]'' :'''Servo''': Another successful [[w:José Eber|José Eber]] makeover. :'''Crow [as Tandra]''': I'm pretty, so I have value now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Diana plays the [[w:Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)|"Moonlight" Sonata]], four bats hover outside her window.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the woodland creatures ''love'' her music! :'''Crow''': I don't get the physics of a hovering bat. :'''Servo''': The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation! :'''Crow [as Bat]''': I don't know how long I can keep this up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charles''': Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me. :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious. :'''Professor Orlof''': You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you? :'''Mike''': Puppet theater? :'''Charles''': Well that's easy, start by explaining. :'''Professor Orlof''': I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss. :'''Charles''': Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening. :'''Servo [as Charles]''': And that makes it hard to get the scene going! :'''Charles''': How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from? :'''Professor Orlof''': Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say. :'''Charles''': Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up. :'''Professor Orlof''': No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss! :'''Mike [as Orlof]''': But forget I said anything. :'''Professor Orlof''': That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone! :'''Crow [as Charles]''': Look, you invited me here! :'''Charles''': Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how? :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': I can't tell you, now leave me alone! :'''Professor Orlof''': Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana. :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': Now get out of here! :'''Charles''': Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party? :'''Professor Orlof''': That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate! :'''Charles''': Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good. :'''Professor Orlof''': No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight. :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! ''[Charles leaves the room]'' :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': No wait, come back! :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': Why won't he help me??? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]'' :'''Crow [as Woman]''': We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! {{hnote|This movie was one of over 50 Mexican wrestling films starring El Santo (aka Samson).}} :'''Servo''': Ah, the entire Mexican middle class. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[trying to stifle a laugh]'' ''Pfft''HA'''''HA!!!''''' :'''Samson''': I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on? :'''Servo [as Samson]''': I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress? :. . . :'''Mike [as Samson]''': So, do you need any wrestling done, or...? == Season 7 == === [[w:Night of the Blood Beast|Night of the Blood Beast]] === ==== [[w:Once Upon a Honeymoon (1956 film)|Once Upon a Honeymoon]] (short) ==== :''[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, how many times [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]] and [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] had sex! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The_Producers_(1968_film)|Springtime for Hitler and Germany]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Ricky Ricardo|Ricky Ricardo]]]''': Lucy, I'm dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a wide shot of the living room]'' :'''Mike''': They live in a doll house! :'''Crow''': You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]'' :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that. :'''Servo''': One of 32 short films about... this guy. :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"? :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music! :''[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] came over to help. :'''Mary''': No inspiration, darling? :'''Jeff''': I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today. :'''Crow [as Mary]''': Why would you wanna write him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a castle in the sky... :'''Mike''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, well, wish in one hand and ''crap'' in the other and see which one piles up first! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' Away up high where bluebirds like to fly... :'''Servo [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wish I could have sex with [[w:Louis Nye|Louis Nye]]... :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more... :'''Crow [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wouldn't have to dress like [[w:Tipper Gore|Tipper Gore]]... :. . . :''[Wilbur, Jeff and Mary's marriage guardian angel, sprinkles "Miracle Dust" onto Mary.]'' :'''Mary''': I wish... :''[Beat for one second]'' :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'': I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day... :'''Crow''': AIM HIGH, SISTER! :''[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish that refrigerator door would close and stay closed... :'''Mike [as the fridge]''': Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refrigerator. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit... :'''Crow''': ''[in a Australian accent]'' Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000! :. . . :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish my living room were all redone... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Citizen Kane|I think owning a newspaper would be fun]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]'' :'''Mike''': Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]'' :'''Mike''': That's about as sexy as a garage. :. . . :'''Crow''': One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma. :. . . :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these. :. . . :'''Servo''': Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Here's how far I've gotten: '''LA'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Male Neighbor]''': Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Female Neighbor]''': Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Money (Pink Floyd song)|Money]]... :'''Jeff''': Wait a minute, do that again! :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum. :'''Jeff''': Yeah! Yeah! Why not? :'''Servo [as Jeff]''': I'll call someone to write the song! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing along]'' Everybody was... [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|kung fu fighting]], yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to Shakey's! :''[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[gasps]'' Elton John was here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This would make a great companion movie with ''[[w:Eraserhead|Eraserhead]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': The following scene contains graphic sexual content. :'''Servo''': Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway? ==== Night of the Blood Beast (movie) ==== :''[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[w:John F. Kennedy|JFK]]]''': [[w:Apollo program#Background|Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County]]. :'''Servo''': It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]'' :'''Dr. Wyman''': No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Wyman]''': Well, let's give him more time to die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': And the Steves are there! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Wyman''': I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long. :'''Mike [as Wyman]''': And I love it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]'' :'''Dave''': Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute? :'''Servo [as Donna]''': Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE! :'''Mike [as Dave]''': I could have done ''that''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave hears something.]'' :'''Dave''': Steve? :'''Mike''': ''Not everyone is Steve!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]'' :'''Crow [as Donna]''': Um, have you guys seen my brush? :'''Donna''': Steve. :'''Mike [as Julie]''': Yes? :'''Servo [as Dr. Wyman]''': Yes? :'''Crow [as Steve]''': Yes? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]'' :'''Servo''': And the Steves are there! :'''Crow''': Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh god... I'm pregnant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]'' :'''Mike [as Dr. Wyman]''': What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]'' :'''Crow''': This is still a better movie than ''[[w:Junior (film)|Junior]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]'' :'''Donna''': Here's something to complicate things even more. :'''Crow''': I took these upside down! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve enters in from the lab.]'' :'''Steve''': They're gone. :'''Crow [as Steve]''': My brownies are gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hard to trust somebody not named Steve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]'' :'''Crow''': Carry me. :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': Carry me! :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': CARRY ME! :'''Servo''': Shut up! :'''Crow''': Unnnnnnh... === [[w:The Brute Man|The Brute Man]] === ==== [[w:The Chicken of Tomorrow|The Chicken of Tomorrow]] (short) ==== :''[Over the short's title screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[Bill Clinton]] Story! :'''Servo''': The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a dedication in the opening credits] :'''Crow''': Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war. :'''Mike''': Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is going on here? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate. :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' No, it isn't. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Betty, must you sit ''in'' dinner? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as farmers pack chickens in cages for delivery]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going? :'''Servo''': Chickens are shipped to the set of ''Oklahoma!'' :'''Mike [as chicken]''': I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. ''[clucks]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': I'd like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more of the Man of Today? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And on large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on. :'''Servo''': There it is! No, wait, there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine! :'''Narrator''': Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': ''[muffled]'' I'm in the incubator now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]'' :'''Mike [as egg]''': Hey, can I go to the bathroom? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, stay in there. :'''Mike [as egg]''': Oh, come on. Can I go home? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, the door's locked! :'''Crow''': I've seen [[w:List of I Love Lucy episodes#Season 2|the episode]] where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]'' :'''Narrator''': The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And this fellow. :. . . :'''Narrator''': This one unit holds 85,000 eggs. :'''Servo''': And one bathroom for all of them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]'' :'''Mike''': This is gonna be hot, hot, hot! :. . . :'''Servo''': Mork calling Orson... :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here! :. . . :'''Servo''': That is one bloodshot eye. :. . . :'''Crow''': Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' How dry I am— ''[hiccups]'' :. . . :'''Narrator''': And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The Partridge Family|Come on down and meet everybod]]— Oh, sorry. :. . . :'''Mike''': I hate it when people tape their own deliveries. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aren't there [[w:L'eggs|supposed to be pantyhose in there]]? :. . . :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Oh, what did I do last night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hey guys, it's God! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade. :'''Servo''': Yeah, for ''pervs''! :''[A farmer inspects one of the chicks]'' :'''Crow [as farmer]''': Whoa, [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids. :''[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]'' :'''Mike [as baby chick]''': It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral. :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group! :'''Mike''': 40 piece chicken nuggets to go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But wait a minute, you may be saying... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Why am I watching this? :'''Narrator''': Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three? :'''Servo''': You bet! :'''Narrator''': Indeed they can! :'''Servo''': ''[surprised]'' ...Hey, I was right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]'' :'''Narrator''': Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I said "''Speed'' is '''ESSENTIAL'''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the truck drives as the scene fades.]'' :'''Mike''': That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken! :''[the next scene fades in]'' :'''Crow''': Chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]'' :'''Mike [as girl]''': How many are ''you'' sitting on? :'''Crow [as girl]''': Dad went a little nuts this Easter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Broadway! :'''Narrator''': ...is the brooder house. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Designed by [[w:Frank Lloyd Wright|Frank Lloyd Wright]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Eat and grow forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the first few days, the paper can be removed. :'''Crow''': Except for the sports section. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After the chicks are two or three weeks old, they can be allowed out of doors if the weather's good. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': And if they've completed their lessons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than one hundred birds. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or migrant workers. :'''Narrator''': The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents. :''[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]'' :'''Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]''': RODENTS?! '''''AAAAHHH!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of chickens eating]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight. :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Does this taste funny to you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]'' :'''Narrator''': You know how chickens are. :'''Servo''': Yeah, they own everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Remember the old henhouse? :'''Servo''': The one with the ''rats''? :'''Narrator''': It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel. :'''Mike''': Rooms by the hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Open your hymnals to number 325. :. . . :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Everybody! [[w:Soylent Green|Soylent Green]] is made from chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]'' :'''Mike''': There's no point; it's just funny! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]'' :'''Narrator''': A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': She will live. :'''Narrator''': Keep that one. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': She's worth millions. :'''Narrator''': But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table. :'''Servo''': Or put a warning slip on her desk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Stop throwing them at my car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': So put your mouth under a chicken. :. . . :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]'' :'''Narrator''': When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work. :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]'' :'''Mike''': Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]'' :'''Mike''': It's [[w:Goofus and Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]. :. . . :'''Crow''': This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': May I have a piece of my own white meat please? : . . . :''[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced ''very'' thinly]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, thanks for the generous portion! : . . . :'''Crow''': Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron. :'''Servo''': These must be models' portions. :'''Mike [as server]''': This one's for you, [[w:Kate Moss|Miss Moss]], and for you, [[w:Christy Turlington|Miss Turlington]]... : . . . :'''Crow''': ''[in Ritzy accent]'' Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! :'''Servo''': You can carry it in your wallet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market. :''[The next scene fades in]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We bring you now to market. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. He's drunk! Look at him. :. . . :''[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Put your hand up. Buy a chicken. :'''Mike''': ''[raises his hand]'' I want one... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [[Dirty Harry|Alright, come on, sing, sing! ''Row, row, row''— you're not singing!]] :'''Narrator''': Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant. :'''Crow''': Dressing plant? Sounds like fun. :'''Servo''': I want a new hat. :''[Shot of a gas station]'' :'''Narrator''': One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market. :'''Mike''': Even to the Texaco station. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]'' :'''Crow''': There's no driver! The chickens are taking over! ==== The Brute Man (movie) ==== :''["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffett]''': Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]'' :'''Crow [as Cop]''': ''[with exaggerated Irish accent]'' All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]'' :'''Mike [as Moffet]''': They forgot my [[w:Fruit Brute|Fruit Brute]] cereal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout]'' Hey, it's [[w:WUCW|KTMA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Haskins''': [holding a grocery list] Where'd this come from? :'''Jimmy''': Somebody stuck it under the door. :'''Mr. Haskins''': [annoyed] Uhh... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': I hate customers! :'''Jimmy''': Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door? :'''Mr. Haskins''': No! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jimmy]''': Go to hell! :'''Mr. Haskins''': And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it! :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Piss off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': Hal? Hal? Hal? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Helen]''': [[2001: A Space Odyssey|Open the pod bay doors, Hal.]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]'' :'''Crow''': Hey fella, why the long face? :'''Mike''': Now, come on... :'''Crow''': ''[laughing]'' I'm sorry, I couldn't... :'''Mike''': I begged you not to do that! :'''Crow''': I know... :'''Servo''': That hurts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker... :'''Crow''': In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing. :''[Mike and Servo both crack up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[annoyed]'' Why didn't they just call this movie ''The Creeper''? ''Brute Man'', pah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, [[w:Don't_Fear_The_Reaper|don't fear the creeper]]. === [[w:Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell]] === :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, where's the [[w:Metal_umlaut|umlaut]]? :'''Servo''': Oh, these guys are, like, warriors ''from Hell!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Well, let's see how long these accents last. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see how long THESE accents last! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': We're taking it to the streets! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, it looks like I'm [[wikt:masturbate|boxing the clown]] again tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.] :'''Servo [as warrior]''': Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh... :''[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troxartis''': ''[haltingly, overacting]'' This has. Nothingtodowith. Being ''RICH''. :'''Servo [as Troxartis]''': I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking ''WITH'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound. :''[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': I just heard an eagle meow! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]'' :'''Khorsa''': You sleep in the barn! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Deathstalker]''': This ''isn't'' the barn? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Khorsa]''': ''[addressing the Warriors from Hell]'' Excuse me, Mr. Moose? :'''Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]''': We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|We're the knights of the round table!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh no, he made a saddle out of [[w:Grover|Grover]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]'' :'''Mike''': This movie is like playing [[w:Doom (video game)|Doom]] when there's no monsters or opponents. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deathstalker''': ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women. :'''Mike''': [[w:Drinkin' Wine Spo-dee O-dee|Spo-dee o-dee]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]'' :'''Mike [as attacker]''': Remember, top rung not to be used as a step! :'''Crow [as attacker]''': Who ''are'' we?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]'' :'''Mike''': What the— Uh? Th— Oh... ''[as Troxartis]'' You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]'' :'''Marinda''': I love you! :'''Servo''': Quick! Jam a potato in the wound! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Marinda]''': You were my first... tuber. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': She came from somewhere back in your long ago. :'''Mike [as Deathstalker]''': Look, just shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''' ''[as army]:'' We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]'' :'''Crow''': Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach. : . . . :''[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. {{hnote|Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: ''Ore-Ida is all-righta!''}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]'' :'''Mike [as the man]''': [[Chinatown (film)|Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]'' :'''Mike [as a member of the crowd]''': He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over! === [[w:The Incredible Melting Man|The Incredible Melting Man]] === :''[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship." :'''Mike''': I was born on a pile of... Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[chuckling]'' "Round Guy With Surfboard" International. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the movie's title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:George Hamilton (actor)|George Hamilton]] Story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, they got to Saturn fast! :'''Mike''': It's all freeways now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Astronaut''': I.M.U., ready to launch. :'''Crow''': You are ''not'' me, stop saying that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]'' :'''Loring''': How many weeks is she? :'''Ted Nelson''': Fourteen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Loring]''': A little young to be pregnant, isn't she? :. . . :''[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]'' :'''Servo [as Loring]''': So when do you think the people who work here are coming back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]'' :'''General Perry''': How's it looking? :'''Ted Nelson''': Not too good. :'''Servo [as Nelson]''': ''[whispering]'' There's a black guy in my office! :. . . :''[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]'' :'''General Perry''': About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': 1600 hours? So, like five months from now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''AADGKA!'' :'''Servo''': Ah, aadgka, of course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]'' :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''[sulkily]'' General wants to go find the ''aadgjka'' melting man. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve escaped. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh God. :'''Mike [as Judy]''': Aadgka? :'''Judy Nelson''': What're you gonna do? :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.{{hnote|Both actors in this scene are exceptionally skinny.}} :'''Ted Nelson''': Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something... :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[annoyed with herself]'' Aadgka. :'''Judy Nelson''': Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too. :''[She brings over his soup.]'' :'''Mike''': Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors. :''[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''[ignoring the question]'' So, we don't have any crackers? :'''Judy Nelson''': Ted. Steve? :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Raging Bull|Raging Bull]]''. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve? :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''Steve'' had crackers! :'''Ted Nelson''': I've got to go out and find Steve. :'''Judy Nelson''': Why you? :'''Ted Nelson''': Because nobody else is supposed to know. :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Rye crisps, Sociables, ''anything?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]'' :'''Mike''': This man is a brilliant tactician. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]'' :'''Mike''': Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You guys know, is there a ''credible'' melting man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Nelson''': DON'T SHOOT, I'M DR. TED NELSON! :''[The security guard shoots Ted on the spot.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the melting man]'' Whoa! Not Ted Nelson! No relation to Ted Nelson here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]'' :'''Servo''': What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead! :'''Mike''': Well now the movie has to mop up after itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A black janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]'' : '''Servo''': ''[as janitor]'' I'll never understand white people... :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[almost cracking up]'' So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]'' :'''Mike''': So, they learned nothing. :'''Servo''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care. :'''Servo''': I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket. :'''Mike''': ''[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning]'' I learned never to name a child "Burr". :'''Crow''': Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha... :'''Mike''': Very good. :'''Crow''': I kill me. :'''Servo''': Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard. :'''Mike''': I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make ''very tepid'' ironic statements. :'''Crow''': We learned it's good to have [[w:Saltines|Saltines]] around your house. :'''Servo''': I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics. :''[Mike notices a credit for [[w:Jonathan Demme|Jonathan Demme]] on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Jonathan Demme?!'' Ah, who cares. Anyway? :'''Servo''': Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops. :'''Crow''': And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program. :'''Servo''': What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You? :'''Mike''': Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place. :'''Servo''': Good lesson. :'''Crow''': Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter. :'''Servo''': Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby. :'''Mike''': I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary. :'''Servo''': Aadgka! :'''Crow''': I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand. :'''Servo''': Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days. :'''Mike''': And neither are actors. :'''Servo''': Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear. :''[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]'' :'''Crow''': Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like ''[[w:Berlin Alexanderplatz (television)|Berlin Alexanderplatz]]''. :'''Servo''': I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that? :'''Mike''': ''[sitting down]'' Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s. :'''Crow''': I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful. :'''Servo''': Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. [[w:Johnny Carson|I did not know that.]] :'''Mike''': We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything. :'''Crow''': Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, [[w:Rick Baker (makeup artist)|people]] can ''abuse'' spirit gum and latex. :'''Mike''': Oh, I hear ya. === [[w:Escape from the Bronx|Escape 2000]] === :''[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, why is John Madden signing [[w:Samuel Goldwyn|Samuel Goldwyn's]] signature? :'''Crow''': Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film starts, squads of [[w:Stormtrooper|Stormtrooper]]-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares] :'''Loudspeaker''': You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :''[A man is thrown out a window]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Man]''': ''I forgot my luggage...!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully! :''[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': ''Okay, you convinced me!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations! :''[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[snickers]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Loudspeaker''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Servo [as Loudspeaker]''': Even though this is [[w:Cinema of Italy|Italy]], leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :'''Mike [as Loudspeaker]''': You, too, [[w:Henry Silva|Henry Silva]]. :'''Loudspeaker''': The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition! :'''Crow [as Loudspeaker]''': Therefore, we suggest you— :'''All [as Loudspeaker]''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable... :'''Servo''': So leave the Bronx. :'''Mike''': Just leave the Bronx. :''[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]'' :'''Servo [as loudspeaker on van]''': Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson! :. . . :'''Mike''': Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Loudspeaker''': Isolate area P-6. :'''Crow''': And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]'' :'''Crow [as Trooper]''': ''[terrified]'' Gary saw a [[w:silverfish|silverfish]]! Aaaahh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]'' :'''Servo [as Stormtrooper]''': Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]'' :'''Crow [as Disinfester]''': I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's ''left the Bronx'', Ted. :'''Servo''': Pretty much. :'''Mike''': We gratefully acknowledge the [[w:Aluminium foil|Reynold's Wrap]] corporation for donating the costumes. :''[They come across a homeless man]'' :'''Mike [as Bum]''': Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx. :''[He looks up at the Disinfesters] :'''Crow [as Bum]''': I thought it was a suggestion! :''[The troopers close in on him]'' :'''Servo''': When [[w:Habitat for Humanity International|Habitat for Humanity]] ''cracks down''! :'''Bum''': Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave! :'''Disinfester''': You should have left earlier. Eliminate! :'''Mike''': Wow, the [[w:Orkin|Orkin Men]] have snapped! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]'' :'''Servo''': They're rehearsing a [[w:David Mamet|David Mamet]] play in there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]'' :'''Crow''': A [[w:Mussolini|fascist Italian]]? Come on!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moon Grey''': ''[being dragged from a press conference]'' ...and the GC Corporation sucks! :''[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]'' :'''Mike [as Reporter]''': Is that true? Do you suck? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]'' :'''Crow''': ''[chuckles]'' I think they blew their cover here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]'' :'''Crow [as Trash]''': D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. The [[w:Sword of Damocles|ladder of Damocles]]. :'''Crow''': Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''President Clark''': So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash. :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. They're both... under... '' [points at random place in Bronx model] ''...there!'' [points somewhere else]'' ...or maybe there! :'''Servo''': ...right there! :'''Wrangler''': But somewhere there! :''[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]'' :'''President Clark''': Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite? :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Crow''': You guys didn't rehearse, did you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': Oh what did you step in! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Hi! Kill us! :''[They get shot.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Trash blows up a van]'' :'''Mike [as DJ]''': Alright, we're here in the [[w:KROQ|KROQ]] Supervan giving out a— ''[The van explodes. Crow screams.]'' :'''Servo [as Trash]''': Hey, rats. That was my van! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]'' :'''Mike''': Cleanup in Borough Five! === [[w:Laserblast|Laserblast]] === :''[The credits display: "Laserblast".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''Terrible'' name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elmer Fudd]''': I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe. :. . . :''[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Edward Scissorhands|Edward CDplayerhands]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A pan shot reveals a stop motion alien emerging from a spacecraft.] :'''Mike''': Oh great, [[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T. calls, we come, and he's not here.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, now on to movie ''three!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]'' :'''Servo''': So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]'' :'''Billy''': Pow! Pa-pow! :'''Servo''': After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow". :'''Mike''': Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow". :''[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]'' :'''Servo''': I think he's doing [[w:Frampton Comes Alive!|''Frampton Comes Alive'']]. :'''Mike''': ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz. :'''Crow''': Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "''fffwissshh''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Billy]''': Yeah... I think you ''are'' gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.]'' :'''Mike''': ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone. :'''Servo''': There's a point where it stops being a movie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kathy''': Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary. :'''Mike''': ''More'' ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]'' :'''Crow''': Teens love their ''cake'' pool party! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]'' :'''Chuck''': Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give ''you'' his red hot frank. :'''Girl''': From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot. :'''Crow [as Chuck]''': She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke! : . . . :''[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]'' :'''Mike [as Chuck]''': There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]'' :'''Crow''': This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of ''[[w:Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide|Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide]]''.] :'''Mike''': OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, ''[[w:My Favorite Year|My Favorite Year]]'' barely edges it out with three stars. :'''Crow''': Huh. :'''Servo''': Look here, ''[[w:Hannah and her Sisters|Hannah and her Sisters]]'' is superior only by one star. :'''Mike''': Oh wow. :'''Crow''': ''[watching the film]'' Oh great, now a tire fire starts ''just'' off camera! :''[Servo coughs. Mike turns a page.]'' :'''Mike''': OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to ''[[w:My Dinner With Andre|My Dinner With Andre]]''. :'''Crow''': Uhh— :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' ''[[w:The Name of the Rose (film)|Name of the Rose]]''... this is a better film than ''Name of the Rose!'' It only got two stars! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Being There|Being There]]'', two stars. :'''Mike''': Uh, ''[[w:Lucas Tanner|Lucas Tanner]]'' the movie was directed by [[w:Richard Donner|Richard Donner]]... I just thought I'd point that out. :'''Servo''': Oh. Good. :'''Mike''': Lemme see here... :'''Crow''': ''[reading the credits]'' Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] and [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]] get billing ''over'' [[w:Roddy McDowall|Roddy McDowall]]? :'''Servo''': Look Mike, ''[[w:Birdman of Alcatraz (film)|Birdman of Alcatraz]]'', three stars. ''Marginally'' better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[still reading the credits]'' They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong... :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' What else you got? :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', three stars. :'''Crow''': Hm? :'''Servo''': Shame, isn't it. :'''Mike''': Oh, hey, ''[[w:The Seven Samurai|Seven Samurai]]'', two stars. :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': I'm kidding. :'''Crow''': Oh. :'''Servo''': I hope so. :'''Mike''': According to this, ''[[w:A Fish Called Wanda|A Fish Called Wanda]]'' was as good a film as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[dismissive]'' D'oh... :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]'', ''[[w:Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'', three stars—''barely'' superior to ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Mm-hm. :'''Crow''': Same for ''[[w:Diner (film)|Diner]]''. :'''Mike''': Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom|Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]''. :'''Crow''': Well, ''that's'' possible... :'''Servo''': And the same caliber as ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Last Crusade]]''&mdash;two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh. And, uh, and yet: ''Blame It On the Bellboy''... four stars. :'''Servo''': ''[unbelieving]'' ''Where?'' :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' What? :'''Mike''': No, I'm kidding. :'''Servo''': Oh, you... You... jeez... :'''Mike''': So, [[w:Kim Milford|Kim Milford]]'s greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as [[w:F. Murray Abraham|F. Murray Abraham]]'s tortured performance as Salieri in ''[[w:Amadeus (film)|Amadeus]]''. :'''Crow''': According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Bagdad Café|Bagdad Café]]'', brilliant subtle comedy—no better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Here's where it gets hard—''[[w:Harry and the Hendersons|Harry and the Hendersons]]'' is every bit as good as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': [[w:Carson McCullers|Carson McCullers]]' classic ''[[w:The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (film)|The Heart is a Lonely Hunter]]''—no better than ''Laserblast''. :''[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[reluctant]'' No, no— :'''Servo''': Uhp, [[w:John Schlesinger|John Schlesinger]]'s [[w:Academy Award|Oscar]]-winning thriller ''[[w:Marathon Man|Marathon Man]]''—on par with ''Laserblast'', two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Right, so [[w:Laurence Olivier|Laurence Olivier]]'s chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, ''no better'' than the butt-faced sheriff in ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Mike''': OK, ah— :'''Servo''': Ah, look here, look here, ''[[w:The Outlaw Josey Wales|Outlaw Josey Wales]]'' AND ''[[w:Unforgiven|Unforgiven]]''! Oscar-winner. ''Quintessential'' Westerns, [[w:Clint Eastwood|Eastwood]] at his ''finest''. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike. :'''Mike''': Uh, yeah... :'''Servo''', '''Mike''': Same as ''Laserblast''— :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. ''[[w:Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]''— :'''Servo''': Uh huh. :'''Mike''': Uh... here's one, ''[[w:Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]]''— :'''Servo''': No! :'''Mike''': ''[[w:The Great Santini|The Great Santini]]''— :'''Servo''': Oh, I can't believe that! :'''Mike''': ''All'' two-and-a-half stars. :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': The same quality. :'''Crow''': Also known as "Ace", by the way. :'''Mike''': Yes, "Ace". :'''Servo''': ''[as they leave]'' Peers to ''Laserblast''. == Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie ([[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]) == :''[The film begins with a flyby of the Satellite of Love, orbiting over Earth. We then cut to Mike finishing up his daily running exercise. Gypsy, who's holding a towel, watches Mike as he finally finishes his morning routine and goes for a human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Mornin', Mike! :'''Mike''': ''[exhausted]'' Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? ''[drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven. :'''Mike''': ''[taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face]'' And sweet yams? :'''Gypsy''': Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! ''[Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk]'' Here's a hard-copy! ''[gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading]'' The [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] lost again. :'''Servo''': ''[comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches]'' Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm? :'''Mike''': No, Tom. Everything appears nominal. :'''Servo''': Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be? :'''Mike''': ''[listens to the sound/noise]'' Yeah, what is that? :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''what is that'', hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is ''not'' something you should be hearing. Something's ''causing'' this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here.... :'''Mike''': Okay, Tom. Where's Crow? :'''Servo''': ''Where's Crow?'' Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand! :'''Mike''': ''[Turning to Gypsy, alerted]'' Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him! :'''Gypsy''': Roger! ''[familiar ''Commercial Sign'' alarm is active]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to Crow in the S.O.L.'s maintenance ''basement'' bay, inevitably making yet ''another'' escape attempt by digging his way through the hull with a pickaxe.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing [[w:It's a Long Way to Tipperary|It's a Long Way to Tipperary]]]'' It's a ''long way'' to ''tipperary''... ''[*Thunk!*]'' To the ''sweetest'' girl I ''know''...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' Goodbye to [[w:Noah Beery|Noah ''Beery'']]... ''[*Thunk!*]'' Hello [[w:Harold Lloyd|Harold ''LLOOOOOOYD'']]...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' :'''Mike''': ''[O.S.]'' Crow! :'''Crow''': Huh? :'''Mike''': Crow, listen, you gotta stop! :'''Crow''': Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! ''[*Thunk!*] :'''Servo''': ''[hovering down]'' Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space! :'''Crow''': Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! ''[*Thunk!*]'' ''[continues singing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushes to Crow]'' Crow, no! You'll breach the hull! :''[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life]'' WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! :'''Crow''': Woah, I didn't expect ''this''! :'''Servo''': Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... ''Stabilize''! There, that should do it— ''[gets sucked towards hole]'' WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :''[Mike quickly catches Servo, screaming for dear life, by the hand.]'' :'''Crow''': Wow, this ''is'' confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations? :''[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you! Wow, look at that: ''"Breach Hull - All Die"''! Even had it underlined! Hah! :''[Mike is still holding on to the screaming Servo for his dear life.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! ''[*Sproing!*]'' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :''[Servo is pulled out of Mike's hand and straight towards the hole.]'' :'''Mike''': SERVO! :''[Servo ends up landing right-side up on the hole with his hoverskirt.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[impressed and satisfied]'' Attaboy, Servo! :'''Crow''': I won't do ''that'' again! :. . . :'''Servo''': Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether ''new'' to me, and frankly... I ''LOVE'' IT! :'''Mike''': Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts. :'''Crow''': Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway. :'''Mike''': Now, here you go. ''[pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]'' :'''Servo''': ''[upsettingly]'' Aw, darn! :''[*Ding! Ding! DING! ''DING!''*]'' :'''Gypsy''': It's time! Dr. F is calling for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to see Dr. Forrester on the Hexfield Viewscreen, looking through a strand of film reel. Mike and the 'bots wheel in.]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah! Mike! ''Robots!'' I'm feeling particularly ''evil'', because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called ''This Island Earth!'' You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently! :'''Mike''': Uh, sure, we have! Last week! :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, no, no. I think that was more of a ''curtsy'' of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... ''NOW?'' ''[cuts off life support systems]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— ''[starts choking]'' :''[Mike and the 'bots start conforming to Dr. Forrester.]'' :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[panicking]'' Bowing, sir! :'''Servo''': ''[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]'' :''[Pleased, Dr. Forrester restores life support systems. Mike and the 'bots get up from the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez! :'''Crow''': What a dickweed! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go? :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[dejected]'' Yes... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know... :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': You won't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Then, prepare yourself for ''[[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]!'' ''[pulls a lever]'' :''[*''Movie Sign'' Alarm*]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN! :''[Mike and the 'Bots rush to the auditorium, screaming along the way, while the camera treks down through the famous ''Countdown Door Hallway'' that leads to the auditorium.]'' :'''[Dr. Forrester]''': ''[as Mike and the others call out for the Metalunian they were talking with to come back, and Forrester appears on-screen]'' ...Wait, help! Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Surprise, like who '''doesn't''' have an Interocitor, you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater, you ninny-hammers! And remember: I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat! ''[zaps them with lasers from the Interocitor, while laughing evilly]'' I am the God... I'm the God!! ==== This Island Earth (movie) ==== :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as they enter]'' It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had! :'''Mike''': Notice how [[w:Big in Japan (phrase)|big Japan]] is? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Oh, who sneezed on the credits? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen]'' :'''Mike''': Isn't the fact that it's Universal ''make'' it International? <hr width="50%"/> :''["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]'' :'''Servo''': This Island Earth can be yours if [[w:The Price is Right|The Price is Right]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, the universe is really cruisin'! :'''Servo''': Hey, there's [[w:Taurus (constellation)|Taurus the bull]]! :'''Mike''': And over there's the Constellation Feces. :'''Crow''': Oh, look. [[w:Orion Pictures|Orion]] is bankrupt. :'''Servo''': Shatner, Shatner, Shatner... No, he's not in this one, we're ''safe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': When in California, be sure to visit beautiful... :''[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]'' :'''Servo''': ...oh. :'''Crow''': ''[as golf announcer]'' It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital. :'''Mike''': Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a city with a baseball field being in the middle of the shot.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! You can see the [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] losing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh jeez, there's [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer teams laying all over the place!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor. :'''Servo''': Early [[w:LSD|LSD]] tests in the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe running towards the Jeep]'' :'''Crow''': Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose. :'''Dr. Meacham''': Lowering the cylinder. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Inserting the breakfast pastry. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ''[darkly]'' The secret government Eggo project. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Contact [[w:Aunt Jemima|Dr. Jemima]]! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': God, I love the blueberry ones best. :''[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Increase the rate of reaction. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Start warming the syrup! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Yum! :''[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Check rate of radioactive decay. :'''Crow [as Meacham]''': Increase the [[w:Flash Gordon|Flash Gordon]] noises and put more science stuff around.{{hnote|Are you sure about this, Crow? Is this going to apply in other future Sci-Fi films, like ''Star Wars'', of course?}} : . . . :''[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]''': Oh, my God! My waffle! [[w:Hindenburg disaster#Historic newsreel coverage|Oh, the humanity!]] :''[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]'' :'''Mike''': Fries are up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Here's something my wife could use around the house. :'''Crow''': A man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': No, sir. That's paper! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the [[w:Interocitor|Interocitor]].]'' :'''Servo''': But before unpacking – [[w:D'oh!|D'OH]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': There are 2,486 parts. :''[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Uh, 485, sir! :''[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Where do we start? :'''Meacham''': Right here. ''[points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': At Goofy Clown Face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': You know what my kids would say... :'''Servo''': ''[interrupting]'' "You're not my real father!" :'''Joe''': "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!" :'''Meacham''': Plug it in, Joe. :'''Mike''': Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': My name is Exeter. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': ''Doug'' Exeter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': No, farther ''towards'' the killzone, please! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Yeah, God I'm good! :''[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor.]'' :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Dear God, I left the iron plugged in! :''[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope! :''[The Interocetor is now ablaze.]'' :'''Servo''': Quick, get the baking soda! :'''Mike''': Boy, the landlady's going to be mad! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': ''[imitates knocking noise]'' Are you boys cooking up there?! :'''Mike''': No! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': Are you building an Interocetor?! :'''Mike''': ''[casually]'' NO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham pushes a microphone-like [[w:Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brack enters the scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]]! :'''Crow''': He goes through a lot of [[w:Brylcreem|Brylcreem]]. :''[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]'' :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Don't mention his head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Dr. Meacham! Good morning! :'''Meacham''': Good morning. :'''Exeter''': Please, come in. Both of you. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': We're glad you could join us at the [[w:Buddy Ebsen|Buddy Ebsen]] society! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': What I want to know is... :'''Exeter''': ''[interrupting]'' Who we are.... why we're here. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': And why do I have a picture of a burger on the wall? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adams''': Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death. :'''Exeter''': The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': You fine, foxy lady! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve Carlson''': Dr. Adams. :'''Ruth''': Yes, Steve? :'''Mike [as Carlson]''': What's this [[w:Gilligan's Island|"and the rest"]] crap? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]].]'' :'''Meacham''': What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? :'''Exeter''': I'm afraid I don't know the gent— :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien! :'''Exeter''': My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. :'''Meacham''': ''Our'' composer? He belongs to the world. :'''Exeter''': Yes, indeed. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien. : . . . :'''Exeter''': We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': [[w:Alien (creature in Alien franchise)|Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack.]'' :'''Carlson''': Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' NO!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Elliot Ness|Ness]] and his men speed towards [[w: Al Capone|Capone's]] hideout! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, [[w:A Flock of Seagulls|A Flock of Seagulls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]'' :'''Exeter''': Place your hands above the rails. :''[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]'' :'''Exeter''': They're magnetized. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': That's enough. Normal view. :'''Mike, Servo, and Crow''': ''[singing in time with the dramatic music]'' Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW! <hr width="50%'> :''[We get our first look at Metaluna from orbit – and it's a burned-out, bombed-out husk of a planet.]'' :'''Servo''': What kind of shithole planet ''is'' this?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': RUTH! MEACHAM! :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I LOVE YOU! :'''Meacham''': ''[picks up boulder]'' Stand back, Exeter! :'''Exeter''': Meacham, please! You have to believe me! :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': You're holding a Mutant turd! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': ''[to the Mutant]'' Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK! :'''Mike''': ACTING! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go... :''[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain.]'' :'''Crow [as the Mutant]''': OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': Oh, Carl. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Uh, Cal. :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': ... oh, Cal. :'''Ruth''': Home... :'''Meacham''': Thank God it's still here. :'''Crow''': [[w:TGIF|And Friday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000]'' "Puppet Wranglers"? There weren't any puppets in this movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's the Amazing Rando! :'''Servo''': Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind! :'''Crow [as Rando]''': Now, we've never met before, have we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Julie Walker" appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Julie [[w:Walker, Texas Ranger|Walker: Texas Ranger]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credit for [[w:Eastman Kodak|Eastman Film]].]'' :'''Servo''': Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits end with "all rights reserved".]'' :'''Mike''': All rights are reserved, [[w:Dirty Harry|Callahan]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Clint Eastwood|Clint Eastwood]]]''': Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl? == Season 8 == === [[w:Revenge of the Creature|Revenge of the Creature]] === :''[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as [[Planet of the Apes (1968)|George Taylor]]]''': A planet where apes evolved from men? :'''Professor Bobo''': Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': You did it! You finally did it! :'''Professor Bobo''': ''[apathetic]'' "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': It's a madhouse! A... :'''Professor Bobo''': ...madhouse. ''I know!''{{hnote|Planet of the Apes reference.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Gill Man]''': ''[In time with the dramatic music]'' Here I am! I'm the Creature! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Boy, [[w:Esther Williams|Esther Williams]] didn't age well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]'' :'''Miss Abbott''': Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miss Abbott]''': And... evolve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]'' :'''Crow [as a New Yorker]''': Does he got a ''[[w:penis|thing?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]'' :'''Crow''': Everybody's drifting over to the "World of [[w:barnacles|Barnacles]]" exhibit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]'' :'''Servo''': Jeez, the [[w:Josef Mengele|''Mengele'' Institute for Marine Research!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]'' :'''Police Captain''': Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Police Captain]''': The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! === [[w:The Leech Woman|The Leech Woman]] === :''[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]'': :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]]. :'''Mike''': I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns. :'''Servo''': That means you're a sexual predator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]'' :'''Malla''': When we are alone, I will speak. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Talbot]''': Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Neil Foster''': Mrs. Talbot, I know this is painful, but it's one of those things that have to be done when you plan a divorce. :'''Mike [as Neil]''': You have to be married. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]'' :'''Crow [as Guide]''': Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]'' :'''Crow [as Lion]''': Um... [[The Lion King|hakuna matata]]? : . . . :''[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Teri shuts Neil out of her room suddenly, and Sally enters the house]'' :'''Crow [as Neil]''': I realize now what a horrible lie our engagement has been. I frankly feel very disgusted by the thought of- oh hi honey. :'''Sally''': I don't think an explanation will help. Do you wanna try? :'''Servo [as Neil]''': Nah, let's go get a burger. :'''Neil''': No I- I don't. :'''Mike [as Neil]''': I left you some gum in the car... :'''Neil''': I had a drink with Teri and took her bags upstairs. :'''Servo [as Neil]''': There was a bushman in the luggage and he attacked. :'''Neil''': ''[defensive]'' Look, her aunt's an important client and good friend! I- I couldn't just run out! Now don't start imagining things... ''[Sally walks away]'' :'''Crow [as Neil]''': This is the fifties, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]'' :'''Neil''': Teri... would you marry me? :''[Teri pulls away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Neil]''': Uh... uh... I withdraw the question. :'''Teri''': Oh, Neil — I can't. :'''Servo [as Teri]''': Starfleet forbids it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many "African" scenes.]'' :'''Mike''': Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's gonna die of nonchalance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is like a murderous episode of ''[[w:The Lucy Show|Lucy]]''. === [[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]] === :''[The film begins with an introduction from Professor [[w:Frank C. Baxter|Frank C. Baxter]] of the [[w:University of Southern California|University of Southern California]].]'' :'''Baxter''': This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable. :'''Mike''': It's a fabulous funny freak-out. :'''Baxter''': But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over... :'''Crow''': You'll feel dirty. :'''Baxter''': You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told. :'''Servo''': It's a story botched. :'''Baxter''': It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye. :'''Mike''': Peanut nostrils happy clams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]'' :'''Bentley''': We'll make camp here! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot (MST3K)|Crow T. Robot]]''': Then we'll dig our graves over there! === [[w:The Deadly Mantis|The Deadly Mantis]] === :'''Crow''': ''[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth]'' [[w:Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced]]. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[mournfully]'' Yes; the Earth has been destroyed. :'''Mike''': ''[as Movie Sign blares]'' No, even '''worse''' than that; we've got Movie Sign! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For every action... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': There is a [[w:Action_Jackson|Jackson]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]'' :'''Narrator''': Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Canada, our mortal enemy. :'''Narrator''': ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]'' :'''Crow''': You know what? Screw you Greenland! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A volcano erupts.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Menard's Guy]''': It's a magma flow of savings at [[w:Menard's|Menard's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]'' :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford? :'''Crow [as Dr. Jackson]''': General Tennessee Ernie Ford? :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': ... Yes. :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': Well, try lancing it. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over. :'''Mike [as Dr. Jackson]''': General wants another foot massage. :'''Marge Blaine''': Everything alright? :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Of course. :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': They just demoted me to the gift shop. :'''Marge Blaine''': Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you. :'''Crow [as Dr. Jackson]''': It is so! :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Very nosey. :'''Marge Blaine''': Okay, be mysterious. :'''Mike [as Marge]''': I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret? :'''Marge Blaine''': Hope to die. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': They found an old bone up at the north pole. :'''Crow''': ''[as Marge says nothing]'' Mrs. Bert Lahr. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. ''[leaves]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with [[w:premature ejaculation|dishonorable discharge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]'' :'''General Ford''': I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines... :'''Crow [as Ford]''': I'm not gay! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Parkman]''': But I've got a mantis in my pantis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the 'bots are lost travelling through deep space. They're trying to use the radio, only to find out that all of the radio stations are all country music stations.]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy? === [[w:The Thing That Couldn't Die|The Thing That Couldn't Die]] === :''[The black and white Universal logo appears]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': In weather today, the oceans turned black! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with the title: ''The Thing That Couldn't Die''.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]] Story! :'''Mike''': ''Couldn't'' die or ''wouldn't'' die? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Shouldn't? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]'' :'''Jessica''': You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. :'''Servo''': A trade rat? :'''Jessica''': Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. :'''Servo [as Jessica]''': …in Maine. :'''Mike''': You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]'' :'''Mike [as Linda]''': The rats put in a new crystal! :'''Linda''': It still runs. :'''Servo [as [[w:John Cameron Swayze|John Cameron Swayze]]]''': John Cameron Trade-Rat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]'' :'''Gordon''': Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. :'''Mike [as Gordon]''': He had a little tool and die shop down there. :'''Servo [as Gordon]''': I think I got most of the rat droppings off it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]'' :'''Flavia''': What's that? :'''Crow''': Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Oklahoma (musical)|There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The whole movie was leading up to ''this'' shot. :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Brought to you by the Breast Council. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': Buy breasts where you work or bank! === [[w:The Undead (film)|The Undead]] === :''[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie! :''[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That's it, we're doomed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Satan, the Prince of Cabaret. : . . . :'''Mike''': This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater! : . . . :'''Servo''': Peter Pan, Antichrist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]'' :'''Quintus''': We breathe as one. We are one. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Franklin]''': You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. :'''Quintus''': When I touch you… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Quintus]''': [[w:I Touch Myself|I think about myself]]. No, no, no, wait. :'''Quintus''': …we will be one. :'''Servo [as Quintus]''': We'll be me, for convenience' sake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Smolkin grabs a clearly modern shovel.]'' :'''Servo''': Apparently there were Hardware Hanks during the middle ages. :'''Mike [as [[w:Ray_Szmanda|Ray Szmanda]]]''': Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]'' :'''Servo''': Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike. :'''Mike''': ''[cringing]'' Ohh. Damn you, Servo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]'' :'''Servo [as Knight]''': Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a knight confronts Smolkin]'' :'''Knight''': Do you jest with me, gravedigger? :'''Smolkin''': Again, I cannot say- I am mad; and therefore cannot tell a jest from a joust. :'''Mike''': ''[of Smolkin]'' Digs graves and plays with your mind! ... :'''Crow''': ''[as Smolkin]'' And would thoust get me a '''''[[w:Mad (magazine)|Mad Magazine]]'''''? :'''Servo''': ''[as Smolkin]'' I have to watch '''''[[w:Mad About You|Mad About You]]''''' tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]'' :'''Satan''': Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… :'''Crow [as Satan]''': Route 666! :'''Satan''': …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. :'''Mike [as Satan]''': …to sleeping audience. : . . . :'''Mike''': ''[as Satan laughs]'' [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|You're stuck here!]] :'''Satan''': Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"]'' O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]'' :'''Mike [as Knight]''': ''[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue]'' Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Helene expounds on the dilemma facing her:] :'''Mike''': I've never known more about what ''isn't'' going on in a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quintus''': STAAY!! === [[w:Terror from the Year 5000|Terror from the Year 5000]] === :''[Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin.]'' :'''Scientist 1''': Now ''there's'' an interesting sample! :'''Crow''': Now ''there's'' an interesting line read! :'''Scientist 1''': What is it? :'''Scientist 2''': Don't know yet. :'''Servo''': Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire''': I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown. :'''Dr. Hedges''': I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! {{hnote|A line from the song ''One Night in Bangkok'', from the musical Chess.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]'' :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': Now what's going on? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': Who's that other guy? :'''Crow [as Hedges]''': Where are we going? :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': What is this fluid under my feet? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': What happened to the day-ball? :'''Crow''': Let's chip in and buy this movie a light. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! They whacked [[w:Toonces|Toonces]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, he killed a [[w:mafia|made]] canary, so they had to do 'im. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erling''': Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Hedges]''': Genocide? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hedges]''': Slavery? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': Diseased blanket spreading? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]'' :'''Hedges''': Is there a good movie in town? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[snorts]'' Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh heh heh! :''[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]'' :'''Mike, Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Victor/Joe Buck]''': [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please! That's a hideous thought. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in ''[[w:The_Age_of_Innocence_(film)|The Age of Innocence]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Or was it ''[[w:Sense_and_sensibility_(film)|Sense and Sensibility]]''? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I think it was ''[[w:Barfly_(film)|Barfly]]''. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, that's it. === [[w:The She-Creature|The She-Creature]] === :''[To keep the Observers at bay so Pearl and Bobo can escape, the Nanites place a Number 7 move on the planet below]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, what's a Number 7? ''[the planet explodes]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, you blew up '''another''' planet! What is your deal? :'''Mike Nelson''': I just told them to take care of a little problem! :'''Crow''': And they did! Here comes Mike- Destroyer of Worlds! :'''Servo''': Oh God of Fire and Vengeance... stay away from me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]'' :'''Barker Johnny''': I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So she's a carnival ''preceder''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]'' :'''Erickson''': Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee. :'''Andrea''': I'd like that. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Erickson]''': Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Erickson/Fuller]''': My first question: will I get the part in ''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|This Island Earth]]''? :'''Erickson''': What year is it, Andrea? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Elizabeth]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Year of the Cat (song)|The year of the cat]]. :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': 1618, the Year of Our Lord. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elizabeth/[[My Fair Lady|Eliza Doolittle]]]''': In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire. :'''Erickson''': Who is the reigning monarch? :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': [[w:James I of England|James]] [[w:James Stewart (actor)|Stuart]]. :'''Mike [as [[w:It's a Wonderful Life|George Bailey]]]''': Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]'' :'''Lombardi''': There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor? :'''Erickson''': No. :'''Lombardi''': He did what I told him without a single word. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': That's because he's a ''dog''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[gasps]'' Donald Duck has the [[w:One Ring|Ring of Power]]! :... :'''Crow''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] goes snorkeling! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card." <hr width="50%"/> :''[The creature has just mortally attacked Lombardi as blank-faced Dr. Erickson looks on:] :'''Mike [as Erickson]''': Well, mmm, gosh, I, mmm... Hmm. Uh... :... :''[Erickson continues to emote incomprehensibly:] :'''Crow''': Fear? Elation? What is it? :... :'''Crow''': Despair? Love? Joy? Tell us! :... :'''Crow''': Concern? Passion? Hunger? What, Lance? :... :'''Crow''': Ennui? Angst? Apathy? ''Gas?'' :... :'''Servo''': Cold? Jubilant? Headache-y? :'''Mike''': His emotional memory is the previous scene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Man, if ever I wanted to put a movie into a stump grinder, this is the one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[stinger; Bobo lies on the floor of the Camping Planet, in pain from the crash landing]'' :'''Bobo''': ''[weakly]'' Ow; my spine. Ow... === [[w:I Was a Teenage Werewolf|I Was a Teenage Werewolf]] === :''[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing to the ''Bonanza'' theme]'' We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And the 35-year-old high school students look on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Tony]''': But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, [[w:Bonanza#Theme song|Bonanza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Frank]''': ''[muttering]'' "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I ''thinking''? It's like 47 miles! :'''Crow [as Frank]''': I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of. : . . . :'''Servo''': ''I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]'' :'''Mike [as Arlene]''': ...and I like you ''because''...? :'''Tony''': I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this. :'''Crow [as Arlene]''': Because you're a jerk? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a ''high school!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]'' :'''Crow''': Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine! : . . . :''[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Judy Garland|Judy Garland]] runs out of pills. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. :'''Mike''': I thought the night belonged to love. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. === [[w:The Giant Spider Invasion|The Giant Spider Invasion]] === :''[First lines of the movie]'' :'''Man''': Sheriff! :'''Sheriff [Played by [[w:Alan Hale, Jr.|Alan Hale, Jr.]]]''': [[w:Gilligan's Island|Hey, little buddy!]] :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]'' :'''Olga''': Wait, you forgot your back brace. :''[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Ugh, he's pink! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[cheering]'' Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]'' :'''Servo [as Dan]''': Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala! :. . . :'''Dan''': What the [expletive deleted] hell was that? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Dan]''': Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Repeated line]'' :'''Servo, Mike, or Crow [As various people in the mob]''': [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': Like a Rock! {{hnote|This was actually the slogan for Chevrolet pickups.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]'' :'''Mike''': And the movie ''ramps'' up the revulsion! :'''Crow''': This movie hates us, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After interminable redneck hijinks, the film cuts to astronomer Dr. Jenny Langer in a laboratory.]'' :'''Crow''': A showered person... thank God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]'' :'''Ev''': Diamonds are supposed to cut glass. :'''Crow''': Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy! :'''Dan''': ''[walks toward window]'' :'''Servo''': Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape! :''[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]'' :'''Crow [as Dan]''': [[w:Aryan Nation|...Aryan...Nation]]...rules... :'''Dan''': ''[excited]'' Will you look at that!? :'''Mike [as Dan]''': ''[excited]'' I made a [sic] "R"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]'' :'''Ev''': You look like you could use a drink. :'''Servo [as Ev]''': And a shower, and a job. :'''Dan''': I found another body... :'''Mike [as Ev]''': Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]'' :'''Mike''': I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]'' :'''Mike [as Spiders]''': We're your dirty socks! Wash us! :'''Crow''': Giant ''Puppet'' Invasion! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]'' :'''Servo [as Spider]''': Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]'' :'''Crow [as a mob member]''': Free [[w:Bobby Seale|Bobby Seale!]] :'''Servo [as a mob member]''': [[w:Free Mumia|Free Mumia!]] :'''Mike [as a mob member]''': Free beer! . . . :'''Mike''': ''[as another mob member]'' No more schools; more hockey arenas! . . . :'''Sheriff''': ''[observing the mob from a distance]'' They're hell-bent on destroyin' that thing! :'''Crow''': ''[as a mob member]'' We're hell-bent! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I'd like to say a few words. Uh, this guy's dead, the end. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as more townspeople fall victim to the giant spiders]'' And yet, [[w:Bill Rebane|Bill Rebane]] escapes unharmed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as the film credits roll]'' You know, when Barbara Hale won her Oscar, she gave a very touching speech where she said- to effect- "VAAAAANCE!!". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[urging Bobo to fight back against the alien pods]'' You're the only one who can do it; you're a magnificant mountain gorilla. You are Bobo- son of Koko! :'''Bobo''': Yes- yes! '''And''' heir to the great lineage of [[w:Saru No Gundan|Godo]], Mogo and [[w:Speed Racer|Chim-Chim]]! ''[springs into action with an invigorated roar]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobo''': I saved you and the whole galaxy! Aren't you proud? :'''Pearl''': You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my [pod clone] body. Brain guy, send them the movie - ''again.'' :'''Mike, & The Bots [over the credits]''': MOVIE SIGN! AGAIN! === [[w:Parts: The Clonus Horror|parts: the clonus horror]] === :''[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]'' :'''Mike''': Hooray for the '70s! :'''Crow''': [[w:Shaun Cassidy|Shaun Cassidy]] for President! :'''Servo''': We want [[w:Billy Beer|Billy Beer]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']'' :'''Crow''': Apparently [[w:e. e. cummings|e. e. cummings]] wrote it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': Oh, I don't think this is headed toward a happy ending. :'''Mike''': Y'know, at this point any ending would make me happier than I've ever been. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Dick Sargent|Dick Sargent]]. Didn't he play [[w:Dick York|Dick York]] on ''[[w:Bewitched|Bewitched]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Guide]''': This is not ''sanctioned'', gentlemen. You are doing this on your own… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]'' :'''Lena''': I like it. It gives me time to write. :'''Richard''': Write? :'''Lena''': Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas. :'''Crow [as Lena]''': I've already filled a [[w:Post-it note|Post-it note]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex beside a campfire and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]'' :'''Crow:''' Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey! :. . . :''[Later, David picks up a book]'' :'''Mike [as David]:''' ''Crotch Fires and You''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]'' :'''Mike [as Richard/[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|Winston Smith]]]''': Whaddya know — we ''aren't'' at war with Eurasia! : . . . :''[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes! : . . . :'''Mike [as Richard]''': Black helicopter… [[w:Roswell UFO Incident|Roswell]]… [[w:Area 51|Area 51]]… [[w:Waco Siege|Waco]]… [[w:Coca-Cola formula|formula for Coca-Cola]]… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jake''': This place you keep talking about, Clonus... :'''Servo [as Jake]''': Is there a bar? :. . . :'''Jake''': Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything? :'''Crow [as Jake]''': Speaking of, where's the bathroom? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]'' :'''Rick''': You knew about the tape, didn't you? :'''Jeff''': Yeah. You saw the tape? :'''Rick''': Yeah, and it's scary. :'''Crow [as Rick]''': [[w:Adam Sandler|Adam Sandler]]'s in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]]''': "[[w:James Arness|James Arness]]: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on [[w:Biography (TV series)|Biography]]. === [[w:The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies]] === :''[As the show opens, the Bots are doing [[w:Walkathon|walkathons]].]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, what about you, Servo? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development". :'''Mike''': Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group. :'''Servo''': No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the ''acronym'', Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod". <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]'' :'''Mike''': The shroud of [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]]. :. . . :'''Servo''': Face is the result of slash and burn shaving. :'''Mike [as zombie]''': You'd tell me if my face was disintegrating, right? :'''Servo''': He's turning into a brisket. :'''Crow''': It's a portrait of [[w:Bob Dole|Bob Dole]]'s inner child. :. . . :'''Crow''': He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair. :. . . :'''Crow''': [[Tom Petty]] in the morning. :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee. :''[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the music in the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': The organ has emphysema. :. . . :'''Mike''': Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the "[[w:Libby's|Libby's]], Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle]'' If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it... :'''Mike''': The music's gonna break into "[[w:Chest Fever|Chest Fever]]" any minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]'' :'''Jerry''': The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... ''depressed''. :'''Mike''': ''[[w:Highlights for Children#Goofus & Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]'', the movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': How's college? :'''Madison''': Fine. You should try it some time. :'''Jerry''': No thanks. The world's my college. :'''Crow''': He's taking it pass-fail. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "[[w:Silent Night|Silent Night]]"-like tune.]'' :'''Mike''': You know, the 14-year-old boys who snuck in with fake IDs, they gotta be feeling profoundly ripped off at this point. :'''Crow''': Yep. :'''Servo''': The "Feliz Navidad" dancers. :. . . :'''Crow''': Now, were these dance numbers supposed to be provocative or merely boring? :'''Mike''': Well, provocative in their boringness? :. . . :'''Mike''': Hair-trigger precision. They're like the [[w:Blue Angels|Blue Angels]] of dancing. :'''Servo''': Yeah, one wrong move and they all ''crash''. :'''Crow''': There's something ''Laverne & Shirley''-esque about this. :. . . :'''Servo''': ''Riverdance'': The strip show! :'''Mike''': Ah, halftime at the Orange Bowl. Never fails to disappoint. :. . . :'''Mike''': So how is this a tribute to Madeline Albright? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Carmelita performs]'' :'''Crow''': Joel Grey, ladies and gentlemen. :'''Servo''': Isn't that the guy Danny Bonaduce beat up? :'''Mike''': Watch as she walks around. :'''Crow''': You know, Noam Chomsky should pick better warm-up acts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carol and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]'' :'''Mike [as Carol]''': First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your… :'''Mike, Crow [as Chorus]''': [[w:Schick (razors)|Schick]] out of shape! :'''Servo''': Now, everybody— shave! :'''Crow''': Replace your blade every two weeks! :'''Mike''': No nicks or cuts! Comfort and convenience! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]'' :'''Servo''': [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own ''gravy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]'' :'''Jerry''': Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me. :'''Harold''': Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know? :'''Jerry''': ''[shocked]'' ''Job''? :'''Servo [as Jerry]''': I'm a respected neurosurgeon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing who played Madison]'' :'''Mike''': Madison is, Madison. :'''Crow''': Drunk played by himself. Hobo, himself. Stripper, herself. === [[w:Jack Frost (1964 film)|Jack Frost]] === :''[Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''':[[w:Jack Sprat|...could eat no...frost.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson IS... '''''LORD OF THE DANCE'''''! :'''Gypsy''': Oh!... did the other one die? :'''Crow''': I dunno... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[after Mike finishes a display of dancing]'' Oh... Um, yaaay! Well, there's this sink I need to take a look at, so I'll just... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Stepmother forces Nastenka to knit outside in the night]'' :'''Stepmother''': Here's a place where you can knit, Nastka, and you won't wake my darling, little Marfushka. The moon is out, there's plenty of light. :'''Mike [as the Stepmother]''': [[w:Chernobyl disaster|Chernobyl]]'s on fire, it's great! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]'' :'''Mike''': So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]'' :'''Crow''': Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl returns from dropping off the Space Children, finding Bobo and Brain Guy debating over which ape movie is better: [[w:Every Which Way But Loose|Every Which Way But Loose]] or [[w:Any Which Way You Can|Any Which Way You Can]] ] :'''Pearl''': What the hell is going on here? Thinking ''Every Which Way But Loose'' is the best ape movie... what do you know about ape movies? The best ape movie- '''the''' best ape movie- ever is ''[[w:Dunston Checks In|Dunston Checks In]]''; end of story. ''[adresses the Satelite of Love, unaware Mike is behind her]'' Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! :'''Mike''': Uh, I'm right here. :'''Pearl''': Oh... ''[turns around to face Nelson]'' ...until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Russian names are on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stepmother''': ''[after telling Nastenka to knit socks outside]'' They better be done by the time the rooster crows, you hear me? Otherwise, I'll tear your braid off! :'''Crow''': ''[as Nastenka, singing]'' M is for the many times you beat me... O is for the other times you beat me... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]'' :'''Nastenka''': Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Sun]''': And you are…? :'''Nastenka''': Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Sun]''': ''[beeps]'' This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume… :''[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's ''fine''; you knit your ''sock''. : . . . :'''Nastenka''': Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn! :'''Mike [as Mafia don]''': Some day you'll return the favor... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This is a test of the [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|Emergency Broadcast Chicken]]. :'''Servo''': Man, [[w:Saint Peter#Denial of Jesus|Peter]] must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] gets drunk and screws with his neighbors. : . . . :'''Crow''': If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape! <hr width="50%"/> :''[To prevent Ivan from killing a mother bear, Nastenka turns a bucket over his head. Father Mushroom then casts a spell. When the bucket is removed, Ivan has been turned in to a bear.] :'''Ivan''': Nastenka! :'''Servo''': It was her bucket full of [[w:Minoxidil|Rogaine]]. :'''Ivan''': What's the matter? :'''Crow [as Ivan]''': Am I un-''bear''-able? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Ivan realizes he was turned into a bear]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Ivan]'' Damn it, [[A Midsummer Night's Dream|Puck]]! This time you've gone too far! :'''Ivan''': What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?! :'''Mike''': ''[as Ivan, crying and running off]'' Mommy!! :'''Servo''': ''[as Ivan/Yogi]'' [[The Yogi Bear Show|I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket]]! :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka! :'''Crow''': ''[as Nastenka]'' We have to register at Club Wed! :'''Nastenka''': Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you! :'''Ivan''': ''[angrily]'' I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch! :'''Servo''': Tonight on a very special [[w:The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams|Grizzly Adams]]. :'''Mike''': ''[as Nastenka]'' Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivan''': ''[lamenting over the loon he shot which led him to Nastenka, after he has been turned into a bear]'' I killed you with an arrow, and you ruin me with a feather! :'''Crow''': ''[as Ivan]'' It's funny when you think about it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:KGB|KGB]] has her under surveillance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Ivan begs Father Mushroom to be told how to undo his curse]'' :'''Father Mushroom''': Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask... :'''Servo''': ''[as Father Mushroom]'' Do I crap in the woods? :'''Father Mushroom''': ...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; '''only''' yourself. You offended everyone else. :'''Crow''': Heed these words, Mike. :'''Father Mushroom''': Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings. :'''Ivan''': I hurt her feelings?! :'''Father Mushroom''': You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice: :'''Mike''': ''[as Father Mushroom]'' Shave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in [[w:Narnia|Narnia]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a [[w:Matryoshka doll|Matryoshka doll]].]'' :'''Stepmother''': Nope! Not a princess. :'''Servo''': She's got that healthy clown glow. :'''Marfushka''': Oh, no? :'''Stepmother''': You are a ''queen''! :'''Mike''': In that you look like [[w:Freddie Mercury|Freddie Mercury]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond]'' And the Freelance Shame Squad is there! . . . :''[later the group returns and the camera focuses on a blond-haired boy in the crowd]'' :'''Servo''': It's a young Mike Nelson! :'''Mike''': ''[offended]'' Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom is seen observing Ivan from a distance]'' :'''Servo''': Mushroom Guy is really starting to piss me off! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Hunchback Fairy/Baba Yaga has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]'' :'''Ivan''': Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry! :'''Fairy''': Are you afraid? :'''Ivan''': Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel! :'''Mike [as Ivan]''': ...the flat part, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Hunchback Fairy offers to lead Ivan to Nastenka, as she pulls out a pig-shaped sled and enchants it]'' :'''Fairy''': ''Foul is fair, and fair is foul...'' :'''Servo''': ''[as sled]'' Oink, ma'am. :'''Ivan''': What's that? :'''Fairy''': Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. ''[throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase]'' :'''Servo''': She left it in drive. :'''Fairy''': ''[calling out to Ivan, chuckling]'' Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me! :'''Crow''': Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandfather Frost appears and demonstrates his power by spreading snow and frost through the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as Grandfather Frost]'' Eat lead, spring! :'''Crow''': ''[as Grandfather Frost]'' I do frost, and I do it well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]'' :'''Frost's Voice''': Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]'' :'''Random Unknown Voice''': Look who's here! :'''Servo''': Thank you, Anonymous Voice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.]'' :'''Crow [as Nastenka]''': We spit on your doorstep! :'''Servo''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Crow''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Mike [as her hectored father]''': Please take me with you, please, please... :'''Nastenka''': I'd like you to meet... :'''Servo [as Nastenka]''': Uh, what's your name again? :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka, my fiance. :'''Crow [as Ivan through a forced smile]''': I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka confronts Grandfather Frost while lost in the woods]'' :'''Marfushka''': Bring on my fiancé, and give me a dowry; a great big dowry... ''[shoves Frost to the ground]'' ...and make it quick! :'''Crow''': ''[as Marfushka]'' You stuttering frosted freak! :'''Frost''': H-help! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]'' :'''Crow''': It's a three-pig open sleigh! :'''Servo''': On [[w:Charlotte's Web|Wilbur]]! On [[w:Gordy|Gordy]]! On [[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:"It's" man|It's…]] :'''Mike''': It's… :'''Crow''': It's… a convention of [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]] imitators! : . . . :'''Servo''': They're singing about controlling their nose hair. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Seven Dwarves]]! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the bandits' cudgels Ivan threw into the air earlier in the movie come back down and hit the bandits on the head, as one of them lets out a genuinely pained groan after getting hit]'' :'''Crow''': Ooh! This isn't funny; he actually got hurt, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]'' :'''Hunchback Fairy''': My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it! :'''Crow''': Well, maybe you should have diversified more! === [[w:Gemini Man (TV series)|Riding with Death]] === :''[In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ''(panting)'' Oh, great! Just what I need! :'''Bobo''': Medic! Medic! :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': ''[enters wearing nurse's outfit]'' Here I am! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal? :'''Observer''': My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aid. ''(begins attending to Forrester's wound)'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ...what's that smell?! :'''Observer''': Oh! Mustard gas! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Mustard gas! Get the masks! :'''Bobo''': Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch. :'''Observer''': Good god, ape... :'''Mrs. Forrester''': That's it, we're pulling out! :''[Clanking sound is heard]'' :'''Observer''': Hand grenade! :'''Bobo''': Grenade! I'll save you! ''[throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast! :'''Observer''': ''[looks up]'' It's a good thing I don't have a body... ''[flops back down]'' :''[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda... :'''Crow''': I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or— :'''Mike''': ''[ignoring Crow]'' ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that... :'''Servo''': D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike. :'''Crow''': Just a little too much. :''[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]'' :'''Mike''': And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired... :'''Crow''': Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda— :'''Mike''': ''[again ignoring Crow]''It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that... :'''Servo''': So! Bombs away, Mike! :'''Crow''': Okay, Mike! Bombs away! :'''Mike''': Oh! Right... ''[Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer]'' :'''Crow''': Bombs away, Mike! :'''Servo''': Bombs away! ''[to Crow]'' Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper. :'''Crow''': Is that so? :''[Mike reenters without the bomb]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee... :'''Mike''': There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction... :'''Crow''': A little distraction! :''[Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[gets back up]'' Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now? :'''Servo''': Think so... :'''Crow''': And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!{{hnote|That's the third time Mike's destroyed a planet!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]'' :'''Mike''': Universal, except for you, [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]. :'''Crow''': You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] story. :'''Crow''': And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Is there such a thing as ''starring'' Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is ''pointed'' at Ben Murphy? :. . . :'''Crow''': Starring rejects from Harry-O. :. . . :'''Servo''': If [[w:Clu Gulager|Clu Gulager]] isn't in this, it'll be very wrong. :'''Mike''': [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]], come on! Please, please, please, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Dennis Franz's hairy butt cheeks? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ah, that gooey [[w:Los Angeles|LA]] sky. :'''Mike''': Birds? Nope. All dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]'' :'''Mike''': The world's most difficult math test. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. '''Servo''' makes glass-wiping noises throughout.]'' :'''Mike [as Driscoll]''': What is ''on'' these things? :'''Driscoll''': The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But... :'''Crow [as Driscoll]''': I have to clean my glasses first. :'''Driscoll''': Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us... :'''Servo [as Driscoll]''': My glasses are filthy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Mechanic]''': ''[evilly]'' They don't call me ''"Karl"'' for nothing. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': So, how does cutting my brake lines help the shocks? Eh, I'm not the mechanic! <hr width="50%"/> :<span id="CrowSyndrome-RwD">''[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]''</span> :'''Sam''': Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67. :'''Crow''': "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex. :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now. :'''Servo [as Sam]''': My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours— :'''Mike, Servo''': Ugh—Crow! : . . . :''[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]'' :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now. :'''Crow''': You said ''I'' was bad. :'''Mike''': You inspired me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]'' :'''Crow [as Buffalo Bill]''': ''[[w:The Dukes of Hazzard|Dukes of Hazzard]]'' got renewed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]'' :'''Mike [as Denby]''': Cupcake! Get [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie the Kid]] and [[w:Hostess|Fruitpie the Magician]]! === [[w:Agent for H.A.R.M.|Agent for H.A.R.M.]] === :''[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hirsute [[w:astronauts|Astronauts]] Revile [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heuristic Analog Rental Meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Adam]''': Solid [[w:Balsa|balsawood]], baby! : . . . :''[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]'' :'''Adam''': This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the [[w:judo|judo]] range. :'''Mike''': The judo ''range''? : . . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Adam]''': Meet me at the [[w:karate|karate]] [[w:rink|rink]] later. : . . . :''[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]'' :'''Adam''': Judo range! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Adam]''': Then go practice your [[w:Skeet shooting|skeet]] [[w:kendo|kendo]] and bring your [[w:aikido|aikido]] [[w:rifle|rifle]], too. :'''Mike [as Student]''': Gotta get into my judo [[w:bikini|bikini]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam:''' I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear? :'''Servo [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers. :'''Dr. Stefanik:''' Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. ''[Walks away.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' I'll go get the cot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam''': You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz? :'''Crow''': And hula hoops and dungarees? :'''Adam''': Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it! :'''Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]''': I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, why were you choking the monkey? :'''Mike''': Because Bobo is such... HEY!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]'' :'''Ava''': Are you coming, or do I swim alone? :'''Crow [as Adam]''': Yes, and yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]'' :'''Crow''': This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % ''[bleep]''ing not guilty. And if you ''[bleep]''s don't ''[bleep]'' find him innocent, then you can just ''[bleep]''ing kiss my fat ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. And that ''[bleep]''ing goes for your bull''[bleep]'' court system, too! Mike, I'm so ''[bleep]''ing sorry I couldn't ''[bleep]''ing be there for this ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''y really bogus trial, man. But let me ''[bleep]'' tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd ''[bleep]''ing kick everyone's fat stupid ''[bleep]''ing behinds and then cram it up their ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this ''[bleep]'' helps. Take care, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]'' :'''Mike''': Here's the wind up.... :''[Adam smiles smugly to himself]'' :'''Mike''': ...and ''there's'' the smarm! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]'' :'''Mike [as Adam]''': Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger! :'''Servo''': Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you! === [[w:Planet Prince|Prince of Space]] === :''[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Prince (musician)|I'm in space already! Damn!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]'' :'''Mother''': The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...the dining room? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]'' :'''Spaceship''': Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Crank whore? :'''Spaceship''': Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV Advert. announcer]''': Veterans cannot be turned down! : . . . :'''Crow [as Mickey]''': That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it ''very much''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]'' :'''Crow [as Headline]''': Krankor: Nothing to Worry About. :'''Mike [as Headline]''': [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]] Sent to Fight Krankor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.]'' :'''Crow [as periscope]''': I am the lemon zester of destruction! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': A rare Godzilla-free day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We hear a barking dog running past]'' :'''Servo [As dog, with Japanese accent]''': Rufforu! Bow-a-wow! :''[A police car drives past in the same direction]'' :'''Mike''': ''After that dog!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway. :. . . :''[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': An exchange of deadly [[w:Negative (photography)|negative]] scratches! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]'' :'''Phantom''': Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— ''[movie skip]'' —ren! :'''Mike''': "Kill some ''diffren''"? :'''Servo''': "Diffren"? :'''Prince''': I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! :'''Crow''': You hear that, [[w:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]'' :'''CO''': Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. :'''Mike [as CO]''': I understand you're [[w:Manicotti|stuffed with cheese]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.] :'''Mike [as Prince of Space]''': Swing me over there, trusty string! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Set whole fryers to stun! :'''Mike''': The upper half of a [[w:Edward Hopper|Hopper]] painting. :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Oh! A giant roast chicken! :'''Crow [as Citizen]''': It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! :'''Mike [as Citizen]''': It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Ohhhhh! :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Potatoes or stuffing?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]'' :'''Phantom''': What a fool! :'''Servo [as Phantom]''': He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[on the Prince of Space]'' His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wally''': Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen! :'''Mike [as Wally]''': [[w:Tannin|Get out of my wine!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phantom''': Now, gentlemen, your time has come. Prepare to leave Krankor. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What's that? :'''Phantom''': Prepare to leave. Each of you will enter a space capsule. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What!? :'''Servo''': For cryin' out loud... '''EACH! OF! YOU! WILL! ENTER! A! SPACE! CAPSULE!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Phantom is hiding behind the door as Prince of Space bursts in; Phantom quietly exits.] :'''Mike''': The easily-bamboozled Prince of Space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Speaking of the monster which guards Krankor:] :'''Phantom''': Quite right, my dear Macken. A monster which I created. He obeys my slightest command. :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Like, "Wander around aimlessly and gain weight." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space has survived a thermal trap.]'' :'''Prince of Space''': Enough of this! When will you ever learn your guns won't work on me? :'''Phantom''': Shoot him! :'''Mike [as henchman]''': Brilliant new plan, sir! === [[w:The Horror of Party Beach|The Horror of Party Beach]] === :''[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]'' :'''Servo''': A-hehehehe! [[w:Wipe Out (instrumental)|Horror!]] :'''Crow''': Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Mike''': Nude driving: a new fad among the teens. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]'' :'''Mike''': What is "additional dialogue", anyway? :'''Crow''': Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Sturgis: a city on the move! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own ''head'' with drawn butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Men should ''not'' have bikini areas! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': I'm starting to agree with the [[w:Taliban|Taliban]] militia: dancing should not be allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': MY SKULL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. :'''Servo''': So, radiation has a sense of humor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]''': ''[singing to "[[w:Chances Are (song)|Chances Are]]"]'' :: Chances are :: That I'll kick your scrawny ass... :. . . :''[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]'' :'''Mike [as Gang Leader]''': You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eulabelle''': It's a human thing, Dr. Gavin! :'''Crow [as Eulabelle]''': You wouldn't understand! :. . . :'''Dr. Gavin''': Nothing is solved in a few hours. This will require a lot of research. :'''Eulabelle''': And while you're researching, there's something creeping and crawling and lurking around out there. :'''Dr. Gavin''': That's enough! :'''Mike [as Dr. Gavin]''': You're scaring me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monsters attack an all-girl [[w:Sleepover|slumber party]]]'' :'''Mike''': [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel ''compelled'' to raid. :'''Servo''': Every male of ''any'' species has the biological urge to [[w:Panty raid|panty-raid]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look [[w:nail polish|Polish]]"]'' :'''Mike''': Wait— "Look [[w:Poles|Polish]]?" :'''Servo''': Huh? :'''Mike''': It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—''see?'' It says "Look Polish"! :'''Servo''': "Look Polish"! :'''Crow''': Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]'' :'''Elaine''': ''[whispering]'' I hear something. :'''Servo [as Elaine]''': ''[whispering]'' He's coming! Look Polish, everyone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': What are we looking at and why are we looking at it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The time of day has been changing]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... . === [[w:Devil Doll (film)|Devil Doll]] === :'''Tom Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Have you seen Crow? :'''Mike Nelson''': Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing. :'''Servo''': Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about... :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[offscreen]'' DEBBIE!! :'''Mike Nelson''': Debbie, right; that's it. :'''Crow''': ''[offscreen]'' Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! ''[punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]'' :'''Servo''': ''[wincing]'' Oh, please, say that was a lamp! :'''Mike Nelson''': Uh, it was probably just a lamp. :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie! :'''Servo''': He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in! :'''Crow''': I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care! :'''Mike Nelson''': Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie. :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' I don't care! Debbie! Let me go! :'''Servo''': ''[also sobbing]'' My windoooowww! :''[some time later]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': There, there, Crow. :'''Crow''': Debbie... :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful? :'''Crow''': I think I like the Debbie one better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl and Observer/Brain Guy attempt to liven up a gathering in Roman times with a toga party, before deciding on another approach...]'' :'''Observer''': Pants party! :'''Emperor''': ''[as crowd whoops and cheers]'' These are remarkable, and '''''vastly''''' superior to our own apparel! :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' Ah; that's better. . . . :''[later as the two are guests at a gladiator match]'' :'''Emperor''': ''[greeting the crowd]'' Citizens, if you haven't already noticed- I'm wearing '''pants'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera cuts to Hugo in the back seat of a car as it drives along.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' I'm driving with my ''mind!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[A Hard Day's Night (film)|Am I a mod or a rocker]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[to the other robots]'' You know, if it weren't for rock n' roll, ventriloquy would've been huge. :'''Crow''': ''[as Vorelli, while the audience claps at the end of a show]'' Thank you halfway-houses and geriatric wards! :'''Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Thrill as he doesn't talk and I don't move my lips! :'''Mike''': ''[audience continues applauding]'' Keep clapping, and he might never get to his act! :''[Vorelli leaves the stage with Hugo and his assistant]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Hugo]'' That sucked! Even '''I''' didn't believe I was talking! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free. :''[Later in the same shot]'' :'''Crow''': Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a [[w:Rotary dial|rotary phone]]]'' :'''Servo''': So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger... :'''Servo''': ''[as the Great Vorelli]'' Then I'll be right back. :'''The Great Vorelli''': That he may die at any moment. :''[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the Great Vorelli]'' Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the camera zooms in on Vorelli's face and the color inverts as it focuses on his eyes]'' :'''Servo''': ''[of Vorelli]'' A Scotch egg! No, wait; that's his face. :'''The Great Vorelli''': ''[to the volunteer]'' You told me that in China, you once saw a man executed in the streets. :'''Mike''': [[w:The Manchurian Candidate|The Manchurian Ventriloquist]]! :'''The Great Vorelli''': I want you to imagine you are in his place. :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Why so negative? . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Vorelli continues speaking to the volunteer in excessive detail of his situation]'' Should we really call '''''this''''' the "Wacky Fun Time Revue"? . . . :'''All''': ''[as crowd]'' Hooray; more! :''[Vorelli snaps his fingers to break the volunteer out of his tense stupor]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Hey; pay attention! :'''Crow''': ''[as crowd claps]'' Ha ha; we love your cruelty! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo performs with The Great Vorelli]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight? :'''Hugo''': Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing. :'''The Great Vorelli''': What do you mean? :'''Hugo''': Simply that you are laughing while I am talking. :'''The Great Vorelli''': And what's wrong with that? :'''Hugo''': Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny. :'''The Great Vorelli''': Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Min-wax, Hugo? :'''Hugo''': ''[noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine]'' Give me some wine. I want some wine. :'''The Great Vorelli''': A dummy? Drinking wine? :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Spodie-odie? :'''The Great Vorelli''': Don't be ridiculous! :'''Hugo''': I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' [[w:A Charlie Brown Christmas|All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!]] :'''The Great Vorelli''': You are a dummy, Hugo. :'''Crow''': ''[as the audience claps]'' The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]'' :'''Crow: '''[as Hugo]'' You think ''he'' likes ham? Wait 'til you see ''me'' like ham! <hr width="50%"/> :''[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': This time- Hugo- you are going to die. :'''Crow''': ''[as Mercedes]'' At this point, t'ere were some warning signs... ... :'''Mercedes''': He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and... looked at the ceiling. Then... he died. He died. :'''Mike''': ''[as Mark]'': Did he live? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Hugo... :'''Mike [as the Great Vorelli]''': Have you been shaving your legs with this again? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]'' :'''Mike''': [as Hugo]'': Please cover my cage... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English (played by [[w:William Sylvester|William Sylvester]]) is sleeping]'' :'''Servo''': You know, [[w:Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick]] saw this scene and said "We found our [[w:Heywood Floyd|Heywood Floyd]]!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]'' :'''Hugo''': [[w:Dog Day Afternoon|Attica! Attica!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Hugo in Vorelli's body]'' I'm sweaty because I was choking a puppet. Ah, no no, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as the film ends]'' Hugo the Dummy was arraigned in Superior Court, County of Los Angeles; in a moment, the results of that trial. === [[w:Invasion of the Neptune Men|Invasion of the Neptune Men]] === :''[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]'' :'''Tibana''': So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The "Roji-Panty Complex"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]''': HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]'' :'''Servo''': That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud! :. . . :'''Crow''': They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor. :. . . :''[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]'' :'''Crow [as Space Chief]''': Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men approach Earth]'' :'''Mike''': Shoot at Earth all you want, just ''get [[w:Bill Maher|Bill Maher]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]'' :'''Servo [as the Japanese]''': Oh, let's call our friends [[w:Korea under Japanese rule|the Koreans]]! Oh, oh no—[[w:Russo-Japanese War|the Russians]]! Well, no. [[w:Nanking Massacre|The Chinese]]! Oh, well, I guess not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]'' :'''Mike''': I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly ''[[w:Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]'' seems a richly-nuanced movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': To be dead... to be nothing... to watch Neptune Men no more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]'' :'''Crow''': So whatever happened to Space Chef? :'''Mike''': That's "Chief." :'''Crow''': ''Chief'' Chef? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Y'know, Space Chief should try going into ''space'' sometime! :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief. :'''Mike''': Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of [[w:Adolph Hitler|Hitler]] being blown up]'' :'''Crow''': ''[royally confused]'' What the...? :'''Servo''': They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia? :'''Crow''': All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers! :'''Mike''': The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of... :'''Crow''': [[w:Planet_of_the_Apes_%281968_film%29|They blew it up!]] :. . . :'''Crow''': Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where ''you'' grew up? :'''Mike''': Not, uh...no. No. :'''Crow''': Sure? :'''Mike''': ...Yeah. :. . . :''[Another spaceship begins to dive] :'''Crow''': What next? The [[w:Mussolini|Mussolini]] Mall? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Followed by the [[w:Pinochet|Pinochet]] Petting Zoo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]'' :'''Crow''': So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about [[w:Stock footage|stock footage]] that would get us through this? :'''Servo''': Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... ''[thundering]'' '''''EAT IT, MOVIE!''''' :'''Crow''': Whoa! Whoa! :'''Servo''': ''[still ranting]'' '''TAKE THIS ''STUPID'' LITTLE ''COCKROACH'' OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP ''SOOOOO'' TIGHT, AND THEN ''RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR''—''' ''[begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow tries to hurry along a tensionless countdown:]'' :'''Scientist''': Ten, nine, eight... :'''Crow''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, right. One... :'''Scientist''': Seven... :'''Crow''': One. :'''Scientist''': Six... :'''Crow''': One! :'''Scientist''': Five... :'''Crow''': ''One!!'' :'''Scientist''': Four, three... :'''Crow''': '''''ONE!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]'' :'''Servo''': Space Chief's off having a couple [[w:Sapporo Brewery|Sapporos]] with [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Godzilla_vs._Megalon|Jet Jaguar]] and [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Prince_of_Space|Prince of Space]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The top of the Neptunian commander's helmet is adorned with a flat plexiglas disc.]'' :'''Crow [as commander]''': Say, has anyone seen my record? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children approach a small Neptunian probe which has just landed:]'' :'''Servo [as probe]''': Oh, no, you kids again? Is there ''anyone'' else on this planet? === [[w:Space Mutiny|Space Mutiny]] === :''[repeated line]'' :'''Servo (as various characters)''': Did you sign Sherry's card? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]'' :'''Crow''': It lists [[w:Hitler|Hitler]] as a "fairly stable veteran of [[w:World War I|the Great War]]." :'''Mike''': Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory." :'''Crow''': Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff? :'''Mike''': Well, I used them when I was a kid. ''[Blows dust off a volume]'' They seemed fine then. :'''Crow''': The periodic table has ''three'' elements in it, Mike! :'''Servo''': There's a volume for the letter ''epsilon.'' :'''Crow''': There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu. :'''Servo''': It's got a picture of Stonehenge! :'''Mike''': So? :'''Servo''': Under construction?! :'''Mike''': So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set. :'''Servo''': Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]'' :'''Mike''': Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "[[w:Battlestar Galactica|Battlestar Galactica]]"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Special effects by [[w:Industrial Light and Magic|Industrial Light and Morons]].{{hnote|Takes us back to good ol' Memory Lane!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lea]''': My ''Buns of Steel'' videos are in there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]'' :'''Servo [as Jansen]''': But what of the little children and their toys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Devers''': Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships. :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I agree. :'''Mike [as Jensen]''': I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]'' :'''Mike [as Kalgan]''': Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]'' :'''MacPhearson''': Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement. :'''Mike''': I disagree! :'''MacPhearson''': Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the ''Southern Sun''. :'''Chief Engineer''': Then let him do so alone. :'''Engineer Parsons''': This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report. :'''Crow [as Parsons]''': I just have to wet myself first. :'''MacPhearson''': Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future? :'''Chief Engineer''': We'll not allow that! No! :'''Servo''': The easily led wise council. :''[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]'' :'''Engineer Parsons''': Let me go, traitors! :'''Mike [as Parsons]''': What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww! :'''Crow''': Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it! :'''Servo''': Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them. :'''Crow''': Death by snicker-snag! :''[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick] :'''Mike''': I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs! :'''Servo [as MacPhearson]''': Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party." :'''MacPhearson''': Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason? :'''Mike''': I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir! :'''MacPhearson''': Report to the enforcers' bridge. :'''Servo''': Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, lady! :'''Lea''': Doctor! :'''Ryder''': ''Doctor''. :'''Crow''': ''Doctor'' Lady! :. . . :'''Ryder''': I had to eject! I had no other choice! :'''Servo [as Lea]''': That's ''Doctor'' I Had No Other Choice! :. . . :''[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel. :'''Mike''': It's ''Doctor'' Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no, the death of [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]]! :'''Servo''': [[w:Jessie's Girl|I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Herve Villechaize|Herve Villechaize]]'s Death Car. :'''Mike''': Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy! :'''Crow [as Ryder]''': Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of ''three''! :'''Kalgan''': ''[laughs evilly]'' :'''Servo [as Ryder]''': Hit the siren! ''[hums ''Entrance of the Gladiators'']'' : . . . :'''Crow [as Kalgan]''': We need both horsepowers on this thing! : . . . :''[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The [[w:Sting|Sting]]-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]'' :'''Servo [as Devers]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da|De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...]] :''[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, wait, she's dead! :'''Servo''': Yeah, she's dead! :'''Mike''': She died! :''[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Capt. Devers''': Commander Jansen? :'''Crow [as Devers]''': I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. : . . . :''[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]'' :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. :'''Capt. Devers''': Helveca? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Oh, I love [[w:Helvetica|that font]]! : . . . :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret. :'''Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]''': Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. : . . . :''[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]'' :'''Mike [as Devers]''': 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]'' :'''Crow [as MacPhearson]''': [[w:Richard III (play)|A horse! My kingdom for a horse!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Devers''': ''[referring to another character]'' Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally. :'''Commander Jansen''': Alright. :'''Crow [as Jansen]''': Fetch me my warrior muumuu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commander Jansen''': Captain Devers and I have decided: David . . . :'''Crow''': You're fired. :. . . :''[Ryder shakes hands with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Mike''': We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally! :. . . :'''Mike''': Woooo! We got [[w:ISO 9000#Contents of ISO 9001|ISO 9001]] certified! :. . . :''[Ryder leaves to find Lea]'' :'''Servo''': He's gonna have ''so much sex'' with your daughter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan]'' :'''Mike''': There goes a big, brave brick of meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea can't bear to watch the events unfolding in the engine room]'' :'''Lea''': I'm leaving. :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': You wanna get me some coffee? :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea! :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Get me some coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Bullfight|Toro! Toro!]] These cars are made by [[w:Toro (company)|Toro!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur? :'''Servo''': Oh? :'''Mike''': Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]'' :'''Crow''': Here's some free advice for the mutineers: ''just stop and '''aim''', you idiots!'' :'''Servo''': Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, ''white'' thing? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]'' :'''Servo''': Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this '''''FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kalgan''': I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that. :'''Servo [as Kalgan]''': You're too stupid to know anything about dental history. :'''Lea''': You bastard! :'''Mike [as Lea]''': How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[MacPhearson lays in a drainage tunnel, into which flammable gas is pouring. Ryder shoots the gas, causing it to ignite and burn MacPhearson alive.]'' :'''Servo''': And our brave hero roasts the disabled man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]'' :'''Crow''': Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be ''the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]'' :'''Servo''': They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Throughout the film, Mike and the Bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]'' :'''Crow''': Slab Bulkhead! :'''Servo''': Fridge Largemeat! :'''Mike''': Punt Speedchunk! :'''Crow''': Butch Deadlift! :'''Crow''': Bold Bigflank! :'''Mike''': Splint Chesthair! :'''Mike''': Flint Ironstag! :'''Crow''': Bolt Vanderhuge! :'''Mike''': Thick McRunfast! :'''Mike''': Blast Hardcheese! :'''Crow''': Buff Drinklots! :'''Servo''': Trunk Slamchest! :'''Crow''': Fist Rockbone! :'''Mike''': Stump Beefknob! :'''Servo''': Smash Lampjaw! :'''Crow''': Punch Rockgroin! :'''Mike''': Buck Plankchest! :'''Crow''': Stump Chunkmen! :'''Servo''': Dirk Hardpec! :'''Mike''': Rip Steakface! :'''Crow''': Slate Slabrock! :'''Servo''': Crud Bonemeal! :'''Mike''': Brick HardMeat! :'''Crow''': Rip Slagcheek! :'''Servo''': Punch Sideiron! :'''Mike''': Gristle McThornbody! :'''Crow''': Slate Fistcrunch! :'''Mike''': Buff Hardback! :'''Servo''': Bob Johnson! Oh, wait... :'''Servo''': Blast Thickneck! :'''Crow''': Crunch Buttsteak! :'''Mike''': Slab Squatthrust! :'''Servo''': Lump Beefbroth! :'''Crow''': Touch Rustrod! :'''Mike''': Reef Blastbody! :'''Mike''': Big McLargeHuge! :'''Mike''': Smoke ManMuscle! :'''Servo''': Eat Punchbeef! :'''Mike''': Hack Blowfist! :'''Mike''': Roll Fizzlebeef! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going? :'''Crow''': Yeah Mike, this is your music done by ''your'' people, so I blame you for this entire movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike! :'''Mike''': Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for? :'''Crow''': Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it. :'''Mike''': Uhhh... :''[The music slows down to a power ballad style]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins. :'''Servo''': Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a ''second,'' but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted. :'''Servo''': And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but ''no,'' Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger! :'''Crow''': Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band! :'''Servo''': You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': You and your '80s! :'''Servo''': Your ''precious'' '80s! :'''Crow''': You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you! :'''Servo''': Yeah! :'''Mike''': All right, all right, that's it, that tears it! :''[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]'' :'''Crow''': You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man! :'''Servo''': Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't! :''[After a while Mike sits up]'' :'''Mike''': Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man. :''[Pause of a second]'' :'''Servo''': Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him! :'''Crow''': No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either! :'''Mike''': No no, actually they did end, Tom, there, there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over. :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Mike! :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' Sorry, Mike! :'''Mike''': It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too. === [[w:Time Chasers|Time Chasers]] === :''[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]'' :'''Servo [as dog]''': ''[talking like [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]]]'' Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm. :'''Crow''': He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn. :'''Mike''': ''[groaning]'' Oh, Crow. So early, too. :''[The logo fades out]'' :'''Servo''': ''[still talking like Scooby-Doo]'' Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents— :'''Mike''': Okay, stop. :'''Crow''': Cut it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]'' :'''Crow''': This is like NFL graphics here. :'''Mike''': ''[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]'' :'''Nick''': Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a ''genius''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': A crop-dusting ''genius''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]'' :'''Crow''': This... is not our star, is it? I will ''not'' accept this as our star, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': Come on down to parallel parking days. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]'' :'''Mike''': Come to Martin's. [[w:Martin_%28television%29|WHATUP?!?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick boots up his computer]'' :'''Servo [as the old AOL voice]''': You've got mail... pattern baldness!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the first scene in 2041]'' :'''Mike''': ''[derisively]'' The, uh, future. :''[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]'' :'''Crow''': So, in the future, kids become gay agents? :. . . :'''Servo''': So... 50 years from now will be ''3'' years from now... :. . . :''[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look—a lesbian... ''of the future!'' :''[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Food courts... ''of the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]'' :'''Mike [as Robertson]''': Hi, I'm Bob Evil! :'''Robertson''': Trust me. :'''Servo [as Robertson]''': Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]'' :'''Guard''': Come on, this way! ''[They run down the false route]'' :'''Mike [as Guard]''': Even though I see them running the other way! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]'' :'''Servo''': ''Two'' kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even ''I'' know that's a fashion no-no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as J.K.]''': I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles! :'''Crow [as Matt]''': I'm a team player! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]'' :'''Mike [as Gunman]''': Arrgh! [[w:Dead Man's Chest|Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]'' :'''Servo''': Great, now the garbage truck's backing up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]'' :'''Servo''': I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film. :'''Servo''': Yeah, I think—huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]'' :'''Servo''': They're running out of Alt! :''[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]'' :'''Eddie''': And their Miffnots ''[MPH KNOTS]'' are goin' down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lisa''': Nick! :'''Crow [as Lisa]''': I was shaving this morning and got a ''nick''! :''[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]'' :'''Eddie''': ''[irritated]'' Get up! You're all right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]'' :'''Crow''': 27 [[w:Keebler Company|Keebler]] elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree! :'''Mike''': E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition. :. . . :'''Mike''': Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh! :'''Crow''': Oh, he's like poo, all right. :. . . :''[as Nick climbs down the tree]'' :'''Crow''': He's climbing an [[w:Ent|Ent]]! :'''Servo''': ''[in a deep, Entish voice]'' Hoom hom, get off me, hm. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him.]'' :'''Crow''': He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying. :''[Then, a conveniently placed tree branch falls of the tree and flattens Robertson.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Satisfied]'' Oh. Well that's nice. Thank you, movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]'' :'''Servo''': Did the tree contribute money to the film? ''Why are they showing this?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]'' :'''Servo''': So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel. :'''Mike''': Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes. :''[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]'' :'''Mike''': Hey... even declared war on his surge protector... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]'' :'''Mike''': Who's playing the [[w:chamber pot|chamber pot]]?! :''[The writer credit appears]'' :'''Crow''': Written? This movie was written? I don't ''think'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]'' :'''Servo''': We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]'' :'''Servo''': Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie! :. . . :'''Mike''': All these people bear... ''some'' responsibility, you know. :''[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]'' :'''Servo''': Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of ''stupid'' Rutland, Vermont! ''This'' is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. ''Go to hell'', citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin! === [[w:Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]] === :'''Pearl''': And now, sit back and enjoy this special nine-part series, ''Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'', starring the late Raul Julia, a very wonderful actor. What was he doing in this piece of sh... surely, very quality, quality programming? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]'' :'''Servo''': Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote! :'''Mike''': Let go of it, man! :'''Servo''': Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your ''Webster''s, and your ''Facts of Life''ses, and your ''Who's The Boss''esesses! :''[Movie Sign goes off]'' :'''Mike''': We got movie sign! ''[Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia's]] head inside a golden electronic cube]'' :'''Mike''': This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network. :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rubik's Cube|Raulbik's Cube!]] :'''Servo''': Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was... :'''Mike''': Oh no, don't say it! :'''Servo''': ...Cube-an! :'''Mike''': Ahhh. :''[The cube begins to fade away]'' :'''Crow''': Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man! :'''Servo [as Raul Julia]''': But I'm signed to play [[w:Romero (film)|Archbishop Romero!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's theme plays]'' :'''Mike''': And now, the news. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York City PBS affiliate [[w:WNET|WNET]] is credited]'' :'''Servo''': That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Title card is shown]'' :'''Servo''': ''[with monotone sarcasm]'' Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow. TV's Frank! :'''Servo''': Wow. Frank's really come up in the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]'' :'''Crow''': SAT farms ''of the future''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]'' :'''Appalonia''': He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control. :''[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]'' :'''Mike''': And its effect on Bugs Bunny. :. . . :'''Servo''': Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie. :. . . :'''Appalonia''': And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it. :'''Mike [as Appalonia]''': Data entrying with no pants. :. . . :''[Fingal gets caught.]'' :'''Crow''': We now return to ''Billy Madison''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[on the therapist]'' It's Merv Griffin! :'''Computer''': Ask about his mother. :'''Servo [as Computer]''': Ask if she wears Army boots. :'''Servo''': So aging lesbian nuns run the future? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Apollonia''': But of course, almost everyone doppled voluntarily. Fingal was my first compulsory dopple. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]'' :'''Fingal''': I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys? :'''Shuttle Passenger''': An anteater... ''maybe.'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an overhead shot of the word "Nirvana" written on the ground at Nirvana Village.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Come_as_You_Are_(Nirvana_song)|Come... to my mall... to my atrium, yeah yeah!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look. Must be a [[w:Jack in the Box#E. coli outbreak|Jack-In-The-Box in the food court]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia informs Fingal of the brain augmentation required before doppling]'' :'''Fingal''': W-- Wait a minute, I changed my mind. Some other time... :'''Apollonia''': Sit down, Mr. Fingal. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': You need to tinkle, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Nothing to worry about. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': How 'bout some Pringles, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Trust me. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': Just gonna band-saw the top of your head off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]'' :'''Boy''': And blue, like this? :'''Teacher''': Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later. :'''Boy''': Is it ''sexy?'' :'''Teacher''': We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room. :''[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' The littlest sexual deviant. :. . . :''[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]'' :'''Servo''': There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. {{hnote|[In a later scene, we learn that blue tags are the symbol for a sex-change operation.]}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]'' :'''Servo''': Is it "[[w:Village of the Damned|Children of the Damned]] Day" at the brain institute here? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[Doctor Who]]''... the hell cares! :'''Mike''': You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]'' :'''Fingal''': At least I'm not an anteater. :'''Mike''': This movie just hates ''anteaters''! :. . . :'''Fingal''': This cost me every credit I have? :'''Mike''': He's gonna start flinging it any minute now! :. . . :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]'' :'''Fingal''': What happened to him? He looks drunk to me! :'''Crow [as giraffe]''': I'm on medication, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]'' :'''Servo [as Worker]''': Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]'' :'''Crow''': Must be Christmas on the Borg ship. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' See you on the dark side of Raul... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up ''this'' cinema. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]'' :'''Mike''': It's Asian Pee-Wee. :. . . :'''Crow''': Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, [[w:Ram_Dass|Ram Dass]]. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pierre''': Everybody goes to The Place. :'''Servo [as Co-worker]''': You know, when they have to ''go''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name of "The Place"]'' :'''Mike''': Formerly "That Other Place". :'''Servo''': Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and ''this'' was the name they thought up. :. . . :'''Servo''': Formerly "The Locale". :. . . :'''Mike''': Formerly "The Site". :. . . :'''Crow''': It's changed ownership. Now it's a ''gentleman's'' club. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]'' :'''Professor Bobo''': Hey, I can sing, too! ''[singing off-key]'' [[w:Heat_of_the_Moment_(Asia_song)|And now you find yourself in '82—]] ''[Pearl kicks him in the groin.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]'' :'''Mike [as the Fat Man]''': All I can eat? The joke's on them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]'' :'''Fingal''': I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored! :''[Mike and the Bots all look around]'' :'''Servo''': OK, which one of us said that? :'''Crow''': I felt it, I don't... :. . . :'''Fingal''': Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer! :'''Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]''': ''[dully]'' I'm okay with that. :. . . :''[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': My coffee coupon! :... :'''Fingal''': If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work. :'''Crow''': I'll be a better zombie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a rather adult scene]'' :'''Mike''': Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Fingal attempts to court a simulated version of Felicia]'' :'''Felicia''': I am working, Mr. Fingal. :'''Fingal''': Listen, Felicia, why don't we just walk out of here, go back to my place, and make love? :'''Servo''': Whoa! I wanna work in data entry! :'''Felicia''': Is that your idea of a joke?! Do you wanna get us fired?! :'''Fingal''': Not a satisfactory reply, Felicia. ''[rapidly waves his hands, causing the simulation to rewind]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, there's a fly in here. :'''Crow''': ''[as the simulation rewinds]'' [[w:Backmasking|What's that? Kill myself?]] Okay, not a problem. ''[begins to walk away]'' :'''Mike''': No no, stay. :'''Fingal''': Now then, shall we go back to my place and make love? :'''Mike [as Felicia]''': This is sexual harassment, and ''I'm gonna take it!'' :''[Felicia smiles warmly and lets her hair down]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, look familiar, Mike? Well, probably not. :'''Mike''': Hey... :''[Felicia throws her arms around Fingal]'' :'''Felicia''': Oh, I thought you'd never ask, ''big boy''. :'''Servo [as Fingal]''': Well, I'm actually "size doesn't matter boy." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]'' :'''Apollonia''': You're too much, Fingal, you know that? :'''Fingal''': Wait a minute, ''you're'' the one who told me to change things if I didn't like them. :'''Apollonia''': And this is what you mean by changing things?! :'''Fingal''': Why not? I'm entitled to a little bit of happiness, aren't I? :'''Apollonia''': ''Happiness?!'' :'''Crow [as Apollonia]''': You were raised Catholic! :... :'''Apollonia''': If this [[w:masturbation|one-handed exercise]] is all you can think of to do with your life... :'''Crow''': Whoa! :'''Apollonia''': ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! :'''Servo''': Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part? :. . . :'''Fingal''': It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! :''[Apollonia slaps him.]'' :'''Crow [as Fingal]''': Well, now you are, actually. :. . . :'''Apollonia''': Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is... :'''Servo''': Well, slapping him seemed like a good start! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]'' :'''Rick''': What're you gonna do? :'''Fingal''': I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. :'''Mike''': Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]'' :'''Computer''': What is your access code? :'''Crow''': [[w:Microsoft|Where do you want to go today?]] All over this movie, that's where I want to go. :'''Computer''': Invalid access. Quit or retry? :'''Servo''': I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]'' :'''Crow''': The chairman's got really bad dandruff. :'''Mike''': This is how much ''pure'' cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie. :. . . :'''Fingal''': I'm not making ''this'' up! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm not cleaning it up either! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the ''crap'' out of [[w:Fred Rogers|Fred Rogers]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]'' :'''Apollonia''': Dopples don't dance, they don't make love... :'''Crow''': They're ''Lutherans''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing to the background music]'' [[w:Rolling Stones|You can't always get what you want...]] :. . . :''[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]'' :'''Servo [as God]''': Here's some more commandments I forgot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two sailors enter the club.] :'''Servo [as Maître D']''': Ah yes, Mr. Geffen is expecting you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fingal''': Shut up, Fat Man! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': You... you anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Fat Man leaves]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': To Wendy's! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]'' :'''Fingal''': Genius. Pure Genius. :'''Crow''': ...couldn't save this film. :. . . :''[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]'' :'''Servo [as Fat Man]''': I'm farting Monopoly cards! :'''Mike''': Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': Draw... me some butter! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]'' :'''Mike''': Vertigo to hell. :. . . :'''Servo''': You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now! :. . . :''[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]'' :'''Mike''': I love you this much! :''[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't care for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (played by [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia]]) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Eating Raoul|Eating Raul]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]'' :'''Rick''': Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater! :'''Servo''': Lay off the anteaters! Come on! :'''Crow''': Man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this [[w:Public Broadcasting Service|PBS]] TV movie.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public ''Boinking'' System", huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "[[Casablanca]]".]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The theme plays at the end.]'' :'''Mike''': And now the news. '' :''[Theme plays again.]'' :'''Mike''': That was the news. == Season 9 == === [[w:The Projected Man|The Projected Man]] === <div id="nepenthe"> :''[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]'' :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… ''[increasingly melodramatically]'' wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. [[w:Nepenthe|Nepenthe]]! ''Nepenthe!'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]]''': You are so gay. :'''Observer''': I could be wrong. </div> <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]'' :'''Man''': What's he doing? :'''Crow''': Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]'' :'''Dr. Hill''': You better watch where you're going! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Pretty you may be! :''[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]'' :'''Crow [as Guard]''': Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant! :. . . :''[Dr. Hill drives away]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... driving she may be! :''[Dr. Hill is parking her car]'' :'''Crow''': Ah ''parking''! What a great way to establish character and create tension! :''[The car's engine makes odd noises]'' :'''Mike''': An exhaust system she may need! <hr width="50%"/> :''[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]'' :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Preheat! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Pre-Heat… in! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Grease and flour cake pans! :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Emission Relay. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Emission Relay… on! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Are We Not Men We Are Devo!|Are we not blokes?]] :'''Prof. Steiner''': Relay One. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Relay One… in! :'''Servo [as Prof. Steiner]''': Really dumb scene… end! :''[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]'' :'''Thief''': Gloria? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Thief]''': G-L-O-R-I-A? :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Thief]''': In excelsis Deo! :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Thief]''': I hear they got your number. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]'' :'''Inspector Davis''': Can I get on? :'''Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel]''' Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat? :'''Crow''': Do I want the director just killed or should he be ''tortured first''? :'''Mike''': Crow! :. . . :''[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!! :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]'' === [[w:The Phantom Planet|The Phantom Planet]] === :''[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Grandpa tried to use the microwave again. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Pat Buchanan's first day as President. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Makonnen''': You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Don't hit him... :'''Makonnen''': ...if you just take the time to look at it. :'''Chapman''': You're some guy, Makonnen. : . . . :'''Mike [as Makonnen]''': You know, Captain... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Shut ''up'', Ray. : . . . :''[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]'' :'''Mike [as Chapman]''' Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]'' :'''Servo [as Chapman, sickly]''': Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the Bots join the fun]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your [[w:credit rating|credit rating]]?...rating...rating... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I'm afraid you're not [[w:7-Eleven|7-Eleven]] timber, Frank...Frank...Frank... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. :'''Chapman''': I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Chapman]''': …with courage and nudeness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]'' :'''Chapman''': I don't understand. :'''Sessom''': There are many things you will not understand here… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sessom]''': …being an obvious doorknob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! [[w:Maxwell's Silver Hammer|Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jury]''': ''[cheering]'' ::We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Guilty! Guilty! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Whoo! Yaaaay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]'' :'''Liara''': You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': So people are just balloons? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this is almost as good as [[w:2001:_A_Space_Odyssey_%28film%29|2001]]... nails driven into your eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another flashback sequence...] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We didn't like these scenes the ''first'' time! :. . . :''[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ''ten seconds ago!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]'' :'''White''': Chapman! Chapman! :'''Servo [as White]''': You got any gum? :'''White''': Where's Makonnen? :'''Chapman''': He's dead. Gone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Chapman]''': He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]'' :'''Chapman''': Now they'll never believe me... :'''Mike [as Chapman]''': ''[Unemotionally]'' I'll have to kill them all. ===[[w:The Pumaman|The Pumaman]]=== :'''Kobras''': Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kobras]''': And there's more salt in ham than in turkey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': You can't hide this! :'''Kobras''': Who is to prevent me? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is hurled out an office building window.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': We're downsizing, Steve! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]'' :'''Crow''': Call our 900 number and vote. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right? :'''Servo''': In a wrong kind of way, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vadinho''': My name is Vadinho. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': I'm an [[w:Vidalia onion|onion]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]'' :'''Mike''': Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle. :'''Crow''': So, basically, a mild rain could take out that roof. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, now Puma Man, flies through London for the first time as Vadinho watches.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, first thing he does is poop on ''my car''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': Look out for the-- oh, boy, right into the propellers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': They gave him the Captain Dork costume by mistake. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[Singing to the Puma Man theme music]'' Pu-ma Man, he flies like a moron! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]:''' He has the project to rear project major cities. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A bird gets sucked into his engine and he goes down immediately. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, they'll find his black box and hear "DAH! WHOA HO!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You do not fly, but your mind does. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tony]''': Yeah, thanks, [[w:Carlos Castaneda|Castaneda]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Are criminals genetically drawn to construction sites? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him. :'''Crow''': Donald's only use for the word "comb". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots.]'' :'''Mike [as the henchman]''': Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics! :... :''[The henchman gets dropped again.]'' :'''Servo [as the henchman]''': My mustache makes me fall sideways! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As he prepares to use his teleportation power, Tony tosses his cloak back in a rather flamboyant gesture.]'' :'''Servo''': Prepare the Effeminate Mobile! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Puma Man theme plays, Tony prepares to teleport to his friend Matthew while he's driving a fire truck.]'' :'''Mike [as Gilbert Gottfried]''': I'm in the fire truck for ''USA Up All Night''. :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio. :'''Servo [as Tony]''': I keep dreaming of a little man in a tiny car. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony teleports into his girlfriend Jane's car, seeking information. Jane is wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, he gets drunk and pops into old girlfriends' cars. :'''Jane''': Tony! How'd you get here? :'''Tony''': Never mind. Drive. :'''Servo''': ...he said. :'''Jane''': But they'll kill you if they find you. Kobras wants to kill you and they're following me, they're right behind me. :'''Tony''': Never mind. Tell me where the mask is. :'''Crow''': Get your copy at Blockbuster. :'''Jane''': Don't ask me that, I can't. I swear I'd like to, but I can't. I'm conditioned to keep the secret just like everyone. I can't do it. :'''Tony''': Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jane]''': But my will ''won't''! :'''Jane''': I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Airhead]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his [[world domination]] plans.]'' :'''Kobras''': When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Kobras]''': Stuffing or potatoes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.]'' :'''Kobras''': You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man! :'''Crow''': PU-ma Man! :'''Mike''': Oh, is that right? Dee-onald? :'''Kobras''': You're just a small... insignificant... human being! :'''Servo''': No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Because you come from Earth... :'''Servo [as Kobras]''': Corn grows in you. :'''Kobras''': And to Earth you shall return! :'''Mike''': Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Everyone sings along with the Puma Man theme while Vadinho and Puma Man fight Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Dick's Red Owl, selection and service...'' :'''Servo''': ''Snyder Drug, we're busting up prices...'' :'''Crow''': ''When you want the flavor of bacon in a dip...'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[singing to the theme from ''The Greatest American Hero'']'' ''Believe it or not, this movie's still on, it should have ended two hours ago...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': To be left alone— the goal of every great hero! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Crow''': So, basically, the hero is ''this guy''. I think it's time we all face that fact. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe. === [[w:Werewolf (1996 film)|Werewolf]] === :''[Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast]'' :'''Mike''': I am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts... :'''Pearl''': ''[Looking at the back of her cereal box]'' Brain Guy. :'''Observer''': Yeah. ''[Summons a cannon which points at Mike]'' :'''Mike''': Ahh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again? :'''Pearl''': ''[Still reading the back of her cereal box]'' "Werewolf". :'''Mike''': "Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you? :'''Observer''': ''[Still reading the back of his cereal box]'' No. :'''Mike''': Didn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... ''[Hastily climbs back up the ladder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know, you had him last! ''[laughs]'' :'''Crow''': You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike! :'''Servo''': Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? ''[laughs]'' :''[Mike enters.] :'''Mike''': Hey, guys. :'''Servo''': ''[screams]'' YAH! :'''Crow''': Mike, the title came up and it said ''Werewolf'', and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke... :'''Mike''': ''[chuckles]'' Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that! :'''Servo''': Thank you! :'''Crow''': ''[backpedaling]'' Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it. :''[Mike finishes chuckling]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs, defeated]'' Good one, Servo. :'''Servo''': ''[gloating]'' Well, thank you! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]'' :'''Billy''': Hey, I got something here! :'''Crow''': It's [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]'' :'''Crow''': Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists! :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a production of ''[[w:Road House|Road House]]'' in the Park. :. . . :'''Mike''': And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Noel''': At the risk of sounding nuts... :'''Crow [as Noel]''': I've replaced my toes with grapes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the moon]'' :'''Servo [as moon]''': Oh, I ate too much - I am a ''full'' moon! :'''Mike''': I am gonna hit you so hard... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, wait! It's a gorilla! :''[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ...With a dog mask on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]'' :'''Servo''': I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]'' :'''Noel''': Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you? :'''Crow [as Noel]''': You are married to ''me!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]'' :'''Paul''': I'm actually working on something now. :'''Natalie''': Really? What's the subject matter? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Paul]''': You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all! :'''Mike''': Heh, good one! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]'' :'''Natalie''': What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Noel]''': ''[in Grandma voice]'' You can't handle the truth, deary! :'''Noel''': In due time, you'll know everything. :'''Natalie''': Well, maybe then it's too late! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]'' :'''Crow''': Chubby Ramone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]'' :'''Crow:''' It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore. :'''Mike:''' ''[holding a rag to his head]'' Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches! :'''Crow:''' Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- ''[notices Mike's new features]'' hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man! :'''Mike:''' Really? :'''Crow:''' Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god! :''[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]'' :'''Mike:''' Wha- what?! :'''Servo:''' Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head! :'''Mike:''' ''[Mike does so]'' So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. ''[voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow]'' Hey! Wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence. :'''Servo:''' Blech! Don't say essence! :'''Mike:''' Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm... :'''Crow:''' ''[choruses with Mike]'' Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said! :'''Servo:''' Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW! :'''Crow:''' Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel? :'''Mike:''' Well I feel thin... :'''Crow:''' Uh-huh. :'''Mike:''' ...I have an intense love for bacon... :'''Crow:''' Oh yeah! :'''Mike:''' ...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet. :'''Crow:''' Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great! :'''Mike:''' Man, I love us! :'''Crow:''' Yeah, me too! :'''Servo:''' ''[disgusted]'' If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! ''[leaves]'' :'''Mike:''' Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect? :'''Crow:''' Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so... :'''Mike:''' Okay, good. :'''Crow:''' You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC- :'''Mike:''' Already have! :'''Crow:''' Great! ''[Commercial sign starts]'' Oop. ''[choruses with Mike]'' Well be right back! :'''Mike:''' Haha! What else? :'''Crow:''' Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines. :'''Mike:''' Ooh, good point! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]'' :'''Natalie''': So it all comes to this? :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': The... thing that it comes to? :'''Natalie''': You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Yuri]''': Yes, we ''is''. :'''Natalie''': But over my dead''BOD''y. You hear me? I won't stand for it! :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': You is a jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]'' :'''Sam''': Werewolf? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': No, I'm a squirrel monkey; ''OF COURSE'' I'm a werewolf, you... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Natalie]''': Paul, you is a wahrwilf! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Pow Wow the Indian Boy|Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:We Will Rock You|We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Battle of Kookamonga|Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves|Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:The Lonely Goatherd|High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Here Comes Santa Claus|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Give It Away (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Brand New Key|I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey|Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Cat's in the Cradle|And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Easter Parade (song)|In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:One Night in Bangkok|One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!]] :'''Crow''': [[w:The Surrey with the Fringe on Top|Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:The Freshmen (song)|We were merely ''fresh''men!]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:Oh! Susanna|Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' === [[w:The Deadly Bees|The Deadly Bees]] === :''[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]'' :'''Crow''': They named ''every bee''? This is gonna take forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Slender British rock band [[w:The Birds (band)|The Birds]] (not the more famous [[w:The Byrds|Byrds]]) perform a song.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Eight Miles High|Eight… miles… ''wrong'']]! : . . . :'''Servo''': Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.] :'''Crow''': Hey, they're growing [[w:Bill the Cat|Bill the Cat]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub] :'''Hargrove''': Morning, David. :'''Hawkins''': Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you? :'''Hargrove''': Oh, the usual. :'''Servo''': 9 A.M., why so late? :'''Hargrove''': Make it a double, will you? :'''Crow''': Alright, ''now'' we're in England. :'''Mike''': [[w:Andy Capp|Andy Capp]]: The Movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]'' :'''Coroner''': Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death? :'''Hargrove''': The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees. :'''Coroner''': And her dog? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hargrove]''': Uh, the dog didn't sting her. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Sleigh Bells"]'' Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go… :''[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Spice Girls|Nondescript Spice]]. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[Robert Frost#Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (1923)|Whose woods these are?]] :'''Crow''': Oh, I ''think'' I know. :'''Mike''': Huh? :''[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' Killer cookie crumbs! :'''Crow [as Doris]''': Damn, it's that [[William Butler Yeats#bee-loud_glade|"bee-loud glade"]] that Yeats spoke of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]'' :'''Crow''': She still lip-syncs better than [[w:Jewel_(singer)|Jewel]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]'' :'''Mike [as Tess]''': Avenge me! Ruff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]'' :'''Mike [as Hargrove]''': If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The house was made of typing paper and oily rags. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]'' :'''Crow [confused]''': All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this? :'''Servo''': Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"? === [[w:The Space Children|The Space Children]] === ==== Century 21 Calling (short) ==== :''[In the opening credits, we see: '''Century 21 Calling'''.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh! They want their [[w:Century 21 Real Estate|little gold jacket]] back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind. :'''Mike''': Why do you lash out like that? :'''Crow''': I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]'' :'''Servo''': The only bathroom in the fair is up there. :'''Crow''': Well, I'm glad to know the future has '''CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]'' :'''Crow [as Girl]''': Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]'' :'''Mike''': Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled ''How Do Animals Learn?'']'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A lady at the ''How Do Animals Learn?'' exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]'' :'''Mike [as Lady]''': Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bell Woman''': ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest. :''[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]'' :'''Crow [as Boy]''': The Führer will like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A little girl phones her grandmother.]'' :'''Grandma''': Hello? :'''Little Girl''': Hello, Grandma? :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': Where's my money? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' Want someone else on the line? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Customer]''': No. :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, andante, maybe. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bell Woman]''': Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation. :''[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on ''you''?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a demonstration of the wonders of push-button telephones.]'' :'''Mike [as Bell Woman]''': And in the future there will ''still'' be a two dollar surcharge for using this service ''despite'' the technology having proliferated ''EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET!'' ==== The Space Children (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': Remind me to never be a child. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bud]''': ''[mesmerized]'' Yes — [[w:Soupy Sales#New Year's Day incident|I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by [[w:Russell Johnson|Russell Johnson]]), but is finally caught.]'' :'''Crow''': Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by [[w:Gilligan's Island#"And the rest"|"And The Rest"]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]'' :'''Anne Brewster''': How does it tell you, and why? :'''Bud''': I don't think you'd understand. :''[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Anne]''': Oh, I'll just go [[w:It's a Good Life (The Twilight Zone)|wish myself into the cornfield]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]'' :'''Dr. Wahrman''': And what does it look like? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brewster]''': Well, it's got a good personality… === [[w:Hobgoblins (film)|Hobgoblins]] === :'''Servo''': Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]'' :'''Mike''': What, has he got [[w:Pringles|Pringles]] in his shoes? :'''Servo''': Proof that janitors walk upright! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dennis opens the vault door.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Burgess Meredith|Burgess Meredith]] is inside [[w:Time Enough At Last|reading]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Member, FDI-''Murder''! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 ''die''! {{hnote|Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short! :'''Mike''': These are the beginning credits! :'''Servo''': Oh, well, then kill me, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]'' :'''Mike''': It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Take on Me|Take on me...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daphne''': ''[singing to "[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]"]'' Everybody have sex tonight! :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Everybody ''throw up'' tonight. :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ironically, no one in the band [[w:Wang Chung|Wang Chung]] had sex that night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried... :'''Servo''': Sentence fragments. Just phrases. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]'' :'''Crow''': So, does [[w:United Hardware|Hardware Hank]] have a major defense contract, or…? :. . . :''[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]'' :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's also a [[w:Black belt (martial arts)|black belt]] in [[w:Whac-A-Mole|Whac-A-Mole]]. :. . . :''[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by film''makers''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[singing along to generic '80s synth music]'' ::It's the '80s! ::Do a lot of [[w:cocaine|coke]] and vote for [[Ronald Reagan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Hobgoblins form up together]'' :'''Servo''': Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]'' :'''Servo''': Ugh! They made love in their [[w:Chevy Van (song)|Chevy van]] and that is ''not'' alright with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]'' :'''Crow''': So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]'' :'''Crow''': That is not a woman! That's [[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]! : . . . :''[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]'' :'''Servo''': The car will do anything to get out of this movie! :''[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.] :'''Crow''': In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were ''not'' in the car at the time of the crash! :''[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]'' :'''Mike [as Kevin]''': Look at that guy wave the [[w:Color gel|gel]] in front of the light! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great! You just shot down [[w:Air Force One|Air Force One]], you dope! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]'' :'''Servo''': The [[w:Tommy Bartlett|king of the Wisconsin Dells]] finally gets a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': This sure is a bad movie, won't you? :'''Servo Cutout''': It sure is, you know! :'''Crow Cutout''': Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins." :'''Mike Cutout''': Are you kidding me? :'''Servo Cutout''': Then let's go! :'''All [singing]''': Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo! : . . . :'''Mike Cutout''': Watch out, here comes one now! :'''Crow Cutout''': Look out, you little doodad! :'''Servo Cutout''': Something's sure going to happen! :''[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... ''[Speech fades out.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': Did I ever tell you what I did during the war? :'''Kevin''': No, what? :'''Crow [as McCreedy]''': Shot off my toe and got out! === [[w:The Touch of Satan|The Touch of Satan]] === :''[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]'' :'''Farmer''': Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mercy? :'''Farmer''': ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mercy]''': Yeah, ''milk'' me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:American Gothic|American Gothic]] people take revenge. : . . . :''[Fade to table of people laughing]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story]'' And then he ''died''! :''[all laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Grandma [[w:Cosmo Kramer|Kramer]]! :'''Mike''': A [[w:kabuki|kabuki]] actor's been hit! : . . . :'''Luther''': What happened? What have you done? :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]'' :'''Attendant''': That'll be six dollars, even. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. : . . . :'''Attendant''': See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them ''fromokaidal'' maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. : . . . :'''Jody''': Yeah, well, nobody needs a ''fromokaidal'' maniac hanging around. :''[Jody drives off.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Attendant]''': Is that right? I should check my ''dictionotomy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Trees (Rush song)|But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[stern]'' Mike, stop it '''''now'''''. :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jody''': This your pond? :''[Lengthy pause]'' :'''Crow [as Jody]''': You can take your time, it's a tough question. :'''Melissa''': It belongs to my father. :'''Jody''': Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond? :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': As long as you don't hit his favorite frog. :''[''Another'' pause] :'''Melissa''': I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car? :'''Jody''': Yeah. :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': Mind if I skip rocks across it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]'' :'''Melissa''': This is where the fish lives. :''[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]'' :'''Jody''': Why did you run? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Melissa]''': 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. :'''Melissa''': I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. :''[A pause.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jody]''': You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? :''[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jody]''': This is where my ''tongue'' lives. <hr width=50%"/> :''[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]'' :'''Mike [as [[w: Barney Fife|Barney Fife]]]''': I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]'' :'''Crow''': She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mike [as townsfolk]''': Oh, and "go [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]" too, but mostly burn the witch. :. . . :''[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible ([[w:Book of Job|Job]]) to his family.]'' :'''Strickland''': "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..." :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Strickland]''': ...said Madeleine. :'''Strickland''': "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Strickland]''': Tsch. Bunch of crap. :'''Strickland''': "A dreadful sound is in his ears." :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Strickland]''': It's [[w:Paula Cole|Paula Cole]], I think. :'''Strickland''': "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." :''[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]'' :'''Strickland''': What is it, child? :'''Young Lucinda''': I thought I heard something. :'''Strickland''': Pay attention to the word of God. :'''Servo [as Strickland]''': For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. :'''Strickland''': "Yea..." :'''Crow [as Strickland]''': "...team!" :'''Strickland''': "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..." :'''Mike [as Strickland]''': "...by ten-thirty…" :'''Strickland''': "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine." :'''Servo [as Daughter]''': Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! :. . . :''[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mrs. Strickland''': What is it, David? :'''Crow''': It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf? :'''Young Melissa''': Papa, what is it? :'''Crow''': ''[irritated]'' People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at ''all''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing along]'' "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened! === [[w:Gorgo (film)|Gorgo]] === :''[The film starts with a message about the filming locations of London and Dublin.]'' :'''Mike''': "London, England"... Yeah, which was paid for by exorbitant taxes on Rod Stewart and Pete Townshend. :'''Servo''': ''(after the message fades)'' Wait, I just got three words into it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:Al Gore|Vice President]]'s unimaginative campaign slogan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]'' :'''Mike''': And...? :''[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, they're fine! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[singing to "[[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]]"]'' ::They got into port and everyone was okay. ::They went out for lunch and felt better... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]'' :'''Sam''': Looks like they're pretty hard hit. :'''Mike''': Poor dopes, they [[w:Brigadoon|appear every hundred years]] and get hit by a huge storm. <hr width="50%"> : '''Joe''': Well, what do you know? : '''Mike, Crow, Servo''': [[w:Whad'Ya Know?|Not much. You?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]'' :'''McCartin''': After you load with water… you leave. Tonight! :'''Joe''': The sooner, the better! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe/Cheerleader]''': The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sam/Cheerleader]''': Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]'' :'''Mike''': Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by [[w:Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]] or infested by leprechauns they've got ''this'' guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Gorgo]''': McRoar! O'Growl! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.]'' :'''Crow [as sailor]''': Am in Ireland, send real food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Put a guard on that thing, 24/7. And give him a rifle. :'''Tom''': Don’t give the monster a rifle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]'' :'''Crow''': I didn't know elephants exploded on impact! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe [[w:Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]] flies in and kicks his ass? :'''Mike''': ''That'' I'd pay to see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I wish they'd get back to Dorkin. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more. :'''Servo''': Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage? :'''Crow''': Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work! :'''Crow''': ''[lewdly]'' Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh. :'''Mike''': That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I— :''[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what I mean. Stop it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]'' :'''Servo''': Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]'' :'''Sean''': She's going back now—back to the sea. :'''Servo [as Sean]''': ...With the blood of many on her scales. === [[w:The Final Sacrifice|The Final Sacrifice]] === :'''Crow''': If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]'' :'''Mike''': I understand everything up to the word "A". :'''Crow''': He comes from a long line of great anuses. :. . . :'''Crow''': That's an [[w:anagram|anagram]] for "direct to video!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Bharbara Egan.]'' :'''Crow''': That's an illegal use of a silent consonant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it. :'''Servo''': Already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]'' :'''Servo''': Seven years after the ''credits''? :'''Mike''': ''[confused]'' I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as figure]''': Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate. :. . . :'''Mike''': Heh... you know, people are just ''dying'' to&mdash; :'''Servo''': ''[sharply]'' '''''No.''''' :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. :. . . :''[Troy visits his father's grave.]'' :'''Troy''': ''[voiceover]'' Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Troy's Father]''': I ''died''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy enters his attic.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays. :. . . :''[Troy opens a trunk.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters. :'''Servo''': Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here. :. . . :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk. :''[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon. :''[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Larry Czonka|Larry Czonka]]! :''[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]'' :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich. :'''Crow [as Troy]''': I've got to find the warranty on this sweater. :''[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "[[w:Lost Lemon Mine|LEMON MINE]]".]'' :'''Mike''': No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]'' :'''Servo''': It's ''open!'' :. . . :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Can I interest you in a replacement door? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]'' :'''Mike''': Canadian villain Garth Vader. {{hnote|Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]'' :'''Mike [as Cultist]''': Damn you, Pee-Wee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zap Rowsdower''': What's your name, laddie? :'''Troy''': Troy MacGregor. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater! :''[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]'' :'''Mike''': Rowsdowermobile, ''away''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troy''': Will you help me find what's behind the map? :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': Oh, I don't go map-findin'-behindin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]'' :'''Zap Rowsdower''': Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with? :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': They're from [[w:Saskatchewan|Saskatchewan]]! :'''Troy''': No. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': It's a cult. :'''Servo [as Rowsdower]''': They worship [[w:Blue Oyster Cult|blue oysters]]. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': They want to rule the world. :'''Troy''': How do you know? :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I've been around, kid. :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': And I've been a square kid. :'''Servo''': D'oh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': They used to rule this land. :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[imitating the engine]'' Rowsdower-er-er-er-er... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': Go to hell! :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Or at least [[w:Edmonton|Edmonton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]'' :'''Troy''': '''FOOD!''' :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Yeah, no beer, though. :'''Pipper''': Hey! Who goes there?! :'''Servo [as Troy]''': More '''FOOD!''' :'''Pipper''': What the hell you doin' here?! :'''Crow [as Troy]''': We were eating your '''FOOD!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]'' :'''Pipper''': McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son? :'''Troy''': Yeah! Did you know him? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Pipper]''': Know him? He was delicious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, how'd he get his pants clean? :'''Servo''': Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:We Will Rock You|You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...]] :'''Crow and Servo''': We will, we will ROWSDOWER! :'''Crow''': SING IT! :''[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]'' :'''Crow''': We will, we... ''[normally]'' Oh, guess that's over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy is tied up and Rowsder gives him a knife to cut the rope]'' :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I dropped it. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Which is the sharp side? :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Um, I cut both my wrists. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Uh, I somehow swallowed the knife. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]'' :'''Servo [as Satoris]''': You shot me in the butt! What the ''hell?!'' You shot me ''IN THE BUTT!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]'' :'''Servo''': Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world! :'''Crow''': He comes to save the day in a broken truck. :'''Mike''': With a stinky denim jacket on his back. :'''Crow''': He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked! :'''Mike''': But at least we didn't have to see him play ''[falters]'' h-hackey sack.... :'''Servo''': ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': Sorry, I panicked. === [[w:Monster Shark|Devil Fish]] === :''[The film's title is shown.]'' :'''Servo:''' The story of [[w:Aleister Crowley|Aleister]] [[w:Crappie|Crappie]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]'' :'''Peter''': Janet! Janet! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Peter]''': Oh, sorry, I forgot. [[Janet Jackson#nasty-names|I'm nasty, Miss Jackson]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]'' :'''Dr. Davis''': Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor. :'''Dr. West''': In his hands. :'''Dr. Davis''': Exactly. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Davis]''': Yeah, thanks for helping me out there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]'' :'''Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]''': Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade! :'''Servo''': I bet they hired every nature-hating ''psycho'' in Dade County. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': See the Human Lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number one. Report in. :'''Squad Member''': Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet. :'''Crow [as Squad Member]''': [[w:You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet|B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet]], over. : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Servo [as dead squad member]''': We done been et, over! : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Crow''': Oh, they'll be [[wikt:number two|number two]] soon enough. : . . . :''[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Devil Fish]''': ''[singing to Neil Young's "[[w:Southern Man|Southern Man]]"]'' Southern man, gonna eat your head! : . . . :''[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this should take care of ''every living '''thing''''' in the Everglades. : . . . :''[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Sheriff]''': Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms! :'''Crow''': Does the Coast Guard have a ''lot'' of use for flamethrowers? : . . . :''[Close up of burning water.]'' :'''Mike''': Eww, someone threw a match on the [[w:Cuyahoga River|Cuyahoga River]]. === [[w:The Screaming Skull|The Screaming Skull]] === ==== [[w:Gumby|Robot Rumpus]] (A Gumby Adventure) (short) ==== :'''Crow [as Gumby]''': One of my classmates died in the kiln today, ''mother''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumba''': Such clever boys certainly deserve some crackers with their milk! :'''Tom Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, don't! That's [[w:Wallace and Gromit|Wallace and Gromit]]'s yard! :''[Another robot chops down a tree.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! That's old-growth clay! :. . . :''[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Habitat for Humanity|Habitat ''Against'' Humanity]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]'' :'''Crow [as Weatherman]''': It's a fair to partly-cottony day… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumby's Mother''': Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk! :'''Servo''': ''Crackers?'' Wow! Maybe they can have ''white rice'' later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]'' :'''Crow [as mobster]''': [[Goodfellas|Gotta move this body back upstate.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|Liquid metal!]] :''[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumby]:''' Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo leaps into a trench in order to deactivate one of the robots.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, bad move! Robots do ''not'' fight clean! :''[A moment later, Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Thank goodness for the internal genitalia! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]'' :'''Crow [as Gumby's Mother]''': That squares my breasts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Son, I'm gunna need a can of [[w:Play-Doh|Play-Doh]] to replace my butt. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]'' :'''Servo''': Aah! They hung his head! Oh… :'''Crow''': Now I'm ready for years of powerful [[w:Alfred Adler|Adlerian]] therapy, Mike. :'''Servo''': They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than ''[[Se7en]]''! :'''Mike''': Hey! His bump is on the other side! ==== The Screaming Skull (movie) ==== :'''Eric''': Jenni, this is Mickey. :'''Mike [as Eric]''': Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jenni''': How did Marian die? :'''Reverend Snow''': Didn't Eric tell you? :'''Crow [as Snow]''': He sat on her head. :'''Jenni''': I think the subject's rather painful to him. I'd like to make him talk about it... :'''Servo [as Snow]''': Let's just say she was riddled with bullets. :'''Jenni''': Would you mind telling me? I'd like to know. :'''Reverend Snow''': ... It was a rainy day... :'''Mike [as Snow]''': And he shot her. :'''Reverend Snow''': She and Mickey had been working up there in the greenhouse. She left him to go back to the house for a few minutes... :'''Crow [as Snow]''': Then a lion jumped out and shot her. At least, that's what Eric said. :'''Reverend Snow''': The way we pieced it together after the accident is that... :'''Servo [as Snow]''' She got shot. :'''Reverend Snow''': ...while she was coming down this path, apparently it began to rain very hard. :'''Servo [as Snow]''': Then she got dead. :'''Reverend Snow''': She must have run along here... we don't know of course what happened then... :'''Mike [as Snow]''': We should have called the police. :'''Reverend Snow''': Perhaps she slipped on a leaf. The base of her skull was smashed. :'''Crow [as Snow]''': Anyway, how are you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[Hamlet#Act V|Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Rev. Snow]''': Have you tried talking to ''your'' minister about this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]'' :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Don't you make that skull face at me, missy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[impatient]'' Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.]'' :'''Crow''': ''GET A BOX!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Kiri Te Kanawa|Kiri Te Kanawa]] is drunk again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, great! She's playing her [[w:Yoko Ono#Musical career|Yoko Ono]] albums. :'''Mike''': I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, ''semicolon'', Skull". <hr width="50%"/> :''[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]'' :'''Mike''': Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]'' :'''Crow''': Everyone knows it's [[w:Slinky|Slink-skull!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, this movie's kind of a combination of "[[w:The Tell-Tale Heart|The Tell-Tale Heart]]", ''[[w:Blithe Spirit|Blithe Spirit]]'', and...well, a piece of lint, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.] :'''Crow''': Settled in a divot. :''[The skull twitches.] :'''Servo''': Woof! === [[w:Quest of the Delta Knights|Quest of the Delta Knights]] === :'''Crow''': Well, better than "Quest of the [[w:Delta Burke|Delta Burke]]", I suppose <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] was in office. <hr width="50%"/> :''[David Warner appears.]'' :'''Crow [as David Warner]''': ''[apologetic]'' In it for the money, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]'' :'''Baydool''': ¿Como te llamas? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': Yeah, [[w:Taco Bell chihuahua|yo quiero Taco Bell]], whatever. : . . . :'''Baydool''': Comment vous-appelez vous? :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Je m'appelle… Bite Me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Tee]''': I'll see if [[w:Tom Bombadil|Bombadil]] has a place to crash. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master". :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Right, [[w:Masturbation|Mr. Bater]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]'' :'''Pearl''': Ew, wizard whiz! :'''Crow''': Drain the wizard! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': [[w:Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em|Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Slave]''': Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am? : . . . :'''Lord Vultare''': We've rounded up a number of suspects. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vultare]''': …[[w:The Usual Suspects|including Kevin Spacey]]. :'''Lord Vultare''': I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order. :'''Mannerjay''': What of the map? :'''Lord Vultare''': No word. It seems… :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Vultare]''': …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]'' :'''Baydool''': These will put anyone to sleep in no time. :'''Crow''': They're tiny [[w:James Michener|James Michener]] books! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.]'' :'''Tom''': The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]'' :'''Loony Henchman''': I'm com-iiiing! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Prince]''': Put a sock in it, [[w:Legolas|Legolas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': When in doubt, rest. :'''Crow''': You are full of crap beyond your years, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Tee [[w:Mr. T|pities the fool]] who gets in his way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Vultare]''': [[w:Engrish|Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation]]. == Season 10 == === [[w:Soultaker (film)|Soultaker]] === :''[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Soultaker/Cash]''': ''[singing to "[[w:I Walk the Line|I Walk the Line]]"]'' Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to [[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]].]'' :'''Servo''': I'm [[Ed Bradley]]... :'''Mike''': I'm [[w:Steve Kroft|Steve Kroft]]... :'''Crow''': I'm [[w:Lesley Stahl|Lesley Stahl]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card swoops into view.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': The [[w:Soul Train|SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's not Natalie, that's [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! :. . . :''[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': You're dead, [[w:Nancy Kerrigan|Nancy Kerrigan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[some jokes about Brad's car]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh, that car must reek of [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]! : . . . :'''Mike''': I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of [[w:Marlboro_%28cigarette%29|Marlboro Lights]] and [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]] out of the upholstery! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]'' :'''Natalie''': Karen! :'''Mike [as Karen]''': Sorry! [[w:Up Where We Belong|Love is lifting me up where I belong!]] :. . . :''[Natalie stomps in frustration.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': The lace on my skate broke! : . . . :''[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': [[w:Jeff Gillooly|Jeff Gillooly]] did it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by [[w:Joe Estevez|Joe Estevez]]) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.] :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]]. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.] :'''Mike [as tree]''': Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]'' :'''Mike''': She's survived by her Danskins. : . . . :''[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Natalie/Tonya]''': Whoa! [[w:Salchow jump|Triple salchow]] really takes it out of you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]'' :'''Tommy''': What do you want? :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Do you have a phone, so I can call [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin]] to take over my role? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]'' :'''The Soultaker''': ''[ominously]'' It's Closing Time! :'''Servo''': Does that mean that [[w:Closing Time (Semisonic song)|every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]'' :'''Tommy''': Thanks! :''[The woman laughs it off.]'' :'''Mike [as Woman]''': I just got assaulted, it's fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]'' :'''Natalie''': My mom! He's done something to my mom! :'''Zach''': No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. :'''Natalie''': What? :'''Mike [as Zach/Actor]''': Hey, look—you wrote this crap! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing in [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]]/[[w:talkbox|talkbox]] voice]'' I wanna thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]'' :'''Brad''': You still haven't figured it out, have you, man? :'''Crow''': We have! Can we go?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]'' :'''Crow [as Soultaker]''': Muhuhahahahaha! You're ''it!'' :'''Soultaker''': It's all over now. :'''Servo''': Oh, ho, I wish that were true! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Oh, Frank, I thought you were dead! :'''TV's Frank''': I ''am'' dead. ''[pause]'' I was in Second Banana Heaven for a while, but it is ''so political'' up there. Pat Buttram had it in for me right from the start. So, then I was an angel for a while, and then I got into big trouble for appearing to people as Della Reese. Scared the hell out of them. So, they transferred me to Soultaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''':I knew these two would get along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Maybe they have this wondrous, frilly wedding in the frou frou land of bunnies where magical fairies blow kisses to the stars, and the polka-dotted toadstools sing, 'Good Ship Lollipop,' to the tiny mice in their little feetie pajamas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to a scene with a smiley face balloon as main characters' souls are taken]'' :'''Crow''': Oh sure, just shove the irony down our throats! === [[w:Girl in Gold Boots|Girl in Gold Boots]] === :''[The movie opens with scantily clad go-go dancers performing.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I'm sorry, I'm projecting my dreams again. :. . . :'''Servo''': Shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie? :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a jerk and pony marathon. :. . . :'''Servo''': Mike, you're a human being. How come ''you'' don't have a body like that? :. . . :'''Crow''': The Kennedy Center tribute to Judy Carne. :. . . :'''Mike''': Ed Grimley choreographed this dance. :. . . :'''Servo''': Why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open for him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]'' :'''Crow''': What happens when you touch ''gold''? :'''Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]''': Everything I touch turns to flies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the diner showing the word "EAT"]'' :'''Servo''': They forgot the "ME". :'''Mike''': Ah, the nights we lingered over brandy at "Eat". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Buz]''': Wh... oh, a ''gun''. So ''that'' was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michelle's Father''': Don't get smart with me! :'''Michelle''': I'm ''not'' getting smart! :'''Mike [as Michelle]''': I ''can't''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]'' :'''Buz''': What's wrong? :'''Crow [as Michelle]''': I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!" <hr width="50%"/> :''' [voice over]''' there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out) :'''Crow''': You can say that ag- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': I'll have ten Hershey bars. :'''Crow''': ''Tin'' Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat. :'''Michelle''': That'll be one dollar. :'''Servo [as Critter]''': I've got a "Happenings" coupon! :'''Critter''': Can you cash a hundred? :'''Michelle''': I've never even seen one! :'''Critter''': Fifty? :''[Michelle shakes her head "no."]'' :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]'' :'''Servo [as Buz]''': I'm back! :... :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Anybody notice that I'm here now? :... :'''Crow [as Buz]''': C'mon, I just ''teleported'' here! It's impressive! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of [[w:Nepal|Nepalese]] money. :'''Crow''': From the land of Nipples! : . . . :''[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Your money's from [[w:Senegal|Senegal]]! : . . . :''[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]'' :'''Critter''': Yeah, I can come up with my own share. :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Ah, here's some [[w:Guatemalan quetzal|Guatemalan quetzal]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gas Station Attendant''': Will this be cash or charge? :'''Buz''': Cash. :''[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]'' :'''Crow''': On second thought, I'll just put it on my ''gun''! :'''Servo''': Heh, that guy's totally ''pistol''-whipped, man. : . . . :''[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh. :'''Servo [as Buz]''': Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She makes [[w:The Little Kicks|Elaine Benes]] look like a good dancer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[politely]'' Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"? :''[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]'' :'''Servo [as Man]:''' No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]'' :'''Harry''': I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. ''[Points to Buz.]'' :'''Mike''': Boy?! : . . . :'''Leo''': Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. ''[Pulls Buz aside.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties! : . . . :'''Crow [as Buz]''': Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime! : . . . :''[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]'' :'''Harry''': I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share. :''[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]'' :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor! : . . . :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people ''and'' I killed a guy! :'''Servo''': Well, what do you expect, he's ''only a child''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad. :'''Servo''': ''[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"]'' ''Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...'' : . . . :''[We see a billboard for ''Doctor Dolittle'' starring Rex Harrison.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Doctor Dolittle''? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy. : . . . :'''Servo''': I think someone slipped us their vacation videos. :'''Crow''': Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet. :'''Mike''': An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.! : . . . :'''Servo''': ''[singing along with the music]'' ''Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,'' :''The Zodiac killer's at large,'' :''Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,'' :''And Santa Claus is on his way!'' : . . . :''[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]'' :'''Crow''': Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, so he learns he ''enjoys'' violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta. : . . . :''[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass! :'''Mike''': So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form? : . . . :'''Servo''': She's dancing the specials at [[w:T.G.I. Friday's|T.G.I. Friday's]]. :'''Crow''': Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the [[w:Jack Daniel's|Jack Daniel's]] grill. : . . . :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're living a lie. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' You gotta come down. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You dance like a clown. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' By and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' I hope that you ''die''! === [[w:Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders]] === :'''Pearl [introducing the movie]''': I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called ''Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders'', and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]'' :'''[[w:Ernest Borgnine|Grandpa]]''': Uh-oh! :'''Crow [as Grandpa]''': We better eat all the ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the star]''': ''[straining]'' Twinkle! ''[grunts]'' That's all I got. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cooper''': ''[snidely]'' Allow me to introduce myself. :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': I'm Bob Jackass. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]'' :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]'' :'''Mike''': Clearly, Merlin has brought ''good'' into the world! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miffy]''': Meow, meow... [[w:Marathon Man|safe! Meow, meow... very safe!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]'' :'''Servo [as Madeline]''': Honey? You okay down there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Cooper]''': Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]'' :'''Merlin''': Don't I get a kiss? :'''Zurella''': You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go! :'''Mike''': So, she threatened him with sex? <hr width="50%"/> :''[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Why, here's something else Satan created: [[w:anime|Japanimation]]! :'''Servo''': It's the anime version of [[w:Peter_Rabbit|Peter Rabbit]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': ''[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey]'' Why do I have to deal with it alone? :'''Adrianne''': Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense! :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': Wake up! :'''Adrianne''': The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, ''literally''! :'''David''': Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits- :'''Adrianne''': ''[seemingly agitated]'' Get that toy out of your house! :'''Mike [as Adrianne]''': You idiot! :'''David''': I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do. :''[Adrianne gives David a medallion]'' :'''Crow [as Adrianne]''': You want some peanuts? :'''David''': What's that? :'''Adrianne''': It's called a bethogram. :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': I sense the demon's name is Beth. :'''David''': This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh? :'''Adrianne''': Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times. :'''David''': Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too? :'''Adrianne''': My God, David! :'''Mike [as Adrianne]''': You moron! :'''David''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come- :'''Adrianne''': I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own! :'''Crow [as Adrianne]''': Damn it! :'''Adrianne''': And remember David, ''NEVER'' let it know! :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]'' :'''David''': God help me! :'''Servo [as God]''': Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. ''[muttering]'' You're on your own. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Merlin]''': I'm going to hit the mystical can. : . . . :'''Crow [as Merlin]''': Remember to believe in magic... or I'll ''kill'' you. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]''': I did a good job painting this room <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the kid]''': No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please! :'''Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]''': Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]'' :'''Merlin''': Heed my words.... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...munch my shorts.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]'' :'''Cooper''': Do you know who ''I'' am? ''I'' am the supreme being! :'''Servo''': [[w:Eric Clapton|Clapton]]? :'''Cooper''': I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[laughs]'' Why? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]'' :'''Merlin''': Ohh, Mrs. Cooper... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...you fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] ''': Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Kid]''': ''[slowly]'' Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]'' :'''Cooper''': You really think you are Merlin, don't you? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Cooper]''': My cheek-lines disagree. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grandpa]''': I have another script called ''[[Chinatown (film)|Chinatown]]'', but I don't like it as much. === [[w:Future War|Future War]] === :''[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In association with Bob [[w:Tet Offensive|Tet Offensive]] Productions. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits identify actor [[w:Robert Z'Dar|Robert Z'Dar]].]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh z'no. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor [[w:Daniel Bernhardt|Daniel Bernhardt]]) creeps along a wall.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Jean Claude Van Damme|Jean Claude Van Damme]]! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn. :''[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Fred]''': Am I [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]? I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A midget [[w:Tyrannosaurus rex|Tyrannosaurus rex]] (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]'' :'''Crow:''' He's a Cute-a-saurus! :''[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]'' :'''Servo''': He's being attacked by a [[w:schnauzer|schnauzer]] in a dinosaur costume. :''[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[laughs]'' Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs? :''[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]'' :'''Servo''': Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas? : . . . :''[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]'' :'''Crow''': He's ''boxed'' in! :'''Mike''': Yeah, well, I'm card-''bored''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty :'''Servo''' ''[makes whistle sound]'' fifteen yards. <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]'' :'''Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]''': So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Hey, how did you know who I was? :'''Officer''': Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go. :'''Mike''': Fred Burrows? :'''Servo''': Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows. ... :''[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]'' :'''Crow [as the Runaway]''': Fred Burrows! Help me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]'' :'''Ann''': DRIIIIIVE! :'''Mike''': [[w:Surge (soft drink)|SUUUUURGE!]] :'''Ann''': ''DRIIIIIIIIVE!'' :'''Crow [as driver]''': Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go ''faster'', then you need to tell me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Introducing new, faster seconds! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]'' :'''Crow [as Ann]''': I'm ''fretting''. See, audience? I'm ''fretting''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf. :'''Mike''': Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]'' :'''Crow''': OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Huh??'' :'''Servo''': The movie that packs more "''Huh''s" per second! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Everything he wanted was everything I needed... :'''Crow [as Ann]''': So neither of us actually got anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain. === [[w:Zaat|Blood Waters of Dr. Z]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please enjoy a fish anus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the [[w:walking catfish|walking catfish]] moves.]'' :'''Narrator''': Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...like [[w:Courtney Love|Courtney Love]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]'' :'''Mike''': He's a [[wikt:cop a feel|Cop-a-feel]]-[[w:Coelacanth|acanth]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her [[w:jumpsuit|jumpsuit]].]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A-are you sure you're buying the right ''kind'' of jumpsuit? :'''Mike''': Hmmm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? ''[[Catfish Hunter]]'', that's who! Ha ha ha! :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name. :'''Crow''': Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work. :'''Servo''': ''[deflated]'' Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often. :'''Mike''': But it only works if you get the correct, current name. :'''Servo''': ''[disappointed]'' So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh... :. . . :'''Mike''': Tom, are... are you sulking? :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' No! :'''Mike''': Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke... :'''Crow''': No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick... :'''Mike''': Ssshh! He's suffered enough. === [[w:Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues|Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]'' :'''Mike''': A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a [[w:Green Bay Packers|cheese wedge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]'' :'''Servo''': And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying ''rat''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]'' :'''Doc''': Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student. :'''Servo [as Doc]''': Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Lockhart]''': We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]'' :'''Crow [as Lockhart]''': Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]'' :'''Servo''': Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the [[w:War of Northern Aggression|War against Northern Aggression]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim is walking around shirtless]'' :'''Crow''': Geez, kid, do a push-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]'' :'''Mike [as the Creature]''': Well, I'll be damned... farmers ''do'' exist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]'' :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Can I borrow a cup of shirt? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Lucy Lawless|Lucy Bra-less]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leslie''': ''[Over a walkie-talkie.]'' Tanya, do you read? :'''Mike [as Tanya]''': Third grade level! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]'' :'''Crow [as Doc]''': Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my [[w:gaydar|gaydar]]. :. . . :'''Doc''': ''[over CB]'' Tim? :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.]'' :'''Leslie''': ''[over the walkie-talkie]'' He's close to you! :'''Doc''': My left or my right? :'''Servo''': Well, which way are you ''facing'', idiot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]'' :'''Mike [as Doc]''': I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets. === [[w:Track of the Moon Beast|Track of the Moon Beast]] === :'''Pearl''': Brain-Dead, let's send these guys, Track of the Moon Beast. It stars nobody, and features nothing. I hope you gag on it. <hr width=50%/> :''[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]'' :'''Kathy''': Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"? :'''Paul''': Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Paul]''': Like [[w:Wahoo McDaniel|Wahoo McDaniel]]. :'''Paul''': It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy]''': Oh! Is he seeing anyone? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.]'' :'''Kathy''': Paul, are you alright? What happened? :'''Servo''': She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" ''a lot.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]'' :'''Paul''': I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place. :'''Servo''': Dozens! No, ''hundreds'' of antiseptics! :'''Kathy''': Your place? :'''Paul''': Yeah, my place. :'''Mike''': I call it "Antiseptic Manor." :'''Kathy''': Fine. Your place, then. :''[Thunder rumbles.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Not his place! Fornicators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Paul]''': Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul rises after fainting.]'' :'''Paul''': I guess I blacked out. :'''Mike''': Um, ''excuse'' me, you ''African-Americaned'' out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.'']'' :'''Mike''': He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom! :'''Crow''': Maybe he has a trampoline in there. : . . . :''[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]'' :'''Mike [as Lizard]''': Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]'' :'''Crow''': Tha— That's just a picture of the moon! :'''Servo''': Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Boy]''': Thanks for the stereotype music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]'' :'''Mike''': Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.{{hnote|''... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'' was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early, less-stable versions of Microsoft Windows.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for [[w:U.S. Route 66|U.S. Route 66]].]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Route 66 (song)|Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]'' :'''Kathy''': Johnny, you can't ''do'' this! Paul's your ''friend''! Paul— :'''Johnny''': ''PAUL'' IS NOT ''PAUL'' ANYMORE! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': HE'S ''[[w:Superman|SUPER PAUL]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': I see... [[w:Native American gambling enterprises|a huge casino]]! :'''Mike''': Oh, come on. === [[w:Final Justice (1985 film)|Final Justice]] === :'''Mike''': Aw, can't I have just ''one more'' justice? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]'' :'''Crow''': In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]'' :'''Palermo''': ''[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.]'' You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ...what? :'''Servo''': Huh. What do you think he's a son of? [[w:Son_of_a_Preacher_Man|Son of a preacher man]]? [[w:Son_of_a_Son_of_a_Sailor_(song)|Son of a son of a sailor]], maybe? : . . . :'''Palermo''': You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': Uh... something! : . . . :'''Geronimo''': Get off your knees, you son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': Same thing you said! : . . . :'''Palermo''': I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': I'll kill you, but I won't curse you! : . . . :''[Much, much later in the movie...]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': You've got the right to remain silent. :'''Mike''': Oh, he ''is'' a real cop! :'''Geronimo''': ''[Knocks the suspect out.]'' And all that other ****. :'''Mike''': ...oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]'' :'''Wilson''': Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government. :'''Mike [as Wilson]''': That's hard to do! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Guests of ''Final Justice'' fly TWA. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.] :'''Servo''': Ugh, he's sweating [[w:palm oil|palm kernel oil]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Announcer]''': Cars provided by [[w:Matchbox|Matchbox]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maltese taxi driver''': Do you know [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]? :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': [[w:John Wayne Gacy|Gacy]], yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts! : . . . :''[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]'' :'''Servo''': And God sends a door chassis from Heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Good, the Bad and the Ugly|The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': Carnival? Is it a big carnival? :'''Crow [as Geronimo]''': Can I get a balloon? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Guess he's a... [[w:Thelonious Monk|felonious monk]]! :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Palermo]''': I'm gonna [[w:95 Theses|nail some theses]] to his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]], Texas Ranger. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]'' :'''Servo''': Our hero: a big, stinky cheater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the end credits theme, "You Better Run" by Bill Scott]'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Servo''': ''Or he'll steal your lunch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better hi-i-ide'' :'''Crow''': ''...your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Mike''': ''Cause he's got the runs!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''Cause he won't stop till he gets his man'' :'''Crow''': ''Or your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah! :'''Servo''': Woo! :'''Crow''': Lay it! :. . . :'''Bill Scott''': ''They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger...'' :'''Crow''': ''Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''That may be true'' :'''Servo''': ''But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide!'' Woo! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Pass the gravy now! :'''Mike''': You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys. :'''Crow''': Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker. :'''Mike''': I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower – :'''Servo''': ''MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD!'' :'''Crow''': All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off. :'''Mike''': Oh, come on now. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE!'' :'''Mike''': Oh, now you guys prepared that. :'''Crow''': Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars!'' :'''Crow''': ''Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars!'' :'''Servo''': ''He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all!'' :'''Mike [leaves]''': Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes. :'''Crow''': Yeah! Give me seconds, baby! :'''Servo''': Hey, baby, you gonna finish that? :'''Crow''': Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will! :'''Servo''': Aw, somebody give me a napkin! === [[w:Hamlet (1961 film)|Hamlet]] === :''[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]'' :'''Mike''': San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The members of court are performing a dance.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hamlet]''': Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet. : . . . :''[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Hamlet]''': ''[in stoner voice]'' Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on [[w:Akvavit|aquavit]] — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Hamlet]''': Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Ghost]''': SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]'' :'''Ophelia''': My prince… :'''Servo [as Ophelia]''': … are back from [[w:Fotomat|Fotomat]]. : . . . :'''Hamlet''': I never gave you aught. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ophelia]''': Tscha! :'''Ophelia''': My honored prince… you know right well you did. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Right well did ''not''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Claudius''': I like him not... :'''Crow [as Claudius]''': I like him. NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': To be or not to be... :'''Mike''': The literary equivalent of "[[w:Beethoven's 5th Symphony|Da-da-da-dunnn!]]" :'''Hamlet''': That is the question. :'''Crow''': I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex. :'''Hamlet''': Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... :'''Servo''': Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler! :'''Hamlet''': Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? :'''Mike''': Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair. :'''Hamlet''': To die: to sleep. :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub. :'''Hamlet''': No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... :'''Mike''': Ok, we need a predicate, now. :'''Hamlet''':...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. :'''Crow''': Especially with Ophelia, man! ''[snickers]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, you... :'''Hamlet''': To die, to sleep. :'''Servo''': To SLEEP! :'''Mike''': Whoa, that's an old chesnut. :'''Hamlet''': To sleep... :'''Servo''': To ''SLEEEEEP'' :'''Hamlet''': Perchance to DREAM? :'''Servo''': The impossible DREAM? :'''Hamlet''': Aye, there's the rub. :'''Mike''': I knew I had some rub left... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? :'''Crow''': Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe. :'''Hamlet''': Who would fardels bear... :'''Mike'''': Ha, fardels... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others-- :'''Servo''': SUM UP! :'''Hamlet''': --that we know not of? : . . . :'''Mike''': So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.'']'' :'''Hamlet''': Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool! :'''Crow [as Polonius]''': Oh, right, it's ''my'' fault you killed me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Fifty thousand, maybe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]'' :'''Hamlet''': Give us the foils. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': We shall some potatoes bake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]'' :'''Claudius''': Here, to thy health. :'''Servo [as Claudius]''': ...coming to a sudden end. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]'' :'''Mike [as Claudius]''': Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]'' :'''Mike''': Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball". === [[w:The Bat People|It Lives by Night]] === :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, ''it'' shouldn't drink so much coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kipling]''': Posed like this in ''[[w:Playgirl|Playgirl]]'', only without my pants! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]'' :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': Um... do you have any drug allergies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]'' :'''Cathy''': Dr. Kipling? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cathy]''': [[w:Rikki-Tikki-Tavi|Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's]] waiting for you. : . . . :'''Dr. Kipling''': Mrs. Beck... :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': ...[[w:Loser (Beck song)|you're a loser, baby]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]'' :'''Crow''': Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]'' :'''Crow''': Now, wait a minute... how did ''she'' turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and... :''[Pause]'' :'''Crow''': ''[horrified]'' ...''Oh, my god.'' :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' GAH! :''[They rush out of the theater]'' :'''Crow''': OH MY GOD! I get the shower first! :'''Servo''': No, me first! :'''Mike''': Urgh! === [[w:Horrors of Spider Island|Horrors of Spider Island]] === :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': It's a dames and broads audition. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]'' :'''Servo''': Lucky sign! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda begins stripping during the interview]'' :'''Linda:''' Shall I dance for you? :'''Crow:''' Yes! For God's sakes, yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]'' :'''Crow [as Gary]''': I see a [[w:Fantasy Island|tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Man, they're future [[w:Jesse Ventura|governors of Minnesota]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]'' :'''Joe''': For you, the worst girl in the world is too good. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': But I like [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! : . . . :''[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': Boy! Defending my [[w:misogyny|misogyny]] ''really'' takes commitment! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]'' :'''Georgia''': Gary! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Georgia]''': Your infidelity mildly irritates me! :'''Gary''': This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gary]''': Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gary]''': It's pretty windy too! And high humidity! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': ''[trying to get the attention of a passing ship]'' They must see us! They can't just leave us here! Hello! Hello! :'''May''': Stop all that screaming, Ann. You're driving me crazy. :'''Ann''': Let me go! Hello, take us with you! :'''Mike''': ''[the ship passes by]'' Damn ''[[w:SS Californian|Californian]]'', it never helps anyone. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]'' :'''Mike''': Look at that shadow - it's [[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby starts shadow boxing while walking.]'' :'''Crow''': He saw an air molecule that respects women. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of [[w:Vince Guaraldi|Vince Guaraldi]]-esque piano music.]'' :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by Schroeder. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]'' :'''Mike''': ...Hey! :''[The words "The End" abruptly appear]'' :'''Servo''': So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent! We're outta here! === [[w:Squirm|Squirm]] === ==== [[w:A Case of Spring Fever|A Case of Spring Fever]] (short) ==== [the title is shown] :'''Servo''': Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coily the Spring Sprite''': So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Coily]''': ...In HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': So, one clod says one thing and the ''whole world'' pays??? :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]'' :'''Coily''': Hey! The door! :'''Servo [as Coily]''': I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]'' :'''Coily''': Noooo springs! ''[laughs]'' :'''Gilbert''': Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish. :'''Coily''': ''[rubs chin in thought]'' Wellll... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Coily]''': NO! :'''Coily''': Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again! :. . . :''[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his experience with Coily, Gilbert turns his golf game with his friends into a massive filibuster about the greatness of springs.]]'' :'''Gilbert''': ''[After a friend makes a bad shot in their game.]'' Too bad... :'''Servo [as Gilbert]''': ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened! : . . . :'''Gilbert''': You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Gilbert]''': ...by anti-spring extremists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After several jump cuts and the end of the game, Gilbert's lecture is still going on, much to the annoyance of his friends and the MST3K crew.]'' :'''Gilbert''': I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as friend]''': ''Guns'', huh? : . . . :'''Gilbert''': Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! ''[inexplicably looks into sky]'' :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': Hey, look! ''God'' has a spring! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]'' :'''Gilbert''': Hey, Joe! Wake up! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gilbert]''': It's Coily's army of darkness! Look! : . . . :'''Joe''': You and your springs! I hope I never see another— :'''Gilbert''': ''Stop!'' Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live! :''[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Coily]''': ''You'll'' be the first to die! <hr width="50%"/> :''["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your [[w:preserves|preserves]] in a convenient place! ==== Squirm (movie) ==== :''[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': Well, I don't know why, but okay. :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': ''[dramatically]'' [[w:The Beverly Hillbillies|Of a man named Jed!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Granny Clampett]''': JEDDDDD!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick leaves Geri in the boat with Roger]'' :'''Crow''': Save the girl or go antiquing... Hmm... Antiques, here I come! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]'' :'''Roger''': You gonna be da worm face! :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': No, ''you'' gonna be da worm face! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]'' :'''Mama''': Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in. :'''Mike [as Geri]''': Mom, you don't even ''have'' a butt. :'''Mama''': I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Geri]''': Mother! That's private. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Sanders''': ''[in her exaggerated Southern accent]'' I never saw such a storm... :'''Crow [as Mama]''': I do hope [[Gone with the Wind|Ashley Wilkes]] can get through. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]'' :'''Geri''': Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases. :'''Mama Sanders''': Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mama Sanders]''': ... along with Daddy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]'' :'''Mick''': No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark. :'''Servo [as Geri]''': Mom cracked in 1953. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]'' :'''Servo [as Roger/[[w:Stevie Wonder|Stevie Wonder]]]''': [[w:Isn't She Lovely?|Isn't she lovely?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]'' :'''Servo [as Coily]''': Noooo springs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie is ending]'' :'''Servo''': Please, folks, remember to worm your dog. :'''Mike''': And if you do start a worm farm, do not raise flesh-eating intelligent millipedes by mistake. :'''Crow''': And if you have red hair, do not mate. === [[w:Danger: Diabolik|Diabolik]] === :''[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing along with the music]'' Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''':Y'know, this music would be better with women in [[w:Bikini|bikinis]] shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Diabolik]''': Let's have a [[w:Tantra|tantric]] quickie. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Eva]''': Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store. :'''Servo''': This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh! She's a ''great'' samaritan! :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': This will fool them unless they look at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow! ''Dangerously'' steep stairs! :'''Servo''': You're watching the ''stairs''? :'''Crow''': Poor Mike... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]'' :'''Servo''': They're really gonna have to get their [[w:Money laundering|money laundered]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]] and his wife! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, with ''my'' budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change. :. . . :'''Servo''': Paper cuts are brutal. :. . . :'''Crow''': The young [[w:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]]! :. . . :'''Servo''': They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars. :. . . :'''Mike''': If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better. :. . . :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster! :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now. :. . . :'''Crow''': Got greed? :'''Servo''': Member, FDIC! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Dan Quayle|Dan Quayle]] announces his candidacy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]'' :'''Mike''': The S. S. [[w:Jo Anne Worley|Jo Anne Worley]]! :'''Valmont''': Is that Stud... coming? :'''Crow''': I beg your pardon? :''[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': My steel, reusable [[w:Fleet (laxative)|Fleet]]. :'''Mike [as Diabolik]''': Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':They make love in English pound notes — their sex is 50% better!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]'' :'''Servo''': This has been the official [[w:Biographical film|biopic]] of [[w:Larry Fine (actor)|Larry Fine]].{{hnote|The series' final riff}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Look, Nelson. Move on. I am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At home, the gang watches ''[[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]]'', the first film in ''MST3K's'' cable run; While it's reveleaed that Gypsy has started her own company.]'' :'''Servo''': "The Crawling Eye". The [[w:Marty Feldman|Marty Feldman]] Story. :'''Mike''': Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in. :'''Crow''': [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?]] :'''Servo''': Hmmm.{{hnote|And thus ends the era of an old series. But a new generation is yet to come.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ralph Valmont''': ''[the final stinger of the original run of MST3K]'' Is that Stud... coming? == Season 11: The Return == === [[w:Reptilicus|Reptilicus]] === :'''Kinga Forrester''': I am reopening my family's most legendary experiment; Mystery Science Theater 3000! I'm gonna blow up this brand, and then sell it to Disney for a billion dollars! <hr width="50%"> :''[as the miners discover flesh and bones on the copper drill]'' :'''Miner''': Bones? :'''Jonah''': [[w:Star Trek: The Original Series|Jim]]! :'''Miner''': Fossil bones. :'''Jonah''': Fossil Jim! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie! :'''Jonah''': Okay, out. :'''Crow''': What? But that's Shakespeare! :'''Jonah''': Out! :'''Crow''': Oh, c'mon... <hr width="50%"> :'''Gypsy''': Now you're ''Mister'' Filing Cabinet! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack. <hr width="50%"> :''[as the scenes cut rapidly]'' :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Crow''': The temperature is negative five degrees! :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 5:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is ten degrees! :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 8:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is twenty degrees!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Only God can play God, and [[w:Bruce Almighty|sometimes Morgan Freeman]]! <hr width="50%"> :''[during a shot of two officers playing chess]'' :'''Crow [as officer]''': Bingo. Yahtzee. King me. I don't really know how to play backgammon. === [[w:Cry Wilderness|Cry Wilderness]] === :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Crow''': Well, if you insist. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': '''WILDERNESS!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Douglas''': You're too old to believe in fairy tales! :'''Gyspy''': He is? What a terrible way to find out. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Paul runs away from his father, who is carrying a rifle]'' :'''Will''': Paul! :'''Jonah [as Will]''': Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... ''a person!'' <hr width=50%> :''[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]'' :'''Crow [as a raccoon]''': I went from ''Guardians of the Galaxy'' to this?! :'''Servo [as other raccoon]''': How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick! :. . . :'''Jonah''': You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN. :'''Servo''': Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace. :''[Paul's father begins to laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Don't laugh. You people are pigs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Wagoner''': You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel. :'''Will''': All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster. :'''Mr. Wagoner''': My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em! :'''Sheriff''': Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner. :'''Jonah [as Sheriff]''': How ''high'', sir? :'''Mr. Wagoner''': What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys! :'''Jim''': You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner. :'''Mr. Wagoner''': Make me understand. :'''Will''': It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with. :''[Wagoner throws something down which seemingly hits Servo]'' :'''Servo''': Ow! Geez! :'''Mr. Wagoner''': If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of '''one''' hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! ''[to Morgan]'' You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! ''[to Jim]'' You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! ''[a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]'' :'''Jonah [as Wagoner]''': Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jim wrestles a bear and begins randomly laughing]'' :'''Servo''': Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun. :'''Jim''': It's old Big Mike! :'''Crow [as Will]''': Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead. :'''Jonah [as Morgan]''': What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails. :'''Crow''': ''Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love''. :'''Servo [as Paul]''': Maybe I'll laugh later. :''[Will begins laughing]'' :'''Crow''': I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their ''Seinfeld''. :'''Servo''': ''[Paul begins laughing]'' It's funny! :'''Crow''': Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for ''Two and A Half Men''? <hr width=50%> :'''Morgan''': Let's keep this a secret between you and me. :'''Crow''': Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid. <hr width=50%> :''[after a random tiger exits the cave]'' :'''Crow [as the tiger]''': I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': ''[grabbing Paul]'' Do I have to tie you up?! :'''Paul''': You're nothing but a dumb Indian! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''WHOA!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Red Hawk! Is that you? :'''Red Hawk''': You remember me, don't you? :'''Jim''': You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave. :'''Jonah [as Red Hawk]''': Well, Happy Easter. :'''Red Hawk''': I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. ''[beckons to the animals around him]'' :'''Crow [as a hawk]''': I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police! <hr width=50%/> :''[during a snowy scene]'' :'''Morgan''': Let's get this tiger hunt over with. I'm looking for bigger game. :'''Will''': What do you mean? :'''Morgan''': I'm sitting on a fortune, right here in this forest, now! :'''Crow [as Morgan]''': Look at all this pure, uncut cocaine! <hr width=50%> :''[As the credits roll]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit. === [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|The Time Travelers]] === :'''Crow''': I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour. <hr width=50%> :'''Gypsy''': Rip Torn is Dr. Strange! <hr width=50%> :''[shot of a table of android eyeballs]'' :'''Crow''': Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eyeball. This is already happening, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin? :'''Jonah''': "And-groin"? Did you just make that word up? :'''Servo''': I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch". :'''Crow''': Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting! <hr width=50%/> :'''Danny''': ''[holding a tray of android eyeballs]'' Holy McKee! I thought I was giving ''her'' the eye! :'''Jonah''': ''[sigh]'' You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny. :'''Servo''': Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Danny and Reena kiss]'' :'''Servo''': Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow! :'''Crow''': Hah! :'''Jonah''': Hey... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Carol finds a storage room filled with wooden boxes full of straw]'' :'''Servo''': Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future! :'''Crow''': Hobo bedding... of the future! :'''Jonah''': The insides of scarecrows... of the future! :'''Servo''': Practical dynamite storage... of the future! :'''Crow''': Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future! :'''Jonah''': Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of ''Jerry Maguire''... also of the future! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': You are pronouncing our death sentence. :'''Servo [as Steve]''': You dickweed! :'''Willard''': I don't enjoy doing it. :'''Steve''': You resented us from the beginning! :'''Willard''': I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I... :'''Crow''': Line! :'''Willard''': We must consider the greater good! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Hot Fuzz|The greater good...]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as the movie abruptly ends]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, the universe lost reception! :''[a message from the producer appears onscreen]'' :'''Jonah''': The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good. :'''Servo''': I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga Forrester''': Well Max, that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. What an achievement. :'''Max''': If you count the old series, which we had nothing to do with. Technically, this was our third episode. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Okay come on, Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! Donald Duck turns 90, Mickey and Minnie's 25th Anniversary, uh... the 40th Anniversary of pulling ''Song of the South'' off the shelves- I don't know! We have got to grab some of these celebration legacy dollars! Bring in the cake! :''[the skeleton crew wheels in a cake filled with candles; Max lights a lighter]'' :'''Kinga Forrester''': No no no, hey! ''[slaps the lighter from his hand]'' We are not lighting the candles! This is a nitrogen-rich atmosphere! Wh- ... ''[sighs]'' Happy 200th, Max. :'''Max''': ...Yeah, okay. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Push the 200th button, Max. === [[w:Avalanche (1978 film)| Avalanche]] === :'''Onscreen Text''': New World Pictures presents... :'''Jonah''': The Illuminati made a movie? Huh. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and they're so open about it. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': It's terrific to see you. :'''Crow [as David]''': Even in that color palette. :'''David''': The two of you together... :'''Jonah''': And I'm not forgetting [[w:Steve Franken|you]], [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|Danny from the last movie]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Florence and McDade struggle walking uphill in snow]'' :'''Florence''': ''[breathless]'' In case you haven't noticed... not only... are we out-of-doors... and knee-deep... in snow... but we are... also... going uphill! :'''Jonah [as the director]''': Cut! Take 15, do it again! <hr width=50%/> :''[after a skier narrowly escapes an avalanche]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': My snowball predicted all of this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as we see Caroline swimming underwater]'' :'''Servo''': Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch. :''[she surfaces]'' :'''Caroline''': Oh, hi there. :'''Jonah''': Oh, she's in a heated pool. :'''Crow''': Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche. :'''Servo''': Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a waiters serve numerous [[w:baked Alaska|baked Alaskas]]]'' :'''Jonah [as a waiter]''': Uh, we made way too many of these? No one seems to want 'em, they look awful, but they taste okay. We're just giving them away for free now, seriously try one. Anybody? Please? :'''Crow [as a waiter]''': ''[as one waiter carries a torched baked Alaska up to a balcony]'' Screw it. We're just gonna torch them all, and throw them off the balcony. What's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? It's ridiculous. :''[as a waiter serves one to where the main characters are sitting]'' :'''Servo [as a waiter]''': Thank you for agreeing to take one of these. They really smell. We're sorry. :'''Jonah [as Florence]''': Oh, yuck! Marshmallows, grilled oysters, cherry tomatoes, ''and'' butter??? Oh... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': You know what this movie is missing? :'''Crow''': Name tags. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': ''[as he and Caroline get into an argument]'' What's going on here? I only asked you to dance! :'''Caroline''': You didn't ''ask'' me to dance, you ''told'' me to dance! :'''Servo''': Crazy on you! :'''Caroline''': You've got to run the whole show, you panic if you haven't got complete control! It's always the same thing! I've got to the point where I didn't even know what I felt about anything! :'''David''': I just want to be with you! What's wrong with wanting to be with you, or you wanting to be with me?! :'''Caroline''': You ''stifle'' me! I- I need some space! I need some room! I've gotta make my own decisions! Just leave me alone. :'''David''': I don't ''want'' to leave you alone! :'''Caroline''': Well, that's a problem I can solve. :'''Jonah''': Get a second divorce! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film cuts to an unfocused shot of the storm]'' :'''Servo''': Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune? :'''Crow''': I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a plane crashes in a fiery explosion into the mountain and triggers the avalanche]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like ''Sharknado'' or ''Lavalantula''. :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, we give you ''Plane-alanche''! :'''Jonah''': I didn't know snow was so combustible. :'''Servo''': It's not, but styrofoam is. :'''Crow''': Now if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving. :'''Jonah''': I think we need to get a sense of scale here. This could be a snow fort for all we know. :'''Servo''': This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike Bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any whiter. <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Fire Department loses a box of first aid equipment]'' :'''Crow''': That wasn't even caused by the avalanche! They're just completely incompetent! :''[an ambulance stops in the street, while a police car swerves to avoid a collision, and almost hits a person, causing mayhem]'' :'''Jonah''': They should change the name of this movie from ''Avalanche'' to just ''General Catastrophe''. :'''Servo''': Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche? :'''Crow''': What's next? Someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it? <hr width=50%/> :''[when a fire truck's yellow beacon light is right in front of the camera]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, it's commercial sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ambulance carrying Florence careens off a cliff]'' :'''Jonah''': Wait, there's a chance that Florence could survive that fall. :'''Gypsy''': Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive. :''[the ambulance explodes]'' :'''Crow''': Yup. There she goes. :'''Servo''': Even the fire smells like gin. === [[w:The Beast of Hollow Mountain|The Beast of Hollow Mountain]] === :'''Jonah''': Oh that's so thoughtful, the cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking. :'''Crow''': Oh way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio. :''[Pancho stumbles outside]'' :'''Jonah [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' Kick ''me'' out of the Cantina? Greedo shot first, you all saw it! :'''Crow [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' I told you we'd have fun on your birthday! :'''Pancho''': ''[drunk]'' You're not mad at me, are you? :'''Servo [as Panchito]''': Oh Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Enrique approaches Jimmy and Don]'' :'''Don Pedro''': The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me. :'''Jimmy Ryan''': I know, I've been there. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Girlfriend. :'''Don Pedro''': Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing. :'''Enrique''': ''[in a heavy American Accent]'' Speaking of disappearing... :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': Has anyone seen my accent? :'''Enrique''': Why don't you disappear back to Texas where you came from? :'''Jonah [as Jimmy]''': I'm from Connecticut! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jimmy fights with Enrique]'' :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': For the last time! ''[synchronizes with each punch]'' [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]]! Isn't! That! Bad! <hr width=50%/> :'''Enrique''': What am I supposed to think when I see my fianceé in the arms of another man?! :'''Sarita''': If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us! :'''Enrique''': But they did see! :'''Sarita''': What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the streets! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away! :'''Jonah''': Ooh... :'''Enrique''': It is only... only because I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of... :'''Servo [as Enrique]''': Haggis. Ugh. :'''Enrique''': Sarita, forgive me. When a man is in love, he is not... not himself. :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': He is another, stupider man. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Wow, Machu Picchu! :'''Servo''': Machu Picchu is in Peru. :'''Crow''': Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru? :''[Servo lunges at Crow but Jonah holds him back]'' :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Would you just-?! Ohh! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Jimmy rides his horse through a cemetery]'' Oh man, Jimmy, this is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels! Do the math! I'm turning this off! :'''Servo''': You can't, we tried that. :'''Crow''': Yeah, we're made out of those special parts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if you punch and shoot at the same time, it adds speed to the bullet. <hr width=50%> :'''Panchito''': Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp! :'''Jonah, Crow, and Servo''': Second act twist! <hr width=50%> :'''Kinga''': ''[watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film]'' Uh, is this that [[Hamilton (musical)|Hamilton show]] everyone's talking about? :'''Max''': It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head. :'''Jonah''': ''[pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely]'' Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?! :'''Kinga''': ''[begging]'' Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind! :'''Max''': What have we done to offend thee?! :'''Jonah''': Answer me! You guys are scaring me! :'''Max''': Who must we kill to slake thy anger? :'''Jonah''': ''[growing more uneasy]'' Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?! :'''Kinga''': ''[sobbing in horror]'' Make it stop!! :'''Jonah''': ''[as 'Movie Sign' blares]'' Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go! :''[back in the theater]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[to Servo]'' What was all that about? :'''Servo''': That wasn't us. <hr width=50%> :''[when the film's titular beast; a claymation Tyrannosaurus Rex, finally appears]'' :'''Crow''': I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast", which led me to assume it would be hairier. Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra. :'''Servo''': You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur? :'''Crow''': No, I was not. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie. :'''Servo''': What do you call it? :'''Jonah''': I don't know. "Pancho"? :'''Crow''': And then your kids could play the game of "Panchito", which is when they beg you to stop. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jimmy fires upon the dinosaur]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing in the melody of the MST3K Theme]'' But the cowboy didn't like him, so he shot him in the face. :'''Crow''': Meta! === [[w:Starcrash|Starcrash]] === :'''Woman on PA System''': Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. :'''Gypsy [as the Woman]''': Your Hot Pocket is ready. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': ''[looking at a space landscape full of different colored stars]'' Some people just don't know when to take down their Christmas lights. <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': You can drop the rifle ray. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': My name's not Ray, it's Stella! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of ''Guardians of the Galaxy''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ship goes into hyperspace]'' :'''Crow''': Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screensaver? <hr width=50%/> :'''Atkon''': It's here on the third planet of the next solar system. :'''Stella''': I've never been there. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': And my birthday's coming up. Hint, hint. :'''Stella''': What's it like? :'''Atkon''': Red fogs, high winds, low gravity. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Oh, it's like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And the atmospheric conditions are stable. However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets. The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Like Delaware! <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': Say goodbye! ''[fires his laser gun at Atkon with no effect on Atkon; the lasers are very low quality]'' What??? :'''Jonah [as Akton]''': Your crappy effects are powerless against me. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stella and Simon fight off a mob of cavemen]'' :'''Jonah''': Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun! :''[Akton appears, and summons a laser sword weapon]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off ''[[w:Spaceballs|Spaceballs]]''. :... :'''Servo [as Akton]''': Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': Let's go board your ship, and continue on at once. :'''Akton''': There's no need to continue. :'''Crow''': Because the budget just ran out. The end! Let's go guys! === [[w:The Land That Time Forgot (1974 film)|The Land That Time Forgot]] === :''[as someone throws a canister into the sea]'' :'''Crow''': It's a can of spring snakes. :'''Servo''': That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day. :'''Crow''': Or gives them a heart attack. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bowen Voiceover''': I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate. :'''Jonah [as Bowen]''': So never mind. <hr width=50%/> :'''Freidrich''': Prepare to surface. :'''Dietz''': Jawohl, Kapitän. :'''Crow''': Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy. :'''Friedrich''': Up periscope. :'''Officer''': Up periscope! :'''Servo [as Friedrich]''': Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time... :''[as the Periscope is brought up, and Friedrich wipes it down]'' :'''Jonah [as Friedrich]''': Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on! :'''Crow''': This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors. :'''Friedrich''': Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope. :'''Officer''': Down periscope! :'''Servo [as Friedrich]''': Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?! :'''Crow [as Klaus]''': Sorry, mein Kapitän. :'''Friedrich''': Both engines full ahead. :'''Officer''': Both engines full ahead! :'''Jonah [as Friedrich]''': Klaus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Friedrich''': Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area. :'''Servo''': He said "area". :'''Friedrich''': And we should rendezvous within the hour. :'''Crow [as Friedrich]''': Or the pizza's free. :'''Friedrich''': And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate. :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"? :'''Jonah''': Nope. :'''Crow''': Someday the whole show will be like this. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Bowen fights a Plesiosaur]'' :'''Servo''': So that creature's probably endangered, right? :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT! <hr width=50%/> :''[while the crew battle two Allosaurus; one of them puts away his rifle and pulls out a pistol]'' :'''Crow''': Oh good, a smaller gun. And if that doesn't work, you can throw your shoes at him. <hr width=50%/> :''[while the expedition journeys through the jungle]'' :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, stop! :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND! <hr width=50%/> :''[in an overly long scene where Bowen and Friedrich stalk a styracosaurus]'' :'''Jonah''': If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away. === [[w:The Loves of Hercules|The Loves of Hercules]] === :'''Kinga''': Your experiment is a pecs-and-princess epic starring Jayne Mansfield, Jayne Mansfield's husband, and the rest of Jayne Mansfield. :'''Max''': It stinks like feta cheese! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log]'' Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing. :''[Hercules struggles to gain balance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! ''[grunt]'' Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Hercules breaks down a barricaded door]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': ''[Italian accent]'' I haved breakededed the door! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Deianira changed behind a pink sheet]'' :'''Jonah''': Why is she standing behind a giant napkin? :'''Servo''': Ooooh... :'''Crow''': Oh, it's hanky panky. :''[the bots attempt to peek behind the sheet]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here! :''[Deianira puts a robe on]'' :'''Servo''': Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it. :'''Jonah''': How was it though? :'''Crow''': Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear. <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of a supposed to be threatening bull, but the bull just looks peaceful]'' :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, that bull's got murder in his big, dewy eyes. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Deianira faints after Herculese kills the bull]'' :'''Servo [as Deianira]''': I haven't fainted in nearly ten minutes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hercules''': Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine. :'''Crow''': Stalker alert. <hr width=50%/> :'''Achelous''' Let me thank you for having saved the life of my wife-to-be. :''[Hercules looks stunned]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': What? :'''Jonah''': Download complete. :''[Hercules looks stunned again]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': But then you- :'''Jonah''': Download complete. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules fights Achelous]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': Now bow down to my tiny nipple. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Philoctetes rides into a landscape with colorful smoke]'' :'''Servo''': He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist. :'''Jonah''': See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril. :'''Crow''': Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest. :'''Jonah''': Right. :... :'''Crow''': How do you get pink smoke? :'''Servo''': That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules clumsily fights a Hydra puppet]'' :'''Crow [as the director]''': Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the ''Jurassic Park'' ride at Universal Studios. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': I know this is a Hercules movie, but this Hercules just doesn't seem that strong at all. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules struggles in battle against the hydra]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I've got an idea, maybe the weapons were laying around, because they were '''''INEFFECTIVE???''''' Come on, man! I fall over in disgust. === [[w:Yongary, Monster from the Deep|Yongary: Monster from the Deep]] === :''[as the film opens with a couple newlyweds]'' :'''Servo''': Wait, it's over? Did we just skip to the end of the movie? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a car drives down the center of a highway, not in an exact lane]'' :'''Crow''': The center lane is for newlyweds only. Out of the way! :'''Servo''': This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': I think I know what's going on. Come on out. :'''Groom''': Who are you talking to? :'''Ilo''': Come on out of there, Icho! :'''Gypsy''': Wait, his name is Icho, and he makes people itch? Glad his name isn't Poo-O. :'''Jonah''': Okay, Gypsy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Groom''': ''[when the bride wakes him up]'' Huh. I must have dozed. :'''Servo''': This is all part of his elaborate love play. :'''Groom''': Boy, I’m really tired tonight. :'''Bride''': You can sleep afterward. :'''Crow''': After what, Jonah? :'''Jonah''': D- Don’t worry about it. :'''Crow''': Okay. :'''Groom''': You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear? :'''Servo [as the Groom]''': That’s not what I’m into. :'''Bride''': I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed. :'''Groom''': No. :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Yes.. :'''Groom''': That happens whenever I get married. :'''Servo''': “Whenever???” :... :'''Groom''': Hey, sweetheart... :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[looking on a model center in the film]'' This must be [[w:Shining Time Station|Shining Time Station’s]] military industrial complex. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a buzzer begins to sound in the film]'' :'''Jonah''': We got movie sign! :''[Jonah and the Bots get excited and begin to run out of the theater, before quickly realizing the buzzer is in the film and return to their seats]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, that was... :'''Crow''': Whoops, that was embarrassing! :'''Jonah''': Yeah, sorry about that. <hr width=50%/> :''[during an earthquake]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh this is it, the big one's hitting! ''[freaking out]'' Gypsy, initiate panic mode! :''[Jonah and the Bots scream and run around in place]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[dropping down]'' Guys, settle down, it's not even a convincing earthquake scene! Looks like your weird uncle's train set! <hr width=50%/> :''[an earthquake hits, and mountains smoke]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's just North Korea. [[w:Nuclear weapons testing|They do that]]... a lot. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Yongary emerges from the ground]'' :'''Police Officer''': Yongary's coming out! :'''Crow''': Hey, good for Yongary! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo's Mother''': Please don't go, Ilo. :'''Ilo''': Don't you worry. I have to go. I'll be alright. :'''Icho''': I'll go too. :'''Jonah [as Icho]''': Death and destruction are my jam. ''Whee!'' :'''Suna & Ilo's Mother''': Icho! Icho! No, come back, please! :'''Crow [as Icho]''': You suck, and this place sucks, and I'm leaving! <hr width=50%/> :''[at a sock hop; a teenager prays while another pours beer on his head]'' :'''Servo [as Praying Teen]''': Please Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us. :'''Jonah''': I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle. It's still going! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami. I've got to get a closer look at Yongary. Will you please let me in? :'''Soldier''': You got here a bit too late. :'''Crow [as Soldier]''': He's dead. Movie's over. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Servo [as Soldier]''': We're just waiting for the shockwave. :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah''': Sergeant Loose Lips right here. :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Servo [as Ilo]''': Um, we're not going. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Crow''': Did they hit a glitch in [[w:The Matrix|the Matrix]]? :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah [as Soldier]''': Go. I'm out of dialogue! :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Suna''': Missiles? Really? :'''Servo''': ''Yeah! Any minute!'' === [[w:Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|Wizards of the Lost Kingdom]] === :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Jonah''': How do you lose a whole kingdom? :'''Crow''': Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car? <hr width=50%/> :''[when it's revealed that [[w:James Horner|James Horner]] composed the film's score]'' :'''Jonah''': James Horner?! :'''Crow''': Ah, yes. ''[[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]'', ''[[w:Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'', ''[[w:Avatar (2009 film)|Avatar]]'', and this movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, when [[w:James Cameron|Cameron]] was scoring ''[[w:Titanic (1997 Film)|Titanic]]'', he said, "I want that ''Wizards of the Lost Kingdom'' sound." <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon watches his father battle Shurka via a reflection in water]'' :'''Crow''': It's streaming video. Get it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Jiffy Pop helmet, save me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Kor walks away from Simon and Gulfax]'' This is where Kor's theme song comes in. :''[starts singing]'' :''They call me Kor the Conquerer'' :''I thought I could conquer anything'' :''But ever since I met that boy'' :''I've found out I'm not worth a thing'' :''That's just par for the Kor'' :''That's just par'' :''They call me Kor!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after Simon casts a spell which destroys the pool, in which Shurka was watching him in an explosion]'' :'''Jonah''': Whoa! A real on-camera explosion, no digital effects! :'''Shurka''': Damn him! ''[continues angrily screaming]'' He has beaten me this time; Bombinooooo! :'''Jonah''': See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake. :'''Crow''': Oh wow! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': What is it? :'''Kor''': Riders, coming this way! :'''Jonah''': Writers? They'll fix the script! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon resurrects the dead]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[as Simon]'' I just remembered, I'm an overpriviledged wuss! <hr width=50%/> :''[Shurka attempts to seduce Princess Aura]'' :'''Shurka''': You have spirit. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Shurka]'' Yes you do. :'''Shurka''': I like that. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Shurka]'' How about you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Hurla''': Your greatest test is yet to come. Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan. We'll join you later when you need us most. :'''Crow''': That's not a plan. :'''Simon''': But I can't. :'''Hurla''': Nothing in this world is certain. If you survive, we will join you. :'''Servo [as Hurla]''': And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]]''': I just realized why they called it a suicide cave! :'''Servo [as Statler]''': Why's that? :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': Because I want to kill myself! :''[Servo and Jonah laugh like Statler and Waldorf]'' :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': I'm depressed... <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as the [[w:Tales from the Crypt (comics)|Crypt-Keeper]]]''': Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just ''dying'' to get in here. ''[evil laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Watch out for the stalag-''fright''! ''[cackles]'' :'''Crow [as the Crypr-Keeper]''': Be careful so you don't go ''batty''! ''[wicked laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Here, let me give you a... ''hand''! :'''Jonah''': Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions. :'''Crow & Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Oooh! A crematorium! ''[wicked laughing]'' :''[Jonah gets annoyed, and grabs Crow and Servo, and crashes them into each other]'' :'''Crow''': Oof! :'''Servo''': Ow! <hr width=50%/> :''[when Simon and Kor come upon a large dirty waterfall landscape]'' :'''Crow''': This is where the runoff goes from [[Roald_Dahl#Charlie_and_the_Chocolate_Factory_(1964)|Wonka's Chocolate Factory]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Simon and Shurka duel each other in magic]'' :'''Servo''': So how come wizards have such terrible aim? :'''Jonah''': Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements. :'''Crow''': Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet. :'''Servo''': Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as the credits begin rolling]'' Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom. :'''Servo''': ''[laughs sarcastically]'' You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists. :'''Crow''': Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad. :'''Servo''': Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs. :'''Crow''': Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition. :'''Jonah''': I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king? :'''Servo''': Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely. :'''Crow''': Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion. :'''Servo''': Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides. :'''Crow''': And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew. :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same. :'''Jonah''': You guys are making me feel sick. :'''Servo''': It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it. === [[w:Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II]] === :'''Caedmon''': I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard. :'''Jonah''': Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Guys, I never thought I’d miss Simon and Kor so badly. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tyor is entranced by a female dancer]'' :'''Tyor''': She's beautiful, master! So delicate! :''[she punches one of the patrons]'' :'''Crow [as Tyor]''': She's her own bouncer! :'''Tyor''': So strong! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor. :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor! :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Jonah [as Caedmon]''': ''Time to go, Tyor!!!'' :'''Tyor''': Isn't the arts part of my education? :'''Caedmon''': Absolutely not! :'''Servo [as Caedmon]''': The state cut arts funding! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So it's basically rock-paper-scissors. Fire destroys amulet. Amulet freezes legs. Legs stomp out fire. Yeah. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': You will no longer breathe the air of a free man. :''[Loki laughs]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Robert_Blake_(actor)|Robert Blake]] in ''[[Lost Highway]]''. :'''Tyor''': By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone! :'''Jonah''': He's making all this up as he goes along. :'''Tyor''': Oomen, kauai, tenk! :'''Servo [as Loki]''': Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of ''[[w:Caroline in the City|Caroline in the City]]''. :''[Loki is turned to stone]'' :'''Jonah''': Alright, take him to [[w:Jabba the Hutt|Jabba]]. :'''Tyor''': Now his garden is complete. :'''Crow''': [[w: Won't Get Fooled Again|YEEEAAAH!!!]] ''[[CSI: Miami]]''! <hr width=50%/> :''[as two thieves engage in a fight, and one begins to attack using the exact same move]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': Prepare for my overhand! ''[attack is blocked]'' :'''Crow [as thief]''': Or how about my overhand! ''[attack is blocked again]'' :'''Jonah [as thief]''': No? Well try my OVERHAND! ''[blocked again]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle— ''[bandit uses the same attack again]'' PSYCH! Overhand! ''[blocked again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Donar''': ''[capturing Freyja]'' Who gave him the sword? :'''Jonah [as Donar]''': And where's your hall pass? :'''Donar''': You die with the dawn. :'''Freyja''': He had a knife at my neck, I made no promises, I said I'd try! Now leave me alone, I have a horrible headache! :'''Crow''': We all do, trust us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': ''[as Tyor begins to untie Freyja]'' If I take you with me, what do I get? :'''Freyja''': ''[seductively]'' Anything. :'''Servo [as Tyor]''': Can I keep these cool rubber snakes? :'''Tyor''': That's what I was afraid of. :''[music cue]'' :'''Jonah [as Tyor]''': The band is illustrating my sexual confusion. === [[w:Carnival Magic (1983 film)|Carnival Magic]] === :''[as the title card partially appears]'' :'''Servo''': Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you! :'''Crow''': Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh. :''[the word "Magic" begins to slowly reveal itself one letter at a time]'' :'''Servo''': ''Carnival Man''. :'''Jonah''': ''Carnival Magnum, P.I.'' :'''Servo''': Off the O. Henry story. :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Carnival Magi''- oh, ''Carnival Magic'', I knew it the whole time, guys. <hr width=50%/> :''[Missy O'Shea is credited as "The girl in the car"]'' :'''Crow''': Lots of girls in this movie, but only Missy O'Shea is in the car. <hr width=50%/> :''[Markov walks alone, talking to something offscreen, seemingly looking at Servo]'' :'''Markov''': Now stop playing this is serious. :'''Servo''': I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. :'''Markov''': I can't spend all my time looking after you and worrying about what you're doing. :'''Servo''': When you're right, you're right. :'''Markov''': This isn't the first time it's happened, you know. :'''Servo''': We agreed not to talk about that. :'''Markov''': You just... you just won't be quiet, you think everyone's your friend because you trust so much. :'''Servo''': I blame [[w:Facebook|Facebook]]. :'''Markov''': We can try to stay clear of people, but... :'''Servo''': They're everywhere, right? :'''Markov''': ... in time, they'll come into our lives and nothing will ever be the same again. :'''Servo''': You mean when we ride the comet? :'''Markov''': You know, I need time to myself too, you know. :'''Servo''': Of course, master. Forgive me. :'''Markov''': But you make noises so loud, everyone thinks I'm hiding a monster. :'''Servo''': Again, let me apologize, I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry. :'''Markov''': People are suspicious of things they don't understand. :'''Servo''': Right, like the thing with the chicken. :'''Markov''': And that's why I'm hiding you. :'''Servo''': That makes sense, master. Let me go prepare your chamber. :'''Markov''': But it's very hard to keep the world out. :'''Servo''': I understand. We're all waiting for the day of the great translargement. It's going to be glorious. ''[returns to his seat]'' :'''Crow''': What was that all about? :'''Servo''': Hell if I know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': He's got Kirk. :'''Bud''': Kirk is not the answer anymore. :'''Servo''': Picard? <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': Alex... :'''Servo''': I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200. :'''Markov''': ...when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through. :'''Jonah''': What stage of grief is chimp-play? :'''Markov''': But we're broke... :'''Crow [as Markov]''': Your [[w:Beanie Babies|Beanie Baby]] obsession destroyed us. :'''Markov''': And we can't stay together if... I can't feed you. :'''Jonah''': Oh, I get it, circle of life. Man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-ranked carnival, goes broke, man and chimp starve in a trailer, seen it a hundred times, really. <hr width=50%> :'''Carnie''': Okay okay okay, here's where you get the big one, one in, you win- how about you, sir? Three balls for fifty cents, by golly, here's where you win the big one, just one in, you take home a beautiful goldfish. Everybody plays it! Come on in, sir, wait a minute, step right inside, sir... :'''Jonah [as [[w:Toby Radloff|Toby Radloff]]/[[w:The Simpsons|Comic Book Guy]]]''': Uh, no. As a nerd, I do not partake in games of chance. I understand they are rigged in favor of the carnival against the laws of probability. On the other hand, I do need a new pair of belly-high pants. Oh no, I've attracted a crowd, the pressure's on... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Crow and Servo ogle a pair of scantily-clad dancing women]'' :'''Jonah''': Come on, guys. That's not cool. :'''Crow''': But you dance all the time! :'''Jonah''': That's my ''private'' time, and- I- I didn't know you could see that either, okay?! <hr width=50%/> :''[Alex goes into an unlocked car, and a girl is seen sleeping in the back]'' :'''Servo''': Why it's Missy O'Shea, the girl in the car! :''[Alex starts the car up]'' :'''Jonah''': ''Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City.'' :'''Servo''': Forget about that. Where's Missy O'Shea?! :'''Crow''': Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions. Sure she's ''a'' girl in ''a'' car, but is she ''the'' girl in ''the'' car? <hr width=50%> :''[Alex has stolen a car and run a police car off the road, getting it stuck in the grass]'' :'''Jonah''': Police cars don't work on grass! :'''Servo''': [[w:Back to the Future Part II|Unless you got powuh!]] ''[laughs goofily]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[during a random car chase]'' :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Breaker, breaker, we got a ''Carnival Magic'' in progress. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Uh, ''Carnival Magic''? What's that? :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Oh right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot, but makes the movie long enough so that way he can run it in theaters. :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it]], thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Yeah, exactly. ''Carnival Magic.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Livingston''': It's as if he's willing himself to die. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': We'll have what he's having! <hr width=50%/> :''[as onscreen text announces a potential sequel]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''More Carnival Magic''? No! :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of ''Carnival Magic'' sequels, though when ''More Carnival Magic'' finally came out, it was titled ''[[w:2 Fast 2 Furious|2 Magic 2 Carnival]]''. :'''Crow''': Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, ''Carnival Magic 3: [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|Return of the Girl in the Car]]''. :'''Servo''': Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the [[w:Star Wars #Prequel Trilogy|prequels]]. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp. :'''Crow''': And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats. :'''Servo''': They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company. :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, the whole ''[[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe]]''. At that point, the whole ''Carnival Magic'' movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the ''Carnival Magic'' toy lines. :'''Servo''': But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with ''[[w:Batman Begins|Carnival Magic Begins]]'' and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place. :'''Jonah''': I had no idea there were so many of these movies. :'''Servo''': Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio? :'''Crow''': And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane. :'''Servo''': True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency." :'''Crow''': "All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors." :'''Jonah''': Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic. :'''Servo''': Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful. :'''Crow''': They tried a couple of disaster movies- ''Tornado'', and ''The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out''. :'''Servo''': And of course the [[romantic comedies]] ''Van Rockers'', and ''Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat''. :'''Crow''': I kind of liked the action movies he did: ''Maximum Towage''. :'''Servo''': Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic ''Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension''. :'''Jonah''': Guys, were any of these movies real? :'''Servo''': Of course not, Jonah! :'''Crow''': I don't even think ''Carnival Magic'' was real, and we just watched it! :'''Jonah''': That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now? === [[w:The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|The Christmas That Almost Wasn't]] === :'''Max''': Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! :'''Kinga''': No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the title card appears, and reads "Il Natale Che Quasi Non Fu"]'' :'''Servo''': Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': I must be seeing things. :'''Jonah''': Charles Darwin? :'''Sam''': Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Are you saying I'm fat?! :'''Santa''': I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing. :'''Sam''': That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face! :'''Crow [as Santa]''': I'm off the clock. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year? :'''Crow [as Sam]''': Yeah, what's his ''dill''? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': When's the rent due, Santa? :'''Santa''': Christmas Eve at midnight. :'''Sam''': Doesn't leave you much time, does it? :'''Santa''': That's why I came all the way down here to find you. :'''Sam''': Why me? I'm nobody special. :'''Santa''': Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter. :'''Sam''': So did a million other children. :'''Santa''': That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the ''only'' child who wrote me a letter ''after'' Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's. :''[Sam begins laughing]'' :'''Servo [as Sam]''': Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': How much do you owe, Santa? :'''Santa''': Oh no, I couldn't... :'''Sam''': Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much? :'''Santa''': ''[handing him a piece of paper]'' Well, here's the rent bill. :'''Jonah [as Sam]''': This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': 800 candy canes a ''day''??? :'''Sam''': ''[perplexed]'' That much...? :'''Servo [as Sam]''': You're gonna need one ''hell'' of a GoFundMe page! :... :''[as Sam struggles to come up with funds for Santa's rent, only to find he's severely short]'' :'''Sam''': Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills. :'''Servo''': A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune! :'''Servo''': The T stands for "the"? :'''Sam''': That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?! :'''Crow''': ''[dramatic gasp]'' :'''Prune''': I object! :'''Sam''': Objection overruled! :'''Crow''': Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Prune spies on Sam]'' :'''Jonah''': Someday, he'll just send a drone to do this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Suzy's Mother''': But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store! :'''Jonah''': What's next, cherry [[w:phosphate soda|phosphates]]? Women driving cars? A [[John F. Kennedy|Catholic in the White House]]??? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a now reformed Prune runs out into the street]'' :'''Prune''': Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? :'''Jonah [as Prune]''': Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?! :'''Prune''': Why? Why? ''[a passerby walks by]'' Merry Christmas! :'''Passerby''': Please, please sir, you'll catch cold! :''[another passerby walks by]'' :'''Prune''': Merry Christmas! :'''Servo [as Passerby]''': I think you mean "Happy Holidays". <hr width=50%/> :'''Prune''': ''[singing]'' Why can't every day be Christmas? :'''Jonah [as the other person] ''': I don't know! :'''Prune''': Why can't every day be gay? :'''Crow''': That's a loaded question. === [[w:At the Earth's Core (film)|At the Earth's Core]] === :'''Crow''': ''[upon seeing a stream locomotive]'' I wonder if [[w:Shining Time Station|the conductor]] is [[w:Ringo Starr|Ringo Starr]] or [[w:George Carlin|George Carlin]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as David and Dr. Abner explore the strange landscape]'' :'''Dr. Abner Perry''': What an extraordinary sky! :'''David Innes''': What a strange color, Doc. :'''Dr. Abner''': This cannot be the Rhondda Valley. :'''Jonah''': I think it's Tim Burton's backyard. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Abner and David flee from a monster, which is an obvious greenscreen] '' :'''Servo''': We're being charged by a giant monster... movie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Abner''': ''[about a Rhamphorhynchus]'' My goodness, how enormous. Why, the largest remains we ever discovered have never indicated a size much greater than that attained by an ordinary crow! :'''Crow''': ''[offended]'' Ah, that's it. I'm leaving. :''[Jonah pulls him back into his seat]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Being a chivalrous gentleman, David traps his fellow slaves with their captors in a room full of lava. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga''':It is the God-given right of every American woman to become a North Korean dictator on her wedding day! == Season 12: The Gauntlet == === [[w:Mac and Me|Mac and Me]] === :'''Kinga''': From now on, we're dumbing things down. :'''Max''': Yeah. Once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart with our invention exchange, a new pharmaceutical we call, Algernon! :'''Jonah''': I don't know. Anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry can't be very safe. :'''Kinga''': Relax, ex-fiancé! No one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff our drug ''could'' do to you in the advertisement. ''Algernon...'' :'''Synthia''': Hi, I'm Synthia. As a clone I lacked basic intelligence, but that changed when I started taking Algernon. :'''Kinga''': ''Algernon... '' :'''Synthia''': Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on ''the'' market. :'''Max''': Grow your brain with Algernon, dumbasses! :'''Kinga''': ''[speaking rapidly]'' Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship, and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor. Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting. :'''Max''': ''[rapidly speaking]'' Algernon should not be ingested even in jest. For more warnings, see our ad in ''Golf Magazine''. :'''Synthia''': Algernon made me so smart, I realized it was dangerous, and I should stop taking it. :'''Kinga, Max, and Synthia''': ''Algernon!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as security surrounds the building]'' :'''Servo''': Don't worry, if we just put some flashing lights on it, nobody'll notice it's your mom's station wagon. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mac is blown onto the highway and struck by a vehicle]'' :'''Crow''': So now our lovable hero is getting hit by a car. Gotcha. <hr width=50%/> :''[as three of the aliens travel naked and struggling through the desert]'' :'''Jonah''': The [[w:Blue Man Group|Blue Man Group]] as you've never seen them before: brown! :'''Servo [as one of the aliens]''': ''[coughing]'' No, go on and do the movie without me, please... :'''Crow''': They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on guys! :'''Jonah''': This is like if humanity had evolved from ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': Hey, how's it going? :'''Debbie''': ''[wearing stereotypical Native American apparel]'' Shhh! We're communing with the earth spirits. :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': They say this is very insensitive. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric investigates the running shower]'' :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, way to diss the new owners. Leave the shower running, and they get stuck with the water bill. :'''Crow [as Eric]''': Hello? Somebody in here? 'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver! :''[Eric pulls aside the shower curtain, revealing nothing]'' :'''Jonah''': Somebody killed [[w:Janet Leigh|Janet Leigh]]! :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from ''[[w:Howard the Duck (film)|Howard the Duck]]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric opens the front door after Mac reveals himself]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Raven|Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door?]] :''[Eric opens the door and no one is there]'' :'''Jonah''': Huh, [[Edgar Allan Poe|darkness there, and nothing more.]] :'''Crow''': Huh, didn't even have the courtesy to leave a flaming bag of poop. <hr width=50%/> :''[A garbage can rattles]'' :'''Crow''': Remember: When you throw away your [[w:Tickle Me Elmo|Tickle Me Elmo]], you've ''got'' to remove the batteries. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric's wheelchair starts to rush down a hill toward a cliff]'' :'''Crow [as Eric]''': [[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace|Now ''this'' is podracing]]! :'''Debbie''': Eric! :'''Servo''': Chickabee! Tay in the wind! :''[Eric tries to brake, but his brake breaks off]'' :'''Jonah [as Eric]''': Damn you, Roy's Discount Medical Supplies! :''[Eric flies off the cliff, screaming into a lake below]'' :'''Crow''': You know, they went through three Erics making this. :''[Mac watches Eric splash into the water confused]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Great. Now I'm gonna get blamed for this too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': I can't help feeling like I've seen all this before. Single mom, suburban kid, big brother, little girl... :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's ''[[E.T.]]'' :'''Crow''': No, that's not it. You know, they find an alien, he loves junk food— :'''Jonah''': Yeah no, it's from ''E.T.'' :'''Crow''': No, but the alien is separated from its family and just wants to call home— :'''Jonah''': You're thinking of ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': No, but then the alien helps the kid fly— :'''Jonah''': ''E.T.''!!! :'''Crow''': Let me finish! —during a summer camp boxing match. :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''[[w:Meatballs Part II|Meatballs II]]''. :'''Crow''': Now ''that's'' it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as an agent] ''': Tell my wife I died chasing a little boy in a wheelchair! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': ''[wearing sunglasses]'' Eric! :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[cut to a different angle, the sunglasses go missing]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? :'''Mike''': Get ready! :''[the sunglasses are suddenly back on Mike's face]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[Mike is pulling Mac into the van; the sunglasses are gone]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac is riding piggyback on Mike]'' :'''Crow''': ''[imitating [[w:Yoda|Yoda]]]'' [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], 30 years from now, overly possessive fanboys, upset with [[w:Star Wars: The Last Jedi|your character arc]] will be. Hmm, yes. <hr width=50%/> :''[the MACs have wandered into the grocery store, and the mother has knocked over a pile of canned soda]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Jenga! :'''Store Associate''': Hey, what do you think you're doing?! :'''Crow [as a MAC]''' Uh, uh, uhhh... :''[the father MAC walks in front of the associate, holding a watermelon]'' :'''Jonah [as the father MAC]''': I gotta find the John, where do I put this? :''[the associate looks at him, bottom to top]'' :'''Servo [as the father MAC]''': Did you just check me out??? :'''Crow and Jonah [as two bystanders]''': Did he just check him out??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Now this is what ''E.T.'' was missing. A shootout in a grocery store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Oh, I bet this is the part of the movie where Eric's gonna give a big speech about no matter what we look like on the outside, we are all the same, and really, isn't that— ''[the police begin opening fire on the aliens, starting a massive firefight]'' Whoa, okay. Tha— I mean like— oh! NO! NOO! NO STOP! NO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW WE'RE ALL THE SAME! :'''Servo''': What? ''[the cars all explode, causing a massive explosion of the gas store]'' :'''Jonah''': NOOO!!! :'''Crow''': What the hell??? :'''Servo''': Holy gizmos! :'''Jonah''': ''[freaking out]'' NO, WHAT THE F— COME ON!!! This didn't happen in ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': [[Apocalypse Now|I love the smell of napalm in the morning]]! :'''Jonah''': ''[stressed]'' It's supposed to be about how we're all the same in the end and everything's gonna be okay... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': He looks like [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]] with his face torn off. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': That's neither the church ''nor'' the steeple. <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac blows a bubblegum bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Wanna see my spleen? It's pretty cool. :''[Eric pops the bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Ahh! I need that to live! === [[w:Atlantic Rim (film)|Atlantic Rim]] === :'''Crow''' Atlantic Rim? Could you be more [[w:Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Admiral Hadley''': Pretty big step for a radar glitch. Do you have anymore information you wanna tell me? :'''Gypsy''': [[w:The Sixth Sense|Bruce Willis was dead the whole time]], sir. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': Damn, what time is it? :'''Crow''': Time is a social construct, SIR! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Adams''': Who would take down an oil rig? :'''Crow''': [[w:Robert Mueller|Robert Mueller]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': It just disappeared from my sonar, I don't have anything here. Anybody else reading anything? :'''Crow''': ''[as Stone]'' Uh, ''[[w:Lincoln in the Bardo|Lincoln in the Bardo]]''. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Admiral Hadley]'' ''Cash on Cash'' by [[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]. :'''Servo''': ''[as Dr. Margaret Adams]'' [[w:Danielle Steel|Danielle Steel]]. :'''Crow''': ''[as Lt. Wexler]'' I'm into podcasts. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red battles a giant monster]'' :'''Red''': This thing's all over my ass, man! He's gonna tear me up! :'''Crow''': Excuse me? :'''Lt. Jim''': Hey, send someone in there, he's getting killed down there! :''[as the camera shows different characters]'' :'''Servo [as Hadley]''': That thing's all over him. :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Tearing him up. :'''Jonah [as Wexler]''' Especially his ass. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red is being put in the brig]'' :'''Red''': Easy! :'''Crow''': Yeezy? Kanye? I don't know what to call him anymore! Tell me what to call Kanye, please! :'''Servo [as Red]''': Oh, I think I found a way out. I'm gonna get outta here- ''[door is locked]'' Aww man... :'''Red''': Yo, there's people dying! :'''Jonah [as Red]''': And it's actually Beren''stain'' Bears! ''Not Bernstein!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[in a scene with two bomber pilots]'' :'''Jonah''': I kinda just figured we'd get matching helmets, didn't you? :'''Servo''': [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]]??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': That day, eight brave soldiers evacuated Manhattan by word of mouth alone. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as Geise]''': He's gonna hear about this! "@US Navy; my Admiral says 'cappish' instead of 'capiche'. LOL, eyepatch emoji," tweet. :'''Geise''': It's me. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Ya boy. :'''Geise''': We're not getting no play here. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': It's a total sausage fest. :'''Geise''': The Admiral is going to lose New York one way or another. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': He's already misplaced Orlando. :'''Geise''': I think it's time we implement... :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Pause for effect. :'''Geise''': ... the Trojan Horse. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Bum, bum, bum! :'''Geise''': Yes sir. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': I love you. Uh- wai- Why is he always hanging up right when I'm about to say it? <hr width=50%/> :''[as the bots attack the monster]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, lets look at this from the monster's point of view. He's out of his element, an endangered species, probably just looking for food and suddenly, some robots attack him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if anything, he's a poor huddled mass just yearning to breath free. :'''Servo''': We should be welcoming this new sea monster American, and the unique skills he brings with him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah :''[At this point, the monster accidentally destroys the Statue of Liberty, causing Jonah and the bots to freak out]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, hell no! :'''Jonah''': Kill that monster! ''[in chorus with Servo and Crow]'' USA! USA! USA! <hr width=50%/> :''[the monster has been defeated by Red, and everyone is celebrating]'' :'''Servo''': So now they go out for a well deserved night of celebration. :'''Crow''': Which ends with Red once again, in the brig. This time for urinating on the dog of a visiting diplomat. :'''Jonah''': Until another monster emerges for him to battle. :'''Servo''': Which he does, leading to another victory, and another night of drinking. :'''Crow''': And he's back in the brig. :'''Jonah''': And the cycle of Red's life continues. :''[camera pans to the burning remains of the giant robot]'' :'''Servo''': And the movie ends as it began... as a garbage fire. === [[w:Lords of the Deep|Lords of the Deep]] === :'''Stanley''': You're not exactly fired, Barbara. I mean- there is a difference between being fired and being replaced. :'''Crow''': Just ask [[w:Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Submarine shakes violently, with alarms going off]'' :'''Crow''': That's why you always go into the theater when you have Movie Sign. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[as someone dresses into a yellow wetsuit]'' Can't believe I have to dress like a Minion for this stupid kid's birthday party. I went to Juilliard! <hr width=50%/> :''[a yellow submarine rests on the seafloor]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[imitating John Lennon]'' Told you we shouldn't have let Ringo drive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Well, at least he died doing what he loved; yelling at fish. <hr width=50%/> :''[about a shot behind a grate]'' :'''Servo''': You know, Jonah, this shot is not ''grate''. :'''Jonah''': Thanks, Tom. I know you're just ''venting''. You wanna try one, Crow? :'''Crow''': No thanks, I don't think puns are funny. Yet the way they're constructed makes you feel like they should be. :'''Jonah''': I hear ya. :... :''[later, on a shot of a sink]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I got it! Let that ''sink'' in. Yeah, I'm a pun guy! I like myself, and I'm saying puns! <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of Claire seemingly gazing down on the three silhouettes]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, she's looking right at us! :'''Crow''': Yeah! You're freaking us out, lady! Stop it! :'''Servo''': And look at how she's behaving, like ''we're'' the jerks. :'''Jonah''': Yeah! :''[she begins to back away]'' :'''Servo''': No, you back off! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': More like Amelia ''Water''heart! Get it? I'm puntastic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chadwick''': It's like if you... blew 'em apart... :'''Crow''': You know, like, ba-boom? :'''Chadwick''': All those little pieces, in time, would come back together again... :''[Chadwick locks his fingers together]'' :'''Jonah''': Here's the church, here's the steeple... :'''Chadwick''' ''[Locking his fingers together tighter]'': And form one being. :'''Jonah''' Open the doors, Lords of the Deeple. === [[w:The Day Time Ended|The Day Time Ended]] === :'''Jenny''': ''[suddenly appearing in the shot]'' Bye Daddy! :'''Jonah [as Richard]''': Whoops, were you there the whole time, baby? :'''Richard''': You be a good girl for Mommy now, okay? :'''Jenny''': I will, Daddy. :'''Richard''': Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. :'''Crow''': Bargain-bin Mark Hammill's gotta get his make out on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': ''[coming downstairs]'' Hey, Dad. :'''Servo, Jonah, and Crow''': [[w:Cheers|Norm]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Richard''': ''[on the phone]'' Well how long do you think it would take to fix it? :'''Jonah''': A half-hour, sir. It's just a pizza. :'''Richard''' Okay, I'll call back in an hour or so. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': No no- what toppings do you need on the- ''[Richard hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Grant''': What is it? :'''Ana''': The mirror. :'''Grant''': Well, what about it? :'''Ana''': It was broken. :'''Crow [as Grant]''': Damn bikers must have fixed it! <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is left running as Jenny goes to the bathroom]'' :'''Crow''': Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to wait here while she goes tinkle? What's the point? Why? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as Ana]''': ''[as the alien reveals itself to Ana]'' Ugh, gotta stop mixing steak milk and NyQuil... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jenny''': Mommy, I don't wanna go. I like it here. :'''Beth''': Shh, honey, don't talk now... :'''Servo [as Beth]''': Or ever. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Grant enters a smoke-filled basement]'' :'''Jonah [as Grant]''': Boy, are you steaming hams down here again? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a small alien appears in the parents' bedroom]'' :'''Jonah''' [as Mr. Hankey]: Well, ''howdy-ho!'' === [[w:Killer Fish|Killer Fish]] === :'''Max''': ''[pulling out a turkey egg from their time-travel oven]'' Hey! What came first? The cooked turkey or the egg? :'''Kinga''': ''[very annoyed]'' ... Flush them the movie! :'''Max''': No, think about it. If they're watching this on Thanksgiving... or Easter... it would ''blow'' their minds. :'''Kinga''': ...... No. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fisher''': ''[as officers inspect their boat]'' I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week. :'''Officer''': But this time, it's different. :'''Jonah [as Officer]''': It's my birthday. :'''Fisher''': You can say that again. :'''Jonah [as Officer]''': It's my birthday. :'''Fisher''': This time we got the jackpot. :'''Crow [as Fisher]''': We caught us a money shark! Check it out! :'''Fisher''': ''[holding up a catch of fish]'' Eh? :'''Servo''': ''Finding Nemo'' my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family! <hr width=50%/> :'''Luis''': You have got a lot of nerve. Telling a man who has had a heart attack that he's lucky to have stopped working. He's lucky to be alive. :'''Jonah [as Luis]''': He's a miracle! :'''Cavello''': But he looks pretty healthy. :'''Luis''': Must be that lady friend of his. I have a feeling she's ''extremely'' efficacious. ''[snickers]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh. I wonder how they spelled "nyahuhuhuh" in the script. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kate''': ''[as Diller opens a book, only to have it taken away by Kate]'' Ah ah ah, ''much'' too heavy for a man in your delicate condition. :'''Jonah''': Oh man, nothing turns a guy on more than a lady implying he's too delicate to lift a book. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the obese Ollie is pulled into the pool by Robert Lasky]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed! :'''Jonah''': It's especially humiliating because he had ''so much'' dignity in the first place. :'''Ollie''': I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling. :'''Crow [as Ollie]''': Curse this final form! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Will I see many sea anemones? No no, there are no sea anemones to see. But though I don't see baracuda or a school of ahi tuna, I'll still rip off ''Jaws'' one and two and three! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ollie''': ''[during a photoshoot]'' Well, what do you think? :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''[flashing the okay sign]'' It stinks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gabrielle''': Where have you two been? :'''Kate''': In the shower. :'''Jonah [as Gabrielle]''': Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm? :'''Lasky''': ''[playing backgammon]'' I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves. :'''Servo''': Lathering, rinsing, repeating... :'''Paul''': Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage. :'''Lasky''': Maybe I should take a lesson from you. :'''Crow''': In the shower? :'''Gabrielle''': Here, you two play. Go ahead. :'''Jonah''': In the ''shower?'' Tom, you take the next one. :'''Paul''': No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off. :'''Servo''': In the ''SHOWER???'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as a very cheap looking tornado breaks the dam causing a flood]'' :'''Growler [as a tour guide]''': If you look out the left side of the tram, you'll see a twister from the movie ''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''. And there's the flash flood section of the backlot. You might recognize it from ''[[w:Three Amigos|The Three Amigos]]'', and ''[[w:The China Syndrome|The China Syndrome]]''. Hopefully you're wearing your raincoats, because the dam broke. Of course, this is just the magic of special effects, courtesy of three giant pumps that can move 10,000 gallons of water in sixty seconds. This concludes our tour! Hope you enjoyed our new Killer Fish ride at Universal. <hr width=50%/> :'''M Waverly''': ''[as a man gets eaten alive in the water by a swarm of piranhas]'' Who's ready for borscht? I put sour cream in separate containers so you can dollop it out yourselves! :'''Jonah''': Ugh, not now, M Waverly. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': ''[utilizing a model wooden cutout model of the film's characters]'' Okay boys, we need to figure out a way to get them over here, using only this. :'''Servo''': Jonah, are we ''really'' doing an ''[[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' bit? It's 23 years old. :'''Crow''': We don't have time for questions! Irritating lives are on the line! :'''Jonah''': It's like a logic puzzle where you cross a river with a fox, a chicken, and a bag of grain. :'''Servo''': Why not just leave the fox? Is there ''any'' situation where you'd ''need'' a fox? :'''Jonah''': My point is, it's all about the order you do things in! You can't just send Kate and Paul, 'cause they'll just run away with the jewels. :'''Servo''': Hmm, and you can't send Paul with Lasky because they'll just fight. :'''Crow''': Lasky and Gabrielle get along too well. Halfway to shore, spontaneous shower. :'''Jonah''': Exactly. :'''Servo''': And we're not even ready to address the Ollie conundrum. :'''Jonah''': And they can't all fit on the raft, unless... they ''are'' the raft! :'''Servo''': Ohhh! :'''Jonah''': Ann and Gabrielle are the oars! :'''Crow''': Kate's hair is the sail! :'''Servo''': Lasky is the floor, Paul's the steering wheel! :'''Jonah''': Exactly! And Ollie... :''[beat]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, we all knew Ollie wasn't making it out of this. :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Jonah''': Yeah that's a good point... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ollie is swarmed by piranhas]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Ollie bleeds in the water]'' Hey, Kool-Aid! :'''Ann''': Take my hand, Ollie! :'''Ollie''': I can't! :'''Servo [as Ollie]''': Curse this delicious honey-barbecue flavored blood of mine! :... :''[Ollie is killed, and bloody water is all the remains]'' :'''Growler''': Who wants Kool-Aid? Did you guys do that one already? :'''Servo''': Yeah, we did. :'''Growler''': Okay, I'll be right over here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lasky''': You think this blood could buy us enough time to get down to that raft? :'''Paul''': ''[chuckling]'' That's all we've got. Let's try it. :'''Gabrielle''': Hey, you're not really gonna go into that water, are you? :''[an explosion happens]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, sorry! That was me! Left my Stouffer's lasagna in the oven too long. :'''Growler''': Somebody call for a Stouffer's lasagna? :'''Jonah''': No, but thanks, Growler. :'''Growler''': Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go over there, lay this thing across my torso, and pretend I suffered a bear attack. Goodbye. :'''Jonah''': What? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Lasky jumps into piranha-infested waters to catch Paul on the raft, causing the piranhas to attack him]'' :'''Growler''': My brother-in-law took down a 12-point buck last winter, so I made this blood sausage. Anybody want some? :''[Jonah and the bots gag]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, you're disgusting! :'''Servo''': That's just gross! Come on. :'''Crow''': Come on Growler! :'''Growler''': Okay, suit yourself. I'll be over here. <hr width=50%/> :''[as piranhas attack Lasky]'' :'''Crow [as a piranha]''': At this point, I'm just stress-eating! :'''Servo''': Kids, this is what happens if you fall in during the Jungle Cruise at Universal Studios. :'''Jonah''': Why hasn't [[w:David Blaine|David Blaine]] tried this? === [[w:Ator, the Fighting Eagle|Ator, the Fighting Eagle]] === :''[as the credit naming [[w:Miles O'Keeffe|Miles O'Keeffe]] is listed]'' :'''Servo''': Remind me again, how much Keeffe is in this movie? :'''Jonah''': Oh hush. <hr width=50%/> :'''Indun''': You will feel that you've stepped into eternity. :'''Jonah''': I stepped in ''something''. == Season 13: The Gizmoplex == === [[w:Santo en el tesoro de Drácula|Santo in the Treasure of Dracula]] === :'''Kinga Forrester''': For three decades, the Forrester family experiment has resided on a number of platforms. :'''Max''': ''[[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]'', the ''[[w:SyFy|Sci-fi Channel]]'', ''[[w:Netflix|Netflix]]''... :'''Kinga''' But my family thought too small. Why subject our home-grown experiment to the hands of thankless executives... when ''we'' could be the thankless executives??? Introducing, the Kinga-dome! Our premiere theater- :'''Max''': Connected to the Gizmoplex! :'''Kinga''': ... Our ''premiere theater!!!'' ... for all things ''Mystery Science Theater 3000''. A bright and shining beacon to the worst that cinema has to offer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom Servo''': This is actually my favorite ''[[w:Castlevania|Castlevania]]'' sequel. <hr width=50%/> :'''Voiceover''': ''[translating a sign]'' Dr. Cesar Sepulveda, nuclear physicist. :'''Servo''': Thursdays on Telemundo. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah Heston''' ''[about Santo's silver wrestling mask]'' It's like a Hershey Kiss in a suit. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''' Uh-oh, I think this contraption is powered by an Etch-a-Sketch. <hr width=50%/> :'''Professor Van Roth''': How strange. This mirror reflects everything. :'''Jonah''': Yes, it's a mirror. :'''Van Roth''': Except you! :'''Count Dracula''': Bastard! ''[shatters the mirror]'' :'''Servo''': Now you'll have seven years of bad suck- uh luck. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dracula flees after being revealed by Van Roth]'' :'''Jonah [as Dracula]''': You fool, I've been me the whole time! :'''Van Roth''': Mein Gott! ''[proceeds to cross his heart]'' :'''Servo''': Spectacles, testicles... testicles... testicles... <hr width=50%/> :'''Luisa''': That was an awful experience. :'''Santo''': Calm down, it's already over. Get some rest. :'''Crow T. Robot [as Luisa]''': But I've slept most of the movie. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Hey, you got your Spirit Halloween store in my Ed Wood movie. :'''Servo''': No, you got your Ed Wood movie in my Spirit Halloween store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Most of wrestling is just different types of hugs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': So a booming soundtrack as the little girl walks around the house, but silence during a car chase. Okay. === [[w:Robot Wars (film)|Robot Wars]] === :''[as the opening credits lists J. Downing]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': I bet the J stands for "just please don't use my full name". <hr width=50%> :''[as a robot is shown onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': Papa, is that you??? :'''Jonah Heston''': Oh no, hey now Crow, easy. It's not. :... :''[the robot is shown again]'' :'''Crow''': Papa, you wanna have a catch? :'''Jonah''': Hey, it's not your dad, okay? :'''Crow''': Jonah, you're not my REAL dad! <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[after a model tank is destroyed]'' There goes the entire practical effect budget. <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': Rooney, you must have grown up in old California with too much sun. Let me ask you a question. Was your daddy rich and your mama good looking? :'''Rooney''': You're cruising for a court martial, buster boy. :'''Servo [as Drake]''': That's buster ''bro''! <hr width=50%> :'''Rooney''': I hope he gets his balls shot off. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Battlestar Galactica (2003 series)|So say we all]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Stumpy''': You know, we're robot men, Captain. What are we doing out here in a grit and grime where people can blow our ass away? We're supposed to be indestructible! :'''Crow''': You know, like the ''Titanic'', or the seal industry, or Gamestop stocks, or Beanie Babies, or America's love for James Corden! <hr width=50%> :''[during a laser gun fight]'' :'''Crow''': So who are we rooting for? :'''Jonah''': Oh, whoever makes the kill shot that ends the movie. <hr width=50%> :'''GPC''': ''[at the sight of a building labeled "Oasis"]'' Anyway, here's "Wonderwall." <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''' : Stumpy, get out of there, you're a sitting duck! :'''Stumpy''': Just keep that override down!!! :'''Crow''': Yeah, and maximize the wiffle hoofer, and triangular the single framler and coagulate the preflamer!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': And lo, did the white people flee into the desert, soon to create Scottsdale, Arizona. === [[w:Beyond Atlantis (film)|Beyond Atlantis]] === :'''Emily Connor''': Can't believe I'm really on the dark side of the moon. :'''Max''': Well, [[w:The Dark Side of the Moon|as a matter of fact, it's all dark]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': Well, the stimulator bots have already absorbed the behavior of Jonah's bots within seconds. :'''Servo''': And your point? :'''Emily''': That's not gonna be problematic... :'''Crow''': I'll tell you what's problematic, your soul's gonna get crushed within seconds! :'''Emily''': I'm used to it, I'm on Twitter. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': My friend, [[w:Ja Rule|Ja Rule]] told me that [[w:Fyre Festival|Fyre Fest]] would be here. <hr width=50%> :''[as a woman stands on East Eddie during his massage]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, she can finally clean that fan. :'''East Eddie''': Feast your eyes on this. :'''Servo''': Anything to take our eyes off of that. :'''Logan''': That's a Tuscarora! :'''Crow''': No, that's a pearl. :'''Logan''': It's worth a thousand pesos, maybe more. Where'd you get it? :'''Emily''': From a wet scared guy. :'''East Eddie''': Can you fence it? :'''Logan''': Fence? Hell, it'll go like wildfire! These are rare, I haven't seen one in years. :'''East Eddie''': There's a lot more where that came from. :'''Servo''': I got a guy shoving sand into oysters as we speak. :'''East Eddie''': I'll supply, you deal, we'll split down the middle. :'''Crow''': Splitting it? That's almost like half! :'''Logan''': ''[shaking East Eddie's hand]'' Put 'er there, pard! :'''Emily''': You got it, 'ner! <hr width=50%> :'''Logan''': Eddie, you got money, and I'm a diver. Now all we need's a boat and some good equipment. You can pick 'em up for a song. Just give me a small advance, I can have us moving in a couple of days. :'''Emily''': Uh, is she washing him with a chicken cutlet? :'''East Eddie''': Listen, I know where you're coming from, and the idea's out of sight, but I want Vic Mathias in on this. He's an expert diver, he has his own boat, and he knows the islands like the back of his hand. :'''Logan''': It's no good, it won't work. If we bring him in, we've got to make it a three-way scene. :'''East Eddie''': So we'll split it three ways! :'''Emily [as Logan]''': Ugh, but we're a dynamic duo, not a terrific trio! :'''Logan''': No, we don't need him! :'''East Eddie''': I want him! He'll keep us honest. :'''Crow [as East Eddie]''': What are we, crooks? :'''Logan''': Eddie, believe me, I know the region better than Mathias. I lived on the islands for five years, I've covered every inch of 'em. We can do it alone! Just tell me where you found them. It's probably an island I used to live on. :''[East Eddie laughs hard]'' :'''Servo [as East Eddie]''': ''[hysterical]'' You can't live on an ''island''! It's surrounded by ''WATER''! How would you even get there??? HA HA HA!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Servo [as Logan]''': Wait a minute, how am I sitting across from me? <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': ''[when an armed guard does nothing in regards to a nearby fight]'' Really low AI on the NPCs in this game. <hr width=50%> :'''East Eddie''': I'm speaking to him in a dialect he can't refuse to understand! :'''Emily''': Esperanto. :'''East Eddie''': The truth! :'''Crow''': Is East Eddie the bad guy??? :'''East Eddie''': And you talk to me in English! :'''Servo''': That's why American tourists are beloved the world over. <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': I guess we hosts have to stick together. :'''Jonah''': Actually, historically we hosts have never stuck together. Kind of a host-eat-host world. :'''Emily''': Oh really? 'Cause maybe working together you'd have been able to escape. I mean, how'd you do 20 of these experiments and never try outsmarting the Mads? I mean, I hate to use strong language but... they seem kind of dumb. :'''Jonah''': Yes, yes yes yes yes, good point! Perhaps with the proper cooperation, this forced vacation can be brought to a cessation! :'''Emily''': Huh? Why are you talking in rhymes all of a sudden? :'''Jonah''': I will tell you later why I speak in rhyme, but unfortunately now, you've got- :''[buzzer sounds]'' :'''Emily''': MOVIE SIGN! <hr width=50%> :'''Nereus''': Only hurt and destruction can come from the feelings within you. It is your destiny to mate with an outsider, not to love him. :'''Crow''': Island Tinder. <hr width=50%> :'''Vic Mathias''': ''[to Syrene]'' I don't love you. :'''Emily [as Syrene]''': Okay, Syrene, play it cool. Don't let him know he's hurt you... :''[Syrene runs out of the hut]'' :'''Crow''': She really runs like a mermaid. :''[Mathias slowly exits his hut to watch her run off]'' :'''Servo [as Mathias]''': [[w: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory|Wait. Stop. Come back]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Syrene''': There is still another place. :'''Emily''': Where the watermelons grow? :'''Logan''': You've been holding out. :'''Syrene''': It's very deep. :'''Logan''': Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, right? :'''Syrene''': According to the lore of my people, the Rizion Channel has hundreds upon hundreds of pearls. :'''Crow''': Boring mythology, but okay. :'''Logan''': You've seen them? :'''Syrene''': No, but others in my village have. :'''Emily [as Syrene]''': And the fish down there? ''Totally'' naked. :'''Logan''': What are we waiting for? :'''Servo [as Syrene]''': You mean, "For what are we waiting?" :'''Syrene''': It's very dangerous. :'''Logan''' You only live once. :'''Emily''': Logan invented YOLO? Take that, Drake. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': This movie is just a series of nice landscapes ruined by weird people. <hr width=50%> :''[as the villagers carry Syrene's casket boat into the ocean]'' :'''Emily''': To be fair, this movie makes me want to walk into the ocean, too. :... :'''Emily''': I don't think some of these extras were prepared for how deep this was gonna get. :'''Servo''': No one was. :'''Crow''': Ariel's burial. === [[w:Munchie|Munchie]] === :''[as Gage begins daydreaming about an awards ceremony in class]'' :'''Jonah''': Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Fracties! The night where fractions come out to shine. :'''Male Announcer''': It's my honor to read the name of the student whom you have chosen as your next student body president. ''[is given an envelope]'' Envelope please, thank you. ''[gives it to the woman next to him]'' :'''Crow [as the announcer]''': I can't read. :'''Female Announcer''': And the winner is... :'''GPC''': [[w:La La Land|La La Land]]! [[w:List of accolades received by La La Land|Oh, not again]]... :'''Female Announcer''': Gage Dobson! :''[the students cheer and applaud]'' :'''Servo [as voiceover announcer]''': This is Gage Dobson's first win after being nominated for such daydreams as ''What If I Were a Robot With a Sword For an Arm?'' and ''Naked Book Report II''. :''[as Gage accepts a trophy]'' :'''Jonah''': Okay, and cue the [[w:Carrie (1976 film)|bucket of pigs blood]]. :''[Mrs. Blaylok suddenly appears by Gage]'' :'''Crow [as Blaylok/[[w:Kanye West|Kanye West]]]''': [[w:2009 MTV Video Music Awards|I'mma let you finish...]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Blaylok''': The problem on the board, how can we arrive at a sum? :'''Jonah''': [[w:All Star (song)|BODY once told me the world is gonna Munchie]]! <hr width=50%> :'''Gage Dobson''': Do you think you'll ever get this Jeep running? :'''Professor Cruikshank''': This bucket of bolts? Of course I will! Then I'll have to think of something to do with these hands. :'''Crow''': Don't, you'll go blind! <hr width=50%> :'''Dobson''': Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight? :'''Munchie''': Pal, any place is an improvement over that box. Actually, I was sort of hoping I could bunk down with you. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Ew. :'''Dobson''': You're gonna have to make your own bed though. :'''Munchie''': Don't worry about me, Pal. Hammer, nails, I come prepared. :'''Jonah''': [[w: Pontius Pilate| Pontius Pilate]] sends his regards. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Munchie sits at a computer, and the puppet clumsily types on the keyboard]'' :'''Munchie''': Okay, let's go. Let's see what kind of grades this kid's got. :'''Jonah''': He just spelled "jkfghfgl." <hr width=50%> :'''Leon Daggett''': ''[dazed]'' I... am gonna kill... you. :'''Crow [as Leon]''': Once... I deal... with this brain hem...o...rrhage. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Gage punches Leon out cold into a laundry cart]'' :'''Servo [as Gage]''': Violence ''is'' the answer! :''[shot of Leon in a dazed state as the laundry cart rolls into the showers]'' :'''Jonah''': Wasn't football gonna do that anyway? I mean... :'''Servo [as Gage]''': You just got en-Gaged! No wait, that's not it... something with Gage. :''[several other classmates cheer for Gage]'' :'''Jonah''': Gage's understudies. :'''Gym Teacher''': Alright, break it up. Head for class. Gage, we gotta talk! :'''Crow [as Gym Teacher]''': You're guilty of manslaughter, bud! <hr width=50%> :'''Elliot''': This is the most important thing I've ever asked anyone in my life. :'''Crow [as Elliot]''': Can you get me out of this movie? <hr width=50%> :'''Munchie''': Gage, you should never ask for anything unless you really want it. :'''Dobson''': I know. :'''Crow''': Is that what the puppet team said to the concept artist for this movie? <hr width=50%> :'''Cathy''': ''[interrupting the party]'' Gaaage! :'''Servo''': [[w:Garfield|Garfield!]] :'''Jonah''': [[w: Dennis the Menace (U.S. comics|Dennis!]] :'''Crow''': [[Malcolm in the Middle|Malcolm!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks|ALLLVIIIN!!!]] <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': It's comforting to see Munchie in a body bag. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the faces of the characters show during the closing credits]'' :'''Jonah''': Cathy was sentenced to twelve years in prison for fraudulent catering charges on Elliot's missing credit card. :'''Crow''': Elliot died on the prison farm and was vivisected by the other inmates. No charges have been filed. :'''Servo''': Professor Crookshank was arrested for hijacking and held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. He does not expect a trial. :''[as Gage is shown]'' :'''Jonah''': Hang on, main character, but fourth billed? Ouch. === [[w:Doctor Mordrid|Doctor Mordrid]] === :'''Emily''': ''[during a long panning shot of Mordrid's room during the title sequence]'' I think the camera operator might just be lost. <hr width=50%> :''[during an establishing shot of [[w:Rio de Janiro| Rio de Janiro]] and the [[w: Christ the Redeemer (statue)|Christ the Redeemer statue]]]'' :'''Crow''' For God so loved the world ''thiiis'' much. <hr width=50%> :'''Kabal''': ''[pouring out a thick liquid onto the ground]'' Beyond the barrier of heaven and earth, let it go free into a closed dwelling. May it cause it to enter. :'''Emily''': The world has never seen such evil caramel. :'''Kabal''': Primum materialis... :'''GPC 2''': Lorem ipsum! :'''Kabal''': Release this blood of the earth. May it find its place with the philosopher's stone. :'''Emily''' Now in America, that's [[w:Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone|sorcerer's stone]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Samantha Hunt''': Oh listen, I was curious about- :''[Dr. Mordrid uses his medallion to freeze time and vanish]'' :'''Servo''': Dr. Mordrid, sorcerer supreme, uses his incredible powers to escape awkward small talk. <hr width=50%> :''[Mordrid opens a chest and begins browsing through scrolls]'' :'''Servo [as Mordrid]''' Let's see, [[w:Dead Sea Scrolls|Dead Sea Scrolls]], exalted scrolls, [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]], yes! <hr width=50%> :''[Samantha tries to open Mordrid's door, only to be burned by the doorknob]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring|One does not simply walk into Mordrid's]]. <hr width=50%> :''[during an interrogation]'' :'''Mordrid''': I have to tell you something. :'''Emily [as Mordrid]''': I'm pregnant. :'''Mordrid''': ''Show'' you something, so that you'll comprehend the magnitude of why I cannot be held here any longer. :'''Servo [as Mordrid]''': Through the medium of dance. :'''Samantha''': Everything we say is being recorded. :'''Emily [as Samantha]''': We're live on [[w:Twitch (service)|Twitch]]. Thanks to Donkey Dan for the three month sub. <hr width=50%> :'''Adrian''': Oh look dude, the master protects me from your puny weapons! You ain't got- ''[Gaudio shoots him in the leg]'' :'''Emily [as Adrian]''': My jelly pants! :'''Adrian''': IT HURTS! :'''Gaudio''': Call him an ambulance. :'''Crow [as police officer]''': You're an ambulance, sir. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': I can't believe ''Dr. Mordrid'' was a Christmas movie the whole time! :'''Emily''': Well, okay, but it wasn't though. :'''Servo''': But there was a Christmas tree in it. :'''Emily''': Well a Christmas tree doesn't make it a Christmas movie. ''101 Dalmatians'' has a Christmas tree in it. :'''Crow''': Well, what if it takes place on Christmas, ''and'' has a Christmas tree in it? :'''Servo''': Like ''Die Hard''. :'''Emily''': Okay, it doesn't matter. Look at the release date. ''Die Hard'' came out July 15th, 1988. It's a summer blockbuster, not a Christmas movie. :'''Servo''': How do you know when ''Die Hard'' came out? :'''Emily''': I have this discussion a lot. :'''Crow''': So if it came out at any point other than the Christmas season, it's not a Christmas movie? :'''Emily''': That's right. :'''Servo''': What about ''Nightmare Before Christmas''? :'''Emily''': Well, released October 13th, obviously a Halloween movie. :'''Crow''': ''Elf''? :'''Emily''': Well, released November 7th, an early Thanksgiving parable about found families and sugar consumption. :'''Servo''': ''It's a Wonderful Life''? :'''Emily''': While, actually released on January 7th, it's a New Year's morality play about the evils of forgetfulness. :'''Servo''': So according to Newton's third law of motion, ''any'' movie that comes out in the Christmas season is a Christmas movie? :'''Emily''': Me and Newton are on the same page there. :'''Crow''': Then ''Titanic'' is a Christmas movie! :'''Emily''': Yep. And I'll die on this hill, and if the hill comes out in late December, I'll call it a Christmas hill. === [[w:Demon Squad|Demon Squad]] === :'''Joel''': Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't seen you in several millenia. How's the mad biz treating you? :'''Dr. Erhardt''': Oh, you know, Joel. It ebbs and flows. More of a hobby at this point. :'''Joel''': I gotcha. Really glad to hear your voice caught up with you too. That shrill nagging tone you always had was really grating on the ears. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[shrill-voiced]'' It's a hormonal disorder, you little piece of sh- :'''Kinga''': GENTLEMEN! <hr width=50%> :'''Bonsey''': Wait... who was that guy again? :'''Ardy''': I'll tell you later. Movie in the hole! <hr width=50%> :'''Daisy O'Reilly''': ...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time. :'''Nick Moon''': Those things still cost money, right? :'''Daisy''': Thing's older than I am. :'''Nick Moon''': Still works harder. :'''Crow''': Says the drunk guy. :'''Daisy''': As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I ''thought'' I was hired for. :'''Servo [as Nick Noon]''': Well I ''thought'' I needed a jaded barista. :'''Nick Moon''': We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you. :'''Daisy''': It helped that I was the only applicant. :'''Joel''': Ooh, another LinkedIn success story. <hr width=50%> :'''Nick Moon''': Now what can I do for you miss... :'''Delilah Fontaine''': Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine. :'''Nick Moon''': Miss Fontaine. :'''Delilah''': Call me Lilah. :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': So, Karen... :'''Joel [as Nick Moon]''': Leslie... :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Sandy... :'''Nick Moon''': Any relation to Charles Fontaine? :'''Delilah''': He's my father. :'''Nick Moon''': Let me stop you there. :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': Tony. :'''Nick Moon''': I don't do missing persons. :'''Delilah''': I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest. :'''Nick Moon''': Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check. :'''Joel [as Nick Moon]''': Because Nick don't do math. <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': You really don't have to do this, Nick. I can get a hotel room. :'''Nick Moon''': I do this for all my clients. :'''Servo [as Delilah]''': Yes, I see them under your bed. :'''Nick Moon''': Well, you know. All my attractive, single clients. :'''Crow [as Delilah]''': Oh, I get it. You're a pig! <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': What are you going to do? :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': I just ate 14 dumplings. What do ''you'' think? <hr width=50%> :''[during an interrogation of a vampire]'' :'''Nick Moon''': What's The Stranger planning? :'''Joel''': ''Stranger Things''? :'''Vampire''': Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination. :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Hmmm... dragons. :'''Vampire''': That's all I know. Now can I go? :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': Sure, do you need your parking validated? <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': ''[after Nick startles her]'' I'm starting to see why you're single. :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Pretty cool, huh? :'''Nick Moon''': ''[surprised]'' ... Wow. :'''Servo''': Yeah, a real, live woman. :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': Pretty niiice! === [[w:Gamera vs. Jiger|Gamera vs. Jiger]] === :'''Ardy''': Gamera? I could really go for some turtle meat. <hr width=50%/> :''[during the opening credits montage]'' :'''Servo''': I guess we're watching Gamera's acting reel now? :'''Crow''': Has Gamera been in other movies? :'''Jonah''': Oh yeah, Gamera's been in a lot of movies. ''[[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]]'', ''[[w:Gamera vs. Gyaos|Gamera vs. Gyaos]]'', ''[[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]]'', ''[[w:The Bridges of Madison County (film)|Gamera vs. The Bridges of Madison County]]'', and ''[[w:Kramer vs. Kramer|Gamera vs. Kramer vs. Kramer]]''. :'''Crow''': Wow, I didn't realize that Gamera was such a versatile performer. :'''Jonah''': Oh, totally. :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's like the Meryl Streep of giant turtle actors. He's not afraid to do intimate character work. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's what I like about him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiroshi''': ''[about a miniature submarine]'' Will it really dive, or is this model a toy? :'''Hiroshi's Father''': No, it's a real miniature submarine. But the trouble is, it's too real, and goes too far down. :'''Servo [as Hiroshi's Father]:''' Like my serotonin. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Gamera is like the original fidget spinner. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jiger shoots Gamera with darts]'' :'''Crow''': Jiger's all like, "Why don't we put a pin in this?" :''[Jiger charges Gamera and rams him]'' :'''Jonah''': [[w:Pokemon|Jiger uses dash! It's super effective]]! <hr width=50%/> :''[a ship's doctor takes a drink of liquor]'' :'''Servo''': Second opinion from Dr. Jim Bean. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the statue is unloaded]'' :'''Hiroshi''': They'll unload it. :'''Susan''': ''[in a heavy hard to understand accent]'' These men should teach you a lesson. They're not afraid if some old curse gets them. :'''Crow''': If anyone needs subtitles in this movie, it's ''her''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Let's call this monster [[w:Axl Rose|Axl Rose]], because he's got an [[w: Appetite for Destruction|appetite for destruction]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Gamera theme plays]'' :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera flies like a plane! He likes pleasure mixed with pain! Never kink shame Gamera! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gamera is wounded and beaten by Jiger, and Gamera slowly retreats]'' :'''Crow [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' It's not just my arm that is bleeding / It's part of my neck meat as well / But it's mainly my ego that's bleeding / Why must I come out of my shell? :'''Jonah [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Sure, everyone knows me as Gamera / The turtle the kids all adore / But if I get stabbed by a Jiger / Will they even like me anymore? :'''Servo [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' For the love of the children is fickle / You have it, then it disappears / They'll love you, and leave you tomorrow / As soon as the city smoke disappears. :'''Crow [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' You'd say Gamera, sure he's got everything / The power, flight, looks, and fame / Then into town swims Kaiju come lately / They don't even remember my name. :'''Jonah [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Gamera's the friend of all children / Of that, the whole world can agree / Oh Gamera's friends with the children / But who gives their friendship to me? :'''Servo [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Sure, I've been singing a long time / I'm a ham with a long way to go / Because after all, I'm a turtle / And turtles do everything slow. :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' And turtles do everything slooow... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hiroshi and Tommy navigate the miniature submarine through Gamera's lungs]'' :'''Jonah''': This is the most stressful game of Operation ever played. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hiroshi and Tommy venture out into Gamera's lung]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Pure Imagination|Come with me, and you'll see, a world of turtle respiration! Steal your dad's submarine, and attempt resuscitation.]] :'''Hiroshi''': Tommy, I think this is it over here. Dr. Matsui, there's a small hole in his side. :'''Dr. Matsui''': A hole? Be very careful. :'''Servo''': [[#Eegah|Watch out for snakes]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Gamera theme plays and Gamera flies off with Jiger's dead body]'' :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera take the body home! Gonna eat the flesh from bone! Keto diet Gamera! :'''Crow''': Oh weird, they're being trailed by cans and a banner that says "Just married". :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera's a movie that has no end in sight! No going home! This is now your life! === The Batwoman === :''[as the Batwoman rides a horse through a Mexican village to a jazz melody]'' :'''Emily''': Wow, Gotham got hit hard by the recession. :'''Crow''': Spaghetti westerns only wish they were Sultry Jazz Westerns. <hr width=50%/> :''[as reporters crowd Batwoman]'' :'''Emily''': Batwoman, when will you release your tax returns? :'''Servo''': Batwoman, what's your position on pants? :'''Crow''': Is it true the [[w:Zack Snyder's Justice League|Snyder Cut]] of ''Batwoman'' has 25% more spearfishing? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Eric Williams''': You're about to witness the discovery of the century! :'''Servo [as Williams]''': Stock footage! :'''Dr. Williams''': From the depths of the ocean, over 400 million years ago, surfaced the beginnings of the human race! :'''Emily''': Is this a Scientology pitch? :'''Dr. Williams''': And it all began with the first vertebrate, the fish! Starting from that point, we will make the regress into the dawn of evolution. :'''Crow''': Oh, edibles are hitting. :'''Dr. Williams''': And we will create a new being with the likeness of our ancestors: a human amphibious hybrid! ''[laughs maniacally]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, now I hate when comedians laugh at their own jokes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Well, Danny Elfman lost his job to an alarm clock. <hr width=50%/> :'''Henchman''': ''[bringing Batwoman to Dr. Williams]'' Boss, look who we found! Get in here! :''[Batwoman begins to fight the henchmen]'' :'''Crow''': Pow! :'''Servo''': Biff! :''[Dr. Williams grabs a scalpel and moves for Batwoman]'' :'''Emily''': Grab! :'''Crow''': Lunge! :''[Batwoman grabs a beaker of acid and throws it in Dr. Williams' face]'' :'''Servo''': Acid! <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''Batwoman'', the movie that dares to say, "We rented an underwater camera, and we're going to get every last peso out of it!" <hr width=50%/> :''[a car pulls out as a drum set plays the start of some upbeat music]'' :'''Servo''': I do ''not'' like the sound of that transmission. <hr width=50%/> :''[during a car chase scene involving henchmen and Batwoman]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the chase music]'' Baaatwoman swerves. Baaatwoman drives. With Baaatwoman nerve, Baaatwoman jives! :'''Emily''': See, this is why you've got to have a dashcam. :''[Batwoman honks her horn at the henchmen]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, yeah. Honk your horn. That'll show 'em. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Batwoman swims through a school of fish]'' :'''Emily''': I'm pretty sure she was in [[w:The Aquabats|the Aquabats]]. :'''Servo''': Well, she's in [[w:Phish|Phish]] now. :'''Crow''': Clearly. <hr width=50%/> :''[Batwoman is chased into an underwater patch of kelp]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Help! (song)|Kelp! I need somebody...]] :'''Emily''': Please no. Please no. :'''Servo''': [[w:With a Little Help from My Friends|I get by with a little kelp from my friends...]] :'''Crow''': No no no, you really shouldn't. :'''Servo''': Sorry. I can't kelp myself. :'''Crow and Emily''': Uuugh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Williams''': It'll be interesting to see if a woman can survive this kind of surgery and restore her pineal fluids without dying. Up to date, no man has been able to, but maybe the female gender is actually the most adequate to carry out this experiment for biological reasons. :'''Mario''': You're insane, doctor! :'''Dr. Williams''': You may be right, but as a matter of fact, there's an invisible line separating insanity and genius! :'''Servo''': The [[w:Kanye West|Kanye]] line. === [[w:The Million Eyes of Sumuru|The Million Eyes of Sumuru]] === :'''Bonsey''': Oh, this one sounds familiar. :'''Ardy''': Shhhh... <hr width=50%/> :''[a bridge explodes as a funeral parade passes over it]'' :'''Crow''': It's a boy! :'''Jonah''': Yay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as spy]''': ''[as a female spy takes off her sunglasses and looks into the camera]'' Hello viewer, there were five mistakes in that scene. Can ''you'' name them all? <hr width=50%/> :'''Medika''': ''[being wheeled away by a group of women]'' Mr. West! :'''Nick West''': Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow [as a nurse]''': But we have to surgery. :''[Nick runs to the group of women as they turn to him with medical tools]'' :'''Jonah [as a nurse]''': Feet in the stirrups, come on buddy. :'''Nick West''': Look ladies. My blue cross is all paid up. :''[a nun sneaks behind him and incapacitates him]'' :'''Servo [as nun]''': Sorry, but this is out of network. :'''Jonah [as nun]''': And then there were nun! ''[the nun slowly looks into the camera with an evil smile]'' Ha. Get it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[dressed as Sir Anthony]'' Well old chaps, let's go over this bally mission one last time, what what? :'''Jonah''': Huh? :'''Crow''': ''[dressed as Medika]'' It's simple. HMG and the CIA need you to get the VIP from the USA in his BMW to the HMV near the BBC with his DB at an ETA of 9:00 AM GMT. :'''Jonah''': Huh? :'''Crow''': Greenwich Mean Time! :'''Servo''': Jolly good, and I've arranged for the VP of HMV to arrive in a GMC supplied by MI5 ASAP with a 4k HDTV tuned to HGTV with a soundtrack by the Bee Gees. :'''Jonah''': Huh?! :'''Crow''': Pay attention! This all has to go like clockwork! :'''Servo''': Yes yes, the CW. So anyway, FYI... :'''Jonah''': Oh, I know that one! For your information. :'''Crow''': Don't be ridiculous! That's Federal Yellowdress Informant. She'll meet the BMW at the UN with the USMC, BTO, CCR, and UB40 while you ROTFL on AOL, then BRB so we can TTYL. :'''Jonah''': Talk to you later. :'''Crow''': Correct! :'''Jonah''': Ah! Then why'd you- oh you... :'''Servo''': Precisely. Oklahoma University. So you see, the MC5 will approach the NSA VIP with their new CD on the QT, in the MI5 BMW at the VW and OMG, IRL, IMO, BTW, LOL, BRB. ABC NBC CBS AMC TNT CMA GMO ASPCA UCLA YMCA ICUP, OK? :'''Crow''': Yeah, what do you say to that? :'''Jonah''': Uh, OWGMS. :'''Crow and Servo''': Huh? :''[movie sign sounds]'' :'''Jonah''' Oh, we got movie sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[Sumuru is handed a gun]'' :'''Nick West''': What's that thing? :'''Servo [as Sumuru]''': It's for mommy's headaches. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Frankie Avalon's hair comes courtesy of Build-A-Bear Workshop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sumuru''': Erno, are his clothes packed? :'''Erno''': Yes, my lady. :'''Nick West''': Oh dear, I hope you were careful with that blue suit. It creases so. :'''Crow [as Sumuru]''': Burn the suit. :'''Sumuru''': And take care of his bill. :'''Nick West''': Yes, I wouldn't like to have an unpaid hotel bill on my conscience. :'''Sumuru''': Keep joking, Mr. West. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Sumuru''': You will be finished with jokes before the night is out. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Us too. :'''Nick West''': I was beginning to run out of material anyway. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Agreed. <hr width=50%/> :''[Helga undresses behind a curtain as a shirtless Tommy Carter sits with his back to it]'' :'''Crow [as Frankie Avalon]''': I don't get it. Why aren't I making out right now? I'm Frankie Avalon! Is the universe playing a joke on me? :... :''[Helga comes out from behind the curtain, wrapped in a towel]'' :'''Crow''': Sham-wow! :'''Tommy Carter''': Well, what'd you have in mind? :'''Helga''': Well, to prove to you I have no concealed weapons... ''[reveals herself to Tommy Carter, who smiles]'' :'''Servo [as Frankie Avalon]''': It's about damn time. I'm Frankie Avalon! :''[Tommy Carter drops his pistol]'' :'''Jonah''': Bang! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Sumuru whips Nick West in a dungeon]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, if there are any kids watching, it's past your bedtimes. === [[w:H. G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come|H.G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come]] === :''[a robot presses a big red "cancel" button]'' :'''Emily''': Meanwhile, at ''Netflix''... <hr width=50%/> :''[shot of a computer screen giving various readings]'' :'''Servo [as an officer]''': It's called Twitter. It's gonna be ''great'' for the discourse. <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. John Caball dons a silver radiation suit]'' :'''Servo''': Chernobyl for a prom theme. What were they thinking? :'''Crow [as Dr. Caball]''': Alright, you're gonna wanna cook me at 350 degrees for about 70 minutes, you'll know when I'm done when a fork easily pierces my skin. Load me up with butter and don't skimp on the chives. I'm a potato. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Caball gazes out into space]'' :'''Dr. Caball''': Well, we're on our way. Out there is the vastness of space... the unknown... :'''Crow''': [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|It's only a model.]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Kim Smedley''': Funny, I still think of myself as an Earth child. :'''Servo''': Emily, do you still think of yourself as an Earth child? :'''Emily''': Oh, I don't know. Ask me after I've been here for seven years. :'''Crow''': Uh, no human has ever lived here that long. Just ask the other guys. :'''Emily''': Wait, what? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sparks''': ''[to Jason Caball]'' Let me lead the way. :'''Emily''': Aw, that's sweet. Would you guys ever escort me into a dangerous unknown situation? :'''Servo''': Uh, I'd walk with you so I could better criticize your choices. :'''Crow''': I'd let you walk in front of me so you could shield me from the worst of the shrapnel. :'''Servo''': And I'd definitely film the whole thing for [[w:WorldStarHipHop|WorldStarHipHop]]. :'''Crow and Servo''': WorldStar! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emily''': Hey, what would you call an almost perfect ripoff of the [[w:USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)|USS ''Enterprise'']]? :'''Servo''': The USS Compromise. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Omus tortures Dr. Caball with high pitched sound, causing him to scream and spasm]'' :'''Emily''': You know, I do the same thing when I can't get [[w:Baby Shark|"Baby Shark"]] out of my head either. === [[w:The Mask (1961 film)|The Mask]] === :'''Max''': Good evening, Jonah. Prepare yourselves for a night of thrills, chills, and since I'm making soup, very likely spills. :'''Kinga''': Max, I told you to get Growler and M. Waverly to clear away those cobwebs! The Gizmoplex looks like the inside of Charles Addams' coffin. :'''Max''': I just thought, because it's Halloween and all- :'''Kinga''': You thought you'd be lazier than usual? Clean it up! :'''Max''': Fine, but if the Great Pumpkin doesn't show up, I'm blaming you. :'''Kinga''': Uh, there is no Great Pumpkin. Haven't you ever seen the end of [[w:It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown|the special]]? :'''Max''': I never get that far, because it's too scary! <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Warner Brothers logo appears]'' :'''Jonah''': Warner Brothers? Are we in the right theater? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Moran''': I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins of crumbling tombs and masks hanging in exotic temples to ward off evil spirits. :'''Jonah [as Jim Moran]''': And goofy ghosts. :'''Jim Moran''': ''[beckons to a decorated skull shaped mask]'' But nowhere, in all my travels, have I seen anything to compare to the power of this mask... :'''Crow''': The [[w:Misfits (band)|Misfits]] logo! :'''Jim Moran''': ... and the horrible curse it bears. This is the mask in which our story revolves, and I can tell you that even though I'm not superstitious, I wouldn't put it on for all the wealth of the Indies. :'''Jonah [as Jim Moran]''': Or a Klondike bar. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Allan Barnes''': Exactly what is this mask? :'''Michael Radin''': ''[under duress]'' The mask is to blame. You're just not aware of its power. :'''GPC [as Michael]''': It's toxic mask-ulinity. <hr width=50%/> :''[dramatic chord as Michael commits suicide offscreen, and a Chinese themed bobblehead shakes its head]'' :'''Jonah''': For a bobblehead, you're really judgemental. And racist. :'''Crow [as bobblehead]''': Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye... :''[Mrs. Kelly knocks on the door]'' :'''Servo [as Mrs. Kelly]''': Michael? I heard low brass. Did something ominous just happen, Michael? ''[Mrs. Kelly opens the door]'' Michael where are- oh! ''[Mrs. Kelly screams in horror]'' :''[a shot of Michael's body under a cover, his hands in a rigid form]'' :'''Jonah''': He died doing what he loved: jazz hands. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Barnes puts the mask on, and enters a hellish demonic trance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Magic Carpet Ride (Steppenwolf song)|You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride!]] :'''Crow''': Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum? :''[shot of a skull with its eyes]'' :'''Servo''': Ack ack! Ack ack ack! :''[the skull dissolves leaving only the eyes, which zoom forward past the screen repeatedly]'' :'''Jonah''': Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': Allan, I want you to get help from someone. Someone you can trust. :'''Crow [as Pam]''': Like Jake, from Statefarm. :'''Dr. Barnes''': Trust? There's no one I can trust. :'''Servo [as Dr. Barnes]''': Not even Flo from Progressive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': This movie is like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, seen through the migraine-inducing idea of 3D glasses. <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. Barnes takes off the mask]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for using Mask. Be sure not to operate heavy machinery after applying mask. :'''Servo''': Do not combine Mask with alcohol or other masks. :'''Jonah''': Mask is not responsible for any car chases or murders the operator commits. :'''Crow''': Side-effects include greasy face and crunchy pants. Ask your doctor about Mask today. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': Do you have to take the drug again, Allan? Is it like an addiction that builds until every pore of your body craves for it? Breathes for it? Is that what you feel, Allan? :''[Dr. Barnes covers his ears and leans against a bookshelf]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Barnes]''': I can't hear you! I'm a book now! :'''Pam Albright''': The need to satisfy the beast that's eating into you? :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Snickers|There's a hunger inside you...]] :'''Pam Albright''': And when you put it on again, what will it be like? :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Won't go away... :'''Pam Albright''': Like a shot, a jolt, a charge that cools your burning body? :'''Crow''': It's grease lightning! :'''Pam Albright''': Will it lift you up and carry you along until you're ready to be plunged down again? Deeper, deeper, each time deeper until you die?! :'''Dr. Barnes''': Shut up, SHUT UP! :'''Servo [as Dr. Barnes]''': You're killing me with this Word Jazz! :'''Pam Albright''': Tell me I'm not right. :'''Jonah [as Hank Hill]''': [[w:King of the Hill|That Pam ain't right.]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': ''[on the phone]'' Police department, please. :'''Servo [as Pam]''': Yes, I'm white. === [[w:The Bubble (1966 film)|The Bubble]] === :'''Kinga''': Your experiment today, Joel, may possibly be one of the worst films we've ever presented. Sorry, not sorry. :'''Joel''': Hey, how bad could it be? I had to riff ''Manos''. :'''Kinga''': Ardy? :'''Ardy''': Oh, this movie's upsetting on a profound existential level. I'd advise you to put a disclaimer on it ASAP if you're still intending to use it as part of the experiment. :'''Kinga''': So on a scale from ''Mitchell'' to ''Monsters-a-Go-Go'', where would you say this lands? :'''Ardy''': Ah, well let me put it this way. We built the whole Kingachrome system around ''Manos: The Hands of Fate'' and even that didn't have the effect this movie's having on our facility. This may just be the wolf mother of all bad movies. :'''Kinga''': You think you're so smart, Robinson. "I had to watch ''Manos''. Da da da da da-" HA! Face the cinematic claustrophobia that is ''The Bubble''. FLUSH THEM THE MOVIEEEEE! :'''Ardy''': Movie in the hole! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Catherine enters labor]'' :'''Mark''': I don't know what to do. :'''Catherine''': You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache. :'''Joel''': Is it? :'''Catherine''': Oh God, this one's king-sized! :'''Mark''': Honey, I'm sorry. :'''Crow''': It's too late for that. :'''Catherine''': What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator. :'''Mark''': Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot. :'''Servo [as Mark]''': According to Craigslist. :'''Catherine''': Better be a hell of an obstetrician. :'''Mark''': No... just hold it in, please? :'''Joel [as Mark]''': Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joel''': This opening sequence is a clickbait article just waiting to happen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Catherine''': By the way, what happened to Mr. Airplane? You know, what's his name? Herric? :'''Mark''': Tony Herric. He found himself a saloon, and a girl. I think I'm gonna join him. :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': What?! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tony and Mark drive through the mysterious town]'' :'''Mark''': Never seen such mixed up architecture. It almost looks like the backside of a movie lot. :'''Tony''': That's it! A movie lot, big deal. :'''Mark''': Yeah, of course. :'''Crow [as Mark]''': That explains everything. :'''Mark''': The people in the costumes, the... the cables coming from underneath the lampposts... :'''Servo [as Mark]''': This guy who keeps yelling at me to act better. :'''Mark''': But I don't see any- any cameras, Tony. :'''Tony''': Friend, all I want is the exit. :'''Joel [as Tony]''': One of these warp pipes should get us out of here. :... :'''Tony''': Ah, to hell with it, all I want's my plane. :'''Servo''': All I want's the end credits. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': You know, it just dawned on me. They're really having a tough time. :'''Crow''': Yeah, this movie's helping me put my little problems into perspective. :'''Joel''': That's right, my little robot friends, no matter how bad your day is, you can always say "At least I'm not in Arch Oboler's ''The Bubble''." :'''Servo''': But, we are watching Arch Oboler's ''The Bubble'', and that's pretty bad. :'''Joel''': Yeah, I guess I'm sorry I tried to cheer us up. This blows. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mark''': Look, isn't it about time? :'''Servo''': Uh-oh... :'''Mark''': That you face reality? :'''Joel''': Oh, apt thing to say to a new mom. :'''Catherine''': Reality? What reality? :'''Crow''': You're soaking in it. :'''Catherine''': That either I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which I can't want up, or if what you say is true, then... then I'm part of a human zoo. :'''Servo''': You make it sound so metal. :'''Catherine''': I'd rather be in that nightmare. :'''Joel''': This is why you talk about human zoos before you get married. :'''Mark''': In a zoo? Were we so free before? Was I, the nine to five routine year after year? :'''Catherine''': But Mark, to live like an animal under the eye of- :'''Mark''': Since when haven't I been under an eye? :'''Catherine''': As a child. :'''Mark''': As a child, hell, first, first there was school, then there was the army, then after the army, the job. :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Then came army school. :'''Mark''': When hadn't there been some kind of eye watching over me? Stop tearing yourself apart over a world that doesn't even exist anymore. :'''Servo''': The end! :'''Mark''': Be grateful for this one. Well what's the matter with this place? :'''Crow [as Catherine]''': Dull. :'''Mark''': The walk? Keeps out meanness and hate. :'''Joel''': And entertainment. :'''Mark''': Yeah, even the bomb. :'''Crow''': Whoa, that's heavy. :'''Catherine''': They're walking dead! :'''Mark''': Well, we're not they. We don't eat what they eat. Look, we know what we're doing. :'''Servo [as Mark]''': We're chill. :'''Mark''': We can live out our lives here, Cath, and by ourselves in perfect health and perfect security. :'''Joel [as Mark]''': Thanks to ADT. :'''Mark''': Well what's wrong with that? :'''Catherine''': I... I look up there... and I think to myself... :'''Crow [as Louis Armstrong]''': [[w: What a Wonderful World|What a bubbleful world!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mark walks along the bubble barrier in a daze]'' :'''Servo''': This is what I imagine it feels like to work for Amazon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': It finally happened. I'm completely out of things to say! It's like riffing on the same movie over and over and over again! I CAN'T TAKE IT! ''THE BUBBLE'' IS REAL!!! AHHHHH! ''[runs out of the theater]'' :'''Servo and Joel''': Wonder what he wanted. === [[w:The Christmas Dragon|The Christmas Dragon]] === :'''Bonsey''': God help us, everyone. :'''Ardy''': Movie in the ho-ho-hole! <hr width=50%/> :''[Gazared and Boomtall approach Ayden's parents]'' :'''Gazared''': Taxes. :'''Ayden's Mother''': Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us? :'''Gazared''': Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading? :'''Ayden's Father''': I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself. :'''Gazared''': I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him! :''[thugs draw swords and approach]'' :'''Crow [as a thug]''': Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers! :''[Ayden's Father punches a thug, starting a brief fight]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Wonderful Christmastime|Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!]] :'''Ayden''': ''[comes out of hiding]'' No! :'''Servo [as Ayden]''': File an extension! :'''Ayden's Father''': ''[stops the fight]'' Alright! Alright. Enough. :'''Emily [as Gazared]''': Really? You were winning. :'''Ayden's Father''': I'll get the money. :'''Crow [as Ayden's Father]''': We can Airbnb our hut. :'''Ayden's Father''': Just don't hurt her. :'''Gazared''': I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! ''[the struggle resumes]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Emily''': ''[singing]'' Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas. :'''GPC 2''': Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire? :'''Servo''': And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fin''': Where's Garrett? :'''Servo [as Ayden]''': He decided to leave us and join a family of giraffes with his long neck and all. ''[sobs]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as Rand baits a hook and tosses it in the river]'' :'''Ayden''': Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it. :'''Joel [as Ayden]''': But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water. :'''Hoyt''': What do you think you're going to catch? :'''Servo''': Lyme disease. <hr width=50%/> :''[a river monster rams and topples the boat and its occupants]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': ''[singing]'' Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! :'''Crow''': Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Drinking age, 21. Life expectancy, 16. So unfair. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Arik beckons for the orphans to keep quiet as they approach a dragon]'' :'''Servo [as Arik/Elmer Fudd]''': Be vewy vewy qwuiet. We don't have a permit to film here. Huhuhuh. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ayden befriends the dragon]'' :'''Servo''': It's the look of Spielbergian awe you can only get by staring lovingly at a tennis ball taped to a stick on a Toronto sound stage. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ayden''': ''[to the dragon]'' Stay off that wing. :'''Jonah [as the dragon]''': ''[the dragon nods]'' Alright, ''mom''. :'''Ayden''': Even though it's healing fast, no flying. You need your rest. :'''Crow [as Ayden]''': And if DreamWorks lawyers come, we were never here. :'''Saerwen''': Don't worry... :'''Servo [as Saerwen]''': I left money for pizza. :'''Saerwen''': You've created a sacred bond with her. You two will always be able to find one another. :'''Jonah''': Thanks to social media. :''[Arik approaches them]'' :'''Crow''': Third wheel alert. :'''Ayden''': We're going north. Catch up with us when you can. :'''Servo [as the dragon]''': I get it. You guys can't afford to put me in the next couple scenes, can you? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Arik and Saerwen kiss]'' :'''Jonah [as Arik]''': Come on, let's give these kids something to talk to their therapist about. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the dragon is hooked to Father Christmas' sleigh]'' :'''Emily''': Oh man, guys look, they ''sleighed'' the dragon. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's neat. :'''Jonah''': Oh, come on, Emily... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Father Christmas, the dragon, and the orphans dive at Gazared and her thugs]'' :'''Jonah [as Ayden]''': The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL! :''[Gazared and the thugs jump into a river]'' :'''Emily [as Father Christmas]''': Eat tinsel, bastards! :'''Joel [as Father Christmas]''': Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight! :'''Jonah, Emily, and Joel''': Ho ho ho! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': It feels like we're moving! :'''Emily''': Well let's make it count boys, let's do the theme song! :'''Jonah''': Which one? There's like 12. :'''Joel''': Uh, I only know the lyrics to Mike's. == Gizmoplex Short of the Month == === Pipeline to the Clouds === === Let's Make a Meal in 20 Minutes! === === Court Case === :'''Narrator''': Tennis is a form of war. A violent thing. :'''Crow''': I thought it was a [[w:Ring of Fire (song)|burning ring]]. :'''Narrator''': And in the middle of it all, the absolute center of attention is this... :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Little shorts. :'''Narrator''': The tennis ball. :'''Crow''': Scientific name: Tennius Ballias. :'''Narrator''': It lives in a hundred-mile-an-hour world. :'''Servo''': Palm Springs? :'''Narrator''': Contact is extreme. Either brutal, or feather-light. :'''Emily''': Like my marriage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ... so how does a ball get that way? :'''Emily''': Practice. :'''Narrator''': How does such utter reliability come to be? When so many are produced, how can each one be so perfect? :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Or so white? :'''Narrator''': The answer comes from machines... :'''Servo and Crow''': Yaaay! :'''Narrator''': ... and people. :'''Servo and Crow''': Booo... :'''Emily''': Oh... :'''Narrator''': ... and a name. ''[the camera focuses on the [[w:Penn Racquet Sports|Penn]] brand]'' A big one. :'''Emily, Servo, and Crow''': Penn! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The Phoenix facility with 100,000 plus square feet under roof is one of four such plants. :'''Emily''': Wow. :'''Narrator''': Each all dedicated to one thing... :'''Emily''': Balls! :'''Narrator''': Making the best tennis balls possible, as perfect as can be. Millions of them. :'''Servo''': Millions of balls! :'''Narrator''': The other plants are in Jeannette, Pennsylvania, Jonesboro, Arkansas, and in Mullingar, Ireland. :'''Crow''': ''[Irish accent]'' Ah sure, we like to hit balls back and forth with racquets in Ireland. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Constant checking assures, guarantees, absolute tolerances. Everything must be perfect. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Our nation's security depends on it. :'''Narrator''': Pellets, each identical, are placed in a mold. Many at a time. The mold closes, leaving an exact time and preset temperature to do the job. :'''Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Another Brick in the Wall|Just another brick in the wall]]... :'''Narrator''': Minutes later, vastly changed, the former pellets emerge as sort of a blanket, ready for dye cutting to separate the perfect half spheres. :'''Crow''': I'm learning a lot. :'''Narrator''': Variations in wall thickness, weight, and overall dimensions are infinitesimal. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Then we add the honey barbecue sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Another mold, different from the first, handles the second of the three cures. Some on the top, some on the bottom. :'''Servo''': Like a waffle. :'''Narrator''': These molds are pressurized, which enables them to trap air inside the ball centers. That's how the bounce gets in. :'''Emily''': Like [[w:Tigger|Tigger]]. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Narrator''': Approximately one atmosphere, or about 15 pounds per square inch. Again, time, temperature, and pressure do the work. The seam vulcanizes perfectly. :'''Servo''': This is a lot of work for something your dog will chew on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At this stage, the balls are checked for size. Sizing is visual, electronic, and mechanical. A three-way proposition. :'''Emily, Servo, and Crow''': Uhhh... :'''Narrator''': Oversized, and undersized centers are screened and separated to find use as simple play balls, or other activities. ''Not'' tennis. :'''Emily''': I never realized how much tennis has in common with eugenics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Next, in drums, the balls are tumbled. :'''Emily''': [[w:I'll Tumble 4 Ya|I'll tumble for ya]]... :'''Narrator''': Steam is introduced. Mold marks dissappear. The flat nap is raised and fluffed. :'''Servo''': Now he's just making up words. :'''Crow''': Yeah, right? :'''Narrator''': A lineup for printing, which adds something important. The name. Penn. :'''Crow''': James Penn. :'''Narrator''': A final check, and the balls are inserted in the distinctive can. Penn. Known wherever tennis is played. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Like at Wimbledon or at Pfifer Middle School where you skinned your knee so badly you quit the team, remember, you LITTLE WHINER?! :'''Narrator''': The can, by the way, has a patented snap-off top designed to prevent cut fingers. :''[a handler runs their fingers along the can's edge]'' :'''Emily''': Ow! Ow ow ow... :'''Narrator''': It was introduced by Penn. :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': An employee named Penn, who has four fingers now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a machine rapidly squeezes a tennis ball]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, you two shouldn't be watching this. This is... :''[the camera zooms out to reveal multiple balls getting squeezed in the same way, causing the bots to laugh mischievously]'' :'''Servo''': This is great... it's a free-for-all... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emily''': When you think balls, think Penn. :'''Crow''': Balls! === Sleep for Health === :'''Servo''': ''[as the title is shown]'' I prefer the second film in the series: ''Sleep for Revenge''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': A new baby is an exciting addition to the family... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': But to keep the balance, someone must go. :'''Martha''': He's always asleep. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's what he ''wants'' you to think. :'''Martha''': When's he ever gonna be any fun? :'''David''': All he ever does is eat and sleep. :'''Servo [as David]''': And watch "Meet the Press." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Everybody has habits. ''[a father is shown reading a newspaper with a stern expression]'' Dad likes to read his newspaper every evening in this same chair. :'''Servo [as the father]''': [[w:Garfield|A cat that eats lasagna?!]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Getting ready for bed at a regular time is one of the most important habits you can learn. A quiet hour or two before bedtime is part of this habit. It makes you feel relaxed and sleepy, ready for bed. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Easy pickings for an apex predator. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Some people go right to sleep, others take longer. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': David eases himself to sleep by counting his sins. :'''Crow [as David]''': 239... 240... ah, 241... that was a good one. <hr width=50%/> :''[David is seen flying a plane in a dream that sputters and dies in midair without falling]'' :'''Crow''': You know, if you die in a dream, you die in real life. :'''Joel [as David]''': ''[while David pulls out a big wrench and works on the propeller]'' No! Not like this, not today! I'm only nine! I never even finished that chapter I mentioned earlier! :''[the airplane revs up again]'' :'''Servo''': Eh, still more reliable than flying with [[w:Spirit Airlines|Spirit Airlines]]. :'''Narrator''': Dreams don't seem to make much sense, do they? :'''Crow''': Nope! :'''Narrator''': ''[as David is seen sleeping again]'' That's because the brain is resting along with the body... :'''Joel [as David]''': 432, 433- oh, I did 433 twice. Gotta start over. 1, 2... <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': The alarm hasn't rung yet. David finds that he usually wakes up before it goes off. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Which is why you should always get up a full 30 minutes before you awaken. :'''Narrator''': You're never at your best until at least an hour or two afterwards. That's one reason why getting up early is so important. :'''Crow''': Uhhhh... didn't this family used to have a baby? <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': There's plenty of time for breakfast, too. Breakfast is an important meal that shouldn't be missed. If you usually go to bed early enough, you usually wake up early, too. You can start the day in a pleasant, unhurried way. It's more fun for you that way and more fun for the rest of the family, too. David and Martha enjoy their mornings. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': It's the last daylight they'll see before descending into the mines. :'''Joel''': ''[David and Martha leave the table]'' "Well, gotta run, mom and dad, but this has been pleasant and unhurried." :'''Crow''': Seriously though! This film started with a baby! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film ends]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, I'm really worried. What happened to the baby?! === The Wonder of Reproduction === :'''Pearl''': It's another one for Emily, and it's called "The Wonder of Reproduction," and as the mother of a mad scientist, I can wholeheartedly tell you it's no wonder that I never did that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the title is revealed]'' :'''Crow''': Finally! We get to learn how to forge money. :''[Title card reads "From the Wonder World Series".]'' :'''Emily''': Anyway, here's, uh, Wonderworld. [[w:Wonderwall (song)|Today was gonna be the day that we're gonna reproduce with you...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary''': Man, oh man, would you look at this one? She sure is beautiful... :'''Crow [as Gary]''': But she doesn't even know I exist! :'''Bob''': Well, this she happens to be a ''he.'' :'''Emily [as Bob]''': Idiot. :'''Bob''': You're looking at the male [[w: Siamese fighting fish|betta splenden]], and he is one of the most beautiful fish you'll probably ever see. As you look closely... :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Just look at that muddy brown. :'''Bob''': ... almost every color of the rainbow, sparkling in his sleek body, and flowing fins as he swims... :'''Crow''': Bob's biting his knuckle right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Strange as it may seem, in the family of betta splendens, it's the father who cares for the babies, and raises a family. :'''Servo''': A real Mr. Mom. :'''Girl''': Father? What does the mother fish do? :'''Crow [as Bob]''': She drinks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': The father betta will go up to the surface and breathe in a mouthful of air. Then he will swim to the place that he's chosen to build his nest. Now this is usually by a plant, or on the underside of a floating leaf. :'''Emily [as Bob]''': Hopefully by a sport's bar. :'''Bob''': Then he will blow out the bubbles of air, which is coated with very special saliva from his mouth. :'''Servo''': When ''he'' does it, he's a good dad, but when I do it, I'm asked to leave the [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as a fish]''': As I sat in the hole, I couldn't help but wonder. Was this all there was to life under the sea? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Now, the Creator has given most wild creatures a strong instinct to protect their young, and mother [[w:Egyptian mouthbrooder|mouthbrooder]] performs this task in such a remarkable way. :'''Crow''': Magic! :'''Bob''': Even though she has scooped up all of the eggs into her very large mouth, she will not swallow them. She keeps them in her mouth until they hatch into baby fish. :'''Emily [as Bob]''': And will remind those children of her sacrifice for years to come. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the three children leave to go catch minnows]'' :'''Bob''': Have fun! :'''Crow''': 'Cause the [[w:Vietnam War|Vietnam War]] is right around the corner! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Uncle Bob will return in ''The Wonders of Snake Digestion''! === Cavalcade === :'''Narrator''': This twisted tornado-wracked pile of stem was a microwave radio relay tower... :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as Narrator]''': Now, it's garbage. :'''Narrator''': A link in our nation's complex telephone network. Minutes after the tower was felled by a tornado, service was restored by switching calls to alternate routes of the network, but a temporary tower must be erected, and quickly. :'''Pearl''': Before it kills again. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a tower is getting constructed]'' :'''Pearl''': Gentlemen, this is going to be a wild game of Mousetrap. <hr width=50%/> :'''Technician''': ''[adjusting a signal]'' Take it to the left. :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': [[w:Cha Cha Slide|Take it back now, y'all.]] :'''Technician''': Left. Left a little more. :'''Pearl [as Technician]''': My- ''My'' left! :'''Technician''': Easy... Whoa! He's right on frequency! :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as Technician]''': I'm gonna take this energy home and satisfy my wife for a change. :'''Narrator''': Television programs, telephone calls, and data are going through. This one was for practice... :'''Pearl''': And gosh darn was it fun! :'''Narrator''': ... for crews like this, the big task is keeping the nation's communications flowing. :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as another worker]''': Wait, this was ''practice?'' Jeff died today! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Why the upsurge of interest in the heavens? :'''Dr. Erhardt''': Because hell is full. <hr width=50%/> :''[at the title card, "The Paradox of Lead"]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': If it's so dangerous, why does it taste so good? <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': The very idea of lead in glass seems contradictory. Nonetheless, this goblet of lead crystal was made in England by George Ravenscroft back in the year 1675. :'''Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]''': He died in 1676. :'''Narrator''': Lead glass today protects against penetrating X-rays. :'''Pearl''': And that pervert, Superman. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': In this picturesque countryside, farming is the leading occupation. :'''Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]''': Number two is murder. === Balance Beam for Girls === === Bicycling Visual Skills === :''[as Mr. Mathis and a group of student drivers exit a car]'' :'''Emily [as Mr. Mathis]''': Just act casual, and remember, if anyone asks, we hit a deer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Mathis''': Say, I have a new film on safe driving skills that I'm gonna look at in the morning. Would any of you like to look at it? Can you meet me back here at nine o'clock? :'''Karen''': Sure! :'''Mike''': Okay. :'''Mr. Mathis''': Alright. See you in the driver's education room. :'''Ted''': See you later! :'''Karen''': Bye! :'''Servo [as a kid]''': Let's hurry home! [[w:The Purge (2013 film)|The purge]] starts tonight! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Mike runs a stop sign on his bike]'' :'''Ted''': I've got something to tell you that you'll probably see in the film tomorrow, but I think you need to know it now. :'''Servo [as Ted]''': Meryl's still got it. :'''Ted''': Every time you come to a stop sign, you should always use the slow down, or stop hand signal. And then you should look being you to make sure that no cars are coming. Then look to the left, and always when it's a three-way intersection, look straight ahead to the right, to the left again, and then once it's clear, you can... :'''Emily [as Ted]''': Then [[w:Konami Code|up up, down down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start]], and you'll have unlimited bikes! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Mathis''': Karen, could you get the lights for me? :'''Crow [as Karen]''': Get a clapper, old man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': All vehicle drivers need good visual habits to drive skillfully. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': Having eyes in general is a plus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Everything you can see at one thing is called your field of view. :'''Crow''': Learning! :''[the camera pans to the left, losing focus on the road, and looking at a building with an ITW sign]'' :'''Narrator''': Look what happens to your field of view when you turn your head. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': You can see International Towel World. :'''Narrator''': Every time you switch your line of sight, your entire field of view changes. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Scientists call this, "looking." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Check ahead in the intersection for traffic. Check to the left, and to the right... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Then [[w:Cha Cha Slide|cha cha slide]]. :'''Narrator''': Then put your hand back on the handlebar, and check behind again to make sure it's clear before you turn. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': Repeat this process 27 times, then turn the stove on and off 44 times so you ''know'' your mom won't die. <hr width=50%/> :'''Young Baseball Player''': Who do you think's gonna pitch today? I hope it's not McCalvey! :''[as the young baseball player on his bike runs a stop sign, a car honks, resulting in a freeze frame on the boy's surprised face]'' :'''Servo [as the kid]''': Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here... :''[the next scene shows the player on a street in bandages, about to be put on a stretcher]'' :'''Crow''': Final line, McCalvey went eight innings, gave up two runs on six hits, four walks, and one ceremonial pitch. :'''Emily''': He died how he played baseball: trouble with the curve. :... :'''Servo''': ''[as the ambulance takes the boy away]'' And the moral of the story is, baseball isn't worth it. :'''Paramedic''': Alright, let's move back out of the street. :'''Crow [as paramedic]''': Alright, move along so we can finish this Larry Byrd photo shoot for Pontiac. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Search the ground for changing road surfaces. Your bicycle reacts differently to each one. Loose gravel is slippery. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And pairs well with Merlot. :'''Narrator''': Bricks are bumpy. :'''Emily''': These are the weirdest affirmations. :'''Narrator''': Adjust your speed to each surface to keep your bicycle under control. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Unlike that hot Irish temper of yours, Kellen. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the short begins to roll credits to happy music]'' :'''Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w: Don't You Forget About Me (song)|Don't you... forget about me...]] ''[she [[w:The Breakfast Club|raises a fist]] in the air]'' :'''Crow''': I remember [[w:Jules and Jim|Jules et Jim]] being longer. :'''Emily''': Yeah, Beverly J. Ruff was definitely not three dogs in a trench coat. :'''Servo''': Ironically, I had to unfriend John L. Friend. :'''Crow''': Richard B Long, Jeffrey B. Light, and I be done with this movie. === The Bicycle Driver === :''[as the title is shown]'' :'''Synthia''': Oh, in the ''Driver'' trilogy, this falls between ''[[w:Baby Driver|Baby]]'' and ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl [as adult driver]''': ''[as a group of kids leave a Driver's Education vehicle]'' Okay, this time you kids buy beer for ''me''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': I've been asked to introduce this film, because I really am the advisor to a junior high bike club, and I really do teach traffic safety education full-time. :'''Mega-Synthia''': Prove it! :'''Driver''': So I see the safety education problem from both viewpoints. :'''Synthia [as the driver]''': I'm conflicted. :'''Driver''': Bicycles and autos can safely share the same road... :'''Pearl [as driver]''': This bloody century long war must end! :'''Driver''': ... must know and follow the same rules of the road, accept the same driving responsibility, and respect each other's rights. That's what this film is all about. :'''Mega-Synthia [as driver]''': That, and corn shucking. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a police officer pulls over a bicycle driver]'' :'''Synthia''': Uh, we got a local yokel smokey in hot-pursuit of a hooligan, hot-doggin' it in Calhoun County. :'''Police Officer''': May I see your operator's license today, sir? :'''Bicycle Driver''': License? Since when do I have to have a license to drive a bicycle? :'''Police Officer''': Well it's not required that you have an operator's license, but I do need some form of identification. :'''Mega-Synthia [as bicyclist]''': My grandkids drew this, and wrote pop-pop on it. Does that work? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a mother and her son shop at a bike store]'' :'''Mother''': Jim, can you guarantee me you're not gonna ride this bike at night? :'''Pearl [as Jim]''': I can't even guarantee you I won't sell this for cigarettes. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jim sits on numerous bicycles]'' :'''Synthia''': On your birthday, you get to [[w:teabagging|teabag]] every bike in the shop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Girl Bicyclist''': Hey Jim, what are you doing? :'''Jim''': Oh, I'm just going over my hand signals. :'''Synthia''' You'll go blind! <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': During a left turn at rush hour, he takes to the sidewalk, riding if it's legal, pushing if it's not. :'''Pearl''': Ditching it if it cramps his style. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a group of bicyclists ride past a herd of cattle]'' :'''Synthia [as a cow]''': I think one of those bike seats is my brother. <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': Jim, our new member is going to recite, what are the rules of the road? :'''Synthia [as Jim]''': Kill, or be killed. :'''Jim''': To maintain a safe and orderly flow of traffic on our roads. :'''Girl Bicyclist''': Why should you follow the rules of the road? :'''Jim''': Because if I don't, I can't expect anybody else to. :'''Driver''': Oh, you mean we ''always'' follow the rules of the road? :'''Bicyclists''': We try, but it isn't easy! :'''Pearl, Synthia, and Mega-Synthia''': And when it's too hard, we give up! === Let's Keep Food Safe to Eat === :''[as the title is shown]'' :'''Servo''': Yes, keep guns away from food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': While Steve washes his hands, Cathy will get the silverware. Oops! She dropped a spoon. :'''Servo''': Oops! She's fired. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as the family gathers around the breakfast table]'' Now, Steve is ready for breakfast, and father too. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Back from his other family. :'''Narrator''': Father is also careful about the food he eats. The sausage looks good... :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': But the eggs look worse. :'''Narrator''': ''[as the father takes a bite of the sausage, but grimaces]'' But it doesn't taste right. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': And Cathy's missing three fingers! :'''Narrator''': So, he won't eat anymore of the sausage, it may be spoiled. :'''Crow''': Right, Cathy? :'''Narrator''': Often we can tell if foods are good to eat by smelling or tasting them. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Or simply by asking them. :'''Narrator''': You should never eat food if you're not sure they are safe. :'''Emily [as the Mother]''': Cathy, did you wash your fingers ''before'' we cooked them? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Washing dishes also helps us keep our food fresh and clean. To find out why, let's do an experiment with some leftover food on a plate. What do you suppose will happen if the food is not washed off? :'''Servo''': It will get tattoos, and listen to punk music. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The best way to get dirt and germs off your hands is to wash and scrub them well. :'''Crow''': Preferably, 'til bloody. :'''Narrator''': Use lots of soap, and get in between the fingers, on the back of the hands, and on the wrists too. Get them clean all over. :'''Servo''': Where have those wrists been? :'''Emily''': You don't wanna know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a covered sliced cake is shown]'' :'''Servo''': It's quarantined [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]! :''[a knife starts to cut another slice of the cake]'' :'''Emily''': No, Pac-Man! ''[Imitates the Pac-Man death sound]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Using straws sealed in paper wrappers helps to keep dirt and germs out of milk. :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': Plus, it'll kill all four turtles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sally has a sandwich from yesterday. :'''Servo [as Sally]''': See? No funny business. :'''Narrator''': Cathy would love it, but if it's been out of the refrigerator for so long, it may be spoiled. ''[Cathy declines the sandwich]'' That's right, Cathy. Don't eat things if you don't know for sure they are safe. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Say no to leftovers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Suppose you drop a cookie on the floor. :'''Servo''': Five second rule? :'''Narrator''': Things that are dropped, you know, should be washed before eating, but how can you wash a cookie? :'''Emily''': That's what spit's for! :'''Narrator''': Well, he'll just have to throw it out. :'''Crow''': And burn the evidence. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Alright everyone, smoke 'em of you got 'em. In the next film, we cover tick bites. === [[w:Mr. B Natural|Mr. B. Natural]] (2023) === :'''Max''' Ugh, Mr. B Natural. There's no way out, Kinga! We can't control when the movies begin or end! :'''Kinga''': Uh, well... j- just sit down. Maybe it won't be so bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Phil Patton's directing credit is shown]'' :'''Kinga''': Phil Patton, you magnificent bastard, I read your book! :'''Max''': I just love the name Patton. So strong and... and viral! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Mr. B Natural, at your service. The spirit of music, that's me! The spirit of fun in music. And I've been around an awful long time. Knew your father, I did. And your grandmother. And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam. :'''Kinga''': She's the devil? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Why, you should know me. The spirit of music's inside all of you. In you... :'''Max''': Peaches. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... :'''Kinga''': Herb... :'''Mr. B Natural''': In all of you! :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': Where your soul used to be! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': I usually hang around on this music staff, but when I get a message for help, I go off to appear before people! Especially young people, when I think I can do 'em some good. :'''Max''': Uh oh, hold on... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jeanie''': Honest, these records are the greatest. :'''Kinga [as Jeanie]''': What's [[w:N.W.A.|N.W.A.]] mean? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Mr. B Natural appears out of Buzz Turner's locker]'' :'''Max''': You can't be within a thousand feet of a school, Mr. B Natural! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz Turner''': Mr. B what? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Natural! Shouldn't be surprised, boy. Whether you know it, or not, you sent for me. When you reached for that music over there to make you feel better, I got your message. You awakened me! :'''Max''': Damn! :'''Buzz Turner''': You mean you've been hiding here in my room all that time, and I never even noticed? :'''Mr. B Natural''': No boy, I don't mean that! I mean, you awaken the spirit of music inside you! That's me! Your spirit of music! That's my name, boy! B Natural! :'''Kinga''': This is so complicated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Look here, I've been visiting an eight-year-old friend of mine who woke me up recently. :'''Kinga''': Huh? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Talked him into playing the French horn, I did. You should hear him! ''[imitates a French horn and laughs]'' :'''Max''': Oh, watch your back, [[w: Reggie Watts|Reggie Watts]]. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Because he wanted to. He wanted the fun of it. That's why he can play that piece so easy! Wait 'til he grows up and finds out how hard it is. ''[laughs]'' :'''Kinga [as Mr. B Natural]''': Ha ha ha, then he'll die! :'''Mr. B Natural''': It's because he's young. He's not afraid. :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': He's foolish! Hee hee hee ha ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Mr. B Natural does a "dignified" march to a French horn tune]'' :'''Kinga''': Nothing sparks self esteem like a North Korean military march. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You like music? :'''Buzz Turner''': Sure sounds like fun, and I'd like to have some of it too! :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': Yeah, first taste is free, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salesman''': Years of know-how make the best instrument. If that craftsman stops spinning that sousaphone bell for a second... :'''Kinga [as salesman]''': He receives an electric shock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salesman''': The best instruments are uniform. Every one is exactly like every other of the same kind. :'''Max [as salesman]''': Like white people in the suburbs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Buzz receives his trumpet]'' :'''Max [as Buzz]''': I'm gonna join [[w:Reel Big Fish|Reel Big Fish]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Buzz takes a trumpet solo at the dance]'' :'''Kinga''': Hey [[w: Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy]], it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Gillespie? [[w: Back to the Future (film)|You know that new sound you been looking for? Well listen to this!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural flashes the okay sign]'' :'''Kinga and Max''': It stinks! === Better Breakfasts, U.S.A. === :'''Narrator''': Every television show begins with a title. Often, it's a card on an easel. :'''Emily''': Whoa! Don't give away all the secrets! :'''Narrator''': ... in the studio well before airtime, and each area is set up for the camera so that the program can proceed smoothly. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': ''[shot five cards on screen]'' They are beige to show off on your glorious color TV. :'''Narrator''': ... in this table of grain samples, since our Better Breakfast story begins with cereal grains. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And ends with malt liquor. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Today's wide variety of ready to eat and hot breakfast cereals is made from these great grains. :'''Emily''': I mean, they're fine... :'''Narrator''': Barley... :'''Servo''': ''Barely.'' :'''Narrator''': Corn... :'''Crow''': Which is better on the cob. :'''Narrator''': Oats... :'''Emily''': Worthless without [[w:Hall & Oates|Hall]]. :'''Narrator''': Rice... :'''Servo''': The pigeon exploder. :'''Narrator''': And wheat, or combinations of them. :'''Crow''': Call me when you got sorghum. :'''Narrator''': The United States Department of Agriculture says cereal breakfast products are an important food use of the grains we grow. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': And it's ''not'' a conflict of interest at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': There are many different kinds of wheat... :'''Crow''': Corn wheat, barley wheat, rice wheat... :'''Narrator''': And it is raised in a wide area. :'''Emily''': Eat too much wheat, and you'll ''have'' a wide area. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Cereals are flaked... :'''Emily''': Folded... :'''Narrator''': Granulated... :'''Servo''': Spindled... :'''Narrator''': Puffed... :'''Crow''': Mutilated... :'''Narrator''': Shredded... :'''Emily''': Humiliated... :'''Narrator''': And rolled. :'''Servo''': And thrown away! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Whole grain, enriched or restored breakfast cereals are included in one of the four main food groups recommended by government nutrition experts in a daily food guide. :'''Servo''': Government can't tell me not to eat batteries! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Well, that's our health and nutrition television program, ''Better Breakfasts, USA''. :'''Crow''': It was immediately canceled. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': No Black History Month, but they learned about grain. === Doing Things for Ourselves in School === == Specials == === Mystery Science Theater Hour Host Segments === ==== Cave Dwellers ==== ==== Gamera ==== ==== Pod People ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, often people stop me on the street and they ask, "What's it really like? This world of Deep 13?" Well, rather than go on and on, taking advantage of my privileged position as confidant to these two enigmatic dilettantes, I ask simply in return, "Have you seen ''Pod People''?" And now you'll be able to say "Yes, I have seen ''Pod People''." From plotting, to characterization, to cinematography, not to mention the unbelievable use of fog and syntho-rock, this is what you can expect from Deep 13 and the Mystery Science Theater Hour. Enjoy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''Pod People'' was made right on the heels of that enchanting blockbuster, ''[[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T.]]'', which grossed over half a billion dollars worldwide. ''Pod People'' didn't do nearly as well, in fact it didn't even do nearly as well as ''[[w:Mac and Me|Mac and Me]]''. Oh well. ==== Time of the Apes ==== ==== Daddy-O ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': Today's movie is called ''Daddy-O'', a real gem, starring singer [[w:Dick Contino|Dick Contino]], who is still packing them in in Las Vegas. As aged as this film is, it still looks surprisingly "hip" or "modern" — a strong testament to the care that went into every frame. I'm afraid some of the hipper lingo is lost on these aging ears, but no matter. I'm betting Crow, Servo, Gypsy, and Joel can take the heat of ''Daddy-O''. So turn it all the way up to eleven, and let's rock this mother! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, I can't help but admit a certain fondness for the swinging happy days. It takes me back my tattered leather jacket and pompadour. I eagerly and frequently traded knuckle sandwiches with the best minds of my generation. I, too, howled. ''Awoo!'' ==== The Amazing Colossal Man ==== ==== Fugitive Alien ==== ==== It Conquered the World ==== ==== Gamera vs. Guiron ==== ==== Earth vs. the Spider ==== ==== Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent ==== ==== War of the Colossal Beast ==== ==== The Unearthly ==== ==== Santa Claus Conquers the Martians ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, Christmas depresses millions, but I must admit, I sky during the holidays, and when I see some slump-shouldered gloomy-gus walking forlornly through the festooned mall area of my home town, I wanna shake him and shout, "Suck it up! What have you got to be sorry for?!" ... but I resist. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Did you know the delightful "Hooray for Santa Claus" theme song was released as a single? And that ''Santa Claus Conquers'' was also released as a [[w:Dell Comics|Dell comic book]]? Well, as those charming stand-up comedians say, "Give me more of that!" ==== Space Travelers ==== ==== The Giant Gila Monster ==== ==== Teenagers from Outer Space ==== ==== Hercules Unchained ==== ==== Hercules Against the Moon Men ==== ==== The Magic Sword ==== ==== Tormented ==== ==== The Beatniks ==== ==== Crash of Moons ==== ==== Attack of the the Eye Creatures ==== ==== The Human Duplicators ==== ==== The Day the Earth Froze ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[holding a fairytale book]'' Hello, dear friends. I was just reading a delightful Swedish fairytale based, oddly enough on the supergroup, [[w:ABBA|ABBA]]. Hmm... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Welcome back, dear viewers, to the conclusion of ''The Day the Earth Froze'' on the Mystery Science Theater Hour. I can't wait to get started, but first let's take a look at what happened in part one. The beautiful ornithologist Annikki is wooed by Übermensch Lemminkäinen, ace log rider. Meanwhile, the evil witch of the mountain kidnapped Annikki to coerce Annikki's brother into making a Sampo, a coveted, yet delightfully vague prize. Annikki's brother and Lemminkäinen rush to rescue the maiden. I can't wait to get started, I confess, I'm rather taken by that ''fetching'' Swedish hotcake of a witch. ''[laughs]'' Part two of ''The Day the Earth Froze''. ''Grrr!'' ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[imitating Torgo]'' "The Master is always here." "The Master will not like it." ''[laughs]'' Boy, that Master's got a lot to learn about the hospitality business, doesn't he? I mean that is a ''weird'' hotel! By the by, manos is actually Spanish for "hands," so today's film is Hands: the Hands of Fate. Isn't that sneaky? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': I hate to say it, but there was one thing about this movie that to me, didn't make much sense. That father seemed like an intelligent fellow, but ''my gosh'' he did a terrible job planning that vacation! One hard lesson I've learned is that you've got to plan every step of every day, and that only goes double when you're traveling! It just makes my skin crawl to see a vacation ruined by bad planning! So if you can, join us next time on the Mystery Science Theater Hour, but ''please'' be careful. ==== Secret Agent Super Dragon ==== ==== The Magic Voyage of Sinbad ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': Now I must warn you, the Sinbad in today's film is not quite the swarthy adventurer of yore, he resembles my Uncle Phil — A slim whiskery fellow who manages a tobacco store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[juggling and wearing a clown headdress]'' Bonswa, dear friends. I, too, dreamed of the circus as an escape from my stifling home life. I still grow nostalgic at the smell of grease paint, and elephant hair, and... oh I do so long to punch a clown. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Hey, regarding the catfish we saw nuzzling Poseidon, isn't the catfish a freshwater creature? By the way, if you're looking for a great catfish bait, take a big gob of liver sausage and mix it all up with a couple of dozen of those big juicy nightcrawlers. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results. ==== I Accuse My Parents ==== === Turkey Day '91 === :'''Crow''': Hi, you're watching Turkey Day, here on Comedy Central. Turkey fact number 12: if you leave turkeys out in the rain, they'll drown. Stupid jerks. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Forrester watches the Thanksgiving Day Parade]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I'm glad to see you're finally focusing on something besides ruining people's Thanksgivings. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, yeah, right. :'''TV's Frank''': So, how's the parade going? What did I miss? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, you missed that crappy caterpillar they repaint every year, the quick bunny balloon, and about 2000 of the worst clowns I've ever seen. :'''TV's Frank''': Look, it's the Underdog balloon! Oh, this is great! He's my favorite! You know, this is starting to really feel like Thanksgiving! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes it is. ''[pushes a button on a remote detonator, causing an explosion]'' Die, boy, die! :'''TV's Frank''': [[w:Hindenburg disaster|Oh my God I don't believe it- oh this is awful! Oh- falling down in a terrible- oh it's the worst thing of- OH THE HUMANITY!!!]] ''[sobbing]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Slight the turkey, Frank. He must die, so that we may live. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, kiddies, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be pulling the plug on your all-too-precious Thanksgiving. We won't be watching ''E.T.'' Instead, we're going to be watching this crumby Czechoslovakian ripoff called ''Pod People.'' :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, come on. I thought we were going to have the TV off after dinner. :'''Jack Perkins''': If anyone's interested, I'm going to be reading from [[w:Dylan Thomas|Dylan Thomas's]] enchanting work titled ''[[w:A Child's Christmas in Wales|A Child's Christmas in Wales]].'' :'''TV's Frank''': Ooh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, I don't think so, Jack. I wouldn't call that good TV. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, that cuts it! If anyone's interested, Jack is going to be doing his reading in the kitchen. Come on. ''[everyone else leaves the room]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, at least you and I can watch this together. If you're wondering in your family whether to watch my show, ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'', or ''E.T.: the Extraterrestrial'', make things go your way and spoil things for your friends and family by telling them at the end of the movie, E.T. goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg! Oh and by the way, I'm dating Amy Irving, and she's hot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[drunk and wandering over to the camera]'' Hello, Linda Ellerbee, if you are out there, I've got something to say to you. Isn't it ironic that I'm pulling out about six figures a year in my cushy cable job, while you're out there peddling Maxwell House co- ''[Forrester shocks him with a cattle prod]'' AAAGH! :'''TV's Frank''': Heh... he's a bit into the Harvey's Bristol Cream. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, get rid of him, or I will. <hr width=50%/> :'''TV's Frank''': So, how'd the experiment go? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Fine, Frank. Just fine. :'''TV's Frank''': You were sorely missed. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner asked for you. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, I was right here. I don't understand it, after beaming 26 straight hours of our Turkey Day marathon across the country, Atlanta should be burning by now. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[sighs]'' It was the greatest dinner party I have ever given. Even grander than last April's hat party. Hmm. What did you think? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, I'm a scientist. I don't have time to think. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, someone's over-tired. Why don't you put your stuff away and get some sleep, Steve? :'''Dr. Forrester''': I just don't know, I don't know what I did! :'''TV's Frank''': Look, you didn't get much to eat. Here, I made you a snack. ''[offers an apple]'' Want some? :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[slaps the apple away]'' I don't have time for a snack, I- Frank, THAT'S IT! ''Daddy-O''! YES! FRANK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT, I COULD KISS- right! ''Daddy-O''! <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. Forrester sits downtrodden after the marathon concludes]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Come on, Papa, eat. :'''Dr. Forrester''': I failed, Frank. How hard could it be to take over the world? Piece of cake, right? :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did a 30 hour marathon of your most diabolical experiments ever, I mean not just any stiff could pull that off. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, Frank, you're the trooper here. You put on that great spread, and the place looked great, and you looked great, and... I just wanna tell you Frank, I really admire you. :'''TV's Frank''': Thanks Steve. Takes a big man to admit that. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, Frank, I mean it. You're a real booster. You know, I think I'll have a piece of that pumpkin pie. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Well I... used that on my sandwich- don't have any left... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, no matter. Minced meat it is, then. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' ... added to a shake... not any left... I didn't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Start running, Frank. :'''TV's Frank''': Yes sir. === Turkey Day '92 === :'''Crow''': If you're taping, this is a good time to pause! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Beats the hell out of mincemeat, don't it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': It's the "Lost Continent" on Turkey Day Marathon here at Comedy Central. It's getting late, you may want a blanket and a nice cup of cocoa. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Now might be a good time to check on your mom. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. You know, cleaning up isn't just a girl's job! === The Dead Talk Back/Comedy Central Broadcast's Zombie Nightmare Promo === :'''Gypsy''': I've been asked my colleagues Crow. T Robot, Tom Servo, and Mike to let you know that this week on Mystery Science Theater 300 at 7:00 PM at Comedy Central on Saturday, our movie will be "Zombie Nightmare". That's 7 PM on Comedy Central this Saturday. === Turkey Day '95 === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, greetings, you unfortunate total losers. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, it's Thanksgiving, and once again, I shall soon be ruling the world. As you cling to one another, weeping in desperation, you may ask, "Why now? Why me?" Because my mother's coming over in a few hours, and I'd like to be ruling the world by the time she gets here. ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh no! Mother! She's early! Oh, what do I do?! I'm not ruling the world! ''[answers the door]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Hello, and warm Thanksgivings greetings, Dr. Clayton Forrester. :'''Dr. Forrester''': PERKINS?! What the hell are you doing here, you pedantic, leathery old-?! :'''Jack Perkins''': Now Clay, come, I come bearing an invitation from Television's own Frank, done in a tasteful, yet not too formal bookman old style font on a ''crisp'' and ''elegant'' eggshell- :'''Dr. Forrester''': Would you just give me this?! ''[takes the invitation away]'' "Please join Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank... THANKSGIVING DINNER?!" '''FRAAAAAAAANK!!!!!''' ''[begins sobbing]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Oh, now Clay, this is going to be fun. Say, I brought a tangy Mexican three-layer dip. I hope there's enough for everyone. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Everyone? There's more??? Oh, son of a- Perkins, my mother will be here in just a few hours. I don't even know what I have in the kitchen. Maybe some Ramen noodles... :'''Jack Perkins''': Oh, now Clay, that'll never do for Mother Forrester, let alone the rest of the guests. I'll tell you what let's do. Why don't you nip to the store with this list, prepared for me by [[w:Burt Wolf|Burt Wolf]], just about the ''finest'' shopping list I've ever seen, and I'll stay here and take care of things here. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh huh, good, good. I'll just nip down to [[w:Piggly Wiggly|Piggly Wiggly]], and get the stuff on the- oh be a dear, Jack and send them the movie? :'''Jack Perkins''': Why of course. ''[Dr. Forrester runs off]'' Hello, and welcome to the first movie in this our Turkey Day marathon. This one is a fun hunk of cinematic sludge that I like to think of as one of the finest-''[Forrester runs back and gives him a card to read from before running off again]'' Thank you. "You brainless monkeys, I will make you bow down before me. One day, you will all be before me prostrate, quaking, naked and frayed, and I... will show you the meaning of loss. ''[laughs]'' So that I might quickly dominate you, this year I've selected a fast-acting episode from the first year of my experiment, ''The Crawling Hand''- Ahhh! Enjoy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[with an armful of groceries]'' Perkins! Jack? They didn't have those shiitake mushrooms, so I got canned mushrooms, and I didn't know what that basmati rice was, so I got Uncle Ben. ''[Mr. B Natural suddenly appears]'' Ah! Who are you what are you doing here what do you want with me?! :'''Mr. B Natural''': I'm Mr. B Natural, and I embody the spirit of music in you and you! Knew your father, I did! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Is it money you want? :'''Jack Perkins''': Ah, Mr. B Natural, I see you got Frank's invitation! :'''Mr. B Natural''': Brought a Mexican three-layer dip, I did! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, look you two, I am really trying to rule the world before my mother gets here so if you could just- oh just make yourself at home. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Well that will make me feel like a happy king! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh boy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, hello again, America, and welcome to the third installment of my MST marathon. By the end of the day- you see, my mother is coming, and I promised her that I will RULE THE WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA- :'''Jack Perkins''': Dr. Forrester, taste some of my cornbread stuffing, a recipe given me by the great [[w:Jacques Pépin|Jacques Pépin]] as we were mushrooming and- ''[is pushed offscreen by Dr. Forrester]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Unfortunately, I've also got to deal with some weird guests that Frank invited before he was subsumed up into heaven whenever the hell that was. So if we're all very lucky, cross our fingers, we won't have anymore uninvited guests. ''[Pitch suddenly appears]'' :'''Pitch''': Hi! Heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, go away! :'''Pitch''': Oh, but I brought a Mexican three-layer dip, heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, just put it on the bed, I've got important things- :'''Mr. B Natural''': ''[suddenly appearing]'' Hi! Would you like to be a happy king? :'''Jack Perkins''': Ah, Mr. B Natural, allow me to introduce Satan, Pitch, Scratch, Beelzebub, ruler of the domain of never-ending darkness, old gooseberry. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Great! I'm trying to rule the world before my mother gets here, and I've got Satan, I've got some androgynous man-woman, and I've got Peter Graves Jr. in my house! :'''Jack Perkins''': Hey! :'''Dr. Forrester''': A joke, Perkins. A joke. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, Satan, I am pleased to meet you. [[w:Sympathy for the Devil|Won't you guess my name?]] ''[he and Pitch laugh]'' But what's puzzling me... :'''Pitch''': The nature of my game! Heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Look you two, I don't care if Frank did invite you for Thanksgiving, I gotta control the world before my mother gets here or we are all in so much trouble! ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh great, now who's this? Another freak for the pile?! ''[answers the door]'' And you would be... :'''Kitten with the Whip''': ''[enters holding a litterbox]'' Uh, Kitten with the Whip. I brought this... ''[coughs up a hairball]'' For you. And where should I put this? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, just put that in the bathroom, and don't spray anything! My mom's coming over. :'''Kitten with the Whip''': Hey, it's not like I'm in heat! ''[Mr. B Natural walks by]'' Although I uh... could be persuaded. :'''Dr. Forrester''': She's a guy. :'''Kitten with the Whip''': Aw... <hr width=50%/> :''[as a heavily intoxicated Jack Perkins and Mr. B Natural talk]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': I like you. You're funny. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Yep, Well um, I'm gonna go and do that thing I was- :'''Jack Perkins''': Mr. B Natural, ''God'' I can't believe you're a guy. :'''Mr. B Natural''': ''[nervously]'' Yep! Every bit of me, all man! :'''Jack Perkins''': Well then, so be it! I guess I'm just gonna have to trust my instincts on this one. Sir, allow me to kiss you. ''[kisses Mr. B Natural, much to the other's horror]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Forrester distributes beer to the guests while they swing a song Jack Perkins plays on the piano]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Boy that Perkins is really hot, huh? Eh, mom? MOTHER! Uh you're here- :'''Pearl''': Where's Frank? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, Frank is not here, mother. :'''Pearl''': Not here, Clayton? Oh good one, Clayton, I come all this way to s- Say... ''[fixes her hair]'' Jack has never looked better. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Happy Thanksgiving, mother. :'''Pearl''': Yeah, sure. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, you're just in time to see me take over the entire world, mom. :'''Pearl''': That's nice, dear. Say, who's the red-hooved one down there at the end? The cloven one, it is him! ''[pushes past Dr. Forrester]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, you're here. Listen, I need you to snap-to. My mom's here and I promised to take over the world before pie is served. So uh... help me out, and I won't destroy you. :'''Mike''': We'llllll think about it. Hey, it looks like you got a regular Playboy After Dark shindig going on there. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it's Frank. He invited them last April. Even in the afterlife, he mocks me. :'''Pearl''': So what is this, ''[[w:Star Trek: Voyager|Star Trek: Voyager]]'' or something? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh no no, mother, this is my experiment. Remember when I shot a- :'''Pearl''': Art? Is that you? :'''Crow''': Why Pearl, how good to see you! :'''Pearl''': Oh, Art, you rogue, it has been so long. :'''Crow''': Ah, you're looking radiant, Pearl. Ten years younger since the scars were sanded off! :'''Pearl''': Oh, you charmer, you! So, you work with my spawn. :'''Crow''': Yup. Pretty much run the place. ''[Servo clears his throat]'' Oh, these are the guys who work for me. === MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special === :''[a clip is shown from [[Forrest Gump]] ]'' :'''Forrest's Mother''': Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get! :''[cut back to Servo & Crow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, ''"Life is a like box of chocolates"''? Well I got a ''better'' analogy! "Life is like a '''''crap sandwich'''''! The more ''bread'' you got, the less ''crap'' you gotta take!" '''''Sheesh!''''' === MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === '''Crow''': Mike, stop yellin' and shootin' and killin', you woke me up. ==== The Fifth Element ==== :'''Crow''': ''[not understanding]'' Oh, the fifth element! Maybe it's a movie about [[w:Boron|boron]]? :'''Tom''': Oh I don't know, I only look at that chart ''[[w:Periodic table|periodically]]''! He he! ==== The Lost World: Jurassic Park ==== :'''Mike''': So what's the story in this movie? :'''Crow''': Mike, the real story is the signature [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] "Scenes of people looking". Let's watch. :'''Tom''': ''[Excited]'' Oh I know I will! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Pete Postlethwaite|Pete Postlethwaite]] in shorts? This movie is for the ladies! === MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === :'''Crow''': Our first movie is based on a [[w:The X-Files|television show]], which is a [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|ridiculous notion to begin with]]. ==== X-Files: Fight the Future ==== :''[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of [[w:Cigarette-Smoking Man|Sod-Laying Man]]! :'''Mulder''': Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Mulder]''': …unlike me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid on Bike''': You're not FBI agents! :'''Mulder''': How do ''you'' know? :'''Kid on Bike''': 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mulder]''': Yeah, well, you look like [[w:Howdy Doody|Howdy Doody]] with a headcold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mulder''': Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes? :'''Crow''': No, It was Bike-Gifting Man. ==== Ever After ==== :'''Baroness De Ghent''': We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The First [[w:Lutheran|Lutheran]]! : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': Your features are so… masculine. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as De Ghent]''': You look like [[w:Pat Summerall|Pat Summerall]]. : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': No wonder you're built for hard labour. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as De Ghent]''': You'll be giving birth to [[w:Paul Prudhomme|Paul Prudhomme]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]'' :'''Mike [as Danielle]''': I sneezed in my cocaine. ==== Halloween: H2O ==== :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Welcome back to the ''MST3K Blockbuster Review'', featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Um-hmm. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, ''Halloween Water'', which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. ==== The Truman Show ==== :''[Truman is talking to Lauren.]'' :'''Truman''': Would you wanna— :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Lauren]''': No. :'''Truman''': Maybe possibly— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Sometime— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday? :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': Well, oka— ''no''! :'''Lauren''': Yeah… I can't. :'''Truman''': Saturday? :'''Lauren''': I can't. :'''Truman''': Sunday-Monday-Tuesday? :''[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lauren]''': N-O! Th-the W is silent. ==== Saving Private Ryan ==== :'''Corporal Upham''': It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir. :'''Captain Miller''': Did you ''fire'' the weapon in basic training? :'''Corporal Upham''': Yes, sir. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Upham]''': But I shot my sergeant. ==== Godzilla (1998) ==== :'''Crow''': Um, folks? We'd ''like'' to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of ''G''[bleep]''a''. Even ''saying'' ''Go''[bleep]''la'' will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to ''God''[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us? :''[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming an iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]'' :'''Crow''': There! And it's [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]''zilla''." === MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special === ==== As Good As It Gets ==== :''[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]'' :'''Melvin''': Carol the Waitress, Simon the ''[audio cuts out]'' :'''Servo''': Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of ''Talk Soup''"? ==== Good Will Hunting ==== :'''Sean''': Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! :'''Crow''': Oh! I've read some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! === Assignment: Venezuela (short) === ::''NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.'' :''[On title screen]'' :'''Mike:''' I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]'' :'''Narrator''': The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th— :''[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': Was being sucked through a time portal. : . . . :''[They pass a building with a huge sign: ''GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL''.]'' :'''Narrator''': I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too! :'''Narrator''': Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]'' :'''Jim''': Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long. :'''Servo [as Jim]''': I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow. :'''Crow [as Jim]''': I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on ''all'' inland bodies of water. :. . . :''[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]'' :'''Mike [as Jim]''': I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do ''now'' is lick that language problem. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': … and Escobar here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]'' :'''Crow [as Wife]''': I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is shown around his future [[w:Quonset hut|Quonset-hut]] home by the present husband and wife occupants.]'' :'''Servo [as Wife]''': ''[in white-trash accent]'' The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': It's called ''[[w:Vietnam War#Vietnamization, 1969–1972|Venezuelalization]].'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to [[w:Simón Bolívar|the Liberator]], who led six South American nations to freedom. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I think it was [[w:Zorro|Zorro]] or something. === MST3K Live Social Distancing Riff-Along Special (2020) === ==== Moon Zero Two ==== ==== Circus Day (Short) ==== :'''Clown''': Welcome to clown alley... :'''GPC 2 [as the clown]''': Give me your wallet! :'''Clown''': This is where I get ready for the big show. :'''Servo [as the clown]''': That's what I call your nightmares. The big show. === Turkey Day 2020 === ==== Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket (short) ==== :'''Servo''': Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket: the story they didn't want us to tell. Filmed in cementascope. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': I'm the manager of the supermarket... :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': And also the town undertaker. :'''Narrator''': ... and this is my son, Johnny. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': It's his birthday, and he gets to spend two hours in the candy aisle. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': A supermarket is like many little markets or departments all brought together into one big building. Each department sells a different kind of food. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Putting all the smaller family owned markets out of business, thus ensuring that capitalism continues its nonstop roll toward oblivion. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Johnny and the manager open a rear bay door]'' :'''Emily [as the manager]''': That's the sun, Johnny. It's our friend. It keeps the zombies at bay. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Johnny helps unload a truck]'' :'''Emily [as Johnny]''': Dad, how is this going to help us find my sister? :'''Servo''': Ooh, sad... <hr width=50%/> :''[during a shot of a storage shelf]'' :'''Servo''': Hmm, I see beef stew, ravioli, Star Kist tuna, surplus DVDs of ''[[w:Jerry Maguire|Jerry Maguire]]'', they've got it all! <hr width=50%/> :''[as a butcher pushes hanging meat into a refrigerated room]'' :'''Emily [as Johnny]''': Dad, is this legal? :'''Servo [as the manager]''': Come on in, Johnny. I'd like you to meet my good friend, [[w:David Lynch|David Lynch]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': In this room, packages of meat are made ready for selling. Since food must be kept very clean, the packages are carefully wrapped and labeled. They're covered with cellophane, and then sealed with a hot iron. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': And a fresh slice of provolone. :'''Crow''': You know, this is how Coldstone Creamery got started. They just reversed the process. :'''Narrator''': Each package is weighed, and the weight and price are marked on the label. :'''Servo''': ''[as a butcher writes on a label]'' "Help, I'm being held captive in Mayfair Market." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, I check on some signs needed for tomorrow's sale. :'''Crow [as the manager]''': Have you seen my son? :'''Narrator''': I tell my sign maker what the sale price will be. The signs will be used in the windows of the market. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': I linger a bit longer to take in the smell of benzene. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': This is my secretary... :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': ''Mom???'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Now Johnny, how would you like to open the market? Just push this buzzer... :''[Johnny presses the buzzer]'' :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': ...and the bees will be released! ''[evil laugh]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': This work is all performed by silent robots. :'''Emily''': Hmmm, must be nice. :'''Crow and Servo''': Hey! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny and his mother have completed and paid for their shopping. Today, Johnny's learned that a great many things go on behind the scenes at a supermarket. :'''Crow''': Guys, I cannot ''wait'' for the next installment where they get bought out by a [[w:Trader Joe's|Trader Joe's]]. :'''Emily''': Ooooh... pumpkin spice. == Major cast == * [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]] — [[w:Joel Robinson|Joel Robinson]] (1989–1993) (1999) (2022)/Joel Hodgson (1988) * [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh Weinstein]] — [[w:Tom Servo|Tom Servo]]/[[w:Dr. Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Laurence Erhardt]] (1988–1989)/[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]] (1988) * [[w:Trace Beaulieu|Trace Beaulieu]] — [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]/[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Clayton Forrester]] (1988–1996, Turkey Day 2014) * [[w:Kevin Wagner Murphy|Kevin Murphy]] — Tom Servo (1990–1999)/[[w:Professor Bobo|Professor Bobo]] (1997–1999)/[[w:Cambot|Cambot]] (1988) * [[w:Jim Mallon|Jim Mallon]] — Gypsy (1989–1997) * [[w:Frank Conniff|Frank Conniff]] — [[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]] (1990–1995) * [[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael J. Nelson]] — [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike Nelson]] (1993–1999)/[[w:Jack Perkins|Jack Perkins]] (recurring) * [[w:Mary Jo Pehl|Mary Jo Pehl]] — [[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl Forrester]] (1994) (1996–1999)/[[w:Magic Voice|Magic Voice]] (1992–1994) * [[w:Bill Corbett|Bill Corbett]] — Crow T. Robot/Observer (1997–1999) * [[w:Patrick Brantseg|Patrick Brantseg]] — Gypsy (1997–1999) * [[w:Jonah Ray|Jonah Ray]] — [[w:Jonah Heston|Jonah Heston]] (2017–2018) * [[w:Baron Vaughn|Baron Vaughn]] — Tom Servo (2017–2018) * [[w:Hampton Yount|Hampton Yount]] — Crow T. Robot (2017–2018) * [[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] — Kinga Forrester (2017–2018) * [[Patton Oswalt]] — Max, TV’s Son of TV’s Frank (2017–2018) * Rebecca Hanson – Gypsy/Synthia Forrester (2017–2022) * Emily Marsh — Emily Connor, (2022) * Kelsey Ann Brady — [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]] (2022) == Guest Stars == *[[w:Leonard Maltin|Leonard Maltin]] - Himself (1998) *[[w:Neil Patrick Harris|Neil Patrick Harris]] – Neville Laroy (2017) *[[Jerry Seinfeld]] - Freak Masterstroke (2017) *[[w:Mark Hamill|Mark Hamill]] - P.T. Mindslap (2017) == See also == * [[Television shows]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikipedia|List of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes}} * {{imdb title|0094517|Mystery Science Theater 3000}} * {{imdb title|0117128|Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie}} * [http://www.mst3kinfo.com/index.html The Satellite News]: The Official MST3K Fan Site * [http://forrestcrow.proboards47.com MST3K: The Discussion Board]: Satellite News endorsed and largest MST3K discussion board [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Comedy Central shows]] [[Category:Syfy shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]] [[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] [[Category:1990s American comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1980s American comedy TV shows]] 9cb44vt6cf256fdi0g07izk3kc7f1z0 0 2595 3944514 3940738 2026-05-23T15:44:00Z ~2026-30555-31 3327523 /* F */ Figalli 3944514 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Woman teaching geometry.jpg|thumb| Philosophy is written in that great book which ever lies before our eyes — I mean the universe — but we cannot understand it if we do not first learn the language and grasp the symbols, in which it is written. This book is written in the mathematical language, and the symbols are triangles, circles and other geometrical figures, without whose help it is [https://shaazseoagency.ae shaaz seo agency] impossible to comprehend a single word of it; without which one wanders in vain through a dark labyrinth. —[[Galileo Galilei]]]] '''[[w:Mathematics|Mathematics]]''' is the body of knowledge centered on concepts such as quantity, structure, space, and change, and the academic discipline which studies them. __NOTOC__ :{{center/s}}<small><b>CONTENTS</b><br />Quotes by mathematicians and philosophers</small><br />[[#A|A]], [[#B|B]], [[#C|C]], [[#D|D]], [[#E|E]], [[#F|F]], [[#G|G]], [[#H|H]], [[#I-J|I-J]], [[#K|K]], [[#L|L]], [[#M|M]], [[#N|N]], [[#O|O]], [[#P|P]], [[#Q|Q]], [[#R|R]], [[#S|S]], [[#T|T]], [[#U|U]], [[#W|W]], [[#Y-Z|Y-Z]]<br /><small>Quotes that mention mathematics</small><br />[[#A'-C'|A'-C']], [[#D'-L'|D'-L']], [[#M'-Z'|M'-Z']]<br />[[#Misattributed|Misattributed]], [[#See also|See also]]{{center/e}} == Quotes by mathematicians and philosophers == [[File:Maxwell'sEquations.svg|thumb|It was mathematics, the non-empirical science par excellence, wherein the mind appears to play only with itself, that turned out to be the science of sciences, delivering the key to those laws of nature and the universe that are concealed by appearances. ~ [[Hannah Arendt]]]] <!-- [[File:Pythagoras proof.svg|thumb|right]] --> <!-- alphabetical by author --> ===A=== * Rather like the way the Hubble Space Telescope has made a significant contribution to astronomy in enabling astronomers to discover hidden structures and properties of our distant universe, dynamic geometry software has allowed new worlds to become viewable and tangible in mathematics and particularly in geometry. ** [[Hussein Abdelfatah]], ''[https://phka.bsz-bw.de/frontdoor/deliver/index/docId/3/file/hussein_abdelfatah.pdf Hussein Abdelfatah Ph.D.]'', Karlsruhe Germany (2011). * Any author who uses mathematics should always express in ordinary language the meaning of the assumptions he admits, as well as the significance of the results obtained. The more abstract his theory, the more imperative this obligation. In fact, mathematics are and can only be a tool to explore reality. In this exploration, mathematics do not constitute an end in itself, they are and can only be a means. **[[Maurice Allais]], ''[http://www.canalacademie.com/Maurice-Allais-la-formation.html La formation scientifique, Une communication du Prix Nobel d’économie, Maurice Allais]'', address to the Académie des Sciences Morales et Politiques (1997). * Mathematics is not a careful march down a well-cleared [[highway]], but a journey into a strange wilderness, where the explorers often get lost. Rigour should be a signal to the historian that the maps have been made, and the real explorers have gone elsewhere. ** W. S. Anglin, in "Mathematics and History", ''Mathematical Intelligencer'' '''14'''(4), 1992, p. 10; elucidating the symmetry between the creative and logical aspects of mathematics. * In doing mathematics, I express something personal. It is a source of joy to know that, despite this personal aspect, the fruit of my work can be of interest to other mathematicians. ** Nalini Anantharaman, ''Women in Mathematics Throughout Europe. A Gallery of Portraits'' (2016). * It was mathematics, the non-empirical science par excellence, wherein the mind appears to play only with itself, that turned out to be the science of sciences, delivering the key to those laws of nature and the universe that are concealed by appearances. ** [[Hannah Arendt]], ''The Life of the Mind'' (1971), p. 7. * Now comes the [[EPR paradox|Einstein–Podolsky–Rosen]] [[Quantum entanglement|entangled state]]. Now I see faces, people saying, "Oh..?" '''Don't worry! When you go to the concert, you don't need to be able to read the music, to enjoy the music. ...So here'''... [are] '''equations.''' It's a pleasure for my colleague physicists. If you can't read the equation, listen to me. '''I'm not going to sing, but... listen to the words... the words are... a way of describing the equations, and you don't need to know the mathematics'''... ** [[Alain Aspect]], "2017 Andrew Carnegie Lecture: Professor Alain Aspect" (May 4, 2017) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qh6IHVs6MI&t=974s 16:14-16:55] @Official University of Glasgow Alumni YouTube channel. ===B=== *If in other sciences we should arrive at certainty without doubt and truth without error, it behooves us to place the foundations of knowledge in mathematics. **[[Roger Bacon]] ''Opus Majus'', Book 1, Chapter 4. * Confused is of course the best state a mathematician can be in; the struggle out of that state is the primary drive for progress. ** Dror Bar-Natan, [http://www.math.toronto.edu/~drorbn/Misc/ResearchStatement05.pdf Dror Bar-Natan's Research Statement for 2005]. * '''If a 'religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains unprovable statements, then Gödel taught us that mathematics is not only a religion, it is the only religion that can prove itself to be one.'''<!-- Ch. 5, p. 211 --> ** [[John D. Barrow]], ''The Artful Universe'' (1995). * '''Where there is life there is a pattern, and where there is a pattern there is mathematics. Once that germ of rationality and order exists to turn a chaos into a cosmos, then so does mathematics.''' There could not be a non-mathematical Universe containing living observers.<!-- Ch. 5, p. 230 --> ** [[John D. Barrow]], ''The Artful Universe'' (1995). * We say that the [[w:String (computer science)|string]] is 'random' if there is no other representation of the string which is shorter than itself. But we will say that it is 'non-random' if there does exist such an abbreviated representation. ...In general, the shorter the possible representation... the less random... On this view '''we recognize science to be the search for algorithmic compressions.''' ...It is simplest to think of mathematics as the catalogue of all possible patterns. ...'''When viewed in this way, it is inevitable that the world is described by mathematics.''' ...In many ways the search for a [[w:Theory of everything|Theory of Everything]] is a manifestation of a faith that this compression goes all the way down to the bedrock of reality... ** [[John D. Barrow]], ''New Theories of Everything'' (2007). * '''Mathematics became an experimental subject.''' Individuals could follow previously intractable problems by simply watching what happened when they were programmed into a personal computer. ...'''The PC revolution has made science more visual and more immediate ...by creating films of imaginary experiences of mathematical worlds.''' ...Words are no longer enough. ** [[John D. Barrow]], ''Cosmic Imagery: Key Images in the History of Science'' (2008). * Something more than impeccable logic is required in mathematics. An expert logician will not necessarily be a passable mathematician for all his skill in logic, any more than a scholarly [[wiktionary:prosody#Noun|prosodist]] will be a respectable poet for all his mastery of meter. ** [[Eric Temple Bell]], ''[https://archive.org/details/MathematicsQueenAndServantOfScience Mathematics, Queen and Servant of Science]'' (1952) p. 19. * A narrative of the decisive epochs in the development of mathematics was wanted. ...Numerous professionals... know from hard experience what mathematical invention means. ...Whoever has himself attempted to advance mathematics is inclined to be more skeptical than the average spectator toward any alleged anticipation of notable progress. ...often what looks like an anticipation ...was not even aimed in the right direction. ...when at length progress started; it proceeded along lines totally different from those which, in retrospect, it 'should' have followed.<!--pp.vi-viii--> ** [[Eric Temple Bell]], ''The Development of Mathematics'' (1940). * Nearly always '''it is the recondite and complicated which is elaborated first'''; and '''it is only when some relatively unsophisticated mind attacks a problem that its deep simplicity is revealed.''' ** [[Eric Temple Bell]], ''The Development of Mathematics'' (1940). * Ruth felt that math was like sex—get all you can, but best not done in public. ** [[Gregory Benford]], ''The Sigma Structure Symphony'' (2012), reprinted in [[w:Paula Guran|Paula Guran]] (ed.), ''Ex Libris: Stories of Librarians, Libraries & Lore'' (p. 331) * “It’s magic,” the chief cook concluded, in awe.<br>“No, not magic,” the ship’s doctor replied. “It’s much more. It’s ''mathematics.”'' ** [[David Brin]], ''[[w:Glory Season|Glory Season]]'' (1993), chapter 24. * Maths is really hard to define. ...Except I like to define maths as this{{center|1=<math>\frac{\pi}{4} = 1 - \frac{1}{3} + \frac{1}{5} - \frac{1}{7} + \frac{1}{9} - \frac{1}{11}\cdots</math>}}[[w:Leibniz formula for π|This formula]] which links [[π]] to the [[w:Parity (mathematics)|odd numbers]]... It's [[Truth|true]]. [[Eternity|It's always been there]]. It's absolutely [[wonder]]ful. It connects odd numbers to the ratio of a [[Circles|circle]], and... if you don't like that, then you have no mathematical [[soul]]. ** [[w:Christopher Budd (mathematician)|Christopher Budd]], "What Have Mathematicians Done for Us" (2016) from {{w|Gresham College}} Mathematical Lecture Series or Geometry Lecture Series. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTCCJ4O9d0w&t=223s A YouTube video source: 3:43-4:43] (Posted Dec 1, 2016). * The analytical geometry of [[René Descartes|Descartes]] and the calculus of [[Isaac Newton|Newton]] and [[Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz|Leibniz]] have expanded into the marvelous mathematical method—more daring than anything that the history of philosophy records—of [[Nikolai Lobachevsky|Lobachevsky]] and [[Bernhard Riemann|Riemann]], [[Carl Friedrich Gauss|Gauss]] and [[James Joseph Sylvester|Sylvester]]. Indeed, mathematics, the indispensable tool of the sciences, defying the senses to follow its splendid flights, is demonstrating today, as it never has been demonstrated before, the supremacy of the pure reason. ** [[Nicholas Murray Butler]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=H9cKAAAAIAAJ The Meaning of Education and other Essays and Addresses]'' (1898) p. 45 as quoted by [[Robert Édouard Moritz]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=G0wtAAAAYAAJ Memorabilia Mathematica; Or, The Philomath's Quotation-book]'' (1914). ===C=== * Over time you will get the wrong answer more times than you get the right answer. That’s not a problem! You’ve learnt what doesn’t work, just try again. ** Sophie Carr, [http://www.womanthology.co.uk/maths-around-increasing-probability-girls-will-pursue-mathematics-related-careers-dr-sophie-carr-founder-bays-consulting/ "Maths is all around: Increasing the probability that more girls will pursue mathematics related careers – Dr. Sophie Carr, Founder of Bays Consulting"] (Womanthology, 2018). * I would myself say that the purely imaginary objects are the only realities, the ''ὂντως ὂντα'' [truest things], in regard to which the corresponding physical objects are as the shadows in the cave; and it is only by means of them that we are able to deny the existence of a corresponding physical object; and if there is no conception of straightness, then it is meaningless to deny the conception of a perfectly straight line. ** [[w:Arthur Cayley|Arthur Cayley]], ''Presidential address British Association for the Advancement of Science'', Southport (1883) as quoted by [[Nicholas Murray Butler]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=H9cKAAAAIAAJ The Meaning of Education: And Other Essays and Addresses]'' (1898). * You don’t need anybody’s permission to be a great mathematician! ** Nira Chamberlain, [https://ima.org.uk/3793/raising-profile-black-mathematicians/ Raising the Profile of Black Mathematicians], ''Mathematics Today'', 52(2) (2016). * This statistical regularity in moral affairs fully establishes their being under the presidency of law. '''Man is now seen to be an enigma only as an individual; in the mass he is a mathematical problem.''' ** [[Robert Chambers (publisher born 1802)|Robert Chambers]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=H9cDAAAAQAAJ Vestiges of the Natural History of Creation]'' (1844). * Geometry is that of mathematical science which is devoted to consideration of form and size, and may be said to be the best and surest guide to study of all sciences in which ideas of dimension or space are involved. Almost all the knowledge required by navigators, architects, surveyors, engineers, and opticians, in their respective occupations, is deduced from geometry and branches of mathematics. All works of art are constructed according to the rules which geometry involves; and we find the same laws observed in the works of nature. The study of mathematics, generally, is also of great importance in cultivating habits of exact reasoning; and in this respect it forms a useful auxiliary to logic. ** [[Robert Chambers (publisher born 1802)|Robert Chambers]], ''Chambers's Information for the People'' (1875). [https://books.google.com/books?id=vNpTAAAAYAAJ Vol. 2] * There is probably no other science which presents such different appearances to one who cultivates and one who does not, as mathematics. To [the non-mathematician] it is ancient, venerable, and complete; a body of dry, irrefutable, unambiguous reasoning. To the mathematician, on the other hand, his science is yet in the purple of bloom of vigorous youth, everywhere stretching out after the "attainable but unattained," and full of the excitement of nascent thoughts; its logic is beset with ambiguities, and its analytic processes, like [[John Bunyan|Bunyan's]] road, have a quagmire on one side and a deep ditch on the other, and branch off into innumerable by-paths that end in a wilderness. ** C. H. Chapman, Review of Sophus Lie's ''Theorie der Transformationsgruppen'' (1892) ''Bulletin of the New York Mathematical Society'' 2, p. 61. * Mathematics is the study of anything that obeys the rules of logic, using the rules of logic. ** {{w|Eugenia Cheng}}, [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=UzKVBgAAQBAJ&pg=PT14&dq=Mathematics+is+the+study+of+anything+that+obeys+the+rules+of+logic+cheng&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwj49cP_iIDbAhWKSsAKHXZFCiQQ6AEIKTAA#v=onepage&q=Mathematics%20is%20the%20study%20of%20anything%20that%20obeys%20the%20rules%20of%20logic%20cheng&f=false "How to Bake Pi: Easy recipes for understanding complex maths"] (2015). * The theory of the nature of mathematics is extremely [[wikt:reactionary#Adjective|reactionary]]. We do not subscribe to the fairly recent notion that mathematics is an abstract language based, say, on set theory. In many ways, it is unfortunate that philosophers and mathematicians like [[Bertrand Russell|Russell]] and [[David Hilbert|Hilbert]] were able to tell such a convincing story about the meaning-free formalism of mathematics. In Greek, mathematics simply meant learning, and we have adapted this... to define the term as "learning to decide." Mathematics is a way of preparing for decisions through thinking. Sets and classes provide one way to subdivide a problem for decision preparation; a set derives its meaning from decision making, and not vice versa. ** [[C. West Churchman]], Leonard Auerbach, Simcha Sadan, ''Thinking for Decisions: Deductive Quantitative Methods'' (1975) Preface. * '''[F]inding direct measurement so often impossible, we are compelled to devise means of doing it indirectly. Hence arose Mathematics.''' ** [[Auguste Comte]], ''[[The Positive Philosophy of Auguste Comte]]'' (1853) Tr. [[Harriet Martineau]], from ''Cours de philosophie positive'' (1830–1842). See also 1896 edition, Vol. 1, Book 1. Mathematics. Ch. 1. [https://archive.org/details/positivephilosop01comt/page/38/mode/1up?view=theater p. 38.] * To many, mathematics is a collection of theorems. For me, mathematics is a collection of examples; a theorem is a statement about a collection of examples and the purpose of proving theorems is to classify and explain the examples... ** {{w|John B. Conway}}, ''Subnormal Operators'' (1981) Research Notes in Math., 51, Pitman Advanced Publishing Program, Boston-London-Melbourne, ISBN 0-8218-2184-9. * The study of mathematics is the indispensable basis for all intellectual and spiritual progress. ** [[w:F.M. Cornford|F.M. Cornford]] (1874-1943), summarizing a central tenet of [[w:Pythagoreanism|Pythagoreanism]].[http://books.google.co.uk/books?id=mwDYtJWRz88C&pg=PA43&lpg=PA43&dq=indispensable+basis+for+all+intellectual+and+spiritual+progress&source=bl&ots=qShV-Z89pX&sig=2NCbwLwuzNxPhXSFObmvgRi2U_w&hl=en&sa=X&ei=ZaNkU5HLLIWjPdzzgYAH&ved=0CC4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=indispensable%20basis%20for%20all%20intellectual%20and%20spiritual%20progress&f=false] ===D=== * The progress of mathematics has been most erratic, and... intuition has played a predominant rôle in it. ...It was the function of intuition to create new forms; it was the acknowledged right of logic to accept or reject these new forms, ''in whose birth it had no part''. ...the children had to live, so while waiting for logic to sanctify their existence, they throve and multiplied.<!--pp.188-189--> ** [[Tobias Dantzig]], ''[[w:Number: The Language of Science|Number: The Language of Science]]'' (1930). * Between the philosopher's attitude towards the issue of reality and that of the mathematician there is this essential difference: for the philosopher the issue is paramount; the mathematician's love for reality is purely platonic.<!--p.240--> ** Tobias Dantzig, ''Number: The Language of Science'' (1930). * The mathematician may be compared to a designer of garments, who is utterly oblivious of the creatures whom his garments may fit. ...The conic sections, invented in an attempt to solve the problem of [[w:Doubling the cube|doubling the altar]] of an oracle, ended by becoming the orbits followed by the planets... The imaginary magnitudes invented by [[Gerolamo Cardano|Cardan]] and [[w:Rafael Bombelli|Bombelli]] describe... the characteristic features of alternating currents. The [[w:Riemannian geometry|absolute differential calculus]], which originated as a fantasy of [[Bernhard Riemann|Reimann]], became the mathematical model for the theory of Relativity. And the matrices which were a complete abstraction in the days of [[w:Arthur Cayley|Cayley]] and [[James Joseph Sylvester|Sylvester]] appear admirably adapted to the... quantum of the atom.<!--pp.240-241--> ** [[Tobias Dantzig]], ''Number: The Language of Science'' (1930). * The thing with mathematics is we keep thinking about how things work. And once you figure it out, you then see other things, connections and so on. And two weeks later it's so obvious that you could kick yourself for not having thought of it sooner. The high doesn't last! So you have to enjoy it as long as it does last. ** [[w:Ingrid Daubechies|Ingrid Daubechies]], L'Oréal-UNESCO Laureate for North America interview (2019) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUgfySuFBCA] * Underpinning everything... are the laws of physics. These remarkably ingenious laws are able to permit matter to self-organize to the point where consciousness emerges in the cosmos—mind from matter—and the most striking product of the human mind is mathematics. This is the baffling thing. Mathematics is... produced by the human mind. Yet if we ask where mathematics works best, it is in areas like particle physics and astrophysics, areas of fundamental science that are very, very far removed from everyday affairs. ...at the opposite end of spectrum of complexity from the human brain. ...a product of the most complex system we know in nature, the human brain, finds a consonance with the underlying, simplest and most fundamental level, the basic building blocks that make up the world.<!--p.127--> ** [[w:Paul Davies|Paul Davies]], ''Are We Alone?: Philosophical Implications of the Discovery of Extraterrestrial Life'' (1995). * It suggests to me that consciousness and our ability to do mathematics are no mere accident, no trivial detail, no insignificant by-product of evolution that is piggy-backing on some other mundane property. It points to what I like to call the cosmic connection, the existence of a really deep relationship between minds that can do mathematics and the underlying laws of nature that produce them. We have a closed system of consistency here: the laws of physics produce complex systems, and these complex systems lead to consciousness, which then produces mathematics, which can encode... the very laws of physics that gave rise to it. ** [[w:Paul Davies|Paul Davies]], ''Are We Alone?: Philosophical Implications of the Discovery of Extraterrestrial Life'' (1995). * Physicists have been drawn to elegant mathematical relationships that bind the subject together with economy and style, melding disparate qualities in subtle and harmonious ways. But this is to import a new factor into the argument—questions of aesthetics and taste. We are then on shaky ground indeed. It may be that [[w:M-theory|M theory]] looks beautiful to its creators, but ugly to N theorists, who think that their theory is the most elegant. But then the O theorists disagree with both groups... ** [[w:Paul Davies|Paul Davies]], ''Cosmic Jackpot: Why Our Universe Is Just Right for Life'' (2007). * Mathematics, in an earlier view, is the science of space and quantity; in a later view, it is the science of pattern and deductive structure. Since the Greeks, mathematics is also the science of the infinite. ** {{w|Philip J. Davis}}, {{w|Reuben Hersh}}, ''The Mathematical Experience'' (1980). * Our ignorance of this beautiful subject -- a tree of ideas with ancient roots and modern fruit -- is profound and beset with fear, superstition, and misinformation.<!-- p. 132 --> ** Paul J. Davis, "What Should the Public Know about Mathematics?", ''Daedalus'' (Winter, 1992). * A marveilous newtrality have these things mathematicall and also a strange participation between things supernaturall, imortall, intellectuall, simple and indivisible, and things naturall, mortall, sensible, compounded and divisible. ** [[John Dee]], ''The mathematicall praeface to the Elements of geometrie of Euclid of Megara'' (1570) as editor of Euclid's ''Elements'', translated by {{w|Henry Billingsley}}. * The nature of mathematical demonstration is totally different from all other, and the difference consists in this—that, instead of showing the contrary of the proposition asserted to be only improbable, it proves it at once to be absurd and impossible. This is done by showing that the contrary of the proposition which is asserted is in direct contradiction to some extremely evident fact, of the truth of which our eyes and hands convince us. ** [[Augustus De Morgan]], ''On the Study and Difficulties of Mathematics'' (1831) p. 2. * We know that mathematicians care no more for [[logic]] than logicians for mathematics. The two eyes of exact [[science]] are mathematics and logic: the mathematical sect puts out the logical eye, the logical sect puts out the mathematical eye; each believing that it can see better with one eye than with two. ** [[Augustus De Morgan]], as quoted by [[Florian Cajori]], ''A History of Mathematics'' (1894) [https://archive.org/details/ahistorymathema01cajogoog/page/n335/mode/1up? p. 316.] * With a view to summon myself to the search for a science of mathematics in general, I asked myself... what precisely was the meaning of this word ''mathematics'', and why arithmetic and geometry only, and not also astronomy, music, optics, mechanics, and so many other sciences, should be considered as forming a part of it; for it is not enough here to know the etymology of the word. In reality the word ''mathematics'' meaning nothing but ''science'', those which I have just named have as much right as geometry to be called ''mathematics''; and nevertheless there is no one, however little instructed, who cannot distinguish at once what belongs to mathematics... from what belongs to the other sciences. But... all the sciences which have for their end investigations concerning order and measure, are related to mathematics, it being of small importance whether this measure be sought in numbers, forms, stars, sounds, or any other object; that, accordingly, there ought to exist a general science which should explain all that can be known about order and measure, considered independently of any application to a particular subject, and that, indeed, this science has its own proper name, consecrated by long usage, to wit, mathematics... ** [[René Descartes]], Rule IV: "Necessity of Method in the Search for Truth," "Rules for the Direction of the Mind," Part I of ''Discourse Upon Method'' in ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=ZmUIAQAAIAAJ The Philosophy of Descartes: In Extracts from His Writing]'' pp. 71-72, Tr. Henry A. P. Torrey. * Mathematics in itself, as I say, is independent of experience. It begins with the free choice of symbols, to which are freely assigned properties, and it then proceeds to deduce the necessary rational implications of those properties. ** [[w:Herbert Dingle|Herbert Dingle]], ''Science at the Crossroads'' (1972), p. 84. * It seems to be one of the fundamental features of nature that fundamental physical laws are described in terms of a mathematical theory of great beauty and power, needing quite a high standard of mathematics for one to understand it. You may wonder: Why is nature constructed along these lines? One can only answer that our present knowledge seems to show that nature is so constructed. We simply have to accept it. One could perhaps describe the situation by saying that God is a mathematician of a very high order, and He used very advanced mathematics in constructing the universe. Our feeble attempts at mathematics enable us to understand a bit of the universe, and as we proceed to develop higher and higher mathematics we can hope to understand the universe better. ** [[Paul Dirac]], "The Evolution of the Physicist's Picture of Nature," ''Scientific American'' (May, 1963). * Recreational mathematics is a splendid hobby which young and old can equally enjoy. The popularity of Sudoku shows that an aptitude for recreational mathematics is widespread in the population. From Sudoku it is easy to ascend to mathematical pursuits that offer more scope for imagination and originality. ** Freeman Dyson, in "Foreword: Recreational Mathematics", ''The Best Writing on Mathematics 2011'' (2011). ===E=== * We tend to think of maths as being an 'exact' discipline, where answers are right or wrong. And it's true that there is a huge part of maths that is about exactness. But in everyday life, numerical answers are sometimes just the start of the debate. If we are trained to believe that every numerical question has a definite, 'right' answer then we miss the fact that numbers in the real world are a lot fuzzier than pure maths might suggest. ** Rob Eastaway, ''Maths on the Back of an Envelope'' (2019). * I shall here present the view that numbers, even whole numbers, are words, parts of speech, and that mathematics is their grammar. Numbers were therefore invented by people in the same sense that language, both written and spoken, was invented. Grammar is also an invention. Words and numbers have no existence separate from the people who use them. Knowledge of mathematics is transmitted from one generation to another, and it changes in the same slow way that language changes. Continuity is provided by the process of oral or written transmission. ** [[Carl Eckart]], ''Our Modern Idol: Mathematical Science'' (1984), p. 95. * Proof is the idol before whom the pure mathematician tortures himself. ** [[Arthur Eddington]], ''The Nature of the Physical World'' (1928). * “There’s more to life than mathematics,” Joan said. “But not much more.” ** [[Greg Egan|Greg Egan]], ''Glory'' (2007) in [[w:Gardner Dozois|Gardner Dozois]] & [[w:Jonathan Strahan|Jonathan Strahan]] (eds.) ''[[w:The New Space Opera|The New Space Opera]]'' (mass market paperback edition, {{ISBN|978-0-06-135041-2}}), p. 126 * In so far as theories of mathematics speak about reality, they are not certain, and in so far as they are certain, they do not speak about reality. ** [[Albert Einstein]], ''Geometrie and Erfahrung'' (1921) pp. 3 f. as cited by [[Karl Popper]], ''The Two Fundamental Problems of the Theory of Knowledge'' (2014) Tr. Andreas Pickel, Ed. Troels Eggers Hansen. * It is my conviction that '''pure mathematical construction enables us to discover the concepts and the laws''' connecting them, '''which give us the key to the understanding of the phenomena of Nature'''. ** [[Albert Einstein]], ''On the Method of Theoretical Physics'' (1933) Lecture at the University of Oxford, as quoted in ''Mathematics Magazine'' (1990) Vol. 63., p. 237. * '''There is no royal road to geometry.''' (μή εἶναι βασιλικήν ἀτραπόν ἐπί γεωμετρίαν, ''Non est regia [inquit Euclides] ad Geometriam via'') ** [[Euclid]], alleged reply when [[w:Ptolemy I Soter|Ptolemy I Soter]] asked him if there was a shorter road to learning geometry than through Euclid's ''Elements''. ===F=== * If you are interested in the ultimate character of the physical world, or the complete world, and at the present time our only way to understand that is through the mathematical type of reasoning... the great depth of character of the universality of the laws, the relationships of things... I don't know any other way to do it, we don't know any other way to describe it accurately... or to see the interrelationships without it... don't misunderstand me, there are many, many aspects of the world that mathematics is unnecessary for... but we were talking about physics... to not know mathematics is a severe limitation in understanding the world. ** [[Richard Feynman]], "The Rules of the Game," ''[[w:The Pleasure of Finding Things Out|The Pleasure of Finding Things Out]]'' (1999). * Mathematics offers a common language across borders. It is a real joy. ** Alice Fialowski, ''Women in Mathematics Throughout Europe. A Gallery of Portraits'' (2016). *In a world where everything is unpredictable, mathematics brings peace of mind. There is something eternal about it, because once a theorem has been proven, it remains so forever. It is a creative and ever-evolving discipline. :*[[Alessio Figalli]], from an interview by Eleonora Chioda, ''[https://www.corriere.it/economia/meravigliosamente/26_maggio_21/alessio-figalli-che-ha-dimostrato-il-movimento-delle-nuvole-la-matematica-e-una-vita-di-fallimenti-va-accettato-ai-ragazzi-non.shtml Alessio Figalli, che ha dimostrato il movimento delle nuvole: «La matematica insegna a fallire. Ai ragazzi non dite mai più "Non sei portato"»]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 26 May 2021. * Mathematics is a tool which ideally permits mediocre minds to solve complicated problems expeditiously. ** [[w:Abbott-Firestone curve|Floyd Alburn Firestone]], ''Vibration and Sound'' (1939) 2nd ed., p. 8, as quoted by [[w:Raymond Louis Wilder|Raymond L. Wilder]], "The Nature of Modern Mathematics," ''The Evolution of the Science of Numbers'', ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=jCfiAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA302 Quarterly Review of the Michigan Alumnus]'', Vol. 65, 1958-1959, p. 302. * The analytical equations, unknown to the ancient geometers, which [[René Descartes|Descartes]] was the first to introduce into the study of curves and surfaces, are not restricted to the properties of figures, and to those properties which are the object of rational mechanics; they extend to all general phenomena. There cannot be a language more universal and more simple, more free from errors and from obscurities, that is to say more worthy to express the invariable relations of natural things.<br />Considered from this point of view, [[mathematical analysis]] is as extensive as nature itself; it defines all perceptible relations, measures times, spaces, forces, temperatures; this difficult science is formed slowly, but it preserves every principle which it has once acquired; it grows and strengthens itself incessantly in the midst of the many variations and errors of the human mind.<br />Its chief attribute is clearness; it has no marks to express confused notions. It brings together phenomena the most diverse, and discovers the hidden analogies which unite them.<!--p.7--> ** [[Joseph Fourier]], ''[http://www.archive.org/details/analyticaltheory00fourrich The Analytical Theory of Heat]'' (1878) Preliminary Discourse, p.7. * Numbers exist only in our minds. There is no physical entity that is number 1. If there were, 1 would be in a place of honor in some great museum of science, and past it would file a steady stream of mathematicians gazing at 1 in wonder and awe. ** John B. Fraleigh, Raymond A. Beauregard, ''Linear Algebra'' (1995). * I united the majority of well-informed persons into a club, which we called by the name of the ''Junto,'' and the object of which was to improve our understandings. ... The first members of our club were...<br />[[w:Thomas Godfrey (inventor)|Thomas Godfrey]], a self-taught mathematician, and afterwards inventor of what is now called [[w:Octant (instrument)#The inventors of the octant|Hadley's dial]]; but he had little knowledge out of his own line, and was insupportable in company, always requiring, like the majority of mathematicians that have fallen in my way, an unusual precision in everything that is said, continually contradicting, or making trifling distinctions—a sure way of defeating all the ends of conversation. He very soon left us. ** [[Benjamin Franklin]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=y_tdAAAAcAAJ The Life and Miscellaneous Writings of Benjamin Franklin]'' (1839). * Mathematics ought properly to be a model of logical clarity. In actual fact there are perhaps no scientific works where you will find more wrong expressions, and consequently wrong thoughts, than in mathematical ones. ** [[Gottlob Frege]], ''What is a Function?'' (1904). * The forbidding symbols and equations are just another language: code for beautiful ideas that often find surprising uses in the ordinary world we all live in. ** Marianne Freiberger & Rachel Thomas (of {{w|Plus Magazine}}), [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dluwoAEACAAJ&dq=numericon&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiz7MG39f_aAhXKL8AKHSlMA2cQ6AEILTAA "Numericon"] p. vi. (2015). * Maths is the language spoken by all the sciences, taking us to the frontiers of knowledge, from the workings of the Universe to the workings of our minds, which enabled us to dream it all up in the first place. ** Marianne Freiberger & Rachel Thomas (of {{w|Plus Magazine}}), [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dluwoAEACAAJ&dq=numericon&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiz7MG39f_aAhXKL8AKHSlMA2cQ6AEILTAA "Numericon"] p. vii. (2015). * For many, maths is fundamentally beautiful; indeed many mathematicians won’t be entirely satisfied with their work until it has an elegance, simplicity and grace. Others are drawn by its ‘unreasonable effectiveness’ - its power to explain the world we live in. ** Marianne Freiberger & Rachel Thomas (of {{w|Plus Magazine}}), [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dluwoAEACAAJ&dq=numericon&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiz7MG39f_aAhXKL8AKHSlMA2cQ6AEILTAA "Numericon"] p. vii. (2015). * It might have been beans, successful hunts, or victories in battle, but, for millennia, people were using maths to describe things - counting them, measuring them, dividing them up. ** Marianne Freiberger & Rachel Thomas (of {{w|Plus Magazine}}), [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dluwoAEACAAJ&dq=numericon&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiz7MG39f_aAhXKL8AKHSlMA2cQ6AEILTAA "Numericon"] p. 1. (2015). * It is a truth universally acknowledged … that ε (pronounced ‘epsilon’) is always a very small number, and usually comes with a δ (pronounced ‘delta’). ** Marianne Freiberger & Rachel Thomas (of {{w|Plus Magazine}}), [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=dluwoAEACAAJ&dq=numericon&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiz7MG39f_aAhXKL8AKHSlMA2cQ6AEILTAA "Numericon"] p. 188. (2015). * It's a lonely profession. ** [[Edward Frenkel]], {{cite journal|title=Edward Frenkel: Reality is a Paradox - Mathematics, Physics, Truth & Love {{!}} Lex Fridman Podcast #370|journal=Lex Fridman, YouTube|date=April 2023|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osh0-J3T2nY&t=10262s}} (quote at 2:51:02 of 3:46:38 in video) * An arguing couple spiraling into negativity and teetering on the brink of divorce is actually mathematically equivalent to the beginning of a nuclear war. ** [[w:Hannah Fry|Hannah Fry]], [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=Gk5rBgAAQBAJ&pg=PA104&lpg=PA104&dq=%22An+arguing+couple+spiraling+into+negativity+and+teetering+on+the+brink+of+divorce+is+actually+mathematically+equivalent+to+the+beginning+of+a+nuclear+war.%22|''The Mathematics of Love''] (2015), p. 104. * You can’t think of maths just as this abstract thing that exists only in isolation. I genuinely struggle to find a topic where maths can’t offer you at least some use or insight. ** [[w:Hannah Fry|Hannah Fry]], [http://chalkdustmagazine.com/interviews/in-conversation-with-dr-hannah-fry/ In conversation with Hannah Fry] Chalkdust Magazine (2015). * There’s barely any aspect of our modern lives that hasn’t had a mathematical contribution at some point and yet, if you asked the average person, they might think that maths is just difficult, irrelevant and uninteresting. ** [[w:Hannah Fry|Hannah Fry]], [https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/jun/19/hannah-fry-interview-maths Guardian] Interview (2016). ===G=== * What has philosophy got to do with measuring anything? It's the mathematicians you have to trust, and they measure the skies like we measure a field. ** [[Galileo Galilei]], ''Concerning the New Star'' (1606). * Philosophy is written in that great book which ever lies before our eyes — I mean the universe — but we cannot understand it if we do not first learn the language and grasp the symbols, in which it is written. This book is written in the mathematical language, and the symbols are triangles, circles and other geometrical figures, without whose help it is impossible to comprehend a single word of it; without which one wanders in vain through a dark labyrinth. ** [[Galileo Galilei]], ''The Assayer'' (1623) as quoted by [[Edwin Arthur Burtt]] in ''[[The Metaphysical Foundations of Modern Physical Science]]'' (1924), p. 64. * Humane wis­dom understandeth some propositions so perfectly, and is as abso­lutely certain thereof, as Nature herself; and such are the pure Mathematical sciences, to wit, Geometry and Arithmetick: in which Divine Wisdom knows infinite more propositions, because it knows them all; but I believe that the knowledge of those few compre­hended by humane understanding, equalleth the divine, as to the certainty objectivè, for that it arriveth to comprehend the neces­sity thereof, than which there can be no greater certainty. ** [[Galileo Galilei]], ''Dialogo sopra i due Massi Sistemi del Mondo'' (1632) as quoted in the Salusbury translation, ''[[The Systeme of the World: in Four Dialogues]]'' (1661). * I've always felt that a teacher can introduce recreational math; and I'm defining it in the very broad sense to include anything that has a spirit of play about it. I don't know of any better way to hook the interests of the students. ** [[Martin Gardner]], quoted by Anthony Barcellos in "A Conversation With Martin Gardner", ''The Two-Year College Math Journal'' 10(4), 1979, pp. 223-244. * The element of play, which makes recreational mathematics recreational, may take many forms: a puzzle to be solved, a competitive game, a magic trick, paradox, fallacy, or simply mathematics with any sort of curious or amusing fillip. ** [[Martin Gardner]] in ''The Scientific American Book of Mathematical Puzzles & Diversions'' (1959). * There is not much difference between the delight a novice experiences in cracking a clever brain teaser and the delight a mathematician experiences in mastering a more advanced problem. Both look on beauty bare -- that clean, sharply defined, mysterious, entrancing order that underlies all structure. ** [[Martin Gardner]] in ''The Scientific American Book of Mathematical Puzzles & Diversions'' (1959). * Mathematical magic combines the beauty of mathematical structure with the entertainment value of a trick. ** [[Martin Gardner]] in ''Mathematics, Magic, and Mystery'' (1956), p. ix. * '''A surprising proportion of mathematicians are accomplished musicians. Is it because music and mathematics share patterns that are beautiful?''' ** [[Martin Gardner]] in [http://www.doverpublications.com/mathsci/0516/d/ The Dover Math and Science Newsletter] May 16, 2011. * ...[A]ll the measurements in the world do not balance ''one'' theorem by which the science of [[Eternity|eternal]] [[truth]]s is actually advanced. ** [[Carl Friedrich Gauss]] (March 14, 1824) letter to {{w|Friedrich Bessel}}, as quoted by {{w|G. Waldo Dunnington}}, ''Carl Friedrich Gauss: Titan of Science'' (2004 edition of 1995 first printing) [https://archive.org/details/carlfriedrichgau0000dunn/page/312/mode/1up p. 312.] * A set is a unity of which its elements are the constituents. It is a fundamental property of the mind to comprehend multitudes into unities. Sets are multitudes which are also unities. A multitude is the opposite of a unity. How can anything be both a multitude and a unity? Yet a set is just that. It is a seemingly contradictory fact that sets exist. It is surprising that the fact that multitudes are also unities leads to no contradictions: this is the main fact of mathematics. Thinking a plurality together seems like a triviality: and this appears to explain why we have no contradiction. But “many things for one” is far from trivial. ** [[Kurt Gödel]], as quoted in ''A Logical Journey'' by Hao Wang (1996). * Even God cannot make two times two not make four. ** [[Hugo Grotius]], as quoted in Delbert D. Thiessen (ed.), ''A Sociobiology Compendium: Aphorisms, Sayings, Asides'', p. 18. ===H=== [[File:Pythagorean graphic.svg|thumb|right|The idea that theorems follow from the postulates does not correspond to simple observation … [[Euclid]]'s postulates came from the Pythagorean theorem, not the other way around. ~ [[Richard Hamming]] ]] * From the infinitesimal calculus to the present... '''the essential progress in mathematics has resulted from successively annexing notions which''', for the Greeks or the Renaissance geometers or the predecessors of [[Bernhard Riemann|Riemann]], '''went "outside mathematics" because it was impossible to define them.''' ** [[Jacques Hadamard]], letter to [[Émile Borel]] (1905) as quoted by {{w|John Stillwell}}, ''Yearning for the Impossible: the Surprising Truths of Mathematics'' (2006) Epilogue, p. 211. * Mathematical methods present... two advantages. Their terminology is precise and concentrated, in a fashion which ordinary language cannot afford to adopt. Further, the symbols which result from their employment have implications which, when brought to light, yield new knowledge. This is deductively reached, but it is none the less new knowledge. With greater precision than is usual, ordinary language may be made to do some, if not a great deal, of this work for which mathematical methods are alone quite appropriate. If ordinary language can do part of it an advantage may be gained. '''The difficulty that attends mathematical symbolism is the accompanying tendency to take the symbol as exhaustively descriptive of reality.''' Now it is not so descriptive. It always embodies an abstraction. It accordingly leads to the use of metaphors which are inadequate and generally untrue. '''It is only qualification by descriptive language of a wider range that can keep this tendency in check.''' ** [[w:Richard Haldane, 1st Viscount Haldane|Richard Haldane, 1st Viscount Haldane]], Preface to ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=orcvAQAAMAAJ Einstein and the Universe: a Popular Exposition of the Famous Theory]'' (1922) by [[w:Charles Nordmann|Charles Nordmann]]. * '''The idea that theorems follow from the postulates does not correspond to simple [[observation]].''' If the Pythagorean theorem were found to not follow from the postulates, we would again search for a way to alter the postulates until it was true. '''Euclid's postulates came from the Pythagorean theorem, not the other way around.''' ** [[Richard Hamming]], "The Unreasonable Effectiveness of Mathematics", ''The American Mathematical Monthly'' '''87''' (2), February 1980, pp. 81-90. * A critical step was made sometime before the ninth century AD, when a new partial script was invented, one that could store and process mathematical data with unprecedented efficiency. '''This partial script was composed of ten signs, representing the [[Number|numbers]] from 0 - 9. Confusingly, these signs were known as Arabic numerals even though they were first invented by the Hindus.''' ** [[Yuval Noah Harari]], Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind (2011), Chapter 7: "Memory Overload" * Mere observations, however, are not knowledge. In order to understand the universe, we need to connect observations into comprehensive theories. Earlier traditions usually formulated their theories in terms of stories. Modern science uses mathematics. ** [[Yuval Noah Harari]], Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind (2011), Chapter 14: "The Discovery of Ignorance" *I remember once going to see him when he was ill at [[w:Putney|Putney]]. I had ridden in taxi cab number 1729 and remarked that the number seemed to me rather a [[w:Interesting number paradox|dull one]], and that I hoped it was not an unfavorable [[w:Omen|omen]]. "No," he replied, "it is a very interesting number; it is the smallest number expressible as the sum of two cubes in two different ways." **[[G. H. Hardy]], {{cite web|url=http://www-gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Quotations/Hardy.html |title=Quotations by Hardy |publisher=Gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk |date= |accessdate=27 November 2013}}. **The number 1729 is known as the Hardy–Ramanujan number after a famous anecdote of Hardy regarding a visit to the hospital to see [[w:S. Ramanujan|S. Ramanujan]]. *'''Archimedes will be remembered when Aeschylus is forgotten, because languages die and mathematical ideas do not. "Immortality" may be a silly word, but probably a mathematician has the best chance of whatever it may mean.''' **[[G. H. Hardy]], A Mathematician's Apology (London 1941).{{cite web|url=http://www-gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Quotations/Hardy.html |title=Quotations by Hardy |publisher=Gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk |date= |accessdate=27 November 2013}}. *A mathematician, like a painter or poet, is a maker of patterns. If his patterns are more permanent than theirs, it is because they are made with ideas. **[[G. H. Hardy]], A Mathematician's Apology (London 1941).{{cite web|url=http://www-gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Quotations/Hardy.html |title=Quotations by Hardy |publisher=Gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk |date= |accessdate=27 November 2013}}. * Mathematicians have constructed a very large number of different systems of geometry, Euclidean or non-Euclidean, of one, two, three, or any number of dimensions. All these systems are of complete and equal validity. They embody the results of mathematicians' observations of ''their'' reality, a reality far more intense and far more rigid than the dubious and elusive reality of physics. The old-fashioned geometry of [[Euclid]], the entertaining seven-point geometry of [[Oswald Veblen|Veblen]], the space-times of [[Hermann Minkowski|Minkowski]] and [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]], are all absolutely and equally real. ...There may be three dimensions in this room and five next door. As a professional mathematician, I have no idea; I can only ask some competent physicist to instruct me in the facts.<br />The function of a mathematician, then, is simply to observe the facts about his own intricate system of reality, that astonishingly beautiful complex of logical relations which forms the subject-matter of his science, as if he were an explorer looking at a distant range of mountains, and to record the results of his observations in a series of maps, each of which is a branch of pure mathematics. ...Among them there perhaps none quite so fascinating, with quite the astonishing contrasts of sharp outline and shade, as that which constitutes the [[Number theory|theory of numbers]]. **[[G. H. Hardy]], "The Theory of Numbers," ''Nature'' (Sep 16, 1922) [https://books.google.com/books?id=1bMzAQAAMAAJ Vol. 110] p. 381. * There are men of a certain type of mind who are never wearied with gibing at mathematics, at mathematicians, and at mathematical methods of inquiry. It goes almost without saying that these men have themselves little mathematical bent. I believe this to be a general fact; but, as a fact, it does not explain very well their attitude towards mathematicians. The reason seems to lie deeper. How does it come about, for instance, that whilst they are themselves so transparently ignorant of the real nature, meaning, and effects of mathematical investigation, they yet lay down the law in the most confident and self-satisfied manner, telling the mathematician what the nature of his work is (or rather is not), and of its erroneousness and inutility, and so forth? It is quite as if they knew all about it.<br /> It reminds one of the professional paradoxers... They, too, write as if they knew all about it. Plainly, then, the anti-mathematician must belong to the same class as the paradoxer, whose characteristic is to be wise in his ignorance, whereas the really wise man is ignorant in his wisdom. ...What is of greater importance is that the anti-mathematicians sometimes do a deal of mischief. For there are many of a neutral frame of mind, little acquainted themselves with mathematical methods, who are sufficiently impressible to be easily taken in by the gibers and to be prejudiced thereby; and, should they possess some mathematical bent, they may be hindered by their prejudice from giving it fair development. We cannot all be Newtons or Laplace's, but that there is an immense amount of moderate mathematical talent lying latent in the average man I regard as a fact; and even the moderate development implied in a working knowledge of simple algebraical equations can, with common-sense to assist, be not only the means of valuable mental discipline, but even be of commercial importance (which goes a long way with some people), should one's occupation be a branch of engineering for example. ** [[Oliver Heaviside]], ''Electromagnetic Theory'' (1893) Vol. 1, [https://books.google.com/books?id=9ukEAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA7 pp. 7-8]. *Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable sub-human who has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes in the house. **[[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''[[w:Time Enough for Love|Time Enough For Love]]'' (1973), and again in ''[[w:The Notebooks of Lazarus Long|The Notebooks of Lazarus Long]]'' (1978). * [E]ven in the most precise part of science, in mathematics, we cannot avoid using concepts that involve contradictions. ...[I]t is well known that the concept of [[infinity]] leads to contradictions that have been analyzed, but it would be practically impossible to construct the main parts of mathematics without this concept. ** [[Werner Heisenberg]], ''Physics and Philosophy: The Revolution in Modern Science'' (1958) p. 175. Lectures delivered at University of St. Andrews, Scotland, Winter 1955-56. * ''Dialectical mathematics'' is a rigorously logical science, where statements are either true or false, and where objects with specified properties either do or do not exist. ''Algorithmic mathematics'' is a tool for solving problems. Here we are concerned not only with the existence of a mathematical object, but also with the credentials of its existence. ''Dialectical mathematics'' is an intellectual game played according to rules about which there is a high degree of consensus. The rules of the game of ''algorithmic'' mathematics may vary according to the urgency of the problem on hand. We never could have put a man on the moon if we had insisted that the trajectories should be computed with dialectic rigor. The rules may also vary according to the computing equipment available. ''Dialectic'' mathematics invites contemplation. ''Algorithmic'' mathematics invites action. ''Dialectic'' mathematics generates insight. ''Algorithmic'' mathematics generates results. ** [[w:Peter Henrici (mathematician)|Peter Henrici]], "Computational Complex Analysis," ''The Influence of Computing on Mathematical Research and Education'' (1974) ed., Joseph P. LaSalle, p. 80. * An old French mathematician said: A mathematical theory is not to be considered complete until you have made it so clear that you can explain it to the first man whom you meet on the street. This clearness and ease of comprehension, here insisted on for a mathematical theory, I should still more demand for a mathematical problem if it is to be perfect; for what is clear and easily comprehended attracts, the complicated repels us. ** [[David Hilbert]], [http://aleph0.clarku.edu/~djoyce/hilbert/problems.html Mathematical Problems] (1900) address, International Congress of Mathematicians at Paris, Tr. Maby Winton Newson, ''Bulletin of the American Mathematical Society'' 8 (1902). * '''The art of doing mathematics consists in finding that special case which contains all the germs of generality.''' ** [[David Hilbert]], as quoted by [[w:Constance Reid|Constance Reid]], "Hilbert" (1970). * The doctrine of Right and Wrong, is perpetually disputed, both by Pen and the Sword: Whereas the doctrine of Lines, and Figures, is not so; because men care not, in that subject what be truth, as a thing that crosses no mans ambition, profit, or lust. For I doubt not, but if it had been a thing contrary to any mans right of dominion, or to the interest of men that have dominion, ''That the three Angles of a Triangle, should be equall to two Angles of a Square''; that doctrine should have been, if not disputed, yet by the burning of all books of Geometry, suppressed, as far as he whom it concerned was able. ** [[Thomas Hobbes]], ''[[w:Leviathan (book)|Leviathan]]'' (1651). * Who has studied the works of such men as [[Leonhard Euler|Euler]], [[Joseph Louis Lagrange|Lagrange]], [[Augustin Louis Cauchy|Cauchy]], [[Bernhard Riemann|Riemann]], [[w:Sophus Lie|Sophus Lie]], and [[Karl Weierstrass|Weierstrass]], can doubt that a great mathematician is a great artist? The faculties possessed by such men, varying greatly in kind and degree with the individual, are analogous with those requisite for constructive art. Not every mathematician possesses in a specially high degree that critical faculty which finds its employment in the perfection of form, in conformity with the ideal of logical completeness; but every great mathematician possesses the rarer faculty of constructive imagination. ** [[E. W. Hobson]], ''Presidential Address British Association for the Advancement of Science'' (1910) ''Nature'' Vol. 84 p. 290 as quoted by [[Robert Édouard Moritz]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=G0wtAAAAYAAJ Memorabilia Mathematica; Or, The Philomath's Quotation-book]'' (1914) p. 184. [[File:Pythagorean proof.svg|thumb|right| Mathematics is the language of size, shape and order and that it is an essential part of the equipment of an intelligent citizen to understand this language. ~ [[w:Lancelot Hogben|Lancelot Hogben]] ]] * Mathematics is the language of size, shape and order and that it is an essential part of the equipment of an intelligent citizen to understand this language. If the rules of mathematics are the rules of grammar, there is no stupidity involved when we fail to see that a mathematical truth is obvious. The rules of ordinary grammar are not obvious. They have to be learned. They are not eternal truths. They are conveniences without whose aid truths about the sorts of things in the world cannot be communicated from one person to another. ** [[w:Lancelot Hogben|Lancelot Hogben]], ''Mathematics for the Million'' (1936). * As soon as a thought or word becomes a tool, one can dispense with actually ‘thinking’ it, that is, with going through the logical acts involved in verbal formulation of it. As has been pointed out, often and correctly, the advantage of mathematics—the model of all neo-positivistic thinking—lies in just this ‘intellectual economy.’ Complicated logical operations are carried out without actual performance of the intellectual acts upon which the mathematical and logical symbols are based. … Reason … becomes a fetish, a magic entity that is accepted rather than intellectually experienced. ** [[Max Horkheimer]], ''Eclipse of Reason'' (1947), p. 23. * '''Mathematics may be compared to a mill of exquisite workmanship, which grinds your stuff of any degree of fineness'''; but, nevertheless, what you get out depends upon what you put in; and as '''the grandest mill''' in the world '''will not extract wheat flour from [[wiktionary:peascod|peascod]]s, so pages of formulæ will not get a definite result out of loose data'''. ** [[Thomas Henry Huxley]], "Anniversary Address of the President", ''Quarterly Journal of the Geological Society of London'' (1869) [https://books.google.com/books?id=ZunsDOZTLKMC Vol. 25], p. l in p. xxviii-liii; as reprinted in ''Aphorisms and Reflections'' (1908) CCXXVI, [https://books.google.com/books?id=Fh9YAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA93 p. 93] ed., Henrietta A. Huxley Huxley, and in ''Discourses, Biological and Geological essays'' (1909), pp. 335–336. ===I-J=== * From the intrinsic evidence of his creation, the [[Great Architect of the Universe]] now begins to appear as a [[pure mathematician]]. ** Sir [[James Jeans]], ''The Mysterious Universe'' (1930) p. 165. * The final truth about a phenomenon resides in the mathematical description of it; so long as there is no imperfection in this, our knowledge of the phenomenon is complete. We go beyond the mathematical formula at our own risk; we may find a model or a picture which helps us understand it, but we have no right to expect this, and our failure to find such a model or picture need not indicate that either our reasoning or our knowledge is at fault. The making of models or pictures to explain mathematical formulas and the phenomena they describe is not a step towards, but a step away from reality; it is like making a graven image of a spirit. ** Sir [[James Jeans]], ''The Mysterious Universe'' (1930). * Clearly, if electric action is to be explained in mechanical terms, the mechanism must be supposed to be attached to the electric charges, and to move through space with them. It must extend through the whole of space, because the attraction and repulsion of an electron extend through the whole of space, and it must be the same for all directions in space. Further, as the pattern of events is unaltered by motion, the mechanism must be the same when the electron is in motion as when it is at rest. But experiment shows that an electron in motion exerts additional forces which are not the same for all directions in space; if we picture this electron as moving head-foremost through space, these forces surround it like a belt around its waist.<br />Thus direct experimental evidence shows that the forces exerted by an electron (or... any charged body) can neither be attributed to any mechanism attached to the body, nor through action transmitted through an ether or any medium surrounding the body. '''We have a perfect specification of the pattern of events written... in the language of mathematics, but this does not admit of interpretation in mechanical terms, or indeed in any terms other than those of mathematics.''' ** Sir [[James Jeans]], ''Physics and Philosophy'' (1942) pp. 121-122. * We will always have STEM with us. Some things will drop out of the public eye and will go away, but there will always be science, engineering and technology. And there will always, always be mathematics. Everything is physics and math. ** {{w|Katherine Johnson}}, [https://www.nasa.gov/audience/foreducators/a-lifetime-of-stem.html "Katherine Johnson: A Lifetime of STEM"] (2013). ===K=== * I maintain that in every special natural doctrine only so much science ''proper'' is to be met with as mathematics; for... science proper, especially of nature, requires a pure portion, lying at the foundation of the empirical, and based upon ''à priori'' knowledge of natural things. ...the conception should be constructed. But the cognition of the reason through construction of conceptions is mathematical. A pure philosophy of nature in general, namely, one that only investigates what constitutes a nature in general, may thus be possible without mathematics; but a pure doctrine of nature respecting ''determinate'' natural things (corporeal doctrine and mental doctrine), is only possible by means of mathematics; and as in every natural doctrine only so much science proper is to be met with therein as there is cognition ''à priori'', '''a doctrine of nature can only contain so much science proper as there is in it of [[applied mathematics]]'''. ** [[Immanuel Kant]], Preface, ''[[w:Metaphysical Foundations of Natural Science|The Metaphysical Foundations of Natural Science]]'' (1786) [https://books.google.com/books?id=OCJLAAAAMAAJ Tr.] [[Ernest Belfort Bax]] (1883). * The science of mathematics presents the most brilliant example of how pure reason may successfully enlarge its domain without the aid of experience. ** Immanuel Kant, ''[[Critique of Pure Reason]]'' (1781) [https://books.google.com/books?id=cn9JAAAAYAAJ Tr.] {{w|Max Müller}} (1881) p. 610. * Those who thought they could distinguish philosophy from mathematics by saying that the former was concerned with ''quality'' only, the latter with ''quantity'' only, mistook effect for cause. It is owing to the form of mathematical knowledge that it can refer to ''quanta'' only, because it is only the concept of quantities that admits of construction, that is, of ''a priori'' representation in intuition, while qualities cannot be represented in any but empirical intuition. ** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''Critique of Pure Reason'' (1781) Tr. Max Müller (1881) p. 612. * There is a familiar formula—perhaps the most compact and famous of all formulas—developed by [[Leonhard Euler|Euler]] from a discovery of [[w:Abraham de Moivre|De Moivre]]: ''e<sup>i&pi;</sup> + 1 = 0''. ...It appeals equally to the mystic, the scientist, the philosopher, the mathematician. ** {{w|Edward Kasner}}, {{w|James R. Newman}}, ''Mathematics and the Imagination'' (1940). * My earliest mathematical memory is my father explaining to me the theorem that three angles in a triangle add up to 180 degrees. The idea that something could be proved to be always true was very appealing to me. ** Frances Kirwan, ''Women in Mathematics Throughout Europe. A Gallery of Portraits'' (2016). * Mathematics in general is fundamentally the science of self-evident things. ** {{w|Felix Klein}}, ''Anwendung der Differential-und Integralrechnung auf Geometrie'' (1920) p. 26, as quoted by [[Robert Edouard Moritz]], ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=I-wEAAAAYAAJ Memorabilia Mathematica or The Philomath's Quotation-Book]'' (1914). * It is impossible, and it has always been impossible, to grasp the meaning of what we nowadays call physics independently of its mathematical form. ** [[w:Jacob Klein (philosopher)|Jacob Klein]], ''Greek Mathematical Thought and the Origin of Algebra'' (1968). * There is no doubt... that mathematicians are generally overzealous about conciseness, and in their passion for brevity indulge in symbols even where these seem no better than a familiar English word or phrase. '''A faulty judgement has caused mathematicians to equate elegance and conciseness at the cost of intelligibility.''' ** [[w:Morris Kline|Morris Kline]], ''Mathematics and the Physical World'' (1959). * Electromagnetic theory is entirely a mathematical theory illustrated by a few crude physical pictures. These pictures are no more than the clothes that dress up the body of mathematics and make it appear presentable in the society of sciences. ...Though he <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[James Clerk Maxwell]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> had tried desperately to build a physical account of electromagnetic phenomena, in his classic ''[[w:A Treatise on Electricity and Magnetism|Treatise on Electricity and Magnetism]]'' he omitted most of this material and emphasized the highly polished, complex mathematical theory. ...'''Radio waves and light waves operate in a physical darkness illuminated only for those who would carry the torch of mathematics.''' ** Morris Kline, ''Mathematics and the Physical World'' (1959) pp. 360-361. * One of the curious things about mathematics that clearly emerges... is that mathematics which is concerned with reasoning nevertheless creates processes which can be applied almost mechanically, that is, without reasoning. The thinking is, so to speak, mechanized and this [[mechanization]] enables us to solve complicated problems in no time. We think up processes so that we don't have to think. ** [[w:Morris Kline|Morris Kline]], ''Mathematics for the Nonmathematician'' (1967) p. 118. * It is impossible to be a mathematician without being a poet in soul. ** {{w|Sofia Kovalevskaya}}, [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=piXLnHCwZxUC&redir_esc=y "Sónya Kovalévsky: Her Recollections of Childhood"], translated by Isabel F. Hapgood (1895), 316. * There is no mathematical substitute for philosophy. ** [[w:Saul Kripke|Saul Kripke]], "Is There a Problem About Substitutional Quantification?" In Gareth Evans & John McDowell (eds.), ''Truth and Meaning'' (1976) pp. 324-419. ===L=== * It is a well-known experience that the only truly enjoyable and profitable way of studying mathematics is the method of "filling in details" by one's own efforts. ** [[w:Cornelius Lanczos|Cornelius Lanczos]], ''Applied Analysis'', Prentice-Hall, 1956. * There is a temptingly simple explanation for the fact that science is mathematical in nature: it is because we give the name of science to those areas of intellectual inquiry that yield to mathematical analysis. ...Science ...deals with precisely those subjects amenable to quantitative analysis, and that is why mathematics is the appropriate language... The puzzle becomes a tautology: mathematics is the language of science because we reserve the name "science" for anything that mathematics can handle. If it's not mathematical, to some degree at least, it isn't really science. ** [[w:David Lindley (physicist)|David Lindley]], ''The End of Physics: The Myth of a Unified Theory'' (1993) p. 4. * There is no branch of mathematics, however abstract, which may not some day be applied to phenomena of the real world. ** [[Nikolai Ivanovich Lobachevsky]], as quoted in George Edward Martin, ''The Foundations of Geometry and the Non-Euclidean Plane'', Springer (1998 [1975]), p. 225; also in Stanley Gudder, ''A Mathematical Journey'', McGraw-Hill (1976), p. 36. * The only thing I am interested in using mathematics for is to have a good time and to help others do the same. ** Paul Lockheart in ''A Mathematician's Lament'' (2002). * You should not choose to do mathematics if you want to make money; your salary as a mathematician will never correspond to the amount of time and energy invested in your work. ** Margarida Mendes Lopes, ''Women in Mathematics Throughout Europe. A Gallery of Portraits'' (2016). * You know I always have so many metaphysical enquiries & speculations which intrude themselves, that I never am really satisfied that I understand anything; because, understand it as well as I may, my comprehension can only be an infinitesimal fraction of all I want to understand about the many connexions & relations which occur to me, how the matter in question was first thought of or arrived at, &c., &c. ** {{w|Ada Lovelace}}, letter to {{w|Augustus De Morgan}}, written on 6 Feb. 1841. ===M=== * I have not in every case been able to avoid the use of the abbreviated and precise terminology of mathematics. To do so would have been to sacrifice matter to form; for the language of everyday life has not yet grown to be sufficiently accurate for the purposes of so exact a science as mechanics. ** [[Ernst Mach]], Preface to the 1st edition, ''[[The Science of Mechanics]]: A Critical and Historical Account of Its Development'' (1893) [https://books.google.com/books?id=4OE2AAAAMAAJ&pg=PR8 p. viii,] Tr. Thomas J. McCormack. *All there is in the three worlds, moving or unmoving, all that cannot be described without mathematics. **Mahavira in his Ganitasarasangraha (Chapter 1, verses 15-16). quoted in : Bhaskar Kamble, The Imperishable Seed: How Hindu Mathematics Changed the World and why this History was Erased, Garuda Prakashan Private Limited, 2022 ISBN 9798885750189 * Think of it: of the infinity of real numbers, those that are most important to mathematics—0, 1, &radic;2, e and &pi;—are located within less than four units on the number line. A remarkable coincidence? A mere detail in the Creator's grand design? I let the reader decide. ** {{w|Eli Maor}}, ''E: The Story of a Number'' (1994) * I have not been able to lay my hands on any notes as to [[Mathematical economics|Mathematico-economics]] that would be of any use to you. I have very indistinct memories of what I used to think on the subject. I never read mathematics now: in fact I have even forgotten how to integrate a good many things.<br />But I know I had a growing feeling in the later years of my work at the subject that a good mathematical theorem dealing with economic hypotheses was very well unlikely to be good [[economics]]: and I went more and more on the rules—(1) Use mathematics as a shorthand language, rather than as an engine of inquiry. (2) Keep to them till you have done. (3) Translate into English. (4) Then illustrate by examples that are important in real life. (5) Burn the mathematics. (6) If you can’t succeed in (4), burn (3). This last I do often. ** [[Alfred Marshall]], Letter to {{w|Arthur Lyon Bowley}} (Feb 27, 1906) ''Memorials of Alfred Marshall'' (1925) ed., [[Arthur Cecil Pigou|A. C. Pigou]] [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.275351/page/n448/mode/1up p. 427.] * One of the best ways to sharpen your brain, and to develop intelligence, is to study mathematics. It challenges and strengthens your mind in a way that very few other things do. It’s like going to the gym -- but for your brain! ** {{w|Danica McKellar}}, [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=QBJpIsxY608C "Maths Doesn't Suck: How to survive year 6 through year 9 maths without losing your mind or breaking a nail"] (2010). * Euclid alone has looked on Beauty bare. ** {{w|Edna St. Vincent Millay}}, [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Euclid_alone_has_looked_on_Beauty_bare "Euclid alone has looked on Beauty bare"], published in [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/American_Poetry_1922 American Poetry 1922]. * There are times when I feel like I'm in a big forest and don't know where I'm going. But then somehow I come to the top of a hill and can see everything more clearly. When that happens, it's really exciting. ** {{w|Maryam Mirzakhani}}, [https://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2006-07/popscis-fourth-annual-brilliant-10#page-7 "PopSci's Fourth Annual Brilliant 10"] (2005). * I like crossing the imaginary boundaries people set up between different fields—it's very refreshing. There are lots of tools, and you don't know which one would work. It's about being optimistic and trying to connect things. ** {{w|Maryam Mirzakhani}}, [https://www.quantamagazine.org/maryam-mirzakhani-is-first-woman-fields-medalist-20140812 "A Tenacious Explorer of Abstract Surfaces"], Quanta Magazine (2014). * '''One should not be deceived by philosophical works that pretend to be mathematical, but are merely dubious and murky metaphysics.''' Just because a philosopher can recite the words lemma, theorem and corollary doesn't mean that his work has the certainty of mathematics. That '''certainty does not derive from big words, or even from the method used by geometers, but rather from the utter simplicity of the objects considered by mathematics.''' ** [[Pierre Louis Maupertuis]], ''[[s:Translation:Derivation of the laws of motion and equilibrium from a metaphysical principle|Les Loix du Mouvement et du Repos, déduites d'un Principe Métaphysique]]'' (1746). * Mathematicians may flatter themselves that they possess new ideas which mere human language is yet unable to express. Let them make the effort to express these ideas in appropriate words without the aid of symbols, and if they succeed they will not only lay us laymen under a lasting obligation, but we venture to say, they will find themselves very much enlightened during the process, and will even be doubtful whether the ideas as expressed in symbols had ever quite found their way out of the equations of their minds. ** [[James Clerk Maxwell]], "Thomson & Tait's Natural Philosophy" in ''Nature'', Vol. 7 (Mar. 27, 1873) A review of ''{{w|Elements of Natural Philosophy}}'' [https://archive.org/details/elementsnatural00kelvgoog] (1873) by [[William Thomson, 1st Baron Kelvin|Sir W. Thomson]], [[w:Peter Tait (physicist)|P. G. Tait]]. See [https://archive.org/details/nature7818721873lock ''Nature'', Vol. 7-8,] Nov. 1872-Oct. 1873, pp. 399-400, or ''The Scientific Papers of James Clerk Maxwell'', [https://books.google.com/books?id=lzlRAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA328 p. 328]. * Theorems often tell us complex truths about the simple things, but only rarely tell us simple truths about the complex ones. To believe otherwise is wishful thinking or "mathematics envy." ** [[Marvin Minsky]], [http://web.media.mit.edu/~minsky/papers/MusicMindMeaning.html "Music, Mind, and Meaning"] (1981). * The thorough analysis of even simple problems in arithmetic may require the application of advanced mathematics. ** [[Lloyd Motz]] and Jefferson Hane Weaver, ''Conquering Mathematics: From Arithmetic to Calculus'' (1991) * Since most people find mathematics somewhat forbidding, if not frightening, they find it difficult to understand how it can be regarded as beautiful. ... It is not the visual beauty of a painting or the audio beauty of a musical performance. Nor is it the literary beauty of a great poem; it is entirely intellectual and therefore, while more difficult to perceive, more satisfying when perceived. ** Lloyd Motz and Jefferson Hane Weaver, ''Conquering Mathematics'' (1991) * '''Mathematics is good for the soul, getting things right enlivens a sense of truth, efforts to understand automatically purify desires.''' ** [[w:Iris Murdoch|Iris Murdoch]], Metaphysics As A Guide To Morals, p. 178. * Mathematics is the source of a wicked intellect that, while making man the lord of the earth, also makes him the slave of the machine. ** [[Robert Musil]], ''The Man Without Qualities''. * Mathematics is the bold luxury of pure reason, one of the few that remain today. ** [[Robert Musil]], “Mathematical man” (1913). * In their field they [mathematicians] do what we ought to be doing in ours. Therein lies the significant lesson … of their existence. They are an analogy for the intellectual of the future. ** [[Robert Musil]], “Mathematical man” (1913). ===N=== * Wer ein mathematisches Buch nicht mit Andacht ergreift, und es wie Gottes-Wort liest, der versteht es nicht. ** Whoever seizes a mathematical book without devotion, whoever does not read it as if it were God's word, doesn't understand it. *** [[Novalis]], ''Fragmente vermischten Inhalts''. ===O=== *Every true mathematician sees mathematics everywhere—in a child's swing or a pendulum, in the outline shape of a tree and that of its leaves, in the clouds **Kathleen Ollerenshaw, quoted in [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/dame-kathleen-ollerenshaw/ Centenarian Dame Kathleen Ollerenshaw—Conqueror of Magic Squares, Rubik's Cube and Mauna Kea], ''Scientific American''. *When I have needed solace and I have had to depend on my own resources, the mathematics has been there. I am grateful. **Kathleen Ollerenshaw, quoted in [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/dame-kathleen-ollerenshaw/ Centenarian Dame Kathleen Ollerenshaw—Conqueror of Magic Squares, Rubik's Cube and Mauna Kea], ''Scientific American''. ===P=== [[File:Pythagproof.svg|thumb|right| Number rules the universe. ~ [[Pythagoras]]]] *[Mathematics is] the science that draws necessary conclusions. **[[Benjamin Peirce]], "[https://www.jstor.org/stable/2369153 Linear Associative Algebra]", ''American Journal of Mathematics'', Vol. 4, No. 1/4 (1881). * You cannot read mathematics superficially; the inescapable abstraction always has an element of self-torture in it, and the one to whom this self-torture is joy is the mathematician. ** {{w|Rózsa Péter}}, [https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Playing_with_Infinity.html?id=pj5G-3boMBwC&redir_esc=y "Playing with Infinity: Mathematical Explorations and Excursions"] p. xiii (1976). * Our epoch is the epoch of increasing consciousness; in this field Mathematics has done its bit. It has made us conscious of the limits of its own capabilities. ** {{w|Rózsa Péter}}, [https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Playing_with_Infinity.html?id=pj5G-3boMBwC&redir_esc=y "Playing with Infinity: Mathematical Explorations and Excursions"] p. 264 (1976). * More often than not, a piece of mathematics worked out years before—and believed to be totally without practical value—finds a role in the “real” world. ** {{cite book|author=Ivars Peterson|title=The Mathematical Tourist|date=1998|publisher=Barnes & Noble|isbn=0-7607-2361-3|page=9}} * In the early 1900s, a great mathematician was expected to comprehend the whole of known mathematics. Mathematics was a shallow pool. Today the mathematical waters have grown so deep that a great mathematician can know only about 5% of the entire corpus. What will the future of mathematics be as specialized mathematicians know more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing? ** {{w|Clifford A. Pickover}}, ''The Loom of God'' (2009). * [...] I who do not even dare to say, when one is added to one, whether the one to which the addition was made has become two, or the one which was added, or the one which was added and the one to which it was added became two by the addition of each to the other. I think it is wonderful that when each of them was separate from the other, each was one and they were not then two, and when they were brought near each other this juxtaposition was the cause of their becoming two. And I cannot yet believe that if one is divided, the division causes it to become two; for this is the opposite of the cause which produced two in the former case; for then two arose because one was brought near and added to another one, and now because one is removed and separated from other. And I no longer believe that I know by this method even how one is generated or, in a word, how anything is generated or is destroyed or exists, and I no longer admit this method, but have another confused way of my own. ** [[Socrates]] in [[Plato]]'s ''Phaedo'', translated by Harold North Fowler (1966). * '''Mathematicians do not study objects, but the relations between objects'''; to them it is a matter of indifference if these objects are replaced by others, provided that the relations do not change. '''Matter does not engage their attention, they are interested in form alone'''. ** [[Henri Poincaré]], ''Science and Hypothesis'' (1901). * '''What we call objective reality is''', in the last analysis, '''what is common to many thinking beings, and''' could be common to all; this common part, we shall see, '''can only be the harmony expressed by mathematical laws'''. It is this harmony then which is '''the sole objective reality, the only truth''' we can attain; '''and when I add''' that the universal harmony of the world is '''the source of all beauty, it will be understood what price we should attach to the slow and difficult progress''' which little by little enables us to know it better. ** [[Henri Poincaré]], ''The Value of Science'' (1905) [https://books.google.com/books?id=R6IaAAAAYAAJ Tr.] [[w:G. B. Halsted|George Bruce Halsted]], p. 14. * '''Mathematics have a triple aim'''. They must furnish an instrument for '''the study of nature'''. But that is not all: they have '''a philosophic aim and''', I dare maintain, '''an esthetic aim. They must aid the philosopher to fathom the notions of number, of space, of time. And above all, their adepts find therein delights analogous to those given by painting and music'''. They admire the delicate harmony of numbers and forms; they marvel when a new discovery opens to them an unexpected perspective; and has not the joy they thus feel the esthetic character, even though the senses take no part therein? Only a privileged few are called to enjoy it fully, it is true, but is not this the case for all the noblest arts?<br />This is why I do not hesitate to say that '''mathematics deserve to be cultivated for their own sake''', and the theories inapplicable to physics as well as the others. '''Even if the physical aim and the esthetic aim were not united, we ought not to sacrifice either.''' ** [[Henri Poincaré]], ''The Value of Science'' (1905) Tr. George Bruce Halsted pp. 75-76. * You're not supposed to have equations in a public lecture, so think of this as a piece of art. ** [[w:Joseph Polchinski|Joseph Polchinski]], introducing the [[w:Dirac equation|Dirac equation]] as improvement upon the [[w:Schrödinger equation|Schrödinger equation]] in "[http://www.uctv.tv/shows/Space-Time-Versus-the-Quantum-30118 Space-time versus the Quantum]" (November 25, 2014) 59th Annual Faculty Research Lecture, University of California, Santa Barbara. * We should not believe... that [[w:Commensurability (mathematics)|commensurability]] is a quality of every magnitude as of all the numbers; and whoever has not investigated this subject, shows a gross and unseemly ignorance of what the [[w:Laws (dialogue)#Setting|Athenian Stranger]] says in the seventh treatise of the [[Laws (dialogue)|Book of the Laws]], [namely], "And besides there is found in every man an ignorance, shameful in its nature and ludicrous, concerning everything which has the dimensions, length, breadth, and depth; and it is clear that mathematics can free them from this ignorance. For I hold that this [ignorance] is a brutish and not a human state, and I am verily ashamed, not for myself only, but for all Greeks, of the opinion of those men who prefer to believe what this whole generation believes, [namely], that commensurability is necessarily a quality of all magnitudes. For everyone of them says: "We conceive that those things are essentially the same, some of which can measure the others in some way or other. But the fact is that only some of them are measured by common measures, whereas others cannot be measured at all". ** [[Pappus of Alexandria]] quoting [[Plato]], ''The Commentary of Pappus on Book X of Euclid's Elements'' (1930) Arabic Text and Translation by William Thomson with Introductory Remarks, Notes, and a Glossary of Technical Terms by Gustav Junge and William Thomson, [https://archive.org/details/commentaryofpapp033370mbp/page/n78/mode/1up?view=theater p. 75.] * Number is the ruler of forms and ideas, and the cause of gods and [[w:Daemon (mythology)|daemons]]. ** [[Pythagoras]], as quoted in ''Life of Pythagoras'' (''c''. 300) by [[Iamblichus of Chalcis]], as translated by [[w:Thomas Taylor (neoplatonist)|Thomas Taylor]] (1818). ** Variants: ** Number rules the universe. ** As quoted in [[w:Des MacHale|Desmond MacHale]], ''Comic Sections'' (1993). * There is geometry in the humming of the strings, there is music in the spacing of the spheres. ** [[Pythagoras]], as quoted in ''The Mystery of Matter''‎ (1965) edited by Louise B. Young. ===Q=== * The more advanced the sciences have become, the more they have tended to enter the domain of mathematics, which is a sort of center towards which they converge. We can judge of the perfection to which a science has come by the facility, more or less great, with which it may be approached by calculation. ** [[Adolphe Quetelet]] (ca. 1825-1826) as quoted by [[w:Frank H. Hankins|Frank H. Hankins]], "Adolphe Quetelet as Statistician" in ''Studies in History Economics and Public Law'' (1908) [https://books.google.com/books?id=VAdLAQAAMAAJ Vol. 31] p. 443. ===R=== *'''An equation means nothing to me unless it expresses a thought of God.''' ** [[w:S. Ramanujan|S. Ramanujan]] in **{{Cite web|url=http://resourcecentre.daiict.ac.in/eresources/iresources/quotations.html| title= Quotations by 60 Greatest Indians |accessdate=27 November 2013|publisher= Dhirubhai Ambani Institute of Information and Communication Technology}} * I used to fear I was not made for mathematics and would look for people to tell me I was on the right track. You need to develop a personal conviction that you '''are a mathematician''', and that what you are doing makes sense. ** {{w|Kasia Rejzner|Katarzyna Rejzner}}, ''Women in Mathematics Throughout Europe. A Gallery of Portraits'' (2016). * Mathematics has the dubious honor of being the least popular subject in the curriculum … Future teachers pass through the elementary schools learning to detest mathematics. They drop it in high school as early as possible. They avoid it in teachers' colleges because it is not required. They return to the elementary school to teach a new generation to detest it. ** Report of the Educational Testing Service, Princeton, N. J., as quoted in ''TIME'' magazine (18 June 1956), cited by [[George Pólya]], ''[[w:How to Solve It|How to Solve It]]'', <small>Page ix in Expanded Princeton Science Library Edition (2004), {{ISBN|0-691-11966-X}}</small>. *Mathematics lays the foundation of all the ex­act sciences. It teaches the art of combining num­bers, of calculating and measuring distances, how to solve problems, to weigh mountains, to fathom the depths of the ocean; but gives no directions how to ascertain the existence of a God. **[[Ernestine Rose]] 1881, A Defence of Atheism: A lecture delivered in Mercantile Hall, Boston on 10 April, 1861, p. 4 * Mathematics may be universal in a nonpersonal sense, but whether it can appeal to all people and be understood by all people is another question. ** Robert A. Rosenbaum (1915–2017), {{cite book|editor=May, Kenneth O.|title=The Mathematical Association of America: Its First Fifty Years|chapter=Chapter IV. ''From 1946 to 1965'' by R. A. Rosenbaum|pages=62–77|publisher=The Mathematical Association of America (MAA)}} (quote from p. 71) [https://maa.org/sites/default/files/pdf/ABOUTMAA/History/The_Mathematical_Association_of_America_Its_First_Fifty_Years.pdf pdf at maa.org] * Sometime, in the future that is knocking at our door, we shall have to retrain ourselves or our children to properly tell the truth. The exercise will be particularly painful in mathematics. The enrapturing discoveries of our field systematically conceal, like footprints erased in sand, the [[Analogy|analogical]] train of thought that is the authentic life of mathematics. Shocking as it may be to the conservative logician, the day will come when currently vague concepts such as motivation and purpose will be made formal and accepted as constituents of a revamped logic, where they will at last be alloted the equal status they deserve, side-by-side with axioms and theorems. Until that day, however, the truths of mathematics will make only fleeting appearances, like shameful confessions whispered to a priest, to a psychiatrist, or to a wife. ** {{w|Gian-Carlo Rota}}, Preface (Feb 7, 1985) to Mark Kac, Gian-Carlo Rota, Jacob T. Schwartz, ''Discrete Thoughts: Essays on Mathematics, Science and Philosophy'' (1986) * By all accounts mathematics is mankind’s most successful intellectual undertaking. Every problem of mathematics gets solved, sooner or later. Once solved, a mathematical problem is forever finished: no later event will disprove a correct solution. As mathematics progresses, problems that were difficult become easy and can be assigned to schoolchildren.Thus Euclidean geometry is taught in the second year of high school. Similarly, the mathematics learned by my generation in graduate school is now taught at the undergraduate level, and perhaps in the not too distant future, in the high schools. Not only is every mathematical problem solved, but eventually every mathematical problem is proved trivial. The quest for ultimate triviality is characteristic of the mathematical enterprise. ** Gian-Carlo Rota, "The Pernicious Influence of Mathematics upon Philosophy" ''18 Unconventional Essays on the Nature of Mathematics'' (2006) p. 223, ed. {{w|Reuben Hersh}}. * Mathematics is the study of analogies between analogies. All science is. Scientists want to show that things that don't look alike are really the same. That is one of their innermost [[w:Freudian|Freudian]] [[w:Motivations|motivations]]. In fact, that is what we mean by understanding. **[[w:Gian-Carlo Rota|Gian-Carlo Rota]], ''Indiscrete Thoughts'' (2008) p. 214. * Extension and abstraction without apparent direction or purpose is fundamental to the discipline. Applicability is not the reason we work, and plenty that is not applicable contributes to the beauty and magnificence of our subject. ** Peter Rowlett, "The unplanned impact of mathematics", ''Nature'' '''475''', 2011, pp. 166-169. * Trying to solve real-world problems, researchers often discover that the tools they need were developed years, decades or even centuries earlier by mathematicians with no prospect of, or care for, applicability. ** Peter Rowlett, "The unplanned impact of mathematics", ''Nature'' '''475''', 2011, pp. 166-169. * There is no way to guarantee in advance what [[pure mathematics]] will later find application. We can only let the process of curiosity and abstraction take place, let mathematicians obsessively take results to their logical extremes, leaving [[relevance]] far behind, and wait to see which topics turn out to be extremely useful. If not, when the challenges of the future arrive, we won’t have the right piece of seemingly pointless mathematics to hand. ** Peter Rowlett, "The unplanned impact of mathematics", ''Nature'' '''475''', 2011, pp. 166-169. * Recreational mathematics is a type of play which is enjoyable and requires mathematical thinking or skills to engage with; typically, it is accessible to a wide range of people and can be effectively used to motivate engagement with and develop understanding of mathematical ideas or concepts. ** Peter Rowlett, Edward Smith, Alexander S. Corner, David O'Sullivan and Jeff Waldock, [https://doi.org/10.1080/0020739X.2019.1657596 The potential of recreational mathematics to support the development of mathematical learning], ''International Journal of Mathematical Education in Science and Technology'', 2019. * Far from being frivolous, recreational mathematics cuts to the heart of being a mathematician and is deeply linked to development of graduate-level mathematical skills. ** Peter Rowlett, [https://twitter.com/peterrowlett/status/1171044971463544834 Twitter, September 9 2019]. * Mathematics is obviously something that women should be able to do very well. It's very intuitive. You don't need a lot of machinery, and you don't need a lot of physical strength. You just need stamina, and women often have a great deal of stamina. ** {{w|Mary Ellen Rudin}}, [https://books.google.co.uk/books/about/More_mathematical_people.html?id=Nu_uAAAAMAAJ&redir_esc=y D. Albers, G. Alexanderson and C. Reid, "More Mathematical People: Contemporary Conversations"] p.301 (1990). * [[Pure mathematics]] consists entirely of assertions to the effect that, if such and such a proposition is true of ''anything'', then such and such another proposition is true of that thing. It is essential not to discuss whether the first proposition is really true, and not to mention what the anything is, of which it is supposed to be true … ''If'' our hypothesis is about ''anything'', and not about some one or more particular things, then our deductions constitute mathematics. Thus '''mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.''' People who have been puzzled by the beginnings of mathematics will, I hope, find comfort in this definition, and will probably agree that it is accurate. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Recent Work on the Principles of Mathematics'', published in International Monthly, vol. 4 (1901). ** reprinted as "Mathematics and the Metaphysicians" in {{Cite book |title=Mysticism and Logic, and other essays |publisher=George Allen and Unwin, Ltd |year=1917 |location=London |page=75 |url=https://archive.org/details/mysticismlogicot0000russ/page/74/mode/2up}} * It seems to me now that mathematics is capable of an artistic excellence as great as that of any music, perhaps greater; not because the pleasure it gives (although very pure) is comparable, either in intensity or in the number of people who feel it, to that of music, but because it gives in absolute perfection that combination, characteristic of great art, of godlike freedom, with the sense of inevitable destiny; because, in fact, it constructs an ideal world where everything is perfect and yet true. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], in a letter to [[w:Gilbert Murray|Gilbert Murray]], April 3, 1902. * '''Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty'''&mdash;a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture, without appeal to any part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trappings of painting or music, yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense of being more than Man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is to be found in mathematics as surely as poetry. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Study of Mathematics'' (1902).<!--, about the beauty of Mathematics--> * Mathematics takes us still further from what is human, into the region of absolute necessity, to which not only the world, but every possible world, must conform. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Study of Mathematics'' (1902). * [[Pure Mathematics]] is the class of all propositions of the form “p implies q,” where p and q are propositions containing one or more variables, the same in the two propositions, and neither p nor q contains any constants except logical constants. And logical constants are all notions definable in terms of the following: Implication, the relation of a term to a class of which it is a member, the notion of such that, the notion of relation, and such further notions as may be involved in the general notion of propositions of the above form. In addition to these, mathematics uses a notion which is not a constituent of the propositions which it considers, namely the notion of truth. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Principles of Mathematics'' (1903), Ch. I: Definition of Pure Mathematics, p. 3. * The fact that all Mathematics is Symbolic Logic is one of the greatest discoveries of our age; and when this fact has been established, the remainder of the principles of mathematics consists in the analysis of Symbolic Logic itself. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Principles of Mathematics'' (1903), Ch. I: Definition of Pure Mathematics, p. 5. * '''I like mathematics because it is not human and has nothing particular to do with this planet or with the whole accidental universe – because, like Spinoza's God, it won't love us in return'''. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], in a letter to Lady Ottoline Morrell, March, 1912, as quoted in Gaither's ''Dictionary of Scientific Quotations'' (2012), p. 1318. * Ordinary language is totally unsuited for expressing what physics really asserts, since the words of everyday life are not sufficiently abstract. Only mathematics and mathematical logic can say as little as the physicist means to say. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''The Scientific Outlook'' (1931). *Pi's face was masked, and it was understood that none could behold it and live. But piercing eyes looked out from the mask, inexorable, cold and enigmatic. ** Bertrand Russell, "The Mathematician's Nightmare", ''Nightmares of Eminent Persons and Other Stories'' (1954). * In universities, mathematics is taught mainly to men who are going to teach mathematics to men who are going to teach mathematics to.... Sometimes, it is true, there is an escape from this treadmill. Archimedes used mathematics to kill Romans, Galileo to improve the Grand Duke of Tuscany's artillery, modern physicists (grown more ambitious) to exterminate the human race. It is usually on this account that the study of mathematics is commended to the general public as worthy of State support. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''Human Society in Ethics and Politics'' (1954), p. 54. ===S=== * Is Mathematics merely the fire that allows mankind to see the shadows of a more remote ultimate reality? ** {{cite book|author=Joel L. Schiff|title=The Mathematical Universe|publisher=Springer|date=2020|isbn=978-3-030-50651-3|page=252}} * You cannot be cheated, you cannot be lied to. A thing is true or not true, and there is this notion of clarity on which you can base yourself. **[[Sylvia Serfaty]], {{cite web | url = https://www.wired.com/2017/03/beauty-mathematics-can-never-lie/ | title = The Beauty of Mathematics: It Can Never Lie to You | accessdate = 2018-05-12 | archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20170716233225/https://www.wired.com/2017/03/beauty-mathematics-can-never-lie/|archivedate=2017-07-16}} * It’s really beautiful to observe, as you progress in your mathematical maturity, how everything is somehow connected. **[[Sylvia Serfaty]], {{cite web | url = https://www.wired.com/2017/03/beauty-mathematics-can-never-lie/ | title = The Beauty of Mathematics: It Can Never Lie to You | accessdate = 2018-05-12 | archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20170716233225/https://www.wired.com/2017/03/beauty-mathematics-can-never-lie/|archivedate=2017-07-16}} *<math>10^{50}</math> is a long way from infinity. **[[w:Daniel Shanks|Daniel Shanks]], ''Solved and Unsolved Problems in Number Theory'', 3rd edition, chapter IV, page 217. **Computer calculation even up to a big number can't really say much about asymptotic behaviour. * Mathematics is universal. But very little else is. ** [[Charles Sheffield]], ''[[w:Summertide|Summertide]]'' (1990), Chapter 10. * There is a wide distinction between the degree of mathematical acquirement necessary for making discoveries, and that which is requisite for understanding what other have done. ** {{w|Mary Somerville}}, [https://archive.org/stream/connectionphysi00somegoog/connectionphysi00somegoog_djvu.txt "The Connection of the Physical Sciences (9th edition), Introduction (pp. 2-3)"] (year). * No part of mathematics came to birth in the form that it now appears in a modern textbook: mathematical creativity can be slow, sometimes messy, often frustrating. ** [[w:Jackie Stedall|Jacqueline Stedall]], ''From Cardano’s Great Art to Lagrange’s Reflections: Filling a Gap in the History of Algebra'' (2011) Preface, p. ix. See also, her ''The History of Mathematics: A Very Short Introduction'' (2012) Ch. 1, Mathematics: myth and history. * I discovered the works of [[Leonhard Euler|Euler]] and my perception of the nature of mathematics underwent a dramatic transformation. I was de-Bourbakized, stopped believing in sets, and was expelled from the [[Georg Cantor|Cantorian]] paradise. I still believe in abstraction, but now I know that one ends with abstraction, not starts with it. I learned that one has to adapt abstractions to reality and not the other way around. Mathematics stopped being a science of theories but reappeared to me as a science of numbers and shapes. ** [[Alexander Stepanov]], {{cite web | url = http://www.research.att.com/~bs/hopl-almost-final.pdf | title = Bjarne Stroustrup: Evolving a language in and for the real world: C++ 1991-2006. ACM HOPL-III. June 2007 | accessdate = 2008-04-25|archiveurl=http://web.archive.org/web/20071120015600/http://www.research.att.com/~bs/hopl-almost-final.pdf|archivedate=2007-11-20}} * It doesn't matter what mathematical things ''are:'' it's what they ''do'' that counts. Thus mathematics hovers uneasily between the real and the not-real; its meaning does not reside in formal abstractions, but neither is it tangible. ...it is the great strength of mathematics—what I have elsewhere called its "unreal reality." '''Mathematics links the abstract world of mental concepts to the real world of physical things without being located in completely in either.''' ** [[w:Ian Stewart (mathematician)|Ian Stewart]], Preface to second edition of ''What is Mathematics?'' by [[Richard Courant]] and [[w:Herbert Robbins|Herbert Robbins]], revised by Ian Stewart (1996). *Math ain't about numbers! If you think math is about numbers, you probably think that Shakespeare is all about words. You probably think that dancing is all about shoes. You probably think that music is all about notes. Math ain't about numbers! Math is about logic, it's about beauty, it's about connections, it's about how you get from one place to another. **[[wikipedia:Clifford_Stoll|Cliff Stoll]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAsICMPwGPY&feature=youtu.be Klein Bottles - Numberphile] (June 22, 2015) *So, nat'ralists observe, a flea<br />Hath smaller fleas that on him prey,<br />And these have smaller still to bite 'em<br />And so proceed ad infinitum. **[[Jonathan Swift]], ''On Poetry: A Rhapsody''. *** Adapted in: ***Big whirls have little whirls,<br />That feed on their velocity;<br />And little whirls have lesser whirls,<br />And so on to viscosity. ***[[w:Lewis Fry Richardson|Lewis Fry Richardson]], ''Weather Prediction by Numerical Process'' (1922). ===T=== * Researchers of the brain believe that mathematical truths make little sense to our mind, particularly..the examination of random outcomes. ** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''Fooled by Randomness: The Hidden Role of Chance in Life and in the Markets'' (2001) Two: A Bizarre Accounting Method — George Will is No Solon: On Counterintuitive Truths — Humiliated in Debates. * Mathematics is principally a tool to meditate, rather than to compute. ** [[Nassim Nicholas Taleb]], ''Fooled by Randomness: The Hidden Role of Chance in Life and in the Markets'' (2001) Three: A Mathematical Meditation on History — ''Europlayboy Mathematics''. * If a mathematician wishes to disparage the work of one of his colleagues, say, A, the most effective method he finds for doing this is to ask where the results can be applied. The hard pressed man, with his back against the wall, finally unearths the researches of another mathematician B as the locus of the application of his own results. If next B is plagued with a similar question, he will refer to another mathematician C. After a few steps of this kind we find ourselves referred back to the researches of A, and in this way the chain closes. ** [[Alfred Tarski]], "The Semantic Conception of Truth" (1952) reprinted in ''Semantics and the Philosophy of Language'' (1952) ed., L. Linsky. * The subject matter of mathematics has increased so rapidly and extensively that there is some element of truth in maintaining that '''mathematics is not so much a subject as a way of studying any subject, not so much a science as a way of life.''' ** [[w:George Frederick James Temple|George Frederick James Temple]], ''100 Years of Mathematics: a Personal Viewpoint'' (1981). * Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality. ** [[Nikola Tesla]], "Radio Power Will Revolutionize the World", in ''Modern Mechanics and Inventions'' (July 1934). * One occasionally hears the question, '''is mathematics invented or discovered?'''—or an answer. As David Wells points out... '''both answers... are appropriate.''' Once a game is invented, the consequences are discovered... as it would require a divine intelligence to know just from the rules how a complex game could best be played. When in practice rules are changed, one makes adjustments that will not alter the consequences too dramatically. Analogously, axioms are usually only adjusted and the altered consequences discovered. ** Robert Spencer David Thomas, "Mathematics is Not a Game But..." (January, 2009) ''The Mathematical Intelligencer'' Vol. 31, No. 1, pp. 4-8. Also published in ''The Best Writing on Mathematics'' 2010 (2011) pp. 79-88. * I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot measure it, when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind; it may be the beginning of knowledge, but you have scarcely, in your thoughts, advanced to the stage of ''science'', whatever the matter may be. ** [[William Thomson]] (Lord Kelvin), Lecture on "Electrical Units of Measurement" (3 May 1883), published in [https://archive.org/stream/popularlecturesa01kelvuoft#page/73/mode/1up|''Popular Lectures'' Vol. I, p. 73] (1889). * '''Mathematics is the only true metaphysics.''' ** [[William Thomson]], as quoted by [[w:Silvanus P. Thompson|Silvanus Phillips Thompson]], ''The Life of William Thomson, Baron Kelvin of Largs'' (1910) [https://books.google.com/books?id=S_PPAAAAMAAJ Vol. 2], p. 1124. * Mathematics is not about numbers, equations, computations, or algorithms: it is about understanding. ** Bill Thurston, quoted in ''Mathematicians: An Outer View of the Inner World'' (2009). * The product of mathematics is clarity and understanding. Not theorems, by themselves. Is there, for example any real reason that even such famous results as Fermat's Last Theorem, or the Poincaré conjecture, really matter? Their real importance is not in their specific statements, but their role in challenging our understanding, presenting challenges that led to mathematical developments that increased our understanding. ** Bill Thurston, [https://mathoverflow.net/a/44213 Math Overflow, Oct 30 2010]. * Mathematics is a process of staring hard enough with enough perseverence at at the fog of muddle and confusion to eventually break through to improved clarity. ** Bill Thurston, [https://mathoverflow.net/users/9062/bill-thurston MathOverflow “About me”] * Comparatively few [[Engineering|engineers]] are good mathematicians; and... it is fortunate that such is the case; for nature rarely combines high mathematical talent, with that practical tact, and observation of outward things, so essential to a successful engineer.<br />There have been... brilliant exceptions; but they are very rare. But few even of those who have been tolerable mathematicians when young, can, as they advance in years, and become engaged in business, spare the time necessary for retaining such accomplishments. ** {{w|John C. Trautwine}}, ''The Civil Engineer's Pocket-Book'' (1889) Preface to the First Edition, [https://archive.org/details/civilengineerspo00trau_0/page/n12/mode/1up?view=theater p. vii.] * For many individuals, as they approach the limit of their abilities, mathematics loses its fun aspect. When a topic is undeveloped, it is recreational to many. As the theory is developed and becomes more abstract, fewer persons find it recreational. ** [[wikipedia:Charles W. Trigg|Charles W. Trigg]], in "What is Recreational Mathematics? Definition by example: paradigms of topics, people and publications", ''Mathematics Magazine'' 51(1), 1978, pp. 18-21. * '''Mathematical reasoning may be regarded rather schematically as the exercise of a combination of... intuition and ingenuity.''' The activity of the intuition consists in making spontaneous judgements which are not the result of conscious trains of reasoning... The exercise of ingenuity in mathematics consists in aiding the intuition through suitable arrangements of propositions, and perhaps geometrical figures or drawings. ...'''We are leaving out of account that most important faculty which distinguishes topics of interest from others; in fact, we are regarding the function of the mathematician as simply to determine the truth or falsity of propositions.''' ** [[Alan Turing]], "Systems of Logic Based on Ordinals" (1938) in ''Proceedings of the London Mathematical Society'' (1939) Series 2, Vol. 45. ===U=== * The mathematicians know a great deal about very little and the physicists very little about a great deal. ** [[Stanislaw Ulam]], ''On the Ergodic Behavior of Dynamical Systems'' (LA-2055, May 10, 1955) in {{cite book | author=Stanisław Marcin Ulam | title=Analogies between Analogies, The Mathematical Reports of S.M. Ulam and His Los Alamos Collaborators | publisher=University of California Press | year=1990 | url=http://ark.cdlib.org/ark:/13030/ft9g50091s/ | page= }} * Mathematics, and perhaps other sciences like physics, have the mission to prepare or improve the human brain, be it the brain of an individual or the collective brain of mankind, for developments yet to come. Just as animals play... in preparation for situations arising later in their lives, it may be that mathematics... is a collection of games. ...may be the only way to change the individual or collective human mind to prepare it for a future that no one can yet imagine. ...[L]ife appears ''[[wikt:inter alia#Adverb|inter alia]]'' as a sequence of [[Chemistry|chemical]] games... between individuals, or between groups... essentially of a mathematical nature... not... the [[w:Von Neumann–Morgenstern utility theorem|von Neumann-Morgenstern theory of games]], but more general games in the widest sense. This has perhaps... a direct [[Biology|biological]] role... a book... by... {{w|Manfred Eigen}}, ...''Das Spiel'' (''The Game'') ...describes a number of mathematical games or puzzles and discusses the games [[molecule]]s... play with each other. ...{{w|Conway's Game of Life}} ...we have seen ...starting with a simple pattern and simple recursive rules can lead to unbelievably complicated configurations... that... defy analysis ''a priori''. ** Stanislaw Ulam, ''Science, Computers, and People: From the Tree of Mathematics'' (1986) Ch. 13 "Further Applications of Mathematics in the Natural Sciences" p. 153. * In many cases, mathematics is an escape from reality. The mathematician finds his own monastic niche and happiness in pursuits that are disconnected from external affairs. Some practice it as if using a drug. Chess sometimes plays a similar role. In their unhappiness over the events of this world, some immerse themselves in a kind of self-sufficiency in mathematics. (Some have engaged in it for this reason alone.) ** Stanislaw Ulam, ''Adventures of a Mathematician'' (3rd ed, 1991) Ch. 6 "Transition And Crisis" p. 120. * What exactly is mathematics? Many have tried but nobody has really succeeded in defining mathematics; it is always something else. ...[P]eople know that it deals with numbers and figures, with patterns, relations, operations, and that its formal procedures involving axioms, proofs, lemmas, theorems have not changed since the time of [[Archimedes]]. ... that it purports to form the foundations of all [[Reason|rational thought]]. ...The [[Aesthetics|aesthetic]] side of mathematics has been of overwhelming importance throughout its growth. It is not so much whether a theorem is useful that matters, but how elegant it is. ...One can ...look conversely at ...the homely side of mathematics ...having to be [[wikt:punctilious#Adjective|punctilious]] ...having to make sure of every step. ...[O]ne cannot stop at drawing with a big, wide brush; all the details have to be filled in ...Mathematicians ...fool themselves ...when they think their main business is to prove theorems without at least indicating why they may be important. If left entirely to the aesthetic criteria, doesn't it compound the mystery? ...[I]n the decades to come there will be more understanding ...of the degree of beauty, though ...the criteria may have shifted ...[to] a super beauty in unanalyzable higher levels. ...It has to appeal to connections with other theories of the external world or to the history of the development of the human brain, or else it is purely aesthetic and very subjective in the sense that music is. ...[E]ven the quality of [[music]] will be analyzable ...by mathematizing the idea of [[analogy]]. ** Stanislaw Ulam, ''Adventures of a Mathematician'' (3rd ed, 1991) Ch. 15 "Random Reflections on Mathematics and Science" p. 273-276. * Mathematics may be a way of developing physically, that is anatomically, new connections in the brain. ** [[Stanislaw Ulam]], ''Adventures of a Mathematician'' (3rd ed, 1991) Chapter 15 "Random Reflections on Mathematics and Science" p. 277. ===V=== *Like the crests on the heads of peacocks, like the gems on the hoods of the cobras, mathematics is at the top of the Vedanga sastras. **Vedanga Jyotisa, 4 ===W=== *The Koch Curve - Triangles outside triangles outside triangles ad infinitum the Koch curve goes, it's infinitely infinitesimal, this self-similarity shows. A length too long to measure, an area too small to see, what else can this contradiction be, behold fractal geometry. **[[w:Bernt Wahl|Bernt Wahl]], ''The Adventures of the Fractal Explorer'', about the beauty of Fractal Geometry. * It is but right... to apprise you that, diffident of my own decision, the favorable opinion I favor of your performance is founded rather on the explicit and ample testimonies of Gentlemen confessedly possessed of great mathematical knowledge, than on the partial and incompetent attention I have been able to pay to it myself.—But I must be permitted to remark that the subject, in my estimation, holds a higher rank in the literary scale than you are disposed to allow.—The science of figures, to a certain degree, is not only indispensably requisite in every walk of civilised life; but investigation of mathematical truths accustoms the mind to method and correctness in reasoning, and is an employment peculiarly worthy of rational beings. In a clouded state of existence, where so many things appear precarious to the bewildered research, it is here that the rational faculties find a firm foundation to rest upon. From the high ground of mathematical and philosophical demonstration, we are insensibly led to far nobler speculations and sublimer meditations. ** [[George Washington]], Letter to Nicholas Pike (June 20, 1788) responding to Pike's 1788 edition of ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=uMo2AAAAMAAJ The New Complete System of Arithmetic: Composed for the Use of the Citizens of the United States]'', first published in the ''American Bookmaker'' (Apr, 1888) and as quoted in "Pike's Arithmetic," ''The American Stationer'' (April 19, 1888) [https://books.google.com/books?id=LUFYAAAAYAAJ Vol. 23], p.803. * I enjoy being surprised by mathematics and its intrinsic difficulty. The moment I enjoy best is when the pieces of the puzzle fall into one coherent whole. ** Katrin Wendland, ''Women in Mathematics Throughout Europe. A Gallery of Portraits'' (2016). * [A]ll science as it grows towards perfection becomes mathematical in its ideas. ** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], ''[[An Introduction to Mathematics]]'' (1911) Ch.1, [https://books.google.com/books?id=1m1TOFIKNIMC&pg=PA14 p. 14]. * By relieving the brain of all unnecessary work, a good notation sets it free to concentrate on more advanced problems, and in effect increases... mental power... Probably nothing in the modern world would have more astonished a Greek mathematician than to learn that, under the influence of compulsory education, the whole population of Western Europe, from the highest to the lowest, could perform the operation of division for the largest numbers. This fact would have seemed to him a sheer impossibility. ** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], ''[[An Introduction to Mathematics]]'' (1911) Ch. 5, [https://books.google.com/books?id=1m1TOFIKNIMC&pg=PA59 p. 59]. * Nothing is more impressive than the fact that as mathematics withdrew increasingly into the upper regions of ever greater extremes of abstract thought, it returned back to earth with a corresponding growth of importance for the analysis of concrete fact. ...The paradox is now fully established that the utmost abstractions are the true weapons with which to control our thought of concrete fact. ** [[Alfred North Whitehead]], ''Science and the Modern World'' (1925). * The only reality mathematical concepts have is as cultural elements or artifacts. ** {{w|Raymond Louis Wilder}}, ''Evolution of mathematical concepts. An Elementary Study'' (1968). * A mathematician is bound to be horrified by my mathematical comments, since he has always been trained to avoid indulging in thoughts and doubts of the kind I develop. He has learned to regard them as something contemptible and […] he has acquired a revulsion from them as infantile. That is to say, I trot out all the problems that a child learning arithmetic, etc., finds difficult, the problems that education represses without solving. I say to those repressed doubts: you are quite correct, go on asking, demand clarification! ** {{w|Ludwig Wittgenstein}}, ''Philosophical Grammar'' (1932). * There is no religious denomination in which so much sin has been committed through the misuse of metaphorical expressions as in mathematics. ** {{w|Ludwig Wittgenstein}}, ''Culture and Value'' (1977). ===Y-Z=== * I like to find out as much about a mathematical object as possible, just as you might want to understand a person as well as possible. ** Oksana Yakimova, ''Women in Mathematics Throughout Europe. A Gallery of Portraits'' (2016). Construction in mathematics * Math is perfect (in principle), but mathematicians are not (because they are humans), hence the mathematics that (human) mathematicians do is influenced by the weltanschauung of the people around them. ** [[Doron Zeilberger]] "Computerized Deconstruction". Appeared in ''Adv. Appl. Math.'' v. 31 (2003), 532-543.l * All of mathematics is arbitrary. The very language of existence, mathematics, has no reason to be a certain way. But it is. ==Quotes that mention mathematics== ===A=== * &nbsp;&nbsp; Blindly and lawlessly they did all things,<br />Until I taught them how the stars do rise<br />And set in mystery, and devised for them<br />Number, the inducer of philosophies,<br />The synthesis of Letters, and, beside,<br />The artificer of all things, Memory,<br />That sweet Muse-mother. ** [[Aeschylus]] (or by his son [[w:Euphorion (playwright)|Euphorion]]), ''{{w|Prometheus bound}}'' (ca. 480-430 BC), spoken by [[Prometheus]]<!--List rather to the deeds/I did for mortals; how being fools before,/I made them wise and true in aim of soul. .../But teaching you the intention of my gifts,/How first beholding, they beheld in vain,/And hearing, heard not, but, like shapes in dreams,/Mixed all things wildly down the tedious time,/Nor knew to build a house against the sun.../But lived like silly ants, beneath the ground/In hollow caves unsunned. There, came to them/No steadfast sign of winter, nor of spring.../But blindly and lawlessly they did all things,/Until I taught them how the stars do rise/And set in mystery, and devised for them/Number, the inducer of philosophies,/The synthesis of Letters, and, beside,/The artificer of all things, Memory,/That sweet Muse-mother.--> *The [[land]] of easy mathematics where he who [[works]] adds up and he who [[retirement|retires]] subtracts. **[[Núria Añó]], ''2066. Beginning the age of correction''. ===B=== * ''Susan'': What is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?<br>''Phoebe'': It is x minus y equals z plus y and things like that. And all the time you are saying they are equal, you feel in your heart, why should they be. **[[w:James M. Barrie|James M. Barrie]], ''[[w:Quality_Street_(play)|Quality Street]]'', act II. * I can’t help it, gas escapes from my fundament on the least pretext, it’s hard not to mention it now and then, however great my distaste. One day I counted them. Three hundred and fifteen farts in nineteen hours, or an average of over sixteen farts an hour. After all it’s not excessive. Four farts every fifteen minutes. It’s nothing. Not even one fart every four minutes. It’s unbelievable. Damn it, I hardly fart at all, I should never have mentioned it. Extraordinary how mathematics help you to know yourself. **[[Samuel Beckett]], Molloy. * They who study mathematiks only to fix their minds, and render them the steadyer to apply to all other things, as there are many who profess to do, are as wise as those who think by rowing boats, to learn to swim. ** [[Samuel Butler]], ''Prose Observations'' (Oxford: 1979), p. 4. ===C=== * Mathematical development in England was at a low ebb in the early decades of the nineteenth century, with Cambridge stagnating in the shadow of Newton, who had produced his mathematics nearly a century and a half earlier. This dead hand of tradition, which stifled much initiative and originality, was in sharp contrast to the situation in France. ** D. {{w|Mary Cannell}}, [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=Zo4Ed777VaUC&pg=PR28&dq=%22Mathematical+development+in+England+was+at+a+low+ebb%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiojrvigIDbAhWsJsAKHXkiBW4Q6AEIKTAA#v=onepage&q=%22Mathematical%20development%20in%20England%20was%20at%20a%20low%20ebb%22&f=false "George Green Mathematician and Physicist 1793-1841: The background to his life and work"] p. xxviii (second edition, 2001). * ''Advanced mathematics opens doors to many fields of study. More importantly, it expands the way you think.'' ** [[Wesley Chu]], ''The Rebirths of Tao'' (2015), <small> {{ISBN|978-0-85766-430-3}}, </small> p. 112 *Yeah, [[w:Nate Silver|Silver]] and his math are jokes, because '''math has a liberal bias'''. After all, math is the reason [[Mitt Romney]]'s tax plan doesn't add up. **[[Stephen Colbert]], ''The Colbert Report'' ({{#formatdate:2012-11-05}})[http://www.colbertnation.com/full-episodes/mon-november-5-2012-nate-silver]. * I was an atheist, finding no reason to postulate the existence of any truths outside of mathematics, [[physics]] and [[chemistry]]. But then I went to medical school, and encountered life and death issues at the bedsides of my patients. Challenged by one of those patients, who asked "What do you believe, doctor?", I began searching for answers. ** [[Francis Collins]], a geneticist who led the U.S. government’s effort to decipher the human genome (DNA). [http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/04/03/collins.commentary/ cnn.com]. * Magick, mysticism, and the mathematics are triplets. ** [[Aleister Crowley]], ''The Confessions of Aleister Crowley'' (1929), chapter 27.[https://hermetic.com/crowley/confessions/chapter27] ===D'-L'=== * In the pure mathematics, we contemplate absolute truths, which existed in the Divine Mind before the morning stars sang together, and which will continue to exist there, when the last of their radiant host shall have fallen from heaven. ** [[Edward Everett]] (ca. 1850) as quoted by [[Eric Temple Bell]], ''[https://archive.org/details/MathematicsQueenAndServantOfScience Mathematics, Queen and Servant of Science]'' (1952) p. 21. *A man with all the algebra in the world is often only an ass when he knows nothing else. Perhaps in ten years society may derive advantage from the curves which these visionary algebraists will have laboriously squared. I congratulate posterity beforehand. But to tell you the truth I see nothing but a scientific extravagance in all these calculations. That which is neither useful nor agreeable is worthless. And as for useful things, they have all been discovered; and to those which are agreeable, I hope that good taste will not admit algebra among them. **[[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. Richard Aldington, letter 93 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]], 16 May 1749. *As to your Newton, I confess I do not understand his void and his gravity; I admit he has demonstrated the movement of the heavenly bodies with more exactitude than his forerunners; but you will admit it is an absurdity to maintain the existence of Nothing. **[[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. Richard Aldington, letter 221 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]], 25 November 1777. *Euler calculated the force of the wheels necessary to raise the water in a reservoir … My mill was carried out geometrically and could not raise a drop of water fifty yards from the reservoir. Vanity of vanities! Vanity of geometry! **[[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick the Great]], ''Letters of Voltaire and Frederick the Great'' (New York: Brentano's, 1927), transl. Richard Aldington, letter 221 from [[Frederick II of Prussia|Frederick]] to [[Voltaire]], 25 November 1777. * Measuring is one of the more practical uses of mathematics, but the ability and desire to measure aren't always wrapped up with the need to know useful answers. ** {{w|Kitty Ferguson}}, Measuring the Universe: Our Historic Quest to Chart the Horizons of, Space and Time, Prologue (p. 3), Walker & Company (1999). * Letting numbers take us where we can't go in person — whether that's to the top of a windmill or to the origin and borders of the universe — has been and still is one of humankind's favorite intellectual adventures. ** {{w|Kitty Ferguson}}, Measuring the Universe: Our Historic Quest to Chart the Horizons of, Space and Time, Prologue (p. 3), Walker & Company (1999). *'''The Devil''': Okay, boys...tonight's homework. Algebra. Xn + Yn = Zn. You're never gonna use that, are you? Imperialism and the First World War. What was done is done. No point thinking about it now. German, French, Spanish. Ja, ja, oui, oui, s, s. It's nonsense. Everyone speaks [[English language|English]] anyway. And if they don't, they ought to. So, no homework tonight. But I want you to watch a lot of [[TV]], don't neglect your [[Video games|video games]]...and I'll see you in the morning. Shall we say 10:00, 10:30? No point in getting up too early. ** Larry Gelbart, Harold Ramis and Peter Tolan, [[Bedazzled (2000 film)]]. * Mathematics is really a liberal art if you look at it from a slightly different point of view. ** [[Steve Jobs]], ''Steve Jobs Lost Interview - A must watch for any entrepeneur'' (1990). * The mathematical genius can only carry on from the point which mathematical knowledge within his culture has already reached. Thus if Einstein had been born into a primitive tribe which was unable to count beyond three, life-long application to mathematics probably would not have carried him beyond the development of a decimal system based on fingers and toes. ** [[w:Ralph Linton|Ralph Linton]], ''The Study of Man'' (1936). ===M'-Z'=== * So far, all of reality seems to be described by exquisite, elegant mathematical equations. We can’t stop now – it’s got to be beautiful all the way down! ** {{w|Katie Mack}}, [http://phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=941 ''PhD Comic''] with attribution of quote at [https://twitter.com/astrokatie/status/534316357425176577 ''@astrokatie on twitter'']. * Poetry is a sort of inspired mathematics, which gives us equations, not for abstract figures, triangles, squares, and the like, but for the human emotions. If one has a mind which inclines to magic rather than science, one will prefer to speak of these equations as spells or incantations; it sounds more arcane, mysterious, recondite. ** [[Ezra Pound]], ''[[w:The Spirit of Romance|The Spirit of Romance]]'' (1910), p. 5. * [[w:Halakhah|Halakhic]] man, well furnished with rules, judgments, and fundamental principles, draws near the world with an [[w:A priori|a priori]] relation. His approach begins with an ideal creation and concludes with a real one. To whom may he be compared? To a mathematician who fashions an ideal world and then uses it for the purpose of establishing a relationship between it and the real world. ... The essence of the Halakhah, which was received from God, consists in creating an ideal world and cognizing the relationship between that ideal world and our concrete environment. ** [[Joseph B. Soloveitchik]], ''Halakhic Man'' (1983), p. 19. * Mathematics is a versatile art; it can be applied to widely different purposes. Math has no morality; it does not care what it counts or what it proves. ** [[w:Brian Stableford|Brian Stableford]], ''Ashes and Tombstones,'' in [[w:Peter Crowther|Peter Crowther]] (ed.) [[w:Peter Crowther|''Moon Shots'']] (1999), reprinted in [[w:David G. Hartwell|David G. Hartwell]] (ed.) [[w:''Year's Best SF 5''|''Year's Best SF 5'']] (2000), p. 412. * I had been to school most all the time and could spell and read and write just a little, and could say the multiplication table up to six times seven is thirty-five, and I don't reckon I could ever get any further than that if I was to live forever. I don't take no stock in mathematics anyway. ** [[Mark Twain]] as [[Huckleberry Finn]], ''[[s:Adventures of Huckleberry Finn|The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn]]'' (1885). * School children and students who love God should never say: “For my part I like mathematics”; “I like French”; “I like Greek.” They should learn to like all these subjects, because all of them develop that faculty of attention which, directed toward God, is the very substance of prayer. ** [[Simone Weil]], ''Waiting for God'' (1951), p. 105. * The number 2 thought of by one man cannot be added to the number 2 thought of by another man so us to make up the number 4. ** [[Simone Weil]], ''Oppression and Liberty'' (1958), p. 82. {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == *The good Christian should beware of mathematicians, and all those who make empty prophesies. The danger already exists that the mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of Hell. ** Misattributed to [[Augustine of Hippo]]. This is a very bad mistranslation of ''[http://www.augustinus.it/latino/genesi_lettera/index2.htm De genesi ad litteram libri XII, book 2], 17.37''. 'Mathematici' in Latin means astrologers, not mathematicians, and the book makes repeated attacks on astrology. The text really reads: For which reason both astrologers and those impiously making divinings, as the truth says emphatically, must be avoided by the good Christian, lest after making a pact of agreement they entangle their soul in a hidden partnership with demons. {{Misattributed end}} == See also == * [[Algebra]] * [[Calculus]] * [[Foundations of mathematics]] * [[History of logarithms]] * [[History of mathematics]] * [[Game theory]] * [[Mathematics education]] * [[Mathematical induction]] * [[Mathematicians]] * [[Statistics]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|mathematics}} {{commonscat}} *[http://web.archive.org/web/20060425162338/http://mathdl.maa.org/convergence/1/?pa=quote&sa=browseQuotesFrontEnd Mathematics Quotes] at [http://web.archive.org/web/20060212072618/http://mathdl.maa.org/convergence/1/ Convergence] * [https://www.livewebtutors.com/usa/math-homework-help Math Homework] {{Math quotes}} [[Category:Mathematics| ]] qlnzjyourid40wjnwoy6rkwutwk95yp 0 2730 3944501 3819148 2026-05-23T14:46:23Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 Adding original Greek to fragments, updating to TrGF numbering, arranging/cleaning 3944501 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Euripides Pio-Clementino Inv302.jpg|thumb|right|In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side.]] '''[[w:Euripides|Euripides]]''' (Greek: Εὐριπίδης; c. [[480 BC]]–[[406 BC]]) was a [[:Category:Authors|Greek playwright]]. == Quotes == * ἁγὼ οὔτινι θύω πλὴν ἐμοὶ, θεοῖσι δ᾽ οὔ, <br/> καὶ τῇ μεγίστῃ γαστρὶ τῇδε δαιμόνων. ** I sacrifice to no god save myself — <br/> And to my belly, greatest of deities. ** [[w:Cyclops (play)|''Cyclops'']] (''c''. 424-23 BC) l. 334 (ed. [[w:Burton Egbert Stevenson|B. E. Stevenson]], 1948<!--''The Home Book of Proverbs, Maxims and Familiar Phrases'' (New York: Macmillan Co., 1948) p. 165-->) **: To what other God but to myself <br/> And this great belly, first of deities, <br/> Should I be bound to sacrifice? <br/> (tr. [[Percy Bysshe Shelley|P. B. Shelley]], wr. 1819; pub. 1824) * I care for riches, to make gifts <br> To friends, or lead a sick man back to health<br> With ease and plenty. Else small aid is wealth <br> For daily gladness; once a man be done <br> With hunger, rich and poor are all as one. ** [[w:Electra (Euripides play)|''Electra'']] (413 BC) l. ? (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1906)<!--Cited in ''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968--> * On behalf of all those dead<br>who learned their hatred of women long ago,<br>for those who hate them now, for those unborn<br>who shall live to hate them yet, I now declare<br>my firm conviction: neither earth nor ocean<br>produces a creature as savage and monstrous<br>as woman. ** [[w:Hecuba (play)|''Hecuba'']] (424 BC), ll. 1177-1182 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1956<!--'''Euripides III'' (University of Chicago Press, 1956)-->) **: Let me tell you, if anyone in the past has spoken<br>ill of women, or speaks so now or will speak so<br>in the future, I’ll sum it up for him: Neither sea<br>nor land has ever produced a more monstrous<br>creature than woman.<br>(tr. Jay Kardan and Laura-Gray Street, 2011, in ''Didaskalia'', [https://didaskalia.net/issues/8/32/ vol. 8 no. 32]) * λόγος γάρ ἐστιν οὐκ ἐμός, σοφὸν δ᾽ ἔπος,<br>δεινῆς ἀνάγκης οὐδὲν ἰσχύειν πλέον. ** '''Nothing has more strength than dire necessity.''' ** [[w:Helen (play)|''Helen'']] (412 BC), l. 510 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956), quoting "a saying" * Man's most valuable trait<br>is a judicious sense of what not to believe. ** ''Helen'', ll. 1617-1618 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) **: There is naught more serviceable to mankind than a prudent distrust. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--''The Plays of Euripides'' (London: George Bell & Sons, 1891), 2 vols.--><!--Unsourced: "Nothing is more useful to mankind than a prudent distrust."--> * Who can decide a plea or judge a speech until he has heard plainly from both sides? ** [[w:Children of Heracles|''Heraclidæ'']] (''c''. 428 BC), [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0104%3Acard%3D134 ll. 179-180] (tr. David Kovacs), quoted by [[Aristophanes]] in ''The Wasps'' **: In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side. —''Forbes'', vol. 86 no. 10 (15 Nov. 1960) p. 70 * '''Leave no stone unturned.''' ** ''Heraclidæ'' (''c''. 428 BC), l. 1002 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--cf. [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Butler]], ''Hudibras''--> * '''Ares hates those who hesitate.''' ** ''Heraclidæ'' (''c''. 428 BC), l. 722 (ed. H. L. Mencken, 1942, '60)<!--H. L. Mencken, ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles'' (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1942; 1960)--> **: Ares hates the sluggard most of all. (tr. David Kovacs) * Yet do I hold that mortal foolish who strives against the stress of necessity. ** [[w:Herakles (Euripides)|''Hercules Furens'']], l. 281 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * O lady, nobility is thine, and thy form is the reflection of thy nature! ** [[w:Ion (play)|''Ion'']]<!--"Gon."--> (''c''. 421-408 BC) l. 238 (tr. E. F. Burr, 1880)<!--''Dio, the Athenian; or, From Olympus to Calvary'' (New York: Phillips & Hunt, 1880, ch. 17 epigraph (p. 385); also in J. K. Hoyt and Anna L. Ward, ''The Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations'' (New York: I. K. Funk & Co., 1882), p. 290--> * Authority is never without hate. ** ''Ion'' (c. 421-408 BC) l. ? (tr. Ronald F. Willetts, 1958) * Thou didst bring me forth for all the Greeks in common, not for thyself alone. ** [[w:Iphigenia in Aulis|''Iphigenia in Aulis'']], l. 1386 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''A coward turns away, but a brave man's choice is danger.''' ** [[w:Iphigenia in Tauris|''Iphigenia in Tauris'']] (''c''. 412 BC) l. 114 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) * '''There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy change.''' ** ''Iphigenia in Tauris'' (''c''. 412 BC) l. 721 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''Slight not what's near through aiming at what's far.''' ** [[w:Rhesus (play)|''Rhesus'']] (''c''. 435 BC) l. 482 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''For naught is there more sweet unto an aged sire than a daughter's love.''' ** [[w:The Suppliants (Euripides)|''The Suppliants'']] (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--Unsourced: '''For nothing is there more sweet unto an aged father than a daughter'''--> * Naught is more hostile to a city than a despot; where he is, there are in the first place no laws common to all, but one man is tyrant, in whose keeping and in his alone the law resides, and in that case equality is at an end. ** ''The Suppliants'' (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * '''Helen''': What happened in my heart, to make me leave my home<br />And my own land, to follow where a stranger led?<br />Rail at the goddess; be more resolute than Zeus,<br />Who holds power over all other divinities<br />But is himself the slave of love. Show Aphrodite<br />Your indignation; me, pardon and sympathy.<br />'''Hecabe''': No; Paris was an extremely handsome man – one look,<br />And your appetite became your Aphrodite. Why,<br />Men's lawless lusts are all called love – it's a confusion<br />Easily made. ** ''[[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]]'' (c. 415 BC), ll. 946–950 and 987–990 (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1954) === ''[[w:Alcestis|Alcestis]]'' (438 BC) === [[File:Alcestis and Admetus Ancient Roman fresco (45–79 AD) from the Augusteum-Basilica, Herculaneum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. <br> We all of us are debtors unto death.]] * Οὔποτε φήσω γάμον εὐφραίνειν <br> πλέον ἢ λυπεῖν. ** Never say that marriage has more of joy than pain. ** l. 238, Chorus-Leader (tr. Dudley Fitts and Robert Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐχθρὰ γὰρ ἡ 'πιοῦσα μητρυιὰ τέκνοις <br> τοῖς πρόσθ᾽, ἐχίδνης οὐδὲν ἠπιωτέρα. ** A second wife <br> is hateful to the children of the first, <br> a viper is not more hateful. ** l. 309, Alcestis (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Εἰ δ᾽ Ὀρφέως μοι γλῶσσα καὶ μέλος παρῆν, <br> ὥστ᾽ ἢ κόρην Δήμητρος ἢ κείνης πόσιν <br> ὕμνοισι κηλήσαντά σ᾽ ἐξ Ἅιδου λαβεῖν, <br> κατῆλθον ἄν, καί μ᾽ οὔθ᾽ ὁ Πλούτωνος κύων <br> οὔθ᾽ οὑπὶ κώπῃ ψυχοπομπὸς ἂν Χάρων <br> ἔσχον, πρὶν ἐς φῶς σὸν καταστῆσαι βίον. ** '''Oh, if I had [[w:Orpheus|Orpheus]]' voice and poetry <br>with which to move the Dark Maid and her Lord, <br>I'd call you back, dear love, from the world below.''' <br>I'd go down there for you. Charôn or the grim <br>King's dog could not prevent me then <br>from carrying you up into the fields of light. ** l. 358, Admetus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) **: Had I the tongue, the tuneful yoice of Orpheus to charm Demeter's daughter or her husband by my lay and bring thee back from Hades, I had gone down, nor Pluto's hound, nor Charon, ferryman of souls, whose hand is on the oar, had held me back, till to the light I had restored thee alive. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὐ γάρ τι πρῶτος οὐδὲ λοίσθιος βροτῶν <br> γυναικὸς ἐσθλῆς ἤμπλακες: γίγνωσκε δὲ <br> ὡς πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. ** Thou art by no means the first nor yet shalt be the last of men to lose a wife of worth; know this, we all of us are debtors unto death. ** l. 416<!--415-->, Chorus-Leader (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Thou shalt not be the last, nor yet the first, <br> To lose a noble wife. Be brave, and know <br> To die is but a debt that all men owe. <br> (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1915) **: Not first of mortals thou, nor shalt be last <br> To lose a noble wife; and, be thou sure, <br> From us, from all, this debt is due — to die. <br> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: You are neither the first nor the last of mortals <br> to lose a noble wife; understand that <br> everyone is obliged to die. <br> (tr. Ruby Blondell, 1999<!--''Women On the Edge: Four Plays'' (Routledge, 1999)-->) * Κούφα σοι χθὼν ἐπάνωθε πέσοι. ** Light be the earth upon you, lightly rest. ** l. 462, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--Thus petitions the Chorus over the dead body of the heroine, untimely rapt away. Cf. [[Martial]], 9, 30, 11: ''Sit tibi terra levis'' (abbrev. ''S.T.T.L.'')—"May earth lie light upon thee." Common funeral inscription. [[Ovid]], in the same spirit, prays for the repose of [[Tibullus]], ''Amores, 3, 9, 67), ''Ossa quieta precor tuta requiescite in urna, / Et sit humus cineri non onerosa tuo.''—"Inurned in peace, may thy bones rest, I pray; / And on thy ashes earth no burden lay." —''Classical and Foreign Quotations'' (1904) no. 2578--><!--Cf. [[Beaumont and Fletcher#The Maid's Tragedy (c. 1609; published 1619|Beaumont and Fletcher]], ''[[w:The Maid's Tragedy|The Maid's Tragedy]]'' (c. 1609), act 2, sc. 2. [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], ''Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady'' (1717, '20), ll. 64–5. [[Oscar Wilde|Wilde]], ''Requiescat'' (1881)--> * Μάτην ἄρ᾽ οἱ γέροντες εὔχονται θανεῖν, <br> γῆρας ψέγοντες καὶ μακρὸν χρόνον βίου: <br> ἢν δ᾽ ἐγγὺς ἔλθῃ θάνατος, οὐδεὶς βούλεται <br> θνῄσκειν, τὸ γῆρας δ᾽ οὐκέτ᾽ ἔστ᾽ αὐτοῖς βαρύ. ** Old men's prayers for death are lying prayers, in which they abuse old age and long extent of life. But when death draws near, not one is willing to die, and age no longer is a burden to them. ** l. 669, Admetus (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * Κακῶς ἀκούειν οὐ μέλει θανόντι μοι. ** Dishonour will not trouble me, once I am dead. ** l. 726, Pheres (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--"When I am gone, I care not what men say." (tr. David Kovacs, 1994)--> * Βροτοῖς ἅπασι κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται, <br> κοὐκ ἔστι θνητῶν ὅστις ἐξεπίσταται <br> τὴν αὔριον μέλλουσαν εἰ βιώσεται: <br> τὸ τῆς τύχης γὰρ ἀφανὲς οἷ προβήσεται, <br> κἄστ᾽ οὐ διδακτὸν οὐδ᾽ ἁλίσκεται τέχνῃ. ** Death is the common debt of man; no mortal really knows if he will live to see the morrow's light; for Fortune's issues are not in our ken, beyond the teacher's rule they lie, no art can master them. ** ll. 783-6, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow." (tr. Robert and Mary Collison, 1980); ''Dictionary of Foreign Quotations'' (New York: Facts on File, 1980) p. 114--> * Τὸν καθ᾽ ἡμέραν <br> βίον λογίζου σόν, τὰ δ᾽ ἄλλα τῆς τύχης. ** Count the present day thine own, the rest to Fortune yield. ** l. 788, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Today's today. Tomorrow we may be<br>Ourselves gone down the drain of Eternity. <br> (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐγὼ καὶ διὰ μούσας <br> καὶ μετάρσιος ᾖξα, καὶ <br> πλείστων ἁψάμενος λόγων <br> κρεῖσσον οὐδὲν Ἀνάγκας. ** '''I have found power in the mysteries of thought, <br> Exaltation in the changing of the Muses; <br> I have been versed in the reasonings of men; <br> But Fate is stronger than anything I have known.''' ** ll. 962–65, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Χρόνος μαλάξει, νῦν δ᾽ ἔθ᾽ ἡβάσκει, κακόν. ** Time cancels young pain. ** l. 1085, Heracles (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) === ''[[w:Medea (play)|Medea]]'' (431 BC) === :<small><!--Greek text: David Kovacs (ed.) [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text.jsp?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0113%3Acard%3D1 online] at [[w:Perseus Digital Library|''Perseus Digital Library'']]--></small> [[File:Relief of Medea and the Peliades Antikensammlung Berlin.jpg|thumb|A herb most bruised is woman.]] * Ἥπερ μεγίστη γίγνεται σωτηρία, <br> ὅταν γυνὴ πρὸς ἄνδρα μὴ διχοστατῇ. ** The greatest safeguard this when wife and husband do agree. *** ll. 14–15, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Surely this doth bind, <br> Through all ill days, the hurts of humankind, <br> When man and woman in one music move. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1906) * Νέα γὰρ φροντὶς οὐκ ἀλγεῖν φιλεῖ. ** The soul of the young is no friend to sorrow. *** l. 48, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Παλαιὰ καινῶν λείπεται κηδευμάτων. ** Old ties give way to new. *** ll. 76, Attendant (tr. Coleridge) * Ἀπωλόμεσθ᾽ ἄρ᾽, εἰ κακὸν προσοίσομεν <br> νέον παλαιῷ, πρὶν τόδ᾽ ἐξηντληκέναι. ** Undone are we, if to old woes fresh ones we add, ere we have drained the former to the dregs. *** ll. 78–79, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Τῶν γὰρ μετρίων πρῶτα μὲν εἰπεῖν <br> τοὔνομα νικᾷ, χρῆσθαί τε μακρῷ <br> λῷστα βροτοῖσιν. ** Moderate fortune has a name that is fairest on the tongue, and in practice it is by far the most beneficial thing for mortals. *** ll. 125–27, Nurse (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) * Τὰ δ᾽ ὑπερβάλλοντ᾽ <br> οὐδένα καιρὸν δύναται θνητοῖς, <br> μείζους δ᾽ ἄτας, ὅταν ὀργισθῇ <br> δαίμων οἴκοις, ἀπέδωκεν. ** But greatness that doth o'erreach itself, brings no blessing to mortal men; but pays a penalty of greater ruin whenever fortune is wroth with a family. *** ll. 127–30, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Καίτοι τάδε μὲν κέρδος ἀκεῖσθαι <br> μολπαῖσι βροτούς. ** This were surely a gain, to heal men's wounds by music's spell. *** ll. 199–200, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Χρὴ δὲ ξένον μὲν κάρτα προσχωρεῖν πόλει. ** A stranger most of all should adopt a city's views. *** l. 222, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πάντων δ᾽ ὅσ᾽ ἔστ᾽ ἔμψυχα καὶ γνώμην ἔχει<br />γυναῖκές ἐσμεν ἀθλιώτατον φυτόν:<br />ἃς πρῶτα μὲν δεῖ χρημάτων ὑπερβολῇ<br />πόσιν πρίασθαι, δεσπότην τε σώματος [...]<br />κἀν τῷδ᾽ ἀγὼν μέγιστος, ἢ κακὸν λαβεῖν<br />ἢ χρηστόν. ** Of all things that have life and sense we women are the most hapless creatures; first must we buy a husband at an exorbitant price, and o'er ourselves a tyrant set which is an evil worse than the first; and herein lies the most important issue, whether bur choice be good or bad. *** ll. 230–33, 235–36, Medea (tr. Coleridge) **: <!--&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Oh,<br />-->Of all things upon earth that bleed and grow, <br /> A herb most bruised is woman. We must pay <br /> Our store of gold, hoarded for that one day, <br /> To buy us some man's love; and lo, they bring <br /> A master of our flesh! There comes the sting <br /> Of the whole shame. And then the jeopardy, <br /> For good or ill, what shall that master be. <br /> (tr. Gilbert Murray) <!-- **: Thus is it, of all beings, that have life <br /> And sense, we women are most wretched; first <br /> With all our dearest treasures we must buy <br /> A husband, and in him receive a lord: <br /> And hardship this: a greater hardship yet <br /> Awaits us; here's the question, if this lord <br /> Prove gentle, or a tyrant. <br /> (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|Robert Potter]], 1781, 1814; ''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (London, 1814) vol. 1 of 2) **: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But sure among all those <br /> Who have with breath and reason been endued. <br /> We women are the most unhappy race, <br /> First with abundant gold are we constrain'd <br /> To buy a husband, and in him receive <br /> A haughty master. Still doth there remain <br /> One mischief than this mischief yet more grievous. <br /> The hazard whether we. procure a mate <br /> Worthless or virtuous. <br /> (tr. [[w:Michael Wodhull|Michael Wodhull]], 1782, 1809; ''The Nineteen Tragedies and Fragments of Euripides'' (London, 1809) vol. 1 of 3) **: But of all things as many as have life and intellect, we women are the most wretched race. Who indeed first must purchase a husband with excess of money, and receive him a lord of our persons; for this is a still greater ill than the former. And in this is the greatest risk, whether we receive a bad one or a good one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|Theodore A. Buckley]], 1858; ''The tragedies of Euripides'' (London: Henry G. Bohn, 1858) vol. 1) **: Surely, of creatures that have life and wit, <br /> We women are of all things wretchedest, <br /> Who, first, must needs, as buys the highest bidder, <br /> Thus buy a husband, and our body's master <br /> So win—for deeper depth of ill is this. <br /> Nay, risk is dire herein, — or shall we gain <br /> An evil lord or good? <br /> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: We women are the most unfortunate creatures. <br /> Firstly, with an excess of wealth it is required <br /> For us to buy a husband and take for our bodies <br /> A master; for not to take one is even worse. <br /> And now the question is serious whether we take <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Rex Warner|Rex Warner]], 1944) **: Surely, of all creatures that have life and will, we women <br /> Are the most wretched. When, for an extravagant sum, <br /> We have bought a husband, we must then accept him as <br /> Possessor of our body. This is to aggravate <br /> Wrong with worse wrong. Then the great question: will the man <br /> We get be bad or good? <br /> (tr. [[w:Philip Vellacott|Philip Vellacott]], 1963) **: Of all creatures that live and have understanding <br /> We women are the wretchedest breed alive; <br /> First, we must use excessive amounts of cash <br /> To buy our husbands, and what we get are masters <br /> Of our bodies. This is the worst pain of all. <br /> In fact, this is no small struggle, whether he’ll be <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. A. J. Podlecki, 1989, 1996; Focus Classical Library) **: Of all creatures that have breath and sensation, we women are the most unfortunate. First at an exorbitant price we must buy a husband and master of our bodies. [This misfortune is more painful than misfortune.] And the outcome of our life's striving hangs on this, whether we take a bad or a good husband. <br /> (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) **: Of all creatures that have life and reason we women are the most miserable of specimens! In the first place, at great expense we must buy a husband, taking a master to play tyrant with our bodies (this is an injustice that crowns the other one). And here lies the crucial issue for us, whether we get a good man or a bad. <br /> (tr. John Davie, 1996; ''Medea and Other Plays'' (Penguin Books, 1996, 2003)) **: Of all creatures that live and understand,<br />we women suffer most.<br />In the first place we must, for a vast sum,<br />buy a husband; what’s worse,<br />with him our bodies get a master.<br />And here’s what’s most at stake:<br />Did we get a man who’s good or bad?<br />(tr. Rachel Kitzinger, 2016; ''The Greek Plays: Sixteen Plays by Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides'' (Modern Library, 2016))--> * Ὡς τρὶς ἂν παρ᾿ ἀσπίδα <br> στῆναι θέλοιμ᾿ ἂν μᾶλλον ἢ τεκεῖν ἅπαξ. ** I would gladly take my stand in battle array three times o'er, than once give birth. *** ll. 250–51, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Κρεῖσσον δέ μοι νῦν πρός σ᾽ ἀπεχθέσθαι, γύναι, <br> ἢ μαλθακισθένθ᾽ ὕστερον μεταστένειν. ** 'Tis better for me to incur thy hatred now, lady, than to soften my heart and bitterly repent it hereafter. ** ll. 290–91, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ γὰρ ὀξύθυμος, ὡς δ᾽ αὔτως ἀνήρ, <br> ῥᾴων φυλάσσειν ἢ σιωπηλὸς σοφή. ** For cunning woman, and man likewise, is easier to guard against when quick-tempered than when taciturn. *** ll. 319–20, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Φεῦ φεῦ, βροτοῖς ἔρωτες ὡς κακὸν μέγα. ** Ah me! ah me! to mortal man how dread a scourge is love! *** l. 330, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πρὸς δὲ καὶ πεφύκαμεν<br />γυναῖκες, ἐς μὲν ἔσθλ᾽ ἀμηχανώταται,<br />κακῶν δὲ πάντων τέκτονες σοφώταται. ** We are women, unable to perform noble deeds, but most skilful architects of every sort of harm. *** l. 407, Medea (tr. Kovacs)<!--tr. David Kovacs, ''Perseus Digital Library'': "We are women, unable to perform great deeds of valor, but most skilful architects of every evil."--> * Ἄνω ποταμῶν ἱερῶν χώρονσι παγαί. ** The fountains of sacred rivers flow upwards. *** l. 410<!--409-->, Chorus (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 468-->)<!--Also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922) p. 675 (''i.e.'' everything is turned topsy turvy).--> * Δεινή τις ὀργὴ καὶ δυσίατος πέλει, <br> ὅταν φίλοι φίλοισι συμβάλωσ᾽ ἔριν. ** There is a something terrible and past all cure, when quarrels arise 'twixt those who are near and dear. *** ll. 520–21, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Χρῆν τἄρ᾽ ἄλλοθέν ποθεν βροτοὺς <br> παῖδας τεκνοῦσθαι, θῆλυ δ᾽ οὐκ εἶναι γένος: <br> χοὔτως ἂν οὐκ ἦν οὐδὲν ἀνθρώποις κακόν. ** Men should have begotten children from some other source, no female race existing; thus would no evil ever have fallen on mankind. *** ll. 573–76 (tr. Coleridge) * Ἐμοὶ γὰρ ὅστις ἄδικος ὢν σοφὸς λέγειν <br> πέφυκε, πλείστην ζημίαν ὀφλισκάνει. ** To me a wicked man who is also eloquent seems the most guilty of them all. *** ll. 580–81, Medea (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1963) * Κακοῦ γὰρ ἀνδρὸς δῶρ᾽ ὄνησιν οὐκ ἔχει. ** The gifts of a bad man bring no good with them. *** l. 618, Medea (tr. [[w:Morris H. Morgan|Morris H. Morgan]]<!--''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892; 13th ed. 1937-->)<!--Other translations: (1) ''The Hecuba, Orestes, Phœnician Virgins, and Medea, of Euripides; Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (Oxford: for D. A. Talboys, 1820), p. 214: "For the gifts of a bad man bring no assistance." (2) T. W. C. Edwards, ''The Medea, Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (London: Simpkin, Marshall, and Co., 1840: "For the gifts of a bad man have no avail."--> * Ἔρωτες ὑπὲρ μὲν ἄγαν ἐλθόντες οὐκ εὐδοξίαν <br /> οὐδ᾽ ἀρετὰν παρέδωκαν ἀνδράσιν. ** When love is in excess it brings a man nor honor nor any worthiness. *** ll. 627–28, Chorus (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) * Στέργοι δέ με σωφροσύνα, δώρημα κάλλιστον θεῶν. ** Moderation, the noblest gift of Heaven. *** l. 636, Chorus (tr. [[Georgiana Chatterton#Translations|Georgiana Chatterton]], 1863)<!--''The Heiress and Her Lovers'' (London: Richard Bentley, 1863), vol. 2 (front matter); cited in ''Bartlett's'', 1892--> * Ὦ πατρίς, ὦ δώματα, μὴ <br> δῆτ᾽ ἄπολις γενοίμαν <br> τὸν ἀμηχανίας ἔχουσα <br> δυσπέρατον αἰῶ, <br> οἰκτρότατόν <γ᾽> ἀχέων. ** O my country, O my own dear home! God grant I may never be an outcast from my city, leading that cruel helpless life, whose every day is misery. *** ll. 645–49, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Μό- <br /> χθων δ᾽ οὐκ ἄλλος ὕπερθεν ἢ <br /> γᾶς πατρίας στέρεσθαι. ** Of troubles none is greater than to be robbed of one’s native land. *** l. 651<!--653-->, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) **: For nothing is like the sorrow or supersedes the sadness of losing your native land. (tr. [[w:Paul Roche|Paul Roche]], 1974) * Οὐ γὰρ γελᾶσθαι τλητὸν ἐξ ἐχθρῶν. ** I cannot endure the taunts of enemies. *** l. 797, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ δὲ θῆλυ κἀπὶ δακρύοις ἔφυ. ** Woman is a weak creature, ever given to tears. *** l. 934, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πείθειν δῶρα καὶ θεοὺς λόγος. ** It is said that gifts persuade even the gods. *** l. 964, Medea (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--W. Gurney Benham, ''A Book of Quotations'' (1907), p. 470-->)<!--also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922), p. 311--> * Χρυσὸς δὲ κρείσσων μυρίων λόγων βροτοῖς. ** O'er men's minds gold holds more potent sway than countless words. *** l. 965, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Καὶ μανθάνω μὲν οἷα τολμήσω κακά, <br /> θυμὸς δὲ κρείσσων τῶν ἐμῶν βουλευμάτων, <br> ὅσπερ μεγίστων αἴτιος κακῶν βροτοῖς. ** I know, indeed, the evil of that I purpose; but my inclination gets the better of my judgment. *** ll. 1078–80, Medea (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--At last I understand the awful deed I am to do; but passion, that cause of direst woes to mortal man, hath triumphed o'er my sober thoughts. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * θνητῶν γὰρ οὐδείς ἐστιν εὐδαίμων ἀνήρ. ** Amongst mortals no man is happy. *** l. 1228, Messenger (tr. Coleridge) * Χαλεπὰ γὰρ βροτοῖς ὁμογενῆ μιά-<br>σματ᾽, ἕπεται δ᾽ ἅμ᾽ αὐτοφόνταις ξυνῳ-<br>δὰ θεόθεν πίτνοντ᾽ ἐπὶ δόμοις ἄχη. ** Grievous for mortals is the stain of kindred blood. For the murderers are dogged by woes harmonious with their deeds, sent by the gods upon their houses. *** ll. 1268–70, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) * Τῶν δ᾽ ἀδοκήτων πόρον ηὗρε θεός. ** For the unlooked-for god finds out a way. *** l. 1418, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) === ''[[w:Hippolytus (play)|Hippolytus]]'' (428 BC) === [[File:Archaeologische Hermeneutik; Anleitung zur Deutung klassischer Bildwerke (1919) (14758094276).jpg|thumb|Αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser.]] * Τίς δ᾽ οὐ σεμνὸς ἀχθεινὸς βροτῶν. ** Reserve in man is ever galling. *** l. 94, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Πᾶς δ᾽ ὀδυνηρὸς βίος ἀνθρώπων <br> κοὐκ ἔστι πόνων ἀνάπαυσις. ** Man's whole life is full of anguish; no respite from his woes he finds. *** ll. 189–90, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Μοχθεῖν δὲ βροτοῖσιν ἀνάγκη. ** Suffering for mortals is nature's iron law. *** l. 207, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Τὸ γὰρ ὀρθοῦσθαι γνώμην ὀδυνᾷ, <br> τὸ δὲ μαινόμενον κακόν: ἀλλὰ κρατεῖ <br> μὴ γιγνώσκοντ᾽ ἀπολέσθαι. ** Tis painful coming to one's senses again, and madness, evil though it be, has this advantage, that one has no knowledge of reason's overthrow. *** ll. 247–49, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Χρῆν γὰρ μετρίας εἰς ἀλλήλους <br> φιλίας θνητοὺς ἀνακίρνασθαι <br> καὶ μὴ πρὸς ἄκρον μυελὸν ψυχῆς. ** Mortal men should pledge themselves to moderate friendships only, not to such as reach the very heart's core. *** ll. 253–55, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὕτω τὸ λίαν ἧσσον ἐπαινῶ <br> τοῦ μηδὲν ἄγαν. ** I do not praise excess so much as moderation. *** ll. 264–65, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὅταν γὰρ αἰσχρὰ τοῖσιν ἐσθλοῖσιν δοκῇ, <br> ἦ κάρτα δόξει τοῖς κακοῖς γ᾽ εἶναι καλά. ** For when the noble countenance disgrace, poor folk of course will think that it is right. *** ll. 411–12, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--For, when the noble count their shame their good, / The lowly sure will hold it honourable. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * Μισῶ δὲ καὶ τὰς σώφρονας μὲν ἐν λόγοις, <br> λάθρᾳ δὲ τόλμας οὐ καλὰς κεκτημένας. ** Those too I hate who make profession of purity, though in secret reckless sinners. *** ll. 413–14, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--And O, I hate the continent-professed / Which treasure secret recklessness of shame. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * Mόνον δὲ τοῦτό φασ᾽ ἁμιλλᾶσθαι βίῳ, <br> γνώμην δικαίαν κἀγαθήν ὅτῳ παρῇ<!--τύχῃ-->. ** One thing only, they say, competes in value with life, the possession of a heart blameless and good. *** ll. 426-27, Phaedra (tr. David Kovacs, 1995)<!--Unsourced translation: "There is one thing alone that stands the brunt of life throughout its course: a quiet conscience."--> * Τὸ σῶφρον ὡς ἁπανταχοῦ καλὸν <br> καὶ δόξαν ἐσθλὴν ἐν βροτοῖς καρπίζεται. ** How fair is chastity however viewed, whose fruit is good repute amongst men. *** ll. 431–32, Chorus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Κἀν βροτοῖς <br> αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. ** In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best. *** l. 436<!--438-->, Nurse (tr. [[w:David Grene|David Grene]], 1942<!--''Three Greek Tragedies in Translation'' (University of Chicago Press, 1942), p. 188-->) **: Among mortals second thoughts are the wisest. (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides (Henry G. Bohn, 1850), 2 vols.-->) <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser. (''Bartlett's'', 1892) <br> Among mortals second thoughts are wisest. (''Hoyt's'', 1882<!--p. 419-->)<!--Also in Maturin M. Ballou (ed.) ''Pearls of Thought'' (1881) p. 277--> * Ἐν σοφοῖσι γὰρ <br> τάδ᾽ ἐστὶ θνητῶν, λανθάνειν τὰ μὴ καλά. ** 'Tis part of human wisdom to conceal the deed of shame. *** ll. 465–66, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Εἰσὶν δ᾽ ἐπῳδαὶ καὶ λόγοι θελκτήριοι. ** For there are charms and spells to soothe the soul. *** l. 478, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὀνάσθαι, μὴ μαθεῖν, βούλου, τέκνον. ** Be content with help, not knowledge. *** l. 517, Nurse (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)<!--Be content, my child, to profit by it and ask no questions. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * Τοι κάλ᾽ ἐν πολλοῖσι κάλλιον λέγειν. ** A virtuous tale grows fairer told to many. *** l. 610. Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ἡ γλῶσσ᾽ ὀμώμοχ᾽, ἡ δὲ φρὴν ἀνώμοτος. ** 'Twas but my tongue, 'twas not my soul that swore. *** l. 612, Hippolytus (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1902) **: My tongue an oath did take, but not my heart. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged. (tr. David Grene, 1942) * Ἁμαρτεῖν εἰκὸς ἀνθρώπους, τέκνον. ** To err is only human, child. *** l. 615, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Πρὸς τὰς τύχας γὰρ τὰς φρένας κεκτήμεθα. ** '''The credit we get for wisdom is measured by our success.''' *** l. 701, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Δεινὸν σοφιστὴν εἶπας, ὅστις εὖ φρονεῖν <br> τοὺς μὴ φρονοῦντας δυνατός ἐστ᾽ ἀναγκάσαι. ** A very master in his craft the man, who can force fools to be wise! *** ll. 921–22, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) === ''[[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]]'' (408 BC) === [[File:Orestes Pursued by the Furies by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1862) - Google Art Project.jpg |thumb|right|''The Remorse of Orestes'' by William-Adolphe Bouguereau]] * Ὅταν δὲ σὺ στένῃς, <br> ἡμᾶς παρόντας χρή σε νουθετεῖν φίλα· <br> ἐπικουρίαι γὰρ αἵδε τοῖς φίλοις καλαί. ** '''Love is all we have, the only way <br> that each can help the other.''' *** l. 298 (tr. [[w:William Arrowsmith|William Arrowsmith]], 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958)-->)<!--"I must be at thy side and give thee words of comfort; for to he lp our friends H ke this is a gracious task." (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * — Δεινὸν οἱ πολλοί, κακούργους ὅταν ἔχωσι προστάτας. <br> — Ἀλλ᾽ ὅταν χρηστοὺς λάβωσι, χρηστὰ βουλεύουσ᾽ ἀεί. ** {{smallcaps|Orestes}}: A terrible thing is the mob, when it has villains to lead it. <br> {{smallcaps|Pylades}}: Aye, but with honest leaders its counsels are honest. *** ll. 772-73 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὅταν γὰρ ἡδὺς τοῖς λόγοις, φρονῶν κακῶς <br> πείθῃ τὸ πλῆθος, τῇ πόλει κακὸν μέγα. ** When one with honeyed words but evil mind<br> Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state. *** l. 907 (''Harbottle's'', 1897<!--p. 447-->) === ''[[w:The Phoenician Women|Phoenissae]]'' (c. 409 BC) === * Ἓν μὲν μέγιστον, οὐκ ἔχει παρρησίαν. ** But this is slavery, not to speak one’s thought. ** Line 392, Jocasta (tr. Elizabeth Wyckoff, 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958) p. 472-->) **: Who dares not speak his free thoughts is a slave. (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|R. Potter]], 1823<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (Oxford: W. Baxter, 1823), 2 vols.-->) * Ἁπλοῦς ὁ μῦθος τῆς ἀληθείας ἔφυ, <br> κοὐ ποικίλων δεῖ τἄνδιχ᾽ ἑρμηνευμάτων ** The words of truth are simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it hath a fitness in itself. ** Lines 469–470, Polyneices (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891<!--Revised by George Panagiotou: "The words of truth are naturally simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it has a fitness in itself."-->) === ''[[w:The Bacchae|Bacchae]]'' (405 BC) === [[File:Euripides altes Museum.jpg|thumb|right|Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.]] * But cleverness is not wisdom, nor is the thinking on things unfit for mortals. ** Line 395 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced: "Cleverness is not wisdom. And not to think mortal thoughts is to see few days."--> * '''Dionysus''': He who believes needs no explanation.<br /> '''Pentheus''': What's the worth in believing worthless things? <br />'''Dionysus''': Much worth, but not worth telling you, it seems. ** Line 472 (tr. [[w:Colin Teevan|Colin Teevan]], 2002) * '''Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.''' ** Lines 479-480 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) **: To the fool, he who speaks wisdom will sound foolish. (''Bartlett's'', 13th ed. 1955) **: He were a fool, methinks, who would utter wisdom to a fool. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Wise words being brought to blinded eyes will seem as things of nought. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1902) * '''Slow but sure moves the might of the gods.''' ** Line 882 (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) **: Slowly but surely withal moveth the might of the gods. (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) * χρηστοῖσι δούλοις συμφορὰ τὰ δεσποτῶν. ** The misfortunes of their masters are a concern to good servants. ** Line 1028 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced translation: "Good slaves [are affected by] the adversities of their masters."--> note: the original sentence does not contain any verb * '''Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.''' ** Line 1150 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) === Fragments === :<small>Greek text cited from R. Kannicht, ''Tragicorum Graecorum Fragmenta, vol. 5 Euripides'' (Göttingen, 2004).</small> ;''Aegeus'' * κρεῖσσον δὲ πλούτου καὶ βαθυσπόρου χθονός <br> ἀνδρῶν δικαίων κἀγαθῶν ὁμιλίαι. * The company of just and righteous men is better than wealth and a rich estate. ** Frg. 7 (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) ;''Aeolus'' * κακὸν γυναῖκα πρὸς νέαν ζεῦξαι νέον· <br> μακρὰ γὰρ ἰσχὺς μᾶλλον ἀρσένων μένει, <br> θήλεια δ᾿ ἥβη θᾶσσον ἐκλείπει δέμας. ** To mate a youth with a young wife is ill; <br> Seeing a man's strength lasteth, while the bloom <br> Of beauty quickly leaves a woman's form. ** Frg. 24 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879<!--''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 289 note-->) * φεῦ φεῦ, παλαιὸς αἶνος ὡς καλῶς ἔχει· <br> γέροντες οὐδέν ἐσμεν ἄλλο πλὴν ὄχλος <br> καὶ σμῆμ᾿, ὀνείρων δ᾿ ἕρπομεν μιμήματα· <br> νοῦς δ᾿ οὐκ ἔνεστιν, οἰόμε⟨σ⟩θα δ᾿ εὖ φρονεῖν. ** Alas, how right the ancient saying is: <br> We, who are old, are nothing else but noise <br> And shape. Like mimicries of dreams we go, <br> And have no wits, although we think us wise. ** Frg. 25 (tr. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--''Oxford Book of Greek Verse in Translation'' (1938) no. 389-->) * κακῆς ἀπ᾿ ἀρχῆς γίγνεται τέλος κακόν. ** A bad beginning makes a bad ending. ** Frg. 32 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὁ χρόνος ἅπαντα τοῖσιν ὕστερον φράσει, <br> †ἄλλος ἐστὶν οὗτος, οὐκ ἐρωτῶσιν λέγει. ** Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. ** Frg. 38a (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alexander'' * παλαιὰ καινοῖς δακρύοις οὐ χρὴ στένειν. ** Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. ** Frg. 46.5 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alcmene'' * ἀλλ᾿ εὖ φέρειν χρὴ συμφορὰς τὸν εὐγενῆ. ** The nobly born must nobly meet his fate. ** Frg. 98 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--''Noblesse oblige''. — Bohn: ''Foreign Proverbs''--> ;''Alope'' * γυνὴ γυναικὶ σύμμαχος πέφυκέ πως. ** Woman is woman's natural ally. ** Frg. 108 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Andromeda'' * ἀλλ᾿ ἡδύ τοι σωθέντα μεμνῆσθαι πόνων. ** Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety. ** Frg. 133 (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 472-->) * ὅσοι γὰρ εἰς ἔρωτα πίπτουσιν βροτῶν, <br> ἐσθλῶν ὅταν τύχωσι τῶν ἐρωμένων, <br> οὐκ ἔσθ᾿ ὁποίας λείπεται τόδ᾿ ἡδονῆς. ** When it befalls poor mortal men to love, <br> Should they find worthy objects for their loving, <br> Then is there nothing left of joy to long for. ** Frg. 138 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879) ;''Antiope'' * κέρδος δ᾿ ἐν κακοῖς ἀγνωσία. ** Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. ** Frg. 205.3 (''Bartlett's'', 1892); cf. [[William Davenant|Davenant]] * φῆσίν τις εἶναι δῆτ᾿ ἐν οὐρανῷ θεούς; <br> οὐκ εἰσίν, οὐκ εἴσ᾿, εἴ τις ἀνθρώπων θέλει <br> μὴ τῷ παλαιῷ μῶρος ὢν χρῆσθαι λόγῳ. <br> σκέψασθε δ᾿ αὐτοί, μὴ ᾿πὶ τοῖς ἐμοῖς λόγοις <br> γνώμην ἔχοντες. φῆμ᾿ ἐγὼ τυραννίδα <br> κτείνειν τε πλείστους κτημάτων τ᾿ ἀποστερεῖν <br> ὅρκους τε παραβαίνοντας ἐκπορθεῖν πόλεις· <br> καὶ ταῦτα δρῶντες μᾶλλόν εἰσ᾿ εὐδαίμονες <br> τῶν εὐσεβούντων ἡσυχῇ καθ᾿ ἡμέραν. <br> πόλεις τε μικρὰς οἶδα τιμώσας θεούς, <br> αἳ μειζόνων κλύουσι δυσσεβεστέρων <br> λόγχης ἀριθμῷ πλείονος κρατούμεναι. <br> οἶμαι δ᾿ ἂν ὑμᾶς, εἴ τις ἀργὸς ὢν θεοῖς <br> εὔχοιτο καὶ μὴ χειρὶ συλλέγοι βίον <br> ⟨μαθεῖν ἄν, ὡς οὔκ εἰσιν. αἱ δ᾿ εὐπραξίαι⟩ <br> τὰ θεῖα πυργοῦσ᾿ αἱ κακαί τε συμφοραί. ** Doth some one say that there be gods above? <br/>There are not; no, there are not. Let no fool, <br/>Led by the old false fable, thus deceive you. <br/>Look at the facts themselves, yielding my words <br/>No undue credence: for I say that kings <br/>Kill, rob, break oaths, lay cities waste by fraud, <br/>And doing thus are happier than those <br/>Who live calm pious lives day after day. <br> How many little States that serve the gods <br> Are subject to the godless but more strong, <br> Made slaves by might of a superior army! <br> And you, if any ceased from work and prayed <br> To gods, nor gathered in his livelihood, <br> Would learn gods are not. All Divinity <br> Is built up from our good and evil luck. ** Frg. 286 (tr. [[John Addington Symonds|J. A. Symonds]], 1879; rev. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--First 11 lines by Symonds, ''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 294; completed by Bowra, ''OBGVT'' (1938) no. 391. Greek: ''TGF'', p. 445, no. 286-->) ** Penultimate line missing in the original; conjectural supplement by Herwerden included here. [[File:Ватикан. Еврипид (Euripide) с актерской маской (ант.статуя) ~1859г 2640.jpg|thumb|right|Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account.]] ;[[w:Bellerophon (play)|''Bellerophon'']] * τοῖς πράγμασιν γὰρ οὐχὶ θυμοῦσθαι χρεών· <br> μέλει γὰρ αὐτοῖς οὐδέν· ἀλλ᾿ οὑντυγχάνων <br> τὰ πράγματ᾿ ὀρθῶς ἢν τιθῇ, πράσσει καλῶς. ** Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account. ** Frg. 287 (tr. [[w:Arthur Richard Shilleto|A. R. Shilleto]], 1888)<!--''Plutarch's Morals: Ethical Essays'' (1888) p. 293--> ;''Hippolytus Veiled'' * αὐτός τι νῦν δρῶν εἶτα δαίμονας κάλει· <br> τῷ γὰρ πονοῦντι καὶ θεὸς ξυλλαμβάνει. ** Try first thyself, and after call in God; <br> For to the worker God himself lends aid. ** Frg. 432 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Licymnius'' * πόνος γάρ, ὡς λέγουσιν, εὐκλείας πατήρ. ** Toil, says the proverb, is the sire of fame. ** Frg. 474 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) [[File:Seated Euripides Louvre Ma343.jpg|thumb|right|When good men die their goodness does not perish, but lives though they are gone. As for the bad, all that was theirs dies and is buried with them.]] ;''Meleager'' * δειλοὶ γὰρ ἄνδρες οὐκ ἔχουσιν ἐν μάχῃ <br> ἀριθμόν, ἀλλ᾿ ἄπεισι κἂν παρῶσ᾿ ὁμοίως. ** Cowards do not count in battle; they are there, but not in it. ** Frg. 519 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ἔνδον μένουσαν τὴν γυναῖκ᾿ εἶναι χρεών <br> ἐσθλήν, θύρασι δ᾿ ἀξίαν τοῦ μηδενός. ** A woman should be good for everything at home, but abroad good for nothing. ** Frg. 521 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Oedipus'' * οὔτοι νόμισμα λευκὸς ἄργυρος μόνον <br> καὶ χρυσός ἐστιν, ἀλλὰ κἀρετὴ βροτοῖς <br> νόμισμα κεῖται πᾶσιν, ᾗ χρῆσθαι χρεών. ** Silver and gold are not the only coin; virtue too passes current all over the world. ** Frg. 542 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Protesilaus'' * δυοῖν λεγόντοιν, θατέρου θυμουμένου, <br> ὁ μὴ ἀντιτείνων τοῖς λόγοις σοφώτερος. ** Where two discourse, if the one's anger rise, <br> The man who lets the contest fall is wise. ** Frg. 654 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/bim_early-english-books-1641-1700_plutarchs-morals-_plutarch_1684/page/n65/mode/2up Anonymous, 1684]) ;''Temenidae'' * ἀρετὴ δὲ κἂν θάνῃ τις οὐκ ἀπόλλυται, <br> ζῇ δ᾿ οὐκέτ᾿ ὄντος σώματος· κακοῖσι δέ <br> ἅπαντα φροῦδα συνθανόνθ᾿ ὑπὸ χθονός. ** When good men die their goodness does not perish, <br> But lives though they are gone. As for the bad, <br> All that was theirs dies and is buried with them. ** Frg. 734 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Phoenix'' * τοιοῦτός ἐστιν οἷσπερ ἥδεται ξυνών. ** He is like the very men whose company he enjoys. ** Frg. 812.9 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.417.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009]) *** Paraphrased in ''Bartlett's'', 1892: *** Every man is like the company he is wont to keep. * ὦ φιλόζωοι βροτοί, <br> οἳ τὴν ἐπιστείχουσαν ἡμέραν ἰδεῖν <br> ποθεῖτ᾿ ἔχοντες μυρίων ἄχθος κακῶν. <br> οὕτως ἔρως βροτοῖσιν ἔγκειται βίου. ** O ye life-loving mortals,<br/>Who ever long to see the coming day,<br/>Though ye be weighed down with a thousand sorrows!<br/>So strong the yearning of mankind for life. ** Frg. 816.6–9 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/538/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ;''Phrixus'' * τίς δ᾿ οἶδεν εἰ ζῆν τοῦθ᾿ ὃ κέκληται θανεῖν, <br> τὸ ζῆν δὲ θνῄσκειν ἐστί; ** Who knows but life be that which men call death, <br> And death what men call life? ** Frg. 833 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) *** Alternative translation (J. A. Symonds, 1879): *** Who knows if that be life which we call death,<br>And life be dying? ;Fragments of uncertain placement * ἡ γὰρ σιωπὴ τοῖς σοφοῖσ⟨ιν⟩ ἀπόκρισις. ** Silence is an answer in the eyes of the wise. ** Frg. 977 (tr. [C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009])<!--cf. [[Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau#Attributed|Mirabeau]]--> *** Alternative translation (R. B. Appleton, 1927)<!--''Euripides the Idealist'' (London: J. M. Dent, 1927), p. 194--> *** For silence is true wisdom's best reply. * τὰ τῶν τεκόντων σφάλματ᾿ εἰς τοὺς ἐκγόνους <br> οἱ θεοὶ τρέπουσιν. ** The gods visit the sins of the fathers upon the children. ** Frg. 980 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὅστις νέος ὢν Μουσῶν ἀμελεῖ, <br> τόν τε παρελθόντ᾿ ἀπόλωλε χρόνον <br> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; καὶ τὸν μέλλοντα τέθνηκε. ** Whoso neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future. ** Frg. 1028 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * τοῖσιν εὖ φρονοῦσι συμμαχεῖ τύχη. ** Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement. ** {{w|Critias}}, frg. 10.3 TrGF = Euripides, frg. 598 N.<sup>2</sup> (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 781 note-->) ** Circulated as Euripides' in antiquity, but attributed to Critias by mulitple ancient critics. * Σοφὸς ἦν τις, ὃς τὸ θεῖον εἰσηγήσατο. ** '''I maintain, <br> Some shrewd man first, a man in counsel wise,<br>Discovered unto men the fear of Gods,<br>Thereby to frighten sinners should they sin <br>E'en secretly in deed, or word, or thought.''' ** [[w:Sisyphus fragment|Sisyphus fragment]], in [[Sextus Empiricus]], ''Against the Physicists'', bk. 1 sec. 54 (tr. R. G. Bury, [[w:Loeb Classical Library|L311]])<!--Revised by J. Garrett: "I think, / Some shrewd man first, a man in judgment wise, / Found for mortals the fear of gods, / Thereby to frighten the wicked should they / Even act or speak or scheme in secret."--> **: He was a wise man who originated the idea of God. (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 478-->) * Most cunning doctrine did he introduce,<br>The truth concealing under speech untrue.<br>The place he spoke of as the God's abode<br>Was that whereby he could affright men most,—<br>The place from which, he knew, both terrors came<br>And easements unto men of toilsome life—<br>To wit the vault above, wherein do dwell<br>The lightnings, he beheld, and awesome claps<br>Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven,<br>Fair-spangled by that cunning craftsman Time,—<br>Whence, too, the meteor's glowing mass doth speed<br>And liquid rain descends upon the earth. ** Sisyphus fragment (tr. R. G. Bury, L311)<!--Revised by J. Garrett: The sweetest teaching did he introduce, / Concealing truth under untrue speech. / The place he spoke of as the gods' abode<br>Was that by which he might awe humans most, — / The place from which, he knew, terrors came to mortals / And things advantageous in their wearisome life — / The revolving heaven above, in which dwell / The lightnings, and awesome claps / Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven, / Beautiful and intricate by that wise craftsman Time, — / From which, too, the meteor's glowing mass speeds / And wet thunderstorm pours forth upon the earth.--> * I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. ** Supposedly in ''The Suppliants'' [https://archive.org/search?query=%22shall+find+scholars+later+to+demonstrate%22&sin=TXT&sort=date] ** Also attributed to [[Frederick the Great]] of Prussia {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ἄριστον ἀνδρὶ κτῆμα συμπαθὴς γυνή. ** Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife. ** Hippothoon, frg. 3a TrGF; misattributed to Euripides due to a confusion in Stobaeus, ''Anthology'', IV.22.13–14 ([https://archive.org/details/tragicorum-graecorum-fragmenta-volume-5-euripides/page/266/mode/2up R. Kannicht, 2004:266]). * Account no man happy till he dies. ** [[Sophocles]], ''Oedipus Rex'' l. 1529 ** Cf. [[Herodotus]], bk. 1 ch. 32: But refrain from calling him fortunate before he dies; call him lucky. (tr. A. D. Godley, 1920) * Circumstances rule men and not men circumstances. ** [[Herodotus]], Book 7, Ch. 49; Misattributed to Euripides in "The Imperial Four" by Professor Creasy in ''Bentley's Miscellany'' Vol. 33 (January 1853), p. 22 ** Variant translation: Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. * Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad. ** Anonymous ancient proverb, wrongly attributed to Euripides. The version here is quoted as a "heathen proverb" in ''Daniel, a Model for Young Men'' (1854) by William Anderson Scott. The origin of the misattribution to Euripides is unknown. Several variants are quoted in ancient texts, as follows. ** Variants and derived paraphrases: *** For cunningly of old <br>was the celebrated saying revealed: <br>evil sometimes seems good <br>to a man whose mind <br>a god leads to destruction. **** Sophocles, ''Antigone'' 620-3, a play pre-dating any of Euripides' surviving plays. An ancient commentary explains the passage as a paraphrase of the following, from another, earlier poet. *** When a god plans harm against a man, <br> he first damages the mind of the man he is plotting against. **** Quoted in the ''scholia vetera'' to Sophocles' ''Antigone'' 620ff., without attribution. The meter (iambic trimeter) suggests that the source of the quotation is a tragic play. *** For whenever the anger of divine spirits harms someone, <br>it first does this: it steals away his mind <br>and good sense, and turns his thought to foolishness,''' <br>so that he should know nothing of his mistakes. **** Attributed to "some of the old poets" by [[w:Lycurgus of Athens|Lycurgus of Athens]] in his ''Oratio In Leocratem'' [''Oration Against Leocrates''], section 92. Again, the meter suggests that the source is a tragic play. These lines are misattributed to the much earlier semi-mythical statesman [[w:Lycurgus of Sparta|Lycurgus of Sparta]] in a footnote of recent editions of ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' and other works. *** The gods do nothing until they have blinded the minds of the wicked. **** Variant in ''''Dictionary of Quotations (Classical)'' (1906), compiled by Thomas Benfield Harbottle, p. 433. *** Whom Fortune wishes to destroy she first makes mad.''' **** [[Publilius Syrus]], Maxim 911 *** The devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind. **** As quoted by [[w:Athenagoras of Athens|Athenagoras of Athens]] in ''Legatio Pro Christianis''. *** ''quem Iuppiter vult perdere, dementat prius.'' **** "Whom Jupiter wishes to destroy, he first sends mad"; neo-Latin version. Similar wording is found in [[w:James Duport|James Duport]]'s ''Homeri Gnomologia'' (1660), p. 234. "A maxim of obscure origin which may have been invented in Cambridge about 1640" -- Taylor, ''The Proverb'' (1931). Probably a variant of the line "He whom the gods love dies young", derived from [[Menander]]'s play ''The Double Deceiver'' via [[Plautus]] (''Bacchides'' 816-7). *** ''quem'' (or ''quos'') ''Deus perdere vult, dementat prius.'' **** Whom God wishes to destroy, he first sends mad. *** '''Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.''' **** This variant is spoken by [[w:Prometheus|Prometheus]], in ''The Masque of Pandora'' (1875) by [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] *** Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. **** As quoted in ''George Fox Interpreted: The Religion, Revelations, Motives and Mission of George Fox'' (1881) by Thomas Ellwood Longshore, p. 154 *** Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad. **** As quoted in ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' 16th edition (1992) *** Nor do the gods appear in warrior's armour clad <br> To strike them down with sword and spear <br> Those whom they would destroy <br> They first make mad. **** Bhartṛhari, 7th c. AD; as quoted in John Brough, ''Poems from the Sanskrit'', (1968), p, 67 *** ''vināśakāle viparītabuddhiḥ'' **** Sanskrit Saying (also in ''Jatak katha''): "When a man is to be destroyed, his intelligence becomes self-destructive." ** Modern derivatives: The proverb's meaning is changed in many English versions from the 20th and 21st centuries that start with the proverb's first half (through "they") and then end with a phrase that replaces "first make mad" or "make mad." Such versions can be found at Internet search engines by using either of the two keyword phrases that are on Page 2 and Page 4 of the webpage "[http://www.bu.edu/av/celop2/not_ESL/pick_any_wrong_card.pdf Pick any Wrong Card]." The rest of that webpage is frameworks that induce a reader to compose new variations on this proverb. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Euripides == * [[Sophocles]] said that he drew men as they ought to be; Euripides, as they are. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Poetics'', ch. 25 (trans. S. H. Butcher) * I could not bear Euripides at college. I now read my recantation. He has faults undoubtedly. But what a poet! The [[w:Medea (play)|Medea]], the [[w:Alcestis (play)|Alcestis]], the [[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]], the [[w:The Bacchae|Bacchæ]], are alone sufficient to place him in the very first rank. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to Thomas Flower Ellis (8 February 1835), quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 431 * The [[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]] is one of the very finest plays in the Greek language. Among those of Euripides, I should place it next to the Medea and the Bacchæ. It has some very real faults; but it possesses that strong human interest which neither [[Aeschylus|Æschylus]] nor [[Sophocles]],—poets in many respects far superior to Euripides,—ever gave to their dramas. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 474 * The Bacchæ is a most glorious play. I doubt whether it be not superior to the Medea. It is often very obscure; and I am not sure that I fully understand its general scope. But, as a piece of language, it is hardly equalled in the world. And, whether it was intended to encourage or to discourage fanaticism, the picture of fanatical excitement which it exhibits has never been rivalled. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), pp. 474-475 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat|Euripides}} {{wikisource author|Euripides}} * {{gutenberg author| id=Euripides | name=Euripides}} * [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/eb11-euripides.html Article in ''Encyclopaedia Britannica'' (11th edition) at Fordham University] * [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/vor?x=0&y=0&lookup=Euripides Euripides-related materials at the Perseus Digital Library] * [http://www.theatrehistory.com/ancient/euripides001.html "Euripedes and His Tragedies" at TheatreHistory.com] * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0262381/ IMDBs List of movies based on Euripides plays] * [https://www.ellopos.net/elpenor/greek-texts/ancient-greece/euripides.asp Euripides Resources] {{DEFAULTSORT:Euripides}} [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:Playwrights from Greece]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Athens]] 1lqpwhdhgmvpyfdm6qlgtpzzbibi1fm 3944502 3944501 2026-05-23T14:47:43Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 /* Fragments */ missing link 3944502 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Euripides Pio-Clementino Inv302.jpg|thumb|right|In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side.]] '''[[w:Euripides|Euripides]]''' (Greek: Εὐριπίδης; c. [[480 BC]]–[[406 BC]]) was a [[:Category:Authors|Greek playwright]]. == Quotes == * ἁγὼ οὔτινι θύω πλὴν ἐμοὶ, θεοῖσι δ᾽ οὔ, <br/> καὶ τῇ μεγίστῃ γαστρὶ τῇδε δαιμόνων. ** I sacrifice to no god save myself — <br/> And to my belly, greatest of deities. ** [[w:Cyclops (play)|''Cyclops'']] (''c''. 424-23 BC) l. 334 (ed. [[w:Burton Egbert Stevenson|B. E. Stevenson]], 1948<!--''The Home Book of Proverbs, Maxims and Familiar Phrases'' (New York: Macmillan Co., 1948) p. 165-->) **: To what other God but to myself <br/> And this great belly, first of deities, <br/> Should I be bound to sacrifice? <br/> (tr. [[Percy Bysshe Shelley|P. B. Shelley]], wr. 1819; pub. 1824) * I care for riches, to make gifts <br> To friends, or lead a sick man back to health<br> With ease and plenty. Else small aid is wealth <br> For daily gladness; once a man be done <br> With hunger, rich and poor are all as one. ** [[w:Electra (Euripides play)|''Electra'']] (413 BC) l. ? (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1906)<!--Cited in ''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968--> * On behalf of all those dead<br>who learned their hatred of women long ago,<br>for those who hate them now, for those unborn<br>who shall live to hate them yet, I now declare<br>my firm conviction: neither earth nor ocean<br>produces a creature as savage and monstrous<br>as woman. ** [[w:Hecuba (play)|''Hecuba'']] (424 BC), ll. 1177-1182 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1956<!--'''Euripides III'' (University of Chicago Press, 1956)-->) **: Let me tell you, if anyone in the past has spoken<br>ill of women, or speaks so now or will speak so<br>in the future, I’ll sum it up for him: Neither sea<br>nor land has ever produced a more monstrous<br>creature than woman.<br>(tr. Jay Kardan and Laura-Gray Street, 2011, in ''Didaskalia'', [https://didaskalia.net/issues/8/32/ vol. 8 no. 32]) * λόγος γάρ ἐστιν οὐκ ἐμός, σοφὸν δ᾽ ἔπος,<br>δεινῆς ἀνάγκης οὐδὲν ἰσχύειν πλέον. ** '''Nothing has more strength than dire necessity.''' ** [[w:Helen (play)|''Helen'']] (412 BC), l. 510 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956), quoting "a saying" * Man's most valuable trait<br>is a judicious sense of what not to believe. ** ''Helen'', ll. 1617-1618 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) **: There is naught more serviceable to mankind than a prudent distrust. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--''The Plays of Euripides'' (London: George Bell & Sons, 1891), 2 vols.--><!--Unsourced: "Nothing is more useful to mankind than a prudent distrust."--> * Who can decide a plea or judge a speech until he has heard plainly from both sides? ** [[w:Children of Heracles|''Heraclidæ'']] (''c''. 428 BC), [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0104%3Acard%3D134 ll. 179-180] (tr. David Kovacs), quoted by [[Aristophanes]] in ''The Wasps'' **: In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side. —''Forbes'', vol. 86 no. 10 (15 Nov. 1960) p. 70 * '''Leave no stone unturned.''' ** ''Heraclidæ'' (''c''. 428 BC), l. 1002 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--cf. [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Butler]], ''Hudibras''--> * '''Ares hates those who hesitate.''' ** ''Heraclidæ'' (''c''. 428 BC), l. 722 (ed. H. L. Mencken, 1942, '60)<!--H. L. Mencken, ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles'' (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1942; 1960)--> **: Ares hates the sluggard most of all. (tr. David Kovacs) * Yet do I hold that mortal foolish who strives against the stress of necessity. ** [[w:Herakles (Euripides)|''Hercules Furens'']], l. 281 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * O lady, nobility is thine, and thy form is the reflection of thy nature! ** [[w:Ion (play)|''Ion'']]<!--"Gon."--> (''c''. 421-408 BC) l. 238 (tr. E. F. Burr, 1880)<!--''Dio, the Athenian; or, From Olympus to Calvary'' (New York: Phillips & Hunt, 1880, ch. 17 epigraph (p. 385); also in J. K. Hoyt and Anna L. Ward, ''The Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations'' (New York: I. K. Funk & Co., 1882), p. 290--> * Authority is never without hate. ** ''Ion'' (c. 421-408 BC) l. ? (tr. Ronald F. Willetts, 1958) * Thou didst bring me forth for all the Greeks in common, not for thyself alone. ** [[w:Iphigenia in Aulis|''Iphigenia in Aulis'']], l. 1386 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''A coward turns away, but a brave man's choice is danger.''' ** [[w:Iphigenia in Tauris|''Iphigenia in Tauris'']] (''c''. 412 BC) l. 114 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) * '''There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy change.''' ** ''Iphigenia in Tauris'' (''c''. 412 BC) l. 721 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''Slight not what's near through aiming at what's far.''' ** [[w:Rhesus (play)|''Rhesus'']] (''c''. 435 BC) l. 482 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''For naught is there more sweet unto an aged sire than a daughter's love.''' ** [[w:The Suppliants (Euripides)|''The Suppliants'']] (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--Unsourced: '''For nothing is there more sweet unto an aged father than a daughter'''--> * Naught is more hostile to a city than a despot; where he is, there are in the first place no laws common to all, but one man is tyrant, in whose keeping and in his alone the law resides, and in that case equality is at an end. ** ''The Suppliants'' (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * '''Helen''': What happened in my heart, to make me leave my home<br />And my own land, to follow where a stranger led?<br />Rail at the goddess; be more resolute than Zeus,<br />Who holds power over all other divinities<br />But is himself the slave of love. Show Aphrodite<br />Your indignation; me, pardon and sympathy.<br />'''Hecabe''': No; Paris was an extremely handsome man – one look,<br />And your appetite became your Aphrodite. Why,<br />Men's lawless lusts are all called love – it's a confusion<br />Easily made. ** ''[[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]]'' (c. 415 BC), ll. 946–950 and 987–990 (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1954) === ''[[w:Alcestis|Alcestis]]'' (438 BC) === [[File:Alcestis and Admetus Ancient Roman fresco (45–79 AD) from the Augusteum-Basilica, Herculaneum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. <br> We all of us are debtors unto death.]] * Οὔποτε φήσω γάμον εὐφραίνειν <br> πλέον ἢ λυπεῖν. ** Never say that marriage has more of joy than pain. ** l. 238, Chorus-Leader (tr. Dudley Fitts and Robert Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐχθρὰ γὰρ ἡ 'πιοῦσα μητρυιὰ τέκνοις <br> τοῖς πρόσθ᾽, ἐχίδνης οὐδὲν ἠπιωτέρα. ** A second wife <br> is hateful to the children of the first, <br> a viper is not more hateful. ** l. 309, Alcestis (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Εἰ δ᾽ Ὀρφέως μοι γλῶσσα καὶ μέλος παρῆν, <br> ὥστ᾽ ἢ κόρην Δήμητρος ἢ κείνης πόσιν <br> ὕμνοισι κηλήσαντά σ᾽ ἐξ Ἅιδου λαβεῖν, <br> κατῆλθον ἄν, καί μ᾽ οὔθ᾽ ὁ Πλούτωνος κύων <br> οὔθ᾽ οὑπὶ κώπῃ ψυχοπομπὸς ἂν Χάρων <br> ἔσχον, πρὶν ἐς φῶς σὸν καταστῆσαι βίον. ** '''Oh, if I had [[w:Orpheus|Orpheus]]' voice and poetry <br>with which to move the Dark Maid and her Lord, <br>I'd call you back, dear love, from the world below.''' <br>I'd go down there for you. Charôn or the grim <br>King's dog could not prevent me then <br>from carrying you up into the fields of light. ** l. 358, Admetus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) **: Had I the tongue, the tuneful yoice of Orpheus to charm Demeter's daughter or her husband by my lay and bring thee back from Hades, I had gone down, nor Pluto's hound, nor Charon, ferryman of souls, whose hand is on the oar, had held me back, till to the light I had restored thee alive. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὐ γάρ τι πρῶτος οὐδὲ λοίσθιος βροτῶν <br> γυναικὸς ἐσθλῆς ἤμπλακες: γίγνωσκε δὲ <br> ὡς πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. ** Thou art by no means the first nor yet shalt be the last of men to lose a wife of worth; know this, we all of us are debtors unto death. ** l. 416<!--415-->, Chorus-Leader (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Thou shalt not be the last, nor yet the first, <br> To lose a noble wife. Be brave, and know <br> To die is but a debt that all men owe. <br> (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1915) **: Not first of mortals thou, nor shalt be last <br> To lose a noble wife; and, be thou sure, <br> From us, from all, this debt is due — to die. <br> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: You are neither the first nor the last of mortals <br> to lose a noble wife; understand that <br> everyone is obliged to die. <br> (tr. Ruby Blondell, 1999<!--''Women On the Edge: Four Plays'' (Routledge, 1999)-->) * Κούφα σοι χθὼν ἐπάνωθε πέσοι. ** Light be the earth upon you, lightly rest. ** l. 462, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--Thus petitions the Chorus over the dead body of the heroine, untimely rapt away. Cf. [[Martial]], 9, 30, 11: ''Sit tibi terra levis'' (abbrev. ''S.T.T.L.'')—"May earth lie light upon thee." Common funeral inscription. [[Ovid]], in the same spirit, prays for the repose of [[Tibullus]], ''Amores, 3, 9, 67), ''Ossa quieta precor tuta requiescite in urna, / Et sit humus cineri non onerosa tuo.''—"Inurned in peace, may thy bones rest, I pray; / And on thy ashes earth no burden lay." —''Classical and Foreign Quotations'' (1904) no. 2578--><!--Cf. [[Beaumont and Fletcher#The Maid's Tragedy (c. 1609; published 1619|Beaumont and Fletcher]], ''[[w:The Maid's Tragedy|The Maid's Tragedy]]'' (c. 1609), act 2, sc. 2. [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], ''Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady'' (1717, '20), ll. 64–5. [[Oscar Wilde|Wilde]], ''Requiescat'' (1881)--> * Μάτην ἄρ᾽ οἱ γέροντες εὔχονται θανεῖν, <br> γῆρας ψέγοντες καὶ μακρὸν χρόνον βίου: <br> ἢν δ᾽ ἐγγὺς ἔλθῃ θάνατος, οὐδεὶς βούλεται <br> θνῄσκειν, τὸ γῆρας δ᾽ οὐκέτ᾽ ἔστ᾽ αὐτοῖς βαρύ. ** Old men's prayers for death are lying prayers, in which they abuse old age and long extent of life. But when death draws near, not one is willing to die, and age no longer is a burden to them. ** l. 669, Admetus (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * Κακῶς ἀκούειν οὐ μέλει θανόντι μοι. ** Dishonour will not trouble me, once I am dead. ** l. 726, Pheres (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--"When I am gone, I care not what men say." (tr. David Kovacs, 1994)--> * Βροτοῖς ἅπασι κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται, <br> κοὐκ ἔστι θνητῶν ὅστις ἐξεπίσταται <br> τὴν αὔριον μέλλουσαν εἰ βιώσεται: <br> τὸ τῆς τύχης γὰρ ἀφανὲς οἷ προβήσεται, <br> κἄστ᾽ οὐ διδακτὸν οὐδ᾽ ἁλίσκεται τέχνῃ. ** Death is the common debt of man; no mortal really knows if he will live to see the morrow's light; for Fortune's issues are not in our ken, beyond the teacher's rule they lie, no art can master them. ** ll. 783-6, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow." (tr. Robert and Mary Collison, 1980); ''Dictionary of Foreign Quotations'' (New York: Facts on File, 1980) p. 114--> * Τὸν καθ᾽ ἡμέραν <br> βίον λογίζου σόν, τὰ δ᾽ ἄλλα τῆς τύχης. ** Count the present day thine own, the rest to Fortune yield. ** l. 788, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Today's today. Tomorrow we may be<br>Ourselves gone down the drain of Eternity. <br> (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐγὼ καὶ διὰ μούσας <br> καὶ μετάρσιος ᾖξα, καὶ <br> πλείστων ἁψάμενος λόγων <br> κρεῖσσον οὐδὲν Ἀνάγκας. ** '''I have found power in the mysteries of thought, <br> Exaltation in the changing of the Muses; <br> I have been versed in the reasonings of men; <br> But Fate is stronger than anything I have known.''' ** ll. 962–65, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Χρόνος μαλάξει, νῦν δ᾽ ἔθ᾽ ἡβάσκει, κακόν. ** Time cancels young pain. ** l. 1085, Heracles (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) === ''[[w:Medea (play)|Medea]]'' (431 BC) === :<small><!--Greek text: David Kovacs (ed.) [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text.jsp?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0113%3Acard%3D1 online] at [[w:Perseus Digital Library|''Perseus Digital Library'']]--></small> [[File:Relief of Medea and the Peliades Antikensammlung Berlin.jpg|thumb|A herb most bruised is woman.]] * Ἥπερ μεγίστη γίγνεται σωτηρία, <br> ὅταν γυνὴ πρὸς ἄνδρα μὴ διχοστατῇ. ** The greatest safeguard this when wife and husband do agree. *** ll. 14–15, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Surely this doth bind, <br> Through all ill days, the hurts of humankind, <br> When man and woman in one music move. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1906) * Νέα γὰρ φροντὶς οὐκ ἀλγεῖν φιλεῖ. ** The soul of the young is no friend to sorrow. *** l. 48, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Παλαιὰ καινῶν λείπεται κηδευμάτων. ** Old ties give way to new. *** ll. 76, Attendant (tr. Coleridge) * Ἀπωλόμεσθ᾽ ἄρ᾽, εἰ κακὸν προσοίσομεν <br> νέον παλαιῷ, πρὶν τόδ᾽ ἐξηντληκέναι. ** Undone are we, if to old woes fresh ones we add, ere we have drained the former to the dregs. *** ll. 78–79, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Τῶν γὰρ μετρίων πρῶτα μὲν εἰπεῖν <br> τοὔνομα νικᾷ, χρῆσθαί τε μακρῷ <br> λῷστα βροτοῖσιν. ** Moderate fortune has a name that is fairest on the tongue, and in practice it is by far the most beneficial thing for mortals. *** ll. 125–27, Nurse (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) * Τὰ δ᾽ ὑπερβάλλοντ᾽ <br> οὐδένα καιρὸν δύναται θνητοῖς, <br> μείζους δ᾽ ἄτας, ὅταν ὀργισθῇ <br> δαίμων οἴκοις, ἀπέδωκεν. ** But greatness that doth o'erreach itself, brings no blessing to mortal men; but pays a penalty of greater ruin whenever fortune is wroth with a family. *** ll. 127–30, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Καίτοι τάδε μὲν κέρδος ἀκεῖσθαι <br> μολπαῖσι βροτούς. ** This were surely a gain, to heal men's wounds by music's spell. *** ll. 199–200, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Χρὴ δὲ ξένον μὲν κάρτα προσχωρεῖν πόλει. ** A stranger most of all should adopt a city's views. *** l. 222, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πάντων δ᾽ ὅσ᾽ ἔστ᾽ ἔμψυχα καὶ γνώμην ἔχει<br />γυναῖκές ἐσμεν ἀθλιώτατον φυτόν:<br />ἃς πρῶτα μὲν δεῖ χρημάτων ὑπερβολῇ<br />πόσιν πρίασθαι, δεσπότην τε σώματος [...]<br />κἀν τῷδ᾽ ἀγὼν μέγιστος, ἢ κακὸν λαβεῖν<br />ἢ χρηστόν. ** Of all things that have life and sense we women are the most hapless creatures; first must we buy a husband at an exorbitant price, and o'er ourselves a tyrant set which is an evil worse than the first; and herein lies the most important issue, whether bur choice be good or bad. *** ll. 230–33, 235–36, Medea (tr. Coleridge) **: <!--&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Oh,<br />-->Of all things upon earth that bleed and grow, <br /> A herb most bruised is woman. We must pay <br /> Our store of gold, hoarded for that one day, <br /> To buy us some man's love; and lo, they bring <br /> A master of our flesh! There comes the sting <br /> Of the whole shame. And then the jeopardy, <br /> For good or ill, what shall that master be. <br /> (tr. Gilbert Murray) <!-- **: Thus is it, of all beings, that have life <br /> And sense, we women are most wretched; first <br /> With all our dearest treasures we must buy <br /> A husband, and in him receive a lord: <br /> And hardship this: a greater hardship yet <br /> Awaits us; here's the question, if this lord <br /> Prove gentle, or a tyrant. <br /> (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|Robert Potter]], 1781, 1814; ''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (London, 1814) vol. 1 of 2) **: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But sure among all those <br /> Who have with breath and reason been endued. <br /> We women are the most unhappy race, <br /> First with abundant gold are we constrain'd <br /> To buy a husband, and in him receive <br /> A haughty master. Still doth there remain <br /> One mischief than this mischief yet more grievous. <br /> The hazard whether we. procure a mate <br /> Worthless or virtuous. <br /> (tr. [[w:Michael Wodhull|Michael Wodhull]], 1782, 1809; ''The Nineteen Tragedies and Fragments of Euripides'' (London, 1809) vol. 1 of 3) **: But of all things as many as have life and intellect, we women are the most wretched race. Who indeed first must purchase a husband with excess of money, and receive him a lord of our persons; for this is a still greater ill than the former. And in this is the greatest risk, whether we receive a bad one or a good one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|Theodore A. Buckley]], 1858; ''The tragedies of Euripides'' (London: Henry G. Bohn, 1858) vol. 1) **: Surely, of creatures that have life and wit, <br /> We women are of all things wretchedest, <br /> Who, first, must needs, as buys the highest bidder, <br /> Thus buy a husband, and our body's master <br /> So win—for deeper depth of ill is this. <br /> Nay, risk is dire herein, — or shall we gain <br /> An evil lord or good? <br /> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: We women are the most unfortunate creatures. <br /> Firstly, with an excess of wealth it is required <br /> For us to buy a husband and take for our bodies <br /> A master; for not to take one is even worse. <br /> And now the question is serious whether we take <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Rex Warner|Rex Warner]], 1944) **: Surely, of all creatures that have life and will, we women <br /> Are the most wretched. When, for an extravagant sum, <br /> We have bought a husband, we must then accept him as <br /> Possessor of our body. This is to aggravate <br /> Wrong with worse wrong. Then the great question: will the man <br /> We get be bad or good? <br /> (tr. [[w:Philip Vellacott|Philip Vellacott]], 1963) **: Of all creatures that live and have understanding <br /> We women are the wretchedest breed alive; <br /> First, we must use excessive amounts of cash <br /> To buy our husbands, and what we get are masters <br /> Of our bodies. This is the worst pain of all. <br /> In fact, this is no small struggle, whether he’ll be <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. A. J. Podlecki, 1989, 1996; Focus Classical Library) **: Of all creatures that have breath and sensation, we women are the most unfortunate. First at an exorbitant price we must buy a husband and master of our bodies. [This misfortune is more painful than misfortune.] And the outcome of our life's striving hangs on this, whether we take a bad or a good husband. <br /> (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) **: Of all creatures that have life and reason we women are the most miserable of specimens! In the first place, at great expense we must buy a husband, taking a master to play tyrant with our bodies (this is an injustice that crowns the other one). And here lies the crucial issue for us, whether we get a good man or a bad. <br /> (tr. John Davie, 1996; ''Medea and Other Plays'' (Penguin Books, 1996, 2003)) **: Of all creatures that live and understand,<br />we women suffer most.<br />In the first place we must, for a vast sum,<br />buy a husband; what’s worse,<br />with him our bodies get a master.<br />And here’s what’s most at stake:<br />Did we get a man who’s good or bad?<br />(tr. Rachel Kitzinger, 2016; ''The Greek Plays: Sixteen Plays by Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides'' (Modern Library, 2016))--> * Ὡς τρὶς ἂν παρ᾿ ἀσπίδα <br> στῆναι θέλοιμ᾿ ἂν μᾶλλον ἢ τεκεῖν ἅπαξ. ** I would gladly take my stand in battle array three times o'er, than once give birth. *** ll. 250–51, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Κρεῖσσον δέ μοι νῦν πρός σ᾽ ἀπεχθέσθαι, γύναι, <br> ἢ μαλθακισθένθ᾽ ὕστερον μεταστένειν. ** 'Tis better for me to incur thy hatred now, lady, than to soften my heart and bitterly repent it hereafter. ** ll. 290–91, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ γὰρ ὀξύθυμος, ὡς δ᾽ αὔτως ἀνήρ, <br> ῥᾴων φυλάσσειν ἢ σιωπηλὸς σοφή. ** For cunning woman, and man likewise, is easier to guard against when quick-tempered than when taciturn. *** ll. 319–20, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Φεῦ φεῦ, βροτοῖς ἔρωτες ὡς κακὸν μέγα. ** Ah me! ah me! to mortal man how dread a scourge is love! *** l. 330, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πρὸς δὲ καὶ πεφύκαμεν<br />γυναῖκες, ἐς μὲν ἔσθλ᾽ ἀμηχανώταται,<br />κακῶν δὲ πάντων τέκτονες σοφώταται. ** We are women, unable to perform noble deeds, but most skilful architects of every sort of harm. *** l. 407, Medea (tr. Kovacs)<!--tr. David Kovacs, ''Perseus Digital Library'': "We are women, unable to perform great deeds of valor, but most skilful architects of every evil."--> * Ἄνω ποταμῶν ἱερῶν χώρονσι παγαί. ** The fountains of sacred rivers flow upwards. *** l. 410<!--409-->, Chorus (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 468-->)<!--Also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922) p. 675 (''i.e.'' everything is turned topsy turvy).--> * Δεινή τις ὀργὴ καὶ δυσίατος πέλει, <br> ὅταν φίλοι φίλοισι συμβάλωσ᾽ ἔριν. ** There is a something terrible and past all cure, when quarrels arise 'twixt those who are near and dear. *** ll. 520–21, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Χρῆν τἄρ᾽ ἄλλοθέν ποθεν βροτοὺς <br> παῖδας τεκνοῦσθαι, θῆλυ δ᾽ οὐκ εἶναι γένος: <br> χοὔτως ἂν οὐκ ἦν οὐδὲν ἀνθρώποις κακόν. ** Men should have begotten children from some other source, no female race existing; thus would no evil ever have fallen on mankind. *** ll. 573–76 (tr. Coleridge) * Ἐμοὶ γὰρ ὅστις ἄδικος ὢν σοφὸς λέγειν <br> πέφυκε, πλείστην ζημίαν ὀφλισκάνει. ** To me a wicked man who is also eloquent seems the most guilty of them all. *** ll. 580–81, Medea (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1963) * Κακοῦ γὰρ ἀνδρὸς δῶρ᾽ ὄνησιν οὐκ ἔχει. ** The gifts of a bad man bring no good with them. *** l. 618, Medea (tr. [[w:Morris H. Morgan|Morris H. Morgan]]<!--''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892; 13th ed. 1937-->)<!--Other translations: (1) ''The Hecuba, Orestes, Phœnician Virgins, and Medea, of Euripides; Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (Oxford: for D. A. Talboys, 1820), p. 214: "For the gifts of a bad man bring no assistance." (2) T. W. C. Edwards, ''The Medea, Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (London: Simpkin, Marshall, and Co., 1840: "For the gifts of a bad man have no avail."--> * Ἔρωτες ὑπὲρ μὲν ἄγαν ἐλθόντες οὐκ εὐδοξίαν <br /> οὐδ᾽ ἀρετὰν παρέδωκαν ἀνδράσιν. ** When love is in excess it brings a man nor honor nor any worthiness. *** ll. 627–28, Chorus (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) * Στέργοι δέ με σωφροσύνα, δώρημα κάλλιστον θεῶν. ** Moderation, the noblest gift of Heaven. *** l. 636, Chorus (tr. [[Georgiana Chatterton#Translations|Georgiana Chatterton]], 1863)<!--''The Heiress and Her Lovers'' (London: Richard Bentley, 1863), vol. 2 (front matter); cited in ''Bartlett's'', 1892--> * Ὦ πατρίς, ὦ δώματα, μὴ <br> δῆτ᾽ ἄπολις γενοίμαν <br> τὸν ἀμηχανίας ἔχουσα <br> δυσπέρατον αἰῶ, <br> οἰκτρότατόν <γ᾽> ἀχέων. ** O my country, O my own dear home! God grant I may never be an outcast from my city, leading that cruel helpless life, whose every day is misery. *** ll. 645–49, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Μό- <br /> χθων δ᾽ οὐκ ἄλλος ὕπερθεν ἢ <br /> γᾶς πατρίας στέρεσθαι. ** Of troubles none is greater than to be robbed of one’s native land. *** l. 651<!--653-->, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) **: For nothing is like the sorrow or supersedes the sadness of losing your native land. (tr. [[w:Paul Roche|Paul Roche]], 1974) * Οὐ γὰρ γελᾶσθαι τλητὸν ἐξ ἐχθρῶν. ** I cannot endure the taunts of enemies. *** l. 797, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ δὲ θῆλυ κἀπὶ δακρύοις ἔφυ. ** Woman is a weak creature, ever given to tears. *** l. 934, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πείθειν δῶρα καὶ θεοὺς λόγος. ** It is said that gifts persuade even the gods. *** l. 964, Medea (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--W. Gurney Benham, ''A Book of Quotations'' (1907), p. 470-->)<!--also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922), p. 311--> * Χρυσὸς δὲ κρείσσων μυρίων λόγων βροτοῖς. ** O'er men's minds gold holds more potent sway than countless words. *** l. 965, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Καὶ μανθάνω μὲν οἷα τολμήσω κακά, <br /> θυμὸς δὲ κρείσσων τῶν ἐμῶν βουλευμάτων, <br> ὅσπερ μεγίστων αἴτιος κακῶν βροτοῖς. ** I know, indeed, the evil of that I purpose; but my inclination gets the better of my judgment. *** ll. 1078–80, Medea (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--At last I understand the awful deed I am to do; but passion, that cause of direst woes to mortal man, hath triumphed o'er my sober thoughts. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * θνητῶν γὰρ οὐδείς ἐστιν εὐδαίμων ἀνήρ. ** Amongst mortals no man is happy. *** l. 1228, Messenger (tr. Coleridge) * Χαλεπὰ γὰρ βροτοῖς ὁμογενῆ μιά-<br>σματ᾽, ἕπεται δ᾽ ἅμ᾽ αὐτοφόνταις ξυνῳ-<br>δὰ θεόθεν πίτνοντ᾽ ἐπὶ δόμοις ἄχη. ** Grievous for mortals is the stain of kindred blood. For the murderers are dogged by woes harmonious with their deeds, sent by the gods upon their houses. *** ll. 1268–70, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) * Τῶν δ᾽ ἀδοκήτων πόρον ηὗρε θεός. ** For the unlooked-for god finds out a way. *** l. 1418, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) === ''[[w:Hippolytus (play)|Hippolytus]]'' (428 BC) === [[File:Archaeologische Hermeneutik; Anleitung zur Deutung klassischer Bildwerke (1919) (14758094276).jpg|thumb|Αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser.]] * Τίς δ᾽ οὐ σεμνὸς ἀχθεινὸς βροτῶν. ** Reserve in man is ever galling. *** l. 94, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Πᾶς δ᾽ ὀδυνηρὸς βίος ἀνθρώπων <br> κοὐκ ἔστι πόνων ἀνάπαυσις. ** Man's whole life is full of anguish; no respite from his woes he finds. *** ll. 189–90, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Μοχθεῖν δὲ βροτοῖσιν ἀνάγκη. ** Suffering for mortals is nature's iron law. *** l. 207, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Τὸ γὰρ ὀρθοῦσθαι γνώμην ὀδυνᾷ, <br> τὸ δὲ μαινόμενον κακόν: ἀλλὰ κρατεῖ <br> μὴ γιγνώσκοντ᾽ ἀπολέσθαι. ** Tis painful coming to one's senses again, and madness, evil though it be, has this advantage, that one has no knowledge of reason's overthrow. *** ll. 247–49, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Χρῆν γὰρ μετρίας εἰς ἀλλήλους <br> φιλίας θνητοὺς ἀνακίρνασθαι <br> καὶ μὴ πρὸς ἄκρον μυελὸν ψυχῆς. ** Mortal men should pledge themselves to moderate friendships only, not to such as reach the very heart's core. *** ll. 253–55, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὕτω τὸ λίαν ἧσσον ἐπαινῶ <br> τοῦ μηδὲν ἄγαν. ** I do not praise excess so much as moderation. *** ll. 264–65, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὅταν γὰρ αἰσχρὰ τοῖσιν ἐσθλοῖσιν δοκῇ, <br> ἦ κάρτα δόξει τοῖς κακοῖς γ᾽ εἶναι καλά. ** For when the noble countenance disgrace, poor folk of course will think that it is right. *** ll. 411–12, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--For, when the noble count their shame their good, / The lowly sure will hold it honourable. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * Μισῶ δὲ καὶ τὰς σώφρονας μὲν ἐν λόγοις, <br> λάθρᾳ δὲ τόλμας οὐ καλὰς κεκτημένας. ** Those too I hate who make profession of purity, though in secret reckless sinners. *** ll. 413–14, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--And O, I hate the continent-professed / Which treasure secret recklessness of shame. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * Mόνον δὲ τοῦτό φασ᾽ ἁμιλλᾶσθαι βίῳ, <br> γνώμην δικαίαν κἀγαθήν ὅτῳ παρῇ<!--τύχῃ-->. ** One thing only, they say, competes in value with life, the possession of a heart blameless and good. *** ll. 426-27, Phaedra (tr. David Kovacs, 1995)<!--Unsourced translation: "There is one thing alone that stands the brunt of life throughout its course: a quiet conscience."--> * Τὸ σῶφρον ὡς ἁπανταχοῦ καλὸν <br> καὶ δόξαν ἐσθλὴν ἐν βροτοῖς καρπίζεται. ** How fair is chastity however viewed, whose fruit is good repute amongst men. *** ll. 431–32, Chorus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Κἀν βροτοῖς <br> αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. ** In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best. *** l. 436<!--438-->, Nurse (tr. [[w:David Grene|David Grene]], 1942<!--''Three Greek Tragedies in Translation'' (University of Chicago Press, 1942), p. 188-->) **: Among mortals second thoughts are the wisest. (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides (Henry G. Bohn, 1850), 2 vols.-->) <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser. (''Bartlett's'', 1892) <br> Among mortals second thoughts are wisest. (''Hoyt's'', 1882<!--p. 419-->)<!--Also in Maturin M. Ballou (ed.) ''Pearls of Thought'' (1881) p. 277--> * Ἐν σοφοῖσι γὰρ <br> τάδ᾽ ἐστὶ θνητῶν, λανθάνειν τὰ μὴ καλά. ** 'Tis part of human wisdom to conceal the deed of shame. *** ll. 465–66, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Εἰσὶν δ᾽ ἐπῳδαὶ καὶ λόγοι θελκτήριοι. ** For there are charms and spells to soothe the soul. *** l. 478, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὀνάσθαι, μὴ μαθεῖν, βούλου, τέκνον. ** Be content with help, not knowledge. *** l. 517, Nurse (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)<!--Be content, my child, to profit by it and ask no questions. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * Τοι κάλ᾽ ἐν πολλοῖσι κάλλιον λέγειν. ** A virtuous tale grows fairer told to many. *** l. 610. Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ἡ γλῶσσ᾽ ὀμώμοχ᾽, ἡ δὲ φρὴν ἀνώμοτος. ** 'Twas but my tongue, 'twas not my soul that swore. *** l. 612, Hippolytus (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1902) **: My tongue an oath did take, but not my heart. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged. (tr. David Grene, 1942) * Ἁμαρτεῖν εἰκὸς ἀνθρώπους, τέκνον. ** To err is only human, child. *** l. 615, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Πρὸς τὰς τύχας γὰρ τὰς φρένας κεκτήμεθα. ** '''The credit we get for wisdom is measured by our success.''' *** l. 701, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Δεινὸν σοφιστὴν εἶπας, ὅστις εὖ φρονεῖν <br> τοὺς μὴ φρονοῦντας δυνατός ἐστ᾽ ἀναγκάσαι. ** A very master in his craft the man, who can force fools to be wise! *** ll. 921–22, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) === ''[[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]]'' (408 BC) === [[File:Orestes Pursued by the Furies by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1862) - Google Art Project.jpg |thumb|right|''The Remorse of Orestes'' by William-Adolphe Bouguereau]] * Ὅταν δὲ σὺ στένῃς, <br> ἡμᾶς παρόντας χρή σε νουθετεῖν φίλα· <br> ἐπικουρίαι γὰρ αἵδε τοῖς φίλοις καλαί. ** '''Love is all we have, the only way <br> that each can help the other.''' *** l. 298 (tr. [[w:William Arrowsmith|William Arrowsmith]], 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958)-->)<!--"I must be at thy side and give thee words of comfort; for to he lp our friends H ke this is a gracious task." (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * — Δεινὸν οἱ πολλοί, κακούργους ὅταν ἔχωσι προστάτας. <br> — Ἀλλ᾽ ὅταν χρηστοὺς λάβωσι, χρηστὰ βουλεύουσ᾽ ἀεί. ** {{smallcaps|Orestes}}: A terrible thing is the mob, when it has villains to lead it. <br> {{smallcaps|Pylades}}: Aye, but with honest leaders its counsels are honest. *** ll. 772-73 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὅταν γὰρ ἡδὺς τοῖς λόγοις, φρονῶν κακῶς <br> πείθῃ τὸ πλῆθος, τῇ πόλει κακὸν μέγα. ** When one with honeyed words but evil mind<br> Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state. *** l. 907 (''Harbottle's'', 1897<!--p. 447-->) === ''[[w:The Phoenician Women|Phoenissae]]'' (c. 409 BC) === * Ἓν μὲν μέγιστον, οὐκ ἔχει παρρησίαν. ** But this is slavery, not to speak one’s thought. ** Line 392, Jocasta (tr. Elizabeth Wyckoff, 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958) p. 472-->) **: Who dares not speak his free thoughts is a slave. (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|R. Potter]], 1823<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (Oxford: W. Baxter, 1823), 2 vols.-->) * Ἁπλοῦς ὁ μῦθος τῆς ἀληθείας ἔφυ, <br> κοὐ ποικίλων δεῖ τἄνδιχ᾽ ἑρμηνευμάτων ** The words of truth are simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it hath a fitness in itself. ** Lines 469–470, Polyneices (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891<!--Revised by George Panagiotou: "The words of truth are naturally simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it has a fitness in itself."-->) === ''[[w:The Bacchae|Bacchae]]'' (405 BC) === [[File:Euripides altes Museum.jpg|thumb|right|Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.]] * But cleverness is not wisdom, nor is the thinking on things unfit for mortals. ** Line 395 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced: "Cleverness is not wisdom. And not to think mortal thoughts is to see few days."--> * '''Dionysus''': He who believes needs no explanation.<br /> '''Pentheus''': What's the worth in believing worthless things? <br />'''Dionysus''': Much worth, but not worth telling you, it seems. ** Line 472 (tr. [[w:Colin Teevan|Colin Teevan]], 2002) * '''Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.''' ** Lines 479-480 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) **: To the fool, he who speaks wisdom will sound foolish. (''Bartlett's'', 13th ed. 1955) **: He were a fool, methinks, who would utter wisdom to a fool. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Wise words being brought to blinded eyes will seem as things of nought. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1902) * '''Slow but sure moves the might of the gods.''' ** Line 882 (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) **: Slowly but surely withal moveth the might of the gods. (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) * χρηστοῖσι δούλοις συμφορὰ τὰ δεσποτῶν. ** The misfortunes of their masters are a concern to good servants. ** Line 1028 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced translation: "Good slaves [are affected by] the adversities of their masters."--> note: the original sentence does not contain any verb * '''Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.''' ** Line 1150 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) === Fragments === :<small>Greek text cited from R. Kannicht, ''Tragicorum Graecorum Fragmenta, vol. 5 Euripides'' (Göttingen, 2004).</small> ;''Aegeus'' * κρεῖσσον δὲ πλούτου καὶ βαθυσπόρου χθονός <br> ἀνδρῶν δικαίων κἀγαθῶν ὁμιλίαι. * The company of just and righteous men is better than wealth and a rich estate. ** Frg. 7 (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) ;''Aeolus'' * κακὸν γυναῖκα πρὸς νέαν ζεῦξαι νέον· <br> μακρὰ γὰρ ἰσχὺς μᾶλλον ἀρσένων μένει, <br> θήλεια δ᾿ ἥβη θᾶσσον ἐκλείπει δέμας. ** To mate a youth with a young wife is ill; <br> Seeing a man's strength lasteth, while the bloom <br> Of beauty quickly leaves a woman's form. ** Frg. 24 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879<!--''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 289 note-->) * φεῦ φεῦ, παλαιὸς αἶνος ὡς καλῶς ἔχει· <br> γέροντες οὐδέν ἐσμεν ἄλλο πλὴν ὄχλος <br> καὶ σμῆμ᾿, ὀνείρων δ᾿ ἕρπομεν μιμήματα· <br> νοῦς δ᾿ οὐκ ἔνεστιν, οἰόμε⟨σ⟩θα δ᾿ εὖ φρονεῖν. ** Alas, how right the ancient saying is: <br> We, who are old, are nothing else but noise <br> And shape. Like mimicries of dreams we go, <br> And have no wits, although we think us wise. ** Frg. 25 (tr. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--''Oxford Book of Greek Verse in Translation'' (1938) no. 389-->) * κακῆς ἀπ᾿ ἀρχῆς γίγνεται τέλος κακόν. ** A bad beginning makes a bad ending. ** Frg. 32 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὁ χρόνος ἅπαντα τοῖσιν ὕστερον φράσει, <br> †ἄλλος ἐστὶν οὗτος, οὐκ ἐρωτῶσιν λέγει. ** Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. ** Frg. 38a (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alexander'' * παλαιὰ καινοῖς δακρύοις οὐ χρὴ στένειν. ** Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. ** Frg. 46.5 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alcmene'' * ἀλλ᾿ εὖ φέρειν χρὴ συμφορὰς τὸν εὐγενῆ. ** The nobly born must nobly meet his fate. ** Frg. 98 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--''Noblesse oblige''. — Bohn: ''Foreign Proverbs''--> ;''Alope'' * γυνὴ γυναικὶ σύμμαχος πέφυκέ πως. ** Woman is woman's natural ally. ** Frg. 108 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Andromeda'' * ἀλλ᾿ ἡδύ τοι σωθέντα μεμνῆσθαι πόνων. ** Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety. ** Frg. 133 (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 472-->) * ὅσοι γὰρ εἰς ἔρωτα πίπτουσιν βροτῶν, <br> ἐσθλῶν ὅταν τύχωσι τῶν ἐρωμένων, <br> οὐκ ἔσθ᾿ ὁποίας λείπεται τόδ᾿ ἡδονῆς. ** When it befalls poor mortal men to love, <br> Should they find worthy objects for their loving, <br> Then is there nothing left of joy to long for. ** Frg. 138 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879) ;''Antiope'' * κέρδος δ᾿ ἐν κακοῖς ἀγνωσία. ** Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. ** Frg. 205.3 (''Bartlett's'', 1892); cf. [[William Davenant|Davenant]] * φῆσίν τις εἶναι δῆτ᾿ ἐν οὐρανῷ θεούς; <br> οὐκ εἰσίν, οὐκ εἴσ᾿, εἴ τις ἀνθρώπων θέλει <br> μὴ τῷ παλαιῷ μῶρος ὢν χρῆσθαι λόγῳ. <br> σκέψασθε δ᾿ αὐτοί, μὴ ᾿πὶ τοῖς ἐμοῖς λόγοις <br> γνώμην ἔχοντες. φῆμ᾿ ἐγὼ τυραννίδα <br> κτείνειν τε πλείστους κτημάτων τ᾿ ἀποστερεῖν <br> ὅρκους τε παραβαίνοντας ἐκπορθεῖν πόλεις· <br> καὶ ταῦτα δρῶντες μᾶλλόν εἰσ᾿ εὐδαίμονες <br> τῶν εὐσεβούντων ἡσυχῇ καθ᾿ ἡμέραν. <br> πόλεις τε μικρὰς οἶδα τιμώσας θεούς, <br> αἳ μειζόνων κλύουσι δυσσεβεστέρων <br> λόγχης ἀριθμῷ πλείονος κρατούμεναι. <br> οἶμαι δ᾿ ἂν ὑμᾶς, εἴ τις ἀργὸς ὢν θεοῖς <br> εὔχοιτο καὶ μὴ χειρὶ συλλέγοι βίον <br> ⟨μαθεῖν ἄν, ὡς οὔκ εἰσιν. αἱ δ᾿ εὐπραξίαι⟩ <br> τὰ θεῖα πυργοῦσ᾿ αἱ κακαί τε συμφοραί. ** Doth some one say that there be gods above? <br/>There are not; no, there are not. Let no fool, <br/>Led by the old false fable, thus deceive you. <br/>Look at the facts themselves, yielding my words <br/>No undue credence: for I say that kings <br/>Kill, rob, break oaths, lay cities waste by fraud, <br/>And doing thus are happier than those <br/>Who live calm pious lives day after day. <br> How many little States that serve the gods <br> Are subject to the godless but more strong, <br> Made slaves by might of a superior army! <br> And you, if any ceased from work and prayed <br> To gods, nor gathered in his livelihood, <br> Would learn gods are not. All Divinity <br> Is built up from our good and evil luck. ** Frg. 286 (tr. [[John Addington Symonds|J. A. Symonds]], 1879; rev. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--First 11 lines by Symonds, ''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 294; completed by Bowra, ''OBGVT'' (1938) no. 391. Greek: ''TGF'', p. 445, no. 286-->) ** Penultimate line missing in the original; conjectural supplement by Herwerden included here. [[File:Ватикан. Еврипид (Euripide) с актерской маской (ант.статуя) ~1859г 2640.jpg|thumb|right|Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account.]] ;[[w:Bellerophon (play)|''Bellerophon'']] * τοῖς πράγμασιν γὰρ οὐχὶ θυμοῦσθαι χρεών· <br> μέλει γὰρ αὐτοῖς οὐδέν· ἀλλ᾿ οὑντυγχάνων <br> τὰ πράγματ᾿ ὀρθῶς ἢν τιθῇ, πράσσει καλῶς. ** Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account. ** Frg. 287 (tr. [[w:Arthur Richard Shilleto|A. R. Shilleto]], 1888)<!--''Plutarch's Morals: Ethical Essays'' (1888) p. 293--> ;''Hippolytus Veiled'' * αὐτός τι νῦν δρῶν εἶτα δαίμονας κάλει· <br> τῷ γὰρ πονοῦντι καὶ θεὸς ξυλλαμβάνει. ** Try first thyself, and after call in God; <br> For to the worker God himself lends aid. ** Frg. 432 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Licymnius'' * πόνος γάρ, ὡς λέγουσιν, εὐκλείας πατήρ. ** Toil, says the proverb, is the sire of fame. ** Frg. 474 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) [[File:Seated Euripides Louvre Ma343.jpg|thumb|right|When good men die their goodness does not perish, but lives though they are gone. As for the bad, all that was theirs dies and is buried with them.]] ;''Meleager'' * δειλοὶ γὰρ ἄνδρες οὐκ ἔχουσιν ἐν μάχῃ <br> ἀριθμόν, ἀλλ᾿ ἄπεισι κἂν παρῶσ᾿ ὁμοίως. ** Cowards do not count in battle; they are there, but not in it. ** Frg. 519 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ἔνδον μένουσαν τὴν γυναῖκ᾿ εἶναι χρεών <br> ἐσθλήν, θύρασι δ᾿ ἀξίαν τοῦ μηδενός. ** A woman should be good for everything at home, but abroad good for nothing. ** Frg. 521 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Oedipus'' * οὔτοι νόμισμα λευκὸς ἄργυρος μόνον <br> καὶ χρυσός ἐστιν, ἀλλὰ κἀρετὴ βροτοῖς <br> νόμισμα κεῖται πᾶσιν, ᾗ χρῆσθαι χρεών. ** Silver and gold are not the only coin; virtue too passes current all over the world. ** Frg. 542 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Protesilaus'' * δυοῖν λεγόντοιν, θατέρου θυμουμένου, <br> ὁ μὴ ἀντιτείνων τοῖς λόγοις σοφώτερος. ** Where two discourse, if the one's anger rise, <br> The man who lets the contest fall is wise. ** Frg. 654 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/bim_early-english-books-1641-1700_plutarchs-morals-_plutarch_1684/page/n65/mode/2up Anonymous, 1684]) ;''Temenidae'' * ἀρετὴ δὲ κἂν θάνῃ τις οὐκ ἀπόλλυται, <br> ζῇ δ᾿ οὐκέτ᾿ ὄντος σώματος· κακοῖσι δέ <br> ἅπαντα φροῦδα συνθανόνθ᾿ ὑπὸ χθονός. ** When good men die their goodness does not perish, <br> But lives though they are gone. As for the bad, <br> All that was theirs dies and is buried with them. ** Frg. 734 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Phoenix'' * τοιοῦτός ἐστιν οἷσπερ ἥδεται ξυνών. ** He is like the very men whose company he enjoys. ** Frg. 812.9 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.417.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009]) *** Paraphrased in ''Bartlett's'', 1892: *** Every man is like the company he is wont to keep. * ὦ φιλόζωοι βροτοί, <br> οἳ τὴν ἐπιστείχουσαν ἡμέραν ἰδεῖν <br> ποθεῖτ᾿ ἔχοντες μυρίων ἄχθος κακῶν. <br> οὕτως ἔρως βροτοῖσιν ἔγκειται βίου. ** O ye life-loving mortals,<br/>Who ever long to see the coming day,<br/>Though ye be weighed down with a thousand sorrows!<br/>So strong the yearning of mankind for life. ** Frg. 816.6–9 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/538/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ;''Phrixus'' * τίς δ᾿ οἶδεν εἰ ζῆν τοῦθ᾿ ὃ κέκληται θανεῖν, <br> τὸ ζῆν δὲ θνῄσκειν ἐστί; ** Who knows but life be that which men call death, <br> And death what men call life? ** Frg. 833 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) *** Alternative translation (J. A. Symonds, 1879): *** Who knows if that be life which we call death,<br>And life be dying? ;Fragments of uncertain placement * ἡ γὰρ σιωπὴ τοῖς σοφοῖσ⟨ιν⟩ ἀπόκρισις. ** Silence is an answer in the eyes of the wise. ** Frg. 977 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.561.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009])<!--cf. [[Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau#Attributed|Mirabeau]]--> *** Alternative translation (R. B. Appleton, 1927)<!--''Euripides the Idealist'' (London: J. M. Dent, 1927), p. 194--> *** For silence is true wisdom's best reply. * τὰ τῶν τεκόντων σφάλματ᾿ εἰς τοὺς ἐκγόνους <br> οἱ θεοὶ τρέπουσιν. ** The gods visit the sins of the fathers upon the children. ** Frg. 980 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὅστις νέος ὢν Μουσῶν ἀμελεῖ, <br> τόν τε παρελθόντ᾿ ἀπόλωλε χρόνον <br> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; καὶ τὸν μέλλοντα τέθνηκε. ** Whoso neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future. ** Frg. 1028 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * τοῖσιν εὖ φρονοῦσι συμμαχεῖ τύχη. ** Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement. ** {{w|Critias}}, frg. 10.3 TrGF = Euripides, frg. 598 N.<sup>2</sup> (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 781 note-->) ** Circulated as Euripides' in antiquity, but attributed to Critias by mulitple ancient critics. * Σοφὸς ἦν τις, ὃς τὸ θεῖον εἰσηγήσατο. ** '''I maintain, <br> Some shrewd man first, a man in counsel wise,<br>Discovered unto men the fear of Gods,<br>Thereby to frighten sinners should they sin <br>E'en secretly in deed, or word, or thought.''' ** [[w:Sisyphus fragment|Sisyphus fragment]], in [[Sextus Empiricus]], ''Against the Physicists'', bk. 1 sec. 54 (tr. R. G. Bury, [[w:Loeb Classical Library|L311]])<!--Revised by J. Garrett: "I think, / Some shrewd man first, a man in judgment wise, / Found for mortals the fear of gods, / Thereby to frighten the wicked should they / Even act or speak or scheme in secret."--> **: He was a wise man who originated the idea of God. (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 478-->) * Most cunning doctrine did he introduce,<br>The truth concealing under speech untrue.<br>The place he spoke of as the God's abode<br>Was that whereby he could affright men most,—<br>The place from which, he knew, both terrors came<br>And easements unto men of toilsome life—<br>To wit the vault above, wherein do dwell<br>The lightnings, he beheld, and awesome claps<br>Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven,<br>Fair-spangled by that cunning craftsman Time,—<br>Whence, too, the meteor's glowing mass doth speed<br>And liquid rain descends upon the earth. ** Sisyphus fragment (tr. R. G. Bury, L311)<!--Revised by J. Garrett: The sweetest teaching did he introduce, / Concealing truth under untrue speech. / The place he spoke of as the gods' abode<br>Was that by which he might awe humans most, — / The place from which, he knew, terrors came to mortals / And things advantageous in their wearisome life — / The revolving heaven above, in which dwell / The lightnings, and awesome claps / Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven, / Beautiful and intricate by that wise craftsman Time, — / From which, too, the meteor's glowing mass speeds / And wet thunderstorm pours forth upon the earth.--> * I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. ** Supposedly in ''The Suppliants'' [https://archive.org/search?query=%22shall+find+scholars+later+to+demonstrate%22&sin=TXT&sort=date] ** Also attributed to [[Frederick the Great]] of Prussia {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ἄριστον ἀνδρὶ κτῆμα συμπαθὴς γυνή. ** Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife. ** Hippothoon, frg. 3a TrGF; misattributed to Euripides due to a confusion in Stobaeus, ''Anthology'', IV.22.13–14 ([https://archive.org/details/tragicorum-graecorum-fragmenta-volume-5-euripides/page/266/mode/2up R. Kannicht, 2004:266]). * Account no man happy till he dies. ** [[Sophocles]], ''Oedipus Rex'' l. 1529 ** Cf. [[Herodotus]], bk. 1 ch. 32: But refrain from calling him fortunate before he dies; call him lucky. (tr. A. D. Godley, 1920) * Circumstances rule men and not men circumstances. ** [[Herodotus]], Book 7, Ch. 49; Misattributed to Euripides in "The Imperial Four" by Professor Creasy in ''Bentley's Miscellany'' Vol. 33 (January 1853), p. 22 ** Variant translation: Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. * Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad. ** Anonymous ancient proverb, wrongly attributed to Euripides. The version here is quoted as a "heathen proverb" in ''Daniel, a Model for Young Men'' (1854) by William Anderson Scott. The origin of the misattribution to Euripides is unknown. Several variants are quoted in ancient texts, as follows. ** Variants and derived paraphrases: *** For cunningly of old <br>was the celebrated saying revealed: <br>evil sometimes seems good <br>to a man whose mind <br>a god leads to destruction. **** Sophocles, ''Antigone'' 620-3, a play pre-dating any of Euripides' surviving plays. An ancient commentary explains the passage as a paraphrase of the following, from another, earlier poet. *** When a god plans harm against a man, <br> he first damages the mind of the man he is plotting against. **** Quoted in the ''scholia vetera'' to Sophocles' ''Antigone'' 620ff., without attribution. The meter (iambic trimeter) suggests that the source of the quotation is a tragic play. *** For whenever the anger of divine spirits harms someone, <br>it first does this: it steals away his mind <br>and good sense, and turns his thought to foolishness,''' <br>so that he should know nothing of his mistakes. **** Attributed to "some of the old poets" by [[w:Lycurgus of Athens|Lycurgus of Athens]] in his ''Oratio In Leocratem'' [''Oration Against Leocrates''], section 92. Again, the meter suggests that the source is a tragic play. These lines are misattributed to the much earlier semi-mythical statesman [[w:Lycurgus of Sparta|Lycurgus of Sparta]] in a footnote of recent editions of ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' and other works. *** The gods do nothing until they have blinded the minds of the wicked. **** Variant in ''''Dictionary of Quotations (Classical)'' (1906), compiled by Thomas Benfield Harbottle, p. 433. *** Whom Fortune wishes to destroy she first makes mad.''' **** [[Publilius Syrus]], Maxim 911 *** The devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind. **** As quoted by [[w:Athenagoras of Athens|Athenagoras of Athens]] in ''Legatio Pro Christianis''. *** ''quem Iuppiter vult perdere, dementat prius.'' **** "Whom Jupiter wishes to destroy, he first sends mad"; neo-Latin version. Similar wording is found in [[w:James Duport|James Duport]]'s ''Homeri Gnomologia'' (1660), p. 234. "A maxim of obscure origin which may have been invented in Cambridge about 1640" -- Taylor, ''The Proverb'' (1931). Probably a variant of the line "He whom the gods love dies young", derived from [[Menander]]'s play ''The Double Deceiver'' via [[Plautus]] (''Bacchides'' 816-7). *** ''quem'' (or ''quos'') ''Deus perdere vult, dementat prius.'' **** Whom God wishes to destroy, he first sends mad. *** '''Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.''' **** This variant is spoken by [[w:Prometheus|Prometheus]], in ''The Masque of Pandora'' (1875) by [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] *** Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. **** As quoted in ''George Fox Interpreted: The Religion, Revelations, Motives and Mission of George Fox'' (1881) by Thomas Ellwood Longshore, p. 154 *** Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad. **** As quoted in ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' 16th edition (1992) *** Nor do the gods appear in warrior's armour clad <br> To strike them down with sword and spear <br> Those whom they would destroy <br> They first make mad. **** Bhartṛhari, 7th c. AD; as quoted in John Brough, ''Poems from the Sanskrit'', (1968), p, 67 *** ''vināśakāle viparītabuddhiḥ'' **** Sanskrit Saying (also in ''Jatak katha''): "When a man is to be destroyed, his intelligence becomes self-destructive." ** Modern derivatives: The proverb's meaning is changed in many English versions from the 20th and 21st centuries that start with the proverb's first half (through "they") and then end with a phrase that replaces "first make mad" or "make mad." Such versions can be found at Internet search engines by using either of the two keyword phrases that are on Page 2 and Page 4 of the webpage "[http://www.bu.edu/av/celop2/not_ESL/pick_any_wrong_card.pdf Pick any Wrong Card]." The rest of that webpage is frameworks that induce a reader to compose new variations on this proverb. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Euripides == * [[Sophocles]] said that he drew men as they ought to be; Euripides, as they are. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Poetics'', ch. 25 (trans. S. H. Butcher) * I could not bear Euripides at college. I now read my recantation. He has faults undoubtedly. But what a poet! The [[w:Medea (play)|Medea]], the [[w:Alcestis (play)|Alcestis]], the [[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]], the [[w:The Bacchae|Bacchæ]], are alone sufficient to place him in the very first rank. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to Thomas Flower Ellis (8 February 1835), quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 431 * The [[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]] is one of the very finest plays in the Greek language. Among those of Euripides, I should place it next to the Medea and the Bacchæ. It has some very real faults; but it possesses that strong human interest which neither [[Aeschylus|Æschylus]] nor [[Sophocles]],—poets in many respects far superior to Euripides,—ever gave to their dramas. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 474 * The Bacchæ is a most glorious play. I doubt whether it be not superior to the Medea. It is often very obscure; and I am not sure that I fully understand its general scope. But, as a piece of language, it is hardly equalled in the world. And, whether it was intended to encourage or to discourage fanaticism, the picture of fanatical excitement which it exhibits has never been rivalled. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), pp. 474-475 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat|Euripides}} {{wikisource author|Euripides}} * {{gutenberg author| id=Euripides | name=Euripides}} * [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/eb11-euripides.html Article in ''Encyclopaedia Britannica'' (11th edition) at Fordham University] * [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/vor?x=0&y=0&lookup=Euripides Euripides-related materials at the Perseus Digital Library] * [http://www.theatrehistory.com/ancient/euripides001.html "Euripedes and His Tragedies" at TheatreHistory.com] * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0262381/ IMDBs List of movies based on Euripides plays] * [https://www.ellopos.net/elpenor/greek-texts/ancient-greece/euripides.asp Euripides Resources] {{DEFAULTSORT:Euripides}} [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:Playwrights from Greece]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Athens]] s0t23o5pltffcto83fwd7qto5spkz1z 3944505 3944502 2026-05-23T15:00:51Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 /* Quotes about Euripides */ Greek of Aristotle quote; adding quote by Quintilian 3944505 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Euripides Pio-Clementino Inv302.jpg|thumb|right|In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side.]] '''[[w:Euripides|Euripides]]''' (Greek: Εὐριπίδης; c. [[480 BC]]–[[406 BC]]) was a [[:Category:Authors|Greek playwright]]. == Quotes == * ἁγὼ οὔτινι θύω πλὴν ἐμοὶ, θεοῖσι δ᾽ οὔ, <br/> καὶ τῇ μεγίστῃ γαστρὶ τῇδε δαιμόνων. ** I sacrifice to no god save myself — <br/> And to my belly, greatest of deities. ** [[w:Cyclops (play)|''Cyclops'']] (''c''. 424-23 BC) l. 334 (ed. [[w:Burton Egbert Stevenson|B. E. Stevenson]], 1948<!--''The Home Book of Proverbs, Maxims and Familiar Phrases'' (New York: Macmillan Co., 1948) p. 165-->) **: To what other God but to myself <br/> And this great belly, first of deities, <br/> Should I be bound to sacrifice? <br/> (tr. [[Percy Bysshe Shelley|P. B. Shelley]], wr. 1819; pub. 1824) * I care for riches, to make gifts <br> To friends, or lead a sick man back to health<br> With ease and plenty. Else small aid is wealth <br> For daily gladness; once a man be done <br> With hunger, rich and poor are all as one. ** [[w:Electra (Euripides play)|''Electra'']] (413 BC) l. ? (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1906)<!--Cited in ''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968--> * On behalf of all those dead<br>who learned their hatred of women long ago,<br>for those who hate them now, for those unborn<br>who shall live to hate them yet, I now declare<br>my firm conviction: neither earth nor ocean<br>produces a creature as savage and monstrous<br>as woman. ** [[w:Hecuba (play)|''Hecuba'']] (424 BC), ll. 1177-1182 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1956<!--'''Euripides III'' (University of Chicago Press, 1956)-->) **: Let me tell you, if anyone in the past has spoken<br>ill of women, or speaks so now or will speak so<br>in the future, I’ll sum it up for him: Neither sea<br>nor land has ever produced a more monstrous<br>creature than woman.<br>(tr. Jay Kardan and Laura-Gray Street, 2011, in ''Didaskalia'', [https://didaskalia.net/issues/8/32/ vol. 8 no. 32]) * λόγος γάρ ἐστιν οὐκ ἐμός, σοφὸν δ᾽ ἔπος,<br>δεινῆς ἀνάγκης οὐδὲν ἰσχύειν πλέον. ** '''Nothing has more strength than dire necessity.''' ** [[w:Helen (play)|''Helen'']] (412 BC), l. 510 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956), quoting "a saying" * Man's most valuable trait<br>is a judicious sense of what not to believe. ** ''Helen'', ll. 1617-1618 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) **: There is naught more serviceable to mankind than a prudent distrust. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--''The Plays of Euripides'' (London: George Bell & Sons, 1891), 2 vols.--><!--Unsourced: "Nothing is more useful to mankind than a prudent distrust."--> * Who can decide a plea or judge a speech until he has heard plainly from both sides? ** [[w:Children of Heracles|''Heraclidæ'']] (''c''. 428 BC), [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0104%3Acard%3D134 ll. 179-180] (tr. David Kovacs), quoted by [[Aristophanes]] in ''The Wasps'' **: In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side. —''Forbes'', vol. 86 no. 10 (15 Nov. 1960) p. 70 * '''Leave no stone unturned.''' ** ''Heraclidæ'' (''c''. 428 BC), l. 1002 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--cf. [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Butler]], ''Hudibras''--> * '''Ares hates those who hesitate.''' ** ''Heraclidæ'' (''c''. 428 BC), l. 722 (ed. H. L. Mencken, 1942, '60)<!--H. L. Mencken, ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles'' (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1942; 1960)--> **: Ares hates the sluggard most of all. (tr. David Kovacs) * Yet do I hold that mortal foolish who strives against the stress of necessity. ** [[w:Herakles (Euripides)|''Hercules Furens'']], l. 281 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * O lady, nobility is thine, and thy form is the reflection of thy nature! ** [[w:Ion (play)|''Ion'']]<!--"Gon."--> (''c''. 421-408 BC) l. 238 (tr. E. F. Burr, 1880)<!--''Dio, the Athenian; or, From Olympus to Calvary'' (New York: Phillips & Hunt, 1880, ch. 17 epigraph (p. 385); also in J. K. Hoyt and Anna L. Ward, ''The Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations'' (New York: I. K. Funk & Co., 1882), p. 290--> * Authority is never without hate. ** ''Ion'' (c. 421-408 BC) l. ? (tr. Ronald F. Willetts, 1958) * Thou didst bring me forth for all the Greeks in common, not for thyself alone. ** [[w:Iphigenia in Aulis|''Iphigenia in Aulis'']], l. 1386 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''A coward turns away, but a brave man's choice is danger.''' ** [[w:Iphigenia in Tauris|''Iphigenia in Tauris'']] (''c''. 412 BC) l. 114 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) * '''There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy change.''' ** ''Iphigenia in Tauris'' (''c''. 412 BC) l. 721 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''Slight not what's near through aiming at what's far.''' ** [[w:Rhesus (play)|''Rhesus'']] (''c''. 435 BC) l. 482 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''For naught is there more sweet unto an aged sire than a daughter's love.''' ** [[w:The Suppliants (Euripides)|''The Suppliants'']] (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--Unsourced: '''For nothing is there more sweet unto an aged father than a daughter'''--> * Naught is more hostile to a city than a despot; where he is, there are in the first place no laws common to all, but one man is tyrant, in whose keeping and in his alone the law resides, and in that case equality is at an end. ** ''The Suppliants'' (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * '''Helen''': What happened in my heart, to make me leave my home<br />And my own land, to follow where a stranger led?<br />Rail at the goddess; be more resolute than Zeus,<br />Who holds power over all other divinities<br />But is himself the slave of love. Show Aphrodite<br />Your indignation; me, pardon and sympathy.<br />'''Hecabe''': No; Paris was an extremely handsome man – one look,<br />And your appetite became your Aphrodite. Why,<br />Men's lawless lusts are all called love – it's a confusion<br />Easily made. ** ''[[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]]'' (c. 415 BC), ll. 946–950 and 987–990 (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1954) === ''[[w:Alcestis|Alcestis]]'' (438 BC) === [[File:Alcestis and Admetus Ancient Roman fresco (45–79 AD) from the Augusteum-Basilica, Herculaneum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. <br> We all of us are debtors unto death.]] * Οὔποτε φήσω γάμον εὐφραίνειν <br> πλέον ἢ λυπεῖν. ** Never say that marriage has more of joy than pain. ** l. 238, Chorus-Leader (tr. Dudley Fitts and Robert Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐχθρὰ γὰρ ἡ 'πιοῦσα μητρυιὰ τέκνοις <br> τοῖς πρόσθ᾽, ἐχίδνης οὐδὲν ἠπιωτέρα. ** A second wife <br> is hateful to the children of the first, <br> a viper is not more hateful. ** l. 309, Alcestis (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Εἰ δ᾽ Ὀρφέως μοι γλῶσσα καὶ μέλος παρῆν, <br> ὥστ᾽ ἢ κόρην Δήμητρος ἢ κείνης πόσιν <br> ὕμνοισι κηλήσαντά σ᾽ ἐξ Ἅιδου λαβεῖν, <br> κατῆλθον ἄν, καί μ᾽ οὔθ᾽ ὁ Πλούτωνος κύων <br> οὔθ᾽ οὑπὶ κώπῃ ψυχοπομπὸς ἂν Χάρων <br> ἔσχον, πρὶν ἐς φῶς σὸν καταστῆσαι βίον. ** '''Oh, if I had [[w:Orpheus|Orpheus]]' voice and poetry <br>with which to move the Dark Maid and her Lord, <br>I'd call you back, dear love, from the world below.''' <br>I'd go down there for you. Charôn or the grim <br>King's dog could not prevent me then <br>from carrying you up into the fields of light. ** l. 358, Admetus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) **: Had I the tongue, the tuneful yoice of Orpheus to charm Demeter's daughter or her husband by my lay and bring thee back from Hades, I had gone down, nor Pluto's hound, nor Charon, ferryman of souls, whose hand is on the oar, had held me back, till to the light I had restored thee alive. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὐ γάρ τι πρῶτος οὐδὲ λοίσθιος βροτῶν <br> γυναικὸς ἐσθλῆς ἤμπλακες: γίγνωσκε δὲ <br> ὡς πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. ** Thou art by no means the first nor yet shalt be the last of men to lose a wife of worth; know this, we all of us are debtors unto death. ** l. 416<!--415-->, Chorus-Leader (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Thou shalt not be the last, nor yet the first, <br> To lose a noble wife. Be brave, and know <br> To die is but a debt that all men owe. <br> (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1915) **: Not first of mortals thou, nor shalt be last <br> To lose a noble wife; and, be thou sure, <br> From us, from all, this debt is due — to die. <br> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: You are neither the first nor the last of mortals <br> to lose a noble wife; understand that <br> everyone is obliged to die. <br> (tr. Ruby Blondell, 1999<!--''Women On the Edge: Four Plays'' (Routledge, 1999)-->) * Κούφα σοι χθὼν ἐπάνωθε πέσοι. ** Light be the earth upon you, lightly rest. ** l. 462, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--Thus petitions the Chorus over the dead body of the heroine, untimely rapt away. Cf. [[Martial]], 9, 30, 11: ''Sit tibi terra levis'' (abbrev. ''S.T.T.L.'')—"May earth lie light upon thee." Common funeral inscription. [[Ovid]], in the same spirit, prays for the repose of [[Tibullus]], ''Amores, 3, 9, 67), ''Ossa quieta precor tuta requiescite in urna, / Et sit humus cineri non onerosa tuo.''—"Inurned in peace, may thy bones rest, I pray; / And on thy ashes earth no burden lay." —''Classical and Foreign Quotations'' (1904) no. 2578--><!--Cf. [[Beaumont and Fletcher#The Maid's Tragedy (c. 1609; published 1619|Beaumont and Fletcher]], ''[[w:The Maid's Tragedy|The Maid's Tragedy]]'' (c. 1609), act 2, sc. 2. [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], ''Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady'' (1717, '20), ll. 64–5. [[Oscar Wilde|Wilde]], ''Requiescat'' (1881)--> * Μάτην ἄρ᾽ οἱ γέροντες εὔχονται θανεῖν, <br> γῆρας ψέγοντες καὶ μακρὸν χρόνον βίου: <br> ἢν δ᾽ ἐγγὺς ἔλθῃ θάνατος, οὐδεὶς βούλεται <br> θνῄσκειν, τὸ γῆρας δ᾽ οὐκέτ᾽ ἔστ᾽ αὐτοῖς βαρύ. ** Old men's prayers for death are lying prayers, in which they abuse old age and long extent of life. But when death draws near, not one is willing to die, and age no longer is a burden to them. ** l. 669, Admetus (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * Κακῶς ἀκούειν οὐ μέλει θανόντι μοι. ** Dishonour will not trouble me, once I am dead. ** l. 726, Pheres (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--"When I am gone, I care not what men say." (tr. David Kovacs, 1994)--> * Βροτοῖς ἅπασι κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται, <br> κοὐκ ἔστι θνητῶν ὅστις ἐξεπίσταται <br> τὴν αὔριον μέλλουσαν εἰ βιώσεται: <br> τὸ τῆς τύχης γὰρ ἀφανὲς οἷ προβήσεται, <br> κἄστ᾽ οὐ διδακτὸν οὐδ᾽ ἁλίσκεται τέχνῃ. ** Death is the common debt of man; no mortal really knows if he will live to see the morrow's light; for Fortune's issues are not in our ken, beyond the teacher's rule they lie, no art can master them. ** ll. 783-6, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow." (tr. Robert and Mary Collison, 1980); ''Dictionary of Foreign Quotations'' (New York: Facts on File, 1980) p. 114--> * Τὸν καθ᾽ ἡμέραν <br> βίον λογίζου σόν, τὰ δ᾽ ἄλλα τῆς τύχης. ** Count the present day thine own, the rest to Fortune yield. ** l. 788, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Today's today. Tomorrow we may be<br>Ourselves gone down the drain of Eternity. <br> (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐγὼ καὶ διὰ μούσας <br> καὶ μετάρσιος ᾖξα, καὶ <br> πλείστων ἁψάμενος λόγων <br> κρεῖσσον οὐδὲν Ἀνάγκας. ** '''I have found power in the mysteries of thought, <br> Exaltation in the changing of the Muses; <br> I have been versed in the reasonings of men; <br> But Fate is stronger than anything I have known.''' ** ll. 962–65, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Χρόνος μαλάξει, νῦν δ᾽ ἔθ᾽ ἡβάσκει, κακόν. ** Time cancels young pain. ** l. 1085, Heracles (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) === ''[[w:Medea (play)|Medea]]'' (431 BC) === :<small><!--Greek text: David Kovacs (ed.) [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text.jsp?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0113%3Acard%3D1 online] at [[w:Perseus Digital Library|''Perseus Digital Library'']]--></small> [[File:Relief of Medea and the Peliades Antikensammlung Berlin.jpg|thumb|A herb most bruised is woman.]] * Ἥπερ μεγίστη γίγνεται σωτηρία, <br> ὅταν γυνὴ πρὸς ἄνδρα μὴ διχοστατῇ. ** The greatest safeguard this when wife and husband do agree. *** ll. 14–15, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Surely this doth bind, <br> Through all ill days, the hurts of humankind, <br> When man and woman in one music move. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1906) * Νέα γὰρ φροντὶς οὐκ ἀλγεῖν φιλεῖ. ** The soul of the young is no friend to sorrow. *** l. 48, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Παλαιὰ καινῶν λείπεται κηδευμάτων. ** Old ties give way to new. *** ll. 76, Attendant (tr. Coleridge) * Ἀπωλόμεσθ᾽ ἄρ᾽, εἰ κακὸν προσοίσομεν <br> νέον παλαιῷ, πρὶν τόδ᾽ ἐξηντληκέναι. ** Undone are we, if to old woes fresh ones we add, ere we have drained the former to the dregs. *** ll. 78–79, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Τῶν γὰρ μετρίων πρῶτα μὲν εἰπεῖν <br> τοὔνομα νικᾷ, χρῆσθαί τε μακρῷ <br> λῷστα βροτοῖσιν. ** Moderate fortune has a name that is fairest on the tongue, and in practice it is by far the most beneficial thing for mortals. *** ll. 125–27, Nurse (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) * Τὰ δ᾽ ὑπερβάλλοντ᾽ <br> οὐδένα καιρὸν δύναται θνητοῖς, <br> μείζους δ᾽ ἄτας, ὅταν ὀργισθῇ <br> δαίμων οἴκοις, ἀπέδωκεν. ** But greatness that doth o'erreach itself, brings no blessing to mortal men; but pays a penalty of greater ruin whenever fortune is wroth with a family. *** ll. 127–30, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Καίτοι τάδε μὲν κέρδος ἀκεῖσθαι <br> μολπαῖσι βροτούς. ** This were surely a gain, to heal men's wounds by music's spell. *** ll. 199–200, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Χρὴ δὲ ξένον μὲν κάρτα προσχωρεῖν πόλει. ** A stranger most of all should adopt a city's views. *** l. 222, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πάντων δ᾽ ὅσ᾽ ἔστ᾽ ἔμψυχα καὶ γνώμην ἔχει<br />γυναῖκές ἐσμεν ἀθλιώτατον φυτόν:<br />ἃς πρῶτα μὲν δεῖ χρημάτων ὑπερβολῇ<br />πόσιν πρίασθαι, δεσπότην τε σώματος [...]<br />κἀν τῷδ᾽ ἀγὼν μέγιστος, ἢ κακὸν λαβεῖν<br />ἢ χρηστόν. ** Of all things that have life and sense we women are the most hapless creatures; first must we buy a husband at an exorbitant price, and o'er ourselves a tyrant set which is an evil worse than the first; and herein lies the most important issue, whether bur choice be good or bad. *** ll. 230–33, 235–36, Medea (tr. Coleridge) **: <!--&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Oh,<br />-->Of all things upon earth that bleed and grow, <br /> A herb most bruised is woman. We must pay <br /> Our store of gold, hoarded for that one day, <br /> To buy us some man's love; and lo, they bring <br /> A master of our flesh! There comes the sting <br /> Of the whole shame. And then the jeopardy, <br /> For good or ill, what shall that master be. <br /> (tr. Gilbert Murray) <!-- **: Thus is it, of all beings, that have life <br /> And sense, we women are most wretched; first <br /> With all our dearest treasures we must buy <br /> A husband, and in him receive a lord: <br /> And hardship this: a greater hardship yet <br /> Awaits us; here's the question, if this lord <br /> Prove gentle, or a tyrant. <br /> (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|Robert Potter]], 1781, 1814; ''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (London, 1814) vol. 1 of 2) **: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But sure among all those <br /> Who have with breath and reason been endued. <br /> We women are the most unhappy race, <br /> First with abundant gold are we constrain'd <br /> To buy a husband, and in him receive <br /> A haughty master. Still doth there remain <br /> One mischief than this mischief yet more grievous. <br /> The hazard whether we. procure a mate <br /> Worthless or virtuous. <br /> (tr. [[w:Michael Wodhull|Michael Wodhull]], 1782, 1809; ''The Nineteen Tragedies and Fragments of Euripides'' (London, 1809) vol. 1 of 3) **: But of all things as many as have life and intellect, we women are the most wretched race. Who indeed first must purchase a husband with excess of money, and receive him a lord of our persons; for this is a still greater ill than the former. And in this is the greatest risk, whether we receive a bad one or a good one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|Theodore A. Buckley]], 1858; ''The tragedies of Euripides'' (London: Henry G. Bohn, 1858) vol. 1) **: Surely, of creatures that have life and wit, <br /> We women are of all things wretchedest, <br /> Who, first, must needs, as buys the highest bidder, <br /> Thus buy a husband, and our body's master <br /> So win—for deeper depth of ill is this. <br /> Nay, risk is dire herein, — or shall we gain <br /> An evil lord or good? <br /> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: We women are the most unfortunate creatures. <br /> Firstly, with an excess of wealth it is required <br /> For us to buy a husband and take for our bodies <br /> A master; for not to take one is even worse. <br /> And now the question is serious whether we take <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Rex Warner|Rex Warner]], 1944) **: Surely, of all creatures that have life and will, we women <br /> Are the most wretched. When, for an extravagant sum, <br /> We have bought a husband, we must then accept him as <br /> Possessor of our body. This is to aggravate <br /> Wrong with worse wrong. Then the great question: will the man <br /> We get be bad or good? <br /> (tr. [[w:Philip Vellacott|Philip Vellacott]], 1963) **: Of all creatures that live and have understanding <br /> We women are the wretchedest breed alive; <br /> First, we must use excessive amounts of cash <br /> To buy our husbands, and what we get are masters <br /> Of our bodies. This is the worst pain of all. <br /> In fact, this is no small struggle, whether he’ll be <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. A. J. Podlecki, 1989, 1996; Focus Classical Library) **: Of all creatures that have breath and sensation, we women are the most unfortunate. First at an exorbitant price we must buy a husband and master of our bodies. [This misfortune is more painful than misfortune.] And the outcome of our life's striving hangs on this, whether we take a bad or a good husband. <br /> (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) **: Of all creatures that have life and reason we women are the most miserable of specimens! In the first place, at great expense we must buy a husband, taking a master to play tyrant with our bodies (this is an injustice that crowns the other one). And here lies the crucial issue for us, whether we get a good man or a bad. <br /> (tr. John Davie, 1996; ''Medea and Other Plays'' (Penguin Books, 1996, 2003)) **: Of all creatures that live and understand,<br />we women suffer most.<br />In the first place we must, for a vast sum,<br />buy a husband; what’s worse,<br />with him our bodies get a master.<br />And here’s what’s most at stake:<br />Did we get a man who’s good or bad?<br />(tr. Rachel Kitzinger, 2016; ''The Greek Plays: Sixteen Plays by Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides'' (Modern Library, 2016))--> * Ὡς τρὶς ἂν παρ᾿ ἀσπίδα <br> στῆναι θέλοιμ᾿ ἂν μᾶλλον ἢ τεκεῖν ἅπαξ. ** I would gladly take my stand in battle array three times o'er, than once give birth. *** ll. 250–51, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Κρεῖσσον δέ μοι νῦν πρός σ᾽ ἀπεχθέσθαι, γύναι, <br> ἢ μαλθακισθένθ᾽ ὕστερον μεταστένειν. ** 'Tis better for me to incur thy hatred now, lady, than to soften my heart and bitterly repent it hereafter. ** ll. 290–91, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ γὰρ ὀξύθυμος, ὡς δ᾽ αὔτως ἀνήρ, <br> ῥᾴων φυλάσσειν ἢ σιωπηλὸς σοφή. ** For cunning woman, and man likewise, is easier to guard against when quick-tempered than when taciturn. *** ll. 319–20, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Φεῦ φεῦ, βροτοῖς ἔρωτες ὡς κακὸν μέγα. ** Ah me! ah me! to mortal man how dread a scourge is love! *** l. 330, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πρὸς δὲ καὶ πεφύκαμεν<br />γυναῖκες, ἐς μὲν ἔσθλ᾽ ἀμηχανώταται,<br />κακῶν δὲ πάντων τέκτονες σοφώταται. ** We are women, unable to perform noble deeds, but most skilful architects of every sort of harm. *** l. 407, Medea (tr. Kovacs)<!--tr. David Kovacs, ''Perseus Digital Library'': "We are women, unable to perform great deeds of valor, but most skilful architects of every evil."--> * Ἄνω ποταμῶν ἱερῶν χώρονσι παγαί. ** The fountains of sacred rivers flow upwards. *** l. 410<!--409-->, Chorus (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 468-->)<!--Also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922) p. 675 (''i.e.'' everything is turned topsy turvy).--> * Δεινή τις ὀργὴ καὶ δυσίατος πέλει, <br> ὅταν φίλοι φίλοισι συμβάλωσ᾽ ἔριν. ** There is a something terrible and past all cure, when quarrels arise 'twixt those who are near and dear. *** ll. 520–21, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Χρῆν τἄρ᾽ ἄλλοθέν ποθεν βροτοὺς <br> παῖδας τεκνοῦσθαι, θῆλυ δ᾽ οὐκ εἶναι γένος: <br> χοὔτως ἂν οὐκ ἦν οὐδὲν ἀνθρώποις κακόν. ** Men should have begotten children from some other source, no female race existing; thus would no evil ever have fallen on mankind. *** ll. 573–76 (tr. Coleridge) * Ἐμοὶ γὰρ ὅστις ἄδικος ὢν σοφὸς λέγειν <br> πέφυκε, πλείστην ζημίαν ὀφλισκάνει. ** To me a wicked man who is also eloquent seems the most guilty of them all. *** ll. 580–81, Medea (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1963) * Κακοῦ γὰρ ἀνδρὸς δῶρ᾽ ὄνησιν οὐκ ἔχει. ** The gifts of a bad man bring no good with them. *** l. 618, Medea (tr. [[w:Morris H. Morgan|Morris H. Morgan]]<!--''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892; 13th ed. 1937-->)<!--Other translations: (1) ''The Hecuba, Orestes, Phœnician Virgins, and Medea, of Euripides; Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (Oxford: for D. A. Talboys, 1820), p. 214: "For the gifts of a bad man bring no assistance." (2) T. W. C. Edwards, ''The Medea, Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (London: Simpkin, Marshall, and Co., 1840: "For the gifts of a bad man have no avail."--> * Ἔρωτες ὑπὲρ μὲν ἄγαν ἐλθόντες οὐκ εὐδοξίαν <br /> οὐδ᾽ ἀρετὰν παρέδωκαν ἀνδράσιν. ** When love is in excess it brings a man nor honor nor any worthiness. *** ll. 627–28, Chorus (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) * Στέργοι δέ με σωφροσύνα, δώρημα κάλλιστον θεῶν. ** Moderation, the noblest gift of Heaven. *** l. 636, Chorus (tr. [[Georgiana Chatterton#Translations|Georgiana Chatterton]], 1863)<!--''The Heiress and Her Lovers'' (London: Richard Bentley, 1863), vol. 2 (front matter); cited in ''Bartlett's'', 1892--> * Ὦ πατρίς, ὦ δώματα, μὴ <br> δῆτ᾽ ἄπολις γενοίμαν <br> τὸν ἀμηχανίας ἔχουσα <br> δυσπέρατον αἰῶ, <br> οἰκτρότατόν <γ᾽> ἀχέων. ** O my country, O my own dear home! God grant I may never be an outcast from my city, leading that cruel helpless life, whose every day is misery. *** ll. 645–49, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Μό- <br /> χθων δ᾽ οὐκ ἄλλος ὕπερθεν ἢ <br /> γᾶς πατρίας στέρεσθαι. ** Of troubles none is greater than to be robbed of one’s native land. *** l. 651<!--653-->, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) **: For nothing is like the sorrow or supersedes the sadness of losing your native land. (tr. [[w:Paul Roche|Paul Roche]], 1974) * Οὐ γὰρ γελᾶσθαι τλητὸν ἐξ ἐχθρῶν. ** I cannot endure the taunts of enemies. *** l. 797, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ δὲ θῆλυ κἀπὶ δακρύοις ἔφυ. ** Woman is a weak creature, ever given to tears. *** l. 934, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πείθειν δῶρα καὶ θεοὺς λόγος. ** It is said that gifts persuade even the gods. *** l. 964, Medea (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--W. Gurney Benham, ''A Book of Quotations'' (1907), p. 470-->)<!--also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922), p. 311--> * Χρυσὸς δὲ κρείσσων μυρίων λόγων βροτοῖς. ** O'er men's minds gold holds more potent sway than countless words. *** l. 965, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Καὶ μανθάνω μὲν οἷα τολμήσω κακά, <br /> θυμὸς δὲ κρείσσων τῶν ἐμῶν βουλευμάτων, <br> ὅσπερ μεγίστων αἴτιος κακῶν βροτοῖς. ** I know, indeed, the evil of that I purpose; but my inclination gets the better of my judgment. *** ll. 1078–80, Medea (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--At last I understand the awful deed I am to do; but passion, that cause of direst woes to mortal man, hath triumphed o'er my sober thoughts. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * θνητῶν γὰρ οὐδείς ἐστιν εὐδαίμων ἀνήρ. ** Amongst mortals no man is happy. *** l. 1228, Messenger (tr. Coleridge) * Χαλεπὰ γὰρ βροτοῖς ὁμογενῆ μιά-<br>σματ᾽, ἕπεται δ᾽ ἅμ᾽ αὐτοφόνταις ξυνῳ-<br>δὰ θεόθεν πίτνοντ᾽ ἐπὶ δόμοις ἄχη. ** Grievous for mortals is the stain of kindred blood. For the murderers are dogged by woes harmonious with their deeds, sent by the gods upon their houses. *** ll. 1268–70, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) * Τῶν δ᾽ ἀδοκήτων πόρον ηὗρε θεός. ** For the unlooked-for god finds out a way. *** l. 1418, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) === ''[[w:Hippolytus (play)|Hippolytus]]'' (428 BC) === [[File:Archaeologische Hermeneutik; Anleitung zur Deutung klassischer Bildwerke (1919) (14758094276).jpg|thumb|Αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser.]] * Τίς δ᾽ οὐ σεμνὸς ἀχθεινὸς βροτῶν. ** Reserve in man is ever galling. *** l. 94, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Πᾶς δ᾽ ὀδυνηρὸς βίος ἀνθρώπων <br> κοὐκ ἔστι πόνων ἀνάπαυσις. ** Man's whole life is full of anguish; no respite from his woes he finds. *** ll. 189–90, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Μοχθεῖν δὲ βροτοῖσιν ἀνάγκη. ** Suffering for mortals is nature's iron law. *** l. 207, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Τὸ γὰρ ὀρθοῦσθαι γνώμην ὀδυνᾷ, <br> τὸ δὲ μαινόμενον κακόν: ἀλλὰ κρατεῖ <br> μὴ γιγνώσκοντ᾽ ἀπολέσθαι. ** Tis painful coming to one's senses again, and madness, evil though it be, has this advantage, that one has no knowledge of reason's overthrow. *** ll. 247–49, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Χρῆν γὰρ μετρίας εἰς ἀλλήλους <br> φιλίας θνητοὺς ἀνακίρνασθαι <br> καὶ μὴ πρὸς ἄκρον μυελὸν ψυχῆς. ** Mortal men should pledge themselves to moderate friendships only, not to such as reach the very heart's core. *** ll. 253–55, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὕτω τὸ λίαν ἧσσον ἐπαινῶ <br> τοῦ μηδὲν ἄγαν. ** I do not praise excess so much as moderation. *** ll. 264–65, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὅταν γὰρ αἰσχρὰ τοῖσιν ἐσθλοῖσιν δοκῇ, <br> ἦ κάρτα δόξει τοῖς κακοῖς γ᾽ εἶναι καλά. ** For when the noble countenance disgrace, poor folk of course will think that it is right. *** ll. 411–12, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--For, when the noble count their shame their good, / The lowly sure will hold it honourable. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * Μισῶ δὲ καὶ τὰς σώφρονας μὲν ἐν λόγοις, <br> λάθρᾳ δὲ τόλμας οὐ καλὰς κεκτημένας. ** Those too I hate who make profession of purity, though in secret reckless sinners. *** ll. 413–14, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--And O, I hate the continent-professed / Which treasure secret recklessness of shame. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * Mόνον δὲ τοῦτό φασ᾽ ἁμιλλᾶσθαι βίῳ, <br> γνώμην δικαίαν κἀγαθήν ὅτῳ παρῇ<!--τύχῃ-->. ** One thing only, they say, competes in value with life, the possession of a heart blameless and good. *** ll. 426-27, Phaedra (tr. David Kovacs, 1995)<!--Unsourced translation: "There is one thing alone that stands the brunt of life throughout its course: a quiet conscience."--> * Τὸ σῶφρον ὡς ἁπανταχοῦ καλὸν <br> καὶ δόξαν ἐσθλὴν ἐν βροτοῖς καρπίζεται. ** How fair is chastity however viewed, whose fruit is good repute amongst men. *** ll. 431–32, Chorus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Κἀν βροτοῖς <br> αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. ** In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best. *** l. 436<!--438-->, Nurse (tr. [[w:David Grene|David Grene]], 1942<!--''Three Greek Tragedies in Translation'' (University of Chicago Press, 1942), p. 188-->) **: Among mortals second thoughts are the wisest. (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides (Henry G. Bohn, 1850), 2 vols.-->) <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser. (''Bartlett's'', 1892) <br> Among mortals second thoughts are wisest. (''Hoyt's'', 1882<!--p. 419-->)<!--Also in Maturin M. Ballou (ed.) ''Pearls of Thought'' (1881) p. 277--> * Ἐν σοφοῖσι γὰρ <br> τάδ᾽ ἐστὶ θνητῶν, λανθάνειν τὰ μὴ καλά. ** 'Tis part of human wisdom to conceal the deed of shame. *** ll. 465–66, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Εἰσὶν δ᾽ ἐπῳδαὶ καὶ λόγοι θελκτήριοι. ** For there are charms and spells to soothe the soul. *** l. 478, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὀνάσθαι, μὴ μαθεῖν, βούλου, τέκνον. ** Be content with help, not knowledge. *** l. 517, Nurse (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)<!--Be content, my child, to profit by it and ask no questions. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * Τοι κάλ᾽ ἐν πολλοῖσι κάλλιον λέγειν. ** A virtuous tale grows fairer told to many. *** l. 610. Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ἡ γλῶσσ᾽ ὀμώμοχ᾽, ἡ δὲ φρὴν ἀνώμοτος. ** 'Twas but my tongue, 'twas not my soul that swore. *** l. 612, Hippolytus (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1902) **: My tongue an oath did take, but not my heart. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged. (tr. David Grene, 1942) * Ἁμαρτεῖν εἰκὸς ἀνθρώπους, τέκνον. ** To err is only human, child. *** l. 615, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Πρὸς τὰς τύχας γὰρ τὰς φρένας κεκτήμεθα. ** '''The credit we get for wisdom is measured by our success.''' *** l. 701, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Δεινὸν σοφιστὴν εἶπας, ὅστις εὖ φρονεῖν <br> τοὺς μὴ φρονοῦντας δυνατός ἐστ᾽ ἀναγκάσαι. ** A very master in his craft the man, who can force fools to be wise! *** ll. 921–22, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) === ''[[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]]'' (408 BC) === [[File:Orestes Pursued by the Furies by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1862) - Google Art Project.jpg |thumb|right|''The Remorse of Orestes'' by William-Adolphe Bouguereau]] * Ὅταν δὲ σὺ στένῃς, <br> ἡμᾶς παρόντας χρή σε νουθετεῖν φίλα· <br> ἐπικουρίαι γὰρ αἵδε τοῖς φίλοις καλαί. ** '''Love is all we have, the only way <br> that each can help the other.''' *** l. 298 (tr. [[w:William Arrowsmith|William Arrowsmith]], 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958)-->)<!--"I must be at thy side and give thee words of comfort; for to he lp our friends H ke this is a gracious task." (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * — Δεινὸν οἱ πολλοί, κακούργους ὅταν ἔχωσι προστάτας. <br> — Ἀλλ᾽ ὅταν χρηστοὺς λάβωσι, χρηστὰ βουλεύουσ᾽ ἀεί. ** {{smallcaps|Orestes}}: A terrible thing is the mob, when it has villains to lead it. <br> {{smallcaps|Pylades}}: Aye, but with honest leaders its counsels are honest. *** ll. 772-73 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὅταν γὰρ ἡδὺς τοῖς λόγοις, φρονῶν κακῶς <br> πείθῃ τὸ πλῆθος, τῇ πόλει κακὸν μέγα. ** When one with honeyed words but evil mind<br> Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state. *** l. 907 (''Harbottle's'', 1897<!--p. 447-->) === ''[[w:The Phoenician Women|Phoenissae]]'' (c. 409 BC) === * Ἓν μὲν μέγιστον, οὐκ ἔχει παρρησίαν. ** But this is slavery, not to speak one’s thought. ** Line 392, Jocasta (tr. Elizabeth Wyckoff, 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958) p. 472-->) **: Who dares not speak his free thoughts is a slave. (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|R. Potter]], 1823<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (Oxford: W. Baxter, 1823), 2 vols.-->) * Ἁπλοῦς ὁ μῦθος τῆς ἀληθείας ἔφυ, <br> κοὐ ποικίλων δεῖ τἄνδιχ᾽ ἑρμηνευμάτων ** The words of truth are simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it hath a fitness in itself. ** Lines 469–470, Polyneices (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891<!--Revised by George Panagiotou: "The words of truth are naturally simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it has a fitness in itself."-->) === ''[[w:The Bacchae|Bacchae]]'' (405 BC) === [[File:Euripides altes Museum.jpg|thumb|right|Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.]] * But cleverness is not wisdom, nor is the thinking on things unfit for mortals. ** Line 395 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced: "Cleverness is not wisdom. And not to think mortal thoughts is to see few days."--> * '''Dionysus''': He who believes needs no explanation.<br /> '''Pentheus''': What's the worth in believing worthless things? <br />'''Dionysus''': Much worth, but not worth telling you, it seems. ** Line 472 (tr. [[w:Colin Teevan|Colin Teevan]], 2002) * '''Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.''' ** Lines 479-480 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) **: To the fool, he who speaks wisdom will sound foolish. (''Bartlett's'', 13th ed. 1955) **: He were a fool, methinks, who would utter wisdom to a fool. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Wise words being brought to blinded eyes will seem as things of nought. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1902) * '''Slow but sure moves the might of the gods.''' ** Line 882 (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) **: Slowly but surely withal moveth the might of the gods. (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) * χρηστοῖσι δούλοις συμφορὰ τὰ δεσποτῶν. ** The misfortunes of their masters are a concern to good servants. ** Line 1028 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced translation: "Good slaves [are affected by] the adversities of their masters."--> note: the original sentence does not contain any verb * '''Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.''' ** Line 1150 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) === Fragments === :<small>Greek text cited from R. Kannicht, ''Tragicorum Graecorum Fragmenta, vol. 5 Euripides'' (Göttingen, 2004).</small> ;''Aegeus'' * κρεῖσσον δὲ πλούτου καὶ βαθυσπόρου χθονός <br> ἀνδρῶν δικαίων κἀγαθῶν ὁμιλίαι. * The company of just and righteous men is better than wealth and a rich estate. ** Frg. 7 (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) ;''Aeolus'' * κακὸν γυναῖκα πρὸς νέαν ζεῦξαι νέον· <br> μακρὰ γὰρ ἰσχὺς μᾶλλον ἀρσένων μένει, <br> θήλεια δ᾿ ἥβη θᾶσσον ἐκλείπει δέμας. ** To mate a youth with a young wife is ill; <br> Seeing a man's strength lasteth, while the bloom <br> Of beauty quickly leaves a woman's form. ** Frg. 24 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879<!--''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 289 note-->) * φεῦ φεῦ, παλαιὸς αἶνος ὡς καλῶς ἔχει· <br> γέροντες οὐδέν ἐσμεν ἄλλο πλὴν ὄχλος <br> καὶ σμῆμ᾿, ὀνείρων δ᾿ ἕρπομεν μιμήματα· <br> νοῦς δ᾿ οὐκ ἔνεστιν, οἰόμε⟨σ⟩θα δ᾿ εὖ φρονεῖν. ** Alas, how right the ancient saying is: <br> We, who are old, are nothing else but noise <br> And shape. Like mimicries of dreams we go, <br> And have no wits, although we think us wise. ** Frg. 25 (tr. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--''Oxford Book of Greek Verse in Translation'' (1938) no. 389-->) * κακῆς ἀπ᾿ ἀρχῆς γίγνεται τέλος κακόν. ** A bad beginning makes a bad ending. ** Frg. 32 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὁ χρόνος ἅπαντα τοῖσιν ὕστερον φράσει, <br> †ἄλλος ἐστὶν οὗτος, οὐκ ἐρωτῶσιν λέγει. ** Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. ** Frg. 38a (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alexander'' * παλαιὰ καινοῖς δακρύοις οὐ χρὴ στένειν. ** Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. ** Frg. 46.5 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alcmene'' * ἀλλ᾿ εὖ φέρειν χρὴ συμφορὰς τὸν εὐγενῆ. ** The nobly born must nobly meet his fate. ** Frg. 98 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--''Noblesse oblige''. — Bohn: ''Foreign Proverbs''--> ;''Alope'' * γυνὴ γυναικὶ σύμμαχος πέφυκέ πως. ** Woman is woman's natural ally. ** Frg. 108 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Andromeda'' * ἀλλ᾿ ἡδύ τοι σωθέντα μεμνῆσθαι πόνων. ** Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety. ** Frg. 133 (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 472-->) * ὅσοι γὰρ εἰς ἔρωτα πίπτουσιν βροτῶν, <br> ἐσθλῶν ὅταν τύχωσι τῶν ἐρωμένων, <br> οὐκ ἔσθ᾿ ὁποίας λείπεται τόδ᾿ ἡδονῆς. ** When it befalls poor mortal men to love, <br> Should they find worthy objects for their loving, <br> Then is there nothing left of joy to long for. ** Frg. 138 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879) ;''Antiope'' * κέρδος δ᾿ ἐν κακοῖς ἀγνωσία. ** Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. ** Frg. 205.3 (''Bartlett's'', 1892); cf. [[William Davenant|Davenant]] * φῆσίν τις εἶναι δῆτ᾿ ἐν οὐρανῷ θεούς; <br> οὐκ εἰσίν, οὐκ εἴσ᾿, εἴ τις ἀνθρώπων θέλει <br> μὴ τῷ παλαιῷ μῶρος ὢν χρῆσθαι λόγῳ. <br> σκέψασθε δ᾿ αὐτοί, μὴ ᾿πὶ τοῖς ἐμοῖς λόγοις <br> γνώμην ἔχοντες. φῆμ᾿ ἐγὼ τυραννίδα <br> κτείνειν τε πλείστους κτημάτων τ᾿ ἀποστερεῖν <br> ὅρκους τε παραβαίνοντας ἐκπορθεῖν πόλεις· <br> καὶ ταῦτα δρῶντες μᾶλλόν εἰσ᾿ εὐδαίμονες <br> τῶν εὐσεβούντων ἡσυχῇ καθ᾿ ἡμέραν. <br> πόλεις τε μικρὰς οἶδα τιμώσας θεούς, <br> αἳ μειζόνων κλύουσι δυσσεβεστέρων <br> λόγχης ἀριθμῷ πλείονος κρατούμεναι. <br> οἶμαι δ᾿ ἂν ὑμᾶς, εἴ τις ἀργὸς ὢν θεοῖς <br> εὔχοιτο καὶ μὴ χειρὶ συλλέγοι βίον <br> ⟨μαθεῖν ἄν, ὡς οὔκ εἰσιν. αἱ δ᾿ εὐπραξίαι⟩ <br> τὰ θεῖα πυργοῦσ᾿ αἱ κακαί τε συμφοραί. ** Doth some one say that there be gods above? <br/>There are not; no, there are not. Let no fool, <br/>Led by the old false fable, thus deceive you. <br/>Look at the facts themselves, yielding my words <br/>No undue credence: for I say that kings <br/>Kill, rob, break oaths, lay cities waste by fraud, <br/>And doing thus are happier than those <br/>Who live calm pious lives day after day. <br> How many little States that serve the gods <br> Are subject to the godless but more strong, <br> Made slaves by might of a superior army! <br> And you, if any ceased from work and prayed <br> To gods, nor gathered in his livelihood, <br> Would learn gods are not. All Divinity <br> Is built up from our good and evil luck. ** Frg. 286 (tr. [[John Addington Symonds|J. A. Symonds]], 1879; rev. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--First 11 lines by Symonds, ''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 294; completed by Bowra, ''OBGVT'' (1938) no. 391. Greek: ''TGF'', p. 445, no. 286-->) ** Penultimate line missing in the original; conjectural supplement by Herwerden included here. [[File:Ватикан. Еврипид (Euripide) с актерской маской (ант.статуя) ~1859г 2640.jpg|thumb|right|Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account.]] ;[[w:Bellerophon (play)|''Bellerophon'']] * τοῖς πράγμασιν γὰρ οὐχὶ θυμοῦσθαι χρεών· <br> μέλει γὰρ αὐτοῖς οὐδέν· ἀλλ᾿ οὑντυγχάνων <br> τὰ πράγματ᾿ ὀρθῶς ἢν τιθῇ, πράσσει καλῶς. ** Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account. ** Frg. 287 (tr. [[w:Arthur Richard Shilleto|A. R. Shilleto]], 1888)<!--''Plutarch's Morals: Ethical Essays'' (1888) p. 293--> ;''Hippolytus Veiled'' * αὐτός τι νῦν δρῶν εἶτα δαίμονας κάλει· <br> τῷ γὰρ πονοῦντι καὶ θεὸς ξυλλαμβάνει. ** Try first thyself, and after call in God; <br> For to the worker God himself lends aid. ** Frg. 432 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Licymnius'' * πόνος γάρ, ὡς λέγουσιν, εὐκλείας πατήρ. ** Toil, says the proverb, is the sire of fame. ** Frg. 474 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) [[File:Seated Euripides Louvre Ma343.jpg|thumb|right|When good men die their goodness does not perish, but lives though they are gone. As for the bad, all that was theirs dies and is buried with them.]] ;''Meleager'' * δειλοὶ γὰρ ἄνδρες οὐκ ἔχουσιν ἐν μάχῃ <br> ἀριθμόν, ἀλλ᾿ ἄπεισι κἂν παρῶσ᾿ ὁμοίως. ** Cowards do not count in battle; they are there, but not in it. ** Frg. 519 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ἔνδον μένουσαν τὴν γυναῖκ᾿ εἶναι χρεών <br> ἐσθλήν, θύρασι δ᾿ ἀξίαν τοῦ μηδενός. ** A woman should be good for everything at home, but abroad good for nothing. ** Frg. 521 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Oedipus'' * οὔτοι νόμισμα λευκὸς ἄργυρος μόνον <br> καὶ χρυσός ἐστιν, ἀλλὰ κἀρετὴ βροτοῖς <br> νόμισμα κεῖται πᾶσιν, ᾗ χρῆσθαι χρεών. ** Silver and gold are not the only coin; virtue too passes current all over the world. ** Frg. 542 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Protesilaus'' * δυοῖν λεγόντοιν, θατέρου θυμουμένου, <br> ὁ μὴ ἀντιτείνων τοῖς λόγοις σοφώτερος. ** Where two discourse, if the one's anger rise, <br> The man who lets the contest fall is wise. ** Frg. 654 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/bim_early-english-books-1641-1700_plutarchs-morals-_plutarch_1684/page/n65/mode/2up Anonymous, 1684]) ;''Temenidae'' * ἀρετὴ δὲ κἂν θάνῃ τις οὐκ ἀπόλλυται, <br> ζῇ δ᾿ οὐκέτ᾿ ὄντος σώματος· κακοῖσι δέ <br> ἅπαντα φροῦδα συνθανόνθ᾿ ὑπὸ χθονός. ** When good men die their goodness does not perish, <br> But lives though they are gone. As for the bad, <br> All that was theirs dies and is buried with them. ** Frg. 734 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Phoenix'' * τοιοῦτός ἐστιν οἷσπερ ἥδεται ξυνών. ** He is like the very men whose company he enjoys. ** Frg. 812.9 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.417.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009]) *** Paraphrased in ''Bartlett's'', 1892: *** Every man is like the company he is wont to keep. * ὦ φιλόζωοι βροτοί, <br> οἳ τὴν ἐπιστείχουσαν ἡμέραν ἰδεῖν <br> ποθεῖτ᾿ ἔχοντες μυρίων ἄχθος κακῶν. <br> οὕτως ἔρως βροτοῖσιν ἔγκειται βίου. ** O ye life-loving mortals,<br/>Who ever long to see the coming day,<br/>Though ye be weighed down with a thousand sorrows!<br/>So strong the yearning of mankind for life. ** Frg. 816.6–9 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/538/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ;''Phrixus'' * τίς δ᾿ οἶδεν εἰ ζῆν τοῦθ᾿ ὃ κέκληται θανεῖν, <br> τὸ ζῆν δὲ θνῄσκειν ἐστί; ** Who knows but life be that which men call death, <br> And death what men call life? ** Frg. 833 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) *** Alternative translation (J. A. Symonds, 1879): *** Who knows if that be life which we call death,<br>And life be dying? ;Fragments of uncertain placement * ἡ γὰρ σιωπὴ τοῖς σοφοῖσ⟨ιν⟩ ἀπόκρισις. ** Silence is an answer in the eyes of the wise. ** Frg. 977 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.561.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009])<!--cf. [[Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau#Attributed|Mirabeau]]--> *** Alternative translation (R. B. Appleton, 1927)<!--''Euripides the Idealist'' (London: J. M. Dent, 1927), p. 194--> *** For silence is true wisdom's best reply. * τὰ τῶν τεκόντων σφάλματ᾿ εἰς τοὺς ἐκγόνους <br> οἱ θεοὶ τρέπουσιν. ** The gods visit the sins of the fathers upon the children. ** Frg. 980 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὅστις νέος ὢν Μουσῶν ἀμελεῖ, <br> τόν τε παρελθόντ᾿ ἀπόλωλε χρόνον <br> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; καὶ τὸν μέλλοντα τέθνηκε. ** Whoso neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future. ** Frg. 1028 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * τοῖσιν εὖ φρονοῦσι συμμαχεῖ τύχη. ** Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement. ** {{w|Critias}}, frg. 10.3 TrGF = Euripides, frg. 598 N.<sup>2</sup> (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 781 note-->) ** Circulated as Euripides' in antiquity, but attributed to Critias by mulitple ancient critics. * Σοφὸς ἦν τις, ὃς τὸ θεῖον εἰσηγήσατο. ** '''I maintain, <br> Some shrewd man first, a man in counsel wise,<br>Discovered unto men the fear of Gods,<br>Thereby to frighten sinners should they sin <br>E'en secretly in deed, or word, or thought.''' ** [[w:Sisyphus fragment|Sisyphus fragment]], in [[Sextus Empiricus]], ''Against the Physicists'', bk. 1 sec. 54 (tr. R. G. Bury, [[w:Loeb Classical Library|L311]])<!--Revised by J. Garrett: "I think, / Some shrewd man first, a man in judgment wise, / Found for mortals the fear of gods, / Thereby to frighten the wicked should they / Even act or speak or scheme in secret."--> **: He was a wise man who originated the idea of God. (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 478-->) * Most cunning doctrine did he introduce,<br>The truth concealing under speech untrue.<br>The place he spoke of as the God's abode<br>Was that whereby he could affright men most,—<br>The place from which, he knew, both terrors came<br>And easements unto men of toilsome life—<br>To wit the vault above, wherein do dwell<br>The lightnings, he beheld, and awesome claps<br>Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven,<br>Fair-spangled by that cunning craftsman Time,—<br>Whence, too, the meteor's glowing mass doth speed<br>And liquid rain descends upon the earth. ** Sisyphus fragment (tr. R. G. Bury, L311)<!--Revised by J. Garrett: The sweetest teaching did he introduce, / Concealing truth under untrue speech. / The place he spoke of as the gods' abode<br>Was that by which he might awe humans most, — / The place from which, he knew, terrors came to mortals / And things advantageous in their wearisome life — / The revolving heaven above, in which dwell / The lightnings, and awesome claps / Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven, / Beautiful and intricate by that wise craftsman Time, — / From which, too, the meteor's glowing mass speeds / And wet thunderstorm pours forth upon the earth.--> * I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. ** Supposedly in ''The Suppliants'' [https://archive.org/search?query=%22shall+find+scholars+later+to+demonstrate%22&sin=TXT&sort=date] ** Also attributed to [[Frederick the Great]] of Prussia {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ἄριστον ἀνδρὶ κτῆμα συμπαθὴς γυνή. ** Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife. ** Hippothoon, frg. 3a TrGF; misattributed to Euripides due to a confusion in Stobaeus, ''Anthology'', IV.22.13–14 ([https://archive.org/details/tragicorum-graecorum-fragmenta-volume-5-euripides/page/266/mode/2up R. Kannicht, 2004:266]). * Account no man happy till he dies. ** [[Sophocles]], ''Oedipus Rex'' l. 1529 ** Cf. [[Herodotus]], bk. 1 ch. 32: But refrain from calling him fortunate before he dies; call him lucky. (tr. A. D. Godley, 1920) * Circumstances rule men and not men circumstances. ** [[Herodotus]], Book 7, Ch. 49; Misattributed to Euripides in "The Imperial Four" by Professor Creasy in ''Bentley's Miscellany'' Vol. 33 (January 1853), p. 22 ** Variant translation: Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. * Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad. ** Anonymous ancient proverb, wrongly attributed to Euripides. The version here is quoted as a "heathen proverb" in ''Daniel, a Model for Young Men'' (1854) by William Anderson Scott. The origin of the misattribution to Euripides is unknown. Several variants are quoted in ancient texts, as follows. ** Variants and derived paraphrases: *** For cunningly of old <br>was the celebrated saying revealed: <br>evil sometimes seems good <br>to a man whose mind <br>a god leads to destruction. **** Sophocles, ''Antigone'' 620-3, a play pre-dating any of Euripides' surviving plays. An ancient commentary explains the passage as a paraphrase of the following, from another, earlier poet. *** When a god plans harm against a man, <br> he first damages the mind of the man he is plotting against. **** Quoted in the ''scholia vetera'' to Sophocles' ''Antigone'' 620ff., without attribution. The meter (iambic trimeter) suggests that the source of the quotation is a tragic play. *** For whenever the anger of divine spirits harms someone, <br>it first does this: it steals away his mind <br>and good sense, and turns his thought to foolishness,''' <br>so that he should know nothing of his mistakes. **** Attributed to "some of the old poets" by [[w:Lycurgus of Athens|Lycurgus of Athens]] in his ''Oratio In Leocratem'' [''Oration Against Leocrates''], section 92. Again, the meter suggests that the source is a tragic play. These lines are misattributed to the much earlier semi-mythical statesman [[w:Lycurgus of Sparta|Lycurgus of Sparta]] in a footnote of recent editions of ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' and other works. *** The gods do nothing until they have blinded the minds of the wicked. **** Variant in ''''Dictionary of Quotations (Classical)'' (1906), compiled by Thomas Benfield Harbottle, p. 433. *** Whom Fortune wishes to destroy she first makes mad.''' **** [[Publilius Syrus]], Maxim 911 *** The devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind. **** As quoted by [[w:Athenagoras of Athens|Athenagoras of Athens]] in ''Legatio Pro Christianis''. *** ''quem Iuppiter vult perdere, dementat prius.'' **** "Whom Jupiter wishes to destroy, he first sends mad"; neo-Latin version. Similar wording is found in [[w:James Duport|James Duport]]'s ''Homeri Gnomologia'' (1660), p. 234. "A maxim of obscure origin which may have been invented in Cambridge about 1640" -- Taylor, ''The Proverb'' (1931). Probably a variant of the line "He whom the gods love dies young", derived from [[Menander]]'s play ''The Double Deceiver'' via [[Plautus]] (''Bacchides'' 816-7). *** ''quem'' (or ''quos'') ''Deus perdere vult, dementat prius.'' **** Whom God wishes to destroy, he first sends mad. *** '''Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.''' **** This variant is spoken by [[w:Prometheus|Prometheus]], in ''The Masque of Pandora'' (1875) by [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] *** Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. **** As quoted in ''George Fox Interpreted: The Religion, Revelations, Motives and Mission of George Fox'' (1881) by Thomas Ellwood Longshore, p. 154 *** Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad. **** As quoted in ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' 16th edition (1992) *** Nor do the gods appear in warrior's armour clad <br> To strike them down with sword and spear <br> Those whom they would destroy <br> They first make mad. **** Bhartṛhari, 7th c. AD; as quoted in John Brough, ''Poems from the Sanskrit'', (1968), p, 67 *** ''vināśakāle viparītabuddhiḥ'' **** Sanskrit Saying (also in ''Jatak katha''): "When a man is to be destroyed, his intelligence becomes self-destructive." ** Modern derivatives: The proverb's meaning is changed in many English versions from the 20th and 21st centuries that start with the proverb's first half (through "they") and then end with a phrase that replaces "first make mad" or "make mad." Such versions can be found at Internet search engines by using either of the two keyword phrases that are on Page 2 and Page 4 of the webpage "[http://www.bu.edu/av/celop2/not_ESL/pick_any_wrong_card.pdf Pick any Wrong Card]." The rest of that webpage is frameworks that induce a reader to compose new variations on this proverb. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Euripides == * Σοφοκλῆς ἔφη αὐτὸς μὲν οἵους δεῖ ποιεῖν, Εὐριπίδην δὲ οἷοι εἰσίν. ** [[Sophocles]] said that he drew men as they ought to be; Euripides, as they are. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Poetics'', ch. 25; 1460b33–34 (tr. S. H. Butcher) * I could not bear Euripides at college. I now read my recantation. He has faults undoubtedly. But what a poet! The [[w:Medea (play)|Medea]], the [[w:Alcestis (play)|Alcestis]], the [[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]], the [[w:The Bacchae|Bacchæ]], are alone sufficient to place him in the very first rank. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to Thomas Flower Ellis (8 February 1835), quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 431 * The [[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]] is one of the very finest plays in the Greek language. Among those of Euripides, I should place it next to the Medea and the Bacchæ. It has some very real faults; but it possesses that strong human interest which neither [[Aeschylus|Æschylus]] nor [[Sophocles]],—poets in many respects far superior to Euripides,—ever gave to their dramas. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 474 * The Bacchæ is a most glorious play. I doubt whether it be not superior to the Medea. It is often very obscure; and I am not sure that I fully understand its general scope. But, as a piece of language, it is hardly equalled in the world. And, whether it was intended to encourage or to discourage fanaticism, the picture of fanatical excitement which it exhibits has never been rivalled. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), pp. 474-475 * ''Sed longe clarius inlustraverunt hoc opus Sophocles atque Euripides, quorum in dispari dicendi via uter sit poeta melior inter plurimos quaeritur. Idque ego sane, quoniam ad praesentem materiam nihil pertinet, iniudicatum relinquo. Illud quidem nemo non fateatur necesse est, iis qui se ad agendum comparant utiliorem longe fore Euripiden. Namque is et sermone'' [. . .] ''magis accedit oratorio generi, et sententiis densus, et in iis quae a sapientibus tradita sunt paene ipsis par, et in dicendo ac respondendo cuilibet eorum qui fuerunt in foro diserti comparandus, in adfectibus vero cum omnibus mirus, tum in iis qui miseratione constant facile praecipuus.'' ** But far more distinction was brought to this genre (sc. tragedy) by Sophocles and Euripides. Their styles are very different, and there is much dispute as to which is the better poet. I leave this question unresolved, because it has nothing to do with my present subject. What everybody must admit is that Euripides will be much the more useful to persons preparing themselves to plead in court. His language [. . .] is closer to the norm of oratory; he is full of striking thoughts, and almost a match for the philosophers in expressing their teaching; his technique of speech and debate is comparable to that of anyone who has been famous for eloquence in the courts; and finally he is marvellous at expressing any emotion, and far and away the supreme master of the power to arouse pity. ** [[Quintilian]], ''{{w|Institutio Oratoria}}'', X.1.67–68 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/quintilian-orators_education/2002/pb_LCL127.287.xml D. A. Russell, 2002] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat|Euripides}} {{wikisource author|Euripides}} * {{gutenberg author| id=Euripides | name=Euripides}} * [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/eb11-euripides.html Article in ''Encyclopaedia Britannica'' (11th edition) at Fordham University] * [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/vor?x=0&y=0&lookup=Euripides Euripides-related materials at the Perseus Digital Library] * [http://www.theatrehistory.com/ancient/euripides001.html "Euripedes and His Tragedies" at TheatreHistory.com] * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0262381/ IMDBs List of movies based on Euripides plays] * [https://www.ellopos.net/elpenor/greek-texts/ancient-greece/euripides.asp Euripides Resources] {{DEFAULTSORT:Euripides}} [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:Playwrights from Greece]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Athens]] tk7lkvqt9r02bdcop4c8n3jiwant3hh 3944506 3944505 2026-05-23T15:01:28Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 /* Quotes about Euripides */ punctuation 3944506 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Euripides Pio-Clementino Inv302.jpg|thumb|right|In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side.]] '''[[w:Euripides|Euripides]]''' (Greek: Εὐριπίδης; c. [[480 BC]]–[[406 BC]]) was a [[:Category:Authors|Greek playwright]]. == Quotes == * ἁγὼ οὔτινι θύω πλὴν ἐμοὶ, θεοῖσι δ᾽ οὔ, <br/> καὶ τῇ μεγίστῃ γαστρὶ τῇδε δαιμόνων. ** I sacrifice to no god save myself — <br/> And to my belly, greatest of deities. ** [[w:Cyclops (play)|''Cyclops'']] (''c''. 424-23 BC) l. 334 (ed. [[w:Burton Egbert Stevenson|B. E. Stevenson]], 1948<!--''The Home Book of Proverbs, Maxims and Familiar Phrases'' (New York: Macmillan Co., 1948) p. 165-->) **: To what other God but to myself <br/> And this great belly, first of deities, <br/> Should I be bound to sacrifice? <br/> (tr. [[Percy Bysshe Shelley|P. B. Shelley]], wr. 1819; pub. 1824) * I care for riches, to make gifts <br> To friends, or lead a sick man back to health<br> With ease and plenty. Else small aid is wealth <br> For daily gladness; once a man be done <br> With hunger, rich and poor are all as one. ** [[w:Electra (Euripides play)|''Electra'']] (413 BC) l. ? (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1906)<!--Cited in ''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968--> * On behalf of all those dead<br>who learned their hatred of women long ago,<br>for those who hate them now, for those unborn<br>who shall live to hate them yet, I now declare<br>my firm conviction: neither earth nor ocean<br>produces a creature as savage and monstrous<br>as woman. ** [[w:Hecuba (play)|''Hecuba'']] (424 BC), ll. 1177-1182 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1956<!--'''Euripides III'' (University of Chicago Press, 1956)-->) **: Let me tell you, if anyone in the past has spoken<br>ill of women, or speaks so now or will speak so<br>in the future, I’ll sum it up for him: Neither sea<br>nor land has ever produced a more monstrous<br>creature than woman.<br>(tr. Jay Kardan and Laura-Gray Street, 2011, in ''Didaskalia'', [https://didaskalia.net/issues/8/32/ vol. 8 no. 32]) * λόγος γάρ ἐστιν οὐκ ἐμός, σοφὸν δ᾽ ἔπος,<br>δεινῆς ἀνάγκης οὐδὲν ἰσχύειν πλέον. ** '''Nothing has more strength than dire necessity.''' ** [[w:Helen (play)|''Helen'']] (412 BC), l. 510 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956), quoting "a saying" * Man's most valuable trait<br>is a judicious sense of what not to believe. ** ''Helen'', ll. 1617-1618 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) **: There is naught more serviceable to mankind than a prudent distrust. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--''The Plays of Euripides'' (London: George Bell & Sons, 1891), 2 vols.--><!--Unsourced: "Nothing is more useful to mankind than a prudent distrust."--> * Who can decide a plea or judge a speech until he has heard plainly from both sides? ** [[w:Children of Heracles|''Heraclidæ'']] (''c''. 428 BC), [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0104%3Acard%3D134 ll. 179-180] (tr. David Kovacs), quoted by [[Aristophanes]] in ''The Wasps'' **: In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side. —''Forbes'', vol. 86 no. 10 (15 Nov. 1960) p. 70 * '''Leave no stone unturned.''' ** ''Heraclidæ'' (''c''. 428 BC), l. 1002 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--cf. [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Butler]], ''Hudibras''--> * '''Ares hates those who hesitate.''' ** ''Heraclidæ'' (''c''. 428 BC), l. 722 (ed. H. L. Mencken, 1942, '60)<!--H. L. Mencken, ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles'' (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1942; 1960)--> **: Ares hates the sluggard most of all. (tr. David Kovacs) * Yet do I hold that mortal foolish who strives against the stress of necessity. ** [[w:Herakles (Euripides)|''Hercules Furens'']], l. 281 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * O lady, nobility is thine, and thy form is the reflection of thy nature! ** [[w:Ion (play)|''Ion'']]<!--"Gon."--> (''c''. 421-408 BC) l. 238 (tr. E. F. Burr, 1880)<!--''Dio, the Athenian; or, From Olympus to Calvary'' (New York: Phillips & Hunt, 1880, ch. 17 epigraph (p. 385); also in J. K. Hoyt and Anna L. Ward, ''The Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations'' (New York: I. K. Funk & Co., 1882), p. 290--> * Authority is never without hate. ** ''Ion'' (c. 421-408 BC) l. ? (tr. Ronald F. Willetts, 1958) * Thou didst bring me forth for all the Greeks in common, not for thyself alone. ** [[w:Iphigenia in Aulis|''Iphigenia in Aulis'']], l. 1386 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''A coward turns away, but a brave man's choice is danger.''' ** [[w:Iphigenia in Tauris|''Iphigenia in Tauris'']] (''c''. 412 BC) l. 114 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) * '''There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy change.''' ** ''Iphigenia in Tauris'' (''c''. 412 BC) l. 721 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''Slight not what's near through aiming at what's far.''' ** [[w:Rhesus (play)|''Rhesus'']] (''c''. 435 BC) l. 482 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''For naught is there more sweet unto an aged sire than a daughter's love.''' ** [[w:The Suppliants (Euripides)|''The Suppliants'']] (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--Unsourced: '''For nothing is there more sweet unto an aged father than a daughter'''--> * Naught is more hostile to a city than a despot; where he is, there are in the first place no laws common to all, but one man is tyrant, in whose keeping and in his alone the law resides, and in that case equality is at an end. ** ''The Suppliants'' (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * '''Helen''': What happened in my heart, to make me leave my home<br />And my own land, to follow where a stranger led?<br />Rail at the goddess; be more resolute than Zeus,<br />Who holds power over all other divinities<br />But is himself the slave of love. Show Aphrodite<br />Your indignation; me, pardon and sympathy.<br />'''Hecabe''': No; Paris was an extremely handsome man – one look,<br />And your appetite became your Aphrodite. Why,<br />Men's lawless lusts are all called love – it's a confusion<br />Easily made. ** ''[[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]]'' (c. 415 BC), ll. 946–950 and 987–990 (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1954) === ''[[w:Alcestis|Alcestis]]'' (438 BC) === [[File:Alcestis and Admetus Ancient Roman fresco (45–79 AD) from the Augusteum-Basilica, Herculaneum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. <br> We all of us are debtors unto death.]] * Οὔποτε φήσω γάμον εὐφραίνειν <br> πλέον ἢ λυπεῖν. ** Never say that marriage has more of joy than pain. ** l. 238, Chorus-Leader (tr. Dudley Fitts and Robert Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐχθρὰ γὰρ ἡ 'πιοῦσα μητρυιὰ τέκνοις <br> τοῖς πρόσθ᾽, ἐχίδνης οὐδὲν ἠπιωτέρα. ** A second wife <br> is hateful to the children of the first, <br> a viper is not more hateful. ** l. 309, Alcestis (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Εἰ δ᾽ Ὀρφέως μοι γλῶσσα καὶ μέλος παρῆν, <br> ὥστ᾽ ἢ κόρην Δήμητρος ἢ κείνης πόσιν <br> ὕμνοισι κηλήσαντά σ᾽ ἐξ Ἅιδου λαβεῖν, <br> κατῆλθον ἄν, καί μ᾽ οὔθ᾽ ὁ Πλούτωνος κύων <br> οὔθ᾽ οὑπὶ κώπῃ ψυχοπομπὸς ἂν Χάρων <br> ἔσχον, πρὶν ἐς φῶς σὸν καταστῆσαι βίον. ** '''Oh, if I had [[w:Orpheus|Orpheus]]' voice and poetry <br>with which to move the Dark Maid and her Lord, <br>I'd call you back, dear love, from the world below.''' <br>I'd go down there for you. Charôn or the grim <br>King's dog could not prevent me then <br>from carrying you up into the fields of light. ** l. 358, Admetus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) **: Had I the tongue, the tuneful yoice of Orpheus to charm Demeter's daughter or her husband by my lay and bring thee back from Hades, I had gone down, nor Pluto's hound, nor Charon, ferryman of souls, whose hand is on the oar, had held me back, till to the light I had restored thee alive. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὐ γάρ τι πρῶτος οὐδὲ λοίσθιος βροτῶν <br> γυναικὸς ἐσθλῆς ἤμπλακες: γίγνωσκε δὲ <br> ὡς πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. ** Thou art by no means the first nor yet shalt be the last of men to lose a wife of worth; know this, we all of us are debtors unto death. ** l. 416<!--415-->, Chorus-Leader (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Thou shalt not be the last, nor yet the first, <br> To lose a noble wife. Be brave, and know <br> To die is but a debt that all men owe. <br> (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1915) **: Not first of mortals thou, nor shalt be last <br> To lose a noble wife; and, be thou sure, <br> From us, from all, this debt is due — to die. <br> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: You are neither the first nor the last of mortals <br> to lose a noble wife; understand that <br> everyone is obliged to die. <br> (tr. Ruby Blondell, 1999<!--''Women On the Edge: Four Plays'' (Routledge, 1999)-->) * Κούφα σοι χθὼν ἐπάνωθε πέσοι. ** Light be the earth upon you, lightly rest. ** l. 462, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--Thus petitions the Chorus over the dead body of the heroine, untimely rapt away. Cf. [[Martial]], 9, 30, 11: ''Sit tibi terra levis'' (abbrev. ''S.T.T.L.'')—"May earth lie light upon thee." Common funeral inscription. [[Ovid]], in the same spirit, prays for the repose of [[Tibullus]], ''Amores, 3, 9, 67), ''Ossa quieta precor tuta requiescite in urna, / Et sit humus cineri non onerosa tuo.''—"Inurned in peace, may thy bones rest, I pray; / And on thy ashes earth no burden lay." —''Classical and Foreign Quotations'' (1904) no. 2578--><!--Cf. [[Beaumont and Fletcher#The Maid's Tragedy (c. 1609; published 1619|Beaumont and Fletcher]], ''[[w:The Maid's Tragedy|The Maid's Tragedy]]'' (c. 1609), act 2, sc. 2. [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], ''Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady'' (1717, '20), ll. 64–5. [[Oscar Wilde|Wilde]], ''Requiescat'' (1881)--> * Μάτην ἄρ᾽ οἱ γέροντες εὔχονται θανεῖν, <br> γῆρας ψέγοντες καὶ μακρὸν χρόνον βίου: <br> ἢν δ᾽ ἐγγὺς ἔλθῃ θάνατος, οὐδεὶς βούλεται <br> θνῄσκειν, τὸ γῆρας δ᾽ οὐκέτ᾽ ἔστ᾽ αὐτοῖς βαρύ. ** Old men's prayers for death are lying prayers, in which they abuse old age and long extent of life. But when death draws near, not one is willing to die, and age no longer is a burden to them. ** l. 669, Admetus (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * Κακῶς ἀκούειν οὐ μέλει θανόντι μοι. ** Dishonour will not trouble me, once I am dead. ** l. 726, Pheres (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--"When I am gone, I care not what men say." (tr. David Kovacs, 1994)--> * Βροτοῖς ἅπασι κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται, <br> κοὐκ ἔστι θνητῶν ὅστις ἐξεπίσταται <br> τὴν αὔριον μέλλουσαν εἰ βιώσεται: <br> τὸ τῆς τύχης γὰρ ἀφανὲς οἷ προβήσεται, <br> κἄστ᾽ οὐ διδακτὸν οὐδ᾽ ἁλίσκεται τέχνῃ. ** Death is the common debt of man; no mortal really knows if he will live to see the morrow's light; for Fortune's issues are not in our ken, beyond the teacher's rule they lie, no art can master them. ** ll. 783-6, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow." (tr. Robert and Mary Collison, 1980); ''Dictionary of Foreign Quotations'' (New York: Facts on File, 1980) p. 114--> * Τὸν καθ᾽ ἡμέραν <br> βίον λογίζου σόν, τὰ δ᾽ ἄλλα τῆς τύχης. ** Count the present day thine own, the rest to Fortune yield. ** l. 788, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Today's today. Tomorrow we may be<br>Ourselves gone down the drain of Eternity. <br> (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐγὼ καὶ διὰ μούσας <br> καὶ μετάρσιος ᾖξα, καὶ <br> πλείστων ἁψάμενος λόγων <br> κρεῖσσον οὐδὲν Ἀνάγκας. ** '''I have found power in the mysteries of thought, <br> Exaltation in the changing of the Muses; <br> I have been versed in the reasonings of men; <br> But Fate is stronger than anything I have known.''' ** ll. 962–65, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Χρόνος μαλάξει, νῦν δ᾽ ἔθ᾽ ἡβάσκει, κακόν. ** Time cancels young pain. ** l. 1085, Heracles (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) === ''[[w:Medea (play)|Medea]]'' (431 BC) === :<small><!--Greek text: David Kovacs (ed.) [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text.jsp?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0113%3Acard%3D1 online] at [[w:Perseus Digital Library|''Perseus Digital Library'']]--></small> [[File:Relief of Medea and the Peliades Antikensammlung Berlin.jpg|thumb|A herb most bruised is woman.]] * Ἥπερ μεγίστη γίγνεται σωτηρία, <br> ὅταν γυνὴ πρὸς ἄνδρα μὴ διχοστατῇ. ** The greatest safeguard this when wife and husband do agree. *** ll. 14–15, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Surely this doth bind, <br> Through all ill days, the hurts of humankind, <br> When man and woman in one music move. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1906) * Νέα γὰρ φροντὶς οὐκ ἀλγεῖν φιλεῖ. ** The soul of the young is no friend to sorrow. *** l. 48, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Παλαιὰ καινῶν λείπεται κηδευμάτων. ** Old ties give way to new. *** ll. 76, Attendant (tr. Coleridge) * Ἀπωλόμεσθ᾽ ἄρ᾽, εἰ κακὸν προσοίσομεν <br> νέον παλαιῷ, πρὶν τόδ᾽ ἐξηντληκέναι. ** Undone are we, if to old woes fresh ones we add, ere we have drained the former to the dregs. *** ll. 78–79, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Τῶν γὰρ μετρίων πρῶτα μὲν εἰπεῖν <br> τοὔνομα νικᾷ, χρῆσθαί τε μακρῷ <br> λῷστα βροτοῖσιν. ** Moderate fortune has a name that is fairest on the tongue, and in practice it is by far the most beneficial thing for mortals. *** ll. 125–27, Nurse (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) * Τὰ δ᾽ ὑπερβάλλοντ᾽ <br> οὐδένα καιρὸν δύναται θνητοῖς, <br> μείζους δ᾽ ἄτας, ὅταν ὀργισθῇ <br> δαίμων οἴκοις, ἀπέδωκεν. ** But greatness that doth o'erreach itself, brings no blessing to mortal men; but pays a penalty of greater ruin whenever fortune is wroth with a family. *** ll. 127–30, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Καίτοι τάδε μὲν κέρδος ἀκεῖσθαι <br> μολπαῖσι βροτούς. ** This were surely a gain, to heal men's wounds by music's spell. *** ll. 199–200, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Χρὴ δὲ ξένον μὲν κάρτα προσχωρεῖν πόλει. ** A stranger most of all should adopt a city's views. *** l. 222, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πάντων δ᾽ ὅσ᾽ ἔστ᾽ ἔμψυχα καὶ γνώμην ἔχει<br />γυναῖκές ἐσμεν ἀθλιώτατον φυτόν:<br />ἃς πρῶτα μὲν δεῖ χρημάτων ὑπερβολῇ<br />πόσιν πρίασθαι, δεσπότην τε σώματος [...]<br />κἀν τῷδ᾽ ἀγὼν μέγιστος, ἢ κακὸν λαβεῖν<br />ἢ χρηστόν. ** Of all things that have life and sense we women are the most hapless creatures; first must we buy a husband at an exorbitant price, and o'er ourselves a tyrant set which is an evil worse than the first; and herein lies the most important issue, whether bur choice be good or bad. *** ll. 230–33, 235–36, Medea (tr. Coleridge) **: <!--&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Oh,<br />-->Of all things upon earth that bleed and grow, <br /> A herb most bruised is woman. We must pay <br /> Our store of gold, hoarded for that one day, <br /> To buy us some man's love; and lo, they bring <br /> A master of our flesh! There comes the sting <br /> Of the whole shame. And then the jeopardy, <br /> For good or ill, what shall that master be. <br /> (tr. Gilbert Murray) <!-- **: Thus is it, of all beings, that have life <br /> And sense, we women are most wretched; first <br /> With all our dearest treasures we must buy <br /> A husband, and in him receive a lord: <br /> And hardship this: a greater hardship yet <br /> Awaits us; here's the question, if this lord <br /> Prove gentle, or a tyrant. <br /> (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|Robert Potter]], 1781, 1814; ''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (London, 1814) vol. 1 of 2) **: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But sure among all those <br /> Who have with breath and reason been endued. <br /> We women are the most unhappy race, <br /> First with abundant gold are we constrain'd <br /> To buy a husband, and in him receive <br /> A haughty master. Still doth there remain <br /> One mischief than this mischief yet more grievous. <br /> The hazard whether we. procure a mate <br /> Worthless or virtuous. <br /> (tr. [[w:Michael Wodhull|Michael Wodhull]], 1782, 1809; ''The Nineteen Tragedies and Fragments of Euripides'' (London, 1809) vol. 1 of 3) **: But of all things as many as have life and intellect, we women are the most wretched race. Who indeed first must purchase a husband with excess of money, and receive him a lord of our persons; for this is a still greater ill than the former. And in this is the greatest risk, whether we receive a bad one or a good one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|Theodore A. Buckley]], 1858; ''The tragedies of Euripides'' (London: Henry G. Bohn, 1858) vol. 1) **: Surely, of creatures that have life and wit, <br /> We women are of all things wretchedest, <br /> Who, first, must needs, as buys the highest bidder, <br /> Thus buy a husband, and our body's master <br /> So win—for deeper depth of ill is this. <br /> Nay, risk is dire herein, — or shall we gain <br /> An evil lord or good? <br /> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: We women are the most unfortunate creatures. <br /> Firstly, with an excess of wealth it is required <br /> For us to buy a husband and take for our bodies <br /> A master; for not to take one is even worse. <br /> And now the question is serious whether we take <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Rex Warner|Rex Warner]], 1944) **: Surely, of all creatures that have life and will, we women <br /> Are the most wretched. When, for an extravagant sum, <br /> We have bought a husband, we must then accept him as <br /> Possessor of our body. This is to aggravate <br /> Wrong with worse wrong. Then the great question: will the man <br /> We get be bad or good? <br /> (tr. [[w:Philip Vellacott|Philip Vellacott]], 1963) **: Of all creatures that live and have understanding <br /> We women are the wretchedest breed alive; <br /> First, we must use excessive amounts of cash <br /> To buy our husbands, and what we get are masters <br /> Of our bodies. This is the worst pain of all. <br /> In fact, this is no small struggle, whether he’ll be <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. A. J. Podlecki, 1989, 1996; Focus Classical Library) **: Of all creatures that have breath and sensation, we women are the most unfortunate. First at an exorbitant price we must buy a husband and master of our bodies. [This misfortune is more painful than misfortune.] And the outcome of our life's striving hangs on this, whether we take a bad or a good husband. <br /> (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) **: Of all creatures that have life and reason we women are the most miserable of specimens! In the first place, at great expense we must buy a husband, taking a master to play tyrant with our bodies (this is an injustice that crowns the other one). And here lies the crucial issue for us, whether we get a good man or a bad. <br /> (tr. John Davie, 1996; ''Medea and Other Plays'' (Penguin Books, 1996, 2003)) **: Of all creatures that live and understand,<br />we women suffer most.<br />In the first place we must, for a vast sum,<br />buy a husband; what’s worse,<br />with him our bodies get a master.<br />And here’s what’s most at stake:<br />Did we get a man who’s good or bad?<br />(tr. Rachel Kitzinger, 2016; ''The Greek Plays: Sixteen Plays by Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides'' (Modern Library, 2016))--> * Ὡς τρὶς ἂν παρ᾿ ἀσπίδα <br> στῆναι θέλοιμ᾿ ἂν μᾶλλον ἢ τεκεῖν ἅπαξ. ** I would gladly take my stand in battle array three times o'er, than once give birth. *** ll. 250–51, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Κρεῖσσον δέ μοι νῦν πρός σ᾽ ἀπεχθέσθαι, γύναι, <br> ἢ μαλθακισθένθ᾽ ὕστερον μεταστένειν. ** 'Tis better for me to incur thy hatred now, lady, than to soften my heart and bitterly repent it hereafter. ** ll. 290–91, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ γὰρ ὀξύθυμος, ὡς δ᾽ αὔτως ἀνήρ, <br> ῥᾴων φυλάσσειν ἢ σιωπηλὸς σοφή. ** For cunning woman, and man likewise, is easier to guard against when quick-tempered than when taciturn. *** ll. 319–20, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Φεῦ φεῦ, βροτοῖς ἔρωτες ὡς κακὸν μέγα. ** Ah me! ah me! to mortal man how dread a scourge is love! *** l. 330, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πρὸς δὲ καὶ πεφύκαμεν<br />γυναῖκες, ἐς μὲν ἔσθλ᾽ ἀμηχανώταται,<br />κακῶν δὲ πάντων τέκτονες σοφώταται. ** We are women, unable to perform noble deeds, but most skilful architects of every sort of harm. *** l. 407, Medea (tr. Kovacs)<!--tr. David Kovacs, ''Perseus Digital Library'': "We are women, unable to perform great deeds of valor, but most skilful architects of every evil."--> * Ἄνω ποταμῶν ἱερῶν χώρονσι παγαί. ** The fountains of sacred rivers flow upwards. *** l. 410<!--409-->, Chorus (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 468-->)<!--Also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922) p. 675 (''i.e.'' everything is turned topsy turvy).--> * Δεινή τις ὀργὴ καὶ δυσίατος πέλει, <br> ὅταν φίλοι φίλοισι συμβάλωσ᾽ ἔριν. ** There is a something terrible and past all cure, when quarrels arise 'twixt those who are near and dear. *** ll. 520–21, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Χρῆν τἄρ᾽ ἄλλοθέν ποθεν βροτοὺς <br> παῖδας τεκνοῦσθαι, θῆλυ δ᾽ οὐκ εἶναι γένος: <br> χοὔτως ἂν οὐκ ἦν οὐδὲν ἀνθρώποις κακόν. ** Men should have begotten children from some other source, no female race existing; thus would no evil ever have fallen on mankind. *** ll. 573–76 (tr. Coleridge) * Ἐμοὶ γὰρ ὅστις ἄδικος ὢν σοφὸς λέγειν <br> πέφυκε, πλείστην ζημίαν ὀφλισκάνει. ** To me a wicked man who is also eloquent seems the most guilty of them all. *** ll. 580–81, Medea (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1963) * Κακοῦ γὰρ ἀνδρὸς δῶρ᾽ ὄνησιν οὐκ ἔχει. ** The gifts of a bad man bring no good with them. *** l. 618, Medea (tr. [[w:Morris H. Morgan|Morris H. Morgan]]<!--''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892; 13th ed. 1937-->)<!--Other translations: (1) ''The Hecuba, Orestes, Phœnician Virgins, and Medea, of Euripides; Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (Oxford: for D. A. Talboys, 1820), p. 214: "For the gifts of a bad man bring no assistance." (2) T. W. C. Edwards, ''The Medea, Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (London: Simpkin, Marshall, and Co., 1840: "For the gifts of a bad man have no avail."--> * Ἔρωτες ὑπὲρ μὲν ἄγαν ἐλθόντες οὐκ εὐδοξίαν <br /> οὐδ᾽ ἀρετὰν παρέδωκαν ἀνδράσιν. ** When love is in excess it brings a man nor honor nor any worthiness. *** ll. 627–28, Chorus (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) * Στέργοι δέ με σωφροσύνα, δώρημα κάλλιστον θεῶν. ** Moderation, the noblest gift of Heaven. *** l. 636, Chorus (tr. [[Georgiana Chatterton#Translations|Georgiana Chatterton]], 1863)<!--''The Heiress and Her Lovers'' (London: Richard Bentley, 1863), vol. 2 (front matter); cited in ''Bartlett's'', 1892--> * Ὦ πατρίς, ὦ δώματα, μὴ <br> δῆτ᾽ ἄπολις γενοίμαν <br> τὸν ἀμηχανίας ἔχουσα <br> δυσπέρατον αἰῶ, <br> οἰκτρότατόν <γ᾽> ἀχέων. ** O my country, O my own dear home! God grant I may never be an outcast from my city, leading that cruel helpless life, whose every day is misery. *** ll. 645–49, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Μό- <br /> χθων δ᾽ οὐκ ἄλλος ὕπερθεν ἢ <br /> γᾶς πατρίας στέρεσθαι. ** Of troubles none is greater than to be robbed of one’s native land. *** l. 651<!--653-->, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) **: For nothing is like the sorrow or supersedes the sadness of losing your native land. (tr. [[w:Paul Roche|Paul Roche]], 1974) * Οὐ γὰρ γελᾶσθαι τλητὸν ἐξ ἐχθρῶν. ** I cannot endure the taunts of enemies. *** l. 797, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ δὲ θῆλυ κἀπὶ δακρύοις ἔφυ. ** Woman is a weak creature, ever given to tears. *** l. 934, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πείθειν δῶρα καὶ θεοὺς λόγος. ** It is said that gifts persuade even the gods. *** l. 964, Medea (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--W. Gurney Benham, ''A Book of Quotations'' (1907), p. 470-->)<!--also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922), p. 311--> * Χρυσὸς δὲ κρείσσων μυρίων λόγων βροτοῖς. ** O'er men's minds gold holds more potent sway than countless words. *** l. 965, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Καὶ μανθάνω μὲν οἷα τολμήσω κακά, <br /> θυμὸς δὲ κρείσσων τῶν ἐμῶν βουλευμάτων, <br> ὅσπερ μεγίστων αἴτιος κακῶν βροτοῖς. ** I know, indeed, the evil of that I purpose; but my inclination gets the better of my judgment. *** ll. 1078–80, Medea (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--At last I understand the awful deed I am to do; but passion, that cause of direst woes to mortal man, hath triumphed o'er my sober thoughts. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * θνητῶν γὰρ οὐδείς ἐστιν εὐδαίμων ἀνήρ. ** Amongst mortals no man is happy. *** l. 1228, Messenger (tr. Coleridge) * Χαλεπὰ γὰρ βροτοῖς ὁμογενῆ μιά-<br>σματ᾽, ἕπεται δ᾽ ἅμ᾽ αὐτοφόνταις ξυνῳ-<br>δὰ θεόθεν πίτνοντ᾽ ἐπὶ δόμοις ἄχη. ** Grievous for mortals is the stain of kindred blood. For the murderers are dogged by woes harmonious with their deeds, sent by the gods upon their houses. *** ll. 1268–70, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) * Τῶν δ᾽ ἀδοκήτων πόρον ηὗρε θεός. ** For the unlooked-for god finds out a way. *** l. 1418, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) === ''[[w:Hippolytus (play)|Hippolytus]]'' (428 BC) === [[File:Archaeologische Hermeneutik; Anleitung zur Deutung klassischer Bildwerke (1919) (14758094276).jpg|thumb|Αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser.]] * Τίς δ᾽ οὐ σεμνὸς ἀχθεινὸς βροτῶν. ** Reserve in man is ever galling. *** l. 94, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Πᾶς δ᾽ ὀδυνηρὸς βίος ἀνθρώπων <br> κοὐκ ἔστι πόνων ἀνάπαυσις. ** Man's whole life is full of anguish; no respite from his woes he finds. *** ll. 189–90, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Μοχθεῖν δὲ βροτοῖσιν ἀνάγκη. ** Suffering for mortals is nature's iron law. *** l. 207, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Τὸ γὰρ ὀρθοῦσθαι γνώμην ὀδυνᾷ, <br> τὸ δὲ μαινόμενον κακόν: ἀλλὰ κρατεῖ <br> μὴ γιγνώσκοντ᾽ ἀπολέσθαι. ** Tis painful coming to one's senses again, and madness, evil though it be, has this advantage, that one has no knowledge of reason's overthrow. *** ll. 247–49, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Χρῆν γὰρ μετρίας εἰς ἀλλήλους <br> φιλίας θνητοὺς ἀνακίρνασθαι <br> καὶ μὴ πρὸς ἄκρον μυελὸν ψυχῆς. ** Mortal men should pledge themselves to moderate friendships only, not to such as reach the very heart's core. *** ll. 253–55, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὕτω τὸ λίαν ἧσσον ἐπαινῶ <br> τοῦ μηδὲν ἄγαν. ** I do not praise excess so much as moderation. *** ll. 264–65, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὅταν γὰρ αἰσχρὰ τοῖσιν ἐσθλοῖσιν δοκῇ, <br> ἦ κάρτα δόξει τοῖς κακοῖς γ᾽ εἶναι καλά. ** For when the noble countenance disgrace, poor folk of course will think that it is right. *** ll. 411–12, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--For, when the noble count their shame their good, / The lowly sure will hold it honourable. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * Μισῶ δὲ καὶ τὰς σώφρονας μὲν ἐν λόγοις, <br> λάθρᾳ δὲ τόλμας οὐ καλὰς κεκτημένας. ** Those too I hate who make profession of purity, though in secret reckless sinners. *** ll. 413–14, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--And O, I hate the continent-professed / Which treasure secret recklessness of shame. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * Mόνον δὲ τοῦτό φασ᾽ ἁμιλλᾶσθαι βίῳ, <br> γνώμην δικαίαν κἀγαθήν ὅτῳ παρῇ<!--τύχῃ-->. ** One thing only, they say, competes in value with life, the possession of a heart blameless and good. *** ll. 426-27, Phaedra (tr. David Kovacs, 1995)<!--Unsourced translation: "There is one thing alone that stands the brunt of life throughout its course: a quiet conscience."--> * Τὸ σῶφρον ὡς ἁπανταχοῦ καλὸν <br> καὶ δόξαν ἐσθλὴν ἐν βροτοῖς καρπίζεται. ** How fair is chastity however viewed, whose fruit is good repute amongst men. *** ll. 431–32, Chorus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Κἀν βροτοῖς <br> αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. ** In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best. *** l. 436<!--438-->, Nurse (tr. [[w:David Grene|David Grene]], 1942<!--''Three Greek Tragedies in Translation'' (University of Chicago Press, 1942), p. 188-->) **: Among mortals second thoughts are the wisest. (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides (Henry G. Bohn, 1850), 2 vols.-->) <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser. (''Bartlett's'', 1892) <br> Among mortals second thoughts are wisest. (''Hoyt's'', 1882<!--p. 419-->)<!--Also in Maturin M. Ballou (ed.) ''Pearls of Thought'' (1881) p. 277--> * Ἐν σοφοῖσι γὰρ <br> τάδ᾽ ἐστὶ θνητῶν, λανθάνειν τὰ μὴ καλά. ** 'Tis part of human wisdom to conceal the deed of shame. *** ll. 465–66, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Εἰσὶν δ᾽ ἐπῳδαὶ καὶ λόγοι θελκτήριοι. ** For there are charms and spells to soothe the soul. *** l. 478, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὀνάσθαι, μὴ μαθεῖν, βούλου, τέκνον. ** Be content with help, not knowledge. *** l. 517, Nurse (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)<!--Be content, my child, to profit by it and ask no questions. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * Τοι κάλ᾽ ἐν πολλοῖσι κάλλιον λέγειν. ** A virtuous tale grows fairer told to many. *** l. 610. Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ἡ γλῶσσ᾽ ὀμώμοχ᾽, ἡ δὲ φρὴν ἀνώμοτος. ** 'Twas but my tongue, 'twas not my soul that swore. *** l. 612, Hippolytus (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1902) **: My tongue an oath did take, but not my heart. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged. (tr. David Grene, 1942) * Ἁμαρτεῖν εἰκὸς ἀνθρώπους, τέκνον. ** To err is only human, child. *** l. 615, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Πρὸς τὰς τύχας γὰρ τὰς φρένας κεκτήμεθα. ** '''The credit we get for wisdom is measured by our success.''' *** l. 701, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Δεινὸν σοφιστὴν εἶπας, ὅστις εὖ φρονεῖν <br> τοὺς μὴ φρονοῦντας δυνατός ἐστ᾽ ἀναγκάσαι. ** A very master in his craft the man, who can force fools to be wise! *** ll. 921–22, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) === ''[[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]]'' (408 BC) === [[File:Orestes Pursued by the Furies by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1862) - Google Art Project.jpg |thumb|right|''The Remorse of Orestes'' by William-Adolphe Bouguereau]] * Ὅταν δὲ σὺ στένῃς, <br> ἡμᾶς παρόντας χρή σε νουθετεῖν φίλα· <br> ἐπικουρίαι γὰρ αἵδε τοῖς φίλοις καλαί. ** '''Love is all we have, the only way <br> that each can help the other.''' *** l. 298 (tr. [[w:William Arrowsmith|William Arrowsmith]], 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958)-->)<!--"I must be at thy side and give thee words of comfort; for to he lp our friends H ke this is a gracious task." (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * — Δεινὸν οἱ πολλοί, κακούργους ὅταν ἔχωσι προστάτας. <br> — Ἀλλ᾽ ὅταν χρηστοὺς λάβωσι, χρηστὰ βουλεύουσ᾽ ἀεί. ** {{smallcaps|Orestes}}: A terrible thing is the mob, when it has villains to lead it. <br> {{smallcaps|Pylades}}: Aye, but with honest leaders its counsels are honest. *** ll. 772-73 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Ὅταν γὰρ ἡδὺς τοῖς λόγοις, φρονῶν κακῶς <br> πείθῃ τὸ πλῆθος, τῇ πόλει κακὸν μέγα. ** When one with honeyed words but evil mind<br> Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state. *** l. 907 (''Harbottle's'', 1897<!--p. 447-->) === ''[[w:The Phoenician Women|Phoenissae]]'' (c. 409 BC) === * Ἓν μὲν μέγιστον, οὐκ ἔχει παρρησίαν. ** But this is slavery, not to speak one’s thought. ** Line 392, Jocasta (tr. Elizabeth Wyckoff, 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958) p. 472-->) **: Who dares not speak his free thoughts is a slave. (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|R. Potter]], 1823<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (Oxford: W. Baxter, 1823), 2 vols.-->) * Ἁπλοῦς ὁ μῦθος τῆς ἀληθείας ἔφυ, <br> κοὐ ποικίλων δεῖ τἄνδιχ᾽ ἑρμηνευμάτων ** The words of truth are simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it hath a fitness in itself. ** Lines 469–470, Polyneices (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891<!--Revised by George Panagiotou: "The words of truth are naturally simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it has a fitness in itself."-->) === ''[[w:The Bacchae|Bacchae]]'' (405 BC) === [[File:Euripides altes Museum.jpg|thumb|right|Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.]] * But cleverness is not wisdom, nor is the thinking on things unfit for mortals. ** Line 395 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced: "Cleverness is not wisdom. And not to think mortal thoughts is to see few days."--> * '''Dionysus''': He who believes needs no explanation.<br /> '''Pentheus''': What's the worth in believing worthless things? <br />'''Dionysus''': Much worth, but not worth telling you, it seems. ** Line 472 (tr. [[w:Colin Teevan|Colin Teevan]], 2002) * '''Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.''' ** Lines 479-480 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) **: To the fool, he who speaks wisdom will sound foolish. (''Bartlett's'', 13th ed. 1955) **: He were a fool, methinks, who would utter wisdom to a fool. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Wise words being brought to blinded eyes will seem as things of nought. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1902) * '''Slow but sure moves the might of the gods.''' ** Line 882 (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) **: Slowly but surely withal moveth the might of the gods. (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) * χρηστοῖσι δούλοις συμφορὰ τὰ δεσποτῶν. ** The misfortunes of their masters are a concern to good servants. ** Line 1028 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced translation: "Good slaves [are affected by] the adversities of their masters."--> note: the original sentence does not contain any verb * '''Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.''' ** Line 1150 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) === Fragments === :<small>Greek text cited from R. Kannicht, ''Tragicorum Graecorum Fragmenta, vol. 5 Euripides'' (Göttingen, 2004).</small> ;''Aegeus'' * κρεῖσσον δὲ πλούτου καὶ βαθυσπόρου χθονός <br> ἀνδρῶν δικαίων κἀγαθῶν ὁμιλίαι. * The company of just and righteous men is better than wealth and a rich estate. ** Frg. 7 (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) ;''Aeolus'' * κακὸν γυναῖκα πρὸς νέαν ζεῦξαι νέον· <br> μακρὰ γὰρ ἰσχὺς μᾶλλον ἀρσένων μένει, <br> θήλεια δ᾿ ἥβη θᾶσσον ἐκλείπει δέμας. ** To mate a youth with a young wife is ill; <br> Seeing a man's strength lasteth, while the bloom <br> Of beauty quickly leaves a woman's form. ** Frg. 24 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879<!--''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 289 note-->) * φεῦ φεῦ, παλαιὸς αἶνος ὡς καλῶς ἔχει· <br> γέροντες οὐδέν ἐσμεν ἄλλο πλὴν ὄχλος <br> καὶ σμῆμ᾿, ὀνείρων δ᾿ ἕρπομεν μιμήματα· <br> νοῦς δ᾿ οὐκ ἔνεστιν, οἰόμε⟨σ⟩θα δ᾿ εὖ φρονεῖν. ** Alas, how right the ancient saying is: <br> We, who are old, are nothing else but noise <br> And shape. Like mimicries of dreams we go, <br> And have no wits, although we think us wise. ** Frg. 25 (tr. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--''Oxford Book of Greek Verse in Translation'' (1938) no. 389-->) * κακῆς ἀπ᾿ ἀρχῆς γίγνεται τέλος κακόν. ** A bad beginning makes a bad ending. ** Frg. 32 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὁ χρόνος ἅπαντα τοῖσιν ὕστερον φράσει, <br> †ἄλλος ἐστὶν οὗτος, οὐκ ἐρωτῶσιν λέγει. ** Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. ** Frg. 38a (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alexander'' * παλαιὰ καινοῖς δακρύοις οὐ χρὴ στένειν. ** Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. ** Frg. 46.5 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alcmene'' * ἀλλ᾿ εὖ φέρειν χρὴ συμφορὰς τὸν εὐγενῆ. ** The nobly born must nobly meet his fate. ** Frg. 98 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--''Noblesse oblige''. — Bohn: ''Foreign Proverbs''--> ;''Alope'' * γυνὴ γυναικὶ σύμμαχος πέφυκέ πως. ** Woman is woman's natural ally. ** Frg. 108 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Andromeda'' * ἀλλ᾿ ἡδύ τοι σωθέντα μεμνῆσθαι πόνων. ** Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety. ** Frg. 133 (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 472-->) * ὅσοι γὰρ εἰς ἔρωτα πίπτουσιν βροτῶν, <br> ἐσθλῶν ὅταν τύχωσι τῶν ἐρωμένων, <br> οὐκ ἔσθ᾿ ὁποίας λείπεται τόδ᾿ ἡδονῆς. ** When it befalls poor mortal men to love, <br> Should they find worthy objects for their loving, <br> Then is there nothing left of joy to long for. ** Frg. 138 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879) ;''Antiope'' * κέρδος δ᾿ ἐν κακοῖς ἀγνωσία. ** Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. ** Frg. 205.3 (''Bartlett's'', 1892); cf. [[William Davenant|Davenant]] * φῆσίν τις εἶναι δῆτ᾿ ἐν οὐρανῷ θεούς; <br> οὐκ εἰσίν, οὐκ εἴσ᾿, εἴ τις ἀνθρώπων θέλει <br> μὴ τῷ παλαιῷ μῶρος ὢν χρῆσθαι λόγῳ. <br> σκέψασθε δ᾿ αὐτοί, μὴ ᾿πὶ τοῖς ἐμοῖς λόγοις <br> γνώμην ἔχοντες. φῆμ᾿ ἐγὼ τυραννίδα <br> κτείνειν τε πλείστους κτημάτων τ᾿ ἀποστερεῖν <br> ὅρκους τε παραβαίνοντας ἐκπορθεῖν πόλεις· <br> καὶ ταῦτα δρῶντες μᾶλλόν εἰσ᾿ εὐδαίμονες <br> τῶν εὐσεβούντων ἡσυχῇ καθ᾿ ἡμέραν. <br> πόλεις τε μικρὰς οἶδα τιμώσας θεούς, <br> αἳ μειζόνων κλύουσι δυσσεβεστέρων <br> λόγχης ἀριθμῷ πλείονος κρατούμεναι. <br> οἶμαι δ᾿ ἂν ὑμᾶς, εἴ τις ἀργὸς ὢν θεοῖς <br> εὔχοιτο καὶ μὴ χειρὶ συλλέγοι βίον <br> ⟨μαθεῖν ἄν, ὡς οὔκ εἰσιν. αἱ δ᾿ εὐπραξίαι⟩ <br> τὰ θεῖα πυργοῦσ᾿ αἱ κακαί τε συμφοραί. ** Doth some one say that there be gods above? <br/>There are not; no, there are not. Let no fool, <br/>Led by the old false fable, thus deceive you. <br/>Look at the facts themselves, yielding my words <br/>No undue credence: for I say that kings <br/>Kill, rob, break oaths, lay cities waste by fraud, <br/>And doing thus are happier than those <br/>Who live calm pious lives day after day. <br> How many little States that serve the gods <br> Are subject to the godless but more strong, <br> Made slaves by might of a superior army! <br> And you, if any ceased from work and prayed <br> To gods, nor gathered in his livelihood, <br> Would learn gods are not. All Divinity <br> Is built up from our good and evil luck. ** Frg. 286 (tr. [[John Addington Symonds|J. A. Symonds]], 1879; rev. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--First 11 lines by Symonds, ''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 294; completed by Bowra, ''OBGVT'' (1938) no. 391. Greek: ''TGF'', p. 445, no. 286-->) ** Penultimate line missing in the original; conjectural supplement by Herwerden included here. [[File:Ватикан. Еврипид (Euripide) с актерской маской (ант.статуя) ~1859г 2640.jpg|thumb|right|Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account.]] ;[[w:Bellerophon (play)|''Bellerophon'']] * τοῖς πράγμασιν γὰρ οὐχὶ θυμοῦσθαι χρεών· <br> μέλει γὰρ αὐτοῖς οὐδέν· ἀλλ᾿ οὑντυγχάνων <br> τὰ πράγματ᾿ ὀρθῶς ἢν τιθῇ, πράσσει καλῶς. ** Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account. ** Frg. 287 (tr. [[w:Arthur Richard Shilleto|A. R. Shilleto]], 1888)<!--''Plutarch's Morals: Ethical Essays'' (1888) p. 293--> ;''Hippolytus Veiled'' * αὐτός τι νῦν δρῶν εἶτα δαίμονας κάλει· <br> τῷ γὰρ πονοῦντι καὶ θεὸς ξυλλαμβάνει. ** Try first thyself, and after call in God; <br> For to the worker God himself lends aid. ** Frg. 432 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Licymnius'' * πόνος γάρ, ὡς λέγουσιν, εὐκλείας πατήρ. ** Toil, says the proverb, is the sire of fame. ** Frg. 474 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) [[File:Seated Euripides Louvre Ma343.jpg|thumb|right|When good men die their goodness does not perish, but lives though they are gone. As for the bad, all that was theirs dies and is buried with them.]] ;''Meleager'' * δειλοὶ γὰρ ἄνδρες οὐκ ἔχουσιν ἐν μάχῃ <br> ἀριθμόν, ἀλλ᾿ ἄπεισι κἂν παρῶσ᾿ ὁμοίως. ** Cowards do not count in battle; they are there, but not in it. ** Frg. 519 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ἔνδον μένουσαν τὴν γυναῖκ᾿ εἶναι χρεών <br> ἐσθλήν, θύρασι δ᾿ ἀξίαν τοῦ μηδενός. ** A woman should be good for everything at home, but abroad good for nothing. ** Frg. 521 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Oedipus'' * οὔτοι νόμισμα λευκὸς ἄργυρος μόνον <br> καὶ χρυσός ἐστιν, ἀλλὰ κἀρετὴ βροτοῖς <br> νόμισμα κεῖται πᾶσιν, ᾗ χρῆσθαι χρεών. ** Silver and gold are not the only coin; virtue too passes current all over the world. ** Frg. 542 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Protesilaus'' * δυοῖν λεγόντοιν, θατέρου θυμουμένου, <br> ὁ μὴ ἀντιτείνων τοῖς λόγοις σοφώτερος. ** Where two discourse, if the one's anger rise, <br> The man who lets the contest fall is wise. ** Frg. 654 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/bim_early-english-books-1641-1700_plutarchs-morals-_plutarch_1684/page/n65/mode/2up Anonymous, 1684]) ;''Temenidae'' * ἀρετὴ δὲ κἂν θάνῃ τις οὐκ ἀπόλλυται, <br> ζῇ δ᾿ οὐκέτ᾿ ὄντος σώματος· κακοῖσι δέ <br> ἅπαντα φροῦδα συνθανόνθ᾿ ὑπὸ χθονός. ** When good men die their goodness does not perish, <br> But lives though they are gone. As for the bad, <br> All that was theirs dies and is buried with them. ** Frg. 734 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Phoenix'' * τοιοῦτός ἐστιν οἷσπερ ἥδεται ξυνών. ** He is like the very men whose company he enjoys. ** Frg. 812.9 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.417.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009]) *** Paraphrased in ''Bartlett's'', 1892: *** Every man is like the company he is wont to keep. * ὦ φιλόζωοι βροτοί, <br> οἳ τὴν ἐπιστείχουσαν ἡμέραν ἰδεῖν <br> ποθεῖτ᾿ ἔχοντες μυρίων ἄχθος κακῶν. <br> οὕτως ἔρως βροτοῖσιν ἔγκειται βίου. ** O ye life-loving mortals,<br/>Who ever long to see the coming day,<br/>Though ye be weighed down with a thousand sorrows!<br/>So strong the yearning of mankind for life. ** Frg. 816.6–9 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/538/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ;''Phrixus'' * τίς δ᾿ οἶδεν εἰ ζῆν τοῦθ᾿ ὃ κέκληται θανεῖν, <br> τὸ ζῆν δὲ θνῄσκειν ἐστί; ** Who knows but life be that which men call death, <br> And death what men call life? ** Frg. 833 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) *** Alternative translation (J. A. Symonds, 1879): *** Who knows if that be life which we call death,<br>And life be dying? ;Fragments of uncertain placement * ἡ γὰρ σιωπὴ τοῖς σοφοῖσ⟨ιν⟩ ἀπόκρισις. ** Silence is an answer in the eyes of the wise. ** Frg. 977 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.561.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009])<!--cf. [[Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau#Attributed|Mirabeau]]--> *** Alternative translation (R. B. Appleton, 1927)<!--''Euripides the Idealist'' (London: J. M. Dent, 1927), p. 194--> *** For silence is true wisdom's best reply. * τὰ τῶν τεκόντων σφάλματ᾿ εἰς τοὺς ἐκγόνους <br> οἱ θεοὶ τρέπουσιν. ** The gods visit the sins of the fathers upon the children. ** Frg. 980 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὅστις νέος ὢν Μουσῶν ἀμελεῖ, <br> τόν τε παρελθόντ᾿ ἀπόλωλε χρόνον <br> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; καὶ τὸν μέλλοντα τέθνηκε. ** Whoso neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future. ** Frg. 1028 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * τοῖσιν εὖ φρονοῦσι συμμαχεῖ τύχη. ** Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement. ** {{w|Critias}}, frg. 10.3 TrGF = Euripides, frg. 598 N.<sup>2</sup> (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 781 note-->) ** Circulated as Euripides' in antiquity, but attributed to Critias by mulitple ancient critics. * Σοφὸς ἦν τις, ὃς τὸ θεῖον εἰσηγήσατο. ** '''I maintain, <br> Some shrewd man first, a man in counsel wise,<br>Discovered unto men the fear of Gods,<br>Thereby to frighten sinners should they sin <br>E'en secretly in deed, or word, or thought.''' ** [[w:Sisyphus fragment|Sisyphus fragment]], in [[Sextus Empiricus]], ''Against the Physicists'', bk. 1 sec. 54 (tr. R. G. Bury, [[w:Loeb Classical Library|L311]])<!--Revised by J. Garrett: "I think, / Some shrewd man first, a man in judgment wise, / Found for mortals the fear of gods, / Thereby to frighten the wicked should they / Even act or speak or scheme in secret."--> **: He was a wise man who originated the idea of God. (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 478-->) * Most cunning doctrine did he introduce,<br>The truth concealing under speech untrue.<br>The place he spoke of as the God's abode<br>Was that whereby he could affright men most,—<br>The place from which, he knew, both terrors came<br>And easements unto men of toilsome life—<br>To wit the vault above, wherein do dwell<br>The lightnings, he beheld, and awesome claps<br>Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven,<br>Fair-spangled by that cunning craftsman Time,—<br>Whence, too, the meteor's glowing mass doth speed<br>And liquid rain descends upon the earth. ** Sisyphus fragment (tr. R. G. Bury, L311)<!--Revised by J. Garrett: The sweetest teaching did he introduce, / Concealing truth under untrue speech. / The place he spoke of as the gods' abode<br>Was that by which he might awe humans most, — / The place from which, he knew, terrors came to mortals / And things advantageous in their wearisome life — / The revolving heaven above, in which dwell / The lightnings, and awesome claps / Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven, / Beautiful and intricate by that wise craftsman Time, — / From which, too, the meteor's glowing mass speeds / And wet thunderstorm pours forth upon the earth.--> * I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. ** Supposedly in ''The Suppliants'' [https://archive.org/search?query=%22shall+find+scholars+later+to+demonstrate%22&sin=TXT&sort=date] ** Also attributed to [[Frederick the Great]] of Prussia {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ἄριστον ἀνδρὶ κτῆμα συμπαθὴς γυνή. ** Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife. ** Hippothoon, frg. 3a TrGF; misattributed to Euripides due to a confusion in Stobaeus, ''Anthology'', IV.22.13–14 ([https://archive.org/details/tragicorum-graecorum-fragmenta-volume-5-euripides/page/266/mode/2up R. Kannicht, 2004:266]). * Account no man happy till he dies. ** [[Sophocles]], ''Oedipus Rex'' l. 1529 ** Cf. [[Herodotus]], bk. 1 ch. 32: But refrain from calling him fortunate before he dies; call him lucky. (tr. A. D. Godley, 1920) * Circumstances rule men and not men circumstances. ** [[Herodotus]], Book 7, Ch. 49; Misattributed to Euripides in "The Imperial Four" by Professor Creasy in ''Bentley's Miscellany'' Vol. 33 (January 1853), p. 22 ** Variant translation: Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. * Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad. ** Anonymous ancient proverb, wrongly attributed to Euripides. The version here is quoted as a "heathen proverb" in ''Daniel, a Model for Young Men'' (1854) by William Anderson Scott. The origin of the misattribution to Euripides is unknown. Several variants are quoted in ancient texts, as follows. ** Variants and derived paraphrases: *** For cunningly of old <br>was the celebrated saying revealed: <br>evil sometimes seems good <br>to a man whose mind <br>a god leads to destruction. **** Sophocles, ''Antigone'' 620-3, a play pre-dating any of Euripides' surviving plays. An ancient commentary explains the passage as a paraphrase of the following, from another, earlier poet. *** When a god plans harm against a man, <br> he first damages the mind of the man he is plotting against. **** Quoted in the ''scholia vetera'' to Sophocles' ''Antigone'' 620ff., without attribution. The meter (iambic trimeter) suggests that the source of the quotation is a tragic play. *** For whenever the anger of divine spirits harms someone, <br>it first does this: it steals away his mind <br>and good sense, and turns his thought to foolishness,''' <br>so that he should know nothing of his mistakes. **** Attributed to "some of the old poets" by [[w:Lycurgus of Athens|Lycurgus of Athens]] in his ''Oratio In Leocratem'' [''Oration Against Leocrates''], section 92. Again, the meter suggests that the source is a tragic play. These lines are misattributed to the much earlier semi-mythical statesman [[w:Lycurgus of Sparta|Lycurgus of Sparta]] in a footnote of recent editions of ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' and other works. *** The gods do nothing until they have blinded the minds of the wicked. **** Variant in ''''Dictionary of Quotations (Classical)'' (1906), compiled by Thomas Benfield Harbottle, p. 433. *** Whom Fortune wishes to destroy she first makes mad.''' **** [[Publilius Syrus]], Maxim 911 *** The devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind. **** As quoted by [[w:Athenagoras of Athens|Athenagoras of Athens]] in ''Legatio Pro Christianis''. *** ''quem Iuppiter vult perdere, dementat prius.'' **** "Whom Jupiter wishes to destroy, he first sends mad"; neo-Latin version. Similar wording is found in [[w:James Duport|James Duport]]'s ''Homeri Gnomologia'' (1660), p. 234. "A maxim of obscure origin which may have been invented in Cambridge about 1640" -- Taylor, ''The Proverb'' (1931). Probably a variant of the line "He whom the gods love dies young", derived from [[Menander]]'s play ''The Double Deceiver'' via [[Plautus]] (''Bacchides'' 816-7). *** ''quem'' (or ''quos'') ''Deus perdere vult, dementat prius.'' **** Whom God wishes to destroy, he first sends mad. *** '''Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.''' **** This variant is spoken by [[w:Prometheus|Prometheus]], in ''The Masque of Pandora'' (1875) by [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] *** Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. **** As quoted in ''George Fox Interpreted: The Religion, Revelations, Motives and Mission of George Fox'' (1881) by Thomas Ellwood Longshore, p. 154 *** Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad. **** As quoted in ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' 16th edition (1992) *** Nor do the gods appear in warrior's armour clad <br> To strike them down with sword and spear <br> Those whom they would destroy <br> They first make mad. **** Bhartṛhari, 7th c. AD; as quoted in John Brough, ''Poems from the Sanskrit'', (1968), p, 67 *** ''vināśakāle viparītabuddhiḥ'' **** Sanskrit Saying (also in ''Jatak katha''): "When a man is to be destroyed, his intelligence becomes self-destructive." ** Modern derivatives: The proverb's meaning is changed in many English versions from the 20th and 21st centuries that start with the proverb's first half (through "they") and then end with a phrase that replaces "first make mad" or "make mad." Such versions can be found at Internet search engines by using either of the two keyword phrases that are on Page 2 and Page 4 of the webpage "[http://www.bu.edu/av/celop2/not_ESL/pick_any_wrong_card.pdf Pick any Wrong Card]." The rest of that webpage is frameworks that induce a reader to compose new variations on this proverb. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Euripides == * Σοφοκλῆς ἔφη αὐτὸς μὲν οἵους δεῖ ποιεῖν, Εὐριπίδην δὲ οἷοι εἰσίν. ** [[Sophocles]] said that he drew men as they ought to be; Euripides, as they are. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Poetics'', ch. 25; 1460b33–34 (tr. S. H. Butcher) * I could not bear Euripides at college. I now read my recantation. He has faults undoubtedly. But what a poet! The [[w:Medea (play)|Medea]], the [[w:Alcestis (play)|Alcestis]], the [[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]], the [[w:The Bacchae|Bacchæ]], are alone sufficient to place him in the very first rank. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to Thomas Flower Ellis (8 February 1835), quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 431 * The [[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]] is one of the very finest plays in the Greek language. Among those of Euripides, I should place it next to the Medea and the Bacchæ. It has some very real faults; but it possesses that strong human interest which neither [[Aeschylus|Æschylus]] nor [[Sophocles]],—poets in many respects far superior to Euripides,—ever gave to their dramas. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 474 * The Bacchæ is a most glorious play. I doubt whether it be not superior to the Medea. It is often very obscure; and I am not sure that I fully understand its general scope. But, as a piece of language, it is hardly equalled in the world. And, whether it was intended to encourage or to discourage fanaticism, the picture of fanatical excitement which it exhibits has never been rivalled. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), pp. 474-475 * ''Sed longe clarius inlustraverunt hoc opus Sophocles atque Euripides, quorum in dispari dicendi via uter sit poeta melior inter plurimos quaeritur. Idque ego sane, quoniam ad praesentem materiam nihil pertinet, iniudicatum relinquo. Illud quidem nemo non fateatur necesse est, iis qui se ad agendum comparant utiliorem longe fore Euripiden. Namque is et sermone'' [. . .] ''magis accedit oratorio generi, et sententiis densus, et in iis quae a sapientibus tradita sunt paene ipsis par, et in dicendo ac respondendo cuilibet eorum qui fuerunt in foro diserti comparandus, in adfectibus vero cum omnibus mirus, tum in iis qui miseratione constant facile praecipuus.'' ** But far more distinction was brought to this genre (sc. tragedy) by Sophocles and Euripides. Their styles are very different, and there is much dispute as to which is the better poet. I leave this question unresolved, because it has nothing to do with my present subject. What everybody must admit is that Euripides will be much the more useful to persons preparing themselves to plead in court. His language [. . .] is closer to the norm of oratory; he is full of striking thoughts, and almost a match for the philosophers in expressing their teaching; his technique of speech and debate is comparable to that of anyone who has been famous for eloquence in the courts; and finally he is marvellous at expressing any emotion, and far and away the supreme master of the power to arouse pity. ** [[Quintilian]], ''{{w|Institutio Oratoria}}'', X.1.67–68 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/quintilian-orators_education/2002/pb_LCL127.287.xml D. A. Russell, 2002]) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat|Euripides}} {{wikisource author|Euripides}} * {{gutenberg author| id=Euripides | name=Euripides}} * [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/eb11-euripides.html Article in ''Encyclopaedia Britannica'' (11th edition) at Fordham University] * [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/vor?x=0&y=0&lookup=Euripides Euripides-related materials at the Perseus Digital Library] * [http://www.theatrehistory.com/ancient/euripides001.html "Euripedes and His Tragedies" at TheatreHistory.com] * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0262381/ IMDBs List of movies based on Euripides plays] * [https://www.ellopos.net/elpenor/greek-texts/ancient-greece/euripides.asp Euripides Resources] {{DEFAULTSORT:Euripides}} [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:Playwrights from Greece]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Athens]] rxurw492vuqwfwmgpw8zthnw2d5zh6o 3944800 3944506 2026-05-24T10:16:44Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 Adding original Greek, checking references and creating sections for most plays 3944800 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Euripides Pio-Clementino Inv302.jpg|thumb|right|In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side.]] '''[[w:Euripides|Euripides]]''' (Greek: Εὐριπίδης; c. [[480 BC]]–[[406 BC]]) was a [[:Category:Authors|Greek playwright]]. == Quotes == * Yet do I hold that mortal foolish who strives against the stress of necessity. ** [[w:Herakles (Euripides)|''Hercules Furens'']], l. 281 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * O lady, nobility is thine, and thy form is the reflection of thy nature! ** [[w:Ion (play)|''Ion'']]<!--"Gon."--> (''c''. 421-408 BC) l. 238 (tr. E. F. Burr, 1880)<!--''Dio, the Athenian; or, From Olympus to Calvary'' (New York: Phillips & Hunt, 1880, ch. 17 epigraph (p. 385); also in J. K. Hoyt and Anna L. Ward, ''The Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations'' (New York: I. K. Funk & Co., 1882), p. 290--> * Authority is never without hate. ** ''Ion'' (c. 421-408 BC) l. ? (tr. Ronald F. Willetts, 1958) * Thou didst bring me forth for all the Greeks in common, not for thyself alone. ** [[w:Iphigenia in Aulis|''Iphigenia in Aulis'']], l. 1386 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''A coward turns away, but a brave man's choice is danger.''' ** [[w:Iphigenia in Tauris|''Iphigenia in Tauris'']] (''c''. 412 BC) l. 114 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) * '''There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy change.''' ** ''Iphigenia in Tauris'' (''c''. 412 BC) l. 721 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''Slight not what's near through aiming at what's far.''' ** [[w:Rhesus (play)|''Rhesus'']] (''c''. 435 BC) l. 482 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''For naught is there more sweet unto an aged sire than a daughter's love.''' ** [[w:The Suppliants (Euripides)|''The Suppliants'']] (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--Unsourced: '''For nothing is there more sweet unto an aged father than a daughter'''--> * Naught is more hostile to a city than a despot; where he is, there are in the first place no laws common to all, but one man is tyrant, in whose keeping and in his alone the law resides, and in that case equality is at an end. ** ''The Suppliants'' (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * '''Helen''': What happened in my heart, to make me leave my home<br />And my own land, to follow where a stranger led?<br />Rail at the goddess; be more resolute than Zeus,<br />Who holds power over all other divinities<br />But is himself the slave of love. Show Aphrodite<br />Your indignation; me, pardon and sympathy.<br />'''Hecabe''': No; Paris was an extremely handsome man – one look,<br />And your appetite became your Aphrodite. Why,<br />Men's lawless lusts are all called love – it's a confusion<br />Easily made. ** ''[[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]]'' (c. 415 BC), ll. 946–950 and 987–990 (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1954) === [[w:Cyclops (play)|''Cyclops'']] (Undated) === * ἁγὼ οὔτινι θύω πλὴν ἐμοί, θεοῖσι δ᾿ οὔ, <br> καὶ τῇ μεγίστῃ, γαστρὶ τῇδε, δαιμόνων. ** I sacrifice to no god save myself — <br> And to my belly, greatest of deities. ** ll. 334–335 (ed. [[w:Burton Egbert Stevenson|B. E. Stevenson]], 1948<!--''The Home Book of Proverbs, Maxims and Familiar Phrases'' (New York: Macmillan Co., 1948) p. 165-->) **: To what other God but to myself <br/> And this great belly, first of deities, <br/> Should I be bound to sacrifice? <br/> (tr. [[Percy Bysshe Shelley|P. B. Shelley]], wr. 1819; pub. 1824) === ''[[w:Alcestis|Alcestis]]'' (438 BC) === [[File:Alcestis and Admetus Ancient Roman fresco (45–79 AD) from the Augusteum-Basilica, Herculaneum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. <br> We all of us are debtors unto death.]] * Οὔποτε φήσω γάμον εὐφραίνειν <br> πλέον ἢ λυπεῖν. ** Never say that marriage has more of joy than pain. ** l. 238, Chorus-Leader (tr. Dudley Fitts and Robert Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐχθρὰ γὰρ ἡ 'πιοῦσα μητρυιὰ τέκνοις <br> τοῖς πρόσθ᾽, ἐχίδνης οὐδὲν ἠπιωτέρα. ** A second wife <br> is hateful to the children of the first, <br> a viper is not more hateful. ** l. 309, Alcestis (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Εἰ δ᾽ Ὀρφέως μοι γλῶσσα καὶ μέλος παρῆν, <br> ὥστ᾽ ἢ κόρην Δήμητρος ἢ κείνης πόσιν <br> ὕμνοισι κηλήσαντά σ᾽ ἐξ Ἅιδου λαβεῖν, <br> κατῆλθον ἄν, καί μ᾽ οὔθ᾽ ὁ Πλούτωνος κύων <br> οὔθ᾽ οὑπὶ κώπῃ ψυχοπομπὸς ἂν Χάρων <br> ἔσχον, πρὶν ἐς φῶς σὸν καταστῆσαι βίον. ** '''Oh, if I had [[w:Orpheus|Orpheus]]' voice and poetry <br>with which to move the Dark Maid and her Lord, <br>I'd call you back, dear love, from the world below.''' <br>I'd go down there for you. Charôn or the grim <br>King's dog could not prevent me then <br>from carrying you up into the fields of light. ** l. 358, Admetus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) **: Had I the tongue, the tuneful yoice of Orpheus to charm Demeter's daughter or her husband by my lay and bring thee back from Hades, I had gone down, nor Pluto's hound, nor Charon, ferryman of souls, whose hand is on the oar, had held me back, till to the light I had restored thee alive. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὐ γάρ τι πρῶτος οὐδὲ λοίσθιος βροτῶν <br> γυναικὸς ἐσθλῆς ἤμπλακες: γίγνωσκε δὲ <br> ὡς πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. ** Thou art by no means the first nor yet shalt be the last of men to lose a wife of worth; know this, we all of us are debtors unto death. ** l. 416<!--415-->, Chorus-Leader (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Thou shalt not be the last, nor yet the first, <br> To lose a noble wife. Be brave, and know <br> To die is but a debt that all men owe. <br> (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1915) **: Not first of mortals thou, nor shalt be last <br> To lose a noble wife; and, be thou sure, <br> From us, from all, this debt is due — to die. <br> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: You are neither the first nor the last of mortals <br> to lose a noble wife; understand that <br> everyone is obliged to die. <br> (tr. Ruby Blondell, 1999<!--''Women On the Edge: Four Plays'' (Routledge, 1999)-->) * Κούφα σοι χθὼν ἐπάνωθε πέσοι. ** Light be the earth upon you, lightly rest. ** l. 462, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--Thus petitions the Chorus over the dead body of the heroine, untimely rapt away. Cf. [[Martial]], 9, 30, 11: ''Sit tibi terra levis'' (abbrev. ''S.T.T.L.'')—"May earth lie light upon thee." Common funeral inscription. [[Ovid]], in the same spirit, prays for the repose of [[Tibullus]], ''Amores, 3, 9, 67), ''Ossa quieta precor tuta requiescite in urna, / Et sit humus cineri non onerosa tuo.''—"Inurned in peace, may thy bones rest, I pray; / And on thy ashes earth no burden lay." —''Classical and Foreign Quotations'' (1904) no. 2578--><!--Cf. [[Beaumont and Fletcher#The Maid's Tragedy (c. 1609; published 1619|Beaumont and Fletcher]], ''[[w:The Maid's Tragedy|The Maid's Tragedy]]'' (c. 1609), act 2, sc. 2. [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], ''Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady'' (1717, '20), ll. 64–5. [[Oscar Wilde|Wilde]], ''Requiescat'' (1881)--> * Μάτην ἄρ᾽ οἱ γέροντες εὔχονται θανεῖν, <br> γῆρας ψέγοντες καὶ μακρὸν χρόνον βίου: <br> ἢν δ᾽ ἐγγὺς ἔλθῃ θάνατος, οὐδεὶς βούλεται <br> θνῄσκειν, τὸ γῆρας δ᾽ οὐκέτ᾽ ἔστ᾽ αὐτοῖς βαρύ. ** Old men's prayers for death are lying prayers, in which they abuse old age and long extent of life. But when death draws near, not one is willing to die, and age no longer is a burden to them. ** l. 669, Admetus (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * Κακῶς ἀκούειν οὐ μέλει θανόντι μοι. ** Dishonour will not trouble me, once I am dead. ** l. 726, Pheres (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--"When I am gone, I care not what men say." (tr. David Kovacs, 1994)--> * Βροτοῖς ἅπασι κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται, <br> κοὐκ ἔστι θνητῶν ὅστις ἐξεπίσταται <br> τὴν αὔριον μέλλουσαν εἰ βιώσεται: <br> τὸ τῆς τύχης γὰρ ἀφανὲς οἷ προβήσεται, <br> κἄστ᾽ οὐ διδακτὸν οὐδ᾽ ἁλίσκεται τέχνῃ. ** Death is the common debt of man; no mortal really knows if he will live to see the morrow's light; for Fortune's issues are not in our ken, beyond the teacher's rule they lie, no art can master them. ** ll. 783-6, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow." (tr. Robert and Mary Collison, 1980); ''Dictionary of Foreign Quotations'' (New York: Facts on File, 1980) p. 114--> * Τὸν καθ᾽ ἡμέραν <br> βίον λογίζου σόν, τὰ δ᾽ ἄλλα τῆς τύχης. ** Count the present day thine own, the rest to Fortune yield. ** l. 788, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Today's today. Tomorrow we may be<br>Ourselves gone down the drain of Eternity. <br> (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐγὼ καὶ διὰ μούσας <br> καὶ μετάρσιος ᾖξα, καὶ <br> πλείστων ἁψάμενος λόγων <br> κρεῖσσον οὐδὲν Ἀνάγκας. ** '''I have found power in the mysteries of thought, <br> Exaltation in the changing of the Muses; <br> I have been versed in the reasonings of men; <br> But Fate is stronger than anything I have known.''' ** ll. 962–65, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Χρόνος μαλάξει, νῦν δ᾽ ἔθ᾽ ἡβάσκει, κακόν. ** Time cancels young pain. ** l. 1085, Heracles (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) === ''[[w:Medea (play)|Medea]]'' (431 BC) === :<small><!--Greek text: David Kovacs (ed.) [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text.jsp?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0113%3Acard%3D1 online] at [[w:Perseus Digital Library|''Perseus Digital Library'']]--></small> [[File:Relief of Medea and the Peliades Antikensammlung Berlin.jpg|thumb|A herb most bruised is woman.]] * Ἥπερ μεγίστη γίγνεται σωτηρία, <br> ὅταν γυνὴ πρὸς ἄνδρα μὴ διχοστατῇ. ** The greatest safeguard this when wife and husband do agree. *** ll. 14–15, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Surely this doth bind, <br> Through all ill days, the hurts of humankind, <br> When man and woman in one music move. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1906) * Νέα γὰρ φροντὶς οὐκ ἀλγεῖν φιλεῖ. ** The soul of the young is no friend to sorrow. *** l. 48, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Παλαιὰ καινῶν λείπεται κηδευμάτων. ** Old ties give way to new. *** ll. 76, Attendant (tr. Coleridge) * Ἀπωλόμεσθ᾽ ἄρ᾽, εἰ κακὸν προσοίσομεν <br> νέον παλαιῷ, πρὶν τόδ᾽ ἐξηντληκέναι. ** Undone are we, if to old woes fresh ones we add, ere we have drained the former to the dregs. *** ll. 78–79, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Τῶν γὰρ μετρίων πρῶτα μὲν εἰπεῖν <br> τοὔνομα νικᾷ, χρῆσθαί τε μακρῷ <br> λῷστα βροτοῖσιν. ** Moderate fortune has a name that is fairest on the tongue, and in practice it is by far the most beneficial thing for mortals. *** ll. 125–27, Nurse (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) * Τὰ δ᾽ ὑπερβάλλοντ᾽ <br> οὐδένα καιρὸν δύναται θνητοῖς, <br> μείζους δ᾽ ἄτας, ὅταν ὀργισθῇ <br> δαίμων οἴκοις, ἀπέδωκεν. ** But greatness that doth o'erreach itself, brings no blessing to mortal men; but pays a penalty of greater ruin whenever fortune is wroth with a family. *** ll. 127–30, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Καίτοι τάδε μὲν κέρδος ἀκεῖσθαι <br> μολπαῖσι βροτούς. ** This were surely a gain, to heal men's wounds by music's spell. *** ll. 199–200, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Χρὴ δὲ ξένον μὲν κάρτα προσχωρεῖν πόλει. ** A stranger most of all should adopt a city's views. *** l. 222, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πάντων δ᾽ ὅσ᾽ ἔστ᾽ ἔμψυχα καὶ γνώμην ἔχει<br />γυναῖκές ἐσμεν ἀθλιώτατον φυτόν:<br />ἃς πρῶτα μὲν δεῖ χρημάτων ὑπερβολῇ<br />πόσιν πρίασθαι, δεσπότην τε σώματος [...]<br />κἀν τῷδ᾽ ἀγὼν μέγιστος, ἢ κακὸν λαβεῖν<br />ἢ χρηστόν. ** Of all things that have life and sense we women are the most hapless creatures; first must we buy a husband at an exorbitant price, and o'er ourselves a tyrant set which is an evil worse than the first; and herein lies the most important issue, whether bur choice be good or bad. *** ll. 230–33, 235–36, Medea (tr. Coleridge) **: <!--&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Oh,<br />-->Of all things upon earth that bleed and grow, <br /> A herb most bruised is woman. We must pay <br /> Our store of gold, hoarded for that one day, <br /> To buy us some man's love; and lo, they bring <br /> A master of our flesh! There comes the sting <br /> Of the whole shame. And then the jeopardy, <br /> For good or ill, what shall that master be. <br /> (tr. Gilbert Murray) <!-- **: Thus is it, of all beings, that have life <br /> And sense, we women are most wretched; first <br /> With all our dearest treasures we must buy <br /> A husband, and in him receive a lord: <br /> And hardship this: a greater hardship yet <br /> Awaits us; here's the question, if this lord <br /> Prove gentle, or a tyrant. <br /> (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|Robert Potter]], 1781, 1814; ''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (London, 1814) vol. 1 of 2) **: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But sure among all those <br /> Who have with breath and reason been endued. <br /> We women are the most unhappy race, <br /> First with abundant gold are we constrain'd <br /> To buy a husband, and in him receive <br /> A haughty master. Still doth there remain <br /> One mischief than this mischief yet more grievous. <br /> The hazard whether we. procure a mate <br /> Worthless or virtuous. <br /> (tr. [[w:Michael Wodhull|Michael Wodhull]], 1782, 1809; ''The Nineteen Tragedies and Fragments of Euripides'' (London, 1809) vol. 1 of 3) **: But of all things as many as have life and intellect, we women are the most wretched race. Who indeed first must purchase a husband with excess of money, and receive him a lord of our persons; for this is a still greater ill than the former. And in this is the greatest risk, whether we receive a bad one or a good one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|Theodore A. Buckley]], 1858; ''The tragedies of Euripides'' (London: Henry G. Bohn, 1858) vol. 1) **: Surely, of creatures that have life and wit, <br /> We women are of all things wretchedest, <br /> Who, first, must needs, as buys the highest bidder, <br /> Thus buy a husband, and our body's master <br /> So win—for deeper depth of ill is this. <br /> Nay, risk is dire herein, — or shall we gain <br /> An evil lord or good? <br /> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: We women are the most unfortunate creatures. <br /> Firstly, with an excess of wealth it is required <br /> For us to buy a husband and take for our bodies <br /> A master; for not to take one is even worse. <br /> And now the question is serious whether we take <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Rex Warner|Rex Warner]], 1944) **: Surely, of all creatures that have life and will, we women <br /> Are the most wretched. When, for an extravagant sum, <br /> We have bought a husband, we must then accept him as <br /> Possessor of our body. This is to aggravate <br /> Wrong with worse wrong. Then the great question: will the man <br /> We get be bad or good? <br /> (tr. [[w:Philip Vellacott|Philip Vellacott]], 1963) **: Of all creatures that live and have understanding <br /> We women are the wretchedest breed alive; <br /> First, we must use excessive amounts of cash <br /> To buy our husbands, and what we get are masters <br /> Of our bodies. This is the worst pain of all. <br /> In fact, this is no small struggle, whether he’ll be <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. A. J. Podlecki, 1989, 1996; Focus Classical Library) **: Of all creatures that have breath and sensation, we women are the most unfortunate. First at an exorbitant price we must buy a husband and master of our bodies. [This misfortune is more painful than misfortune.] And the outcome of our life's striving hangs on this, whether we take a bad or a good husband. <br /> (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) **: Of all creatures that have life and reason we women are the most miserable of specimens! In the first place, at great expense we must buy a husband, taking a master to play tyrant with our bodies (this is an injustice that crowns the other one). And here lies the crucial issue for us, whether we get a good man or a bad. <br /> (tr. John Davie, 1996; ''Medea and Other Plays'' (Penguin Books, 1996, 2003)) **: Of all creatures that live and understand,<br />we women suffer most.<br />In the first place we must, for a vast sum,<br />buy a husband; what’s worse,<br />with him our bodies get a master.<br />And here’s what’s most at stake:<br />Did we get a man who’s good or bad?<br />(tr. Rachel Kitzinger, 2016; ''The Greek Plays: Sixteen Plays by Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides'' (Modern Library, 2016))--> * Ὡς τρὶς ἂν παρ᾿ ἀσπίδα <br> στῆναι θέλοιμ᾿ ἂν μᾶλλον ἢ τεκεῖν ἅπαξ. ** I would gladly take my stand in battle array three times o'er, than once give birth. *** ll. 250–51, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Κρεῖσσον δέ μοι νῦν πρός σ᾽ ἀπεχθέσθαι, γύναι, <br> ἢ μαλθακισθένθ᾽ ὕστερον μεταστένειν. ** 'Tis better for me to incur thy hatred now, lady, than to soften my heart and bitterly repent it hereafter. ** ll. 290–91, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ γὰρ ὀξύθυμος, ὡς δ᾽ αὔτως ἀνήρ, <br> ῥᾴων φυλάσσειν ἢ σιωπηλὸς σοφή. ** For cunning woman, and man likewise, is easier to guard against when quick-tempered than when taciturn. *** ll. 319–20, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Φεῦ φεῦ, βροτοῖς ἔρωτες ὡς κακὸν μέγα. ** Ah me! ah me! to mortal man how dread a scourge is love! *** l. 330, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πρὸς δὲ καὶ πεφύκαμεν<br />γυναῖκες, ἐς μὲν ἔσθλ᾽ ἀμηχανώταται,<br />κακῶν δὲ πάντων τέκτονες σοφώταται. ** We are women, unable to perform noble deeds, but most skilful architects of every sort of harm. *** l. 407, Medea (tr. Kovacs)<!--tr. David Kovacs, ''Perseus Digital Library'': "We are women, unable to perform great deeds of valor, but most skilful architects of every evil."--> * Ἄνω ποταμῶν ἱερῶν χώρονσι παγαί. ** The fountains of sacred rivers flow upwards. *** l. 410<!--409-->, Chorus (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 468-->)<!--Also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922) p. 675 (''i.e.'' everything is turned topsy turvy).--> * Δεινή τις ὀργὴ καὶ δυσίατος πέλει, <br> ὅταν φίλοι φίλοισι συμβάλωσ᾽ ἔριν. ** There is a something terrible and past all cure, when quarrels arise 'twixt those who are near and dear. *** ll. 520–21, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Χρῆν τἄρ᾽ ἄλλοθέν ποθεν βροτοὺς <br> παῖδας τεκνοῦσθαι, θῆλυ δ᾽ οὐκ εἶναι γένος: <br> χοὔτως ἂν οὐκ ἦν οὐδὲν ἀνθρώποις κακόν. ** Men should have begotten children from some other source, no female race existing; thus would no evil ever have fallen on mankind. *** ll. 573–76 (tr. Coleridge) * Ἐμοὶ γὰρ ὅστις ἄδικος ὢν σοφὸς λέγειν <br> πέφυκε, πλείστην ζημίαν ὀφλισκάνει. ** To me a wicked man who is also eloquent seems the most guilty of them all. *** ll. 580–81, Medea (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1963) * Κακοῦ γὰρ ἀνδρὸς δῶρ᾽ ὄνησιν οὐκ ἔχει. ** The gifts of a bad man bring no good with them. *** l. 618, Medea (tr. [[w:Morris H. Morgan|Morris H. Morgan]]<!--''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892; 13th ed. 1937-->)<!--Other translations: (1) ''The Hecuba, Orestes, Phœnician Virgins, and Medea, of Euripides; Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (Oxford: for D. A. Talboys, 1820), p. 214: "For the gifts of a bad man bring no assistance." (2) T. W. C. Edwards, ''The Medea, Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (London: Simpkin, Marshall, and Co., 1840: "For the gifts of a bad man have no avail."--> * Ἔρωτες ὑπὲρ μὲν ἄγαν ἐλθόντες οὐκ εὐδοξίαν <br /> οὐδ᾽ ἀρετὰν παρέδωκαν ἀνδράσιν. ** When love is in excess it brings a man nor honor nor any worthiness. *** ll. 627–28, Chorus (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) * Στέργοι δέ με σωφροσύνα, δώρημα κάλλιστον θεῶν. ** Moderation, the noblest gift of Heaven. *** l. 636, Chorus (tr. [[Georgiana Chatterton#Translations|Georgiana Chatterton]], 1863)<!--''The Heiress and Her Lovers'' (London: Richard Bentley, 1863), vol. 2 (front matter); cited in ''Bartlett's'', 1892--> * Ὦ πατρίς, ὦ δώματα, μὴ <br> δῆτ᾽ ἄπολις γενοίμαν <br> τὸν ἀμηχανίας ἔχουσα <br> δυσπέρατον αἰῶ, <br> οἰκτρότατόν <γ᾽> ἀχέων. ** O my country, O my own dear home! God grant I may never be an outcast from my city, leading that cruel helpless life, whose every day is misery. *** ll. 645–49, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Μό- <br /> χθων δ᾽ οὐκ ἄλλος ὕπερθεν ἢ <br /> γᾶς πατρίας στέρεσθαι. ** Of troubles none is greater than to be robbed of one’s native land. *** l. 651<!--653-->, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) **: For nothing is like the sorrow or supersedes the sadness of losing your native land. (tr. [[w:Paul Roche|Paul Roche]], 1974) * Οὐ γὰρ γελᾶσθαι τλητὸν ἐξ ἐχθρῶν. ** I cannot endure the taunts of enemies. *** l. 797, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ δὲ θῆλυ κἀπὶ δακρύοις ἔφυ. ** Woman is a weak creature, ever given to tears. *** l. 934, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πείθειν δῶρα καὶ θεοὺς λόγος. ** It is said that gifts persuade even the gods. *** l. 964, Medea (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--W. Gurney Benham, ''A Book of Quotations'' (1907), p. 470-->)<!--also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922), p. 311--> * Χρυσὸς δὲ κρείσσων μυρίων λόγων βροτοῖς. ** O'er men's minds gold holds more potent sway than countless words. *** l. 965, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Καὶ μανθάνω μὲν οἷα τολμήσω κακά, <br /> θυμὸς δὲ κρείσσων τῶν ἐμῶν βουλευμάτων, <br> ὅσπερ μεγίστων αἴτιος κακῶν βροτοῖς. ** I know, indeed, the evil of that I purpose; but my inclination gets the better of my judgment. *** ll. 1078–80, Medea (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--At last I understand the awful deed I am to do; but passion, that cause of direst woes to mortal man, hath triumphed o'er my sober thoughts. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * θνητῶν γὰρ οὐδείς ἐστιν εὐδαίμων ἀνήρ. ** Amongst mortals no man is happy. *** l. 1228, Messenger (tr. Coleridge) * Χαλεπὰ γὰρ βροτοῖς ὁμογενῆ μιά-<br>σματ᾽, ἕπεται δ᾽ ἅμ᾽ αὐτοφόνταις ξυνῳ-<br>δὰ θεόθεν πίτνοντ᾽ ἐπὶ δόμοις ἄχη. ** Grievous for mortals is the stain of kindred blood. For the murderers are dogged by woes harmonious with their deeds, sent by the gods upon their houses. *** ll. 1268–70, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) * Τῶν δ᾽ ἀδοκήτων πόρον ηὗρε θεός. ** For the unlooked-for god finds out a way. *** l. 1418, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) === [[w:Children of Heracles|''Heraclidae'']] (c. 430 BC) === * τίς ἂν δίκην κρίνειεν ἢ γνοίη λόγον, <br> πρὶν ἂν παρ᾿ ἀμφοῖν μῦθον ἐκμάθῃ σαφῶς; ** Who can decide a plea or judge a speech until he has heard plainly from both sides? ** ll. 179–180 (tr. David Kovacs) <!--quoted by [[Aristophanes]] in ''The Wasps''--> **: In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side. —''Forbes'', vol. 86 no. 10 (15 Nov. 1960) p. 70 * μάλιστ᾿ Ἄρης στυγεῖ <br> μέλλοντας. ** Ares hates those who hesitate. ** ll. 722–723 (ed. H. L. Mencken, 1942, '60)<!--H. L. Mencken, ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles'' (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1942; 1960)--> **: Ares hates the sluggard most of all. (tr. David Kovacs) * πάντα κινῆσαι πέτρον. ** Leave no stone unturned. ** l. 1002 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--cf. [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Butler]], ''Hudibras''--> === ''[[w:Hippolytus (play)|Hippolytus]]'' (428 BC) === [[File:Archaeologische Hermeneutik; Anleitung zur Deutung klassischer Bildwerke (1919) (14758094276).jpg|thumb|Αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser.]] * τίς δ᾿ οὐ σεμνὸς ἀχθεινὸς βροτῶν; ** Reserve in man is ever galling. *** l. 94, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * πᾶς δ᾿ ὀδυνηρὸς βίος ἀνθρώπων <br> κοὐκ ἔστι πόνων ἀνάπαυσις. ** Man's whole life is full of anguish; no respite from his woes he finds. *** ll. 189–90, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * μοχθεῖν δὲ βροτοῖσιν ἀνάγκη. ** Suffering for mortals is nature's iron law. *** l. 207, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * το γὰρ ὀρθοῦσθαι γνώμην ὀδυνᾷ, <br> τὸ δὲ μαινόμενον κακόν· ἀλλὰ κρατεῖ <br> μὴ γιγνώσκοντ᾿ ἀπολέσθαι. ** Tis painful coming to one's senses again, and madness, evil though it be, has this advantage, that one has no knowledge of reason's overthrow. *** ll. 247–49, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * χρῆν γὰρ μετρίας εἰς ἀλλήλους <br> φιλίας θνητοὺς ἀνακίρνασθαι <br> καὶ μὴ πρὸς ἄκρον μυελὸν ψυχῆς. ** Mortal men should pledge themselves to moderate friendships only, not to such as reach the very heart's core. *** ll. 253–55, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * οὕτω τὸ λίαν ἧσσον ἐπαινῶ <br> τοῦ μηδὲν ἄγαν. ** I do not praise excess so much as moderation. *** ll. 264–65, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * ὅταν γὰρ αἰσχρὰ τοῖσιν ἐσθλοῖσιν δοκῇ, <br> ἦ κάρτα δόξει τοῖς κακοῖς γ᾿ εἶναι καλά. ** For when the noble countenance disgrace, poor folk of course will think that it is right. *** ll. 411–12, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--For, when the noble count their shame their good, / The lowly sure will hold it honourable. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * μισῶ δὲ καὶ τὰς σώφρονας μὲν ἐν λόγοις, <br> λάθρᾳ δὲ τόλμας οὐ καλὰς κεκτημένας. ** Those too I hate who make profession of purity, though in secret reckless sinners. *** ll. 413–14, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--And O, I hate the continent-professed / Which treasure secret recklessness of shame. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * μόνον δὲ τοῦτό φασ᾿ ἁμιλλᾶσθαι βίῳ, <br> γνώμην δικαίαν κἀγαθὴν ὅτῳ παρῇ. ** One thing only, they say, competes in value with life, the possession of a heart blameless and good. *** ll. 426–27, Phaedra (tr. David Kovacs, 1995)<!--Unsourced translation: "There is one thing alone that stands the brunt of life throughout its course: a quiet conscience."--> * τὸ σῶφρον ὡς ἁπανταχοῦ καλὸν <br> καὶ δόξαν ἐσθλὴν ἐν βροτοῖς καρπίζεται. ** How fair is chastity however viewed, whose fruit is good repute amongst men. *** ll. 431–32, Chorus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * κἀν βροτοῖς <br> αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. ** In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best. *** ll. 435–436, Nurse (tr. [[w:David Grene|David Grene]], 1942<!--''Three Greek Tragedies in Translation'' (University of Chicago Press, 1942), p. 188-->) **: Among mortals second thoughts are the wisest. (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides (Henry G. Bohn, 1850), 2 vols.-->) <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser. (''Bartlett's'', 1892) <br> Among mortals second thoughts are wisest. (''Hoyt's'', 1882<!--p. 419-->)<!--Also in Maturin M. Ballou (ed.) ''Pearls of Thought'' (1881) p. 277--> * ἐν σοφοῖσι γὰρ <br> τάδ᾿ ἐστὶ θνητῶν, λανθάνειν τὰ μὴ καλά. ** 'Tis part of human wisdom to conceal the deed of shame. *** ll. 465–66, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * εἰσὶν δ᾿ ἐπῳδαὶ καὶ λόγοι θελκτήριοι. ** For there are charms and spells to soothe the soul. *** l. 478, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * ὄνασθαι, μὴ μαθεῖν, βούλου, τέκνον. ** Be content with help, not knowledge. *** l. 517, Nurse (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)<!--Be content, my child, to profit by it and ask no questions. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * τά τοι κάλ᾿ ἐν πολλοῖσι κάλλιον λέγειν. ** A virtuous tale grows fairer told to many. *** l. 610, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * ἡ γλῶσσ᾿ ὀμώμοχ᾿, ἡ δὲ φρὴν ἀνώμοτος. ** 'Twas but my tongue, 'twas not my soul that swore. *** l. 612, Hippolytus (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1902) **: My tongue an oath did take, but not my heart. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged. (tr. David Grene, 1942) * ἁμαρτεῖν εἰκὸς ἀνθρώπους, τέκνον. ** To err is only human, child. *** l. 615, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * πρὸς τὰς τύχας γὰρ τὰς φρένας κεκτήμεθα. ** The credit we get for wisdom is measured by our success. *** l. 701, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * δεινὸν σοφιστὴν εἶπας, ὅστις εὖ φρονεῖν <br> τοὺς μὴ φρονοῦντας δυνατός ἐστ᾿ ἀναγκάσαι. ** A very master in his craft the man, who can force fools to be wise! *** ll. 921–22, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) === [[w:Hecuba (play)|''Hecuba'']] (c. 424 BC) === * ὡς δὲ μὴ μακροὺς τείνω λόγους, <br> εἴ τις γυναῖκας τῶν πρὶν εἴρηκεν κακῶς <br> ἢ νῦν λέγων ἔστιν τις ἢ μέλλει λέγειν, <br> ἅπαντα ταῦτα συντεμὼν ἐγὼ φράσω· <br> γένος γὰρ οὔτε πόντος οὔτε γῆ τρέφει <br> τοιόνδ᾿. ** On behalf of all those dead<br>who learned their hatred of women long ago,<br>for those who hate them now, for those unborn<br>who shall live to hate them yet, I now declare<br>my firm conviction: neither earth nor ocean<br>produces a creature as savage and monstrous<br>as woman. ** ll. 1177–1182 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1956<!--'''Euripides III'' (University of Chicago Press, 1956)-->) **: Let me tell you, if anyone in the past has spoken<br>ill of women, or speaks so now or will speak so<br>in the future, I’ll sum it up for him: Neither sea<br>nor land has ever produced a more monstrous<br>creature than woman.<br>(tr. Jay Kardan and Laura-Gray Street, 2011, in ''Didaskalia'', [https://didaskalia.net/issues/8/32/ vol. 8 no. 32]) === [[w:Electra (Euripides play)|''Electra'']] (c. 422–416 BC) === * σκοπῶ τὰ χρήμαθ᾿ ὡς ἔχει μέγα σθένος <br> ξένοις τε δοῦναι σῶμά τ᾿ ἐς νόσους πεσὸν <br> δαπάναισι σῶσαι· τῆς δ᾿ ἐφ᾿ ἡμέραν βορᾶς <br> ἐς σμικρὸν ἥκει· πᾶς γὰρ ἐμπλησθεὶς ἀνὴρ <br> ὁ πλούσιός τε χὠ πένης ἴσον φέρει. ** I care for riches, to make gifts <br> To friends, or lead a sick man back to health<br> With ease and plenty. Else small aid is wealth <br> For daily gladness; once a man be done <br> With hunger, rich and poor are all as one. ** ll. 427–431 (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1906)<!--Cited in ''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968--> === [[w:Helen (play)|''Helen'']] (412 BC) === * λόγος γάρ ἐστιν οὐκ ἐμός, σοφῶν δέ του <br> δεινῆς ἀνάγκης οὐδὲν ἰσχύειν πλέον. ** Nothing has more strength than dire necessity. ** ll. 513–514 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) * σώφρονος δ᾿ ἀπιστίας <br> οὐκ ἔστιν οὐδὲν χρησιμώτερον βροτοῖς. ** Man's most valuable trait<br>is a judicious sense of what not to believe. ** ll. 1617–1618 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) **: There is naught more serviceable to mankind than a prudent distrust. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--''The Plays of Euripides'' (London: George Bell & Sons, 1891), 2 vols.--><!--Unsourced: "Nothing is more useful to mankind than a prudent distrust."--> === ''[[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]]'' (408 BC) === [[File:Orestes Pursued by the Furies by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1862) - Google Art Project.jpg |thumb|right|''The Remorse of Orestes'' by William-Adolphe Bouguereau]] * ἐπικουρίαι γὰρ αἵδε τοῖς φίλοις καλαί. ** Love is all we have, the only way <br> that each can help the other. ** l. 300 (tr. [[w:William Arrowsmith|William Arrowsmith]], 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958)-->)<!--"I must be at thy side and give thee words of comfort; for to help our friends like this is a gracious task." (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * ΟΡ. δεινὸν οἱ πολλοί, κακούργους ὅταν ἔχωσι προστάτας. <br> ΠΥ. ἀλλ᾿ ὅταν χρηστοὺς λάβωσι, χρηστὰ βουλεύουσ᾿ ἀεί. ** {{smallcaps|Orestes}}: A terrible thing is the mob, when it has villains to lead it. <br> {{smallcaps|Pylades}}: Aye, but with honest leaders its counsels are honest. ** ll. 772–73 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * ὅταν γὰρ ἡδύς τις λόγοις φρονῶν κακῶς <br> πείθῃ τὸ πλῆθος, τῇ πόλει κακὸν μέγα. ** When one with honeyed words but evil mind<br> Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state. ** ll. 907–908 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/446/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) === ''[[w:The Phoenician Women|Phoenissae]]'' (c. 409 BC) === * δούλου τόδ᾿ εἶπας, μὴ λέγειν ἅ τις φρονεῖν. ** {{smallcaps|Jocasta}}: But this is slavery, not to speak one’s thought. ** l. 392 (tr. Elizabeth Wyckoff, 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958) p. 472-->) **: Who dares not speak his free thoughts is a slave. (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|R. Potter]], 1823<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (Oxford: W. Baxter, 1823), 2 vols.-->) * ἁπλοῦς ὁ μῦθος τῆς ἀληθείας ἔφυ, <br> κοὐ ποικίλων δεῖ τἄνδιχ᾿ ἑρμηνευμάτων. ** {{smallcaps|Polyneices}}: The words of truth are simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it hath a fitness in itself. ** ll. 469–470 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891<!--Revised by George Panagiotou: "The words of truth are naturally simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it has a fitness in itself."-->) === ''[[w:The Bacchae|Bacchae]]'' (405 BC) === [[File:Euripides altes Museum.jpg|thumb|right|Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.]] * τὸ σοφὸν δ᾿ οὐ σοφία, <br> τό τε μὴ θνατὰ φρονεῖν. ** But cleverness is not wisdom, nor is the thinking on things unfit for mortals. ** ll. 395–396 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced: "Cleverness is not wisdom. And not to think mortal thoughts is to see few days."--> * ΔΙ. ἄρρητ᾿ ἀβακχεύτοισιν εἰδέναι βροτῶν. <br> ΠΕ. ἔχει δ᾿ ὄνησιν τοῖσι θύουσιν τίνα; <br> ΔΙ. οὐ θέμις ἀκοῦσαί σ᾿, ἔστι δ᾿ ἄξι᾿ εἰδέναι. ** {{smallcaps|Dionysus}}: He who believes needs no explanation.<br /> {{smallcaps|Pentheus}}: What's the worth in believing worthless things? <br />{{smallcaps|Dionysus}}: Much worth, but not worth telling you, it seems. ** l. 472–474 (tr. [[w:Colin Teevan|Colin Teevan]], 2002) * δόξει τις ἀμαθεῖ σοφὰ λέγων οὐκ εὖ φρονεῖν. ** Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. ** ll. 479-480 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) **: To the fool, he who speaks wisdom will sound foolish. (''Bartlett's'', 13th ed. 1955) **: He were a fool, methinks, who would utter wisdom to a fool. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Wise words being brought to blinded eyes will seem as things of nought. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1902) * ὁρμᾶται μόλις, ἀλλ᾿ ὅμως <br> πιστόν ⟨τι⟩ το θεῖον <br> σθένος. ** Slow but sure moves the might of the gods. ** ll. 882–884 (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) **: Slowly but surely withal moveth the might of the gods. (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) * χρηστοῖσι δούλοις συμφορὰ τὰ δεσποτῶν. ** The misfortunes of their masters are a concern to good servants. ** l. 1028 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced translation: "Good slaves [are affected by] the adversities of their masters."--> * τὸ σωφρονεῖν δὲ καὶ σέβειν τὰ τῶν θεῶν <br> κάλλιστον· οἶμαι δ᾿ αὐτὸ καὶ σοφώτατον <br> θνητοῖσιν εἶναι κτῆμα τοῖσι χρωμένοις. ** Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best. ** ll. 1150–1152 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) === Fragments === :<small>Greek text cited from R. Kannicht, ''Tragicorum Graecorum Fragmenta, vol. 5 Euripides'' (Göttingen, 2004).</small> ;''Aegeus'' * κρεῖσσον δὲ πλούτου καὶ βαθυσπόρου χθονός <br> ἀνδρῶν δικαίων κἀγαθῶν ὁμιλίαι. * The company of just and righteous men is better than wealth and a rich estate. ** Frg. 7 (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) ;''Aeolus'' * κακὸν γυναῖκα πρὸς νέαν ζεῦξαι νέον· <br> μακρὰ γὰρ ἰσχὺς μᾶλλον ἀρσένων μένει, <br> θήλεια δ᾿ ἥβη θᾶσσον ἐκλείπει δέμας. ** To mate a youth with a young wife is ill; <br> Seeing a man's strength lasteth, while the bloom <br> Of beauty quickly leaves a woman's form. ** Frg. 24 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879<!--''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 289 note-->) * φεῦ φεῦ, παλαιὸς αἶνος ὡς καλῶς ἔχει· <br> γέροντες οὐδέν ἐσμεν ἄλλο πλὴν ὄχλος <br> καὶ σμῆμ᾿, ὀνείρων δ᾿ ἕρπομεν μιμήματα· <br> νοῦς δ᾿ οὐκ ἔνεστιν, οἰόμε⟨σ⟩θα δ᾿ εὖ φρονεῖν. ** Alas, how right the ancient saying is: <br> We, who are old, are nothing else but noise <br> And shape. Like mimicries of dreams we go, <br> And have no wits, although we think us wise. ** Frg. 25 (tr. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--''Oxford Book of Greek Verse in Translation'' (1938) no. 389-->) * κακῆς ἀπ᾿ ἀρχῆς γίγνεται τέλος κακόν. ** A bad beginning makes a bad ending. ** Frg. 32 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὁ χρόνος ἅπαντα τοῖσιν ὕστερον φράσει, <br> †ἄλλος ἐστὶν οὗτος, οὐκ ἐρωτῶσιν λέγει. ** Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. ** Frg. 38a (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alexander'' * παλαιὰ καινοῖς δακρύοις οὐ χρὴ στένειν. ** Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. ** Frg. 46.5 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alcmene'' * ἀλλ᾿ εὖ φέρειν χρὴ συμφορὰς τὸν εὐγενῆ. ** The nobly born must nobly meet his fate. ** Frg. 98 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--''Noblesse oblige''. — Bohn: ''Foreign Proverbs''--> ;''Alope'' * γυνὴ γυναικὶ σύμμαχος πέφυκέ πως. ** Woman is woman's natural ally. ** Frg. 108 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Andromeda'' * ἀλλ᾿ ἡδύ τοι σωθέντα μεμνῆσθαι πόνων. ** Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety. ** Frg. 133 (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 472-->) * ὅσοι γὰρ εἰς ἔρωτα πίπτουσιν βροτῶν, <br> ἐσθλῶν ὅταν τύχωσι τῶν ἐρωμένων, <br> οὐκ ἔσθ᾿ ὁποίας λείπεται τόδ᾿ ἡδονῆς. ** When it befalls poor mortal men to love, <br> Should they find worthy objects for their loving, <br> Then is there nothing left of joy to long for. ** Frg. 138 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879) ;''Antiope'' * κέρδος δ᾿ ἐν κακοῖς ἀγνωσία. ** Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. ** Frg. 205.3 (''Bartlett's'', 1892); cf. [[William Davenant|Davenant]] * φῆσίν τις εἶναι δῆτ᾿ ἐν οὐρανῷ θεούς; <br> οὐκ εἰσίν, οὐκ εἴσ᾿, εἴ τις ἀνθρώπων θέλει <br> μὴ τῷ παλαιῷ μῶρος ὢν χρῆσθαι λόγῳ. <br> σκέψασθε δ᾿ αὐτοί, μὴ ᾿πὶ τοῖς ἐμοῖς λόγοις <br> γνώμην ἔχοντες. φῆμ᾿ ἐγὼ τυραννίδα <br> κτείνειν τε πλείστους κτημάτων τ᾿ ἀποστερεῖν <br> ὅρκους τε παραβαίνοντας ἐκπορθεῖν πόλεις· <br> καὶ ταῦτα δρῶντες μᾶλλόν εἰσ᾿ εὐδαίμονες <br> τῶν εὐσεβούντων ἡσυχῇ καθ᾿ ἡμέραν. <br> πόλεις τε μικρὰς οἶδα τιμώσας θεούς, <br> αἳ μειζόνων κλύουσι δυσσεβεστέρων <br> λόγχης ἀριθμῷ πλείονος κρατούμεναι. <br> οἶμαι δ᾿ ἂν ὑμᾶς, εἴ τις ἀργὸς ὢν θεοῖς <br> εὔχοιτο καὶ μὴ χειρὶ συλλέγοι βίον <br> ⟨μαθεῖν ἄν, ὡς οὔκ εἰσιν. αἱ δ᾿ εὐπραξίαι⟩ <br> τὰ θεῖα πυργοῦσ᾿ αἱ κακαί τε συμφοραί. ** Doth some one say that there be gods above? <br/>There are not; no, there are not. Let no fool, <br/>Led by the old false fable, thus deceive you. <br/>Look at the facts themselves, yielding my words <br/>No undue credence: for I say that kings <br/>Kill, rob, break oaths, lay cities waste by fraud, <br/>And doing thus are happier than those <br/>Who live calm pious lives day after day. <br> How many little States that serve the gods <br> Are subject to the godless but more strong, <br> Made slaves by might of a superior army! <br> And you, if any ceased from work and prayed <br> To gods, nor gathered in his livelihood, <br> Would learn gods are not. All Divinity <br> Is built up from our good and evil luck. ** Frg. 286 (tr. [[John Addington Symonds|J. A. Symonds]], 1879; rev. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--First 11 lines by Symonds, ''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 294; completed by Bowra, ''OBGVT'' (1938) no. 391. Greek: ''TGF'', p. 445, no. 286-->) ** Penultimate line missing in the original; conjectural supplement by Herwerden included here. [[File:Ватикан. Еврипид (Euripide) с актерской маской (ант.статуя) ~1859г 2640.jpg|thumb|right|Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account.]] ;[[w:Bellerophon (play)|''Bellerophon'']] * τοῖς πράγμασιν γὰρ οὐχὶ θυμοῦσθαι χρεών· <br> μέλει γὰρ αὐτοῖς οὐδέν· ἀλλ᾿ οὑντυγχάνων <br> τὰ πράγματ᾿ ὀρθῶς ἢν τιθῇ, πράσσει καλῶς. ** Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account. ** Frg. 287 (tr. [[w:Arthur Richard Shilleto|A. R. Shilleto]], 1888)<!--''Plutarch's Morals: Ethical Essays'' (1888) p. 293--> ;''Hippolytus Veiled'' * αὐτός τι νῦν δρῶν εἶτα δαίμονας κάλει· <br> τῷ γὰρ πονοῦντι καὶ θεὸς ξυλλαμβάνει. ** Try first thyself, and after call in God; <br> For to the worker God himself lends aid. ** Frg. 432 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Licymnius'' * πόνος γάρ, ὡς λέγουσιν, εὐκλείας πατήρ. ** Toil, says the proverb, is the sire of fame. ** Frg. 474 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) [[File:Seated Euripides Louvre Ma343.jpg|thumb|right|When good men die their goodness does not perish, but lives though they are gone. As for the bad, all that was theirs dies and is buried with them.]] ;''Meleager'' * δειλοὶ γὰρ ἄνδρες οὐκ ἔχουσιν ἐν μάχῃ <br> ἀριθμόν, ἀλλ᾿ ἄπεισι κἂν παρῶσ᾿ ὁμοίως. ** Cowards do not count in battle; they are there, but not in it. ** Frg. 519 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ἔνδον μένουσαν τὴν γυναῖκ᾿ εἶναι χρεών <br> ἐσθλήν, θύρασι δ᾿ ἀξίαν τοῦ μηδενός. ** A woman should be good for everything at home, but abroad good for nothing. ** Frg. 521 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Oedipus'' * οὔτοι νόμισμα λευκὸς ἄργυρος μόνον <br> καὶ χρυσός ἐστιν, ἀλλὰ κἀρετὴ βροτοῖς <br> νόμισμα κεῖται πᾶσιν, ᾗ χρῆσθαι χρεών. ** Silver and gold are not the only coin; virtue too passes current all over the world. ** Frg. 542 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Protesilaus'' * δυοῖν λεγόντοιν, θατέρου θυμουμένου, <br> ὁ μὴ ἀντιτείνων τοῖς λόγοις σοφώτερος. ** Where two discourse, if the one's anger rise, <br> The man who lets the contest fall is wise. ** Frg. 654 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/bim_early-english-books-1641-1700_plutarchs-morals-_plutarch_1684/page/n65/mode/2up Anonymous, 1684]) ;''Temenidae'' * ἀρετὴ δὲ κἂν θάνῃ τις οὐκ ἀπόλλυται, <br> ζῇ δ᾿ οὐκέτ᾿ ὄντος σώματος· κακοῖσι δέ <br> ἅπαντα φροῦδα συνθανόνθ᾿ ὑπὸ χθονός. ** When good men die their goodness does not perish, <br> But lives though they are gone. As for the bad, <br> All that was theirs dies and is buried with them. ** Frg. 734 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Phoenix'' * τοιοῦτός ἐστιν οἷσπερ ἥδεται ξυνών. ** He is like the very men whose company he enjoys. ** Frg. 812.9 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.417.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009]) *** Paraphrased in ''Bartlett's'', 1892: *** Every man is like the company he is wont to keep. * ὦ φιλόζωοι βροτοί, <br> οἳ τὴν ἐπιστείχουσαν ἡμέραν ἰδεῖν <br> ποθεῖτ᾿ ἔχοντες μυρίων ἄχθος κακῶν. <br> οὕτως ἔρως βροτοῖσιν ἔγκειται βίου. ** O ye life-loving mortals,<br/>Who ever long to see the coming day,<br/>Though ye be weighed down with a thousand sorrows!<br/>So strong the yearning of mankind for life. ** Frg. 816.6–9 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/538/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ;''Phrixus'' * τίς δ᾿ οἶδεν εἰ ζῆν τοῦθ᾿ ὃ κέκληται θανεῖν, <br> τὸ ζῆν δὲ θνῄσκειν ἐστί; ** Who knows but life be that which men call death, <br> And death what men call life? ** Frg. 833 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) *** Alternative translation (J. A. Symonds, 1879): *** Who knows if that be life which we call death,<br>And life be dying? ;Fragments of uncertain placement * ἡ γὰρ σιωπὴ τοῖς σοφοῖσ⟨ιν⟩ ἀπόκρισις. ** Silence is an answer in the eyes of the wise. ** Frg. 977 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.561.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009])<!--cf. [[Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau#Attributed|Mirabeau]]--> *** Alternative translation (R. B. Appleton, 1927)<!--''Euripides the Idealist'' (London: J. M. Dent, 1927), p. 194--> *** For silence is true wisdom's best reply. * τὰ τῶν τεκόντων σφάλματ᾿ εἰς τοὺς ἐκγόνους <br> οἱ θεοὶ τρέπουσιν. ** The gods visit the sins of the fathers upon the children. ** Frg. 980 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὅστις νέος ὢν Μουσῶν ἀμελεῖ, <br> τόν τε παρελθόντ᾿ ἀπόλωλε χρόνον <br> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; καὶ τὸν μέλλοντα τέθνηκε. ** Whoso neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future. ** Frg. 1028 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * τοῖσιν εὖ φρονοῦσι συμμαχεῖ τύχη. ** Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement. ** {{w|Critias}}, ''Pirithous'', frg. 10.3 TrGF = Euripides, frg. 598 N.<sup>2</sup> (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 781 note-->) ** Rival attributions to Critias and Euripides current in antiquity. * τηνικαῦτά μοι δοκεῖ <br> ⟨&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;⟩ πυκνός τις καὶ σοφὸς γνώμην ἀνήρ <br> ⟨θεῶν⟩ δέος θνητοῖσιν ἐξευρεῖν, ὅπως <br> εἴη τι δεῖμα τοῖς κακοῖσι, κἂν λάθρᾳ <br> πράσσωσιν ἢ λέγωσιν ἢ φρονῶσί ⟨τι⟩. ** I maintain, <br> Some shrewd man first, a man in counsel wise,<br>Discovered unto men the fear of Gods,<br>Thereby to frighten sinners should they sin <br>E'en secretly in deed, or word, or thought. ** {{w|Sisyphus fragment}} (Critias, frg. 19 TrGF), lines 11–15 TrGF (tr. R. G. Bury, [[w:Loeb Classical Library|L311]])<!--Revised by J. Garrett: "I think, / Some shrewd man first, a man in judgment wise, / Found for mortals the fear of gods, / Thereby to frighten the wicked should they / Even act or speak or scheme in secret."--> **: He was a wise man who originated the idea of God. (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 478-->) * διδαγμάτων ἥδιστον εἰσηγήσατο <br> ψευδεῖ καλύψας τὴν ἀλήθειαν λόγῳ. <br> ⟨ν⟩αίει⟨ν⟩ δ᾿ ἔφασκε τοὺς θεοὺς ἐνταῦθ᾿ ἵνα <br> μάλιστ᾿ ἂ⟨ν⟩ ἐξέπληξεν ἀνθρώπους ἄγων, <br> ὅθεν περ ἔγνω τοὺς φόβους ὄντας βροτοῖς <br> καὶ τὰς ὀνήσεις τῷ ταλαιπώρῳ βίῳ, <br> ἐκ τῆς ὕπερθε περιφορᾶς, ἵν᾿ ἀστραπάς <br> κατεῖδον οὔσας, δεινὰ δὲ κτυπήματα <br> βροντῆς τό τ᾿ ἀστερωπὸν οὐρανοῦ δέμας, <br> Χρόνου καλόν ποίκιλμα, τέκτονος σοφοῦ, <br> ὅθεν τε λαμπρὸς ἀστέρος στείχει μύδρος <br> ὅ θ᾿ ὑγρὸς εἰς γῆν ὄμβρος ἐκπορεύεται. ** Most cunning doctrine did he introduce,<br>The truth concealing under speech untrue.<br>The place he spoke of as the God's abode<br>Was that whereby he could affright men most,—<br>The place from which, he knew, both terrors came<br>And easements unto men of toilsome life—<br>To wit the vault above, wherein do dwell<br>The lightnings, he beheld, and awesome claps<br>Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven,<br>Fair-spangled by that cunning craftsman Time,—<br>Whence, too, the meteor's glowing mass doth speed<br>And liquid rain descends upon the earth. ** Sisyphus fragment (Critias, frg. 19 TrGF), lines 25–36 (tr. R. G. Bury, L311)<!--Revised by J. Garrett: The sweetest teaching did he introduce, / Concealing truth under untrue speech. / The place he spoke of as the gods' abode<br>Was that by which he might awe humans most, — / The place from which, he knew, terrors came to mortals / And things advantageous in their wearisome life — / The revolving heaven above, in which dwell / The lightnings, and awesome claps / Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven, / Beautiful and intricate by that wise craftsman Time, — / From which, too, the meteor's glowing mass speeds / And wet thunderstorm pours forth upon the earth.--> * I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. ** Supposedly in ''The Suppliants'' [https://archive.org/search?query=%22shall+find+scholars+later+to+demonstrate%22&sin=TXT&sort=date] ** Also attributed to [[Frederick the Great]] of Prussia {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ἄριστον ἀνδρὶ κτῆμα συμπαθὴς γυνή. ** Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife. ** Hippothoon, frg. 3a TrGF; misattributed to Euripides due to a confusion in Stobaeus, ''Anthology'', IV.22.13–14 ([https://archive.org/details/tragicorum-graecorum-fragmenta-volume-5-euripides/page/266/mode/2up R. Kannicht, 2004:266]). * Account no man happy till he dies. ** [[Sophocles]], ''Oedipus Rex'' l. 1529 ** Cf. [[Herodotus]], bk. 1 ch. 32: But refrain from calling him fortunate before he dies; call him lucky. (tr. A. D. Godley, 1920) * Circumstances rule men and not men circumstances. ** [[Herodotus]], Book 7, Ch. 49; Misattributed to Euripides in "The Imperial Four" by Professor Creasy in ''Bentley's Miscellany'' Vol. 33 (January 1853), p. 22 ** Variant translation: Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. * Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad. ** Anonymous ancient proverb, wrongly attributed to Euripides. The version here is quoted as a "heathen proverb" in ''Daniel, a Model for Young Men'' (1854) by William Anderson Scott. The origin of the misattribution to Euripides is unknown. Several variants are quoted in ancient texts, as follows. ** Variants and derived paraphrases: *** For cunningly of old <br>was the celebrated saying revealed: <br>evil sometimes seems good <br>to a man whose mind <br>a god leads to destruction. **** Sophocles, ''Antigone'' 620-3, a play pre-dating any of Euripides' surviving plays. An ancient commentary explains the passage as a paraphrase of the following, from another, earlier poet. *** When a god plans harm against a man, <br> he first damages the mind of the man he is plotting against. **** Quoted in the ''scholia vetera'' to Sophocles' ''Antigone'' 620ff., without attribution. The meter (iambic trimeter) suggests that the source of the quotation is a tragic play. *** For whenever the anger of divine spirits harms someone, <br>it first does this: it steals away his mind <br>and good sense, and turns his thought to foolishness,''' <br>so that he should know nothing of his mistakes. **** Attributed to "some of the old poets" by [[w:Lycurgus of Athens|Lycurgus of Athens]] in his ''Oratio In Leocratem'' [''Oration Against Leocrates''], section 92. Again, the meter suggests that the source is a tragic play. These lines are misattributed to the much earlier semi-mythical statesman [[w:Lycurgus of Sparta|Lycurgus of Sparta]] in a footnote of recent editions of ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' and other works. *** The gods do nothing until they have blinded the minds of the wicked. **** Variant in ''''Dictionary of Quotations (Classical)'' (1906), compiled by Thomas Benfield Harbottle, p. 433. *** Whom Fortune wishes to destroy she first makes mad.''' **** [[Publilius Syrus]], Maxim 911 *** The devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind. **** As quoted by [[w:Athenagoras of Athens|Athenagoras of Athens]] in ''Legatio Pro Christianis''. *** ''quem Iuppiter vult perdere, dementat prius.'' **** "Whom Jupiter wishes to destroy, he first sends mad"; neo-Latin version. Similar wording is found in [[w:James Duport|James Duport]]'s ''Homeri Gnomologia'' (1660), p. 234. "A maxim of obscure origin which may have been invented in Cambridge about 1640" -- Taylor, ''The Proverb'' (1931). Probably a variant of the line "He whom the gods love dies young", derived from [[Menander]]'s play ''The Double Deceiver'' via [[Plautus]] (''Bacchides'' 816-7). *** ''quem'' (or ''quos'') ''Deus perdere vult, dementat prius.'' **** Whom God wishes to destroy, he first sends mad. *** '''Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.''' **** This variant is spoken by [[w:Prometheus|Prometheus]], in ''The Masque of Pandora'' (1875) by [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] *** Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. **** As quoted in ''George Fox Interpreted: The Religion, Revelations, Motives and Mission of George Fox'' (1881) by Thomas Ellwood Longshore, p. 154 *** Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad. **** As quoted in ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' 16th edition (1992) *** Nor do the gods appear in warrior's armour clad <br> To strike them down with sword and spear <br> Those whom they would destroy <br> They first make mad. **** Bhartṛhari, 7th c. AD; as quoted in John Brough, ''Poems from the Sanskrit'', (1968), p, 67 *** ''vināśakāle viparītabuddhiḥ'' **** Sanskrit Saying (also in ''Jatak katha''): "When a man is to be destroyed, his intelligence becomes self-destructive." ** Modern derivatives: The proverb's meaning is changed in many English versions from the 20th and 21st centuries that start with the proverb's first half (through "they") and then end with a phrase that replaces "first make mad" or "make mad." Such versions can be found at Internet search engines by using either of the two keyword phrases that are on Page 2 and Page 4 of the webpage "[http://www.bu.edu/av/celop2/not_ESL/pick_any_wrong_card.pdf Pick any Wrong Card]." The rest of that webpage is frameworks that induce a reader to compose new variations on this proverb. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Euripides == * Σοφοκλῆς ἔφη αὐτὸς μὲν οἵους δεῖ ποιεῖν, Εὐριπίδην δὲ οἷοι εἰσίν. ** [[Sophocles]] said that he drew men as they ought to be; Euripides, as they are. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Poetics'', ch. 25; 1460b33–34 (tr. S. H. Butcher) * I could not bear Euripides at college. I now read my recantation. He has faults undoubtedly. But what a poet! The [[w:Medea (play)|Medea]], the [[w:Alcestis (play)|Alcestis]], the [[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]], the [[w:The Bacchae|Bacchæ]], are alone sufficient to place him in the very first rank. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to Thomas Flower Ellis (8 February 1835), quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 431 * The [[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]] is one of the very finest plays in the Greek language. Among those of Euripides, I should place it next to the Medea and the Bacchæ. It has some very real faults; but it possesses that strong human interest which neither [[Aeschylus|Æschylus]] nor [[Sophocles]],—poets in many respects far superior to Euripides,—ever gave to their dramas. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 474 * The Bacchæ is a most glorious play. I doubt whether it be not superior to the Medea. It is often very obscure; and I am not sure that I fully understand its general scope. But, as a piece of language, it is hardly equalled in the world. And, whether it was intended to encourage or to discourage fanaticism, the picture of fanatical excitement which it exhibits has never been rivalled. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), pp. 474-475 * ''Sed longe clarius inlustraverunt hoc opus Sophocles atque Euripides, quorum in dispari dicendi via uter sit poeta melior inter plurimos quaeritur. Idque ego sane, quoniam ad praesentem materiam nihil pertinet, iniudicatum relinquo. Illud quidem nemo non fateatur necesse est, iis qui se ad agendum comparant utiliorem longe fore Euripiden. Namque is et sermone'' [. . .] ''magis accedit oratorio generi, et sententiis densus, et in iis quae a sapientibus tradita sunt paene ipsis par, et in dicendo ac respondendo cuilibet eorum qui fuerunt in foro diserti comparandus, in adfectibus vero cum omnibus mirus, tum in iis qui miseratione constant facile praecipuus.'' ** But far more distinction was brought to this genre (sc. tragedy) by Sophocles and Euripides. Their styles are very different, and there is much dispute as to which is the better poet. I leave this question unresolved, because it has nothing to do with my present subject. What everybody must admit is that Euripides will be much the more useful to persons preparing themselves to plead in court. His language [. . .] is closer to the norm of oratory; he is full of striking thoughts, and almost a match for the philosophers in expressing their teaching; his technique of speech and debate is comparable to that of anyone who has been famous for eloquence in the courts; and finally he is marvellous at expressing any emotion, and far and away the supreme master of the power to arouse pity. ** [[Quintilian]], ''{{w|Institutio Oratoria}}'', X.1.67–68 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/quintilian-orators_education/2002/pb_LCL127.287.xml D. A. Russell, 2002]) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat|Euripides}} {{wikisource author|Euripides}} * {{gutenberg author| id=Euripides | name=Euripides}} * [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/eb11-euripides.html Article in ''Encyclopaedia Britannica'' (11th edition) at Fordham University] * [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/vor?x=0&y=0&lookup=Euripides Euripides-related materials at the Perseus Digital Library] * [http://www.theatrehistory.com/ancient/euripides001.html "Euripedes and His Tragedies" at TheatreHistory.com] * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0262381/ IMDBs List of movies based on Euripides plays] * [https://www.ellopos.net/elpenor/greek-texts/ancient-greece/euripides.asp Euripides Resources] {{DEFAULTSORT:Euripides}} [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:Playwrights from Greece]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Athens]] fe97fx2t4iewyum3oujzrzrfiloikih 3944803 3944800 2026-05-24T10:43:45Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 Greek, references 3944803 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Euripides Pio-Clementino Inv302.jpg|thumb|right|In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side.]] '''[[w:Euripides|Euripides]]''' (Greek: Εὐριπίδης; c. [[480 BC]]–[[406 BC]]) was a [[:Category:Authors|Greek playwright]]. == Quotes == * Yet do I hold that mortal foolish who strives against the stress of necessity. ** [[w:Herakles (Euripides)|''Hercules Furens'']], l. 281 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * O lady, nobility is thine, and thy form is the reflection of thy nature! ** [[w:Ion (play)|''Ion'']]<!--"Gon."--> (''c''. 421-408 BC) l. 238 (tr. E. F. Burr, 1880)<!--''Dio, the Athenian; or, From Olympus to Calvary'' (New York: Phillips & Hunt, 1880, ch. 17 epigraph (p. 385); also in J. K. Hoyt and Anna L. Ward, ''The Cyclopædia of Practical Quotations'' (New York: I. K. Funk & Co., 1882), p. 290--> * Authority is never without hate. ** ''Ion'' (c. 421-408 BC) l. ? (tr. Ronald F. Willetts, 1958) * '''Slight not what's near through aiming at what's far.''' ** [[w:Rhesus (play)|''Rhesus'']] (''c''. 435 BC) l. 482 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * '''Helen''': What happened in my heart, to make me leave my home<br />And my own land, to follow where a stranger led?<br />Rail at the goddess; be more resolute than Zeus,<br />Who holds power over all other divinities<br />But is himself the slave of love. Show Aphrodite<br />Your indignation; me, pardon and sympathy.<br />'''Hecabe''': No; Paris was an extremely handsome man – one look,<br />And your appetite became your Aphrodite. Why,<br />Men's lawless lusts are all called love – it's a confusion<br />Easily made. ** ''[[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]]'' (c. 415 BC), ll. 946–950 and 987–990 (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1954) === [[w:Cyclops (play)|''Cyclops'']] (Undated) === * ἁγὼ οὔτινι θύω πλὴν ἐμοί, θεοῖσι δ᾿ οὔ, <br> καὶ τῇ μεγίστῃ, γαστρὶ τῇδε, δαιμόνων. ** I sacrifice to no god save myself — <br> And to my belly, greatest of deities. ** ll. 334–335 (ed. [[w:Burton Egbert Stevenson|B. E. Stevenson]], 1948<!--''The Home Book of Proverbs, Maxims and Familiar Phrases'' (New York: Macmillan Co., 1948) p. 165-->) **: To what other God but to myself <br/> And this great belly, first of deities, <br/> Should I be bound to sacrifice? <br/> (tr. [[Percy Bysshe Shelley|P. B. Shelley]], wr. 1819; pub. 1824) === ''[[w:Alcestis|Alcestis]]'' (438 BC) === [[File:Alcestis and Admetus Ancient Roman fresco (45–79 AD) from the Augusteum-Basilica, Herculaneum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. <br> We all of us are debtors unto death.]] * Οὔποτε φήσω γάμον εὐφραίνειν <br> πλέον ἢ λυπεῖν. ** Never say that marriage has more of joy than pain. ** l. 238, Chorus-Leader (tr. Dudley Fitts and Robert Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐχθρὰ γὰρ ἡ 'πιοῦσα μητρυιὰ τέκνοις <br> τοῖς πρόσθ᾽, ἐχίδνης οὐδὲν ἠπιωτέρα. ** A second wife <br> is hateful to the children of the first, <br> a viper is not more hateful. ** l. 309, Alcestis (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Εἰ δ᾽ Ὀρφέως μοι γλῶσσα καὶ μέλος παρῆν, <br> ὥστ᾽ ἢ κόρην Δήμητρος ἢ κείνης πόσιν <br> ὕμνοισι κηλήσαντά σ᾽ ἐξ Ἅιδου λαβεῖν, <br> κατῆλθον ἄν, καί μ᾽ οὔθ᾽ ὁ Πλούτωνος κύων <br> οὔθ᾽ οὑπὶ κώπῃ ψυχοπομπὸς ἂν Χάρων <br> ἔσχον, πρὶν ἐς φῶς σὸν καταστῆσαι βίον. ** '''Oh, if I had [[w:Orpheus|Orpheus]]' voice and poetry <br>with which to move the Dark Maid and her Lord, <br>I'd call you back, dear love, from the world below.''' <br>I'd go down there for you. Charôn or the grim <br>King's dog could not prevent me then <br>from carrying you up into the fields of light. ** l. 358, Admetus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) **: Had I the tongue, the tuneful yoice of Orpheus to charm Demeter's daughter or her husband by my lay and bring thee back from Hades, I had gone down, nor Pluto's hound, nor Charon, ferryman of souls, whose hand is on the oar, had held me back, till to the light I had restored thee alive. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * Οὐ γάρ τι πρῶτος οὐδὲ λοίσθιος βροτῶν <br> γυναικὸς ἐσθλῆς ἤμπλακες: γίγνωσκε δὲ <br> ὡς πᾶσιν ἡμῖν κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται. ** Thou art by no means the first nor yet shalt be the last of men to lose a wife of worth; know this, we all of us are debtors unto death. ** l. 416<!--415-->, Chorus-Leader (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Thou shalt not be the last, nor yet the first, <br> To lose a noble wife. Be brave, and know <br> To die is but a debt that all men owe. <br> (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1915) **: Not first of mortals thou, nor shalt be last <br> To lose a noble wife; and, be thou sure, <br> From us, from all, this debt is due — to die. <br> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: You are neither the first nor the last of mortals <br> to lose a noble wife; understand that <br> everyone is obliged to die. <br> (tr. Ruby Blondell, 1999<!--''Women On the Edge: Four Plays'' (Routledge, 1999)-->) * Κούφα σοι χθὼν ἐπάνωθε πέσοι. ** Light be the earth upon you, lightly rest. ** l. 462, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--Thus petitions the Chorus over the dead body of the heroine, untimely rapt away. Cf. [[Martial]], 9, 30, 11: ''Sit tibi terra levis'' (abbrev. ''S.T.T.L.'')—"May earth lie light upon thee." Common funeral inscription. [[Ovid]], in the same spirit, prays for the repose of [[Tibullus]], ''Amores, 3, 9, 67), ''Ossa quieta precor tuta requiescite in urna, / Et sit humus cineri non onerosa tuo.''—"Inurned in peace, may thy bones rest, I pray; / And on thy ashes earth no burden lay." —''Classical and Foreign Quotations'' (1904) no. 2578--><!--Cf. [[Beaumont and Fletcher#The Maid's Tragedy (c. 1609; published 1619|Beaumont and Fletcher]], ''[[w:The Maid's Tragedy|The Maid's Tragedy]]'' (c. 1609), act 2, sc. 2. [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], ''Elegy to the Memory of an Unfortunate Lady'' (1717, '20), ll. 64–5. [[Oscar Wilde|Wilde]], ''Requiescat'' (1881)--> * Μάτην ἄρ᾽ οἱ γέροντες εὔχονται θανεῖν, <br> γῆρας ψέγοντες καὶ μακρὸν χρόνον βίου: <br> ἢν δ᾽ ἐγγὺς ἔλθῃ θάνατος, οὐδεὶς βούλεται <br> θνῄσκειν, τὸ γῆρας δ᾽ οὐκέτ᾽ ἔστ᾽ αὐτοῖς βαρύ. ** Old men's prayers for death are lying prayers, in which they abuse old age and long extent of life. But when death draws near, not one is willing to die, and age no longer is a burden to them. ** l. 669, Admetus (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * Κακῶς ἀκούειν οὐ μέλει θανόντι μοι. ** Dishonour will not trouble me, once I am dead. ** l. 726, Pheres (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960)<!--"When I am gone, I care not what men say." (tr. David Kovacs, 1994)--> * Βροτοῖς ἅπασι κατθανεῖν ὀφείλεται, <br> κοὐκ ἔστι θνητῶν ὅστις ἐξεπίσταται <br> τὴν αὔριον μέλλουσαν εἰ βιώσεται: <br> τὸ τῆς τύχης γὰρ ἀφανὲς οἷ προβήσεται, <br> κἄστ᾽ οὐ διδακτὸν οὐδ᾽ ἁλίσκεται τέχνῃ. ** Death is the common debt of man; no mortal really knows if he will live to see the morrow's light; for Fortune's issues are not in our ken, beyond the teacher's rule they lie, no art can master them. ** ll. 783-6, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--"No one can confidently say that he will still be living tomorrow." (tr. Robert and Mary Collison, 1980); ''Dictionary of Foreign Quotations'' (New York: Facts on File, 1980) p. 114--> * Τὸν καθ᾽ ἡμέραν <br> βίον λογίζου σόν, τὰ δ᾽ ἄλλα τῆς τύχης. ** Count the present day thine own, the rest to Fortune yield. ** l. 788, Heracles (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Today's today. Tomorrow we may be<br>Ourselves gone down the drain of Eternity. <br> (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Ἐγὼ καὶ διὰ μούσας <br> καὶ μετάρσιος ᾖξα, καὶ <br> πλείστων ἁψάμενος λόγων <br> κρεῖσσον οὐδὲν Ἀνάγκας. ** '''I have found power in the mysteries of thought, <br> Exaltation in the changing of the Muses; <br> I have been versed in the reasonings of men; <br> But Fate is stronger than anything I have known.''' ** ll. 962–65, Chorus (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) * Χρόνος μαλάξει, νῦν δ᾽ ἔθ᾽ ἡβάσκει, κακόν. ** Time cancels young pain. ** l. 1085, Heracles (tr. Fitts and Fitzgerald, 1960) === ''[[w:Medea (play)|Medea]]'' (431 BC) === :<small><!--Greek text: David Kovacs (ed.) [https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text.jsp?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0113%3Acard%3D1 online] at [[w:Perseus Digital Library|''Perseus Digital Library'']]--></small> [[File:Relief of Medea and the Peliades Antikensammlung Berlin.jpg|thumb|A herb most bruised is woman.]] * Ἥπερ μεγίστη γίγνεται σωτηρία, <br> ὅταν γυνὴ πρὸς ἄνδρα μὴ διχοστατῇ. ** The greatest safeguard this when wife and husband do agree. *** ll. 14–15, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Surely this doth bind, <br> Through all ill days, the hurts of humankind, <br> When man and woman in one music move. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1906) * Νέα γὰρ φροντὶς οὐκ ἀλγεῖν φιλεῖ. ** The soul of the young is no friend to sorrow. *** l. 48, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Παλαιὰ καινῶν λείπεται κηδευμάτων. ** Old ties give way to new. *** ll. 76, Attendant (tr. Coleridge) * Ἀπωλόμεσθ᾽ ἄρ᾽, εἰ κακὸν προσοίσομεν <br> νέον παλαιῷ, πρὶν τόδ᾽ ἐξηντληκέναι. ** Undone are we, if to old woes fresh ones we add, ere we have drained the former to the dregs. *** ll. 78–79, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Τῶν γὰρ μετρίων πρῶτα μὲν εἰπεῖν <br> τοὔνομα νικᾷ, χρῆσθαί τε μακρῷ <br> λῷστα βροτοῖσιν. ** Moderate fortune has a name that is fairest on the tongue, and in practice it is by far the most beneficial thing for mortals. *** ll. 125–27, Nurse (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) * Τὰ δ᾽ ὑπερβάλλοντ᾽ <br> οὐδένα καιρὸν δύναται θνητοῖς, <br> μείζους δ᾽ ἄτας, ὅταν ὀργισθῇ <br> δαίμων οἴκοις, ἀπέδωκεν. ** But greatness that doth o'erreach itself, brings no blessing to mortal men; but pays a penalty of greater ruin whenever fortune is wroth with a family. *** ll. 127–30, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Καίτοι τάδε μὲν κέρδος ἀκεῖσθαι <br> μολπαῖσι βροτούς. ** This were surely a gain, to heal men's wounds by music's spell. *** ll. 199–200, Nurse (tr. Coleridge) * Χρὴ δὲ ξένον μὲν κάρτα προσχωρεῖν πόλει. ** A stranger most of all should adopt a city's views. *** l. 222, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πάντων δ᾽ ὅσ᾽ ἔστ᾽ ἔμψυχα καὶ γνώμην ἔχει<br />γυναῖκές ἐσμεν ἀθλιώτατον φυτόν:<br />ἃς πρῶτα μὲν δεῖ χρημάτων ὑπερβολῇ<br />πόσιν πρίασθαι, δεσπότην τε σώματος [...]<br />κἀν τῷδ᾽ ἀγὼν μέγιστος, ἢ κακὸν λαβεῖν<br />ἢ χρηστόν. ** Of all things that have life and sense we women are the most hapless creatures; first must we buy a husband at an exorbitant price, and o'er ourselves a tyrant set which is an evil worse than the first; and herein lies the most important issue, whether bur choice be good or bad. *** ll. 230–33, 235–36, Medea (tr. Coleridge) **: <!--&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Oh,<br />-->Of all things upon earth that bleed and grow, <br /> A herb most bruised is woman. We must pay <br /> Our store of gold, hoarded for that one day, <br /> To buy us some man's love; and lo, they bring <br /> A master of our flesh! There comes the sting <br /> Of the whole shame. And then the jeopardy, <br /> For good or ill, what shall that master be. <br /> (tr. Gilbert Murray) <!-- **: Thus is it, of all beings, that have life <br /> And sense, we women are most wretched; first <br /> With all our dearest treasures we must buy <br /> A husband, and in him receive a lord: <br /> And hardship this: a greater hardship yet <br /> Awaits us; here's the question, if this lord <br /> Prove gentle, or a tyrant. <br /> (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|Robert Potter]], 1781, 1814; ''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (London, 1814) vol. 1 of 2) **: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But sure among all those <br /> Who have with breath and reason been endued. <br /> We women are the most unhappy race, <br /> First with abundant gold are we constrain'd <br /> To buy a husband, and in him receive <br /> A haughty master. Still doth there remain <br /> One mischief than this mischief yet more grievous. <br /> The hazard whether we. procure a mate <br /> Worthless or virtuous. <br /> (tr. [[w:Michael Wodhull|Michael Wodhull]], 1782, 1809; ''The Nineteen Tragedies and Fragments of Euripides'' (London, 1809) vol. 1 of 3) **: But of all things as many as have life and intellect, we women are the most wretched race. Who indeed first must purchase a husband with excess of money, and receive him a lord of our persons; for this is a still greater ill than the former. And in this is the greatest risk, whether we receive a bad one or a good one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|Theodore A. Buckley]], 1858; ''The tragedies of Euripides'' (London: Henry G. Bohn, 1858) vol. 1) **: Surely, of creatures that have life and wit, <br /> We women are of all things wretchedest, <br /> Who, first, must needs, as buys the highest bidder, <br /> Thus buy a husband, and our body's master <br /> So win—for deeper depth of ill is this. <br /> Nay, risk is dire herein, — or shall we gain <br /> An evil lord or good? <br /> (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894) **: We women are the most unfortunate creatures. <br /> Firstly, with an excess of wealth it is required <br /> For us to buy a husband and take for our bodies <br /> A master; for not to take one is even worse. <br /> And now the question is serious whether we take <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. [[w:Rex Warner|Rex Warner]], 1944) **: Surely, of all creatures that have life and will, we women <br /> Are the most wretched. When, for an extravagant sum, <br /> We have bought a husband, we must then accept him as <br /> Possessor of our body. This is to aggravate <br /> Wrong with worse wrong. Then the great question: will the man <br /> We get be bad or good? <br /> (tr. [[w:Philip Vellacott|Philip Vellacott]], 1963) **: Of all creatures that live and have understanding <br /> We women are the wretchedest breed alive; <br /> First, we must use excessive amounts of cash <br /> To buy our husbands, and what we get are masters <br /> Of our bodies. This is the worst pain of all. <br /> In fact, this is no small struggle, whether he’ll be <br /> A good or bad one. <br /> (tr. A. J. Podlecki, 1989, 1996; Focus Classical Library) **: Of all creatures that have breath and sensation, we women are the most unfortunate. First at an exorbitant price we must buy a husband and master of our bodies. [This misfortune is more painful than misfortune.] And the outcome of our life's striving hangs on this, whether we take a bad or a good husband. <br /> (tr. David Kovacs, 1994) **: Of all creatures that have life and reason we women are the most miserable of specimens! In the first place, at great expense we must buy a husband, taking a master to play tyrant with our bodies (this is an injustice that crowns the other one). And here lies the crucial issue for us, whether we get a good man or a bad. <br /> (tr. John Davie, 1996; ''Medea and Other Plays'' (Penguin Books, 1996, 2003)) **: Of all creatures that live and understand,<br />we women suffer most.<br />In the first place we must, for a vast sum,<br />buy a husband; what’s worse,<br />with him our bodies get a master.<br />And here’s what’s most at stake:<br />Did we get a man who’s good or bad?<br />(tr. Rachel Kitzinger, 2016; ''The Greek Plays: Sixteen Plays by Aeschylus, Sophocles, and Euripides'' (Modern Library, 2016))--> * Ὡς τρὶς ἂν παρ᾿ ἀσπίδα <br> στῆναι θέλοιμ᾿ ἂν μᾶλλον ἢ τεκεῖν ἅπαξ. ** I would gladly take my stand in battle array three times o'er, than once give birth. *** ll. 250–51, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Κρεῖσσον δέ μοι νῦν πρός σ᾽ ἀπεχθέσθαι, γύναι, <br> ἢ μαλθακισθένθ᾽ ὕστερον μεταστένειν. ** 'Tis better for me to incur thy hatred now, lady, than to soften my heart and bitterly repent it hereafter. ** ll. 290–91, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ γὰρ ὀξύθυμος, ὡς δ᾽ αὔτως ἀνήρ, <br> ῥᾴων φυλάσσειν ἢ σιωπηλὸς σοφή. ** For cunning woman, and man likewise, is easier to guard against when quick-tempered than when taciturn. *** ll. 319–20, Creon (tr. Coleridge) * Φεῦ φεῦ, βροτοῖς ἔρωτες ὡς κακὸν μέγα. ** Ah me! ah me! to mortal man how dread a scourge is love! *** l. 330, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πρὸς δὲ καὶ πεφύκαμεν<br />γυναῖκες, ἐς μὲν ἔσθλ᾽ ἀμηχανώταται,<br />κακῶν δὲ πάντων τέκτονες σοφώταται. ** We are women, unable to perform noble deeds, but most skilful architects of every sort of harm. *** l. 407, Medea (tr. Kovacs)<!--tr. David Kovacs, ''Perseus Digital Library'': "We are women, unable to perform great deeds of valor, but most skilful architects of every evil."--> * Ἄνω ποταμῶν ἱερῶν χώρονσι παγαί. ** The fountains of sacred rivers flow upwards. *** l. 410<!--409-->, Chorus (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 468-->)<!--Also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922) p. 675 (''i.e.'' everything is turned topsy turvy).--> * Δεινή τις ὀργὴ καὶ δυσίατος πέλει, <br> ὅταν φίλοι φίλοισι συμβάλωσ᾽ ἔριν. ** There is a something terrible and past all cure, when quarrels arise 'twixt those who are near and dear. *** ll. 520–21, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Χρῆν τἄρ᾽ ἄλλοθέν ποθεν βροτοὺς <br> παῖδας τεκνοῦσθαι, θῆλυ δ᾽ οὐκ εἶναι γένος: <br> χοὔτως ἂν οὐκ ἦν οὐδὲν ἀνθρώποις κακόν. ** Men should have begotten children from some other source, no female race existing; thus would no evil ever have fallen on mankind. *** ll. 573–76 (tr. Coleridge) * Ἐμοὶ γὰρ ὅστις ἄδικος ὢν σοφὸς λέγειν <br> πέφυκε, πλείστην ζημίαν ὀφλισκάνει. ** To me a wicked man who is also eloquent seems the most guilty of them all. *** ll. 580–81, Medea (tr. Philip Vellacott, 1963) * Κακοῦ γὰρ ἀνδρὸς δῶρ᾽ ὄνησιν οὐκ ἔχει. ** The gifts of a bad man bring no good with them. *** l. 618, Medea (tr. [[w:Morris H. Morgan|Morris H. Morgan]]<!--''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892; 13th ed. 1937-->)<!--Other translations: (1) ''The Hecuba, Orestes, Phœnician Virgins, and Medea, of Euripides; Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (Oxford: for D. A. Talboys, 1820), p. 214: "For the gifts of a bad man bring no assistance." (2) T. W. C. Edwards, ''The Medea, Literally Translated into English Prose, from the Text of Porson'' (London: Simpkin, Marshall, and Co., 1840: "For the gifts of a bad man have no avail."--> * Ἔρωτες ὑπὲρ μὲν ἄγαν ἐλθόντες οὐκ εὐδοξίαν <br /> οὐδ᾽ ἀρετὰν παρέδωκαν ἀνδράσιν. ** When love is in excess it brings a man nor honor nor any worthiness. *** ll. 627–28, Chorus (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) * Στέργοι δέ με σωφροσύνα, δώρημα κάλλιστον θεῶν. ** Moderation, the noblest gift of Heaven. *** l. 636, Chorus (tr. [[Georgiana Chatterton#Translations|Georgiana Chatterton]], 1863)<!--''The Heiress and Her Lovers'' (London: Richard Bentley, 1863), vol. 2 (front matter); cited in ''Bartlett's'', 1892--> * Ὦ πατρίς, ὦ δώματα, μὴ <br> δῆτ᾽ ἄπολις γενοίμαν <br> τὸν ἀμηχανίας ἔχουσα <br> δυσπέρατον αἰῶ, <br> οἰκτρότατόν <γ᾽> ἀχέων. ** O my country, O my own dear home! God grant I may never be an outcast from my city, leading that cruel helpless life, whose every day is misery. *** ll. 645–49, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) * Μό- <br /> χθων δ᾽ οὐκ ἄλλος ὕπερθεν ἢ <br /> γᾶς πατρίας στέρεσθαι. ** Of troubles none is greater than to be robbed of one’s native land. *** l. 651<!--653-->, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) **: For nothing is like the sorrow or supersedes the sadness of losing your native land. (tr. [[w:Paul Roche|Paul Roche]], 1974) * Οὐ γὰρ γελᾶσθαι τλητὸν ἐξ ἐχθρῶν. ** I cannot endure the taunts of enemies. *** l. 797, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Γυνὴ δὲ θῆλυ κἀπὶ δακρύοις ἔφυ. ** Woman is a weak creature, ever given to tears. *** l. 934, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Πείθειν δῶρα καὶ θεοὺς λόγος. ** It is said that gifts persuade even the gods. *** l. 964, Medea (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--W. Gurney Benham, ''A Book of Quotations'' (1907), p. 470-->)<!--also in ''Hoyt's'' (1922), p. 311--> * Χρυσὸς δὲ κρείσσων μυρίων λόγων βροτοῖς. ** O'er men's minds gold holds more potent sway than countless words. *** l. 965, Medea (tr. Coleridge) * Καὶ μανθάνω μὲν οἷα τολμήσω κακά, <br /> θυμὸς δὲ κρείσσων τῶν ἐμῶν βουλευμάτων, <br> ὅσπερ μεγίστων αἴτιος κακῶν βροτοῖς. ** I know, indeed, the evil of that I purpose; but my inclination gets the better of my judgment. *** ll. 1078–80, Medea (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--At last I understand the awful deed I am to do; but passion, that cause of direst woes to mortal man, hath triumphed o'er my sober thoughts. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * θνητῶν γὰρ οὐδείς ἐστιν εὐδαίμων ἀνήρ. ** Amongst mortals no man is happy. *** l. 1228, Messenger (tr. Coleridge) * Χαλεπὰ γὰρ βροτοῖς ὁμογενῆ μιά-<br>σματ᾽, ἕπεται δ᾽ ἅμ᾽ αὐτοφόνταις ξυνῳ-<br>δὰ θεόθεν πίτνοντ᾽ ἐπὶ δόμοις ἄχη. ** Grievous for mortals is the stain of kindred blood. For the murderers are dogged by woes harmonious with their deeds, sent by the gods upon their houses. *** ll. 1268–70, Chorus (tr. Kovacs) * Τῶν δ᾽ ἀδοκήτων πόρον ηὗρε θεός. ** For the unlooked-for god finds out a way. *** l. 1418, Chorus (tr. Coleridge) === [[w:Children of Heracles|''Heraclidae'']] (c. 430 BC) === * τίς ἂν δίκην κρίνειεν ἢ γνοίη λόγον, <br> πρὶν ἂν παρ᾿ ἀμφοῖν μῦθον ἐκμάθῃ σαφῶς; ** Who can decide a plea or judge a speech until he has heard plainly from both sides? ** ll. 179–180 (tr. David Kovacs) <!--quoted by [[Aristophanes]] in ''The Wasps''--> **: In case of dissension, never dare to judge till you've heard the other side. —''Forbes'', vol. 86 no. 10 (15 Nov. 1960) p. 70 * μάλιστ᾿ Ἄρης στυγεῖ <br> μέλλοντας. ** Ares hates those who hesitate. ** ll. 722–723 (ed. H. L. Mencken, 1942, '60)<!--H. L. Mencken, ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles'' (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1942; 1960)--> **: Ares hates the sluggard most of all. (tr. David Kovacs) * πάντα κινῆσαι πέτρον. ** Leave no stone unturned. ** l. 1002 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--cf. [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Butler]], ''Hudibras''--> === ''[[w:Hippolytus (play)|Hippolytus]]'' (428 BC) === [[File:Archaeologische Hermeneutik; Anleitung zur Deutung klassischer Bildwerke (1919) (14758094276).jpg|thumb|Αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser.]] * τίς δ᾿ οὐ σεμνὸς ἀχθεινὸς βροτῶν; ** Reserve in man is ever galling. ** l. 94, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * πᾶς δ᾿ ὀδυνηρὸς βίος ἀνθρώπων <br> κοὐκ ἔστι πόνων ἀνάπαυσις. ** Man's whole life is full of anguish; no respite from his woes he finds. ** ll. 189–90, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * μοχθεῖν δὲ βροτοῖσιν ἀνάγκη. ** Suffering for mortals is nature's iron law. ** l. 207, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * το γὰρ ὀρθοῦσθαι γνώμην ὀδυνᾷ, <br> τὸ δὲ μαινόμενον κακόν· ἀλλὰ κρατεῖ <br> μὴ γιγνώσκοντ᾿ ἀπολέσθαι. ** Tis painful coming to one's senses again, and madness, evil though it be, has this advantage, that one has no knowledge of reason's overthrow. ** ll. 247–49, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * χρῆν γὰρ μετρίας εἰς ἀλλήλους <br> φιλίας θνητοὺς ἀνακίρνασθαι <br> καὶ μὴ πρὸς ἄκρον μυελὸν ψυχῆς. ** Mortal men should pledge themselves to moderate friendships only, not to such as reach the very heart's core. ** ll. 253–55, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * οὕτω τὸ λίαν ἧσσον ἐπαινῶ <br> τοῦ μηδὲν ἄγαν. ** I do not praise excess so much as moderation. ** ll. 264–65, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * ὅταν γὰρ αἰσχρὰ τοῖσιν ἐσθλοῖσιν δοκῇ, <br> ἦ κάρτα δόξει τοῖς κακοῖς γ᾿ εἶναι καλά. ** For when the noble countenance disgrace, poor folk of course will think that it is right. ** ll. 411–12, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--For, when the noble count their shame their good, / The lowly sure will hold it honourable. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * μισῶ δὲ καὶ τὰς σώφρονας μὲν ἐν λόγοις, <br> λάθρᾳ δὲ τόλμας οὐ καλὰς κεκτημένας. ** Those too I hate who make profession of purity, though in secret reckless sinners. ** ll. 413–14, Phaedra (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--And O, I hate the continent-professed / Which treasure secret recklessness of shame. (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)--> * μόνον δὲ τοῦτό φασ᾿ ἁμιλλᾶσθαι βίῳ, <br> γνώμην δικαίαν κἀγαθὴν ὅτῳ παρῇ. ** One thing only, they say, competes in value with life, the possession of a heart blameless and good. ** ll. 426–27, Phaedra (tr. David Kovacs, 1995)<!--Unsourced translation: "There is one thing alone that stands the brunt of life throughout its course: a quiet conscience."--> * τὸ σῶφρον ὡς ἁπανταχοῦ καλὸν <br> καὶ δόξαν ἐσθλὴν ἐν βροτοῖς καρπίζεται. ** How fair is chastity however viewed, whose fruit is good repute amongst men. ** ll. 431–32, Chorus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * κἀν βροτοῖς <br> αἱ δεύτεραί πως φροντίδες σοφώτεραι. ** In this world second thoughts, it seems, are best. ** ll. 435–436, Nurse (tr. [[w:David Grene|David Grene]], 1942<!--''Three Greek Tragedies in Translation'' (University of Chicago Press, 1942), p. 188-->) **: Among mortals second thoughts are the wisest. (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides (Henry G. Bohn, 1850), 2 vols.-->) <br> Second thoughts are ever wiser. (''Bartlett's'', 1892) <br> Among mortals second thoughts are wisest. (''Hoyt's'', 1882<!--p. 419-->)<!--Also in Maturin M. Ballou (ed.) ''Pearls of Thought'' (1881) p. 277--> * ἐν σοφοῖσι γὰρ <br> τάδ᾿ ἐστὶ θνητῶν, λανθάνειν τὰ μὴ καλά. ** 'Tis part of human wisdom to conceal the deed of shame. ** ll. 465–66, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * εἰσὶν δ᾿ ἐπῳδαὶ καὶ λόγοι θελκτήριοι. ** For there are charms and spells to soothe the soul. ** l. 478, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * ὄνασθαι, μὴ μαθεῖν, βούλου, τέκνον. ** Be content with help, not knowledge. ** l. 517, Nurse (tr. Arthur S. Way, 1894)<!--Be content, my child, to profit by it and ask no questions. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * τά τοι κάλ᾿ ἐν πολλοῖσι κάλλιον λέγειν. ** A virtuous tale grows fairer told to many. ** l. 610, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * ἡ γλῶσσ᾿ ὀμώμοχ᾿, ἡ δὲ φρὴν ἀνώμοτος. ** 'Twas but my tongue, 'twas not my soul that swore. ** l. 612, Hippolytus (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1902) **: My tongue an oath did take, but not my heart. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: My tongue swore, but my mind was still unpledged. (tr. David Grene, 1942) * ἁμαρτεῖν εἰκὸς ἀνθρώπους, τέκνον. ** To err is only human, child. ** l. 615, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * πρὸς τὰς τύχας γὰρ τὰς φρένας κεκτήμεθα. ** The credit we get for wisdom is measured by our success. ** l. 701, Nurse (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * δεινὸν σοφιστὴν εἶπας, ὅστις εὖ φρονεῖν <br> τοὺς μὴ φρονοῦντας δυνατός ἐστ᾿ ἀναγκάσαι. ** A very master in his craft the man, who can force fools to be wise! ** ll. 921–22, Hippolytus (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) === [[w:Hecuba (play)|''Hecuba'']] (c. 424 BC) === * ὡς δὲ μὴ μακροὺς τείνω λόγους, <br> εἴ τις γυναῖκας τῶν πρὶν εἴρηκεν κακῶς <br> ἢ νῦν λέγων ἔστιν τις ἢ μέλλει λέγειν, <br> ἅπαντα ταῦτα συντεμὼν ἐγὼ φράσω· <br> γένος γὰρ οὔτε πόντος οὔτε γῆ τρέφει <br> τοιόνδ᾿. ** On behalf of all those dead<br>who learned their hatred of women long ago,<br>for those who hate them now, for those unborn<br>who shall live to hate them yet, I now declare<br>my firm conviction: neither earth nor ocean<br>produces a creature as savage and monstrous<br>as woman. ** ll. 1177–1182 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1956<!--'''Euripides III'' (University of Chicago Press, 1956)-->) **: Let me tell you, if anyone in the past has spoken<br>ill of women, or speaks so now or will speak so<br>in the future, I’ll sum it up for him: Neither sea<br>nor land has ever produced a more monstrous<br>creature than woman.<br>(tr. Jay Kardan and Laura-Gray Street, 2011, in ''Didaskalia'', [https://didaskalia.net/issues/8/32/ vol. 8 no. 32]) === [[w:The Suppliants (Euripides)|''The Suppliants'']] (c. 424–420 BC) === * οὐδὲν τυράννου δυσμενέστερον πόλει, <br> ὅπου τὸ μὲν πρώτιστον οὐκ εἰσὶν νόμοι <br> κοινοί, κρατεῖ δ᾿ εἷς τὸν νόμον κεκτημένος <br> αὐτὸς παρ᾿ αὐτῷ· καὶ τόδ᾿ οὐκέτ᾿ ἔστ᾿ ἴσον. ** Naught is more hostile to a city than a despot; where he is, there are in the first place no laws common to all, but one man is tyrant, in whose keeping and in his alone the law resides, and in that case equality is at an end. ** ll. 429–432 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * οὐδὲν ἥδιον πατρὶ <br> γέροντι θυγατρός. ** For naught is there more sweet unto an aged sire than a daughter's love. ** ll. 1101–1102 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--Unsourced: For nothing is there more sweet unto an aged father than a daughter--> === [[w:Electra (Euripides play)|''Electra'']] (c. 422–416 BC) === * σκοπῶ τὰ χρήμαθ᾿ ὡς ἔχει μέγα σθένος <br> ξένοις τε δοῦναι σῶμά τ᾿ ἐς νόσους πεσὸν <br> δαπάναισι σῶσαι· τῆς δ᾿ ἐφ᾿ ἡμέραν βορᾶς <br> ἐς σμικρὸν ἥκει· πᾶς γὰρ ἐμπλησθεὶς ἀνὴρ <br> ὁ πλούσιός τε χὠ πένης ἴσον φέρει. ** I care for riches, to make gifts <br> To friends, or lead a sick man back to health<br> With ease and plenty. Else small aid is wealth <br> For daily gladness; once a man be done <br> With hunger, rich and poor are all as one. ** ll. 427–431 (tr. Gilbert Murray, 1906)<!--Cited in ''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968--> === [[w:Iphigenia in Tauris|''Iphigenia in Tauris'']] (c. 414 BC) === * τοὺς πόνους γὰρ ἁγαθοὶ <br> τολμῶσι, δειλοὶ δ᾿ εἰσὶν οὐδὲν οὐδαμοῦ. ** A coward turns away, but a brave man's choice is danger. ** l. 114 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) * ἀλλ᾿ ἔστιν, ἔστιν ἡ λίαν δυσπραξία <br> λίαν διδοῦσα μεταβολάς, ὅταν τύχῃ. ** There is in the worst of fortune the best of chances for a happy change. ** ll. 721–722 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) === [[w:Helen (play)|''Helen'']] (412 BC) === * λόγος γάρ ἐστιν οὐκ ἐμός, σοφῶν δέ του <br> δεινῆς ἀνάγκης οὐδὲν ἰσχύειν πλέον. ** Nothing has more strength than dire necessity. ** ll. 513–514 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) * σώφρονος δ᾿ ἀπιστίας <br> οὐκ ἔστιν οὐδὲν χρησιμώτερον βροτοῖς. ** Man's most valuable trait<br>is a judicious sense of what not to believe. ** ll. 1617–1618 (tr. Richmond Lattimore, 1956) **: There is naught more serviceable to mankind than a prudent distrust. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)<!--''The Plays of Euripides'' (London: George Bell & Sons, 1891), 2 vols.--><!--Unsourced: "Nothing is more useful to mankind than a prudent distrust."--> === ''[[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]]'' (408 BC) === [[File:Orestes Pursued by the Furies by William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1862) - Google Art Project.jpg |thumb|right|''The Remorse of Orestes'' by William-Adolphe Bouguereau]] * ἐπικουρίαι γὰρ αἵδε τοῖς φίλοις καλαί. ** Love is all we have, the only way <br> that each can help the other. ** l. 300 (tr. [[w:William Arrowsmith|William Arrowsmith]], 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958)-->)<!--"I must be at thy side and give thee words of comfort; for to help our friends like this is a gracious task." (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891)--> * ΟΡ. δεινὸν οἱ πολλοί, κακούργους ὅταν ἔχωσι προστάτας. <br> ΠΥ. ἀλλ᾿ ὅταν χρηστοὺς λάβωσι, χρηστὰ βουλεύουσ᾿ ἀεί. ** {{smallcaps|Orestes}}: A terrible thing is the mob, when it has villains to lead it. <br> {{smallcaps|Pylades}}: Aye, but with honest leaders its counsels are honest. ** ll. 772–73 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) * ὅταν γὰρ ἡδύς τις λόγοις φρονῶν κακῶς <br> πείθῃ τὸ πλῆθος, τῇ πόλει κακὸν μέγα. ** When one with honeyed words but evil mind<br> Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state. ** ll. 907–908 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/446/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) === ''[[w:The Phoenician Women|Phoenissae]]'' (c. 409 BC) === * δούλου τόδ᾿ εἶπας, μὴ λέγειν ἅ τις φρονεῖν. ** {{smallcaps|Jocasta}}: But this is slavery, not to speak one’s thought. ** l. 392 (tr. Elizabeth Wyckoff, 1958<!--''Euripides IV'' (University of Chicago Press, 1958) p. 472-->) **: Who dares not speak his free thoughts is a slave. (tr. [[w:Robert Potter (translator)|R. Potter]], 1823<!--''The Tragedies of Euripides'' (Oxford: W. Baxter, 1823), 2 vols.-->) * ἁπλοῦς ὁ μῦθος τῆς ἀληθείας ἔφυ, <br> κοὐ ποικίλων δεῖ τἄνδιχ᾿ ἑρμηνευμάτων. ** {{smallcaps|Polyneices}}: The words of truth are simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it hath a fitness in itself. ** ll. 469–470 (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891<!--Revised by George Panagiotou: "The words of truth are naturally simple, and justice needs no subtle interpretations, for it has a fitness in itself."-->) === [[w:Iphigenia in Aulis|''Iphigenia in Aulis'']] (405 BC) === * πᾶσι γάρ μ᾿ Ἕλλησι κοινὸν ἔτεκες, οὐχὶ σοὶ μόνῃ. ** Thou didst bring me forth for all the Greeks in common, not for thyself alone. ** l. 1386 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) === ''[[w:The Bacchae|Bacchae]]'' (405 BC) === [[File:Euripides altes Museum.jpg|thumb|right|Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best.]] * τὸ σοφὸν δ᾿ οὐ σοφία, <br> τό τε μὴ θνατὰ φρονεῖν. ** But cleverness is not wisdom, nor is the thinking on things unfit for mortals. ** ll. 395–396 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced: "Cleverness is not wisdom. And not to think mortal thoughts is to see few days."--> * ΔΙ. ἄρρητ᾿ ἀβακχεύτοισιν εἰδέναι βροτῶν. <br> ΠΕ. ἔχει δ᾿ ὄνησιν τοῖσι θύουσιν τίνα; <br> ΔΙ. οὐ θέμις ἀκοῦσαί σ᾿, ἔστι δ᾿ ἄξι᾿ εἰδέναι. ** {{smallcaps|Dionysus}}: He who believes needs no explanation.<br /> {{smallcaps|Pentheus}}: What's the worth in believing worthless things? <br />{{smallcaps|Dionysus}}: Much worth, but not worth telling you, it seems. ** l. 472–474 (tr. [[w:Colin Teevan|Colin Teevan]], 2002) * δόξει τις ἀμαθεῖ σοφὰ λέγων οὐκ εὖ φρονεῖν. ** Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. ** ll. 479-480 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) **: To the fool, he who speaks wisdom will sound foolish. (''Bartlett's'', 13th ed. 1955) **: He were a fool, methinks, who would utter wisdom to a fool. (tr. E. P. Coleridge, 1891) **: Wise words being brought to blinded eyes will seem as things of nought. (tr. [[Gilbert Murray]], 1902) * ὁρμᾶται μόλις, ἀλλ᾿ ὅμως <br> πιστόν ⟨τι⟩ το θεῖον <br> σθένος. ** Slow but sure moves the might of the gods. ** ll. 882–884 (''Bartlett's'', 14th ed. 1968) **: Slowly but surely withal moveth the might of the gods. (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) * χρηστοῖσι δούλοις συμφορὰ τὰ δεσποτῶν. ** The misfortunes of their masters are a concern to good servants. ** l. 1028 (tr. [[w:Theodore Alois Buckley|T. A. W. Buckley]], 1850)<!--Unsourced translation: "Good slaves [are affected by] the adversities of their masters."--> * τὸ σωφρονεῖν δὲ καὶ σέβειν τὰ τῶν θεῶν <br> κάλλιστον· οἶμαι δ᾿ αὐτὸ καὶ σοφώτατον <br> θνητοῖσιν εἶναι κτῆμα τοῖσι χρωμένοις. ** Humility, a sense of reverence before the sons of heaven — of all the prizes that a mortal man might win, these, I say, are wisest; these are best. ** ll. 1150–1152 (tr. William Arrowsmith, 1958) === Fragments === :<small>Greek text cited from R. Kannicht, ''Tragicorum Graecorum Fragmenta, vol. 5 Euripides'' (Göttingen, 2004).</small> ;''Aegeus'' * κρεῖσσον δὲ πλούτου καὶ βαθυσπόρου χθονός <br> ἀνδρῶν δικαίων κἀγαθῶν ὁμιλίαι. * The company of just and righteous men is better than wealth and a rich estate. ** Frg. 7 (''Bartlett's'', 9th ed. 1892) ;''Aeolus'' * κακὸν γυναῖκα πρὸς νέαν ζεῦξαι νέον· <br> μακρὰ γὰρ ἰσχὺς μᾶλλον ἀρσένων μένει, <br> θήλεια δ᾿ ἥβη θᾶσσον ἐκλείπει δέμας. ** To mate a youth with a young wife is ill; <br> Seeing a man's strength lasteth, while the bloom <br> Of beauty quickly leaves a woman's form. ** Frg. 24 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879<!--''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 289 note-->) * φεῦ φεῦ, παλαιὸς αἶνος ὡς καλῶς ἔχει· <br> γέροντες οὐδέν ἐσμεν ἄλλο πλὴν ὄχλος <br> καὶ σμῆμ᾿, ὀνείρων δ᾿ ἕρπομεν μιμήματα· <br> νοῦς δ᾿ οὐκ ἔνεστιν, οἰόμε⟨σ⟩θα δ᾿ εὖ φρονεῖν. ** Alas, how right the ancient saying is: <br> We, who are old, are nothing else but noise <br> And shape. Like mimicries of dreams we go, <br> And have no wits, although we think us wise. ** Frg. 25 (tr. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--''Oxford Book of Greek Verse in Translation'' (1938) no. 389-->) * κακῆς ἀπ᾿ ἀρχῆς γίγνεται τέλος κακόν. ** A bad beginning makes a bad ending. ** Frg. 32 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὁ χρόνος ἅπαντα τοῖσιν ὕστερον φράσει, <br> †ἄλλος ἐστὶν οὗτος, οὐκ ἐρωτῶσιν λέγει. ** Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. ** Frg. 38a (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alexander'' * παλαιὰ καινοῖς δακρύοις οὐ χρὴ στένειν. ** Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. ** Frg. 46.5 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Alcmene'' * ἀλλ᾿ εὖ φέρειν χρὴ συμφορὰς τὸν εὐγενῆ. ** The nobly born must nobly meet his fate. ** Frg. 98 (''Bartlett's'', 1892)<!--''Noblesse oblige''. — Bohn: ''Foreign Proverbs''--> ;''Alope'' * γυνὴ γυναικὶ σύμμαχος πέφυκέ πως. ** Woman is woman's natural ally. ** Frg. 108 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Andromeda'' * ἀλλ᾿ ἡδύ τοι σωθέντα μεμνῆσθαι πόνων. ** Sweet is the remembrance of troubles when you are in safety. ** Frg. 133 (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 472-->) * ὅσοι γὰρ εἰς ἔρωτα πίπτουσιν βροτῶν, <br> ἐσθλῶν ὅταν τύχωσι τῶν ἐρωμένων, <br> οὐκ ἔσθ᾿ ὁποίας λείπεται τόδ᾿ ἡδονῆς. ** When it befalls poor mortal men to love, <br> Should they find worthy objects for their loving, <br> Then is there nothing left of joy to long for. ** Frg. 138 (tr. J. A. Symonds, 1879) ;''Antiope'' * κέρδος δ᾿ ἐν κακοῖς ἀγνωσία. ** Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. ** Frg. 205.3 (''Bartlett's'', 1892); cf. [[William Davenant|Davenant]] * φῆσίν τις εἶναι δῆτ᾿ ἐν οὐρανῷ θεούς; <br> οὐκ εἰσίν, οὐκ εἴσ᾿, εἴ τις ἀνθρώπων θέλει <br> μὴ τῷ παλαιῷ μῶρος ὢν χρῆσθαι λόγῳ. <br> σκέψασθε δ᾿ αὐτοί, μὴ ᾿πὶ τοῖς ἐμοῖς λόγοις <br> γνώμην ἔχοντες. φῆμ᾿ ἐγὼ τυραννίδα <br> κτείνειν τε πλείστους κτημάτων τ᾿ ἀποστερεῖν <br> ὅρκους τε παραβαίνοντας ἐκπορθεῖν πόλεις· <br> καὶ ταῦτα δρῶντες μᾶλλόν εἰσ᾿ εὐδαίμονες <br> τῶν εὐσεβούντων ἡσυχῇ καθ᾿ ἡμέραν. <br> πόλεις τε μικρὰς οἶδα τιμώσας θεούς, <br> αἳ μειζόνων κλύουσι δυσσεβεστέρων <br> λόγχης ἀριθμῷ πλείονος κρατούμεναι. <br> οἶμαι δ᾿ ἂν ὑμᾶς, εἴ τις ἀργὸς ὢν θεοῖς <br> εὔχοιτο καὶ μὴ χειρὶ συλλέγοι βίον <br> ⟨μαθεῖν ἄν, ὡς οὔκ εἰσιν. αἱ δ᾿ εὐπραξίαι⟩ <br> τὰ θεῖα πυργοῦσ᾿ αἱ κακαί τε συμφοραί. ** Doth some one say that there be gods above? <br/>There are not; no, there are not. Let no fool, <br/>Led by the old false fable, thus deceive you. <br/>Look at the facts themselves, yielding my words <br/>No undue credence: for I say that kings <br/>Kill, rob, break oaths, lay cities waste by fraud, <br/>And doing thus are happier than those <br/>Who live calm pious lives day after day. <br> How many little States that serve the gods <br> Are subject to the godless but more strong, <br> Made slaves by might of a superior army! <br> And you, if any ceased from work and prayed <br> To gods, nor gathered in his livelihood, <br> Would learn gods are not. All Divinity <br> Is built up from our good and evil luck. ** Frg. 286 (tr. [[John Addington Symonds|J. A. Symonds]], 1879; rev. [[Maurice Bowra|C. M. Bowra]], 1938<!--First 11 lines by Symonds, ''Studies of the Greek Poets'', 2nd ser. (2nd ed. 1879) p. 294; completed by Bowra, ''OBGVT'' (1938) no. 391. Greek: ''TGF'', p. 445, no. 286-->) ** Penultimate line missing in the original; conjectural supplement by Herwerden included here. [[File:Ватикан. Еврипид (Euripide) с актерской маской (ант.статуя) ~1859г 2640.jpg|thumb|right|Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account.]] ;[[w:Bellerophon (play)|''Bellerophon'']] * τοῖς πράγμασιν γὰρ οὐχὶ θυμοῦσθαι χρεών· <br> μέλει γὰρ αὐτοῖς οὐδέν· ἀλλ᾿ οὑντυγχάνων <br> τὰ πράγματ᾿ ὀρθῶς ἢν τιθῇ, πράσσει καλῶς. ** Events will take their course, it is no good of being angry at them; he is happiest who wisely turns them to the best account. ** Frg. 287 (tr. [[w:Arthur Richard Shilleto|A. R. Shilleto]], 1888)<!--''Plutarch's Morals: Ethical Essays'' (1888) p. 293--> ;''Hippolytus Veiled'' * αὐτός τι νῦν δρῶν εἶτα δαίμονας κάλει· <br> τῷ γὰρ πονοῦντι καὶ θεὸς ξυλλαμβάνει. ** Try first thyself, and after call in God; <br> For to the worker God himself lends aid. ** Frg. 432 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Licymnius'' * πόνος γάρ, ὡς λέγουσιν, εὐκλείας πατήρ. ** Toil, says the proverb, is the sire of fame. ** Frg. 474 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) [[File:Seated Euripides Louvre Ma343.jpg|thumb|right|When good men die their goodness does not perish, but lives though they are gone. As for the bad, all that was theirs dies and is buried with them.]] ;''Meleager'' * δειλοὶ γὰρ ἄνδρες οὐκ ἔχουσιν ἐν μάχῃ <br> ἀριθμόν, ἀλλ᾿ ἄπεισι κἂν παρῶσ᾿ ὁμοίως. ** Cowards do not count in battle; they are there, but not in it. ** Frg. 519 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ἔνδον μένουσαν τὴν γυναῖκ᾿ εἶναι χρεών <br> ἐσθλήν, θύρασι δ᾿ ἀξίαν τοῦ μηδενός. ** A woman should be good for everything at home, but abroad good for nothing. ** Frg. 521 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Oedipus'' * οὔτοι νόμισμα λευκὸς ἄργυρος μόνον <br> καὶ χρυσός ἐστιν, ἀλλὰ κἀρετὴ βροτοῖς <br> νόμισμα κεῖται πᾶσιν, ᾗ χρῆσθαι χρεών. ** Silver and gold are not the only coin; virtue too passes current all over the world. ** Frg. 542 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Protesilaus'' * δυοῖν λεγόντοιν, θατέρου θυμουμένου, <br> ὁ μὴ ἀντιτείνων τοῖς λόγοις σοφώτερος. ** Where two discourse, if the one's anger rise, <br> The man who lets the contest fall is wise. ** Frg. 654 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/bim_early-english-books-1641-1700_plutarchs-morals-_plutarch_1684/page/n65/mode/2up Anonymous, 1684]) ;''Temenidae'' * ἀρετὴ δὲ κἂν θάνῃ τις οὐκ ἀπόλλυται, <br> ζῇ δ᾿ οὐκέτ᾿ ὄντος σώματος· κακοῖσι δέ <br> ἅπαντα φροῦδα συνθανόνθ᾿ ὑπὸ χθονός. ** When good men die their goodness does not perish, <br> But lives though they are gone. As for the bad, <br> All that was theirs dies and is buried with them. ** Frg. 734 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) ;''Phoenix'' * τοιοῦτός ἐστιν οἷσπερ ἥδεται ξυνών. ** He is like the very men whose company he enjoys. ** Frg. 812.9 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.417.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009]) *** Paraphrased in ''Bartlett's'', 1892: *** Every man is like the company he is wont to keep. * ὦ φιλόζωοι βροτοί, <br> οἳ τὴν ἐπιστείχουσαν ἡμέραν ἰδεῖν <br> ποθεῖτ᾿ ἔχοντες μυρίων ἄχθος κακῶν. <br> οὕτως ἔρως βροτοῖσιν ἔγκειται βίου. ** O ye life-loving mortals,<br/>Who ever long to see the coming day,<br/>Though ye be weighed down with a thousand sorrows!<br/>So strong the yearning of mankind for life. ** Frg. 816.6–9 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/538/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) ;''Phrixus'' * τίς δ᾿ οἶδεν εἰ ζῆν τοῦθ᾿ ὃ κέκληται θανεῖν, <br> τὸ ζῆν δὲ θνῄσκειν ἐστί; ** Who knows but life be that which men call death, <br> And death what men call life? ** Frg. 833 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) *** Alternative translation (J. A. Symonds, 1879): *** Who knows if that be life which we call death,<br>And life be dying? ;Fragments of uncertain placement * ἡ γὰρ σιωπὴ τοῖς σοφοῖσ⟨ιν⟩ ἀπόκρισις. ** Silence is an answer in the eyes of the wise. ** Frg. 977 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/euripides-dramatic_fragments/2008/pb_LCL506.561.xml C. Collard, M. Cropp, 2009])<!--cf. [[Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau#Attributed|Mirabeau]]--> *** Alternative translation (R. B. Appleton, 1927)<!--''Euripides the Idealist'' (London: J. M. Dent, 1927), p. 194--> *** For silence is true wisdom's best reply. * τὰ τῶν τεκόντων σφάλματ᾿ εἰς τοὺς ἐκγόνους <br> οἱ θεοὶ τρέπουσιν. ** The gods visit the sins of the fathers upon the children. ** Frg. 980 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) * ὅστις νέος ὢν Μουσῶν ἀμελεῖ, <br> τόν τε παρελθόντ᾿ ἀπόλωλε χρόνον <br> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; καὶ τὸν μέλλοντα τέθνηκε. ** Whoso neglects learning in his youth, loses the past and is dead for the future. ** Frg. 1028 (''Bartlett's'', 1892) {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * τοῖσιν εὖ φρονοῦσι συμμαχεῖ τύχη. ** Fortune truly helps those who are of good judgement. ** {{w|Critias}}, ''Pirithous'', frg. 10.3 TrGF = Euripides, frg. 598 N.<sup>2</sup> (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 781 note-->) ** Rival attributions to Critias and Euripides current in antiquity. * τηνικαῦτά μοι δοκεῖ <br> ⟨&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;⟩ πυκνός τις καὶ σοφὸς γνώμην ἀνήρ <br> ⟨θεῶν⟩ δέος θνητοῖσιν ἐξευρεῖν, ὅπως <br> εἴη τι δεῖμα τοῖς κακοῖσι, κἂν λάθρᾳ <br> πράσσωσιν ἢ λέγωσιν ἢ φρονῶσί ⟨τι⟩. ** I maintain, <br> Some shrewd man first, a man in counsel wise,<br>Discovered unto men the fear of Gods,<br>Thereby to frighten sinners should they sin <br>E'en secretly in deed, or word, or thought. ** {{w|Sisyphus fragment}} (Critias, frg. 19 TrGF), lines 11–15 TrGF (tr. R. G. Bury, [[w:Loeb Classical Library|L311]])<!--Revised by J. Garrett: "I think, / Some shrewd man first, a man in judgment wise, / Found for mortals the fear of gods, / Thereby to frighten the wicked should they / Even act or speak or scheme in secret."--> **: He was a wise man who originated the idea of God. (''Cassell's'', 1907<!--p. 478-->) * διδαγμάτων ἥδιστον εἰσηγήσατο <br> ψευδεῖ καλύψας τὴν ἀλήθειαν λόγῳ. <br> ⟨ν⟩αίει⟨ν⟩ δ᾿ ἔφασκε τοὺς θεοὺς ἐνταῦθ᾿ ἵνα <br> μάλιστ᾿ ἂ⟨ν⟩ ἐξέπληξεν ἀνθρώπους ἄγων, <br> ὅθεν περ ἔγνω τοὺς φόβους ὄντας βροτοῖς <br> καὶ τὰς ὀνήσεις τῷ ταλαιπώρῳ βίῳ, <br> ἐκ τῆς ὕπερθε περιφορᾶς, ἵν᾿ ἀστραπάς <br> κατεῖδον οὔσας, δεινὰ δὲ κτυπήματα <br> βροντῆς τό τ᾿ ἀστερωπὸν οὐρανοῦ δέμας, <br> Χρόνου καλόν ποίκιλμα, τέκτονος σοφοῦ, <br> ὅθεν τε λαμπρὸς ἀστέρος στείχει μύδρος <br> ὅ θ᾿ ὑγρὸς εἰς γῆν ὄμβρος ἐκπορεύεται. ** Most cunning doctrine did he introduce,<br>The truth concealing under speech untrue.<br>The place he spoke of as the God's abode<br>Was that whereby he could affright men most,—<br>The place from which, he knew, both terrors came<br>And easements unto men of toilsome life—<br>To wit the vault above, wherein do dwell<br>The lightnings, he beheld, and awesome claps<br>Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven,<br>Fair-spangled by that cunning craftsman Time,—<br>Whence, too, the meteor's glowing mass doth speed<br>And liquid rain descends upon the earth. ** Sisyphus fragment (Critias, frg. 19 TrGF), lines 25–36 (tr. R. G. Bury, L311)<!--Revised by J. Garrett: The sweetest teaching did he introduce, / Concealing truth under untrue speech. / The place he spoke of as the gods' abode<br>Was that by which he might awe humans most, — / The place from which, he knew, terrors came to mortals / And things advantageous in their wearisome life — / The revolving heaven above, in which dwell / The lightnings, and awesome claps / Of thunder, and the starry face of heaven, / Beautiful and intricate by that wise craftsman Time, — / From which, too, the meteor's glowing mass speeds / And wet thunderstorm pours forth upon the earth.--> * I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. ** Supposedly in ''The Suppliants'' [https://archive.org/search?query=%22shall+find+scholars+later+to+demonstrate%22&sin=TXT&sort=date] ** Also attributed to [[Frederick the Great]] of Prussia {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * ἄριστον ἀνδρὶ κτῆμα συμπαθὴς γυνή. ** Man's best possession is a sympathetic wife. ** Hippothoon, frg. 3a TrGF; misattributed to Euripides due to a confusion in Stobaeus, ''Anthology'', IV.22.13–14 ([https://archive.org/details/tragicorum-graecorum-fragmenta-volume-5-euripides/page/266/mode/2up R. Kannicht, 2004:266]). * Account no man happy till he dies. ** [[Sophocles]], ''Oedipus Rex'' l. 1529 ** Cf. [[Herodotus]], bk. 1 ch. 32: But refrain from calling him fortunate before he dies; call him lucky. (tr. A. D. Godley, 1920) * Circumstances rule men and not men circumstances. ** [[Herodotus]], Book 7, Ch. 49; Misattributed to Euripides in "The Imperial Four" by Professor Creasy in ''Bentley's Miscellany'' Vol. 33 (January 1853), p. 22 ** Variant translation: Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. * Those whom the gods wish to destroy they first make mad. ** Anonymous ancient proverb, wrongly attributed to Euripides. The version here is quoted as a "heathen proverb" in ''Daniel, a Model for Young Men'' (1854) by William Anderson Scott. The origin of the misattribution to Euripides is unknown. Several variants are quoted in ancient texts, as follows. ** Variants and derived paraphrases: *** For cunningly of old <br>was the celebrated saying revealed: <br>evil sometimes seems good <br>to a man whose mind <br>a god leads to destruction. **** Sophocles, ''Antigone'' 620-3, a play pre-dating any of Euripides' surviving plays. An ancient commentary explains the passage as a paraphrase of the following, from another, earlier poet. *** When a god plans harm against a man, <br> he first damages the mind of the man he is plotting against. **** Quoted in the ''scholia vetera'' to Sophocles' ''Antigone'' 620ff., without attribution. The meter (iambic trimeter) suggests that the source of the quotation is a tragic play. *** For whenever the anger of divine spirits harms someone, <br>it first does this: it steals away his mind <br>and good sense, and turns his thought to foolishness,''' <br>so that he should know nothing of his mistakes. **** Attributed to "some of the old poets" by [[w:Lycurgus of Athens|Lycurgus of Athens]] in his ''Oratio In Leocratem'' [''Oration Against Leocrates''], section 92. Again, the meter suggests that the source is a tragic play. These lines are misattributed to the much earlier semi-mythical statesman [[w:Lycurgus of Sparta|Lycurgus of Sparta]] in a footnote of recent editions of ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' and other works. *** The gods do nothing until they have blinded the minds of the wicked. **** Variant in ''''Dictionary of Quotations (Classical)'' (1906), compiled by Thomas Benfield Harbottle, p. 433. *** Whom Fortune wishes to destroy she first makes mad.''' **** [[Publilius Syrus]], Maxim 911 *** The devil when he purports any evil against man, first perverts his mind. **** As quoted by [[w:Athenagoras of Athens|Athenagoras of Athens]] in ''Legatio Pro Christianis''. *** ''quem Iuppiter vult perdere, dementat prius.'' **** "Whom Jupiter wishes to destroy, he first sends mad"; neo-Latin version. Similar wording is found in [[w:James Duport|James Duport]]'s ''Homeri Gnomologia'' (1660), p. 234. "A maxim of obscure origin which may have been invented in Cambridge about 1640" -- Taylor, ''The Proverb'' (1931). Probably a variant of the line "He whom the gods love dies young", derived from [[Menander]]'s play ''The Double Deceiver'' via [[Plautus]] (''Bacchides'' 816-7). *** ''quem'' (or ''quos'') ''Deus perdere vult, dementat prius.'' **** Whom God wishes to destroy, he first sends mad. *** '''Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.''' **** This variant is spoken by [[w:Prometheus|Prometheus]], in ''The Masque of Pandora'' (1875) by [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]] *** Those whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. **** As quoted in ''George Fox Interpreted: The Religion, Revelations, Motives and Mission of George Fox'' (1881) by Thomas Ellwood Longshore, p. 154 *** Those whom God wishes to destroy, he first makes mad. **** As quoted in ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' 16th edition (1992) *** Nor do the gods appear in warrior's armour clad <br> To strike them down with sword and spear <br> Those whom they would destroy <br> They first make mad. **** Bhartṛhari, 7th c. AD; as quoted in John Brough, ''Poems from the Sanskrit'', (1968), p, 67 *** ''vināśakāle viparītabuddhiḥ'' **** Sanskrit Saying (also in ''Jatak katha''): "When a man is to be destroyed, his intelligence becomes self-destructive." ** Modern derivatives: The proverb's meaning is changed in many English versions from the 20th and 21st centuries that start with the proverb's first half (through "they") and then end with a phrase that replaces "first make mad" or "make mad." Such versions can be found at Internet search engines by using either of the two keyword phrases that are on Page 2 and Page 4 of the webpage "[http://www.bu.edu/av/celop2/not_ESL/pick_any_wrong_card.pdf Pick any Wrong Card]." The rest of that webpage is frameworks that induce a reader to compose new variations on this proverb. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Euripides == * Σοφοκλῆς ἔφη αὐτὸς μὲν οἵους δεῖ ποιεῖν, Εὐριπίδην δὲ οἷοι εἰσίν. ** [[Sophocles]] said that he drew men as they ought to be; Euripides, as they are. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Poetics'', ch. 25; 1460b33–34 (tr. S. H. Butcher) * I could not bear Euripides at college. I now read my recantation. He has faults undoubtedly. But what a poet! The [[w:Medea (play)|Medea]], the [[w:Alcestis (play)|Alcestis]], the [[w:The Trojan Women|Troades]], the [[w:The Bacchae|Bacchæ]], are alone sufficient to place him in the very first rank. ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to Thomas Flower Ellis (8 February 1835), quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 431 * The [[w:Orestes (play)|Orestes]] is one of the very finest plays in the Greek language. Among those of Euripides, I should place it next to the Medea and the Bacchæ. It has some very real faults; but it possesses that strong human interest which neither [[Aeschylus|Æschylus]] nor [[Sophocles]],—poets in many respects far superior to Euripides,—ever gave to their dramas. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), p. 474 * The Bacchæ is a most glorious play. I doubt whether it be not superior to the Medea. It is often very obscure; and I am not sure that I fully understand its general scope. But, as a piece of language, it is hardly equalled in the world. And, whether it was intended to encourage or to discourage fanaticism, the picture of fanatical excitement which it exhibits has never been rivalled. ** Thomas Babington Macaulay, quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume I'' (1876), pp. 474-475 * ''Sed longe clarius inlustraverunt hoc opus Sophocles atque Euripides, quorum in dispari dicendi via uter sit poeta melior inter plurimos quaeritur. Idque ego sane, quoniam ad praesentem materiam nihil pertinet, iniudicatum relinquo. Illud quidem nemo non fateatur necesse est, iis qui se ad agendum comparant utiliorem longe fore Euripiden. Namque is et sermone'' [. . .] ''magis accedit oratorio generi, et sententiis densus, et in iis quae a sapientibus tradita sunt paene ipsis par, et in dicendo ac respondendo cuilibet eorum qui fuerunt in foro diserti comparandus, in adfectibus vero cum omnibus mirus, tum in iis qui miseratione constant facile praecipuus.'' ** But far more distinction was brought to this genre (sc. tragedy) by Sophocles and Euripides. Their styles are very different, and there is much dispute as to which is the better poet. I leave this question unresolved, because it has nothing to do with my present subject. What everybody must admit is that Euripides will be much the more useful to persons preparing themselves to plead in court. His language [. . .] is closer to the norm of oratory; he is full of striking thoughts, and almost a match for the philosophers in expressing their teaching; his technique of speech and debate is comparable to that of anyone who has been famous for eloquence in the courts; and finally he is marvellous at expressing any emotion, and far and away the supreme master of the power to arouse pity. ** [[Quintilian]], ''{{w|Institutio Oratoria}}'', X.1.67–68 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/quintilian-orators_education/2002/pb_LCL127.287.xml D. A. Russell, 2002]) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat|Euripides}} {{wikisource author|Euripides}} * {{gutenberg author| id=Euripides | name=Euripides}} * [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/eb11-euripides.html Article in ''Encyclopaedia Britannica'' (11th edition) at Fordham University] * [http://www.perseus.tufts.edu/cgi-bin/vor?x=0&y=0&lookup=Euripides Euripides-related materials at the Perseus Digital Library] * [http://www.theatrehistory.com/ancient/euripides001.html "Euripedes and His Tragedies" at TheatreHistory.com] * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0262381/ IMDBs List of movies based on Euripides plays] * [https://www.ellopos.net/elpenor/greek-texts/ancient-greece/euripides.asp Euripides Resources] {{DEFAULTSORT:Euripides}} [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:Playwrights from Greece]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:People from Athens]] 824gxgt829ivbmrd7eoz91h58qrm43y 0 2828 3944590 3944334 2026-05-23T21:34:27Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944590 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:George Chapman.jpg|thumb|Man is a torch borne in the wind; a dream<br />But of a shadow, summed with all his substance.]] '''[[w:George Chapman|George Chapman]]''' (c. [[w:1559|1559]] – [[w:May 12|May 12]], [[w:1634|1634]]) was an English dramatist, translator and poet. == Quotes == * O incredulity! the wit of fools,<br>That slovenly will spit<!--misquoted as 'split' in several sources--> on all things fair,<br>The coward’s castle, and the sluggard’s cradle. ** ''De Guiana'', line 84<!--or: 82-->; appended to [[w:Lawrence Kemys|Lawrence Kemys]]'s ''A Relation of the Second Voyage to Guiana'' (1596) * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; Virgil's out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth. ** Dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598) * Virtue is not malicious; wrong done her<br />Is righted even when men grant they err. ** ''{{w|Monsieur D'Olive}}'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Vandome}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> ** Variant reading: "ever" for "even" * For one heat, all know, doth drive out another,<br />One passion doth expel another still. ** ''Monsieur D'Olive'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Vandome}}, Act V, scene i, line 8<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) and ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * Let no man value at a little price<br />A virtuous woman's counsel; her wing'd spirit<br />Is feather'd oftentimes with heavenly words. ** ''{{w|The Gentleman Usher}}'' (1606), {{smallcaps|Strozza}}, Act IV, scene i<!-- reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Let no man value at little price a virtuous woman’s counsel." --> === ''[[w:The Shadow of Night|The Shadow of Night]]'' (1594) === * Great goddess, to whose throne in Cynthian fires,<br />This earthly altar endless fumes expires;<br />Therefore, in fumes of sighs and fires of grief,<br />To fearful chances thou send'st bold relief,<br />Happy, thrice happy type, and nurse of death,<br />Who, breathless, feeds on nothing but our breath,<br />In whom must virtue and her issue live,<br />Or die for ever. ** ''Hymnus in noctem'', line 1 * Music, and mood, she loves, but love she hates<br />(As curious ladies do, their public cates),<br />This train, with meteors, comets, lightenings,<br />The dreadful presence of our empress sings:<br />Which grant for ever (O eternal Night)<br />Till virtue flourish in the light of light. ** ''Hymnus in noctem'', line 398 === ''Ovid's Banquet of Sense'' (1595) === [[File:Lucas Cranach d. Ä. 012.jpg|thumb|Poetry, unlike oratory, should not aim at clarity...but be dense with meaning, 'something to be chewed and digested'.]] * Poetry, unlike oratory, should not aim at clarity...but be dense with meaning, 'something to be chewed and digested'. ** Preface * Obscurity in affection of words and indigested conceits is pedantical and childish. ** Preface * Use makes things nothing huge, and huge things nothing. ** Line 718 * Gentle and noble are their tempers framed,<br>That can be quicken'd with perfumes and sounds. * Too much desire to please, pleasure divorces. ==== A Coronet for his Mistress, Philosophy ==== * Cupid’s bonfires burning in the eye. ** I * And eat your entrails out with ecstacies. ** II * But my love is the cordial of souls,<br>Teaching by passion what perfection is,<br>In whose fix'd beauties shine the sacred scroll,<br>And long-lost records of your human bliss,<br>Spirit to flesh, and soul to spirit giving,<br>Love flows not from my liver but her living. ** II * Her mind—the beam of God—draws in the fires<br>Of her chaste eyes, from all earth's tempting fuel;<br>* * *<br>And in th' untainted temple of her heart<br>Doth the divorceless nuptials celebrate<br>'Twixt God and her; where love's profaned dart<br>Feeds the chaste flames of Hymen's firmament. ** III, IV === [[w:The Blind Beggar of Alexandria|''The Blind Beggar of Alexandria'']] (1596) === [[File:Virgo et Coma Berenices - Mercator.jpeg|thumb|Berenice's ever-burning hair.]] * Though my years would have me old, I am not,<br>But have the gentle jerk of youth in me,<br>As fresh as he that hath a maiden's chin. ** {{smallcaps|Leon}} * Twenty are making for me, head-tires and gowns,<br>Head-tires enchased, in order like the stars,<br>With perfit, great, and fine-cut precious stones;<br>One hath bright Ariadne's crown in it,<br> Even in the figure it presents in heaven;<br>Another hath the fingers of Diana,<br>And '''Berenice's ever-burning hair''';<br>Another hath the bright Andromeda<br>With both her silver wrists bound to a rock,<br>And Perseus that did loose her and save her life,<br>All set in number and in perfect form,<br>Even like the asterisms fix'd in heaven;<br>And even as you may see in moonshine nights,<br>The moon and stars reflecting on their streams,<br>So from my head shall you see stars take beams. ** {{smallcaps|Elimine}} * None ever loved but at first sight they loved. ** {{smallcaps|Bebritius}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> ** Compare: [[Christopher Marlowe|Marlowe]], ''Hero and Leander'' (1598): "Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?" === ''{{w|An Humorous Day's Mirth}}'' (1599) === * An ill weed grows apace. ** {{smallcaps|Lemot}} and {{smallcaps|Rowl}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Black is a pearl in a woman's eye. ** {{smallcaps|Lemot}} and {{smallcaps|Foyes}}<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Yet hath the morning sprinkled through the clouds<br>But half her tincture; and the sail of night<br>Sticks still upon the bosom of the air. ** {{smallcaps|Labervele}} <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> === [[w:Hero and Leander (poem)|''Hero and Leander'']] (1600) === :<small>Begun by Marlowe and finished by Chapman</small> [[File:Francesco Mazzola, called Parmigianino - Bow-carving Amor - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|upright|Love calls to war;<br>Sighs his alarms,<br>Lips his swords are,<br>The field his arms.]] * He that shuns trifles must shun the world. ** Epistle Dedicatory, to [[w:Audrey Walsingham|Lady Walsingham]] * Love is a golden bubble, full of dreams,<br />That waking breaks, and fills us with extremes. ** Sestiad III * The use of time is fate. ** Sestiad III * Sin is ashamed of sin. ** Sestiad IV * Ill may a sad mind forge a merry face,<br>Nor hath constrainèd laughter any grace. ** Sestiad V * Women are most won, when men merit least. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * Love's special lesson is to please the eye. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * News as wholesome as the morning air. ** Sestiad V (''The Tale of Teras'') * Love calls to war;<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Sighs his alarms,<br>Lips his swords are,<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; The field his arms. ** Sestiad V (''Epithalamion Teratos'') === ''[[w:All Fools|All Fools]]'' (1605) === * Exceeding fair she was not; and yet fair<br />In that she never studied to be fairer<br />Than Nature made her; beauty cost her nothing,<br />Her virtues were so rare. ** {{smallcaps|Rinaldo}}, Act I, scene i * I tell thee Love is Nature's second sun,<br />Causing a spring of virtues where he shines. ** {{smallcaps|Valerio}}, Act I, scene i * Extremes, though contrary, have the like effects;<br>Extreme heat mortifies like extreme cold:<br>Extreme love breeds satiety as well<br>As extreme hatred; and too violent rigour<br>Tempts chastity as much as too much licence. ** {{smallcaps|Gazetta}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in Tryon Edwards, ed., ''A Dictionary of Thoughts'' (New York: Cassell, 1891), p. 160: " Extremes, though contrary, have the like effects.—Extreme heat kills, and so extreme cold; extreme love breeds satiety, and so extreme hatred; and too violent rigor tempts chastity, as does too much license." Shorter version in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Extremes, though contrary, have the like effect; extreme heat mortifies, like extreme cold; extreme love breeds satiety, as well as extreme hatred." --> * {{smallcaps|Cornelia}}: What flowers are these?<br />{{smallcaps|Gazetta}}: The pansy this.<br />{{smallcaps|Cornelia}}: Oh, that's for lover's thoughts. ** Act II, scene i, line 248<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * How blinde is [[pride]]! what eagles we are still<br />In matters that belong to other men,<br />What beetles in our own! ** {{smallcaps|Marc Antonio}}, Act IV, scene i * Fortune, the great commandress of the world,<br />Hath divers ways to advance her followers:<br />To some she gives honour without deserving,<br />To other some, deserving without honour;<br />Some wit, some wealth,—and some, wit without wealth;<br />Some wealth without wit; some nor wit nor wealth. ** {{smallcaps|Rinaldo}}, Act V, scene i * Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools. ** {{smallcaps|Gostanzo}}, Act V, scene i * Marriage is ever made by destiny. ** {{smallcaps|Gostanzo}}, Act V, scene i ===''[[w:Eastward Hoe|Eastward Hoe]]'' (1605)=== [[File:Mendel II 095 v (cropped).jpg|thumb|upright|Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thee.]] * Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thee. Light gains make heavy purses. 'Tis good to be merry and wise. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act I, scene i * Why, do nothing; be like a gentleman, be idle; the curse of man is labour. Wipe thy bum with testones, and '''make ducks and drakes with shillings.''' ** {{smallcaps|Quicksilver}}, Act I, scene i ** Note: ''testones''=sixpences (though it was also a name for the depreciated Henry VII shilling).—Spencer Hazelton, ''Elizabethan Plays'' (1933), p. 479 <!-- Boston: D. C. Heath and Company --> * Where ambition of place goes before fitness<br>Of birth, contempt and disgrace follow. ** {{smallcaps|Mildrid}}, Act I, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880): "Ambition", p. 33 --> * Only a few industrious Scots perhaps, who indeed are dispersed over the face of the whole earth. But as for them, there are no greater friends to Englishmen and England, when they are out on 't, in the world, than they are. And for my own part, I would a hundred thousand of them were there [Virginia]; for we are all one countrymen now, ye know, and we should find ten times more comfort of them there than we do here. ** {{smallcaps|Seagull}}, Act III, scene ii * Enough<!--old spelling: 'inough'--> is as good as a feast. ** {{smallcaps|Pandar}}, Act III, scene ii <!-- The original source is [[John Heywood]]'s ''A Dialogue Conteinyng the Nomber in Effect of All the Prouerbes in the Englishe Tongue'' (1546) --> * Fair words never hurt the tongue. ** {{smallcaps|Golding}}, Act IV, scene i * Let pride go afore, shame will follow after. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act IV, scene ii <!--Cited as 'Act IV, scene i' in ''Bartlett's'' (1919) as 'Act III, scene i' in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> * I will neither yield to the song of the siren nor the voice of the hyena, the tears of the crocodile nor the howling of the wolf. ** {{smallcaps|Touchstone}}, Act V, scene i ===''[[w:Bussy D'Ambois|Bussy D'Ambois]]'' (1607)=== [[File:Bussy d'Amboise - XVIIe siècle.jpg|thumb|upright|Who to himself is law no law doth need,<br />Offends no law, and is a king indeed.]] * As cedars beaten with continual storms,<br />So great men flourish; and do imitate<br />Unskilful statuaries, who suppose,<br />In forging a Colossus, if they make him<br />Straddle enough, strut, and look big, and gape,<br />Their work is goodly: so men merely great<br />In their affected gravity of voice,<br />Sourness of countenance, manners' cruelty,<br />Authority, wealth, and all the spawn of fortune,<br />Think they bear all the kingdom's worth before them,<br />Yet differ not from those colossic statues,<br />Which, with heroic forms without o'erspread,<br />Within are naught but mortar, flint and lead. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * Man is a torch borne in the wind; a dream<br />But of a shadow, summ'd with all his substance. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * Where the king's change doth breed the subject's terror,<br>Pure innovation is more gross than error. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act I, scene i * 'Tis leap-year, lady, and therefore very good to enter a courtier. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Note: In 1288 a law was enacted in Scotland that "it is statut and ordaint that during the rein of hir maist blissit Megeste [Margaret, 'Maid of Norway', nominally Queen of Scotland, 1285 to 1290], for ilk yeare knowne as lepe yeare, ilk mayden ladye of bothe highe and lowe estait shall hae liberte to bespeke ye man she likes, albeit he refuses to taik hir to be his lawful wyfe, he shall be mulcted in ye sum ane pundis or less, as his estait may be; except and awis gif he can make it appeare that he is betrothit ane ither woman he then shall be free." A few years later a like law was passed in France, and in the 15th century the custom was legalized in Genoa and Florence.—"[[s:1911 Encyclopædia Britannica/Leap-Year|Leap-year]]", ''Encyclopædia Britannica'', 11th ed., vol. 16 (1911), p. 330 --> * And as great seamen, using all their wealth<br />And skills in Neptune's deep invisible paths,<br />In tall ships richly built and ribbed with brass,<br />'''To put a girdle round about the world.''' ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i, line 20<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> <!--**Compare: Shakespeare, ''[[A Midsummer Night's Dream|Midsummer Night's Dream]]'', II, i · [[John Webster|Webster]], ''Duchess of Malfi'', II, i--> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The old Scythians<br>Painted blind Fortune’s powerful hands with wings,<br>To show her gifts come swift and suddenly,<br>Which, if her favourite be not swift to take,<br>He loses them forever. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "The old Scythians painted blind fortune’s powerful hands with wings, to show her gifts come swift and suddenly, which, if her favorite be not swift to take, he loses them forever." --> * His deeds inimitable, like the sea<br />That shuts still as it opes, and leaves no tracts<br />Nor prints of precedent for poor men's facts. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; So our lives<br />In acts exemplary, not only win<br />Ourselves good names, but doth to others give<br />Matter for virtuous deeds, by which we live. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act I, scene i * This was a sleight well mask'd. O, what is man,<br />Unless he be a Politician? ** {{smallcaps|Renel}}, Act I, scene i * Speed his plough. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i * There is a deep nick in Fortune's restless wheel<br>For each man's good. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> ** Variant: 'Time's' not 'Fortune's' * [Envy] is like a fly,<br>That passes all the body’s soundest parts,<br>And dwells upon the sore. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act II, scene i <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Envy is like a fly that passes all a body’s sounder parts, and dwells upon the sores." --> * Who to himself is law no law doth need,<br />Offends no law, and is a king indeed. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act II, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; Archers ever<br>Have two strings to a bow; and shall great Cupid<br>(Archer of archers both in men and women),<br>Be worse provided than a common archer? ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act II, scene i<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> * &nbsp;&nbsp; For as the light<br>Not only serves to show, but render us<br>Mutually profitable; so our lives,<br>In acts exemplary, not only win<br>Ourselves good names, but do to others give<br>Matter for virtuous deeds, by which we live. ** {{smallcaps|Monsieur}}, Act II, scene ii * &nbsp;&nbsp; O the dangerous siege<br>Sin lays about us! And the tyranny<br>He exercises when he hath expung’d,<br>Like to the horror of a winter’s thunder,<br>Mix’d with a gushing storm; that suffers nothing<br>To stir abroad on earth, but their own rages,<br>Is sin, when it hath gather’d head above us:<br>No roof, no shelter can secure us so,<br>But he will drown our cheeks in fear or woe. ** {{smallcaps|Tamyra}}, Act III, scene i * Each natural agent works but to this end,—<br />To render that it works on like itself. ** {{smallcaps|Montsurry}}, Act III, scene i * True courtiers should be modest, and not nice;<br>Bold, but not impudent; pleasure love, not vice. ** {{smallcaps|K. Henry}}, Act IV, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Pleasure", p. 407 --> * Man is a name of honour for a king. ** {{smallcaps|Tamyra}}, Act IV, scene i * A politician must, like lightning, melt<br>The very marrow, and not taint the skin:<br>His ways must not be seen. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act IV, scene ii ** Compare: [[James Shirley]], ''Wits Labyrinth'' (1648), p. 27: "A Politician must (like lightning) melt the very marrow, yet not pierce the skinne." * Danger, the spur of all great minds. ** {{smallcaps|Umbra Bussi}}, Act V, scene i * Terror of darkness! O, thou king of flames! ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act V, scene iii * &nbsp;&nbsp; Oh my fame,<br>Live in despite of murder! Take thy wings<br>And haste thee where the grey-eyed Morn perfumes<br>Her rosy chariot with Sabæan spices!<br>Fly, where the Evening from th’Iberian vales<br>Takes on her swarthy shoulders Hecate,<br>Crowned with a grove of oaks; fly where men feel<br>The burning axletree, and those that suffer<br>Beneath the chariot of the snowy Bear. ** {{smallcaps|Bussy}}, Act V, scene iv === ''[[w:The Conspiracy and Tragedy of Charles, Duke of Byron|The Conspiracy and Tragedy of Charles, Duke of Byron]]'' (1608) === * 'Tis immortality to die aspiring,<br />As if a man were taken quick to heaven. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act I, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Your wit is of the true Pierian spring,<br>That can make anything of anything. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act II, scene ii <!-- Arranged as prose in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Wit is of the true Pierian spring, that can make anything of anything." --> * Give me a spirit that on this life's rough sea<br />Loves t' have his sails fill'd with a lusty wind,<br />Even till his sail-yards tremble, his masts crack,<br />And his rapt ship run on her side so low<br />That she drinks water, and her keel plows air. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * There is no danger to the man that knows<br />What life and death is; there's not any law<br />Exceeds his knowledge; neither is it lawful<br />That he should stoop to any other law.<br />He goes before them, and commands them all,<br />That to himself is a law rational. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i * &nbsp;&nbsp; Be free, all worthy spirits,<br>And stretch yourselves, for greatness and for height. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act III, scene i * Flatterers look like friends, as wolves like dogs. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act III, scene i * O Innocence, the sacred amulet<br />'Gainst all the poisons of infirmity;<br />Of all misfortune, injury, and death,<br />That makes a man in tune still in himself;<br />Free from the hell to be his own accuser,<br />Ever in quiet, endless joy enjoying;<br />No strife nor no sedition in his powers;<br />No motion in his will against his reason,<br />No thought 'gainst thought—<br />But (all parts in him, friendly and secure,<br />Fruitful of all best things in all worst seasons)<br />He can with every wish be in their plenty;<br />When the infectious guilt of one foul crime<br />Destroys the free content of all our time. ** {{smallcaps|Henry}}, Act IV, scene i * He is at no end of his actions blest<br />Whose ends will make him greatest, and not best. ** {{smallcaps|Byron}}, Act V, scene i<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === ''Euthymiae Raptus; or The Tears of Peace'' (1609) === * Remember thine own verse: "Should heaven turn hell,<br>For deeds well done, I would do ever well. ** Inductio * And let a scholar all Earth’s volumes carry,<br>He will be but a walking dictionary. ** Line 266<!--or: 270--> * Wretched estate of men by fortune blest,<br>That being ever idle never rest. ** Line 341 * &nbsp;&nbsp; To be wonder'd at<br>Is Justice; for proportion, ornament,<br> None of the graces is so excellent.<br> Vile things adorn her: methought once I saw<br>How by the sea's shore she sat giving law<br> Even to the streams, and fish most loose and wild,<br> And was, to my thoughts, wondrous sweet and mild;<br> Yet fire blew from her that dissolvèd rocks;<br> Her looks to pearl turn'd pebble; and her locks<br> The rough and sandy banks to burnish'd gold;<br> Her white left hand did golden bridles hold,<br> And with her right she wealthy gifts did give,<br>Which with their left hands men did still receive. ** Line 344 <!-- Orthography follows Swinburne's edition (1875) --> * God hath made none (that all might be) contented. ** Line 370 * &nbsp;&nbsp; And left so free mine ears,<br>That I might hear the music of the spheres,<br>And all the angels singing out of heaven. ** Conclusio === ''[[w:May Day (play)|May Day]]'' (1611) === * He that bears himself like a gentleman, is worthy to have been born a gentleman. ** {{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Sometimes arranged as verse: "He that bears himself like a gentleman / Is worth to have been born a gentleman." --> * {{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}: Now for your behaviour; let it be free and negligent, not clogged with ceremony or observance; give no man honour, but upon equal terms; for look how much thou givest any man above that, so much thou takest from thyself; he that will once give the wall, shall quickly be thrust into the kennel; measure not thy carriage by any man's eye, thy speech by no man's ear, but be resolute and confident in doing and saying, and this is the grace of a right gentleman, as thou art.<br>{{smallcaps|Innocentio}}: 'Sfoot, that I am, I hope; I am sure my father has been twice Warden on's Company.<br>{{smallcaps|Quintiliano}}: That's not a pear matter, man; there's no prescription for gentility but good clothes and impudence. ** Act I, scene i <!-- Sometimes arranged as verse: "Measure not thy carriage by any man’s eye, / Thy speech by no man’s ear ; but be resolute And confident in doing and saying; / And this is the grace of a right gentleman." --> * We have watered our houses in Helicon. ** {{smallcaps|Lodovico}}, Act III, scene iii ** Conjecture: 'horses' for 'houses'<!--; A. H. Holaday (ed.) ''The Plays of George Chapman: The Comedies'' (1970) p. 383--> === ''{{w|The Widow's Tears}}'' (1612) === * &nbsp;&nbsp; Sole friend to worth,<br>And patroness of all good spirits, Confidence. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act I, scene i * Up start as many aches in's bones, as there are ouches in his skin. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act I, scene i <!-- Also in ''Forty Thousand Quotations'' (1917): "Up start as many aches in his bones, as there are ouches in his skin." --> * Love me? Love my dog! ** {{smallcaps|Eudora}}, Act I, scene ii * Men’s judgments sway on that side fortune leans. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act II, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Judgment", p. 276 --> * Ignorance is the mother of admiration. ** {{smallcaps|Tharsalio}}, Act II, scene iv * The blind goddess of fools. ** {{smallcaps|Lysander}}, Act V, scene i * Blood, though it sleep a time, yet never dies.<br>The gods on murtherers fix revengeful eyes. ** {{smallcaps|2 Soldier}}, Act V, scene iv<!--; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> * I’ll have no more beggars. Fools shall have wealth, and the learned shall live by his wits. I’ll have no more bankrupts. ** {{smallcaps|Governor}}, Act V, scene v ** Variant: 'bankrouts' not 'bankrupts' === ''{{w|The Revenge of Bussy D'Ambois}}'' (1613) === * A good man happy is a common good. ** {{smallcaps|Renel}}, Act IV, scene i * He would believe, since he would be believed;<br>Your noblest natures are most credulous. ** {{smallcaps|Aumale}}, Act IV, scene i * Not to have want, what riches doth exceed?<br>Not to be subject, what superior thing?<br>He that to nought aspires, doth nothing need;<br> Who breaks no law is subject to no king. ** {{smallcaps|Clermont}}, Act IV, scene i * Friendship is the cement of two minds,<br>As of one man the soul and body is;<br>Of which one cannot sever but the other<br>Suffers a needful separation. ** {{smallcaps|Clermont}}, Act V, scene i <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Friendship", p. 208 --> === Translations === * Promise is most given when the least is said. ** From [[Musaeus Grammaticus|Musæus]], ''The Divine Poem of Musæus'' (1616), line 234<!--; i.e. ''Hero and Leander''; reported in ''Bartlett's'', 10th ed. (1919) and in ''Hoyt's'' (1922)--> ==== ''The Iliads of [[Homer]], Prince of Poets'' (1611) ==== [[File:Helen of Troy.jpg|thumb|What man can blame<br />The Greeks and Trojans to endure, for so admired a dame,<br />So many miseries, and so long? In her sweet countenance shine<br />Looks like the goddesses'.]] * '''Achilles' baneful wrath resound, O Goddess, that imposed<br />Infinite sorrows on the Greeks, and many brave souls loosed<br />From breasts heroic''', sent them far to that invisible cave<br />That no light comforts, and their limbs to dogs and vultures gave;<br />To all which Jove's will gave effect; from whom first strife begun<br />Betwixt Atrides, king of men, and Thetis' godlike son. ** Book I, line 1, p. 1 * The lady of the light, the rosy-fingered [[Morn]],<br />Rose from the hills. ** Book I, line 460, p. 11 * Swift men of foot, whose broad-set backs their trailing hair did hide. ** Book II <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Hair", p. 236 --> * What man can blame<br />The Greekes and Trojans to endure, for so admired a Dame,<br />So many miseries, and so long? In her sweet countenance shine<br />Lookes like the Godesses. ** Book III, line 167, p. 41 [[File:Hector taking leave of Andromache- the Fright of Astyanax MET DP821060.jpg|thumb|This said, he reached to take his son; who, of his arms afraid,<br />And then the horse-hair plume, with which he was so overlaid,<br />Nodded so horribly, he clinged back to his nurse, and cried.<br />Laughter affected his great sire, who doffed and laid aside<br />His fearful helm, that on the earth cast round about it light;<br />Then took and kissed his loving son, and (balancing his weight<br />In dancing him) these loving vows to living Jove he used,<br />And all the other bench of gods.]] * This said, he reached to take his son; who, of his arms afraid,<br />And then the horse-hair plume, with which he was so overlaid,<br />Nodded so horribly, he clinged back to his nurse, and cried.<br />Laughter affected his great sire, who doffed and laid aside<br />His fearful helm, that on the earth cast round about it light;<br />Then took and kissed his loving son, and (balancing his weight<br />In dancing him) these loving vows to living Jove he used,<br />And all the other bench of gods: "O you that have infused<br />Soul to this infant, now set down this blessing on his star:<br />Let his renown be clear as mine; equal his strength in war." ** Book VI, line 506, p. 94 * As far as white Aurora's dews are sprinkled through the air. ** Book VII, line 374, p. 104 * As when about the silver [[moon]], when air is free from wind,<br />And stars shine clear; to whose sweet beams, high prospects, and the brows<br />Of all steep hills and pinnacles, thrust up themselves for shows;<br />And even the lowly valleys joy, to glitter in their sight,<br />When the unmeasured firmament bursts to disclose her light,<br />And all the signs in heaven are seen that glad the shepherd's heart. ** Book VIII, line 487, [https://books.google.com/books?id=ashjAAAAcAAJ&pg=PA115&dq=%22As+when+about%22 p. 115] * All fell upon the high-hair’d oaks, and down their curled brows<br>Fell bustling to the earth; and up went all the boles and boughs. ** Book XXIII <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Trees", p. 568 --> [[File:Alexandr Ivanov 005.jpg|thumb|Mourn not inevitable things; thy tears can spring no deeds<br />To help thee, nor recall thy son: impatience ever breeds<br />Ill upon ill, makes worst things worse.]] * Mourne not inevitable things; thy teares can spring no deeds<br />To helpe thee, nor recall thy sonne: impacience ever breeds<br />Ill upon ill, makes worst things worse. ** Book XXIV, line 494, p. 336 ==== ''Homer's Odysses'' (1614) ==== * &nbsp;&nbsp; Two eagles, ...<br>That mounted on the winds, together still<br>Their strokes extended. ** Book II, line 233 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'', ed. [[w:Samuel Austin Allibone|S. Austin Allibone]] (Philadelphia, PA: J. B. Lippincott & Co, 1880), "Birds", p. 71 [with 'wings' not 'winds'] --> ** Variant: 'wings' not 'winds' * Then forth he came, his both knees falt'ring, both<br />His strong hands hanging down, and all with froth<br />His cheeks and nostrils flowing, voice and breath<br />Spent to all use, and down he sunk to death.<br />'''The sea had soaked his heart through'''; all his veins<br />His toils had rack'd t'a labouring woman's pains.<br />Dead weary was he. ** Book V, line 608; shipwrecked Odysseus washes up on [[w:Scheria|Scheria]] * Within a thicket I reposed; when round<br>I ruffled up fall’n leaves in heaps, and found,<br>Let fall from heaven, a sleep interminate. ** Book VII, line 395 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Sleep", p. 482 --> * Nothing so sweete is as our countrie’s earth,<br>And joy of those from whom we claime our birth. ** Book IX, line 63 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Patriotism", p. 395 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; A race<br>Of proud-lined loiterers, that never sow,<br>Nor put a plant in earth, nor use a plough. ** Book IX, line 167 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880): "Agriculture", p. 25 --> * Nor could the foole abstaine,<br />But drunke as often. ** Book IX, line 496 * The morning, on her throne of gold,<br>Survey’d the vast world, by whose orient light<br>The nymph adorn’d me with attires as bright. ** Book X, line 670 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> ** Variant: 'in her throne' * The isle [[w:Aeaea|Ææa]], where the palace stands<br>Of the early riser, with the rosy hands,<br>Active Aurora; where she loves to dance. ** Book XII, line 3 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> * Soon as the white and red mix’d finger’d dame<br>Had gilt the mountains with her saffron flame. ** Book XII, line 11 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Morning", p. 356 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; You shall die<br>Twice now, where others, that mortality<br>In her fair arms holds, shall but once decease. ** Book XII, line 30 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Death", p. 124 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The seas retain<br>Not only their outrageous esture there,<br>But supernatural mischief they expire. ** Book XII, line 110 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Ocean", p. 382 --> * &nbsp;&nbsp; The blest gods do not love<br>Ungodly actions; but respect the right,<br>And in the works of pious men delight. ** Book XIV, line 117 <!-- ''Poetical Quotations'' (1880), "Religion", p. 445 --> * As night the life-inclining stars best shows,<br />So lives obscure the starriest souls disclose. ** Translator's Epilogue, line 74<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) and ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia of Practical Quotations'' (1922)--> {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == === ''Revenge for Honour'' (1654) === :<small>Attributed, probably falsely, to Chapman. The play may have been written by [[w:Henry Glapthorne|Henry Glapthorne]]</small> * Our [[hopes]], I see, resemble much the [[sun]],<br />That rising and declining cast large shadows;<br />But when his beams are dressed in's midday brightness,<br />Yields none at all: when they are farthest from<br />Success, their guilt reflection does display<br />The largest shows of events fair and prosperous. ** Act II, scene i * Like clocks, one wheel another on must drive;<br>Affairs by diligent labour only thrive. ** Act III, scene i <!-- Variant: "Like clocks, one wheel another one must drive; / Affairs by diligent labour only thrive." --> * I am ashamed the law is such an ass. ** Act III, scene ii * &nbsp;&nbsp; All the soul<br>Of man is resolution; which expires<br>Never from valiant men, till their last breath;<br>And then with it, like a flame extinguish’d<br>For want of matter; it does not die, but<br>Rather ceases to live. ** Act V, scene i * Words writ in waters. ** Act V, scene ii<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> <!--** Compare: [[Keats]]' epitaph--> * They're only truly great who are truly good. ** Act V, scene ii<!--; reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> === ''Alphonsus, Emperor of Germany'' (1654) === :<small>Attributed, probably falsely, to Chapman. Perhaps written by [[George Peele]]</small> * I know an Englishman,<br />Being flattered, is a lamb; threatened, a lion. ** Act I, scene ii, lines 208–209 {{Disputed end}} == Quotes about Chapman == [[File:On First Looking into Chapman's Homer (cropped).png|thumb|Oft of one wide expanse had I been told<br />That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne;<br />Yet did I never breathe its pure serene<br />Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold.<br />—[[John Keats]]]] * If [[Homer]] could return from Elysium to read all the English renderings, he would surely find in Chapman his truest son, a man who has fed on lions' marrow. ** [[w:Douglas Bush|Douglas Bush]], ''English Literature in the Earlier Seventeenth Century, 1600–1660'' (1962), p. 63 * The translation of Homer, published by George Chapman, in the reign of queen Elizabeth and king James, is one of the greatest treasures the English language has to boast. ** [[William Godwin]], ''Lives of Edward and John Philips'' (1815), Chap. X, p. 242 * He has more thinking than many of the old dramatists; and the praise of one of his critics, though strongly worded, is not without some foundation, that we "seldom find richer contemplations on the nature of man and the world." ** [[w:Henry Hallam|Henry Hallam]], ''Introduction to the Literature of Europe'' (1839), p. 621 * Chapman, ... where he lays aside the gravity of the philosopher and poet, discovers an unexpected comic vein, distinguished by equal truth of nature and lively good humour. ** [[William Hazlitt]], ''Lectures on the Dramatic Literature of the Age of Elizabeth'' (1821), p. 107 * Much have I travell'd in the realms of gold,<br />And many goodly states and kingdoms seen;<br />Round many western islands have I been<br />Which bards in fealty to Apollo hold.<br />Oft of one wide expanse had I been told<br />That deep-brow'd Homer ruled as his demesne;<br />Yet did I never breathe its pure serene<br />Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold:<br />Then felt I like some watcher of the skies<br />When a new planet swims into his ken;<br />Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes<br />He stared at the Pacific—and all his men<br />Look'd at each other with a wild surmise—<br />Silent, upon a peak in Darien. ** [[John Keats]], "[[w:On First Looking into Chapman's Homer|On First Looking into Chapman's Homer]]" (1816) [[File:Charles Lamb by William Hazlitt.jpg|thumb|He would have made a great epic poet if, indeed, he has not abundantly shown himself to be one; for his Homer is not so properly a translation as the stories of Achilles and Ulysses re-written. The earnestness and passion which he has put into every part of these poems would be incredible to a reader of mere modern translations.—[[Charles Lamb]]]] * Of all the English Play-writers, Chapman perhaps approaches nearest to [[Shakspeare]] in the descriptive and didactic, in passages which are less purely dramatic. Dramatic Imitation was not his talent. He could not go out of himself, as Shakspeare could shift at pleasure, to inform and animate other existences, but in himself he had an eye to perceive and a soul to embrace all forms. He would have made a great Epic Poet, if, indeed, he has not abundantly shown himself to be one; for his [[Homer]] is not so properly a Translation as the Stories of Achilles and Ulysses re-written. The earnestness and passion which he has put into every part of these poems would be incredible to a reader of mere modern translations. His almost Greek zeal for the honour of his heroes is only paralleled by that fierce spirit of Hebrew bigotry, with which [[Milton]], as if personating one of the Zealots of the old law, clothed himself when he sate down to paint the acts of Samson against the Uncircumcised. The great obstacle to Chapman's Translations being read is their unconquerable quaintness. He pours out in the same breath the most just and natural and the most violent and forced expressions. He seems to grasp whatever words come first to hand during the impetus of inspiration, as if all other must be inadequate to the divine meaning. But passion (the all in all in Poetry) is everywhere present, raising the low, dignifying the mean, and putting sense into the absurd. He makes his readers glow, weep, tremble, take any affection which he pleases, be moved by words, or in spite of them, be disgusted and overcome their disgust. I have often thought that the vulgar misconception of Shakspeare, as of a wild irregular genius "in whom great faults are compensated by great beauties," would be really true applied to Chapman. ** [[Charles Lamb]], ''Specimens of English Dramatic Poets, who lived about the time of Shakspeare'' (1808), footnote on pp. 98–99 == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|Author:George Chapman}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Chapman, George}} [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Playwrights from England]] [[Category:1634 deaths]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] tfq14xgjud3apjn0rs9db32at0i7pz0 0 2863 3944592 3939427 2026-05-23T21:34:36Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944592 wikitext text/x-wiki :''For the Lord Chancellor, see [[William Cowper, 1st Earl Cowper]].'' [[File:William Cowper by Lemuel Francis Abbott.jpg|thumb|Knowledge is proud that he has learned so much; <br /> Wisdom is humble that he knows no more.]] '''[[w:William Cowper|William Cowper]]''' ([[26 November]] [[1731]] – [[25 April]] [[1800]]) was an English poet and hymnodist. :''See also: [[The Task (poem)|The Task]]'' == Quotes == [[File:Claude Raguet Hirst, Poems by William Cowper, ca. 1890-1905.jpg|thumb|Truths... <br /> Shine by the side of every path we tread <br /> With such a luster, he that runs may read.]] * No dancing bear was so genteel<br />Or half so [[wikt:dégagé|dégagé]]. ** "Of Himself", l. 31 (wr. 1752; pub. <!--by Croft, -->1825) * Absence from whom we love is worse than death, <br /> And frustrate hope severer than despair. ** "Hope, like the short-lived ray", l. 35 (wr. c. 1757; pub. <!--by Croft, -->1825)<!--''Poems of the Inner Temple'', 4th ed. (1782)--> * Damned below Judas; more abhorred than he was. ** "Hatred and vengeance, my eternal portion", st. 2 (wr. c. 1774; pub. 1816) * Man disobeys, and deity disowns me. ** "Hatred and vengeance, my eternal portion", st. 3 (wr. c. 1774; pub. 1816) * But oars alone can ne'er prevail <br /> To reach the distant coast; <br /> The breath of Heaven must swell the sail, <br /> Or all the toil is lost. ** "Human Frailty", l. 21 (1779) * Oh! I could thresh his old jacket till I made his pension jingle in his pockets. ** Letter to the Rev. William Unwin (31 October 1779) on Dr. [[Samuel Johnson|Johnson]]'s criticism of ''[[Paradise Lost]]''<!--J. King and C. Ryskamp (eds.) ''Letters and Prose Writings of William Cowper'', vol. 1 (1979) p. 308--> * Reasoning at every step he treads, <br /> Man yet mistakes his way, <br /> While meaner things, whom instinct leads, <br /> Are rarely known to stray. ** "The Doves", l. 1 (1780) * Fate steals along with silent tread, <br /> Found oftenest in what least we dread, <br /> Frowns in the storm with angry brow, <br /> But in the sunshine strikes the blow. ** "A Fable"<!--(or "The Raven")-->, l. 36 (1780)<!--''Poems of the Inner Temple'', 4th ed. (1782) pp. 302–3--> * 'Tis Providence alone secures <br /> In every change both mine and yours. ** "A Fable", Moral (1780)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * '''Regions Caesar never knew <br /> Thy posterity shall sway'''; <br /> Where his eagles never flew, <br /> None invincible as they. ** "Boadicea", st. 8 (1782) * Ruffians, pitiless as proud, <br /> Heaven awards the vengeance due; <br /> Empire is on us bestowed, <br /> Shame and ruin wait for you. ** "Boadicea", st. 11 (1782) * Sweet stream that winds through yonder glade, <br /> Apt emblem of a virtuous maid <br /> Silent and chaste she steals along, <br /> Far from the world's gay busy throng: <br /> With gentle yet prevailing force, <br /> Intent upon her destined course; <br /> '''Graceful and useful all she does, <br /> Blessing and blest where'er she goes; <br /> Pure-bosom'd as that watery glass, <br /> And Heaven reflected in her face.''' ** "To a Young Lady" (1782) * Candid, and generous, and just, <br /> Boys care but little whom they trust, <br /> An error soon corrected— <br /> For who but learns in riper years <br /> That man, when smoothest he appears <br /> Is most to be suspected? ** "Friendship", l. 19 (1782) * Thus neither the praise nor the blame is our own. ** "From a Letter to the Rev. Mr. Newton", l. 21 (1782) * Grief is itself a med'cine. ** "Charity", l. 159 (1782) * Canst thou, and honour’d with a Christian name,<br />Buy what is woman-born, and feel no shame?<br />Trade in the blood of innocence, and plead<br />Expedience as a warrant for the deed?<br />So may the wolf, whom famine has made bold<br />To quit the forest and invade the fold:<br />So may the ruffian, who with ghostly glide,<br />Dagger in hand, steals close to your bedside;<br />Not he, but his emergence forced the door,<br />'''He found it inconvenient to be poor.''' ** "Charity", l. 180 (1782) * When one that holds communion with the skies <br /> Has fill'd his urn where these pure waters rise, <br /> And once more mingles with us meaner things, <br /> 'Tis e'en as if an angel shook his wings. ** "Charity", l. 435 (1782)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * True Charity, a plant divinely nurs'd. ** "Charity", l. 573 (1782<!--1781-->) * Let Charity forgive me a mistake,<br />That zeal, not vanity, has chanced to make,<br />And '''spare the poet for his subject’s sake.''' ** "Charity", l. 634 (1782) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Thousands, careless of the damning sin,<br />Kiss the book's outside who ne'er look within. ** "Expostulation", l. 388 (1782) * The man that hails you Tom or Jack, <br /> And proves, by thumping on your back, <br /> His sense of your great merit, <br /> Is such a friend that one had need <br /> Be very much his friend indeed <br /> To pardon or to bear it. ** "On Friendship", l. 169 (1782)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Men deal with life as children with their play,<br />Who first misuse, then cast their toys away. ** "Hope", l. 127 (1782) * Could he with reason murmur at his case,<br />Himself sole author of his own disgrace? ** "Hope", l. 316 (1782) * And differing judgments serve but to declare,<br />That truth lies somewhere, if we knew but where. ** "Hope", l. 423 (1782) * A knave, when tried on honesty's plain rule, <br /> And, when by that of reason, a mere fool. ** "Hope" (1782) * Oh, fond attempt to give a deathless lot <br /> To names ignoble, born to be forgot! ** "On Observing Some Names of Little Note Recorded in the ''Biographica Britannica''" (1782) * There goes the parson, O illustrious spark! <br /> And there, scarce less illustrious, goes the clerk. ** "On Observing Some Names of Little Note Recorded in the ''Biographica Britannica''" (1782)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * He has no hope that never had a fear. ** "Truth", l. 298 (1782) * Just knows, and knows no more, her Bible true,— <br /> A truth the brilliant Frenchman never knew. ** "Truth", l. 327 (1782)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * The sounding jargon of the schools. ** "Truth", l. 367 (1782)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * But what is man in his own proud esteem? <br /> Hear him, himself the poet and the theme; <br /> A monarch clothed with majesty and awe, <br /> His mind his kingdom and his will his law. ** "Truth", l. 403 (1782) [[File:Oriau Gydag Enwogion (William Cowper) (cropped).jpg|thumb|The surliest of his kind,<br />Who, nursed with tender care,<br />And to domestic bounds confined,<br />Was still a wild Jack hare.]] * Old Tiney, the surliest of his kind!<br />&nbsp;&nbsp; Who, nursed with tender care,<br />And to domestic bounds confined,<br />&nbsp;&nbsp; Was still a wild Jack hare.{{pb}}Though duly from my hand he took<br />&nbsp;&nbsp; His pittance every night,<br />He did it with a jealous look;<br />&nbsp;&nbsp; And, when he could, would bite. ** "Epitaph on a Hare", sts. 2 and 3 (wr. 1783; pub. <!-- in the ''Gentleman's Magazine''-->1784)<!--Brian Vesey-Fitzgerald, ''It's My Delight'' (London: Eyre & Spottiswoode, 1947) p. 19--> * Our severest winter, commonly called the spring. ** Letter to the Rev. William Unwin (8 June 1783)<!--J. King and C. Ryskamp (eds.) ''Letters and Prose Writings of William Cowper'', vol. 2 (1981) p. 139--> [[File:Thomas Greene (probably) by George Romney.jpg|thumb|I believe no man was ever scolded out of his sins.]] * '''I believe no man was ever scolded out of his sins.''' ** Letter to the Rev. [[John Newton]] (17 June 1783) * Mr. Grenville squeezed me by the hand again, kissed the ladies, and withdrew. He kissed likewise the maid in the kitchen, and seemed upon the whole a most loving, kissing, kind-hearted gentleman. ** Letter to the Rev. John Newton (29 March 1784)<!--J. King and C. Ryskamp (eds.) ''Letters and Prose Writings of William Cowper'', vol. 2 (1981) p. 229--> * The poplars are felled, farewell to the shade<br />And the whispering sound of the cool colonnade. ** "The Poplar-Field" (wr. 1784) * An honest man, close-buttoned to the chin, <br /> Broadcloth without, and a warm heart within. ** "Epistle to Joseph Hill", l. 62 (1785) * But truths on which depends our main concern, <br /> That 'tis our shame and mistery not to learn, <br /> Shine by the side of every path we tread <br /> With such a luster, he that runs may read. ** "Tirocinium", l. 77 (1785) **:<small>Cf. [[Book of Habakkuk|Habakkuk]] 2:2</small> * Public schools 'tis public folly feeds. ** "Tirocinium", l. 250 (1785) * The parson knows enough who knows a duke. ** "Tirocinium", l. 403 (1785) * Behold your bishop! well he plays his part,<br />Christian in name, and infidel in heart,<br />Ghostly in office, earthly in his plan,<br />A slave at court, elsewhere a lady’s man.<br />Dumb as a senator, and '''as a priest<br />A piece of mere church furniture at best.''' ** "Tirocinium", l. 421 (1785) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Tenants of life’s middle state,<br />Securely placed between the small and great. ** "Tirocinium", l. 807 (1785) * A [[worm]] is in the bud of youth, <br /> And at the root of age. ** "Stanzas subjoined to a Bill of Mortality" (1787)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Toll for the brave &mdash; <br /> The brave! that are no more; <br /> All sunk beneath the wave, <br /> Fast by their native shore! ** "On the Loss of the Royal George", st. 1 (wr. 1782; pub. 1791) * And still to love, though prest with ill, <br /> In wintry age to feel no chill, <br /> With me is to be lovely still, <br /> My Mary! ** "To Mary", st. 11 (1791) * Visits are insatiable devourers of time, and fit only for those who, if they did not that, would do nothing. ** Letter to the Rev. John Johnson (29 September 1793) * My dog! what remedy remains,<br />Since, teach you all I can,<br />I see you, after all my pains,<br />So much resemble man! ** "On a Spaniel called Beau, killing a young bird (wr. 1793) * Beware of desp'rate steps! The darkest day <br /> (Live till tomorrow) will have passed away. ** "The Needless Alarm", Moral, l. 132 (1794<!--wr. c. 1790-->) * Misses! the tale that I relate <br /> This lesson seems to carry &mdash; <br /> Choose not alone a proper mate, <br /> But proper time to marry. ** "Pairing Time Anticipated", Moral (c. 1794) * I shall not ask [[Jean Jacques Rousseau]], <br /> If birds confabulate or no. ** "Passing Time Anticipated" (1795) * Thy morning bounties ere I left my home, <br /> The biscuit, or confectionary plum. ** "On the Receipt of my Mother's Picture out of Norfolk", l. 60 (1798) * Me howling winds drive devious, tempest-tossed, <br /> Sails ripped, seams op'ning wide, and compass lost. ** "On the Receipt of my Mother's Picture out of Norfolk", l. 102 (1798) * Oh that those lips had language! Life has pass'd <br /> With me but roughly since I heard thee last. ** "On the Receipt of my Mother's Picture out of Norfolk" (1798)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * The son of parents pass'd into the skies. ** "On the Receipt of my Mother's Picture out of Norfolk" (1798)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * Misery still delights to trace <br /> Its semblance in another's case. ** "The Castaway" (1799) * No voice divine the storm allay'd, <br /> No light propitious shone; <br /> When, snatch'd from all effectual aid, <br /> We perish'd, each alone; <br /> But I beneath a rougher sea, <br /> And whelmed in deeper gulphs than he. ** "The Castaway", l. 61 (1799) === ''[[w:Olney Hymns|Olney Hymns]]'' (1779) === [[File:Olney Parish Church, Stained Glass Window (1) - geograph.org.uk - 814709.jpg|thumb|God moves in a mysterious way, <br /> His wonders to perform; <br /> He plants his footsteps in the sea, <br /> And rides upon the storm.]] <!--[[File:Hubble Extreme Deep Field (full resolution).png|thumb|Deep in unfathomable mines <br /> Of never failing skill, <br /> He treasures up his bright designs, <br /> And works his sovereign will.]]--> [[File:Jan Brueghel (I) and Hans Rottenhammer - Rest on the Flight into Egypt.jpg|thumb|His purposes will ripen fast, <br /> Unfolding every hour; <br /> The bud may have a bitter taste, <br /> But sweet will be the flower.]] [[File:Bellini,Giovanni - Agony in the Garden - National Gallery.jpg|thumb|Blind unbelief is sure to err, <br /> And scan his work in vain; <br /> God is his own interpreter, <br /> And he will make it plain.]] * Oh! for a closer walk with God, <br /> A calm and heav'nly frame; <br /> A light to shine upon the road <br /> That leads me to the Lamb! ** No. 1<!--or 3?-->, "Walking With God", st. 1 * What peaceful hours I once enjoyed! <br /> How sweet their memory still! <br /> But they have left an aching void <br /> The world can never fill. ** No. 1, "Walking With God", st. 3 * And Satan trembles when he sees<br/>The weakest saint upon his knees. ** No. 29, "Exhortation to Prayer" * '''God moves in a mysterious way''', <br /> His wonders to perform; <br /> He plants his footsteps in the sea, <br /> And rides upon the storm. ** No. 35, "Light Shining out of Darkness", st. 1 ** The first line is often paraphrased: "God works in mysterious ways." * Deep in unfathomable mines <br /> Of never failing skill, <br /> He treasures up his bright designs, <br /> And works his sovereign will. ** No. 35, "Light Shining out of Darkness", st. 2 * Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,<br />The clouds ye so much dread,<br />Are big with mercy, and shall break<br />In blessings on your head. ** No. 35, "Light Shining out of Darkness", st. 3 * Behind a frowning providence <br /> He hides a smiling face. ** No. 35, "Light Shining out of Darkness", st. 4 * His purposes will ripen fast, <br /> Unfolding every hour; <br /> The bud may have a bitter taste, <br /> But sweet will be the flower. ** No. 35, "Light Shining out of Darkness", st. 5 * Blind unbelief is sure to err, <br /> And scan his work in vain; <br /> '''God is his own interpreter''', <br /> And he will make it plain. ** No. 35, "Light Shining out of Darkness", st. 6 * There is a fountain fill'd with blood <br /> Drawn from Emmanuel's veins; <br /> And sinners, plung'd beneath that flood, <br /> Lose all their guilty stains. ** No. 79, "Praise for the Fountain Opened" * Hark, my soul! it is the Lord;<br />'Tis thy (Saviour, hear his word;<br />Jesus speaks, and speaks to thee:<br />"Say, poor sinner, lov'st thou me?" ** No. 118, "Lovest Thou Me?", st. 1 === ''Table Talk'' (1782) === * Glory, built<br/>On selfish principles, is shame and guilt. ** Line 1 * Is base in kind, and born to be a slave. ** Line 28 * As if the world and they were hand and glove. ** Line 173 * Admirals extolled for standing still, <br /> Or doing nothing with a deal of skill. ** Line 192 * Thus happiness depends, as Nature shows, <br /> Less on exterior things than most suppose. ** Line 246 * Freedom has a thousand charms to show, <br /> That slaves, howe'er contented, never know. ** Line 260 * Stamps God's own name upon a lie just made, <br /> To turn a penny in the way of trade. ** Line 420 ([[Perjury]]) * I play with syllables and sport in song. ** Line 505<!--''From:First of the Moral Satires''?--> * Manner is all in all, whate'er is writ, <br /> The substitute for genius, sense, and wit. ** Line 542 * Ages elapsed ere Homer's lamp appear'd, <br /> And ages ere the Mantuan swan was heard: <br /> To carry nature lengths unknown before, <br /> To give a Milton birth, ask'd ages more. ** Line 556 * Elegant as simplicity, and warm <br /> As ecstasy. ** Line 588 * Low ambition and the thirst of praise. ** Line 591 * But he (his musical finesse was such, <br /> So nice his ear, so delicate his touch) <br /> '''Made poetry a mere mechanic art,''' <br /> And ev'ry warbler has his tune by heart. ** Line 652 ([[Alexander Pope|Pope]]) * Nature, exerting an unwearied power, <br /> Forms, opens, and gives scent to every flower; <br /> Spreads the fresh verdure of the field, and leads <br /> The dancing Naiads through the dewy meads. ** Line 690 === ''The Progress of Error'' (1782) === * Lights of the world, and stars of human race. ** Line 97 * Oh, laugh or mourn with me the rueful jest,<br />A cassock’d huntsman and a fiddling priest! ** Line 110 * Himself a wanderer from the narrow way,<br />His silly sheep, what wonder if they stray? ** Line 118 * Remorse, the fatal egg by Pleasure laid. ** Line 239<!--240--> * As creeping ivy clings to wood or stone,<br />And hides the ruin that it feeds upon;<br />So sophistry cleaves close to and protects<br />Sin’s rotten trunk, concealing its defects. ** Line 285 * How much a dunce that has been sent to roam <br /> Excels a dunce that has been kept at home.<!--'!' for '.'--> ** Line 415 * How shall I speak thee, or thy power address,<br />Thou god of our idolatry, the Press?<br />By thee religion, liberty, and laws,<br />Exert their influence and advance their cause:<br />By thee worse plagues than Pharaoh’s land befell,<br />Diffused, make Earth the vestibule of Hell;<br />Thou fountain, at which drink the good and wise,<br />Thou ever-bubbling spring of endless lies;<br />Like Eden’s dread probationary tree,<br />Knowledge of good and evil is from thee!<!--'.' for '!'--> ** Line 464 * No wild enthusiast ever yet could rest,<br/>Till half mankind were like himself possess'd. ** Line 470 * Laugh at all you trembled at before. ** Line 592 === ''Conversation'' (1782) === * ''''Tis hard if all is false that I advance, <br /> A fool must now and then be right by chance.''' ** Line 96 * He would not, with a peremptory tone, <br /> Assert the nose upon his face his own. ** Line 121 * A moral, sensible, and well-bred man <br /> Will not affront me, and no other can. ** Line 193 * A tale should be judicious, clear, succinct; <br /> The language plain, and incidents well link’d; <br /> Tell not as new what ev’ry body knows; <br /> And, new or old, still hasten to a close. ** Line 235 * The pipe, with solemn interposing puff,<br />Makes half a sentence at a time enough;<br />The dozing sages drop the drowsy strain,<br />Then pause, and puff—and speak, and pause again. ** Line 245 * Pernicious weed! whose scent the fair annoys, <br /> Unfriendly to society's chief joys, <br /> Thy worst effect is banishing for hours <br /> The sex whose presence civilizes ours. ** Line 251 * I cannot talk with civet in the room, <br /> A fine puss-gentleman that's all perfume. ** Line 283 * The solemn fop; significant and budge; <br /> A fool with judges, amongst fools a judge. ** Line 299 * His wit invites you by his looks to come, <br /> But when you knock it never is at home. ** Line 303 * I pity bashful men, who feel the pain <br /> Of fancied scorn and undeserved disdain, <br /> And bear the marks upon a blushing face, <br /> Of needless shame, and self-impos'd disgrace. ** Line 347 * Our wasted oil unprofitably burns, <br /> Like hidden lamps in old sepulchral urns. ** Line 357 * That good diffused may more abundant grow. ** Line 443 * But that disease when soberly defined<br/>Is the false fire of an o'erheated mind. ** Line 667; of fanaticism * But Conversation, choose what theme we may, <br /> And chiefly when religion leads the way, <br /> Should flow, like waters after summer show'rs, <br /> Not as if raised by mere mechanic powers. ** Line 703 === ''Retirement'' (1782) === * The disencumbered Atlas of the state. ** Line 394 (1782) * He likes the country, but in truth must own, <br /> Most likes it, when he studies it in town. ** Line 573 (1782) * A business with an income at its heels <br /> Furnishes always oil for its own wheels. ** Line 615 * Absence of occupation is not rest, <br /> A mind quite vacant is a mind distressed. ** Line 623 * An idler is a watch that wants both hands; <br /> As useless when it goes as when it stands. ** Line 681 * Built God a church, and laugh'd his word to scorn. ** Line 688 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Philologists, who chase<br />A panting syllable through time and space,<br />Start it at home, and hunt it in the dark,<br />To Gaul, to Greece, and into Noah's ark. ** Line 691 * Till authors hear at length, one general cry,<br />Tickle and entertain us, or we die!<!--'.' for '!'-->The loud demand from year to year the same,<br />Beggars invention and makes fancy lame. ** Line 707 * I praise the Frenchman, his remark was shrewd &mdash; <br /> How sweet, how passing sweet, is solitude! <br /> But grant me still a friend in my retreat <br /> Whom I may whisper &mdash; solitude is sweet. ** Line 739 ([[Voltaire]]) === Verses supposed to be written by Alexander Selkirk (1782) === :<small>[[w:Alexander Selkirk|Selkirk]] was the inspiration for [[Daniel Defoe|Defoe]]'s ''Robinson Crusoe''</small> [[File:Alexander Selkirk Statue (cropped).jpg|thumb|O solitude! where are the charms <br /> That sages have seen in thy face? <br /> Better dwell in the midst of alarms <br /> Than reign in this horrible place.]] [[File:Selkirk reading his Bible.png|thumb|Society friendship and love <br /> Divinely bestow'd upon man, <br /> O had I the wings of a dove <br /> How soon I would taste you again!]] * '''I am monarch of all I survey''', <br /> My right there is none to dispute; <br /> From the center all round to the sea <br /> I am lord of the fowl and the brute. ** Line 1 * O solitude! where are the charms <br /> That sages have seen in thy face? <br /> Better dwell in the midst of alarms <br /> Than reign in this horrible place. ** Line 5 * I am out of humanity's reach. <br /> I must finish my journey alone, <br /> Never hear the sweet music of speech; <br /> I start at the sound of my own. ** Line 9 * Society friendship and love <br /> Divinely bestow'd upon man, <br /> O had I the wings of a dove <br /> How soon I would taste you again! ** Line 17 * Religion! what treasure untold<br/>Resides in that heavenly word! ** Line 25 * My friends, do they now and then send <br /> A wish or a thought after me? <br /> '''O tell me I yet have a friend, <br /> Though a friend I am never to see.''' ** Line 37 * There is mercy in every place, <br /> And mercy, encouraging thought! <br /> Gives even affliction a grace <br /> And reconciles man to his lot. ** Line 53 * But the sound of the church-going bell <br /> These valleys and rocks never heard; <br /> Ne'er sigh'd at the sound of a knell, <br /> Or smiled when a Sabbath appear'd. ** Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) * How fleet is a glance of the mind! <br /> Compared with the speed of its flight <br /> The tempest itself lags behind, <br /> And the swift-winged arrows of light. ** Reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) === ''[[s:The Diverting History of John Gilpin|The Diverting History of John Gilpin]]'' (1785) === * John Gilpin was a citizen<br />Of credit and renown,<br />A train-band captain eke was he,<br />Of famous London town. ** St. 1 * My sister, and my sister’s child,<br />Myself, and children three,<br />Will fill the chaise; so you must ride<br />On horseback after we. ** St. 4 * O'erjoyed was he to find<br />That, '''though on pleasure she was bent, <br /> She had a frugal mind.''' ** St. 8 * The dogs did bark, the children screamed, <br /> Up flew the windows all; <br /> And every soul cried out, "Well done!" <br /> As loud as he could bawl. ** St. 28 * A hat not much the worse for wear. ** St. 46 * Now let us sing &mdash; Long live the king, <br /> And Gilpin, long live he; <br /> And, when he next doth ride abroad, <br /> May I be there to see! ** St. 63 === ''The Negro's Complaint'' (1788) === * Forced from home and all its pleasures <br /> Afric's coast I left forlorn, <br /> To increase a stranger's treasures <br /> O'er the raging billows borne. <br /> Men from England bought and sold me, <br /> Paid my price in paltry gold; <br /> But, though slave they have enrolled me, <br /> Minds are never to be sold. ** Lines 1-8 * Fleecy locks and black complexion <br /> Cannot forfeit nature's claim; <br /> Skins may differ, but affection <br /> Dwells in white and black the same. ** Lines 13-16 * Deem our nation brutes no longer, <br /> Till some reason ye shall find <br /> Worthier of regard and stronger <br /> Than the colour of our kind. ** Lines 49-52 * Prove that you have human feelings, <br /> Ere you proudly question ours! ** Lines 55-56 ===''The Yardley Oak'' (1791)=== * Survivor sole, and hardly such, of all<br/>that once lived here ** Lines 1-2 * It seems idolatry with some excuse,<br/>When our forefather Druids in their oaks<br/>Imagined sanctity. ** Lines 9-11 * Thou wast a [[wikt:bauble|bauble]] once; a cup and ball,<br/>Which babes might play with; and the thievish jay<br/>Seeking her food, with ease might have purloined<br/>The auburn [[Nut (fruit)|nut]] that held thee, swallowing down<br/>Thy yet close-folded latitude of boughs<br/>And all thine '''embryo vastness''' at a gulp.<br/>But fate thy growth decreed. ** Lines 18-23 * So Fancy dreams. Disprove it, if ye can,<br/>Ye reasoners broad awake, whose busy search<br/>Of argument, employed too oft amiss,<br/>Sifts half the pleasures of short life away! ** Lines 29-32 === Translations === * I will venture to assert, that a just translation of any ancient poet in rhyme is impossible. No human ingenuity can be equal to the task of closing every couplet with sounds homotonous, expressing at the same time the full sense, and only the full sense of his original. ** ''The Iliad of Homer: translated into English blank verse'' (1791) preface * As when around the clear bright [[moon]], the stars<br />Shine in full splendor, and the winds are hush'd,<br />The groves, the mountain-tops, the headland-heights<br />Stand all apparent, not a vapor streaks<br />The boundless blue, but ether open'd wide<br />All glitters, and the shepherd's heart is cheer'd. ** ''The Iliad of Homer: translated into English blank verse'' (1791) bk. 8, l. 643 * My soul<br />Shall bear ''that'' also; for, by practice taught,<br />I have learned patience, having much endured. ** ''The Odyssey of Homer: translated into English blank verse'' (1791) bk. 5, l. 264 * He that holds fast the golden mean, <br /> And lives contentedly between <br /> The little and the great, <br /> Feels not the wants that pinch the poor, <br /> Nor plagues that haunt the rich man's door. ** Translation of [[Horace]], ''Odes'', bk. 2, no. 10<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * There is a bird who by his coat, <br /> And by the hoarseness of his note, <br /> Might be supposed a crow. ** "The Jackdaw" (translation from [[Vincent Bourne]])<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> * He sees that this great roundabout <br /> The world, with all its motley rout, <br /> Church, army, physic, law, <br /> Its customs and its businesses, <br /> Is no concern at all of his, <br /> And says—what says he?—Caw. ** "The Jackdaw" (translation from Vincent Bourne)<!--''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)--> ===''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919)=== :{{Bartlett1919}} * A kick that scarce would move a horse <br /> May kill a sound divine. ** ''The Yearly Distress'' * And the tear that is wiped with a little address, <br /> May be follow'd perhaps by a smile. ** ''The Rose'' * I shall not ask Jean Jacques Rousseau <br /> If birds confabulate or no. ** ''Pairing Time Anticipated'' * The path of sorrow, and that path alone, <br /> Leads to the land where sorrow is unknown. ** ''To an Afflicted Protestant Lady'' * For 'tis a truth well known to most, <br /> That whatsoever thing is lost, <br /> We seek it, ere it come to light, <br /> In every cranny but the right. ** ''The Retired Cat'' * But strive still to be a man before your mother. ** ''Connoisseur''. Motto of No. iii {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * Ever let the Fancy roam, <br /> Pleasure never is at home. ** Actually the opening lines of [[John Keats|Keats]]'s "Fancy" (1820) * No man can be a patriot on an empty stomach. ** From the writings of [[w:William Cowper Brann|William Cowper Brann]] (1855 – 1898), known as Brann the Iconoclast. [http://www.google.co.uk/books?id=zc6W3a68NsoC&pg=PA60&dq=%22patriot+on+an+empty%22+inauthor:Brann&as_brr=0&sig=an5LOns0MG1gg4C2x7VNE1HdeuI] * The innocent seldom find an uncomfortable pillow. ** A misquotation of "The innocent seldom find an uneasy pillow", from [[James Fenimore Cooper]]'s ''The Red Rover'' (1827), ch. 23. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Cowper == * The mind of Cowper was, so to speak, naturally terrestrial. If a man wishes for a nice appreciation of the details of time and sense, let him consult Cowper's miscellaneous letters. Each simple event of every day—each petty object of external observation or inward suggestion, is there chronicled with a fine and female fondness, a wise and happy faculty, let us say, of deriving a gentle happiness from the tranquil and passing hour. ** [[Walter Bagehot]], "William Cowper" in ''The National Review'' (1855), p. 52 * Cowper, writing after [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], had the advantage of knowing what to avoid; but he was misled by a false analogy, and seeing in [[John Milton|Milton]] a great epic poet, austere in his manner and repellent of meretricious ornament, attempted to force on [[Homer]] a [[blank verse|style]] which, rightly considered, is almost as artificial as [[Virgil]]'s, and which, moreover, he was himself unequal to wield. ** [[John Conington]], on Cowper's translation of Homer, in ''Oxford Essays'' (1855), "The Poetry of Pope", p. 30 * Have you ever read the letters of the poet Cowper? He had nothing—literally nothing—to tell anyone about; private life in a sleepy country town where Evangelical distrust of "the world" denied him even such miserable society as the place would have afforded. And yet one reads a whole volume of his letters with unfailing interest. How his tooth came loose at dinner, how he made a hutch for a tame hare, what he is doing about his cucumbers—all this he makes one follow as if the fate of empires hung on it. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], letter to his father (25 February 1928) — in ''Letters of C. S. Lewis'' (1966), p. 124 * We can not but admire a man who, subject to a lifelong illness that inflicted with frequent recurrence an intense mental agony, fought persistently against his weakness—at times their master, at times a victim to their influence. Still he did not flinch even under this torture, but held his pen and pressed it to write in a cause which was distinctly unpopular. Cowper was preeminently a poet of feelings; he may have been melancholy, but he pointed out to his readers how they were themselves subjects of emotion. He owed a debt to Providence, and he rebuked the people for their follies. In doing so he was regardless of his own fame and of their opprobrium. He gave them tolerable advice, and strove to awaken them from their apathy to a sense of their duty towards their neighbours. First of poets, since the days of Milton, to champion the sacredness of religion, he was the forerunner of a new school that disliked the political satires of the disciples of Pope, and aimed at borrowing for their lines of song from the simple beauties of a perfect nature. ** [[A. Edmund Spender]], "The Centenary of Cowper", in ''The Westminster Review'', Vol. 153 (May, 1900), p. 545 *In the ‘[[w:The Task (poem)|Task]],’ his playfulness, his exquisite appreciation of simple natural beauties, and his fine moral perceptions found full expression. Cowper now revealed himself in his natural character. He speaks as the gentle recluse, describes his surroundings playfully and pathetically, and is no longer declaiming from the rostrum or pulpit of the old-fashioned satirist. **[[Leslie Stephen]], '[[wikisource:Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Cowper, William (1731-1800)|Cowper, William]]', ''Dictionary of National Biography, Volume XII. Conder—Craigie'', ed. Leslie Stephen (1887), p. 399 *The pathos of some minor poems is unsurpassable. Cowper is attractive whenever he shows his genuine self. **[[Leslie Stephen]], '[[wikisource:Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Cowper, William (1731-1800)|Cowper, William]]', ''Dictionary of National Biography, Volume XII. Conder—Craigie'', ed. Leslie Stephen (1887), p. 401 ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} * {{gutenberg author| id=William+Cowper+(1731-1800) | name=William Cowper}} * [http://www.ccel.org/c/cowper/works/home.html Complete Poetical Works of William Cowper] at [[w:Christian Classics Ethereal Library|CCEL]] *''[http://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/gutbook/lookup?num=3698 The Task, and Other Poems]'' at [[w:Project Gutenberg|Project Gutenberg]] * [http://www.theotherpages.org/poems/cowper01.html Selected Poems at The Poet's Corner] * [http://eir.library.utoronto.ca/rpo/display/poet79.html Selected Poetry of Cowper at the University of Toronto] *[http://www.bibliomania.com/Poetry/Cowper/Odyssey Electronic text of Cowper's "Odyssey" translation at bibliomania.com] {{DEFAULTSORT:Cowper, William}} [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Hymnwriters from England]] [[Category:Abolitionists]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:1731 births]] [[Category:1800 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 14cxki23i5afphkogl9y4i9jhkssmnq 0 3052 3944567 3943963 2026-05-23T18:53:35Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944567 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rugrats|Rugrats]]''''' (1991–2004) is an American animated public television series aimed at children, and from ages 8 to 11. This series is about toddlers, and their daily antics. [[Rugrats (season 1)]] [[Rugrats (season 2)]] [[Rugrats (season 3)]] [[Rugrats (season 4)]] [[Rugrats (season 5)]] [[Rugrats (season 6)]] [[Rugrats (season 7)]] [[Rugrats (season 8)]] [[Rugrats (season 9)]] ==Films== * ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998) * ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000) * ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003) ==Characters== ===Main=== *Thomas Malcolm ''Tommy'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1991-2006), for all seasons, Tami Holbrook (1989), in the unaired pilot. *Charles Crandall Norbert ''Chuckie'' Finster, Jr. - voiced by [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] (1991-2004), for Seasons 1-8, [[w:Nancy Cartwright|Nancy Cartwright]] (2002-2004), for Seasons 8-9. *Angelica Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Cheryl Chase (actress)|Cheryl Chase]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Phillip Richard ''Phil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lillian Marie ''Lil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Susanna Yvonne ''Susie'' Carmichael - voiced by [[w:Cree Summer|Cree Summer]] (1993-2004), for Seasons 2-9, and redubbed ''The Last Babysitter'', and ''Angelica's Birthday'', both in Season 3, from 1994-1995, and understudied by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]], from 1993-1994, for Season 3. *Kimiko ''Kimi'' Watanabe-Finster - voiced by [[w:Dionne Quan|Dionne Quan]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Dylan Prescott ''Dil'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]], credited as ''Charendoff'' in the film version ===Adults=== *Stu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Jack Riley (actor)|Jack Riley]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons, as an adult, [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1993), for Season 3, as a baby in ''Sour Pickles'', [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (2004), for Season 9, as a baby in ''Fountain of Youth''. *Didi Pickles - voiced by [[w:Melanie Chartoff|Melanie Chartoff]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lou K. ''Pop'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:David Doyle (actor)|David Doyle]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-1998), for Seasons 1-5, and [[w:Joe Alaskey|Joe Alaskey]] (1997-2004), for Seasons 4-9. *Andrew ''Drew'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] as an adult, [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pamela Adlon]] as a baby in ''Sour Pickles''. *Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (1992-2006), for Seasons 2-9. *Betty DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] *Howard DeVille - voiced by [[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] *Charles ''Chas'' N. Finster. - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Kira Watanabe - voiced by [[w:Julia Kato (actress)|Julia Kato]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Lulu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Debbie Reynolds|Debbie Reynolds]] (2000-2002), for Seasons 6-9. ===Pets=== *Spike the Dog - voiced by [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] *Fluffy the Cat - voiced by [[Robert Skidmore as Robby Squeakmint]] (uncredited) ===Additional Voices=== *[[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] ==About ''{{PAGENAME}}''== *The origins of "Rugrats" began when Vanessa Coffee, a development executive at Nickelodeon, contacted our animation studio. I had taken fifteen months off work after my second child was born. I was working from home on concepts for "Sesame Street" shorts. Gabor Csupo, my husband at the time, asked me to come up with ideas to pitch to NICK. So, I quickly expanded notes I’d written from one of the "Sesame Street" ideas. My thoughts were, "if babies could talk what would they say" and "what was the logic that drove tiny humans to desperately want to stick their hands in the toilet?" It fascinated me, but mostly I found it humorous. Paul Germain, our development executive at the time, and Gabor Csupo then pitched several ideas to Nickelodeon. Vanessa Coffee had the foresight to choose what ultimately became "Rugrats" and Gerry Laybourne, the President of NICK at the time, had the vision to green-light it! Gabor and I sketched some of the original characters and worked with Paul on creating the world of "Rugrats". Together we produced a pilot that Peter Chung, a brilliant artist and animator, directed. The super talented Mark Mothersbaugh created the music for the show. The studio produced the "Rugrats" and "All Grown Up" series over the next decade as well as two "Rugrats" movies and a third film, where the "Rugrats" meet "The Wild Thornberrys". Our studio just exploded with work! The next ten years were intense for me because I was raising two children and working. Gabor and I continued to create or produce nine more animated series. ** [[w:Arlene Klasky|Arlene Klasky]] [http://www.comicbookmovie.com/animated_features/exclusive-rugrats-creator-arlene-klasky-discusses-new-digital-a65351 Exclusive Rugrats Creator Arlene Klasky]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.cooltoons2.com/rugrats/games/quotes/quotes.html Rugrats random quote generator at Klasky-Csupo] [[Category:Rugrats]] [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:1990s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:American children's TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] pr3runx5q1yh8iqv0e0tyfpn2ctcg2j 3944568 3944567 2026-05-23T19:08:44Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944568 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rugrats|Rugrats]]''''' (1991–2004) is an American animated public television series aimed at children, and from ages 8 to 11. This series is about toddlers, and their daily antics. ==Seasons== * [[Rugrats (season 1)|Season 1]] (1991) * [[Rugrats (season 2)|Season 2]] (1992-1993) * [[Rugrats (season 3)|Season 3]] (1993-1995) * [[Rugrats (season 4)|Season 4]] (1996-1997) * [[Rugrats (season 5)|Season 5]] (1998) * [[Rugrats (season 6)|Season 6]] (1999-2001) * [[Rugrats (season 7)|Season 7]] (2001) * [[Rugrats (season 8)|Season 8]] (2002-2004) * [[Rugrats (season 9)|Season 9]] (2002-2004) ==Films== * ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998) * ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000) * ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003) ==Characters== ===Main=== *Thomas Malcolm ''Tommy'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1991-2006), for all seasons, Tami Holbrook (1989), in the unaired pilot. *Charles Crandall Norbert ''Chuckie'' Finster, Jr. - voiced by [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] (1991-2004), for Seasons 1-8, [[w:Nancy Cartwright|Nancy Cartwright]] (2002-2004), for Seasons 8-9. *Angelica Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Cheryl Chase (actress)|Cheryl Chase]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Phillip Richard ''Phil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lillian Marie ''Lil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Susanna Yvonne ''Susie'' Carmichael - voiced by [[w:Cree Summer|Cree Summer]] (1993-2004), for Seasons 2-9, and redubbed ''The Last Babysitter'', and ''Angelica's Birthday'', both in Season 3, from 1994-1995, and understudied by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]], from 1993-1994, for Season 3. *Kimiko ''Kimi'' Watanabe-Finster - voiced by [[w:Dionne Quan|Dionne Quan]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Dylan Prescott ''Dil'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]], credited as ''Charendoff'' in the film version ===Adults=== *Stu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Jack Riley (actor)|Jack Riley]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons, as an adult, [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1993), for Season 3, as a baby in ''Sour Pickles'', [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (2004), for Season 9, as a baby in ''Fountain of Youth''. *Didi Pickles - voiced by [[w:Melanie Chartoff|Melanie Chartoff]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lou K. ''Pop'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:David Doyle (actor)|David Doyle]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-1998), for Seasons 1-5, and [[w:Joe Alaskey|Joe Alaskey]] (1997-2004), for Seasons 4-9. *Andrew ''Drew'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] as an adult, [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pamela Adlon]] as a baby in ''Sour Pickles''. *Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (1992-2006), for Seasons 2-9. *Betty DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] *Howard DeVille - voiced by [[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] *Charles ''Chas'' N. Finster. - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Kira Watanabe - voiced by [[w:Julia Kato (actress)|Julia Kato]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Lulu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Debbie Reynolds|Debbie Reynolds]] (2000-2002), for Seasons 6-9. ===Pets=== *Spike the Dog - voiced by [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] *Fluffy the Cat - voiced by [[Robert Skidmore as Robby Squeakmint]] (uncredited) ===Additional Voices=== *[[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] ==About ''{{PAGENAME}}''== *The origins of "Rugrats" began when Vanessa Coffee, a development executive at Nickelodeon, contacted our animation studio. I had taken fifteen months off work after my second child was born. I was working from home on concepts for "Sesame Street" shorts. Gabor Csupo, my husband at the time, asked me to come up with ideas to pitch to NICK. So, I quickly expanded notes I’d written from one of the "Sesame Street" ideas. My thoughts were, "if babies could talk what would they say" and "what was the logic that drove tiny humans to desperately want to stick their hands in the toilet?" It fascinated me, but mostly I found it humorous. Paul Germain, our development executive at the time, and Gabor Csupo then pitched several ideas to Nickelodeon. Vanessa Coffee had the foresight to choose what ultimately became "Rugrats" and Gerry Laybourne, the President of NICK at the time, had the vision to green-light it! Gabor and I sketched some of the original characters and worked with Paul on creating the world of "Rugrats". Together we produced a pilot that Peter Chung, a brilliant artist and animator, directed. The super talented Mark Mothersbaugh created the music for the show. The studio produced the "Rugrats" and "All Grown Up" series over the next decade as well as two "Rugrats" movies and a third film, where the "Rugrats" meet "The Wild Thornberrys". Our studio just exploded with work! The next ten years were intense for me because I was raising two children and working. Gabor and I continued to create or produce nine more animated series. ** [[w:Arlene Klasky|Arlene Klasky]] [http://www.comicbookmovie.com/animated_features/exclusive-rugrats-creator-arlene-klasky-discusses-new-digital-a65351 Exclusive Rugrats Creator Arlene Klasky]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.cooltoons2.com/rugrats/games/quotes/quotes.html Rugrats random quote generator at Klasky-Csupo] [[Category:Rugrats]] [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:1990s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:American children's TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] jxn2injjhwuwdx4ipzg4ov4fp28igdj 3944569 3944568 2026-05-23T19:09:34Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944569 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rugrats|Rugrats]]''''' (1991–2004) is an American animated television series aimed at children, and from ages 8 to 11. This series is about toddlers, and their daily antics. ==Seasons== * [[Rugrats (season 1)|Season 1]] (1991) * [[Rugrats (season 2)|Season 2]] (1992-1993) * [[Rugrats (season 3)|Season 3]] (1993-1995) * [[Rugrats (season 4)|Season 4]] (1996-1997) * [[Rugrats (season 5)|Season 5]] (1998) * [[Rugrats (season 6)|Season 6]] (1999-2001) * [[Rugrats (season 7)|Season 7]] (2001) * [[Rugrats (season 8)|Season 8]] (2002-2004) * [[Rugrats (season 9)|Season 9]] (2002-2004) ==Films== * ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998) * ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000) * ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003) ==Characters== ===Main=== *Thomas Malcolm ''Tommy'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1991-2006), for all seasons, Tami Holbrook (1989), in the unaired pilot. *Charles Crandall Norbert ''Chuckie'' Finster, Jr. - voiced by [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] (1991-2004), for Seasons 1-8, [[w:Nancy Cartwright|Nancy Cartwright]] (2002-2004), for Seasons 8-9. *Angelica Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Cheryl Chase (actress)|Cheryl Chase]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Phillip Richard ''Phil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lillian Marie ''Lil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Susanna Yvonne ''Susie'' Carmichael - voiced by [[w:Cree Summer|Cree Summer]] (1993-2004), for Seasons 2-9, and redubbed ''The Last Babysitter'', and ''Angelica's Birthday'', both in Season 3, from 1994-1995, and understudied by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]], from 1993-1994, for Season 3. *Kimiko ''Kimi'' Watanabe-Finster - voiced by [[w:Dionne Quan|Dionne Quan]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Dylan Prescott ''Dil'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]], credited as ''Charendoff'' in the film version ===Adults=== *Stu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Jack Riley (actor)|Jack Riley]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons, as an adult, [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1993), for Season 3, as a baby in ''Sour Pickles'', [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (2004), for Season 9, as a baby in ''Fountain of Youth''. *Didi Pickles - voiced by [[w:Melanie Chartoff|Melanie Chartoff]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lou K. ''Pop'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:David Doyle (actor)|David Doyle]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-1998), for Seasons 1-5, and [[w:Joe Alaskey|Joe Alaskey]] (1997-2004), for Seasons 4-9. *Andrew ''Drew'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] as an adult, [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pamela Adlon]] as a baby in ''Sour Pickles''. *Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (1992-2006), for Seasons 2-9. *Betty DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] *Howard DeVille - voiced by [[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] *Charles ''Chas'' N. Finster. - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Kira Watanabe - voiced by [[w:Julia Kato (actress)|Julia Kato]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Lulu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Debbie Reynolds|Debbie Reynolds]] (2000-2002), for Seasons 6-9. ===Pets=== *Spike the Dog - voiced by [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] *Fluffy the Cat - voiced by [[Robert Skidmore as Robby Squeakmint]] (uncredited) ===Additional Voices=== *[[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] ==About ''{{PAGENAME}}''== *The origins of "Rugrats" began when Vanessa Coffee, a development executive at Nickelodeon, contacted our animation studio. I had taken fifteen months off work after my second child was born. I was working from home on concepts for "Sesame Street" shorts. Gabor Csupo, my husband at the time, asked me to come up with ideas to pitch to NICK. So, I quickly expanded notes I’d written from one of the "Sesame Street" ideas. My thoughts were, "if babies could talk what would they say" and "what was the logic that drove tiny humans to desperately want to stick their hands in the toilet?" It fascinated me, but mostly I found it humorous. Paul Germain, our development executive at the time, and Gabor Csupo then pitched several ideas to Nickelodeon. Vanessa Coffee had the foresight to choose what ultimately became "Rugrats" and Gerry Laybourne, the President of NICK at the time, had the vision to green-light it! Gabor and I sketched some of the original characters and worked with Paul on creating the world of "Rugrats". Together we produced a pilot that Peter Chung, a brilliant artist and animator, directed. The super talented Mark Mothersbaugh created the music for the show. The studio produced the "Rugrats" and "All Grown Up" series over the next decade as well as two "Rugrats" movies and a third film, where the "Rugrats" meet "The Wild Thornberrys". Our studio just exploded with work! The next ten years were intense for me because I was raising two children and working. Gabor and I continued to create or produce nine more animated series. ** [[w:Arlene Klasky|Arlene Klasky]] [http://www.comicbookmovie.com/animated_features/exclusive-rugrats-creator-arlene-klasky-discusses-new-digital-a65351 Exclusive Rugrats Creator Arlene Klasky]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.cooltoons2.com/rugrats/games/quotes/quotes.html Rugrats random quote generator at Klasky-Csupo] [[Category:Rugrats]] [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:1990s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:American children's TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] mqltgfwsetphz4n4ywqfr9b4fjvfhff 3944570 3944569 2026-05-23T19:11:28Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944570 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rugrats|Rugrats]]''''' (1991–2004) is an American children's animated adventure comedy television series aimed at children, and from ages 8 to 11. This series is about toddlers, and their daily antics. ==Seasons== * [[Rugrats (season 1)|Season 1]] (1991) * [[Rugrats (season 2)|Season 2]] (1992-1993) * [[Rugrats (season 3)|Season 3]] (1993-1995) * [[Rugrats (season 4)|Season 4]] (1996-1997) * [[Rugrats (season 5)|Season 5]] (1998) * [[Rugrats (season 6)|Season 6]] (1999-2001) * [[Rugrats (season 7)|Season 7]] (2001) * [[Rugrats (season 8)|Season 8]] (2002-2004) * [[Rugrats (season 9)|Season 9]] (2002-2004) ==Films== * ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998) * ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000) * ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003) ==Characters== ===Main=== *Thomas Malcolm ''Tommy'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1991-2006), for all seasons, Tami Holbrook (1989), in the unaired pilot. *Charles Crandall Norbert ''Chuckie'' Finster, Jr. - voiced by [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] (1991-2004), for Seasons 1-8, [[w:Nancy Cartwright|Nancy Cartwright]] (2002-2004), for Seasons 8-9. *Angelica Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Cheryl Chase (actress)|Cheryl Chase]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Phillip Richard ''Phil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lillian Marie ''Lil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Susanna Yvonne ''Susie'' Carmichael - voiced by [[w:Cree Summer|Cree Summer]] (1993-2004), for Seasons 2-9, and redubbed ''The Last Babysitter'', and ''Angelica's Birthday'', both in Season 3, from 1994-1995, and understudied by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]], from 1993-1994, for Season 3. *Kimiko ''Kimi'' Watanabe-Finster - voiced by [[w:Dionne Quan|Dionne Quan]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Dylan Prescott ''Dil'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]], credited as ''Charendoff'' in the film version ===Adults=== *Stu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Jack Riley (actor)|Jack Riley]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons, as an adult, [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1993), for Season 3, as a baby in ''Sour Pickles'', [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (2004), for Season 9, as a baby in ''Fountain of Youth''. *Didi Pickles - voiced by [[w:Melanie Chartoff|Melanie Chartoff]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lou K. ''Pop'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:David Doyle (actor)|David Doyle]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-1998), for Seasons 1-5, and [[w:Joe Alaskey|Joe Alaskey]] (1997-2004), for Seasons 4-9. *Andrew ''Drew'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] as an adult, [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pamela Adlon]] as a baby in ''Sour Pickles''. *Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (1992-2006), for Seasons 2-9. *Betty DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] *Howard DeVille - voiced by [[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] *Charles ''Chas'' N. Finster. - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Kira Watanabe - voiced by [[w:Julia Kato (actress)|Julia Kato]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Lulu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Debbie Reynolds|Debbie Reynolds]] (2000-2002), for Seasons 6-9. ===Pets=== *Spike the Dog - voiced by [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] *Fluffy the Cat - voiced by [[Robert Skidmore as Robby Squeakmint]] (uncredited) ===Additional Voices=== *[[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] ==About ''{{PAGENAME}}''== *The origins of "Rugrats" began when Vanessa Coffee, a development executive at Nickelodeon, contacted our animation studio. I had taken fifteen months off work after my second child was born. I was working from home on concepts for "Sesame Street" shorts. Gabor Csupo, my husband at the time, asked me to come up with ideas to pitch to NICK. So, I quickly expanded notes I’d written from one of the "Sesame Street" ideas. My thoughts were, "if babies could talk what would they say" and "what was the logic that drove tiny humans to desperately want to stick their hands in the toilet?" It fascinated me, but mostly I found it humorous. Paul Germain, our development executive at the time, and Gabor Csupo then pitched several ideas to Nickelodeon. Vanessa Coffee had the foresight to choose what ultimately became "Rugrats" and Gerry Laybourne, the President of NICK at the time, had the vision to green-light it! Gabor and I sketched some of the original characters and worked with Paul on creating the world of "Rugrats". Together we produced a pilot that Peter Chung, a brilliant artist and animator, directed. The super talented Mark Mothersbaugh created the music for the show. The studio produced the "Rugrats" and "All Grown Up" series over the next decade as well as two "Rugrats" movies and a third film, where the "Rugrats" meet "The Wild Thornberrys". Our studio just exploded with work! The next ten years were intense for me because I was raising two children and working. Gabor and I continued to create or produce nine more animated series. ** [[w:Arlene Klasky|Arlene Klasky]] [http://www.comicbookmovie.com/animated_features/exclusive-rugrats-creator-arlene-klasky-discusses-new-digital-a65351 Exclusive Rugrats Creator Arlene Klasky]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.cooltoons2.com/rugrats/games/quotes/quotes.html Rugrats random quote generator at Klasky-Csupo] [[Category:Rugrats]] [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:1990s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:American children's TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] 77wnbyie78h1nmnfcosbjwy9few69bu 3944571 3944570 2026-05-23T19:11:59Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944571 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rugrats|Rugrats]]''''' (1991–2004) is an American children's animated adventure comedy television sitcom aimed at children, and from ages 8 to 11. This series is about toddlers, and their daily antics. ==Seasons== * [[Rugrats (season 1)|Season 1]] (1991) * [[Rugrats (season 2)|Season 2]] (1992-1993) * [[Rugrats (season 3)|Season 3]] (1993-1995) * [[Rugrats (season 4)|Season 4]] (1996-1997) * [[Rugrats (season 5)|Season 5]] (1998) * [[Rugrats (season 6)|Season 6]] (1999-2001) * [[Rugrats (season 7)|Season 7]] (2001) * [[Rugrats (season 8)|Season 8]] (2002-2004) * [[Rugrats (season 9)|Season 9]] (2002-2004) ==Films== * ''[[The Rugrats Movie]]'' (1998) * ''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' (2000) * ''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' (2003) ==Characters== ===Main=== *Thomas Malcolm ''Tommy'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1991-2006), for all seasons, Tami Holbrook (1989), in the unaired pilot. *Charles Crandall Norbert ''Chuckie'' Finster, Jr. - voiced by [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] (1991-2004), for Seasons 1-8, [[w:Nancy Cartwright|Nancy Cartwright]] (2002-2004), for Seasons 8-9. *Angelica Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Cheryl Chase (actress)|Cheryl Chase]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Phillip Richard ''Phil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lillian Marie ''Lil'' DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Susanna Yvonne ''Susie'' Carmichael - voiced by [[w:Cree Summer|Cree Summer]] (1993-2004), for Seasons 2-9, and redubbed ''The Last Babysitter'', and ''Angelica's Birthday'', both in Season 3, from 1994-1995, and understudied by [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]], from 1993-1994, for Season 3. *Kimiko ''Kimi'' Watanabe-Finster - voiced by [[w:Dionne Quan|Dionne Quan]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Dylan Prescott ''Dil'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]], credited as ''Charendoff'' in the film version ===Adults=== *Stu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Jack Riley (actor)|Jack Riley]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons, as an adult, [[w:Elizabeth Daily|Elizabeth Daily]] (1993), for Season 3, as a baby in ''Sour Pickles'', [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (2004), for Season 9, as a baby in ''Fountain of Youth''. *Didi Pickles - voiced by [[w:Melanie Chartoff|Melanie Chartoff]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Lou K. ''Pop'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:David Doyle (actor)|David Doyle]] (1989), for the unaired pilot, and (1991-1998), for Seasons 1-5, and [[w:Joe Alaskey|Joe Alaskey]] (1997-2004), for Seasons 4-9. *Andrew ''Drew'' Pickles - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] as an adult, [[w:Pamela Adlon|Pamela Adlon]] as a baby in ''Sour Pickles''. *Charlotte Pickles - voiced by [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] (1992-2006), for Seasons 2-9. *Betty DeVille - voiced by [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] *Howard DeVille - voiced by [[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] *Charles ''Chas'' N. Finster. - voiced by [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] (1991-2006), for all seasons. *Kira Watanabe - voiced by [[w:Julia Kato (actress)|Julia Kato]] (2001-2004), for Seasons 7-9. *Lulu Pickles - voiced by [[w:Debbie Reynolds|Debbie Reynolds]] (2000-2002), for Seasons 6-9. ===Pets=== *Spike the Dog - voiced by [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] *Fluffy the Cat - voiced by [[Robert Skidmore as Robby Squeakmint]] (uncredited) ===Additional Voices=== *[[w:Mona Marshall|Mona Marshall]] ==About ''{{PAGENAME}}''== *The origins of "Rugrats" began when Vanessa Coffee, a development executive at Nickelodeon, contacted our animation studio. I had taken fifteen months off work after my second child was born. I was working from home on concepts for "Sesame Street" shorts. Gabor Csupo, my husband at the time, asked me to come up with ideas to pitch to NICK. So, I quickly expanded notes I’d written from one of the "Sesame Street" ideas. My thoughts were, "if babies could talk what would they say" and "what was the logic that drove tiny humans to desperately want to stick their hands in the toilet?" It fascinated me, but mostly I found it humorous. Paul Germain, our development executive at the time, and Gabor Csupo then pitched several ideas to Nickelodeon. Vanessa Coffee had the foresight to choose what ultimately became "Rugrats" and Gerry Laybourne, the President of NICK at the time, had the vision to green-light it! Gabor and I sketched some of the original characters and worked with Paul on creating the world of "Rugrats". Together we produced a pilot that Peter Chung, a brilliant artist and animator, directed. The super talented Mark Mothersbaugh created the music for the show. The studio produced the "Rugrats" and "All Grown Up" series over the next decade as well as two "Rugrats" movies and a third film, where the "Rugrats" meet "The Wild Thornberrys". Our studio just exploded with work! The next ten years were intense for me because I was raising two children and working. Gabor and I continued to create or produce nine more animated series. ** [[w:Arlene Klasky|Arlene Klasky]] [http://www.comicbookmovie.com/animated_features/exclusive-rugrats-creator-arlene-klasky-discusses-new-digital-a65351 Exclusive Rugrats Creator Arlene Klasky]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.cooltoons2.com/rugrats/games/quotes/quotes.html Rugrats random quote generator at Klasky-Csupo] [[Category:Rugrats]] [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:1990s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:1990s American sitcoms]] [[Category:2000s American sitcoms]] [[Category:American animated sitcoms]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:American children's TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] tb9sczjf75r61d0a4tue0yq59g67ioi 0 3590 3944742 3943943 2026-05-24T06:13:51Z ~2026-30749-58 3328616 3944742 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{SpongeBob header}} '''''{{W|SpongeBob SquarePants}}''''', also known as simply '''''SpongeBob''''', is an American animated television series that airs on Nickelodeon. The show follows the adventures of the title character and his various friends in the underwater city, and being pursued by the evil Plankton. ==Seasons== : [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|Season 1]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 14|14]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 15|15]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 16|16]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 17|17]] ===Opening=== :''[opening sequence]'' :'''Painty''': Are you ready, kids? :'''Kids''': Aye-aye, captain! :'''Painty''': I can't hear you! :'''Kids''': Aye-aye, captain! :'''Painty''': Ohhhh... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? :'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! ''[the hand puts SpongeBob's pants on]'' :'''Painty''': Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! :'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! :'''Painty''': If nautical nonsense be somethin' you wish! :'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! :'''Painty''': Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish! :'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! :'''Painty''': Ready? :'''Painty, Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! :'''Painty''': SpongeBob SquarePants! ''[laughs]'' ===Films=== * ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' * ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]]'' * ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]]'' * ''[[Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie]]'' * ''[[Plankton: The Movie]]'' * ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Search for SquarePants|Search for SquarePants]]'' ===Spin-off shows=== * ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]'' * ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' ===Specials=== * ''[[Kreepaway Kamp]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob and Patrick's Timeline Twist-Up]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob's Big Birthday Blowout]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants Presents The Tidal Zone]]'' * ''[[Snow Yellow]]'' * ''[[Sandy's Country Christmas]]'' ==Repeated quotes== * '''SpongeBob''': "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" * '''Patrick''': "Oh, barnacles!" * '''SpongeBob and Patrick''': "Aw, tartar sauce!" * '''Patrick''': "Good morning, Krusty Crew!" * '''Mr. Krabs''': "Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!" * '''SpongeBob''': "Hoppin' clams!" * '''Squidward''': "Typical." * '''SpongeBob''': "Order up!" * '''Mr. Krabs''': "Mr. Squidward!" * '''Mermaid Man''': "EEEEVILLL!!!" * '''Patrick''': "Aw, fish paste!" * '''Fred''': "My leg!" * '''Sandy''': "Yee-haw!" * '''Plankton''': "I went to college!" * '''Pearl''': "That's totally coral." * '''Squidward''': “Whatever.” * '''Karen''': "Oh boy." * '''Patrick''': "I don't get it..." * '''Larry''': "Livin' like Larry!" * '''Barnacle Boy''': "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Unite!" * '''Patchy''': "Ahoy!" * '''Squidward''': "Yah-tah-tah-tah." * '''Larry''': "Hello, SpongeBob!" * '''Sandy''': "Yee-haw!" * '''Rube Goldfish''': "Amazing!" * '''Lady Upturn''': "I am offended!" * '''Realistic Fish Head''': "We interrupt this program..." * '''Potty the Parrot''': "Squawk." * '''Perch Perkins''': "Hello, Bikini Bottom!" * '''Squidward''': "Another day, another migraine." * '''SpongeBob''': "Yeah." * '''Mr. Krabs''': "Spongebob me boy!" * '''Perch Perkins''': "Perch Perkins here." * '''Pearl''': "Daddy!" * '''Mermaid Man''': "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Unite!" * '''Barnacle Boy''': "You old coot." * '''Perch Perkins''': "Perch Perkins reporting live." * '''Elwood''': "This is fun!" ==Video Games== *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Legend of the Lost Spatula]] (2001) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: SuperSponge]] (2001) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman]] (2002) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom]] (2003) *[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (video game)]] (2004) *[[Nicktoons Movin']] (2004) *[[Nicktoons Unite!]] (2005) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Lights, Camera, Pants!]] (2005) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Creature from the Krusty Krab]] (2006) *[[Nicktoons: Battle for Volcano Island]] (2006) *[[SpongeBob's Atlantis SquarePantis (video game)]] (2007) *[[Nicktoons: Attack of the Toybots]] (2007) *[[Nicktoons: Android Invasion]] (2008) *[[Nicktoons: Globs of Doom|SpongeBob SquarePants featuring Nicktoons: Globs of Doom]] (2008) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Fists of Foam]] (2008) *[[SpongeBob's Truth or Square (video game)]] (2009) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton's Robotic Revenge]] (2013) *[[SpongeBob HeroPants]] (2015) *[[Nickelodeon Kart Racers]] (2018) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Patty Pursuit]] (2020) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom|SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom - Rehydrated]] (2020) *[[Nickelodeon Kart Racers 2: Grand Prix]] (2020) *[[Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl]] (2021) *[[Nickelodeon Kart Racers 3: Slime Speedway]] (2022) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: The Cosmic Shake]] (2023) *[[Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl 2]] (2023) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: The Patrick Star Game]] (2024) *[[Nicktoons & The Dice of Destiny]] (2025) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Titans of the Tide]] (2025) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Patty Pursuit 2]] (2025) ==About== * The main thing missing from cartoons is today that old cartoons were cartoony. They did things you can't do in any other medium. Today's cartoons are very conservative and are more like live action. The characters look the same in every frame of the dang cartoon. The old cartoons squashed, stretched, and did crazy expressions. They were imaginative and crazy. A lot of cartoons aren't imaginative, they just say things. It might as well be radio. There is no point in having anything to look at in modern cartoons. But you can't say that about every cartoon. [Genndy Tartakovsky's cartoons are beautiful. The closest thing now to what I'm saying is ''SpongeBob'' but even that doesn't go very far. It's like a conservative version of ''Ren & Stimpy''. **[[John Kricfalusi]] interview (Oct 12, 2004) ==Voice Cast== ===Main Cast=== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Gary *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster *Jill Talley as Karen *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Lori Alan as Pearl ===Supporting Cast=== *Tom Kenny as Harold SquarePants, Slappy *Mr. Lawrence as Potty, Realistic Fish Head *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Brian Doyle-Murray as The Flying Dutchman *John O'Hurley as King Neptune *Sirena Irwin as Margaret SquarePants *Dee Bradley Baker as Perch Perkins, Bubble Bass *John Gegenhuber as Old Man Jenkins ===Other Cast=== *Dee Snider as Angry Jack *Betty White as Beatrice *Bob Barker as Bob Barnacle *Brad Abrell as Bubble Buddy *Dee Bradley Baker as Craig Mammalton, Sea Bear, Squilliam, Tinkle, Clem *Jeff Garlin as Cuddle E. Hugs *Tom Kenny as Dirty Bubble, Ouchie, Jeff Tentacles, Baby Prunes *Paul Tibbitt as DoodleBob, Kyle, Mama Krabs *Mr. Lawrence as Tom *Thomas F. Wilson as Flats the Flounder, Tattletale Strangler, Cecil *Gene Shalit as Gene Scallop *Ian McShane as Gordon *Amy Poehler as Granny *Johnny Depp as Jack Kahuna Laguna *Patton Oswalt as Jim *Biz Markie as Kenny the Cat *David Bowie as Lord Royal Highness *Bob Joles as Man Ray *Pat Morita as Master Udon *Mark Hamill as Moth *Alton Brown as Nicholas Wilthers *Victoria Beckham as Queen Amphitrite *Sebastian Bach as Prince Triton *Gilbert Gottfried as Sal *Gene Simmons as Sea Monster *Robin Sachs as Sergeant Sam Roderick *Henry Winkler as Sharkface *Michael McKean as Lonnie *Clancy Brown as Ronnie, Dennis, Pa Plankton *David Lander as Donnie *R. Lee Ermey as Warden *Scarlett Johansson as Princess Mindy *Neil Ross as Cyclops *Antonio Banderas as Burger-Beard *Matt Berry as Bubbles, King Poseidon *Reggie Watts as Chancellor *Keanu Reeves as Sage *Danny Trejo as El Diablo *Carlos Alazraqui as Nobby, Clem *Kate Higgins as Narlene, Ma Plankton *Brad Garrett as Kraken *Cree Summer as Bunny *Jill Talley as Squidina, Pinkeye *Dana Snyder as GrandPat *John DiMaggio as Blackjack *Christopher Guest as Stanley *Garnett Sailor as Captain Blue *Marion Ross as Grandma SquarePants *Rodger Bumpass as Mrs. Tentacles *Mary Jo Catlett as Grandma Tentacles *Sirena Irwin as Mama Krabs *Dennis Quaid as Captain Redbeard *Laraine Newman as Granny Plankton *Sirena Irwin as Mary ==See Also== * ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show]]'' * ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' ==External Links== {{SpongeBob SquarePants}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about fish]] 30pidzwfd2proh3v8zjy4pmw5u4010t 3944743 3944742 2026-05-24T06:14:05Z ~2026-30749-58 3328616 /* Supporting Cast */ 3944743 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{SpongeBob header}} '''''{{W|SpongeBob SquarePants}}''''', also known as simply '''''SpongeBob''''', is an American animated television series that airs on Nickelodeon. The show follows the adventures of the title character and his various friends in the underwater city, and being pursued by the evil Plankton. ==Seasons== : [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 1|Season 1]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 2|2]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 3|3]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4|4]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 5|5]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 6|6]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 7|7]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 8|8]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 9|9]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 10|10]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 11|11]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 12|12]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 13|13]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 14|14]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 15|15]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 16|16]], [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 17|17]] ===Opening=== :''[opening sequence]'' :'''Painty''': Are you ready, kids? :'''Kids''': Aye-aye, captain! :'''Painty''': I can't hear you! :'''Kids''': Aye-aye, captain! :'''Painty''': Ohhhh... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? :'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! ''[the hand puts SpongeBob's pants on]'' :'''Painty''': Absorbent and yellow and porous is he! :'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! :'''Painty''': If nautical nonsense be somethin' you wish! :'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! :'''Painty''': Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish! :'''Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! :'''Painty''': Ready? :'''Painty, Kids''': SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! :'''Painty''': SpongeBob SquarePants! ''[laughs]'' ===Films=== * ''[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie]]'' * ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|Sponge Out of Water]]'' * ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge on the Run|Sponge on the Run]]'' * ''[[Saving Bikini Bottom: The Sandy Cheeks Movie]]'' * ''[[Plankton: The Movie]]'' * ''[[The SpongeBob Movie: Search for SquarePants|Search for SquarePants]]'' ===Spin-off shows=== * ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]'' * ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' ===Specials=== * ''[[Kreepaway Kamp]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob and Patrick's Timeline Twist-Up]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob's Big Birthday Blowout]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants Presents The Tidal Zone]]'' * ''[[Snow Yellow]]'' * ''[[Sandy's Country Christmas]]'' ==Repeated quotes== * '''SpongeBob''': "I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" * '''Patrick''': "Oh, barnacles!" * '''SpongeBob and Patrick''': "Aw, tartar sauce!" * '''Patrick''': "Good morning, Krusty Crew!" * '''Mr. Krabs''': "Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!" * '''SpongeBob''': "Hoppin' clams!" * '''Squidward''': "Typical." * '''SpongeBob''': "Order up!" * '''Mr. Krabs''': "Mr. Squidward!" * '''Mermaid Man''': "EEEEVILLL!!!" * '''Patrick''': "Aw, fish paste!" * '''Fred''': "My leg!" * '''Sandy''': "Yee-haw!" * '''Plankton''': "I went to college!" * '''Pearl''': "That's totally coral." * '''Squidward''': “Whatever.” * '''Karen''': "Oh boy." * '''Patrick''': "I don't get it..." * '''Larry''': "Livin' like Larry!" * '''Barnacle Boy''': "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Unite!" * '''Patchy''': "Ahoy!" * '''Squidward''': "Yah-tah-tah-tah." * '''Larry''': "Hello, SpongeBob!" * '''Sandy''': "Yee-haw!" * '''Rube Goldfish''': "Amazing!" * '''Lady Upturn''': "I am offended!" * '''Realistic Fish Head''': "We interrupt this program..." * '''Potty the Parrot''': "Squawk." * '''Perch Perkins''': "Hello, Bikini Bottom!" * '''Squidward''': "Another day, another migraine." * '''SpongeBob''': "Yeah." * '''Mr. Krabs''': "Spongebob me boy!" * '''Perch Perkins''': "Perch Perkins here." * '''Pearl''': "Daddy!" * '''Mermaid Man''': "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Unite!" * '''Barnacle Boy''': "You old coot." * '''Perch Perkins''': "Perch Perkins reporting live." * '''Elwood''': "This is fun!" ==Video Games== *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Legend of the Lost Spatula]] (2001) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: SuperSponge]] (2001) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Revenge of the Flying Dutchman]] (2002) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom]] (2003) *[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (video game)]] (2004) *[[Nicktoons Movin']] (2004) *[[Nicktoons Unite!]] (2005) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Lights, Camera, Pants!]] (2005) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Creature from the Krusty Krab]] (2006) *[[Nicktoons: Battle for Volcano Island]] (2006) *[[SpongeBob's Atlantis SquarePantis (video game)]] (2007) *[[Nicktoons: Attack of the Toybots]] (2007) *[[Nicktoons: Android Invasion]] (2008) *[[Nicktoons: Globs of Doom|SpongeBob SquarePants featuring Nicktoons: Globs of Doom]] (2008) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Fists of Foam]] (2008) *[[SpongeBob's Truth or Square (video game)]] (2009) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Plankton's Robotic Revenge]] (2013) *[[SpongeBob HeroPants]] (2015) *[[Nickelodeon Kart Racers]] (2018) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Patty Pursuit]] (2020) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom|SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom - Rehydrated]] (2020) *[[Nickelodeon Kart Racers 2: Grand Prix]] (2020) *[[Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl]] (2021) *[[Nickelodeon Kart Racers 3: Slime Speedway]] (2022) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: The Cosmic Shake]] (2023) *[[Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl 2]] (2023) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: The Patrick Star Game]] (2024) *[[Nicktoons & The Dice of Destiny]] (2025) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Titans of the Tide]] (2025) *[[SpongeBob SquarePants: Patty Pursuit 2]] (2025) ==About== * The main thing missing from cartoons is today that old cartoons were cartoony. They did things you can't do in any other medium. Today's cartoons are very conservative and are more like live action. The characters look the same in every frame of the dang cartoon. The old cartoons squashed, stretched, and did crazy expressions. They were imaginative and crazy. A lot of cartoons aren't imaginative, they just say things. It might as well be radio. There is no point in having anything to look at in modern cartoons. But you can't say that about every cartoon. [Genndy Tartakovsky's cartoons are beautiful. The closest thing now to what I'm saying is ''SpongeBob'' but even that doesn't go very far. It's like a conservative version of ''Ren & Stimpy''. **[[John Kricfalusi]] interview (Oct 12, 2004) ==Voice Cast== ===Main Cast=== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Gary *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs *Mr. Lawrence as Plankton, Larry the Lobster *Jill Talley as Karen *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff *Lori Alan as Pearl ===Supporting Cast=== *Tom Kenny as Harold SquarePants, Slappy *Mr. Lawrence as Potty, Realistic Fish Head, Fred *Ernest Borgnine as Mermaid Man *Tim Conway as Barnacle Boy *Brian Doyle-Murray as The Flying Dutchman *John O'Hurley as King Neptune *Sirena Irwin as Margaret SquarePants *Dee Bradley Baker as Perch Perkins, Bubble Bass *John Gegenhuber as Old Man Jenkins ===Other Cast=== *Dee Snider as Angry Jack *Betty White as Beatrice *Bob Barker as Bob Barnacle *Brad Abrell as Bubble Buddy *Dee Bradley Baker as Craig Mammalton, Sea Bear, Squilliam, Tinkle, Clem *Jeff Garlin as Cuddle E. Hugs *Tom Kenny as Dirty Bubble, Ouchie, Jeff Tentacles, Baby Prunes *Paul Tibbitt as DoodleBob, Kyle, Mama Krabs *Mr. Lawrence as Tom *Thomas F. Wilson as Flats the Flounder, Tattletale Strangler, Cecil *Gene Shalit as Gene Scallop *Ian McShane as Gordon *Amy Poehler as Granny *Johnny Depp as Jack Kahuna Laguna *Patton Oswalt as Jim *Biz Markie as Kenny the Cat *David Bowie as Lord Royal Highness *Bob Joles as Man Ray *Pat Morita as Master Udon *Mark Hamill as Moth *Alton Brown as Nicholas Wilthers *Victoria Beckham as Queen Amphitrite *Sebastian Bach as Prince Triton *Gilbert Gottfried as Sal *Gene Simmons as Sea Monster *Robin Sachs as Sergeant Sam Roderick *Henry Winkler as Sharkface *Michael McKean as Lonnie *Clancy Brown as Ronnie, Dennis, Pa Plankton *David Lander as Donnie *R. Lee Ermey as Warden *Scarlett Johansson as Princess Mindy *Neil Ross as Cyclops *Antonio Banderas as Burger-Beard *Matt Berry as Bubbles, King Poseidon *Reggie Watts as Chancellor *Keanu Reeves as Sage *Danny Trejo as El Diablo *Carlos Alazraqui as Nobby, Clem *Kate Higgins as Narlene, Ma Plankton *Brad Garrett as Kraken *Cree Summer as Bunny *Jill Talley as Squidina, Pinkeye *Dana Snyder as GrandPat *John DiMaggio as Blackjack *Christopher Guest as Stanley *Garnett Sailor as Captain Blue *Marion Ross as Grandma SquarePants *Rodger Bumpass as Mrs. Tentacles *Mary Jo Catlett as Grandma Tentacles *Sirena Irwin as Mama Krabs *Dennis Quaid as Captain Redbeard *Laraine Newman as Granny Plankton *Sirena Irwin as Mary ==See Also== * ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show]]'' * ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' ==External Links== {{SpongeBob SquarePants}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about fish]] s44jjqihkzgts4py2gd6l9y3ozxnbyb 0 4076 3944645 3943605 2026-05-23T23:16:30Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944645 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Aladdin-logo-2.svg|thumb|Title card]] '''''[[w:Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992]] American [[w:Disney|Disney]] animated film which relates a version of the story of Aladdin and the magic lamp from The Book of [[One Thousand and One Nights]]. The film spawned a series of sequels and spin-offs, including '''''[[The Return of Jafar]]''''', '''''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]''''', and so on, as well as a television series called, '''''[[w:Aladdin: The Series|Aladdin: The Series]]''''', and a [[Aladdin (2019 film)|live-action remake of the film]]. :''Directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]]. Written by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]], [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], based on "[[Aladdin|Aladdin and the Magic Lamp]]" from ''[[One Thousand and One Nights]]'', and based on Arabian mythology.'' :''Music by [[Alan Menken]]'' and includes "[[w:A Whole New World|A Whole New World]]". Written by [[Tim Rice]] and performed by [[w:Peabo Bryson|Peabo Bryson]] and [[w:Regina Belle|Regina Belle]]. {{center|'''(Imagine if you had three wishes, three hopes, three dreams, and they all would come true.)''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Aladdin == * ''[chased by Razoul and his guards]'' All this for a loaf of [[bread]]? * I'm not worthiness. And I don't have fleas. ''[sighs]'' Come on, Abu. Let's go home. * ''[looks out at the window to see the Sultan's palace]'' Someday, Abu, things are gonna change. We'll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all. * ''[followed by Jasmine when she's going home with Aladdin and Abu]'' Almost there. * ''[picks up the lamp from the light]'' This is it? This is what we came all the way down here to... ''[Abu runs and grabs the forbidden treasure]'' ABU, NOOOOO!!!!! * Abu, this is no time to panic! ''[gasps and sees a cliff]'' Start panicking! * ''[to Genie, regretfully]'' Genie, I can't keep this up on my own. I...I can't wish you free. * ''[facing Jafar]'' Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?! == Princess Jasmine == * ''[to Abu, when feigning insanity]'' Oh, wise Sultan! How may I serve you? * ''[to Aladdin]'' I'm a fast learner. * ''[to Aladdin as Prince Ali]'' Just go, I mean, jump off the balcony! * I am not a prize to be won! * It's all my fault, Rajah. I didn't even know his name. == Iago == * ''[on Jafar who's laughing his head off hysterically]'' Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's goin' nuts! Jafar! ''[pounds on Jafar's turban]'' Jafar! '''GET A GRIP!!!''' ''[Jafar grabs him toughly around the throat which causes his head's blood circulation]'' Good grip. * ''[going as a flamingo, turns around and finds a real flamingo smiling in his face]'' Ya got a problem... ''[hits the flamingo with his right stilt, and the flamingo falls into the water]'' Pinky?! Jerk. ''[laughs maniacally, removes his flamingo disguise, sneaks into the palace, and gets the lamp]'' Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you! ''[mimics Jafar]'' Excellent work, Iago! ''[in his normal voice]'' Aw, go on! ''[as Jafar]'' No, really. I mean, dead seriously. On a scale of 1 to 10, you are an 11. ''[in his normal voice]'' Oh, Jafar, you're too kind. ''[flies away with the lamp]'' I'm embarrassed. I'm blushing. * ''[to the Sultan while shoves many crackers into his mouth as his serious payback]'' Puppet ruler want a cracker?! == The Genie == * ''[after coming out of his lamp]'' Oy! ''[feels a pain in his neck]'' 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck! * ''[stomps his foot in front of them, angry and losing patience]'' Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me?! I don't think so! ''NOT'' right now! YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR WISHES, SO '''''<big>SIT DOWN!!</big>''''' * ''[after transforming Aladdin into a prince]'' He's got the outfit. He's got the elephant. But we're not through yet! Hang on to your turban, kid! We're gonna make you a star! * ''[as a cheerleader begrudgingly waving a small white flag]'' Jafar, Jafar, he's our man, if he can't do it, ''[screaming bloody murder]'' <big>'''GREAT!!!!'''</big> * Allow me, ten thousand years in the Cave of Wonders ought to chill him out! ''[flicks the lamp to the desert]'' * ''[to the audience when he pushes up a "The End" scene to a blank white one]'' Made you look. * ''[post credits scene; last lines]'' You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world! Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos! == Jafar == * ''[eyes the giant tiger head rising from the sand]'' At last, after all my years of searching, the Cave of Wonders. * ''[after the cave closes; he chuckles and rips off the old man mask searching the disguise for the lamp]'' It's mine. It's all mine. I-- Where is it? No! '''''<big>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!</big>''''' * ''[after Aladdin has returned with Abu and Carpet]'' That was... '''''<big>YOU!!</big>''''' How many times do I have to kill you, boy?! * I think that it's time to say goodbye to Prince A-Boo-Boo. == The Sultan == * Oh, Prince Achmed. You're, you're not leaving so soon, are you? * Oh, Jasmine. Jasmine. Jasmine. Confound it, Rajah. So this is why Prince Achmed stormed out. == Razoul == * ''[first words]'' I'll have your hands for a trophy, street rat. * You idiots! We all got swords! * ''[last words]'' I would, Princess. Except my orders come from Jafar. You'll have to take it up with him. == Cave of Wonders == * ''[repeated line]'' Who disturbs my slumber? * Know this. Only one may enter here, one whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough. * Seek thee out...the diamond...the diamond in the rough. ''[echoes]'' * Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp. * '''</big>INFIDELS! YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE FORBIDDEN TREASURE! NOW YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN SEE THE LIGHT OF DAAAAAY!!!!!!</big>''' == The Peddler == * ''[singing]'' Oh I come from a land from a faraway place / Where the caravan camels roam / Where it's flat and immense and the heat is intense (soundtrack version: Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face) / It's barbaric, but hey...it's home! / When the wind's from the east / And the sun's from the west / And the sand in the glass is right / Come on down, stop on by / Hop a carpet and fly / To another Arabian night! / Arabian nights / Like Arabian days / More often than not / Are hotter than hot / In a lot of good ways / Arabian nights / 'Neath Arabian moons / A fool off his guard / Could fall-and-fall hard / Out there on the dunes. ''[first lines]'' Ah, salaam and good evening to you worthy friend. Please, please, come closer... ''[camera pushes in on his face squishing it]'' Ah uh, too close, a little too close. ''[Camera pulls out]'' There. Welcome to Agrabah. City of mystery, of enchantment, ''[pulls a bag off of the camel and unrolls it to reveal a merchant's stand]'' and the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan, on sale today, come on down! ''[chuckles]'' Look at this! Yes! Combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes Julienne fries. Will not break, will not... ''[breaks apart]'' it broke. ''[toss it away]'' Ooh! Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before. This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen. ''[lifts cover slightly and blows a raspberry]'' Ah, still good. ''[the camera pans to the right]'' Wait, don't go! I can see that you're only interested in the exceptionally rare. I think then, you would be most rewarded to consider...this. ''[pulls out an oil lamp]'' Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life. A young man who liked this lamp was more than what he seemed: a diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? ''[pours sand from the lamp into his hand, and throws it into the air which form into stars which transition into the next scene]'' It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits, with a dark purpose. == Others == * '''Gazeem''': ''[last words]'' Uh, it is I, Gazeem, a humble thief. * '''Portly Agrabah Woman''': I'd blame parents, except he hasn't got 'em. * '''Guard''': He's got a sword! == Dialogue == :''[First lines; The movie begins with the song Arabian Nights, sung over scenes of the desert and the city of Agrabah, in all its exotic splendor]'' :'''Peddler''': ''[singing]'' Oh I come from a land, from a faraway place / Where the caravan camels roam / Where it's flat and immense / And the heat is intense (soundtrack version: Where they cut off your ear / If they don't like your face) / It's barbaric, but hey, it's home...| When the wind's from the east / And the sun's from the west / And the sand in the glass is right / Come on down / Stop on by / Hop a carpet and fly / To another Arabian night...| Arabian nights / Like Arabian days / More often than not / Are hotter than hot / In a lot of good ways...| Arabian nights / 'Neath Arabian moons / A fool of his guard / Could fall and fall hard / Out there on the dunes...| ''[speaking]'' Ah, salaam and good evening to you, my worthy friend. Please, please come closer. ''[the camera zooms in]'' Ah uh, too close, a little to close... ''[the camera pulls back]'' There. Welcome to Agrabah, city of mystery, of enchantment, ''[pulls a bag off of the camel and unrolls it to reveal a merchant's stand]'' and the finest merchandise this side of the River Jordan, on sale today! Come on down. ''[chuckles]'' Look at this, yes, he he, combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes julienne fries! It will not break! It will not... ''[breaks apart]'' It broke. ''[toss it away]'' Oh, look at this, I have never seen one of these intact before...This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen, ''[lifts cover slightly and blows a raspberry]'' ah, still good. Ha ha. ''[the camera pans to the right]'' Wait, don't go! I can see that you are only interested in the exceptionally rare. I think, then, you will be most rewarded to consider this. ''[pulls out an oil lamp]'' Do not be fooled by its common-place appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life. A young man, who like this lamp, was more than what he seemed...A diamond in the rough. Perhaps you will like to hear the tale? ''[pours sand from the lamp into his hand, and throws it into the air which form into stars which transition into the next scene]'' It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits, with a dark purpose. :''[Camera tilts down to find Jafar sitting on his horse and Iago on his shoulder as Gazeem comes riding up to the pair]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[first words]'' You... are late. :'''Gazeem''': ''[first words]'' A thousand apologies O Patient One. :'''Jafar''': You have it, then? :'''Gazeem''': I had to slit a few throats, but I got it. ''[pulls the scarab piece back]'' Ah-ah! The treasure! ''[Iago flies over and swipes the piece]'' Ouch! :''[Iago rips the scarab from Gazeem's fingers and drops it into Jafar's hand]'' :'''Jafar''': Trust me my pungent friend. You'll get what's coming to you. :'''Iago''': What's coming to you! Awk! :''[Jafar pulls out the second half of the medallion. Gazeem shocked before Jafar reaches and the scarab halves begins to glow. Finally, the scarab glows, then flies out of Jafar's hand, scaring the horses, and is off towards the dunes]'' :'''Jafar''': Quickly, follow the trail! ''[On horseback, the trio chase the medallion across the moonlit desert]'' <big>'''FASTER!'''</big> :''[The creature splits in two, each half lodging into a sand dune. A towering tiger head rises from the dune. The pieces of the scarab from its glowing eyes, the three villains' horses rear on their hind legs, throwing their riders off. Jafar grins as the tiger head with cow-like ears opens it cavernous mouth.]'' :'''Jafar''': At last! After all my years of searching...The Cave of Wonders! :'''Iago''': Awk! Cave of Wonders! :'''Gazeem''': By Allah! :'''Jafar''': ''[pushes Gazeem forward]'' Now...Remember! Bring me the lamp. The rest of the treasure is yours. But the lamp, is mine! :''[Gazeem steps forward into the tiger's mouth, which forms the entrance to the cave. He chuckles as he goes]'' :'''Iago''': Awk! The lamp! Awk! The lamp! ''[Now that Iago and Jafar are alone, Iago opens up in normal [[English language|English]]]'' Geez, where did ya dig this bozo up? :'''Jafar''': ''[points at the tiger head]'' Shh. :''[Gazeem sneaks into the tiger head and the cave echoes, looks at sand before now the staircase, Gazeem reaches the tiger's mouth, then the blows out and a deep voice speaks]'' :'''Cave of Wonders''': '''WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?!''' :'''Gazeem''': ''[last words]'' Er...it is I, Gazeem, a humble thief. :'''Cave of Wonders''': '''KNOW THIS. ONLY ONE MAY ENTER HERE. ONE WHOSE WORTH LIES FAR WITHIN. A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH!''' :''[Gazeem looks back at Jafar and sneaks the tiger head opening apprehensively]'' :'''Jafar''': What are you waiting for? Go on! :''[Gazeem across the tiger's mouth, then the beast sighing, Gazeem reaches the slowly walk and sighs, he turns back but the tiger's mouth slams down]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[shielding himself from the flash]'' <big>'''Nooooooooo!!!!'''</big> :'''Cave of Wonders''': ''[From off-screen]'' '''SEEK THEE OUT,''' the diamond, the diamond in the rough. ''[echoes]'' :'''Iago''': ''[pops out sand and coughs]'' I can't believe it! I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get a hold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at this. Look at this. I'm so ticked off that I'm molting. ''[He flies up to Jafar's shoulder]'' :'''Jafar''': Patience, Iago, patience. Gazeem was obviously less than worthy. :'''Iago''': ''[extremely sarcastic]'' Oh, there's a big surprise. That's it, an incredib-- I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise. What are we gonna do? We got a big problem, a big-- :'''Jafar''': ''[holds his beak shut]'' Yes. Only one may enter, I must find this one, this...diamond in the rough. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next day, on a rooftop, where Aladdin rushes up to the edge, carrying a loaf of bread. He skids to a stop at the edge of the building]'' :'''Guard''': Stop, thief! :''[Aladdin looks back at Razoul, a young man head, muscular handsome guard, tan turban, red and white yellow uniform shirt, tan pants and dark yellow shoes, he's the guards scramble toward him]'' :'''Razoul''': ''[first words]'' I'll have your hands for a trophy, street rat. :'''Aladdin''': ''[looks back, then down, then at the bread]'' All this for a loaf of bread? :''[Aladdin leaps off the roof, landing on two ropes strung between buildings, with drying clothes on them. He skies down them, collecting bits and pieces of clothing on him as he goes. Finally, he's nearing the end of the rope, at a window, when a woman reaches out and the shutters closed shut. Aladdin slams into the shutters and falls to the street, his fall being broken by numerous awnings and the pile of clothes around him. He pulls off the top layer of clothes and is about to enjoy his bread when]'' :'''Guard #1''': There he is! :'''Guard #2''': You won't get away so easy! :'''Aladdin''': You think that was easy? ''[looks at ladies laughing and looks at Razoul and his guards]'' :'''Razoul''': You two, over that way. And you, with me. We found him. :'''Aladdin''': Morning, ladies. :'''Woman''': Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we Aladdin? :'''Aladdin''': Trouble? No way. You're only in trouble if you get caught... :'''Razoul''': ''[grabs Aladdin]'' Gotcha! :'''Aladdin''': I'm in trouble! :'''Razoul''': ...and this time. ''[Abu pulls down his turban]'' :'''Aladdin''': Perfect timing, Abu. As usual. :'''Abu''': Hello! :'''Aladdin''': Come on, let's get outta here! ''[singing]'' Gotta keep one jump ahead of the breadline / One swing ahead of the sword / I steal only what I can't afford...| ''[speaking]'' That's everything! ''[singing]'' One jump ahead of the lawmen / That's all, and that's no joke / These guys don't appreciate I'm broke. :'''Guard #1''': Riffraff! :'''Guard #2 and #3''': Street rat! :'''Guard #4''': Scoundrel! :'''Guard #5''': Take that! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Just a little snack, guys. :'''Guards''': Rip him open, take it back, guys. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' I can take a hint, gotta face the facts / You're my only friend, Abu. :'''Girls''': Who?| ''[singing]'' Oh, it's sad, Aladdin's hit the bottom / He's become a one-man rise in crime. :'''Portly Agrabah Woman''': I'd blame parents, except he hasn't got 'em. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat / Tell you all about it when I got the time / One jump ahead of the slowpokes / One skip ahead of my doom / Next time, gonna use a nom de plume. :'''Razoul''': There he is. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' One jump ahead of the hitmen / One hit ahead of the flock / I think I'll take a stroll around the block. :''[A man sleeping on a bed of nails, of course one extremely large guard jumps on him]'' :'''Guard''': Stop, thief! :'''Man''': Vandal! :'''Aladdin''': Abu! :'''Woman''': Scandal! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Let's not be too hasty. :'''Fat Lady''': Still, I think he's rather tasty. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat / Otherwise, we'd get along. :'''Guards''': Wrong! :'''Razoul''': Get him! :''[The guards chase Aladdin and Abu run across a flaming pit, followed by guards who hop up and down, screaming in pain as they cross the rocks. Aladdin and Abu pass a sword swallower, then Abu goes back, pulls the sword out of the swallower's mouth]'' :'''Guard''': He's got a sword! :'''Razoul''': We've all got swords! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' One jump ahead of the hoofbeats. :'''Guards''': Vandal! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' One hop ahead of the hump. :'''Guards''': Street rat! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' One trick ahead of disaster. :'''Guards''': Scoundrel! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' They're quick, but I'm much faster. :'''Guards''': Riffraff! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Here goes, better throw my hand in / Wish me happy landin' / All I gotta do is jump! :''[The guards fall down and land in a street]'' :'''Guards''': Yuck! Oy! :''[Aladdin uses the carpet as a parachute and landing, Aladdin and Abu high-five each other]'' :'''Aladdin''': And now, esteemed effendi, we feast! All right! :''[Aladdin breaks the bread in two and gives half to Abu, who begins to eat. But Aladdin looks over and sees two young children rummaging through the garbage for food. The girl sees him, then drops her find and tries to hide. Aladdin looks at them, then the bread, then at Abu]'' :'''Abu''': Uh-oh! :''[Abu takes a big bite of his food, but Aladdin gets up and walks over to the children. The girl pulls her brother back]'' :'''Aladdin''': Here, go on...take it. :''[The children giggle with delight. Abu tries to swallow his bite, then looks guilty. He walks over to the children and offers his bread to them. In delight, they pet him on the head]'' :'''Abu''': Ah, don't. Huh? :''[Abu sees Aladdin walking into the daylight, where there is a parade going on. Aladdin peers over the shoulders of the villagers before see Prince Achmed rides on a horse]'' :'''Villager #1''': On his way to the palace, I suppose. :'''Villager #2''': Another suitor for the princess. :''[Aladdin is startled as the two children come running out from the alley. The boy runs out in front of Achmed's horse neighs]'' :'''Prince Achmed''': ''[first words]'' Out of my way, you filthy brat! ''[ropes whip]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, if I were as rich as you, I could afford some manners. :'''Prince Achmed''': ''[Aladdin throws a rope him]'' Oh, I teach you some manners! :''[He slaps Aladdin falls down on his mud and the citizens laugh]'' :'''Aladdin''': Look at that, Abu. It's not every day you see a horse with two rear ends! :''[Achmed stops and turns back to Aladdin]'' :'''Prince Achmed''': You are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you. :''[Aladdin angrily rushes Achmed, but slam the doors to the palace shut on his face]'' :'''Aladdin''': I'm not worthless. And I don't have fleas. Come on, Abu. Let's go home. ''[singing]'' Riffraff, street rat / I don't buy that / If only they'd look closer / Would they see a poor boy? / No siree / They'd find out, there's so much more to me. ''[speaking]'' Someday, Abu. Things are gonna change. We'll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all. :''[The next morning, inside the Sultan's chamber, the door slam breaks the moment and Prince Achmed storms in, missing the part of his pants and underwear]'' :'''Prince Achmed''': I've never been so insulted! :'''Sultan''': ''[to Achmed]'' Oh, Achmed! You're not leaving so soon, are you? :'''Prince Achmed''': ''[last words]'' Good luck marrying her off! :'''Sultan''': ''[exasperated]'' Oh, Jasmine! Jasmine! Jasmine! :''[The Sultan angrily goes off into the garden looking for his daughter. He finds her, but is interrupted by Rajah, Jasmine's pet tiger growling, fur bristling protectively. Rajah has a piece of Achmed's undershorts in his mouth. The Sultan grabs the cloth and yanks it out of Rajah's mouth]'' :'''Sultan''': Confound it, Rajah! ''[angrily brandishes the piece of Achmed's clothing]'' So, this is why Prince Achmed stormed out! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, father. Rajah was just playing with him, weren't you Rajah? You were just playing with that overdressed, self-absorbed Prince Achmed, weren't you? ''[Sultan angry]'' Ahem... :'''Sultan''': You have got to stop rejecting every suitor who comes to call, dearest. The law says that you... :'''Princess Jasmine and Sultan''': ...must be married to a prince... :'''Sultan''': ...by your next birthday. :'''Princess Jasmine''': The law is wrong. :'''Sultan''': You've got only three more days! :'''Princess Jasmine''': I hate being forced into this, Father. I want it to be for love, if I do marry. :'''Sultan''': Not only is it this law, Jasmine. I'm not going to be around forever, and I just want to make sure you're provided for, taken care of. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Try to understand, please. I've never done a thing on my own. ''[Jasmine swirls her finger in a water of the pond, pets the fish]'' I've never had any real friends. ''[Rajah looks up at Jasmine and growls]'' Except you, Rajah. ''[Satisfied, Rajah goes back to sleep and Jasmine stands sill]'' I've never even been outside of the palace walls. :'''Sultan''': But, you're a princess, Jasmine. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[sighs in frustration]'' Then maybe I don't want to be a princess anymore. ''[She splashes the water]'' :'''Sultan''': Oooh! Allah forbid you should have any daughters! ''[Rajah looks up at Jasmine for a second. Jasmine goes to the dove cage and yanks open the door. The birds fly away into freedom. She looks up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the Sultan's chambers]'' :'''Sultan''': I don't know where she gets it from. Her mother wasn't nearly so picky. :''[A shadow falls over him. The Sultan looks up startled and sees Jafar]'' :'''Sultan''': Ooh, oh. Ah, Jafar, my most trusted advisor. I am in desperate need of your wisdom. :'''Jafar''': My life is but to serve you, my lord. ''[bows]'' :'''Sultan''': It's this suitor business, Jasmine refuses to choose a husband, I'm at my wit's-end. :'''Iago''': Awk, wit's-end. :'''Sultan''': Oh, ha ha. Have a cracker, pretty Polly! :''[The Sultan pulls a cracker out from his pocket. Iago looks terrified. Then the Sultan stuffs it in Iago's mouth. Iago grimaces as he tries to eat it. Jafar and the Sultan both laugh]'' :'''Jafar''': Your Majesty, certainly has a way with dumb animals. Now then, perhaps I can divine a solution to this thorny problem. :'''Sultan''': If anyone can help, it's you. :'''Jafar''': Ah, but it will require the use of the mystic blue diamond. :'''Sultan''': Uh, my ring? But it's been in the family for years. :'''Jafar''': It is necessary to find the princess a suitor. :''[Jafar says the word 'princess' with the accent on the second syllable, 'cess.' He turns his staff with a cobra head towards the Sultan. The eyes of the staff begin to glow. The room darkens, Jafar's voice slows down and deepens. The Sultan's eyes get a hypnotized look]'' :'''Jafar''': Don't worry. Everything will be fine. :'''Sultan''': Everything will be fine. :'''Jafar''': The diamond. :'''Sultan''': Here, Jafar, whatever you need will be fine. :''[The Sultan removes his ring and hands it to Jafar. The room returns to normal as Jafar pulls back the staff]'' :'''Jafar''': You are most gracious, my liege. Now run along and play with your little toys. :'''Sultan''': Yes, that'll be pretty good. :''[Jafar and Iago exit. We follow them. When they're out of the room, the parrot spits out the cracker]'' :'''Iago''': I can't take it anymore! If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers. Bam! Whack! :''[Jafar pulls a rope, which reveals a hidden entrance to his chambers]'' :'''Jafar''': Calm yourself, Iago. :'''Iago''': Then I'd grab him around the head. Whack! Whack! :'''Jafar''': Soon, I will be sultan, not that addle-pated twit. :'''Iago''': And then I stuff the crackers down his throat! ''[laughs]'' :''[The pair pass through a door and slam it shut]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the midnight, in a gardens, a shadowy figure walks through. We see it is Jasmine in disguise. She reaches the palace wall, then begins to climb it. She is tugged from behind by Rajah]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, I'm sorry, Rajah. But I can't stay here and have my life lived for me. I'll miss you. Goodbye! :''[She disappears over the wall. The next morning, in the street Aladdin and Abu are up to their capers again. They are on top of the awning of a fruit stand]'' :'''Aladdin''': Okay, Abu, go! :''[Abu dips over the edge and looks at the merchant]'' :'''Fruit Merchant''': ''[to passing crowd]'' Try this, your taste buds will dance and sing. ''[Abu grabs a melon and hangs there, distracting his attention]'' Hey, get your paws off that. :'''Abu''': Blah blah blah! :'''Fruit Merchant''': Why, you! Get away from here, you filthy ape! :''[The merchant grabs the melon away from Abu. But in the foreground, Aladdin dips down and snatches another melon from the stand]'' :'''Abu''': Bye-bye! :''[He zings back up. The merchant takes the melon to the front, where he places it on top of a stack. He looks confused, like he has just done this]'' :'''Aladdin''': Nice going, Abu, breakfast is served. :''[Aladdin and Abu on the roof break open the melon and eat. We see Jasmine walking through the street]'' :'''Pot Merchant''': Pretty lady buy a pot, no finer pot in brass or silver. :'''Nut Merchant''': Sugar dates, sugar dates and figs! Sugar dates and pistachios! :'''Necklace Merchant''': Would the lady like a necklace, a pretty necklace for a pretty lady. :''[She is charmed by the action, but is startled by a fish thrust into her face]'' :'''Fish Merchant''': Fresh fish! We catch him you buy him! :'''Princess Jasmine''': I don't think so. :''[Jasmine backs away, but bumps into a fire eater, who is startled into swallowing his fire]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Excuse me. :''[Man gulps, then belches fire from his mouth. Jasmine is disgusted. He is pleased and taps his stomach. Aladdin sees her, and a strange look comes over his face]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': I'm really very sorry. :'''Aladdin''': ''[he's obviously deeply in love with her]'' Whoa! :''[Jasmine pulls the hood of her cloak over her head. Abu sees him and jumps up on his shoulder, waving his hand in front of Aladdin's face]'' :'''Abu''': Uh-oh, hello? Hello? :''[Princess Jasmine stops at Farouk's fruit stand and sees a young boy reaching for fruit; she picks up an apple and hands it to him]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': You must be hungry. Here you go. ''[the boy runs off]'' :'''Farouk''': ''[first words]'' You'd better be able to pay for that. :''[She turns around and a huge angry Farouk is right in her face]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Pay? :'''Farouk''': No one steals from my cart. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I'm sorry, sir. I don't have any money. :'''Farouk''': Thief! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Please. If you let me go to the palace, I can get some from the sultan. :'''Farouk''': Do you know what the penalty is for stealing?! :''[He grabs her hand and pins it down on the table, then raises his sword]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': No! No, please! :''[Aladdin stops Farouk]'' :'''Aladdin''': Thank you, kind sir. I'm so glad you found her. ''[to Princess Jasmine]'' I've been looking for you. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[quietly]'' What are you doing? :'''Aladdin''': ''[whispers back]'' Just play along. :'''Farouk''': You know this girl? :'''Aladdin''': Sadly, yes. She is my sister. She's a little crazy. ''[Aladdin twirls his finger around his ear; Jasmine scoffs in disbelief]'' :'''Farouk''': She said she knew the sultan. :'''Aladdin''': She thinks the monkey is the sultan. :''[Princess Jasmine, playing along, kneels and bows to Abu]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, wise Sultan, how may I serve you? :'''Abu''': Well,... ''[babbles royally]'' :'''Aladdin''': Tragic, isn't it? ''[leans forward, picking up another apple from the cart and hands it to Farouk as repayment]'' But no harm done. ''[walks over to Princess Jasmine]'' Now, come along, sis. Time to go see the doctor. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[to a camel standing nearby]'' Oh, hello, doctor. How are you? :'''Aladdin''': No, no, no, not that one. ''[to Abu, whose pockets are bulging]'' Come on, Sultan. :''[Abu bows to the crowd until nearly everything he picked up falls out]'' :'''Farouk''': ''[last words]'' Huh? What is it? ''[Abu picks up what he can carry, and the trio run off]'' Come back here, you little thieves! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Jafar's lair, Iago is running on a gear in a bizarre contraption. At the top of the contraption is a red storm brewing]'' :'''Iago''': ''[huffing and puffing]'' With all due respect, your rottenness, couldn't we just wait for a real storm? :'''Jafar''': Save your breath, Iago. Faster! :''[Jafar places the Sultan's diamond is set in a frame above a large hourglass]'' :'''Iago''': Yes, O Mighty Evil One. :''[Iago runs faster. A lightning bolt streaks through the ring, passing into an hourglass below. The sands begin to swirl]'' :'''Jafar''': Ah, sands of time - Reveal to me the one who could enter the cave. ''[The sand in top forms the Cave of Wonders, it falls through into a storm, but it shows Aladdin climbing up a ladder, followed by Jasmine who is covered in her cloak]'' Yes, yes! There he is. My diamond in the rough! :'''Iago''': That's him, that's the clown we've been waiting for? :''[Iago loses his footing and is sucked into the gears]'' :'''Jafar''': Let's have the guards extend him an invitation to the palace. Shall we? :''[Iago goes flying past and slams into the wall upside down]'' :'''Iago''': Swell. :''[Jafar laughs hideously, and the camera zooms in on Aladdin in the hourglass. Finally, in the palace with Aladdin climbs up of the ladder, followed by Jasmine]'' :'''Aladdin''': Almost there. :''[Jasmine climbs over a wall, but trips and falls into Aladdin's arms and stands up]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': I want to thank you for stopping that man. :'''Aladdin''': Ah, forget it. ''[he grabs a pole]'' So, uh, this is your first time in the marketplace? ''[gasps]'' :''[Aladdin pole vaults to the next building, leaves Jasmine behind]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Is it that obvious? :'''Aladdin''': Well, you do kind of stand out. ''[Aladdin stares at Jasmine. Jasmine returns the look. But Aladdin realises what he's doing, and returns to normal]'' I mean, eh, you don't seem to know how dangerous Agrabah can be. :''[Aladdin lays a plank between the buildings for her to walk over, but as Aladdin is leaned down, she vaults over his head. Aladdin looks back in surprise. Jasmine tosses the pole to him. Both Aladdin's and Abu's eyes bulge]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': I'm a fast learner. :'''Aladdin''': Hey. Come on, this way. :''[They go inside the roof of a building, dodges planks and beams as they go]'' :'''Aladdin''': Whoa. Watch your head there. Be careful. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Is this where you live? :'''Aladdin''': Yep. Just me and Abu. Come and get as we please. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Fabulous. :'''Aladdin''': Well, it's not much, ''[pulls back the curtain and exposes the palace]'' but it's got a great view. Palace looks pretty amazing, huh? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, that's wonderful. :'''Aladdin''': I wonder what it would be like to live there, to have servants and valets... :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, sure. People who tell you where to go and how to dress. :'''Aladdin''': That's better than here. Always scraping for food and ducking the guards. :'''Princess Jasmine''': You're not free to make your own choices. :'''Aladdin''': Sometimes you feel so... :'''Princess Jasmine''': You're just... :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ...trapped. :''[They look at each other, realizing that they're perfect for one another. But Aladdin then realizes where he is, and breaks the look. Aladdin takes the apple out of Abu's hand and rolls it down his arm into the hand of Jasmine]'' :'''Aladdin''': So, where are you from? :'''Princess Jasmine''': What does it matter? I ran away, and I'm not going back. :'''Aladdin''': Really? :''[Aladdin takes a bite from the apple on his hand with Abu looks on his face]'' :'''Abu''': Why you! :''[Aladdin walks over and sits next to Jasmine]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': My father's forcing me to get married. :'''Aladdin''': That's, that's awful. ''[Abu appears from behind the princess and tries to steal the apple]'' Abu! :''[Abu chatters and curses as he goes]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': What? :'''Aladdin''': Abu says it's, uh, it's not fair. :'''Abu''': What? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, did he? :'''Aladdin''': Yeah, of course. :'''Princess Jasmine''': And does Abu have anything else to say? :'''Aladdin''': Well, he wishes there was something he can do to help. :'''Abu''': Oh, boy. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Hmm. Tell him that's very sweet. :''[Aladdin and Jasmine gets closer and kiss her before Razoul and the guards cross towards them]'' :'''Guard''': Here you are! :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': They've found me! ''[beat]'' They're after you? :'''Princess Jasmine''': My father must have sent them... :'''Aladdin''': Do you trust me? :'''Princess Jasmine''': What? :'''Aladdin''': Do you trust me? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Yes. :'''Aladdin''': Then jump! :''[Aladdin and Jasmine leap off the roof, fall down and run before blocked by Razoul]'' :'''Razoul''': We just keep running into each other, don't we, street rat? :'''Aladdin''': Run. Go, get out of here. :''[Again, Razoul's turban is pulled down by Abu, but more guards are here and block the exit. Razoul pulls Abu off his head and throws him in a vase. Three other guards grab Aladdin]'' :'''Razoul''': It's the dungeon for you, boy. :'''Aladdin''': Hey, get off of me! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Let him go. :'''Razoul''': Looky here, men, a street mouse. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Unhand him, by order of the princess. :''[The guards grab Aladdin to bow as well]'' :'''Razoul''': Princess Jasmine. :'''Aladdin''': The princess? :'''Abu''': The princess? :'''Razoul''': What are you doing outside the palace? And with this street rat? :'''Princess Jasmine''': That's not your concern. Do as I command. Release him! :'''Razoul''': ''[last words]'' Well, I would, princess, but my orders come from Jafar. You will have to take it up with him. :''[The guards grab Aladdin out and walk past]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Believe me, I will. :''[Inside the palace, Jafar emerging from his secret chambers. Jafar slides the door shut carefully before Jasmine comes storms and Jafar slams it shut, pines Iago inside the door frame]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Jafar? :'''Jafar''': Oh, uh, princess. :'''Iago''': Awk! Jafar, I'm stuck! :'''Jafar''': How may I be of service to you? ''[spreads out his cape]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': The guards just took a boy from the market, on your orders. :'''Jafar''': Your father's charged me with keeping peace in Agrabah. The boy was a criminal. :'''Princess Jasmine''': What was his crime? :'''Iago''': I can't breathe, Jafar! :'''Jafar''': Why, kidnapping the princess, of course. :'''Iago''': If you could just. ''[he kicks him back inside the door and it slams shut]'' Ow! That hurt! :'''Princess Jasmine''': He didn't kidnap me! I ran away! :'''Jafar''': ''[walks away]'' Oh, dear! Oh, why frightfully upsetting. Had I but known. :'''Princess Jasmine''': What do you mean? :'''Jafar''': Sadly, the boy's sentence has already been carried out. :'''Princess Jasmine''': What sentence? :'''Jafar''': Death. ''[Jasmine gasps]'' By beheading. :'''Princess Jasmine''': No! :'''Jafar''': I am exceedingly sorry, princess. :'''Princess Jasmine''': How could you? ''[crying]'' :''[Iago finally makes it out through the door. He flies up and lands on Jafar's shoulder, coughing]'' :'''Iago''': So, how did it go? :'''Jafar''': I think she took it rather well. ''[they both get a sinister smile on their faces]'' :''[Outside the gardens, crying at the edge of the fountain. Rajah comes over to comfort her. She pets him]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': It's all my fault, Rajah. I didn't even know his name. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the dungeon, rats scurry across the gloomy walls, in and out of shafts of moonlight shining through a high, barred window. We see Aladdin chained to the wall]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[to himself]'' She was the princess. I don't believe it. I must have sounded so stupid to her. :'''Abu''': ''[from a distance]'' Yoo-hoo! Aladdin? Hello! :''[Abu's shadow appears at the window at the top of the dungeon]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu! Down here! :''[We hear chitters, scampers down before Aladdin pulls on his arm irons]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, come on. Help me outta these. :''[Abu stops, then begins chattering wildly, dropping to the ground. He wraps a cloth around his head and makes his eyes big in an imitates of the princess]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, she was in trouble. Ah, she was worth it. :''[Abu jumps up on Aladdin's shoulders and pulls a small set of tools out of his pocket, then frees Aladdin]'' :'''Abu''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. :'''Aladdin''': Don't worry, Abu, I'll never see her again. I'm a street rat, remember, and there's a law. She's gotta marry a prince, she deserves it. :''[Abu finally frees Aladdin's hands]'' :'''Abu''': Ta da! :'''Aladdin''': I'm a fool. :'''Jafar''': ''[off-screen]'' You're only a fool if you give up, boy. :''[Aladdin sees Jafar as a old prisoner sitting in the corner]'' :'''Aladdin''': Who are you? :'''Jafar''': A lowly prisoner like yourself. But together perhaps we can be more. :'''Aladdin''': I'm listening. :'''Jafar''': There is a cave, boy, the Cave of Wonders, filled with treasures beyond your wildest dreams. :''[Abu lights up at this]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[sly]'' Treasure enough to impress even your princess, I'd wager. :'''Iago''': Jafar, can ya hurry it up? I'm dying in here! :'''Aladdin''': But the law says that only a prince can marry... :'''Jafar''': Haven't you heard of the Golden Rule, haven't you boy? Whoever has the gold makes the rules. :'''Aladdin''': So why will you share all of that wonderful treasure with me? :'''Jafar''': I need a young pair of legs and a strong back to go in after it. :'''Aladdin''': Uh, one problem. It's out there, we're in here? :''[Jafar walks to a wall and pushes open a hidden exit]'' :'''Jafar''': Mmm, mmm, mmm. Things aren't always what they seem. So do we have a deal? :''[Aladdin looks at Abu, who shrugs his shoulders]'' :'''Abu''': Hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the desert scene, we see Aladdin leading a horse with Jafar and Abu on it, in the Cave of Wonders location]'' :'''Cave of Wonders''': Who disturbs my slumber? :'''Aladdin''': Uh, it is I, Aladdin. :''[Blinding light from the cave. Aladdin winces]'' :'''Cave of Wonders''': Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp. :''[The cave opens up with a roar, and a staircase appears in front of Aladdin]'' :'''Jafar''': Remember, boy, first fetch me the lamp. And then you shall have your reward. :'''Aladdin''': Come on, Abu. ''[to Abu hiding under the shoulder of his vest]'' :''[Aladdin begins to descend the staircase. He reaches the bottom and enters a golden chamber filled with treasure]'' :'''Aladdin''': Will you look at that! :'''Abu''': Uh-oh! :'''Aladdin''': Just a handful of this stuff would make me richer than the Sultan. :''[Abu peeks out, sees the treasure, then bolts for it]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu! :''[Abu stops in mid run, hovering over a rug on the floor]'' :'''Aladdin''': Don't touch anything! We gotta find that lamp. :''[They begin to make their way through the room when the Carpet rises off the floor and begins following them. Abu gets the feeling they're being followed]'' :'''Abu''': Huh? :''[He turns, and the Carpet lies flat on the floor. He continues, and the Carpet begins to follow again. Again, Abu turns back, but the Carpet is rolled up and leaning against a pile of treasure. Abu runs to Aladdin and tugs his pant leg]'' :'''Abu''': Aladdin! Aladdin! :'''Aladdin''': Abu, will you knock it off? :''[Again the Carpet follows, but this time, when Abu turns, the carpet jumps to the other side. It reaches down with a tassel and pulls Abu's tail. When Abu jumps around, Carpet again goes to the other side. This time, Abu lands in a karate stance. Carpet reaches down and plucks Abu's hat off, then puts it on himself. Abu sits thinking for a second, until Carpet waves a tassel in front of his face. Abu and Carpet both jump scared, and run away. Abu tackles Aladdin and turns his head to look at the Carpet]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, what are you, crazy? :''[The Carpet peeks out from behind a pile of treasure]'' :'''Aladdin''': The Magic Carpet. Come on, come on out, I'm not gonna hurt you. Hey, take it easy, Abu, he's not gonna bite. :''[The Carpet again picks up Abu's hat and hands it to him.]'' :'''Aladdin''': Thanks. :''[Abu shakes his fist and screeching. Carpet begins to walk away, "sadly"]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, wait a minute. Don't go. Maybe you can help us. :''[Carpet looks back, excited. It then flies over and wraps around the pair]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, whoa! You see, we're trying to find this lamp. :''[Carpet motions for them to follow it]'' :'''Aladdin''': I think he knows where it is. :''[They pass through a long cave, until they emerge in a giant underground cavern. In the center of the room is a tall pillar, with a staircase going up to it. It is surrounded by water with unevenly placed stones forming a bridge. At the top of the pillar is a beam of light, Aladdin across the bridge]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[softly]'' Wait here! :'''Abu''': Oh, huh? :''[Abu sees a shrine with a golden monkey. The outstretched paws hold a giant diamond. Abu is hypnotically drawn to it. Aladdin climbs the stairs quickly. Carpet sees Abu and grabs his tail trying in vain to hold him back. Aladdin finally reaches the magic lamp like '''[[w:Beyond Oasis|Beyond Oasis]]''' and '''[[w:Legend of Oasis|Legend of Oasis]]'''.]'' :'''Aladdin''': This is it? This is magic lamp. This is what we came all the way down here to...? ''[he looks down at Abu about to grab a red diamond from a monkey idol]'' Abu! NO! :''[Abu grabs the diamond]'' :'''Cave of Wonders''': <big>'''INFIDELS!!'''</big> :'''Abu''': Uh-oh! :'''Cave of Wonders''': <big>'''YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE FORBIDDEN TREASURE!!'''</big> ''[Abu tries to put the diamond back in the idol's palm, but the idol starts to melt away]'' <big>'''NOW YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!!'''</big> :''[Aladdin leaps his ramp, but they flatten into a ramp, and he skies down until he flies into the air. The water changes into lava. He is falling toward it, when all of a sudden Carpet appears and catches him. Abu is standing on one of the rocks of the bridge. He looks left and right and sees rocks exploding into lava like '''[[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'''. Then Carpet races over and Aladdin grabs him, just as the last rock is exploding]'' :'''Aladdin''': Whoa! Carpet, let's move! :''[Together, they race back through the caves dodging walls and falling debris. Abu grabs Aladdin's head and covers his eyes]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, this is no time to panic! ''[Aladdin pulls Abu off his head and sees the flies]'' Start panicking. Whoa! :''[Carpet goes into a dive, then through another cave. Finally, they emerge through the internal entrance. Outside, the earth trembes. Winds swirl ferociously. Lightning flashes, thunder booms. The cave begins to growl and close, a gigantic stalactite breaks off and pins the Carpet. Abu and Aladdin are thrown forward. A chasm opens, cutting them off from Aladdin and Abu are almost to the top when a boulder drops on carpet, sending it to the floor. Aladdin grabs onto the rock wall and holds on. He sees Jafar appears above]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[shouts over the din]'' Help me out! :'''Jafar''': Throw me the lamp! :'''Aladdin''': I can't hold on, give me your hand! :'''Jafar''': First give me the lamp. :''[Aladdin pulls out the lamp. Aladdin hands it up and Jafar raises up]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[laughs triumphantly]'' Yes! At last! :''[Jafar laughs evilly and grabs Aladdin's wrist]'' :'''Aladdin''': What are you doing? :'''Jafar''': Giving you your reward. ''[normal voice]'' Your eternal reward. :''[He pulls out a crooked dagger and is about to stab Aladdin, when Abu angrily bites him on the wrist. He painfully screams, but lets go of Aladdin, who falls into the cave. Jafar throws Abu into the cave as well. They fall. Carpet sees this, but is pinned under a boulder. It struggles to break free, then does. It races up and catches Aladdin, but he has already hit the wall several times, and is unconscious. On the surface, the cave roars one final time, then sinks back into the sand. Jafar pulls off his disguise]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[laughs]'' It's mine. ''[removes his disguise]'' It's all mine! I... ''[he searches his robe pockets for the lamp, but it is empty]'' Where is it? No! ''[falls to his knees]'' <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''</big> :''[Meanwhile, in Sultan's chamber like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''' and '''[[w:The Thief and the Cobbler|The Princess and the Cobbler]]'''. She is sitting on her bed, next to Rajah who looks sad. The Sultan walks in]'' :'''Sultan''': Jasmine? Oh, dearest. What's wrong? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Jafar... has... done... something terrible. ''[cries]'' :'''Sultan''': There, there, there, my child... We'll set it right. Now, tell me everything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the cave, Aladdin sleeps groggily on the Carpet and Abu tries]'' :'''Abu''': Oh, oh. Aladdin? Wake up. Aladdin. :'''Aladdin''': ''[groans]'' Oh, my head. ''[looks at a solid cavern]'' We're trapped. That two faced son-of-a-jackal! Whoever he was, he's long gone with that lamp. :'''Abu''': Aha! ''[pulls out the lamp]'' :'''Aladdin''': Why, you hairy little thief! It looks like such a beat-up, worthless piece of junk. Hey, I think there's something written here, but it's hard to make out. :''[Aladdin rubs the lamp with his sleeve, it glows slightly and the lamp begins to shake and glow, but Aladdin holds onto the lamp, towering above Aladdin is the gigantic Genie comes out of the lamp. He is a hip, hyper, mercurial [[Robin Williams]] type, full of exuberance]'' :'''Genie''': ''[screaming]'' OY! 10,000 years will give ya such a crick in the neck! Hang on a second! Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there! Nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, where ya from? What's your name? :'''Aladdin''': Uh, Al, Aladdin. :'''Genie''': Aladdin! Hello, Aladdin. Nice to have you on the show. Can we call you Al? Or maybe just Din? Or how about Laddie? Sounds like here, boy! ''[whistles]'' Come on, Laddie! :'''Aladdin''': ''[to the Carpet]'' I must have hit my head harder than I thought. :'''Genie''': Do you smoke? Mind if I do? Oh, sorry, Cheeta, I hope I didn't singe the fur! :''[Abu is comically scared before the Carpet laughs]'' :'''Genie''': ''[noticed the Carpet]'' Hey, Rugman! Haven't seen you in a few millennia! Give me some tassel! ''[to Aladdin]'' Yo yo! Yeah! Say, you're a lot smaller than my last master. Either that or I'm getting bigger. Look at me from the side, do I look different to you? :'''Aladdin''': Wait a minute! I'm your master? :'''Genie''': That's right! He can be taught!! What would you wish of me, ''[assumes a muscular physique and a deep [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]]-esque accent]'' the ever-impressive, ''[appears in a [[Superman II#General Zod|Phantom Zone]]-esque stretchy bubble]'' the long-contained, ''[creates a ventriloquist's dummy in his likeness, affecting a [[w:Señor Wences|Señor Wences]]-esque high-pitched voice]'' often imitated, ''[creates multiple copies of himself]'' but never duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated...Genie Of The Lamp! ''[turns into a caricature of [[w:Ed Sullivan|Ed Sullivan]] as the copies applaud]'' Right here direct from the lamp, right here for your very much wish fulfillment. Thank you! :'''Aladdin''': ''[getting it clear]'' Whoa! Wish fulfillment? :'''Genie''': Three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. That's it, three. ''[affects a [[w:Groucho Marx|Groucho Marx]] impression]'' Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds. :''[Aladdin stares before deadpan]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[to Abu]'' Now I know I'm dreaming. :'''Genie''': ''[music for "Friend Like Me" begins]'' Master, I don't think you quite realize what you've got here! So why don't you just ruminate, whilst I illuminate the possibilities. ''[singing]'' Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves / Scheherezade had a thousand tales / But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeves / You got a brand of magic never fails / You got some power in your corner now / Some heavy ammunition in your camp / You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how / See all you gotta do is rub that lamp / And I'll say...| Mister Aladdin, sir / What will your pleasure be? / Let me take your order / Jot it down / You ain't never had a friend like me...| Life is your restaurant / And I'm your maître d' / C'mon whisper what it is you want / You ain't never had a friend like me...| Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service / You're the boss / The king, the shah / Say what you wish / It's yours, true dish / How about a little more Baklava?| Have some of column A / Try all of column B / I'm in the mood to help you dude / You ain't never had a friend like me...| Can your friends do this? / Do your friends do that? / Do your friends pull this out their little hat? / Can your friends go poof? / Well, looky here / Can your friends go, Abracadabra, let 'er rip / And then make the sucker disappear?| So dontcha sit there slack-jawed, buggy-eyed / I'm here to answer all your midnight prayers / You got me bona fide, certified / You got a genie for your charge d'affaires / I got a powerful urge to help you out / So what-cha wish? / I really want to know / You got a list that's three miles long, no doubt / Well, all you gotta do is rub like so - and oh...| Mister Aladdin, sir, have a wish or two or three / I'm on the job, you big nabob / You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend / You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend / You ain't never had a friend like me / You ain't never had a friend like me, hah!| ''[song fades]'' :''[Back at the cave is empty again, save for Aladdin, Abu, the Carpet and the Genie, who now has a glowing neon "Applause" sign above his head]'' :'''Genie''': So what'll it be, master? :'''Aladdin''': You're gonna grant me any three wishes I want? :'''Genie''': ''[affecting a [[William F. Buckley]] accent]'' Ah, almost. There are a few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos. :'''Aladdin''': Like? :'''Genie''': Ah, rule number one: I can't kill anybody. ''[slices his head off with his finger]'' So don't ask. Rule number two: I can't make anyone fall in love with anyone else. ''[Genie's head turns into a big pair of lips which kiss Aladdin]'' You little punim, there. ''[lies flat, then gets up and transforms into a zombie affecting a [[w:Peter Lorre|Peter Lorre]] accent]'' Rule number three: I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. ''[grabs Aladdin and shakes him]'' '''I DON'T LIKE DOING IT!''' ''[poofs back to normal]'' Other than that, you got it! :'''Aladdin''': Ah, provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes? ''[to Abu]'' Some all powerful genie. Can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Abu. He probably can't even get us out of this cave. Looks like we're gonna have to find a way out of here. :'''Genie''': ''[stomps his foot in front of them, affects a [[w:Travis Bickle|Travis Bickle]]-esque [[w:Brooklyn accent|Brooklyn accent]], angrily and lost patience]'' Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me?! I don't think so! <big>'''''NOT right now! YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR WISHES, SO SIT DOWN!!'''''</big> ''[Aladdin and Abu sit on the carpet; Genie joins them and turns into a stewardess]'' In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet! WEEEEEEEEEEEE'RE... ''[they pop out of the cave and soar into the distance]'' <big>''...OUTTA HERE!''</big> <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next morning, inside the Sultan's palace, Jafar is there with Iago, Jasmine and the Sultan]'' :'''Sultan''': Jafar, this is an outrage. If it weren't for all your years of loyal service... From now on, you're to discuss sentencing of prisoners with me, before they are beheaded. :'''Jafar''': I assure you, Your Highness, it won't happen again. :'''Sultan''': Jasmine, Jafar, now let's put this whole messy business behind us. Please? :'''Jafar''': My most abject and humblest apologies to you as well, Princess. :''[Jafar takes her hand to kiss it, but she yanks it away]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': At least some good will come of my being forced to marry. When I am queen, I will have the power to get rid of you. :'''Sultan''': That's nice. All settled, then. Now, Jasmine, getting back to this suitor business, ''[looks and sees Jasmine walking out]'' Jasmine? Jasmine! :''[The Sultan runs after her]'' :'''Jafar''': If only I had gotten that lamp! :'''Iago''': ''[Jasmine's voice]'' I will have the power to get rid of you! ''[normal voice]'' Doh! To think, we gotta keep kissing up to that chump, and his chump daughter for the rest of our lives... :'''Jafar''': No, Iago. Only until she finds a chump husband. Then she'll have us banished, or beheaded! :'''Jafar and Iago''': Eeewww! :'''Iago''': ''[has an idea]'' Oh! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Jafar? What if you were the chump husband? :'''Jafar''': ''[looks at Iago in insult]'' What? :'''Iago''': Okay, you marry the princess, all right? Then, uh, you become sultan! :'''Jafar''': Oh! Marry the shrew? I become sultan. The idea has merit! :'''Iago''': Yes, merit! Yes! And then we drop papa-in-law and the little woman off a cliff! ''[dive bombs into the floor]'' Kersplat! :'''Jafar''': Iago, I love the way your foul little mind works! :''[Both laugh]'' :''[We scene switches to an oasis in the desert, where Carpet is coming in for a landing]'' :'''Genie''': ''[still as stewardess, now using a [[w: Carol Channing|Carol Channing]]-esque voice]'' Thank you for choosing Magic Carpet for all your travel needs. Don't stand until the rug has come to a complete stop. ''[as Aladdin and Abu get off down the stairway formed by Carpet]'' Thank you. Goodbye, goodbye! Thank you! Goodbye! ''[back to normal]'' Well, how about that, Mr. Doubting Mustafa? :'''Aladdin''': Oh, you sure showed me. Now about my three wishes-- :'''Genie''': Dost mine ears deceive me? Three? You are down by ONE, boy! :'''Aladdin''': Ah, no. I never actually wished to get out of the cave. You did that on your own. :''[Genie thinks for a second, then his jaw drops. He turns into a sheep]'' :'''Genie''': Well, don't I feel just sheepish? All right, you baaaaad boy, but no more freebies. :'''Aladdin''': Fair deal. So, three wishes. I want them to be good. ''[to Genie]'' What would you wish for? :''[Genie is hanging like a hammock between two trees]'' :'''Genie''': Me? No one's ever asked me that before. Well, in my case, ah, forget it. :'''Aladdin''': What? :'''Genie''': No, I can't. I... :'''Aladdin''': Come on, tell me. :'''Genie''': Freedom. :'''Aladdin''': You're a prisoner? :'''Genie''': It's all part-and-parcel, the whole genie gig. ''[grows gigantic, voice echoes]'' Phenomenal cosmic powers! ''[shrinks down, cramped in Magic Lamp]'' Itty-bitty living space. :'''Aladdin''': Genie, that's terrible. :'''Genie''': ''[comes out of the lamp]'' But, oh, to be free. Won't have to go "Poof! What do you need? Poof! What do you need? Poof! What do you need?" To be my own master, such a thing would be greater than all the riches and all the treasures in all the world! But what am I talking about? Let's be real here. It's not gonna happen. Genie, wake up and smell the hummus! :'''Aladdin''': Why not? :'''Genie''': The only way I get outta this, is if my master wishes me out. So, you can guess how often that's happened. :'''Aladdin''': I'll do it. I'll set you free. :'''Genie''': ''[Head turns into [[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio's]] with a long nose]'' Uh huh, yeah, right. Whoop! :'''Aladdin''': No, really, I promise. ''[He pushes the nose back in and Genie's head returns to normal.]'' After I make my first two wishes, I use my third wish to set you free. ''[He holds out his hand]'' :'''Genie''': Well, here's hopin'. ''[Shakes Aladdin's hand.]'' All right. Let's make some magic! ''[Turns into a magician.]'' So how 'bout it? What is it you want most? :'''Aladdin''': Well... there's this girl. :'''Genie''': Eehhh, wrong! ''[Like a buzzer, and Genie's chest shows a heart with a cross through it.]'' I can't make anybody fall in love, remember? :'''Aladdin''': Oh, but--but Genie, she’s smart and--and fun, and... :'''Genie''': Pretty? :'''Aladdin''': Beautiful! She's got these eyes that just... and this hair, wow... and her smile. ''[sighs]'' :'''Genie''': ''[Sitting in a Parisian cafe with Abu and Carpet.]'' Ah, mi, c'est l'amour. :'''Aladdin''': But she's the princess. To even have a chance, I’d have to be... Hey... can you make me a prince? :'''Genie''': Let's see here. ''[Pulls out a "Royal Cookbook".]'' Chicken à la king? ''[Pulls out a chicken with a crown on its head]'' Nope. Alaskan king crab. ''[Yanks out his finger, and we see Sebastian from "'''[[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'''" clamped on.]'' Ow. I hate it when they do that. Caesar salad? Ah! ''[An arm wielding a dagger comes out and tries to stab him.]'' [[w:Et tu, Brute|Et tu, Brute?]] No. Aha. "To make a prince." ''[Looks slyly at Aladdin.]'' Now is that an official wish? Say the magic words! :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I wish for you to make me a prince! :'''Genie''': All riiiiight! ''[Takes on square shoulders and briefly looks like [[w: Arsenio Hall|Arsenio Hall]]]'' Yo, yo, whoof, whoof, whoof! ''[Then becomes a tailor/fashion designer.]'' First, that fez and vest combo is much too third century. These patches--what are we trying to say--beggar? No! Let’s work with me here. ''[He takes Aladdin's measurements, wraps him up in measuring tape, pulls it away and Aladdin is outfitted in his prince costume.]'' I like it, muy macho! Now, still needs something. What does it say to me? It says mode of transportation. Excuse me, monkey boy! Aquí, over here! :''[Abu tries to cover himself with Carpet, but Genie zaps him and he flies over.]'' :'''Abu''': Uh oh! :'''Genie''': ''[doing a [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]] impression]'' Here he comes, ''[Aladdin and Genie are on a game show set, where Aladdin stands behind a podium with "Al" on it.]'' and what better way to make your grand entrance on the streets of Agrabah, than riding your very own brand new camel! Watch out, they spit! ''[A door bearing the Genie's head on it opens, where Abu is transformed into a camel. He spits out the side of his mouth on cue. But the Genie's not sure.]'' Mmm, not enough. ''[He snaps his fingers and Abu turns into a fancy white horse.]'' Still not enough. Let’s see. What do you need? ''[The Genie snaps his fingers repeatedly, turning Abu into: a duck, an ostrich, a turtle, and a '57 Cadillac, with license plate "Abu 1." Finally, he’s returned to normal.]'' Yes! Esalalumbo, shimin Dumbo! Whoa!! ''[And on the keyword of the spell, Dumbo, Abu turns into an elephant. Carpet struggles to get out from under Abu’s size 46 feet.]'' Talk about your trunk space, check this action out! :''[Abu sees his reflection in a pool of water, then jumps into a tree. The tree naturally bends right back down to the ground, where Abu hangs on and looks at Aladdin upside down.]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, you look good. :'''Genie''': He's got the outfit, he's got the elephant, but we're not through yet. Hang on to your turban, kid, we're gonna make you a star! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We zoom out slowly with the oasis in the distance, as fireworks begin to explode outward. Cut to a stack of a pile of toys. (Look for the Beast from "'''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'''" here.) We tilt up and see the Sultan balancing them. He carefully balances the last piece on top, then sits back and sighs. Jafar storms in, though, and the pile collapses.]'' :'''Jafar''': Sire, I have found a solution to the problem with your daughter. :'''Iago''': Awk! The problem with your daughter! :'''Sultan''': Oh, really? :'''Jafar''': ''[Unrolling a scroll]'' Right here. "If the princess has not chosen a husband by the appointed time, then the sultan shall choose for her." :'''Sultan''': But Jasmine hated all those suitors! ''[He tries to stuff a cracker into Iago's mouth. Iago backs away. The Sultan absentmindedly pulls the cracker back.]'' How could I choose someone she hates? ''[Iago is relieved, but the Sultan quickly stuffs a cracker in his mouth.]'' :'''Jafar''': Not to worry, my liege. There is more. If, in the event a suitable prince cannot be found, a princess must then be wed to... hmm... interesting. :'''Sultan''': What? Who? :'''Jafar''': The royal vizier! Why, that would be...me! :'''Sultan''': Why, I thought the law says that only a prince can marry a princess, I’m quite sure. :'''Jafar''': Desperate times call for desperate measures, my lord. ''[He pulls out the staff and hypnotizes the Sultan with it.]'' :'''Sultan''': Yes... desperate measures... :'''Jafar''': You will order the princess to marry me. :'''Sultan''': I... will order... the princess... to... ''[the spell breaks momentarily]'' ...but you're so old! :'''Jafar''': ''[Holds the staff closer]'' The princess WILL marry me! :''[The trumpet fanfare of "Prince Ali" begins]'' :'''Sultan''': The princess will marry... What? What is that? That music! Ha ha ha. Jafar, you must come and see this! :'''Chorus''': Make way for Prince Ali / Say hey! It's Prince Ali. :'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Hey, clear the way in the old bazaar / Hey, you! Let us through, it's a bright new star / Oh, come be the first on your block to meet his eye / Make way, here he comes, ring bells, bang the drums! / Oh, you're gonna love this guy!| Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa / Genuflect, show some respect / Down on one knee / Now, try your best to stay calm / Brush up your [[Sunday]] salaam / Then come and meet his spectacular coterie / Prince Ali, mighty is he, Ali Ababwa / Strong as ten regular men, definitely. ''[speaking as [[w:Walter Brennan|Walter Brennan]]]'' He faced the galloping hordes! ''[singing]'' A hundred bad guys with swords / ''[as [[w:Lou Albano|Lou Albano]]]'' Who sent those goons to their lords? Why, Prince Ali! :'''Chorus''': He's got 75 golden camels. :'''Genie''': ''[as [[w:Harry Reasoner|Harry Reasoner]]]'' Don't they look lovely, June? :'''Chorus''': Purple peacocks, he's got 53. :'''Genie''': ''[as [[w:June Lockhart|June Lockhart]] or [[w:Mary Hart|Mary Hart]]]'' Fabulous Harry, I love the feathers. ''[singing]'' When it comes to exotic-type mammals / Has he got a zoo? I'm telling you. :'''Genie and Chorus and Girls''': It's a world-class menagerie. :'''Genie and Girls''': ''[Genie doing an [[w:Ethel Merman|Ethel Merman]] impression]'' Prince Ali, handsome is he, there's no question, this Ali's alluring / Ali Ababwa, never ordinary, never boring / That physique! How can I speak? / Weak at the knee, everything about the man just plain impresses / Well, get on out in that square, he's a winner, he's a wiz, a wonder / Adjust your veil and prepare, he's about to pull my heart asunder / To gawk and grovel and stare at Prince Ali, and I absolutely love the way he dresses. :'''Chorus and Girls''': He's got 95 white Persian monkeys / He's got the monkeys, let's see the monkeys / And to view them, he charges no fee / He's generous, so generous / He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies / Proud to work for him! / They bow to his whim, love serving him / They're just lousy with loyalty to Ali, Prince Ali. :'''Genie and Chorus and Girls''': Prince Ali, amorous he, Ali Ababwa. :'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Heard your princess was a sight lovely to see! / And that, good people, is why / He got dolled up and dropped by. :'''Chorus and Girls''': With 60 elephants, llamas galore / With his bears and lions, a brass band and more / With his forty fakirs, his cooks, his bakers / His birds that warble on key / Make way for Prince Ali! ''[fanfare ends]'' :'''Sultan''': ''[clapping]'' Splendid, absolutely marvelous. :'''Aladdin''': ''[clears throat]'' Your Majesty, I have journeyed from afar to seek your daughter's hand. :'''Sultan''': Prince Ali Ababwa! Of course. I'm delighted to meet you. ''[rushes over and shakes Aladdin's hand]'' This is my royal vizier, Jafar. He's delighted too. :'''Jafar''': ''[extremely dryly]'' Ecstatic. I'm afraid, Prince Abooboo... :'''Aladdin''': ...Ababwa! :'''Jafar''': Whatever. You cannot just parade in here uninvited and expect to... :'''Sultan''': ...by Allah, this is quite a remarkable device. ''[tugs at the tassels, and they tug his moustache]'' I don't suppose I might... :'''Aladdin''': Why certainly, your majesty. Allow me. :''[He helps the Sultan up onto the Carpet, and he plops down. Jafar pins the Carpet down on the floor with the staff]'' :'''Jafar''': Sire, I must advise against this. :'''Sultan''': Oh, button up, Jafar. Learn to have a little fun. :''[He kicks away the staff and Carpet and Sultan fly away. Iago, who was standing on the head of the staff, falls down, repeatedly bopping the staff with his beak as he descends. Sultan and Carpet fly high into the ceiling, then begin a dive-bomb attack, flying under Abu, scaring him. The flight continues in the background, while Jafar and Ali talk in the foreground]'' :'''Jafar''': Just where did you say you were from? :'''Aladdin''': Oh, much farther than you've traveled, I'm sure. ''[smiles. Jafar does not]'' :'''Jafar''': Try me. ''[Iago lands on the staff]'' :'''Sultan''': Look out, Polly! :''[They all duck in time as the Carpet whizzes centimeters over their heads. Carpet returns and the Sultan chases Iago around the room]'' :'''Iago''': Hey, watch it. Watch it with the dumb rug! :''[The Carpet zooms underneath Iago, who sighs, wipes his brow, and crashes into a pillar. He crashes to the floor, and his head is circled by miniature Sultan's on Carpet's, saying "Have a cracker, have a cracker." The real Sultan begins his final approach]'' :'''Sultan''': Out of the way, I'm coming in to land. Jafar, watch this! ''[he lands]'' :'''Jafar''': Spectacular, Your Highness. :'''Sultan''': Ooh, that was lovely. Yes, I do seem to have a knack for it. ''[Carpet walks over to Abu dizzily, then collapses. Abu catches it]'' This is a very impressive youth. And a prince besides. ''[whispers to Jafar]'' If we're lucky, you won't have to marry Jasmine after all. :'''Jafar''': I don't trust him, sire. :'''Sultan''': Nonsense. One thing I pride myself on Jafar, I'm an excellent judge of character. :'''Iago''': Oh, excellent judge, yeah, sure...not!!! :''[Jasmine walks in quietly]'' :'''Sultan''': Jasmine will like this one! :'''Aladdin''': And I'm pretty sure I'll like Princess Jasmine! :'''Jafar''': Your Highness, no. I must intercede on Jasmine's behalf. ''[Jasmine hears this and gets mad]'' This boy is no different than the others. What makes him think he is worthy of the princess? :'''Aladdin''': Your Majesty, I am Prince Ali Ababwa! ''[pricks Jafar's goatee, which springs out in all directions]'' Just let her meet me. I will win your daughter! :'''Princess Jasmine''': How dare you! ''[they all look at her surprised]'' All of you, standing around deciding my future? I am not a prize to be won! ''[storms out]'' :'''Sultan''': Oh, dear. Don't worry, Prince Ali. Just give Jasmine time to cool down. ''[they exit]'' :'''Jafar''': I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince Abooboo. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jasmine on her balcony at night. We tilt down and find Aladdin and company in the courtyard]'' :'''Aladdin''': What am I going to do? Jasmine won't even let me talk to her. I should have known I couldn't pull off this stupid prince wish. :''[Abu struggles with his elephant paws to open a banana. He squishes it, and the banana squirts into his eye. He then tosses the banana peel into a heaping pile of the same]'' :'''Genie''': ''[to Carpet, playing chess]'' So move! ''[Carpet does, knocking a black piece off the board]'' Hey, that's a good move. ''[as [[Rodney Dangerfield]]]'' I can't believe it--I'm losing to a rug. :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I need help. :'''Genie''': ''[as [[Jack Nicholson]]]'' All right, sparky, here's the deal. You wanna court the little lady, you gotta be a straight shooter, do ya got it? :'''Aladdin''': What? :'''Genie''': ''[back to normal, points out his words on a blackboard]'' Tell her the...<big>'''TRUTH!!!'''</big> :'''Aladdin''': No way! If Jasmine found out I was really some crummy street rat, ''[downcast]'' she'd laugh at me. ''[dons turban]'' :'''Genie''': ''[turns turban into a lamp shade]'' A woman appreciates a man who can make her laugh! Al, all joking aside, you really oughtta be yourself. :'''Aladdin''': Hey, that's the last thing I want to be. Okay, I'm gonna go see her. I gotta be smooth, cool, confident. How do I look? :''[The Genie regards him a little sadly. Gestures, the turban is restored]'' :'''Genie''': ''[false good humor]'' Like a prince. :''[Aladdin flies up to the balcony on Carpet. Jasmine is on her bed, sighing. Rajah is by her side]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[from a distance]'' Princess Jasmine? :''[Rajah looks up and growls]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Who's there? :'''Aladdin''': It's me, Prince Ali. Ahem-- ''[then he jumps to his deep voice]'' Prince Ali Ababwa. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I do not want to see you. :''[Jasmine turns to go inside. He moves after her, so the room light illumines him]'' :'''Aladdin''': No, no, please princess. Give me a chance. ''[Rajah growls and advances on him]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Just leave me alone. :'''Aladdin''': Down kitty! :''[Over the edge of the balcony, Carpet is watching with Genie below]'' :'''Genie''': How's our beau doing? :''[Carpet cuts his neck with his finger]'' :'''Aladdin''': Good kitty, take off. Down kitty. ''[He takes off his turban to brush Rajah away]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[looks at him thinking she has seen him before]'' Wait, wait. Do I know you? :'''Aladdin''': ''[quickly replaces his turban]'' Uh, no, no. :'''Princess Jasmine''': You remind me of someone I met in the marketplace. :'''Aladdin''': The marketplace? ''[a bee buzzes around his head]'' I have servants that go to the marketplace for me. Why I even have servants who go to the marketplace for my servants, so it couldn't have been me you met. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[looks disappointed]'' No, I guess not. :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Enough about you, Casanova. Talk about her! She's smart, fun, the hair, the eyes. Anything--pick a feature! :'''Aladdin''': Um, Princess Jasmine? You're very... :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Wonderful, glorious, magnificent, punctual! :'''Aladdin''': Punctual! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Punctual? :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Sorry. :'''Aladdin''': Beautiful. :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Nice recovery. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Hmm. I'm rich too, you know. :'''Aladdin''': Yeah! :'''Princess Jasmine''': The daughter of a sultan. :'''Aladdin''': I know. :'''Princess Jasmine''': A fine prize for any prince to marry. :'''Aladdin''': Uh, right. Right. A prince like me. :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee; buzzing in his ear]'' Warning! Warning! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Right, a prince like you. And every other stuffed shirt, swaggering peacock I've met! :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee; rear end on fire, wearing goggles and crashing]'' Mayday! Mayday! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Just go jump off a balcony! ''[turns and walks away]'' :'''Aladdin''': What? :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Stop her! Stop her! Do you want me to sting her? :'''Aladdin''': ''[swats at bee]'' Buzz off! :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Okay, fine. But remember--bee yourself! ''[buzzes into his turban]'' :'''Aladdin''': Yeah, right! :'''Princess Jasmine''': What!?! :'''Aladdin''': Uh, you're right. You aren't just some prize to be won. ''[looks disappointed]'' You should be free to make your own choice. ''[Jasmine and Rajah look at each other in confusion]'' I'll go now. ''[steps up on the ledge and drops off]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': No! :'''Aladdin''': ''[pokes his head up from over the edge]'' What? What? :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[now she's amazed]'' How--how are you doing that? ''[she looks over the edge and sees the Carpet]'' :'''Aladdin''': It's a magic carpet. :'''Princess Jasmine''': It's lovely. ''[Carpet takes Jasmine's hand with a tassel]'' :'''Aladdin''': You, uh, you don't want to go for a ride, do you? We could get out of the palace, see the world. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Is it safe? :'''Aladdin''': Sure. Do you trust me? :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[looks at him at the saying of that all-important line]'' What? :'''Aladdin''': ''[extends his hand the same as before]'' Do you trust me? :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[gets a sly grin on her face]'' Yes. :''[Jasmine takes his hand and hops on Carpet, with the camera zooms into the sky, knocking them both into sitting positions. Brad Kane and Lea Salonga music playing a song [[w:A Whole New World|A Whole New World]]. Jasmine looks back and sees Rajah looks up at her questioningly. She gasps as they fly over the palace wall and into the sky]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' I can show you the world / Shining, shimmering, splendid / Tell me, princess, now when did / You last let your heart decide?| I can open your eyes / Take you wonder by wonder / Over, sideways and under / On a magic carpet ride...| A whole new world / A new fantastic point of view / No one to tell us no / Or where to go / Or say we're only dreaming. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A whole new world / A dazzling place I never knew / But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear / That now I'm in a whole new world with you. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Now I'm in a whole new world with you. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' Unbelievable sights / Indescribable feeling / Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling / Through an endless diamond sky...| A whole new world. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Don't you dare close your eyes. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A hundred thousand things to see. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Hold your breath, it gets better. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' I can't go back to where I used to be...| A whole new world. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' Every turn a surprise. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' With new horizons to pursue. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' Every moment, red-letter. :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' I'll chase them anywhere, there's time to spare / Let me share this whole new world with you...| A whole new world, a whole new world / That's where we'll be, that's where we'll be. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' A thrilling chase. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A wondrous place. :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' For you and me...| ''[song fades]'' :''[Carpet hovers along over a lake, and we see the reflection of the moon in the lake. Fireworks burst and before them is the Great Wall of China in '''[[w:Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]''', sitting on a rooftop]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': It's all so magical. :'''Aladdin''': Yeah. :'''Princess Jasmine''': It's a shame Abu had to miss this. :'''Aladdin''': Nah, he hates fireworks. He doesn't really like flying either. That is... Oh, no! :'''Princess Jasmine''': You're the boy from the market! I knew it. Why did you lie to me? :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I'm sorry. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Did you think I was stupid? :'''Aladdin''': No! :'''Princess Jasmine''': That I wouldn't figure it out? :'''Aladdin''': No. I mean, I hoped you wouldn't. No, that's not what I meant. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Who are you? Tell me the truth! :'''Aladdin''': The truth? :''[Aladdin looks at Carpet on rooftop]'' :'''Aladdin''': The truth, the truth is, I sometimes dress as a commoner, to escape the pressures of palace life. But I really am a prince! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Why didn't you just tell me? :'''Aladdin''': Well, you know, uh, royalty going out into the city in disguise. It seems a little strange, don't you think? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Not that strange. :''[Jasmine flicks up the feather, Carpet puts a tassel under his "chin" and looks mystified. In the palace balcony, where Aladdin and Jasmine return]'' :''[Carpet forms a set of steps and she descends. Aladdin descending below the balcony]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Good night, my handsome prince. :'''Aladdin''': Sleep well, princess. ''[They slowly lean forward to kiss before Carpet bumps him up and they kiss sooner than expected]'' Yes! ''[he falls back onto the Carpet, who descends to the ground]'' For the first time in my life, things are starting to go right. ''[Aladdin looks up at Jasmine's balcony, and suddenly the guards' hand grab him]'' :'''Guards''': Aha! :'''Aladdin''': Hey! What?! ''[muffled]'' Abu! Abu! :'''Guard''': Hold him! :''[Razoul grabs Aladdin on his feet and his hands. Razoul ties Carpet in a knot and Jafar approaches]'' :'''Jafar''': I'm afraid you've worn out your welcome, Prince A-Boo-Boo. :'''Aladdin''': ''[muffled]'' Why, you... :'''Jafar''': ''[walks away]'' Make sure he's never found. :''[Razoul hits him in the head, and he falls unconscious. In a cliff, where Razoul laughs as Aladdin's body drops into the water. He is conscious now, but his feet are tied to a rock. The rock hits the sea bottom, then the turban lands and the lamp tumbles out. He sees this and struggles to rub the lamp. However, he loses consciousness and falls to the floor. The lamp, unsettled by his movement, rolls down and rubs against his hands. It shakes, and Genie emerges with a bath brush, rubber duckie, and shower cap]'' :'''Genie''': Never fails. You get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp. ''[squeaks the duck]'' Hello? ''[sees unconscious Aladdin]'' Al? Al! Kid, snap out of it. You can't cheat on this one, I can't help you unless you make a wish. You have to say, "Genie, I want you to save my life." Got it? Okay. Come on, Aladdin!! ''[he grabs Aladdin by the shoulders and shakes him. His head goes up, then falls]'' I'll take that as a yes. ''[head turns into a siren]'' Wooga! Wooga! ''[turns into a submarine]'' Up scope! ''[he babbles in something that sounds like [[German language|German]]. On the surface, a giant water spout emerges, and lands on top of the cliff. Aladdin reawakes and coughs the water out of his lungs]'' Don't you scare me like that! :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I--uh, I-uh, I... ''[he can't think of how to say it, so they just hug each other]'' Thanks, Genie. :'''Genie''': Oh, Al. I'm gettin' kind of fond of you, kid. Not that I want to pick out curtains or anything. :''[Inside Jasmine's room, Jasmine humming "A Whole New World" and unbraids her hair. The Sultan appears in one of the double doors, hypnotized]'' :'''Sultan''': ''[from a distance]'' Jasmine! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, father--I just had the most wonderful time. I'm so happy. :'''Sultan''': ''[tranced]'' You should be, Jasmine. I have chosen a husband for you. :'''Princess Jasmine''': What? :'''Sultan''': ''[the other door opens and reveals Jafar]'' You will wed Jafar. :''[Jasmine gasps. Jafar steps forward, the sight of him]'' :'''Jafar''': You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I will never marry you. ''[goes to the Sultan]'' Father, I choose Prince Ali! :'''Jafar''': Prince Ali left! :''[A quick pan finds Aladdin standing in the doorway to the balcony]'' :'''Aladdin''': Better check your crystal ball again, Jafar! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Prince Ali! :''[Jafar gasps at the sight of Aladdin]'' :'''Iago''': How in the he-- ''[back to parrot-ese]'' --uh, awk! :'''Aladdin''': Tell them the truth, Jafar! You tried to have me killed. :'''Jafar''': What? ''[goes to the Sultan]'' Ridiculous nonsense, Your Highness. He is obviously lying. :''[Jafar brings the staff close to the Sultan's face]'' :'''Sultan''': Obviously...lying. :''[Aladdin sees the staff with its glowing eyes]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Father, what's wrong with you? :'''Aladdin''': I know what's wrong. :''[Aladdin smashes the head of the staff against the floor, Jafar flinches and the spell is broken for good]'' :'''Sultan''': Oh, oh, oh my! :'''Aladdin''': Your Highness, Jafar's been controlling you with this! ''[he advances the staff]'' :'''Sultan''': What? Jafar? You, you traitor! :''[The trio advances on Jafar]'' :'''Jafar''': Your Majesty, all of this can be explained. :'''Sultan''': Guards! Guards! :'''Iago''': Well, that's it--we're dead, forget it. Just dig a grave for both of us. We're dead. :''[But Jafar sees the lamp in Aladdin's pocket. Jafar makes a move, but is arrested by guards]'' :'''Sultan''': Arrest Jafar at once. :'''Jafar''': ''[a hiss]'' This is not done yet, boy! :''[Aladdin leaps at him, but Jafar throws down a smoke pellet. A large red cloud appears. Jafar is gone. Jasmine helps Aladdin up, embraces him]'' :'''Sultan''': Find him, search everywhere! :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, are you all right? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Yes. :''[They lean in to kiss, but the Sultan barges between them]'' :'''Sultan''': Jafar, my most trusted counselor, plotting against me all this time. This is horrible, just horrible. How will I ever-- :''[The Sultan notices Jasmine and Aladdin, and looks at the pair]'' :'''Sultan''': Can it be true? My daughter has finally chosen a suitor? ''[she nods]'' Ha, ha! Praise Allah! You brilliant boy, I could kiss you! I won't--I'll leave that to my... ''[Aladdin beams]'' But you two will be wed at once! Yes, yes. And you'll be happy and prosperous, and then my boy, you will be sultan! :'''Aladdin''': ''[surprised]'' Sultan? :'''Sultan''': Yes, a fine upstanding youth like yourself, a person of your unimpeachable moral character is exactly what this kingdom needs! :''[Aladdin looks concerned at this. Inside Jafar's chambers, Jafar and Iago enter]'' :'''Iago''': We gotta get outta here! We gotta get-- I gotta start packing, Your Highness. Only essentials. :''[Iago starts throwing things out of his cage. Jafar smiles broadly]'' :'''Iago''': We gotta travel light! Bring the guns, the weapons, the knives ''[stops and takes out a picture of himself and Jafar]'' and how about this picture? I don't know--I think I'm making a weird face in it. :''[Jafar laughs, a bit wildly]'' :'''Iago''': Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's gone nuts. ''[Iago flies down to him and knocks on his head]'' Jafar? Jafar? Get a grip, Jafar! ''[Jafar grabs him around the neck]'' Good grip! :'''Jafar''': Prince Ali is nothing more than that ragged urchin Aladdin. ''[loosens his grip]'' He has the lamp, Iago. :'''Iago''': Why that miserable-- :'''Jafar''': But you are going to relieve him of it! :'''Iago''': Me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the palace, Aladdin is looking at the gardens]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[to himself]'' Sultan? You want me to be "sultan"? :'''Genie''': ''[comes out of his lamp]'' Huzzah! Hail the conquerin' hero! ''[He turns into a one-man band. He sees Aladdin walk away with his head hung. He stops, scratches his head, comes up with an idea, then zooms over to Aladdin. He holds up his hands like a director scoping a picture and we look through them.]'' Aladdin! You've just won the heart of the princess. What are you gonna do next? :''[Aladdin sadly walks to the bed. He goes to him and pulls out a script]'' :'''Genie''': Psst, your line is "I'm going to free the genie." Anytime. :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I can't. :'''Genie''': Sure ya can. You just go, ''[grabs Aladdin’s head and uses him as a mock ventriloquist's dummy]'' "Genie, I wish you free." :'''Aladdin''': ''[pulls him away]'' I'm serious! Look, I'm sorry-- I really am. But they wanna make me sultan-- no! They wanna make Prince Ali sultan. Without you, I'm just Aladdin. :'''Genie''': Al, you've won! :'''Aladdin''': Because of you! The only reason anyone thinks I'm worth anything is because of you. What if they find out I'm not really a prince? What if Jasmine finds out? I'd lose her. Genie, I-I can't keep this up on my own. I... I can't wish you free. :'''Genie''': ''[obviously hurt]'' Fine. I understand. After all, you've lied to everyone else. Hey, I was just beginning to feel left out. Now, if you'll excuse me, "Master". ''[vanishes into his lamp]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[picks up his lamp]'' Genie, I'm really sorry. ''[a tongue comes out of the spout and blows raspberry at him, he angrily covers it with a pillow]'' Well, fine! Then just... '''stay''' in there! ''[sees Abu and Carpet looking at him, bitterly but still angry]'' What are you guys lookin' at? ''[Abu and Carpet sadly starts leaving]'' Look, I... I-I'm sor... Abu, I'm sorry. I didn't... Wait. Come on. ''[sighs]'' What am I doing? Genie's right--I gotta tell Jasmine the truth. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[off-screen]'' Ali, oh Ali--will you come here? :'''Aladdin''': ''[putting on his turban]'' Well, here goes. ''[walks into the garden]'' Jasmine? Where are you? :''[We see Iago wearing a beak and standing in stilts next of a flamingo in the pond. He is imitating Jasmine's voice]'' :'''Iago''': Out in the menagerie, hurry. :'''Aladdin''': I'm coming. :''[We see Aladdin hurry past, not noticing the birds. Iago laughs, then turns back and looks into the face of a flamingo, who is panting and sighs]'' :'''Iago''': Ya got a problem, pinky? ''[he sweeps the bird sneaks from under it. Iago rushes into the palace and finds the lamp under the pillow]'' Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you! Excellent! ''[stretches his face and imitating Jafar's voice]'' Good work, Iago! ''[normal voice]'' Ah, go on. ''[Jafar's voice]'' No, really--on a scale of one to ten, you are an eleven! ''[normal voice]'' Ah, Jafar--you're too kind. I'm embarrassed, I'm blushing. :''[Iago flies away with the lamp]'' :''[Outside the palace entrance, the Sultan is standing on top, gates open, throngs of people cheering]'' :'''Sultan''': People of Agrabah, my daughter has finally chosen a suitor! :''[She behind the curtain, where Jasmine is peeking. Aladdin appears at the bottom of the stairs]'' :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Ali, where have you been? :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, there's something I've got to tell you. :'''Princess Jasmine''': The whole kingdom has turned out for father's announcement! :'''Aladdin''': No! But Jasmine, listen to me, please! You don't understand... :'''Princess Jasmine''': Good luck! :''[Jasmine pushes him out onto the platform with the Sultan, the crowd cheers]'' :'''Sultan''': ...Ali Ababwa! :'''Aladdin''': Oh, boy! :''[Jafar and Iago are watching the sultan coronation.]'' :'''Iago''': Look at them, cheering that little pipsqueak. :'''Jafar''': Let them cheer. ''[rubs the lamp]'' :'''Genie''': ''[comes out of the lamp]'' Ya know, Al, I'm getting really-- ''[sees Jafar]'' I don't think you're him. ''[reads the script]'' Tonight, the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man. :'''Jafar''': ''[grabs Genie and pins him under his foot]'' I am your master now! :'''Genie''': I was afraid of that. :'''Jafar''': Genie, grant me my first wish! I wish to rule on high <big>'''''AS SULTAN!'''''</big> :''[Outside where dark clouds circle the palace like '''[[w:Dark Cloud|Dark Cloud]]'''. The palace earthshakes. The roof rips off and the Sultan and Aladdin duck.'' :'''Aladdin''': Whoa! :'''Sultan''': Bless my soul. What is this? What's going on? Oh, my goodness, what's happening? :''[His turban lifts off his head. When the Sultan grabs it, his whole body flies up, then is stripped of all his clothes except his underwear. The clothes reappears in Jafar]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Father. :''[Jafar laughs evilly]'' :'''Sultan''': Jafar, you vile betrayer. :'''Iago''': That's Sultan Vile Betrayer to you. :'''Aladdin''': Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that! ''[pulls off his own turban, but finds it empty]'' The lamp! :'''Jafar''': Finders-keepers, Abooboo. :''[They both look up and see a gigantic Genie lift the palace into the thunder cackling. Aladdin gasps. The Genie destroys the palace. Aladdin whistles and Carpet flies up to greet him. The villagers run and scream. They fly up near the Genie's head]'' :'''Aladdin''': Genie! No! :'''Genie''': Sorry, kid--I got a new master now. :''[The Genie places the palace on top of a mountain]'' :'''Sultan''': Jafar, I order you to stop! :'''Jafar''': Ah, but there's a new order now--my order! Finally, you will bow to me! :''[The Sultan bows, but Jasmine does not]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': We'll never bow to you! :'''Iago''': Why am I not surprised? :'''Jafar''': If you will not bow before a sultan, then you will cower before a sorcerer! ''[to Genie]'' Genie, my second wish--I wish to be the most powerful sorcerer in the world! :''[Genie extends his finger. Aladdin tries to stop him, but he cannot, and another Genie (tm) brand lightning bolt strikes Jafar, returning him to his normal look]'' :'''Iago''': Ladies and gentlemen, a warm Agrabah welcome for Sorcerer Jafar! :'''Jafar''': Now where were we? Ah, yes--abject humiliation! :''[Jafar zaps Jasmine and the Sultan with his staff, and they both bow to him. Rajah comes running at him. He zaps Rajah, and the tiger turns into a kitty-cat]'' :'''Jafar''': Down, boy! Oh, princess. ''[lifts her chin with his staff]'' There's someone I'm dying to introduce you to. :'''Aladdin''': ''[off-camera]'' Jafar! Get your hands off her! :''[Jafar zaps Aladdin. Carpet flies away]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[singing]'' Prince Ali / Yes, it is he / But not as you know him / Read my lips / And come to grips / With reality / Yes, meet a blast from your past / Whose lies were too good to last / Say hello to your precious Prince Ali. :'''Iago''': Or should we say Aladdin? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Ali? :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I tried to tell you. :'''Jafar''': ''[singing]'' So Ali / Turns out to be / Merely Aladdin / Just a con / Need I go on? / Take it from me / His personality flaws / Give me adequate cause / To send him packing on a one-way trip / So his prospects take a terminal dip / His assets frozen / The venue chosen / It's the ends of the earth, whoopee / So long... :'''Iago''': Goodbye, see ya! :'''Jafar''': ''[singing]'' ...ex-Prince Ali... ''[laughs]'' :''[Jafar has zapped Abu back to normal. He sends the two of them into a tall pillar, then launches it like a rocket, but not before Carpet can get in. Fade to black, then open on to a snowy wasteland, where the pillar crashes and rolls. It finally comes to a stop. Aladdin emerges, obviously very cold]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu? ''[echoing]'' Abu! ''[He turns back to the shivering pile of snow]'' Oh, this is all my fault. I-I should have freed the genie when I had the chance! :''[Aladdin digs out Abu and cradling him inside the vest]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, are you okay? :'''Abu''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Aladdin''': I'm sorry, Abu--I made a mess of everything, somehow. I gotta go back and set things right. :''[Aladdin steps out through the snow, and he eventually steps on a frozen Carpet]'' :'''Aladdin''': Carpet! :''[Aladdin looks up and sees Carpet is pinned by the pillar. Aladdin tugs to try and free Carpet. He can't do it, so he begins to remove snow from the base of the pillar]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, start digging! That's it! :''[Finally, enough snow has been removed, and the pillar begins to roll. Aladdin runs away, looks back, then slides into place. The pillar rolls over him, and when it is gone, Aladdin and Abu are left sitting in the patch of snow made by the window of the pillar]'' :'''Aladdin''': Yeah! All right! :''[Aladdin looks up at his turban, made out of scared Abu. Carpet shakes off the snow and runs over to pick them up]'' :'''Aladdin''': Now, back to Agrabah! Let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; Outside the Agrabah, shrouded in red clouds. Inside the throne room, Iago has the Sultan, dressed in jester's clothes, and Jasmine is chained next to the throne]'' :'''Iago''': Puppet ruler want a cracker? Here's your cracker. Shove 'em all the way down your throat. Here, have lots! :''[Jafar pulls the chain, and Jasmine walks up to him holding an apple]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Stop it! Jafar, leave him alone! :''[Iago stops for a second, then continues]'' :'''Jafar''': It pains me to see you reduced to this, Jasmine. ''[he takes a bite out of the apple she is holding]'' A beautiful desert bloom such as yourself should be on the arm of the most powerful man in the world. ''[he waves his finger and a crown appears]'' What do you say, my dear? Why, with you as my queen... :''[Jasmine picks up a glass of wine and throws it in his face]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Never! :'''Jafar''': I'll teach you some respect! ''[she falls back as he raises his hand to slap her, ten he stops]'' No. Genie, I have decided to make my final wish. I wish for Princess Jasmine to fall desperately in love with me. :''[We see Aladdin race back into town]'' :'''Genie''': ''[again as Buckley]'' Ah, master, there are a few addendas, some quid pro quos... :'''Jafar''': ''[whirls on him]'' Don't talk back to me, you big blue lout! :''[Jasmine looks up and sees Aladdin, peering around a window, Abu and the Carpet at his play along]'' :'''Jafar''': You will do what I order you to do, slave! :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[stands and puts the crown on her head]'' Jafar! I never realized how incredibly handsome you are. :''[The Genie's jaw drops]'' :'''Jafar''': Mmm. That's better. ''[pulls the Genie's jaw up like a shade]'' Now, pussycat, tell me more about...myself. :'''Princess Jasmine''': You're tall, dark, well dressed... :''[Jafar walks over to her. Aladdin jumps down with Abu and Genie sees them]'' :'''Genie''': Al! Al, little buddy! :'''Aladdin''': Shh! :'''Genie''': ''[literally zips his mouth shut, then unzips it]'' Al, I can't help you--I work for senor psychopath, now. ''[his head turns into Jafar's, then back]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Aladdin''': Hey--I'm a street rat, remember? ''[he rezips Genie's mouth]'' I'll improvise. :''[Aladdin slides down a pile of coins and hides close to Jafar and Jasmine. Jafar's back is to Aladdin]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Cute little gaps between your teeth. :'''Jafar''': Go on. :'''Princess Jasmine''': And your beard...is so...twisted! You've stolen my heart. :''[Jasmine has handsome arms around him. Jasmine pretends to twist with her finger, but she is actually motioned for Aladdin to come over, he makes his move. Iago sees him]'' :'''Iago''': Jaf--mmmmmm! :''[Abu grabs him and covers his mouth]'' :'''Jafar''': And the street rat? :'''Princess Jasmine''': What street rat? :''[When Iago manages to knock over a bowl. Jafar turns to look, but Jasmine grabs him back and kisses him. He looks disgusted. Iago and Abu both look disgusted]'' :'''Abu''': Yuck! :'''Jafar''': That was... ''[sees Aladdin's reflection in Jasmine's crown]'' <big>'''''YOU!'''''</big> ''[He zaps Aladdin just as he is about to reach his respective lamp. Genie watches in shock]'' How many times do I have to kill you, boy? :''[Jasmine rushes him, and he angrily throws her to the ground. Aladdin bravely rushes toward him and heroically grabs his staff]'' :'''Aladdin''': Get the lamp! :'''Jafar''': No! ''[Jasmine runs to do so, but Jafar shakes off Aladdin, but evilly zaps her into an hourglass]'' Ah, ah, ah, princess. Your time is up! :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine! :''[Sand begins to flow from the top onto her, and she immediately realizes what will happen]'' :'''Iago''': Oh, nice shot, Jaf– :''[Abu angrily knocks Iago out with the fruit bowl that fell earlier and rushes for the lamp]'' :'''Jafar''': Don't toy with me! :''[Abu is almost to the lamp, but the blast from Jafar's staff turns him into a toy monkey, with cymbals and a wind-up key]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu! :''[Carpet rushes in and grabs the lamp as he flies side-by-side, but Jafar zaps him as well]'' :'''Jafar''': Things are unraveling fast now, boy! ''[Carpet unravels in midair, ending up as a pile of tangled threads and tassels. The lamp bounces away and lands in front of Aladdin]'' Get the point? ''[Aladdin runs for the lamp, but his path is blocked by a ring of large swords sticking in the floor. Aladdin reaches for his lamp, but the opening is too narrow for him to get far enough, and Jafar evilly grabs it]'' I'm just getting warmed up! ''[evilly breathes fire around Aladdin, setting the ring on fire. The street rat, however, yet stands his ground]'' :'''Aladdin''': <big>'''''ARE YOU AFRAID TO FIGHT ME YOURSELF, YOU COWARDLY SNAKE?!'''''</big> :'''Jafar''': ''[emerges through the fire, suddenly getting an idea from Aladdin's statements]'' A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how snake-like I can be! :''[He transformation into a snake, and the ring of fire around Aladdin becomes part of the snake encircling Aladdin. From inside the hourglass, Jasmine watches Jafar's transformation in shock. Meanwhile, Snake Jafar snaps at Aladdin twice, and on the third try, Aladdin swings the sword and hits Jafar. The giant snake yells in pain. Cut to four Genies as cheerleaders wearing "A" sweaters]'' :'''Genie''': ''[in unison]'' Rickem, rockem, rackem, rake--stick that sword into that snake! :'''Jafar''': ''[to Genie angrily]'' You stay out of this-s-s-s! :''[The Genies merge back into one and he waves a pennant, not wishing to root for his evil current master]'' :'''Genie''': ''[dryly]'' Jafar, Jafar, he's our man--if he can't do it, <big>'''''GREAT!!!'''''</big> :''[Meanwhile, Aladdin uses the distraction from his genie to make a break for the hourglass where Jasmine is trapped. However, Jafar sees this and blocks the path. Aladdin is thrown off, and loses his sword. He hears a shout from Jasmine]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Aladdin! :''[Aladdin turns to see Jasmine already knee-deep in sand. He bravely jumps on a large gem and heroically slides across the floor, bravely grabbing his sword along the road. He turns a corner, but the pursuing snake cannot, and the front half of Jafar smashes through a wall and hangs outside the palace. Aladdin bravely jumps up on the snake's back and heroically stabs him hard. Jafar shrieks in agony. Cut to Aladdin, who is once again trying to free Jasmine. At this point, she is now neck-deep in sand, and sinking fast]'' :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, hang on! :''[He is about to hit the glass with a piece of wood he caught earlier until Jafar grabs him]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[laughs hideously]'' You little fool! You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth? :'''Iago''': ''[with Genie coming up behind him]'' Squeeze him, Jafar! Squeeze him like a--awk! ''[Genie elbows him out of the road, all the while trying to look innocent]'' :'''Jafar''': Without the Genie, boy, you're nothing! ''[Aladdin suddenly glances down at Genie, who shrugs his shoulders, not knowing what to do either]'' :'''Aladdin''': The Genie? ''[has an idea]'' The Genie! <big>'''''THE GENIE HAS MORE POWER THAN YOU'LL EVER HAVE!'''''</big> :'''Jafar''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Aladdin''': <big>'''''HE GAVE YOU YOUR POWER! HE CAN TAKE IT AWAY!'''''</big> :'''Genie''': ''[concerned]'' Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this? :'''Aladdin''': <big>'''''FACE IT, JAFAR, YOU'RE STILL JUST...SECOND-BEST!'''''</big> ''[Jafar thinks for a moment, and realizes Aladdin's right. Genie's "phenomenal cosmic powers" far surpass his, meaning that he yet can't call himself the most powerful being as he thought]'' :'''Jafar''': You're right, his power does exceed my own. But not for long! ''[Jafar circles around the Genie, aiming to rectify the power discrepancy between him]'' :'''Genie''': ''[hesitantly]'' The boy's crazy. He's a little punch-drunk. ''[turns his hand into a cobra puppet and beats himself with it]'' One too many hits with the snake. :'''Jafar''': ''[imperatively]'' Slave, I make my third wish!! I wish to be an all-powerful Genie! ''[Aladdin looks down at Genie from Jafar's coils, and Jasmine, who is now almost buried in sand, looks toward her captor as well. Then Genie sighs in defeat, knowing he has no choice but to comply with Jafar's request]'' :'''Genie''': ''[reluctantly]'' Alright, your wish is my command. Way to go, Al. :''[Genie zaps Jafar with the last Genie-brand lightning bolt. Jafar's snake form dissipates, freeing Aladdin and he begins his transformation into a Genie. One shies from using the word "orgasmic" in a [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Disney]] animated feature script]'' :'''Jafar''': Yes! Yes! The power! The absolute power! :''[At this point, all that remains of Jasmine before she disappears under the sand is her raised hand. Thankfully, Aladdin runs over and eventually smashes the glass. The sand, along with Jasmine pours out, and she coughs a bit. Jafar rises out of the palace and towards outer space like '''[[w:Star Wars (film)|Star Wars]]''', getting larger as his power grows. Down below, the wind blows fiercely to signal what's to follow]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[to Aladdin frightfully]'' What have you done?! :'''Aladdin''': Trust me! :''[Suddenly, a black lamp, similar to that of Genie's, appears at Jafar's base, though he is too busy manipulating the stars and planets like to notice at]'' :'''Jafar''': The universe is mine to command, to control! :'''Aladdin''': <big>'''''NOT SO FAST, JAFAR! AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?'''''</big> :''[Jafar looks down at him questioningly, confused as to what the street rat is speaking about]'' :'''Jafar''': Huh? :'''Aladdin''': <big><big>'''''YOU WANTED TO BE A GENIE, YOU'VE GOT IT!'''''</big></big> :'''Jafar''': ''[shocked]'' <big>'''''WHAT?!'''''</big> :'''Aladdin''': ''[back to normal]'' <big><big><big>'''''AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES WITH IT!'''''</big></big></big> :''[Aladdin holds up the black lamp, and it begins to suck Jafar in. He tries to escape, but its power is too strong]'' :'''Jafar''': '''''NO! NO!!''''' :'''Iago''': I'm gettin' outta here! :'''Aladdin''': <big><big><big>'''''Phenomenal cosmic powers!'''''</big></big></big> :'''Jafar''': <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOO!!!!'''''</big> :''[Iago tries to fly off, but Jafar grabs him, and he gets sucked in as well]'' :'''Iago''': Come on, you're the genie, I don't want-- :''[With one final clank, Jafar and Iago are sucked inside his lamp, and that is the last we see of them]'' :'''Aladdin''': Itty-bitty living space. :'''Genie''': ''[ruffles Aladdin's hair]'' Al, you little genius, you! :''[As a result of being trapped in his lamp, all of Jafar's magic undoes itself. First, Abu turns back into a real monkey and Carpet re-ravels himself. Next, Jasmine, the Sultan and Rajah stand together, and the tiger jumps up into the Sultan's arms. Just then, they are all transformed back into their regular clothes, and Rajah, now an adult tiger again, almost crushes him. Eventually, the palace reappears back in the ciy from where it was taken. Aladdin holds Jafar's lamp as he and Iago start arguing]'' :'''Jafar''': Get your blasted beak out of my face! :'''Iago''': Oh, shut up, you moron! :'''Jafar''': Don't tell me to shut up! :'''Genie''': Allow me. Ten thousand years in the Cave of Wonders oughtta chill him out. ''[flicks the lamp explosion into the desert]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[last words]'' Shut up! :''[Jafar and Iago continue to argue as they fade out. Jasmine walks over to Aladdin. They hold hands, but both look sad]'' :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I'm sorry I lied to you about being a prince. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I know why you did. :'''Aladdin''': Well, I guess this is goodbye. ''[Genie pokes his head around the corner shocked at what he is hearing]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, that stupid law. This isn't fair. I love you. :'''Genie''': ''[wipes away a tear]'' Al, no problem. You still got one wish left. Just say the word and you're a prince again. :'''Aladdin''': But what about your freedom? :'''Genie''': Hey, it's only an eternity of servitude. This is love. ''[he leans down next to her]'' Al, you're not gonna find another girl like her in a million years. Believe me, I know. I've looked. :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I do love you. But I gotta stop pretending to be something I'm not. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I understand. :''[They take one final look into each other's eyes, then Aladdin turns to the Genie]'' :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I wish for your freedom. :'''Genie''': One prince pedigree coming up. I... What? :'''Aladdin''': ''[he holds the lamp up to Genie]'' Genie, you're free. :''[A transformation scene ensues, in which the shackles fall off Genie's wrists and the lamp falls uselessly to the ground. Genie picks it up and looks at it]'' :'''Genie''': ''[he can't believe it; laughing]'' I'm free. I'm free. ''[he hands the lamp to Aladdin]'' Quick, quick, wish for something outrageous. Say, "I want the [[Nile]]." Wish for the Nile. Try that. :'''Aladdin''': Uh, I wish for the Nile. :'''Genie''': No way. ''[laughs hysterically. He bounces around the balcony like a pinball]'' Oh, does that feel good! I'm free. I'm free at last. I'm hittin’ the road. I'm off to see the world. I'm... :''[He is packing a suitcase, but looks down and sees Aladdin looking very sad]'' :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I'm... I'm gonna miss you. :'''Genie''': ''[smiling, with a tear in his eye]'' Me too, Al. No matter what anybody says, you'll always be a prince to me. :''[They hug. The Sultan steps forward]'' :'''Sultan''': That's right. You've certainly proven your worth as far as I'm concerned. It's that law that's the problem. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Father? :'''Sultan''': Well, am I sultan or am I sultan? From this day forth, the princess shall marry whoever she deems worthy. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[she smiles widely and runs into Aladdin's arms]'' Him. I choose... I choose you, Aladdin. :'''Aladdin''': ''[laughs]'' Call me Al. :''[They are about to kiss when giant blue hands pull everybody together. Genie is decked out in a [[w:Hawaiian shirt|Hawaiian shirt]] with golf clubs and a [[Goofy]] hat]'' :'''Genie''': All of you, come over here. Big group hug. Do you mind if I kiss the monkey? ''[he kisses Abu]'' Ooh, hairball. Well, I can't do any more damage around this popsicle stand. ''[takes off]'' I'm outta here! Bye-bye, you two crazy lovebirds! Hey, Rugman, Ciao, I'm history. No, I'm mythology. I don't care what I am! I'm free-hee! :''[The Genie flies up into the blue sky leaving a trail of sparkles behind him. They cut (a jump cut to make matters worse) to fireworks exploding over a nightscape. We tilt down and see Aladdin and Jasmine flying on Carpet]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' A whole new world. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A whole new life. :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ''[with off-camera chorus]'' For you and me! :'''Chorus''': A whole new world! :''[They fly off into the moonlight, and after they have disappeared, the moon turns and reveals the Genie's laughing face. Suddenly the film is grabbed "off the projector", the Genie lifts it up and looks at the audience]'' :'''Genie''': Made you look. :''[Drops the film back to normal, in a normal moon. During the credits, "Friend Like Me" song is instrumental version]'' ===PEABO BRYSON & REGINA BELLE lyrics (A Whole New World)=== :'''Peabo Bryson''': I can show you the world / Shining, shimmering, splendid / Tell me, princess, now when did / You last let your heart decide?| I can open your eyes / Take you wonder by wonder / Over, sideways and under / On a magic carpet ride...| A whole new world / A new fantastic point of view / No one to tell us no / Or where to go / Or say we're only dreaming. :'''Regina Belle''': A whole new world / A dazzling place I never knew / But now from way up here / It's crystal clear / That now I'm in a whole new world with you...| Unbelievable sights / Indescribable feeling / Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling...| Through an endless diamond sky / A whole new world. :'''Peabo Bryson''': Don't you dare close your eyes. :'''Regina Belle''': A hundred thousand things to see. :'''Peabo Bryson''': Hold your breath, it gets better. :'''Regina Belle''': I'm like a shooting star / I've come so far / I can't go back to where I used to be :'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world. :'''Regina Belle''': With new horizons to pursue. :'''Peabo Bryson''': I'll chase them anywhere / There's time to spare / Let me share this whole new world with you. :'''Regina Belle''': A whole new world. :'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world / A new fantastic point of view / No one to tell us no / Or where to go. :'''Regina Belle''': Or say we're only dreaming. :'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world. :'''Regina Belle''': Every turn a surprise. :'''Peabo Bryson''': With new horizons to pursue / Every moment red-letter. :'''Regina Belle''': I'll chase them anywhere. :'''Peabo Bryson''': There's time to spare. :'''Regina Belle''': Anywhere. :'''Peabo Bryson''': There's time to spare. :'''Regina Belle''': Let me share this whole new world with you, you / A whole new world. :'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world. :'''Regina Belle''': That's where we'll be. :'''Peabo Bryson''': Where we will be. :'''Regina Belle''': A thrilling chase. :'''Peabo Bryson''': A wondrous place / For you and me...|''[chorus singing]'' :'''Genie''': ''(post credits, special edition only:)'' You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos! == Taglines == * Imagine if you had three wishes, three hopes, three dreams, and they all could come true. * It is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. * A diamond in the rough. == Cast == * [[w:Scott Weinger|Scott Weinger]] - Aladdin ** [[w:Brad Kane|Brad Kane]] (singing voice) * [[Robin Williams]] - The Genie/The Peddler ** [[w:Bruce Adler|Bruce Adler]] (singing voice of Peddler) * [[w:Jonathan Freeman (actor)|Jonathan Freeman]] - Jafar * [[w:Linda Larkin|Linda Larkin]] - Princess Jasmine ** [[w:Lea Salonga|Lea Salonga]] (singing voice) * [[Frank Welker]] - Abu/Rajah/Cave of Wonders * [[w:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]] - Iago * [[w:Douglas Seale|Douglas Seale]] - Sultan * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Razoul/Farouk * [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Prince Achmed/Necklace Merchant/Fish Merchant/Camel/Sheep * [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] - Gazeem/Melon Merchant/Nut Merchant * Carole Jeghers - Gazeem's horse * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Royal Guards == About ''Aladdin'' == * The supporting characters are all depicted as nasty mean, people. While the Aladdin character, Jasmine and her father speak unaccented, standard Americanized English all the bad guys speak in foreign accents. The lesson is that anyone with a foreign accent is bad. This is horrendous racism. ** [[w:Don Bustany|Don Bustany]], president of L.A. chapter of the [[w:American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee|American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee]], [http://articles.latimes.com/1993-07-10/entertainment/ca-11747_1_altered-lyric "Disney Will Alter Song in 'Aladdin' : Movies: Changes were agreed upon after Arab-Americans complained that some lyrics were racist. Some Arab groups are not satisfied."], quoted by David J. Fox, ''Los Angeles Times'', (1993-07-10). * I saw something that speculates that the peddler at the beginning of 'Aladdin' is the Genie. That's true!" :* [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/aladdin-directors-actually-confirm-crazy-fan-theory_5620fab6e4b08d94253eb6f7 "Aladdin Directors Actually Confirm Crazy Fan Theory"], interviewed by Bill Bradley, ''Huffington Post'', (10/16/2015). * One of the things [directors] Ron [Clements], John [Musker], and I were talking about was that, originally, when he came in to the first session, he said, “Do you want me to do kind of an ethnic voice for the Genie?” And we said, “No, no, just be yourself.” And we realized later that “being yourself” for Robin Williams is like being 98 different characters at once. [Laughs]. :* [[w:Eric Goldberg|Eric Goldberg]] [http://moviemezzanine.com/interview-eric-goldberg-of-aladdin/ "Interview Eric Goldberg of Aladdin"], interviewed by ''Movie Mezzanine'', (Oct 12, 2015). ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aladdin (1992 Disney film)}} {{commonscat|Aladdin (1992 film)}} * {{Official website|http://movies.disney.com/aladdin}} * {{IMDb title|0103639|Aladdin}} * {{Allmovie title|1338|Aladdin}} * {{mojo title|aladdin|Aladdin}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|1042582|Aladdin}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1992 animated films]] [[Category:1992 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Disney's Aladdin]] [[Category:Middle Eastern mythology]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Animated films set in the Middle East]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:American fantasy comedy films]] [[Category:American romantic fantasy films]] kuurpoqrhp0rrpbzm513m5krx6bbq20 3944652 3944645 2026-05-23T23:47:00Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944652 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Aladdin-logo-2.svg|thumb|Title card]] '''''[[w:Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992]] American [[w:Disney|Disney]] animated film which relates a version of the story of Aladdin and the magic lamp from The Book of [[One Thousand and One Nights]]. The film spawned a series of sequels and spin-offs, including '''''[[The Return of Jafar]]''''', '''''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]''''', and so on, as well as a television series called, '''''[[w:Aladdin: The Series|Aladdin: The Series]]''''', and a [[Aladdin (2019 film)|live-action remake of the film]]. :''Directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]]. Written by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]], [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [[w:Ted Elliott (screenwriter)|Ted Elliott]], [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], based on "[[Aladdin|Aladdin and the Magic Lamp]]" from ''[[One Thousand and One Nights]]'', and based on Arabian mythology.'' :''Music by [[Alan Menken]]'' and includes "[[w:A Whole New World|A Whole New World]]". Written by [[Tim Rice]] and performed by [[w:Peabo Bryson|Peabo Bryson]] and [[w:Regina Belle|Regina Belle]]. {{center|'''(Imagine if you had three wishes, three hopes, three dreams, and they all would come true.)''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Aladdin == * ''[chased by Razoul and his guards]'' All this for a loaf of [[bread]]? * I'm not worthiness. And I don't have fleas. ''[sighs]'' Come on, Abu. Let's go home. * ''[looks out at the window to see the Sultan's palace]'' Someday, Abu, things are gonna change. We'll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all. * ''[followed by Jasmine when she's going home with Aladdin and Abu]'' Almost there. * ''[picks up the lamp from the light]'' This is it? This is what we came all the way down here to... ''[Abu runs and grabs the forbidden treasure]'' ABU, NOOOOO!!!!! * Abu, this is no time to panic! ''[gasps and sees a cliff]'' Start panicking! * ''[to Genie, regretfully]'' Genie, I can't keep this up on my own. I...I can't wish you free. * ''[facing Jafar]'' Are you afraid to fight me yourself, you cowardly snake?! == Princess Jasmine == * ''[to Abu, when feigning insanity]'' Oh, wise Sultan! How may I serve you? * ''[to Aladdin]'' I'm a fast learner. * ''[to Aladdin as Prince Ali]'' Just go, I mean, jump off the balcony! * I am not a prize to be won! * It's all my fault, Rajah. I didn't even know his name. == Iago == * ''[on Jafar who's laughing his head off hysterically]'' Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's goin' nuts! Jafar! ''[pounds on Jafar's turban]'' Jafar! '''GET A GRIP!!!''' ''[Jafar grabs him toughly around the throat which causes his head's blood circulation]'' Good grip. * ''[going as a flamingo, turns around and finds a real flamingo smiling in his face]'' Ya got a problem... ''[hits the flamingo with his right stilt, and the flamingo falls into the water]'' Pinky?! Jerk. ''[laughs maniacally, removes his flamingo disguise, sneaks into the palace, and gets the lamp]'' Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you! ''[mimics Jafar]'' Excellent work, Iago! ''[in his normal voice]'' Aw, go on! ''[as Jafar]'' No, really. I mean, dead seriously. On a scale of 1 to 10, you are an 11. ''[in his normal voice]'' Oh, Jafar, you're too kind. ''[flies away with the lamp]'' I'm embarrassed. I'm blushing. * ''[to the Sultan while shoves many crackers into his mouth as his serious payback]'' Puppet ruler want a cracker?! == The Genie == * ''[after coming out of his lamp]'' Oy! ''[feels a pain in his neck]'' 10,000 years will give you such a crick in the neck! * ''[stomps his foot in front of them, angry and losing patience]'' Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me?! I don't think so! ''NOT'' right now! YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR WISHES, SO '''''<big>SIT DOWN!!</big>''''' * ''[after transforming Aladdin into a prince]'' He's got the outfit. He's got the elephant. But we're not through yet! Hang on to your turban, kid! We're gonna make you a star! * ''[as a cheerleader begrudgingly waving a small white flag]'' Jafar, Jafar, he's our man, if he can't do it, ''[screaming bloody murder]'' <big>'''GREAT!!!!'''</big> * Allow me, ten thousand years in the Cave of Wonders ought to chill him out! ''[flicks the lamp to the desert]'' * ''[to the audience when he pushes up a "The End" scene to a blank white one]'' Made you look. * ''[post credits scene; last lines]'' You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world! Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos! == Jafar == * ''[eyes the giant tiger head rising from the sand]'' At last, after all my years of searching, the Cave of Wonders. * ''[after the cave closes; he chuckles and rips off the old man mask searching the disguise for the lamp]'' It's mine. It's all mine. I-- Where is it? No! '''''<big>NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!</big>''''' * ''[after Aladdin has returned with Abu and Carpet]'' That was... '''''<big>YOU!!</big>''''' How many times do I have to kill you, boy?! * I think that it's time to say goodbye to Prince A-Boo-Boo. == The Sultan == * Oh, Prince Achmed. You're, you're not leaving so soon, are you? * Oh, Jasmine. Jasmine. Jasmine. Confound it, Rajah. So this is why Prince Achmed stormed out. == Razoul == * ''[first words]'' I'll have your hands for a trophy, street rat. * You idiots! We all got swords! * ''[last words]'' I would, Princess. Except my orders come from Jafar. You'll have to take it up with him. == Cave of Wonders == * ''[repeated line]'' Who disturbs my slumber? * Know this. Only one may enter here, one whose worth lies far within. A diamond in the rough. * Seek thee out...the diamond...the diamond in the rough. ''[echoes]'' * Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp. * '''</big>INFIDELS! YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE FORBIDDEN TREASURE! NOW YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN SEE THE LIGHT OF DAAAAAY!!!!!!</big>''' == The Peddler == * ''[singing]'' Oh I come from a land from a faraway place / Where the caravan camels roam / Where it's flat and immense and the heat is intense (soundtrack version: Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face) / It's barbaric, but hey...it's home! / When the wind's from the east / And the sun's from the west / And the sand in the glass is right / Come on down, stop on by / Hop a carpet and fly / To another Arabian night! / Arabian nights / Like Arabian days / More often than not / Are hotter than hot / In a lot of good ways / Arabian nights / 'Neath Arabian moons / A fool off his guard / Could fall-and-fall hard / Out there on the dunes. ''[first lines]'' Ah, salaam and good evening to you worthy friend. Please, please, come closer... ''[camera pushes in on his face squishing it]'' Ah uh, too close, a little too close. ''[Camera pulls out]'' There. Welcome to Agrabah. City of mystery, of enchantment, ''[pulls a bag off of the camel and unrolls it to reveal a merchant's stand]'' and the finest merchandise this side of the river Jordan, on sale today, come on down! ''[chuckles]'' Look at this! Yes! Combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes Julienne fries. Will not break, will not... ''[breaks apart]'' it broke. ''[toss it away]'' Ooh! Look at this! I have never seen one of these intact before. This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen. ''[lifts cover slightly and blows a raspberry]'' Ah, still good. ''[the camera pans to the right]'' Wait, don't go! I can see that you're only interested in the exceptionally rare. I think then, you would be most rewarded to consider...this. ''[pulls out an oil lamp]'' Do not be fooled by its commonplace appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life. A young man who liked this lamp was more than what he seemed: a diamond in the rough. Perhaps you would like to hear the tale? ''[pours sand from the lamp into his hand, and throws it into the air which form into stars which transition into the next scene]'' It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits, with a dark purpose. == Others == * '''Gazeem''': ''[last words]'' Uh, it is I, Gazeem, a humble thief. * '''Portly Agrabah Woman''': I'd blame parents, except he hasn't got 'em. * '''Guard''': He's got a sword! == Dialogue == :''[First lines; The movie begins with the song Arabian Nights, sung over scenes of the desert and the city of Agrabah, in all its exotic splendor]'' :'''Peddler''': ''[singing]'' Oh I come from a land, from a faraway place / Where the caravan camels roam / Where it's flat and immense / And the heat is intense (soundtrack version: Where they cut off your ear / If they don't like your face) / It's barbaric, but hey, it's home...| When the wind's from the east / And the sun's from the west / And the sand in the glass is right / Come on down / Stop on by / Hop a carpet and fly / To another Arabian night...| Arabian nights / Like Arabian days / More often than not / Are hotter than hot / In a lot of good ways...| Arabian nights / 'Neath Arabian moons / A fool of his guard / Could fall and fall hard / Out there on the dunes...| ''[speaking]'' Ah, salaam and good evening to you, my worthy friend. Please, please come closer. ''[the camera zooms in]'' Ah uh, too close, a little to close... ''[the camera pulls back]'' There. Welcome to Agrabah, city of mystery, of enchantment, ''[pulls a bag off of the camel and unrolls it to reveal a merchant's stand]'' and the finest merchandise this side of the River Jordan, on sale today! Come on down. ''[chuckles]'' Look at this, yes, he he, combination hookah and coffee maker, also makes julienne fries! It will not break! It will not... ''[breaks apart]'' It broke. ''[toss it away]'' Oh, look at this, I have never seen one of these intact before...This is the famous Dead Sea Tupperware. Listen, ''[lifts cover slightly and blows a raspberry]'' ah, still good. Ha ha. ''[the camera pans to the right]'' Wait, don't go! I can see that you are only interested in the exceptionally rare. I think, then, you will be most rewarded to consider this. ''[pulls out an oil lamp]'' Do not be fooled by its common-place appearance. Like so many things, it is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. This is no ordinary lamp! It once changed the course of a young man's life. A young man, who like this lamp, was more than what he seemed...A diamond in the rough. Perhaps you will like to hear the tale? ''[pours sand from the lamp into his hand, and throws it into the air which form into stars which transition into the next scene]'' It begins on a dark night, where a dark man waits, with a dark purpose. :''[Camera tilts down to find Jafar sitting on his horse and Iago on his shoulder as Gazeem comes riding up to the pair]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[first words]'' You... are late. :'''Gazeem''': ''[first words]'' A thousand apologies O Patient One. :'''Jafar''': You have it, then? :'''Gazeem''': I had to slit a few throats, but I got it. ''[pulls the scarab piece back]'' Ah-ah! The treasure! ''[Iago flies over and swipes the piece]'' Ouch! :''[Iago rips the scarab from Gazeem's fingers and drops it into Jafar's hand]'' :'''Jafar''': Trust me my pungent friend. You'll get what's coming to you. :'''Iago''': What's coming to you! Awk! :''[Jafar pulls out the second half of the medallion. Gazeem shocked before Jafar reaches and the scarab halves begins to glow. Finally, the scarab glows, then flies out of Jafar's hand, scaring the horses, and is off towards the dunes]'' :'''Jafar''': Quickly, follow the trail! ''[On horseback, the trio chase the medallion across the moonlit desert]'' <big>'''FASTER!'''</big> :''[The creature splits in two, each half lodging into a sand dune. A towering tiger head rises from the dune. The pieces of the scarab from its glowing eyes, the three villains' horses rear on their hind legs, throwing their riders off. Jafar grins as the tiger head with cow-like ears opens it cavernous mouth.]'' :'''Jafar''': At last! After all my years of searching...The Cave of Wonders! :'''Iago''': Awk! Cave of Wonders! :'''Gazeem''': By Allah! :'''Jafar''': ''[pushes Gazeem forward]'' Now...Remember! Bring me the lamp. The rest of the treasure is yours. But the lamp, is mine! :''[Gazeem steps forward into the tiger's mouth, which forms the entrance to the cave. He chuckles as he goes]'' :'''Iago''': Awk! The lamp! Awk! The lamp! ''[Now that Iago and Jafar are alone, Iago opens up in normal [[English language|English]]]'' Geez, where did ya dig this bozo up? :'''Jafar''': ''[points at the tiger head]'' Shh. :''[Gazeem sneaks into the tiger head and the cave echoes, looks at sand before now the staircase, Gazeem reaches the tiger's mouth, then the blows out and a deep voice speaks]'' :'''Cave of Wonders''': '''WHO DISTURBS MY SLUMBER?!''' :'''Gazeem''': ''[last words]'' Er...it is I, Gazeem, a humble thief. :'''Cave of Wonders''': '''KNOW THIS. ONLY ONE MAY ENTER HERE. ONE WHOSE WORTH LIES FAR WITHIN. A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH!''' :''[Gazeem looks back at Jafar and sneaks the tiger head opening apprehensively]'' :'''Jafar''': What are you waiting for? Go on! :''[Gazeem across the tiger's mouth, then the beast sighing, Gazeem reaches the slowly walk and sighs, he turns back but the tiger's mouth slams down]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[shielding himself from the flash]'' <big>'''Nooooooooo!!!!'''</big> :'''Cave of Wonders''': ''[From off-screen]'' '''SEEK THEE OUT,''' the diamond, the diamond in the rough. ''[echoes]'' :'''Iago''': ''[pops out sand and coughs]'' I can't believe it! I just don't believe it! We're never gonna get a hold of that stupid lamp! Just forget it! Look at this. Look at this. I'm so ticked off that I'm molting. ''[He flies up to Jafar's shoulder]'' :'''Jafar''': Patience, Iago, patience. Gazeem was obviously less than worthy. :'''Iago''': ''[extremely sarcastic]'' Oh, there's a big surprise. That's it, an incredib-- I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that surprise. What are we gonna do? We got a big problem, a big-- :'''Jafar''': ''[holds his beak shut]'' Yes. Only one may enter, I must find this one, this...diamond in the rough. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next day, on a rooftop, where Aladdin rushes up to the edge, carrying a loaf of bread. He skids to a stop at the edge of the building]'' :'''Guard''': Stop, thief! :''[Aladdin looks back at Razoul, a young man head, muscular handsome guard, tan turban, red and white yellow uniform shirt, tan pants and dark yellow shoes, he's the guards scramble toward him]'' :'''Razoul''': ''[first words]'' I'll have your hands for a trophy, street rat. :'''Aladdin''': ''[looks back, then down, then at the bread]'' All this for a loaf of bread? :''[Aladdin leaps off the roof, landing on two ropes strung between buildings, with drying clothes on them. He skies down them, collecting bits and pieces of clothing on him as he goes. Finally, he's nearing the end of the rope, at a window, when a woman reaches out and the shutters closed shut. Aladdin slams into the shutters and falls to the street, his fall being broken by numerous awnings and the pile of clothes around him. He pulls off the top layer of clothes and is about to enjoy his bread when]'' :'''Guard #1''': There he is! :'''Guard #2''': You won't get away so easy! :'''Aladdin''': You think that was easy? ''[looks at ladies laughing and looks at Razoul and his guards]'' :'''Razoul''': You two, over that way. And you, with me. We found him. :'''Aladdin''': Morning, ladies. :'''Woman''': Getting into trouble a little early today, aren't we Aladdin? :'''Aladdin''': Trouble? No way. You're only in trouble if you get caught... :'''Razoul''': ''[grabs Aladdin]'' Gotcha! :'''Aladdin''': I'm in trouble! :'''Razoul''': ...and this time. ''[Abu pulls down his turban]'' :'''Aladdin''': Perfect timing, Abu. As usual. :'''Abu''': Hello! :'''Aladdin''': Come on, let's get outta here! ''[singing]'' Gotta keep one jump ahead of the breadline / One swing ahead of the sword / I steal only what I can't afford...| ''[speaking]'' That's everything! ''[singing]'' One jump ahead of the lawmen / That's all, and that's no joke / These guys don't appreciate I'm broke. :'''Guard #1''': Riffraff! :'''Guard #2 and #3''': Street rat! :'''Guard #4''': Scoundrel! :'''Guard #5''': Take that! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Just a little snack, guys. :'''Guards''': Rip him open, take it back, guys. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' I can take a hint, gotta face the facts / You're my only friend, Abu. :'''Girls''': Who?| ''[singing]'' Oh, it's sad, Aladdin's hit the bottom / He's become a one-man rise in crime. :'''Portly Agrabah Woman''': I'd blame parents, except he hasn't got 'em. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat / Tell you all about it when I got the time / One jump ahead of the slowpokes / One skip ahead of my doom / Next time, gonna use a nom de plume. :'''Razoul''': There he is. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' One jump ahead of the hitmen / One hit ahead of the flock / I think I'll take a stroll around the block. :''[A man sleeping on a bed of nails, of course one extremely large guard jumps on him]'' :'''Guard''': Stop, thief! :'''Man''': Vandal! :'''Aladdin''': Abu! :'''Woman''': Scandal! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Let's not be too hasty. :'''Fat Lady''': Still, I think he's rather tasty. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Gotta eat to live, gotta steal to eat / Otherwise, we'd get along. :'''Guards''': Wrong! :'''Razoul''': Get him! :''[The guards chase Aladdin and Abu run across a flaming pit, followed by guards who hop up and down, screaming in pain as they cross the rocks. Aladdin and Abu pass a sword swallower, then Abu goes back, pulls the sword out of the swallower's mouth]'' :'''Guard''': He's got a sword! :'''Razoul''': We've all got swords! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' One jump ahead of the hoofbeats. :'''Guards''': Vandal! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' One hop ahead of the hump. :'''Guards''': Street rat! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' One trick ahead of disaster. :'''Guards''': Scoundrel! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' They're quick, but I'm much faster. :'''Guards''': Riffraff! :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Here goes, better throw my hand in / Wish me happy landin' / All I gotta do is jump! :''[The guards fall down and land in a street]'' :'''Guards''': Yuck! Oy! :''[Aladdin uses the carpet as a parachute and landing, Aladdin and Abu high-five each other]'' :'''Aladdin''': And now, esteemed effendi, we feast! All right! :''[Aladdin breaks the bread in two and gives half to Abu, who begins to eat. But Aladdin looks over and sees two young children rummaging through the garbage for food. The girl sees him, then drops her find and tries to hide. Aladdin looks at them, then the bread, then at Abu]'' :'''Abu''': Uh-oh! :''[Abu takes a big bite of his food, but Aladdin gets up and walks over to the children. The girl pulls her brother back]'' :'''Aladdin''': Here, go on...take it. :''[The children giggle with delight. Abu tries to swallow his bite, then looks guilty. He walks over to the children and offers his bread to them. In delight, they pet him on the head]'' :'''Abu''': Ah, don't. Huh? :''[Abu sees Aladdin walking into the daylight, where there is a parade going on. Aladdin peers over the shoulders of the villagers before see Prince Achmed rides on a horse]'' :'''Villager #1''': On his way to the palace, I suppose. :'''Villager #2''': Another suitor for the princess. :''[Aladdin is startled as the two children come running out from the alley. The boy runs out in front of Achmed's horse neighs]'' :'''Prince Achmed''': ''[first words]'' Out of my way, you filthy brat! ''[ropes whip]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, if I were as rich as you, I could afford some manners. :'''Prince Achmed''': ''[Aladdin throws a rope him]'' Oh, I teach you some manners! :''[He slaps Aladdin falls down on his mud and the citizens laugh]'' :'''Aladdin''': Look at that, Abu. It's not every day you see a horse with two rear ends! :''[Achmed stops and turns back to Aladdin]'' :'''Prince Achmed''': You are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you'll die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you. :''[Aladdin angrily rushes Achmed, but slam the doors to the palace shut on his face]'' :'''Aladdin''': I'm not worthless. And I don't have fleas. Come on, Abu. Let's go home. ''[singing]'' Riffraff, street rat / I don't buy that / If only they'd look closer / Would they see a poor boy? / No siree / They'd find out, there's so much more to me. ''[speaking]'' Someday, Abu. Things are gonna change. We'll be rich, live in a palace, and never have any problems at all. :''[The next morning, inside the Sultan's chamber, the door slam breaks the moment and Prince Achmed storms in, missing the part of his pants and underwear]'' :'''Prince Achmed''': I've never been so insulted! :'''Sultan''': ''[to Achmed]'' Oh, Achmed! You're not leaving so soon, are you? :'''Prince Achmed''': ''[last words]'' Good luck marrying her off! :'''Sultan''': ''[exasperated]'' Oh, Jasmine! Jasmine! Jasmine! :''[The Sultan angrily goes off into the garden looking for his daughter. He finds her, but is interrupted by Rajah, Jasmine's pet tiger growling, fur bristling protectively. Rajah has a piece of Achmed's undershorts in his mouth. The Sultan grabs the cloth and yanks it out of Rajah's mouth]'' :'''Sultan''': Confound it, Rajah! ''[angrily brandishes the piece of Achmed's clothing]'' So, this is why Prince Achmed stormed out! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, father. Rajah was just playing with him, weren't you Rajah? You were just playing with that overdressed, self-absorbed Prince Achmed, weren't you? ''[Sultan angry]'' Ahem... :'''Sultan''': You have got to stop rejecting every suitor who comes to call, dearest. The law says that you... :'''Princess Jasmine and Sultan''': ...must be married to a prince... :'''Sultan''': ...by your next birthday. :'''Princess Jasmine''': The law is wrong. :'''Sultan''': You've got only three more days! :'''Princess Jasmine''': I hate being forced into this, Father. I want it to be for love, if I do marry. :'''Sultan''': Not only is it this law, Jasmine. I'm not going to be around forever, and I just want to make sure you're provided for, taken care of. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Try to understand, please. I've never done a thing on my own. ''[Jasmine swirls her finger in a water of the pond, pets the fish]'' I've never had any real friends. ''[Rajah looks up at Jasmine and growls]'' Except you, Rajah. ''[Satisfied, Rajah goes back to sleep and Jasmine stands sill]'' I've never even been outside of the palace walls. :'''Sultan''': But, you're a princess, Jasmine. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[sighs in frustration]'' Then maybe I don't want to be a princess anymore. ''[She splashes the water]'' :'''Sultan''': Oooh! Allah forbid you should have any daughters! ''[Rajah looks up at Jasmine for a second. Jasmine goes to the dove cage and yanks open the door. The birds fly away into freedom. She looks up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the Sultan's chambers]'' :'''Sultan''': I don't know where she gets it from. Her mother wasn't nearly so picky. :''[A shadow falls over him. The Sultan looks up startled and sees Jafar]'' :'''Sultan''': Ooh, oh. Ah, Jafar, my most trusted advisor. I am in desperate need of your wisdom. :'''Jafar''': My life is but to serve you, my lord. ''[bows]'' :'''Sultan''': It's this suitor business, Jasmine refuses to choose a husband, I'm at my wit's-end. :'''Iago''': Awk, wit's-end. :'''Sultan''': Oh, ha ha. Have a cracker, pretty Polly! :''[The Sultan pulls a cracker out from his pocket. Iago looks terrified. Then the Sultan stuffs it in Iago's mouth. Iago grimaces as he tries to eat it. Jafar and the Sultan both laugh]'' :'''Jafar''': Your Majesty, certainly has a way with dumb animals. Now then, perhaps I can divine a solution to this thorny problem. :'''Sultan''': If anyone can help, it's you. :'''Jafar''': Ah, but it will require the use of the mystic blue diamond. :'''Sultan''': Uh, my ring? But it's been in the family for years. :'''Jafar''': It is necessary to find the princess a suitor. :''[Jafar says the word 'princess' with the accent on the second syllable, 'cess.' He turns his staff with a cobra head towards the Sultan. The eyes of the staff begin to glow. The room darkens, Jafar's voice slows down and deepens. The Sultan's eyes get a hypnotized look]'' :'''Jafar''': Don't worry. Everything will be fine. :'''Sultan''': Everything will be fine. :'''Jafar''': The diamond. :'''Sultan''': Here, Jafar, whatever you need will be fine. :''[The Sultan removes his ring and hands it to Jafar. The room returns to normal as Jafar pulls back the staff]'' :'''Jafar''': You are most gracious, my liege. Now run along and play with your little toys. :'''Sultan''': Yes, that'll be pretty good. :''[Jafar and Iago exit. We follow them. When they're out of the room, the parrot spits out the cracker]'' :'''Iago''': I can't take it anymore! If I gotta choke down on one more of those moldy, disgusting crackers. Bam! Whack! :''[Jafar pulls a rope, which reveals a hidden entrance to his chambers]'' :'''Jafar''': Calm yourself, Iago. :'''Iago''': Then I'd grab him around the head. Whack! Whack! :'''Jafar''': Soon, I will be sultan, not that addle-pated twit. :'''Iago''': And then I stuff the crackers down his throat! ''[laughs]'' :''[The pair pass through a door and slam it shut]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the midnight, in a gardens, a shadowy figure walks through. We see it is Jasmine in disguise. She reaches the palace wall, then begins to climb it. She is tugged from behind by Rajah]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, I'm sorry, Rajah. But I can't stay here and have my life lived for me. I'll miss you. Goodbye! :''[She disappears over the wall. The next morning, in the street Aladdin and Abu are up to their capers again. They are on top of the awning of a fruit stand]'' :'''Aladdin''': Okay, Abu, go! :''[Abu dips over the edge and looks at the merchant]'' :'''Fruit Merchant''': ''[to passing crowd]'' Try this, your taste buds will dance and sing. ''[Abu grabs a melon and hangs there, distracting his attention]'' Hey, get your paws off that. :'''Abu''': Blah blah blah! :'''Fruit Merchant''': Why, you! Get away from here, you filthy ape! :''[The merchant grabs the melon away from Abu. But in the foreground, Aladdin dips down and snatches another melon from the stand]'' :'''Abu''': Bye-bye! :''[He zings back up. The merchant takes the melon to the front, where he places it on top of a stack. He looks confused, like he has just done this]'' :'''Aladdin''': Nice going, Abu, breakfast is served. :''[Aladdin and Abu on the roof break open the melon and eat. We see Jasmine walking through the street]'' :'''Pot Merchant''': Pretty lady buy a pot, no finer pot in brass or silver. :'''Nut Merchant''': Sugar dates, sugar dates and figs! Sugar dates and pistachios! :'''Necklace Merchant''': Would the lady like a necklace, a pretty necklace for a pretty lady. :''[She is charmed by the action, but is startled by a fish thrust into her face]'' :'''Fish Merchant''': Fresh fish! We catch him you buy him! :'''Princess Jasmine''': I don't think so. :''[Jasmine backs away, but bumps into a fire eater, who is startled into swallowing his fire]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Excuse me. :''[Man gulps, then belches fire from his mouth. Jasmine is disgusted. He is pleased and taps his stomach. Aladdin sees her, and a strange look comes over his face]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': I'm really very sorry. :'''Aladdin''': ''[he's obviously deeply in love with her]'' Whoa! :''[Jasmine pulls the hood of her cloak over her head. Abu sees him and jumps up on his shoulder, waving his hand in front of Aladdin's face]'' :'''Abu''': Uh-oh, hello? Hello? :''[Princess Jasmine stops at Farouk's fruit stand and sees a young boy reaching for fruit; she picks up an apple and hands it to him]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': You must be hungry. Here you go. ''[the boy runs off]'' :'''Farouk''': ''[first words]'' You'd better be able to pay for that. :''[She turns around and a huge angry Farouk is right in her face]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Pay? :'''Farouk''': No one steals from my cart. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I'm sorry, sir. I don't have any money. :'''Farouk''': Thief! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Please. If you let me go to the palace, I can get some from the sultan. :'''Farouk''': Do you know what the penalty is for stealing?! :''[He grabs her hand and pins it down on the table, then raises his sword]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': No! No, please! :''[Aladdin stops Farouk]'' :'''Aladdin''': Thank you, kind sir. I'm so glad you found her. ''[to Princess Jasmine]'' I've been looking for you. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[quietly]'' What are you doing? :'''Aladdin''': ''[whispers back]'' Just play along. :'''Farouk''': You know this girl? :'''Aladdin''': Sadly, yes. She is my sister. She's a little crazy. ''[Aladdin twirls his finger around his ear; Jasmine scoffs in disbelief]'' :'''Farouk''': She said she knew the sultan. :'''Aladdin''': She thinks the monkey is the sultan. :''[Princess Jasmine, playing along, kneels and bows to Abu]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, wise Sultan, how may I serve you? :'''Abu''': Well,... ''[babbles royally]'' :'''Aladdin''': Tragic, isn't it? ''[leans forward, picking up another apple from the cart and hands it to Farouk as repayment]'' But no harm done. ''[walks over to Princess Jasmine]'' Now, come along, sis. Time to go see the doctor. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[to a camel standing nearby]'' Oh, hello, doctor. How are you? :'''Aladdin''': No, no, no, not that one. ''[to Abu, whose pockets are bulging]'' Come on, Sultan. :''[Abu bows to the crowd until nearly everything he picked up falls out]'' :'''Farouk''': ''[last words]'' Huh? What is it? ''[Abu picks up what he can carry, and the trio run off]'' Come back here, you little thieves! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Jafar's lair, Iago is running on a gear in a bizarre contraption. At the top of the contraption is a red storm brewing]'' :'''Iago''': ''[huffing and puffing]'' With all due respect, your rottenness, couldn't we just wait for a real storm? :'''Jafar''': Save your breath, Iago. Faster! :''[Jafar places the Sultan's diamond is set in a frame above a large hourglass]'' :'''Iago''': Yes, O Mighty Evil One. :''[Iago runs faster. A lightning bolt streaks through the ring, passing into an hourglass below. The sands begin to swirl]'' :'''Jafar''': Ah, sands of time - Reveal to me the one who could enter the cave. ''[The sand in top forms the Cave of Wonders, it falls through into a storm, but it shows Aladdin climbing up a ladder, followed by Jasmine who is covered in her cloak]'' Yes, yes! There he is. My diamond in the rough! :'''Iago''': That's him, that's the clown we've been waiting for? :''[Iago loses his footing and is sucked into the gears]'' :'''Jafar''': Let's have the guards extend him an invitation to the palace. Shall we? :''[Iago goes flying past and slams into the wall upside down]'' :'''Iago''': Swell. :''[Jafar laughs hideously, and the camera zooms in on Aladdin in the hourglass. Finally, in the palace with Aladdin climbs up of the ladder, followed by Jasmine]'' :'''Aladdin''': Almost there. :''[Jasmine climbs over a wall, but trips and falls into Aladdin's arms and stands up]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': I want to thank you for stopping that man. :'''Aladdin''': Ah, forget it. ''[he grabs a pole]'' So, uh, this is your first time in the marketplace? ''[gasps]'' :''[Aladdin pole vaults to the next building, leaves Jasmine behind]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Is it that obvious? :'''Aladdin''': Well, you do kind of stand out. ''[Aladdin stares at Jasmine. Jasmine returns the look. But Aladdin realises what he's doing, and returns to normal]'' I mean, eh, you don't seem to know how dangerous Agrabah can be. :''[Aladdin lays a plank between the buildings for her to walk over, but as Aladdin is leaned down, she vaults over his head. Aladdin looks back in surprise. Jasmine tosses the pole to him. Both Aladdin's and Abu's eyes bulge]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': I'm a fast learner. :'''Aladdin''': Hey. Come on, this way. :''[They go inside the roof of a building, dodges planks and beams as they go]'' :'''Aladdin''': Whoa. Watch your head there. Be careful. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Is this where you live? :'''Aladdin''': Yep. Just me and Abu. Come and get as we please. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Fabulous. :'''Aladdin''': Well, it's not much, ''[pulls back the curtain and exposes the palace]'' but it's got a great view. Palace looks pretty amazing, huh? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, that's wonderful. :'''Aladdin''': I wonder what it would be like to live there, to have servants and valets... :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, sure. People who tell you where to go and how to dress. :'''Aladdin''': That's better than here. Always scraping for food and ducking the guards. :'''Princess Jasmine''': You're not free to make your own choices. :'''Aladdin''': Sometimes you feel so... :'''Princess Jasmine''': You're just... :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ...trapped. :''[They look at each other, realizing that they're perfect for one another. But Aladdin then realizes where he is, and breaks the look. Aladdin takes the apple out of Abu's hand and rolls it down his arm into the hand of Jasmine]'' :'''Aladdin''': So, where are you from? :'''Princess Jasmine''': What does it matter? I ran away, and I'm not going back. :'''Aladdin''': Really? :''[Aladdin takes a bite from the apple on his hand with Abu looks on his face]'' :'''Abu''': Why you! :''[Aladdin walks over and sits next to Jasmine]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': My father's forcing me to get married. :'''Aladdin''': That's, that's awful. ''[Abu appears from behind the princess and tries to steal the apple]'' Abu! :''[Abu chatters and curses as he goes]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': What? :'''Aladdin''': Abu says it's, uh, it's not fair. :'''Abu''': What? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, did he? :'''Aladdin''': Yeah, of course. :'''Princess Jasmine''': And does Abu have anything else to say? :'''Aladdin''': Well, he wishes there was something he can do to help. :'''Abu''': Oh, boy. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Hmm. Tell him that's very sweet. :''[Aladdin and Jasmine gets closer and kiss her before Razoul and the guards cross towards them]'' :'''Guard''': Here you are! :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': They've found me! ''[beat]'' They're after you? :'''Princess Jasmine''': My father must have sent them... :'''Aladdin''': Do you trust me? :'''Princess Jasmine''': What? :'''Aladdin''': Do you trust me? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Yes. :'''Aladdin''': Then jump! :''[Aladdin and Jasmine leap off the roof, fall down and run before blocked by Razoul]'' :'''Razoul''': We just keep running into each other, don't we, street rat? :'''Aladdin''': Run. Go, get out of here. :''[Again, Razoul's turban is pulled down by Abu, but more guards are here and block the exit. Razoul pulls Abu off his head and throws him in a vase. Three other guards grab Aladdin]'' :'''Razoul''': It's the dungeon for you, boy. :'''Aladdin''': Hey, get off of me! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Let him go. :'''Razoul''': Looky here, men, a street mouse. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Unhand him, by order of the princess. :''[The guards grab Aladdin to bow as well]'' :'''Razoul''': Princess Jasmine. :'''Aladdin''': The princess? :'''Abu''': The princess? :'''Razoul''': What are you doing outside the palace? And with this street rat? :'''Princess Jasmine''': That's not your concern. Do as I command. Release him! :'''Razoul''': ''[last words]'' Well, I would, princess, but my orders come from Jafar. You will have to take it up with him. :''[The guards grab Aladdin out and walk past]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Believe me, I will. :''[Inside the palace, Jafar emerging from his secret chambers. Jafar slides the door shut carefully before Jasmine comes storms and Jafar slams it shut, pines Iago inside the door frame]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Jafar? :'''Jafar''': Oh, uh, princess. :'''Iago''': Awk! Jafar, I'm stuck! :'''Jafar''': How may I be of service to you? ''[spreads out his cape]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': The guards just took a boy from the market, on your orders. :'''Jafar''': Your father's charged me with keeping peace in Agrabah. The boy was a criminal. :'''Princess Jasmine''': What was his crime? :'''Iago''': I can't breathe, Jafar! :'''Jafar''': Why, kidnapping the princess, of course. :'''Iago''': If you could just. ''[he kicks him back inside the door and it slams shut]'' Ow! That hurt! :'''Princess Jasmine''': He didn't kidnap me! I ran away! :'''Jafar''': ''[walks away]'' Oh, dear! Oh, why frightfully upsetting. Had I but known. :'''Princess Jasmine''': What do you mean? :'''Jafar''': Sadly, the boy's sentence has already been carried out. :'''Princess Jasmine''': What sentence? :'''Jafar''': Death. ''[Jasmine gasps]'' By beheading. :'''Princess Jasmine''': No! :'''Jafar''': I am exceedingly sorry, princess. :'''Princess Jasmine''': How could you? ''[crying]'' :''[Iago finally makes it out through the door. He flies up and lands on Jafar's shoulder, coughing]'' :'''Iago''': So, how did it go? :'''Jafar''': I think she took it rather well. ''[they both get a sinister smile on their faces]'' :''[Outside the gardens, crying at the edge of the fountain. Rajah comes over to comfort her. She pets him]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': It's all my fault, Rajah. I didn't even know his name. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the dungeon, rats scurry across the gloomy walls, in and out of shafts of moonlight shining through a high, barred window. We see Aladdin chained to the wall]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[to himself]'' She was the princess. I don't believe it. I must have sounded so stupid to her. :'''Abu''': ''[from a distance]'' Yoo-hoo! Aladdin? Hello! :''[Abu's shadow appears at the window at the top of the dungeon]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu! Down here! :''[We hear chitters, scampers down before Aladdin pulls on his arm irons]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, come on. Help me outta these. :''[Abu stops, then begins chattering wildly, dropping to the ground. He wraps a cloth around his head and makes his eyes big in an imitates of the princess]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, she was in trouble. Ah, she was worth it. :''[Abu jumps up on Aladdin's shoulders and pulls a small set of tools out of his pocket, then frees Aladdin]'' :'''Abu''': Yeah, yeah, yeah. :'''Aladdin''': Don't worry, Abu, I'll never see her again. I'm a street rat, remember, and there's a law. She's gotta marry a prince, she deserves it. :''[Abu finally frees Aladdin's hands]'' :'''Abu''': Ta da! :'''Aladdin''': I'm a fool. :'''Jafar''': ''[off-screen]'' You're only a fool if you give up, boy. :''[Aladdin sees Jafar as a old prisoner sitting in the corner]'' :'''Aladdin''': Who are you? :'''Jafar''': A lowly prisoner like yourself. But together perhaps we can be more. :'''Aladdin''': I'm listening. :'''Jafar''': There is a cave, boy, the Cave of Wonders, filled with treasures beyond your wildest dreams. :''[Abu lights up at this]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[sly]'' Treasure enough to impress even your princess, I'd wager. :'''Iago''': Jafar, can ya hurry it up? I'm dying in here! :'''Aladdin''': But the law says that only a prince can marry... :'''Jafar''': Haven't you heard of the Golden Rule, haven't you boy? Whoever has the gold makes the rules. :'''Aladdin''': So why will you share all of that wonderful treasure with me? :'''Jafar''': I need a young pair of legs and a strong back to go in after it. :'''Aladdin''': Uh, one problem. It's out there, we're in here? :''[Jafar walks to a wall and pushes open a hidden exit]'' :'''Jafar''': Mmm, mmm, mmm. Things aren't always what they seem. So do we have a deal? :''[Aladdin looks at Abu, who shrugs his shoulders]'' :'''Abu''': Hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the desert scene, we see Aladdin leading a horse with Jafar and Abu on it, in the Cave of Wonders location]'' :'''Cave of Wonders''': Who disturbs my slumber? :'''Aladdin''': Uh, it is I, Aladdin. :''[Blinding light from the cave. Aladdin winces]'' :'''Cave of Wonders''': Proceed. Touch nothing but the lamp. :''[The cave opens up with a roar, and a staircase appears in front of Aladdin]'' :'''Jafar''': Remember, boy, first fetch me the lamp. And then you shall have your reward. :'''Aladdin''': Come on, Abu. ''[to Abu hiding under the shoulder of his vest]'' :''[Aladdin begins to descend the staircase. He reaches the bottom and enters a golden chamber filled with treasure]'' :'''Aladdin''': Will you look at that! :'''Abu''': Uh-oh! :'''Aladdin''': Just a handful of this stuff would make me richer than the Sultan. :''[Abu peeks out, sees the treasure, then bolts for it]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu! :''[Abu stops in mid run, hovering over a rug on the floor]'' :'''Aladdin''': Don't touch anything! We gotta find that lamp. :''[They begin to make their way through the room when the Carpet rises off the floor and begins following them. Abu gets the feeling they're being followed]'' :'''Abu''': Huh? :''[He turns, and the Carpet lies flat on the floor. He continues, and the Carpet begins to follow again. Again, Abu turns back, but the Carpet is rolled up and leaning against a pile of treasure. Abu runs to Aladdin and tugs his pant leg]'' :'''Abu''': Aladdin! Aladdin! :'''Aladdin''': Abu, will you knock it off? :''[Again the Carpet follows, but this time, when Abu turns, the carpet jumps to the other side. It reaches down with a tassel and pulls Abu's tail. When Abu jumps around, Carpet again goes to the other side. This time, Abu lands in a karate stance. Carpet reaches down and plucks Abu's hat off, then puts it on himself. Abu sits thinking for a second, until Carpet waves a tassel in front of his face. Abu and Carpet both jump scared, and run away. Abu tackles Aladdin and turns his head to look at the Carpet]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, what are you, crazy? :''[The Carpet peeks out from behind a pile of treasure]'' :'''Aladdin''': The Magic Carpet. Come on, come on out, I'm not gonna hurt you. Hey, take it easy, Abu, he's not gonna bite. :''[The Carpet again picks up Abu's hat and hands it to him.]'' :'''Aladdin''': Thanks. :''[Abu shakes his fist and screeching. Carpet begins to walk away, "sadly"]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, wait a minute. Don't go. Maybe you can help us. :''[Carpet looks back, excited. It then flies over and wraps around the pair]'' :'''Aladdin''': Hey, whoa! You see, we're trying to find this lamp. :''[Carpet motions for them to follow it]'' :'''Aladdin''': I think he knows where it is. :''[They pass through a long cave, until they emerge in a giant underground cavern. In the center of the room is a tall pillar, with a staircase going up to it. It is surrounded by water with unevenly placed stones forming a bridge. At the top of the pillar is a beam of light, Aladdin across the bridge]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[softly]'' Wait here! :'''Abu''': Oh, huh? :''[Abu sees a shrine with a golden monkey. The outstretched paws hold a giant diamond. Abu is hypnotically drawn to it. Aladdin climbs the stairs quickly. Carpet sees Abu and grabs his tail trying in vain to hold him back. Aladdin finally reaches the magic lamp like '''[[w:Beyond Oasis|Beyond Oasis]]''' and '''[[w:Legend of Oasis|Legend of Oasis]]'''.]'' :'''Aladdin''': This is it? This is magic lamp. This is what we came all the way down here to...? ''[he looks down at Abu about to grab a red diamond from a monkey idol]'' Abu! NO! :''[Abu grabs the diamond]'' :'''Cave of Wonders''': <big>'''INFIDELS!!'''</big> :'''Abu''': Uh-oh! :'''Cave of Wonders''': <big>'''YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE FORBIDDEN TREASURE!!'''</big> ''[Abu tries to put the diamond back in the idol's palm, but the idol starts to melt away]'' <big>'''NOW YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!!'''</big> :''[Aladdin leaps his ramp, but they flatten into a ramp, and he skies down until he flies into the air. The water changes into lava. He is falling toward it, when all of a sudden Carpet appears and catches him. Abu is standing on one of the rocks of the bridge. He looks left and right and sees rocks exploding into lava like '''[[w:Raiders of the Lost Ark|Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'''. Then Carpet races over and Aladdin grabs him, just as the last rock is exploding]'' :'''Aladdin''': Whoa! Carpet, let's move! :''[Together, they race back through the caves dodging walls and falling debris. Abu grabs Aladdin's head and covers his eyes]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, this is no time to panic! ''[Aladdin pulls Abu off his head and sees the flies]'' Start panicking. Whoa! :''[Carpet goes into a dive, then through another cave. Finally, they emerge through the internal entrance. Outside, the earth trembes. Winds swirl ferociously. Lightning flashes, thunder booms. The cave begins to growl and close, a gigantic stalactite breaks off and pins the Carpet. Abu and Aladdin are thrown forward. A chasm opens, cutting them off from Aladdin and Abu are almost to the top when a boulder drops on carpet, sending it to the floor. Aladdin grabs onto the rock wall and holds on. He sees Jafar appears above]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[shouts over the din]'' Help me out! :'''Jafar''': Throw me the lamp! :'''Aladdin''': I can't hold on, give me your hand! :'''Jafar''': First give me the lamp. :''[Aladdin pulls out the lamp. Aladdin hands it up and Jafar raises up]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[laughs triumphantly]'' Yes! At last! :''[Jafar laughs evilly and grabs Aladdin's wrist]'' :'''Aladdin''': What are you doing? :'''Jafar''': Giving you your reward. ''[normal voice]'' Your eternal reward. :''[He pulls out a crooked dagger and is about to stab Aladdin, when Abu angrily bites him on the wrist. He painfully screams, but lets go of Aladdin, who falls into the cave. Jafar throws Abu into the cave as well. They fall. Carpet sees this, but is pinned under a boulder. It struggles to break free, then does. It races up and catches Aladdin, but he has already hit the wall several times, and is unconscious. On the surface, the cave roars one final time, then sinks back into the sand. Jafar pulls off his disguise]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[laughs]'' It's mine. ''[removes his disguise]'' It's all mine! I... ''[he searches his robe pockets for the lamp, but it is empty]'' Where is it? No! ''[falls to his knees]'' <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'''''</big> :''[Meanwhile, in Sultan's chamber like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''', '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]''' and '''[[w:The Thief and the Cobbler|The Princess and the Cobbler]]'''. She is sitting on her bed, next to Rajah who looks sad. The Sultan walks in]'' :'''Sultan''': Jasmine? Oh, dearest. What's wrong? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Jafar... has... done... something terrible. ''[cries]'' :'''Sultan''': There, there, there, my child... We'll set it right. Now, tell me everything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the cave, Aladdin sleeps groggily on the Carpet and Abu tries]'' :'''Abu''': Oh, oh. Aladdin? Wake up. Aladdin. :'''Aladdin''': ''[groans]'' Oh, my head. ''[looks at a solid cavern]'' We're trapped. That two faced son-of-a-jackal! Whoever he was, he's long gone with that lamp. :'''Abu''': Aha! ''[pulls out the lamp]'' :'''Aladdin''': Why, you hairy little thief! It looks like such a beat-up, worthless piece of junk. Hey, I think there's something written here, but it's hard to make out. :''[Aladdin rubs the lamp with his sleeve, it glows slightly and the lamp begins to shake and glow, but Aladdin holds onto the lamp, towering above Aladdin is the gigantic Genie comes out of the lamp. He is a hip, hyper, mercurial [[Robin Williams]] type, full of exuberance]'' :'''Genie''': ''[screaming]'' OY! 10,000 years will give ya such a crick in the neck! Hang on a second! Whoa! Does it feel good to be outta there! Nice to be back, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, where ya from? What's your name? :'''Aladdin''': Uh, Al, Aladdin. :'''Genie''': Aladdin! Hello, Aladdin. Nice to have you on the show. Can we call you Al? Or maybe just Din? Or how about Laddie? Sounds like here, boy! ''[whistles]'' Come on, Laddie! :'''Aladdin''': ''[to the Carpet]'' I must have hit my head harder than I thought. :'''Genie''': Do you smoke? Mind if I do? Oh, sorry, Cheeta, I hope I didn't singe the fur! :''[Abu is comically scared before the Carpet laughs]'' :'''Genie''': ''[noticed the Carpet]'' Hey, Rugman! Haven't seen you in a few millennia! Give me some tassel! ''[to Aladdin]'' Yo yo! Yeah! Say, you're a lot smaller than my last master. Either that or I'm getting bigger. Look at me from the side, do I look different to you? :'''Aladdin''': Wait a minute! I'm your master? :'''Genie''': That's right! He can be taught!! What would you wish of me, ''[assumes a muscular physique and a deep [[w:Arnold Schwarzenegger|Arnold Schwarzenegger]]-esque accent]'' the ever-impressive, ''[appears in a [[Superman II#General Zod|Phantom Zone]]-esque stretchy bubble]'' the long-contained, ''[creates a ventriloquist's dummy in his likeness, affecting a [[w:Señor Wences|Señor Wences]]-esque high-pitched voice]'' often imitated, ''[creates multiple copies of himself]'' but never duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated, duplicated...Genie Of The Lamp! ''[turns into a caricature of [[w:Ed Sullivan|Ed Sullivan]] as the copies applaud]'' Right here direct from the lamp, right here for your very much wish fulfillment. Thank you! :'''Aladdin''': ''[getting it clear]'' Whoa! Wish fulfillment? :'''Genie''': Three wishes to be exact. And ix-nay on the wishing for more wishes. That's it, three. ''[affects a [[w:Groucho Marx|Groucho Marx]] impression]'' Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges or refunds. :''[Aladdin stares before deadpan]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[to Abu]'' Now I know I'm dreaming. :'''Genie''': ''[music for "Friend Like Me" begins]'' Master, I don't think you quite realize what you've got here! So why don't you just ruminate, whilst I illuminate the possibilities. ''[singing]'' Well Ali Baba had them forty thieves / Scheherezade had a thousand tales / But master you in luck 'cause up your sleeves / You got a brand of magic never fails / You got some power in your corner now / Some heavy ammunition in your camp / You got some punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how / See all you gotta do is rub that lamp / And I'll say...| Mister Aladdin, sir / What will your pleasure be? / Let me take your order / Jot it down / You ain't never had a friend like me...| Life is your restaurant / And I'm your maître d' / C'mon whisper what it is you want / You ain't never had a friend like me...| Yes sir, we pride ourselves on service / You're the boss / The king, the shah / Say what you wish / It's yours, true dish / How about a little more Baklava?| Have some of column A / Try all of column B / I'm in the mood to help you dude / You ain't never had a friend like me...| Can your friends do this? / Do your friends do that? / Do your friends pull this out their little hat? / Can your friends go poof? / Well, looky here / Can your friends go, Abracadabra, let 'er rip / And then make the sucker disappear?| So dontcha sit there slack-jawed, buggy-eyed / I'm here to answer all your midnight prayers / You got me bona fide, certified / You got a genie for your charge d'affaires / I got a powerful urge to help you out / So what-cha wish? / I really want to know / You got a list that's three miles long, no doubt / Well, all you gotta do is rub like so - and oh...| Mister Aladdin, sir, have a wish or two or three / I'm on the job, you big nabob / You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend / You ain't never had a friend, never had a friend / You ain't never had a friend like me / You ain't never had a friend like me, hah!| ''[song fades]'' :''[Back at the cave is empty again, save for Aladdin, Abu, the Carpet and the Genie, who now has a glowing neon "Applause" sign above his head]'' :'''Genie''': So what'll it be, master? :'''Aladdin''': You're gonna grant me any three wishes I want? :'''Genie''': ''[affecting a [[William F. Buckley]] accent]'' Ah, almost. There are a few provisos, a couple of quid pro quos. :'''Aladdin''': Like? :'''Genie''': Ah, rule number one: I can't kill anybody. ''[slices his head off with his finger]'' So don't ask. Rule number two: I can't make anyone fall in love with anyone else. ''[Genie's head turns into a big pair of lips which kiss Aladdin]'' You little punim, there. ''[lies flat, then gets up and transforms into a zombie affecting a [[w:Peter Lorre|Peter Lorre]] accent]'' Rule number three: I can't bring people back from the dead. It's not a pretty picture. ''[grabs Aladdin and shakes him]'' '''I DON'T LIKE DOING IT!''' ''[poofs back to normal]'' Other than that, you got it! :'''Aladdin''': Ah, provisos? You mean limitations? On wishes? ''[to Abu]'' Some all powerful genie. Can't even bring people back from the dead. I don't know, Abu. He probably can't even get us out of this cave. Looks like we're gonna have to find a way out of here. :'''Genie''': ''[stomps his foot in front of them, affects a [[w:Travis Bickle|Travis Bickle]]-esque [[w:Brooklyn accent|Brooklyn accent]], angrily and lost patience]'' Excuse me? Are you lookin' at me? Did you rub my lamp? Did you wake me up? Did you bring me here? And all of a sudden, you're walkin' out on me?! I don't think so! <big>'''''NOT right now! YOU'RE GETTIN' YOUR WISHES, SO SIT DOWN!!'''''</big> ''[Aladdin and Abu sit on the carpet; Genie joins them and turns into a stewardess]'' In case of emergency, the exits are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, anywhere! Keep your hands and arms inside the carpet! WEEEEEEEEEEEE'RE... ''[they pop out of the cave and soar into the distance]'' <big>''...OUTTA HERE!''</big> <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next morning, inside the Sultan's palace, Jafar is there with Iago, Jasmine and the Sultan]'' :'''Sultan''': Jafar, this is an outrage. If it weren't for all your years of loyal service... From now on, you're to discuss sentencing of prisoners with me, before they are beheaded. :'''Jafar''': I assure you, Your Highness, it won't happen again. :'''Sultan''': Jasmine, Jafar, now let's put this whole messy business behind us. Please? :'''Jafar''': My most abject and humblest apologies to you as well, Princess. :''[Jafar takes her hand to kiss it, but she yanks it away]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': At least some good will come of my being forced to marry. When I am queen, I will have the power to get rid of you. :'''Sultan''': That's nice. All settled, then. Now, Jasmine, getting back to this suitor business, ''[looks and sees Jasmine walking out]'' Jasmine? Jasmine! :''[The Sultan runs after her]'' :'''Jafar''': If only I had gotten that lamp! :'''Iago''': ''[Jasmine's voice]'' I will have the power to get rid of you! ''[normal voice]'' Doh! To think, we gotta keep kissing up to that chump, and his chump daughter for the rest of our lives... :'''Jafar''': No, Iago. Only until she finds a chump husband. Then she'll have us banished, or beheaded! :'''Jafar and Iago''': Eeewww! :'''Iago''': ''[has an idea]'' Oh! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Jafar? What if you were the chump husband? :'''Jafar''': ''[looks at Iago in insult]'' What? :'''Iago''': Okay, you marry the princess, all right? Then, uh, you become sultan! :'''Jafar''': Oh! Marry the shrew? I become sultan. The idea has merit! :'''Iago''': Yes, merit! Yes! And then we drop papa-in-law and the little woman off a cliff! ''[dive bombs into the floor]'' Kersplat! :'''Jafar''': Iago, I love the way your foul little mind works! :''[Both laugh]'' :''[We scene switches to an oasis in the desert, where Carpet is coming in for a landing]'' :'''Genie''': ''[still as stewardess, now using a [[w: Carol Channing|Carol Channing]]-esque voice]'' Thank you for choosing Magic Carpet for all your travel needs. Don't stand until the rug has come to a complete stop. ''[as Aladdin and Abu get off down the stairway formed by Carpet]'' Thank you. Goodbye, goodbye! Thank you! Goodbye! ''[back to normal]'' Well, how about that, Mr. Doubting Mustafa? :'''Aladdin''': Oh, you sure showed me. Now about my three wishes-- :'''Genie''': Dost mine ears deceive me? Three? You are down by ONE, boy! :'''Aladdin''': Ah, no. I never actually wished to get out of the cave. You did that on your own. :''[Genie thinks for a second, then his jaw drops. He turns into a sheep]'' :'''Genie''': Well, don't I feel just sheepish? All right, you baaaaad boy, but no more freebies. :'''Aladdin''': Fair deal. So, three wishes. I want them to be good. ''[to Genie]'' What would you wish for? :''[Genie is hanging like a hammock between two trees]'' :'''Genie''': Me? No one's ever asked me that before. Well, in my case, ah, forget it. :'''Aladdin''': What? :'''Genie''': No, I can't. I... :'''Aladdin''': Come on, tell me. :'''Genie''': Freedom. :'''Aladdin''': You're a prisoner? :'''Genie''': It's all part-and-parcel, the whole genie gig. ''[grows gigantic, voice echoes]'' Phenomenal cosmic powers! ''[shrinks down, cramped in Magic Lamp]'' Itty-bitty living space. :'''Aladdin''': Genie, that's terrible. :'''Genie''': ''[comes out of the lamp]'' But, oh, to be free. Won't have to go "Poof! What do you need? Poof! What do you need? Poof! What do you need?" To be my own master, such a thing would be greater than all the riches and all the treasures in all the world! But what am I talking about? Let's be real here. It's not gonna happen. Genie, wake up and smell the hummus! :'''Aladdin''': Why not? :'''Genie''': The only way I get outta this, is if my master wishes me out. So, you can guess how often that's happened. :'''Aladdin''': I'll do it. I'll set you free. :'''Genie''': ''[Head turns into [[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio's]] with a long nose]'' Uh huh, yeah, right. Whoop! :'''Aladdin''': No, really, I promise. ''[He pushes the nose back in and Genie's head returns to normal.]'' After I make my first two wishes, I use my third wish to set you free. ''[He holds out his hand]'' :'''Genie''': Well, here's hopin'. ''[Shakes Aladdin's hand.]'' All right. Let's make some magic! ''[Turns into a magician.]'' So how 'bout it? What is it you want most? :'''Aladdin''': Well... there's this girl. :'''Genie''': Eehhh, wrong! ''[Like a buzzer, and Genie's chest shows a heart with a cross through it.]'' I can't make anybody fall in love, remember? :'''Aladdin''': Oh, but--but Genie, she’s smart and--and fun, and... :'''Genie''': Pretty? :'''Aladdin''': Beautiful! She's got these eyes that just... and this hair, wow... and her smile. ''[sighs]'' :'''Genie''': ''[Sitting in a Parisian cafe with Abu and Carpet.]'' Ah, mi, c'est l'amour. :'''Aladdin''': But she's the princess. To even have a chance, I’d have to be... Hey... can you make me a prince? :'''Genie''': Let's see here. ''[Pulls out a "Royal Cookbook".]'' Chicken à la king? ''[Pulls out a chicken with a crown on its head]'' Nope. Alaskan king crab. ''[Yanks out his finger, and we see Sebastian from "'''[[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|The Little Mermaid]]'''" clamped on.]'' Ow. I hate it when they do that. Caesar salad? Ah! ''[An arm wielding a dagger comes out and tries to stab him.]'' [[w:Et tu, Brute|Et tu, Brute?]] No. Aha. "To make a prince." ''[Looks slyly at Aladdin.]'' Now is that an official wish? Say the magic words! :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I wish for you to make me a prince! :'''Genie''': All riiiiight! ''[Takes on square shoulders and briefly looks like [[w: Arsenio Hall|Arsenio Hall]]]'' Yo, yo, whoof, whoof, whoof! ''[Then becomes a tailor/fashion designer.]'' First, that fez and vest combo is much too third century. These patches--what are we trying to say--beggar? No! Let’s work with me here. ''[He takes Aladdin's measurements, wraps him up in measuring tape, pulls it away and Aladdin is outfitted in his prince costume.]'' I like it, muy macho! Now, still needs something. What does it say to me? It says mode of transportation. Excuse me, monkey boy! Aquí, over here! :''[Abu tries to cover himself with Carpet, but Genie zaps him and he flies over.]'' :'''Abu''': Uh oh! :'''Genie''': ''[doing a [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]] impression]'' Here he comes, ''[Aladdin and Genie are on a game show set, where Aladdin stands behind a podium with "Al" on it.]'' and what better way to make your grand entrance on the streets of Agrabah, than riding your very own brand new camel! Watch out, they spit! ''[A door bearing the Genie's head on it opens, where Abu is transformed into a camel. He spits out the side of his mouth on cue. But the Genie's not sure.]'' Mmm, not enough. ''[He snaps his fingers and Abu turns into a fancy white horse.]'' Still not enough. Let’s see. What do you need? ''[The Genie snaps his fingers repeatedly, turning Abu into: a duck, an ostrich, a turtle, and a '57 Cadillac, with license plate "Abu 1." Finally, he’s returned to normal.]'' Yes! Esalalumbo, shimin Dumbo! Whoa!! ''[And on the keyword of the spell, Dumbo, Abu turns into an elephant. Carpet struggles to get out from under Abu’s size 46 feet.]'' Talk about your trunk space, check this action out! :''[Abu sees his reflection in a pool of water, then jumps into a tree. The tree naturally bends right back down to the ground, where Abu hangs on and looks at Aladdin upside down.]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, you look good. :'''Genie''': He's got the outfit, he's got the elephant, but we're not through yet. Hang on to your turban, kid, we're gonna make you a star! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We zoom out slowly with the oasis in the distance, as fireworks begin to explode outward. Cut to a stack of a pile of toys. (Look for the Beast from "'''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'''" here.) We tilt up and see the Sultan balancing them. He carefully balances the last piece on top, then sits back and sighs. Jafar storms in, though, and the pile collapses.]'' :'''Jafar''': Sire, I have found a solution to the problem with your daughter. :'''Iago''': Awk! The problem with your daughter! :'''Sultan''': Oh, really? :'''Jafar''': ''[Unrolling a scroll]'' Right here. "If the princess has not chosen a husband by the appointed time, then the sultan shall choose for her." :'''Sultan''': But Jasmine hated all those suitors! ''[He tries to stuff a cracker into Iago's mouth. Iago backs away. The Sultan absentmindedly pulls the cracker back.]'' How could I choose someone she hates? ''[Iago is relieved, but the Sultan quickly stuffs a cracker in his mouth.]'' :'''Jafar''': Not to worry, my liege. There is more. If, in the event a suitable prince cannot be found, a princess must then be wed to... hmm... interesting. :'''Sultan''': What? Who? :'''Jafar''': The royal vizier! Why, that would be...me! :'''Sultan''': Why, I thought the law says that only a prince can marry a princess, I’m quite sure. :'''Jafar''': Desperate times call for desperate measures, my lord. ''[He pulls out the staff and hypnotizes the Sultan with it.]'' :'''Sultan''': Yes... desperate measures... :'''Jafar''': You will order the princess to marry me. :'''Sultan''': I... will order... the princess... to... ''[the spell breaks momentarily]'' ...but you're so old! :'''Jafar''': ''[Holds the staff closer]'' The princess WILL marry me! :''[The trumpet fanfare of "Prince Ali" begins]'' :'''Sultan''': The princess will marry... What? What is that? That music! Ha ha ha. Jafar, you must come and see this! :'''Chorus''': Make way for Prince Ali / Say hey! It's Prince Ali. :'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Hey, clear the way in the old bazaar / Hey, you! Let us through, it's a bright new star / Oh, come be the first on your block to meet his eye / Make way, here he comes, ring bells, bang the drums! / Oh, you're gonna love this guy!| Prince Ali, fabulous he, Ali Ababwa / Genuflect, show some respect / Down on one knee / Now, try your best to stay calm / Brush up your [[Sunday]] salaam / Then come and meet his spectacular coterie / Prince Ali, mighty is he, Ali Ababwa / Strong as ten regular men, definitely. ''[speaking as [[w:Walter Brennan|Walter Brennan]]]'' He faced the galloping hordes! ''[singing]'' A hundred bad guys with swords / ''[as [[w:Lou Albano|Lou Albano]]]'' Who sent those goons to their lords? Why, Prince Ali! :'''Chorus''': He's got 75 golden camels. :'''Genie''': ''[as [[w:Harry Reasoner|Harry Reasoner]]]'' Don't they look lovely, June? :'''Chorus''': Purple peacocks, he's got 53. :'''Genie''': ''[as [[w:June Lockhart|June Lockhart]] or [[w:Mary Hart|Mary Hart]]]'' Fabulous Harry, I love the feathers. ''[singing]'' When it comes to exotic-type mammals / Has he got a zoo? I'm telling you. :'''Genie and Chorus and Girls''': It's a world-class menagerie. :'''Genie and Girls''': ''[Genie doing an [[w:Ethel Merman|Ethel Merman]] impression]'' Prince Ali, handsome is he, there's no question, this Ali's alluring / Ali Ababwa, never ordinary, never boring / That physique! How can I speak? / Weak at the knee, everything about the man just plain impresses / Well, get on out in that square, he's a winner, he's a wiz, a wonder / Adjust your veil and prepare, he's about to pull my heart asunder / To gawk and grovel and stare at Prince Ali, and I absolutely love the way he dresses. :'''Chorus and Girls''': He's got 95 white Persian monkeys / He's got the monkeys, let's see the monkeys / And to view them, he charges no fee / He's generous, so generous / He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies / Proud to work for him! / They bow to his whim, love serving him / They're just lousy with loyalty to Ali, Prince Ali. :'''Genie and Chorus and Girls''': Prince Ali, amorous he, Ali Ababwa. :'''Genie''': ''[singing]'' Heard your princess was a sight lovely to see! / And that, good people, is why / He got dolled up and dropped by. :'''Chorus and Girls''': With 60 elephants, llamas galore / With his bears and lions, a brass band and more / With his forty fakirs, his cooks, his bakers / His birds that warble on key / Make way for Prince Ali! ''[fanfare ends]'' :'''Sultan''': ''[clapping]'' Splendid, absolutely marvelous. :'''Aladdin''': ''[clears throat]'' Your Majesty, I have journeyed from afar to seek your daughter's hand. :'''Sultan''': Prince Ali Ababwa! Of course. I'm delighted to meet you. ''[rushes over and shakes Aladdin's hand]'' This is my royal vizier, Jafar. He's delighted too. :'''Jafar''': ''[extremely dryly]'' Ecstatic. I'm afraid, Prince Abooboo... :'''Aladdin''': ...Ababwa! :'''Jafar''': Whatever. You cannot just parade in here uninvited and expect to... :'''Sultan''': ...by Allah, this is quite a remarkable device. ''[tugs at the tassels, and they tug his moustache]'' I don't suppose I might... :'''Aladdin''': Why certainly, your majesty. Allow me. :''[He helps the Sultan up onto the Carpet, and he plops down. Jafar pins the Carpet down on the floor with the staff]'' :'''Jafar''': Sire, I must advise against this. :'''Sultan''': Oh, button up, Jafar. Learn to have a little fun. :''[He kicks away the staff and Carpet and Sultan fly away. Iago, who was standing on the head of the staff, falls down, repeatedly bopping the staff with his beak as he descends. Sultan and Carpet fly high into the ceiling, then begin a dive-bomb attack, flying under Abu, scaring him. The flight continues in the background, while Jafar and Ali talk in the foreground]'' :'''Jafar''': Just where did you say you were from? :'''Aladdin''': Oh, much farther than you've traveled, I'm sure. ''[smiles. Jafar does not]'' :'''Jafar''': Try me. ''[Iago lands on the staff]'' :'''Sultan''': Look out, Polly! :''[They all duck in time as the Carpet whizzes centimeters over their heads. Carpet returns and the Sultan chases Iago around the room]'' :'''Iago''': Hey, watch it. Watch it with the dumb rug! :''[The Carpet zooms underneath Iago, who sighs, wipes his brow, and crashes into a pillar. He crashes to the floor, and his head is circled by miniature Sultan's on Carpet's, saying "Have a cracker, have a cracker." The real Sultan begins his final approach]'' :'''Sultan''': Out of the way, I'm coming in to land. Jafar, watch this! ''[he lands]'' :'''Jafar''': Spectacular, Your Highness. :'''Sultan''': Ooh, that was lovely. Yes, I do seem to have a knack for it. ''[Carpet walks over to Abu dizzily, then collapses. Abu catches it]'' This is a very impressive youth. And a prince besides. ''[whispers to Jafar]'' If we're lucky, you won't have to marry Jasmine after all. :'''Jafar''': I don't trust him, sire. :'''Sultan''': Nonsense. One thing I pride myself on Jafar, I'm an excellent judge of character. :'''Iago''': Oh, excellent judge, yeah, sure...not!!! :''[Jasmine walks in quietly]'' :'''Sultan''': Jasmine will like this one! :'''Aladdin''': And I'm pretty sure I'll like Princess Jasmine! :'''Jafar''': Your Highness, no. I must intercede on Jasmine's behalf. ''[Jasmine hears this and gets mad]'' This boy is no different than the others. What makes him think he is worthy of the princess? :'''Aladdin''': Your Majesty, I am Prince Ali Ababwa! ''[pricks Jafar's goatee, which springs out in all directions]'' Just let her meet me. I will win your daughter! :'''Princess Jasmine''': How dare you! ''[they all look at her surprised]'' All of you, standing around deciding my future? I am not a prize to be won! ''[storms out]'' :'''Sultan''': Oh, dear. Don't worry, Prince Ali. Just give Jasmine time to cool down. ''[they exit]'' :'''Jafar''': I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince Abooboo. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jasmine on her balcony at night. We tilt down and find Aladdin and company in the courtyard]'' :'''Aladdin''': What am I going to do? Jasmine won't even let me talk to her. I should have known I couldn't pull off this stupid prince wish. :''[Abu struggles with his elephant paws to open a banana. He squishes it, and the banana squirts into his eye. He then tosses the banana peel into a heaping pile of the same]'' :'''Genie''': ''[to Carpet, playing chess]'' So move! ''[Carpet does, knocking a black piece off the board]'' Hey, that's a good move. ''[as [[Rodney Dangerfield]]]'' I can't believe it--I'm losing to a rug. :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I need help. :'''Genie''': ''[as [[Jack Nicholson]]]'' All right, sparky, here's the deal. You wanna court the little lady, you gotta be a straight shooter, do ya got it? :'''Aladdin''': What? :'''Genie''': ''[back to normal, points out his words on a blackboard]'' Tell her the...<big>'''TRUTH!!!'''</big> :'''Aladdin''': No way! If Jasmine found out I was really some crummy street rat, ''[downcast]'' she'd laugh at me. ''[dons turban]'' :'''Genie''': ''[turns turban into a lamp shade]'' A woman appreciates a man who can make her laugh! Al, all joking aside, you really oughtta be yourself. :'''Aladdin''': Hey, that's the last thing I want to be. Okay, I'm gonna go see her. I gotta be smooth, cool, confident. How do I look? :''[The Genie regards him a little sadly. Gestures, the turban is restored]'' :'''Genie''': ''[false good humor]'' Like a prince. :''[Aladdin flies up to the balcony on Carpet. Jasmine is on her bed, sighing. Rajah is by her side]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[from a distance]'' Princess Jasmine? :''[Rajah looks up and growls]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Who's there? :'''Aladdin''': It's me, Prince Ali. Ahem-- ''[then he jumps to his deep voice]'' Prince Ali Ababwa. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I do not want to see you. :''[Jasmine turns to go inside. He moves after her, so the room light illumines him]'' :'''Aladdin''': No, no, please princess. Give me a chance. ''[Rajah growls and advances on him]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Just leave me alone. :'''Aladdin''': Down kitty! :''[Over the edge of the balcony, Carpet is watching with Genie below]'' :'''Genie''': How's our beau doing? :''[Carpet cuts his neck with his finger]'' :'''Aladdin''': Good kitty, take off. Down kitty. ''[He takes off his turban to brush Rajah away]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[looks at him thinking she has seen him before]'' Wait, wait. Do I know you? :'''Aladdin''': ''[quickly replaces his turban]'' Uh, no, no. :'''Princess Jasmine''': You remind me of someone I met in the marketplace. :'''Aladdin''': The marketplace? ''[a bee buzzes around his head]'' I have servants that go to the marketplace for me. Why I even have servants who go to the marketplace for my servants, so it couldn't have been me you met. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[looks disappointed]'' No, I guess not. :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Enough about you, Casanova. Talk about her! She's smart, fun, the hair, the eyes. Anything--pick a feature! :'''Aladdin''': Um, Princess Jasmine? You're very... :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Wonderful, glorious, magnificent, punctual! :'''Aladdin''': Punctual! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Punctual? :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Sorry. :'''Aladdin''': Beautiful. :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Nice recovery. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Hmm. I'm rich too, you know. :'''Aladdin''': Yeah! :'''Princess Jasmine''': The daughter of a sultan. :'''Aladdin''': I know. :'''Princess Jasmine''': A fine prize for any prince to marry. :'''Aladdin''': Uh, right. Right. A prince like me. :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee; buzzing in his ear]'' Warning! Warning! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Right, a prince like you. And every other stuffed shirt, swaggering peacock I've met! :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee; rear end on fire, wearing goggles and crashing]'' Mayday! Mayday! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Just go jump off a balcony! ''[turns and walks away]'' :'''Aladdin''': What? :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Stop her! Stop her! Do you want me to sting her? :'''Aladdin''': ''[swats at bee]'' Buzz off! :'''Genie''': ''[as a bee]'' Okay, fine. But remember--bee yourself! ''[buzzes into his turban]'' :'''Aladdin''': Yeah, right! :'''Princess Jasmine''': What!?! :'''Aladdin''': Uh, you're right. You aren't just some prize to be won. ''[looks disappointed]'' You should be free to make your own choice. ''[Jasmine and Rajah look at each other in confusion]'' I'll go now. ''[steps up on the ledge and drops off]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': No! :'''Aladdin''': ''[pokes his head up from over the edge]'' What? What? :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[now she's amazed]'' How--how are you doing that? ''[she looks over the edge and sees the Carpet]'' :'''Aladdin''': It's a magic carpet. :'''Princess Jasmine''': It's lovely. ''[Carpet takes Jasmine's hand with a tassel]'' :'''Aladdin''': You, uh, you don't want to go for a ride, do you? We could get out of the palace, see the world. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Is it safe? :'''Aladdin''': Sure. Do you trust me? :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[looks at him at the saying of that all-important line]'' What? :'''Aladdin''': ''[extends his hand the same as before]'' Do you trust me? :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[gets a sly grin on her face]'' Yes. :''[Jasmine takes his hand and hops on Carpet, with the camera zooms into the sky, knocking them both into sitting positions. Brad Kane and Lea Salonga music playing a song [[w:A Whole New World|A Whole New World]]. Jasmine looks back and sees Rajah looks up at her questioningly. She gasps as they fly over the palace wall and into the sky]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' I can show you the world / Shining, shimmering, splendid / Tell me, princess, now when did / You last let your heart decide?| I can open your eyes / Take you wonder by wonder / Over, sideways and under / On a magic carpet ride...| A whole new world / A new fantastic point of view / No one to tell us no / Or where to go / Or say we're only dreaming. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A whole new world / A dazzling place I never knew / But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear / That now I'm in a whole new world with you. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Now I'm in a whole new world with you. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' Unbelievable sights / Indescribable feeling / Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling / Through an endless diamond sky...| A whole new world. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Don't you dare close your eyes. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A hundred thousand things to see. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' Hold your breath, it gets better. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' I'm like a shooting star, I've come so far. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' I can't go back to where I used to be...| A whole new world. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' Every turn a surprise. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' With new horizons to pursue. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' Every moment, red-letter. :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' I'll chase them anywhere, there's time to spare / Let me share this whole new world with you...| A whole new world, a whole new world / That's where we'll be, that's where we'll be. :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' A thrilling chase. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A wondrous place. :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' For you and me...| ''[song fades]'' :''[Carpet hovers along over a lake, and we see the reflection of the moon in the lake. Fireworks burst and before them is the Great Wall of China in '''[[w:Mulan (1998 film)|Mulan]]''', sitting on a rooftop]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': It's all so magical. :'''Aladdin''': Yeah. :'''Princess Jasmine''': It's a shame Abu had to miss this. :'''Aladdin''': Nah, he hates fireworks. He doesn't really like flying either. That is... Oh, no! :'''Princess Jasmine''': You're the boy from the market! I knew it. Why did you lie to me? :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I'm sorry. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Did you think I was stupid? :'''Aladdin''': No! :'''Princess Jasmine''': That I wouldn't figure it out? :'''Aladdin''': No. I mean, I hoped you wouldn't. No, that's not what I meant. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Who are you? Tell me the truth! :'''Aladdin''': The truth? :''[Aladdin looks at Carpet on rooftop]'' :'''Aladdin''': The truth, the truth is, I sometimes dress as a commoner, to escape the pressures of palace life. But I really am a prince! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Why didn't you just tell me? :'''Aladdin''': Well, you know, uh, royalty going out into the city in disguise. It seems a little strange, don't you think? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Not that strange. :''[Jasmine flicks up the feather, Carpet puts a tassel under his "chin" and looks mystified. In the palace balcony, where Aladdin and Jasmine return]'' :''[Carpet forms a set of steps and she descends. Aladdin descending below the balcony]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Good night, my handsome prince. :'''Aladdin''': Sleep well, princess. ''[They slowly lean forward to kiss before Carpet bumps him up and they kiss sooner than expected]'' Yes! ''[he falls back onto the Carpet, who descends to the ground]'' For the first time in my life, things are starting to go right. ''[Aladdin looks up at Jasmine's balcony, and suddenly the guards' hand grab him]'' :'''Guards''': Aha! :'''Aladdin''': Hey! What?! ''[muffled]'' Abu! Abu! :'''Guard''': Hold him! :''[Razoul grabs Aladdin on his feet and his hands. Razoul ties Carpet in a knot and Jafar approaches]'' :'''Jafar''': I'm afraid you've worn out your welcome, Prince A-Boo-Boo. :'''Aladdin''': ''[muffled]'' Why, you... :'''Jafar''': ''[walks away]'' Make sure he's never found. :''[Razoul hits him in the head, and he falls unconscious. In a cliff, where Razoul laughs as Aladdin's body drops into the water. He is conscious now, but his feet are tied to a rock. The rock hits the sea bottom, then the turban lands and the lamp tumbles out. He sees this and struggles to rub the lamp. However, he loses consciousness and falls to the floor. The lamp, unsettled by his movement, rolls down and rubs against his hands. It shakes, and Genie emerges with a bath brush, rubber duckie, and shower cap]'' :'''Genie''': Never fails. You get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp. ''[squeaks the duck]'' Hello? ''[sees unconscious Aladdin]'' Al? Al! Kid, snap out of it. You can't cheat on this one, I can't help you unless you make a wish. You have to say, "Genie, I want you to save my life." Got it? Okay. Come on, Aladdin!! ''[he grabs Aladdin by the shoulders and shakes him. His head goes up, then falls]'' I'll take that as a yes. ''[head turns into a siren]'' Wooga! Wooga! ''[turns into a submarine]'' Up scope! ''[he babbles in something that sounds like [[German language|German]]. On the surface, a giant water spout emerges, and lands on top of the cliff. Aladdin reawakes and coughs the water out of his lungs]'' Don't you scare me like that! :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I--uh, I-uh, I... ''[he can't think of how to say it, so they just hug each other]'' Thanks, Genie. :'''Genie''': Oh, Al. I'm gettin' kind of fond of you, kid. Not that I want to pick out curtains or anything. :''[Inside Jasmine's room, Jasmine humming "A Whole New World" and unbraids her hair. The Sultan appears in one of the double doors, hypnotized]'' :'''Sultan''': ''[from a distance]'' Jasmine! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, father--I just had the most wonderful time. I'm so happy. :'''Sultan''': ''[tranced]'' You should be, Jasmine. I have chosen a husband for you. :'''Princess Jasmine''': What? :'''Sultan''': ''[the other door opens and reveals Jafar]'' You will wed Jafar. :''[Jasmine gasps. Jafar steps forward, the sight of him]'' :'''Jafar''': You're speechless, I see. A fine quality in a wife. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I will never marry you. ''[goes to the Sultan]'' Father, I choose Prince Ali! :'''Jafar''': Prince Ali left! :''[A quick pan finds Aladdin standing in the doorway to the balcony]'' :'''Aladdin''': Better check your crystal ball again, Jafar! :'''Princess Jasmine''': Prince Ali! :''[Jafar gasps at the sight of Aladdin]'' :'''Iago''': How in the he-- ''[back to parrot-ese]'' --uh, awk! :'''Aladdin''': Tell them the truth, Jafar! You tried to have me killed. :'''Jafar''': What? ''[goes to the Sultan]'' Ridiculous nonsense, Your Highness. He is obviously lying. :''[Jafar brings the staff close to the Sultan's face]'' :'''Sultan''': Obviously...lying. :''[Aladdin sees the staff with its glowing eyes]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Father, what's wrong with you? :'''Aladdin''': I know what's wrong. :''[Aladdin smashes the head of the staff against the floor, Jafar flinches and the spell is broken for good]'' :'''Sultan''': Oh, oh, oh my! :'''Aladdin''': Your Highness, Jafar's been controlling you with this! ''[he advances the staff]'' :'''Sultan''': What? Jafar? You, you traitor! :''[The trio advances on Jafar]'' :'''Jafar''': Your Majesty, all of this can be explained. :'''Sultan''': Guards! Guards! :'''Iago''': Well, that's it--we're dead, forget it. Just dig a grave for both of us. We're dead. :''[But Jafar sees the lamp in Aladdin's pocket. Jafar makes a move, but is arrested by guards]'' :'''Sultan''': Arrest Jafar at once. :'''Jafar''': ''[a hiss]'' This is not done yet, boy! :''[Aladdin leaps at him, but Jafar throws down a smoke pellet. A large red cloud appears. Jafar is gone. Jasmine helps Aladdin up, embraces him]'' :'''Sultan''': Find him, search everywhere! :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, are you all right? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Yes. :''[They lean in to kiss, but the Sultan barges between them]'' :'''Sultan''': Jafar, my most trusted counselor, plotting against me all this time. This is horrible, just horrible. How will I ever-- :''[The Sultan notices Jasmine and Aladdin, and looks at the pair]'' :'''Sultan''': Can it be true? My daughter has finally chosen a suitor? ''[she nods]'' Ha, ha! Praise Allah! You brilliant boy, I could kiss you! I won't--I'll leave that to my... ''[Aladdin beams]'' But you two will be wed at once! Yes, yes. And you'll be happy and prosperous, and then my boy, you will be sultan! :'''Aladdin''': ''[surprised]'' Sultan? :'''Sultan''': Yes, a fine upstanding youth like yourself, a person of your unimpeachable moral character is exactly what this kingdom needs! :''[Aladdin looks concerned at this. Inside Jafar's chambers, Jafar and Iago enter]'' :'''Iago''': We gotta get outta here! We gotta get-- I gotta start packing, Your Highness. Only essentials. :''[Iago starts throwing things out of his cage. Jafar smiles broadly]'' :'''Iago''': We gotta travel light! Bring the guns, the weapons, the knives ''[stops and takes out a picture of himself and Jafar]'' and how about this picture? I don't know--I think I'm making a weird face in it. :''[Jafar laughs, a bit wildly]'' :'''Iago''': Oh, boy. He's cracked. He's gone nuts. ''[Iago flies down to him and knocks on his head]'' Jafar? Jafar? Get a grip, Jafar! ''[Jafar grabs him around the neck]'' Good grip! :'''Jafar''': Prince Ali is nothing more than that ragged urchin Aladdin. ''[loosens his grip]'' He has the lamp, Iago. :'''Iago''': Why that miserable-- :'''Jafar''': But you are going to relieve him of it! :'''Iago''': Me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the palace, Aladdin is looking at the gardens]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[to himself]'' Sultan? You want me to be "sultan"? :'''Genie''': ''[comes out of his lamp]'' Huzzah! Hail the conquerin' hero! ''[He turns into a one-man band. He sees Aladdin walk away with his head hung. He stops, scratches his head, comes up with an idea, then zooms over to Aladdin. He holds up his hands like a director scoping a picture and we look through them.]'' Aladdin! You've just won the heart of the princess. What are you gonna do next? :''[Aladdin sadly walks to the bed. He goes to him and pulls out a script]'' :'''Genie''': Psst, your line is "I'm going to free the genie." Anytime. :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I can't. :'''Genie''': Sure ya can. You just go, ''[grabs Aladdin’s head and uses him as a mock ventriloquist's dummy]'' "Genie, I wish you free." :'''Aladdin''': ''[pulls him away]'' I'm serious! Look, I'm sorry-- I really am. But they wanna make me sultan-- no! They wanna make Prince Ali sultan. Without you, I'm just Aladdin. :'''Genie''': Al, you've won! :'''Aladdin''': Because of you! The only reason anyone thinks I'm worth anything is because of you. What if they find out I'm not really a prince? What if Jasmine finds out? I'd lose her. Genie, I-I can't keep this up on my own. I... I can't wish you free. :'''Genie''': ''[obviously hurt]'' Fine. I understand. After all, you've lied to everyone else. Hey, I was just beginning to feel left out. Now, if you'll excuse me, "Master". ''[vanishes into his lamp]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[picks up his lamp]'' Genie, I'm really sorry. ''[a tongue comes out of the spout and blows raspberry at him, he angrily covers it with a pillow]'' Well, fine! Then just... '''stay''' in there! ''[sees Abu and Carpet looking at him, bitterly but still angry]'' What are you guys lookin' at? ''[Abu and Carpet sadly starts leaving]'' Look, I... I-I'm sor... Abu, I'm sorry. I didn't... Wait. Come on. ''[sighs]'' What am I doing? Genie's right--I gotta tell Jasmine the truth. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[off-screen]'' Ali, oh Ali--will you come here? :'''Aladdin''': ''[putting on his turban]'' Well, here goes. ''[walks into the garden]'' Jasmine? Where are you? :''[We see Iago wearing a beak and standing in stilts next of a flamingo in the pond. He is imitating Jasmine's voice]'' :'''Iago''': Out in the menagerie, hurry. :'''Aladdin''': I'm coming. :''[We see Aladdin hurry past, not noticing the birds. Iago laughs, then turns back and looks into the face of a flamingo, who is panting and sighs]'' :'''Iago''': Ya got a problem, pinky? ''[he sweeps the bird sneaks from under it. Iago rushes into the palace and finds the lamp under the pillow]'' Boy, Jafar's gonna be happy to see you! Excellent! ''[stretches his face and imitating Jafar's voice]'' Good work, Iago! ''[normal voice]'' Ah, go on. ''[Jafar's voice]'' No, really--on a scale of one to ten, you are an eleven! ''[normal voice]'' Ah, Jafar--you're too kind. I'm embarrassed, I'm blushing. :''[Iago flies away with the lamp]'' :''[Outside the palace entrance, the Sultan is standing on top, gates open, throngs of people cheering]'' :'''Sultan''': People of Agrabah, my daughter has finally chosen a suitor! :''[She behind the curtain, where Jasmine is peeking. Aladdin appears at the bottom of the stairs]'' :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Ali, where have you been? :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, there's something I've got to tell you. :'''Princess Jasmine''': The whole kingdom has turned out for father's announcement! :'''Aladdin''': No! But Jasmine, listen to me, please! You don't understand... :'''Princess Jasmine''': Good luck! :''[Jasmine pushes him out onto the platform with the Sultan, the crowd cheers]'' :'''Sultan''': ...Ali Ababwa! :'''Aladdin''': Oh, boy! :''[Jafar and Iago are watching the sultan coronation.]'' :'''Iago''': Look at them, cheering that little pipsqueak. :'''Jafar''': Let them cheer. ''[rubs the lamp]'' :'''Genie''': ''[comes out of the lamp]'' Ya know, Al, I'm getting really-- ''[sees Jafar]'' I don't think you're him. ''[reads the script]'' Tonight, the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man. :'''Jafar''': ''[grabs Genie and pins him under his foot]'' I am your master now! :'''Genie''': I was afraid of that. :'''Jafar''': Genie, grant me my first wish! I wish to rule on high <big>'''''AS SULTAN!'''''</big> :''[Outside where dark clouds circle the palace like '''[[w:Dark Cloud|Dark Cloud]]'''. The palace earthshakes. The roof rips off and the Sultan and Aladdin duck.'' :'''Aladdin''': Whoa! :'''Sultan''': Bless my soul. What is this? What's going on? Oh, my goodness, what's happening? :''[His turban lifts off his head. When the Sultan grabs it, his whole body flies up, then is stripped of all his clothes except his underwear. The clothes reappears in Jafar]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Father. :''[Jafar laughs evilly]'' :'''Sultan''': Jafar, you vile betrayer. :'''Iago''': That's Sultan Vile Betrayer to you. :'''Aladdin''': Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that! ''[pulls off his own turban, but finds it empty]'' The lamp! :'''Jafar''': Finders-keepers, Abooboo. :''[They both look up and see a gigantic Genie lift the palace into the thunder cackling. Aladdin gasps. The Genie destroys the palace. Aladdin whistles and Carpet flies up to greet him. The villagers run and scream. They fly up near the Genie's head]'' :'''Aladdin''': Genie! No! :'''Genie''': Sorry, kid--I got a new master now. :''[The Genie places the palace on top of a mountain]'' :'''Sultan''': Jafar, I order you to stop! :'''Jafar''': Ah, but there's a new order now--my order! Finally, you will bow to me! :''[The Sultan bows, but Jasmine does not]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': We'll never bow to you! :'''Iago''': Why am I not surprised? :'''Jafar''': If you will not bow before a sultan, then you will cower before a sorcerer! ''[to Genie]'' Genie, my second wish--I wish to be the most powerful sorcerer in the world! :''[Genie extends his finger. Aladdin tries to stop him, but he cannot, and another Genie (tm) brand lightning bolt strikes Jafar, returning him to his normal look]'' :'''Iago''': Ladies and gentlemen, a warm Agrabah welcome for Sorcerer Jafar! :'''Jafar''': Now where were we? Ah, yes--abject humiliation! :''[Jafar zaps Jasmine and the Sultan with his staff, and they both bow to him. Rajah comes running at him. He zaps Rajah, and the tiger turns into a kitty-cat]'' :'''Jafar''': Down, boy! Oh, princess. ''[lifts her chin with his staff]'' There's someone I'm dying to introduce you to. :'''Aladdin''': ''[off-camera]'' Jafar! Get your hands off her! :''[Jafar zaps Aladdin. Carpet flies away]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[singing]'' Prince Ali / Yes, it is he / But not as you know him / Read my lips / And come to grips / With reality / Yes, meet a blast from your past / Whose lies were too good to last / Say hello to your precious Prince Ali. :'''Iago''': Or should we say Aladdin? :'''Princess Jasmine''': Ali? :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I tried to tell you. :'''Jafar''': ''[singing]'' So Ali / Turns out to be / Merely Aladdin / Just a con / Need I go on? / Take it from me / His personality flaws / Give me adequate cause / To send him packing on a one-way trip / So his prospects take a terminal dip / His assets frozen / The venue chosen / It's the ends of the earth, whoopee / So long... :'''Iago''': Goodbye, see ya! :'''Jafar''': ''[singing]'' ...ex-Prince Ali... ''[laughs]'' :''[Jafar has zapped Abu back to normal. He sends the two of them into a tall pillar, then launches it like a rocket, but not before Carpet can get in. Fade to black, then open on to a snowy wasteland, where the pillar crashes and rolls. It finally comes to a stop. Aladdin emerges, obviously very cold]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu? ''[echoing]'' Abu! ''[He turns back to the shivering pile of snow]'' Oh, this is all my fault. I-I should have freed the genie when I had the chance! :''[Aladdin digs out Abu and cradling him inside the vest]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, are you okay? :'''Abu''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Aladdin''': I'm sorry, Abu--I made a mess of everything, somehow. I gotta go back and set things right. :''[Aladdin steps out through the snow, and he eventually steps on a frozen Carpet]'' :'''Aladdin''': Carpet! :''[Aladdin looks up and sees Carpet is pinned by the pillar. Aladdin tugs to try and free Carpet. He can't do it, so he begins to remove snow from the base of the pillar]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu, start digging! That's it! :''[Finally, enough snow has been removed, and the pillar begins to roll. Aladdin runs away, looks back, then slides into place. The pillar rolls over him, and when it is gone, Aladdin and Abu are left sitting in the patch of snow made by the window of the pillar]'' :'''Aladdin''': Yeah! All right! :''[Aladdin looks up at his turban, made out of scared Abu. Carpet shakes off the snow and runs over to pick them up]'' :'''Aladdin''': Now, back to Agrabah! Let's go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; Outside the Agrabah, shrouded in red clouds. Inside the throne room, Iago has the Sultan, dressed in jester's clothes, and Jasmine is chained next to the throne]'' :'''Iago''': Puppet ruler want a cracker? Here's your cracker. Shove 'em all the way down your throat. Here, have lots! :''[Jafar pulls the chain, and Jasmine walks up to him holding an apple]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Stop it! Jafar, leave him alone! :''[Iago stops for a second, then continues]'' :'''Jafar''': It pains me to see you reduced to this, Jasmine. ''[he takes a bite out of the apple she is holding]'' A beautiful desert bloom such as yourself should be on the arm of the most powerful man in the world. ''[he waves his finger and a crown appears]'' What do you say, my dear? Why, with you as my queen... :''[Jasmine picks up a glass of wine and throws it in his face]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Never! :'''Jafar''': I'll teach you some respect! ''[she falls back as he raises his hand to slap her, ten he stops]'' No. Genie, I have decided to make my final wish. I wish for Princess Jasmine to fall desperately in love with me. :''[We see Aladdin race back into town]'' :'''Genie''': ''[again as Buckley]'' Ah, master, there are a few addendas, some quid pro quos... :'''Jafar''': ''[whirls on him]'' Don't talk back to me, you big blue lout! :''[Jasmine looks up and sees Aladdin, peering around a window, Abu and the Carpet at his play along]'' :'''Jafar''': You will do what I order you to do, slave! :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[stands and puts the crown on her head]'' Jafar! I never realized how incredibly handsome you are. :''[The Genie's jaw drops]'' :'''Jafar''': Mmm. That's better. ''[pulls the Genie's jaw up like a shade]'' Now, pussycat, tell me more about...myself. :'''Princess Jasmine''': You're tall, dark, well dressed... :''[Jafar walks over to her. Aladdin jumps down with Abu and Genie sees them]'' :'''Genie''': Al! Al, little buddy! :'''Aladdin''': Shh! :'''Genie''': ''[literally zips his mouth shut, then unzips it]'' Al, I can't help you--I work for senor psychopath, now. ''[his head turns into Jafar's, then back]'' What are you gonna do? :'''Aladdin''': Hey--I'm a street rat, remember? ''[he rezips Genie's mouth]'' I'll improvise. :''[Aladdin slides down a pile of coins and hides close to Jafar and Jasmine. Jafar's back is to Aladdin]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Cute little gaps between your teeth. :'''Jafar''': Go on. :'''Princess Jasmine''': And your beard...is so...twisted! You've stolen my heart. :''[Jasmine has handsome arms around him. Jasmine pretends to twist with her finger, but she is actually motioned for Aladdin to come over, he makes his move. Iago sees him]'' :'''Iago''': Jaf--mmmmmm! :''[Abu grabs him and covers his mouth]'' :'''Jafar''': And the street rat? :'''Princess Jasmine''': What street rat? :''[When Iago manages to knock over a bowl. Jafar turns to look, but Jasmine grabs him back and kisses him. He looks disgusted. Iago and Abu both look disgusted]'' :'''Abu''': Yuck! :'''Jafar''': That was... ''[sees Aladdin's reflection in Jasmine's crown]'' <big>'''''YOU!'''''</big> ''[He zaps Aladdin just as he is about to reach his respective lamp. Genie watches in shock]'' How many times do I have to kill you, boy? :''[Jasmine rushes him, and he angrily throws her to the ground. Aladdin bravely rushes toward him and heroically grabs his staff]'' :'''Aladdin''': Get the lamp! :'''Jafar''': No! ''[Jasmine runs to do so, but Jafar shakes off Aladdin, but evilly zaps her into an hourglass]'' Ah, ah, ah, princess. Your time is up! :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine! :''[Sand begins to flow from the top onto her, and she immediately realizes what will happen]'' :'''Iago''': Oh, nice shot, Jaf– :''[Abu angrily knocks Iago out with the fruit bowl that fell earlier and rushes for the lamp]'' :'''Jafar''': Don't toy with me! :''[Abu is almost to the lamp, but the blast from Jafar's staff turns him into a toy monkey, with cymbals and a wind-up key]'' :'''Aladdin''': Abu! :''[Carpet rushes in and grabs the lamp as he flies side-by-side, but Jafar zaps him as well]'' :'''Jafar''': Things are unraveling fast now, boy! ''[Carpet unravels in midair, ending up as a pile of tangled threads and tassels. The lamp bounces away and lands in front of Aladdin]'' Get the point? ''[Aladdin runs for the lamp, but his path is blocked by a ring of large swords sticking in the floor. Aladdin reaches for his lamp, but the opening is too narrow for him to get far enough, and Jafar evilly grabs it]'' I'm just getting warmed up! ''[evilly breathes fire around Aladdin, setting the ring on fire. The street rat, however, yet stands his ground]'' :'''Aladdin''': <big>'''''ARE YOU AFRAID TO FIGHT ME YOURSELF, YOU COWARDLY SNAKE?!'''''</big> :'''Jafar''': ''[emerges through the fire, suddenly getting an idea from Aladdin's statements]'' A snake, am I? Perhaps you'd like to see how snake-like I can be! :''[He transformation into a snake, and the ring of fire around Aladdin becomes part of the snake encircling Aladdin. From inside the hourglass, Jasmine watches Jafar's transformation in shock. Meanwhile, Snake Jafar snaps at Aladdin twice, and on the third try, Aladdin swings the sword and hits Jafar. The giant snake yells in pain. Cut to four Genies as cheerleaders wearing "A" sweaters]'' :'''Genie''': ''[in unison]'' Rickem, rockem, rackem, rake--stick that sword into that snake! :'''Jafar''': ''[to Genie angrily]'' You stay out of this-s-s-s! :''[The Genies merge back into one and he waves a pennant, not wishing to root for his evil current master]'' :'''Genie''': ''[dryly]'' Jafar, Jafar, he's our man--if he can't do it, <big>'''''GREAT!!!'''''</big> :''[Meanwhile, Aladdin uses the distraction from his genie to make a break for the hourglass where Jasmine is trapped. However, Jafar sees this and blocks the path. Aladdin is thrown off, and loses his sword. He hears a shout from Jasmine]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Aladdin! :''[Aladdin turns to see Jasmine already knee-deep in sand. He bravely jumps on a large gem and heroically slides across the floor, bravely grabbing his sword along the road. He turns a corner, but the pursuing snake cannot, and the front half of Jafar smashes through a wall and hangs outside the palace. Aladdin bravely jumps up on the snake's back and heroically stabs him hard. Jafar shrieks in agony. Cut to Aladdin, who is once again trying to free Jasmine. At this point, she is now neck-deep in sand, and sinking fast]'' :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, hang on! :''[He is about to hit the glass with a piece of wood he caught earlier until Jafar grabs him]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[laughs hideously]'' You little fool! You thought you could defeat the most powerful being on Earth? :'''Iago''': ''[with Genie coming up behind him]'' Squeeze him, Jafar! Squeeze him like a--awk! ''[Genie elbows him out of the road, all the while trying to look innocent]'' :'''Jafar''': Without the Genie, boy, you're nothing! ''[Aladdin suddenly glances down at Genie, who shrugs his shoulders, not knowing what to do either]'' :'''Aladdin''': The Genie? ''[has an idea]'' The Genie! <big>'''''THE GENIE HAS MORE POWER THAN YOU'LL EVER HAVE!'''''</big> :'''Jafar''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Aladdin''': <big>'''''HE GAVE YOU YOUR POWER! HE CAN TAKE IT AWAY!'''''</big> :'''Genie''': ''[concerned]'' Al, what are you doing? Why are you bringing me into this? :'''Aladdin''': <big>'''''FACE IT, JAFAR, YOU'RE STILL JUST...SECOND-BEST!'''''</big> ''[Jafar thinks for a moment, and realizes Aladdin's right. Genie's "phenomenal cosmic powers" far surpass his, meaning that he yet can't call himself the most powerful being as he thought]'' :'''Jafar''': You're right, his power does exceed my own. But not for long! ''[Jafar circles around the Genie, aiming to rectify the power discrepancy between him]'' :'''Genie''': ''[hesitantly]'' The boy's crazy. He's a little punch-drunk. ''[turns his hand into a cobra puppet and beats himself with it]'' One too many hits with the snake. :'''Jafar''': ''[imperatively]'' Slave, I make my third wish!! I wish to be an all-powerful Genie! ''[Aladdin looks down at Genie from Jafar's coils, and Jasmine, who is now almost buried in sand, looks toward her captor as well. Then Genie sighs in defeat, knowing he has no choice but to comply with Jafar's request]'' :'''Genie''': ''[reluctantly]'' Alright, your wish is my command. Way to go, Al. :''[Genie zaps Jafar with the last Genie-brand lightning bolt. Jafar's snake form dissipates, freeing Aladdin and he begins his transformation into a Genie. One shies from using the word "orgasmic" in a [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Disney]] animated feature script]'' :'''Jafar''': Yes! Yes! The power! The absolute power! :''[At this point, all that remains of Jasmine before she disappears under the sand is her raised hand. Thankfully, Aladdin runs over and eventually smashes the glass. The sand, along with Jasmine pours out, and she coughs a bit. Jafar rises out of the palace and towards outer space like '''[[w:Star Wars (film)|Star Wars]]''', getting larger as his power grows. Down below, the wind blows fiercely to signal what's to follow]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[to Aladdin frightfully]'' What have you done?! :'''Aladdin''': Trust me! :''[Suddenly, a black lamp, similar to that of Genie's, appears at Jafar's base, though he is too busy manipulating the stars and planets like to notice at]'' :'''Jafar''': The universe is mine to command, to control! :'''Aladdin''': <big>'''''NOT SO FAST, JAFAR! AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?'''''</big> :''[Jafar looks down at him questioningly, confused as to what the street rat is speaking about]'' :'''Jafar''': Huh? :'''Aladdin''': <big><big>'''''YOU WANTED TO BE A GENIE, YOU'VE GOT IT!'''''</big></big> :'''Jafar''': ''[shocked]'' <big>'''''WHAT?!'''''</big> :'''Aladdin''': ''[back to normal]'' <big><big><big>'''''AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES WITH IT!'''''</big></big></big> :''[Aladdin holds up the black lamp, and it begins to suck Jafar in. He tries to escape, but its power is too strong]'' :'''Jafar''': '''''NO! NO!!''''' :'''Iago''': I'm gettin' outta here! :'''Aladdin''': <big><big><big>'''''Phenomenal cosmic powers!'''''</big></big></big> :'''Jafar''': <big>'''''NOOOOOOOOO!!!!'''''</big> :''[Iago tries to fly off, but Jafar grabs him, and he gets sucked in as well]'' :'''Iago''': Come on, you're the genie, I don't want-- :''[With one final clank, Jafar and Iago are sucked inside his lamp, and that is the last we see of them]'' :'''Aladdin''': Itty-bitty living space. :'''Genie''': ''[ruffles Aladdin's hair]'' Al, you little genius, you! :''[As a result of being trapped in his lamp, all of Jafar's magic undoes itself. First, Abu turns back into a real monkey and Carpet re-ravels himself. Next, Jasmine, the Sultan and Rajah stand together, and the tiger jumps up into the Sultan's arms. Just then, they are all transformed back into their regular clothes, and Rajah, now an adult tiger again, almost crushes him. Eventually, the palace reappears back in the ciy from where it was taken. Aladdin holds Jafar's lamp as he and Iago start arguing]'' :'''Jafar''': Get your blasted beak out of my face! :'''Iago''': Oh, shut up, you moron! :'''Jafar''': Don't tell me to shut up! :'''Genie''': Allow me. Ten thousand years in the Cave of Wonders oughtta chill him out. ''[flicks the lamp explosion into the desert]'' :'''Jafar''': ''[last words]'' Shut up! :''[Jafar and Iago continue to argue as they fade out. Jasmine walks over to Aladdin. They hold hands, but both look sad]'' :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I'm sorry I lied to you about being a prince. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I know why you did. :'''Aladdin''': Well, I guess this is goodbye. ''[Genie pokes his head around the corner shocked at what he is hearing]'' :'''Princess Jasmine''': Oh, that stupid law. This isn't fair. I love you. :'''Genie''': ''[wipes away a tear]'' Al, no problem. You still got one wish left. Just say the word and you're a prince again. :'''Aladdin''': But what about your freedom? :'''Genie''': Hey, it's only an eternity of servitude. This is love. ''[he leans down next to her]'' Al, you're not gonna find another girl like her in a million years. Believe me, I know. I've looked. :'''Aladdin''': Jasmine, I do love you. But I gotta stop pretending to be something I'm not. :'''Princess Jasmine''': I understand. :''[They take one final look into each other's eyes, then Aladdin turns to the Genie]'' :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I wish for your freedom. :'''Genie''': One prince pedigree coming up. I... What? :'''Aladdin''': ''[he holds the lamp up to Genie]'' Genie, you're free. :''[A transformation scene ensues, in which the shackles fall off Genie's wrists and the lamp falls uselessly to the ground. Genie picks it up and looks at it]'' :'''Genie''': ''[he can't believe it; laughing]'' I'm free. I'm free. ''[he hands the lamp to Aladdin]'' Quick, quick, wish for something outrageous. Say, "I want the [[Nile]]." Wish for the Nile. Try that. :'''Aladdin''': Uh, I wish for the Nile. :'''Genie''': No way. ''[laughs hysterically. He bounces around the balcony like a pinball]'' Oh, does that feel good! I'm free. I'm free at last. I'm hittin’ the road. I'm off to see the world. I'm... :''[He is packing a suitcase, but looks down and sees Aladdin looking very sad]'' :'''Aladdin''': Genie, I'm... I'm gonna miss you. :'''Genie''': ''[smiling, with a tear in his eye]'' Me too, Al. No matter what anybody says, you'll always be a prince to me. :''[They hug. The Sultan steps forward]'' :'''Sultan''': That's right. You've certainly proven your worth as far as I'm concerned. It's that law that's the problem. :'''Princess Jasmine''': Father? :'''Sultan''': Well, am I sultan or am I sultan? From this day forth, the princess shall marry whoever she deems worthy. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[she smiles widely and runs into Aladdin's arms]'' Him. I choose... I choose you, Aladdin. :'''Aladdin''': ''[laughs]'' Call me Al. :''[They are about to kiss when giant blue hands pull everybody together. Genie is decked out in a [[w:Hawaiian shirt|Hawaiian shirt]] with golf clubs and a [[Goofy]] hat]'' :'''Genie''': All of you, come over here. Big group hug. Do you mind if I kiss the monkey? ''[he kisses Abu]'' Ooh, hairball. Well, I can't do any more damage around this popsicle stand. ''[takes off]'' I'm outta here! Bye-bye, you two crazy lovebirds! Hey, Rugman, Ciao, I'm history. No, I'm mythology. I don't care what I am! I'm free-hee! :''[The Genie flies up into the blue sky leaving a trail of sparkles behind him. They cut (a jump cut to make matters worse) to fireworks exploding over a nightscape. We tilt down and see Aladdin and Jasmine flying on Carpet]'' :'''Aladdin''': ''[singing]'' A whole new world. :'''Princess Jasmine''': ''[singing]'' A whole new life. :'''Aladdin and Princess Jasmine''': ''[with off-camera chorus]'' For you and me! :'''Chorus''': A whole new world! :''[They fly off into the moonlight, and after they have disappeared, the moon turns and reveals the Genie's laughing face. Suddenly the film is grabbed "off the projector", the Genie lifts it up and looks at the audience]'' :'''Genie''': Made you look. :''[Drops the film back to normal, in a normal moon. During the credits, "Friend Like Me" song is instrumental version]'' ===PEABO BRYSON & REGINA BELLE lyrics (A Whole New World)=== :'''Peabo Bryson''': I can show you the world / Shining, shimmering, splendid / Tell me, princess, now when did / You last let your heart decide?| I can open your eyes / Take you wonder by wonder / Over, sideways and under / On a magic carpet ride...| A whole new world / A new fantastic point of view / No one to tell us no / Or where to go / Or say we're only dreaming. :'''Regina Belle''': A whole new world / A dazzling place I never knew / But now from way up here / It's crystal clear / That now I'm in a whole new world with you...| Unbelievable sights / Indescribable feeling / Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling...| Through an endless diamond sky / A whole new world. :'''Peabo Bryson''': Don't you dare close your eyes. :'''Regina Belle''': A hundred thousand things to see. :'''Peabo Bryson''': Hold your breath, it gets better. :'''Regina Belle''': I'm like a shooting star / I've come so far / I can't go back to where I used to be :'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world. :'''Regina Belle''': With new horizons to pursue. :'''Peabo Bryson''': I'll chase them anywhere / There's time to spare / Let me share this whole new world with you. :'''Regina Belle''': A whole new world. :'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world / A new fantastic point of view / No one to tell us no / Or where to go. :'''Regina Belle''': Or say we're only dreaming. :'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world. :'''Regina Belle''': Every turn a surprise. :'''Peabo Bryson''': With new horizons to pursue / Every moment red-letter. :'''Regina Belle''': I'll chase them anywhere. :'''Peabo Bryson''': There's time to spare. :'''Regina Belle''': Anywhere. :'''Peabo Bryson''': There's time to spare. :'''Regina Belle''': Let me share this whole new world with you, you / A whole new world. :'''Peabo Bryson''': A whole new world. :'''Regina Belle''': That's where we'll be. :'''Peabo Bryson''': Where we will be. :'''Regina Belle''': A thrilling chase. :'''Peabo Bryson''': A wondrous place / For you and me...|''[chorus singing]'' :'''Genie''': ''(post credits, special edition only:)'' You have been a fabulous audience! Tell you what, you're the best audience in the whole world. Take care of yourselves! Good night, Alice! Good night, Agrabah! Adios, amigos! == Taglines == * Imagine if you had three wishes, three hopes, three dreams, and they all could come true. * It is not what is outside, but what is inside that counts. * A diamond in the rough. == Cast == * [[w:Scott Weinger|Scott Weinger]] - Aladdin ** [[w:Brad Kane|Brad Kane]] (singing voice) * [[Robin Williams]] - The Genie/The Peddler ** [[w:Bruce Adler|Bruce Adler]] (singing voice of Peddler) * [[w:Jonathan Freeman (actor)|Jonathan Freeman]] - Jafar * [[w:Linda Larkin|Linda Larkin]] - Princess Jasmine ** [[w:Lea Salonga|Lea Salonga]] (singing voice) * [[Frank Welker]] - Abu/Rajah/Cave of Wonders * [[w:Gilbert Gottfried|Gilbert Gottfried]] - Iago * [[w:Douglas Seale|Douglas Seale]] - Sultan * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Razoul/Farouk * [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Prince Achmed/Necklace Merchant/Fish Merchant/Camel/Sheep * [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] - Gazeem/Melon Merchant/Nut Merchant * Carole Jeghers - Gazeem's horse * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] - Royal Guards == About ''Aladdin'' == * The supporting characters are all depicted as nasty mean, people. While the Aladdin character, Jasmine and her father speak unaccented, standard Americanized English all the bad guys speak in foreign accents. The lesson is that anyone with a foreign accent is bad. This is horrendous racism. ** [[w:Don Bustany|Don Bustany]], president of L.A. chapter of the [[w:American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee|American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee]], [http://articles.latimes.com/1993-07-10/entertainment/ca-11747_1_altered-lyric "Disney Will Alter Song in 'Aladdin' : Movies: Changes were agreed upon after Arab-Americans complained that some lyrics were racist. Some Arab groups are not satisfied."], quoted by David J. Fox, ''Los Angeles Times'', (1993-07-10). * I saw something that speculates that the peddler at the beginning of 'Aladdin' is the Genie. That's true!" :* [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/aladdin-directors-actually-confirm-crazy-fan-theory_5620fab6e4b08d94253eb6f7 "Aladdin Directors Actually Confirm Crazy Fan Theory"], interviewed by Bill Bradley, ''Huffington Post'', (10/16/2015). * One of the things [directors] Ron [Clements], John [Musker], and I were talking about was that, originally, when he came in to the first session, he said, “Do you want me to do kind of an ethnic voice for the Genie?” And we said, “No, no, just be yourself.” And we realized later that “being yourself” for Robin Williams is like being 98 different characters at once. [Laughs]. :* [[w:Eric Goldberg|Eric Goldberg]] [http://moviemezzanine.com/interview-eric-goldberg-of-aladdin/ "Interview Eric Goldberg of Aladdin"], interviewed by ''Movie Mezzanine'', (Oct 12, 2015). ==External links== {{wikipedia|Aladdin (1992 Disney film)}} {{commonscat|Aladdin (1992 film)}} * {{Official website|http://movies.disney.com/aladdin}} * {{IMDb title|0103639|Aladdin}} * {{Allmovie title|1338|Aladdin}} * {{mojo title|aladdin|Aladdin}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|1042582|Aladdin}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1992 animated films]] [[Category:1992 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Disney's Aladdin]] [[Category:Middle Eastern mythology]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Animated films set in the Middle East]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:American fantasy comedy films]] [[Category:American romantic fantasy films]] mlc1yw4oa2qs6tewpdi717vat01dqoo 4 4250 3944508 3944177 2026-05-23T15:10:28Z MABot 3002050 Bot: Archiving 1 thread (older than 10 days) to [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/16]] 3944508 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-05-9, 04:16 == * {{Vandal|Hammond Johns}} Userpage issues, removed CSD tag. [[w:WP:AB]] [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:17, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :Sorry, I wasn't trying to vandalise anything. I was just trying to fix the issues you raised. I'm new at this. I'll just leave it now & will accept any decision you make. [[User:Hammond Johns|Hammond Johns]] ([[User talk:Hammond Johns|talk]]) 05:19, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} User has been warned. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:57, 14 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-17, 02:26 == * {{Vandal|Mozang555}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Jinnahpk]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Hipponz]]. Created page [[Akhter Aly Kureshy]] ([[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Akhtar Aly Kureshy]]) [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 17 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:33, 17 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-19, 11:35 == * {{Vandal|Capitalskinspa25}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 19 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:50, 19 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-20, 14:06 == * {{Vandal|~2026-30337-22}} repeated vandalism, several temp accounts before on this article before already, so pls consider protecting the page. [[User:Icodense|Icodense]] ([[User talk:Icodense|talk]]) 14:07, 20 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:19, 20 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-22, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|Fav Jacket}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:43, 22 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:14, 22 May 2026 (UTC) 3g6z1dqs4u9zcapxxi2nwcn0r3lcgbn 0 4466 3944464 3456132 2026-05-23T13:42:33Z Saroj 2925457 removed [[Category:Feminists]]; added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944464 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Olof Palme statsminister, tidigt 70-tal.jpg|thumb|Olof Palme in the 1970s.]] '''[[w:Olof Palme|Olof Palme]]''' (January 30, 1927 – February 28, 1986) was a [[Sweden|Swedish]] Social Democratic politician. He was Prime Minister from 1969 to 1976 and from 1982 until his assassination in 1986. {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * For us, [[democracy]] is a question of human dignity. This includes the [[Civil and political rights|political liberties]], the [[Freedom of speech|right to freely express our views]], the right to criticize and to influence opinion. It embraces the right to [[health]] and [[work]], to [[education]] and [[social security]]. ** In: Nancy I. Lieber, ‎Institute for Democratic Socialism (U.S.) (1982) ''Eurosocialism and America: political economy for the 1980s.'' p. 222. *Former Prime minister [[w:Tage Erlander|Tage Erlander]] spoke on radio a year ago about ''the [[w:folkhemmet|people's home]]'' and about how he visited his senile mother at a residential hospital outside of [[w:Karlstad|Karlstad]]. When he came to visit her she told him; I'm so happy here. Everyone is so nice to me and I get good care and nice food. But who is paying for all this? Is it you Tage? And Erlander said; no I'm not paying, you're paying for this yourself mother. You have paid for this your entire life. You have grown up in this society, you have taken care of the family all these years, you have been a good citizen. And you have the right to be taken care of when you get old and infirm, not because of charity, not because you have a thick wallet, but because you are a Swedish citizen. This is your society, our society. You have the same right to this as anyone else. That is the [[welfare state]] and it is our greatest pride! **Olof Palme, August 28, 1985, in debate with the leader of the opposition before 1985 years general election. * [[Apartheid]] cannot be reformed. It has to be eliminated. ** Olof Palme, February 21, 1986: Quoted in: Roberta Seret (2011) ''World Affairs in Foreign Films: Getting the Global Picture,'' p. 122. * Human beings will find a balanced situation when they do good things not because God says it, but because they feel like doing them. ** Quoted in: V. Thomas (2009) ''The God Dilemma: To Believe Or Not to Believe,''. * They build their democratic institutions with pedantic conscientiousness. ** Palme about the [[Islamic Republic of Iran]]. Quoted in ''Vänstern och tyranniet: det galna kvartsseklet'', Per Ahlmark (1995) {{ISBN|9175662868}}, page 21. * The [[bourgeoisie]] seemed to live in the illusion that an effort for peace presupposed an almost unreserved support for the American position. The hallmark of a balanced bourgeois critique seems to be that it should be heard as little as possible. Preferably be almost silent. That it is surrounded by so many reservations that it loses every meaning and that it is guaranteed not to affect any business. ** Palme responds to the criticism from the bourgeoisie parties after his criticism directed at the US bombing of Hanoi. '''Source:''' Sveriges Radio: P3 Dokumentär - "Palmemordet". ==Quotes about== * Yet, alongside Western weaknesses, there were also serious problems for the [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] system, while the [[United States|American]] position was less bleak, in both absolute and relative terms, than the successive electoral defeats of presidents [[Gerald Ford]] and [[Jimmy Carter]] in presidential elections in 1976 and 1980 might suggest. Moreover, the failure of the Communists to benefit substantially from the changes in [[Portugal]], [[Spain]] and [[Greece]] was matched by [[Communism|Communist]] weakness elsewhere in [[Western Europe]]. [[Valéry Giscard d'Estaing|Valéry Giscard d’Estaing]], [[France|French]] President from 1974 to 1981, and [[Helmut Schmidt]], [[Germany|German]] Chancellor from 1974 to 1982, combined to act as a very strong stabilising force and to relaunch the [[European Economic Community|EEC]] project. Within the [[w:Socialist_International|Socialist International]], the so-called Socialist Triangle of [[Willy Brandt]], Olof Palme, Swedish Prime Minister, and [[w:Bruno_Kreisky|Bruno Kreisky]], [[Austria|Austrian]] Chancellor, was dominant. In [[Italy]], the [[w:Communist_Party_of_Italy|Communist Party]], the most powerful in Western Europe, adopted a ‘Euro-Communism’ that was opposed to Soviet direction. [[Enrico Berlinguer]], who became Party Secretary in 1973, a key figure, was committed to the existing democratic system and pursued what was termed the ‘[[w:Historic_compromise|historic compromise]]’ with the established Christian Democrat-dominated political system. A pact was negotiated in 1976, with the Communist Party agreeing not to try to overthrow the Christian Democratic government. Euro-Communism was a term coined in 1975 by Western European Communist leaders keen to demonstrate their democratic credentials. More generally in Western Europe, the declining position of heavy industries was a challenge to the [[trade unions]] that were central to [[Left-wing politics|left-wing]] [[political parties]], and notably to the Communists. ** [[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''The Cold War: A Military History'' (2015) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Palme, Olof}} [[Category:Prime Ministers of Sweden]] [[Category:Social democrats]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:People from Stockholm]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] [[Category:Atheists]] [[Category:1927 births]] [[Category:1986 deaths]] [[Category:Murdered people]] [[Category:People of the Cold War]] eiozp97s2zb8b8tr2v80bg5ifs55i15 0 4610 3944604 3801034 2026-05-23T21:48:40Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944604 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Nikos Kazantzakis.jpg|thumb|Behind [[all]] [[appearances]], I divine a struggling [[essence]]. I want to merge with it.]] '''[[w:Nikos Kazantzakis|Nikos Kazantzakis]]''' ([[18 February]] [[1883]] – [[26 October]] [[1957]]) was a Greek novelist, poet, playwright and philosopher. == Quotes == [[File:Nicolae Vermont - Visul lui Ulise.jpg|thumb|right|I am a mariner of [[w:Odysseus|Odysseus]] with [[heart]] of [[fire]] but with [[mind]] ruthless and [[clear]].]] [[File:Redentor.jpg|thumb|right|[[Paradise]] is here, my good man. [[God]], give me no other paradise!]] [[File:Almond flower.jpg|thumb|right|I said to the almond [[tree]]: "Speak to me of [[God]]"<br>and the almond tree blossomed.]] [[File:Riot police in Greece (17-11-1989).jpg|thumb|right|All the [[political]], [[social]], and [[economic]] improvements, all the technical [[progress]] cannot have any regenerating [[significance]], so long as our inner [[life]] remains as it is at [[present]]...]] * '''I am a mariner of Odysseus with [[heart]] of [[fire]] but with [[mind]] ruthless and clear.''' ** ''Toda Raba'' (1934) * '''We are not [[simple]] [[people]] who [[believe]] in [[happiness]];''' nor weaklings who crumple to the ground in distress at the first reverse; nor [[skeptics]] observing the bloody [[effort]] of marching [[humanity]] from the lofty heights of a mocking, sterile wit. Believing in the [[fight]], though we entertain no illusions about it, we are armed against every disappointment. ** ''Toda Raba'' (1934) * [[God]], what is all this talk put out by the popes? '''[[Paradise]] is here, my good man. God, give me no other paradise!''' ** ''Freedom and Death'' (1956) * We, who are dying, are doing better, than they, who will live. For '''Crete doesn't need householders, she needs madmen like us. These madmen make Crete immortal.''' ** ''Freedom and Death'' (1956) * All my life I struggled to stretch my mind to the breaking point, until it began to creak, in order to create a great thought which might be able to give a new meaning to life, a new meaning to death, and to console [[mankind]]. ** [http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,874166,00.html "Odyssey of Faith" in ''TIME'' magazine (6 June 1960)] * '''I said to the almond [[tree]]: "Speak to me of [[God]]."<br>and the almond tree blossomed.''' ** ''The Fratricides'' (1964) * Every perfect traveller always creates the country where he travels. ** As quoted in ''Reporter in Red China'' (1966) by Charles Taylor * '''The major and almost only theme of all my work is the struggle of man with "God"''': the unyielding, inextinguishable struggle of the naked [[worm]] called "man" against the terrifying power and darkness of the forces within him and around him. ** As quoted in ''Nikos Kazantzakis'' (1968) by Helen Kazantzakis, p. 507 * Having seen that I was not capable of using all my resources in political action, I returned to my literary activity. There lay the battlefield suited to my temperament. I wanted to make my novels the extension of my own father's struggle for liberty. But gradually, as I kept deepening my responsibility as a writer, the human problem came to overshadow political and social questions. '''All the political, social, and economic improvements, all the technical progress cannot have any regenerating significance, so long as our inner life remains as it is at present. The more the intelligence unveils and violates the secrets of Nature, the more the danger increases and the heart shrinks.''' ** As quoted in ''Nikos Kazantzakis'' (1968) by Helen Kazantzakis, p. 529 * '''You gave me your curse, holy Fathers. I give you a blessing: May you be as moral and religious as I am.''' ** In response to attempts by leaders of the Greek Orthodox church to [[w:Anathema|anathematize]] him, as quoted in ''God's Struggler : Religion in the Writings of Nikos Kazantzakis'' (1996) by Darren J. N. Middleton and Peter Bien, p. 12 * '''A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free.''' ** As quoted in ''Wisdom for the Soul : Five Millennia of Prescriptions for Spiritual Healing'' (2006) by Larry Chang, p. 412 * '''You have your brush, you have your colours, you paint paradise, then, in you go.''' ** As quoted in [https://www.jstor.org/stable/3831088 ''Journal of Modern Literature Vol. 2, No. 2, Nikos Kazantzakis'' (1971 - 1972)] === ''[[w:The Saviors of God|The Saviors of God]]'' (1923) === [[File:Cristo degli abissi.jpg|thumb|right|We come from a [[dark]] abyss, we end in a dark abyss, and we call the luminous interval [[life]].]] :<small> ''Ασκητική. Salvatores dei'' [''Ascesis : The Saviors of God''] (1923). written in 1923; Published in English as [http://www.angel.net/~nic/askitiki.html ''The Saviors of God : Spiritual Exercises'' (1960)] as translated by Kimon Friar; Excerpts later published in ''The Rock Garden : A Novel'' (1963)</small> [[File:Glory, spectre.jpg|thumb|right|With [[clarity]] and quiet, I look upon the [[world]] and say: [[All]] that I [[see]], [[hear]], [[taste]], [[smell]], and touch are the creations of my [[mind]].]] '''Prologue''' * '''We come from a dark abyss, we end in a dark abyss, and we call the luminous interval life.''' As soon as we are born the return begins, at once the setting forth and the coming back; we die in every moment. Because of this many have cried out: The goal of life is death! But as soon as we are born we begin the struggle to create, to compose, to turn matter into life; we are born in every moment. Because of this many have cried out: The goal of ephemeral life is immortality! In the temporary living organism these two streams collide … both opposing forces are holy. It is our duty, therefore, to grasp that vision which can embrace and harmonize these two enormous, timeless, and indestructible forces, and with this vision to modulate our thinking and our action. '''The Preparation : First Duty''' [[File:Deerfire.jpg|thumb|right|Do not say, "Draw the curtain that I may see the [[painting]]." The curtain is the painting.]] * '''With clarity and quiet, I look upon the world and say: All that I see, hear, taste, smell, and touch are the creations of my mind.''' <br> The sun comes up and the sun goes down in my skull. Out of one of my temples the sun rises, and into the other the sun sets.<br> The stars shine in my brain; ideas, men, animals browse in my temporal head; songs and weeping fill the twisted shells of my ears and storm the air for a moment. * "I do not know whether behind appearances there lives and moves a secret essence superior to me. Nor do I ask; I do not care. I create phenomena in swarms, and paint with a full palette a gigantic and gaudy curtain before the abyss. '''Do not say, "Draw the curtain that I may see the painting." The curtain is the painting.''' * To SEE and accept the boundaries of the human mind without vain rebellion, and in these severe limitations to work ceaselessly without protest — this is where man's first duty lies. * '''I subdue matter and force it to become my mind's good medium. I rejoice in plants, in animals, in man and in gods, as though they were my children. I feel all the universe nestling about me and following me as though it were my own body.''' '''The Preparation : Second Duty''' [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|right|I am a [[weak]], ephemeral creature made of mud and [[dream]]. But I [[feel]] all the [[powers]] of the [[universe]] whirling within me.]] * '''I will not accept boundaries; appearances cannot contain me'''; I choke! To bleed in this agony, and to live it profoundly, is the second duty. <br> '''The mind is patient and adjusts itself, it likes to play; but the heart grows savage and will not condescend to play; it stifles and rushes to tear apart the nets of necessity.''' * '''Behind all appearances, I divine a struggling essence. I want to merge with it. <br> I feel that behind appearances this struggling essence is also striving to merge with my heart. But the body stands between us and separates us. The mind stands between us and separates us. * Never acknowledge the limitations of man. Smash all boundaries! Deny whatever your eyes see. Die every moment, but say: "Death does not exist." * '''I am a weak, ephemeral creature made of mud and dream. But I feel all the powers of the universe whirling within me.''' * I strive to discover how to signal my companions before I die, how to give them a hand, how to spell out for them in time one complete word at least, to tell them what I think this procession is, and toward what we go. And how necessary it is for all of us together to put our steps and hearts in harmony.<br> To say in time a simple word to my companions, a password, like conspirators.<br> Yes, the purpose of Earth is not life, it is not man. Earth has existed without these, and it will live on without them. They are but the ephemeral sparks of its violent whirling. <br> '''Let us unite, let us hold each other tightly, let us merge our hearts, let us create — so long as the warmth of this earth endures, so long as no earthquakes, cataclysms, icebergs or comets come to destroy us — let us create for Earth a brain and a heart, let us give a human meaning to the superhuman struggle.''' <br> This anguish is our second duty. '''The Preparation : Third Duty''' [[File:Egg Nebula.jpg|thumb|right|[[Free]] [[yourself]] from the [[terror]] of the [[heart]] that seeks and [[hopes]] to find the [[essence]] of things.]] [[File:Blake jacobsladder.jpg|thumb|right|Where are we going? Do not ask! Ascend, descend. There is no [[beginning]] and no [[end]].]] [[File:Arnold Böcklin 008.jpg|thumb|right|I [[love]], I [[feel]] [[pain]], I struggle. The [[world]] seems to me wider than the [[mind]], my [[heart]] a [[dark]] and almighty [[mystery]].]] * The moment is ripe: leave the heart and the mind behind you, go forward, take the third step. <br> '''Free yourself from the simple complacency of the mind that thinks to put all things in order and hopes to subdue phenomena. Free yourself from the terror of the heart that seeks and hopes to find the essence of things.'''<br> Conquer the last, the greatest temptation of all: Hope. This is the third duty. * I hold the brimming wineglass and relive the toils of my grandfathers and great-grandfathers. The sweat of my labor runs down like a fountain from my tall, intoxicated brow.<br> I am a sack filled with meat and bones, blood, sweat, and tears, desires and visions. * '''Where are we going? Do not ask! Ascend, descend. There is no beginning and no end.''' Only this present moment exists, full of bitterness, full of sweetness, and I rejoice in it all. * I surrender myself to everything. I love, I feel pain, I struggle. The world seems to me wider than the mind, my heart a dark and almighty mystery. * Nothing exists! Neither life nor death. I watch mind and matter hunting each other like two nonexistent erotic phantasms — merging, begetting, disappearing — and I say: "This is what I want!" <br> I know now: '''I do not hope for anything. I do not fear anything, I have freed myself from both the mind and the heart, I have mounted much higher, I am free.''' [Δεν ελπίζω τίποτα, δεν φοβούμαι τίποτα, λυτρώθηκα από το νου κι από την καρδιά, ανέβηκα πιο πάνω, είμαι λεύτερος.] This is what I want. I want nothing more. I have been seeking freedom. ** This passage was used for Kazantzakis' epitaph: "Δεν ελπίζω τίποτα, δε φοβούμαι τίποτα, είμαι λεύτερος<!--[sic]-->." ** '''I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free.''' ** Variant translation: '''I expect nothing. I fear no one. I am free.''' '''The March''' [[File:March.svg|thumb|right|This is the [[moment]] of greatest [[crisis]]. This is the [[signal]] for the March to begin. If you do not hear this Cry tearing at your entrails, do not set out.]] * '''Gather your strength and listen; the whole heart of man is a single outcry.''' Lean against your breast to hear it; someone is struggling and shouting within you. <br> It is your duty every moment, day and night, in joy or in sorrow, amid all daily necessities, to discern this Cry with vehemence or restraint, according to your nature, with laughter or with weeping, in action or in thought, striving to find out who is imperiled and cries out. <br> And how we may all be mobilized together to free him. * Amidst our greatest happiness someone within us cries out: "I am in pain! I want to escape your happiness! I am stifling!" <br> Amidst our deepest despair someone within us cries out: "I do not despair! I fight on! I grasp at your head, I unsheathe myself from your body, I detach myself from the earth, '''I cannot be contained in brains, in names, in deeds!'''" * '''This is the moment of greatest crisis.''' This is the signal for the March to begin. If you do not hear this Cry tearing at your entrails, do not set out. * Which of the two eternal roads shall I choose? Suddenly I know that my whole life hangs on this decision — the life of the entire Universe. <br> '''Of the two, I choose the ascending path.''' Why? For no intelligible reason, without any certainty; I know how ineffectual the mind and all the small certainties of man can be in this moment of crisis. <br> '''I choose the ascending path because my heart drives me toward it.''' "Upward! Upward! Upward!" my heart shouts, and I follow it trustingly. * '''Someone within me is struggling to lift a great weight, to cast off the mind and flesh by overcoming habit, laziness, necessity.''' <br> I do not know from where he comes or where he goes. I clutch at his onward march in my ephemeral breast, I listen to his panting struggle, I shudder when I touch him. '''First Step : The Ego''' [[File:Pegasus Lequesne Palais Garnier.jpg|thumb|right|I put my [[body]] through its paces like a [[war]] [[horse]]; I keep it lean, sturdy, prepared.]] [[File:Nikos Kazantzakis Statue in Heraklion.jpg|thumb|right| It is my [[duty]], and mine alone, to [[save]] the [[earth]]. If it is not saved, then I alone am to [[blame]].]] [[File:Laser Towards Milky Ways Centre.jpg|thumb|right| Your [[passions]] and your [[thoughts]] are older than your [[heart]] or [[brain]].]] * I am not the light, I am the night; but a flame stabs through my entrails and consumes me. '''I am the night devoured by light.''' * '''I put my body through its paces like a war horse; I keep it lean, sturdy, prepared.''' I harden it and I pity it. I have no other steed. <br> I keep my brain wide awake, lucid, unmerciful. I unleash it to battle relentlessly so that, all light, it may devour the darkness of the flesh. I have no other workshop where I may transform darkness into light. <br> I keep my heart flaming, courageous, restless. '''I feel in my heart all commotions and all contradictions, the joys and sorrows of life. But I struggle to subdue them to a rhythm superior to that of the mind, harsher than that of my heart — to the ascending rhythm of the Universe.''' * The Cry within me is a call to arms. It shouts: "I, the Cry, am the Lord your God! I am not an asylum. I am not hope and a home. I am not the Father nor the Son nor the Holy Ghost. I am your General! <br> "You are not my slave, nor a plaything in my hands. You are not my friend, you are not my child. You are my comrade-in-arms! <br> "Hold courageously the passes which I entrusted to you; do not betray them. You are in duty bound, and you may act heroically by remaining at your own battle station. <br> "Love danger. What is most difficult? That is what I want! Which road should you take? The most craggy ascent! It is the one I also take: follow me! * "'''Love responsibility. Say: "It is my duty, and mine alone, to save the earth. If it is not saved, then I alone am to blame." '''<br> "Love each man according to his contribution in the struggle. Do not seek friends; seek comrades-in-arms. * '''I am NOT nothing!''' A vaporous phosphorescence on a damp meadow, a miserable [[worm]] that crawls and loves, that shouts and talks about wings for an hour or two until his mouth is blocked with earth. The dark powers give no other answer. <br> But within me a deathless Cry, superior to me, continues to shout. For whether I want to or not, '''I am also, without doubt, a part of the visible and the invisible Universe. We are one.''' * '''I am not alone in my fear, nor alone in my hope, nor alone in my shouting.''' A tremendous host, an onrush of the Universe fears, hopes, and shouts with me. <br> '''I am an improvised bridge, and when Someone passes over me, I crumble away behind Him.''' '''Second Step: The Race''' [[File:Square1.jpg|thumb|right|Everything you do reverberates throughout a thousand [[destinies]]. As you walk, you cut open and create that river bed into which the stream of your descendants shall enter and flow.]] * It is not you talking, but innumerable ancestors talking with your mouth. It is not you who desire, but innumerable generations of descendants longing with your heart. <br> Your dead do not lie in the ground. They have become birds, trees, air. You sit under their shade, you are nourished by their flesh, you inhale their breathing. They have become ideas and passions, they determine your will and your actions. <br> Future generations do not move far from you in an uncertain time. They live, desire, and act in your loins and your heart. <br> '''In this lightning moment when you walk the earth, your first duty, by enlarging your ego, is to live through the endless march, both visible and invisible, of your own being.''' * '''You are not free. Myriad invisible hands hold your hands and direct them.''' When you rise in anger, a great-grandfather froths at your mouth; when you make love, an ancestral caveman growls with lust; when you sleep, tombs open in your memory till your skull brims with ghosts. * '''"Do not die that we may not die," the dead cry out within you.''' "We had no time to enjoy the women we desired; be in time, sleep with them! We had no time to turn our thoughts into deeds; turn them into deeds! We had no time to grasp and to crystallize the face of our hope; make it firm!" … <br> But '''you must choose with care whom to hurl down again into the chasms of your blood, and whom you shall permit to mount once more into the light and the earth.''' * '''Enlighten the dark blood of your ancestors, shape their cries into speech, purify their will, widen their narrow, unmerciful brows.''' This is your second duty. <br> For you are not only a slave. As soon as you were born, a new possibility was born with you, a free heartbeat stormed through the great sunless heart of your race. * '''Everything you do reverberates throughout a thousand destinies.''' As you walk, you cut open and create that river bed into which the stream of your descendants shall enter and flow. * You are not a miserable and momentary body; behind your fleeting mask of clay, a thousand-year-old face lies in ambush. '''Your passions and your thoughts are older than your heart or brain.''' * Your first duty, in completing your service to your race, is to feel within you all your ancestors. Your second duty is to throw light on their onrush and to continue their work. '''Your third duty is to pass on to your son the great mandate to surpass you.''' '''Third Step : Mankind''' [[File:Robot_Arm_Over_Earth_with_Sunburst_-_GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|right| The [[heart]] unites whatever the [[mind]] separates, pushes on beyond the arena of [[necessity]] and transmutes the struggle into [[love]].]] * It is not you talking. Nor is it your race only which shouts within you, for all the innumerable races of mankind shout and rush within you: white, yellow, black.<br> '''Free yourself from race also; fight to live through the whole struggle of man.''' * Look upon men and pity them. Look at yourself amid all men and pity yourself. In the obscure dusk of life we touch and fumble at each other, we ask questions, we listen, we shout for help. * The centuries are thick, dark waves that rise and fall, steeped in blood. Every moment is a gaping abyss. <br> Gaze on the dark sea without staggering, confront the abyss every moment without illusion or impudence or fear. … But this is not enough; take a further step: battle to give meaning to the confused struggles of man. * '''The heart unites whatever the mind separates, pushes on beyond the arena of necessity and transmutes the struggle into love.''' * Gather together in your heart all terrors, recompose all details. '''Salvation is a circle; close it!''' '''Fourth Step : The Earth''' [[File:As08-16-2593.jpg|thumb|right|[[Earth]] rises up in your [[brains]] and sees her entire [[body]] for the first [[time]].]] * The entire [[Earth]], with her trees and her waters, with her animals, with her men and her gods, calls from within your breast. <br> '''Earth rises up in your brains and sees her entire body for the first time.''' * I recall an endless desert of infinite and flaming matter. I am burning! I pass through immeasurable, unorganized time, completely done, despairing, crying in the wilderness. <br> And slowly the flame subsides, the womb of matter grows cool, the stone comes alive, breaks open, and a small green leaf uncurls into the air, trembling. It clutches the soil, steadies itself, raises its head and hands, grasps the air, the water, the light, and sucks at the Universe. * Only now, as we feel the onslaught behind us, do we begin dimly to apprehend why the animals fought, begot, and died; and behind them the plants; and behind these the huge reserve of inorganic forces. <br> We are moved by pity, gratitude, and esteem for our old comrades-in-arms. They toiled, loved, and died to open a road for our coming. <br> We also toil with the same delight, agony, and exaltation for the sake of Someone Else who with every courageous deed of ours proceeds one step farther. <br> All our struggle once more will have a purpose much greater than we, wherein our toils, our miseries, and our crimes will have become useful and holy. '''The Vision''' [[File:Sisyphus by von Stuck.jpg|thumb|right|Every [[word]], every [[deed]], every [[thought]] is the heavy gravestone he is [[forever]] trying to lift.]] [[File:Whirpool Galaxy.jpg|thumb|right|[[All]] [[hopes]] and [[despairs]] vanish in the voracious, funneling [[whirlwind]] of [[God]].]] [[File:M51 whirlpool galaxy black hole.jpg|thumb|right|Like every other [[living]] thing, I also am in the center of the [[Cosmic]] whirlpool.]] [[File:Sagittarius A Light bulb.jpg|thumb|right| Let us transfix this [[momentary]] [[eternity]] which encloses [[everything]], [[past]] and [[future]], but without losing in the immobility of [[language]] any of its gigantic [[erotic]] whirling.]] * The bodies breathe, feed, store up strength, and then in an erotic moment are shattered, are spent and drained utterly, that they may bequeath their spirit to their sons. What spirit? The drive upward! * Behind the stream of my mind and body, behind the stream of my race and all mankind, behind the stream of plants and animals, I watch with trembling the Invisible, treading on all visible things and ascending. <br> Behind his heavy and blood-splattered feet I hear all living things being trampled on and crushed. <br> His face is without laughter, dark and silent, beyond joy and sorrow, beyond hope. * It is as though we had buried Someone we thought dead, and now hear him calling in the night: Help me! Heaving and panting, he raises the gravestone of our soul and body higher and still higher, breathing more freely at every moment. <br> Every word, every deed, every thought is the heavy gravestone he is forever trying to lift. And my own body and all the visible world, all heaven and earth, are the gravestone which God is struggling to heave upward. * '''God huddles in a knot in every cell of flesh.''' <br> When I break a fruit open, this is how every seed is revealed to me. When I speak to men, this what I discern in their thick and muddy brains. <br> God struggles in every thing, his hands flung upward toward the light. What light? Beyond and above every thing! * Pain is not the only essence of our God, nor is hope in a future life or a life on this earth, neither joy nor victory. Every religion that holds up to worship one of these primordial aspects of God narrows our hearts and our minds. <br> '''The essence of our God is STRUGGLE. Pain, joy, and hope unfold and labor within this struggle, world without end.''' * '''From every joy and pain a hope leaps out eternally to escape this pain and to widen joy.''' <br> And again the ascent begins — which is pain — and joy is reborn and new hope springs up once more. The circle never closes. It is not a circle, but a spiral which ascends eternally, ever widening, enfolding and unfolding the triune struggle. * What is the purpose of this struggle? This is what the wretched self-seeking mind of man is always asking, forgetting that '''the Great Spirit does not toil within the bounds of human time, place, or casualty. <br> The Great Spirit is superior to these human questionings.''' It teems with many rich and wandering drives which to our shallow minds seem contradictory; but in the essence of divinity they fraternize and struggle together, faithful comrades-in-arms. <br> '''The primordial Spirit branches out, overflows, struggles, fails, succeeds, trains itself. It is the Rose of the Winds.''' * '''All hopes and despairs vanish in the voracious, funneling whirlwind of God.''' God laughs, wails, kills, sets us on fire, and then leaves us in the middle of the way, charred embers. <br> And I rejoice to feel between my temples, in the flicker of an eyelid, the beginning and the end of the world. <br> I condense into a lightning moment the seeding, sprouting, blossoming, fructifying, and the disappearance of every tree, animal, man, star, and god. <br> All Earth is a seed planted in the coils of my mind. Whatever struggles for numberless years to unfold and fructify in the dark womb of matter bursts in my head like a small and silent lightning flash. <br> Ah! let us gaze intently on this lightning flash, let us hold it for a moment, let us arrange it into human speech. <br> '''Let us transfix this momentary eternity which encloses everything, past and future, but without losing in the immobility of language any of its gigantic erotic whirling.''' * Every word is an Ark of the Covenant around which we dance and shudder, divining God to be its dreadful inhabitant. <br>You shall never be able to establish in words that you live in ecstasy. But struggle unceasingly to establish it in words. Battle with myths, with comparisons, with allegories, with rare and common words, with exclamations and rhymes, to embody it in flesh, to transfix it! <br> God, the Great Ecstatic, works in the same way. He speaks and struggles to speak in every way He can, with seas and with fires, with colors, with wings, with horns, with claws, with constellations and butterflies, that he may establish His ecstasy. <br> '''Like every other living thing, I also am in the center of the Cosmic whirlpool.''' * God confronts me with terror and love — for I am His only hope — and says: "'''This Ecstatic, who gives birth to all things, who rejoices in them all and yet destroys them, this Ecstatic is my Son!'''" '''The Action : The Relationship Between God and Man''' [[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|right|We have seen the highest [[circle]] of spiraling [[powers]]. We have [[named]] this circle [[God]]...]] [[File:Electricsheep-18467.jpg|thumb|right|Our [[God]] is not an abstract [[thought]], a [[logical]] [[necessity]], a high and [[harmonious]] structure made of deductions and speculations.]] [[File:Electricsheep-3052.jpg|thumb|right|Every [[body]], every [[soul]] is a [[Holy]] Sepulcher. Every seed of grain is a Holy Sepulchre; let us [[free]] it!]] [[File:Universeglass.JPG|thumb|right|It is not [[God]] who will [[save]] us — it is we who will save God, by battling, by creating, and by transmuting matter into [[spirit]].]] [[File:Гергий-победоносец.jpg|thumb|right|My [[prayer]] is the report of a [[soldier]] to his general: This is what I did today, this is how I [[fought]] to save the entire battle in my own sector, these are the obstacles I encountered, this is how I plan to fight tomorrow.]] * The ultimate most holy form of theory is action. <br> Not to look on passively while the spark leaps from generation to generation, but to leap and to burn with it! * '''Our profound human duty is not to interpret or to cast light on the rhythm of God's arch, but to adjust, as much as we can, the rhythm of our small and fleeting life to his.''' <br> Only thus may we mortals succeed in achieving something immortal, because then we collaborate with One who is Deathless. <br> Only thus may we conquer mortal sin, the concentration on details, the narrowness of our brains; only thus may we transubstantiate into freedom the slavery of earthen matter given us to mold. * Amid all these things, beyond all these things every man and nation, every plant and animal, every god and demon, charges upward like an army inflamed by an incomprehensible, unconquerable Spirit. <br> We struggle to make this Spirit visible, to give it a face, to encase it in words, in allegories and thoughts and incantations, that it may not escape us. <br> But it cannot be contained in the twentysix letters of an alphabet which we string out in rows; we know that all these words, these allegories, these thoughts, and these incantations are, once more, but a new mask with which to conceal the Abyss. * '''We have seen the highest circle of spiraling powers. We have named this circle God. We might have given it any other name we wished: Abyss, Mystery, Absolute Darkness, Absolute Light, Matter, Spirit, Ultimate Hope, Ultimate Despair, Silence. <br> But we have named it God because only this name, for primordial reasons, can stir our hearts profoundly.''' And this deeply felt emotion is indispensable if we are to touch, body with body, the dread essence beyond logic.<br> Within this gigantic circle of divinity we are in duty bound to separate and perceive clearly the small, burning arc of our epoch. ** Unsourced variant or paraphrase: … We might have given it any name we wished: Abyss, Absolute Darkness, Absolute Light, Matter, Spirit, Ultimate Hope, Ultimate Despair, Silence. But never forget, it is we who give it a name. * '''I do not care what face other ages and other people have given to the enormous, faceless essence.''' They have crammed it with human virtues, with rewards and punishments, with certain ties. They have given a face to their hopes and fears, they have submitted their anarchy to a rhythm, they have found a higher justification by which to live and labor. '''They have fulfilled their duty. <br> But today we have gone beyond these needs; we have shattered this particular mask of the Abyss; our God no longer fits under the old features.''' <br> Our hearts have overbrimmed with new agonies, with new luster and silence. '''The mystery has grown savage, and God has grown greater.''' The dark powers ascend, for they have also grown greater, and the entire human island quakes. <br> '''Let us stoop down to our hearts and confront the Abyss valiantly.''' Let us try to mold once more, with our flesh and blood, the new, contemporary face of God. <br> '''For our God is not an abstract thought, a logical necessity, a high and harmonious structure made of deductions and speculations. <br> He is not an immaculate, neutral, odorless, distilled product of our brains, neither male nor female. <br> He is both man and woman, mortal and immortal, dung and spirit. He gives birth, fecundates, slaughters — death and eros in one — and then he begets and slays once more, dancing spaciously beyond the boundaries of a logic which cannot contain the antinomies.''' * God is imperiled. He is not almighty, that we may cross our hands, waiting for certain victory. He is not all-holy, that we may wait trustingly for him to pity and to save us. <br> '''Within the province of our ephemeral flesh all of God is imperiled. He cannot be saved unless we save him with our own struggles; nor can we be saved unless he is saved. <br> We are one.''' From the blind [[worm]] in the depths of the ocean to the endless arena of the Galaxy, only one person struggles and is imperiled: You. And within your small and earthen breast only one thing struggles and is imperiled: the Universe. * '''We must understand well that we do not proceed from a unity of God to the same unity of God again.''' We do not proceed from one chaos to another chaos, neither from one light to another light, nor from one darkness to another darkness. What would be the value of our life then? What would be the value of all life? <br> But we set out from an almighty chaos, from a thick abyss of light and darkness tangled. And we struggle — plants, animals, men, ideas — in this momentary passage of individual life, to put in order the Chaos within us, to cleanse the abyss, to work upon as much darkness as we can within our bodies and to transmute it into light. * '''We do not struggle for ourselves, nor for our race, not even for humanity. <br> We do not struggle for Earth, nor for ideas.''' All these are the precious yet provisional stairs of our ascending God, and they crumble away as soon as he steps upon them in his ascent. <br> In the smallest lightning flash of our lives, we feel all of God treading upon us, and suddenly we understand: if we all desire it intensely, if we organize all the visible and invisible powers of earth and fling them upward, if we all battle together like fellow combatants eternally vigilant — then the Universe might possibly be saved. <br> '''It is not God who will save us — it is we who will save God, by battling, by creating, and by transmuting matter into spirit.''' * '''Life is a crusade in the service of God.''' Whether we wished to or not, we set out as crusaders to free — not the Holy Sepulchre — but that God buried in matter and in our souls. <br> '''Every body, every soul is a Holy Sepulcher. Every seed of grain is a Holy Sepulchre; let us free it!''' The brain is a Holy Sepulchre, God sprawls within it and battles with death; let us run to his assistance! * '''My prayer is not the whimpering of a beggar nor a confession of love. Nor is it the petty reckoning of a small tradesman''': Give me and I shall give you. <br> My prayer is the report of a soldier to his general: '''This is what I did today, this is how I fought to save the entire battle in my own sector, these are the obstacles I encountered, this is how I plan to fight tomorrow.''' * My God and I are horsemen galloping in the burning sun or under drizzling rain. Pale, starving, but unsubdued, we ride and converse. <br>"Leader!" I cry. He turns his face toward me, and I shudder to confront his anguish. <br> Our love for each other is rough and ready, we sit at the same table, we drink the same wine in this low tavern of life. '''The Action : The Relationship Between Man and Man''' [[File:Morning-glory-flower.jpg|thumb|right|What is our [[duty]]? To struggle so that a small [[flower]] may blossom from the dunghill of our flesh and [[mind]].]] [[File:Acrux.png|thumb|right|The [[star]] [[dies]], but the [[light]] never dies; such also is the cry of [[freedom]].]] [[File:Canova-Psyche Revived By Cupids Kiss detail arm framing.jpg|thumb|right|Eros? What other name may we give that impetus which becomes enchanted as soon as it casts its glance on matter and then longs to impress its features upon it?]] [[File:JUL Iris Soul Palm.png|thumb|right|At every [[moment]] of crisis an array of men risk their lives in the front ranks as standard-bearers of [[God]] to [[fight]] and take upon themselves the whole [[responsibility]] of the battle.]] [[File:Light dispersion conceptual.gif|thumb|right| This is our epoch, [[good]] or [[bad]], [[beautiful]] or [[ugly]], rich or poor — we did not [[choose]] it. ]] [[File:RWHollywoodBowl1-cover.JPG|thumb|right|[[Die]] every day. Be [[born]] every day. Deny everything you have every day. The superior [[virtue]] is not to be free but to [[fight]] for [[freedom]].]] [[File:Halo in cirrostratus 1.jpg|thumb|right| Do not condescend to ask: "Shall we [[conquer]]? Shall we be conquered?" [[Fight]] on!]] * '''What is the essence of our God? The struggle for freedom.''' In the indestructible darkness a flaming line ascends and emblazons the march of the Invisible. What is our duty? To ascend with this blood-drenched line. <br> '''Whatever rushes upward and helps God to ascend is good. Whatever drags downward and impedes God from ascending is evil.''' <br> All virtues and all evils take on a new value. They are freed from the moment and from earth, they exist completely within man, before and after man, eternally. <br> For the essence of our ethic is not the salvation of man, who varies within time and space, but the salvation of God, who within a wide variety of flowing human forms and adventures is always the same, the indestructible rhythm which battles for freedom. <br> We, as human beings, are all miserable persons, heartless, small, insignificant. But within us a superior essence drives us ruthlessly upward. <br> From within this human mire divine songs have welled up, great ideas, violent loves, an unsleeping assault full of mystery, without beginning or end, without purpose, beyond every purpose. * Humanity is such a lump of mud, each one of us is such a lump of mud. '''What is our duty? To struggle so that a small flower may blossom from the dunghill of our flesh and mind.''' <br> Out of things and flesh, out of hunger, out of fear, out of virtue and sin, struggle continually to create God. * How does the light of a star set out and plunge into black eternity in its immortal course? '''The star dies, but the light never dies; such also is the cry of freedom.''' <br> Out of the transient encounter of contrary forces which constitute your existence, strive to create whatever immortal thing a mortal may create in this world — a Cry. <br> And this Cry, abandoning to the earth the body which gave it birth, proceeds and labors eternally. * A vehement eros runs through the Universe. It is like the ether: harder than steel, softer than air. <br> It cuts through and passes beyond all things, it flees and escapes. * '''Eros? What other name may we give that impetus which becomes enchanted as soon as it casts its glance on matter and then longs to impress its features upon it?''' It confronts the body and longs to pass beyond it, to merge with the other erotic cry hidden in that body, to become one till both may vanish and become deathless by begetting sons. <br> It approaches the soul and wishes to merge with it inseparably so that "you" and "I" may no longer exist; it blows on the mass of man — kind and wishes, by smashing the resistances of mind and body, to merge all breaths into one violent gale that may lift the earth! <br> In moments of crisis this Erotic Love swoops down on men and joins them together by force — friends and foes, good and evil. It is a breath superior to all of them, independent of their desires and deeds. It is the spirit, the breathing of God on earth. <br> It descends on men in whatever form it wishes — as dance, as eros, as hunger, as religion, as slaughter. It does not ask our permission. * '''At every moment of crisis an array of men risk their lives in the front ranks as standard-bearers of God to fight and take upon themselves the whole responsibility of the battle.''' <br> Once long ago it was the priests, the kings, the noblemen, or the burghers who created civilizations and set divinity free. <br> Today God is the common worker made savage by toil and rage and hunger * Cries rise up on every side. Who shouts? It is we who shout — the living, the dead, and the unborn. But at once we are crushed by fear, and we fall silent. <br> And then we forget — out of laziness, out of habit, out of cowardice. But suddenly the Cry tears at our entrails once more, like an eagle. <br> For the Cry is not outside us, it does not come from a great distance that we may escape it. It sits in the center of our hearts, and cries out. <br> God shouts: "Burn your houses! I am coming! Whoever has a house cannot receive me! <br> "Burn your ideas, smash your thoughts! '''Whoever has found the solution cannot find me.'''" * '''This is our epoch, good or bad, beautiful or ugly, rich or poor — we did not choose it.''' This is our epoch, the air we breathe, the mud given us, the bread, the fire, the spirit! <br> '''Let us accept Necessity courageously.''' It is our lot to have fallen on fighting times. Let us tighten our belts, let us arm our hearts, our minds, and our bodies. Let us take our place in battle! * '''It is our duty to help liberate that God who is stifling in us, in mankind, in masses of people living in darkness.''' <br> We must be ready at any moment to give up our lives for his sake. For life is not a goal; it is also an instrument, like death, like beauty, like virtue, like knowledge. Whose instrument? Of that God who fights for freedom. <br> '''We are all one, we are all an imperiled essence.''' If at the far end of the world a spirit degenerates, it drags down our spirit into its own degradation. If one mind at the far end of the world sinks into idiocy, our own temples over-brim with darkness. <br> For it is only One who struggles at the far end of earth and sky. One. And if He goes lost, it is we who must bear the responsibility. '''If He goes lost, then we go lost. <br> This is why the salvation of the Universe is also our salvation, why solidarity among men is no longer a tenderhearted luxury but a deep necessity and self-preservation, as much a necessity as, in an army under fire, the salvation of your comrade-in-arms.''' * '''The essence of our God is obscure.''' It ripens continuously; perhaps victory is strenghened with our every valorous deed, but perhaps even all these agonizing struggles toward deliverance and victory are inferior to the nature of divinity. <br> '''Whatever it might be, we fight on without certainty, and our virtue, uncertain of any rewards, acquires a profound nobility.''' * God cries to my heart: "Save me!" <br> God cries to men, to animals, to plants, to matter: "Save me!" <br> Listen to your heart and follow him. Shatter your body and awake: We are all one. <br> Love man because you are he. <br> Love animals and plants because you were they, and now they follow you like faithful co-workers and slaves. <br> Love your body; only with it may you fight on this earth and turn matter into spirit. <br> Love matter. God clings to it tooth and nail, and fights. Fight with him. <br> '''Die every day. Be born every day. Deny everything you have every day. The superior virtue is not to be free but to fight for freedom.''' <br> Do not condescend to ask: "Shall we conquer? Shall we be conquered?" Fight on! '''The Action : The Relationship between Man and Nature''' [[File:Soap bubble sky.jpg|thumb|right|[[All]] this [[world]], all this rich, endless flow of [[appearances]] is not a [[deception]], a multicolored phantasmagoria of our [[mirroring]] [[mind]]. Nor is it [[absolute]] [[reality]] which [[lives]] and [[evolves]] freely, independent of our mind's [[power]].]] [[File:Cicada shedding.jpg|thumb|right|Even the most [[humble]] [[insect]] and the most insignificant [[idea]] are the military encampments of [[God]].]] [[File:The Realm of Rane - by Jeroen van Valkenburg.PNG|thumb|right|Contend with the [[powers]] of [[nature]], [[force]] them to the yoke of superior [[purpose]]. Free that [[spirit]] which struggles within them and longs to mingle with that spirit which struggles within you.]] [[File:LightningOverEdson.JPG|thumb|right|In a violent flash of [[lightning]] I discern on the highest peak of [[power]] the final, the most fearful pair embracing…]] * '''All this world, all this rich, endless flow of appearances is not a deception, a multicolored phantasmagoria of our mirroring mind. Nor is it absolute reality which lives and evolves freely, independent of our mind's power.'''<br> It is not the resplendent robe which arrays the mystic body of God. Nor the obscurely translucent partition between man and mystery. <br> All this world that we see, hear, and touch is that accessible to the human senses, a condensation of the two enormous powers of the Universe permeated with all of God. * One power descends and wants to scatter, to come to a standstill, to die. The other power ascends and strives for freedom, for immortality. <br> '''These two armies, the dark and the light, the armies of life and of death, collide eternally.''' * '''Even the most humble insect and the most insignificant idea are the military encampments of God.''' Within them, all of God is arranged in fighting position for a critical battle. <br> Even in the most meaningless particle of earth and sky I hear God crying out: "Help me!"<br> Everything is an egg in which God's sperm labors without rest, ceaselessly. Innumerable forces within and without it range themselves to defend it. <br> With the light of the brain, with the flame of the heart, I besiege every cell where God is jailed, seeking, trying, hammering to open a gate in the fortress of matter, to create a gap through which God may issue in heroic attack. * '''Contend with the powers of nature, force them to the yoke of superior purpose. Free that spirit which struggles within them and longs to mingle with that spirit which struggles within you.''' * We do not only free God by battling and subduing the visible world about us; we also create God. <br> "Open your eyes," God shouts; "I want to see! Prick up your ears, I want to hear! March in the front ranks: you are my head!" * '''Every man has his own circle composed of trees, animals, men, ideas, and he is in duty bound to save this circle. He, and no one else. If he does not save it, he cannot be saved.''' <br> These are the labors each man is given and is in duty bound to complete before he dies. He may not otherwise be saved. For his own soul is scattered and enslaved in these things about him, in trees, in animals, in men, in ideas, and it is his own soul he saves by completing these labors. * '''If you are a man of learning, fight in the skull, kill ideas and create new ones.''' God hides in every idea as in every cell of flesh. Smash the idea, set him free! Give him another, a more spacious idea in which to dwell. * '''Profound and incommensurable is the worth of this flowing world: God clings to it and ascends, God feeds upon it and increases.''' * The wife of my God is matter; they wrestle with each other, they laugh and weep, they cry out in the nuptial bed of flesh. <br> They spawn and are dismembered. They fill sea, land, and air with species of plants, animals, men, and spirits. This primordial pair embraces, is dismembered, and multiplies in every living creature. <br> '''All the concentrated agony of the Universe bursts out in every living thing.''' God is imperiled in the sweet ecstasy and bitterness of flesh. <br> But he shakes himself free, he leaps out of brains and loins, then clings to new brains and new loins until the struggle for liberation again breaks out from the beginning. * Joy! Joy! I did not know that all this world is so much part of me, that we are all one army, that windflowers and stars struggle to right and left of me and do not know me; but I turn to them and hail them. <br> The Universe is warm, beloved, familiar, and it smells like my own body. It is Love and War both, a raging restlessness, persistence and uncertainty. <br> Uncertainty and terror. '''In a violent flash of lightning I discern on the highest peak of power the final, the most fearful pair embracing: <br> Terror and Silence. And between them, a Flame.''' '''The Silence''' [[File:Fire dancing in the water 20060623 TVR.jpg|thumb|right|[[Time]] disappears, the [[moment]] whirls, becomes [[eternity]], and every point in [[space]] — [[insect]] or [[star]] or [[idea]] — turns into [[dance]].]] <!-- [[File:Brocken Spectre at Peak Korzhenevskaya.jpg|thumb|right|Every man is completely free and has his own special liberation.]] --> [[File:Ngc1999.jpg|thumb|right|Every person, after completing his service in all [[labors]], reaches finally the highest summit of endeavor, beyond every labor, where he no longer struggles or shouts, where he ripens fully in [[silence]], indestructibly, [[eternally]], with the entire [[Universe]].]] * "'''[[Fire]] is the first and final [[mask]] of my [[God]].''' We dance and weep between two enormous pyres." <br> Our thoughts and our bodies flash and glitter with reflected light. Between the two pyres I stand serenely, my brain unshaken amid the vertigo, and I say: <br> "Time is most short and space most narrow between these two pyres, the rhythm of this life is most sluggish, and I have no time, nor a place to dance in. I cannot wait." <br> Then all at once the rhythm of the earth becomes a vertigo, time disappears, the moment whirls, becomes eternity, and every point in space — insect or star or idea — turns into dance. * '''This ultimate stage of our spiritual exercise is called Silence.''' Not because its contents are the ultimate inexpressible despair or the ultimate inexpressible joy and hope. Nor because it is the ultimate knowledge which does not condescend to speak, or the ultimate ignorance which cannot. <br> Silence means: Every person, after completing his service in all labors, reaches finally the highest summit of endeavor, beyond every labor, where he no longer struggles or shouts, where he ripens fully in silence, indestructibly, eternally, with the entire Universe. * '''How can you reach the womb of the Abyss to make it fruitful? This cannot be expressed, cannot be narrowed into words, cannot be subjected to laws; every man is completely free and has his own special liberation.''' <br> No form of instruction exists, no Savior exists to open up the road. No road exists to be opened. * Within profound Silence, erect, fearless, in pain and in play, ascending ceaselessly from peak to peak, knowing that the height has no ending, sing this proud and magical incantation as you hang over the Abyss: <br> I BELIEVE IN ONE GOD, DEFENDER OF THE BORDERS, OF DOUBLE DESCENT, MILITANT, SUFFERING, OF MIGHTY BUT NOT OF OMNIPOTENT POWERS, A WARRIOR AT THE FARTHEST FRONTIERS, COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF ALL THE LUMINOUS POWERS, THE VISIBLE AND THE INVISIBLE. <br> I BELIEVE IN THE INNUMERABLE, THE EPHEMERAL MASKS WHICH GOD HAS ASSUMED THROUGHOUT THE CENTURIES, AND BEHIND HIS CEASELESS FLUX I DISCERN AN INDESTRUCTIBLE UNITY. * BLESSED BE ALL THOSE WHO HEAR AND RUSH TO FREE YOU, LORD, AND WHO SAY: "ONLY YOU AND I EXIST." <br> BLESSED BE ALL THOSE WHO FREE YOU AND BECOME UNITED WITH YOU, LORD, AND WHO SAY: "YOU AND I ARE ONE." <br> AND THRICE BLESSED BE THOSE WHO BEAR ON THEIR SHOULDERS AND DO NOT BUCKLE UNDER THIS GREAT, SUBLIME, AND TERRIFYING SECRET: <br> THAT EVEN THIS ONE <br> DOES NOT EXIST! === ''[[w:The Odyssey: A Modern Sequel|The Odyssey : A Modern Sequel]]'' (1938) === :<small> As translated by Kimon Friar</small> [[File:Sunset Solar Halo at Keys View of Joshua Tree National Park.jpg|thumb|right|O [[Sun]], great Oriental, my proud [[mind]]'s golden cap, I love to wear you cocked askew and to burst in song to rouse our [[hearts]], so long as you and I both [[live]]...]] [[File:Johann Heinrich Füssli 015.jpg|thumb|right|A [[woman]]'s [[body]] is a dark and monstrous [[mystery]]...]] [[File:Ring21.jpg|thumb|right|And now, my gallant lads... that [[worm]]'s god-slaying [[sword]] has fallen into my [[hands]]...]] [[File:William Blake - Christ in the Sepulchre, Guarded by Angels.jpg|thumb|right|We will not leave! We guard the [[innocent]] [[soul]] of [[Humanity|man]]!]] [[File:P46.jpg|thumb|right|[[Speak]] straight and [[clear]]! I only hear that manly [[prayer]]<br>which like a huge fist breaks my head against the [[stones]].]] [[File:1896 Alfred-Pierre Agache - The Sword.jpg|thumb|right|Who holds a [[sword]] is tempted, who has youth must play, he who does not [[fear]] [[death]] on [[earth]] does not fear [[God]].]] [[File:Johann Heinrich Füssli 054.jpg|thumb|right|[[Blessed]] be that haughty [[mind]] that aimed at the [[greatest]] [[hope]]!]] [[File:Ring43.jpg|thumb|right|A [[slave]]'s [[soul]] has no [[worth]], my brothers; it lacks [[strength]]<br>to tread on this [[great]] [[earth]] with gallantry and [[freedom]]...]] [[File:Tetragrammaton at RomanCatholic Church Saint-Germain Paris France.JPG|thumb|right|I [[know]] well that only [[words]], that words alone,<br>like the high [[mountains]], have no [[fear]] of age or [[death]].]] [[File:Lightmatter burningman.jpg|thumb|right|I've always [[fought]] to [[purify]] [[wild]] [[flame]] to [[light]],<br>and kindle whatever light I found to burst in flame.]] [[File:Lightning02.jpg|thumb|right|I've [[fought]] with [[men]] and [[gods]], I've weighed them well and found<br>the [[sea]] more firm than [[earth]], the [[air]] more firm than sea,<br>and man's impalpable [[soul]] still yet more firm than air!]] * '''O Sun, great Oriental, my proud mind's golden cap,<br>I love to wear you cocked askew, to play and burst<br>in song throughout our lives, and so rejoice our hearts.''' ** Variant: O Sun, great Oriental, my proud mind's golden cap,<br>I love to wear you cocked askew and to burst in song<br>to rouse our hearts, so long as you and I both live. ** Prologue, line 1 * With silent strides [[w:Odysseus|Odysseus]] then shot back the bolt,<br>passed lightly through the courtyard and sped down the street.<br>Some saw him take the graveyard's zigzag mountain path,<br>some saw him leap on rocks that edged the savage shore,<br>some visionaries saw him in the dead of night<br>swimming and talking secretly with the sea-demons,<br>but only a small boy saw him in a lonely dream<br>sit crouched and weeping by the dark sea's foaming edge. ** Book II, line 457 * '''A woman's body is a dark and monstrous mystery''';<br>between her supple thighs a heavy whirlpool swirls,<br>two rivers crash, and woe to him who slips and falls! ** Odysseus, Book II, line 1017 * Death's dry bones glowed with light in the erotic dark<br>but he woke not nor felt the two warm bodies merge;<br>the male [[worm]] then took heart and in his wife's ear whispered:<br>"With one sweet kiss, dear wife, we've conquered conquering Death!" ** Orpheus' song, Book III, line 178 * '''The [[worm]] stood straight on God's blood-splattered threshold then<br>and beat his drum''', beat it again, and raised his throat:<br>'You've matched all well on earth, wine, women, bread, and song,<br>but why, you Murderer, must you slay our children? Why?'<br>God foamed with rage and raised his sword to pierce that throat,<br>but his old copper sword, my lads, stuck at the bone.<br>Then from his belt the worm drew his black-hilted sword,<br>rushed up and slew that old decrepit god in heaven!<br>'''And now, my gallant lads — I don't know when or how —<br>that worm's god-slaying sword has fallen into my hands;<br>I swear that from its topmost iron tip the blood still drips!''' ** Odysseus' song, Book III, line 424 * The rosy mountain peaks laughed like high lustrous thoughts,<br>and [[w:Helen|Helen]], speechless, raised her pale hands toward the sun<br>and joyed to feel its warm rays falling on her frozen palms. ** Book IV, line 1361 * Thus did the Holy Harlots unhinge the brains of man,<br>and when they met and clashed with the pure Mountain Maidens,<br>they raised their white arms high, their armpits smelled of musk,<br>and, as the rites decreed, both fought their verbal war:<br>"God swoops from mountain peeks to eat and play on earth;<br>we are his food and drink and even his sacred toys —<br>and learn, O sterile maids, we are his soft, sweet mates.<br>Let her now leave who fears to merge with her dread God!"<br>The scornful savage mouth of Krino flashed reply:<br>"We will not leave! We guard the innocent soul of man!<br>God is a spirit with pure white wings, a soul that sails,<br>light, disembodied, deep in our thoughts, without embrace.<br>It's we who keep the world in bloom with virgin souls!" ** From the ''Bull Ritual,'' Book VI, line 197 * High up where the poor sat, the people quaked with fear:<br>they saw the soul stretched on the ground, a votive beast<br>beaten by the conflicting powers of light and dark,<br>and their minds shook, nor knew now what great god to choose,<br>for comfort's road dropped to the right, the rough ascent<br>rose to the left, and '''both roads seemed to lead to God,<br>while at the crossroads stood the human heart, and swayed.''' ** Book VI, line 242 * Thus night with all her snares passed through the upper world<br>and baited all heads sweetly, fed all foolish hopes,<br>for night can bring to men all shrewish day denies,<br>wrapped as a gift in the green leaves of opiate dream. ** Book VII, line 356 * Death gestured with his hands and bade the king thrice welcome. ** Book VIII, line 168 * Her green eyes fluttered swiftly twice or thrice, then glazed,<br>her mouth gaped open, bleating, then her jaws hung loose<br>and retched up all her soul in lumps of clotting blood. ** Death of Phida, Book VIII, line 410 * Speak straight and clear! I only hear that manly prayer<br>which like a huge fist breaks my head against the stones. ** Odysseus, Book VIII, line 530 * '''Who holds a sword is tempted, who has youth must play,<br>he who does not fear death on earth does not fear God.''' ** Odysseus, Book VIII, line 560 * Alas for him who seeks salvation in good only!<br>Balanced on God's strong shoulders, Good and Evil flap<br>together like two mighty wings and lift him high. ** Odysseus, Book VIII, line 770 * '''But we, O blockhead, with dogged spite and armored love<br>shall force those deaf dark powers to grow ears and hear us!'''<br>I know that God is earless, eyeless, and heartless too,<br>a brainless Dragon Worm that crawls on earth and hopes<br>in anguish and then in secret that we'll give him soul,<br>for then he, too, may sprout ears, eyes, to match his growth,<br>but God is clay in my ten fingers, and I mould him! ** Odysseus to Kentaur, Book VIII, line 829 * '''Blessed are those eyes that have seen more water than any man!<br>Blessed be that haughty mind that aimed at the greatest hope!'''<br>May you be blessed who row the current your life long<br>and now with dry unfreshened lips descend to Hades<br>to find the hidden deathless springs and slake your thirst!<br>My son, it's death who keeps and pours the deathless waters. ** Voice of the Nile, from Odysseus' story, Book VIII, line 1290 <small>(the first line is taken from an [[w:Egypt|Egyptian]] [[w:hieroglyphics|hieroglyph]].)</small> * May he be cursed on earth who gives his trust to virtue,<br>that bankrupt crone who takes our life's pure gold and gives<br>but bad receipts for payment in the lower world.<br>Ah, passers-by that stroll, travelers that come and go,<br>all that I had, I placed on virtue, and lost the game! ** Book IX, line 402 * '''A slave's soul has no worth, my brothers; it lacks strength<br>to tread on this great earth with gallantry and freedom.'''<br>I pity the poor slaves, they're nought but airy mist,<br>a light breeze scatters them, a fragrance knocks them down;<br>it's only just they crawl on the earth on hands and knees.<br>Today I'll write a hymn to God and pray for this great grace. ** Egyptian high priest, Book X, line 90 * Cursed be all those on land and sea who eat their fill,<br>cursed be all those who starve yet raise no hand in protest,<br>cursed be all the bread, the wine, the meat which day by day<br>descends deep in the entrails of the exploited man<br>and turns not into freedom's cry, the murderer's ruthless knife! ** Prayer of three revolutionaries, Book X, line 391 * '''Fools, art is a heavy task, more heavy than gold crowns;<br>it's far more difficult to match firm words than armies''',<br>they're disciplined troops, unconquered, to be placed in rhythm,<br>the mind's most mighty foe, and not disperse in air.<br>I'd give, believe me, a whole land for one good song,<br>for '''I know well that only words, that words alone,<br>like the high mountains, have no fear of age or death.''' ** Pharaoh, Book X, line 688 * Comrades, I've voyaged long and far on sea and soul,<br>my eyes have seen disease, gods, ghosts, and men, and yet<br>in no land have I seen a more false, murderous siren<br>than that wind-headed, babbling, blind bitch-hound called Hope! ** Odysseus, Book X, line 892 * Monarch of earth, I shall confess my secret craft:<br>'''I've always fought to purify wild flame to light,<br>and kindle whatever light I found to burst in flame.''' ** Odysseus to Hades, Book XI, line 145 * Crocodiles sweetly shut their lidded eyes, and yawned,<br>for the blond meat had been quite good, and in slow rains<br>new flesh would sprout once more and then be munched anew. ** Book XI, line 652 * Descend you weary-laden, descend in the dark earth,<br>help me to finish swiftly my dread master's shroud,<br>let each hem hold my pain, each corner hide a crow,<br>a lean, voracious crow to peck his heart out bit by bit. ** Slave's prayer, Book XI, line 708 * I hate all virtues based on food and bloated bellies;<br>though food and drink are good, I'm better slaked and fed<br>by that inhuman flame which burns in our black bowels.<br>I like to name that flame which burns within me God! ** Odysseus, Book XI, line 840 * '''I've fought with men and gods, I've weighed them well and found<br>the sea more firm than earth, the air more firm than sea,<br>and man's impalpable soul still yet more firm than air!''' ** Odysseus, Book XI, line 846 === ''[[w:Zorba the Greek|Zorba the Greek]]'' (1946) === :{{main|Zorba the Greek}} [[File:Vourvourou-Greece.jpg|thumb|right|[[All]] that is required to [[feel]] that here and [[now]] is [[happiness]] is a [[simple]], frugal [[heart]].]] [[File:Kalamos.jpg|thumb|right|The highest point a man can obtain is not [[Knowledge]], or [[Virtue]], or [[Goodness]], or [[Victory]], but something even greater, more [[heroic]] and more [[despairing]]: Sacred [[Awe]]!]] * To cleave that sea in the gentle autumnal season, murmuring the name of each islet, is to my mind the joy most apt to transport the heart of man into paradise. ** On the Aegean Sea, in Ch. 2 * '''Two equally steep and bold paths may lead to the same peak.''' To act as if death did not exist, or to act thinking every minute of death, is perhaps the same thing. ** Ch. 3 * While experiencing happiness, we have difficulty in being conscious of it. '''Only when the happiness is past and we look back on it we do suddenly realize — sometimes with astonishment — how happy we had been.''' ** Ch. 6 * How simple and frugal a thing is happiness: a glass of wine, a roast chestnut, a wretched little brazier, the sound of the sea. . . . All that is required to feel that here and now is happiness is a simple, frugal heart. ** Ch. 7 * '''Every village has its simpleton, and if one does not exist they invent one to pass the time. ''' ** Ch. 8 * '''In religions which have lost their creative spark, the gods eventually become no more than poetic motifs or ornaments for decorating human solitude and walls.''' ** Ch. 12 * As I watched the seagulls, I thought: "That's the road to take; find the absolute rhythm and follow it with absolute trust." ** Ch. 21 * '''What a strange machine man is! You fill him with bread, wine, fish, and radishes, and out comes sighs, laughter, and dreams.''' ** Ch. 23 * '''The highest point a man can obtain is not [[Knowledge]], or [[Virtue]], or [[Goodness]], or [[Victory]], but something even greater, more [[heroic]] and more [[despairing]]: Sacred [[Awe]]!''' ** Ch. 24 === ''[[w:The Last Temptation of Christ|The Last Temptation of Christ]]'' (1951) === [[File:Egon Schiele - Calvary.jpg|thumb|right|I wanted to offer a supreme model to the man who struggles; I wanted to show him that he must not [[fear]] [[pain]], [[temptation]] or [[death]] — because all three can be [[conquered]], all three have already been conquered.]] [[File:Vitro buckfast.jpg|thumb|right|The [[doors]] of [[heaven]] and [[hell]] are adjacent and [[identical]].]] * '''This is the Supreme Duty of the man who struggles — to set out for the lofty peak which [[w:Christ|Christ]], the first-born sone of salvation, attained.''' How can we begin? <br> If we are to follow him we must have a profound knowledge of his conflict, we must relive his anguish: his victory over the blossoming snares of the earth, his sacrifice of the great and small joys of men and his ascent from sacrifice to sacrifice, exploit to exploit, to martyrdom's summit, the Cross. * '''I wanted to offer a supreme model to the man who struggles; I wanted to show him that he must not fear pain, temptation or death — because all three can be conquered, all three have already been conquered.''' * '''This book is not a biography; it is the confession of every man who struggles.''' In publishing it I have fulfilled my duty, the duty of a person who struggled much, was embittered in his life, <br> : {{center/s}} and had many hopes. I am certain that <br> every free man who reads this book, so filled as it <br> is with love, will more than ever before, love <br> Christ. {{center/e}} * '''The more devils we have within us, the more chance we have to form angels.''' ** Ch. 10 * Do you believe in dreams, Uncle Simeon? I do; I believe in nothing else. One night I dreamed that invisible enemies had me tied to a dead cypress. Long red arrows were sticking into me from my head to my feet, and the blood was flowing. On my head they had placed a crown of thorns, and intertwined with the thorns were fiery letters which said: "Saint Blasphemer." I am Saint Blasphemer, Rabbi Simeon. So you'd better not ask me anything else, or I'll start my blasphemies. ** Ch. 10 * There's a devil inside me which cries, "You're not the son of the Carpenter, you're the son of King David! You are not a man, you are the Son of man whom Daniel prophesied." And still more: "The Son of God! And still more: God!" ** Ch. 10 * Outside the wind of Jehovah still beat on the door, trying to enter. There was no other sound. Not a jackal on the earth, nor a crow in the air. Every living thing cowered in fear, waiting for the Lord's anger to pass. ** Ch. 10 * '''The doors of heaven and hell are adjacent and identical.''' ** Ch. 18 * If you love me, be patient. Look at the trees. Are they in a hurry to ripen their fruit? <!-- p. 246 --> * '''I possess no weapon but love. With that I have come to do battle. Help me!''' <!-- p. 249 --> * '''I said only one word, brought only one message: Love. Love — nothing else.''' <!-- p. 478 --> * How can anyone see the only way the world can be saved and not be forced to weep? <!-- p. 479 --> === ''Report to Greco'' (1965) === [[File:Ulysses and the Sirens by H.J. Draper.jpg|thumb|right|My entire [[soul]] is a cry, and [[all]] my [[work]] the commentary on that cry.]] :<small> The first English edition was translated and published by Bruno Cassirer, Oxford (1965); this section uses primarily the translation by P. A. Bien, ''Faber and Faber Limited'' (1973) </small> [[File:Kehlen, Weisses Kreuz.jpg|thumb|right|Every man [[worthy]] of being called a son of man bears his cross and mounts his [[w:Golgotha|Golgotha]].]] [[File:Fotothek df roe-neg 0000380 001 Bogenschütze am Neustädter Elbufer im Gegenlicht.jpg|thumb|right|Overdraw me, Lord, and who cares if I break.]] * '''My entire [[soul]] is a cry, and all my work the commentary on that cry.''' ** Author's Introduction, p. 15 * '''Every man worthy of being called a son of man bears his cross and mounts his Golgotha.''' Many, indeed most, reach the first or second step, collapse pantingly in the middle of the journey, and do not attain the summit of Golgotha, in other words the summit of their duty: to be crucified, resurrected, and to save theirs souls. Afraid of crucifixion, they grow fainthearted; they do not know that '''the cross is the only path to resurrection. There is no other path.''' ** Author's Introduction, p. 15 * '''Three kinds of souls, three prayers:<br>1) I am a bow in your hands, Lord. Draw me, lest I rot.<br>2) Do not overdraw me, Lord. I shall break.<br>3) Overdraw me, Lord, and who cares if I break.''' ** Epigraph, p. 16 [[File:Collage_Auge_im_Himmel_byLöser.jpg|thumb|right|[[Beauty]] is [[merciless]]. You do not look at it, it looks at you and does not [[forgive]].]] * '''General, the battle draws to a close and I make my report. This is where and how I fought. I fell wounded, lost heart, but did not desert. Though my teeth clattered from fear, I bound my forehead tightly with a red handkerchief to hide the blood, and ran to the assault.''' <br>Before you shall pluck out the precious feathers of my jackdaw soul, one by one, until it remains a tiny clod of earth kneaded with blood, sweat, and tears. I shall relate my struggle to you — in order to unburden myself. I shall cast off virtue, shame, and truth — in order to unburden myself. My soul resembles your creation "Toledo in the Storm"; girded by yellow thunderbolts and oppressive black clouds, fighting a desperate, unbending battle against both light and darkness. You will see my soul, will weigh it between your lanceolate eyebrows, and will judge. Do you remember the grave Cretan saying, "Return where you have failed, leave where you have succeeded"? If I failed, I shall return to the assault though but a single hour of life remains to me. If I succeeded, I shall open the earth so that I may come and recline at your side.<br>Listen, therefore, to my report, general, and judge. Listen to my life, grandfather, and if I fought with you, if I fell wounded and allowed no one to learn of my suffering, if I never turned my back to the enemy: Give me your blessing! ** "Prologue", p. 23 * '''Beauty is merciless. You do not look at it, it looks at you and does not forgive.''' [[File:Harpe de lumiere.jpg|thumb|right|I thank [[God]] that this refreshing [[childhood]] [[vision]] still lives inside me in all its fullness of color and sound...]] * '''"Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality,"''' says one of my favorite Byzantine mystics. I did this when a child; I do it now as well in the most creative moments of my life. ** "The Son", Ch. 4, p. 45 [[File:Supernova&galaxia.png|thumb|right|Every [[word]] is an adamantine shell which encloses a great explosive [[force]]. To discover its meaning you must let it burst inside you like a bomb and in this way liberate the [[soul]] which it imprisons.]] * '''I thank God that this refreshing childhood vision still lives inside me in all its fullness of color and sound. This is what keeps my mind untouched by wastage, keeps it from withering and running dry. It is the sacred drop of immortal water which prevents me from dying.''' When I wish to speak of the sea, woman, or God in my writing, I gaze down in my breast and listen carefully to what the child within me says. He dictates to me; and if it sometimes happens that I come close to these great forces of the sea, woman, and God, approach them by means of words and depict them, I owe it to the child who still lives within me. I become a child again to enable myself to view the world always for the first time, with virgin eyes. ** "The Son", Ch. 4, p. 49 * '''Every word is an adamantine shell which encloses a great explosive force.''' To discover its meaning you must let it burst inside you like a bomb and in this way liberate the soul which it imprisons. ** "Massacre", Ch. 10, p. 88 [[File:Hoag's object.jpg|thumb|right|[[Everything]] is a [[unity]] and this unity is a profound [[mystic]] intoxication in which [[death]] loses its scythe and ceases to exist.]] * '''A magical portal opened inside my mind and conducted me into an astonishing world.''' … Before this moment I had divined but had never known with such positiveness that the world is extremely large and that suffering and toil are the companions and fellow warriors not only of Cretan, but of every man. … that '''by means of poetry all this suffering and effort could be transformed into dream; no matter how much of the ephemeral existed, poetry could immortalize it by turning it into song.''' ** "Naxos", Ch. 11, p. 96 [[File:Water drop on a leaf.jpg|thumb|right|I realized to what an extent earthly [[happiness]] is made to the [[measure]] of man.]] [[File:Stripe-tailed Hummingbird.jpg|thumb|right|[[Happiness]] is a domestic [[bird]] found in our own courtyards.]] * '''I felt that human partitions — bodies, brains, and souls — were capable of being demolished, and that humanity might return again, after frightfully bloody wandering, to its primeval, divine oneness.''' In this condition, there is no such thing as "me", "you", and "he"; '''everything is a unity and this unity is a profound mystic intoxication in which death loses its scythe and ceases to exist.''' Separately, we die one by one, but all together we are immortal. Like prodigal sons, after so much hunger, thirst, and rebellion, we spread our arms and embrace our two parents: heaven and earth. ** "Liberty", Ch. 12, p. 105 * '''Once more I realized to what an extent earthly happiness is made to the measure of man. It is not a rare bird which we must pursue at one moment in heaven, at the next in our minds. Happiness is a domestic bird found in our own courtyards.''' ** "Italy", Ch. 18, p. 182 * '''How difficult, how extremely difficult for the soul to sever itself from its body the world: from mountains, seas, cities, people. The soul is an octopus and these are its tentacles. … No force anywhere on earth is as imperialistic as the human soul. It occupies and is occupied in turn, but it always considers its empire too narrow. Suffocating, it desires to conquer the world in order to breathe freely.''' ** "My Friend The Poet. Mount Athos.", Ch. 19, p. 188 * '''As long as our souls remain strong, that is all that matters; as long as they don't decline. Because with the fall of certain souls in this world, the world itself will collapse. These are the pillars which support it. They are few, but enough.''' ** "My Friend Poet. Mount Athos.", Ch. 19, p. 215 * '''One day our Sodom and Gomorrah would be trampled by some all-powerful foot, and this world which laughed, reveled, and forgot God would be transformed, in its turn, into a Dead Sea. At the end of every period God's foot comes along in this way and tramples the cities of the overindulged belly, the overdeveloped mind.''' I felt afraid (Sometimes it seems to me that this world is another Sodom and Gomorrah just before God's passage above it. I think the terrible foot can already be heard approaching). ** "Jerusalem", Ch. 20, p. 249 * Sodom and Gomorrah reclined along the riverbank like two whores kissing each other. Men copulated with other men, women with other women, men with mares, women with bulls. They ate and overate from the Tree of Life; they ate and overate from the Tree of Knowledge. Smashing their sacred statues, they saw that they were filled with air. Coming very, very close to God, they said, "This God is not the father of Fear, he is the son of Fear," and they lost their fear. On the four gates to the city they wrote in large yellow letters, THERE IS NO GOD HERE. '''What does ''There is no God'' mean? It means there is no bridle on our instincts, no reward for good or punishment for evil, no virtue, shame, or justice — that we are wolves and she-wolves in heat.''' ** "Jerusalem", Ch. 20, p. 249-50 [[File:Mount Sinai.jpg|thumb|right|Whoever climbed the Lord's [[mountain]] had to possess clean [[hands]] and an [[innocent]] [[heart]]; otherwise the Summit would [[kill]] him. Today the doorway is deserted. Soiled hands and sinful hearts are able to pass by without [[fear]], for the Summit kills no longer.]] * '''Inhuman solitude made of sand and God.''' Surely only two kinds of people can bear to live in such desert: lunatics and prophets. The mind topples here not from fright but from sacred awe; sometimes it collapses downward, losing human stability, sometimes it springs upward, enters heaven, sees God face to face, touches the hem of His blazing garment without being burned, hears what He says, and taking this, slings it into men's consciousness. Only in the desert do we see the birth of these fierce, indomitable souls who rise up in rebellion even against God himself and stand before Him fearlessly, their minds in resplendent consubstantiality with the skirts of the Lord. God sees them and is proud, because in them his breath has not vented its force; in them, God has not stooped to becoming a man. ** "The Desert. Sinai.", Ch. 21, p. 276 [[File:Fiori di mandorlo.jpg|thumb|right|Here was an almond [[tree]] in [[bloom]] before me: I must reach out and cut a flowering branch.]] * '''How can anyone have a true sense of the Hebrew race without crossing this terrifying desert, without experiencing it?''' For three interminable days we crossed it on our camels. Your throat sizzles from thirst, your head reels, your mind spins about as serpent-like you follow the sleek tortuous ravine. When a race is forged for two score years in this kiln, how can such a race die? I rejoiced at seeing the terrible stones where the Hebrews' virtues were born: their perseverance, will power, obstinacy, endurance, and above all, a God flesh of their flesh, flame of their flame, to whom they cried, "''Feed us! Kill our enemies! Lead us to the Promised Land!''"<br>To this desert the Jews owe their continued survival and the fact that by means of their virtues and vices they dominate the world. '''Today, in the unstable period of wrath, vengeance, and violence through which we are passing, the Jews are of necessity once again the chosen people of the terrible God of Exodus from the land of bondage.''' ** "Jerusalem", Ch. 20, p. 265 [[File:RegenbogenDSCN0352.JPG|thumb|right|The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently [[desired]]…]] * '''Whoever climbed the Lord's mountain had to possess clean hands and an innocent heart; otherwise the Summit would kill him. Today the doorway is deserted. Soiled hands and sinful hearts are able to pass by without fear, for the Summit kills no longer.''' ** "The Desert. Sinai.", Ch. 21, p. 277 * '''"Tomorrow, go forth and stand before the Lord.''' A great and strong wind will blow over you and rend the mountains and break in pieces the rocks, but the Lord will not be in the wind. And after the wind and earthquake, but the Lord will not be in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord will not be in the fire. And after the fire a gentle, cooling breeze. That is where the Lord will be."<br>'''This is how the spirit comes. After the gale, the earthquake, and fire: a gentle, cooling breeze. This is how it will come in our own day as well. We are passing through the period of earthquake, the fire is approaching, and eventually (when? after how many generations?) the gentle, cool breeze will blow.''' ** "The Desert. Sinai.", Ch. 21, p. 278 [[File:Kazantzakis Grab2.JPG|thumb|right|I [[hope]] for [[nothing]]. I [[fear]] nothing. I am [[free]].]] * '''I heard the bells from the future churches, the children playing and laughing in the schoolyards … and here was an almond tree in bloom before me: I must reach out and cut a flowering branch. For, by believing passionately in something which still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired, whatever we have not irrigated with our blood to such a degree that it becomes strong enough to stride across the somber threshold of nonexistence.''' ** p. 434; in a few publications since 2008 part of this has been misattributed to [[Franz Kafka]]: "By believing passionately in something which still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired." {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == [[File:Mary Magdalene In The Cave.jpg|thumb|right|There is only one [[woman]] in the [[world]]. One woman, with many [[faces]].]] * '''There is only one woman in the world. One woman, with many faces.''' ** This occurs in the film ''[[w:The Last Temptation of Christ (film)|The Last Temptation of Christ]]'' (1988), based upon the novel by Kazantzakis, but has not been located in the novel itself. {{Disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can. ** [[Michael Korda]], in ''Success!'' (1977), p. 284 {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Kazantzakis == [[File:Rainbow droplet 630x441.jpg|thumb|right| Kazantzakis indicates that behind [[all]] [[appearances]] lies a struggling [[divine]] [[essence]] (the "Invisible") that is striving to merge with our [[hearts]] just as the [[mystic]] is striving to merge with [[God]]'s. ~ [[w:Daniel Dombrowski|Daniel Dombrowski]] ]] * '''Like [[Teresa of Avila]], Kazantzakis indicates that behind all appearances lies a struggling divine essence (the "Invisible") that is striving to merge with our hearts just as the mystic is striving to merge with God's.''' Nonetheless God's striving is on a cosmic scale such that there is something trivial involved when we push anthropocentric images too far in our description of God. Behind any religious face like [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]]'s or [[Confucius]]'s or [[Jesus]]' lies the awesome reality of the [[Tao]] of the Great Spirit or God — the Great Ecstatic. … We must tame some passions to unleash some others in Kazantzakis's religious eroticism. But no human passion is sufficient to put God under our thumbs. '''Kazantzakis defines "God" in ''Spain'' as "the Power that always gives us more than we are able to receive and always asks for more than we are able to give."''' ** [[w:Daniel A. Dombrowski|Daniel A. Dombrowski]], in ''Kazantzakis and God'' (1997), p. 87 * '''Kazantzakis is very clear about his belief in some "mystic law" at work in the world.''' … It must be admitted that Kazantzakis is at least tempted by nihilism and atheism. But … there are too many passages in his oeuvre where he makes it clear he does not want a merely human "god." Nor does he want a "god" who would be limited by our puny imagination. It is those who turn Kazantzakis's partial criticism (and partial appropriation) of traditional theism into an agnosticism or atheism who are unfaithful to Kazantzakis's texts. … neither a pantheistic nor a Buddhist/nihilist interpretation can stand up under the the weight of Kazantzakis's many writings about God. ** Daniel A. Dombrowski, in ''Kazantzakis and God'' (1997), p. 88 * '''I am suggesting that, for Kazantzakis, it is ''God'' who is "Immortal." What this means is that Kazantzakis is searching neither for heaven nor [[w:Nirvana|Nirvana]] nor ''[[w:ataraxia|ataraxia]]''.''' Kazantzakis believes in matter, or better, in the transformation of matter into spirit and in the attachment of an embodied human being to spirit as if fastened by a nail. The (nonanthropocentric) "God" of Kazantzakis is a name given to a dark force at work in the world that in many ways is more like an agitated Yahweh or God the Father than like an anesthetic or passive receiver of human woes. In any event, Kazantzakis's theism is Buddhist if what you mean by Buddhism includes a consideration of the aforementioned Unborn or Undying, and it is in the Abrahamic tradition ''if'' what one means by Judaism, Christianity, or Islam is an an embracing of mysticism… [[w:de: Peter Bien|Bien]] puts Kazantzakis's mysticism into focus when he says that human knowing (''gnosis'') — "You and I are one, Lord" — is necessarily followed by unknowing (''agnosis'') — "Even this one does not exist." The former element is reminiscent of the [[w:Cataphatic theology|kataphatic tradition]] of Christian mysticism, otherwise known as the ''via positiva''. But the latter element does not necessarily lead to nihilism, as some scholars allege, in that it is part of traditional [[w: Apophatic theology|apophatic theology]] or the ''via negativa''. '''This negativity is not absolute, but rather indicative of the psychic renewal consistent with Buddhism and Christianity (including Greek Orthodoxy). It is a "rest in the life force's evolution toward ever-increasing value." ''' ** Daniel A. Dombrowski, in ''Kazantzakis and God'' (1997), p. 89 *...as Nikos Kazantzakis once wrote, 'Art is the representation not of the body but of the forces which created the body.' **[[Nadine Gordimer]] Writing and Being Nobel Lecture (7 December 1991) *The focal point of Greek-American cultural interest has definitely shifted in recent decades. Where formerly there was a somewhat affected and strained focus on classical Hellas, the contemporary awareness is much more in tune with the literature of modern Greece. This shift has almost been entirely due to the increasing availability of English translations of modern Greek writings, for not many American-born Greeks comfortably read novels or poetry in the original Greek. The beginnings of the new mood can be traced to the translations of the novels of [[Nikos Kazantzakis]] in the 1950s. These also stimulated interest in other Greek writers, notably the poets [[Constantine P. Cavafy]], a product of the Greek diaspora in Alexandria, Egypt, and [[George Seferis]], who won the Nobel literature prize in 1963. **Peter C. Moskos, ''Greek Americans: Struggle and Success'' (2013) *In contrast to [[Hermann Hesse|Hesse]], I think about Kazantzakis, who is not as deep as Hesse, but has some human warmth, some Greek sunshine, in his prose. To me he speaks with a Jewish heart. I approve of Hesse; I love Kazantzakis. **[[Chava Rosenfarb]] "Australian Notes, 1974" in ''Confessions of a Yiddish Writer and Other Essays'', translated from the Yiddish with [[Goldie Morgentaler]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.kirjasto.sci.fi/kazantza.htm Profile at Kirjasto (Pegasos)] * [http://www.interkriti.org:80/culture/kazantzakis/index.html Profile at interkriti] * [https://www.kazantzaki.gr/en Nikos Kazantzakis Museum] * [http://www.historical-museum.gr/kazantzakis/index1.html Historical Museum of Crete for Kazantzakis] * [http://www.kazantzakispublications.org/ Kazantzakis Publications (Patroclos Stavrou)] * [http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0443611/ Kazantzakis at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Kazantzakis, Nikos}} [[Category:Novelists from Greece]] [[Category:Playwrights from Greece]] [[Category:Philosophers from Greece]] [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:Essayists from Greece]] [[Category:Translators from Greece]] [[Category:Travel writers]] [[Category:Journalists]] [[Category:1883 births]] [[Category:1957 deaths]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:Agnostics]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Socialists]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] <!-- [[en:Nikos Kazantzakis]] --> 1m3x7n7svqg89q8xek2m5hgw42oqyb5 0 4798 3944460 3942770 2026-05-23T13:34:41Z Saroj 2925457 +[[Category:Women singers from Sweden]]; ±[[Category:Songwriters from Sweden]]→[[Category:Singer-songwriters from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944460 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Neneh Cherry|Neneh Cherry]]''' (born [[10 March]] [[1964]]) is a musician who blended hip hop with other influences to some mainstream success. {{musician-stub}} == Unsourced == * Roughneck and rudeness, We should be using, On the ones who practice wicked charms, For the sword and the stone, Bad to the bone, Battle’s not over, Even when it's won, And when a child is born into this world, It has no concept, Of the tone the skin is living in. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cherry, Neneh}} [[Category:Musicians from Sweden]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Sweden]] [[Category:1964 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Stockholm]] [[Category:Brit Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] [[Category:Women singers from Sweden]] j7izltuwoyefsx577h3g2k2q7an2tfw 0 6747 3944608 3763122 2026-05-23T21:50:43Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944608 wikitext text/x-wiki :''"Lawrence of Arabia" redirects here. For the motion picture, see [[Lawrence of Arabia (film)]].'' [[File:Te lawrence.jpg|thumb|right|All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.]] '''[[w:T. E. Lawrence|Thomas Edward Lawrence]]''' ['''T. E. Lawrence'''] ([[16 August]] [[1888]] – [[19 May]] [[1935]]) was a British archaeologist, army officer, diplomat, and writer known for his role in the [[w:Arab Revolt|Arab Revolt]] and the [[w:Sinai and Palestine Campaign|Sinai and Palestine Campaign]] against the [[w:Ottoman Empire|Ottoman Empire]] during the [[First World War]]. Commonly referred to as '''Lawrence of Arabia''', he adopted '''T. E. Shaw''' as a pseudonym. == Quotes == [[File:Lawrence of Arabia Brough Superior gif.gif|thumb|right|I've been & am absurdly over-estimated. There are no supermen & I'm quite ordinary, & will say so whatever the artistic results. In that point I'm one of the few people who tell the truth about myself.]] * '''The people of England have been led in Mesopotamia into a trap from which it will be hard to escape with dignity and honor.''' They have been tricked into it by a steady withholding of information. The Baghdad communiques are belated, insincere, incomplete. Things have been far worse than we have been told, our administration more bloody and inefficient than the public knows. It is a disgrace to our imperial record, and may soon be too inflamed for any ordinary cure. We are today not far from a disaster. ** [http://www.lib.byu.edu/~rdh/wwi/1918p/mesopo.html "Report on Mesopotamia" ''The Sunday Times'' (22 August 1920)] * Whether they are fit for independence or not remains to be tried. '''Merit is no qualification for freedom.''' Bulgars, Afghans, and Tahitans have it. '''Freedom is enjoyed when you are so well armed, or so turbulent, or inhabit a country so thorny that the expense of your neighbour's occupying you is greater than the profit.''' ** [http://www.telstudies.org/writings/letters/1919-20/200722_the_times.shtml "Letter to the Editor" ''The Times'' (22 July 1920)] * This death’s livery which walled its bearers from ordinary life was sign that they have sold their wills and bodies to the State: and contracted themselves into a service not the less abject for that its beginning was voluntary. ** ''The Revolt in the Desert'' (1927) Ch. 35 * '''The sword was odd.''' The Arab Movement was one: Feisal another (his name means a flashing sword): then there is the excluded notion, Garden of Eden touch: and the division meaning, like the sword in the bed of mixed sleeping, from the Morte d'Arthur. I don't know which was in your mind, but they all came to me — and the sword also means clean-ness, and death. ** Letter to Eric Kennington (27 October 1922); "The sword also means clean-ness and death" also appears on the cover of the first edition of ''Robert Mikey Thicklehorn's Words of Wisdom''. (1922) * '''All the revision in the world will not save a bad first draft: for the architecture of the thing comes, or fails to come, in the first conception, and revision only affects the detail and ornament, alas!''' ** Letter to Bruce Rogers (20 August 1931) * '''To have news value is to have a tin can tied to one’s tail.''' ** Letter (1 April 1935); published in ''The Letters of T.E. Lawrence'' (1988), edited by Malcolm Brown. * You wonder what I am doing? Well, so do I, in truth. Days seem to dawn, suns to shine, evenings to follow, and then I sleep. What I have done, what I am doing, what I am going to do, puzzle and bewilder me. Have you ever been a leaf and fallen from your tree in autumn and been really puzzled about it? That's the feeling. ** Letter to Eric Kennington (6 May 1935) * '''I've been & am absurdly over-estimated. There are no supermen & I'm quite ordinary, & will say so whatever the artistic results. In that point I'm one of the few people who tell the truth about myself.''' ** Letter in ''T.E. Lawrence: The Selected Letters'' (1989) edited By Malcolm Brown, as quoted in [http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,957680,00.html "The Hero Our Century Deserved" by Paul Gray in ''TIME'' magazine (15 May 1989)] * '''Isn't it true that the fault of birth rests somewhat on the child? I believe it's we who led our parents on to bear us, and it's our unborn children who make our flesh itch.''' ** Letter in ''T.E. Lawrence: The Selected Letters'' (1989) edited By Malcolm Brown, as quoted in "The Hero Our Century Deserved" by Paul Gray in ''TIME'' magazine (15 May 1989) * '''... wait and watch with the deepest interest the development of the Jewish National Home. If Jews succeeded in translating the policy embodied in the [[w:Balfour Declaration|Balfour Declaration]] [to action by establishing a state], it would certainly be a performance unique in the history of mankind.''' ** Reflecting on conversation with [[Chaim Weizmann]], A.W. Lawrence, T.E. Lawrence by His Friends, 222, <cite>as quoted by [https://aish.com/lawrence-of-arabia-the-unexpected-zionist/ R.Elie Mishel, "Lawrence of Arabia, the Unexpected Zionist"]</cite> * '''Arabia for the Arabs, Judea for the Jews, and Armenia for the Armenians.''' ** Edwin Samuel, son of [[w:Herbert Samuel|Herbert Samuel]], the first British High Commissioner for Palestine, spoke with Lawrence in the early 1930s, asking him why some people were labelling Lawrence as an anti-Zionist. Lawrence said that this was nonsense, for he himself had invented the slogan above. (Edwin Samuel, A Lifetime in Jerusalem, 48) === Twenty-Seven Articles (1917) === [[File:T.E. Lawrence, The dreamer whose dreams came true.jpg|thumb| [[Do]] not try to do too much with your own [[hands]].]] :<small>'''A guide Lawrence wrote for British officers in the ''Arab Bulletin'' (20 August 1917) [http://telawrence.net/telawrencenet/works/articles_essays/1917_twenty-seven_articles.htm Full text online]'''</small> * '''Do not try to do too much with your own hands.''' Better the Arabs do it tolerably than that you do it perfectly. It is their war, and you are to help them, not to win it for them. Actually, also, under the very odd conditions of Arabia, your practical work will not be as good as, perhaps, you think it is. === The Evolution of A Revolt (1920) === [[File:Lcamel.jpg|thumb|right|Nine-tenths of tactics are certain, and taught in [[books]]: but the irrational tenth is like the kingfisher flashing across the pool, and that is the [[test]] of generals.]] :<small>'''Article in ''The Army Quarterly and Defence Journal'' (October 1920) [http://usacac.army.mil/cac2/cgsc/carl/resources/csi/Lawrence/lawrence.asp Full text online]'''</small> * An opinion can be argued with; a conviction is best shot. The logical end of a war of creeds is the final destruction of one, and Salammbo is the classical text-book instance. * [B]ut suppose we were an influence (as we might be), an idea, a thing invulnerable, intangible, without front or back, drifting about like a gas? Armies were like plants, immobile as a whole, firm-rooted, nourished through long stems to the head, we might be a vapor, blowing where we listed. Our kingdoms lay in each man's mind, as we wanted nothing material to live on, so perhaps we offered nothing material to the killing. It seemed a regular soldier might be helpless without a target. He would own the ground he sat on, and what he could poke his rifle at. * '''Nine-tenths of tactics are certain, and taught in books: but the irrational tenth is like the kingfisher flashing across the pool, and that is the test of generals.''' It can only be ensured by instinct, sharpened by thought practicing the stroke so often that at the crisis it is as natural as a reflex. * '''The printing press is the greatest weapon in the armory of the modern commander...''' * '''It seemed that rebellion must have an unassailable base, something guarded not merely from attack, but from the fear of it''': such a base as we had in the Red Sea Parts, the desert, or in the minds of the men we converted to our creed. It must have a sophisticated alien enemy, in the form of a disciplined army of occupation too small to fulfill the doctrine of acreage: too few to adjust number to space, in order to dominate the whole area effectively from fortified posts. It must have a friendly population, not actively friendly, but sympathetic to the point of not betraying rebel movements to the enemy. Rebellions can be made by 2 per cent. active in a striking force, and 98 per cent. passively sympathetic. The few active rebels must have the qualities of speed and endurance, ubiquity and independence of arteries of supply. They must have the technical equipment to destroy or paralyze the enemy’s organized communications, for irregular war is fairly Willisen’s definition of strategy, “the study of communication” in its extreme degree, of attack where the enemy is not. * In fifty words: Granted mobility, security (in the form of denying targets to the enemy), time, and doctrine (the idea to convert every subject to friendliness), victory will rest with the insurgents, for the algebraical factors are in the end decisive, and against them perfections of means and spirit struggle quite in vain. === The Changing East (1920)=== :<small>'''Article in ''The Round Table'', No. 40 (September 1920)'''</small> * "The Jewish experiment is a conscious effort, on the part of the least European people in Europe, to make head against the drift of the ages, and return once more to the Orient from which they came.” <cite>as quoted by [https://aish.com/lawrence-of-arabia-the-unexpected-zionist/ R.Elie Mishel, "Lawrence of Arabia, the Unexpected Zionist"]</cite> * "The success of their scheme will involve inevitably the raising of the present Arab population to their own material level, only a little after themselves in point of time, and the consequences might be of the highest importance for the future of the Arab world. It might well prove a source of technical supply rendering them independent of industrial Europe, and in that case the new confederation might become a formidable element of world power." <cite>as quoted by [https://aish.com/lawrence-of-arabia-the-unexpected-zionist/ R.Elie Mishel, "Lawrence of Arabia, the Unexpected Zionist"]</cite> === ''[[w:Seven Pillars of Wisdom|Seven Pillars of Wisdom]]'' (1922) === [[File:Seven pillars tooling.jpeg|thumb|right|the sword also means clean-ness + death]] [[File:Seven Pillars 2008 e5.jpg|thumb|right|This creed of the desert seemed inexpressible in words, and indeed in thought.]] * '''the sword also means clean-ness + death''' ** Motto on the cover of the first edition. * ''I loved you, so I drew these tides of men into my hands<br>and wrote my will across the sky in stars<br> To gain you Freedom, the seven-pillared worthy house,<br> that your eyes might be shining for me<br>When I came.'' **Dedicatory poem, to "S. A.", as written in the 1922 "Oxford text"; variant : "When we came" for "When I came" in the 1926 edition, and others. * This, therefore, is a faded dream of the time when I went down into the dust and noise of the Eastern market-place, and with my brain and muscles, with sweat and constant thinking, made others see my visions coming true. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible. ** Variant: '''All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.''' * I am afraid that I hope so. We pay for these things too much in honour and in innocent lives. I went up the [[Tigris]] with one hundred Devon Territorials, young, clean, delightful fellows, full of the power of happiness and of making women and children glad. '''By them one saw vividly how great it was to be their kin, and English. And we were casting them by thousands into the fire to the worst of deaths, not to win the war but that the corn and rice and oil of Mesopotamia might be ours.''' The only need was to defeat our enemies (Turkey among them), and this was at last done in the wisdom of Allenby with less than four hundred killed, by turning to our uses the hands of the oppressed in Turkey. I am proudest of my thirty fights in that I did not have any of our own blood shed. '''All our subject provinces to me were not worth one dead Englishman.''' ** Introductory Chapter. * Some Englishmen, of whom [[w:Herbert Kitchener, 1st Earl Kitchener|Kitchener]] was chief, believed that a rebellion of Arabs against Turks would enable England, while fighting Germany, simultaneously to defeat Turkey. Their knowledge of the nature and power and country of the Arabic-speaking peoples made them think that the issue of such a rebellion would be happy: and indicated its character and method. So they allowed it to begin... ** Introduction: Foundations of Revolt [[File:Wadi Rum Protected Area, Jordan.jpg|thumb|right|The desert was held in a crazed communism by which Nature and the elements were for the free use of every known friendly person for his own purposes and no more.]] [[File:Prayer in Cairo 1865.jpg|thumb|right|The Bedouin could not look for God within him: he was too sure that he was within God. ]] [[File:Ljidda.jpg|thumb|right| Feisal asked me if I would wear Arab clothes like his own while in the camp… I agreed at once, very gladly; for army uniform was abominable when camel-riding …]] * '''Some of the evil of my tale may have been inherent in our circumstances.''' For years we lived anyhow with one another in the naked desert, under the indifferent heaven. By day the hot sun fermented us; and we were dizzied by the beating wind. At night we were stained by dew, and shamed into pettiness by the innumerable silences of stars. We were a self-centred army without parade or gesture, devoted to freedom, the second of man's creeds, a purpose so ravenous that it devoured all our strength, a hope so transcendent that our earlier ambitions faded in its glare. ** Ch. 1 * The Arab was by nature continent; and the use of universal marriage had nearly abolished irregular courses in his tribes. The public women of the rare settlements we encountered in our months of wandering would have been nothing to our numbers, even had their raddled meat been palatable to a man of healthy parts. In horror of such sordid commerce our youths began indifferently to slake one another's few needs in their own clean bodies — a cold convenience that, by comparison, seemed sexless and even pure. Later, some began to justify this sterile process, and swore that friends quivering together in the yielding sand with intimate hot limbs in supreme embrace, found there hidden in the darkness a sensual co-efficient of the mental passion which was welding our souls and spirits in one flaming effort. Several, thirsting to punish appetites they could not wholly prevent, took a savage pride in degrading the body, and offered themself fiercely in any habit which promised physical pain or filth. ** Ch. 1 * '''The Bedouin could not look for God within him: he was too sure that he was within God.''' He could not conceive anything which was or was not God, Who alone was great; yet there was a homeliness, an everyday-ness of this climatic Arab God, who was their eating and their fighting and their lusting, the commonest of their thoughts, their familiar resource and companion, in a way impossible to those whose God is so wistfully veiled from them by despair of their carnal unworthiness of Him and by the decorum of formal worship. Arabs felt no incongruity in bringing God into the weaknesses and appetites of their least creditable causes. He was the most familiar of their words; and indeed we lost much eloquence when making Him the shortest and ugliest of our monosyllables.<br> '''This creed of the desert seemed inexpressible in words, and indeed in thought.''' It was easily felt as an influence, and those who went into the desert long enough to forget its open spaces and its emptiness were inevitably thrust upon God as the only refuge and rhythm of being. The Bedawi might be a nominal Sunni, or a nominal Wahabi, or anything else in the Semitic compass, and he would take it very lightly, a little in the manner of the watchmen at Zion's gate who drank beer and laughed in Zion because they were Zionists. Each individual nomad had his revealed religion, not oral or traditional or expressed, but instinctive in himself; and so we got all the Semitic creeds with (in character and essence) a stress on the emptiness of the world and the fullness of God; and according to the power and opportunity of the believer was the expression of them. * The common base of all the Semitic creeds, winners or losers, was the ever present idea of world-worthlessness. Their profound reaction from matter led them to preach bareness, renunciation, poverty; and the atmosphere of this invention stifled the minds of the desert pitilessly. A first knowledge of their sense of the purity of rarefaction was given me in early years, when we had ridden far out over the rolling plains of North Syria to a ruin of the Roman period which the Arabs believed was made by a prince of the border as a desert-palace for his queen. The clay of its building was said to have been kneaded for greater richness, not with water, but with the precious essential oils of flowers. My guides, sniffing the air like dogs, led me from crumbling room to room, saying, 'This is jessamine, this violet, this rose'. But at last Dahoum drew me: 'Come and smell the very sweetest scent of all', and we went into the main lodging, to the gaping window sockets of its eastern face, and there drank with open mouths of the effortless, empty, eddyless wind of the desert, throbbing past. That slow breath had been born somewhere beyond the distant [[Euphrates]] and had dragged its way across many days and nights of dead grass, to its first obstacle, the man-made walls of our broken palace. About them it seemed to fret and linger, murmuring in baby-speech. 'This,' they told me, 'is the best: it has no taste.' My Arabs were turning their backs on perfumes and luxuries to choose the things in which mankind had had no share or part. ** Ch. 3 * Men have looked upon the desert as barren land, the free holding of whoever chose; but in fact each hill and valley in it had a man who was its acknowledged owner and would quickly assert the right of his family or clan to it, against aggression. Even the wells and trees had their masters, who allowed men to make firewood of the one and drink of the other freely, as much as was required for their need, but who would instantly check anyone trying to turn the property to account and to exploit it or its products among others for private benefit. The desert was held in a crazed communism by which Nature and the elements were for the free use of every known friendly person for his own purposes and no more. Logical outcomes were the reduction of this licence to privilege by the men of the desert, and their hardness to strangers unprovided with introduction or guarantee, since the common security lay in the common responsibility of kinsmen. ** Ch. 11 * '''Feisal asked me if I would wear Arab clothes like his own while in the camp. I should find it better for my own part, since it was a comfortable dress in which to live Arab-fashion as we must do.''' Besides, the tribesmen would then understand how to take me. The only wearers of khaki in their experience had been Turkish officers, before whom they took up an instinctive defence. If I wore Meccan clothes, they would behave to me as though I were really one of the leaders; and I might slip in and out of Feisal's tent without making a sensation which he had to explain away each time to strangers. I agreed at once, very gladly; for army uniform was abominable when camel-riding or when sitting about on the ground; and the Arab things, which I had learned to manage before the war, were cleaner and more decent in the desert. ** Ch. 20 * The [[w:Wahhabism|Wahabis]], followers of a fanatical Moslem heresy, had imposed their strict rules on easy and civilized Kasim. In Kasim there was but little coffee-hospitality, much prayer and fasting, no tobacco, no artistic dalliance with women, no silk clothes, no gold and silver head-ropes or ornaments. Everything was forcibly pious or forcibly puritanical.<br> It was a natural phenomenon, this periodic rise at intervals of little more than a century, of ascetic creeds in Central Arabia. Always the votaries found their neighbours' beliefs cluttered with inessential things, which became impious in the hot imagination of their preachers. Again and again they had arisen, had taken possession, soul and body, of the tribes, and had dashed themselves to pieces on the urban Semites, merchants and concupiscent men of the world. About their comfortable possessions the new creeds ebbed and flowed like the tides or the changing seasons, each movement with the seeds of early death in its excess of Tightness. Doubtless they must recur so long as the causes — sun, moon, wind, acting in the emptiness of open spaces, weigh without check on the unhurried and uncumbered minds of the desert-dwellers. ** Ch. 24 *He saw me shivering, partly I think, with cold, and made it whistle over my ear, taunting me that before his tenth cut I would howl for mercy, and at the twentieth beg for the caresses of the Bey; and then he began to lash me madly across and across with all his might, while I locked my teeth to endure this thing which lapped itself like flaming wire about my body. **Chapter 80, ''The Seven Pillars of Wisdom'', T.E. Lawrence * Rebels, especially successful rebels, were of necessity bad subjects and worse governors. * Then rose up the horror which would make civilized man shun justice like a plague if he had not the needy to serve him as hangmen for wages. == Quotes about Lawrence == [[File:T. E. Lawrence, Herbert Samuel, Emir Abdullah - Amman 1921.jpg|thumb|right| There is no other man I know who could have achieved what Lawrence did. ~ [[w:Edmund Allenby|Edmund Allenby]] ]] * '''There is no other man I know who could have achieved what Lawrence did.''' As for taking undue credit for himself, my own personal experience with Lawrence is that he was utterly unconcerned whether any kudos was awarded him or not. ** [[w:Edmund Allenby|Edmund Allenby]], commander of the [[w:Egyptian Expeditionary Force|Egyptian Expeditionary Force]] to Lowell Thomas. * '''I deem him one of the greatest beings alive in our time...''' We shall never see his like again. His name will live in history. It will live in the annals of war... It will live in the legends of Arabia. ** [[Winston Churchill]] * '''The world looks with some awe upon a man who appears unconcernedly indifferent to home, money, comfort, rank, or even power and fame. The world feels not without a certain apprehension, that here is some one outside its jurisdiction; someone before whom its allurements may be spread in vain; some one strangely enfranchised, untamed, untrammelled by convention, moving independent of the ordinary currents of human action.''' ** [[Winston Churchill]] at an unveiling of a memorial to Lawrence at the Oxford High School for Boys (3 October 1936); as quoted in ''Lawrence of Arabia: The Authorized Biography of T.E. Lawrence'' (1989) by Jeremy M Wilson * A disgusting little thing. ** [[w:Lawrence Durrell|Lawrence Durrell]], as quoted by Desmond Stewart * '''With hindsight, it is easy to see why a slim, self-effacing Englishman named Thomas Edward Lawrence became one of this century's most ballyhooed celebrities.''' Out of the appalling carnage of World War I — the mud-caked anonymity of the trenches, the hail of mechanized death that spewed from machine guns and fell from airplanes — there emerged a lone Romantic, framed heroically against the clean desert sands of Arabia. U.S. journalist [[w:Lowell Thomas|Lowell Thomas]] was the first to recognize that Lawrence's wartime work — organizing disparate Arab tribes into armed revolt against the occupying Turks, allies of Germany — had pop-myth possibilities. Thomas' publicity essentially created the figure known as Lawrence of Arabia, but others contributed to the saga. [[Robert Graves]] wrote a life of Lawrence that appeared in 1927, when its subject was only 39. Lawrence told his own story in Seven Pillars of Wisdom, which was published shortly after his death from a motorcycle accident in 1935. <br> Since then, the Lawrence legend has thrived through a steady stream of biographies and memoirs. … He would be easier to understand if he were simply larger than life or what his detractors claimed: a self-aggrandizing charlatan. But he took no pleasure in his notoriety; he ran from it. The Selected Letters adds another interpretation to an already overwrought tale. The age demanded a hero, Lawrence qualified, and the 20th century then got what it deserved: a loner, an ascetic, a man who might have been happier as a medieval monk than as the public cynosure he became. No paragon in his own eyes, Lawrence nonetheless remains a haunting presence in the contemporary consciousness, an indissoluble mixture of weaknesses and strength. ** Paul Gray in [http://www.time.com/time/printout/0,8816,957680,00.html "The Hero Our Century Deserved" ''TIME'' magazine (15 May 1989)] *He is one of the few romantic figures of this mechanical war. ... Two or three hypnotic personalities alone appeared. Lawrence of Arabia was one of them. In the Hejaz he got on amazingly well with the Arabs, whose confidence he was able to win in the fullest measure, and he became an adviser and military leader among them in a series of intrepid adventures which harassed and embarrassed the unorganised, ill-equipped Turk. Without any military training, like [[Robert Clive|Clive]], he developed a remarkable military flair. Largely owing to his inspiration, a mobile force of irregular cavalry was raised amongst the Arabs who had rebelled against Turkish rule. Although the force raised was a small one, compared with the enormous numbers of men engaged on both sides on the Palestine Fronts, it is difficult to overestimate the value of the service they rendered in the attack upon the Turkish positions. **[[David Lloyd George]], ''War Memoirs: Volume II'' (1938), p. 1076 * The Work is a masterpiece, one of the few very best of its kind in the world. ** [[George Bernard Shaw]] on ''[[w:Seven Pillars of Wisdom|Seven Pillars of Wisdom]]'' * At this moment, somewhere in London, hiding from feminine admirers, reporters, book publishers, autograph collections, and every species of hero worship, is a young man whose name will go down in history along with those of [[w:Francis Drake|Sir Francis Drake]], [[w:Sir Walter Raleigh|Sir Walter Raleigh]], [[w:Robert Clive|Lord Clive]], [[w:Charles George Gordon|"Chinese" Gordon]], and other legendary heroes of Great Britain's glorious past. ** [[w:Lowell Thomas|Lowell Thomas]] * '''No artist can develop without increasing his self-knowledge; but self-knowledge supposes a certain preoccupation with the meaning of human life and the destiny of man.''' A definite set of beliefs — [[w:Methodism|Methodist Christianity]], for example — may only be a hindrance to development; but it is not more so than [[Samuel Beckett|Beckett's]] refusal to think at all. Shaw says somewhere that all intelligent men must be preoccupied with either religion, politics, or [[Sex|sex]]. (He seems to attribute T. E. Lawrence's tragedy to his refusal to come to grips with any of them.) It is hard to see how an artist could hope to achieve any degree of self-knowledge without being deeply concerned with at least one of the three. ** [[Colin Wilson]] in ''The Strength To Dream'', p. 197 (1961) * '''not only friendly to the ideals embodied in Zionism but fully conversant on the subject.''' [[Chaim Weizmann]] (A. W. Lawrence, ''T.E. Lawrence by His Friends'', 219) * '''[Lawrence and I] went up together with Mr. Churchill to Palestine… On the way we stopped at many wayside stations where Mr. Churchill was given vociferous welcomes. The first of these was at Gaza where there was a tremendous reception by a howling mob all shouting in Arabic ‘Cheers for the Minister’ and also for Great Britain, but their chief cry over which they waxed quite frenzied was ‘Down with the Jews’ and ‘Cut their throats.’ Mr. Churchill and Sir Herbert were delighted with the enthusiasm of their reception, being not in the least aware of what was being shouted. Lawrence, of course, understood it all and told me, but we kept very quiet. He was obviously gravely anxious about the whole situation… We finally got away from Gaza with a sigh of relief on the part of Lawrence and myself.''' Captain Maxwell Coote, Colonial Secretary [[w:Winston Churchill|Winston Churchill]]’s Orderly Officer, later recalled a frightening moment from the [[w:Cairo conference|Cairo conference]] of 1921 where Lawrence served as Churchill's advisor on Arab affairs. (A.W. Lawrence, ''T.E. Lawrence by His Friends'', 235-6) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat|Thomas Edward Lawrence}} * [http://www.lawrenceofarabia.info/ Fact file from Lawrence biographer] * [http://www.telsociety.org.uk/ The T.E. Lawrence Society] * [http://www.lib.uchicago.edu/cgi-bin/eos/eos_title.pl?callnum=DS111.A1P28_vol3_cop1 ''The Wilderness of Zin'' (1914;1915) C. Leonard Wooley and T. E. Lawrence (Archeological report)] *[http://home.comcast.net/~dmckroot/tel-home.htm T. E. Lawrence and S. A. - The Puzzle Solved, by Elizabeth L. (Betty) McKenzie ] *[http://homepage3.nifty.com/yagitani/tpc_en12.htm Who Was S.A.?, by YAGITANI Ryôko] *[http://web.archive.org/web/20051223223514/http://www.crock11.freeserve.co.uk/lawrence.htm Lawrence of Arabia's Dorset] *[http://www.dropbears.com/m/models/brough/index.htm Site dedicated to Lawrence and his Brough Superior motorcycles] {{Conservative intellectuals}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lawrence, T.E.}} [[Category:1888 births]] [[Category:1935 deaths]] [[Category:Military leaders from Wales]] [[Category:Aviators]] [[Category:Archaeologists from Wales]] [[Category:Authors from Wales]] [[Category:Translators from Wales]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Wales]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] q7os084qcwizminkadqfno4bb2gtk99 0 6815 3944601 3906196 2026-05-23T21:45:00Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944601 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sir John Herschel. Photogravure after Julia Margaret Cameron Wellcome V0026542.jpg|thumb|To the [[natural philosopher]] there is no [[natural]] object unimportant or [[trifling]].]] '''[[w:John Herschel|Sir John Frederick William Herschel, 1st Baronet]]''' ([[7 March]] [[1792]] – [[11 May]] [[1871]]) was an English [[w:polymath|polymath]] active as a [[w:mathematician|mathematician]], [[w:astronomer|astronomer]], [[w:chemist|chemist]], inventor, experimental photographer who invented the [[w:blueprint|blueprint]] and did [[w:botanical|botanical]] work. Herschel originated the use of the [[w:Julian day|Julian day]] system in [[astronomy]]. He named seven [[w:moons of Saturn|moons of Saturn]] and four [[w:moons of Uranus|moons of Uranus]] – the seventh planet, discovered by his father [[w:Sir William Herschel|Sir William Herschel]]. He made many contributions to the science of photography, and investigated [[w:colour blindness|colour blindness]] and the chemical power of [[w:ultraviolet|ultraviolet]] rays. His ''Preliminary Discourse'' (1831), which advocated an [[w:Inductive reasoning|inductive approach]] to scientific experiment and theory-building, was an important contribution to the philosophy of science. == Quotes == [[File:John Herschel00.jpg|thumb|So long as there shall exist varieties, or even incompatibilities of [[excellence]], — so long will the [[admiration]] of [[mankind]] be found sufficient for all who [[merit]] it.]] [[File:Sir John Frederick William Herschel. Mezzotint by W. Ward, 1 Wellcome V0002717 (cropped)-34-(brightness).jpg|thumb|I [[hope]] we shall never allow ourselves to forget the [[infinitely]] higher and more important circumstance, that it is the [[great]] [[truths]] of [[science]], that it is the interpretation of [[God]]'s great [[book]] of [[nature]], and not the men who interpret these pages, that are the ultimate objects of [[all]] this [[praise]].]] [[File:Sir John F.W. Herschel, Bart. RMG PU3683 (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[Self-respect]] is the cornerstone of [[all]] [[virtue]].]] * Of the splendid constellation of great names... we admire the living and revere dead far too warmly and too deeply to suffer us sit in judgment on their respective claims to in this or that particular discovery; to balance mathematical skill of one against the experimental dexterity of another, or the philosophical acumen a third. '''So long as "one star differs from another in glory," — so long as there shall exist varieties, or even incompatibilities of excellence, — so long will the admiration of mankind be found sufficient for all who merit it.''' ** ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=Lo4_AAAAcAAJ On the Theory of Light]'' (1828) p.494 * [[Time]]! Time! Time! — we must not impugn the Scripture Chronology, but we ''must'' interpret it in accordance with ''whatever'' shall appear on fair enquiry to be the ''[[truth]]'' for there cannot be two truths. And really there is scope enough: for the lives of the Patriarchs may as reasonably be extended to 5000 or 50000 years apiece as the days of Creation to as many thousand millions of years. ** Letter to [[w:Charles Lyell|Charles Lyell]] after being inspired by his ''Principles of Geology'' (1830-1833) * '''Were I to pray for a taste which should stand me in stead under every variety of circumstances''', and be a source of happiness and cheerfulness to me during life, and a shield against its ills, however things might go amiss and the world frown upon me, '''it would be a taste for reading... Give a man this taste, and''' the means of gratifying it, and you can hardly fail of making him a happy man; unless, indeed, you put into his hands a most perverse selection of books. '''You place him in contact with the best society in every period of history,—with the wisest, the wittiest, the tenderest, the bravest, and the purest characters who have adorned humanity. You make him a [[wikt:denizen#Noun|denizen]] of all nations, a contemporary of all ages. The world has been created for him.''' ** Address on the opening of the [[w:Eton College Collections#College Library|Eton Library]] (1833) as quoted in ''A History of Inventions, Discoveries and Origins'' (1846) by [[w:Johann Beckmann|John Beckmann]], Tr. William Johnston, Vol. 1, [https://archive.org/details/historyofinventi01unse/page/n5/mode/2up frontispiece.] * Not to feel elevated on an occasion like the present, by this noble, this magnificent testimony of approbation of my friends, is not in human nature — at all events, it is not in my nature; but if any overweaning self-complacency might arise, and mix itself with my feelings at this moment, there is one consideration which would suffice to set it at rest for ever. . . The assembly, magnificent as it is, comprising in itself, as it does, the elite of everything that is illustrious in rank, talent, wealth, in the metropolis — this very assembly is a proof of the justice to which I have adverted I should be weak indeed, if I supposed that all this glorious array has reference to myself. No; it has reference to a far higher and more dignified object. I am but as one drop in the ocean. Every man of science will feel quite as much a sharer in the honors of the day, will feel quite as much distinguished by this assembly as I can be; for when, ere this, would it have been possible to collect together such an assembly as is around me to do honor to science, place it n preeminence, and crown it with distinction? This is, indeed, a new era — this is a memorable day for science, and every man who regards truth for its own sake will feel that on this occasion the eyes of the country are on him, and that England expects every man to do his duty! By that I have been able to accomplish in Africa, I have been amply rewarded; but I stand here not so much for anything of this nature, but as the representative of a class that is distinguished — of a principle which is triumphant; and '''I hope we shall never allow ourselves to forget the infinitely higher and more important circumstance, that it is the great truths of science, that it is the interpretation of [[God]]'s great book of nature, and not the men who interpret these pages, that are the ultimate objects of all this praise.''' ** ''The Athenaeum, Journal of English Foreign Literature, Science, and the fine arts.'', London (16 June 1838), p. 555 * '''Self-respect is the cornerstone of all virtue.''' ** As quoted in ''A Toolbox for Humanity : More Than 9000 Years of Thought'' (2004) by Lloyd Albert Johnson, p. 147 * '''What [[God]] sends is welcome.''' ** Diary entry (November 1855), as quoted in ''The Shadow of the Telescope: A Biography of John Herschel'' by Günther Buttmann * [[God]] knows how ardently I wish I had ten lives ** In a letter to [[Charles Babbage]], as quoted in ''The Shadow of the Telescope: A Biography of John Herschel'' by Günther Buttmann, p. 14 === ''A Preliminary Discourse on the Study of Natural Philosophy'' (1831) === [[File:John Herschel portrait.jpg|thumb|We must never forget that it is [[principles]], not [[phenomena]], — [[laws]] not insulated independent [[facts]], — which are the objects of inquiry to the [[natural]] [[philosopher]].]] [[File:Sir John Herschel with Cap, by Julia Margaret Cameron.jpg|thumb|[[Science]] is the [[knowledge]] of many, orderly and methodically digested and arranged, so as to become attainable by one.]] [[File:Hoag's object.jpg |thumb|In whatever state of [[knowledge]] we may [[conceive]] [[Humanity|man]] to be placed, his [[progress]] towards a yet higher state need never fear a check, but must continue till the last [[existence]] of [[society]].]] * '''Man is constituted as a speculative being; he contemplates the world, and the objects around him, not with a passive indifferent eye, but as a system disposed with order and design.''' * '''We must never forget that it is [[principles]], not [[phenomena]], — [[laws]] not insulated independent [[facts]], — which are the objects of inquiry to the [[natural]] [[philosopher]].''' As [[truth]] is single, and consistent with itself, a principle may be as completely and as plainly elucidated by the most familiar and simple fact, as by the most imposing and uncommon phenomenon. The colours which glitter on a soapbubble are the immediate consequence of a principle the most important, from the variety of phenomena it explains, and the most beautiful, from its simplicity and compendious neatness, in the whole science of optics. If the nature of periodical colours can be made intelligible by the contemplation of such a trivial object, from that moment it becomes a noble instrument in the eye of correct judgment; and to blow a large, regular, and durable soap-bubble may become the serious and praise-worthy endeavour of a sage, while children stand round and scoff, or children of a larger growth hold up their hands in astonishment at such waste of time and trouble. '''To the natural philosopher there is no natural object unimportant or trifling. From the least of nature's works he may learn the greatest lessons.''' The fall of an apple to the ground may raise his thoughts to the laws which govern the revolutions of the planets in their orbits; or the situation of a pebble may afford him evidence of the state of the globe he inhabits, myriads of ages ago, before his species became its denizens. <br /> And this, is, in fact, one of the great sources of delight which the study of natural science imparts to its votaries. '''A [[mind]] which has once imbibed a taste for [[scientific]] inquiry, and has learnt the habit of applying its principles readily to the cases which occur, has within itself an inexhaustible source of pure and exciting contemplations.''' One would think that [[Shakspeare]] had such a mind in view when he describes a contemplative man as finding :: "Tongues in [[trees]] — [[books]] in the running brooks — Sermons in stones — and [[good]] in every thing." : '''Accustomed to trace the operation of general causes, and the exemplification of general laws, in circumstances where the uninformed and uninquiring eye perceives neither novelty nor [[beauty]], he walks in the midst of wonders: every object which I fells in his way elucidates some principle, affords some instruction, and impresses him with a sense of [[harmony]] and [[order]].''' Nor is it a mere passive pleasure which is thus communicated. A thousand questions are continually arising in his mind, a thousand subjects of inquiry presenting themselves, which keep his faculties in constant exercise, and his thoughts perpetually on the wing, so that lassitude is excluded from his life, and that craving after artificial excitement and dissipation of mind, which leads so many into frivolous, unworthy, and destructive pursuits, is altogether eradicated from his bosom. * '''To ascend to the origin of things and speculate on the creation, is not the business of the natural philosopher.''' An humbler field is sufficient for him in the endeavor to discover, as far as our faculties will permit; what are these primary qualities impressed on matter, and to discover the spirit of the laws of nature * [[Science]] is the [[knowledge]] of many, orderly and methodically digested and arranged, so as to become attainable by one. * The question "[[w:cui bono|cui bono]]" to what practical end and advantage do your researches tend? is one which the speculative philosopher who loves knowledge for its own sake, and enjoys, as a rational being should enjoy, the mere contemplation of harmonious and mutually dependent truths, can seldom hear without a sense of humiliation. He feels that there is a lofty and disinterested pleasure in his speculations which ought to exempt them from such questioning; communicating as they do to his own mind the purest happiness (after the exercise of the benevolent and moral feelings) of which human nature is susceptible, and tending to the injury of no one, he might surely allege this as a sufficient and direct reply to those who, having themselves little capacity, and less relish for intellectual pursuits, are constantly repeating upon him this enquiry. * Unfortunately... the philosophy of [[Aristotle]] laid it down as a principle, that the celestial motions were regulated by laws proper to themselves, and bearing no affinity to those which prevail on earth. By thus drawing a broad and impassable line of separation between celestial and terrestrial mechanics, it placed the former altogether out of the pale of experimental research, while it at the same time impeded the progress of the latter by the assumption of principles respecting natural and unnatural motions, hastily adopted from the most superficial and cursory and remark, undeserving even the name of observation. Astronomy therefore continued for ages a science of mere record, in which theory had no part, except in so far as it attempted to conciliate the inequalities of the celestial motions with that assumed law of uniform circular revolution which was alone considered consistent with the perfection of the heavenly mechanism. ** Ch.3 Of Cosmical Phenomena * '''In whatever state of knowledge we may conceive man to be placed, his progress towards a yet higher state need never fear a check, but must continue till the last existence of society.''' ** Ch. 6 Of the Causes of the actual rapid Advance of the Physical Sciences compared with their Progress at an earlier Period<!--p. 360--> ==Quotes about Herschel == [[File:Pencil hst big.jpg|thumb|There is no following of [[effects]] from [[causes]]; but as Sir John Herschel more truly says, the causes and effects are simultaneous. ~ [[George Henry Lewes]] ]] [[File:The Astronomer, by Julia Margaret Cameron.jpg|thumb|As an [[astronomer]] in the true sense of the term, Sir John Herschel stood before all his contemporaries. Nay, he stood almost [[alone]]. ~ [[Richard Anthony Proctor]] ]] :<small>Sorted alphabetically by author or source</small> *If ever this theory of the Sun-Force being the primal cause of all life on earth, and of all motion in heaven, is accepted, and if that other far bolder theory of Herschel, about certain organisms in the Sun, is accepted even as a provisional hypothesis, then will our teachings be vindicated, and Esoteric allegory will be shown to have anticipated Modern Science by millions of years, probably, for such are the Archaic Teachings. **[[H.P. Blavatsky]], [[The Secret Doctrine|''The Secret Doctrine'']], Vol. 1, p. 578 (1888) * What is there in ''Paradise Lost'' to elevate and astonish like Herschel or Somerville? ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], quoted in Robert D. Richardson, Jr., ''Emerson, the Mind On Fire'' (Univ. of Calif Press 1995), p124 * We must limit even the conception of necessary sequence, which is held to express all that is known of causation. There is no following of effects from causes; but as Sir John Herschel more truly says, the causes and effects are simultaneous. ** [[George Henry Lewes]], ''[[Aristotle: a Chapter from the History of Science]]'' (1864) * Herschel has noticed how [[Aristotle|the Stagirite]] obstructed the progress of astronomy by not identifying celestial with terrestrial mechanics, but laying down the principle that celestial motions were regulated by peculiar laws, thus placing them entirely without the pale of experimental research, while at the same time the progress of mechanics was impeded by the assumption of natural and unnatural motions. ** [[George Henry Lewes]], ''[[Aristotle: a Chapter from the History of Science]]'' (1864) commenting on Herschel's ''Discourse on Natural Philosophy'' * As an astronomer in the true sense of the term, Sir John Herschel stood before all his contemporaries. Nay, he stood almost alone. ** [[Richard Anthony Proctor]], Astronomical Essays (1872), "Sir John Herschel", p. 1. * Let me at the outset record my opinion of mathematics; I cannot do this better than by adopting, the words of Sir J. Herschel, to the influence of which I gratefully attribute the direction of my own early studies. The words are deserving of serious attention, as proceeding from one whose taste and ability had conducted him through the encyclopaedia of human knowledge; and I venture to think that at the present time they are at least as applicable as when they were addressed to a preceding generation. Sir J. Herschel says of Astronomy, "Admission to its sanctuary, and to the privileges and feelings of a votary, can only be gained by one means,—''sound and sufficient knowledge of mathematics, the great instrument of all exact inquiry, without which no man can ever make such advances in this or any other of the higher departments of science as can entitle him to form an independent opinion on any subject of discussion within their range''." ** {{w|Isaac Todhunter}}, ''The Conflict of Studies and Other Essays on Subjects Connected with Education'' (1873) [https://archive.org/details/conflictofstudie00todhuoft/conflictofstudie00todhuoft/page/66/mode/1up?view=theater p. 66.] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} * [http://www-groups.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Mathematicians/Herschel.html Brief biography] <br clear="all"> {{DEFAULTSORT:Herschel, John}} [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Astronomers from England]] [[Category:Mathematicians from England]] [[Category:Biologists from England]] [[Category:Photographers from England]] [[Category:1792 births]] [[Category:1871 deaths]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Chemists from England]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Polymaths]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] lubzi002wiywfvxo4ergql0w231nw0m 0 9774 3944476 3942771 2026-05-23T13:47:02Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944476 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Janet Jackson 5.jpg|200px|thumb|right|In complete darkness we are all the same, it is only our knowledge and wisdom that separates us, don't let your eyes deceive you.]] '''[[w:Janet Jackson|Janet Damita Jo Jackson]]''' whose father was joe Jackson (born [[May 16]], [[1966]]) is an American pop singer and actress. She began her performing career at a very young age and released her first album as a teenager, becoming one of the best-selling artists in contemporary music. == Quotes == * [[Acceptance]] is [[Righteousness|right]]. [[Kindness]] is right. [[Love]] is right. I [[pray]], right [[now]], that we're moving into a kinder [[time]] when [[prejudice]] is overcome by [[understanding]]; when narrow-mindedness, and narrow-minded [[bigotry]] is overwhelmed by open-hearted [[empathy]]; when the [[pain]] of judgmentalism is replaced by the [[purity]] of love. ** Acceptance speech of a humanitarian award from the Human Rights Campaign, as quoted in an [[http://www.pridesource.com/article.html?article=14760 AP report (19 June 2005), and "SHe said" Issue 1325 ''Between The Lines News'' (23 June 2005)] * Her father’s white. ** Claimed about US Vice President [[Kamala Harris]], quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/janet-jackson-kamala-harris-black-indian-b2616980.html "‘She’s not Black’: Janet Jackson makes shocking comments about Kamala Harris’s heritage"], ''Independent'' (September 22, 2024) == Song Lyrics == === ''[[w:Janet Jackson (album)|Janet Jackson]]'' (1982) === === ''[[w:Dream Street (album)|Dream Street]]'' (1984) === === ''[[w:Control (Janet Jackson album)|Control]]'' (1986) === *You ought to be thankful for the little things<br>But little things are all you seem to give<br> You're always putting off what we can do today<br>Soap opera says you've got one life to live<br> Who's right, who's wrong? ** ''[[w:What Have You Done for Me Lately|What Have You Done for Me Lately]]'' *I'm not a prude, I just want some respect (that's right)<br>So close the door if you want me to respond<br>Cause privacy is my middle name <br>My last name is control <br>No, my first name ain't baby <br>It's Janet — Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty ** ''[[w:Nasty (song)|Nasty]]'' === ''[[w:Rhythm Nation 1814|Rhythm Nation]]'' (1989) === *Seeing that your love's true.<br>Never I'll doubt you.<br>My heart belongs to you.<br>That's alright with me.<br>Worlds could end around me.<br>So in love that I can't see.<br>You and me were meant to be.<br>That's alright with me. ** ''[[w:Alright |Alright ]] === ''[[w:janet.|janet.]]'' (1993) === *Like a moth to a flame<br>Burned by the fire.<br>My love is blind<br>Can't you see my desire? **''[[w:That's the Way Love Goes|That's the Way Love Goes]]'' === ''[[w:The Velvet Rope|The Velvet Rope]]'' (1997) === *I feel asleep late last night<br>Crying like a newborn child<br>Holding myself close<br>Pretending my arms are yours<br>I want no one but you. ** ''[[w:I Get Lonely|I Get Lonely]]'' === ''[[w:All for You (Janet Jackson album)|All for You]]'' (2001) === *My love for you is unconditional love too<br>Gotta get up, get out, get up, get out, get up<br>And show you that it **''[[w:Doesn't Really Matter|Doesn't Really Matter]]'' === ''[[w:Damita Jo (album)|Damita Jo]]'' (2004) === *Relax... it's just sex. ** ''Sexhibition'' === ''[[w:20 Y.O.|20 Y.O.]]'' (2006) === *I don't know if I've ever felt like this before<br>But I'm sure that the way I feel, I don't want it to go<br>'Cuz I've cried my share of tears<br>And I've sang my share of blues<br>But to keep you over here, I'll do what I got to do **''[[w:Call on Me (Janet Jackson song)|Call on Me]]'' === ''[[w:Discipline (Janet Jackson album)|Discipline]]'' (2008) === *So here's my demonstration<br>A peep show<br>Tonight my body's an exhibition baby<br>Though it's on display don't be scared to<br>Touch It, It said so<br>So come and get it babe **''[[w:Feedback (Janet Jackson)|Feedback]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{Official website|http://www.janetjackson.com/}} * {{IMDb name|1390}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Jackson, Janet}} [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Actresses from Indiana]] [[Category:Models from the United States]] [[Category:Christians]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers from the United States]] [[Category:Dancers from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Music producers from the United States]] [[Category:Businesswomen from the United States]] [[Category:Designers from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:People from Gary]] [[Category:Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:Women born in the 1960s]] [[Category:Brighton Hall School alumni]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] 3mz8erhnumvjq4t0lhsik4pqzg7hl6o 0 10404 3944774 3935624 2026-05-24T07:56:52Z ~2026-31136-15 3328673 /* Quotes */ 3944774 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Patrick O'Brian|Patrick O'Brian]]''', [[w:Order of the British Empire|CBE]] ([[12 December]] [[1914]] – [[2 January]] [[2000]]), born '''Richard Patrick Russ''', was an [[England|English]] [[w:novelist|novelist]] and translator, best known for his [[w:Aubrey–Maturin series|Aubrey–Maturin series]] of novels set in the [[w:Royal Navy|Royal Navy]] during the [[w:Napoleonic Wars|Napoleonic Wars]]. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * "Come," he said, taking her by the hand and leading her to a distant sopha, "come and sit by me, and let us talk of bats." ** ''[[w:The Unknown Shore|The Unknown Shore]]'' (1959). * "And pray, what in sea language is meant by a ship?"<br>"She must have three square-rigged masts, sir," they told him kindly, "and a bowsprit; and the masts must be in three - lower, top and topgallant - for we never call a polacre a ship." ** ''[[w:Master and Commander|Master and Commander]]'' (1970) * "... He is not very sharp in some ways; and in his simple view of the world, paederasts are dangerous only to powder-monkeys and choir boys, or to those epicene creatures that are to be found in Mediterranean brothels. I made circuitous attempt at enlightening him a little, but he looked very knowing and said, 'Don't tell ''me'' about rears and vices; I have been in the Navy all my life.'"<br>"Then surely he must be wanting a little in penetration?"<br>"James, I trust there was no ''mens rea'' in that remark?" ** ''Master and Commander'' (1970) ("rears and vices" is O'Brian's homage to [[Jane Austen]]'s Mansfield Park) * “But you know as well as I, patriotism is a word; and one that generally comes to mean either my country, right or wrong, which is infamous, or my country is always right, which is imbecile.” ** ''Master and Commander'' (1970) * “This short watch that is about to come, or rather these two short watches--why are they called dog watches? Where, heu, heu, is the canine connection?"<br>"Why," said Stephen, "it is because they are curtailed of course.” ** ''[[w:Post Captain (novel)|Post Captain]]'' (1972) * "Jack,you have debauched my sloth." ** ''[[w:HMS Surprise (novel)|HMS Surprise]]'' (1973) * "My God, oh my God," he said. "Six hundred men." ** ''[[w:Desolation Island (novel)|Desolation Island]]'' (1979) * “Other people's marriages are a perpetual source of amazement.” ** ''[[w:The Commodore (O'Brian novel)|The Commodore]]'' (1995) ==Quotes about Patrick O'Brian== * Most historical novels suffer from the fatal twin defects of emphasizing the pastness of the past too much while at the same time seeking to be over-familiar with it (“Have some more of this Chian,” drawled Alcibiades). O’Brian does neither. ** [[w:John Bayley|John Bayley]], [https://www.nybooks.com/articles/1991/11/07/in-which-we-serve/ "In Which We Serve"], ''New York Review of Books'' (November 7, 1991) * O'Brian is not always easy to cite, because his many terse moments of wit and aptitude require context for their explication, and because he allows himself so much time and room for the development of his tale.. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], [https://www.nybooks.com/articles/2000/03/09/obrians-great-voyage/ "O'Brian’s Great Voyage"], ''New York Review of Books'' (March 9, 2000) *(What books might we be surprised to find on your shelves?) I don’t know, because I don’t know what you expect. Would finding all Patrick O’Brian’s Aubrey-Maturin novels be a shock? **[[Ursula K. Le Guin]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/09/books/review/ursula-k-le-guin-by-the-book.html Interview] (2015) *Charles and I read to each other every night before dinner. We're working our way with great joy through Patrick O'Brian's sea stories. I think he's a storyteller on the order of [[Rudyard Kipling|Kipling]]. Marvelous stuff. They're just a delight. **1994 interview in ''Conversations with [[Ursula Le Guin]]'' == See also == *''[[Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:O'Brian, Patrick}} [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:1914 births]] [[Category:2000 deaths]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Commanders of the Order of the British Empire]] q553rpww6hiv5vywryg6prijchdtgks 0 12485 3944477 3893413 2026-05-23T13:47:07Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944477 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Crop (2) of Camille Paglia no Fronteiras do Pensamento São Paulo 2015.jpg|thumb|I'm absolutely a feminist. The reason other feminists don't like me is that I criticize the movement, explaining that it needs a correction. Feminism has betrayed women, alienated men and women, replaced dialogue with political correctness.]] [[File:Radical feminism.svg|thumb|Equal opportunity feminism, which I espouse, demands the removal of all barriers to woman's advance in the political and professional world — but not at the price of special protections for women which are infantilizing and anti-democratic.]] '''[[w:Camille Paglia|Camille Paglia]]''' (born [[2 April]] [[1947]]) is an American author, scholar, [[feminist]] and critic, best known for writing ''[[w:Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson|Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson]]'', a survey of Western art and literature from earliest recorded history to the 20th Century. == Quotes == * '''It was intended to please no one and to offend everyone. The entire process of the book was to discover the repressed elements of contemporary culture, whatever they are, and palpate them.''' One of the main premises was to demonstrate that pornography is everywhere in major art. Art history as written is completely sex free, repressive and puritanical. I want precision and historical knowledge, but at the same time, I try to zap it with pornographic intensity. ** Response to criticism of ''[[w:Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson|Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson]]'', as quoted in [http://www.playboy.co.uk/article/16659/20q-camille-paglia "20Q: Camille Paglia" by Warren Kalbacker in ''Playboy'' magazine (October 1991)]; also in ''Gauntlet'' # 4 (1992), p. 133 * '''I have been studying it [sexuality] since before it became fashionable.''' At the Yale Grad School, for example, where I was from 1968 to 1972, I was literally the only person in the humanities departments doing a dissertation on sex — hard to believe now, but I was a real pioneer and I took the career hit for it. It was considered tacky, low, not serious — my dears, I was absolutely scouring the Yale archives for every bit of dirt on homosexuality, sadomasochism, transvestism — you name it. That is the basis of the research for my first book, ''Sexual Personae'', which was my dissertation. ** When asked "why you write about sex?" [http://privat.ub.uib.no/BUBSY/aolpag.htm Paglia on AOL (11 September 1996)] * '''Men are run ragged by female sexuality all their lives. From the beginning of his life to the end, no man ever fully commands any woman. It's an illusion.''' Men are pussy-whipped. And they know it. That's what the strip clubs are about; not woman as victim, not woman as slave, but woman as goddess. ** As quoted in ''Sexuality and Gender'' (2002) by Christine R. Williams and Arlene Stein, p. 213 <small> {{ISBN|0631222723}} </small> * The feminist line is, strippers and topless dancers are degraded, subordinated, and enslaved; they are victims, turned into objects by the display of their anatomy. But women are far from being victims — women rule; they are in total control … the feminist analysis of prostitution says that men are using money as power over women. I'd say, yes, that's all that men ''have''. '''The money is a confession of weakness. They have to buy women's attention. It's not a sign of power; it's a sign of weakness.''' ** As quoted in ''Sexuality and Gender'' (2002) by Christine R. Williams and Arlene Stein, p. 213 * '''The only antidote to the magic of images is the magic of words.''' ** ''Break, Blow, Burn'' (2005) * As texting has become the default discourse for an entire generation, the ability to read real-life facial expressions and body language is alarmingly atrophying. ** ''Provocations: Collected Essays on Art, Feminism, Politics, Sex, and Education'' * Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist. ** As quoted in ''Sex from Plato to Paglia : A Philosophical Encyclopedia'' (2006) by Alan Soble, Volume 2, p. 378, <small> {{ISBN|9780313334252}} </small> * Let's get rid of Infirmary Feminism, with its bedlam of bellyachers, anorexics, bulimics, depressives, rape victims, and incest survivors. Feminism has become a catch-all vegetable drawer where bunches of clingy sob sisters can store their moldy neuroses. **As quoted in ''The Quotable Bitch: Women Who Tell It Like It Really Is'' (2007) edited by Jessie Shiers, p. 167 <small> {{ISBN|9781599212135}} </small> * She is a brittle, relentless manipulator with few stable core values who shuffles through useful personalities like a card shark ("Cue the tears!"). Forget all her little gold crosses: Hillary's real god is political expediency. Do Americans truly want this hard-bitten Machiavellian back in the White House? Day one will just be more of the same. ** On [[Hillary Rodham Clinton]], in [http://www.salon.com/opinion/paglia/2008/01/10/hillary/ "Camille Paglia on Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Iran and More" at Salon.com (8 January 2008)] * I plan to vote for [[Barack Obama]] in the Pennsylvania primary because he is a rational, centered personality who speaks the language of idealism and national unity. Obama has served longer as an elected official than Hillary. He has had experience as a grass-roots activist, and he is also a highly educated lawyer who will be a quick learner in office. His international parentage and childhood, as well as his knowledge of both Christianity and Islam, would make him the right leader at the right time. And his wife [[Michelle Obama|Michelle]] is a powerhouse. The Obamas represent the future, not the past. ** "Camille Paglia on Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Iran and More" at Salon.com (8 January 2008) * Popular culture is the new Babylon, into which so much art and intellect now flow. It is our imperial sex theater, supreme temple of the western eye. '''We live in the age of idols. The pagan past, never dead, flames again in our mystic hierarchies of stardom. ''' ** As quoted in "Babylon Nights : A David Spandau Novel" (2010) by Daniel Depp <small> {{ISBN|978-1-4391-0146-9}} </small> === ''[[w:Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson|Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson]]'' (1990)=== [[File:Minoan frescos in the National Archaeological Museum in Athens 02.JPG|thumb|The last western society to worship female powers was Minoan Crete.]] [[File:Kali Devi.jpg|thumb|The moral ambivalence of the great mother goddesses has been conveniently forgotten by those American feminists who have resurrected them.]] [[File:Firmin Baes - Doux rêves.jpg|thumb|Modern liberalism suffers unresolved contradictions. It exalts individualism and freedom and, on its radical wing, condemns social orders as oppressive. On the other hand, it expects governments to provide materially for all, a feat manageable only by an expansion of authority and a swollen bureaucracy. In other words, liberalism defines government as tyrant father but demands it behave as nurturant mother. Feminism has inherited these contradictions.]] [[File:Baby's smile.jpg|thumb|Masculine identity is embattled and fragile.]] * ''Sexual Personae'' seeks to demonstrate the unity and continuity of western culture — something that has inspired little belief since the period before World War I. ** p. xiii * My stress on the truth in sexual stereotypes and on the biologic basis of sex differences is sure to cause controversy. ** p. xiii * '''In the beginning was nature. The background from which and against our ideas of God were formed, nature remains the supreme moral problem. We cannot hope to understand sex and gender until we clarify our attitude toward nature. Sex is a subset to nature. Sex is the natural in man.''' ** Opening sentence, p. 1 * Society is a system of inherited forms reducing our humiliating passivity to nature. We may alter these forms, slowly or suddenly, but no change in society will change nature. ** p. 1 * Human life began in flight and fear. Religion rose from rituals of propitiation, spells to lull the punishing elements. ** p. 1 * Sexuality and eroticism are the intricate intersection of nature and culture. Feminists grossly oversimplify the problem of sex when they reduce it a matter of social convention: readjust society, eliminate sexual inequality, purify sex roles, and happiness and harmony will reign. Here feminism, like all liberal movements of the past two hundred years, is heir to [[w:Rousseau|Rousseau]]. ** p. 1 *Society is not the criminal but the force which keeps crime in check. When social controls weaken, man’s innate cruelty bursts forth. The rapist is created not by bad social conditioning influences but by a failure of social conditioning. Feminists, seeking to drive power relations out of sex, have set themselves against nature. In western culture, there are no nonexploitative relationships. Everyone has killed in order to live. Nature’s universal law of creation from destruction operates in mind as in matter. As Freud, Nietzsche’s heir, asserts, identity is conflict. <b>Each generation drives its plow over the bones of the dead.</b> ** p. 2 * Feminism has exceeded its proper mission of seeking political equality for women and has ended by rejecting contingency, that is, human limitation by nature or fate. ** p. 3 * Sexual freedom, sexual liberation. A modern delusion. We are hierarchical animals. Sweep one hierarchy away, and another will take its place, perhaps less palatable than the first. ** p. 3 * Modern liberalism suffers unresolved contradictions. It exalts individualism and freedom and, on its radical wing, condemns social orders as oppressive. On the other hand, it expects governments to provide materially for all, a feat manageable only by an expansion of authority and a swollen bureaucracy. In other words, liberalism defines government as tyrant father but demands it behave as nurturant mother. Feminism has inherited these contradictions. ** p. 3 * The search for freedom through sex is doomed to failure. ** p. 4 * Sex cannot be understood because nature cannot be understood. Science is a method of logical analysis of nature’s operations. It has lessened human anxiety about the cosmos by demonstrating the materiality of nature’s forces, and their frequent predictability. But science is always playing catch-up ball. Nature breaks its own rules whenever it wants. <b>Science cannot avert a single thunderbolt.</b> Western science is a product of the Apollonian mind: its hope is that by naming and classification, by the cold light of intellect, archaic night can be pushed back and defeated. ** p. 5 * Our focus on the pretty is an Apollonian strategy. The leaves and flowers, the birds, the hills are a patchwork pattern by which we map the known. What the West represses in its view of nature is '''the chthonian, which means "of the earth"—but earth's bowels, not its surface.''' Jane Harrison uses the term for pre-Olympian Greek religion, and I adopt it as a substitute for [[w:Dionysian|Dionysian]], which has become contaminated with vulgar pleasantries. '''The Dionysian is no picnic.''' It is the chthonian realities which [[Apollo]] evades, the blind grinding of subterranean force..., the dehumanizing brutality of biology and geology, the Darwinian waste and bloodshed, the squalor and rot we must block from consciousness to retain our Apollonian integrity as persons. Western science and aesthetics are attempts to revise this horror into imaginatively palatable form. ** p. 6 * The moral ambivalence of the great mother goddesses has been conveniently forgotten by those American feminists who have resurrected them. We cannot grasp nature's bare blade without shedding our own blood. ** p. 8 * Western culture from the start has swerved from femaleness. The last western society to worship female powers was Minoan Crete. And significantly, that fell and did not rise again. ** p. 8 * Judaism, Christianity’s parent sect, is the most powerful of protests against nature. The Old Testament asserts that a father god made nature and that the differentiation into objects and gender was after the fact of his maleness. Judeo-Christianity, like Greek worship of the Olympian gods, is a sky-cult. It is an advanced stage in the history of religion, which everywhere began as earth-cult, veneration of fruitful nature. ** p. 8 * The evolution of earth-cult to sky-cult shifts woman into the nether realm. Her mysterious procreative powers and the resemblance of her rounded breasts, belly, and hips to earth’s contours put her at the center of early symbolism. She was the model for the Great Mother figures who crowded the birth of religion worldwide. But the mother cults did not mean freedom for women. On the contrary […] cult objects are prisoners of their own symbolic inflation. Every totem lives in taboo. ** p. 8 * Woman was an idol of belly-magic. She seemed to swell and give birth by her own law. From the beginning of time, woman has seemed an uncanny being. Man honored but feared her. She was the black maw that had spat him forth and would devour him anew. Men, bonding together, invented culture as a defense against female nature. Sky-cult was the most sophisticated step in this process, for its switch of the creative locus from earth to sky is a shift from belly-magic to head-magic. And from this defensive head-magic has come the spectacular glory of male civilization, which has lifted woman with it. The very language and logic modern woman uses to assail patriarchal culture were the invention of men. ** p. 9 *All the genres of philosophy, science, high art, athletics and politics were invented by men. But by the Promethean law of conflict and capture, woman has a right to seize what she will and vie with man on her own terms. ** p. 9 * The female body is a chthonian machine, indifferent to the spirit who inhabits it. ** p. 10 * We have an evolutionary revulsion from slime, the site of our biologic origins. Every month, it is woman's fate to face the abyss of time and being, the abyss which is herself. ** p. 11 * [[The Bible]] has come under fire for making woman the fall guy in man's cosmic drama. But in casting a male conspirator, the serpent, as God's enemy, Genesis hedges and does not take its misogyny far enough. The Bible defensively swerves from God's true opponent, chthonian nature. <b> The serpent is not outside Eve but in her. She is the garden and the serpent.</b> ** p. 11 * The Devil is a woman. ** p. 11 * In every premenstrual woman struggling to govern her temper, sky-cult wars again with earth-cult. ** p. 12 * Most of western culture is a distortion of reality. But reality ''should'' be distorted; that is, imaginatively amended. The Buddhist acquiescence to nature is neither accurate about nature nor just to human potential. ** p. 13 * Metaphorically, every vagina has secret teeth, for the male exits as less than when he entered. The basic mechanics of conception require action in the male but nothing more than passive receptivity in the female. ** p. 13 * Nature is a Darwinian spectacle of the eaters and the eaten. All phases of procreation are ruled by appetite: sexual intercourse, from kissing to penetration, consists of movements of barely controlled cruelty and consumption. The long pregnancy of the human female and the protracted childhood of her infant, who is not self-sustaining for seven years or more, have produced the agon of psychological dependency that burdens the male for a lifetime. <b>Man justifiably fears being devoured by woman, who is nature’s proxy.</b> ** p. 16 * Repression is an evolutionary adaptation permitting us to function under the burden of our expanded consciousness. For what we are conscious of could drive us mad. ** p. 16 * The mystique of the [[w:femme fatale|femme fatale]] cannot be perfectly translated into male terms. ** p. 15 [[File:Ilfuoco.jpg|thumb|The mystique of the [[w:femme fatale|femme fatale]] cannot be perfectly translated into male terms.]] [[File:New five dollar bill.jpg|thumb|Capitalism is an art form.]] [[File:Creation of Adam Michelangelo.jpg|thumb|The book of Genesis is a male declaration of independence from the ancient mother-cults. Its challenge to nature, so sexist to modern ears, marks one of the crucial moments in western history.]] * Mind is a captive of the body. ** p. 17 * Every man harbors an inner female territory ruled by his mother, from whom he can never entirely break free. ** p. 18 * Love for all means coldness to something or someone. Even Jesus, let us recall, was unnecessarily rude to his mother at Cana. ** p. 18 * Not until all babies are born from glass jars will the combat cease between mother and son. ** p. 19 * Every fetus becomes female unless it is steeped in male hormone, produced by a signal from the testes. Before birth, therefore, a male is already beyond the female. But to be beyond is to be exiled from the center of life. Men know they are sexual exiles. They wander the earth seeking satisfaction, craving and despising, never content. There is nothing in that anguished motion for women to envy. ** p. 19 * An erection is ''a thought'' and the orgasm an act of the imagination. The male has to will his sexual authority before the woman who is a shadow of his mother and of all women. Failure and humiliation constantly wait in the wings. No woman has to prove herself a woman in the grim way a man has to prove himself a man. He must perform, or the show does not go on. Social convention is irrelevant. A flop is a flop. ** p. 20 * Women have conceptualized less in history not because men have kept them from doing so but because women do not need to conceptualize in order to exist. […] Fetishism, for instance, a practice which like most of the sex perversions is confined to men, is clearly a conceptualizing or symbol-making activity. Man’s vastly greater commercial patronage of pornography is analogous. ** p. 20 * The female body’s unbearable hiddenness applies to all aspects men’s dealings with women. What does it look like in there? Did she have an orgasm? Is it really my child? Who was my real father? Mystery surrounds women’s sexuality. This mystery is the main reason for the imprisonment man has imposed on women. Only by confining his wife in a locked harem guarded by eunuchs could he be certain that her son was also his. ** p. 22 * The reform of a college English department cuts no ice down at the corner garage. ** p. 22 * That nature acts differently upon the sexes is proved by the test case of modern male and female homosexuality, illustrating how the sexes function separately outside social conventions. The results, according to statistics of sexual frequency: male satyriasis and female nesting. The male homosexual has more sex than his heterosexual counterpart; the female homosexual less often than hers, a radical polarization of the sexes along a single continuum of shared sexual nonconformity. Male aggression and lust are the energizing factors in culture. They are men’s tools of survival in the pagan vastness of female nature. ** p. 26 * The old “double standard” gave men a sexual liberty denied to women. Marxist feminists reduced the historical cult of woman’s virginity to her property value, her worth on the male marriage market. I would argue instead that there was and is a biological basis to the double standard. The first medical reports on the disease killing male homosexuals [i.e., AIDS] indicated men most at risk were those with a thousand partners over their lifetime. Incredulity. Who could such people be? Why, it turns out, everyone one knew. Serious, kind, literate men, not bums or thugs. ** p. 27 * Freud says, “Man fears that his strength will be taken from him by woman, dreads becoming infected with her femininity and then proving himself a weakling.” Masculinity must fight off effeminacy day by day. Woman and nature stand ever ready to reduce the male to boy and infant. ** p. 27 * Everything great in western culture has come from the quarrel with nature. ** p. 28 * Only utopian liberals could be surprised that the Nazis were art connoisseurs. ** p. 29 * The artist makes art not to save mankind but to save himself. Every benevolent comment by an artist is a fog to cover his tracks, the bloody trail of his assault against reality and others. ** p. 29 * The English language was created by poets, a five-hundred year enterprise of emotion and metaphor, the richest dialogue in world literature. French rhetorical models are too narrow for the English tradition. Most pernicious of French imports is the notion that there is no person behind a text. Is there anything <i>more</i> affected, aggressive, and relentlessly concrete than a Parisian intellectual behind his/her turgid text? The Parisian is a provincial when he pretends to speak for the universe. ** p. 34 * Pornography’s male-born explicitness renders visible what is invisible, woman’s chthonic internality. It tries to shed Apollonian light on woman’s anxiety-provoking darkness. The vulgar contortionism of pornography is the serpentine tangle of Medusan nature. Pornography is human imagination in tense theatrical action; its violations are a protest against the violations of our freedom by nature. The banning of pornography, rightly sought by Judeo-Christianity, would be a victory over the west’s stubborn paganism. But pornography cannot be banned, only driven underground, where its illicit charge will be enhanced. ** p. 35 * The idea that emotion can be separated from sex is a Christian illusion, one of the most ingenious but finally unworkable strategies in Christianity’s ancient campaign against pagan nature. ** p. 35 * In the past fifteen years, Marxist approaches towards literature have enjoyed increasing vogue. To be conscious of the social context of art seems to automatically entail a leftist orientation. But a theory is possible that is both avant-garde <I>and</i> capitalist. Marxism was one of Rousseau’s nineteenth-century progeny, energized by faith in the perfectabilty of man. Its belief that economic forces are the primary dynamic force in history is Romantic naturism in disguise. … Marxism is the bleakest of anxiety-formations against the power of cthonian mothers. ** p. 36 * Marxism is a flight from the magic of the person and the mystique of hierarchy. It distorts the character of western culture, which is based on the charismatic power of person. Marxism can work only in pre-industrial societies of homogeneous populations. Raise the standard of living, and the rainbow riot of individualism will break out. Personality and art, which Marxism fears and censors, rebound from every effort to oppress them. ** p. 36 * We could make an epic catalog of male achievements, from paved roads, indoor plumbing, and washing machine to eyeglasses, antibiotics and disposable diapers. We enjoy safe, fresh milk and meat, and vegetables and tropical fruits heaped in snowbound cities. When I cross the George Washington Bridge or any of America’s great bridges, I think: <I>men</i> have done this. <b>Construction is a sublime male poetry.</b> When I see a giant crane passing on a flatbed truck, I pause in awe and reverence as would for a church processions. ** p. 37 * Capitalism, gaudy and greedy, has been inherent in western aesthetics from ancient Egypt on. It is the mysticism and glamour of ''things'', which take on a personality of their own. As an economic system, it is in the Darwinian line of Sade, not Rousseau. ** p. 37 * The capitalist distribution network, a complex chain of factory, transport, warehouse and retail outlet, is one of the greatest male accomplishments in the history of culture. **p. 37 [[File:EvilDick.jpg|thumb|One of feminism’s irritating reflexes is its fashionable disdain for “patriarchal society,” to which nothing good is ever attributed.]] [[File:Nefertiti_bust2.jpg|thumb|Nefertiti is like Athena born from the brow of Zeus, a head-heavy armored goddess. She is beautiful but desexed.]] * One of feminism’s irritating reflexes is its fashionable disdain for “patriarchal society,” to which nothing good is ever attributed. But it is patriarchal society that has freed me as a woman. It is capitalism that has given me the leisure to sit at this desk writing this book. Let us stop being small-minded about men and freely acknowledge what treasures their obsessiveness has poured into culture. ** p. 37 * If civilization had been left in female hands, we would still be living in grass huts. **p. 38 * '''Capitalism is an art form.''' ** p. 38 * '''The book of Genesis is a male declaration of independence from the ancient mother-cults. Its challenge to nature, so sexist to modern ears, marks one of the crucial moments in western history.''' Mind can never be free of matter. Only by mind ''imagining'' itself free can culture advance. The mother-cults, by reconciling man to nature, entrapped him in matter. '''Everything great in western civilization has come from struggling against our origins.''' Genesis is rigid and unjust, but it gave man hope as a man. It remade the world by male dynasty, canceling the power of mothers. ** p. 40 * Not a shred of evidence supports the existence of matriarchy anywhere in the world at any time. [...] The matriarchy hypothesis, revived by American feminism, continues to flourish outside the university ** p. 42 * The toothed vagina is no sexist hallucination: every penis is made less by every vagina, just as mankind, male and female, is devoured by mother nature. The vagina dentata is part of the Romantic revival of pagan myth. It is subliminally present in Poe’s voracious maelstrom and dank, scythe-swept pit. It overtly appears in the bible of French Decadence, [[w:Joris-Karl Huysmans|Huysmans]]’s <I>A Rebours</I> (1884), where a dreamer is magnetically drawn towards mother nature’s open thighs, the “bloody depths” of a carnivorous flower rimmed by “swordblades.” ** p. 47 * '''Male mastery in marriage is a social illusion, nurtured by women exhorting their creations to play and walk. At the emotional heart of every marriage is a pietà of mother and son.''' ** p. 53 * Art advances by self-mutilation of the artist. ** p. 54 * The [[Nefertiti]] bust is one of the most popular art works in the world. It is printed on scarves and molded in necklace pendants and coffee-table miniatures. But never in my experience is the bust exactly reproduced. The copyist softens it, feminizes it and humanizes it. The actual bust is intolerably severe. It is too uncanny an object for domestic display. Even art books lie. The bust is usually posed in profile or at an angle, so that the missing left pupil is hidden or shadowed. What happened to the eye? ** p. 67 * Nefertiti is like Athena born from the brow of [[Zeus]], a head-heavy armored goddess. She is beautiful but desexed. ** p. 71 * [[Homer|Homeric]] mind is ingenuity, practical intelligence. There is no [[Rodin]]-like deep thinking, no mathematical or philosophical speculation. Odysseus thinks with his hands. ** p. 85 * At the opening of the Odyssey, Telemachus, inspired by the male-born Athena, searches for his father by turning against his mother. Jesus too publicly spurns his mother to be about his father’s business. Male adulthood begins with the breaking of female chains. ** p. 89 * Male tumescence is an assertion of the separateness of objects. An erection is architectural, sky-pointing. Female tumescence, through blood or water, is slow, gravitational, amorphous. In the war for human identity, male tumescence is an instrument, female tumescence an obstruction. The fatty female body is a sponge. At peak menstrual and natal moments, it is locked passively in place, suffering wave after wave of Dionysian power. ** p. 91 * The Apollonian and Dionysian, two great western principles, govern sexual personae in life and art. My theory is this: Dionysus is identification, Apollo objectification. Dionysus is the empathic, the sympathetic, emotion transporting us into other people, other palaces, other times. Apollo is the hard, cold separation of western personality and categorical thought. Dionysus is energy, ecstasy, hysteria, promiscuity, emotionalism -- heedless indiscriminateness of idea or practice. Apollo is obsessiveness, voyeurism, idolatry, fascism -- frigidity and aggression of the eye, petrification of objects. … The quarrel between Apollo and Dionysus is the quarrel between the higher cortex and the older limbic and reptilian brains. ** p. 96 * Women played no part in Athenian high culture. They could not vote, attend the theatre, or walk in the stoa talking philosophy. But the male orientation of Greek culture was inseparable of its genius. '''Athens became great not despite but because of its misogyny'''. ** p. 100 * The ''Orestia'' shows that society is a defense against nature. Everything intelligible -- institutions, objects, persons, ideas -- is the result of Apollonian clarification, adjudication, and action. Western politics, science, psychology and art are creations of arrogant Apollo. Through every century, winning or losing, western mind has struggled to keep nature at bay. The ''Orestia’s'' sexist transition from matriarchy to patriarchy records the rebellion every imagination must make against nature. Without that rebellion, we as a species are condemned to regression or stasis. Even rebelling, we cannot get far. But vying with fate is godlike. ** p. 101 * Greek pederasty honored the erotic magnetism of male adolescence in a way that today brings police to the door. Children are more conscious and perverse than parents like to think. ** p. 115 * Visionary idealism is a male art form. The lesbian aesthete does not exist. But if there were one, she would have learned from the perverse male mind. ** p. 117 * Women have ironically enjoyed a greater symbolic, if not practical freedom. Thus it is that male and not female homosexuality has been harshly punished by law. A debater in Lucian declares, “Far better that a women, in the madness of her lust, should usurp the nature of man, than that man’s noble nature should be so degraded as to play the woman.” Similarly today, lesbian interludes are a staple of heterosexual pornography. Ever since man emerged from the dominance of nature, masculinity has been the most fragile and problematic of psychic states. ** p. 125 * Effeminate men have suffered a bad press the world over. ** p. 125 * Judaism’s campaign to make divinity invisible has never fully succeeded. Images are always eluding moral control, creating the brilliant western art tradition. Idolatry is fascism of the eye. The western eye will be served, with or without the consent of conscience. ** p. 139 * What is [[w:Mona Lisa|Mona Lisa]] thinking? Nothing, of course. Her blankness is her menace and our fear. [...] [[w:Walter Pater|Walter Pater]] is to call her a 'vampire,' coasting through history on her secret tasks. ** p. 154 * Oil painting and color, said Michelangelo, are for “women and the lazy.” His sharp-edged Apollonian style is the only way to beat back mother nature. ** p. 158 * I cannot be convinced that great artists are moralists. Art is first appearances, then meaning. ** p. 166 * ''The Fairie Queene'' makes cinema out of the west's primary principle: to see is to know; to know is to control. The Spenserian eye cuts, wounds, rapes. ** p. 173 * ''The Faerie Queene'' is the most extended and extensive meditation on sex in the history of poetry. It charts the entire erotic spectrum, a great chain of being rising from matter to spirit, from the coarsest lust to chastity and romantic idealism. The poem’s themes of sex and politics are parallel: the psyche, like society, must be disciplined by good government. Spenser agrees with the classical and Christian philosophers on the primacy of reason over animal appetites. He looks forward to the Romantic poets, however, in the way that he shows the sex impulse as ultimately daemonic and barbaric, breeding witches and sorcerers of evil allure. Like the <I>Odyssey</i>, <I>The Faerie Queene</i> is a heroic epic in which the masculine must evade female traps or delays. ** p. 188 [[File:Mona Lisa, by Leonardo da Vinci, from C2RMF retouched.jpg|thumb|What is Mona Lisa thinking? Nothing, of course.]] [[File:Black-white photograph of Emily Dickinson2.png|thumb|Even the best critical writing on [[Emily Dickinson]] underestimates her. She is frightening.]] * The sixteenth century transformed Middle English into modern English. Grammar was up for grabs. People made up vocabulary and syntax as they went along. Not until the eighteenth century would rules of English usage appear. Shakespearean language is a bizarre super-tongue, alien and plastic, twisting, turning, and forever escaping. It is untranslatable, since it knocks Anglo-Saxon root words against Norman and Greco-Roman importations sweetly or harshly, kicking us up and down rhetorical levels with witty abruptness. No one in real life ever spoke like Shakespeare’s characters. His language does not “make sense,” especially in the greatest plays. Anywhere from a third to a half of every Shakespearean play, I conservatively estimate, will always remain under an interpretive cloud. Unfortunately, this fact is obscured by the encrustations of footnotes in modern texts, which imply to the poor cowed student that if only he knew what the savants do, all would be as clear as day. Every time I open ''Hamlet'', I am stunned by its hostile virtuosity, its elusiveness and impenetrability. Shakespeare uses language to darken. He suspends the traditional compass points of rhetoric, still quite firm in [[w:Christopher Marlowe|Marlowe]], normally regarded as Shakespeare’s main influence. Shakespeare’s words have “aura.” This he got from [[w:Edmund Spenser|Spenser]], not Marlowe. ** p. 195 [[File:The Rising Milky Way over Uluru.jpg|thumb|The idea that the stars literally influence men (by a falling fluid, an ''influenza'') is plainly untenable. But that the movements of the [[constellation]]s are a clock by which earthly changes can be measured is less easy to dismiss.]] [[File:ETH-BIB-Jung, Carl Gustav (1875-1961)-Portrait-Portr 14163 (cropped).tif|thumb|I subscribe to Jung's theory of [[synchronicity]].]] * The idea that the stars literally influence men (by a falling fluid, an ''influenza'') is plainly untenable. But that the movements of the [[constellation]]s are a clock by which earthly changes can be measured is less easy to dismiss. ** p. 222 * I subscribe to [[Carl Jung|Jung's]] theory of [[synchronicity]]. ** p. 222 * Romanticism, like the [[W:Rousseau|Rousseauist]] Swinging Sixties, misunderstands the Dionysian as the pleasure principle, when it is in fact the gross continuum of pleasure-pain. Worshiping nature and seeking political and sexual freedom, Romanticism ends in imaginative entrammelment of every kind. Perfect freedom is intolerable and therefore impossible. ** p. 231 * We remain in the Romantic cycle initiated by Rousseau: liberal idealism canceled by violence, barbarism, disillusionment and cynicism. ** p. 232 * In Romanticism, unlike the Renaissance, Amazons retain their power. Rousseau wants it both ways. Idolizing women is natural and right, a cosmic law. On the other hand, male recessiveness is blamed on female coercion. Either way, sadomasochistic dominance and submission are inherent in Rousseausism from the start. ** p. 232 * Sade has barely made a dent on American academic consciousness. It is his violence far more than his sex which is so hard for liberals to accept. For Sade, sex <I>is</i> violence. '''Violence is the authentic spirit of mother nature.''' ** p. 235 * Simply follow nature, Rousseau declares. Sade, laughing grimly, agrees. ** p. 235 * Serial or sex murder, like fetishism, is a perversion of male intelligence. It is a criminal abstraction, masculine in its deranged egoism and orderliness. It is the asocial equivalent of philosophy, mathematics and music. <b>There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.</b> ** p. 247 * Every male copulating with a woman returns to his origins in the womb. Goethe postponed intercourse until he was forty. This must be related to his self-imposed distance from his forceful mother. To refuse phallic penetration is to refuse surrender to the female matrix. ** p. 257 [[File:Stamp Mozart.jpg|thumb|There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.]] [[File:Henry James.jpg|thumb|Why more people are not seen rushing shrieking from libraries, shredding [[Henry James|James]] novels in their hands, I cannot say.]] * The Gothic tradition was begun by Ann Radcliffe, a rare example of a woman creating an artistic style. ** p. 265 * The thrill of terror is passive, masochistic, and implicitly feminine. It is imaginative submission to overwhelming superior force. ** p. 267 * Butchery is not the point of vampirism. Sex - domination and submission - is. ** 268 * Woman's flirtatious arts of self-concealment mean man's approach must take the form of rape. ** p. 276 * Personality maintains its discreetness by an act of will. Otherwise one person will flow helplessly into another. ** p. 293 * In 'A Room of One's Own', [[W:Virginia Woolf|Virginia Woolf]] satirically describes her perplexity at the bulging card catalog of the British Museum: why, she asks, are there so many books written by men about women but none by women about men? The answer to her question is that from the beginning of time men have been struggling with the threat of woman's dominance. ** p. 295 * Gautier says, “Baudelaire abhorred philanthropy, progressivists, utilitarians, humanitarians and utopianists.” In other words, Baudelaire condemned Rousseausism in all its forms. Today, Rousseausism has so triumphed that the arts and the avant-garde are synonymous with liberalism, an error enforced by literature teachers, with their humanist bias. I follow the Decadents in trying to drive Rousseauist benevolence out of the discourse in art and literature. The Decadents satirized the liberal faith in progress with sizzling prophecies of catastrophe and cultural collapse. ** p. 429 * Tranvestism is far more common among men, I noted, because it originates in the primary relation of mother and son. ** p. 508 * Charisma is the radiance produced by the interaction of male and female elements in a gifted personality. The charismatic woman has a masculine force and severity. The charismatic man has an entrancing female beauty. Both are hot and cold, glowing with presexual self-love. ** p. 521 * The reason Wilde did his best work after turning homosexual is that women simply reinforced his own feminine sentimentality. … Heterosexuality inhibited his imagination because woman is physically and psychologically internal. ** p. 571 * [Henry] James’s repressions and evasions are many, varied and exhausting. Why more people are not seen rushing shrieking from libraries, shredding James novels in their hands, I cannot say. I used to wonder whether enthusiasm for him was based on identification, since his passive, tentative heroes resemble many academics. Perhaps what is intolerable is his enshrinement in a soporific criticism. So much must be overlooked to crown him with laurel. **p. 622 * '''Even the best critical writing on [[Emily Dickinson]] underestimates her. She is frightening.''' To come to her directly from [[Dante Alighieri|Dante]], [[Edmund Spenser|Spenser]], [[William Blake|Blake]], and [[Charles Baudelaire|Baudelaire]] is to find her sadomasochism obvious and flagrant. Birds, bees, and amputated hands are the dizzy stuff of this poetry. Dickinson is like the homosexual cultist draping himself in black leather and chains to bring the idea of masculinity into aggressive visibility. ** p. 624 * Emily Dickinson is the female Sade, and her poems are the prison dreams of a self-incarcerated, sadomasochistic imaginist. When she is rescued from American Studies departments and juxtaposed with Dante and Baudelaire, her barbarities and diabolical acts of will become glaringly apparent. Dickinson inherits through Blake the rape cycle of <I>The Faerie Queene</i>. Blake and Spenser are her allies in helping pagan Coleridge defeat Protestant Wordsworth. ** p. 624 * Richard Chase declares, "No great poet has written so much bad verse as Emily Dickinson." He blames the Victorian cult of little women for the fact that "two thirds of her work" is seriously flawed: "Her coy and oddly childish poems of nature and female friendship are products of a time when one of the careers open to women was perpetual childhood." Dickinson's sentimental feminine poems remain neglected by embarrassed scholars. I would maintain, however, that her poetry is a closed system of sexual reference and that the mawkish poems are designed to dovetail with those of violence and suffering. ** p. 637 * Women have been discouraged from genres such as sculpture that require studio training or expensive materials. But in philosophy, mathematics, and poetry, the only materials are pen and paper. Male conspiracy cannot explain all female failures. I am convinced that, even without restrictions, there still would have been no female [[w:Blaise Pascal|Pascal]], [[w:John Milton|Milton]], or [[w:Kant|Kant]]. Genius is not checked by social obstacles: it will overcome. Men's egotism, so disgusting in the talentless, is the source of their greatness as a sex. [...] Even now, with all vocations open, I marvel at the rarity of the woman driven by artistic or intellectual obsession, that self-mutilating derangement of social relationship which, in its alternate forms of crime and ideation, is the disgrace and glory of the human species. ** p. 653 * It is no coincidence that while some major female artists have married, very few have borne children. The issue is not conservation of energy but imaginative integrity. Art is its own self-swelling, proof that the mind is greater than the body. ** p. 660 *[[w:Sappho|Sappho]] is a great poet ''because'' she is a lesbian, which gives her erotic access to the Muse. Sappho and the homosexual-tending Emily Dickinson stand alone above women poets, because poetry's mystical energies are ruled by a hierach requiring the sexual subordination of her petitioners. Women have achieved more as novelists than as poets because the social novel operates outside the ancient marriage of myth and eroticism. ** p. 672 === ''Sex, Art and American Culture : New Essays'' (1992) === :<small>{{ISBN|9780679741015}}</small> [[File:Mainade Staatliche Antikensammlungen 2645.jpg|thumb|Feminism, coveting [[social power]], is blind to women’s cosmic sexual power.]] * In today's impoverished dialogue, critiques of liberalism are often naively called "conservative," as if twenty-five hundred years of Western intellectual tradition presented no other alternatives. ** p. vii * Professors of humanities, with all their leftist fantasies, have little direct knowledge of American life and no impact whatever on public policy. ** p. ix * We do not need French [[post-structuralism]], whose pedantic jargon, clumsy convolutions, and prissy abstractions have spread throughout academe and the arts and are now blighting the most promising minds of the next generation. This is a major crisis if there ever was one, and every sensible person must help bring it to an end. ** p. ix * Academic Marxists, with their elitist sense of superiority to popular taste, are the biggest snobs in America. ** p. ix * When in doubt, I read [[w:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde]]. ** p. xi * Madonna won my undying loyalty by reviving and re-creating the hard glamour of the studio-era Hollywood movie queens, figures of mythological grandeur. Contemporary feminism cut itself off from history and bankrupted itself when it spun its paranoid fantasy of male oppressors and female sex-object victims. '''Woman is the dominant sex.''' Woman’s sexual glamour has bewitched and destroyed men since Delilah and Helen of Troy. **p. 10 * Incompetent amateurs have given prostitution a bad name. ** p. 11 * For me, the [[w:Profumo affair|Profumo affair]] symbolizes the evanescence of male government compared to women’s cosmic power. ** p. 11 * Feminism has tried to dismiss the [[w:femme fatale|femme fatale]] as a misogynist libel, a hoary cliche. But the femme fatale expresses woman's ancient and eternal control of the sexual realm. The specter of the femme fatale stalks all of men's relationships with women. ** p. 15 * [[w:Meryl Streep|Meryl Streep]], in her Protestant way, is stuck on words; she flashes clever accents as a mask for her deeper failures. (And she cannot deliver a Jewish line; she destroyed [[w:Nora Ephron|Nora Ephron]]’s snappy dialogue in ''[[w:Heartburn (novel)|Heartburn]]''.) Streep’s work doesn’t travel. Try dubbing her for movie houses in India: there’d be nothing left, just that bony, earnest horse face moving its lips. Imagine, on the other hand, lesser technicians like [[w:Hedy Lammarr|Hedy Lammarr]], [[w:Rita Hayworth|Rita Hayworth]], [[w:Lana Turner|Lana Turner]]: these women have an international and universal appeal, crossing the centuries. They would have been beautiful in Egypt, Greece, Rome, medieval Burgundy, or eighteenth-century Paris. Susan Hayward played Bathsheba. Try to picture Streep in a Bible epic! Streep is incapable of playing the great legendary or mythological roles. She has no elemental power, no smouldering sensuality. ** p. 16 * Gay and straight men have much more in common than do gay men with lesbians or straight men with straight women. Every man must define his identity against his mother. If he does not, he he just falls back into her and is swallowed up. This is the agonizing myth-pattern in the comic, matricidal ''Psycho'' (1960), one of the hauntingly emblematic films of our time. ** p. 23 * Contemporary feminists, who are generally poor or narrowly trained scholars, insist on viewing history as a weepy scenario of male oppression and female victimization. But it is more accurate to see men, driven by sexual anxiety away from their mothers, forming group alliances by male bonding to create complex structures of society, art, science and technology. ** p. 23 * When women cut themselves off from men, they sink backward into psychological and spiritual stagnancy. ** p. 24 * In insisting, for political purposes, on a sharp division between gay and straight, gay activism, like much of feminism, has become as rigid and repressive as the old order it sought to replace. ** p. 35. * When feminism and gay activism set themselves against organized religion, they have the obligation to put something better in its place. ** p. 36 * The saints, many of them women, warred with themselves as well as God. The body has its own animal urges, just as there are attractions and repulsions in sex that modern liberalism cannot face. ** p. 37 * I think it is one of the greatest pictures ever taken of a woman. ** On [[w:Robert Mapplethorpe|Robert Mapplethorpe]]’s portrait of [[Patti Smith]] on the cover of Smith’s debut album ''[[w:Horses (album)|Horses]]'' (1975), p. 45 * What troubles me about the “hostile workplace” category of sexual harassment policy is that women are being returned to their old status of delicate flowers who must be protected from assault by male lechers. It is anti-feminist to ask for special treatment for women. ** p. 47 * A woman simply is, but a man must become. Masculinity is risky and elusive. It is achieved by a revolt from woman, and is confirmed only by other men. Feminist fantasies about the ideal “sensitive” male have failed. Manhood coerced into sensitivity is no manhood at all. ** p. 82 * Minerva save us from the cloying syrup of coercive compassion! What feminism does not need, it seems to me, is an endless recycling of Doris Day Fifties clichés about noble womanhood. ** p. 87 * '''Feminism was always wrong to pretend that women could “have it all.” It is not male society but mother nature who lays the heaviest burden on woman.''' No husband or day care can adequately substitute for a mother’s attention. My feminist heroes are the boldly independent and childless [[Amelia Earhart]] and [[w:Katherine Hepburn|Katherine Hepburn]], who has been outspoken in her opposition to the delusion of “having it all.” ** p. 89 * If you want to see what’s wrong with [[w:Ivy League|Ivy League]] education, look at ''The Beauty Myth'', that book by [[Naomi Wolf]]. This is a woman who graduated from [[Yale University|Yale]] ''magna cum laude'', is a [[w:Rhodes Scholarship|Rhodes scholar]], and she cannot write a coherent paragraph. This is a woman who cannot do historical analysis, and she is a Rhodes scholar? If you want to see the damage done to intelligent women today in the Ivy League, look at that book. It's a ''scandal''. Naomi Wolf is an intelligent woman. She has been ill-served by her education. But if you read [[Jacques Lacan|Lacan]], this is the result. Your brain turns to pudding. She has a case to make. She cannot make it. She’s full of paranoid fantasies about the world. Her education was completely removed from reality. ** p. 262 * [W]omen will ''never'' be taken seriously until they accept full responsibility for their sexuality. ** p. 269 * '''The idea that feminism is the first group that has ever denounced rape is a gross libel to men.''' Throughout history, rape has been condemned by honorable men. Honorable men do not murder; honorable men do not steal; honorable men do not rape. It goes all the way back through history. [[w:Tarquin|Tarquin’s]] rape of Lucretia caused the fall of the tyrants and the beginning of the Roman Republic. The idea that somehow suddenly feminism miraculously found out that women were being exploited and raped throughout history is ridiculous. ** p. 273 * [T]here’s a lot to be said for celibacy, for the concentration of your mental and physical energy. ** p. 291 * My position on date rape is partly based on my study of <I>The Faerie Queen</i>, as detailed in a full chapter in <i>Sexual Personae</i>: in 1590, the poet Edmund Spencer already sees that passive, drippy, naive women constantly get themselves into rape scenarios, while talented, intelligent, alert women, his warrior heroines, spot trouble coming and boldly trounce their male assailants. My feminism stresses courage, independence, self-reliance, and pride. ** p. 304 ====Rape and Modern Sex War==== [[File:John Collier - Priestess of Bacchus.jpg|thumb|Running to Mommy and Daddy on the campus grievance committee is unworthy of strong women.]] [[File:Women_of_Amphissa.jpg|thumb|Don’t look for sexual enlightenment from academe, which spews out mountains of books but never looks at life directly.]] * Rape is an outrage that cannot be tolerated in a civilized society. Yet feminism, which has waged a crusade for rape to be taken more seriously, has put young women in danger by hiding the truth about sex from them. ** p. 49 * For a decade, feminists have drilled their disciples to say, “Rape is a crime of violence but not of sex.” This sugar-coated [[Shirley Temple]] nonsense has exposed young women to disaster. Misled by feminism, they do not expect rape from the nice boys from good homes who sit next to them in class. ** p. 51 * '''Feminism, coveting [[social power]], is blind to women’s cosmic sexual power.''' ** p. 52 * '''Running to Mommy and Daddy on the campus grievance committee is unworthy of strong women.''' ** p. 53 * A male student makes vulgar remarks about your breasts? Don't slink off to whimper with the campus shrinking violets. Deal with it. On the spot. Say, "Shut up, you jerk! And crawl back to the barnyard where you belong!" In general, women who project this take-charge attitude towards life get harassed less often. I see too many dopey, immature, self-pitying young women walking around like melting sticks of butter. ** p. 53 * Beware of the manipulativeness of rich students who were neglected by their parents. They love to turn the campus into hysterical psychodramas of sexual transgression, followed by assertions of parental authority and concern. And don’t look for sexual enlightenment from academe, which spews out mountains of books but never looks at life directly. ** p. 53 * '''I am saying that many of the problems between the sexes are coming from something prior to socialization, a turbulence that has to do with every boy’s origin in a woman’s body, and the way he is overwhelmed by this huge, matriarchal shadow of a goddess figure from his childhood.''' And I feel, after so many decades of studying this, that men are suffering from a sense of dependence on women, their sense that at any moment they could be returned to that slavery and servitude they experienced under a woman’s thumb, when they were a boy in the shadow of the mother. I got this from studying all world culture, and comparing and noticing how often there were these similar patterns in many different cultures. '''Many things that erupt in rape or violence, or battery and so on, are happening when a woman is pushing that button of fear and dependency.''' ** p. 68 ====The Rape Debate, Continued==== [[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - The Proposal (1872).jpg|thumb|Pursuit and seduction and the essence of sexuality. It’s part of the sizzle.]] [[File:Vampires seduction.jpg|thumb|Feminists have no idea that some women like to flirt with danger because there is a sizzle in it.]] [[File:Mary Poppins1.jpg|thumb|Everything is so damn ''[[Mary Poppins]]'' and sanitized.]] * '''I am being vilified by feminists for merely having a common-sense attitude about rape.''' I loathe this thing about date rape. Have twelve tequilas at a fraternity party and a guy asks you to go up to his room, and then you're surprised when he assaults you? Most women want to be seduced or lured. The more you study literature and art, the more you see it. Listen to ''[[w:Don Giovanni|Don Giovanni]]''. Read ''[[w:The Faerie Queen| The Faerie Queene]]''. '''Pursuit and seduction are the essence of sexuality. It’s part of the sizzle.''' Girls hurl themselves at guitarists, right down to the lowest bar band here. The guys are strutting. If you live in rock and roll, as I do, you see the reality of sex, of male lust and women being aroused by male lust. It attracts women. It doesn't repel them. '''Women have the right to freely choose and to say yes or no. Everyone should be personally responsible for what happens in life.''' I see the sexual impulse as egotistical and dominating, and therefore I have no problem understanding rape. '''Women have to understand this correctly and they'll protect themselves better. If a real rape occurs, it's got to go to the police.''' The business of having a campus grievance committee decide whether or not a rape is committed is an outrageous infringement of civil liberties. Today, on an Ivy League campus, if a guy tells a girl she's got great tits, she can charge him with sexual harassment. Chickenshit stuff. Is this what strong women do? ** p. 59 * It’s these guys in the Ivy League schools who get used to obeying women. They’re sedentary guys. '''It’s ironic that you’re getting the biggest bitching about men from the schools where the men are just eunuchs and bookworms.''' ** p. 61 * I’ve watched therapy getting more and more mushy in the past fifteen years in America.... <!-- ellipses as in the source text -->It’s become what I call coercive compassion. It’s disgusting, it’s condescending, it’s insulting, it’s coddling, it keeps everyone in an infantile condition rather than in the adult condition that was the ultimate goal of Freudian analysis. ** p. 61 * '''Feminists have no idea that some women like to flirt with danger because there is a sizzle in it.''' You know what gets me sick and tired? The battered-woman motif. It’s so misrepresented, the way we have to constantly look at it in terms of male oppression and tyranny, and female victimization. When, in fact, everyone knows throughout the history of the world that many of these working-class relationships where women get beat up have hot sex. They ask why won’t she leave him? Maybe she won’t leave him because the sex is very hot. I say we should start looking at the battered-wife motif in terms of sex. If gay men go down to bars and like to get tied up, beaten up, and have their asses whipped, how come we can’t allow that a lot of wives like the kind of sex they are getting in these battered wife relationships? We can’t consider that women have kinky tastes, can we? No, because women are naturally benevolent and nurturing, aren’t they? Everything is so damn ''[[Mary Poppins]]'' and sanitized. ** p. 65 * '''What women have to realize is their own dominance as a sex.''' That women’s sexual powers are enormous. All cultures have seen it. Men know it. Women know it. The only people who don’t know it are feminists. Desensualized, desexualized, neurotic women. I wouldn’t have said this twenty years ago because I was a militant feminist myself. But as the years have gone on, I began to see more and more that the perverse, neurotic psychodramas projected by these women is coming from their own problems with sex. ** p. 66 * I feel that the moment a date happens that it’s a social encounter that is potentially a sexual encounter. And the question of sex needs to be negotiated from the first moment on. ** p. 70 * Men knew that if they devirginized a woman, they could end up dead within twenty-four hours. These controls have been removed. ** p. 71 * Feminism’s claim that it discovered rape is simply false. ** p. 72 ====Junk Bonds and Corporate Raiders : Academe in the Hour of the Wolf==== :<small>First published in ''Arion'', Spring 1991.</small> [[File:1877 Charles Mengin - Sappho.jpg|thumb| [[Sappho]] and [[Emily Dickinson]] are the only woman geniuses in poetic history.]] [[File:Ring51.jpg|thumb|Art is a vast, ancient interconnected web-work, a fabricated tradition. Overconcentration on any one point is a distortion.]] * The truth is that [[w:Michel Foucault|Foucault]] knew very little about anything before the seventeenth century and, in the modern world, outside France. His familiarity with the literature and art of any period was negligible. His hostility to psychology made him incompetent to deal with sexuality, his own or anybody else’s. '''The elevation of Foucault to guru status by American and British academics is a tale that belongs to the history of cults.''' ** p. 174 * The more you know, the less you are impressed by Foucault. ** p. 174 * Many, perhaps most, very learned people prefer the company of their books to sitting in a crowd listening to history and art being mangled; furthermore, it is unlikely that the venerable scholars will stand up afterward to declare, “This lecture was a load of crap.” '''The more profound a professor’s distaste with the proceedings, the more likely he is to melt away at the end of the talk.''' **On academic conferences, p. 179 * Not since the Black Panthers sailed into their Upper East Side tea party has there been so daffy an exercise in [[w:radical chic|radical chic]]. **On [[w:Mark Halperin|Mark Halperin]]’s inclusion of a lengthy quote by convicted murderer [[w:Jack Henry Abbott|Jack Henry Abbott]] in his ''One Hundred Years of Homosexuality''. * In 1974 I nearly got into a fistfight with some early academic feminists in a restaurant when I casually alluded to a hormonal element in sex differences. It was utterly unacceptable at that time to think or say such a thing. … If you have any doubts about the effect of hormones on emotion, libido and aggression, have a chat with a transexual, who must take hormones medically. He or she will set you straight. ** p. 185 * As a philosopher sympathetic to Foucault recently remarked to me, Foucault failed in each of his major inquiries and, in desperation, went further afield from his areas of expertise. ''The History of Sexuality'' is a disaster. Page after page is sheer fantasy, unsupported by the ancient or modern historical record. ** p. 187 * '''Foucault, like [[David Letterman]], made smirking glibness an art form.''' ** p. 187 * The born-yesterday French-besotted faddists, addicted sniffers of wet printer’s ink, think they’re starting on the ground floor; so they’re condemned to another hundred years of trial and error. The rest of us can safely ignore them. **p. 202 * [[Sappho]] and [[Emily Dickinson]] are the only woman geniuses in poetic history. ** p. 203 * Feminism, in all fields, has yet to produce a single scholar of the intellectual rank of scores of these learned men [e.g., [[w:Bruno Snell|Bruno Snell]], [[w:Albin Lesky|Albin Lesky]], [[w:Denys Page|Denys Page]]<nowiki>]</nowiki> in the German and British academic tradition. ** p. 204 * I am a passionate admire of Sappho, but that has to be one of the stupidest sentences I have ever seen in a scholarly book. ** p. 204, on [[w:John Winkler|John Winkler]]’s claim that “Sappho’s consciousness is a larger circle enclosing the smaller one of [[Homer]],” in Winkler’s ''Constraints of Desire''. * In high school in the early Sixties, I dreamed of intellectual work by women that would match the highest male standards and set men on their ear. A lot of women have done a lot of academic work since then, but most of them fall short of that standard. ** p. 206 * The number one problem in academia today is not ignorant students but ignorant professors, who have substituted narrow “expertise” and “theoretical sophistication” (a preposterous term) for breadth and depth of learning in the world history of art and thought. … '''Art is a vast, ancient interconnected web-work, a fabricated tradition. Overconcentration on any one point is a distortion.''' This is one of the primary reasons for the dullness and ineptitude of so much twentieth-criticism, as compared to nineteenth-century belles-lettres. ** p. 208 * Hollywood movies of the Fifties, like ''[[w:The Ten Commandments (1956 film)|The Ten Commandments]]'' and ''[[w:Ben-Hur (1959 film)|Ben-Hur]]'', with their epic clash of pagan and Judeo-Christian cultures, tell more about art and society than the French-infatuated ideologues who have made a travesty of the “best” American higher criticism. ** p. 208 * The spiritual history of the Sixties has yet to be written. ** p. 211 * [[w:Jacques Lacan|Lacan]], [[w:Jacques Derrida|Derrida]] and Foucault are the perfect prophets for the weak, anxious academic personality, trapped in verbal formulas and perennially defeated by circumstances. They offer a self-exculpating cosmic explanation for the normal professorial state of resentment, alienation, dithering passivity and inaction. ** p. 211 * Lacan is a tyrant who must be driven from our shores. Narrowly trained English professors who know nothing of art history or popular culture think they can just wade in with Lacan and trash everything in sight. ** p. 213 * I realize now how lucky I was, in the total absence of role models, to have only men to rebel against. Today's women students are meeting their oppressors in dangerously seductive new form, as successful congenial female professors who view themselves as victims of a rigid foreign ideology. ** p. 213 [[File:Hippie girl 1969.jpg|144px|thumb|right|The Sixties attempted a return to nature that ended in disaster.]] [[File:World Aids Day Ribbon.svg|144px|thumb|right|Everyone of my generation who preached free love is responsible for AIDS.]] * The followers of Derrida are pathetic, snuffling in French pockets for bits of pieces of a deconstructive method already massively and coherently presented — and with a mature sense of the sacred — in Buddhism and Hinduism. ** p. 214 * Robert Caserio recently said to me, “The whole profession has become a vast mimicry. The idea that there is open debate is an absolute fiction. There is only the Foucault monologue, the Lacan monologue, the Derrida monologue. There is no room for creative disagreement. No deviation from what is approved is tolerated.” These monologues are really one, the monotonous drone of the School of Saussure, which has cast its delusional inky cloud over modern academic thought. Never have so many been wrong about so much. It is positively idiotic to imagine that there is no experience outside of language. … It has been a truism of basic science courses for decades in America that the brain has multiple areas of function and that language belongs only to specific areas, injured by trauma and restored by surgery or speech therapy. ** p. 214 * The Sixties attempted a return to nature that ended in disaster. ** p. 216 * Everyone of my generation who preached free love is responsible for AIDS. ** p. 216 [[File:Jacques Lacan ironie.jpg|thumb|Lacan is a tyrant who must be driven from our shores.]] * The Seventies theory explosion [i.e., [[w:Literary theory|Literary theory]], [[w:deconstruction|deconstruction]], etc.] was a panic reaction by headlocked pedants unable to cope with the emotional and sensory flux of the Sixties. It was a desperate search for new authority, new dogma. ** p. 218 * '''The smouldering eroticism of great European actresses like [[w:Jeanne Moreau|Jeanne Moreau]] demonstrated to my generations women's archetypal mystery and glamour, completely missing from the totalitarian [[world-view]] of the misogynist Foucault. For me, the big French D is not Derrida, but [[w:Catherine Deneuve|Deneuve]].''' ** p. 218 *[[w:Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick|Sedgwick]] has managed to convert pedestrian critical skills and little discernible knowledge in history, philosophy, psychology, art or even pre-modern literature into a lucrative academic career. ** p. 222 * The junk-bond era has also spawned something that calls itself [[Historicism|New Historicism]]. This seems to be a refuge for English majors without critical talent or broad learning in history or political science. [...] To practice it, you must apparently lack all historical sense. ** p. 223 * There is a constant rush to judgment in Foucault. He is filled with specious generalizations, false categories, distortions, fudging, pretenses to knowledge in areas where he was ignorant. He had no ability whatsoever to distinguish among historical sources, where he makes terrible blunders. ** p. 224 * Foucault is the [[w:Cagliostro|Cagliostro]] of our time. ** p. 224 * The most serious flaw of Foucault's system is in the area of sex. I view his hurried, compulsive writing as a massive rationalist defense-formation to avoid thinking about (a) woman, (b) nature, (c) emotion, and (d) the sexual body. His attempt to make the body passive property of male society is an evasion of the universal fact so intolerable to him: that we are all born of human mothers. By turning women into ciphers, he miniaturizes and contains them. ** p. 230 *It was in reading <I>Tristam Shandy</i> that I noticed how it is primarily men who gravitate towards the game-playing self-reflexive style. There is an alienation from emotion in it, a Nervous Nelly fear of letting go and being “exposed.” As an attitude towards life, it betrays a perpetual adolescence. Those who hurled themselves after Derrida were not the most sophisticated but the most pretentious, and least creative members of my generation of academics. ** p. 231 * The post-war "[[w:publish or perish|publish or perish]]" tyranny must end. The profession has become obsessed with quantity rather than quality. [...] One brilliant article should outweigh one mediocre book. ** p. 237 * The piddling ignoramuses who deny that there is a distinct, discernible, objective western tradition are just woozy literati. ** p. 238 * Imperialism and slavery are no white male monopoly, but are everywhere from Egypt, Assyria, and Persia to India, China and Japan. ** p. 239 * Modernization means Westernization. ** p. 239 * Women's studies is institutionalized sexism. ** p. 242 * Women's studies is a comfy, chummy morass of unchallenged [[groupthink]]. It is, with rare exception, totally unscholarly. Academic feminists have silenced men and dissenting women. ** p. 242 * Women's studies needed a syllabus and so invented a canon overnight. It puffed up clunky, mundane contemporary women authors into Oz-like, skywriting dirigibles. Our best women students are being force-fed an appalling diet of cant, drivel and malarkey. ** p. 243 [[File:Womanpower logo.jpg|thumb|Every year, feminists provide more and more evidence for the old charge that women can neither think nor write.<!--double-checked against the source, "think nor write" is correct -->]] [[File:'Slave Boy' Ephebe sculpture by Lidbury.jpg|thumb|Imperialism and slavery are no white male monopoly...]] * American feminism’s nose dive began when Kate Millet, that imploding beanbag of poisonous self-pity, declared Freud a sexist. Trying to build a sex theory without studying Freud, women have made nothing but mud pies. ** p. 243 * Great women scholars like [[w:Jane Ellen Harrison|Jane Harrison]] and [[w:Gisela Richter|Gisela Richter]] were produced by the intellectual discipline of the masculine classical tradition, not the wishy-washy sentimentalism of clingy, all-forgiving sisterhood, from which no first-rate book has yet emerged. Every year, feminists provide more and more evidence for the old charge that women can neither think nor write.<!--double-checked against the source, "think nor write" is correct --> ** p. 244 * Academic Marxism is a fantasy world, and unctuous compassion-sweepstakes, into which real workers or peasants never penetrate. ** p. 246 * The signal failure of the academic Marxists is in their obliviousness to the transformation of modern labor. In the age of mass media, power has shifted its meaning and loci. Capitalism, whatever its problems, remains the most efficient economic mechanism yet to bring the highest quality of life to the greatest number. Because I have studied the past, I know that, in America and under capitalism, I am the freest woman in history. Union blue-collar jobs now routinely pay higher salaries than are earned by most teachers. <b>Physical labor, as a concrete skill occupation, is free of the soul-destroying office politics suffers by the Marxists' demonized managerial class, who take their jobs home with them and are in a continual funk of anxiety and neurosis. … Unharried weekend leisure time is the center of working-class American life in ways the academic Marxists, resentfully marking papers and endlessly pressed for time, simply don't see.</b> ** pp. 247 ===''The Birds''=== *[[Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]] finds women captivating but dangerous. She allures by nature but she is chief artificer in civilisation, a magic fabricator of persona whose very smile is an arc of deception. ** p. 7 *Ten thousand years ago, when man the nomad took root in one place, he brought animals with him into human service. But domestication was to be his fate too, as he fell under architecturally reinforced female control. **pg. 8 ===''Vamps and Tramps'' (1994)=== * I want a revamped feminism. Putting the vamp back means the lady must be a tramp. My generation of Sixties rebels wanted to smash the bourgeois codes that had become the authoritarian totems of the Fifties. The 'nice' girl with her soft, sanitized speech and decorous manners had to go. Thirty years later, we're still stuck with her — in the official spokesmen and the anointed heiresses of the feminist establishment... Equal opportunity feminism, which I espouse, demands the removal of all barriers to woman's advance in the political and professional world — but not at the price of special protections for women which are infantilizing and anti-democratic. ** p. ix * Women will never succeed at the level or in the numbers they deserve until they get over their genteel reluctance to take abuse in the attack and counterattack of territorial warfare. The recent trend in feminism, notably in sexual harassment policy, has been to overrely on regulation and legislation rather than to promote personal responsibility. Women must not become wards and supplicants of authority figures. Freedom means rejecting dependency. ** p. x * I admire hard-bitten, wisecracking realism of [[w:Ida Lupino|Ida Lupino]] and the ''film noir'' heroines. I’m sick of simpering white girls with their princess fantasies. ** p. x * Just released in 1994 is Christina Hoff Sommers’s landmark study, ''Who Stole Feminism?'', which uses ingenious detective work to unmask the shocking fraud and propaganda of establishment feminism and the servility of American media and academe to Machiavellian feminist manipulation. This bracingly precise, fact-based book should be required reading for every journalist. Sommers is a courageous academic philosopher who was one of the very first to systematically critique current feminist ideology and who took tremendous abuse for it. … Sommers has done a great service for women and for feminism, whose fundamental precepts she has clarified and strengthened. ** p. xvi * Economic analysis is the first principle of Marxism. Professors who were genuine leftists would have challenged the entire economics-driven machinery of American academe — the wasteful multidepartmental structure, the divisive pedantry of overspecialization, the cronyism and sycophancy in recruitment and promotion, the boondoggling ostentation of pointless conferences, the exploitation of graduate students and part-time teachers, the subservience of faculty to overpaid administrators, the mediocrity and folly of the ruling cliques of the Modern Language Association. ** p. xix * Most professors know that American higher education in the humanities is in a deplorable state. Yet many remain silent, perhaps through prudent self-preservation, which is starting to look a lot like moral cowardice. <b>They have put loyalty to their colleagues before loyalty to their students, ostensibly the <I>raison d'être</i> for educational institutions.</b> How many more minds must be distorted or destroyed before the faculty decides to defend the Western intellectual values of free inquiry and orderly acquisition of knowledge? ** p. xix * The venerable emeritus professors still at Yale when I entered graduate school [in the 1960s] may have been reserved, puritanical WASPs, but they were men of honor who had given their lives to scholarship. Today in the elite schools, honor and ethics are gone. ** p. xx * I do not believe in God, but I believe God is man’s greatest idea. Those incapable of religious feeling or those (like hard-core gay activists) who profane sacred ground do not have the imagination to educate the young. … Until the left comes to its senses about the cultural power of religion, the right will continue to broaden its appeal. ** p. xx * Is there intellectual life in America? At present, the answer is no. ** p. 97 * I hate dogma in any form. I hated it in the Catholic Church and Girl Scout troops of the 1950s, and I hate in in gay activism and established feminism today. ** p. 104 * In the summer camp mentality of American universities, the ferocity of genuine intellectual debate would just seem like spoiling everyone’s fun. Ambitious humanities professors go about the business behind a brick wall of “[[w:Literary theory|theory]],” which they imagine is the <I>dernier cri</i>, but which has long been out of fashion, even in Paris. Drab, uncultivated philistines, without broad knowledge of the arts, have seized the top jobs in the Ivy League, simply because they have the right opinions and know the right people. In the past twenty years, conferences became the infernal engine driving the academic profession. The conference crowd, an international party circuit of literary luminaries ever on the move, was put together by the new humanities centers. These programs had the initially laudable aim of fostering interdisciplinary exchanges outside the repressive framework of the conservative, static and over-tenured university departments. But the epidemic of French theory was abroad in the world. The humanities centers quickly became careerist stockyards, where greedy speculation and insider trading were as much the rules of the game as on Wall Street. ** p. 101 ===="No Law in the Arena: A Pagan Theory of Sexuality"==== [[File:Gorgone ceramica.jpg|thumb| Ancient mythology, with its sinister archetypes of vampire and Gorgon, is more accurate than feminism about the power and terror of female sexuality.]] [[File:Plaquettes de pilule.jpg|thumb|Patriarchy, routinely blamed for everything, produced the birth control pill, which did more to free contemporary women than feminism itself.]] * Even the most morbid of the rape ranters have a childlike faith in the perfectibility of the universe, which they see as blighted solely by nasty men. They simplistically project outward onto a mythical "patriarchy" their own inner conflicts and moral ambiguities. ** p. 25 * What feminism calls patriarchy is simply ''civilization'', an abstract system designed by men but augmented and now co-owned by women. ** p. 26 * White middle-class girls at the elite colleges and universities seem to want the world handed to them on a platter. They have been sheltered, coddled and flattered. Having taught at a wide variety of institutions over my ill-starred career, I have observed that working-class or lower-middle-class girls, who are from financially struggling families and must take a patchwork of menial jobs to stay in school, are usually the least hospitable to feminist rhetoric. They see life as it is and have fewer illusions about sex. '''It is affluent, upper-middle class students who most spout the party line — as if the grisly hyperemotionalism of feminist jargon satisfies their hunger for meaningful experiences outside their eventless upbringing. In the absence of war, invent one.''' ** p. 28 * Women are not in control of their bodies; nature is. Ancient mythology, with its sinister archetypes of vampire and Gorgon, is more accurate than feminism about the power and terror of female sexuality. ** p. 30 * Man has traditionally ruled the social sphere; feminism tells him to move over and share his power. But woman rules the sexual and emotional sphere, and there she has no rival. Victim ideology, a caricature of social history, blocks women from recognition of their dominance in the deepest, most important realm. ** p. 31 * Ambitious young women today are taught to ignore or suppress every natural instinct, if it conflicts with the feminist agenda posed on them. All literary and artistic works, no matter how great, that document the ambivalence of female sexuality they are trained to dismiss as “misogynous.” In other words, their minds are being programmed to secede from their bodies … there is a huge gap between feminist rhetoric and women’s actual sex lives, where feminism is of little help except with a certain stratum of deferential, malleable, white middle-class men. ** p. 31 * All men — even, I have written, [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] — began as flecks of tissue inside a woman's womb. Every boy must stagger out of the shadow of a mother goddess, whom he never fully escapes. ** p. 32 * '''The dishonesty and speciousness of the feminist rape analysis are demonstrated by its failure to explore, or even mention, man-on-man sex crimes.''' If rape were really just a process of intimidation of women by men, why do men rape and kill other men? The deceptively demure persona of the soft-spoken, homosexual serial-murderer [[w:Jeffrey Dahmer|Jeffrey Dahmer]], like that of the handsome, charming [[w:Ted Bundy|Ted Bundy]], should warn everyone that we still live in a sexual jungle. ** p. 33 * '''When feminist discourse is unable to discriminate the drunken fraternity brother from the homicidal maniac, women are in trouble.''' ** on [[w:date rape|date rape]], p. 33 * Following the sexual revolution of the Sixties, dating has become a form of Russian roulette. Some girls have traditional religious values and mean to remain virgins until marriage. Others are leery of AIDS, unsure of what they want, but can be convinced. For others, anything goes: they’ll jump into bed on the first date. What’s a guy to do? ** p. 35 * Films of the mating behavior of most other species — a staple of public television of America — demonstrate that the female ''chooses''. Males pursue, show off, brawl, scuffle, and make general fools of themselves for love. A major failing of most feminist ideology is its dumb, ungenerous stereotyping of men as tyrants and abusers, when in fact — as I know full well from my own mortifying lesbian experience — men are tormented by women’s flirtatiousness and hemming and hawing, their manipulations and changeableness, their humiliating rejections. '''Cock teasing is a universal reality. It is part of women’s merciless testing and cold-eyed comparison shopping for potential mates. Men will do anything to win the favor of women.''' ** p. 35 * As a teacher, I have seen time and again a certain kind of American middle-class girl who projects winsome malleability, a soft, unfocused help-me-please persona that, in adult life, is a recipe for disaster. These are the ones who end up with a string of abusive boyfriends or in sticky situations with overfamiliar male authority figures who call them “honey.” ** p. 36 * Shocked disbelief greets suggestions that many women may take pleasure in rape fantasies, established long ago by Nancy Friday in her pioneering 1973 study, <I>My Secret Garden</i>, and dramatized today by the staggering mass-market popularity of Harlequin Romances, where heroines are overwhelmed by passionate, impetuous men. ** p. 37 * '''Patriarchy, routinely blamed for everything, produced the birth control pill, which did more to free contemporary women than feminism itself.''' ** p. 38 * With their propagandistic frame of mind, feminist leaders never admitted that their opponents could be equally motivated by ethics. ** p. 39 * We must philosophically strengthen feminist theory so that it can admit that abortion is an aggressive act, that it is a form of extermination. Modern woman has become an agent of Darwinian triage. It is or should be ethically troubling: abortion pits the stronger against the weaker, and only one survives. <b>The feminist coat-hanger symbol, prophesying the return of back-alley butchery if abortion is regulated or banned, is dishonest. A small number of women may die in botched procedures, but in successful abortions, the fetus death rate is 100 percent.</b> ** p. 40 * Feminists had an astoundingly naive view of the mutual exclusiveness of sex and aggression, which, Freud demonstrates, are fused in the amoral unconscious, as revealed to us through dreams. That rape is simply what used to be called “unbridled lust,” like gluttony a sin of insufficient self-restraint, seems to be beyond the feminist ken. ** p. 41 *In the Seventies, women runners, developing [[w:amenorrhea|amenorrhea]] and calcium-related [[w:shin splits|shin splints]], were the first to realize that nature is hovering over us, ready to shut down our systems if our fetus-feeding fat reserve drops below a certain percentage of body weight. In other words, in nature's eyes we are nothing but milk sacs and fat deposits. ** p. 41 * The [[w:John Wayne Bobbit|Bobbit case]], which brought to life the ancient mythic archetype of woman as castrator, demonstrated that women are as aggressive as men and that sex is a dark, dangerous force of nature. But of course the feminist establishment, stuck in its battered-woman blinders, learned nothing as usual from this lurid refutation of its normal views. Classic art works like Bizet’s <I>Carmen</i> tell us more about the irrationality of love, jealousy and revenge than do all the pat formulas of the counseling industry. ** p. 42 * The polemical tactic of exhibiting garish mugshot photos of women’s bruised faces evades the real issue. What led up to that moment in the emergency room? A video camera recording episode before and after the assault would upset the received black-and-white view of male ogres and female martyrs. This is not to excuse men for their scurrilous behavior; it is to awaken women their equal responsibility in dispute and confrontation. ** p. 43 * '''Any woman who stays with her abuser beyond the first incident is complicitous with him.''' ** p. 43 * '''In pondering why a battered woman does not leave, we must remember that gay men with a taste for violent “rough trade” have always paid for this kind of sex.''' Are women so perfect and angelic that we cannot imagine them having sadomasochistic impulses? When they are genuinely victimized, women deserve our pity. But victimization alone cannot explain everything in the tragicomedy of love. ** p. 44 * Much violence against women originates in emotional territory that they already command. By midlife and early old age, as the hormones of both genders change, women are in total, despotic control of their marriages. ** p. 46 * [W]earisome as it may seem, women must realize that, in making a commitment to a man, they have merged in his unconscious with his mother and have therefore inherited the ambivalence of that relationship. ** p. 46. [[File:Rosabel Morrison - another Carmen poster.png|thumb|Classic art works like Bizet’s ''Carmen'' tell us more about the irrationality of love, jealousy and revenge than do all the pat formulas of the counseling industry. ]] *What I see is not a world of male oppression and female victimization but an international conspiracy by women to keep from men the knowledge of men's own frailty. A strange maternal protectiveness is at work. ** p. 47 *In negotiating with rejected lovers or husbands, women must stop thinking they can make everyone happy. In many cases of harassment and stalking, it is clear that the woman never learned how to ''terminate the fantasy'' — which requires resolution and decisiveness on their part. Wavering, dithering, or passive hysterical fear will only intensify or prolong pursuit. ** p. 47 * The [sexual harassment] situation has gotten so out of hand that, in 1993, in one of the first British cases, a plumber was fired for continuing to use the traditional term "ballcock" for the toilet flotation unit, instead of the new politically correct term, sanitized of sexual suggestiveness. This is insane. We are back to the Victorian era, when table legs had to be draped lest they put the thought of ladies' legs into someone's dirty mind. ** p. 50 * Campus speech codes, that folly of the navel-gazing left, have increased the appeal of the right. Ideas must confront ideas. '''When hurt feelings and bruised egos are more important than the unfettered life of the mind, the universities have committed suicide.''' ** p. 51 * Woman's sexuality ''is'' disruptive of the dully mechanical workaday world, in which efficiency means uniformity. The problems of woman's entrance into the career system spring from more than male chauvinism. She brings nature into the social realm, which may be too small to contain it. ** p. 52 * In America, the best model yet for the first woman president can be found among the Texas feminists, notably Governor [[w:Anne Richards|Ann Richards]]. East Coast feminists, like [[w:Gloria Steinem|Gloria Steinem]], who created the smug, superior feminist smirk (done to an unctuous turn by NOW president Patricia Ireland), have failed to produce a credible persona for national leadership, partly because of their juvenile, jeering attitude towards men. The irony is that the legal and media world inhabited by Steinem and her cronies is filled with bookish white-collar men who are the only ones in the world who actually listen to feminists rhetoric and can be guilt-tripped into trying to obey it. … In Texas, unlike the urban Northeast, men are men. Women politicians in that state have the toughness and grit to handle men at their most macho. Southern women, particularly those of the plantation-belt, “iron magnolia” school, are able to get what they want and still retain their graceful femininity. ** p. 55 * My prescription for women entering the war zone of the professions: study football. . . . Women who want to remake the future should look for guidance not to substitute parent figures but to the brash assertions of pagan sport. ** p. 56 * Men, gay or straight, can get beauty and lewdness into one image. Women are forever softening, censoring, politicizing. ** p. 65 * Idiotic statements like “porn degrades women” or “pornography is the subordination of women” are only credible if you never look at pornography. Preachers, senators and feminist zealots carry on about material they have no direct contact with. They usually rely on a few selectively culled inflammatory examples that bear little resemblance to the porn market as a whole. Most pornography shows women in as many dominant as subordinate positions, with the latter usually steamily consensual. ** p. 65 * Despite hundreds of studies, cause-and-effect relationship between pornography and violence has never been satisfactorily proved. ** p. 65 * Feminist anti-porn discourse virtually always ignores the gigantic gay male porn industry, since any mention of the latter would bring crashing to the ground the absurd argument that pornography is by definition the subordination of women. ** p. 65 * Far from poisoning the mind, pornography shows the deepest truth about sexuality, stripped of romantic veneer. ** p. 66 * From Stonewall to the first AIDS alert was only twelve short years. In the Eighties and early Nineties, displaced anxiety over the horror of AIDS turned gay activists into raging nihilists and monomaniacs, who dishonestly blamed the disease on the government and trampled on the rights of the gay majority, and whose errors of judgement materially aided the rise and consolidation of the far right. AIDS did not appear out of nowhere. It was a direct result of the sexual revolution, which my generation unleashed with the best intentions, but whose worst effects were to be suffered primarily by gay men. ** p. 68 * The gargantuan promiscuity of the Seventies gay male world was a pagan phenomenon, unequaled in scale since the Roman empire. ** p. 68 * I believe that the shocking toll of AIDS on gay men in the West was partly due to their Seventies delusionism that a world without women was possible. All-male energies, unbalanced and ravenous, literally tore the body apart. ** p. 69 * '''Pornography ''is'' art, sometimes harmonious, sometimes dissonant. Its glut and glitter are a Babylonian excess.''' Modern middle-class women cannot bear the thought that their hard-won professional achievements can be outweighed in an instant by a young hussy flashing a little tits and ass. But the gods have given her power, and we must welcome it. Pornography forces a radical reassessment of sexual value, nature’s bequest of our tarnished treasure. ** p. 67 * Homosexuality is not “normal.” On the contrary, it is a challenge to the norm; therein resides its eternally revolutionary character. Note I do not call it a challenge to the ''idea'' of a norm. [[w:Queer theory|Queer theorists]] — that wizened crew of flimflamming free-loaders — have tried to take the [[w:poststructuralism|poststructuralist]] tack of claiming that there is no norm, since everything is relative and contingent. This is the kind of silly bind that word-obsessed people get into when they are deaf, dumb and blind to the outside world. '''Nature exists, whether academics like it or not. And in nature, procreation is the single, relentless rule. That is the norm. Our sexual bodies were designed for reproduction. Penis fits vagina: no fancy linguistic game-playing can change that biologic fact.''' ** p. 70 * There is no gay leader anywhere near the stature of Martin Luther King, because black activism drew on the profound spiritual tradition of the church, to which gay political rhetoric is childishly hostile. ** p. 70 * No one is “born gay.” The idea is ridiculous, but it is symptomatic of our overpoliticized climate that such assertions are given instant credence by gay activists and their media partisans. I think what gay men are remembering is that they were born ''different''. **p. 71 * I have found few lesbians with whom I can discourse for more than five minutes without hitting some tiresome barrier of resentment or ideology. … Again and again over the decades, as I did my time, in frustrated boredom, in lesbian bars, trying with spectacular lack of success to make friends or just converse, I would end up gabbing for hours with some stray gay man. He might have dropped out of school at fourteen, but he had opinions, tastes, energy, wit. Is there something innately different about the gay male brain? ** p. 74 * When I meet gay men anywhere in the world, there is a spontaneity and a spirit of fun and mischief that lesbians seem incapable of. ** p. 78 * Men who shrink from penetration of the female body are paralyzed by justifiable apprehension, since they are returning to our uncanny site of origin. ** p. 79 * It is not male hatred of women but male ''fear'' of women that is the great universal. ** p. 79 * Lesbian feminists, for all their ideals of sisterhood and solidarity, can treat each other with a fickleness, a parasitic exploitativeness, and vicious spite that have to be seen to be believed. ** p. 80 * One of the most startling discoveries of my career was when I realized that the strongest women in the world are not lesbians but heterosexual women, who know how to handle men. ** p. 80 * '''The real butches are straight … dealing with and controlling men makes you stronger.''' ** p. 81 * I want to cry out to these young girls: Stop! Think! . . . For heaven's sake, don't fall down the rabbit hole of the lesbian scene. You will never escape, and your talent will wither on the vine. Your energy will be wasted and absorbed in repetition without progression. Women alone are Spenser's Bower of Bliss, enclosed, comfortable, and dangerous. ** p. 82 * Lesbians, said a lesbian friend wearily to me, are "program heads": "They need the structure. They have all the answers." Hence lesbians' omnipresence in the social welfare industry. Rejecting the father's competitive system, they substitute another that they imagine is based on female "caring" and "compassion" but is, in dismal effect, repressive, totalitarian, and hostile to art and dissent. The same friend memorably said to me long ago that lesbianism is caused by either "too much tit or not enough." ** p. 85 * Because boys lack a biological marker like menstruation, to be man is to be ''not female''. Contemporary feminism called this "misogyny," but it was wrong. Masculine identity is embattled and fragile. In the absence of opportunity for heroic physical action, as in the modern office world, women's goodwill is crucial for preserving the male ego, which requires, alas, daily maintenance. '''It is in the best interests of the human race, and of women themselves, for men to be strong.''' ** p. 85 * The unhappy truth is that male homosexuality will never be fully accepted by the heterosexual majority, who are obeying the dictates not of bigoted society or religion but of procreative nature. ** p. 85 * Gay activism has been naive in its belligerent confidence that “homophobia” will eventually disappear with proper “education” of the benighted. Reeducation of fractious young boys on the scale required would mean fascist obliteration of all individual freedoms. Furthermore, no truly masculine father would ever welcome an feminine or artistic son <I>at the start</I>, since the son’s lack of virility not only threatens but liquidates that father’s identity, dissolving husband into wife. Later there may be public rituals of acceptance, but the damage will already have been done. Gay men are aliens, cursed and gifted, the shamans of our time. ** p. 86 * It would be ridiculous to claim that gay men are interested only on other gay men and would never ogle straight men in barracks showers. When I heard this one on TV, I burst out laughing. Anyone who belongs to a health club knows better. Sexual tension and appraisal are constants, above all among gay men, who never stop cruising everything in sight. Seduction of straight studs is a highly erotic motif in gay porn. ** p. 87 * Middle-class men, neutered by office life and daunted by feminist rhetoric, are shrinking. Lesbianism is increasing, since anxious, unmasculine men have little to offer. Women are simply more interesting to them. Male homosexuality is increasing, because masculinity is in crisis and because maternal consciousness, severed from the support network of the extended family, has become a psychotic system, forcing the young to struggle for life against clinging personal fantasy. ** p. 90 [[File:Double Mars symbol (bold).svg|thumb|Homosexuality is not “normal.” On the contrary, it is a challenge to the norm; therein resides its eternally revolutionary character.]] [[File:FEMA - 5455 - Photograph by Andrea Booher taken on 10-13-2001 in New York.jpg|thumb|Men have sacrificed and crippled themselves physically and emotionally to feed, house, and protect women and children. None of their pain or achievement is registered in feminist rhetoric, which portrays men as oppressive and callous exploiters.]] * A pagan education would sharpen the mind, steel the will, and seduce the senses. Our philosophy should be both contemplative and pugilistic, admitting aggression (as Christianity does not) as central to our mythology. The beasts of passion must be confronted, and the laws of nature understood. '''Conflict cannot be avoided, but perhaps it can be confined to a mental theater.''' ** p. 94 * My own proposals for reform [in academia] include the abolition of all literary conferences and the replacement of women's studies with sex studies, based on the rigorous study of world history, anthropology, psychology, and science. Today, in politically correct America, questions of quality, learning, and intellectual distinction are out of style. ** p. 102 * [[w:Catharine MacKinnon|MacKinnon]] is a totalitarian. She wants a risk-free, state controlled world. She believes rules and regulations will solve every human ill and straighten out all those irksome problems between the sexes that have been going on for five thousand years. As a lawyer, MacKinnon is deft and pragmatic. But as a political thinker, cultural historian or commentator on sex, she is incompetent. For a woman of her obvious intelligence, her frame of reference is shockingly small. ** p. 108 * Pornography does not cause rape or violence, which predate pornography by thousands of years. '''Rape and violence occur not because of patriarchal conditioning but because of the opposite, a breakdown of social controls.''' ** p. 111 * The instant myth of Amy Fisher turned feminist dogma on on is head: as in the hit films ''[[w:Fatal Attraction|Fatal Attraction]]'', ''[[Basic Instinct (film)|Basic Instinct]]'', and ''[[The Hand That Rocks the Cradle]]'', woman rules and destroys. '''The femme fatale is for real.''' ** p. 134 * [Feminism] is alienating women from their own bodies … because they don’t understand that they have something that men ''want'', okay? So they’re encouraged to interpret all male lust as oppressive and victimizing and negative, instead of seeing that it is up to them to husband this flame. They have a flame, and it’s enormously powerful… ** p. 259 * Our feminist culture at the present moment is ''completely'' dependent on ''capitalism''. My grandmother was still scrubbing clothes on the back porch on a ''washboard''! ** p. 260 * I’m saying that men go from control by their mothers to control by their wives, and this is the horror of men’s lives. And feminism refuses to see this. * p. 265 * The two deepest thinkers on sex in the twentieth century are [[Sigmund Freud]] and [[D. H. Lawrence]]. Their reputations as radical liberators were so universally acknowledged that brooding images of Freud and Lawrence in poster form adorned the walls of students in the Sixties. Yet the voluminous and complex works of both men were swept away by the current women's movement, when it burst out in the late Sixties and consolidated its ideology in the Seventies. '''Whatever their motives, the first feminist theorists acted as vandals and Bolsheviks'''. The damage they did to culture has in the long run damaged the cause of feminism. ** p. 328 * '''Men have sacrificed and crippled themselves physically and emotionally to feed, house, and protect women and children. None of their pain or achievement is registered in feminist rhetoric, which portrays men as oppressive and callous exploiters.''' ** Reviewing [[Warren Farrell]]'s ''[[w:The Myth of Male Power|The Myth of Male Power]]'', p. 392 ===="The New Sexism: Liberating Art and Beauty"==== * Feminism, for all its boasts, has not found a single major female painter or sculptor to add to the canon. It did revive the reputations of many minor women, like Frida Kahlo or Romaine Brooks. Mary Cassatt, Georgia O'Keeffe, and Helen Frankenthaler were already known and did not need rediscovery. Artemisia Gentileschi was simply a polished, competent painter in a Baroque style created by men. ** p. 115 ===="The Return of Carry Nation: Catharine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin"==== * Dworkin, like Kate Millet, has turned a garish history of mental instability into feminist grand opera. Dworkin publicly boasts of her bizarre multiple rapes, assaults, beatings, breakdowns and tacky traumas, as if her inability to cope with life were the patriarchy’s fault rather than her own. She pretends to be a daring truth-teller but never mentions her most obvious problem: food. ** p. 109 === ''Playboy'' interview (May 1995) === :<small> [http://privat.ub.uib.no/BUBSY/playboy.htm ''Playboy'' interview (May 1995)]</small> * '''I'm absolutely a feminist. The reason other feminists don't like me is that I criticize the movement, explaining that it needs a correction. Feminism has betrayed women, alienated men and women, replaced dialogue with political correctness.''' PC feminism has boxed women in. The idea that feminism — that liberation from domestic prison — is going to bring happiness is just wrong. Women have advanced a great deal, but they are no happier. The happiest women I know are not those who are balancing their careers and families, like a lot of my friends are. The happiest people I know are the women — like my cousins — who have a high school education, got married immediately graduating and never went to college. They are very religious and they never question their Catholicism. They do not regard the house as a prison. … I look at my friends who are on the fast track. They are desperate, frenzied and frazzled, the most unhappy women who have ever existed. They work nights and weekends and have no lives. Some of them have children who are raised by nannies. … The entire feminist culture says that the most important woman is the woman with an attache case. I want to empower the woman who wants to say, "I'm tired of this and I want to go home." The far right is correct when it says the price of women's liberation is being paid by the children. * We have allowed the sexual debate to be defined by women, and that's not right. Men must speak, and speak in their own voices, not voices coerced by feminist moralists. * The women's movement is rooted in the belief that we don't even need men. All it will take is one natural disaster to prove how wrong that is. Then, the only thing holding this culture together will be masculine men of the working class. The cultural elite — women and men — will be pleading for the plumbers and the construction workers. We are such a parasitic class. * At Bennington, I would go to a faculty meeting and be aware that everyone hated me. The men were appalled by a strong, loud woman. But I went to this auto shop and the men there thought I was cute. "Oh, there's that Professor Paglia from the college." The real men, men who work on cars, find me cute. '''They are not frightened by me, no matter how loud I am. But the men at the college were terrified because they are eunuchs, and I threatened every goddamned one of them.''' * The problem with America is that there's too little sex, not too much. The more our instincts are repressed, the more we need sex, pornography and all that. The problem is that feminists have taken over with their attempts to inhibit sex. We have a serious testosterone problem in this country. … It's a mess out there. Men are suspicious of women's intentions. Feminism has crippled them. They don't know when to make a pass. If they do make a pass, they don't know if they're going to end up in court. * I believe in moderate sexual harassment guidelines. But you can't the Stalinist situation we have in America right now, where any neurotic woman can make any stupid charge and destroy a man's reputation. If there is evidence of false accusation, the accuser should be expelled. Similarly, a woman who falsely accuses a man of rape should be sent to jail. My definition of sexual harassment is specific. It is only sexual harassment — by a man or a woman — if it is quid pro quo. That is, if someone says, "You must do this or I'm going to do that" — for instance, fire you. And whereas touching is sexual harassment, speech is not. '''I am militant on this. Words must remain free.''' The solution to speech is that women must signal the level of their tolerance — women are all different. Some are very bawdy. … You must develop the verbal tools to counter offensive language. That s life. Feminism has created a privileged, white middle class of girls who claim they're victims because they want to preserve their bourgeois decorum and passivity. * We must examine the degree to which we coddle middle-class girls. There is something sick about it. The girls I see on campuses are often innocuous, with completely homogenized personalities, miserable, anorexic and bulimic. The feminist movement teaches them that it's men's fault, but it isn't. These girls go out into the world as heiresses of all the affluence in the universe. They are the most pampered and most affluent girls on the globe. So stop complaining about men. You're getting all the rewards that come with the nice-girl persona you've chosen. When you get into trouble and you're batting your eyes and someone is offending you and you are too nice to deal with it, that's a choice. Assess your persona. Realize the degree to which your niceness may invoke people to say lewd and pornographic things to you — sometimes to violate your niceness. The more you blush, the more people want to do it. Understand your part of it and learn to parry. Sex talk is a game. The girls in the Sixties loved it. If you don't want some professor to call you honey, tell him. * I have lesbian impulses, so I understand how a man looks at a woman. … When I was growing up, it wasn't possible for me to do anything about my attraction to women. Lesbianism didn't exist in that time, as far as I knew. * I understand when men complain about women giving mixed messages, because women have given me a lot of mixed messages. I understand the rage that this can cause. … A woman I'm talking with at some event says, "Let's leave here and go to this bar," which is a lesbian bar. We go to the bar and we're talking and then she says, "Let's go have coffee," and we go to this coffee shop and end up, at three in the morning, half a block from her apartment. Finally, she says, "All right, well, goodnight." She's ready to go home alone and I look at her, like, "What do you mean? Aren't we going to go back to your apartment?" "No." "What?" And she says, "Do you think I was leading you on?" Un-fucking-believable. I can't tell you the rage. I am, at that point, looking at her and.... All I can say is, if I had been an 18-year-old street kid instead of a 45-year-old woman, I would have stabbed her. I was completely humiliated and furious. If I had been a guy with a hard-on, I would have hit her. [[File:Taylor, Elizabeth posed.jpg|thumb|I collected 599 pictures of Elizabeth Taylor — some people find that obsessive. I collected 599. Not 600, but 599.]] [[File:LizPhair.jpg|thumb|I like Liz Phair, but there were these stupid women reviewers who said she's surpassing the [[Rolling Stones|Stones]]. Dream on.]] * Most people aren't sure what's going to happen on a first date. Given that ambiguity, every woman must be totally aware at every moment that she is responsible for every choice she makes. … protect yourselves. See trouble coming. * I collected 599 pictures of Elizabeth Taylor — some people find that obsessive. I collected 599. Not 600, but 599. I feel that genius and obsession be the same thing. It is rare when a woman is driven by obsession. Similarly, it is rare when a woman is a genius. That's why I said one of my most notorious sentences, that there is no woman [[Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]] because there is no woman Jack the Ripper. Men are more prone to obsession because they are fleeing domination by women. They flee to a chess game or to a computer or to fixing a car, or whatever, to attempt to complete their identities, because they always feel incomplete. * '''The fact is, you get great art only from mutilated egos. Only mutilated egos are obsessive enough.''' When I entered graduate school in 1968, 1 thought women were going to have all these enormous achievements, that they would redo everything. Then I saw every one of my female friends — these great minds who were going to transform the world — get married, move because their husbands moved and have babies. I screamed at them: What are you doing? Finish your great book! But they all read me the riot act. They said, "Camille, we are not you." They said, "We want life. We want love. We want happiness. We are not happy — like you are — just living off ideas." I am weird. * She is so deluded that she genuinely believes she speaks for all women. She's a victim of her own success. I liked the early Steinem. There was once a survey conducted for ''Time'' about who would make a good candidate for the first female president, and I wrote in Gloria Steinem. But now? Gloria Steinem is dissing men and dissing fashion and she's out having her hair streaked at Kenneth's. She became a socialite with a coterie. A lot of middle-aged white ladies still love her, but the media have been negligent regarding her. ** On [[Gloria Steinem]] * After the Sixties there was a collapse in almost everything we believed in. It culminated in the biological disaster of AIDS — an answer to every one of us who preached free love. … AIDS is a price paid for sins committed in the Sixties, and by gay men who took free love to extremes throughout the Seventies and had unrestrained, decadent, pagan sex. I support paganism in all its forms, but a price must be paid. I believed in free love, too, but we were wrong. It wasn't the Pope who was the problem. It wasn't the struggle with old-fashioned moral codes that was the problem. It was nature. Nature said, "Guess what? If you're going to be that promiscuous, I will off you." … I believe that nature rewards things that are in its best interest and punishes things that are not. * '''My point is that you cannot force social change at a speed that it cannot go. Social change is evolutionary, not revolutionary. Deep social change takes time.''' And slowly the culture is changing. The MTV generation is far more tolerant, and that tolerance is growing. * [[Bill Clinton|Clinton]] is in trouble and she ([[Joycelyn Elders]]) opens her mouth about masturbation. Can't she control herself? She was in the wrong job. In some ways she's like me — she says what she thinks. But then you shouldn't be part of politics. I would like Joycelyn Elders to be in a position to speak her mind and not worry about political consequences. You cannot have a nondiplomatic figure in a political appointment. ** On Joycelyn Elders and Clinton's firing of her * The Democratic Party has to return to its populist base, to rediscover the party of FDR, the one that appealed to my grandfather and the factory workers and others. To do this, there must be a period of self-criticism. We must face this head-on or continue to be governed by the Republicans. We must examine how we set up the rise of Republicans on campuses, where the dissent should be coming from. It is explained by the lack of energy; and ideas from the other side. As a result, campuses are the most depressing places, devoid of passion. * The left constantly identifies the pro-life advocates as misogynists and fanatics, but that doesn't represent most of those people. They are deeply religious and they truly believe that taking a life is wrong. If the left were to show respect for that position and acknowledge the moral conundrum of unwanted pregnancy, the opposition to abortion would lessen. We must acknowledge that people should be a little troubled by abortion. Not to acknowledge that this is a difficult decision is wrong. The procedure snuffs out a potential personality. … '''You have a stronger case if you give due respect to the other side. An abortion should be something that is wrestled with.''' And herein is the point. Though most people agree that abortion should be an option, there is something attractive about the deeply moral position of those against abortion, particularly when the other side is in a spiritual vacuum. '''There is nothing in kids' education anymore that tells them to revere anything.''' Traditional religions, with all their moral codes, are becoming increasingly attractive in light of the alternatives: the Prozac nation, or heroin, which has come back with a vengeance. * Millions of kids are being maimed right now on Ritalin. I would have been given Ritalin. And there would have been no ''Sexual Personae'', no nothing. We are castrating a whole generation of kids. * The only problem I have with computers and television is that when all cultures on earth reach the stage we are at it will lead to a kind of homogenization. * '''In the real world, very smart people fail and mediocre people rise. Part of what makes people fail or succeed are skills that have nothing to do with IQ.''' Also, the idea that intelligence can be gauged by an IQ test is erroneous. * I loathe [[w:Meryl Streep|Meryl Streep]]. She was good in ''[[w:Silkwood|Silkwood]]'', but she began to take herself very seriously. I'm reacting to the horrendous overpraise she has received. She is a calculated actress, a victim of her own WASP culture. I find her totally unconvincing. She has no passion. She has no deep elemental vibration. [[Jodie Foster]] is overpraised, too. I thought she was good in ''[[The Silence of the Lambs]]'', and ''[[w:The Accused|The Accused]]'', but she's getting on my nerves. * I am reverential to great stars. I don't want sexual congress with them. The writer in me reveres the artist in them. * He was a revealing symbol. He called himself passive-aggressive. There was self-pity, whining. There was a diminishment, a diminution. He was sitting there in his sweater, hunched over his guitar, looking like a little lost boy. Compare that with the great figures of my generation: Jimi Hendrix. Pete Townshend. Keith Richards. ** On [[Kurt Cobain]] [[File:Gloria Steinem at news conference, Women's Action Alliance, January 12, 1972.jpg|thumb|[[Gloria Steinem|She]] is so deluded that she genuinely believes she speaks for all women. She's a victim of her own success.]] [[File:Florida Gulf Beach Wedding Officiant Les.JPG|thumb|Men are looking for maternal solace in women, and that's the nature of heterosexuality. Now you tell me, who really has all the power?]] * I like [[w:Liz Phair|Liz Phair]], but there were these stupid women reviewers who said she's surpassing the [[Rolling Stones|Stones]]. Dream on. * I had crushes on women — actually I loved charismatic, extreme people, women or men. By high school I was saying I must be a lesbian, because if you are attracted to women, you're a lesbian. I was also attracted to men, but I didn't get along with men. * From early on, my father talked to me like an adult. One of the earliest things he did was teach me the Latin names of the parts of the body. He was very analytic. We had no money, but intellectual curiosity was encouraged, and my parents constantly talked with each other. This develops the brain. I remember listening and thinking, listening to voices talking, talking, talking. … My father died of cancer but lived long enough to see me famous, though not long enough to read my book fully. If he were alive I wouldn't be quite so outrageous, speaking about my sex life, for instance. I don't believe in embarrassing my family. * I think intellectuals should be fascinated by my rise, what it reveals about the time. My critics are irrelevant, though. It tells how much I'm getting to them by how vitriolic they are. They refuse to deal with the ideas. But reviews don't reflect anything; the books are selling. A friend told me, "The attacks make you." * I am popular with certain people, but I'm still blocked out of the establishment. I hate that incestuous world. It makes me sick. It's impossible for anything truly original to get done. Thinking is not allowed. It's all PC. It is so horrible because it is a fossilized, parasitic version of Sixties philosophy. * Because of the nature of the penis, men have performance anxiety, whereas no woman ever has to prove herself in this way. So men's egos are totally involved in performance, in doing, achieving. An erection is a kind of achievement. So is peeing. As I've said, a boy has to learn to aim in order to no longer be infantile. So it's an accomplishment. The male orgasm is short-lived and transient — and that's the irony of men's sexuality. It's ironic that feminism looks at the penis as power and violence when in fact it is very weak. * It took most of my life to realize that men are not tyrants or egomaniacs. I had an epiphany in a shopping mall recently that put it all in perspective. I was having a piece of pizza and I saw all these teenage boys running around in the mall. They were wild. I looked at them and saw this desperation. When I was their age I hated those kinds of boys because they were so obnoxious. They are so involved in their status, gaining it, afraid of losing it. I'm glad I don't have to be that age again. So they sat down near me and they didn't notice me. I didn't exist on their radar map. I was thinking, This is great. I was watching. They were full of energy and life. And I suddenly realized, My God, the reason they are so loud, the reason they are so uncontrolled, the reason I hated them at that age is that they bond with each other against women. It was the first time they were able to be away from the control of a woman — their mothers. They were on their own and for this period they're very dangerous. Women have to watch out when they go to fraternity parties, because the men are all trying to up their status among one another and there is all this testosterone. And then some girl will snag them. And that's it. It's over for them. They get married and they're under the control of their wives forever. You hear these women all the time, on, like, [[Ricki Lake]], saying, "You know, I have two children, but actually I have three children" about the husband, and it's true: The husband becomes a child again. Even when men are doing their share, taking out the garbage, doing the mopping, whatever, women are still running the household. They are in control and the men become subordinate again. So that's what the feminists are so worried about? Men who are subordinated by their mothers and then by their wives? '''Men are looking for maternal solace in women, and that's the nature of heterosexuality. Now you tell me, who really has all the power?''' ===''The Magic of Images: Word and Picture in a Media Age'' (2004)=== <Small>Published in ''Arion'' Vol. 11, no 3, Spring 2004</Small> * Interest in and patience with long, complex books and poems have alarmingly diminished not only among college students but college faculty in the US. It is difficult to imagine American students today, even at elite universities, gathering impromptu at midnight for a passionate discussion of big, challenging literary works like [[w:Dostoyevsky|Dostoyevsky]]'s ''[[w:The Brothers Karamazov|The Brothers Karamazov]]'' -- a scene I witnessed in a recreation room strewn with rock albums at my college dormitory in upstate New York in 1965. * As a classroom teacher for over thirty years, I have become increasingly concerned about evidence of, if not cultural decline, then cultural dissipation since the 1960s, a decade that seemed to hold such heady promise of artistic and intellectual innovation. '''Young people today are flooded with disconnected images but lack a sympathetic instrument to analyze them as well as a historical frame of reference in which to situate them.''' I am reminded of an unnerving scene in [[Stanley Kubrick]]'s epic film, ''[[2001: A Space Odyssey]]'', where an astronaut, his air hose cut by the master computer gone amok, spins helplessly off into space. '''The new generation, raised on TV and the personal computer but deprived of a solid primary education, has become unmoored from the mother ship of culture'''. Technology, like Kubrick's rogue computer, Hal, is the companionable servant turned ruthless master. The ironically self-referential or overtly politicized and jargon-ridden paradigms of higher education, far from helping the young to cope or develop, have worsened their vertigo and free fall. Today's students require not subversion of rationalist assumptions -- the childhood legacy of intellectuals born in Europe between the two World Wars -- but the most basic introduction to structure and chronology. With out that, they are riding the tail of a comet in a media starscape of explosive but evanescent images. * '''The computer, with its multiplying forums for spontaneous free expression from e-mail to listservs and blogs, has increased facility and fluency of language but degraded sensitivity to the individual word and reduced respect for organized argument, the process of deductive reasoning.''' The jump and jitter of us commercial television have demonstrably reduced attention span in the young. * In a media age where books are no longer the primary medium for information storage and exchange, language must be reclaimed from the hucksters and the pedants and imaginatively reinforced. To save literature, educators must take command of the pre-rational world of images. '''The only antidote to the magic of images is the magic of words.''' === Obama Surfs Through (2008) === :<small>[http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/camille_paglia/2008/11/12/palin/print.html "Obama Surfs Through" at Salon.com (12 November 2008)]</small> * How dare [[Sarah Palin|Palin]] not embrace abortion as the ultimate civilized ideal of modern culture? How tacky that she speaks in a vivacious regional accent indistinguishable from that of Western Canada! How risible that she graduated from the University of Idaho and not one of those plush, pampered commodes of received opinion whose graduates, in their rush to believe the worst about her, have demonstrated that, when it comes to sifting evidence, they don't know their asses from their elbows. * Liberal Democrats are going to wake up from their sadomasochistic, anti-Palin orgy with a very big hangover. The evil genie released during this sorry episode will not so easily go back into its bottle. A shocking level of irrational emotionalism and at times infantile rage was exposed at the heart of current Democratic ideology — contradicting Democratic core principles of compassion, tolerance and independent thought. One would have to look back to the [[Dwight Eisenhower|Eisenhower]] 1950s for parallels to this grotesque lock-step parade of bourgeois provincialism, shallow groupthink and blind prejudice. * I like Sarah Palin, and I’ve heartily enjoyed her arrival on the national stage. As a career classroom teacher, I can see how smart she is — and quite frankly, I think the people who don’t see it are the stupid ones, wrapped in the fuzzy mummy-gauze of their own worn-out partisan dogma. So she doesn’t speak the King’s English — big whoop! There is a powerful clarity of consciousness in her eyes. She uses language with the jumps, breaks and rippling momentum of a be-bop saxophonist. I stand on what I said (as a staunch pro-choice advocate) in my last two columns — that Palin as a pro-life wife, mother and ambitious professional represents the next big shift in feminism. Pro-life women will save feminism by expanding it, particularly into the more traditional Third World. === ''Free Women, Free Men'' (2017) === * How is it possible that today's academic Left has supported rather than protested campus speech codes as well as the grotesque surveillance and over-regulation of student life? American colleges have abandoned their educational mission and become government colonies, ruled by officious bureaucrats enforcing federal dictates. This despotic imperialism has no place in a modern democracy. ** From the [http://archive.is/4luev Introduction] to [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/1101871814 ''Free Women, Free Men''], Paglia, Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group (2017) * I don't want special protection for gays or transgender. I'm saying there should be protections for all dissident behavior and speech. Dissidents of every kind. ** In an interview about the book. "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69rgLvitaYM Camille Paglia on her controversial feminism]" (at 10m35s), CBC News: The National on YouTube, 7 May 2017. === Other quotes === [[File:Mother Goddess, Madhya Pradesh or Rajasthan, India, 6th - 7th cents., National Museum of Korea, Seoul (40236606165).jpg|thumb|right|For me, I don't believe in God, yet I believe in all Gods.]] * For me, I don't believe in God, yet I believe in [[w:Polytheism|all Gods]]. I believe that the great religions of the world are these repositories of spiritual experience. And each one of the great world religions contains insights about the nature of the universe. ** "[https://www.americamagazine.org/sites/default/files/attachments/paglia.pdf An Interview with Camille Paglia]", ''America Magazine'', 12 November 1994 * The idea that these post-structuralists and postmodernists are heirs of the 1960s revolution is an absolute crock. [...] This was an elistist form from the start. It was not progressive. It was not revolutionary. It was reactionary. It was a desperate attempt to hold on to what had happened before the 1960s sensory revolution. But this postmodernist thing, this trashing of the text, this encouragement of a superior and destructive attitude toward the work of art. We're going through it, primly with red pen in hand, finding all the evidence of sexism check, racism check, homophobia check. That is not the empathic emotional sensory-based revolution of the 1960s. I am sick and tired of these people claiming any kind of mantle from the 1960s. They're frauds! What happened in the 1970s was a collapse of the job market in academia. All of a sudden jobs were scarce and this thing was there, the new and improved and shiny thing, to be a theorist. And people seized on it. It was institutionalized. And it is an enormous betrayal of the 1960s. ** "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-hIVnmUdXM&t=3m20s Modern Times: Camille Paglia & Jordan B Peterson]" (at 3m20s), ''Jordan B Peterson'' podcast, 3 October 2017 * I'm an atheist, but I see the great world religions as enormous works of art. As the best way to understand the universe and man's place in it. ** "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-hIVnmUdXM&t=8m13s Modern Times: Camille Paglia & Jordan B Peterson]" (at 8m13s), ''Jordan B Peterson'' podcast, 3 October 2017 * Authentic leftism is populist. It is based in working-class style, working-class language, working-class direct emotion, in an openness and brusqueness of speech. Not this fancy, contorted jargon of the pseudo-leftist of academe, who are frauds. These people who manage to rise to the top at Berkeley, at Harvard, at Princeton, how many of these people are radical? They are career people. They are corporate types [...] They love the institutional context. They know how to manipulate the bureaucracy which has totally invaded and usurped academe everywhere. [...] They love to sit on endless committees. They love bureaucratic regulation. Not one "leftist" in American academe raised his or her voice against obscene growth of tuition costs, which have bankrupted a whole generation of young people. ** "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-hIVnmUdXM&t=11m41s Modern Times: Camille Paglia & Jordan B Peterson]" (at 11m41s), ''Jordan B Peterson'' podcast, 3 October 2017 == Quotes about Paglia == [[File:Betty Friedan 1960.jpg|thumb|How can you take her seriously? She is an exhibitionist, and she takes the most extreme elements of the women's movement and tries to make the whole movement antisexual, antilife, antijoy. And neither I nor most of the women I know are that way. —[[Betty Friedan]]]] :<small>'''In alphabetical order by author or source.'''</small> * Three years ago Camille Paglia told me that she had "single-handedly turned the ocean liner of feminism" around, a wonderfully appropriate metaphor for a woman who, wherever she is, shouts like a foghorn in an Atlantic mist. ** [[Melissa Benn]] [https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v20/n03/melissa-benn/making-it "Making It"], ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 20, No. 3 (February 5, 1998). * The 1990s brought a widespread backlash against this rigid [[feminist]] orthodoxy [in American academia]. For many, it was personified by Camille Paglia, a professor at an obscure university in Philadelphia, who, in her 1990 book <i>Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence from Nefertiti to Emily Dickinson</i>, as well as in scores of essays and interviews, dismissed [[women]]’s contributions to Western culture (“There are no female Mozarts”) and mocked the “weepy, whiny, white middle-class ideology” of the “Stalinist” feminist movement under [[Gloria Steinem]], which Paglia reviled for its intellectual vacuity, sexual [[puritanism]], and hostility to men -- not to mention its obsessive victim mentality, which, in her view, only served to reinforce [[Victorian]] stereotypes. For Paglia, women, far from being the weaker sex, were gifted by nature with an innate power over men -- the power of sex. […] The feminist [[establishment]], however, chose not to learn from but to vilify Paglia and company. And Women’s Studies, unable to answer them, all but ignored them. ** [[w:Bruce Bawer|Bruce Bawer]] (2012), ''The Victim’s Revolution: The Rise of Identity Studies and the Closing of the Liberal Mind''. NY: Broadside Books, pp. 78-79 * Camille, in terms of the achievement of ''Sexual Personae'', belongs at a place like Yale or Harvard or Princeton or Chicago or Berkeley. But they will not have her. One of the many, many signs of the incredible decadence of our academic institutions is that '''someone as brilliant, as learned, as talented, and as ferociously burning an intellect as Camille Paglia''' is much less likely to win conferment at one of our major universities than any of these humdrum bureaucrats of resentment who are appointed by others in the network because they are politically correct. ** [[w:Harold Bloom|Harold Bloom]], quoted in "Woman Warrior" by Francesca Stanfill, ''New York Magazine'', 4 March 1991, vol. 24 no. 9, [https://books.google.com/books?id=H-kCAAAAMBAJ&lpg=PA30&dq=%22burning%20an%20intellect%20as%20camille%22&pg=PA30#v=onepage&q=%22burning%20an%20intellect%20as%20camille%20paglia%22&f=false p. 30]. * The person that made this newfound pursuit of intellectual engagement invigorating and sexy was Camille Paglia. '''Her book, ''Sexual Personae'', made me realize how little I really had learned in college'''. Her articles and assorted writings began to open my mind to the [[fraud]] that is [[higher education]] in America. ** [[Andrew Breitbart]] (2011), ''Righteous Indignation: Excuse Me While I Save the World!'' NY: Grand Centrual Publishing, {{ISBN|9780446572828}}, p. 36 *Paglia, a controversial professor... author of ''Sexual Personae: Art and Decadence''... revealed that she never, not for a moment, felt like a woman. She had never felt like a man either, and she called this lifelong [[reality]] her [[radical]] [[w:gender dysphoria|gender dysphoria]]. I had never heard of such a thing. So here I was, once again, trying to process a news story that combined an issue of sexuality, controversy, and unclear boundaries. I looked up the meaning of her words and found another term for this: [[w:nonbinary|nonbinary]]. **[https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/capitalism-psychiatry Lawrence H. Climo, The Non-Binary Story and the Rescue of Self: Healing Stories of the Third Kind, ''Psychiatric Times''], (26 February 2020) * The literary critic Camille Paglia argues that sexuality is by nature aggressive. “My theory,” she says [on page 3 of <I>Sexual Personae</i>] “is that whenever sexual freedom is sought or achieved, [[sadomasochism]] will not be far behind.” She attacks feminists who believe that sex is all sugar and spice and that it is [[patriarchal]] society that makes sex violent. Sex, for Paglia, is about power; society is not the source of sexual violence; sex, the irrepressible natural force, is. If anything, society is the force that inhibits the natural violence of sex. Paglia is certainly more accurate than those who deny that [[perversion]] is rife with [[aggression]]. But in assuming that sex is fundamentally aggressive, and sadomasochistic, she doesn’t allow for the plasticity of human sexuality. Just because sex and aggression can unite in a plastic brain, and appear “natural,” doesn’t mean that that is their only possible expression. ** [[w:Norman Doidge|Norman Doidge]] (2007) <I>The Brain that Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science</I>. NY:Viking, p. 350 * Examples [of censorship and intolerance from self-described 'liberals'] are well-known. When Camille Paglia was invited to speak at [[w:Brown University|Brown]], campus feminists were outraged, though their voices greatly outnumbered hers... ** [[w:John M. Ellis|John M. Ellis]] (1997), ''Literature Lost: Social Agendas and the Corruption of the Humanities'', New Haven: Yale University Press, p. 223 * How can you take her seriously? She is an exhibitionist, and she takes the most extreme elements of the women's movement and tries to make the whole movement antisexual, antilife, antijoy. And neither I nor most of the women I know are that way. ** [[Betty Friedan]], <small>Interview of Friedan by David Sheff ''Playboy'' September 1992, pp. 51-54, 56, 58, 60, 62, 149; reprinted in full in ''Interviews with Betty Friedan'', Janann Sherman, ed. Univ. Press of Mississippi, 2002, {{ISBN|1578064805}}.</small> *There is one area in which I think Paglia and I would agree that [[politically correct]] [[feminism]] has produced a noticeable inequity. Nowadays, when a woman behaves in a hysterical and disagreeable fashion, we say, 'Poor dear, it's probably [[w:PMS|PMS.]]' Whereas, if a man behaves in a hysterical and disagreeable fashion, we say, 'What an asshole.' Let me leap to correct this unfairness by saying of Paglia, '''Sheesh, what an asshole.''' ** [[Molly Ivins]], "[http://books.google.com/books?id=8OYDAAAAMBAJ&lpg=PA11&dq=paglia%20%22what%20an%20asshole%22&pg=PA11#v=onepage&q=paglia%20%22what%20an%20asshole%22&f=false I am the Cosmos]", ''Mother Jones'', Sept-Oct, 1991 * [T]he most threatening thing about her, from the American viewpoint, is that she refuses to treat the arts as an instrument of civil rights. '''Without talent, no entitlement'''. **[[w:Clive James|Clive James]], reviewing Paglia’s <I>Break, Blow, Burn</i> in the ''New York Times''. [http://www.arlindo-correia.com/100805.html] * When [[pro-choice]] social commentator Camille Paglia wrote that she sanctions "murder" when it is called "[[abortion]]," pro-lifers were horrified. They should have cheered. […] Almost every pro-abortion activist lives in a zone where they conceal what abortion really is -- though they know that the procedure involves killing a person each and every time. The difference between them and Paglia is that they don't come out and say it. ** Andrea Mrozek, “Thank You, Camille Paglia”. <I>National Post</i> [Canada], (23 September 2008) * '''When I mentioned to friends that I was heading to Philadelphia to meet Camille Paglia, I realized the degree of animosity she provokes. She was contemptuously dismissed, often by people who had never read her work.''' Others seemed torn by her … Some praised her as fresh and profound, but even more dismissed her as outrageous and repugnant. … Despite such opinions, in person and in context instead of in sound bites, Paglia is often reasonable, witty and likable … '''She is also correct in at least one of her assessments — that she, like such loudmouths as [[Rush Limbaugh]], [[Howard Stern]] and [[Ross Perot]], helps to encourage discourse and free speech in a country that needs all it can get.''' ** [[w:David Sheff|David Sheff]], in [http://privat.ub.uib.no/BUBSY/playboy.htm ''Playboy'' interview (May 1995)] * It is very rare these days to hear anyone praising masculinity. The dissident feminist writer Camille Paglia is a refreshing example. Her observations are effective antidotes to the surfeit of disparagements. ** [[w:Christina Hoff Sommers|Christina Hoff Sommers]] (2000), ''The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism is Harming Our Young Men'', NY: Simon & Schuster, p. 63 * [[Scholars]] who refuse to toe the [[feminist]] line are also ignored... The iconoclastic Camille Paglia appears [only] once [...], in ''Women’s Realities, Women’s Choices'', and is described as someone who “assails [[feminists]] for what she regards as dull rhetoric.” ** Christine Stolba, regarding Paglia's almost complete absence from [[w:women's studies|women's studies]] textbooks in American academia; ''[http://www.iwf.org/files/d8dcafa439b9c20386c05f94834460ac.pdf Lying in a Room of One’s Own: How Women’s Studies Textbooks Miseducate Students]" (2002), Independent Women's Forum. == See also == *[[Antifeminism]] *[[James Frazer]] *[[Friedrich Nietzsche]] ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * [http://privat.ub.uib.no/BUBSY/nomore1.htm Articles, essays, etc, by Camille Paglia] * [http://dir.salon.com/topics/camille_paglia/index.html Salon Articles by Camille Paglia] * [http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4158/is_20050827/ai_n14900926 "No fairy-tale ending for Madonna" by Paglia] * [http://www.oasismag.com/Issues/9606/oasis-coverstory.html Oasis - ''Teen Talk'' with Camille Paglia (1 June 1996)] *[http://www.onpointradio.org/2005/05/break-blow-burn-rebroadcast Break, Blow, Burn." on ''"On Point with Tom Ashbrook", - NPR (27 May 2005)] {{Conservative intellectuals}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Paglia, Camille}} [[Category:1947 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:Women academics from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from New York (state)]] [[Category:Free speech activists]] [[Category:Activists from New York (state)]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Libertarians from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Cultural critics]] [[Category:Film critics from the United States]] [[Category:Literary critics]] [[Category:Social critics]] [[Category:Critics from the United States]] [[Category:American art historians]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:Columnists from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:Women born in the 1940s]] [[Category:Women journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] 8gu040vdlwlghzkbs47s2o2h97vxjsn 0 12522 3944710 3943324 2026-05-24T04:20:02Z Tithicies32 3328513 3944710 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup}} {{italic title}} [[File:Madagascar logo.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 animated film]] about four [[w:Central Park Zoo|Central Park Zoo]] animals who have spent their lives in blissful captivity and are unexpectedly shipped back to Africa, becoming shipwrecked on the island of [[w:Madagascar|Madagascar]]. It was followed by ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' and ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'', as well as a spin-off focused on the penguins, ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]''. :''Directed by [[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]] and [[w:Tom McGrath (animator)|Tom McGrath]]. Written by [[w:Mark Burton (writer)|Mark Burton]], [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]], Eric Darnell, and Tom McGrath.'' {{center|'''Someone's got a zoo loose.'''<small>[[#Taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} ==Dialogue (Actual Movie)== ===Scene 1: Opening Credits/Marty's Dream=== :''[In the beginning, the island of Madagascar appears in a daydream. A zebra yells like Tarzan and jumps out the vine after swinging it. The choir penguins in their black bowties singing [[Born Free]] by John Barry and they fly. He runs and jumps to the water in slow motion. A lion appears, sneaking towards the zebra as almost in the middle of a dream, he jumps up snapping him out of his dream, and the music stops.]'' :''[first lines]'' :'''Alex''': ''[Pukes out huge animal bones such as hippos, rhinos, elephants, etc at Marty (at the camera), killing everyone in their universe]'' :'''Patrick''' (Spongebob): Everyone died. The end. ==Dialogue (Fake)== ===Scene 1: Opening Credits/Marty's Dream=== :''[In the beginning, the island of Madagascar appears in a daydream. A zebra yells like Tarzan and jumps out the vine after swinging it. The choir penguins in their black bowties singing [[Born Free]] by John Barry and they fly. He runs and jumps to the water in slow motion. A lion appears, sneaking towards the zebra as almost in the middle of a dream, he jumps up snapping him out of his dream, and the music stops.]'' :''[first lines]'' :'''Alex''': Surprise! :'''Marty''': ''[screams, falls from treadmill and crashes into a fence]'' Alex! Do not interrupt me when I'm daydreaming! When a zebra's in the zone, leave him alone. :'''Alex''': Come on, Marty. Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday! :'''Marty''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, man. Thanks! :'''Alex''': ''[expresses pain on the right side of his jaw]'' Oh! Ah! Oh! Hey, um... I got s – I got something stuck in my teeth. It's driving me crazy! Can you help me out here? Please? :'''Marty''': Ah! You came to the right place, my friend. Doctor Marty, D.D.S., is in the house! Please hop on top of my sterilized examination table, if you may. ''[Alex opens the mouth, but can't see anything, because it's dark]'' I don't see anything. :'''Alex''': ''[muffled]'' It's on the left. :'''Marty''': Ow! :'''Alex''': ''[muffled]'' Oh, sorry. :'''Marty''': OK, just don't talk with your mouth full. ''[Alex nods]'' Aha! Right here. What the heck is this doing in there? :'''Alex''': Happy birthday! :'''Marty''': Aww! Hey, thanks, man! You put it in behind the tooth. You all right. :'''Alex''': These aren't even on the shelf yet. Here! Check it out. Check it out! Look at that. Ooh! Look at that! Ooh! :'''Marty''': Look at that. It's snowing. :'''Alex''': 10 years old, huh? A decade. Double digits. The big 1-O! You don't like it? :'''Marty''': No, no, it's great! :'''Alex''': You hate it. Ugh! I should've gotten you the Alex alarm clock. That's the one. That's the big seller. :'''Marty''': No, no! No. The present's great, really. It's just that another year's come and gone, and I'm still doing the same old thing. ''[imitating]'' "Stand over here, trot over there. Eat some grass. Walk back over here." :'''Alex''': I see your problem. :'''Marty''': Maybe I should go to law school. :'''Alex''': You just need to break out of that boring routine. :'''Marty''': How? :'''Alex''': Throw out the old act. Get out there! Who knows what you're gonna do? Make it up as you go along. Ad lib, improvise, on the fly. Boom, boom, boom! :'''Marty''': Really? :'''Alex''': You know, make it fresh. :'''Marty''': Fresh, huh? OK. I could do fresh. :'''Alex''': Works for me. :''[Earth, Wind and Fire's Boogie Wonderland plays as the statue monkeys ring the bell at the front of the zoo ring at the zoo's opening hour. The People are coming! Alex bursts with excitement about them.]'' :'''Alex''': Here come the people, Marty! Oh, I love the people! It's fun people fun time! Whoo! ''[Hops into Gloria the Hippo's habitat and tap dances on her butt]'' Let's go, Gloria! Up and at 'em! We're open! :'''Gloria''': ''[yawning]'' What day is it? :'''Alex''': It's Friday! Field trip day! Dadadadada! Boom! Let’s go! Come on! :'''Gloria''': Yes, it's field trip day. Let's get up and go... ''[falls asleep again]'' in 10 more minutes. :''[ricocheting off a lamppost, Alex arrives at the roof of Melman's pen. Melman is a timid giraffe with constant health problems, or so he thinks]'' :'''Alex''': Come on! ''[sings in Conga style]'' Melman, Melman, Melman! Melman, Melman, Melman! Wake up! Rise and shine! It's another fabulous morning in the Big Apple. Let's go! :'''Melman''': ''[scoffs]'' Not for me. I'm calling in sick. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Melman''': I found a brow-- Another brown spot on my shoulder. Right here. See? Right th-- Right there. You see? :'''Alex''': Melman, you know it's all in your head. Hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kids and adults burst through the zoo gates eager to view the animals and Alex.]'' :'''Kid''': Let's go! Come on! :''[As rushed parents threw away their coffee cups in the trash, Mason the chimp yawns, retrieves a newspaper, a half-empty coffee cup, and a bagel and returns to his roommate Phil, a mute chimp who doesn't speak.]'' :'''Mason''': Phil! Wake up, you filthy monkey. ''[Mason gives Phil his coffee while he reads the newspaper and eats his bagel. Meanwhile, Marty prepares to give his audience something special for his birthday.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Oh, I'm going to be fresh. Straight out the ground. Tasty fresh! Freshalicious. ''[sips some water and spits it out]'' [[wikipedia:Ziploc|Ziploc]] fresh. :''[an eager crowd awaits outside Alex's rock as they wait for their king to emerge]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, the Central Park Zoo proudly presents: :'''Kids''': ''[chanting]'' Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! :''[backstage Alex prepares himself for another day of people pleasing]'' :'''Alex''': Oh! Show them the cat! Who's the cat? Whoo! :'''Announcer''': The king of New York City. :'''Both''': Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': ''[whispers]'' Ahhhh! :'''Marty''': It's showtime! ''[simultaneously as Alex emerges and turns on the fan blowing his mane]'' :''[Alex emerges on his rock and lets out his signature roar.]'' :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[Crowds go wild! This is what he lived for! The cameraman takes pictures of him. Meanwhile, folks gather around Marty's pen to see his act.]'' :'''Marty''': Gather around, people. Big show about to start. Check out the zebra taking care of biz. That's right. :''[sucking up some water, Marty performs impossibly impressive water tricks with his mouth then sprays at 3 adults.]'' :'''Children''': Yay!!!!! :''[This amazes the kids and attracts photographers to take pictures of him. A series of pictures show Gloria swimming tricks and Melman's MRI and medication treatments.]'' ===Scene 2: The Penguins=== :''[On another side of the zoo, the four penguin brothers who are also agents, Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private are plotting something of their mission...]'' :'''Skipper''': Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. Kowalski, progress report! :''[Kowalski, the brains of the group, emerges from a hole dug out previously by the penguins]'' :'''Kowalski''': We're only 500 feet from the main sewer line. :'''Skipper''': And the bad news? :'''Kowalski''': We've broken our last shovel. ''[shows a broken spoon]'' :'''Skipper''': Right... ''[turns to his weapon specialist Rico]'' Rico, you're on litter patrol. We need shovels, and find more Popsicle sticks. We don't want to risk another cave-in. ''[Rico jumps in the pool]'' :''[Private, the youngest of the group, perks up]'' :'''Private''': And me, Skipper? :'''Skipper''': I want you to look cute and cuddly, Private. Today we're gonna blow this dump. :'''Woman''': Come here. Come here. Come on, penguin. :''[Rico snatches a plastic spoon from a boy eating his frozen yogurt. Marty, meanwhile at sunset, impresses his last fans by making fart noises with his arm pits.]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:City of stone - Flickr - Stiller Beobachter.jpg|thumb|"What continent is this?" <br> "[[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]]".]] [[File:Bronx Zoo Little Blue Penguin Habitat.jpg|thumb|Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].]] :'''Marty''': Yeah! You don't see that on Animal Planet! Ha-ha. ''[mesmerized kids are hauled away by disgusted and confused parents]'' Well, show's over, folks. Thanks for coming. I hope you thought it was FRESH! I'll be here all week. In fact, I'll be here for my whole life. 365 days a year, including Christmas, Hanukkah, Halloween, Kwanzaa. Please don't forget to never spay or neuter your pets. ''[throws; after sips on his beverage]'' And tip your cabbie, because he's broke. :''[A quartet of penguins dig up to the section of a zebra named Marty. One penguin, seemingly the leader, talks to him]'' :'''Skipper''': You, quadruped! ''[In German]'' Sprechen sie Englisch? :'''Marty''': I sprechen. :'''Skipper''': What continent is this? :'''Marty''': [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]]. :'''Skipper''': Hoover Dam! We're still in New York. ''[the penguins down the hole]'' Abort! Dive! Dive! Dive! :'''Marty''': Hey, hey! You in the tux! Wait a minute! ''[the penguins up the hole]'' What are you guys doing? :'''Private''': We're digging to Antarctica. ''[Skipper slaps him]'' :'''Marty''': Ant-''who''-tica? :'''Skipper''': Can you keep a secret, my monochromatic friend? ''[Marty looks around before nodding]'' Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? ''[Marty shakes his head "no"]'' Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]]. To the wild! ''[the four high five each other as Skipper slaps Private again.]'' :'''Marty''': The wild? You could actually go there? That sounds great. ''[before he can thank them, the four have already gone down the hole]'' Hey, hold up! Where is this place?! ''[Muffled]'' Tell me where it is! ''[Skipper alone emerges from the hole pushing his face]'' :'''Skipper''': You didn't see anything... Right? :'''Marty''': Yes, sir! Oh! Uh, I'm sorry. No, sir. ''[Skipper dives back into the hole and seals the hole entrance with Marty's cup]'' :'''Announcer''': For his final appearance of the day, the king of New York City. Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[And the bells are ringing, because it's time to go home and close the Zoo.]'' :'''Alex''': Thank you. Thank you very much. You guys are great. You're a great crowd. Give yourselves a hand, huh? Thank you. ''[underpants flies in his face]'' Oh. Thank you. Oh! Well. Thank you. Oh, that's too kind. Too kind. ''[sling shoots the I Heart (Love) NY undies by accident, which land on Melman's nose]'' :'''Melman''': Ah! Underpants!!! :'''Alex''': ''[humans leave the zoo]'' Everybody get home safe. Hey! Check out my Website. 24 hour Alex Cam. Watch me sleep. ===Scene 3: Marty's 10th birthday begins=== [[File:Busy Grand Central Station in the Afternoon.jpg|thumb|Yeah. What you got to do is, you got to go over to Grand Central. Then you got to take the Metro-North train... north?]] :''[Dusk hits the zoo while closing, and the staff roams the zoo with a band of chefs and groomers to relax the exhausted animals of their hard work. Marty gets his hooves polished like shoes and receives a fresh patch of green grass from the chef as a birthday meal.]'' :'''Gloria''': This is the life. ''[Gloria receives a wide variety of fruit for her meal while drying in a big towel and polish nails for a massage.]'' :'''Melman''': ''[Melman is still getting medical treatment]'' That's the spot. ''[a chef reveals a tray full of medications and vitamins to make him feel better]'' Oh! I'm in heaven. :''[Alex seems to get the most treatment out of all the animals and receives mane grooming, nail trimming, and a full pack of steak meal which he devours in a number of seconds leaving a bone. And later that night, the four friends gather through a small party to celebrate Marty's 10th birthday]'' :'''Gloria''': Ooh, it's Marty's birthday! :'''Alex''': Just rip it open. Come on! :'''Marty''': What is it? What is it? :'''Gloria''': Come on. Open it up. What you get? What you get? What you get? :'''Marty''': Yeah! A thermometer. Thanks. I love it, Melman. I love it. ''[puts it in his mouth with style]'' :'''Melman''': Yeah, I wanted to give you something personal. You know, that was my first rectal thermometer. :'''Marty''': Mother–! ''[Marty proceeds to gag at the thought and spits out the thermometer while licking his tongue]'' :'''Melman''': I'm gonna miss that bad boy. :'''Alex''': Okay. Get the cake. Melman, come on. ''[Melman blows the party noisemaker]'' :'''Everyone but Marty''': ''[humming, in barber shop quartet-style]'' :'''Alex''': Happy :'''Gloria''': birth- :'''Melman''': day :'''Alex''': to :'''Gloria''': you. :'''Alex''': You :'''Melman''': live :'''Gloria''': in :'''Alex''': a zoo. :'''Gloria''': You :'''Melman''': look :'''Alex''': like a :'''Melman''': mon- :'''Alex''': key. :'''Melman''': ''[holds long note]'' Aaaaand :'''Alex''': you smell :'''Gloria''': like   :'''Melman''': one :'''Everyone''': too! ''[laughs]'' :'''Mason''': ''[He spits holding tea cup]'' I say! ''[Phil smells his armpits and faints]'' :'''Marty''': Aw, well, now, you guys are just embarrassing me. And yourselves. :'''Alex''': What are you talking about? We worked on that all week. :'''Gloria''': Let's go. Let's make a wish, baby-cakes. ''[Marty blows out the candle shaped like a 10 then takes a delicious bite of the cake]'' :'''Alex''': Come on. What'd you wish for? :'''Marty''': Nope. Can't tell you that. :'''Alex''': Come on. Tell. :'''Marty''': No, siree. I'm telling you, it's bad luck. You want some bad luck, I'll blab it out. But if you want to be safe, I'll keep my mouth shut. :'''Gloria''': Oh, for crying out loud, Marty. Would you just tell us? I mean, really. What could happen? :'''Marty''': OK. I wished... I could go... <big>'''''TO THE WILD!!!'''''</big> :'''Alex''': The wild?! ''Whoa!! [falls over]'' :''[Melman swallows the noisemaker and chokes, Gloria shocks, Alex thuds and drops his steak]'' :'''Marty''': I told you it was bad luck. :''[Then Gloria tries to get the noisemaker out of Melman's throat]'' :'''Alex''': The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst idea I've ever heard. :'''Melman''': ''[coughs]'' It's unsanitary. :'''Marty''': The penguins are going. So why can't I? :'''Alex''': The penguins are psychotic. :'''Marty''': Come on. Just imagine going back to nature. Back to your roots, clean air, wide open spaces! :'''Gloria''': Well, I hear they have wide-open spaces in Connecticut. :'''Marty''': Connecticut? :'''Melman''': Yeah. What you got to do is, you got to go over to Grand Central. Then you got to take the Metro-North train... north? :'''Marty''': So one could take the train? Just hypothetically. :'''Alex''': Marty, come on. What would Connecticut have to offer us? :'''Melman''': Lyme disease. :'''Alex''': Thank you, Melman. :'''Marty''': No, no, really! Really, I just want... :'''Alex''': This is a highly refined type of food thing that you do not find in the wild. :'''Marty''': You ever thought there might be more to life than steak, Alex? :'''Alex''': ''[stares at his steak]'' He didn't mean that, baby. No-no-no. :'''Marty''': Doesn't it bother you guys that you don't know anything about life outside this zoo? :'''Melman''': Nuh-uh. Nope. :'''Gloria''': Mm-mm. :'''Alex''': Well, I mean, come on. That's just one subject. You got a little, uh, schmutz right there on your... ''[eats his steak]'' :'''Marty''': ''[Sighs and uses a napkin to clean his mouth]'' Thanks, guys. Thanks for the party. It was great. Really. ''[Alex spits a bone and drops it as Marty uses the treadmill]'' :'''Melman''': What's eating him? :'''Gloria''': ''[whispered]'' Maybe you should talk to him, Alex. You know, go over there and give him a little pep talk. :'''Alex''': Hey, I already gave him a snow globe. I can't top that. :'''Gloria''': ''[sighs]'' Alex… :'''Melman''': I can see where this is going. ''[yawns]'' It is getting late. I guess I'm gonna... ''[snores]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[whispered]'' Come on. He's your best friend. :'''Alex''': All right, all right. OK. :'''Gloria''': Night, Marty. :'''Marty''': Night, Glo. :''[Gloria backflips into her pool. Alex takes out an umbrella to avoid the chlorine]'' ===Scene 4: The Talk of the Wild/Marty's Gone=== [[File:Task Force Guardian - Flickr - The National Guard (1).jpg|thumb|"Even the star's out. Not going to find a star like that in the wild."<br>"Helicopter."]] :'''Alex''': Ahhh… what a day. I mean, just really, really I mean I tell you, it just doesn't get any better than this, you know? ''[short pause, Alex sees a star]'' Ooh! It just did. Even the star's out. Not going to find a star like that in the wild. :'''Marty''': Helicopter. ''[A star, which turns out to be a helicopter, flies away.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty. Buddy. Listen. Everybody has days when they think the grass might be greener somewhere else. :'''Marty''': Alex. Look at me. I'm 10 years old. My life is half over. And I don't even know if I'm black with white stripes... or white with black stripes. :'''Alex''': Marty. I'm thinking of a song. :'''Marty''': Alex. Please. Not now. :'''Alex''': Oh, yes. It's a wonderful song. I think you're familiar with it. ♪ Da da da da da! Da da da da da! Da da da da da! Da! ♪ :'''Marty''': Oh, no. Oh, no, you don't. No, no, no. I'm not listening! Lalalalalalalalalalala! :'''Alex''': ♪ Start spreadin' the news ♪ :'''Marty''': I don't know you! :'''Alex''': ♪ I'm leaving today! We are a great big part of it ♪ :'''Marty''': ''[laughs]'' He's funny. Who is that? :'''Alex''': Come on. You know you know the words. Two little words. :'''Marty''': New York. :'''Both''': ♪ New York! ♪ :'''Bird''': Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Hey, I'm sleeping here! We're not all nocturnal, you know!! :'''Marty''': Hey, I'll knock your "turnal" right off, pal. :'''Snake''': Yeah, you and what army, stripes? :'''Alex''': You mess with him, you mess with me, Howard! :'''Marty''': Ah ha ha ha! :'''Unknown Animal''': You're a bigmouth lion! :'''Alex''': See? Mr. Grumpy Stripes! We make a great team, the two of us. :'''Marty''': We sure do. No doubt about it. :'''Alex''': So, what are you going to do? Just go running off to the wild by yourself? :'''Marty''': No. :'''Alex''': Good. :'''Marty''': You and me. Let's go. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Marty''': The wild. Come on. You and me together. It's a straight shot down Fifth Avenue to Grand Central. We'll grab a train, we'll head north. We can be back by morning. No one will ever know. :'''Alex''': ''[chuckles]'' You're joking. Right? :'''Marty''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. I'm joking. Of course I'm joking. Give me a break. Like we're going to get a train. :'''Alex''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh. ''[sighs]'' Don't do that. You really had me worried there. :'''Marty''': ''[yawning]'' Oh, well. I guess I'll hit the sack. :'''Alex''': Yeah, me too. I'll need to rest my voice for tomorrow. It's Seniors' Day, you know. Have to roar extra loud. Give them a little jolt! You know what I’m talking about? :'''Marty''': Good night, Ally Al. :'''Alex''': ''[sighs and claps twice to turn on the red light and hears a bird]'' Oh. They forgot to turn off the ambiance again! :'''Marty''': Don't worry. It's cool. You know, I got it. ''[kicks the speaker, shooing the bird away as it now turns to the sounds of the Police]'' :'''Alex''': Ah. Much better. ''[2 hours later; sleep talking]'' Come on now, baby. My little filet. My little filet mignon with a little fat around the edges. I like that. I like a little fat on my steak. My sweet, juicy steak. You are a rare delicacy. :'''Melman''': Alex. Alex. Alex? Alex. Alex! :'''Alex''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What? :'''Melman''': You suck your thumb? :'''Alex''': ''[sighs]'' What is it, Melman? :'''Melman''': Okay, okay. ''[sighs]'' You know how I have that bladder infection and I have to get up every two hours? Well, I got up to pee, um, and I looked over at Marty's pen, which, you know, I usually don't do. I don't know why, but I did. And this time I looked over and... :'''Alex''': What, Melman? What's going on? :'''Melman''': It's Marty. He's gone. :'''Alex''': Gone?! ''[hits his head]'' Agh! What do you mean "gone"?! :'''Melman''': How long has he been working on this?! ''[looks into the hole the penguins dug]'' Marty!! Marty!!! :'''Gloria''': ''[enters for the scene]'' He wouldn't fit down there. :'''Alex''': ''[tries to look for Marty in the haystacks, noticing that he isn't there]'' Marty? Marty?! Marty!! Marty!!! :'''Gloria''': This doesn't make any sense. Where would he go? :'''Alex''': ''[horrified; after short pause] CONNECTICUT!!'' :'''Gloria''': He wouldn't. :'''Melman''': Oh, no! What are we going to do? We gotta-- we gotta-- I mean, we gotta-- we gotta-- we gotta call somebody! :'''Alex''': ''[Gasps as he runs to a payphone and dials 911]'' Hello?! Get me Missing Animals!! And hurry! We've got a lost zebra probably on the way to Connecticut by now, and we're gonna need...!! :''[Cut to 911 dispatch office; the operator only hears Alex roaring on speaker.]'' :'''911 Operator''': ''[takes off headset in confusion]'' Hello? ''[cut to zoo; on speaker]'' Hello? :'''Alex''': ''[notices a mistake]'' Wait a second. We can't call the people. :'''911 Operator''': What the…?! :'''Alex''': ''[hangs up, then nervously looks at the phone booth for a second before ripping it out, and throws it on the ground]'' They'll be really mad! It'll get Marty transferred for good. You don't bite the hand that feeds you. :'''Gloria''': Mm-hmm. I know that's right. :'''Alex''': We got to go after him. :'''Melman''': Go after him? :'''Alex''': He's not thinking straight. We got to stop him from making for the biggest mistake of his life. He's probably out there lost and cold, confused. ''[sighs; sadly]'' Poor little guy. ===Scene 5: Marty in New York=== :''[The Bee Gees's Stayin’ Alive is playing while Marty walks through New York. Cut to Melman, Alex, and Gloria have just escaped the zoo. Melman helps Alex to hang his neck and Alex falls down to land. Gloria bashes the outside wall from the zoo.]'' :'''Gloria''': Melman, come on! :'''Melman''': You know, maybe one of us should wait here in case he comes back. :'''Gloria''': Oh, no. Not now. This is an intervention, Melman. We all got to go. :'''Alex''': What's the fastest way to Grand Central?! :'''Melman''': Ooh! You should take Lexington. :'''Gloria''': Melman!! :'''Melman''': Okay. "''We''". We should take Lexington. :'''Alex''': What about Park? :'''Melman''': No, Park goes 2 ways. You can't time the lights. :'''Mason''': ''[Mason and Phil have just escaped the zoo]'' I heard [[w:Tom Wolfe|Tom Wolfe]]'s speaking at Lincoln Center. ''[Phil signs frantically]'' Well, of course we're going to throw poo at him. :''[Marty does ice skating then falls. Cut to Alex, Gloria, and Melman at the Subway train station]'' :'''Alex''': I knew we should've taken Park. Are you sure this is the fastest way to Grand Central Station? :'''Gloria''': I don't know! That's what Melman said! :'''Melman''': Hey. Hey, you, guys. That room has some nifty little sinks you can wash up in and look! ''[sticks out his tongue with a urinal cake on it]'' Free mints! :'''Alex''': This isn't a field trip, Melman! This is an urgent mission to save Marty from throwing his life away! Now, where's the train? :'''Melman''': Ah, Here it comes. ''[He hears the train and looks to the other side, screaming as the train hits his head as the warning horn blares]'' :'''Gloria''': What did Marty say to you?! I asked you to talk to him! :'''Alex''': I did! I did! ''[Melman puts the urinal cake back in his mouth]'' I don't understand! He said, "Let's go!" And I said, "What are you, crazy?" And he says, "I'm ten years old!" And he is black with white stripes, and so then we sang and… ''[The train doors open; people scream and run away thinking they're getting attacked by the animals; The train doors close]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Police Horse''': What you got to do is go straight back down West 42nd. :'''Marty''': Uh-huh. :'''Police Horse''': It's on your left after Vanderbilt. :'''Marty''': Okay. :'''Police Horse''': If you hit the Chrysler Building, you've gone too far. :'''Marty''': Uh-huh. Thanks a lot, officer. ''[walks]'' :'''Police Horse''': Hey! ''[Marty looks back]'' Wait for the light! ''[Marty walks backwards a bit while realizing his mistake]'' Freak. :'''Police radio''': Did you say "zebra"? :'''Police Officer''': Yeah, yeah, that's right. A zebra. Right in front of me. Can I shoot it? :'''Police radio''': Negative. :'''Police Officer''': Then I'm going to need some backup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the subway, Alex and his gang are sitting as Alex sees a frightened man reading his newspaper about a basketball game between Golden State Warriors and New York Knicks.]'' :'''Alex''': ''[reads the frightened man's sports paper then roars]'' Aww! Knicks lost again. :'''Melman''': What are you going to do? :'''Conductor''': Grand Central Station. :'''Alex''': Did that just say "Grand Central Station" or "my aunt's constipation"? :'''Gloria''': This is it. ===Scene 6: Grand Central Station/Alex's Dream=== [[File:Grand Central NYPD.jpg|thumb|We've been ratted out, boys.]] :'''Marty''': Grand Central Station. It's ''grand'' and it's ''central''. :''[At the subway, the man's playing a drum set; the train doors open; Alex is running with Gloria and preparing to tackle Marty, while Melman tries to run.]'' :'''Melman''': ''[squeezes his head out of the train doors]'' Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! ''[head pops out and hits the ceiling sign and destroys a man's drum set while he hits the cymbal]'' :'''Alex''': ''[more people screaming and running away]'' Move aside. We have an emergency here. This is an emergency situation. Hey, hey. Just chill out. It's not that big of an emergency. ''[Nana hits him with her handbag three times]'' Hey! Hey! Would you? Hey! Yaaaagh! Ooh! :'''Nana''': Upstairs, downstairs! ''[kicks Alex's crotch, then sprays in his eyes]'' How do you like that?! Yahh!! :'''Alex''': Lady! What is wrong with you?! ''[Nana hits him twice]'' Ow! Get a grip on yourselves, people! :'''Nana''': You're a bad kitty. :'''Announcer in the Grand Central''': The next train to Connecticut has been… :'''Marty''': ''[angrily, as the train to Connecticut departs]'' Dagnabbit! I missed the express! ''[then calms himself down for another plan]'' Looks like I’m gonna have to take the Stamford local. ''[Suddenly, Alex tackles in victorious]'' Aah! :'''Alex''': I got him! I've got him! :'''Gloria''': He's got him! :'''Melman''': He's got him! He's got him! He's got... Aaagh! :'''Nana''': I got something for you! ''[hits Melman with her bag, not realizing the damage she caused]'' :'''Melman''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[crashes into a clock that reads 12:21 AM]'' I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm OK. :'''Marty''': Whoa! What are you guys doing here? :'''Alex''': Oh! I am so glad we found you. :'''Gloria''': We were so... worried about you. :'''Marty''': Don't worry, I'm fine, I'm fine. Look at me. I'm fine. :'''Alex''': You're fine? Oh, he's fine. Oh! Great. Hey, you hear that? Marty's fine. Ah. That's good to know. 'Cause I was just wondering, uh... ''[now becomes desperate, disappointed, frustrated and grabs Marty by force about the escape from the zoo without permission] <big><big>'''HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US, MARTY?!?! I THOUGHT WE WERE YOUR FRIENDS!!!'''</big></big>'' :'''Marty''': ''[weakly] '''WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?!?!?! I WAS COMING BACK IN THE MORNING!!!''''' :'''Alex''': Don't you ever do this again!! Do you hear me?! :'''Gloria''': Do you hear him?! :'''Melman''': ''[with the clock on his head]'' Guys? We're running out of time! :'''Gloria''': Oh, Melman, you broke their clock?! :'''Alex''': Do you even realize what you've put us through?!?! Don't you ever... do this again!!! ''Don't you ever, ever do this again!!! [Grand Central Station goes dark; the spotlights has turned on as the Police and Firemen are called]'' :'''Gloria''': Don't-- COME HERE! ''[grunting and panting as she tries to remove the broken clock off Melman's head until the police came to stop them while Skipper and his agents are reading a newspaper]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[frustrated before the friends raise their flippers]'' We've been ratted out, boys. :'''Police''': Hold your fire! ''[The police officers, the other federal forces, firefighters, drummer and Nana surrounding Alex and the gang.]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[happily while walking back with his friends]'' Cute and cuddly, boys. Cute and cuddly. :''[Mason and Phil, disguised in a trench coat, have bought tickets, only for many guns to point at them.]'' :'''Mason''': ''[to Phil]'' If you have any poo, fling it now. :''[Cut back to Grand Central Station with the police officers and the other federal forces confront Alex and the gang.]'' :'''Marty''': ''[whispers]'' It's the man. ''[loudly]'' Good evening, officers! :'''Alex''': No. No. Nope. You don't talk now. OK? You're not good with "putting words together and they're coming out good" thing. ''[he let the Marty go]'' You keep it "shh"! ''[turns to the people]'' Hey! How you doing? You know what? Everything's cool. We just, uh, had a little situation here. ''[The Police push an Animal Control, but he's frightened of Alex, so the Police use their shields to block the sacredly man's path]'' Little internal situation. Actually, my friend went a little crazy. Happens to everybody. The city gets to us all. Went a little cuckoo in the head. :'''Marty''': Hey! Don't be calling me cuckoo in the head. :'''Alex''': Just shush! I will handle this. Oh! :'''Nana''': ''[walks up and kicks Alex in between the legs]'' <big><big>'''I GOT HIM!!!'''</big></big> :'''Police Officers''': ''[He run into view and carry Nana away jail]'' Go, go, go! Right here, please. :'''Alex''': Oh! Would you give a guy a break? ''[moaning]'' We’re just gonna take my little friend here home and… Uh, forget this ever happened. All right? No harm, no foul, right? ''[policemen and animal control feel shocked]'' Oh, no, no, no. Hey, it's cool. It's me, Alex the lion. From the zoo. Rrrr! ''[roars, scaring the people]'' Rrrr! What's the matter with them? ''[gets shot in the butt by a purple tranquilizer dart]'' Ow! Ow… ''[Starts to faint]'' Wow! Whoo! I feel really, really weird. Hey! Aw. I love you guys. ''[in slow motion]'' I love you so much... :''[Sammy Davis Jr.'s [[w:The Candy Man|The Candy Man]] starts to play as the screen becomes kaleidoscopic. Suddenly, it becomes black, save for many Martys and Melmans. The camera pans into the centermost Melman, then his pattern becomes the New York skyline as fireworks go off. Suddenly, Gloria, who is Lady Liberty flies off her pedestal like [[Tinker Bell (film)|Tinker Bell]], and to the viewer, leaving a trail of sparkles that originate from her body. She then hits into the camera with her torch like a wand, turning the screen into glass shatter stars that fly to the screen.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''News Reporter''': Last night's dramatic incident in Grand Central is an example of what animal rights wackos have been shouting for years: The animals clearly don't belong in captivity. Now they are to be sent back to their natural habitat, where they will live their lives in the freedom they so clearly desire. :'''Alex''': ''[Groaning, sticks out his hand weakly]'' Hey, little help? :'''Guard''': ''[audience screams and runs away]'' He's awake! '''''HE'S AWAKE!!!!''''' :'''Guard #2''': ''[screams]'' :'''News Reporter''': ''[the Guards shoot more tranquilizer darts with different colors off-screen, the blue one lands in the middle of his hand while the human hits the street lamp, faints and crawls away] '''DO SOMETHING!!!!''''' :'''Alex''': [[Dora the Explorer|Oh, man]]. :''[Alex's Candy Man hallucination plays again, but unfortunately this time, it’s high-pitched and sped up]'' ===Scene 7: The Boat to Kenya=== [[File:Madagascar, lever de soleil sur l'océan indien.4.jpg|thumb|Does anybody feel nauseous?]] :'''Alex''': ''[his eyes glow in the dark; groaning]'' Oh, my head... ''[bumps his head on the top of his crate]'' Oh! Ah! ''[the crate lights has turned on automatically]'' What the…? Wait. ''[searches inside for the crate]'' Where…? What…? I'm in a box! Oh, no. No, no! Not the box. Oh, no, they can't transfer me! NOT ME! ''[panting]'' Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Darkness creeping in. Can't breathe. Can't breathe. Walls closing in around me. ''[whimpering]'' So alone. So alone. :'''Marty''': ''[his eyes open]'' Alex! Alex, are you there? :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': ''[the crate lights have turned on automatically]'' Yeah! Talk to me, buddy. :'''Alex''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, Marty! You're here! :'''Marty''': What's going on? Are you OK? :'''Alex''': This doesn't look good, Marty. :'''Gloria''': ''[her eyes open]'' Alex? ''[the crate lights have turned on automatically]'' Marty, is that you? :'''Marty''': Gloria! :'''Alex''': You're here, too! :'''Marty''': I am loving the sound of your voice! :'''Gloria''': What is going on? :'''Alex''': We're all in crates! ''[Melman opens his eyes]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, no! Wha…? :'''Melman''': ''[the crate lights turn on automatically]'' Oh… sleeping just knocks me out. :'''Gloria''': Melman! :'''Alex''': Melman! :'''Marty''': Is that Melman? :'''Gloria''': Are you OK? :'''Melman''': Yeah. No, I’m fine. ''[yawning]'' I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI. :'''Alex''': Melman, you're not getting an MRI. :'''Melman''': CAT scan? :'''Alex''': No! No CAT scan! It's a transfer. It's a zoo transfer! :'''Melman''': ZOO TRANSFER?! Oh, no! No, no, I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at 5:00. :'''Gloria''': Melman. Melman! Calm down, Melman. Relax. :'''Marty''': Melman. Calm down, Melman. :'''Melman''': There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am ''not'' going HMO! :'''Marty''': Take it easy, Melman. It's going to be okay. We are going to be okizay. :'''Alex''': No, Marty. We're not gonna be "okizay". Now, because of you, we're ruined! :'''Marty''': Because of me? I fail to see how this is my fault. :'''Gloria''': You're kidding, right, Marty? :'''Alex''': You! You ticked off the people. You bit the hand, Marty. You bit the hand! ''[mimicking Marty]'' "I don't know who I am! I don't know who I am. I got to go find myself in the wild!" Oh, please. :'''Marty''': Hey, hey! I did not ask you to come after me, did I? :'''Melman''': He does have a point. :'''Alex''': What?! :'''Melman''': I ''did'' say we should stay at the zoo, but you guys-- ''[fades to outside of the boxes]'' :'''Alex''': Melman, just shut it! You're the one who suggested this whole idea to him in the first place. :'''Gloria''': Alex! Leave Melman out of this, please? :'''Melman''': Thank you, Gloria. Besides, Alex, that's not my fault that we were transferred! :'''Gloria''': Melman, shut it. Does anybody feel nauseous? :'''Melman''': I feel nauseous. :'''Alex''': Melman, you always feel nauseous. :''[Horn blares from the freighter]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Kenya w1 locator.svg|thumb|Hmm... "Ship to Kenya Wildlife Preserve, Africa"!]] :''[The penguins are being transferred; Kowalski is looking for the label on their crate.]'' :'''Skipper''': Progress report. :'''Kowalski''': It's an older code, Skipper. I can't make it out. :''[Skipper notices up the chimps for the crate next to them]'' :'''Skipper''': Hmm... You, higher mammal. :'''Mason''': Hmm? :'''Skipper''': Can you read? :'''Mason''': No. Phil can read, though. Phil! ''[Phil appears; Kowalski gestures towards the label; Phil starts using sign language]'' Hmm... "Ship to Kenya Wildlife Preserve, Africa"! :'''Skipper''': Africa? That ain't gonna fly. Rico! :''[Rico pulled out a paper clip from his mouth, makes a shape that looks like a key and unlocks the crate. The penguins started to attack the guards and infiltrate the captain's deck and knocked him out. They are now in control of the ship as the new crew. Cut to Alex and Marty still arguing inside their crates while fighting.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gloria''': Guys! :'''Alex''': I was the star in the greatest city on Earth! :'''Gloria''': Guys, listen. :'''Alex''': A king! Loved by my people! :'''Gloria''': Okay, look! Let's just be civil. :'''Alex''': And you've ruined everything! :'''Gloria''': Guys, guys! Quit it up there! :'''Marty''': "Loved"? If the people loved you, it's only because they didn't know the real ''you''! :'''Gloria''': Don't make me come up there. I'd get the whooping on both of y'all! :'''Alex''': I thought I knew the real ''you''! Oh, wait, Marty? Your black-and-white stripes? They cancel each other out. OW! You're '''''NOTHING!!!''''' :'''Gloria''': Let's-- Let's just talk about it like adults. You’re so scary! :'''Melman''': Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! :'''Gloria''': Hey! Listen. You're not helping the situation! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': Status! :'''Private''': ''[nervously]'' It's no good, Skipper. I don't know the codes. :'''Skipper''': ''[angrily]'' Don't give me excuses! '''''GIVE ME RESULTS!!!''''' Navigation. ''[Kowalski tries to investigate, but there's nothing]'' All right. Let me think… ''[The Captain mumbles crying for help]'' …and shut him up!! ''[Rico slaps the Captain]'' :'''Private''': ''[Completes the Override code]'' I did it! :'''Skipper''': ''[Alarm blaring]'' Let's get this tin can turned around! :''[As Kowalski turns the wheel, the boat begins to tilt slowly. The crates started to skid across the deck and towards the rail.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Ow! :'''Gloria''': Oh! :'''Melman''': Ah! :''[Alex peeps out and notices Gloria's box sliding towards his]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh! :''[Gloria crashes into Alex, and the rail breaks, causing the four boxes to fall into the sea, with the animals screaming in terror. The currents start to wash them apart.]'' :'''Alex''': Guys? Oh, no. Gloria! Melman! Marty! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty?! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty! No, wait. Come back, Marty! Don't go. ===Scene 8: Arrive on the Beach=== [[File:Beach Fort Dauphin I.jpg|thumb|Marty! <br> Alex!]] :''[Night falls, Alex is asleep and a wave bumps His Crate as he falls into the mysterious Island that has a jungle and Alex feels scared and lonely and tries to call his friends]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? Melman? Gloria? Marty?! Melman?! Gloria?! Marty! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Melman! Gloria! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Hey, anyone! ''[echoes]'' Hello! ''[The next morning, feels weary; exhausted and calling to his friends]'' Marty, Melman, Gloria. Gloria, Melman, Marty. Marty, Gelman, Gloria. Marty, Melman. Morty, Morty, Gelman. Regis. Kelly. ''[Suddenly, hears a voice]'' Matt, Katie, Al. :'''Melman''': Hey! Whoa! Hey! Help! Whoa! Get me out of this thing. Somebody. Hello? Get me out of this thing right now! Hello? Somebody? :''[Alex goes up close and has found Melman]'' :'''Alex''': Melman! :'''Melman''': Alex? Is that you? :'''Alex''': Melman, I got you. Hang on! Hang on. I got you. ''[bumps his head; dig up from the sand]'' Melman! :'''Melman''': Ow… :'''Alex''': I got you, buddy. :'''Melman''': Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! :'''Alex''': Wait a sec, Melman. :'''Melman''': Ow. :'''Alex''': Wait right there. ''[Picks up the branch]'' Aha! :'''Melman''': Alex, what are you doing? :'''Alex''': I'm getting you out of the box. Relax. :'''Melman''': Alex? ''[Gasps]'' :'''Alex''': Giraffe, corner pocket! Here goes nothing! :'''Melman''': Wait, wait, wait! No, come on! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! :'''Alex''': Hold still! :'''Melman''': Wait, Alex! :'''Alex''': Hold still. Hold still. Hold still. :'''Melman''': No, no, come on. Come on! :'''Alex''': Here I come! ''[yelling]'' :'''Melman''': Look! Look! Look! Look! It's Gloria! It's '''''GLORIAAAAA!!''''' Oh, hey, it is Gloria. Oh, my... :'''Alex''': Gloria! ''[Knocking the crate door, but Gloria kicks the door, screaming while flies, Melman screaming and crash, his long crate broke into pieces!]'' Gloria! ''[getting hit by a piece right in the heart from his chest]'' Oh! :'''Gloria''': Alrighty, boys, fun's over. :''[The crab and the two starfishes go back into the ocean]'' :'''Alex''': Gloria! :'''Gloria''': ''[takes off the seaweed]'' Alex! :''[Suddenly, while hugging, Alex and Gloria see Marty riding on dolphins to surf]'' :'''Marty''': Whoa! ''[Hawaiian Five-O playing]'' :'''Gloria''': Marty?! :'''Alex''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Yeah! All right! That's right! Whoo! Left! Left! Left. No, no, no, no, no, your left! Your left! Your left! Woohoo! Right here's good. You know, I don't really have anything on me right now. I'll have to get you later. ''[Dolphins chattering of saying goodbye]'' Ah-eheheheheh--to you too. :'''Alex''': Marty! Marty! :''["[[w:Chariots of Fire|Chariots of Fire]]" playing]'' :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': ''[slow motion]'' Marty! :'''Marty''': ''[slow motion]'' Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Al! :'''Alex''': ''[firmly]'' Marty! :'''Marty''': ''[confused]'' Alex??? :'''Alex''': ''[angrily] <big><big>'''MARTY!!!!!!!'''</big></big>'' :'''Marty''': ''[Shocked, fleeing away while realizing that Alex is still furious with him for the zoo transfer] <big><big>'''OH, SUGAR HONEY ICED TEA!!!'''</big></big>'' :''[Suddenly, Alex starts making it worse]'' :'''Alex''': ''[normal motion]'' <big><big>'''MARTY!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[normal motion]'' Hey! Hold up! Hold up! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! YOU COME HERE!!! DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': Whoa, wait! Wait, wait! Calm down! Calm down! :'''Gloria''': Marty! :'''Alex''': '''Do you think you can keep running?! I'm going to just kill you more!''' :'''Melman''': Marty! :'''Gloria''': Oh, look at us! We're all here together. Safe and sound. :'''Melman''': Yeah, here we are. Where exactly is "here"? ''[Everyone is surprised as they turn while they see many trees of Madagascar, but Melman knows it's...]'' San Diego. :'''Gloria''': San Diego? :'''Melman''': White sandy beaches, cleverly simulated natural environment, wide-open enclosures. I'm telling you, this could be the San Diego Zoo. Complete with fake rocks. ''[tapping a rock]'' Wow! That looks real. :'''Alex''': San Diego? What could be worse than San Diego? :'''Marty''': I don't know. This place is crackalackin'! Oh, I could hang here. I could hang here. :'''Alex''': ''[angrily; starts chasing Marty]'' <big><big>'''I’M GONNA KILL YOU, MARTY!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' Take it easy! Take it easy! :'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' <big><big>'''I’M GONNA STRANGLE YOU!!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' Calm down! Calm down! :'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' <big><big>'''THEN BURY YOU, THEN DIG YOU UP AND CLONE YOU AND KILL YOUR CLONES!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' 20-second timeout. 20-second timeout. :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''AND THEN I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!!!'''</big></big> :'''Gloria''': ''[grabs Alex]'' <big><big>'''STOP IT!!!'''</big></big> Look. We're just going to find the people, get checked in and have this mess straightened out. :'''Alex''': Oh, great. This is just great. San Diego. Now I'll have to compete with [[w:Shamu|Shamu]] and his smug little grin. I can't top that! Can't top it! I'm ruined! I'm done! I'm out of the business! It's your fault, Marty! You've ruined me! :'''Marty''': Come on, Alex. Do you honestly think I intended all of this to happen? You want me to say that I'm sorry? Is that what you want? OK, I'm... :'''Alex''': Shh! :'''Marty''': He just shushed me. :'''Gloria''': Marty, look. ''[He doesn't want to hear it, right now. So...]'' You've got to be just a little... :'''Alex''': ''[cuts her off]'' Shush! :'''Gloria''': …bit more und-- Don't you shush me! :'''Alex''': ''[trying to listen harder]'' Do you hear that? Don't you hear that? ''[the others realize he's trying to listen to the music as they run into the jungle, while they're hearing the music that has a similar beat to Stayin’ Alive by Bee Gees]'' ===Scene 9: Checking Into the Jungle/I Like To Move It=== :'''Marty''': I hear it now! :'''Gloria''': Where there's music, there's people. :'''Alex''': We’ll go right to the head honcho. :'''Melman''': A sidewalk would be nice. :'''Gloria''': Yeah, what a dump. :'''Alex''': They should call it the San Di-lame-o Zoo. First, they tell you, "Hey! We got this great open plan thing. Let the animals run wild!" Next thing you know, it’s flowers in your hair. Everybody's hugging everybody! :'''Marty''': This place kind of grows on you. This way, guys! Come on! :'''Alex''': ''[gets hit by a branch]'' OW!! Ooh! ''[screams then cries in his hands]'' Aah! ''[his foot hits a rock]'' Oh, oh! AAH!!! ''[his foot pricks a thorn]'' Aah! What the...? ''[jumps through spider webs]'' Oh! Aah! Ew! Ew! ''[sputters as he tries to get the webs off himself then knocks down a tree on himself]'' OH, NO!! '''AAAHH!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gloria, Melman and Marty arrive at the party, they can see dancing shadows from the giant leaves.]'' :'''Gloria''': OK. Let's make a good impression on the people. Smiles, everyone. Let's get it together. Is that the best you can do, Melman? :'''Melman''': Oh, I'm not smiling. It's gas. :'''Gloria''': Okay. Well, great. Let's make gas look good. :''[Gloria opens up the leaves and they see a huge small group of strange furry creatures, who are the lemurs, dancing after [[w:madagascar:The End is Here|the final events]] of [[w:madagascar:All Hail King Julien|All Hail King Julien]]]'' :'''Marty''': Wow! :'''Gloria''': It's not people. It's animals! :'''Melman''': California animals. Dude! :'''Marty''': This is like a Puffy party! :'''King Julien''': ''[singing]'' I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it Ya like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it Ya like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': I like to move it, move it You like to move it, move it She like to move it, move it He like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': All girls all over the world Original King Julien 'pon yer case, man I love how all the girls that love to move their body When ya move your body, ya do Move it nice and sweet and sassy, all right :'''Gloria''': What kind of zoo is this? :'''Melman''': I just saw 26 blatant health code violations. :'''Marty''': I'm loving San Diego. This place is off the chizaine! :'''Melman''': 27! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Julien''': Woman, physically fit, physically fit, physically, physically, physically fit Woman Physically fit, Physically fit... :'''Marty''': We should've brought chips and dip! :'''Gloria''': ''[looking around, realizing they left someone behind]'' Wait. Where's Alex? ''[pulls Marty away]'' What happened to him? He was right behind us. Wasn't he right behind us? :'''Marty''': I don't know where he's at, but he's missing one heck of a party. :'''Lemur''': '''''THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!''' [screaming]'' :''[The lemurs went running to hide and screaming. The fossas enter and surround to see the little lemur named Mort. Who is scared.]'' :'''Fossa''': Fossa hungry. Fossa eat. :'''Alex''': ''[enters]'' Ech! I hate spiderwebs. Yeah. Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks for waiting up. Really appreciate it. ''[Pulls away the leaves to see the Fossa.]'' Hey. Hi. We just got in from New York, and we're looking for a supervisor. Because we've been sitting on that beach there for… hours, and nobody's even bothered to show up. I don't know if things are, uh… Yeah, I don't know how things are normally run around here… ''[Marty, Gloria and Melman froze then in shock they saw a spider crawling on his back. Gloria slowly picked up a stick to whack it.]'' …but obviously, there's been some sort of major screw-up. Which is cool! So if you could just point us towards the administrative offices, we'll just, uh... ''[Before he can finish, he notices the spider crawling on his back]'' :'''Spider''': Well, howdy-do. :'''Alex''': ''[screaming in horror, the fossas surprised, then roaring in slow motion by scary monster the fossas running away] '''SPIDER! SPIDER!! SPIDER ON MY BACK!!!''''' :'''King Julien''': Maurice? Did you see that?! :'''Maurice''': He scared the fossa away. :''[Alex continues screaming in horror as Gloria uses the stick to hit him, but the spider has finally escaped!]'' :'''Melman''': Come on, Gloria. Get him! :'''Spider''': GET IT! GET IT!! GET IT!!! '''GET IT!!!''' :'''Melman''': That's it! Catch it, Gloria! Smack it! Get it, get it! Whip it! Whip it good! Where'd it go? :'''Mort''': King Julien, what are they? '''''WHAT ARE THEY?!?!''''' :'''King Julien''': They are aliens. Savage aliens from the savage future. :'''Maurice''': They've come to kill us. And take our women. And our precious metals. :''[Lemurs gasp. Mort starts sobbing while lands on Julien's feet.]'' :'''King Julien''': Get up, Mort. Do not be near the king's feet, OK? Shh! We're hiding. Be quiet, everyone. Including me. Shh! Who's making that noise? Oh, it's me again. :'''Melman''': There it is! Get it! Come on, Gloria! :'''Alex''': Stop it! Stop it! That's enough! Enough with the stick. :'''Melman''': She got it. I think she got it. I think she got it. :'''Alex''': Is it still on me? Oh, I hate spiders. :'''Gloria''': It's okay. It's gone. :'''Mort''': They are savages. Tonight we die. ''[He grabs Julien's leg]'' :'''King Julien''': The feet. I told you... I told you to... I told every...! Didn't I tell you about the feet. :'''Maurice''': He did tell you about the feet. :'''Mort''': E-he. :'''King Julien''': Wait. I have a plan. :'''Maurice''': Really? :'''King Julien''': I have devised a cunning test to see whether these are savages killers. ===Scene 10: The Locals=== :'''Mort''': ''[After Julien kicks him out from hiding nearby]'' No! OOH! ''[Sees Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman and he gets scared and grabs his tail in fear.]'' :'''Marty''': Hi there. :'''Alex''': ''[cuts off Marty, clears throat]'' You let me handle it. ''[whispers]'' Alex handles it. Marty does nothing. ''[He walks over to a scared Mort and zooms in his face; kindly]'' Hi THEEEERRREEE! ''[Mort looks at Alex's teeth and starts crying]'' Oh, jeez. Oh. Oh, Sorry. :'''Melman''': Oh, Shh! Shh! Shh! Oh, Alex. What did you do? :'''Alex''': No, no, no. Stop. Stop. Shh! It's OK. It's OK. I'm just a silly... just a silly lion. ''[Mort starts screaming, while crying even louder]'' Oh, jeez! :'''Marty''': ''[knowing that Alex just made it worse]'' Aw, Alex. :'''Gloria''': ''[Marty and Melman angrily criticize Alex, but walks to Mort]'' Oh, you poor little baby. Did that big mean lion scare you? :'''Mort''': Mm-hmm. ''[muttering]'' :'''Gloria''': He did? He's a big, bad old puddy tat, isn't he? ''[She picks Mort up]'' Come on. Mama'll hold you. Aww, look at you. :'''Melman''': ''[as Gloria is cuddling Mort]'' They are so cute from a reasonable distance. :'''Gloria''': Aren't you the sweetest little thing. Makes me want to dye it in coffee. :'''King Julien''': ''[watching Gloria cuddle Mort]'' They are just a bunch of pansies. :'''Maurice''': I don't know, Julien. ''[referring to Alex]'' There's something about that guy with the crazy hair-do that... I find suspicious. :'''King Julien''': Nonsense, Maurice! ''[turns to the lemurs]'' Come on, everybody! Let's go and meet the PANSIES! ''[laughing]'' :''[All the lemurs cheering and come out of their hiding places to meet them in celebration.]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:New York Giants logo.svg|thumb|upright|"All hail the New York Giants!"<br>"NEW YORK GIANTS!!!!"]] :'''Maurice''': ''[blowing the shell horn]'' Presenting your royal highness, our illustrious King Julien XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, et cetera, et cetera. Hooray, everybody. :'''Marty''': He's got style. :'''Alex''': What is he, like, king of the guinea pigs? :'''Melman''': I think it's a squirrel. :'''King Julien''': Welcome, giant pansies! Please feel free to bask in my glow! :'''Alex''': Definitely a squirrel. :'''Melman''': Yep, squirrel. :'''King Julien''': We thank you with enormous gratitude for scaring away the Fossa. :'''Gloria''': The whossa? :'''King Julien''': The Fossa. They're always annoying us by trespassing, interrupting our parties, and ripping our limbs off... :'''Alex''': Yeah, sounds great. Look, we're just, uh, we’re just trying to find out where the people are, so if you could, uh-- :'''Maurice''': ''[to Alex]'' Oh my, what big teeth you have. Man! He-hey! :'''King Julien''': ''[he slaps]'' Shame on you, Maurice! Can you not see that you have insulted the freak?! ''[to Alex]'' You must tell me, who the heck are you? :'''Alex''': I'm Alex. The Alex and this is Gloria, Marty, and Melman. :'''Maurice''': And where exactly are you giants from, hmm? :'''Alex''': We're from New York and, uh, we-- :'''King Julien''': ''[makes a "T" with his hands, interrupting Alex, then turns to the crowd of lemurs.]'' All hail the New York Giants! :'''Lemurs''': NEW YORK GIANTS!!!! ''[cheering]'' :'''Alex''': Is there some sort of inbreeding program? ''[to Marty, Melman, and Gloria]'' Well, I say we just got to ask these bozos where the people are. :'''Julien:''' Excuse me? We bozos have the people, of course! :'''Alex''': ''Whoa!'' :'''Melman''': Hey! The bozos have the people! :'''Alex''': Oh, well, great. Good. Phew. Heh. :'''King Julien''': They're up there. ''[points to some human skeletons hanging from parachutes snagged on the branches of a large tree]'' Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch, though. :'''Alex''': Oh, wow. So do you have any live people? :'''King Julien''': Um... No. Uh, only dead ones. :'''Maurice''': Man, if we had a lot of live people, it wouldn't be called "the wild!" Would it? ''[laughs]'' :'''Marty''': The wild? :'''Alex''': Whoa! Whoa, hold up there a second, fuzz... bucket. You mean, like, uh, like the "live-in-a-mud-hut, wipe-yourself-with-a-leaf" type wild? :'''King Julien''': Who wipes? ''[laughing]'' :'''Gloria''': Oy vey. :'''King Julien''': Oy vey! :'''Maurice''': Oy vey, everybody! :'''Lemurs''': OY VEY!!!! :'''Alex''': Could you excuse me for a moment? ''[At sunset, runs back to the shore, crying, while Gloria tries to chase him down.]'' Get me out of here! We got to get out of here!! Help!!! :'''Gloria''': Alex! ''[She catches Alex as he's about to dive into the ocean]'' What are you ''doing''?! :'''Alex''': ''[while Marty is excited]'' I'm swimming back to New York!! I know my chances are slim. But I have to try! :'''Gloria''': You can't swim! :'''Alex''': I said my chances are slim!! :'''Melman''': ''[running in panic with leaves covering him]'' AAAAGHH!!! NATURE!!!! It's all over me! Get it off!! I CAN'T SEE!!! I CAN'T SEE!!!! ''[Gloria steps on vine cord, pulling the leaves off him; happily]'' I can see! ''[now becomes frightened, screams, and buries his head in the sand like an ostrich]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[while holding Alex by his throat]'' Okay, look. There has obviously just been a little mistake. I'm sure the people didn't dump us here on purpose. As soon as they realize what happened, they'll come looking for us, right? :'''Melman''': ''[with head buried; while Marty is singing "Born Free"]'' Yeah, right. :'''Gloria''': You know something? I bet they're already on their way. ''[puts down Alex as he gasps]'' ===Scene 11: Last Will=== :''[Meanwhile, at dusk, the boat sails 2,500 turns into 2,501 miles south to Antarctica by way of the penguins on an important mission.]'' :'''Skipper''': Well, boys? It's gonna be ice-cold sushi for breakfast. ''[he and Private take high five]'' Rico. :''[Rico uses the wine with foam to toast their victory!]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile on Madagascar island...]'' :'''Melman''': Well, since I'm doomed to die on this forsaken island, I, Melman Mankiewicz, being of sound mind and unsound body, have divided my estate equally among the three of you. ''[Right before he could finish his sentence, a wave came in and go rid of it]'' Oh… Sorry, Alex. :'''Marty''': Hey! A latrine. Nice work, Melman. Outdoor plumbing. :'''Alex''': No, it's not a latrine. It's a grave! You sent Melman to his grave. Are you happy? :'''Marty''': Aw, come on. This isn't the end. This is a whole new beginning. This could be the best thing that's ever happened to us. :'''Alex''': No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No! This is not the best thing that's ever happened to us! :'''Melman''': Yeah! You abused the power of the birthday wish and brought this bad luck on all of us. So why'd you tell your wish? You're not supposed to do that. :'''Marty''': Wait a minute. I didn't wanna tell you. Remember? You guys made me tell you. :'''Melman''': Oh, OK. :''[As Marty talks, Alex has grabbed a tree and draw a line over the beach.]'' :'''Marty''': Besides, this isn't bad luck. This is good luck. Look around. There's no fences, no schedules. This place is beautiful. Baby, we were born to be here. :'''Alex''': OK. OK. I've had enough of this. This is your side of the island, and this is our side of the island. That is the bad side, where you can prance and skip around like a magical pixie horse! And do whatever the heck you wanna do all day long. And this, this is the good side of the island for those who love New York and care about going home. :'''Marty''': Come on. :'''Alex''': No, no. Back! Back! Back! Back! :'''Gloria''': You know what? This isn't good. :'''Marty''': OK! You all have your side, and I'll have mine! And if you need me, I'll be over here, on the fun side of the island, having a good old time! A gay old time! A yay old time! A [[The Flintstones (film)|Yabba-dabba-doo]] old time! :'''Alex''': That’s not the fun side, this is the fun side! This is the fun side, where we're gonna have a great time surviving until we go home. Whoo! I love this side. This side's the best. That side stinks! You're on the '''Jersey''' side of this cesspool!! :'''Marty''': [[The Flintstones (film)|WILMA]]!!!!!!!! :'''Melman''': Well, now what do we do? :'''Alex''': Don't worry, Melman. I have a plan to get us rescued. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later at nightfall, Alex builds a statue that looks like the Statue of Liberty from New York]'' :'''Alex''': Can't wait to see the look on Marty's face when he sees this. ''[looks over to see Marty, building a roof]'' Ooh. Just look at him. He's helpless without us. Shut up, Spalding! :''[The camera zooms to a decorated basketball]'' :'''Gloria''': I've been standing here for hours, man. How long do I have to pose like this? :'''Alex''': She is... ''[kissing]'' Finito! I defy any rescue boat within a million miles to miss this baby. When the moment is right, we will ignite the beacon of liberty and be rescued from this awful nightmare! What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? How's the liberty fire goin', Melman? :'''Melman''': Great! Idiot... :'''Alex''': I heard that! :'''Melman''': Ugh. Why can't we just borrow some of Marty's fire? :'''Alex''': That's wildfire! We're not using wildfire on Lady Liberty! Now rub, Melman! :'''Melman''': ''[groans in frustration]'' I've been doing... I can't – i can't – i can't do it! I ju-- I CAN'T DO IT! ''[slams the planks down...and they suddenly ignite]'' Fire! Fire! ''[Alex and Gloria were surprised by this]'' FIRE! FIIIIIIRE!!! ''[laughs, then notices the burning planks are still attached to his hooves]'' Ah. Oh, my... Ow! Ooh, '''FIRE!!''' ''[screaming]'' :'''Alex''': '''NOT YET! NO, NO! NO!''' :'''Melman''': '''FIRE! AAAAHHHHH!!!!''' ''[Sets the statue that Alex made on fire]'' :'''Alex''': No, no! No! Not yet! ''[gasps before landing on his face]'' :'''Gloria''': Melman, hold still! JUMP! Alex, jump! ''[Alex does so]'' Don't worry, cats always land on their-- ''[Alex falls flat on his face after jumping off the burning rescue beacon instead of using his feet to land safely like other cats]'' Face? Man, what kind of cat are you? :'''Alex''': ''[after Melman burned the rescue beacon in panic] [[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|'''YOU MANIAC!! YOU BURNED IT UP! DARN YOU! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!!''']]'' :'''Melman''': ''[callously]'' Can we go to the fun side now? ===Scene 12: The King=== :''[Meanwhile in the jungle, the lemurs have gathered at an old airplane for a meeting.]'' :'''Maurice''': Everybody, calm down. Come on. Into your chairs. Yes. Everybody please, calm down. Let go of his tail. Separate those two, would you, please? You over here, and you over there. Everybody, Shh... Calm down, people, OK? Ugh. Now, presenting your royal highness, the illustrious blah, blah, blah. You know, et cetera, et cetera. Hooray. Let's go. :'''King Julien''': Now, everybody, we all have great curiosity about our guests, the New York giants. Yes, Willie? :'''Willie the lemur''': I like them. :'''Mort''': I like them. I like them! I liked them first! Before I even met them I liked them! :'''King Julien''': Yes, yes. Yes! We get it… :'''Mort''': When I saw them, I liked them right away. You hate them compared to how much I like them… :'''Julien''': Oh, shut up! You're so annoying!! ''[Pauses out of the park and Mort chuckles]'' Now, for as long as we can remember, we have been attacked and eaten by the dreaded fossa. :'''Lemur''': '''''THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA ARE ATTACKING!!''' [screams] '''AAHHH!!''''' :''[Everyone all screamed and panic, the one of the lemurs jumps out the old airplane and the glass breaks apart.]'' :'''Lemur 2''': ''[holds up a book titled "To Serve Lemur"]'' [[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|It's a cookbook! '''''IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!!!''''']] :'''Julien''': All right! Please. Please, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': Shh! Quiet!! Come on, y'all. They're not attacking us this very instant. :''[All lemurs sigh in relief as Julien continues to...]'' :'''King Julien''': So, my genius plan is this: We will make the New York Giants our friends and keep them close. Then, with Mr. Alex protecting us, we will be safe and never have to worry about the dreaded fossa ever again! ''[Everyone all agrees.]'' I thought of that! I thought of that! Yes! Me! I did. :'''Maurice''': Hold on, hold on, everybody. Hold on. I'm just thinking now. I mean, does anyone wonder why the fossa were so scared of Mr. Alex? I mean, ''maybe'' we should be scared too. What if Mr. Alex is even worse than the fossa?! ''[Lemurs gasp in shock]'' I'm telling you, that dude just gives me the heebiedabajeebies! :'''King Julien''': Maurice, you did not raise your hand. Therefore, your heinous comment will be stricken from the record. ''[Chameleon uses the typewriter]'' Does anyone else have the heebie-jeebies? No? Good. So shut up. When the New York giants wake up, we will make sure that they wake up in paradise. ''[Laughing]'' Now, who would like a cookie? :''[All lemurs cheering for a cookie.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[And in the meantime at the beach, Alex makes the sign of "Help!", waiting for the boat that was hijacked by the penguins. And Marty tries to cheer up Alex for an apology]'' :'''Marty''': Yo, Al. Melman and Gloria are over there having a good time. There's room on the fun side for one more. :'''Alex''': No, thanks. :'''Marty''': Look, I've been thinking. Maybe if you gave this place a chance, I don't know, you might even enjoy yourself. :'''Alex''': Marty, I'm tired. I'm hungry. I just want to go home. :'''Marty''': Could you just give it a chance? Think about it. It really isn't the fun side without you. ''[Leaves away from Alex, The P breaks and falls apart, which now says "Hell".]'' ===Scene 13: Marty's Beach House=== :''[Alex comes to Marty's, sign says "No Soliciting"]'' :'''Everyone but Alex''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Melman''': I know. And then... ''[Alex knocks it]'' Shh. Shh. It's him. :'''Marty''': Who is it? :'''Alex''': It's the pizza man. Who the heck do you think it is? :'''Marty''': ''[opens the slot door and sees Alex's eye]'' Yes? Can I help you? :'''Alex''': Can I come to the fun side? :'''Marty''': ''[closes the slot door; opens the door a little bit which is locked]'' Beg your pardon? :'''Alex''': You know, I've been kind of a jerk, Marty. But I've been thinking about what you said, and... I'm sorry. :'''Marty''': ''[Closes the door. But unfortunately prepares to unlock and opens the door!]'' Welcome to Casa del Wild! Take a load off. Hey, hey, wipe your feet. :'''Gloria''': Alex! :'''Marty''': ''[In Spanish]'' Mi casa is su casa. :'''Alex''': Very impressive. :'''Marty''': Hey, have a drink. It's on the house. :'''Alex''': ''[Drinks the water from the coconut shell, but it's seawater instead of potable water and he spits it out! I can't drink this.]'' This is seawater. :'''Marty''': Oh, you don't swallow it. It's just temporary till the plumbing's done. Hey, y'all look hungry. How would you like some of nature's goodness? :'''Gloria''': You have food? :'''Marty''': The Fun Side Special, coming up. Seaweed on a stick. :'''Alex''': Seaweed? :'''Marty''': On a stick. Don't love it till you try it. :'''Melman''': That's unbelievable! :'''Gloria''': Mmm… So good. :'''Marty''': Well, thanks. It does kind of hit the spot, doesn't it? ''[Without roasting it, Alex coughs up seaweed, because he wants steak as a carnivore.]'' Well, maybe it could use a little lemon. :'''Alex''': No, it's great. It's really great. Doesn't get any better than this. :'''Marty''': Oh, but it does. Check this out. :''[He pulls down a lever, opening up the roof to show a view of the stars.]'' :'''Gloria''': Wow! Would you look at that? :'''Alex''': It's like billions and billions of helicopters. :'''Marty''': It's a shooting star. Make a wish. Quick! :'''Alex''': Ooh! How about a thick, juicy steak? :'''Marty''': You know what, Alex? I promise you I'm going to find you a steak tomorrow if it kills me. :'''Alex''': Thanks, Marty. :'''Melman''': ''[yawns]'' It is getting late. I guess I'm gonna... ''[snores]'' :'''Gloria''': I think I'm gonna hit the sack too. Sweet dreams, everyone. :''[Alex dreams of eating steak]'' :'''Marty''': ''[echoes]'' Alex. ''[Alex surprised; accidentally licks Marty as the others are shocked and confused]'' What are you doing? :'''Alex''': 27, 28, 29, 30. Hmm. 30. 30 black and only 29 white. Looks like you're black with white stripes after all. Dilemma solved. Good night. ''[pretends to sleep with his eyes open]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the trees, Julien and Maurice look below at the sleeping Alex with Marty, Melman and Gloria on the beach.]'' :'''King Julien''': You see, Maurice, Mr. Alex was grooming his friend. He is clearly a tender, loving thing. How can you have the heebie-jeebies for Mr. Alex? Look at him. He's so cute and plushy. :'''Maurice''': I don't think he was grooming him, Julien. Look more like he was tasting him to me. :'''King Julien''': Suit yourself, no matter. I don't care. Soon we will put my excellent plan to action. All we have to do is wait until they are deep in their sleep... ''[a long pause] '''HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!''''' :''[Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman thought there are lemurs, but they see nothing. So they have to go to sleep again.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Private''': ''[on finally arriving at Antarctica]'' Well, this sucks. ===Scene 14: Kidnapped/The Warm Welcome=== :''[Cut to black of the next morning]'' :'''King Julien''': Wake up, Mr. Alex. Wake up, Mr. Alex. Rise and shining. Wakey-waking, Mr. Alex! ''[Loudly]'' '''WAKE UP!!!! ALEX!!!!''' ''[Alex muffled gasp]'' You suck your thumb? :'''Alex''': AAH! :'''Everyone but Alex''': AAH!! :'''Everyone''': AAAAHH!!!! :''[Shocked, the zoo animals get up.]'' :'''Alex''': Where are we? What the heck is going on? :'''King Julien''': Take it easy. :'''Alex''': What is this? :'''Melman''': Who built a forest? :'''King Julien''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't be alarmed, giant freaks! While you were asleep, we simply took you to our little corner of heaven. Welcome to Madagascar. :'''Marty''': Madag-who-ah?! :'''Gloria''': What? :'''King Julien''': No, not who-ah, ascar. :''[The zoo animals stare from the open view of Madagascar.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty. It's... :'''Marty''': It's just like my mural back at the zoo. :'''Gloria''': Oh, no, fella, that is the real deal right there. :'''King Julien''': Look at that, that's not a bad view. :'''Alex''': I mean, that's the thing that you were always looking at, but it's actually there. I mean, that's like the real version of your... :'''Marty''': Hey, how about once around the park? Let's get our blood pumping, get those lungs breathing all this fresh air! Who's with me?! :'''Alex''': Ah, naw. I really, I don't think I could... You're it! :'''Marty''': Hey! Want to play around? Ho! Hey! :'''Alex''': Ha-ha! Oof! :'''Marty''': Got you there! Ha-ha! :'''Alex''': Come here! Ha-ha-ha! :'''Marty''': You're it! :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles]'' Hey, hey, hey! :'''Marty''': Hey, stop that! Hey, you’re crazy! :'''Alex''': OK, Marty, I'm it. I'm it. I'm it. You win. ''[Groans in exhaustion]'' :'''Marty''': Come on, Alex, get in the groove. :'''Alex''': I haven't eaten in two days. My blood sugar's real low. I just don't have the energy. :'''Marty''': I don't think that's your problem. First of all, that's not how you run in the wild. Let's go, man. Put the rubber to the road! You just have to let out that inner lion. Now, who's the cat? :'''Alex''': Marty, I really don't... :'''Marty''': You are, that's who. Come on! Here we go! That's it. Now let's build up some steam! :'''Alex''': Alright. :'''Marty''' You the cat. :'''Alex:''' Who's the cat? :'''Marty:''' You the cat. :''[Marty went up ahead whooping as Alex kept repeating "Who's the cat?" over and over again. His eyes lean close to Marty and his eyes changed of being crazy.]'' :'''Alex''': I'M THE CAT!! ''[Zooms against Marty]'' Surprise! :'''Marty''': '''Yahhh!!''' ''[Crashes with Alex]'' :'''Alex''': Hoo! You're it! You're it! Can't juke the cat. Cat's too quick! Whoo! Hoo-ha! Ooh, yeah! Hoo-ha! I feel like a mile-high pastrami on rye on the fly from the deli in the sky! Roww! Let's go wild! :'''Marty''': Now you're talking! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex and Marty are now doing the Tarzan Yell as they enter the wild party.]'' :'''Alex''': Whoo! Man! I feel, ha-ha-ha-ha, different! Noogie, noogie, noogie. Noogie, noogie, noogie! Whoo! Kind of charged up or something. Hoo! :'''Gloria''': Ah, Marty, Marty, Marty! Like you said, baby. :'''Alex''': It's Crack-a-lacking. Ain't that right, Melman? Whoo! :'''Melman''': Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm in heaven. :'''King Julien''': You see, Maurice, Alex is now our friend and the fossas are nowhere to be seen. It could be said that my plan is working in a very good working kind of way. :'''Alex''': Yeah! :'''Marty''': Alex. You got to try some of this. :''[Alex spits the pineapple to King Julien]'' :'''Alex''': I feel good. Feel like a king again! :'''King Julien''': ''[Throws the pineapple to Maurice]'' King? :'''Marty''': Yeah! You should see his act. Come on, Alex. Why don't you show him some of your act? :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles]'' Oh. No, I really don't think I could... OK. ===Scene 15: Alex Confuses Marty for Steak=== :''[Moments later, they have prepared a special ceremony to show Julien that lions are also kings.]'' :'''Marty''': Ladies and gentlemen, primates of all ages. The wild proudly presents: The king! :'''Both''': Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': ''[whispers]'' Ahhhh! :'''Marty''': E♭, fellas. :''[Fanfare playing in E♭]'' :'''Marty''': Yeah! The king is in the house! :'''King Julien''': See, if he is the king, then where is his crown? I've got a crown. Got a very nice one! And it's here on my head! Look at it! Have I got it on? :''[From the rocks, the fossa approached ready to eat the lemurs again, but they are surprised by Alex.]'' :'''Marty''': Do the roar, man! Do the roar! ''[Alex no longer use his normal roar, so instead, he uses the real roar, Marty, Melman, Gloria, King Julien, Maurice, Mort, and The Lemurs gasp in shock. Frightened, the fossas ran away again.]'' Wow. I've never heard that one before. Yeah! Go wild, man! Come on! Break out the wave! ''[Lemurs cheer. But unfortunately, since Alex hasn't eaten for along time, he thought the lemurs look like steaks to him. His claws show up and the camera switches to the lemur wave, but suddenly, screams, and the music stops! Everyone but Marty became shocked, the camera zooms out to show that Alex bit Marty on the butt and Mort happily claps for a short period.]'' Excuse me. You're biting my butt! :'''Alex''': ''[long pauses as his eyes go back to normal; muffled]'' No, I'm not. :'''Marty''': Yes, you are. ''[Alex spits and licks paws in the tongue]'' :'''Gloria''': Alex, what did you do? :'''Marty''': You just bit ''me'' on the butt! :'''Alex''': No, I didn't. Did I? :'''Melman''': You kind of did. :'''Marty''': ''He'' just bit me on the butt! What the heck is wrong with ''you''?! :'''Alex''': ''[stutters]'' I... Oh! Uh... :'''Marty''': Why'd you bite me? :'''Maurice''': ''[coming out of the crowd]'' Man, it's because you are ''his'' dinner. :'''Melman''': What?! :'''Gloria''': Excuse me?! :'''Melman''': That's dumb. :'''King Julien''': Come, come, Maurice. What is a simple bite on the buttocks among friends? ''[shakes his tail at Maurice]'' Here, gimme a nibble. :'''Maurice''': ''[pushes King Julien]'' The party is over, Julien. Your brilliant plan has failed. :'''Marty''': What are you talking about? :'''Maurice''': Your friend here is what we call a deluxe hunting and eating machine, and he eats steak... which is you. :'''Gloria''': Get out of here. :''[Julien thinks for a moment, realizing how selfish he was being and contemplates what Maurice had mentioned about Alex during the last night's meeting on the broken plane as it's so much for everyone not having the heebie jeebies. His uncle was right all along about the rule of helping outsiders to protect the kingdom that it got forbidden.]'' :'''King Julien''': Okey-dokey, Maurice. I admit it. The plan failed. All is lost! We are all doomed! The fossas will come back and gobble us with their mouths, because... we are all steak. :'''Mort''': ''[taking the steak statement as a compliment]'' I'm steak! Me-me-me-me-me-me-me! :'''Maurice''': Mr. Alex cannot stay here. He belongs with his own kind... ''[Alex's eyes dilate again and sees Julien, and turned into steak once again for his hunger]'' On the fossa side of the island. :'''King Julien''': ''[turned into steak]'' By the power vested in me, by the law of the jungle, ''[the lemurs, Mort, Marty, Melman, and Gloria turned into steak]'' blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... '''Be gone!!''' :'''Marty''': What? Come on, do I look like a steak to you? :'''Alex''': ''[seeing Marty as a steak through his vision]'' Yeah! :'''Marty''': See, I told you I don't look like a-- ''[mishears]'' Wait, wait, wh-- Wh-- What'd you say? :'''Alex''': Oh, yeah! ''[growls ferociously as he prepares to attack causing the lemurs and zoo animals to get scared]'' :'''Mort''': ''[the lemurs pretend to three wise monkeys; frightened]'' He's going savage... :'''King Julien''': '''Run for your lives!!''' ''[Everyone screams and runs away. Alex roars wildly, getting ready to devour them all.]'' :'''Gloria''': '''Marty, run!!''' :'''Marty''': '''Yahhh!!''' :''[The Fanfare of [[wikipedia:National Geographic|National Geographic]] plays as Alex is preparing to eat Marty once again, but Maurice throws a coconut to stop Alex and paralyze him to go back to normal!]'' :'''King Julien''': A bullseye! Excellent shot, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': Thank you. [[File:A Zebra running in a lush Ugandan savanna in Lake Mburo National Park 04.jpg|thumb|Marty? I'm so sorry, Marty.]] :''[Alex lifted up his head and Marty in steak form now turns to normal, while running away]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? I'm so sorry, Marty. What is wrong with ''me''?! Ow...! Oh, no. What I've done, It's true, I'm a monster. I gotta get out of here. ''[runs away]'' :''["What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong plays as Alex and his gang are going separate ways with Marty, Melman, and Gloria stop running while Alex running through the jungle gets his claws caught on leaves and then a tree. Alex pulls them out only for him to fall down a hill through jagged rocks, a field of flowers, and finally a cactus patch before landing on his feet with a cactus stuck on his back and falling into a river and screams while plummets down a waterfall. He arrives on the Fossa side of the island walks pass a few Fossas (who looked confused, seeing that Alex wasn’t going to eat them), the scene turns back to Marty, Melman and Gloria walks through the jungle witness how dangerous the wild can be such as a hummingbird flew into the snapdragon flowers only for it to be eaten and burps, while Alex uses his instruments to sharpen pieces of wood. Marty, Melman and Gloria saw a mouse escape from a snake, then gets caught by an eagle, and they spot a duckling as they get it to a lake but it gets eaten by a crocodile much to their shock. Alex sits on a rock in an enclosure resembling his from the zoo feeling sad and guilty. The others walk by the grassy field that Marty and Alex played on earlier while Marty looks long towards storm clouds rolling in, feeling guiltier and the circle of life in Madagascar is now broken.]'' ===Scene 16: The Wild=== :'''Marty''': What have I done? This is a nightmare! And it's all my fault. Now, because of me, we've lost Alex. :'''Melman''': Well, what are we going to do? :'''Gloria''': We'll find a way to help him. That's what we'll do. :'''Melman''': Oh! OK. :'''Gloria''': Come on, we are New Yorkers, right? :'''Marty''': Yeah. :'''Gloria''': We're tough. We're gritty. :'''Marty''': Yeah! :'''Gloria''': We're adaptable! :'''Marty''': Yeah!! :'''Gloria''': And we are not going to lay down like a bunch of Melmans! :'''Melman''': No, we're not. ''[horn blaring]'' Oh. Gloria. :'''Gloria''': That was not me, OK? That was the boat. The boat! :'''Marty''': The boat? The boat's come back for us! Come on, guys, we got to flag it down. :''[Marty, Melman, and Gloria race to the beach where they saw the boat, blaring harder and louder]'' :'''Marty''': There it is! :'''Melman''': Hey, over here! :'''Gloria''': Over here! :'''Marty''': Over here! Over here! Yo! Yo! Yo! :'''Gloria''': Melman, give me a lift. Hurry up! Lift me up! :'''Marty''': Help! Help! Help! :'''Melman''': Oh, my neck. My neck! My neck! You guys! Over here! :'''Gloria''': Over here! Melman! Steady. This way! :'''Marty''': Over here! :'''Melman''': You have no idea how much this hurts. :'''Marty''': Hey, boat! We're over here! ''[the three zoo animals are thuds]'' :'''Gloria''': Look! It's turning! It's coming back! IT'S COMING BACK! IT'S COMING BACK!! :'''Melman''': Yes! This way! Come on! Come on, baby! WHOO!! Yes, you guys! :'''Marty''': You guys flag down that boat. I’ll go get Alex. :'''Gloria''': ''[stopping Marty]'' Whoa! Hold on there. You cannot go back there by yourself. :'''Marty''': Aw, come on. I know Alex. He hears we're rescued, he'll snap right out of it. :'''Melman''': The people are coming. They can help us. :'''Gloria''': Melman's right. The people will know what to do. Now, come on. We got to flag down that boat. :''[The boat already approaches near the beach with a horn blaring to knockback the trees! And finally, the anchor crashes the sand as the penguins land on the beach.]'' :'''Skipper''': Now, this is more like it. :'''Gloria''': You?! Oh, ma-- Where are the people?! :'''Skipper''': We killed them and ate their livers. ''[Gloria looks horrified]'' Gotcha, didn't I? Just kidding, doll, the people are fine. They're on a slow boat to China. Hey! I know you two. Where's that psychotic lion, and our monochromatic friend? :'''Melman''': ''[he and Gloria looks back to see Marty missing]'' Marty? He's ri... Where'd he go? I thought he was right behind us. :'''Gloria''': ''[groans in frustration]'' He went back for Alex. ''He's'' gonna get himself killed! :'''Skipper''': Well, boys, our monochromatic friend's in danger. Looks like we have a job to do. ''[Private brings out a notebook and a red crayon]'' Captain's log: Embarking into hostile environment. Kowalski, we'll need to win the hearts and the minds of the natives. Rico, we'll need special tactical equipment. We're going to face extreme peril. Private probably won't survive. ''[a red crayon snaps, Private looks horrified]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Alex! Come out, Alex! The boat's here! We can go home! :''[The fossa see Marty, as if they are going to eat him; The dream appears many kid steaks that Alex wants them and his claws show up]'' :'''Kids''': ''[chanting]'' Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! :''[Alex eyes change like he's going to go crazy again, fearing that he will continue injuring his friends, retreats to foosa territory in isolation. Marty searches for him, excited]'' :'''Marty''': Alex! Alex. :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': Snap out of it, Alex. The boat came back. We can get out of here. We can go back to civilization, and everything will be just like it used to be. :'''Alex''': Stay back. Please. I'm a monster. :'''Marty''': Alex, you're no monster. You're my friend. We're a team. You and me, remember? :''[Alex tried to attack Marty, but the zebra scuttled back away from the crazed lion.]'' :'''Alex''': I don't want to hurt you. :'''Marty''': Alex. I ain't leaving without you. Alex? I'm thinking of a song. It's a wonderful song. I'm sure you're familiar with it. ''♪Start spreadin' the news. I'm leaving today. We are a great big part of it!♪'' Come on, you know the words. Two little words. Please don't make me sing this by myself. ''[go back to Alex's normal eyes again]'' You really don't want to hear me sing this by myself. ''[The fossa appeared from above the rocks]'' Uh, Alex? Could you come out here for a minute? Hey, Alex, a l-l-little help? '''''AAH!!! HELP ME!!! ALEX!! HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!''''' :'''Alex''': ''[a look of determination appears on face and eyes changed of being crazy yet again]'' ===Scene 17: The Fossas=== :''[Marty runs for his life as the fossa chase after him.]'' :'''Marty''': Help me!! Anybody, help me!! Somebody!! ''[a few fossa are on top of Marty, sprinkling salt on his rear]'' Ah! '''''HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!''''' :''[As the Fossa make a dog pile to eat Marty, Melman is swinging on a vine while doing a Tarzan Yell to save Marty.]'' :'''Marty''': Melman? :'''Melman''': That's right, baby. ''[Both crash into the rock]'' :'''Gloria''': '''''RUN!''''' :'''Marty''': What's the plan? :'''Gloria''': This is the plan! :'''Fossa''': Foosa hungry. Foosa eat. :'''Marty''': This is the plan?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': Foosa halt! :'''The Fossas''': Huh? ''[amazed by a flare Skipper has fired]'' Ooh. Foosa aaahh. Foosa ooh. Foosa aaahh. :'''Private''': Come and get it! :'''Fossa''': Foosa-Huh? :'''Gloria''': Take that! :'''Fossa''': Foosa ow! :'''Private''': There's too many of them, Skipper! :'''Skipper''': It's been a real pleasure serving with you, boys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Just then, they hear Alex roaring, preparing to trick the Fossa]'' :'''Marty''': Alex? ''[hits the Fossa's face]'' :'''Alex''': That's my kill! Mine. Alex hungry. Alex eat. ''[Unleashes his claws]'' Psst! ''[whispering]'' It's showtime. Thanks for not giving up on me, Marty. :'''Marty''': Man, you almost gave me a heart attack. You can't just come up here and sneak up on me. Just because you're a lion... ''[Muffled]'' Let go of me. Let go of me! :'''Alex''': Shh! We're getting out of here. Guys, just go with me on this. Like I said, it's showtime. Rrr! Mine! My kill! Rrahh! They're all mine!! ''[Roars as his gang start to scream]'' :'''Gloria''': <big><big>'''AAH!!! IT'S THE KING OF THE BEASTS!!!'''</big></big> Oh, no!! ''[screams]'' :'''Marty''': Don't eat me, Mr. Lion! :'''Melman''': He's scary! :'''Alex''': Fear me!! Savagery beyond comprehension! :'''Marty''': I am far too young to die! :'''Melman''': You're a monster! A monster, I say!! :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''''AND, YOU!!!'''''</big></big> :'''Fossa''': Me?! :''[Alex roars at the fossas as he and his friends defeat the fossas]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, you want some of this? ''[Grunts]'' You better run for your lives! :'''Marty''': Somebody call a cop! :'''Melman''': ''[hits the Fossa with his head like a golf]'' He's psychotic!!! :'''Alex''': ''[to the Fossas]'' This is '''''my''''' territory!!! '''Understand?!''' I ''never'', ''ever'' want to see ''you'' on my turf again!!! ''[with all his might, the beast roars at the fossa, causing them to be scared and run away]'' Boo. ''[The last fossa runs off with the rest of the pack]'' :'''Gloria''': Woo-hoo! :'''Marty''': Yeah! You the cat! :'''Gloria''': Got my boy back! :'''King Julien''': ''[Laughing triumphantly]'' I did it! Give me some love! The plan worked! The plan worked! I'm very clever! I'm the one, baby! Come on. Time to robot! ''[robot talking]'' I am very clever king. I am super genius. I am robot king of the monkey things. Compute, compute. :'''Alex''': So, what's for lunch? :''[Everyone but Alex is surprised, realizing that they haven’t eaten lunch yet. Cut to the island with Skipper and his penguins preparing a special meal.]'' ===Scene 18: A Special Snack for Alex=== :'''Skipper''': Close those eyes. :'''Alex''': Why do I have to close my eyes? :'''Skipper''': Do it. :'''Alex''': Yeah. They're closed. :'''Skipper''': Tighter. :'''Alex''': Yes, sir. :'''Skipper''': No peeking. :'''Alex''': Alright. They're closed. :'''Skipper''': Rico. :'''Rico''': ''[takes the fish; Does a karate chop with two knives; carves; slaps the bottom of the fish turns into 12 sushi fish and drops]'' Hai. ''[the tail drops on his head; the knife takes a sushi fish]'' :'''Skipper''': Open that hatch. :'''Alex''': Aah… :'''Skipper''': ''[the sushi fish puts inside Alex's mouth]'' Fire in the hole. ''[closes the Alex's mouth and chews]'' Now chew. Chew like you mean it! Savor it. :'''Alex''': Mmm… Mmm. :'''Marty''': And? :'''Gloria''': Well? :'''Melman''': Pretty good, right? :'''King Julien''': There's always Plan B. ''[Mort laughs]'' :'''Alex''': Mmm… Mmm. This is better than steak. I love it! I love it! :'''Skipper''': The kitty loves the fishy. ''[Kowalski and Private got a high-5 as everyone cheers]'' :'''Marty''': Well, I propose a toast. Now, he may be a pain in the butt at times... And trust me, I know. But this cat proved to me without a doubt that his heart is bigger than his stomach. To Alex. :'''Everyone''': To Alex! :''[Everyone spits out their seawater after drinking it]'' :'''King Julien''': Enough! Stop it! :'''Marty''': Well, what do you guys think? Should we head back to New York? :'''Alex''': I don't know, Marty. I mean, this is your dream. You sure you want to leave? :'''Marty''': I don't care where we are. As long as we're together, it doesn't matter to me. :'''Alex''': Well, in that case... ''[turns to Rico]'' Yo. Rico. I'll take 300 orders to go! :'''Rico''': Hai. :'''King Julien''': Yes, yes. But before you leave, I have an announcement to make. So shut up, everyone, please. Thank you. After much deep and profound brain things inside my head, I have decided to thank you for bringing peace to our home. ''[presents Alex with his crown]'' And to make you feel good, I'm gonna give you this lovely parting gift. :'''Alex''': Oh, no, really. I can't take your crown. :'''King Julien''': That's OK, I've got a bigger crown! It's got a gecko on it! Look at him shake! Go, Stevie, go! ===Scene 19: The Boat=== :'''Alex''': ''[waving to the lemurs]'' Bye, little fuzz buckets! :'''Gloria''': Thanks for everything! :'''Marty''': Bye! :'''Alex''': So long! :'''King Julien''': Okay, bye-bye, now. :'''Marty''': Arrivederci. :'''King Julien''': Bye-bye. :'''Maurice''': Toodle-oo! :'''Mort''': Bye! Goodbye! :'''King Julien''': See you later, crocodile. Maurice, my arm is tired. Wave it for me. Faster, you naughty little monkey! :'''Alex''': You know, by the time we get to New York, it’s gonna be the middle of winter. So I was just thinking, why rush? Maybe we could make a few side stops along the way? :'''Marty''': Maybe Paris. :'''Gloria''': Ooh! You just read my mind. :'''Alex''': I was thinking Spain. :'''Marty''': Yeah. Run with the bulls. :'''Gloria''': What about Fiji? :'''Melman''': Ooh! Canada. Can we? Cheap meds. Eh? Tsk, tsk. :'''Alex''': You know, I wouldn't even mind coming back here sometime. :'''Melman''': Yeah, I could do that. :'''Gloria''': You could say that again. I always wanted to go to Australia. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Private''': Skipper! Don't you think we should tell them that the boat's out of gas? :'''Skipper''': Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. ''[they wave at them, then cuts to the credits.]'' ===Scene 20: End Credits=== :''[In the post-credits scene, “I Like To Move It Move It” with every character dancing; The Gloria statue from Alex's Candy man dream shows up, but the sparkle is red & the glass stars are red too, ending the movie. The DWA 2004-2010 logo is shown, then cuts to black]'' == Taglines == * Someone's got a zoo loose. * They were not born in the wild. They were shipped there. * "Kitty misses the city." (Alex tagline) * "Black, white, and out of sight." (Marty tagline) * "On vacation without medication." (Melman tagline) * "Ton on the run." (Gloria tagline) * "They're cute. They're cuddly. They're deranged." (Lemurs tagline) * "It's all some kind of whacked out conspiracy." (Skipper tagline) == Cast == * [[w:Ben Stiller|Ben Stiller]] — Alex * [[w:Chris Rock|Chris Rock]] — Marty * [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]] — Melman * [[w:Jada Pinkett Smith|Jada Pinkett Smith]] — Gloria * [[w:Tom McGrath|Tom McGrath]] — Skipper * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] — Kowalski * [[w:Christopher Knights|Chris Knights]] — Private * [[w:Jeffrey Katzenberg|Jeffrey Katzenberg]] — Rico * [[w:Sacha Baron Cohen|Sacha Baron Cohen]] — King Julien * [[w:Cedric the Entertainer|Cedric the Entertainer]] — Maurice * [[w:Andy Richter|Andy Richter]] — Mort * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — Mason * [[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]] — Nana == See also == * [[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa|''Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa'']] * [[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted|''Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted'']] * [[The Penguins of Madagascar]] ** [[Penguins of Madagascar|''Penguins of Madagascar'' (film)]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0351283|title=Madagascar}} {{Madagascar}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2005 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2005 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Madagascar]] [[Category:Animated films set in New York City]] [[Category:Animated films set in Madagascar]] [[Category:Films directed by Eric Darnell]] [[Category:Animated films about lions]] [[Category:Animated films about penguins]] [[Category:Animated films about zebras]] [[Category:Animated films about giraffes]] [[Category:Animated films about hippopotamuses]] [[Category:Animated films about talking animals]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] o0ixssgiu1d0kndjb5hifypv3zd4h6q 3944723 3944710 2026-05-24T04:30:09Z Apparition11 55214 Reverted 1 edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal) 3944723 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup}} {{italic title}} [[File:Madagascar logo.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 animated film]] about four [[w:Central Park Zoo|Central Park Zoo]] animals who have spent their lives in blissful captivity and are unexpectedly shipped back to Africa, becoming shipwrecked on the island of [[w:Madagascar|Madagascar]]. It was followed by ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' and ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'', as well as a spin-off focused on the penguins, ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]''. :''Directed by [[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]] and [[w:Tom McGrath (animator)|Tom McGrath]]. Written by [[w:Mark Burton (writer)|Mark Burton]], [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]], Eric Darnell, and Tom McGrath.'' {{center|'''Someone's got a zoo loose.'''<small>[[#Taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} ==Dialogue== ===Scene 1: Opening Credits/Marty's Dream=== :''[In the beginning, the island of Madagascar appears in a daydream. A zebra yells like Tarzan and jumps out the vine after swinging it. The choir penguins in their black bowties singing [[Born Free]] by John Barry and they fly. He runs and jumps to the water in slow motion. A lion appears, sneaking towards the zebra as almost in the middle of a dream, he jumps up snapping him out of his dream, and the music stops.]'' :''[first lines]'' :'''Alex''': Surprise! :'''Marty''': ''[screams, falls from treadmill and crashes into a fence]'' Alex! Do not interrupt me when I'm daydreaming! When a zebra's in the zone, leave him alone. :'''Alex''': Come on, Marty. Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday! :'''Marty''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, man. Thanks! :'''Alex''': ''[expresses pain on the right side of his jaw]'' Oh! Ah! Oh! Hey, um... I got s – I got something stuck in my teeth. It's driving me crazy! Can you help me out here? Please? :'''Marty''': Ah! You came to the right place, my friend. Doctor Marty, D.D.S., is in the house! Please hop on top of my sterilized examination table, if you may. ''[Alex opens the mouth, but can't see anything, because it's dark]'' I don't see anything. :'''Alex''': ''[muffled]'' It's on the left. :'''Marty''': Ow! :'''Alex''': ''[muffled]'' Oh, sorry. :'''Marty''': OK, just don't talk with your mouth full. ''[Alex nods]'' Aha! Right here. What the heck is this doing in there? :'''Alex''': Happy birthday! :'''Marty''': Aww! Hey, thanks, man! You put it in behind the tooth. You all right. :'''Alex''': These aren't even on the shelf yet. Here! Check it out. Check it out! Look at that. Ooh! Look at that! Ooh! :'''Marty''': Look at that. It's snowing. :'''Alex''': 10 years old, huh? A decade. Double digits. The big 1-O! You don't like it? :'''Marty''': No, no, it's great! :'''Alex''': You hate it. Ugh! I should've gotten you the Alex alarm clock. That's the one. That's the big seller. :'''Marty''': No, no! No. The present's great, really. It's just that another year's come and gone, and I'm still doing the same old thing. ''[imitating]'' "Stand over here, trot over there. Eat some grass. Walk back over here." :'''Alex''': I see your problem. :'''Marty''': Maybe I should go to law school. :'''Alex''': You just need to break out of that boring routine. :'''Marty''': How? :'''Alex''': Throw out the old act. Get out there! Who knows what you're gonna do? Make it up as you go along. Ad lib, improvise, on the fly. Boom, boom, boom! :'''Marty''': Really? :'''Alex''': You know, make it fresh. :'''Marty''': Fresh, huh? OK. I could do fresh. :'''Alex''': Works for me. :''[Earth, Wind and Fire's Boogie Wonderland plays as the statue monkeys ring the bell at the front of the zoo ring at the zoo's opening hour. The People are coming! Alex bursts with excitement about them.]'' :'''Alex''': Here come the people, Marty! Oh, I love the people! It's fun people fun time! Whoo! ''[Hops into Gloria the Hippo's habitat and tap dances on her butt]'' Let's go, Gloria! Up and at 'em! We're open! :'''Gloria''': ''[yawning]'' What day is it? :'''Alex''': It's Friday! Field trip day! Dadadadada! Boom! Let’s go! Come on! :'''Gloria''': Yes, it's field trip day. Let's get up and go... ''[falls asleep again]'' in 10 more minutes. :''[ricocheting off a lamppost, Alex arrives at the roof of Melman's pen. Melman is a timid giraffe with constant health problems, or so he thinks]'' :'''Alex''': Come on! ''[sings in Conga style]'' Melman, Melman, Melman! Melman, Melman, Melman! Wake up! Rise and shine! It's another fabulous morning in the Big Apple. Let's go! :'''Melman''': ''[scoffs]'' Not for me. I'm calling in sick. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Melman''': I found a brow-- Another brown spot on my shoulder. Right here. See? Right th-- Right there. You see? :'''Alex''': Melman, you know it's all in your head. Hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kids and adults burst through the zoo gates eager to view the animals and Alex.]'' :'''Kid''': Let's go! Come on! :''[As rushed parents threw away their coffee cups in the trash, Mason the chimp yawns, retrieves a newspaper, a half-empty coffee cup, and a bagel and returns to his roommate Phil, a mute chimp who doesn't speak.]'' :'''Mason''': Phil! Wake up, you filthy monkey. ''[Mason gives Phil his coffee while he reads the newspaper and eats his bagel. Meanwhile, Marty prepares to give his audience something special for his birthday.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Oh, I'm going to be fresh. Straight out the ground. Tasty fresh! Freshalicious. ''[sips some water and spits it out]'' [[wikipedia:Ziploc|Ziploc]] fresh. :''[an eager crowd awaits outside Alex's rock as they wait for their king to emerge]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, the Central Park Zoo proudly presents: :'''Kids''': ''[chanting]'' Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! :''[backstage Alex prepares himself for another day of people pleasing]'' :'''Alex''': Oh! Show them the cat! Who's the cat? Whoo! :'''Announcer''': The king of New York City. :'''Both''': Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': ''[whispers]'' Ahhhh! :'''Marty''': It's showtime! ''[simultaneously as Alex emerges and turns on the fan blowing his mane]'' :''[Alex emerges on his rock and lets out his signature roar.]'' :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[Crowds go wild! This is what he lived for! The cameraman takes pictures of him. Meanwhile, folks gather around Marty's pen to see his act.]'' :'''Marty''': Gather around, people. Big show about to start. Check out the zebra taking care of biz. That's right. :''[sucking up some water, Marty performs impossibly impressive water tricks with his mouth then sprays at 3 adults.]'' :'''Children''': Yay!!!!! :''[This amazes the kids and attracts photographers to take pictures of him. A series of pictures show Gloria swimming tricks and Melman's MRI and medication treatments.]'' ===Scene 2: The Penguins=== :''[On another side of the zoo, the four penguin brothers who are also agents, Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private are plotting something of their mission...]'' :'''Skipper''': Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. Kowalski, progress report! :''[Kowalski, the brains of the group, emerges from a hole dug out previously by the penguins]'' :'''Kowalski''': We're only 500 feet from the main sewer line. :'''Skipper''': And the bad news? :'''Kowalski''': We've broken our last shovel. ''[shows a broken spoon]'' :'''Skipper''': Right... ''[turns to his weapon specialist Rico]'' Rico, you're on litter patrol. We need shovels, and find more Popsicle sticks. We don't want to risk another cave-in. ''[Rico jumps in the pool]'' :''[Private, the youngest of the group, perks up]'' :'''Private''': And me, Skipper? :'''Skipper''': I want you to look cute and cuddly, Private. Today we're gonna blow this dump. :'''Woman''': Come here. Come here. Come on, penguin. :''[Rico snatches a plastic spoon from a boy eating his frozen yogurt. Marty, meanwhile at sunset, impresses his last fans by making fart noises with his arm pits.]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:City of stone - Flickr - Stiller Beobachter.jpg|thumb|"What continent is this?" <br> "[[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]]".]] [[File:Bronx Zoo Little Blue Penguin Habitat.jpg|thumb|Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].]] :'''Marty''': Yeah! You don't see that on Animal Planet! Ha-ha. ''[mesmerized kids are hauled away by disgusted and confused parents]'' Well, show's over, folks. Thanks for coming. I hope you thought it was FRESH! I'll be here all week. In fact, I'll be here for my whole life. 365 days a year, including Christmas, Hanukkah, Halloween, Kwanzaa. Please don't forget to never spay or neuter your pets. ''[throws; after sips on his beverage]'' And tip your cabbie, because he's broke. :''[A quartet of penguins dig up to the section of a zebra named Marty. One penguin, seemingly the leader, talks to him]'' :'''Skipper''': You, quadruped! ''[In German]'' Sprechen sie Englisch? :'''Marty''': I sprechen. :'''Skipper''': What continent is this? :'''Marty''': [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]]. :'''Skipper''': Hoover Dam! We're still in New York. ''[the penguins down the hole]'' Abort! Dive! Dive! Dive! :'''Marty''': Hey, hey! You in the tux! Wait a minute! ''[the penguins up the hole]'' What are you guys doing? :'''Private''': We're digging to Antarctica. ''[Skipper slaps him]'' :'''Marty''': Ant-''who''-tica? :'''Skipper''': Can you keep a secret, my monochromatic friend? ''[Marty looks around before nodding]'' Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? ''[Marty shakes his head "no"]'' Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]]. To the wild! ''[the four high five each other as Skipper slaps Private again.]'' :'''Marty''': The wild? You could actually go there? That sounds great. ''[before he can thank them, the four have already gone down the hole]'' Hey, hold up! Where is this place?! ''[Muffled]'' Tell me where it is! ''[Skipper alone emerges from the hole pushing his face]'' :'''Skipper''': You didn't see anything... Right? :'''Marty''': Yes, sir! Oh! Uh, I'm sorry. No, sir. ''[Skipper dives back into the hole and seals the hole entrance with Marty's cup]'' :'''Announcer''': For his final appearance of the day, the king of New York City. Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[And the bells are ringing, because it's time to go home and close the Zoo.]'' :'''Alex''': Thank you. Thank you very much. You guys are great. You're a great crowd. Give yourselves a hand, huh? Thank you. ''[underpants flies in his face]'' Oh. Thank you. Oh! Well. Thank you. Oh, that's too kind. Too kind. ''[sling shoots the I Heart (Love) NY undies by accident, which land on Melman's nose]'' :'''Melman''': Ah! Underpants!!! :'''Alex''': ''[humans leave the zoo]'' Everybody get home safe. Hey! Check out my Website. 24 hour Alex Cam. Watch me sleep. ===Scene 3: Marty's 10th birthday begins=== [[File:Busy Grand Central Station in the Afternoon.jpg|thumb|Yeah. What you got to do is, you got to go over to Grand Central. Then you got to take the Metro-North train... north?]] :''[Dusk hits the zoo while closing, and the staff roams the zoo with a band of chefs and groomers to relax the exhausted animals of their hard work. Marty gets his hooves polished like shoes and receives a fresh patch of green grass from the chef as a birthday meal.]'' :'''Gloria''': This is the life. ''[Gloria receives a wide variety of fruit for her meal while drying in a big towel and polish nails for a massage.]'' :'''Melman''': ''[Melman is still getting medical treatment]'' That's the spot. ''[a chef reveals a tray full of medications and vitamins to make him feel better]'' Oh! I'm in heaven. :''[Alex seems to get the most treatment out of all the animals and receives mane grooming, nail trimming, and a full pack of steak meal which he devours in a number of seconds leaving a bone. And later that night, the four friends gather through a small party to celebrate Marty's 10th birthday]'' :'''Gloria''': Ooh, it's Marty's birthday! :'''Alex''': Just rip it open. Come on! :'''Marty''': What is it? What is it? :'''Gloria''': Come on. Open it up. What you get? What you get? What you get? :'''Marty''': Yeah! A thermometer. Thanks. I love it, Melman. I love it. ''[puts it in his mouth with style]'' :'''Melman''': Yeah, I wanted to give you something personal. You know, that was my first rectal thermometer. :'''Marty''': Mother–! ''[Marty proceeds to gag at the thought and spits out the thermometer while licking his tongue]'' :'''Melman''': I'm gonna miss that bad boy. :'''Alex''': Okay. Get the cake. Melman, come on. ''[Melman blows the party noisemaker]'' :'''Everyone but Marty''': ''[humming, in barber shop quartet-style]'' :'''Alex''': Happy :'''Gloria''': birth- :'''Melman''': day :'''Alex''': to :'''Gloria''': you. :'''Alex''': You :'''Melman''': live :'''Gloria''': in :'''Alex''': a zoo. :'''Gloria''': You :'''Melman''': look :'''Alex''': like a :'''Melman''': mon- :'''Alex''': key. :'''Melman''': ''[holds long note]'' Aaaaand :'''Alex''': you smell :'''Gloria''': like   :'''Melman''': one :'''Everyone''': too! ''[laughs]'' :'''Mason''': ''[He spits holding tea cup]'' I say! ''[Phil smells his armpits and faints]'' :'''Marty''': Aw, well, now, you guys are just embarrassing me. And yourselves. :'''Alex''': What are you talking about? We worked on that all week. :'''Gloria''': Let's go. Let's make a wish, baby-cakes. ''[Marty blows out the candle shaped like a 10 then takes a delicious bite of the cake]'' :'''Alex''': Come on. What'd you wish for? :'''Marty''': Nope. Can't tell you that. :'''Alex''': Come on. Tell. :'''Marty''': No, siree. I'm telling you, it's bad luck. You want some bad luck, I'll blab it out. But if you want to be safe, I'll keep my mouth shut. :'''Gloria''': Oh, for crying out loud, Marty. Would you just tell us? I mean, really. What could happen? :'''Marty''': OK. I wished... I could go... <big>'''''TO THE WILD!!!'''''</big> :'''Alex''': The wild?! ''Whoa!! [falls over]'' :''[Melman swallows the noisemaker and chokes, Gloria shocks, Alex thuds and drops his steak]'' :'''Marty''': I told you it was bad luck. :''[Then Gloria tries to get the noisemaker out of Melman's throat]'' :'''Alex''': The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst idea I've ever heard. :'''Melman''': ''[coughs]'' It's unsanitary. :'''Marty''': The penguins are going. So why can't I? :'''Alex''': The penguins are psychotic. :'''Marty''': Come on. Just imagine going back to nature. Back to your roots, clean air, wide open spaces! :'''Gloria''': Well, I hear they have wide-open spaces in Connecticut. :'''Marty''': Connecticut? :'''Melman''': Yeah. What you got to do is, you got to go over to Grand Central. Then you got to take the Metro-North train... north? :'''Marty''': So one could take the train? Just hypothetically. :'''Alex''': Marty, come on. What would Connecticut have to offer us? :'''Melman''': Lyme disease. :'''Alex''': Thank you, Melman. :'''Marty''': No, no, really! Really, I just want... :'''Alex''': This is a highly refined type of food thing that you do not find in the wild. :'''Marty''': You ever thought there might be more to life than steak, Alex? :'''Alex''': ''[stares at his steak]'' He didn't mean that, baby. No-no-no. :'''Marty''': Doesn't it bother you guys that you don't know anything about life outside this zoo? :'''Melman''': Nuh-uh. Nope. :'''Gloria''': Mm-mm. :'''Alex''': Well, I mean, come on. That's just one subject. You got a little, uh, schmutz right there on your... ''[eats his steak]'' :'''Marty''': ''[Sighs and uses a napkin to clean his mouth]'' Thanks, guys. Thanks for the party. It was great. Really. ''[Alex spits a bone and drops it as Marty uses the treadmill]'' :'''Melman''': What's eating him? :'''Gloria''': ''[whispered]'' Maybe you should talk to him, Alex. You know, go over there and give him a little pep talk. :'''Alex''': Hey, I already gave him a snow globe. I can't top that. :'''Gloria''': ''[sighs]'' Alex… :'''Melman''': I can see where this is going. ''[yawns]'' It is getting late. I guess I'm gonna... ''[snores]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[whispered]'' Come on. He's your best friend. :'''Alex''': All right, all right. OK. :'''Gloria''': Night, Marty. :'''Marty''': Night, Glo. :''[Gloria backflips into her pool. Alex takes out an umbrella to avoid the chlorine]'' ===Scene 4: The Talk of the Wild/Marty's Gone=== [[File:Task Force Guardian - Flickr - The National Guard (1).jpg|thumb|"Even the star's out. Not going to find a star like that in the wild."<br>"Helicopter."]] :'''Alex''': Ahhh… what a day. I mean, just really, really I mean I tell you, it just doesn't get any better than this, you know? ''[short pause, Alex sees a star]'' Ooh! It just did. Even the star's out. Not going to find a star like that in the wild. :'''Marty''': Helicopter. ''[A star, which turns out to be a helicopter, flies away.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty. Buddy. Listen. Everybody has days when they think the grass might be greener somewhere else. :'''Marty''': Alex. Look at me. I'm 10 years old. My life is half over. And I don't even know if I'm black with white stripes... or white with black stripes. :'''Alex''': Marty. I'm thinking of a song. :'''Marty''': Alex. Please. Not now. :'''Alex''': Oh, yes. It's a wonderful song. I think you're familiar with it. ♪ Da da da da da! Da da da da da! Da da da da da! Da! ♪ :'''Marty''': Oh, no. Oh, no, you don't. No, no, no. I'm not listening! Lalalalalalalalalalala! :'''Alex''': ♪ Start spreadin' the news ♪ :'''Marty''': I don't know you! :'''Alex''': ♪ I'm leaving today! We are a great big part of it ♪ :'''Marty''': ''[laughs]'' He's funny. Who is that? :'''Alex''': Come on. You know you know the words. Two little words. :'''Marty''': New York. :'''Both''': ♪ New York! ♪ :'''Bird''': Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Hey, I'm sleeping here! We're not all nocturnal, you know!! :'''Marty''': Hey, I'll knock your "turnal" right off, pal. :'''Snake''': Yeah, you and what army, stripes? :'''Alex''': You mess with him, you mess with me, Howard! :'''Marty''': Ah ha ha ha! :'''Unknown Animal''': You're a bigmouth lion! :'''Alex''': See? Mr. Grumpy Stripes! We make a great team, the two of us. :'''Marty''': We sure do. No doubt about it. :'''Alex''': So, what are you going to do? Just go running off to the wild by yourself? :'''Marty''': No. :'''Alex''': Good. :'''Marty''': You and me. Let's go. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Marty''': The wild. Come on. You and me together. It's a straight shot down Fifth Avenue to Grand Central. We'll grab a train, we'll head north. We can be back by morning. No one will ever know. :'''Alex''': ''[chuckles]'' You're joking. Right? :'''Marty''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. I'm joking. Of course I'm joking. Give me a break. Like we're going to get a train. :'''Alex''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh. ''[sighs]'' Don't do that. You really had me worried there. :'''Marty''': ''[yawning]'' Oh, well. I guess I'll hit the sack. :'''Alex''': Yeah, me too. I'll need to rest my voice for tomorrow. It's Seniors' Day, you know. Have to roar extra loud. Give them a little jolt! You know what I’m talking about? :'''Marty''': Good night, Ally Al. :'''Alex''': ''[sighs and claps twice to turn on the red light and hears a bird]'' Oh. They forgot to turn off the ambiance again! :'''Marty''': Don't worry. It's cool. You know, I got it. ''[kicks the speaker, shooing the bird away as it now turns to the sounds of the Police]'' :'''Alex''': Ah. Much better. ''[2 hours later; sleep talking]'' Come on now, baby. My little filet. My little filet mignon with a little fat around the edges. I like that. I like a little fat on my steak. My sweet, juicy steak. You are a rare delicacy. :'''Melman''': Alex. Alex. Alex? Alex. Alex! :'''Alex''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What? :'''Melman''': You suck your thumb? :'''Alex''': ''[sighs]'' What is it, Melman? :'''Melman''': Okay, okay. ''[sighs]'' You know how I have that bladder infection and I have to get up every two hours? Well, I got up to pee, um, and I looked over at Marty's pen, which, you know, I usually don't do. I don't know why, but I did. And this time I looked over and... :'''Alex''': What, Melman? What's going on? :'''Melman''': It's Marty. He's gone. :'''Alex''': Gone?! ''[hits his head]'' Agh! What do you mean "gone"?! :'''Melman''': How long has he been working on this?! ''[looks into the hole the penguins dug]'' Marty!! Marty!!! :'''Gloria''': ''[enters for the scene]'' He wouldn't fit down there. :'''Alex''': ''[tries to look for Marty in the haystacks, noticing that he isn't there]'' Marty? Marty?! Marty!! Marty!!! :'''Gloria''': This doesn't make any sense. Where would he go? :'''Alex''': ''[horrified; after short pause] CONNECTICUT!!'' :'''Gloria''': He wouldn't. :'''Melman''': Oh, no! What are we going to do? We gotta-- we gotta-- I mean, we gotta-- we gotta-- we gotta call somebody! :'''Alex''': ''[Gasps as he runs to a payphone and dials 911]'' Hello?! Get me Missing Animals!! And hurry! We've got a lost zebra probably on the way to Connecticut by now, and we're gonna need...!! :''[Cut to 911 dispatch office; the operator only hears Alex roaring on speaker.]'' :'''911 Operator''': ''[takes off headset in confusion]'' Hello? ''[cut to zoo; on speaker]'' Hello? :'''Alex''': ''[notices a mistake]'' Wait a second. We can't call the people. :'''911 Operator''': What the…?! :'''Alex''': ''[hangs up, then nervously looks at the phone booth for a second before ripping it out, and throws it on the ground]'' They'll be really mad! It'll get Marty transferred for good. You don't bite the hand that feeds you. :'''Gloria''': Mm-hmm. I know that's right. :'''Alex''': We got to go after him. :'''Melman''': Go after him? :'''Alex''': He's not thinking straight. We got to stop him from making for the biggest mistake of his life. He's probably out there lost and cold, confused. ''[sighs; sadly]'' Poor little guy. ===Scene 5: Marty in New York=== :''[The Bee Gees's Stayin’ Alive is playing while Marty walks through New York. Cut to Melman, Alex, and Gloria have just escaped the zoo. Melman helps Alex to hang his neck and Alex falls down to land. Gloria bashes the outside wall from the zoo.]'' :'''Gloria''': Melman, come on! :'''Melman''': You know, maybe one of us should wait here in case he comes back. :'''Gloria''': Oh, no. Not now. This is an intervention, Melman. We all got to go. :'''Alex''': What's the fastest way to Grand Central?! :'''Melman''': Ooh! You should take Lexington. :'''Gloria''': Melman!! :'''Melman''': Okay. "''We''". We should take Lexington. :'''Alex''': What about Park? :'''Melman''': No, Park goes 2 ways. You can't time the lights. :'''Mason''': ''[Mason and Phil have just escaped the zoo]'' I heard [[w:Tom Wolfe|Tom Wolfe]]'s speaking at Lincoln Center. ''[Phil signs frantically]'' Well, of course we're going to throw poo at him. :''[Marty does ice skating then falls. Cut to Alex, Gloria, and Melman at the Subway train station]'' :'''Alex''': I knew we should've taken Park. Are you sure this is the fastest way to Grand Central Station? :'''Gloria''': I don't know! That's what Melman said! :'''Melman''': Hey. Hey, you, guys. That room has some nifty little sinks you can wash up in and look! ''[sticks out his tongue with a urinal cake on it]'' Free mints! :'''Alex''': This isn't a field trip, Melman! This is an urgent mission to save Marty from throwing his life away! Now, where's the train? :'''Melman''': Ah, Here it comes. ''[He hears the train and looks to the other side, screaming as the train hits his head as the warning horn blares]'' :'''Gloria''': What did Marty say to you?! I asked you to talk to him! :'''Alex''': I did! I did! ''[Melman puts the urinal cake back in his mouth]'' I don't understand! He said, "Let's go!" And I said, "What are you, crazy?" And he says, "I'm ten years old!" And he is black with white stripes, and so then we sang and… ''[The train doors open; people scream and run away thinking they're getting attacked by the animals; The train doors close]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Police Horse''': What you got to do is go straight back down West 42nd. :'''Marty''': Uh-huh. :'''Police Horse''': It's on your left after Vanderbilt. :'''Marty''': Okay. :'''Police Horse''': If you hit the Chrysler Building, you've gone too far. :'''Marty''': Uh-huh. Thanks a lot, officer. ''[walks]'' :'''Police Horse''': Hey! ''[Marty looks back]'' Wait for the light! ''[Marty walks backwards a bit while realizing his mistake]'' Freak. :'''Police radio''': Did you say "zebra"? :'''Police Officer''': Yeah, yeah, that's right. A zebra. Right in front of me. Can I shoot it? :'''Police radio''': Negative. :'''Police Officer''': Then I'm going to need some backup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the subway, Alex and his gang are sitting as Alex sees a frightened man reading his newspaper about a basketball game between Golden State Warriors and New York Knicks.]'' :'''Alex''': ''[reads the frightened man's sports paper then roars]'' Aww! Knicks lost again. :'''Melman''': What are you going to do? :'''Conductor''': Grand Central Station. :'''Alex''': Did that just say "Grand Central Station" or "my aunt's constipation"? :'''Gloria''': This is it. ===Scene 6: Grand Central Station/Alex's Dream=== [[File:Grand Central NYPD.jpg|thumb|We've been ratted out, boys.]] :'''Marty''': Grand Central Station. It's ''grand'' and it's ''central''. :''[At the subway, the man's playing a drum set; the train doors open; Alex is running with Gloria and preparing to tackle Marty, while Melman tries to run.]'' :'''Melman''': ''[squeezes his head out of the train doors]'' Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! ''[head pops out and hits the ceiling sign and destroys a man's drum set while he hits the cymbal]'' :'''Alex''': ''[more people screaming and running away]'' Move aside. We have an emergency here. This is an emergency situation. Hey, hey. Just chill out. It's not that big of an emergency. ''[Nana hits him with her handbag three times]'' Hey! Hey! Would you? Hey! Yaaaagh! Ooh! :'''Nana''': Upstairs, downstairs! ''[kicks Alex's crotch, then sprays in his eyes]'' How do you like that?! Yahh!! :'''Alex''': Lady! What is wrong with you?! ''[Nana hits him twice]'' Ow! Get a grip on yourselves, people! :'''Nana''': You're a bad kitty. :'''Announcer in the Grand Central''': The next train to Connecticut has been… :'''Marty''': ''[angrily, as the train to Connecticut departs]'' Dagnabbit! I missed the express! ''[then calms himself down for another plan]'' Looks like I’m gonna have to take the Stamford local. ''[Suddenly, Alex tackles in victorious]'' Aah! :'''Alex''': I got him! I've got him! :'''Gloria''': He's got him! :'''Melman''': He's got him! He's got him! He's got... Aaagh! :'''Nana''': I got something for you! ''[hits Melman with her bag, not realizing the damage she caused]'' :'''Melman''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[crashes into a clock that reads 12:21 AM]'' I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm OK. :'''Marty''': Whoa! What are you guys doing here? :'''Alex''': Oh! I am so glad we found you. :'''Gloria''': We were so... worried about you. :'''Marty''': Don't worry, I'm fine, I'm fine. Look at me. I'm fine. :'''Alex''': You're fine? Oh, he's fine. Oh! Great. Hey, you hear that? Marty's fine. Ah. That's good to know. 'Cause I was just wondering, uh... ''[now becomes desperate, disappointed, frustrated and grabs Marty by force about the escape from the zoo without permission] <big><big>'''HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US, MARTY?!?! I THOUGHT WE WERE YOUR FRIENDS!!!'''</big></big>'' :'''Marty''': ''[weakly] '''WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?!?!?! I WAS COMING BACK IN THE MORNING!!!''''' :'''Alex''': Don't you ever do this again!! Do you hear me?! :'''Gloria''': Do you hear him?! :'''Melman''': ''[with the clock on his head]'' Guys? We're running out of time! :'''Gloria''': Oh, Melman, you broke their clock?! :'''Alex''': Do you even realize what you've put us through?!?! Don't you ever... do this again!!! ''Don't you ever, ever do this again!!! [Grand Central Station goes dark; the spotlights has turned on as the Police and Firemen are called]'' :'''Gloria''': Don't-- COME HERE! ''[grunting and panting as she tries to remove the broken clock off Melman's head until the police came to stop them while Skipper and his agents are reading a newspaper]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[frustrated before the friends raise their flippers]'' We've been ratted out, boys. :'''Police''': Hold your fire! ''[The police officers, the other federal forces, firefighters, drummer and Nana surrounding Alex and the gang.]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[happily while walking back with his friends]'' Cute and cuddly, boys. Cute and cuddly. :''[Mason and Phil, disguised in a trench coat, have bought tickets, only for many guns to point at them.]'' :'''Mason''': ''[to Phil]'' If you have any poo, fling it now. :''[Cut back to Grand Central Station with the police officers and the other federal forces confront Alex and the gang.]'' :'''Marty''': ''[whispers]'' It's the man. ''[loudly]'' Good evening, officers! :'''Alex''': No. No. Nope. You don't talk now. OK? You're not good with "putting words together and they're coming out good" thing. ''[he let the Marty go]'' You keep it "shh"! ''[turns to the people]'' Hey! How you doing? You know what? Everything's cool. We just, uh, had a little situation here. ''[The Police push an Animal Control, but he's frightened of Alex, so the Police use their shields to block the sacredly man's path]'' Little internal situation. Actually, my friend went a little crazy. Happens to everybody. The city gets to us all. Went a little cuckoo in the head. :'''Marty''': Hey! Don't be calling me cuckoo in the head. :'''Alex''': Just shush! I will handle this. Oh! :'''Nana''': ''[walks up and kicks Alex in between the legs]'' <big><big>'''I GOT HIM!!!'''</big></big> :'''Police Officers''': ''[He run into view and carry Nana away jail]'' Go, go, go! Right here, please. :'''Alex''': Oh! Would you give a guy a break? ''[moaning]'' We’re just gonna take my little friend here home and… Uh, forget this ever happened. All right? No harm, no foul, right? ''[policemen and animal control feel shocked]'' Oh, no, no, no. Hey, it's cool. It's me, Alex the lion. From the zoo. Rrrr! ''[roars, scaring the people]'' Rrrr! What's the matter with them? ''[gets shot in the butt by a purple tranquilizer dart]'' Ow! Ow… ''[Starts to faint]'' Wow! Whoo! I feel really, really weird. Hey! Aw. I love you guys. ''[in slow motion]'' I love you so much... :''[Sammy Davis Jr.'s [[w:The Candy Man|The Candy Man]] starts to play as the screen becomes kaleidoscopic. Suddenly, it becomes black, save for many Martys and Melmans. The camera pans into the centermost Melman, then his pattern becomes the New York skyline as fireworks go off. Suddenly, Gloria, who is Lady Liberty flies off her pedestal like [[Tinker Bell (film)|Tinker Bell]], and to the viewer, leaving a trail of sparkles that originate from her body. She then hits into the camera with her torch like a wand, turning the screen into glass shatter stars that fly to the screen.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''News Reporter''': Last night's dramatic incident in Grand Central is an example of what animal rights wackos have been shouting for years: The animals clearly don't belong in captivity. Now they are to be sent back to their natural habitat, where they will live their lives in the freedom they so clearly desire. :'''Alex''': ''[Groaning, sticks out his hand weakly]'' Hey, little help? :'''Guard''': ''[audience screams and runs away]'' He's awake! '''''HE'S AWAKE!!!!''''' :'''Guard #2''': ''[screams]'' :'''News Reporter''': ''[the Guards shoot more tranquilizer darts with different colors off-screen, the blue one lands in the middle of his hand while the human hits the street lamp, faints and crawls away] '''DO SOMETHING!!!!''''' :'''Alex''': [[Dora the Explorer|Oh, man]]. :''[Alex's Candy Man hallucination plays again, but unfortunately this time, it’s high-pitched and sped up]'' ===Scene 7: The Boat to Kenya=== [[File:Madagascar, lever de soleil sur l'océan indien.4.jpg|thumb|Does anybody feel nauseous?]] :'''Alex''': ''[his eyes glow in the dark; groaning]'' Oh, my head... ''[bumps his head on the top of his crate]'' Oh! Ah! ''[the crate lights has turned on automatically]'' What the…? Wait. ''[searches inside for the crate]'' Where…? What…? I'm in a box! Oh, no. No, no! Not the box. Oh, no, they can't transfer me! NOT ME! ''[panting]'' Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Darkness creeping in. Can't breathe. Can't breathe. Walls closing in around me. ''[whimpering]'' So alone. So alone. :'''Marty''': ''[his eyes open]'' Alex! Alex, are you there? :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': ''[the crate lights have turned on automatically]'' Yeah! Talk to me, buddy. :'''Alex''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, Marty! You're here! :'''Marty''': What's going on? Are you OK? :'''Alex''': This doesn't look good, Marty. :'''Gloria''': ''[her eyes open]'' Alex? ''[the crate lights have turned on automatically]'' Marty, is that you? :'''Marty''': Gloria! :'''Alex''': You're here, too! :'''Marty''': I am loving the sound of your voice! :'''Gloria''': What is going on? :'''Alex''': We're all in crates! ''[Melman opens his eyes]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, no! Wha…? :'''Melman''': ''[the crate lights turn on automatically]'' Oh… sleeping just knocks me out. :'''Gloria''': Melman! :'''Alex''': Melman! :'''Marty''': Is that Melman? :'''Gloria''': Are you OK? :'''Melman''': Yeah. No, I’m fine. ''[yawning]'' I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI. :'''Alex''': Melman, you're not getting an MRI. :'''Melman''': CAT scan? :'''Alex''': No! No CAT scan! It's a transfer. It's a zoo transfer! :'''Melman''': ZOO TRANSFER?! Oh, no! No, no, I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at 5:00. :'''Gloria''': Melman. Melman! Calm down, Melman. Relax. :'''Marty''': Melman. Calm down, Melman. :'''Melman''': There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am ''not'' going HMO! :'''Marty''': Take it easy, Melman. It's going to be okay. We are going to be okizay. :'''Alex''': No, Marty. We're not gonna be "okizay". Now, because of you, we're ruined! :'''Marty''': Because of me? I fail to see how this is my fault. :'''Gloria''': You're kidding, right, Marty? :'''Alex''': You! You ticked off the people. You bit the hand, Marty. You bit the hand! ''[mimicking Marty]'' "I don't know who I am! I don't know who I am. I got to go find myself in the wild!" Oh, please. :'''Marty''': Hey, hey! I did not ask you to come after me, did I? :'''Melman''': He does have a point. :'''Alex''': What?! :'''Melman''': I ''did'' say we should stay at the zoo, but you guys-- ''[fades to outside of the boxes]'' :'''Alex''': Melman, just shut it! You're the one who suggested this whole idea to him in the first place. :'''Gloria''': Alex! Leave Melman out of this, please? :'''Melman''': Thank you, Gloria. Besides, Alex, that's not my fault that we were transferred! :'''Gloria''': Melman, shut it. Does anybody feel nauseous? :'''Melman''': I feel nauseous. :'''Alex''': Melman, you always feel nauseous. :''[Horn blares from the freighter]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Kenya w1 locator.svg|thumb|Hmm... "Ship to Kenya Wildlife Preserve, Africa"!]] :''[The penguins are being transferred; Kowalski is looking for the label on their crate.]'' :'''Skipper''': Progress report. :'''Kowalski''': It's an older code, Skipper. I can't make it out. :''[Skipper notices up the chimps for the crate next to them]'' :'''Skipper''': Hmm... You, higher mammal. :'''Mason''': Hmm? :'''Skipper''': Can you read? :'''Mason''': No. Phil can read, though. Phil! ''[Phil appears; Kowalski gestures towards the label; Phil starts using sign language]'' Hmm... "Ship to Kenya Wildlife Preserve, Africa"! :'''Skipper''': Africa? That ain't gonna fly. Rico! :''[Rico pulled out a paper clip from his mouth, makes a shape that looks like a key and unlocks the crate. The penguins started to attack the guards and infiltrate the captain's deck and knocked him out. They are now in control of the ship as the new crew. Cut to Alex and Marty still arguing inside their crates while fighting.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gloria''': Guys! :'''Alex''': I was the star in the greatest city on Earth! :'''Gloria''': Guys, listen. :'''Alex''': A king! Loved by my people! :'''Gloria''': Okay, look! Let's just be civil. :'''Alex''': And you've ruined everything! :'''Gloria''': Guys, guys! Quit it up there! :'''Marty''': "Loved"? If the people loved you, it's only because they didn't know the real ''you''! :'''Gloria''': Don't make me come up there. I'd get the whooping on both of y'all! :'''Alex''': I thought I knew the real ''you''! Oh, wait, Marty? Your black-and-white stripes? They cancel each other out. OW! You're '''''NOTHING!!!''''' :'''Gloria''': Let's-- Let's just talk about it like adults. You’re so scary! :'''Melman''': Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! :'''Gloria''': Hey! Listen. You're not helping the situation! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': Status! :'''Private''': ''[nervously]'' It's no good, Skipper. I don't know the codes. :'''Skipper''': ''[angrily]'' Don't give me excuses! '''''GIVE ME RESULTS!!!''''' Navigation. ''[Kowalski tries to investigate, but there's nothing]'' All right. Let me think… ''[The Captain mumbles crying for help]'' …and shut him up!! ''[Rico slaps the Captain]'' :'''Private''': ''[Completes the Override code]'' I did it! :'''Skipper''': ''[Alarm blaring]'' Let's get this tin can turned around! :''[As Kowalski turns the wheel, the boat begins to tilt slowly. The crates started to skid across the deck and towards the rail.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Ow! :'''Gloria''': Oh! :'''Melman''': Ah! :''[Alex peeps out and notices Gloria's box sliding towards his]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh! :''[Gloria crashes into Alex, and the rail breaks, causing the four boxes to fall into the sea, with the animals screaming in terror. The currents start to wash them apart.]'' :'''Alex''': Guys? Oh, no. Gloria! Melman! Marty! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty?! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty! No, wait. Come back, Marty! Don't go. ===Scene 8: Arrive on the Beach=== [[File:Beach Fort Dauphin I.jpg|thumb|Marty! <br> Alex!]] :''[Night falls, Alex is asleep and a wave bumps His Crate as he falls into the mysterious Island that has a jungle and Alex feels scared and lonely and tries to call his friends]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? Melman? Gloria? Marty?! Melman?! Gloria?! Marty! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Melman! Gloria! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Hey, anyone! ''[echoes]'' Hello! ''[The next morning, feels weary; exhausted and calling to his friends]'' Marty, Melman, Gloria. Gloria, Melman, Marty. Marty, Gelman, Gloria. Marty, Melman. Morty, Morty, Gelman. Regis. Kelly. ''[Suddenly, hears a voice]'' Matt, Katie, Al. :'''Melman''': Hey! Whoa! Hey! Help! Whoa! Get me out of this thing. Somebody. Hello? Get me out of this thing right now! Hello? Somebody? :''[Alex goes up close and has found Melman]'' :'''Alex''': Melman! :'''Melman''': Alex? Is that you? :'''Alex''': Melman, I got you. Hang on! Hang on. I got you. ''[bumps his head; dig up from the sand]'' Melman! :'''Melman''': Ow… :'''Alex''': I got you, buddy. :'''Melman''': Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! :'''Alex''': Wait a sec, Melman. :'''Melman''': Ow. :'''Alex''': Wait right there. ''[Picks up the branch]'' Aha! :'''Melman''': Alex, what are you doing? :'''Alex''': I'm getting you out of the box. Relax. :'''Melman''': Alex? ''[Gasps]'' :'''Alex''': Giraffe, corner pocket! Here goes nothing! :'''Melman''': Wait, wait, wait! No, come on! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! :'''Alex''': Hold still! :'''Melman''': Wait, Alex! :'''Alex''': Hold still. Hold still. Hold still. :'''Melman''': No, no, come on. Come on! :'''Alex''': Here I come! ''[yelling]'' :'''Melman''': Look! Look! Look! Look! It's Gloria! It's '''''GLORIAAAAA!!''''' Oh, hey, it is Gloria. Oh, my... :'''Alex''': Gloria! ''[Knocking the crate door, but Gloria kicks the door, screaming while flies, Melman screaming and crash, his long crate broke into pieces!]'' Gloria! ''[getting hit by a piece right in the heart from his chest]'' Oh! :'''Gloria''': Alrighty, boys, fun's over. :''[The crab and the two starfishes go back into the ocean]'' :'''Alex''': Gloria! :'''Gloria''': ''[takes off the seaweed]'' Alex! :''[Suddenly, while hugging, Alex and Gloria see Marty riding on dolphins to surf]'' :'''Marty''': Whoa! ''[Hawaiian Five-O playing]'' :'''Gloria''': Marty?! :'''Alex''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Yeah! All right! That's right! Whoo! Left! Left! Left. No, no, no, no, no, your left! Your left! Your left! Woohoo! Right here's good. You know, I don't really have anything on me right now. I'll have to get you later. ''[Dolphins chattering of saying goodbye]'' Ah-eheheheheh--to you too. :'''Alex''': Marty! Marty! :''["[[w:Chariots of Fire|Chariots of Fire]]" playing]'' :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': ''[slow motion]'' Marty! :'''Marty''': ''[slow motion]'' Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Al! :'''Alex''': ''[firmly]'' Marty! :'''Marty''': ''[confused]'' Alex??? :'''Alex''': ''[angrily] <big><big>'''MARTY!!!!!!!'''</big></big>'' :'''Marty''': ''[Shocked, fleeing away while realizing that Alex is still furious with him for the zoo transfer] <big><big>'''OH, SUGAR HONEY ICED TEA!!!'''</big></big>'' :''[Suddenly, Alex starts making it worse]'' :'''Alex''': ''[normal motion]'' <big><big>'''MARTY!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[normal motion]'' Hey! Hold up! Hold up! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! YOU COME HERE!!! DON'T RUN AWAY FROM ME!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': Whoa, wait! Wait, wait! Calm down! Calm down! :'''Gloria''': Marty! :'''Alex''': '''Do you think you can keep running?! I'm going to just kill you more!''' :'''Melman''': Marty! :'''Gloria''': Oh, look at us! We're all here together. Safe and sound. :'''Melman''': Yeah, here we are. Where exactly is "here"? ''[Everyone is surprised as they turn while they see many trees of Madagascar, but Melman knows it's...]'' San Diego. :'''Gloria''': San Diego? :'''Melman''': White sandy beaches, cleverly simulated natural environment, wide-open enclosures. I'm telling you, this could be the San Diego Zoo. Complete with fake rocks. ''[tapping a rock]'' Wow! That looks real. :'''Alex''': San Diego? What could be worse than San Diego? :'''Marty''': I don't know. This place is crackalackin'! Oh, I could hang here. I could hang here. :'''Alex''': ''[angrily; starts chasing Marty]'' <big><big>'''I’M GONNA KILL YOU, MARTY!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' Take it easy! Take it easy! :'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' <big><big>'''I’M GONNA STRANGLE YOU!!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' Calm down! Calm down! :'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' <big><big>'''THEN BURY YOU, THEN DIG YOU UP AND CLONE YOU AND KILL YOUR CLONES!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' 20-second timeout. 20-second timeout. :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''AND THEN I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!!!'''</big></big> :'''Gloria''': ''[grabs Alex]'' <big><big>'''STOP IT!!!'''</big></big> Look. We're just going to find the people, get checked in and have this mess straightened out. :'''Alex''': Oh, great. This is just great. San Diego. Now I'll have to compete with [[w:Shamu|Shamu]] and his smug little grin. I can't top that! Can't top it! I'm ruined! I'm done! I'm out of the business! It's your fault, Marty! You've ruined me! :'''Marty''': Come on, Alex. Do you honestly think I intended all of this to happen? You want me to say that I'm sorry? Is that what you want? OK, I'm... :'''Alex''': Shh! :'''Marty''': He just shushed me. :'''Gloria''': Marty, look. ''[He doesn't want to hear it, right now. So...]'' You've got to be just a little... :'''Alex''': ''[cuts her off]'' Shush! :'''Gloria''': …bit more und-- Don't you shush me! :'''Alex''': ''[trying to listen harder]'' Do you hear that? Don't you hear that? ''[the others realize he's trying to listen to the music as they run into the jungle, while they're hearing the music that has a similar beat to Stayin’ Alive by Bee Gees]'' ===Scene 9: Checking Into the Jungle/I Like To Move It=== :'''Marty''': I hear it now! :'''Gloria''': Where there's music, there's people. :'''Alex''': We’ll go right to the head honcho. :'''Melman''': A sidewalk would be nice. :'''Gloria''': Yeah, what a dump. :'''Alex''': They should call it the San Di-lame-o Zoo. First, they tell you, "Hey! We got this great open plan thing. Let the animals run wild!" Next thing you know, it’s flowers in your hair. Everybody's hugging everybody! :'''Marty''': This place kind of grows on you. This way, guys! Come on! :'''Alex''': ''[gets hit by a branch]'' OW!! Ooh! ''[screams then cries in his hands]'' Aah! ''[his foot hits a rock]'' Oh, oh! AAH!!! ''[his foot pricks a thorn]'' Aah! What the...? ''[jumps through spider webs]'' Oh! Aah! Ew! Ew! ''[sputters as he tries to get the webs off himself then knocks down a tree on himself]'' OH, NO!! '''AAAHH!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gloria, Melman and Marty arrive at the party, they can see dancing shadows from the giant leaves.]'' :'''Gloria''': OK. Let's make a good impression on the people. Smiles, everyone. Let's get it together. Is that the best you can do, Melman? :'''Melman''': Oh, I'm not smiling. It's gas. :'''Gloria''': Okay. Well, great. Let's make gas look good. :''[Gloria opens up the leaves and they see a huge small group of strange furry creatures, who are the lemurs, dancing after [[w:madagascar:The End is Here|the final events]] of [[w:madagascar:All Hail King Julien|All Hail King Julien]]]'' :'''Marty''': Wow! :'''Gloria''': It's not people. It's animals! :'''Melman''': California animals. Dude! :'''Marty''': This is like a Puffy party! :'''King Julien''': ''[singing]'' I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it Ya like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it Ya like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': I like to move it, move it You like to move it, move it She like to move it, move it He like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': All girls all over the world Original King Julien 'pon yer case, man I love how all the girls that love to move their body When ya move your body, ya do Move it nice and sweet and sassy, all right :'''Gloria''': What kind of zoo is this? :'''Melman''': I just saw 26 blatant health code violations. :'''Marty''': I'm loving San Diego. This place is off the chizaine! :'''Melman''': 27! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Julien''': Woman, physically fit, physically fit, physically, physically, physically fit Woman Physically fit, Physically fit... :'''Marty''': We should've brought chips and dip! :'''Gloria''': ''[looking around, realizing they left someone behind]'' Wait. Where's Alex? ''[pulls Marty away]'' What happened to him? He was right behind us. Wasn't he right behind us? :'''Marty''': I don't know where he's at, but he's missing one heck of a party. :'''Lemur''': '''''THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!''' [screaming]'' :''[The lemurs went running to hide and screaming. The fossas enter and surround to see the little lemur named Mort. Who is scared.]'' :'''Fossa''': Fossa hungry. Fossa eat. :'''Alex''': ''[enters]'' Ech! I hate spiderwebs. Yeah. Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks for waiting up. Really appreciate it. ''[Pulls away the leaves to see the Fossa.]'' Hey. Hi. We just got in from New York, and we're looking for a supervisor. Because we've been sitting on that beach there for… hours, and nobody's even bothered to show up. I don't know if things are, uh… Yeah, I don't know how things are normally run around here… ''[Marty, Gloria and Melman froze then in shock they saw a spider crawling on his back. Gloria slowly picked up a stick to whack it.]'' …but obviously, there's been some sort of major screw-up. Which is cool! So if you could just point us towards the administrative offices, we'll just, uh... ''[Before he can finish, he notices the spider crawling on his back]'' :'''Spider''': Well, howdy-do. :'''Alex''': ''[screaming in horror, the fossas surprised, then roaring in slow motion by scary monster the fossas running away] '''SPIDER! SPIDER!! SPIDER ON MY BACK!!!''''' :'''King Julien''': Maurice? Did you see that?! :'''Maurice''': He scared the fossa away. :''[Alex continues screaming in horror as Gloria uses the stick to hit him, but the spider has finally escaped!]'' :'''Melman''': Come on, Gloria. Get him! :'''Spider''': GET IT! GET IT!! GET IT!!! '''GET IT!!!''' :'''Melman''': That's it! Catch it, Gloria! Smack it! Get it, get it! Whip it! Whip it good! Where'd it go? :'''Mort''': King Julien, what are they? '''''WHAT ARE THEY?!?!''''' :'''King Julien''': They are aliens. Savage aliens from the savage future. :'''Maurice''': They've come to kill us. And take our women. And our precious metals. :''[Lemurs gasp. Mort starts sobbing while lands on Julien's feet.]'' :'''King Julien''': Get up, Mort. Do not be near the king's feet, OK? Shh! We're hiding. Be quiet, everyone. Including me. Shh! Who's making that noise? Oh, it's me again. :'''Melman''': There it is! Get it! Come on, Gloria! :'''Alex''': Stop it! Stop it! That's enough! Enough with the stick. :'''Melman''': She got it. I think she got it. I think she got it. :'''Alex''': Is it still on me? Oh, I hate spiders. :'''Gloria''': It's okay. It's gone. :'''Mort''': They are savages. Tonight we die. ''[He grabs Julien's leg]'' :'''King Julien''': The feet. I told you... I told you to... I told every...! Didn't I tell you about the feet. :'''Maurice''': He did tell you about the feet. :'''Mort''': E-he. :'''King Julien''': Wait. I have a plan. :'''Maurice''': Really? :'''King Julien''': I have devised a cunning test to see whether these are savages killers. ===Scene 10: The Locals=== :'''Mort''': ''[After Julien kicks him out from hiding nearby]'' No! OOH! ''[Sees Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman and he gets scared and grabs his tail in fear.]'' :'''Marty''': Hi there. :'''Alex''': ''[cuts off Marty, clears throat]'' You let me handle it. ''[whispers]'' Alex handles it. Marty does nothing. ''[He walks over to a scared Mort and zooms in his face; kindly]'' Hi THEEEERRREEE! ''[Mort looks at Alex's teeth and starts crying]'' Oh, jeez. Oh. Oh, Sorry. :'''Melman''': Oh, Shh! Shh! Shh! Oh, Alex. What did you do? :'''Alex''': No, no, no. Stop. Stop. Shh! It's OK. It's OK. I'm just a silly... just a silly lion. ''[Mort starts screaming, while crying even louder]'' Oh, jeez! :'''Marty''': ''[knowing that Alex just made it worse]'' Aw, Alex. :'''Gloria''': ''[Marty and Melman angrily criticize Alex, but walks to Mort]'' Oh, you poor little baby. Did that big mean lion scare you? :'''Mort''': Mm-hmm. ''[muttering]'' :'''Gloria''': He did? He's a big, bad old puddy tat, isn't he? ''[She picks Mort up]'' Come on. Mama'll hold you. Aww, look at you. :'''Melman''': ''[as Gloria is cuddling Mort]'' They are so cute from a reasonable distance. :'''Gloria''': Aren't you the sweetest little thing. Makes me want to dye it in coffee. :'''King Julien''': ''[watching Gloria cuddle Mort]'' They are just a bunch of pansies. :'''Maurice''': I don't know, Julien. ''[referring to Alex]'' There's something about that guy with the crazy hair-do that... I find suspicious. :'''King Julien''': Nonsense, Maurice! ''[turns to the lemurs]'' Come on, everybody! Let's go and meet the PANSIES! ''[laughing]'' :''[All the lemurs cheering and come out of their hiding places to meet them in celebration.]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:New York Giants logo.svg|thumb|upright|"All hail the New York Giants!"<br>"NEW YORK GIANTS!!!!"]] :'''Maurice''': ''[blowing the shell horn]'' Presenting your royal highness, our illustrious King Julien XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, et cetera, et cetera. Hooray, everybody. :'''Marty''': He's got style. :'''Alex''': What is he, like, king of the guinea pigs? :'''Melman''': I think it's a squirrel. :'''King Julien''': Welcome, giant pansies! Please feel free to bask in my glow! :'''Alex''': Definitely a squirrel. :'''Melman''': Yep, squirrel. :'''King Julien''': We thank you with enormous gratitude for scaring away the Fossa. :'''Gloria''': The whossa? :'''King Julien''': The Fossa. They're always annoying us by trespassing, interrupting our parties, and ripping our limbs off... :'''Alex''': Yeah, sounds great. Look, we're just, uh, we’re just trying to find out where the people are, so if you could, uh-- :'''Maurice''': ''[to Alex]'' Oh my, what big teeth you have. Man! He-hey! :'''King Julien''': ''[he slaps]'' Shame on you, Maurice! Can you not see that you have insulted the freak?! ''[to Alex]'' You must tell me, who the heck are you? :'''Alex''': I'm Alex. The Alex and this is Gloria, Marty, and Melman. :'''Maurice''': And where exactly are you giants from, hmm? :'''Alex''': We're from New York and, uh, we-- :'''King Julien''': ''[makes a "T" with his hands, interrupting Alex, then turns to the crowd of lemurs.]'' All hail the New York Giants! :'''Lemurs''': NEW YORK GIANTS!!!! ''[cheering]'' :'''Alex''': Is there some sort of inbreeding program? ''[to Marty, Melman, and Gloria]'' Well, I say we just got to ask these bozos where the people are. :'''Julien:''' Excuse me? We bozos have the people, of course! :'''Alex''': ''Whoa!'' :'''Melman''': Hey! The bozos have the people! :'''Alex''': Oh, well, great. Good. Phew. Heh. :'''King Julien''': They're up there. ''[points to some human skeletons hanging from parachutes snagged on the branches of a large tree]'' Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch, though. :'''Alex''': Oh, wow. So do you have any live people? :'''King Julien''': Um... No. Uh, only dead ones. :'''Maurice''': Man, if we had a lot of live people, it wouldn't be called "the wild!" Would it? ''[laughs]'' :'''Marty''': The wild? :'''Alex''': Whoa! Whoa, hold up there a second, fuzz... bucket. You mean, like, uh, like the "live-in-a-mud-hut, wipe-yourself-with-a-leaf" type wild? :'''King Julien''': Who wipes? ''[laughing]'' :'''Gloria''': Oy vey. :'''King Julien''': Oy vey! :'''Maurice''': Oy vey, everybody! :'''Lemurs''': OY VEY!!!! :'''Alex''': Could you excuse me for a moment? ''[At sunset, runs back to the shore, crying, while Gloria tries to chase him down.]'' Get me out of here! We got to get out of here!! Help!!! :'''Gloria''': Alex! ''[She catches Alex as he's about to dive into the ocean]'' What are you ''doing''?! :'''Alex''': ''[while Marty is excited]'' I'm swimming back to New York!! I know my chances are slim. But I have to try! :'''Gloria''': You can't swim! :'''Alex''': I said my chances are slim!! :'''Melman''': ''[running in panic with leaves covering him]'' AAAAGHH!!! NATURE!!!! It's all over me! Get it off!! I CAN'T SEE!!! I CAN'T SEE!!!! ''[Gloria steps on vine cord, pulling the leaves off him; happily]'' I can see! ''[now becomes frightened, screams, and buries his head in the sand like an ostrich]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[while holding Alex by his throat]'' Okay, look. There has obviously just been a little mistake. I'm sure the people didn't dump us here on purpose. As soon as they realize what happened, they'll come looking for us, right? :'''Melman''': ''[with head buried; while Marty is singing "Born Free"]'' Yeah, right. :'''Gloria''': You know something? I bet they're already on their way. ''[puts down Alex as he gasps]'' ===Scene 11: Last Will=== :''[Meanwhile, at dusk, the boat sails 2,500 turns into 2,501 miles south to Antarctica by way of the penguins on an important mission.]'' :'''Skipper''': Well, boys? It's gonna be ice-cold sushi for breakfast. ''[he and Private take high five]'' Rico. :''[Rico uses the wine with foam to toast their victory!]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile on Madagascar island...]'' :'''Melman''': Well, since I'm doomed to die on this forsaken island, I, Melman Mankiewicz, being of sound mind and unsound body, have divided my estate equally among the three of you. ''[Right before he could finish his sentence, a wave came in and go rid of it]'' Oh… Sorry, Alex. :'''Marty''': Hey! A latrine. Nice work, Melman. Outdoor plumbing. :'''Alex''': No, it's not a latrine. It's a grave! You sent Melman to his grave. Are you happy? :'''Marty''': Aw, come on. This isn't the end. This is a whole new beginning. This could be the best thing that's ever happened to us. :'''Alex''': No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No! This is not the best thing that's ever happened to us! :'''Melman''': Yeah! You abused the power of the birthday wish and brought this bad luck on all of us. So why'd you tell your wish? You're not supposed to do that. :'''Marty''': Wait a minute. I didn't wanna tell you. Remember? You guys made me tell you. :'''Melman''': Oh, OK. :''[As Marty talks, Alex has grabbed a tree and draw a line over the beach.]'' :'''Marty''': Besides, this isn't bad luck. This is good luck. Look around. There's no fences, no schedules. This place is beautiful. Baby, we were born to be here. :'''Alex''': OK. OK. I've had enough of this. This is your side of the island, and this is our side of the island. That is the bad side, where you can prance and skip around like a magical pixie horse! And do whatever the heck you wanna do all day long. And this, this is the good side of the island for those who love New York and care about going home. :'''Marty''': Come on. :'''Alex''': No, no. Back! Back! Back! Back! :'''Gloria''': You know what? This isn't good. :'''Marty''': OK! You all have your side, and I'll have mine! And if you need me, I'll be over here, on the fun side of the island, having a good old time! A gay old time! A yay old time! A [[The Flintstones (film)|Yabba-dabba-doo]] old time! :'''Alex''': That’s not the fun side, this is the fun side! This is the fun side, where we're gonna have a great time surviving until we go home. Whoo! I love this side. This side's the best. That side stinks! You're on the '''Jersey''' side of this cesspool!! :'''Marty''': [[The Flintstones (film)|WILMA]]!!!!!!!! :'''Melman''': Well, now what do we do? :'''Alex''': Don't worry, Melman. I have a plan to get us rescued. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later at nightfall, Alex builds a statue that looks like the Statue of Liberty from New York]'' :'''Alex''': Can't wait to see the look on Marty's face when he sees this. ''[looks over to see Marty, building a roof]'' Ooh. Just look at him. He's helpless without us. Shut up, Spalding! :''[The camera zooms to a decorated basketball]'' :'''Gloria''': I've been standing here for hours, man. How long do I have to pose like this? :'''Alex''': She is... ''[kissing]'' Finito! I defy any rescue boat within a million miles to miss this baby. When the moment is right, we will ignite the beacon of liberty and be rescued from this awful nightmare! What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? How's the liberty fire goin', Melman? :'''Melman''': Great! Idiot... :'''Alex''': I heard that! :'''Melman''': Ugh. Why can't we just borrow some of Marty's fire? :'''Alex''': That's wildfire! We're not using wildfire on Lady Liberty! Now rub, Melman! :'''Melman''': ''[groans in frustration]'' I've been doing... I can't – i can't – i can't do it! I ju-- I CAN'T DO IT! ''[slams the planks down...and they suddenly ignite]'' Fire! Fire! ''[Alex and Gloria were surprised by this]'' FIRE! FIIIIIIRE!!! ''[laughs, then notices the burning planks are still attached to his hooves]'' Ah. Oh, my... Ow! Ooh, '''FIRE!!''' ''[screaming]'' :'''Alex''': '''NOT YET! NO, NO! NO!''' :'''Melman''': '''FIRE! AAAAHHHHH!!!!''' ''[Sets the statue that Alex made on fire]'' :'''Alex''': No, no! No! Not yet! ''[gasps before landing on his face]'' :'''Gloria''': Melman, hold still! JUMP! Alex, jump! ''[Alex does so]'' Don't worry, cats always land on their-- ''[Alex falls flat on his face after jumping off the burning rescue beacon instead of using his feet to land safely like other cats]'' Face? Man, what kind of cat are you? :'''Alex''': ''[after Melman burned the rescue beacon in panic] [[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|'''YOU MANIAC!! YOU BURNED IT UP! DARN YOU! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!!''']]'' :'''Melman''': ''[callously]'' Can we go to the fun side now? ===Scene 12: The King=== :''[Meanwhile in the jungle, the lemurs have gathered at an old airplane for a meeting.]'' :'''Maurice''': Everybody, calm down. Come on. Into your chairs. Yes. Everybody please, calm down. Let go of his tail. Separate those two, would you, please? You over here, and you over there. Everybody, Shh... Calm down, people, OK? Ugh. Now, presenting your royal highness, the illustrious blah, blah, blah. You know, et cetera, et cetera. Hooray. Let's go. :'''King Julien''': Now, everybody, we all have great curiosity about our guests, the New York giants. Yes, Willie? :'''Willie the lemur''': I like them. :'''Mort''': I like them. I like them! I liked them first! Before I even met them I liked them! :'''King Julien''': Yes, yes. Yes! We get it… :'''Mort''': When I saw them, I liked them right away. You hate them compared to how much I like them… :'''Julien''': Oh, shut up! You're so annoying!! ''[Pauses out of the park and Mort chuckles]'' Now, for as long as we can remember, we have been attacked and eaten by the dreaded fossa. :'''Lemur''': '''''THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA ARE ATTACKING!!''' [screams] '''AAHHH!!''''' :''[Everyone all screamed and panic, the one of the lemurs jumps out the old airplane and the glass breaks apart.]'' :'''Lemur 2''': ''[holds up a book titled "To Serve Lemur"]'' [[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|It's a cookbook! '''''IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!!!''''']] :'''Julien''': All right! Please. Please, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': Shh! Quiet!! Come on, y'all. They're not attacking us this very instant. :''[All lemurs sigh in relief as Julien continues to...]'' :'''King Julien''': So, my genius plan is this: We will make the New York Giants our friends and keep them close. Then, with Mr. Alex protecting us, we will be safe and never have to worry about the dreaded fossa ever again! ''[Everyone all agrees.]'' I thought of that! I thought of that! Yes! Me! I did. :'''Maurice''': Hold on, hold on, everybody. Hold on. I'm just thinking now. I mean, does anyone wonder why the fossa were so scared of Mr. Alex? I mean, ''maybe'' we should be scared too. What if Mr. Alex is even worse than the fossa?! ''[Lemurs gasp in shock]'' I'm telling you, that dude just gives me the heebiedabajeebies! :'''King Julien''': Maurice, you did not raise your hand. Therefore, your heinous comment will be stricken from the record. ''[Chameleon uses the typewriter]'' Does anyone else have the heebie-jeebies? No? Good. So shut up. When the New York giants wake up, we will make sure that they wake up in paradise. ''[Laughing]'' Now, who would like a cookie? :''[All lemurs cheering for a cookie.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[And in the meantime at the beach, Alex makes the sign of "Help!", waiting for the boat that was hijacked by the penguins. And Marty tries to cheer up Alex for an apology]'' :'''Marty''': Yo, Al. Melman and Gloria are over there having a good time. There's room on the fun side for one more. :'''Alex''': No, thanks. :'''Marty''': Look, I've been thinking. Maybe if you gave this place a chance, I don't know, you might even enjoy yourself. :'''Alex''': Marty, I'm tired. I'm hungry. I just want to go home. :'''Marty''': Could you just give it a chance? Think about it. It really isn't the fun side without you. ''[Leaves away from Alex, The P breaks and falls apart, which now says "Hell".]'' ===Scene 13: Marty's Beach House=== :''[Alex comes to Marty's, sign says "No Soliciting"]'' :'''Everyone but Alex''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Melman''': I know. And then... ''[Alex knocks it]'' Shh. Shh. It's him. :'''Marty''': Who is it? :'''Alex''': It's the pizza man. Who the heck do you think it is? :'''Marty''': ''[opens the slot door and sees Alex's eye]'' Yes? Can I help you? :'''Alex''': Can I come to the fun side? :'''Marty''': ''[closes the slot door; opens the door a little bit which is locked]'' Beg your pardon? :'''Alex''': You know, I've been kind of a jerk, Marty. But I've been thinking about what you said, and... I'm sorry. :'''Marty''': ''[Closes the door. But unfortunately prepares to unlock and opens the door!]'' Welcome to Casa del Wild! Take a load off. Hey, hey, wipe your feet. :'''Gloria''': Alex! :'''Marty''': ''[In Spanish]'' Mi casa is su casa. :'''Alex''': Very impressive. :'''Marty''': Hey, have a drink. It's on the house. :'''Alex''': ''[Drinks the water from the coconut shell, but it's seawater instead of potable water and he spits it out! I can't drink this.]'' This is seawater. :'''Marty''': Oh, you don't swallow it. It's just temporary till the plumbing's done. Hey, y'all look hungry. How would you like some of nature's goodness? :'''Gloria''': You have food? :'''Marty''': The Fun Side Special, coming up. Seaweed on a stick. :'''Alex''': Seaweed? :'''Marty''': On a stick. Don't love it till you try it. :'''Melman''': That's unbelievable! :'''Gloria''': Mmm… So good. :'''Marty''': Well, thanks. It does kind of hit the spot, doesn't it? ''[Without roasting it, Alex coughs up seaweed, because he wants steak as a carnivore.]'' Well, maybe it could use a little lemon. :'''Alex''': No, it's great. It's really great. Doesn't get any better than this. :'''Marty''': Oh, but it does. Check this out. :''[He pulls down a lever, opening up the roof to show a view of the stars.]'' :'''Gloria''': Wow! Would you look at that? :'''Alex''': It's like billions and billions of helicopters. :'''Marty''': It's a shooting star. Make a wish. Quick! :'''Alex''': Ooh! How about a thick, juicy steak? :'''Marty''': You know what, Alex? I promise you I'm going to find you a steak tomorrow if it kills me. :'''Alex''': Thanks, Marty. :'''Melman''': ''[yawns]'' It is getting late. I guess I'm gonna... ''[snores]'' :'''Gloria''': I think I'm gonna hit the sack too. Sweet dreams, everyone. :''[Alex dreams of eating steak]'' :'''Marty''': ''[echoes]'' Alex. ''[Alex surprised; accidentally licks Marty as the others are shocked and confused]'' What are you doing? :'''Alex''': 27, 28, 29, 30. Hmm. 30. 30 black and only 29 white. Looks like you're black with white stripes after all. Dilemma solved. Good night. ''[pretends to sleep with his eyes open]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the trees, Julien and Maurice look below at the sleeping Alex with Marty, Melman and Gloria on the beach.]'' :'''King Julien''': You see, Maurice, Mr. Alex was grooming his friend. He is clearly a tender, loving thing. How can you have the heebie-jeebies for Mr. Alex? Look at him. He's so cute and plushy. :'''Maurice''': I don't think he was grooming him, Julien. Look more like he was tasting him to me. :'''King Julien''': Suit yourself, no matter. I don't care. Soon we will put my excellent plan to action. All we have to do is wait until they are deep in their sleep... ''[a long pause] '''HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!''''' :''[Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman thought there are lemurs, but they see nothing. So they have to go to sleep again.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Private''': ''[on finally arriving at Antarctica]'' Well, this sucks. ===Scene 14: Kidnapped/The Warm Welcome=== :''[Cut to black of the next morning]'' :'''King Julien''': Wake up, Mr. Alex. Wake up, Mr. Alex. Rise and shining. Wakey-waking, Mr. Alex! ''[Loudly]'' '''WAKE UP!!!! ALEX!!!!''' ''[Alex muffled gasp]'' You suck your thumb? :'''Alex''': AAH! :'''Everyone but Alex''': AAH!! :'''Everyone''': AAAAHH!!!! :''[Shocked, the zoo animals get up.]'' :'''Alex''': Where are we? What the heck is going on? :'''King Julien''': Take it easy. :'''Alex''': What is this? :'''Melman''': Who built a forest? :'''King Julien''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't be alarmed, giant freaks! While you were asleep, we simply took you to our little corner of heaven. Welcome to Madagascar. :'''Marty''': Madag-who-ah?! :'''Gloria''': What? :'''King Julien''': No, not who-ah, ascar. :''[The zoo animals stare from the open view of Madagascar.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty. It's... :'''Marty''': It's just like my mural back at the zoo. :'''Gloria''': Oh, no, fella, that is the real deal right there. :'''King Julien''': Look at that, that's not a bad view. :'''Alex''': I mean, that's the thing that you were always looking at, but it's actually there. I mean, that's like the real version of your... :'''Marty''': Hey, how about once around the park? Let's get our blood pumping, get those lungs breathing all this fresh air! Who's with me?! :'''Alex''': Ah, naw. I really, I don't think I could... You're it! :'''Marty''': Hey! Want to play around? Ho! Hey! :'''Alex''': Ha-ha! Oof! :'''Marty''': Got you there! Ha-ha! :'''Alex''': Come here! Ha-ha-ha! :'''Marty''': You're it! :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles]'' Hey, hey, hey! :'''Marty''': Hey, stop that! Hey, you’re crazy! :'''Alex''': OK, Marty, I'm it. I'm it. I'm it. You win. ''[Groans in exhaustion]'' :'''Marty''': Come on, Alex, get in the groove. :'''Alex''': I haven't eaten in two days. My blood sugar's real low. I just don't have the energy. :'''Marty''': I don't think that's your problem. First of all, that's not how you run in the wild. Let's go, man. Put the rubber to the road! You just have to let out that inner lion. Now, who's the cat? :'''Alex''': Marty, I really don't... :'''Marty''': You are, that's who. Come on! Here we go! That's it. Now let's build up some steam! :'''Alex''': Alright. :'''Marty''' You the cat. :'''Alex:''' Who's the cat? :'''Marty:''' You the cat. :''[Marty went up ahead whooping as Alex kept repeating "Who's the cat?" over and over again. His eyes lean close to Marty and his eyes changed of being crazy.]'' :'''Alex''': I'M THE CAT!! ''[Zooms against Marty]'' Surprise! :'''Marty''': '''Yahhh!!''' ''[Crashes with Alex]'' :'''Alex''': Hoo! You're it! You're it! Can't juke the cat. Cat's too quick! Whoo! Hoo-ha! Ooh, yeah! Hoo-ha! I feel like a mile-high pastrami on rye on the fly from the deli in the sky! Roww! Let's go wild! :'''Marty''': Now you're talking! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex and Marty are now doing the Tarzan Yell as they enter the wild party.]'' :'''Alex''': Whoo! Man! I feel, ha-ha-ha-ha, different! Noogie, noogie, noogie. Noogie, noogie, noogie! Whoo! Kind of charged up or something. Hoo! :'''Gloria''': Ah, Marty, Marty, Marty! Like you said, baby. :'''Alex''': It's Crack-a-lacking. Ain't that right, Melman? Whoo! :'''Melman''': Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm in heaven. :'''King Julien''': You see, Maurice, Alex is now our friend and the fossas are nowhere to be seen. It could be said that my plan is working in a very good working kind of way. :'''Alex''': Yeah! :'''Marty''': Alex. You got to try some of this. :''[Alex spits the pineapple to King Julien]'' :'''Alex''': I feel good. Feel like a king again! :'''King Julien''': ''[Throws the pineapple to Maurice]'' King? :'''Marty''': Yeah! You should see his act. Come on, Alex. Why don't you show him some of your act? :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles]'' Oh. No, I really don't think I could... OK. ===Scene 15: Alex Confuses Marty for Steak=== :''[Moments later, they have prepared a special ceremony to show Julien that lions are also kings.]'' :'''Marty''': Ladies and gentlemen, primates of all ages. The wild proudly presents: The king! :'''Both''': Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': ''[whispers]'' Ahhhh! :'''Marty''': E♭, fellas. :''[Fanfare playing in E♭]'' :'''Marty''': Yeah! The king is in the house! :'''King Julien''': See, if he is the king, then where is his crown? I've got a crown. Got a very nice one! And it's here on my head! Look at it! Have I got it on? :''[From the rocks, the fossa approached ready to eat the lemurs again, but they are surprised by Alex.]'' :'''Marty''': Do the roar, man! Do the roar! ''[Alex no longer use his normal roar, so instead, he uses the real roar, Marty, Melman, Gloria, King Julien, Maurice, Mort, and The Lemurs gasp in shock. Frightened, the fossas ran away again.]'' Wow. I've never heard that one before. Yeah! Go wild, man! Come on! Break out the wave! ''[Lemurs cheer. But unfortunately, since Alex hasn't eaten for along time, he thought the lemurs look like steaks to him. His claws show up and the camera switches to the lemur wave, but suddenly, screams, and the music stops! Everyone but Marty became shocked, the camera zooms out to show that Alex bit Marty on the butt and Mort happily claps for a short period.]'' Excuse me. You're biting my butt! :'''Alex''': ''[long pauses as his eyes go back to normal; muffled]'' No, I'm not. :'''Marty''': Yes, you are. ''[Alex spits and licks paws in the tongue]'' :'''Gloria''': Alex, what did you do? :'''Marty''': You just bit ''me'' on the butt! :'''Alex''': No, I didn't. Did I? :'''Melman''': You kind of did. :'''Marty''': ''He'' just bit me on the butt! What the heck is wrong with ''you''?! :'''Alex''': ''[stutters]'' I... Oh! Uh... :'''Marty''': Why'd you bite me? :'''Maurice''': ''[coming out of the crowd]'' Man, it's because you are ''his'' dinner. :'''Melman''': What?! :'''Gloria''': Excuse me?! :'''Melman''': That's dumb. :'''King Julien''': Come, come, Maurice. What is a simple bite on the buttocks among friends? ''[shakes his tail at Maurice]'' Here, gimme a nibble. :'''Maurice''': ''[pushes King Julien]'' The party is over, Julien. Your brilliant plan has failed. :'''Marty''': What are you talking about? :'''Maurice''': Your friend here is what we call a deluxe hunting and eating machine, and he eats steak... which is you. :'''Gloria''': Get out of here. :''[Julien thinks for a moment, realizing how selfish he was being and contemplates what Maurice had mentioned about Alex during the last night's meeting on the broken plane as it's so much for everyone not having the heebie jeebies. His uncle was right all along about the rule of helping outsiders to protect the kingdom that it got forbidden.]'' :'''King Julien''': Okey-dokey, Maurice. I admit it. The plan failed. All is lost! We are all doomed! The fossas will come back and gobble us with their mouths, because... we are all steak. :'''Mort''': ''[taking the steak statement as a compliment]'' I'm steak! Me-me-me-me-me-me-me! :'''Maurice''': Mr. Alex cannot stay here. He belongs with his own kind... ''[Alex's eyes dilate again and sees Julien, and turned into steak once again for his hunger]'' On the fossa side of the island. :'''King Julien''': ''[turned into steak]'' By the power vested in me, by the law of the jungle, ''[the lemurs, Mort, Marty, Melman, and Gloria turned into steak]'' blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... '''Be gone!!''' :'''Marty''': What? Come on, do I look like a steak to you? :'''Alex''': ''[seeing Marty as a steak through his vision]'' Yeah! :'''Marty''': See, I told you I don't look like a-- ''[mishears]'' Wait, wait, wh-- Wh-- What'd you say? :'''Alex''': Oh, yeah! ''[growls ferociously as he prepares to attack causing the lemurs and zoo animals to get scared]'' :'''Mort''': ''[the lemurs pretend to three wise monkeys; frightened]'' He's going savage... :'''King Julien''': '''Run for your lives!!''' ''[Everyone screams and runs away. Alex roars wildly, getting ready to devour them all.]'' :'''Gloria''': '''Marty, run!!''' :'''Marty''': '''Yahhh!!''' :''[The Fanfare of [[wikipedia:National Geographic|National Geographic]] plays as Alex is preparing to eat Marty once again, but Maurice throws a coconut to stop Alex and paralyze him to go back to normal!]'' :'''King Julien''': A bullseye! Excellent shot, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': Thank you. [[File:A Zebra running in a lush Ugandan savanna in Lake Mburo National Park 04.jpg|thumb|Marty? I'm so sorry, Marty.]] :''[Alex lifted up his head and Marty in steak form now turns to normal, while running away]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? I'm so sorry, Marty. What is wrong with ''me''?! Ow...! Oh, no. What I've done, It's true, I'm a monster. I gotta get out of here. ''[runs away]'' :''["What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong plays as Alex and his gang are going separate ways with Marty, Melman, and Gloria stop running while Alex running through the jungle gets his claws caught on leaves and then a tree. Alex pulls them out only for him to fall down a hill through jagged rocks, a field of flowers, and finally a cactus patch before landing on his feet with a cactus stuck on his back and falling into a river and screams while plummets down a waterfall. He arrives on the Fossa side of the island walks pass a few Fossas (who looked confused, seeing that Alex wasn’t going to eat them), the scene turns back to Marty, Melman and Gloria walks through the jungle witness how dangerous the wild can be such as a hummingbird flew into the snapdragon flowers only for it to be eaten and burps, while Alex uses his instruments to sharpen pieces of wood. Marty, Melman and Gloria saw a mouse escape from a snake, then gets caught by an eagle, and they spot a duckling as they get it to a lake but it gets eaten by a crocodile much to their shock. Alex sits on a rock in an enclosure resembling his from the zoo feeling sad and guilty. The others walk by the grassy field that Marty and Alex played on earlier while Marty looks long towards storm clouds rolling in, feeling guiltier and the circle of life in Madagascar is now broken.]'' ===Scene 16: The Wild=== :'''Marty''': What have I done? This is a nightmare! And it's all my fault. Now, because of me, we've lost Alex. :'''Melman''': Well, what are we going to do? :'''Gloria''': We'll find a way to help him. That's what we'll do. :'''Melman''': Oh! OK. :'''Gloria''': Come on, we are New Yorkers, right? :'''Marty''': Yeah. :'''Gloria''': We're tough. We're gritty. :'''Marty''': Yeah! :'''Gloria''': We're adaptable! :'''Marty''': Yeah!! :'''Gloria''': And we are not going to lay down like a bunch of Melmans! :'''Melman''': No, we're not. ''[horn blaring]'' Oh. Gloria. :'''Gloria''': That was not me, OK? That was the boat. The boat! :'''Marty''': The boat? The boat's come back for us! Come on, guys, we got to flag it down. :''[Marty, Melman, and Gloria race to the beach where they saw the boat, blaring harder and louder]'' :'''Marty''': There it is! :'''Melman''': Hey, over here! :'''Gloria''': Over here! :'''Marty''': Over here! Over here! Yo! Yo! Yo! :'''Gloria''': Melman, give me a lift. Hurry up! Lift me up! :'''Marty''': Help! Help! Help! :'''Melman''': Oh, my neck. My neck! My neck! You guys! Over here! :'''Gloria''': Over here! Melman! Steady. This way! :'''Marty''': Over here! :'''Melman''': You have no idea how much this hurts. :'''Marty''': Hey, boat! We're over here! ''[the three zoo animals are thuds]'' :'''Gloria''': Look! It's turning! It's coming back! IT'S COMING BACK! IT'S COMING BACK!! :'''Melman''': Yes! This way! Come on! Come on, baby! WHOO!! Yes, you guys! :'''Marty''': You guys flag down that boat. I’ll go get Alex. :'''Gloria''': ''[stopping Marty]'' Whoa! Hold on there. You cannot go back there by yourself. :'''Marty''': Aw, come on. I know Alex. He hears we're rescued, he'll snap right out of it. :'''Melman''': The people are coming. They can help us. :'''Gloria''': Melman's right. The people will know what to do. Now, come on. We got to flag down that boat. :''[The boat already approaches near the beach with a horn blaring to knockback the trees! And finally, the anchor crashes the sand as the penguins land on the beach.]'' :'''Skipper''': Now, this is more like it. :'''Gloria''': You?! Oh, ma-- Where are the people?! :'''Skipper''': We killed them and ate their livers. ''[Gloria looks horrified]'' Gotcha, didn't I? Just kidding, doll, the people are fine. They're on a slow boat to China. Hey! I know you two. Where's that psychotic lion, and our monochromatic friend? :'''Melman''': ''[he and Gloria looks back to see Marty missing]'' Marty? He's ri... Where'd he go? I thought he was right behind us. :'''Gloria''': ''[groans in frustration]'' He went back for Alex. ''He's'' gonna get himself killed! :'''Skipper''': Well, boys, our monochromatic friend's in danger. Looks like we have a job to do. ''[Private brings out a notebook and a red crayon]'' Captain's log: Embarking into hostile environment. Kowalski, we'll need to win the hearts and the minds of the natives. Rico, we'll need special tactical equipment. We're going to face extreme peril. Private probably won't survive. ''[a red crayon snaps, Private looks horrified]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Alex! Come out, Alex! The boat's here! We can go home! :''[The fossa see Marty, as if they are going to eat him; The dream appears many kid steaks that Alex wants them and his claws show up]'' :'''Kids''': ''[chanting]'' Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! :''[Alex eyes change like he's going to go crazy again, fearing that he will continue injuring his friends, retreats to foosa territory in isolation. Marty searches for him, excited]'' :'''Marty''': Alex! Alex. :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': Snap out of it, Alex. The boat came back. We can get out of here. We can go back to civilization, and everything will be just like it used to be. :'''Alex''': Stay back. Please. I'm a monster. :'''Marty''': Alex, you're no monster. You're my friend. We're a team. You and me, remember? :''[Alex tried to attack Marty, but the zebra scuttled back away from the crazed lion.]'' :'''Alex''': I don't want to hurt you. :'''Marty''': Alex. I ain't leaving without you. Alex? I'm thinking of a song. It's a wonderful song. I'm sure you're familiar with it. ''♪Start spreadin' the news. I'm leaving today. We are a great big part of it!♪'' Come on, you know the words. Two little words. Please don't make me sing this by myself. ''[go back to Alex's normal eyes again]'' You really don't want to hear me sing this by myself. ''[The fossa appeared from above the rocks]'' Uh, Alex? Could you come out here for a minute? Hey, Alex, a l-l-little help? '''''AAH!!! HELP ME!!! ALEX!! HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!''''' :'''Alex''': ''[a look of determination appears on face and eyes changed of being crazy yet again]'' ===Scene 17: The Fossas=== :''[Marty runs for his life as the fossa chase after him.]'' :'''Marty''': Help me!! Anybody, help me!! Somebody!! ''[a few fossa are on top of Marty, sprinkling salt on his rear]'' Ah! '''''HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!''''' :''[As the Fossa make a dog pile to eat Marty, Melman is swinging on a vine while doing a Tarzan Yell to save Marty.]'' :'''Marty''': Melman? :'''Melman''': That's right, baby. ''[Both crash into the rock]'' :'''Gloria''': '''''RUN!''''' :'''Marty''': What's the plan? :'''Gloria''': This is the plan! :'''Fossa''': Foosa hungry. Foosa eat. :'''Marty''': This is the plan?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': Foosa halt! :'''The Fossas''': Huh? ''[amazed by a flare Skipper has fired]'' Ooh. Foosa aaahh. Foosa ooh. Foosa aaahh. :'''Private''': Come and get it! :'''Fossa''': Foosa-Huh? :'''Gloria''': Take that! :'''Fossa''': Foosa ow! :'''Private''': There's too many of them, Skipper! :'''Skipper''': It's been a real pleasure serving with you, boys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Just then, they hear Alex roaring, preparing to trick the Fossa]'' :'''Marty''': Alex? ''[hits the Fossa's face]'' :'''Alex''': That's my kill! Mine. Alex hungry. Alex eat. ''[Unleashes his claws]'' Psst! ''[whispering]'' It's showtime. Thanks for not giving up on me, Marty. :'''Marty''': Man, you almost gave me a heart attack. You can't just come up here and sneak up on me. Just because you're a lion... ''[Muffled]'' Let go of me. Let go of me! :'''Alex''': Shh! We're getting out of here. Guys, just go with me on this. Like I said, it's showtime. Rrr! Mine! My kill! Rrahh! They're all mine!! ''[Roars as his gang start to scream]'' :'''Gloria''': <big><big>'''AAH!!! IT'S THE KING OF THE BEASTS!!!'''</big></big> Oh, no!! ''[screams]'' :'''Marty''': Don't eat me, Mr. Lion! :'''Melman''': He's scary! :'''Alex''': Fear me!! Savagery beyond comprehension! :'''Marty''': I am far too young to die! :'''Melman''': You're a monster! A monster, I say!! :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''''AND, YOU!!!'''''</big></big> :'''Fossa''': Me?! :''[Alex roars at the fossas as he and his friends defeat the fossas]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, you want some of this? ''[Grunts]'' You better run for your lives! :'''Marty''': Somebody call a cop! :'''Melman''': ''[hits the Fossa with his head like a golf]'' He's psychotic!!! :'''Alex''': ''[to the Fossas]'' This is '''''my''''' territory!!! '''Understand?!''' I ''never'', ''ever'' want to see ''you'' on my turf again!!! ''[with all his might, the beast roars at the fossa, causing them to be scared and run away]'' Boo. ''[The last fossa runs off with the rest of the pack]'' :'''Gloria''': Woo-hoo! :'''Marty''': Yeah! You the cat! :'''Gloria''': Got my boy back! :'''King Julien''': ''[Laughing triumphantly]'' I did it! Give me some love! The plan worked! The plan worked! I'm very clever! I'm the one, baby! Come on. Time to robot! ''[robot talking]'' I am very clever king. I am super genius. I am robot king of the monkey things. Compute, compute. :'''Alex''': So, what's for lunch? :''[Everyone but Alex is surprised, realizing that they haven’t eaten lunch yet. Cut to the island with Skipper and his penguins preparing a special meal.]'' ===Scene 18: A Special Snack for Alex=== :'''Skipper''': Close those eyes. :'''Alex''': Why do I have to close my eyes? :'''Skipper''': Do it. :'''Alex''': Yeah. They're closed. :'''Skipper''': Tighter. :'''Alex''': Yes, sir. :'''Skipper''': No peeking. :'''Alex''': Alright. They're closed. :'''Skipper''': Rico. :'''Rico''': ''[takes the fish; Does a karate chop with two knives; carves; slaps the bottom of the fish turns into 12 sushi fish and drops]'' Hai. ''[the tail drops on his head; the knife takes a sushi fish]'' :'''Skipper''': Open that hatch. :'''Alex''': Aah… :'''Skipper''': ''[the sushi fish puts inside Alex's mouth]'' Fire in the hole. ''[closes the Alex's mouth and chews]'' Now chew. Chew like you mean it! Savor it. :'''Alex''': Mmm… Mmm. :'''Marty''': And? :'''Gloria''': Well? :'''Melman''': Pretty good, right? :'''King Julien''': There's always Plan B. ''[Mort laughs]'' :'''Alex''': Mmm… Mmm. This is better than steak. I love it! I love it! :'''Skipper''': The kitty loves the fishy. ''[Kowalski and Private got a high-5 as everyone cheers]'' :'''Marty''': Well, I propose a toast. Now, he may be a pain in the butt at times... And trust me, I know. But this cat proved to me without a doubt that his heart is bigger than his stomach. To Alex. :'''Everyone''': To Alex! :''[Everyone spits out their seawater after drinking it]'' :'''King Julien''': Enough! Stop it! :'''Marty''': Well, what do you guys think? Should we head back to New York? :'''Alex''': I don't know, Marty. I mean, this is your dream. You sure you want to leave? :'''Marty''': I don't care where we are. As long as we're together, it doesn't matter to me. :'''Alex''': Well, in that case... ''[turns to Rico]'' Yo. Rico. I'll take 300 orders to go! :'''Rico''': Hai. :'''King Julien''': Yes, yes. But before you leave, I have an announcement to make. So shut up, everyone, please. Thank you. After much deep and profound brain things inside my head, I have decided to thank you for bringing peace to our home. ''[presents Alex with his crown]'' And to make you feel good, I'm gonna give you this lovely parting gift. :'''Alex''': Oh, no, really. I can't take your crown. :'''King Julien''': That's OK, I've got a bigger crown! It's got a gecko on it! Look at him shake! Go, Stevie, go! ===Scene 19: The Boat=== :'''Alex''': ''[waving to the lemurs]'' Bye, little fuzz buckets! :'''Gloria''': Thanks for everything! :'''Marty''': Bye! :'''Alex''': So long! :'''King Julien''': Okay, bye-bye, now. :'''Marty''': Arrivederci. :'''King Julien''': Bye-bye. :'''Maurice''': Toodle-oo! :'''Mort''': Bye! Goodbye! :'''King Julien''': See you later, crocodile. Maurice, my arm is tired. Wave it for me. Faster, you naughty little monkey! :'''Alex''': You know, by the time we get to New York, it’s gonna be the middle of winter. So I was just thinking, why rush? Maybe we could make a few side stops along the way? :'''Marty''': Maybe Paris. :'''Gloria''': Ooh! You just read my mind. :'''Alex''': I was thinking Spain. :'''Marty''': Yeah. Run with the bulls. :'''Gloria''': What about Fiji? :'''Melman''': Ooh! Canada. Can we? Cheap meds. Eh? Tsk, tsk. :'''Alex''': You know, I wouldn't even mind coming back here sometime. :'''Melman''': Yeah, I could do that. :'''Gloria''': You could say that again. I always wanted to go to Australia. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Private''': Skipper! Don't you think we should tell them that the boat's out of gas? :'''Skipper''': Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. ''[they wave at them, then cuts to the credits.]'' ===Scene 20: End Credits=== :''[In the post-credits scene, “I Like To Move It Move It” with every character dancing; The Gloria statue from Alex's Candy man dream shows up, but the sparkle is red & the glass stars are red too, ending the movie. The DWA 2004-2010 logo is shown, then cuts to black]'' == Taglines == * Someone's got a zoo loose. * They were not born in the wild. They were shipped there. * "Kitty misses the city." (Alex tagline) * "Black, white, and out of sight." (Marty tagline) * "On vacation without medication." (Melman tagline) * "Ton on the run." (Gloria tagline) * "They're cute. They're cuddly. They're deranged." (Lemurs tagline) * "It's all some kind of whacked out conspiracy." (Skipper tagline) == Cast == * [[w:Ben Stiller|Ben Stiller]] — Alex * [[w:Chris Rock|Chris Rock]] — Marty * [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]] — Melman * [[w:Jada Pinkett Smith|Jada Pinkett Smith]] — Gloria * [[w:Tom McGrath|Tom McGrath]] — Skipper * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] — Kowalski * [[w:Christopher Knights|Chris Knights]] — Private * [[w:Jeffrey Katzenberg|Jeffrey Katzenberg]] — Rico * [[w:Sacha Baron Cohen|Sacha Baron Cohen]] — King Julien * [[w:Cedric the Entertainer|Cedric the Entertainer]] — Maurice * [[w:Andy Richter|Andy Richter]] — Mort * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — Mason * [[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]] — Nana == See also == * [[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa|''Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa'']] * [[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted|''Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted'']] * [[The Penguins of Madagascar]] ** [[Penguins of Madagascar|''Penguins of Madagascar'' (film)]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0351283|title=Madagascar}} {{Madagascar}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2005 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2005 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Madagascar]] [[Category:Animated films set in New York City]] [[Category:Animated films set in Madagascar]] [[Category:Films directed by Eric Darnell]] [[Category:Animated films about lions]] [[Category:Animated films about penguins]] [[Category:Animated films about zebras]] [[Category:Animated films about giraffes]] [[Category:Animated films about hippopotamuses]] [[Category:Animated films about talking animals]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 5zcttxyotl6t832dayknfnrql3m8ljp 0 12675 3944556 3943348 2026-05-23T18:03:23Z ~2026-24235-41 3312576 /* */ 3944556 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea|The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]''''' is a 2009 British animated direct-to-video film produced and released by [[w:Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment|Walt Disney Home Video]] realsed on December 25 2009, as a sequel to the 2006 film, and as if part of the CITV movie club properly. Directed by Jim Kammerud and [[w:Brian Smith (director)|Brian Smith]], the story takes place over a decade after the original film, and focuses on [[w:Ariel (The Little Mermaid)|Ariel]]'s and [[w:Prince Eric|Eric]]'s daughter [[w:Characters of Disney's The Little Mermaid#Melody|Melody]], a human princess who longs to swim in the ocean despite her parents' law that the sea is forbidden to her. This sequel stars the voices of Jodi Benson as Ariel and melody's body, [[w:holly thomas|Holly thomas]] as Melody and roise, and [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] as Morgana, the film's new villain. == Melody == * ''[after finding out that Ariel is a mermaid]'' All this time, and... you never told me? * ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. ''['''Ariel''': Melody, no!]'' * ''[to Morgana]'' You tricked me. * Grandfather, I think this belongs to you. ''[throws Triton the trident]'' ''['''Triton''': Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ever!]'' * How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while whining and taking the wand back]'' == Ariel == * Don’t worry Daddy, Prince Eric is right, I couldn’t have known why I'm not keeping Melody from the sea, it's a part of her and a part of me. == King Triton == * Release my daughter, surrender my granddaughter, and I shall spare you! * ''['''Melody''': Grandfather, I think this belongs to you.]'' ''[Before using his trident to encase Morgana in a block of ice]'' Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ''EVER! [??]'' == Morgana == * One minute you're on top, the next you're sushi. ''[turns to Grimsby]'' Now is that fair, Gramps, I ask you? * You'll never find me! But I'll find you and your precious granddaughter! * Hungry? Afraid all I have is a cold plate. * ''[to Melody]'' You're not the only one with a mother who doesn't understand you. BELIEVE me. * Oh, wishes do come true. ''[to sky]'' SEE THAT, MA?! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE NOW?! * ''[last words]'' Mommy... == Sebastian == * Come back here! You're just like... like your mother. * ''(In another chase with Louis)'' ''['''Louis''': You're going in the bouillabaisse!]'' COME ON, NOW! NO, LOUIS! YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS, MAN! I'M old, I'm not tender anymore! * You know, when ''I'' was a teenager, you couldn't get me out of my shell for nothing. I had this ''HIGH SQUEAKY VOICE'' and these itty-bitty liddle pinchers! Then one day, BOOM! I sound like Caruso, and these ''WHOPPERS'' pop out! * All right, Sebastian. You must remain calm. This is not your fault. All you have to do is go in there and calmly explain that Melody has run away. No reason to lose your head. Whatever you do, you absolutely, positively, must not panic. ''[Hears Ariel call Melody]'' AAAAH!!! MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE!!!! * I'm too old for this! == Prince Eric == * Where's Melody?! What have you done with her?! == Tip == * ''[Repeated line]'' Another plan perfectly executed. * A fork? We're risking our tails for a fork? * Oh, sure, that's it. Take your time. Kick back. Relax. Let's all just '''''LINGER HERE AND DIE!''''' == Undertow == * MAKE WAY, LITTLE MERSHRIMP! I'M COMING THROUGH! * ''[After being shrunk]'' WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! LOOK AT ME! ''I'M AN ANCHOVY!!'' * ''[Confronting Tip and Dash; last words]'' Going somewhere, boys? == Chef Louis == * '''DEATH TO THE CRAB!!!''' ''['''Carlotta''': Oh, Louis.]'' == Dialogue == :'''Triton''': We shall not rest until that mad woman is vanquished! FIND HER!!! '''FIND HER!!!''' ''[fires lightning into the sky as an order and Morgana is nowhere to be found. Flounder and Sebastian are with Triton at the castle about Morgana's disappearance with terrible news]'' :'''Triton''': ''[gravely to Eric and Ariel]'' I'm sorry. There is no sign of her, she's vanished. ''[Ariel is worried and Melody crawls to the sea]'' We'll keep trying, we'll- :'''Ariel''': Sweetie, no. ''[pulls Melody out of the water]'' We need to keep Melody away from her until we find Morgana, it’s because Melody can't go to the sea...and neither can i. :'''Flounder''': But, Ariel... :'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, Flounder, but if Morgana is anything like Ursula, she'll never give up. ''[Melody taps on her magic wand]'' This is the only way; ''[takes the wand from her and puts melody on a alicorn's back]'' Melody can't know about Merpeople or Atlantica, or even you, Dad. ''[gives it back to Triton]'' :'''Triton''': ''[defeated]'' I suppose you're right. ''[turns to Sebastian]'' Sebastian you will watch over her. :'''Sebastian''': Me? ''[fainting]'' Aww! <hr width="50%"/> (Melody's body feels shocked when it sees melody about to ask) :'''Melody's body''': NOOOOO!!! (Covers its mouth) Oh. Wow. :'''Melody''': (too late) Good morning Scuttle, good morning Sebastian, listen to me, my name is Melody. A very good girl who likes ice cream. (looks at her alicorn) ok, alicorn, you CAN stay. (Resumes were she left off) right, uh.. What's kickin'?.. Also ariel though i was wearing something fashionsy and I didn't want my hair get messed up And my dress drity. :'''Scuttle''': Uh, what's kickin'? Hmm...let me see. ''[knocks himself on the head a few times while laughing]'' melody... (Melody giggles) ariel... Eric... (Pauses) Don't rush me. :'''Sebastian''': Ha! You know perfectly well what's kicking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sebastian''': Melody, child, how many times do i have to tell you? :'''Melody and Sebastian''': It is expressly forbidden for you to be swimming beyond the safety of the sea wall. :'''Melody''': ''[continuing to imitate him]'' Any such swimmin' is a reckless disregard of da rules. Don't ya know? :''[They are silent for a moment]'' :'''Sebastian''': ...Stop dat. :'''Melody''': Oh, Sebastian, I can't help it. I just love the sea! ''[splashes on Sebastian as she swims off]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hey! ''[sputters]'' Come back here! ''[into the water]'' You're just like- ''[stops and remembers]'' like your mother. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Morgana messes around with a spell for Undertow while Cloak and Dagger watch]'' :'''Morgana''': Ooh-Ooh-Hoo-Hoo, Trust me. This time, I'm sure I've got it right. :'''Undertow''': Yeah, that's what you said last time, and I was sore for a week. :'''Morgana''': Oh stop your carping and stand still. :'''Undertow''': ''[whimpering]'' Oh, this is gonna hurt. :''[Morgana casts the spell and a green lightning bolt hits Undertow. He starts getting bigger]'' :'''Morgana''': Yes. Yes! '''YES!''' :'''Undertow''': Uh-Oh. ''[the spell backfires, making Undertow small again, as a shrimp]'' Uh. :'''Morgana''': ''[trustrated]'' Huh. ''[throws another bottle into the cauldron and Undertow is turned into an unidentifiable gray fish]''. :'''Undertow''': Uh. ''[Morgana gets frustrated and and throws in more bottles, turning Undertow into something weird each time until he's back to being small]'' Ulp. :''[Cloak and Dagger laugh and snicker at Undertow]'' :'''Morgana''': Oh. It's just no use. The power of the trident is just too strong for me to overcome. :'''Undertow''': ''[under his breath]'' I bet Ursula could've done it. :'''Morgana''': What, was that, you said? :'''Undertow''': Nothing, I'm just saying. :'''Morgana''': ''[throws a vial at him, but misses]'' STOP, CRITICIZING ME! That's all my mother ever did was criticize me. It was always "Ursula this" and, "Ursula that" and "Morgana, why can't you be more like your sister '''''URSULA?!'''''" ''[hurls a starfish like a dart at a picture of Ursula]'' :'''Undertow''': Well, it's not Ursula's fault I got miniturized. IT'S YOURS! :'''Morgana''': It's not! :'''Undertow''': Your fault we had to hide out here for TWELVE FROST-BITTEN YEARS! :'''Morgana''': IT'S NOT! :'''Undertow''': YOUR FAULT WE CAN NEVER SHOW OUR FACES IN POLITE SOCIETY AGAIN! :'''Morgana''': You're really pushing it, Small-Fry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eric''': So we're having a bad hair day, huh? :'''Ariel''': If we were, you wouldn't be helping, would you? :'''Eric''': Well i'm just here to let you know, there are a lot of people downstairs. :'''Ariel''': Oh we'll be right down. Give us two minutes. :'''Eric''': Right, two minutes...Where have I heard that before? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': (wipes the dust off melody) Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry... For everything. I should had tided up the ballroom. Sorry. :'''Melody''': ''[whines while hugging ariel]'' but What's wrong with me?... On fahsion day!? How i'm gonna get honey from the bees or ice cream? :'''Ariel''': (hugs melody) Oh, nothing's wrong with you and has questions about honey or ice cream. :'''Melody''': mommy, I'm the princess of disaster! Also not to mention that Santa does not makes 26 Christmas gitfs everynight! (Why?!) All because of a laughing crowd! And, and... Without bees, there will be no honey or flowers all day! And.. That's not all, my ice cream themed fashion show is almost started! :'''Ariel''': (to melody's big sister, rosie) roise? (then stops melody) Being a teenager is hard, and, uh, all kids your age feel...awkward, and... :'''Melody''': IT'S NOT MY FAULT! The first time i was a pretty girl! Oh. Somehow my alicorn was here, and.. ''[looking at her magic wand]'' "Melody"? What is this? My name is on here that you cheered me up. ''[waves the wand and magic comes out]'' That magic. Where have I heard this song? It's Atlantica, with merpeople and everything. Mama, you always said it was just an old fish tale. :'''Ariel''': Where did you get this? :'''Melody''': I - I found it. :'''Ariel''': ''[upset]'' You went over the wall, didn't you? :'''Melody''': Actually, i went ''under'' it. I hate that stupid wall. :'''Ariel''': Melody, you know you're not allowed in the sea! :'''Melody''': But why, and why does that wand my name on it? :'''Ariel''': Melody, listen to me. :'''Melody''': You're hiding something from me. :'''Ariel''': ''[looks wide-eyed. She closes her eyes tightly and grits her teeth angrily]'' You deliberately disobeyed me! I never want you going out there again. Do you hear me? It's dangerous in the sea! :'''Melody''': How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while whining and taking the wand back]'' :'''Ariel''': M-Melody, I... ''[Eric comes in but steps aside as his daughter Melody runs off in tears; sighs]'' Oh, no. :'''Eric''': Ariel, darling, we knew this day would come. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric. You're right. It's time I trusted her with the truth. :'''Ariel''': Melody, are you sleepy? Oh, well let's get to the sailboat for a nap. :'''Melody''':thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melody''': (riding on her alicorn with ariel) Hi. I'm Melody. :'''Dash''': This here's Tip, and I'm Dash. :'''Tip''': Excuse me, Mr. I-Spill-My-Guts-To-Total-Strangers. You just blew our cover! :'''Dash''': I was just trying to be friendly. :'''Melody''': Guys, I really have to get going, so if you could... :'''Dash''': Aww, see? Now she's gonna leave, and it's all your fault. :'''Tip''': MY FAULT?! She's...She's probably allergic to blubber! :'''Dash''': Oh yeah? Well...maybe she doesn't like '''''BIRDS THAT CAN'T FLY!''''' :''[Tip gasps dramatically]'' :'''Melody''': Guys... :'''Tip''': Well, you can't fly, either! :'''Dash''': And...you walk funny. :'''Melody''': Guys! :'''Tip''': OH, ''YEAH?!'' Well...um...'''''YOU CAN'T FLY EITHER!''''' :'''Melody''': ''''GUYS!''''' ''[the bickering duo finally stop]'' Do either of you know how to get to Atlantica? I don't have much time. :'''Dash''': Why do you want to go to Atlantica? :'''Melody''': I have to get something that was stolen from a friend. ''[shows them her tail]'' If not...I'll turn back into a... :'''Dash''': A what? Turn back into a what? :'''Melody''': A human. :'''Tip''': ''[startled gasp]'' I knew there was something UN-fishy about you! ''[turns to leave]'' Tough break, sister. Drop us a line. Let us know how it all turns out. :'''Dash''': ''[stops Tip with a fore-flipper and turns him around]'' We'll take you! :'''Melody''': You will? :'''Tip''': We will?! :'''Dash''': She's a damsel in distress. It's our big chance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the young fish, who looks like Flounder]'' Flounder! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Flounder's Son''': ''[struggles and swims away]'' DADDY!!! :'''Flounder''': ''[offscreen]'' Now what? ''[appears as an adult, with his son who's behind him]'' :'''Ariel''': Sorry. :'''Flounder''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Flounder? :'''Flounder''': Ariel!! :'''Ariel''': ''[hugs her old friend]'' Oh, I've missed you! Boy, you're sure not a guppy anymore. :'''Flounder''': You can say that again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Children, what did I say about playing "kick the clam" on the reef? :'''Flounder's Son''': Sorry, Dad. :'''Flounder''': Uh, kids. ''[to Ariel]'' I'm sorry about Melody. :'''Ariel''': Flounder, I really need your help. :'''Flounder''': Wild sea horses couldn't stop me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': C'mon, Miss Popularity. We have a previous engagement, remember? ''[drags Melody away]'' :'''Merboy''': Was that a...penguin? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel tries to stop Melody from giving Morgana Triton's trident]'' :'''Ariel''': Melody, don't! :'''Melody''': Mommy! :'''Ariel''': Don't listen to her, and–! :''[Both Melody and Ariel are surprised to see each other as mermaids]'' :'''Ariel and Melody''': You're a mermaid? :'''Morgana''': Ariel, how nice of you to come, and you've brought Flopper with you. :'''Flounder''': My name is Flounder. :'''Undertow''': Grrr! :'''Flounder''': "Grrr" yourself, pipsqueak! :'''Undertow''': Get that thing and hit me. One bite, and he's shrimp toast. :'''Melody''': ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. :'''Ariel''': Melody, no stop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': We're guppies, man. Jellyfish. :'''Dash''': The great Tip and Dash: cowards-slash-losers. :'''Tip''': ''[has an idea]'' Okay, on the one hand, we can live a long, healthy life; albeit as disgusting, pathetic, cowardly...uh... :'''Dash''': Worms? :'''Tip''': That's good! Good. Cowardly worms. On the other hand, we could gather our courage, if we had any, and storm the fortress and be heroes! :'''Dash''': Yeah. Until they hack us up into fishbait! :'''Tip''': You're right. :''[Strange green lights begin to flash from Morgana's iceberg lair]'' :'''Dash''': ''[gasps]'' Melody's in there. She might be in big trouble! She might really need our help! :'''Tip''': So what's it gonna be? A lifetime as worms...or two minutes as heroes? == Cast == * [[w:Holly thomas|Holly thomas]] — Меlody/rosie * [[Jodi Benson]] — Ariel/melody's body * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Sebastian * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] — Cleo * [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] — Morgana * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — King Triton * [[w:Stephen Furst|Stephen Furst]] — Dash * [[w:Max Casella|Max Casella]] — Tip * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] — Eric * [[Clancy Brown]] — Undertow * [[w:Cam Clarke|Cameron A. Clarke]] — Flounder * [[w:René Auberjonois|René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Kay E. Kuter|Kay Kuter]] — Grimsby * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Carlotta * [[Frank Welker]] — Max the Sheepdog == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0240684| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=little_mermaid_ii_the_return_to_the_sea| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea, The}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:2000 animated films|Little Mermaid II, The]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:Animated films about mother–daughter relationships]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] hmda283jouylfdf3bzmkvm4ef74hj42 3944560 3944556 2026-05-23T18:16:53Z ~2026-24235-41 3312576 /* Cast */ 3944560 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea|The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]''''' is a 2009 British animated direct-to-video film produced and released by [[w:Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment|Walt Disney Home Video]] realsed on December 25 2009, as a sequel to the 2006 film, and as if part of the CITV movie club properly. Directed by Jim Kammerud and [[w:Brian Smith (director)|Brian Smith]], the story takes place over a decade after the original film, and focuses on [[w:Ariel (The Little Mermaid)|Ariel]]'s and [[w:Prince Eric|Eric]]'s daughter [[w:Characters of Disney's The Little Mermaid#Melody|Melody]], a human princess who longs to swim in the ocean despite her parents' law that the sea is forbidden to her. This sequel stars the voices of Jodi Benson as Ariel and melody's body, [[w:holly thomas|Holly thomas]] as Melody and roise, and [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] as Morgana, the film's new villain. == Melody == * ''[after finding out that Ariel is a mermaid]'' All this time, and... you never told me? * ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. ''['''Ariel''': Melody, no!]'' * ''[to Morgana]'' You tricked me. * Grandfather, I think this belongs to you. ''[throws Triton the trident]'' ''['''Triton''': Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ever!]'' * How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while whining and taking the wand back]'' == Ariel == * Don’t worry Daddy, Prince Eric is right, I couldn’t have known why I'm not keeping Melody from the sea, it's a part of her and a part of me. == King Triton == * Release my daughter, surrender my granddaughter, and I shall spare you! * ''['''Melody''': Grandfather, I think this belongs to you.]'' ''[Before using his trident to encase Morgana in a block of ice]'' Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ''EVER! [??]'' == Morgana == * One minute you're on top, the next you're sushi. ''[turns to Grimsby]'' Now is that fair, Gramps, I ask you? * You'll never find me! But I'll find you and your precious granddaughter! * Hungry? Afraid all I have is a cold plate. * ''[to Melody]'' You're not the only one with a mother who doesn't understand you. BELIEVE me. * Oh, wishes do come true. ''[to sky]'' SEE THAT, MA?! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE NOW?! * ''[last words]'' Mommy... == Sebastian == * Come back here! You're just like... like your mother. * ''(In another chase with Louis)'' ''['''Louis''': You're going in the bouillabaisse!]'' COME ON, NOW! NO, LOUIS! YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS, MAN! I'M old, I'm not tender anymore! * You know, when ''I'' was a teenager, you couldn't get me out of my shell for nothing. I had this ''HIGH SQUEAKY VOICE'' and these itty-bitty liddle pinchers! Then one day, BOOM! I sound like Caruso, and these ''WHOPPERS'' pop out! * All right, Sebastian. You must remain calm. This is not your fault. All you have to do is go in there and calmly explain that Melody has run away. No reason to lose your head. Whatever you do, you absolutely, positively, must not panic. ''[Hears Ariel call Melody]'' AAAAH!!! MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE!!!! * I'm too old for this! == Prince Eric == * Where's Melody?! What have you done with her?! == Tip == * ''[Repeated line]'' Another plan perfectly executed. * A fork? We're risking our tails for a fork? * Oh, sure, that's it. Take your time. Kick back. Relax. Let's all just '''''LINGER HERE AND DIE!''''' == Undertow == * MAKE WAY, LITTLE MERSHRIMP! I'M COMING THROUGH! * ''[After being shrunk]'' WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! LOOK AT ME! ''I'M AN ANCHOVY!!'' * ''[Confronting Tip and Dash; last words]'' Going somewhere, boys? == Chef Louis == * '''DEATH TO THE CRAB!!!''' ''['''Carlotta''': Oh, Louis.]'' == Dialogue == :'''Triton''': We shall not rest until that mad woman is vanquished! FIND HER!!! '''FIND HER!!!''' ''[fires lightning into the sky as an order and Morgana is nowhere to be found. Flounder and Sebastian are with Triton at the castle about Morgana's disappearance with terrible news]'' :'''Triton''': ''[gravely to Eric and Ariel]'' I'm sorry. There is no sign of her, she's vanished. ''[Ariel is worried and Melody crawls to the sea]'' We'll keep trying, we'll- :'''Ariel''': Sweetie, no. ''[pulls Melody out of the water]'' We need to keep Melody away from her until we find Morgana, it’s because Melody can't go to the sea...and neither can i. :'''Flounder''': But, Ariel... :'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, Flounder, but if Morgana is anything like Ursula, she'll never give up. ''[Melody taps on her magic wand]'' This is the only way; ''[takes the wand from her and puts melody on a alicorn's back]'' Melody can't know about Merpeople or Atlantica, or even you, Dad. ''[gives it back to Triton]'' :'''Triton''': ''[defeated]'' I suppose you're right. ''[turns to Sebastian]'' Sebastian you will watch over her. :'''Sebastian''': Me? ''[fainting]'' Aww! <hr width="50%"/> (Melody's body feels shocked when it sees melody about to ask) :'''Melody's body''': NOOOOO!!! (Covers its mouth) Oh. Wow. :'''Melody''': (too late) Good morning Scuttle, good morning Sebastian, listen to me, my name is Melody. A very good girl who likes ice cream. (looks at her alicorn) ok, alicorn, you CAN stay. (Resumes were she left off) right, uh.. What's kickin'?.. Also ariel though i was wearing something fashionsy and I didn't want my hair get messed up And my dress drity. :'''Scuttle''': Uh, what's kickin'? Hmm...let me see. ''[knocks himself on the head a few times while laughing]'' melody... (Melody giggles) ariel... Eric... (Pauses) Don't rush me. :'''Sebastian''': Ha! You know perfectly well what's kicking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sebastian''': Melody, child, how many times do i have to tell you? :'''Melody and Sebastian''': It is expressly forbidden for you to be swimming beyond the safety of the sea wall. :'''Melody''': ''[continuing to imitate him]'' Any such swimmin' is a reckless disregard of da rules. Don't ya know? :''[They are silent for a moment]'' :'''Sebastian''': ...Stop dat. :'''Melody''': Oh, Sebastian, I can't help it. I just love the sea! ''[splashes on Sebastian as she swims off]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hey! ''[sputters]'' Come back here! ''[into the water]'' You're just like- ''[stops and remembers]'' like your mother. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Morgana messes around with a spell for Undertow while Cloak and Dagger watch]'' :'''Morgana''': Ooh-Ooh-Hoo-Hoo, Trust me. This time, I'm sure I've got it right. :'''Undertow''': Yeah, that's what you said last time, and I was sore for a week. :'''Morgana''': Oh stop your carping and stand still. :'''Undertow''': ''[whimpering]'' Oh, this is gonna hurt. :''[Morgana casts the spell and a green lightning bolt hits Undertow. He starts getting bigger]'' :'''Morgana''': Yes. Yes! '''YES!''' :'''Undertow''': Uh-Oh. ''[the spell backfires, making Undertow small again, as a shrimp]'' Uh. :'''Morgana''': ''[trustrated]'' Huh. ''[throws another bottle into the cauldron and Undertow is turned into an unidentifiable gray fish]''. :'''Undertow''': Uh. ''[Morgana gets frustrated and and throws in more bottles, turning Undertow into something weird each time until he's back to being small]'' Ulp. :''[Cloak and Dagger laugh and snicker at Undertow]'' :'''Morgana''': Oh. It's just no use. The power of the trident is just too strong for me to overcome. :'''Undertow''': ''[under his breath]'' I bet Ursula could've done it. :'''Morgana''': What, was that, you said? :'''Undertow''': Nothing, I'm just saying. :'''Morgana''': ''[throws a vial at him, but misses]'' STOP, CRITICIZING ME! That's all my mother ever did was criticize me. It was always "Ursula this" and, "Ursula that" and "Morgana, why can't you be more like your sister '''''URSULA?!'''''" ''[hurls a starfish like a dart at a picture of Ursula]'' :'''Undertow''': Well, it's not Ursula's fault I got miniturized. IT'S YOURS! :'''Morgana''': It's not! :'''Undertow''': Your fault we had to hide out here for TWELVE FROST-BITTEN YEARS! :'''Morgana''': IT'S NOT! :'''Undertow''': YOUR FAULT WE CAN NEVER SHOW OUR FACES IN POLITE SOCIETY AGAIN! :'''Morgana''': You're really pushing it, Small-Fry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eric''': So we're having a bad hair day, huh? :'''Ariel''': If we were, you wouldn't be helping, would you? :'''Eric''': Well i'm just here to let you know, there are a lot of people downstairs. :'''Ariel''': Oh we'll be right down. Give us two minutes. :'''Eric''': Right, two minutes...Where have I heard that before? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': (wipes the dust off melody) Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry... For everything. I should had tided up the ballroom. Sorry. :'''Melody''': ''[whines while hugging ariel]'' but What's wrong with me?... On fahsion day!? How i'm gonna get honey from the bees or ice cream? :'''Ariel''': (hugs melody) Oh, nothing's wrong with you and has questions about honey or ice cream. :'''Melody''': mommy, I'm the princess of disaster! Also not to mention that Santa does not makes 26 Christmas gitfs everynight! (Why?!) All because of a laughing crowd! And, and... Without bees, there will be no honey or flowers all day! And.. That's not all, my ice cream themed fashion show is almost started! :'''Ariel''': (to melody's big sister, rosie) roise? (then stops melody) Being a teenager is hard, and, uh, all kids your age feel...awkward, and... :'''Melody''': IT'S NOT MY FAULT! The first time i was a pretty girl! Oh. Somehow my alicorn was here, and.. ''[looking at her magic wand]'' "Melody"? What is this? My name is on here that you cheered me up. ''[waves the wand and magic comes out]'' That magic. Where have I heard this song? It's Atlantica, with merpeople and everything. Mama, you always said it was just an old fish tale. :'''Ariel''': Where did you get this? :'''Melody''': I - I found it. :'''Ariel''': ''[upset]'' You went over the wall, didn't you? :'''Melody''': Actually, i went ''under'' it. I hate that stupid wall. :'''Ariel''': Melody, you know you're not allowed in the sea! :'''Melody''': But why, and why does that wand my name on it? :'''Ariel''': Melody, listen to me. :'''Melody''': You're hiding something from me. :'''Ariel''': ''[looks wide-eyed. She closes her eyes tightly and grits her teeth angrily]'' You deliberately disobeyed me! I never want you going out there again. Do you hear me? It's dangerous in the sea! :'''Melody''': How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while whining and taking the wand back]'' :'''Ariel''': M-Melody, I... ''[Eric comes in but steps aside as his daughter Melody runs off in tears; sighs]'' Oh, no. :'''Eric''': Ariel, darling, we knew this day would come. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric. You're right. It's time I trusted her with the truth. :'''Ariel''': Melody, are you sleepy? Oh, well let's get to the sailboat for a nap. :'''Melody''':thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melody''': (riding on her alicorn with ariel) Hi. I'm Melody. :'''Dash''': This here's Tip, and I'm Dash. :'''Tip''': Excuse me, Mr. I-Spill-My-Guts-To-Total-Strangers. You just blew our cover! :'''Dash''': I was just trying to be friendly. :'''Melody''': Guys, I really have to get going, so if you could... :'''Dash''': Aww, see? Now she's gonna leave, and it's all your fault. :'''Tip''': MY FAULT?! She's...She's probably allergic to blubber! :'''Dash''': Oh yeah? Well...maybe she doesn't like '''''BIRDS THAT CAN'T FLY!''''' :''[Tip gasps dramatically]'' :'''Melody''': Guys... :'''Tip''': Well, you can't fly, either! :'''Dash''': And...you walk funny. :'''Melody''': Guys! :'''Tip''': OH, ''YEAH?!'' Well...um...'''''YOU CAN'T FLY EITHER!''''' :'''Melody''': ''''GUYS!''''' ''[the bickering duo finally stop]'' Do either of you know how to get to Atlantica? I don't have much time. :'''Dash''': Why do you want to go to Atlantica? :'''Melody''': I have to get something that was stolen from a friend. ''[shows them her tail]'' If not...I'll turn back into a... :'''Dash''': A what? Turn back into a what? :'''Melody''': A human. :'''Tip''': ''[startled gasp]'' I knew there was something UN-fishy about you! ''[turns to leave]'' Tough break, sister. Drop us a line. Let us know how it all turns out. :'''Dash''': ''[stops Tip with a fore-flipper and turns him around]'' We'll take you! :'''Melody''': You will? :'''Tip''': We will?! :'''Dash''': She's a damsel in distress. It's our big chance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the young fish, who looks like Flounder]'' Flounder! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Flounder's Son''': ''[struggles and swims away]'' DADDY!!! :'''Flounder''': ''[offscreen]'' Now what? ''[appears as an adult, with his son who's behind him]'' :'''Ariel''': Sorry. :'''Flounder''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Flounder? :'''Flounder''': Ariel!! :'''Ariel''': ''[hugs her old friend]'' Oh, I've missed you! Boy, you're sure not a guppy anymore. :'''Flounder''': You can say that again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Children, what did I say about playing "kick the clam" on the reef? :'''Flounder's Son''': Sorry, Dad. :'''Flounder''': Uh, kids. ''[to Ariel]'' I'm sorry about Melody. :'''Ariel''': Flounder, I really need your help. :'''Flounder''': Wild sea horses couldn't stop me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': C'mon, Miss Popularity. We have a previous engagement, remember? ''[drags Melody away]'' :'''Merboy''': Was that a...penguin? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel tries to stop Melody from giving Morgana Triton's trident]'' :'''Ariel''': Melody, don't! :'''Melody''': Mommy! :'''Ariel''': Don't listen to her, and–! :''[Both Melody and Ariel are surprised to see each other as mermaids]'' :'''Ariel and Melody''': You're a mermaid? :'''Morgana''': Ariel, how nice of you to come, and you've brought Flopper with you. :'''Flounder''': My name is Flounder. :'''Undertow''': Grrr! :'''Flounder''': "Grrr" yourself, pipsqueak! :'''Undertow''': Get that thing and hit me. One bite, and he's shrimp toast. :'''Melody''': ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. :'''Ariel''': Melody, no stop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': We're guppies, man. Jellyfish. :'''Dash''': The great Tip and Dash: cowards-slash-losers. :'''Tip''': ''[has an idea]'' Okay, on the one hand, we can live a long, healthy life; albeit as disgusting, pathetic, cowardly...uh... :'''Dash''': Worms? :'''Tip''': That's good! Good. Cowardly worms. On the other hand, we could gather our courage, if we had any, and storm the fortress and be heroes! :'''Dash''': Yeah. Until they hack us up into fishbait! :'''Tip''': You're right. :''[Strange green lights begin to flash from Morgana's iceberg lair]'' :'''Dash''': ''[gasps]'' Melody's in there. She might be in big trouble! She might really need our help! :'''Tip''': So what's it gonna be? A lifetime as worms...or two minutes as heroes? == Cast == * [[w:Holly thomas|Holly thomas]] — Меlody/rosie * [[isabella foy]] — Ariel/melody's body * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Sebastian * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] — Cleo * [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] — Morgana * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — King Triton * [[w:Stephen Furst|Stephen Furst]] — Dash * [[w:Max Casella|Max Casella]] — Tip * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] — Eric * [[Clancy Brown]] — Undertow * [[w:Cam Clarke|Cameron A. Clarke]] — Flounder * [[w:René Auberjonois|René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Kay E. Kuter|Kay Kuter]] — Grimsby * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Carlotta * [[Frank Welker]] — Max the Sheepdog == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0240684| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=little_mermaid_ii_the_return_to_the_sea| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea, The}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:2000 animated films|Little Mermaid II, The]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:Animated films about mother–daughter relationships]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] 5o0qoh2eje2qic3elh6zys9ngyf1ugy 3944561 3944560 2026-05-23T18:18:08Z ~2026-24235-41 3312576 /* */ 3944561 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea|The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]''''' is a 2009 British animated direct-to-video film produced and released by [[w:Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment|Walt Disney Home Video]] realsed on December 25 2009, as a sequel to the 2006 film, and as if part of the CITV movie club properly. Directed by Jim Kammerud and [[w:Brian Smith (director)|Brian Smith]], the story takes place over a decade after the original film, and focuses on [[w:Ariel (The Little Mermaid)|Ariel]]'s and [[w:Prince Eric|Eric]]'s daughter [[w:Characters of Disney's The Little Mermaid#Melody|Melody]], a human princess who longs to swim in the ocean despite her parents' law that the sea is forbidden to her. This sequel stars the voices of isabella foy as Ariel and melody's body, [[w:holly thomas|Holly thomas]] as Melody and roise, and [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] as Morgana, the film's new villain. == Melody == * ''[after finding out that Ariel is a mermaid]'' All this time, and... you never told me? * ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. ''['''Ariel''': Melody, no!]'' * ''[to Morgana]'' You tricked me. * Grandfather, I think this belongs to you. ''[throws Triton the trident]'' ''['''Triton''': Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ever!]'' * How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while whining and taking the wand back]'' == Ariel == * Don’t worry Daddy, Prince Eric is right, I couldn’t have known why I'm not keeping Melody from the sea, it's a part of her and a part of me. == King Triton == * Release my daughter, surrender my granddaughter, and I shall spare you! * ''['''Melody''': Grandfather, I think this belongs to you.]'' ''[Before using his trident to encase Morgana in a block of ice]'' Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ''EVER! [??]'' == Morgana == * One minute you're on top, the next you're sushi. ''[turns to Grimsby]'' Now is that fair, Gramps, I ask you? * You'll never find me! But I'll find you and your precious granddaughter! * Hungry? Afraid all I have is a cold plate. * ''[to Melody]'' You're not the only one with a mother who doesn't understand you. BELIEVE me. * Oh, wishes do come true. ''[to sky]'' SEE THAT, MA?! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE NOW?! * ''[last words]'' Mommy... == Sebastian == * Come back here! You're just like... like your mother. * ''(In another chase with Louis)'' ''['''Louis''': You're going in the bouillabaisse!]'' COME ON, NOW! NO, LOUIS! YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS, MAN! I'M old, I'm not tender anymore! * You know, when ''I'' was a teenager, you couldn't get me out of my shell for nothing. I had this ''HIGH SQUEAKY VOICE'' and these itty-bitty liddle pinchers! Then one day, BOOM! I sound like Caruso, and these ''WHOPPERS'' pop out! * All right, Sebastian. You must remain calm. This is not your fault. All you have to do is go in there and calmly explain that Melody has run away. No reason to lose your head. Whatever you do, you absolutely, positively, must not panic. ''[Hears Ariel call Melody]'' AAAAH!!! MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE!!!! * I'm too old for this! == Prince Eric == * Where's Melody?! What have you done with her?! == Tip == * ''[Repeated line]'' Another plan perfectly executed. * A fork? We're risking our tails for a fork? * Oh, sure, that's it. Take your time. Kick back. Relax. Let's all just '''''LINGER HERE AND DIE!''''' == Undertow == * MAKE WAY, LITTLE MERSHRIMP! I'M COMING THROUGH! * ''[After being shrunk]'' WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! LOOK AT ME! ''I'M AN ANCHOVY!!'' * ''[Confronting Tip and Dash; last words]'' Going somewhere, boys? == Chef Louis == * '''DEATH TO THE CRAB!!!''' ''['''Carlotta''': Oh, Louis.]'' == Dialogue == :'''Triton''': We shall not rest until that mad woman is vanquished! FIND HER!!! '''FIND HER!!!''' ''[fires lightning into the sky as an order and Morgana is nowhere to be found. Flounder and Sebastian are with Triton at the castle about Morgana's disappearance with terrible news]'' :'''Triton''': ''[gravely to Eric and Ariel]'' I'm sorry. There is no sign of her, she's vanished. ''[Ariel is worried and Melody crawls to the sea]'' We'll keep trying, we'll- :'''Ariel''': Sweetie, no. ''[pulls Melody out of the water]'' We need to keep Melody away from her until we find Morgana, it’s because Melody can't go to the sea...and neither can i. :'''Flounder''': But, Ariel... :'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, Flounder, but if Morgana is anything like Ursula, she'll never give up. ''[Melody taps on her magic wand]'' This is the only way; ''[takes the wand from her and puts melody on a alicorn's back]'' Melody can't know about Merpeople or Atlantica, or even you, Dad. ''[gives it back to Triton]'' :'''Triton''': ''[defeated]'' I suppose you're right. ''[turns to Sebastian]'' Sebastian you will watch over her. :'''Sebastian''': Me? ''[fainting]'' Aww! <hr width="50%"/> (Melody's body feels shocked when it sees melody about to ask) :'''Melody's body''': NOOOOO!!! (Covers its mouth) Oh. Wow. :'''Melody''': (too late) Good morning Scuttle, good morning Sebastian, listen to me, my name is Melody. A very good girl who likes ice cream. (looks at her alicorn) ok, alicorn, you CAN stay. (Resumes were she left off) right, uh.. What's kickin'?.. Also ariel though i was wearing something fashionsy and I didn't want my hair get messed up And my dress drity. :'''Scuttle''': Uh, what's kickin'? Hmm...let me see. ''[knocks himself on the head a few times while laughing]'' melody... (Melody giggles) ariel... Eric... (Pauses) Don't rush me. :'''Sebastian''': Ha! You know perfectly well what's kicking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sebastian''': Melody, child, how many times do i have to tell you? :'''Melody and Sebastian''': It is expressly forbidden for you to be swimming beyond the safety of the sea wall. :'''Melody''': ''[continuing to imitate him]'' Any such swimmin' is a reckless disregard of da rules. Don't ya know? :''[They are silent for a moment]'' :'''Sebastian''': ...Stop dat. :'''Melody''': Oh, Sebastian, I can't help it. I just love the sea! ''[splashes on Sebastian as she swims off]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hey! ''[sputters]'' Come back here! ''[into the water]'' You're just like- ''[stops and remembers]'' like your mother. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Morgana messes around with a spell for Undertow while Cloak and Dagger watch]'' :'''Morgana''': Ooh-Ooh-Hoo-Hoo, Trust me. This time, I'm sure I've got it right. :'''Undertow''': Yeah, that's what you said last time, and I was sore for a week. :'''Morgana''': Oh stop your carping and stand still. :'''Undertow''': ''[whimpering]'' Oh, this is gonna hurt. :''[Morgana casts the spell and a green lightning bolt hits Undertow. He starts getting bigger]'' :'''Morgana''': Yes. Yes! '''YES!''' :'''Undertow''': Uh-Oh. ''[the spell backfires, making Undertow small again, as a shrimp]'' Uh. :'''Morgana''': ''[trustrated]'' Huh. ''[throws another bottle into the cauldron and Undertow is turned into an unidentifiable gray fish]''. :'''Undertow''': Uh. ''[Morgana gets frustrated and and throws in more bottles, turning Undertow into something weird each time until he's back to being small]'' Ulp. :''[Cloak and Dagger laugh and snicker at Undertow]'' :'''Morgana''': Oh. It's just no use. The power of the trident is just too strong for me to overcome. :'''Undertow''': ''[under his breath]'' I bet Ursula could've done it. :'''Morgana''': What, was that, you said? :'''Undertow''': Nothing, I'm just saying. :'''Morgana''': ''[throws a vial at him, but misses]'' STOP, CRITICIZING ME! That's all my mother ever did was criticize me. It was always "Ursula this" and, "Ursula that" and "Morgana, why can't you be more like your sister '''''URSULA?!'''''" ''[hurls a starfish like a dart at a picture of Ursula]'' :'''Undertow''': Well, it's not Ursula's fault I got miniturized. IT'S YOURS! :'''Morgana''': It's not! :'''Undertow''': Your fault we had to hide out here for TWELVE FROST-BITTEN YEARS! :'''Morgana''': IT'S NOT! :'''Undertow''': YOUR FAULT WE CAN NEVER SHOW OUR FACES IN POLITE SOCIETY AGAIN! :'''Morgana''': You're really pushing it, Small-Fry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eric''': So we're having a bad hair day, huh? :'''Ariel''': If we were, you wouldn't be helping, would you? :'''Eric''': Well i'm just here to let you know, there are a lot of people downstairs. :'''Ariel''': Oh we'll be right down. Give us two minutes. :'''Eric''': Right, two minutes...Where have I heard that before? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': (wipes the dust off melody) Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry... For everything. I should had tided up the ballroom. Sorry. :'''Melody''': ''[whines while hugging ariel]'' but What's wrong with me?... On fahsion day!? How i'm gonna get honey from the bees or ice cream? :'''Ariel''': (hugs melody) Oh, nothing's wrong with you and has questions about honey or ice cream. :'''Melody''': mommy, I'm the princess of disaster! Also not to mention that Santa does not makes 26 Christmas gitfs everynight! (Why?!) All because of a laughing crowd! And, and... Without bees, there will be no honey or flowers all day! And.. That's not all, my ice cream themed fashion show is almost started! :'''Ariel''': (to melody's big sister, rosie) roise? (then stops melody) Being a teenager is hard, and, uh, all kids your age feel...awkward, and... :'''Melody''': IT'S NOT MY FAULT! The first time i was a pretty girl! Oh. Somehow my alicorn was here, and.. ''[looking at her magic wand]'' "Melody"? What is this? My name is on here that you cheered me up. ''[waves the wand and magic comes out]'' That magic. Where have I heard this song? It's Atlantica, with merpeople and everything. Mama, you always said it was just an old fish tale. :'''Ariel''': Where did you get this? :'''Melody''': I - I found it. :'''Ariel''': ''[upset]'' You went over the wall, didn't you? :'''Melody''': Actually, i went ''under'' it. I hate that stupid wall. :'''Ariel''': Melody, you know you're not allowed in the sea! :'''Melody''': But why, and why does that wand my name on it? :'''Ariel''': Melody, listen to me. :'''Melody''': You're hiding something from me. :'''Ariel''': ''[looks wide-eyed. She closes her eyes tightly and grits her teeth angrily]'' You deliberately disobeyed me! I never want you going out there again. Do you hear me? It's dangerous in the sea! :'''Melody''': How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while whining and taking the wand back]'' :'''Ariel''': M-Melody, I... ''[Eric comes in but steps aside as his daughter Melody runs off in tears; sighs]'' Oh, no. :'''Eric''': Ariel, darling, we knew this day would come. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric. You're right. It's time I trusted her with the truth. :'''Ariel''': Melody, are you sleepy? Oh, well let's get to the sailboat for a nap. :'''Melody''':thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melody''': (riding on her alicorn with ariel) Hi. I'm Melody. :'''Dash''': This here's Tip, and I'm Dash. :'''Tip''': Excuse me, Mr. I-Spill-My-Guts-To-Total-Strangers. You just blew our cover! :'''Dash''': I was just trying to be friendly. :'''Melody''': Guys, I really have to get going, so if you could... :'''Dash''': Aww, see? Now she's gonna leave, and it's all your fault. :'''Tip''': MY FAULT?! She's...She's probably allergic to blubber! :'''Dash''': Oh yeah? Well...maybe she doesn't like '''''BIRDS THAT CAN'T FLY!''''' :''[Tip gasps dramatically]'' :'''Melody''': Guys... :'''Tip''': Well, you can't fly, either! :'''Dash''': And...you walk funny. :'''Melody''': Guys! :'''Tip''': OH, ''YEAH?!'' Well...um...'''''YOU CAN'T FLY EITHER!''''' :'''Melody''': ''''GUYS!''''' ''[the bickering duo finally stop]'' Do either of you know how to get to Atlantica? I don't have much time. :'''Dash''': Why do you want to go to Atlantica? :'''Melody''': I have to get something that was stolen from a friend. ''[shows them her tail]'' If not...I'll turn back into a... :'''Dash''': A what? Turn back into a what? :'''Melody''': A human. :'''Tip''': ''[startled gasp]'' I knew there was something UN-fishy about you! ''[turns to leave]'' Tough break, sister. Drop us a line. Let us know how it all turns out. :'''Dash''': ''[stops Tip with a fore-flipper and turns him around]'' We'll take you! :'''Melody''': You will? :'''Tip''': We will?! :'''Dash''': She's a damsel in distress. It's our big chance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the young fish, who looks like Flounder]'' Flounder! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Flounder's Son''': ''[struggles and swims away]'' DADDY!!! :'''Flounder''': ''[offscreen]'' Now what? ''[appears as an adult, with his son who's behind him]'' :'''Ariel''': Sorry. :'''Flounder''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Flounder? :'''Flounder''': Ariel!! :'''Ariel''': ''[hugs her old friend]'' Oh, I've missed you! Boy, you're sure not a guppy anymore. :'''Flounder''': You can say that again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Children, what did I say about playing "kick the clam" on the reef? :'''Flounder's Son''': Sorry, Dad. :'''Flounder''': Uh, kids. ''[to Ariel]'' I'm sorry about Melody. :'''Ariel''': Flounder, I really need your help. :'''Flounder''': Wild sea horses couldn't stop me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': C'mon, Miss Popularity. We have a previous engagement, remember? ''[drags Melody away]'' :'''Merboy''': Was that a...penguin? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel tries to stop Melody from giving Morgana Triton's trident]'' :'''Ariel''': Melody, don't! :'''Melody''': Mommy! :'''Ariel''': Don't listen to her, and–! :''[Both Melody and Ariel are surprised to see each other as mermaids]'' :'''Ariel and Melody''': You're a mermaid? :'''Morgana''': Ariel, how nice of you to come, and you've brought Flopper with you. :'''Flounder''': My name is Flounder. :'''Undertow''': Grrr! :'''Flounder''': "Grrr" yourself, pipsqueak! :'''Undertow''': Get that thing and hit me. One bite, and he's shrimp toast. :'''Melody''': ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. :'''Ariel''': Melody, no stop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': We're guppies, man. Jellyfish. :'''Dash''': The great Tip and Dash: cowards-slash-losers. :'''Tip''': ''[has an idea]'' Okay, on the one hand, we can live a long, healthy life; albeit as disgusting, pathetic, cowardly...uh... :'''Dash''': Worms? :'''Tip''': That's good! Good. Cowardly worms. On the other hand, we could gather our courage, if we had any, and storm the fortress and be heroes! :'''Dash''': Yeah. Until they hack us up into fishbait! :'''Tip''': You're right. :''[Strange green lights begin to flash from Morgana's iceberg lair]'' :'''Dash''': ''[gasps]'' Melody's in there. She might be in big trouble! She might really need our help! :'''Tip''': So what's it gonna be? A lifetime as worms...or two minutes as heroes? == Cast == * [[w:Holly thomas|Holly thomas]] — Меlody/rosie * [[isabella foy]] — Ariel/melody's body * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Sebastian * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] — Cleo * [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] — Morgana * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — King Triton * [[w:Stephen Furst|Stephen Furst]] — Dash * [[w:Max Casella|Max Casella]] — Tip * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] — Eric * [[Clancy Brown]] — Undertow * [[w:Cam Clarke|Cameron A. Clarke]] — Flounder * [[w:René Auberjonois|René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Kay E. Kuter|Kay Kuter]] — Grimsby * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Carlotta * [[Frank Welker]] — Max the Sheepdog == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0240684| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=little_mermaid_ii_the_return_to_the_sea| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea, The}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:2000 animated films|Little Mermaid II, The]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:Animated films about mother–daughter relationships]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] 2pgj6gqu0ojjk1bnm5hea0pzms76w24 3944562 3944561 2026-05-23T18:18:46Z ~2026-24235-41 3312576 /* Melody */ 3944562 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea|The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]''''' is a 2009 British animated direct-to-video film produced and released by [[w:Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment|Walt Disney Home Video]] realsed on December 25 2009, as a sequel to the 2006 film, and as if part of the CITV movie club properly. Directed by Jim Kammerud and [[w:Brian Smith (director)|Brian Smith]], the story takes place over a decade after the original film, and focuses on [[w:Ariel (The Little Mermaid)|Ariel]]'s and [[w:Prince Eric|Eric]]'s daughter [[w:Characters of Disney's The Little Mermaid#Melody|Melody]], a human princess who longs to swim in the ocean despite her parents' law that the sea is forbidden to her. This sequel stars the voices of isabella foy as Ariel and melody's body, [[w:holly thomas|Holly thomas]] as Melody and roise, and [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] as Morgana, the film's new villain. == Melody == * ''[after finding out that Ariel is a mermaid]'' All this time, and... you never told me? * ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. ''['''Ariel''': Melody, no!]'' * ''[to Morgana]'' You tricked me. * Grandfather, I think this belongs to you. ''[throws Triton the trident]'' ''['''Triton''': Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ever!]'' * How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while screaming and whining loudly and taking the wand back]'' == Ariel == * Don’t worry Daddy, Prince Eric is right, I couldn’t have known why I'm not keeping Melody from the sea, it's a part of her and a part of me. == King Triton == * Release my daughter, surrender my granddaughter, and I shall spare you! * ''['''Melody''': Grandfather, I think this belongs to you.]'' ''[Before using his trident to encase Morgana in a block of ice]'' Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ''EVER! [??]'' == Morgana == * One minute you're on top, the next you're sushi. ''[turns to Grimsby]'' Now is that fair, Gramps, I ask you? * You'll never find me! But I'll find you and your precious granddaughter! * Hungry? Afraid all I have is a cold plate. * ''[to Melody]'' You're not the only one with a mother who doesn't understand you. BELIEVE me. * Oh, wishes do come true. ''[to sky]'' SEE THAT, MA?! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE NOW?! * ''[last words]'' Mommy... == Sebastian == * Come back here! You're just like... like your mother. * ''(In another chase with Louis)'' ''['''Louis''': You're going in the bouillabaisse!]'' COME ON, NOW! NO, LOUIS! YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS, MAN! I'M old, I'm not tender anymore! * You know, when ''I'' was a teenager, you couldn't get me out of my shell for nothing. I had this ''HIGH SQUEAKY VOICE'' and these itty-bitty liddle pinchers! Then one day, BOOM! I sound like Caruso, and these ''WHOPPERS'' pop out! * All right, Sebastian. You must remain calm. This is not your fault. All you have to do is go in there and calmly explain that Melody has run away. No reason to lose your head. Whatever you do, you absolutely, positively, must not panic. ''[Hears Ariel call Melody]'' AAAAH!!! MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE!!!! * I'm too old for this! == Prince Eric == * Where's Melody?! What have you done with her?! == Tip == * ''[Repeated line]'' Another plan perfectly executed. * A fork? We're risking our tails for a fork? * Oh, sure, that's it. Take your time. Kick back. Relax. Let's all just '''''LINGER HERE AND DIE!''''' == Undertow == * MAKE WAY, LITTLE MERSHRIMP! I'M COMING THROUGH! * ''[After being shrunk]'' WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! LOOK AT ME! ''I'M AN ANCHOVY!!'' * ''[Confronting Tip and Dash; last words]'' Going somewhere, boys? == Chef Louis == * '''DEATH TO THE CRAB!!!''' ''['''Carlotta''': Oh, Louis.]'' == Dialogue == :'''Triton''': We shall not rest until that mad woman is vanquished! FIND HER!!! '''FIND HER!!!''' ''[fires lightning into the sky as an order and Morgana is nowhere to be found. Flounder and Sebastian are with Triton at the castle about Morgana's disappearance with terrible news]'' :'''Triton''': ''[gravely to Eric and Ariel]'' I'm sorry. There is no sign of her, she's vanished. ''[Ariel is worried and Melody crawls to the sea]'' We'll keep trying, we'll- :'''Ariel''': Sweetie, no. ''[pulls Melody out of the water]'' We need to keep Melody away from her until we find Morgana, it’s because Melody can't go to the sea...and neither can i. :'''Flounder''': But, Ariel... :'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, Flounder, but if Morgana is anything like Ursula, she'll never give up. ''[Melody taps on her magic wand]'' This is the only way; ''[takes the wand from her and puts melody on a alicorn's back]'' Melody can't know about Merpeople or Atlantica, or even you, Dad. ''[gives it back to Triton]'' :'''Triton''': ''[defeated]'' I suppose you're right. ''[turns to Sebastian]'' Sebastian you will watch over her. :'''Sebastian''': Me? ''[fainting]'' Aww! <hr width="50%"/> (Melody's body feels shocked when it sees melody about to ask) :'''Melody's body''': NOOOOO!!! (Covers its mouth) Oh. Wow. :'''Melody''': (too late) Good morning Scuttle, good morning Sebastian, listen to me, my name is Melody. A very good girl who likes ice cream. (looks at her alicorn) ok, alicorn, you CAN stay. (Resumes were she left off) right, uh.. What's kickin'?.. Also ariel though i was wearing something fashionsy and I didn't want my hair get messed up And my dress drity. :'''Scuttle''': Uh, what's kickin'? Hmm...let me see. ''[knocks himself on the head a few times while laughing]'' melody... (Melody giggles) ariel... Eric... (Pauses) Don't rush me. :'''Sebastian''': Ha! You know perfectly well what's kicking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sebastian''': Melody, child, how many times do i have to tell you? :'''Melody and Sebastian''': It is expressly forbidden for you to be swimming beyond the safety of the sea wall. :'''Melody''': ''[continuing to imitate him]'' Any such swimmin' is a reckless disregard of da rules. Don't ya know? :''[They are silent for a moment]'' :'''Sebastian''': ...Stop dat. :'''Melody''': Oh, Sebastian, I can't help it. I just love the sea! ''[splashes on Sebastian as she swims off]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hey! ''[sputters]'' Come back here! ''[into the water]'' You're just like- ''[stops and remembers]'' like your mother. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Morgana messes around with a spell for Undertow while Cloak and Dagger watch]'' :'''Morgana''': Ooh-Ooh-Hoo-Hoo, Trust me. This time, I'm sure I've got it right. :'''Undertow''': Yeah, that's what you said last time, and I was sore for a week. :'''Morgana''': Oh stop your carping and stand still. :'''Undertow''': ''[whimpering]'' Oh, this is gonna hurt. :''[Morgana casts the spell and a green lightning bolt hits Undertow. He starts getting bigger]'' :'''Morgana''': Yes. Yes! '''YES!''' :'''Undertow''': Uh-Oh. ''[the spell backfires, making Undertow small again, as a shrimp]'' Uh. :'''Morgana''': ''[trustrated]'' Huh. ''[throws another bottle into the cauldron and Undertow is turned into an unidentifiable gray fish]''. :'''Undertow''': Uh. ''[Morgana gets frustrated and and throws in more bottles, turning Undertow into something weird each time until he's back to being small]'' Ulp. :''[Cloak and Dagger laugh and snicker at Undertow]'' :'''Morgana''': Oh. It's just no use. The power of the trident is just too strong for me to overcome. :'''Undertow''': ''[under his breath]'' I bet Ursula could've done it. :'''Morgana''': What, was that, you said? :'''Undertow''': Nothing, I'm just saying. :'''Morgana''': ''[throws a vial at him, but misses]'' STOP, CRITICIZING ME! That's all my mother ever did was criticize me. It was always "Ursula this" and, "Ursula that" and "Morgana, why can't you be more like your sister '''''URSULA?!'''''" ''[hurls a starfish like a dart at a picture of Ursula]'' :'''Undertow''': Well, it's not Ursula's fault I got miniturized. IT'S YOURS! :'''Morgana''': It's not! :'''Undertow''': Your fault we had to hide out here for TWELVE FROST-BITTEN YEARS! :'''Morgana''': IT'S NOT! :'''Undertow''': YOUR FAULT WE CAN NEVER SHOW OUR FACES IN POLITE SOCIETY AGAIN! :'''Morgana''': You're really pushing it, Small-Fry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eric''': So we're having a bad hair day, huh? :'''Ariel''': If we were, you wouldn't be helping, would you? :'''Eric''': Well i'm just here to let you know, there are a lot of people downstairs. :'''Ariel''': Oh we'll be right down. Give us two minutes. :'''Eric''': Right, two minutes...Where have I heard that before? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': (wipes the dust off melody) Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry... For everything. I should had tided up the ballroom. Sorry. :'''Melody''': ''[whines while hugging ariel]'' but What's wrong with me?... On fahsion day!? How i'm gonna get honey from the bees or ice cream? :'''Ariel''': (hugs melody) Oh, nothing's wrong with you and has questions about honey or ice cream. :'''Melody''': mommy, I'm the princess of disaster! Also not to mention that Santa does not makes 26 Christmas gitfs everynight! (Why?!) All because of a laughing crowd! And, and... Without bees, there will be no honey or flowers all day! And.. That's not all, my ice cream themed fashion show is almost started! :'''Ariel''': (to melody's big sister, rosie) roise? (then stops melody) Being a teenager is hard, and, uh, all kids your age feel...awkward, and... :'''Melody''': IT'S NOT MY FAULT! The first time i was a pretty girl! Oh. Somehow my alicorn was here, and.. ''[looking at her magic wand]'' "Melody"? What is this? My name is on here that you cheered me up. ''[waves the wand and magic comes out]'' That magic. Where have I heard this song? It's Atlantica, with merpeople and everything. Mama, you always said it was just an old fish tale. :'''Ariel''': Where did you get this? :'''Melody''': I - I found it. :'''Ariel''': ''[upset]'' You went over the wall, didn't you? :'''Melody''': Actually, i went ''under'' it. I hate that stupid wall. :'''Ariel''': Melody, you know you're not allowed in the sea! :'''Melody''': But why, and why does that wand my name on it? :'''Ariel''': Melody, listen to me. :'''Melody''': You're hiding something from me. :'''Ariel''': ''[looks wide-eyed. She closes her eyes tightly and grits her teeth angrily]'' You deliberately disobeyed me! I never want you going out there again. Do you hear me? It's dangerous in the sea! :'''Melody''': How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while whining and taking the wand back]'' :'''Ariel''': M-Melody, I... ''[Eric comes in but steps aside as his daughter Melody runs off in tears; sighs]'' Oh, no. :'''Eric''': Ariel, darling, we knew this day would come. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric. You're right. It's time I trusted her with the truth. :'''Ariel''': Melody, are you sleepy? Oh, well let's get to the sailboat for a nap. :'''Melody''':thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melody''': (riding on her alicorn with ariel) Hi. I'm Melody. :'''Dash''': This here's Tip, and I'm Dash. :'''Tip''': Excuse me, Mr. I-Spill-My-Guts-To-Total-Strangers. You just blew our cover! :'''Dash''': I was just trying to be friendly. :'''Melody''': Guys, I really have to get going, so if you could... :'''Dash''': Aww, see? Now she's gonna leave, and it's all your fault. :'''Tip''': MY FAULT?! She's...She's probably allergic to blubber! :'''Dash''': Oh yeah? Well...maybe she doesn't like '''''BIRDS THAT CAN'T FLY!''''' :''[Tip gasps dramatically]'' :'''Melody''': Guys... :'''Tip''': Well, you can't fly, either! :'''Dash''': And...you walk funny. :'''Melody''': Guys! :'''Tip''': OH, ''YEAH?!'' Well...um...'''''YOU CAN'T FLY EITHER!''''' :'''Melody''': ''''GUYS!''''' ''[the bickering duo finally stop]'' Do either of you know how to get to Atlantica? I don't have much time. :'''Dash''': Why do you want to go to Atlantica? :'''Melody''': I have to get something that was stolen from a friend. ''[shows them her tail]'' If not...I'll turn back into a... :'''Dash''': A what? Turn back into a what? :'''Melody''': A human. :'''Tip''': ''[startled gasp]'' I knew there was something UN-fishy about you! ''[turns to leave]'' Tough break, sister. Drop us a line. Let us know how it all turns out. :'''Dash''': ''[stops Tip with a fore-flipper and turns him around]'' We'll take you! :'''Melody''': You will? :'''Tip''': We will?! :'''Dash''': She's a damsel in distress. It's our big chance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the young fish, who looks like Flounder]'' Flounder! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Flounder's Son''': ''[struggles and swims away]'' DADDY!!! :'''Flounder''': ''[offscreen]'' Now what? ''[appears as an adult, with his son who's behind him]'' :'''Ariel''': Sorry. :'''Flounder''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Flounder? :'''Flounder''': Ariel!! :'''Ariel''': ''[hugs her old friend]'' Oh, I've missed you! Boy, you're sure not a guppy anymore. :'''Flounder''': You can say that again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Children, what did I say about playing "kick the clam" on the reef? :'''Flounder's Son''': Sorry, Dad. :'''Flounder''': Uh, kids. ''[to Ariel]'' I'm sorry about Melody. :'''Ariel''': Flounder, I really need your help. :'''Flounder''': Wild sea horses couldn't stop me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': C'mon, Miss Popularity. We have a previous engagement, remember? ''[drags Melody away]'' :'''Merboy''': Was that a...penguin? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel tries to stop Melody from giving Morgana Triton's trident]'' :'''Ariel''': Melody, don't! :'''Melody''': Mommy! :'''Ariel''': Don't listen to her, and–! :''[Both Melody and Ariel are surprised to see each other as mermaids]'' :'''Ariel and Melody''': You're a mermaid? :'''Morgana''': Ariel, how nice of you to come, and you've brought Flopper with you. :'''Flounder''': My name is Flounder. :'''Undertow''': Grrr! :'''Flounder''': "Grrr" yourself, pipsqueak! :'''Undertow''': Get that thing and hit me. One bite, and he's shrimp toast. :'''Melody''': ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. :'''Ariel''': Melody, no stop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': We're guppies, man. Jellyfish. :'''Dash''': The great Tip and Dash: cowards-slash-losers. :'''Tip''': ''[has an idea]'' Okay, on the one hand, we can live a long, healthy life; albeit as disgusting, pathetic, cowardly...uh... :'''Dash''': Worms? :'''Tip''': That's good! Good. Cowardly worms. On the other hand, we could gather our courage, if we had any, and storm the fortress and be heroes! :'''Dash''': Yeah. Until they hack us up into fishbait! :'''Tip''': You're right. :''[Strange green lights begin to flash from Morgana's iceberg lair]'' :'''Dash''': ''[gasps]'' Melody's in there. She might be in big trouble! She might really need our help! :'''Tip''': So what's it gonna be? A lifetime as worms...or two minutes as heroes? == Cast == * [[w:Holly thomas|Holly thomas]] — Меlody/rosie * [[isabella foy]] — Ariel/melody's body * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Sebastian * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] — Cleo * [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] — Morgana * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — King Triton * [[w:Stephen Furst|Stephen Furst]] — Dash * [[w:Max Casella|Max Casella]] — Tip * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] — Eric * [[Clancy Brown]] — Undertow * [[w:Cam Clarke|Cameron A. Clarke]] — Flounder * [[w:René Auberjonois|René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Kay E. Kuter|Kay Kuter]] — Grimsby * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Carlotta * [[Frank Welker]] — Max the Sheepdog == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0240684| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=little_mermaid_ii_the_return_to_the_sea| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea, The}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:2000 animated films|Little Mermaid II, The]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:Animated films about mother–daughter relationships]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] 4e9ku9xi949geqpv1o4jqlcrs7yompq 3944563 3944562 2026-05-23T18:19:44Z ~2026-24235-41 3312576 /* Dialogue */ 3944563 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea|The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]''''' is a 2009 British animated direct-to-video film produced and released by [[w:Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment|Walt Disney Home Video]] realsed on December 25 2009, as a sequel to the 2006 film, and as if part of the CITV movie club properly. Directed by Jim Kammerud and [[w:Brian Smith (director)|Brian Smith]], the story takes place over a decade after the original film, and focuses on [[w:Ariel (The Little Mermaid)|Ariel]]'s and [[w:Prince Eric|Eric]]'s daughter [[w:Characters of Disney's The Little Mermaid#Melody|Melody]], a human princess who longs to swim in the ocean despite her parents' law that the sea is forbidden to her. This sequel stars the voices of isabella foy as Ariel and melody's body, [[w:holly thomas|Holly thomas]] as Melody and roise, and [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] as Morgana, the film's new villain. == Melody == * ''[after finding out that Ariel is a mermaid]'' All this time, and... you never told me? * ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. ''['''Ariel''': Melody, no!]'' * ''[to Morgana]'' You tricked me. * Grandfather, I think this belongs to you. ''[throws Triton the trident]'' ''['''Triton''': Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ever!]'' * How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while screaming and whining loudly and taking the wand back]'' == Ariel == * Don’t worry Daddy, Prince Eric is right, I couldn’t have known why I'm not keeping Melody from the sea, it's a part of her and a part of me. == King Triton == * Release my daughter, surrender my granddaughter, and I shall spare you! * ''['''Melody''': Grandfather, I think this belongs to you.]'' ''[Before using his trident to encase Morgana in a block of ice]'' Never again will you or yours threaten my family! There will be no escape for you ''EVER! [??]'' == Morgana == * One minute you're on top, the next you're sushi. ''[turns to Grimsby]'' Now is that fair, Gramps, I ask you? * You'll never find me! But I'll find you and your precious granddaughter! * Hungry? Afraid all I have is a cold plate. * ''[to Melody]'' You're not the only one with a mother who doesn't understand you. BELIEVE me. * Oh, wishes do come true. ''[to sky]'' SEE THAT, MA?! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE NOW?! * ''[last words]'' Mommy... == Sebastian == * Come back here! You're just like... like your mother. * ''(In another chase with Louis)'' ''['''Louis''': You're going in the bouillabaisse!]'' COME ON, NOW! NO, LOUIS! YOU DON'T WANNA DO THIS, MAN! I'M old, I'm not tender anymore! * You know, when ''I'' was a teenager, you couldn't get me out of my shell for nothing. I had this ''HIGH SQUEAKY VOICE'' and these itty-bitty liddle pinchers! Then one day, BOOM! I sound like Caruso, and these ''WHOPPERS'' pop out! * All right, Sebastian. You must remain calm. This is not your fault. All you have to do is go in there and calmly explain that Melody has run away. No reason to lose your head. Whatever you do, you absolutely, positively, must not panic. ''[Hears Ariel call Melody]'' AAAAH!!! MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE, MELODY'S GONE!!!! * I'm too old for this! == Prince Eric == * Where's Melody?! What have you done with her?! == Tip == * ''[Repeated line]'' Another plan perfectly executed. * A fork? We're risking our tails for a fork? * Oh, sure, that's it. Take your time. Kick back. Relax. Let's all just '''''LINGER HERE AND DIE!''''' == Undertow == * MAKE WAY, LITTLE MERSHRIMP! I'M COMING THROUGH! * ''[After being shrunk]'' WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?! LOOK AT ME! ''I'M AN ANCHOVY!!'' * ''[Confronting Tip and Dash; last words]'' Going somewhere, boys? == Chef Louis == * '''DEATH TO THE CRAB!!!''' ''['''Carlotta''': Oh, Louis.]'' == Dialogue == :'''Triton''': We shall not rest until that mad woman is vanquished! FIND HER!!! '''FIND HER!!!''' ''[fires lightning into the sky as an order and Morgana is nowhere to be found. Flounder and Sebastian are with Triton at the castle about Morgana's disappearance with terrible news]'' :'''Triton''': ''[gravely to Eric and Ariel]'' I'm sorry. There is no sign of her, she's vanished. ''[Ariel is worried and Melody crawls to the sea]'' We'll keep trying, we'll- :'''Ariel''': Sweetie, no. ''[pulls Melody out of the water]'' We need to keep Melody away from her until we find Morgana, it’s because Melody can't go to the sea...and neither can i. :'''Flounder''': But, Ariel... :'''Ariel''': I'm sorry, Flounder, but if Morgana is anything like Ursula, she'll never give up. ''[Melody taps on her magic wand]'' This is the only way; ''[takes the wand from her and puts melody on a alicorn's back]'' Melody can't know about Merpeople or Atlantica, or even you, Dad. ''[gives it back to Triton]'' :'''Triton''': ''[defeated]'' I suppose you're right. ''[turns to Sebastian]'' Sebastian you will watch over her. :'''Sebastian''': Me? ''[fainting]'' Aww! <hr width="50%"/> (Melody's body feels shocked when it sees melody about to ask) :'''Melody's body''': NOOOOO!!! (Covers its mouth) Oh. Wow. :'''Melody''': (too late) Good morning Scuttle, good morning Sebastian, listen to me, my name is Melody. A very good girl who likes ice cream. (looks at her alicorn) ok, alicorn, you CAN stay. (Resumes were she left off) right, uh.. What's kickin'?.. Also ariel though i was wearing something fashionsy and I didn't want my hair get messed up And my dress drity. :'''Scuttle''': Uh, what's kickin'? Hmm...let me see. ''[knocks himself on the head a few times while laughing]'' melody... (Melody giggles) ariel... Eric... (Pauses) Don't rush me. :'''Sebastian''': Ha! You know perfectly well what's kicking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sebastian''': Melody, child, how many times do i have to tell you? :'''Melody and Sebastian''': It is expressly forbidden for you to be swimming beyond the safety of the sea wall. :'''Melody''': ''[continuing to imitate him]'' Any such swimmin' is a reckless disregard of da rules. Don't ya know? :''[They are silent for a moment]'' :'''Sebastian''': ...Stop dat. :'''Melody''': Oh, Sebastian, I can't help it. I just love the sea! ''[splashes on Sebastian as she swims off]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hey! ''[sputters]'' Come back here! ''[into the water]'' You're just like- ''[stops and remembers]'' like your mother. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Morgana messes around with a spell for Undertow while Cloak and Dagger watch]'' :'''Morgana''': Ooh-Ooh-Hoo-Hoo, Trust me. This time, I'm sure I've got it right. :'''Undertow''': Yeah, that's what you said last time, and I was sore for a week. :'''Morgana''': Oh stop your carping and stand still. :'''Undertow''': ''[whimpering]'' Oh, this is gonna hurt. :''[Morgana casts the spell and a green lightning bolt hits Undertow. He starts getting bigger]'' :'''Morgana''': Yes. Yes! '''YES!''' :'''Undertow''': Uh-Oh. ''[the spell backfires, making Undertow small again, as a shrimp]'' Uh. :'''Morgana''': ''[trustrated]'' Huh. ''[throws another bottle into the cauldron and Undertow is turned into an unidentifiable gray fish]''. :'''Undertow''': Uh. ''[Morgana gets frustrated and and throws in more bottles, turning Undertow into something weird each time until he's back to being small]'' Ulp. :''[Cloak and Dagger laugh and snicker at Undertow]'' :'''Morgana''': Oh. It's just no use. The power of the trident is just too strong for me to overcome. :'''Undertow''': ''[under his breath]'' I bet Ursula could've done it. :'''Morgana''': What, was that, you said? :'''Undertow''': Nothing, I'm just saying. :'''Morgana''': ''[throws a vial at him, but misses]'' STOP, CRITICIZING ME! That's all my mother ever did was criticize me. It was always "Ursula this" and, "Ursula that" and "Morgana, why can't you be more like your sister '''''URSULA?!'''''" ''[hurls a starfish like a dart at a picture of Ursula]'' :'''Undertow''': Well, it's not Ursula's fault I got miniturized. IT'S YOURS! :'''Morgana''': It's not! :'''Undertow''': Your fault we had to hide out here for TWELVE FROST-BITTEN YEARS! :'''Morgana''': IT'S NOT! :'''Undertow''': YOUR FAULT WE CAN NEVER SHOW OUR FACES IN POLITE SOCIETY AGAIN! :'''Morgana''': You're really pushing it, Small-Fry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eric''': So we're having a bad hair day, huh? :'''Ariel''': If we were, you wouldn't be helping, would you? :'''Eric''': Well i'm just here to let you know, there are a lot of people downstairs. :'''Ariel''': Oh we'll be right down. Give us two minutes. :'''Eric''': Right, two minutes...Where have I heard that before? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': (wipes the dust off melody) Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry... For everything. I should had tided up the ballroom. Sorry. :'''Melody''': ''[screams softly and whines while hugging ariel]'' but What's wrong with me?... On fahsion day!? How i'm gonna get honey from the bees or ice cream? :'''Ariel''': (hugs melody) Oh, nothing's wrong with you and has questions about honey or ice cream. :'''Melody''': mommy, I'm the princess of disaster! Also not to mention that Santa does not makes 26 Christmas gitfs everynight! (Why?!) All because of a laughing crowd! And, and... Without bees, there will be no honey or flowers all day! And.. That's not all, my ice cream themed fashion show is almost started! :'''Ariel''': (to melody's big sister, rosie) roise? (then stops melody) Being a teenager is hard, and, uh, all kids your age feel...awkward, and... :'''Melody''': IT'S NOT MY FAULT! The first time i was a pretty girl! Oh. Somehow my alicorn was here, and.. ''[looking at her magic wand]'' "Melody"? What is this? My name is on here that you cheered me up. ''[waves the wand and magic comes out]'' That magic. Where have I heard this song? It's Atlantica, with merpeople and everything. Mama, you always said it was just an old fish tale. :'''Ariel''': Where did you get this? :'''Melody''': I - I found it. :'''Ariel''': ''[upset]'' You went over the wall, didn't you? :'''Melody''': Actually, i went ''under'' it. I hate that stupid wall. :'''Ariel''': Melody, you know you're not allowed in the sea! :'''Melody''': But why, and why does that wand my name on it? :'''Ariel''': Melody, listen to me. :'''Melody''': You're hiding something from me. :'''Ariel''': ''[looks wide-eyed. She closes her eyes tightly and grits her teeth angrily]'' You deliberately disobeyed me! I never want you going out there again. Do you hear me? It's dangerous in the sea! :'''Melody''': How would you know?! You've never even been in it! ''[rushes out in tears, while screaming and whining loudly and taking the wand back]'' :'''Ariel''': M-Melody, I... ''[Eric comes in but steps aside as his daughter Melody runs off in tears; sighs]'' Oh, no. :'''Eric''': Ariel, darling, we knew this day would come. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric. You're right. It's time I trusted her with the truth. :'''Ariel''': Melody, are you sleepy? Oh, well let's get to the sailboat for a nap. :'''Melody''':thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Melody''': (riding on her alicorn with ariel) Hi. I'm Melody. :'''Dash''': This here's Tip, and I'm Dash. :'''Tip''': Excuse me, Mr. I-Spill-My-Guts-To-Total-Strangers. You just blew our cover! :'''Dash''': I was just trying to be friendly. :'''Melody''': Guys, I really have to get going, so if you could... :'''Dash''': Aww, see? Now she's gonna leave, and it's all your fault. :'''Tip''': MY FAULT?! She's...She's probably allergic to blubber! :'''Dash''': Oh yeah? Well...maybe she doesn't like '''''BIRDS THAT CAN'T FLY!''''' :''[Tip gasps dramatically]'' :'''Melody''': Guys... :'''Tip''': Well, you can't fly, either! :'''Dash''': And...you walk funny. :'''Melody''': Guys! :'''Tip''': OH, ''YEAH?!'' Well...um...'''''YOU CAN'T FLY EITHER!''''' :'''Melody''': ''''GUYS!''''' ''[the bickering duo finally stop]'' Do either of you know how to get to Atlantica? I don't have much time. :'''Dash''': Why do you want to go to Atlantica? :'''Melody''': I have to get something that was stolen from a friend. ''[shows them her tail]'' If not...I'll turn back into a... :'''Dash''': A what? Turn back into a what? :'''Melody''': A human. :'''Tip''': ''[startled gasp]'' I knew there was something UN-fishy about you! ''[turns to leave]'' Tough break, sister. Drop us a line. Let us know how it all turns out. :'''Dash''': ''[stops Tip with a fore-flipper and turns him around]'' We'll take you! :'''Melody''': You will? :'''Tip''': We will?! :'''Dash''': She's a damsel in distress. It's our big chance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the young fish, who looks like Flounder]'' Flounder! ''[hugs him]'' :'''Flounder's Son''': ''[struggles and swims away]'' DADDY!!! :'''Flounder''': ''[offscreen]'' Now what? ''[appears as an adult, with his son who's behind him]'' :'''Ariel''': Sorry. :'''Flounder''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Flounder? :'''Flounder''': Ariel!! :'''Ariel''': ''[hugs her old friend]'' Oh, I've missed you! Boy, you're sure not a guppy anymore. :'''Flounder''': You can say that again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Children, what did I say about playing "kick the clam" on the reef? :'''Flounder's Son''': Sorry, Dad. :'''Flounder''': Uh, kids. ''[to Ariel]'' I'm sorry about Melody. :'''Ariel''': Flounder, I really need your help. :'''Flounder''': Wild sea horses couldn't stop me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': C'mon, Miss Popularity. We have a previous engagement, remember? ''[drags Melody away]'' :'''Merboy''': Was that a...penguin? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel tries to stop Melody from giving Morgana Triton's trident]'' :'''Ariel''': Melody, don't! :'''Melody''': Mommy! :'''Ariel''': Don't listen to her, and–! :''[Both Melody and Ariel are surprised to see each other as mermaids]'' :'''Ariel and Melody''': You're a mermaid? :'''Morgana''': Ariel, how nice of you to come, and you've brought Flopper with you. :'''Flounder''': My name is Flounder. :'''Undertow''': Grrr! :'''Flounder''': "Grrr" yourself, pipsqueak! :'''Undertow''': Get that thing and hit me. One bite, and he's shrimp toast. :'''Melody''': ''[before handing Morgana the trident]'' Too late, Mom. :'''Ariel''': Melody, no stop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tip''': We're guppies, man. Jellyfish. :'''Dash''': The great Tip and Dash: cowards-slash-losers. :'''Tip''': ''[has an idea]'' Okay, on the one hand, we can live a long, healthy life; albeit as disgusting, pathetic, cowardly...uh... :'''Dash''': Worms? :'''Tip''': That's good! Good. Cowardly worms. On the other hand, we could gather our courage, if we had any, and storm the fortress and be heroes! :'''Dash''': Yeah. Until they hack us up into fishbait! :'''Tip''': You're right. :''[Strange green lights begin to flash from Morgana's iceberg lair]'' :'''Dash''': ''[gasps]'' Melody's in there. She might be in big trouble! She might really need our help! :'''Tip''': So what's it gonna be? A lifetime as worms...or two minutes as heroes? == Cast == * [[w:Holly thomas|Holly thomas]] — Меlody/rosie * [[isabella foy]] — Ariel/melody's body * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Sebastian * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] — Cleo * [[w:Pat Carroll|Pat Carroll]] — Morgana * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — King Triton * [[w:Stephen Furst|Stephen Furst]] — Dash * [[w:Max Casella|Max Casella]] — Tip * [[w:Rob Paulsen|Rob Paulsen]] — Eric * [[Clancy Brown]] — Undertow * [[w:Cam Clarke|Cameron A. Clarke]] — Flounder * [[w:René Auberjonois|René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Kay E. Kuter|Kay Kuter]] — Grimsby * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Carlotta * [[Frank Welker]] — Max the Sheepdog == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0240684| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=little_mermaid_ii_the_return_to_the_sea| title=The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea, The}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:2000 animated films|Little Mermaid II, The]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:Animated films about mother–daughter relationships]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] hsuprdcvr3e521rk6ik8x3vh31rhs18 0 12686 3944635 3940145 2026-05-23T22:50:47Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944635 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|Ariel the Little Mermaid]]''''', also known as simply '''''The Little Mermaid''''' or '''''Ariel''''', is a [[w:1989 in film|1989]] American animated film produced by [[w: Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It tells a fairytale story about a mermaid who makes a [[w:Deal with the Devil|Faustian bargain]] with a villainous sea witch in an attempt to become human and win a prince's love. The [[w:The Little Mermaid (TV series)|same title of the spin-off series]] was aired on [[w:CBS|CBS]] from September 11, 1992 to November 26, 1994, and the direct to video films were released in 2000 with ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' and 2008 with ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]''. The [[The Little Mermaid (2023 film)|live-action remake]] of the same title was released on May 26, 2023. : ''Written and directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], based on the [[w:The Little Mermaid|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Hans Christian Andersen|Hans Christian Andersen]], and based on Atlantis mythology. Songs by [[w:Howard Ashman|Howard Ashman]] and [[w:Alan Menken|Alan Menken]].'' {{center|''' Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy. '''<small>[[#Tagline|Tagline]]</small>}} == Ariel == * Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? * If only I could make him understand. I just don't see things the way he does. I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad. * I've never seen a human this close before. Oh- He's very handsome, isn't he? * ''[furious]'' You... '''''<big>YOU MONSTER!!!</big>''''' * Eric, you've got to get away from here! * ''[softly]'' Just go away. == Prince Eric == * A girl rescued me. She was singing. She had the most beautiful voice. * I'm telling you, Grim, she was real. I'm gonna find that girl... and I'm gonna marry her. * Grim, I lost her once! I'm not gonna lose her again! * No, I won't leave you! == Sebastian == * Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. * ''[as Ariel sleeps]'' You are hopeless, child. You know that? Completely hopeless. * I tried to stop her, sire! She wouldn't listen! I told her to stay away from humans! They are bad! They are trouble! They—! * There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dyin' to try / You wanna kiss the girl. * Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty: Children got to be free to lead their own lives. == Flounder == * You know I can't swim that fast. * ''[screams in terror]'' '''''ARIEL!''''' == Scuttle == * Ariel, I was flying. I was- Of course I was flying. And I saw the watch- the ''witch'' was watchin' the mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set of pipes! ''[picks up Sebastian and slams him down on every word]'' '''''<big>DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M TELLIN' YOU?! THE PRINCE IS MARRYING THE SEA WITCH IN DISGUISE!</big>''''' == King Triton == * I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules, and I expect those rules to be obeyed! * ''[angrily; losing patience]'' So help me, Ariel, I am going to get through to you! And if this is the only way, so '''be''' it. == Ursula == * ''[watching Ariel quickly swim home from her lair; first lines]'' Yes, hurry home, Princess. We wouldn't want to miss old Daddy's celebration, now, would we? Ha! Celebration, indeed. Oh, bah! In my day, we had fantastical feasts when ''I'' lived in the palace. Now look at me, wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving, while he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. * Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it. It's too easy. The child is in love with a human. And not just any human. A prince! ''[Chuckles]'' Her daddy will love that. King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl would make a charming addition to my little garden. ''[Cackles]'' * Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn’t lurk in our doorways. It’s rude. * Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Ah, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure! Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles! Triton's daughter will be ''mine,'' and then I'll make him writhe. I'll see wriggle like a worm on a hook! * Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now! * You pitiful, insignificant fools! Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim. The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! * ''[last words before her demise]'' So much for true love! === Vanessa === * Eric! Get away from her! == Grimsby == * Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring and right before your eyes. == Chef Louis == * Come out, you little pipsqueak, and '''''FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!''''' ''['''Carlotta''': '''''LOUIS! What are you doing?!''''']'' Well, I was just... I'm sorry, madame. == Carlotta == * Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. == Princess Andrina == * Isn't it obvious, Father? Ariel's in love. ''['''King Triton''': Ariel? In love?]'' == Dialogue == :''[First lines; three seagulls fly through gray clouds then swoop down over the ocean. Below, a pod of smiling dolphins leap through the waves in arcing jumps and are swimming happily. The dolphins stop and a seagull flies beside them on the surface. Behind them, a sailing ship looms through the mist, crashing through the waves. The ship's huge wooden prowl heads straight towards the viewers and cruises past. On board, burly sailors haul in a net full of fish from the water.]'' :'''Sailors''': ''[Singing]'' I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho Look out, lad, a mermaid be waitin' for you In mysterious fathoms below. :''[A dark-haired young man named Prince Eric stands on deck.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face... ''[Eric's dog Max barks as the wind blows in their faces.]'' a perfect day to be at sea! :'''Grimsby''': ''[his face is green from obvious seasickness and he is leaning over the side of the ship to throw up]'' Oh yes... delightful... :'''Sailor 1''': A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a friendly-type mood. :'''Prince Eric''': King Triton? :'''Sailor 2''': Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. :'''Grimsby''': Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense. :'''Sailor 2''': ''[wildly waving a fish in Grimsby's face]'' But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' ya, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. :'''Sailors''': ''[singing]'' Heave. ho. Heave, ho. In mysterious fathoms below. :''[The fish in his hand wiggles away and lands back in the ocean, relieved. He stops for a breath then speeds down, leaving a trail of silvery bubbles behind him.]'' :''[Titles roll in shimmering letters "The Little Mermaid" as various fish swim and seaweed sways gently. The camera follows the escaped fish as it makes its way through the ocean pass some sea anemones, a school of tropical fish, and a group of jellyfishes. Neat the ocean floor a pod of whales swims as the fish swims near by a '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :''[In a landscape of coral and seaweed, merpeople swim. They speed over the ocean floor, gently slipping their flipper tails. Swimming through a tunnel, they reach a great palace with at the Kingdom of Atlantica. The merpeople and other sea creatures swim inside and take their seats filling the concert hall inside.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fish with trumpet-like noses play a fanfare. A tiny seahorse with a ruffled collar appears. He coughs before he speaks.]'' :'''Herald''': His Royal Highness, King Triton! :''[Triton enters dramatically, being pulled on a seashell chariot by a trio of dolphins to wild cheering. Sparks shoot from his trident and light a chandelier.]'' :'''Herald''': And presenting the distinguished court composer, Horatio Thelonious Ignatius Crustaceous Sebastian! :''[A fanfare of kazoos play. Sebastian, a tiny red crab, enters riding a small seashell chariot being pulled by two orange fish. He is met with mild applause. He pulls up beside King Triton.]'' :'''King Triton''': I'm really looking forward to this performance, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': Oh, Your Majesty, this will be the finest concert I have ever conducted. ''[Triton lets go bridles on the dolphins as the chariot on lands on the balcony]'' Your daughters - they will be spectacular! ''[The fish flip Sebastian upside down.]'' :'''King Triton''': Yes, and especially my little Ariel. :'''Sebastian''': Yes, yes, she has the most beautiful voice. Hmm? ... ''[under his breath]'' If only she'd show up for rehearsals once in a while... :''[A spotlight appears over Sebastian, and he rides his chariot out over the stage and takes his place at the podium. He takes out a book of music. He taps his baton and directs the orchestra of fish.]'' :''[The sisters swim out of giant clam shells as they sing.]'' :'''Ariel's sisters''': ''[singing]'' Oh, we are the daughters of Triton / Great Father who loves us and named us well: Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Attina, Adella, Alana And then there is the youngest in her musical debut / Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you / To sing a song Sebastian wrote, her voice is like a bell / She's our sister Ari– ''[ A shell rises as the sisters surround it. But when it opens, it is empty! all gasp]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily shouting, roaring]'' '''''<big>ARIEL!!!</big>''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to a sunken shipwreck.]'' :''[Triton's daughter Ariel appears on the mass of a sunken ship looking at something until she hears a voice.]'' :'''Flounder''': ''[from a distance]'' Ariel, wait for me... :'''Ariel''': ''[waving him over]'' Flounder, hurry up! :'''Flounder''': ''[catching up is a small yellow and blue fish named Flounder]'' You know I can't swim that fast. :'''Ariel''': ''[pointing to a sunken ship]'' There it is. Isn't it fantastic? :'''Flounder''': Yeah... sure... it - it's great. Now let's get outta here. :''[Flounder begins to swim away, and Ariel yanks his fins towards her.]'' :'''Ariel''': You're not getting cold fins now, are you? :''[Ariel swims towards the ship. Flounder follows after her.]'' :'''Flounder''': Who, me? No way. It's just, it, err... it looks - damp in there. Yeah. And I think I may be coming down with something. Yeah, I got this cough. :''[Flounder coughs unconvincingly.]'' :'''Ariel''': All right. I'm going inside. You can just stay here and - watch for sharks. :''[Ariel swims inside through a porthole.]'' :'''Flounder''': O.K. Yeah - you go. I'll stay and - ''[suddenly realizing what's she's said]'' what? Sharks! Ariel? :''[He tries to squeeze through the porthole but gets stuck.]'' :'''Flounder''': Ariel... I can't... I mean- Ariel help! :'''Ariel''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Flounder. :'''Flounder''': ''[whispering]'' Ariel, do you really think there might be sharks around here? :''[Ariel comes back to help him.]'' :'''Ariel''': Flounder, don't be such a guppy. :''[A huge Great White shark passes behind them as Flounder squeezes in.]'' :'''Flounder''': I'm not a guppy. ''[Flounder finally squeezes through and explores the ship with Ariel]'' This is great - I mean, I really love this. Excitement, adventure, danger lurking around every corner... :''[Flounder sees a skull and screams. He crashes into a pillar, causing wooden beams to fall down.]'' :'''Flounder''': '''''ARIEL!''''' :''[He swims frantically away, knocking over Ariel.]'' :'''Ariel''': Oh, are you okay? :''[Flounder shakes intensely.]'' :'''Flounder''': Yeah sure, no problem, I'm okay... :'''Ariel''': Shhh... :''[Ariel swims to an upper level of the ship. Resting atop a heap is a silver fork.]'' :'''Ariel''': Oh, my gosh! Oh my gosh! ''[picking up a fork]'' Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? :'''Flounder''': Wow, cool! But, err, what is it? :'''Ariel''': I don't know. But I bet Scuttle will. :''[Ariel puts the fork in her bag. The shark swims by outside.]'' :'''Flounder''': What was that? Did you hear something? :'''Ariel''': ''[distracted by a pipe]'' Hmm, I wonder what this one is? :'''Flounder''': Ariel... :'''Ariel''': Flounder, will you relax. Nothing is going to happen. :''[The shark appears in front of the porthole, behind Flounder, jaws wide open. He chomps down on the glass.]'' :'''Flounder''': '''''SHARK! SHARK! WE'RE GONNA DIE!''''' :''[The shark bangs his head on the ceiling of the ship. He chases Ariel and Flounder, and they swim for an upper deck. Flounder screams as the shark breaks through the floor, chomping towards them. Ariel's bag gets caught on a plank and she goes back for it.]'' :''[Flounder swims towards a porthole and gets stuck again.]'' :'''Flounder''': Oh, no! :''[Ariel pushes him through and wriggles out behind him. Flounder screams as the shark bursts through the wall and chases them around the ships' mast.]'' :''Flounder bumps into a crossbeam. The shark lunges towards Flounder but misses as Flounder sinks towards the bottom with a dazed look. Ariel spots him and swims down to get him, dropping her bag.]'' :''[The shark races towards them, but his head gets stuck in the ring of an anchor. Ariel picks up her bag, which has landed near her]'' :'''Flounder''': You big bully. :''[Flounder blows a raspberry. The shark snaps at him and Flounder swims with Ariel towards the surface.]'' :'''Ariel''': ''[laughing]'' Flounder, you really are a guppy. :'''Flounder''': I am not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to the surface.]'' :''[On a tiny island, a seagull named Scuttle hums a song and looks through his telescope.]'' :'''Scuttle''': ''[singing]'' 1492, dah-de-dum dee-do-do, rum-dim-dim, dee-do-dee-do :''[Scuttle sticks his telescope on his head]'' :'''Ariel''': Scuttle! :'''Scuttle''': ''[looking through the telescope the wrong way, making Ariel appear farther away, shouting]'' Whoa! Mermaid off the port bow! Ariel, how you doin' kid? :''[Scuttle lowers the telescope to reveal Ariel at wing's length]'' :'''Scuttle''': Whoa, what a swim! :'''Ariel''': Scuttle - look what we found. :''[Ariel pulls up her bag and hands it to Scuttle.]'' :'''Flounder''': Yeah - we were in this sunken ship - it was really creepy. :'''Scuttle''': Human stuff, huh? Hey, lemme see. :''[Scuttle drops an anchor. It catches on his foot and knocks him off his perch. Rummaging through Ariel's bag after stepping over Flounder, he takes out the fork.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Oh! Oh! Look at this. Wow - this is special - this is very, very unusual. :'''Ariel''': What? What is it? :'''Scuttle''': It's a dinglehopper! Humans use these little babies... '[[Scuttle flicks the fork, but catches it]'' to straighten their hair out. :''[Scuttle twirls the fork around his feathers on top of his head.]'' :'''Scuttle''': See - just a little twirl here an' a yank there and - violee! :''[Scuttles feathers go up in a poof.]'' :'''Scuttle''': You got an aesthetically pleasing configuration of hair that humans go nuts over. :''[Scuttle hands the fork back to Ariel.]'' :'''Ariel''': A dinglehopper! :'''Flounder''': ''[in reference to the pipe]'' What about that one? :''[Scuttle shows Ariel and Flounder a tobacco pipe]'' :'''Scuttle''': This, I haven't seen this in years. This is wonderful! A banded, bulbous snarfblatt. :'''Ariel and Flounder''': Oh! :'''Scuttle''': Now, the snarfblatt dates back to pre-hysterical times when humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day. [comes face to face with Ariel] Got very boring. So they invented this snarfblatt to make fine music. Please allow me. ''[blows into it, only to have seaweed and water come out]'' Oops. :'''Ariel''': ''[realizing what Scuttle said]'' Music! :'''Scuttle''': ''[coughs]'' It's stuffed! :'''Ariel''': Oh, the concert! Oh, my gosh, my Father's gonna kill me! :'''Flounder''': The concert was ''today?'' :'''Scuttle''': ''[inspects the "snarfblatt" further]'' Maybe you could make a little planter out of it or somethin'. :'''Ariel''': ''[takes it back]'' Uh, I'm sorry! I've gotta go! Thank you, Scuttle! :''[she and Flounder swim back home]'' :'''Scuttle''': Anytime, sweetie! Anytime. :'''Ursula''': ''[watching Ariel from her lair via Flotsam and Jetsam]'' Yes. Hurry home, Princess. We wouldn't want to miss old Daddy's celebration, huh? Would we? ''[scoffs]'' Celebration, indeed. Oh, bah! In my day, we had fantastical feasts, when ''I'' lived in the palace. ''[closeup of her eating a shrimp]'' Now, look at me. Wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving! While he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. ''[to her eels]'' Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. ''[fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Triton is admonishing Ariel in the throne room]'' :'''King Triton''': I just don't know what we're going to do with you, Little Lady. :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I'm sorry, I just forgot, I... :'''King Triton''': As a result of your careless behavior... :'''Sebastian''': Careless and reckless behavior. :'''King Triton''': The entire celebration was, er... :'''Sebastian''': Well, it was ruined! That is all, completely destroyed! This concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career. Now thanks to you, I am the laughingstock of the entire kingdom! :'''Flounder''': ''[angrily; swimming up to King Triton]'' But it wasn't her fault! I mean. Well, first, this shark chased us. Yeah, yeah! And we tried to… But we couldn't. And then, "grr!" And… and we, whoa! Ah, and then we were safe. But then this seagull came, and it was "this is this, and that is that, and…" :'''King Triton''': "Seagull"? What? Oh. You went up to the surface again, didn't you? ''Didn't you?!'' :'''Ariel''': Nothing... happened. :'''King Triton''': ''[exasperatedly]'' Ariel, how many times must we go through this? You could've been seen by one of those barbarians, by... by one of those... ''Humans!'' :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' Daddy, they're not barbarians! :'''King Triton''': They are ''dangerous.'' Do you think I want to see my youngest daughter snared by some fish-eater's hook? :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' I'm 16 years old! I'm not a child anymore! :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily; frustrated]'' Don't you take that tone of voice with me, Young Lady. As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey '''''MY''''' rules. :'''Ariel''': But if you would just listen— :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily]'' '''''NOT ANOTHER WORD!''''' '''And I am never, ''NEVER'' to hear of you going to the surface again.''' '''''IS THAT CLEAR?!''''' :''[Ariel disappointedly swims away]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hmph. Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. :'''King Triton''': Do you think I-I was too hard on her? :'''Sebastian''': Definitely not. Why, if Ariel was my daughter, I'd show her who was boss. So none of this flitting to the surface and other such nonsense. No, sir - I'd keep her under tight control. :'''King Triton''': ''[smiles]'' You're absolutely right, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': Of course. :'''King Triton''': Ariel needs constant supervision. :'''Sebastian''': ''Constant.'' :'''King Triton''': Someone to watch over her, to keep her out of trouble. :'''Sebastian''': All the time. :'''King Triton''': ''[pokes Sebastian]'' And ''you'' are just the crab to do it. :'''Sebastian''': But, I... :''[Cut to Sebastian walking down corridor.]'' :'''Sebastian''': How do I get myself into these situations? I'm supposed to be writing symphonies, not tagging along after some headstrong teenager. ''[Sees Ariel and Flounder sneaking off and follows.]'' Hmm? What is that girl up to? ''[He barely makes it into the grotto and sees Ariel's collection.]'' Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Ariel, are you okay? :'''Ariel''': If only I could make him understand ''[Sebastian covers his mouth in disbelief.]'' I just don't see things the way he does. I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things - could be bad. ''[Ariel swims around referencing various items in her collection. Sebastian frowns and stays out of sight. Ariel dances with Flounder and sings about her dream of being part of the human world. As Ariel's hair floats around her, she gazes up at a hole at the top of her grotto.]'' ''[Singing]'' Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? / Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? / Wouldn't you think I'm the girl? / The girl who has everything? / Look at this trove / Treasures untold / How many wonders can one cavern hold?/ Lookin’ around here you'd think / Sure, she's got everything. / I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty / I've got whozits and whatzits galore. ''[Sebastian looks through a pair of glasses; Ariel opens a box of wine cork removers]'' You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! / But who cares? / No big deal. / I want more / I wanna be where the people are. / I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancin’ / ''[plays with dancing music box]'' Walkin’ around on those, what do you call ‘em? / Oh, feet / Flippin’ your fins, you don't get too far. / Legs are required for jumpin’, dancin’ / Strollin’ along down a, what's that word again? Street / Up where they walk, up where they run / Up where they stay all day in the sun. / Wanderin’ free, wish I could be part of that world. / What would I give if I could live out of these waters? / What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand? / Betcha on land they understand / Bet they don't reprimand their daughters. / Bright young women, sick of swimmin’. / Ready to stand? / ''[reads a book]'' And ready to know what the people know / Ask them my questions and get some answers. / ''[looking for the portrait]'' What's a fire and why does it, what's the word? / Burn? / When's it my turn? / Wouldn't I love / love to explore that shore up above? ''[Swims to the top of the grotto and sticks her hand out; she then sadly sinks back down to the floor]'' / Out of the sea / Wish I could be, part of that world… :''[Sebastian has been struggling around and now comes crashing down making a lot of noise.]'' :'''Ariel''': Sebastian!? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? What, are you… How could you… what is all this? :'''Ariel''': It, err, it's just my... collection. :'''Sebastian''': Oh. I see. Your collection. Hmm. '''''IF YOUR FATHER KNEW ABOUT THIS PLACE, HE'D—''''' :'''Flounder''': You're not gonna tell him, are you? :'''Ariel''': Oh, please, Sebastian, he would never understand. :'''Sebastian''': Ariel. You are under a lot of pressure down here. Come with me, I'll take you home and get you something warm to drink. ''[A ship passes by overhead]'' :'''Ariel''': Now, what do you suppose…? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Ariel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel swims out of the grotto and up towards a ship. Above the surface, fireworks explode in the sky around ship. Ariel gasps and looks on, amazed. Sebastian and Flounder surface beside her.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, what - what are you- ''[gasping]'' Jumpin' jellyfish! ''[Ariel leaps to the ship.]'' Ariel, Ariel! Please come back! :''[Ariel climbs up the ship and watches a party on board eye-level at the deck. Three sailors play music as the others dance a jig. Max, a shaggy sheepdog barks and scampers around the dancers.]'' :Prince Eric: ''[whistles]'' Max, here, boy. ''[Max runs to Eric. Ariel touches her cheek where Max licked her.]'' Hey, come on, mutt, whatcha doin', huh Max? Good boy, good boy. :''[Max jumps on Eric and barks. Ariel sees him and is lovestruck. Scuttle flaps down towards her, speaking loudly.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Hey, there, sweetie! Quite a show, eh? :'''Ariel''': Scuttle, be quiet! They'll hear you. :'''Scuttle''': Oooh, I gotcha, I gotcha. We're bein' intrepidatious. '''''WE'RE OUT TO DISCOVER!''''' :'''Ariel''': ''[grabs his beak and looking around and sees Prince Eric]'' I've never seen a human this close before. Oh- He's very handsome, isn't he? :'''Scuttle''': ''[looking at Max]'' I dunno; he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me. :'''Ariel''': ''[laughs]'' Not that one! The one playing the snarfblatt! :'''Grimsby''': ''[holding his arms out]'' Silence! Silence! It is now my honor and privilege to present our esteemed Prince Eric with a very special, very expensive, very ''large'' birthday present. :''[Grimsby gestures towards a large object covered in cloth and tied with a red ribbon.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': ''[knocking Grimsby on the back]'' Ah, Grimsby - ya old beanpole, you shouldn't have. :''[Sailors cheer and whistle.]'' :'''Grimsby''': I know. Happy birthday, Eric! :''[A large, gaudy statue of Eric, holding a sword and stepping atop a giant royal crest is revealed. Max growls.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Gee, Grim. It's, uh, it's, uh - it's really somethin'. :'''Grimsby''': Yes, I commissioned it myself. Of course, I had hoped it would be a wedding present, but... :'''Prince Eric''': ''[grabbing the telescope from Grimsby]'' Aw, come on, Grim, don't start. Look, you're not still sore because I didn't fall for the princess of Glowerhaven, are you? :''[Eric looks out of the telescope for a second before tossing it back to Grimsby, who catches it clumsily.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, it isn't me alone. The entire kingdom wants to see you happily settled down with the right girl. :''[Eric sits on the railing of the ship looking out towards the sea.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Well, she's out there somewhere. I just - I just haven't found her yet. :'''Grimsby''': Well, perhaps you haven't been looking hard enough. :'''Prince Eric''': Believe me, Grim, when I find her, I'll know - without a doubt. It'll just - bam! - hit me - like lightning. :''[Grimsby and Eric look up to the sky as thick clouds of lightning and thunder appear and the sky grows dark turned green for a hurricane like '''[[w:Gulliver's Tales (1939 film)|Gulliver's Tales]]'''.]'' :'''Sailor''': '''''HURRICANE A'COMIN'! STAND FAST! SECURE THE RIGGIN'!''''' :''[Thunder rumbling, Eric and the sailors run to different parts of the deck as rain starts to fall and giant waves swell up, rocking the ship. The crew pulls hard on ropes tied to a sail.'' :''[In the ocean, a wave crashes over Flounder and Sebastian. On board, Scuttle holds onto a rope.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Whoa! The wind's all of a sudden on the move here! :''[A gust of wind blows Scuttle away.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Yo! '''''Ariel!''''' :''[On board, the captain tries to hold onto the ship's wheel, but it spins out of his hands. The ship crashes through storm and a wave passes over the deck. Eric runs to the wheel and grabs it.]'' :''[On the side of the ship, Ariel loses her grip on the ropes and falls into the water. Swimming underneath, she swims up the stern and sees a flash of lightning hit a sail. A fire breaks out smells like barbecue, and the ship looms towards jutting rocks. Ariel gasps.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': ''[pointing ahead]'' '''''Look out!''''' :''[The ship rams into the rocks and all are thrown overboard, except Max. Eric's statue sinks down below the waves beside Grimsby coughing, who flaps his arms about.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Grim, hang on! ''[Eric pulls him into a lifeboat, then sees Max still on the ship. The dog barks as flames flash in front of him.]'' Max! ''[Eric dives back into the water and climbs up the side of the burning ship smelling like barbecue. As he leaps onto the deck, one of the masts breaks and crashes down. Eric leaps out of the way. Flames spread.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! :''[Eric looks over deck. The flames reach a barrel of gunpowder, and the ship explodes. The sailors and Grimsby look on from their lifeboat, staring in horror. Ariel swims to the ship to find Eric. He floats on a board, unconscious and rolls off, sinking into the water. Ariel dives down to grab him and swims to the surface.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to the beach shore.]'' :''[On the beach, Eric lies on his back, unconscious, with Ariel leaning over him. Scuttle lands beside them.]'' :'''Ariel''': Is he - dead? :''[Scuttle opens Eric's eyelid.]'' :'''Scuttle''': It's hard to say. :''[Scuttle puts his head up against Eric's foot.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Oh, I - I can't make out a heartbeat. :'''Ariel''': No, look! He's breathing. ''[moving his hair from his face]'' He's so beautiful. :''[Sebastian and Flounder have washed up. They watch as Ariel caresses Eric's cheek and sings longingly. Sebastian drops his jaw in disbelief and Scuttle closes it.]'' :'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are? / What would I pay to stay here beside you? / What would I do to see you smiling at me? / Where would we walk, where would we run / If we could stay all day in the sun? / Just you and me, and I could be / Part of your world. :''[The sun parts through the gray clouds and Eric's eyes flutter open as he touches Ariel's hand, only seeing her waist up. He watches as the golden sunlight lights up behind her. Max barks and runs to lick Eric's face. Grimsby approaches and she dives into the water.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! Oh, Eric. You really delight in these sadistic strains on my blood pressure, don't you? :''[Grimsby helps Eric up and he shakes his head.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': A girl - rescued me... She was - singing... she had the most - beautiful voice. :'''Grimsby''': Ah, Eric, I think you've swallowed a bit too much seawater. Off we go. Come on, Max. :''[Max stands in the water, barking towards Ariel and her friends.]'' :'''Sebastian''': ''[to Flounder]'' We just gotta forget this whole ting ever happened. The sea king will never know. You won't tell him, ''I'' won't tell him. I will stay in one piece. :''[Ariel hoists herself upon a rock to watch Eric leave. Behind her, Flotsam and Jetsam rise from the water.]'' :'''Ariel''': I don't know when, I don't know how / But I know something's starting right now / Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be / Part of your world :''[Cuts to Ursula's lair.]'' :''[Ursula watches Ariel through a magical bubble.]'' :'''Ursula''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it - it's too easy. The child is in love with a human. And not just any human - a prince! ''[sarcastically]'' Her daddy'll ''love that.'' King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl ''would'' make a charming addition to my little garden. :''[Attached to the floor, hundreds of sad shriveled merfolk squirm and shake. Ursula laughs evilly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Atlantica Palace.]'' :''[Cuts to Mersisters' dressing room.]'' :'''Andrina''': Ariel, dear, time to come out. You've been in there all morning. :''[Ariel emerges from behind a curtain, humming "Part of Your World" to herself.]'' :'''Attina''': What is with her lately? :''[Ariel picks a red flower and swims away. She bumps into her father.]'' :'''Ariel''': Morning, Father. :''[Ariel puts the flower in his hair and swims off, spinning in circles. He chuckles.]'' :'''Attina''': Oh, she's got it bad. :'''King Triton''': What? What has she got? :'''Andrina''': Isn't it obvious, Father? Ariel's in love. :'''King Triton''': Ariel? ''In love?'' :''[King Triton picks the flower from his hair and looks at it.]'' :''[Cuts to the undersea rocks. Sebastian paces on a rock.]'' :'''Sebastian''': O.K. So far, so good. I don't think the king knows. :''[Orange flower petals fall around Sebastian. One lands on his face, and he blows it off.]'' :'''Sebastian''': But it will not be easy keeping something like this a secret for long. :''[The camera rises up to reveal Ariel picking orange flowers.]'' :'''Ariel''': He loves me... hmm, he loves me not... He loves me! I knew it! :''[Ariel hugs the last flower petal. Sebastian joins her on the rock.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, stop talking crazy. :'''Ariel''': I gotta see him again - tonight! Scuttle knows where he lives. :''[Ariel begins to swim away. Sebastian grabs onto her fins.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Please. Will you get your head out of the clouds and back in the water where it belongs? :'''Ariel''': I'll swim up to his castle. Then Flounder will splash around to get his attention, and then with... - :''[Sebastian gets in front of her face.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Down ''here'' is your home! Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there. :''[Sebastian and various other sea creatures sing to Ariel to convince her living in the ocean is the best life.]'' :'''Sebastian''': The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things surround you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floatin' / Under the sea :'''Sebastian and Blue Crab''': Down here all the fish is happy / As off through the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy :'''Sebastian''': They sad 'cause they in their bowl ''{a fish is seen in a bubble}'' / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry :'''Deep Voice Fish''': ''[bubble around him pops]'' Guess who's gon' be on the plate? :'''Sebastian''': Oh, no, under the sea / Under the sea / Nobody beat us / Fry us and eat us / In fricassee ''[fish swim around Ariel]'' / We what the land folks loves to cook / Under the sea we off the hook / We got no troubles / Life is the bubbles / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Since life is sweet here / We got the beat here / Naturally ''(naturally)'' / Even the sturgeon and the ray / They get the urge 'n' start to play / We got the spirit / You got to hear it / Under the sea / The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul / ''(Yeah)'' / The ray he can play / The lings on the strings / The trout rockin' out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh that blowfish blow :''[Flounder swims past the bunch but is pulled back by a fish who shimmies with him. He pulls free and finds Ariel, whispering in her ear. She smiles and swims away, following him.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yeah, under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / When the sardine / Begin the beguine / It's music to me ''(it's music to me)'' / What do they got? A lot of sand / We got a hot crustacean band / Each little clam here / Know how to jam here / Under the sea / Each little slug here / Cuttin' a rug here / Under the sea / Each little snail here / Know how to wail here / That's why it's hotter / Under the water / Ya we in luck here / Down in the muck here / Under the sea! :''[Sebastian does not notice and continues his song and dance with the sea creatures. Everyone points to Ariel's empty place as the grand finale and turns away disappointed.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Oh... somebody's got to nail that girl's fins to the floor. :'''Herald''': Sebastian! Sebastian, I've been looking all over for you. I've got an urgent message from The Sea King. :'''Sebastian''': The Sea King? :'''Herald''': ''[tugging at Sebastian]'' He wants to see you right away. Uh, something about Ariel. :''[Sebastian gasps.]'' :'''Sebastian''': He knows! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the palace, King Triton is sitting on his throne, as he looking at flower]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[laughs]'' Let's see, now... Oh, who could the lucky merman be? ''[notices Sebastian]'' ''[clears throat]'' Um... Come in, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': ''[as he walks to King Triton]'' I mustn't overreact. I must remain calm. ''[Five octaves higher than normal]'' Yes. ''[Ahem...]'' Yes, Your Majesty. :'''King Triton''': Sebastian, I'm concerned about Ariel. Have you noticed she's been acting peculiar lately? :'''Sebastian''': ''[pretending to act confused]'' Oh! Uh, peculiar? :'''King Triton''': You know, mooning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. You haven't noticed, hmm? :'''Sebastian''': Oh- well, I- :'''King Triton''': Sebastian? :'''Sebastian''': ''[looks up]'' Hmm? :'''King Triton''': I know you've been keeping something from me. :'''Sebastian''': ''[nervously]'' Keeping... someting? :'''King Triton''': About Ariel? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? :'''King Triton''': ''[point his trident at his chin]'' In love? :'''Sebastian''': ''[protested]'' '''''I TRIED TO STOP HER, SIRE! SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN! I TOLD HER TO STAY AWAY FROM HUMANS! THEY ARE BAD! THEY ARE TROUBLE! THEY—!''''' :'''King Triton''': ''[as he shocked at what Sebastian said]'' Humans? ''[and also losing control of his rage with his magic trident at full power and yelling at Sebastian]'' '''''WHAT ABOUT HUMANS?!''''' :'''Sebastian''': Humans? Ho ho ho ho… Who said anything about humans? :''[King Triton angrily grabs Sebastian]'' :''[Triton grabs Sebastian and pulls him away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Ariel's Grotto. Ariel and Flounder enter the grotto.]'' :'''Ariel''': Flounder, why can't you just tell me what this is all about? :'''Flounder''': You'll see. It's a surprise. :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the statue of Eric in the middle of the cave]'' Oh, Flounder- Flounder you're the best! It looks just like him. It even has his eyes. ''[speaking to the statue]'' Why, Eric, run away with you? This is all so... so sudden... ''[Ariel laughs and twirls around. She gasps as she sees Triton glaring in the entryway.]'' Daddy? :''[Flounder hides behind a chest.]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily confronts Ariel in her grotto]'' I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules and I expect those rules to be obeyed. :'''Ariel''': But Dad, I...! :'''King Triton''': Is it true you rescued a human from drowning?! :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I had to... :'''King Triton''': Contact between the human world and the merworld is strictly forbidden! Ariel, you know that! Everyone knows that! :'''Ariel''': He would've died! :'''King Triton''': One less human to worry about. :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' You don't even know him! :'''King Triton''': ''Know him? I don't have to know him!'' They're all the same: Spineless, savage, harpooning fish-eaters, incapable of any feeling... :'''Ariel''': '''''DADDY, I LOVE HIM!''''' :''[Ariel gasps in shock, as she has accidentally slipped the truth. Sebastian cringes in horror.]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[as he shocked at what Ariel said]'' No. ''[and also losing control of his outrage with his daughter]'' Have you lost your senses completely?! He's a HUMAN, you're a MERMAID! You've for never beat together. :'''Ariel''': I don't care! :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' So help me, Ariel, I will get through to you. And if this is the only way, '''''so be it.''''' :''[With his trident at full power, Triton furiously temper tantrum points it towards one of Ariel's treasures and angrily blasts it. The blast is so intense that it scares Ariel, including Sebastian]'' :'''Ariel''': '''''DADDY? NO, NO, PLEASE!''''' ''[But King Triton, in his rage, refuses to stop. He continues furiously pointing his trident at one artifact and then another, mindlessly destroying everything in his path]'' '''''DADDY, STOP! DADDY, STOP IT!''''' ''[She swims to her angry Father and tries stopping him, but it’s no use. The only treasure left in the grotto is the statue of Prince Eric. Seeing that he is now focused on that, Ariel turns to her angry Father]'' '''''DADDY, NO!''''' ''[But King Triton angrily ignores the pleas of his frightened daughter and angrily blasts the statue. Pieces of the statue fly around the grotto as the explosion subsides. The trident calms down as she looks in horror at where the statue was. Her grotto, full of many treasures just minutes ago, is now a barren cave with much wreckage. Overcome with sadness, she collapses onto the ground and starts sobbing. King Triton sternly looks at his daughter, but knowing that his time in the grotto is about over, he doesn't say a word and turns to leave. But as he does, he can't help but feel that he went too far in scolding Ariel for some reason. He glimpses at Ariel with remorse before leaving. Sebastian and Flounder are the only ones left in the grotto and are terrified at what just happened. Feeling terrible for Ariel, Sebastian approaches the crying girl and tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, I... :'''Ariel''': ''[softly]'' Just go away. :''[Sebastian, remorseful in agreement for leading King Triton into the grotto, which resulted in the destruction of Ariel's treasures, leaves somberly with Flounder. Ariel was now on her own, sobbing over losing her treasures, all that she collected for years, and the Prince Eric statue, the newest and most fascinating treasure of them all. She was now left with nothing.]'' :''[The camera pans out to show the destroyed grotto. Flotsam and Jetsam peer out over a shelf.]'' :'''Flotsam''': Poor child. :'''Jetsam''': Poor, sweet child. :'''Flotsam''': She has a very serious problem. :'''Jetsam''': If only there were something we could do. :'''Flotsam''': But there ''is'' something. :'''Ariel''': ''[stops crying for smelling hickory grotto]'' Who... who are you? :'''Jetsam''': Don't be scared. :'''Flotsam''': We represent someone who can help you. :'''Jetsam''': Someone who could make all your dreams come true. :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Just imagine... :'''Jetsam''': You and your prince... :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Together... forever... ''[they form a heart]'' :'''Ariel''': I don't understand. :'''Jetsam''': Ursula... has great powers. :'''Ariel''': ''[gasps and places a hand to her heart.]'' The Sea Witch? ''[shaking her head]'' Why, that's... I couldn't possibly... no! Get out of here. Leave me alone! :'''Flotsam''': Suit yourself. :'''Jetsam''': It was only a suggestion. :''[Jetsam flicks the statue's broken face towards Ariel. She picks it up.]'' :'''Ariel''': ''[looking at the face]'' Wait. :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Yes? :'''Flounder''': ''[sniffling]'' Poor Ariel. :'''Sebastian''': I didn't mean to tell, it was an accident. :''[Ariel passes by with Flotsam and Jetsam. Alarmed, Sebastian swims up.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel - where are you going? Ariel, what are you doing here with this riff-raff? :'''Ariel''': ''[determinedly]'' I'm going to see Ursula. :''[Sebastian gasps and grabs onto Ariel's fins.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, no! No, she's a demon, she's a monster! :'''Ariel''': ''[looking back at Sebastian]'' Why don't you go tell my father? You're good at that. :''[Ariel shakes Sebastian off.]'' :'''Sebastian''': But... But I... ''[to Flounder]'' Come on. :''[Sebastian and Flounder follow them.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Ursula's Lair]'' :''[Ariel and the eels swim towards Ursula's lair, which is shaped like a sea monster. An eerie purple light glows from inside then purple/pink smoke poofs. As they swim towards the mouth, Ariel stops.]'' :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': This way. :''[They enter through the mouth and pass by the garden of souls. Ariel looks at them disgustedly. One grabs her arm, but Ariel pulls free. Ursula's voice is heard from her conch shell rest.]'' :'''Ursula''': Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn't lurk in doorways - it's rude. ''[Ursula comes down and sits at the vanity]'' One ''might'' question your upbringing... Now, then. You're here because you have a thing for this human. This, er, prince fellow. Not that I blame you - he is quite a catch, isn't he? Well, angel fish, the solution to your problem is simple. [''Ursula puts on bright red lipstick and puckers her lips.]'' The only way to get what you want - is to become a human yourself. :'''Ariel''': Can you do that? :'''Ursula''': My dear, sweet child. That's what I do - it's what I live for. To help unfortunate merfolk - like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. :''[Ursula opens up a glowing cauldron with pink vapor and sings about helping "poor unfortunate souls." Sebastian and Flounder enter the lair.]'' :'''Ursula''': I admit that in the past I've been a nasty / They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch / But you'll find that nowadays / I've mended all my ways / Repented, seen the light and made a switch / True? Yes! / And I fortunately know a little magic / It's a talent that I always have possessed / And here lately, please don't laugh / I use it on behalf / Of the miserable, lonely and depressed ''[spoken]'' ''[to Flotsam and Jetsam]'' Pathetic. ''[singing]'' Poor unfortunate souls / In pain / In need / This one longing to be thinner / That one wants to get the girl / And do I help them? / Yes, indeed / Those poor unfortunate souls / So sad, so true / They come flocking to my cauldron / Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!" / And I help them / Yes, I do / Now it's happened once or twice / Someone couldn't pay the price / And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals / Yes, I've had the odd complaint / But on the whole I've been a saint / To those poor unfortunate souls. ''[grabbing Ariel]'' Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? ''[motioning with her fingers]'' Three days. Now listen, this is important. Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get Dear Ol' Princey to fall in love with you. That is, he's got to '''''kiss you'''''. Not just ''any kiss'' - a special kiss - the kiss of true love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain human, permanently, but - if he doesn't, you turn back into a mermaid, and - you belong to me. :'''Sebastian''': No, Ariel! don't be stupid. :''[Before Sebastian could say anything more, Flotsam and Jetsam wrap around him and Flounder to shut them up.]'' :'''Ursula''': ''[grabbing Ariel's face]'' Have we got a deal? :'''Ariel''': If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again. :'''Ursula''': That's right... But, you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices, innit? Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know? :'''Ariel''': But I don't have anything. :''[Ursula uses a tentacle to shut up Ariel.]'' :'''Ursula''': I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is... your voice. :'''Ariel''': ''[touching her throat]'' My voice? :'''Ursula''': You've got it, Sweet Cakes. No more talking, singing, zip. :'''Ariel''': But without my voice, how can I - :'''Ursula''': You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha! ''[Ursula shakes her hips and resumes singing.]'' ''[Ursula mixes her potion and pulls out a golden contract and quill in the shape of a fish's skeleton. Flounder and Sebastian gape as Ariel signs the contract.]'' The men up there don't like a lot of blabber / They think a girl who gossips is a bore / Yes, on land it's much preferred / For ladies not to say a word / And, after all, dear, what is idle prattle for? / Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation / True gentlemen avoid it when they can / But they dote and swoon and fawn / On a lady who's withdrawn / It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man / Come on, you poor unfortunate soul / Go ahead! / Make your choice! / I'm a very busy woman / And I haven't got all day / It won't cost much / Just your voice! / You poor unfortunate soul / It's sad / But true / If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet / You've got to pay the toll / Take a gulp and take a breath / And go ahead and sign the scroll! / Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys / The boss is on a roll / This poor unfortunate soul! / Beluga! Sevruga! Come, winds of the Caspian Sea! / Amnesia, glossitis et max laryngitis, la voce to me! ''[Ursula begins casting her spell to take Ariel's voice. A giant, ghastly pair of creepy green hands appear beside Ursula, who is cast in green light.]'' Now... sing! ''[Ariel vocalizes besides the green smoke.]'' Keep singing! ''[A glowing green current whips around Ariel as her voice glows within her. The hands rip out Ariel's voice and it floats into Ursula's shell necklace, who laughs evilly.]'' :''[A poof of pink/purple smoke rises from the cauldron and a bubble forms around Ariel. A whipping gold current rushes around her and her tail splits into two legs. She hurriedly tries to swim and is rushed to the surface by Flounder and Sebastian.]'' :''[Ariel springs into the air to get a breath of air. She puts her arms around Sebastian and Flounder, and they swim her to the shore.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to the shore.]'' :''[Eric leans his back on his seaside castle and plays the flute. Max is beside him.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': That voice. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked everywhere, Max - where could she be? :''[n a cove further along the shoreline, Ariel lays on a rock. Sebastian and Flounder pant, exhausted. Ariel pushes her hair out of her face and sits up. She sees her legs and is amazed. She lifts her foot in the air and wiggles her toes.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Well, look at what the catfish dragged in! ''[Scuttle lands on her leg.]'' Look at ya! Look at ya! There's somethin' different. Don't tell me - I got it. It's your hairdo, right? ''[Ariel shakes her head.]'' You've been usin' the dinglehopper, right? No? No huh, well let me see. New... seashells? No new seashells. ''[Ariel shakes the leg Scuttle is perched on to give him a clue.]'' I gotta admit, I can't put my foot on it right now, but if I just stand here long enough, I know that I'll - :'''Sebastian''': ''[shouting]'' '''She's got ''legs,'' you idiot!''' She traded her voice to the Sea Witch and got ''legs.'' Jeez, man... :'''Scuttle''': I knew that. :'''Flounder''': Ariel's been turned into a human. She's gotta make the prince fall in love with her, and he's gotta ki- he's gotta kiss her. :''[Ariel's legs wobble as she tries to stand up.]'' :'''Sebastian''': And she's only got three days. ''[Ariel falls over, splashing her friends.]'' Just look at her. On legs. On human legs! My nerves are shot. This is a catastrophe! What would her father say! I'll tell you what her father'd say! ''[grabbing Flounder's face]'' He'd say he's gonna kill himself a crab, that's what her father'd say! ''[marching away]'' I'm gonna march meself straight home right now and tell him just like I shoulda done de minute- ''[Ariel picks up Sebastian and holds him in his hands. He wags his claw at her as she shakes her head.]'' And don't you shake your head at me, young lady! Maybe there's still time. If we could get that witch to give you back your voice, you could go home with all the normal fish, and just be... just be... just be miserable for the rest of your life. All right, all right, we'll help you find dat prince. ''[Ariel smiles and kisses Sebastian's head. She sets him down.]'' Boy. What a soft-shell I'm turning out to be. :''[Scuttle lands beside wreckage.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Now, Ariel, I'm tellin' ya, if you wanna be a human the first thing you gotta do is dress like one. Now lemme see. ''[He picks up a sail.]'' :''[Eric walks along the shore with Max. He sniffs and raises his brow. He barks and hops around excitedly. He runs down the beach.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Max? Huh... what, Max! :''[Eric follows Max. Scuttle whistles.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Ya look great, kid. Ya look - sensational. :''[Ariel wears the sail tied with ropes. She's alarmed by Max's barking. Flounder splashes back into the sea and Sebastian skitters away hopping behind a rock. Ariel climbs onto the rock and Max licks her face.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Max... Max - Quiet Max ''[Max tugs at Eric's leg.]'' What's gotten into you fella? ''[seeing Ariel]'' Oh... Oh, I see. Are you O.K., miss? I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you. He's harmless, really - ''[Eric gazes at her face and points at her.]'' You... seem very familiar... to me. Have we met? ''[Ariel nods.]'' We ''have'' met? ''[Max comes between them and barks.]'' I knew it! ''[grabbing Ariel's hands]'' You're the one - the one I've been looking for! What's your name? ''[Ariel tries to answer, but no sound comes out of her mouth. She touches her throat, disappointed.]'' What's wrong? What is it? ''[Ariel taps her throat.]'' You can't speak? ''[Ariel shakes her head.'' Oh, oh. Then you couldn't be who I thought. ''[Ariel and Max let out frustrated sighs. Ariel waves her arms in an attempt to pantomime].'' What is it? You're hurt? No, No... You need help. ''[Ariel falls into his arms. Eric holds her, helping her stand.]'' Whoa, whoa, careful - careful - easy. Gee, you must have really been through something. Don't worry, I'll help you. Come on... Come on, you'll be okay. :''[Eric leads her away. Scuttle gives a thumbs up and Flounder grins.]'' :''[In a magnificent 1820s bathroom, Ariel sits in a water tub of bubbles.]'' :'''Carlotta''': Washed up from a shipwreck. Oh, the poor thing. We'll have you feeling better in no time. ''[Carlotta splashes a bucket of water on top of her head. Sebastian peeks out from where he's been hiding in Ariel's makeshift dress. Carlotta picks it up, grimacing.]'' I'll just - I'll just get this washed for you. :''[Sebastian sits in a tub of soapy water as women surround it and wash.]'' :'''Woman 1''': Well, you must have at least heard about this girl. :'''Woman 2''': Well, Gertrude says... :''[The woman rungs the dress down a washboard and Sebastian is pulled along with it.]'' :'''Woman 2''': ...since when has Gertrude got anything right. ''[Sebastian burps with bubbles]'' I mean really, this girl shows up in rags and doesn't speak-''[Sebastian is pulled through a wringer with a shirt.]'' Not my idea of a princess. If Eric's looking for a girl, I know a couple of highly available ones right here... :''[Sebastian crawls into the pocket of shirt that is hung to dry. As the shirt slides past a window, he falls in headfirst. His eyes bug out as he sees dead fish on a chopping block, a boiling pot of sea creatures, and a platter of stuffed crabs. He faints.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grimsby sits at the head of the table as Eric gazes out the windows, which stretch from floor to ceiling, at the ocean.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, be reasonable. Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some - :'''Prince Eric''': I'm tellin' you, Grim, she was real! I'm gonna find that girl - and I'm gonna marry her. :'''Carlotta''': Ha Ha. Come on honey. Don't be shy. :''[Carlotta and Ariel come through the entrance. Ariel wears a long sleeve pink gown with pink high heels.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, isn't she a vision? :'''Prince Eric''': Uh, you look - wonderful. :'''Grimsby''': ''[taking Ariel]'' Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. ''[Grimsby and Eric settle Ariel into a chair.]'' There we go - ah - quite comfy? Uh. It's - It's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh Eric? ''[Ariel sees a fork on the table and picks it up, combing her hair. Eric holds a goblet and raises an eyebrow. Grimsby looks perplexed. She puts it down, embarrassed]'' Uh, do you like it? It is rather a fine one... :''[She blows into it, covering Grimsby's face in ashes by Ariel. Eric laughs.]'' :'''Carlotta''': Oh, my! :'''Prince Eric''': Ahem, so sorry, Grim. :'''Carlotta''': Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. :''[Ariel smiles at this. Grimsby wipes his face.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, very amusing. Carlotta, my dear, what's for dinner? :'''Carlotta''': Ooo, you're gonna love it. Chef's been fixing his specialty, stuffed crab. :''[Sebastian watches Chef Louis take out a bowl of dead fish. He sings to himself as he cooks.]'' :'''Chef Louis''': Nouvelle Cuisine / Les Champs-Elysées / Maurice Chevalier / Les poissons, les poissons / How I love les poissons / Love to chop and to serve little fish / First I cut off their heads / Zen I pull out their bones / Ah mais oui, ça c'est toujours délice / Les poissons, les poissons / Hee hee hee, haw haw haw / With the cleaver I hack zem in two / I pull out what's inside ''[pulls out the guts from the fish and throws it in a pot]'' / And I serve it up fried / 'Cause I love little fishes, don't you? / Here's something for tempting ze palate ''[Sebastian quivers and hides as Louis brutalizes the sea creatures.]'' ''[A fish's head lands in front a mortified Sebastian. He hides under a leaf of lettuce to escape]'' / Prepared in the classic technique / ''[But as Louis clangs down on the table with a cleaver, Sebastian is jolted into the air.]'' First you pound the fish flat with a mallet / Then you slash through the skin / Give the belly a slice / Then you rub some salt in / 'Cause that makes it taste nice. ''[Louis raises the leaf and sees Sebastian.]'' Zut alors, I have missed one! ''[Louis picks up Sebastian.]'' Sacre bleu! What is this? How on earth could I miss such a sweet little succulent crab? Quel dommage, what a loss! Here we go in the sauce. ''[He throws him in a sauce bowl with Polynesian sauce and throws flour on him.]'' Now some flour-I think just a dab. ''[Sebastian sneezes.]'' Now I stuff you with bread. ''[Louis stuffs Sebastian's shells with lettuce and bread.]'' It don't hurt, 'cause you're dead And you're certainly lucky you are. ''[he spits it out.]'' 'Cause it's gonna be hot in my big silver pot. Tootle-loo, mon poisson, au revoir! ''[He tosses Sebastian into the boiling pot, with one of the hot bubbles popping at him changing him back to red and tossing him out of the pot and on the counter. Chef Louis notices him. He picks him up with a fork.]'' What is this? :''[Sebastian pinches his nose and Sebastian flies away, landing on the handle of a saucepan. Louis tries to grab him again and his hand goes on the stove. Yowling, he reels back in pain. A pan lands on his foot and he hops about.]'' :''[He grabs knives from a knife block and throws them towards Sebastian, who scampers through a small hole in the cabinet. On the counter he drops a bowl with food onto Louis' head. He runs under the cabinet again as the chef lifts an enormous knife and chops it in half.]'' :''[Sebastian dashes across the floor as a knife lands in front of him. He runs between Louis' legs towards a cabinet with dishes. Louis jumps to the cabinet with a hammer.]'' :''[Crashing noises are heard.]'' :'''Carlotta''': I think I'd better go see what Louis is up to. :''[The kitchen is in total disarray as Louis digs around looking for Sebastian.]'' :'''Chef Louis''': Come out, you little pipsqueak, and '''''FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!''''' :'''Carlotta''': ''[losing control of her rage and yelling at Louis]'' '''''LOUIS!''''' :''[Louis bangs his head. Carlotta puts her hands on her hips.]'' :'''Carlotta''': '''''What are you doing?!''''' :'''Chef Louis''': Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, Madame. ''[Extinguishes the flame on his mustache]'' :''[Carlotta carries out the dinner plates in a huff.]'' :'''Grimsby''': You know, Eric, perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour? :''[Carlotta sets their plates down. Eric gazes at Ariel, head in hand.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': I'm sorry, Grim, what was that? :'''Grimsby''': You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. :''[Grimsby lifts his plate's cover to reveal Sebastian cowering in the salad. He motions "shh."]'' :'''Grimsby''': Get your mind off - :''[Ariel beckons him to hide in her plate.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': It's not a bad idea, if she's interested. :''[Sebastian runs to Ariel's plate, and she covers it.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Well - whaddaya say? Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow? :''[Ariel nods vigorously, leaning heavily on her plate's cover.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Wonderful, now let's eat, before this crab wanders off my plate. :''[He stabs his fork at an empty plate.]'' :''[Ariel leans on her balcony, wearing a long sleeve pink nightgown. She watches as Eric plays with Max on the lawn.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Come here, boy! Grrr... :''[Max licks Eric's face and Eric ruffles his fur. He sees Ariel and waves. She waves shyly and backs into her room.]'' :''[Ariel brushes her hair with a fork and Sebastian sits on a table.]'' :'''Sebastian''': This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life. ''[Sebastian picks a lettuce leaf off his head. Ariel passes him and pats his head]'' I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady. ''[Ariel sinks into her bed.]'' Now - we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you. Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best. You gotta bat your eyes - like this. You gotta pucker up your lips - like this. ''[Sebastian demonstrates to Ariel. He sees Ariel has fallen asleep. Smiling, he blows out a candle on the nightstand and hops onto the pillow beside her.]'' Hmm. You are hopeless child. You know dat? Completely hopeless... :''[The seahorse swims hurriedly to the throne room, where King Triton swims back and forth with his hands behind his back.]'' :'''King Triton''': Any sign of them? :'''Herald''': No, Your Majesty. We've searched everywhere. We've found no trace of your daughter - or Sebastian. :'''King Triton''': Well, keep looking. Leave no shell unturned, no coral unexplored. Let no one in this kingdom sleep until she's safe at home. :'''Herald''': Yes, sire. :''[The seahorse bows and leaves. Triton sits in his throne.]'' :'''King Triton''': Oh, what have I done? What have I done? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Carlotta and Grimsby wave goodbye to Eric and Ariel as they ride away in a horse-drawn buggy. They take a road leading to town and Ariel points excitedly. Ariel leans over the side of the buggy to watch the ground and the horse's feet clopping.]'' :''[As they pass over a canal, Flounder leaps through the water. Sebastian peers out over the buggy.]'' :'''Flounder''': Has he kissed her yet? :'''Sebastian''': Not yet. :'''Flounder''': ''[disappointedly]'' Ohh. :''[In the bustling town square, Ariel watches a man push a cart of clucking chickens. Two puppets perform on a small stage. Ariel pulls one off, revealing the puppeteer's hand. She pulls Eric's hand to the dance area. He twirls her and lifts her into the air.]'' :''[Scuttle flies overhead as Flounder swims in the canal.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Yo, Flounder! Any kissing? :'''Flounder''': No, not yet. :'''Scuttle''': Hmm. Well, they - they better get crackin'. :''[In the buggy, Eric and Ariel ride out of town. Ariel wears a hat and holds bread, a bouquet of flowers, and a pair of boots. Eric offers Ariel the reins. She eagerly snaps them and the buggy races forward. Eric gasps, seeing a wide gulley ahead. Ariel speeds and they soar across to the other side. Eric peeks up from the floor of the buggy. As they rise off into the countryside, Eric relaxes, folding his hands behind his head.]'' :''[Eric rows himself and Ariel out on the lagoon.]'' :'''Flounder''': Move over - move your big feathers. I can't see a thing. :'''Scuttle''': Nothing, is happening... Only one day left, and that boy ain't puckered up once. O.K. All right, this calls for a little vocal romantic stimulation. Stand back. :''[Scuttle lands on a branch and sings horribly.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Wow. Somebody should find that poor animal and put it out of its misery. :''[Ariel grimaces and puts her head in her hands as Scuttle signals "A OK." Sebastian covers his ears.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Jeez, man, I'm surrounded by amateurs! ''[He dives down into the water and picks a reed.]'' You want something done, you've got to do it yourself. First, we got to create the '''''mood.''''' ''[Ducks appear and turtles turn over on their backs.]'' Percussion... ''[The ducks tap the turtle's bellies as if they were drums.]'' Strings...''[Sebastian conducts crickets, who rub their legs together]'' Winds... ''[The wind blows through the reeds.]'' Words. ''[singing]'' There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dyin' to try / You wanna kiss the girl :'''Prince Eric''': ''[turning to look back]'' Did you hear something? :''[Ariel shrugs.]'' :''[Sebastian and the lagoon creatures continue singing, disappointed that Eric hasn't kissed Ariel.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yes, you want her / Look at her, you know you do / Possible she wants you too / There is one way to ask her / It don't take a word / Not a single word / Go on and kiss the girl / Sing with me now / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / My oh my / Look like the boy too shy / Ain't gonna kiss the girl / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Ain't that sad? / Ain't it a shame? / Too bad, he gonna miss the girl :'''Prince Eric''': You know, I feel really bad not knowing your name. Heh - maybe I could guess. Is it, uh, Mildred? ''[Ariel sticks out her tongue in disgust.]'' O.K., no. How 'bout - Diana? ''[Ariel shakes her head.]'' Rachel? :'''Sebastian''': ''[whispering]'' Ariel. Her name is Ariel. :''[Eric looks back, confused.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel? ''[Ariel nods enthusiastically.]'' Ariel? ''[Ariel takes his hand]'' Well, that's kinda pretty. O.K. - Ariel... :''[Sebastian and the lagoon creatures continue serenading them as they float along. Two pelicans pull back the leaves of a willow tree as Eric and Ariel pass through.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Now's your moment ''(ya, ya, ya)'' / Floating in a blue lagoon ''(ya, ya, ya)'' / Boy, you better do it soon / No time will be better ''(ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya)'' / She don't say a word / And she won't say a word / Until you kiss the girl ''[Fish circle under the boat, turning it slowly.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Don't be scared ''(sha-la, sha-la-la ya, ya, ya)'' / You got the mood prepared ''(woah, woah)'' / Go on and kiss the girl ''[Fireflies surround the boat.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Don't stop now ''(sha-la, sha-la-la ya, ya, ya)'' / Don't try to hide it how / You wanna kiss the girl ''(whoa, whoa)'' / ''[As Scuttle begins to sing, flamingos shut him up.]'' Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Float along ''(sha-la, sha-la-la)'' / And listen to the song / The song say kiss the girl ''(whoa, whoa)'' ''[Fish, including Flounder, surround the boat and spurt water from their lips, creating a fountain effect. The animals whisper to kiss Ariel.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / The music play ''(ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya)'' / Do what the music say / You got to kiss the girl ''[Eric leans in and gazes into her eyes. Ariel closes her eyes and puckers her lips in anticipation.]''/ You've got to kiss the girl / Oh, don't you wanna kiss the girl / You've gotta kiss the girl / Go on and kiss the girl :''[Eric closes his eyes as well and their lips nearly touch before they are knocked out of the rowboat, which flips thanks to Flotsam and Jetsam, then Eric and Ariel fall into the water.]'' :''[Sebastian hits his head and Scuttle looks mortified.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Whoa, hang on - I've gotcha. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lagoon creatures skitter away as Flotsam and Jetsam rise and slap their tails in the style of a high-five and snicker.]'' :''[Ursula watches Ariel and Eric through a bubble.]'' :'''Ursula''': Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Oh, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure. ''[Ursula swims to her shelf of ingredients and smashes them aside, picking up some ingredients.'' Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles! ''[Ursula smashes ingredients into the cauldron, sending puffs of smoke in the water.]'' Triton's daughter will be mine! And then I'll make him writhe. I'll see him wriggle like a worm on a hook! ''[Laughing, she clutches her nautilus shell around her neck. A golden light emanates from behind her transitioning into the moon. Ursula transforms into a human and her voice becomes Ariel's.]'' :''[The moon shines bright. On a terrace, Eric plays the melody of "Part of Your World (Reprise)" on his flute. He gazes out to sea, contemplating as Grimsby approaches.]'' :'''Grimsby''': ''[putting an arm around Eric]'' Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl, is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring, and right before your eyes. :''[Eric glances up at a window where Ariel stands in her nightgown, combing her hair with a fork. Eric smiles towards her. He looks sadly at his flute. Gazing firmly at it, he stakes a step back and throws it out into the water. He looks towards Ariel's window and begins to stride towards it, but stops.]'' :''[He hears Ariel's voice vocalizing "Ahhh." He leans over the edge of the terrace to see a woman walking along the shore, Ursula in disguise. Eric strains to see her clearly. The shell necklace hangs around her neck, glowing brightly. An eerie golden mist winds through the air towards Eric. It fills his eyes, enchanting him.]'' :''[Scuttle swoops over the castle, flying to Ariel's window.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Ariel! Ariel, wake up! Wake up! I just heard the news. Congratulations, kiddo, we did it! :''[Scuttle shakes Ariel's hand as she sits up, still half-asleep. Sebastian yawns and tries to go back to sleep.]'' :'''Sebastian''': What is this idiot babbling about?! :'''Scuttle''': Right - as if you two didn't know, uh? The whole town's buzzin' about the Prince gettin' himself hitched this afternoon! You know, he's gettin' married! :''[Scuttle picks up Sebastian and rubs his head.]'' :'''Scuttle''': You silly sidewalker! ''[to Ariel]'' I just wanted to wish you luck. I'll catch you later, I wouldn't miss it! :''[Scuttle flies out the window. Ariel's eyes grow wide. Leaping out of bed, she scoops up Sebastian, twirls him around and gives him a kiss on the head. She fluffs her hair and rushes out the room and down the stairs. Sebastian gets out of bed and follows her]'' :'''Grimsby''': Well, uh - err, Eric. I-it appears that I was mistaken. ''[Ariel stops, flabbergasted. She hides behind a beam and listens on.]'' This mystery maiden of yours does - in fact exist. And - and she is lovely. ''[holding Vanessa's hand]'' Congratulations, my dear. :'''Prince Eric''': We wish to be married as soon as possible. :'''Grimsby''': Oh, yes - of course, Eric, but, er - but these things do take time, you know... :'''Prince Eric''': This afternoon, Grimsby. The wedding ship departs at sunset. :'''Grimsby''': Oh, oh - very well, Eric - as you wish. :''[Ariel is distraught and runs off crying. Vanessa touches her necklace and laughs as Eric stands stiffly, under a trance.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wedding boat departs from the dock. Ariel stands at the docks watching. She sinks to the ground, burying her head and cries. Sebastian looks up at her and sadly bows his head. A tear rolls down her cheek and falls in the water. Nearby, Flounder cries too. Over the ship, Scuttle swoops down over the sky.]'' :'''Vanessa''': What a lovely little bride I'll make / My dear, I'll look divine ''[Scuttle peeks through a porthole to see "Vanessa" singing to herself.]''/ Things are working out according / To my ultimate design ''[She throws a hairpin at the Angel figure in her mirror. He gulps, realizing the bride is not Ariel.]'' / Soon I'll have that little mermaid / And the ocean will be mine ''[Vanessa steps onto her vanity, crushing a bottle. She twirls around and pulls the mirror towards her. Scuttle sees her reflection is that of Ursula.]'' :'''Scuttle''': The Sea Witch! Oh no... She's gotta- I gotta... ''[In a rush to leave, he bumps his head on the porthole. He flies back to Ariel.]'' Ariel! Ariel! Ariel, I was flying, I wa - of course I was flying - An' - I s- I saw that the watch - the witch was watchin' a mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set o' pipes! ''[Scuttle picks up Sebastian and clanks him against the ground repeatedly.]'' '''''Do you hear what I'm tellin' you?!''''' The Prince is marrying the Sea Witch in disguise! :''[Ariel drops her jaw.]'' :'''Sebastian''': ''[rubbing his head]'' Are you sure about this? :'''Scuttle''': Have I ever been wrong? I mean when it's important! :'''Flounder''': What are we gonna do!? :''[Ariel looks to the setting sun and hears Ursula's voice in her head.]'' :'''Ursula''': Before the sun sets on the third day... :''[Ariel leaps into the water and splashes around helplessly. Sebastian cuts free some barrels for Ariel to hang onto.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, grab on to dat. Flounder, get her to that boat as fast as your fins can carry you! :'''Flounder''': I'll try. :''[Flounder loops himself onto the rope and pulls Ariel along to the boat.]'' :'''Sebastian''': I've gotta get to the sea king. He must know about this. :'''Scuttle''': What - What about me? What about me? :'''Sebastian''': You - find a way to '''''stall dat wedding!''''' :'''Scuttle''': Stall the wedding. Wh- what am I - what - that's it! ''[Scuttle squawks and takes off for the lagoon, alerting the other birds. Bluebirds and flamingos follow him. Starfish, lobsters, dolphins, and sea lions look up. The animals follow Scuttle.]'' Move it! Let's go! We've got an emergency here! :''[Cut to: Deck of Eric's boat]'' :''[Vanessa and Eric walk down the aisle. Max snarls at her as she passes by, and she kicks him. A short bishop stands at the end of the aisle.]'' :'''Bishop''': Dearly beloved... :''[Cut to: Ocean]'' :''[Flounder pulls Ariel.]'' :'''Flounder''': Don't worry Ariel. Ugh - we - we're gonna make it. We're almost there. :''[Cut to: Deck of Eric's boat]'' :'''Bishop''': Yes, um, do you Eric, take Vanessa, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for as long as you both shall live? :''[Vanessa looks out to the sun, noticing it's almost set.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': I do. :''[Scuttle squawks.]'' :'''Bishop''': Eh, and do you... ''[A squadron of bluebirds swoop down from the sky, led by Scuttle, aimed directly towards Vanessa. She ducks. They circle around and fly under her white dress. Max barks. Guests are alarmed as sea lions get on deck. Pelicans fly overhead and dump beaks full of water on Vanessa. A lobster pinches her nose and starfish smother her and screams.]'' ''[Oblivious to the commotion]'' then by the power invest- :'''Vanessa''': Get away from me you slimy little- ''[A sea lion tosses her in the air on his nose. Ariel arrives and climbs up the ship. The sea lions toss Vanessa into the wedding cake. She pops out, furious, and three dolphins squirt water in her face. Scuttle squawks in her face.]'' Oh, why you little- ''[Vanessa wrings Scuttle's neck. Max breaks free from his leash. Max bites Vanessa in the rear and Scuttle pulls at Vanessa's necklace, which goes flying through the air. The shell of Ursula's necklace was broken into pieces, and Ariel's voice was heard singing and inserted back into Ariel.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Eric. :''[Max barks happily at her.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': You - you can talk. You're the one. :''[Eric runs to her and grasps her hands.]'' :'''Vanessa''': ''[now in Ursula's own voice]'' Eric, get away from her! :''[Ursula covers her mouth.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': It - it was you all the time. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric, I - I wanted to tell you. :'''Vanessa''': Eric, no! :''[The sun sets as they are about to kiss, and her legs turn back into a tail.]'' :'''Vanessa''': ''[as Ariel turns back into a mermaid]'' You are too late! ''[cackles wickedly]'' '''''<big><big><big><big>YOU ARE TOO LATE!!!!</big></big></big></big>''''' :''[Vanessa rips out of her dress and turns back into Ursula. The crowd gasps in shock.]'' :'''Ursula''': So long, Lover Boy. :''[She slithers across the deck, grabs Ariel, and dives over the edge of the ship.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ursula''': Poor little princess - it's not you I'm after. I've a much bigger fish to - :'''King Triton''': Ursula, stop! :''[Triton points his glowing trident at Ursula.]'' :'''Ursula''': Why, King Triton! Ha ha ha - How are you? :'''King Triton''': Let her go. :'''Ursula''': Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now. We made a deal. ''[as she shows Triton the glowing scroll as Flotsam and Jetsam restrain Ariel]'' :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I'm sorry! I - I - I didn't mean to. I didn't know - :''[Triton zaps a beam at Ursula and the contract, which remain unharmed.]'' :'''Ursula''': You '''''see?''''' The contract's legal, binding and completely unbreakable - even for you. Of course, I always was a girl with an eye for a bargain. The daughter of the great sea king is a very precious commodity. ''[The contract is released by Ursula and its golden light swirls around Ariel]'' But - I might be willing to make an exchange for someone even better... ''[as she touches her tentacle to Triton's crown]'' :''[Cut to: Eric's boat]'' :''[Eric rows a small boat out to sea.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! What are you doing? :'''Prince Eric''': Grim, I lost her once. I'm not gonna lose her again. :''[Cut to: Under the water]'' :''[Ariel becomes increasingly small and shriveled to resemble the souls in Ursula's garden. She holds out the contract.]'' :'''Ursula''': Now! Do we have a deal? ''[Triton looks away and signs over Ariel's signature using his trident.]'' Ha! It's done then! ''[The magical golden current holding Ariel releases her and takes over Triton, turning him into one of Ursula's souls.]'' :'''Ariel''': No... Oh, no! :''[Ursula cackles.]'' :''[Cut to: above water]'' :''[Eric stands in his rowboat, harpoon in hand.]'' :''[Cut to: under water]'' :''[Only Triton's crown and trident remain.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Oh, Your Majesty... :'''Ariel''': Daddy? :'''Ursula''': At last. ''[as she picks up the crown and puts it on.]'' :'''Ariel''': No. :'''Ursula''': It's mine. ''[as she holds the trident and cackles to herself. Ariel angrily springs at her.]'' :'''Ariel''': You... ''[angrily swimming and attacks Ursula]'' '''''<big>YOU MONSTER!!!</big>''''' :''[Ursula :'''Ursula''': ''[throws Ariel down and points the trident at her]'' Don't fool with me ya little brat! Contract or no- Ahh! :''[Eric's harpoon grazes Ursula's arm. He watches under water.]'' :'''Ursula''': Why, you little troll! :'''Ariel''': Eric! Eric, look out! :'''Ursula''': ''[to Flotsam and Jetsam]'' After him! :''[Flotsam and Jetsam chase Eric as he swims back to the surface. He reaches his boat, but they pull him back under water.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Come on! :'''Flotsam''': Ow! :''[Sebastian and Flounder attack. Sebastian pinches one eel's tail while Flounder flaps his fins in the other's face.]'' :'''Ursula''': Say goodbye to your sweetheart. ''[Ursula aims the trident at Eric, but Ariel yanks her hair, causing the beam of lightning to hit Flotsam and Jetsam, who burn to crisp, smelling like burning ash.]'' Babies! My poor, little poopsies. :''[Ursula holds their remains and her eyes go wild. Seeing Ariel escaping, Ursula begins to grow, huff, and release a black cloud of ink. Flounder and Sebastian cower.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to: above water]'' :'''Ariel''': Eric, you've get to get away from here. :'''Prince Eric''': No, I won't leave you. :''[A spike on Triton's crown comes between Eric and Ariel as a gigantic Ursula rises from the water, laughing manically.'' ''Eric and Ariel jump into the water and clutch each other, looking up to see Ursula towering over them.]'' :'''Ursula''': You pitiful, insignificant, fool! :'''Prince Eric''': ''[pointing]'' Look out! :''[One of Ursula's tentacles crashes down into the water.]'' :'''Ursula''': Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim! :''[Ursula raises the trident and swirls it, creating a storm with lightning. A wave sweeps Eric away.]'' :'''Ariel''': Eric! :'''Ursula''': The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! ''[She swirls the trident in the water, creating a whirlpool. The spinning funnel reaches the ocean floor, churning up sunken ships. Ariel dodges the wreckage. One of the ships veers towards Eric and he tries to swim away, but he is shoved under water.'' ''Gliding along the bottom of the ship, he grabs onto a rope and hoists himself up the side and onto the deck.'' ''She was cackling]'' So much for true love! ''[As Ursula is about to bring her trident down on Ariel, Eric steers the ship into her. She is impaled by the sharp bow. Ursula screams in pain. Her eyes flash and her body is filled with lightning as the ship goes down on top of her. Her tentacles writhe as the ship sinks into the sea.]'' :''Cut to: under water'' :''[The trident sinks down along with debris.]'' :''[Cut to: Ursula's Lair]'' :''[The shriveled souls of the Atlanticans trapped in Ursula's lair are set free and swim out of the lair. The trident falls back to Triton, who transforms back into himself.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to: shore]'' :''[Eric lies on the beach and Ariel gazes from a distance seated on a rock. Triton and Sebastian look on.]'' :'''King Triton''': She really does love him, doesn't she, Sebastian? :''[Sebastian nods.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty. Children got to be free to lead their own lives. :'''King Triton''': You - always say that? ''[sighs]'' Then, I guess there's just one problem left. :'''Sebastian''': And what's dat, Your Majesty? :'''King Triton''': How much I'm going to miss her. :''[Sebastian looks up at Triton. The King's trident glows and he touches it to the water. It forms a glowing golden path to Ariel. She looks down, surprised as her tail glows and smiles at her father.]'' :''[Eric wakes up and sees Ariel rising from the water, wearing a shimmering purple gown. She walks towards him, arms open wide, on legs.'' ''Eric runs to her and twirls her around. Their lips meet in a kiss, which fades into their wedding day. Max jumps up between them and licks them.'' ''Guests on the ship cheer. Carlotta cries and uses Grimsby's handkerchief as a napkin. In the ocean, merpeople gather around the ship and wave. Triton and Ariel's mersisters smile and wave. Scuttle brings Flounder up to the side of the ship. Scuttle flaps away and winks. Ariel kisses him and pats Scuttle's head.'' ''On the wedding cake, Sebastian sits between two cake toppers of Ariel and Eric. He hugs them, smiling tearfully. Suddenly, he sees Louis raising a knife over him. He jumps off and the chef cuts the cake in half. He scampers down the walkway as Louis throws a knife at him and chases him around the deck. Sebastian snips a rope with his claw and a wooden beam swings into Louis' face. His teeth fall out and he collapses. Sebastian jumps into the water between Scuttle and Flounder.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yes, ''[bowing]'' Thank you, thank you. :''[On the ship, Ariel looks over the railing at her father. A fountain of water raises him up and they hug.]'' :'''Ariel''': I love you, Daddy. :''[Behind them, Eric bows to King Triton. Triton nods. Touching Ariel's cheek, Triton returns to the water. Ariel blows him a kiss. Eric steps up and Ariel slips her arm through his.]'' :'''Chorus''': Now we can walk / Now we can run /Now we can stay all day in the sun / Just you and me / And I can be / Part of your world / Ah-ah-ah-ah / Ah-ah-ah / Ah-ah-ah, ah :''[In the water, Triton sweeps his trident in the air, forming a sparkling rainbow in the sky. The merpeople wave as the ship sails off and they dive below the water. Ariel and Eric kiss.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''["Under the Sea" and the Main Titles music plays as credits roll]'' :'''Sebastian''': The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things surround you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floatin' / Under the sea :'''Sebastian and Blue Crab''': Down here all the fish is happy / As off through the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy :'''Sebastian''': They sad 'cause they in their bowl ''(a fish is seen in a bubble)'' / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry :'''Deep Voice Fish''': Guess who's gon' be on the plate? :'''Sebastian''': Oh, no, under the sea / Under the sea / Nobody beat us / Fry us and eat us / In fricassee / We what the land folks loves to cook / Under the sea we off the hook / We got no troubles / Life is the bubbles / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Since life is sweet here / We got the beat here / Naturally ''(naturally)'' / Even the sturgeon and the ray / They get the urge 'n' start to play / We got the spirit / You got to hear it / Under the sea / The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul / ''(Yeah)'' / The ray he can play / The lings on the strings / The trout rockin' out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh that blowfish blow / Yeah, under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / When the sardine / Begin the beguine / It's music to me ''(it's music to me)'' / What do they got? A lot of sand / We got a hot crustacean band / Each little clam here / Know how to jam here / Under the sea / Each little slug here / Cuttin' a rug here / Under the sea / Each little snail here / Know how to wail here / That's why it's hotter / Under the water / Ya we in luck here / Down in the muck here / Under the sea! == Songs == === ''Fathoms Below'' === :'''Ship Chorus''': I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue, : And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho! : Look out lad a mermaid be waitin' for you in mysterious Fathoms Below! :'''Prince Eric''': Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face. Ah, perfect day to be at sea. :'''Grimsby''': Oh yes... delightful... :'''Sailor 1''': A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a friendly-type mood. :'''Prince Eric''': King Triton? :'''Sailor 2''': Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. :'''Ship Chorus''': I'll sing you a song of the king of the sea, : And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho! : The ruler of all of the oceans is he, in mysterious fathoms below! :'''Grimsby''': Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense. :'''Sailor 2''': But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' ya, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. :'''Ship Chorus''': Fathoms below, below : From whence wayward westerlies blow : Where Triton is king and his merpeople sing : In mysterious fathoms below === ''Daughters of Triton'' === :'''King Triton's Daughters''': Oh, we are the daughters of Triton : Great father who loves us and named us well : Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina and Ariel : In concert we hope to enlighten : The heart of the merfolk : With music's swell : Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina : And then there is the youngest in her musical debut : Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you : To sing a song Sebastian wrote : Her voice is like a bell : She's our sister, Ari-- :'''King Triton''': ARIEL!!! === ''Part of Your World'' === :'''Ariel''': Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? : Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? : Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, : The girl who has everything? : Look at this trove, treasures untold, : How many wonders can one cavern hold? : Lookin' around here you'd think, : 'Sure, she's got everything. : I've got gizmos and gadgets aplenty, : I've got whozits and whatzits galore : You want thingamabobs? : I've got plenty : But who cares? : No big deal : I want more === ''Part of Your World'' Reprise === :'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are? : What would I pay, to stay here beside you? : What would I do to see you smiling at me? : Where would we walk? : Where would we run? : If we could stay all day in the sun : Just you and me : And I could be : Part of your world : I don't know when : I don't know how : But I know something's starting right now : Watch and you'll see : Someday I'll be : Part of your world === ''Under the Sea'' === : '''Sebastian''': Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there! : ''[sings]'' The seaweed is always greener : In somebody else's lake, : You dream about going up there, : But that is a big mistake. : Just look at the world around you, : Right here on the ocean floor. : Such wonderful things around you. : What more is you lookin' for? : Under the Sea, under the sea. : Darlin', it's better, down where it's wetter. : Take it from me. : Up on the shore, they work all day. : Out in the sun they slave away, : While we devoting full time to floating : Under the sea. : Down here all the fish is happy, : As off through the waves they roll : The fish on the land ain't happy, : They sad 'cause they in their bowl : The fish in the bowl is lucky, : They in for a worser fate : One day when the boss gets hungry, : Guess who's gonna be on the plate? === ''Poor Unfortunate Souls'' === : '''Ursula''': The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself. : '''Ariel''': Can you do that? : '''Ursula''': My dear sweet child, that's what I do. It's what I live for, to help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. : ''[sings]'' I admit that in the past I've been a nasty. : They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch. : But you'll find that nowadays, : I've mended all my ways, : Repented, seen the light and made a switch. : True? Yes! : And I fortunately know a little magic, : It's a talent that I always have possessed. : And here lately, please don't laugh, : I use it on behalf : Of the miserable, lonely, and depressed-- : Pathetic! : Poor unfortunate souls, : In pain, in need. : This one longing to be thinner, : That one wants to get the girl, : And do I help them? Yes, indeed! === ''Les Poissons'' === : '''Louis''': Les poissons, les poissons : How I love les poissons : Love to chop up and to serve little fish : First I cut off their heads : Then I pull out their bones : Ah, mais oui, ça c'est : Toujours délice. === ''Kiss the Girl'' === : '''Sebastian''': Percussion, strings, winds, words... : There you see her : Sitting there across the way : She don't got a lot to say : But there's something about her : And you don't know why : But you're dying to try : You wanna kiss the girl === ''Vanessa's Song'' === : '''Ariel's voice''': : What a lovely little bride I'll make, my dear, I'll look divine. : Things are working out according to my ultimate design. : Soon I'll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine!! == Cast (voices) == * [[Jodi Benson]] — Sea Princess Ariel * [[w:Christopher Daniel Barnes|Christopher Daniel Barnes]] — Prince Captain Eric * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — Sea King Triton * [[Pat Carroll (actress)|Pat Carroll]] — Sea Professor Ursula the Sea Witch/Princess Vanessa * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Maestro Horatio Thelonius Ignacius Crustaceus Sebastian Crab * [[w:Patricia Parris|Patricia Parris]] — Cleo * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle Seagull * Jason Marin — Vice Maestro Flounder * [[w:Ben Wright (English actor)|Ben Wright]] — Sir Grimsby * [[René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Madame Carlotta * [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] — Sea Princess Alana, Sea Princess Adella, Sea Princess Arista, Sea Princess Andrina * [[w:Caroline Vasicek|Caroline Vasicek]] — Sea Princess Attina, Sea Princess Aquata * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] — Flotsam and Jetsam Eel ==Taglines== * Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy. * Love has no boundaries. == About ''The Little Mermaid (1989 film)'' == * When we first proposed it, we knew that it was going to be really, really challenging. I mean, for a lot of reasons. But one of the big reasons is two-thirds of the movie takes place underwater. All that requires a lot of animation in this animated films. We have character animation. The artist who animate the characters. They’re kind of like actors. We always felt they are actors with a pencil. [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]] and [[w:Mark Henn|Mark Henn]] who did Ariel. That’s what they do. Then, we have effects animators. Effects animators do the non-character stuff that moves which is like water waves or bubbles. Or fire or smoke or light effects, if there’s anything that moves that isn’t the character. This probably had more character animation than any Disney movie project since “[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]].” This really had a lot of effects, even with the character stuff — like whenever Ariel is underwater, her hair has to move all the time. Hair moving underwater is tricky. We had a lot of meetings about hair. One of the extras in the video is some of the live action footage that we shot for reference to see the hair floating. :* [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html] * You see at the heart of it, “The Little Mermaid” is the father-daughter story. It’s an overprotective father. There’s a daughter who is kind of adventurous and rebellious and wanting to see a new world. How do they resolve that? That story is still in place today. :* [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html] == See also == * ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' * ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|The Little Mermaid (1989 film)}} * {{imdb title | id=0097757 | title=The Little Mermaid}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid, The}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:1989 animated films]] [[Category:1989 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about weddings]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Animated films set on oceans]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:Films about hypnosis]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:3D films]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:American fantasy comedy films]] [[Category:American romantic fantasy films]] l5zocbl2hugpylpp3awfil69e2gxqks 3944636 3944635 2026-05-23T22:51:58Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944636 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|Ariel the Little Mermaid]]''''', also known as simply '''''The Little Mermaid''''' or '''''Ariel''''', is a [[w:1989 in film|1989]] American animated film produced by [[w: Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It tells a fairytale story about a mermaid who makes a [[w:Deal with the Devil|Faustian bargain]] with a villainous sea witch in an attempt to become human and win a prince's love. The [[w:The Little Mermaid (TV series)|same title of the spin-off series]] was aired on [[w:CBS|CBS]] from September 11, 1992 to November 26, 1994, and the direct to video films were released in 2000 with ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' and 2008 with ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]''. The [[The Little Mermaid (2023 film)|live-action remake]] of the same title was released on May 26, 2023. : ''Written and directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], based on the [[w:The Little Mermaid|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Hans Christian Andersen|Hans Christian Andersen]], and based on Atlantis mythology. Songs by [[w:Howard Ashman|Howard Ashman]] and [[w:Alan Menken|Alan Menken]].'' {{center|''' Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy. '''<small>[[#Tagline|Tagline]]</small>}} == Ariel == * Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? * If only I could make him understand. I just don't see things the way he does. I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad. * I've never seen a human this close before. Oh- He's very handsome, isn't he? * ''[furious]'' You... '''''<big>YOU MONSTER!!!</big>''''' * Eric, you've got to get away from here! * ''[softly]'' Just go away. == Prince Eric == * A girl rescued me. She was singing. She had the most beautiful voice. * I'm telling you, Grim, she was real. I'm gonna find that girl... and I'm gonna marry her. * Grim, I lost her once! I'm not gonna lose her again! * No, I won't leave you! == Sebastian == * Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. * ''[as Ariel sleeps]'' You are hopeless, child. You know that? Completely hopeless. * I tried to stop her, sire! She wouldn't listen! I told her to stay away from humans! They are bad! They are trouble! They—! * There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dyin' to try / You wanna kiss the girl. * Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty: Children got to be free to lead their own lives. == Flounder == * You know I can't swim that fast. * ''[screams in terror]'' '''''ARIEL!''''' == Scuttle == * Ariel, I was flying. I was- Of course I was flying. And I saw the watch- the ''witch'' was watchin' the mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set of pipes! ''[picks up Sebastian and slams him down on every word]'' '''''<big>DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M TELLIN' YOU?! THE PRINCE IS MARRYING THE SEA WITCH IN DISGUISE!</big>''''' == King Triton == * I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules, and I expect those rules to be obeyed! * ''[angrily; losing patience]'' So help me, Ariel, I am going to get through to you! And if this is the only way, so '''be''' it. == Ursula == * ''[watching Ariel quickly swim home from her lair; first lines]'' Yes, hurry home, Princess. We wouldn't want to miss old Daddy's celebration, now, would we? Ha! Celebration, indeed. Oh, bah! In my day, we had fantastical feasts when ''I'' lived in the palace. Now look at me, wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving, while he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. * Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it. It's too easy. The child is in love with a human. And not just any human. A prince! ''[Chuckles]'' Her daddy will love that. King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl would make a charming addition to my little garden. ''[Cackles]'' * Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn’t lurk in our doorways. It’s rude. * Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Ah, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure! Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles! Triton's daughter will be ''mine,'' and then I'll make him writhe. I'll see wriggle like a worm on a hook! * Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now! * You pitiful, insignificant fools! Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim. The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! * ''[last words before her demise]'' So much for true love! === Vanessa === * Eric! Get away from her! == Grimsby == * Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring and right before your eyes. == Chef Louis == * Come out, you little pipsqueak, and '''''FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!''''' ''['''Carlotta''': '''''LOUIS! What are you doing?!''''']'' Well, I was just... I'm sorry, madame. == Carlotta == * Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. == Princess Andrina == * Isn't it obvious, Father? Ariel's in love. ''['''King Triton''': Ariel? In love?]'' == Dialogue == :''[First lines; three seagulls fly through gray clouds then swoop down over the ocean. Below, a pod of smiling dolphins leap through the waves in arcing jumps and are swimming happily. The dolphins stop and a seagull flies beside them on the surface. Behind them, a sailing ship looms through the mist, crashing through the waves. The ship's huge wooden prowl heads straight towards the viewers and cruises past. On board, burly sailors haul in a net full of fish from the water.]'' :'''Sailors''': ''[Singing]'' I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho Look out, lad, a mermaid be waitin' for you In mysterious fathoms below. :''[A dark-haired young man named Prince Eric stands on deck.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face... ''[Eric's dog Max barks as the wind blows in their faces.]'' a perfect day to be at sea! :'''Grimsby''': ''[his face is green from obvious seasickness and he is leaning over the side of the ship to throw up]'' Oh yes... delightful... :'''Sailor 1''': A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a friendly-type mood. :'''Prince Eric''': King Triton? :'''Sailor 2''': Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. :'''Grimsby''': Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense. :'''Sailor 2''': ''[wildly waving a fish in Grimsby's face]'' But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' ya, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. :'''Sailors''': ''[singing]'' Heave. ho. Heave, ho. In mysterious fathoms below. :''[The fish in his hand wiggles away and lands back in the ocean, relieved. He stops for a breath then speeds down, leaving a trail of silvery bubbles behind him.]'' :''[Titles roll in shimmering letters "The Little Mermaid" as various fish swim and seaweed sways gently. The camera follows the escaped fish as it makes its way through the ocean pass some sea anemones, a school of tropical fish, and a group of jellyfishes. Neat the ocean floor a pod of whales swims as the fish swims near by a '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :''[In a landscape of coral and seaweed, merpeople swim. They speed over the ocean floor, gently slipping their flipper tails. Swimming through a tunnel, they reach a great palace with at the Kingdom of Atlantica. The merpeople and other sea creatures swim inside and take their seats filling the concert hall inside.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fish with trumpet-like noses play a fanfare. A tiny seahorse with a ruffled collar appears. He coughs before he speaks.]'' :'''Herald''': His Royal Highness, King Triton! :''[Triton enters dramatically, being pulled on a seashell chariot by a trio of dolphins to wild cheering. Sparks shoot from his trident and light a chandelier.]'' :'''Herald''': And presenting the distinguished court composer, Horatio Thelonious Ignatius Crustaceous Sebastian! :''[A fanfare of kazoos play. Sebastian, a tiny red crab, enters riding a small seashell chariot being pulled by two orange fish. He is met with mild applause. He pulls up beside King Triton.]'' :'''King Triton''': I'm really looking forward to this performance, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': Oh, Your Majesty, this will be the finest concert I have ever conducted. ''[Triton lets go bridles on the dolphins as the chariot on lands on the balcony]'' Your daughters - they will be spectacular! ''[The fish flip Sebastian upside down.]'' :'''King Triton''': Yes, and especially my little Ariel. :'''Sebastian''': Yes, yes, she has the most beautiful voice. Hmm? ... ''[under his breath]'' If only she'd show up for rehearsals once in a while... :''[A spotlight appears over Sebastian, and he rides his chariot out over the stage and takes his place at the podium. He takes out a book of music. He taps his baton and directs the orchestra of fish.]'' :''[The sisters swim out of giant clam shells as they sing.]'' :'''Ariel's sisters''': ''[singing]'' Oh, we are the daughters of Triton / Great Father who loves us and named us well: Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Attina, Adella, Alana And then there is the youngest in her musical debut / Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you / To sing a song Sebastian wrote, her voice is like a bell / She's our sister Ari– ''[ A shell rises as the sisters surround it. But when it opens, it is empty! all gasp]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily shouting, roaring]'' '''''<big>ARIEL!!!</big>''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to a sunken shipwreck.]'' :''[Triton's daughter Ariel appears on the mass of a sunken ship looking at something until she hears a voice.]'' :'''Flounder''': ''[from a distance]'' Ariel, wait for me... :'''Ariel''': ''[waving him over]'' Flounder, hurry up! :'''Flounder''': ''[catching up is a small yellow and blue fish named Flounder]'' You know I can't swim that fast. :'''Ariel''': ''[pointing to a sunken ship]'' There it is. Isn't it fantastic? :'''Flounder''': Yeah... sure... it - it's great. Now let's get outta here. :''[Flounder begins to swim away, and Ariel yanks his fins towards her.]'' :'''Ariel''': You're not getting cold fins now, are you? :''[Ariel swims towards the ship. Flounder follows after her.]'' :'''Flounder''': Who, me? No way. It's just, it, err... it looks - damp in there. Yeah. And I think I may be coming down with something. Yeah, I got this cough. :''[Flounder coughs unconvincingly.]'' :'''Ariel''': All right. I'm going inside. You can just stay here and - watch for sharks. :''[Ariel swims inside through a porthole.]'' :'''Flounder''': O.K. Yeah - you go. I'll stay and - ''[suddenly realizing what's she's said]'' what? Sharks! Ariel? :''[He tries to squeeze through the porthole but gets stuck.]'' :'''Flounder''': Ariel... I can't... I mean- Ariel help! :'''Ariel''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Flounder. :'''Flounder''': ''[whispering]'' Ariel, do you really think there might be sharks around here? :''[Ariel comes back to help him.]'' :'''Ariel''': Flounder, don't be such a guppy. :''[A huge Great White shark passes behind them as Flounder squeezes in.]'' :'''Flounder''': I'm not a guppy. ''[Flounder finally squeezes through and explores the ship with Ariel]'' This is great - I mean, I really love this. Excitement, adventure, danger lurking around every corner... :''[Flounder sees a skull and screams. He crashes into a pillar, causing wooden beams to fall down.]'' :'''Flounder''': '''''ARIEL!''''' :''[He swims frantically away, knocking over Ariel.]'' :'''Ariel''': Oh, are you okay? :''[Flounder shakes intensely.]'' :'''Flounder''': Yeah sure, no problem, I'm okay... :'''Ariel''': Shhh... :''[Ariel swims to an upper level of the ship. Resting atop a heap is a silver fork.]'' :'''Ariel''': Oh, my gosh! Oh my gosh! ''[picking up a fork]'' Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? :'''Flounder''': Wow, cool! But, err, what is it? :'''Ariel''': I don't know. But I bet Scuttle will. :''[Ariel puts the fork in her bag. The shark swims by outside.]'' :'''Flounder''': What was that? Did you hear something? :'''Ariel''': ''[distracted by a pipe]'' Hmm, I wonder what this one is? :'''Flounder''': Ariel... :'''Ariel''': Flounder, will you relax. Nothing is going to happen. :''[The shark appears in front of the porthole, behind Flounder, jaws wide open. He chomps down on the glass.]'' :'''Flounder''': '''''SHARK! SHARK! WE'RE GONNA DIE!''''' :''[The shark bangs his head on the ceiling of the ship. He chases Ariel and Flounder, and they swim for an upper deck. Flounder screams as the shark breaks through the floor, chomping towards them. Ariel's bag gets caught on a plank and she goes back for it.]'' :''[Flounder swims towards a porthole and gets stuck again.]'' :'''Flounder''': Oh, no! :''[Ariel pushes him through and wriggles out behind him. Flounder screams as the shark bursts through the wall and chases them around the ships' mast.]'' :''Flounder bumps into a crossbeam. The shark lunges towards Flounder but misses as Flounder sinks towards the bottom with a dazed look. Ariel spots him and swims down to get him, dropping her bag.]'' :''[The shark races towards them, but his head gets stuck in the ring of an anchor. Ariel picks up her bag, which has landed near her]'' :'''Flounder''': You big bully. :''[Flounder blows a raspberry. The shark snaps at him and Flounder swims with Ariel towards the surface.]'' :'''Ariel''': ''[laughing]'' Flounder, you really are a guppy. :'''Flounder''': I am not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to the surface.]'' :''[On a tiny island, a seagull named Scuttle hums a song and looks through his telescope.]'' :'''Scuttle''': ''[singing]'' 1492, dah-de-dum dee-do-do, rum-dim-dim, dee-do-dee-do :''[Scuttle sticks his telescope on his head]'' :'''Ariel''': Scuttle! :'''Scuttle''': ''[looking through the telescope the wrong way, making Ariel appear farther away, shouting]'' Whoa! Mermaid off the port bow! Ariel, how you doin' kid? :''[Scuttle lowers the telescope to reveal Ariel at wing's length]'' :'''Scuttle''': Whoa, what a swim! :'''Ariel''': Scuttle - look what we found. :''[Ariel pulls up her bag and hands it to Scuttle.]'' :'''Flounder''': Yeah - we were in this sunken ship - it was really creepy. :'''Scuttle''': Human stuff, huh? Hey, lemme see. :''[Scuttle drops an anchor. It catches on his foot and knocks him off his perch. Rummaging through Ariel's bag after stepping over Flounder, he takes out the fork.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Oh! Oh! Look at this. Wow - this is special - this is very, very unusual. :'''Ariel''': What? What is it? :'''Scuttle''': It's a dinglehopper! Humans use these little babies... '[[Scuttle flicks the fork, but catches it]'' to straighten their hair out. :''[Scuttle twirls the fork around his feathers on top of his head.]'' :'''Scuttle''': See - just a little twirl here an' a yank there and - violee! :''[Scuttles feathers go up in a poof.]'' :'''Scuttle''': You got an aesthetically pleasing configuration of hair that humans go nuts over. :''[Scuttle hands the fork back to Ariel.]'' :'''Ariel''': A dinglehopper! :'''Flounder''': ''[in reference to the pipe]'' What about that one? :''[Scuttle shows Ariel and Flounder a tobacco pipe]'' :'''Scuttle''': This, I haven't seen this in years. This is wonderful! A banded, bulbous snarfblatt. :'''Ariel and Flounder''': Oh! :'''Scuttle''': Now, the snarfblatt dates back to pre-hysterical times when humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day. [comes face to face with Ariel] Got very boring. So they invented this snarfblatt to make fine music. Please allow me. ''[blows into it, only to have seaweed and water come out]'' Oops. :'''Ariel''': ''[realizing what Scuttle said]'' Music! :'''Scuttle''': ''[coughs]'' It's stuffed! :'''Ariel''': Oh, the concert! Oh, my gosh, my Father's gonna kill me! :'''Flounder''': The concert was ''today?'' :'''Scuttle''': ''[inspects the "snarfblatt" further]'' Maybe you could make a little planter out of it or somethin'. :'''Ariel''': ''[takes it back]'' Uh, I'm sorry! I've gotta go! Thank you, Scuttle! :''[she and Flounder swim back home]'' :'''Scuttle''': Anytime, sweetie! Anytime. :'''Ursula''': ''[watching Ariel from her lair via Flotsam and Jetsam]'' Yes. Hurry home, Princess. We wouldn't want to miss old Daddy's celebration, huh? Would we? ''[scoffs]'' Celebration, indeed. Oh, bah! In my day, we had fantastical feasts, when ''I'' lived in the palace. ''[closeup of her eating a shrimp]'' Now, look at me. Wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving! While he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. ''[to her eels]'' Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. ''[fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Triton is admonishing Ariel in the throne room]'' :'''King Triton''': I just don't know what we're going to do with you, Little Lady. :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I'm sorry, I just forgot, I... :'''King Triton''': As a result of your careless behavior... :'''Sebastian''': Careless and reckless behavior. :'''King Triton''': The entire celebration was, er... :'''Sebastian''': Well, it was ruined! That is all, completely destroyed! This concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career. Now thanks to you, I am the laughingstock of the entire kingdom! :'''Flounder''': ''[angrily; swimming up to King Triton]'' But it wasn't her fault! I mean. Well, first, this shark chased us. Yeah, yeah! And we tried to… But we couldn't. And then, "grr!" And… and we, whoa! Ah, and then we were safe. But then this seagull came, and it was "this is this, and that is that, and…" :'''King Triton''': "Seagull"? What? Oh. You went up to the surface again, didn't you? ''Didn't you?!'' :'''Ariel''': Nothing... happened. :'''King Triton''': ''[exasperatedly]'' Ariel, how many times must we go through this? You could've been seen by one of those barbarians, by... by one of those... ''Humans!'' :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' Daddy, they're not barbarians! :'''King Triton''': They are ''dangerous.'' Do you think I want to see my youngest daughter snared by some fish-eater's hook? :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' I'm 16 years old! I'm not a child anymore! :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily; frustrated]'' Don't you take that tone of voice with me, Young Lady. As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey '''''MY''''' rules. :'''Ariel''': But if you would just listen— :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily]'' '''''NOT ANOTHER WORD!''''' '''And I am never, ''NEVER'' to hear of you going to the surface again.''' '''''IS THAT CLEAR?!''''' :''[Ariel disappointedly swims away]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hmph. Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. :'''King Triton''': Do you think I-I was too hard on her? :'''Sebastian''': Definitely not. Why, if Ariel was my daughter, I'd show her who was boss. So none of this flitting to the surface and other such nonsense. No, sir - I'd keep her under tight control. :'''King Triton''': ''[smiles]'' You're absolutely right, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': Of course. :'''King Triton''': Ariel needs constant supervision. :'''Sebastian''': ''Constant.'' :'''King Triton''': Someone to watch over her, to keep her out of trouble. :'''Sebastian''': All the time. :'''King Triton''': ''[pokes Sebastian]'' And ''you'' are just the crab to do it. :'''Sebastian''': But, I... :''[Cut to Sebastian walking down corridor.]'' :'''Sebastian''': How do I get myself into these situations? I'm supposed to be writing symphonies, not tagging along after some headstrong teenager. ''[Sees Ariel and Flounder sneaking off and follows.]'' Hmm? What is that girl up to? ''[He barely makes it into the grotto and sees Ariel's collection.]'' Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Ariel, are you okay? :'''Ariel''': If only I could make him understand ''[Sebastian covers his mouth in disbelief.]'' I just don't see things the way he does. I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things - could be bad. ''[Ariel swims around referencing various items in her collection. Sebastian frowns and stays out of sight. Ariel dances with Flounder and sings about her dream of being part of the human world. As Ariel's hair floats around her, she gazes up at a hole at the top of her grotto.]'' ''[Singing]'' Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? / Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? / Wouldn't you think I'm the girl? / The girl who has everything? / Look at this trove / Treasures untold / How many wonders can one cavern hold?/ Lookin’ around here you'd think / Sure, she's got everything. / I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty / I've got whozits and whatzits galore. ''[Sebastian looks through a pair of glasses; Ariel opens a box of wine cork removers]'' You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! / But who cares? / No big deal. / I want more / I wanna be where the people are. / I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancin’ / ''[plays with dancing music box]'' Walkin’ around on those, what do you call ‘em? / Oh, feet / Flippin’ your fins, you don't get too far. / Legs are required for jumpin’, dancin’ / Strollin’ along down a, what's that word again? Street / Up where they walk, up where they run / Up where they stay all day in the sun. / Wanderin’ free, wish I could be part of that world. / What would I give if I could live out of these waters? / What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand? / Betcha on land they understand / Bet they don't reprimand their daughters. / Bright young women, sick of swimmin’. / Ready to stand? / ''[reads a book]'' And ready to know what the people know / Ask them my questions and get some answers. / ''[looking for the portrait]'' What's a fire and why does it, what's the word? / Burn? / When's it my turn? / Wouldn't I love / love to explore that shore up above? ''[Swims to the top of the grotto and sticks her hand out; she then sadly sinks back down to the floor]'' / Out of the sea / Wish I could be, part of that world… :''[Sebastian has been struggling around and now comes crashing down making a lot of noise.]'' :'''Ariel''': Sebastian!? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? What, are you… How could you… what is all this? :'''Ariel''': It, err, it's just my... collection. :'''Sebastian''': Oh. I see. Your collection. Hmm. '''''IF YOUR FATHER KNEW ABOUT THIS PLACE, HE'D—''''' :'''Flounder''': You're not gonna tell him, are you? :'''Ariel''': Oh, please, Sebastian, he would never understand. :'''Sebastian''': Ariel. You are under a lot of pressure down here. Come with me, I'll take you home and get you something warm to drink. ''[A ship passes by overhead]'' :'''Ariel''': Now, what do you suppose…? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Ariel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel swims out of the grotto and up towards a ship. Above the surface, fireworks explode in the sky around ship. Ariel gasps and looks on, amazed. Sebastian and Flounder surface beside her.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, what - what are you- ''[gasping]'' Jumpin' jellyfish! ''[Ariel leaps to the ship.]'' Ariel, Ariel! Please come back! :''[Ariel climbs up the ship and watches a party on board eye-level at the deck. Three sailors play music as the others dance a jig. Max, a shaggy sheepdog barks and scampers around the dancers.]'' :Prince Eric: ''[whistles]'' Max, here, boy. ''[Max runs to Eric. Ariel touches her cheek where Max licked her.]'' Hey, come on, mutt, whatcha doin', huh Max? Good boy, good boy. :''[Max jumps on Eric and barks. Ariel sees him and is lovestruck. Scuttle flaps down towards her, speaking loudly.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Hey, there, sweetie! Quite a show, eh? :'''Ariel''': Scuttle, be quiet! They'll hear you. :'''Scuttle''': Oooh, I gotcha, I gotcha. We're bein' intrepidatious. '''''WE'RE OUT TO DISCOVER!''''' :'''Ariel''': ''[grabs his beak and looking around and sees Prince Eric]'' I've never seen a human this close before. Oh- He's very handsome, isn't he? :'''Scuttle''': ''[looking at Max]'' I dunno; he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me. :'''Ariel''': ''[laughs]'' Not that one! The one playing the snarfblatt! :'''Grimsby''': ''[holding his arms out]'' Silence! Silence! It is now my honor and privilege to present our esteemed Prince Eric with a very special, very expensive, very ''large'' birthday present. :''[Grimsby gestures towards a large object covered in cloth and tied with a red ribbon.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': ''[knocking Grimsby on the back]'' Ah, Grimsby - ya old beanpole, you shouldn't have. :''[Sailors cheer and whistle.]'' :'''Grimsby''': I know. Happy birthday, Eric! :''[A large, gaudy statue of Eric, holding a sword and stepping atop a giant royal crest is revealed. Max growls.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Gee, Grim. It's, uh, it's, uh - it's really somethin'. :'''Grimsby''': Yes, I commissioned it myself. Of course, I had hoped it would be a wedding present, but... :'''Prince Eric''': ''[grabbing the telescope from Grimsby]'' Aw, come on, Grim, don't start. Look, you're not still sore because I didn't fall for the princess of Glowerhaven, are you? :''[Eric looks out of the telescope for a second before tossing it back to Grimsby, who catches it clumsily.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, it isn't me alone. The entire kingdom wants to see you happily settled down with the right girl. :''[Eric sits on the railing of the ship looking out towards the sea.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Well, she's out there somewhere. I just - I just haven't found her yet. :'''Grimsby''': Well, perhaps you haven't been looking hard enough. :'''Prince Eric''': Believe me, Grim, when I find her, I'll know - without a doubt. It'll just - bam! - hit me - like lightning. :''[Grimsby and Eric look up to the sky as thick clouds of lightning and thunder appear and the sky grows dark turned green for a hurricane like '''[[w:Gulliver's Tales (1939 film)|Gulliver's Tales]]'''.]'' :'''Sailor''': '''''HURRICANE A'COMIN'! STAND FAST! SECURE THE RIGGIN'!''''' :''[Thunder rumbling, Eric and the sailors run to different parts of the deck as rain starts to fall and giant waves swell up, rocking the ship. The crew pulls hard on ropes tied to a sail.'' :''[In the ocean, a wave crashes over Flounder and Sebastian. On board, Scuttle holds onto a rope.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Whoa! The wind's all of a sudden on the move here! :''[A gust of wind blows Scuttle away.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Yo! '''''Ariel!''''' :''[On board, the captain tries to hold onto the ship's wheel, but it spins out of his hands. The ship crashes through storm and a wave passes over the deck. Eric runs to the wheel and grabs it.]'' :''[On the side of the ship, Ariel loses her grip on the ropes and falls into the water. Swimming underneath, she swims up the stern and sees a flash of lightning hit a sail. A fire breaks out smells like barbecue, and the ship looms towards jutting rocks. Ariel gasps.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': ''[pointing ahead]'' '''''Look out!''''' :''[The ship rams into the rocks and all are thrown overboard, except Max. Eric's statue sinks down below the waves beside Grimsby coughing, who flaps his arms about.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Grim, hang on! ''[Eric pulls him into a lifeboat, then sees Max still on the ship. The dog barks as flames flash in front of him.]'' Max! ''[Eric dives back into the water and climbs up the side of the burning ship smelling like barbecue. As he leaps onto the deck, one of the masts breaks and crashes down. Eric leaps out of the way. Flames spread.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! :''[Eric looks over deck. The flames reach a barrel of gunpowder, and the ship explodes. The sailors and Grimsby look on from their lifeboat, staring in horror. Ariel swims to the ship to find Eric. He floats on a board, unconscious and rolls off, sinking into the water. Ariel dives down to grab him and swims to the surface.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to the beach shore.]'' :''[On the beach, Eric lies on his back, unconscious, with Ariel leaning over him. Scuttle lands beside them.]'' :'''Ariel''': Is he - dead? :''[Scuttle opens Eric's eyelid.]'' :'''Scuttle''': It's hard to say. :''[Scuttle puts his head up against Eric's foot.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Oh, I - I can't make out a heartbeat. :'''Ariel''': No, look! He's breathing. ''[moving his hair from his face]'' He's so beautiful. :''[Sebastian and Flounder have washed up. They watch as Ariel caresses Eric's cheek and sings longingly. Sebastian drops his jaw in disbelief and Scuttle closes it.]'' :'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are? / What would I pay to stay here beside you? / What would I do to see you smiling at me? / Where would we walk, where would we run / If we could stay all day in the sun? / Just you and me, and I could be / Part of your world. :''[The sun parts through the gray clouds and Eric's eyes flutter open as he touches Ariel's hand, only seeing her waist up. He watches as the golden sunlight lights up behind her. Max barks and runs to lick Eric's face. Grimsby approaches and she dives into the water.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! Oh, Eric. You really delight in these sadistic strains on my blood pressure, don't you? :''[Grimsby helps Eric up and he shakes his head.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': A girl - rescued me... She was - singing... she had the most - beautiful voice. :'''Grimsby''': Ah, Eric, I think you've swallowed a bit too much seawater. Off we go. Come on, Max. :''[Max stands in the water, barking towards Ariel and her friends.]'' :'''Sebastian''': ''[to Flounder]'' We just gotta forget this whole ting ever happened. The sea king will never know. You won't tell him, ''I'' won't tell him. I will stay in one piece. :''[Ariel hoists herself upon a rock to watch Eric leave. Behind her, Flotsam and Jetsam rise from the water.]'' :'''Ariel''': I don't know when, I don't know how / But I know something's starting right now / Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be / Part of your world :''[Cuts to Ursula's lair.]'' :''[Ursula watches Ariel through a magical bubble.]'' :'''Ursula''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it - it's too easy. The child is in love with a human. And not just any human - a prince! ''[sarcastically]'' Her daddy'll ''love that.'' King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl ''would'' make a charming addition to my little garden. :''[Attached to the floor, hundreds of sad shriveled merfolk squirm and shake. Ursula laughs evilly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Atlantica Palace.]'' :''[Cuts to Mersisters' dressing room.]'' :'''Andrina''': Ariel, dear, time to come out. You've been in there all morning. :''[Ariel emerges from behind a curtain, humming "Part of Your World" to herself.]'' :'''Attina''': What is with her lately? :''[Ariel picks a red flower and swims away. She bumps into her father.]'' :'''Ariel''': Morning, Father. :''[Ariel puts the flower in his hair and swims off, spinning in circles. He chuckles.]'' :'''Attina''': Oh, she's got it bad. :'''King Triton''': What? What has she got? :'''Andrina''': Isn't it obvious, Father? Ariel's in love. :'''King Triton''': Ariel? ''In love?'' :''[King Triton picks the flower from his hair and looks at it.]'' :''[Cuts to the undersea rocks. Sebastian paces on a rock.]'' :'''Sebastian''': O.K. So far, so good. I don't think the king knows. :''[Orange flower petals fall around Sebastian. One lands on his face, and he blows it off.]'' :'''Sebastian''': But it will not be easy keeping something like this a secret for long. :''[The camera rises up to reveal Ariel picking orange flowers.]'' :'''Ariel''': He loves me... hmm, he loves me not... He loves me! I knew it! :''[Ariel hugs the last flower petal. Sebastian joins her on the rock.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, stop talking crazy. :'''Ariel''': I gotta see him again - tonight! Scuttle knows where he lives. :''[Ariel begins to swim away. Sebastian grabs onto her fins.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Please. Will you get your head out of the clouds and back in the water where it belongs? :'''Ariel''': I'll swim up to his castle. Then Flounder will splash around to get his attention, and then with... - :''[Sebastian gets in front of her face.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Down ''here'' is your home! Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there. :''[Sebastian and various other sea creatures sing to Ariel to convince her living in the ocean is the best life.]'' :'''Sebastian''': The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things surround you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floatin' / Under the sea :'''Sebastian and Blue Crab''': Down here all the fish is happy / As off through the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy :'''Sebastian''': They sad 'cause they in their bowl ''{a fish is seen in a bubble}'' / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry :'''Deep Voice Fish''': ''[bubble around him pops]'' Guess who's gon' be on the plate? :'''Sebastian''': Oh, no, under the sea / Under the sea / Nobody beat us / Fry us and eat us / In fricassee ''[fish swim around Ariel]'' / We what the land folks loves to cook / Under the sea we off the hook / We got no troubles / Life is the bubbles / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Since life is sweet here / We got the beat here / Naturally ''(naturally)'' / Even the sturgeon and the ray / They get the urge 'n' start to play / We got the spirit / You got to hear it / Under the sea / The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul / ''(Yeah)'' / The ray he can play / The lings on the strings / The trout rockin' out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh that blowfish blow :''[Flounder swims past the bunch but is pulled back by a fish who shimmies with him. He pulls free and finds Ariel, whispering in her ear. She smiles and swims away, following him.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yeah, under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / When the sardine / Begin the beguine / It's music to me ''(it's music to me)'' / What do they got? A lot of sand / We got a hot crustacean band / Each little clam here / Know how to jam here / Under the sea / Each little slug here / Cuttin' a rug here / Under the sea / Each little snail here / Know how to wail here / That's why it's hotter / Under the water / Ya we in luck here / Down in the muck here / Under the sea! :''[Sebastian does not notice and continues his song and dance with the sea creatures. Everyone points to Ariel's empty place as the grand finale and turns away disappointed.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Oh... somebody's got to nail that girl's fins to the floor. :'''Herald''': Sebastian! Sebastian, I've been looking all over for you. I've got an urgent message from The Sea King. :'''Sebastian''': The Sea King? :'''Herald''': ''[tugging at Sebastian]'' He wants to see you right away. Uh, something about Ariel. :''[Sebastian gasps.]'' :'''Sebastian''': He knows! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the palace, King Triton is sitting on his throne, as he looking at flower]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[laughs]'' Let's see, now... Oh, who could the lucky merman be? ''[notices Sebastian]'' ''[clears throat]'' Um... Come in, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': ''[as he walks to King Triton]'' I mustn't overreact. I must remain calm. ''[Five octaves higher than normal]'' Yes. ''[Ahem...]'' Yes, Your Majesty. :'''King Triton''': Sebastian, I'm concerned about Ariel. Have you noticed she's been acting peculiar lately? :'''Sebastian''': ''[pretending to act confused]'' Oh! Uh, peculiar? :'''King Triton''': You know, mooning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. You haven't noticed, hmm? :'''Sebastian''': Oh- well, I- :'''King Triton''': Sebastian? :'''Sebastian''': ''[looks up]'' Hmm? :'''King Triton''': I know you've been keeping something from me. :'''Sebastian''': ''[nervously]'' Keeping... someting? :'''King Triton''': About Ariel? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? :'''King Triton''': ''[point his trident at his chin]'' In love? :'''Sebastian''': ''[protested]'' '''''I TRIED TO STOP HER, SIRE! SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN! I TOLD HER TO STAY AWAY FROM HUMANS! THEY ARE BAD! THEY ARE TROUBLE! THEY—!''''' :'''King Triton''': ''[as he shocked at what Sebastian said]'' Humans? ''[and also losing control of his rage with his magic trident at full power and yelling at Sebastian]'' '''''WHAT ABOUT HUMANS?!''''' :'''Sebastian''': Humans? Ho ho ho ho… Who said anything about humans? :''[King Triton angrily grabs Sebastian]'' :''[Triton grabs Sebastian and pulls him away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Ariel's Grotto. Ariel and Flounder enter the grotto.]'' :'''Ariel''': Flounder, why can't you just tell me what this is all about? :'''Flounder''': You'll see. It's a surprise. :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the statue of Eric in the middle of the cave]'' Oh, Flounder- Flounder you're the best! It looks just like him. It even has his eyes. ''[speaking to the statue]'' Why, Eric, run away with you? This is all so... so sudden... ''[Ariel laughs and twirls around. She gasps as she sees Triton glaring in the entryway.]'' Daddy? :''[Flounder hides behind a chest.]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily confronts Ariel in her grotto]'' I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules and I expect those rules to be obeyed. :'''Ariel''': But Dad, I...! :'''King Triton''': Is it true you rescued a human from drowning?! :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I had to... :'''King Triton''': Contact between the human world and the merworld is strictly forbidden! Ariel, you know that! Everyone knows that! :'''Ariel''': He would've died! :'''King Triton''': One less human to worry about. :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' You don't even know him! :'''King Triton''': ''Know him? I don't have to know him!'' They're all the same: Spineless, savage, harpooning fish-eaters, incapable of any feeling... :'''Ariel''': '''''DADDY, I LOVE HIM!''''' :''[Ariel gasps in shock, as she has accidentally slipped the truth. Sebastian cringes in horror.]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[as he shocked at what Ariel said]'' No. ''[and also losing control of his outrage with his daughter]'' Have you lost your senses completely?! He's a HUMAN, you're a MERMAID! You've for never beat together. :'''Ariel''': I don't care! :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' So help me, Ariel, I will get through to you. And if this is the only way, '''''so be it.''''' :''[With his trident at full power, Triton furiously temper tantrum points it towards one of Ariel's treasures and angrily blasts it. The blast is so intense that it scares Ariel, including Sebastian]'' :'''Ariel''': '''''DADDY? NO, NO, PLEASE!''''' ''[But King Triton, in his rage, refuses to stop. He continues furiously pointing his trident at one artifact and then another, mindlessly destroying everything in his path]'' '''''DADDY, STOP! DADDY, STOP IT!''''' ''[She swims to her angry Father and tries stopping him, but it’s no use. The only treasure left in the grotto is the statue of Prince Eric. Seeing that he is now focused on that, Ariel turns to her angry Father]'' '''''DADDY, NO!''''' ''[But King Triton angrily ignores the pleas of his frightened daughter and angrily blasts the statue. Pieces of the statue fly around the grotto as the explosion subsides. The trident calms down as she looks in horror at where the statue was. Her grotto, full of many treasures just minutes ago, is now a barren cave with much wreckage. Overcome with sadness, she collapses onto the ground and starts sobbing. King Triton sternly looks at his daughter, but knowing that his time in the grotto is about over, he doesn't say a word and turns to leave. But as he does, he can't help but feel that he went too far in scolding Ariel for some reason. He glimpses at Ariel with remorse before leaving. Sebastian and Flounder are the only ones left in the grotto and are terrified at what just happened. Feeling terrible for Ariel, Sebastian approaches the crying girl and tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, I... :'''Ariel''': ''[softly]'' Just go away. :''[Sebastian, remorseful in agreement for leading King Triton into the grotto, which resulted in the destruction of Ariel's treasures, leaves somberly with Flounder. Ariel was now on her own, sobbing over losing her treasures, all that she collected for years, and the Prince Eric statue, the newest and most fascinating treasure of them all. She was now left with nothing.]'' :''[The camera pans out to show the destroyed grotto. Flotsam and Jetsam peer out over a shelf.]'' :'''Flotsam''': Poor child. :'''Jetsam''': Poor, sweet child. :'''Flotsam''': She has a very serious problem. :'''Jetsam''': If only there were something we could do. :'''Flotsam''': But there ''is'' something. :'''Ariel''': ''[stops crying for smelling hickory grotto]'' Who... who are you? :'''Jetsam''': Don't be scared. :'''Flotsam''': We represent someone who can help you. :'''Jetsam''': Someone who could make all your dreams come true. :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Just imagine... :'''Jetsam''': You and your prince... :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Together... forever... ''[they form a heart]'' :'''Ariel''': I don't understand. :'''Jetsam''': Ursula... has great powers. :'''Ariel''': ''[gasps and places a hand to her heart.]'' The Sea Witch? ''[shaking her head]'' Why, that's... I couldn't possibly... no! Get out of here. Leave me alone! :'''Flotsam''': Suit yourself. :'''Jetsam''': It was only a suggestion. :''[Jetsam flicks the statue's broken face towards Ariel. She picks it up.]'' :'''Ariel''': ''[looking at the face]'' Wait. :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Yes? :'''Flounder''': ''[sniffling]'' Poor Ariel. :'''Sebastian''': I didn't mean to tell, it was an accident. :''[Ariel passes by with Flotsam and Jetsam. Alarmed, Sebastian swims up.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel - where are you going? Ariel, what are you doing here with this riff-raff? :'''Ariel''': ''[determinedly]'' I'm going to see Ursula. :''[Sebastian gasps and grabs onto Ariel's fins.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, no! No, she's a demon, she's a monster! :'''Ariel''': ''[looking back at Sebastian]'' Why don't you go tell my father? You're good at that. :''[Ariel shakes Sebastian off.]'' :'''Sebastian''': But... But I... ''[to Flounder]'' Come on. :''[Sebastian and Flounder follow them.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Ursula's Lair]'' :''[Ariel and the eels swim towards Ursula's lair, which is shaped like a sea monster. An eerie purple light glows from inside then purple/pink smoke poofs. As they swim towards the mouth, Ariel stops.]'' :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': This way. :''[They enter through the mouth and pass by the garden of souls. Ariel looks at them disgustedly. One grabs her arm, but Ariel pulls free. Ursula's voice is heard from her conch shell rest.]'' :'''Ursula''': Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn't lurk in doorways - it's rude. ''[Ursula comes down and sits at the vanity]'' One ''might'' question your upbringing... Now, then. You're here because you have a thing for this human. This, er, prince fellow. Not that I blame you - he is quite a catch, isn't he? Well, angel fish, the solution to your problem is simple. [''Ursula puts on bright red lipstick and puckers her lips.]'' The only way to get what you want - is to become a human yourself. :'''Ariel''': Can you do that? :'''Ursula''': My dear, sweet child. That's what I do - it's what I live for. To help unfortunate merfolk - like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. :''[Ursula opens up a glowing cauldron with pink vapor and sings about helping "poor unfortunate souls." Sebastian and Flounder enter the lair.]'' :'''Ursula''': I admit that in the past I've been a nasty / They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch / But you'll find that nowadays / I've mended all my ways / Repented, seen the light and made a switch / True? Yes! / And I fortunately know a little magic / It's a talent that I always have possessed / And here lately, please don't laugh / I use it on behalf / Of the miserable, lonely and depressed ''[spoken]'' ''[to Flotsam and Jetsam]'' Pathetic. ''[singing]'' Poor unfortunate souls / In pain / In need / This one longing to be thinner / That one wants to get the girl / And do I help them? / Yes, indeed / Those poor unfortunate souls / So sad, so true / They come flocking to my cauldron / Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!" / And I help them / Yes, I do / Now it's happened once or twice / Someone couldn't pay the price / And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals / Yes, I've had the odd complaint / But on the whole I've been a saint / To those poor unfortunate souls. ''[grabbing Ariel]'' Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? ''[motioning with her fingers]'' Three days. Now listen, this is important. Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get Dear Ol' Princey to fall in love with you. That is, he's got to '''''kiss you'''''. Not just ''any kiss'' - a special kiss - the kiss of true love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain human, permanently, but - if he doesn't, you turn back into a mermaid, and - you belong to me. :'''Sebastian''': No, Ariel! don't be stupid. :''[Before Sebastian could say anything more, Flotsam and Jetsam wrap around him and Flounder to shut them up.]'' :'''Ursula''': ''[grabbing Ariel's face]'' Have we got a deal? :'''Ariel''': If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again. :'''Ursula''': That's right... But, you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices, innit? Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know? :'''Ariel''': But I don't have anything. :''[Ursula uses a tentacle to shut up Ariel.]'' :'''Ursula''': I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is... your voice. :'''Ariel''': ''[touching her throat]'' My voice? :'''Ursula''': You've got it, Sweet Cakes. No more talking, singing, zip. :'''Ariel''': But without my voice, how can I - :'''Ursula''': You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha! ''[Ursula shakes her hips and resumes singing.]'' ''[Ursula mixes her potion and pulls out a golden contract and quill in the shape of a fish's skeleton. Flounder and Sebastian gape as Ariel signs the contract.]'' The men up there don't like a lot of blabber / They think a girl who gossips is a bore / Yes, on land it's much preferred / For ladies not to say a word / And, after all, dear, what is idle prattle for? / Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation / True gentlemen avoid it when they can / But they dote and swoon and fawn / On a lady who's withdrawn / It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man / Come on, you poor unfortunate soul / Go ahead! / Make your choice! / I'm a very busy woman / And I haven't got all day / It won't cost much / Just your voice! / You poor unfortunate soul / It's sad / But true / If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet / You've got to pay the toll / Take a gulp and take a breath / And go ahead and sign the scroll! / Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys / The boss is on a roll / This poor unfortunate soul! / Beluga! Sevruga! Come, winds of the Caspian Sea! / Amnesia, glossitis et max laryngitis, la voce to me! ''[Ursula begins casting her spell to take Ariel's voice. A giant, ghastly pair of creepy green hands appear beside Ursula, who is cast in green light.]'' Now... sing! ''[Ariel vocalizes besides the green smoke.]'' Keep singing! ''[A glowing green current whips around Ariel as her voice glows within her. The hands rip out Ariel's voice and it floats into Ursula's shell necklace, who laughs evilly.]'' :''[A poof of pink/purple smoke rises from the cauldron and a bubble forms around Ariel. A whipping gold current rushes around her and her tail splits into two legs. She hurriedly tries to swim and is rushed to the surface by Flounder and Sebastian.]'' :''[Ariel springs into the air to get a breath of air. She puts her arms around Sebastian and Flounder, and they swim her to the shore.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to the shore.]'' :''[Eric leans his back on his seaside castle and plays the flute. Max is beside him.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': That voice. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked everywhere, Max - where could she be? :''[n a cove further along the shoreline, Ariel lays on a rock. Sebastian and Flounder pant, exhausted. Ariel pushes her hair out of her face and sits up. She sees her legs and is amazed. She lifts her foot in the air and wiggles her toes.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Well, look at what the catfish dragged in! ''[Scuttle lands on her leg.]'' Look at ya! Look at ya! There's somethin' different. Don't tell me - I got it. It's your hairdo, right? ''[Ariel shakes her head.]'' You've been usin' the dinglehopper, right? No? No huh, well let me see. New... seashells? No new seashells. ''[Ariel shakes the leg Scuttle is perched on to give him a clue.]'' I gotta admit, I can't put my foot on it right now, but if I just stand here long enough, I know that I'll - :'''Sebastian''': ''[shouting]'' '''She's got ''legs,'' you idiot!''' She traded her voice to the Sea Witch and got ''legs.'' Jeez, man... :'''Scuttle''': I knew that. :'''Flounder''': Ariel's been turned into a human. She's gotta make the prince fall in love with her, and he's gotta ki- he's gotta kiss her. :''[Ariel's legs wobble as she tries to stand up.]'' :'''Sebastian''': And she's only got three days. ''[Ariel falls over, splashing her friends.]'' Just look at her. On legs. On human legs! My nerves are shot. This is a catastrophe! What would her father say! I'll tell you what her father'd say! ''[grabbing Flounder's face]'' He'd say he's gonna kill himself a crab, that's what her father'd say! ''[marching away]'' I'm gonna march meself straight home right now and tell him just like I shoulda done de minute- ''[Ariel picks up Sebastian and holds him in his hands. He wags his claw at her as she shakes her head.]'' And don't you shake your head at me, young lady! Maybe there's still time. If we could get that witch to give you back your voice, you could go home with all the normal fish, and just be... just be... just be miserable for the rest of your life. All right, all right, we'll help you find dat prince. ''[Ariel smiles and kisses Sebastian's head. She sets him down.]'' Boy. What a soft-shell I'm turning out to be. :''[Scuttle lands beside wreckage.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Now, Ariel, I'm tellin' ya, if you wanna be a human the first thing you gotta do is dress like one. Now lemme see. ''[He picks up a sail.]'' :''[Eric walks along the shore with Max. He sniffs and raises his brow. He barks and hops around excitedly. He runs down the beach.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Max? Huh... what, Max! :''[Eric follows Max. Scuttle whistles.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Ya look great, kid. Ya look - sensational. :''[Ariel wears the sail tied with ropes. She's alarmed by Max's barking. Flounder splashes back into the sea and Sebastian skitters away hopping behind a rock. Ariel climbs onto the rock and Max licks her face.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Max... Max - Quiet Max ''[Max tugs at Eric's leg.]'' What's gotten into you fella? ''[seeing Ariel]'' Oh... Oh, I see. Are you O.K., miss? I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you. He's harmless, really - ''[Eric gazes at her face and points at her.]'' You... seem very familiar... to me. Have we met? ''[Ariel nods.]'' We ''have'' met? ''[Max comes between them and barks.]'' I knew it! ''[grabbing Ariel's hands]'' You're the one - the one I've been looking for! What's your name? ''[Ariel tries to answer, but no sound comes out of her mouth. She touches her throat, disappointed.]'' What's wrong? What is it? ''[Ariel taps her throat.]'' You can't speak? ''[Ariel shakes her head.'' Oh, oh. Then you couldn't be who I thought. ''[Ariel and Max let out frustrated sighs. Ariel waves her arms in an attempt to pantomime].'' What is it? You're hurt? No, No... You need help. ''[Ariel falls into his arms. Eric holds her, helping her stand.]'' Whoa, whoa, careful - careful - easy. Gee, you must have really been through something. Don't worry, I'll help you. Come on... Come on, you'll be okay. :''[Eric leads her away. Scuttle gives a thumbs up and Flounder grins.]'' :''[In a magnificent 1820s bathroom, Ariel sits in a water tub of bubbles.]'' :'''Carlotta''': Washed up from a shipwreck. Oh, the poor thing. We'll have you feeling better in no time. ''[Carlotta splashes a bucket of water on top of her head. Sebastian peeks out from where he's been hiding in Ariel's makeshift dress. Carlotta picks it up, grimacing.]'' I'll just - I'll just get this washed for you. :''[Sebastian sits in a tub of soapy water as women surround it and wash.]'' :'''Woman 1''': Well, you must have at least heard about this girl. :'''Woman 2''': Well, Gertrude says... :''[The woman rungs the dress down a washboard and Sebastian is pulled along with it.]'' :'''Woman 2''': ...since when has Gertrude got anything right. ''[Sebastian burps with bubbles]'' I mean really, this girl shows up in rags and doesn't speak-''[Sebastian is pulled through a wringer with a shirt.]'' Not my idea of a princess. If Eric's looking for a girl, I know a couple of highly available ones right here... :''[Sebastian crawls into the pocket of shirt that is hung to dry. As the shirt slides past a window, he falls in headfirst. His eyes bug out as he sees dead fish on a chopping block, a boiling pot of sea creatures, and a platter of stuffed crabs. He faints.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grimsby sits at the head of the table as Eric gazes out the windows, which stretch from floor to ceiling, at the ocean.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, be reasonable. Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some - :'''Prince Eric''': I'm tellin' you, Grim, she was real! I'm gonna find that girl - and I'm gonna marry her. :'''Carlotta''': Ha Ha. Come on honey. Don't be shy. :''[Carlotta and Ariel come through the entrance. Ariel wears a long sleeve pink gown with pink high heels.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, isn't she a vision? :'''Prince Eric''': Uh, you look - wonderful. :'''Grimsby''': ''[taking Ariel]'' Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. ''[Grimsby and Eric settle Ariel into a chair.]'' There we go - ah - quite comfy? Uh. It's - It's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh Eric? ''[Ariel sees a fork on the table and picks it up, combing her hair. Eric holds a goblet and raises an eyebrow. Grimsby looks perplexed. She puts it down, embarrassed]'' Uh, do you like it? It is rather a fine one... :''[She blows into it, covering Grimsby's face in ashes by Ariel. Eric laughs.]'' :'''Carlotta''': Oh, my! :'''Prince Eric''': Ahem, so sorry, Grim. :'''Carlotta''': Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. :''[Ariel smiles at this. Grimsby wipes his face.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, very amusing. Carlotta, my dear, what's for dinner? :'''Carlotta''': Ooo, you're gonna love it. Chef's been fixing his specialty, stuffed crab. :''[Sebastian watches Chef Louis take out a bowl of dead fish. He sings to himself as he cooks.]'' :'''Chef Louis''': Nouvelle Cuisine / Les Champs-Elysées / Maurice Chevalier / Les poissons, les poissons / How I love les poissons / Love to chop and to serve little fish / First I cut off their heads / Zen I pull out their bones / Ah mais oui, ça c'est toujours délice / Les poissons, les poissons / Hee hee hee, haw haw haw / With the cleaver I hack zem in two / I pull out what's inside ''[pulls out the guts from the fish and throws it in a pot]'' / And I serve it up fried / 'Cause I love little fishes, don't you? / Here's something for tempting ze palate ''[Sebastian quivers and hides as Louis brutalizes the sea creatures.]'' ''[A fish's head lands in front a mortified Sebastian. He hides under a leaf of lettuce to escape]'' / Prepared in the classic technique / ''[But as Louis clangs down on the table with a cleaver, Sebastian is jolted into the air.]'' First you pound the fish flat with a mallet / Then you slash through the skin / Give the belly a slice / Then you rub some salt in / 'Cause that makes it taste nice. ''[Louis raises the leaf and sees Sebastian.]'' Zut alors, I have missed one! ''[Louis picks up Sebastian.]'' Sacre bleu! What is this? How on earth could I miss such a sweet little succulent crab? Quel dommage, what a loss! Here we go in the sauce. ''[He throws him in a sauce bowl with Polynesian sauce and throws flour on him.]'' Now some flour-I think just a dab. ''[Sebastian sneezes.]'' Now I stuff you with bread. ''[Louis stuffs Sebastian's shells with lettuce and bread.]'' It don't hurt, 'cause you're dead And you're certainly lucky you are. ''[he spits it out.]'' 'Cause it's gonna be hot in my big silver pot. Tootle-loo, mon poisson, au revoir! ''[He tosses Sebastian into the boiling pot, with one of the hot bubbles popping at him changing him back to red and tossing him out of the pot and on the counter. Chef Louis notices him. He picks him up with a fork.]'' What is this? :''[Sebastian pinches his nose and Sebastian flies away, landing on the handle of a saucepan. Louis tries to grab him again and his hand goes on the stove. Yowling, he reels back in pain. A pan lands on his foot and he hops about.]'' :''[He grabs knives from a knife block and throws them towards Sebastian, who scampers through a small hole in the cabinet. On the counter he drops a bowl with food onto Louis' head. He runs under the cabinet again as the chef lifts an enormous knife and chops it in half.]'' :''[Sebastian dashes across the floor as a knife lands in front of him. He runs between Louis' legs towards a cabinet with dishes. Louis jumps to the cabinet with a hammer.]'' :''[Crashing noises are heard.]'' :'''Carlotta''': I think I'd better go see what Louis is up to. :''[The kitchen is in total disarray as Louis digs around looking for Sebastian.]'' :'''Chef Louis''': Come out, you little pipsqueak, and '''''FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!''''' :'''Carlotta''': ''[losing control of her rage and yelling at Louis]'' '''''LOUIS!''''' :''[Louis bangs his head. Carlotta puts her hands on her hips.]'' :'''Carlotta''': '''''What are you doing?!''''' :'''Chef Louis''': Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, Madame. ''[Extinguishes the flame on his mustache]'' :''[Carlotta carries out the dinner plates in a huff.]'' :'''Grimsby''': You know, Eric, perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour? :''[Carlotta sets their plates down. Eric gazes at Ariel, head in hand.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': I'm sorry, Grim, what was that? :'''Grimsby''': You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. :''[Grimsby lifts his plate's cover to reveal Sebastian cowering in the salad. He motions "shh."]'' :'''Grimsby''': Get your mind off - :''[Ariel beckons him to hide in her plate.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': It's not a bad idea, if she's interested. :''[Sebastian runs to Ariel's plate, and she covers it.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Well - whaddaya say? Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow? :''[Ariel nods vigorously, leaning heavily on her plate's cover.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Wonderful, now let's eat, before this crab wanders off my plate. :''[He stabs his fork at an empty plate.]'' :''[Ariel leans on her balcony, wearing a long sleeve pink nightgown. She watches as Eric plays with Max on the lawn.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Come here, boy! Grrr... :''[Max licks Eric's face and Eric ruffles his fur. He sees Ariel and waves. She waves shyly and backs into her room.]'' :''[Ariel brushes her hair with a fork and Sebastian sits on a table.]'' :'''Sebastian''': This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life. ''[Sebastian picks a lettuce leaf off his head. Ariel passes him and pats his head]'' I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady. ''[Ariel sinks into her bed.]'' Now - we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you. Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best. You gotta bat your eyes - like this. You gotta pucker up your lips - like this. ''[Sebastian demonstrates to Ariel. He sees Ariel has fallen asleep. Smiling, he blows out a candle on the nightstand and hops onto the pillow beside her.]'' Hmm. You are hopeless child. You know dat? Completely hopeless... :''[The seahorse swims hurriedly to the throne room, where King Triton swims back and forth with his hands behind his back.]'' :'''King Triton''': Any sign of them? :'''Herald''': No, Your Majesty. We've searched everywhere. We've found no trace of your daughter - or Sebastian. :'''King Triton''': Well, keep looking. Leave no shell unturned, no coral unexplored. Let no one in this kingdom sleep until she's safe at home. :'''Herald''': Yes, sire. :''[The seahorse bows and leaves. Triton sits in his throne.]'' :'''King Triton''': Oh, what have I done? What have I done? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Carlotta and Grimsby wave goodbye to Eric and Ariel as they ride away in a horse-drawn buggy. They take a road leading to town and Ariel points excitedly. Ariel leans over the side of the buggy to watch the ground and the horse's feet clopping.]'' :''[As they pass over a canal, Flounder leaps through the water. Sebastian peers out over the buggy.]'' :'''Flounder''': Has he kissed her yet? :'''Sebastian''': Not yet. :'''Flounder''': ''[disappointedly]'' Ohh. :''[In the bustling town square, Ariel watches a man push a cart of clucking chickens. Two puppets perform on a small stage. Ariel pulls one off, revealing the puppeteer's hand. She pulls Eric's hand to the dance area. He twirls her and lifts her into the air.]'' :''[Scuttle flies overhead as Flounder swims in the canal.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Yo, Flounder! Any kissing? :'''Flounder''': No, not yet. :'''Scuttle''': Hmm. Well, they - they better get crackin'. :''[In the buggy, Eric and Ariel ride out of town. Ariel wears a hat and holds bread, a bouquet of flowers, and a pair of boots. Eric offers Ariel the reins. She eagerly snaps them and the buggy races forward. Eric gasps, seeing a wide gulley ahead. Ariel speeds and they soar across to the other side. Eric peeks up from the floor of the buggy. As they rise off into the countryside, Eric relaxes, folding his hands behind his head.]'' :''[Eric rows himself and Ariel out on the lagoon.]'' :'''Flounder''': Move over - move your big feathers. I can't see a thing. :'''Scuttle''': Nothing, is happening... Only one day left, and that boy ain't puckered up once. O.K. All right, this calls for a little vocal romantic stimulation. Stand back. :''[Scuttle lands on a branch and sings horribly.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Wow. Somebody should find that poor animal and put it out of its misery. :''[Ariel grimaces and puts her head in her hands as Scuttle signals "A OK." Sebastian covers his ears.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Jeez, man, I'm surrounded by amateurs! ''[He dives down into the water and picks a reed.]'' You want something done, you've got to do it yourself. First, we got to create the '''''mood.''''' ''[Ducks appear and turtles turn over on their backs.]'' Percussion... ''[The ducks tap the turtle's bellies as if they were drums.]'' Strings...''[Sebastian conducts crickets, who rub their legs together]'' Winds... ''[The wind blows through the reeds.]'' Words. ''[singing]'' There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dyin' to try / You wanna kiss the girl :'''Prince Eric''': ''[turning to look back]'' Did you hear something? :''[Ariel shrugs.]'' :''[Sebastian and the lagoon creatures continue singing, disappointed that Eric hasn't kissed Ariel.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yes, you want her / Look at her, you know you do / Possible she wants you too / There is one way to ask her / It don't take a word / Not a single word / Go on and kiss the girl / Sing with me now / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / My oh my / Look like the boy too shy / Ain't gonna kiss the girl / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Ain't that sad? / Ain't it a shame? / Too bad, he gonna miss the girl :'''Prince Eric''': You know, I feel really bad not knowing your name. Heh - maybe I could guess. Is it, uh, Mildred? ''[Ariel sticks out her tongue in disgust.]'' O.K., no. How 'bout - Diana? ''[Ariel shakes her head.]'' Rachel? :'''Sebastian''': ''[whispering]'' Ariel. Her name is Ariel. :''[Eric looks back, confused.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel? ''[Ariel nods enthusiastically.]'' Ariel? ''[Ariel takes his hand]'' Well, that's kinda pretty. O.K. - Ariel... :''[Sebastian and the lagoon creatures continue serenading them as they float along. Two pelicans pull back the leaves of a willow tree as Eric and Ariel pass through.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Now's your moment ''(ya, ya, ya)'' / Floating in a blue lagoon ''(ya, ya, ya)'' / Boy, you better do it soon / No time will be better ''(ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya)'' / She don't say a word / And she won't say a word / Until you kiss the girl ''[Fish circle under the boat, turning it slowly.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Don't be scared ''(sha-la, sha-la-la ya, ya, ya)'' / You got the mood prepared ''(woah, woah)'' / Go on and kiss the girl ''[Fireflies surround the boat.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Don't stop now ''(sha-la, sha-la-la ya, ya, ya)'' / Don't try to hide it how / You wanna kiss the girl ''(whoa, whoa)'' / ''[As Scuttle begins to sing, flamingos shut him up.]'' Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Float along ''(sha-la, sha-la-la)'' / And listen to the song / The song say kiss the girl ''(whoa, whoa)'' ''[Fish, including Flounder, surround the boat and spurt water from their lips, creating a fountain effect. The animals whisper to kiss Ariel.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / The music play ''(ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya)'' / Do what the music say / You got to kiss the girl ''[Eric leans in and gazes into her eyes. Ariel closes her eyes and puckers her lips in anticipation.]''/ You've got to kiss the girl / Oh, don't you wanna kiss the girl / You've gotta kiss the girl / Go on and kiss the girl :''[Eric closes his eyes as well and their lips nearly touch before they are knocked out of the rowboat, which flips thanks to Flotsam and Jetsam, then Eric and Ariel fall into the water.]'' :''[Sebastian hits his head and Scuttle looks mortified.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Whoa, hang on - I've gotcha. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lagoon creatures skitter away as Flotsam and Jetsam rise and slap their tails in the style of a high-five and snicker.]'' :''[Ursula watches Ariel and Eric through a bubble.]'' :'''Ursula''': Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Oh, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure. ''[Ursula swims to her shelf of ingredients and smashes them aside, picking up some ingredients.'' Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles! ''[Ursula smashes ingredients into the cauldron, sending puffs of smoke in the water.]'' Triton's daughter will be mine! And then I'll make him writhe. I'll see him wriggle like a worm on a hook! ''[Laughing, she clutches her nautilus shell around her neck. A golden light emanates from behind her transitioning into the moon. Ursula transforms into a human and her voice becomes Ariel's.]'' :''[The moon shines bright. On a terrace, Eric plays the melody of "Part of Your World (Reprise)" on his flute. He gazes out to sea, contemplating as Grimsby approaches.]'' :'''Grimsby''': ''[putting an arm around Eric]'' Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl, is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring, and right before your eyes. :''[Eric glances up at a window where Ariel stands in her nightgown, combing her hair with a fork. Eric smiles towards her. He looks sadly at his flute. Gazing firmly at it, he stakes a step back and throws it out into the water. He looks towards Ariel's window and begins to stride towards it, but stops.]'' :''[He hears Ariel's voice vocalizing "Ahhh." He leans over the edge of the terrace to see a woman walking along the shore, Ursula in disguise. Eric strains to see her clearly. The shell necklace hangs around her neck, glowing brightly. An eerie golden mist winds through the air towards Eric. It fills his eyes, enchanting him.]'' :''[Scuttle swoops over the castle, flying to Ariel's window.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Ariel! Ariel, wake up! Wake up! I just heard the news. Congratulations, kiddo, we did it! :''[Scuttle shakes Ariel's hand as she sits up, still half-asleep. Sebastian yawns and tries to go back to sleep.]'' :'''Sebastian''': What is this idiot babbling about?! :'''Scuttle''': Right - as if you two didn't know, uh? The whole town's buzzin' about the Prince gettin' himself hitched this afternoon! You know, he's gettin' married! :''[Scuttle picks up Sebastian and rubs his head.]'' :'''Scuttle''': You silly sidewalker! ''[to Ariel]'' I just wanted to wish you luck. I'll catch you later, I wouldn't miss it! :''[Scuttle flies out the window. Ariel's eyes grow wide. Leaping out of bed, she scoops up Sebastian, twirls him around and gives him a kiss on the head. She fluffs her hair and rushes out the room and down the stairs. Sebastian gets out of bed and follows her]'' :'''Grimsby''': Well, uh - err, Eric. I-it appears that I was mistaken. ''[Ariel stops, flabbergasted. She hides behind a beam and listens on.]'' This mystery maiden of yours does - in fact exist. And - and she is lovely. ''[holding Vanessa's hand]'' Congratulations, my dear. :'''Prince Eric''': We wish to be married as soon as possible. :'''Grimsby''': Oh, yes - of course, Eric, but, er - but these things do take time, you know... :'''Prince Eric''': This afternoon, Grimsby. The wedding ship departs at sunset. :'''Grimsby''': Oh, oh - very well, Eric - as you wish. :''[Ariel is distraught and runs off crying. Vanessa touches her necklace and laughs as Eric stands stiffly, under a trance.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wedding boat departs from the dock. Ariel stands at the docks watching. She sinks to the ground, burying her head and cries. Sebastian looks up at her and sadly bows his head. A tear rolls down her cheek and falls in the water. Nearby, Flounder cries too. Over the ship, Scuttle swoops down over the sky.]'' :'''Vanessa''': What a lovely little bride I'll make / My dear, I'll look divine ''[Scuttle peeks through a porthole to see "Vanessa" singing to herself.]''/ Things are working out according / To my ultimate design ''[She throws a hairpin at the Angel figure in her mirror. He gulps, realizing the bride is not Ariel.]'' / Soon I'll have that little mermaid / And the ocean will be mine ''[Vanessa steps onto her vanity, crushing a bottle. She twirls around and pulls the mirror towards her. Scuttle sees her reflection is that of Ursula.]'' :'''Scuttle''': The Sea Witch! Oh no... She's gotta- I gotta... ''[In a rush to leave, he bumps his head on the porthole. He flies back to Ariel.]'' Ariel! Ariel! Ariel, I was flying, I wa - of course I was flying - An' - I s- I saw that the watch - the witch was watchin' a mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set o' pipes! ''[Scuttle picks up Sebastian and clanks him against the ground repeatedly.]'' '''''Do you hear what I'm tellin' you?!''''' The Prince is marrying the Sea Witch in disguise! :''[Ariel drops her jaw.]'' :'''Sebastian''': ''[rubbing his head]'' Are you sure about this? :'''Scuttle''': Have I ever been wrong? I mean when it's important! :'''Flounder''': What are we gonna do!? :''[Ariel looks to the setting sun and hears Ursula's voice in her head.]'' :'''Ursula''': Before the sun sets on the third day... :''[Ariel leaps into the water and splashes around helplessly. Sebastian cuts free some barrels for Ariel to hang onto.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, grab on to dat. Flounder, get her to that boat as fast as your fins can carry you! :'''Flounder''': I'll try. :''[Flounder loops himself onto the rope and pulls Ariel along to the boat.]'' :'''Sebastian''': I've gotta get to the sea king. He must know about this. :'''Scuttle''': What - What about me? What about me? :'''Sebastian''': You - find a way to '''''stall dat wedding!''''' :'''Scuttle''': Stall the wedding. Wh- what am I - what - that's it! ''[Scuttle squawks and takes off for the lagoon, alerting the other birds. Bluebirds and flamingos follow him. Starfish, lobsters, dolphins, and sea lions look up. The animals follow Scuttle.]'' Move it! Let's go! We've got an emergency here! :''[Cut to: Deck of Eric's boat]'' :''[Vanessa and Eric walk down the aisle. Max snarls at her as she passes by, and she kicks him. A short bishop stands at the end of the aisle.]'' :'''Bishop''': Dearly beloved... :''[Cut to: Ocean]'' :''[Flounder pulls Ariel.]'' :'''Flounder''': Don't worry Ariel. Ugh - we - we're gonna make it. We're almost there. :''[Cut to: Deck of Eric's boat]'' :'''Bishop''': Yes, um, do you Eric, take Vanessa, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for as long as you both shall live? :''[Vanessa looks out to the sun, noticing it's almost set.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': I do. :''[Scuttle squawks.]'' :'''Bishop''': Eh, and do you... ''[A squadron of bluebirds swoop down from the sky, led by Scuttle, aimed directly towards Vanessa. She ducks. They circle around and fly under her white dress. Max barks. Guests are alarmed as sea lions get on deck. Pelicans fly overhead and dump beaks full of water on Vanessa. A lobster pinches her nose and starfish smother her and screams.]'' ''[Oblivious to the commotion]'' then by the power invest- :'''Vanessa''': Get away from me you slimy little- ''[A sea lion tosses her in the air on his nose. Ariel arrives and climbs up the ship. The sea lions toss Vanessa into the wedding cake. She pops out, furious, and three dolphins squirt water in her face. Scuttle squawks in her face.]'' Oh, why you little- ''[Vanessa wrings Scuttle's neck. Max breaks free from his leash. Max bites Vanessa in the rear and Scuttle pulls at Vanessa's necklace, which goes flying through the air. The shell of Ursula's necklace was broken into pieces, and Ariel's voice was heard singing and inserted back into Ariel.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Eric. :''[Max barks happily at her.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': You - you can talk. You're the one. :''[Eric runs to her and grasps her hands.]'' :'''Vanessa''': ''[now in Ursula's own voice]'' Eric, get away from her! :''[Ursula covers her mouth.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': It - it was you all the time. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric, I - I wanted to tell you. :'''Vanessa''': Eric, no! :''[The sun sets as they are about to kiss, and her legs turn back into a tail.]'' :'''Vanessa''': ''[as Ariel turns back into a mermaid]'' You are too late! ''[cackles wickedly]'' '''''<big><big><big><big>YOU ARE TOO LATE!!!!</big></big></big></big>''''' :''[Vanessa rips out of her dress and turns back into Ursula. The crowd gasps in shock.]'' :'''Ursula''': So long, Lover Boy. :''[She slithers across the deck, grabs Ariel, and dives over the edge of the ship.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ursula''': Poor little princess, don't be frightened, it's not you I'm after. I've a much bigger fish to - :'''King Triton''': Ursula, stop! :''[Triton points his glowing trident at Ursula.]'' :'''Ursula''': Why, King Triton! Ha ha ha - How are you? :'''King Triton''': Let her go. :'''Ursula''': Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now. We made a deal. ''[as she shows Triton the glowing scroll as Flotsam and Jetsam restrain Ariel]'' :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I'm sorry! I - I - I didn't mean to. I didn't know - :''[Triton zaps a beam at Ursula and the contract, which remain unharmed.]'' :'''Ursula''': You '''''see?''''' The contract's legal, binding and completely unbreakable - even for you. Of course, I always was a girl with an eye for a bargain. The daughter of the great sea king is a very precious commodity. ''[The contract is released by Ursula and its golden light swirls around Ariel]'' But - I might be willing to make an exchange for someone even better... ''[as she touches her tentacle to Triton's crown]'' :''[Cut to: Eric's boat]'' :''[Eric rows a small boat out to sea.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! What are you doing? :'''Prince Eric''': Grim, I lost her once. I'm not gonna lose her again. :''[Cut to: Under the water]'' :''[Ariel becomes increasingly small and shriveled to resemble the souls in Ursula's garden. She holds out the contract.]'' :'''Ursula''': Now! Do we have a deal? ''[Triton looks away and signs over Ariel's signature using his trident.]'' Ha! It's done then! ''[The magical golden current holding Ariel releases her and takes over Triton, turning him into one of Ursula's souls.]'' :'''Ariel''': No... Oh, no! :''[Ursula cackles.]'' :''[Cut to: above water]'' :''[Eric stands in his rowboat, harpoon in hand.]'' :''[Cut to: under water]'' :''[Only Triton's crown and trident remain.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Oh, Your Majesty... :'''Ariel''': Daddy? :'''Ursula''': At last. ''[as she picks up the crown and puts it on.]'' :'''Ariel''': No. :'''Ursula''': It's mine. ''[as she holds the trident and cackles to herself. Ariel angrily springs at her.]'' :'''Ariel''': You... ''[angrily swimming and attacks Ursula]'' '''''<big>YOU MONSTER!!!</big>''''' :''[Ursula :'''Ursula''': ''[throws Ariel down and points the trident at her]'' Don't fool with me ya little brat! Contract or no- Ahh! :''[Eric's harpoon grazes Ursula's arm. He watches under water.]'' :'''Ursula''': Why, you little troll! :'''Ariel''': Eric! Eric, look out! :'''Ursula''': ''[to Flotsam and Jetsam]'' After him! :''[Flotsam and Jetsam chase Eric as he swims back to the surface. He reaches his boat, but they pull him back under water.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Come on! :'''Flotsam''': Ow! :''[Sebastian and Flounder attack. Sebastian pinches one eel's tail while Flounder flaps his fins in the other's face.]'' :'''Ursula''': Say goodbye to your sweetheart. ''[Ursula aims the trident at Eric, but Ariel yanks her hair, causing the beam of lightning to hit Flotsam and Jetsam, who burn to crisp, smelling like burning ash.]'' Babies! My poor, little poopsies. :''[Ursula holds their remains and her eyes go wild. Seeing Ariel escaping, Ursula begins to grow, huff, and release a black cloud of ink. Flounder and Sebastian cower.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to: above water]'' :'''Ariel''': Eric, you've get to get away from here. :'''Prince Eric''': No, I won't leave you. :''[A spike on Triton's crown comes between Eric and Ariel as a gigantic Ursula rises from the water, laughing manically.'' ''Eric and Ariel jump into the water and clutch each other, looking up to see Ursula towering over them.]'' :'''Ursula''': You pitiful, insignificant, fool! :'''Prince Eric''': ''[pointing]'' Look out! :''[One of Ursula's tentacles crashes down into the water.]'' :'''Ursula''': Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim! :''[Ursula raises the trident and swirls it, creating a storm with lightning. A wave sweeps Eric away.]'' :'''Ariel''': Eric! :'''Ursula''': The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! ''[She swirls the trident in the water, creating a whirlpool. The spinning funnel reaches the ocean floor, churning up sunken ships. Ariel dodges the wreckage. One of the ships veers towards Eric and he tries to swim away, but he is shoved under water.'' ''Gliding along the bottom of the ship, he grabs onto a rope and hoists himself up the side and onto the deck.'' ''She was cackling]'' So much for true love! ''[As Ursula is about to bring her trident down on Ariel, Eric steers the ship into her. She is impaled by the sharp bow. Ursula screams in pain. Her eyes flash and her body is filled with lightning as the ship goes down on top of her. Her tentacles writhe as the ship sinks into the sea.]'' :''Cut to: under water'' :''[The trident sinks down along with debris.]'' :''[Cut to: Ursula's Lair]'' :''[The shriveled souls of the Atlanticans trapped in Ursula's lair are set free and swim out of the lair. The trident falls back to Triton, who transforms back into himself.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to: shore]'' :''[Eric lies on the beach and Ariel gazes from a distance seated on a rock. Triton and Sebastian look on.]'' :'''King Triton''': She really does love him, doesn't she, Sebastian? :''[Sebastian nods.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty. Children got to be free to lead their own lives. :'''King Triton''': You - always say that? ''[sighs]'' Then, I guess there's just one problem left. :'''Sebastian''': And what's dat, Your Majesty? :'''King Triton''': How much I'm going to miss her. :''[Sebastian looks up at Triton. The King's trident glows and he touches it to the water. It forms a glowing golden path to Ariel. She looks down, surprised as her tail glows and smiles at her father.]'' :''[Eric wakes up and sees Ariel rising from the water, wearing a shimmering purple gown. She walks towards him, arms open wide, on legs.'' ''Eric runs to her and twirls her around. Their lips meet in a kiss, which fades into their wedding day. Max jumps up between them and licks them.'' ''Guests on the ship cheer. Carlotta cries and uses Grimsby's handkerchief as a napkin. In the ocean, merpeople gather around the ship and wave. Triton and Ariel's mersisters smile and wave. Scuttle brings Flounder up to the side of the ship. Scuttle flaps away and winks. Ariel kisses him and pats Scuttle's head.'' ''On the wedding cake, Sebastian sits between two cake toppers of Ariel and Eric. He hugs them, smiling tearfully. Suddenly, he sees Louis raising a knife over him. He jumps off and the chef cuts the cake in half. He scampers down the walkway as Louis throws a knife at him and chases him around the deck. Sebastian snips a rope with his claw and a wooden beam swings into Louis' face. His teeth fall out and he collapses. Sebastian jumps into the water between Scuttle and Flounder.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yes, ''[bowing]'' Thank you, thank you. :''[On the ship, Ariel looks over the railing at her father. A fountain of water raises him up and they hug.]'' :'''Ariel''': I love you, Daddy. :''[Behind them, Eric bows to King Triton. Triton nods. Touching Ariel's cheek, Triton returns to the water. Ariel blows him a kiss. Eric steps up and Ariel slips her arm through his.]'' :'''Chorus''': Now we can walk / Now we can run /Now we can stay all day in the sun / Just you and me / And I can be / Part of your world / Ah-ah-ah-ah / Ah-ah-ah / Ah-ah-ah, ah :''[In the water, Triton sweeps his trident in the air, forming a sparkling rainbow in the sky. The merpeople wave as the ship sails off and they dive below the water. Ariel and Eric kiss.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''["Under the Sea" and the Main Titles music plays as credits roll]'' :'''Sebastian''': The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things surround you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floatin' / Under the sea :'''Sebastian and Blue Crab''': Down here all the fish is happy / As off through the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy :'''Sebastian''': They sad 'cause they in their bowl ''(a fish is seen in a bubble)'' / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry :'''Deep Voice Fish''': Guess who's gon' be on the plate? :'''Sebastian''': Oh, no, under the sea / Under the sea / Nobody beat us / Fry us and eat us / In fricassee / We what the land folks loves to cook / Under the sea we off the hook / We got no troubles / Life is the bubbles / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Since life is sweet here / We got the beat here / Naturally ''(naturally)'' / Even the sturgeon and the ray / They get the urge 'n' start to play / We got the spirit / You got to hear it / Under the sea / The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul / ''(Yeah)'' / The ray he can play / The lings on the strings / The trout rockin' out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh that blowfish blow / Yeah, under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / When the sardine / Begin the beguine / It's music to me ''(it's music to me)'' / What do they got? A lot of sand / We got a hot crustacean band / Each little clam here / Know how to jam here / Under the sea / Each little slug here / Cuttin' a rug here / Under the sea / Each little snail here / Know how to wail here / That's why it's hotter / Under the water / Ya we in luck here / Down in the muck here / Under the sea! == Songs == === ''Fathoms Below'' === :'''Ship Chorus''': I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue, : And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho! : Look out lad a mermaid be waitin' for you in mysterious Fathoms Below! :'''Prince Eric''': Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face. Ah, perfect day to be at sea. :'''Grimsby''': Oh yes... delightful... :'''Sailor 1''': A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a friendly-type mood. :'''Prince Eric''': King Triton? :'''Sailor 2''': Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. :'''Ship Chorus''': I'll sing you a song of the king of the sea, : And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho! : The ruler of all of the oceans is he, in mysterious fathoms below! :'''Grimsby''': Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense. :'''Sailor 2''': But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' ya, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. :'''Ship Chorus''': Fathoms below, below : From whence wayward westerlies blow : Where Triton is king and his merpeople sing : In mysterious fathoms below === ''Daughters of Triton'' === :'''King Triton's Daughters''': Oh, we are the daughters of Triton : Great father who loves us and named us well : Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina and Ariel : In concert we hope to enlighten : The heart of the merfolk : With music's swell : Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina : And then there is the youngest in her musical debut : Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you : To sing a song Sebastian wrote : Her voice is like a bell : She's our sister, Ari-- :'''King Triton''': ARIEL!!! === ''Part of Your World'' === :'''Ariel''': Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? : Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? : Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, : The girl who has everything? : Look at this trove, treasures untold, : How many wonders can one cavern hold? : Lookin' around here you'd think, : 'Sure, she's got everything. : I've got gizmos and gadgets aplenty, : I've got whozits and whatzits galore : You want thingamabobs? : I've got plenty : But who cares? : No big deal : I want more === ''Part of Your World'' Reprise === :'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are? : What would I pay, to stay here beside you? : What would I do to see you smiling at me? : Where would we walk? : Where would we run? : If we could stay all day in the sun : Just you and me : And I could be : Part of your world : I don't know when : I don't know how : But I know something's starting right now : Watch and you'll see : Someday I'll be : Part of your world === ''Under the Sea'' === : '''Sebastian''': Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there! : ''[sings]'' The seaweed is always greener : In somebody else's lake, : You dream about going up there, : But that is a big mistake. : Just look at the world around you, : Right here on the ocean floor. : Such wonderful things around you. : What more is you lookin' for? : Under the Sea, under the sea. : Darlin', it's better, down where it's wetter. : Take it from me. : Up on the shore, they work all day. : Out in the sun they slave away, : While we devoting full time to floating : Under the sea. : Down here all the fish is happy, : As off through the waves they roll : The fish on the land ain't happy, : They sad 'cause they in their bowl : The fish in the bowl is lucky, : They in for a worser fate : One day when the boss gets hungry, : Guess who's gonna be on the plate? === ''Poor Unfortunate Souls'' === : '''Ursula''': The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself. : '''Ariel''': Can you do that? : '''Ursula''': My dear sweet child, that's what I do. It's what I live for, to help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. : ''[sings]'' I admit that in the past I've been a nasty. : They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch. : But you'll find that nowadays, : I've mended all my ways, : Repented, seen the light and made a switch. : True? Yes! : And I fortunately know a little magic, : It's a talent that I always have possessed. : And here lately, please don't laugh, : I use it on behalf : Of the miserable, lonely, and depressed-- : Pathetic! : Poor unfortunate souls, : In pain, in need. : This one longing to be thinner, : That one wants to get the girl, : And do I help them? Yes, indeed! === ''Les Poissons'' === : '''Louis''': Les poissons, les poissons : How I love les poissons : Love to chop up and to serve little fish : First I cut off their heads : Then I pull out their bones : Ah, mais oui, ça c'est : Toujours délice. === ''Kiss the Girl'' === : '''Sebastian''': Percussion, strings, winds, words... : There you see her : Sitting there across the way : She don't got a lot to say : But there's something about her : And you don't know why : But you're dying to try : You wanna kiss the girl === ''Vanessa's Song'' === : '''Ariel's voice''': : What a lovely little bride I'll make, my dear, I'll look divine. : Things are working out according to my ultimate design. : Soon I'll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine!! == Cast (voices) == * [[Jodi Benson]] — Sea Princess Ariel * [[w:Christopher Daniel Barnes|Christopher Daniel Barnes]] — Prince Captain Eric * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — Sea King Triton * [[Pat Carroll (actress)|Pat Carroll]] — Sea Professor Ursula the Sea Witch/Princess Vanessa * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Maestro Horatio Thelonius Ignacius Crustaceus Sebastian Crab * [[w:Patricia Parris|Patricia Parris]] — Cleo * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle Seagull * Jason Marin — Vice Maestro Flounder * [[w:Ben Wright (English actor)|Ben Wright]] — Sir Grimsby * [[René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Madame Carlotta * [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] — Sea Princess Alana, Sea Princess Adella, Sea Princess Arista, Sea Princess Andrina * [[w:Caroline Vasicek|Caroline Vasicek]] — Sea Princess Attina, Sea Princess Aquata * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] — Flotsam and Jetsam Eel ==Taglines== * Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy. * Love has no boundaries. == About ''The Little Mermaid (1989 film)'' == * When we first proposed it, we knew that it was going to be really, really challenging. I mean, for a lot of reasons. But one of the big reasons is two-thirds of the movie takes place underwater. All that requires a lot of animation in this animated films. We have character animation. The artist who animate the characters. They’re kind of like actors. We always felt they are actors with a pencil. [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]] and [[w:Mark Henn|Mark Henn]] who did Ariel. That’s what they do. Then, we have effects animators. Effects animators do the non-character stuff that moves which is like water waves or bubbles. Or fire or smoke or light effects, if there’s anything that moves that isn’t the character. This probably had more character animation than any Disney movie project since “[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]].” This really had a lot of effects, even with the character stuff — like whenever Ariel is underwater, her hair has to move all the time. Hair moving underwater is tricky. We had a lot of meetings about hair. One of the extras in the video is some of the live action footage that we shot for reference to see the hair floating. :* [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html] * You see at the heart of it, “The Little Mermaid” is the father-daughter story. It’s an overprotective father. There’s a daughter who is kind of adventurous and rebellious and wanting to see a new world. How do they resolve that? That story is still in place today. :* [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html] == See also == * ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' * ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|The Little Mermaid (1989 film)}} * {{imdb title | id=0097757 | title=The Little Mermaid}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid, The}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:1989 animated films]] [[Category:1989 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about weddings]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Animated films set on oceans]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:Films about hypnosis]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:3D films]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:American fantasy comedy films]] [[Category:American romantic fantasy films]] oxozbo0oazw6a9qcgxkdsza7r77ymr2 3944637 3944636 2026-05-23T22:57:24Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944637 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|Ariel the Little Mermaid]]''''', also known as simply '''''The Little Mermaid''''' or '''''Ariel''''', is a [[w:1989 in film|1989]] American animated film produced by [[w: Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It tells a fairytale story about a mermaid who makes a [[w:Deal with the Devil|Faustian bargain]] with a villainous sea witch in an attempt to become human and win a prince's love. The [[w:The Little Mermaid (TV series)|same title of the spin-off series]] was aired on [[w:CBS|CBS]] from September 11, 1992 to November 26, 1994, and the direct to video films were released in 2000 with ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' and 2008 with ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]''. The [[The Little Mermaid (2023 film)|live-action remake]] of the same title was released on May 26, 2023. : ''Written and directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], based on the [[w:The Little Mermaid|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Hans Christian Andersen|Hans Christian Andersen]], and based on Atlantis mythology. Songs by [[w:Howard Ashman|Howard Ashman]] and [[w:Alan Menken|Alan Menken]].'' {{center|''' Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy. '''<small>[[#Tagline|Tagline]]</small>}} == Ariel == * Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? * If only I could make him understand. I just don't see things the way he does. I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad. * I've never seen a human this close before. Oh- He's very handsome, isn't he? * ''[furious]'' You... '''''<big>YOU MONSTER!!!</big>''''' * Eric, you've got to get away from here! * ''[softly]'' Just go away. == Prince Eric == * A girl rescued me. She was singing. She had the most beautiful voice. * I'm telling you, Grim, she was real. I'm gonna find that girl... and I'm gonna marry her. * Grim, I lost her once! I'm not gonna lose her again! * No, I won't leave you! == Sebastian == * Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. * ''[as Ariel sleeps]'' You are hopeless, child. You know that? Completely hopeless. * I tried to stop her, sire! She wouldn't listen! I told her to stay away from humans! They are bad! They are trouble! They—! * There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dyin' to try / You wanna kiss the girl. * Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty: Children got to be free to lead their own lives. == Flounder == * You know I can't swim that fast. * ''[screams in terror]'' '''''ARIEL!''''' == Scuttle == * Ariel, I was flying. I was- Of course I was flying. And I saw the watch- the ''witch'' was watchin' the mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set of pipes! ''[picks up Sebastian and slams him down on every word]'' '''''<big>DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M TELLIN' YOU?! THE PRINCE IS MARRYING THE SEA WITCH IN DISGUISE!</big>''''' == King Triton == * I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules, and I expect those rules to be obeyed! * ''[angrily; losing patience]'' So help me, Ariel, I am going to get through to you! And if this is the only way, so '''be''' it. == Ursula == * ''[watching Ariel quickly swim home from her lair; first lines]'' Yes, hurry home, Princess. We wouldn't want to miss old Daddy's celebration, now, would we? Ha! Celebration, indeed. Oh, bah! In my day, we had fantastical feasts when ''I'' lived in the palace. Now look at me, wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving, while he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. * Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it. It's too easy. The child is in love with a human. And not just any human. A prince! ''[Chuckles]'' Her daddy will love that. King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl would make a charming addition to my little garden. ''[Cackles]'' * Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn’t lurk in our doorways. It’s rude. * Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Ah, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure! Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles! Triton's daughter will be ''mine,'' and then I'll make him writhe. I'll see wriggle like a worm on a hook! * Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now! * You pitiful, insignificant fools! Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim. The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! * ''[last words before her demise]'' So much for true love! === Vanessa === * Eric! Get away from her! == Grimsby == * Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring and right before your eyes. == Chef Louis == * Come out, you little pipsqueak, and '''''FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!''''' ''['''Carlotta''': '''''LOUIS! What are you doing?!''''']'' Well, I was just... I'm sorry, madame. == Carlotta == * Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. == Princess Andrina == * Isn't it obvious, Father? Ariel's in love. ''['''King Triton''': Ariel? In love?]'' == Dialogue == :''[First lines; three seagulls fly through gray clouds then swoop down over the ocean. Below, a pod of smiling dolphins leap through the waves in arcing jumps and are swimming happily. The dolphins stop and a seagull flies beside them on the surface. Behind them, a sailing ship looms through the mist, crashing through the waves. The ship's huge wooden prowl heads straight towards the viewers and cruises past. On board, burly sailors haul in a net full of fish from the water.]'' :'''Sailors''': ''[Singing]'' I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho Look out, lad, a mermaid be waitin' for you In mysterious fathoms below. :''[A dark-haired young man named Prince Eric stands on deck.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face... ''[Eric's dog Max barks as the wind blows in their faces.]'' a perfect day to be at sea! :'''Grimsby''': ''[his face is green from obvious seasickness and he is leaning over the side of the ship to throw up]'' Oh yes... delightful... :'''Sailor 1''': A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a friendly-type mood. :'''Prince Eric''': King Triton? :'''Sailor 2''': Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. :'''Grimsby''': Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense. :'''Sailor 2''': ''[wildly waving a fish in Grimsby's face]'' But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' ya, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. :'''Sailors''': ''[singing]'' Heave. ho. Heave, ho. In mysterious fathoms below. :''[The fish in his hand wiggles away and lands back in the ocean, relieved. He stops for a breath then speeds down, leaving a trail of silvery bubbles behind him.]'' :''[Titles roll in shimmering letters "The Little Mermaid" as various fish swim and seaweed sways gently. The camera follows the escaped fish as it makes its way through the ocean pass some sea anemones, a school of tropical fish, and a group of jellyfishes. Neat the ocean floor a pod of whales swims as the fish swims near by a '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :''[In a landscape of coral and seaweed, merpeople swim. They speed over the ocean floor, gently slipping their flipper tails. Swimming through a tunnel, they reach a great palace with at the Kingdom of Atlantica. The merpeople and other sea creatures swim inside and take their seats filling the concert hall inside.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fish with trumpet-like noses play a fanfare. A tiny seahorse with a ruffled collar appears. He coughs before he speaks.]'' :'''Herald''': His Royal Highness, King Triton! :''[Triton enters dramatically, being pulled on a seashell chariot by a trio of dolphins to wild cheering. Sparks shoot from his trident and light a chandelier.]'' :'''Herald''': And presenting the distinguished court composer, Horatio Thelonious Ignatius Crustaceous Sebastian! :''[A fanfare of kazoos play. Sebastian, a tiny red crab, enters riding a small seashell chariot being pulled by two orange fish. He is met with mild applause. He pulls up beside King Triton.]'' :'''King Triton''': I'm really looking forward to this performance, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': Oh, Your Majesty, this will be the finest concert I have ever conducted. ''[Triton lets go bridles on the dolphins as the chariot on lands on the balcony]'' Your daughters - they will be spectacular! ''[The fish flip Sebastian upside down.]'' :'''King Triton''': Yes, and especially my little Ariel. :'''Sebastian''': Yes, yes, she has the most beautiful voice. Hmm? ... ''[under his breath]'' If only she'd show up for rehearsals once in a while... :''[A spotlight appears over Sebastian, and he rides his chariot out over the stage and takes his place at the podium. He takes out a book of music. He taps his baton and directs the orchestra of fish.]'' :''[The sisters swim out of giant clam shells as they sing.]'' :'''Ariel's sisters''': ''[singing]'' Oh, we are the daughters of Triton / Great Father who loves us and named us well: Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Attina, Adella, Alana And then there is the youngest in her musical debut / Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you / To sing a song Sebastian wrote, her voice is like a bell / She's our sister Ari– ''[ A shell rises as the sisters surround it. But when it opens, it is empty! all gasp]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily shouting, roaring]'' '''''<big>ARIEL!!!</big>''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to a sunken shipwreck.]'' :''[Triton's daughter Ariel appears on the mass of a sunken ship looking at something until she hears a voice.]'' :'''Flounder''': ''[from a distance]'' Ariel, wait for me... :'''Ariel''': ''[waving him over]'' Flounder, hurry up! :'''Flounder''': ''[catching up is a small yellow and blue fish named Flounder]'' You know I can't swim that fast. :'''Ariel''': ''[pointing to a sunken ship]'' There it is. Isn't it fantastic? :'''Flounder''': Yeah... sure... it - it's great. Now let's get outta here. :''[Flounder begins to swim away, and Ariel yanks his fins towards her.]'' :'''Ariel''': You're not getting cold fins now, are you? :''[Ariel swims towards the ship. Flounder follows after her.]'' :'''Flounder''': Who, me? No way. It's just, it, err... it looks - damp in there. Yeah. And I think I may be coming down with something. Yeah, I got this cough. :''[Flounder coughs unconvincingly.]'' :'''Ariel''': All right. I'm going inside. You can just stay here and - watch for sharks. :''[Ariel swims inside through a porthole.]'' :'''Flounder''': O.K. Yeah - you go. I'll stay and - ''[suddenly realizing what's she's said]'' what? Sharks! Ariel? :''[He tries to squeeze through the porthole but gets stuck.]'' :'''Flounder''': Ariel... I can't... I mean- Ariel help! :'''Ariel''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Flounder. :'''Flounder''': ''[whispering]'' Ariel, do you really think there might be sharks around here? :''[Ariel comes back to help him.]'' :'''Ariel''': Flounder, don't be such a guppy. :''[A huge Great White shark passes behind them as Flounder squeezes in.]'' :'''Flounder''': I'm not a guppy. ''[Flounder finally squeezes through and explores the ship with Ariel]'' This is great - I mean, I really love this. Excitement, adventure, danger lurking around every corner... :''[Flounder sees a skull and screams. He crashes into a pillar, causing wooden beams to fall down.]'' :'''Flounder''': '''''ARIEL!''''' :''[He swims frantically away, knocking over Ariel.]'' :'''Ariel''': Oh, are you okay? :''[Flounder shakes intensely.]'' :'''Flounder''': Yeah sure, no problem, I'm okay... :'''Ariel''': Shhh... :''[Ariel swims to an upper level of the ship. Resting atop a heap is a silver fork.]'' :'''Ariel''': Oh, my gosh! Oh my gosh! ''[picking up a fork]'' Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? :'''Flounder''': Wow, cool! But, err, what is it? :'''Ariel''': I don't know. But I bet Scuttle will. :''[Ariel puts the fork in her bag. The shark swims by outside.]'' :'''Flounder''': What was that? Did you hear something? :'''Ariel''': ''[distracted by a pipe]'' Hmm, I wonder what this one is? :'''Flounder''': Ariel... :'''Ariel''': Flounder, will you relax. Nothing is going to happen. :''[The shark appears in front of the porthole, behind Flounder, jaws wide open. He chomps down on the glass.]'' :'''Flounder''': '''''SHARK! SHARK! WE'RE GONNA DIE!''''' :''[The shark bangs his head on the ceiling of the ship. He chases Ariel and Flounder, and they swim for an upper deck. Flounder screams as the shark breaks through the floor, chomping towards them. Ariel's bag gets caught on a plank and she goes back for it.]'' :''[Flounder swims towards a porthole and gets stuck again.]'' :'''Flounder''': Oh, no! :''[Ariel pushes him through and wriggles out behind him. Flounder screams as the shark bursts through the wall and chases them around the ships' mast.]'' :''Flounder bumps into a crossbeam. The shark lunges towards Flounder but misses as Flounder sinks towards the bottom with a dazed look. Ariel spots him and swims down to get him, dropping her bag.]'' :''[The shark races towards them, but his head gets stuck in the ring of an anchor. Ariel picks up her bag, which has landed near her]'' :'''Flounder''': You big bully. :''[Flounder blows a raspberry. The shark snaps at him and Flounder swims with Ariel towards the surface.]'' :'''Ariel''': ''[laughing]'' Flounder, you really are a guppy. :'''Flounder''': I am not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to the surface.]'' :''[On a tiny island, a seagull named Scuttle hums a song and looks through his telescope.]'' :'''Scuttle''': ''[singing]'' 1492, dah-de-dum dee-do-do, rum-dim-dim, dee-do-dee-do :''[Scuttle sticks his telescope on his head]'' :'''Ariel''': Scuttle! :'''Scuttle''': ''[looking through the telescope the wrong way, making Ariel appear farther away, shouting]'' Whoa! Mermaid off the port bow! Ariel, how you doin' kid? :''[Scuttle lowers the telescope to reveal Ariel at wing's length]'' :'''Scuttle''': Whoa, what a swim! :'''Ariel''': Scuttle - look what we found. :''[Ariel pulls up her bag and hands it to Scuttle.]'' :'''Flounder''': Yeah - we were in this sunken ship - it was really creepy. :'''Scuttle''': Human stuff, huh? Hey, lemme see. :''[Scuttle drops an anchor. It catches on his foot and knocks him off his perch. Rummaging through Ariel's bag after stepping over Flounder, he takes out the fork.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Oh! Oh! Look at this. Wow - this is special - this is very, very unusual. :'''Ariel''': What? What is it? :'''Scuttle''': It's a dinglehopper! Humans use these little babies... '[[Scuttle flicks the fork, but catches it]'' to straighten their hair out. :''[Scuttle twirls the fork around his feathers on top of his head.]'' :'''Scuttle''': See - just a little twirl here an' a yank there and - violee! :''[Scuttles feathers go up in a poof.]'' :'''Scuttle''': You got an aesthetically pleasing configuration of hair that humans go nuts over. :''[Scuttle hands the fork back to Ariel.]'' :'''Ariel''': A dinglehopper! :'''Flounder''': ''[in reference to the pipe]'' What about that one? :''[Scuttle shows Ariel and Flounder a tobacco pipe]'' :'''Scuttle''': This, I haven't seen this in years. This is wonderful! A banded, bulbous snarfblatt. :'''Ariel and Flounder''': Oh! :'''Scuttle''': Now, the snarfblatt dates back to pre-hysterical times when humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day. [comes face to face with Ariel] Got very boring. So they invented this snarfblatt to make fine music. Please allow me. ''[blows into it, only to have seaweed and water come out]'' Oops. :'''Ariel''': ''[realizing what Scuttle said]'' Music! :'''Scuttle''': ''[coughs]'' It's stuffed! :'''Ariel''': Oh, the concert! Oh, my gosh, my Father's gonna kill me! :'''Flounder''': The concert was ''today?'' :'''Scuttle''': ''[inspects the "snarfblatt" further]'' Maybe you could make a little planter out of it or somethin'. :'''Ariel''': ''[takes it back]'' Uh, I'm sorry! I've gotta go! Thank you, Scuttle! :''[she and Flounder swim back home]'' :'''Scuttle''': Anytime, sweetie! Anytime. :'''Ursula''': ''[watching Ariel from her lair via Flotsam and Jetsam]'' Yes. Hurry home, Princess. We wouldn't want to miss old Daddy's celebration, huh? Would we? ''[scoffs]'' Celebration, indeed. Oh, bah! In my day, we had fantastical feasts, when ''I'' lived in the palace. ''[closeup of her eating a shrimp]'' Now, look at me. Wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving! While he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. ''[to her eels]'' Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. ''[fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Triton is admonishing Ariel in the throne room]'' :'''King Triton''': I just don't know what we're going to do with you, Little Lady. :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I'm sorry, I just forgot, I... :'''King Triton''': As a result of your careless behavior... :'''Sebastian''': Careless and reckless behavior. :'''King Triton''': The entire celebration was, er... :'''Sebastian''': Well, it was ruined! That is all, completely destroyed! This concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career. Now thanks to you, I am the laughingstock of the entire kingdom! :'''Flounder''': ''[angrily; swimming up to King Triton]'' But it wasn't her fault! I mean. Well, first, this shark chased us. Yeah, yeah! And we tried to… But we couldn't. And then, "grr!" And… and we, whoa! Ah, and then we were safe. But then this seagull came, and it was "this is this, and that is that, and…" :'''King Triton''': "Seagull"? What? Oh. You went up to the surface again, didn't you? ''Didn't you?!'' :'''Ariel''': Nothing... happened. :'''King Triton''': ''[exasperatedly]'' Ariel, how many times must we go through this? You could've been seen by one of those barbarians, by... by one of those... ''Humans!'' :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' Daddy, they're not barbarians! :'''King Triton''': They are ''dangerous.'' Do you think I want to see my youngest daughter snared by some fish-eater's hook? :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' I'm 16 years old! I'm not a child anymore! :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily; frustrated]'' Don't you take that tone of voice with me, Young Lady. As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey '''''MY''''' rules. :'''Ariel''': But if you would just listen— :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily]'' '''''NOT ANOTHER WORD!''''' '''And I am never, ''NEVER'' to hear of you going to the surface again.''' '''''IS THAT CLEAR?!''''' :''[Ariel disappointedly swims away]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hmph. Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. :'''King Triton''': Do you think I-I was too hard on her? :'''Sebastian''': Definitely not. Why, if Ariel was my daughter, I'd show her who was boss. So none of this flitting to the surface and other such nonsense. No, sir - I'd keep her under tight control. :'''King Triton''': ''[smiles]'' You're absolutely right, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': Of course. :'''King Triton''': Ariel needs constant supervision. :'''Sebastian''': ''Constant.'' :'''King Triton''': Someone to watch over her, to keep her out of trouble. :'''Sebastian''': All the time. :'''King Triton''': ''[pokes Sebastian]'' And ''you'' are just the crab to do it. :'''Sebastian''': But, I... :''[Cut to Sebastian walking down corridor.]'' :'''Sebastian''': How do I get myself into these situations? I'm supposed to be writing symphonies, not tagging along after some headstrong teenager. ''[Sees Ariel and Flounder sneaking off and follows.]'' Hmm? What is that girl up to? ''[He barely makes it into the grotto and sees Ariel's collection.]'' Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Ariel, are you okay? :'''Ariel''': If only I could make him understand ''[Sebastian covers his mouth in disbelief.]'' I just don't see things the way he does. I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things - could be bad. ''[Ariel swims around referencing various items in her collection. Sebastian frowns and stays out of sight. Ariel dances with Flounder and sings about her dream of being part of the human world. As Ariel's hair floats around her, she gazes up at a hole at the top of her grotto.]'' ''[Singing]'' Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? / Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? / Wouldn't you think I'm the girl? / The girl who has everything? / Look at this trove / Treasures untold / How many wonders can one cavern hold?/ Lookin’ around here you'd think / Sure, she's got everything. / I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty / I've got whozits and whatzits galore. ''[Sebastian looks through a pair of glasses; Ariel opens a box of wine cork removers]'' You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! / But who cares? / No big deal. / I want more / I wanna be where the people are. / I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancin’ / ''[plays with dancing music box]'' Walkin’ around on those, what do you call ‘em? / Oh, feet / Flippin’ your fins, you don't get too far. / Legs are required for jumpin’, dancin’ / Strollin’ along down a, what's that word again? Street / Up where they walk, up where they run / Up where they stay all day in the sun. / Wanderin’ free, wish I could be part of that world. / What would I give if I could live out of these waters? / What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand? / Betcha on land they understand / Bet they don't reprimand their daughters. / Bright young women, sick of swimmin’. / Ready to stand? / ''[reads a book]'' And ready to know what the people know / Ask them my questions and get some answers. / ''[looking for the portrait]'' What's a fire and why does it, what's the word? / Burn? / When's it my turn? / Wouldn't I love / love to explore that shore up above? ''[Swims to the top of the grotto and sticks her hand out; she then sadly sinks back down to the floor]'' / Out of the sea / Wish I could be, part of that world… :''[Sebastian has been struggling around and now comes crashing down making a lot of noise.]'' :'''Ariel''': Sebastian!? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? What, are you… How could you… what is all this? :'''Ariel''': It, err, it's just my... collection. :'''Sebastian''': Oh. I see. Your collection. Hmm. '''''IF YOUR FATHER KNEW ABOUT THIS PLACE, HE'D—''''' :'''Flounder''': You're not gonna tell him, are you? :'''Ariel''': Oh, please, Sebastian, he would never understand. :'''Sebastian''': Ariel. You are under a lot of pressure down here. Come with me, I'll take you home and get you something warm to drink. ''[A ship passes by overhead]'' :'''Ariel''': Now, what do you suppose…? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Ariel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel swims out of the grotto and up towards a ship. Above the surface, fireworks explode in the sky around ship. Ariel gasps and looks on, amazed. Sebastian and Flounder surface beside her.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, what - what are you- ''[gasping]'' Jumpin' jellyfish! ''[Ariel leaps to the ship.]'' Ariel, Ariel! Please come back! :''[Ariel climbs up the ship and watches a party on board eye-level at the deck. Three sailors play music as the others dance a jig. Max, a shaggy sheepdog barks and scampers around the dancers.]'' :Prince Eric: ''[whistles]'' Max, here, boy. ''[Max runs to Eric. Ariel touches her cheek where Max licked her.]'' Hey, come on, mutt, whatcha doin', huh Max? Good boy, good boy. :''[Max jumps on Eric and barks. Ariel sees him and is lovestruck. Scuttle flaps down towards her, speaking loudly.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Hey, there, sweetie! Quite a show, eh? :'''Ariel''': Scuttle, be quiet! They'll hear you. :'''Scuttle''': Oooh, I gotcha, I gotcha. We're bein' intrepidatious. '''''WE'RE OUT TO DISCOVER!''''' :'''Ariel''': ''[grabs his beak and looking around and sees Prince Eric]'' I've never seen a human this close before. Oh- He's very handsome, isn't he? :'''Scuttle''': ''[looking at Max]'' I dunno; he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me. :'''Ariel''': ''[laughs]'' Not that one! The one playing the snarfblatt! :'''Grimsby''': ''[holding his arms out]'' Silence! Silence! It is now my honor and privilege to present our esteemed Prince Eric with a very special, very expensive, very ''large'' birthday present. :''[Grimsby gestures towards a large object covered in cloth and tied with a red ribbon.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': ''[knocking Grimsby on the back]'' Ah, Grimsby - ya old beanpole, you shouldn't have. :''[Sailors cheer and whistle.]'' :'''Grimsby''': I know. Happy birthday, Eric! :''[A large, gaudy statue of Eric, holding a sword and stepping atop a giant royal crest is revealed. Max growls.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Gee, Grim. It's, uh, it's, uh - it's really somethin'. :'''Grimsby''': Yes, I commissioned it myself. Of course, I had hoped it would be a wedding present, but... :'''Prince Eric''': ''[grabbing the telescope from Grimsby]'' Aw, come on, Grim, don't start. Look, you're not still sore because I didn't fall for the princess of Glowerhaven, are you? :''[Eric looks out of the telescope for a second before tossing it back to Grimsby, who catches it clumsily.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, it isn't me alone. The entire kingdom wants to see you happily settled down with the right girl. :''[Eric sits on the railing of the ship looking out towards the sea.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Well, she's out there somewhere. I just - I just haven't found her yet. :'''Grimsby''': Well, perhaps you haven't been looking hard enough. :'''Prince Eric''': Believe me, Grim, when I find her, I'll know - without a doubt. It'll just - bam! - hit me - like lightning. :''[Grimsby and Eric look up to the sky as thick clouds of lightning and thunder appear and the sky grows dark turned green for a hurricane like '''[[w:Gulliver's Tales (1939 film)|Gulliver's Tales]]'''.]'' :'''Sailor''': '''''HURRICANE A'COMIN'! STAND FAST! SECURE THE RIGGIN'!''''' :''[Thunder rumbling, Eric and the sailors run to different parts of the deck as rain starts to fall and giant waves swell up, rocking the ship. The crew pulls hard on ropes tied to a sail.'' :''[In the ocean, a wave crashes over Flounder and Sebastian. On board, Scuttle holds onto a rope.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Whoa! The wind's all of a sudden on the move here! :''[A gust of wind blows Scuttle away.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Yo! '''''Ariel!''''' :''[On board, the captain tries to hold onto the ship's wheel, but it spins out of his hands. The ship crashes through storm and a wave passes over the deck. Eric runs to the wheel and grabs it.]'' :''[On the side of the ship, Ariel loses her grip on the ropes and falls into the water. Swimming underneath, she swims up the stern and sees a flash of lightning hit a sail. A fire breaks out smells like barbecue, and the ship looms towards jutting rocks. Ariel gasps.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': ''[pointing ahead]'' '''''Look out!''''' :''[The ship rams into the rocks and all are thrown overboard, except Max. Eric's statue sinks down below the waves beside Grimsby coughing, who flaps his arms about.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Grim, hang on! ''[Eric pulls him into a lifeboat, then sees Max still on the ship. The dog barks as flames flash in front of him.]'' Max! ''[Eric dives back into the water and climbs up the side of the burning ship smelling like barbecue. As he leaps onto the deck, one of the masts breaks and crashes down. Eric leaps out of the way. Flames spread.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! :''[Eric looks over deck. The flames reach a barrel of gunpowder, and the ship explodes. The sailors and Grimsby look on from their lifeboat, staring in horror. Ariel swims to the ship to find Eric. He floats on a board, unconscious and rolls off, sinking into the water. Ariel dives down to grab him and swims to the surface.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to the beach shore.]'' :''[On the beach, Eric lies on his back, unconscious, with Ariel leaning over him. Scuttle lands beside them.]'' :'''Ariel''': Is he - dead? :''[Scuttle opens Eric's eyelid.]'' :'''Scuttle''': It's hard to say. :''[Scuttle puts his head up against Eric's foot.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Oh, I - I can't make out a heartbeat. :'''Ariel''': No, look! He's breathing. ''[moving his hair from his face]'' He's so beautiful. :''[Sebastian and Flounder have washed up. They watch as Ariel caresses Eric's cheek and sings longingly. Sebastian drops his jaw in disbelief and Scuttle closes it.]'' :'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are? / What would I pay to stay here beside you? / What would I do to see you smiling at me? / Where would we walk, where would we run / If we could stay all day in the sun? / Just you and me, and I could be / Part of your world. :''[The sun parts through the gray clouds and Eric's eyes flutter open as he touches Ariel's hand, only seeing her waist up. He watches as the golden sunlight lights up behind her. Max barks and runs to lick Eric's face. Grimsby approaches and she dives into the water.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! Oh, Eric. You really delight in these sadistic strains on my blood pressure, don't you? :''[Grimsby helps Eric up and he shakes his head.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': A girl - rescued me... She was - singing... she had the most - beautiful voice. :'''Grimsby''': Ah, Eric, I think you've swallowed a bit too much seawater. Off we go. Come on, Max. :''[Max stands in the water, barking towards Ariel and her friends.]'' :'''Sebastian''': ''[to Flounder]'' We just gotta forget this whole ting ever happened. The sea king will never know. You won't tell him, ''I'' won't tell him. I will stay in one piece. :''[Ariel hoists herself upon a rock to watch Eric leave. Behind her, Flotsam and Jetsam rise from the water.]'' :'''Ariel''': I don't know when, I don't know how / But I know something's starting right now / Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be / Part of your world :''[Cuts to Ursula's lair.]'' :''[Ursula watches Ariel through a magical bubble.]'' :'''Ursula''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it - it's too easy. The child is in love with a human. And not just any human - a prince! ''[sarcastically]'' Her daddy'll ''love that.'' King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl ''would'' make a charming addition to my little garden. :''[Attached to the floor, hundreds of sad shriveled merfolk squirm and shake. Ursula laughs evilly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Atlantica Palace.]'' :''[Cuts to Mersisters' dressing room.]'' :'''Andrina''': Ariel, dear, time to come out. You've been in there all morning. :''[Ariel emerges from behind a curtain, humming "Part of Your World" to herself.]'' :'''Attina''': What is with her lately? :''[Ariel picks a red flower and swims away. She bumps into her father.]'' :'''Ariel''': Morning, Father. :''[Ariel puts the flower in his hair and swims off, spinning in circles. He chuckles.]'' :'''Attina''': Oh, she's got it bad. :'''King Triton''': What? What has she got? :'''Andrina''': Isn't it obvious, Father? Ariel's in love. :'''King Triton''': Ariel? ''In love?'' :''[King Triton picks the flower from his hair and looks at it.]'' :''[Cuts to the undersea rocks. Sebastian paces on a rock.]'' :'''Sebastian''': O.K. So far, so good. I don't think the king knows. :''[Orange flower petals fall around Sebastian. One lands on his face, and he blows it off.]'' :'''Sebastian''': But it will not be easy keeping something like this a secret for long. :''[The camera rises up to reveal Ariel picking orange flowers.]'' :'''Ariel''': He loves me... hmm, he loves me not... He loves me! I knew it! :''[Ariel hugs the last flower petal. Sebastian joins her on the rock.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, stop talking crazy. :'''Ariel''': I gotta see him again - tonight! Scuttle knows where he lives. :''[Ariel begins to swim away. Sebastian grabs onto her fins.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Please. Will you get your head out of the clouds and back in the water where it belongs? :'''Ariel''': I'll swim up to his castle. Then Flounder will splash around to get his attention, and then with... - :''[Sebastian gets in front of her face.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Down ''here'' is your home! Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there. :''[Sebastian and various other sea creatures sing to Ariel to convince her living in the ocean is the best life.]'' :'''Sebastian''': The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things surround you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floatin' / Under the sea :'''Sebastian and Blue Crab''': Down here all the fish is happy / As off through the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy :'''Sebastian''': They sad 'cause they in their bowl ''{a fish is seen in a bubble}'' / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry :'''Deep Voice Fish''': ''[bubble around him pops]'' Guess who's gon' be on the plate? :'''Sebastian''': Oh, no, under the sea / Under the sea / Nobody beat us / Fry us and eat us / In fricassee ''[fish swim around Ariel]'' / We what the land folks loves to cook / Under the sea we off the hook / We got no troubles / Life is the bubbles / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Since life is sweet here / We got the beat here / Naturally ''(naturally)'' / Even the sturgeon and the ray / They get the urge 'n' start to play / We got the spirit / You got to hear it / Under the sea / The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul / ''(Yeah)'' / The ray he can play / The lings on the strings / The trout rockin' out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh that blowfish blow :''[Flounder swims past the bunch but is pulled back by a fish who shimmies with him. He pulls free and finds Ariel, whispering in her ear. She smiles and swims away, following him.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yeah, under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / When the sardine / Begin the beguine / It's music to me ''(it's music to me)'' / What do they got? A lot of sand / We got a hot crustacean band / Each little clam here / Know how to jam here / Under the sea / Each little slug here / Cuttin' a rug here / Under the sea / Each little snail here / Know how to wail here / That's why it's hotter / Under the water / Ya we in luck here / Down in the muck here / Under the sea! :''[Sebastian does not notice and continues his song and dance with the sea creatures. Everyone points to Ariel's empty place as the grand finale and turns away disappointed.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Oh... somebody's got to nail that girl's fins to the floor. :'''Herald''': Sebastian! Sebastian, I've been looking all over for you. I've got an urgent message from The Sea King. :'''Sebastian''': The Sea King? :'''Herald''': ''[tugging at Sebastian]'' He wants to see you right away. Uh, something about Ariel. :''[Sebastian gasps.]'' :'''Sebastian''': He knows! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the palace, King Triton is sitting on his throne, as he looking at flower]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[laughs]'' Let's see, now... Oh, who could the lucky merman be? ''[notices Sebastian]'' ''[clears throat]'' Um... Come in, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': ''[as he walks to King Triton]'' I mustn't overreact. I must remain calm. ''[Five octaves higher than normal]'' Yes. ''[Ahem...]'' Yes, Your Majesty. :'''King Triton''': Sebastian, I'm concerned about Ariel. Have you noticed she's been acting peculiar lately? :'''Sebastian''': ''[pretending to act confused]'' Oh! Uh, peculiar? :'''King Triton''': You know, mooning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. You haven't noticed, hmm? :'''Sebastian''': Oh- well, I- :'''King Triton''': Sebastian? :'''Sebastian''': ''[looks up]'' Hmm? :'''King Triton''': I know you've been keeping something from me. :'''Sebastian''': ''[nervously]'' Keeping... someting? :'''King Triton''': About Ariel? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? :'''King Triton''': ''[point his trident at his chin]'' In love? :'''Sebastian''': ''[protested]'' '''''I TRIED TO STOP HER, SIRE! SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN! I TOLD HER TO STAY AWAY FROM HUMANS! THEY ARE BAD! THEY ARE TROUBLE! THEY—!''''' :'''King Triton''': ''[as he shocked at what Sebastian said]'' Humans? ''[and also losing control of his rage with his magic trident at full power and yelling at Sebastian]'' '''''WHAT ABOUT HUMANS?!''''' :'''Sebastian''': Humans? Ho ho ho ho… Who said anything about humans? :''[King Triton angrily grabs Sebastian]'' :''[Triton grabs Sebastian and pulls him away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Ariel's Grotto. Ariel and Flounder enter the grotto.]'' :'''Ariel''': Flounder, why can't you just tell me what this is all about? :'''Flounder''': You'll see. It's a surprise. :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the statue of Eric in the middle of the cave]'' Oh, Flounder- Flounder you're the best! It looks just like him. It even has his eyes. ''[speaking to the statue]'' Why, Eric, run away with you? This is all so... so sudden... ''[Ariel laughs and twirls around. She gasps as she sees Triton glaring in the entryway.]'' Daddy? :''[Flounder hides behind a chest.]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily confronts Ariel in her grotto]'' I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules and I expect those rules to be obeyed. :'''Ariel''': But Dad, I...! :'''King Triton''': Is it true you rescued a human from drowning?! :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I had to... :'''King Triton''': Contact between the human world and the merworld is strictly forbidden! Ariel, you know that! Everyone knows that! :'''Ariel''': He would've died! :'''King Triton''': One less human to worry about. :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' You don't even know him! :'''King Triton''': ''Know him? I don't have to know him!'' They're all the same: Spineless, savage, harpooning fish-eaters, incapable of any feeling... :'''Ariel''': '''''DADDY, I LOVE HIM!''''' :''[Ariel gasps in shock, as she has accidentally slipped the truth. Sebastian cringes in horror.]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[as he shocked at what Ariel said]'' No. ''[and also losing control of his outrage and glaring with his daughter]'' Have you lost your senses completely?! He's a HUMAN, you're a MERMAID! You'll never be beaten together! :'''Ariel''': I don't care! :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' So help me, Ariel, I will get through to you. And if this is the only way, '''''so be it.''''' :''[With his trident at full power, Triton furiously points it towards one of Ariel's treasures and angrily blasts it. The blast is so intense that it scares Ariel, including Sebastian]'' :'''Ariel''': '''''DADDY? NO, NO, PLEASE!''''' ''[But King Triton, in his rage, refuses to stop. He continues furiously pointing his trident at one artifact and then another, mindlessly destroying everything in his path]'' '''''DADDY, STOP! DADDY, STOP IT!''''' ''[She swims to her angry Father and tries stopping him, but it’s no use. The only treasure left in the grotto is the statue of Prince Eric. Seeing that he is now focused on that, Ariel turns to her angry Father]'' '''''DADDY, NO!''''' ''[But King Triton angrily ignores the pleas of his frightened daughter and angrily blasts the statue. Pieces of the statue fly around the grotto as the explosion subsides. The trident calms down as she looks in horror at where the statue was. Her grotto, full of many treasures just minutes ago, is now a barren cave with much wreckage. Overcome with sadness, she collapses onto the ground and starts sobbing. King Triton sternly looks at his daughter, but knowing that his time in the grotto is about over, he doesn't say a word and turns to leave. But as he does, he can't help but feel that he went too far in scolding Ariel for some reason. He glimpses at Ariel with remorse before leaving. Sebastian and Flounder are the only ones left in the grotto and are terrified at what just happened. Feeling terrible for Ariel, Sebastian approaches the crying girl and tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, I... :'''Ariel''': ''[softly]'' Just go away. :''[Sebastian, remorseful in agreement for leading King Triton into the grotto, which resulted in the destruction of Ariel's treasures, leaves somberly with Flounder. Ariel was now on her own, sobbing over losing her treasures, all that she collected for years, and the Prince Eric statue, the newest and most fascinating treasure of them all. She was now left with nothing.]'' :''[The camera pans out to show the destroyed grotto. Flotsam and Jetsam peer out over a shelf.]'' :'''Flotsam''': Poor child. :'''Jetsam''': Poor, sweet child. :'''Flotsam''': She has a very serious problem. :'''Jetsam''': If only there were something we could do. :'''Flotsam''': But there ''is'' something. :'''Ariel''': ''[stops crying for smelling hickory grotto]'' Who... who are you? :'''Jetsam''': Don't be scared. :'''Flotsam''': We represent someone who can help you. :'''Jetsam''': Someone who could make all your dreams come true. :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Just imagine... :'''Jetsam''': You and your prince... :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Together... forever... ''[they form a heart]'' :'''Ariel''': I don't understand. :'''Jetsam''': Ursula... has great powers. :'''Ariel''': ''[gasps and places a hand to her heart.]'' The Sea Witch? ''[shaking her head]'' Why, that's... I couldn't possibly... no! Get out of here. Leave me alone! :'''Flotsam''': Suit yourself. :'''Jetsam''': It was only a suggestion. :''[Jetsam flicks the statue's broken face towards Ariel. She picks it up.]'' :'''Ariel''': ''[looking at the face]'' Wait. :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Yes? :'''Flounder''': ''[sniffling]'' Poor Ariel. :'''Sebastian''': I didn't mean to tell, it was an accident. :''[Ariel passes by with Flotsam and Jetsam. Alarmed, Sebastian swims up.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel - where are you going? Ariel, what are you doing here with this riff-raff? :'''Ariel''': ''[determinedly]'' I'm going to see Ursula. :''[Sebastian gasps and grabs onto Ariel's fins.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, no! No, she's a demon, she's a monster! :'''Ariel''': ''[looking back at Sebastian]'' Why don't you go tell my father? You're good at that. :''[Ariel shakes Sebastian off.]'' :'''Sebastian''': But... But I... ''[to Flounder]'' Come on. :''[Sebastian and Flounder follow them.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Ursula's Lair]'' :''[Ariel and the eels swim towards Ursula's lair, which is shaped like a sea monster. An eerie purple light glows from inside then purple/pink smoke poofs. As they swim towards the mouth, Ariel stops.]'' :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': This way. :''[They enter through the mouth and pass by the garden of souls. Ariel looks at them disgustedly. One grabs her arm, but Ariel pulls free. Ursula's voice is heard from her conch shell rest.]'' :'''Ursula''': Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn't lurk in doorways - it's rude. ''[Ursula comes down and sits at the vanity]'' One ''might'' question your upbringing... Now, then. You're here because you have a thing for this human. This, er, prince fellow. Not that I blame you - he is quite a catch, isn't he? Well, angel fish, the solution to your problem is simple. [''Ursula puts on bright red lipstick and puckers her lips.]'' The only way to get what you want - is to become a human yourself. :'''Ariel''': Can you do that? :'''Ursula''': My dear, sweet child. That's what I do - it's what I live for. To help unfortunate merfolk - like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. :''[Ursula opens up a glowing cauldron with pink vapor and sings about helping "poor unfortunate souls." Sebastian and Flounder enter the lair.]'' :'''Ursula''': I admit that in the past I've been a nasty / They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch / But you'll find that nowadays / I've mended all my ways / Repented, seen the light and made a switch / True? Yes! / And I fortunately know a little magic / It's a talent that I always have possessed / And here lately, please don't laugh / I use it on behalf / Of the miserable, lonely and depressed ''[spoken]'' ''[to Flotsam and Jetsam]'' Pathetic. ''[singing]'' Poor unfortunate souls / In pain / In need / This one longing to be thinner / That one wants to get the girl / And do I help them? / Yes, indeed / Those poor unfortunate souls / So sad, so true / They come flocking to my cauldron / Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!" / And I help them / Yes, I do / Now it's happened once or twice / Someone couldn't pay the price / And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals / Yes, I've had the odd complaint / But on the whole I've been a saint / To those poor unfortunate souls. ''[grabbing Ariel]'' Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? ''[motioning with her fingers]'' Three days. Now listen, this is important. Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get Dear Ol' Princey to fall in love with you. That is, he's got to '''''kiss you'''''. Not just ''any kiss'' - a special kiss - the kiss of true love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain human, permanently, but - if he doesn't, you turn back into a mermaid, and - you belong to me. :'''Sebastian''': No, Ariel! don't be stupid. :''[Before Sebastian could say anything more, Flotsam and Jetsam wrap around him and Flounder to shut them up.]'' :'''Ursula''': ''[grabbing Ariel's face]'' Have we got a deal? :'''Ariel''': If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again. :'''Ursula''': That's right... But, you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices, innit? Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know? :'''Ariel''': But I don't have anything. :''[Ursula uses a tentacle to shut up Ariel.]'' :'''Ursula''': I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is... your voice. :'''Ariel''': ''[touching her throat]'' My voice? :'''Ursula''': You've got it, Sweet Cakes. No more talking, singing, zip. :'''Ariel''': But without my voice, how can I - :'''Ursula''': You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha! ''[Ursula shakes her hips and resumes singing.]'' ''[Ursula mixes her potion and pulls out a golden contract and quill in the shape of a fish's skeleton. Flounder and Sebastian gape as Ariel signs the contract.]'' The men up there don't like a lot of blabber / They think a girl who gossips is a bore / Yes, on land it's much preferred / For ladies not to say a word / And, after all, dear, what is idle prattle for? / Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation / True gentlemen avoid it when they can / But they dote and swoon and fawn / On a lady who's withdrawn / It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man / Come on, you poor unfortunate soul / Go ahead! / Make your choice! / I'm a very busy woman / And I haven't got all day / It won't cost much / Just your voice! / You poor unfortunate soul / It's sad / But true / If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet / You've got to pay the toll / Take a gulp and take a breath / And go ahead and sign the scroll! / Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys / The boss is on a roll / This poor unfortunate soul! / Beluga! Sevruga! Come, winds of the Caspian Sea! / Amnesia, glossitis et max laryngitis, la voce to me! ''[Ursula begins casting her spell to take Ariel's voice. A giant, ghastly pair of creepy green hands appear beside Ursula, who is cast in green light.]'' Now... sing! ''[Ariel vocalizes besides the green smoke.]'' Keep singing! ''[A glowing green current whips around Ariel as her voice glows within her. The hands rip out Ariel's voice and it floats into Ursula's shell necklace, who laughs evilly.]'' :''[A poof of pink/purple smoke rises from the cauldron and a bubble forms around Ariel. A whipping gold current rushes around her and her tail splits into two legs. She hurriedly tries to swim and is rushed to the surface by Flounder and Sebastian.]'' :''[Ariel springs into the air to get a breath of air. She puts her arms around Sebastian and Flounder, and they swim her to the shore.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to the shore.]'' :''[Eric leans his back on his seaside castle and plays the flute. Max is beside him.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': That voice. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked everywhere, Max - where could she be? :''[n a cove further along the shoreline, Ariel lays on a rock. Sebastian and Flounder pant, exhausted. Ariel pushes her hair out of her face and sits up. She sees her legs and is amazed. She lifts her foot in the air and wiggles her toes.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Well, look at what the catfish dragged in! ''[Scuttle lands on her leg.]'' Look at ya! Look at ya! There's somethin' different. Don't tell me - I got it. It's your hairdo, right? ''[Ariel shakes her head.]'' You've been usin' the dinglehopper, right? No? No huh, well let me see. New... seashells? No new seashells. ''[Ariel shakes the leg Scuttle is perched on to give him a clue.]'' I gotta admit, I can't put my foot on it right now, but if I just stand here long enough, I know that I'll - :'''Sebastian''': ''[shouting]'' '''She's got ''legs,'' you idiot!''' She traded her voice to the Sea Witch and got ''legs.'' Jeez, man... :'''Scuttle''': I knew that. :'''Flounder''': Ariel's been turned into a human. She's gotta make the prince fall in love with her, and he's gotta ki- he's gotta kiss her. :''[Ariel's legs wobble as she tries to stand up.]'' :'''Sebastian''': And she's only got three days. ''[Ariel falls over, splashing her friends.]'' Just look at her. On legs. On human legs! My nerves are shot. This is a catastrophe! What would her father say! I'll tell you what her father'd say! ''[grabbing Flounder's face]'' He'd say he's gonna kill himself a crab, that's what her father'd say! ''[marching away]'' I'm gonna march meself straight home right now and tell him just like I shoulda done de minute- ''[Ariel picks up Sebastian and holds him in his hands. He wags his claw at her as she shakes her head.]'' And don't you shake your head at me, young lady! Maybe there's still time. If we could get that witch to give you back your voice, you could go home with all the normal fish, and just be... just be... just be miserable for the rest of your life. All right, all right, we'll help you find dat prince. ''[Ariel smiles and kisses Sebastian's head. She sets him down.]'' Boy. What a soft-shell I'm turning out to be. :''[Scuttle lands beside wreckage.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Now, Ariel, I'm tellin' ya, if you wanna be a human the first thing you gotta do is dress like one. Now lemme see. ''[He picks up a sail.]'' :''[Eric walks along the shore with Max. He sniffs and raises his brow. He barks and hops around excitedly. He runs down the beach.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Max? Huh... what, Max! :''[Eric follows Max. Scuttle whistles.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Ya look great, kid. Ya look - sensational. :''[Ariel wears the sail tied with ropes. She's alarmed by Max's barking. Flounder splashes back into the sea and Sebastian skitters away hopping behind a rock. Ariel climbs onto the rock and Max licks her face.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Max... Max - Quiet Max ''[Max tugs at Eric's leg.]'' What's gotten into you fella? ''[seeing Ariel]'' Oh... Oh, I see. Are you O.K., miss? I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you. He's harmless, really - ''[Eric gazes at her face and points at her.]'' You... seem very familiar... to me. Have we met? ''[Ariel nods.]'' We ''have'' met? ''[Max comes between them and barks.]'' I knew it! ''[grabbing Ariel's hands]'' You're the one - the one I've been looking for! What's your name? ''[Ariel tries to answer, but no sound comes out of her mouth. She touches her throat, disappointed.]'' What's wrong? What is it? ''[Ariel taps her throat.]'' You can't speak? ''[Ariel shakes her head.'' Oh, oh. Then you couldn't be who I thought. ''[Ariel and Max let out frustrated sighs. Ariel waves her arms in an attempt to pantomime].'' What is it? You're hurt? No, No... You need help. ''[Ariel falls into his arms. Eric holds her, helping her stand.]'' Whoa, whoa, careful - careful - easy. Gee, you must have really been through something. Don't worry, I'll help you. Come on... Come on, you'll be okay. :''[Eric leads her away. Scuttle gives a thumbs up and Flounder grins.]'' :''[In a magnificent 1820s bathroom, Ariel sits in a water tub of bubbles.]'' :'''Carlotta''': Washed up from a shipwreck. Oh, the poor thing. We'll have you feeling better in no time. ''[Carlotta splashes a bucket of water on top of her head. Sebastian peeks out from where he's been hiding in Ariel's makeshift dress. Carlotta picks it up, grimacing.]'' I'll just - I'll just get this washed for you. :''[Sebastian sits in a tub of soapy water as women surround it and wash.]'' :'''Woman 1''': Well, you must have at least heard about this girl. :'''Woman 2''': Well, Gertrude says... :''[The woman rungs the dress down a washboard and Sebastian is pulled along with it.]'' :'''Woman 2''': ...since when has Gertrude got anything right. ''[Sebastian burps with bubbles]'' I mean really, this girl shows up in rags and doesn't speak-''[Sebastian is pulled through a wringer with a shirt.]'' Not my idea of a princess. If Eric's looking for a girl, I know a couple of highly available ones right here... :''[Sebastian crawls into the pocket of shirt that is hung to dry. As the shirt slides past a window, he falls in headfirst. His eyes bug out as he sees dead fish on a chopping block, a boiling pot of sea creatures, and a platter of stuffed crabs. He faints.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grimsby sits at the head of the table as Eric gazes out the windows, which stretch from floor to ceiling, at the ocean.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, be reasonable. Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some - :'''Prince Eric''': I'm tellin' you, Grim, she was real! I'm gonna find that girl - and I'm gonna marry her. :'''Carlotta''': Ha Ha. Come on honey. Don't be shy. :''[Carlotta and Ariel come through the entrance. Ariel wears a long sleeve pink gown with pink high heels.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, isn't she a vision? :'''Prince Eric''': Uh, you look - wonderful. :'''Grimsby''': ''[taking Ariel]'' Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. ''[Grimsby and Eric settle Ariel into a chair.]'' There we go - ah - quite comfy? Uh. It's - It's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh Eric? ''[Ariel sees a fork on the table and picks it up, combing her hair. Eric holds a goblet and raises an eyebrow. Grimsby looks perplexed. She puts it down, embarrassed]'' Uh, do you like it? It is rather a fine one... :''[She blows into it, covering Grimsby's face in ashes by Ariel. Eric laughs.]'' :'''Carlotta''': Oh, my! :'''Prince Eric''': Ahem, so sorry, Grim. :'''Carlotta''': Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. :''[Ariel smiles at this. Grimsby wipes his face.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, very amusing. Carlotta, my dear, what's for dinner? :'''Carlotta''': Ooo, you're gonna love it. Chef's been fixing his specialty, stuffed crab. :''[Sebastian watches Chef Louis take out a bowl of dead fish. He sings to himself as he cooks.]'' :'''Chef Louis''': Nouvelle Cuisine / Les Champs-Elysées / Maurice Chevalier / Les poissons, les poissons / How I love les poissons / Love to chop and to serve little fish / First I cut off their heads / Zen I pull out their bones / Ah mais oui, ça c'est toujours délice / Les poissons, les poissons / Hee hee hee, haw haw haw / With the cleaver I hack zem in two / I pull out what's inside ''[pulls out the guts from the fish and throws it in a pot]'' / And I serve it up fried / 'Cause I love little fishes, don't you? / Here's something for tempting ze palate ''[Sebastian quivers and hides as Louis brutalizes the sea creatures.]'' ''[A fish's head lands in front a mortified Sebastian. He hides under a leaf of lettuce to escape]'' / Prepared in the classic technique / ''[But as Louis clangs down on the table with a cleaver, Sebastian is jolted into the air.]'' First you pound the fish flat with a mallet / Then you slash through the skin / Give the belly a slice / Then you rub some salt in / 'Cause that makes it taste nice. ''[Louis raises the leaf and sees Sebastian.]'' Zut alors, I have missed one! ''[Louis picks up Sebastian.]'' Sacre bleu! What is this? How on earth could I miss such a sweet little succulent crab? Quel dommage, what a loss! Here we go in the sauce. ''[He throws him in a sauce bowl with Polynesian sauce and throws flour on him.]'' Now some flour-I think just a dab. ''[Sebastian sneezes.]'' Now I stuff you with bread. ''[Louis stuffs Sebastian's shells with lettuce and bread.]'' It don't hurt, 'cause you're dead And you're certainly lucky you are. ''[he spits it out.]'' 'Cause it's gonna be hot in my big silver pot. Tootle-loo, mon poisson, au revoir! ''[He tosses Sebastian into the boiling pot, with one of the hot bubbles popping at him changing him back to red and tossing him out of the pot and on the counter. Chef Louis notices him. He picks him up with a fork.]'' What is this? :''[Sebastian pinches his nose and Sebastian flies away, landing on the handle of a saucepan. Louis tries to grab him again and his hand goes on the stove. Yowling, he reels back in pain. A pan lands on his foot and he hops about.]'' :''[He grabs knives from a knife block and throws them towards Sebastian, who scampers through a small hole in the cabinet. On the counter he drops a bowl with food onto Louis' head. He runs under the cabinet again as the chef lifts an enormous knife and chops it in half.]'' :''[Sebastian dashes across the floor as a knife lands in front of him. He runs between Louis' legs towards a cabinet with dishes. Louis jumps to the cabinet with a hammer.]'' :''[Crashing noises are heard.]'' :'''Carlotta''': I think I'd better go see what Louis is up to. :''[The kitchen is in total disarray as Louis digs around looking for Sebastian.]'' :'''Chef Louis''': Come out, you little pipsqueak, and '''''FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!''''' :'''Carlotta''': ''[losing control of her rage and yelling at Louis]'' '''''LOUIS!''''' :''[Louis bangs his head. Carlotta puts her hands on her hips.]'' :'''Carlotta''': '''''What are you doing?!''''' :'''Chef Louis''': Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, Madame. ''[Extinguishes the flame on his mustache]'' :''[Carlotta carries out the dinner plates in a huff.]'' :'''Grimsby''': You know, Eric, perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour? :''[Carlotta sets their plates down. Eric gazes at Ariel, head in hand.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': I'm sorry, Grim, what was that? :'''Grimsby''': You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. :''[Grimsby lifts his plate's cover to reveal Sebastian cowering in the salad. He motions "shh."]'' :'''Grimsby''': Get your mind off - :''[Ariel beckons him to hide in her plate.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': It's not a bad idea, if she's interested. :''[Sebastian runs to Ariel's plate, and she covers it.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Well - whaddaya say? Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow? :''[Ariel nods vigorously, leaning heavily on her plate's cover.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Wonderful, now let's eat, before this crab wanders off my plate. :''[He stabs his fork at an empty plate.]'' :''[Ariel leans on her balcony, wearing a long sleeve pink nightgown. She watches as Eric plays with Max on the lawn.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Come here, boy! Grrr... :''[Max licks Eric's face and Eric ruffles his fur. He sees Ariel and waves. She waves shyly and backs into her room.]'' :''[Ariel brushes her hair with a fork and Sebastian sits on a table.]'' :'''Sebastian''': This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life. ''[Sebastian picks a lettuce leaf off his head. Ariel passes him and pats his head]'' I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady. ''[Ariel sinks into her bed.]'' Now - we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you. Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best. You gotta bat your eyes - like this. You gotta pucker up your lips - like this. ''[Sebastian demonstrates to Ariel. He sees Ariel has fallen asleep. Smiling, he blows out a candle on the nightstand and hops onto the pillow beside her.]'' Hmm. You are hopeless child. You know dat? Completely hopeless... :''[The seahorse swims hurriedly to the throne room, where King Triton swims back and forth with his hands behind his back.]'' :'''King Triton''': Any sign of them? :'''Herald''': No, Your Majesty. We've searched everywhere. We've found no trace of your daughter - or Sebastian. :'''King Triton''': Well, keep looking. Leave no shell unturned, no coral unexplored. Let no one in this kingdom sleep until she's safe at home. :'''Herald''': Yes, sire. :''[The seahorse bows and leaves. Triton sits in his throne.]'' :'''King Triton''': Oh, what have I done? What have I done? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Carlotta and Grimsby wave goodbye to Eric and Ariel as they ride away in a horse-drawn buggy. They take a road leading to town and Ariel points excitedly. Ariel leans over the side of the buggy to watch the ground and the horse's feet clopping.]'' :''[As they pass over a canal, Flounder leaps through the water. Sebastian peers out over the buggy.]'' :'''Flounder''': Has he kissed her yet? :'''Sebastian''': Not yet. :'''Flounder''': ''[disappointedly]'' Ohh. :''[In the bustling town square, Ariel watches a man push a cart of clucking chickens. Two puppets perform on a small stage. Ariel pulls one off, revealing the puppeteer's hand. She pulls Eric's hand to the dance area. He twirls her and lifts her into the air.]'' :''[Scuttle flies overhead as Flounder swims in the canal.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Yo, Flounder! Any kissing? :'''Flounder''': No, not yet. :'''Scuttle''': Hmm. Well, they - they better get crackin'. :''[In the buggy, Eric and Ariel ride out of town. Ariel wears a hat and holds bread, a bouquet of flowers, and a pair of boots. Eric offers Ariel the reins. She eagerly snaps them and the buggy races forward. Eric gasps, seeing a wide gulley ahead. Ariel speeds and they soar across to the other side. Eric peeks up from the floor of the buggy. As they rise off into the countryside, Eric relaxes, folding his hands behind his head.]'' :''[Eric rows himself and Ariel out on the lagoon.]'' :'''Flounder''': Move over - move your big feathers. I can't see a thing. :'''Scuttle''': Nothing, is happening... Only one day left, and that boy ain't puckered up once. O.K. All right, this calls for a little vocal romantic stimulation. Stand back. :''[Scuttle lands on a branch and sings horribly.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Wow. Somebody should find that poor animal and put it out of its misery. :''[Ariel grimaces and puts her head in her hands as Scuttle signals "A OK." Sebastian covers his ears.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Jeez, man, I'm surrounded by amateurs! ''[He dives down into the water and picks a reed.]'' You want something done, you've got to do it yourself. First, we got to create the '''''mood.''''' ''[Ducks appear and turtles turn over on their backs.]'' Percussion... ''[The ducks tap the turtle's bellies as if they were drums.]'' Strings...''[Sebastian conducts crickets, who rub their legs together]'' Winds... ''[The wind blows through the reeds.]'' Words. ''[singing]'' There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dyin' to try / You wanna kiss the girl :'''Prince Eric''': ''[turning to look back]'' Did you hear something? :''[Ariel shrugs.]'' :''[Sebastian and the lagoon creatures continue singing, disappointed that Eric hasn't kissed Ariel.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yes, you want her / Look at her, you know you do / Possible she wants you too / There is one way to ask her / It don't take a word / Not a single word / Go on and kiss the girl / Sing with me now / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / My oh my / Look like the boy too shy / Ain't gonna kiss the girl / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Ain't that sad? / Ain't it a shame? / Too bad, he gonna miss the girl :'''Prince Eric''': You know, I feel really bad not knowing your name. Heh - maybe I could guess. Is it, uh, Mildred? ''[Ariel sticks out her tongue in disgust.]'' O.K., no. How 'bout - Diana? ''[Ariel shakes her head.]'' Rachel? :'''Sebastian''': ''[whispering]'' Ariel. Her name is Ariel. :''[Eric looks back, confused.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel? ''[Ariel nods enthusiastically.]'' Ariel? ''[Ariel takes his hand]'' Well, that's kinda pretty. O.K. - Ariel... :''[Sebastian and the lagoon creatures continue serenading them as they float along. Two pelicans pull back the leaves of a willow tree as Eric and Ariel pass through.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Now's your moment ''(ya, ya, ya)'' / Floating in a blue lagoon ''(ya, ya, ya)'' / Boy, you better do it soon / No time will be better ''(ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya)'' / She don't say a word / And she won't say a word / Until you kiss the girl ''[Fish circle under the boat, turning it slowly.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Don't be scared ''(sha-la, sha-la-la ya, ya, ya)'' / You got the mood prepared ''(woah, woah)'' / Go on and kiss the girl ''[Fireflies surround the boat.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Don't stop now ''(sha-la, sha-la-la ya, ya, ya)'' / Don't try to hide it how / You wanna kiss the girl ''(whoa, whoa)'' / ''[As Scuttle begins to sing, flamingos shut him up.]'' Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Float along ''(sha-la, sha-la-la)'' / And listen to the song / The song say kiss the girl ''(whoa, whoa)'' ''[Fish, including Flounder, surround the boat and spurt water from their lips, creating a fountain effect. The animals whisper to kiss Ariel.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / The music play ''(ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya)'' / Do what the music say / You got to kiss the girl ''[Eric leans in and gazes into her eyes. Ariel closes her eyes and puckers her lips in anticipation.]''/ You've got to kiss the girl / Oh, don't you wanna kiss the girl / You've gotta kiss the girl / Go on and kiss the girl :''[Eric closes his eyes as well and their lips nearly touch before they are knocked out of the rowboat, which flips thanks to Flotsam and Jetsam, then Eric and Ariel fall into the water.]'' :''[Sebastian hits his head and Scuttle looks mortified.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Whoa, hang on - I've gotcha. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lagoon creatures skitter away as Flotsam and Jetsam rise and slap their tails in the style of a high-five and snicker.]'' :''[Ursula watches Ariel and Eric through a bubble.]'' :'''Ursula''': Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Oh, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure. ''[Ursula swims to her shelf of ingredients and smashes them aside, picking up some ingredients.'' Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles! ''[Ursula smashes ingredients into the cauldron, sending puffs of smoke in the water.]'' Triton's daughter will be mine! And then I'll make him writhe. I'll see him wriggle like a worm on a hook! ''[Laughing, she clutches her nautilus shell around her neck. A golden light emanates from behind her transitioning into the moon. Ursula transforms into a human and her voice becomes Ariel's.]'' :''[The moon shines bright. On a terrace, Eric plays the melody of "Part of Your World (Reprise)" on his flute. He gazes out to sea, contemplating as Grimsby approaches.]'' :'''Grimsby''': ''[putting an arm around Eric]'' Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl, is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring, and right before your eyes. :''[Eric glances up at a window where Ariel stands in her nightgown, combing her hair with a fork. Eric smiles towards her. He looks sadly at his flute. Gazing firmly at it, he stakes a step back and throws it out into the water. He looks towards Ariel's window and begins to stride towards it, but stops.]'' :''[He hears Ariel's voice vocalizing "Ahhh." He leans over the edge of the terrace to see a woman walking along the shore, Ursula in disguise. Eric strains to see her clearly. The shell necklace hangs around her neck, glowing brightly. An eerie golden mist winds through the air towards Eric. It fills his eyes, enchanting him.]'' :''[Scuttle swoops over the castle, flying to Ariel's window.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Ariel! Ariel, wake up! Wake up! I just heard the news. Congratulations, kiddo, we did it! :''[Scuttle shakes Ariel's hand as she sits up, still half-asleep. Sebastian yawns and tries to go back to sleep.]'' :'''Sebastian''': What is this idiot babbling about?! :'''Scuttle''': Right - as if you two didn't know, uh? The whole town's buzzin' about the Prince gettin' himself hitched this afternoon! You know, he's gettin' married! :''[Scuttle picks up Sebastian and rubs his head.]'' :'''Scuttle''': You silly sidewalker! ''[to Ariel]'' I just wanted to wish you luck. I'll catch you later, I wouldn't miss it! :''[Scuttle flies out the window. Ariel's eyes grow wide. Leaping out of bed, she scoops up Sebastian, twirls him around and gives him a kiss on the head. She fluffs her hair and rushes out the room and down the stairs. Sebastian gets out of bed and follows her]'' :'''Grimsby''': Well, uh - err, Eric. I-it appears that I was mistaken. ''[Ariel stops, flabbergasted. She hides behind a beam and listens on.]'' This mystery maiden of yours does - in fact exist. And - and she is lovely. ''[holding Vanessa's hand]'' Congratulations, my dear. :'''Prince Eric''': We wish to be married as soon as possible. :'''Grimsby''': Oh, yes - of course, Eric, but, er - but these things do take time, you know... :'''Prince Eric''': This afternoon, Grimsby. The wedding ship departs at sunset. :'''Grimsby''': Oh, oh - very well, Eric - as you wish. :''[Ariel is distraught and runs off crying. Vanessa touches her necklace and laughs as Eric stands stiffly, under a trance.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wedding boat departs from the dock. Ariel stands at the docks watching. She sinks to the ground, burying her head and cries. Sebastian looks up at her and sadly bows his head. A tear rolls down her cheek and falls in the water. Nearby, Flounder cries too. Over the ship, Scuttle swoops down over the sky.]'' :'''Vanessa''': What a lovely little bride I'll make / My dear, I'll look divine ''[Scuttle peeks through a porthole to see "Vanessa" singing to herself.]''/ Things are working out according / To my ultimate design ''[She throws a hairpin at the Angel figure in her mirror. He gulps, realizing the bride is not Ariel.]'' / Soon I'll have that little mermaid / And the ocean will be mine ''[Vanessa steps onto her vanity, crushing a bottle. She twirls around and pulls the mirror towards her. Scuttle sees her reflection is that of Ursula.]'' :'''Scuttle''': The Sea Witch! Oh no... She's gotta- I gotta... ''[In a rush to leave, he bumps his head on the porthole. He flies back to Ariel.]'' Ariel! Ariel! Ariel, I was flying, I wa - of course I was flying - An' - I s- I saw that the watch - the witch was watchin' a mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set o' pipes! ''[Scuttle picks up Sebastian and clanks him against the ground repeatedly.]'' '''''Do you hear what I'm tellin' you?!''''' The Prince is marrying the Sea Witch in disguise! :''[Ariel drops her jaw.]'' :'''Sebastian''': ''[rubbing his head]'' Are you sure about this? :'''Scuttle''': Have I ever been wrong? I mean when it's important! :'''Flounder''': What are we gonna do!? :''[Ariel looks to the setting sun and hears Ursula's voice in her head.]'' :'''Ursula''': Before the sun sets on the third day... :''[Ariel leaps into the water and splashes around helplessly. Sebastian cuts free some barrels for Ariel to hang onto.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, grab on to dat. Flounder, get her to that boat as fast as your fins can carry you! :'''Flounder''': I'll try. :''[Flounder loops himself onto the rope and pulls Ariel along to the boat.]'' :'''Sebastian''': I've gotta get to the sea king. He must know about this. :'''Scuttle''': What - What about me? What about me? :'''Sebastian''': You - find a way to '''''stall dat wedding!''''' :'''Scuttle''': Stall the wedding. Wh- what am I - what - that's it! ''[Scuttle squawks and takes off for the lagoon, alerting the other birds. Bluebirds and flamingos follow him. Starfish, lobsters, dolphins, and sea lions look up. The animals follow Scuttle.]'' Move it! Let's go! We've got an emergency here! :''[Cut to: Deck of Eric's boat]'' :''[Vanessa and Eric walk down the aisle. Max snarls at her as she passes by, and she kicks him. A short bishop stands at the end of the aisle.]'' :'''Bishop''': Dearly beloved... :''[Cut to: Ocean]'' :''[Flounder pulls Ariel.]'' :'''Flounder''': Don't worry Ariel. Ugh - we - we're gonna make it. We're almost there. :''[Cut to: Deck of Eric's boat]'' :'''Bishop''': Yes, um, do you Eric, take Vanessa, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for as long as you both shall live? :''[Vanessa looks out to the sun, noticing it's almost set.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': I do. :''[Scuttle squawks.]'' :'''Bishop''': Eh, and do you... ''[A squadron of bluebirds swoop down from the sky, led by Scuttle, aimed directly towards Vanessa. She ducks. They circle around and fly under her white dress. Max barks. Guests are alarmed as sea lions get on deck. Pelicans fly overhead and dump beaks full of water on Vanessa. A lobster pinches her nose and starfish smother her and screams.]'' ''[Oblivious to the commotion]'' then by the power invest- :'''Vanessa''': Get away from me you slimy little- ''[A sea lion tosses her in the air on his nose. Ariel arrives and climbs up the ship. The sea lions toss Vanessa into the wedding cake. She pops out, furious, and three dolphins squirt water in her face. Scuttle squawks in her face.]'' Oh, why you little- ''[Vanessa wrings Scuttle's neck. Max breaks free from his leash. Max bites Vanessa in the rear and Scuttle pulls at Vanessa's necklace, which goes flying through the air. The shell of Ursula's necklace was broken into pieces, and Ariel's voice was heard singing and inserted back into Ariel.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Eric. :''[Max barks happily at her.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': You - you can talk. You're the one. :''[Eric runs to her and grasps her hands.]'' :'''Vanessa''': ''[now in Ursula's own voice]'' Eric, get away from her! :''[Ursula covers her mouth.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': It - it was you all the time. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric, I - I wanted to tell you. :'''Vanessa''': Eric, no! :''[The sun sets as they are about to kiss, and her legs turn back into a tail.]'' :'''Vanessa''': ''[as Ariel turns back into a mermaid]'' You are too late! ''[cackles wickedly]'' '''''<big><big><big><big>YOU ARE TOO LATE!!!!</big></big></big></big>''''' :''[Vanessa rips out of her dress and turns back into Ursula. The crowd gasps in shock.]'' :'''Ursula''': So long, Lover Boy. :''[She slithers across the deck, grabs Ariel, and dives over the edge of the ship.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ursula''': Poor little princess, don't be frightened, it's not you I'm after. I've a much bigger fish to - :'''King Triton''': Ursula, stop! :''[Triton points his glowing trident at Ursula.]'' :'''Ursula''': Why, King Triton! Ha ha ha - How are you? :'''King Triton''': Let her go. :'''Ursula''': Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now. We made a deal. ''[as she shows Triton the glowing scroll as Flotsam and Jetsam restrain Ariel]'' :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I'm sorry! I - I - I didn't mean to. I didn't know - :''[Triton zaps a beam at Ursula and the contract, which remain unharmed.]'' :'''Ursula''': You '''''see?''''' The contract's legal, binding and completely unbreakable - even for you. Of course, I always was a girl with an eye for a bargain. The daughter of the great sea king is a very precious commodity. ''[The contract is released by Ursula and its golden light swirls around Ariel]'' But - I might be willing to make an exchange for someone even better... ''[as she touches her tentacle to Triton's crown]'' :''[Cut to: Eric's boat]'' :''[Eric rows a small boat out to sea.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! What are you doing? :'''Prince Eric''': Grim, I lost her once. I'm not gonna lose her again. :''[Cut to: Under the water]'' :''[Ariel becomes increasingly small and shriveled to resemble the souls in Ursula's garden. She holds out the contract.]'' :'''Ursula''': Now! Do we have a deal? ''[Triton looks away and signs over Ariel's signature using his trident.]'' Ha! It's done then! ''[The magical golden current holding Ariel releases her and takes over Triton, turning him into one of Ursula's souls.]'' :'''Ariel''': No... Oh, no! :''[Ursula cackles.]'' :''[Cut to: above water]'' :''[Eric stands in his rowboat, harpoon in hand.]'' :''[Cut to: under water]'' :''[Only Triton's crown and trident remain.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Oh, Your Majesty... :'''Ariel''': Daddy? :'''Ursula''': At last. ''[as she picks up the crown and puts it on.]'' :'''Ariel''': No. :'''Ursula''': It's mine. ''[as she holds the trident and cackles to herself. Ariel angrily springs at her.]'' :'''Ariel''': You... ''[angrily swimming and attacks Ursula]'' '''''<big>YOU MONSTER!!!</big>''''' :''[Ursula :'''Ursula''': ''[throws Ariel down and points the trident at her]'' Don't fool with me ya little brat! Contract or no- Ahh! :''[Eric's harpoon grazes Ursula's arm. He watches under water.]'' :'''Ursula''': Why, you little troll! :'''Ariel''': Eric! Eric, look out! :'''Ursula''': ''[to Flotsam and Jetsam]'' After him! :''[Flotsam and Jetsam chase Eric as he swims back to the surface. He reaches his boat, but they pull him back under water.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Come on! :'''Flotsam''': Ow! :''[Sebastian and Flounder attack. Sebastian pinches one eel's tail while Flounder flaps his fins in the other's face.]'' :'''Ursula''': Say goodbye to your sweetheart. ''[Ursula aims the trident at Eric, but Ariel yanks her hair, causing the beam of lightning to hit Flotsam and Jetsam, who burn to crisp, smelling like burning ash.]'' Babies! My poor, little poopsies. :''[Ursula holds their remains and her eyes go wild. Seeing Ariel escaping, Ursula begins to grow, huff, and release a black cloud of ink. Flounder and Sebastian cower.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to: above water]'' :'''Ariel''': Eric, you've get to get away from here. :'''Prince Eric''': No, I won't leave you. :''[A spike on Triton's crown comes between Eric and Ariel as a gigantic Ursula rises from the water, laughing manically.'' ''Eric and Ariel jump into the water and clutch each other, looking up to see Ursula towering over them.]'' :'''Ursula''': You pitiful, insignificant, fool! :'''Prince Eric''': ''[pointing]'' Look out! :''[One of Ursula's tentacles crashes down into the water.]'' :'''Ursula''': Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim! :''[Ursula raises the trident and swirls it, creating a storm with lightning. A wave sweeps Eric away.]'' :'''Ariel''': Eric! :'''Ursula''': The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! ''[She swirls the trident in the water, creating a whirlpool. The spinning funnel reaches the ocean floor, churning up sunken ships. Ariel dodges the wreckage. One of the ships veers towards Eric and he tries to swim away, but he is shoved under water.'' ''Gliding along the bottom of the ship, he grabs onto a rope and hoists himself up the side and onto the deck.'' ''She was cackling]'' So much for true love! ''[As Ursula is about to bring her trident down on Ariel, Eric steers the ship into her. She is impaled by the sharp bow. Ursula screams in pain. Her eyes flash and her body is filled with lightning as the ship goes down on top of her. Her tentacles writhe as the ship sinks into the sea.]'' :''Cut to: under water'' :''[The trident sinks down along with debris.]'' :''[Cut to: Ursula's Lair]'' :''[The shriveled souls of the Atlanticans trapped in Ursula's lair are set free and swim out of the lair. The trident falls back to Triton, who transforms back into himself.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to: shore]'' :''[Eric lies on the beach and Ariel gazes from a distance seated on a rock. Triton and Sebastian look on.]'' :'''King Triton''': She really does love him, doesn't she, Sebastian? :''[Sebastian nods.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty. Children got to be free to lead their own lives. :'''King Triton''': You - always say that? ''[sighs]'' Then, I guess there's just one problem left. :'''Sebastian''': And what's dat, Your Majesty? :'''King Triton''': How much I'm going to miss her. :''[Sebastian looks up at Triton. The King's trident glows and he touches it to the water. It forms a glowing golden path to Ariel. She looks down, surprised as her tail glows and smiles at her father.]'' :''[Eric wakes up and sees Ariel rising from the water, wearing a shimmering purple gown. She walks towards him, arms open wide, on legs.'' ''Eric runs to her and twirls her around. Their lips meet in a kiss, which fades into their wedding day. Max jumps up between them and licks them.'' ''Guests on the ship cheer. Carlotta cries and uses Grimsby's handkerchief as a napkin. In the ocean, merpeople gather around the ship and wave. Triton and Ariel's mersisters smile and wave. Scuttle brings Flounder up to the side of the ship. Scuttle flaps away and winks. Ariel kisses him and pats Scuttle's head.'' ''On the wedding cake, Sebastian sits between two cake toppers of Ariel and Eric. He hugs them, smiling tearfully. Suddenly, he sees Louis raising a knife over him. He jumps off and the chef cuts the cake in half. He scampers down the walkway as Louis throws a knife at him and chases him around the deck. Sebastian snips a rope with his claw and a wooden beam swings into Louis' face. His teeth fall out and he collapses. Sebastian jumps into the water between Scuttle and Flounder.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yes, ''[bowing]'' Thank you, thank you. :''[On the ship, Ariel looks over the railing at her father. A fountain of water raises him up and they hug.]'' :'''Ariel''': I love you, Daddy. :''[Behind them, Eric bows to King Triton. Triton nods. Touching Ariel's cheek, Triton returns to the water. Ariel blows him a kiss. Eric steps up and Ariel slips her arm through his.]'' :'''Chorus''': Now we can walk / Now we can run /Now we can stay all day in the sun / Just you and me / And I can be / Part of your world / Ah-ah-ah-ah / Ah-ah-ah / Ah-ah-ah, ah :''[In the water, Triton sweeps his trident in the air, forming a sparkling rainbow in the sky. The merpeople wave as the ship sails off and they dive below the water. Ariel and Eric kiss.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''["Under the Sea" and the Main Titles music plays as credits roll]'' :'''Sebastian''': The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things surround you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floatin' / Under the sea :'''Sebastian and Blue Crab''': Down here all the fish is happy / As off through the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy :'''Sebastian''': They sad 'cause they in their bowl ''(a fish is seen in a bubble)'' / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry :'''Deep Voice Fish''': Guess who's gon' be on the plate? :'''Sebastian''': Oh, no, under the sea / Under the sea / Nobody beat us / Fry us and eat us / In fricassee / We what the land folks loves to cook / Under the sea we off the hook / We got no troubles / Life is the bubbles / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Since life is sweet here / We got the beat here / Naturally ''(naturally)'' / Even the sturgeon and the ray / They get the urge 'n' start to play / We got the spirit / You got to hear it / Under the sea / The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul / ''(Yeah)'' / The ray he can play / The lings on the strings / The trout rockin' out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh that blowfish blow / Yeah, under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / When the sardine / Begin the beguine / It's music to me ''(it's music to me)'' / What do they got? A lot of sand / We got a hot crustacean band / Each little clam here / Know how to jam here / Under the sea / Each little slug here / Cuttin' a rug here / Under the sea / Each little snail here / Know how to wail here / That's why it's hotter / Under the water / Ya we in luck here / Down in the muck here / Under the sea! == Songs == === ''Fathoms Below'' === :'''Ship Chorus''': I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue, : And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho! : Look out lad a mermaid be waitin' for you in mysterious Fathoms Below! :'''Prince Eric''': Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face. Ah, perfect day to be at sea. :'''Grimsby''': Oh yes... delightful... :'''Sailor 1''': A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a friendly-type mood. :'''Prince Eric''': King Triton? :'''Sailor 2''': Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. :'''Ship Chorus''': I'll sing you a song of the king of the sea, : And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho! : The ruler of all of the oceans is he, in mysterious fathoms below! :'''Grimsby''': Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense. :'''Sailor 2''': But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' ya, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. :'''Ship Chorus''': Fathoms below, below : From whence wayward westerlies blow : Where Triton is king and his merpeople sing : In mysterious fathoms below === ''Daughters of Triton'' === :'''King Triton's Daughters''': Oh, we are the daughters of Triton : Great father who loves us and named us well : Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina and Ariel : In concert we hope to enlighten : The heart of the merfolk : With music's swell : Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina : And then there is the youngest in her musical debut : Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you : To sing a song Sebastian wrote : Her voice is like a bell : She's our sister, Ari-- :'''King Triton''': ARIEL!!! === ''Part of Your World'' === :'''Ariel''': Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? : Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? : Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, : The girl who has everything? : Look at this trove, treasures untold, : How many wonders can one cavern hold? : Lookin' around here you'd think, : 'Sure, she's got everything. : I've got gizmos and gadgets aplenty, : I've got whozits and whatzits galore : You want thingamabobs? : I've got plenty : But who cares? : No big deal : I want more === ''Part of Your World'' Reprise === :'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are? : What would I pay, to stay here beside you? : What would I do to see you smiling at me? : Where would we walk? : Where would we run? : If we could stay all day in the sun : Just you and me : And I could be : Part of your world : I don't know when : I don't know how : But I know something's starting right now : Watch and you'll see : Someday I'll be : Part of your world === ''Under the Sea'' === : '''Sebastian''': Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there! : ''[sings]'' The seaweed is always greener : In somebody else's lake, : You dream about going up there, : But that is a big mistake. : Just look at the world around you, : Right here on the ocean floor. : Such wonderful things around you. : What more is you lookin' for? : Under the Sea, under the sea. : Darlin', it's better, down where it's wetter. : Take it from me. : Up on the shore, they work all day. : Out in the sun they slave away, : While we devoting full time to floating : Under the sea. : Down here all the fish is happy, : As off through the waves they roll : The fish on the land ain't happy, : They sad 'cause they in their bowl : The fish in the bowl is lucky, : They in for a worser fate : One day when the boss gets hungry, : Guess who's gonna be on the plate? === ''Poor Unfortunate Souls'' === : '''Ursula''': The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself. : '''Ariel''': Can you do that? : '''Ursula''': My dear sweet child, that's what I do. It's what I live for, to help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. : ''[sings]'' I admit that in the past I've been a nasty. : They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch. : But you'll find that nowadays, : I've mended all my ways, : Repented, seen the light and made a switch. : True? Yes! : And I fortunately know a little magic, : It's a talent that I always have possessed. : And here lately, please don't laugh, : I use it on behalf : Of the miserable, lonely, and depressed-- : Pathetic! : Poor unfortunate souls, : In pain, in need. : This one longing to be thinner, : That one wants to get the girl, : And do I help them? Yes, indeed! === ''Les Poissons'' === : '''Louis''': Les poissons, les poissons : How I love les poissons : Love to chop up and to serve little fish : First I cut off their heads : Then I pull out their bones : Ah, mais oui, ça c'est : Toujours délice. === ''Kiss the Girl'' === : '''Sebastian''': Percussion, strings, winds, words... : There you see her : Sitting there across the way : She don't got a lot to say : But there's something about her : And you don't know why : But you're dying to try : You wanna kiss the girl === ''Vanessa's Song'' === : '''Ariel's voice''': : What a lovely little bride I'll make, my dear, I'll look divine. : Things are working out according to my ultimate design. : Soon I'll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine!! == Cast (voices) == * [[Jodi Benson]] — Sea Princess Ariel * [[w:Christopher Daniel Barnes|Christopher Daniel Barnes]] — Prince Captain Eric * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — Sea King Triton * [[Pat Carroll (actress)|Pat Carroll]] — Sea Professor Ursula the Sea Witch/Princess Vanessa * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Maestro Horatio Thelonius Ignacius Crustaceus Sebastian Crab * [[w:Patricia Parris|Patricia Parris]] — Cleo * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle Seagull * Jason Marin — Vice Maestro Flounder * [[w:Ben Wright (English actor)|Ben Wright]] — Sir Grimsby * [[René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Madame Carlotta * [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] — Sea Princess Alana, Sea Princess Adella, Sea Princess Arista, Sea Princess Andrina * [[w:Caroline Vasicek|Caroline Vasicek]] — Sea Princess Attina, Sea Princess Aquata * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] — Flotsam and Jetsam Eel ==Taglines== * Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy. * Love has no boundaries. == About ''The Little Mermaid (1989 film)'' == * When we first proposed it, we knew that it was going to be really, really challenging. I mean, for a lot of reasons. But one of the big reasons is two-thirds of the movie takes place underwater. All that requires a lot of animation in this animated films. We have character animation. The artist who animate the characters. They’re kind of like actors. We always felt they are actors with a pencil. [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]] and [[w:Mark Henn|Mark Henn]] who did Ariel. That’s what they do. Then, we have effects animators. Effects animators do the non-character stuff that moves which is like water waves or bubbles. Or fire or smoke or light effects, if there’s anything that moves that isn’t the character. This probably had more character animation than any Disney movie project since “[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]].” This really had a lot of effects, even with the character stuff — like whenever Ariel is underwater, her hair has to move all the time. Hair moving underwater is tricky. We had a lot of meetings about hair. One of the extras in the video is some of the live action footage that we shot for reference to see the hair floating. :* [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html] * You see at the heart of it, “The Little Mermaid” is the father-daughter story. It’s an overprotective father. There’s a daughter who is kind of adventurous and rebellious and wanting to see a new world. How do they resolve that? That story is still in place today. :* [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html] == See also == * ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' * ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|The Little Mermaid (1989 film)}} * {{imdb title | id=0097757 | title=The Little Mermaid}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid, The}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:1989 animated films]] [[Category:1989 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about weddings]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Animated films set on oceans]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:Films about hypnosis]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:3D films]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:American fantasy comedy films]] [[Category:American romantic fantasy films]] o8u6wd5javdirgehohrbu2lnmuivh0t 3944651 3944637 2026-05-23T23:45:10Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944651 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Little Mermaid (1989 film)|Ariel the Little Mermaid]]''''', also known as simply '''''The Little Mermaid''''' or '''''Ariel''''', is a [[w:1989 in film|1989]] American animated film produced by [[w: Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It tells a fairytale story about a mermaid who makes a [[w:Deal with the Devil|Faustian bargain]] with a villainous sea witch in an attempt to become human and win a prince's love. The [[w:The Little Mermaid (TV series)|same title of the spin-off series]] was aired on [[w:CBS|CBS]] from September 11, 1992 to November 26, 1994, and the direct to video films were released in 2000 with ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' and 2008 with ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]''. The [[The Little Mermaid (2023 film)|live-action remake]] of the same title was released on May 26, 2023. : ''Written and directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]], based on the [[w:The Little Mermaid|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Hans Christian Andersen|Hans Christian Andersen]], and based on Atlantis mythology. Songs by [[w:Howard Ashman|Howard Ashman]] and [[w:Alan Menken|Alan Menken]].'' {{center|''' Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy. '''<small>[[#Tagline|Tagline]]</small>}} == Ariel == * Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? * If only I could make him understand. I just don't see things the way he does. I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things could be bad. * I've never seen a human this close before. Oh- He's very handsome, isn't he? * ''[furious]'' You... '''''<big>YOU MONSTER!!!</big>''''' * Eric, you've got to get away from here! * ''[softly]'' Just go away. == Prince Eric == * A girl rescued me. She was singing. She had the most beautiful voice. * I'm telling you, Grim, she was real. I'm gonna find that girl... and I'm gonna marry her. * Grim, I lost her once! I'm not gonna lose her again! * No, I won't leave you! == Sebastian == * Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. * ''[as Ariel sleeps]'' You are hopeless, child. You know that? Completely hopeless. * I tried to stop her, sire! She wouldn't listen! I told her to stay away from humans! They are bad! They are trouble! They—! * There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dyin' to try / You wanna kiss the girl. * Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty: Children got to be free to lead their own lives. == Flounder == * You know I can't swim that fast. * ''[screams in terror]'' '''''ARIEL!''''' == Scuttle == * Ariel, I was flying. I was- Of course I was flying. And I saw the watch- the ''witch'' was watchin' the mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set of pipes! ''[picks up Sebastian and slams him down on every word]'' '''''<big>DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M TELLIN' YOU?! THE PRINCE IS MARRYING THE SEA WITCH IN DISGUISE!</big>''''' == King Triton == * I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules, and I expect those rules to be obeyed! * ''[angrily; losing patience]'' So help me, Ariel, I am going to get through to you! And if this is the only way, so '''be''' it. == Ursula == * ''[watching Ariel quickly swim home from her lair; first lines]'' Yes, hurry home, Princess. We wouldn't want to miss old Daddy's celebration, now, would we? Ha! Celebration, indeed. Oh, bah! In my day, we had fantastical feasts when ''I'' lived in the palace. Now look at me, wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving, while he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. * Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it. It's too easy. The child is in love with a human. And not just any human. A prince! ''[Chuckles]'' Her daddy will love that. King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl would make a charming addition to my little garden. ''[Cackles]'' * Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn’t lurk in our doorways. It’s rude. * Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Ah, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure! Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles! Triton's daughter will be ''mine,'' and then I'll make him writhe. I'll see wriggle like a worm on a hook! * Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now! * You pitiful, insignificant fools! Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim. The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! * ''[last words before her demise]'' So much for true love! === Vanessa === * Eric! Get away from her! == Grimsby == * Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring and right before your eyes. == Chef Louis == * Come out, you little pipsqueak, and '''''FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!''''' ''['''Carlotta''': '''''LOUIS! What are you doing?!''''']'' Well, I was just... I'm sorry, madame. == Carlotta == * Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. == Princess Andrina == * Isn't it obvious, Father? Ariel's in love. ''['''King Triton''': Ariel? In love?]'' == Dialogue == :''[First lines; three seagulls fly through gray clouds then swoop down over the ocean. Below, a pod of smiling dolphins leap through the waves in arcing jumps and are swimming happily. The dolphins stop and a seagull flies beside them on the surface. Behind them, a sailing ship looms through the mist, crashing through the waves. The ship's huge wooden prowl heads straight towards the viewers and cruises past. On board, burly sailors haul in a net full of fish from the water.]'' :'''Sailors''': ''[Singing]'' I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho Look out, lad, a mermaid be waitin' for you In mysterious fathoms below. :''[A dark-haired young man named Prince Eric stands on deck.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face... ''[Eric's dog Max barks as the wind blows in their faces.]'' a perfect day to be at sea! :'''Grimsby''': ''[his face is green from obvious seasickness and he is leaning over the side of the ship to throw up]'' Oh yes... delightful... :'''Sailor 1''': A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a friendly-type mood. :'''Prince Eric''': King Triton? :'''Sailor 2''': Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. :'''Grimsby''': Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense. :'''Sailor 2''': ''[wildly waving a fish in Grimsby's face]'' But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' ya, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. :'''Sailors''': ''[singing]'' Heave. ho. Heave, ho. In mysterious fathoms below. :''[The fish in his hand wiggles away and lands back in the ocean, relieved. He stops for a breath then speeds down, leaving a trail of silvery bubbles behind him.]'' :''[Titles roll in shimmering letters "The Little Mermaid" as various fish swim and seaweed sways gently. The camera follows the escaped fish as it makes its way through the ocean pass some sea anemones, a school of tropical fish, and a group of jellyfishes. Neat the ocean floor a pod of whales swims as the fish swims near by a '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''' and '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]'''.]'' :''[In a landscape of coral and seaweed, merpeople swim. They speed over the ocean floor, gently slipping their flipper tails. Swimming through a tunnel, they reach a great palace with at the Kingdom of Atlantica. The merpeople and other sea creatures swim inside and take their seats filling the concert hall inside.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fish with trumpet-like noses play a fanfare. A tiny seahorse with a ruffled collar appears. He coughs before he speaks.]'' :'''Herald''': His Royal Highness, King Triton! :''[Triton enters dramatically, being pulled on a seashell chariot by a trio of dolphins to wild cheering. Sparks shoot from his trident and light a chandelier.]'' :'''Herald''': And presenting the distinguished court composer, Horatio Thelonious Ignatius Crustaceous Sebastian! :''[A fanfare of kazoos play. Sebastian, a tiny red crab, enters riding a small seashell chariot being pulled by two orange fish. He is met with mild applause. He pulls up beside King Triton.]'' :'''King Triton''': I'm really looking forward to this performance, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': Oh, Your Majesty, this will be the finest concert I have ever conducted. ''[Triton lets go bridles on the dolphins as the chariot on lands on the balcony]'' Your daughters - they will be spectacular! ''[The fish flip Sebastian upside down.]'' :'''King Triton''': Yes, and especially my little Ariel. :'''Sebastian''': Yes, yes, she has the most beautiful voice. Hmm? ... ''[under his breath]'' If only she'd show up for rehearsals once in a while... :''[A spotlight appears over Sebastian, and he rides his chariot out over the stage and takes his place at the podium. He takes out a book of music. He taps his baton and directs the orchestra of fish.]'' :''[The sisters swim out of giant clam shells as they sing.]'' :'''Ariel's sisters''': ''[singing]'' Oh, we are the daughters of Triton / Great Father who loves us and named us well: Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Attina, Adella, Alana And then there is the youngest in her musical debut / Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you / To sing a song Sebastian wrote, her voice is like a bell / She's our sister Ari– ''[ A shell rises as the sisters surround it. But when it opens, it is empty! all gasp]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily shouting, roaring]'' '''''<big>ARIEL!!!</big>''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to a sunken shipwreck.]'' :''[Triton's daughter Ariel appears on the mass of a sunken ship looking at something until she hears a voice.]'' :'''Flounder''': ''[from a distance]'' Ariel, wait for me... :'''Ariel''': ''[waving him over]'' Flounder, hurry up! :'''Flounder''': ''[catching up is a small yellow and blue fish named Flounder]'' You know I can't swim that fast. :'''Ariel''': ''[pointing to a sunken ship]'' There it is. Isn't it fantastic? :'''Flounder''': Yeah... sure... it - it's great. Now let's get outta here. :''[Flounder begins to swim away, and Ariel yanks his fins towards her.]'' :'''Ariel''': You're not getting cold fins now, are you? :''[Ariel swims towards the ship. Flounder follows after her.]'' :'''Flounder''': Who, me? No way. It's just, it, err... it looks - damp in there. Yeah. And I think I may be coming down with something. Yeah, I got this cough. :''[Flounder coughs unconvincingly.]'' :'''Ariel''': All right. I'm going inside. You can just stay here and - watch for sharks. :''[Ariel swims inside through a porthole.]'' :'''Flounder''': O.K. Yeah - you go. I'll stay and - ''[suddenly realizing what's she's said]'' what? Sharks! Ariel? :''[He tries to squeeze through the porthole but gets stuck.]'' :'''Flounder''': Ariel... I can't... I mean- Ariel help! :'''Ariel''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Flounder. :'''Flounder''': ''[whispering]'' Ariel, do you really think there might be sharks around here? :''[Ariel comes back to help him.]'' :'''Ariel''': Flounder, don't be such a guppy. :''[A huge Great White shark passes behind them as Flounder squeezes in.]'' :'''Flounder''': I'm not a guppy. ''[Flounder finally squeezes through and explores the ship with Ariel]'' This is great - I mean, I really love this. Excitement, adventure, danger lurking around every corner... :''[Flounder sees a skull and screams. He crashes into a pillar, causing wooden beams to fall down.]'' :'''Flounder''': '''''ARIEL!''''' :''[He swims frantically away, knocking over Ariel.]'' :'''Ariel''': Oh, are you okay? :''[Flounder shakes intensely.]'' :'''Flounder''': Yeah sure, no problem, I'm okay... :'''Ariel''': Shhh... :''[Ariel swims to an upper level of the ship. Resting atop a heap is a silver fork.]'' :'''Ariel''': Oh, my gosh! Oh my gosh! ''[picking up a fork]'' Have you ever seen anything so wonderful in your entire life? :'''Flounder''': Wow, cool! But, err, what is it? :'''Ariel''': I don't know. But I bet Scuttle will. :''[Ariel puts the fork in her bag. The shark swims by outside.]'' :'''Flounder''': What was that? Did you hear something? :'''Ariel''': ''[distracted by a pipe]'' Hmm, I wonder what this one is? :'''Flounder''': Ariel... :'''Ariel''': Flounder, will you relax. Nothing is going to happen. :''[The shark appears in front of the porthole, behind Flounder, jaws wide open. He chomps down on the glass.]'' :'''Flounder''': '''''SHARK! SHARK! WE'RE GONNA DIE!''''' :''[The shark bangs his head on the ceiling of the ship. He chases Ariel and Flounder, and they swim for an upper deck. Flounder screams as the shark breaks through the floor, chomping towards them. Ariel's bag gets caught on a plank and she goes back for it.]'' :''[Flounder swims towards a porthole and gets stuck again.]'' :'''Flounder''': Oh, no! :''[Ariel pushes him through and wriggles out behind him. Flounder screams as the shark bursts through the wall and chases them around the ships' mast.]'' :''Flounder bumps into a crossbeam. The shark lunges towards Flounder but misses as Flounder sinks towards the bottom with a dazed look. Ariel spots him and swims down to get him, dropping her bag.]'' :''[The shark races towards them, but his head gets stuck in the ring of an anchor. Ariel picks up her bag, which has landed near her]'' :'''Flounder''': You big bully. :''[Flounder blows a raspberry. The shark snaps at him and Flounder swims with Ariel towards the surface.]'' :'''Ariel''': ''[laughing]'' Flounder, you really are a guppy. :'''Flounder''': I am not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts to the surface.]'' :''[On a tiny island, a seagull named Scuttle hums a song and looks through his telescope.]'' :'''Scuttle''': ''[singing]'' 1492, dah-de-dum dee-do-do, rum-dim-dim, dee-do-dee-do :''[Scuttle sticks his telescope on his head]'' :'''Ariel''': Scuttle! :'''Scuttle''': ''[looking through the telescope the wrong way, making Ariel appear farther away, shouting]'' Whoa! Mermaid off the port bow! Ariel, how you doin' kid? :''[Scuttle lowers the telescope to reveal Ariel at wing's length]'' :'''Scuttle''': Whoa, what a swim! :'''Ariel''': Scuttle - look what we found. :''[Ariel pulls up her bag and hands it to Scuttle.]'' :'''Flounder''': Yeah - we were in this sunken ship - it was really creepy. :'''Scuttle''': Human stuff, huh? Hey, lemme see. :''[Scuttle drops an anchor. It catches on his foot and knocks him off his perch. Rummaging through Ariel's bag after stepping over Flounder, he takes out the fork.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Oh! Oh! Look at this. Wow - this is special - this is very, very unusual. :'''Ariel''': What? What is it? :'''Scuttle''': It's a dinglehopper! Humans use these little babies... '[[Scuttle flicks the fork, but catches it]'' to straighten their hair out. :''[Scuttle twirls the fork around his feathers on top of his head.]'' :'''Scuttle''': See - just a little twirl here an' a yank there and - violee! :''[Scuttles feathers go up in a poof.]'' :'''Scuttle''': You got an aesthetically pleasing configuration of hair that humans go nuts over. :''[Scuttle hands the fork back to Ariel.]'' :'''Ariel''': A dinglehopper! :'''Flounder''': ''[in reference to the pipe]'' What about that one? :''[Scuttle shows Ariel and Flounder a tobacco pipe]'' :'''Scuttle''': This, I haven't seen this in years. This is wonderful! A banded, bulbous snarfblatt. :'''Ariel and Flounder''': Oh! :'''Scuttle''': Now, the snarfblatt dates back to pre-hysterical times when humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day. [comes face to face with Ariel] Got very boring. So they invented this snarfblatt to make fine music. Please allow me. ''[blows into it, only to have seaweed and water come out]'' Oops. :'''Ariel''': ''[realizing what Scuttle said]'' Music! :'''Scuttle''': ''[coughs]'' It's stuffed! :'''Ariel''': Oh, the concert! Oh, my gosh, my Father's gonna kill me! :'''Flounder''': The concert was ''today?'' :'''Scuttle''': ''[inspects the "snarfblatt" further]'' Maybe you could make a little planter out of it or somethin'. :'''Ariel''': ''[takes it back]'' Uh, I'm sorry! I've gotta go! Thank you, Scuttle! :''[she and Flounder swim back home]'' :'''Scuttle''': Anytime, sweetie! Anytime. :'''Ursula''': ''[watching Ariel from her lair via Flotsam and Jetsam]'' Yes. Hurry home, Princess. We wouldn't want to miss old Daddy's celebration, huh? Would we? ''[scoffs]'' Celebration, indeed. Oh, bah! In my day, we had fantastical feasts, when ''I'' lived in the palace. ''[closeup of her eating a shrimp]'' Now, look at me. Wasted away to practically nothing. Banished and exiled and practically starving! While he and his flimsy fish folk celebrate. Well, I'll give 'em something to celebrate soon enough. ''[to her eels]'' Flotsam! Jetsam! I want you to keep an extra close watch on this pretty little daughter of his. She may be the key to Triton's undoing. ''[fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Triton is admonishing Ariel in the throne room]'' :'''King Triton''': I just don't know what we're going to do with you, Little Lady. :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I'm sorry, I just forgot, I... :'''King Triton''': As a result of your careless behavior... :'''Sebastian''': Careless and reckless behavior. :'''King Triton''': The entire celebration was, er... :'''Sebastian''': Well, it was ruined! That is all, completely destroyed! This concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career. Now thanks to you, I am the laughingstock of the entire kingdom! :'''Flounder''': ''[angrily; swimming up to King Triton]'' But it wasn't her fault! I mean. Well, first, this shark chased us. Yeah, yeah! And we tried to… But we couldn't. And then, "grr!" And… and we, whoa! Ah, and then we were safe. But then this seagull came, and it was "this is this, and that is that, and…" :'''King Triton''': "Seagull"? What? Oh. You went up to the surface again, didn't you? ''Didn't you?!'' :'''Ariel''': Nothing... happened. :'''King Triton''': ''[exasperatedly]'' Ariel, how many times must we go through this? You could've been seen by one of those barbarians, by... by one of those... ''Humans!'' :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' Daddy, they're not barbarians! :'''King Triton''': They are ''dangerous.'' Do you think I want to see my youngest daughter snared by some fish-eater's hook? :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' I'm 16 years old! I'm not a child anymore! :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily; frustrated]'' Don't you take that tone of voice with me, Young Lady. As long as you live under my ocean, you'll obey '''''MY''''' rules. :'''Ariel''': But if you would just listen— :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily]'' '''''NOT ANOTHER WORD!''''' '''And I am never, ''NEVER'' to hear of you going to the surface again.''' '''''IS THAT CLEAR?!''''' :''[Ariel disappointedly swims away]'' :'''Sebastian''': Hmph. Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you. :'''King Triton''': Do you think I-I was too hard on her? :'''Sebastian''': Definitely not. Why, if Ariel was my daughter, I'd show her who was boss. So none of this flitting to the surface and other such nonsense. No, sir - I'd keep her under tight control. :'''King Triton''': ''[smiles]'' You're absolutely right, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': Of course. :'''King Triton''': Ariel needs constant supervision. :'''Sebastian''': ''Constant.'' :'''King Triton''': Someone to watch over her, to keep her out of trouble. :'''Sebastian''': All the time. :'''King Triton''': ''[pokes Sebastian]'' And ''you'' are just the crab to do it. :'''Sebastian''': But, I... :''[Cut to Sebastian walking down corridor.]'' :'''Sebastian''': How do I get myself into these situations? I'm supposed to be writing symphonies, not tagging along after some headstrong teenager. ''[Sees Ariel and Flounder sneaking off and follows.]'' Hmm? What is that girl up to? ''[He barely makes it into the grotto and sees Ariel's collection.]'' Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Flounder''': Ariel, are you okay? :'''Ariel''': If only I could make him understand ''[Sebastian covers his mouth in disbelief.]'' I just don't see things the way he does. I don't see how a world that makes such wonderful things - could be bad. ''[Ariel swims around referencing various items in her collection. Sebastian frowns and stays out of sight. Ariel dances with Flounder and sings about her dream of being part of the human world. As Ariel's hair floats around her, she gazes up at a hole at the top of her grotto.]'' ''[Singing]'' Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? / Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? / Wouldn't you think I'm the girl? / The girl who has everything? / Look at this trove / Treasures untold / How many wonders can one cavern hold?/ Lookin’ around here you'd think / Sure, she's got everything. / I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty / I've got whozits and whatzits galore. ''[Sebastian looks through a pair of glasses; Ariel opens a box of wine cork removers]'' You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty! / But who cares? / No big deal. / I want more / I wanna be where the people are. / I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancin’ / ''[plays with dancing music box]'' Walkin’ around on those, what do you call ‘em? / Oh, feet / Flippin’ your fins, you don't get too far. / Legs are required for jumpin’, dancin’ / Strollin’ along down a, what's that word again? Street / Up where they walk, up where they run / Up where they stay all day in the sun. / Wanderin’ free, wish I could be part of that world. / What would I give if I could live out of these waters? / What would I pay to spend a day warm on the sand? / Betcha on land they understand / Bet they don't reprimand their daughters. / Bright young women, sick of swimmin’. / Ready to stand? / ''[reads a book]'' And ready to know what the people know / Ask them my questions and get some answers. / ''[looking for the portrait]'' What's a fire and why does it, what's the word? / Burn? / When's it my turn? / Wouldn't I love / love to explore that shore up above? ''[Swims to the top of the grotto and sticks her hand out; she then sadly sinks back down to the floor]'' / Out of the sea / Wish I could be, part of that world… :''[Sebastian has been struggling around and now comes crashing down making a lot of noise.]'' :'''Ariel''': Sebastian!? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? What, are you… How could you… what is all this? :'''Ariel''': It, err, it's just my... collection. :'''Sebastian''': Oh. I see. Your collection. Hmm. '''''IF YOUR FATHER KNEW ABOUT THIS PLACE, HE'D—''''' :'''Flounder''': You're not gonna tell him, are you? :'''Ariel''': Oh, please, Sebastian, he would never understand. :'''Sebastian''': Ariel. You are under a lot of pressure down here. Come with me, I'll take you home and get you something warm to drink. ''[A ship passes by overhead]'' :'''Ariel''': Now, what do you suppose…? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Ariel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ariel swims out of the grotto and up towards a ship. Above the surface, fireworks explode in the sky around ship. Ariel gasps and looks on, amazed. Sebastian and Flounder surface beside her.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, what - what are you- ''[gasping]'' Jumpin' jellyfish! ''[Ariel leaps to the ship.]'' Ariel, Ariel! Please come back! :''[Ariel climbs up the ship and watches a party on board eye-level at the deck. Three sailors play music as the others dance a jig. Max, a shaggy sheepdog barks and scampers around the dancers.]'' :Prince Eric: ''[whistles]'' Max, here, boy. ''[Max runs to Eric. Ariel touches her cheek where Max licked her.]'' Hey, come on, mutt, whatcha doin', huh Max? Good boy, good boy. :''[Max jumps on Eric and barks. Ariel sees him and is lovestruck. Scuttle flaps down towards her, speaking loudly.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Hey, there, sweetie! Quite a show, eh? :'''Ariel''': Scuttle, be quiet! They'll hear you. :'''Scuttle''': Oooh, I gotcha, I gotcha. We're bein' intrepidatious. '''''WE'RE OUT TO DISCOVER!''''' :'''Ariel''': ''[grabs his beak and looking around and sees Prince Eric]'' I've never seen a human this close before. Oh- He's very handsome, isn't he? :'''Scuttle''': ''[looking at Max]'' I dunno; he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me. :'''Ariel''': ''[laughs]'' Not that one! The one playing the snarfblatt! :'''Grimsby''': ''[holding his arms out]'' Silence! Silence! It is now my honor and privilege to present our esteemed Prince Eric with a very special, very expensive, very ''large'' birthday present. :''[Grimsby gestures towards a large object covered in cloth and tied with a red ribbon.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': ''[knocking Grimsby on the back]'' Ah, Grimsby - ya old beanpole, you shouldn't have. :''[Sailors cheer and whistle.]'' :'''Grimsby''': I know. Happy birthday, Eric! :''[A large, gaudy statue of Eric, holding a sword and stepping atop a giant royal crest is revealed. Max growls.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Gee, Grim. It's, uh, it's, uh - it's really somethin'. :'''Grimsby''': Yes, I commissioned it myself. Of course, I had hoped it would be a wedding present, but... :'''Prince Eric''': ''[grabbing the telescope from Grimsby]'' Aw, come on, Grim, don't start. Look, you're not still sore because I didn't fall for the princess of Glowerhaven, are you? :''[Eric looks out of the telescope for a second before tossing it back to Grimsby, who catches it clumsily.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, it isn't me alone. The entire kingdom wants to see you happily settled down with the right girl. :''[Eric sits on the railing of the ship looking out towards the sea.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Well, she's out there somewhere. I just - I just haven't found her yet. :'''Grimsby''': Well, perhaps you haven't been looking hard enough. :'''Prince Eric''': Believe me, Grim, when I find her, I'll know - without a doubt. It'll just - bam! - hit me - like lightning. :''[Grimsby and Eric look up to the sky as thick clouds of lightning and thunder appear and the sky grows dark turned green for a hurricane like '''[[w:Gulliver's Tales (1939 film)|Gulliver's Tales]]'''.]'' :'''Sailor''': '''''HURRICANE A'COMIN'! STAND FAST! SECURE THE RIGGIN'!''''' :''[Thunder rumbling, Eric and the sailors run to different parts of the deck as rain starts to fall and giant waves swell up, rocking the ship. The crew pulls hard on ropes tied to a sail.'' :''[In the ocean, a wave crashes over Flounder and Sebastian. On board, Scuttle holds onto a rope.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Whoa! The wind's all of a sudden on the move here! :''[A gust of wind blows Scuttle away.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Yo! '''''Ariel!''''' :''[On board, the captain tries to hold onto the ship's wheel, but it spins out of his hands. The ship crashes through storm and a wave passes over the deck. Eric runs to the wheel and grabs it.]'' :''[On the side of the ship, Ariel loses her grip on the ropes and falls into the water. Swimming underneath, she swims up the stern and sees a flash of lightning hit a sail. A fire breaks out smells like barbecue, and the ship looms towards jutting rocks. Ariel gasps.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': ''[pointing ahead]'' '''''Look out!''''' :''[The ship rams into the rocks and all are thrown overboard, except Max. Eric's statue sinks down below the waves beside Grimsby coughing, who flaps his arms about.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Grim, hang on! ''[Eric pulls him into a lifeboat, then sees Max still on the ship. The dog barks as flames flash in front of him.]'' Max! ''[Eric dives back into the water and climbs up the side of the burning ship smelling like barbecue. As he leaps onto the deck, one of the masts breaks and crashes down. Eric leaps out of the way. Flames spread.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! :''[Eric looks over deck. The flames reach a barrel of gunpowder, and the ship explodes. The sailors and Grimsby look on from their lifeboat, staring in horror. Ariel swims to the ship to find Eric. He floats on a board, unconscious and rolls off, sinking into the water. Ariel dives down to grab him and swims to the surface.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to the beach shore.]'' :''[On the beach, Eric lies on his back, unconscious, with Ariel leaning over him. Scuttle lands beside them.]'' :'''Ariel''': Is he - dead? :''[Scuttle opens Eric's eyelid.]'' :'''Scuttle''': It's hard to say. :''[Scuttle puts his head up against Eric's foot.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Oh, I - I can't make out a heartbeat. :'''Ariel''': No, look! He's breathing. ''[moving his hair from his face]'' He's so beautiful. :''[Sebastian and Flounder have washed up. They watch as Ariel caresses Eric's cheek and sings longingly. Sebastian drops his jaw in disbelief and Scuttle closes it.]'' :'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are? / What would I pay to stay here beside you? / What would I do to see you smiling at me? / Where would we walk, where would we run / If we could stay all day in the sun? / Just you and me, and I could be / Part of your world. :''[The sun parts through the gray clouds and Eric's eyes flutter open as he touches Ariel's hand, only seeing her waist up. He watches as the golden sunlight lights up behind her. Max barks and runs to lick Eric's face. Grimsby approaches and she dives into the water.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! Oh, Eric. You really delight in these sadistic strains on my blood pressure, don't you? :''[Grimsby helps Eric up and he shakes his head.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': A girl - rescued me... She was - singing... she had the most - beautiful voice. :'''Grimsby''': Ah, Eric, I think you've swallowed a bit too much seawater. Off we go. Come on, Max. :''[Max stands in the water, barking towards Ariel and her friends.]'' :'''Sebastian''': ''[to Flounder]'' We just gotta forget this whole ting ever happened. The sea king will never know. You won't tell him, ''I'' won't tell him. I will stay in one piece. :''[Ariel hoists herself upon a rock to watch Eric leave. Behind her, Flotsam and Jetsam rise from the water.]'' :'''Ariel''': I don't know when, I don't know how / But I know something's starting right now / Watch and you'll see, someday I'll be / Part of your world :''[Cuts to Ursula's lair.]'' :''[Ursula watches Ariel through a magical bubble.]'' :'''Ursula''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it - it's too easy. The child is in love with a human. And not just any human - a prince! ''[sarcastically]'' Her daddy'll ''love that.'' King Triton's headstrong, lovesick girl ''would'' make a charming addition to my little garden. :''[Attached to the floor, hundreds of sad shriveled merfolk squirm and shake. Ursula laughs evilly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Atlantica Palace.]'' :''[Cuts to Mersisters' dressing room.]'' :'''Andrina''': Ariel, dear, time to come out. You've been in there all morning. :''[Ariel emerges from behind a curtain, humming "Part of Your World" to herself.]'' :'''Attina''': What is with her lately? :''[Ariel picks a red flower and swims away. She bumps into her father.]'' :'''Ariel''': Morning, Father. :''[Ariel puts the flower in his hair and swims off, spinning in circles. He chuckles.]'' :'''Attina''': Oh, she's got it bad. :'''King Triton''': What? What has she got? :'''Andrina''': Isn't it obvious, Father? Ariel's in love. :'''King Triton''': Ariel? ''In love?'' :''[King Triton picks the flower from his hair and looks at it.]'' :''[Cuts to the undersea rocks. Sebastian paces on a rock.]'' :'''Sebastian''': O.K. So far, so good. I don't think the king knows. :''[Orange flower petals fall around Sebastian. One lands on his face, and he blows it off.]'' :'''Sebastian''': But it will not be easy keeping something like this a secret for long. :''[The camera rises up to reveal Ariel picking orange flowers.]'' :'''Ariel''': He loves me... hmm, he loves me not... He loves me! I knew it! :''[Ariel hugs the last flower petal. Sebastian joins her on the rock.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, stop talking crazy. :'''Ariel''': I gotta see him again - tonight! Scuttle knows where he lives. :''[Ariel begins to swim away. Sebastian grabs onto her fins.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Please. Will you get your head out of the clouds and back in the water where it belongs? :'''Ariel''': I'll swim up to his castle. Then Flounder will splash around to get his attention, and then with... - :''[Sebastian gets in front of her face.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Down ''here'' is your home! Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there. :''[Sebastian and various other sea creatures sing to Ariel to convince her living in the ocean is the best life.]'' :'''Sebastian''': The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things surround you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floatin' / Under the sea :'''Sebastian and Blue Crab''': Down here all the fish is happy / As off through the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy :'''Sebastian''': They sad 'cause they in their bowl ''{a fish is seen in a bubble}'' / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry :'''Deep Voice Fish''': ''[bubble around him pops]'' Guess who's gon' be on the plate? :'''Sebastian''': Oh, no, under the sea / Under the sea / Nobody beat us / Fry us and eat us / In fricassee ''[fish swim around Ariel]'' / We what the land folks loves to cook / Under the sea we off the hook / We got no troubles / Life is the bubbles / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Since life is sweet here / We got the beat here / Naturally ''(naturally)'' / Even the sturgeon and the ray / They get the urge 'n' start to play / We got the spirit / You got to hear it / Under the sea / The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul / ''(Yeah)'' / The ray he can play / The lings on the strings / The trout rockin' out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh that blowfish blow :''[Flounder swims past the bunch but is pulled back by a fish who shimmies with him. He pulls free and finds Ariel, whispering in her ear. She smiles and swims away, following him.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yeah, under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / When the sardine / Begin the beguine / It's music to me ''(it's music to me)'' / What do they got? A lot of sand / We got a hot crustacean band / Each little clam here / Know how to jam here / Under the sea / Each little slug here / Cuttin' a rug here / Under the sea / Each little snail here / Know how to wail here / That's why it's hotter / Under the water / Ya we in luck here / Down in the muck here / Under the sea! :''[Sebastian does not notice and continues his song and dance with the sea creatures. Everyone points to Ariel's empty place as the grand finale and turns away disappointed.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? Oh... somebody's got to nail that girl's fins to the floor. :'''Herald''': Sebastian! Sebastian, I've been looking all over for you. I've got an urgent message from The Sea King. :'''Sebastian''': The Sea King? :'''Herald''': ''[tugging at Sebastian]'' He wants to see you right away. Uh, something about Ariel. :''[Sebastian gasps.]'' :'''Sebastian''': He knows! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the palace, King Triton is sitting on his throne, as he looking at flower]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[laughs]'' Let's see, now... Oh, who could the lucky merman be? ''[notices Sebastian]'' ''[clears throat]'' Um... Come in, Sebastian. :'''Sebastian''': ''[as he walks to King Triton]'' I mustn't overreact. I must remain calm. ''[Five octaves higher than normal]'' Yes. ''[Ahem...]'' Yes, Your Majesty. :'''King Triton''': Sebastian, I'm concerned about Ariel. Have you noticed she's been acting peculiar lately? :'''Sebastian''': ''[pretending to act confused]'' Oh! Uh, peculiar? :'''King Triton''': You know, mooning about, daydreaming, singing to herself. You haven't noticed, hmm? :'''Sebastian''': Oh- well, I- :'''King Triton''': Sebastian? :'''Sebastian''': ''[looks up]'' Hmm? :'''King Triton''': I know you've been keeping something from me. :'''Sebastian''': ''[nervously]'' Keeping... someting? :'''King Triton''': About Ariel? :'''Sebastian''': Ariel? :'''King Triton''': ''[point his trident at his chin]'' In love? :'''Sebastian''': ''[protested]'' '''''I TRIED TO STOP HER, SIRE! SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN! I TOLD HER TO STAY AWAY FROM HUMANS! THEY ARE BAD! THEY ARE TROUBLE! THEY—!''''' :'''King Triton''': ''[as he shocked at what Sebastian said]'' Humans? ''[and also losing control of his rage with his magic trident at full power and yelling at Sebastian]'' '''''WHAT ABOUT HUMANS?!''''' :'''Sebastian''': Humans? Ho ho ho ho… Who said anything about humans? :''[King Triton angrily grabs Sebastian]'' :''[Triton grabs Sebastian and pulls him away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Ariel's Grotto. Ariel and Flounder enter the grotto.]'' :'''Ariel''': Flounder, why can't you just tell me what this is all about? :'''Flounder''': You'll see. It's a surprise. :'''Ariel''': ''[sees the statue of Eric in the middle of the cave]'' Oh, Flounder- Flounder you're the best! It looks just like him. It even has his eyes. ''[speaking to the statue]'' Why, Eric, run away with you? This is all so... so sudden... ''[Ariel laughs and twirls around. She gasps as she sees Triton glaring in the entryway.]'' Daddy? :''[Flounder hides behind a chest.]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily confronts Ariel in her grotto]'' I consider myself a reasonable merman. I set certain rules and I expect those rules to be obeyed. :'''Ariel''': But Dad, I...! :'''King Triton''': Is it true you rescued a human from drowning?! :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I had to... :'''King Triton''': Contact between the human world and the merworld is strictly forbidden! Ariel, you know that! Everyone knows that! :'''Ariel''': He would've died! :'''King Triton''': One less human to worry about. :'''Ariel''': ''[angrily]'' You don't even know him! :'''King Triton''': ''Know him? I don't have to know him!'' They're all the same: Spineless, savage, harpooning fish-eaters, incapable of any feeling... :'''Ariel''': '''''DADDY, I LOVE HIM!''''' :''[Ariel gasps in shock, as she has accidentally slipped the truth. Sebastian cringes in horror.]'' :'''King Triton''': ''[as he shocked at what Ariel said]'' No. ''[and also losing control of his outrage and glaring with his daughter]'' Have you lost your senses completely?! He's a HUMAN, you're a MERMAID! You'll never be beaten together! :'''Ariel''': I don't care! :'''King Triton''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' So help me, Ariel, I will get through to you. And if this is the only way, '''''so be it.''''' :''[With his trident at full power, Triton furiously points it towards one of Ariel's treasures and angrily blasts it. The blast is so intense that it scares Ariel, including Sebastian]'' :'''Ariel''': '''''DADDY? NO, NO, PLEASE!''''' ''[But King Triton, in his rage, refuses to stop. He continues furiously pointing his trident at one artifact and then another, mindlessly destroying everything in his path]'' '''''DADDY, STOP! DADDY, STOP IT!''''' ''[She swims to her angry Father and tries stopping him, but it’s no use. The only treasure left in the grotto is the statue of Prince Eric. Seeing that he is now focused on that, Ariel turns to her angry Father]'' '''''DADDY, NO!''''' ''[But King Triton angrily ignores the pleas of his frightened daughter and angrily blasts the statue. Pieces of the statue fly around the grotto as the explosion subsides. The trident calms down as she looks in horror at where the statue was. Her grotto, full of many treasures just minutes ago, is now a barren cave with much wreckage. Overcome with sadness, she collapses onto the ground and starts sobbing. King Triton sternly looks at his daughter, but knowing that his time in the grotto is about over, he doesn't say a word and turns to leave. But as he does, he can't help but feel that he went too far in scolding Ariel for some reason. He glimpses at Ariel with remorse before leaving. Sebastian and Flounder are the only ones left in the grotto and are terrified at what just happened. Feeling terrible for Ariel, Sebastian approaches the crying girl and tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, I... :'''Ariel''': ''[softly]'' Just go away. :''[Sebastian, remorseful in agreement for leading King Triton into the grotto, which resulted in the destruction of Ariel's treasures, leaves somberly with Flounder. Ariel was now on her own, sobbing over losing her treasures, all that she collected for years, and the Prince Eric statue, the newest and most fascinating treasure of them all. She was now left with nothing.]'' :''[The camera pans out to show the destroyed grotto. Flotsam and Jetsam peer out over a shelf.]'' :'''Flotsam''': Poor child. :'''Jetsam''': Poor, sweet child. :'''Flotsam''': She has a very serious problem. :'''Jetsam''': If only there were something we could do. :'''Flotsam''': But there ''is'' something. :'''Ariel''': ''[stops crying for smelling hickory grotto]'' Who... who are you? :'''Jetsam''': Don't be scared. :'''Flotsam''': We represent someone who can help you. :'''Jetsam''': Someone who could make all your dreams come true. :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Just imagine... :'''Jetsam''': You and your prince... :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Together... forever... ''[they form a heart]'' :'''Ariel''': I don't understand. :'''Jetsam''': Ursula... has great powers. :'''Ariel''': ''[gasps and places a hand to her heart.]'' The Sea Witch? ''[shaking her head]'' Why, that's... I couldn't possibly... no! Get out of here. Leave me alone! :'''Flotsam''': Suit yourself. :'''Jetsam''': It was only a suggestion. :''[Jetsam flicks the statue's broken face towards Ariel. She picks it up.]'' :'''Ariel''': ''[looking at the face]'' Wait. :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': Yes? :'''Flounder''': ''[sniffling]'' Poor Ariel. :'''Sebastian''': I didn't mean to tell, it was an accident. :''[Ariel passes by with Flotsam and Jetsam. Alarmed, Sebastian swims up.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel - where are you going? Ariel, what are you doing here with this riff-raff? :'''Ariel''': ''[determinedly]'' I'm going to see Ursula. :''[Sebastian gasps and grabs onto Ariel's fins.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, no! No, she's a demon, she's a monster! :'''Ariel''': ''[looking back at Sebastian]'' Why don't you go tell my father? You're good at that. :''[Ariel shakes Sebastian off.]'' :'''Sebastian''': But... But I... ''[to Flounder]'' Come on. :''[Sebastian and Flounder follow them.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to Ursula's Lair]'' :''[Ariel and the eels swim towards Ursula's lair, which is shaped like a sea monster. An eerie purple light glows from inside then purple/pink smoke poofs. As they swim towards the mouth, Ariel stops.]'' :'''Flotsam and Jetsam''': This way. :''[They enter through the mouth and pass by the garden of souls. Ariel looks at them disgustedly. One grabs her arm, but Ariel pulls free. Ursula's voice is heard from her conch shell rest.]'' :'''Ursula''': Come in. Come in, my child. We mustn't lurk in doorways - it's rude. ''[Ursula comes down and sits at the vanity]'' One ''might'' question your upbringing... Now, then. You're here because you have a thing for this human. This, er, prince fellow. Not that I blame you - he is quite a catch, isn't he? Well, angel fish, the solution to your problem is simple. [''Ursula puts on bright red lipstick and puckers her lips.]'' The only way to get what you want - is to become a human yourself. :'''Ariel''': Can you do that? :'''Ursula''': My dear, sweet child. That's what I do - it's what I live for. To help unfortunate merfolk - like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. :''[Ursula opens up a glowing cauldron with pink vapor and sings about helping "poor unfortunate souls." Sebastian and Flounder enter the lair.]'' :'''Ursula''': I admit that in the past I've been a nasty / They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch / But you'll find that nowadays / I've mended all my ways / Repented, seen the light and made a switch / True? Yes! / And I fortunately know a little magic / It's a talent that I always have possessed / And here lately, please don't laugh / I use it on behalf / Of the miserable, lonely and depressed ''[spoken]'' ''[to Flotsam and Jetsam]'' Pathetic. ''[singing]'' Poor unfortunate souls / In pain / In need / This one longing to be thinner / That one wants to get the girl / And do I help them? / Yes, indeed / Those poor unfortunate souls / So sad, so true / They come flocking to my cauldron / Crying, "Spells, Ursula please!" / And I help them / Yes, I do / Now it's happened once or twice / Someone couldn't pay the price / And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals / Yes, I've had the odd complaint / But on the whole I've been a saint / To those poor unfortunate souls. ''[grabbing Ariel]'' Now, here's the deal. I will make you a potion that will turn you into a human for three days. Got that? ''[motioning with her fingers]'' Three days. Now listen, this is important. Before the sun sets on the third day, you've got to get Dear Ol' Princey to fall in love with you. That is, he's got to '''''kiss you'''''. Not just ''any kiss'' - a special kiss - the kiss of true love. If he does kiss you before the sun sets on the third day, you'll remain human, permanently, but - if he doesn't, you turn back into a mermaid, and - you belong to me. :'''Sebastian''': No, Ariel! don't be stupid. :''[Before Sebastian could say anything more, Flotsam and Jetsam wrap around him and Flounder to shut them up.]'' :'''Ursula''': ''[grabbing Ariel's face]'' Have we got a deal? :'''Ariel''': If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again. :'''Ursula''': That's right... But, you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices, innit? Oh - and there is one more thing. We haven't discussed the subject of payment. You can't get something for nothing, you know? :'''Ariel''': But I don't have anything. :''[Ursula uses a tentacle to shut up Ariel.]'' :'''Ursula''': I'm not asking much. Just a token, really, a trifle. You'll never even miss it. What I want from you is... your voice. :'''Ariel''': ''[touching her throat]'' My voice? :'''Ursula''': You've got it, Sweet Cakes. No more talking, singing, zip. :'''Ariel''': But without my voice, how can I - :'''Ursula''': You'll have your looks! Your pretty face! And don't underestimate the importance of body language! Ha! ''[Ursula shakes her hips and resumes singing.]'' ''[Ursula mixes her potion and pulls out a golden contract and quill in the shape of a fish's skeleton. Flounder and Sebastian gape as Ariel signs the contract.]'' The men up there don't like a lot of blabber / They think a girl who gossips is a bore / Yes, on land it's much preferred / For ladies not to say a word / And, after all, dear, what is idle prattle for? / Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation / True gentlemen avoid it when they can / But they dote and swoon and fawn / On a lady who's withdrawn / It's she who holds her tongue who gets her man / Come on, you poor unfortunate soul / Go ahead! / Make your choice! / I'm a very busy woman / And I haven't got all day / It won't cost much / Just your voice! / You poor unfortunate soul / It's sad / But true / If you want to cross a bridge, my sweet / You've got to pay the toll / Take a gulp and take a breath / And go ahead and sign the scroll! / Flotsam, Jetsam, now I've got her, boys / The boss is on a roll / This poor unfortunate soul! / Beluga! Sevruga! Come, winds of the Caspian Sea! / Amnesia, glossitis et max laryngitis, la voce to me! ''[Ursula begins casting her spell to take Ariel's voice. A giant, ghastly pair of creepy green hands appear beside Ursula, who is cast in green light.]'' Now... sing! ''[Ariel vocalizes besides the green smoke.]'' Keep singing! ''[A glowing green current whips around Ariel as her voice glows within her. The hands rip out Ariel's voice and it floats into Ursula's shell necklace, who laughs evilly.]'' :''[A poof of pink/purple smoke rises from the cauldron and a bubble forms around Ariel. A whipping gold current rushes around her and her tail splits into two legs. She hurriedly tries to swim and is rushed to the surface by Flounder and Sebastian.]'' :''[Ariel springs into the air to get a breath of air. She puts her arms around Sebastian and Flounder, and they swim her to the shore.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to the shore.]'' :''[Eric leans his back on his seaside castle and plays the flute. Max is beside him.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': That voice. I can't get it out of my head. I've looked everywhere, Max - where could she be? :''[n a cove further along the shoreline, Ariel lays on a rock. Sebastian and Flounder pant, exhausted. Ariel pushes her hair out of her face and sits up. She sees her legs and is amazed. She lifts her foot in the air and wiggles her toes.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Well, look at what the catfish dragged in! ''[Scuttle lands on her leg.]'' Look at ya! Look at ya! There's somethin' different. Don't tell me - I got it. It's your hairdo, right? ''[Ariel shakes her head.]'' You've been usin' the dinglehopper, right? No? No huh, well let me see. New... seashells? No new seashells. ''[Ariel shakes the leg Scuttle is perched on to give him a clue.]'' I gotta admit, I can't put my foot on it right now, but if I just stand here long enough, I know that I'll - :'''Sebastian''': ''[shouting]'' '''She's got ''legs,'' you idiot!''' She traded her voice to the Sea Witch and got ''legs.'' Jeez, man... :'''Scuttle''': I knew that. :'''Flounder''': Ariel's been turned into a human. She's gotta make the prince fall in love with her, and he's gotta ki- he's gotta kiss her. :''[Ariel's legs wobble as she tries to stand up.]'' :'''Sebastian''': And she's only got three days. ''[Ariel falls over, splashing her friends.]'' Just look at her. On legs. On human legs! My nerves are shot. This is a catastrophe! What would her father say! I'll tell you what her father'd say! ''[grabbing Flounder's face]'' He'd say he's gonna kill himself a crab, that's what her father'd say! ''[marching away]'' I'm gonna march meself straight home right now and tell him just like I shoulda done de minute- ''[Ariel picks up Sebastian and holds him in his hands. He wags his claw at her as she shakes her head.]'' And don't you shake your head at me, young lady! Maybe there's still time. If we could get that witch to give you back your voice, you could go home with all the normal fish, and just be... just be... just be miserable for the rest of your life. All right, all right, we'll help you find dat prince. ''[Ariel smiles and kisses Sebastian's head. She sets him down.]'' Boy. What a soft-shell I'm turning out to be. :''[Scuttle lands beside wreckage.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Now, Ariel, I'm tellin' ya, if you wanna be a human the first thing you gotta do is dress like one. Now lemme see. ''[He picks up a sail.]'' :''[Eric walks along the shore with Max. He sniffs and raises his brow. He barks and hops around excitedly. He runs down the beach.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Max? Huh... what, Max! :''[Eric follows Max. Scuttle whistles.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Ya look great, kid. Ya look - sensational. :''[Ariel wears the sail tied with ropes. She's alarmed by Max's barking. Flounder splashes back into the sea and Sebastian skitters away hopping behind a rock. Ariel climbs onto the rock and Max licks her face.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Max... Max - Quiet Max ''[Max tugs at Eric's leg.]'' What's gotten into you fella? ''[seeing Ariel]'' Oh... Oh, I see. Are you O.K., miss? I'm sorry if this knucklehead scared you. He's harmless, really - ''[Eric gazes at her face and points at her.]'' You... seem very familiar... to me. Have we met? ''[Ariel nods.]'' We ''have'' met? ''[Max comes between them and barks.]'' I knew it! ''[grabbing Ariel's hands]'' You're the one - the one I've been looking for! What's your name? ''[Ariel tries to answer, but no sound comes out of her mouth. She touches her throat, disappointed.]'' What's wrong? What is it? ''[Ariel taps her throat.]'' You can't speak? ''[Ariel shakes her head.'' Oh, oh. Then you couldn't be who I thought. ''[Ariel and Max let out frustrated sighs. Ariel waves her arms in an attempt to pantomime].'' What is it? You're hurt? No, No... You need help. ''[Ariel falls into his arms. Eric holds her, helping her stand.]'' Whoa, whoa, careful - careful - easy. Gee, you must have really been through something. Don't worry, I'll help you. Come on... Come on, you'll be okay. :''[Eric leads her away. Scuttle gives a thumbs up and Flounder grins.]'' :''[In a magnificent 1820s bathroom, Ariel sits in a water tub of bubbles.]'' :'''Carlotta''': Washed up from a shipwreck. Oh, the poor thing. We'll have you feeling better in no time. ''[Carlotta splashes a bucket of water on top of her head. Sebastian peeks out from where he's been hiding in Ariel's makeshift dress. Carlotta picks it up, grimacing.]'' I'll just - I'll just get this washed for you. :''[Sebastian sits in a tub of soapy water as women surround it and wash.]'' :'''Woman 1''': Well, you must have at least heard about this girl. :'''Woman 2''': Well, Gertrude says... :''[The woman rungs the dress down a washboard and Sebastian is pulled along with it.]'' :'''Woman 2''': ...since when has Gertrude got anything right. ''[Sebastian burps with bubbles]'' I mean really, this girl shows up in rags and doesn't speak-''[Sebastian is pulled through a wringer with a shirt.]'' Not my idea of a princess. If Eric's looking for a girl, I know a couple of highly available ones right here... :''[Sebastian crawls into the pocket of shirt that is hung to dry. As the shirt slides past a window, he falls in headfirst. His eyes bug out as he sees dead fish on a chopping block, a boiling pot of sea creatures, and a platter of stuffed crabs. He faints.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grimsby sits at the head of the table as Eric gazes out the windows, which stretch from floor to ceiling, at the ocean.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, be reasonable. Nice young ladies just don't - swim around rescuing people in the middle of the ocean and then - flutter off into oblivion, like some - :'''Prince Eric''': I'm tellin' you, Grim, she was real! I'm gonna find that girl - and I'm gonna marry her. :'''Carlotta''': Ha Ha. Come on honey. Don't be shy. :''[Carlotta and Ariel come through the entrance. Ariel wears a long sleeve pink gown with pink high heels.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, Eric, isn't she a vision? :'''Prince Eric''': Uh, you look - wonderful. :'''Grimsby''': ''[taking Ariel]'' Come come come, you must be famished. Let me help you my dear. ''[Grimsby and Eric settle Ariel into a chair.]'' There we go - ah - quite comfy? Uh. It's - It's not often that we have such a lovely dinner guest, eh Eric? ''[Ariel sees a fork on the table and picks it up, combing her hair. Eric holds a goblet and raises an eyebrow. Grimsby looks perplexed. She puts it down, embarrassed]'' Uh, do you like it? It is rather a fine one... :''[She blows into it, covering Grimsby's face in ashes by Ariel. Eric laughs.]'' :'''Carlotta''': Oh, my! :'''Prince Eric''': Ahem, so sorry, Grim. :'''Carlotta''': Why, Eric, that's the first time I've seen you smile in weeks. :''[Ariel smiles at this. Grimsby wipes his face.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Oh, very amusing. Carlotta, my dear, what's for dinner? :'''Carlotta''': Ooo, you're gonna love it. Chef's been fixing his specialty, stuffed crab. :''[Sebastian watches Chef Louis take out a bowl of dead fish. He sings to himself as he cooks.]'' :'''Chef Louis''': Nouvelle Cuisine / Les Champs-Elysées / Maurice Chevalier / Les poissons, les poissons / How I love les poissons / Love to chop and to serve little fish / First I cut off their heads / Zen I pull out their bones / Ah mais oui, ça c'est toujours délice / Les poissons, les poissons / Hee hee hee, haw haw haw / With the cleaver I hack zem in two / I pull out what's inside ''[pulls out the guts from the fish and throws it in a pot]'' / And I serve it up fried / 'Cause I love little fishes, don't you? / Here's something for tempting ze palate ''[Sebastian quivers and hides as Louis brutalizes the sea creatures.]'' ''[A fish's head lands in front a mortified Sebastian. He hides under a leaf of lettuce to escape]'' / Prepared in the classic technique / ''[But as Louis clangs down on the table with a cleaver, Sebastian is jolted into the air.]'' First you pound the fish flat with a mallet / Then you slash through the skin / Give the belly a slice / Then you rub some salt in / 'Cause that makes it taste nice. ''[Louis raises the leaf and sees Sebastian.]'' Zut alors, I have missed one! ''[Louis picks up Sebastian.]'' Sacre bleu! What is this? How on earth could I miss such a sweet little succulent crab? Quel dommage, what a loss! Here we go in the sauce. ''[He throws him in a sauce bowl with Polynesian sauce and throws flour on him.]'' Now some flour-I think just a dab. ''[Sebastian sneezes.]'' Now I stuff you with bread. ''[Louis stuffs Sebastian's shells with lettuce and bread.]'' It don't hurt, 'cause you're dead And you're certainly lucky you are. ''[he spits it out.]'' 'Cause it's gonna be hot in my big silver pot. Tootle-loo, mon poisson, au revoir! ''[He tosses Sebastian into the boiling pot, with one of the hot bubbles popping at him changing him back to red and tossing him out of the pot and on the counter. Chef Louis notices him. He picks him up with a fork.]'' What is this? :''[Sebastian pinches his nose and Sebastian flies away, landing on the handle of a saucepan. Louis tries to grab him again and his hand goes on the stove. Yowling, he reels back in pain. A pan lands on his foot and he hops about.]'' :''[He grabs knives from a knife block and throws them towards Sebastian, who scampers through a small hole in the cabinet. On the counter he drops a bowl with food onto Louis' head. He runs under the cabinet again as the chef lifts an enormous knife and chops it in half.]'' :''[Sebastian dashes across the floor as a knife lands in front of him. He runs between Louis' legs towards a cabinet with dishes. Louis jumps to the cabinet with a hammer.]'' :''[Crashing noises are heard.]'' :'''Carlotta''': I think I'd better go see what Louis is up to. :''[The kitchen is in total disarray as Louis digs around looking for Sebastian.]'' :'''Chef Louis''': Come out, you little pipsqueak, and '''''FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!''''' :'''Carlotta''': ''[losing control of her rage and yelling at Louis]'' '''''LOUIS!''''' :''[Louis bangs his head. Carlotta puts her hands on her hips.]'' :'''Carlotta''': '''''What are you doing?!''''' :'''Chef Louis''': Well - I - I was just - er, er, I'm sorry, Madame. ''[Extinguishes the flame on his mustache]'' :''[Carlotta carries out the dinner plates in a huff.]'' :'''Grimsby''': You know, Eric, perhaps our young guest might enjoy seeing some of the sights of the kingdom. Something in the way of a tour? :''[Carlotta sets their plates down. Eric gazes at Ariel, head in hand.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': I'm sorry, Grim, what was that? :'''Grimsby''': You can't spend all your time moping about, you need to get out. Do something, have a life. :''[Grimsby lifts his plate's cover to reveal Sebastian cowering in the salad. He motions "shh."]'' :'''Grimsby''': Get your mind off - :''[Ariel beckons him to hide in her plate.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': It's not a bad idea, if she's interested. :''[Sebastian runs to Ariel's plate, and she covers it.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Well - whaddaya say? Would you like to join me on a tour of my kingdom tomorrow? :''[Ariel nods vigorously, leaning heavily on her plate's cover.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Wonderful, now let's eat, before this crab wanders off my plate. :''[He stabs his fork at an empty plate.]'' :''[Ariel leans on her balcony, wearing a long sleeve pink nightgown. She watches as Eric plays with Max on the lawn.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Come here, boy! Grrr... :''[Max licks Eric's face and Eric ruffles his fur. He sees Ariel and waves. She waves shyly and backs into her room.]'' :''[Ariel brushes her hair with a fork and Sebastian sits on a table.]'' :'''Sebastian''': This has got to be, without a doubt, the single most humiliating day of my life. ''[Sebastian picks a lettuce leaf off his head. Ariel passes him and pats his head]'' I hope you appreciate what I go through for you, young lady. ''[Ariel sinks into her bed.]'' Now - we got to make a plan to get that boy to kiss you. Tomorrow, when he takes you for that ride, you gotta look your best. You gotta bat your eyes - like this. You gotta pucker up your lips - like this. ''[Sebastian demonstrates to Ariel. He sees Ariel has fallen asleep. Smiling, he blows out a candle on the nightstand and hops onto the pillow beside her.]'' Hmm. You are hopeless child. You know dat? Completely hopeless... :''[The seahorse swims hurriedly to the throne room, where King Triton swims back and forth with his hands behind his back.]'' :'''King Triton''': Any sign of them? :'''Herald''': No, Your Majesty. We've searched everywhere. We've found no trace of your daughter - or Sebastian. :'''King Triton''': Well, keep looking. Leave no shell unturned, no coral unexplored. Let no one in this kingdom sleep until she's safe at home. :'''Herald''': Yes, sire. :''[The seahorse bows and leaves. Triton sits in his throne.]'' :'''King Triton''': Oh, what have I done? What have I done? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Carlotta and Grimsby wave goodbye to Eric and Ariel as they ride away in a horse-drawn buggy. They take a road leading to town and Ariel points excitedly. Ariel leans over the side of the buggy to watch the ground and the horse's feet clopping.]'' :''[As they pass over a canal, Flounder leaps through the water. Sebastian peers out over the buggy.]'' :'''Flounder''': Has he kissed her yet? :'''Sebastian''': Not yet. :'''Flounder''': ''[disappointedly]'' Ohh. :''[In the bustling town square, Ariel watches a man push a cart of clucking chickens. Two puppets perform on a small stage. Ariel pulls one off, revealing the puppeteer's hand. She pulls Eric's hand to the dance area. He twirls her and lifts her into the air.]'' :''[Scuttle flies overhead as Flounder swims in the canal.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Yo, Flounder! Any kissing? :'''Flounder''': No, not yet. :'''Scuttle''': Hmm. Well, they - they better get crackin'. :''[In the buggy, Eric and Ariel ride out of town. Ariel wears a hat and holds bread, a bouquet of flowers, and a pair of boots. Eric offers Ariel the reins. She eagerly snaps them and the buggy races forward. Eric gasps, seeing a wide gulley ahead. Ariel speeds and they soar across to the other side. Eric peeks up from the floor of the buggy. As they rise off into the countryside, Eric relaxes, folding his hands behind his head.]'' :''[Eric rows himself and Ariel out on the lagoon.]'' :'''Flounder''': Move over - move your big feathers. I can't see a thing. :'''Scuttle''': Nothing, is happening... Only one day left, and that boy ain't puckered up once. O.K. All right, this calls for a little vocal romantic stimulation. Stand back. :''[Scuttle lands on a branch and sings horribly.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Wow. Somebody should find that poor animal and put it out of its misery. :''[Ariel grimaces and puts her head in her hands as Scuttle signals "A OK." Sebastian covers his ears.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Jeez, man, I'm surrounded by amateurs! ''[He dives down into the water and picks a reed.]'' You want something done, you've got to do it yourself. First, we got to create the '''''mood.''''' ''[Ducks appear and turtles turn over on their backs.]'' Percussion... ''[The ducks tap the turtle's bellies as if they were drums.]'' Strings...''[Sebastian conducts crickets, who rub their legs together]'' Winds... ''[The wind blows through the reeds.]'' Words. ''[singing]'' There you see her / Sitting there across the way / She don't got a lot to say / But there's something about her / And you don't know why / But you're dyin' to try / You wanna kiss the girl :'''Prince Eric''': ''[turning to look back]'' Did you hear something? :''[Ariel shrugs.]'' :''[Sebastian and the lagoon creatures continue singing, disappointed that Eric hasn't kissed Ariel.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yes, you want her / Look at her, you know you do / Possible she wants you too / There is one way to ask her / It don't take a word / Not a single word / Go on and kiss the girl / Sing with me now / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / My oh my / Look like the boy too shy / Ain't gonna kiss the girl / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Ain't that sad? / Ain't it a shame? / Too bad, he gonna miss the girl :'''Prince Eric''': You know, I feel really bad not knowing your name. Heh - maybe I could guess. Is it, uh, Mildred? ''[Ariel sticks out her tongue in disgust.]'' O.K., no. How 'bout - Diana? ''[Ariel shakes her head.]'' Rachel? :'''Sebastian''': ''[whispering]'' Ariel. Her name is Ariel. :''[Eric looks back, confused.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel? ''[Ariel nods enthusiastically.]'' Ariel? ''[Ariel takes his hand]'' Well, that's kinda pretty. O.K. - Ariel... :''[Sebastian and the lagoon creatures continue serenading them as they float along. Two pelicans pull back the leaves of a willow tree as Eric and Ariel pass through.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Now's your moment ''(ya, ya, ya)'' / Floating in a blue lagoon ''(ya, ya, ya)'' / Boy, you better do it soon / No time will be better ''(ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya)'' / She don't say a word / And she won't say a word / Until you kiss the girl ''[Fish circle under the boat, turning it slowly.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Don't be scared ''(sha-la, sha-la-la ya, ya, ya)'' / You got the mood prepared ''(woah, woah)'' / Go on and kiss the girl ''[Fireflies surround the boat.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Don't stop now ''(sha-la, sha-la-la ya, ya, ya)'' / Don't try to hide it how / You wanna kiss the girl ''(whoa, whoa)'' / ''[As Scuttle begins to sing, flamingos shut him up.]'' Sha-la-la-la-la-la / Float along ''(sha-la, sha-la-la)'' / And listen to the song / The song say kiss the girl ''(whoa, whoa)'' ''[Fish, including Flounder, surround the boat and spurt water from their lips, creating a fountain effect. The animals whisper to kiss Ariel.]'' / Sha-la-la-la-la-la / The music play ''(ya, ya, ya, ya, ya, ya)'' / Do what the music say / You got to kiss the girl ''[Eric leans in and gazes into her eyes. Ariel closes her eyes and puckers her lips in anticipation.]''/ You've got to kiss the girl / Oh, don't you wanna kiss the girl / You've gotta kiss the girl / Go on and kiss the girl :''[Eric closes his eyes as well and their lips nearly touch before they are knocked out of the rowboat, which flips thanks to Flotsam and Jetsam, then Eric and Ariel fall into the water.]'' :''[Sebastian hits his head and Scuttle looks mortified.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Whoa, hang on - I've gotcha. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lagoon creatures skitter away as Flotsam and Jetsam rise and slap their tails in the style of a high-five and snicker.]'' :''[Ursula watches Ariel and Eric through a bubble.]'' :'''Ursula''': Nice work, boys. That was a close one. Too close. The little tramp! Oh, she's better than I thought. At this rate, he'll be kissing her by sunset for sure. ''[Ursula swims to her shelf of ingredients and smashes them aside, picking up some ingredients.'' Well, it's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles! ''[Ursula smashes ingredients into the cauldron, sending puffs of smoke in the water.]'' Triton's daughter will be mine! And then I'll make him writhe. I'll see him wriggle like a worm on a hook! ''[Laughing, she clutches her nautilus shell around her neck. A golden light emanates from behind her transitioning into the moon. Ursula transforms into a human and her voice becomes Ariel's.]'' :''[The moon shines bright. On a terrace, Eric plays the melody of "Part of Your World (Reprise)" on his flute. He gazes out to sea, contemplating as Grimsby approaches.]'' :'''Grimsby''': ''[putting an arm around Eric]'' Eric, if I may say, far better than any dream girl, is one of flesh and blood, one warm and caring, and right before your eyes. :''[Eric glances up at a window where Ariel stands in her nightgown, combing her hair with a fork. Eric smiles towards her. He looks sadly at his flute. Gazing firmly at it, he stakes a step back and throws it out into the water. He looks towards Ariel's window and begins to stride towards it, but stops.]'' :''[He hears Ariel's voice vocalizing "Ahhh." He leans over the edge of the terrace to see a woman walking along the shore, Ursula in disguise. Eric strains to see her clearly. The shell necklace hangs around her neck, glowing brightly. An eerie golden mist winds through the air towards Eric. It fills his eyes, enchanting him.]'' :''[Scuttle swoops over the castle, flying to Ariel's window.]'' :'''Scuttle''': Ariel! Ariel, wake up! Wake up! I just heard the news. Congratulations, kiddo, we did it! :''[Scuttle shakes Ariel's hand as she sits up, still half-asleep. Sebastian yawns and tries to go back to sleep.]'' :'''Sebastian''': What is this idiot babbling about?! :'''Scuttle''': Right - as if you two didn't know, uh? The whole town's buzzin' about the Prince gettin' himself hitched this afternoon! You know, he's gettin' married! :''[Scuttle picks up Sebastian and rubs his head.]'' :'''Scuttle''': You silly sidewalker! ''[to Ariel]'' I just wanted to wish you luck. I'll catch you later, I wouldn't miss it! :''[Scuttle flies out the window. Ariel's eyes grow wide. Leaping out of bed, she scoops up Sebastian, twirls him around and gives him a kiss on the head. She fluffs her hair and rushes out the room and down the stairs. Sebastian gets out of bed and follows her]'' :'''Grimsby''': Well, uh - err, Eric. I-it appears that I was mistaken. ''[Ariel stops, flabbergasted. She hides behind a beam and listens on.]'' This mystery maiden of yours does - in fact exist. And - and she is lovely. ''[holding Vanessa's hand]'' Congratulations, my dear. :'''Prince Eric''': We wish to be married as soon as possible. :'''Grimsby''': Oh, yes - of course, Eric, but, er - but these things do take time, you know... :'''Prince Eric''': This afternoon, Grimsby. The wedding ship departs at sunset. :'''Grimsby''': Oh, oh - very well, Eric - as you wish. :''[Ariel is distraught and runs off crying. Vanessa touches her necklace and laughs as Eric stands stiffly, under a trance.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wedding boat departs from the dock. Ariel stands at the docks watching. She sinks to the ground, burying her head and cries. Sebastian looks up at her and sadly bows his head. A tear rolls down her cheek and falls in the water. Nearby, Flounder cries too. Over the ship, Scuttle swoops down over the sky.]'' :'''Vanessa''': What a lovely little bride I'll make / My dear, I'll look divine ''[Scuttle peeks through a porthole to see "Vanessa" singing to herself.]''/ Things are working out according / To my ultimate design ''[She throws a hairpin at the Angel figure in her mirror. He gulps, realizing the bride is not Ariel.]'' / Soon I'll have that little mermaid / And the ocean will be mine ''[Vanessa steps onto her vanity, crushing a bottle. She twirls around and pulls the mirror towards her. Scuttle sees her reflection is that of Ursula.]'' :'''Scuttle''': The Sea Witch! Oh no... She's gotta- I gotta... ''[In a rush to leave, he bumps his head on the porthole. He flies back to Ariel.]'' Ariel! Ariel! Ariel, I was flying, I wa - of course I was flying - An' - I s- I saw that the watch - the witch was watchin' a mirror, and she was singin' with a stolen set o' pipes! ''[Scuttle picks up Sebastian and clanks him against the ground repeatedly.]'' '''''Do you hear what I'm tellin' you?!''''' The Prince is marrying the Sea Witch in disguise! :''[Ariel drops her jaw.]'' :'''Sebastian''': ''[rubbing his head]'' Are you sure about this? :'''Scuttle''': Have I ever been wrong? I mean when it's important! :'''Flounder''': What are we gonna do!? :''[Ariel looks to the setting sun and hears Ursula's voice in her head.]'' :'''Ursula''': Before the sun sets on the third day... :''[Ariel leaps into the water and splashes around helplessly. Sebastian cuts free some barrels for Ariel to hang onto.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Ariel, grab on to dat. Flounder, get her to that boat as fast as your fins can carry you! :'''Flounder''': I'll try. :''[Flounder loops himself onto the rope and pulls Ariel along to the boat.]'' :'''Sebastian''': I've gotta get to the sea king. He must know about this. :'''Scuttle''': What - What about me? What about me? :'''Sebastian''': You - find a way to '''''stall dat wedding!''''' :'''Scuttle''': Stall the wedding. Wh- what am I - what - that's it! ''[Scuttle squawks and takes off for the lagoon, alerting the other birds. Bluebirds and flamingos follow him. Starfish, lobsters, dolphins, and sea lions look up. The animals follow Scuttle.]'' Move it! Let's go! We've got an emergency here! :''[Cut to: Deck of Eric's boat]'' :''[Vanessa and Eric walk down the aisle. Max snarls at her as she passes by, and she kicks him. A short bishop stands at the end of the aisle.]'' :'''Bishop''': Dearly beloved... :''[Cut to: Ocean]'' :''[Flounder pulls Ariel.]'' :'''Flounder''': Don't worry Ariel. Ugh - we - we're gonna make it. We're almost there. :''[Cut to: Deck of Eric's boat]'' :'''Bishop''': Yes, um, do you Eric, take Vanessa, to be your lawfully wedded wife, for as long as you both shall live? :''[Vanessa looks out to the sun, noticing it's almost set.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': I do. :''[Scuttle squawks.]'' :'''Bishop''': Eh, and do you... ''[A squadron of bluebirds swoop down from the sky, led by Scuttle, aimed directly towards Vanessa. She ducks. They circle around and fly under her white dress. Max barks. Guests are alarmed as sea lions get on deck. Pelicans fly overhead and dump beaks full of water on Vanessa. A lobster pinches her nose and starfish smother her and screams.]'' ''[Oblivious to the commotion]'' then by the power invest- :'''Vanessa''': Get away from me you slimy little- ''[A sea lion tosses her in the air on his nose. Ariel arrives and climbs up the ship. The sea lions toss Vanessa into the wedding cake. She pops out, furious, and three dolphins squirt water in her face. Scuttle squawks in her face.]'' Oh, why you little- ''[Vanessa wrings Scuttle's neck. Max breaks free from his leash. Max bites Vanessa in the rear and Scuttle pulls at Vanessa's necklace, which goes flying through the air. The shell of Ursula's necklace was broken into pieces, and Ariel's voice was heard singing and inserted back into Ariel.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel? :'''Ariel''': Eric. :''[Max barks happily at her.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': You - you can talk. You're the one. :''[Eric runs to her and grasps her hands.]'' :'''Vanessa''': ''[now in Ursula's own voice]'' Eric, get away from her! :''[Ursula covers her mouth.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': It - it was you all the time. :'''Ariel''': Oh, Eric, I - I wanted to tell you. :'''Vanessa''': Eric, no! :''[The sun sets as they are about to kiss, and her legs turn back into a tail.]'' :'''Vanessa''': ''[as Ariel turns back into a mermaid]'' You are too late! ''[cackles wickedly]'' '''''<big><big><big><big>YOU ARE TOO LATE!!!!</big></big></big></big>''''' :''[Vanessa rips out of her dress and turns back into Ursula. The crowd gasps in shock.]'' :'''Ursula''': So long, Lover Boy. :''[She slithers across the deck, grabs Ariel, and dives over the edge of the ship.]'' :'''Prince Eric''': Ariel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ursula''': Poor little princess, don't be frightened, it's not you I'm after. I've a much bigger fish to - :'''King Triton''': Ursula, stop! :''[Triton points his glowing trident at Ursula.]'' :'''Ursula''': Why, King Triton! Ha ha ha - How are you? :'''King Triton''': Let her go. :'''Ursula''': Not a chance, Triton! She's mine now. We made a deal. ''[as she shows Triton the glowing scroll as Flotsam and Jetsam restrain Ariel]'' :'''Ariel''': Daddy, I'm sorry! I - I - I didn't mean to. I didn't know - :''[Triton zaps a beam at Ursula and the contract, which remain unharmed.]'' :'''Ursula''': You '''''see?''''' The contract's legal, binding and completely unbreakable - even for you. Of course, I always was a girl with an eye for a bargain. The daughter of the great sea king is a very precious commodity. ''[The contract is released by Ursula and its golden light swirls around Ariel]'' But - I might be willing to make an exchange for someone even better... ''[as she touches her tentacle to Triton's crown]'' :''[Cut to: Eric's boat]'' :''[Eric rows a small boat out to sea.]'' :'''Grimsby''': Eric! What are you doing? :'''Prince Eric''': Grim, I lost her once. I'm not gonna lose her again. :''[Cut to: Under the water]'' :''[Ariel becomes increasingly small and shriveled to resemble the souls in Ursula's garden. She holds out the contract.]'' :'''Ursula''': Now! Do we have a deal? ''[Triton looks away and signs over Ariel's signature using his trident.]'' Ha! It's done then! ''[The magical golden current holding Ariel releases her and takes over Triton, turning him into one of Ursula's souls.]'' :'''Ariel''': No... Oh, no! :''[Ursula cackles.]'' :''[Cut to: above water]'' :''[Eric stands in his rowboat, harpoon in hand.]'' :''[Cut to: under water]'' :''[Only Triton's crown and trident remain.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Oh, Your Majesty... :'''Ariel''': Daddy? :'''Ursula''': At last. ''[as she picks up the crown and puts it on.]'' :'''Ariel''': No. :'''Ursula''': It's mine. ''[as she holds the trident and cackles to herself. Ariel angrily springs at her.]'' :'''Ariel''': You... ''[angrily swimming and attacks Ursula]'' '''''<big>YOU MONSTER!!!</big>''''' :''[Ursula :'''Ursula''': ''[throws Ariel down and points the trident at her]'' Don't fool with me ya little brat! Contract or no- Ahh! :''[Eric's harpoon grazes Ursula's arm. He watches under water.]'' :'''Ursula''': Why, you little troll! :'''Ariel''': Eric! Eric, look out! :'''Ursula''': ''[to Flotsam and Jetsam]'' After him! :''[Flotsam and Jetsam chase Eric as he swims back to the surface. He reaches his boat, but they pull him back under water.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Come on! :'''Flotsam''': Ow! :''[Sebastian and Flounder attack. Sebastian pinches one eel's tail while Flounder flaps his fins in the other's face.]'' :'''Ursula''': Say goodbye to your sweetheart. ''[Ursula aims the trident at Eric, but Ariel yanks her hair, causing the beam of lightning to hit Flotsam and Jetsam, who burn to crisp, smelling like burning ash.]'' Babies! My poor, little poopsies. :''[Ursula holds their remains and her eyes go wild. Seeing Ariel escaping, Ursula begins to grow, huff, and release a black cloud of ink. Flounder and Sebastian cower.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to: above water]'' :'''Ariel''': Eric, you've get to get away from here. :'''Prince Eric''': No, I won't leave you. :''[A spike on Triton's crown comes between Eric and Ariel as a gigantic Ursula rises from the water, laughing manically.'' ''Eric and Ariel jump into the water and clutch each other, looking up to see Ursula towering over them.]'' :'''Ursula''': You pitiful, insignificant, fool! :'''Prince Eric''': ''[pointing]'' Look out! :''[One of Ursula's tentacles crashes down into the water.]'' :'''Ursula''': Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim! :''[Ursula raises the trident and swirls it, creating a storm with lightning. A wave sweeps Eric away.]'' :'''Ariel''': Eric! :'''Ursula''': The sea and all its spoils bow to my power! ''[She swirls the trident in the water, creating a whirlpool. The spinning funnel reaches the ocean floor, churning up sunken ships. Ariel dodges the wreckage. One of the ships veers towards Eric and he tries to swim away, but he is shoved under water.'' ''Gliding along the bottom of the ship, he grabs onto a rope and hoists himself up the side and onto the deck.'' ''She was cackling]'' So much for true love! ''[As Ursula is about to bring her trident down on Ariel, Eric steers the ship into her. She is impaled by the sharp bow. Ursula screams in pain. Her eyes flash and her body is filled with lightning as the ship goes down on top of her. Her tentacles writhe as the ship sinks into the sea.]'' :''Cut to: under water'' :''[The trident sinks down along with debris.]'' :''[Cut to: Ursula's Lair]'' :''[The shriveled souls of the Atlanticans trapped in Ursula's lair are set free and swim out of the lair. The trident falls back to Triton, who transforms back into himself.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to: shore]'' :''[Eric lies on the beach and Ariel gazes from a distance seated on a rock. Triton and Sebastian look on.]'' :'''King Triton''': She really does love him, doesn't she, Sebastian? :''[Sebastian nods.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Well, it's like I always say, Your Majesty. Children got to be free to lead their own lives. :'''King Triton''': You - always say that? ''[sighs]'' Then, I guess there's just one problem left. :'''Sebastian''': And what's dat, Your Majesty? :'''King Triton''': How much I'm going to miss her. :''[Sebastian looks up at Triton. The King's trident glows and he touches it to the water. It forms a glowing golden path to Ariel. She looks down, surprised as her tail glows and smiles at her father.]'' :''[Eric wakes up and sees Ariel rising from the water, wearing a shimmering purple gown. She walks towards him, arms open wide, on legs.'' ''Eric runs to her and twirls her around. Their lips meet in a kiss, which fades into their wedding day. Max jumps up between them and licks them.'' ''Guests on the ship cheer. Carlotta cries and uses Grimsby's handkerchief as a napkin. In the ocean, merpeople gather around the ship and wave. Triton and Ariel's mersisters smile and wave. Scuttle brings Flounder up to the side of the ship. Scuttle flaps away and winks. Ariel kisses him and pats Scuttle's head.'' ''On the wedding cake, Sebastian sits between two cake toppers of Ariel and Eric. He hugs them, smiling tearfully. Suddenly, he sees Louis raising a knife over him. He jumps off and the chef cuts the cake in half. He scampers down the walkway as Louis throws a knife at him and chases him around the deck. Sebastian snips a rope with his claw and a wooden beam swings into Louis' face. His teeth fall out and he collapses. Sebastian jumps into the water between Scuttle and Flounder.]'' :'''Sebastian''': Yes, ''[bowing]'' Thank you, thank you. :''[On the ship, Ariel looks over the railing at her father. A fountain of water raises him up and they hug.]'' :'''Ariel''': I love you, Daddy. :''[Behind them, Eric bows to King Triton. Triton nods. Touching Ariel's cheek, Triton returns to the water. Ariel blows him a kiss. Eric steps up and Ariel slips her arm through his.]'' :'''Chorus''': Now we can walk / Now we can run /Now we can stay all day in the sun / Just you and me / And I can be / Part of your world / Ah-ah-ah-ah / Ah-ah-ah / Ah-ah-ah, ah :''[In the water, Triton sweeps his trident in the air, forming a sparkling rainbow in the sky. The merpeople wave as the ship sails off and they dive below the water. Ariel and Eric kiss.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''["Under the Sea" and the Main Titles music plays as credits roll]'' :'''Sebastian''': The seaweed is always greener / In somebody else's lake / You dream about going up there / But that is a big mistake / Just look at the world around you / Right here on the ocean floor / Such wonderful things surround you / What more is you lookin' for? / Under the sea / Under the sea / Darling it's better / Down where it's wetter / Take it from me / Up on the shore they work all day / Out in the sun they slave away / While we devotin' / Full time to floatin' / Under the sea :'''Sebastian and Blue Crab''': Down here all the fish is happy / As off through the waves they roll / The fish on the land ain't happy :'''Sebastian''': They sad 'cause they in their bowl ''(a fish is seen in a bubble)'' / But fish in the bowl is lucky / They in for a worser fate / One day when the boss get hungry :'''Deep Voice Fish''': Guess who's gon' be on the plate? :'''Sebastian''': Oh, no, under the sea / Under the sea / Nobody beat us / Fry us and eat us / In fricassee / We what the land folks loves to cook / Under the sea we off the hook / We got no troubles / Life is the bubbles / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Since life is sweet here / We got the beat here / Naturally ''(naturally)'' / Even the sturgeon and the ray / They get the urge 'n' start to play / We got the spirit / You got to hear it / Under the sea / The newt play the flute / The carp play the harp / The plaice play the bass / And they soundin' sharp / The bass play the brass / The chub play the tub / The fluke is the duke of soul / ''(Yeah)'' / The ray he can play / The lings on the strings / The trout rockin' out / The blackfish she sings / The smelt and the sprat / They know where it's at / And oh that blowfish blow / Yeah, under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / Under the sea ''(under the sea)'' / When the sardine / Begin the beguine / It's music to me ''(it's music to me)'' / What do they got? A lot of sand / We got a hot crustacean band / Each little clam here / Know how to jam here / Under the sea / Each little slug here / Cuttin' a rug here / Under the sea / Each little snail here / Know how to wail here / That's why it's hotter / Under the water / Ya we in luck here / Down in the muck here / Under the sea! == Songs == === ''Fathoms Below'' === :'''Ship Chorus''': I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue, : And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho! : Look out lad a mermaid be waitin' for you in mysterious Fathoms Below! :'''Prince Eric''': Isn't this great? The salty sea air, the wind blowing in your face. Ah, perfect day to be at sea. :'''Grimsby''': Oh yes... delightful... :'''Sailor 1''': A fine strong wind and a following sea. King Triton must be in a friendly-type mood. :'''Prince Eric''': King Triton? :'''Sailor 2''': Why, ruler of the merpeople, lad. Thought every good sailor knew about him. :'''Ship Chorus''': I'll sing you a song of the king of the sea, : And it's hey to the starboard, heave ho! : The ruler of all of the oceans is he, in mysterious fathoms below! :'''Grimsby''': Merpeople! Eric, pay no attention to this nautical nonsense. :'''Sailor 2''': But it ain't nonsense, it's the truth! I'm tellin' ya, down in the depths o' the ocean they live. :'''Ship Chorus''': Fathoms below, below : From whence wayward westerlies blow : Where Triton is king and his merpeople sing : In mysterious fathoms below === ''Daughters of Triton'' === :'''King Triton's Daughters''': Oh, we are the daughters of Triton : Great father who loves us and named us well : Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina and Ariel : In concert we hope to enlighten : The heart of the merfolk : With music's swell : Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista, Andrina : And then there is the youngest in her musical debut : Our seventh little sister, we're presenting her to you : To sing a song Sebastian wrote : Her voice is like a bell : She's our sister, Ari-- :'''King Triton''': ARIEL!!! === ''Part of Your World'' === :'''Ariel''': Look at this stuff, isn't it neat? : Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? : Wouldn't you think I'm the girl, : The girl who has everything? : Look at this trove, treasures untold, : How many wonders can one cavern hold? : Lookin' around here you'd think, : 'Sure, she's got everything. : I've got gizmos and gadgets aplenty, : I've got whozits and whatzits galore : You want thingamabobs? : I've got plenty : But who cares? : No big deal : I want more === ''Part of Your World'' Reprise === :'''Ariel''': What would I give to live where you are? : What would I pay, to stay here beside you? : What would I do to see you smiling at me? : Where would we walk? : Where would we run? : If we could stay all day in the sun : Just you and me : And I could be : Part of your world : I don't know when : I don't know how : But I know something's starting right now : Watch and you'll see : Someday I'll be : Part of your world === ''Under the Sea'' === : '''Sebastian''': Ariel, listen to me. The human world, it's a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there! : ''[sings]'' The seaweed is always greener : In somebody else's lake, : You dream about going up there, : But that is a big mistake. : Just look at the world around you, : Right here on the ocean floor. : Such wonderful things around you. : What more is you lookin' for? : Under the Sea, under the sea. : Darlin', it's better, down where it's wetter. : Take it from me. : Up on the shore, they work all day. : Out in the sun they slave away, : While we devoting full time to floating : Under the sea. : Down here all the fish is happy, : As off through the waves they roll : The fish on the land ain't happy, : They sad 'cause they in their bowl : The fish in the bowl is lucky, : They in for a worser fate : One day when the boss gets hungry, : Guess who's gonna be on the plate? === ''Poor Unfortunate Souls'' === : '''Ursula''': The only way to get what you want is to become a human yourself. : '''Ariel''': Can you do that? : '''Ursula''': My dear sweet child, that's what I do. It's what I live for, to help unfortunate merfolk, like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to. : ''[sings]'' I admit that in the past I've been a nasty. : They weren't kidding when they called me, well, a witch. : But you'll find that nowadays, : I've mended all my ways, : Repented, seen the light and made a switch. : True? Yes! : And I fortunately know a little magic, : It's a talent that I always have possessed. : And here lately, please don't laugh, : I use it on behalf : Of the miserable, lonely, and depressed-- : Pathetic! : Poor unfortunate souls, : In pain, in need. : This one longing to be thinner, : That one wants to get the girl, : And do I help them? Yes, indeed! === ''Les Poissons'' === : '''Louis''': Les poissons, les poissons : How I love les poissons : Love to chop up and to serve little fish : First I cut off their heads : Then I pull out their bones : Ah, mais oui, ça c'est : Toujours délice. === ''Kiss the Girl'' === : '''Sebastian''': Percussion, strings, winds, words... : There you see her : Sitting there across the way : She don't got a lot to say : But there's something about her : And you don't know why : But you're dying to try : You wanna kiss the girl === ''Vanessa's Song'' === : '''Ariel's voice''': : What a lovely little bride I'll make, my dear, I'll look divine. : Things are working out according to my ultimate design. : Soon I'll have that little mermaid and the ocean will be mine!! == Cast (voices) == * [[Jodi Benson]] — Sea Princess Ariel * [[w:Christopher Daniel Barnes|Christopher Daniel Barnes]] — Prince Captain Eric * [[w:Kenneth Mars|Kenneth Mars]] — Sea King Triton * [[Pat Carroll (actress)|Pat Carroll]] — Sea Professor Ursula the Sea Witch/Princess Vanessa * [[Samuel E. Wright]] — Maestro Horatio Thelonius Ignacius Crustaceus Sebastian Crab * [[w:Patricia Parris|Patricia Parris]] — Cleo * [[w:Buddy Hackett|Buddy Hackett]] — Scuttle Seagull * Jason Marin — Vice Maestro Flounder * [[w:Ben Wright (English actor)|Ben Wright]] — Sir Grimsby * [[René Auberjonois]] — Chef Louis * [[w:Edie McClurg|Edie McClurg]] — Madame Carlotta * [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] — Sea Princess Alana, Sea Princess Adella, Sea Princess Arista, Sea Princess Andrina * [[w:Caroline Vasicek|Caroline Vasicek]] — Sea Princess Attina, Sea Princess Aquata * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] — Flotsam and Jetsam Eel ==Taglines== * Somewhere under the sea and beyond your imagination is an adventure in fantasy. * Love has no boundaries. == About ''The Little Mermaid (1989 film)'' == * When we first proposed it, we knew that it was going to be really, really challenging. I mean, for a lot of reasons. But one of the big reasons is two-thirds of the movie takes place underwater. All that requires a lot of animation in this animated films. We have character animation. The artist who animate the characters. They’re kind of like actors. We always felt they are actors with a pencil. [[w:Glen Keane|Glen Keane]] and [[w:Mark Henn|Mark Henn]] who did Ariel. That’s what they do. Then, we have effects animators. Effects animators do the non-character stuff that moves which is like water waves or bubbles. Or fire or smoke or light effects, if there’s anything that moves that isn’t the character. This probably had more character animation than any Disney movie project since “[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]].” This really had a lot of effects, even with the character stuff — like whenever Ariel is underwater, her hair has to move all the time. Hair moving underwater is tricky. We had a lot of meetings about hair. One of the extras in the video is some of the live action footage that we shot for reference to see the hair floating. :* [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html] * You see at the heart of it, “The Little Mermaid” is the father-daughter story. It’s an overprotective father. There’s a daughter who is kind of adventurous and rebellious and wanting to see a new world. How do they resolve that? That story is still in place today. :* [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] [http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/moviemom/2013/09/interview-ron-clements-john-musker-little-mermaid-disney.html] == See also == * ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' * ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|The Little Mermaid (1989 film)}} * {{imdb title | id=0097757 | title=The Little Mermaid}} {{Disney's The Little Mermaid}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Little Mermaid, The}} [[Category:The Little Mermaid (franchise)]] [[Category:1989 animated films]] [[Category:1989 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Films about mermaids]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about weddings]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Films about fish]] [[Category:Works about women]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Animated films set on oceans]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:Films about hypnosis]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:3D films]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:American fantasy comedy films]] [[Category:American romantic fantasy films]] no729fspirnk5swnc9g8twidn1libvl 0 12786 3944639 3944114 2026-05-23T23:02:35Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944639 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Beauty and the Beast in a Disneyland parade.JPG|thumb|right|In a Walt Disney World parade.]] '''''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|The Beauty and the Beast]]''''', also known as simply '''''Beauty and the Beast''''', '''''The Beauty and Beast''''' or '''''Beauty and Beast''''', is an American [[w:1991 in film|1991 animated film]] about a prince cursed to spend his days as a hideous monster who sets out to regain his humanity by earning a young woman's love. It was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. :''Directed by [[w:Gary Trousdale|Gary Trousdale]] and [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]]. Written by [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]'', based on the [[w:Beauty and the Beast|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve|Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve]], and based on 18th-century France, Paris. :''Music by [[Alan Menken]]'' and includes "[[w:Beauty and the Beast (Disney song)|Beauty and the Beast]]". Written by [[w:Howard Ashman|Howard Ashman]] and performed by [[w:Peabo Brysonf|Peabo Bryson]] and [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]]. {{center|'''The most beautiful love story ever told.'''}} == Belle == * What is this place? Phillipe, please, steady. ''[enters the gate and sees Maurice's hat on the ground]'' Papa. * That's funny, I'm sure there was someone... I-I-Is there anyone here? * He's no monster, Gaston. You are! * ''[gasps]'' No... no! No, please... Please don't leave me... ''[she sobs softly, laying her face against his chest]'' I love you... == Prince Adam/The Beast == * Yes... but you must promise to stay here forever. * The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the west wing. ''['''Belle''': What's in the West--] [growls]'' It's forbidden! * You will join me for dinner! THAT'S NOT A REQUEST! == Gaston == * ''['''LeFou''': So, how'd it go?]'' I'll have Belle for my wife. Make no mistake about that. * Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine! * If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster. * What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back? == Lumière == * Ma chère, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pride pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner. * Don't you see? She's the one. The girl we have been waiting for. She has come to break the spell! == Cogsworth == * Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch. * Dinner is served. == Mrs. Potts == * How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time. * Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman. == Chip Potts == * Mama. There's a girl in the castle. * You guys gotta try this thing. == Maurice == * If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. Yes, is that everything? I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow, I... I'll get her out of there. * Hitch up Philippe, girl. I'm off to the fair! == Others == * '''Tavern Man''': Maurice? * '''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father in the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[They both nod in agreement]'' Oh, that is despicable. I love it! * '''Tom''': Who? * '''Dick''': Is it a big beast? * '''Stanley''': With a long, ugly snout? * '''Walter''': And sharp, cruel fangs? == Dialogue == :'''Narrator''': ''[first lines]'' Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast? :''[We have seen a progression of stained glass windows illustrating the narration, as well as Beast shredding his portrait, the camera slowly zooms out from the castle. A girl with beautiful, long, flowing and wavy brown hair tied up in a low ponytail tied up by a ribbon captivating, large, striking, expressive and round hazel eyes, full pink lips, fair skin, rosy cheeks, full, soft and slightly arched eyebrows, small and petite duchess nose, a heart-shaped round face and a sculpted, slim and well-proportioned figure, wearing a medium-length cerulean blue sleeveless dress with a white long puffy-sleeved shirt with a puffy collar underneath, a white apron around her waist, a white petticoat, and dark brown ballet flats with darker brown soles on her feet, her name is Belle. She exits the front door and begins her walk into town]'' :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' Little town, it's a quiet village / Every day, like the one before / Little town, full of little people / Waking up to say? :'''Townsfolk #1''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #2''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #3''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #4''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #5''': Bonjour! :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' There goes the baker with his tray like always / The same old bread and rolls to sell / Every mornin' just the same / Since the mornin' that we came / To this poor provincial town... :'''Baker''': Good mornin', Belle! :''[Belle jumps over to the bakery]'' :'''Belle''': Mornin' monsieur! :'''Baker''': Where are you off to? :'''Belle''': The bookshop! I just finished the most wonderful story, about a beanstalk and an ogre and... :'''Baker''': ''[ignoring her]'' That's nice...Marie, the baguettes! Hurry up!! :'''Townsfolk''': Look there she goes, that girl is strange no question / Dazed and distracted, can't you tell? :'''Woman #1''': Never part of any crowd :'''Barber''': Cause her head's up on some cloud :'''Townsfolk''': No denying she's a funny girl, that Belle! :'''Driver''': Bonjour! :'''Woman #2''': Good day! :'''Driver''': How is your family? :'''Woman #3''': Bonjour! :'''Merchant''': Good day! :'''Woman #3''': How is your wife? :'''Woman #4''': I need six eggs! :'''Man #1''': That's too expensive! :'''Belle''': There must be more than this provincial life! :''[Belle enters the bookshop]'' :'''Bookseller''': Ah, Belle! :'''Belle''': Good mornin'. I've come to return the book I borrowed. :'''Bookseller''': ''[putting the book back on the shelf]'' Finished already? :'''Belle''': Oh, I couldn't put it down! Have you got anything new? :'''Bookseller''': ''[laughing]'' Not since yesterday. :'''Belle''': ''[on ladder of bookshelf]'' That's all right. I'll borrow... this one. :'''Bookseller''': That one? But you've read it twice! :'''Belle''': Well, it's my favorite! ''[Belle swings off side of ladder, rolling down it's track]'' Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! :'''Bookseller''': ''[handing her the book]'' Well, if you like it all that much, it's yours! :'''Belle''': But sir! :'''Bookseller''': I insist! :'''Belle''': Well, thank you. Thank you, very much! ''[leaves bookshop]'' :'''Men''': ''[looking in window, then turning to watch her]'' Look there she goes / That girl is so peculiar! / I wonder if she's feeling well! :'''Women''': With a dreamy far-off look! :'''Men''': And her nose stuck in a book! :'''All''': What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle! ''[Belle sits on the edge of a fountain, singing to a flock of sheep and the washing woman in the background, who leaves]'' :'''Belle''': Ohhhhh, isn't this amazing! / It's my favorite part because, you'll see! / Here's where she meets Prince Charming / But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three! :'''Woman #5''': Now it's no wonder that her name means 'beauty' / Her looks have got no parallel! :'''Merchant''': But behind that fair facade / I'm afraid she's rather odd / Very different from the rest of us... :'''All''': She's nothing like the rest of us / Yes different from the rest of us is Belle. :'''LeFou''': ''[first words]'' Wow! You didn't miss a shot, Gaston! You're the greatest hunter in the whole world! :'''Gaston''': ''[first words]'' I know! :'''LeFou''': Huh. No beast alive stands a chance against you...and no girl for that matter! :'''Gaston''': It's true, LeFou, and I've got my sights set on that one! ''[pointing to Belle]'' :'''LeFou''': The inventor's daughter? :'''Gaston''': She's the one! The lucky girl I'm going to marry. :'''LeFou''': But she's-- :'''Gaston''': The most beautiful girl in town. :'''LeFou''': I know-- :'''Gaston''': And that makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best? :'''LeFou''': Well of course, I mean you do, but I mean... :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' Right from the moment when I met her, saw her / I said she's gorgeous and I fell / Here in town there's only she ''[Belle walks by and away]'' / Who is beautiful as me / So I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle. :'''Bimbettes''': Look there he goes, isn't he dreamy / Monsieur Gaston, oh he's so cute / Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing / He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute. ''[Belle walks easily through the crowd of people in the town, Gaston struggles to catch up to her]'' :'''Man #1''': Bonjour! :'''Man #2''': Good day! :'''Man #3''': Mais oui! :'''Woman #1''': You call this bacon? :'''Woman #2''': What lovely grapes! :'''Man #4''': Some cheese! :'''Woman #3''': 10 yards! :'''Man #4''': 1 pound! :'''Gaston''': Excuse me! :'''Man #4''': I'll get the knife! :'''Gaston''': Please let me through! :'''Woman #4''': This bread, it's stale! :'''Man #5''': Those fish! They smell! :'''Man #6''': Madame's mistaken! :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' There must be more than this provincial life! :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' Just watch I'm going to make Belle my wife! ''[Townsfolk gather around Gaston, and eventually surround him]'' :'''Chorus''': Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special / A most peculiar mademoiselle / It's a pity and a sin / She doesn't quite fit in! / 'Cause she really is a funny girl! / A beauty but a funny girl / She really is a funny girl! / That Belle!? :'''Gaston''': Bonjour! Whoa-oh! ''[song ends; to Belle]'' Hello, Belle. :'''Belle''': Bonjour, Gaston. ''[Gaston grabs the book from Belle]'' Gaston, may I have my book, please? :'''Gaston''': How can you read this? There's no pictures! :'''Belle''': Well, some people use their imagination. :'''Gaston''': Belle, it's about time you got your head out of those books, ''[tossing book into the mud]'' and paid attention to more important things. Like me. The whole town's talking about it. ''[The Bimbettes, who are looking on, sighing romantically. Belle has picked up the book and is cleaning off the mud]'' It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking. :'''Belle''': Gaston, you are positively primeval. :'''Gaston''': ''[putting his hand around her shoulders]'' Why, thank you, Belle. What do you say you and me take a walk over to the tavern, and take a look at my trophies? :'''Belle''': Maybe some other time. :'''Bimbette #1''': What's the matter with her? :'''Bimbette #2''': She's crazy! :'''Bimbette #3''': He's gorgeous. :'''Belle''': Please, Gaston, I can't. I have to get home to help my father. Goodbye. :'''LeFou''': Ha ha ha, that crazy old loon, he needs all the help he can get! ''[he and Gaston laugh heartily]'' :'''Belle''': ''[angrily]'' Don't you talk about my father that way. :'''Gaston''': Yeah, don't talk about her father that way! ''[conks LeFou on the head]'' :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy! He's a genius! ''[explosion in background. Gaston and LeFou continue laughing. She rushes home and descends into the basement; coughed]'' Papa?! :'''Maurice''': How on earth did that happen? ''[Belle coughs again]'' Doggone it! ''[pulls the barrel off his waist, along with his pants]'' :'''Belle''': Are you alright, Papa? :'''Maurice''': I'm about ready to give up on this hunk of junk! ''[kicks the machine]'' :'''Belle''': You always say that. :'''Maurice''': I mean it this time! I'll never get this boneheaded contraption to work! :'''Belle''': Yes, you will. And you'll win first prize at the fair tomorrow. :'''Maurice''': Hmmmph! :'''Belle''': And become a world-famous inventor. :'''Maurice''': You really believe that? :'''Belle''': I always have. :'''Maurice''': Well, what are we waitin' for? I'll have this thin' fixed in no time. Hand me that... The dog-legged clincher there. So, did you have a good time in town today? :'''Belle''': I got a new book. Papa, do you think I'm odd? :'''Maurice''': My daughter? Odd? Ha! Where would you get an idea like that? :'''Belle''': I don't know. It's just that I'm not sure I fit in here. There's no one I can really talk to. :'''Maurice''': What about that Gaston? He's a handsome fella. :'''Belle''': He's handsome, all right, and rude and conceited and... Oh, Papa, he's not for me. :'''Maurice''': Well, don't you worry. Cause this invention's gonna be the start of a new life for us. ''[comes out from under machine]'' I think that's done it. Now, let's give it a try. :''[Machine whirs and chops wood, just as it should]'' :'''Belle''': It works! :'''Maurice''': It does? It does! :'''Belle''': You did it! You really did it! :'''Maurice''': Hitch up Philippe, girl. I'm off to the fair! :''[Log strikes him in the head, knocking him out. Fade to later in the day]'' :'''Belle''': Goodbye, Papa! Good luck! :'''Maurice''': Goodbye, Belle, and take care while I'm gone! :''[Fade to the deep forest, night. After a few hours of traveling, it seems obvious that they are lost, after Belle plays the violin. Philippe walks on cautiously, frightened out of his wits]'' :'''Maurice''': We should be there by now. ''[above them, an owl hoots, adding to the spookiness of the environment]'' Maybe we missed a turn. I guess I should have taken... wait a minute. ''[raising his lantern toward a sign with arrows pointing in separate directions, though the writing is faded and unreadable. Philippe snorts, and whinnies to go one fashion, but he pulls his reins in the separate direction]'' No, let's go this way! ''[Philippe whinnies and looks at the path Maurice has picked. It is dark and foggy with light blue clouds, with many trees forming an archway. Then he looks at the other path, which is much more inviting. Philippe whinnies to go on the safer path, but he pulls him toward the other one]'' Come on, Philippe, it's a shortcut! We'll be there in no time. ''[the two continue down the path, albeit slowly due to Philippe, fearing what can be lurking about in the darkness. At that moment, a shadow whisks past them and the sound of wolf howling fills the air, spooking Philippe whinnies; looking at his map]'' This can't be right. Where have you taken us, Philippe? We'd better turn around. ''[suddenly, the howling becomes louder. Philippe whinnies to back up, afraid of whatever might be around them]'' Whoa. Whoa, boy. Whoa, now. Whoa, Philippe. ''[but the spooked horse does not stop in time, and bumps into a hollow tree. A flocks of bats swarm out and surround them]'' Look out! No! ''[Philippe runs off in fear, not noticing where he's going]'' Whoa! Whoa, boy! ''[eventually, his steed stops until he sees where he is; at the edge of a very tall cliff]'' Back up! Back up! Back up! ''[they back off slowly, yet afraid to an inch of their lives]'' Good boy, good boy. That's good, that's–back up! Steady. Steady! Now, steady. Steady. ''[the howling is now so loud, Philippe whinnying]'' Oh, no, Philippe?! ''[looks up and sees wolves growling at him. Maurice runs away, being chased by the wolves. He stumbles down a hill, and lands at the gate of a castle. He grabs the locked gate and tries to shake it open]'' Help! Is... Is someone there? Help! :''[The gate opens, and Maurice runs in. He slams the gate in the faces of the wolves. Leaving his hat on the ground as the rain begins to fall, Maurice runs to the castle and bangs on the door. It creaks open and he enters, cautiously]'' :'''Maurice''': Hello? Hello? :''[Watching from a table near the entrance are Lumière and Cogsworth]'' :'''Lumière''': ''[barely whispering]'' Poor fellow must have lost his way in the woods. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[also whispering]'' Keep quiet! Maybe he'll go away. :'''Maurice''': Is someone there? :'''Cogsworth''': Not a word, Lumiere. Not one word! :'''Maurice''': I don't mean to intrude, but I've lost my horse and I need a place to stay for the night. :'''Lumière''': ''[looking at Cogsworth like a child having just found a lost puppy]'' Oh, Cogsworth, have a heart. :'''Cogsworth''': Shush shush shhhhh! ''[puts hand over Lumière's mouth, who promptly proceeds to touch his lit candle hand to Cogsworth's hand]'' Ow, ow! '''''OW, OW, OW, OUCH!!!!!''''' :'''Lumière''': Of course, monsieur, you are welcome here. :'''Maurice''': ''[looking around in confusion]'' Who said that? :''[He picks up the candlestick for light, not realizing that the speaker is in his hand]'' :'''Lumière''': ''[tapping him on the shoulder]'' Over here! :'''Maurice''': ''[spins around, pulling Lumière to the other side]'' Where? :'''Lumière''': ''[taps Maurice on the side of the head. Maurice looks at Lumière]'' Hello! :'''Maurice''': Oh!!!! ''[startled, he drops Lumière onto the floor]'' Incredible! :'''Cogsworth''': ''[hopping over]'' Well, now you've done it, Lumière. Splendid, just peachy--aaarrrgghh! :''[Maurice picks up Cogsworth]'' :'''Maurice''': How is this accomplished? :''[He fiddles with Cogsworth]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Put me down! At once! ''[Maurice tickles the bottoms of Cogsworth's feet. He laughs. He begins to wind the spring on the back of Cogsworth's head, twisting his face around with the clock hands. Maurice opens the front of Cogsworth and begins to play with his pendulum. Cogsworth slams the door shut on his finger]'' Stop that! Stop that, I say! Sir, close that at once, do you mind! :'''Maurice''': I beg your pardon, it's just that I've never seen a clock that...aah...I mean...aah aah aah-chooo!!! :''[Maurice sneezes in the face of Cogsworth, who proceeds to wipe his face off using his clock hands in a very anachronistic windshield wiper manner. Maurice sniffles, indicating the cold he has caught from being in the rain]'' :'''Lumière''': Oh, you are soaked to the bone, monsieur. Come, warm yourself by the fire. :'''Maurice''': Thank you. :''[Lumière and Maurice head towards the den, with Cogsworth running after them]'' :'''Cogsworth''': No, no, no, do you know what the master would do if he finds you here. ''[Beast is watching the action from an overhead walkway, and rushes off as the trio enters the den]'' I demand that you stop...right...there! ''[Cogsworth tumbles down the steps. Maurice takes a seat in a large chair in front of a roaring fire]'' Oh, no, not the master's chair! ''[Footstool rushes past Cogsworth, barking up a storm]'' I'm not seeing this, I'm not seeing this! :'''Maurice''': ''[as Footstool rushes up to him]'' Well, hello there, boy. ''[Footstool props himself up under the feet of Maurice. Coatrack enters and removes his cloak]'' What service! :'''Cogsworth''': All right, this has gone far enough. I'm in charge here... :''[Cogsworth is run over by the (once again) anachronistic IndyCar sounding teacart of Mrs. Potts]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[arriving by the side of Maurice]'' How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time. :''[Mrs. Potts pours tea into cup, Chip, which hops over into Maurice's open hand]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[from face down position on carpet]'' No! No tea, no tea!!! :'''Chip''': ''[as Maurice sips the tea]'' Ha ha! His mustache tickles, Mama! :'''Maurice''': ''[startled by the cup]'' Oh! Hello! :''[The door to the den slams open and a strong gust of wind blows into the room, extinguishing Lumière's flames and the fire in the fireplace. Cogsworth dives for cover. Mrs. Potts begins to shake. Chip jumps back onto the tea cart and takes refuge from behind his mother]'' :'''Chip''': Uh-oh! :''[Beast enters. We see him in full for the first time. He is on all fours. He looks around in the darkness]'' :'''Beast''': ''[first words; growling his words]'' There's a stranger here. :'''Lumière''': ''[who has relit his flames]'' Master, allow me to explain. The gentleman was lost in the woods and he was cold and wet, so... :''[Lumière's last sentence is drowned out by the very loud growl of Beast, which puts out his flames once again. Lumière looks down, dejected]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[coming out from under a rug]'' Master, I'd like to take this moment to say, I was against this from the start. It was all his fault. I tried to stop them, but would they listen to me? No, no... ''[Again, Beast's growl drowns out Cogsworth]'' :''[The Beast barges in to see Maurice getting settled in the castle]'' :'''Beast''': Who are you?! What are you doing here?! :'''Maurice''': I-I-I was lost in the woods and-- :'''Beast''': You're not '''WELCOME HERE!''' :'''Maurice''': I-I'm...I'm sorry. :'''Beast''': What are you '''STARING AT?!''' :'''Maurice''': Nothing. :'''Beast''': So...you've come to stare at the '''BEAST, HAVE YOU?!?!''' ''[blocks Maurice's way]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[pleaders]'' Please! I mean no harm, I just needed a place to stay! :'''Beast''': I'll give you a place to stay! ''[picks up Maurice]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[as the Beast takes him to the tower]'' No, no, please! No! No! ''[door slams]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''LeFou''': Heh! Oh boy! Belle's gonna get the surprise of her life, huh Gaston? :'''Gaston''': Yep. This is her lucky day. :''[Gaston lets go of a branch, which swings back and hits LeFou in the mouth. Gaston turns to the band, wedding guests and others, apparently just out of sight of Belle's cottage.]'' :'''Gaston''': I'd like to thank you all for coming to my wedding. But first, I'd better go in there and... propose to the girl. ''[chuckles; the male guests laugh and the Bimbettes sob]'' And you, LeFou. When Belle and I come out that door... :'''LeFou''': Oh, I know! I know! I strike up the band! :''[The band plays "Here Comes the Bride," loud and fast, until Gaston rams a tuba down on LeFou's head]'' :'''Gaston''': Not yet! :'''LeFou''': ''[sticked his lips through the mouthpiece]'' Sorry! :''[There was a knock on the door.]'' :'''Belle''': Gaston, what a pleasant surprise. :'''Gaston''': Isn't it though? I'm just full of surprises. You know, Belle. There's not a girl in town who wouldn't love to be in your shoes. This is the day...''[Gaston pauses by a mirror and licks his teeth clean.]'' This is the day your dreams come true. :'''Belle''': What do you know about my dreams, Gaston? :'''Gaston''': Plenty! Here, picture this. ''[sits, props muddy boots on Belle's book, kicks them off]'' A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife, massaging my feet, while the little ones play with the dogs. We'll have six or seven. :'''Belle''': Dogs? :'''Gaston''': No, Belle! Strapping boys, like me! :'''Belle''': Imagine that. ''[retrieves book and shelves it]'' :'''Gaston''': And do you know who that wife will be? :'''Belle''': Let me think. :'''Gaston''': You, Belle! :'''Belle''': I'm speechless! I really don't know what to say. :'''Gaston''': Say you'll marry me! :'''Belle''': I'm very sorry, Gaston, but... ''[turns the doorknob]'' ...but I just don't deserve you! :''[She opens the door]'' :'''Gaston''': Whoa! :''[Gaston stumbles out and she throws his boots after him before closing it. Gaston lands in a pig's mud wallow as LeFou conducts the band in "Here Comes the Bride"]'' :'''LeFou''': Ooh, so, how'd it go? Oomph! Uh. :'''Gaston''': ''[picks up LeFou, angrily]'' I'll have Belle for my wife! Make no mistake about that! :'''LeFou''': Oh. :''[throws LeFou into the mud and storms off]'' :'''LeFou''': Hmm! Touchy! ''[The pig oinks in agreement]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Belle''': ''[to the chickens]'' Is he gone? ''[seeing he is, hurried outside, a bucket of chickens feed in her hand]'' Can you imagine? He asked me to marry him. Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless? ''[walks of the animals, and feeding the chickens, singing]'' Madame Gaston, can't you just see it? / Madame Gaston, his little wife. ''[kicks the buckets, the chickens clucking and goats bleats]'' / No, sir, not me, I guarantee it / I want much more than this provincial life. / I want adventure in the great wide somewhere / I want it more than I can tell / And for once it might be grand / To have someone understand / I want so much more than they've got planned ''[Phillipe runs into the open field. Belle looks at him, disturbed that Maurice is not with him.]'' :'''Belle''': Phillipe! What are you doing here? Where's Papa? Where is he, Philippe? What happened? Oh, we have to find him, you have to take me to him. ''[Belle unhitches the wagon from Philippe.]'' :''[Outside the castle gate. (How Phillipe brought Belle there is a mystery, seeing as Phillipe never made it to the castle with Maurice.)]'' :'''Belle''': What is this place? :'''Philippe''': ''[snorts, neighs]'' :'''Belle''': Phillipe, please, steady. Papa. :'''Cogsworth''': Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch. :'''Lumière''': I was trying to be hospitable. :'''Belle''': Hello? Is anyone here? Hello? Papa? Papa, are you here? :'''Chip''': Momma. There's a girl in the castle! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Now, Chip, I won't have you making up such wild stories. :'''Chip''': But really, momma, I saw her. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Not another word. Into the tub. :'''Featherduster''': A girl! I saw a girl in the castle! :'''Chip''': See, I told ya! :'''Cogsworth''': Irresponsible, devil-may-care, waxy eared, slack-jawed-- :'''Belle''': Papa? :'''Lumière''': Did you see that? It's a girl! :'''Cogsworth''': I know it's a girl. :'''Lumière''': Don't you see? She's the one. The girl we have been waiting for. She has come to break the spell! :'''Cogsworth''': Wait a minute, wait a minute! :'''Belle''': Papa? Papa? Hello? Is someone here? Wait! I'm looking for my father! I... That's funny, I'm sure there was someone... I-I-Is there anyone here? :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''Belle''': Oh, Papa! :'''Maurice''': But how did you find me? :'''Belle''': Oh, your hands are ice. I have to get you out of here! :'''Maurice''': You must go! :'''Belle''': Who's done this to you? :'''Maurice''': No time to explain! You must go ''now!'' :'''Belle''': I won't leave you! :'''Beast''': '''What are you doing here?!''' :'''Maurice''': Run, Belle! :'''Belle''': Who's there? Who are you? :'''Beast''': The master of this castle. :'''Belle''': I've come for my father. Please let him out! Can't you see he's sick?! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' Then he shouldn't have trespassed here! :'''Belle''': But he could die! Please, I'll do anything! :'''Beast''': There's nothing you can do! He's my prisoner! :'''Belle''': Oh, there must be some way I can... Wait! Take me instead. :'''Beast''': '''''YOU'''''... You would... take his place? :'''Maurice''': Belle, no! You don't know what you're doing! :'''Belle''': If I did, would you let him go? :'''Beast''': Yes. But... you must promise to stay here forever! :'''Belle''': Come into the light. :'''Maurice''': No, Belle! I won't let you do this! :'''Belle''': You have my word. :'''Beast''': Done! :'''Maurice''': No, Belle. Listen to me. I'm old, I've lived my life- :'''Belle''': Wait! :'''Maurice''': '''Belle!''' :'''Belle''': ''WAIT!!'' :'''Maurice''': No, please spare my daughter! :'''Beast''': She's no longer your concern. Take him to the village. :'''Maurice''': Please, let me out, please! :'''Lumière''': Master? :'''Beast''': What? :'''Lumière''': Since the girl is going to be with us for quite some time, I was thinking that you might want to offer her a more comfortable room. Then again, maybe not. :'''Belle''': You didn't even let me say goodbye. I'll never see him again. I didn't get to say goodbye. :'''Beast''': I'll show you to your room. :'''Belle''': My room? But I thought... :'''Beast''': You wanna stay in the tower? :'''Belle''': No. :'''Beast''': Then follow me. :'''Lumière''': Say something to her. :'''Beast''': Hmm? Oh. I hope you like it here. The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing. :'''Belle''': What's in the West... :'''Beast''': It's forbidden! Now, if you need anything, my servants will attend you. :'''Lumière''': Dinner... invite her to dinner. :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' You will join me for dinner. That's not a request! <hr width="50%/> :'''Gaston''': ''[displeased about what happened to him]'' Who does she think she is? That girl has '''''tangled''''' with the wrong man! No one says no to Gaston! :'''LeFou''': Heh-heh! Darn right! :'''Gaston''': Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly Humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear! ''[throwing his two mugs of beer into the fireplace]'' :'''LeFou''': More beer? :'''Gaston''': ''[frustratingly turning his chair away from the fireplace]'' What for? Nothing helps! I'm disgraced. :'''LeFou''': Who, you? Never! Gaston, you've gotta pull yourself together! ''[singing]'' Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston / Looking so down in the dumps / Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston :'''Old Cronies''': Hooray! :'''LeFou''': Even when taking your lumps / There's no man in town as admired as you / You're everyone's favorite guy! / Everyone's awed and inspired by you / <big>'''''AND IT'S NOT... VERY HARD! TO SEE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!'''''</big> / Noooooo, oooone's sllllick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston / No one's next as incredibly thick as Gaston / For there's no man in town half as manly / Perfect, a pure paragon! / You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley / And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be '''''yooooooown!!!!!!''''' :''[LeFou has pulled a man's belt off, whose pants fall to the ground. LeFou jumps up and wraps the belt around Gaston's neck, who flexes and breaks it off. LeFou continues to dance around. Old cronies pick him up and swing him around]'' :'''Old Cronies''': Noooooo, oooone's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston. :'''Gaston''': As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating! :'''Old Cronies''': My, what a guy that Gaston! ''[swing LeFou back and forth into the camera. LeFou tickles Gaston's chin, who stands with pride]'' Give 5 hurrahs, give 12 hip-hips! :'''LeFou''': Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips! :''[LeFou swings up his arm in dance and throws a mug of beer in Gaston's face, who socks LeFou in the face]'' :'''All''': Noooooo, oooone, fights like Gaston, douses lights like Gaston. :'''Stanley''': In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston. :'''Bimbettes''': For there's no one as burly and brawny. :'''Gaston''': As you see I've got biceps to spare. :'''LeFou''': Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny. :'''Gaston''': That's right! And every last inch of me's covered with hair! ''[Gaston fights with the men, then lifts a bench with the Bimbettes on it. He drops the bench on LeFou, then turns to the camera and reveals his hairy chest]'' :'''Old Cronies''': No one hits like Gaston, matches wits like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston! :'''Gaston''': I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptooey! :'''All''': '''''10 POINTS FOR GASTON!''''' :''[Gaston plays a chess game with a man, then hits the board, sending it and pieces all over. He takes a bite of leather from the belt once wrapped around his neck, chews it and spits it into a spittoon, which falls and gets stuck on the head of LeFou]'' :'''Gaston''': When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs. Every morning to help me get '''''LARGE!!!''''' And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs. So I'm roughly the size of a '''''ba-a-a-a-arge!''''' ''[Gaston juggles a number of eggs, then swallows them whole. LeFou attempts the trick, and is hit in the face by three eggs]'' :'''All''': Noooooo, oooone shoots like Gaston, makes those beauts like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston. :'''Gaston''': I use antlers in all of my decorating! :''[Gaston takes three shots at a beer barrel, which begins leaking into the mugs of onlookers. He returns stomping to his chair, where we see the fireplace surrounded by the heads of the animals he has killed. The mystery cut of music is here! Cut to ending of "Gaston Reprise"]'' :'''All''': My what a '''''guuuuuy!''''' <big>'''''GASTOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!'''''</big> :''[The old cronies have picked up the chair and carry Gaston around in it. LeFou tries to flee, but they toss the chair into its normal place, and LeFou is pinned underneath. Maurice bursts in frantically]'' :'''Maurice''': Help! Someone help me! :'''Tavern Man''': Maurice? :'''Maurice''': Please! Please, I need your help! He's got her. He's got her locked in the dungeon. :'''Tom''': Who? :'''Maurice''': Belle. We must go. Not... not a minute to lose! :'''Gaston''': Whoa! Slow down, Maurice. Who's got Belle locked in a dungeon? :'''Maurice''': A beast! A horrible, monstrous beast! ''[Maurice has gone from person to person, pleading his case, until he is thrown at the feet of Gaston. A moment of silence, then the old cronies begin to laugh and mock him]'' :'''Dick''': Is it a big beast? :'''Maurice''': Huge! :'''Stanley''': With a long, ugly snout? :'''Maurice''': Hideously ugly! :'''Walter''': And sharp, cruel fangs? :'''Maurice''': Yes, yes. Will you help me? :'''Gaston''': All right, old man. We'll help you out. :'''Maurice''': You will? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! :''[The old cronies pick up Maurice and help him out by throwing him through the door]'' :'''Tom''': Crazy old Maurice. :'''Dick''': He's always good for a laugh! :'''Gaston''': ''[very pensive]'' Crazy old Maurice, hmm? Crazy old Maurice. Hmm? ''[singing]'' LeFou, I'm afraid I've been thinking. :''[LeFou is still under the chair]'' :'''LeFou''': ''[singing]'' A dangerous pastime-- :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' I know, / But that wacky old coot is Belle's father / And his sanity's only so-so...| Now the wheels in my head have been turning / Since I looked at that loony old man / See I promised myself I'd be married to Belle, / And right now I'm evolving a plan! ''[Gaston picks LeFou out from under the chair and holds his head close, and whispers]'' :'''Gaston''': If I... ''[whispers]'' :'''LeFou''': Yes? :'''Gaston''': Then I... ''[whispers]'' :'''LeFou''': No, would she? :'''Gaston''': ''[whispering]'' ...GUESS! :'''LeFou''': Now I get it! :'''Gaston and LeFou''': '''Let's Go!''' ''[they begin a waltz around the floor as they sings]'' Noooooo, oooooone, plots like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston. :'''Chorus''': SO HIS MARRIAGE WE SOON'LL BE '''''Celebra-a-a-ti-i-ing!''''' / My what a guy, '''''GASTOOOOOOOOOON!!!''''' :''[Camera zooms out through window to snow covered square, empty except for Maurice]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[to no one in particular]'' Will no one help me? ''[Random; ? At the bedroom of the castle where Belle is still crying. There is a 'clink clink clink' at the door. She gets up and walks over to open the door. Mrs. Potts enters with Chip and their entourage]'' :'''Belle''': Who is it? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Mrs. Potts, dear. I thought you might like a spot of tea. :'''Belle''': But you...ah...but...I-- :'''Wardrobe''': Oof. Careful! :'''Belle''': This is impossible-- :'''Wardrobe''': I know it is, but here we are! :'''Chip''': Told you she was pretty, Mama, didn't I? :'''Mrs. Potts''': All right, now, Chip, that'll do. Slowly now. Don't spill. :'''Belle''': Thank you. :'''Chip''': Want to see me do a trick? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Chip?! :'''Chip''': Oops, sorry. :'''Mrs. Potts''': That was a very brave thing you did, my dear. :'''Wardrobe''': We all think so. :'''Belle''': But I've lost my father, my dreams, everything. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Cheer up, child. It'll turn out all right in the end. You'll see. Oops! Look at me, jabbering on, when there's a supper to get on the table. Chip! :'''Chip''': Bye! :'''Wardrobe''': Well now, what shall we dress you in for dinner? Let's see what I've got in my drawers. Oh-ho! How embarrassing. Here we are. Ah! There you are, you'll look ravishing in this one! :'''Belle''': That's very kind of you, but I'm not going to dinner. :'''Wardrobe''': Oh, but you must! :'''Cogsworth''': Dinner is served. :'''Beast''': What's taking so long? I told her to come down. '''Why isn't she here yet?!''' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, try to be patient, sir. The girl has lost her father and her freedom all in one day. :'''Lumière''': Uh, master. Have you thought that, perhaps, this girl could be the one to break the spell? :'''Beast''': Of course I have! I'm not a fool. :'''Lumière''': Good! You fall in love with her, she falls in love with you, and - Poof! - the spell is broken! We'll be human again by midnight! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, it's not that easy, Lumière. These things take time. :'''Lumière''': But the rose has already begun to wilt. :'''Beast''': Oh, it's no use. She's so beautiful, and I'm... well, look at me! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, you must help her to see past all that. :'''Beast''': I don't know how. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman. :'''Lumière''': Ah yes, when she comes in, give her a dashing, debonair smile. Come, come. Show me the smile. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But don't frighten the poor girl. :'''Lumière''': Impress her with your rapier wit. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But be gentle. :'''Lumière''': Shower her with compliments. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But be sincere. :'''Lumière''': And above all... :'''Mrs. Potts and Lumière''': You must control your temper! :'''Lumière''': There she is! :'''Cogsworth''': Uh, good evening. :'''Beast''': Well, where is she? :'''Cogsworth''': Who? Oh! The girl. Yes, the, ah, girl. Well, actually, she's in the process of, ah, um, circumstances being what they are, ew... She's not coming. :'''Beast''': <big>'''''WHAT?!?!'''''</big> :'''Cogsworth''': Oh, dear, Your Grace, Your Eminence! Let's not be hasty! :'''Beast''': '''I thought I told you to come down to dinner!''' :'''Belle''': I'm not hungry. :'''Beast''': '''You come out, or I'll...I'll...''I'LL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!!!''''' :'''Lumière''': Master, I could be wrong, but that may not be the best way to win the girl's affections. :'''Cogsworth''': Please, attempt to be a gentleman. :'''Beast''': But she is being so ''difficult!'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Gently, gently. :'''Beast''': Will you come down to dinner? :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': Hmm?! :'''Cogsworth''': Uh-uh-uh! Suave. Genteel. :'''Beast''': It would give me great pleasure... if you would join me for dinner. :'''Cogsworth''': Ahem, ahem, we say "please". :'''Beast''': Please. :'''Belle''': No, thank you! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' '''You can't stay in there forever!''' :'''Belle''': ''[provoked]'' Yes, I can! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily]'' Fine! Then go ahead and ''[roars]'' '''''STAAAAARVE!!''''' If she doesn't eat with me, then she doesn't eat ''at all.'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, dear. That didn't go very well at all, did it? :'''Cogsworth''': Lumière, stand watch at the door and inform me at once if there is the slightest change. :'''Lumière''': You can count on me, mon-Capitan. :'''Cogsworth''': Well, we might as well go downstairs and start cleaning up. :'''Beast''': I ask nicely, but she refuses! What-What does she want me to do?! Beg?! Show me the girl. :'''Wardrobe''': But the master's really not so bad once you get to know him. Why don't you give him a chance? :'''Belle''': I don't want to get to know him. I don't want to have anything to do with him! :'''Beast''': I'm just fooling myself. She'll never see me as anything but a monster. It's hopeless. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fade out/Fade in to exterior of Belle's room. Door creaks open. Belle silently emerges. We see her feet go by as three bright spots shine through a curtain at floor level. Behind it are Lumière and Featherduster.]'' :'''Featherduster''': Oh, no! :'''Lumière''': Oh, yes! :'''Featherduster''': Oh, no! :'''Lumière''': Oh, yes, yes, yes! :'''Featherduster''': I've been burnt by you before! :''[Lumière and Featherduster have emerged and Lumière takes her in his arms. Suddenly he looks up and sees Belle walking down the hall. He drops Featherduster.]'' :'''Featherduster''': Oof! :'''Lumière''': Zut alors! She has emerged! :''[Inside the kitchen, where we find Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, Chip and the stove.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Come on, Chip. Into the cupboard with your brothers and sisters. ''[helping him in]'' :'''Chip''': But I'm not sleepy. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Yes you are. :'''Chip''': No, I'm not. ''[He falls asleep and Mrs. Potts shuts the cupboard door.]'' :''[A banging of pots and pans comes from the stove.]'' :'''Stove''': I work and I slave all day long, and for what? A culinary masterpiece gone to waste. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, stop your grousing. It's been a long night for all of us. :'''Cogsworth''': Well, if you ask me, she was just being stubborn. After all, the master did say please. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But if the master doesn't learn to control that temper, he'll never break the-- :''[Belle enters, and Cogsworth cuts off Mrs. Potts before she can say 'spell.']'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[interrupting]'' Splendid to see you out and about, mademoiselle. :''[Lumière comes running in.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': I am Cogsworth, head of the household. :''[He leans over to kiss her hand, but Lumière butts in front of him.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': This is Lumière. :'''Lumière''': Enchanté, chérie. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[trying to talk around Lumière who is still kissing Belle's hand]'' If there's anything...stop that...that we can...please ''[finally shoving him out of the way]''...to make your stay more comfortable. ''[Lumière burns the hand of Cogsworth]'' Ow!!!! :'''Belle''': I am a little hungry. :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[excited, to the other tea pots]'' You are? Hear that? She's hungry. Stoke the fire, break out the silver, wake the China. :''[The fire on the stove roars to life, and drawers open to reveal silverware standing at attention.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[secretively]'' Remember what the master said. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, pish tosh. I'm not going to let the poor child go hungry. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[thinking he is giving in to the ultimate demand]'' Oh, all right, fine. Glass of water, crust of bread, and then-- :'''Lumière''': Cogsworth, I am surprised at you. She's not our prisoner. She's our guest. We must make her feel welcome here. ''[to Belle]'' Right this way, mademoiselle. :'''Cogsworth''': Well keep it down. If the master finds out about this, it will be our necks! :'''Lumière''': Of course, of course. But what is dinner without a little music? :''[Lumière has started out the swinging door. He lets it close, and the door hits Cogsworth and sends him across the room to land in a panfilled with (what looks like) pancake batter. He screams his line as he is in flight.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': '''''MUSIC?!''''' :''[Cut to dining room, where Belle is seated at the end of a long table. Lumière is on the table and a spotlight shines on him.]'' :'''Lumière''': Ma chère, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pride pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner. ''[singing]'' Be our guest, be our guest / Put our service to the test, tie your napkin 'round your neck, chérie and we provide the rest! ''[The chair has wrapped a napkin around the neck of Belle, who takes it off and places it on her lap. The chair's arms put it's hands on it's 'waist' as if it were mad.]'' Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres / Why we only live to serve / Try the grey stuff, it's delicious / Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! ''[Lumière offers Belle a plate of hors d'oeuvres. She dips her finger in one, and tastes it.]'' They can sing, they can dance / After all, miss, this is France! / And a dinner here is never second best! / Go on unfold your menu, take a glance and then you'll / Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! ''[A cabinet at the end of the table opens to reveal a large China collection, which rolls out and begins to perform. Lumière hands Belle a menu, which she begins to read.]'' Beef ragout, cheese soufflé, Pie and pudding en flambé! / We'll prepare and serve with flair / A culinary cabaret! ''[plates of food go dancing by, with Cogsworth in the pudding. Lumière sets his torch to it, and it explodes, turning Cogsworth's face black with soot.]'' You're alone and you're scared, But the banquet's all prepared! / No one's gloomy or complaining, / While the flatware's entertaining! ''[The flatware enters a 'Busby Berkley-esque' swimming scene.]'' We tell jokes, I do tricks / With my fellow candlesticks ''[Lumière, standing on a plate, is elevated and begins to juggle his candles. Mugs enter the shot.]'' :'''Mugs''': And it's all in perfect taste / That you can bet!!! ''[The Mugs begin a gymnastics routine, hopping over one another and passing a beverage from one to the next]'' :'''All''': Come on and lift your glass, You've won your own free pass / To be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! :'''Lumière''': If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest! :'''All''': Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! :''[All leave except Cogsworth, who looks scared, then begins to inch away. Lumière enters and holds him there.]'' :'''Lumière''': Life is so unnerving, For a servant who's not serving! / He's not whole without a soul to wait upon :'''Cogsworth''': Get off! :'''Lumière''': Ah, those good old days when we were useful :'''Cogsworth''': Huh? Oh! :'''Lumière''': Suddenly, those good old days are gone. :''[Lumière sings as if he were reminiscing. Snow begins to fall. Cogsworth looks up and sees the salt and pepper shakers doing their thing.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Ohh. :'''Lumière''': 10 years we've been rustin' / Needin' so much more than dustin' / Needin' exercise, a chance to use our skills! :'''Cogsworth''': Yaaaaaooo… :''[Lumière dusts the salt of the head of Cogsworth, who tries to escape. He tripsand falls into the gelatin mold.]'' :'''Lumière''': Most days just lay around the castle. :'''Cogsworth''': Ngngngngh! :'''Lumière''': Flabby fat and lazy / You walked in, and oops-a-daisie! :'''Cogsworth''': Whoa! :''[Lumière jumps on a spoon in the gelatin, which catapults Cogsworth out of the mold. Cut to kitchen, where Mrs. Potts is surrounded by soap bubbles.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's a guest, it's a guest! Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed! Wine's been poured and thank the Lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed! ''[Mrs. Potts continues to dance around the kitchen]'' With dessert, she'll want tea, And my dear, that's fine with me! While the cups do their soft shoein', I'll be bubblin', I'll be brewin'! I'll get warm, pipin' hot Heaven's sake, is that a spot? Clean it up, we want the company impressed! We've got a lot to do-- Is it one lump or two? For you our guest! ''[Mrs. Potts is cleaned off by a napkin. She hops onto the tea cart and rolls into the dining room, where she offers tea to Belle.]'' :'''All''': She's our guest! :'''Mrs. Potts''': She's our guest! :'''All''': She's our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Our command is your request! :'''Cogsworth''': Let's go, people. Fun's over. Over here. Line up. Aaaaaaah! :'''All''': It's ten years since we had anybody here and we're obsessed! With your meal, with your ease, / Yes indeed, we aim to please / While the candlelight's still glowin' / Let us help you, we'll keep going! :''[The [[China]] and candlesticks perform an elaborately choreographed dance sequence, ending in a closeup of Lumière.]'' :'''Lumière and All''': Course, by course / One by one / Til you shout "Enough, I'm done!" / Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest. Tonight you'll prop your feet up, But for let's eat up, Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Please, '''BE...''' '''''OUR... <big>GUUUUUUUEEEEEEST!!!!!!</big>''''' :''[A fantastic ending comes of the song, with silverware flying through the air, plates and Featherdusters dancing, and Cogsworth the focus of attention, until Lumière comes sliding in and sends him flying out of camera range.]'' :'''Belle''': Bravo! That was wonderful! :'''Cogsworth''': Thank you, thank you, mademoiselle. Yes, good show, wasn't it everyone. ''[Looking at his own face]'' Oh, my goodness, will you look at the time. Now, it's off to bed, off to bed! :''[Lumière comes up next to Cogsworth.]'' :'''Belle''': Oh, I couldn't possibly go to bed now. It's my first time in an enchanted castle. :'''Cogsworth''': Enchanted? Who said anything about the castle being enchanted? ''[He tries to cover it up, just as a fork runs past. To Lumière]'' :'''Cogsworth''': It was you, wasn't it! :'''Belle''': I, um, figured it out for myself. :''[Cogsworth and Lumière have been fighting. They both look at her, then stop. Cogsworth dusts himself off, and Lumière fixes his wax nose.]'' :'''Belle''': I'd like to look around, if that's all right. :'''Lumière''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Would you like a tour? :'''Cogsworth''': Wait a second, wait a second. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. ''[Confidentially, to Lumière]'' We can't let her go poking around in certain places, if you know what I mean. :'''Belle''': ''[Poking Cogsworth in the belly (like the Pillsbury doughboy)]'' Perhaps you could take me. I'm sure you know everything there is to know about the castle. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[flattered]'' Well, actually, ah yes, I do! :''[Fade to Cogsworth, Lumière, and Belle walking down a hall with Sultan. Cogsworth is lecturing.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': As you can see, the pseudo façade was stripped away to reveal a minimalist rococo design. Note the unusual inverted vaulted ceilings. This is yet another example of the neo-classic baroque period, and as I always say, if it's not baroque, don't fix it! Ha ha ha. Now then, where was I? ''[He turns to find the heads of the suits of armor have turned to follow Belle.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': As you were! ''[They all snap back to face forward.]'' Now, if I may draw your attention to the flying buttresses above the--mademoiselle? :''[Cogsworth turns back to the group and is one girl short. He sees her beginning to climb the grand staircase. He and Lumière run up to her and jump in front of her, blocking her progress upstairs.]'' :'''Belle''': What's up there? :'''Cogsworth''': Where? Up there? Nothing. Absolutely nothing of interest at all in the West Wing. Dusty, dull, very boring. ''[Lumière has been shaking his head, but Cogsworth nudges him and he nods in agreement.]'' :'''Belle''': Oh, so that's the West Wing. :'''Lumière''': ''[To Cogsworth]'' Nice going! :'''Belle''': I wonder what he's hiding up there. :'''Lumière''': Hiding? The master is hiding nothing! :'''Belle''': Then it wouldn't be forbidden. :''[She steps over them, but they dash up and block her again.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Perhaps mademoiselle would like to see something else. We have exquisite tapestries dating all the way back to... :'''Belle''': ''[again stepping over them]'' Maybe later. :'''Lumière''': ''[with Cogsworth, again dashing and blocking]'' The gardens, or the library perhaps? :'''Belle''': ''[Now, with incredible interest]'' You have a library? :'''Cogsworth''': ''[Thrilled that he has found something to interest her]'' Oh. yes! Indeed! :'''Lumière''': With books! :'''Cogsworth''': Gads of books! :'''Lumière''': Mountains of books! :'''Cogsworth''': Forests of books! :'''Lumière''': Cascades... :'''Cogsworth''': ...of books! :'''Lumière''': Swamps of books! :'''Cogsworth''': More books than you'll ever be able to read in a lifetime! Books on every subject ever studied, by every author who ever set pen to paper... :''[Lumière and Cogsworth begin marching off, and Belle begins to follow, but her curiosity overtakes her, and she turns back to the West Wing. Her excitement begins to dwindle, though, when she enters the hallway leading to Beast's lair. As she walks down the hall, she stops to look in a mirror that has been shattered into several pieces, each one reflecting her concerned look. She reaches the end of the hall and finds a closed door with gargoyle handles. She takes a deep breath, then reaches out and opens the door. Inside the lair, where Belle begins to explore. She is truly shocked by everything she sees. She wanders around, looking, and knocks over a table, but she catches it before it crashes to the floor. She then turns her head and sees a shredded picture on the wall. We can only see part of a portrait. It is the same portrait that was shredded in the opening. Belle reaches out and lifts the shreds of the picture to reveal the prince. We never see this, however, for then she turns her head and sees the rose under the bell jar. She walks over to it, her eyes transfixes. She reaches out, then lifts off the jar, leaves the rose unprotected. She reaches up, brushes back the strand of hair that has been repeatedly falling on her forehead, then reaches out to touch the rose. As she nears it, a shadow falls over her and Belle gasps in shocked. Beast has been on the balcony, and sees her. He jumps back into the room, then slams the jar back on the rose. He then turns his attention to Belle]'' :'''Beast''': ''[growing angrily-ish]'' Why did you come here? :'''Belle''': ''[backs away, scared]'' I'm-I'm sorry. :'''Beast''': I warned you never to come here! :'''Belle''': I didn't mean any harm. :'''Beast''': ''[angrier]'' Do you realize what you could have done?! :''[Beast begins to thrash at the furniture]'' :'''Belle''': ''[pleaders, but still scared]'' Please, stop! :'''Beast''': ''[screaming]'' <big>'''''GET OUT!!!!'''''</big> :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': ''[screaming]'' <big>'''''GEEET, OOOOOOUUUTT!!!!'''''</big> :''[Belle turns and flees the room. Beast calms down, then falls into despair, finally realizes that he may have destroyed his chances with Belle. She reaches the stairway and grabs her cloak. She rushes down the stairs, wrapping the cloak around her and bursting past a confused Lumière and Cogsworth]'' :'''Lumière''': Where are you going? :'''Belle''': Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute! :'''Cogsworth''': Oh, no, wait, please! Please wait! :''[Lumière tries to respond, but Belle slams the door behind her. He and Cogsworth both bow their heads in sadness. When Belle outside in the forest on Philippe. She begins to ride through the forest, but Philippe comes to a stop. She looks up and sees the wolves. She gasps, then pulls the reins and begins to flee. She runs from side to side, making the wolves hit the trees (a la Speederbike chase in '''[[w:Return of the Jedi|Return of the Jedi]]'''). Philippe runs out on a frozen pond, but his and Belle's weight collapse the ice. The wolves chase her into the water. Some begin to drown, but Philippe is able to get out of the water before anything serious happens. He runs into a clears, but becomes surrounded by wolves. He bucks, throws Belle off and wrapped the reins around a tree branch. The wolves begin their attack on Philippe, but Belle comes to his rescue and beats them away with a stick. One wolf grabs the stick in its mouth and breaks half of it off, leaves Belle defenseless. Another leaps at her, grabs the corner of her cloak and dragging her to the ground]'' :'''Belle''': <big>'''''NO!!!'''''</big> ''[She looks up and sees a wolf about to jump on top of her. It leaps and is caught in mid-air by Beast. He throws the wolf away, then stands behind them and Belle. They lunge at each other. One rips a hole in Beast's shoulder, and the others focus their attack on that spot. Finally, Beast throws a wolf against a tree, knocks it out. The others turn and run in fear. Beast turns back to Belle, looks at her despairingly, then collapses. Belle, grateful to be alive, turns back to Philippe and begins to get on, but her conscience takes over, and she walks over to the fallen Beast. Fade to Belle and Philippe walking back to the castle, with Beast on the horse's back. Fade to inside the den, with Belle pouring hot water out of Mrs. Potts. She soaks a rag in the water, then turns to Beast, who is licking his wounds, dampening rag]'' Here, now. ''[sees the Beast licking the wound on his arm]'' Oh, don't do that. ''[the Beast backs away with a growl as the servants start to back away in fear]'' Just hold still. ''[places the rag on the Beast's wound; the Beast mighty roars in pain and the servants takes cover]'' :'''Beast''': <big>'''''THAT HURTS!!!'''''</big> :'''Belle''': If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much! :'''Beast''': Well, if you hadn't have run away, this wouldn't have happened. :'''Belle''': If you hadn't frightened me, I wouldn't have run away. :'''Beast''': Well, ''you'' shouldn't have been in The West Wing! :'''Belle''': Well, ''you'' should learn to control your temper. Now, hold still. This might sting a little. :'''Beast''': Hmm? Mmm! :'''Belle''': By the way, thank you, for saving my life. :'''Beast''': You're welcome. :''[The camera zooms out and we see the objects looking on with interest. Fade to Gaston's tavern, which is empty except for Gaston, LeFou and Monsieur D'Arque, who are all sitting at a table]'' :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I don't usually leave the asylum in the middle of the night, but they said you'd make it worth my while. ''[Gaston pulls out a sack of gold and tosses it in front of him. He takes out a piece, scrapes it on his chin and continues]'' Aah, I'm listening. :'''Gaston''': It's like this. I've got my heart set on marrying Belle, but she needs a little persuasion. :'''LeFou''': ''[butting in]'' Turned him down flat! :''[Gaston slams a beer mug on his head]'' :'''Gaston''': Everyone knows her father's a lunatic. He was in here tonight raving about a beast in a castle... :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Maurice is harmless. :'''Gaston''': The point is, Belle would do anything to keep him from being locked up. :'''LeFou''': Yeah, even marry him! :''[Gaston gives him another threatening look, and he ducks back under the mug]'' :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father in the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[They both nod in agreement]'' Oh, that is despicable. I love it! :''[Inside Belle's cottage, Maurice is packing to leave]'' :'''Maurice''': If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow I'll get her out of there. :''[Maurice leaves to go find Belle, Gaston and LeFou enter her house to look for him and Belle.]'' :'''Gaston''': Belle? Maurice? :'''LeFou''': Oh, well. I guess it's not go to work, after all. :'''Gaston''': ''[grabs LeFou by his collar and carries him out]'' They have to come back sometime. And when they do, we'll be ready for them. LeFou, ''[throws him into the pile of snow nearby]'' don't move from that spot, until Belle and her father come home. ''[leaves on a horse wagon]'' :'''LeFou''': But... But I... ''[hits a wood]'' Ah, nuts! ''[a snow falls on him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the castle. Belle is playing in the snow with Phillipe and Sultan. Beast, Cogsworth and Lumière watch from the balcony.]'' :'''Beast''': I've never felt this way about anyone. ''[Looks excited]'' I want to do something for her. ''[Looks discouraged.]'' But what? :'''Cogsworth''': Well, there's the usual things--flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep... :'''Lumière''': Ahh, no no. It has to be something very special. Something that sparks her inter--wait a minute. :''[Cut to interior hallway leading to library. Beast and Belle are alone.]'' :'''Beast''': Belle, there's something I want to show you. ''[Begins to open the door, then stops.]'' But first, you have to close your eyes. :''[She looks at him questioningly.]'' :'''Beast''': It's a surprise. :''[Belle closes her eyes, and Beast waves his hand in front of her. Then he opens the door. He leads her in.]'' :'''Belle''': ''[Just as she enters the room]'' Can I open them? :'''Beast''': No, no. Not yet. Wait here. :''[Beast walks away to draw back the curtains. He does, and brilliant sunlight spills into the room. Belle flinches reflexively as the light hits her face.]'' :'''Belle''': Now can I open them? :'''Beast''': All right. Now. :''[Belle opens her eyes and the camera pulls back to reveal the gigantic library filled with books.]'' :'''Belle''': I can't believe it. I've never seen so many books in all my life! :'''Beast''': You--you like it? :'''Belle''': It's wonderful. :'''Beast''': Then it's yours. :'''Belle''': Oh, thank you so much. :''[Cut to Belle and Beast in background, with Objects including Chip in foreground watching them.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, would you look at that? :'''Lumière''': Ha ha! I knew it would work. :'''Chip''': What? What works? :'''Cogsworth''': It's very encouraging. :'''Featherduster''': Isn't this exciting! :'''Chip''': I didn't see anything. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Come along, Chip. There's chores to be done in the kitchen. :'''Chip''': But what are they talking about? What's going on? :''[Objects walk away. Fade to breakfast table with Belle at one end and Beast at the other, with Mrs. Potts between them. Belle is served breakfast, and as she begins to eat, she looks at Beast, gobbling up his food with no table manners whatsoever. Chip laughs, but Mrs. Potts shoots him an admonishing look. Belle turns away and tries to ignore it, but Chip comes to the rescue. He nudges the spoon with his nose, and Beast reaches out for it (very 3-D-ishly). Belle looks at him in wonder as he tries to eat with the spoon, but he has little success. Finally, Belle puts down her spoon and lifts her bowl as if in a toast. Beast looks at the compromise and does the same. They both begin to sip their breakfast out of their bowls. Fade to courtyard where Belle and Beast are feeding the birds.]'' :'''Belle''': There's something sweet / And almost kind / But he was mean / And he was coarse and unrefined. But now he's dear / And so unsure, / I wonder why I didn't see it there before. ''[Belle is trying to attract some birds to Beast, who shoves a handful of seed at them. Finally, she takes a handful and gently spreads it out, creating a trail. One lands in his hands, and he looks up thrilled.]'' :'''Beast''': She glanced this way / I thought I saw / And when we touched / She didn't shudder at my paw / No, it can't be / I'll just ignore / But then she's never looked at me that way before. ''[Belle has ducked around a tree, leaving Beast with the birds. She begins to look doubtful again, but turns her head around the tree and laughs. Beast is covered with birds.]'' :'''Belle''': New, and a bit alarming / Who'd have ever thought that this could be? / True, that he's no Prince Charming / But there's something in him that I simply didn't see. :''[Belle throws a snowball at Beast, who had looked at her proudly after the birds flew away. He begins to gather a large pile of snow. We cut to the Objects, looking out of a window at the two. In the background, Belle throws another snowball at Beast, who drops his huge pile of snow on his head. He chases her around a tree, but she ducks around the other side and sneaks up on him from behind.]'' :'''Lumière''': Well, who'd have thought? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, bless my soul. :'''Cogsworth''': And who'd have known? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, who indeed? :'''Lumière''': And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own? :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's so peculiar. :'''All''': We'll wait and see / A few days more / There may be something there that wasn't there before. :''[Fade to den where Belle sits in front of a roaring fire and reads to Beast. Objects including Chip watch from doorway]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before. :'''Chip''': What? :'''Mrs. Potts''': There may be something there that wasn't there before. :'''Chip''': What's there, mama? :'''Mrs. Potts''': I'll tell you when you're older. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the Beast's lair. He is in the tub getting washed up for the big night with Belle. Lumière is there with him.]'' :'''Lumière''': Tonight is the night! :'''Beast''': ''[hesitantly]'' I'm not sure I can do this. :'''Lumière''': You don't have time to be timid. You must be bold, daring. :'''Beast''': Bold. Daring. ''[Beast has emerged from the tub and shakes himself dry.]'' :'''Lumière''': There will be music. Romantic candlelight, provided myself, and when the time is right, you confess your love. :'''Beast''': ''[Inspired]'' Yes, I -- I con--No, I can't. :'''Lumière''': You care for the girl, don't you? :'''Beast''': More than anything. :'''Lumière''': Well then you must tell her. ''[Coatrack has been cutting Beast's hair. It finishes and steps back.]'' Voila. You look so...so... ''[Cut to shot of Beast in pig-tails and bows.]'' :'''Beast''': Stupid. :'''Lumière''': Not quite the word I was looking for. Perhaps a little more off the top. :''[Coatrack begins to cut and chop again. Cogsworth enters.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Ahem ahem ahem. Your lady awaits. :''[Cut to grand staircase, where Belle descends from the West Wing side in a glittering gold ball gown. She reaches the landing and looks up at Beast, who is standing at the top of the stairs in his dress clothes. He is nudged on by Lumière from behind the curtain, and he descends and meets Belle at the landing. Arm in arm, they descend the last section of stairs and continue on their way to dinner, stopped momentarily by Sultan. Mrs. Potts sings from her cart with Chip on board.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly / Just a little change / Small to say the least / Both a little scared / Neither one prepared / Beauty and the Beast ''[Belle and Beast have moved into the ballroom, where they move through a computer perfect dance sequence. Beast occasionally looks over at Lumière and Cogsworth for their approval. Mrs. Potts and Chip are in the ballroom on their cart.]'' Ever just the same / Ever a surprise / Ever as before, ever just as sure / As the sun will rise / Tale as old as time / Tune as old as song / Bittersweet and strange, / Finding you can change, learning you were wrong / Certain as the sun / Rising in the east / Tale as old as time, / Song as old as rhyme, beauty and the Beast. / Tale as old as time, / Song as old as rhyme, beauty and the Beast. ''[To Chip]'' Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. It's past your bedtime. Good night, love. ''[Chip slides off the end of the cart, and hops out of the room, but comes back for one last look. Belle and Beast have adjourned to the balcony under a starry night.]'' :'''Beast''': Belle? Are you happy here with me? :'''Belle''': ''[Hesitantly]'' Yes. ''[She looks off into the distance]'' :'''Beast''': What is it? :'''Belle''': ''[Looks at him desperately]'' If only I could see my father again, just for a moment. I miss him so much. :'''Beast''': ''[Looks disappointed for a moment, then excited.]'' There is a way. ''[The pair adjourn to Beast's lair, where Beast hands Belle the magic mirror.]'' This mirror will show you anything, anything you wish to see. :'''Belle''': ''[Hesitantly]'' I'd like to see my father, please. ''[The magic mirror shines into life, and Belle turns her head away as it flashes. Then it reveals Maurice fallen in the woods, coughing and lost. Belle is shocked. Beast looks at her with concern.]'' Papa. Oh, no. He's sick, he may be dying. And he's all alone. ''[Beast turns, then looks at the rose, deep in thought.]'' :'''Beast''': Then...then you must go to him. :'''Belle''': What did you say? :'''Beast''': I release you. You're no longer my prisoner. :'''Belle''': You mean...I'm free? :'''Beast''': Yes. :'''Belle''': Oh, thank you. Hold on, Papa. I’m on my way. :'''Beast''': Take it with you so you'll always have a way to look back and remember me. :'''Belle''': Thank you for understanding how much he needs me. ''[Belle turns to leave and Beast looks down in depression. She touches her hand to his cheek and rushes out. We see Belle's skirt fly past Cogsworth, who has entered the room.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Well, your highness I have to say that everything it's going great I knew that she was capable. :'''Beast''': I let her go. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, yes. Splen-- ''[realizes what the Beast just said]'' You what? How could you do that? :'''Beast''': I had to. :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, but why? :'''Beast''': Because... I love her. :''[Cut to Cogsworth telling the rest of the Objects about Beast's decision.]'' :'''All''': ''[except Cogsworth]'' He did '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, I'm afraid it's true. :'''Chip:''' She's going away? :'''Lumière''': But he was so close. :'''Mrs. Potts''': After all this time, he's finally learned to love. :'''Lumière''': That's it, then. That should break the spell. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But it's not enough. She has to love him in return. :'''Cogsworth''': And now it's too late. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to Beast watching Belle leave from above. He roars in sorrow and anger. His roar turns into the sound of the wind. Belle is out in the snow.]'' :'''Belle''': Papa? Papa? ''[gasps]'' :''[Finally, she finds him face down in a snowbank. They return home, where LeFou is still waiting, disguised as a snowman.]'' :'''LeFou''': Oh, they're back. :''[Cut to black. POV of Maurice as his eyes open. He sees Belle.]'' :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''Belle''': It's all right, Papa. I'm home. :'''Maurice''': I thought I'd never see you again. :'''Belle''': I missed you so much. :'''Maurice''': But the Beast. How did you escape? :'''Belle''': I didn't escape, Papa. He let me go. :'''Maurice''': That horrible Beast? :'''Belle''': But he's different, now. He's changed somehow. :''[There is a sound coming from Belle's pack. The flap opens and the magic mirror falls out with Chip rolling to a stop on it.]'' :'''Chip''': Hi! :'''Belle''': Oh, a stowaway. :'''Maurice''': Why, hello there, little fella. Didn't think I'd ever see you again. ''[Chip turns to Belle with a look of question on his face.]'' :'''Chip''': Belle, why'd you go away? Don't you like us anymore? :'''Belle''': Oh, Chip. Of course I do. It's just that-- :''[There is a knocking at the door. Belle opens it and Monsieur D'Arque stands on the porch.]'' :'''Belle''': May I help you? :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I've come to collect your father. :'''Belle''': My father? :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Don't worry, mademoiselle. We'll take good care of him. :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy. :'''LeFou''': He was raving like a lunatic. We all heard him, didn't we! :'''Bystanders''': Yes! :'''Belle''': No, I won't let you. :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''LeFou''': Maurice. Tell us again, old man, just how big was the Beast? :'''Maurice''': Well, he was... that is... enormous. I'd say at least eight, no more like ten feet. :'''LeFou''': Well, you don't get much crazier than that. :'''Maurice''': It's true, I tell you! :'''LeFou''': Get him out of here! :'''Maurice''': Let go of me! :'''Belle''': No, you can't do this! :'''Gaston''': Poor Belle. It's a shame about your father. :'''Belle''': You know he's not crazy, Gaston. :'''Gaston''': Hmm. I think I might be able to clear up this little misunderstanding, if... :'''Belle''': If what? :'''Gaston''': If you marry me. :'''Belle''': What? :'''Gaston''': One little word, Belle. That's all it takes. :'''Belle''': Never! :'''Gaston''': Have it your way. :'''Maurice''': Belle? Let go of me! :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy and I can prove it! Show me the Beast! :'''Woman #1''': Is it dangerous? :'''Belle''': Oh, no, no. He'd never hurt anyone. Please, I know he looks vicious, but he's really kind and gentle. He's my friend. :'''Gaston''': If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster. :'''Belle''': He's no monster, Gaston. You are! :'''Gaston''': She's as crazy as the old man! The Beast will make off with your children! He'll come after them in the night! :'''Belle''': No! :'''Gaston''': We're not safe until his head is mounted on my wall! I say we kill the Beast! :''[Mob cheers him and repeats the words 'kill him'.]'' :'''Man #1''': We're not safe until he's dead. :'''Man #2''': He'll come stalkin' us at night! :'''Woman #1''': Set to sacrifice our children to his monstrous appetite! :'''Man #3''': He'll wreak havoc on our village / If we let him wander free. :'''Gaston''': So, it's time, to take some action, boys, it's tiiime, tooo, folloooww, meeeeee!!!!!! ''[Gaston throws a torch into a haystack, creating an instant bonfire. He begins to prance around it, warning of the dangers of the horrible Beast.]'' Through the mist, through the woods / Through the darkness and the shadows / It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride. / Say a prayer, then we're there / At the drawbridge of a castle, And there's something truly terrible inside. ''[Gaston chases LeFou around, mimicking a monster.]'' It's a Beast, He's got fangs, razor sharp ones / Massive paws, Killer claws for the feast ''[Magic mirror shows the face of Beast to LeFou, which Gaston exaggerates about.]'' Hear him roar, see him foam, But we're not comin' home, Until he's dead / Good and dead, kill the Beast! :'''Belle''': ''[Interjecting]'' No, I won't let you do this. :'''Gaston''': If you're not with us, you're against us. Bring the old man. ''[Gaston is snatched the mirror and clutches the pants]'' :'''Maurice''': Get your hands off me! ''[Gaston throws them into the basement and bolts the door.]'' :'''Gaston''': We can't have them runnin' off to warn the creature! :'''Belle''': <big>'''''LET US OUT!!!'''''</big> :'''Gaston''': ''[To the crowd]'' We'll rid the village of this Beast. '''''Who's with me?''''' :''[A chorus of "I am"s comes from the crowd]'' :'''Mob''': Light your torch, mount your horse! :'''Gaston''': Screw your courage to the sticking place :'''Mob''': We're countin' on Gaston to lead the way! Through a mist, to a wood, Where within a haunted castle, Something's lurking that you don't see every day! ''[Gaston leads the Mob through the town and out into the forest, where they start chopping trees in preparation for their assault on the castle.]'' It's a Beast, One as tall as a mountain! We won't rest / Until he's good and deceased! Sally forth, tally ho, Grab your sword, grab your bow / Praise the Lord and here we go! :'''Gaston''': <big>'''''WE'LL LAY SIEGE TO HIS CASTLE AND BRING BACK HIS HEAD!!!'''''</big> :''[Cut to interior of basement, where Belle is prying at the window with a stick.]'' :'''Belle''': I have to warn the Beast. This is all my fault. Oh, Papa. What are we going to do? :'''Maurice''': ''[Comforting her]'' Now, now. We'll think of something. ''[We see Chip looking in through the window. He turns around, thinking, and then he sees Maurice's contraption with the axe on the end of it.]'' :'''Mob''': We don't like, what we don't / Understand, it frankly scares us / And this monster is mysterious at least! Bring your guns, bring your knives, Save your children and your wives, We'll save our village and our lives, We'll kill the Beast! :'''Cogsworth''': I knew it, I knew it was foolish to get our hopes up. :'''Lumière''': Maybe it would have been better if she had never come at all. ''[Sultan comes in barking. They rush over to the window expecting the return of Belle.]'' Could it be? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Is it she? :'''Lumière''': ''[Realizing the Mob is not Belle]'' Sacre bleu, invaders! :'''Cogsworth''': Encroachers! :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[Seeing Gaston]'' And they have the mirror! :'''Cogsworth''': ''[Issuing orders]'' Warn the master. If it's a fight they want, we'll be ready for them. ''[Turns around from window]'' Who's with me? Aahh! :''[The door is slammed as the rest of the Objects leave Cogsworth behind.]'' :'''Gaston''': Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine! :''[Cut to stairway, where Objects are marching down to do battle with the Mob.]'' :'''Objects''': Hearts ablaze, banners high! We go marching into battle, Unafraid, although the danger just increased! :'''Mob''': Raise the flag, sing the song / Here we come, we're fifty strong, and 50 Frenchmen can't be wro-o-o-ong, Let's kill the Beast! :''[Cut to interior of Beast's lair, where Mrs. Potts is briefing him.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Pardon me, master. :'''Beast''': Leave me in peace. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But sir, the castle is under attack! :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast! :''[The Objects have tried to block off the door, but it is being bashed in by the Mob.]'' :'''Lumière''': This isn't working! :'''Featherduster''': Oh, Lumière! We must do something! :'''Lumière''': Wait! I know! :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast! :''[Cut to Beast's lair]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': What shall we do, master? :'''Beast''': ''[Still very sad]'' It doesn't matter now. Just let them come. :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast, kill the Beast!! ''[The Mob succeeds in breaking in, and finds a grand entrance filled with assorted pieces of furniture, teacups, candlesticks, Featherdusters and clocks. They tiptoe in, and LeFou unknowingly picks up Lumière.]'' :'''Lumière''': '''''NOW!!!''''' ''[All the Objects spring into life, attacking their human enemies. Cut back to Belle's home, where Chip has readied the invention with purple smoke.]'' :'''Chip''': Yes! Here we go! :''[Chip has a rise in Maurice's invention with a violin sounds louder. Maurice looks out from the window and sees the advancing axe.]'' :'''Maurice''': What the devil? Belle, look out! :''[The invention crashes into the door, and a red cloud of smoke poofs out of the basement. Belle and Maurice emerge from the wreckage to find Chip swinging on a loose spring.]'' :'''Chip''': You guys gotta try this thing. :''[Cut back to the castle where the attack continues.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Up here, you scurvy scum! Now! ''[She and all the cups pour boiling tea on the guy's head.]'' :''[Cut back to the castle where the attack continues. Meanwhile, Gaston has broken off from the Mob, and is searching out Beast. Belle, Maurice, Philippe and Chip are making their way to the castle. Finally, the invaders (a la Invaders storm in '''[[w:Willow (1988 film)|Willow]]''').]'' :'''Stove''': Roaaaar! :'''Tom, Stanley and LeFou''': '''AAAAAAAAH!!''' :'''LeFou''': Move, move, move, move! :''[They are chased out and the Objects celebrate their victory.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': And stay out! ''[Lumière pulls over Cogsworth and kisses him once on each cheek. Cogsworth shakes it off.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to Gaston, who finds Beast's lair. He raises his crossbow and takes aim. Beast looks up at him, then looks back down in sadness again. Gaston releases the arrow and it strikes Beast in the shoulder. He screams in pain and stands. Gaston rushes him and they fly out the window onto the balcony, where it has begun to rain.]'' :'''Gaston''': Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ''[Gaston corners Beast on the edge of the roof. Beast simply sits there in despair.]'' Get up! Get up! What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back? :''[Beast looks down ignoring him. Gaston walks into the foreground and breaks off a piece of the roof. He is about to smash it on Beast's head when Belle's voice drifts up. She is on the bridge and is yelling to Gaston, telling him to stop.]'' :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': Belle. :'''Belle''': No, Gaston, don't! Let's go, Philippe. :'''Gaston''': ''[to Beast]'' <big>'''''COME ON, OUT AND FIGHT?!'''''</big> We're you in love with her, Beast? '''''DID YOU HONESTLY THINK SHE'D WANT YOU WHEN SHE HAD SOMEONE LIKE ME?!''''' :''[The Beast has been provoked enough. He emerges and they fight again]'' :'''Gaston''': It's over, Beast! '''''BELLE IS MINE!!''''' :''[The Beast and Gaston are fighting on top of the castle; the Beast strikes at him, grabs him and holds him over the edge]'' :'''Gaston''': ''[last words]'' Let me go, let me go! Please... don't hurt me! I'll do anything! '''''ANYTHING!!!!''''' :''[The Beast glares with fury, then his anger slowly melts as he realizes that Gaston's what he could've become. He pulls Gaston back in and close to his face]'' :'''Beast''': ''[in a calm, but tranquil fury manner]'' Get out. ''[shoves Gaston to the ground]'' :'''Belle''': ''[comes out on the balcony]'' Beast! :'''Beast''': Belle. ''[begins to climb the tower until he reaches the balcony. He hangs over the side]'' Belle? ''[they reached their hands as they reunite]'' You came back. :''[The Beast and Belle stare passionately at each other, but the moment is interrupted when Gaston sneaks up and stubs the Beast in the back with a knife. The Beast roars in pain and Gaston pulls the knife out and swings back for another shot. The Beast starts to fall, knocks over Gaston off his balances. Belle reaches forward and pulls the Beast back, while Gaston falls off into the castle moats to his deaths with a scream. Belle helps the injured Beast up onto the balcony, where he lies down on the floor. The servants come rushing out but stay out of sight. The Beast lays dying with Belle at his side; meanwhile, the rose is down to its last petal, weakly]'' :'''Beast''': You... You came back. :'''Belle''': Of course, I came back. I couldn't let them.... ''[hugs the Beast]'' Oh, this is all my fault. If only I'd gotten here sooner. :'''Beast''': Maybe it's better...it's better this way. :'''Belle''': Don't talk like that. You'll be all right. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine. You'll see. :'''Beast''': ''[last words; reaches up and touches Belle's cheek]'' At least...I got to see you...1 last time. ''[his paw falls and his eyes close as he dies]'' :'''Belle''': ''[gasps]'' No. No. Please. Please. Please don't leave me. ''[sobs]'' I love you. ''[The last petal falls away, leaving Cogsworth, Lumière, and Mrs. Potts distraught; suddenly, a magical shower falls around the Beast and Belle, and the Beast rises into the air, turning into a human prince Adam, whose name was Prince Adam; then, he lands on the ground and when he gets up, he turns toward Belle]'' :'''Prince Adam''': Belle... it's me. :'''Belle''': ''[looks into his eyes and recognizes him from the portrait]'' It ''is'' you! :''[They kiss, a fireworks display explodes around them. The gloom surrounding, the castle disappears, revealing a blue sky]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; The castle is transformed, with the gargoyles changing into cherubs. Finally, we return to the balcony, where the servants hop out to meet Prince Adam and Belle. One by one, they are transformed back to their original human conditions]'' :'''Prince Adam''': Lumiere! Cogsworth! Oh, Mrs. Potts! Look at us! ''[Chip comes riding in on Footstool]'' :'''Chip''': Mama! Mama! ''[The pair transforms back into a boy and dog]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[Picking up her boy]'' Oh, my goodness! :'''Lumière''': It is a miracle! :'''Belle''': How wonderful! ''[Prince Adam picks up Belle and swings her around. The ruffles of her skirt wipe to the ballroom, where all are gathered to celebrate, Prince Adam and Belle dance around the room as the rest at the characters]'' :'''Lumière''': Ah, l'amour. ''[Lumière says this, and a maid, obviously the former Featherduster walks by, brushing him on the chin; chuckles, starts to chase after her, but Cogsworth stops him]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Well, Lumiere, old friend. Shall we let bygones be bygones? :'''Lumière''': Of course, mon ami. I told you she would break the spell. :'''Cogsworth''': I beg your pardon, old friend, but I believe I told you. :'''Lumière''': No, you didn't. I told you. :'''Cogsworth''': You most certainly did not, you pompous paraffin-headed pea-brain! :'''Lumière''': En garde, you overgrown pocket watch! ''[Lumière takes off his glove and slaps Cogsworth across the face with it. They begin to fight. Cut to Belle and Prince Adam who continue to dance around the floor. The camera stops on Mrs. Potts, Chip and Maurice, who is beginning to crying]'' :'''Chip''': Are they going to live happily ever after, Mama? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Of course, my dear. Of course. :'''Chip''': ''[tiny pauses]'' Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard? ''[Maurice laughs and Mrs. Potts hugs her child and laughs. Cut to a camera looking over the entire ballroom with all in the shot. It slowly zooms out with Belle and Prince Adam dancing around the room, and fades into the final stained glass window, this one with Belle and Prince Adam in the center, surrounded by the rest of the characters]'' :'''Chorus''': Certain as the sun / Rising in the east / Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast!| Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast! ===Special Edition Release=== :'''Cogsworth''': Right then! You all know why we're here. We have exactly 12 hours, 36 minutes, and 15 seconds to create the most magical, spontaneous, romantic atmosphere known to man or beast. ''[Chuckles weakly]'' "Or beast.." Right. Need I remind you that if the last petal falls from this rose, the spell will never be broken! Very well. You all know your assignments. Half of you to the West Wing, half of you to the East Wing, the rest of you, come with me. :'''Lumière''': Hoho, lighten up Cogsworth, and let nature take its course. :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's obvious there's a spark between them. :'''Cogsworth''': Yes yes yes... But there's no harm in fanning the flames. You know, a little. Besides, they must fall in love tonight if we ever expect to be human again. :'''Lumière''': Aaah...human again... :'''Mrs. Potts''': Human again... :'''Lumière''': Yes, think what that means... ''[singing]'' I'll be cooking again, be good-looking again, With a mademoiselle on each arm / When I'm human again, only human again / Poised and polish and gleaming with charm / I'll be courting again, chic and sporting again :'''Mrs. Potts''': Which should cause several husbands alarm :'''Lumière''': ''(Ha, ha!)'' I'll hop down off this shelf, and tout de suite be myself, :'''Lumière, Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth''': I can't wait to be human again :'''Essentials''': When we're human again, only human again / When we're knickknacks and whatnots no more / When we're human again, good and human again :'''Wardrobe''': O, chérie, won't it all be top drawer? I'll wear lipstick and rouge / And I won't be so huge / Why, I'll easily fit through that door / I'll exude savoir faire / I'll wear gowns, I'll have hair / It's my prayer to be human again :'''Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth''': When we're human again, only human again / When the world once more starts making sense :'''Cogsworth''': I'll unwind, for a change :'''Lumière''': Really? That'd be strange :'''Cogsworth''': Can I help it if I'm t-t-tense? In a shack by the sea, I'll sit back, sipping tea Let my early retirement commence Far from fools made of wax, I'll get down to brass tacks and real-A-A-A-x! :'''Chorus''': When I'm human again! So sweep the dust from the floor / Let's let some light in the room / I can feel, I can tell someone might break the spell any day now / Shine up the brass on the door / Alert the dust pail and broom / If it all goes as planned our time may be at hand any day now :'''Fifi and the maids''': Open the shutters and let in some air :'''Mrs. Potts''': Put these here and put those over there :'''Chorus''': Sweep up the years, the sadness and tears and throw them away / We'll be human again, only human again / When the girl finally sets us all free / Cheeks a-blooming again, we're assuming again / We'll resume our long-lost joie de vivre / We'll be playing again, holidaying again / And we're praying it's ASAP / Little push, little shove / They could both fall in love / And we'll finally be human again... :''[Transition to the library]'' :'''Belle''': "...For there never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo." :'''Beast''': Could you read it again? :'''Belle''': Well, here. Why don't you read it to me? :'''Beast''': Uhhh...Alright. Hmm...I-I can't. :'''Belle''': You mean you never learned? :'''Beast''': I learned, a little. It's just been so long. :'''Belle''': Well here, I'll help you. Let's start...here. :'''Beast''': Here, twoe...? :'''Belle''': Two. :'''Beast''': Two, I knew that. Two households, both alike in dignity... :''[sung]'' :'''Chorus''': We'll be dancing again, we'll be twirling again / We'll whirling around with such ease / When we're human again, only human again / We'll go waltzing those old one-two-threes / We'll be floating again, we'll be gliding again /Stepping, striding, as fine as you please / Like a real human does, I'll be all that I was / On that glorious morn, when we're finally re-born / And we're all of us human again! ==CELINE DION & PEABO BRYSON lyrics (Beauty and the Beast)== :'''Celine Dion''': Ooh, ooh / Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly :'''Peabo Bryson''': Just a little change / Small, to say the least / Both a little scared / Neither one prepared :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Beauty and the beast / Ever just the same / Ever a surprise / Ever as before / Ever just as sure / As the sun will rise :'''Peabo Bryson''': Whoa, whoa-oh, whoa, oh :'''Celine Dion''': Ohh, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Ever just the same :'''Peabo Bryson''': Yeah / Ever a surprise :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Ever as before :'''Celine Dion''': Ever just as sure :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': As the sun will rise :'''Peabo Bryson''': Oh, oh, oh :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Peabo Bryson''': Ooh-ooh, ohh-ooh :'''Celine Dion''': Tune as old as song :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Bittersweet and strange / Finding you can change / Learning you were wrong :'''Peabo Bryson''': Certain as the sun :'''Celine Dion''': Certain as the sun :'''Peabo Bryson''': Rising in the east :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Peabo Bryson''': Song as old as rhyme :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Beauty and the beast :'''Peabo Bryson''': Oh Oh, whoa-oh :'''Celine Dion''': Ooh / Beauty and the beast == About ''Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)'' == * Well, originally when we were planning the big elaborate dance sequence that would include a moving camera craning up to the ceiling on the characters that would really have more of a live action feel to them—there was always this nagging doubt in our minds that it wasn't going to work at all (laughs). We had sort of a back-up plan just in case, if none of this works we'll just turn off all the lights and Bella and the Beast will be dancing in a little spotlight in a darkened room like an ice skating show (laughs). Fortunately, when we got the first piece of test film back, it was amazingly breathtaking, made a big sigh of relief because we knew it was going to work. * We actually designed all the camera movement first and animated the characters to match that. * We created computer generated stand-ins, the ballroom was sort of a chicken-wire kind of thing and Bella & the Beast were represented by these box and egg sort of things. * You have to make all the same decisions that a live action director would have to make. Everything from where to put the camera to what the emotional tone of the scene is going to be, in addition to answering all the questions about costume design and weather and color and all the numerous elements that go into making the scene. We're there every step of the way from the very first crude character designs and early storyboards to how loud the footsteps of the Beast should be as he's walking across the marble floor. We shepherd the process from beginning to end. ** [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]] [http://www.bigmoviezone.com/articles/index.html?uniq=84] == Cast (voices) == * [[w:Paige O'Hara|Paige O'Hara]] – B. la Belle the Beauty * [[w:Rex Everhart|Rex Everhart]] – Maurice * [[w:Robby Benson|Robby Benson]] – Master B. le Bête the Beast/Prince Adam * [[w:Richard White (actor)|Richard White]] – Gaston * [[w:Jerry Orbach|Jerry Orbach]] – Monsieur Lumière the Candelabra * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] – Narrator, Sir Cogsworth the Clock * [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] – Mrs. Potts the Teapot * [[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] – Claudette Bimbette, Laurette Bimbette * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] – Paulette Bimbette * [[w:Jesse Corti|Jesse Corti]] – Monsieur LeFou * [[w:Bradley Pierce|Bradley Pierce]] – Chip Potts the Teacup * [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] – Fifi Plumette Featherduster * [[w:Hal Smith|Hal Smith]] – Philippe B. the Horse * [[w:Jack Angel|Jack Angel]] – Tavern Man, Tom * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] – Dick * [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] – Stanley * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Patrick Pinney]] – Walter * Mickie McGowan – French Peasant Woman * Carole Jeghers – Woman holding the baby == External links == {{wikipedia|Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0101414|title=Beauty and the Beast}} {{Disney's Beauty and the Beast}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)]] [[Category:1991 animated films]] [[Category:1991 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's films]] [[Category:Gary Trousdale films]] [[Category:Kirk Wise films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Best Original Score Academy Award winners]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] e9kyz6aavsexuw8v88f3eolhytpoypb 3944640 3944639 2026-05-23T23:05:03Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944640 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Beauty and the Beast in a Disneyland parade.JPG|thumb|right|In a Walt Disney World parade.]] '''''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|The Beauty and the Beast]]''''', also known as simply '''''Beauty and the Beast''''', '''''The Beauty and Beast''''' or '''''Beauty and Beast''''', is an American [[w:1991 in film|1991 animated film]] about a prince cursed to spend his days as a hideous monster who sets out to regain his humanity by earning a young woman's love. It was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. :''Directed by [[w:Gary Trousdale|Gary Trousdale]] and [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]]. Written by [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]'', based on the [[w:Beauty and the Beast|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve|Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve]], and based on 18th-century France, Paris. :''Music by [[Alan Menken]]'' and includes "[[w:Beauty and the Beast (Disney song)|Beauty and the Beast]]". Written by [[w:Howard Ashman|Howard Ashman]] and performed by [[w:Peabo Brysonf|Peabo Bryson]] and [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]]. {{center|'''The most beautiful love story ever told.'''}} == Belle == * What is this place? Phillipe, please, steady. ''[enters the gate and sees Maurice's hat on the ground]'' Papa. * That's funny, I'm sure there was someone... I-I-Is there anyone here? * He's no monster, Gaston. You are! * ''[gasps]'' No... no! No, please... Please don't leave me... ''[she sobs softly, laying her face against his chest]'' I love you... == Prince Adam/The Beast == * Yes... but you must promise to stay here forever. * The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the west wing. ''['''Belle''': What's in the West--] [growls]'' It's forbidden! * You will join me for dinner! THAT'S NOT A REQUEST! == Gaston == * ''['''LeFou''': So, how'd it go?]'' I'll have Belle for my wife. Make no mistake about that. * Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine! * If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster. * What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back? == Lumière == * Ma chère, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pride pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner. * Don't you see? She's the one. The girl we have been waiting for. She has come to break the spell! == Cogsworth == * Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch. * Dinner is served. == Mrs. Potts == * How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time. * Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman. == Chip Potts == * Mama. There's a girl in the castle. * You guys gotta try this thing. == Maurice == * If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. Yes, is that everything? I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow, I... I'll get her out of there. * Hitch up Philippe, girl. I'm off to the fair! == Others == * '''Tavern Man''': Maurice? * '''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father in the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[They both nod in agreement]'' Oh, that is despicable. I love it! * '''Tom''': Who? * '''Dick''': Is it a big beast? * '''Stanley''': With a long, ugly snout? * '''Walter''': And sharp, cruel fangs? == Dialogue == :'''Narrator''': ''[first lines]'' Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast? :''[We have seen a progression of stained glass windows illustrating the narration, as well as Beast shredding his portrait, the camera slowly zooms out from the castle. A girl with beautiful, long, flowing and wavy brown hair tied up in a low ponytail tied up by a ribbon captivating, large, striking, expressive and round hazel eyes, full pink lips, fair skin, rosy cheeks, full, soft and slightly arched eyebrows, small and petite duchess nose, a heart-shaped round face and a sculpted, slim and well-proportioned figure, wearing a medium-length cerulean blue sleeveless dress with a white long puffy-sleeved shirt with a puffy collar underneath, a white apron around her waist, a white petticoat, and dark brown ballet flats with darker brown soles on her feet, her name is Belle. She exits the front door and begins her walk into town like '''[[Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' Little town, it's a quiet village / Every day, like the one before / Little town, full of little people / Waking up to say? :'''Townsfolk #1''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #2''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #3''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #4''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #5''': Bonjour! :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' There goes the baker with his tray like always / The same old bread and rolls to sell / Every mornin' just the same / Since the mornin' that we came / To this poor provincial town... :'''Baker''': Good mornin', Belle! :''[Belle jumps over to the bakery]'' :'''Belle''': Mornin' monsieur! :'''Baker''': Where are you off to? :'''Belle''': The bookshop! I just finished the most wonderful story, about a beanstalk and an ogre and... :'''Baker''': ''[ignoring her]'' That's nice...Marie, the baguettes! Hurry up!! :'''Townsfolk''': Look there she goes, that girl is strange no question / Dazed and distracted, can't you tell? :'''Woman #1''': Never part of any crowd :'''Barber''': Cause her head's up on some cloud :'''Townsfolk''': No denying she's a funny girl, that Belle! :'''Driver''': Bonjour! :'''Woman #2''': Good day! :'''Driver''': How is your family? :'''Woman #3''': Bonjour! :'''Merchant''': Good day! :'''Woman #3''': How is your wife? :'''Woman #4''': I need six eggs! :'''Man #1''': That's too expensive! :'''Belle''': There must be more than this provincial life! :''[Belle enters the bookshop]'' :'''Bookseller''': Ah, Belle! :'''Belle''': Good mornin'. I've come to return the book I borrowed. :'''Bookseller''': ''[putting the book back on the shelf]'' Finished already? :'''Belle''': Oh, I couldn't put it down! Have you got anything new? :'''Bookseller''': ''[laughing]'' Not since yesterday. :'''Belle''': ''[on ladder of bookshelf]'' That's all right. I'll borrow... this one. :'''Bookseller''': That one? But you've read it twice! :'''Belle''': Well, it's my favorite! ''[Belle swings off side of ladder, rolling down it's track]'' Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! :'''Bookseller''': ''[handing her the book]'' Well, if you like it all that much, it's yours! :'''Belle''': But sir! :'''Bookseller''': I insist! :'''Belle''': Well, thank you. Thank you, very much! ''[leaves bookshop]'' :'''Men''': ''[looking in window, then turning to watch her]'' Look there she goes / That girl is so peculiar! / I wonder if she's feeling well! :'''Women''': With a dreamy far-off look! :'''Men''': And her nose stuck in a book! :'''All''': What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle! ''[Belle sits on the edge of a fountain, singing to a flock of sheep and the washing woman in the background, who leaves]'' :'''Belle''': Ohhhhh, isn't this amazing! / It's my favorite part because, you'll see! / Here's where she meets Prince Charming / But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three! :'''Woman #5''': Now it's no wonder that her name means 'beauty' / Her looks have got no parallel! :'''Merchant''': But behind that fair facade / I'm afraid she's rather odd / Very different from the rest of us... :'''All''': She's nothing like the rest of us / Yes different from the rest of us is Belle. :'''LeFou''': ''[first words]'' Wow! You didn't miss a shot, Gaston! You're the greatest hunter in the whole world! :'''Gaston''': ''[first words]'' I know! :'''LeFou''': Huh. No beast alive stands a chance against you...and no girl for that matter! :'''Gaston''': It's true, LeFou, and I've got my sights set on that one! ''[pointing to Belle]'' :'''LeFou''': The inventor's daughter? :'''Gaston''': She's the one! The lucky girl I'm going to marry. :'''LeFou''': But she's-- :'''Gaston''': The most beautiful girl in town. :'''LeFou''': I know-- :'''Gaston''': And that makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best? :'''LeFou''': Well of course, I mean you do, but I mean... :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' Right from the moment when I met her, saw her / I said she's gorgeous and I fell / Here in town there's only she ''[Belle walks by and away]'' / Who is beautiful as me / So I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle. :'''Bimbettes''': Look there he goes, isn't he dreamy / Monsieur Gaston, oh he's so cute / Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing / He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute. ''[Belle walks easily through the crowd of people in the town, Gaston struggles to catch up to her]'' :'''Man #1''': Bonjour! :'''Man #2''': Good day! :'''Man #3''': Mais oui! :'''Woman #1''': You call this bacon? :'''Woman #2''': What lovely grapes! :'''Man #4''': Some cheese! :'''Woman #3''': 10 yards! :'''Man #4''': 1 pound! :'''Gaston''': Excuse me! :'''Man #4''': I'll get the knife! :'''Gaston''': Please let me through! :'''Woman #4''': This bread, it's stale! :'''Man #5''': Those fish! They smell! :'''Man #6''': Madame's mistaken! :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' There must be more than this provincial life! :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' Just watch I'm going to make Belle my wife! ''[Townsfolk gather around Gaston, and eventually surround him]'' :'''Chorus''': Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special / A most peculiar mademoiselle / It's a pity and a sin / She doesn't quite fit in! / 'Cause she really is a funny girl! / A beauty but a funny girl / She really is a funny girl! / That Belle!? :'''Gaston''': Bonjour! Whoa-oh! ''[song ends; to Belle]'' Hello, Belle. :'''Belle''': Bonjour, Gaston. ''[Gaston grabs the book from Belle]'' Gaston, may I have my book, please? :'''Gaston''': How can you read this? There's no pictures! :'''Belle''': Well, some people use their imagination. :'''Gaston''': Belle, it's about time you got your head out of those books, ''[tossing book into the mud]'' and paid attention to more important things. Like me. The whole town's talking about it. ''[The Bimbettes, who are looking on, sighing romantically. Belle has picked up the book and is cleaning off the mud]'' It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking. :'''Belle''': Gaston, you are positively primeval. :'''Gaston''': ''[putting his hand around her shoulders]'' Why, thank you, Belle. What do you say you and me take a walk over to the tavern, and take a look at my trophies? :'''Belle''': Maybe some other time. :'''Bimbette #1''': What's the matter with her? :'''Bimbette #2''': She's crazy! :'''Bimbette #3''': He's gorgeous. :'''Belle''': Please, Gaston, I can't. I have to get home to help my father. Goodbye. :'''LeFou''': Ha ha ha, that crazy old loon, he needs all the help he can get! ''[he and Gaston laugh heartily]'' :'''Belle''': ''[angrily]'' Don't you talk about my father that way. :'''Gaston''': Yeah, don't talk about her father that way! ''[conks LeFou on the head]'' :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy! He's a genius! ''[explosion in background. Gaston and LeFou continue laughing. She rushes home and descends into the basement; coughed]'' Papa?! :'''Maurice''': How on earth did that happen? ''[Belle coughs again]'' Doggone it! ''[pulls the barrel off his waist, along with his pants]'' :'''Belle''': Are you alright, Papa? :'''Maurice''': I'm about ready to give up on this hunk of junk! ''[kicks the machine]'' :'''Belle''': You always say that. :'''Maurice''': I mean it this time! I'll never get this boneheaded contraption to work! :'''Belle''': Yes, you will. And you'll win first prize at the fair tomorrow. :'''Maurice''': Hmmmph! :'''Belle''': And become a world-famous inventor. :'''Maurice''': You really believe that? :'''Belle''': I always have. :'''Maurice''': Well, what are we waitin' for? I'll have this thin' fixed in no time. Hand me that... The dog-legged clincher there. So, did you have a good time in town today? :'''Belle''': I got a new book. Papa, do you think I'm odd? :'''Maurice''': My daughter? Odd? Ha! Where would you get an idea like that? :'''Belle''': I don't know. It's just that I'm not sure I fit in here. There's no one I can really talk to. :'''Maurice''': What about that Gaston? He's a handsome fella. :'''Belle''': He's handsome, all right, and rude and conceited and... Oh, Papa, he's not for me. :'''Maurice''': Well, don't you worry. Cause this invention's gonna be the start of a new life for us. ''[comes out from under machine]'' I think that's done it. Now, let's give it a try. :''[Machine whirs and chops wood, just as it should]'' :'''Belle''': It works! :'''Maurice''': It does? It does! :'''Belle''': You did it! You really did it! :'''Maurice''': Hitch up Philippe, girl. I'm off to the fair! :''[Log strikes him in the head, knocking him out. Fade to later in the day]'' :'''Belle''': Goodbye, Papa! Good luck! :'''Maurice''': Goodbye, Belle, and take care while I'm gone! :''[Fade to the deep forest, night. After a few hours of traveling, it seems obvious that they are lost, after Belle plays the violin. Philippe walks on cautiously, frightened out of his wits]'' :'''Maurice''': We should be there by now. ''[above them, an owl hoots, adding to the spookiness of the environment]'' Maybe we missed a turn. I guess I should have taken... wait a minute. ''[raising his lantern toward a sign with arrows pointing in separate directions, though the writing is faded and unreadable. Philippe snorts, and whinnies to go one fashion, but he pulls his reins in the separate direction]'' No, let's go this way! ''[Philippe whinnies and looks at the path Maurice has picked. It is dark and foggy with light blue clouds, with many trees forming an archway. Then he looks at the other path, which is much more inviting. Philippe whinnies to go on the safer path, but he pulls him toward the other one]'' Come on, Philippe, it's a shortcut! We'll be there in no time. ''[the two continue down the path, albeit slowly due to Philippe, fearing what can be lurking about in the darkness. At that moment, a shadow whisks past them and the sound of wolf howling fills the air, spooking Philippe whinnies; looking at his map]'' This can't be right. Where have you taken us, Philippe? We'd better turn around. ''[suddenly, the howling becomes louder. Philippe whinnies to back up, afraid of whatever might be around them]'' Whoa. Whoa, boy. Whoa, now. Whoa, Philippe. ''[but the spooked horse does not stop in time, and bumps into a hollow tree. A flocks of bats swarm out and surround them]'' Look out! No! ''[Philippe runs off in fear, not noticing where he's going]'' Whoa! Whoa, boy! ''[eventually, his steed stops until he sees where he is; at the edge of a very tall cliff]'' Back up! Back up! Back up! ''[they back off slowly, yet afraid to an inch of their lives]'' Good boy, good boy. That's good, that's–back up! Steady. Steady! Now, steady. Steady. ''[the howling is now so loud, Philippe whinnying]'' Oh, no, Philippe?! ''[looks up and sees wolves growling at him. Maurice runs away, being chased by the wolves. He stumbles down a hill, and lands at the gate of a castle. He grabs the locked gate and tries to shake it open]'' Help! Is... Is someone there? Help! :''[The gate opens, and Maurice runs in. He slams the gate in the faces of the wolves. Leaving his hat on the ground as the rain begins to fall, Maurice runs to the castle and bangs on the door. It creaks open and he enters, cautiously]'' :'''Maurice''': Hello? Hello? :''[Watching from a table near the entrance are Lumière and Cogsworth]'' :'''Lumière''': ''[barely whispering]'' Poor fellow must have lost his way in the woods. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[also whispering]'' Keep quiet! Maybe he'll go away. :'''Maurice''': Is someone there? :'''Cogsworth''': Not a word, Lumiere. Not one word! :'''Maurice''': I don't mean to intrude, but I've lost my horse and I need a place to stay for the night. :'''Lumière''': ''[looking at Cogsworth like a child having just found a lost puppy]'' Oh, Cogsworth, have a heart. :'''Cogsworth''': Shush shush shhhhh! ''[puts hand over Lumière's mouth, who promptly proceeds to touch his lit candle hand to Cogsworth's hand]'' Ow, ow! '''''OW, OW, OW, OUCH!!!!!''''' :'''Lumière''': Of course, monsieur, you are welcome here. :'''Maurice''': ''[looking around in confusion]'' Who said that? :''[He picks up the candlestick for light, not realizing that the speaker is in his hand]'' :'''Lumière''': ''[tapping him on the shoulder]'' Over here! :'''Maurice''': ''[spins around, pulling Lumière to the other side]'' Where? :'''Lumière''': ''[taps Maurice on the side of the head. Maurice looks at Lumière]'' Hello! :'''Maurice''': Oh!!!! ''[startled, he drops Lumière onto the floor]'' Incredible! :'''Cogsworth''': ''[hopping over]'' Well, now you've done it, Lumière. Splendid, just peachy--aaarrrgghh! :''[Maurice picks up Cogsworth]'' :'''Maurice''': How is this accomplished? :''[He fiddles with Cogsworth]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Put me down! At once! ''[Maurice tickles the bottoms of Cogsworth's feet. He laughs. He begins to wind the spring on the back of Cogsworth's head, twisting his face around with the clock hands. Maurice opens the front of Cogsworth and begins to play with his pendulum. Cogsworth slams the door shut on his finger]'' Stop that! Stop that, I say! Sir, close that at once, do you mind! :'''Maurice''': I beg your pardon, it's just that I've never seen a clock that...aah...I mean...aah aah aah-chooo!!! :''[Maurice sneezes in the face of Cogsworth, who proceeds to wipe his face off using his clock hands in a very anachronistic windshield wiper manner. Maurice sniffles, indicating the cold he has caught from being in the rain]'' :'''Lumière''': Oh, you are soaked to the bone, monsieur. Come, warm yourself by the fire. :'''Maurice''': Thank you. :''[Lumière and Maurice head towards the den, with Cogsworth running after them]'' :'''Cogsworth''': No, no, no, do you know what the master would do if he finds you here. ''[Beast is watching the action from an overhead walkway, and rushes off as the trio enters the den]'' I demand that you stop...right...there! ''[Cogsworth tumbles down the steps. Maurice takes a seat in a large chair in front of a roaring fire]'' Oh, no, not the master's chair! ''[Footstool rushes past Cogsworth, barking up a storm]'' I'm not seeing this, I'm not seeing this! :'''Maurice''': ''[as Footstool rushes up to him]'' Well, hello there, boy. ''[Footstool props himself up under the feet of Maurice. Coatrack enters and removes his cloak]'' What service! :'''Cogsworth''': All right, this has gone far enough. I'm in charge here... :''[Cogsworth is run over by the (once again) anachronistic IndyCar sounding teacart of Mrs. Potts]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[arriving by the side of Maurice]'' How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time. :''[Mrs. Potts pours tea into cup, Chip, which hops over into Maurice's open hand]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[from face down position on carpet]'' No! No tea, no tea!!! :'''Chip''': ''[as Maurice sips the tea]'' Ha ha! His mustache tickles, Mama! :'''Maurice''': ''[startled by the cup]'' Oh! Hello! :''[The door to the den slams open and a strong gust of wind blows into the room, extinguishing Lumière's flames and the fire in the fireplace. Cogsworth dives for cover. Mrs. Potts begins to shake. Chip jumps back onto the tea cart and takes refuge from behind his mother]'' :'''Chip''': Uh-oh! :''[Beast enters. We see him in full for the first time. He is on all fours. He looks around in the darkness]'' :'''Beast''': ''[first words; growling his words]'' There's a stranger here. :'''Lumière''': ''[who has relit his flames]'' Master, allow me to explain. The gentleman was lost in the woods and he was cold and wet, so... :''[Lumière's last sentence is drowned out by the very loud growl of Beast, which puts out his flames once again. Lumière looks down, dejected]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[coming out from under a rug]'' Master, I'd like to take this moment to say, I was against this from the start. It was all his fault. I tried to stop them, but would they listen to me? No, no... ''[Again, Beast's growl drowns out Cogsworth]'' :''[The Beast barges in to see Maurice getting settled in the castle]'' :'''Beast''': Who are you?! What are you doing here?! :'''Maurice''': I-I-I was lost in the woods and-- :'''Beast''': You're not '''WELCOME HERE!''' :'''Maurice''': I-I'm...I'm sorry. :'''Beast''': What are you '''STARING AT?!''' :'''Maurice''': Nothing. :'''Beast''': So...you've come to stare at the '''BEAST, HAVE YOU?!?!''' ''[blocks Maurice's way]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[pleaders]'' Please! I mean no harm, I just needed a place to stay! :'''Beast''': I'll give you a place to stay! ''[picks up Maurice]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[as the Beast takes him to the tower]'' No, no, please! No! No! ''[door slams]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''LeFou''': Heh! Oh boy! Belle's gonna get the surprise of her life, huh Gaston? :'''Gaston''': Yep. This is her lucky day. :''[Gaston lets go of a branch, which swings back and hits LeFou in the mouth. Gaston turns to the band, wedding guests and others, apparently just out of sight of Belle's cottage.]'' :'''Gaston''': I'd like to thank you all for coming to my wedding. But first, I'd better go in there and... propose to the girl. ''[chuckles; the male guests laugh and the Bimbettes sob]'' And you, LeFou. When Belle and I come out that door... :'''LeFou''': Oh, I know! I know! I strike up the band! :''[The band plays "Here Comes the Bride," loud and fast, until Gaston rams a tuba down on LeFou's head]'' :'''Gaston''': Not yet! :'''LeFou''': ''[sticked his lips through the mouthpiece]'' Sorry! :''[There was a knock on the door.]'' :'''Belle''': Gaston, what a pleasant surprise. :'''Gaston''': Isn't it though? I'm just full of surprises. You know, Belle. There's not a girl in town who wouldn't love to be in your shoes. This is the day...''[Gaston pauses by a mirror and licks his teeth clean.]'' This is the day your dreams come true. :'''Belle''': What do you know about my dreams, Gaston? :'''Gaston''': Plenty! Here, picture this. ''[sits, props muddy boots on Belle's book, kicks them off]'' A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife, massaging my feet, while the little ones play with the dogs. We'll have six or seven. :'''Belle''': Dogs? :'''Gaston''': No, Belle! Strapping boys, like me! :'''Belle''': Imagine that. ''[retrieves book and shelves it]'' :'''Gaston''': And do you know who that wife will be? :'''Belle''': Let me think. :'''Gaston''': You, Belle! :'''Belle''': I'm speechless! I really don't know what to say. :'''Gaston''': Say you'll marry me! :'''Belle''': I'm very sorry, Gaston, but... ''[turns the doorknob]'' ...but I just don't deserve you! :''[She opens the door]'' :'''Gaston''': Whoa! :''[Gaston stumbles out and she throws his boots after him before closing it. Gaston lands in a pig's mud wallow as LeFou conducts the band in "Here Comes the Bride"]'' :'''LeFou''': Ooh, so, how'd it go? Oomph! Uh. :'''Gaston''': ''[picks up LeFou, angrily]'' I'll have Belle for my wife! Make no mistake about that! :'''LeFou''': Oh. :''[throws LeFou into the mud and storms off]'' :'''LeFou''': Hmm! Touchy! ''[The pig oinks in agreement]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Belle''': ''[to the chickens]'' Is he gone? ''[seeing he is, hurried outside, a bucket of chickens feed in her hand]'' Can you imagine? He asked me to marry him. Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless? ''[walks of the animals, and feeding the chickens, singing]'' Madame Gaston, can't you just see it? / Madame Gaston, his little wife. ''[kicks the buckets, the chickens clucking and goats bleats]'' / No, sir, not me, I guarantee it / I want much more than this provincial life. / I want adventure in the great wide somewhere / I want it more than I can tell / And for once it might be grand / To have someone understand / I want so much more than they've got planned ''[Phillipe runs into the open field. Belle looks at him, disturbed that Maurice is not with him.]'' :'''Belle''': Phillipe! What are you doing here? Where's Papa? Where is he, Philippe? What happened? Oh, we have to find him, you have to take me to him. ''[Belle unhitches the wagon from Philippe.]'' :''[Outside the castle gate. (How Phillipe brought Belle there is a mystery, seeing as Phillipe never made it to the castle with Maurice.)]'' :'''Belle''': What is this place? :'''Philippe''': ''[snorts, neighs]'' :'''Belle''': Phillipe, please, steady. Papa. :'''Cogsworth''': Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch. :'''Lumière''': I was trying to be hospitable. :'''Belle''': Hello? Is anyone here? Hello? Papa? Papa, are you here? :'''Chip''': Momma. There's a girl in the castle! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Now, Chip, I won't have you making up such wild stories. :'''Chip''': But really, momma, I saw her. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Not another word. Into the tub. :'''Featherduster''': A girl! I saw a girl in the castle! :'''Chip''': See, I told ya! :'''Cogsworth''': Irresponsible, devil-may-care, waxy eared, slack-jawed-- :'''Belle''': Papa? :'''Lumière''': Did you see that? It's a girl! :'''Cogsworth''': I know it's a girl. :'''Lumière''': Don't you see? She's the one. The girl we have been waiting for. She has come to break the spell! :'''Cogsworth''': Wait a minute, wait a minute! :'''Belle''': Papa? Papa? Hello? Is someone here? Wait! I'm looking for my father! I... That's funny, I'm sure there was someone... I-I-Is there anyone here? :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''Belle''': Oh, Papa! :'''Maurice''': But how did you find me? :'''Belle''': Oh, your hands are ice. I have to get you out of here! :'''Maurice''': You must go! :'''Belle''': Who's done this to you? :'''Maurice''': No time to explain! You must go ''now!'' :'''Belle''': I won't leave you! :'''Beast''': '''What are you doing here?!''' :'''Maurice''': Run, Belle! :'''Belle''': Who's there? Who are you? :'''Beast''': The master of this castle. :'''Belle''': I've come for my father. Please let him out! Can't you see he's sick?! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' Then he shouldn't have trespassed here! :'''Belle''': But he could die! Please, I'll do anything! :'''Beast''': There's nothing you can do! He's my prisoner! :'''Belle''': Oh, there must be some way I can... Wait! Take me instead. :'''Beast''': '''''YOU'''''... You would... take his place? :'''Maurice''': Belle, no! You don't know what you're doing! :'''Belle''': If I did, would you let him go? :'''Beast''': Yes. But... you must promise to stay here forever! :'''Belle''': Come into the light. :'''Maurice''': No, Belle! I won't let you do this! :'''Belle''': You have my word. :'''Beast''': Done! :'''Maurice''': No, Belle. Listen to me. I'm old, I've lived my life- :'''Belle''': Wait! :'''Maurice''': '''Belle!''' :'''Belle''': ''WAIT!!'' :'''Maurice''': No, please spare my daughter! :'''Beast''': She's no longer your concern. Take him to the village. :'''Maurice''': Please, let me out, please! :'''Lumière''': Master? :'''Beast''': What? :'''Lumière''': Since the girl is going to be with us for quite some time, I was thinking that you might want to offer her a more comfortable room. Then again, maybe not. :'''Belle''': You didn't even let me say goodbye. I'll never see him again. I didn't get to say goodbye. :'''Beast''': I'll show you to your room. :'''Belle''': My room? But I thought... :'''Beast''': You wanna stay in the tower? :'''Belle''': No. :'''Beast''': Then follow me. :'''Lumière''': Say something to her. :'''Beast''': Hmm? Oh. I hope you like it here. The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing. :'''Belle''': What's in the West... :'''Beast''': It's forbidden! Now, if you need anything, my servants will attend you. :'''Lumière''': Dinner... invite her to dinner. :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' You will join me for dinner. That's not a request! <hr width="50%/> :'''Gaston''': ''[displeased about what happened to him]'' Who does she think she is? That girl has '''''tangled''''' with the wrong man! No one says no to Gaston! :'''LeFou''': Heh-heh! Darn right! :'''Gaston''': Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly Humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear! ''[throwing his two mugs of beer into the fireplace]'' :'''LeFou''': More beer? :'''Gaston''': ''[frustratingly turning his chair away from the fireplace]'' What for? Nothing helps! I'm disgraced. :'''LeFou''': Who, you? Never! Gaston, you've gotta pull yourself together! ''[singing]'' Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston / Looking so down in the dumps / Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston :'''Old Cronies''': Hooray! :'''LeFou''': Even when taking your lumps / There's no man in town as admired as you / You're everyone's favorite guy! / Everyone's awed and inspired by you / <big>'''''AND IT'S NOT... VERY HARD! TO SEE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!'''''</big> / Noooooo, oooone's sllllick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston / No one's next as incredibly thick as Gaston / For there's no man in town half as manly / Perfect, a pure paragon! / You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley / And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be '''''yooooooown!!!!!!''''' :''[LeFou has pulled a man's belt off, whose pants fall to the ground. LeFou jumps up and wraps the belt around Gaston's neck, who flexes and breaks it off. LeFou continues to dance around. Old cronies pick him up and swing him around]'' :'''Old Cronies''': Noooooo, oooone's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston. :'''Gaston''': As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating! :'''Old Cronies''': My, what a guy that Gaston! ''[swing LeFou back and forth into the camera. LeFou tickles Gaston's chin, who stands with pride]'' Give 5 hurrahs, give 12 hip-hips! :'''LeFou''': Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips! :''[LeFou swings up his arm in dance and throws a mug of beer in Gaston's face, who socks LeFou in the face]'' :'''All''': Noooooo, oooone, fights like Gaston, douses lights like Gaston. :'''Stanley''': In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston. :'''Bimbettes''': For there's no one as burly and brawny. :'''Gaston''': As you see I've got biceps to spare. :'''LeFou''': Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny. :'''Gaston''': That's right! And every last inch of me's covered with hair! ''[Gaston fights with the men, then lifts a bench with the Bimbettes on it. He drops the bench on LeFou, then turns to the camera and reveals his hairy chest]'' :'''Old Cronies''': No one hits like Gaston, matches wits like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston! :'''Gaston''': I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptooey! :'''All''': '''''10 POINTS FOR GASTON!''''' :''[Gaston plays a chess game with a man, then hits the board, sending it and pieces all over. He takes a bite of leather from the belt once wrapped around his neck, chews it and spits it into a spittoon, which falls and gets stuck on the head of LeFou]'' :'''Gaston''': When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs. Every morning to help me get '''''LARGE!!!''''' And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs. So I'm roughly the size of a '''''ba-a-a-a-arge!''''' ''[Gaston juggles a number of eggs, then swallows them whole. LeFou attempts the trick, and is hit in the face by three eggs]'' :'''All''': Noooooo, oooone shoots like Gaston, makes those beauts like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston. :'''Gaston''': I use antlers in all of my decorating! :''[Gaston takes three shots at a beer barrel, which begins leaking into the mugs of onlookers. He returns stomping to his chair, where we see the fireplace surrounded by the heads of the animals he has killed. The mystery cut of music is here! Cut to ending of "Gaston Reprise"]'' :'''All''': My what a '''''guuuuuy!''''' <big>'''''GASTOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!'''''</big> :''[The old cronies have picked up the chair and carry Gaston around in it. LeFou tries to flee, but they toss the chair into its normal place, and LeFou is pinned underneath. Maurice bursts in frantically]'' :'''Maurice''': Help! Someone help me! :'''Tavern Man''': Maurice? :'''Maurice''': Please! Please, I need your help! He's got her. He's got her locked in the dungeon. :'''Tom''': Who? :'''Maurice''': Belle. We must go. Not... not a minute to lose! :'''Gaston''': Whoa! Slow down, Maurice. Who's got Belle locked in a dungeon? :'''Maurice''': A beast! A horrible, monstrous beast! ''[Maurice has gone from person to person, pleading his case, until he is thrown at the feet of Gaston. A moment of silence, then the old cronies begin to laugh and mock him]'' :'''Dick''': Is it a big beast? :'''Maurice''': Huge! :'''Stanley''': With a long, ugly snout? :'''Maurice''': Hideously ugly! :'''Walter''': And sharp, cruel fangs? :'''Maurice''': Yes, yes. Will you help me? :'''Gaston''': All right, old man. We'll help you out. :'''Maurice''': You will? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! :''[The old cronies pick up Maurice and help him out by throwing him through the door]'' :'''Tom''': Crazy old Maurice. :'''Dick''': He's always good for a laugh! :'''Gaston''': ''[very pensive]'' Crazy old Maurice, hmm? Crazy old Maurice. Hmm? ''[singing]'' LeFou, I'm afraid I've been thinking. :''[LeFou is still under the chair]'' :'''LeFou''': ''[singing]'' A dangerous pastime-- :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' I know, / But that wacky old coot is Belle's father / And his sanity's only so-so...| Now the wheels in my head have been turning / Since I looked at that loony old man / See I promised myself I'd be married to Belle, / And right now I'm evolving a plan! ''[Gaston picks LeFou out from under the chair and holds his head close, and whispers]'' :'''Gaston''': If I... ''[whispers]'' :'''LeFou''': Yes? :'''Gaston''': Then I... ''[whispers]'' :'''LeFou''': No, would she? :'''Gaston''': ''[whispering]'' ...GUESS! :'''LeFou''': Now I get it! :'''Gaston and LeFou''': '''Let's Go!''' ''[they begin a waltz around the floor as they sings]'' Noooooo, oooooone, plots like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston. :'''Chorus''': SO HIS MARRIAGE WE SOON'LL BE '''''Celebra-a-a-ti-i-ing!''''' / My what a guy, '''''GASTOOOOOOOOOON!!!''''' :''[Camera zooms out through window to snow covered square, empty except for Maurice]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[to no one in particular]'' Will no one help me? ''[Random; ? At the bedroom of the castle where Belle is still crying. There is a 'clink clink clink' at the door. She gets up and walks over to open the door. Mrs. Potts enters with Chip and their entourage]'' :'''Belle''': Who is it? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Mrs. Potts, dear. I thought you might like a spot of tea. :'''Belle''': But you...ah...but...I-- :'''Wardrobe''': Oof. Careful! :'''Belle''': This is impossible-- :'''Wardrobe''': I know it is, but here we are! :'''Chip''': Told you she was pretty, Mama, didn't I? :'''Mrs. Potts''': All right, now, Chip, that'll do. Slowly now. Don't spill. :'''Belle''': Thank you. :'''Chip''': Want to see me do a trick? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Chip?! :'''Chip''': Oops, sorry. :'''Mrs. Potts''': That was a very brave thing you did, my dear. :'''Wardrobe''': We all think so. :'''Belle''': But I've lost my father, my dreams, everything. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Cheer up, child. It'll turn out all right in the end. You'll see. Oops! Look at me, jabbering on, when there's a supper to get on the table. Chip! :'''Chip''': Bye! :'''Wardrobe''': Well now, what shall we dress you in for dinner? Let's see what I've got in my drawers. Oh-ho! How embarrassing. Here we are. Ah! There you are, you'll look ravishing in this one! :'''Belle''': That's very kind of you, but I'm not going to dinner. :'''Wardrobe''': Oh, but you must! :'''Cogsworth''': Dinner is served. :'''Beast''': What's taking so long? I told her to come down. '''Why isn't she here yet?!''' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, try to be patient, sir. The girl has lost her father and her freedom all in one day. :'''Lumière''': Uh, master. Have you thought that, perhaps, this girl could be the one to break the spell? :'''Beast''': Of course I have! I'm not a fool. :'''Lumière''': Good! You fall in love with her, she falls in love with you, and - Poof! - the spell is broken! We'll be human again by midnight! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, it's not that easy, Lumière. These things take time. :'''Lumière''': But the rose has already begun to wilt. :'''Beast''': Oh, it's no use. She's so beautiful, and I'm... well, look at me! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, you must help her to see past all that. :'''Beast''': I don't know how. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman. :'''Lumière''': Ah yes, when she comes in, give her a dashing, debonair smile. Come, come. Show me the smile. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But don't frighten the poor girl. :'''Lumière''': Impress her with your rapier wit. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But be gentle. :'''Lumière''': Shower her with compliments. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But be sincere. :'''Lumière''': And above all... :'''Mrs. Potts and Lumière''': You must control your temper! :'''Lumière''': There she is! :'''Cogsworth''': Uh, good evening. :'''Beast''': Well, where is she? :'''Cogsworth''': Who? Oh! The girl. Yes, the, ah, girl. Well, actually, she's in the process of, ah, um, circumstances being what they are, ew... She's not coming. :'''Beast''': <big>'''''WHAT?!?!'''''</big> :'''Cogsworth''': Oh, dear, Your Grace, Your Eminence! Let's not be hasty! :'''Beast''': '''I thought I told you to come down to dinner!''' :'''Belle''': I'm not hungry. :'''Beast''': '''You come out, or I'll...I'll...''I'LL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!!!''''' :'''Lumière''': Master, I could be wrong, but that may not be the best way to win the girl's affections. :'''Cogsworth''': Please, attempt to be a gentleman. :'''Beast''': But she is being so ''difficult!'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Gently, gently. :'''Beast''': Will you come down to dinner? :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': Hmm?! :'''Cogsworth''': Uh-uh-uh! Suave. Genteel. :'''Beast''': It would give me great pleasure... if you would join me for dinner. :'''Cogsworth''': Ahem, ahem, we say "please". :'''Beast''': Please. :'''Belle''': No, thank you! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' '''You can't stay in there forever!''' :'''Belle''': ''[provoked]'' Yes, I can! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily]'' Fine! Then go ahead and ''[roars]'' '''''STAAAAARVE!!''''' If she doesn't eat with me, then she doesn't eat ''at all.'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, dear. That didn't go very well at all, did it? :'''Cogsworth''': Lumière, stand watch at the door and inform me at once if there is the slightest change. :'''Lumière''': You can count on me, mon-Capitan. :'''Cogsworth''': Well, we might as well go downstairs and start cleaning up. :'''Beast''': I ask nicely, but she refuses! What-What does she want me to do?! Beg?! Show me the girl. :'''Wardrobe''': But the master's really not so bad once you get to know him. Why don't you give him a chance? :'''Belle''': I don't want to get to know him. I don't want to have anything to do with him! :'''Beast''': I'm just fooling myself. She'll never see me as anything but a monster. It's hopeless. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fade out/Fade in to exterior of Belle's room. Door creaks open. Belle silently emerges. We see her feet go by as three bright spots shine through a curtain at floor level. Behind it are Lumière and Featherduster.]'' :'''Featherduster''': Oh, no! :'''Lumière''': Oh, yes! :'''Featherduster''': Oh, no! :'''Lumière''': Oh, yes, yes, yes! :'''Featherduster''': I've been burnt by you before! :''[Lumière and Featherduster have emerged and Lumière takes her in his arms. Suddenly he looks up and sees Belle walking down the hall. He drops Featherduster.]'' :'''Featherduster''': Oof! :'''Lumière''': Zut alors! She has emerged! :''[Inside the kitchen, where we find Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, Chip and the stove.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Come on, Chip. Into the cupboard with your brothers and sisters. ''[helping him in]'' :'''Chip''': But I'm not sleepy. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Yes you are. :'''Chip''': No, I'm not. ''[He falls asleep and Mrs. Potts shuts the cupboard door.]'' :''[A banging of pots and pans comes from the stove.]'' :'''Stove''': I work and I slave all day long, and for what? A culinary masterpiece gone to waste. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, stop your grousing. It's been a long night for all of us. :'''Cogsworth''': Well, if you ask me, she was just being stubborn. After all, the master did say please. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But if the master doesn't learn to control that temper, he'll never break the-- :''[Belle enters, and Cogsworth cuts off Mrs. Potts before she can say 'spell.']'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[interrupting]'' Splendid to see you out and about, mademoiselle. :''[Lumière comes running in.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': I am Cogsworth, head of the household. :''[He leans over to kiss her hand, but Lumière butts in front of him.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': This is Lumière. :'''Lumière''': Enchanté, chérie. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[trying to talk around Lumière who is still kissing Belle's hand]'' If there's anything...stop that...that we can...please ''[finally shoving him out of the way]''...to make your stay more comfortable. ''[Lumière burns the hand of Cogsworth]'' Ow!!!! :'''Belle''': I am a little hungry. :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[excited, to the other tea pots]'' You are? Hear that? She's hungry. Stoke the fire, break out the silver, wake the China. :''[The fire on the stove roars to life, and drawers open to reveal silverware standing at attention.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[secretively]'' Remember what the master said. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, pish tosh. I'm not going to let the poor child go hungry. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[thinking he is giving in to the ultimate demand]'' Oh, all right, fine. Glass of water, crust of bread, and then-- :'''Lumière''': Cogsworth, I am surprised at you. She's not our prisoner. She's our guest. We must make her feel welcome here. ''[to Belle]'' Right this way, mademoiselle. :'''Cogsworth''': Well keep it down. If the master finds out about this, it will be our necks! :'''Lumière''': Of course, of course. But what is dinner without a little music? :''[Lumière has started out the swinging door. He lets it close, and the door hits Cogsworth and sends him across the room to land in a panfilled with (what looks like) pancake batter. He screams his line as he is in flight.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': '''''MUSIC?!''''' :''[Cut to dining room, where Belle is seated at the end of a long table. Lumière is on the table and a spotlight shines on him.]'' :'''Lumière''': Ma chère, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pride pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner. ''[singing]'' Be our guest, be our guest / Put our service to the test, tie your napkin 'round your neck, chérie and we provide the rest! ''[The chair has wrapped a napkin around the neck of Belle, who takes it off and places it on her lap. The chair's arms put it's hands on it's 'waist' as if it were mad.]'' Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres / Why we only live to serve / Try the grey stuff, it's delicious / Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! ''[Lumière offers Belle a plate of hors d'oeuvres. She dips her finger in one, and tastes it.]'' They can sing, they can dance / After all, miss, this is France! / And a dinner here is never second best! / Go on unfold your menu, take a glance and then you'll / Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! ''[A cabinet at the end of the table opens to reveal a large China collection, which rolls out and begins to perform. Lumière hands Belle a menu, which she begins to read.]'' Beef ragout, cheese soufflé, Pie and pudding en flambé! / We'll prepare and serve with flair / A culinary cabaret! ''[plates of food go dancing by, with Cogsworth in the pudding. Lumière sets his torch to it, and it explodes, turning Cogsworth's face black with soot.]'' You're alone and you're scared, But the banquet's all prepared! / No one's gloomy or complaining, / While the flatware's entertaining! ''[The flatware enters a 'Busby Berkley-esque' swimming scene.]'' We tell jokes, I do tricks / With my fellow candlesticks ''[Lumière, standing on a plate, is elevated and begins to juggle his candles. Mugs enter the shot.]'' :'''Mugs''': And it's all in perfect taste / That you can bet!!! ''[The Mugs begin a gymnastics routine, hopping over one another and passing a beverage from one to the next]'' :'''All''': Come on and lift your glass, You've won your own free pass / To be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! :'''Lumière''': If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest! :'''All''': Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! :''[All leave except Cogsworth, who looks scared, then begins to inch away. Lumière enters and holds him there.]'' :'''Lumière''': Life is so unnerving, For a servant who's not serving! / He's not whole without a soul to wait upon :'''Cogsworth''': Get off! :'''Lumière''': Ah, those good old days when we were useful :'''Cogsworth''': Huh? Oh! :'''Lumière''': Suddenly, those good old days are gone. :''[Lumière sings as if he were reminiscing. Snow begins to fall. Cogsworth looks up and sees the salt and pepper shakers doing their thing.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Ohh. :'''Lumière''': 10 years we've been rustin' / Needin' so much more than dustin' / Needin' exercise, a chance to use our skills! :'''Cogsworth''': Yaaaaaooo… :''[Lumière dusts the salt of the head of Cogsworth, who tries to escape. He tripsand falls into the gelatin mold.]'' :'''Lumière''': Most days just lay around the castle. :'''Cogsworth''': Ngngngngh! :'''Lumière''': Flabby fat and lazy / You walked in, and oops-a-daisie! :'''Cogsworth''': Whoa! :''[Lumière jumps on a spoon in the gelatin, which catapults Cogsworth out of the mold. Cut to kitchen, where Mrs. Potts is surrounded by soap bubbles.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's a guest, it's a guest! Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed! Wine's been poured and thank the Lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed! ''[Mrs. Potts continues to dance around the kitchen]'' With dessert, she'll want tea, And my dear, that's fine with me! While the cups do their soft shoein', I'll be bubblin', I'll be brewin'! I'll get warm, pipin' hot Heaven's sake, is that a spot? Clean it up, we want the company impressed! We've got a lot to do-- Is it one lump or two? For you our guest! ''[Mrs. Potts is cleaned off by a napkin. She hops onto the tea cart and rolls into the dining room, where she offers tea to Belle.]'' :'''All''': She's our guest! :'''Mrs. Potts''': She's our guest! :'''All''': She's our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Our command is your request! :'''Cogsworth''': Let's go, people. Fun's over. Over here. Line up. Aaaaaaah! :'''All''': It's ten years since we had anybody here and we're obsessed! With your meal, with your ease, / Yes indeed, we aim to please / While the candlelight's still glowin' / Let us help you, we'll keep going! :''[The [[China]] and candlesticks perform an elaborately choreographed dance sequence, ending in a closeup of Lumière.]'' :'''Lumière and All''': Course, by course / One by one / Til you shout "Enough, I'm done!" / Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest. Tonight you'll prop your feet up, But for let's eat up, Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Please, '''BE...''' '''''OUR... <big>GUUUUUUUEEEEEEST!!!!!!</big>''''' :''[A fantastic ending comes of the song, with silverware flying through the air, plates and Featherdusters dancing, and Cogsworth the focus of attention, until Lumière comes sliding in and sends him flying out of camera range.]'' :'''Belle''': Bravo! That was wonderful! :'''Cogsworth''': Thank you, thank you, mademoiselle. Yes, good show, wasn't it everyone. ''[Looking at his own face]'' Oh, my goodness, will you look at the time. Now, it's off to bed, off to bed! :''[Lumière comes up next to Cogsworth.]'' :'''Belle''': Oh, I couldn't possibly go to bed now. It's my first time in an enchanted castle. :'''Cogsworth''': Enchanted? Who said anything about the castle being enchanted? ''[He tries to cover it up, just as a fork runs past. To Lumière]'' :'''Cogsworth''': It was you, wasn't it! :'''Belle''': I, um, figured it out for myself. :''[Cogsworth and Lumière have been fighting. They both look at her, then stop. Cogsworth dusts himself off, and Lumière fixes his wax nose.]'' :'''Belle''': I'd like to look around, if that's all right. :'''Lumière''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Would you like a tour? :'''Cogsworth''': Wait a second, wait a second. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. ''[Confidentially, to Lumière]'' We can't let her go poking around in certain places, if you know what I mean. :'''Belle''': ''[Poking Cogsworth in the belly (like the Pillsbury doughboy)]'' Perhaps you could take me. I'm sure you know everything there is to know about the castle. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[flattered]'' Well, actually, ah yes, I do! :''[Fade to Cogsworth, Lumière, and Belle walking down a hall with Sultan. Cogsworth is lecturing.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': As you can see, the pseudo façade was stripped away to reveal a minimalist rococo design. Note the unusual inverted vaulted ceilings. This is yet another example of the neo-classic baroque period, and as I always say, if it's not baroque, don't fix it! Ha ha ha. Now then, where was I? ''[He turns to find the heads of the suits of armor have turned to follow Belle.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': As you were! ''[They all snap back to face forward.]'' Now, if I may draw your attention to the flying buttresses above the--mademoiselle? :''[Cogsworth turns back to the group and is one girl short. He sees her beginning to climb the grand staircase. He and Lumière run up to her and jump in front of her, blocking her progress upstairs.]'' :'''Belle''': What's up there? :'''Cogsworth''': Where? Up there? Nothing. Absolutely nothing of interest at all in the West Wing. Dusty, dull, very boring. ''[Lumière has been shaking his head, but Cogsworth nudges him and he nods in agreement.]'' :'''Belle''': Oh, so that's the West Wing. :'''Lumière''': ''[To Cogsworth]'' Nice going! :'''Belle''': I wonder what he's hiding up there. :'''Lumière''': Hiding? The master is hiding nothing! :'''Belle''': Then it wouldn't be forbidden. :''[She steps over them, but they dash up and block her again.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Perhaps mademoiselle would like to see something else. We have exquisite tapestries dating all the way back to... :'''Belle''': ''[again stepping over them]'' Maybe later. :'''Lumière''': ''[with Cogsworth, again dashing and blocking]'' The gardens, or the library perhaps? :'''Belle''': ''[Now, with incredible interest]'' You have a library? :'''Cogsworth''': ''[Thrilled that he has found something to interest her]'' Oh. yes! Indeed! :'''Lumière''': With books! :'''Cogsworth''': Gads of books! :'''Lumière''': Mountains of books! :'''Cogsworth''': Forests of books! :'''Lumière''': Cascades... :'''Cogsworth''': ...of books! :'''Lumière''': Swamps of books! :'''Cogsworth''': More books than you'll ever be able to read in a lifetime! Books on every subject ever studied, by every author who ever set pen to paper... :''[Lumière and Cogsworth begin marching off, and Belle begins to follow, but her curiosity overtakes her, and she turns back to the West Wing. Her excitement begins to dwindle, though, when she enters the hallway leading to Beast's lair. As she walks down the hall, she stops to look in a mirror that has been shattered into several pieces, each one reflecting her concerned look. She reaches the end of the hall and finds a closed door with gargoyle handles. She takes a deep breath, then reaches out and opens the door. Inside the lair, where Belle begins to explore. She is truly shocked by everything she sees. She wanders around, looking, and knocks over a table, but she catches it before it crashes to the floor. She then turns her head and sees a shredded picture on the wall. We can only see part of a portrait. It is the same portrait that was shredded in the opening. Belle reaches out and lifts the shreds of the picture to reveal the prince. We never see this, however, for then she turns her head and sees the rose under the bell jar. She walks over to it, her eyes transfixes. She reaches out, then lifts off the jar, leaves the rose unprotected. She reaches up, brushes back the strand of hair that has been repeatedly falling on her forehead, then reaches out to touch the rose. As she nears it, a shadow falls over her and Belle gasps in shocked. Beast has been on the balcony, and sees her. He jumps back into the room, then slams the jar back on the rose. He then turns his attention to Belle]'' :'''Beast''': ''[growing angrily-ish]'' Why did you come here? :'''Belle''': ''[backs away, scared]'' I'm-I'm sorry. :'''Beast''': I warned you never to come here! :'''Belle''': I didn't mean any harm. :'''Beast''': ''[angrier]'' Do you realize what you could have done?! :''[Beast begins to thrash at the furniture]'' :'''Belle''': ''[pleaders, but still scared]'' Please, stop! :'''Beast''': ''[screaming]'' <big>'''''GET OUT!!!!'''''</big> :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': ''[screaming]'' <big>'''''GEEET, OOOOOOUUUTT!!!!'''''</big> :''[Belle turns and flees the room. Beast calms down, then falls into despair, finally realizes that he may have destroyed his chances with Belle. She reaches the stairway and grabs her cloak. She rushes down the stairs, wrapping the cloak around her and bursting past a confused Lumière and Cogsworth]'' :'''Lumière''': Where are you going? :'''Belle''': Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute! :'''Cogsworth''': Oh, no, wait, please! Please wait! :''[Lumière tries to respond, but Belle slams the door behind her. He and Cogsworth both bow their heads in sadness. When Belle outside in the forest on Philippe. She begins to ride through the forest, but Philippe comes to a stop. She looks up and sees the wolves. She gasps, then pulls the reins and begins to flee. She runs from side to side, making the wolves hit the trees (a la Speederbike chase in '''[[w:Return of the Jedi|Return of the Jedi]]'''). Philippe runs out on a frozen pond, but his and Belle's weight collapse the ice. The wolves chase her into the water. Some begin to drown, but Philippe is able to get out of the water before anything serious happens. He runs into a clears, but becomes surrounded by wolves. He bucks, throws Belle off and wrapped the reins around a tree branch. The wolves begin their attack on Philippe, but Belle comes to his rescue and beats them away with a stick. One wolf grabs the stick in its mouth and breaks half of it off, leaves Belle defenseless. Another leaps at her, grabs the corner of her cloak and dragging her to the ground]'' :'''Belle''': <big>'''''NO!!!'''''</big> ''[She looks up and sees a wolf about to jump on top of her. It leaps and is caught in mid-air by Beast. He throws the wolf away, then stands behind them and Belle. They lunge at each other. One rips a hole in Beast's shoulder, and the others focus their attack on that spot. Finally, Beast throws a wolf against a tree, knocks it out. The others turn and run in fear. Beast turns back to Belle, looks at her despairingly, then collapses. Belle, grateful to be alive, turns back to Philippe and begins to get on, but her conscience takes over, and she walks over to the fallen Beast. Fade to Belle and Philippe walking back to the castle, with Beast on the horse's back. Fade to inside the den, with Belle pouring hot water out of Mrs. Potts. She soaks a rag in the water, then turns to Beast, who is licking his wounds, dampening rag]'' Here, now. ''[sees the Beast licking the wound on his arm]'' Oh, don't do that. ''[the Beast backs away with a growl as the servants start to back away in fear]'' Just hold still. ''[places the rag on the Beast's wound; the Beast mighty roars in pain and the servants takes cover]'' :'''Beast''': <big>'''''THAT HURTS!!!'''''</big> :'''Belle''': If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much! :'''Beast''': Well, if you hadn't have run away, this wouldn't have happened. :'''Belle''': If you hadn't frightened me, I wouldn't have run away. :'''Beast''': Well, ''you'' shouldn't have been in The West Wing! :'''Belle''': Well, ''you'' should learn to control your temper. Now, hold still. This might sting a little. :'''Beast''': Hmm? Mmm! :'''Belle''': By the way, thank you, for saving my life. :'''Beast''': You're welcome. :''[The camera zooms out and we see the objects looking on with interest. Fade to Gaston's tavern, which is empty except for Gaston, LeFou and Monsieur D'Arque, who are all sitting at a table]'' :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I don't usually leave the asylum in the middle of the night, but they said you'd make it worth my while. ''[Gaston pulls out a sack of gold and tosses it in front of him. He takes out a piece, scrapes it on his chin and continues]'' Aah, I'm listening. :'''Gaston''': It's like this. I've got my heart set on marrying Belle, but she needs a little persuasion. :'''LeFou''': ''[butting in]'' Turned him down flat! :''[Gaston slams a beer mug on his head]'' :'''Gaston''': Everyone knows her father's a lunatic. He was in here tonight raving about a beast in a castle... :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Maurice is harmless. :'''Gaston''': The point is, Belle would do anything to keep him from being locked up. :'''LeFou''': Yeah, even marry him! :''[Gaston gives him another threatening look, and he ducks back under the mug]'' :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father in the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[They both nod in agreement]'' Oh, that is despicable. I love it! :''[Inside Belle's cottage, Maurice is packing to leave]'' :'''Maurice''': If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow I'll get her out of there. :''[Maurice leaves to go find Belle, Gaston and LeFou enter her house to look for him and Belle.]'' :'''Gaston''': Belle? Maurice? :'''LeFou''': Oh, well. I guess it's not go to work, after all. :'''Gaston''': ''[grabs LeFou by his collar and carries him out]'' They have to come back sometime. And when they do, we'll be ready for them. LeFou, ''[throws him into the pile of snow nearby]'' don't move from that spot, until Belle and her father come home. ''[leaves on a horse wagon]'' :'''LeFou''': But... But I... ''[hits a wood]'' Ah, nuts! ''[a snow falls on him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the castle. Belle is playing in the snow with Phillipe and Sultan. Beast, Cogsworth and Lumière watch from the balcony.]'' :'''Beast''': I've never felt this way about anyone. ''[Looks excited]'' I want to do something for her. ''[Looks discouraged.]'' But what? :'''Cogsworth''': Well, there's the usual things--flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep... :'''Lumière''': Ahh, no no. It has to be something very special. Something that sparks her inter--wait a minute. :''[Cut to interior hallway leading to library. Beast and Belle are alone.]'' :'''Beast''': Belle, there's something I want to show you. ''[Begins to open the door, then stops.]'' But first, you have to close your eyes. :''[She looks at him questioningly.]'' :'''Beast''': It's a surprise. :''[Belle closes her eyes, and Beast waves his hand in front of her. Then he opens the door. He leads her in.]'' :'''Belle''': ''[Just as she enters the room]'' Can I open them? :'''Beast''': No, no. Not yet. Wait here. :''[Beast walks away to draw back the curtains. He does, and brilliant sunlight spills into the room. Belle flinches reflexively as the light hits her face.]'' :'''Belle''': Now can I open them? :'''Beast''': All right. Now. :''[Belle opens her eyes and the camera pulls back to reveal the gigantic library filled with books.]'' :'''Belle''': I can't believe it. I've never seen so many books in all my life! :'''Beast''': You--you like it? :'''Belle''': It's wonderful. :'''Beast''': Then it's yours. :'''Belle''': Oh, thank you so much. :''[Cut to Belle and Beast in background, with Objects including Chip in foreground watching them.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, would you look at that? :'''Lumière''': Ha ha! I knew it would work. :'''Chip''': What? What works? :'''Cogsworth''': It's very encouraging. :'''Featherduster''': Isn't this exciting! :'''Chip''': I didn't see anything. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Come along, Chip. There's chores to be done in the kitchen. :'''Chip''': But what are they talking about? What's going on? :''[Objects walk away. Fade to breakfast table with Belle at one end and Beast at the other, with Mrs. Potts between them. Belle is served breakfast, and as she begins to eat, she looks at Beast, gobbling up his food with no table manners whatsoever. Chip laughs, but Mrs. Potts shoots him an admonishing look. Belle turns away and tries to ignore it, but Chip comes to the rescue. He nudges the spoon with his nose, and Beast reaches out for it (very 3-D-ishly). Belle looks at him in wonder as he tries to eat with the spoon, but he has little success. Finally, Belle puts down her spoon and lifts her bowl as if in a toast. Beast looks at the compromise and does the same. They both begin to sip their breakfast out of their bowls. Fade to courtyard where Belle and Beast are feeding the birds.]'' :'''Belle''': There's something sweet / And almost kind / But he was mean / And he was coarse and unrefined. But now he's dear / And so unsure, / I wonder why I didn't see it there before. ''[Belle is trying to attract some birds to Beast, who shoves a handful of seed at them. Finally, she takes a handful and gently spreads it out, creating a trail. One lands in his hands, and he looks up thrilled.]'' :'''Beast''': She glanced this way / I thought I saw / And when we touched / She didn't shudder at my paw / No, it can't be / I'll just ignore / But then she's never looked at me that way before. ''[Belle has ducked around a tree, leaving Beast with the birds. She begins to look doubtful again, but turns her head around the tree and laughs. Beast is covered with birds.]'' :'''Belle''': New, and a bit alarming / Who'd have ever thought that this could be? / True, that he's no Prince Charming / But there's something in him that I simply didn't see. :''[Belle throws a snowball at Beast, who had looked at her proudly after the birds flew away. He begins to gather a large pile of snow. We cut to the Objects, looking out of a window at the two. In the background, Belle throws another snowball at Beast, who drops his huge pile of snow on his head. He chases her around a tree, but she ducks around the other side and sneaks up on him from behind.]'' :'''Lumière''': Well, who'd have thought? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, bless my soul. :'''Cogsworth''': And who'd have known? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, who indeed? :'''Lumière''': And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own? :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's so peculiar. :'''All''': We'll wait and see / A few days more / There may be something there that wasn't there before. :''[Fade to den where Belle sits in front of a roaring fire and reads to Beast. Objects including Chip watch from doorway]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before. :'''Chip''': What? :'''Mrs. Potts''': There may be something there that wasn't there before. :'''Chip''': What's there, mama? :'''Mrs. Potts''': I'll tell you when you're older. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the Beast's lair. He is in the tub getting washed up for the big night with Belle. Lumière is there with him.]'' :'''Lumière''': Tonight is the night! :'''Beast''': ''[hesitantly]'' I'm not sure I can do this. :'''Lumière''': You don't have time to be timid. You must be bold, daring. :'''Beast''': Bold. Daring. ''[Beast has emerged from the tub and shakes himself dry.]'' :'''Lumière''': There will be music. Romantic candlelight, provided myself, and when the time is right, you confess your love. :'''Beast''': ''[Inspired]'' Yes, I -- I con--No, I can't. :'''Lumière''': You care for the girl, don't you? :'''Beast''': More than anything. :'''Lumière''': Well then you must tell her. ''[Coatrack has been cutting Beast's hair. It finishes and steps back.]'' Voila. You look so...so... ''[Cut to shot of Beast in pig-tails and bows.]'' :'''Beast''': Stupid. :'''Lumière''': Not quite the word I was looking for. Perhaps a little more off the top. :''[Coatrack begins to cut and chop again. Cogsworth enters.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Ahem ahem ahem. Your lady awaits. :''[Cut to grand staircase, where Belle descends from the West Wing side in a glittering gold ball gown. She reaches the landing and looks up at Beast, who is standing at the top of the stairs in his dress clothes. He is nudged on by Lumière from behind the curtain, and he descends and meets Belle at the landing. Arm in arm, they descend the last section of stairs and continue on their way to dinner, stopped momentarily by Sultan. Mrs. Potts sings from her cart with Chip on board.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly / Just a little change / Small to say the least / Both a little scared / Neither one prepared / Beauty and the Beast ''[Belle and Beast have moved into the ballroom, where they move through a computer perfect dance sequence. Beast occasionally looks over at Lumière and Cogsworth for their approval. Mrs. Potts and Chip are in the ballroom on their cart.]'' Ever just the same / Ever a surprise / Ever as before, ever just as sure / As the sun will rise / Tale as old as time / Tune as old as song / Bittersweet and strange, / Finding you can change, learning you were wrong / Certain as the sun / Rising in the east / Tale as old as time, / Song as old as rhyme, beauty and the Beast. / Tale as old as time, / Song as old as rhyme, beauty and the Beast. ''[To Chip]'' Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. It's past your bedtime. Good night, love. ''[Chip slides off the end of the cart, and hops out of the room, but comes back for one last look. Belle and Beast have adjourned to the balcony under a starry night.]'' :'''Beast''': Belle? Are you happy here with me? :'''Belle''': ''[Hesitantly]'' Yes. ''[She looks off into the distance]'' :'''Beast''': What is it? :'''Belle''': ''[Looks at him desperately]'' If only I could see my father again, just for a moment. I miss him so much. :'''Beast''': ''[Looks disappointed for a moment, then excited.]'' There is a way. ''[The pair adjourn to Beast's lair, where Beast hands Belle the magic mirror.]'' This mirror will show you anything, anything you wish to see. :'''Belle''': ''[Hesitantly]'' I'd like to see my father, please. ''[The magic mirror shines into life, and Belle turns her head away as it flashes. Then it reveals Maurice fallen in the woods, coughing and lost. Belle is shocked. Beast looks at her with concern.]'' Papa. Oh, no. He's sick, he may be dying. And he's all alone. ''[Beast turns, then looks at the rose, deep in thought.]'' :'''Beast''': Then...then you must go to him. :'''Belle''': What did you say? :'''Beast''': I release you. You're no longer my prisoner. :'''Belle''': You mean...I'm free? :'''Beast''': Yes. :'''Belle''': Oh, thank you. Hold on, Papa. I’m on my way. :'''Beast''': Take it with you so you'll always have a way to look back and remember me. :'''Belle''': Thank you for understanding how much he needs me. ''[Belle turns to leave and Beast looks down in depression. She touches her hand to his cheek and rushes out. We see Belle's skirt fly past Cogsworth, who has entered the room.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Well, your highness I have to say that everything it's going great I knew that she was capable. :'''Beast''': I let her go. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, yes. Splen-- ''[realizes what the Beast just said]'' You what? How could you do that? :'''Beast''': I had to. :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, but why? :'''Beast''': Because... I love her. :''[Cut to Cogsworth telling the rest of the Objects about Beast's decision.]'' :'''All''': ''[except Cogsworth]'' He did '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, I'm afraid it's true. :'''Chip:''' She's going away? :'''Lumière''': But he was so close. :'''Mrs. Potts''': After all this time, he's finally learned to love. :'''Lumière''': That's it, then. That should break the spell. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But it's not enough. She has to love him in return. :'''Cogsworth''': And now it's too late. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to Beast watching Belle leave from above. He roars in sorrow and anger. His roar turns into the sound of the wind. Belle is out in the snow.]'' :'''Belle''': Papa? Papa? ''[gasps]'' :''[Finally, she finds him face down in a snowbank. They return home, where LeFou is still waiting, disguised as a snowman.]'' :'''LeFou''': Oh, they're back. :''[Cut to black. POV of Maurice as his eyes open. He sees Belle.]'' :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''Belle''': It's all right, Papa. I'm home. :'''Maurice''': I thought I'd never see you again. :'''Belle''': I missed you so much. :'''Maurice''': But the Beast. How did you escape? :'''Belle''': I didn't escape, Papa. He let me go. :'''Maurice''': That horrible Beast? :'''Belle''': But he's different, now. He's changed somehow. :''[There is a sound coming from Belle's pack. The flap opens and the magic mirror falls out with Chip rolling to a stop on it.]'' :'''Chip''': Hi! :'''Belle''': Oh, a stowaway. :'''Maurice''': Why, hello there, little fella. Didn't think I'd ever see you again. ''[Chip turns to Belle with a look of question on his face.]'' :'''Chip''': Belle, why'd you go away? Don't you like us anymore? :'''Belle''': Oh, Chip. Of course I do. It's just that-- :''[There is a knocking at the door. Belle opens it and Monsieur D'Arque stands on the porch.]'' :'''Belle''': May I help you? :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I've come to collect your father. :'''Belle''': My father? :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Don't worry, mademoiselle. We'll take good care of him. :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy. :'''LeFou''': He was raving like a lunatic. We all heard him, didn't we! :'''Bystanders''': Yes! :'''Belle''': No, I won't let you. :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''LeFou''': Maurice. Tell us again, old man, just how big was the Beast? :'''Maurice''': Well, he was... that is... enormous. I'd say at least eight, no more like ten feet. :'''LeFou''': Well, you don't get much crazier than that. :'''Maurice''': It's true, I tell you! :'''LeFou''': Get him out of here! :'''Maurice''': Let go of me! :'''Belle''': No, you can't do this! :'''Gaston''': Poor Belle. It's a shame about your father. :'''Belle''': You know he's not crazy, Gaston. :'''Gaston''': Hmm. I think I might be able to clear up this little misunderstanding, if... :'''Belle''': If what? :'''Gaston''': If you marry me. :'''Belle''': What? :'''Gaston''': One little word, Belle. That's all it takes. :'''Belle''': Never! :'''Gaston''': Have it your way. :'''Maurice''': Belle? Let go of me! :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy and I can prove it! Show me the Beast! :'''Woman #1''': Is it dangerous? :'''Belle''': Oh, no, no. He'd never hurt anyone. Please, I know he looks vicious, but he's really kind and gentle. He's my friend. :'''Gaston''': If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster. :'''Belle''': He's no monster, Gaston. You are! :'''Gaston''': She's as crazy as the old man! The Beast will make off with your children! He'll come after them in the night! :'''Belle''': No! :'''Gaston''': We're not safe until his head is mounted on my wall! I say we kill the Beast! :''[Mob cheers him and repeats the words 'kill him'.]'' :'''Man #1''': We're not safe until he's dead. :'''Man #2''': He'll come stalkin' us at night! :'''Woman #1''': Set to sacrifice our children to his monstrous appetite! :'''Man #3''': He'll wreak havoc on our village / If we let him wander free. :'''Gaston''': So, it's time, to take some action, boys, it's tiiime, tooo, folloooww, meeeeee!!!!!! ''[Gaston throws a torch into a haystack, creating an instant bonfire. He begins to prance around it, warning of the dangers of the horrible Beast.]'' Through the mist, through the woods / Through the darkness and the shadows / It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride. / Say a prayer, then we're there / At the drawbridge of a castle, And there's something truly terrible inside. ''[Gaston chases LeFou around, mimicking a monster.]'' It's a Beast, He's got fangs, razor sharp ones / Massive paws, Killer claws for the feast ''[Magic mirror shows the face of Beast to LeFou, which Gaston exaggerates about.]'' Hear him roar, see him foam, But we're not comin' home, Until he's dead / Good and dead, kill the Beast! :'''Belle''': ''[Interjecting]'' No, I won't let you do this. :'''Gaston''': If you're not with us, you're against us. Bring the old man. ''[Gaston is snatched the mirror and clutches the pants]'' :'''Maurice''': Get your hands off me! ''[Gaston throws them into the basement and bolts the door.]'' :'''Gaston''': We can't have them runnin' off to warn the creature! :'''Belle''': <big>'''''LET US OUT!!!'''''</big> :'''Gaston''': ''[To the crowd]'' We'll rid the village of this Beast. '''''Who's with me?''''' :''[A chorus of "I am"s comes from the crowd]'' :'''Mob''': Light your torch, mount your horse! :'''Gaston''': Screw your courage to the sticking place :'''Mob''': We're countin' on Gaston to lead the way! Through a mist, to a wood, Where within a haunted castle, Something's lurking that you don't see every day! ''[Gaston leads the Mob through the town and out into the forest, where they start chopping trees in preparation for their assault on the castle.]'' It's a Beast, One as tall as a mountain! We won't rest / Until he's good and deceased! Sally forth, tally ho, Grab your sword, grab your bow / Praise the Lord and here we go! :'''Gaston''': <big>'''''WE'LL LAY SIEGE TO HIS CASTLE AND BRING BACK HIS HEAD!!!'''''</big> :''[Cut to interior of basement, where Belle is prying at the window with a stick.]'' :'''Belle''': I have to warn the Beast. This is all my fault. Oh, Papa. What are we going to do? :'''Maurice''': ''[Comforting her]'' Now, now. We'll think of something. ''[We see Chip looking in through the window. He turns around, thinking, and then he sees Maurice's contraption with the axe on the end of it.]'' :'''Mob''': We don't like, what we don't / Understand, it frankly scares us / And this monster is mysterious at least! Bring your guns, bring your knives, Save your children and your wives, We'll save our village and our lives, We'll kill the Beast! :'''Cogsworth''': I knew it, I knew it was foolish to get our hopes up. :'''Lumière''': Maybe it would have been better if she had never come at all. ''[Sultan comes in barking. They rush over to the window expecting the return of Belle.]'' Could it be? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Is it she? :'''Lumière''': ''[Realizing the Mob is not Belle]'' Sacre bleu, invaders! :'''Cogsworth''': Encroachers! :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[Seeing Gaston]'' And they have the mirror! :'''Cogsworth''': ''[Issuing orders]'' Warn the master. If it's a fight they want, we'll be ready for them. ''[Turns around from window]'' Who's with me? Aahh! :''[The door is slammed as the rest of the Objects leave Cogsworth behind.]'' :'''Gaston''': Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine! :''[Cut to stairway, where Objects are marching down to do battle with the Mob.]'' :'''Objects''': Hearts ablaze, banners high! We go marching into battle, Unafraid, although the danger just increased! :'''Mob''': Raise the flag, sing the song / Here we come, we're fifty strong, and 50 Frenchmen can't be wro-o-o-ong, Let's kill the Beast! :''[Cut to interior of Beast's lair, where Mrs. Potts is briefing him.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Pardon me, master. :'''Beast''': Leave me in peace. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But sir, the castle is under attack! :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast! :''[The Objects have tried to block off the door, but it is being bashed in by the Mob.]'' :'''Lumière''': This isn't working! :'''Featherduster''': Oh, Lumière! We must do something! :'''Lumière''': Wait! I know! :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast! :''[Cut to Beast's lair]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': What shall we do, master? :'''Beast''': ''[Still very sad]'' It doesn't matter now. Just let them come. :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast, kill the Beast!! ''[The Mob succeeds in breaking in, and finds a grand entrance filled with assorted pieces of furniture, teacups, candlesticks, Featherdusters and clocks. They tiptoe in, and LeFou unknowingly picks up Lumière.]'' :'''Lumière''': '''''NOW!!!''''' ''[All the Objects spring into life, attacking their human enemies. Cut back to Belle's home, where Chip has readied the invention with purple smoke.]'' :'''Chip''': Yes! Here we go! :''[Chip has a rise in Maurice's invention with a violin sounds louder. Maurice looks out from the window and sees the advancing axe.]'' :'''Maurice''': What the devil? Belle, look out! :''[The invention crashes into the door, and a red cloud of smoke poofs out of the basement. Belle and Maurice emerge from the wreckage to find Chip swinging on a loose spring.]'' :'''Chip''': You guys gotta try this thing. :''[Cut back to the castle where the attack continues.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Up here, you scurvy scum! Now! ''[She and all the cups pour boiling tea on the guy's head.]'' :''[Cut back to the castle where the attack continues. Meanwhile, Gaston has broken off from the Mob, and is searching out Beast. Belle, Maurice, Philippe and Chip are making their way to the castle. Finally, the invaders (a la Invaders storm in '''[[w:Willow (1988 film)|Willow]]''').]'' :'''Stove''': Roaaaar! :'''Tom, Stanley and LeFou''': '''AAAAAAAAH!!''' :'''LeFou''': Move, move, move, move! :''[They are chased out and the Objects celebrate their victory.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': And stay out! ''[Lumière pulls over Cogsworth and kisses him once on each cheek. Cogsworth shakes it off.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to Gaston, who finds Beast's lair. He raises his crossbow and takes aim. Beast looks up at him, then looks back down in sadness again. Gaston releases the arrow and it strikes Beast in the shoulder. He screams in pain and stands. Gaston rushes him and they fly out the window onto the balcony, where it has begun to rain.]'' :'''Gaston''': Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ''[Gaston corners Beast on the edge of the roof. Beast simply sits there in despair.]'' Get up! Get up! What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back? :''[Beast looks down ignoring him. Gaston walks into the foreground and breaks off a piece of the roof. He is about to smash it on Beast's head when Belle's voice drifts up. She is on the bridge and is yelling to Gaston, telling him to stop.]'' :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': Belle. :'''Belle''': No, Gaston, don't! Let's go, Philippe. :'''Gaston''': ''[to Beast]'' <big>'''''COME ON, OUT AND FIGHT?!'''''</big> We're you in love with her, Beast? '''''DID YOU HONESTLY THINK SHE'D WANT YOU WHEN SHE HAD SOMEONE LIKE ME?!''''' :''[The Beast has been provoked enough. He emerges and they fight again]'' :'''Gaston''': It's over, Beast! '''''BELLE IS MINE!!''''' :''[The Beast and Gaston are fighting on top of the castle; the Beast strikes at him, grabs him and holds him over the edge]'' :'''Gaston''': ''[last words]'' Let me go, let me go! Please... don't hurt me! I'll do anything! '''''ANYTHING!!!!''''' :''[The Beast glares with fury, then his anger slowly melts as he realizes that Gaston's what he could've become. He pulls Gaston back in and close to his face]'' :'''Beast''': ''[in a calm, but tranquil fury manner]'' Get out. ''[shoves Gaston to the ground]'' :'''Belle''': ''[comes out on the balcony]'' Beast! :'''Beast''': Belle. ''[begins to climb the tower until he reaches the balcony. He hangs over the side]'' Belle? ''[they reached their hands as they reunite]'' You came back. :''[The Beast and Belle stare passionately at each other, but the moment is interrupted when Gaston sneaks up and stubs the Beast in the back with a knife. The Beast roars in pain and Gaston pulls the knife out and swings back for another shot. The Beast starts to fall, knocks over Gaston off his balances. Belle reaches forward and pulls the Beast back, while Gaston falls off into the castle moats to his deaths with a scream. Belle helps the injured Beast up onto the balcony, where he lies down on the floor. The servants come rushing out but stay out of sight. The Beast lays dying with Belle at his side; meanwhile, the rose is down to its last petal, weakly]'' :'''Beast''': You... You came back. :'''Belle''': Of course, I came back. I couldn't let them.... ''[hugs the Beast]'' Oh, this is all my fault. If only I'd gotten here sooner. :'''Beast''': Maybe it's better...it's better this way. :'''Belle''': Don't talk like that. You'll be all right. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine. You'll see. :'''Beast''': ''[last words; reaches up and touches Belle's cheek]'' At least...I got to see you...1 last time. ''[his paw falls and his eyes close as he dies]'' :'''Belle''': ''[gasps]'' No. No. Please. Please. Please don't leave me. ''[sobs]'' I love you. ''[The last petal falls away, leaving Cogsworth, Lumière, and Mrs. Potts distraught; suddenly, a magical shower falls around the Beast and Belle, and the Beast rises into the air, turning into a human prince Adam, whose name was Prince Adam; then, he lands on the ground and when he gets up, he turns toward Belle]'' :'''Prince Adam''': Belle... it's me. :'''Belle''': ''[looks into his eyes and recognizes him from the portrait]'' It ''is'' you! :''[They kiss, a fireworks display explodes around them. The gloom surrounding, the castle disappears, revealing a blue sky]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; The castle is transformed, with the gargoyles changing into cherubs. Finally, we return to the balcony, where the servants hop out to meet Prince Adam and Belle. One by one, they are transformed back to their original human conditions]'' :'''Prince Adam''': Lumiere! Cogsworth! Oh, Mrs. Potts! Look at us! ''[Chip comes riding in on Footstool]'' :'''Chip''': Mama! Mama! ''[The pair transforms back into a boy and dog]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[Picking up her boy]'' Oh, my goodness! :'''Lumière''': It is a miracle! :'''Belle''': How wonderful! ''[Prince Adam picks up Belle and swings her around. The ruffles of her skirt wipe to the ballroom, where all are gathered to celebrate, Prince Adam and Belle dance around the room as the rest at the characters]'' :'''Lumière''': Ah, l'amour. ''[Lumière says this, and a maid, obviously the former Featherduster walks by, brushing him on the chin; chuckles, starts to chase after her, but Cogsworth stops him]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Well, Lumiere, old friend. Shall we let bygones be bygones? :'''Lumière''': Of course, mon ami. I told you she would break the spell. :'''Cogsworth''': I beg your pardon, old friend, but I believe I told you. :'''Lumière''': No, you didn't. I told you. :'''Cogsworth''': You most certainly did not, you pompous paraffin-headed pea-brain! :'''Lumière''': En garde, you overgrown pocket watch! ''[Lumière takes off his glove and slaps Cogsworth across the face with it. They begin to fight. Cut to Belle and Prince Adam who continue to dance around the floor. The camera stops on Mrs. Potts, Chip and Maurice, who is beginning to crying]'' :'''Chip''': Are they going to live happily ever after, Mama? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Of course, my dear. Of course. :'''Chip''': ''[tiny pauses]'' Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard? ''[Maurice laughs and Mrs. Potts hugs her child and laughs. Cut to a camera looking over the entire ballroom with all in the shot. It slowly zooms out with Belle and Prince Adam dancing around the room, and fades into the final stained glass window, this one with Belle and Prince Adam in the center, surrounded by the rest of the characters]'' :'''Chorus''': Certain as the sun / Rising in the east / Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast!| Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast! ===Special Edition Release=== :'''Cogsworth''': Right then! You all know why we're here. We have exactly 12 hours, 36 minutes, and 15 seconds to create the most magical, spontaneous, romantic atmosphere known to man or beast. ''[Chuckles weakly]'' "Or beast.." Right. Need I remind you that if the last petal falls from this rose, the spell will never be broken! Very well. You all know your assignments. Half of you to the West Wing, half of you to the East Wing, the rest of you, come with me. :'''Lumière''': Hoho, lighten up Cogsworth, and let nature take its course. :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's obvious there's a spark between them. :'''Cogsworth''': Yes yes yes... But there's no harm in fanning the flames. You know, a little. Besides, they must fall in love tonight if we ever expect to be human again. :'''Lumière''': Aaah...human again... :'''Mrs. Potts''': Human again... :'''Lumière''': Yes, think what that means... ''[singing]'' I'll be cooking again, be good-looking again, With a mademoiselle on each arm / When I'm human again, only human again / Poised and polish and gleaming with charm / I'll be courting again, chic and sporting again :'''Mrs. Potts''': Which should cause several husbands alarm :'''Lumière''': ''(Ha, ha!)'' I'll hop down off this shelf, and tout de suite be myself, :'''Lumière, Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth''': I can't wait to be human again :'''Essentials''': When we're human again, only human again / When we're knickknacks and whatnots no more / When we're human again, good and human again :'''Wardrobe''': O, chérie, won't it all be top drawer? I'll wear lipstick and rouge / And I won't be so huge / Why, I'll easily fit through that door / I'll exude savoir faire / I'll wear gowns, I'll have hair / It's my prayer to be human again :'''Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth''': When we're human again, only human again / When the world once more starts making sense :'''Cogsworth''': I'll unwind, for a change :'''Lumière''': Really? That'd be strange :'''Cogsworth''': Can I help it if I'm t-t-tense? In a shack by the sea, I'll sit back, sipping tea Let my early retirement commence Far from fools made of wax, I'll get down to brass tacks and real-A-A-A-x! :'''Chorus''': When I'm human again! So sweep the dust from the floor / Let's let some light in the room / I can feel, I can tell someone might break the spell any day now / Shine up the brass on the door / Alert the dust pail and broom / If it all goes as planned our time may be at hand any day now :'''Fifi and the maids''': Open the shutters and let in some air :'''Mrs. Potts''': Put these here and put those over there :'''Chorus''': Sweep up the years, the sadness and tears and throw them away / We'll be human again, only human again / When the girl finally sets us all free / Cheeks a-blooming again, we're assuming again / We'll resume our long-lost joie de vivre / We'll be playing again, holidaying again / And we're praying it's ASAP / Little push, little shove / They could both fall in love / And we'll finally be human again... :''[Transition to the library]'' :'''Belle''': "...For there never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo." :'''Beast''': Could you read it again? :'''Belle''': Well, here. Why don't you read it to me? :'''Beast''': Uhhh...Alright. Hmm...I-I can't. :'''Belle''': You mean you never learned? :'''Beast''': I learned, a little. It's just been so long. :'''Belle''': Well here, I'll help you. Let's start...here. :'''Beast''': Here, twoe...? :'''Belle''': Two. :'''Beast''': Two, I knew that. Two households, both alike in dignity... :''[sung]'' :'''Chorus''': We'll be dancing again, we'll be twirling again / We'll whirling around with such ease / When we're human again, only human again / We'll go waltzing those old one-two-threes / We'll be floating again, we'll be gliding again /Stepping, striding, as fine as you please / Like a real human does, I'll be all that I was / On that glorious morn, when we're finally re-born / And we're all of us human again! ==CELINE DION & PEABO BRYSON lyrics (Beauty and the Beast)== :'''Celine Dion''': Ooh, ooh / Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly :'''Peabo Bryson''': Just a little change / Small, to say the least / Both a little scared / Neither one prepared :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Beauty and the beast / Ever just the same / Ever a surprise / Ever as before / Ever just as sure / As the sun will rise :'''Peabo Bryson''': Whoa, whoa-oh, whoa, oh :'''Celine Dion''': Ohh, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Ever just the same :'''Peabo Bryson''': Yeah / Ever a surprise :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Ever as before :'''Celine Dion''': Ever just as sure :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': As the sun will rise :'''Peabo Bryson''': Oh, oh, oh :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Peabo Bryson''': Ooh-ooh, ohh-ooh :'''Celine Dion''': Tune as old as song :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Bittersweet and strange / Finding you can change / Learning you were wrong :'''Peabo Bryson''': Certain as the sun :'''Celine Dion''': Certain as the sun :'''Peabo Bryson''': Rising in the east :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Peabo Bryson''': Song as old as rhyme :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Beauty and the beast :'''Peabo Bryson''': Oh Oh, whoa-oh :'''Celine Dion''': Ooh / Beauty and the beast == About ''Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)'' == * Well, originally when we were planning the big elaborate dance sequence that would include a moving camera craning up to the ceiling on the characters that would really have more of a live action feel to them—there was always this nagging doubt in our minds that it wasn't going to work at all (laughs). We had sort of a back-up plan just in case, if none of this works we'll just turn off all the lights and Bella and the Beast will be dancing in a little spotlight in a darkened room like an ice skating show (laughs). Fortunately, when we got the first piece of test film back, it was amazingly breathtaking, made a big sigh of relief because we knew it was going to work. * We actually designed all the camera movement first and animated the characters to match that. * We created computer generated stand-ins, the ballroom was sort of a chicken-wire kind of thing and Bella & the Beast were represented by these box and egg sort of things. * You have to make all the same decisions that a live action director would have to make. Everything from where to put the camera to what the emotional tone of the scene is going to be, in addition to answering all the questions about costume design and weather and color and all the numerous elements that go into making the scene. We're there every step of the way from the very first crude character designs and early storyboards to how loud the footsteps of the Beast should be as he's walking across the marble floor. We shepherd the process from beginning to end. ** [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]] [http://www.bigmoviezone.com/articles/index.html?uniq=84] == Cast (voices) == * [[w:Paige O'Hara|Paige O'Hara]] – B. la Belle the Beauty * [[w:Rex Everhart|Rex Everhart]] – Maurice * [[w:Robby Benson|Robby Benson]] – Master B. le Bête the Beast/Prince Adam * [[w:Richard White (actor)|Richard White]] – Gaston * [[w:Jerry Orbach|Jerry Orbach]] – Monsieur Lumière the Candelabra * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] – Narrator, Sir Cogsworth the Clock * [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] – Mrs. Potts the Teapot * [[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] – Claudette Bimbette, Laurette Bimbette * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] – Paulette Bimbette * [[w:Jesse Corti|Jesse Corti]] – Monsieur LeFou * [[w:Bradley Pierce|Bradley Pierce]] – Chip Potts the Teacup * [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] – Fifi Plumette Featherduster * [[w:Hal Smith|Hal Smith]] – Philippe B. the Horse * [[w:Jack Angel|Jack Angel]] – Tavern Man, Tom * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] – Dick * [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] – Stanley * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Patrick Pinney]] – Walter * Mickie McGowan – French Peasant Woman * Carole Jeghers – Woman holding the baby == External links == {{wikipedia|Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0101414|title=Beauty and the Beast}} {{Disney's Beauty and the Beast}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)]] [[Category:1991 animated films]] [[Category:1991 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's films]] [[Category:Gary Trousdale films]] [[Category:Kirk Wise films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Best Original Score Academy Award winners]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] esoozwri9voe5q8ngzumeqam3t9ia60 3944641 3944640 2026-05-23T23:05:17Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944641 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Beauty and the Beast in a Disneyland parade.JPG|thumb|right|In a Walt Disney World parade.]] '''''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|The Beauty and the Beast]]''''', also known as simply '''''Beauty and the Beast''''', '''''The Beauty and Beast''''' or '''''Beauty and Beast''''', is an American [[w:1991 in film|1991 animated film]] about a prince cursed to spend his days as a hideous monster who sets out to regain his humanity by earning a young woman's love. It was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. :''Directed by [[w:Gary Trousdale|Gary Trousdale]] and [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]]. Written by [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]'', based on the [[w:Beauty and the Beast|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve|Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve]], and based on 18th-century France, Paris. :''Music by [[Alan Menken]]'' and includes "[[w:Beauty and the Beast (Disney song)|Beauty and the Beast]]". Written by [[w:Howard Ashman|Howard Ashman]] and performed by [[w:Peabo Brysonf|Peabo Bryson]] and [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]]. {{center|'''The most beautiful love story ever told.'''}} == Belle == * What is this place? Phillipe, please, steady. ''[enters the gate and sees Maurice's hat on the ground]'' Papa. * That's funny, I'm sure there was someone... I-I-Is there anyone here? * He's no monster, Gaston. You are! * ''[gasps]'' No... no! No, please... Please don't leave me... ''[she sobs softly, laying her face against his chest]'' I love you... == Prince Adam/The Beast == * Yes... but you must promise to stay here forever. * The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the west wing. ''['''Belle''': What's in the West--] [growls]'' It's forbidden! * You will join me for dinner! THAT'S NOT A REQUEST! == Gaston == * ''['''LeFou''': So, how'd it go?]'' I'll have Belle for my wife. Make no mistake about that. * Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine! * If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster. * What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back? == Lumière == * Ma chère, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pride pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner. * Don't you see? She's the one. The girl we have been waiting for. She has come to break the spell! == Cogsworth == * Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch. * Dinner is served. == Mrs. Potts == * How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time. * Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman. == Chip Potts == * Mama. There's a girl in the castle. * You guys gotta try this thing. == Maurice == * If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. Yes, is that everything? I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow, I... I'll get her out of there. * Hitch up Philippe, girl. I'm off to the fair! == Others == * '''Tavern Man''': Maurice? * '''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father in the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[They both nod in agreement]'' Oh, that is despicable. I love it! * '''Tom''': Who? * '''Dick''': Is it a big beast? * '''Stanley''': With a long, ugly snout? * '''Walter''': And sharp, cruel fangs? == Dialogue == :'''Narrator''': ''[first lines]'' Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast? :''[We have seen a progression of stained glass windows illustrating the narration, as well as Beast shredding his portrait, the camera slowly zooms out from the castle. A girl with beautiful, long, flowing and wavy brown hair tied up in a low ponytail tied up by a ribbon captivating, large, striking, expressive and round hazel eyes, full pink lips, fair skin, rosy cheeks, full, soft and slightly arched eyebrows, small and petite duchess nose, a heart-shaped round face and a sculpted, slim and well-proportioned figure, wearing a medium-length cerulean blue sleeveless dress with a white long puffy-sleeved shirt with a puffy collar underneath, a white apron around her waist, a white petticoat, and dark brown ballet flats with darker brown soles on her feet, her name is Belle. She exits the front door and begins her walk into town like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' Little town, it's a quiet village / Every day, like the one before / Little town, full of little people / Waking up to say? :'''Townsfolk #1''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #2''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #3''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #4''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #5''': Bonjour! :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' There goes the baker with his tray like always / The same old bread and rolls to sell / Every mornin' just the same / Since the mornin' that we came / To this poor provincial town... :'''Baker''': Good mornin', Belle! :''[Belle jumps over to the bakery]'' :'''Belle''': Mornin' monsieur! :'''Baker''': Where are you off to? :'''Belle''': The bookshop! I just finished the most wonderful story, about a beanstalk and an ogre and... :'''Baker''': ''[ignoring her]'' That's nice...Marie, the baguettes! Hurry up!! :'''Townsfolk''': Look there she goes, that girl is strange no question / Dazed and distracted, can't you tell? :'''Woman #1''': Never part of any crowd :'''Barber''': Cause her head's up on some cloud :'''Townsfolk''': No denying she's a funny girl, that Belle! :'''Driver''': Bonjour! :'''Woman #2''': Good day! :'''Driver''': How is your family? :'''Woman #3''': Bonjour! :'''Merchant''': Good day! :'''Woman #3''': How is your wife? :'''Woman #4''': I need six eggs! :'''Man #1''': That's too expensive! :'''Belle''': There must be more than this provincial life! :''[Belle enters the bookshop]'' :'''Bookseller''': Ah, Belle! :'''Belle''': Good mornin'. I've come to return the book I borrowed. :'''Bookseller''': ''[putting the book back on the shelf]'' Finished already? :'''Belle''': Oh, I couldn't put it down! Have you got anything new? :'''Bookseller''': ''[laughing]'' Not since yesterday. :'''Belle''': ''[on ladder of bookshelf]'' That's all right. I'll borrow... this one. :'''Bookseller''': That one? But you've read it twice! :'''Belle''': Well, it's my favorite! ''[Belle swings off side of ladder, rolling down it's track]'' Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! :'''Bookseller''': ''[handing her the book]'' Well, if you like it all that much, it's yours! :'''Belle''': But sir! :'''Bookseller''': I insist! :'''Belle''': Well, thank you. Thank you, very much! ''[leaves bookshop]'' :'''Men''': ''[looking in window, then turning to watch her]'' Look there she goes / That girl is so peculiar! / I wonder if she's feeling well! :'''Women''': With a dreamy far-off look! :'''Men''': And her nose stuck in a book! :'''All''': What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle! ''[Belle sits on the edge of a fountain, singing to a flock of sheep and the washing woman in the background, who leaves]'' :'''Belle''': Ohhhhh, isn't this amazing! / It's my favorite part because, you'll see! / Here's where she meets Prince Charming / But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three! :'''Woman #5''': Now it's no wonder that her name means 'beauty' / Her looks have got no parallel! :'''Merchant''': But behind that fair facade / I'm afraid she's rather odd / Very different from the rest of us... :'''All''': She's nothing like the rest of us / Yes different from the rest of us is Belle. :'''LeFou''': ''[first words]'' Wow! You didn't miss a shot, Gaston! You're the greatest hunter in the whole world! :'''Gaston''': ''[first words]'' I know! :'''LeFou''': Huh. No beast alive stands a chance against you...and no girl for that matter! :'''Gaston''': It's true, LeFou, and I've got my sights set on that one! ''[pointing to Belle]'' :'''LeFou''': The inventor's daughter? :'''Gaston''': She's the one! The lucky girl I'm going to marry. :'''LeFou''': But she's-- :'''Gaston''': The most beautiful girl in town. :'''LeFou''': I know-- :'''Gaston''': And that makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best? :'''LeFou''': Well of course, I mean you do, but I mean... :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' Right from the moment when I met her, saw her / I said she's gorgeous and I fell / Here in town there's only she ''[Belle walks by and away]'' / Who is beautiful as me / So I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle. :'''Bimbettes''': Look there he goes, isn't he dreamy / Monsieur Gaston, oh he's so cute / Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing / He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute. ''[Belle walks easily through the crowd of people in the town, Gaston struggles to catch up to her]'' :'''Man #1''': Bonjour! :'''Man #2''': Good day! :'''Man #3''': Mais oui! :'''Woman #1''': You call this bacon? :'''Woman #2''': What lovely grapes! :'''Man #4''': Some cheese! :'''Woman #3''': 10 yards! :'''Man #4''': 1 pound! :'''Gaston''': Excuse me! :'''Man #4''': I'll get the knife! :'''Gaston''': Please let me through! :'''Woman #4''': This bread, it's stale! :'''Man #5''': Those fish! They smell! :'''Man #6''': Madame's mistaken! :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' There must be more than this provincial life! :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' Just watch I'm going to make Belle my wife! ''[Townsfolk gather around Gaston, and eventually surround him]'' :'''Chorus''': Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special / A most peculiar mademoiselle / It's a pity and a sin / She doesn't quite fit in! / 'Cause she really is a funny girl! / A beauty but a funny girl / She really is a funny girl! / That Belle!? :'''Gaston''': Bonjour! Whoa-oh! ''[song ends; to Belle]'' Hello, Belle. :'''Belle''': Bonjour, Gaston. ''[Gaston grabs the book from Belle]'' Gaston, may I have my book, please? :'''Gaston''': How can you read this? There's no pictures! :'''Belle''': Well, some people use their imagination. :'''Gaston''': Belle, it's about time you got your head out of those books, ''[tossing book into the mud]'' and paid attention to more important things. Like me. The whole town's talking about it. ''[The Bimbettes, who are looking on, sighing romantically. Belle has picked up the book and is cleaning off the mud]'' It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking. :'''Belle''': Gaston, you are positively primeval. :'''Gaston''': ''[putting his hand around her shoulders]'' Why, thank you, Belle. What do you say you and me take a walk over to the tavern, and take a look at my trophies? :'''Belle''': Maybe some other time. :'''Bimbette #1''': What's the matter with her? :'''Bimbette #2''': She's crazy! :'''Bimbette #3''': He's gorgeous. :'''Belle''': Please, Gaston, I can't. I have to get home to help my father. Goodbye. :'''LeFou''': Ha ha ha, that crazy old loon, he needs all the help he can get! ''[he and Gaston laugh heartily]'' :'''Belle''': ''[angrily]'' Don't you talk about my father that way. :'''Gaston''': Yeah, don't talk about her father that way! ''[conks LeFou on the head]'' :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy! He's a genius! ''[explosion in background. Gaston and LeFou continue laughing. She rushes home and descends into the basement; coughed]'' Papa?! :'''Maurice''': How on earth did that happen? ''[Belle coughs again]'' Doggone it! ''[pulls the barrel off his waist, along with his pants]'' :'''Belle''': Are you alright, Papa? :'''Maurice''': I'm about ready to give up on this hunk of junk! ''[kicks the machine]'' :'''Belle''': You always say that. :'''Maurice''': I mean it this time! I'll never get this boneheaded contraption to work! :'''Belle''': Yes, you will. And you'll win first prize at the fair tomorrow. :'''Maurice''': Hmmmph! :'''Belle''': And become a world-famous inventor. :'''Maurice''': You really believe that? :'''Belle''': I always have. :'''Maurice''': Well, what are we waitin' for? I'll have this thin' fixed in no time. Hand me that... The dog-legged clincher there. So, did you have a good time in town today? :'''Belle''': I got a new book. Papa, do you think I'm odd? :'''Maurice''': My daughter? Odd? Ha! Where would you get an idea like that? :'''Belle''': I don't know. It's just that I'm not sure I fit in here. There's no one I can really talk to. :'''Maurice''': What about that Gaston? He's a handsome fella. :'''Belle''': He's handsome, all right, and rude and conceited and... Oh, Papa, he's not for me. :'''Maurice''': Well, don't you worry. Cause this invention's gonna be the start of a new life for us. ''[comes out from under machine]'' I think that's done it. Now, let's give it a try. :''[Machine whirs and chops wood, just as it should]'' :'''Belle''': It works! :'''Maurice''': It does? It does! :'''Belle''': You did it! You really did it! :'''Maurice''': Hitch up Philippe, girl. I'm off to the fair! :''[Log strikes him in the head, knocking him out. Fade to later in the day]'' :'''Belle''': Goodbye, Papa! Good luck! :'''Maurice''': Goodbye, Belle, and take care while I'm gone! :''[Fade to the deep forest, night. After a few hours of traveling, it seems obvious that they are lost, after Belle plays the violin. Philippe walks on cautiously, frightened out of his wits]'' :'''Maurice''': We should be there by now. ''[above them, an owl hoots, adding to the spookiness of the environment]'' Maybe we missed a turn. I guess I should have taken... wait a minute. ''[raising his lantern toward a sign with arrows pointing in separate directions, though the writing is faded and unreadable. Philippe snorts, and whinnies to go one fashion, but he pulls his reins in the separate direction]'' No, let's go this way! ''[Philippe whinnies and looks at the path Maurice has picked. It is dark and foggy with light blue clouds, with many trees forming an archway. Then he looks at the other path, which is much more inviting. Philippe whinnies to go on the safer path, but he pulls him toward the other one]'' Come on, Philippe, it's a shortcut! We'll be there in no time. ''[the two continue down the path, albeit slowly due to Philippe, fearing what can be lurking about in the darkness. At that moment, a shadow whisks past them and the sound of wolf howling fills the air, spooking Philippe whinnies; looking at his map]'' This can't be right. Where have you taken us, Philippe? We'd better turn around. ''[suddenly, the howling becomes louder. Philippe whinnies to back up, afraid of whatever might be around them]'' Whoa. Whoa, boy. Whoa, now. Whoa, Philippe. ''[but the spooked horse does not stop in time, and bumps into a hollow tree. A flocks of bats swarm out and surround them]'' Look out! No! ''[Philippe runs off in fear, not noticing where he's going]'' Whoa! Whoa, boy! ''[eventually, his steed stops until he sees where he is; at the edge of a very tall cliff]'' Back up! Back up! Back up! ''[they back off slowly, yet afraid to an inch of their lives]'' Good boy, good boy. That's good, that's–back up! Steady. Steady! Now, steady. Steady. ''[the howling is now so loud, Philippe whinnying]'' Oh, no, Philippe?! ''[looks up and sees wolves growling at him. Maurice runs away, being chased by the wolves. He stumbles down a hill, and lands at the gate of a castle. He grabs the locked gate and tries to shake it open]'' Help! Is... Is someone there? Help! :''[The gate opens, and Maurice runs in. He slams the gate in the faces of the wolves. Leaving his hat on the ground as the rain begins to fall, Maurice runs to the castle and bangs on the door. It creaks open and he enters, cautiously]'' :'''Maurice''': Hello? Hello? :''[Watching from a table near the entrance are Lumière and Cogsworth]'' :'''Lumière''': ''[barely whispering]'' Poor fellow must have lost his way in the woods. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[also whispering]'' Keep quiet! Maybe he'll go away. :'''Maurice''': Is someone there? :'''Cogsworth''': Not a word, Lumiere. Not one word! :'''Maurice''': I don't mean to intrude, but I've lost my horse and I need a place to stay for the night. :'''Lumière''': ''[looking at Cogsworth like a child having just found a lost puppy]'' Oh, Cogsworth, have a heart. :'''Cogsworth''': Shush shush shhhhh! ''[puts hand over Lumière's mouth, who promptly proceeds to touch his lit candle hand to Cogsworth's hand]'' Ow, ow! '''''OW, OW, OW, OUCH!!!!!''''' :'''Lumière''': Of course, monsieur, you are welcome here. :'''Maurice''': ''[looking around in confusion]'' Who said that? :''[He picks up the candlestick for light, not realizing that the speaker is in his hand]'' :'''Lumière''': ''[tapping him on the shoulder]'' Over here! :'''Maurice''': ''[spins around, pulling Lumière to the other side]'' Where? :'''Lumière''': ''[taps Maurice on the side of the head. Maurice looks at Lumière]'' Hello! :'''Maurice''': Oh!!!! ''[startled, he drops Lumière onto the floor]'' Incredible! :'''Cogsworth''': ''[hopping over]'' Well, now you've done it, Lumière. Splendid, just peachy--aaarrrgghh! :''[Maurice picks up Cogsworth]'' :'''Maurice''': How is this accomplished? :''[He fiddles with Cogsworth]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Put me down! At once! ''[Maurice tickles the bottoms of Cogsworth's feet. He laughs. He begins to wind the spring on the back of Cogsworth's head, twisting his face around with the clock hands. Maurice opens the front of Cogsworth and begins to play with his pendulum. Cogsworth slams the door shut on his finger]'' Stop that! Stop that, I say! Sir, close that at once, do you mind! :'''Maurice''': I beg your pardon, it's just that I've never seen a clock that...aah...I mean...aah aah aah-chooo!!! :''[Maurice sneezes in the face of Cogsworth, who proceeds to wipe his face off using his clock hands in a very anachronistic windshield wiper manner. Maurice sniffles, indicating the cold he has caught from being in the rain]'' :'''Lumière''': Oh, you are soaked to the bone, monsieur. Come, warm yourself by the fire. :'''Maurice''': Thank you. :''[Lumière and Maurice head towards the den, with Cogsworth running after them]'' :'''Cogsworth''': No, no, no, do you know what the master would do if he finds you here. ''[Beast is watching the action from an overhead walkway, and rushes off as the trio enters the den]'' I demand that you stop...right...there! ''[Cogsworth tumbles down the steps. Maurice takes a seat in a large chair in front of a roaring fire]'' Oh, no, not the master's chair! ''[Footstool rushes past Cogsworth, barking up a storm]'' I'm not seeing this, I'm not seeing this! :'''Maurice''': ''[as Footstool rushes up to him]'' Well, hello there, boy. ''[Footstool props himself up under the feet of Maurice. Coatrack enters and removes his cloak]'' What service! :'''Cogsworth''': All right, this has gone far enough. I'm in charge here... :''[Cogsworth is run over by the (once again) anachronistic IndyCar sounding teacart of Mrs. Potts]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[arriving by the side of Maurice]'' How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time. :''[Mrs. Potts pours tea into cup, Chip, which hops over into Maurice's open hand]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[from face down position on carpet]'' No! No tea, no tea!!! :'''Chip''': ''[as Maurice sips the tea]'' Ha ha! His mustache tickles, Mama! :'''Maurice''': ''[startled by the cup]'' Oh! Hello! :''[The door to the den slams open and a strong gust of wind blows into the room, extinguishing Lumière's flames and the fire in the fireplace. Cogsworth dives for cover. Mrs. Potts begins to shake. Chip jumps back onto the tea cart and takes refuge from behind his mother]'' :'''Chip''': Uh-oh! :''[Beast enters. We see him in full for the first time. He is on all fours. He looks around in the darkness]'' :'''Beast''': ''[first words; growling his words]'' There's a stranger here. :'''Lumière''': ''[who has relit his flames]'' Master, allow me to explain. The gentleman was lost in the woods and he was cold and wet, so... :''[Lumière's last sentence is drowned out by the very loud growl of Beast, which puts out his flames once again. Lumière looks down, dejected]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[coming out from under a rug]'' Master, I'd like to take this moment to say, I was against this from the start. It was all his fault. I tried to stop them, but would they listen to me? No, no... ''[Again, Beast's growl drowns out Cogsworth]'' :''[The Beast barges in to see Maurice getting settled in the castle]'' :'''Beast''': Who are you?! What are you doing here?! :'''Maurice''': I-I-I was lost in the woods and-- :'''Beast''': You're not '''WELCOME HERE!''' :'''Maurice''': I-I'm...I'm sorry. :'''Beast''': What are you '''STARING AT?!''' :'''Maurice''': Nothing. :'''Beast''': So...you've come to stare at the '''BEAST, HAVE YOU?!?!''' ''[blocks Maurice's way]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[pleaders]'' Please! I mean no harm, I just needed a place to stay! :'''Beast''': I'll give you a place to stay! ''[picks up Maurice]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[as the Beast takes him to the tower]'' No, no, please! No! No! ''[door slams]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''LeFou''': Heh! Oh boy! Belle's gonna get the surprise of her life, huh Gaston? :'''Gaston''': Yep. This is her lucky day. :''[Gaston lets go of a branch, which swings back and hits LeFou in the mouth. Gaston turns to the band, wedding guests and others, apparently just out of sight of Belle's cottage.]'' :'''Gaston''': I'd like to thank you all for coming to my wedding. But first, I'd better go in there and... propose to the girl. ''[chuckles; the male guests laugh and the Bimbettes sob]'' And you, LeFou. When Belle and I come out that door... :'''LeFou''': Oh, I know! I know! I strike up the band! :''[The band plays "Here Comes the Bride," loud and fast, until Gaston rams a tuba down on LeFou's head]'' :'''Gaston''': Not yet! :'''LeFou''': ''[sticked his lips through the mouthpiece]'' Sorry! :''[There was a knock on the door.]'' :'''Belle''': Gaston, what a pleasant surprise. :'''Gaston''': Isn't it though? I'm just full of surprises. You know, Belle. There's not a girl in town who wouldn't love to be in your shoes. This is the day...''[Gaston pauses by a mirror and licks his teeth clean.]'' This is the day your dreams come true. :'''Belle''': What do you know about my dreams, Gaston? :'''Gaston''': Plenty! Here, picture this. ''[sits, props muddy boots on Belle's book, kicks them off]'' A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife, massaging my feet, while the little ones play with the dogs. We'll have six or seven. :'''Belle''': Dogs? :'''Gaston''': No, Belle! Strapping boys, like me! :'''Belle''': Imagine that. ''[retrieves book and shelves it]'' :'''Gaston''': And do you know who that wife will be? :'''Belle''': Let me think. :'''Gaston''': You, Belle! :'''Belle''': I'm speechless! I really don't know what to say. :'''Gaston''': Say you'll marry me! :'''Belle''': I'm very sorry, Gaston, but... ''[turns the doorknob]'' ...but I just don't deserve you! :''[She opens the door]'' :'''Gaston''': Whoa! :''[Gaston stumbles out and she throws his boots after him before closing it. Gaston lands in a pig's mud wallow as LeFou conducts the band in "Here Comes the Bride"]'' :'''LeFou''': Ooh, so, how'd it go? Oomph! Uh. :'''Gaston''': ''[picks up LeFou, angrily]'' I'll have Belle for my wife! Make no mistake about that! :'''LeFou''': Oh. :''[throws LeFou into the mud and storms off]'' :'''LeFou''': Hmm! Touchy! ''[The pig oinks in agreement]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Belle''': ''[to the chickens]'' Is he gone? ''[seeing he is, hurried outside, a bucket of chickens feed in her hand]'' Can you imagine? He asked me to marry him. Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless? ''[walks of the animals, and feeding the chickens, singing]'' Madame Gaston, can't you just see it? / Madame Gaston, his little wife. ''[kicks the buckets, the chickens clucking and goats bleats]'' / No, sir, not me, I guarantee it / I want much more than this provincial life. / I want adventure in the great wide somewhere / I want it more than I can tell / And for once it might be grand / To have someone understand / I want so much more than they've got planned ''[Phillipe runs into the open field. Belle looks at him, disturbed that Maurice is not with him.]'' :'''Belle''': Phillipe! What are you doing here? Where's Papa? Where is he, Philippe? What happened? Oh, we have to find him, you have to take me to him. ''[Belle unhitches the wagon from Philippe.]'' :''[Outside the castle gate. (How Phillipe brought Belle there is a mystery, seeing as Phillipe never made it to the castle with Maurice.)]'' :'''Belle''': What is this place? :'''Philippe''': ''[snorts, neighs]'' :'''Belle''': Phillipe, please, steady. Papa. :'''Cogsworth''': Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch. :'''Lumière''': I was trying to be hospitable. :'''Belle''': Hello? Is anyone here? Hello? Papa? Papa, are you here? :'''Chip''': Momma. There's a girl in the castle! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Now, Chip, I won't have you making up such wild stories. :'''Chip''': But really, momma, I saw her. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Not another word. Into the tub. :'''Featherduster''': A girl! I saw a girl in the castle! :'''Chip''': See, I told ya! :'''Cogsworth''': Irresponsible, devil-may-care, waxy eared, slack-jawed-- :'''Belle''': Papa? :'''Lumière''': Did you see that? It's a girl! :'''Cogsworth''': I know it's a girl. :'''Lumière''': Don't you see? She's the one. The girl we have been waiting for. She has come to break the spell! :'''Cogsworth''': Wait a minute, wait a minute! :'''Belle''': Papa? Papa? Hello? Is someone here? Wait! I'm looking for my father! I... That's funny, I'm sure there was someone... I-I-Is there anyone here? :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''Belle''': Oh, Papa! :'''Maurice''': But how did you find me? :'''Belle''': Oh, your hands are ice. I have to get you out of here! :'''Maurice''': You must go! :'''Belle''': Who's done this to you? :'''Maurice''': No time to explain! You must go ''now!'' :'''Belle''': I won't leave you! :'''Beast''': '''What are you doing here?!''' :'''Maurice''': Run, Belle! :'''Belle''': Who's there? Who are you? :'''Beast''': The master of this castle. :'''Belle''': I've come for my father. Please let him out! Can't you see he's sick?! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' Then he shouldn't have trespassed here! :'''Belle''': But he could die! Please, I'll do anything! :'''Beast''': There's nothing you can do! He's my prisoner! :'''Belle''': Oh, there must be some way I can... Wait! Take me instead. :'''Beast''': '''''YOU'''''... You would... take his place? :'''Maurice''': Belle, no! You don't know what you're doing! :'''Belle''': If I did, would you let him go? :'''Beast''': Yes. But... you must promise to stay here forever! :'''Belle''': Come into the light. :'''Maurice''': No, Belle! I won't let you do this! :'''Belle''': You have my word. :'''Beast''': Done! :'''Maurice''': No, Belle. Listen to me. I'm old, I've lived my life- :'''Belle''': Wait! :'''Maurice''': '''Belle!''' :'''Belle''': ''WAIT!!'' :'''Maurice''': No, please spare my daughter! :'''Beast''': She's no longer your concern. Take him to the village. :'''Maurice''': Please, let me out, please! :'''Lumière''': Master? :'''Beast''': What? :'''Lumière''': Since the girl is going to be with us for quite some time, I was thinking that you might want to offer her a more comfortable room. Then again, maybe not. :'''Belle''': You didn't even let me say goodbye. I'll never see him again. I didn't get to say goodbye. :'''Beast''': I'll show you to your room. :'''Belle''': My room? But I thought... :'''Beast''': You wanna stay in the tower? :'''Belle''': No. :'''Beast''': Then follow me. :'''Lumière''': Say something to her. :'''Beast''': Hmm? Oh. I hope you like it here. The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing. :'''Belle''': What's in the West... :'''Beast''': It's forbidden! Now, if you need anything, my servants will attend you. :'''Lumière''': Dinner... invite her to dinner. :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' You will join me for dinner. That's not a request! <hr width="50%/> :'''Gaston''': ''[displeased about what happened to him]'' Who does she think she is? That girl has '''''tangled''''' with the wrong man! No one says no to Gaston! :'''LeFou''': Heh-heh! Darn right! :'''Gaston''': Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly Humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear! ''[throwing his two mugs of beer into the fireplace]'' :'''LeFou''': More beer? :'''Gaston''': ''[frustratingly turning his chair away from the fireplace]'' What for? Nothing helps! I'm disgraced. :'''LeFou''': Who, you? Never! Gaston, you've gotta pull yourself together! ''[singing]'' Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston / Looking so down in the dumps / Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston :'''Old Cronies''': Hooray! :'''LeFou''': Even when taking your lumps / There's no man in town as admired as you / You're everyone's favorite guy! / Everyone's awed and inspired by you / <big>'''''AND IT'S NOT... VERY HARD! TO SEE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!'''''</big> / Noooooo, oooone's sllllick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston / No one's next as incredibly thick as Gaston / For there's no man in town half as manly / Perfect, a pure paragon! / You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley / And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be '''''yooooooown!!!!!!''''' :''[LeFou has pulled a man's belt off, whose pants fall to the ground. LeFou jumps up and wraps the belt around Gaston's neck, who flexes and breaks it off. LeFou continues to dance around. Old cronies pick him up and swing him around]'' :'''Old Cronies''': Noooooo, oooone's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston. :'''Gaston''': As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating! :'''Old Cronies''': My, what a guy that Gaston! ''[swing LeFou back and forth into the camera. LeFou tickles Gaston's chin, who stands with pride]'' Give 5 hurrahs, give 12 hip-hips! :'''LeFou''': Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips! :''[LeFou swings up his arm in dance and throws a mug of beer in Gaston's face, who socks LeFou in the face]'' :'''All''': Noooooo, oooone, fights like Gaston, douses lights like Gaston. :'''Stanley''': In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston. :'''Bimbettes''': For there's no one as burly and brawny. :'''Gaston''': As you see I've got biceps to spare. :'''LeFou''': Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny. :'''Gaston''': That's right! And every last inch of me's covered with hair! ''[Gaston fights with the men, then lifts a bench with the Bimbettes on it. He drops the bench on LeFou, then turns to the camera and reveals his hairy chest]'' :'''Old Cronies''': No one hits like Gaston, matches wits like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston! :'''Gaston''': I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptooey! :'''All''': '''''10 POINTS FOR GASTON!''''' :''[Gaston plays a chess game with a man, then hits the board, sending it and pieces all over. He takes a bite of leather from the belt once wrapped around his neck, chews it and spits it into a spittoon, which falls and gets stuck on the head of LeFou]'' :'''Gaston''': When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs. Every morning to help me get '''''LARGE!!!''''' And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs. So I'm roughly the size of a '''''ba-a-a-a-arge!''''' ''[Gaston juggles a number of eggs, then swallows them whole. LeFou attempts the trick, and is hit in the face by three eggs]'' :'''All''': Noooooo, oooone shoots like Gaston, makes those beauts like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston. :'''Gaston''': I use antlers in all of my decorating! :''[Gaston takes three shots at a beer barrel, which begins leaking into the mugs of onlookers. He returns stomping to his chair, where we see the fireplace surrounded by the heads of the animals he has killed. The mystery cut of music is here! Cut to ending of "Gaston Reprise"]'' :'''All''': My what a '''''guuuuuy!''''' <big>'''''GASTOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!'''''</big> :''[The old cronies have picked up the chair and carry Gaston around in it. LeFou tries to flee, but they toss the chair into its normal place, and LeFou is pinned underneath. Maurice bursts in frantically]'' :'''Maurice''': Help! Someone help me! :'''Tavern Man''': Maurice? :'''Maurice''': Please! Please, I need your help! He's got her. He's got her locked in the dungeon. :'''Tom''': Who? :'''Maurice''': Belle. We must go. Not... not a minute to lose! :'''Gaston''': Whoa! Slow down, Maurice. Who's got Belle locked in a dungeon? :'''Maurice''': A beast! A horrible, monstrous beast! ''[Maurice has gone from person to person, pleading his case, until he is thrown at the feet of Gaston. A moment of silence, then the old cronies begin to laugh and mock him]'' :'''Dick''': Is it a big beast? :'''Maurice''': Huge! :'''Stanley''': With a long, ugly snout? :'''Maurice''': Hideously ugly! :'''Walter''': And sharp, cruel fangs? :'''Maurice''': Yes, yes. Will you help me? :'''Gaston''': All right, old man. We'll help you out. :'''Maurice''': You will? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! :''[The old cronies pick up Maurice and help him out by throwing him through the door]'' :'''Tom''': Crazy old Maurice. :'''Dick''': He's always good for a laugh! :'''Gaston''': ''[very pensive]'' Crazy old Maurice, hmm? Crazy old Maurice. Hmm? ''[singing]'' LeFou, I'm afraid I've been thinking. :''[LeFou is still under the chair]'' :'''LeFou''': ''[singing]'' A dangerous pastime-- :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' I know, / But that wacky old coot is Belle's father / And his sanity's only so-so...| Now the wheels in my head have been turning / Since I looked at that loony old man / See I promised myself I'd be married to Belle, / And right now I'm evolving a plan! ''[Gaston picks LeFou out from under the chair and holds his head close, and whispers]'' :'''Gaston''': If I... ''[whispers]'' :'''LeFou''': Yes? :'''Gaston''': Then I... ''[whispers]'' :'''LeFou''': No, would she? :'''Gaston''': ''[whispering]'' ...GUESS! :'''LeFou''': Now I get it! :'''Gaston and LeFou''': '''Let's Go!''' ''[they begin a waltz around the floor as they sings]'' Noooooo, oooooone, plots like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston. :'''Chorus''': SO HIS MARRIAGE WE SOON'LL BE '''''Celebra-a-a-ti-i-ing!''''' / My what a guy, '''''GASTOOOOOOOOOON!!!''''' :''[Camera zooms out through window to snow covered square, empty except for Maurice]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[to no one in particular]'' Will no one help me? ''[Random; ? At the bedroom of the castle where Belle is still crying. There is a 'clink clink clink' at the door. She gets up and walks over to open the door. Mrs. Potts enters with Chip and their entourage]'' :'''Belle''': Who is it? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Mrs. Potts, dear. I thought you might like a spot of tea. :'''Belle''': But you...ah...but...I-- :'''Wardrobe''': Oof. Careful! :'''Belle''': This is impossible-- :'''Wardrobe''': I know it is, but here we are! :'''Chip''': Told you she was pretty, Mama, didn't I? :'''Mrs. Potts''': All right, now, Chip, that'll do. Slowly now. Don't spill. :'''Belle''': Thank you. :'''Chip''': Want to see me do a trick? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Chip?! :'''Chip''': Oops, sorry. :'''Mrs. Potts''': That was a very brave thing you did, my dear. :'''Wardrobe''': We all think so. :'''Belle''': But I've lost my father, my dreams, everything. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Cheer up, child. It'll turn out all right in the end. You'll see. Oops! Look at me, jabbering on, when there's a supper to get on the table. Chip! :'''Chip''': Bye! :'''Wardrobe''': Well now, what shall we dress you in for dinner? Let's see what I've got in my drawers. Oh-ho! How embarrassing. Here we are. Ah! There you are, you'll look ravishing in this one! :'''Belle''': That's very kind of you, but I'm not going to dinner. :'''Wardrobe''': Oh, but you must! :'''Cogsworth''': Dinner is served. :'''Beast''': What's taking so long? I told her to come down. '''Why isn't she here yet?!''' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, try to be patient, sir. The girl has lost her father and her freedom all in one day. :'''Lumière''': Uh, master. Have you thought that, perhaps, this girl could be the one to break the spell? :'''Beast''': Of course I have! I'm not a fool. :'''Lumière''': Good! You fall in love with her, she falls in love with you, and - Poof! - the spell is broken! We'll be human again by midnight! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, it's not that easy, Lumière. These things take time. :'''Lumière''': But the rose has already begun to wilt. :'''Beast''': Oh, it's no use. She's so beautiful, and I'm... well, look at me! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, you must help her to see past all that. :'''Beast''': I don't know how. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman. :'''Lumière''': Ah yes, when she comes in, give her a dashing, debonair smile. Come, come. Show me the smile. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But don't frighten the poor girl. :'''Lumière''': Impress her with your rapier wit. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But be gentle. :'''Lumière''': Shower her with compliments. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But be sincere. :'''Lumière''': And above all... :'''Mrs. Potts and Lumière''': You must control your temper! :'''Lumière''': There she is! :'''Cogsworth''': Uh, good evening. :'''Beast''': Well, where is she? :'''Cogsworth''': Who? Oh! The girl. Yes, the, ah, girl. Well, actually, she's in the process of, ah, um, circumstances being what they are, ew... She's not coming. :'''Beast''': <big>'''''WHAT?!?!'''''</big> :'''Cogsworth''': Oh, dear, Your Grace, Your Eminence! Let's not be hasty! :'''Beast''': '''I thought I told you to come down to dinner!''' :'''Belle''': I'm not hungry. :'''Beast''': '''You come out, or I'll...I'll...''I'LL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!!!''''' :'''Lumière''': Master, I could be wrong, but that may not be the best way to win the girl's affections. :'''Cogsworth''': Please, attempt to be a gentleman. :'''Beast''': But she is being so ''difficult!'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Gently, gently. :'''Beast''': Will you come down to dinner? :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': Hmm?! :'''Cogsworth''': Uh-uh-uh! Suave. Genteel. :'''Beast''': It would give me great pleasure... if you would join me for dinner. :'''Cogsworth''': Ahem, ahem, we say "please". :'''Beast''': Please. :'''Belle''': No, thank you! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' '''You can't stay in there forever!''' :'''Belle''': ''[provoked]'' Yes, I can! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily]'' Fine! Then go ahead and ''[roars]'' '''''STAAAAARVE!!''''' If she doesn't eat with me, then she doesn't eat ''at all.'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, dear. That didn't go very well at all, did it? :'''Cogsworth''': Lumière, stand watch at the door and inform me at once if there is the slightest change. :'''Lumière''': You can count on me, mon-Capitan. :'''Cogsworth''': Well, we might as well go downstairs and start cleaning up. :'''Beast''': I ask nicely, but she refuses! What-What does she want me to do?! Beg?! Show me the girl. :'''Wardrobe''': But the master's really not so bad once you get to know him. Why don't you give him a chance? :'''Belle''': I don't want to get to know him. I don't want to have anything to do with him! :'''Beast''': I'm just fooling myself. She'll never see me as anything but a monster. It's hopeless. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fade out/Fade in to exterior of Belle's room. Door creaks open. Belle silently emerges. We see her feet go by as three bright spots shine through a curtain at floor level. Behind it are Lumière and Featherduster.]'' :'''Featherduster''': Oh, no! :'''Lumière''': Oh, yes! :'''Featherduster''': Oh, no! :'''Lumière''': Oh, yes, yes, yes! :'''Featherduster''': I've been burnt by you before! :''[Lumière and Featherduster have emerged and Lumière takes her in his arms. Suddenly he looks up and sees Belle walking down the hall. He drops Featherduster.]'' :'''Featherduster''': Oof! :'''Lumière''': Zut alors! She has emerged! :''[Inside the kitchen, where we find Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, Chip and the stove.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Come on, Chip. Into the cupboard with your brothers and sisters. ''[helping him in]'' :'''Chip''': But I'm not sleepy. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Yes you are. :'''Chip''': No, I'm not. ''[He falls asleep and Mrs. Potts shuts the cupboard door.]'' :''[A banging of pots and pans comes from the stove.]'' :'''Stove''': I work and I slave all day long, and for what? A culinary masterpiece gone to waste. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, stop your grousing. It's been a long night for all of us. :'''Cogsworth''': Well, if you ask me, she was just being stubborn. After all, the master did say please. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But if the master doesn't learn to control that temper, he'll never break the-- :''[Belle enters, and Cogsworth cuts off Mrs. Potts before she can say 'spell.']'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[interrupting]'' Splendid to see you out and about, mademoiselle. :''[Lumière comes running in.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': I am Cogsworth, head of the household. :''[He leans over to kiss her hand, but Lumière butts in front of him.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': This is Lumière. :'''Lumière''': Enchanté, chérie. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[trying to talk around Lumière who is still kissing Belle's hand]'' If there's anything...stop that...that we can...please ''[finally shoving him out of the way]''...to make your stay more comfortable. ''[Lumière burns the hand of Cogsworth]'' Ow!!!! :'''Belle''': I am a little hungry. :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[excited, to the other tea pots]'' You are? Hear that? She's hungry. Stoke the fire, break out the silver, wake the China. :''[The fire on the stove roars to life, and drawers open to reveal silverware standing at attention.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[secretively]'' Remember what the master said. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, pish tosh. I'm not going to let the poor child go hungry. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[thinking he is giving in to the ultimate demand]'' Oh, all right, fine. Glass of water, crust of bread, and then-- :'''Lumière''': Cogsworth, I am surprised at you. She's not our prisoner. She's our guest. We must make her feel welcome here. ''[to Belle]'' Right this way, mademoiselle. :'''Cogsworth''': Well keep it down. If the master finds out about this, it will be our necks! :'''Lumière''': Of course, of course. But what is dinner without a little music? :''[Lumière has started out the swinging door. He lets it close, and the door hits Cogsworth and sends him across the room to land in a panfilled with (what looks like) pancake batter. He screams his line as he is in flight.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': '''''MUSIC?!''''' :''[Cut to dining room, where Belle is seated at the end of a long table. Lumière is on the table and a spotlight shines on him.]'' :'''Lumière''': Ma chère, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pride pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner. ''[singing]'' Be our guest, be our guest / Put our service to the test, tie your napkin 'round your neck, chérie and we provide the rest! ''[The chair has wrapped a napkin around the neck of Belle, who takes it off and places it on her lap. The chair's arms put it's hands on it's 'waist' as if it were mad.]'' Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres / Why we only live to serve / Try the grey stuff, it's delicious / Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! ''[Lumière offers Belle a plate of hors d'oeuvres. She dips her finger in one, and tastes it.]'' They can sing, they can dance / After all, miss, this is France! / And a dinner here is never second best! / Go on unfold your menu, take a glance and then you'll / Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! ''[A cabinet at the end of the table opens to reveal a large China collection, which rolls out and begins to perform. Lumière hands Belle a menu, which she begins to read.]'' Beef ragout, cheese soufflé, Pie and pudding en flambé! / We'll prepare and serve with flair / A culinary cabaret! ''[plates of food go dancing by, with Cogsworth in the pudding. Lumière sets his torch to it, and it explodes, turning Cogsworth's face black with soot.]'' You're alone and you're scared, But the banquet's all prepared! / No one's gloomy or complaining, / While the flatware's entertaining! ''[The flatware enters a 'Busby Berkley-esque' swimming scene.]'' We tell jokes, I do tricks / With my fellow candlesticks ''[Lumière, standing on a plate, is elevated and begins to juggle his candles. Mugs enter the shot.]'' :'''Mugs''': And it's all in perfect taste / That you can bet!!! ''[The Mugs begin a gymnastics routine, hopping over one another and passing a beverage from one to the next]'' :'''All''': Come on and lift your glass, You've won your own free pass / To be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! :'''Lumière''': If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest! :'''All''': Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! :''[All leave except Cogsworth, who looks scared, then begins to inch away. Lumière enters and holds him there.]'' :'''Lumière''': Life is so unnerving, For a servant who's not serving! / He's not whole without a soul to wait upon :'''Cogsworth''': Get off! :'''Lumière''': Ah, those good old days when we were useful :'''Cogsworth''': Huh? Oh! :'''Lumière''': Suddenly, those good old days are gone. :''[Lumière sings as if he were reminiscing. Snow begins to fall. Cogsworth looks up and sees the salt and pepper shakers doing their thing.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Ohh. :'''Lumière''': 10 years we've been rustin' / Needin' so much more than dustin' / Needin' exercise, a chance to use our skills! :'''Cogsworth''': Yaaaaaooo… :''[Lumière dusts the salt of the head of Cogsworth, who tries to escape. He tripsand falls into the gelatin mold.]'' :'''Lumière''': Most days just lay around the castle. :'''Cogsworth''': Ngngngngh! :'''Lumière''': Flabby fat and lazy / You walked in, and oops-a-daisie! :'''Cogsworth''': Whoa! :''[Lumière jumps on a spoon in the gelatin, which catapults Cogsworth out of the mold. Cut to kitchen, where Mrs. Potts is surrounded by soap bubbles.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's a guest, it's a guest! Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed! Wine's been poured and thank the Lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed! ''[Mrs. Potts continues to dance around the kitchen]'' With dessert, she'll want tea, And my dear, that's fine with me! While the cups do their soft shoein', I'll be bubblin', I'll be brewin'! I'll get warm, pipin' hot Heaven's sake, is that a spot? Clean it up, we want the company impressed! We've got a lot to do-- Is it one lump or two? For you our guest! ''[Mrs. Potts is cleaned off by a napkin. She hops onto the tea cart and rolls into the dining room, where she offers tea to Belle.]'' :'''All''': She's our guest! :'''Mrs. Potts''': She's our guest! :'''All''': She's our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Our command is your request! :'''Cogsworth''': Let's go, people. Fun's over. Over here. Line up. Aaaaaaah! :'''All''': It's ten years since we had anybody here and we're obsessed! With your meal, with your ease, / Yes indeed, we aim to please / While the candlelight's still glowin' / Let us help you, we'll keep going! :''[The [[China]] and candlesticks perform an elaborately choreographed dance sequence, ending in a closeup of Lumière.]'' :'''Lumière and All''': Course, by course / One by one / Til you shout "Enough, I'm done!" / Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest. Tonight you'll prop your feet up, But for let's eat up, Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Please, '''BE...''' '''''OUR... <big>GUUUUUUUEEEEEEST!!!!!!</big>''''' :''[A fantastic ending comes of the song, with silverware flying through the air, plates and Featherdusters dancing, and Cogsworth the focus of attention, until Lumière comes sliding in and sends him flying out of camera range.]'' :'''Belle''': Bravo! That was wonderful! :'''Cogsworth''': Thank you, thank you, mademoiselle. Yes, good show, wasn't it everyone. ''[Looking at his own face]'' Oh, my goodness, will you look at the time. Now, it's off to bed, off to bed! :''[Lumière comes up next to Cogsworth.]'' :'''Belle''': Oh, I couldn't possibly go to bed now. It's my first time in an enchanted castle. :'''Cogsworth''': Enchanted? Who said anything about the castle being enchanted? ''[He tries to cover it up, just as a fork runs past. To Lumière]'' :'''Cogsworth''': It was you, wasn't it! :'''Belle''': I, um, figured it out for myself. :''[Cogsworth and Lumière have been fighting. They both look at her, then stop. Cogsworth dusts himself off, and Lumière fixes his wax nose.]'' :'''Belle''': I'd like to look around, if that's all right. :'''Lumière''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Would you like a tour? :'''Cogsworth''': Wait a second, wait a second. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. ''[Confidentially, to Lumière]'' We can't let her go poking around in certain places, if you know what I mean. :'''Belle''': ''[Poking Cogsworth in the belly (like the Pillsbury doughboy)]'' Perhaps you could take me. I'm sure you know everything there is to know about the castle. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[flattered]'' Well, actually, ah yes, I do! :''[Fade to Cogsworth, Lumière, and Belle walking down a hall with Sultan. Cogsworth is lecturing.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': As you can see, the pseudo façade was stripped away to reveal a minimalist rococo design. Note the unusual inverted vaulted ceilings. This is yet another example of the neo-classic baroque period, and as I always say, if it's not baroque, don't fix it! Ha ha ha. Now then, where was I? ''[He turns to find the heads of the suits of armor have turned to follow Belle.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': As you were! ''[They all snap back to face forward.]'' Now, if I may draw your attention to the flying buttresses above the--mademoiselle? :''[Cogsworth turns back to the group and is one girl short. He sees her beginning to climb the grand staircase. He and Lumière run up to her and jump in front of her, blocking her progress upstairs.]'' :'''Belle''': What's up there? :'''Cogsworth''': Where? Up there? Nothing. Absolutely nothing of interest at all in the West Wing. Dusty, dull, very boring. ''[Lumière has been shaking his head, but Cogsworth nudges him and he nods in agreement.]'' :'''Belle''': Oh, so that's the West Wing. :'''Lumière''': ''[To Cogsworth]'' Nice going! :'''Belle''': I wonder what he's hiding up there. :'''Lumière''': Hiding? The master is hiding nothing! :'''Belle''': Then it wouldn't be forbidden. :''[She steps over them, but they dash up and block her again.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Perhaps mademoiselle would like to see something else. We have exquisite tapestries dating all the way back to... :'''Belle''': ''[again stepping over them]'' Maybe later. :'''Lumière''': ''[with Cogsworth, again dashing and blocking]'' The gardens, or the library perhaps? :'''Belle''': ''[Now, with incredible interest]'' You have a library? :'''Cogsworth''': ''[Thrilled that he has found something to interest her]'' Oh. yes! Indeed! :'''Lumière''': With books! :'''Cogsworth''': Gads of books! :'''Lumière''': Mountains of books! :'''Cogsworth''': Forests of books! :'''Lumière''': Cascades... :'''Cogsworth''': ...of books! :'''Lumière''': Swamps of books! :'''Cogsworth''': More books than you'll ever be able to read in a lifetime! Books on every subject ever studied, by every author who ever set pen to paper... :''[Lumière and Cogsworth begin marching off, and Belle begins to follow, but her curiosity overtakes her, and she turns back to the West Wing. Her excitement begins to dwindle, though, when she enters the hallway leading to Beast's lair. As she walks down the hall, she stops to look in a mirror that has been shattered into several pieces, each one reflecting her concerned look. She reaches the end of the hall and finds a closed door with gargoyle handles. She takes a deep breath, then reaches out and opens the door. Inside the lair, where Belle begins to explore. She is truly shocked by everything she sees. She wanders around, looking, and knocks over a table, but she catches it before it crashes to the floor. She then turns her head and sees a shredded picture on the wall. We can only see part of a portrait. It is the same portrait that was shredded in the opening. Belle reaches out and lifts the shreds of the picture to reveal the prince. We never see this, however, for then she turns her head and sees the rose under the bell jar. She walks over to it, her eyes transfixes. She reaches out, then lifts off the jar, leaves the rose unprotected. She reaches up, brushes back the strand of hair that has been repeatedly falling on her forehead, then reaches out to touch the rose. As she nears it, a shadow falls over her and Belle gasps in shocked. Beast has been on the balcony, and sees her. He jumps back into the room, then slams the jar back on the rose. He then turns his attention to Belle]'' :'''Beast''': ''[growing angrily-ish]'' Why did you come here? :'''Belle''': ''[backs away, scared]'' I'm-I'm sorry. :'''Beast''': I warned you never to come here! :'''Belle''': I didn't mean any harm. :'''Beast''': ''[angrier]'' Do you realize what you could have done?! :''[Beast begins to thrash at the furniture]'' :'''Belle''': ''[pleaders, but still scared]'' Please, stop! :'''Beast''': ''[screaming]'' <big>'''''GET OUT!!!!'''''</big> :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': ''[screaming]'' <big>'''''GEEET, OOOOOOUUUTT!!!!'''''</big> :''[Belle turns and flees the room. Beast calms down, then falls into despair, finally realizes that he may have destroyed his chances with Belle. She reaches the stairway and grabs her cloak. She rushes down the stairs, wrapping the cloak around her and bursting past a confused Lumière and Cogsworth]'' :'''Lumière''': Where are you going? :'''Belle''': Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute! :'''Cogsworth''': Oh, no, wait, please! Please wait! :''[Lumière tries to respond, but Belle slams the door behind her. He and Cogsworth both bow their heads in sadness. When Belle outside in the forest on Philippe. She begins to ride through the forest, but Philippe comes to a stop. She looks up and sees the wolves. She gasps, then pulls the reins and begins to flee. She runs from side to side, making the wolves hit the trees (a la Speederbike chase in '''[[w:Return of the Jedi|Return of the Jedi]]'''). Philippe runs out on a frozen pond, but his and Belle's weight collapse the ice. The wolves chase her into the water. Some begin to drown, but Philippe is able to get out of the water before anything serious happens. He runs into a clears, but becomes surrounded by wolves. He bucks, throws Belle off and wrapped the reins around a tree branch. The wolves begin their attack on Philippe, but Belle comes to his rescue and beats them away with a stick. One wolf grabs the stick in its mouth and breaks half of it off, leaves Belle defenseless. Another leaps at her, grabs the corner of her cloak and dragging her to the ground]'' :'''Belle''': <big>'''''NO!!!'''''</big> ''[She looks up and sees a wolf about to jump on top of her. It leaps and is caught in mid-air by Beast. He throws the wolf away, then stands behind them and Belle. They lunge at each other. One rips a hole in Beast's shoulder, and the others focus their attack on that spot. Finally, Beast throws a wolf against a tree, knocks it out. The others turn and run in fear. Beast turns back to Belle, looks at her despairingly, then collapses. Belle, grateful to be alive, turns back to Philippe and begins to get on, but her conscience takes over, and she walks over to the fallen Beast. Fade to Belle and Philippe walking back to the castle, with Beast on the horse's back. Fade to inside the den, with Belle pouring hot water out of Mrs. Potts. She soaks a rag in the water, then turns to Beast, who is licking his wounds, dampening rag]'' Here, now. ''[sees the Beast licking the wound on his arm]'' Oh, don't do that. ''[the Beast backs away with a growl as the servants start to back away in fear]'' Just hold still. ''[places the rag on the Beast's wound; the Beast mighty roars in pain and the servants takes cover]'' :'''Beast''': <big>'''''THAT HURTS!!!'''''</big> :'''Belle''': If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much! :'''Beast''': Well, if you hadn't have run away, this wouldn't have happened. :'''Belle''': If you hadn't frightened me, I wouldn't have run away. :'''Beast''': Well, ''you'' shouldn't have been in The West Wing! :'''Belle''': Well, ''you'' should learn to control your temper. Now, hold still. This might sting a little. :'''Beast''': Hmm? Mmm! :'''Belle''': By the way, thank you, for saving my life. :'''Beast''': You're welcome. :''[The camera zooms out and we see the objects looking on with interest. Fade to Gaston's tavern, which is empty except for Gaston, LeFou and Monsieur D'Arque, who are all sitting at a table]'' :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I don't usually leave the asylum in the middle of the night, but they said you'd make it worth my while. ''[Gaston pulls out a sack of gold and tosses it in front of him. He takes out a piece, scrapes it on his chin and continues]'' Aah, I'm listening. :'''Gaston''': It's like this. I've got my heart set on marrying Belle, but she needs a little persuasion. :'''LeFou''': ''[butting in]'' Turned him down flat! :''[Gaston slams a beer mug on his head]'' :'''Gaston''': Everyone knows her father's a lunatic. He was in here tonight raving about a beast in a castle... :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Maurice is harmless. :'''Gaston''': The point is, Belle would do anything to keep him from being locked up. :'''LeFou''': Yeah, even marry him! :''[Gaston gives him another threatening look, and he ducks back under the mug]'' :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father in the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[They both nod in agreement]'' Oh, that is despicable. I love it! :''[Inside Belle's cottage, Maurice is packing to leave]'' :'''Maurice''': If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow I'll get her out of there. :''[Maurice leaves to go find Belle, Gaston and LeFou enter her house to look for him and Belle.]'' :'''Gaston''': Belle? Maurice? :'''LeFou''': Oh, well. I guess it's not go to work, after all. :'''Gaston''': ''[grabs LeFou by his collar and carries him out]'' They have to come back sometime. And when they do, we'll be ready for them. LeFou, ''[throws him into the pile of snow nearby]'' don't move from that spot, until Belle and her father come home. ''[leaves on a horse wagon]'' :'''LeFou''': But... But I... ''[hits a wood]'' Ah, nuts! ''[a snow falls on him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the castle. Belle is playing in the snow with Phillipe and Sultan. Beast, Cogsworth and Lumière watch from the balcony.]'' :'''Beast''': I've never felt this way about anyone. ''[Looks excited]'' I want to do something for her. ''[Looks discouraged.]'' But what? :'''Cogsworth''': Well, there's the usual things--flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep... :'''Lumière''': Ahh, no no. It has to be something very special. Something that sparks her inter--wait a minute. :''[Cut to interior hallway leading to library. Beast and Belle are alone.]'' :'''Beast''': Belle, there's something I want to show you. ''[Begins to open the door, then stops.]'' But first, you have to close your eyes. :''[She looks at him questioningly.]'' :'''Beast''': It's a surprise. :''[Belle closes her eyes, and Beast waves his hand in front of her. Then he opens the door. He leads her in.]'' :'''Belle''': ''[Just as she enters the room]'' Can I open them? :'''Beast''': No, no. Not yet. Wait here. :''[Beast walks away to draw back the curtains. He does, and brilliant sunlight spills into the room. Belle flinches reflexively as the light hits her face.]'' :'''Belle''': Now can I open them? :'''Beast''': All right. Now. :''[Belle opens her eyes and the camera pulls back to reveal the gigantic library filled with books.]'' :'''Belle''': I can't believe it. I've never seen so many books in all my life! :'''Beast''': You--you like it? :'''Belle''': It's wonderful. :'''Beast''': Then it's yours. :'''Belle''': Oh, thank you so much. :''[Cut to Belle and Beast in background, with Objects including Chip in foreground watching them.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, would you look at that? :'''Lumière''': Ha ha! I knew it would work. :'''Chip''': What? What works? :'''Cogsworth''': It's very encouraging. :'''Featherduster''': Isn't this exciting! :'''Chip''': I didn't see anything. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Come along, Chip. There's chores to be done in the kitchen. :'''Chip''': But what are they talking about? What's going on? :''[Objects walk away. Fade to breakfast table with Belle at one end and Beast at the other, with Mrs. Potts between them. Belle is served breakfast, and as she begins to eat, she looks at Beast, gobbling up his food with no table manners whatsoever. Chip laughs, but Mrs. Potts shoots him an admonishing look. Belle turns away and tries to ignore it, but Chip comes to the rescue. He nudges the spoon with his nose, and Beast reaches out for it (very 3-D-ishly). Belle looks at him in wonder as he tries to eat with the spoon, but he has little success. Finally, Belle puts down her spoon and lifts her bowl as if in a toast. Beast looks at the compromise and does the same. They both begin to sip their breakfast out of their bowls. Fade to courtyard where Belle and Beast are feeding the birds.]'' :'''Belle''': There's something sweet / And almost kind / But he was mean / And he was coarse and unrefined. But now he's dear / And so unsure, / I wonder why I didn't see it there before. ''[Belle is trying to attract some birds to Beast, who shoves a handful of seed at them. Finally, she takes a handful and gently spreads it out, creating a trail. One lands in his hands, and he looks up thrilled.]'' :'''Beast''': She glanced this way / I thought I saw / And when we touched / She didn't shudder at my paw / No, it can't be / I'll just ignore / But then she's never looked at me that way before. ''[Belle has ducked around a tree, leaving Beast with the birds. She begins to look doubtful again, but turns her head around the tree and laughs. Beast is covered with birds.]'' :'''Belle''': New, and a bit alarming / Who'd have ever thought that this could be? / True, that he's no Prince Charming / But there's something in him that I simply didn't see. :''[Belle throws a snowball at Beast, who had looked at her proudly after the birds flew away. He begins to gather a large pile of snow. We cut to the Objects, looking out of a window at the two. In the background, Belle throws another snowball at Beast, who drops his huge pile of snow on his head. He chases her around a tree, but she ducks around the other side and sneaks up on him from behind.]'' :'''Lumière''': Well, who'd have thought? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, bless my soul. :'''Cogsworth''': And who'd have known? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, who indeed? :'''Lumière''': And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own? :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's so peculiar. :'''All''': We'll wait and see / A few days more / There may be something there that wasn't there before. :''[Fade to den where Belle sits in front of a roaring fire and reads to Beast. Objects including Chip watch from doorway]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before. :'''Chip''': What? :'''Mrs. Potts''': There may be something there that wasn't there before. :'''Chip''': What's there, mama? :'''Mrs. Potts''': I'll tell you when you're older. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the Beast's lair. He is in the tub getting washed up for the big night with Belle. Lumière is there with him.]'' :'''Lumière''': Tonight is the night! :'''Beast''': ''[hesitantly]'' I'm not sure I can do this. :'''Lumière''': You don't have time to be timid. You must be bold, daring. :'''Beast''': Bold. Daring. ''[Beast has emerged from the tub and shakes himself dry.]'' :'''Lumière''': There will be music. Romantic candlelight, provided myself, and when the time is right, you confess your love. :'''Beast''': ''[Inspired]'' Yes, I -- I con--No, I can't. :'''Lumière''': You care for the girl, don't you? :'''Beast''': More than anything. :'''Lumière''': Well then you must tell her. ''[Coatrack has been cutting Beast's hair. It finishes and steps back.]'' Voila. You look so...so... ''[Cut to shot of Beast in pig-tails and bows.]'' :'''Beast''': Stupid. :'''Lumière''': Not quite the word I was looking for. Perhaps a little more off the top. :''[Coatrack begins to cut and chop again. Cogsworth enters.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Ahem ahem ahem. Your lady awaits. :''[Cut to grand staircase, where Belle descends from the West Wing side in a glittering gold ball gown. She reaches the landing and looks up at Beast, who is standing at the top of the stairs in his dress clothes. He is nudged on by Lumière from behind the curtain, and he descends and meets Belle at the landing. Arm in arm, they descend the last section of stairs and continue on their way to dinner, stopped momentarily by Sultan. Mrs. Potts sings from her cart with Chip on board.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly / Just a little change / Small to say the least / Both a little scared / Neither one prepared / Beauty and the Beast ''[Belle and Beast have moved into the ballroom, where they move through a computer perfect dance sequence. Beast occasionally looks over at Lumière and Cogsworth for their approval. Mrs. Potts and Chip are in the ballroom on their cart.]'' Ever just the same / Ever a surprise / Ever as before, ever just as sure / As the sun will rise / Tale as old as time / Tune as old as song / Bittersweet and strange, / Finding you can change, learning you were wrong / Certain as the sun / Rising in the east / Tale as old as time, / Song as old as rhyme, beauty and the Beast. / Tale as old as time, / Song as old as rhyme, beauty and the Beast. ''[To Chip]'' Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. It's past your bedtime. Good night, love. ''[Chip slides off the end of the cart, and hops out of the room, but comes back for one last look. Belle and Beast have adjourned to the balcony under a starry night.]'' :'''Beast''': Belle? Are you happy here with me? :'''Belle''': ''[Hesitantly]'' Yes. ''[She looks off into the distance]'' :'''Beast''': What is it? :'''Belle''': ''[Looks at him desperately]'' If only I could see my father again, just for a moment. I miss him so much. :'''Beast''': ''[Looks disappointed for a moment, then excited.]'' There is a way. ''[The pair adjourn to Beast's lair, where Beast hands Belle the magic mirror.]'' This mirror will show you anything, anything you wish to see. :'''Belle''': ''[Hesitantly]'' I'd like to see my father, please. ''[The magic mirror shines into life, and Belle turns her head away as it flashes. Then it reveals Maurice fallen in the woods, coughing and lost. Belle is shocked. Beast looks at her with concern.]'' Papa. Oh, no. He's sick, he may be dying. And he's all alone. ''[Beast turns, then looks at the rose, deep in thought.]'' :'''Beast''': Then...then you must go to him. :'''Belle''': What did you say? :'''Beast''': I release you. You're no longer my prisoner. :'''Belle''': You mean...I'm free? :'''Beast''': Yes. :'''Belle''': Oh, thank you. Hold on, Papa. I’m on my way. :'''Beast''': Take it with you so you'll always have a way to look back and remember me. :'''Belle''': Thank you for understanding how much he needs me. ''[Belle turns to leave and Beast looks down in depression. She touches her hand to his cheek and rushes out. We see Belle's skirt fly past Cogsworth, who has entered the room.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Well, your highness I have to say that everything it's going great I knew that she was capable. :'''Beast''': I let her go. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, yes. Splen-- ''[realizes what the Beast just said]'' You what? How could you do that? :'''Beast''': I had to. :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, but why? :'''Beast''': Because... I love her. :''[Cut to Cogsworth telling the rest of the Objects about Beast's decision.]'' :'''All''': ''[except Cogsworth]'' He did '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, I'm afraid it's true. :'''Chip:''' She's going away? :'''Lumière''': But he was so close. :'''Mrs. Potts''': After all this time, he's finally learned to love. :'''Lumière''': That's it, then. That should break the spell. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But it's not enough. She has to love him in return. :'''Cogsworth''': And now it's too late. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to Beast watching Belle leave from above. He roars in sorrow and anger. His roar turns into the sound of the wind. Belle is out in the snow.]'' :'''Belle''': Papa? Papa? ''[gasps]'' :''[Finally, she finds him face down in a snowbank. They return home, where LeFou is still waiting, disguised as a snowman.]'' :'''LeFou''': Oh, they're back. :''[Cut to black. POV of Maurice as his eyes open. He sees Belle.]'' :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''Belle''': It's all right, Papa. I'm home. :'''Maurice''': I thought I'd never see you again. :'''Belle''': I missed you so much. :'''Maurice''': But the Beast. How did you escape? :'''Belle''': I didn't escape, Papa. He let me go. :'''Maurice''': That horrible Beast? :'''Belle''': But he's different, now. He's changed somehow. :''[There is a sound coming from Belle's pack. The flap opens and the magic mirror falls out with Chip rolling to a stop on it.]'' :'''Chip''': Hi! :'''Belle''': Oh, a stowaway. :'''Maurice''': Why, hello there, little fella. Didn't think I'd ever see you again. ''[Chip turns to Belle with a look of question on his face.]'' :'''Chip''': Belle, why'd you go away? Don't you like us anymore? :'''Belle''': Oh, Chip. Of course I do. It's just that-- :''[There is a knocking at the door. Belle opens it and Monsieur D'Arque stands on the porch.]'' :'''Belle''': May I help you? :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I've come to collect your father. :'''Belle''': My father? :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Don't worry, mademoiselle. We'll take good care of him. :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy. :'''LeFou''': He was raving like a lunatic. We all heard him, didn't we! :'''Bystanders''': Yes! :'''Belle''': No, I won't let you. :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''LeFou''': Maurice. Tell us again, old man, just how big was the Beast? :'''Maurice''': Well, he was... that is... enormous. I'd say at least eight, no more like ten feet. :'''LeFou''': Well, you don't get much crazier than that. :'''Maurice''': It's true, I tell you! :'''LeFou''': Get him out of here! :'''Maurice''': Let go of me! :'''Belle''': No, you can't do this! :'''Gaston''': Poor Belle. It's a shame about your father. :'''Belle''': You know he's not crazy, Gaston. :'''Gaston''': Hmm. I think I might be able to clear up this little misunderstanding, if... :'''Belle''': If what? :'''Gaston''': If you marry me. :'''Belle''': What? :'''Gaston''': One little word, Belle. That's all it takes. :'''Belle''': Never! :'''Gaston''': Have it your way. :'''Maurice''': Belle? Let go of me! :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy and I can prove it! Show me the Beast! :'''Woman #1''': Is it dangerous? :'''Belle''': Oh, no, no. He'd never hurt anyone. Please, I know he looks vicious, but he's really kind and gentle. He's my friend. :'''Gaston''': If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster. :'''Belle''': He's no monster, Gaston. You are! :'''Gaston''': She's as crazy as the old man! The Beast will make off with your children! He'll come after them in the night! :'''Belle''': No! :'''Gaston''': We're not safe until his head is mounted on my wall! I say we kill the Beast! :''[Mob cheers him and repeats the words 'kill him'.]'' :'''Man #1''': We're not safe until he's dead. :'''Man #2''': He'll come stalkin' us at night! :'''Woman #1''': Set to sacrifice our children to his monstrous appetite! :'''Man #3''': He'll wreak havoc on our village / If we let him wander free. :'''Gaston''': So, it's time, to take some action, boys, it's tiiime, tooo, folloooww, meeeeee!!!!!! ''[Gaston throws a torch into a haystack, creating an instant bonfire. He begins to prance around it, warning of the dangers of the horrible Beast.]'' Through the mist, through the woods / Through the darkness and the shadows / It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride. / Say a prayer, then we're there / At the drawbridge of a castle, And there's something truly terrible inside. ''[Gaston chases LeFou around, mimicking a monster.]'' It's a Beast, He's got fangs, razor sharp ones / Massive paws, Killer claws for the feast ''[Magic mirror shows the face of Beast to LeFou, which Gaston exaggerates about.]'' Hear him roar, see him foam, But we're not comin' home, Until he's dead / Good and dead, kill the Beast! :'''Belle''': ''[Interjecting]'' No, I won't let you do this. :'''Gaston''': If you're not with us, you're against us. Bring the old man. ''[Gaston is snatched the mirror and clutches the pants]'' :'''Maurice''': Get your hands off me! ''[Gaston throws them into the basement and bolts the door.]'' :'''Gaston''': We can't have them runnin' off to warn the creature! :'''Belle''': <big>'''''LET US OUT!!!'''''</big> :'''Gaston''': ''[To the crowd]'' We'll rid the village of this Beast. '''''Who's with me?''''' :''[A chorus of "I am"s comes from the crowd]'' :'''Mob''': Light your torch, mount your horse! :'''Gaston''': Screw your courage to the sticking place :'''Mob''': We're countin' on Gaston to lead the way! Through a mist, to a wood, Where within a haunted castle, Something's lurking that you don't see every day! ''[Gaston leads the Mob through the town and out into the forest, where they start chopping trees in preparation for their assault on the castle.]'' It's a Beast, One as tall as a mountain! We won't rest / Until he's good and deceased! Sally forth, tally ho, Grab your sword, grab your bow / Praise the Lord and here we go! :'''Gaston''': <big>'''''WE'LL LAY SIEGE TO HIS CASTLE AND BRING BACK HIS HEAD!!!'''''</big> :''[Cut to interior of basement, where Belle is prying at the window with a stick.]'' :'''Belle''': I have to warn the Beast. This is all my fault. Oh, Papa. What are we going to do? :'''Maurice''': ''[Comforting her]'' Now, now. We'll think of something. ''[We see Chip looking in through the window. He turns around, thinking, and then he sees Maurice's contraption with the axe on the end of it.]'' :'''Mob''': We don't like, what we don't / Understand, it frankly scares us / And this monster is mysterious at least! Bring your guns, bring your knives, Save your children and your wives, We'll save our village and our lives, We'll kill the Beast! :'''Cogsworth''': I knew it, I knew it was foolish to get our hopes up. :'''Lumière''': Maybe it would have been better if she had never come at all. ''[Sultan comes in barking. They rush over to the window expecting the return of Belle.]'' Could it be? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Is it she? :'''Lumière''': ''[Realizing the Mob is not Belle]'' Sacre bleu, invaders! :'''Cogsworth''': Encroachers! :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[Seeing Gaston]'' And they have the mirror! :'''Cogsworth''': ''[Issuing orders]'' Warn the master. If it's a fight they want, we'll be ready for them. ''[Turns around from window]'' Who's with me? Aahh! :''[The door is slammed as the rest of the Objects leave Cogsworth behind.]'' :'''Gaston''': Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine! :''[Cut to stairway, where Objects are marching down to do battle with the Mob.]'' :'''Objects''': Hearts ablaze, banners high! We go marching into battle, Unafraid, although the danger just increased! :'''Mob''': Raise the flag, sing the song / Here we come, we're fifty strong, and 50 Frenchmen can't be wro-o-o-ong, Let's kill the Beast! :''[Cut to interior of Beast's lair, where Mrs. Potts is briefing him.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Pardon me, master. :'''Beast''': Leave me in peace. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But sir, the castle is under attack! :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast! :''[The Objects have tried to block off the door, but it is being bashed in by the Mob.]'' :'''Lumière''': This isn't working! :'''Featherduster''': Oh, Lumière! We must do something! :'''Lumière''': Wait! I know! :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast! :''[Cut to Beast's lair]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': What shall we do, master? :'''Beast''': ''[Still very sad]'' It doesn't matter now. Just let them come. :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast, kill the Beast!! ''[The Mob succeeds in breaking in, and finds a grand entrance filled with assorted pieces of furniture, teacups, candlesticks, Featherdusters and clocks. They tiptoe in, and LeFou unknowingly picks up Lumière.]'' :'''Lumière''': '''''NOW!!!''''' ''[All the Objects spring into life, attacking their human enemies. Cut back to Belle's home, where Chip has readied the invention with purple smoke.]'' :'''Chip''': Yes! Here we go! :''[Chip has a rise in Maurice's invention with a violin sounds louder. Maurice looks out from the window and sees the advancing axe.]'' :'''Maurice''': What the devil? Belle, look out! :''[The invention crashes into the door, and a red cloud of smoke poofs out of the basement. Belle and Maurice emerge from the wreckage to find Chip swinging on a loose spring.]'' :'''Chip''': You guys gotta try this thing. :''[Cut back to the castle where the attack continues.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Up here, you scurvy scum! Now! ''[She and all the cups pour boiling tea on the guy's head.]'' :''[Cut back to the castle where the attack continues. Meanwhile, Gaston has broken off from the Mob, and is searching out Beast. Belle, Maurice, Philippe and Chip are making their way to the castle. Finally, the invaders (a la Invaders storm in '''[[w:Willow (1988 film)|Willow]]''').]'' :'''Stove''': Roaaaar! :'''Tom, Stanley and LeFou''': '''AAAAAAAAH!!''' :'''LeFou''': Move, move, move, move! :''[They are chased out and the Objects celebrate their victory.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': And stay out! ''[Lumière pulls over Cogsworth and kisses him once on each cheek. Cogsworth shakes it off.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to Gaston, who finds Beast's lair. He raises his crossbow and takes aim. Beast looks up at him, then looks back down in sadness again. Gaston releases the arrow and it strikes Beast in the shoulder. He screams in pain and stands. Gaston rushes him and they fly out the window onto the balcony, where it has begun to rain.]'' :'''Gaston''': Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ''[Gaston corners Beast on the edge of the roof. Beast simply sits there in despair.]'' Get up! Get up! What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back? :''[Beast looks down ignoring him. Gaston walks into the foreground and breaks off a piece of the roof. He is about to smash it on Beast's head when Belle's voice drifts up. She is on the bridge and is yelling to Gaston, telling him to stop.]'' :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': Belle. :'''Belle''': No, Gaston, don't! Let's go, Philippe. :'''Gaston''': ''[to Beast]'' <big>'''''COME ON, OUT AND FIGHT?!'''''</big> We're you in love with her, Beast? '''''DID YOU HONESTLY THINK SHE'D WANT YOU WHEN SHE HAD SOMEONE LIKE ME?!''''' :''[The Beast has been provoked enough. He emerges and they fight again]'' :'''Gaston''': It's over, Beast! '''''BELLE IS MINE!!''''' :''[The Beast and Gaston are fighting on top of the castle; the Beast strikes at him, grabs him and holds him over the edge]'' :'''Gaston''': ''[last words]'' Let me go, let me go! Please... don't hurt me! I'll do anything! '''''ANYTHING!!!!''''' :''[The Beast glares with fury, then his anger slowly melts as he realizes that Gaston's what he could've become. He pulls Gaston back in and close to his face]'' :'''Beast''': ''[in a calm, but tranquil fury manner]'' Get out. ''[shoves Gaston to the ground]'' :'''Belle''': ''[comes out on the balcony]'' Beast! :'''Beast''': Belle. ''[begins to climb the tower until he reaches the balcony. He hangs over the side]'' Belle? ''[they reached their hands as they reunite]'' You came back. :''[The Beast and Belle stare passionately at each other, but the moment is interrupted when Gaston sneaks up and stubs the Beast in the back with a knife. The Beast roars in pain and Gaston pulls the knife out and swings back for another shot. The Beast starts to fall, knocks over Gaston off his balances. Belle reaches forward and pulls the Beast back, while Gaston falls off into the castle moats to his deaths with a scream. Belle helps the injured Beast up onto the balcony, where he lies down on the floor. The servants come rushing out but stay out of sight. The Beast lays dying with Belle at his side; meanwhile, the rose is down to its last petal, weakly]'' :'''Beast''': You... You came back. :'''Belle''': Of course, I came back. I couldn't let them.... ''[hugs the Beast]'' Oh, this is all my fault. If only I'd gotten here sooner. :'''Beast''': Maybe it's better...it's better this way. :'''Belle''': Don't talk like that. You'll be all right. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine. You'll see. :'''Beast''': ''[last words; reaches up and touches Belle's cheek]'' At least...I got to see you...1 last time. ''[his paw falls and his eyes close as he dies]'' :'''Belle''': ''[gasps]'' No. No. Please. Please. Please don't leave me. ''[sobs]'' I love you. ''[The last petal falls away, leaving Cogsworth, Lumière, and Mrs. Potts distraught; suddenly, a magical shower falls around the Beast and Belle, and the Beast rises into the air, turning into a human prince Adam, whose name was Prince Adam; then, he lands on the ground and when he gets up, he turns toward Belle]'' :'''Prince Adam''': Belle... it's me. :'''Belle''': ''[looks into his eyes and recognizes him from the portrait]'' It ''is'' you! :''[They kiss, a fireworks display explodes around them. The gloom surrounding, the castle disappears, revealing a blue sky]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; The castle is transformed, with the gargoyles changing into cherubs. Finally, we return to the balcony, where the servants hop out to meet Prince Adam and Belle. One by one, they are transformed back to their original human conditions]'' :'''Prince Adam''': Lumiere! Cogsworth! Oh, Mrs. Potts! Look at us! ''[Chip comes riding in on Footstool]'' :'''Chip''': Mama! Mama! ''[The pair transforms back into a boy and dog]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[Picking up her boy]'' Oh, my goodness! :'''Lumière''': It is a miracle! :'''Belle''': How wonderful! ''[Prince Adam picks up Belle and swings her around. The ruffles of her skirt wipe to the ballroom, where all are gathered to celebrate, Prince Adam and Belle dance around the room as the rest at the characters]'' :'''Lumière''': Ah, l'amour. ''[Lumière says this, and a maid, obviously the former Featherduster walks by, brushing him on the chin; chuckles, starts to chase after her, but Cogsworth stops him]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Well, Lumiere, old friend. Shall we let bygones be bygones? :'''Lumière''': Of course, mon ami. I told you she would break the spell. :'''Cogsworth''': I beg your pardon, old friend, but I believe I told you. :'''Lumière''': No, you didn't. I told you. :'''Cogsworth''': You most certainly did not, you pompous paraffin-headed pea-brain! :'''Lumière''': En garde, you overgrown pocket watch! ''[Lumière takes off his glove and slaps Cogsworth across the face with it. They begin to fight. Cut to Belle and Prince Adam who continue to dance around the floor. The camera stops on Mrs. Potts, Chip and Maurice, who is beginning to crying]'' :'''Chip''': Are they going to live happily ever after, Mama? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Of course, my dear. Of course. :'''Chip''': ''[tiny pauses]'' Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard? ''[Maurice laughs and Mrs. Potts hugs her child and laughs. Cut to a camera looking over the entire ballroom with all in the shot. It slowly zooms out with Belle and Prince Adam dancing around the room, and fades into the final stained glass window, this one with Belle and Prince Adam in the center, surrounded by the rest of the characters]'' :'''Chorus''': Certain as the sun / Rising in the east / Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast!| Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast! ===Special Edition Release=== :'''Cogsworth''': Right then! You all know why we're here. We have exactly 12 hours, 36 minutes, and 15 seconds to create the most magical, spontaneous, romantic atmosphere known to man or beast. ''[Chuckles weakly]'' "Or beast.." Right. Need I remind you that if the last petal falls from this rose, the spell will never be broken! Very well. You all know your assignments. Half of you to the West Wing, half of you to the East Wing, the rest of you, come with me. :'''Lumière''': Hoho, lighten up Cogsworth, and let nature take its course. :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's obvious there's a spark between them. :'''Cogsworth''': Yes yes yes... But there's no harm in fanning the flames. You know, a little. Besides, they must fall in love tonight if we ever expect to be human again. :'''Lumière''': Aaah...human again... :'''Mrs. Potts''': Human again... :'''Lumière''': Yes, think what that means... ''[singing]'' I'll be cooking again, be good-looking again, With a mademoiselle on each arm / When I'm human again, only human again / Poised and polish and gleaming with charm / I'll be courting again, chic and sporting again :'''Mrs. Potts''': Which should cause several husbands alarm :'''Lumière''': ''(Ha, ha!)'' I'll hop down off this shelf, and tout de suite be myself, :'''Lumière, Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth''': I can't wait to be human again :'''Essentials''': When we're human again, only human again / When we're knickknacks and whatnots no more / When we're human again, good and human again :'''Wardrobe''': O, chérie, won't it all be top drawer? I'll wear lipstick and rouge / And I won't be so huge / Why, I'll easily fit through that door / I'll exude savoir faire / I'll wear gowns, I'll have hair / It's my prayer to be human again :'''Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth''': When we're human again, only human again / When the world once more starts making sense :'''Cogsworth''': I'll unwind, for a change :'''Lumière''': Really? That'd be strange :'''Cogsworth''': Can I help it if I'm t-t-tense? In a shack by the sea, I'll sit back, sipping tea Let my early retirement commence Far from fools made of wax, I'll get down to brass tacks and real-A-A-A-x! :'''Chorus''': When I'm human again! So sweep the dust from the floor / Let's let some light in the room / I can feel, I can tell someone might break the spell any day now / Shine up the brass on the door / Alert the dust pail and broom / If it all goes as planned our time may be at hand any day now :'''Fifi and the maids''': Open the shutters and let in some air :'''Mrs. Potts''': Put these here and put those over there :'''Chorus''': Sweep up the years, the sadness and tears and throw them away / We'll be human again, only human again / When the girl finally sets us all free / Cheeks a-blooming again, we're assuming again / We'll resume our long-lost joie de vivre / We'll be playing again, holidaying again / And we're praying it's ASAP / Little push, little shove / They could both fall in love / And we'll finally be human again... :''[Transition to the library]'' :'''Belle''': "...For there never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo." :'''Beast''': Could you read it again? :'''Belle''': Well, here. Why don't you read it to me? :'''Beast''': Uhhh...Alright. Hmm...I-I can't. :'''Belle''': You mean you never learned? :'''Beast''': I learned, a little. It's just been so long. :'''Belle''': Well here, I'll help you. Let's start...here. :'''Beast''': Here, twoe...? :'''Belle''': Two. :'''Beast''': Two, I knew that. Two households, both alike in dignity... :''[sung]'' :'''Chorus''': We'll be dancing again, we'll be twirling again / We'll whirling around with such ease / When we're human again, only human again / We'll go waltzing those old one-two-threes / We'll be floating again, we'll be gliding again /Stepping, striding, as fine as you please / Like a real human does, I'll be all that I was / On that glorious morn, when we're finally re-born / And we're all of us human again! ==CELINE DION & PEABO BRYSON lyrics (Beauty and the Beast)== :'''Celine Dion''': Ooh, ooh / Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly :'''Peabo Bryson''': Just a little change / Small, to say the least / Both a little scared / Neither one prepared :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Beauty and the beast / Ever just the same / Ever a surprise / Ever as before / Ever just as sure / As the sun will rise :'''Peabo Bryson''': Whoa, whoa-oh, whoa, oh :'''Celine Dion''': Ohh, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Ever just the same :'''Peabo Bryson''': Yeah / Ever a surprise :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Ever as before :'''Celine Dion''': Ever just as sure :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': As the sun will rise :'''Peabo Bryson''': Oh, oh, oh :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Peabo Bryson''': Ooh-ooh, ohh-ooh :'''Celine Dion''': Tune as old as song :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Bittersweet and strange / Finding you can change / Learning you were wrong :'''Peabo Bryson''': Certain as the sun :'''Celine Dion''': Certain as the sun :'''Peabo Bryson''': Rising in the east :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Peabo Bryson''': Song as old as rhyme :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Beauty and the beast :'''Peabo Bryson''': Oh Oh, whoa-oh :'''Celine Dion''': Ooh / Beauty and the beast == About ''Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)'' == * Well, originally when we were planning the big elaborate dance sequence that would include a moving camera craning up to the ceiling on the characters that would really have more of a live action feel to them—there was always this nagging doubt in our minds that it wasn't going to work at all (laughs). We had sort of a back-up plan just in case, if none of this works we'll just turn off all the lights and Bella and the Beast will be dancing in a little spotlight in a darkened room like an ice skating show (laughs). Fortunately, when we got the first piece of test film back, it was amazingly breathtaking, made a big sigh of relief because we knew it was going to work. * We actually designed all the camera movement first and animated the characters to match that. * We created computer generated stand-ins, the ballroom was sort of a chicken-wire kind of thing and Bella & the Beast were represented by these box and egg sort of things. * You have to make all the same decisions that a live action director would have to make. Everything from where to put the camera to what the emotional tone of the scene is going to be, in addition to answering all the questions about costume design and weather and color and all the numerous elements that go into making the scene. We're there every step of the way from the very first crude character designs and early storyboards to how loud the footsteps of the Beast should be as he's walking across the marble floor. We shepherd the process from beginning to end. ** [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]] [http://www.bigmoviezone.com/articles/index.html?uniq=84] == Cast (voices) == * [[w:Paige O'Hara|Paige O'Hara]] – B. la Belle the Beauty * [[w:Rex Everhart|Rex Everhart]] – Maurice * [[w:Robby Benson|Robby Benson]] – Master B. le Bête the Beast/Prince Adam * [[w:Richard White (actor)|Richard White]] – Gaston * [[w:Jerry Orbach|Jerry Orbach]] – Monsieur Lumière the Candelabra * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] – Narrator, Sir Cogsworth the Clock * [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] – Mrs. Potts the Teapot * [[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] – Claudette Bimbette, Laurette Bimbette * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] – Paulette Bimbette * [[w:Jesse Corti|Jesse Corti]] – Monsieur LeFou * [[w:Bradley Pierce|Bradley Pierce]] – Chip Potts the Teacup * [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] – Fifi Plumette Featherduster * [[w:Hal Smith|Hal Smith]] – Philippe B. the Horse * [[w:Jack Angel|Jack Angel]] – Tavern Man, Tom * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] – Dick * [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] – Stanley * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Patrick Pinney]] – Walter * Mickie McGowan – French Peasant Woman * Carole Jeghers – Woman holding the baby == External links == {{wikipedia|Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0101414|title=Beauty and the Beast}} {{Disney's Beauty and the Beast}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)]] [[Category:1991 animated films]] [[Category:1991 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's films]] [[Category:Gary Trousdale films]] [[Category:Kirk Wise films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Best Original Score Academy Award winners]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] pciklsadtjx8ajtdoqbv63s0eogmt9f 3944642 3944641 2026-05-23T23:06:00Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944642 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Beauty and the Beast in a Disneyland parade.JPG|thumb|right|In a Walt Disney World parade.]] '''''[[w:Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|The Beauty and the Beast]]''''', also known as simply '''''Beauty and the Beast''''', '''''The Beauty and Beast''''' or '''''Beauty and Beast''''', is an American [[w:1991 in film|1991 animated film]] about a prince cursed to spend his days as a hideous monster who sets out to regain his humanity by earning a young woman's love. It was produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. :''Directed by [[w:Gary Trousdale|Gary Trousdale]] and [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]]. Written by [[w:Linda Woolverton|Linda Woolverton]]'', based on the [[w:Beauty and the Beast|fairy tale of the same name]] by [[w:Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve|Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve]], and based on 18th-century France, Paris. :''Music by [[Alan Menken]]'' and includes "[[w:Beauty and the Beast (Disney song)|Beauty and the Beast]]". Written by [[w:Howard Ashman|Howard Ashman]] and performed by [[w:Peabo Brysonf|Peabo Bryson]] and [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]]. {{center|'''The most beautiful love story ever told.'''}} == Belle == * What is this place? Phillipe, please, steady. ''[enters the gate and sees Maurice's hat on the ground]'' Papa. * That's funny, I'm sure there was someone... I-I-Is there anyone here? * He's no monster, Gaston. You are! * ''[gasps]'' No... no! No, please... Please don't leave me... ''[she sobs softly, laying her face against his chest]'' I love you... == Prince Adam/The Beast == * Yes... but you must promise to stay here forever. * The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the west wing. ''['''Belle''': What's in the West--] [growls]'' It's forbidden! * You will join me for dinner! THAT'S NOT A REQUEST! == Gaston == * ''['''LeFou''': So, how'd it go?]'' I'll have Belle for my wife. Make no mistake about that. * Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine! * If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster. * What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back? == Lumière == * Ma chère, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pride pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner. * Don't you see? She's the one. The girl we have been waiting for. She has come to break the spell! == Cogsworth == * Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch. * Dinner is served. == Mrs. Potts == * How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time. * Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman. == Chip Potts == * Mama. There's a girl in the castle. * You guys gotta try this thing. == Maurice == * If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. Yes, is that everything? I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow, I... I'll get her out of there. * Hitch up Philippe, girl. I'm off to the fair! == Others == * '''Tavern Man''': Maurice? * '''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father in the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[They both nod in agreement]'' Oh, that is despicable. I love it! * '''Tom''': Who? * '''Dick''': Is it a big beast? * '''Stanley''': With a long, ugly snout? * '''Walter''': And sharp, cruel fangs? == Dialogue == :'''Narrator''': ''[first lines]'' Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast? :''[We have seen a progression of stained glass windows illustrating the narration, as well as Beast shredding his portrait, the camera slowly zooms out from the castle. A girl with beautiful, long, flowing and wavy brown hair tied up in a low ponytail tied up by a ribbon captivating, large, striking, expressive and round hazel eyes, full pink lips, fair skin, rosy cheeks, full, soft and slightly arched eyebrows, small and petite duchess nose, a heart-shaped round face and a sculpted, slim and well-proportioned figure, wearing a medium-length cerulean blue sleeveless dress with a white long puffy-sleeved shirt with a puffy collar underneath, a white apron around her waist, a white petticoat, and dark brown ballet flats with darker brown soles on her feet, her name is Belle. She exits the front door and begins her walk into town like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''' and '''[[w:Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]'''.]'' :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' Little town, it's a quiet village / Every day, like the one before / Little town, full of little people / Waking up to say? :'''Townsfolk #1''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #2''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #3''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #4''': Bonjour! :'''Townsfolk #5''': Bonjour! :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' There goes the baker with his tray like always / The same old bread and rolls to sell / Every mornin' just the same / Since the mornin' that we came / To this poor provincial town... :'''Baker''': Good mornin', Belle! :''[Belle jumps over to the bakery]'' :'''Belle''': Mornin' monsieur! :'''Baker''': Where are you off to? :'''Belle''': The bookshop! I just finished the most wonderful story, about a beanstalk and an ogre and... :'''Baker''': ''[ignoring her]'' That's nice...Marie, the baguettes! Hurry up!! :'''Townsfolk''': Look there she goes, that girl is strange no question / Dazed and distracted, can't you tell? :'''Woman #1''': Never part of any crowd :'''Barber''': Cause her head's up on some cloud :'''Townsfolk''': No denying she's a funny girl, that Belle! :'''Driver''': Bonjour! :'''Woman #2''': Good day! :'''Driver''': How is your family? :'''Woman #3''': Bonjour! :'''Merchant''': Good day! :'''Woman #3''': How is your wife? :'''Woman #4''': I need six eggs! :'''Man #1''': That's too expensive! :'''Belle''': There must be more than this provincial life! :''[Belle enters the bookshop]'' :'''Bookseller''': Ah, Belle! :'''Belle''': Good mornin'. I've come to return the book I borrowed. :'''Bookseller''': ''[putting the book back on the shelf]'' Finished already? :'''Belle''': Oh, I couldn't put it down! Have you got anything new? :'''Bookseller''': ''[laughing]'' Not since yesterday. :'''Belle''': ''[on ladder of bookshelf]'' That's all right. I'll borrow... this one. :'''Bookseller''': That one? But you've read it twice! :'''Belle''': Well, it's my favorite! ''[Belle swings off side of ladder, rolling down it's track]'' Far off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise! :'''Bookseller''': ''[handing her the book]'' Well, if you like it all that much, it's yours! :'''Belle''': But sir! :'''Bookseller''': I insist! :'''Belle''': Well, thank you. Thank you, very much! ''[leaves bookshop]'' :'''Men''': ''[looking in window, then turning to watch her]'' Look there she goes / That girl is so peculiar! / I wonder if she's feeling well! :'''Women''': With a dreamy far-off look! :'''Men''': And her nose stuck in a book! :'''All''': What a puzzle to the rest of us is Belle! ''[Belle sits on the edge of a fountain, singing to a flock of sheep and the washing woman in the background, who leaves]'' :'''Belle''': Ohhhhh, isn't this amazing! / It's my favorite part because, you'll see! / Here's where she meets Prince Charming / But she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three! :'''Woman #5''': Now it's no wonder that her name means 'beauty' / Her looks have got no parallel! :'''Merchant''': But behind that fair facade / I'm afraid she's rather odd / Very different from the rest of us... :'''All''': She's nothing like the rest of us / Yes different from the rest of us is Belle. :'''LeFou''': ''[first words]'' Wow! You didn't miss a shot, Gaston! You're the greatest hunter in the whole world! :'''Gaston''': ''[first words]'' I know! :'''LeFou''': Huh. No beast alive stands a chance against you...and no girl for that matter! :'''Gaston''': It's true, LeFou, and I've got my sights set on that one! ''[pointing to Belle]'' :'''LeFou''': The inventor's daughter? :'''Gaston''': She's the one! The lucky girl I'm going to marry. :'''LeFou''': But she's-- :'''Gaston''': The most beautiful girl in town. :'''LeFou''': I know-- :'''Gaston''': And that makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best? :'''LeFou''': Well of course, I mean you do, but I mean... :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' Right from the moment when I met her, saw her / I said she's gorgeous and I fell / Here in town there's only she ''[Belle walks by and away]'' / Who is beautiful as me / So I'm making plans to woo and marry Belle. :'''Bimbettes''': Look there he goes, isn't he dreamy / Monsieur Gaston, oh he's so cute / Be still my heart, I'm hardly breathing / He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute. ''[Belle walks easily through the crowd of people in the town, Gaston struggles to catch up to her]'' :'''Man #1''': Bonjour! :'''Man #2''': Good day! :'''Man #3''': Mais oui! :'''Woman #1''': You call this bacon? :'''Woman #2''': What lovely grapes! :'''Man #4''': Some cheese! :'''Woman #3''': 10 yards! :'''Man #4''': 1 pound! :'''Gaston''': Excuse me! :'''Man #4''': I'll get the knife! :'''Gaston''': Please let me through! :'''Woman #4''': This bread, it's stale! :'''Man #5''': Those fish! They smell! :'''Man #6''': Madame's mistaken! :'''Belle''': ''[singing]'' There must be more than this provincial life! :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' Just watch I'm going to make Belle my wife! ''[Townsfolk gather around Gaston, and eventually surround him]'' :'''Chorus''': Look there she goes a girl who's strange but special / A most peculiar mademoiselle / It's a pity and a sin / She doesn't quite fit in! / 'Cause she really is a funny girl! / A beauty but a funny girl / She really is a funny girl! / That Belle!? :'''Gaston''': Bonjour! Whoa-oh! ''[song ends; to Belle]'' Hello, Belle. :'''Belle''': Bonjour, Gaston. ''[Gaston grabs the book from Belle]'' Gaston, may I have my book, please? :'''Gaston''': How can you read this? There's no pictures! :'''Belle''': Well, some people use their imagination. :'''Gaston''': Belle, it's about time you got your head out of those books, ''[tossing book into the mud]'' and paid attention to more important things. Like me. The whole town's talking about it. ''[The Bimbettes, who are looking on, sighing romantically. Belle has picked up the book and is cleaning off the mud]'' It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas and thinking. :'''Belle''': Gaston, you are positively primeval. :'''Gaston''': ''[putting his hand around her shoulders]'' Why, thank you, Belle. What do you say you and me take a walk over to the tavern, and take a look at my trophies? :'''Belle''': Maybe some other time. :'''Bimbette #1''': What's the matter with her? :'''Bimbette #2''': She's crazy! :'''Bimbette #3''': He's gorgeous. :'''Belle''': Please, Gaston, I can't. I have to get home to help my father. Goodbye. :'''LeFou''': Ha ha ha, that crazy old loon, he needs all the help he can get! ''[he and Gaston laugh heartily]'' :'''Belle''': ''[angrily]'' Don't you talk about my father that way. :'''Gaston''': Yeah, don't talk about her father that way! ''[conks LeFou on the head]'' :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy! He's a genius! ''[explosion in background. Gaston and LeFou continue laughing. She rushes home and descends into the basement; coughed]'' Papa?! :'''Maurice''': How on earth did that happen? ''[Belle coughs again]'' Doggone it! ''[pulls the barrel off his waist, along with his pants]'' :'''Belle''': Are you alright, Papa? :'''Maurice''': I'm about ready to give up on this hunk of junk! ''[kicks the machine]'' :'''Belle''': You always say that. :'''Maurice''': I mean it this time! I'll never get this boneheaded contraption to work! :'''Belle''': Yes, you will. And you'll win first prize at the fair tomorrow. :'''Maurice''': Hmmmph! :'''Belle''': And become a world-famous inventor. :'''Maurice''': You really believe that? :'''Belle''': I always have. :'''Maurice''': Well, what are we waitin' for? I'll have this thin' fixed in no time. Hand me that... The dog-legged clincher there. So, did you have a good time in town today? :'''Belle''': I got a new book. Papa, do you think I'm odd? :'''Maurice''': My daughter? Odd? Ha! Where would you get an idea like that? :'''Belle''': I don't know. It's just that I'm not sure I fit in here. There's no one I can really talk to. :'''Maurice''': What about that Gaston? He's a handsome fella. :'''Belle''': He's handsome, all right, and rude and conceited and... Oh, Papa, he's not for me. :'''Maurice''': Well, don't you worry. Cause this invention's gonna be the start of a new life for us. ''[comes out from under machine]'' I think that's done it. Now, let's give it a try. :''[Machine whirs and chops wood, just as it should]'' :'''Belle''': It works! :'''Maurice''': It does? It does! :'''Belle''': You did it! You really did it! :'''Maurice''': Hitch up Philippe, girl. I'm off to the fair! :''[Log strikes him in the head, knocking him out. Fade to later in the day]'' :'''Belle''': Goodbye, Papa! Good luck! :'''Maurice''': Goodbye, Belle, and take care while I'm gone! :''[Fade to the deep forest, night. After a few hours of traveling, it seems obvious that they are lost, after Belle plays the violin. Philippe walks on cautiously, frightened out of his wits]'' :'''Maurice''': We should be there by now. ''[above them, an owl hoots, adding to the spookiness of the environment]'' Maybe we missed a turn. I guess I should have taken... wait a minute. ''[raising his lantern toward a sign with arrows pointing in separate directions, though the writing is faded and unreadable. Philippe snorts, and whinnies to go one fashion, but he pulls his reins in the separate direction]'' No, let's go this way! ''[Philippe whinnies and looks at the path Maurice has picked. It is dark and foggy with light blue clouds, with many trees forming an archway. Then he looks at the other path, which is much more inviting. Philippe whinnies to go on the safer path, but he pulls him toward the other one]'' Come on, Philippe, it's a shortcut! We'll be there in no time. ''[the two continue down the path, albeit slowly due to Philippe, fearing what can be lurking about in the darkness. At that moment, a shadow whisks past them and the sound of wolf howling fills the air, spooking Philippe whinnies; looking at his map]'' This can't be right. Where have you taken us, Philippe? We'd better turn around. ''[suddenly, the howling becomes louder. Philippe whinnies to back up, afraid of whatever might be around them]'' Whoa. Whoa, boy. Whoa, now. Whoa, Philippe. ''[but the spooked horse does not stop in time, and bumps into a hollow tree. A flocks of bats swarm out and surround them]'' Look out! No! ''[Philippe runs off in fear, not noticing where he's going]'' Whoa! Whoa, boy! ''[eventually, his steed stops until he sees where he is; at the edge of a very tall cliff]'' Back up! Back up! Back up! ''[they back off slowly, yet afraid to an inch of their lives]'' Good boy, good boy. That's good, that's–back up! Steady. Steady! Now, steady. Steady. ''[the howling is now so loud, Philippe whinnying]'' Oh, no, Philippe?! ''[looks up and sees wolves growling at him. Maurice runs away, being chased by the wolves. He stumbles down a hill, and lands at the gate of a castle. He grabs the locked gate and tries to shake it open]'' Help! Is... Is someone there? Help! :''[The gate opens, and Maurice runs in. He slams the gate in the faces of the wolves. Leaving his hat on the ground as the rain begins to fall, Maurice runs to the castle and bangs on the door. It creaks open and he enters, cautiously]'' :'''Maurice''': Hello? Hello? :''[Watching from a table near the entrance are Lumière and Cogsworth]'' :'''Lumière''': ''[barely whispering]'' Poor fellow must have lost his way in the woods. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[also whispering]'' Keep quiet! Maybe he'll go away. :'''Maurice''': Is someone there? :'''Cogsworth''': Not a word, Lumiere. Not one word! :'''Maurice''': I don't mean to intrude, but I've lost my horse and I need a place to stay for the night. :'''Lumière''': ''[looking at Cogsworth like a child having just found a lost puppy]'' Oh, Cogsworth, have a heart. :'''Cogsworth''': Shush shush shhhhh! ''[puts hand over Lumière's mouth, who promptly proceeds to touch his lit candle hand to Cogsworth's hand]'' Ow, ow! '''''OW, OW, OW, OUCH!!!!!''''' :'''Lumière''': Of course, monsieur, you are welcome here. :'''Maurice''': ''[looking around in confusion]'' Who said that? :''[He picks up the candlestick for light, not realizing that the speaker is in his hand]'' :'''Lumière''': ''[tapping him on the shoulder]'' Over here! :'''Maurice''': ''[spins around, pulling Lumière to the other side]'' Where? :'''Lumière''': ''[taps Maurice on the side of the head. Maurice looks at Lumière]'' Hello! :'''Maurice''': Oh!!!! ''[startled, he drops Lumière onto the floor]'' Incredible! :'''Cogsworth''': ''[hopping over]'' Well, now you've done it, Lumière. Splendid, just peachy--aaarrrgghh! :''[Maurice picks up Cogsworth]'' :'''Maurice''': How is this accomplished? :''[He fiddles with Cogsworth]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Put me down! At once! ''[Maurice tickles the bottoms of Cogsworth's feet. He laughs. He begins to wind the spring on the back of Cogsworth's head, twisting his face around with the clock hands. Maurice opens the front of Cogsworth and begins to play with his pendulum. Cogsworth slams the door shut on his finger]'' Stop that! Stop that, I say! Sir, close that at once, do you mind! :'''Maurice''': I beg your pardon, it's just that I've never seen a clock that...aah...I mean...aah aah aah-chooo!!! :''[Maurice sneezes in the face of Cogsworth, who proceeds to wipe his face off using his clock hands in a very anachronistic windshield wiper manner. Maurice sniffles, indicating the cold he has caught from being in the rain]'' :'''Lumière''': Oh, you are soaked to the bone, monsieur. Come, warm yourself by the fire. :'''Maurice''': Thank you. :''[Lumière and Maurice head towards the den, with Cogsworth running after them]'' :'''Cogsworth''': No, no, no, do you know what the master would do if he finds you here. ''[Beast is watching the action from an overhead walkway, and rushes off as the trio enters the den]'' I demand that you stop...right...there! ''[Cogsworth tumbles down the steps. Maurice takes a seat in a large chair in front of a roaring fire]'' Oh, no, not the master's chair! ''[Footstool rushes past Cogsworth, barking up a storm]'' I'm not seeing this, I'm not seeing this! :'''Maurice''': ''[as Footstool rushes up to him]'' Well, hello there, boy. ''[Footstool props himself up under the feet of Maurice. Coatrack enters and removes his cloak]'' What service! :'''Cogsworth''': All right, this has gone far enough. I'm in charge here... :''[Cogsworth is run over by the (once again) anachronistic IndyCar sounding teacart of Mrs. Potts]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[arriving by the side of Maurice]'' How would you like a nice spot of tea, sir? It'll warm you up in no time. :''[Mrs. Potts pours tea into cup, Chip, which hops over into Maurice's open hand]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[from face down position on carpet]'' No! No tea, no tea!!! :'''Chip''': ''[as Maurice sips the tea]'' Ha ha! His mustache tickles, Mama! :'''Maurice''': ''[startled by the cup]'' Oh! Hello! :''[The door to the den slams open and a strong gust of wind blows into the room, extinguishing Lumière's flames and the fire in the fireplace. Cogsworth dives for cover. Mrs. Potts begins to shake. Chip jumps back onto the tea cart and takes refuge from behind his mother]'' :'''Chip''': Uh-oh! :''[Beast enters. We see him in full for the first time. He is on all fours. He looks around in the darkness]'' :'''Beast''': ''[first words; growling his words]'' There's a stranger here. :'''Lumière''': ''[who has relit his flames]'' Master, allow me to explain. The gentleman was lost in the woods and he was cold and wet, so... :''[Lumière's last sentence is drowned out by the very loud growl of Beast, which puts out his flames once again. Lumière looks down, dejected]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[coming out from under a rug]'' Master, I'd like to take this moment to say, I was against this from the start. It was all his fault. I tried to stop them, but would they listen to me? No, no... ''[Again, Beast's growl drowns out Cogsworth]'' :''[The Beast barges in to see Maurice getting settled in the castle]'' :'''Beast''': Who are you?! What are you doing here?! :'''Maurice''': I-I-I was lost in the woods and-- :'''Beast''': You're not '''WELCOME HERE!''' :'''Maurice''': I-I'm...I'm sorry. :'''Beast''': What are you '''STARING AT?!''' :'''Maurice''': Nothing. :'''Beast''': So...you've come to stare at the '''BEAST, HAVE YOU?!?!''' ''[blocks Maurice's way]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[pleaders]'' Please! I mean no harm, I just needed a place to stay! :'''Beast''': I'll give you a place to stay! ''[picks up Maurice]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[as the Beast takes him to the tower]'' No, no, please! No! No! ''[door slams]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''LeFou''': Heh! Oh boy! Belle's gonna get the surprise of her life, huh Gaston? :'''Gaston''': Yep. This is her lucky day. :''[Gaston lets go of a branch, which swings back and hits LeFou in the mouth. Gaston turns to the band, wedding guests and others, apparently just out of sight of Belle's cottage.]'' :'''Gaston''': I'd like to thank you all for coming to my wedding. But first, I'd better go in there and... propose to the girl. ''[chuckles; the male guests laugh and the Bimbettes sob]'' And you, LeFou. When Belle and I come out that door... :'''LeFou''': Oh, I know! I know! I strike up the band! :''[The band plays "Here Comes the Bride," loud and fast, until Gaston rams a tuba down on LeFou's head]'' :'''Gaston''': Not yet! :'''LeFou''': ''[sticked his lips through the mouthpiece]'' Sorry! :''[There was a knock on the door.]'' :'''Belle''': Gaston, what a pleasant surprise. :'''Gaston''': Isn't it though? I'm just full of surprises. You know, Belle. There's not a girl in town who wouldn't love to be in your shoes. This is the day...''[Gaston pauses by a mirror and licks his teeth clean.]'' This is the day your dreams come true. :'''Belle''': What do you know about my dreams, Gaston? :'''Gaston''': Plenty! Here, picture this. ''[sits, props muddy boots on Belle's book, kicks them off]'' A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife, massaging my feet, while the little ones play with the dogs. We'll have six or seven. :'''Belle''': Dogs? :'''Gaston''': No, Belle! Strapping boys, like me! :'''Belle''': Imagine that. ''[retrieves book and shelves it]'' :'''Gaston''': And do you know who that wife will be? :'''Belle''': Let me think. :'''Gaston''': You, Belle! :'''Belle''': I'm speechless! I really don't know what to say. :'''Gaston''': Say you'll marry me! :'''Belle''': I'm very sorry, Gaston, but... ''[turns the doorknob]'' ...but I just don't deserve you! :''[She opens the door]'' :'''Gaston''': Whoa! :''[Gaston stumbles out and she throws his boots after him before closing it. Gaston lands in a pig's mud wallow as LeFou conducts the band in "Here Comes the Bride"]'' :'''LeFou''': Ooh, so, how'd it go? Oomph! Uh. :'''Gaston''': ''[picks up LeFou, angrily]'' I'll have Belle for my wife! Make no mistake about that! :'''LeFou''': Oh. :''[throws LeFou into the mud and storms off]'' :'''LeFou''': Hmm! Touchy! ''[The pig oinks in agreement]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Belle''': ''[to the chickens]'' Is he gone? ''[seeing he is, hurried outside, a bucket of chickens feed in her hand]'' Can you imagine? He asked me to marry him. Me, the wife of that boorish, brainless? ''[walks of the animals, and feeding the chickens, singing]'' Madame Gaston, can't you just see it? / Madame Gaston, his little wife. ''[kicks the buckets, the chickens clucking and goats bleats]'' / No, sir, not me, I guarantee it / I want much more than this provincial life. / I want adventure in the great wide somewhere / I want it more than I can tell / And for once it might be grand / To have someone understand / I want so much more than they've got planned ''[Phillipe runs into the open field. Belle looks at him, disturbed that Maurice is not with him.]'' :'''Belle''': Phillipe! What are you doing here? Where's Papa? Where is he, Philippe? What happened? Oh, we have to find him, you have to take me to him. ''[Belle unhitches the wagon from Philippe.]'' :''[Outside the castle gate. (How Phillipe brought Belle there is a mystery, seeing as Phillipe never made it to the castle with Maurice.)]'' :'''Belle''': What is this place? :'''Philippe''': ''[snorts, neighs]'' :'''Belle''': Phillipe, please, steady. Papa. :'''Cogsworth''': Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? Serve him tea, sit in the master's chair, pet the pooch. :'''Lumière''': I was trying to be hospitable. :'''Belle''': Hello? Is anyone here? Hello? Papa? Papa, are you here? :'''Chip''': Momma. There's a girl in the castle! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Now, Chip, I won't have you making up such wild stories. :'''Chip''': But really, momma, I saw her. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Not another word. Into the tub. :'''Featherduster''': A girl! I saw a girl in the castle! :'''Chip''': See, I told ya! :'''Cogsworth''': Irresponsible, devil-may-care, waxy eared, slack-jawed-- :'''Belle''': Papa? :'''Lumière''': Did you see that? It's a girl! :'''Cogsworth''': I know it's a girl. :'''Lumière''': Don't you see? She's the one. The girl we have been waiting for. She has come to break the spell! :'''Cogsworth''': Wait a minute, wait a minute! :'''Belle''': Papa? Papa? Hello? Is someone here? Wait! I'm looking for my father! I... That's funny, I'm sure there was someone... I-I-Is there anyone here? :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''Belle''': Oh, Papa! :'''Maurice''': But how did you find me? :'''Belle''': Oh, your hands are ice. I have to get you out of here! :'''Maurice''': You must go! :'''Belle''': Who's done this to you? :'''Maurice''': No time to explain! You must go ''now!'' :'''Belle''': I won't leave you! :'''Beast''': '''What are you doing here?!''' :'''Maurice''': Run, Belle! :'''Belle''': Who's there? Who are you? :'''Beast''': The master of this castle. :'''Belle''': I've come for my father. Please let him out! Can't you see he's sick?! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' Then he shouldn't have trespassed here! :'''Belle''': But he could die! Please, I'll do anything! :'''Beast''': There's nothing you can do! He's my prisoner! :'''Belle''': Oh, there must be some way I can... Wait! Take me instead. :'''Beast''': '''''YOU'''''... You would... take his place? :'''Maurice''': Belle, no! You don't know what you're doing! :'''Belle''': If I did, would you let him go? :'''Beast''': Yes. But... you must promise to stay here forever! :'''Belle''': Come into the light. :'''Maurice''': No, Belle! I won't let you do this! :'''Belle''': You have my word. :'''Beast''': Done! :'''Maurice''': No, Belle. Listen to me. I'm old, I've lived my life- :'''Belle''': Wait! :'''Maurice''': '''Belle!''' :'''Belle''': ''WAIT!!'' :'''Maurice''': No, please spare my daughter! :'''Beast''': She's no longer your concern. Take him to the village. :'''Maurice''': Please, let me out, please! :'''Lumière''': Master? :'''Beast''': What? :'''Lumière''': Since the girl is going to be with us for quite some time, I was thinking that you might want to offer her a more comfortable room. Then again, maybe not. :'''Belle''': You didn't even let me say goodbye. I'll never see him again. I didn't get to say goodbye. :'''Beast''': I'll show you to your room. :'''Belle''': My room? But I thought... :'''Beast''': You wanna stay in the tower? :'''Belle''': No. :'''Beast''': Then follow me. :'''Lumière''': Say something to her. :'''Beast''': Hmm? Oh. I hope you like it here. The castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing. :'''Belle''': What's in the West... :'''Beast''': It's forbidden! Now, if you need anything, my servants will attend you. :'''Lumière''': Dinner... invite her to dinner. :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' You will join me for dinner. That's not a request! <hr width="50%/> :'''Gaston''': ''[displeased about what happened to him]'' Who does she think she is? That girl has '''''tangled''''' with the wrong man! No one says no to Gaston! :'''LeFou''': Heh-heh! Darn right! :'''Gaston''': Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly Humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear! ''[throwing his two mugs of beer into the fireplace]'' :'''LeFou''': More beer? :'''Gaston''': ''[frustratingly turning his chair away from the fireplace]'' What for? Nothing helps! I'm disgraced. :'''LeFou''': Who, you? Never! Gaston, you've gotta pull yourself together! ''[singing]'' Gosh it disturbs me to see you, Gaston / Looking so down in the dumps / Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston :'''Old Cronies''': Hooray! :'''LeFou''': Even when taking your lumps / There's no man in town as admired as you / You're everyone's favorite guy! / Everyone's awed and inspired by you / <big>'''''AND IT'S NOT... VERY HARD! TO SEE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!'''''</big> / Noooooo, oooone's sllllick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston / No one's next as incredibly thick as Gaston / For there's no man in town half as manly / Perfect, a pure paragon! / You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley / And they'll tell you who's team they'd prefer to be '''''yooooooown!!!!!!''''' :''[LeFou has pulled a man's belt off, whose pants fall to the ground. LeFou jumps up and wraps the belt around Gaston's neck, who flexes and breaks it off. LeFou continues to dance around. Old cronies pick him up and swing him around]'' :'''Old Cronies''': Noooooo, oooone's been like Gaston, a king-pin like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston. :'''Gaston''': As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating! :'''Old Cronies''': My, what a guy that Gaston! ''[swing LeFou back and forth into the camera. LeFou tickles Gaston's chin, who stands with pride]'' Give 5 hurrahs, give 12 hip-hips! :'''LeFou''': Gaston is the best and the rest is all drips! :''[LeFou swings up his arm in dance and throws a mug of beer in Gaston's face, who socks LeFou in the face]'' :'''All''': Noooooo, oooone, fights like Gaston, douses lights like Gaston. :'''Stanley''': In a wrestling match, nobody bites like Gaston. :'''Bimbettes''': For there's no one as burly and brawny. :'''Gaston''': As you see I've got biceps to spare. :'''LeFou''': Not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny. :'''Gaston''': That's right! And every last inch of me's covered with hair! ''[Gaston fights with the men, then lifts a bench with the Bimbettes on it. He drops the bench on LeFou, then turns to the camera and reveals his hairy chest]'' :'''Old Cronies''': No one hits like Gaston, matches wits like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': In a spitting match, nobody spits like Gaston! :'''Gaston''': I'm especially good at expectorating! Ptooey! :'''All''': '''''10 POINTS FOR GASTON!''''' :''[Gaston plays a chess game with a man, then hits the board, sending it and pieces all over. He takes a bite of leather from the belt once wrapped around his neck, chews it and spits it into a spittoon, which falls and gets stuck on the head of LeFou]'' :'''Gaston''': When I was a lad I ate four dozen eggs. Every morning to help me get '''''LARGE!!!''''' And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs. So I'm roughly the size of a '''''ba-a-a-a-arge!''''' ''[Gaston juggles a number of eggs, then swallows them whole. LeFou attempts the trick, and is hit in the face by three eggs]'' :'''All''': Noooooo, oooone shoots like Gaston, makes those beauts like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': Then goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston. :'''Gaston''': I use antlers in all of my decorating! :''[Gaston takes three shots at a beer barrel, which begins leaking into the mugs of onlookers. He returns stomping to his chair, where we see the fireplace surrounded by the heads of the animals he has killed. The mystery cut of music is here! Cut to ending of "Gaston Reprise"]'' :'''All''': My what a '''''guuuuuy!''''' <big>'''''GASTOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!!!!'''''</big> :''[The old cronies have picked up the chair and carry Gaston around in it. LeFou tries to flee, but they toss the chair into its normal place, and LeFou is pinned underneath. Maurice bursts in frantically]'' :'''Maurice''': Help! Someone help me! :'''Tavern Man''': Maurice? :'''Maurice''': Please! Please, I need your help! He's got her. He's got her locked in the dungeon. :'''Tom''': Who? :'''Maurice''': Belle. We must go. Not... not a minute to lose! :'''Gaston''': Whoa! Slow down, Maurice. Who's got Belle locked in a dungeon? :'''Maurice''': A beast! A horrible, monstrous beast! ''[Maurice has gone from person to person, pleading his case, until he is thrown at the feet of Gaston. A moment of silence, then the old cronies begin to laugh and mock him]'' :'''Dick''': Is it a big beast? :'''Maurice''': Huge! :'''Stanley''': With a long, ugly snout? :'''Maurice''': Hideously ugly! :'''Walter''': And sharp, cruel fangs? :'''Maurice''': Yes, yes. Will you help me? :'''Gaston''': All right, old man. We'll help you out. :'''Maurice''': You will? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! :''[The old cronies pick up Maurice and help him out by throwing him through the door]'' :'''Tom''': Crazy old Maurice. :'''Dick''': He's always good for a laugh! :'''Gaston''': ''[very pensive]'' Crazy old Maurice, hmm? Crazy old Maurice. Hmm? ''[singing]'' LeFou, I'm afraid I've been thinking. :''[LeFou is still under the chair]'' :'''LeFou''': ''[singing]'' A dangerous pastime-- :'''Gaston''': ''[singing]'' I know, / But that wacky old coot is Belle's father / And his sanity's only so-so...| Now the wheels in my head have been turning / Since I looked at that loony old man / See I promised myself I'd be married to Belle, / And right now I'm evolving a plan! ''[Gaston picks LeFou out from under the chair and holds his head close, and whispers]'' :'''Gaston''': If I... ''[whispers]'' :'''LeFou''': Yes? :'''Gaston''': Then I... ''[whispers]'' :'''LeFou''': No, would she? :'''Gaston''': ''[whispering]'' ...GUESS! :'''LeFou''': Now I get it! :'''Gaston and LeFou''': '''Let's Go!''' ''[they begin a waltz around the floor as they sings]'' Noooooo, oooooone, plots like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston. :'''LeFou''': Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston. :'''Chorus''': SO HIS MARRIAGE WE SOON'LL BE '''''Celebra-a-a-ti-i-ing!''''' / My what a guy, '''''GASTOOOOOOOOOON!!!''''' :''[Camera zooms out through window to snow covered square, empty except for Maurice]'' :'''Maurice''': ''[to no one in particular]'' Will no one help me? ''[Random; ? At the bedroom of the castle where Belle is still crying. There is a 'clink clink clink' at the door. She gets up and walks over to open the door. Mrs. Potts enters with Chip and their entourage]'' :'''Belle''': Who is it? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Mrs. Potts, dear. I thought you might like a spot of tea. :'''Belle''': But you...ah...but...I-- :'''Wardrobe''': Oof. Careful! :'''Belle''': This is impossible-- :'''Wardrobe''': I know it is, but here we are! :'''Chip''': Told you she was pretty, Mama, didn't I? :'''Mrs. Potts''': All right, now, Chip, that'll do. Slowly now. Don't spill. :'''Belle''': Thank you. :'''Chip''': Want to see me do a trick? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Chip?! :'''Chip''': Oops, sorry. :'''Mrs. Potts''': That was a very brave thing you did, my dear. :'''Wardrobe''': We all think so. :'''Belle''': But I've lost my father, my dreams, everything. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Cheer up, child. It'll turn out all right in the end. You'll see. Oops! Look at me, jabbering on, when there's a supper to get on the table. Chip! :'''Chip''': Bye! :'''Wardrobe''': Well now, what shall we dress you in for dinner? Let's see what I've got in my drawers. Oh-ho! How embarrassing. Here we are. Ah! There you are, you'll look ravishing in this one! :'''Belle''': That's very kind of you, but I'm not going to dinner. :'''Wardrobe''': Oh, but you must! :'''Cogsworth''': Dinner is served. :'''Beast''': What's taking so long? I told her to come down. '''Why isn't she here yet?!''' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, try to be patient, sir. The girl has lost her father and her freedom all in one day. :'''Lumière''': Uh, master. Have you thought that, perhaps, this girl could be the one to break the spell? :'''Beast''': Of course I have! I'm not a fool. :'''Lumière''': Good! You fall in love with her, she falls in love with you, and - Poof! - the spell is broken! We'll be human again by midnight! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, it's not that easy, Lumière. These things take time. :'''Lumière''': But the rose has already begun to wilt. :'''Beast''': Oh, it's no use. She's so beautiful, and I'm... well, look at me! :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, you must help her to see past all that. :'''Beast''': I don't know how. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, you can start by making yourself more presentable. Straighten up, try to act like a gentleman. :'''Lumière''': Ah yes, when she comes in, give her a dashing, debonair smile. Come, come. Show me the smile. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But don't frighten the poor girl. :'''Lumière''': Impress her with your rapier wit. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But be gentle. :'''Lumière''': Shower her with compliments. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But be sincere. :'''Lumière''': And above all... :'''Mrs. Potts and Lumière''': You must control your temper! :'''Lumière''': There she is! :'''Cogsworth''': Uh, good evening. :'''Beast''': Well, where is she? :'''Cogsworth''': Who? Oh! The girl. Yes, the, ah, girl. Well, actually, she's in the process of, ah, um, circumstances being what they are, ew... She's not coming. :'''Beast''': <big>'''''WHAT?!?!'''''</big> :'''Cogsworth''': Oh, dear, Your Grace, Your Eminence! Let's not be hasty! :'''Beast''': '''I thought I told you to come down to dinner!''' :'''Belle''': I'm not hungry. :'''Beast''': '''You come out, or I'll...I'll...''I'LL BREAK DOWN THE DOOR!!!''''' :'''Lumière''': Master, I could be wrong, but that may not be the best way to win the girl's affections. :'''Cogsworth''': Please, attempt to be a gentleman. :'''Beast''': But she is being so ''difficult!'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Gently, gently. :'''Beast''': Will you come down to dinner? :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': Hmm?! :'''Cogsworth''': Uh-uh-uh! Suave. Genteel. :'''Beast''': It would give me great pleasure... if you would join me for dinner. :'''Cogsworth''': Ahem, ahem, we say "please". :'''Beast''': Please. :'''Belle''': No, thank you! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily; losing patience]'' '''You can't stay in there forever!''' :'''Belle''': ''[provoked]'' Yes, I can! :'''Beast''': ''[angrily]'' Fine! Then go ahead and ''[roars]'' '''''STAAAAARVE!!''''' If she doesn't eat with me, then she doesn't eat ''at all.'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, dear. That didn't go very well at all, did it? :'''Cogsworth''': Lumière, stand watch at the door and inform me at once if there is the slightest change. :'''Lumière''': You can count on me, mon-Capitan. :'''Cogsworth''': Well, we might as well go downstairs and start cleaning up. :'''Beast''': I ask nicely, but she refuses! What-What does she want me to do?! Beg?! Show me the girl. :'''Wardrobe''': But the master's really not so bad once you get to know him. Why don't you give him a chance? :'''Belle''': I don't want to get to know him. I don't want to have anything to do with him! :'''Beast''': I'm just fooling myself. She'll never see me as anything but a monster. It's hopeless. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fade out/Fade in to exterior of Belle's room. Door creaks open. Belle silently emerges. We see her feet go by as three bright spots shine through a curtain at floor level. Behind it are Lumière and Featherduster.]'' :'''Featherduster''': Oh, no! :'''Lumière''': Oh, yes! :'''Featherduster''': Oh, no! :'''Lumière''': Oh, yes, yes, yes! :'''Featherduster''': I've been burnt by you before! :''[Lumière and Featherduster have emerged and Lumière takes her in his arms. Suddenly he looks up and sees Belle walking down the hall. He drops Featherduster.]'' :'''Featherduster''': Oof! :'''Lumière''': Zut alors! She has emerged! :''[Inside the kitchen, where we find Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts, Chip and the stove.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Come on, Chip. Into the cupboard with your brothers and sisters. ''[helping him in]'' :'''Chip''': But I'm not sleepy. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Yes you are. :'''Chip''': No, I'm not. ''[He falls asleep and Mrs. Potts shuts the cupboard door.]'' :''[A banging of pots and pans comes from the stove.]'' :'''Stove''': I work and I slave all day long, and for what? A culinary masterpiece gone to waste. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, stop your grousing. It's been a long night for all of us. :'''Cogsworth''': Well, if you ask me, she was just being stubborn. After all, the master did say please. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But if the master doesn't learn to control that temper, he'll never break the-- :''[Belle enters, and Cogsworth cuts off Mrs. Potts before she can say 'spell.']'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[interrupting]'' Splendid to see you out and about, mademoiselle. :''[Lumière comes running in.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': I am Cogsworth, head of the household. :''[He leans over to kiss her hand, but Lumière butts in front of him.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': This is Lumière. :'''Lumière''': Enchanté, chérie. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[trying to talk around Lumière who is still kissing Belle's hand]'' If there's anything...stop that...that we can...please ''[finally shoving him out of the way]''...to make your stay more comfortable. ''[Lumière burns the hand of Cogsworth]'' Ow!!!! :'''Belle''': I am a little hungry. :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[excited, to the other tea pots]'' You are? Hear that? She's hungry. Stoke the fire, break out the silver, wake the China. :''[The fire on the stove roars to life, and drawers open to reveal silverware standing at attention.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': ''[secretively]'' Remember what the master said. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, pish tosh. I'm not going to let the poor child go hungry. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[thinking he is giving in to the ultimate demand]'' Oh, all right, fine. Glass of water, crust of bread, and then-- :'''Lumière''': Cogsworth, I am surprised at you. She's not our prisoner. She's our guest. We must make her feel welcome here. ''[to Belle]'' Right this way, mademoiselle. :'''Cogsworth''': Well keep it down. If the master finds out about this, it will be our necks! :'''Lumière''': Of course, of course. But what is dinner without a little music? :''[Lumière has started out the swinging door. He lets it close, and the door hits Cogsworth and sends him across the room to land in a panfilled with (what looks like) pancake batter. He screams his line as he is in flight.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': '''''MUSIC?!''''' :''[Cut to dining room, where Belle is seated at the end of a long table. Lumière is on the table and a spotlight shines on him.]'' :'''Lumière''': Ma chère, mademoiselle. It is with deepest pride pleasure and greatest pride that I welcome you tonight. And now, we invite you to relax. Let us pull up a chair as the dining room proudly presents...your dinner. ''[singing]'' Be our guest, be our guest / Put our service to the test, tie your napkin 'round your neck, chérie and we provide the rest! ''[The chair has wrapped a napkin around the neck of Belle, who takes it off and places it on her lap. The chair's arms put it's hands on it's 'waist' as if it were mad.]'' Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres / Why we only live to serve / Try the grey stuff, it's delicious / Don't believe me? Ask the dishes! ''[Lumière offers Belle a plate of hors d'oeuvres. She dips her finger in one, and tastes it.]'' They can sing, they can dance / After all, miss, this is France! / And a dinner here is never second best! / Go on unfold your menu, take a glance and then you'll / Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! ''[A cabinet at the end of the table opens to reveal a large China collection, which rolls out and begins to perform. Lumière hands Belle a menu, which she begins to read.]'' Beef ragout, cheese soufflé, Pie and pudding en flambé! / We'll prepare and serve with flair / A culinary cabaret! ''[plates of food go dancing by, with Cogsworth in the pudding. Lumière sets his torch to it, and it explodes, turning Cogsworth's face black with soot.]'' You're alone and you're scared, But the banquet's all prepared! / No one's gloomy or complaining, / While the flatware's entertaining! ''[The flatware enters a 'Busby Berkley-esque' swimming scene.]'' We tell jokes, I do tricks / With my fellow candlesticks ''[Lumière, standing on a plate, is elevated and begins to juggle his candles. Mugs enter the shot.]'' :'''Mugs''': And it's all in perfect taste / That you can bet!!! ''[The Mugs begin a gymnastics routine, hopping over one another and passing a beverage from one to the next]'' :'''All''': Come on and lift your glass, You've won your own free pass / To be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! :'''Lumière''': If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest! :'''All''': Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest! :''[All leave except Cogsworth, who looks scared, then begins to inch away. Lumière enters and holds him there.]'' :'''Lumière''': Life is so unnerving, For a servant who's not serving! / He's not whole without a soul to wait upon :'''Cogsworth''': Get off! :'''Lumière''': Ah, those good old days when we were useful :'''Cogsworth''': Huh? Oh! :'''Lumière''': Suddenly, those good old days are gone. :''[Lumière sings as if he were reminiscing. Snow begins to fall. Cogsworth looks up and sees the salt and pepper shakers doing their thing.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Ohh. :'''Lumière''': 10 years we've been rustin' / Needin' so much more than dustin' / Needin' exercise, a chance to use our skills! :'''Cogsworth''': Yaaaaaooo… :''[Lumière dusts the salt of the head of Cogsworth, who tries to escape. He tripsand falls into the gelatin mold.]'' :'''Lumière''': Most days just lay around the castle. :'''Cogsworth''': Ngngngngh! :'''Lumière''': Flabby fat and lazy / You walked in, and oops-a-daisie! :'''Cogsworth''': Whoa! :''[Lumière jumps on a spoon in the gelatin, which catapults Cogsworth out of the mold. Cut to kitchen, where Mrs. Potts is surrounded by soap bubbles.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's a guest, it's a guest! Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed! Wine's been poured and thank the Lord I've had the napkins freshly pressed! ''[Mrs. Potts continues to dance around the kitchen]'' With dessert, she'll want tea, And my dear, that's fine with me! While the cups do their soft shoein', I'll be bubblin', I'll be brewin'! I'll get warm, pipin' hot Heaven's sake, is that a spot? Clean it up, we want the company impressed! We've got a lot to do-- Is it one lump or two? For you our guest! ''[Mrs. Potts is cleaned off by a napkin. She hops onto the tea cart and rolls into the dining room, where she offers tea to Belle.]'' :'''All''': She's our guest! :'''Mrs. Potts''': She's our guest! :'''All''': She's our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Our command is your request! :'''Cogsworth''': Let's go, people. Fun's over. Over here. Line up. Aaaaaaah! :'''All''': It's ten years since we had anybody here and we're obsessed! With your meal, with your ease, / Yes indeed, we aim to please / While the candlelight's still glowin' / Let us help you, we'll keep going! :''[The [[China]] and candlesticks perform an elaborately choreographed dance sequence, ending in a closeup of Lumière.]'' :'''Lumière and All''': Course, by course / One by one / Til you shout "Enough, I'm done!" / Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest. Tonight you'll prop your feet up, But for let's eat up, Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest! Please, '''BE...''' '''''OUR... <big>GUUUUUUUEEEEEEST!!!!!!</big>''''' :''[A fantastic ending comes of the song, with silverware flying through the air, plates and Featherdusters dancing, and Cogsworth the focus of attention, until Lumière comes sliding in and sends him flying out of camera range.]'' :'''Belle''': Bravo! That was wonderful! :'''Cogsworth''': Thank you, thank you, mademoiselle. Yes, good show, wasn't it everyone. ''[Looking at his own face]'' Oh, my goodness, will you look at the time. Now, it's off to bed, off to bed! :''[Lumière comes up next to Cogsworth.]'' :'''Belle''': Oh, I couldn't possibly go to bed now. It's my first time in an enchanted castle. :'''Cogsworth''': Enchanted? Who said anything about the castle being enchanted? ''[He tries to cover it up, just as a fork runs past. To Lumière]'' :'''Cogsworth''': It was you, wasn't it! :'''Belle''': I, um, figured it out for myself. :''[Cogsworth and Lumière have been fighting. They both look at her, then stop. Cogsworth dusts himself off, and Lumière fixes his wax nose.]'' :'''Belle''': I'd like to look around, if that's all right. :'''Lumière''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Would you like a tour? :'''Cogsworth''': Wait a second, wait a second. I'm not sure that's such a good idea. ''[Confidentially, to Lumière]'' We can't let her go poking around in certain places, if you know what I mean. :'''Belle''': ''[Poking Cogsworth in the belly (like the Pillsbury doughboy)]'' Perhaps you could take me. I'm sure you know everything there is to know about the castle. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[flattered]'' Well, actually, ah yes, I do! :''[Fade to Cogsworth, Lumière, and Belle walking down a hall with Sultan. Cogsworth is lecturing.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': As you can see, the pseudo façade was stripped away to reveal a minimalist rococo design. Note the unusual inverted vaulted ceilings. This is yet another example of the neo-classic baroque period, and as I always say, if it's not baroque, don't fix it! Ha ha ha. Now then, where was I? ''[He turns to find the heads of the suits of armor have turned to follow Belle.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': As you were! ''[They all snap back to face forward.]'' Now, if I may draw your attention to the flying buttresses above the--mademoiselle? :''[Cogsworth turns back to the group and is one girl short. He sees her beginning to climb the grand staircase. He and Lumière run up to her and jump in front of her, blocking her progress upstairs.]'' :'''Belle''': What's up there? :'''Cogsworth''': Where? Up there? Nothing. Absolutely nothing of interest at all in the West Wing. Dusty, dull, very boring. ''[Lumière has been shaking his head, but Cogsworth nudges him and he nods in agreement.]'' :'''Belle''': Oh, so that's the West Wing. :'''Lumière''': ''[To Cogsworth]'' Nice going! :'''Belle''': I wonder what he's hiding up there. :'''Lumière''': Hiding? The master is hiding nothing! :'''Belle''': Then it wouldn't be forbidden. :''[She steps over them, but they dash up and block her again.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Perhaps mademoiselle would like to see something else. We have exquisite tapestries dating all the way back to... :'''Belle''': ''[again stepping over them]'' Maybe later. :'''Lumière''': ''[with Cogsworth, again dashing and blocking]'' The gardens, or the library perhaps? :'''Belle''': ''[Now, with incredible interest]'' You have a library? :'''Cogsworth''': ''[Thrilled that he has found something to interest her]'' Oh. yes! Indeed! :'''Lumière''': With books! :'''Cogsworth''': Gads of books! :'''Lumière''': Mountains of books! :'''Cogsworth''': Forests of books! :'''Lumière''': Cascades... :'''Cogsworth''': ...of books! :'''Lumière''': Swamps of books! :'''Cogsworth''': More books than you'll ever be able to read in a lifetime! Books on every subject ever studied, by every author who ever set pen to paper... :''[Lumière and Cogsworth begin marching off, and Belle begins to follow, but her curiosity overtakes her, and she turns back to the West Wing. Her excitement begins to dwindle, though, when she enters the hallway leading to Beast's lair. As she walks down the hall, she stops to look in a mirror that has been shattered into several pieces, each one reflecting her concerned look. She reaches the end of the hall and finds a closed door with gargoyle handles. She takes a deep breath, then reaches out and opens the door. Inside the lair, where Belle begins to explore. She is truly shocked by everything she sees. She wanders around, looking, and knocks over a table, but she catches it before it crashes to the floor. She then turns her head and sees a shredded picture on the wall. We can only see part of a portrait. It is the same portrait that was shredded in the opening. Belle reaches out and lifts the shreds of the picture to reveal the prince. We never see this, however, for then she turns her head and sees the rose under the bell jar. She walks over to it, her eyes transfixes. She reaches out, then lifts off the jar, leaves the rose unprotected. She reaches up, brushes back the strand of hair that has been repeatedly falling on her forehead, then reaches out to touch the rose. As she nears it, a shadow falls over her and Belle gasps in shocked. Beast has been on the balcony, and sees her. He jumps back into the room, then slams the jar back on the rose. He then turns his attention to Belle]'' :'''Beast''': ''[growing angrily-ish]'' Why did you come here? :'''Belle''': ''[backs away, scared]'' I'm-I'm sorry. :'''Beast''': I warned you never to come here! :'''Belle''': I didn't mean any harm. :'''Beast''': ''[angrier]'' Do you realize what you could have done?! :''[Beast begins to thrash at the furniture]'' :'''Belle''': ''[pleaders, but still scared]'' Please, stop! :'''Beast''': ''[screaming]'' <big>'''''GET OUT!!!!'''''</big> :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': ''[screaming]'' <big>'''''GEEET, OOOOOOUUUTT!!!!'''''</big> :''[Belle turns and flees the room. Beast calms down, then falls into despair, finally realizes that he may have destroyed his chances with Belle. She reaches the stairway and grabs her cloak. She rushes down the stairs, wrapping the cloak around her and bursting past a confused Lumière and Cogsworth]'' :'''Lumière''': Where are you going? :'''Belle''': Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute! :'''Cogsworth''': Oh, no, wait, please! Please wait! :''[Lumière tries to respond, but Belle slams the door behind her. He and Cogsworth both bow their heads in sadness. When Belle outside in the forest on Philippe. She begins to ride through the forest, but Philippe comes to a stop. She looks up and sees the wolves. She gasps, then pulls the reins and begins to flee. She runs from side to side, making the wolves hit the trees (a la Speederbike chase in '''[[w:Return of the Jedi|Return of the Jedi]]'''). Philippe runs out on a frozen pond, but his and Belle's weight collapse the ice. The wolves chase her into the water. Some begin to drown, but Philippe is able to get out of the water before anything serious happens. He runs into a clears, but becomes surrounded by wolves. He bucks, throws Belle off and wrapped the reins around a tree branch. The wolves begin their attack on Philippe, but Belle comes to his rescue and beats them away with a stick. One wolf grabs the stick in its mouth and breaks half of it off, leaves Belle defenseless. Another leaps at her, grabs the corner of her cloak and dragging her to the ground]'' :'''Belle''': <big>'''''NO!!!'''''</big> ''[She looks up and sees a wolf about to jump on top of her. It leaps and is caught in mid-air by Beast. He throws the wolf away, then stands behind them and Belle. They lunge at each other. One rips a hole in Beast's shoulder, and the others focus their attack on that spot. Finally, Beast throws a wolf against a tree, knocks it out. The others turn and run in fear. Beast turns back to Belle, looks at her despairingly, then collapses. Belle, grateful to be alive, turns back to Philippe and begins to get on, but her conscience takes over, and she walks over to the fallen Beast. Fade to Belle and Philippe walking back to the castle, with Beast on the horse's back. Fade to inside the den, with Belle pouring hot water out of Mrs. Potts. She soaks a rag in the water, then turns to Beast, who is licking his wounds, dampening rag]'' Here, now. ''[sees the Beast licking the wound on his arm]'' Oh, don't do that. ''[the Beast backs away with a growl as the servants start to back away in fear]'' Just hold still. ''[places the rag on the Beast's wound; the Beast mighty roars in pain and the servants takes cover]'' :'''Beast''': <big>'''''THAT HURTS!!!'''''</big> :'''Belle''': If you'd hold still, it wouldn't hurt as much! :'''Beast''': Well, if you hadn't have run away, this wouldn't have happened. :'''Belle''': If you hadn't frightened me, I wouldn't have run away. :'''Beast''': Well, ''you'' shouldn't have been in The West Wing! :'''Belle''': Well, ''you'' should learn to control your temper. Now, hold still. This might sting a little. :'''Beast''': Hmm? Mmm! :'''Belle''': By the way, thank you, for saving my life. :'''Beast''': You're welcome. :''[The camera zooms out and we see the objects looking on with interest. Fade to Gaston's tavern, which is empty except for Gaston, LeFou and Monsieur D'Arque, who are all sitting at a table]'' :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I don't usually leave the asylum in the middle of the night, but they said you'd make it worth my while. ''[Gaston pulls out a sack of gold and tosses it in front of him. He takes out a piece, scrapes it on his chin and continues]'' Aah, I'm listening. :'''Gaston''': It's like this. I've got my heart set on marrying Belle, but she needs a little persuasion. :'''LeFou''': ''[butting in]'' Turned him down flat! :''[Gaston slams a beer mug on his head]'' :'''Gaston''': Everyone knows her father's a lunatic. He was in here tonight raving about a beast in a castle... :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Maurice is harmless. :'''Gaston''': The point is, Belle would do anything to keep him from being locked up. :'''LeFou''': Yeah, even marry him! :''[Gaston gives him another threatening look, and he ducks back under the mug]'' :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': So you want me to throw her father in the asylum unless she agrees to marry you? ''[They both nod in agreement]'' Oh, that is despicable. I love it! :''[Inside Belle's cottage, Maurice is packing to leave]'' :'''Maurice''': If no one will help me, then I'll go back alone. I don't care what it takes. I'll find that castle and somehow I'll get her out of there. :''[Maurice leaves to go find Belle, Gaston and LeFou enter her house to look for him and Belle.]'' :'''Gaston''': Belle? Maurice? :'''LeFou''': Oh, well. I guess it's not go to work, after all. :'''Gaston''': ''[grabs LeFou by his collar and carries him out]'' They have to come back sometime. And when they do, we'll be ready for them. LeFou, ''[throws him into the pile of snow nearby]'' don't move from that spot, until Belle and her father come home. ''[leaves on a horse wagon]'' :'''LeFou''': But... But I... ''[hits a wood]'' Ah, nuts! ''[a snow falls on him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the castle. Belle is playing in the snow with Phillipe and Sultan. Beast, Cogsworth and Lumière watch from the balcony.]'' :'''Beast''': I've never felt this way about anyone. ''[Looks excited]'' I want to do something for her. ''[Looks discouraged.]'' But what? :'''Cogsworth''': Well, there's the usual things--flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep... :'''Lumière''': Ahh, no no. It has to be something very special. Something that sparks her inter--wait a minute. :''[Cut to interior hallway leading to library. Beast and Belle are alone.]'' :'''Beast''': Belle, there's something I want to show you. ''[Begins to open the door, then stops.]'' But first, you have to close your eyes. :''[She looks at him questioningly.]'' :'''Beast''': It's a surprise. :''[Belle closes her eyes, and Beast waves his hand in front of her. Then he opens the door. He leads her in.]'' :'''Belle''': ''[Just as she enters the room]'' Can I open them? :'''Beast''': No, no. Not yet. Wait here. :''[Beast walks away to draw back the curtains. He does, and brilliant sunlight spills into the room. Belle flinches reflexively as the light hits her face.]'' :'''Belle''': Now can I open them? :'''Beast''': All right. Now. :''[Belle opens her eyes and the camera pulls back to reveal the gigantic library filled with books.]'' :'''Belle''': I can't believe it. I've never seen so many books in all my life! :'''Beast''': You--you like it? :'''Belle''': It's wonderful. :'''Beast''': Then it's yours. :'''Belle''': Oh, thank you so much. :''[Cut to Belle and Beast in background, with Objects including Chip in foreground watching them.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Oh, would you look at that? :'''Lumière''': Ha ha! I knew it would work. :'''Chip''': What? What works? :'''Cogsworth''': It's very encouraging. :'''Featherduster''': Isn't this exciting! :'''Chip''': I didn't see anything. :'''Mrs. Potts''': Come along, Chip. There's chores to be done in the kitchen. :'''Chip''': But what are they talking about? What's going on? :''[Objects walk away. Fade to breakfast table with Belle at one end and Beast at the other, with Mrs. Potts between them. Belle is served breakfast, and as she begins to eat, she looks at Beast, gobbling up his food with no table manners whatsoever. Chip laughs, but Mrs. Potts shoots him an admonishing look. Belle turns away and tries to ignore it, but Chip comes to the rescue. He nudges the spoon with his nose, and Beast reaches out for it (very 3-D-ishly). Belle looks at him in wonder as he tries to eat with the spoon, but he has little success. Finally, Belle puts down her spoon and lifts her bowl as if in a toast. Beast looks at the compromise and does the same. They both begin to sip their breakfast out of their bowls. Fade to courtyard where Belle and Beast are feeding the birds.]'' :'''Belle''': There's something sweet / And almost kind / But he was mean / And he was coarse and unrefined. But now he's dear / And so unsure, / I wonder why I didn't see it there before. ''[Belle is trying to attract some birds to Beast, who shoves a handful of seed at them. Finally, she takes a handful and gently spreads it out, creating a trail. One lands in his hands, and he looks up thrilled.]'' :'''Beast''': She glanced this way / I thought I saw / And when we touched / She didn't shudder at my paw / No, it can't be / I'll just ignore / But then she's never looked at me that way before. ''[Belle has ducked around a tree, leaving Beast with the birds. She begins to look doubtful again, but turns her head around the tree and laughs. Beast is covered with birds.]'' :'''Belle''': New, and a bit alarming / Who'd have ever thought that this could be? / True, that he's no Prince Charming / But there's something in him that I simply didn't see. :''[Belle throws a snowball at Beast, who had looked at her proudly after the birds flew away. He begins to gather a large pile of snow. We cut to the Objects, looking out of a window at the two. In the background, Belle throws another snowball at Beast, who drops his huge pile of snow on his head. He chases her around a tree, but she ducks around the other side and sneaks up on him from behind.]'' :'''Lumière''': Well, who'd have thought? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, bless my soul. :'''Cogsworth''': And who'd have known? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Well, who indeed? :'''Lumière''': And who'd have guessed they'd come together on their own? :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's so peculiar. :'''All''': We'll wait and see / A few days more / There may be something there that wasn't there before. :''[Fade to den where Belle sits in front of a roaring fire and reads to Beast. Objects including Chip watch from doorway]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, perhaps there's something there that wasn't there before. :'''Chip''': What? :'''Mrs. Potts''': There may be something there that wasn't there before. :'''Chip''': What's there, mama? :'''Mrs. Potts''': I'll tell you when you're older. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the Beast's lair. He is in the tub getting washed up for the big night with Belle. Lumière is there with him.]'' :'''Lumière''': Tonight is the night! :'''Beast''': ''[hesitantly]'' I'm not sure I can do this. :'''Lumière''': You don't have time to be timid. You must be bold, daring. :'''Beast''': Bold. Daring. ''[Beast has emerged from the tub and shakes himself dry.]'' :'''Lumière''': There will be music. Romantic candlelight, provided myself, and when the time is right, you confess your love. :'''Beast''': ''[Inspired]'' Yes, I -- I con--No, I can't. :'''Lumière''': You care for the girl, don't you? :'''Beast''': More than anything. :'''Lumière''': Well then you must tell her. ''[Coatrack has been cutting Beast's hair. It finishes and steps back.]'' Voila. You look so...so... ''[Cut to shot of Beast in pig-tails and bows.]'' :'''Beast''': Stupid. :'''Lumière''': Not quite the word I was looking for. Perhaps a little more off the top. :''[Coatrack begins to cut and chop again. Cogsworth enters.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Ahem ahem ahem. Your lady awaits. :''[Cut to grand staircase, where Belle descends from the West Wing side in a glittering gold ball gown. She reaches the landing and looks up at Beast, who is standing at the top of the stairs in his dress clothes. He is nudged on by Lumière from behind the curtain, and he descends and meets Belle at the landing. Arm in arm, they descend the last section of stairs and continue on their way to dinner, stopped momentarily by Sultan. Mrs. Potts sings from her cart with Chip on board.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly / Just a little change / Small to say the least / Both a little scared / Neither one prepared / Beauty and the Beast ''[Belle and Beast have moved into the ballroom, where they move through a computer perfect dance sequence. Beast occasionally looks over at Lumière and Cogsworth for their approval. Mrs. Potts and Chip are in the ballroom on their cart.]'' Ever just the same / Ever a surprise / Ever as before, ever just as sure / As the sun will rise / Tale as old as time / Tune as old as song / Bittersweet and strange, / Finding you can change, learning you were wrong / Certain as the sun / Rising in the east / Tale as old as time, / Song as old as rhyme, beauty and the Beast. / Tale as old as time, / Song as old as rhyme, beauty and the Beast. ''[To Chip]'' Off to the cupboard with you now, Chip. It's past your bedtime. Good night, love. ''[Chip slides off the end of the cart, and hops out of the room, but comes back for one last look. Belle and Beast have adjourned to the balcony under a starry night.]'' :'''Beast''': Belle? Are you happy here with me? :'''Belle''': ''[Hesitantly]'' Yes. ''[She looks off into the distance]'' :'''Beast''': What is it? :'''Belle''': ''[Looks at him desperately]'' If only I could see my father again, just for a moment. I miss him so much. :'''Beast''': ''[Looks disappointed for a moment, then excited.]'' There is a way. ''[The pair adjourn to Beast's lair, where Beast hands Belle the magic mirror.]'' This mirror will show you anything, anything you wish to see. :'''Belle''': ''[Hesitantly]'' I'd like to see my father, please. ''[The magic mirror shines into life, and Belle turns her head away as it flashes. Then it reveals Maurice fallen in the woods, coughing and lost. Belle is shocked. Beast looks at her with concern.]'' Papa. Oh, no. He's sick, he may be dying. And he's all alone. ''[Beast turns, then looks at the rose, deep in thought.]'' :'''Beast''': Then...then you must go to him. :'''Belle''': What did you say? :'''Beast''': I release you. You're no longer my prisoner. :'''Belle''': You mean...I'm free? :'''Beast''': Yes. :'''Belle''': Oh, thank you. Hold on, Papa. I’m on my way. :'''Beast''': Take it with you so you'll always have a way to look back and remember me. :'''Belle''': Thank you for understanding how much he needs me. ''[Belle turns to leave and Beast looks down in depression. She touches her hand to his cheek and rushes out. We see Belle's skirt fly past Cogsworth, who has entered the room.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Well, your highness I have to say that everything it's going great I knew that she was capable. :'''Beast''': I let her go. :'''Cogsworth''': ''[chuckles]'' Yes, yes. Splen-- ''[realizes what the Beast just said]'' You what? How could you do that? :'''Beast''': I had to. :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, but why? :'''Beast''': Because... I love her. :''[Cut to Cogsworth telling the rest of the Objects about Beast's decision.]'' :'''All''': ''[except Cogsworth]'' He did '''''WHAT?!''''' :'''Cogsworth''': Yes, I'm afraid it's true. :'''Chip:''' She's going away? :'''Lumière''': But he was so close. :'''Mrs. Potts''': After all this time, he's finally learned to love. :'''Lumière''': That's it, then. That should break the spell. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But it's not enough. She has to love him in return. :'''Cogsworth''': And now it's too late. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to Beast watching Belle leave from above. He roars in sorrow and anger. His roar turns into the sound of the wind. Belle is out in the snow.]'' :'''Belle''': Papa? Papa? ''[gasps]'' :''[Finally, she finds him face down in a snowbank. They return home, where LeFou is still waiting, disguised as a snowman.]'' :'''LeFou''': Oh, they're back. :''[Cut to black. POV of Maurice as his eyes open. He sees Belle.]'' :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''Belle''': It's all right, Papa. I'm home. :'''Maurice''': I thought I'd never see you again. :'''Belle''': I missed you so much. :'''Maurice''': But the Beast. How did you escape? :'''Belle''': I didn't escape, Papa. He let me go. :'''Maurice''': That horrible Beast? :'''Belle''': But he's different, now. He's changed somehow. :''[There is a sound coming from Belle's pack. The flap opens and the magic mirror falls out with Chip rolling to a stop on it.]'' :'''Chip''': Hi! :'''Belle''': Oh, a stowaway. :'''Maurice''': Why, hello there, little fella. Didn't think I'd ever see you again. ''[Chip turns to Belle with a look of question on his face.]'' :'''Chip''': Belle, why'd you go away? Don't you like us anymore? :'''Belle''': Oh, Chip. Of course I do. It's just that-- :''[There is a knocking at the door. Belle opens it and Monsieur D'Arque stands on the porch.]'' :'''Belle''': May I help you? :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': I've come to collect your father. :'''Belle''': My father? :'''Monsieur D'Arque''': Don't worry, mademoiselle. We'll take good care of him. :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy. :'''LeFou''': He was raving like a lunatic. We all heard him, didn't we! :'''Bystanders''': Yes! :'''Belle''': No, I won't let you. :'''Maurice''': Belle? :'''LeFou''': Maurice. Tell us again, old man, just how big was the Beast? :'''Maurice''': Well, he was... that is... enormous. I'd say at least eight, no more like ten feet. :'''LeFou''': Well, you don't get much crazier than that. :'''Maurice''': It's true, I tell you! :'''LeFou''': Get him out of here! :'''Maurice''': Let go of me! :'''Belle''': No, you can't do this! :'''Gaston''': Poor Belle. It's a shame about your father. :'''Belle''': You know he's not crazy, Gaston. :'''Gaston''': Hmm. I think I might be able to clear up this little misunderstanding, if... :'''Belle''': If what? :'''Gaston''': If you marry me. :'''Belle''': What? :'''Gaston''': One little word, Belle. That's all it takes. :'''Belle''': Never! :'''Gaston''': Have it your way. :'''Maurice''': Belle? Let go of me! :'''Belle''': My father's not crazy and I can prove it! Show me the Beast! :'''Woman #1''': Is it dangerous? :'''Belle''': Oh, no, no. He'd never hurt anyone. Please, I know he looks vicious, but he's really kind and gentle. He's my friend. :'''Gaston''': If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for this monster. :'''Belle''': He's no monster, Gaston. You are! :'''Gaston''': She's as crazy as the old man! The Beast will make off with your children! He'll come after them in the night! :'''Belle''': No! :'''Gaston''': We're not safe until his head is mounted on my wall! I say we kill the Beast! :''[Mob cheers him and repeats the words 'kill him'.]'' :'''Man #1''': We're not safe until he's dead. :'''Man #2''': He'll come stalkin' us at night! :'''Woman #1''': Set to sacrifice our children to his monstrous appetite! :'''Man #3''': He'll wreak havoc on our village / If we let him wander free. :'''Gaston''': So, it's time, to take some action, boys, it's tiiime, tooo, folloooww, meeeeee!!!!!! ''[Gaston throws a torch into a haystack, creating an instant bonfire. He begins to prance around it, warning of the dangers of the horrible Beast.]'' Through the mist, through the woods / Through the darkness and the shadows / It's a nightmare but it's one exciting ride. / Say a prayer, then we're there / At the drawbridge of a castle, And there's something truly terrible inside. ''[Gaston chases LeFou around, mimicking a monster.]'' It's a Beast, He's got fangs, razor sharp ones / Massive paws, Killer claws for the feast ''[Magic mirror shows the face of Beast to LeFou, which Gaston exaggerates about.]'' Hear him roar, see him foam, But we're not comin' home, Until he's dead / Good and dead, kill the Beast! :'''Belle''': ''[Interjecting]'' No, I won't let you do this. :'''Gaston''': If you're not with us, you're against us. Bring the old man. ''[Gaston is snatched the mirror and clutches the pants]'' :'''Maurice''': Get your hands off me! ''[Gaston throws them into the basement and bolts the door.]'' :'''Gaston''': We can't have them runnin' off to warn the creature! :'''Belle''': <big>'''''LET US OUT!!!'''''</big> :'''Gaston''': ''[To the crowd]'' We'll rid the village of this Beast. '''''Who's with me?''''' :''[A chorus of "I am"s comes from the crowd]'' :'''Mob''': Light your torch, mount your horse! :'''Gaston''': Screw your courage to the sticking place :'''Mob''': We're countin' on Gaston to lead the way! Through a mist, to a wood, Where within a haunted castle, Something's lurking that you don't see every day! ''[Gaston leads the Mob through the town and out into the forest, where they start chopping trees in preparation for their assault on the castle.]'' It's a Beast, One as tall as a mountain! We won't rest / Until he's good and deceased! Sally forth, tally ho, Grab your sword, grab your bow / Praise the Lord and here we go! :'''Gaston''': <big>'''''WE'LL LAY SIEGE TO HIS CASTLE AND BRING BACK HIS HEAD!!!'''''</big> :''[Cut to interior of basement, where Belle is prying at the window with a stick.]'' :'''Belle''': I have to warn the Beast. This is all my fault. Oh, Papa. What are we going to do? :'''Maurice''': ''[Comforting her]'' Now, now. We'll think of something. ''[We see Chip looking in through the window. He turns around, thinking, and then he sees Maurice's contraption with the axe on the end of it.]'' :'''Mob''': We don't like, what we don't / Understand, it frankly scares us / And this monster is mysterious at least! Bring your guns, bring your knives, Save your children and your wives, We'll save our village and our lives, We'll kill the Beast! :'''Cogsworth''': I knew it, I knew it was foolish to get our hopes up. :'''Lumière''': Maybe it would have been better if she had never come at all. ''[Sultan comes in barking. They rush over to the window expecting the return of Belle.]'' Could it be? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Is it she? :'''Lumière''': ''[Realizing the Mob is not Belle]'' Sacre bleu, invaders! :'''Cogsworth''': Encroachers! :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[Seeing Gaston]'' And they have the mirror! :'''Cogsworth''': ''[Issuing orders]'' Warn the master. If it's a fight they want, we'll be ready for them. ''[Turns around from window]'' Who's with me? Aahh! :''[The door is slammed as the rest of the Objects leave Cogsworth behind.]'' :'''Gaston''': Take whatever booty you can find, but remember, the Beast is mine! :''[Cut to stairway, where Objects are marching down to do battle with the Mob.]'' :'''Objects''': Hearts ablaze, banners high! We go marching into battle, Unafraid, although the danger just increased! :'''Mob''': Raise the flag, sing the song / Here we come, we're fifty strong, and 50 Frenchmen can't be wro-o-o-ong, Let's kill the Beast! :''[Cut to interior of Beast's lair, where Mrs. Potts is briefing him.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Pardon me, master. :'''Beast''': Leave me in peace. :'''Mrs. Potts''': But sir, the castle is under attack! :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast! :''[The Objects have tried to block off the door, but it is being bashed in by the Mob.]'' :'''Lumière''': This isn't working! :'''Featherduster''': Oh, Lumière! We must do something! :'''Lumière''': Wait! I know! :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast! :''[Cut to Beast's lair]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': What shall we do, master? :'''Beast''': ''[Still very sad]'' It doesn't matter now. Just let them come. :'''Mob''': Kill the Beast, kill the Beast, kill the Beast!! ''[The Mob succeeds in breaking in, and finds a grand entrance filled with assorted pieces of furniture, teacups, candlesticks, Featherdusters and clocks. They tiptoe in, and LeFou unknowingly picks up Lumière.]'' :'''Lumière''': '''''NOW!!!''''' ''[All the Objects spring into life, attacking their human enemies. Cut back to Belle's home, where Chip has readied the invention with purple smoke.]'' :'''Chip''': Yes! Here we go! :''[Chip has a rise in Maurice's invention with a violin sounds louder. Maurice looks out from the window and sees the advancing axe.]'' :'''Maurice''': What the devil? Belle, look out! :''[The invention crashes into the door, and a red cloud of smoke poofs out of the basement. Belle and Maurice emerge from the wreckage to find Chip swinging on a loose spring.]'' :'''Chip''': You guys gotta try this thing. :''[Cut back to the castle where the attack continues.]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': Up here, you scurvy scum! Now! ''[She and all the cups pour boiling tea on the guy's head.]'' :''[Cut back to the castle where the attack continues. Meanwhile, Gaston has broken off from the Mob, and is searching out Beast. Belle, Maurice, Philippe and Chip are making their way to the castle. Finally, the invaders (a la Invaders storm in '''[[w:Willow (1988 film)|Willow]]''').]'' :'''Stove''': Roaaaar! :'''Tom, Stanley and LeFou''': '''AAAAAAAAH!!''' :'''LeFou''': Move, move, move, move! :''[They are chased out and the Objects celebrate their victory.]'' :'''Cogsworth''': And stay out! ''[Lumière pulls over Cogsworth and kisses him once on each cheek. Cogsworth shakes it off.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to Gaston, who finds Beast's lair. He raises his crossbow and takes aim. Beast looks up at him, then looks back down in sadness again. Gaston releases the arrow and it strikes Beast in the shoulder. He screams in pain and stands. Gaston rushes him and they fly out the window onto the balcony, where it has begun to rain.]'' :'''Gaston''': Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! ''[Gaston corners Beast on the edge of the roof. Beast simply sits there in despair.]'' Get up! Get up! What's the matter, Beast? Too kind and gentle to fight back? :''[Beast looks down ignoring him. Gaston walks into the foreground and breaks off a piece of the roof. He is about to smash it on Beast's head when Belle's voice drifts up. She is on the bridge and is yelling to Gaston, telling him to stop.]'' :'''Belle''': No! :'''Beast''': Belle. :'''Belle''': No, Gaston, don't! Let's go, Philippe. :'''Gaston''': ''[to Beast]'' <big>'''''COME ON, OUT AND FIGHT?!'''''</big> We're you in love with her, Beast? '''''DID YOU HONESTLY THINK SHE'D WANT YOU WHEN SHE HAD SOMEONE LIKE ME?!''''' :''[The Beast has been provoked enough. He emerges and they fight again]'' :'''Gaston''': It's over, Beast! '''''BELLE IS MINE!!''''' :''[The Beast and Gaston are fighting on top of the castle; the Beast strikes at him, grabs him and holds him over the edge]'' :'''Gaston''': ''[last words]'' Let me go, let me go! Please... don't hurt me! I'll do anything! '''''ANYTHING!!!!''''' :''[The Beast glares with fury, then his anger slowly melts as he realizes that Gaston's what he could've become. He pulls Gaston back in and close to his face]'' :'''Beast''': ''[in a calm, but tranquil fury manner]'' Get out. ''[shoves Gaston to the ground]'' :'''Belle''': ''[comes out on the balcony]'' Beast! :'''Beast''': Belle. ''[begins to climb the tower until he reaches the balcony. He hangs over the side]'' Belle? ''[they reached their hands as they reunite]'' You came back. :''[The Beast and Belle stare passionately at each other, but the moment is interrupted when Gaston sneaks up and stubs the Beast in the back with a knife. The Beast roars in pain and Gaston pulls the knife out and swings back for another shot. The Beast starts to fall, knocks over Gaston off his balances. Belle reaches forward and pulls the Beast back, while Gaston falls off into the castle moats to his deaths with a scream. Belle helps the injured Beast up onto the balcony, where he lies down on the floor. The servants come rushing out but stay out of sight. The Beast lays dying with Belle at his side; meanwhile, the rose is down to its last petal, weakly]'' :'''Beast''': You... You came back. :'''Belle''': Of course, I came back. I couldn't let them.... ''[hugs the Beast]'' Oh, this is all my fault. If only I'd gotten here sooner. :'''Beast''': Maybe it's better...it's better this way. :'''Belle''': Don't talk like that. You'll be all right. We're together now. Everything's going to be fine. You'll see. :'''Beast''': ''[last words; reaches up and touches Belle's cheek]'' At least...I got to see you...1 last time. ''[his paw falls and his eyes close as he dies]'' :'''Belle''': ''[gasps]'' No. No. Please. Please. Please don't leave me. ''[sobs]'' I love you. ''[The last petal falls away, leaving Cogsworth, Lumière, and Mrs. Potts distraught; suddenly, a magical shower falls around the Beast and Belle, and the Beast rises into the air, turning into a human prince Adam, whose name was Prince Adam; then, he lands on the ground and when he gets up, he turns toward Belle]'' :'''Prince Adam''': Belle... it's me. :'''Belle''': ''[looks into his eyes and recognizes him from the portrait]'' It ''is'' you! :''[They kiss, a fireworks display explodes around them. The gloom surrounding, the castle disappears, revealing a blue sky]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; The castle is transformed, with the gargoyles changing into cherubs. Finally, we return to the balcony, where the servants hop out to meet Prince Adam and Belle. One by one, they are transformed back to their original human conditions]'' :'''Prince Adam''': Lumiere! Cogsworth! Oh, Mrs. Potts! Look at us! ''[Chip comes riding in on Footstool]'' :'''Chip''': Mama! Mama! ''[The pair transforms back into a boy and dog]'' :'''Mrs. Potts''': ''[Picking up her boy]'' Oh, my goodness! :'''Lumière''': It is a miracle! :'''Belle''': How wonderful! ''[Prince Adam picks up Belle and swings her around. The ruffles of her skirt wipe to the ballroom, where all are gathered to celebrate, Prince Adam and Belle dance around the room as the rest at the characters]'' :'''Lumière''': Ah, l'amour. ''[Lumière says this, and a maid, obviously the former Featherduster walks by, brushing him on the chin; chuckles, starts to chase after her, but Cogsworth stops him]'' :'''Cogsworth''': Well, Lumiere, old friend. Shall we let bygones be bygones? :'''Lumière''': Of course, mon ami. I told you she would break the spell. :'''Cogsworth''': I beg your pardon, old friend, but I believe I told you. :'''Lumière''': No, you didn't. I told you. :'''Cogsworth''': You most certainly did not, you pompous paraffin-headed pea-brain! :'''Lumière''': En garde, you overgrown pocket watch! ''[Lumière takes off his glove and slaps Cogsworth across the face with it. They begin to fight. Cut to Belle and Prince Adam who continue to dance around the floor. The camera stops on Mrs. Potts, Chip and Maurice, who is beginning to crying]'' :'''Chip''': Are they going to live happily ever after, Mama? :'''Mrs. Potts''': Of course, my dear. Of course. :'''Chip''': ''[tiny pauses]'' Do I still have to sleep in the cupboard? ''[Maurice laughs and Mrs. Potts hugs her child and laughs. Cut to a camera looking over the entire ballroom with all in the shot. It slowly zooms out with Belle and Prince Adam dancing around the room, and fades into the final stained glass window, this one with Belle and Prince Adam in the center, surrounded by the rest of the characters]'' :'''Chorus''': Certain as the sun / Rising in the east / Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast!| Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast! ===Special Edition Release=== :'''Cogsworth''': Right then! You all know why we're here. We have exactly 12 hours, 36 minutes, and 15 seconds to create the most magical, spontaneous, romantic atmosphere known to man or beast. ''[Chuckles weakly]'' "Or beast.." Right. Need I remind you that if the last petal falls from this rose, the spell will never be broken! Very well. You all know your assignments. Half of you to the West Wing, half of you to the East Wing, the rest of you, come with me. :'''Lumière''': Hoho, lighten up Cogsworth, and let nature take its course. :'''Mrs. Potts''': It's obvious there's a spark between them. :'''Cogsworth''': Yes yes yes... But there's no harm in fanning the flames. You know, a little. Besides, they must fall in love tonight if we ever expect to be human again. :'''Lumière''': Aaah...human again... :'''Mrs. Potts''': Human again... :'''Lumière''': Yes, think what that means... ''[singing]'' I'll be cooking again, be good-looking again, With a mademoiselle on each arm / When I'm human again, only human again / Poised and polish and gleaming with charm / I'll be courting again, chic and sporting again :'''Mrs. Potts''': Which should cause several husbands alarm :'''Lumière''': ''(Ha, ha!)'' I'll hop down off this shelf, and tout de suite be myself, :'''Lumière, Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth''': I can't wait to be human again :'''Essentials''': When we're human again, only human again / When we're knickknacks and whatnots no more / When we're human again, good and human again :'''Wardrobe''': O, chérie, won't it all be top drawer? I'll wear lipstick and rouge / And I won't be so huge / Why, I'll easily fit through that door / I'll exude savoir faire / I'll wear gowns, I'll have hair / It's my prayer to be human again :'''Mrs. Potts and Cogsworth''': When we're human again, only human again / When the world once more starts making sense :'''Cogsworth''': I'll unwind, for a change :'''Lumière''': Really? That'd be strange :'''Cogsworth''': Can I help it if I'm t-t-tense? In a shack by the sea, I'll sit back, sipping tea Let my early retirement commence Far from fools made of wax, I'll get down to brass tacks and real-A-A-A-x! :'''Chorus''': When I'm human again! So sweep the dust from the floor / Let's let some light in the room / I can feel, I can tell someone might break the spell any day now / Shine up the brass on the door / Alert the dust pail and broom / If it all goes as planned our time may be at hand any day now :'''Fifi and the maids''': Open the shutters and let in some air :'''Mrs. Potts''': Put these here and put those over there :'''Chorus''': Sweep up the years, the sadness and tears and throw them away / We'll be human again, only human again / When the girl finally sets us all free / Cheeks a-blooming again, we're assuming again / We'll resume our long-lost joie de vivre / We'll be playing again, holidaying again / And we're praying it's ASAP / Little push, little shove / They could both fall in love / And we'll finally be human again... :''[Transition to the library]'' :'''Belle''': "...For there never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo." :'''Beast''': Could you read it again? :'''Belle''': Well, here. Why don't you read it to me? :'''Beast''': Uhhh...Alright. Hmm...I-I can't. :'''Belle''': You mean you never learned? :'''Beast''': I learned, a little. It's just been so long. :'''Belle''': Well here, I'll help you. Let's start...here. :'''Beast''': Here, twoe...? :'''Belle''': Two. :'''Beast''': Two, I knew that. Two households, both alike in dignity... :''[sung]'' :'''Chorus''': We'll be dancing again, we'll be twirling again / We'll whirling around with such ease / When we're human again, only human again / We'll go waltzing those old one-two-threes / We'll be floating again, we'll be gliding again /Stepping, striding, as fine as you please / Like a real human does, I'll be all that I was / On that glorious morn, when we're finally re-born / And we're all of us human again! ==CELINE DION & PEABO BRYSON lyrics (Beauty and the Beast)== :'''Celine Dion''': Ooh, ooh / Tale as old as time / True as it can be / Barely even friends / Then somebody bends / Unexpectedly :'''Peabo Bryson''': Just a little change / Small, to say the least / Both a little scared / Neither one prepared :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Beauty and the beast / Ever just the same / Ever a surprise / Ever as before / Ever just as sure / As the sun will rise :'''Peabo Bryson''': Whoa, whoa-oh, whoa, oh :'''Celine Dion''': Ohh, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Ever just the same :'''Peabo Bryson''': Yeah / Ever a surprise :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Ever as before :'''Celine Dion''': Ever just as sure :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': As the sun will rise :'''Peabo Bryson''': Oh, oh, oh :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Peabo Bryson''': Ooh-ooh, ohh-ooh :'''Celine Dion''': Tune as old as song :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Bittersweet and strange / Finding you can change / Learning you were wrong :'''Peabo Bryson''': Certain as the sun :'''Celine Dion''': Certain as the sun :'''Peabo Bryson''': Rising in the east :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Song as old as rhyme / Beauty and the beast :'''Celine Dion''': Tale as old as time :'''Peabo Bryson''': Song as old as rhyme :'''Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson''': Beauty and the beast :'''Peabo Bryson''': Oh Oh, whoa-oh :'''Celine Dion''': Ooh / Beauty and the beast == About ''Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)'' == * Well, originally when we were planning the big elaborate dance sequence that would include a moving camera craning up to the ceiling on the characters that would really have more of a live action feel to them—there was always this nagging doubt in our minds that it wasn't going to work at all (laughs). We had sort of a back-up plan just in case, if none of this works we'll just turn off all the lights and Bella and the Beast will be dancing in a little spotlight in a darkened room like an ice skating show (laughs). Fortunately, when we got the first piece of test film back, it was amazingly breathtaking, made a big sigh of relief because we knew it was going to work. * We actually designed all the camera movement first and animated the characters to match that. * We created computer generated stand-ins, the ballroom was sort of a chicken-wire kind of thing and Bella & the Beast were represented by these box and egg sort of things. * You have to make all the same decisions that a live action director would have to make. Everything from where to put the camera to what the emotional tone of the scene is going to be, in addition to answering all the questions about costume design and weather and color and all the numerous elements that go into making the scene. We're there every step of the way from the very first crude character designs and early storyboards to how loud the footsteps of the Beast should be as he's walking across the marble floor. We shepherd the process from beginning to end. ** [[w:Kirk Wise|Kirk Wise]] [http://www.bigmoviezone.com/articles/index.html?uniq=84] == Cast (voices) == * [[w:Paige O'Hara|Paige O'Hara]] – B. la Belle the Beauty * [[w:Rex Everhart|Rex Everhart]] – Maurice * [[w:Robby Benson|Robby Benson]] – Master B. le Bête the Beast/Prince Adam * [[w:Richard White (actor)|Richard White]] – Gaston * [[w:Jerry Orbach|Jerry Orbach]] – Monsieur Lumière the Candelabra * [[w:David Ogden Stiers|David Ogden Stiers]] – Narrator, Sir Cogsworth the Clock * [[w:Angela Lansbury|Angela Lansbury]] – Mrs. Potts the Teapot * [[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] – Claudette Bimbette, Laurette Bimbette * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] – Paulette Bimbette * [[w:Jesse Corti|Jesse Corti]] – Monsieur LeFou * [[w:Bradley Pierce|Bradley Pierce]] – Chip Potts the Teacup * [[w:Kimmy Robertson|Kimmy Robertson]] – Fifi Plumette Featherduster * [[w:Hal Smith|Hal Smith]] – Philippe B. the Horse * [[w:Jack Angel|Jack Angel]] – Tavern Man, Tom * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] – Dick * [[w:Bill Farmer|Bill Farmer]] – Stanley * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Patrick Pinney]] – Walter * Mickie McGowan – French Peasant Woman * Carole Jeghers – Woman holding the baby == External links == {{wikipedia|Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0101414|title=Beauty and the Beast}} {{Disney's Beauty and the Beast}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Beauty and the Beast (franchise)]] [[Category:1991 animated films]] [[Category:1991 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's films]] [[Category:Gary Trousdale films]] [[Category:Kirk Wise films]] [[Category:Screenplays by Joe Ranft]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Disney Princess films]] [[Category:Animated films about father–daughter relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about shapeshifting]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Best Original Score Academy Award winners]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] dc63yaadyxb9ga4jl3n9kdekcgrieq3 0 12787 3944510 3930203 2026-05-23T15:23:50Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944510 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:San Diego Comic-Con 2014 - Hades (14771590345).jpg|thumb|How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh?! Is this an audience or a mosaic?]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It tells the story about the adventures of Hercules, the son of Zeus in Greek mythology. :''Directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]]. Written by Ron Clements, John Musker, Donald McEnery, Bob Shaw and [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]]. Songs by [[w:Alan Menken|Alan Menken]] and [[w:David Zippel|David Zippel]]. Score Produced by Alan Menken and includes "[[w:Go the Distance|Go the Distance]]" Written by Alan Menken and David Zippel, and performed by [[w:Michael Bolton|Michael Bolton]].'' {{center|'''A Comedy of Olympian Proportions'''}} == Hercules == * ''[to Zeus]'' But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm...I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm...I'm an action figure! * A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? * Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay...And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing? Man! I thought I had problems. * ''[after Meg is revived]'' People always do crazy things... when they are in love. == Meg == * Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.' * Thanks, Herc. It's been a real slice. * ''[rushing into Thebes, crying out]'' Please. Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident! * ''[Hercules walks to the Cyclops]'' What are you doing? Without your strength you'll be killed. * People always do crazy things... when they're in love. * You're really choked up about this, aren't you? * ''[to Hades]'' Then read my lips. Forget it. == Hades == * How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of ''moussaka'' caught in my throat. Huh? Is this an audience or a mosaic? * Love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, '''''Zeus.''''' * Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting. * I’m about to rearrange the cosmos and the one SCHLEMIEL who can louse it up is waltzing around <big>'''IN THE WOODS'''</big>! * Let’s get ready to <big>'''RUMBLE!'''</big> * My favorite part of the game: Sudden death. * Game. Set. Match. * I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I’ve been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and you are wearing <big>'''HIS... ''MERCHANDISE?!'''''</big> * He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse. Okay? * Meg, Meg Meg. My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but-ever-so-crucial, little, tiny detail? '''I OWN YOU'''! * We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What d’ya say? Come on. * Ba-boom! Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doin'? * Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and KICK some Olympian BUTT! ''[Pegasus blows out his flaming hair]'' Whoa, is my hair out? * Uh, guys. Olympus would be that way. * Zeusy, I'm home! * ''[repeated scream]'' <big>'''''GAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!'''''</big> * Thanks a ton, Wonderboy! But at least I've got one swell consolation prize, a friend of yours who's dying to see me. * This is... This is impossible! You, you, you can't be alive! You'd have to be a, a... (Pain and Panic: A god?) Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- ''[Hercules punches Hades]'' Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... ''[Hercules punches him into the river of death] <big>'''GAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!'''</big> [souls go to grab him]'' Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! Ooh, ah— (Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there!; Pain: You mean, ''if'' he gets outta there!) Taxi! '''TAXI!''' (Panic: If. If is good.) I don't feel so good. I—I'm feeling a little... <big>'''''FLUSHED!'''''</big> * ''[last lines, as the film closes]'' What do you say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste of something but me. I've got nothing. I'm here with nothing. Anybody listening?! It's like I'm- what am I? An echo or something? Hello! Hello! Am I talking to what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens. == Phil == * I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. ''[Looking at a statue of a soldier in armor]'' And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! ''[pause]'' <big>'''BUT THAT FURSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS!'''</big> He barely gets nicked there once and kaboom. He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right...Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. * One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. * ''[after being called a goat-man]'' Watch it, pal. * You... I got your heel <big>'''RIGHT HERE!'''</big> ''[tackles Tall Thebian with his head, throws punches]'' I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You- ''[bites Tall Thebian's butt]'' * ''[as Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off] '''<big>WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!</big>''''' * ''[after Hercules defeats the Hydra] '''<big>YA DID IT, KID! YA DID IT, YOU WON BY A LANDSLIDE!</big>''''' * ''[about Meg] '''<big>SHE'S A FRAUD!</big>''''' She's been playing you for a sap! * No, no, no, no, no, kid, giving up is for rookies. I came back because I'm not quitting on ya. I'm willing to go the distance. How about you? == Zeus == * You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death. HA! Work yourself to death! * Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth. * Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored. * I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero. * <big>'''''SOUND THE ALARM! LAUNCH AN IMMEDIATE COUNTERATTACK! GO, GO!'''''</big> * For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home. ==The Narrator and the Muses== :'''The Narrator''': ''[First lines]'' Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story- :'''Thalia''': Would you listen to him? He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy. :'''Terpsichore''': Lighten up, dude. :'''Calliope''': We'll take it from here, darling. :'''Narrator''': You go, girl. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calliope''': If there is one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades. :'''Terpsichore''': 'Cause he had an evil plan. :'''Thalia''': ''[singing]'' He ran the underworld, <br /> But thought the dead were dull and uncouth <br /> He was as mean as he was ruthless <br /> And that's the gospel truth <br /> He had a plan to shake things up <br /> And that's the gospel truth!<!-- Gospel Truth II: Hades in the Underworld --> <hr width="50%"/> :<p>'''Melpomene''': ''[singing]'' Young Herc was mortal now <br /> But since he did not drink the last drop, <br /> He still retained his godlike strength, <br /> So thank his lucky star</p><p>But Zeus and Hera wept <br /> Because their son could never come home, <br /> They'd have to watch their precious baby <br /> Grow up from afar</p><p> Though, Hades' horrid plan <br /> Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth <br /> The boy grew stronger ev'ry day <br /> And that's the gospel truth</p><!-- Gospel Truth III --> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thalia''': ''[singing about Hercules' fame and success]'' And they slapped his face on ev'ry vase. :'''Clio''': On ev'ry ''"vah-se."'' == Dialogue == :''[The camera opens in on a museum hallway featuring Greek statues and vases.]'' :'''Narrator''': Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. ''[A Greek vase is shown with a picture of Hercules fighting a monster lion. Vase zooms in slowly]'' But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is- :'''Thalia''': Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some greek tragedy. :'''Terpsichore''': Lighten up, dude. :'''Calliope''': We'll take it from here, darling. :'''Narrator''': You go, girl. :'''Calliope''': We are the Muses. Goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes. :'''Terpsichore''': Heroes like Hercules! :'''Thalia''': Honey, you mean "hunk-ules". Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him- :''[Muses start humming]'' :'''Calliope''': Our story actually begins long before Hercules, many eons ago.. ''[scene changes colors and the Muses start walking and singing]'' Back when the world was new, The planet Earth was down on its luck. And everywhere gigantic brutes, Called Titans ran amok! :'''Thalia''': It was a nasty place! There was a mess wherever you stepped. :'''Calliope''': Where chaos reigned and earthquakes, and volcanoes never slept! :'''Thalia''': Woo! Say it, girlfriend! :'''Muses''': And then along came Zeus! :'''Calliope''': He hurled his thunderbolt, :'''Muses''': He zapped! :'''Thalia''': Locked those suckers in a vault! :'''Muses''': They're trapped! And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks. And that's the gospel truth! The guy was too type A to just relax. :'''Terpsichore''': And that's the world's first dish. :'''Thalia''': yeah, baby! :'''Melpomene''': Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth. :'''Muses''': Though, honey, it may seem impossible- That's the gospel truth! On Mount Olympus life was neat and smooth as sweet vermouth. Though, honey, it may seem impossible- That's the gospel truth! :''[schematic picture of Olympus zooms in and turns into a real one. While the Muses still repeat their "ah's and yeah's", camera moves up the mountain slope. While it does, the movie title, HERCULES, is shown.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Mount Olympus; Zeus and the other gods to watching Hera holding baby Hercules. He is giggling]'' :'''Hera''': Hercules. Behave yourself. :'''Zeus''': Oh, look at this. Look how cute he is. ''[He blubbers at Hercules]''Hah. Oh, he's strong. Like his Dad, hmm. :'''Hermes''': Whoa. Excuse me. Hot stuff coming through. Excuse me. One side, Ares. :'''Hera''': Why, Hermes-they're lovely. :'''Hermes''': Yes, you know I had Orpheus do the arrangement, isn't that too nutty? Famous feast, you know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself. :'''Hera''': Dear, keep these away from the baby. :'''Zeus''': He won't hurt himself. Let the kid have a little fun. On behalf of my son, I'd like to thank you all for your wonderful gifts. :'''Hera''': What about our gift, dear? :'''Zeus''': Well, let's see here...we'll take, huh, yes, a little cirrus, and, uh, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus and a dash of cumulus. His name is Pegasus and he's all yours, son. :'''Hera''': Mind his head. :'''Zeus''': He's so tiny. My boy. My little Hercules. ''[He tucks Hercules in, kissing him]'' :'''Hades''': How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of ''moussaka'' caught in my throat. Huh? Is this an audience or a mosaic? Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress. :'''Zeus''': So Hades. You finally made it. How's things in the underworld? :'''Hades''': Ah, well, it's just fine. Y'know, little dark, little gloom, and there's always hey, Full of dead people, whaddya gonna do?" Ah, There's the little sunspot, little smootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh? Here you go. Ya just- ''[Hercules squeezes Hades' finger, causing Hades to pull away in pain]'' Sheesh. Powerful little tyke. :'''Zeus''': Come on, Hades. Don't be such a stiff, join the celebration. :'''Hades''': Hey, love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, '''''Zeus.''''' So... can't. Love to, but can't. :'''Zeus''': You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death... HA! Work yourself to death! ''[he and the other gods laugh]'' Oh, I kill myself! :'''Hades''': If only, if only... :''[Scene changes back to the Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': If there's one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades, :'''Terpsichore''': 'cause he had an evil plan :''[The scene changes to a boat on the River Styx, in which a skeleton is carrying Hades. Two souls lean up from the lake bed to grab Hades, who zaps them away and blows the smoke off his finger like a pistol.]'' :'''Thalia''': ''[singing]'' He ran the Underworld, but thought the dead were dull and uncouth. He was as mean as ruthless- And that's the gospel truth. :''[A pair of skeletal gates open, and Cerberus' heads snarl and snap their jaws viciously. Hades throws them a piece of steak for the dogs to eat, which the dogs fight over as the boat continues its journey down the river.]'' He had a plan to shake things up- And that's the gospel truth! :''[Hades arrives home in Underworld]'' :'''Hades''': <big>'''''PAIN!'''''</big> :'''Pain''': ''[running down stairs]'' Coming, your most lugubriousness. ''[trips and bounces down the stairs, lands on spike claw, screams]'' :'''Hades''': <big>'''''PANIC!'''''</big> :'''Panic''': Oh! I'm sorry. I can handle it! :''[Pain pulls himself off the spike claw, Panic trip flies into the air and accidentally lands his ears on Pain, causing him to scream in pain]'' :'''Pain''': Pain! Oh. :'''Panic''': And Panic. :'''Pain and Panic''': Reporting for duty. :'''Hades''': Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive. :'''Panic''': Oh. They're here. :'''Hades''': WHAT!? The Fates are here, and you didn't TELL ME!? :'''Pain and Panic''': ''[both turn into worms] '''We are worms! Worthless worms!''''' :'''Hades''': Memo to me. Maim you after my meeting. :''[The scene changes to show the cavern where the three Fates are waiting]'' :'''Atropos''': Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight. ''[She cuts a thread with scissors and a woman scream is heard]'' :'''Lachesis''': Incoming! :''[The Fates laugh as a soul enters the cave and flies into a tunnel. The counter above the tunnel now says "Over 5000000000 Served", the number suddenly changes to "5000000001"]'' :'''Hades''': Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm- :'''Fates''': ''[all at once]'' Late. :'''Lachesis''': We knew you would be. :'''Clotho''': We know everything! :'''Lachesis''': Past. :'''Clotho''': Present. :'''Atropos''': And future. ''[to Panic]'' Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big. :'''Hades''': Great. Great. Anyway, see, Ladies, I was at this party, and I lost track of— :'''Fates''': We know. :'''Hades''': Yeah. I know you know. So, here's the deal. Zeus, Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". Now, he has— :'''Fates''': A bouncing baby brat. :'''Clotho''': We know! :'''Hades''': '''''<big>I KNOW!</big>''''' You know. I know. I got it. I got the concept. So, let me just ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what? What do you think? :'''Clotho''': ''[to Lachesis]'' Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the future. :'''Hades''': Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out. Can I? Can I ask you a question, by the way? Did you cut your hair of something? You look fabulous. I mean, you look like a fate worse then death. :''[Clotho hits Lachesis on the head, making the eye fall out into the hands of Panic]'' :'''Panic''': Oh, gross! :'''Pain''': Yech! It's blinkin'! ''[He kicks it into Hades' hand, who pulls off a hair from the eye]'' :'''Hades''': Ladies, please, my fate is in your lovely hands. :'''Clotho''': All right. :'''Lachesis''': In 18 years precisely, The planets will align ever so nicely. :'''Hades''': Ay, verse. Oy. :'''Lachesis''': The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band. :'''Hades''': Mmm-hmm. Good, good. :'''Clotho''': Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all! :'''Hades''': '''''<big>YES! HADES RULES!</big>''''' :'''Atropos''': A word of caution to this tale... :'''Hades''': Excuse me? :'''Atropos''': Should Hercules fight, you will fail. :''[The Fates laugh, then disappear]'' :'''Hades''': '''''<big>WHAT?!</big>''''' Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god? :'''Pain''': I do not... know. :'''Panic''': You can't. They're immortal. :'''Hades''': Bingo, they're immortal. So, first you got to turn the little sunspot... mortal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Pain and Panic kidnap Hercules, Zeus and Hera are woken up by the commotion.]'' :'''Zeus''': Huh? :'''Hera''': What? What is it? :'''Zeus and Hera''': The baby! :''[They run to the cradle and find out that Hercules was kidnapped.]'' :'''Hera''': Hercules! ''[starts sobbing]'' :'''Zeus''': '''''<big>NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!</big>''''' :'''Panic''': Now, we did it! Zeus is gonna use us for target practice. :'''Pain''': Just hang onto the kid. :'''Panic''': Hurry. Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay? :'''Pain''': Here you go, kid. A little Grecian formula. :'''Panic''': Look at that! He's changing. Can we do it now? :'''Pain''': No, no, no, he has to drink the whole potion. Every last drop. :'''Amphitryon''': ''[offscreen]'' Who's there? ''[Pain and Panic run away, dropping the empty vial. It breaks and one last drop falls into the ground]'' Alcmene, over here. :'''Alcmene''': Oh, you poor thing. Oh, don't cry. :'''Amphitryon''': Is anybody there? :'''Panic''': Now? :'''Pain''': Now. ''[Their shadows are shown as they walk and transform into snakes]'' :'''Amphitryon''': He must have been abandoned. :'''Alcmene''': For so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us with a child. ''[Amphitryon reads Hercules' name from a medallion on his neck]'' Perhaps, they've answered our prayers. :'''Amphitryon''': Perhaps they have... Hercules? :''[Pain and Panic, as snakes, attack, but Baby Hercules catches them, and giggling happily, hits them several times against the ground, ties into a knot and sends them flying]'' :'''Panic''': Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened. :'''Pain''': You mean, ''if'' he finds out. :'''Panic''': Of course he's gonna... If. If is good. <hr width"50%"/> :''[Pan to Mount Olympus in dark clouds and then resolve to the Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': It was tragic. Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search. :'''Terpsichore''': But by the time they found the baby, it was too late. :'''Melepomene''': Young Herc was mortal now, But since he did not drink the last drop. He still retained his godlike strength- So thank his lucky star! But Zeus and Hera wept, Because their son could never come home. They'd have to watch their precious baby, Grow up from afar. Though Hades' horrid plan, Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth, The boy grew stronger every day, And that's the gospel truth! :'''Muses''': The gospel truth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Resolve to country with sheeps baaing. A carriage with a lot of hay moves along the road unnaturally fast, then we see Amphitryon and his mule sitting before it]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, slow down! Look out! :''[Workers jump out of the way]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Oops! S-s-sorry guys! :'''Worker 1''': Hey, watch where you're goin'! :'''Worker 2''': Sunday driver! :'''Young Hercules''': ''[enters the middle of the square and stops]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Thanks, son. When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there, I thought we were done for. :'''Young Hercules''': ''[picks up the haystack]'' No problem, Pop. :'''Amphitryon''': Uh, don't-don't-don't unload just yet. First I have to finagle with Phideas. :'''Hercules''': Okay. ''[drops the hay on the cart which makes Penelope fly up into the sky]'' Oops, sorry, Penelope. :'''Amphitryon''': Now, Hercules, this time, please just— :'''Young Hercules''': I know, I know. ''[catches Penelope]'' Stay by the cart. :'''Amphitryon''': That's my boy. :'''Young Hercules''': ''[stays until he sees a man losing balance with a big clay pot]'' :'''Demetrius''': Oh, my goodness. Whoa! :'''Young Hercules''': ''[catches him just in time]'' Careful! :'''Demetrius''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Why, thank you. :'''Young Hercules''': No problem. :'''Demetrius''': Why, Hercules. It's you. :'''Young Hercules''': Let me, let me help you with that. :'''Demetrius''': No, no, no, no, no, I got it. I'm fine, you just run along. :'''Young Hercules''': You sure? :'''Demetrius''': Oh, yes. Absolutely. :''[A frisbee falls to his feet]'' :'''Ithicles''': Yo! Give it here! ''[gasps]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Hey, you need an extra guy? :'''Ithicles''': Uh.. sorry, Herc. We already got... 5. And we want to keep it an even number. :'''Young Hercules''': Hey, wait a second. Five isn't an even— :'''Ithicles''': See ya, Herc. :'''Teenage boy''': What a geek! :'''Teenage boy 2''': Destructo boy. :'''Ithicles''': Maybe we should call him "Jerkules". :'''Teenage boys''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Ithicles''': Heads up! :'''Young Hercules''': I-I got it! ''[hits a pillar, which starts falling]'' Uh-oh.. Oh no!.. It's okay.. ''[the pillar starts falling one by one, like domino. He sees that and accidentally throws the pillar he was holding away, but it hits another standing pillar and another domino wave starts going around the square]'' Hey! Whoa! :'''Amphitryon''': Son! :'''Young Hercules''': Hang on, Pop! Be right back! :''[The two domino waves seem to be aiming at the shop with clay pots]'' :'''Demetrius''': Oh my! Oh no! Don't! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! :''[The last two pillars stop above the man's head]'' :'''Demetrius''': ''[sighs]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[running to save him, slips and slides to him fast]'' Watch out! :'''Demetrius''': ''[screaming]'' :''[The town square is now destroyed]'' :'''Ithicles''': Nice catch, Jerkules. :'''Amphitryon''': Son- :'''Demetrius''': This is the last straw, Amphitryon! :'''Woman''': That boy is a menace! :'''Man''': He's too dangerous to be around normal people! :'''Townsfolk''': ''[agree]'' :'''Amphitryon''': He didn't mean any harm, he's just a kid. He just can't control his strength. :'''Demetrius''': I am warning you. You keep that-that-that... freak away from here! :'''Teenage boy''': Freak! Yeah, go away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a grassy hillside, Hercules and Amphitryon sit alone.]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Son, you shouldn't let those things they said back there get to you. :'''Younng Hercules''': But Pop, they're right. I-I am a freak. I try to fit in, I really do. I just can't. Sometimes.. I feel like, like I really don't belong here. Like I'm supposed to be.. someplace else. :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, son— :'''Young Hercules''': I know it doesn't make any sense. :''Young Hercules''': ''[Hercules walk away and sings]'' I have often dreamed of a far off place, where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face, and a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be. I will find my way I can go the distance. I'll be there someday. If I can be strong, I know every mile, will be worth my while, I would go most anywhere to feel like I...belong. :''[He returns home]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, there's something your mother and I have been meaning to tell ya. :''[inside the house]'' :'''Young Hercules'''': But if you found me, then where did I come from? Why was I left here? :'''Alcmene''': This was around your neck when we found you. It's the symbol of the gods. :'''Young Hercules''': This is it! Don't you see? Maybe they have the answers! I'll go to the temple of Zeus and-- Ma, Pop, you're the greatest parents anyone could have, but.. I-I gotta know. :''[Next morning, Hercules walks to the Temple and sings]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[singing]'' I am on my way, I can go the distance. I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong, I know every mile, will be worth my while, I would go most everywhere to find where I...belong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules enters the Temple of Zeus]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Oh mighty Zeus, please, hear me and answer my prayer. I need to know: Who am I? Wh-where do I belong? ''[wind blows, lightning hits the statue of Zeus, flame ignites in braziers and the statue of Zeus comes to life]'' :'''Zeus''': My boy. My little Hercules. ''[Hercules screams]'' Hey, hold on kiddo. What's your hurry? After all these years is this a kind of hello to give your father? :'''Young Hercules''': Father? :'''Zeus''': Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? '''''SURPRISE!''''' Look how you've grown. Why you've got your mother's beautiful eyes and my strong chin. :'''Young Hercules''': I-I don't understand. If you are my father, that would make me a— :'''Zeus''': A god. :'''Young Hercules''': A god. A god! :'''Zeus''': Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth. :'''Young Hercules''': But why did you leave me on earth? Didn't you want me? :'''Zeus''': Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts. But someone stole you from us and turned you mortal, and only gods can live on Mount Olympus. :'''Young Hercules''': And you can't do a thing? :'''Zeus''': I can't, Hercules, but you can. :'''Young Hercules''': R-really? W-what? I-I'll do anything. :'''Zeus''': Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored. :'''Young Hercules''': A true hero. Great. Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? :'''Zeus''': First, you must seek out Philoctetes, the trainer of heroes. :'''Young Hercules''': Seek out Philoctetes. Right. I'll-- ''[he falls off Zeus' palm]'' Whoa! :'''Zeus''': Whoa! Hold your horses! Which reminds me... ''[whistles and the Pegasus flies through an opening in the roof]'' Ha-ha! You probably don't remember Pegasus but you two go way back, son. :'''Young Hercules''': Oh, Pegasus. :'''Zeus''': He is a magnificent horse. With the brain of a bird. :'''Young Hercules''': I'll find Philoctetes and become a true hero. :'''Zeus''': That's the spirit. :'''Young Hercules''': I won't let you down, father. Yee-haw! :'''Zeus''': Good luck, son. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules flies away, singing]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[singing]'' I will beat the odds, I can go the distance! I will face the world, fearless, proud and strong! I will please the gods, I can go the distance, till I find my hero's welcome right... where... I... belong! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Isle of Philoctetes]'' :'''Young Hercules''': You sure this is the right place? ''[Hercules sees three nymphs laughing in the trees, then sees a goat's behind sticking from the bushes.]'' What's the matter, little guy? You stuck? :'''Phil''': Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy! :'''Young Hercules''': Ugh! :'''Phil''': Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back, come back, come back. Whoa, whoa-- ''[the nymph he gets hold on turns into flowers]''  oh, geez! Whait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[another nymph turns into a tree]'' Oh, nymphs! They can't keep their hands off me. :'''Nymph''': Hey! :'''Phil''': ''[to Hercules]'' What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before? :'''Young Hercules''': Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes. :'''Phil''': Call me Phil. :'''Young Hercules''': ''[squeezes his hand]'' Phil! :'''Phil''': Ow! :'''Young Hercules''': Boy, am I glad to meet you! I'm Hercules. This is Pegasus. :''[Pegasus licks Phil]'' :'''Phil''': Animals!. Disgusting! :'''Young Hercules''': I need your help. I want to become a hero. A true hero. :'''Phil''': Sorry, kid, can't help ya. :'''Young Hercules''': Wait! ''[He pulls the door Phil closed before him and raises it in the air with one hand]'' :'''Phil''': Whoo! :'''Young Hercules''': Uh, sorry. Why not? :'''Phil''': Two words: I am retired. :''[Hercules counts on fingers]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Look, I gotta do this. Haven't you ever had a dream, something you wanted so bad you'd do anything? :'''Phil''': ''[sighs]'': Kid, come inside, I want to show you something. :''[Inside, Hercules hits his head against a wooden mast.]'' :'''Phil''': Watch it! That was part of the mast of the Argo. :'''Young Hercules''': The Argo? :'''Phil''': Yeah. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra? ''[He shows Hercules a row of helmets.]'' I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus." And every single one of those bums let me down. Flatter then a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all - the build, the foot speed. He could jab, he could take a hit, he could keep on coming. But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once and - kaboom!  He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I was gonna train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars... All across the sky, and people would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Eh, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. :'''Young Hercules''': But I am different than those other guys, Phil! I can go the distance. Come on, I'll show you. :'''Phil''': ''[grunts]'' Geez, you don't give up, do ya? :'''Young Hercules''': Watch this. ''[He raises something big which looks like a UFO and sends it flying away.]'' :'''Phil''': Holy Hera.. You know maybe if I-- No! Snap  out of it! I am too old to get mixed up in this stuff again. :'''Young Hercules''': But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father, Zeus. :'''Phil''': Hold it! Zeus is your father, right? :'''Young Hercules''': Uh-huh. :'''Phil''': ''[laughs]'' Zeus! The big guy. He's your daddy! Mr.  Lightning Bolts, read me a book, will ya.. da-da? Zeus! ''[mimics Zeus]''  Once upon a time— :'''Young Hercules''': It's the truth! :'''Phil''': Please! ''[singing]''  So you wanna be a hero, kid? well, whoop-de-do. I have been around the block before with blockheads just like you. Each and every one was disappointment. Pain for which there ain't no ointment. So much for excuses, though a kid of Zeus is, asking me to jump into the fray. ''[spoken]'' My answer is two words. ''[lightning hits Phil]''  Okay. :'''Young Hercules''': You mean you'll do it? :'''Phil''': You win. :'''Young Hercules''': You won't be sorry, Phil. :'''Phil''': Oh, gods. :'''Young Hercules''': So when do we start? Can we start now? :'''Phil''': Oy, vey. ''[singing]'': I'd given up hope that someone would come along. A fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong. The kind who wins trophies, won't settle for low fees, at least semi-pro fees, but no, I get the greenhorn! I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone. Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn. But you need an advisor, A satyr, but wiser, A good merchandiser and-- whoa! There goes my ulcer! I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you, 'though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true. I trained enough turkeys, who never came through! You're my only last hope, so you'll have to do. ''[spoken]'' Rule #6: When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care. ''[Hercules falls into water]'' No! Rule #95, kid: Concentrate! Rule #96: Aim! ''[singing]'' Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery. Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery. To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art. Like painting a masterpiece it's a work of heart. It takes more then sinew, comes down to what's in you. You have to continue, to grow! :''[Hercules is an adult now]'' :'''Phil''': ''[spoken]'' Now that's more like it! ''[singing]'' I'm down to one last shot and my last high note, before that blasted underworld gets my goat. My dreams are on you, kid. Go make 'em come true! Climb that uphill slope! Keep pushing that envelope! You're my one last hope. And, kids, it's up to you! Yeah! :'''Hercules''': Did you see that? Next stop, Olympus. :'''Phil''': All right, just take it easy, champ. :'''Hercules''': I am ready, I want to get off this island. I want to see battles and monsters! Rescue some damsels... You know, heroic stuff. :'''Phil''': Well— :'''Hercules''': Aw, come on, Phil! :'''Phil''': Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid. We're going to Thebes! :'''Hercules''': Yahoo! ''[now flying on Pegasus]'' So, what's in Thebes? :'''Phil''': A lot of problems. It's a big tough town, good place to start building a rep. ''[They hear a woman screaming.]'' Sounds like your basic D.I.D. - Damsel In Distress. :'''Hercules''': Hyah! ''[They land and see Meg chased by a monster centaur.]'' :'''Nessus''': Not so fast, sweetheart. :'''Meg''': I swear, Nessus. Put me down or I'll— :'''Nessus''': Whoo! I like 'em fiery! :''[In the bushes, Hercules gets angry, while Phil instructs.]'' :'''Phil''': Now remember, kid. First, analyze the situation. Don't just barrel in there without thinking. Eh? ''[Hercules already walks to Nessus and Megara anyway.]'' He's losin' points for this! :'''Meg''': You don't know what you're— :'''Hercules''': Halt! :''[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]'' :'''Nessus''': ''[looms over him]'' Step aside, two-legs. :'''Hercules''': Pardon me, my good, uh...sir, but I demand you release that young... :'''Meg''': Keep moving, junior. :'''Hercules''': ...lady. But you... aren't you... a damsel in distress? :'''Meg''': I'm a ''damsel''. I'm in ''distress.'' I can handle this. Have a nice day. :'''Hercules''': Uh-- *ahem* Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be too close to the situation to realize-- ''[he takes his sword out and Nessus immediately hits him so he flies away]'' :'''Phil''': Ohhh! What are you doin'? Get your sword! :'''Hercules''': ''[searching in water]'' Sword. Right, right.. Rule #15: A hero is only as good as his weapon! :''[He picks up a fish and directs it at Nessus. Nessus laugh and Megara looks bored. Nessus then hits Hercules with a fist and Hercules flies away again]'' :'''Phil''': ''[groans and tells to Pegasus who rushes to help]'' Whoa! Hold it! Hold on! He's gotta do it on his own. Come on, kid! Concentrate! Use your head! :'''Hercules''': Oh... ''[He surges forward and socks Nessus with his head. Nessus flies away]'' :'''Phil''': All right! Not bad, kid. Not exactly what I had in mind, but not bad. ''[Meg gets up from water and coughs]'' :'''Hercules''': Oh, gee, Miss, I'm I'm really sorry. :'''Meg''': Oh. :'''Hercules''': That was dumb. :'''Meg''': Yeah. ''[Nessus runs in again]'' :'''Hercules''': Excuse me. ''[He attacks Nessus, hits his head several times, and throws him]'' :'''Phil''': Nice work! Excellente! :'''Meg''': Is Wonderboy here for real? :'''Phil''': What are you talking about? Of course he's real... ''[notices Meg]'' Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks, I am real too. ''[Phil gets on Megara's lap, but she pushes him into water]'' :'''Meg''': Ugh. ''[meanwhile, Hercules ride on Nessus]'' :'''Hercules''': ''[like a cowboy]'' Yee-hah! Yahoo! ''[He finishes Nessus in a spectacular fight]'' How was that, Phil? :'''Phil''': Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathlons, but this is the big leagues! :'''Hercules''': ''[sighs]'' At least I beat him. Didn't I? :'''Phil''': Next time, don't let your guard down because of a pair of big goo-goo eyes! D-oh! It's like I keep tellin' ya. You gotta stay focused, and you-- ''[Hercules walks up to Meg]'' :'''Hercules''': Are you, uh, all right, Miss, uh— :'''Meg''': Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So, did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorials? :'''Hercules''': Uh, I'm, um, uh— :'''Meg''': Are you always that articulate? ''[she turns to leave]'' :'''Hercules''': Hercules. my-- *ahem* My name is Hercules. :'''Meg''': Hercules, huh? I think I prefer Wonderboy. :'''Hercules''': So, uh, how-how-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh— :'''Meg''': Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think that "no" means "yes" and "get lost" means "take me, I'm yours". Don't worry, Shorty here can explain it to ya later. ''[Phil growls]'' Well, thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice. :'''Hercules''': Wait! Um.. can we give you a ride? ''[Pegasus snorts, whinnies, and jumps to a high branch]'' :'''Meg''': Uh, I don't think your Pinto likes me very much. :'''Hercules''': Pegasus? Oh, no, don't be silly. He'd be more than happy to-- ow! ''[Pegasus drops an apple on Hercules' head]'' :'''Meg''': I'll be all right. I'm a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything. Bye-bye Wonderboy. :'''Hercules''': Bye... She's something, isn't she, Phil? :'''Phil''': Yeah, oh yeah, she's really something. A real pain in the patella! Earth to Herc! Come in, Herc! Come in, Herc! We got a job to do, remember? Thebes is still waitin'. :'''Hercules''': Yeah. Yeah. I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meg walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a gopher]'' :'''Meg''': Aw, how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park. :'''Pain''': ''[as a bunny]'' Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny. :'''Panic''': ''[as a gopher]'' And I'm his gopher. :'''Pain and Panic''': Ta-dah! ''[they turn into themselves]'' :'''Meg''': I thought I smelled a rat. :'''Hades''': Meg. :'''Meg''': Speak of the devil. :'''Hades''': Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river guardian-less. :'''Meg''': I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse. :'''Hades''': Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot. :'''Meg''': Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules. :'''Panic''': Hercules. Why does that name ring a bell? :'''Pain''': I dunno. Maybe we owe money? :'''Hades''': What… was that name… again? :'''Meg''': Hercules. He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute. :'''Pain''': Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to... :'''Pain and Panic''': '''''<big>OH MY GODS!!!</big>''''' :'''Pain''': Run for it! :'''Hades''': So you "took care of him", huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your '''''exact''''' words?! :'''Pain''': This might be a different Hercules. :'''Panic''': Yeah, I mean Hercules is a ''[Hades angrily chokes him]'' very popular name nowadays. :'''Pain''': Remember like a few years ago-every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney? :'''Hades''': I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one '''<big>SCHLEMIEL... WHO CAN LOUSE IT UP...IS WALTZING AROUND... ''IN THE WOODS!''</big>''' :''[Hades literally explodes with rage, burning down the entire forest. Meg ducks down from the incoming blaze, and he also starts panting]'' :'''Pain''': Wait. Wait, big guy. We can still cut in on his waltzing. :'''Panic''': That's right. And we made him mortal, that's a good thing. Didn't we? :'''Hades''': Hmm. Fortunately, for the three of you, we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no foul-ups. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile, Hercules and Phil are flying on Pegasus, as they reach the city of Thebes like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Hercules''': Wow! Is that all one town? :'''Phil''': One town. A million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The big olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. ''[They enter the city.]'' Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place. ''[They almost get hit by a passing carriage.]'' :'''Driver''': Look where you're goin' numbskull! :'''Phil''': Hey, I'm walkin' here! You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you- wackos. :'''Man''': Pita bread, pita bread, get your pita bread here! :'''Smuggler''': Hey, Mack. ''[he opens his coat at Phil and Hercules]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Smuggler''': You wanna buy a sundial? :'''Phil''': He's not interested, all right? Come on, kid. :'''Man''': The end is coming! Can't you feel it? :'''Phil''': Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes. We'll ponder that for a while. ''[to Hercules]'' Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts. That's because they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered. :''[At a fountain nearby, a group of people are discussing the city's problems.]'' :'''Lumpy Woman''': It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire :'''Burnt Man''': Everything except old Snowball here. ''[Snowball, a now black, and electrically shocked kitten cat, meows.]'' :'''Tall Thebian''': Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake? :'''Thin Woman''': They were after the earthquake, I remember. :'''Lumpy Woman''': But before the flood. :'''Old Man''': Don't even get me started on the crime rate. :'''Lumpy woman''': Thebes has certainly gone downfall in a hurry. :'''Old Man''': Tell me about it. It seems like every time I turn around there's some new monster wreaking havoc and I— :'''Burnt Man''': All we need now is a plague or locusts. :''[A locust hops in and cricket chirps, scaring everybody.]'' :'''Old Man''': That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta! :'''Hercules''': ''[arriving up to them]'' Excuse me. It, uh *ahem*, seems to me that what you folks need is a hero. :'''Tall Thebian''': ''[skeptically]'' Yeah, and who are you? :'''Hercules''': I'm Hercules, and, uh, I happen to be... a hero.  :''[crowd laughs]'' :'''Old Man''': Is that so? :'''Thin Woman''': A hero! :'''Old Man''': Have you ever saved a town before? :'''Hercules''': Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but I— :'''Tall Thebian''': Have you ever reversed a natural disaster? :'''Hercules''': Well, uh... no. :'''Tall Thebian''': Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser. This we need. :'''Thin Woman''': That's a laugh. :'''Phil''': Don't you pea brains get it?! This kid is the genuine article! :'''Burnt Man''': Hey, isn't that goat man who trained Achilles? :'''Phil''': Watch it, pal. :'''Tall Thebian''': Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot! :'''Phil''': You… I got your heel RIGHT HERE! I'll wipe that STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR FACE! '''''<big>YOU LARBUTT!</big>''''' :'''Hercules''': Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil! Phil. :'''Tall Thebian''': What are you crazy?! Sheesh. :'''Lumpy Woman''': Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur. :'''Hercules''': No, wait! Stop! How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance? :'''Phil''': You'll get your chance; you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster. :'''Meg''': Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident! :'''Hercules''': Meg? :'''Phil''': Speaking of disasters. :'''Meg''': Wonderboy! Hercules! Thank goodness! :'''Hercules''': Wha-What's wrong? :'''Meg''': Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge. There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide! They're trapped! :'''Hercules''': Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great! :'''Meg''': You are really choked up about this, aren't ya? :'''Hercules''': Come on! :'''Meg''': No, you don't understand. I have this terrible fear of '''HEIGHTS'''! :'''Phil''': I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo, I'm way behind ya. I've got a fur wedgie. :''[Hercules and Meg land, and Hercules dismounts from Pegasus.]'' :'''Hercules''': Are you okay? :'''Meg''': I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery. :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Help! I can't breathe! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' Hurry! :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Get us out! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' We're suffocating! Somebody call IX-I-I! :'''Hercules''': Easy, fellas, you'll be all right. :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' We can't last much longer! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' Get us out before we get crushed! :''[Hercules raises a huge boulder. Kids run out from under it and the crowd cheers lightly]'' :'''Hercules''': How you boys doin'? :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' We're okay now :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Jeepers, mister, you are really strong! :'''Hercules''': ''[still holding the stone]'' Well, try to be a little more careful next time, okay, kids? :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' We sure will! ''[they run away, up the slope and face Hades]'' :'''Hades''': A stirring performance, boys. I was really moved. :'''Panic''': "Jeepers, Mister" ? :'''Pain''': I was going for innocence. :'''Hades''': And, hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady. ''[looking at Meg]'' What a dish. What a doll. :'''Meg''': ''[quietly]'' Get outta there, you big lug, while you still can. :'''Hercules''': Phil, I did great. They even applauded, sort of. :''[Growling sound begins]'' :'''Phil''': Huh! I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause. :''[Hydra appears]'' :'''Hercules''': Ph-ph-ph-phil? What do you call that thing? :'''Phil''': TWO WORDS! AMSCRAY!! :'''Hades''': Let's get ready to rumble! :''[Hydra and Hercules start fighting]'' :'''Phil''': That's it. Dance around! Dance around! Watch the teeth. Watch the teeth. Keep going. Come on. Come on. Lead with your left. Lead with your left! You're other left!! :''[Finally Hercules slices the head of Hydra off. Crowd cheers.]'' :'''Phil''': All right! All right! You are bad! Okay! :'''Hercules''': See, Phil? That-- That wasn't so hard. ''[He drops sword and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Phil''': Kid, kid, kid, how many horns do ya see? :'''Hercules''': Six? :'''Phil''': Eh, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up. :''[Above on Hades' watching perch, Panic shivers and gulps.]'' :'''Hades''': Guys, guys, relax. It's only halftime. :''[Below, Hercules and Phil hear rumbling from Hydra's body.]'' :'''Phil''': That doesn't sound good. ''[Hydra gets three new heads]'' Definitely not good! :''[Hercules on Pegasus fights with Hydra and keeps slicing his heads off, getting more and more new ones]'' :'''Phil''': '''''<big>WILL YOU FORGET THAT HEAD-SLICING THING?</big>''''' :''[Hercules gets knocked off Pegasus and falls among heads and necks of Hydra]'' :'''Hercules''': Phil, I don't think we covered this one in basic training! :''[Hercules escapes, but falls back from the cliff and is now pressed against the wall by Hydra's paw]'' :'''Hades''': My favorite part of the game: sudden death. :''[Hercules crushes the rock on Hydra and gets buried under rocks himself too.]'' :'''Phil''': Oh! There goes another one. Just like Achilles. :'''Hades''': ''[lighting himself a cigar]'' Game. Set. Match. :''[Hercules appears from Hydra's dead paw. Crowd cheers really loud now.]'' :'''Hercules''': Phil, you gotta admit, that was pretty heroic. :'''Phil''': Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! You won by a landslide! :''[Above, Hades turns a bright shade of red, destroying his cigar and pinches his minions' eye sockets.]'' :'''Panic''': ''[in pain]'' Hades mad. :'''Meg''': Well. What do ya know? :''[Cut to Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': ''[spoken]'' From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool. Oh, yeah! ''[singing]'' Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll :'''Thalia''': Person of the week, in every Greek opinion poll :'''Terpsichore''': What a pro! :'''Calliope''': Herc could stop a show, point him at a monster and you're talkin' S.R.O. He was a no one! :'''Muses''': A zero, a zero :'''Calliope''': Now he's a honcho! :'''Muses''': He's a hero! :'''Calliope''': He was a kid with his act down pat! :'''Muses''': Zero to hero in no time flat! Zero to hero! :'''Calliope''': Just like that! :'''Muses''': When he smiled the girls went wild! With oohs and aahs! :'''Thalia''': And they slapped his face, on every vase! :'''Clio''': On every "Vahse"! :'''Muses''': From appearance fees and royalties. Our Herc had cash to burn. Now nouveau riche and famous. :'''Calliope''': He could tell you what's a Grecian urn :'''Muses''': Say amen! There he goes again :'''Melpomene''': Sweet and undefeated. And an awesome ten for ten. :'''Muses''': Folks lined up just to watch him flex :'''Thalia''': And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs :'''Muses''': Hercie, he comes, he sees, he conquers. Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers. He showed the moxie brains and spunk -- yeah! From zero to hero :'''Thalia''': A major hunk :'''Muses''': Zero to hero :'''Calliope''': And who'd have thunk... Who put the glad in gladiator? :'''Muses''': Hercules! :'''Melpomene''': Who's darin' deeds are great theater? :'''Muses''': Hercules! :'''Melpomene''': Is he bold? :'''Male Chorus''': No one braver! :'''Terpsichore''': Is he sweet? :'''Muses''': Our favorite flavor! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll. Undefeated. Riding high. :'''Calliope''': And the nicest guy :'''Muses''': Not conceited. He was a nothing, zero, zero. Now he's a honcho, he's our hero! He hit the heights at breakneck speed. From zero to hero. Herc is a hero. Now he's a hero. :'''Calliope''': Yes, indeed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hades practices shooting at targets]'' :'''Hades''': Pull! :'''Meg''': Nice shooting, Rex. :'''Hades''': I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even- What... are... ''those?'' :'''Pain''': Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing. :'''Hades''': ''[angrily; losing patience; temper tantrum]'' I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, '''<big>and you… are wearing… ''HIS… MERCHANDISE?!''</big>''' :''[Suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking Hercules soda cup]'' :'''Panic''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' Uh, thirsty? :'''Hades''': '''''<big>GAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!</big>''' [blasts them]'' :'''Meg''': Looks like your game's over. Wonderboy is hitting every curve you throw at him. :'''Hades''': Oh yeah... I wonder if maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him. Meg, my sweet. :'''Meg''': Don't even go there. :'''Hades''': See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness I mean for what? Pandora, it was the box thing, for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? We simply need to find out Wonderboy's. :'''Meg''': I've done my part. Get your little imps— :'''Hades''': They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need someone who can... handle him as a man. :'''Meg''': Hey, I've sworn off manhandling. :'''Hades''': Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into the jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh? :'''Meg''': Look, I learned my lesson, okay? :'''Hades''': Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down wonder breath and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Temple of Zeus]'' :'''Hercules''': You should have been there, father! I mangled the minotaur, grappled with the Gorgon, Just like Phil told me, I analyzed the situation, controlled my strength and kicked! The crowds went wild! Thank you, thank you. :'''Zeus''': Hah! You're doin' great, son. You're doin' your old man proud. :'''Hercules''': I am glad to hear you say that, father. I've been waiting for this day a long time. :'''Zeus''': Hmm.. What day is that, son? :'''Hercules''': The day I rejoin the gods. :'''Zeus''': You've done wonderfully, you really have, my boy. You're just not there yet. You haven't proved yourself a true hero. :'''Hercules''': But father, I've beaten every single monster I've come up against. I'm-I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm-- I'm an action figure! :'''Zeus''': I'm afraid being famous isn't the same as being a true hero. :'''Hercules''': What more can I do? :'''Zeus''': It's something you have to discover for yourself. :'''Hercules''': But how can I-- :'''Zeus''': Look inside your heart. :'''Hercules''': Father, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the city, a carriage passes past rich gates]'' :'''Guide''': On your left is Hercules' villa. My next stop is the Pecs and Flex gift shop where you can pick up the Great Hero's 30-minute workout scroll "Buns of Bronze." :''[Inside the villa, Hercules is posing for a picture on a vase, dressed in the skin of the lion Scar from [[w:The Lion King|Disney's The Lion King]]]'' :'''Phil''': At 1:00 you got a meeting with king Augeas. He's got a problem with his stables. I'd advise you not to wear your new sandals. :'''Hercules''': Phil? :'''Artist''': I told you, don't move! :'''Phil''': D.G.R., the Daughters of the Greek Revolution :'''Hercules''': Phil? :'''Phil''': At 3:00, you gotta get a girdle from some amazons. :'''Hercules''': ''[dropping club and shield]'' Phil, what's the point? :''[The artist, now furious, gives out a loud yell]'' :'''Artist''': '''<big>YAIEEEEE! THAT'S IT!!</big>''' :'''Phil''': Keep your toga on, pal. :''[Artist throws the paints on Phil, making him look like a clown and leaves]'' :'''Phil''': What do you mean, "what's the point?" You wanna go to Olympus, don't ya? :'''Hercules''': Yeah, but this stuff doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. :''[He throws the skin of Scar to Phil]'' :'''Phil''': ''[wiping the paint off his face with it]'' You can't give up now, I'm counting on ya'. :'''Hercules''': I gave this everything I had. :'''Phil''': Listen to me, kid. I seen 'em all. And I am tellin' you - and this is the honest-to-Zeus truth - you got somethin' I never seen before. :'''Hercules''': Really? :'''Phil''': I can feel it right down to these stubby bow legs of mine. There is nothin' you can't do, kid. :''[Door opens and fan girls scream]'' :'''Fan girls''': It's him! :'''Phil''': Hey, watch it! Watch it! Watch— :'''Fan girls''': I touched his elbow! I got his sweatband! :'''Hercules''': Phil, help! :'''Phil''': Okay, escape plan beta. :'''Hercules''': Gotcha. :''[Phil blows whistle, fan girls look at him for a moment and Hercules disappears]'' :'''Fan girls''': Hey! Where is he? :'''Phil''': There he goes! On the verranda! :''[Girls run away, Phil too, but when door closes, Meg appears from behind it, she walks and sees Hercules' toes under a curtain]'' :'''Meg''': Let's see, what could be behind curtain number one? :'''Hercules''': Meg! :'''Meg''': It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed. :'''Hercules''': Gee, I-I-It's great to see you. I-I-I missed you. :'''Meg''': ''[dropping on a couch]'' So, this is what heroes do on their days off :'''Hercules''': I am no hero. :'''Meg''': Sure you are. Everybody in Greece thinks you're the greatest thing since they put the pocket in pita. :'''Hercules''': ''[chuckles]'' I know. It's-it's crazy you know, I can't go anywhere without being mobbed, I mean— :'''Meg''': Ah. You sound like you could use a break. Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon? :'''Hercules''': Oh gee. I-I don't know, uh, Phil's got the rest of the day pretty much booked. :'''Meg''': Ah, Phil, Schmill.. Just follow me. Out the window, round the dumbbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Evening, outdoors]'' :'''Hercules''': Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay, :'''Meg''': Mmm. :'''Hercules''': and then that, that play, that, that Oedipus thing. Man! I thought I had problems. :''[Both chuckle and such, two little birds sitting near turn into Pain and Panic to speak to Meg]'' :'''Panic''': Psst! Stop foolin' around! :'''Pain''': Yeah. Get the goods, sister. :''[Hercules turns back and they turn into birst and tweet innocently]'' :'''Hercules''': I didn't know that playing hooky could be so much fun. :'''Meg''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Hercules''': Thanks, Meg. :'''Meg''': Oh.. Don't that me just yet. Oh! ''[She falls into Hercules' arms]'' :'''Hercules''': Oops, careful. :'''Meg''': Sorry. Weak ankles. :'''Hercules''': Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you better sit down for a while. ''[carries her on a bench and they sit down]'' :'''Meg''': So, uh, do you have any problems with things like.. this? ''[She stretched her leg and holds her foot right before Hercules' face]'' :'''Hercules''': Uh..... :'''Meg''': Weak ankles, I mean. :'''Hercules''': Oh. Uh, no. Not really. :'''Meg''': ''[moving closer to him]'' No weaknesses whatsoever? No trick knee? :'''Hercules''': Uh— :'''Meg''': ''[moving even more close]'' Ruptured... disks? :'''Hercules''': No. I'm I'm afraid I'm, uh.. fit as a fiddle. ''[He finally stands up from the bench]'' :'''Meg''': Wonderboy, you are perfect. :'''Hercules''': Thanks. ''[He sends a coin jumping on a water in a fountain and it breaks the arms off the statue of Venus]'' Whoops. :'''Meg''': It looks better that way. No, it really does. :'''Hercules''': You know, when I was a kid I, I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else. :'''Meg''': You wanted to be petty and dishonest? :'''Hercules''': Everybody's not like that. :'''Meg''': Yes, they are. :'''Hercules''': You're not like that :'''Meg''': How do you know what I'm like? :'''Hercules''': All I know is.. You're the most amazing person with... weak ankles I've ever met. ''[Meg steps back and gets pricked on an arrow of a tiny statue of Amur]'' Meg, when I'm with you I-I don't feel so... alone. :'''Meg''': Sometimes it's better to be alone. :'''Hercules''': What do you mean? :'''Meg''': Nobody can hurt you. :'''Hercules''': Meg? I would never ever hurt you. :'''Meg''': And I don't wanna hurt you, so... let's both do ourselves a favor and.. stop this... um.. before... we-- :''[Their lips met for the kiss, but the moment before it happens bright light flashes into their eyes. It is Phil, on Pegasus, impersonating police helicopter]'' :'''Phil''': All right! Break it up! Break it up! Party's over! I been lookin' all over this town! :'''Meg''': Calm down, mutton man! It was all my fault. :'''Phil''': You're already on my list, sister, so don't make it worse :''[Pegasus snorts at Meg, she snorts back, turning the light off]'' :'''Phil''': And as for you, ya bum, you're gonna go to the stadium and you're gonna be put through the workout of your life! Now get on the horse. :'''Hercules''': Okay, okay. :'''Meg''': I'm sorry. :'''Hercules''': Ah, he'll get over it. :''[He bends a huge tree casually and picks a flower off it, gives it to Meg and kisses her in the cheek]'' :'''Phil''': Move! Move, move, move, move, move! Move! ''[on Pegasus]'' Whoo! Ya-eee! Hey, watch it, watch it! Whoo!  Watch it! Keep your goo-goo eyes on the- ''[A branch finally hits Phil and he falls on the ground]'' That's it. Next time, I drive. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meg sits alone and smells the flower]'' :'''Meg''': Oh. what's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would learn. ''[singing]'' If there's a prize for rotten judgement. I guess I've already won that. No man is worth the aggravation. That's ancient history been there, done that! :'''Muses''': Who d'ya think you're kidding? He's the Earth and Heaven to you. Try to keep it hidden, honey, We can see right through you :'''Meg''': Oh, No :'''Muses''': Girl, you can't conceal it. We know how you feel and who you're thinkin' of? :'''Meg''': Oh-no, no chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no :'''Muses''': You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh-oh? :'''Meg''': It's too cliche, I won't say I'm in love :'''Muses''': Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, oo-oo-oo :'''Meg''': I thought my heart had learned its lesson. It feels so good when you start out... :'''Muses''': Ahhh.. :'''Meg''': My head is screaming get a grip, girl. Unless you're dyin' to cry your heart, oh :'''Muses''': You keep on denying. Who you are and how you're feelin'. Baby, we're not buyin' hon, We saw you hit the ceilin'. Face it like a grownup. When you gonna own up that you. Got Got Got it bad :'''Meg''': Oh, no chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no :'''Muses''': Give up, but give in, Check the grin, you're in love :'''Meg''': This scene won't play, I won't say I'm in love :'''Muses''': You're doing flips, read our lips. You're in love shoo-doo, shoo-doo :'''Meg''': You're way off base, I won't say it (Muses: She won't say in love) Get off my case, I won't say it :'''Muses''': Girl, don't be proud, it's okay, you're in love :'''Meg''': Oh.. At least at loud. I won't say I'm in love... :'''Muses''': Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la Haaa <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Hey, what's the buzz, huh, Meg? What is the weak link in the Wonderboy's chain? :'''Meg''': Get yourself another girl, I'm through. :'''Hades''': I'm sorry. Do you mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something. :'''Meg''': Then read my lips. Forget it. :'''Hades''': Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail? '''''<big>I OWN YOU!!</big>''''' :'''Phil''': Oh. I got another horn here... :'''Hades''': ''[to Meg] '''<big>YOU WORK FOR ME!</big>''''' :'''Phil''': That kid's gonna be doin' laps for a month. :'''Hades''': If I say, "sing", you say, "hey, name that tune" If I say, "I want Wonderboy's head on a platter" you say— :'''Meg''': Medium or well done. :'''Phil''': Oh! I knew that dame was trouble. This is gonna break the kid's heart. :'''Meg''': I'll work on that. :''[Phil runs away]'' :'''Hades''': I'm sorry... You hear that sound? That's the sound of your freedom fluttering out the window forever. :'''Meg''': I don't care. I'm not gonna help you hurt him. :'''Hades''': I can't believe you're getting so worked up about some guy. :'''Meg''': This one is different. He's honest, and-and he's sweet— :'''Hades''': Please. :'''Meg''': He would never do anything to hurt me. :'''Hades''': He's a guy. :'''Meg''': Besides, oh, oneness, you can't beat him. He has no weaknesses, he's gonna— :'''Hades''': I think he does, Meg. I truly think he does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the stadium, Hercules is doing exercises]'' :'''Hercules''': Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! Hey, Phil! What happened to you? :'''Phil''': Kid, we gotta talk. :'''Hercules''': Oh, Phil, I just had the greatest day of my life! I-I can't stop thinking about Meg. She's something else. :'''Phil''': Kid, I'm tryin' to talk to ya! Will you come down here and listen? :'''Hercules''': Aw, how can I come down there when I'm feeling so <big>UP!!</big> ''[jumps up into clouds]'' :''[Meanwhile a Pegasus mare appears and makes Pegasus follow her. In a pen, the mare splits in two parts which turn into Pain and Panic]'' :'''Pain''': Gotcha! :''[back on the stadium]'' :'''Phil''': Ah, very nice! What I'm trying to say is— :'''Hercules''': That if it wasn't for you, I never would have met her. Oh, I owe ya big time. Little guy, I do. :'''Phil''': Will you just knock it off for a couple of seconds? :'''Hercules''': Rule #38, Come on, Phil, keep them up there, huh? Phil, I got two words for ya: Duck! :'''Phil''': Listen to me! She's— :'''Hercules''': A dream come true? :'''Phil''': Not exactly. :'''Hercules''': More beautiful then Aphrodite? :'''Phil''': Aside from that! :'''Hercules''': The most wonderful— :'''Phil''': '''''<big>SHE'S A FRAUD!</big>''''' She's been playing you for a sap! :'''Hercules''': Oh, come on, stop kidding around. :'''Phil''': I'm NOT kidding around! :'''Hercules''': I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to- :'''Phil''': Kid, you're missing the point! :'''Hercules''': Point is: I LOVE her. :'''Phil''': She don't love ''you''! :'''Hercules''': You're crazy! :'''Phil''': She's nothing but a two-timin'- :'''Hercules''': '''<big>STOP IT!</big>''' :'''Phil''': -no good, LYIN, SCHEMING- :'''Hercules''': ''[suddenly turns around and accidentally slaps Phil]'' '''''<big>SHUT UP!</big>''''' Phil, I… I didn't mean… Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. :'''Phil''': Okay. Okay, that's it. You won't face the truth? Fine. :'''Hercules''': Phil, wait. Where are you going? :'''Phil''': I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home. :'''Hercules''': FINE! Go! I don't- I don't need you. :'''Phil''': I thought you were going to be the all-time champ. Not the all-time chump. :''[Hades appears]'' :'''Hades''': Geez, Louise. What's got his goat, huh? Baboom. My name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doing? :'''Hercules''': Not now, okay. :'''Hades''': Hey, wait, I only need a few seconds, and I'm a fast learner, right? You see, I've had this major deal in the works... a real estate venture, if you will. And Herc, you little devil, you, may I call you Herc? You seem to be constantly getting in the way of things, right? :'''Hercules''': You have the wrong guy. :'''Hades''': COME HERE, YOU LITTLE- heh-heh. Just hear me out, okay? Well, I would be eternally grateful if you would just take a day off from this hero business of yours. Jeez, I mean monsters, natural disasters. Phew. You wait a day? :'''Hercules''': You're out of your mind. :'''Hades''': Not so fast, because, ya see I have this one, a little leverage, you might wanna know about. :'''Hercules''': Meg! :'''Meg''': Don't listen, Herc– :'''Hercules''': Let her go! :'''Hades''': Here's the trade-off. You give up your strength for about 24 hours, alright? Say the next 24 hours and Meg here is free as a bird and safe from harm. We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. Whaddya say? C'mon. :'''Hercules''': People are gonna get hurt, aren't they? :'''Hades''': Nah. I mean, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, y'know, it's war - but what can I tell ya? Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh? Isn't Meg - little smoochy face - isn't she more important than they are? :'''Hercules''': Stop it! :'''Hades''': Isn't she?! :'''Hercules''': You gonna swear she'll be safe from any harm. :'''Hades''': Fine, okay, I'll give ya that one. Meg is safe, otherwise you get your strength right back, yadda-yadda, fine print, boiler plate, baboom. Alright? We're done. Whaddya say we shake on it? Hey, I really don't have, like, time to bat this around. I'm kind of on a schedule here, I have plans for August, alright? I need a response, like, now. Going once, going twice... :'''Hercules''': Alright. :'''Hades''': Yes, we're there! ''[they shake hands and Hercules' strength drains from him]'' You may feel just a little queasy, it's kinda natural. Perhaps you should sit '''''DOWN!''''' Now you know how it feels to be just like everybody else. Isn't it just peachy? Oh! You'll love this - one more thing. Meg... babe. A deal's a deal. You're off the hook. By the way, Herc. Is she not, like, a famous little actress? :'''Meg''': Stop it. :'''Hercules''': What do you mean? :'''Hades''': I mean your little chickie-poo here was working for me all the time. ''[sticking out his tongue in obviousness]'' Duh. :'''Hercules''': You're-You're lying! :''[Hades motions towards Pain and Panic, who are disguised as the boys again as if to say "Am I? Am I Really?"]'' :'''Panic''': ''[as a boy]'' Help! ''[Coughs]'' :'''Pain''': ''[as another boy]'' Jeepers, mister, you're really strong! :''[They turn back themselves and start laughing at him]'' :'''Hades''': ''[to Meg]'' Couldn't have done it with you, sugar, sweetheart, babe. :'''Meg''': ''[to Hercules]'' No, it's not like that! I didn't mean to- I-I couldn't… I-I'm so sorry. :'''Pain and Panic''': ''[singing while taunting Hercules]'' Our hero's a zero! Our hero's a zero! :''[Meg starts to cry in regret]'' :'''Hades''': Well, gotta blaze. There's a whole cosmos up there waiting for me with, hey, my name on it. So much for the preliminaries, and now onto the main event! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who… put you… down there?! :'''Titans''': '''''<big>ZEUS!</big>''''' :'''Hades''': '''''<big>AND NOW THAT I SET YOU FREE, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU ARE GOING TO DO?!</big>''''' :'''Titans''': '''''<big>DESTROY HIM!</big>''''' :'''Hades''': Good answer. :'''Lythos''': Crush Zeus! :'''Hydros''': Freeze him! :'''Pyros''': Melt Zeus! :'''Stratos''': Blow him away! :'''Titans''': Zeus! :'''Hades''': Uh, Guys? :'''Titans''': Huh? :'''Hades''': Olympus would be that way. :'''Lythos''': Zeus! :'''Hydros''': Freeze him! :'''Hades''': Hold it, bright eye. :'''Cyclops''': Huh? :'''Hades''': I have a special job for you, my optic friend. :''[Olympus. Hermes sees the titans first]'' :'''Hermes''': Ah. Huh? :'''Lythos''': Destroy Zeus! :'''Hermes''': Oh, we're in trouble! Oh, big trouble! I gotta-- ''[he zooms to Olympus]'' My Lord and Lady, the Titans have escaped. And they're practically at our gates! :'''Zeus''': Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counterattack! Go! Go! :'''Hermes''': Gone, babe. :''[Gods prepare to war]'' :'''Ares''': Charge! :'''Apollo''': On to battle! :'''Zeus''': ''[throwing lightnings at Lythos in vain]'' Yee-hah! :'''Ares''': ''[getting sucked in by Stratos]'' You windbag! :'''Hades''': ''[watching this]'' Boom, badda-boom, boom, boom! Hah! :''[Meanwhile, the Cyclops, under Hades's orders, looks for Hercules, causing destruction and mayhem in Thebes]'' :'''Cyclops''': Hercules! Where are you? :'''Thin woman''': What can we do? :'''Tall Thebian''': Where's Hercules? :'''Old Man''': Yeah, Hercules'll save us. :'''Cyclops''': Hercules! Come out! Face me! :'''Meg''': ''[to Hercules who starts going]'' What are you doing? Without your strength, you'll be killed. :'''Hercules''': There are worse things. :'''Cyclops''': Run! :'''Meg''': Wait! stop! :'''Tall Thebian''': Hey, look! It's Hercules. :'''Lumpy Woman''': Thank the gods, we're saved! :'''Cyclops''': So, you mighty Hercules. :''[He hits Hercules who flies away and hits a mosaic of himself. Meanwhile Meg finds Pegasus tied up in the stables]'' :'''Meg''': Easy, horsefeathers. Whoa! Stop twitching, listen. Ah! Hercules is in trouble. We gotta find Phil, he's the only one who can talk some sense into him. ''[screams]'' :''[Meanwhile on Olympus, battle between Zeus and the Titans goes on]'' :'''Zeus''': Get back, blast you! :''[Lythos smashes the gates of Olympus open]'' :'''Hades''': Ooh, Chihuahua. :'''Lythos''': Zeus! :''[Phil is going to leave Thebes and is walking to a boat]'' :'''Sailor''': Come on! Hurry up! We're shovin' off here! :'''Meg''': Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help! :'''Phil''': What does he need me for when he's got friends like you? :'''Meg''': He won't listen to me. :'''Phil''': Good! He's finally learned something. :'''Meg''': Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about him. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die. :''[Meanwhile on Olympus... and back to Thebes as the Cyclops tosses Hercules and plays with him]'' :'''Zeus''': '''''<big>I NEED MORE THUNDERBOLTS!</big>''''' :'''Hermes''': Hephaestus has been captured, my Lord. Everyone's been captured. ''[Pain and Panic get him]'' I've been captured! Hey, hey! Watch the glasses. :'''Hades''': Zeusy, I'm home. :'''Zeus''': Hades, '''''<big>YOU'RE BEHIND THIS!?</big>''''' :'''Hades''': You are correct, sir! :'''Cyclops''': Flea! :'''Phil''': Hercules! :'''Hercules''': Phil. :'''Phil''': Come on, kid, come on. Fight back. Come on, you can take this bum, This guy's a pushover, look at him. :'''Hercules''': You were right all along, Phil. Dreams are for rookies. :'''Phil''': No, no, no, no, kid, givin' up is for rookies. I came back 'cause I'm not quittin' on ya. I'm willing to go the distance, how 'bout you? :''[Cyclops grabs Hercules, laughing in anticipation to finish him off]'' :'''Cyclops''': Me bite off head! :''[Hercules burns the Cyclops' face with a burning stick]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa, baby! :''[after Hercules defeating the Cyclops, Meg sees a pillar falling]'' :'''Meg:''' Hercules, look out! ''[pushes him out of the way only for her to get crushed beneath it]'' :'''Hercules:''' Meg?! '''''<big>NOOOOOOOOOOOO!</big>''' [raises the pillar, getting his strength back]'' What's happening? :'''Meg:''' Hades' deal is broken. He promised I wouldn't get hurt. :'''Hercules:''' Meg, why… why… why did ya… You didn't have to… :'''Meg:''' People always do crazy things when they're in love. :'''Hercules:''' Oh, Meg. Meg, I… I… :'''Meg:''' Are you always this articulate? You… You haven't got much time. You can still stop Hades. :'''Phil:''' I'll watch over her, kid. :'''Hercules:''' You're gonna be all right. I promise. ''[draws his sword and mounts on Pegasus who flies to Olympus at top-speed]'' Let's go, Pegasus! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Olympus:  Gods in chains]'' :'''Pain''': Hup, two, three, four, come on, everybody! I can't hear you! :'''Hermes''': Oh, oh! :'''Zeus''': ''[being frozen from one side and burnt from another]'' I swear to you, Hades, when I get out of this-- :''[He is finally buried under molten rock]'' :'''Hades''': I'm the one giving orders now, bolt boy. And I think I'm gonna like it here. :'''Hercules''': Don't get too comfortable, Hades! :'''Apollo''': Hercules! :'''Hercules''': This oughta even the odds! ''[He breaks the chain by which the gods were chained]'' :'''Hermes''': ''[Hitting Pain and Panic]'' Yeah, Hercules! Thank you, man! :'''Hades''': Get them! :''[Pyros misses Hercules and covers Hades in molten lava]'' :'''Hades''': Whoa! Hey! No! Get him, not me! Him! Follow the fingers! Him! ''[Ice storm from Hydros who was trying to hit Hercules freezes Hades]'' The yutz with the horse! ''[Hercules opens the stone block and releases Zeus]'' :'''Zeus''': Thank you, my boy. :''[Meanwhile Pegasus chases Pain and Panic]'' :'''Pain''': Nice horsey! My intentions were pure! I really was attracted to you. :'''Hephaestus''': Throw! :'''Zeus''': ''[He catches two bolts of lightning.]'' Hah! Now watch your old man work! :'''Lythos''': Uh-oh. :''[Lightnings explode heads of Lythos, other Titans leave]'' :'''Hades''': Guys, get your titanic rears in gears and kick some Olympian butt! ''[Pegasus blows at Hades' head and blue fire which was his head is out.]'' Whoa is my hair out? :''[Hercules meanwhile catches Stratos and sucks into him Lythos, Hydros, and Pyros. He launches them into the sky where they all explode.]'' :'''Zeus''': ''[high-fiving Hercules]'' Hah! :'''Hercules''': Whoo-hoo! :'''Hades''': ''[leaving]'' Thanks a ton, Wonderboy. But at least, I've got one swell consolation prize -- a friend of yours who's dying to see me. :'''Hercules''': Meg! :''[Atropos cuts the thread of life and Megara is dead]'' :'''Hercules''' ''[arrives to her]'' Meg. Meg, no. :'''Phil''': Oh, I'm sorry, kid. There's some things you just can't change. :'''Hercules''': ''[lifting his eyes, with a determined glare]'' Yes, I can. :''[Down in the Underworld, Hades throws a tantrum over the failure on Olympus. Pain and Panic dodge a blast of fire burning the map table, as the room is now in shreds]'' :'''Hades''': ''[ranting angrily with his head goes fiery red]'' WE WERE SO CLOSE! So close. We tripped at the finish line. Why? Because our little nut, Meg has to go all noble. :'''Hercules''': Where's Meg? :'''Hades''': Oh, look who's here. Wonderboy, you are too much. :'''Hercules''': Let her go. :'''Hades''': Get a grip. Come here, come here. Let me show you around. Hmph. Well, well. [[w:It's a Small World|It's a small underworld after all]], huh? :'''Hercules''': Meg. ''[His hands turn old as he touches the water. When he draws them out, they turn back to normal]'' :'''Hades''': No, no, no. Mustn't touch. You see, Meg's running with a new crowd these days. And not a very lively one, at that. :'''Hercules''': You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place. :'''Hades''': The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death. :'''Hercules''': Going once. :'''Hades''': Is there a downside to this? :'''Hercules''': Going twice. :'''Hades''': Okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out- she goes, you stay. ''[Hercules jumps into the river of death]'' You know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it? :''[Hercules keeps swimming in the river, growing older and older. The Fates hold up his thread of life, and Atropos goes to cut the thread of life, but it suddenly shines, and the scissors can't cut it turning Gold.]'' :'''Lachesis''': What's the matter with these scissors? :'''Clotho''': The thread won't cut. :''[At the same time, Hercules floats out from the river with Meg's soul and climbs up the cliff, holding Meg's soul in his arms, as he shines brightly]'' :'''Hades''': This… this is impossible. You can't be alive, you'd have to be a… :'''Pain and Panic''': A god? :''[Hercules brightly glows as he must have conquered Death, the Underworld's river and Fate itself, regained his godhood by sacrificing himself to save the woman he loves. Hades suffers an anguishing breakdown as he pulls his flaming hair as if he couldn't believe it himself]'' :'''Hades''': Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- ''[Hercules hits him in the face]'' Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... ''[Hercules punches him into the river of death] '''<big>GAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!</big>''' [souls go to grab him]'' Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! :'''Panic''': He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there! :'''Pain''': You mean, ''if'' he gets outta there! :'''Hades''': Taxi! '''TAXI!!!''' :'''Panic''': If. If is good. :'''Hades''': ''[latest words before his disappeared, as the souls pull him down into the abyss]'' I don't feel so good! I—I'm feeling a little... '''''<big>FLUUUUUUUUUUSHED!</big>''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At outside, Hercules brings the soul of Meg and puts it inside her body]'' :'''Meg''': Wonderboy, what-- why did you— :'''Hercules''': Huh. People always do crazy things when they are in love. :''[they go for a kiss, but suddenly a cloud appears under their feet, sent by Zeus, and they fly to Olympus]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Whoo! ''[Pegasus picks him up and brings along]'' :''[The crowd of gods welcome Hercules]'' :'''Apollo''': Three cheers for the mighty Hercules! :'''Hermes''': Oh, yeah! Flowers for everybody! Oh! :'''Hera''': Hercules, we're so proud of you. :'''Hercules''': Mother. :'''Zeus''': Hah! Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero. :'''Hera''': You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman. :'''Zeus''': For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home. :'''Meg''': Congratulations, Wonderboy. You'll make one heck of a god. :'''Hercules''': Father, this is the moment I've always dreamed of. But... a life without Meg, even an immortal life, would be... empty. I wish to stay on Earth with her. I finally know where I belong. :''[Zeus nods, they finally kiss and Hercules stops shining]'' :'''Hermes''': Hit it, ladies! :''[begin Song: A Star Is Born]'' :'''Muses''': Oh, gonna shout it from the mountaintops A star is born! It's the time for pulling out the stops A star is born! Honey, hit us with a hallelu That kid came shining through Girl, sing the song Come blow your horn A star is born! He's a hero who can please the crowd A star is born! Come on, everybody shout out loud A star is born! Just remember in the darkest hour, Within your heart's the power For makin' you A hero too :''[Here the Constellation of Hercules appears]'' :'''Muses''': So don't lose hope When you're forlorn :''[Phil sees the Strong Man pointing at it]'' :'''Tall Thebian''': That's Phil's boy! :'''Muses''': Just keep your eyes Upon the skies Every night, A star is right in sight, A star is burning bright, A star is born A star is born :''[Closing Titles start, song continues]'' :'''Muses''': Like a beacon in the cold dark night / A star is born! / Told ya everything would turn out right / A star is born! / Just when everything was all at sea / The boy made history / The bottom line Bottom line! / He sure can shine He can shine! / His rising sign is Capricorn / He knew how to / He had a clue Telling you / A star is born! :'''Male Chorus''': Here's a hero who can please the crowd :'''Muses''': A star is born! :'''Male Chorus''': Come on, everybody shout out loud :'''Muses''': A star is born! / Just remember in your darkest hour / Within your heart's the power / For making you / A hero too / (A hero too) / So don't lose hope / When you're forlorn / (No, no!) / Just keep your eyes / Upon the skies / Every night, A star is right in sight, A star is burning bright, A star is born! ==MICHAEL BOLTON lyrics (Go the Distance)== ''''I have often dreamed, of a far-off place, where a hero's welcome will be waiting for me.'' ''Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face, and a voice keeps saying "This is where I'm meant to be...!"'' ''I'll be there someday, I can go the distance, I will find my way, If I can be strong.'' ''I know every mile, will be worth my while.'' ''When I go the distance, I'll be right where I...belong.'''' ''''Down an unknown road, to embrace my fate.'' ''Though the road may wander, it will lead me to you.'' ''And a thousand years would be worth the wait.'' ''It might take a lifetime, but somehow I'll see it through.'''' ''''And I won't look back, I can go the distance.'' ''And I'll stay on track. No, I won't accept defeat.'' ''It's an uphill slope, but I won't lose hope.'' ''Till I go the distance and my journey is...complete.'' ''Oh, Yeah!'' ''But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part, for a hero's strength is measured by his heart...'' ''Like a shooting star, I will go the distance.'' ''I will search the world, I will face its harms.'' ''I don't care how far, I can go the distance.'' '''Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in...'' ''Your arms.'' ''''I will search the world, I will face its harms...'' '''Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in...'' ''''Your arms.'' ''[song fades]'' == Taglines== *A Comedy of Epic Proportions *Happy IV of July! *Zero to Hero! *Who puts the GLAD in GLADIATOR? *You can run but you can't Hydra! == Cast == * [[w:Tate Donovan|Tate Donovan]] — Hercules **[[w:Josh Keaton|Josh Keaton]] (young) ***[[w:Roger Bart|Roger Bart]] — (singing voice) * [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — Phil * [[James Woods]] — Hades * [[w:Susan Egan|Susan Egan]] — Meg * [[Frank Welker]] — Pegasus * [[w:Bobcat Goldthwait|Bobcat Goldthwait]] — Pain * [[w:Matt Frewer|Matt Frewer]] — Panic * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] — Zeus * [[w:Samantha Eggar|Samantha Eggar]] — Hera * [[w:Lillias White|Lillias White]] — Calliope * [[w:Vaneese Thomas|Vanéese Y. Thomas]] — Clio * Cheryl Freeman — Melpomene * [[w:LaChanze|LaChanze]] — Terpsichore * [[w:Roz Ryan|Roz Ryan]] — Thalia * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Patrick Pinney]] — Cyclops, Lythos * [[w:Hal Holbrook|Hal Holbrook]] — Ampgitryon * [[w:Barbara Barrie|Barbara Barrie]] — Alcmene * [[w:Amanda Plummer|Amanda Plummer]] — Clotho * [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] — Lachesis * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] — Atropos * [[w:Paul Shaffer|Paul Shaffer]] — Hermes * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] — Nessus, Tall Theban, Elderly Theban, and Pyros * [[w:Wayne Kinght|Wayne Knight]] — Demetrius * [[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] — Earthquake Lady, Nymphs, Teenage Girls, and Athena * [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] — Burnt Man, End-of-the World Man, Tour Bus Guide, and Stratos * [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] — the Heavyset Woman * [[w:Keith David|Keith David]] — Apollo * [[w:Aaron Michael Metchik|Aaron Michael Metchik]] — Ithicles * [[Charlton Heston]] — Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] — Pegasus == External Links == {{wikipedia|Hercules (1997 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0119282}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1997 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Films based on classical mythology]] 2ilb8vf4tueezdco9toposhivagilqp 3944650 3944510 2026-05-23T23:43:50Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944650 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:San Diego Comic-Con 2014 - Hades (14771590345).jpg|thumb|How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh?! Is this an audience or a mosaic?]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It tells the story about the adventures of Hercules, the son of Zeus in [[w:Greek mythology|Greek mythology]]. :''Directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]]. Written by Ron Clements, John Musker, Donald McEnery, Bob Shaw and [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]]. Songs by [[w:Alan Menken|Alan Menken]] and [[w:David Zippel|David Zippel]]. Score Produced by Alan Menken and includes "[[w:Go the Distance|Go the Distance]]" Written by Alan Menken and David Zippel, and performed by [[w:Michael Bolton|Michael Bolton]].'' {{center|'''A Comedy of Olympian Proportions'''}} == Hercules == * ''[to Zeus]'' But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm...I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm...I'm an action figure! * A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? * Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay...And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing? Man! I thought I had problems. * ''[after Meg is revived]'' People always do crazy things... when they are in love. == Meg == * Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.' * Thanks, Herc. It's been a real slice. * ''[rushing into Thebes, crying out]'' Please. Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident! * ''[Hercules walks to the Cyclops]'' What are you doing? Without your strength you'll be killed. * People always do crazy things... when they're in love. * You're really choked up about this, aren't you? * ''[to Hades]'' Then read my lips. Forget it. == Hades == * How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of ''moussaka'' caught in my throat. Huh? Is this an audience or a mosaic? * Love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, '''''Zeus.''''' * Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting. * I’m about to rearrange the cosmos and the one SCHLEMIEL who can louse it up is waltzing around <big>'''IN THE WOODS'''</big>! * Let’s get ready to <big>'''RUMBLE!'''</big> * My favorite part of the game: Sudden death. * Game. Set. Match. * I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I’ve been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and you are wearing <big>'''HIS... ''MERCHANDISE?!'''''</big> * He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse. Okay? * Meg, Meg Meg. My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but-ever-so-crucial, little, tiny detail? '''I OWN YOU'''! * We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What d’ya say? Come on. * Ba-boom! Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doin'? * Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and KICK some Olympian BUTT! ''[Pegasus blows out his flaming hair]'' Whoa, is my hair out? * Uh, guys. Olympus would be that way. * Zeusy, I'm home! * ''[repeated scream]'' <big>'''''GAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!'''''</big> * Thanks a ton, Wonderboy! But at least I've got one swell consolation prize, a friend of yours who's dying to see me. * This is... This is impossible! You, you, you can't be alive! You'd have to be a, a... (Pain and Panic: A god?) Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- ''[Hercules punches Hades]'' Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... ''[Hercules punches him into the river of death] <big>'''GAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!'''</big> [souls go to grab him]'' Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! Ooh, ah— (Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there!; Pain: You mean, ''if'' he gets outta there!) Taxi! '''TAXI!''' (Panic: If. If is good.) I don't feel so good. I—I'm feeling a little... <big>'''''FLUSHED!'''''</big> * ''[last lines, as the film closes]'' What do you say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste of something but me. I've got nothing. I'm here with nothing. Anybody listening?! It's like I'm- what am I? An echo or something? Hello! Hello! Am I talking to what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens. == Phil == * I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. ''[Looking at a statue of a soldier in armor]'' And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! ''[pause]'' <big>'''BUT THAT FURSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS!'''</big> He barely gets nicked there once and kaboom. He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right...Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. * One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. * ''[after being called a goat-man]'' Watch it, pal. * You... I got your heel <big>'''RIGHT HERE!'''</big> ''[tackles Tall Thebian with his head, throws punches]'' I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You- ''[bites Tall Thebian's butt]'' * ''[as Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off] '''<big>WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!</big>''''' * ''[after Hercules defeats the Hydra] '''<big>YA DID IT, KID! YA DID IT, YOU WON BY A LANDSLIDE!</big>''''' * ''[about Meg] '''<big>SHE'S A FRAUD!</big>''''' She's been playing you for a sap! * No, no, no, no, no, kid, giving up is for rookies. I came back because I'm not quitting on ya. I'm willing to go the distance. How about you? == Zeus == * You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death. HA! Work yourself to death! * Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth. * Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored. * I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero. * <big>'''''SOUND THE ALARM! LAUNCH AN IMMEDIATE COUNTERATTACK! GO, GO!'''''</big> * For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home. ==The Narrator and the Muses== :'''The Narrator''': ''[First lines]'' Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story- :'''Thalia''': Would you listen to him? He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy. :'''Terpsichore''': Lighten up, dude. :'''Calliope''': We'll take it from here, darling. :'''Narrator''': You go, girl. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calliope''': If there is one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades. :'''Terpsichore''': 'Cause he had an evil plan. :'''Thalia''': ''[singing]'' He ran the underworld, <br /> But thought the dead were dull and uncouth <br /> He was as mean as he was ruthless <br /> And that's the gospel truth <br /> He had a plan to shake things up <br /> And that's the gospel truth!<!-- Gospel Truth II: Hades in the Underworld --> <hr width="50%"/> :<p>'''Melpomene''': ''[singing]'' Young Herc was mortal now <br /> But since he did not drink the last drop, <br /> He still retained his godlike strength, <br /> So thank his lucky star</p><p>But Zeus and Hera wept <br /> Because their son could never come home, <br /> They'd have to watch their precious baby <br /> Grow up from afar</p><p> Though, Hades' horrid plan <br /> Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth <br /> The boy grew stronger ev'ry day <br /> And that's the gospel truth</p><!-- Gospel Truth III --> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thalia''': ''[singing about Hercules' fame and success]'' And they slapped his face on ev'ry vase. :'''Clio''': On ev'ry ''"vah-se."'' == Dialogue == :''[The camera opens in on a museum hallway featuring Greek statues and vases.]'' :'''Narrator''': Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. ''[A Greek vase is shown with a picture of Hercules fighting a monster lion. Vase zooms in slowly]'' But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is- :'''Thalia''': Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some greek tragedy. :'''Terpsichore''': Lighten up, dude. :'''Calliope''': We'll take it from here, darling. :'''Narrator''': You go, girl. :'''Calliope''': We are the Muses. Goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes. :'''Terpsichore''': Heroes like Hercules! :'''Thalia''': Honey, you mean "hunk-ules". Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him- :''[Muses start humming]'' :'''Calliope''': Our story actually begins long before Hercules, many eons ago.. ''[scene changes colors and the Muses start walking and singing]'' Back when the world was new, The planet Earth was down on its luck. And everywhere gigantic brutes, Called Titans ran amok! :'''Thalia''': It was a nasty place! There was a mess wherever you stepped. :'''Calliope''': Where chaos reigned and earthquakes, and volcanoes never slept! :'''Thalia''': Woo! Say it, girlfriend! :'''Muses''': And then along came Zeus! :'''Calliope''': He hurled his thunderbolt, :'''Muses''': He zapped! :'''Thalia''': Locked those suckers in a vault! :'''Muses''': They're trapped! And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks. And that's the gospel truth! The guy was too type A to just relax. :'''Terpsichore''': And that's the world's first dish. :'''Thalia''': yeah, baby! :'''Melpomene''': Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth. :'''Muses''': Though, honey, it may seem impossible- That's the gospel truth! On Mount Olympus life was neat and smooth as sweet vermouth. Though, honey, it may seem impossible- That's the gospel truth! :''[schematic picture of Olympus zooms in and turns into a real one. While the Muses still repeat their "ah's and yeah's", camera moves up the mountain slope. While it does, the movie title, HERCULES, is shown.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Mount Olympus; Zeus and the other gods to watching Hera holding baby Hercules. He is giggling]'' :'''Hera''': Hercules. Behave yourself. :'''Zeus''': Oh, look at this. Look how cute he is. ''[He blubbers at Hercules]''Hah. Oh, he's strong. Like his Dad, hmm. :'''Hermes''': Whoa. Excuse me. Hot stuff coming through. Excuse me. One side, Ares. :'''Hera''': Why, Hermes-they're lovely. :'''Hermes''': Yes, you know I had Orpheus do the arrangement, isn't that too nutty? Famous feast, you know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself. :'''Hera''': Dear, keep these away from the baby. :'''Zeus''': He won't hurt himself. Let the kid have a little fun. On behalf of my son, I'd like to thank you all for your wonderful gifts. :'''Hera''': What about our gift, dear? :'''Zeus''': Well, let's see here...we'll take, huh, yes, a little cirrus, and, uh, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus and a dash of cumulus. His name is Pegasus and he's all yours, son. :'''Hera''': Mind his head. :'''Zeus''': He's so tiny. My boy. My little Hercules. ''[He tucks Hercules in, kissing him]'' :'''Hades''': How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of ''moussaka'' caught in my throat. Huh? Is this an audience or a mosaic? Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress. :'''Zeus''': So Hades. You finally made it. How's things in the underworld? :'''Hades''': Ah, well, it's just fine. Y'know, little dark, little gloom, and there's always hey, Full of dead people, whaddya gonna do?" Ah, There's the little sunspot, little smootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh? Here you go. Ya just- ''[Hercules squeezes Hades' finger, causing Hades to pull away in pain]'' Sheesh. Powerful little tyke. :'''Zeus''': Come on, Hades. Don't be such a stiff, join the celebration. :'''Hades''': Hey, love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, '''''Zeus.''''' So... can't. Love to, but can't. :'''Zeus''': You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death... HA! Work yourself to death! ''[he and the other gods laugh]'' Oh, I kill myself! :'''Hades''': If only, if only... :''[Scene changes back to the Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': If there's one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades, :'''Terpsichore''': 'cause he had an evil plan :''[The scene changes to a boat on the River Styx, in which a skeleton is carrying Hades. Two souls lean up from the lake bed to grab Hades, who zaps them away and blows the smoke off his finger like a pistol.]'' :'''Thalia''': ''[singing]'' He ran the Underworld, but thought the dead were dull and uncouth. He was as mean as ruthless- And that's the gospel truth. :''[A pair of skeletal gates open, and Cerberus' heads snarl and snap their jaws viciously. Hades throws them a piece of steak for the dogs to eat, which the dogs fight over as the boat continues its journey down the river.]'' He had a plan to shake things up- And that's the gospel truth! :''[Hades arrives home in Underworld]'' :'''Hades''': <big>'''''PAIN!'''''</big> :'''Pain''': ''[running down stairs]'' Coming, your most lugubriousness. ''[trips and bounces down the stairs, lands on spike claw, screams]'' :'''Hades''': <big>'''''PANIC!'''''</big> :'''Panic''': Oh! I'm sorry. I can handle it! :''[Pain pulls himself off the spike claw, Panic trip flies into the air and accidentally lands his ears on Pain, causing him to scream in pain]'' :'''Pain''': Pain! Oh. :'''Panic''': And Panic. :'''Pain and Panic''': Reporting for duty. :'''Hades''': Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive. :'''Panic''': Oh. They're here. :'''Hades''': WHAT!? The Fates are here, and you didn't TELL ME!? :'''Pain and Panic''': ''[both turn into worms] '''We are worms! Worthless worms!''''' :'''Hades''': Memo to me. Maim you after my meeting. :''[The scene changes to show the cavern where the three Fates are waiting]'' :'''Atropos''': Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight. ''[She cuts a thread with scissors and a woman scream is heard]'' :'''Lachesis''': Incoming! :''[The Fates laugh as a soul enters the cave and flies into a tunnel. The counter above the tunnel now says "Over 5000000000 Served", the number suddenly changes to "5000000001"]'' :'''Hades''': Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm- :'''Fates''': ''[all at once]'' Late. :'''Lachesis''': We knew you would be. :'''Clotho''': We know everything! :'''Lachesis''': Past. :'''Clotho''': Present. :'''Atropos''': And future. ''[to Panic]'' Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big. :'''Hades''': Great. Great. Anyway, see, Ladies, I was at this party, and I lost track of— :'''Fates''': We know. :'''Hades''': Yeah. I know you know. So, here's the deal. Zeus, Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". Now, he has— :'''Fates''': A bouncing baby brat. :'''Clotho''': We know! :'''Hades''': '''''<big>I KNOW!</big>''''' You know. I know. I got it. I got the concept. So, let me just ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what? What do you think? :'''Clotho''': ''[to Lachesis]'' Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the future. :'''Hades''': Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out. Can I? Can I ask you a question, by the way? Did you cut your hair of something? You look fabulous. I mean, you look like a fate worse then death. :''[Clotho hits Lachesis on the head, making the eye fall out into the hands of Panic]'' :'''Panic''': Oh, gross! :'''Pain''': Yech! It's blinkin'! ''[He kicks it into Hades' hand, who pulls off a hair from the eye]'' :'''Hades''': Ladies, please, my fate is in your lovely hands. :'''Clotho''': All right. :'''Lachesis''': In 18 years precisely, The planets will align ever so nicely. :'''Hades''': Ay, verse. Oy. :'''Lachesis''': The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band. :'''Hades''': Mmm-hmm. Good, good. :'''Clotho''': Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all! :'''Hades''': '''''<big>YES! HADES RULES!</big>''''' :'''Atropos''': A word of caution to this tale... :'''Hades''': Excuse me? :'''Atropos''': Should Hercules fight, you will fail. :''[The Fates laugh, then disappear]'' :'''Hades''': '''''<big>WHAT?!</big>''''' Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god? :'''Pain''': I do not... know. :'''Panic''': You can't. They're immortal. :'''Hades''': Bingo, they're immortal. So, first you got to turn the little sunspot... mortal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Pain and Panic kidnap Hercules, Zeus and Hera are woken up by the commotion.]'' :'''Zeus''': Huh? :'''Hera''': What? What is it? :'''Zeus and Hera''': The baby! :''[They run to the cradle and find out that Hercules was kidnapped.]'' :'''Hera''': Hercules! ''[starts sobbing]'' :'''Zeus''': '''''<big>NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!</big>''''' :'''Panic''': Now, we did it! Zeus is gonna use us for target practice. :'''Pain''': Just hang onto the kid. :'''Panic''': Hurry. Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay? :'''Pain''': Here you go, kid. A little Grecian formula. :'''Panic''': Look at that! He's changing. Can we do it now? :'''Pain''': No, no, no, he has to drink the whole potion. Every last drop. :'''Amphitryon''': ''[offscreen]'' Who's there? ''[Pain and Panic run away, dropping the empty vial. It breaks and one last drop falls into the ground]'' Alcmene, over here. :'''Alcmene''': Oh, you poor thing. Oh, don't cry. :'''Amphitryon''': Is anybody there? :'''Panic''': Now? :'''Pain''': Now. ''[Their shadows are shown as they walk and transform into snakes]'' :'''Amphitryon''': He must have been abandoned. :'''Alcmene''': For so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us with a child. ''[Amphitryon reads Hercules' name from a medallion on his neck]'' Perhaps, they've answered our prayers. :'''Amphitryon''': Perhaps they have... Hercules? :''[Pain and Panic, as snakes, attack, but Baby Hercules catches them, and giggling happily, hits them several times against the ground, ties into a knot and sends them flying]'' :'''Panic''': Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened. :'''Pain''': You mean, ''if'' he finds out. :'''Panic''': Of course he's gonna... If. If is good. <hr width"50%"/> :''[Pan to Mount Olympus in dark clouds and then resolve to the Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': It was tragic. Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search. :'''Terpsichore''': But by the time they found the baby, it was too late. :'''Melepomene''': Young Herc was mortal now, But since he did not drink the last drop. He still retained his godlike strength- So thank his lucky star! But Zeus and Hera wept, Because their son could never come home. They'd have to watch their precious baby, Grow up from afar. Though Hades' horrid plan, Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth, The boy grew stronger every day, And that's the gospel truth! :'''Muses''': The gospel truth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Resolve to country with sheeps baaing. A carriage with a lot of hay moves along the road unnaturally fast, then we see Amphitryon and his mule sitting before it]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, slow down! Look out! :''[Workers jump out of the way]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Oops! S-s-sorry guys! :'''Worker 1''': Hey, watch where you're goin'! :'''Worker 2''': Sunday driver! :'''Young Hercules''': ''[enters the middle of the square and stops]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Thanks, son. When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there, I thought we were done for. :'''Young Hercules''': ''[picks up the haystack]'' No problem, Pop. :'''Amphitryon''': Uh, don't-don't-don't unload just yet. First I have to finagle with Phideas. :'''Hercules''': Okay. ''[drops the hay on the cart which makes Penelope fly up into the sky]'' Oops, sorry, Penelope. :'''Amphitryon''': Now, Hercules, this time, please just— :'''Young Hercules''': I know, I know. ''[catches Penelope]'' Stay by the cart. :'''Amphitryon''': That's my boy. :'''Young Hercules''': ''[stays until he sees a man losing balance with a big clay pot]'' :'''Demetrius''': Oh, my goodness. Whoa! :'''Young Hercules''': ''[catches him just in time]'' Careful! :'''Demetrius''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Why, thank you. :'''Young Hercules''': No problem. :'''Demetrius''': Why, Hercules. It's you. :'''Young Hercules''': Let me, let me help you with that. :'''Demetrius''': No, no, no, no, no, I got it. I'm fine, you just run along. :'''Young Hercules''': You sure? :'''Demetrius''': Oh, yes. Absolutely. :''[A frisbee falls to his feet]'' :'''Ithicles''': Yo! Give it here! ''[gasps]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Hey, you need an extra guy? :'''Ithicles''': Uh.. sorry, Herc. We already got... 5. And we want to keep it an even number. :'''Young Hercules''': Hey, wait a second. Five isn't an even— :'''Ithicles''': See ya, Herc. :'''Teenage boy''': What a geek! :'''Teenage boy 2''': Destructo boy. :'''Ithicles''': Maybe we should call him "Jerkules". :'''Teenage boys''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Ithicles''': Heads up! :'''Young Hercules''': I-I got it! ''[hits a pillar, which starts falling]'' Uh-oh.. Oh no!.. It's okay.. ''[the pillar starts falling one by one, like domino. He sees that and accidentally throws the pillar he was holding away, but it hits another standing pillar and another domino wave starts going around the square]'' Hey! Whoa! :'''Amphitryon''': Son! :'''Young Hercules''': Hang on, Pop! Be right back! :''[The two domino waves seem to be aiming at the shop with clay pots]'' :'''Demetrius''': Oh my! Oh no! Don't! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! :''[The last two pillars stop above the man's head]'' :'''Demetrius''': ''[sighs]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[running to save him, slips and slides to him fast]'' Watch out! :'''Demetrius''': ''[screaming]'' :''[The town square is now destroyed]'' :'''Ithicles''': Nice catch, Jerkules. :'''Amphitryon''': Son- :'''Demetrius''': This is the last straw, Amphitryon! :'''Woman''': That boy is a menace! :'''Man''': He's too dangerous to be around normal people! :'''Townsfolk''': ''[agree]'' :'''Amphitryon''': He didn't mean any harm, he's just a kid. He just can't control his strength. :'''Demetrius''': I am warning you. You keep that-that-that... freak away from here! :'''Teenage boy''': Freak! Yeah, go away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a grassy hillside, Hercules and Amphitryon sit alone.]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Son, you shouldn't let those things they said back there get to you. :'''Younng Hercules''': But Pop, they're right. I-I am a freak. I try to fit in, I really do. I just can't. Sometimes.. I feel like, like I really don't belong here. Like I'm supposed to be.. someplace else. :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, son— :'''Young Hercules''': I know it doesn't make any sense. :''Young Hercules''': ''[Hercules walk away and sings]'' I have often dreamed of a far off place, where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face, and a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be. I will find my way I can go the distance. I'll be there someday. If I can be strong, I know every mile, will be worth my while, I would go most anywhere to feel like I...belong. :''[He returns home]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, there's something your mother and I have been meaning to tell ya. :''[inside the house]'' :'''Young Hercules'''': But if you found me, then where did I come from? Why was I left here? :'''Alcmene''': This was around your neck when we found you. It's the symbol of the gods. :'''Young Hercules''': This is it! Don't you see? Maybe they have the answers! I'll go to the temple of Zeus and-- Ma, Pop, you're the greatest parents anyone could have, but.. I-I gotta know. :''[Next morning, Hercules walks to the Temple and sings]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[singing]'' I am on my way, I can go the distance. I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong, I know every mile, will be worth my while, I would go most everywhere to find where I...belong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules enters the Temple of Zeus]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Oh mighty Zeus, please, hear me and answer my prayer. I need to know: Who am I? Wh-where do I belong? ''[wind blows, lightning hits the statue of Zeus, flame ignites in braziers and the statue of Zeus comes to life]'' :'''Zeus''': My boy. My little Hercules. ''[Hercules screams]'' Hey, hold on kiddo. What's your hurry? After all these years is this a kind of hello to give your father? :'''Young Hercules''': Father? :'''Zeus''': Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? '''''SURPRISE!''''' Look how you've grown. Why you've got your mother's beautiful eyes and my strong chin. :'''Young Hercules''': I-I don't understand. If you are my father, that would make me a— :'''Zeus''': A god. :'''Young Hercules''': A god. A god! :'''Zeus''': Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth. :'''Young Hercules''': But why did you leave me on earth? Didn't you want me? :'''Zeus''': Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts. But someone stole you from us and turned you mortal, and only gods can live on Mount Olympus. :'''Young Hercules''': And you can't do a thing? :'''Zeus''': I can't, Hercules, but you can. :'''Young Hercules''': R-really? W-what? I-I'll do anything. :'''Zeus''': Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored. :'''Young Hercules''': A true hero. Great. Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? :'''Zeus''': First, you must seek out Philoctetes, the trainer of heroes. :'''Young Hercules''': Seek out Philoctetes. Right. I'll-- ''[he falls off Zeus' palm]'' Whoa! :'''Zeus''': Whoa! Hold your horses! Which reminds me... ''[whistles and the Pegasus flies through an opening in the roof]'' Ha-ha! You probably don't remember Pegasus but you two go way back, son. :'''Young Hercules''': Oh, Pegasus. :'''Zeus''': He is a magnificent horse. With the brain of a bird. :'''Young Hercules''': I'll find Philoctetes and become a true hero. :'''Zeus''': That's the spirit. :'''Young Hercules''': I won't let you down, father. Yee-haw! :'''Zeus''': Good luck, son. :''[Hercules flies away, singing]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[singing]'' I will beat the odds, I can go the distance! I will face the world, fearless, proud and strong! I will please the gods, I can go the distance, till I find my hero's welcome right... where... I... belong! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Isle of Philoctetes]'' :'''Young Hercules''': You sure this is the right place? ''[Hercules sees three nymphs laughing in the trees, then sees a goat's behind sticking from the bushes.]'' What's the matter, little guy? You stuck? :'''Phil''': Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy! :'''Young Hercules''': Ugh! :'''Phil''': Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back, come back, come back. Whoa, whoa-- ''[the nymph he gets hold on turns into flowers]''  oh, geez! Whait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[another nymph turns into a tree]'' Oh, nymphs! They can't keep their hands off me. :'''Nymph''': Hey! :'''Phil''': ''[to Hercules]'' What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before? :'''Young Hercules''': Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes. :'''Phil''': Call me Phil. :'''Young Hercules''': ''[squeezes his hand]'' Phil! :'''Phil''': Ow! :'''Young Hercules''': Boy, am I glad to meet you! I'm Hercules. This is Pegasus. :''[Pegasus licks Phil]'' :'''Phil''': Animals!. Disgusting! :'''Young Hercules''': I need your help. I want to become a hero. A true hero. :'''Phil''': Sorry, kid, can't help ya. :'''Young Hercules''': Wait! ''[He pulls the door Phil closed before him and raises it in the air with one hand]'' :'''Phil''': Whoo! :'''Young Hercules''': Uh, sorry. Why not? :'''Phil''': Two words: I am retired. :''[Hercules counts on fingers]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Look, I gotta do this. Haven't you ever had a dream, something you wanted so bad you'd do anything? :'''Phil''': ''[sighs]'': Kid, come inside, I want to show you something. :''[Inside, Hercules hits his head against a wooden mast.]'' :'''Phil''': Watch it! That was part of the mast of the Argo. :'''Young Hercules''': The Argo? :'''Phil''': Yeah. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra? ''[He shows Hercules a row of helmets.]'' I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus." And every single one of those bums let me down. Flatter then a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all - the build, the foot speed. He could jab, he could take a hit, he could keep on coming. But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once and - kaboom!  He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I was gonna train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars... All across the sky, and people would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Eh, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. :'''Young Hercules''': But I am different than those other guys, Phil! I can go the distance. Come on, I'll show you. :'''Phil''': ''[grunts]'' Geez, you don't give up, do ya? :'''Young Hercules''': Watch this. ''[He raises something big which looks like a UFO and sends it flying away.]'' :'''Phil''': Holy Hera.. You know maybe if I-- No! Snap  out of it! I am too old to get mixed up in this stuff again. :'''Young Hercules''': But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father, Zeus. :'''Phil''': Hold it! Zeus is your father, right? :'''Young Hercules''': Uh-huh. :'''Phil''': ''[laughs]'' Zeus! The big guy. He's your daddy! Mr.  Lightning Bolts, read me a book, will ya.. da-da? Zeus! ''[mimics Zeus]''  Once upon a time— :'''Young Hercules''': It's the truth! :'''Phil''': Please! ''[singing]''  So you wanna be a hero, kid? well, whoop-de-do. I have been around the block before with blockheads just like you. Each and every one was disappointment. Pain for which there ain't no ointment. So much for excuses, though a kid of Zeus is, asking me to jump into the fray. ''[spoken]'' My answer is two words. ''[lightning hits Phil]''  Okay. :'''Young Hercules''': You mean you'll do it? :'''Phil''': You win. :'''Young Hercules''': You won't be sorry, Phil. :'''Phil''': Oh, gods. :'''Young Hercules''': So when do we start? Can we start now? :'''Phil''': Oy, vey. ''[singing]'': I'd given up hope that someone would come along. A fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong. The kind who wins trophies, won't settle for low fees, at least semi-pro fees, but no, I get the greenhorn! I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone. Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn. But you need an advisor, A satyr, but wiser, A good merchandiser and-- whoa! There goes my ulcer! I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you, 'though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true. I trained enough turkeys, who never came through! You're my only last hope, so you'll have to do. ''[spoken]'' Rule #6: When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care. ''[Hercules falls into water]'' No! Rule #95, kid: Concentrate! Rule #96: Aim! ''[singing]'' Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery. Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery. To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art. Like painting a masterpiece it's a work of heart. It takes more then sinew, comes down to what's in you. You have to continue, to grow! :''[Hercules is an adult now]'' :'''Phil''': ''[spoken]'' Now that's more like it! ''[singing]'' I'm down to one last shot and my last high note, before that blasted underworld gets my goat. My dreams are on you, kid. Go make 'em come true! Climb that uphill slope! Keep pushing that envelope! You're my one last hope. And, kids, it's up to you! Yeah! :'''Hercules''': Did you see that? Next stop, Olympus. :'''Phil''': All right, just take it easy, champ. :'''Hercules''': I am ready, I want to get off this island. I want to see battles and monsters! Rescue some damsels... You know, heroic stuff. :'''Phil''': Well— :'''Hercules''': Aw, come on, Phil! :'''Phil''': Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid. We're going to Thebes! :'''Hercules''': Yahoo! ''[now flying on Pegasus]'' So, what's in Thebes? :'''Phil''': A lot of problems. It's a big tough town, good place to start building a rep. ''[They hear a woman screaming.]'' Sounds like your basic D.I.D. - Damsel In Distress. :'''Hercules''': Hyah! ''[They land and see Meg chased by a monster centaur.]'' :'''Nessus''': Not so fast, sweetheart. :'''Meg''': I swear, Nessus. Put me down or I'll— :'''Nessus''': Whoo! I like 'em fiery! :''[In the bushes, Hercules gets angry, while Phil instructs.]'' :'''Phil''': Now remember, kid. First, analyze the situation. Don't just barrel in there without thinking. Eh? ''[Hercules already walks to Nessus and Megara anyway.]'' He's losin' points for this! :'''Meg''': You don't know what you're— :'''Hercules''': Halt! :''[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]'' :'''Nessus''': ''[looms over him]'' Step aside, two-legs. :'''Hercules''': Pardon me, my good, uh...sir, but I demand you release that young... :'''Meg''': Keep moving, junior. :'''Hercules''': ...lady. But you... aren't you... a damsel in distress? :'''Meg''': I'm a ''damsel''. I'm in ''distress.'' I can handle this. Have a nice day. :'''Hercules''': Uh-- *ahem* Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be too close to the situation to realize-- ''[he takes his sword out and Nessus immediately hits him so he flies away]'' :'''Phil''': Ohhh! What are you doin'? Get your sword! :'''Hercules''': ''[searching in water]'' Sword. Right, right.. Rule #15: A hero is only as good as his weapon! :''[He picks up a fish and directs it at Nessus. Nessus laugh and Megara looks bored. Nessus then hits Hercules with a fist and Hercules flies away again]'' :'''Phil''': ''[groans and tells to Pegasus who rushes to help]'' Whoa! Hold it! Hold on! He's gotta do it on his own. Come on, kid! Concentrate! Use your head! :'''Hercules''': Oh... ''[He surges forward and socks Nessus with his head. Nessus flies away]'' :'''Phil''': All right! Not bad, kid. Not exactly what I had in mind, but not bad. ''[Meg gets up from water and coughs]'' :'''Hercules''': Oh, gee, Miss, I'm I'm really sorry. :'''Meg''': Oh. :'''Hercules''': That was dumb. :'''Meg''': Yeah. ''[Nessus runs in again]'' :'''Hercules''': Excuse me. ''[He attacks Nessus, hits his head several times, and throws him]'' :'''Phil''': Nice work! Excellente! :'''Meg''': Is Wonderboy here for real? :'''Phil''': What are you talking about? Of course he's real... ''[notices Meg]'' Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks, I am real too. ''[Phil gets on Megara's lap, but she pushes him into water]'' :'''Meg''': Ugh. ''[meanwhile, Hercules ride on Nessus]'' :'''Hercules''': ''[like a cowboy]'' Yee-hah! Yahoo! ''[He finishes Nessus in a spectacular fight]'' How was that, Phil? :'''Phil''': Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathlons, but this is the big leagues! :'''Hercules''': ''[sighs]'' At least I beat him. Didn't I? :'''Phil''': Next time, don't let your guard down because of a pair of big goo-goo eyes! D-oh! It's like I keep tellin' ya. You gotta stay focused, and you-- ''[Hercules walks up to Meg]'' :'''Hercules''': Are you, uh, all right, Miss, uh— :'''Meg''': Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So, did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorials? :'''Hercules''': Uh, I'm, um, uh— :'''Meg''': Are you always that articulate? ''[she turns to leave]'' :'''Hercules''': Hercules. my-- *ahem* My name is Hercules. :'''Meg''': Hercules, huh? I think I prefer Wonderboy. :'''Hercules''': So, uh, how-how-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh— :'''Meg''': Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think that "no" means "yes" and "get lost" means "take me, I'm yours". Don't worry, Shorty here can explain it to ya later. ''[Phil growls]'' Well, thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice. :'''Hercules''': Wait! Um.. can we give you a ride? ''[Pegasus snorts, whinnies, and jumps to a high branch]'' :'''Meg''': Uh, I don't think your Pinto likes me very much. :'''Hercules''': Pegasus? Oh, no, don't be silly. He'd be more than happy to-- ow! ''[Pegasus drops an apple on Hercules' head]'' :'''Meg''': I'll be all right. I'm a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything. Bye-bye Wonderboy. :'''Hercules''': Bye... She's something, isn't she, Phil? :'''Phil''': Yeah, oh yeah, she's really something. A real pain in the patella! Earth to Herc! Come in, Herc! Come in, Herc! We got a job to do, remember? Thebes is still waitin'. :'''Hercules''': Yeah. Yeah. I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meg walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a gopher]'' :'''Meg''': Aw, how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park. :'''Pain''': ''[as a bunny]'' Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny. :'''Panic''': ''[as a gopher]'' And I'm his gopher. :'''Pain and Panic''': Ta-dah! ''[they turn into themselves]'' :'''Meg''': I thought I smelled a rat. :'''Hades''': Meg. :'''Meg''': Speak of the devil. :'''Hades''': Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river guardian-less. :'''Meg''': I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse. :'''Hades''': Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot. :'''Meg''': Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules. :'''Panic''': Hercules. Why does that name ring a bell? :'''Pain''': I dunno. Maybe we owe money? :'''Hades''': What… was that name… again? :'''Meg''': Hercules. He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute. :'''Pain''': Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to... :'''Pain and Panic''': '''''<big>OH MY GODS!!!</big>''''' :'''Pain''': Run for it! :'''Hades''': So you "took care of him", huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your '''''exact''''' words?! :'''Pain''': This might be a different Hercules. :'''Panic''': Yeah, I mean Hercules is a ''[Hades angrily chokes him]'' very popular name nowadays. :'''Pain''': Remember like a few years ago-every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney? :'''Hades''': I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one '''<big>SCHLEMIEL... WHO CAN LOUSE IT UP...IS WALTZING AROUND... ''IN THE WOODS!''</big>''' :''[Hades literally explodes with rage, burning down the entire forest. Meg ducks down from the incoming blaze, and he also starts panting]'' :'''Pain''': Wait. Wait, big guy. We can still cut in on his waltzing. :'''Panic''': That's right. And we made him mortal, that's a good thing. Didn't we? :'''Hades''': Hmm. Fortunately, for the three of you, we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no foul-ups. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile, Hercules and Phil are flying on Pegasus, as they reach the city of Thebes like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''' and '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]'''.]'' :'''Hercules''': Wow! Is that all one town? :'''Phil''': One town. A million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The big olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. ''[They enter the city.]'' Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place. ''[They almost get hit by a passing carriage.]'' :'''Driver''': Look where you're goin' numbskull! :'''Phil''': Hey, I'm walkin' here! You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you- wackos. :'''Man''': Pita bread, pita bread, get your pita bread here! :'''Smuggler''': Hey, Mack. ''[he opens his coat at Phil and Hercules]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Smuggler''': You wanna buy a sundial? :'''Phil''': He's not interested, all right? Come on, kid. :'''Man''': The end is coming! Can't you feel it? :'''Phil''': Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes. We'll ponder that for a while. ''[to Hercules]'' Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts. That's because they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered. :''[At a fountain nearby, a group of people are discussing the city's problems.]'' :'''Lumpy Woman''': It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire :'''Burnt Man''': Everything except old Snowball here. ''[Snowball, a now black, and electrically shocked kitten cat, meows.]'' :'''Tall Thebian''': Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake? :'''Thin Woman''': They were after the earthquake, I remember. :'''Lumpy Woman''': But before the flood. :'''Old Man''': Don't even get me started on the crime rate. :'''Lumpy woman''': Thebes has certainly gone downfall in a hurry. :'''Old Man''': Tell me about it. It seems like every time I turn around there's some new monster wreaking havoc and I— :'''Burnt Man''': All we need now is a plague or locusts. :''[A locust hops in and cricket chirps, scaring everybody.]'' :'''Old Man''': That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta! :'''Hercules''': ''[arriving up to them]'' Excuse me. It, uh *ahem*, seems to me that what you folks need is a hero. :'''Tall Thebian''': ''[skeptically]'' Yeah, and who are you? :'''Hercules''': I'm Hercules, and, uh, I happen to be... a hero.  :''[crowd laughs]'' :'''Old Man''': Is that so? :'''Thin Woman''': A hero! :'''Old Man''': Have you ever saved a town before? :'''Hercules''': Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but I— :'''Tall Thebian''': Have you ever reversed a natural disaster? :'''Hercules''': Well, uh... no. :'''Tall Thebian''': Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser. This we need. :'''Thin Woman''': That's a laugh. :'''Phil''': Don't you pea brains get it?! This kid is the genuine article! :'''Burnt Man''': Hey, isn't that goat man who trained Achilles? :'''Phil''': Watch it, pal. :'''Tall Thebian''': Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot! :'''Phil''': You… I got your heel RIGHT HERE! I'll wipe that STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR FACE! '''''<big>YOU LARBUTT!</big>''''' :'''Hercules''': Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil! Phil. :'''Tall Thebian''': What are you crazy?! Sheesh. :'''Lumpy Woman''': Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur. :'''Hercules''': No, wait! Stop! How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance? :'''Phil''': You'll get your chance; you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster. :'''Meg''': Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident! :'''Hercules''': Meg? :'''Phil''': Speaking of disasters. :'''Meg''': Wonderboy! Hercules! Thank goodness! :'''Hercules''': Wha-What's wrong? :'''Meg''': Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge. There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide! They're trapped! :'''Hercules''': Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great! :'''Meg''': You are really choked up about this, aren't ya? :'''Hercules''': Come on! :'''Meg''': No, you don't understand. I have this terrible fear of '''HEIGHTS'''! :'''Phil''': I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo, I'm way behind ya. I've got a fur wedgie. :''[Hercules and Meg land, and Hercules dismounts from Pegasus.]'' :'''Hercules''': Are you okay? :'''Meg''': I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery. :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Help! I can't breathe! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' Hurry! :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Get us out! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' We're suffocating! Somebody call IX-I-I! :'''Hercules''': Easy, fellas, you'll be all right. :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' We can't last much longer! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' Get us out before we get crushed! :''[Hercules raises a huge boulder. Kids run out from under it and the crowd cheers lightly]'' :'''Hercules''': How you boys doin'? :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' We're okay now :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Jeepers, mister, you are really strong! :'''Hercules''': ''[still holding the stone]'' Well, try to be a little more careful next time, okay, kids? :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' We sure will! ''[they run away, up the slope and face Hades]'' :'''Hades''': A stirring performance, boys. I was really moved. :'''Panic''': "Jeepers, Mister" ? :'''Pain''': I was going for innocence. :'''Hades''': And, hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady. ''[looking at Meg]'' What a dish. What a doll. :'''Meg''': ''[quietly]'' Get outta there, you big lug, while you still can. :'''Hercules''': Phil, I did great. They even applauded, sort of. :''[Growling sound begins]'' :'''Phil''': Huh! I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause. :''[Hydra appears]'' :'''Hercules''': Ph-ph-ph-phil? What do you call that thing? :'''Phil''': TWO WORDS! AMSCRAY!! :'''Hades''': Let's get ready to rumble! :''[Hydra and Hercules start fighting]'' :'''Phil''': That's it. Dance around! Dance around! Watch the teeth. Watch the teeth. Keep going. Come on. Come on. Lead with your left. Lead with your left! You're other left!! :''[Finally Hercules slices the head of Hydra off. Crowd cheers.]'' :'''Phil''': All right! All right! You are bad! Okay! :'''Hercules''': See, Phil? That-- That wasn't so hard. ''[He drops sword and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Phil''': Kid, kid, kid, how many horns do ya see? :'''Hercules''': Six? :'''Phil''': Eh, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up. :''[Above on Hades' watching perch, Panic shivers and gulps.]'' :'''Hades''': Guys, guys, relax. It's only halftime. :''[Below, Hercules and Phil hear rumbling from Hydra's body.]'' :'''Phil''': That doesn't sound good. ''[Hydra gets three new heads]'' Definitely not good! :''[Hercules on Pegasus fights with Hydra and keeps slicing his heads off, getting more and more new ones]'' :'''Phil''': '''''<big>WILL YOU FORGET THAT HEAD-SLICING THING?</big>''''' :''[Hercules gets knocked off Pegasus and falls among heads and necks of Hydra]'' :'''Hercules''': Phil, I don't think we covered this one in basic training! :''[Hercules escapes, but falls back from the cliff and is now pressed against the wall by Hydra's paw]'' :'''Hades''': My favorite part of the game: sudden death. :''[Hercules crushes the rock on Hydra and gets buried under rocks himself too.]'' :'''Phil''': Oh! There goes another one. Just like Achilles. :'''Hades''': ''[lighting himself a cigar]'' Game. Set. Match. :''[Hercules appears from Hydra's dead paw. Crowd cheers really loud now.]'' :'''Hercules''': Phil, you gotta admit, that was pretty heroic. :'''Phil''': Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! You won by a landslide! :''[Above, Hades turns a bright shade of red, destroying his cigar and pinches his minions' eye sockets.]'' :'''Panic''': ''[in pain]'' Hades mad. :'''Meg''': Well. What do ya know? :''[Cut to Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': ''[spoken]'' From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool. Oh, yeah! ''[singing]'' Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll :'''Thalia''': Person of the week, in every Greek opinion poll :'''Terpsichore''': What a pro! :'''Calliope''': Herc could stop a show, point him at a monster and you're talkin' S.R.O. He was a no one! :'''Muses''': A zero, a zero :'''Calliope''': Now he's a honcho! :'''Muses''': He's a hero! :'''Calliope''': He was a kid with his act down pat! :'''Muses''': Zero to hero in no time flat! Zero to hero! :'''Calliope''': Just like that! :'''Muses''': When he smiled the girls went wild! With oohs and aahs! :'''Thalia''': And they slapped his face, on every vase! :'''Clio''': On every "Vahse"! :'''Muses''': From appearance fees and royalties. Our Herc had cash to burn. Now nouveau riche and famous. :'''Calliope''': He could tell you what's a Grecian urn :'''Muses''': Say amen! There he goes again :'''Melpomene''': Sweet and undefeated. And an awesome ten for ten. :'''Muses''': Folks lined up just to watch him flex :'''Thalia''': And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs :'''Muses''': Hercie, he comes, he sees, he conquers. Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers. He showed the moxie brains and spunk -- yeah! From zero to hero :'''Thalia''': A major hunk :'''Muses''': Zero to hero :'''Calliope''': And who'd have thunk... Who put the glad in gladiator? :'''Muses''': Hercules! :'''Melpomene''': Who's darin' deeds are great theater? :'''Muses''': Hercules! :'''Melpomene''': Is he bold? :'''Male Chorus''': No one braver! :'''Terpsichore''': Is he sweet? :'''Muses''': Our favorite flavor! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll. Undefeated. Riding high. :'''Calliope''': And the nicest guy :'''Muses''': Not conceited. He was a nothing, zero, zero. Now he's a honcho, he's our hero! He hit the heights at breakneck speed. From zero to hero. Herc is a hero. Now he's a hero. :'''Calliope''': Yes, indeed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hades practices shooting at targets]'' :'''Hades''': Pull! :'''Meg''': Nice shooting, Rex. :'''Hades''': I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even- What... are... ''those?'' :'''Pain''': Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing. :'''Hades''': ''[angrily; losing patience; temper tantrum]'' I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, '''<big>and you… are wearing… ''HIS… MERCHANDISE?!''</big>''' :''[Suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking Hercules soda cup]'' :'''Panic''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' Uh, thirsty? :'''Hades''': '''''<big>GAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!</big>''' [blasts them]'' :'''Meg''': Looks like your game's over. Wonderboy is hitting every curve you throw at him. :'''Hades''': Oh yeah... I wonder if maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him. Meg, my sweet. :'''Meg''': Don't even go there. :'''Hades''': See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness I mean for what? Pandora, it was the box thing, for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? We simply need to find out Wonderboy's. :'''Meg''': I've done my part. Get your little imps— :'''Hades''': They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need someone who can... handle him as a man. :'''Meg''': Hey, I've sworn off manhandling. :'''Hades''': Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into the jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh? :'''Meg''': Look, I learned my lesson, okay? :'''Hades''': Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down wonder breath and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Temple of Zeus]'' :'''Hercules''': You should have been there, father! I mangled the minotaur, grappled with the Gorgon, Just like Phil told me, I analyzed the situation, controlled my strength and kicked! The crowds went wild! Thank you, thank you. :'''Zeus''': Hah! You're doin' great, son. You're doin' your old man proud. :'''Hercules''': I am glad to hear you say that, father. I've been waiting for this day a long time. :'''Zeus''': Hmm.. What day is that, son? :'''Hercules''': The day I rejoin the gods. :'''Zeus''': You've done wonderfully, you really have, my boy. You're just not there yet. You haven't proved yourself a true hero. :'''Hercules''': But father, I've beaten every single monster I've come up against. I'm-I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm-- I'm an action figure! :'''Zeus''': I'm afraid being famous isn't the same as being a true hero. :'''Hercules''': What more can I do? :'''Zeus''': It's something you have to discover for yourself. :'''Hercules''': But how can I-- :'''Zeus''': Look inside your heart. :'''Hercules''': Father, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the city, a carriage passes past rich gates]'' :'''Guide''': On your left is Hercules' villa. My next stop is the Pecs and Flex gift shop where you can pick up the Great Hero's 30-minute workout scroll "Buns of Bronze." :''[Inside the villa, Hercules is posing for a picture on a vase, dressed in the skin of the lion Scar from [[w:The Lion King|Disney's The Lion King]]]'' :'''Phil''': At 1:00 you got a meeting with king Augeas. He's got a problem with his stables. I'd advise you not to wear your new sandals. :'''Hercules''': Phil? :'''Artist''': I told you, don't move! :'''Phil''': D.G.R., the Daughters of the Greek Revolution :'''Hercules''': Phil? :'''Phil''': At 3:00, you gotta get a girdle from some amazons. :'''Hercules''': ''[dropping club and shield]'' Phil, what's the point? :''[The artist, now furious, gives out a loud yell]'' :'''Artist''': '''<big>YAIEEEEE! THAT'S IT!!</big>''' :'''Phil''': Keep your toga on, pal. :''[Artist throws the paints on Phil, making him look like a clown and leaves]'' :'''Phil''': What do you mean, "what's the point?" You wanna go to Olympus, don't ya? :'''Hercules''': Yeah, but this stuff doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. :''[He throws the skin of Scar to Phil]'' :'''Phil''': ''[wiping the paint off his face with it]'' You can't give up now, I'm counting on ya'. :'''Hercules''': I gave this everything I had. :'''Phil''': Listen to me, kid. I seen 'em all. And I am tellin' you - and this is the honest-to-Zeus truth - you got somethin' I never seen before. :'''Hercules''': Really? :'''Phil''': I can feel it right down to these stubby bow legs of mine. There is nothin' you can't do, kid. :''[Door opens and fan girls scream]'' :'''Fan girls''': It's him! :'''Phil''': Hey, watch it! Watch it! Watch— :'''Fan girls''': I touched his elbow! I got his sweatband! :'''Hercules''': Phil, help! :'''Phil''': Okay, escape plan beta. :'''Hercules''': Gotcha. :''[Phil blows whistle, fan girls look at him for a moment and Hercules disappears]'' :'''Fan girls''': Hey! Where is he? :'''Phil''': There he goes! On the verranda! :''[Girls run away, Phil too, but when door closes, Meg appears from behind it, she walks and sees Hercules' toes under a curtain]'' :'''Meg''': Let's see, what could be behind curtain number one? :'''Hercules''': Meg! :'''Meg''': It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed. :'''Hercules''': Gee, I-I-It's great to see you. I-I-I missed you. :'''Meg''': ''[dropping on a couch]'' So, this is what heroes do on their days off :'''Hercules''': I am no hero. :'''Meg''': Sure you are. Everybody in Greece thinks you're the greatest thing since they put the pocket in pita. :'''Hercules''': ''[chuckles]'' I know. It's-it's crazy you know, I can't go anywhere without being mobbed, I mean— :'''Meg''': Ah. You sound like you could use a break. Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon? :'''Hercules''': Oh gee. I-I don't know, uh, Phil's got the rest of the day pretty much booked. :'''Meg''': Ah, Phil, Schmill.. Just follow me. Out the window, round the dumbbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Evening, outdoors]'' :'''Hercules''': Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay, :'''Meg''': Mmm. :'''Hercules''': and then that, that play, that, that Oedipus thing. Man! I thought I had problems. :''[Both chuckle and such, two little birds sitting near turn into Pain and Panic to speak to Meg]'' :'''Panic''': Psst! Stop foolin' around! :'''Pain''': Yeah. Get the goods, sister. :''[Hercules turns back and they turn into birst and tweet innocently]'' :'''Hercules''': I didn't know that playing hooky could be so much fun. :'''Meg''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Hercules''': Thanks, Meg. :'''Meg''': Oh.. Don't that me just yet. Oh! ''[She falls into Hercules' arms]'' :'''Hercules''': Oops, careful. :'''Meg''': Sorry. Weak ankles. :'''Hercules''': Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you better sit down for a while. ''[carries her on a bench and they sit down]'' :'''Meg''': So, uh, do you have any problems with things like.. this? ''[She stretched her leg and holds her foot right before Hercules' face]'' :'''Hercules''': Uh..... :'''Meg''': Weak ankles, I mean. :'''Hercules''': Oh. Uh, no. Not really. :'''Meg''': ''[moving closer to him]'' No weaknesses whatsoever? No trick knee? :'''Hercules''': Uh— :'''Meg''': ''[moving even more close]'' Ruptured... disks? :'''Hercules''': No. I'm I'm afraid I'm, uh.. fit as a fiddle. ''[He finally stands up from the bench]'' :'''Meg''': Wonderboy, you are perfect. :'''Hercules''': Thanks. ''[He sends a coin jumping on a water in a fountain and it breaks the arms off the statue of Venus]'' Whoops. :'''Meg''': It looks better that way. No, it really does. :'''Hercules''': You know, when I was a kid I, I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else. :'''Meg''': You wanted to be petty and dishonest? :'''Hercules''': Everybody's not like that. :'''Meg''': Yes, they are. :'''Hercules''': You're not like that :'''Meg''': How do you know what I'm like? :'''Hercules''': All I know is.. You're the most amazing person with... weak ankles I've ever met. ''[Meg steps back and gets pricked on an arrow of a tiny statue of Amur]'' Meg, when I'm with you I-I don't feel so... alone. :'''Meg''': Sometimes it's better to be alone. :'''Hercules''': What do you mean? :'''Meg''': Nobody can hurt you. :'''Hercules''': Meg? I would never ever hurt you. :'''Meg''': And I don't wanna hurt you, so... let's both do ourselves a favor and.. stop this... um.. before... we-- :''[Their lips met for the kiss, but the moment before it happens bright light flashes into their eyes. It is Phil, on Pegasus, impersonating police helicopter]'' :'''Phil''': All right! Break it up! Break it up! Party's over! I been lookin' all over this town! :'''Meg''': Calm down, mutton man! It was all my fault. :'''Phil''': You're already on my list, sister, so don't make it worse :''[Pegasus snorts at Meg, she snorts back, turning the light off]'' :'''Phil''': And as for you, ya bum, you're gonna go to the stadium and you're gonna be put through the workout of your life! Now get on the horse. :'''Hercules''': Okay, okay. :'''Meg''': I'm sorry. :'''Hercules''': Ah, he'll get over it. :''[He bends a huge tree casually and picks a flower off it, gives it to Meg and kisses her in the cheek]'' :'''Phil''': Move! Move, move, move, move, move! Move! ''[on Pegasus]'' Whoo! Ya-eee! Hey, watch it, watch it! Whoo!  Watch it! Keep your goo-goo eyes on the- ''[A branch finally hits Phil and he falls on the ground]'' That's it. Next time, I drive. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meg sits alone and smells the flower]'' :'''Meg''': Oh. what's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would learn. ''[singing]'' If there's a prize for rotten judgement. I guess I've already won that. No man is worth the aggravation. That's ancient history been there, done that! :'''Muses''': Who d'ya think you're kidding? He's the Earth and Heaven to you. Try to keep it hidden, honey, We can see right through you :'''Meg''': Oh, No :'''Muses''': Girl, you can't conceal it. We know how you feel and who you're thinkin' of? :'''Meg''': Oh-no, no chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no :'''Muses''': You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh-oh? :'''Meg''': It's too cliche, I won't say I'm in love :'''Muses''': Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, oo-oo-oo :'''Meg''': I thought my heart had learned its lesson. It feels so good when you start out... :'''Muses''': Ahhh.. :'''Meg''': My head is screaming get a grip, girl. Unless you're dyin' to cry your heart, oh :'''Muses''': You keep on denying. Who you are and how you're feelin'. Baby, we're not buyin' hon, We saw you hit the ceilin'. Face it like a grownup. When you gonna own up that you. Got Got Got it bad :'''Meg''': Oh, no chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no :'''Muses''': Give up, but give in, Check the grin, you're in love :'''Meg''': This scene won't play, I won't say I'm in love :'''Muses''': You're doing flips, read our lips. You're in love shoo-doo, shoo-doo :'''Meg''': You're way off base, I won't say it (Muses: She won't say in love) Get off my case, I won't say it :'''Muses''': Girl, don't be proud, it's okay, you're in love :'''Meg''': Oh.. At least at loud. I won't say I'm in love... :'''Muses''': Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la Haaa <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Hey, what's the buzz, huh, Meg? What is the weak link in the Wonderboy's chain? :'''Meg''': Get yourself another girl, I'm through. :'''Hades''': I'm sorry. Do you mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something. :'''Meg''': Then read my lips. Forget it. :'''Hades''': Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail? '''''<big>I OWN YOU!!</big>''''' :'''Phil''': Oh. I got another horn here... :'''Hades''': ''[to Meg] '''<big>YOU WORK FOR ME!</big>''''' :'''Phil''': That kid's gonna be doin' laps for a month. :'''Hades''': If I say, "sing", you say, "hey, name that tune" If I say, "I want Wonderboy's head on a platter" you say— :'''Meg''': Medium or well done. :'''Phil''': Oh! I knew that dame was trouble. This is gonna break the kid's heart. :'''Meg''': I'll work on that. :''[Phil runs away]'' :'''Hades''': I'm sorry... You hear that sound? That's the sound of your freedom fluttering out the window forever. :'''Meg''': I don't care. I'm not gonna help you hurt him. :'''Hades''': I can't believe you're getting so worked up about some guy. :'''Meg''': This one is different. He's honest, and-and he's sweet— :'''Hades''': Please. :'''Meg''': He would never do anything to hurt me. :'''Hades''': He's a guy. :'''Meg''': Besides, oh, oneness, you can't beat him. He has no weaknesses, he's gonna— :'''Hades''': I think he does, Meg. I truly think he does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the stadium, Hercules is doing exercises]'' :'''Hercules''': Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! Hey, Phil! What happened to you? :'''Phil''': Kid, we gotta talk. :'''Hercules''': Oh, Phil, I just had the greatest day of my life! I-I can't stop thinking about Meg. She's something else. :'''Phil''': Kid, I'm tryin' to talk to ya! Will you come down here and listen? :'''Hercules''': Aw, how can I come down there when I'm feeling so <big>UP!!</big> ''[jumps up into clouds]'' :''[Meanwhile a Pegasus mare appears and makes Pegasus follow her. In a pen, the mare splits in two parts which turn into Pain and Panic]'' :'''Pain''': Gotcha! :''[back on the stadium]'' :'''Phil''': Ah, very nice! What I'm trying to say is— :'''Hercules''': That if it wasn't for you, I never would have met her. Oh, I owe ya big time. Little guy, I do. :'''Phil''': Will you just knock it off for a couple of seconds? :'''Hercules''': Rule #38, Come on, Phil, keep them up there, huh? Phil, I got two words for ya: Duck! :'''Phil''': Listen to me! She's— :'''Hercules''': A dream come true? :'''Phil''': Not exactly. :'''Hercules''': More beautiful then Aphrodite? :'''Phil''': Aside from that! :'''Hercules''': The most wonderful— :'''Phil''': '''''<big>SHE'S A FRAUD!</big>''''' She's been playing you for a sap! :'''Hercules''': Oh, come on, stop kidding around. :'''Phil''': I'm NOT kidding around! :'''Hercules''': I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to- :'''Phil''': Kid, you're missing the point! :'''Hercules''': Point is: I LOVE her. :'''Phil''': She don't love ''you''! :'''Hercules''': You're crazy! :'''Phil''': She's nothing but a two-timin'- :'''Hercules''': '''<big>STOP IT!</big>''' :'''Phil''': -no good, LYIN, SCHEMING- :'''Hercules''': ''[suddenly turns around and accidentally slaps Phil]'' '''''<big>SHUT UP!</big>''''' Phil, I… I didn't mean… Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. :'''Phil''': Okay. Okay, that's it. You won't face the truth? Fine. :'''Hercules''': Phil, wait. Where are you going? :'''Phil''': I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home. :'''Hercules''': FINE! Go! I don't- I don't need you. :'''Phil''': I thought you were going to be the all-time champ. Not the all-time chump. :''[Hades appears]'' :'''Hades''': Geez, Louise. What's got his goat, huh? Baboom. My name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doing? :'''Hercules''': Not now, okay. :'''Hades''': Hey, wait, I only need a few seconds, and I'm a fast learner, right? You see, I've had this major deal in the works... a real estate venture, if you will. And Herc, you little devil, you, may I call you Herc? You seem to be constantly getting in the way of things, right? :'''Hercules''': You have the wrong guy. :'''Hades''': COME HERE, YOU LITTLE- heh-heh. Just hear me out, okay? Well, I would be eternally grateful if you would just take a day off from this hero business of yours. Jeez, I mean monsters, natural disasters. Phew. You wait a day? :'''Hercules''': You're out of your mind. :'''Hades''': Not so fast, because, ya see I have this one, a little leverage, you might wanna know about. :'''Hercules''': Meg! :'''Meg''': Don't listen, Herc– :'''Hercules''': Let her go! :'''Hades''': Here's the trade-off. You give up your strength for about 24 hours, alright? Say the next 24 hours and Meg here is free as a bird and safe from harm. We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. Whaddya say? C'mon. :'''Hercules''': People are gonna get hurt, aren't they? :'''Hades''': Nah. I mean, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, y'know, it's war - but what can I tell ya? Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh? Isn't Meg - little smoochy face - isn't she more important than they are? :'''Hercules''': Stop it! :'''Hades''': Isn't she?! :'''Hercules''': You gonna swear she'll be safe from any harm. :'''Hades''': Fine, okay, I'll give ya that one. Meg is safe, otherwise you get your strength right back, yadda-yadda, fine print, boiler plate, baboom. Alright? We're done. Whaddya say we shake on it? Hey, I really don't have, like, time to bat this around. I'm kind of on a schedule here, I have plans for August, alright? I need a response, like, now. Going once, going twice... :'''Hercules''': Alright. :'''Hades''': Yes, we're there! ''[they shake hands and Hercules' strength drains from him]'' You may feel just a little queasy, it's kinda natural. Perhaps you should sit '''''DOWN!''''' Now you know how it feels to be just like everybody else. Isn't it just peachy? Oh! You'll love this - one more thing. Meg... babe. A deal's a deal. You're off the hook. By the way, Herc. Is she not, like, a famous little actress? :'''Meg''': Stop it. :'''Hercules''': What do you mean? :'''Hades''': I mean your little chickie-poo here was working for me all the time. ''[sticking out his tongue in obviousness]'' Duh. :'''Hercules''': You're-You're lying! :''[Hades motions towards Pain and Panic, who are disguised as the boys again as if to say "Am I? Am I Really?"]'' :'''Panic''': ''[as a boy]'' Help! ''[Coughs]'' :'''Pain''': ''[as another boy]'' Jeepers, mister, you're really strong! :''[They turn back themselves and start laughing at him]'' :'''Hades''': ''[to Meg]'' Couldn't have done it with you, sugar, sweetheart, babe. :'''Meg''': ''[to Hercules]'' No, it's not like that! I didn't mean to- I-I couldn't… I-I'm so sorry. :'''Pain and Panic''': ''[singing while taunting Hercules]'' Our hero's a zero! Our hero's a zero! :''[Meg starts to cry in regret]'' :'''Hades''': Well, gotta blaze. There's a whole cosmos up there waiting for me with, hey, my name on it. So much for the preliminaries, and now onto the main event! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who… put you… down there?! :'''Titans''': '''''<big>ZEUS!</big>''''' :'''Hades''': '''''<big>AND NOW THAT I SET YOU FREE, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU ARE GOING TO DO?!</big>''''' :'''Titans''': '''''<big>DESTROY HIM!</big>''''' :'''Hades''': Good answer. :'''Lythos''': Crush Zeus! :'''Hydros''': Freeze him! :'''Pyros''': Melt Zeus! :'''Stratos''': Blow him away! :'''Titans''': Zeus! :'''Hades''': Uh, Guys? :'''Titans''': Huh? :'''Hades''': Olympus would be that way. :'''Lythos''': Zeus! :'''Hydros''': Freeze him! :'''Hades''': Hold it, bright eye. :'''Cyclops''': Huh? :'''Hades''': I have a special job for you, my optic friend. :''[Olympus. Hermes sees the titans first]'' :'''Hermes''': Ah. Huh? :'''Lythos''': Destroy Zeus! :'''Hermes''': Oh, we're in trouble! Oh, big trouble! I gotta-- ''[he zooms to Olympus]'' My Lord and Lady, the Titans have escaped. And they're practically at our gates! :'''Zeus''': Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counterattack! Go! Go! :'''Hermes''': Gone, babe. :''[Gods prepare to war]'' :'''Ares''': Charge! :'''Apollo''': On to battle! :'''Zeus''': ''[throwing lightnings at Lythos in vain]'' Yee-hah! :'''Ares''': ''[getting sucked in by Stratos]'' You windbag! :'''Hades''': ''[watching this]'' Boom, badda-boom, boom, boom! Hah! :''[Meanwhile, the Cyclops, under Hades's orders, looks for Hercules, causing destruction and mayhem in Thebes]'' :'''Cyclops''': Hercules! Where are you? :'''Thin woman''': What can we do? :'''Tall Thebian''': Where's Hercules? :'''Old Man''': Yeah, Hercules'll save us. :'''Cyclops''': Hercules! Come out! Face me! :'''Meg''': ''[to Hercules who starts going]'' What are you doing? Without your strength, you'll be killed. :'''Hercules''': There are worse things. :'''Cyclops''': Run! :'''Meg''': Wait! stop! :'''Tall Thebian''': Hey, look! It's Hercules. :'''Lumpy Woman''': Thank the gods, we're saved! :'''Cyclops''': So, you mighty Hercules. :''[He hits Hercules who flies away and hits a mosaic of himself. Meanwhile Meg finds Pegasus tied up in the stables]'' :'''Meg''': Easy, horsefeathers. Whoa! Stop twitching, listen. Ah! Hercules is in trouble. We gotta find Phil, he's the only one who can talk some sense into him. ''[screams]'' :''[Meanwhile on Olympus, battle between Zeus and the Titans goes on]'' :'''Zeus''': Get back, blast you! :''[Lythos smashes the gates of Olympus open]'' :'''Hades''': Ooh, Chihuahua. :'''Lythos''': Zeus! :''[Phil is going to leave Thebes and is walking to a boat]'' :'''Sailor''': Come on! Hurry up! We're shovin' off here! :'''Meg''': Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help! :'''Phil''': What does he need me for when he's got friends like you? :'''Meg''': He won't listen to me. :'''Phil''': Good! He's finally learned something. :'''Meg''': Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about him. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die. :''[Meanwhile on Olympus... and back to Thebes as the Cyclops tosses Hercules and plays with him]'' :'''Zeus''': '''''<big>I NEED MORE THUNDERBOLTS!</big>''''' :'''Hermes''': Hephaestus has been captured, my Lord. Everyone's been captured. ''[Pain and Panic get him]'' I've been captured! Hey, hey! Watch the glasses. :'''Hades''': Zeusy, I'm home. :'''Zeus''': Hades, '''''<big>YOU'RE BEHIND THIS!?</big>''''' :'''Hades''': You are correct, sir! :'''Cyclops''': Flea! :'''Phil''': Hercules! :'''Hercules''': Phil. :'''Phil''': Come on, kid, come on. Fight back. Come on, you can take this bum, This guy's a pushover, look at him. :'''Hercules''': You were right all along, Phil. Dreams are for rookies. :'''Phil''': No, no, no, no, kid, givin' up is for rookies. I came back 'cause I'm not quittin' on ya. I'm willing to go the distance, how 'bout you? :''[Cyclops grabs Hercules, laughing in anticipation to finish him off]'' :'''Cyclops''': Me bite off head! :''[Hercules burns the Cyclops' face with a burning stick]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa, baby! :''[after Hercules defeating the Cyclops, Meg sees a pillar falling]'' :'''Meg:''' Hercules, look out! ''[pushes him out of the way only for her to get crushed beneath it]'' :'''Hercules:''' Meg?! '''''<big>NOOOOOOOOOOOO!</big>''' [raises the pillar, getting his strength back]'' What's happening? :'''Meg:''' Hades' deal is broken. He promised I wouldn't get hurt. :'''Hercules:''' Meg, why… why… why did ya… You didn't have to… :'''Meg:''' People always do crazy things when they're in love. :'''Hercules:''' Oh, Meg. Meg, I… I… :'''Meg:''' Are you always this articulate? You… You haven't got much time. You can still stop Hades. :'''Phil:''' I'll watch over her, kid. :'''Hercules:''' You're gonna be all right. I promise. ''[draws his sword and mounts on Pegasus who flies to Olympus at top-speed]'' Let's go, Pegasus! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Olympus:  Gods in chains]'' :'''Pain''': Hup, two, three, four, come on, everybody! I can't hear you! :'''Hermes''': Oh, oh! :'''Zeus''': ''[being frozen from one side and burnt from another]'' I swear to you, Hades, when I get out of this-- :''[He is finally buried under molten rock]'' :'''Hades''': I'm the one giving orders now, bolt boy. And I think I'm gonna like it here. :'''Hercules''': Don't get too comfortable, Hades! :'''Apollo''': Hercules! :'''Hercules''': This oughta even the odds! ''[He breaks the chain by which the gods were chained]'' :'''Hermes''': ''[Hitting Pain and Panic]'' Yeah, Hercules! Thank you, man! :'''Hades''': Get them! :''[Pyros misses Hercules and covers Hades in molten lava]'' :'''Hades''': Whoa! Hey! No! Get him, not me! Him! Follow the fingers! Him! ''[Ice storm from Hydros who was trying to hit Hercules freezes Hades]'' The yutz with the horse! ''[Hercules opens the stone block and releases Zeus]'' :'''Zeus''': Thank you, my boy. :''[Meanwhile Pegasus chases Pain and Panic]'' :'''Pain''': Nice horsey! My intentions were pure! I really was attracted to you. :'''Hephaestus''': Throw! :'''Zeus''': ''[He catches two bolts of lightning.]'' Hah! Now watch your old man work! :'''Lythos''': Uh-oh. :''[Lightnings explode heads of Lythos, other Titans leave]'' :'''Hades''': Guys, get your titanic rears in gears and kick some Olympian butt! ''[Pegasus blows at Hades' head and blue fire which was his head is out.]'' Whoa is my hair out? :''[Hercules meanwhile catches Stratos and sucks into him Lythos, Hydros, and Pyros. He launches them into the sky where they all explode.]'' :'''Zeus''': ''[high-fiving Hercules]'' Hah! :'''Hercules''': Whoo-hoo! :'''Hades''': ''[leaving]'' Thanks a ton, Wonderboy. But at least, I've got one swell consolation prize -- a friend of yours who's dying to see me. :'''Hercules''': Meg! :''[Atropos cuts the thread of life and Megara is dead]'' :'''Hercules''' ''[arrives to her]'' Meg. Meg, no. :'''Phil''': Oh, I'm sorry, kid. There's some things you just can't change. :'''Hercules''': ''[lifting his eyes, with a determined glare]'' Yes, I can. :''[Down in the Underworld, Hades throws a tantrum over the failure on Olympus. Pain and Panic dodge a blast of fire burning the map table, as the room is now in shreds]'' :'''Hades''': ''[ranting angrily with his head goes fiery red]'' WE WERE SO CLOSE! So close. We tripped at the finish line. Why? Because our little nut, Meg has to go all noble. :'''Hercules''': Where's Meg? :'''Hades''': Oh, look who's here. Wonderboy, you are too much. :'''Hercules''': Let her go. :'''Hades''': Get a grip. Come here, come here. Let me show you around. Hmph. Well, well. [[w:It's a Small World|It's a small underworld after all]], huh? :'''Hercules''': Meg. ''[His hands turn old as he touches the water. When he draws them out, they turn back to normal]'' :'''Hades''': No, no, no. Mustn't touch. You see, Meg's running with a new crowd these days. And not a very lively one, at that. :'''Hercules''': You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place. :'''Hades''': The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death. :'''Hercules''': Going once. :'''Hades''': Is there a downside to this? :'''Hercules''': Going twice. :'''Hades''': Okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out- she goes, you stay. ''[Hercules jumps into the river of death]'' You know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it? :''[Hercules keeps swimming in the river, growing older and older. The Fates hold up his thread of life, and Atropos goes to cut the thread of life, but it suddenly shines, and the scissors can't cut it turning Gold.]'' :'''Lachesis''': What's the matter with these scissors? :'''Clotho''': The thread won't cut. :''[At the same time, Hercules floats out from the river with Meg's soul and climbs up the cliff, holding Meg's soul in his arms, as he shines brightly]'' :'''Hades''': This… this is impossible. You can't be alive, you'd have to be a… :'''Pain and Panic''': A god? :''[Hercules brightly glows as he must have conquered Death, the Underworld's river and Fate itself, regained his godhood by sacrificing himself to save the woman he loves. Hades suffers an anguishing breakdown as he pulls his flaming hair as if he couldn't believe it himself]'' :'''Hades''': Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- ''[Hercules hits him in the face]'' Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... ''[Hercules punches him into the river of death] '''<big>GAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!</big>''' [souls go to grab him]'' Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! :'''Panic''': He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there! :'''Pain''': You mean, ''if'' he gets outta there! :'''Hades''': Taxi! '''TAXI!!!''' :'''Panic''': If. If is good. :'''Hades''': ''[latest words before his disappeared, as the souls pull him down into the abyss]'' I don't feel so good! I—I'm feeling a little... '''''<big>FLUUUUUUUUUUSHED!</big>''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At outside, Hercules brings the soul of Meg and puts it inside her body]'' :'''Meg''': Wonderboy, what-- why did you— :'''Hercules''': Huh. People always do crazy things when they are in love. :''[they go for a kiss, but suddenly a cloud appears under their feet, sent by Zeus, and they fly to Olympus]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Whoo! ''[Pegasus picks him up and brings along]'' :''[The crowd of gods welcome Hercules]'' :'''Apollo''': Three cheers for the mighty Hercules! :'''Hermes''': Oh, yeah! Flowers for everybody! Oh! :'''Hera''': Hercules, we're so proud of you. :'''Hercules''': Mother. :'''Zeus''': Hah! Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero. :'''Hera''': You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman. :'''Zeus''': For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home. :'''Meg''': Congratulations, Wonderboy. You'll make one heck of a god. :'''Hercules''': Father, this is the moment I've always dreamed of. But... a life without Meg, even an immortal life, would be... empty. I wish to stay on Earth with her. I finally know where I belong. :''[Zeus nods, they finally kiss and Hercules stops shining]'' :'''Hermes''': Hit it, ladies! :''[begin Song: A Star Is Born]'' :'''Muses''': Oh, gonna shout it from the mountaintops A star is born! It's the time for pulling out the stops A star is born! Honey, hit us with a hallelu That kid came shining through Girl, sing the song Come blow your horn A star is born! He's a hero who can please the crowd A star is born! Come on, everybody shout out loud A star is born! Just remember in the darkest hour, Within your heart's the power For makin' you A hero too :''[Here the Constellation of Hercules appears]'' :'''Muses''': So don't lose hope When you're forlorn :''[Phil sees the Strong Man pointing at it]'' :'''Tall Thebian''': That's Phil's boy! :'''Muses''': Just keep your eyes Upon the skies Every night, A star is right in sight, A star is burning bright, A star is born A star is born :''[Closing Titles start, song continues]'' :'''Muses''': Like a beacon in the cold dark night / A star is born! / Told ya everything would turn out right / A star is born! / Just when everything was all at sea / The boy made history / The bottom line Bottom line! / He sure can shine He can shine! / His rising sign is Capricorn / He knew how to / He had a clue Telling you / A star is born! :'''Male Chorus''': Here's a hero who can please the crowd :'''Muses''': A star is born! :'''Male Chorus''': Come on, everybody shout out loud :'''Muses''': A star is born! / Just remember in your darkest hour / Within your heart's the power / For making you / A hero too / (A hero too) / So don't lose hope / When you're forlorn / (No, no!) / Just keep your eyes / Upon the skies / Every night, A star is right in sight, A star is burning bright, A star is born! ==MICHAEL BOLTON lyrics (Go the Distance)== ''''I have often dreamed, of a far-off place, where a hero's welcome will be waiting for me.'' ''Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face, and a voice keeps saying "This is where I'm meant to be...!"'' ''I'll be there someday, I can go the distance, I will find my way, If I can be strong.'' ''I know every mile, will be worth my while.'' ''When I go the distance, I'll be right where I...belong.'''' ''''Down an unknown road, to embrace my fate.'' ''Though the road may wander, it will lead me to you.'' ''And a thousand years would be worth the wait.'' ''It might take a lifetime, but somehow I'll see it through.'''' ''''And I won't look back, I can go the distance.'' ''And I'll stay on track. No, I won't accept defeat.'' ''It's an uphill slope, but I won't lose hope.'' ''Till I go the distance and my journey is...complete.'' ''Oh, Yeah!'' ''But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part, for a hero's strength is measured by his heart...'' ''Like a shooting star, I will go the distance.'' ''I will search the world, I will face its harms.'' ''I don't care how far, I can go the distance.'' '''Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in...'' ''Your arms.'' ''''I will search the world, I will face its harms...'' '''Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in...'' ''''Your arms.'' ''[song fades]'' == Taglines== *A Comedy of Epic Proportions *Happy IV of July! *Zero to Hero! *Who puts the GLAD in GLADIATOR? *You can run but you can't Hydra! == Cast == * [[w:Tate Donovan|Tate Donovan]] — Hercules **[[w:Josh Keaton|Josh Keaton]] (young) ***[[w:Roger Bart|Roger Bart]] — (singing voice) * [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — Phil * [[James Woods]] — Hades * [[w:Susan Egan|Susan Egan]] — Meg * [[Frank Welker]] — Pegasus * [[w:Bobcat Goldthwait|Bobcat Goldthwait]] — Pain * [[w:Matt Frewer|Matt Frewer]] — Panic * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] — Zeus * [[w:Samantha Eggar|Samantha Eggar]] — Hera * [[w:Lillias White|Lillias White]] — Calliope * [[w:Vaneese Thomas|Vanéese Y. Thomas]] — Clio * Cheryl Freeman — Melpomene * [[w:LaChanze|LaChanze]] — Terpsichore * [[w:Roz Ryan|Roz Ryan]] — Thalia * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Patrick Pinney]] — Cyclops, Lythos * [[w:Hal Holbrook|Hal Holbrook]] — Ampgitryon * [[w:Barbara Barrie|Barbara Barrie]] — Alcmene * [[w:Amanda Plummer|Amanda Plummer]] — Clotho * [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] — Lachesis * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] — Atropos * [[w:Paul Shaffer|Paul Shaffer]] — Hermes * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] — Nessus, Tall Theban, Elderly Theban, and Pyros * [[w:Wayne Kinght|Wayne Knight]] — Demetrius * [[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] — Earthquake Lady, Nymphs, Teenage Girls, and Athena * [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] — Burnt Man, End-of-the World Man, Tour Bus Guide, and Stratos * [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] — the Heavyset Woman * [[w:Keith David|Keith David]] — Apollo * [[w:Aaron Michael Metchik|Aaron Michael Metchik]] — Ithicles * [[Charlton Heston]] — Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] — Pegasus == External Links == {{wikipedia|Hercules (1997 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0119282}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1997 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Films based on classical mythology]] 1svpkksyhd1oio59y8dh6zhhgjycsn8 0 13091 3944612 3915408 2026-05-23T21:51:44Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944612 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:George Frederic Watts portrait of William Morris 1870.jpg|thumb|right|I determined to do no less than to transform the world with [[Beauty]]. If I have succeeded in some small way, if only in one small corner of the world, amongst the men and women I love, then I shall count myself blessed, and blessed, and blessed, and the work goes on...]] '''{{w|William Morris}}''' (24 March 1834&nbsp;– 3 October 1896) was a British textile designer, poet, novelist, translator, and [[socialist]] activist associated with the British {{w|Arts and Crafts Movement}}. == Quotes == [[File:LL Pocock The Pond at William Morris's Works at Merton.jpg|thumb|right|From out the throng and stress of lies, <br> From out the painful noise of sighs, <br> One voice of comfort seems to rise: <br> "It is the meaner part that dies."]] [[File:Philip Webb's Red House in Upton.jpg|thumb|right|Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.]] <!--[[File:William Morris age 53.jpg|thumb|right|Wert thou more fickle than the restless sea, <br> Still should I [[love]] thee, knowing thee for such.]]--> * '''Wert thou more fickle than the restless sea, <br> Still should I love thee, knowing thee for such.''' ** ''The Life and Death of Jason'', Book ix (1867) <!-- , reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) --> * The majesty <br> That from man's soul looks through his eager eyes. ** ''The Life and Death of Jason'', Book xiii (1867) <!-- , reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919). --> * Now such an one for daughter Creon had <br> As maketh wise men fools and young men mad. ** ''The Life and Death of Jason'', Book xvii (1867) <!-- , reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) --> * I know a little garden-close <br>Set thick with lily and red rose, <br>Where I would wander if I might <br>From dewy dawn to dewy night, <br>And have one with me wandering. ** ''The Life and Death of Jason'', Book iv (1867). Variant: "morn" instead of "dawn" * O thrush, your song is passing sweet <br> But never a song that you have sung, <br> Is half so sweet as thrushes sang <br> When my dear Love and I were young. ** "Other Days", st. 1, in ''Songs of Two Worlds'' (1871) <!-- , reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919) --> * '''From out the throng and stress of lies, <br> From out the painful noise of sighs, <br> One voice of comfort seems to rise: <br> "It is the meaner part that dies."''' ** "Comfort", st. 4, in ''Songs of Two Worlds'', 2nd. ser. (1874) * '''If you want a golden rule that will fit everybody, this is it: Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.''' ** "The Beauty of Life", a lecture before the Birmingham Society of Arts and School of Design (19 February 1880), later published in ''Hopes and Fears for Art: Five Lectures Delivered in Birmingham, London, and Nottingham, 1878–1881'' (1882) [[File:May Morris Kelmscott Manor.jpg|thumb|right|Beauty … is, I contend, no mere accident to human life, which people can take or leave as they choose, but a positive necessity of life.]] * '''[[Beauty]], which is what is meant by [[art]], using the word in its widest sense, is, I contend, no mere accident to human life, which people can take or leave as they choose, but a positive necessity of life.''' ** ''The Beauty of Life'' (1880) * The greatest foe to art is luxury, art cannot live in its atmosphere. ** ''The Beauty of Life'' (1880) [[File:Stillman kelmscott.jpg|thumb|right|[[Simplicity]] of life, even the barest, is not a misery, but the very foundation of refinement...]] * '''[[Simplicity]] of life, even the barest, is not a misery, but the very foundation of refinement''': a sanded floor and whitewashed walls, and the green trees, and flowery meads, and living waters outside; or a grimy palace amid the smoke with a regiment of housemaids always working to smear the dirt together so that it may be unnoticed; which, think you, is the most refined, the most fit for a gentleman of those two dwellings? <br> '''So I say, if you cannot learn to love real art; at least learn to hate sham art and reject it.''' It is not because the wretched thing is so ugly and silly and useless that I ask you to cast it from you; it is much more because these are but the outward symbols of the poison that lies within them; look through them and see all that has gone to their fashioning, and you will see how vain labour, and sorrow, and disgrace have been their companions from the first — and all this for trifles that no man really needs! ** Speech, London (10 March 1880) * '''I love art, and I love history, but it is living art and living history that I love...''' It is in the interest of living art and living history that I oppose so-called restoration. What history can there be in a building bedaubed with ornament, which cannot at the best be anything but a hopeless and lifeless imitation of the hope and vigour of the earlier world? ** "The History of Pattern-Designing" lecture (1882) ''The Collected Works of William Morris'' (1910 - 1915) Vol. 22 [[File:William morris self-portrait 1856.jpg|thumb|right|So long as the system of [[competition]] in the production and exchange of the means of life goes on, the degradation of the [[arts]] will go on.]] * '''So long as the system of [[competition]] in the production and exchange of the means of life goes on, the degradation of the arts will go on'''; and if that system is to last for ever, then art is doomed, and will surely die; that is to say, civilization will die. ** "Art Under Plutocracy" (1883) * What shall I say concerning its mastery of and its waste of mechanical power, its commonwealth so poor, its enemies of the commonwealth so rich, its stupendous organization — for the misery of life! '''Its contempt of simple pleasures which everyone could enjoy but for its folly? Its eyeless vulgarity which has destroyed art, the one certain solace of labour?''' All this I felt then as now, but I did not know why it was so. '''The hope of the past times was gone, the struggles of mankind for many ages had produced nothing but this sordid, aimless, ugly confusion.''' ** ''Why I Am a Socialist'' (1884) * ...what I mean by Socialism is a condition of society in which there should be neither rich nor poor, neither master nor master's man, neither idle nor overworked, neither brain­slack brain workers, nor heart­sick hand workers, in a word, in which all men would be living in equality of condition, and would manage their affairs unwastefully, and with the full consciousness that harm to one would mean harm to all—the realisation at last of the meaning of the word ''commonwealth''. ** ''Why I Am a Socialist'' (1884) * What is this, the sound and rumour? What is this that all men hear,<br>Like the wind in hollow valleys when the storm is drawing near,<br>Like the rolling on of ocean in the eventide of fear?<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;'Tis the people marching on. ** "The March of the Workers", st. 1, in ''Chants for Socialists'' (1885) * He betrayed the trust reposed in him & used his military & administrative capacity for the purpose of bringing the Soudanese under the subjection of a vile tyranny. To make a hero of such a man is a direct attack on public morality. ** On General [[Charles George Gordon|Gordon]], Letter to James Mavor, April 1885. Quoted in Fergus Nicoll, ''Gladstone, Gordon and the Sudan Wars: The Battle Over Imperial Invention in the Victorian Age'' (Barnsley, UK: Pen & Sword Books, 2020) * The South Sea Islander must leave his canoe-carving, his sweet rest, and his graceful dances, and become the slave of a slave: trousers, shoddy, rum, missionary, and fatal disease — he must swallow all this [[civilization]] in a lump, and neither himself nor we can help him now till social order displaces the hideous tyranny of gambling that has ruined him. ** "How We Live and How We Might Live", Commonweal, 1887. Quoted in Gillian Naylor, ''William Morris by Himself: Designs and Writings'' (Boston: Little, Brown, and Co, 1988) * The [[British Empire]] is not a thing to love or to be proud of, but a disgrace and a nuisance, as a domination compounded of fraud, injustice and violence to be scorned by all honest men wherever possible. ** Speech at the [[w:International Workers Congresses of Paris, 1889|International Workers Congresses of Paris]], 1889. Quoted in ''How I Became A Socialist'', edited by Owen Holland, Verso Books, London, 2020 (p. 166). * The reward of labour is life. ** [[w:News from Nowhere|''News from Nowhere'']] (1891) ch. 15 * On the fall of [[w:Chartism|Chartism]], the [[w:Liberal Party (UK)|Liberal party]]—which as an engine of progress was a party without principles or definition, but has been used as a thoroughly adequate expression of English middle-class hypocrisy, cowardice, and short-sightedness—engrossed the whole of the political progressive movement in England, and dragged the working classes along with it, blind as they were to their own interests and the solidarity of labour. ** ''Socialism: Its Growth & Outcome'', co-authored with E. Belfort Bax (1893), pp. 182-83 * But lo, the old inn, and the lights, and the fire, <br> And the fiddler's old tune and the shuffling of feet; <br> Soon for us shall be quiet and rest and desire, <br> And to-morrow's uprising to deeds shall be sweet. ** "The Message of the March Winds", in ''Poems by the Way'', 2nd ed. (1892), p. 36 * '''With the arrogance of youth, I determined to do no less than to transform the world with Beauty. If I have succeeded in some small way, if only in one small corner of the world, amongst the men and women I love, then I shall count myself blessed, and blessed, and blessed, and the work goes on.''' ** As quoted in Jan Marsh, ''William Morris & Red House'' (2005), p. 65 === ''The Defence of Guenevere, and Other Poems'' (1858) === :<small>'''London: Bell and Daldy'''</small> [[File:Early poems of William Morris - Florence Harrison color plate to page 192.jpg|thumb|Pray but one prayer for me 'twixt thy closed lips, <br> Think but one thought of me up in the stars.]] * One of these cloths is heaven, and one is hell, <br> Now choose one cloth for ever; which they be, <br> I will not tell you, you must somehow tell <br> Of your own strength and mightiness. ** "The Defence of Guenevere", sts. 8–9 * And one of these strange choosing cloths was blue, <br> Wavy and long, and one cut short and red; <br> No man could tell the better of the two. {{pb}} After a shivering half-hour you said: <br> 'God help! heaven's colour, the blue;' and he said, 'hell.' <br> Perhaps you then would roll upon your bed, {{pb}} And cry to all good men that loved you well, <br> 'Ah Christ! if only I had known, known, known.' ** "The Defence of Guenevere", sts 12–14 * Came Launcelot walking; this is true, the [[kiss]] <br> Wherewith we kissed in meeting that spring day, <br> I scarce dare talk of the remember'd bliss. ** "The Defence of Guenevere", st. 45. Variant: "that remember'd bliss" * Had she come all the way for this, <br>To part at last without a kiss? <br> Yea, had she borne the dirt and rain <br>That her own eyes might see him slain <br> Beside the haystack in the floods? ** "The Haystack in the Floods" * Pray but one prayer for me 'twixt thy closed lips, <br> Think but one thought of me up in the stars. ** "Summer Dawn" * "'''You must be very [[Old age|old]], Sir Giles,'''" <br> I said; he said: "Yea, very old:" <br> Whereat the mournfullest of smiles <br> Creased his dry skin with many a fold. ** "Old Love", st. 1 * They hammer'd out my [[w:Bascinet|basnet]] point <br> Into a round [[w:Sallet|salade]]. ** "Old Love", st. 2 * My lady seems of ivory <br> Forehead, straight nose, and cheeks that be <br> Hollow'd a little mournfully. <br> &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; ''Beata mea Domina!'' ** "Praise of my Lady", st. 1 * Across the empty garden-beds, <br> ''When the Sword went out to sea.'' ** "The Sailing of the Sword", l. 1 * '''There were four of us about that bed; <br> The mass-priest knelt at the side,''' <br> I and his mother stood at the head, <br> Over his feet lay the bride; <br> We were quite sure that he was dead, <br> Though his eyes were open wide. ** "Shameful Death", st. 1 * '''He did not die in the night, <br> He did not die in the day.''' <br> But in the morning twilight <br> His spirit pass'd away. ** "Shameful Death", st. 2 * It is the longest night in all the year, <br> Near on the day when the Lord Christ was born; <br> Six hours ago I came and sat down here, <br> And ponder'd sadly, wearied and forlorn. ** "Sir Galahad, A Christmas Mystery", l. 1 * O servant of the high God, Galahad! ** "Sir Galahad, A Christmas Mystery", l. 153 * Speak but one word to me over the corn, <br> Over the tender, bow'd locks of the corn. ** "Summer Dawn" * And ever she sung from noon to noon, <br> ''Two red roses across the moon.'' ** "Two Red Roses Across the Moon", l. 3 * '''''[[Wind]]! wind! thou art sad, art thou kind?''' <br> Wind, wind, unhappy! thou art blind, <br> Yet still thou wanderest the lily-seed to find. ** "The Wind", refrain === ''[[w:The Earthly Paradise|The Earthly Paradise]]'' (1868–70) === [[File:Cosmo Rowe portrait of William Morris.jpg|thumb|right|Stretch forth your open hands, and while ye live <br> Take all the [[gifts]] that [[Death]] and [[Life]] may give!]] [[File:John Roddam Spencer Stanhope - The gentle music of a bygone day, 1873.jpg|thumb|The gentle music of the bygone years.]] * '''Masters, I have to tell a tale of [[woe]], <br> A tale of folly and of wasted life, <br> [[Hope]] against hope, the bitter dregs of strife, <br> Ending, where all things end, in [[death]] at last.''' ** Introductory verse * Forget six counties overhung with smoke,<br>Forget the snorting steam and piston stroke,<br>Forget the spreading of the hideous town;<br>Think rather of the pack-horse on the down,<br>And dream of London, small, and white, and clean,<br>The clear Thames bordered by its gardens green. ** "Prologue: The Wanderers", l. 1 * I too <br> Will go, remembering what I said to you, <br> When any land, the first to which we came <br> Seemed that we sought, and set your hearts aflame, <br> And all seemed won to you: but '''still I think, <br> Perchance years hence, the fount of life to drink, <br> Unless by some ill chance I first am slain. <br> But boundless risk must pay for boundless gain.''' ** "Prologue: The Wanderers"; the last line here may be related to far older expressions such as: "Naught venture, naught have" by [[Thomas Tusser]] * Oh, friends, content you! this is much indeed,<br>And we are paid, thus garnering for our need<br>Your blessings only, bringing in their train<br>God's blessings as the south wind brings the rain.<br>And for the rest, no little thing shall be<br>(Since ye through all yet keep your memory)<br>'''The gentle music of the bygone years,'''<br>Long past to us with all their hopes and fears. ** "Prologue: The Wanderers" * Slayer of the Winter, art thou here again? <br> O welcome, thou that bring'st the Summer nigh! <br> The bitter wind makes not thy victory vain, <br> Nor will we mock thee for thy faint blue sky. ** "March" * '''Rejoice, lest pleasureless ye die.''' <br> Within a little time must ye go by. <br> '''Stretch forth your open hands, and while ye live <br> Take all the [[gifts]] that [[Death]] and [[Life]] may give!''' ** "March" * Forgetfulness of [[grief]] I yet may gain; <br> In some wise may come ending to my [[pain]]; <br> '''It may be yet the Gods will have me glad! <br> Yet, Love, I would that thee and pain I had!''' ** "The Death of Paris" * Earth, left silent by the wind of night, <br> Seems shrunken 'neath the gray unmeasured height. ** "December" * Late February days; and now, at last, <br> Might you have thought that Winter's woe was past; <br> So fair the sky was and so soft the air. ** "February" * A world made to be lost, — <br> A bitter life 'twixt pain and nothing tost. ** "The Hill of Venus" *'''To happy folk <br> All heaviest words no more of meaning bear <br> Than far-off bells saddening the Summer air.''' ** "The Hill of Venus" * Death have we hated, knowing not what it meant; <br> Life we have loved, through green leaf and through sere, <br> Though still the less we knew of its intent. ** "L'Envoi" ==== Apology ==== [[File:Frederick Hollyer Burne-Jones and Morris 1890.jpg|thumb|right|Dreamer of [[dreams]], born out of my due [[time]], <br> Why should I strive to set the crooked straight?]] * Of Heaven or Hell I have no power to sing, <br> I cannot ease the burden of your fears, <br> Or make quick-coming death a little thing, <br> Or bring again the pleasure of past years, <br> Nor for my words shall ye forget your tears, <br> Or hope again for aught that I can say, <br> '''The idle singer of an empty day.''' ** Line 1 * The heavy trouble, the bewildering care <br> That weighs us down who live and earn our bread, <br> These idle verses have no power to bear; <br> So let em sing of names rememberèd, <br> Because they, living not, can ne'er be dead, <br> Or long time take their memory quite away <br> From us poor singers of an empty day. ** Line 15 * '''Dreamer of [[dreams]], born out of my due [[time]], <br> Why should I strive to set the crooked straight?''' <br> Let it suffice me that my murmuring rhyme <br> Beats with light wing against the ivory gate, <br> Telling a tale not too importunate <br> To those who in the sleepy region stay, <br> Lulled by the singer of an empty day. ** Line 22 * Folk say, a wizard to a northern king <br> At Christmas-tide such wondrous things did show, <br> That through one window men beheld the spring, <br> And through another saw the summer glow, <br> And through a third the fruited vines a-row, <br> While still, unheard, but in its wonted way, <br> Piped the drear wind of that December day. <br> '''So with this Earthly Paradise it is, <br> If ye will read aright, and pardon me, <br> Who strive to build a shadowy isle of bliss <br> Midmost the beating of the steely sea, <br> Where tossed about all hearts of men must be; <br> Whose ravening monsters mighty men shall slay, <br> Not the poor singer of an empty day.''' ** Line 29 ==== The Lady of the Land ==== * '''It happened once, some men of Italy <br> Midst the Greek Islands went a sea-roving, <br> And much good fortune had they on the sea''': <br> Of many a man they had the ransoming, <br> And many a chain they gat and goodly thing; <br> And midst their voyage to an isle they came, <br> Whereof my story keepeth not the name. ** Line 1 * One was there who left all his friends behind; <br> Who going inland ever more and more, <br> And being left quite alone, at last did find <br> A lonely valley sheltered from the wind, <br> Wherein, amidst an ancient cypress wood, <br> A long-deserted ruined castle stood. ** Line 16 * Noble the house was, nor seemed built for war, <br> But rather like the work of other days, <br> When men, in better peace than now they are, <br> Had leisure on the world around to gaze, <br> And noted well the past times' changing ways; <br> '''And fair with sculptured stories it was wrought, <br> By lapse of time unto dim ruin brought.''' ** Line 50 * But taking note of these things, at the last <br> The mariner beneath the gateway passed. <br> And there a lovely cloistered court he found, <br> A fountain in the mist o'erthrown and dry, <br> And in the cloister briers twining round <br> The slender shafts; the wondrous imagery <br> Outworn by more than many years gone by; <br> Because '''the country people, in their fear <br> Of wizardry, had wrought destruction here, <br> And piteously these fair things had been maimed'''; <br> There stood great Jove, lacking his head of might; <br> Here was the archer, swift Apollo, lamed; <br> The shapely limbs of Venus hid from sight <br> By weeds and shards; Diana's ankles light <br> Bound with the cable of some coasting ship; <br> And rusty nails through Helen's maddening lip. ** Line 69 * And there he saw a door within the wall, <br> Well-hinged, close shut; nor was there in that place <br> Another on its hinges, therefore he <br> Stood there and pondered for a little space <br> And thought: "'''Perchance some marvel I shall see''', <br> For surely here some dweller there must be, <br> Because this door seems whole and new and sound, <br> While nought but ruin I can see around". ** Line 98 * No pillager or wrecker had been there; <br> It seemed that time had passed on otherwhere, <br> Nor laid a finger on this hidden place <br> Rich with the wealth of some forgotten race. ** Line 116 * The wanderer trembled when he saw all this, <br> Because he deemed by magic it was wrought; <br> Yet in his heart a longing for some bliss <br> Whereof the hard and changing world knows nought, <br> Arose and urged him on, and dimmed the thought <br> That there perchance some devil lurked to slay <br> The heedless wanderer from the light of day. ** Line 126 * '''Upon the floor uncounted medals lay <br> Like things of little value'''; here and there <br> Stood golden caldrons, that might well outweigh <br> The biggest midst an emperor's copper-ware, <br> And golden cups were set on tables fair, <br> Themselves of gold; and in all hollow things <br> Were stored great gems, worthy the crowns of kings. ** Line 141 * And then the image, that well-nigh erased <br> Over the castle-gate he did behold, <br> Above a door well wrought in coloured gold <br> Again he saw; a naked girl with wings <br> Enfolded in a serpent's scaly rings. ** Line 157 * There sat a woman, whose wet tresses rolled <br> On to the floor in waves of gleaming gold, <br> Cast back from such a form as, erewhile shown <br> To one poor shepherd, lighted up Troy town. ** Line 179 * "'''Alas, alas! another day gone by, <br> Another day and no soul come'''," she said; <br> "Another year, and still I am not dead!" <br> And with that word once more her head she raised, <br> And on the trembling man with great eyes gazed. ** Line 206 * "What man art thou that thus hast wandered here, <br> And found this lonely chamber where I dwell? <br> '''Beware, beware! for I have many a spell; <br> If greed of power and gold have led thee on, <br> Not lightly shall this untold wealth be won.''' <br> But if thou com'st here knowing of my tale, <br> In hope to bear away my body fair, <br> '''Stout must thine heart be, nor shall that avail <br> If thou a wicked soul in thee dost bear; <br> So once again I bid thee to beware, <br> Because no base man things like this may see, <br> And live thereafter long and happily.'''" ** Line 220 * From those thy words, I deem from some distress <br> By deeds of mine thy dear life I might save; <br> O then, delay not! if one ever gave <br> His life to any, mine I give to thee; <br> Come, tell me what the price of love must be? <br> Swift death, to be with thee a day and night <br> And with the earliest dawning to be slain? <br> Or better, a long year of great delight, <br> And many years of misery and pain? <br> Or worse, and this poor hour for all my gain? <br> '''A sorry merchant am I on this day, <br> E'en as thou willest so must I obey.''' ** Line 241 * "God grant indeed thy words are not for nought! <br> Then shalt thou save me, since for many a day <br> To such a dreadful life I have been brought: <br> Nor will I spare with all my heart to pay <br> What man soever takes my grief away; <br> Ah! I will love thee, if thou lovest me <br> But well enough my saviour now to be. ** Line 260 * A queen I was, what Gods I knew I loved, <br> And nothing evil was there in my thought, <br> And yet by love my wretched heart was moved <br> Until to utter ruin I was brought! <br> Alas! thou sayest our gods were vain and nought, <br> '''Wait, wait, till thou hast heard this tale of mine, <br> Then shalt thou think them devilish or divine.''' ** Line 288 * For Queen Diana did my body change <br> Into a fork-tongued dragon flesh and fell, <br> And through the island nightly do I range, <br> Or in the green sea mate with monsters strange, <br> When in the middle of the moonlit night <br> The sleepy mariner I do affright. ** Line 352 * Drowsy I lie, no folk at my command, <br> Who once was called the Lady of the Land; <br> Who might have bought a kingdom with a kiss, <br> Yea, half the world with such a sight as this. ** Line 361 * "Wilt thou not save me? once in every year <br> This rightful form of mine that thou dost see <br> By favour of the Goddess have I here <br> From sunrise unto sunset given me, <br> That some brave man may end my misery. <br> And thou — art thou not brave? can thy heart fail, <br> Whose eyes e'en now are weeping at my tale? ** Line 372 * Then listen! when this day is overpast, <br> A fearful monster shall I be again, <br> And thou mayst be my saviour at the last, <br> Unless, once more, thy words are nought and vain. <br> If thou of love and sovereignty art fain, <br> Come thou next morn, and when thou seest here <br> A hideous dragon, have thereof no fear, <br> But take the loathsome head up in thine hands <br> And kiss it, and be master presently <br> Of twice the wealth that is in all the lands <br> From Cathay to the head of Italy; <br> And master also, if it pleaseth thee, <br> Of all thou praisest as so fresh and bright, <br> Of what thou callest crown of all delight. <br> Ah! with what joy then shall I see again <br> The sunlight on the green grass and the trees, <br> And hear the clatter of the summer rain, <br> And see the joyous folk beyond the seas. <br> Ah, me! to hold my child upon my knees <br> After the weeping of unkindly tears <br> And all the wrongs of these four hundred years. <br> Go now, go quick! leave this grey heap of stone; <br> And from thy glad heart think upon thy way, <br> How I shall love thee — yea, love thee alone, <br> That bringest me from dark death unto day; <br> For this shall be thy wages and thy pay; <br> '''Unheard-of wealth, unheard-of love is near, <br> If thou hast heart a little dread to bear.''' ** Line 379 * "'''Ah! wilt thou leave me then without one kiss, <br> To slay the very seeds of fear and doubt, <br> That glad to-morrow may bring certain bliss?''' <br> Hast thou forgotten how love lives by this, <br> The memory of some hopeful close embrace, <br> Low whispered words within some lonely place?" ** Line 408 * So on he went, and on the way he thought <br> Of all the glorious things of yesterday, <br> Nought of the price whereat they must be bought, <br> But ever to himself did softly say <br> "'''No roaming now, my wars are passed away, <br> No long dull days devoid of happiness, <br> When such a love my yearning heart shall bless.'''" ** Line 449 * A fearful thing stood at the cloister's end <br> And eyed him for a while, then 'gan to wend <br> Adown the cloisters, and began again <br> That rattling, and the moan like fiends in pain. <br> And as it came on towards him, with its teeth <br> The body of a slain goat did it tear, <br> The blood whereof in its hot jaws did seethe, <br> And on its tongue he saw the smoking hair; <br> Then his heart sank, and standing trembling there, <br> Throughout his mind wild thoughts and fearful ran: <br> "Some fiend she was," he said, "the bane of man." <br> Yet he abode her still, although his blood <br> Curdled within him: the thing dropped the goat, <br> And creeping on, came close to where he stood, <br> And raised its head to him and wrinkled throat. <br> Then he cried out and wildly at her smote, <br> Shutting his eyes, and turned and from the place <br> Ran swiftly, with a white and ghastly face. ** Line 466 * Meanwhile the dragon, seeing him clean gone, <br> Followed him not, but crying horribly, <br> Caught up within her jaws a block of stone <br> And ground it into powder, then turned she, <br> With cries that folk could hear far out at sea, <br> '''And reached the treasure set apart of old, <br> To brood above the hidden heaps of gold.''' ** Line 491 === ''Love is Enough'' (1872) === :<small>''Love is Enough; or, The Freeing of [[w:Pharamond |Pharamond ]], A Morality'' (1872)</small> ==== Song I: Though the World Be A-Waning ==== [[File:Frank Bernard Dicksee - Romeo and Juliet, 1884.jpg|thumb|right|Love is enough: though the World be a-waning <br> And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining...]] * '''Love is enough: though the World be a-waning <br> And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining''', <br> Though the sky be too dark for dim eyes to discover <br> The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder, <br> Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder, <br> And this day draw a veil over all deeds passed over, <br> '''Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter; <br> The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter <br> These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover.''' ==== Song II: Have No Thought for Tomorrow ==== [[File:Morris Tapestry Summer.jpg|thumb|right|Your hearts make all plain in the best wise they would <br> And the world ye thought waning is glorious and good...]] * '''Love is enough: have no thought for to-morrow''' <br> If ye lie down this even in rest from your pain, <br> Ye who have paid for your bliss with great sorrow... * Till again shall the change come, and words your lips say not <br> '''Your hearts make all plain in the best wise they would <br> And the world ye thought waning is glorious and good...''' * '''The wind is not helpless for any man's need, <br> Nor falleth the rain but for thistle and weed.''' * O surely this morning all sorrow is hidden, <br> All battle is hushed for this even at least; <br> And no one this noontide may hunger, unbidden <br> To the flowers and the singing and the joy of your feast <br> Where silent ye sit midst the world's tale increased. * Lo, the lovers unloved that draw nigh for your blessing! <br> For your tale makes the dreaming whereby yet they live <br> The dreams of the day with their hopes of redressing, <br> The dreams of the night with the kisses they give, <br> '''The dreams of the dawn wherein death and hope strive.''' * Ah, what shall we say then, but that earth threatened often <br> Shall live on for ever that such things may be, <br> That the dry seed shall quicken, the hard earth shall soften, <br> And the spring-bearing birds flutter north o'er the sea, <br> That earth's garden may bloom round my love's feet and me? ==== Song III: It Grew Up Without Heeding ==== [[File:Artichoke wallpaper Morris and Co J H Dearle no borders.jpg|thumb|right|Love is enough: it grew up without heeding <br> In the days when ye knew not its name nor its measure, <br> And its leaflets untrodden by the light feet of pleasure <br> Had no boast of the blossom, no sign of the seeding, <br> As the morning and evening passed over its treasure.]] * '''Love is enough: it grew up without heeding <br> In the days when ye knew not its name nor its measure''', <br> And its leaflets untrodden by the light feet of pleasure <br> Had no boast of the blossom, no sign of the seeding, <br> As the morning and evening passed over its treasure. * And what do ye say then? — That Spring long departed <br> Has brought forth no child to the softness and showers; <br> — That we slept and we dreamed through the Summer of flowers; <br> We dreamed of the Winter, and waking dead-hearted <br> Found Winter upon us and waste of dull hours. * Nay, Spring was o'er-happy and knew not the reason, <br> And Summer dreamed sadly, for she thought all was ended <br> In her fulness of wealth that might not be amended; <br> But '''this is the harvest and the garnering season, <br> And the leaf and the blossom in the ripe fruit are blended.''' * '''It sprang without sowing, it grew without heeding, <br> Ye knew not its name and ye knew not its measure, <br> Ye noted it not mid your hope and your pleasure; <br> There was pain in its blossom, despair in its seeding, <br> But daylong your bosom now nurseth its treasure.''' ==== Song IV: Draw Near and Behold Me ==== [[File:WoodpeckerTapestry-van-William-Morris.jpg|thumb|right|Ye know not how void is your hope and your living: <br> Depart with your helping lest yet ye undo me!]] * '''Love is enough: draw near and behold me <br> Ye who pass by the way to your rest and your laughter''', <br> And are full of the hope of the dawn coming after; <br> For the strong of the world have bought me and sold me <br> And my house is all wasted from threshold to rafter. <br> — '''Pass by me, and hearken, and think of me not!''' * '''Ye know not how void is your hope and your living: <br> Depart with your helping lest yet ye undo me!''' <br> Ye know not that at nightfall she draweth near to me, <br> There is soft speech between us and words of forgiving <br> Till in dead of the midnight her kisses thrill through me. <br> — Pass by me and harken, and waken me not! * Wherewith will ye buy it, ye rich who behold me? <br> Draw out from your coffers your rest and your laughter, <br> And the fair gilded hope of the dawn coming after! <br> Nay this I sell not, — though ye bought me and sold me, — <br> For your house stored with such things from threshold to rafter. <br> — '''Pass by me, I hearken, and think of you not!''' ==== Song V: Through the Trouble and Tangle ==== * '''Love is enough: through the trouble and tangle <br> From yesterday's dawning to yesterday's night''' <br> I sought through the vales where the prisoned winds wrangle, <br> Till, wearied and bleeding, at end of the light <br> I met him, and we wrestled, and great was my might. * And the Shadow of the Night and not Love was departed; <br> I was sore, I was weary, yet Love lived to seek; <br> So I scaled the dark mountains, and wandered sad-hearted <br> Over wearier wastes, where e'en sunlight was bleak, <br> With no rest of the night for my soul waxen weak. * With no rest of the night; for '''I waked mid a story <br> Of a land wherein Love is the light and the lord, <br> Where my tale shall be heard, and my wounds gain a glory, <br> And my tears be a treasure to add to the hoard <br> Of pleasure laid up for his people's reward.''' ==== Song VI: Cherish Life that Abideth ==== [[File:Burne-jones-love-among-the-ruins.jpg|thumb|right|Live on, for Love liveth.]] * '''Love is enough: cherish life that abideth, <br> Lest ye die ere ye know him, and curse and misname him; <br> For who knows in what ruin of all hope he hideth, <br> On what wings of the terror of darkness he rideth?''' <br> And what is the joy of man's life that ye blame him <br> For his bliss grown a sword, and his rest grown a fire? * '''Live on, for Love liveth''', and earth shall be shaken <br> By the wind of his wings on the triumphing morning, <br> '''When the dead, and their deeds that die not shall awaken, <br> And the world's tale shall sound in your trumpet of warning, <br> And the sun smite the banner called Scorn of the Scorning, <br> And dead pain ye shall trample, dead fruitless desire, <br> As ye wend to pluck out the new world from the fire.''' ==== Song VII: Dawn Talks to Day ==== * '''Dawn talks to Day <br> Over dew-gleaming flowers''', <br> Night flies away <br> Till the resting of hours: <br> Fresh are thy feet <br> And with dreams thine eyes glistening, <br> Thy still lips are sweet <br> Though the world is a-listening. <br> '''O Love, set a word in my mouth for our meeting''', <br> Cast thine arms round about me to stay my heart's beating! <br> O fresh day, O fair day, O long day made ours! * '''Morn shall meet noon <br> While the flower-stems yet move, <br> Though the wind dieth soon <br> And the clouds fade above.''' <br> Loved lips are thine <br> As I tremble and hearken; <br> Bright thine eyes shine, <br> Though the leaves thy brow darken. <br> O Love, kiss me into silence, lest no word avail me, <br> Stay my head with thy bosom lest breath and life fail me! <br> O sweet day, O rich day, made long for our love! * '''Let us speak, love, together some words of our story, <br> That our lips as they part may remember the glory!''' <br> O soft day, O calm day, made clear for our sake! * '''Eve shall kiss night, <br> And the leaves stir like rain <br> As the wind stealeth light <br> O'er the grass of the plain.''' <br> Unseen are thine eyes <br> Mid the dreamy night's sleeping, <br> And on my mouth there lies <br> The dear rain of thy weeping. ==== Song VIII: While Ye Deemed Him A-Sleeping ==== [[File:Burnejones1.jpg|244px|thumb|right|Love is enough: while ye deemed him a-sleeping, <br> There were signs of his coming and sounds of his feet.]] * '''Love is enough: while ye deemed him a-sleeping, <br> There were signs of his coming and sounds of his feet'''; <br> His touch it was that would bring you to weeping, <br> When the summer was deepest and music most sweet... * '''All wonder of pleasure, all doubt of desire, <br> All blindness, are ended''', and no more ye feel <br> If your feet treat his flowers or the flames of his fire, <br> If your breast meet his balms or the edge of his steel. <br> '''Change is come, and past over, no more strife, no more learning: <br> Now your lips and your forehead are sealed with his seal, <br> Look backward and smile at the thorns and the burning. <br> — Sweet rest, O my soul, and no fear of returning!''' ==== Song IX: Ho Ye Who Seek Saving ==== [[File:The Godhead Fires, Pygmalion (Burne-Jones).jpg|thumb|right|Surely within you some [[Godhead]] doth quicken, <br> As ye cry to me heeding, and leading you [[home]]...]] * '''Love is enough: ho ye who seek saving, <br> Go no further; come hither; there have been who have found it''', <br> And these know the House of Fulfilment of Craving; <br> These know the Cup with the roses around it; <br> These know the World's Wound and the balm that hath bound it: <br> Cry out, the World heedeth not, "'''Love, lead us home!'''" * O hearken the words of his voice of compassion: <br> "Come cling round about me, ye faithful who sicken <br> Of the weary unrest and the world's passing fashions! <br> As the rain in mid-morning your troubles shall thicken, <br> But '''surely within you some [[Godhead]] doth quicken, <br> As ye cry to me heeding, and leading you home.'''" * "Come — pain ye shall have, and be blind to the ending! <br> Come — fear ye shall have, mid the sky's overcasting! <br> '''Come — change ye shall have, for far are ye wending!''' <br> Come — no crown ye shall have for your thirst and your fasting, <br> '''But the kissed lips of Love and fair life everlasting! <br> Cry out, for one heedeth, who leadeth you home!'''" === The Decorative Arts (1877) === [[File:Morris-william.jpg|thumb|right|I do not want art for a few, any more than education for a few, or freedom for a few.]] :<small>[http://www.burrows.com/dec.html "The Decorative Arts: Their Relation to Modern Life and Progress" (1877)] Morris's first public lecture, later published as "The Lesser Arts" in ''Hopes and Fears for Art'' (1882)</small> * '''To give people pleasure in the things they must perforce use, that is one great office of decoration; to give people pleasure in the things they must perforce make, that is the other use of it.''' <br> Does not our subject look important enough now? I say that without these arts, our rest would be vacant and uninteresting, our labour mere endurance, mere wearing away of body and mind. * When we can get beyond that smoky world, there, out in the country we may still see the works of our fathers yet alive amidst the very nature they were wrought into, and of which they are so completely a part: for there indeed if anywhere, in the English country, in the days when people cared about such things, was there a full sympathy between the works of man, and the land they were made for: — the land is a little land; too much shut up within the narrow seas, as it seems, to have much space for swelling into hugeness: there are no great wastes overwhelming in their dreariness, no great solitudes of forests, no terrible untrodden mountain-walls: all is measured, mingled, varied, gliding easily one thing into another: little rivers, little plains, swelling, speedily- changing uplands, all beset with handsome orderly trees; little hills, little mountains, netted over with the walls of sheep- walks: all is little; yet not foolish and blank, but serious rather, and abundant of meaning for such as choose to seek it: it is neither prison nor palace, but a decent home. * '''I do not want art for a few, any more than education for a few, or freedom for a few.''' === Art and Socialism (1884) === :<small>[http://www.marxists.org/archive/morris/works/1884/as/as.htm On line text at marxists.org] </small> * '''It is right and necessary that all men should have work to do which shall be worth doing, and be of itself pleasant to do; and which should be done under such conditions as would make it neither over-wearisome nor over-anxious.''' * '''Nothing should be made by man's labour which is not worth making; or which must be made by labour degrading to the makers.''' === ''[[w:A Dream of John Ball|A Dream of John Ball]]'' (1886) === [[File:Galahad grail.jpg|thumb|I say to you that earth and heaven are not two but one; and this one is that which ye know, and are each one of you a part of, to wit, the Holy Church, and in each one of you dwelleth the life of the Church, unless ye slay it.]] <!--[[File:USA Massachusetts Boston Trinity Nativity-window.jpg|thumb|right|I pondered all these things, and how men fight and lose the battle, and the thing that they fought for comes about in spite of their defeat, and when it comes turns out not to be what they meant, and other men have to fight for what they meant under another name.]]--> :<small>First printed in ''The Commonweal'' (13 November 1886 - 22 January 1887) - [http://etext.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/MorDrea.html online text at the University of Virginia]</small> :<small>The title refers to the 14th century English rebel [[John Ball (priest)|John Ball]].</small> * '''When I was journeying (in a dream of the night)''' down the well-remembered reaches of the Thames betwixt Streatley and Wallingford, where the foothills of the White Horse fall back from the broad stream, I came upon a clear-seen mediæval town standing up with roof and tower and spire within its walls, grey and ancient, but untouched from the days of its builders of old. '''All this I have seen in the dreams of the night clearer than I can force myself to see them in dreams of the day. So that it would have been nothing new to me the other night to fall into an architectural dream if that were all, and yet I have to tell of things strange and new that befell me after I had fallen asleep.''' ** Ch. 1: The Men of Kent * Forsooth, ye have heard it said that ye shall do well in this world that in the world to come ye may live happily for ever; do ye well then, and have your reward both on earth and in heaven; for '''I say to you that earth and heaven are not two but one; and this one is that which ye know, and are each one of you a part of, to wit, the Holy Church, and in each one of you dwelleth the life of the Church, unless ye slay it.''' ** Ch. 4: The Voice of John Ball [[File:Adoration of the Magi Tapestry.png|thumb|right|I bid you not dwell in hell but in heaven, or while ye must, upon earth, which is a part of heaven, and forsooth no foul part.]] * Forsooth, brothers, '''fellowship is heaven, and lack of fellowship is hell''': fellowship is life, and lack of fellowship is death: and the deeds that ye do upon the earth, it is for fellowship's sake that ye do them,''' and the life that is in it, that shall live on and on for ever, and each one of you part of it, while many a man's life upon the earth from the earth shall wane. <br> Therefore, I bid you not dwell in hell but in heaven, or while ye must, upon earth, which is a part of heaven, and forsooth no foul part. ** Ch. 4: The Voice of John Ball * Forsooth, he that waketh in hell and feeleth his heart fail him, shall have memory of the merry days of earth, and how that when his heart failed him there, he cried on his fellow, were it his wife or his son or his brother or his gossip or his brother sworn in arms, and how that his fellow heard him and came and they mourned together under the sun, till again they laughed together and were but half sorry between them. '''This shall he think on in hell, and cry on his fellow to help him, and shall find that therein is no help because there is no fellowship, but every man for himself.''' ** Ch. 4: The Voice of John Ball * '''I pondered all these things, and how men fight and lose the battle, and the thing that they fought for comes about in spite of their defeat, and when it comes turns out not to be what they meant, and other men have to fight for what they meant under another name.''' ** Ch. 4: The Voice of John Ball [[File:Holy Grail Tapestry -The Arming and Departure of the Kniights.jpg|thumb|right|It is for him that is lonely or in prison to dream of fellowship, but for him that is of a fellowship to do and not to dream.]] * '''It is for him that is lonely or in prison to dream of fellowship, but for him that is of a fellowship to do and not to dream.''' ** Ch. 4: The Voice of John Ball * '''Mastership hath many shifts whereby it striveth to keep itself alive in the world.''' And now hear a marvel: whereas thou sayest these two times that out of one man ye may get but one man's work, '''in days to come one man shall do the work of a hundred men — yea, of a thousand or more: and this is the shift of mastership that shall make many masters and many rich men.''' ** Ch. 12: Ill Would Change Be At Whiles Were It Not For The Change Beyond The Change. * '''To thee, when thou didst try to conceive of them, the ways of the days to come seemed follies scarce to be thought of; yet shall they come to be familiar things''', and an order by which every man liveth, ill as he liveth, so that men shall deem of them, that thus it hath been since the beginning of the world, and that thus it shall be while the world endureth... Yet in time shall this also grow old, and doubt shall creep in, because men shall scarce be able to live by that order, and the complaint of the poor shall be hearkened, no longer as a tale not utterly grievous, but as a threat of ruin, and a fear. Then shall these things, which to thee seem follies, and to the men between thee and me mere wisdom and the bond of stability, seem follies once again; yet, whereas men have so long lived by them, they shall cling to them yet from blindness and from fear; and those that see, and that have thus much conquered fear that they are furthering the real time that cometh and not the dream that faileth, these men shall the blind and the fearful mock and missay, and torment and murder: and great and grievous shall be the strife in those days, and many the failures of the wise, and too oft sore shall be the despair of the valiant; and back-sliding, and doubt, and contest between friends and fellows lacking time in the hubbub to understand each other, shall grieve many hearts and hinder the Host of the Fellowship: '''yet shall all bring about the end, till thy deeming of folly and ours shall be one, and thy hope and our hope; and then — the Day will have come.''' ** Ch. 12: Ill Would Change Be At Whiles Were It Not For The Change Beyond The Change. === ''Signs of Change'' (1888) === :<small>[http://etext.library.adelaide.edu.au/m/morris/william/m87sc/ Online text at The University of Adelaide]</small> [[File:Edward Burne-Jones - The Wheel of Fortune.jpg|thumb|right|We will stick to our word, which means a change of the basis of society … it may encourage some people, and will mean to them at least not a fear, but a hope.]] ==== How We Live And How We Might Live ==== * '''The word Revolution, which we Socialists are so often forced to use, has a terrible sound in most people's ears, even when we have explained to them that it does not necessarily mean a change accompanied by riot and all kinds of violence, and cannot mean a change made mechanically and in the teeth of opinion by a group of men who have somehow managed to seize on the executive power for the moment.''' Even when we explain that we use the word revolution in its etymological sense, and mean by it a change in the basis of society, people are scared at the idea of such a vast change, and beg that you will speak of reform and not revolution. As, however, we Socialists do not at all mean by our word revolution what these worthy people mean by their word reform, I can't help thinking that it would be a mistake to use it, whatever projects we might conceal beneath its harmless envelope. '''So we will stick to our word, which means a change of the basis of society; it may frighten people, but it will at least warn them that there is something to be frightened about, which will be no less dangerous for being ignored; and also it may encourage some people, and will mean to them at least not a fear, but a hope.''' * '''Fear and Hope — those are the names of the two great passions which rule the race of man, and with which revolutionists have to deal; to give hope to the many oppressed and fear to the few oppressors, that is our business'''; if we do the first and give hope to the many, the few ''must'' be frightened by their hope; otherwise we do not want to frighten them; '''it is not revenge we want for poor people, but happiness; indeed, what revenge can be taken for all the thousands of years of the sufferings of the poor?''' ==== The Aims of Art ==== * Soon there will be nothing left except the lying dreams of history, the miserable wreckage of our museums and picture-galleries, and the carefully guarded interiors of our aesthetic drawing-rooms, unreal and foolish, fitting witnesses of the life of corruption that goes on there, so pinched and meagre and cowardly, with its concealment and ignoring, rather than restraint of, natural longings; which does not forbid the greedy indulgence in them if it can but be decently hidden. * '''I have said as much as that the aim of art was to destroy the curse of labour by making work the pleasurable satisfaction of our impulse towards energy, and giving to that energy hope of producing something worth its exercise.''' ** This has sometimes appeared in paraphrased form as: "The aim of art is to destroy the curse of labour by making work the pleasurable satisfaction of our impulse towards energy, and giving to that energy hope of producing something worth the exercise". ====Useful Work versus Useless Toil ==== [[File:USA Massachusetts Boston Trinity Nativity-detail-1.jpg|thumb|right| A man at work, making something which he feels will exist because he is working at it and wills it, is exercising the energies of his mind and soul as well as of his body. Memory and imagination help him as he works. Not only his own thoughts, but the thoughts of the men of past ages guide his hands; and, as a part of the human race, he creates. If we work thus we shall be men, and our days will be happy and eventful.]] * '''I think that to all living things there is a pleasure in the exercise of their energies, and that even beasts rejoice in being lithe and swift and strong. But a man at work, making something which he feels will exist because he is working at it and wills it, is exercising the energies of his mind and soul as well as of his body. Memory and imagination help him as he works. Not only his own thoughts, but the thoughts of the men of past ages guide his hands; and, as a part of the human race, he creates. If we work thus we shall be men, and our days will be happy and eventful.''' * Worthy work carries with it the hope of pleasure in rest, the hope of the pleasure in our using what it makes, and the hope of pleasure in our daily creative skill. <br> '''All other work but this is worthless; it is slaves' work — mere toiling to live, that we may live to toil.''' === ''[[w:News from Nowhere|News from Nowhere]]'' (1890) === * '''If others can see it as I have seen it, then it may be called a vision rather than a dream.''' * As he formed the words, the train stopped at his station, five minutes' walk from his own house, which stood on the banks of the [[Thames]], a little way above an ugly suspension bridge. He went out of the station, still discontented and unhappy, muttering "If I could but see it! if I could but see it!" but had not gone many steps towards the river before (says our friend who tells the story) all that discontent and trouble seemed to slip off him. * I think I know what you mean. You think that I have done you a service; so you feel yourself bound to give me something which I am not to give to a neighbour, unless he has done something special for me. I have heard of this kind of thing; but pardon me for saying, that it seems to us a troublesome and roundabout custom; and we don't know how to manage it. And you see this ferrying and giving people casts about the water is my business, which I would do for anybody; so to take gifts in connection with it would look very queer. Besides, if one person gave me something, then another might, and another, and so on; and I hope you won't think me rude if I say that I shouldn't know where to stow away so many mementos of friendship. * All this seemed very interesting to me, and I should like to have made the old man talk more. But Dick got rather restive under so much ancient history: besides, I suspect he wanted to keep me as fresh as he could for his great-grandfather. So he burst out laughing at last, and said: "Excuse me, neighbours, but I can't help it. Fancy people not liking to work!—it's too ridiculous. Why, even you like to work, old fellow—sometimes," said he, affectionately patting the old horse with the whip. "What a queer disease! it may well be called Mulleygrubs!" * Man alive! how can you ask such a question? Have I not told you that we know what a prison means by the undoubted evidence of really trustworthy books, helped out by our own imaginations? And haven't you specially called me to notice that the people about the roads and streets look happy? and how could they look happy if they knew that their neighbours were shut up in prison, while they bore such things quietly? And if there were people in prison, you couldn't hide it from folk, like you can an occasional man-slaying; because that isn't done of set purpose, with a lot of people backing up the slayer in cold blood, as this prison business is. Prisons, indeed! O no, no, no! * "Then you suppose nonsense," said he. "I know that there used to be such lunatic affairs as divorce courts. But just consider; all the cases that came into them were matters of property quarrels: and I think, dear guest," said he, smiling, "that though you do come from another planet, you can see from the mere outside look of our world that quarrels about private property could not go on amongst us in our days." * But of course I understand your point of view about education, which is that of times past, when 'the struggle for life,' as men used to phrase it (i.e., the struggle for a slave's rations on one side, and for a bouncing share of the slave-holders' privilege on the other), pinched 'education' for most people into a niggardly dole of not very accurate information; something to be swallowed by the beginner in the art of living whether he liked it or not, and was hungry for it or not: and which had been chewed and digested over and over again by people who didn't care about it in order to serve it out to other people who didn't care about it." * I must now shock you by telling you that we have no longer anything which you, a native of another planet, would call a government. * A terrible tyranny our Communism, is it not? Folk used often to be warned against this very unhappiness in times past, when for every well-fed, contented person you saw a thousand miserable starvelings. Whereas for us, we grow fat and well-liking on the tyranny; a tyranny, to say the truth, not to be made visible by any microscope I know. Don't be afraid, my friend; we are not going to seek for troubles by calling our peace and plenty and happiness by ill names whose very meaning we have forgotten! * As a matter of fact, the history of the terrible period of transition from commercial slavery to freedom may thus be summarised. When the hope of realising a communal condition of life for all men arose, quite late in the nineteenth century, the power of the middle classes, the then tyrants of society, was so enormous and crushing, that to almost all men, even those who had, you may say despite themselves, despite their reason and judgement, conceived such hopes, it seemed a dream. So much was this the case that some of those more enlightened men who were then called Socialists, although they well knew, and even stated in public, that the only reasonable condition of Society was that of pure Communism (such as you now see around you), yet shrunk from what seemed to them the barren task of preaching the realisation of a happy dream. Looking back now, we can see that the great motive-power of the change was a longing for freedom and equality, akin if you please to the unreasonable passion of the lover; a sickness of heart that rejected with loathing the aimless solitary life of the well-educated man of that time: phrases, my dear friend, which have lost their meaning to us of the present day; so far removed we are from the dreadful facts which they represent. * '''Go back again, now you have seen us, and your outward eyes have learned that in spite of all the infallible maxims of your day there is yet a time of rest in store for the world, when mastery has changed into fellowship — but not before.''' Go back again, then, and while you live you will see all round you people engaged in making others live lives which are not their own, while they themselves care nothing for their own real lives — men who hate life though they fear death. '''Go back and be the happier for having seen us, for having added a little hope to your struggle. Go on living while you may, striving, with whatsoever pain and labour needs must be, to build up little by little the new day of fellowship, and rest, and happiness.''' == Quotes about Morris == [[File:William Morris by Vallotton.jpg|thumb|right|Morris was not only a genius, he was a ''man''. Strike at him where you would, he rang true … He was our best man. ~ [[w:Robert Blatchford|Robert Blatchford]] ]] * William Morris, [is] a prime favourite with a Socialist like myself, but also, in my view - especially in the ''Defence of Guinevere'' - a great poet. ** [[Clement Attlee]], "The Pleasure of Books, ''The National and English Review'', January 1954. Quoted in Frank Field, ''Attlee's Great Contemporaries: The Politics of Character''. Bloomsbury Publishing, London, 2009 (pg. 18). * '''I cannot help thinking that it does not matter what goes into the ''Clarion'' this week, because William Morris is dead.''' And what socialist will care for any other news this week, beyond that one sad fact? … <br> '''William Morris was our best man; and he is dead.''' It is true that much of his work still lives, and will live. But we have lost him, and, great as was his work, he himself was greater. Many a man of genius is dwarfed by his creations. We could all name men whose personalities seem unworthy of their own words and actions; men who resemble mean jars filled with honey, or foul lamps emitting brilliant beams. '''Morris was of a nobler kind. He was better than his best. Though his words fell like sword strokes, one always felt that the warrior was stronger than the sword. For Morris was not only a genius, he was a ''man''. Strike at him where you would, he rang true.''' … His face was as honest as a lion's and you accepted his word as you accept a date from the almanac. This is a censorious world, and as a rule, let a man be chaste as ice, pure as snow, he shall not escape calumny. Yet I have never heard a single word of detraction or dislike spoken of William Morris. Nor is there a Socialist to-day in England but will feel that he has lost a friend. <br> '''He was our best man.''' We cannot spare him; we cannot replace him. '''In all England there lives no braver, kinder, honester, cleverer, heartier man than William Morris. He is dead, and we cannot help feeling for a while that nothing else matters.''' ** [[w:Robert Blatchford|Robert Blatchford]] in ''[[w:The Clarion|The Clarion]]'' (October 1896). * When I first knew Morris nothing would content him but being a monk, and getting to Rome, and then he must be an architect, and apprenticed himself to [[w:George Edmund Street|Street]], and worked for two years, but when I came to London and began to paint he threw it all up, and must paint too, and then he must give it up and make poems, and then he must give it up and make window hangings and pretty things, and when he had achieved that, he must be a poet again, and then after two or three years of Earthly Paradise time, he must learn dyeing, and lived in a vat, and learned weaving, and knew all about looms, and then made more books, and learned tapestry, and then wanted to smash everything up and begin the world anew, and now it is printing he cares for, and to make wonderful rich-looking books — and '''all things he does splendidly — and if he lives the printing will have an end — but not I hope, before ''[[Geoffrey Chaucer|Chaucer]]'' and the ''[[w:Morte d'Arthur|Morte d'Arthur]]'' are done; then he'll do I don't know what, but every minute will be alive.''' ** [[w:Edward Burne-Jones|Edward Burne-Jones]], as quoted in ''Time Remembered‎'' (1933) by Frances Horner, p. 14. * We take Morris's poem into the woods with us and read it aloud, greedily, looking to see how much more there is in store for us . If ever you have an idle afternoon , bestow it on the ''Earthly Paradise''. ** [[George Eliot]], Letter to John Blackwood, 23 June 1868. Quoted in Haight, Gordon S. ''The George Eliot Letters Volume IV 1862-1868''. Yale, Yale University Press, 1955. * His talk indeed is wonderfully to the point and remarkable for clear good sense. He said no one thing that I remember, but I was struck with the very good judgment shewn in everything he uttered. He’s an extraordinary example, in short, of a delicate sensitive genius and taste, served by a perfectly healthy body and temper. All his designs are quite as good (or rather nearly so) as his poetry. Altogether it was a long rich sort of visit, with a strong peculiar flavour of its own. ** [[Henry James]] on Morris, Letter to Alice James, 12 March 1869. Quoted in Gamble, Cynthia J. ''John Ruskin, Henry James and the Shropshire lads'', New European Publications, London, 2008. * B[urne] J[ones] was in all ways the biggest. He had the most glorious sense of humour. Morris had none. It annoyed him as flies annoy cattle . But to hear the two together , discussing the workshop side of their art - fabrication of colours ; design of glass windows and the inlay of the little bits , and how the lines cut each other , as they loafed in the studio between whiles was a thing to be grateful for , even though one did not comprehend it. ** [[Rudyard Kipling]], Letter to Sir Herbert Baker, 1934. Quoted in Kemp, Sandra, and Lewis, Lisa, ''Writings on Writing by Rudyard Kipling''. Cambridge, Cambridge University Press, 1996 (pg, 132). * William Morris was one of the most versatile, energetic and original men of his time, a force that impinged decisively on the world of practice. ** [[F. R. Leavis]], ''New Bearing In English Poetry'' (2nd Edition, 1954). Quoted in Taylor, Gillian, ''William Morris by Himself'', Time Warner Books UK, London, 2004 (p. 205). * Other stories have only scenery: his have geography. He is not concerned with ‘painting’ landscapes; he tells you the lie of the land, and then you paint the landscapes for yourself. To a reader long fed on the almost botanical and entomological niceties of much modern fiction—where, indeed, we mostly skip if the characters go through a jungle—the effect is at first very pale and cold, but also very fresh and spacious. We begin to relish what my friend called the ‘Northernness’. No mountains in literature are as far away as distant mountains in Morris. The world of his imagining is as windy, as tangible, as resonant and three dimensional, as that of [[Walter Scott|Scott]] or [[Homer]]. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], "William Morris", in ''Rehabilitations and Other Essays'', Oxford University Press, 1939. * My great author at this period was William Morris...I found ''The Well at the World's End''. I looked—I read chapter headings—I dipped—and next day I was off into town to buy a copy of my own. Like so many new steps it appeared to be partly a revival- 'Knights in Armour' returning from a very early period of my childhood. After that I read all the Morris I could get, ''Jason, The Earthly Paradise,'' the prose romances. The growth of the new delight is marked by my sudden realisation, almost with a sense of disloyalty, that the letters WILLIAM MORRIS were coming to have at least as potent a magic in them as [[Richard Wagner|WAGNER]]. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''Surprised by Joy'' 1955. Quoted in Hannah, James, ''The Great War Reader'', Texas A&M University Press, 2000 (pg. 23). * Where Morris beats the cerebral utopists all hollow is in the materiality of his imagination. To lead a decent human life in a cramped, featureless, unvaried environment is a tough job; the twenty-story-slab housing development, the hundred-cubicle office, the windows that cannot be opened because the interior "climate" is controlled, the faceless Bauhaus exterior-all utopian in their way, I guess. But not my utopia, or his. ** 2006 interview in ''Conversations with [[Ursula Le Guin]]'' * We need a return to the William Morris broad conception of art in relation to life, in terms of colours and designs and craftsmanship, and windows opening on to Heaven, instead of narrowing it down to the preciosities of cliques and coteries who seek through their obscurities to keep art esoteric. ** [[w:Ethel Mannin|Ethel Mannin]], in ''Privileged Spectator'', 1939. Quoted in Faulkner, Peter, ''Ethel Mannin and William Morris'', in ''The Journal of the William Morris Society'' Volume XIII Number 2 Spring 1999. * William Morris's ''News from Nowhere'', an anarchist utopian novel in which women possess both equality and a natural predilection for the tasks of domesticity...Morris, along with a host of other nineteenth-century men, obviously believed that to engage in the role of helpmeet, to cook, to clean, and to run a house were natural female functions. Therefore, women of his utopia did not consider such duties evidence of inequality. ** Margaret S Marsh, ''Anarchist Women, 1870-1920'' (1981) * ''News from Nowhere'' was one of [[Voltairine de Cleyre]]'s favorite books ** Margaret S Marsh, ''Anarchist Women, 1870-1920'' (1981) * It is Morris... who can properly be called the first English Marxist. This truth has been but slowly recognised, not only by the reformists and anarchists who each, in their own fashion, have tried to annex him, but also by Marxists. ** [[w:A. L. Morton|Arthur Leslie Morton]], in ''Political Writings of William Morris'' (1973), p. 21. * It was William Morris who in modern times first joined these two words [bookmaking and art] together by the publication of his magnificent Kelmscott volumes. Such type, such decorations, such presswork, such sheer, composite beauty! ... from the very beginning Morris' innovations showed the world that printing still belonged among the fine arts. ** [[w:William Dana Orcutt|William Dana Orcutt]], in ''[https://archive.org/details/inquestofperfec00orcu/page/n27/mode/2up In Quest of the Perfect Book]'' (1926), p. 6-7. * So far Morris is the true prophet of the 20th century. '''We owe it to him that an ordinary man's dwelling-house has once more become a worthy object of the architect's thought, and a chair, a wallpaper, or a vase, a worthy object of the artist's imagination.''' ** [[Nikolaus Pevsner]], in ''Pioneers of Modern Design'' (1936) * He is beaten gold. ** [[John Ruskin]], as quoted in John James Munro (ed.) ''Frederick James Furnivall: A Volume of Personal Record'' (1911) p. 86 * So he still paces ahead of us, no longer ‘lonely’ but still in the van — beckoning us forward to the measureless bounty of life. He is one of those men whom history will never overtake. ** [[E. P. Thompson]], ''William Morris: From Romantic To Revolutionary'' (1955). Quoted in Taylor, Gillian, ''William Morris by Himself'', Time Warner Books UK, London, 2004 (p. 205) * '''Hence has arisen that exaltation of the defective, of which [[John Ruskin]] and William Morris''' were such eager spokesmen in their time; and on this ground their propaganda of crudity and wasted effort has been taken up and carried forward since their time. And hence also the propaganda for a return to handicraft and household industry. '''So much of the work and speculations of this group''' of men as fairly comes under the characterization here given '''would have been impossible at a time when the visibly more perfect goods were not the cheaper.''' ** [[Thorstein Veblen]], ''[[The Theory of the Leisure Class]]: An Economic Study of Institutions'' (1899) * ... above the confusion of these memories two figures remain distinct. Mr. [[George Bernard Shaw|Bernard Shaw]], physically individualized with extraordinary decision, a frequent speaker, and always explicit and careful to make himself misunderstood; and the grand head, the rough voice, the sturdy figure, sedulously plain speech, and lovable bearing of William Morris. ** [[H. G. Wells]], recalling a political meeting at Kelmscott House. Quoted in "The Well at the World's End", ''Saturday Review'', 17 October 1896. Reprinted in Faulkner, Peter, ''William Morris: The Critical Heritage'', Routledge, London, 2013 * To Morris we owe poetry whose perfect precision and clearness of word and vision has not been excelled in the literature of our country, and by the revival of the decorative arts he has given to our individualised romantic movement the social idea and the social factor also. ** [[Oscar Wilde]], “The English Renaissance of Art”, (1882). Reprinted in Ross, Robert, ''Essays and Lectures by Oscar Wilde''. Methuen and Co, London, 1908 * '''William Morris pleaded well for simplicity as the basis of all true art.''' Let us understand the significance to art of that word — SIMPLICITY — for it is vital to the Art of the Machine. ** [[Frank Lloyd Wright]], in "The Art and Craft of the Machine", a lecture to the Chicago Arts & Crafts Society (6 March 1901) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://onlinebooks.library.upenn.edu/webbin/book/lookupname?key=Morris%2c%20William%2c%201834%2d1896 The Online Books Page (University of Pennsylvania)] * [http://www.gutenberg.org/browse/authors/m#a107 Online works] at [[w:Project Gutenberg|Project Gutenberg]] * [http://www.marxists.org/archive/morris/works/index.htm Online works at marxists.org] * [http://etext.virginia.edu/toc/modeng/public/MorDrea.html ''A Dream of John Ball'' at the University of Virginia ] * [http://rpo.library.utoronto.ca/poet/236.html Selected poetry at the University of Toronto] * [http://www.iisg.nl/archives/morris/ Manuscripts online at the International Institute of Social History] * [http://www.hrc.utexas.edu/exhibitions/online/morris/ ''William Morris and his Circle''] * [http://www.stainedglassphotography.com/Galleries/Morris/Morris1.htm ''William Morris Stained Glass''] * [http://www.lbwf.gov.uk/wmg/home.htm The William Morris Gallery] (London Borough of Waltham Forest) * [http://www.keepourmuseumsopen.org.uk The William Morris Gallery is threatened with closure] (Campaign to keep the gallery open) * [http://www.morrissociety.org/ The William Morris Society] * [http://morris.artpassions.net/ William Morris Tiles and Textiles] * [http://www.huntington.org/ArtDiv/morris.html William Morris Exhibition] {{DEFAULTSORT:Morris, William}} [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Artists from England]] [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Short story writers from England]] [[Category:Fantasy authors]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Designers]] [[Category:Architects from England]] [[Category:Socialists from England]] [[Category:Libertarian Marxists]] [[Category:Eco-socialists]] [[Category:Atheists from England]] [[Category:1834 births]] [[Category:1896 deaths]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Victorian novelists]] [[Category:Victorian poets]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] [[nl:William Morris]] [[no:William Morris]] 7s8eurubhe4sndry6lpgnzo7mtjdee1 0 13959 3944777 3944321 2026-05-24T08:01:50Z Voltlds 780530 3944777 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? == Buzz Lightyear == * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * We'll be back before Andy comes home. * To Al's Toy Barn and beyond! == Jessie == * ''[repeated line]'' Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! == Stinky Pete == * Why, my prodigal son has returned. == Dialogue == :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: batteries need to be changed. Toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated. Oh, and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute, and I can't find it anywhere! :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes. :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right. Right. Of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp, all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': ''[sighs as he lifts his boot]'' You see, no hat; just the word "Andy". :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that... I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': ''[embarrassedly]'' Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer.]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room.]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! ''[sees the rip in Woody's arm and frowns]'' Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't wanna play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him.]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears.]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kisses Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[clears his throat]'' All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Stinky Pete''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Stinky Pete''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. ''[lifts his boot]'' Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Stinky Pete''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Stinky Pete''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Stinky Pete''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Stinky Pete''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there; I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Stinky Pete''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this ''Andy'' break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he ''really'' loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': ''[turns away]'' All right, nobody look till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment.]'' :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[Buzz #2 and the others use Rex as a battering ram.]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head! :''[The toys quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz, huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy... because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. ''[turns away]'' :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[The other toys make their way back to the vent.]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? ''[sarcastically]'' Some life. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"]'' What am I doing? Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape.]'' :'''Jessie''': ''[shocked]'' Prospector?! :'''Woody''': You're out of your box! :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair?! I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down ''cowboy doll'' is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! ''[struggles to open the vent]'' Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': ''[to Jessie]'' Uh, ma'am? I, uh, um, well, I just wanted to say you're a bright young woman with a beautiful yarn full of hair. A hair full of yarn. It's ah... um... I must go. :'''Jessie''': ''[embraces Buzz]'' Well, aren't you the sweetest space toy I've ever met? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? ''[flexes his arm]'' Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Lee Unkrich films]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] qmadlwbpupk6w280xo7ny5lte3o3ibf 0 14040 3944749 3936709 2026-05-24T07:00:51Z Ficaia 3085955 /* Odyssey (c. 725 BC) */ 3944749 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Homer British Museum.jpg|thumb|For a friend with an understanding heart is worth no less than a brother.]] '''[[w:Homer|Homer]]''' ([[w:Ancient Greek|Ancient Greek]]: Ὅμηρος) is best known as the author of the ''[[w:Iliad|Iliad]]'' and the ''[[w:Odyssey|Odyssey]]''. He was believed by the ancient [[w:Greeks|Greeks]] to have been the first and greatest of the [[w:Epic poetry|epic poets]]. Author of the first known [[literature]] of Europe, he is central to the [[w:Western canon|Western canon]]. == Quotes == === ''[[w:Iliad|Iliad]]'' (c. 750 BC) === [[File:Beginning Iliad.svg|thumb|Μῆνιν ἄειδε, θεά, Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος.<br /><br />[''Menin aeide, thea, Peleiadeo Achileos''.]<br /><br />Rage—Goddess, sing the rage of Peleus' son Achilles.]] ;Book I * Μῆνιν ἄειδε, θεά, Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος<br />οὐλομένην, ἣ μυρί᾽ Ἀχαιοῖς ἄλγε᾽ ἔθηκε,<br />πολλὰς δ᾽ ἰφθίμους ψυχὰς Ἄϊδι προΐαψεν<br />ἡρώων, αὐτοὺς δὲ ἑλώρια τεῦχε κύνεσσιν<br />οἰωνοῖσί τε πᾶσι. ** '''Rage—Goddess, sing the rage of Peleus' son Achilles''',<br />murderous, doomed, that cost the Achaeans countless losses,<br />hurling down to the House of Death so many sturdy souls,<br />great fighters' souls, but made their bodies carrion,<br />feasts for the dogs and birds. ** I. 1–5 (tr. Robert Fagles). [[File:Jupiter Smyrna Louvre Ma13.jpg|thumb|Διὸς δ’ ἐτελείετο βουλή.<br /><br />[''Dios d'eteleieto boule.'']<br /><br />The will of Zeus was accomplished.]] * Διὸς δ’ ἐτελείετο βουλή. ** The will of Zeus was accomplished. ** I. 5 (tr. Richmond Lattimore). * [[w:Anax|Ἄναξ]] ἀνδρῶν. ** King of Men. ** I. 7; of Agamemnon. ''Iliad'', [[wikt:passim|passim]]. [[File:Preller Chryses am Meeresstrand.jpg|thumb|Παρὰ θῖνα πολυφλοίσβοιο θαλάσσης.<br /><br />[''Para thina polyphloisboio thalasses.'']<br /><br />Along the shore of the loud-roaring sea.]] * Παρὰ θῖνα πολυφλοίσβοιο θαλάσσης. ** Along the shore of the loud-roaring sea. ** I. 34. ** Note: [[Ezra Pound]] referred to this Homeric phrase as a "magnificent onomatopoeia, as of the rush of the waves on the sea-beach and their recession", and described it as "untranslatable" (in ''Literary Essays'', p. 250). * Καὶ γάρ τ' ὄναρ ἐκ Διός ἐστιν. ** [[Dreams]] come from Zeus. ** I. 63<!--; Achilles to Agamemnon-->. * Ἔπεα πτερόεντα. ** Winged words. ** I. 201; ''Iliad'' and ''Odyssey'', passim. * Ὅς κε θεοῖς ἐπιπείθηται μάλα τ' ἔκλυον αὐτοῦ. ** '''If any man obeys the gods, they listen to him also.''' ** I. 218 (tr. Richmond Lattimore). * Οἰνοβαρές, κυνὸς ὄμματ' ἔχων, κραδίην δ' ἐλάφοιο. ** You wine sack, with a dog's eyes, with a deer's heart. ** I. 225 (tr. Richmond Lattimore); Achilles to Agamemnon. * Τοῦ καὶ ἀπὸ γλώσσης μέλιτος γλυκίων ῥέεν αὐδή. ** From whose lips the streams of words ran sweeter than [[honey]]. ** I. 249 (tr. Richmond Lattimore); of Nestor.<!-- Quoted by [[Cicero]] in ''[[w:Cato Maior de Senectute|De Senectute]]'', section 31. *** [[Alexander Pope]]'s translation:<br />"Words sweet as honey from his lips distill'd."--> * Οὐδέ τι οἶδε νοῆσαι ἅμα πρόσσω καὶ ὀπίσσω. ** He lacks the sense to see a day behind, a day ahead. ** I. 343 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ῥοδοδάκτυλος Ἠώς. ** Rosy-fingered [[Dawn]]. ** I. 477 (tr. Samuel Butler). * Ἦ καὶ κυανέῃσιν ἐπ' ὀφρύσι νεῦσε Κρονίων·<br />ἀμβρόσιαι δ' ἄρα χαῖται ἐπεῤῥώσαντο ἄνακτος<br />κρατὸς ἀπ' ἀθανάτοιο· μέγαν δ' ἐλέλιξεν Ὄλυμπον. ** He spoke, the son of Kronos, and nodded his head with the dark brows,<br />and the immortally anointed hair of the great god<br />swept from his divine head, and all Olympos was shaken. ** I. 528–530 (tr. Richmond Lattimore). * Ἄσβεστος δ' ἄρ' ἐνῶρτο γέλως μακάρεσσι θεοῖσιν<br />ὡς ἴδον Ἥφαιστον διὰ δώματα ποιπνύοντα. ** And uncontrollable [[laughter]] broke from the happy gods<br />as they watched the god of fire breathing hard<br />and bustling through the halls. ** I. 599–600 (tr. Robert Fagles); whence the expression "Homeric laughter". ;Book II * Οὐκ ἀγαθὸν πολυκοιρανίη· εἷς κοίρανος ἔστω,<br />εἷς βασιλεύς. ** '''Lordship for many is no good thing. Let there be one ruler,<br />one king.''' ** II. 204–205 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Μένεα πνείοντες. ** Breathing fury. ** II. 536 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book III [[File:Helen of Troy.jpg|thumb|Ah, no wonder the men of Troy and Argives under arms have suffered years of agony all for her, for such a woman. Beauty, terrible beauty!]] * Μή μοι δῶρ' ἐρατὰ πρόφερε χρυσέης Ἀφροδίτης·<br />οὔ τοι ἀπόβλητ' ἐστὶ θεῶν ἐρικυδέα δῶρα<br />ὅσσά κεν αὐτοὶ δῶσιν, ἑκὼν δ' οὐκ ἄν τις ἕλοιτο. ** Yet do not bring up against me the sweet favours of golden Aphrodite.<br />'''Never to be cast away are the gifts of the gods''', magnificent,<br />which they give of their own will, no man could have them for wanting them. ** III. 64–66 (tr. Richmond Lattimore). <!--[[File:Villa Romana de La Olmeda Mosaicos romanos 001 Ulises.jpg|thumb|But when ''he'' let loose that great voice from his chest<br />and the words came piling on like a driving winter blizzard —<br />then no man alive could rival Odysseus!]]--> * Αἰεὶ δ' ὁπλοτέρων ἀνδρῶν φρένες ἠερέθονται·<br />οἷς δ' ὁ γέρων μετέῃσιν ἅμα πρόσσω καὶ ὀπίσσω<br />λεύσσει, ὅπως ὄχ' ἄριστα μετ' ἀμφοτέροισι γένηται. ** Always it is, that the hearts in the younger men are frivolous,<br />but when an elder man is among them, he looks behind him<br />and in front, so that all comes out far better for both sides. ** III. 108–110 (tr. Richmond Lattimore). * Οὐ νέμεσις Τρῶας καὶ ἐϋκνήμιδας Ἀχαιοὺς<br />τοιῇδ' ἀμφὶ γυναικὶ πολὺν χρόνον ἄλγεα πάσχειν·<br />αἰνῶς ἀθανάτῃσι θεῇς εἰς ὦπα ἔοικεν. ** Who on earth could blame them? Ah, no wonder<br />the men of Troy and Argives under arms have suffered<br />years of agony all for her, for such a woman.<br />Beauty, terrible beauty!<br />A deathless goddess—so she strikes our eyes! ** III. 156–158 (tr. Robert Fagles); of Helen. ** Richmond Lattimore's translation: **: Surely there is no blame on Trojans and strong-greaved Achaians<br />if for long time they suffer hardship for a woman like this one.<br />Terrible is the likeness of her face to immortal goddesses. * Ἀλλ' ὅτε δὴ ὄπα τε μεγάλην ἐκ στήθεος εἵη<br />καὶ ἔπεα νιφάδεσσιν ἐοικότα χειμερίῃσιν,<br />ἂν ἔπειτ' Ὀδυσῆΐ γ' ἐρίσσειε βροτὸς ἄλλος·<br />οὐ τότε γ' ὧδ' Ὀδυσῆος ἀγασσάμεθ' εἶδος ἰδόντες. ** But when ''he'' let loose that great voice from his chest<br />and the words came piling on like a driving winter blizzard —<br />then no man alive could rival Odysseus! Odysseus...<br />we no longer gazed in wonder at his looks. ** III. 221–224 (tr. Robert Fagles). *{{anchor|SunSeeHear}} Ἠέλιός θ', ὃς πάντ' ἐφορᾷς καὶ πάντ' ἐπακούεις. ** Helios, [[Sun]] above us, you who see all, hear all things! ** III. 277 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book IV [[File:Jean Baptiste Regnault - The Death of Priam, 1785.jpg|thumb|The day will come when sacred Troy must die.]] * Ἔσσεται ἦμαρ ὅτ' ἄν ποτ' ὀλώλῃ Ἴλιος ἱρὴ<br />καὶ Πρίαμος καὶ λαὸς ἐϋμμελίω Πριάμοιο. ** The day will come when sacred Troy must die,<br />Priam must die and all his people with him,<br />Priam who hurls the strong ash spear! ** IV. 164–165 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Agamemnon. * Τῷ μὲν κλέος, ἄμμι δὲ πένθος. ** Glory to him, but to us a sorrow. ** IV. 197 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Ἀλλ' οὔ πως ἅμα πάντα θεοὶ δόσαν ἀνθρώποισιν. ** But the gods give to mortals not everything at the same time. ** IV. 320 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Τὸν δ' ἄρ' ὑπόδρα ἰδὼν προσέφη πολύμητις Ὀδυσσεύς·<br />Ἀτρεΐδη ποῖόν σε ἔπος φύγεν ἕρκος ὀδόντων. ** Then looking at him darkly resourceful Odysseus spoke to him:<br />"What is this word that broke through the fence of your teeth, Atreides?" ** IV. 350–351 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Ἥ τ' ὀλίγη μὲν πρῶτα κορύσσεται, αὐτὰρ ἔπειτα<br />οὐρανῷ ἐστήριξε κάρη καὶ ἐπὶ χθονὶ βαίνει. ** She who is only a little thing at the first, but thereafter<br />grows until she strides on the earth with her head striking heaven. ** IV. 442–443 (tr. R. Lattimore). ;Book V * Ὅττι μάλ' οὐ δηναιὸς ὃς ἀθανάτοισι μάχηται,<br />οὐδέ τί μιν παῖδες ποτὶ γούνασι παππάζουσιν<br />ἐκ πολέμοιο καὶ αἰνῆς δηϊοτῆτος. ** No man who fights with gods will live long or hear his children prattling about his knees when he returns from battle. ** V. 407–409 (tr. Samuel Butler). [[File:Wenceslas Hollar - Aeneas and Diomedes.jpg|thumb|Think not to match yourself against gods, for men that walk the earth cannot hold their own with the immortals.]] * Μηδὲ θεοῖσιν<br />ἶσ' ἔθελε φρονέειν, ἐπεὶ οὔ ποτε φῦλον ὁμοῖον<br />ἀθανάτων τε θεῶν χαμαὶ ἐρχομένων τ' ἀνθρώπων. ** Think not to match yourself against gods, for men that walk the earth cannot hold their own with the immortals. ** V. 440–442 (tr. Samuel Butler). * Τοίω τὼ χείρεσσιν ὑπ' Αἰνείαο δαμέντε<br />καππεσέτην, ἐλάτῃσιν ἐοικότες ὑψηλῇσι. ** So here the twins were laid low at Aeneas' hands,<br />down they crashed like lofty pine trees axed. ** V. 559–560 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Στέντορι εἰσαμένη μεγαλήτορι χαλκεοφώνῳ,<br />ὃς τόσον αὐδήσασχ' ὅσον ἄλλοι πεντήκοντα. ** In form of [[w:Stentor|Stentor]] of the brazen voice,<br />Whose shout was as the shout of fifty men. ** V. 785–786 (tr. Lord Derby). ;Book VI * Εἰ δέ τίς ἐσσι βροτῶν οἳ ἀρούρης καρπὸν ἔδουσιν,<br />ἆσσον ἴθ' ὥς κεν θᾶσσον ὀλέθρου πείραθ' ἵκηαι. ** But if you're a man who eats the crops of the earth,<br />a mortal born for death—here, come closer,<br />the sooner you will meet your day to die! ** VI. 142–143 (tr. Robert Fagles). [[File:Dülmen, Börnste, Waldweg -- 2015 -- 4649.jpg|thumb|As is the generation of leaves, so is that of humanity.]] * Οἵη περ φύλλων γενεὴ τοίη δὲ καὶ ἀνδρῶν.<br />φύλλα τὰ μέν τ' ἄνεμος χαμάδις χέει, ἄλλα δέ θ' ὕλη<br />τηλεθόωσα φύει, ἔαρος δ' ἐπιγίγνεται ὥρη·<br />ὣς ἀνδρῶν γενεὴ ἣ μὲν φύει ἣ δ' ἀπολήγει. ** As is the generation of leaves, so is that of humanity.<br />The wind scatters the leaves on the ground, but the live timber<br />Burgeons with leaves again in the season of spring returning.<br />So one generation of men will grow while another dies. ** VI. 146–149 (tr. R. Lattimore); Glaucus to Diomed. ** Alexander Pope's translation: **: Like leaves on trees the race of man is found,<br />Now green in youth, now withering on the ground:<br />Another race the following spring supplies,<br />They fall successive, and successive rise:<br />So generations in their course decay;<br />So flourish these, when those are past away. <!--** [[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]]'s translation: **: "Like the generations of leaves, the lives of mortal men.<br />Now the wind scatters the old leaves across the earth,<br />now the living timber bursts with the new buds<br />and spring comes round again. And so with men:<br />as one generation comes to life, another dies away."--> [[File:NAMA Pélée, Achille & Chiron.jpg|thumb|Always be the best, my boy, the bravest, and hold your head up high above the others.]] * Αἰὲν ἀριστεύειν καὶ ὑπείροχον ἔμμεναι ἄλλων. ** '''Now always be the best, my boy, the bravest,<br />and hold your head up high above the others.''' ** VI. 208 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ὣς ἄρα φωνήσαντε καθ' ἵππων ἀΐξαντε<br />χεῖράς τ' ἀλλήλων λαβέτην καὶ πιστώσαντο·<br />ἔνθ' αὖτε Γλαύκῳ Κρονίδης φρένας ἐξέλετο Ζεύς,<br />ὃς πρὸς Τυδεΐδην Διομήδεα τεύχε' ἄμειβε<br />χρύσεα χαλκείων, ἑκατόμβοι' ἐννεαβοίων. ** So they spoke, and both springing down from behind their horses<br />gripped each other's hands and exchanged the promise of friendship;<br />but Zeus the son of Kronos stole away the wits of Glaukos<br />who exchanged with Diomedes the son of Tydeus armour<br />of '''gold for bronze''', for nine oxen's worth the worth of a hundred. ** VI. 232–236 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Ἀνδρὶ δὲ κεκμηῶτι μένος μέγα οἶνος ἀέξει. ** When a Man's exhausted, [[wine]] will build his strength. ** VI. 261 (tr. Robert Fagles). [[File:Pierre François Delorme, Hector1-4225.jpg|thumb|Victory passes back and forth between men.]] * Νίκη δ᾽ ἐπαμείβεται ἄνδρας. ** '''Victory passes back and forth between men.''' ** VI. 339 (tr. R. Lattimore); [[w:Paris (mythology)|Paris]] contemplates the fickleness of victory as he prepares to go into battle. * Καί ποτέ τις εἴποι πατρός γ' ὅδε πολλὸν ἀμείνων. ** And some day let them say of him:<br />'He is better by far than his father.' ** VI. 479 (tr. R. Lattimore). [[File:Hektors Abschied von Andromache (Tischbein).jpg|thumb|Smiling through tears.]] * Δακρυόεν γελάσασα. ** Smiling through tears. ** VI. 484 (tr. Lord Derby); of Andromache. * Μοῖραν δ' οὔ τινά φημι πεφυγμένον ἔμμεναι ἀνδρῶν,<br />οὐ κακὸν οὐδὲ μὲν ἐσθλόν, ἐπὴν τὰ πρῶτα γένηται. ** And fate? No one alive has ever escaped it,<br />neither brave man nor coward, I tell you—<br />it's born with us the day that we are born. ** VI. 488–489 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book VII * Αἴδεσθεν μὲν ἀνήνασθαι, δεῖσαν δ' ὑποδέχθαι. ** Ashamed to decline the challenge, yet fearing to accept it. ** VII. 93 (tr. Samuel Butler). * Ἀλλ' ὑμεῖς μὲν πάντες ὕδωρ καὶ γαῖα γένοισθε<br />ἥμενοι αὖθι ἕκαστοι ἀκήριοι ἀκλεὲς αὔτως. ** May you be turned every man of you into earth and water as you sit spiritless and inglorious in your places. ** VII. 99–100 (tr. Samuel Butler). ;Book VIII * Μήκων δ' ὡς ἑτέρωσε κάρη βάλεν, ἥ τ' ἐνὶ κήπῳ<br />καρπῷ βριθομένη νοτίῃσί τε εἰαρινῇσιν,<br />ὣς ἑτέρωσ' ἤμυσε κάρη πήληκι βαρυνθέν. ** He bent drooping his head to one side, as a garden [[poppy]]<br />bends beneath the weight of its yield and the rains of springtime;<br />so his head bent slack to one side beneath the helm's weight. ** VIII. 306–308 (tr. R. Lattimore); the death of [[w:Gorgythion|Gorgythion]]. ** Alexander Pope's translation: **: As full-blown poppies, overcharged with rain,<br />Decline the head, and drooping kiss the plain, —<br />So sinks the youth; his beauteous head, depressed<br />Beneath his helmet, drops upon his breast. * Ἐν δ' ἔπεσ' Ὠκεανῷ λαμπρὸν φάος ἠελίοιο<br />ἕλκον νύκτα μέλαιναν ἐπὶ ζείδωρον ἄρουραν. ** Now down in the Ocean sank the fiery light of day,<br />drawing the dark night across the grain-giving earth. ** VIII. 485–486 (tr. Robert Fagles). [[File:Samuel Palmer - A Shepherd and his Flock under the Moon and Stars - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|As stars in the night sky glittering<br />round the [[moon]]'s brilliance blaze in all their glory<br />when the air falls to a sudden, windless calm...]] * Ὡς δ' ὅτ' ἐν οὐρανῷ ἄστρα φαεινὴν ἀμφὶ σελήνην<br />φαίνετ' ἀριπρεπέα, ὅτε τ' ἔπλετο νήνεμος αἰθήρ·<br />ἔκ τ' ἔφανεν πᾶσαι σκοπιαὶ καὶ πρώονες ἄκροι<br />καὶ νάπαι· οὐρανόθεν δ' ἄρ' ὑπεῤῥάγη ἄσπετος αἰθήρ,<br />πάντα δὲ εἴδεται ἄστρα, γέγηθε δέ τε φρένα ποιμήν. ** As stars in the night sky glittering<br />round the moon's brilliance blaze in all their glory<br />when the air falls to a sudden, windless calm...<br />all the lookout peaks stand out and the jutting cliffs<br />and the steep ravines and down from the high heavens bursts<br />the boundless, bright air and all the stars shine clear<br />and the shepherd's heart exults. ** VIII. 551–555 (tr. Robert Fagles). ** Alexander Pope's translation: **: As when the moon, refulgent lamp of night,<br />O'er heaven's clear azure spreads her sacred light,<br />When not a breath disturbs the deep serene,<br />And not a cloud o'ercasts the solemn scene;<br />Around her throne the vivid planets roll,<br />And stars unnumbered gild the glowing pole,<br />O'er the dark trees a yellower verdure shed,<br />And tip with silver every mountain's head;<br />Then shine the vales, the rocks in prospect rise,<br />A flood of glory bursts from all the skies. ;Book IX [[File:Achilles, p 51 (World's Famous Orations Vol 1).jpg|thumb|Who dares think one thing, and another tell,<br />My heart detests him as the gates of hell.]] * Ἀφρήτωρ ἀθέμιστος ἀνέστιός ἐστιν ἐκεῖνος<br />ὃς πολέμου ἔραται ἐπιδημίου ὀκρυόεντος. ** Cursed is the man, and void of law and right,<br />Unworthy property, unworthy light,<br />Unfit for public rule, or private care,<br />That wretch, that monster, that delights in war:<br />Whose lust is murder, and whose horrid joy<br />To tear his country, and his kind destroy! ** IX. 63–64 (tr. Alexander Pope). * Ἐχθρὸς γάρ μοι κεῖνος ὁμῶς Ἀΐδαο πύλῃσιν<br />ὅς χ' ἕτερον μὲν κεύθῃ ἐνὶ φρεσίν, ἄλλο δὲ εἴπῃ. ** Who dares think one thing, and another tell,<br />My heart detests him as the gates of hell. ** IX. 312–313 (tr. Alexander Pope). ** A. H. Chase and [[w:William G. Perry|W. G. Perry, Jr.]]'s translation: **: '''Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is the man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another.''' * Κάτθαν' ὁμῶς ὅ τ' ἀεργὸς ἀνὴρ ὅ τε πολλὰ ἐοργώς. ** Alike the idlers and the active die. ** IX. 320 (tr. Lord Derby). * Ἀνδρὸς δὲ ψυχὴ πάλιν ἐλθεῖν οὔτε λεϊστὴ<br />οὔθ' ἑλετή, ἐπεὶ ἄρ κεν ἀμείψεται ἕρκος ὀδόντων. ** But a man's life breath cannot come back again—<br />no raiders in force, no trading brings it back,<br />once it slips through a man's clenched teeth. ** IX. 408–409 (tr. Robert Fagles). [[File:The Envoys of Agamemnon by Ingres.jpg|thumb|Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.]] * εἰ μέν κ᾽ αὖθι μένων Τρώων πόλιν ἀμφιμάχωμαι,<br />ὤλετο μέν μοι νόστος, ἀτὰρ κλέος ἄφθιτον ἔσται. ** '''If I hold out here and I lay siege to Troy,<br />my journey home is gone, but my glory never dies.''' ** IX. 412-413 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Achilles. * Μύθων τε ῥητῆρ' ἔμεναι πρηκτῆρά τε ἔργων. ** Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. ** IX. 443 (tr. Andrew Lang). * Καὶ γάρ τε λιταί εἰσι Διὸς κοῦραι μεγάλοιο<br />χωλαί τε ῥυσαί τε παραβλῶπές τ' ὀφθαλμώ,<br />αἵ ῥά τε καὶ μετόπισθ' ἄτης ἀλέγουσι κιοῦσαι. ** Prayers are Jove's daughters, of celestial race,<br />Lame are their feet, and wrinkled is their face;<br />With humble mien, and with dejected eyes,<br />Constant they follow where Injustice flies. ** IX. 498–500 (tr. Alexander Pope). ;Book X * Ἐπὶ ξυροῦ ἵσταται ἀκμῆς<br />...ὄλεθρος...Ἀχαιοῖς ἠὲ βιῶναι. ** '''Life and death are balanced as it were on the edge of a razor.''' ** X. 173–174 (tr. Samuel Butler). ;Book XI * Ἰητρὸς γὰρ ἀνὴρ πολλῶν ἀντάξιος ἄλλων<br />ἰούς τ' ἐκτάμνειν ἐπί τ' ἤπια φάρμακα πάσσειν. ** A physician is worth more than several other men put together, for he can cut out arrows and spread healing herbs. ** XI. 514–515 (tr. Samuel Butler). ;Book XII [[File:Istanbull - palasset - 13.jpg|thumb|Bird-signs!<br />Fight for your country—that is the best, the only omen!]] * Εἷς οἰωνὸς ἄριστος ἀμύνεσθαι περὶ πάτρης. ** Bird-signs!<br />Fight for your country—that is the best, the only omen! ** XII. 243 (tr. Robert Fagles). [[File:Death Sarpedon MNA Policoro detail.jpg|thumb|Man, supposing you and I, escaping this battle, would be able to live on forever, ageless, immortal, so neither would I myself go on fighting in the foremost, nor would I urge you into the fighting where men win glory. But now, seeing that the spirits of death stand close about us in their thousands, no man can turn aside or escape them, let us go on and win glory for ourselves, or yield it to others.]] * Ὦ πέπον εἰ μὲν γὰρ πόλεμον περὶ τόνδε φυγόντε<br />αἰεὶ δὴ μέλλοιμεν ἀγήρω τ' ἀθανάτω τε<br />ἔσσεσθ', οὔτέ κεν αὐτὸς ἐνὶ πρώτοισι μαχοίμην<br />οὔτέ κε σὲ στέλλοιμι μάχην ἐς κυδιάνειραν·<br />νῦν δ' ἔμπης γὰρ κῆρες ἐφεστᾶσιν θανάτοιο<br />μυρίαι, ἃς οὐκ ἔστι φυγεῖν βροτὸν οὐδ' ὑπαλύξαι,<br />ἴομεν ἠέ τῳ εὖχος ὀρέξομεν ἠέ τις ἡμῖν. ** Man, supposing you and I, escaping this battle,<br />would be able to live on forever, ageless, immortal,<br />so neither would I myself go on fighting in the foremost,<br />nor would I urge you into the fighting where men win glory.<br />But now, seeing that the spirits of death stand close about us<br />in their thousands, no man can turn aside or escape them,<br />let us go on and win glory for ourselves, or yield it to others. ** XII. 322–328 (tr. R. Lattimore); Sarpedon to Glaukos. ;Book XIII * Φράξαντες δόρυ δουρί, σάκος σάκεϊ προθελύμνῳ·<br />ἀσπὶς ἄρ' ἀσπίδ' ἔρειδε, κόρυς κόρυν, ἀνέρα δ' ἀνήρ. ** Locking spear by spear, shield against shield at the base, so buckler<br />leaned on buckler, helmet on helmet, man against man. ** XIII, 130–131 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Τοὶ δ' ἔριδος κρατερῆς καὶ ὁμοιΐου πτολέμοιο<br />πεῖραρ ἐπαλλάξαντες ἐπ' ἀμφοτέροισι τάνυσσαν<br />ἄῤῥηκτόν τ' ἄλυτόν τε, τὸ πολλῶν γούνατ' ἔλυσεν. ** Both gods knotted the rope of strife and leveling war,<br />strangling both sides at once by stretching the mighty cable,<br />never broken, never slipped, that snapped the knees of thousands. ** XIII. 358–360 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ἄλλῳ μὲν γὰρ ἔδωκε θεὸς πολεμήϊα ἔργα,<br />ἄλλῳ δ' ὀρχηστύν, ἑτέρῳ κίθαριν καὶ ἀοιδήν,<br />ἄλλῳ δ' ἐν στήθεσσι τιθεῖ νόον εὐρύοπα Ζεὺς<br />ἐσθλόν, τοῦ δέ τε πολλοὶ ἐπαυρίσκοντ' ἄνθρωποι. ** To some the powers of bloody war belong,<br />To some, sweet music, and the charm of song;<br />To few, and wondrous few, has Jove assigned<br />A wise, extensive, all-considering mind. ** XIII. 730–733 (tr. Alexander Pope). ;Book XIV * Οὐ γάρ τις νέμεσις φυγέειν κακόν, οὐδ' ἀνὰ νύκτα.<br />βέλτερον ὃς φεύγων προφύγῃ κακὸν ἠὲ ἁλώῃ. ** No shame in running,<br />fleeing disaster, even in pitch darkness.<br />'''Better to flee from death than feel its grip.''' ** XIV. 80–81 (tr. Robert Fagles). ** Richmond Lattimore's translation: **: There is no shame in running, even by night, from disaster.<br />The man does better who runs from disaster than he who is caught by it. [[File:Juno Borrowing the Girdle of Venus by Guy Head.jpg|thumb|There is the heat of Love, the pulsing rush of Longing, the lover's whisper, irresistible—magic to make the sanest man go mad.]] * Ἔνθ' ἔνι μὲν φιλότης, ἐν δ' ἵμερος, ἐν δ' ὀαριστὺς<br />πάρφασις, ἥ τ' ἔκλεψε νόον πύκα περ φρονεόντων. ** There is the heat of [[Love]],<br />the pulsing rush of [[Longing]], the lover's whisper,<br />irresistible—magic to make the sanest man go mad. ** XIV. 216–217 (tr. Robert Fagles). ** Alexander Pope's translation: **: In this was every art, and every charm,<br />To win the wisest, and the coldest warm:<br />Fond love, the gentle vow, the gay desire,<br />The kind deceit, the still reviving fire,<br />Persuasive speech, and more persuasive sighs,<br />Silence that spoke, and eloquence of eyes. * Ἔνθ' Ὕπνῳ ξύμβλητο κασιγνήτῳ Θανάτοιο. ** There she encountered Sleep, the brother of Death. ** XIV. 231 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Ὕπνε ἄναξ πάντων τε θεῶν πάντων τ' ἀνθρώπων. ** Sleep, universal king of gods and men. ** XIV. 233 (tr. Lord Derby). ;Book XV [[File:Hector brought back to Troy.jpg|thumb|A glorious death is his<br />Who for his country falls.]] * Ῥεῖα δ' ἀρίγνωτος Διὸς ἀνδράσι γίγνεται ἀλκή. ** Easily seen is the strength that is given from Zeus to mortals. ** XV. 490 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Οὔ οἱ ἀεικὲς ἀμυνομένῳ περὶ πάτρης<br />τεθνάμεν. ** '''A glorious death is his<br />Who for his country falls.''' ** XV. 496–497 (tr. Lord Derby); spoken by Hector. * Αἰδομένων δ' ἀνδρῶν πλέονες σόοι ἠὲ πέφανται·<br />φευγόντων δ' οὔτ' ἂρ κλέος ὄρνυται οὔτέ τις ἀλκή. ** On valour's side the odds of combat lie,<br />The brave live glorious, or lamented die;<br />The wretch who trembles in the field of fame,<br />Meets death, and worse than death, eternal shame. ** XV. 563–564 (tr. Alexander Pope). * Ἀλλ' εἰ δή ῥα τότε βλάπτε φρένας εὐρύοπα Ζεὺς<br />ἡμετέρας, νῦν αὐτὸς ἐποτρύνει καὶ ἀνώγει. ** Oh but if Zeus's lightning blinded us those days,<br />it's Zeus who drives us, hurls us on today! ** XV. 724–725 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book XVI * Ἐν γὰρ χερσὶ τέλος πολέμου, ἐπέων δ' ἐνὶ βουλῇ. ** The proof of battle is action, proof of words, debate. ** XVI. 630 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Πέμπε δέ μιν πομποῖσιν ἅμα κραιπνοῖσι φέρεσθαι<br />ὕπνῳ καὶ θανάτῳ διδυμάοσιν, οἵ ῥά μιν ὦκα<br />θήσουσ' ἐν Λυκίης εὐρείης πίονι δήμῳ. ** Then give him into the charge of swift messengers to carry him,<br />of [[Sleep]] and [[Death]], who are twin brothers, and these two shall lay him<br />down presently within the rich countryside of broad Lykia. ** XVI. 671–673 (tr. R. Lattimore).<!-- Cf. Virgil, ''Aeneid'', VI.278.--> * Ἀλλ' αἰεί τε Διὸς κρείσσων νόος ἠέ περ ἀνδρῶν. ** But the will of Zeus will always overpower the will of men. ** XVI. 688 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ὃ δ' ἐν στροφάλιγγι κονίης<br />κεῖτο μέγας μεγαλωστί, λελασμένος ἱπποσυνάων. ** He in the turning dust lay<br />mightily in his might, his horsemanship all forgotten. ** XVI. 775–776 (tr. R. Lattimore). * I am foremost of all the Trojan warriors to stave the day of bondage from off them; as for you, vultures shall devour you here. ** XVI (tr. Samuel Butler); Hector to Patroclus. * I say further, and lay my saying to your heart, you too shall live but for a little season; death and the day of your doom are close upon you, and they will lay you low by the hand of Achilles son of Aiakos. ** XVI (tr. S. Butler); Patroclus to Hector. ;Book XVII [[File:Statue of Zeus.jpg|thumb|Among all creatures that breathe on earth and crawl on it<br />there is not anywhere a thing more dismal than man is.]] * Ῥεχθὲν δέ τε νήπιος ἔγνω. ** Once a thing has been done, the fool sees it. ** XVII. 32 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Οὐ μὲν γάρ τί πού ἐστιν ὀϊζυρώτερον ἀνδρὸς<br />πάντων, ὅσσά τε γαῖαν ἔπι πνείει τε καὶ ἕρπει. ** Among all creatures that breathe on earth and crawl on it<br />there is not anywhere a thing more dismal than man is. ** XVII. 446–447 (tr. R. Lattimore); Zeus. ** Robert Fagles's translation: **: There is nothing alive more agonized than man<br />of all that breathe and crawl across the earth. * Ἥσω γὰρ καὶ ἐγώ, τὰ δέ κεν Διὶ πάντα μελήσει. ** I'll fling a spear myself and leave the rest to Zeus. ** XVII. 515 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book XVIII <!--[[File:Tetyda i Achilles.jpg|thumb|If only strife could die from the lives of gods and men...]]--> * Ὡς ἔρις ἔκ τε θεῶν ἔκ τ' ἀνθρώπων ἀπόλοιτο<br />καὶ χόλος, ὅς τ' ἐφέηκε πολύφρονά περ χαλεπῆναι,<br />ὅς τε πολὺ γλυκίων μέλιτος καταλειβομένοιο<br />ἀνδρῶν ἐν στήθεσσιν ἀέξεται ἠΰτε καπνός. ** '''If only strife could die from the lives of gods and men'''<br />and anger that drives the sanest man to flare in outrage—<br />bitter gall, sweeter than dripping streams of honey,<br />that swarms in people's chests and blinds like smoke. ** XVIII. 107–110 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Achilles. * Ἀλλ' οὐ Ζεὺς ἄνδρεσσι νοήματα πάντα τελευτᾷ. ** But Zeus does not bring to accomplishment all thoughts in men's minds. ** XVIII. 328 (tr. R. Lattimore). ;Book XIX * Θεὸς διὰ πάντα τελευτᾷ. ** '''It is the god who accomplishes all things.''' ** XIX. 90 (tr. R. Lattimore). * Οὐ γὰρ ἀνὴρ πρόπαν ἦμαρ ἐς ἠέλιον καταδύντα<br />ἄκμηνος σίτοιο δυνήσεται ἄντα μάχεσθαι. ** For a man will not have strength to fight his way forward all day<br />long until the sun goes down if he is starved for food. ** XIX. 162–163 (tr. R. Lattimore). ;Book XX * Στρεπτὴ δὲ γλῶσσ' ἐστὶ βροτῶν, πολέες δ' ἔνι μῦθοι<br />παντοῖοι, ἐπέων δὲ πολὺς νομὸς ἔνθα καὶ ἔνθα. ** The tongue of man is a twisty thing, there are plenty of words there<br />of every kind, the range of words is wide, and their variance. ** XX. 248–249 (tr. R. Lattimore). ;Book XXI * Ἀλλ' ἔπι τοι καὶ ἐμοὶ θάνατος καὶ μοῖρα κραταιή·<br />ἔσσεται ἢ ἠὼς ἢ δείλη ἢ μέσον ἦμαρ<br />ὁππότε τις καὶ ἐμεῖο Ἄρῃ ἐκ θυμὸν ἕληται<br />ἢ ὅ γε δουρὶ βαλὼν ἢ ἀπὸ νευρῆφιν ὀϊστῷ. ** There shall be a dawn or an afternoon or a noontime<br />when some man in the fighting will take the life from me also<br />either with a spearcast or an arrow flown from the bowstring. ** XXI. 110 (tr. R. Lattimore); spoken by Achilles. * Ἐννοσίγαι' οὐκ ἄν με σαόφρονα μυθήσαιο<br />ἔμμεναι, εἰ δὴ σοί γε βροτῶν ἕνεκα πτολεμίξω<br />δειλῶν, οἳ φύλλοισιν ἐοικότες ἄλλοτε μέν τε<br />ζαφλεγέες τελέθουσιν ἀρούρης καρπὸν ἔδοντες,<br />ἄλλοτε δὲ φθινύθουσιν ἀκήριοι. ** Shaker of the earth, you would have me be as one without prudence<br />if I am to fight even you for the sake of insignificant<br />mortals, who are as leaves are, and now flourish and grow warm<br />with life, and feed on what the ground gives, but then again<br />fade away and are dead. ** XXI. 462–466 (tr. R. Lattimore); Apollo to Poseidon. ;Book XXII [[File:Peter Paul Rubens - Achilles slays Hector.jpg|thumb|There can be no covenants between men and lions, wolves and lambs can never be of one mind.]] * Ὡς οὐκ ἔστι λέουσι καὶ ἀνδράσιν ὅρκια πιστά,<br />οὐδὲ λύκοι τε καὶ ἄρνες ὁμόφρονα θυμὸν ἔχουσιν. ** '''There can be no covenants between men and lions, wolves and lambs can never be of one mind.''' ** XXII. 262–263 (tr. Samuel Butler); Achilles to Hector. * Νῦν αὖτέ με μοῖρα κιχάνει.<br />μὴ μὰν ἀσπουδί γε καὶ ἀκλειῶς ἀπολοίμην,<br />ἀλλὰ μέγα ῥέξας τι καὶ ἐσσομένοισι πυθέσθαι. ** So now I meet my doom. Well let me die—<br />but not without struggle, not without glory, no,<br />in some great clash of arms that even men to come<br />will hear of down the years! ** XXII. 303 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Hector. ** Richmond Lattimore's translation: **: But now my death is upon me.<br />Let me at least not die without a struggle, inglorious,<br />but do some big thing first, that men to come shall know of it. * Μή με κύον γούνων γουνάζεο μὴ δὲ τοκήων. ** No more entreating of me, you dog, by knees or parents. ** XXII. 345 (tr. R. Lattimore); Achilles to Hector. ;Book XXIII * Ὢ πόποι ἦ ῥά τίς ἐστι καὶ εἰν Ἀΐδαο δόμοισι<br />ψυχὴ καὶ εἴδωλον, ἀτὰρ φρένες οὐκ ἔνι πάμπαν. ** Oh, wonder! '''Even in the house of Hades there is left something,<br />a soul and an image, but there is no real heart of life in it.''' ** XXIII. 103–104 (tr. R. Lattimore); Achilles after seeing Patroclus' ghost. * Μήτι τοι δρυτόμος μέγ' ἀμείνων ἠὲ βίηφι·<br />μήτι δ' αὖτε κυβερνήτης ἐνὶ οἴνοπι πόντῳ<br />νῆα θοὴν ἰθύνει ἐρεχθομένην ἀνέμοισι·<br />μήτι δ' ἡνίοχος περιγίγνεται ἡνιόχοιο. ** The woodcutter is far better for [[skill]] than he is for brute strength.<br />It is by skill that the sea captain holds his rapid ship<br />on its course, though torn by winds, over the wine-blue water.<br />By skill charioteer outpasses charioteer. ** XXIII. 315–318 (tr. R. Lattimore). ;Book XXIV * Τλητὸν γὰρ Μοῖραι θυμὸν θέσαν ἀνθρώποισιν. ** The Fates have given mortals hearts that can endure. ** XXIV. 49 (tr. Robert Fagles). [[File:Alexandr Ivanov 005.jpg|thumb|I have endured what no one on earth has ever done before—<br />I put to my lips the hands of the man who killed my son.]] * Ἄγχι δ' ἄρα στὰς ...<br />χερσὶν Ἀχιλλῆος λάβε γούνατα καὶ κύσε χεῖρας<br />δεινὰς ἀνδροφόνους, αἵ οἱ πολέας κτάνον υἷας. ** The majestic king of Troy slipped past the rest<br />and kneeling down beside Achilles, clasped his knees<br />and kissed his hands, those terrible, man-killing hands<br />that had slaughtered Priam's many sons in battle. ** XXIV. 477–479 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ἔτλην δ' οἷ' οὔ πώ τις ἐπιχθόνιος βροτὸς ἄλλος,<br />ἀνδρὸς παιδοφόνοιο ποτὶ στόμα χεῖρ' ὀρέγεσθαι. ** I have endured what no one on earth has ever done before—<br />I put to my lips the hands of the man who killed my son. ** XXIV. 505–506 (tr. Robert Fagles); Priam to Achilles. ** Richmond Lattimore's translation: **: I have gone through what no other mortal on earth has gone through;<br />I put my lips to the hands of the man who has killed my children. * Ἄλγεα δ' ἔμπης<br />ἐν θυμῷ κατακεῖσθαι ἐάσομεν ἀχνύμενοί περ·<br />οὐ γάρ τις πρῆξις πέλεται κρυεροῖο γόοιο·<br />ὡς γὰρ ἐπεκλώσαντο θεοὶ δειλοῖσι βροτοῖσι<br />ζώειν ἀχνυμένοις· αὐτοὶ δέ τ' ἀκηδέες εἰσί. ** Let us put our griefs to rest in our own hearts...<br />What good's to be won from tears that chill the spirit?<br />So the immortals spun our lives that we, we wretched men<br />live on to bear such torments—the gods live free of sorrows. ** XXIV. 522–526 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Καὶ σὲ γέρον τὸ πρὶν μὲν ἀκούομεν ὄλβιον εἶναι. ** And you, old sir, we are told you prospered once. ** XXIV. 543 (tr. R. Lattimore); Achilles to Priam. === ''[[w:Odyssey|Odyssey]]'' (c. 725 BC) === ;Book I [[File:Head Odysseus MAR Sperlonga.jpg|thumb|Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns...]] * Ἄνδρα μοι ἔννεπε, Μοῦσα, πολύτροπον, ὃς μάλα πολλὰ<br />πλάγχθη, ἐπεὶ Τροίης ἱερὸν πτολίεθρον ἔπερσε·<br />πολλῶν δ’ ἀνθρώπων ἴδεν ἄστεα καὶ νόον ἔγνω,<br />πολλὰ δ’ ὅ γ’ ἐν πόντῳ πάθεν ἄλγεα ὃν κατὰ θυμόν,<br />ἀρνύμενος ἥν τε ψυχὴν καὶ νόστον ἑταίρων. ** Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns<br />driven time and again off course, once he had plundered<br />the hallowed heights of Troy.<br />Many cities of men he saw and learned their minds,<br />many pains he suffered, heartsick on the open sea,<br />fighting to save his life and bring his comrades home. ** I. 1–5 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Αὐτῶν γὰρ σφετέρῃσιν ἀτασθαλίῃσιν ὄλοντο. ** The recklessness of their own ways destroyed them all. ** I. 7 (tr. Robert Fagles). * ὢ πόποι, οἷον δή νυ θεοὺς βροτοὶ αἰτιόωνται.<br />ἐξ ἡμέων γάρ φασι κάκ' ἔμμεναι· οἱ δὲ καὶ αὐτοὶ<br />σφῇσιν ἀτασθαλίῃσιν ὑπὲρ μόρον ἄλγε' ἔχουσιν. ** See now, how men lay blame upon us gods for what is after all nothing but their own folly. ** I. 32–34 (tr. Samuel Butler). * Ἱέμενος καὶ καπνὸν ἀποθρῴσκοντα νοῆσαι<br />ἧς γαίης, θανέειν ἱμείρεται. ** Such desire is in him<br />merely to see the hearthsmoke leaping upward<br />from his own island, that he longs to die. ** I. 58–59 (tr. Robert Fitzgerald). * Οὐκ οἶδ'· οὐ γάρ πώ τις ἑὸν γόνον αὐτὸς ἀνέγνω. ** Who, on his own,<br />has ever really known who gave him life? ** I. 216 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ταῦτα θεῶν ἐν γούνασι κεῖται. ** These things surely lie on the knees of the gods. ** I. 267. Cf. ''Iliad'' XVII. 514. ;Book II [[File:Telemachus and Mentor1.JPG|thumb|Few sons, indeed, are like their fathers. Generally they are worse; but just a few are better.]] * Παῦροι γάρ τοι παῖδες ὁμοῖοι πατρὶ πέλονται,<br />οἱ πλέονες κακίους, παῦροι δέ τε πατρὸς ἀρείους. ** Few sons, indeed, are like their fathers.<br />Generally they are worse; but just a few are better. ** II. 276–277 (tr. [[w:E. V. Rieu|E. V. Rieu]]). * Τοῖσιν δ' ἴκμενον οὖρον ἵει γλαυκῶπις Ἀθήνη,<br />ἀκραῆ ζέφυρον, κελάδοντ' ἐπὶ οἴνοπα πόντον. ** Grey-eyed Athene sent them a favourable gale, a fresh West Wind, singing over the wine-dark sea. ** II. 420–421 (tr. [[w:Samuel Butcher (classicist)|S. H. Butcher]] and [[Andrew Lang]]). ;Book III * Τηλέμαχ', ἄλλα μὲν αὐτὸς ἐνὶ φρεσὶ σῇσι νοήσεις,<br />ἄλλα δὲ καὶ δαίμων ὑποθήσεται. ** Some of the words you'll find within yourself,<br />the rest some power will inspire you to say. ** III. 26–27 (tr. Robert Fagles); Athena to Telemachus. * Πάντες δὲ θεῶν χατέουσ' ἄνθρωποι. ** All men need the gods... ** III. 48 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ψεῦδος δ' οὐκ ἐρέει· μάλα γὰρ πεπνυμένος ἐστίν. ** He will tell you no lies, for he is an excellent person. ** III. 328 (tr. Samuel Butler). ;Book IV * Νεμεσσῶμαί γε μὲν οὐδὲν<br />κλαίειν, ὅς κε θάνῃσι βροτῶν καὶ πότμον ἐπίσπῃ.<br />τοῦτό νυ καὶ γέρας οἶον ὀϊζυροῖσι βροτοῖσι,<br />κείρασθαί τε κόμην βαλέειν τ' ἀπὸ δάκρυ παρειῶν. ** Not that I'd grudge a tear<br />for any man gone down to meet his fate.<br />What other tribute can we pay to wretched men<br />than to cut a lock, let tears roll down our cheeks? ** IV. 195–198 (tr. Robert Fagles). * θεοὶ δέ τε πάντα ἴσασιν. ** '''The gods know all things.''' ** IV. 468. ;Book V [[File:Odysseus sehnt sich nach Ithaka (Tischbein).jpg|thumb|I long—I pine, all my days—<br />to travel home and see the dawn of my return.]] * Οὐδέ μοι αὐτῇ<br />θυμὸς ἐνὶ στήθεσσι σιδήρεος, ἀλλ' ἐλεήμων. ** Not iron, trust me,<br />the heart within ''my'' breast. I am all compassion. ** V. 190–191 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ἀλλὰ καὶ ὧς ἐθέλω καὶ ἐέλδομαι ἤματα πάντα<br />οἴκαδέ τ' ἐλθέμεναι καὶ νόστιμον ἦμαρ ἰδέσθαι. ** Nevertheless I long—I pine, all my days—<br />to travel home and see the dawn of my return. ** V. 219–220 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Τλήσομαι ἐν στήθεσσιν ἔχων ταλαπενθέα θυμόν·<br />ἤδη γὰρ μάλα πολλὰ πάθον καὶ πολλὰ μόγησα. ** My soul<br />Shall bear ''that'' also; for, by practice taught,<br />I have learned patience, having much endured. ** V. 222–223 (tr. William Cowper). ;Book VI [[File:Louis Gauffier, Ulysse et Nausicaa, Musée Sainte Croix.jpg|thumb|The best thing in the world<br />is a strong house held in serenity<br />where man and wife agree.]] * Σοὶ δὲ θεοὶ τόσα δοῖεν, ὅσα φρεσὶ σῇσι μενοινᾷς,<br />ἄνδρα τε καὶ οἶκον, καὶ ὁμοφροσύνην ὀπάσειαν<br />ἐσθλήν· οὐ μὲν γὰρ τοῦ γε κρεῖσσον καὶ ἄρειον,<br />ἢ ὅθ' ὁμοφρονέοντε νοήμασιν οἶκον ἔχητον<br />ἀνὴρ ἠδὲ γυνή· πόλλ' ἄλγεα δυσμενέεσσι,<br />χάρματα δ' εὐμενέτῃσι· μάλιστα δέ τ' ἔκλυον αὐτοί. ** And may the gods accomplish your desire:<br />a home, a husband, and harmonious<br />converse with him – '''the best thing in the world<br />being a strong house held in serenity<br />where man and wife agree.''' Woe to their enemies,<br />joy to their friends! But all this they know best. ** VI. 180–185 (tr. [[w:Robert Fitzgerald|Robert Fitzgerald]]); Odysseus to Nausicaa. * Ζεὺς δ' αὐτὸς νέμει ὄλβον Ὀλύμπιος ἀνθρώποισιν,<br />ἐσθλοῖσ' ἠδὲ κακοῖσιν, ὅπως ἐθέλῃσιν, ἑκάστῳ.'' ** Jove weighs affairs of earth in dubious scales,<br />And the good suffers, while the bad prevails. ** VI. 188 (tr. Alexander Pope). ;Book VII * Οὐ γάρ τι στυγερῇ ἐπὶ γαστέρι κύντερον ἄλλο<br />ἔπλετο, ἥ τ' ἐκέλευσεν ἕο μνήσασθαι ἀνάγκῃ<br />καὶ μάλα τειρόμενον καὶ ἐνὶ φρεσὶ πένθος ἔχοντα. ** Nothing more shameless is than Appetite,<br />Who still, whatever anguish load our breast,<br />Makes us remember in our own despite<br />Both food and drink. ** VII. 216–218 (tr. [[w:Philip Stanhope Worsley|P. S. Worsley]]). ;Book VIII * Οὕτως οὐ πάντεσσι θεοὶ χαρίεντα διδοῦσιν<br />ἀνδράσιν, οὔτε φυὴν οὔτ’ ἂρ φρένας οὔτ’ ἀγορητύν. ** The gods don't hand out all their gifts at once,<br />not build and brains and flowing speech to all. ** VIII. 167–168 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Τῶν δ' ἄλλων ἐμέ φημι πολὺ προφερέστερον εἶναι,<br />ὅσσοι νῦν βροτοί εἰσιν ἐπὶ χθονὶ σῖτον ἔδοντες. ** I far excel every one else in the whole world,<br />of those who still eat bread upon the face of the earth. ** VIII. 221–222 (tr. Samuel Butler). * Οὐκ ἀρετᾷ κακὰ ἔργα· κιχάνει τοι βραδὺς ὠκύν,<br />ὡς καὶ νῦν Ἥφαιστος ἐὼν βραδὺς εἷλεν Ἄρηα,<br />ὠκύτατόν περ ἐόντα θεῶν, οἳ Ὄλυμπον ἔχουσιν. ** Behold on wrong<br />Swift vengeance waits; and art subdues the strong!<br />Dwells there a god on all the Olympian brow<br />More swift than Mars, and more than Vulcan slow?<br />Yet Vulcan conquers, and the god of arms<br />Must pay the penalty for lawless charms. ** VIII. 329–331 (tr. Alexander Pope). * Δειλαί τοι δειλῶν γε καὶ ἐγγύαι ἐγγυάασθαι. ** Worthless is as worthless does. ** VIII. 351 (tr. [[w:Martin Hammond|Martin Hammond]]). * Ἐπεὶ οὐ μέν τι κασιγνήτοιο χερείων<br />γίνεται, ὅς κεν ἑταῖρος ἐὼν πεπνυμένα εἰδῇ. ** '''For a friend with an understanding heart is worth no less than a brother.''' ** VIII. 585–586 (tr. [[w:George Herbert Palmer|G. H. Palmer]]). ;Book IX * Τί πρῶτόν τοι ἔπειτα, τί δ' ὑστάτιον καταλέξω. ** Well then, what shall I go through first,<br />what shall I save for last? ** IX. 14 (tr. Robert Fagles) [[File:Port Bathy and Capital of Ithaca.jpg|thumb|Nothing is as sweet as a man's own country...]] * Ὡς οὐδὲν γλύκιον ἧς πατρίδος οὐδὲ τοκήων<br />γίνεται, εἴ περ καί τις ἀπόπροθι πίονα οἶκον<br />γαίῃ ἐν ἀλλοδαπῇ ναίει ἀπάνευθε τοκήων. ** So nothing is as sweet as a man's own country,<br />his own parents, even though he's settled down<br />in some luxurious house, off in a foreign land<br />and far from those who bore him. ** IX. 34–36 (tr. Robert Fagles). <!--** Alexander Pope's translation: **: In pomps or joys, the palace or the grot,<br />My country's image never was forgot;<br />My absent parents rose before my sight,<br />And distant lay contentment and delight.--> * [[w:Outis|Οὖτις]] ἐμοί γ' ὄνομα. ** Nobody—that's my name. ** IX. 366 (tr. Robert Fagles); Odysseus to [[w:Polyphemus|Polyphemus]]. * Τοὺς δ' αὖτ' ἐξ ἄντρου προσέφη κρατερὸς Πολύφημος·<br />«ὦ φίλοι, Οὖτίς με κτείνει δόλῳ οὐδὲ βίηφιν.» ** ‘''Nobody'', friends’—Polyphemus bellowed back from his cave—<br />‘'''Nobody's killing me now by fraud and not by force!'''’ ** IX. 407–408 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book X * Νεκύων ἀμενηνὰ κάρηνα. ** The fleeting shadows of the dead. ** X. 521 (tr. G. A. Schomberg). ;Book XI [[File:Odysseus wants to embrace the ghost of his Mother, Jan Styka.jpg|thumb|Three times I rushed toward her, desperate to hold her,<br />three times she fluttered through my fingers, sifting away<br />like a shadow, dissolving like a dream.]] * Μή μ' ἄκλαυτον ἄθαπτον ἰὼν ὄπιθεν καταλείπειν<br />νοσφισθείς. ** His cold remains all naked to the sky,<br />On distant shores unwept, unburied lie. ** XI. 72–73 (tr. Alexander Pope); of [[w:Elpenor|Elpenor]]. * Τρὶς μὲν ἐφωρμήθην, ἑλέειν τέ με θυμὸς ἀνώγει,<br />τρὶς δέ μοι ἐκ χειρῶν σκιῇ εἴκελον ἢ καὶ ὀνείρῳ<br />ἔπτατ'. ** Three times I rushed toward her, desperate to hold her,<br />three times she fluttered through my fingers, sifting away<br />like a shadow, dissolving like a dream. ** XI. 206–208 (tr. Robert Fagles); Odysseus attempting to embrace his mother's spirit in the Underworld. ** Compare [[Virgil]], ''Aeneid'', II. 792–793 (tr. C. Pitt): **: Thrice round her neck my eager arms I threw;<br />Thrice from my empty arms the phantom flew. * Ὥρη μὲν πολέων μύθων, ὥρη δὲ καὶ ὕπνου. ** There is a time for many words and there is a time also for sleep. ** XI. 379 (tr. A. T. Murray). * &nbsp;&nbsp; αὐτὰρ ἐγὼ ποτὶ γαίῃ χεῖρας ἀείρων<br>βάλλον ἀποθνήσκων περὶ φασγάνῳ: ἡ δὲ κυνῶπις<br>νοσφίσατ᾽, οὐδέ μοι ἔτλη ἰόντι περ εἰς Ἀίδαο<br>χερσὶ κατ᾽ ὀφθαλμοὺς ἑλέειν σύν τε στόμ᾽ ἐρεῖσαι. ** ... I, as I lay dying<br> Upon the sword, raised up my hands to smite her;<br>And shamelessly she turned away, and scorned<br>To draw my eye-lids down or close my mouth,<br>Though I was on the road to Hades' house. ** XI. 423 (tr. [[William Sinclair Marris|William Marris]]); Agamemnon's ghost <!-- "As I lay dying the woman with the dog's eyes would not close my eyes for me as I descended into Hades." — Paraphrased by [[William Faulkner]], c. 1930; As I Lay Dying: The Corrected Text'' (New York: Vintage Books, 1987), editor's note, p. 245 --> * Ἐπεὶ οὐκέτι πιστὰ γυναιξίν. ** The time for trusting women's gone forever! ** XI. 456 (tr. Robert Fagles). *** Alexander Pope's translation: ***: For since of womankind so few are just,<br />Think all are false, nor even the faithful trust. * βουλοίμην κ' ἐπάρουρος ἐὼν θητευέμεν ἄλλῳ,<br />ἀνδρὶ παρ' ἀκλήρῳ, ᾧ μὴ βίοτος πολὺς εἴη,<br />ἢ πᾶσιν νεκύεσσι καταφθιμένοισιν ἀνάσσειν. ** '''By god, I'd rather slave on earth for another man—<br />some dirt-poor tenant farmer who scrapes to keep alive—<br />than rule down here over all the breathless dead.''' ** XI. 489–492 (tr. Robert Fagles); Achilles' ghost to Odysseus. ** Alexander Pope's translation: **: Rather I'd choose laboriously to bear<br />A weight of woes, and breathe the vital air,<br />A slave to some poor hind that toils for bread,<br />Than reign the sceptred monarch of the dead. ** [[File:Punishment sisyph.jpg|thumb|With many a weary step, and many a groan,<br />Up the high hill he heaves a huge round stone;<br />The huge round stone, resulting with a bound,<br />Thunders impetuous down, and smokes along the ground.]] P. S. Worsley's translation: **: Rather would I, in the sun's warmth divine,<br />Serve a poor churl who drags his days in grief,<br />Than the whole lordship of the dead were mine. * Καὶ μὴν Σίσυφον εἰσεῖδον κρατέρ' ἄλγε' ἔχοντα,<br />λᾶαν βαστάζοντα πελώριον ἀμφοτέρῃσιν.<br />τοι ὁ μὲν σκηριπτόμενος χερσίν τε ποσίν τε<br />λᾶαν ἄνω ὤθεσκε ποτὶ λόφον· ἀλλ' ὅτε μέλλοι<br />ἄκρον ὑπερβαλέειν, τότ' ἀποστρέψασκε Κραταιΐς·<br />αὖτις ἔπειτα πέδονδε κυλίνδετο λᾶας ἀναιδής. ** With many a weary step, and many a groan,<br />Up the high hill he heaves a huge round stone;<br />The huge round stone, resulting with a bound,<br />Thunders impetuous down, and smokes along the ground. ** XI. 593–598 (tr. [[w:William Broome|William Broome]]); of [[w:Sisyphus|Sisyphus]]. ;Book XII * Ὦ φίλοι, οὐ γάρ πώ τι κακῶν ἀδαήμονές εἰμεν. ** Friends, we're hardly strangers at meeting danger. ** XII. 209 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Πάντες μὲν στυγεροὶ θάνατοι δειλοῖσι βροτοῖσι,<br />λιμῷ δ' οἴκτιστον θανέειν καὶ πότμον ἐπισπεῖν. ** All ways of dying are hateful to us poor mortals,<br />true, but to die of [[hunger]], starve to death—<br />that's the worst of all. ** XII. 342–343 (tr. Robert Fagles). * βούλομ' ἅπαξ πρὸς κῦμα χανὼν ἀπὸ θυμὸν ὀλέσσαι<br />ἢ δηθὰ στρεύγεσθαι ἐὼν ἐν νήσῳ ἐρήμῃ. ** I’d rather die at sea, with one deep gulp of death,<br />than die by inches on this desolate island here! ** XII. 351–352 (tr. Robert Fagles). <!--*** Alexander Pope's translation: ***: Better to rush at once to shades below<br />Than linger life away, and nourish woe.--> * Ἐχθρὸν δέ μοί ἐστιν<br />αὖτις ἀριζήλως εἰρημένα μυθολογεύειν. ** I hate saying the same thing over and over again. ** XII. 453–454 (tr. Samuel Butler). ;Book XIII * Καὶ τῷ νήδυμος ὕπνος ἐπὶ βλεφάροισιν ἔπιπτε,<br />νήγρετος ἥδιστος, θανάτῳ ἄγχιστα ἐοικώς. ** An irresistible [[sleep]] fell deeply on his eyes, the sweetest,<br />soundest oblivion, still as the sleep of [[death]] itself... ** XIII. 79–80 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Γήθησέν τ' ἄρ' ἔπειτα πολύτλας δῖος Ὀδυσσεὺς<br />χαίρων ᾗ γαίῃ, κύσε δὲ ζείδωρον ἄρουραν. ** Then Ulysses rejoiced at finding himself again in his own land, and kissed the bounteous soil. ** XIII. 353–354 (tr. Samuel Butler). ;Book XIV * Ξεῖν', οὔ μοι θέμις ἔστ', οὐδ' εἰ κακίων σέθεν ἔλθοι,<br />ξεῖνον ἀτιμῆσαι· πρὸς γὰρ Διός εἰσιν ἅπαντες<br />ξεῖνοί τε πτωχοί τε. δόσις δ' ὀλίγη τε φίλη τε<br />γίνεται ἡμετέρη. ** It's wrong, my friend, to send any stranger packing—<br />even one who arrives in worse shape than you.<br />Every stranger and beggar comes from Zeus<br />and whatever scrap they get from the likes of us,<br />they'll find it welcome. ** XIV. 56–59 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Οὐ μὲν σχέτλια ἔργα θεοὶ μάκαρες φιλέουσιν,<br />ἀλλὰ δίκην τίουσι καὶ αἴσιμα ἔργ' ἀνθρώπων. ** The blessed gods have no love for crime.<br />They honor justice, honor the decent acts of men. ** XIV. 83–84 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ἄλλος γάρ τ' ἄλλοισιν ἀνὴρ ἐπιτέρπεται ἔργοις. ** '''Each man delights in the work that suits him best.''' ** XIV. 228 (tr. Robert Fagles). * εὐξάμενός τι ἔπος ἐρέω· οἶνος γὰρ ἀνώγει,<br />ἠλεός, ὅς τ' ἐφέηκε πολύφρονά περ μάλ' ἀεῖσαι<br />καί θ' ἁπαλὸν γελάσαι καί τ' ὀρχήσασθαι ἀνῆκε,<br />καί τι ἔπος προέηκεν, ὅ πέρ τ' ἄῤῥητον ἄμεινον. ** I want to brag a little. I am dizzy,<br />under the influence of [[wine]], which makes<br />even the wisest people sing and giggle,<br />and dance, and say things best not spoken. ** XIV. 463–466 (tr. [[w:Emily Wilson (classicist)|Emily Wilson]]). ;Book XV * Μή νύ τι σεῦ ἀέκητι δόμων ἐκ κτῆμα φέρηται.<br />οἶσθα γὰρ οἷος θυμὸς ἐνὶ στήθεσσι γυναικός·<br />κείνου βούλεται οἶκον ὀφέλλειν, ὅς κεν ὀπυίῃ,<br />παίδων δὲ προτέρων καὶ κουριδίοιο φίλοιο<br />οὐκέτι μέμνηται τεθνηότος οὐδὲ μεταλλᾷ. ** I hope nothing valuable may have been taken from the house in spite of you, but you know what women are—they always want to do the best they can for the man who marries them, and never give another thought to the children of their first husband, nor to their father either when he is dead and done with. ** XV. 19–23 (tr. Samuel Butler). * Τοῦ γάρ τε ξεῖνος μιμνῄσκεται ἤματα πάντα<br />ἀνδρὸς ξεινοδόκου, ὅς κεν φιλότητα παράσχῃ. ** For a guest remembers all his days the hospitable man who showed him kindness. ** XV. 54–55 (tr. G. H. Palmer). * ἶσόν τοι κακόν ἐσθ', ὅς τ' οὐκ ἐθέλοντα νέεσθαι<br />ξεῖνον ἐποτρύνῃ καὶ ὃς ἐσσύμενον κατερύκῃ.<br />χρὴ ξεῖνον παρεόντα φιλεῖν, ἐθέλοντα δὲ πέμπειν. ** Alike he thwarts the hospitable end,<br />Who drives the free, or stays the hasty friend:<br />True friendship's laws are by this rule expressed,<br />'''Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.''' ** XV. 72–74 (tr. Alexander Pope). * Αἵδε δὲ νύκτες ἀθέσφατοι· ἔστι μὲν εὕδειν,<br />ἔστι δὲ τερπομένοισιν ἀκουέμεν· οὐδέ τί σε χρή,<br />πρὶν ὥρη, καταλέχθαι· ἀνίη καὶ πολὺς ὕπνος. ** Long nights the now declining year bestows;<br />A part we consecrate to soft repose,<br />A part in pleasing talk we entertain;<br />For '''too much rest itself becomes a pain.''' ** XV. 392–394 (tr. Alexander Pope). [[File:Telemachus3511.gif|thumb|A man who has been through bitter experiences and travelled far can enjoy even his sufferings after a time.]] * Νῶϊ δ' ἐνὶ κλισίῃ πίνοντέ τε δαινυμένω τε<br />κήδεσιν ἀλλήλων τερπώμεθα λευγαλέοισι<br />μνωομένω· μετὰ γάρ τε καὶ ἄλγεσι τέρπεται ἀνήρ,<br />ὅς τις δὴ μάλα πολλὰ πάθῃ καὶ πόλλ' ἐπαληθῇ. ** But let us, you and I,<br />sit in my cottage over food and wine,<br />and take some joy in hearing how much pain<br />we each have suffered. After many years<br />of agony and absence from one's home,<br />a person can begin enjoying grief. ** XV. 398–401 (tr. Emily Wilson). *** Alexander Pope's translation: ***: Here let us feast, and to the feast be joined<br />Discourse, the sweeter banquet of the mind;<br />Review the series of our lives, and taste<br />The melancholy joy of evils passed:<br />For he who much has suffered, much will know,<br />And pleased remembrance builds delight on woe. *** [[w:E. V. Rieu|E. V. Rieu]]'s translation: ***: Meanwhile let us two, here in the hut, over our food and wine, regale ourselves with the unhappy memories that each can recall. For a man who has been through bitter experiences and travelled far can enjoy even his sufferings after a time. ;Book XVI * Υἱὸν κύσε, κὰδ δὲ παρειῶν<br />δάκρυον ἧκε χαμᾶζε· πάρος δ' ἔχε νωλεμὲς αἰεί. ** He kissed his son, and a tear fell from his cheek on to the ground, for he had restrained all tears till now. ** XVI. 190–191 (tr. Samuel Butler). * Αὐτὸς γὰρ ἐφέλκεται ἄνδρα σίδηρος. ** Iron has powers to draw a man to ruin. ** XVI. 294; XIX. 13 (tr. Robert Fagles) <!-- (1) ''{{w|A Greek–English Lexicon}}'', 9th ed. (1925), vol. 1, p. 742: "The very sight of iron (i.e. arms) draws men on, i.e. tempts them to use them." (2) [[H. L. Mencken]], ''A New Dictionary of Quotations on Historical Principles'' (1942; reprint, 1960), p. 57: "The blade itself incites to violence." — also one of the loading-screen quotations in ''[[Rome: Total War]]'' --> * Ῥηΐδιον δὲ θεοῖσι, τοὶ οὐρανὸν εὐρὺν ἔχουσιν,<br />ἠμὲν κυδῆναι θνητὸν βροτὸν ἠδὲ κακῶσαι. ** It's light work for the gods who rule the skies<br />to exalt a mortal man or bring him low. ** XVI. 211–212 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Κοίτου τε μνήσαντο καὶ ὕπνου δῶρον ἕλοντο. ** They remembered bed and took the gift of sleep. ** XVI. 481 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book XVII * Ἔσθλ' ἀγορεύοντες, κακὰ δὲ φρεσὶ βυσσοδόμευον. ** Welcome words on their lips, and murder in their hearts. ** XVII. 66 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Νῦν μὲν δὴ μάλα πάγχυ κακὸς κακὸν ἡγηλάζει,<br />ὡς αἰεὶ τὸν ὁμοῖον ἄγει θεὸς ὡς τὸν ὁμοῖον. ** Now sure enough the vile man leads the vile!<br />As ever, god brings like and like together! ** XVII. 217–218 (tr. G. H. Palmer). * Αὐτὰρ μῆλα κακοὶ φθείρουσι νομῆες. ** Bad herdsmen waste the flocks which thou hast left behind. ** XVII. 246 (tr. Worsley). * Δμῶες δ', εὖτ' ἂν μηκέτ' ἐπικρατέωσιν ἄνακτες,<br />οὐκέτ' ἔπειτ' ἐθέλουσιν ἐναίσιμα ἐργάζεσθαι·<br />ἥμισυ γάρ τ' ἀρετῆς ἀποαίνυται εὐρύοπα Ζεὺς<br />ἀνέρος, εὖτ' ἄν μιν κατὰ δούλιον ἦμαρ ἕλῃσιν. ** Servants, when their lords no longer sway,<br />Their minds no more to righteous courses bend.<br />Half that man's virtue doth Zeus take away,<br />Whom he surrenders to the servile day. ** XVII. 320–323 (tr. Worsley). * Αἰδὼς δ' οὐκ ἀγαθὴ κεχρημένῳ ἀνδρὶ παρεῖναι. ** How ill, alas! do want and shame agree! ** XVII. 347 (tr. Alexander Pope). * Ἐπεὶ οὔ τις ἐπίσχεσις οὐδ' ἐλεητὺς<br />ἀλλοτρίων χαρίσασθαι. ** Shameless they give, who give what's not their own. ** XVII. 451–452 (tr. Alexander Pope). * Εἰ δή πού τις ἐπουράνιος θεός ἐστι. ** If indeed there be a god in heaven. ** XVII. 484 (tr. [[w:Samuel Butcher (classicist)|S. H. Butcher]] and [[Andrew Lang]]). * Καί τε θεοὶ ξείνοισιν ἐοικότες ἀλλοδαποῖσι,<br />παντοῖοι τελέθοντες, ἐπιστρωφῶσι πόληας,<br />ἀνθρώπων ὕβριν τε καὶ εὐνομίην ἐφορῶντες. ** And [[gods]] in guise of strangers from afar in every form do roam our cities, marking the sin and righteousness of men. ** XVII. 485–487 (tr. G. H. Palmer). ;Book XVIII <!--[[File:Da Vinci Vitruve Luc Viatour.jpg|thumb|Man is the vainest of all creatures that have their being upon earth. ]]--> * Οὐδὲν ἀκιδνότερον γαῖα τρέφει ἀνθρώποιο<br />πάντων, ὅσσα τε γαῖαν ἔπι πνείει τε καὶ ἕρπει. ** Of all that breathes and crawls across the earth,<br />our mother earth breeds nothing feebler than a man. ** XVIII. 130–131 (tr. Robert Fagles). Cf. ''Iliad'', XVII. 446–447. ** Samuel Butler's translation: **: Man is the vainest of all creatures that have their being upon earth. ** Robert Fitzgerald's translation: **: Of mortal creatures, all that breathe and move,<br />earth bears none [[frailer]] than mankind. * Ἀλλ' ὅ γε σιγῇ δῶρα θεῶν ἔχοι, ὅττι διδοῖεν. ** Just take in peace what gifts the gods will send. ** XVIII. 142 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book XIX * Αἶψα γὰρ ἐν κακότητι βροτοὶ καταγηράσκουσιν. ** Hardship can age a person overnight. ** XIX. 360 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Δοιαὶ γάρ τε πύλαι ἀμενηνῶν εἰσὶν ὀνείρων·<br />αἱ μὲν γὰρ κεράεσσι τετεύχαται, αἱ δ' ἐλέφαντι.<br />τῶν οἳ μέν κ' ἔλθωσι διὰ πριστοῦ ἐλέφαντος,<br />οἵ ῥ' ἐλεφαίρονται, ἔπε' ἀκράαντα φέροντες·<br />οἳ δὲ διὰ ξεστῶν κεράων ἔλθωσι θύραζε,<br />οἵ ῥ' ἔτυμα κραίνουσι, βροτῶν ὅτε κέν τις ἴδηται. ** [[w:Gates of horn and ivory|Two gates]] there are for our evanescent dreams,<br />one is made of ivory, the other made of horn.<br />Those that pass through the ivory cleanly carved<br />are will-o'-the-wisps, their message bears no fruit.<br />The dreams that pass through the gates of polished horn<br />are fraught with truth, for the dreamer who can see them. ** XIX. 563–568 (tr. Robert Fagles); spoken by Penelope. * Ἀλλ' οὐ γάρ πως ἔστιν ἀΰπνους ἔμμεναι αἰὲν<br />ἀνθρώπους· ἐπὶ γάρ τοι ἑκάστῳ μοῖραν ἔθηκαν<br />ἀθάνατοι θνητοῖσιν ἐπὶ ζείδωρον ἄρουραν. ** But one can't go without his sleep forever.<br />The immortals give each thing its proper place<br />in our mortal lives throughout the good green earth. ** XIX. 592–594 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book XX * Τέτλαθι δή, κραδίη· καὶ κύντερον ἄλλο ποτ' ἔτλης. ** Bear up, old heart! You've borne worse, far worse... ** XX. 18 (tr. Robert Fagles). ** P. S. Worsley's translation: **: Bear up, my soul, a little longer yet;<br />A little longer to thy purpose cling! * Νύκτας δ' ὕπνος ἔχῃσιν, – ὁ γάρ τ' ἐπέλησεν ἁπάντων,<br />ἐσθλῶν ἠδὲ κακῶν, ἐπεὶ ἂρ βλέφαρ' ἀμφικαλύψῃ. ** Sweet oblivion, sleep<br />dissolving all, the good and the bad, once it seals our eyes. ** XX. 85–86 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Μείδησε δὲ θυμῷ<br />σαρδάνιον μάλα τοῖον. ** The chief indignant grins a ghastly smile. ** XX. 301–302 (tr. Alexander Pope). ;Book XXI * Ὡς ὅτ' ἀνὴρ φόρμιγγος ἐπιστάμενος καὶ ἀοιδῆς<br />ῥηϊδίως ἐτάνυσσε νέῳ περὶ κόλλοπι χορδήν. ** As when in harp and song adept, a bard<br />Unlab'ring strains the chord to a new lyre. ** XXI. 406–407 (tr. William Cowper). ;Book XXII * Ὡς κακοεργίης εὐεργεσίη μέγ' ἀμείνων. ** Clearly doing [[good]] puts doing bad to shame. ** XXII. 374 (tr. Robert Fagles). ;Book XXIII [[File:Odysseus und Penelope (Tischbein).jpg|thumb|We two have secret signs,<br />known to us both but hidden from the world.]] * Ἔστι γὰρ ἥμιν<br />σήμαθ', ἃ δὴ καὶ νῶϊ κεκρυμμένα ἴδμεν ἀπ' ἄλλων. ** We two have secret signs,<br />known to us both but hidden from the world. ** XXIII. 109–110 (tr. Robert Fagles). * Ὅτε οἱ γλυκὺς ὕπνος<br />λυσιμελὴς ἐπόρουσε, λύων μελεδήματα θυμοῦ. ** A deep sleep took hold upon him and eased the burden of his sorrows. ** XXIII. 343–344 (tr. Samuel Butler). ;Book XXIV * Τοὶ δ' ἀλλήλους φιλεόντων<br />ὡς τὸ πάρος, πλοῦτος δὲ καὶ εἰρήνη ἅλις ἔστω. ** Let them be friends,<br />devoted as in the old days. Let peace and wealth<br />come cresting through the land. ** XXIV. 485–486 (tr. Robert Fagles). {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * '''Men grow tired of sleep, love, singing and dancing, sooner than of war.''' ** A [http://listserv.linguistlist.org/pipermail/ads-l/2009-August/092648.html misquotation] of: *** Πάντων μὲν κόρος ἐστὶ καὶ ὕπνου καὶ φιλότητος<br />μολπῆς τε γλυκερῆς καὶ ἀμύμονος ὀρχηθμοῖο,<br />τῶν πέρ τις καὶ μᾶλλον ἐέλδεται ἐξ ἔρον εἷναι<br />ἢ πολέμου· Τρῶες δὲ μάχης ἀκόρητοι ἔασιν. **** Men get<br />Their fill of all things, of sleep and love, sweet song<br />And flawless dancing, and most men like these things<br />Much better than war. Only Trojans are always<br />Thirsty for blood! ***** ''Iliad'', XIII, 636–639 (tr. Ennis Rees) *** The misquotation implies that an overweening love of war was the norm, whereas the real quote decries the Trojans as inhumane for keeping the war going. <!-- George Seldes, ed., ''The Great Thoughts'' (New York: Ballantine Books, 1985), p. 191 --> {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Homer == [[File:Portrait de Dante.jpg|thumb|Homer, the sovereign poet.<br />—[[Dante Alighieri]]]] [[File:Matthew Arnold.jpg|thumb|Finally, he is eminently noble.<br />—[[Matthew Arnold]]]] [[File:William-Adolphe Bouguereau (1825-1905) - Homer and his Guide (1874).jpg|thumb|Seven cities warred for Homer, being dead,<br />Who, living, had no roof to shroud his head.<br />—[[Thomas Heywood]]]] [[File:Quintus Horatius Flaccus.jpg|thumb|Sometimes even excellent Homer nods. —[[Horace]]]] [[File:Alexander Pope by Michael Dahl.jpg|thumb|We acknowledge him the father of poetical diction, the first who taught that language of the gods to men.<br />—[[Alexander Pope]]]] [[File:Jonathan swift.jpg|thumb|Learned commentators view<br />In Homer more than Homer knew.<br />—[[Jonathan Swift]]]] * τυφλὸς ἀνήρ, οἰκεῖ δὲ Χίῳ ἐνὶ παιπαλοέσσῃ,<br>τοῦ πᾶσαι μετόπισθεν ἀριστεύουσιν ἀοιδαί. ** A blind man; he dwells on the rocky {{w|Chios}}; and his songs are the first among men. ** ''Homeric Hymn to Apollo'', lines 172–173 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/reflectionsonpol00heer/page/118/mode/2up G. Bancroft, 1824]) *:<small>Line 172 also quoted by [[Thucydides]], III.104.</small> * ''O fortunate adolescens, qui tuae virtutis Homerum praeconem inveneris!'' ** O happy youth! in having found a Homer to celebrate thy virtues! ** [[Alexander the Great]] at the tomb of Achilles, as quoted by [[Cicero]] in ''[[w:Pro Archia Poeta|Pro Archia]]'' 24. * ''Omero poeta sovrano'' ** '''Homer, the sovereign poet.''' ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''{{w|Divina Commedia}}'' (1321), Inferno, Canto IV, line 88. * ἐκ δὲ γυναικός<br>οὐ θνατᾶς, ματρὸς δ᾿ ἔπλεο Καλλιόπας. ** You were born of no mortal mother, but of [[w:Calliope|Calliope]]. ** {{w|Antipater of Thessalonica}}, Epigram 72 Gow-Page, lines 7–8 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/homerichymnshome0000home/page/412/mode/2up M. L. West, 2003]) *:<small>Also quoted from Antipater by {{w|Pseudo-Plutarch}}, ''On Homer'', I.4.6.</small> * ὥσπερ δὲ καὶ τὰ σπουδαῖα μάλιστα ποιητὴς Ὅμηρος ἦν (μόνος γὰρ οὐχ ὅτι εὖ ἀλλὰ καὶ μιμήσεις δραματικὰς ἐποίησεν), οὕτως καὶ τὸ τῆς κωμῳδίας σχῆμα πρῶτος ὑπέδειξεν, οὐ ψόγον ἀλλὰ τὸ γελοῖον δραματοποιήσας· ὁ γὰρ Μαργίτης ἀνάλογον ἔχει, ὥσπερ Ἰλιὰς καὶ ἡ Ὀδύσσεια πρὸς τὰς τραγῳδίας, οὕτω καὶ οὗτος πρὸς τὰς κωμῳδίας. ** As, in the serious style, Homer is pre-eminent among poets, for he alone combined dramatic form with excellence of imitation, so he too first laid down the main lines of {{w|comedy}}, by dramatizing the ludicrous instead of writing personal satire. His ''{{w|Margites}}'' bears the same relation to comedy that the ''Iliad'' and ''Odyssey'' do to tragedy. ** [[Aristotle]], [[w:Poetics (Aristotle)|''Poetics'']], 1448b34–1449a2 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/poeticsofaristot00arisuoft/page/16/mode/2up S. H. Butcher, <sup>4</sup>1922]) * δεδίδαχεν δὲ μάλιστα Ὅμηρος καὶ τοὺς ἄλλους ψευδῆ λέγειν ὡς δεῖ. ** It is Homer who has chiefly taught other poets the art of telling lies skilfully. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Poetics'', 1460a18–19 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/poeticsofaristot00arisuoft/page/94/mode/2up S. H. Butcher, <sup>4</sup>1922]) * The translator of Homer should above all be penetrated by a sense of four qualities of his author:—that he is eminently rapid; that he is eminently plain and direct both in the evolution of his thought and in the expression of it, that is, both in his syntax and in his words; that he is eminently plain and direct in the substance of his thought, that is, in his matter and ideas; and, finally, that he is eminently noble. ** [[Matthew Arnold]], ''[[w:On Translating Homer|On Translating Homer]]'' (1861) *Homer, for his astonishing variety, animation, and sublimity, has not a warmer admirer than myself; he has been for three thousand years, like a reigning sovereign, applauded as a matter of course, whether from love or fear; for no man with safety to his own character can refuse to join the chorus of his praise. I never can express (and his other admirers have not done it for me) the pleasure I receive from his poems; but in a view of philanthropy, I consider his existence as having been a serious misfortune to the human race. He has given to military life a charm which few men can resist, a splendor which envelopes the scenes of carnage in a cloud of glory, which dazzles the eyes of every beholder, steals from us our natural sensibilities in exchange for the artificial, debases men to brutes under the pretext of exalting them to gods, and obliterates with the same irresistible stroke the moral duties of life and the true policy of nations. [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]] is not the only human monster that has been formed after the model of [[w:Achilles|Achilles]]; nor Persia and Egypt the only countries depopulated for no other reason than the desire of rivalling predecessors in military fame. **[[Joel Barlow]], ''Advice to the Privileged Orders in the Several States of Europe, Resulting from the Necessity and Propriety of a General Revolution in the Principle of Government. Part I.'' (1792), pp. 76-77 *One of the earliest- and perhaps the first-rivals of the hymnology of war, hatred, and revenge made immortal by Homer was the poetry of an Aeolian woman called Sappha by her people but uniformly known to later times as [[Sappho]]... Much of Sappho's poetry was of a plaintive tenderness but she had a fervid feeling for love as a saving grace. Several of her feminine disciples also sang of the beauty and healing force of love. Solon the law-giver and Plato the philosopher were deeply affected by her hymns to the great idea of a [[social power]] unrecognized by "the Bible of the Greeks": Homer. **[[Mary Ritter Beard]], ''Woman as force in history'' (1946) * Homer is the most simple in his style of all the great poets, and resembles most the style of the poetical parts of the Old Testament. They can have no conception of his manner, who are acquainted with him in [[Alexander Pope|Mr. Pope]]'s translation only. An excellent poetical performance that translation is, and faithful in the main to the original. In some places, it may be thought to have even improved Homer. It has certainly softened some of his rudenesses, and added delicacy and grace to some of his sentiments. But withal, it is no other than Homer modernised. In the midst of the elegance and luxuriancy of Mr. Pope's language, we lose sight of the old bard's simplicity. I know indeed no author, to whom it is more difficult to do justice in a translation, than Homer. ** [[Hugh Blair]], ''Lectures on Rhetoric and Belles Lettres'' (1784), Lecture XLIII: 'Homer's Iliad and Odyssey—Virgil's Aeneid', p. 407. * They say no [[woman]] could possibly have written the ''Odyssey''. To me, on the other hand, it seems even less possible that a man could have done so. As for its being by a practised and elderly writer, nothing but youth and inexperience could produce anything so naïve and so lovely. ** [[Samuel Butler (novelist)|Samuel Butler]], ''[http://www.gutenberg.org/files/6173/6173-h/6173-h.htm The Note-Books of Samuel Butler]'' (1912), Part XII, 'Translating the ''Odyssey''<nowiki>'</nowiki>. * Homer's poems were writ from a free fury, an absolute and full soul; [[Virgil]]'s out of a courtly, laborious, and altogether imitatory spirit: not a simile he hath but is Homer's; not an invention, person, or disposition but is wholly or originally built upon Homerical foundations, and in many places hath the very words Homer useth; ... all Homer's books are such as have been precedents ever since of all sorts of poems; imitating none, nor ever worthily imitated of any. ** [[George Chapman]], dedication to ''Achilles' Shield'' (1598). * Of all books extant in all kinds, Homer is the first and best. ** [[George Chapman]], ''The Iliads of Homer'' (1611), Preface to the Reader. * Somewhere along the Ionian coast opposite Crete and the islands was a town of some sort, probably of the sort that we should call a village or hamlet with a wall. It was called Ilion but it came to be called Troy, and the name will never perish from the earth. A poet who may have been a beggar and a ballad-monger, who may have been unable to read and write, and was described by tradition as a blind, composed a poem about the Greeks going to war with this town to recover [[w:Helen of Troy|the most beautiful woman in the world]]. '''That the most beautiful woman in the world lived in that one little town sounds like a legend; that the most beautiful poem in the world was written by somebody who knew of nothing larger than such little towns is a historical fact.''' **[[G. K. Chesterton]], [[The_Everlasting_Man|''The Everlasting Man'']] (1925) * [[w:William Ewart Gladstone|Mr. Gladstone]] read Homer for fun, which I thought served him right. ** [[Winston Churchill]], ''My Early Life'', 1930. * Homer is a world; Virgil, a style. ** [[w:Mark Van Doren|Mark Van Doren]], as quoted in Allen Mandelbaum, trans., ''The Aeneid of Virgil'' (1971), p. vi. * I have found by trial Homer a more pleasing task than Virgil... For the Grecian is more according to my genius than the Latin poet. [...] Virgil was of a quiet, sedate temper; Homer was violent, impetuous, and full of fire. The chief talent of Virgil was propriety of thoughts, and ornament of words; Homer was rapid in his thoughts, and took all the liberties, both of numbers and of expressions, which his language and the age in which he lived allowed him. ** [[John Dryden]], [http://www.bartleby.com/39/25.html Preface] to ''Fables, Ancient and Modern'' (1700). * It is hardly possible to overestimate the importance for Western Literature of the ''Iliad'''s demonstration that the fall of an enemy, no less than of a friend or leader, is [[tragic]] and not comic. With the ''Iliad'', once for all, an objective and disinterested element enters into the poet's vision of human life. Without this element, poetry is merely instrumental to various social aims, to propaganda, to amusement, to devotion, to instruction: with it, it acquires the authority that since the ''Iliad'' it has never lost, an authority based, like the authority of science, on the vision of nature as an impersonal order. ** [[Northrop Frye]], ''[[w:Anatomy of Criticism|Anatomy of Criticism]]'' (1957), p. 319. * The Homeric epics are the oldest poems in Greek that survive, but certainly not the oldest there were. It is not merely that their structure is too complicated and that we can point to contradictions in their contents; the legend of Homer himself contains many features incompatible with the portrait of the poet which we should construct from the sophisticated, sceptical and even frivolous spirit of the poems. The traditional picture of the blind old singer of Chios is largely made up of memories that go back to the time when a poet was a vates— a priestly and God-inspired seer. His blindness is merely the outward sign of the inward light that fills his being and enables him to see things others cannot see. This bodily infirmity expresses— as does the lameness of the divine smith Hephaestus—a second idea that was current in primitive times, that a maker of poems, ornaments and other products of handicraft can only come from the ranks of those who are unfit for war and foray. But apart from this feature, the legendary ‘Homer’ is an almost perfect example of the mythical poet who was still half-divine, a wonder-worker and a prophet. We find the clearest embodiment of this idea in Orpheus, the primeval singer who had his harp from Apollo and instruction in the art of song from the Muse herself; with his music he could move not merely men and beasts but even rocks and could reclaim Eurydice from the bonds of death. ‘Homer’ no longer boasts such magical power, but still retains the features of an inspired seer and remains conscious of a mysterious and sacred intimacy with the Muse whom he so confidently invokes. ** [[Arnold Hauser]], ''The Social History of Art, Volume I: From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'' (1951) * '''Seven cities warred for Homer, being dead,<br />Who, living, had no roof to shroud his head.''' ** [[Thomas Heywood]], ''The Hierarchy of the Blessed Angels'' (1635). * The poems of Homer purported to describe events of the early heroic golden age of {{w|Mycenaean Greece}}, but many of the economic customs Homer described were more characteristic of the late barbaric period, just before 800 B.C.(?), when the epics were supposed to have been written. The forms of government and the economy they describe were [[w:Feudalism|feudal]], and in some respects resembled Europe's [[Middle Ages|Dark Ages]]. ..."Gifts" often took the place of royal revenues, taxes, and payments. ...Even craftsmen were often paid for their services in "gifts". Royal revenues also were derived from the king's personal estate, the duty of personal service, tribute, the spoils of war, piracy, and cattle raids. Armies lived off plunder; conquerors were free from taxation. ** Sidney Homer, ''[[A History of Interest Rates]]'' (1963) p. 32. * ''Indignor quandoque bonus dormitat Homerus.'' ** I'm aggrieved when '''sometimes even excellent Homer nods.''' ** [[Horace]], ''Ars Poetica'' (c. 18 BC), line 359. * The Homeric poems were to the Greeks more than national poems have ever been to any people. ** {{w|Richard Claverhouse Jebb}}, ''Greek Literature'' (1877), p. 33 * The ''Iliad'' and the ''Odyssey'' belong to the end, not to the beginning, of a poetical epoch. They mark the highest point reached by a school of poetry in Ionia, which began by shaping the rude war-songs of Aeolic bards into short lays, and gradually developed a style suited to heroic narrative. ** {{w|Richard Claverhouse Jebb}}, ''Greek Literature'' (1877), p. 36 *In the comparison of Homer and [[Virgil]], the discriminative excellence of Homer is elevation and comprehension of thought, and that of Virgil is grace and splendor of diction. The beauties of Homer are therefore difficult to be lost, and those of Virgil difficult to be retained. **[[Samuel Johnson]], ''[[w:Lives of the Most Eminent English Poets|The Lives of the Most Eminent English Poets; with Critical Observations on their Works. Volume II]]'' (1781), pp. 164-165 * Oft of one wide expanse had I been told<br />That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne;<br />Yet never did I breathe its pure serene<br />Till I heard [[George Chapman|Chapman]] speak out loud and bold:<br />Then felt I like some watcher of the skies<br />When a new planet swims into his ken. ** [[John Keats]], ''[[w:On First Looking into Chapman's Homer|On First Looking into Chapman's Homer]]'' (1817) * Once the diction has been established it works of itself. Almost anything the poet wants to say, has only to be turned into this orthodox and ready-made diction and it becomes poetry. 'Whatever Miss T. eats turns into Miss T.' ** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''A Preface to Paradise Lost'' (1942) * ἐν τῇ Ὀδυσσείᾳ παρεικάσαι τις ἂν καταδυομένῳ τὸν Ὅμηρον ἡλίῳ, οὗ δίχα τῆς σφοδρότητος παραμένει τὸ μέγεθος. ** In the Odyssey one may liken Homer to the setting sun, of which the grandeur remains without the intensity. ** '[[Longinus]]', ''On the Sublime'', 9.13 * I finished the ''{{w|Iliad}}'' to-day... I never admired the old fellow so much, or was so strongly moved by him. What a privilege genius like his enjoys! I could not tear myself away. I read the last five books at a stretch during my walk to-day, and was at last forced to turn into a by-path, lest the parties of walkers should see me blubbering for imaginary beings, the creations of a ballad-maker who has been dead two thousand seven hundred years. What is the power and glory of [[Julius Caesar|Caesar]] and [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]] to that? ** [[Thomas Babington Macaulay]] to his niece Margaret (August 1851), quoted in George Otto Trevelyan, ''The Life and Letters of Lord Macaulay, Volume II'' (1876), pp. 186-187 *No international enterprise as yet has taken the initiative in collecting the hundred most dangerous books ever written. No doubt some time this collection will be made. When it is done, I suggest that Homer's ''Iliad'' and [[Tacitus]]' ''[[w:Germania (book)|Germania]]'' should be given high priority among these hundred dangerous books. This is no reflection on Homer and Tacitus. Tacitus was a gentleman and, for all that I know, Homer was a gentleman too. But who will deny that the ''Iliad'' and the ''Germania'' raise most unholy passions in the human mind? ... [I]f I am going to speak about causes of war in ancient historiography I cannot pass over all the nefarious consequences of that great epic model – the ''Iliad''. Not only did the ''Iliad'' create the model of all those Achilleses and Agamemmnons who have troubled the world ever since, but all the bad historians have learnt from Homer to attribute silly causes to earnest wars. **[[w:Arnaldo Momigliano|Arnaldo Momigliano]], 'Some Observations on Causes of War in Ancient Historiography', ''Acta Congressus Madvigiant'', Proceedings of the Second International Congress of Classical Studies 1954, vol. I (1958), pp. 199-211, quoted in A. D. Momigliano, ''Studies in Historiography'' (1966; 1969), pp. 112-113 *I should never overlook that it is from Homer, his guide and his teacher, that [[Virgil]] derives his skill, nor that one single incident in the ''Iliad'' supplied the bulk of the material for that great and divine ''[[Aeneid]]''. But that is not the way I do my sums. I marshal other qualities, ones which make that great Homer amazing to me, as though he were above our human condition. And in truth I am often struck with wonder that he, who by his authority created so many gods and made them honoured in this world, has not himself been deified. Poor and blind, living as he did before learning had been codified into rules and definite precepts, he had mastered it all so well that those who have subsequently undertaken to establish forms of government, to conduct wars or to write on religion and on philosophy — no matter what School they belong to — or about the arts and crafts, have accepted him as their master, most perfect in all things, and taken his books as a seed-bed for every kind of knowledge. **[[Michel de Montaigne]], 'On the most excellent of men', ''The Complete Essays'', translated by M. A. Screech (1991; 2003), pp. 850-851 *It was against the order of Nature for Homer to have brought forth the most excellent work there can ever be. In Nature's order things are imperfect at birth: they grow up, and become stronger as they grow. He made the childhood of poetry and of several other arts to be adult, complete and mature. That is why, following that beautiful testimony to him which Antiquity has bequeathed to us, he can be called "the first poet and the last": since before him there was none whom he could imitate: after him, none who could imitate him. **[[Michel de Montaigne]], 'On the most excellent of men', ''The Complete Essays'', translated by M. A. Screech (1991; 2003), pp. 851-852 *Besides, what renown can be compared with his? Nothing lives like his fame and his works on the lips of men... Homer provides a noble farce in which over the centuries Kings, Republics and Emperors all play their parts and for which this great universe serves as the theatre. **[[Michel de Montaigne]], 'On the most excellent of men', ''The Complete Essays'', translated by M. A. Screech (1991; 2003), pp. 852-853 *[[Poetry]] changes with every generation, but it does not improve or progress. It just changes its styles, trappings and some of its obsessions, but we can still enjoy [[Sappho]] and Homer; they are today's news as much as when they were written or recited. **[[Marge Piercy]] "WHY SPECULATE ON THE FUTURE?" in ''My Life, My Body'' (2015) * Τί οὖν ποτε περὶ μὲν Ὁμήρου δεινὸς εἶ, περὶ δὲ Ἡσιόδου οὔ, οὐδὲ τῶν ἄλλων ποιητῶν; ἢ Ὅμηρος περὶ ἄλλων τινῶν λέγει ἢ ὧνπερ σύμπαντες οἱ ἄλλοι ποιηταί; οὐ περὶ πολέμου τε τὰ πολλὰ διελήλυθεν καὶ περὶ ὁμιλιῶν πρὸς ἀλλήλους ἀνθρώπων ἀγαθῶν τε καὶ κακῶν καὶ ἰδιωτῶν καὶ δημιουργῶν, καὶ περὶ θεῶν πρὸς ἀλλήλους καὶ πρὸς ἀνθρώπους ὁμιλούντων, ὡς ὁμιλοῦσι, καὶ περὶ τῶν οὐρανίων παθημάτων καὶ περὶ τῶν ἐν Ἅιδου, καὶ γενέσεις καὶ θεῶν καὶ ἡρώων; οὐ ταῦτά ἐστιν περὶ ὧν Ὅμηρος τὴν ποίησιν πεποίηκεν; ** {{smallcaps|Socrates}}: But how did you come to have this skill about Homer only, and not about Hesiod or the other poets? Does not Homer speak of the same themes which all other poets handle? Is not war his great argument? and does he not speak of human society and of intercourse of men, good and bad, skilled and unskilled, and of the gods conversing with one another and with mankind, and about what happens in heaven and in the world below, and the generations of gods and heroes? Are not these the themes of which Homer sings? ** [[Plato]], ''[[w:Ion (dialogue)|Ion]]'', 531c–d * ἔοικε μὲν γὰρ τῶν καλῶν ἁπάντων τούτων τῶν τραγικῶν πρῶτος διδάσκαλος τε καὶ ἡγεμὼν γενέσθαι. ** {{smallcaps|Socrates}}: The first teacher and beginner of all these beauties of tragedy. ** [[Plato]], ''[[The Republic (Plato)|Republic]]'', X.595c (tr. [https://archive.org/details/platorepublic0002paul/page/420/mode/2up P. Shorey, 1935]) * Ὅμηρον ποιητικώτατον εἶναι καὶ πρῶτον τῶν τραγῳδοποιῶν. ** {{smallcaps|Socrates}}: Homer is the most poetic of poets and the first of the tragedians. ** [[Plato]], ''[[The Republic (Plato)|Republic]]'', X.607a (tr. [https://archive.org/details/platorepublic0002paul/page/464/mode/2up P. Shorey, 1935]) * But when to examine every part he came,<br />Nature and Homer were, he found, the same. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[An Essay on Criticism]]'' (1711), lines 134–135 * Our author's work is a wild paradise, where, if we cannot see all the beauties so distinctly as in an ordered garden, it is only because the number of them is infinitely greater. It is like a copious nursery, which contains the seeds and first productions of every kind, out of which those who followed him have but selected some particular plants, each according to his fancy, to cultivate and beautify. If some things are too luxuriant it is owing to the richness of the soil; and if others are not arrived to perfection or maturity, it is only because they are overrun and oppressed by those of a stronger nature. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad]]'' (1727), [[s:The Iliad of Homer (Pope)/Preface|Preface]] * We acknowledge him the father of poetical diction, the first who taught that language of the gods to men. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''The Iliad'' (1727), Preface * ''Hic enim'' [. . .] ''omnibus eloquentiae partibus exemplum et ortum dedit. Hunc nemo in magnis rebus sublimitate, in parvis proprietate superaverit. Idem laetus ac pressus, iucundus et gravis, tum copia tum brevitate mirabilis, nec poetica modo sed oratoria virtute eminentissimus.'' [. . .] ''Quid? in verbis, sententiis, figuris, dispositione totius operis nonne humani ingenii modum excedit?—ut magni sit viri virtutes eius non aemulatione, quod fieri non potest, sed intellectu sequi.'' ** Homer provides the model and the origin of every department of eloquence. No one surely has surpassed him in sublimity in great themes, or in propriety in small. He is at once luxuriant and concise, charming and grave, marvelous in his fullness and in his brevity, supreme not only in poetic but in oratorical excellence. [. . .] Does not Homer transcend the limits of human talent in his words, his thoughts, his Figures, and the Disposition of his whole work? It takes a great mind, I will not say to rival, for that is impossible, but simply to appreciate his virtues. ** [[Quintilian]], ''{{w|Institutio Oratoria}}'', X.1.46–50 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/quintilian-orators_education/2002/pb_LCL127.275.xml D. A. Russell, 2002]) *Each time I put down ''The Iliad'', after reading it again in some new translation, or after reading once more the somber splendor of the Greek, I am convinced, as one is convinced by the experiences of a lifetime, that somehow, in a way beyond the visions of artistry, I have been face to face with the meaning of existence. Other works of literature give this insight, but none so powerfully, so uncontaminated by evasion or subterfuge. If the art of poetry is a symbolic criticism of virtue, ''The Iliad'' is the paramount classic of that art. Its purity, simplicity, definition, and impact reveal life and expose it to irrevocable judgement, with finality and at the beginning of European literature. **[[Kenneth Rexroth]], ''Classics Revisited'' (1968), p. 11 * The first notable product of the Hellenic civilization<!-- was Homer. Everything about Homer is conjectural, but the best opinion seems to be that he was a series of poets rather than an individual. Probably the ''Iliad'' and the ''Odyssey'' between them took about two hundred years to complete, some say from 750 to 550 B.C., while others hold that "Homer" was nearly complete at the end of the eighth century. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), Part I: The Pre-Socratics, Ch. 1: The Rise of Greek Civilization. * The Homeric poems, like the courtly romances of the later Middle Ages, represent the point of view of a civilized aristocracy, which ignores as plebeian various superstitions that are still rampant among the populace. In much later times, many of these superstitions rose again to the light of day. Guided by anthropology, modern writers have come to the conclusion that Homer, so far from being primitive, was an expurgator, a kind of eighteenth-century rationalizer of ancient myths, holding up an upper-class ideal of urbane enlightenment. The Olympian gods, who represent religion in Homer, were not the only objects of worship among the Greeks, either in his time or later. There were other darker and more savage elements in popular religion, which were kept at bay by the Greek intellect at its best, but lay in wait to pounce in moments of weakness or terror. In the time of decadence beliefs which Homer had discarded proved to have persisted, half buried, throughout the classical period. This fact explains many things that would otherwise seem inconsistent and surprising-->. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''[[A History of Western Philosophy]]'' (1945), Part I: The Pre-Socratics, Ch. 1: The Rise of Greek Civilization. * Read Homer once, and you can read no more,<br />For all things else will seem so dull and poor,<br />You'l wish 't unread; but oft upon him look,<br />And you will hardly need another book. ** [[John Sheffield, 1st Duke of Buckingham and Normanby|John Sheffield]], [http://spenserians.cath.vt.edu/TextRecord.php?textsid=33650 ''An Essay upon Poetry''] (1682) * The poems of Homer and his contemporaries were the delight of infant Greece; they were the elements of that social system which is the column upon which all succeeding civilization has reposed. Homer embodied the ideal perfection of his age in human character; nor can we doubt that those who read his verses were awakened to an ambition of becoming like to Achilles, Hector, and Ulysses: the truth and beauty of friendship, patriotism, and persevering devotion to an object, were unveiled to the depths in these immortal creations. ** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''[http://www.bartleby.com/27/23.html A Defence of Poetry]'' (1821) * As learned commentators view<br />In Homer more than Homer knew. ** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''On Poetry'' (1733), lines 103–104. *Are vitality and creativity somehow connected with bellicosity? Could there have been Greek civilisation without this restless obsession with fighting? The place of Homer, especially the ''Iliad'', in Greek culture accentuates these disturbing questions. While the cliché that Homer was "the Bible of the Greeks" is misleading – his was in no way a sacred or unquestionable text – he was central to their basic education, and at least as familiar as [[William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]] is to us, if not more so. ** {{w|Oliver Taplin}}, ''Greek Fire'' (1989), p. 247 *Greek tragedy could never have flowered without Homer as its pioneer. ** {{w|Oliver Taplin}}, ''Greek Fire'' (1989), p. 247 * ''Facilius esse Herculi clavam quam Homero versum subripere.'' ** It is easier to steal the club of Hercules than a line from Homer. ** [[Virgil]], quoted by {{w|Aelius Donatus}}, ''Vita Vergili'', 46. * Notwithstanding the veneration due and paid to Homer, it is very strange, yet true, that among the most learned, and the greatest admirers of antiquity, there is scarce one to be found who ever read the ''Iliad'' with that eagerness and rapture which a woman feels when she reads the [[:fr:w:Zaïde (roman)|Novel of ''Zaïda'']]... The common part of mankind is awed with the fame of Homer, rather than struck with his beauties. ** [[Voltaire]], ''Essay on Epick Poetry'' (1727). * His gods are perhaps at once absurd and entertaining. ** [[Voltaire]], ''Essay on Epick Poetry'' (1727). * It was Homer who gave laws to the artist; it was Homer who inspired the poet. ** [[Francis Wayland]], ''The Iliad and the Bible'', reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), pp. 45 & 609. == See also == * [[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|''The Iliad of Homer'' (Alexander Pope)]] * [[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|''The Odyssey of Homer'' (Alexander Pope)]] == Translations == The following translations into English have been used for the quotations: * ''The Iliad'', trans. [[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]] (Penguin, 1991), {{ISBN|978-1101153635}} * ''The Iliad of Homer'', trans. [[w:Richmond Lattimore|Richmond Lattimore]] (University of Chicago Press, 1951) * ''[[s:The Iliad (Butler)|The Iliad of Homer]]'', trans. [[Samuel Butler]] (1898) * ''The Iliad of Homer'', trans. [[Andrew Lang]], Walter Leaf and Ernest Myers (1883) * ''The Iliad of Homer'', trans. [[w:Edward Smith-Stanley, 14th Earl of Derby|Edward, Earl of Derby]] (1864) * ''[[s:The Iliad of Homer (Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]'', trans. [[Alexander Pope]] (1720) * ''The Odyssey'', trans. [[w:Emily Wilson (classicist)|Emily Wilson]] (W. W. Norton & Company, 2017), {{ISBN|978-0393089059}} * ''The Odyssey'', trans. Robert Fagles (Penguin, 1997), {{ISBN|978-1101221846}} * ''The Odyssey'', trans. [[w:Robert Fitzgerald|Robert Fitzgerald]] (Doubleday, 1961) * ''The Odyssey'', trans. [[w:E. V. Rieu|E. V. Rieu]] (Penguin Books, 1946) * ''[[s:The Odyssey (Butler)|The Odyssey]]'', trans. Samuel Butler (1898) * ''The Odyssey'', trans. [[w:George Herbert Palmer|George Herbert Palmer]] (1884) * ''The Odyssey of Homer'', trans. [[w:Samuel Butcher (classicist)|Samuel Butcher]] and Andrew Lang (1879) * ''The Odyssey of Homer'', trans. [[w:Philip Stanhope Worsley|Philip Stanhope Worsley]] and [[John Conington]] (1865) * ''[[s:The Odyssey of Homer (Cowper)|The Odyssey of Homer]]'', trans. [[William Cowper]] (1791) * ''[[s:Odyssey (Pope)|The Odyssey of Homer]]'', trans. Alexander Pope (1725) == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Wiktionary|Homer}} {{commons category}} {{wikisource author}} [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] [[Category:Epic poets]] [[Category:Blind people]] [[Category:Blind poets]] lnnszfvmtbvaoa8kq5vtmm6hgi7zbi6 0 14174 3944648 3943631 2026-05-23T23:40:31Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944648 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Prince of Egypt|The Prince of Egypt]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998]] American animated [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:drama film|drama film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], based on the book of Exodus about [[w:Moses|Moses]], an Egyptian prince who learns of his identity as an Israelite, and later his destiny to become the chosen deliverer of his people. The film has a direct-to-video prequel ''[[Joseph: King of Dreams]]'' released in 2000. :''Directed by [[w:Brenda Chapman|Brenda Chapman]], [[w:Steve Hickner|Steve Hickner]] and [[w:Simon Wells|Simon Wells]]. Written by [[w:Philip LaZebnik|Philip LaZebnik]]. Songs by [[w:Stephen Schwartz (composer)|Stephen Schwartz]]. on the book of Exodus about [[w:Moses|Moses]], and based on [[w:Egyptian mythology|Egyptian mythology]].'' {{center|'''Two brothers united by friendship, divided by destiny.''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}} ==Moses== * ''[to Rameses]'' Goodbye, brother. * ''[to Buka]'' Stop it. Stop! Stop it! '''LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!!!''' ==Rameses== * Faster, you beasts! You run like mules! * Well, uh, impressive. Hmm. Very well, Moses. I'll play along. ''[chuckling]'' Hotep. Huy. Give this snake charmer our answer. * I WILL '''NOT''' BE THE WEAK LINK! [opens the doors] Tell your people, as of today their work load has been doubled, thanks to your God. [Moses' eyes widen in horror] Or is it thanks... to you? [coldly and angrily shuts the doors] * ''[after the death of his son]'' You...and your people...have my permission...to go. ''[Moses tries to comfort him; jerks off]'' LEAVE ME! * ''[last lines]'' Moses! MOSES! ==God== * With this staff, you shall do, My wonders! ==Tzipporah== * Look. Look at your people, Moses. They are free. ==Miriam== * Moses, hear what I say. I've been a slave all my life. And God has never answered my prayers until now. God saved you from the river, He saved you in all your wanderings, and even now, He saves you from the wrath of Pharaoh. God will not abandon you. So don't you abandon us. ==Aaron== * Miriam, do you want us flogged? ==Others== * '''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' River, O, River / Flow gently for me / Such precious cargo you bear / Do you know somewhere he can be free? / River, deliver him there. * '''Hotep and Huy''': ''[repeated line]'' By the power of Ra! * '''Overseers''': ''[chanting]'' Mud...sand...water...straw. Faster! Mud...and lift...sand...and pull...water...and raise up! Straw...faster! * '''Hebrews''': ''[singing]'' :With the sting of the whip on my shoulder, :With the salt of my sweat on my brow... :Elohim, God on high, can You hear Your people cry? :Help us now, this dark hour... :Deliver us, hear our call, deliver us, Lord of all! :Remember us, here in the burning sand! :Deliver us, there's a land You promised us! :Deliver us out of bondage and, :Deliver us to the promised land! == Dialogue == :''[We open on a yellow sky, swirling with clouds, then cut to thousands of Jewish slaves toiling in the mud and sand as overseers beat them with whips.]'' :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Mud! Sand! Water! Straw! Faster! Mud and lift! Sand and pull! Water, and raise up! Straw! :'''Guard''': Faster! :'''Men''': ''[continues singing]'' With the sting of the whip, on my shoulder! :''[he whip cracks the man]'' :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' With the salt of my sweat on my brow!<br> :Elohim, God on high, can you hear your people cry?<br> :Help us now! <br> :This dark hour! Deliver us! <br> :Hear our call, deliver us! <br> :Lord of all, remember us here in this burning sand!<br> :Deliver us, there's a land you promised us!<br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :''[the guards run]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Yal-di ha-tov veh ha-rach, al ti-ra veh al tif-cha-d.<br> :My son, I have nothing I can give.<br> :But this chance that you may live.<br> :I pray we'll meet again. If he will deliver us. :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us, hear our prayer!<br> :Deliver us from despair <br> :These years of slavery grow too cruel to stand!<br> :Deliver us, there's a land you promised us! <br> :Deliver us out of bondage and <br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :''[they all walk to a river, then Young Miriam puts the basket down, then opening a top]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Hush now, my baby, be still, love, don't cry.<br> :Sleep as you're rocked by the stream.<br> :Sleep and remember my last lullaby.<br> :So I'll be with you when you dream. ''[kisses the baby, then closing the top, then she continues singing]''<br> :River, oh, river, flow gently for me. <br> :Such precious cargo, you bear.<br> :Do you know somewhere he can live free? <br> :River, deliver him there. :'''Young Miriam''': ''[singing]'' Brother, you're safe now and safe may you stay<br> :For I have a prayer just for you.<br> :Grow, baby brother, come back someday.<br> :Come and deliver us, too. :''[Queen Taya pets the baby]'' :'''Rameses''': Mommy! :'''Queen Taya''': Come, Rameses. We will show Pharaoh your new baby brother, Moses. :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us send a shepherd to shepherd us <br> :And deliver us to the promised land! <br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen cuts into they both go chariot racing by opening a door]'' :'''Young Moses''': Ha, ha! :'''Young Rameses:''' Faster, you beasts! You run like mules. :''[they both continue racing]'' :'''Young Moses''': Hey, Rameses, how'd you like to have your face carved on a wall? :'''Young Rameses''': Someday, yes! :'''Young Moses''': How about now?! ''[pushes Rameses' chariot into a wall]'' :'''Young Rameses''': You almost killed me! :'''Young Moses''': Oh, come on! Where's your sense of fun? :'''Young Rameses''': Oh, it's fun you want! :''[He accelerates and goes careening off a dune.]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses? :''[Moses jumps over him, whooping and laughing. Rameses gives chase, as they approach the city of Pyramid of Egypt. They demolish a boardgame being played by two peasants. Rameses rides over an upper level of the city of Pyramid of Egypt like '''[[Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''' and '''[[w:The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3|The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'''.]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Come on, Moses, admit it. You've always looked up to me. :'''Young Moses''': Yes, but it's not much of a view! ''[laughing]'' Hyah! Whoo! ''[the piece lands on the horses, then pulling back]'' :'''Man''': Hey! :'''Young Rameses''': Second born, second place! :'''Young Moses:''' Not for long! :''[they both continue racing, then racing up the stairs, then the wood floor begins falling down, then turning left, then breaking the wood, then the pait falls down, then the ladder falls down, then drawing a mouth at the bottom of the nose, then the wood breaks the nose by falling into the wood, then they run like a helter skelter, then the nose falls closer to Moses]'' :'''Young Moses''': Jump! ''[he jumps away from the wooden floor, breaking it completely, then they run on top, then they laughing, then they slide down by the men with Hotep and Huy, knocking everybody over, then they slide down by sand like a wave of water, then they jump off]'' :'''Young Rameses''': You don't think we'll get in trouble for this, do you? :'''Young Moses''': No, not a chance. :''[Cut to Pharaoh Seti scolding Rameses and Moses]'' :'''Seti''': Why do the gods torment me with such ''reckless'', destructive, blasphemous sons? :'''Young Rameses''': Father, hear what I say- :'''Seti''': Be still, Pharaoh speaks! I seek to build an empire, and your only thought is to amuse yourselves by tearing it down. Have I taught you nothing? :'''Hotep''': You mustn't be so hard on yourself, Your Majesty. You're an excellent teacher. :'''Huy''': It's not your fault your sons learned "nothing". :'''Hotep''': Well, they learned blasphemy. :'''Huy''': True. ''[They both leave]'' :'''Young Moses''': Father, the fault is mine. I goaded Rameses on, and so I am responsible. :'''Seti''': Humph. "Responsible". ''[to Rameses]'' And do you understand the meaning of that word, Rameses? :'''Young Rameses''': I understand, Father. :'''Seti''': And do you understand the task for which your birth has destined you? The ancient traditions: when I pass into the next world, then ''you'' will be the Morning and Evening Star. :'''Young Rameses''': One damaged temple does not destroy centuries of tradition. :'''Seti''': ''[points at Rameses, raising his voice in anger]'' But one ''weak link'' can break the chain of a mighty dynasty! ''[the Queen relieves him. He then sighs in exasperation]'' You have my leave to go. :'''Young Rameses''': Father... ''[The Queen stops him and he leaves, frustrated]'' :'''Young Moses''': Father, you know it was really my fault. Must you be so hard on him? :'''Seti''': Moses, you will never have to carry a burden like the crown I will pass to Rameses. He must not allow himself to be lead astray; not even by you, my son. :'''Young Moses''': All he cares about is...is your approval. I know he will live up to your expectations. He only needs the opportunity. :'''Seti''': ''[considering]'' Maybe, maybe so. Go now, I shall see you both tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Moses''': Well, that went well. :'''Young Rameses''': Just go away. :'''Young Moses''': Could've been worse. :'''Young Rameses''': The weak link in the chain. That's what he called me. :'''Young Moses''': Well, you ''are'' rather pathetic. :'''Young Rameses''': Irresponsible, ignorant of the traditions. He practically accused me of bringing down the dynasty! :'''Young Moses''': Yeah, I can see it now. There go the pyramids! ''[laughs]'' :'''Young Rameses''': ''[leaps down]'' ''You'' can laugh about it. :'''Young Moses''': Statues cracking and toppling over, the Nile drying up; single-handedly, you will manage to bring the greatest kingdom on Earth to ruin. :'''Young Rameses''': Tell me this, Moses, tell me this: why is it that every time ''you'' start something, ''I'm'' the one who ends up in trouble? :''[Moses drops a sack full of wine onto Hotep and Huy]'' :'''Hotep''': Oh! Man! ''[spits out punch]'' :'''Huy''': Oh! :'''Hotep''': Ah! Rameses, you're in trouble, young man! :'''Huy''': Rameses, get down here! I think you owe us an apology! :'''Hotep''': Oh, my new thing! :'''Huy''': I am so upset! :'''Young Moses''': ''[hands Rameses a bowl of wine]'' You might as well. :'''Hotep''': You'll pay for this! :'''Huy''': We're going to tell the Pharaoh! :''[Rameses dumps all the wine on Hotep and Huy]'' :'''Hotep''': Oh, look at me! I'm drenched again! :'''Young Moses''': Hey, I figured it out. You know what your problem is, Rameses? :'''Young Rameses''': What? :'''Young Moses''': You care too much. :'''Young Rameses''': And your problem is that you don't care at all. :'''Young Moses''': Well, in that case, I supposed that you care a lot more than I do that we're...late for the banquet, for example. :''[Rameses's face suddenly lights up in alarm as we cut to Rameses and Moses rushing to the banquet]'' :'''Young Rameses''': I'm done for! Father will kill me! :'''Young Moses''': Don't worry, nobody will even notice us comin' in. ''[They enter, but the entire crowd sees them and cheers loudly]'' :'''Young Rameses''': "Nobody will even notice?" :''[Moses laughs nervously]'' :'''Tuya''': ''[approaches them]'' Ah, the young princes! ''[hugs her sons, then sides to her real son]'' Rameses, you were just named Prince Regent. You are now responsible for overseeing all the temples. I suggest you get over there and thank your father. ''[Rameses walks off]'' Apparently, Moses...someone thought he "just needed the opportunity". :'''Young Moses''': ''[approaches Rameses and Seti]'' My lord, Pharaoh! I propose that the high priests offer tribute to their new Regent! :'''Seti''': An excellent idea! Hotep! Huy! :''[The priests drop the goblets]'' :'''Hotep''': ''[Whispers]'' Huy? :'''Huy''': What? :'''Hotep''': The Midian girl... :'''Huy''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh! Good idea! :'''Hotep''': Go get her. ''[Huy runs off. He addresses the guests and performs a magic spell]'' By the power of Ra! We present for your delectation and delight, an exotic apparition stolen from faraway lands. ''[a large box-like construction rises from the floor, revealing an attractive young woman named Tzipporah, riding a camel. Huy restrains her by her hands with a rope. Moses and Rameses are enthralled]'' We offer you this...delicate desert flower. :''[Hotep yanks the rope, and Tzipporah is dragged off her camel, screaming. The crowd shouted in wild excitement. She fights against her restraints]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Let us inspect this "desert flower"... ''[Tzipporah tries to bites, his hand missed]'' Ehhg! More like a desert cobra. :'''Young Moses''': Not much of a snake-charmer, are you? :'''Young Rameses''': ''[pushes Moses to her]'' That's why I give her to you. :'''Young Moses''': ''[tries to back away from Tzipporah]'' No, no, no. That's generous, but- :'''Tzipporah''': ''[to Moses]'' I won't be given to anyone, especially an arrogant, pampered palace brat! :'''Young Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you gonna let her talk to you like that? ''[Tzipporah groans trying to the ropes off her wrists while Moses gets Rameses off of him]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[points at Tzipporah]'' You will show the proper respect for a prince of Egypt. :'''Tzipporah''': But I am showing you all the respect you deserve. ''[pulls rope away from Hotep and Huy]'' None! :'''Young Moses''': No, wait! Be still! ''[grabs the rope]'' :'''Tzipporah''': I demand you set me free! :'''Young Moses''': Be ''still!'' :'''Tzipporah''': Let ''go!'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[noticed the pond]'' As you wish. ''[lets go of the rope, causing Tzipporah to scream and fall backwards into the pond]'' :''[The crowd laughs. Moses joins in, but sees the queen looking on in disgust, and stops]'' :'''Young Rameses''': ''[approaches, laughing; to the servants who lead Tzipporah out of the pond]'' You there! Have her dried off, and sent to Prince Moses's chambers. ''[to Seti]'' If it pleases you, Father, my first act of Regent is to appoint Moses ''[places the blue ring on Moses' finger]'' as Royal Chief Architect! :''[The crowd cheers. Moses smiles, then stares back at Tzipporah, who looks back at him in disgust, as she is led away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Moses enters his chambers, he sees a silhouetted figure in his bed, and approaches]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[to himself]'' Well...alright... :''[He pulls the curtain back, and sees the servant bound and gagged, and muffled. His two dogs tied to a pillar. Moses runs to the window, and sees several bedsheets tied to the pillar like a ladder. He sees Tzipporah leading her camel through the courtyard. The camel grunts]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[whispers]'' Shh, come on. :''[Moses climbs down the tied bedsheets, then sees two guards]'' :'''Young Moses''': Guards! :'''Guards''': ''[approach him]'' Prince Moses. :'''Young Moses''': ''[stares at Tzipporah, then he addresses the guards]'' There's...a man...tied up in my room. Well, look into it! :'''Guards''': Right away, sir! ''[run off]'' :''[Moses chuckles Then he runs out of the palace, following Tzipporah into the Jewish village. He spies her at a well, talking with a now grown-up Aaron and Miriam]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[whispers to Miriam]'' Please, I need water. I have a long journey ahead of me. :'''Miriam''': ''[giving her water]'' May God protect you. :'''Tzipporah''': Thank you. ''[climbs onto her camel]'' Hut-hut! ''[rides off]'' :''[Moses sees Tzipporah riding out of Egypt, and is smitten. Then he hears the vase shattering, and looks down to Miriam]'' :'''Miriam''': ''[looking up to Moses]'' Oh, I am so sorry… I… please forgive me… I… I didn't expect to see you… ''[recognizing Moses]'' here! Of all places at our door. Hmm. At last! :'''Young Moses''': ''[confused]'' At last? :'''Miriam''': ''[hugging Aaron]'' Didn't I tell you, Aaron? Didn't I tell you? He would return to us when he was ready. :'''Aaron''': ''[whispers]'' Miriam, do you want us flogged? :'''Miriam''': ''[to Moses]'' I knew you cared about our freedom! :'''Aaron''': ''[whispers]'' Miriam... :'''Young Moses''': Freedom? ''[chuckles]'' Why would I care about that? :'''Miriam''': Because you… you're our brother. :'''Young Moses''': ''[scoffs]'' What? :'''Miriam''': ''[her face fell]'' They… ''[Long pauses; sighs]'' they never told you? :'''Young Moses''': Who never told me what? :'''Miriam''': B-But you're here! You must know. ''[reaches to touch his hand]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[pulling away]'' Be careful, slave! :'''Aaron''': ''[pulls Miriam back nervously]'' Oh, my good prince… um, she… she's exhausted from the day's work. Not that it was too much! We… We quite enjoyed it, but-but ah, she's confused, and knows not to whom she speaks. :'''Miriam''': ''[breaks his grip]'' I know "to whom I speak", Aaron! I know who you are, and you are not a prince of Egypt! :'''Aaron''': Miriam-! :'''Young Moses''': What did you say?! :'''Aaron''': Your Highness, pay her no heed! C-C-Come, Miriam. May I discuss something with you? :'''Miriam''': ''[fighting him]'' No, Aaron. No! Please, Moses, you must believe! :'''Aaron''': That's enough. :'''Miriam''': You were born of my mother, Yocheved! :'''Aaron''': Stop it! :'''Miriam''': ''[breaks free of Aaron]'' You are our brother! :'''Young Moses''': Now you go too far. You should be punished! :'''Aaron''': ''[throws himself on ground between them]'' NO! Please… uh, Your Highness… she's ill! She's very ill; we beg your forgiveness. Please, Miriam; l-let's go! ''[starts dragging her away]'' :'''Miriam''': No, Aaron! Our mother set you adrift in a basket to save your life! :'''Aaron''': Miriam! :'''Young Moses''': Save my life?! From who?! :'''Miriam''': ''[still struggling]'' Ask the man that you call father! :'''Young Moses''': ''[angrily]'' How ''dare'' you…?! ''[Aaron gives up and stands beside a wall, looking away]'' :'''Miriam''': God saved you to be our deliverer! :'''Young Moses''': Enough of this! :'''Miriam''': And you are, Moses. You are the deliverer. :'''Young Moses''': ''[yelling at her]'' I SAID ENOUGH! ''[grabs her arm, throws her to ground]'' You will regret this night. ''[stomps off]'' :'''Miriam''': ''[weeps; singing]'' Hush now, my baby. Be still now. Don't cry. Sleep as you're rocked by the stream. ''[Moses stops walking, recognizing the familiar lullaby]'' Sleep and remember my last lullaby. So I'll be with you when you dream. :''[Moses, disturbed by the lullaby only he knows, runs away in confusion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seti''': The Hebrews grew too numerous. They might have risen against us. :'''Young Moses''': ''[on the brink of tears]'' Father, tell me you didn't do this. :'''Seti''': Moses, sometimes, for the greater good, sacrifices must be made. :'''Young Moses''': Sacrifices? :'''Seti''': ''[taking Moses tenderly into his arms]'' Oh, my son… they were only slaves. :''[Moses, greatly disturbed, pulls away, shakes his head in anger and disgust at Seti, and runs off into the darkness]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen Tuya''': Moses? :'''Young Moses''': Is this where you found me? :'''Queen Tuya''': Moses, please try to understand. :'''Young Moses''': So… So everything I thought, everything I am, is a lie. :'''Queen Tuya''': No. You are our son, and we love you. :'''Young Moses''': Why did you choose me? :'''Queen Tuya''': We didn't, Moses. The gods did. ''[walks down the stairs, then sitting down, then singing]'' This is your home, my son.<br> :Here the river brought you<br> :And it's here the river meant <br> :To be your home.<br> :Now you know the truth, love.<br> :Now forget and be content. <br> :When the gods send you a blessing, <br> :You don't ask why it was sent. :''[they both hug]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Rameses''': ''[puts scrolls down]'' Last night, the gods granted me a vision. I'm not merely going to restore this temple, I will make it more grand, more splendid than any other one in Egypt. :''[the slave whip cracks the man's butt, then walking up, then the men continue pulling, then bringing a bag, then the men continue pulling, then knocking the man]'' :'''Man''': Get up! ''[whip cracks the bag]'' :''[he walks away by knocking the man]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Look. Fate has turned our little misadventure into a great opportunity. :''[they both walk]'' :'''Guard''': Get up, old man! :'''Young Rameses''': Father will be so pleased... :'''Guard''': Put your back into it! Faster! :''[Aaron continues chopping]'' :'''Young Rameses''': This is just the beginning. A gateway will open to an entire new city of white limestone, more dazzling than the sun. And here, a statue of Hapi. :'''Guard''': ''[whip cracks the man]'' I said, hurry! :'''Young Rameses''': ...two great column halls. :'''Miriam''': Stop it! Somebody's got to stop this! :'''Aaron''': There's nothing we can do. :''[the guard whip cracks the man, then running by looking at a man with a whip crack hitting him]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[quietly]'' Stop it. ''[louder]'' Stop. STOP IT! LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE! :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! :''[Moses attacks the guard by falling down, breaking the wood]'' :'''Kahma''': Out of my way. Out of my way. Move! Who did this? :'''Man''': Up there! It's him. Up there. :''[he pants, then looking at the men, gasping, then running away]'' :'''Miriam''': Moses! :''[he continues running away, then rolling down, then Rameses grabs Moses]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses, what's going on? Moses! :''[he continues running away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Moses! :'''Young Moses''': Let me go! :'''Young Rameses''': No, wait. :'''Young Moses''': You saw what happened. I just ''killed'' a man! :'''Young Rameses''': We can take care of that! I... I will make it so it never happened! :'''Young Moses''': Nothing you can say can change what I've done. :'''Young Rameses''': I am Egypt! The morning and the evening star! If I say day is night, it will be written! And you will be what I say you are! I say you are innocent! :'''Young Moses''': What you say does not matter. You don't understand. I can't stay here any longer...! :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! :'''Young Moses''': No! All I've ever known to be true is a lie! I'm not who you think I am. :'''Young Rameses''': What are you talking about? :'''Young Moses''': Go ask the man I once called "Father." ''[walks away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses? Please... :'''Young Moses''': ''[with sad finality]'' Goodbye, brother. ''[walks away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Moses! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Moses''': Hey, wait. Please. ''[drags him on the ground, then he continues dragging on the ground, by sheep, then hitting by a well, then putting the face in the water, all wet, then the sheep spits water out, later a girl just shriek off-screen.]'' :'''Girl''': What are you doing? Help! Let our sheep drink! Leave us alone! Get away! Stop it! My father's the high priest of Midian. You're going to be in big trouble. :'''Young Moses''': Hey, you. Aren't these your camels? Hut-hut! :'''Man''': No, no! No, no! ''[they both run to get the camels]'' Wait! Wait, stop! :''[he lays on the ground, then falling in the well, then they all get Young Moses back up]'' :'''Tzipporah''': What are you girls doing? :'''Boy''': We're trying to get the funny man out of the well. :'''Tzipporah''': Trying to get the funny man out of the well. Well, that's one I've never heard before. ''[gasping]'' Oh, my. Oh, uh, don't worry down there! Uh, we'll get you out. Hold on! :''[they all pull Young Moses back up]'' :'''Tzipporah''': You. :'''Young Moses''': Huh? :'''Tzipporah''': ''[lets go of the well, falling in as retribution for what happened]'' Mm-hmm. ''[walks away]'' :'''Girl''': That's why papa says she'll never get married. :''[they all wash Young Moses]'' :'''Young Moses''': You don't have to do this. Ladies, please, I'm really... I'm really quite... No, not there, please. ''[laughing]'' That tickles. Ladies, you've cleaned every inch of me. Whoa, I... I was wrong. :''[the kids laugh]'' :'''Jethro''': Let me through. Let me through. I want to see him. Ah! You are most welcome. ''[hugs Young Moses]'' You should not be a stranger in this land. You have been sent as a blessing. And, tonight, you shall be my honored guest. ''[walks away, laughing]'' :'''Tzipporah''': My father, Jethro, high priest of Midian. <hr width="50%"/> :''[he walks outside of the tent, then looking at a fire]'' :'''Jethrodiadah''': ''[to Moses]'' Psst! Sit with me! :'''Moses''': Alright. ''[sits down with Tzipporah's sisters and picks up the fruit and is about to eats it]'' :'''Ajolidoforah''': ''[to Moses]'' Psst! Not yet! :'''Moses''': Oh, sorry. ''[puts the the fruit back into the bowl]'' :'''Jethro''': My children! Let us give thanks for this bountiful food, and let us also give thanks for the presence of this brave young man whom we honor here tonight. :'''Moses''': Please, sir, I wish you wouldn't. I've done nothing in my life worth honoring. ''[Tzipporah is surprised by these words. So is Jethro]'' :'''Jethro''': First you rescue Tzipporah from Egypt, ''[pinches Tzipporah's cheek playfully]'' then you defend my younger daughters from brigands. ''[walks over and hugs Tzipporah's sisters]'' You think that is nothing? It seems you do not know what is worthy of honor. ''[singing]'' A single thread in a tapestry though its color brightly shine<br> :Can never see its purpose in a pattern of the grand design.<br> :And the stone that that sits on the very top of the mountain's mighty face<br> :Does it think it's more important than the stones that form the base? <br> :So, how can you see what your life is worth or where your value lies?<br> :You can never see through the eyes of man. <br> :You must look at your life, look at your life through heaven's eyes. :'''Crowd''': ''[singing]'' La-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. La, la-la-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la. Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-la. :'''Jethrodiadah''': Dance with me. :'''Young Moses''': No, I don't know how. :''[grabs the children, then clapping to the dancing beat, then they all pull up a tent]'' :'''Jethro''': ''[singing]'' A lake of gold in the desert sand is less than a cool, fresh spring<br> :And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy is greater than the richest king<br> :If a man loses everything he knows, has he truly lost his worth,<br> :Or is it the beginning of a new and brighter birth? <br> :So how do you measure the worth of a man in wealth or strength or size?<br> :In how much he gained or how much he gave?<br> :The answer will come, the answer will come to him who tries. <br> :To look at his life through heaven's eyes! <br> :And that's why we share all we have with you, though there's little to be found.<br> :When all you've got is nothing, there's a lot to go around. <br> :No life can escape being blown out by the winds of change and chance. <br> :And though you never know all the steps :'''Tzipporah''': Dance with me. :'''Moses''': No, I... No. No! :'''Jethro''': ''[singing]'' You must learn to join the dance. You must learn to join the dance! :'''Crowd''': ''[singing]'' La-la-la, lee-lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai! Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai! Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai-lai! So how do you judge what a man is worth by what he builds or buys,<br> :You can never see with your eyes on earth! <br> :Look through heaven's eyes! <br> :Look at your life! Look at your life!<br> :Look at your life through heaven's eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': ''[touches Tzipporah, then kissing Tzipporah]'' I love you. ''[gets up, then walks away, then opens a curtain, looking at the sky by the sheep, then inhaling, then walking by the sheep, then petting the sheep, then the sheep runs away, then sighing, then walking up]'' It's too early for this. ''[he walks inside a cave by God, then looking at it, then getting down by God, then touching the fire, holding a stick, then the head touches a fire]'' :'''God''': ''[whispering]'' ''Moses...'' :'''Moses''': Here I am. :'''God''': ''Take the sandals from your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground.'' :'''Moses''': Who are you? :'''God''': ''I Am that I Am.'' :'''Moses''': I don't understand. :'''God''': ''I am the God of your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.'' :'''Miriam''': ''[from Moses' memory]'' You are born of my mother Yocheved! You are our brother! :'''Moses''': ''[quickly removes his sandals and throws them behind him]'' What do You want with me? :'''God''': ''I have seen the oppression of my people in Egypt, and have heard their cry.'' ''[sounds of screaming and whipping of an old man from Moses' memory]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[from Moses' memory]'' '''''Stop it! Leave that man alone!''''' :'''God''': ''So I have come to deliver them out of slavery and bring them into a good land. A land flowing with milk and honey. And so, unto Pharaoh, I shall send''...'''you.''' :'''Moses''': Me? Who am I to lead these people? They'll never believe me, they won't even listen. :'''God''': ''I shall teach you what to say.'' ''[Moses' words "Let my people go!" is heard in his vision]'' :'''Moses''': But I was their enemy. I was the prince of Egypt, the son of the man who slaughtered...their children! You've...you've chosen the wrong messenger. H-H-How can I even speak to these people? :''[The bush flame brightens and the blue flames spread out, God yells loudly]'' :'''God''': ''''' WHO MADE MAN'S MOUTH?! WHO MADE THE DEAF, THE MUTE, THE SEEING, OR THE BLIND? DID NOT I?! NOW GO!''''' :''[Moses falls to the ground, cowering; God gently lifts Moses off the ground]'' :'''God''': ''Oh, Moses. I will be with you when you go to the king of Egypt. But Pharaoh will not listen. So I will stretch out My hand and smite Egypt with all My wonders! Take the staff in your hand, Moses. With it, you shall do My wonders!'' ''I shall be with you, Moses.'' ''[puts Moses down on the ground, and vanishes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tzipporah''': But, Moses, you are just one man. :'''Moses''': Tzipporah, please. ''[sighing]'' Look at your family. :'''Moses''': They are free. They have a future. They have hopes and dreams and the promise of a life with dignity. That is what I want for my people. And that is why I must do the task that God has given me. :''[the people walk with the sheep, then they hug]'' :'''Tzipporah''': I'm coming with you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[they all wave with the camel walking by Moses and Tzipporah, by desert, buildings, then the men push, with the camel walking with Moses and Tzipporah, then laying on the ground, then grabbing the boy, then the men walk away, the guards walk inside, by the men, then they all lay down, then Rameses puts his hand up]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses. :'''Rameses''': Moses? Is it really? :'''Rameses''': ''[hugs Moses]'' Moses! :'''Moses''': Rameses! :'''Rameses''': Where have you been? I took you for dead. :''[they both laugh]'' :'''Rameses''': Look at you! :'''Moses''': Pharaoh. :'''Rameses''': Well, look at you. What on earth are you dressed as? :'''Moses''': Oh, Rameses, it's so good to see you. :'''Hotep''': Excuse me, Your Majesty. We are compelled to remind you this man committed a serious crime against the gods. :'''Huy''': We are loathe to bring it up, mind you. :'''Hotep''': The law clearly states the punishment for such a crime... :'''Huy''': Death! :'''Hotep''': We hesitate to say it. :'''Rameses''': Be still. Pharaoh speaks. I am the morning and the evening star. :'''Moses''': Rameses. :'''Rameses''': It shall be as I say. I pardon forever all crimes of which he stands accused and will have it known that he is our brother Moses, the prince of Egypt. :'''Moses''': Rameses, in my heart, you are my brother, but things cannot be as they were. :'''Rameses''': I see no reason why not. :'''Moses''': You know I am a Hebrew, and the God of the Hebrews came to me. :'''Rameses''': What? :'''Moses''': He commands that you let his people go. :''[the crowd murmur]'' :'''Rameses''': Commands? :'''Moses''': ''[raises his stick]'' Behold, the power of God. ''[puts his stick down, then transforming into a snake]'' :'''Rameses''': Well, uh, impressive. Hmm. Very well, Moses. I'll play along. ''[chuckling]'' Hotep. Huy. Give this snake charmer our answer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Both''': By the power of Ra. :'''Hotep''': Mut. :'''Huy''': Nut. :'''Hotep''': Khnum. :'''Huy''': Ptah. :'''Hotep''': Nephthys. :'''Huy''': Nekhbet. :'''Hotep''': Sobek. :'''Huy''': Sekhmet. Sokar. Selket. Reshpu. Wadjet. Anubis. Anukis. Seshmu. Meshkent. :'''Hotep''': Hemsut. :'''Huy''': Tefnut. :'''Hotep''': Heket. :'''Huy''': Mafdet. :'''Hotep''': Ra, Mut, Nut, Ptah. Hemsut, Tefnut, Sokar, Selket. Seshmu, Reshpu, Sobek, Wadjet. Heket, Mafdet, Nephthys, Nekhbet, Ra! ''[singing]'' So you think you've got friends in high places with the power to put us on the run. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Well, forgive us these smiles on our faces. You'll know what power is when we are done. :'''Both''': Son. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Playing with the big boys now. :'''Hotep''': Oh, that's pretty. ''[singing]'' Every spell and gesture. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Tells you who's the best. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now. You're playing with the big boys now. You're playing with the big boys now. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' Stop this foolish mission! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Watch a true magician! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' Give an exhibition how! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Pick up your silly twig, boy! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now! :'''Hotep''': Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! :'''Priests''': ''[singing]'' By the power of Ra, Mut, Nut, Khnum, Ptah, Sobek, Sekhmet, Sokar, Selket, Anubis, Anukis, Hemsut, Tefnut, Meshkent, Mafdet! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now! You're playing with the big boys now! By the might of Horus, you will kneel before us! Kneel to our splendorous power! :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' You put up a front! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' You put up a fight! :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' And just to show we feel no spite. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' You can be our acolyte. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' But first, boy. It's time to bow. :'''Priests''': Kowtow! Or it's your own grave you'll dig, boy. You're playing with the big boys.<br> :Playing with the big boys. Playing with the big boys. <br> :Playing with the big boys! Playing with the big boys!<br> :Playing with the big boys! Playing with the big boys now! :''[the crowd cheer]'' :'''Huy''': They love it. :''[they all shout and cheer, then grabbing a snake, transforming back into a stick, then they both walk out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rameses''': All right, Moses, I know you. What's this really about? :'''Moses''': Rameses, look. What do you see? :'''Rameses''': A greater Egypt than that of my father. :'''Moses''': That is not what I see. :'''Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Moses, I cannot change what you see. I have to maintain the ancient traditions. I bear the weight of my father's crown. :'''Moses''': Do you still not understand what Seti was? :'''Rameses''': He was a great leader. :'''Moses''': His hands bore the blood of thousands of children. :'''Rameses''': ''[scoffs]'' Slaves. :'''Moses''': My people! And I can no longer hide in the desert while they suffer...at your hands. :'''Rameses''': So...you have returned...only to free them. :'''Moses''': ''[removes the ring Rameses gave him and places it on the armrest of the throne]'' I'm sorry. :'''Rameses''': ''[picks it up and bows his head, saddened]'' Yes. I had hoped...that... ''[closes his eyes, looks up, his regret melted into cold anger, put your hat on and stands up]'' I do not know this God. Neither will I let your people go. ''[turns to leaves]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses, please, you must listen-! :'''Rameses''': ''[furiously]'' I WILL '''''NOT''''' BE THE WEAK LINK! ''[opens the doors]'' Tell your people, as of today their work load has been doubled, thanks to your God. ''[Moses' eyes widen in horror]'' Or is it thanks... to you? ''[coldly and angrily shuts the doors]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Hebrew Man''': ''[looks up and sees Moses]'' It's Moses. ''[throws a handful of mud at Moses' face, which sends him to the underground]'' :'''Tzipporah''': Moses! ''[Aaron and several other Hebrews surround Moses, looking at him angrily]'' :'''Aaron''': So, Moses, how does it feel when ''you'' get struck to the ground? :'''Moses''': I didn't mean to cause you more pain. I'm just trying to do as God told me. :'''Aaron''': God? ''[scoffs]'' When did God start caring about any of us? In fact, Moses, when did ''you'' start caring about slaves? Was it when you found out that you ''were'' one of us? :'''Tzipporah''': Don't listen to him. :'''Moses''': No, he's right. I did not see because I did not wish to see. :'''Aaron''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you didn't see because you didn't ''wish'' to see. Ah! Well, that makes everything fine then, doesn't it? :'''Miriam''': ''[walks over and glares at her brother, unimpressed]'' Aaron! You shame yourself! ''[then sees Moses, smilingly]'' :'''Moses''': Miriam. I'm so sorry. ''[covers his face in shame]'' :'''Miriam''': Moses, hear what I say. I have been a slave all of my life, and God has never answered my prayers until now. God saved you from the river, He saved you in all your wanderings, and even now, He saves you from the wrath of Pharaoh. God will not abandon you. So don't you abandon us. ''[They all look at the men. Moses sees Rameses' boat on the Nile River, then grabs his staff, and walks down. Miriam follows him]'' :'''Aaron''': Miriam. Where are you going? M-Miriam. ''[They all walk down, then looking at a boat]'' :'''Hotep''': The ball disappears. Now, where is it? It's in his hand. How about that? ''[The Egyptians all laugh]'' :'''Moses''': ''[walks over to the edge of the river]'' Rameses! Let my people go! :'''Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Still gnawing away at that bone, are we? ''[to his guards]'' Carry on. :'''Moses''': You cannot keep ignoring us. :'''Rameses''': Enough! I will hear no more of this Hebrew nonsense. ''[to his guards]'' Bring him to me. ''[Guards pull out their knives and jump into the Nile to retrieve Moses]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[running after him]'' ''Moses!'' :'''Aaron''': ''[holding Tzipporah back along with Miriam]'' No! ''[Moses walks into the water, and looks up to the sky]'' :'''God''': ''Take the staff in your hand, Moses.'' : ''[Moses follows God's command; dips staff into water; water slowly turns to blood in the water; Miriam, Tzipporah and Aaron rushed down to the water; guards look confused; 1 guard dips hand into blood infested water]'' :'''Rameses' Son''': ''[touches the blood infested water]'' Father- :'''Miriam''': It's- :'''Guard''': BLOOD! :''[The guards start screaming in horror and rush to back to the boat]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[getting splattered with blood]'' Hotep! Huy! Explain this to me! :'''Hotep''': Ah! :'''Huy''': Rest assured, Your Majesty! :'''Hotep''': Uh, yes, we were going to demonstrate the superior might of our gods. Uh... ''[puts the jug down, then collects the red powder]'' By the power of Ra! ''[drops the red powder into the water, creates the same blood]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[dips his hand to the blood, and chuckles]'' Abandon this futile mission, Moses. I've indulged you long enough! This must now be finished! ''[sails off]'' :'''Moses''': ''[to himself]'' No, Rameses. It is only beginning. :'''Aaron''': But, Moses, didn't you see what happened? The priests did the same thing. Pharaoh still has the power over our lives. :'''Moses''': Yes, Aaron, it's true. Pharaoh has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharaoh can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you: Your faith. ''[Miriam smiles]'' Believe, for we will see God's wonders. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chorus''': ''[Singing]'' : Thus saith the Lord, : thus saith the Lord... : Since you refuse to free my people all : through the land of Egypt, : I send a pestilence and plague Into your house, : into your bed, into your streams, into your streets, : into your drink, into your bread, upon your cattle, : on your sheep, upon your oxen, in your field, : into your dreams, into your sleep, until you break, : until you yield, I send the swarm, : I send the horde, Thus saith the Lord. :'''Moses''': ''[Singing]'' : Once I called you brother. : Once I thought the chance to make you laugh : was all I ever wanted... :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the thunder from the sky, : I send the fire raining down. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : And even now, : I wish that God had chose another. : Serving as your foe on His behalf, : is the last thing that I wanted. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send a hail of burning ice on every field, : on every town. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : This was my home... : All this pain and devastation, : how it tortures me inside. : All the innocent who suffer, : from your stubbornness and pride. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the locusts on a wind, : such as the world has never seen, on every leaf, : on every stalk, until there's nothing left of green! : I send my scourge, I send my sword. : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : You who I called brother, : why must you call down another blow? :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send my scourge, : I send my sword. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : Let my people go. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord. :'''Moses and Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Rameses''': ''[Singing]'' : You who I called brother. : How could you have come to hate me so? : ''Is this what '''you''' wanted?'' :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the swarm, : I send the horde. :'''Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : Then let my heart be hardened, : and never mind how high the cost may grow. : This will still be so: : I will never let your people go! :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord. :'''Moses and Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : I will not- :'''Moses, Chorus and Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : Let your ''[Moses: my]'' people go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': Rameses? Rameses? :'''Rameses''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let me guess. You want me to… "let your people go". :'''Moses''': I… I hoped I would find you here. :'''Rameses''': Get out! ''[throws a goblet at him, but misses]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses… we must bring this to an end. ''[Rameses is silent]'' Rameses, please. Talk to me. We could always talk here. ''[paused]'' This place… so many memories… I remember the time you… ''[chuckles]'' switched the heads of the gods in the Temple of Ra. ''[silent, starts to leave]'' :'''Rameses''': If I recall correctly, you were there switching heads right along with me. :'''Moses''': No, that was you, I didn't do that. :'''Rameses''': Oh yes, you did. You put the hippo on the crocodile and the crocodile… :'''Moses''': ''[remembers]'' …on the falcon. :'''Rameses''': Yes! And the priests thought it was a horrible omen and fasted for two months! Father was furious! You were always getting me into trouble! ''[pauses as his expression softens]'' But then… you were always there to get me ''out'' of trouble again. ''[chuckles]'' Why can't things be the way they were before? :'''Rameses' Son''': Father, it's so dark. I'm frightened. ''[Rameses walks over to son to comfort him; sees Moses]'' Why is ''he'' here? Isn't that the man who did all this?! :'''Rameses''': Yes. But one must wonder… why? :'''Moses''': Because no kingdom should be made on the backs of slaves. Rameses, your stubbornness is bringing this misery upon Egypt. It would cease if only you would let the Hebrews go. :'''Rameses''': I will not be dictated to. I will not be threatened! I am the Morning and the Evening Star! I ''am'' '''''Pharaoh!''''' :'''Moses''': Something else is coming, something much worse than anything before! Please! Let go of your contempt for life before it destroys everything you hold dear. Think of your '''son!''' ''[Rameses' son backs away in fear]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[coldly]'' I do. You Hebrews have been nothing but trouble. My father had the right idea about how to deal with ''your'' people. :'''Moses''': ''[worried]'' Rameses! :'''Rameses''': And I think it's time I finished the job! :'''Moses''': ''Rameses!'' :'''Rameses''': And there shall be a great cry in all of Egypt, such as never has been or ever will be again! :''[Moses sees the murals of Pharaoh pointing at a baby, babies in the water, and Rameses' son, who is now utterly horrified. He fears for his nephew's life]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses, you bring this upon yourself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': God has come to me again, saying, '''"Take a lamb, and with its blood...mark the lintel and posts of every door. For tonight...I shall pass through the land of Egypt...and smite all the firstborn. But when I see the blood upon your door...I will pass over you, and the plague shall not enter"'''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Many nights we've prayed with no proof anyone could hear. : In our hearts a hopeful song, we barely understood. : Now we are not afraid. Although we know there's much to fear. : We were moving mountains long before we knew we could. : There can be miracles when you believe. : Though hope is frail. It's hard to kill. : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. : When you believe somehow you will. : You will when you believe. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : In this time of fear, when prayers so often proved in vain. : Hope seemed like the summer birds too swiftly flown away. : Yet now I'm standing here. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Now I'm standing here. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : With so heart so full I can't explain. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say. : There can be miracles when you believe. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Though hope is frail. It's hard to kill. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : It's hard to kill. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. : When you believe somehow you will. : You will when you believe. :'''Child''': ''[singing]'' : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : ?מִי-כָמֹכָה, בָּאֵלִים אֲדֹנָי (''Miy-xámoxáh, báéliym Ădonáy?'' "Who is like you, O Lord among the gods?") : ?מִי כָּמֹכָה, נֶאְדָּר בַּקֹּדֶשׁ (''Miy kámoxáh, neëddár baqqodeš?'' "Who is like you, glorious in holiness?") :'''Children''': ''[singing]'' : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : ?מִי-כָמֹכָה, בָּאֵלִים אֲדֹנָי (''Miy-xámoxáh, báéliym Ădonáy?'' "Who is like you, O Lord among the gods?") : ?מִי כָּמֹכָה, נֶאְדָּר בַּקֹּדֶשׁ (''Miy kámoxáh, neëddár baqqodeš?'' "Who is like you, glorious in holiness?") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : There can be miracles when you believe! : Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill! :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : It's hard to kill. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : You can achieve. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : When you believe, somehow you will. : Now you will. : You will when you believe. : When you believe. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : You will when you. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : You will. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Believe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moses walks to the edge of the sea and raises the stick]'' :'''God''': ''With this staff, you shall do my wonders!'' :''[Moses drops the stick. The waters flow up, by rocks, causing the wind, then Aaron walks by Moses, then walking away, then they all walk in, by the wind and thunder, then putting the sheep down, then breaking a wheel]'' :'''Moses''': Leave it! :''[they continue walking, then lighting the torches, by a whale, then gasping, then they continue walking, then the camel lays on Aaron]'' :'''Aaron''': Yeah, me too. :''[he puts down the woman, then the tornado hits the ground, then the tornado disappears, then taking a sword out, the the horses run, and the guards run by horses by charging the people, then the chariot breaks, then the horses continue running, then getting up]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[battle cries out]'' DON'T JUST STAND THERE, KILL THEM! ''[the guards run at the Hebrews]'' KILL THEM ALL! :'''Moses''': The soldiers! They're coming! :''[the Hebrews run away in fear]'' :'''Aaron''': Moses! Moses! Hurry! Hurry! I got you. :'''Man''': Look, the shore! :''[the sea opens, then the men continue running away, then hearing a thunderclap, then the water falls down, then the water crashes down on the soldiers]'' :'''Rameses''': No! ''[the water puts Rameses on a rock]'' :''[he runs away by a wave by wind, then the water transforms back into the sea, long pause, then hugging Aaron, then they all murmur and chatter, then hugging the child, then touching the sand, then hugging the woman, and Tzipporah, then Aaron hugs Moses, then Miriam hugs Tzipporah, then walking to Miriam and Tzipporah, then Miriam hugs Moses]'' :'''Moses''': Thank you. :''[she walks away, then Moses walks away, by looking at clouds and sea, then cut to Rameses]'' :'''Rameses''': Moses! Moses! <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Moses''': Good-bye, brother. ''[he walks up]'' :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh! Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously! I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") :'''Tzipporah''': Look. Look at your people, Moses. ''[they both look at the people]'' They are free. :'''Chorus''': ''[continues singing]'' : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") :''[Moses, holding the Ten Commandments, walks down the hill, overlooking the village]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us! == Cast == * [[Val Kilmer]] - Moses/God (voice) **[[w:Amick Byram|Amick Byram]] - Moses (singing voice) * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - Rameses II (voice) * [[Michelle Pfeiffer]] - Tzipporah (voice) * [[Sandra Bullock]] - Miriam (voice) ** [[w:Brenda Chapman|Brenda Chapman]] - Miriam (singing voice of "River Lullaby") ** [[w:Sally Dworsky|Sally Dworsky]] - Miriam (singing voice of "When You Believe") ** [[w:Eden Riegel|Eden Riegel]] - Young Miriam (voice) * [[Jeff Goldblum]] - Aaron (voice) * [[w:Danny Glover|Danny Glover]] - Jethro (voice) ** [[w:Brian Stokes Mitchell|Brian Stokes Mitchell]] - Jethro (singing voice) * [[Patrick Stewart]] - Pharaoh Seti I (voice) * [[Helen Mirren]] - Queen Tuya (voice) ** Linda Dee Shayne - Queen Tuya (singing voice) * [[Steve Martin]] - Hotep (voice) * [[Martin Short]] - Huy (voice) * [[w:Ofra Haza|Ofra Haza]] - Yocheved (voice) * Bobby Motown - Rameses' Son (voice) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0120794|title=The Prince of Egypt}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=prince_of_egypt|title=The Prince of Egypt}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Prince of Egypt, The}} [[Category:The Prince of Egypt]] [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1998 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated coming-of-age films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Simon Wells films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films about slavery]] [[Category:Films directed by Brenda Chapman]] [[Category:Censored films]] [[Category:Animated films set in ancient Egypt]] [[Category:DreamWorks Animation]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] 4v1p7furiq9jz8r43x7bkz37xv2ur92 3944653 3944648 2026-05-23T23:48:33Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944653 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Prince of Egypt|The Prince of Egypt]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998]] American animated [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:drama film|drama film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], based on the book of Exodus about [[w:Moses|Moses]], an Egyptian prince who learns of his identity as an Israelite, and later his destiny to become the chosen deliverer of his people. The film has a direct-to-video prequel ''[[Joseph: King of Dreams]]'' released in 2000. :''Directed by [[w:Brenda Chapman|Brenda Chapman]], [[w:Steve Hickner|Steve Hickner]] and [[w:Simon Wells|Simon Wells]]. Written by [[w:Philip LaZebnik|Philip LaZebnik]]. Songs by [[w:Stephen Schwartz (composer)|Stephen Schwartz]]. on the book of Exodus about [[w:Moses|Moses]], and based on [[w:Egyptian mythology|Egyptian mythology]].'' {{center|'''Two brothers united by friendship, divided by destiny.''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}} ==Moses== * ''[to Rameses]'' Goodbye, brother. * ''[to Buka]'' Stop it. Stop! Stop it! '''LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!!!''' ==Rameses== * Faster, you beasts! You run like mules! * Well, uh, impressive. Hmm. Very well, Moses. I'll play along. ''[chuckling]'' Hotep. Huy. Give this snake charmer our answer. * I WILL '''NOT''' BE THE WEAK LINK! [opens the doors] Tell your people, as of today their work load has been doubled, thanks to your God. [Moses' eyes widen in horror] Or is it thanks... to you? [coldly and angrily shuts the doors] * ''[after the death of his son]'' You...and your people...have my permission...to go. ''[Moses tries to comfort him; jerks off]'' LEAVE ME! * ''[last lines]'' Moses! MOSES! ==God== * With this staff, you shall do, My wonders! ==Tzipporah== * Look. Look at your people, Moses. They are free. ==Miriam== * Moses, hear what I say. I've been a slave all my life. And God has never answered my prayers until now. God saved you from the river, He saved you in all your wanderings, and even now, He saves you from the wrath of Pharaoh. God will not abandon you. So don't you abandon us. ==Aaron== * Miriam, do you want us flogged? ==Others== * '''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' River, O, River / Flow gently for me / Such precious cargo you bear / Do you know somewhere he can be free? / River, deliver him there. * '''Hotep and Huy''': ''[repeated line]'' By the power of Ra! * '''Overseers''': ''[chanting]'' Mud...sand...water...straw. Faster! Mud...and lift...sand...and pull...water...and raise up! Straw...faster! * '''Hebrews''': ''[singing]'' :With the sting of the whip on my shoulder, :With the salt of my sweat on my brow... :Elohim, God on high, can You hear Your people cry? :Help us now, this dark hour... :Deliver us, hear our call, deliver us, Lord of all! :Remember us, here in the burning sand! :Deliver us, there's a land You promised us! :Deliver us out of bondage and, :Deliver us to the promised land! == Dialogue == :''[We open on a yellow sky, swirling with clouds, then cut to thousands of Jewish slaves toiling in the mud and sand as overseers beat them with whips.]'' :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Mud! Sand! Water! Straw! Faster! Mud and lift! Sand and pull! Water, and raise up! Straw! :'''Guard''': Faster! :'''Men''': ''[continues singing]'' With the sting of the whip, on my shoulder! :''[he whip cracks the man]'' :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' With the salt of my sweat on my brow!<br> :Elohim, God on high, can you hear your people cry?<br> :Help us now! <br> :This dark hour! Deliver us! <br> :Hear our call, deliver us! <br> :Lord of all, remember us here in this burning sand!<br> :Deliver us, there's a land you promised us!<br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :''[the guards run]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Yal-di ha-tov veh ha-rach, al ti-ra veh al tif-cha-d.<br> :My son, I have nothing I can give.<br> :But this chance that you may live.<br> :I pray we'll meet again. If he will deliver us. :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us, hear our prayer!<br> :Deliver us from despair <br> :These years of slavery grow too cruel to stand!<br> :Deliver us, there's a land you promised us! <br> :Deliver us out of bondage and <br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :''[they all walk to a river, then Young Miriam puts the basket down, then opening a top]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Hush now, my baby, be still, love, don't cry.<br> :Sleep as you're rocked by the stream.<br> :Sleep and remember my last lullaby.<br> :So I'll be with you when you dream. ''[kisses the baby, then closing the top, then she continues singing]''<br> :River, oh, river, flow gently for me. <br> :Such precious cargo, you bear.<br> :Do you know somewhere he can live free? <br> :River, deliver him there. :'''Young Miriam''': ''[singing]'' Brother, you're safe now and safe may you stay<br> :For I have a prayer just for you.<br> :Grow, baby brother, come back someday.<br> :Come and deliver us, too. :''[Queen Taya pets the baby]'' :'''Rameses''': Mommy! :'''Queen Taya''': Come, Rameses. We will show Pharaoh your new baby brother, Moses. :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us send a shepherd to shepherd us <br> :And deliver us to the promised land! <br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen cuts into they both go chariot racing by opening a door]'' :'''Young Moses''': Ha, ha! :'''Young Rameses:''' Faster, you beasts! You run like mules. :''[they both continue racing]'' :'''Young Moses''': Hey, Rameses, how'd you like to have your face carved on a wall? :'''Young Rameses''': Someday, yes! :'''Young Moses''': How about now?! ''[pushes Rameses' chariot into a wall]'' :'''Young Rameses''': You almost killed me! :'''Young Moses''': Oh, come on! Where's your sense of fun? :'''Young Rameses''': Oh, it's fun you want! :''[He accelerates and goes careening off a dune.]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses? :''[Moses jumps over him, whooping and laughing. Rameses gives chase, as they approach the city of Pyramid of Egypt. They demolish a boardgame being played by two peasants. Rameses rides over an upper level of the city of Pyramid of Egypt like '''[[Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''', '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]''' and '''[[w:The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3|The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'''.]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Come on, Moses, admit it. You've always looked up to me. :'''Young Moses''': Yes, but it's not much of a view! ''[laughing]'' Hyah! Whoo! ''[the piece lands on the horses, then pulling back]'' :'''Man''': Hey! :'''Young Rameses''': Second born, second place! :'''Young Moses:''' Not for long! :''[they both continue racing, then racing up the stairs, then the wood floor begins falling down, then turning left, then breaking the wood, then the pait falls down, then the ladder falls down, then drawing a mouth at the bottom of the nose, then the wood breaks the nose by falling into the wood, then they run like a helter skelter, then the nose falls closer to Moses]'' :'''Young Moses''': Jump! ''[he jumps away from the wooden floor, breaking it completely, then they run on top, then they laughing, then they slide down by the men with Hotep and Huy, knocking everybody over, then they slide down by sand like a wave of water, then they jump off]'' :'''Young Rameses''': You don't think we'll get in trouble for this, do you? :'''Young Moses''': No, not a chance. :''[Cut to Pharaoh Seti scolding Rameses and Moses]'' :'''Seti''': Why do the gods torment me with such ''reckless'', destructive, blasphemous sons? :'''Young Rameses''': Father, hear what I say- :'''Seti''': Be still, Pharaoh speaks! I seek to build an empire, and your only thought is to amuse yourselves by tearing it down. Have I taught you nothing? :'''Hotep''': You mustn't be so hard on yourself, Your Majesty. You're an excellent teacher. :'''Huy''': It's not your fault your sons learned "nothing". :'''Hotep''': Well, they learned blasphemy. :'''Huy''': True. ''[They both leave]'' :'''Young Moses''': Father, the fault is mine. I goaded Rameses on, and so I am responsible. :'''Seti''': Humph. "Responsible". ''[to Rameses]'' And do you understand the meaning of that word, Rameses? :'''Young Rameses''': I understand, Father. :'''Seti''': And do you understand the task for which your birth has destined you? The ancient traditions: when I pass into the next world, then ''you'' will be the Morning and Evening Star. :'''Young Rameses''': One damaged temple does not destroy centuries of tradition. :'''Seti''': ''[points at Rameses, raising his voice in anger]'' But one ''weak link'' can break the chain of a mighty dynasty! ''[the Queen relieves him. He then sighs in exasperation]'' You have my leave to go. :'''Young Rameses''': Father... ''[The Queen stops him and he leaves, frustrated]'' :'''Young Moses''': Father, you know it was really my fault. Must you be so hard on him? :'''Seti''': Moses, you will never have to carry a burden like the crown I will pass to Rameses. He must not allow himself to be lead astray; not even by you, my son. :'''Young Moses''': All he cares about is...is your approval. I know he will live up to your expectations. He only needs the opportunity. :'''Seti''': ''[considering]'' Maybe, maybe so. Go now, I shall see you both tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Moses''': Well, that went well. :'''Young Rameses''': Just go away. :'''Young Moses''': Could've been worse. :'''Young Rameses''': The weak link in the chain. That's what he called me. :'''Young Moses''': Well, you ''are'' rather pathetic. :'''Young Rameses''': Irresponsible, ignorant of the traditions. He practically accused me of bringing down the dynasty! :'''Young Moses''': Yeah, I can see it now. There go the pyramids! ''[laughs]'' :'''Young Rameses''': ''[leaps down]'' ''You'' can laugh about it. :'''Young Moses''': Statues cracking and toppling over, the Nile drying up; single-handedly, you will manage to bring the greatest kingdom on Earth to ruin. :'''Young Rameses''': Tell me this, Moses, tell me this: why is it that every time ''you'' start something, ''I'm'' the one who ends up in trouble? :''[Moses drops a sack full of wine onto Hotep and Huy]'' :'''Hotep''': Oh! Man! ''[spits out punch]'' :'''Huy''': Oh! :'''Hotep''': Ah! Rameses, you're in trouble, young man! :'''Huy''': Rameses, get down here! I think you owe us an apology! :'''Hotep''': Oh, my new thing! :'''Huy''': I am so upset! :'''Young Moses''': ''[hands Rameses a bowl of wine]'' You might as well. :'''Hotep''': You'll pay for this! :'''Huy''': We're going to tell the Pharaoh! :''[Rameses dumps all the wine on Hotep and Huy]'' :'''Hotep''': Oh, look at me! I'm drenched again! :'''Young Moses''': Hey, I figured it out. You know what your problem is, Rameses? :'''Young Rameses''': What? :'''Young Moses''': You care too much. :'''Young Rameses''': And your problem is that you don't care at all. :'''Young Moses''': Well, in that case, I supposed that you care a lot more than I do that we're...late for the banquet, for example. :''[Rameses's face suddenly lights up in alarm as we cut to Rameses and Moses rushing to the banquet]'' :'''Young Rameses''': I'm done for! Father will kill me! :'''Young Moses''': Don't worry, nobody will even notice us comin' in. ''[They enter, but the entire crowd sees them and cheers loudly]'' :'''Young Rameses''': "Nobody will even notice?" :''[Moses laughs nervously]'' :'''Tuya''': ''[approaches them]'' Ah, the young princes! ''[hugs her sons, then sides to her real son]'' Rameses, you were just named Prince Regent. You are now responsible for overseeing all the temples. I suggest you get over there and thank your father. ''[Rameses walks off]'' Apparently, Moses...someone thought he "just needed the opportunity". :'''Young Moses''': ''[approaches Rameses and Seti]'' My lord, Pharaoh! I propose that the high priests offer tribute to their new Regent! :'''Seti''': An excellent idea! Hotep! Huy! :''[The priests drop the goblets]'' :'''Hotep''': ''[Whispers]'' Huy? :'''Huy''': What? :'''Hotep''': The Midian girl... :'''Huy''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh! Good idea! :'''Hotep''': Go get her. ''[Huy runs off. He addresses the guests and performs a magic spell]'' By the power of Ra! We present for your delectation and delight, an exotic apparition stolen from faraway lands. ''[a large box-like construction rises from the floor, revealing an attractive young woman named Tzipporah, riding a camel. Huy restrains her by her hands with a rope. Moses and Rameses are enthralled]'' We offer you this...delicate desert flower. :''[Hotep yanks the rope, and Tzipporah is dragged off her camel, screaming. The crowd shouted in wild excitement. She fights against her restraints]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Let us inspect this "desert flower"... ''[Tzipporah tries to bites, his hand missed]'' Ehhg! More like a desert cobra. :'''Young Moses''': Not much of a snake-charmer, are you? :'''Young Rameses''': ''[pushes Moses to her]'' That's why I give her to you. :'''Young Moses''': ''[tries to back away from Tzipporah]'' No, no, no. That's generous, but- :'''Tzipporah''': ''[to Moses]'' I won't be given to anyone, especially an arrogant, pampered palace brat! :'''Young Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you gonna let her talk to you like that? ''[Tzipporah groans trying to the ropes off her wrists while Moses gets Rameses off of him]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[points at Tzipporah]'' You will show the proper respect for a prince of Egypt. :'''Tzipporah''': But I am showing you all the respect you deserve. ''[pulls rope away from Hotep and Huy]'' None! :'''Young Moses''': No, wait! Be still! ''[grabs the rope]'' :'''Tzipporah''': I demand you set me free! :'''Young Moses''': Be ''still!'' :'''Tzipporah''': Let ''go!'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[noticed the pond]'' As you wish. ''[lets go of the rope, causing Tzipporah to scream and fall backwards into the pond]'' :''[The crowd laughs. Moses joins in, but sees the queen looking on in disgust, and stops]'' :'''Young Rameses''': ''[approaches, laughing; to the servants who lead Tzipporah out of the pond]'' You there! Have her dried off, and sent to Prince Moses's chambers. ''[to Seti]'' If it pleases you, Father, my first act of Regent is to appoint Moses ''[places the blue ring on Moses' finger]'' as Royal Chief Architect! :''[The crowd cheers. Moses smiles, then stares back at Tzipporah, who looks back at him in disgust, as she is led away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Moses enters his chambers, he sees a silhouetted figure in his bed, and approaches]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[to himself]'' Well...alright... :''[He pulls the curtain back, and sees the servant bound and gagged, and muffled. His two dogs tied to a pillar. Moses runs to the window, and sees several bedsheets tied to the pillar like a ladder. He sees Tzipporah leading her camel through the courtyard. The camel grunts]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[whispers]'' Shh, come on. :''[Moses climbs down the tied bedsheets, then sees two guards]'' :'''Young Moses''': Guards! :'''Guards''': ''[approach him]'' Prince Moses. :'''Young Moses''': ''[stares at Tzipporah, then he addresses the guards]'' There's...a man...tied up in my room. Well, look into it! :'''Guards''': Right away, sir! ''[run off]'' :''[Moses chuckles Then he runs out of the palace, following Tzipporah into the Jewish village. He spies her at a well, talking with a now grown-up Aaron and Miriam]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[whispers to Miriam]'' Please, I need water. I have a long journey ahead of me. :'''Miriam''': ''[giving her water]'' May God protect you. :'''Tzipporah''': Thank you. ''[climbs onto her camel]'' Hut-hut! ''[rides off]'' :''[Moses sees Tzipporah riding out of Egypt, and is smitten. Then he hears the vase shattering, and looks down to Miriam]'' :'''Miriam''': ''[looking up to Moses]'' Oh, I am so sorry… I… please forgive me… I… I didn't expect to see you… ''[recognizing Moses]'' here! Of all places at our door. Hmm. At last! :'''Young Moses''': ''[confused]'' At last? :'''Miriam''': ''[hugging Aaron]'' Didn't I tell you, Aaron? Didn't I tell you? He would return to us when he was ready. :'''Aaron''': ''[whispers]'' Miriam, do you want us flogged? :'''Miriam''': ''[to Moses]'' I knew you cared about our freedom! :'''Aaron''': ''[whispers]'' Miriam... :'''Young Moses''': Freedom? ''[chuckles]'' Why would I care about that? :'''Miriam''': Because you… you're our brother. :'''Young Moses''': ''[scoffs]'' What? :'''Miriam''': ''[her face fell]'' They… ''[Long pauses; sighs]'' they never told you? :'''Young Moses''': Who never told me what? :'''Miriam''': B-But you're here! You must know. ''[reaches to touch his hand]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[pulling away]'' Be careful, slave! :'''Aaron''': ''[pulls Miriam back nervously]'' Oh, my good prince… um, she… she's exhausted from the day's work. Not that it was too much! We… We quite enjoyed it, but-but ah, she's confused, and knows not to whom she speaks. :'''Miriam''': ''[breaks his grip]'' I know "to whom I speak", Aaron! I know who you are, and you are not a prince of Egypt! :'''Aaron''': Miriam-! :'''Young Moses''': What did you say?! :'''Aaron''': Your Highness, pay her no heed! C-C-Come, Miriam. May I discuss something with you? :'''Miriam''': ''[fighting him]'' No, Aaron. No! Please, Moses, you must believe! :'''Aaron''': That's enough. :'''Miriam''': You were born of my mother, Yocheved! :'''Aaron''': Stop it! :'''Miriam''': ''[breaks free of Aaron]'' You are our brother! :'''Young Moses''': Now you go too far. You should be punished! :'''Aaron''': ''[throws himself on ground between them]'' NO! Please… uh, Your Highness… she's ill! She's very ill; we beg your forgiveness. Please, Miriam; l-let's go! ''[starts dragging her away]'' :'''Miriam''': No, Aaron! Our mother set you adrift in a basket to save your life! :'''Aaron''': Miriam! :'''Young Moses''': Save my life?! From who?! :'''Miriam''': ''[still struggling]'' Ask the man that you call father! :'''Young Moses''': ''[angrily]'' How ''dare'' you…?! ''[Aaron gives up and stands beside a wall, looking away]'' :'''Miriam''': God saved you to be our deliverer! :'''Young Moses''': Enough of this! :'''Miriam''': And you are, Moses. You are the deliverer. :'''Young Moses''': ''[yelling at her]'' I SAID ENOUGH! ''[grabs her arm, throws her to ground]'' You will regret this night. ''[stomps off]'' :'''Miriam''': ''[weeps; singing]'' Hush now, my baby. Be still now. Don't cry. Sleep as you're rocked by the stream. ''[Moses stops walking, recognizing the familiar lullaby]'' Sleep and remember my last lullaby. So I'll be with you when you dream. :''[Moses, disturbed by the lullaby only he knows, runs away in confusion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seti''': The Hebrews grew too numerous. They might have risen against us. :'''Young Moses''': ''[on the brink of tears]'' Father, tell me you didn't do this. :'''Seti''': Moses, sometimes, for the greater good, sacrifices must be made. :'''Young Moses''': Sacrifices? :'''Seti''': ''[taking Moses tenderly into his arms]'' Oh, my son… they were only slaves. :''[Moses, greatly disturbed, pulls away, shakes his head in anger and disgust at Seti, and runs off into the darkness]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen Tuya''': Moses? :'''Young Moses''': Is this where you found me? :'''Queen Tuya''': Moses, please try to understand. :'''Young Moses''': So… So everything I thought, everything I am, is a lie. :'''Queen Tuya''': No. You are our son, and we love you. :'''Young Moses''': Why did you choose me? :'''Queen Tuya''': We didn't, Moses. The gods did. ''[walks down the stairs, then sitting down, then singing]'' This is your home, my son.<br> :Here the river brought you<br> :And it's here the river meant <br> :To be your home.<br> :Now you know the truth, love.<br> :Now forget and be content. <br> :When the gods send you a blessing, <br> :You don't ask why it was sent. :''[they both hug]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Rameses''': ''[puts scrolls down]'' Last night, the gods granted me a vision. I'm not merely going to restore this temple, I will make it more grand, more splendid than any other one in Egypt. :''[the slave whip cracks the man's butt, then walking up, then the men continue pulling, then bringing a bag, then the men continue pulling, then knocking the man]'' :'''Man''': Get up! ''[whip cracks the bag]'' :''[he walks away by knocking the man]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Look. Fate has turned our little misadventure into a great opportunity. :''[they both walk]'' :'''Guard''': Get up, old man! :'''Young Rameses''': Father will be so pleased... :'''Guard''': Put your back into it! Faster! :''[Aaron continues chopping]'' :'''Young Rameses''': This is just the beginning. A gateway will open to an entire new city of white limestone, more dazzling than the sun. And here, a statue of Hapi. :'''Guard''': ''[whip cracks the man]'' I said, hurry! :'''Young Rameses''': ...two great column halls. :'''Miriam''': Stop it! Somebody's got to stop this! :'''Aaron''': There's nothing we can do. :''[the guard whip cracks the man, then running by looking at a man with a whip crack hitting him]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[quietly]'' Stop it. ''[louder]'' Stop. STOP IT! LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE! :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! :''[Moses attacks the guard by falling down, breaking the wood]'' :'''Kahma''': Out of my way. Out of my way. Move! Who did this? :'''Man''': Up there! It's him. Up there. :''[he pants, then looking at the men, gasping, then running away]'' :'''Miriam''': Moses! :''[he continues running away, then rolling down, then Rameses grabs Moses]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses, what's going on? Moses! :''[he continues running away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Moses! :'''Young Moses''': Let me go! :'''Young Rameses''': No, wait. :'''Young Moses''': You saw what happened. I just ''killed'' a man! :'''Young Rameses''': We can take care of that! I... I will make it so it never happened! :'''Young Moses''': Nothing you can say can change what I've done. :'''Young Rameses''': I am Egypt! The morning and the evening star! If I say day is night, it will be written! And you will be what I say you are! I say you are innocent! :'''Young Moses''': What you say does not matter. You don't understand. I can't stay here any longer...! :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! :'''Young Moses''': No! All I've ever known to be true is a lie! I'm not who you think I am. :'''Young Rameses''': What are you talking about? :'''Young Moses''': Go ask the man I once called "Father." ''[walks away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses? Please... :'''Young Moses''': ''[with sad finality]'' Goodbye, brother. ''[walks away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Moses! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Moses''': Hey, wait. Please. ''[drags him on the ground, then he continues dragging on the ground, by sheep, then hitting by a well, then putting the face in the water, all wet, then the sheep spits water out, later a girl just shriek off-screen.]'' :'''Girl''': What are you doing? Help! Let our sheep drink! Leave us alone! Get away! Stop it! My father's the high priest of Midian. You're going to be in big trouble. :'''Young Moses''': Hey, you. Aren't these your camels? Hut-hut! :'''Man''': No, no! No, no! ''[they both run to get the camels]'' Wait! Wait, stop! :''[he lays on the ground, then falling in the well, then they all get Young Moses back up]'' :'''Tzipporah''': What are you girls doing? :'''Boy''': We're trying to get the funny man out of the well. :'''Tzipporah''': Trying to get the funny man out of the well. Well, that's one I've never heard before. ''[gasping]'' Oh, my. Oh, uh, don't worry down there! Uh, we'll get you out. Hold on! :''[they all pull Young Moses back up]'' :'''Tzipporah''': You. :'''Young Moses''': Huh? :'''Tzipporah''': ''[lets go of the well, falling in as retribution for what happened]'' Mm-hmm. ''[walks away]'' :'''Girl''': That's why papa says she'll never get married. :''[they all wash Young Moses]'' :'''Young Moses''': You don't have to do this. Ladies, please, I'm really... I'm really quite... No, not there, please. ''[laughing]'' That tickles. Ladies, you've cleaned every inch of me. Whoa, I... I was wrong. :''[the kids laugh]'' :'''Jethro''': Let me through. Let me through. I want to see him. Ah! You are most welcome. ''[hugs Young Moses]'' You should not be a stranger in this land. You have been sent as a blessing. And, tonight, you shall be my honored guest. ''[walks away, laughing]'' :'''Tzipporah''': My father, Jethro, high priest of Midian. <hr width="50%"/> :''[he walks outside of the tent, then looking at a fire]'' :'''Jethrodiadah''': ''[to Moses]'' Psst! Sit with me! :'''Moses''': Alright. ''[sits down with Tzipporah's sisters and picks up the fruit and is about to eats it]'' :'''Ajolidoforah''': ''[to Moses]'' Psst! Not yet! :'''Moses''': Oh, sorry. ''[puts the the fruit back into the bowl]'' :'''Jethro''': My children! Let us give thanks for this bountiful food, and let us also give thanks for the presence of this brave young man whom we honor here tonight. :'''Moses''': Please, sir, I wish you wouldn't. I've done nothing in my life worth honoring. ''[Tzipporah is surprised by these words. So is Jethro]'' :'''Jethro''': First you rescue Tzipporah from Egypt, ''[pinches Tzipporah's cheek playfully]'' then you defend my younger daughters from brigands. ''[walks over and hugs Tzipporah's sisters]'' You think that is nothing? It seems you do not know what is worthy of honor. ''[singing]'' A single thread in a tapestry though its color brightly shine<br> :Can never see its purpose in a pattern of the grand design.<br> :And the stone that that sits on the very top of the mountain's mighty face<br> :Does it think it's more important than the stones that form the base? <br> :So, how can you see what your life is worth or where your value lies?<br> :You can never see through the eyes of man. <br> :You must look at your life, look at your life through heaven's eyes. :'''Crowd''': ''[singing]'' La-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. La, la-la-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la. Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-la. :'''Jethrodiadah''': Dance with me. :'''Young Moses''': No, I don't know how. :''[grabs the children, then clapping to the dancing beat, then they all pull up a tent]'' :'''Jethro''': ''[singing]'' A lake of gold in the desert sand is less than a cool, fresh spring<br> :And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy is greater than the richest king<br> :If a man loses everything he knows, has he truly lost his worth,<br> :Or is it the beginning of a new and brighter birth? <br> :So how do you measure the worth of a man in wealth or strength or size?<br> :In how much he gained or how much he gave?<br> :The answer will come, the answer will come to him who tries. <br> :To look at his life through heaven's eyes! <br> :And that's why we share all we have with you, though there's little to be found.<br> :When all you've got is nothing, there's a lot to go around. <br> :No life can escape being blown out by the winds of change and chance. <br> :And though you never know all the steps :'''Tzipporah''': Dance with me. :'''Moses''': No, I... No. No! :'''Jethro''': ''[singing]'' You must learn to join the dance. You must learn to join the dance! :'''Crowd''': ''[singing]'' La-la-la, lee-lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai! Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai! Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai-lai! So how do you judge what a man is worth by what he builds or buys,<br> :You can never see with your eyes on earth! <br> :Look through heaven's eyes! <br> :Look at your life! Look at your life!<br> :Look at your life through heaven's eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': ''[touches Tzipporah, then kissing Tzipporah]'' I love you. ''[gets up, then walks away, then opens a curtain, looking at the sky by the sheep, then inhaling, then walking by the sheep, then petting the sheep, then the sheep runs away, then sighing, then walking up]'' It's too early for this. ''[he walks inside a cave by God, then looking at it, then getting down by God, then touching the fire, holding a stick, then the head touches a fire]'' :'''God''': ''[whispering]'' ''Moses...'' :'''Moses''': Here I am. :'''God''': ''Take the sandals from your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground.'' :'''Moses''': Who are you? :'''God''': ''I Am that I Am.'' :'''Moses''': I don't understand. :'''God''': ''I am the God of your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.'' :'''Miriam''': ''[from Moses' memory]'' You are born of my mother Yocheved! You are our brother! :'''Moses''': ''[quickly removes his sandals and throws them behind him]'' What do You want with me? :'''God''': ''I have seen the oppression of my people in Egypt, and have heard their cry.'' ''[sounds of screaming and whipping of an old man from Moses' memory]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[from Moses' memory]'' '''''Stop it! Leave that man alone!''''' :'''God''': ''So I have come to deliver them out of slavery and bring them into a good land. A land flowing with milk and honey. And so, unto Pharaoh, I shall send''...'''you.''' :'''Moses''': Me? Who am I to lead these people? They'll never believe me, they won't even listen. :'''God''': ''I shall teach you what to say.'' ''[Moses' words "Let my people go!" is heard in his vision]'' :'''Moses''': But I was their enemy. I was the prince of Egypt, the son of the man who slaughtered...their children! You've...you've chosen the wrong messenger. H-H-How can I even speak to these people? :''[The bush flame brightens and the blue flames spread out, God yells loudly]'' :'''God''': ''''' WHO MADE MAN'S MOUTH?! WHO MADE THE DEAF, THE MUTE, THE SEEING, OR THE BLIND? DID NOT I?! NOW GO!''''' :''[Moses falls to the ground, cowering; God gently lifts Moses off the ground]'' :'''God''': ''Oh, Moses. I will be with you when you go to the king of Egypt. But Pharaoh will not listen. So I will stretch out My hand and smite Egypt with all My wonders! Take the staff in your hand, Moses. With it, you shall do My wonders!'' ''I shall be with you, Moses.'' ''[puts Moses down on the ground, and vanishes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tzipporah''': But, Moses, you are just one man. :'''Moses''': Tzipporah, please. ''[sighing]'' Look at your family. :'''Moses''': They are free. They have a future. They have hopes and dreams and the promise of a life with dignity. That is what I want for my people. And that is why I must do the task that God has given me. :''[the people walk with the sheep, then they hug]'' :'''Tzipporah''': I'm coming with you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[they all wave with the camel walking by Moses and Tzipporah, by desert, buildings, then the men push, with the camel walking with Moses and Tzipporah, then laying on the ground, then grabbing the boy, then the men walk away, the guards walk inside, by the men, then they all lay down, then Rameses puts his hand up]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses. :'''Rameses''': Moses? Is it really? :'''Rameses''': ''[hugs Moses]'' Moses! :'''Moses''': Rameses! :'''Rameses''': Where have you been? I took you for dead. :''[they both laugh]'' :'''Rameses''': Look at you! :'''Moses''': Pharaoh. :'''Rameses''': Well, look at you. What on earth are you dressed as? :'''Moses''': Oh, Rameses, it's so good to see you. :'''Hotep''': Excuse me, Your Majesty. We are compelled to remind you this man committed a serious crime against the gods. :'''Huy''': We are loathe to bring it up, mind you. :'''Hotep''': The law clearly states the punishment for such a crime... :'''Huy''': Death! :'''Hotep''': We hesitate to say it. :'''Rameses''': Be still. Pharaoh speaks. I am the morning and the evening star. :'''Moses''': Rameses. :'''Rameses''': It shall be as I say. I pardon forever all crimes of which he stands accused and will have it known that he is our brother Moses, the prince of Egypt. :'''Moses''': Rameses, in my heart, you are my brother, but things cannot be as they were. :'''Rameses''': I see no reason why not. :'''Moses''': You know I am a Hebrew, and the God of the Hebrews came to me. :'''Rameses''': What? :'''Moses''': He commands that you let his people go. :''[the crowd murmur]'' :'''Rameses''': Commands? :'''Moses''': ''[raises his stick]'' Behold, the power of God. ''[puts his stick down, then transforming into a snake]'' :'''Rameses''': Well, uh, impressive. Hmm. Very well, Moses. I'll play along. ''[chuckling]'' Hotep. Huy. Give this snake charmer our answer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Both''': By the power of Ra. :'''Hotep''': Mut. :'''Huy''': Nut. :'''Hotep''': Khnum. :'''Huy''': Ptah. :'''Hotep''': Nephthys. :'''Huy''': Nekhbet. :'''Hotep''': Sobek. :'''Huy''': Sekhmet. Sokar. Selket. Reshpu. Wadjet. Anubis. Anukis. Seshmu. Meshkent. :'''Hotep''': Hemsut. :'''Huy''': Tefnut. :'''Hotep''': Heket. :'''Huy''': Mafdet. :'''Hotep''': Ra, Mut, Nut, Ptah. Hemsut, Tefnut, Sokar, Selket. Seshmu, Reshpu, Sobek, Wadjet. Heket, Mafdet, Nephthys, Nekhbet, Ra! ''[singing]'' So you think you've got friends in high places with the power to put us on the run. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Well, forgive us these smiles on our faces. You'll know what power is when we are done. :'''Both''': Son. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Playing with the big boys now. :'''Hotep''': Oh, that's pretty. ''[singing]'' Every spell and gesture. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Tells you who's the best. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now. You're playing with the big boys now. You're playing with the big boys now. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' Stop this foolish mission! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Watch a true magician! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' Give an exhibition how! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Pick up your silly twig, boy! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now! :'''Hotep''': Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! :'''Priests''': ''[singing]'' By the power of Ra, Mut, Nut, Khnum, Ptah, Sobek, Sekhmet, Sokar, Selket, Anubis, Anukis, Hemsut, Tefnut, Meshkent, Mafdet! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now! You're playing with the big boys now! By the might of Horus, you will kneel before us! Kneel to our splendorous power! :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' You put up a front! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' You put up a fight! :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' And just to show we feel no spite. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' You can be our acolyte. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' But first, boy. It's time to bow. :'''Priests''': Kowtow! Or it's your own grave you'll dig, boy. You're playing with the big boys.<br> :Playing with the big boys. Playing with the big boys. <br> :Playing with the big boys! Playing with the big boys!<br> :Playing with the big boys! Playing with the big boys now! :''[the crowd cheer]'' :'''Huy''': They love it. :''[they all shout and cheer, then grabbing a snake, transforming back into a stick, then they both walk out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rameses''': All right, Moses, I know you. What's this really about? :'''Moses''': Rameses, look. What do you see? :'''Rameses''': A greater Egypt than that of my father. :'''Moses''': That is not what I see. :'''Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Moses, I cannot change what you see. I have to maintain the ancient traditions. I bear the weight of my father's crown. :'''Moses''': Do you still not understand what Seti was? :'''Rameses''': He was a great leader. :'''Moses''': His hands bore the blood of thousands of children. :'''Rameses''': ''[scoffs]'' Slaves. :'''Moses''': My people! And I can no longer hide in the desert while they suffer...at your hands. :'''Rameses''': So...you have returned...only to free them. :'''Moses''': ''[removes the ring Rameses gave him and places it on the armrest of the throne]'' I'm sorry. :'''Rameses''': ''[picks it up and bows his head, saddened]'' Yes. I had hoped...that... ''[closes his eyes, looks up, his regret melted into cold anger, put your hat on and stands up]'' I do not know this God. Neither will I let your people go. ''[turns to leaves]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses, please, you must listen-! :'''Rameses''': ''[furiously]'' I WILL '''''NOT''''' BE THE WEAK LINK! ''[opens the doors]'' Tell your people, as of today their work load has been doubled, thanks to your God. ''[Moses' eyes widen in horror]'' Or is it thanks... to you? ''[coldly and angrily shuts the doors]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Hebrew Man''': ''[looks up and sees Moses]'' It's Moses. ''[throws a handful of mud at Moses' face, which sends him to the underground]'' :'''Tzipporah''': Moses! ''[Aaron and several other Hebrews surround Moses, looking at him angrily]'' :'''Aaron''': So, Moses, how does it feel when ''you'' get struck to the ground? :'''Moses''': I didn't mean to cause you more pain. I'm just trying to do as God told me. :'''Aaron''': God? ''[scoffs]'' When did God start caring about any of us? In fact, Moses, when did ''you'' start caring about slaves? Was it when you found out that you ''were'' one of us? :'''Tzipporah''': Don't listen to him. :'''Moses''': No, he's right. I did not see because I did not wish to see. :'''Aaron''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you didn't see because you didn't ''wish'' to see. Ah! Well, that makes everything fine then, doesn't it? :'''Miriam''': ''[walks over and glares at her brother, unimpressed]'' Aaron! You shame yourself! ''[then sees Moses, smilingly]'' :'''Moses''': Miriam. I'm so sorry. ''[covers his face in shame]'' :'''Miriam''': Moses, hear what I say. I have been a slave all of my life, and God has never answered my prayers until now. God saved you from the river, He saved you in all your wanderings, and even now, He saves you from the wrath of Pharaoh. God will not abandon you. So don't you abandon us. ''[They all look at the men. Moses sees Rameses' boat on the Nile River, then grabs his staff, and walks down. Miriam follows him]'' :'''Aaron''': Miriam. Where are you going? M-Miriam. ''[They all walk down, then looking at a boat]'' :'''Hotep''': The ball disappears. Now, where is it? It's in his hand. How about that? ''[The Egyptians all laugh]'' :'''Moses''': ''[walks over to the edge of the river]'' Rameses! Let my people go! :'''Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Still gnawing away at that bone, are we? ''[to his guards]'' Carry on. :'''Moses''': You cannot keep ignoring us. :'''Rameses''': Enough! I will hear no more of this Hebrew nonsense. ''[to his guards]'' Bring him to me. ''[Guards pull out their knives and jump into the Nile to retrieve Moses]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[running after him]'' ''Moses!'' :'''Aaron''': ''[holding Tzipporah back along with Miriam]'' No! ''[Moses walks into the water, and looks up to the sky]'' :'''God''': ''Take the staff in your hand, Moses.'' : ''[Moses follows God's command; dips staff into water; water slowly turns to blood in the water; Miriam, Tzipporah and Aaron rushed down to the water; guards look confused; 1 guard dips hand into blood infested water]'' :'''Rameses' Son''': ''[touches the blood infested water]'' Father- :'''Miriam''': It's- :'''Guard''': BLOOD! :''[The guards start screaming in horror and rush to back to the boat]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[getting splattered with blood]'' Hotep! Huy! Explain this to me! :'''Hotep''': Ah! :'''Huy''': Rest assured, Your Majesty! :'''Hotep''': Uh, yes, we were going to demonstrate the superior might of our gods. Uh... ''[puts the jug down, then collects the red powder]'' By the power of Ra! ''[drops the red powder into the water, creates the same blood]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[dips his hand to the blood, and chuckles]'' Abandon this futile mission, Moses. I've indulged you long enough! This must now be finished! ''[sails off]'' :'''Moses''': ''[to himself]'' No, Rameses. It is only beginning. :'''Aaron''': But, Moses, didn't you see what happened? The priests did the same thing. Pharaoh still has the power over our lives. :'''Moses''': Yes, Aaron, it's true. Pharaoh has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharaoh can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you: Your faith. ''[Miriam smiles]'' Believe, for we will see God's wonders. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chorus''': ''[Singing]'' : Thus saith the Lord, : thus saith the Lord... : Since you refuse to free my people all : through the land of Egypt, : I send a pestilence and plague Into your house, : into your bed, into your streams, into your streets, : into your drink, into your bread, upon your cattle, : on your sheep, upon your oxen, in your field, : into your dreams, into your sleep, until you break, : until you yield, I send the swarm, : I send the horde, Thus saith the Lord. :'''Moses''': ''[Singing]'' : Once I called you brother. : Once I thought the chance to make you laugh : was all I ever wanted... :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the thunder from the sky, : I send the fire raining down. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : And even now, : I wish that God had chose another. : Serving as your foe on His behalf, : is the last thing that I wanted. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send a hail of burning ice on every field, : on every town. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : This was my home... : All this pain and devastation, : how it tortures me inside. : All the innocent who suffer, : from your stubbornness and pride. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the locusts on a wind, : such as the world has never seen, on every leaf, : on every stalk, until there's nothing left of green! : I send my scourge, I send my sword. : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : You who I called brother, : why must you call down another blow? :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send my scourge, : I send my sword. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : Let my people go. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord. :'''Moses and Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Rameses''': ''[Singing]'' : You who I called brother. : How could you have come to hate me so? : ''Is this what '''you''' wanted?'' :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the swarm, : I send the horde. :'''Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : Then let my heart be hardened, : and never mind how high the cost may grow. : This will still be so: : I will never let your people go! :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord. :'''Moses and Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : I will not- :'''Moses, Chorus and Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : Let your ''[Moses: my]'' people go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': Rameses? Rameses? :'''Rameses''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let me guess. You want me to… "let your people go". :'''Moses''': I… I hoped I would find you here. :'''Rameses''': Get out! ''[throws a goblet at him, but misses]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses… we must bring this to an end. ''[Rameses is silent]'' Rameses, please. Talk to me. We could always talk here. ''[paused]'' This place… so many memories… I remember the time you… ''[chuckles]'' switched the heads of the gods in the Temple of Ra. ''[silent, starts to leave]'' :'''Rameses''': If I recall correctly, you were there switching heads right along with me. :'''Moses''': No, that was you, I didn't do that. :'''Rameses''': Oh yes, you did. You put the hippo on the crocodile and the crocodile… :'''Moses''': ''[remembers]'' …on the falcon. :'''Rameses''': Yes! And the priests thought it was a horrible omen and fasted for two months! Father was furious! You were always getting me into trouble! ''[pauses as his expression softens]'' But then… you were always there to get me ''out'' of trouble again. ''[chuckles]'' Why can't things be the way they were before? :'''Rameses' Son''': Father, it's so dark. I'm frightened. ''[Rameses walks over to son to comfort him; sees Moses]'' Why is ''he'' here? Isn't that the man who did all this?! :'''Rameses''': Yes. But one must wonder… why? :'''Moses''': Because no kingdom should be made on the backs of slaves. Rameses, your stubbornness is bringing this misery upon Egypt. It would cease if only you would let the Hebrews go. :'''Rameses''': I will not be dictated to. I will not be threatened! I am the Morning and the Evening Star! I ''am'' '''''Pharaoh!''''' :'''Moses''': Something else is coming, something much worse than anything before! Please! Let go of your contempt for life before it destroys everything you hold dear. Think of your '''son!''' ''[Rameses' son backs away in fear]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[coldly]'' I do. You Hebrews have been nothing but trouble. My father had the right idea about how to deal with ''your'' people. :'''Moses''': ''[worried]'' Rameses! :'''Rameses''': And I think it's time I finished the job! :'''Moses''': ''Rameses!'' :'''Rameses''': And there shall be a great cry in all of Egypt, such as never has been or ever will be again! :''[Moses sees the murals of Pharaoh pointing at a baby, babies in the water, and Rameses' son, who is now utterly horrified. He fears for his nephew's life]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses, you bring this upon yourself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': God has come to me again, saying, '''"Take a lamb, and with its blood...mark the lintel and posts of every door. For tonight...I shall pass through the land of Egypt...and smite all the firstborn. But when I see the blood upon your door...I will pass over you, and the plague shall not enter"'''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Many nights we've prayed with no proof anyone could hear. : In our hearts a hopeful song, we barely understood. : Now we are not afraid. Although we know there's much to fear. : We were moving mountains long before we knew we could. : There can be miracles when you believe. : Though hope is frail. It's hard to kill. : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. : When you believe somehow you will. : You will when you believe. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : In this time of fear, when prayers so often proved in vain. : Hope seemed like the summer birds too swiftly flown away. : Yet now I'm standing here. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Now I'm standing here. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : With so heart so full I can't explain. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say. : There can be miracles when you believe. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Though hope is frail. It's hard to kill. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : It's hard to kill. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. : When you believe somehow you will. : You will when you believe. :'''Child''': ''[singing]'' : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : ?מִי-כָמֹכָה, בָּאֵלִים אֲדֹנָי (''Miy-xámoxáh, báéliym Ădonáy?'' "Who is like you, O Lord among the gods?") : ?מִי כָּמֹכָה, נֶאְדָּר בַּקֹּדֶשׁ (''Miy kámoxáh, neëddár baqqodeš?'' "Who is like you, glorious in holiness?") :'''Children''': ''[singing]'' : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : ?מִי-כָמֹכָה, בָּאֵלִים אֲדֹנָי (''Miy-xámoxáh, báéliym Ădonáy?'' "Who is like you, O Lord among the gods?") : ?מִי כָּמֹכָה, נֶאְדָּר בַּקֹּדֶשׁ (''Miy kámoxáh, neëddár baqqodeš?'' "Who is like you, glorious in holiness?") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : There can be miracles when you believe! : Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill! :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : It's hard to kill. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : You can achieve. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : When you believe, somehow you will. : Now you will. : You will when you believe. : When you believe. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : You will when you. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : You will. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Believe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moses walks to the edge of the sea and raises the stick]'' :'''God''': ''With this staff, you shall do my wonders!'' :''[Moses drops the stick. The waters flow up, by rocks, causing the wind, then Aaron walks by Moses, then walking away, then they all walk in, by the wind and thunder, then putting the sheep down, then breaking a wheel]'' :'''Moses''': Leave it! :''[they continue walking, then lighting the torches, by a whale, then gasping, then they continue walking, then the camel lays on Aaron]'' :'''Aaron''': Yeah, me too. :''[he puts down the woman, then the tornado hits the ground, then the tornado disappears, then taking a sword out, the the horses run, and the guards run by horses by charging the people, then the chariot breaks, then the horses continue running, then getting up]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[battle cries out]'' DON'T JUST STAND THERE, KILL THEM! ''[the guards run at the Hebrews]'' KILL THEM ALL! :'''Moses''': The soldiers! They're coming! :''[the Hebrews run away in fear]'' :'''Aaron''': Moses! Moses! Hurry! Hurry! I got you. :'''Man''': Look, the shore! :''[the sea opens, then the men continue running away, then hearing a thunderclap, then the water falls down, then the water crashes down on the soldiers]'' :'''Rameses''': No! ''[the water puts Rameses on a rock]'' :''[he runs away by a wave by wind, then the water transforms back into the sea, long pause, then hugging Aaron, then they all murmur and chatter, then hugging the child, then touching the sand, then hugging the woman, and Tzipporah, then Aaron hugs Moses, then Miriam hugs Tzipporah, then walking to Miriam and Tzipporah, then Miriam hugs Moses]'' :'''Moses''': Thank you. :''[she walks away, then Moses walks away, by looking at clouds and sea, then cut to Rameses]'' :'''Rameses''': Moses! Moses! <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Moses''': Good-bye, brother. ''[he walks up]'' :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh! Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously! I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") :'''Tzipporah''': Look. Look at your people, Moses. ''[they both look at the people]'' They are free. :'''Chorus''': ''[continues singing]'' : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") :''[Moses, holding the Ten Commandments, walks down the hill, overlooking the village]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us! == Cast == * [[Val Kilmer]] - Moses/God (voice) **[[w:Amick Byram|Amick Byram]] - Moses (singing voice) * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - Rameses II (voice) * [[Michelle Pfeiffer]] - Tzipporah (voice) * [[Sandra Bullock]] - Miriam (voice) ** [[w:Brenda Chapman|Brenda Chapman]] - Miriam (singing voice of "River Lullaby") ** [[w:Sally Dworsky|Sally Dworsky]] - Miriam (singing voice of "When You Believe") ** [[w:Eden Riegel|Eden Riegel]] - Young Miriam (voice) * [[Jeff Goldblum]] - Aaron (voice) * [[w:Danny Glover|Danny Glover]] - Jethro (voice) ** [[w:Brian Stokes Mitchell|Brian Stokes Mitchell]] - Jethro (singing voice) * [[Patrick Stewart]] - Pharaoh Seti I (voice) * [[Helen Mirren]] - Queen Tuya (voice) ** Linda Dee Shayne - Queen Tuya (singing voice) * [[Steve Martin]] - Hotep (voice) * [[Martin Short]] - Huy (voice) * [[w:Ofra Haza|Ofra Haza]] - Yocheved (voice) * Bobby Motown - Rameses' Son (voice) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0120794|title=The Prince of Egypt}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=prince_of_egypt|title=The Prince of Egypt}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Prince of Egypt, The}} [[Category:The Prince of Egypt]] [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1998 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated coming-of-age films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Simon Wells films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films about slavery]] [[Category:Films directed by Brenda Chapman]] [[Category:Censored films]] [[Category:Animated films set in ancient Egypt]] [[Category:DreamWorks Animation]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] 5bqoetsw96dhmdhpxcajbsv63wgiora 3944654 3944653 2026-05-23T23:49:14Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944654 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Prince of Egypt|The Prince of Egypt]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998]] American animated [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:drama film|drama film]] produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]], distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], based on the book of Exodus about [[w:Moses|Moses]], an Egyptian prince who learns of his identity as an Israelite, and later his destiny to become the chosen deliverer of his people. The film has a direct-to-video prequel ''[[Joseph: King of Dreams]]'' released in 2000. :''Directed by [[w:Brenda Chapman|Brenda Chapman]], [[w:Steve Hickner|Steve Hickner]] and [[w:Simon Wells|Simon Wells]]. Written by [[w:Philip LaZebnik|Philip LaZebnik]]. Songs by [[w:Stephen Schwartz (composer)|Stephen Schwartz]]. on the book of Exodus about [[w:Moses|Moses]], and based on [[w:Egyptian mythology|Egyptian mythology]].'' {{center|'''Two brothers united by friendship, divided by destiny.''' [[#Taglines|Taglines]]}} ==Moses== * ''[to Rameses]'' Goodbye, brother. * ''[to Buka]'' Stop it. Stop! Stop it! '''LEAVE THE MAN ALONE!!!''' ==Rameses== * Faster, you beasts! You run like mules! * Well, uh, impressive. Hmm. Very well, Moses. I'll play along. ''[chuckling]'' Hotep. Huy. Give this snake charmer our answer. * I WILL '''NOT''' BE THE WEAK LINK! [opens the doors] Tell your people, as of today their work load has been doubled, thanks to your God. [Moses' eyes widen in horror] Or is it thanks... to you? [coldly and angrily shuts the doors] * ''[after the death of his son]'' You...and your people...have my permission...to go. ''[Moses tries to comfort him; jerks off]'' LEAVE ME! * ''[last lines]'' Moses! MOSES! ==God== * With this staff, you shall do, My wonders! ==Tzipporah== * Look. Look at your people, Moses. They are free. ==Miriam== * Moses, hear what I say. I've been a slave all my life. And God has never answered my prayers until now. God saved you from the river, He saved you in all your wanderings, and even now, He saves you from the wrath of Pharaoh. God will not abandon you. So don't you abandon us. ==Aaron== * Miriam, do you want us flogged? ==Others== * '''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' River, O, River / Flow gently for me / Such precious cargo you bear / Do you know somewhere he can be free? / River, deliver him there. * '''Hotep and Huy''': ''[repeated line]'' By the power of Ra! * '''Overseers''': ''[chanting]'' Mud...sand...water...straw. Faster! Mud...and lift...sand...and pull...water...and raise up! Straw...faster! * '''Hebrews''': ''[singing]'' :With the sting of the whip on my shoulder, :With the salt of my sweat on my brow... :Elohim, God on high, can You hear Your people cry? :Help us now, this dark hour... :Deliver us, hear our call, deliver us, Lord of all! :Remember us, here in the burning sand! :Deliver us, there's a land You promised us! :Deliver us out of bondage and, :Deliver us to the promised land! == Dialogue == :''[We open on a yellow sky, swirling with clouds, then cut to thousands of Jewish slaves toiling in the mud and sand as overseers beat them with whips.]'' :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Mud! Sand! Water! Straw! Faster! Mud and lift! Sand and pull! Water, and raise up! Straw! :'''Guard''': Faster! :'''Men''': ''[continues singing]'' With the sting of the whip, on my shoulder! :''[he whip cracks the man]'' :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' With the salt of my sweat on my brow!<br> :Elohim, God on high, can you hear your people cry?<br> :Help us now! <br> :This dark hour! Deliver us! <br> :Hear our call, deliver us! <br> :Lord of all, remember us here in this burning sand!<br> :Deliver us, there's a land you promised us!<br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :''[the guards run]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Yal-di ha-tov veh ha-rach, al ti-ra veh al tif-cha-d.<br> :My son, I have nothing I can give.<br> :But this chance that you may live.<br> :I pray we'll meet again. If he will deliver us. :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us, hear our prayer!<br> :Deliver us from despair <br> :These years of slavery grow too cruel to stand!<br> :Deliver us, there's a land you promised us! <br> :Deliver us out of bondage and <br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :''[they all walk to a river, then Young Miriam puts the basket down, then opening a top]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Hush now, my baby, be still, love, don't cry.<br> :Sleep as you're rocked by the stream.<br> :Sleep and remember my last lullaby.<br> :So I'll be with you when you dream. ''[kisses the baby, then closing the top, then she continues singing]''<br> :River, oh, river, flow gently for me. <br> :Such precious cargo, you bear.<br> :Do you know somewhere he can live free? <br> :River, deliver him there. :'''Young Miriam''': ''[singing]'' Brother, you're safe now and safe may you stay<br> :For I have a prayer just for you.<br> :Grow, baby brother, come back someday.<br> :Come and deliver us, too. :''[Queen Taya pets the baby]'' :'''Rameses''': Mommy! :'''Queen Taya''': Come, Rameses. We will show Pharaoh your new baby brother, Moses. :'''Men''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us send a shepherd to shepherd us <br> :And deliver us to the promised land! <br> :Deliver us to the promised land! :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen cuts into they both go chariot racing by opening a door]'' :'''Young Moses''': Ha, ha! :'''Young Rameses:''' Faster, you beasts! You run like mules. :''[they both continue racing]'' :'''Young Moses''': Hey, Rameses, how'd you like to have your face carved on a wall? :'''Young Rameses''': Someday, yes! :'''Young Moses''': How about now?! ''[pushes Rameses' chariot into a wall]'' :'''Young Rameses''': You almost killed me! :'''Young Moses''': Oh, come on! Where's your sense of fun? :'''Young Rameses''': Oh, it's fun you want! :''[He accelerates and goes careening off a dune.]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses? :''[Moses jumps over him, whooping and laughing. Rameses gives chase, as they approach the city of Pyramid of Egypt. They demolish a boardgame being played by two peasants. Rameses rides over an upper level of the city of Pyramid of Egypt like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''', '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]''' and '''[[w:The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3|The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'''.]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Come on, Moses, admit it. You've always looked up to me. :'''Young Moses''': Yes, but it's not much of a view! ''[laughing]'' Hyah! Whoo! ''[the piece lands on the horses, then pulling back]'' :'''Man''': Hey! :'''Young Rameses''': Second born, second place! :'''Young Moses:''' Not for long! :''[they both continue racing, then racing up the stairs, then the wood floor begins falling down, then turning left, then breaking the wood, then the pait falls down, then the ladder falls down, then drawing a mouth at the bottom of the nose, then the wood breaks the nose by falling into the wood, then they run like a helter skelter, then the nose falls closer to Moses]'' :'''Young Moses''': Jump! ''[he jumps away from the wooden floor, breaking it completely, then they run on top, then they laughing, then they slide down by the men with Hotep and Huy, knocking everybody over, then they slide down by sand like a wave of water, then they jump off]'' :'''Young Rameses''': You don't think we'll get in trouble for this, do you? :'''Young Moses''': No, not a chance. :''[Cut to Pharaoh Seti scolding Rameses and Moses]'' :'''Seti''': Why do the gods torment me with such ''reckless'', destructive, blasphemous sons? :'''Young Rameses''': Father, hear what I say- :'''Seti''': Be still, Pharaoh speaks! I seek to build an empire, and your only thought is to amuse yourselves by tearing it down. Have I taught you nothing? :'''Hotep''': You mustn't be so hard on yourself, Your Majesty. You're an excellent teacher. :'''Huy''': It's not your fault your sons learned "nothing". :'''Hotep''': Well, they learned blasphemy. :'''Huy''': True. ''[They both leave]'' :'''Young Moses''': Father, the fault is mine. I goaded Rameses on, and so I am responsible. :'''Seti''': Humph. "Responsible". ''[to Rameses]'' And do you understand the meaning of that word, Rameses? :'''Young Rameses''': I understand, Father. :'''Seti''': And do you understand the task for which your birth has destined you? The ancient traditions: when I pass into the next world, then ''you'' will be the Morning and Evening Star. :'''Young Rameses''': One damaged temple does not destroy centuries of tradition. :'''Seti''': ''[points at Rameses, raising his voice in anger]'' But one ''weak link'' can break the chain of a mighty dynasty! ''[the Queen relieves him. He then sighs in exasperation]'' You have my leave to go. :'''Young Rameses''': Father... ''[The Queen stops him and he leaves, frustrated]'' :'''Young Moses''': Father, you know it was really my fault. Must you be so hard on him? :'''Seti''': Moses, you will never have to carry a burden like the crown I will pass to Rameses. He must not allow himself to be lead astray; not even by you, my son. :'''Young Moses''': All he cares about is...is your approval. I know he will live up to your expectations. He only needs the opportunity. :'''Seti''': ''[considering]'' Maybe, maybe so. Go now, I shall see you both tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Moses''': Well, that went well. :'''Young Rameses''': Just go away. :'''Young Moses''': Could've been worse. :'''Young Rameses''': The weak link in the chain. That's what he called me. :'''Young Moses''': Well, you ''are'' rather pathetic. :'''Young Rameses''': Irresponsible, ignorant of the traditions. He practically accused me of bringing down the dynasty! :'''Young Moses''': Yeah, I can see it now. There go the pyramids! ''[laughs]'' :'''Young Rameses''': ''[leaps down]'' ''You'' can laugh about it. :'''Young Moses''': Statues cracking and toppling over, the Nile drying up; single-handedly, you will manage to bring the greatest kingdom on Earth to ruin. :'''Young Rameses''': Tell me this, Moses, tell me this: why is it that every time ''you'' start something, ''I'm'' the one who ends up in trouble? :''[Moses drops a sack full of wine onto Hotep and Huy]'' :'''Hotep''': Oh! Man! ''[spits out punch]'' :'''Huy''': Oh! :'''Hotep''': Ah! Rameses, you're in trouble, young man! :'''Huy''': Rameses, get down here! I think you owe us an apology! :'''Hotep''': Oh, my new thing! :'''Huy''': I am so upset! :'''Young Moses''': ''[hands Rameses a bowl of wine]'' You might as well. :'''Hotep''': You'll pay for this! :'''Huy''': We're going to tell the Pharaoh! :''[Rameses dumps all the wine on Hotep and Huy]'' :'''Hotep''': Oh, look at me! I'm drenched again! :'''Young Moses''': Hey, I figured it out. You know what your problem is, Rameses? :'''Young Rameses''': What? :'''Young Moses''': You care too much. :'''Young Rameses''': And your problem is that you don't care at all. :'''Young Moses''': Well, in that case, I supposed that you care a lot more than I do that we're...late for the banquet, for example. :''[Rameses's face suddenly lights up in alarm as we cut to Rameses and Moses rushing to the banquet]'' :'''Young Rameses''': I'm done for! Father will kill me! :'''Young Moses''': Don't worry, nobody will even notice us comin' in. ''[They enter, but the entire crowd sees them and cheers loudly]'' :'''Young Rameses''': "Nobody will even notice?" :''[Moses laughs nervously]'' :'''Tuya''': ''[approaches them]'' Ah, the young princes! ''[hugs her sons, then sides to her real son]'' Rameses, you were just named Prince Regent. You are now responsible for overseeing all the temples. I suggest you get over there and thank your father. ''[Rameses walks off]'' Apparently, Moses...someone thought he "just needed the opportunity". :'''Young Moses''': ''[approaches Rameses and Seti]'' My lord, Pharaoh! I propose that the high priests offer tribute to their new Regent! :'''Seti''': An excellent idea! Hotep! Huy! :''[The priests drop the goblets]'' :'''Hotep''': ''[Whispers]'' Huy? :'''Huy''': What? :'''Hotep''': The Midian girl... :'''Huy''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh! Good idea! :'''Hotep''': Go get her. ''[Huy runs off. He addresses the guests and performs a magic spell]'' By the power of Ra! We present for your delectation and delight, an exotic apparition stolen from faraway lands. ''[a large box-like construction rises from the floor, revealing an attractive young woman named Tzipporah, riding a camel. Huy restrains her by her hands with a rope. Moses and Rameses are enthralled]'' We offer you this...delicate desert flower. :''[Hotep yanks the rope, and Tzipporah is dragged off her camel, screaming. The crowd shouted in wild excitement. She fights against her restraints]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Let us inspect this "desert flower"... ''[Tzipporah tries to bites, his hand missed]'' Ehhg! More like a desert cobra. :'''Young Moses''': Not much of a snake-charmer, are you? :'''Young Rameses''': ''[pushes Moses to her]'' That's why I give her to you. :'''Young Moses''': ''[tries to back away from Tzipporah]'' No, no, no. That's generous, but- :'''Tzipporah''': ''[to Moses]'' I won't be given to anyone, especially an arrogant, pampered palace brat! :'''Young Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Are you gonna let her talk to you like that? ''[Tzipporah groans trying to the ropes off her wrists while Moses gets Rameses off of him]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[points at Tzipporah]'' You will show the proper respect for a prince of Egypt. :'''Tzipporah''': But I am showing you all the respect you deserve. ''[pulls rope away from Hotep and Huy]'' None! :'''Young Moses''': No, wait! Be still! ''[grabs the rope]'' :'''Tzipporah''': I demand you set me free! :'''Young Moses''': Be ''still!'' :'''Tzipporah''': Let ''go!'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[noticed the pond]'' As you wish. ''[lets go of the rope, causing Tzipporah to scream and fall backwards into the pond]'' :''[The crowd laughs. Moses joins in, but sees the queen looking on in disgust, and stops]'' :'''Young Rameses''': ''[approaches, laughing; to the servants who lead Tzipporah out of the pond]'' You there! Have her dried off, and sent to Prince Moses's chambers. ''[to Seti]'' If it pleases you, Father, my first act of Regent is to appoint Moses ''[places the blue ring on Moses' finger]'' as Royal Chief Architect! :''[The crowd cheers. Moses smiles, then stares back at Tzipporah, who looks back at him in disgust, as she is led away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Moses enters his chambers, he sees a silhouetted figure in his bed, and approaches]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[to himself]'' Well...alright... :''[He pulls the curtain back, and sees the servant bound and gagged, and muffled. His two dogs tied to a pillar. Moses runs to the window, and sees several bedsheets tied to the pillar like a ladder. He sees Tzipporah leading her camel through the courtyard. The camel grunts]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[whispers]'' Shh, come on. :''[Moses climbs down the tied bedsheets, then sees two guards]'' :'''Young Moses''': Guards! :'''Guards''': ''[approach him]'' Prince Moses. :'''Young Moses''': ''[stares at Tzipporah, then he addresses the guards]'' There's...a man...tied up in my room. Well, look into it! :'''Guards''': Right away, sir! ''[run off]'' :''[Moses chuckles Then he runs out of the palace, following Tzipporah into the Jewish village. He spies her at a well, talking with a now grown-up Aaron and Miriam]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[whispers to Miriam]'' Please, I need water. I have a long journey ahead of me. :'''Miriam''': ''[giving her water]'' May God protect you. :'''Tzipporah''': Thank you. ''[climbs onto her camel]'' Hut-hut! ''[rides off]'' :''[Moses sees Tzipporah riding out of Egypt, and is smitten. Then he hears the vase shattering, and looks down to Miriam]'' :'''Miriam''': ''[looking up to Moses]'' Oh, I am so sorry… I… please forgive me… I… I didn't expect to see you… ''[recognizing Moses]'' here! Of all places at our door. Hmm. At last! :'''Young Moses''': ''[confused]'' At last? :'''Miriam''': ''[hugging Aaron]'' Didn't I tell you, Aaron? Didn't I tell you? He would return to us when he was ready. :'''Aaron''': ''[whispers]'' Miriam, do you want us flogged? :'''Miriam''': ''[to Moses]'' I knew you cared about our freedom! :'''Aaron''': ''[whispers]'' Miriam... :'''Young Moses''': Freedom? ''[chuckles]'' Why would I care about that? :'''Miriam''': Because you… you're our brother. :'''Young Moses''': ''[scoffs]'' What? :'''Miriam''': ''[her face fell]'' They… ''[Long pauses; sighs]'' they never told you? :'''Young Moses''': Who never told me what? :'''Miriam''': B-But you're here! You must know. ''[reaches to touch his hand]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[pulling away]'' Be careful, slave! :'''Aaron''': ''[pulls Miriam back nervously]'' Oh, my good prince… um, she… she's exhausted from the day's work. Not that it was too much! We… We quite enjoyed it, but-but ah, she's confused, and knows not to whom she speaks. :'''Miriam''': ''[breaks his grip]'' I know "to whom I speak", Aaron! I know who you are, and you are not a prince of Egypt! :'''Aaron''': Miriam-! :'''Young Moses''': What did you say?! :'''Aaron''': Your Highness, pay her no heed! C-C-Come, Miriam. May I discuss something with you? :'''Miriam''': ''[fighting him]'' No, Aaron. No! Please, Moses, you must believe! :'''Aaron''': That's enough. :'''Miriam''': You were born of my mother, Yocheved! :'''Aaron''': Stop it! :'''Miriam''': ''[breaks free of Aaron]'' You are our brother! :'''Young Moses''': Now you go too far. You should be punished! :'''Aaron''': ''[throws himself on ground between them]'' NO! Please… uh, Your Highness… she's ill! She's very ill; we beg your forgiveness. Please, Miriam; l-let's go! ''[starts dragging her away]'' :'''Miriam''': No, Aaron! Our mother set you adrift in a basket to save your life! :'''Aaron''': Miriam! :'''Young Moses''': Save my life?! From who?! :'''Miriam''': ''[still struggling]'' Ask the man that you call father! :'''Young Moses''': ''[angrily]'' How ''dare'' you…?! ''[Aaron gives up and stands beside a wall, looking away]'' :'''Miriam''': God saved you to be our deliverer! :'''Young Moses''': Enough of this! :'''Miriam''': And you are, Moses. You are the deliverer. :'''Young Moses''': ''[yelling at her]'' I SAID ENOUGH! ''[grabs her arm, throws her to ground]'' You will regret this night. ''[stomps off]'' :'''Miriam''': ''[weeps; singing]'' Hush now, my baby. Be still now. Don't cry. Sleep as you're rocked by the stream. ''[Moses stops walking, recognizing the familiar lullaby]'' Sleep and remember my last lullaby. So I'll be with you when you dream. :''[Moses, disturbed by the lullaby only he knows, runs away in confusion]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Seti''': The Hebrews grew too numerous. They might have risen against us. :'''Young Moses''': ''[on the brink of tears]'' Father, tell me you didn't do this. :'''Seti''': Moses, sometimes, for the greater good, sacrifices must be made. :'''Young Moses''': Sacrifices? :'''Seti''': ''[taking Moses tenderly into his arms]'' Oh, my son… they were only slaves. :''[Moses, greatly disturbed, pulls away, shakes his head in anger and disgust at Seti, and runs off into the darkness]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen Tuya''': Moses? :'''Young Moses''': Is this where you found me? :'''Queen Tuya''': Moses, please try to understand. :'''Young Moses''': So… So everything I thought, everything I am, is a lie. :'''Queen Tuya''': No. You are our son, and we love you. :'''Young Moses''': Why did you choose me? :'''Queen Tuya''': We didn't, Moses. The gods did. ''[walks down the stairs, then sitting down, then singing]'' This is your home, my son.<br> :Here the river brought you<br> :And it's here the river meant <br> :To be your home.<br> :Now you know the truth, love.<br> :Now forget and be content. <br> :When the gods send you a blessing, <br> :You don't ask why it was sent. :''[they both hug]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Rameses''': ''[puts scrolls down]'' Last night, the gods granted me a vision. I'm not merely going to restore this temple, I will make it more grand, more splendid than any other one in Egypt. :''[the slave whip cracks the man's butt, then walking up, then the men continue pulling, then bringing a bag, then the men continue pulling, then knocking the man]'' :'''Man''': Get up! ''[whip cracks the bag]'' :''[he walks away by knocking the man]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Look. Fate has turned our little misadventure into a great opportunity. :''[they both walk]'' :'''Guard''': Get up, old man! :'''Young Rameses''': Father will be so pleased... :'''Guard''': Put your back into it! Faster! :''[Aaron continues chopping]'' :'''Young Rameses''': This is just the beginning. A gateway will open to an entire new city of white limestone, more dazzling than the sun. And here, a statue of Hapi. :'''Guard''': ''[whip cracks the man]'' I said, hurry! :'''Young Rameses''': ...two great column halls. :'''Miriam''': Stop it! Somebody's got to stop this! :'''Aaron''': There's nothing we can do. :''[the guard whip cracks the man, then running by looking at a man with a whip crack hitting him]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[quietly]'' Stop it. ''[louder]'' Stop. STOP IT! LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE! :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! :''[Moses attacks the guard by falling down, breaking the wood]'' :'''Kahma''': Out of my way. Out of my way. Move! Who did this? :'''Man''': Up there! It's him. Up there. :''[he pants, then looking at the men, gasping, then running away]'' :'''Miriam''': Moses! :''[he continues running away, then rolling down, then Rameses grabs Moses]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses, what's going on? Moses! :''[he continues running away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Moses! :'''Young Moses''': Let me go! :'''Young Rameses''': No, wait. :'''Young Moses''': You saw what happened. I just ''killed'' a man! :'''Young Rameses''': We can take care of that! I... I will make it so it never happened! :'''Young Moses''': Nothing you can say can change what I've done. :'''Young Rameses''': I am Egypt! The morning and the evening star! If I say day is night, it will be written! And you will be what I say you are! I say you are innocent! :'''Young Moses''': What you say does not matter. You don't understand. I can't stay here any longer...! :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! :'''Young Moses''': No! All I've ever known to be true is a lie! I'm not who you think I am. :'''Young Rameses''': What are you talking about? :'''Young Moses''': Go ask the man I once called "Father." ''[walks away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses? Please... :'''Young Moses''': ''[with sad finality]'' Goodbye, brother. ''[walks away]'' :'''Young Rameses''': Moses! Moses! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Moses''': Hey, wait. Please. ''[drags him on the ground, then he continues dragging on the ground, by sheep, then hitting by a well, then putting the face in the water, all wet, then the sheep spits water out, later a girl just shriek off-screen.]'' :'''Girl''': What are you doing? Help! Let our sheep drink! Leave us alone! Get away! Stop it! My father's the high priest of Midian. You're going to be in big trouble. :'''Young Moses''': Hey, you. Aren't these your camels? Hut-hut! :'''Man''': No, no! No, no! ''[they both run to get the camels]'' Wait! Wait, stop! :''[he lays on the ground, then falling in the well, then they all get Young Moses back up]'' :'''Tzipporah''': What are you girls doing? :'''Boy''': We're trying to get the funny man out of the well. :'''Tzipporah''': Trying to get the funny man out of the well. Well, that's one I've never heard before. ''[gasping]'' Oh, my. Oh, uh, don't worry down there! Uh, we'll get you out. Hold on! :''[they all pull Young Moses back up]'' :'''Tzipporah''': You. :'''Young Moses''': Huh? :'''Tzipporah''': ''[lets go of the well, falling in as retribution for what happened]'' Mm-hmm. ''[walks away]'' :'''Girl''': That's why papa says she'll never get married. :''[they all wash Young Moses]'' :'''Young Moses''': You don't have to do this. Ladies, please, I'm really... I'm really quite... No, not there, please. ''[laughing]'' That tickles. Ladies, you've cleaned every inch of me. Whoa, I... I was wrong. :''[the kids laugh]'' :'''Jethro''': Let me through. Let me through. I want to see him. Ah! You are most welcome. ''[hugs Young Moses]'' You should not be a stranger in this land. You have been sent as a blessing. And, tonight, you shall be my honored guest. ''[walks away, laughing]'' :'''Tzipporah''': My father, Jethro, high priest of Midian. <hr width="50%"/> :''[he walks outside of the tent, then looking at a fire]'' :'''Jethrodiadah''': ''[to Moses]'' Psst! Sit with me! :'''Moses''': Alright. ''[sits down with Tzipporah's sisters and picks up the fruit and is about to eats it]'' :'''Ajolidoforah''': ''[to Moses]'' Psst! Not yet! :'''Moses''': Oh, sorry. ''[puts the the fruit back into the bowl]'' :'''Jethro''': My children! Let us give thanks for this bountiful food, and let us also give thanks for the presence of this brave young man whom we honor here tonight. :'''Moses''': Please, sir, I wish you wouldn't. I've done nothing in my life worth honoring. ''[Tzipporah is surprised by these words. So is Jethro]'' :'''Jethro''': First you rescue Tzipporah from Egypt, ''[pinches Tzipporah's cheek playfully]'' then you defend my younger daughters from brigands. ''[walks over and hugs Tzipporah's sisters]'' You think that is nothing? It seems you do not know what is worthy of honor. ''[singing]'' A single thread in a tapestry though its color brightly shine<br> :Can never see its purpose in a pattern of the grand design.<br> :And the stone that that sits on the very top of the mountain's mighty face<br> :Does it think it's more important than the stones that form the base? <br> :So, how can you see what your life is worth or where your value lies?<br> :You can never see through the eyes of man. <br> :You must look at your life, look at your life through heaven's eyes. :'''Crowd''': ''[singing]'' La-la-la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. La, la-la-la-la-la-la. La-la-la-la-la-la. Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-la. :'''Jethrodiadah''': Dance with me. :'''Young Moses''': No, I don't know how. :''[grabs the children, then clapping to the dancing beat, then they all pull up a tent]'' :'''Jethro''': ''[singing]'' A lake of gold in the desert sand is less than a cool, fresh spring<br> :And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy is greater than the richest king<br> :If a man loses everything he knows, has he truly lost his worth,<br> :Or is it the beginning of a new and brighter birth? <br> :So how do you measure the worth of a man in wealth or strength or size?<br> :In how much he gained or how much he gave?<br> :The answer will come, the answer will come to him who tries. <br> :To look at his life through heaven's eyes! <br> :And that's why we share all we have with you, though there's little to be found.<br> :When all you've got is nothing, there's a lot to go around. <br> :No life can escape being blown out by the winds of change and chance. <br> :And though you never know all the steps :'''Tzipporah''': Dance with me. :'''Moses''': No, I... No. No! :'''Jethro''': ''[singing]'' You must learn to join the dance. You must learn to join the dance! :'''Crowd''': ''[singing]'' La-la-la, lee-lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai. Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai-lai! Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai! Lai-lai-lai-lai, lee-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai-lai! So how do you judge what a man is worth by what he builds or buys,<br> :You can never see with your eyes on earth! <br> :Look through heaven's eyes! <br> :Look at your life! Look at your life!<br> :Look at your life through heaven's eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': ''[touches Tzipporah, then kissing Tzipporah]'' I love you. ''[gets up, then walks away, then opens a curtain, looking at the sky by the sheep, then inhaling, then walking by the sheep, then petting the sheep, then the sheep runs away, then sighing, then walking up]'' It's too early for this. ''[he walks inside a cave by God, then looking at it, then getting down by God, then touching the fire, holding a stick, then the head touches a fire]'' :'''God''': ''[whispering]'' ''Moses...'' :'''Moses''': Here I am. :'''God''': ''Take the sandals from your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground.'' :'''Moses''': Who are you? :'''God''': ''I Am that I Am.'' :'''Moses''': I don't understand. :'''God''': ''I am the God of your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.'' :'''Miriam''': ''[from Moses' memory]'' You are born of my mother Yocheved! You are our brother! :'''Moses''': ''[quickly removes his sandals and throws them behind him]'' What do You want with me? :'''God''': ''I have seen the oppression of my people in Egypt, and have heard their cry.'' ''[sounds of screaming and whipping of an old man from Moses' memory]'' :'''Young Moses''': ''[from Moses' memory]'' '''''Stop it! Leave that man alone!''''' :'''God''': ''So I have come to deliver them out of slavery and bring them into a good land. A land flowing with milk and honey. And so, unto Pharaoh, I shall send''...'''you.''' :'''Moses''': Me? Who am I to lead these people? They'll never believe me, they won't even listen. :'''God''': ''I shall teach you what to say.'' ''[Moses' words "Let my people go!" is heard in his vision]'' :'''Moses''': But I was their enemy. I was the prince of Egypt, the son of the man who slaughtered...their children! You've...you've chosen the wrong messenger. H-H-How can I even speak to these people? :''[The bush flame brightens and the blue flames spread out, God yells loudly]'' :'''God''': ''''' WHO MADE MAN'S MOUTH?! WHO MADE THE DEAF, THE MUTE, THE SEEING, OR THE BLIND? DID NOT I?! NOW GO!''''' :''[Moses falls to the ground, cowering; God gently lifts Moses off the ground]'' :'''God''': ''Oh, Moses. I will be with you when you go to the king of Egypt. But Pharaoh will not listen. So I will stretch out My hand and smite Egypt with all My wonders! Take the staff in your hand, Moses. With it, you shall do My wonders!'' ''I shall be with you, Moses.'' ''[puts Moses down on the ground, and vanishes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tzipporah''': But, Moses, you are just one man. :'''Moses''': Tzipporah, please. ''[sighing]'' Look at your family. :'''Moses''': They are free. They have a future. They have hopes and dreams and the promise of a life with dignity. That is what I want for my people. And that is why I must do the task that God has given me. :''[the people walk with the sheep, then they hug]'' :'''Tzipporah''': I'm coming with you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[they all wave with the camel walking by Moses and Tzipporah, by desert, buildings, then the men push, with the camel walking with Moses and Tzipporah, then laying on the ground, then grabbing the boy, then the men walk away, the guards walk inside, by the men, then they all lay down, then Rameses puts his hand up]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses. :'''Rameses''': Moses? Is it really? :'''Rameses''': ''[hugs Moses]'' Moses! :'''Moses''': Rameses! :'''Rameses''': Where have you been? I took you for dead. :''[they both laugh]'' :'''Rameses''': Look at you! :'''Moses''': Pharaoh. :'''Rameses''': Well, look at you. What on earth are you dressed as? :'''Moses''': Oh, Rameses, it's so good to see you. :'''Hotep''': Excuse me, Your Majesty. We are compelled to remind you this man committed a serious crime against the gods. :'''Huy''': We are loathe to bring it up, mind you. :'''Hotep''': The law clearly states the punishment for such a crime... :'''Huy''': Death! :'''Hotep''': We hesitate to say it. :'''Rameses''': Be still. Pharaoh speaks. I am the morning and the evening star. :'''Moses''': Rameses. :'''Rameses''': It shall be as I say. I pardon forever all crimes of which he stands accused and will have it known that he is our brother Moses, the prince of Egypt. :'''Moses''': Rameses, in my heart, you are my brother, but things cannot be as they were. :'''Rameses''': I see no reason why not. :'''Moses''': You know I am a Hebrew, and the God of the Hebrews came to me. :'''Rameses''': What? :'''Moses''': He commands that you let his people go. :''[the crowd murmur]'' :'''Rameses''': Commands? :'''Moses''': ''[raises his stick]'' Behold, the power of God. ''[puts his stick down, then transforming into a snake]'' :'''Rameses''': Well, uh, impressive. Hmm. Very well, Moses. I'll play along. ''[chuckling]'' Hotep. Huy. Give this snake charmer our answer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Both''': By the power of Ra. :'''Hotep''': Mut. :'''Huy''': Nut. :'''Hotep''': Khnum. :'''Huy''': Ptah. :'''Hotep''': Nephthys. :'''Huy''': Nekhbet. :'''Hotep''': Sobek. :'''Huy''': Sekhmet. Sokar. Selket. Reshpu. Wadjet. Anubis. Anukis. Seshmu. Meshkent. :'''Hotep''': Hemsut. :'''Huy''': Tefnut. :'''Hotep''': Heket. :'''Huy''': Mafdet. :'''Hotep''': Ra, Mut, Nut, Ptah. Hemsut, Tefnut, Sokar, Selket. Seshmu, Reshpu, Sobek, Wadjet. Heket, Mafdet, Nephthys, Nekhbet, Ra! ''[singing]'' So you think you've got friends in high places with the power to put us on the run. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Well, forgive us these smiles on our faces. You'll know what power is when we are done. :'''Both''': Son. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Playing with the big boys now. :'''Hotep''': Oh, that's pretty. ''[singing]'' Every spell and gesture. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Tells you who's the best. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now. You're playing with the big boys now. You're playing with the big boys now. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' Stop this foolish mission! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Watch a true magician! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' Give an exhibition how! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' Pick up your silly twig, boy! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now! :'''Hotep''': Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! :'''Priests''': ''[singing]'' By the power of Ra, Mut, Nut, Khnum, Ptah, Sobek, Sekhmet, Sokar, Selket, Anubis, Anukis, Hemsut, Tefnut, Meshkent, Mafdet! :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' You're playing with the big boys now! You're playing with the big boys now! By the might of Horus, you will kneel before us! Kneel to our splendorous power! :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' You put up a front! :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' You put up a fight! :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' And just to show we feel no spite. :'''Huy''': ''[singing]'' You can be our acolyte. :'''Hotep''': ''[singing]'' But first, boy. It's time to bow. :'''Priests''': Kowtow! Or it's your own grave you'll dig, boy. You're playing with the big boys.<br> :Playing with the big boys. Playing with the big boys. <br> :Playing with the big boys! Playing with the big boys!<br> :Playing with the big boys! Playing with the big boys now! :''[the crowd cheer]'' :'''Huy''': They love it. :''[they all shout and cheer, then grabbing a snake, transforming back into a stick, then they both walk out]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rameses''': All right, Moses, I know you. What's this really about? :'''Moses''': Rameses, look. What do you see? :'''Rameses''': A greater Egypt than that of my father. :'''Moses''': That is not what I see. :'''Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Moses, I cannot change what you see. I have to maintain the ancient traditions. I bear the weight of my father's crown. :'''Moses''': Do you still not understand what Seti was? :'''Rameses''': He was a great leader. :'''Moses''': His hands bore the blood of thousands of children. :'''Rameses''': ''[scoffs]'' Slaves. :'''Moses''': My people! And I can no longer hide in the desert while they suffer...at your hands. :'''Rameses''': So...you have returned...only to free them. :'''Moses''': ''[removes the ring Rameses gave him and places it on the armrest of the throne]'' I'm sorry. :'''Rameses''': ''[picks it up and bows his head, saddened]'' Yes. I had hoped...that... ''[closes his eyes, looks up, his regret melted into cold anger, put your hat on and stands up]'' I do not know this God. Neither will I let your people go. ''[turns to leaves]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses, please, you must listen-! :'''Rameses''': ''[furiously]'' I WILL '''''NOT''''' BE THE WEAK LINK! ''[opens the doors]'' Tell your people, as of today their work load has been doubled, thanks to your God. ''[Moses' eyes widen in horror]'' Or is it thanks... to you? ''[coldly and angrily shuts the doors]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Old Hebrew Man''': ''[looks up and sees Moses]'' It's Moses. ''[throws a handful of mud at Moses' face, which sends him to the underground]'' :'''Tzipporah''': Moses! ''[Aaron and several other Hebrews surround Moses, looking at him angrily]'' :'''Aaron''': So, Moses, how does it feel when ''you'' get struck to the ground? :'''Moses''': I didn't mean to cause you more pain. I'm just trying to do as God told me. :'''Aaron''': God? ''[scoffs]'' When did God start caring about any of us? In fact, Moses, when did ''you'' start caring about slaves? Was it when you found out that you ''were'' one of us? :'''Tzipporah''': Don't listen to him. :'''Moses''': No, he's right. I did not see because I did not wish to see. :'''Aaron''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, you didn't see because you didn't ''wish'' to see. Ah! Well, that makes everything fine then, doesn't it? :'''Miriam''': ''[walks over and glares at her brother, unimpressed]'' Aaron! You shame yourself! ''[then sees Moses, smilingly]'' :'''Moses''': Miriam. I'm so sorry. ''[covers his face in shame]'' :'''Miriam''': Moses, hear what I say. I have been a slave all of my life, and God has never answered my prayers until now. God saved you from the river, He saved you in all your wanderings, and even now, He saves you from the wrath of Pharaoh. God will not abandon you. So don't you abandon us. ''[They all look at the men. Moses sees Rameses' boat on the Nile River, then grabs his staff, and walks down. Miriam follows him]'' :'''Aaron''': Miriam. Where are you going? M-Miriam. ''[They all walk down, then looking at a boat]'' :'''Hotep''': The ball disappears. Now, where is it? It's in his hand. How about that? ''[The Egyptians all laugh]'' :'''Moses''': ''[walks over to the edge of the river]'' Rameses! Let my people go! :'''Rameses''': ''[chuckles]'' Still gnawing away at that bone, are we? ''[to his guards]'' Carry on. :'''Moses''': You cannot keep ignoring us. :'''Rameses''': Enough! I will hear no more of this Hebrew nonsense. ''[to his guards]'' Bring him to me. ''[Guards pull out their knives and jump into the Nile to retrieve Moses]'' :'''Tzipporah''': ''[running after him]'' ''Moses!'' :'''Aaron''': ''[holding Tzipporah back along with Miriam]'' No! ''[Moses walks into the water, and looks up to the sky]'' :'''God''': ''Take the staff in your hand, Moses.'' : ''[Moses follows God's command; dips staff into water; water slowly turns to blood in the water; Miriam, Tzipporah and Aaron rushed down to the water; guards look confused; 1 guard dips hand into blood infested water]'' :'''Rameses' Son''': ''[touches the blood infested water]'' Father- :'''Miriam''': It's- :'''Guard''': BLOOD! :''[The guards start screaming in horror and rush to back to the boat]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[getting splattered with blood]'' Hotep! Huy! Explain this to me! :'''Hotep''': Ah! :'''Huy''': Rest assured, Your Majesty! :'''Hotep''': Uh, yes, we were going to demonstrate the superior might of our gods. Uh... ''[puts the jug down, then collects the red powder]'' By the power of Ra! ''[drops the red powder into the water, creates the same blood]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[dips his hand to the blood, and chuckles]'' Abandon this futile mission, Moses. I've indulged you long enough! This must now be finished! ''[sails off]'' :'''Moses''': ''[to himself]'' No, Rameses. It is only beginning. :'''Aaron''': But, Moses, didn't you see what happened? The priests did the same thing. Pharaoh still has the power over our lives. :'''Moses''': Yes, Aaron, it's true. Pharaoh has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharaoh can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you: Your faith. ''[Miriam smiles]'' Believe, for we will see God's wonders. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chorus''': ''[Singing]'' : Thus saith the Lord, : thus saith the Lord... : Since you refuse to free my people all : through the land of Egypt, : I send a pestilence and plague Into your house, : into your bed, into your streams, into your streets, : into your drink, into your bread, upon your cattle, : on your sheep, upon your oxen, in your field, : into your dreams, into your sleep, until you break, : until you yield, I send the swarm, : I send the horde, Thus saith the Lord. :'''Moses''': ''[Singing]'' : Once I called you brother. : Once I thought the chance to make you laugh : was all I ever wanted... :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the thunder from the sky, : I send the fire raining down. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : And even now, : I wish that God had chose another. : Serving as your foe on His behalf, : is the last thing that I wanted. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send a hail of burning ice on every field, : on every town. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : This was my home... : All this pain and devastation, : how it tortures me inside. : All the innocent who suffer, : from your stubbornness and pride. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the locusts on a wind, : such as the world has never seen, on every leaf, : on every stalk, until there's nothing left of green! : I send my scourge, I send my sword. : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : You who I called brother, : why must you call down another blow? :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send my scourge, : I send my sword. :'''Moses''': ''[singing]'' : Let my people go. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord. :'''Moses and Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Rameses''': ''[Singing]'' : You who I called brother. : How could you have come to hate me so? : ''Is this what '''you''' wanted?'' :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : I send the swarm, : I send the horde. :'''Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : Then let my heart be hardened, : and never mind how high the cost may grow. : This will still be so: : I will never let your people go! :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord. :'''Moses and Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Thus saith The Lord! :'''Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : I will not- :'''Moses, Chorus and Rameses''': ''[singing]'' : Let your ''[Moses: my]'' people go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': Rameses? Rameses? :'''Rameses''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let me guess. You want me to… "let your people go". :'''Moses''': I… I hoped I would find you here. :'''Rameses''': Get out! ''[throws a goblet at him, but misses]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses… we must bring this to an end. ''[Rameses is silent]'' Rameses, please. Talk to me. We could always talk here. ''[paused]'' This place… so many memories… I remember the time you… ''[chuckles]'' switched the heads of the gods in the Temple of Ra. ''[silent, starts to leave]'' :'''Rameses''': If I recall correctly, you were there switching heads right along with me. :'''Moses''': No, that was you, I didn't do that. :'''Rameses''': Oh yes, you did. You put the hippo on the crocodile and the crocodile… :'''Moses''': ''[remembers]'' …on the falcon. :'''Rameses''': Yes! And the priests thought it was a horrible omen and fasted for two months! Father was furious! You were always getting me into trouble! ''[pauses as his expression softens]'' But then… you were always there to get me ''out'' of trouble again. ''[chuckles]'' Why can't things be the way they were before? :'''Rameses' Son''': Father, it's so dark. I'm frightened. ''[Rameses walks over to son to comfort him; sees Moses]'' Why is ''he'' here? Isn't that the man who did all this?! :'''Rameses''': Yes. But one must wonder… why? :'''Moses''': Because no kingdom should be made on the backs of slaves. Rameses, your stubbornness is bringing this misery upon Egypt. It would cease if only you would let the Hebrews go. :'''Rameses''': I will not be dictated to. I will not be threatened! I am the Morning and the Evening Star! I ''am'' '''''Pharaoh!''''' :'''Moses''': Something else is coming, something much worse than anything before! Please! Let go of your contempt for life before it destroys everything you hold dear. Think of your '''son!''' ''[Rameses' son backs away in fear]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[coldly]'' I do. You Hebrews have been nothing but trouble. My father had the right idea about how to deal with ''your'' people. :'''Moses''': ''[worried]'' Rameses! :'''Rameses''': And I think it's time I finished the job! :'''Moses''': ''Rameses!'' :'''Rameses''': And there shall be a great cry in all of Egypt, such as never has been or ever will be again! :''[Moses sees the murals of Pharaoh pointing at a baby, babies in the water, and Rameses' son, who is now utterly horrified. He fears for his nephew's life]'' :'''Moses''': Rameses, you bring this upon yourself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moses''': God has come to me again, saying, '''"Take a lamb, and with its blood...mark the lintel and posts of every door. For tonight...I shall pass through the land of Egypt...and smite all the firstborn. But when I see the blood upon your door...I will pass over you, and the plague shall not enter"'''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Many nights we've prayed with no proof anyone could hear. : In our hearts a hopeful song, we barely understood. : Now we are not afraid. Although we know there's much to fear. : We were moving mountains long before we knew we could. : There can be miracles when you believe. : Though hope is frail. It's hard to kill. : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. : When you believe somehow you will. : You will when you believe. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : In this time of fear, when prayers so often proved in vain. : Hope seemed like the summer birds too swiftly flown away. : Yet now I'm standing here. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Now I'm standing here. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : With so heart so full I can't explain. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Seeking faith and speaking words I never thought I'd say. : There can be miracles when you believe. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : Though hope is frail. It's hard to kill. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : It's hard to kill. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. : When you believe somehow you will. : You will when you believe. :'''Child''': ''[singing]'' : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : ?מִי-כָמֹכָה, בָּאֵלִים אֲדֹנָי (''Miy-xámoxáh, báéliym Ădonáy?'' "Who is like you, O Lord among the gods?") : ?מִי כָּמֹכָה, נֶאְדָּר בַּקֹּדֶשׁ (''Miy kámoxáh, neëddár baqqodeš?'' "Who is like you, glorious in holiness?") :'''Children''': ''[singing]'' : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") : ?מִי-כָמֹכָה, בָּאֵלִים אֲדֹנָי (''Miy-xámoxáh, báéliym Ădonáy?'' "Who is like you, O Lord among the gods?") : ?מִי כָּמֹכָה, נֶאְדָּר בַּקֹּדֶשׁ (''Miy kámoxáh, neëddár baqqodeš?'' "Who is like you, glorious in holiness?") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : There can be miracles when you believe! : Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill! :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : It's hard to kill. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : Who knows what miracles you can achieve. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : You can achieve. :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : When you believe, somehow you will. : Now you will. : You will when you believe. : When you believe. :'''Miriam''': ''[singing]'' : You will when you. :'''Tzipporah''': ''[singing]'' : You will. :'''Both''': ''[singing]'' : Believe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moses walks to the edge of the sea and raises the stick]'' :'''God''': ''With this staff, you shall do my wonders!'' :''[Moses drops the stick. The waters flow up, by rocks, causing the wind, then Aaron walks by Moses, then walking away, then they all walk in, by the wind and thunder, then putting the sheep down, then breaking a wheel]'' :'''Moses''': Leave it! :''[they continue walking, then lighting the torches, by a whale, then gasping, then they continue walking, then the camel lays on Aaron]'' :'''Aaron''': Yeah, me too. :''[he puts down the woman, then the tornado hits the ground, then the tornado disappears, then taking a sword out, the the horses run, and the guards run by horses by charging the people, then the chariot breaks, then the horses continue running, then getting up]'' :'''Rameses''': ''[battle cries out]'' DON'T JUST STAND THERE, KILL THEM! ''[the guards run at the Hebrews]'' KILL THEM ALL! :'''Moses''': The soldiers! They're coming! :''[the Hebrews run away in fear]'' :'''Aaron''': Moses! Moses! Hurry! Hurry! I got you. :'''Man''': Look, the shore! :''[the sea opens, then the men continue running away, then hearing a thunderclap, then the water falls down, then the water crashes down on the soldiers]'' :'''Rameses''': No! ''[the water puts Rameses on a rock]'' :''[he runs away by a wave by wind, then the water transforms back into the sea, long pause, then hugging Aaron, then they all murmur and chatter, then hugging the child, then touching the sand, then hugging the woman, and Tzipporah, then Aaron hugs Moses, then Miriam hugs Tzipporah, then walking to Miriam and Tzipporah, then Miriam hugs Moses]'' :'''Moses''': Thank you. :''[she walks away, then Moses walks away, by looking at clouds and sea, then cut to Rameses]'' :'''Rameses''': Moses! Moses! <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Moses''': Good-bye, brother. ''[he walks up]'' :'''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' : !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה !אָשִׁירָה לַאֲדֹנָי כִּי-גָאֹה גָּאָה (''Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh! Ášiyráh laĂdonáy kiy-gáoh gááh!'' "I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously! I will sing to the Lord for he has triumphed gloriously!") :'''Tzipporah''': Look. Look at your people, Moses. ''[they both look at the people]'' They are free. :'''Chorus''': ''[continues singing]'' : !נָחִיתָ בְחַסְדְּךָ עַם-זוּ גָּאָלְתָּ (''Nájiyþá vjasddxá 'am-zuw gááltá!'' "In your unfailing love you will lead this people you have redeemed!") : !אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה, אָשִׁירָה (''Ášiyráh, ášiyráh, ášiyráh!'' "I'll sing it, I'll sing it, I'll sing it!") :''[Moses, holding the Ten Commandments, walks down the hill, overlooking the village]'' :'''Yocheved''': ''[singing]'' Deliver us! == Cast == * [[Val Kilmer]] - Moses/God (voice) **[[w:Amick Byram|Amick Byram]] - Moses (singing voice) * [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]] - Rameses II (voice) * [[Michelle Pfeiffer]] - Tzipporah (voice) * [[Sandra Bullock]] - Miriam (voice) ** [[w:Brenda Chapman|Brenda Chapman]] - Miriam (singing voice of "River Lullaby") ** [[w:Sally Dworsky|Sally Dworsky]] - Miriam (singing voice of "When You Believe") ** [[w:Eden Riegel|Eden Riegel]] - Young Miriam (voice) * [[Jeff Goldblum]] - Aaron (voice) * [[w:Danny Glover|Danny Glover]] - Jethro (voice) ** [[w:Brian Stokes Mitchell|Brian Stokes Mitchell]] - Jethro (singing voice) * [[Patrick Stewart]] - Pharaoh Seti I (voice) * [[Helen Mirren]] - Queen Tuya (voice) ** Linda Dee Shayne - Queen Tuya (singing voice) * [[Steve Martin]] - Hotep (voice) * [[Martin Short]] - Huy (voice) * [[w:Ofra Haza|Ofra Haza]] - Yocheved (voice) * Bobby Motown - Rameses' Son (voice) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0120794|title=The Prince of Egypt}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=prince_of_egypt|title=The Prince of Egypt}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Prince of Egypt, The}} [[Category:The Prince of Egypt]] [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1998 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated coming-of-age films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:Simon Wells films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films about slavery]] [[Category:Films directed by Brenda Chapman]] [[Category:Censored films]] [[Category:Animated films set in ancient Egypt]] [[Category:DreamWorks Animation]] [[Category:Best Original Song Academy Award winners]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] mfm8zcqcq7ya3ngdmv13c8ta42d4ly3 0 14933 3944478 3869101 2026-05-23T13:47:09Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944478 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:1996 Kathy Acker 004.jpg|thumb|Kathy Acker (1996)]] [[File:Anna Chromy Goddess.jpg|thumb|It's all up to you, [[girls]]. You have to be [[strong]].]] '''[[w:Kathy Acker|Kathy Acker]]''' ([[18 April]] [[1947]] – [[30 November]] [[1997]]), born '''Karen Alexander''', was an American experimental writer widely known for her controversial works that feature extreme violence, sexuality, and fetishism. == Quotes == <!-- [[File:Morning-glory-flower.jpg|thumb| The German [[w:Romanticism|Romantics]] had to destroy the same bastions we do.]] --> [[File:Dream (15247629165).jpg|thumb|My healer reminded me that if [[health]] is based on [[forgiveness]], then I had to forgive ...]] * '''In the total devastation of the heart which is the world''', the lands-lords rule. There is no way we can defeat the landslords. But under their reins and their watchful eyes.<br/>I sail as the winds of lusts and emotions bare me. Everywhere and anywhere. I who will never own, whatever and whenever I want, I take. ** ''Don Quixote'', 1986. As quoted in ''Tactical Readings: Feminist Postmodernism in the Novels of Kathy Acker and Angela Carter'', p. 91, by Nicola Pitchford. Editor Bucknell University Press, 2002. {{ISBN|0838754872}}. * '''It's all up to you, girls. You have to be strong.''' These are the days of post-women's liberation. You have grown up by now and you have to take care of yourself. No one's going to help you. ** ''Blood and Guts in High School''. Editor Penguin UK, 2017. {{ISBN|0241302528}}. * Even a woman who has the soul of a pirate, at least pirate morals, even a woman who prefer loneliness to the bickerings and constraints of heterosexual marriage, even such a woman who is a freak in our society needs a home.<br/>Even freaks needs homes, countries, language, communication.<br/>'''The only characteristic freaks share is our knowledge that we don't fit in.''' Anywhere. Is it for you, freaks, my loves, I am writing and it is about you. ** ''Don Quixote'' (1986) * '''The German [[w:Romanticism|Romantics]] had to destroy the same bastions we do.''' Logocentrism and idealism, theology, all supports of the repressive society. Property's pillars. Reason which always homogenizes and reduces, represses and unifies phenomena or actuality into what can be perceived and so controlled. The subjects, us, are now stable and socializable. Reason is always in the service of the political and economic masters. It is here that literature strikes, at this base, where the concepts and actings of order impose themselves. '''Literature is that which denounces and slashes apart the repressing machine at the level of the signified.''' ** ''Empire of the Senseless'' (1988), Elegy for the World of the Fathers, Part I, Rape by the Father, p. 12 * '''You create identity, you're not given identity per se.''' What became more interesting to me wasn't the I, it was text because it's texts that create the identity. That's how I got interested in plagiarism. ** ''Hannibal Lecter, My Father'' (1991) * '''At a certain point I realized that the "I" doesn't exist.''' So I said to myself: If the "I" doesn't exist, I have to construct one, or maybe even more than one. ** Interview with Sylvere Lothringer (1991) * My nutritionist read my pathology report and said, "There's only one way you can beat your cancer." <br> "What's that?" <br> "You have to find out what caused it." ** ''The Gift of Disease'' (1996) * I had been confused why I had gotten cancer. Three weeks later, I saw the network of causation so clearly I wondered why I wasn't more disease-riddled. My healer reminded me that if health is based on forgiveness, then I had to forgive ... ** ''The Gift of Disease'' (1996) * '''Every book, remember, is dead until a reader activates it by reading. Every time that you read you are walking among the dead, and, if you are listening, you just might hear prophecies.''' [[w:Aeneas|Aeneas]] did. [[w:Odysseus|Odysseus]] did. Listen to Delany, a prophet. ** "On Delany the Magician", a foreword to ''Trouble on Triton'' (1996) by [[Samuel R. Delany]], and reprinted in Acker's collection ''Bodies of Work'' (1996) * We come crawling through these cracks, orphans, lobotomies; if you ask me what I want, I'll tell you. I want everything. Whole rotten world come down and break. Let me spread my legs. ** ''Pussy, King of the Pirates'' (1996) * We don't have a clue what it is to be male or female, or if there are intermediate genders. Male and female might be fields which overlap into androgyny or different kinds of sexual desires. But because we live in a Western, patriarchal world, we have very little chance of exploring these gender possibilities. ** As quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20040318235408/http://www.realworldmultimedia.com/legacy/eve/info/experts/k_acker.html "Eve Experts" at ''Real World Multimedia'' (2004)] * '''"Why are they ashamed and miserable?"<br/>"They're repenting they're white.''' Any thinking human does it. Don't you read your own history books? So if you attack those miserable moderns or modernist, knight, you'll be making a miserable historical mistake. You will be preventing whites from hating their own whiteness."<br/>Don Quixote finally refused the dogs' attack on her attack: "Liberalism has never stopped me from doing anything", said the knight. ** ''Don Quixote'' (1986) * Women need to become literary "criminals", break the literary laws and reinvent their own, because the established laws prevent women from presenting the reality of their lives. ** ''Bodies of Work'' (1996) === Kathy Acker: Where does she get off? === :<small>[http://www.altx.com/io/acker.html "Kathy Acker: Where does she get off?", interview by R.U. Sirius in ''io'' # 2 (9 December 1997)]</small> [[File:Anna Chromy Eternal Love.jpg|thumb| I didn't [[know]] the [[body]] is such a [[visionary]] factory. Basically we grew up not wanting to know that we had bodies.]] * The students who come to my class are very closely related to all the evil girls who are very interested in their [[bodies]] and [[sex]] and [[pleasure]]. I learn a lot from them about how to have pleasure and how cool the female body is. One of my students had a piercing through her labia. And she told me about how when you ride on a motorcycle, the little bead on the ring acts like a vibrator. Her story turned me on so I did it. I got two. It was very cool. <br> '''I'm very staid compared to my students, actually. I come from a generation where you've got the [[Political correctness|PC]] dykes and confused heterosexuals. No one ever told me that you could walk around with a strap-on, having orgasms. * '''I think [[writing]] is basically about [[time]] and rhythm. Like with [[jazz]]. You have your basic melody and then you just riff off of it.''' And the riffs are about timing. And about sex. <br />''' Writing for me is about my [[freedom]].''' When I was a kid, my parents were like monsters to me, and the world extended from them. They were horrible. And I was this good little girl — I didn't have the guts to oppose them. They told me what to do and how to be. So the only time I could have any freedom or [[joy]] was when I was alone in my room. '''Writing is what I did when I was alone with no one watching me or telling me what to do. I could do whatever I wanted. So writing was really associated with body pleasure — it was the same thing. It was like the only thing I had.''' * '''KA''': I've been going to this [[w:Rolfing|rolfer]]. I don't know why I'm doing it. It's like: "You will get rid of all your childhood traumas if you only go through this pain." Fuck childhood. People always say you do all these things because of your childhood. I'm sorry, but what really gets me off is the idea that you can just travel, and traveling is just like having an endless orgasm. You just go and go and go. <br />'''RUS''': In that state, you lose your individual identity — and therefore your childhood. But the rolfer is trying to drag you back into accepting your singular identity. <br /> '''KA''': Yeah. '''He's telling me, "Your agenda is ..." and I'm saying, "My agenda? I don't have an agenda and I'm not sure who I am. Who am I?" ''' He keeps on saying, "You know what you want." And I say, "'''I don't know what I want.'''" <br />'''RUS''': If he succeeds in dragging you into a singular "I," that's the death of Kathy Acker the writer. <br /> '''KA''': Yeah, it sure is. But I don't think he'll succeed. He doesn't have a fuckin' chance. I'm just trying to fuck him. If he won't fuck, we're not going anywhere. He can't make me into this singular "I." I told him, "You gotta consider the pleasure principle — namely my pleasure." He didn't like that.<br />'''RUS''': I always say, divide the word "therapist" between the "e" and the "r."<br />'''KA''': Yeah. The rapist. Because '''they're taking all your childhood wonderment and reducing it to childhood trauma.''' He gives me these long lectures about how he's not enlightened and he wants to be an animal. Can you imagine long lectures about wanting to be an animal? What a fuckin' bozo! <br />'''RUS''': When I was in college, all of the poetry teachers worshipped [[w:Robert Bly|Robert Bly]], so I had my fill of that shit. <br /> '''KA''': I told him about my piercings and he said, "Oh, you're a ''wild woman''." Then I asked him if he wanted to see my piercings. He wouldn't do it. * A friend told me that there are these clean and sober dykes that have piercings every couple months just to get high. It's about learning about my body. I didn't know my body could do this. It's not exactly pleasure. '''It's more like [[visions|vision]]. I didn't know the body is such a visionary factory. <br /> Basically we grew up not wanting to know that we had bodies.''' And it's not as if these piercings are in that deep — it's just on the surface. '''So if that little thing can do so much, who knows what else we can experience?''' * [[Georges Bataille|Bataille]] is associated with the [[surrealists]]. Basically the idea is that [[democracy]] doesn't work. [[Communism]] doesn't work. '''All these fucking models aren't working.''' We've got to find some new models — a model of what [[society]] should look like. <br /> We don't know what [[humans]] are like. And the ground is not [[economics]]; it's not like people do everything they do for economic reasons. You've got to look at the [[imagination]]; you've got to look at sex. We have no way of describing these things using the language we have. So a group was formed around Bataille to try to figure out what it means to be human — what society should look like. <br /> Humans have to live in a society — they can't just survive as individuals. That's not a viable condition. '''You know, everyone's always talking about trauma and pain and how this society isn't working, that we shouldn't have [[racism]] and sexism, but we never talk in positive terms — like what would [[joy]] be, what it would be like to have a totally great existence.''' Bataille and his followers looked for models for people to have totally great existences. … Well, they looked at tribal models and how they dealt with sexual stuff and sacrifice and property — '''the joys that aren't based on economic accumulation and the workaday world, but based on giving it all up — not having that specific, controlling, imprisoning "I."''' He wasn't a [[Freudian]]. He was much more interested in the tribal model where everything is on the surface and you deal with sexual stuff the same way you deal with economic stuff and social stuff. <!-- He was a very proper person, a librarian. Bataille's main enemy was [[Jean Paul Sartre]] — Bataille wasn't an upper-class intellectual and he took a lot of pressure because of that. Sartre wrote this really horrible article about Bataille and sort of kept his work from getting recognized. --> * I'm starting to worry about self-censorship — that I might be internalizing some shit. I might be writing what people expect me to write, writing from that place where I might be ruled by economic considerations. To overcome that, '''I started working with my [[dreams]], because I'm not so censored when I use dream material.''' And I'm working at trying to find a kind of language where I won't be so easily modulated by expectation. I'm looking for what might be called a body language. One thing I do is stick a vibrator up my cunt and start writing — writing from the point of orgasm and losing control of the language and seeing what that's like. ==[[w:Blood and Guts in High School|Blood and Guts in High School]] (1978)== * '''For 2.000 years, you've had the nerve to tell [[women]] who we are.''' We use your words; we eat your food. Every way we get money has to be a crime. We are plagiarists, liars and criminals. * '''I am as closed-up and fucked-up as everybody else. I am hell.''' The world is hell. "No, it isn't", I scream, but I know it is. Hell. Hell. Hell. Hell. Help. Help me. Help me. Love me. * '''Teach me how to talk to you. WANT.''' Is my wanting you so bad, wanting your cock so bad, wanting the feel of your lips on my lips just me being selfish and egoistic? Teach me a new language. *Love goes away when your mind goes away and then you're someone else. *Heart disease syphilis pregnancy<br /> All you creeps on the street get away from me *IF THERE IS A GOD, GOD IS DISJUNCTION AND MADNESS. *All the people around Hester hate her and despise her and think she's a total freak. The kid's beyond human law and human consideration. How do you feel about yourself when every human being you hear and see and smell every day of your being thinks you're worse than garbage? Your conception of who you are has always, at least partially, depended on how the people around you behaved towards you... You don't know. How can you know anything? How can you know anything? You begin to go crazy. *Every day a sharp tool, a powerful destroyer, is necessary to cut away dullness, lobotomy, buzzing, belief in human beings, stagnancy, images, and accumulation. As soon as we stop believing in human beings, rather know we are dogs and trees, we'll start to be happy. *Let me put it another way. Most people are what they sense and if all you see day after day is a mat on a floor that belongs to the rats and four walls with tiny piles of plaster at the bottom, and all you eat is starch, and all you hear is continuous music, you smell garbage and piss which drips through the walls continually, and all the people you know live like you, it's not horrible, it's just... ''Who they are.'' == Quotes about Acker == [[File:Anna Chromy To Be Or Not To Be.jpg|thumb|There’s [[nothing]] that [[woman]] can’t turn into a [[literary]] reference. ~ [[Alan Moore]] ]] * Acker gives her work the power to mirror the reader's soul. ** [[William S. Burroughs]] * '''I got an e-mail from somebody one day saying, “I understand you’re a friend of Kathy Acker’s. She’s currently dying in a hospital in Mexico.” '''<br /> I immediately e-mailed the UK and said, “She’s dying in a hospital in Mexico,” and a mutual friend of mine and Charlie’s, a guy named Igor, said, “She’s not dying, she’s just got flu, I checked around. She’s in San Francisco with flu, she’s just being a drama queen.” So I wrote back to the guy who said she’s dying and said I’m told she’s the flu in San Francisco, and they wrote back, “'''She’s really dying.'''” <br /> I phoned her in the hospital in Mexico. We chatted a while. She was very weak. It was good. This week has been a particularly rough one on me because my friend [[w:John M. Ford|John M. Ford]] the writer died completely unexpectedly. And it’s everybody who knew him and loved him is completely devastated, and one reason we’re devastated is he was sending us e-mails the day before and his heart went or his kidneys went in the night and he was gone. With Kathy I never had that. '''I’ve always missed her, but I got to phone up and say good-bye.''' That was good. That sort of somehow made it copable. '''Then she was gone, and she died in [[w: Ministries_of_Nineteen_Eighty-Four#Room_101|room 101]]. As [[Alan Moore]] said, “There’s nothing that woman can’t turn into a literary reference.” ''' ** [[Neil Gaiman]], in [http://www.bookslut.com/features/2006_10_010057.php "An Interview With Neil Gaiman" in ''Bookslut'' (October 2001)] * '''She calls herself Acker.''' And Acker is this person I hang with sometimes. What's cool is that we can talk about anything and nobody gets uptight (though she does decide that I'm a sexist pig sometimes). '''Some have called her the next generation's [[William S. Burroughs|Burroughs]].''' ** R.U. Sirius, in [http://www.altx.com/io/acker.html "Kathy Acker: Where does she get off?" ''io'' # 2 (9 December 1997)] == External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://bombsite.com/issues/6/articles/307 "Kathy Acker" interview by Mark Magill, ''BOMB'' 6 (Summer 1983)] * [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axUc6Tt6SVQ Kathy Acker interviews William S. Burroughs at the October Gallery, London (1988) Part 1] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sp2tsvgclw4 Part 2] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4BE28nlTyo Part 3] * [http://www.dalkeyarchive.com/a-conversation-with-kathy-acker-by-ellen-g-friedman/ A conversation with Kathy Acker by Ellen G. Friedman, in ''The Review of Contemporary Fiction'' (Fall 1989), Volume 9.3] * [http://www.3ammagazine.com/3am/all-together-now/ Acker interview with the Spice Girls, originally in ''The Guardian'' (3 May 1997)] * [http://www.altx.com/io/acker.html Interview in ''io magazine: the digital magazine of literary culture'' #2 (December 1997)] * [http://www.wmm.com/filmcatalog/pages/c751.shtml ''Who's Afraid of Kathy Acker?'' (2008) A documentary by Barbara Caspar, at ''Women Make Movies''] * [http://www.closeupfilmcentre.com/vertigo_magazine/volume-4-issue-3-summer-2009/writing-as-magic-in-london-in-its-summer/ "Writing as Magic in London in Its Summer: Iain Sinclair and the Crafting of Place" by Kathy Acker, in ''Vertigo'' Vol. 4, Issue 3 (Summer 2009)] * [http://ubu.com/sound/acker.html Kathy Acker recordings at UbuWeb Sound] * [http://writing.upenn.edu/pennsound/x/Acker.php Kathy Acker recordings at PennSound] * [http://library.duke.edu/rubenstein/findingaids/acker/ "Kathy Acker Papers, 1972–1997 and undated", at Duke University] {{DEFAULTSORT:Acker, Kathy}} [[Category:Playwrights from the United States]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:1947 births]] [[Category:1997 deaths]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Poets from New York City]] [[Category:Postmodern authors]] [[Category:20th-century poets from the United States]] [[Category:Novelists from New York City]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] {{Authority control}} l3efwhyxfav4j1k9afdwzc4ltf578y0 0 17635 3944479 3869217 2026-05-23T13:47:12Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944479 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Allison, Dorothy.jpg|thumb|Dorothy Allison in 2011]] '''[[w:Dorothy Allison|Dorothy Allison]]''' ([[April 11]], [[1949]] – [[November 6]], [[2024]]) was an [[United States|American]] [[w:Lesbian literature|lesbian writer]], speaker, and member of the [[w:Fellowship of Southern Writers|Fellowship of Southern Writers]]. She was raised in [[w:Greenville, South Carolina|Greenville, South Carolina]]. She was legally [[w:Blindness|blind]] in her right eye. Her mother soon married and when Dorothy was 5, her step-father started sexually abusing her. This continued until she managed to tell a relative. Dorothy's mother quickly found out and stopped the abuse but managed to keep the family together. == Quotes == * I do not write about nice people. I am not nice people. Neither is anyone I have ever cared deeply about. ** ''Skin: Talking About Sex, Class And Literature'' * I want to write a great book — I want to make a difference — '''I want to have adventures and take enormous risks and be everything they say we are and not give a damn what anyone says.''' ** Foreword to ''My Dangerous Desire: A Queer Girl Dreaming Her Way Home'' by [[w:Amber L. Hollibaugh|Amber L. Hollibaugh]], pg. xii. ==External link== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Allison, Dorothy}} [[Category:1949 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Orators from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:Novelists from the United States]] [[Category:20th-century poets from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Poets from South Carolina]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] {{author-stub}} 111je6rzgkdpyqeptf7hnde5qs3zn29 0 23762 3944480 3908184 2026-05-23T13:47:16Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944480 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sandra Bernhard cropped.JPG|thumb|Sandra Bernhard in 2008]] '''[[w:Sandra Bernhard|Sandra Bernhard]]''' (born [[6 June]] [[1955]] in Flint, Michigan) is an American actress and comedian. {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world. ** From her one-woman show "Without You I'm Nothing" * [[Love]] is the only shocking act left on the face of the earth. ** First line from her autobiography, ''Love, Love and Love'' (June 1993) * Madonna's got one big choice. Take a couple of years off and become a human being. ** As quoted in ''The Sunday Times'' (September 12, 1993) * The thing about {{w|Kaballah}}, the thing about spirituality is that it's your responsibility as a spiritual person to be [[honest]]. Sometimes being honest is calling somebody on their bullshit and not standing there and being passive and letting somebody self-destruct. Being spiritual doesn't mean going, `Aw, honey, aw, poor baby' . That's not being spiritual. When somebody needs a kick in the pants, you say get your shit together, asshole. If that's what the situation requires, then that's being spiritual. If laying back and saying nothing is appropriate, that's being spiritual. It's really being completely conscious of each situation, whether it's friendships, whether it's with the world. Since I'm a performer, I have a bigger responsibility to be honest for each situation. It's not in any way counter to my spirituality, au contraire. ** As quoted in "Off Center... Sandra Bernhard Returns with Another Edgy Mix of Culture, Comedy, Fashion and Rock 'n' Roll" by Scott Mervis, ''Pittsburgh Post-Gazette'' (April 20, 2001), p. 25 * On one side you have book burners, Congressional wives and [[Pat Robertson]]. On the other side, you have vulgar comedians, foul-mouthed rap groups and {{w|Dennis Hopper}} — all your choices should be so easy. ** As quoted in "The Joke's on U.S.: American Women Standing Up to be Counted" by Barry Didcock, ''Glasgow Sunday Herald'' (June 29, 2008), p. 18 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.sandrabernhard.com/ Official website] * {{imdb name|id=0000928|name=Sandra Bernhard}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bernhard, Sandra}} [[Category:Actresses from Michigan]] [[Category:Stand-up comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish American actresses]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:1955 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] qa3dhjpkh7b7mjqwoqva9p1h3jo4f09 0 26809 3944663 3943744 2026-05-24T00:05:57Z Kalki 71 3944663 wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="21" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color:#CFE5FF;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122); font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:May 21|May 21]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2004 : The road to wisdom? — Well, it's plain and simple to express: Err and err and err again but less and less and less. ~ [[Piet Hein]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : May the Force be with you. ~ Jedi saying; used in all ''[[Star Wars]]'' episodes. :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] (recent release of ''[[Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'', the last of the "prequel trilogy" of ''[[Star Wars]]'') ; 2006 : A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. ~ [[Alexander Pope]] (born 21 May 1688) :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2007 : Life — a culmination of the past, an awareness of the present, an indication of a future beyond knowledge, the quality that gives a touch of divinity to matter. ~ [[Charles Lindbergh]] (80th anniversary of his solo flight across the Atlantic.) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:20, 19 May 2007 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:37, 20 May 2007 (UTC) --> ; 2008 : ''The flying Rumours gather'd as they roll'd,<br>Scarce any Tale was sooner heard than told;<br>And all who told it, added something new,<br>And all who heard it, made Enlargements too,<br>In ev'ry Ear it spread, on ev'ry Tongue it grew.''<br> ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:20, 19 May 2007 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:37, 20 May 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:31, 23 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : ''Some Figures monstrous and mis-shap'd appear,<br> Consider'd singly, or beheld too near,<br> Which, but proportion'd to their Light, or Place,<br> Due Distance reconciles to Form and Grace.<br> A prudent Chief not always must display<br> His Pow'rs in equal Ranks, and fair Array,<br> But with th' Occasion and the Place comply,<br> Conceal his Force, nay seem sometimes to Fly.<br> Those oft are Stratagems which Errors seem,<br> Nor is it Homer Nods, but We that Dream.''<br> ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:43, 16 May 2009 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:20, 19 May 2007 (UTC)</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:37, 20 May 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:31, 23 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2010 : ''All seems Infected that th' Infected spy,<br>As all looks yellow to the Jaundic'd Eye.''<br> ~ [[Alexander Pope]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:16, 30 April 2010 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:20, 19 May 2007 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:37, 20 May 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:31, 23 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. ~ [[Alexander Pope]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 19:26, 15 May 2011 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 23:23, 1 April 2011 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2012 ; {{quote of the day | quote = ''[[Trust]] not your [[self]]; but your [[Faults|Defects]] to know,<br>Make use of ev'ry [[Friend]] — and ev'ry [[Enemy|Foe]].'' | author = Alexander Pope }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:20, 19 May 2007 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:37, 20 May 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:31, 23 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote = ''[[Nature]] and Nature's [[laws]] lay hid in [[night]]: <br> [[God]] said, "Let [[Issac Newton|Newton]] be!" and [[all]] was [[light]].'' | author = Alexander Pope }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:45, 17 May 2013 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 23:23, 1 April 2011 (UTC)</s>--> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = The [[environment]] of [[human]] [[life]] has changed more rapidly and more extensively in recent years than it has ever changed before. When environment changes, there must be a corresponding [[change]] in life. That change must be so [[great]] that it is not likely to be completed in a decade or in a generation. | author = Charles Lindbergh }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 11:23, 20 May 2014 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 20:20, 19 May 2007 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. </s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 21:37, 20 May 2007 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:31, 23 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = I have come to [[believe]] … that [[Theatre|the stage]] may do more than [[teach]], that much of our current [[moral]] instruction will not [[endure]] the [[test]] of being cast into a lifelike mold, and when presented in dramatic form will [[reveal]] itself as platitudinous and effete. That which may have sounded like [[righteous]] teaching when it was remote and wordy, will be challenged afresh when it is [[obliged]] to simulate [[life]] itself. | author = Jane Addams }} :* proposed by [[User:Bystander53|bystander]]<!-- * 3 [[User:Bystander53|bystander]] ([[User talk:Bystander53|talk]]) 04:59, 21 May 2012 (UTC) * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 10:16, 17 May 2013 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Some [[people]] will never [[learn]] anything, for this [[reason]], because they [[understand]] everything too soon. | author = Alexander Pope }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:17, 20 May 2016 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 23:23, 1 April 2011 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> In the [[United States of America]], [[satire]] is [[Freedom of Speech|protected speech]], even if the object of the satire doesn’t get it. | author = Al Franken }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:52, 20 May 2017 (UTC) --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> He who tells a [[lie]], is not sensible how great a [[task]] he undertakes; for he must be forced to [[invent]] twenty more to maintain that one. | author = Alexander Pope }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:56, 20 May 2018 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 23:23, 1 April 2011 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Some old men, by continually [[praising]] the [[time]] of their [[youth]], would almost [[persuade]] us that there were no [[fools]] in those days; but unluckily they are left [[themselves]] for [[examples]]. | author = Alexander Pope }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:57, 20 May 2019 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 23:23, 1 April 2011 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> ''[[Teach]] me to [[feel]] another's [[woe]], <br /> To right the fault I see; <br /> That [[mercy]] I to others show, <br /> That mercy show to me.'' | author = Alexander Pope }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:00, 21 May 2020 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 23:23, 1 April 2011 (UTC) </s> * 3 [[User:Dibbydib|<span style="color:#0ea900">'''dibbydib'''</span>]]^{'''⌐■_■'''} <span style="color:blue">([[User talk:Dibbydib|<span style="color:blue">barate me</span>]])</span> 00:26, 19 May 2020 (UTC) --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> What after all, has maintained the [[human]] race on this old globe despite all the calamities of [[nature]] and all the tragic failings of [[mankind]], if not [[faith]] in new possibilities, and [[courage]] to advocate them. | author = Jane Addams }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:05, 21 May 2021 (UTC) --> ; 2022 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> In his own way each man [[must]] struggle, lest the [[moral]] [[law]] become a far-off [[abstraction]] utterly separated from his active [[life]]. | author = Jane Addams }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:26, 21 May 2022 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:05, 21 May 2021 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2023 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> We fatuously [[hoped]] that we might pluck from the [[human]] [[tragedy]] itself a [[consciousness]] of a [[common]] [[destiny]] which should bring its own [[healing]], that we might extract from [[life]]’s very [[misfortunes]] a [[power]] of [[cooperation]] which should be effective against them. | author = Jane Addams }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:15, 21 May 2023 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:05, 21 May 2021 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2024 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> What do we [[Meaning|mean]] when we say that first of all we seek [[liberty]]? I often wonder whether we do not rest our [[hopes]] too much upon [[constitutions]], upon [[laws]] and upon [[courts]]. These are [[false]] hopes; believe me, these are false hopes. Liberty lies in the [[hearts]] of [[men]] and [[women]]; when it dies there, no constitution, no law, no court can save it; no constitution, no law, no court can even do much to [[help]] it. ... It is not the ruthless, the unbridled [[will]]; it is not the [[freedom]] to do as one likes. That is the denial of liberty and leads straight to its overthrow. A [[society]] in which men recognize no check on their freedom soon becomes a society where freedom is the possession of only a savage few. | author = Learned Hand }} :* proposed by [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]]<!-- What do we mean when we say that first of all we seek liberty? I often wonder whether we do not rest our hopes too much upon constitutions, upon laws and upon courts. These are false hopes; believe me, these are false hopes. Liberty ... is not the ruthless, the unbridled will; it is not the freedom to do as one likes. That is the denial of liberty and leads straight to its overthrow. A society in which men recognize no check on their freedom soon becomes a society where freedom is the possession of only a savage few. ~ [[Learned Hand]], in a speech given May 21, 1944. * 3 [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:57, 16 January 2024 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 10:00, 3 May 2024 (UTC) * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:52, 20 May 2024 (UTC); but extended slightly for context. ---- --> ; 2025 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> ''Oh, [[happiness]]! Our being’s end and aim! <br /> [[Good]], [[pleasure]], ease, [[content]]! whate’er thy [[name]]: <br /> That something still which prompts the eternal sigh, <br /> For which we bear to [[live]], or dare to [[die]], <br /> Which still so near us, yet beyond us lies, <br /> O’erlooked, seen double, by the [[fool]], and [[wise]]. <br /> Plant of celestial seed! if dropped below, <br /> Say, in what mortal soil thou deign’st to [[grow]]? <br /> … <!-- Fair opening to some Court’s propitious shine, <br /> Or deep with diamonds in the flaming mine? <br /> Twined with the wreaths Parnassian laurels yield, <br /> Or reaped in iron harvests of the field?  --> <br /> Where grows? — where grows it not? If [[vain]] our [[toil]], <br /> We ought to blame the culture, not the soil: <br /> Fixed to no spot is happiness sincere, <br /> ’Tis nowhere to be found, or everywhere; <br /> ’Tis never to be bought, but always free, <br /> And fled from [[monarchs]], [[John the Baptist|St. John]]! dwells with thee.'' | author = [[Alexander Pope]] ~<br /> in <br />~ ''[[An Essay on Man]]'' }} :* proposed by [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]]<!-- O happiness! our being's end and aim! ~ [[Alexander Pope]] * 3 [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 22:39, 28 July 2015 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Dibbydib|<span style="color:#0ea900">'''dibbydib'''</span>]]^{'''⌐■_■'''} <span style="color:blue">([[User talk:Dibbydib|<span style="color:blue">barate me</span>]])</span> 00:26, 19 May 2020 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:58, 20 May 2025 (UTC) but extended for context. --> ; 2026 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->In a [[free society]] a large degree of [[human]] [[activity]] is none of the [[government]]'s business. We should make [[criminal]] what's going to [[hurt]] other [[people]] and other than that we should leave it to people to make their own [[choices]]. | author = Barney Frank }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:51, 20 May 2026 (UTC)-->; in regard of his recent death. ; 2027 : ''[[May 21|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> {{QOTD Ranking}} ---- ---- == Suggestions == I've said that net neutrality is the most important free speech issue of our time. It's true. If Republicans have their way, large corporations won't just have the loudest voices in the room. They'll be able to effectively silence everyone else. Every small business they'd prefer not to compete with. Every blogger who publishes something they don't like. We have to stop them. ~ [[Al Franken]] (date of birth) * 3 [[User:Bystander53|bystander]] ([[User talk:Bystander53|talk]]) 04:59, 21 May 2012 (UTC) * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 10:16, 17 May 2013 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. * 3 [[User:Dibbydib|<span style="color:#0ea900">'''dibbydib'''</span>]]^{'''⌐■_■'''} <span style="color:blue">([[User talk:Dibbydib|<span style="color:blue">barate me</span>]])</span> 00:26, 19 May 2020 (UTC) ---- <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> smv8nvzwd7rr234n5a0tmryxusjkxa7 0 27032 3944657 3751860 2026-05-23T23:53:46Z Kalki 71 update 3944657 wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="24" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color:#CFE5FF;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122); font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:May 24|May 24]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2004 : The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves. ~ [[Carl Jung]] :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2005 : I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom. ~ [[Bob Dylan]] (born 24 May 1941) :* selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : Every failure is a step to success. ~ [[William Whewell]] (born 24 May 1794) :* proposed by [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ; 2007 : Freedom of expression is the matrix, the indispensable condition, of nearly every other form of freedom. ~ [[Benjamin N. Cardozo]] (born 24 May 1870) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:04, 24 May 2006 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Herbythyme|<span style="color:green">Herby</span>]] <b>^{<small><span style="color:#90F">[[User talk:Herbythyme|talk thyme]]</span></small>}</b> 13:54, 18 May 2007 (UTC) --> ; 2008 : Every failure is a step to success. Every detection of what is false directs us towards what is true: every trial exhausts some tempting form of error. ~ [[William Whewell]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] (proposed and chosen without recognition that part of it had been used in 2006) <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 0 because this was used in 2006. However, I give the quote a 2. Although, it would be preferable not to use the same quotes over again. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:08, 24 May 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : ''How many roads must a man walk down <br> Before you call him a man? <br> Yes, 'n' how many seas must a white dove sail <br> Before she sleeps in the sand? <br> Yes, 'n' how many times must the cannon balls fly <br> Before they're forever banned? <br> The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, <br> The answer is blowin' in the wind.'' <br>~ [[Bob Dylan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:52, 16 May 2009 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC)</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:08, 24 May 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2010 : ''How many times must a man look up <br> Before he can see the sky? <br> Yes, 'n' how many ears must one man have <br> Before he can hear people cry? <br> Yes, 'n' how many deaths will it take till he knows <br> That too many people have died? <br> The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, <br> The answer is blowin' in the wind.'' <br>~ [[Bob Dylan]] ~ :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:08, 24 May 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2011 : Magic words and incantations are as fatal to our science as they are to any other. Methods, when classified and separated, acquire their true bearing and perspective as a means to an end, not as ends in themselves. We seek to find peace of mind in the word, the formula, the ritual. The hope is illusion. ~ [[Benjamin N. Cardozo]] :* proposed by [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] <!-- * 3 because the hope alone will not solve the puzzle, the enigma. In order to find the pathway within the labyrinth of formula, one must first understand how magic has never been a solid status of word or ritual. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:34, 29 April 2008 (UTC) * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 21:32, 15 May 2011 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = [[Life]] consists not [[Simplicity|simply]] in what [[Past|heredity]] and [[environment]] do to us but in what [[Humanity|we]] make out of what they do to us. | author = Harry Emerson Fosdick }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 12:12, 20 May 2012 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote = [[Peace]] is an [[awareness]] of reserves from beyond [[ourselves]], so that our [[power]] is not so much in us as through us. Peace is the [[gift]], not of volitional struggle, but of [[spiritual]] [[hospitality]]. | author = [[Harry Emerson Fosdick]] }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "color:white;background:silver">?[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|?]][[User:Kalki/Magic|?]]?[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|?]]?[[User:Kalki/Chronology|?]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|?]]?</span> 00:50, 22 May 2013 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC) </s> --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = The [[fact]] that [[astronomies]] [[change]] while the [[stars]] abide is a true [[analogy]] of every realm of [[human]] [[life]] and [[thought]], [[religion]] not least of [[all]]. No existent [[theology]] can be a final formulation of [[spiritual]] [[truth]]. | author = Harry Emerson Fosdick }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 19:41, 23 May 2014 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = ''[[God]] of [[grace]] and God of [[glory]], <br> On Thy [[people]] pour Thy [[power]]. <br> Crown Thine ancient [[church]]’s [[story]], <br> Bring her bud to glorious [[flower]]. <br> Grant us [[wisdom]], grant us [[courage]], <br> For the facing of this [[hour]], <br> For the facing of this hour.'' | author = Harry Emerson Fosdick }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:44, 23 May 2015 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Our course of advance ... is neither a straight line nor a curve. It is a series of dots and dashes. [[Progress]] comes ''[[w:per saltum|per saltum]]'', by successive [[compromises]] between extremes, compromises often … between "[[w:Legal positivism|positivism]] and [[idealism]]". The [[notion]] that a [[jurist]] can dispense with any [[consideration]] as to what the [[law]] ought to be arises from the [[fiction]] that the law is a [[complete]] and closed [[system]], and that [[judges]] and jurists are mere [[automata]] to record its will or phonographs to pronounce its provisions. | author = Benjamin N. Cardozo }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- Our course of advance... is neither a straight line nor a curve. It is a series of dots and dashes. ~ [[Benjamin N. Cardozo]] (date of birth) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 19:54, 23 May 2016 (UTC)<s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 00:04, 24 May 2006 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> But would now extend this to read: :: Our course of advance ... is neither a straight line nor a curve. It is a series of dots and dashes. Progress comes ''[[w:per saltum|per saltum]]'', by successive compromises between extremes, compromises often between "positivism and idealism. The notion that a jurist can dispense with any consideration as to what the law ought to be arises from the fiction that the law is a complete and closed system, and that judges and jurists are mere automata to record its will or phonographs to pronounce its provisions. * 3 [[User:Herbythyme|<span style="color:green">Herby</span>]] <b>^{<small><span style="color:#90F">[[User talk:Herbythyme|talk thyme]]</span></small>}</b> 13:54, 18 May 2007 (UTC) * 2 because life is filled with difficulties, it is never simplistic and the comparison is well seen here. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:34, 23 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:HarshitK.997|HarshitK.997]] ([[User talk:HarshitK.997|talk]]) 04:11, 20 May 2016 (UTC) --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> No [[life]] ever grows [[great]] until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined. One of the widest gaps in [[human]] [[experience]] is the gap between what we say we want to be and our willingness to discipline ourselves to get there. | author = Harry Emerson Fosdick }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- One of the widest gaps in human experience is the gap between what we say we want to be and our willingness to discipline ourselves to get there. ~ [[Harry Emerson Fosdick]] * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:49, 23 May 2017 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC)</s> but would now extend this to read: :: No life ever grows great until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined. One of the widest gaps in human experience is the gap between what we say we want to be and our willingness to discipline ourselves to get there. --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> There is [[truth]] and then again there is truth. For all that the [[world]] is full of [[people]] who go around [[believing]] they've got you or your neighbor figured out, there really is no bottom to what is not [[known]]. The truth about us is [[endless]]. As are the [[lies]]. | author = Philip Roth }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:57, 23 May 2018 (UTC) in regard to his recent death. --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Self-pity]] gets you nowhere. One must have the adventurous [[daring]] to [[Acceptance|accept]] [[Self|oneself]] as a bundle of [[Possibility|possibilities]] and undertake the most interesting [[game]] in the [[world]] — making the most of one's best. | author = Harry Emerson Fosdick }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:23, 23 May 2019 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC) </s> * 2 [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y.]][[User talk:Just A Regular New Yorker|🗣]] 01:07, 23 May 2018 (UTC) --> ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> ''Come gather 'round [[people]] <br /> Wherever you roam <br /> And admit that the [[waters]] <br /> Around you have grown. <br /> And [[accept]] it that soon <br /> You'll be drenched to the bone. <br /> If your [[time]] to you is worth savin' <br /> Then you better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a [[stone]] <br /> For the times they are [[Change|a-changin']].'' | author = Bob Dylan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:53, 23 May 2020 (UTC) --> ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> ''I'm going to [[Mercy|spare the defeated]], I'm going to [[speak]] to the crowd <br /> I'm going to spare the defeated, I'm going to speak to the crowd <br /> I'm going to [[teach]] [[peace]] to the conquered, I'm going to tame the proud.'' | author = Bob Dylan }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:58, 23 May 2021 (UTC) --> ; 2022 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Every [[failure]] is a step to [[success]]. Every detection of what is [[false]] directs us towards what is [[true]]: every [[trial]] exhausts some tempting form of [[error]]. Not only so; but scarcely any attempt is entirely a failure; scarcely any [[theory]], the result of steady [[thought]], is altogether false; no tempting form of Error is without some latent [[charm]] derived from Truth. | author = William Whewell }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:08, 23 May 2022 (UTC) --> ; 2023 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> I renounce [[war]] for its [[consequences]], for the [[lies]] it lives on and propagates, for the undying [[hatred]] it arouses, for the [[dictatorships]] it puts in place of [[democracy]], for the [[starvation]] that stalks after it. I renounce war, and never again, directly or indirectly, will I sanction or support another. | author = Harry Emerson Fosdick }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:34, 23 May 2023 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC)</s> * 1 [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y.]][[User talk:Just A Regular New Yorker|🗣]] 01:07, 23 May 2018 (UTC) --> ; 2024 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->We may [[try]] to [[see]] [[things]] as [[objectively]] as we please. None the less, we can never see them with any [[eyes]] except our own. | author = Benjamin N. Cardozo }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:44, 23 May 2024 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) </s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:08, 24 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 23:31, 12 January 2018 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y.]][[User talk:Just A Regular New Yorker|🗣]] 01:07, 23 May 2018 (UTC) --> ; 2025 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> He who [[chooses]] the [[beginning]] of a road chooses the place [[Results|it leads to]]. It is the means that [[determine]] the [[end]]. | author = Harry Emerson Fosdick }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:59, 23 May 2025 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC) </s> --> ; 2026 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->We cannot [[observe]] external [[things]] without some degree of [[Thought]]; nor can we reflect upon our Thoughts, without being [[influenced]] in the course of our [[reflection]] by the Things which we have observed. | author = William Whewell }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:08, 23 May 2022 (UTC) --> ---- ; 2027 : ''[[May 24|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' <noinclude> ---- '''Quotes by people born this day, already used as QOTD:''' ---- * Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. ~ [[Harry Emerson Fosdick]] ** used [[15 August]] 2003; selected by [[User:Nanobug|Nanobug]] * I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it. ~ [[Harry Emerson Fosdick]] ** used [[2 May]] 2004; selected by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ---- {{QOTD Ranking}} ---- ---- == Suggestions == Man is the interpreter of nature, science the right interpretation. ~ [[William Whewell]] (born May 24) * 3 because science is a deciphered truth, based on fact and fact alone. Misinterpretation has never played a role in the scientific defense, even when man has interpreted as such from nature itself. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:34, 29 April 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y.]][[User talk:Just A Regular New Yorker|🗣]] 01:07, 23 May 2018 (UTC) ---- If a nation does not want a monarchy, change the nation's mind. If a nation does not need a monarchy, change the nation's needs. ~ [[Jan Smuts]] (born May 24) * 3 because the needs and wants of man can be changed. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:33, 17 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y.]] 00:58, 23 May 2018 (UTC) ---- The emotional appeal of nature is tremendous, sometimes almost more than one can bear. ~ [[Jan Smuts]] (born May 24) * 2 because the effects of nature on one can be irreperable. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 05:33, 17 May 2008 (UTC) * 3 but would extend this to "The intimate rapport with nature is one of the most precious things in life. Nature is indeed very close to us; sometimes closer than hands and feet, of which in truth she is but the extension. The emotional appeal of nature is tremendous, sometimes almost more than one can bear." * 3 For the extended quotation. - [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y.]][[User talk:Just A Regular New Yorker|🗣]] 01:07, 23 May 2018 (UTC) ---- It is the army that finally makes a citizen of you; without it you still have a chance, however slim, to remain a human being. ~ [[Joseph Brodsky]] * 3 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:03, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) ---- The formula for prison is a lack of space counterbalanced by a surplus of time. ~ [[Joseph Brodsky]] * 4 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:03, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 16:52, 16 May 2009 (UTC) <s>* 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC)</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) ---- Five or six hundred [aristocratic] heads lopped off would have assured you repose and happiness; a false humanity has restrained your arm and suspended your blows; it will cost the lives of millions of your brothers. ~ [[Jean-Paul Marat]] * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:07, 22 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) ---- No force however great can stretch a cord however fine into an horizontal line which is accurately straight. ~ [[William Whewell]] * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:23, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 2 I remember seeing this quotation, beginning "Hence no force," etc., cited in ''The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'' as "an example of accidental rhyme and metre." In ''Bartlett's'' the quotation begins with "And so no force," etc. It might be better to restore the original phrasing, whichever it might be, so as to emphasize, by the cadence of the words, the serendipity of this rhymed-and-metered prose. - [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:31, 23 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 00:08, 24 May 2008 (UTC) * 1 [[User:Just A Regular New Yorker|J.A.R.N.Y.]][[User talk:Just A Regular New Yorker|🗣]] 01:07, 23 May 2018 (UTC) ---- Bitterness imprisons life; love releases it. Bitterness paralyzes life; love empowers it. Bitterness sours life; love sweetens it. Bitterness sickens life; love heals it. Bitterness blinds life; love anoints its eyes. ~ [[Harry Emerson Fosdick]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC) ---- Real Christians do not carry their religion, their religion carries them. It is not weight, it is wings. It lifts them up, it sees them over hard places. It makes the universe seem friendly, life purposeful, hope real, sacrifice worthwhile. It sets them free from fear, futility, discouragement, and sin — the great enslaver of men's souls. You can know a real Christian when you see him, by his buoyancy. ~ [[Harry Emerson Fosdick]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 09:26, 4 April 2010 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = In art, truth is a means to an end; in science, it is the only end. | author = William Whewell }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:08, 23 May 2022 (UTC), with a strong lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = It is a test of true theories not only to account for but to predict phenomena. | author = William Whewell }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:08, 23 May 2022 (UTC), with a strong lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = We unfold out of the Idea of Space the propositions of geometry, which are plainly truths of the most rigorous necessity and universality. But if the idea of space were merely collected from observation of the external world, it could never enable or entitle us to assert such propositions: it could never authorize us to say that not merely some lines, but all lines, not only have, but must have, those properties which geometry teaches. Geometry in every proposition speaks a language which experience never dares to utter; and indeed of which she but half comprehends the meaning. | author = William Whewell }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:08, 23 May 2022 (UTC), with a strong lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = According to the technical language of old writers, a thing and its qualities are described as subject and attributes; and thus a man’s faculties and acts are attributes of which he is the subject. The mind is the subject in which ideas inhere. Moreover, the man’s faculties and acts are employed upon external objects; and from objects all his sensations arise. Hence the part of a man’s knowledge which belongs to his own mind, is subjective: that which flows in upon him from the world external to him, is objective. | author = William Whewell }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:08, 23 May 2022 (UTC) ---- <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> tiluxcc9krwkirnzjcapszp0tyuuxz1 0 27328 3944456 3918050 2026-05-23T13:15:50Z ~2026-30814-60 3328067 /* Voice cast */ 3944456 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Antz-logo.svg|thumb|right]] '''''[[w:Antz|Antz]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998]] computer-animated film produced by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:DreamWorks Pictures|DreamWorks Pictures]], centering on a nonconformist worker ant who switches places with a soldier ant, in the process uncovering a plot to destroy the colony. :''Directed by [[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]] and [[w:Tim Johnson (film director)|Tim Johnson]]. Written by [[w:Paul Weitz (filmmaker)|Paul Weitz]], [[w:Chris Weitz|Chris Weitz]] and [[w:Todd Alcott|Todd Alcott]]. :''Music by [[Harry Gregson-Williams]] and [[w:John Powell (film composer)|John Powell]].'' {{center|'''See the world from a whole new perspective.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Others == * '''Weaver''': ''[to Z]'' Are you nuts?! You want me to switch places with you? Do you know how much trouble you can get into for even talkin' about impersonatin' a soldier? You can get in trouble just for ''listening'' to someone talkin' about impersonatin' a soldier! ''[Everyone who was listening in pretends to fall back asleep]'' * '''Barbatus''': ''[his last words to Z]'' Don't make my mistake, kid. Don't follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself. * '''Muffy''': Darling, they're poor, they're dirty, they're smelly. We have to help them. ''[to Z and Bala]'' If you just wait right here, we'll get you a little something. * '''Queen''': ''[to Mandible]'' General, we've been at peace with that colony for years. Why would they attack us? * '''Psychologist''': Excellent. You’ve made a real breakthrough. * '''Soldier Ants''': One. Two. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. * '''Worker Ants''': ''[chanting]'' We want Z! We want Z! * '''Chip''': ''[to Muffy]'' Ugh! Please, Muffy, not another crusade. * '''Grebs''': ''[to Z]'' There is a better place, Insectopia. * '''Princess Bala''': Labor? What do ''you'' know about labor? How would you feel if you were expected to give birth every ten seconds for the rest of your life? * '''Colonel Cutter''': Time stands still for no ant. == Dialogue == :''[first lines]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': All my life, I've lived and worked in the big city, which now that I think of it, is kind of a problem since I always feel uncomfortable around crowds. I mean it, I-I have this fear of enclosed spaces. I-I-I, everything makes me feel trapped all the time. You know, I always tell myself, there's gotta be something better out there, but maybe I think too much. I-I-I think everything must go back to the fact that I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're - when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. I mean, how's it possible? And I've always had these, these abandonment issues, which plagued me. My father was basically a drone like I've said, and, you know, the guy flew away when I was just a larva. And my job, don't get me started on, 'cause it really annoys me. I was not cut out to be a worker, I'll tell you right now. I-I-I feel physically inadequate. I, I, my whole life I've never, I've never been able to lift more than ten times my own body weight, And, and, when you get down to it, handling dirt is, you know, ew, is not my idea of a rewarding career. It's this whole gung-ho super-organism thing that, that, that I - you know, I can't get, I try but I don't get it. I mean, you know, I'm... What is it, I'm supposed to do everything for the colony, and, and what about my needs? What about me? I mean, I gotta believe there's someplace out there that's better than this! Otherwise, I'll just curl up in a larval position and weep! The whole system makes me feel... insignificant. :'''Psychologist''': ''[to Z]'' Excellent. You’ve made a real breakthrough. :'''Z Marion-4195''': I have? :'''Psychologist''': Yes, Z. You are insignificant. :'''Z Marion-4195''': I am? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the title card appears]'' :'''Man''': Ground floor. :'''Ant''': Uh, worker. Soldier. Worker. :'''Worker Ant''': Let's try it again. Firm grip. Swing hard. Back straight. Concentrate. Follow through. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Okay. I've got to keep a positive attitude. A good attitude, even though I'm utterly insignificant. ''[grabs an ax]'' I'm-I'm insignificant, um, but with attitude. :'''Azteca''': Oh, sorry, Z. I didn't see you. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Great, Azteca. It's working already. I'm so meaningless, I'm invisible. ''[he tries to get the ax out]'' :'''Azteca''': ''[laughing]'' Now, you're getting it. ''[takes the ax out]'' After all, it's not about you. It's about us, the team. It's about this. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Uh, a giant hole in the ground? :'''Foreman''': Okay, people. Are we feeling good? :'''All''': Yeah! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yeah. :'''Foreman''': Great! Now, R-1734 through Z-7829, you guys are on wrecking ball. :'''Azteca''': You got it. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Swell. You got it. :'''Worker Ant''': All right, swing time! Let's get physical! :'''Worker Ant''': I love this job! :'''Worker Ant''': Let's go! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Now, remember, Azteca, "Be the ball." That's the main thing. Now, remember that. You know, got to be one with the ball. :'''Azteca''': Would you cut it out already? Jeez. I love my work. And you, well... You think too much. Come on, Z. Help us build a bigger, better colony. And, for crying out loud, try to be happy about it. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Sure, you know. ''[nervous chuckle]'' I mean, how could I possibly be unhappy being a piece of construction equipment? :'''Foreman''': Okay, workers, remember. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Here it comes. :'''Foreman''': Be the ball. :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[groans]'' :'''Foreman''': Let the energy flow through you! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Grin and bear it. This is... This is for the colony. Ow! This is... This is just a lawsuit waiting to happen. :'''Worker Ant''': Hang on, here we go! :'''Worker Ant''': Faster! :'''Worker Ant''': Higher! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Did I happen to mention that heights make me nauseous? :'''Worker Ant''': No. :'''Worker Ant''': This is a ball! Hey! :'''Azteca''': Oh, Z. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yes. Yes. I understand. I dropped the ball. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Mandible''': ''[his first words]'' Workers. They're weak. They lack discipline. They lack commitment. :'''Foreman''': ''[he comes in]'' General, I know there's been a glitch or two. But everybody is working full tilt as it is, and- :'''General Mandible''': You can't help it, it's your nature. But in spite of your limitations, you are going to finish this tunnel on schedule. Come hell or high water. For now on, anyone who falls behind is going to have to explain themselves to Colonel Cutter. And let me assure you, the colonel is not as understanding as I am. Dismissed. Four more days, Cutter. Four more days. Then we can bid final farewell to their kind of incompetence. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Yes, sir. :'''General Mandible''': A fresh start. Imagine it! :'''Colonel Cutter''': A strong colony, sir. A colony we can be proud of. :'''General Mandible''': Yes, but we're not there yet. Cutter, we just got word that a termite army has mobilized against us. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Against us? :'''General Mandible''': We'll have to send troops deep into hostile territory to attack their colony. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Attack a termite colony, sir? That's suicide. :'''General Mandible''': Exactly. Do you have the list I asked for? :'''Colonel Cutter''': Yes, General. ''[takes the list to General]'' These are the units loyal to the queen. :'''General Mandible''': Hm. Then they're the ones we'll be sending. It's a shame. There's some fine officers here. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Don't we need the queen's approval to declare war? :'''General Mandible''': Our very next stop, Cutter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen''': General, we've been at peace with that colony for years. Why would they attack us? :'''General Mandible''': They want our land. They're desperate for more foraging territory. Perhaps they think we've grown soft or weak. :'''Queen''': Why don't we dispatch an ambassador, negotiate a new treaty? Certainly, we don't need to send soldiers. :'''General Mandible''': Believe me. Every ant in this colony is so precious to me. That's why we must strike now, when we have the element of surprise. If the termite shock troops enter our colony, well... :'''Queen''': Yes, General, I know what they can do to us. Very well. :'''General Mandible''': You've made a wise decision. In fact, you've insured the future of this colony. :'''Princess Bala''': Hello, General. :'''General Mandible''': Princess Bala. What a nice surprise. You look lovelier each time I see you. :'''Princess Bala''': Thanks. I hope you're not just here on business. :'''General Mandible''': Oh, of course... ''[chuckling]'' ...of course not. :'''Princess Bala''': Because, um, it might be nice if we had a conversation once before we get married. :'''General Mandible''': You're absolutely right. Cutter, schedule some private time for me and Princess Bala. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Uh, in fact, sir, there is time right now for a personal moment. We're a few seconds ahead of schedule. :'''General Mandible''': Excellent. Princess. :'''Princess Bala''': Well, a few seconds isn't much, but I guess if it's quality time. So, how was your day? Anything interesting happen? :'''General Mandible''': We declared war. :'''Princess Bala''': Declared war? Boy, talk about a rough day. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Sir, I hate to interrupt, but time stands still for no ant. :'''General Mandible''': Princess. :'''Princess Bala''': Mom, could you remind me, why am I marrying this guy? :'''Queen''': Bala, do we have to argue about this again? :'''Princess Bala''': We don't seem to have anything in common. The guy's a stiff. :'''Queen''': Yes, darling. I know the general may be a little gruff and somewhat overbearing at times, but I know that he cares about you. He's just not particulary good at showing it. But you should have seen how persistently he asked for your hand in marriage. :'''Princess Bala''': But why me? :'''Queen''': Because you're the one who has to continue my work. It's your place, dear. :'''Princess Bala''': What if they don't like my place? :'''Queen''': Everyone has their place, Bala, you, the soldiers, the workers. Now, it's not all that bad being princess, is it? Would you prefer to be carting dirt all day? :'''Princess Bala''': Mother, don't be so dramatic. At least, they seem to have some fun every now and then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bartender''': Two aphid beers. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Why'd I have to be born a worker? Soldiers get all the glory, plus you get to go out in the world. You meet interesting insects, you get to kill them. :'''Weaver''': Yeah. But you get to spend all day with those beautiful worker girls. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Weaver, they're career girls. They're obsessed with digging. ''[sighs]'' I don't think I'm ever gonna meet the right girl for me. :'''Weaver''': ''[to Z]'' Who said a girl for you? I was talking about a girl for me. Don't you want your aphid beer? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Call me crazy, but... ''[clears throat]'' I have a thing about drinking from the anus of another creature. Okay? :'''Weaver''': Suit yourself. Ah, me,? I'm cutting a lose. We got a royal inspection coming up. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Inspection, meaning you're gonna stand around like an idiot while a bunch of blue bloods smirk at you. I don't know how you put up with it, Weaver. :'''Weaver''': Z, I've known you for a long time. Right? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Definitely. You were born two seconds after me. :'''Weaver''': Yeah, and ever since we were little, I've been listening to you complain. What are you b*tching about? In case you haven't noticed, we ants are running the show! We're the lords of the earth! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Hey, don't talk to me about earth, okay? 'Cause I just spent all day hauling it around. ''[he sighs]'' There's just got to be a better place. :'''Grebs''': There is. I've been there. :'''Z Marion-4195''': I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? :'''Grebs''': There is a better place, Insectopia. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Oh, really. Lunatic at 3:00. :'''Grebs''': You can't understand until you go there and see it yourself. You can be your own ant there. The streets are paved with food. Nobody tellin' you what to do. No wars. No colony. I shoulda never left. :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, yeah. Fascinating. :'''Grebs''': We were on a long-range recon. I got cut off from my unit. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Nothing like post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete. :'''Grebs''': Then I saw it, Insectopia! :'''Worker Ant #1''': Hey! :'''Grebs''': You head towards the monolith. Ten clicks past the great canyons to the land of red and white. :'''Guard Ant #1''': ''[takes Grebs]'' Hey, gramps. You've had enough for one tonight. Come on. Before you get in trouble. :'''Grebs''': Head for the monolith. Listen to me! The monolith! :'''Weaver''': ''[chuckling]'' That guy's got a screw loose. :'''Grebs''': Cross the lake! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Insectopia. ''[he scoffs]'' Wouldn't it be great if it were that easy? :'''Weaver''': ''[chuckling]'' Yeah. Dream on, Z. :'''Grebs''': Cross the lake! Look for the land of red and white. :''[Bala sneaks into the bar with two handmaidens]'' :'''Princess Bala''': ''[excited]'' Wow...This is so...''gritty!'' :'''Handmaiden #1''': Ten minutes and we're out of here, right? I mean, this place is off limits. :'''Princess Bala''': Just blame it on me. Say it was all my idea. :'''Handmaiden #2''': It ''is'' all your idea! :'''Princess Bala''': ''[removes her crown]'' Besides, no one's gonna recognize us. Come on, girls, what do you say? Let's take a walk on the wild side. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Man''': ''[on loud speaker]'' Okay, everybody. 6:15. Time to dance. :'''Weaver''': ''[to Z]'' Time to cut a rug, Z. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Oh, no. That's okay. I'm gonna leave the rug just the way it is, Weaver. :'''Princess Bala''': ''[to her handmaidens]'' Step back, ladies. I'm gonna ask one of these workers to dance with me. :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[watching the other ants dance in unison]'' What a bunch of losers. Mindless zombies capitulating to an oppressive system- :'''Princess Bala''': Hi. Wanna dance? :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[upon turning to see her]'' Absolutely! :'''Princess Bala''': Follow me. :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[as they step onto the dance floor]'' So, how come I haven't seen you around here before? :'''Princess Bala''': Oh, I don't get out much. I, uh...I work over at the palace. :'''Z Marion-4195''': The palace, huh? I bet those royals really live it up. ''[secretively]'' Of course, they're all a little, you know, from inbreeding. :'''Princess Bala''': ''What?'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yowch! Ya-Ya... Yowch! Yowch. Yowch. :'''Princess Bala''': What on earth are you doing? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Well, actually, to tell you the truth, I'm sort of making it up. :'''Princess Bala''': Really? :'''Z Marion-4195''': You know. Why does everybody have to dance the same way? You know, that's completely boring. It's... It's monotonous. :'''Princess Bala''': It's no fun. :'''Bar Guy''': Hey. Watch your step, worker. :'''Princess Bala''': You watch yours, buddy, or you'll be in big trouble. :'''Z Marion-4195''': That's okay. I'll... I'm gonna let him off this time. What? Are you crazy? This guy's built like a pebble. :'''Princess Bala''': Aren't you even gonna defend yourself? :'''Bar Guy''': Hey, buddy. Get back in place. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Me? Uh... Uh... :'''Princess Bala''': What if he doesn't want to? :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[clears throat]'' Yeah. What if I don't like my place? :'''Bar Guy''': What's he talking about? :'''Bar Guy''': We got us a troublemaker. :'''Bar Guy''': Buckle up, Spanky. This one goes out to all the lazy workers. :'''Weaver''': You ought to watch that aggressive behavior, buddy. :'''Bar Guy''': He's just a worker. :'''Handmaiden #1''': Princess Bala! Princess Bala! The guards are coming. :'''Princess Bala''': Let's get outta here. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Wait! Princess? You're a princess? :'''Princess Bala''': Uh, I gotta go. :'''Z Marion-4195''': When can I see you again? :'''Princess Bala''': Let me think. Never. ''[kisses Z]'' Bye. :'''Z Marion-4195''': No. Wait. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[singing]'' What a day it has been, what a rare mood I'm in. Why, it's almost like being in love. There's a smile. :'''Azteca''': Huh? :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[continues singing]'' On my face for the whole insect race. Why, it's almost like being in love. Yowch. :'''Bartender''': ''[to Z]'' Can I get you another one, pal? :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[sighing]'' No, thanks. I think I'm gonna go. :'''Bartender''': Yeah. I don't blame you. It's always slow in here the night before one of those royal reviews. I guess soldiers need their shut-eye before they meet the queen. I don't blame ya. :'''Z Marion-4195''': That's it! :'''Bartender''': You know, I was once... See ya. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Z Marion-4195''': Psst. Weaver. I figured it out. Weaver. Weaver. :'''Weaver''': What? What? ''[clears throat]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': I got a great idea. You gotta switch places with me. Let me go to the inspection instead of you. :'''Weaver''': What time is it? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Weaver. The royal family will be there. This is the only way I can see her. :'''Weaver''': See who? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Princess Bala. :'''Weaver''': ''[getting out of bed]'' Are you nuts? You want me to switch places with you? Do you know how much trouble you can get into for even talking about impersonating a soldier? You can get in trouble just for listening to someone talking about impersonating a soldier! :''[Everyone who was listening in pretends to fall back asleep]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': You have to help me. If I can't see her again, my life is just not worth living. Please, Weaver, ''please''. Switch jobs with me just, you know, for a day. Think of all the things I've done for you. :'''Weaver''': ''[pauses]'' Hm. I can't think of any. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Okay, so think of all the things that I'm ''gonna'' do for you! :'''Weaver''': ''[glances around, then leans in secretively]'' Would I meet some worker girls? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Are you kidding? They always go after the new guy! It's like a sport for them! And believe me, they will definitely go for an adorable little insect like you. :'''Weaver''': Mmm. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Weaver, I... I have to see her again. :'''Weaver''': Z, what kind of chance do you have with a princess? I mean, she probably won't even remember you. :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[sighs]'' I... I know it sounds nuts, but I have to try. :'''Weaver''': Oh, boy. ''[he exhales]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Z Marion-4195''': Princess, fancy meeting you here. What do you say we lose this crowd? Oh, me? You know, I... I wear many hats. I guess you'd have to call me a Renaissance ant. :'''Man''': Eyes right! :'''General Mandible''': Beautiful. Just beautiful. :'''Princess Bala''': Mm. :'''General Mandible''': The precision. The order. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Princess Bala! Princess Bala! Hey. It's me. Remember Z from the bar? Princess Bala! Princess Bala! Princess... :'''Queen''': Bala, you must encourage the troops. Wave. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Oh. She sees me. Excuse me, guys. I... Sorry. I just got a better offer. Could you excuse me? :'''Soldier Ant''': Company halt! :''[they all leave]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Princess. Princess Bala! :'''Soldier Ant''': Quiet there! Get back in rank. :'''Barbatus''': You new, kid? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Oh, yes, but I'm getting out soon. I got a trial membership. :'''Barbatus''': Trial membership. ''[chuckling]'' That's a good one! Name's Barbatus. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Z. :'''Man''': Right face! :'''Barbatus''': Psst. :'''General Mandible''': Sacrifice. To some, it is just a word. To others, it is a code. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Jeez. I'm really bad at word games. :'''General Mandible''': A solider knows that the life of an individual ant doesn't matter. What matters is the colony. He's willing to live for the colony, to fight for the colony, to die for the colony. :'''Z Marion-4195''': This guy's crazy. :'''Barbatus''': I hear ya. :'''General Mandible''': At 0800 hours, we received word that the termite enemy has mobilized. We have no choice but to launch a preemptive strike. You are the queen's finest. I know you will all do you duty. I am proud to send you into battle. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Into... I'm sorry-I'm sorry, into battle? :'''General Mandible''': Dismissed. :'''Man''': Left face! Forward march! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Talk to me. You know, I think there's been a terrible mistake. ''[being shipped off to battle]'' You know, the truth is I just... I just came for the speech. :'''Barbatus''': Don't worry, kid. I'll watch out for ya. :'''Ant''': Sound off. :'''Soldier Ant''': One. :'''Soldier Ant''': Two. :'''Ant''': Sound off. :'''Barbatus''': Three. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Huh? :'''Ant''': Sound off. :'''Soldier Ant''': Five. :'''Soldier Ant''': Six. :'''Soldier Ant''': Seven. :'''Soldier Ant''': Eight. :'''Soldier Ant''': Nine. :'''Soldier Ant''': Ten. :'''Soldier Ant''': Eleven. :'''Soldier Ant''': Twelve. :'''Soldier Ant''': Thirteen. :'''Soldier Ant''': ''[singing]'' The ants go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah! :'''All''': ''[singing]'' We slaughter termites just for fun, hurrah, hurrah! :'''Z Marion-4195''': So these termites, they're, they're pushovers, right? :'''Barbatus''': Not really, kid. They're five times our size, and they shoot acid from their foreheads. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Huh?! ''[stops marching, gaping in disbelief]'' :'''Soldier Ant''': ''[gives Z a shove from behind]'' Hey! Keep it movin', shorty! :''[Later, as the ant army is marching towards the termites' nest]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': So, what exactly does our platoon do? Are we gonna be serving beverages, or processing paperwork? :'''Barbatus''': Our platoon has the best assignment of all. We're the first into battle. :''[They marched up the termites' nest]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[panicked]'' Hey, wait a minute, let's not get...we're being too hasty here! These guys sound like ''bruisers!'' Just how were you figuring on beating them?! :'''Barbatus''': Superior numbers, kid. Overwhelm their defenses, and kill their queen. :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[stammering]'' I, um...Hey, fellas, that's...you're being a little extreme, I feel. Why don't...Why don't we just try and influence their political process with campaign contributions? :'''Barbatus''': ''[laughing]'' I like you, kid. You got a sense of humor! :'''Ant Officer''': '''FORWARD!!''' :'''Barbatus''': Come on! Let's kick some termite butt! :'''Soldier Ant''': '''OVER THE TOP!!!''' :'''Soldier Ant''': Where is everyone? :'''Soldier Ant''': Something's not right. :'''Barbatus''': Don't be scared, kid. :'''Ant Officer''': '''ATTACK!!!''' :'''Soldier Ant''': Come on. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Barbatus, you saved my life. :'''Barbatus''': Ah, don't get all sappy about it. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Hey, guys. Look out behind you! Hey... Hey, guys. Can somebody help me here? Can anybody... Hey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Weaver''': Yeah. ''[he breaks the wall]'' Okay, mama. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Big guy comin' through. Love it. :'''Azteca''': Hey. Hey. Hey. Take it easy, muscles. You're makin' the rest of us look bad. What happened to Z? :'''Weaver''': He's takin' a personal day, so I'm fillin' in. :'''Azteca''': ''[admiring]'' You fill in any more, and you'll explode. :'''Azteca''': Eh, you got a problem? :'''Weaver''': No, uh, uh... Nobody told me digging was so much fun. You know, you pick the dirt up. You move it. You pick it up again. You move it again. Lots of reps. You exercise the arms and the thorax. :'''Azteca''': Yes, I... I see what you mean. :'''Foreman''': Um. Yeah. That is fascinating. :'''Weaver''': Sorry, sir. I was just havin' a chat with my friend, sir. :'''Foreman''': You know, I just had a chat with General Mandible. Anybody who doesn't meet his quota is going to be downsized. :'''Azteca''': Come on. Cut him a break. He's new. :'''Foreman''': Hey. What do you say we help your attitude a little bit by taking away your rations for the day. Thanks for your time. :'''Azteca''': I don't know what came over me. Talking back like that. ''[he starts cutting]'' I must be losin' it. :'''Weaver''': Sorry I got you in trouble. But, listen, you can share my rations. Whoa. If you want. :'''Azteca''': ''[guards the ax]'' Are you askin' me out to dinner? :'''Weaver''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh, no. I... Well, if you don't have anything else planned. :'''Azteca''': ''[laughing]'' I'll check my calendar. You know, I'm kinda glad Z's takin' a breather. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside, Z emerged and saw the blood bath he saw. All of the ants and termites were all dead.]'' :'''Barbatus''': ''[to Z]'' Kid! Kid, over here. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Barbatus. :'''Barbatus''': Be honest, kid. Am I hurt bad? :'''Z Marion-4195''': N-No. N-Not at all. You're... Actually, you're lookin' terrific. You got, you know, swell color in your cheeks. :'''Barbatus''': No. I can see it in your eyes. I'm a goner. Help me up, Z. ''[sniffing]'' I can't feel my legs. :'''Z Marion-4195''': You gotta hang in there, buddy. You know. I know you're gonna make it. Just take... take deep breaths. Because I'm gonna try and find your body. It's bound to be out there somewhere. ''[to Barbatus]'' Barbatus, hang on. B-Barbatus. :'''Barbatus''': Don't make my mistake, kid. Don't follow orders your whole life. Think for yourself. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Barbatus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Cutter''': We're on schedule. Work is completed on "A" section sir, including a path through "D" section now. :'''General Mandible''': We need to push harder, Cutter. I want double shifts around-the-clock. We can't afford to let up. Is that clear? :'''Colonel Cutter''': Crystal, sir. :'''General Mandible''': Good. What about section... :'''Guard Ant''': ''[he comes in]'' Excuse me, sir. :'''General Mandible''': This had better be important. :'''Guard Ant''': Well, it's about the termite battle, sir. The enemy was destroyed, but I'm afraid it was a disaster for our troops, as well. :'''General Mandible''': Well, that's terrible. Terrible. :'''Guard Ant''': There is a better good news, sir. One soldier did make it back. :'''Colonel Cutter''': No kidding. :'''General Mandible''': What did you say? :'''Guard Ant''': Word is spreading through the colony. The queen requested a meeting with the war hero. :'''General Mandible''': ''[on hearing that one soldier survived the battle with the termites]'' Damn! ''[covering his true feelings]'' Good. damn good. Uh, I'll handle this. ''[he walks to Z and Ant]'' Congratulations, soldier. ''[chuckling]'' Well, you're a little short for a war hero, aren't you? :'''Z Marion-4195''': A war hero? Sir. I-I don't actually think that I'm a hero. :'''General Mandible''': ''[takes Z]'' Good. I don't like heroes. :''[the worker ants cheers]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': But, sir. You don't understand. I... I didn't do anything. I mean, it was all horrible. It was just a massacre. A-A massacre upon a massacre. :'''General Mandible''': ''[to Z]'' That's good, soldier. Now, wave. :''[the worker ants cheering, Z waves his arm, the worker ants continue cheering]'' :'''Azteca''': There was nothing you could do, Weaver. You didn't know they were going to war. :'''Weaver''': I just feel horrible. Poor Z. I should have never let him go. :'''Azteca''': Wait a minute. That's no soldier. That's Z! :'''Weaver''': Z? The little guy made it! ''[he chuckles]'' :'''General Mandible''': Let's go, soldier. :''[the worker ants cheering]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Mandible''': As I was saying, son, you are an ant after my own heart. An ant that looks death in the face and laughs. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Well, actually, the truth is, I-I generally just make belittling comments, and snicker behind death's back. ''[chuckling]'' :'''Queen''': General Mandible. :'''General Mandible''': ''[to Z]'' Keep your comments to yourself. Let me do the talking. May I present Her Majesty the Queen. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Charmed. Charmed. :'''General Mandible''': And the royal Princess Bala. :'''Queen''': Welcome home, soldier. We cannot begin to express our gratitude for your heroic efforts. :'''General Mandible''': The private has asked me to convey his most humble appreciation. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Please. Please. It was nothing really. Just your average run-of-the-mill valor, and extraordinary courageousness, you know. In the heat of battle, there's very little time to think. One must attack! Attack! Attack! ''[chuckling]'' :'''General Mandible''': Well, indeed. As you can see, Your Highness, the battlefield is still fresh in his mind. So, begging your pardon, but this is the perfect time to debrief the private. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Oh, please, General. Not on our first date. ''[chuckling]'' Not on our first date. :'''Princess Bala''': Haven't I seen you somewhere before? :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[recognizing his line from the night before]'' Well, maybe. ''[takes the hat off]'' Then again, maybe not. And then... then again. Yowch. :'''Princess Bala''': That's it! You're the guy from the bar. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Don't... Shh. :'''Queen''': Bar? What bar? :'''Princess Bala''': I danced with this guy at the bar the other night. He was just a worker then. :'''Queen''': What were you doing at a bar? :'''General Mandible''': Precisely what I want to know. :'''Princess Bala''': No. This isn't about me. I mean, look at this worker. Look what he's done. :'''Z Marion-4195''': I think you're thinkin' of someone else. ''[puts the hat back on]'' After all, I am a soldier. :'''Princess Bala''': Exactly. You were a worker. But now, you're a war hero. :'''Queen''': He's a worker? :'''General Mandible''': A worker danced with my fiancee? :'''Z Marion-4195''': F-Fiancee? W-W-Wait a minute. This is not how it looks. I can explain this. This... Hey. She was the one making all the moves. :'''General Mandible''': Arrest him. :'''Z Marion-4195''': H-Hey wait a minute. Take it easy. Can't we discuss this? :'''Queen''': What are you doing? Let go of my daughter. He's taking her hostage! :'''Z Marion-4195''': No. No. No. I'm not. I mean, yes, yes, I am. One more step and then the princess gets it. :'''Princess Bala''': Let go of me! ''[hits Z]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Ow! Don't make me hurt her! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Princess Bala''': What are you doing, you creep? Are you out of your puny little mind? :'''Guard Ant''': There they are down there! Let's go! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! :'''Princess Bala''': Oh, good. Here they come to rescue me and kill you. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Kill? :'''Princess Bala''': Hey, you guys! :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[to Bala]'' Stop it! Stop it. What are you tryin' to do? :'''Princess Bala''': Get off me, you little twerp! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Wait a minute. What do you want to do? Throw away everything you got? :'''Princess Bala''': Oh, hey! ''[punches Z]'' What're you waiting for? Hello! Guys! :'''Guard Ant''': Huh? :'''Guard Ant''': What is it? :'''Ridgeway''': It's beautiful. :'''Guard Ant''': Ridgeway, get out of there! :''[?]'' :''[Z and Bala both sigh when they escape from the magnifying glass, and hide in the "wilderness"]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Oh, don't worry. I'm okay. :'''Princess Bala''': ''You?!'' ''You're'' okay?! Hey, who cares about you?! I almost died here! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Will you please calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you? :'''Princess Bala''': Hey, this is not a mood. Okay? You're not listening to me. Where am I? ''[the praying mantis snores soundly, as the birds chirp in the background]'' Look, what's your name. Just climb up that tree, and find out where I am. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Look, th-the trick is not to panic. You know, h-h-he w-who panics is lost. Aw...What am I saying? I mean, we are lost. ''[climbs up a stem of a thistle plant, but it droops over downwards towards Bala]'' Whoa! Whoa! ''[Bala gasps; he grins and chuckles sarcastically at Bala, but the thistle part of the plant breaks off of the thistle plant, and falls to the ground, with Z holding on to it]'' Ow! :'''Princess Bala''': ''[to herself]'' I've been kidnapped by the village idiot. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Who's the bigger idiot? ''[gets up, as he plucks the thistle thorns off of his body]'' The idiot, or the idiot who gets kidnapped by the idiot? :'''Princess Bala''': What'd you do? ''Talk'' those termites to death? I can't believe you tried to pass yourself off as a soldier. Why are you stalking me? Don't you realize that I'm...out of your league? :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''You're'' the one who was cruising the worker bar looking for a little action! And you just happened to find it - the swarthy, earthy, sensual worker. :'''Princess Bala''': Please. I was slumming it. Don't you get it? I chose you because you were the most pathetic little bug in the joint. :'''Z Marion-4195''': You know, I was gonna let you become part of my most erotic fantasies. But now, you can just forget that! Write it off, you know? I-I guess what you prefer is Old Blood and Guts! This guy's idea of a romantic night out is two seats at a public execution! Boy. You ''really'' chose the right husband. ''[climbs up a spiked stem of a rose]'' :'''Princess Bala''': For your information, the General and I are deeply, deeply in...engaged! You come right back down here this instant! We are marching straight back to the colony, so that I can go straight back to the palace, and tell my mother... :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[moves some of the rose's leaves out of his way with his hand, and sees the "monolith" (a drinking fountain) in the distance, the first of the series of landmarks on the way to Insectopia that Grebs told him about]'' The monolith! :'''Princess Bala''': ...and you can go back to your stupid little buggy bar! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Absolutely. Wonderful. ''[climbs back down the rose's spiked stem towards Bala, who is standing on the ground]'' That's an appealing offer. But, considering the options, ''you'' go back. Okay? 'Cause I'm going to Insectopia. :'''Princess Bala''': Oh, come on! Insectopia? You're crazier than I thought. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yeah? Well, I happen to have it on a very reliable source. ''[clears his throat]'' Or...Or should I say, a drunk, raving source? But the point is, I'm convinced the place definitely exists! ''[heads on towards the monolith]'' :'''Princess Bala''': Stop! I ''order'' you to stop, worker! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Hey! I got a name, okay?! It's Z! And out here, you can't order me around! ''[continues walking on]'' :'''Princess Bala''': All right! Fine! No problem! Grr! ''[goes the opposite direction of Z, but suddenly, the ground underneath her starts to shake and rise, and she finds herself on the back of a praying mantis, who turns and gnashes its jaws at her. She gasps, and then runs after Z in terror]'' Worker! Worker, where are you?! Z?! Z, wait for me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cutter watches, as the Queen tells Mandible that she wants Bala back]'' :'''Queen''': No more excuses, General. I want my daughter back. Frankly, I'm beginning to doubt your ability to handle this. :'''General Mandible''': Believe me, Your Highness, we will spare no effort to bring her back. Princess Bala is essential to all our plans for the future. :'''Worker Ant''': So he kills himself a hundred termites, gets a few medals, then bada-ding, bada-bip, bags himself the princess. :'''Worker Ant''': He looks dead in the eye... :'''Worker Ant''': And says, "Bite me." :'''Female Ant''': He said that to General Mandible? :'''Worker Ant''': Buddy. Hey, hey, buddy. You heard about the war hero named Z? Runs off the the princess, right? When they sent the guards after him, he just looks at 'em and boom! They burst into flames. :'''Weaver''': Z? ''[chuckling]'' You talkin' about Z? Hey, I know the guy. He's a friend of mine. I think your information... :'''Worker Ant''': You know Z? :'''Weaver''': Yeah. He's a worker. He used to dig around here. :'''Worker Ant''': A worker? That's impossible. A worker can't do anything, except work. :'''Female Ant''': Yeah. It's not like we got a choice. :'''Azteca''': We do have a choice. Uh, I mean, look at Z. He decided he wanted something, and he went for it. :'''Weaver''': He's not alone. I used to be a soldier, and I switched places with him. :'''Worker Ant''': Wait a second. You're tellin' me, I don't have to be here? :'''Female Ant''': We've got a choice? :'''Worker Ant''': The authorities don't want you to know, but we don't have to work on the tunnel any more. :'''Worker Ant''': It's the workers who control the means of production. :'''Worker Ant''': If Z don't dig, I don't dig. :'''Foreman''': People, what is this? An encounter group? Let's get back to work. :'''Worker Ant''': Why? :'''Worker Ant''': ...on the tunnel anymore! This guy, Z, he's leadin' the revolution! :'''Foreman''': I'll get back to you. :''[the worker ants chattering]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Princess Bala''': Think about it, Z, two ants. Who ever heard of two ants? Two million ants, maybe. But two? Look, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, and this whole desert thing? It just doesn't work for me. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yada, yada, yada. :'''Princess Bala''': I think it's about time to take me back. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Take yourself back. ''[he scoffs]'' :'''Princess Bala''': Excuse me. You kidnapped me, remember? That means you have certain responsibilities. You can't just abandon me here in the wilderness. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yeah, well, it's better than being back at the colony. :'''Princess Bala''': You're not serious, are you? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Maybe you were living the high life, but personally, this beats digging. If you'd ever done a day's labor you'd know what I was talking about. :'''Princess Bala''': Labor? What do you know about labor? How would you feel if you were expected to give birth every ten seconds for the rest of your life? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Gee. :'''Princess Bala''': Water! All you think about is yourself. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yeah? Well, nobody else ever thought about me. So as far as I'm concerned, I don't need anybody else. :''[A water droplet landed next to them. Bala looked and saw Z was trapped in a water drop.]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[in a water drop]'' Help! Help me, Bala! Help! B-B-B-B-Bala! :'''Princess Bala''': Hold on, I'll get you out. Hold on. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Help, Ba... :''[Bala looked down to see that she can push the droplet down the leaf. She pushed but she end up getting absorbed into the droplet, It rolled down and splashed onto the ground.]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Thanks. :'''Princess Bala''': Don't mention it. Now, maybe we can put this fantasy behind us, and head back to the colon... Oh, Z! What are you doing? :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[gets in the boat]'' We've got to cross the lake. :'''Princess Bala''': Am I missing something here? Didn't we just get out of the water? :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[grabs a stick]'' Bala, look, what have you got to lose? I mean, think about it. Do you really want to be Mrs. Raving Lunatic? There's a better place. :'''Princess Bala''': Z, please. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Just gimme one chance. If we don't find Insectopia soon, I promise I'll take you back to the colony. ''[puts his hand out, then Bala gets in, then Z rows to go to Insectopia]'' :'''Princess Bala''': I hope you know what you're doing. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yeah, me too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''All''': ''[chanting]'' We want Z! We want Z! :'''Foreman''': People, come on. I know some ants who aren't gonna make their quota. :'''Worker Ant''': Buzz off, pawn of the oppressor. :'''All''': ''[continues chanting]'' We want Z! We want Z! :'''Colonel Cutter''': Sorry, sir. I came as soon as I heard. I was debriefing the trackers. :'''General Mandible''': And? What's the report? :'''Colonel Cutter''': Well, this Z, sir. He's one slippery character. They lost Bala's trail at the edge of the lake. :'''General Mandible''': The lake? :'''All''': ''[singing]'' All we are saying is give Z a chance. :'''General Mandible''': What's that soldier doing there? :'''Colonel Cutter''': It appears he's holding hands, sir, with a worker. :'''General Mandible''': I don't like the way things are going, Cutter. I'm counting on you for results. Now, can I depend on you or not? :'''Colonel Cutter''': Yes, sir. :'''General Mandible''': All right, then. Let's wrap this up. :'''All''': ''[continues chanting]'' We want Z! We want Z! We want Z! :'''General Mandible''': I've heard a lot about this Z. I even had the pleasure of meeting him once. But where is he know? Can anyone point him out? I mean, if this Z cares so much about us, then why isn't he here? I'll tell you why. Because Z doesn't give a damn about us. That's why he kidnapped our princess. That's why he ran away. Z is no hero. We are the heroes. We are the ones ensuring the future of our great colony. And when we've completed this magnificent structure, we will reap the benefits: more food and less work for everyone. And as further reward for your heroic efforts, each and every one of you will get the day off... so you can be the guests of honor at the MegaTunnel dedication ceremonies! :''[the ants cheering]'' :'''Foreman''': Mandible! Mandible! :'''All''': ''[chanting]'' Mandible! Mandible! Mandible! Mandible! :'''General Mandible''': Now bring me that soldier. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The morning came and Bala woke up to see Z still sleeping. She heads off to see if there is any sign of Insectopia. She looked over the grass and notice something.]'' :'''Princess Bala''': Oh, my God! Z! Come here! :'''Z Marion-4195''': It's Insectopia! :'''Princess Bala''': You were right. It really is here. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Huh? :'''Princess Bala''': All right. All right! You're a genius. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Let's eat. :''[Z has been trying to feast on a sandwich at a picnic, only to be blocked by the clingfilm it's wrapped in]'' :'''Princess Bala''': Well, what's the problem? :'''Z Marion-4195''': There's some kind of force-field! ''[above them, two wasps, Chip and Muffy, arrive]'' Uh, excuse me? Excuse me? How...How do you get in? :'''Chip''': ''[flying down to them]'' Yes, yes, well, I'm afraid this is a ''private'' function. :'''Muffy''': Who are your friends, dear? :'''Chip''': ''Crawling'' insects, poopsie. :'''Muffy''': Oh, the poor dears. ''[to Z and Bala, slowly]'' Uh, good...morning! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Huh? :'''Chip''': Darling, really? Greeting every insect that emerges out of the grass? :'''Princess Bala''': Pardon me? I guess you don't recognize me! ''[the wasps land in front of them]'' I've been travelling, and I'm all...schlumpy. I'm Princess Bala. :'''Chip''': Oh! ''[to Muffy]'' It's even worse. They're Eurotrash! :'''Muffy''': Darling, they're poor, they're dirty, they're smelly. We have to help them. ''[leaning down, to Z and Bala]'' If you just wait right here, we'll get you a little something. :'''Chip''': Ugh! Please, Muffy, not ''another'' crusade. :'''Muffy''': Chippy, we have a social obligation to the less fortunate. ''[Chip rolls his eyes]'' I know you laugh at my hobbies, but this is ''important'' to me! :''[Z and Bala flinch as she stamps in frustration]'' :'''Chip''': Hm. You have such a big heart. That's why you're my little cuddly-widdles...! :'''Muffy''': Oh, my big strong pheromone factory...! :''[The wasps start kissing in an exaggerated manner]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Oh, brother. Suddenly I've lost my appetite. You know... I guess I had imagined Insectopia... I don't know, a little differently. :''[A massive flyswatter came down on them, Z and Bala dodged in time in one of its holes as it lifted up in the air. Looking over, Bala gasped in horror when she and Z saw that the flyswatter had killed Muffy.]'' :'''Chip''': Oh, Muffy! No! Oh, no! ''[starts crying]'' :'''Princess Bala''': Oh, no. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Look out! :'''Princess Bala''': Z, help me! Z! Don't let me... Don't let me go, Z. Get me out of here! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Bala! Whoa, this is not good. Whoa! Hi. :'''Princess Bala''': Z? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yes? :'''Princess Bala''': It looks like this is it, just when... I was starting to like you. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Who the hell is that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Weaver is beaten up by soldiers in Mandible's office]'' :'''General Mandible''': That's enough. :'''Weaver''': I ain't tellin' you nothin'. :'''General Mandible''': Soldier, the princess is vital to the future of this colony. She must be returned to take their place as queen. :'''Weaver''': We already have a queen. :'''General Mandible''': As for your friend, Z, why should I hurt him? ''[chuckling]'' He's not important. Now, soldier, we all know that one individual ant doesn't matter. Not you, not Cutter... not even her. :''[Azteca is dragged in by more soldiers]'' :'''Weaver''': Azteca! ''[struggles, but is restrained]'' :'''Azteca''': Don't tell that tight-a** anything, Weaver! :'''General Mandible''': Where is Z?! :'''Weaver''': I don't know where he is! :'''General Mandible''': Hmm. That's too bad. :''[He nods to the soldiers holding Azteca; one closes in on her, and she is heard crying out in pain]'' :'''Weaver''': Wait! Insectopia! I know it sounds crazy, but that's where he'd be going! :'''Colonel Cutter''': Soldier, you think this is a game? Insectopia does not exist. :'''General Mandible''': As a matter of fact... it does. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Sir? :'''General Mandible''': I'll brief you on the coordinates. You're gonna bring the princess back. And as for Z... kill him. :''[Azteca looks horrified]'' :'''Weaver''': But you said he didn't matter! :'''General Mandible''': It's for the good of the colony. You made the right decision. Gentlemen, now you can see how dangerous individualism can be. It makes us vulnerable. :'''Soldier Ant''': Let's go. :'''General Mandible''': Take him back to the MegaTunnel. Put him on the front line. Dismissed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Z Marion-4195''': Jeez, what was I thinking? I almost got you killed. :'''Princess Bala''': Z, you know, you really shouldn't be so hard on... :'''Z Marion-4195''': That's it. I'm taking you back to the colony. Ow! Insectopia. You know, I must've been crazy. :'''Princess Bala''': Z? :'''Z Marion-4195''': But you know what? I can admit it when I'm wrong. :'''Princess Bala''': Z. :'''Z Marion-4195''': And this time, I gotta tell ya, I was absolutely 100% correct. Have... Have you ever seen anything more beautiful in your life? :'''Princess Bala''': It's Insect... :'''Z Marion-4195''': Shh! Don't jinx it. Come on! :''[Neil Finn music playing a song [[w:I Can See Clearly Now|I Can See Clearly Now]]]'' :'''Neil Finn''': ''[singing]'' ♫I can see clearly now The rain has gone / I can see all obstacles in my way / Gone are the dark clouds That had me blind / It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshiny day / It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright, bright, sunshiny day / Look all around Nothing but blue skies / Look straight ahead Nothing but blue skies / Whoa / I can see clearly now The rain has gone / I can see all obstacles in my way.♫ :'''General Mandible''': All right, everybody. I want all teams in place, fully prepared, ready to seal the doors here and here. Make certain the digging crew stays on schedule for breakthrough midway in the dedication ceremony. Now all we need is the princess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Z and Bala sit with some other bugs around a campfire in Insectopia]'' :'''Ladybug''': ''[tasting a brown lump]'' This stuff tastes like crap. :'''Fly''': Really? Let me try some. ''[tastes it]'' Hey, it ''is'' crap! Not bad. ''[continues eating]'' Somebody needs to feed that fire. :'''Mosquito''': Dude, I did it last time. :'''Fly''': Well, I'm not gonna get it. It's not my job. :'''Ladybug''': What about the new guy? He hasn't contributed yet. :''[They observe Z and Bala talking by themselves]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[about Barbatus]'' And...you know, he just died in my arms like that. I...You know, I don't think he ever once, in his life, made his own choice. :'''Princess Bala''': ''[moved and saddened]'' I never knew it was like that. I mean, up in the palace...Well, I guess we just let the General make all the decisions. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Let me ask you something - what made you come to the bar that night? :'''Princess Bala''' : I guess I was looking for a little trouble. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but, uh, I don't want you spreading that around. :'''Princess Bala''': ''[chuckles]'' You're pretty strange. You do know that, don't you? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Well, ''[clears throat]'' "strange" is...not exactly the word ''I'' would use, you know- :'''Princess Bala''': ''[smiling]'' I like it. You're not like anyone else. :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[stammering]'' Actually, now that you mention it, I...there is a certain strangeness to me. I mean, it's a...you know, kind of a bizarre quality. Some have said "freak". But it's, uh, you know, complimentary. :''[Bala keeps smiling, leaning towards him, and they are about to kiss]'' :'''Fly''': Hey, new guy! We need more wood. :''[Bala shrugs disappointedly]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': I'll be right back. Just hold that thought - whatever...whatever it is you were thinking. ''[to the other bugs, as he leaves]'' Hey, you ever wonder why they call you guys "''pests''"? :'''Mosquito''': What if, like, we're just these tiny things, and we're just, like, part of this whole other huge universe that's, like, so big we don't even know it exists? :'''Ladybug''': ''[chuckles]'' Man, that is ''so'' deep. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Perfect. Nothing like a little manual labor on the most romantic night of my life. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Hi. I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd drop in. This is, uh, very bohemian. :'''Bug''': Aloha, dude. Welcome to Insec... :'''Colonel Cutter''': Sorry for interrupting. You see, our princess has, uh, gone missing, and we're just sick about it. She's about yea tall, fairly easy... ''[pause]'' ...on the eyes. Anybody seen her? :'''Bug''': That's her. :''[All of the bugs pointed at Bala who tried to get away.]'' :'''Colonel Cutter''': Don't worry, Princess, you'll be back home soon. :'''Princess Bala''': Listen, Cutter, I'm... I'm not going back. :'''Colonel Cutter''': ''[sighs]'' The thing is, Princess, I got orders. :'''Princess Bala''': Orders? Can't you just once think for yourself? :'''Colonel Cutter''': Well, that was very impressive. Where's Z? :'''Bug''': Z? He's, uh... :'''Princess Bala''': Dead. Z's dead. You don't need to worry about him. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Z's dead. Well, he was an ant with ideas. Too bad for him. Princess, your colony needs you. :'''Princess Bala''': Cutter! Stop right now! Let go of me! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Bala! Stop, you... Oh, no. ''[muttering]'' What am I gonna do? All right, look. Let's be rational about this. You know, Bala and I, you know, she's a princess, and I'm a... I'm a soil-relocation engineer. So wha... You're no... Whew! On the other hand, uh, I've gotta go back for her. :'''Chip''': I'll-I'll give you a lift. S-S-S... ''[falls to the ground]'' It's the least I can do. Besides, it's what my waddly-kittles would want. ''[he starts crying]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Uh, look... ''[clears throat]'' ...how about a cup of joe first? :'''Chip''': Well, old boy, saddle up. :'''Z Marion-4195''': I think I saw a puddle of coffee over there. It... Whoa! Look out! <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Mandible''': Ah, Princess. You're just in time. :'''Princess Bala''': Take your hands of me. General, what exactly is going on here? I demand an explanation. :'''General Mandible''': I'll explain everything afterwards. Is the southeast entrance secure? :'''Guard Ant''': Yes, sir. :'''Princess Bala''': Not afterwards. Now. I don't like the way you think and I don't like the way you run this colony. And I don't like you. The wedding is off. Things are going to change around here. :'''General Mandible''': You're right, Princess. Things are going to change. Why don't we make her more comfortable? She'll be here for a while. :'''Princess Bala''': What do you think you're doing? My mother will have your head. :'''General Mandible''': I doubt that. ''[chuckling]'' Ah, you've got a fighter spirit, Bala. And that's just what we need to start our new colony. We will rinse away all the filth from our gutters. We'll start anew, with you by my side as my queen. :'''Princess Bala''': You're crazy. :'''General Mandible''': I believe history will see things differently. All right, gentlemen. Time to take your positions. Someday... Someday you'll thank me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Z Marion-4195 and Chip''': ''[moaning]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Pull up! Pull up! There it is! :'''Chip''': Oh! Well, then, go get the woman you love, Z. :'''Z Marion-4195''': So long, Chip. And thanks. :'''Soldier Ant''': You there. Where do you think you're goin'? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Me? Oh, no, I was just... You know, I... :'''Soldier Ant''': You're not supposed to be out here. All workers are to report to the tunnel-opening ceremonies. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yes, yes, of course. The-The tunnel-opening ceremonies. I... Well, I should get going, then. I.. ''[he clears throat]'' You know, the-the... :'''Soldier Ant''': Hey! :'''Z Marion-4195''': I'm going to the... ''[clears throat]'' ...the tunnel opening ceremonies. :'''Soldier Ant''': Get moving. :'''Z Marion-4195''': I'd better get goin'. I'm going to the... the tunnel-opening ceremonies. I... Excuse me, please. Tunnel-opening ceremonies. :'''Soldier Ant''': Hey, worker! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Opening the tunnel. They need me. I'm the key man. :'''Soldier Ant''': Where do you think you're going? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Tunnel-opening ceremonies. :'''Princess Bala''': Hey, come on! Let me outta here! Hey! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Gosh, this-this day just keeps getting better and better. :'''Princess Bala''': I mean big trouble! Are you listening to me out there? I'm the princess, damn it! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Wow, your manners haven't improved much. :'''Princess Bala''': Z! It's you. You came back for me. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Well, yeah, I came back for you. You know, I have strong feelings for you. Let's face it, you're, you're... ''[he clears throat]'' ...you're beautiful. I... A little combative at times, but I think we can work :on that. :'''Princess Bala''': You talk too much. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Gee, I think I'm about to become the strong, silent type. Come on. The city's deserted. We'd better get outta here. :'''Princess Bala''': Z... ''[sighing]'' ...we can't go. Mandible's insane. He... He keeps talking about washing away the filth and-and changing history and, and I think he's going to try to kill my mother. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Not just your mother, everyone. :'''Princess Bala''': What's going on? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Look. Here we are, safe in the city. But they're gonna seal everybody off in the MegaTunnel. And, here's the lake. You're right. We can't leave now. Come on. We gotta get down there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Mandible''': Today is the realization of a dream. A dream of a proud colony. A pure colony. A colony reborn. Moments from now this tunnel will open. The past will be washed away and a new day will dawn. :'''Queen''': A stirring speech, General. I only wish my daughter were here to appreciate it. :'''General Mandible''': Your Majesty, I know how concerned you are about Bala. But my scouts are on her trail and it's only a matter of time... :'''Queen''': General, I don't want to discuss it. Just find her. :'''General Mandible''': Oh, I will, Your Highness. Good-bye. Seal up the doors. Cutter, did you hear me? :'''Colonel Cutter''': Sir, I've been thinking. Do we need to go through with this? Look at what these workers have done. They got the right stuff. Isn't there any other way? :'''General Mandible''': Cutter, you're a fine officer. You have discipline, courage, ability. But you seem to have a certain weakness for the lower orders that I find disturbing. Now, are you with me? :'''Colonel Cutter''': Sir, uh… I apologize. :'''General Mandible''': All right, then. Seal it up. :'''Colonel Cutter''': Yes, sir. :'''Queen''': As I look out on this magnificent tunnel, I am filled with pride. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Jump! :'''Queen''': In these difficult times, it is a great solace to know that you, our workers... :'''Princess Bala''': Mom! Wait! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Every worker in the colony is here. Hey, wait a minute. That guy owes me money. :'''Queen''': This tremendous accomplishment is a testimony to the strength... :'''Foreman''': People! Put your backs into it! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Go warn your mother. I gotta get to those diggers before they break through. :'''Princess Bala''': There's not enough time. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Hey, leave the pessimism to me, okay? ''[Z went to the Tunnel while Bala headed to her mother.]'' Excuse me! Sorry about that. Excuse me. :'''Queen''': In a few moments, when our expert diggers break through to the surface... :'''Princess Bala''': Mom! Mom, stop. :'''Queen''': ...the sun will pour into this... Bala! Where've you been? Are you all right? ''[hugs Bala]'' :'''Princess Bala''': I'm fine. :'''Queen''': What happened? :'''Princess Bala''': Mother, we're in terrible danger. :'''Foreman''': Put your backs into it, people. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Wait! Hold... Hey, stop digging! :'''Weaver''': Z? Is that you? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Weaver, stop! :'''Weaver''': Z! You're back! Oh, Z! Oh. :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[gasping]'' Weaver! :'''Azteca''': Z! What's the matter? :'''Z Marion-4195''': Ho-Hold up, everyone. Stop. Stop digging. :'''Foreman''': On whose authority? :'''Z Marion-4195''': On your own authority. If you break through that wall, we're all gonna... :'''Princess Bala''': Drown! This tunnel is going to flood. :'''Queen''': So we've got to get everyone out of here. :''[the worker ants murmuring]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Foreman''': Look, I got orders, and those orders say "dig." :'''Z Marion-4195''': What if someone ordered you to jump off a bridge? Oh, brother, I'm asking the wrong guy here. Look, think for yourselves! :'''Foreman''': Give me that! I've enough out of you. Get back to work. :'''Weaver''': What's that noise? :'''Foreman''': Uh-oh... :'''Weaver''': Let's get outta here! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Run! :''[The hole burst open and water gushed through. Z and the other worker ants started to run for their lives.]'' :'''Weaver''': Run! Keep going! :'''Queen''': Everyone, listen to me. We've all been deceived. We need to calmly head toward the exits. :'''Digger''': Run for your lives! It's gonna flood! :'''Queen''': No. Don't panic. Don't panic! :'''Worker Ant''': Every ant for himself! :'''Worker Ant''': All the exits are blocked! :'''Worker Ant''': We're trapped! :'''Princess Bala''': What are we going to do? :'''Foreman''': There's nothing we can do! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yes, there is. Weaver, give me a leg up. ''[climbs on Weaver]'' Everyone, listen to me! :'''Worker Ant''': Who the heck are you? :'''Princess Bala''': He's Z! :''[the worker ants chattering]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Listen, we gotta help each other get outta here before we all drown. :'''Worker Ant''': How? :'''Z Marion-4195''': By making a ladder. :'''Female Ant''': A ladder! :'''Z Marion-4195''': Hey, if we built this, we can do anything. ''[jumps off Weaver]'' Okay, let's move it! :'''Weaver''': I'm on it. All of you, gather around. You, start climbing. :'''Worker Ant''': Grab my arm. :'''Worker Ant''': All right. Here I go. :'''Worker Ant''': Come on. :'''Worker Ant''': Go, go, go! :'''Worker Ant''': Right! :'''Azteca''': Excuse me, Your Majesty. ''[holds up the Queen, by climbing up]'' :'''Princess Bala''': Z, I've gotta help my Mom. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Don't worry. I know almost exactly what I'm doing. ''[hugs Bala]'' I'll see you at the top. :'''General Mandible''': Gentlemen, there comes a time, in the evolution of a perfect colony, when the strong are meant to rise above the weak. Now is that time. Below us right now, the weak elements of the colony, are being washed away. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Oh, my God, we're not gonna make it! We need more ants. :'''Weaver''': ''[grunting]'' You two better get up there. :'''Azteca''': Weaver, you can't hold it alone. :'''Weaver''': '''GET GOING!''' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Hang in there, buddy. :''[Z and Azteca began to climb to the top.]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Got it! :'''Azteca''': Hurry up! Go, go, go, go! :''[Z began to dig his way to the top]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''General Mandible''': Our princess is secured, and our glorious future is at hand. We can all stand proud. It is time for a new beginning. :''[The ants made a big hole above the ground avoiding drowning from the oncoming flood]'' :'''General Mandible''': '''WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!''' :'''Colonel Cutter''': I think that's the "weak elements", sir. :'''Z Marion-4195''': Gimme a hand! :'''General Mandible''': Z! '''''YOU?! LET GO!''''' ''[grabs a spear]'' '''''DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! IT'S FOR THE GOOD OF THE COLONY!''''' :'''Z Marion-4195''': What are you saying?! We ''are'' the colony! :''[Mandible is about to kill Z with the spear, but Cutter punches his face, knocking him down]'' :'''General Mandible''': ''[rubbing his face]'' Cutter, what are you doing? :'''Colonel Cutter''': Something I should have done, a long time ago. ''This'' is for the good of the colony, sir. :''[grabs onto Z's hand to pull him up]'' :'''General Mandible''': ''[his last words; glares at Cutter in fury]'' '''YOU USELESS, UNGRATEFUL MAGGOT! ''I'' AM THE COLONY!''' ''[charges at him]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': ''[gasps]'' Look out! :''[As Z pushes Cutter aside, Mandible tackles him and they fall down into the hole past the colony. Mandible hits a root, killing him, and Z lands into the water, uncounscious]'' :'''Princess Bala''': Z! :''[Cutter's eyes widen]'' :'''Colonel Cutter''': ''[determined]'' Men, let's move it! Get these ants up here. :''[The soldiers start pulling the ants out. Cutter flies into the hole and dives in. Z continues to sink. Cutter rescues his friend]'' :'''Queen Ant''': Thank goodness we made it. :'''Princess Bala''': Wait here. :'''Azteca''': Okay. Weaver. :'''Worker Ant''': Thank you. :'''Princess Bala''': Where's Z? Oh, no. :'''Weaver''': Back up, everybody, back up! Give him some air. Back up. :'''Princess Bala''': Z, oh, Z. Please wake up. :'''Azteca''': Oh, no. ''[sobbing]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Huh! ''[coughs]'' :''[The ants start cheering]'' :'''Princess Bala''': ''[kisses Z]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': Yowch! :'''Azteca''': You know, Weaver, you still owe me that dinner. :'''Weaver''': ''[kisses Azteca]'' Babylove. :'''Azteca''': We made it, Z! :'''Weaver''': You da ant! ''[congratulates him]'' :'''Princess Bala''': You did it. :'''Z Marion-4195''': We did it. ''[the ants grab Z and Bala]'' Fellas, fellas, please. This is very embarrasing for me, I... :''[Bala laughs]'' :'''Z Marion-4195''': On the other hand, I probably could get used to this. ''[last lines]'' There you have it. Your average 'boy-meets-girl, boy-likes-girl, boy-changes-underlying-social-order' story. So, what else can I tell you? We rebuilt the colony - it's even better than before, you know, 'cause now it has a very large indoor swimming pool. Bala and I, incidentally, are thinking of starting a family. You know, just a few kids, maybe a million or two to begin with. And I'm, I'm workin' with a new therapist, you know, terrific, absolutely terrific. He's, he's been putting me in touch with my inner maggot, which is helping me a great deal. And, you know, I finally feel like I found my place, and you know what? It's right back where I started. But the difference is, this time I chose it. ==DORIS DAY lyrics (High Hopes)== :'''Doris Day''': Just what makes that little old ant / Think he'll move that rubber tree plant / Anyone knows an ant, can't / Move a rubber tree plant :'''Doris Day and Children''': But he's got high hopes, he's got high hopes / He's got high apple pie, in the sky hopes :'''Doris Day''': So any time your gettin' low / Stead of lettin' go / Just remember that ant / Oops there goes another rubber tree plant :'''Children''': Oops there goes another rubber tree plant :'''Doris Day''': Oops there goes another rubber tree plant / Once there was a silly old ram / Thought he'd punch a hole in a dam / No one could make that ram, scram / He kept buttin' that dam :'''Doris Day and Children''': Cause he had high hopes, he had high hopes / He had high apple pie, in the sky hopes :'''Doris Day''': So any time your feelin' bad / Stead of feelin' sad / Just remember that ram :'''Children''': Oops there goes another rubber tree plant :'''Doris Day''': Oops there goes another rubber tree plant :'''Children''': Oops there goes another rubber tree plant :'''Doris Day''': Cause he had high hopes, he had high hopes / He had high apple pie, in the sky hopes / All problems just a toy balloon / They'll be bursted soon / They're just bound to go pop / Oops there goes another problem kerplop :'''Children''': Oops there goes another problem kerplop :'''Doris Day''': Oops there goes another problem kerplop :'''Children''': Kerplop == Taglines == * Every ant has his day. * Every ant runs the colony. * See the world from a whole new perspective. * Actual size of the next really big movie star. * All revolutions begin underground. * Antz iz coming 10-2-98. * "The hero." (Z tagline) * "The princess." (Bala tagline) * "Best friend." (Weaver tagline) * "The general." (Mandible tagline) == Voice cast == * [[Woody Allen]] — Zachary "Z" Marion * [[Dan Aykroyd]] — Chip the Wasp * [[Anne Bancroft]] — The Ant Queen * [[w:Jane Curtin|Jane Curtin]] — Muffin "Muffy" the Wasp * [[w:Danny Glover|Danny Glover]] — Staff Sergeant Barbatus * [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] — General Mandible * [[Jennifer Lopez]] — Azteca * [[w:John Mahoney|John Mahoney]] — Grebs * [[w:Paul Mazursky|Paul Mazursky]] — The Psychiatrist * [[w:Grant Shaud|Grant Shaud]] — The Foreman * [[Sylvester Stallone]] — Corporal Weaver * [[Sharon Stone]] — Princess Bala * [[Christopher Walken]] — Colonel Cutter * Mickie McGowan — Ants * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] — The One Worker == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|120587|Antz}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1998 American animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Animated films about ants]] [[Category:Films directed by Eric Darnell]] [[Category:Films directed by Tim Johnson]] [[Category:DreamWorks Animation]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] sjbstmxxqy1dhb4q35je0c50n7xgr3n 0 27441 3944465 3409535 2026-05-23T13:42:39Z Saroj 2925457 removed [[Category:Feminists]]; added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944465 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Goran Persson in 2006.jpg|thumb|Göran Persson in 2006]] '''[[w:Göran Persson|Hans Göran Persson]]''' (born 20 January 1949) is a Swedish Social Democratic politician. He was the [[w:Prime Minister of Sweden|Prime Minister of Sweden]] from March 1996 to October 2006 and the leader of the [[w:Swedish Social Democratic Party|Social Democratic Party]] from March 1996 to March 2007. == Quotes == * ''Jaha, jag har bråttom. Öpp öpp! Håll er borta.'' ** Translation: Right, I'm in a hurry. Öpp öpp! Stay away. ** Source: Youtube, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5zqsFJ0K2s * ''För mig är det oerhört slående vad politisk stabilitet betyder för ekonomisk utveckling när man ser det kinesiska exemplet.'' ** Translation: To me it is enormously striking what political stability means for economic development when you look at the Chinese example. ** Said to reporters during a state visit to the [[w:People's Republic of China|People's Republic of China]] (November 4, 1996). [http://www.sr.se/cgi-bin/spelare/createRam.asp?namn=/p3/nyhetsverktyg/0328persson_kina_2003-03-31_140354.rm] * ''Den som är satt i skuld är inte fri.'' ** Translation: Those who are indebted are not free. **The title of his 1997 book about dealing with the economic crisis and the large [[government debt]] in the 1990s. * ''Kanske jag blir lite för duktig ibland... Kanske är jag för påläst och kan ibland uppfattas som lite mästrande.'' ** Translation: Maybe I seem a little too clever sometimes... Maybe I'm too well prepared and I may sometimes be regarded as a little fault finding. **Answering a question about his weaknesses in the Swedish newspaper ''[[w:Expressen|Expressen]]'' (August 30, 2000). * ''Jag leder inte världens mest briljanta regering. Statsråden tillhör inte den yppersta intellektuella eliten och särskilt vackra är vi inte heller.'' **Translation: I'm not leading the world's most brilliant cabinet. The ministers don't belong to the most outstanding intellectual elite and we're not particularly beautiful either. **Said in a speech to ''Komvux'' (adult secondary education) students in [[w:Norrköping|Norrköping]] in 2002, according to the Swedish news agency [[w:Tidningarnas Telegrambyrå|TT]]. * ''Jag är feminist, men vill inte driva de här frågorna så hårt att jag skapar motsättningar i samhället.'' **Translation: I'm a feminist, but I don't want to push these issues so hard that I create hostilities in society. **Said to the Swedish newspaper ''[[w:Aftonbladet|Aftonbladet]]'' (January 24, 2002). * ''Fri rörlighet för arbetskraft vill vi ha, men inte social turism. Där får vi inte vara naiva.'' **Translation: We want free movement of labour, but not social tourism. There, we must not be naive. **Said in an interview with ''[[w:Sveriges Radio|Sveriges Radio]] - Ekot'' about the EU enlargement (November 11, 2003). *''Bush är underskattad i Europa och han är en skicklig politiker, även om vi inte tycker om hans politik. **Translation: Bush is underestimated in Europe and he is a skilled politician, even though we don't like his policies. **Said about U.S. President [[w:George W. Bush|George W. Bush]] and quoted in the Swedish newspaper ''[[w:Expressen|Expressen]]'' (November 2, 2004). *''Jag har trots allt läst på kemisk–teknisk linje på gymnasiet, så jag förstår vad det handlar om. **Translation: I have after all studied on the chemico-technical programme in high school, so I understand what it's all about. **Said about nuclear power in an interview the Swedish newspaper ''[[w:Svenska Dagbladet|Svenska Dagbladet]]'' ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Persson, Göran}} [[Category:Academics from Sweden]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of Sweden]] [[Category:Social democrats]] [[Category:Memoirists from Sweden]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] [[Category:Lutherans]] [[Category:1949 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Presidents of the European Council]] kn8f8yuu3ep1onqsydrtvd49jak2f2c 0 27913 3944481 3775440 2026-05-23T13:47:20Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944481 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Goddess of Democracy in CUHK 2.jpg|thumb|The project of organizing a democratic political movement entails the hope that one's ideas and beliefs are not merely idiosyncratic but speak to vital human needs, interests and desires, and therefore will be persuasive to many and ultimately most people. But this is a very different matter from deciding to put forward only those ideas presumed (accurately or not) to be compatible with what most people already believe.]] '''[[w:Ellen Willis|Ellen Willis]]''' ([[December 14]] [[1941]] – [[November 9]] [[2006]]) was an American essayist and critic. She was director of the cultural journalism program at [[w:New York University|New York University]] and co-founder of the feminist group [[w:Redstockings|Redstockings]]. She played an important role in the development of [[w:Sex-positive feminism|sex-positive feminism]]. ==Quotes == <!-- [[File:Ottawa neon Dairy Queen sign.jpg|thumb|The pleasure of eating an ice cream cone may be minor compared to the pleasure of meaningful, autonomous work, but the former is easily available and the latter is not.]] --> [[File:Children dancing, Geneva.jpg|thumb|My deepest impulses are optimistic; an attitude that seems to me as spiritually necessary and proper as it is intellectually suspect.]] [[File:Lingerie flickr.jpg|thumb|In practice, attempts to sort out good erotica from bad porn inevitably comes down to "What turns me on is erotic; what turns you on is pornographic."]] [[File:Drug Money and weapons seized by the Mexican Police and the DEA 2007.jpg|thumb|Prohibition is directly responsible for the power of crack dealers to terrorize whole neighborhoods.]] [[File:Cerny David Hergertova cihelna 2712.JPG|thumb|The crackpot rationalism of free-market economics merely relies on an abstract model of how people "must" behave.]] [[File:Sad Woman & Stockings.jpg|thumb|By definition, the conventional wisdom of the day is widely accepted, continually reiterated and regarded not as ideology but as reality itself. Rebelling against "reality," even when its limitations are clearly perceived, is always difficult.]] [[File:Pyramid of Capitalist System.jpg|thumb|The capitalist triumphalists are riding high on a wave of "prosperity" that has enriched a minority of the population while obscuring the long-term slippage of our standard of living and our quality of life.]] [[File:Grass of Happiness.jpg|thumb|A genuinely democratic society requires a secular ethos: one that does not equate morality with religion…]] [[File:LOC unattributed Ground Zero photos, September 11, 2001 - item 064.jpg|thumb| For a decade Americans have been steeped in the rhetoric of "zero tolerance" and the faith that virtually all problems from drug addiction to lousy teaching can be solved by pouring on the punishment. … To imagine that trauma casts out fantasy is a dangerous mistake.]] [[File:Bigdayout crowd2.jpg|thumb|Individuals bearing witness do not change history; only movements that understand their social world can do that.]] [[File:John Collier - Priestess of Bacchus.jpg|thumb|Individuals bearing witness cannot do the work of social movements, but they can break a corrosive and demoralizing silence.]] [[File:Freedom 1.jpg|thumb|The prospect of more freedom stirs anxiety. We want it, but we fear it…]] [[File:HomelessParis 7032101.jpg|thumb|Today, anxiety is a first principle of social life, and the right knows how to exploit it. Capital foments the insecurity that impels people to submit to its demands.]] * '''Under present conditions, people are preoccupied with consumer goods not because they are brainwashed but because buying is the one pleasurable activity not only permitted but actively encouraged by our rulers.''' The pleasure of eating an ice cream cone may be minor compared to the pleasure of meaningful, autonomous work, but the former is easily available and the latter is not. A poor family would undoubtedly rather have a decent apartment than a new TV, but since they are unlikely to get the apartment, what is to be gained by not getting the TV? ** [http://fair-use.org/ellen-willis/women-and-the-myth-of-consumerism "Women and the Myth of Consumerism", ''Ramparts'' (1969)] * '''There is a persistent myth that a wife has control over her husband’s money because she gets to spend it. Actually, she does not have much more financial authority than the employee of a corporation who is delegated to buy office furniture or supplies.''' The husband, especially if he is rich, may allow his wife wide latitude in spending — he may reason that since she has to work in the home she is entitled to furnish it to her taste, or he may simply not want to bother with domestic details — but he retains the ultimate veto power. If he doesn’t like the way his wife handles his money, she will hear about it. ** "Women and the Myth of Consumerism," ''Ramparts'' (1969) * '''[[Bob Dylan|Dylan]] is free now to work on his own terms. It would be foolish to predict what he will do next.''' But hopefully he will remain a mediator, using the language of pop to transcend it. If the gap between past and present continues to widen, such mediation may be crucial. '''In a communications crisis, the true prophets are the translators.''' ** "Dylan" in ''Representative Men : Cult Heroes of Our Time'' (1970) edited by Theodore L. Gross, collected in ''No More Nice Girls: Countercultural Essays'' (1992) *Despite its numerical insignificance, the anti-abortion left epitomizes the hypocrisy of the right-to-life crusade. Its need to wrap misogyny in the rhetoric of social conscience and even feminism is actually a perverse tribute to the women’s movement; it is no longer acceptable to declare openly that women deserve to suffer for the sin of Eve. I suppose that’s progress — not that it does the victims of the Hyde Amendment much good. **[https://www.villagevoice.com/ellen-willis-on-abortion/ "On Abortion"], ''Village Voice'' (1979) * Whatever their limitations, [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]] and [[Karl Marx|Marx]] developed complex and subtle theories of human nature grounded in their observation of individual and social behavior. '''The crackpot rationalism of free-market economics merely relies on an abstract model of how people "must" behave.''' ** Letter to ''The New York Times'' (27 February 1997) * '''The project of organizing a democratic political movement entails the hope that one's ideas and beliefs are not merely idiosyncratic but speak to vital human needs, interests and desires, and therefore will be persuasive to many and ultimately most people. But this is a very different matter from deciding to put forward only those ideas presumed (accurately or not) to be compatible with what most people already believe.''' ** [http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Political/Radical_Left.html "We Need a Radical Left", ''The Nation'' (29 June 1998)] * '''By definition, the conventional wisdom of the day is widely accepted, continually reiterated and regarded not as ideology but as reality itself. Rebelling against "reality," even when its limitations are clearly perceived, is always difficult.''' It means deciding things can be different and ought to be different; that your own perceptions are right and the experts and authorities wrong; that your discontent is legitimate and not merely evidence of selfishness, failure or refusal to grow up. Recognizing that "reality" is not inevitable makes it more painful; subversive thoughts provoke the urge to subversive action. But such action has consequences — '''rebels risk losing their jobs, failing in school, incurring the wrath of parents and spouses, suffering social ostracism. Often vociferous conservatism is sheer defensiveness: People are afraid to be suckers, to get their hopes up, to rethink their hard-won adjustments, to be branded bad or crazy.''' ** "We Need a Radical Left," ''The Nation'' (29 June 1998) * The idea that lack of paternal guidance can explain today's masculinity crisis doesn't make sense. I suspect rather that underneath the sons' charge that their fathers did not teach them how to be men lies another, unadmitted complaint — that their fathers taught them only too well how to be men, and they are choking on the lesson. These men, as boys, faced the age-old tradeoff: If you undergo the painful process of renouncing the "feminine" aspects of your humanity and follow your father into manhood (and what choice do you have, really?) you will share in the spoils of the superior half of the race. Now, as men, they find that the spoils are far more meager than expected. No wonder they feel betrayed. ** [http://www.thenation.com/article/how-now-iron-johns/ "How Now, Iron Johns?", ''The Nation'' (13 December 1999)] * '''Surely we have had enough of confusing maleness with "usefulness" and other human virtues.''' If men had a more modest view of what their masculinity ought to entail, perhaps they could move on from debilitating feelings of loss to tackling their real economic and political problems. ** "How Now, Iron Johns?", ''The Nation'' (13 December 1999) * Today the changes that are generating enormous inequality, progressively destroying "real jobs" with security and benefits, demanding longer and longer hours and at least two incomes per household as prerequisites for a minimally middle-class existence, and depriving people of control over their work even in the professional classes are taking place in the absence of any credible opposition to the free-market dogma that rules the day. On the contrary, '''the capitalist triumphalists are riding high on a wave of "prosperity" that has enriched a minority of the population while obscuring the long-term slippage of our standard of living and our quality of life.''' ** "How Now, Iron Johns?", ''The Nation'' (13 December 1999) * More and more I am coming to the conviction that [[w:Roe v. Wade|Roe vs. Wade]], in the guise of a great victory, has been in some respects a disaster for feminism. We might be better off today if it had never happened, and we had had to continue a state-by-state political fight. Roe vs. Wade resulted in a lot of women declaring victory and going home. In the meantime we have been losing abortion rights on the ground, both in terms of access and funding and on the ideological and psychological levels. ** [http://archive.salon.com/politics/feature/2000/11/06/willis/index.html "Vote for Ralph Nader!"], ''Salon'' (6 November 2000) * '''A genuinely democratic society requires a secular ethos: one that does not equate morality with religion, stigmatize atheists, defer to religious interests and aims over others or make religious belief an informal qualification for public office.''' Of course, secularism in the latter sense is not mandated by the First Amendment. It's a matter of sensibility, not law. ** [http://www.thenation.com/article/freedom-religion/ "Freedom from Religion", ''The Nation'' (19 February 2001)] * If believers feel that their faith is trivialized and their true selves compromised by a society that will not give religious imperatives special weight, their problem is not that secularists are antidemocratic but that '''democracy is antiabsolutist.''' ** "Freedom from Religion" in ''The Nation'' (19 February 2001) * '''For democrats, it's as crucial to defend secular culture as to preserve secular law.''' And in fact the two projects are inseparable: When religion defines morality, the wall between church and state comes to be seen as immoral. ** "Freedom from Religion," ''The Nation'' (19 February 2001) * '''In its original literal sense, "moral [[relativism]]" is simply moral complexity. That is, anyone who agrees that stealing a loaf of bread to feed one's children is not the moral equivalent of, say, shoplifting a dress for the fun of it, is a relativist of sorts.''' But in recent years, conservatives bent on reinstating an essentially religious vocabulary of absolute good and evil as the only legitimate framework for discussing social values have redefined "relative" as "arbitrary." That conflation has been reinforced by social theorists and advocates of identity politics who argue that there is no universal morality, only the value systems of particular cultures and power structures. From this perspective, the psychoanalytic – and by extension the psychotherapeutic – worldview is not relativist at all. Its values are honesty, self-knowledge, assumption of responsibility for the whole of what one does, freedom from inherited codes of family, church, tribe in favor of a universal humanism: in other words, the values of the Enlightenment, as revised and expanded by Freud's critique of scientific rationalism for ignoring the power of unconscious desire. ** [https://www.thenation.com/article/our-mobsters-ourselves/ "Our Mobsters, Ourselves", ''The Nation'' (2 April 2001)] * The Democratic power elite on some level feels delegitimized by its working-class, black and female constituencies. What it wants are the "legitimate" votes of suburban, white, middle-class, affluent males. Even liberal voters and organizations tend on some tacit level to accept the idea that they are not the "real" Americans the Democrats must pursue. ** [http://nova.wpunj.edu/newpolitics/issue31/willis31.htm "The Democrats and Left Masochism", ''New Politics,'' Vol. 8, No. 3, issue #31 (Summer 2001)] * '''A triumphalist corporate capitalism, free at last of the specter of Communism, has mobilized its economic power to relentlessly marginalize all nonmarket values; to subordinate every aspect of American life to corporate "efficiency" and the bottom line; to demonize not only government but the very idea of public service and public goods.''' ** [http://www.thenation.com/doc/20011015/willis "Dreaming of War"], ''The Nation'' (15 October 2001) * The notion that there might be any need for, or possibility of, profound changes in the institutions that shape American life work, family, technology, the primacy of the car and the single-family house — is foreign to the mainstream media that define our common sense. And so conflicts that cannot be addressed politically have expressed themselves by other means. From public psychodramas like the [[w:O. J. Simpson|O. J. Simpson]] trial, the [[w:Monica Lewinsky|Lewinsky]] scandal and Columbine to disaster movies, talk shows and "reality TV," popular culture carries the burden of our emotions about race, feminism, sexual morality, youth culture, wealth, competition, exclusion, a physical and social environment that feels out of control. ** "Dreaming of War," ''The Nation'' (15 October 2001) * '''For a decade Americans have been steeped in the rhetoric of "zero tolerance" and the faith that virtually all problems from drug addiction to lousy teaching can be solved by pouring on the punishment.''' Even without a Commander in Chief who pledges to rid the world of evildoers, smoke them out of their holes and the like, we would be vulnerable to the temptation to brush aside frustrating complexities and relieve intolerable fear (at least for the moment) by settling on one or more scapegoats to crush. '''To imagine that trauma casts out fantasy is a dangerous mistake.''' ** "Dreaming of War," ''The Nation'' (15 October 2001) * The will to power is the will to ecstasy is the will to surrender is the will to submit and, in extremis, to die. Or to put it another way, '''the rage to attain a freedom and happiness one's psyche cannot accept creates enormous anxiety and ends in self-punishing despair.''' ** [http://dir.salon.com/story/books/feature/2003/03/25/willis/index.html Review of ''Terror and Liberalism'' by Paul Berman], ''Salon'' (25 March 2003) * '''Can the high level of violence in patriarchal cultures be attributed to people's chronic, if largely unconscious, rage over the denial of their freedom and pleasure?''' To what extent is sanctioned or officially condoned violence — from war and capital punishment to lynching, wife-beating and the rape of "bad" women to harsh penalties for "immoral" activities like drug-taking and nonmarital sex to the religious and ideological persecution of totalitarian states — in effect a socially approved outlet for expressing that rage, as well as a way of relieving guilt by projecting one's own unacceptable desires onto scapegoats? ** [http://journalism.nyu.edu/faculty/files/Willis-The%20Mass%20Psychology%20of%20Terrorism.pdf "The Mass Psychology of Terrorism" from ''Implicating Empire,'' edited by Stanley Aronowitz, Heather Gautney and Clyde W. Barrow (2003)] * '''In practice, attempts to sort out good erotica from bad porn inevitably comes down to "What turns me on is erotic; what turns you on is pornographic."''' ** "[http://www2.ucsc.edu/culturalstudies/EVENTS/Spring09/Rubin-%20Willis%20-%20Feminism,%20Moralism%20&%20Porn.pdf Feminism, Moralism, and Pornography" (1979)] * '''I believe in the separation of sex and state.''' I also believe that social benefits like health insurance should not be privileges bestowed by marital status but should be available to all as individuals. Marriage, in the sense of a ceremonial commitment of people to merge their lives, is properly a social ritual reflecting religious or personal conviction, and should not have legal status. "Sanctity" is a religious category that is, or ought to be, irrelevant to secular law. The purpose of civil unions should be to establish parental rights and responsibilities, grant next-of-kin status for such purposes as medical decisions and insure equity in matters of property distribution and taxes. Such unions should be available to any two — or more — adults, regardless of gender. ** From [http://web.archive.org/web/20060908135418/http://www.thenation.com/doc/20040705/forum2 "Can Marriage Be Saved: A Forum", ''The Nation'' (5 July 2004)] * To say that historical conditions made personal life possible, and with it the self-consciousness that allowed psychoanalysis to emerge, is to tell half the story: one also has to consider that the erotic impulse, ever pressing for satisfaction, had something to do with making the history that encouraged its expression. ** [http://journalism.nyu.edu/faculty/files/willis-zaretsky.pdf "Historical Analysis"], ''Dissent'' (Winter 2005) * '''Individuals bearing witness do not change history; only movements that understand their social world can do that.''' Movements encourage solidarity; the moral individual is likely, all unwittingly, to do the opposite, for bearing witness is lonely: it breeds feelings of superiority and moralistic anger against those who are not doing the same. ** [http://www.wpunj.edu/~newpol/issue39/Willis39.htm "Three Elegies for Susan Sontag", ''New Politics'' (Summer 2005), Vol. X, No. 3] * '''Individuals bearing witness cannot do the work of social movements, but they can break a corrosive and demoralizing silence.''' ** "Three Elegies for [[Susan Sontag]]," ''New Politics'' (Summer 2005), Vol. X, No. 3 * Some conservatives have expressed outrage that the views of professors are at odds with the views of students, as if ideas were entitled to be represented in proportion to their popularity and students were entitled to professors who share their political or social values. '''One of the more important functions of college — that it exposes young people to ideas and arguments they have not encountered at home — is redefined as a problem.''' ** [http://www.utexas.edu/conferences/africa/ads/1124.html "The Pernicious Concept of 'Balance'"], ''The Chronicle of Higher Education'' (9 September 2005) * It’s not only corruption that distorts the utopian impulse when it begins to take some specific social shape. '''The prospect of more freedom stirs anxiety. We want it, but we fear it'''; it goes against our most deeply ingrained Judeo-Christian definitions of morality and order. At bottom, utopia equals death is a statement about the wages of sin. ** [http://www.dissentmagazine.org/article/?article=190 "Ghosts, Fantasies, and Hope"] ''Dissent'' (Fall 2005) * '''Today, anxiety is a first principle of social life, and the right knows how to exploit it. Capital foments the insecurity that impels people to submit to its demands.''' And yet there are more Americans than ever before who have tasted certain kinds of social freedoms and, whether they admit it or not, don’t want to give them up or deny them to others. From [[Bill Clinton]]’s impeachment to the [[w:Terri Schiavo|Terri Schiavo]] case, the public has resisted the right wing’s efforts to close the deal on the culture. Not coincidentally, the cultural debates, however attenuated, still conjure the ghosts of utopia by raising issues of personal autonomy, power, and the right to enjoy rather than slog through life. In telling contrast, the contemporary left has not posed class questions in these terms; on the contrary, it has ceded the language of freedom and pleasure, "opportunity" and "ownership," to the libertarian right. ** "Ghosts, Fantasies, and Hope," ''Dissent'' (Fall 2005) * The public's continuing ambivalence about cultural matters is all the more striking given that the political conversation on these issues has for 30 years been dominated by an aggressive, radical right-wing insurgency that has achieved an influence far out of proportion to its numbers. Its potent secret weapon has been the guilt and anxiety about desire that inform the character of Americans regardless of ideology; appealing to those largely unconscious emotions, the right has disarmed, intimidated, paralyzed its opposition. ** [http://journalism.nyu.edu/faculty/files/willis-tomfrank.pdf "Escape from Freedom"], ''Situations: Project of the Radical Imagination, Vol 1, No 2'' (2006) * The goal of the right is not to stop abortion but to demonize it, punish it and make it as difficult and traumatic as possible. All this it has accomplished fairly well, even without overturning ''[[w:Roe v. Wade|Roe v. Wade]]''. ** "Escape from Freedom," ''Situations: Project of the Radical Imagination, Vol 1, No 2'' (2006) * '''Take back the night? How can women take back the night when they've never had it?''' ** From a conversation with Alice Echols, quoted by Echols in [http://www.thenation.com/doc/20061127/ellen_willis "Ellen Willis, 1941-2006"], ''The Nation'' (10 November 2006) ===''Beginning To See the Light: Pieces of a Decade'' (1981)=== * '''My education was dominated by modernist thinkers and artists who taught me that the supreme imperative was courage to face the awful truth, to scorn the soft-minded optimism of religious and secular romantics as well as the corrupt optimism of governments, advertisers, and mechanistic or manipulative revolutionaries. I learned that lesson well''' (though it came too late to wholly supplant certain critical opposing influences, like comic books and rock-and-roll). Yet the modernists’ once-subversive refusal to be gulled or lulled has long since degenerated into a ritual despair at least as corrupt, soft-minded, and cowardly — not to say smug — as the false cheer it replaced. '''The terms of the dialectic have reversed: now the subversive task is to affirm an authentic post-modernist optimism that gives full weight to existent horror and possible (or probable) apocalyptic disaster, yet insists — credibly — that we can, well, overcome. The catch is that you have to be an optimist (an American?) in the first place not to dismiss such a project as insane.''' ("Tom Wolfe's Failed Optimism" 1977) * '''My deepest impulses are optimistic; an attitude that seems to me as spiritually necessary and proper as it is intellectually suspect.''' ("Tom Wolfe's Failed Optimism" 1977) * There are two kinds of sex, classical and baroque. '''Classical sex is romantic, profound, serious, emotional, moral, mysterious, spontaneous, abandoned, focused on a particular person, and stereotypically feminine. Baroque sex is pop, playful, funny, experimental, conscious, deliberate, amoral, anonymous, focused on sensation for sensation's sake, and stereotypically masculine.''' The classical mentality taken to an extreme is sentimental and finally puritanical; the baroque mentality taken to an extreme is pornographic and finally obscene. '''Ideally, a sexual relation ought to create a satisfying tension between the two modes (a baroque idea, particularly if the tension is ironic) or else blend them so well that the distinction disappears (a classical aspiration).''' ("Classical and Baroque Sex in Everyday Life" 1979) *To regard marriage and singleness simply as “options,” or even as situations equally favorable to men and oppressive to women, misses the point. The institution of the family, and the people who enforce its rules and uphold its values, define the lives of both married and single people, just as capitalism defines the lives of workers and dropouts alike. The family system divides us up into insiders and outsiders; as insiders married people are more likely to identify with the established order, and when they do they are not simply expressing a personal preference but taking a political stand. The issue, finally, is whether we have the right to hope for a freer, more humane way of connecting with each other. Defenders of the family seem to think that we have already gone too far, that the problem of this painful and confusing time is too much freedom. I think there’s no such thing as too much freedom — only too little nerve. ([https://www.villagevoice.com/the-family-love-it-or-leave-it/ "The Family: Love It or Leave It"] 1979) *Any useful discussion of black-Jewish conflict must begin by acknowledging two basic realities. One is that American Jews are white and predominantly middle class, and so tend to have a white middle-class perspective on racial issues. The other is that blacks are part of the gentile majority and so tend to share the misconceptions about Jews and the overt or unconscious anti-Jewish attitudes that permeate our culture. Unfortunately, neither group has been eager to accept its share of responsibility for the conflict. If Jews have often minimized their privileges and denied or rationalized their racism, blacks have regularly dismissed Jewish protest against anti-Semitism in the black community as at best oversensitivity, at worst racist par­anoia. And in the end, guess who benefits from all the bitterness? Hint: the answer isn’t blacks or Jews. ([https://www.villagevoice.com/the-black-jewish-conflict-part-ii-the-myth-of-the-powerful-jew/ "The Black-Jewish Conflict, Part II: The Myth of the Powerful Jew"] 1979) ====Introduction==== * Mass consumption, advertising, and mass art are a corporate Frankenstein; while they reinforce the system, they also undermine it. By continually pushing the message that we have the right to gratification ''now'', consumerism at its most expansive encouraged a demand for fulfillment that could not so easily be contained by products… *I think the craving for freedom for self-determination, in the most literal sense is a basic impulse that can be suppressed but never eliminated. *To be anticapitalist is not enough. Socialist regimes have attacked the grosser forms of economic inequality, yet in terms of the larger struggle for freedom, socialism in practice has been, if anything, a devastating counterrevolution against the liberal concept of individual rights. *The colonized people who have contributed to the enrichment of the capitalist West share neither its prosperity nor its relative freedom. And the imperatives of the marketplace set people against each other; the comforts of middle-class life are bought at the expense of the poor, liberty at the expense of community. *On one level the sixties revolt was an impressive illustration of [[Lenin]]'s remark that the capitalist will sell you the rope to hang him with. *[[Art]] that succeeds manages to evade or transcend or turn to its own purposes the strictures imposed on the artist; on the deepest level it is the enemy of authority, as [[Plato]] understood. Mass art is no exception. *it is the longing for happiness that is potentially radical, while the morality of sacrifice is an age-old weapon of rulers. I don't mean to suggest that social revolution can be painless-only that there is no reason to go through the pain if not, finally, to affirm our right to pleasure. In the meantime we have to live our lives, which means living with the contradictions of a system built on the premise that one must continually choose-insofar as one has a choice-to be either an oppressor or a victim. So long as that system exists, our pleasures will be guilty, our suffering self-righteous, our glimpses of freedom ambiguous and elusive. *as realities get grimmer, the possibilities tend to be forgotten. ===''No More Nice Girls: Countercultural Essays'' (1992)=== * While liberals appeared to be safely in power, feminists could perhaps afford the luxury of defining [[Larry Flynt]] or [[Roman Polanski]] as Enemy Number One. Now that we have to cope with [[Jerry Falwell]] and [[Jesse Helms]], a rethinking of priorities seems in order. ("Lust Horizons: Is the Woman's Movement Pro-Sex?" 1981) * These apparently opposed perspectives meet on the common ground of sexual conservatism. The monogamists uphold the traditional wife's "official" values: emotional commitment is inseparable from a legal/moral obligation to permanence and fidelity; men are always trying to escape these duties; it's in our interest to make them shape up. The separatists tap into the underside of traditional femininity — the bitter, self-righteous fury that propels the indictment of men as lustful beasts ravaging their chaste victims. '''These are the two faces of feminine ideology in a patriarchal culture: they induce women to accept a spurious moral superiority as a substitute for sexual pleasure, and curbs on men's sexual freedom as a substitute for real power.''' ("Lust Horizons: Is the Woman's Movement Pro-Sex?" 1981) *Often men's impulses to coerce and degrade women seem to express not a confident assumption of dominance but a desire to retaliate for feelings of rejection, humiliation, and impotence: as many men see it, they need women sexually more than women need them, an intolerable balance of power. ("Toward a Feminist Sexual Revolution") *one exasperating example of how easy it is to obliterate history is that [[Betty Friedan]] can now get away with the outrageous claim that radical feminist "extremism" turned women off and derailed the movement she built. Radical feminism turned women on, by the thousands. ("Radical Feminism and Feminist Radicalism" 1984) *The logic of competing oppressions does not heal divisions but intensifies them, since it invites endless and absurd extension — for every person who has no shoes, there is al­ways someone who has no feet...White women will not become com­mitted allies of black women because they’re told that their own suffering is unimportant. What white women must be convinced of is that it’s impossible to have it both ways — ­that the privileges we cling to are an insuperable obstacle to the freedom and equal­ity we long for. We need to learn this lesson again and again. Good books help. ([https://www.villagevoice.com/sister-under-the-skin-confronting-race-and-sex/ "Sisters Under the Skin: Confronting Race and Sex"] 1982) *I think it makes sense to look on violence as a tragic last resort, to ask of any violent act that it be necessary to prevent physical destruction or soul-destroying violation, and that it be directed as narrowly as possible to those most responsible for the conflict. I'm glad the French resistance used terror against the Germans-and I think our bombing of Dresden was a war crime. (“Ministries of Fear” 1985) *the remedy is not to apologize for Rushdie's book, or qualify the protests. It's to keep emphasizing that the struggle against our own brand of fundamentalism is far from won-ask any American librarian, science teacher, or abortion clinic head-and that the virulence of Khomeini's attack on Rushdie reflects, among other things, conflict between fundamentalists and modernists within the Moslem world. (“In Defense of Offense” 1989) *There were secularists, democrats, liberals, and feminists in Iran before Khomeini killed or exiled them; there are secularists, democrats, liberals, and feminists in other Islamic countries; and there are immigrants like [[Salman Rushdie]], who have voted with their feet for a freer life. Are they all tools of Western imperialism, poisoned by Satan, as the ayatollah would say? (“In Defense of Offense”) *Most of us felt about the sexual revolution what [[Gandhi]] reputedly thought of Western civilization-that it would be a good idea. (“Coming Down Again” 1989) *The point of [[drugs]], for me, was always the eternal moment when you felt like Jesus's son (and gender be damned); when you found your center, which is another word for sanity or, I assume, sobriety as Faith understands it. But I never found a drug that would guarantee me that moment, or even a more vulgar euphoria: acid, grass, speed, coke, even Quaaludes (I've never tried heroin), all were unpredictable, potentially treacherous, as likely to concentrate anxiety as to blow it away. Context was all-important-set and setting, as they called it in those days. My emotional state, amplified or undercut by the collective emotional atmosphere, made the difference between a good trip, a bad trip, or no trip at all. For me, the ability to get high (I don't mean only on drugs) flourished in the atmosphere of abandon that defined the '60s-that pervasive cultural invitation to leap boundaries, challenge limits, try anything, want everything, overload the senses, let go. (“Coming Down Again” 1989) * '''The drug war has nothing to do with making communities livable or creating a decent future for black kids. On the contrary, prohibition is directly responsible for the power of crack dealers to terrorize whole neighborhoods.''' And every cent spent on the cops, investigators, bureaucrats, courts, jails, weapons, and tests required to feed the drug-war machine is a cent not spent on reversing the social policies that have destroyed the cities, nourished racism, and laid the groundwork for crack culture. ([http://www.villagevoice.com/2005/10/18/hell-no-i-wont-go/ "Hell No, I Won't Go: End the War on Drugs" 1989]) * '''The centerpiece of the cultural counterrevolution is the snowballing campaign for a "drug-free workplace" — a euphemism for "drug-free workforce," since urine testing also picks up for off-duty indulgence.''' The purpose of this '80s version of the loyalty oath is less to deter drug use than to make people undergo a humiliating ritual of subordination: "When I say pee, you pee." '''The idea is to reinforce the principle that one must forfeit one's dignity and privacy to earn a living, and bring back the good old days when employers had the unquestioned right to demand that their workers' appearance and behavior, on or off the job, meet management's standards.''' ([http://www.villagevoice.com/2005/10/18/hell-no-i-wont-go/ "Hell No, I Won't Go: End the War on Drugs" 1989]) *Pleasure. Does it sound like a dirty word to you? No wonder, given how relentlessly it's been attacked not only by puritanical conservatives but by liberals who uncritically accept the Reaganite equation of pleasure with greed and callousness. (I think, for instance, of a recent newspaper article that described our society as a snake pit of "crime, violence, poverty and hedonism.") Yet life without pleasure-without spontaneity and playfulness, sexuality and sensuality, esthetic experience, surprise, excitement, ecstasy-is a kind of death. People deprived of pleasure don't get kinder and gentler but meaner and nastier. Indeed, it's not an excess of pleasure but pleasure-starvation on a mass scale that we have to thank for the rampant piggishness and urban violence that plague us. (Epilogue: The Neo-Guilt Trip) ====Introduction: Identity Crisis==== *For my generation, formed equally by the liberating exuberance of rock and roll and the imperial brutality of Vietnam, the question of where we stood on America was inescapable. Was this nation (it!) the enemy, tyrannical abroad, hopelessly racist at home, and in the process of choking to death on a glut of consumer goods? Or were we (we!), however corrupted by various forms of power, still the source of a vital democratic impulse that fed cultural dissidence and subverted authoritarian values all over the world? I took the latter position, and through the '6os and '7os, exploring its paradoxes was a central concern of my writing. *the cultural right has redefined the American project as closing the frontier. Frustrated that their political power has not translated into cultural hegemony, conservatives are methodically attacking cultural institutions-particularly the universities and the arts--Ostensibly for being subverted by radicals, but actually for their persistent liberalism, especially that mushy pluralistic habit of allowing cultural dissidents on the premises. The right, very simply, wants us out of America's public life: the First Amendment may protect our right to rant, but only if we can do it without money and without space. *Though self-definition is the necessary starting point for any liberation movement, it can take us only so far. The most obvious drawback of identity politics is its logic of fragmentation into ever smaller and more particularist groups: the fracturing of the radical feminist movement along class and gay-straight lines (the racial divide having kept most black women out of the movement to begin with) is the sobering paradigm. What's at stake here, however, is not only the pragmatic question (crucial as it is) of how to avoid being divided and conquered, but our understanding of what it means to be a principled radical...Almost from the beginning, second wave feminism was a study in the limits of the identity politics it did so much to promote. *radicals need to recreate a politics that emphasizes our common humanity, to base our social theory and practice on principles that apply to us all. ===''Don't Think, Smile!: Notes on a Decade of Denial'' (1999)=== *[[Optimism]] of the will and, if possible, the intellect as well-is the engine of emancipation. ("Race and the Ordeal of Liberal Optimism") *Globalism erodes national and cultural boundaries at both the top and the bottom of the class hierarchy, encouraging the formation of a multiracial, multi-cultural, cosmopolitan elite as well as a multiracial, multicultural, migratory labor force. ("Race and the Ordeal of Liberal Optimism") *the real divide between the "politically correct" and their antagonists on the right is not free speech but equality. Heavily invested in a conception of freedom as a property right, including the right to fight for or maintain dominance in social hierarchies, conservatives have historically viewed any form of government-mandated social equality as tyranny. As the anti-P.C. shock troops see it, the right to engage in what others might call verbal bigotry is not only freedom of speech, but the substance of freedom itself, and so they often cross the line between merely defending its legality and tacitly or openly encouraging it. ("Freedom, Power, and Speech") *At its core, [[feminism]] is about freedom: seeking women's self-determination in private as well as public life; asserting women's individual human subjecthood against the pervasive social understanding of woman as a natural resource that exists for the benefit of men and children. Radical feminists, asking what impeded that freedom, developed an analysis of men's collective power over women. As the critique of male power is increasingly unmoored from a commitment to women's freedom-and used instead to "protect," that is, control us - it is easy to forget that these concerns once merged to create the most dynamic cultural radical movement in modern history. In one generation, feminism irreversibly shattered the culture's common sense about sex and gender. We called that process consciousness-raising. What we meant, first of all, was that we had found our voices, seized our freedom-and our power-of speech. ("Freedom, Power, and Speech") ====Preface: The Majoritarian Fallacy==== note from book: "An earlier version appeared as [http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Political/Radical_Left.html "We Need a ''Radical'' Left"] in ''The Nation'', June 29, 1998." *American left politics, when successful, has generally worked this way: as radical ideas gain currency beyond their original advocates, they mutate into multiple forms. Groups representing different class, racial, ethnic, political, and cultural constituencies respond to the new movement with varying degrees of support or criticism and end up adapting its ideas to their own agendas. With these modifications, the movement's popularity spreads, putting pressure on existing power relations. Liberal reformers then mediate the process of dilution, containment, and "co-optation" whereby radical ideas that won't go away are incorporated into the system through new laws, policies, and court decisions. The essential dynamic here is a good cop/bad cop routine in which the liberals dismiss the radicals as impractical sectarian extremists, promote their own "responsible" proposals as an alternative, and take the credit for whatever change results. The good news is that this process does bring about significant change. The bad news is that by denying the legitimacy of radicalism it misleads people about how change takes place, rewrites history, and obliterates memory. It also leaves people sadly unprepared for the inevitable backlash. Once the radicals who were a real threat to the existing order have been marginalized, the right sees its opportunity to fight back. Conservatives in their turn become the insurgent minority, winning support by appealing to the still potent influence of the old "reality," decrying the tensions and disruptions that accompany social change, and promoting their own vision of prosperity and social order. Instead of seriously contesting their ideas, liberals try to placate them and cut deals, which only incites them to push further. Desperate to avoid isolation, the liberal left keeps retreating, moving its goal post toward the center, where "ordinary people" supposedly reside; but as yesterday's center becomes today's left, the entire debate shifts to the right. And in the end, despite all their efforts to stay "relevant," the liberals are themselves hopelessly marginalized. This has been our sorry situation since 1994. *No mass left-wing movement has ever been built on a majoritarian strategy. On the contrary, every such movement-socialism, populism, labor, civil rights, feminism, gay rights, ecology-has begun with a visionary minority whose ideas were at first decried as impractical, ridiculous, crazy, dangerous, and/or immoral. *Recognizing that “reality” is not inevitable makes it more painful; subversive thoughts provoke the urge to subversive action. But such action has consequences-rebels risk losing their jobs, failing in school, incurring the wrath of parents and spouses, suffering social ostracism. Often vociferous conservatism is sheer defensiveness: people are afraid to be suckers, to get their hopes up, to rethink their hard-won adjustments, to be branded bad or crazy. *The perceived conflict between class and cultural politics arises not because they are intrinsically incompatible but because majoritarian leftists have uncritically equated the cultural values of workers and "ordinary people" with their historically dominant voices: white, straight, male, and morally conservative. *the weight of my experience leads me to suspect that in my desire for a freer, saner, and more pleasurable way of life, I am not so different from most people, American or otherwise, as it might presently appear. It is this hopeful suspicion that keeps me writing. ====I. Decade of Denial==== *What can "American democracy" mean when no one even bothers to hide the fact that economic policy is made, not by elected officials accountable to their constituencies, but by the croupiers of global capital's floating crap game? *On a world scale, militant nationalism has followed economic globalism as surely as it once followed colonialism; but while it has served as an outlet for strong and deadly emotions, it has never solved the economic and social problems that provoked it. *Only movements with particular social visions and practical goals can give faith a concrete, real-world shape == Quotes about Willis == *In the 1980s, [[Ellen Willis]] led the so-called pro-sex radical feminists in their heated challenge to the antipornography movement. Countering the arguments of Andrea Dworkin, Catharine MacKinnon, and others that "sexual liberation is a male supremacist plot, Willis proclaimed that sexual liberation was the keystone of broader social and cultural change. **[[Joyce Antler]] ''Jewish Radical Feminism: Voices from the Women’s Liberation Movement'' (2020) *Ellen Willis is the single most important exponent of cultural radicalism in America today. I agree with her; I disagree with her; I am always stimulated. **[[Paul Berman]] blurb for Don't Think, Smile!: Notes on a Decade of Denial (1999) * One of the last times I saw Ellen, she gave me a copy of ''Beginning to See the Light'', with an inscription on the title page. It reads “'''To sex, hope, and rock and roll and whatever that means today.'''” The modesty of this simple quote is indicative of the breadth of her influence as a writer. She knew what sex, hope and rock and roll was today, but she wanted me to find out for myself. ** Chris O'Connell, in [http://www.popmatters.com/pm/feature/sex-hope-and-rock-and-roll-a-conversation-with-ellen-willis/ "Sex, Hope and Rock and Roll : A Conversation with Ellen Willis" (7 January 2007)] *Her essays combine passion and moral clarity, anger and a steady commitment to having fun. Best of all, she channels the secret ecstatic undercurrents of late twentieth century American popular culture, which we need now more than ever. **[[Barbara Ehrenreich]] blurb for The Essential Ellen Willis (2014) *The name Ellen Willis is synonymous with political intelligence. Her cultural criticism is lucid, unerring, and important. The down-to-earth logic with which she argues a left-libertarian position is, in the final analysis, something visionary. **[[J. Hoberman]] blurb for Don't Think, Smile!: Notes on a Decade of Denial (1999) *Ellen Willis, who died in November at the age of 64, was such a unique and wonderful set of contradictions—or seeming contradictions. She was a staunchly radical feminist who believed in pleasure, happiness, and freedom. She was a fierce polemicist on the page who, in person, was often painfully shy. She loved long nineteenth-century novels, but was an ardent reader of the tabloids. She was one of the most instinctively ethical people I have ever known, and yet she hated any hint of sanctimony or self-righteousness. She was a dyed-in-the-wool bohemian who was obsessed with real estate—which is to say, she was a true New Yorker. And for me, part of the fun, and the adventure, of being Ellen’s friend and colleague was discovering that these disparate characteristics weren’t really contradictions at all: that somehow, in her inimitable way, she had put all the pieces together…Much has been written about the merging of high and low culture, but Ellen really lived that mix. She approached just about everything—[[George Eliot]] and [[The Sopranos]], [[Herbert Marcuse]] and [[Lou Reed]]—with equal thoughtfulness, seriousness, dignity, and care. Ellen lacked both pretense and condescension. Her writings on pop culture weren’t a form of slumming; she genuinely—though not naively—believed in the emancipatory possibilities of the demotic, because she had experienced them herself. And though Ellen, like so many of us, was increasingly alienated from the culture in which she lived, she never became a mandarin. (In a 2005 piece, she chided [[Susan Sontag]] as a “curmudgeon” with a “free-floating animus” toward pop.) Up until almost the moment of Ellen’s death, the world, and its possibilities, held her interest… **Susie Linfield [https://www.dissentmagazine.org/article/a-remembrance-of-ellen-willis/ “A Remembrance of Ellen Willis”] (2007) *Ellen Willis has always been one of the sharpest political writers on the left...one of the most profound as well. **[[Katha Pollitt]] blurb for Don't Think, Smile!: Notes on a Decade of Denial (1999) *Through brilliant, often polemical, writings, the feminist and educator Ellen Willis, who has died of lung cancer aged 64, was central to the cultural debates and political controversies of the United States over nearly four decades...Willis brought lucidity and style to the most controversial and baffling cultural issues—her thought was a beacon of clarity. For those of us fortunate enough to have been her comrades, anticipating her insights was part of what kept us returning to meetings month after month, year after year. **[[Alix Kates Shulman]] [https://jwa.org/weremember/willis-ellen remembrance] for Jewish Women's Archive *Like other eminent polemical writers, Willis has always had the knack of turning radical ideas into common sense. **[[Andrew Ross]] blurb for Don't Think, Smile!: Notes on a Decade of Denial (1999) *Ellen Willis was one of the few great critics of her generation. She was theoretically sophisticated, historically informed, and courageous in her commitment to freedom. Her prose was lyrical and melodic, and she was always unsettling! **[[Cornel West]] blurb for The Essential Ellen Willis (2014) *Fearless, sweet reason, exacting style, and an unbounded sensuous spirit make Ellen Willis's radical essays among the finest that America has ever produced. **[[Sean Wilentz]] blurb for The Essential Ellen Willis (2014) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://ellenwillis.tumblr.com Ellen Willis online archives] *[http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/10/arts/10willis.html?ex=1320814800&en=7df5ac657f731a9e&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss "Ellen Willis, 64, Journalist and Feminist, Dies" by Margalit Fox, ''New York Times'' (10 November 2006)] * [http://dissentmagazine.org/article/?article=756 "A Remembrance of Ellen Willis" by Susie Linfield, ''Dissent'' (Winter 2007)] * [http://www.thenation.com/doc/20061127/ellen_willis "Ellen Willis, 1941-2006", ''The Nation'' (10 November 2006)] *[http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-willis15nov15,1,5931964.story?ctrack=1&cset=true "Ellen Willis, 64; radical critic targeted foibles wherever she saw them, on the left or right" by Jocelyn Y. Stewart, ''Los Angeles Times'' (15 November 2006)] * [http://nyobserver.com/20061120/20061120_Suzy_Hansen_media_newsstory1.asp "Remembering Ellen Willis, Rock 'n' Roll Feminist Superhero" by Suzy Hansen, ''New York Observer'' (20 November 2006)] * [http://www.sevendaysvt.com/nc/columns/poli-psy-psyche/2006/ellen-willis-1942-2006.html "Ellen Willis, 1942-2006" by Judith Levine, ''Seven Days'' (22 November 2006)] * [http://thephoenix.com/article_ektid28507.aspx "My Ellen Willis" by Michael Bronski, ''The Boston Phoenix'' (30 November 2006)] * [https://www.popmatters.com/sex-hope-and-rock-and-roll-a-conversation-with-ellen-willis-2495776535.html "Sex, Hope and Rock and Roll: A Conversation with Ellen Willis" by Chris O'Connell, ''Pop Matters'' (8 January 2007)] * [http://thecommonills.blogspot.com/2006/11/ellen-willis.html "Ellen Willis Remembered" ''The Common Ills'' (11 November 2006)] * [http://journalism.nyu.edu/search.html?q=Ellen%20Willis Ellen Willis links at NYU] ; Essays by Ellen Willis * [http://www.dissentmagazine.org/article/?article=716 "We Remember Ellen Willis", ''Dissent'' (Fall 2006)] * [http://www.historyisaweapon.com/defcon1/willisletter.html "Ellen Willis's Reply" (1968)] * [http://fair-use.org/ellen-willis/women-and-the-myth-of-consumerism "Women and the Myth of Consumerism", ''Ramparts'' (1969)] * [http://www.villagevoice.com/specials/0543,50thwillis,69282,31.html "Hell No, I Won't Go: End the War on Drugs", ''Village Voice'' (19 September 1989)] * [http://www.thirdworldtraveler.com/Political/Radical_Left.html "We Need a Radical Left", ''The Nation'' (29 June 1998)] * [http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4196/is_19990321/ai_n10501975 "Monica and Barbara and Primal Concerns", ''New York Times'' (14 March 1999)] * [http://archive.salon.com/politics/feature/2000/11/06/willis/index.html "Vote for Ralph Nader!", ''Salon'' (6 November 2000)] * [http://www.wpunj.edu/newpol/issue31/willis31.htm "The Democrats and Left Masochism", ''New Politics'' #31 (new series) (Summer 2001)] * [http://web.archive.org/web/20060908135418/http://www.thenation.com/doc/20040705/forum2 "Can Marriage Be Saved?: A Forum" (II), ''The Nation'' (17 June 2004)] * [http://www.utexas.edu/conferences/africa/ads/1124.html "The Pernicious Concept of 'Balance'", ''The Chronicle of Higher Education'' (9 September 2005)] * [http://www.maxinegreene.org/pdfs/WillisPaper.pdf "Commentary on Maxine Greene's ''The Dialectic of Freedom''"] ;Reviews and critiques of Ellen Willis * [http://www.thenation.com/doc/20020819/reading20020808 Review of ''Beginning to See the Light'' by Liza Featherstone, ''The Nation'' (8 August 2002)] * [http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1252/is_18_126/ai_56918041 Review of ''Don't Think, Smile!'' by Eugene McCarraher, ''Commonweal'' (22 October 1999)] * [http://weeklywire.com/ww/11-29-99/boston_books_1.html Review of ''Don't Think, Smile!'' and interview with Ellen Willis by Michael Bronski, ''Weekly Wire'' (29 November 1999)] * [http://web.archive.org/web/20041016004838/http://www.sfbg.com/lit/march00/smile.html Review of ''Don't Think, Smile!'' by Marcy Sheiner, ''San Francisco Bay Guardian'', (29 March 2000)] * [http://www.thenation.com/doc/20010312/letter Bully in the Pulpit?], a discussion of [http://www.thenation.com/doc/20010219/willis "Freedom From Religion" by Ellen Willis in ''The Nation'' (22 February 2001)] * [http://archives.econ.utah.edu/archives/pen-l/2003w12/msg00083.htm "Open Letter to Ellen Willis" by Louis Proyect, ''PEN-L'' (internet mailing list) (25 March 2003)] ;Interviews * [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6467648 "Ellen Willis, Feminist and Writer", ''Fresh Air'' (14 February 1989)] * [http://leftbusinessobserver.com/Radio_1.html#030327 Interview with Ellen Willis and others on ''Implicating Empire'' by Doug Henwood, ''Left Business Observer'' (radio) (27 March 2003)] {{DEFAULTSORT:Willis, Ellen}} [[Category:1941 births]] [[Category:2006 deaths]] [[Category:Critics from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:People from New York City]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] kh4q7nba8fiaowdd0zferd8z26sftsg 0 28059 3944646 3943755 2026-05-23T23:19:50Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944646 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Thief and the Cobbler|The Thief and the Cobbler]]''''' is an unfinished animated film. Several radically altered versions of the film were released by separate companies: '''''The Princess and the Cobbler''''' by [[w:Allied Filmmakers|Allied Filmmakers]], and '''''Arabian Knight''''' by [[w:Miramax Films|Miramax Family Films]]. All three versions center on a cobbler who woos a princess and takes on an evil grand vizier with the help of a thief. :''Directed and written by [[w:Richard Williams (animator)|Richard Williams]]. Written by Margaret French.'' ==The Thief== ===In the original version=== This is the thief's only line in this version *''[To Tack the Cobbler]'' Fine! ===In the Allied Filmmakers version=== This is also the only line for the thief: * ''[when the machine is shown burning]'' I'm getting out of here. ===In the Miramax version=== * '''[first lines]''' Good morning, [[Arabia]]! I've had my [[coffee]], read the paper, now it's time to get to [[work]]. * What a dump! Nobody lives like this except college kids! * ''[as Tack, asleep, sews parts of the Thief's cloak together]'' He's stitchin' me up like a boot! Sorry kid, this boot was made for walkin'. * My father, a fireman, twenty years on the force, instilled in me the attitude of "Never say die!" ''[the pole he's on to steal the three golden balls bends:]'' Although, frequently say, "Ahhh ahhhh ahhhh ahhh ahhh!" * ''[looks at his reflection in the palace wall]'' AAAAAAAAAH! * ''[flies through the window of a woman's apartment with a rose in his mouth; woman screams from inside]'' Ooh... naughty. * Everything hurts, why do I do this? What's the point... ''[sees the Three Golden Balls]'' Oh yeah! [[Pain]]'s gone! ''[sinisterly]'' Feeling good...feeling fine... * ''[running through the palace]'' Who decorated this place? * ''[the Thief is on hanging onto a pole, stealing the golden balls]'' You're gonna buy me a castle by the [[sea]]. ''[as he takes the second ball]'' Hmm. And you're gonna buy me everything I need to turn a basement into a rec room. ''[as he takes the last ball]'' And with you...I tell you sweet heart, I'm going to Disneyland. * What's that? ''[sees Yum-Yum taking a bath]'' Oh, a naked lady... but wait! a golden backscratcher! * ''[A polo ball is chasing him.]'' Shoo! Leave me alone! It's a DEVIL ball! * Oh, hello, ball. BALL?! * Gotta get the ruby off the fat guy's head... gotta get the ruby off the fat guy's head... gotta get... ''[Runs into sign; reading]'' "No Prayers Past this Point". Hmmm... ''[turns; runs into another sign]'' They should have a sign, "Beware of Signs"! * ''[a reference to the Night on Bald Mountain segment in Fantasia]'' Here goes nothin'. ''[the Night on Bald Mountain plays in the background; the Thief is holding palm leaves as wings, and then jumps off the cliff and flaps his arms]'' I'm flyin'! I'm flyin' I'm flyin'! ''[falls into the bushes]'' ==Tack the Cobbler== ===In the original version=== This is Tack's only line in this version. * ''[to Princess Yum-Yum in Sean Connery's voice]'' I [[love]] you. ===In both re-edited versions=== These are alternate lines for Tack in these versions. * ''[to Princess Yum-Yum]'' And I love you. * Nothing wrong with being a Cobbler. ''[sighs]'' Why can't I ever talk when it matters? * No don't! Not the shoe. Who are you? * Stop! Stop, you thief! * Tack. * I'm Tack. * Ye-Yes, Ma'am. * Whoa! * Give it back! * Oh, no. Zigzag. * This looks like some kind of lever. * Tack, the cobbler. * Oh, please you must help us. * Well, she probably doesn't get out much. * I'm not sure that's a good idea. * "When to the wall you find your back, attack". A tack. [realizes] A tack! A tack! * And I love you. ===In the Miramax version=== These are other alternate lines for Tack, but are only in this version. * The princess's shoe! Halt, in the name of King Nod! Who are you? * Stop, thief! * Who needs a genie when a tack will do the trick? * ''[to Zigzag]'' No more tricks, sorcerer! * I guess they never ran into a cobbler before... ==Princess Yum-Yum== * This [[life]] I live in regal splendor… seems a waste. It's all pomp and circumstance, Nanny. If I could help Father, instead of just sitting as his side, I'd be doing something useful. If I could help just one person, maybe then he'd understand there's more to me. * ''[breaking her shoe]'' It just so happens, Daddy, I need a cobbler at the moment. * The cobbler... He's so shy and unassuming. I know he's just a pauper, but I really, really like him. ''[the Thief takes her backscratcher]'' Hey! What? I... * Father, I'm smarter than any man in this city, and faster than your clumsy henchmen. * ''[to the brigands]'' Hey, that's my nanny you're sitting on. * End of the ride, Zigzag! ==King Nod== * Cobbler, go with Princess Yum Yum. * Open for the royal polo ponies! * ''[Waking up from his nightmare]'' Get me Zigzag, '''''now!''''' * Death and destruction, Zigzag. My kingdom will come to [[destruction]] and [[death]]. * An entire race of one-eyed men and death...'''''everywhere!''''' * AAAH! WHAT IF THE BALLS ARE TAKEN AWAY?! * I just have this funny feeling. * One-Eye! Ah! The [[dream]]! The [[nightmare]]! Ah, the balls-'''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!''''' THE BALLS ARE '''''GONE!''''' My kingdom will come to destruction and '''''DEATH!''''' * ''[giving a speech to his subjects and armies]'' My loyal generals! My brave soldiers! The three Golden Balls have '''''gone!''''' Our city faces '''''invasion!''''' The Mighty One-Eye is coming! Take up your positions with my...''[coughs]''...blessing! ''[coughs again]'' * ''[Giving orders to his soldiers]'' Take the right flank. You, the left flank. Turret. Gate. Drawbridge. You, take the women and children. Ready the physicians. * ''[After seeing Princess Yum-Yum through his [[telescope]]]'' Oh, my god! My daughter! * ''[After the One-Eyes are defeated]'' The [[prophecy]] is fulfilled! The city owes you a great debt of [[gratitude]]. Oh, cobbler, how can we ever repay you? ==ZigZag== * ''[Tack has tripped him]'' Ooh-oww! You great fool! * Oh, greatest king on all the [[Earth]], this lowborn cobbler of no worth attacked me in the square today...shall we take his head away? * Calm down, Your Highness. Invaders? One-Eye? Why, this is against what has been prophesied. Has it not been written we are safe from any threat, as long as those 3 golden balls are on the minaret? * A way has never been found to take them away. What freak of nature could ever get up to the top of that minaret? * ''[King Nod beats up ZigZag in a panic]'' Just a night fear! Such things could never happen here! Such things would never happen... Well, they haven't happened yet. Can't you see the golden balls are safe atop the minaret? * ''[repeated line]'' Oh, great King Nod, have no [[fear]]! Zigzag, your grand vizier, is here! * It's not time to get up. Too early to rise. Too early to open the king's sleepy eyes. * ''[Whispering to himself while hearing the Golden Balls bounce out of control]'' Is this opportunity ringing? ''[whispers to his minions]'' I think there are some balls you should be bringing. ''[King Nod turns; they smile innocently at him. Whispers once more to his minions:]'' Get those balls. Keep out of sight. Bring them to me, late tonight. * ''[After Tack steps between him and Yum-Yum]'' What, cobbler?! ''[attacks Tack]'' * We'll see who wins at the end of the day... we'll see who ends up grieving! I'll go to the One-Eyes right away! I'M TAKING MY BALLS AND LEAVING! * Oh Phhhhhh-Phido! * The camp of the One-Eyes... how very nice! Perhaps they'll be willing to pay my price! I'll have those barbarians kissing my feet! ''[to Phido who squawks begging for food]'' And maybe, we'll find you something to eat... eh, Phido? ''[The One-Eye's soldiers appear, putting their spears at his throat]'' Gentlemen, gentlemen, what a delight to meet you all here on such a fine night. * My friends! It grieves me to see you fed on persons like me, with no meat. Just help me a little, and I won't forget to feed you each day, a surprise that is ''plump, portly, paunchy, and FAT! '''FAT! FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!''''' * Faster, faster! Take me to your master! One little mistake will suffice! Don't treat me lightly twice! Take me to your master! * My friends, my friends! Are you still here? I haven't fed you yet, I fear. * ''[as he is being eaten by alligators]'' Oh, my bottom! Ow, my top! Greedies, don't you ever stop? * ''[dying words]'' You too, Phido?...man's best friend? For ZigZag then...It is...The End. ==Mighty One-Eye== ===In all versions=== * Who dares enter the camp of the Mighty One-Eye? * ''[to ZigZag]'' You say you can charm beasts? ''[laughs; inhales]'' Throw him, to the alligators! * ONE-EYES... ATTACK! ===In the original version=== * ''[shouting]'' ONE-EYES... ONE-EYES... ONE-EYES WIN AGAIN! I shall gnaw the Golden City to the bone! ''[bites off a piece of ham]'' And I shall spit it out! ''[spits out the piece of ham]'' No one is left alive to warn them! One-Eyes! One-Eyes! The day of death has come to the Golden Land! And I shall conquer the Golden City! I shall trample and break them! And not show pity! No man escapes the MIGHTY ONE-EYE! ===In the Allied Filmmakers version=== * ''[shouting]'' ONE-EYES... WIN AGAIN! No one is left alive to warn them! And I shall conquer the Golden City! ===In both original and Allied Filmmakers versions=== * Tomorrow, I... strike... and you shall ride at the front, sorcerer. ===In the Miramax version=== * ONE-EYES... WIN AGAIN! And I shall conquer the Golden City! * Tomorrow, you shall ride at the front, sorcerer. ===In both Allied Filmmakers and Miramax versions=== * MY MACHINE!! ==Chief Roofless== * A caravan? A CARAVAN! * May I remind you gentlemen that when in doubt, consult the brigand's... handbook! * Princess, perhaps me and my men ought to be staying here. * Faster! Faster, you fools! Faster! ==Phido the Vulture== ===In both original and Allied Filmmakers versions=== These are Phido's only lines in these versions. * ''[after being poked with the perching stick]'' What? What? Ohh! * [ZigZag whacks him in the rear] AWK! Blast! ===In the Miramax version=== These are alternate lines for Phido in this version. * ''[screams]'' You're giving me heart attacks here! * ''[after being poked with the perching stick]'' What? What, not the stick now! Ohh! * ''[squawks]'' I'm so hungry I could eat a vegetarian. * Heeeeeeeeeeere's Phido! * Ya miss me? [ZigZag whacks him in the rear] AWK! Calling that the humane society? * Is this when we eat? I need to eat, I don't see any food, I'm still hungry here. I think I just lost my appetite. * Come on, Boss! I need a rehearsal here! ''[jumps through a flaming hoop; his tail feathers are on fire]'' Fire! Fire! FIRE! ==Narrator== ===In the original version=== These are the narrator's only lines in this version. * [first lines] It is written among the limitless [[constellation]]s of the celestial [[heaven]]s, and in the depths of the emerald seas, and upon every grain of sand in the vast [[desert]]s that the world which we see is an outward and visible dream of an inward and invisible [[reality]]. Once upon a time, there was a golden city. In the center of this golden city, atop the tallest minaret were three gold balls. The ancients had prophesied that if the three golden balls were ever taken away, [[harmony]] would yield to [[discord]], and the city would fall to destruction... and death! But the mystics had also foretold that the city might be saved by the simplest soul with the smallest and simplest of things. In the city, there dwelt a lowly shoemaker who was known as Tack the cobbler. [Tack is shown asleep] Also in the city, existed a thief... who shall be nameless. [the Thief is shown sneaking about] ===In the Miramax version=== These are lines for Tack as the narrator in this version. * So next time you see a shooting star, be proud of who you really are. Do what your heart feels is right, and you too shall become an Arabian Knight. ==Other Brigands== * ''[shouts]'' A CARAVAAAN! * A caravan! Food! Drink! Women! Heh heh heh! ==Princess Yum-Yum's Nanny== * ''[to Yum-Yum]'' Just like your mother, out here without a veil. * Your bath's ready! The water's getting cold! Princess, he's a cobbler! ''[to Tack]'' Keep your eyes on your work, cobbler! * Ooh, get him, Tack! ==Mad Holy Old Witch== ===In the original version=== * A tack... a tack! But it's what you do with what you've got! ===In the Allied Filmmakers version=== * When to the wall you find your back, a tack, A Tack, A TACK! You have all you need, but it's what you do with what you've got! a tack, A Tack, A TACK! ===In the Miramax version=== * When to the wall you find your back, a tack, A Tack, A TACK! Belief in yourself is what you lack! A tack, A Tack, and never look back! ==Dialogue== ===In all versions=== * '''Mighty One-Eye:''' ''[shouting]'' ONE-EYES... WIN AGAIN! And I shall conquer the Golden City! '''Dying Soldier:''' Must… warn… the king. * '''Zigzag:''' O Great King Nod, have no fear. Zigzag, your grand vizier, is here!<br>'''King Nod:''' ''[wakes up]'' What, what? ''[bored]'' Oh, it's you... Zigzag. * '''Zigzag''': O Greatest King of all the Earth, this low-born [uses cane to stop Tack from walking off] cobbler of no worth attacked me in the square today. Shall we take his head away? * '''King Nod''': [wakes up] What? Oh, yes, Zigzag, if you really think so. * '''Princess Yum-Yum''': But what has he done? * '''Zigzag''': [takes a tack from Tack's mouth] Attacked me! * '''Princess Yum-Yum''': Really? * '''Zigzag''': [hisses] Yes! * '''King Nod:''' [wakes up] AAAH! WHAT IF THE BALLS ARE TAKEN AWAY?!<br>'''Zigzag:''' A way has never been found to take them away! What freak of nature could get up to the top of that minaret?''[Thief actually goes OVER minaret]'' ===In the original version=== These lines are only heard in this version. * '''Zigzag:''' And now, O greatest of the great, to rest you from affairs of state, I've searched the world and brought you thence, at no little effort and great expence, a play-thing!<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' ''[bored]'' Oh.<br>'''Zigzag:''' From far south of Gaza, a bountiful maiden from ''[whispers lecherously into King Nod's ear]'' Mombasa!<br>'''King Nod:''' Oh-oh-oh! Mombasa! * '''Princess Yum-Yum''': Who is this?<br>'''Zigzag:''' O Greatest King of all the Earth, this low-born ''[uses cane to stop Tack from walking off]'' cobbler of no worth attacked me in the square today. Shall we take his head away?<br>'''King Nod:''' ''[wakes up]'' What? No. Yes, Zigzag, if you really think so.<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' But what has he done?<br>'''Zigzag:''' ''[takes a tack from Tack's mouth]'' A''ttacked'' me!<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' ''[skeptical]'' Really?<br>'''Zigzag:''' ''[hisses]'' Yes! * '''Dying Soldier:''' ''[approaching King Nod]'' One...''[stretching down his left lower eyelid]'' Eye...<br>'''Zigzag:'''''[squinting each of his eyes at a time in puzzlement]'' One eye?<br>'''Dying Soldier:''' Is...coming!<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' ''[squinting her left eye in puzzlement]'' One eye?<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum's Nanny:''' ''[adjusting her spectacles in puzzlement]'' Eye?<br>'''King Nod''': ''[gasping in horror]'' One-Eye! Aah! The dream! The nightmare! ''[Then rushes to the balcony as the dying soldier drops dead. His face turns pale as he gazes outside and finds the minaret bare]'' '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!''''' THE BALLS ARE '''''GONE!''''' My kingdom will come to destruction and '''''DEATH!''''' * '''King Nod:''' ''[speaking of the missing Golden Balls upon Zigzag's arrival]'' You're here, Zigzag. But where are the Balls?<br>'''Zigzag:''' Magicked away, my lord.<br>'''King Nod:''' Magicked away?! Oh, no!<br>'''Zigzag:''' Oh, you mustn't look so tragic. I am not unschooled in [[magic]]. <br>'''King Nod:''' You mean, you… <br>'''Zigzag:''' Observe! ''[makes the Golden Balls appear, and disappear again]'' <br>'''King Nod:''' Well, that's something! Well, well! * '''King Nod:''' ''[speaking on the returning of the Golden Balls]'' I'll give you anything, Zigzag! Just do it!<br>'''Zigzag:''' ''[face resembles skull]'' As my peril will be dire, you must grant my heart's desire!<br>'''King Nod:''' Which is?<br>'''Zigzag:''' I require, sire, your daughter Yum-Yum... ''[whispers]'' to wed.<br>'''King Nod:''' ''[furious]'' You want my daughter? ''[gets up]'' NEVER!<br>'''Zigzag:''' Never?<br>'''King Nod:''' NEVER! EVER! ''[Zigzag chuckling]'' GET OUT! '''OOOOOOOUUUUT!'''<br>'''Zigzag:''' Well, I just thought I'd ask. ''[exits]'' We'll see who wins at the end of the day! We'll see who ends up grieving! I'll go to the One-Eyes right away! I'm taking my balls and leaving! ===In both original and Allied Filmmakers versions=== These lines are only heard in these versions. * '''Mighty One-Eye:''' ''[Zigzag presents himself before the One-Eye]'' Sorcerer?<br>'''Zigzag:''' I conjure demons, and charm beasts! And birds of prey, too! Phido!<br>'''Phido the Vulture:''' ''[makes Phido jump through hoops]'' AWWK!<br>'''Zigzag:''' But as you see, that's not all I can do! Haha! Hee-hee! I have [[power]] over people, though they may appear complex. For me... they fall like playing cards... and I control the decks! [brandishes deck of cards, but they slip and fall]<br>'''Zigzag:''' Ah! Eh-heh! Ho ho! Ah! Hee-hee! But all this is nothing, for now in my hand is the very key to the Golden Land! for no man can take it, no matter how great, unless he possesses these three balls... [presents balls] OF [[Fate|FATE]]!<br>'''Mighty One-Eye:''' You say you can charm beasts? ''[laughs to himself, then Zigzag laughs to himself, too]'' THROW HIM TO THE ALLIGATORS! ''[The One-Eye's men take Zig-Zag to the alligator pit; Phido watches from afar snickering to himself]'' ===In both re-edited versions=== These lines are only heard in these versions. * '''Zigzag:''' O Greatest King of all the Earth, this low-born ''[uses cane to stop Tack from walking off]'' cobbler of no worth attacked me in the square today. Shall we take his head away?<br>'''King Nod:''' ''[wakes up]'' Oh, yes, Zigzag, if you really think so.<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' But what has he done?<br>'''Zigzag:''' ''[takes a tack from Tack's mouth]'' A''ttacked'' me!<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' Oh, really?<br>'''Zigzag:''' ''[hisses]'' Yes! * '''Princess Yum-Yum:''' Do cobblers have names?<br>'''Tack the Cobbler:''' ''[nods and fixes the nanny's glasses]''<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' Well, what ''is'' your name?<br>'''Tack the Cobbler:''' ''[holds up a tack]'' Tack.<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' Tack? Is that your name?<br>'''Nanny:''' He doesn't have a lot to say for himself.<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' Tack.<br>'''Tack the Cobbler:''' ''[Allied Filmmakers version]'' I'm Tack./''[Miramax version]'' At your service. * '''-Princess Yum-Yum's Nanny:''' Your bath's ready! The water's getting cold! Princess, he's a Cobbler! Keep your eyes on your work, Cobbler!<br>'''Tack the Cobbler:''' Y-yes, ma'am. ''[after Princess Yum-Yum and Princess Yum-Yum's Nanny leaves]'' Nothing wrong with being a Cobbler. ''[sighs]'' Why can't I ever talk when it matters? * '''King Nod:''' ''[speaking on the returning of the Golden Balls]'' I'll give you anything, Zigzag! Just do it!<br>'''Zigzag:''' As my peril will be ''[face resembles skull]'' dire, you must grant my heart's desire!<br>'''King Nod:''' Which is?<br>'''Zigzag:''' I require, sire, your daughter Yum-Yum... ''[whispers]'' to wed.<br>'''King Nod:''' ''[laughing]'' You? Worthy of my daughter? A practitioner of the black arts? ''[laughing]'' No. She can only marry a man pure of heart. You will never marry her! Never! ''[Zigzag's face falls. Nod continues laughing]'' Not in a thousand years! ''[Zigzag scowls with fury]''<br>'''Zigzag:''' We'll see who wins at the end of the day! We'll see who ends up grieving! I'll go to the One-Eyes right away! I'm taking the balls and leaving! * '''King Nod:''' If only I had a son...<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' A son? Nonsense! Where do I find this witch?<br>'''King Nod:''' The [[desert]] at the... What?! You?! Never, much too dangerous!<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' Father, I'm smarter than any man in the city, and faster than any of your clumsy... henchmen.<br>'''King Nod:''' But you're so young, so, so...<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' So anxious, so excited, so ready to make you proud! You must trust me, Father. There is no one else. * '''Princess Yum-Yum:''' And who are you?<br>'''Chief Roofless:''' Well, I... I am Roofless, the chieftain, and this is my band of brigands. ===In the Miramax version=== These lines are only heard in this version. * '''Zigzag''': O, Greatest King of all the Earth, this low-born cobbler of no worth attacked me in the square today! ''[Pulls Tack over with his cane]'' Shall we take his head away? * '''King Nod''': ''[muttering]'' Oh, well, yes, Zigzag. If you really think so. * '''Princess Yum-Yum''': But what has he done? * '''Zigzag''': ''[pulls a tack from Tack's mouth]'' Attacked me. * '''Princess Yum-Yum''': Oh, really? * '''Zigzag''': ''[hisses]'' Yes. * ''[Zigzag tries to have Tack executed, but trips over the cobbler's legs then falls on the floor, with tacks on his arms. Everyone laughed.]'' * '''Zigzag''': Oooh! Ow! * '''Goblet''': ''[to everyone, off-screen]'' Quiet! * '''Zigzag''': ''[to Tack while holding him under his foot]'' You great fool! * ''[the Thief is climbing up the sewer pipes]''<br>'''Thief:''' Whoa! Mom! What are you doing here?!<br>'''Thief's Mom:''' What am ''I'' doing here?! What are ''you'' doing here?! You never visit! You never call! Has ya got a girl yet?! C'mon! Hey, you look skinny! * ''[As ZigZag is showing his powers to King One-Eye]''<br>'''ZigZag:''' I conjure demons, charm beasts,''[creates a hoop of fire]'' and birds of prey, too. Phido! ''[pulls on Phido's leash]''<br>'''Phido:''' C'mon, boss! I need a rehearsal here! ''[jumps through the hoop, his tail feathers are set on fire]'' Fire! Fire! Fire! * '''Mad Holy Old Witch:''' When to the wall you find your back, a tack, A Tack, A TACK!<br>'''Princess Yum-Yum:''' How can we attack the One-Eyes?<br>'''Mad Holy Old Witch:''' Belief in yourself is what you lack, a tack, A Tack, and never look back! ==External links== * {{wikipedia-inline}} * {{IMDb title|0112389}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Thief and the Cobbler, The}} [[Category:1993 films]] [[Category:Children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Films about princesses]] l0m7nb5o2pku7isc8n1hzg666wlmga3 0 37128 3944482 3877418 2026-05-23T13:47:24Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944482 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:VoltairinedeCleyre.jpg|thumb|right|The paramount question of the [[day]] is not [[political]], is not [[religious]], but is [[economic]]. The crying-out demand of today is for a [[circle]] of [[principles]] that shall [[forever]] make it impossible for one man to control another by controlling the means of his existence.]] '''[[w:Voltairine de Cleyre|Voltairine de Cleyre]]''' ([[17 November]] [[1866]] – [[20 June]] [[1912]]) was an American [[Anarchism|anarchist]] and [[Feminism|feminist]] writer and orator, who opposed statist policies, marriage, and the domination of religion in human sexual roles and women's opportunities. A proponent of [[w:libertarian socialism|libertarian socialism]] and the [[freethought|free thought]] movement, she was initially drawn to [[w:individualist anarchism|individualist anarchism]] but evolved into accepting [[w:Mutualism (economic theory)|mutualism]] and [[w:Stateless communism|stateless communism]], while formally labelling herself [[w:Anarchism without adjectives|only an anarchist]] and shunning doctrinal fractiousness, believing that any [[system]] was acceptable as long as it did not involve [[Tyranny|coercive force]]. == Quotes == [[File:Circle-A red.svg|thumb|right|Written in red their protest stands, for the [[Gods]] of the [[World]] to see...]] [[File:Rembrandt-Belsazar.jpg|thumb|right|On the dooming wall their bodiless hands <br> have blazoned "[[w:The writing on the wall|Upharsin]]," and flaring brands <br> Illumine the message...]] [[File:Herz aus Feuer.jpg|thumb|right|[[Flame]] out the living [[words]] of the dead <br> Written-in-red.]] [[File:Libertarian Socialism Flag.svg|thumb|right|One is the struggle, and in One name —<br> [[Humanity|M<span style="font-variant:small-caps;text-transform:lowercase">anhood</span>]]— we [[battle]] to set men [[free]]. <br> "Uncurse us the Land!" burn the [[words]] of the [[Dead]],<br>Written-in-red.]] * <p>'''Years! Years, ye shall mix with me! <br> Ye shall grow a part <br> Of the laughing [[Sea]]'''; <br> Of the moaning [[heart]] <br> Of the glittered wave <br> Of the sun-gleam's dart <br> In the ocean-grave.</p><p> '''Fair, cold, and faithless wert thou, my own! <br> For that I [[love]] <br> Thy [[heart]] of [[stone]]!''' <br> From the heights above <br> To the depths below, <br> Where dread things move,</p><p> '''There is naught can show <br> A life so trustless! Proud be thy crown! <br> Ruthless, like none, save the Sea, alone!'''</p> ** "The Dirge of the Sea" (April 1891) * Progress has to do with all mankind, not alone with the calm, the wise, and the patient. There is youth in the world, and youth is generally neither calm nor patient; it does not like to sit in the rear rows and listen to mature considerations rendered in the tone of a stock-market quotation concerning questions that are burning up its heart, itself silent; if it did, it might learn to be wise and calm,—and also ashy and inert. There is feeling in the world, and a very great quantity of it; and those who do the suffering and the sympathizing may be expected to say and to do many things not within the limits of logic. ** ''[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/mirror/v/vd/voltairine-de-cleyre-events-are-the-true-schoolmasters.html Events Are the True Schoolmasters]'', ''Mother Earth'' Vol I, No. 11, January 1907; republished in Exquisite Rebel: The Essays of Voltairine de Cleyre—Feminist, Anarchist, Genius by State University of New York Press * '''Written in red their protest stands, <br> For the [[Gods]] of the [[World]] to see'''; <br> On the dooming wall their bodiless hands <br> have blazoned "[[w:The writing on the wall|Upharsin]]," and flaring brands <br> Illumine the message: "Seize the lands! <br> Open the [[prisons]] and make men [[free]]!" <br> '''[[Flame]] out the living [[words]] of the dead <br> Written-in-red.''' ** "Written-In-Red" de Cleyre's last poem, dedicated "To Our Living Dead in Mexico's Struggle"; first lines. * '''Gods of the World! Their mouths are dumb! <br> Your [[guns]] have spoken and they are dust.''' <br> But the shrouded Living, whose [[hearts]] were numb, <br> have felt the beat of a wakening drum <br> Within them sounding — the Dead men’s tongue — <br> Calling: "Smite off the ancient rust!" <br> Have beheld "[[w:Resurrection|Resurrexit]]," the word of the Dead, <br> Written-in-red. ** "Written-In-Red" Stanza 2 * '''Bear it aloft, O roaring [[flame]]! <br> Skyward aloft, where all may see.''' <br> [[Slaves]] of the World! Our cause is the same; <br> One is the immemorial shame; <br> '''One is the struggle, and in One name —<br> M<span style="font-variant:small-caps;text-transform:lowercase">anhood</span>— we battle to set men free. <br> "Uncurse us the Land!" burn the words of the Dead,<br>Written-in-red.''' ** "Written-In-Red", last lines. === ''And Thou Too'' (1888) === :<small>[[s:And Thou Too|Full text online at Wikisource]]</small> [[File:Dante Gabriel Rossetti - The Damsel of the Sanct Grael or Holy Grail.jpg|thumb|right| For the way is not strown with petal soft, <br> It is covered with [[hearts]] that weep, <br> And the wounds I tread touch a deeper source <br> Than you think it mine to keep.]] [[File:El Greco 011.jpg|thumb|right|Though a crucified [[life]] or an agonized [[death]], <br> Though long, or quick and sharp, <br> I am firmly wrought in the endless thread <br> Of [[Destiny]]'s woof and warp.]] [[File:Voltairine de Cleyre, Philadelphia, August 1898.jpg|thumb|right|I think of those "saddest of all [[sad]] [[words]]," <br> The pitiful "might have been."]] * '''The moonlight rolls down like a river, <br> The [[silence]] streams out like a sea; <br> And far where the eastern winds quiver, <br> My farewell goes floating to thee.''' *<p>'''And sometimes when I am weary, <br> When the path is thorny and Wild, <br> I'll look back to the Eyes in the twilight, <br> Back to the eyes that smiled.'''</p><p>'''And pray that a wreath like a rainbow <br> May slip from the beautiful past, <br> And Crown me again with the sweet, strong love <br> And keep me, and hold me fast.'''</p> * <p>'''For the way is not strown with petal soft, <br> It is covered with hearts that weep, <br> And the wounds I tread touch a deeper source <br> Than you think it mine to keep.'''</p><p> Down the years I shall move without you, <br> Yet ever must feel the blow <br> That caused me a deeper pain to give <br> Than you will ever know.</p> * But the world moves on, and the piteous Earth <br> Still groans in the monster pain; <br> And the star that leads me points onward yet, <br> Though the red drops fall like rain! * <p>'''Ah, not to a blaze of light I go, <br> Nor shouts of a triumph train; <br> I go down to kiss the dregs of woe, <br> And drink up the Cup of Pain.'''</p><p> And whether a scaffold or crucifix waits <br> 'Neath the light of my silver star,<br> I know and I care not: I only know <br> I shall pause not though it be far.</p> * '''Though a crucified life or an agonized death, <br> Though long, or quick and sharp, <br> I am firmly wrought in the endless thread <br> Of Destiny's woof and warp. <br> And I do not shrink, though a wave of pain <br> Sobs over me now and then, <br> As I think of those "saddest of all sad words," <br> The pitiful "might have been."''' * <p>Ay, gather your petals and take them back <br> To the dead heart under the dew; <br> And crown it again with the red love bloom, <br> For the dead are always true.</p><p> '''But go not "back to the sediment" <br> In the slime of the moaning sea, <br> For a better world belongs to you, <br> And a better friend to me.'''</p> === ''The Economic Tendency of Freethought'' (1890) === :<small> ''The Economic Tendency of Freethought'' in ''Liberty'' <!-- [Boston] -->Vol. XI, #25 (15 February 1890) [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/etf.html Online text at Anarchist Archives] - [http://praxeology.net/VC-ETF.htm Online text at the Molinari Institute]</small> [[File:1896 Alfred-Pierre Agache - The Sword.jpg |thumb|right|Of the exercise of a right [[power]] may deprive me; of the [[right]] itself, never.]] [[File:F5 tornado Elie Manitoba 2007.jpg|thumb|right|The rulers of the [[earth]] are sowing a fearful [[wind]], to reap a most terrible [[whirlwind]].]] [[File:Carl Bloch - Samson and the Philistines - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|right|The giant is blind, but he's [[thinking]]: and his locks are growing, fast.]] * '''The paramount question of the day is not [[political]], is not [[religious]], but is [[economic]]. The crying-out demand of today is for a [[circle]] of [[principles]] that shall [[forever]] make it impossible for one man to control another by controlling the means of his existence.''' * '''First, then, [[God]], being all-just, wishes to do [[justice]]; being all-wise, knows what justice is; being all-powerful, can do justice. Why then injustice?''' Either your God can do justice and won't or doesn't know what justice is, or he cannot do it. The immediate reply is: "What appears to be injustice in our eyes, in the sight of omniscience may be justice. God's ways are not our ways." <br> Oh, but if he is the all-wise pattern, they should be; what is good enough for God ought to be good enough for man; but what is too mean for man won't do in a God. * Note the difference between a [[right]] and a privilege. A right, in the abstract, is a fact; it is not a thing to be given, established, or conferred; it is. '''Of the exercise of a right [[power]] may deprive me; of the right itself, never.''' Privilege, in the abstract, does not exist; there is no such thing. Rights recognized, privilege is destroyed. <br> But, in the practical, the moment you admit a supreme authority, you have denied rights. Practically the supremacy has all the rights, and no matter what the human race possesses, it does so merely at the caprice of that authority. * '''[[Government]] is as unreal, as intangible, as unapproachable as [[God]].''' Try it, if you don't believe it. Seek through the legislative halls of America and find, if you can, the Government. In the end you will be doomed to confer with the agent, as before. * '''An agent is usually held accountable to his principals.''' If you do not know the individuals who voted for you, then you do not know for whom you are acting, nor to whom you are accountable. If any body of persons has delegated to you any authority, the disposal of any right or part of a right (supposing a right to be transferable), you must have received it from the individuals composing that body; and you must have some means of learning who those individuals are, or you cannot know for whom you act, and you are utterly irresponsible as an agent. * '''A man won't steal, ordinarily, unless that which he steals is something he cannot as easily get without stealing; in liberty the cost of stealing would involve greater difficulties than producing, and consequently he would not be apt to steal.''' But suppose a man steals. Today you go to a representative of that power which has robbed you of the earth, of the right of free contract of the means of exchange, taxes you for everything you eat or wear (the meanest form of robbery), — you go to him for redress from a thief! * '''I think it can be shown that the law makes ten criminals where it restrains one.''' On that basis it would not, as a matter of policy merely, be an economical institution. * '''This is not a question of expediency, but of right.''' In antebellum days the proposition was not, Are the blacks good enough to be free? but, Have they the right? So today the question is not, Will outrages result from freeing humanity? but, Has it the right to life, the means of life, the opportunities of happiness? <br> '''In the transition epoch, surely crimes will come.''' Did the seed of tyranny ever bear good fruit? And '''can you expect Liberty to undo in a moment what Oppression has been doing for ages?''' Criminals are the crop of despots, as much a necessary expression of the evil in society as an ulcer is of disease in the blood; and so long as the taint of the poison remains, so long there will be crimes. * "For it must needs that offences come, but woe to him through whom the offence cometh." The crimes of the future are the harvests sown of the ruling classes of the present. Woe to the tyrant who shall cause the offense! <br> '''Sometimes I dream of this social change. I get a streak of faith in Evolution, and the good in man.''' I paint a gradual slipping out of the now, to that beautiful then, where there are neither kings, presidents, landlords, national bankers, stockbrokers, railroad magnates, patentright monopolists, or tax and title collectors; where there are no over-stocked markets or hungry children, idle counters and naked creatures, splendor and misery, waste and need. '''I am told this is farfetched idealism, to paint this happy, povertyless, crimeless, diseaseless world; I have been told I "ought to be behind the bars" for it.''' <br> Remarks of that kind rather destroy the white streak of faith. I lose confidence in the slipping process, and am forced to believe that '''the rulers of the earth are sowing a fearful wind, to reap a most terrible whirlwind.''' When I look at this poor, bleeding, wounded World, this world that has suffered so long, struggled so much, been scourged so fiercely, thorn-pierced so deeply, crucified so cruelly, I can only shake my head and remember: :: '''The giant is blind, but he's thinking: and his locks are growing, fast.''' ::* In the first line presented here de Cleyre quotes an admonition of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]], and in the last line, the giant she refers to is the blinded [[w:Samson|Samson]]. === ''Sex Slavery'' (1890) === :<small>''[http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/sexslavery.html Sex Slavery]'', address to Unity Congregation, Philadelphia appealing for petitions against the imprisonment of [[w:Moses Harman|Moses Harman]] (1890) </small> [[File:Voltairine_de_Cleyre_(Age_35).jpg |thumb|right|I would rather, much rather, be illegitimate according to the statutes of men, than illegitimate according to the unchanging law of Nature.]] [[File:Radical feminism.svg|thumb|right|There is no refuge upon earth for the enslaved sex. Right where we are, there we must dig our trenches, and win or die.]] [[File:SpirellaCorsets1913Style593.jpg |thumb|right|You expect your wives, the creatures you say you respect and love, to wear the longest skirts and the highest necked clothing, in order to conceal the obscene human body. There is no society for the prevention of cruelty to women.]] * Why, when murder now is stalking in your streets, when dens of infamy are so thick within your city that competition has forced down the price of prostitution to the level of the wages of your starving shirt makers; when robbers sit in State and national Senate and House, when the boasted "bulwark of our liberties," the elective franchise, has become a U. S. dice-box, wherewith great gamblers play away your liberties; when debauchees of the worst type hold all your public offices and dine off the food of fools who support them, why, then, sits Moses Harman there within his prison cell? If he is so great a criminal, why is he not with the rest of the spawn of crime, dining at Delmonico's or enjoying a trip to Europe? If he is so bad a man, why in the name of wonder did he ever get in the penitentiary? … '''He looked, this obscenist looked with clear eyes into this ill-got thing you call morality, sealed with the seal of marriage, and saw in it the consummation of immorality, impurity, and injustice.''' He beheld every married woman what she is, a bonded slave, who takes her master's name, her master's bread, her master's commands, and serves her master's passion; who passes through the ordeal of pregnancy and the throes of travail at his dictation, not at her desire; who can control no property, not even her own body, without his consent, and from whose straining arms the children she bears may be torn at his pleasure, or willed away while they are yet unborn. It is said the English language has a sweeter word than any other, — ''home''. But Moses Harman looked beneath the word and saw the fact, — a prison more horrible than that where he is sitting now, whose corridors radiate over all the earth, and with so many cells, that none may count them. [[File:La Vérité, par Jules Joseph Lefebvre.jpg|thumb|right|In the name of Purity what lies are told! What queer morality it has engendered.]] * That is adultery where woman submits herself sexually to man, without desire on her part, for the sake of "keeping him virtuous," "keeping him at home," the women say. (Well, if a man did not love me and respect himself enough to be "virtuous" without prostituting me, — he might go, and welcome. He has no virtue to keep.) And that is rape, where a man forces himself sexually upon a woman whether he is licensed by the marriage law to do it or not. And that is the vilest of all tyranny where a man compels the woman he says he loves, to endure the agony of bearing children that she does not want, and for whom, as is the rule rather than the exception, they cannot properly provide. It is worse than any other human oppression; it is fairly ''God''-like! To the sexual tyrant there is no parallel upon earth; one must go to the skies to find a fiend who thrusts life upon his children only to starve and curse and outcast and damn them! * O height and depth of purity, which fears so much that the children will not know who their fathers are, because, forsooth, they must rely upon their mother's word instead of the hired certification of some priest of the Church, or the Law! I wonder if the children would be improved to know what their fathers have done. I would rather, much rather, not know who my father was than know he had been a tyrant to my mother. '''I would rather, much rather, be illegitimate according to the statutes of men, than illegitimate according to the unchanging law of Nature.''' * He cried out through the letter of Dr. Markland, that a young mother lacerated by unskillful surgery in the birth of her babe, but recovering from a subsequent successful operation, had been stabbed, remorselessly, cruelly, brutally stabbed, not with a knife, but with the procreative organ of her husband, stabbed to the doors of death, and yet there was no redress! <br> And because he called a spade a spade, because he named that organ by its own name, so given in Webster's dictionary and in every medical journal in the country, because of this Moses Harman walks to and fro in his cell tonight. '''He gave a concrete example of the effect of sex slavery, and for it he is imprisoned.''' It remains for us now to carry on the battle, and lift the standard where they struck him down, to scatter broadcast the knowledge of this crime of society against a man and the reason for it; to inquire into this vast system of licensed crime, its cause and its effect, broadly upon the race. * From the birth of the Church, out of the womb of Fear and the fatherhood of Ignorance, it has taught the inferiority of woman. In one form or another through the various mythical legends of the various mythical creeds, runs the undercurrent of the behef in the fall of man through the persuasion of woman, her subjective condition as punishment, her natural vileness, total depravity, etc.; and from the days of Adam until now the Christian Church, with which we live specially to deal, has made Woman the excuse, the scapegoat for the evil deeds of man. * If there is one thing more than another in this whole accursed tissue of false society, which makes me angry, it is the asinine stupidity which with the true phlegm of impenetrable dullness says, "Why don't the women leave!" Will you tell me where they will go and what they shall do? When the State, the legislators, has given to itself, the politicians, the utter and absolute control of the opportunity to live; when, through this precious monopoly, already the market of labor is so overstocked that workmen and workwomen are cutting each others' throats for the dear privilege of serving their lords; when girls are shipped from Boston to the south and north, shipped in carloads, like cattle, to fill the dives of New Orleans or the lumber-camp hells of my own state... * When America passed the fugitive slave law compelling men to catch their fellows more brutally than runaway dogs, Canada, aristocratic, unrepublican Canada, still stretched her arms to those who might reach her. But there is no refuge upon earth for the enslaved sex. Right where we are, there we must dig our trenches, and win or die. * '''This, then, is the tyranny of the State; it denies, to both woman and man, the right to earn a living, and grants it as a privilege to a favored few who for that favor must pay ninety per cent toll to the granters of it.''' These two things, the mind domination of the Church, and the body domination of the State are the causes of sex slavery. * Who thinks a dog is impure or obscene because its body is not covered with suffocating and annoying clothes? What would you think of the meanness of a man who would put a skirt upon his, horse and compel it to walk or run with such a thing impeding its limbs? Why, the "Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals" would arrest him, take the beast from him, and he would be sent to a lunatic asylum for treatment on the score of an impure mind. '''And yet, gentlemen, you expect your wives, the creatures you say you respect and love, to wear the longest skirts and the highest necked clothing, in order to conceal the obscene human body. There is no society for the prevention of cruelty to women.''' * We are permitted to ride, providing we sit in a position ruinous to the horse; providing we wear a riding-habit long enough to hide the obscene human foot, weighed down by ten pounds of gravel to cheat the wind in its free blowing, so running the risk of disabling ourselves completely should accident throw us from the saddle. Think how we swim! We must even wear clothing in the water, and run the gauntlet of derision, if we dare battle in the surf minus stockings! * '''In the name of Purity what lies are told! What queer morality it has engendered.''' For fear of it you dare not tell your own children the truth about their birth; the most sacred of all functions, the creation of a human being, is a subject for the most miserable falsehood. When they come to you with a simple, straightforward question, which they have a right to ask, you say, "Don't ask such questions," or tell some silly hollowlog story; or you explain the incomprehensibility by another — God! You say "God made you." You know you are lying when you say it. You know, or you ought to know, that the source of inquiry will not be dammed up so. You know that what you Could explain purely, reverently, rightly (if you have any purity in you), will be learned through many blind gropings, and that around it will be cast the shadowthought of wrong, embryo'd by your denial and nurtured by this social opinion everywhere prevalent. If you do not know this, then you are blind to facts and deaf to Experience. [[File:Statue of Liberty - USA.jpg|thumb|right|You will never get right until you start right.]] * '''Look how your children grow up. Taught from their earliest infancy to curb their love natures — restrained at every turn!''' Your blasting lies would even blacken a child's kiss. Little girls must not be tomboyish, must not go barefoot, must not climb trees, must not learn to swim, must not do anything they desire to do which Madame Grundy has decreed "improper." Little boys are laughed at as effeminate, silly girl-boys if they want to make patchwork or play with a doll. Then when they grow up, "Oh! Men dont care for home or children as women do!" Why should they, when the deliberate effort of your life has been to crush that nature out of them. "Women can't rough it like men." Train any animal, or any plant, as you train your girls, and it wont be able to rough it either. * '''Now for the remedy. It is in one word, the only word that ever brought equity anywhere — LIBERTY!''' Centuries upon centuries of liberty is the only thing that will cause the disintegration and decay of these pestiferous ideas. Liberty was all that calmed the bloodwaves of religious persecution! You cannot cure serfhood by any other substitution. '''Not for you to say "in this way shall the race love." Let the race alone. <br> Will there not be atrocious crimes? Certainly. He is a fool who says there will not be.''' But you can't stop them by committing the arch-crime and setting a block between the spokes of Progress-wheels. '''You will never get right until you start right.''' <br> As for the final outcome, it matters not one iota. '''I have my ideal, and it is very pure, and very sacred to me. But yours, equally sacred, may be different and we may both be wrong. But certain am I that with free contract, that form of sexual association will survive which is best adapted to time and place, thus producing the highest evolution of the type.''' Whether that shall be monogamy, variety, or promiscuity matters naught to us; it is the business of the future, to which we dare not dictate. * '''No one can hate petitions worse than I, and no one has less faith in them than I. But for my champion I am willing to try any means that invades no other's right, even though I have little hope in it.''' === ''In Defense of Emma Goldman and the Right of Expropriation'' (1893) === :<small>''[http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/indefenseofeg.html In Defense of Emma Goldmann and the Right of Expropriation]'', an address in Philadelphia (16 December 1893); [[Emma Goldman]]'s name is misspelled Goldmann throughout the 1910 version. Some of this text is quoted as presented in ''Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre'' (1914) edited by [[Alexander Berkman]] </small> [[File:Broken-chains.png|thumb|Whether she or I be right, or both of us be wrong, of one thing I am sure; the [[spirit]] which animates [[Emma Goldman]] is the only one which will emancipate the slave from his [[slavery]], the tyrant from his [[tyranny]] — the spirit which is willing to [[dare]] and [[suffer]].]] * '''[[Humanity]] can not be made equal by declarations on paper. Unless the material conditions for equality exist, it is worse than mockery to pronounce men equal.''' And unless there is equality (and by equality I mean equal chances for every one to make the most of himself) unless, I say, these equal chances exist, freedom, either of thought, speech, or action, is equally a mockery. * '''As long as the working-people fold hands and pray the gods in Washington to give them work, so long they will not get it.''' So long as they tramp the streets, whose stones they lay, whose filth they clean, whose sewers they dig, yet upon which they must not stand too long lest the policeman bid them "move on"; as long as they go from factory to factory, begging for the opportunity to be a slave, receiving the insults of bosses and foremen, getting the old "no," the old shake of the head, in these factories they built, whose machines they wrought; so long as they consent to herd like cattle, in the cities, driven year after year, more and more, off the mortgaged land, the land they cleared, fertilized, cultivated, rendered of value; so long as they stand shivering, gazing thro' plate glass windows at overcoats, which they made, but cannot buy, starving in the midst of food they produced but cannot have; so long as they continue to do these things vaguely relying upon some power outside themselves, be it god, or priest, or politician, or employer, or charitable society, to remedy matters, so long deliverance will be delayed. When they conceive the possibility of a complete international federation of labor, whose constituent groups shall take possession of land, mines, factories, all the instruments of production, issue their own certificates of exchange, and, in short, conduct their own industry without regulative interference from law-makers or employers, then we may hope for the only help which counts for aught — Self-Help; the only condition which can guarantee free speech (and no paper guarantee needed). * '''Miss Goldman is a [[communist]]; I am an [[individualist]]. She wishes to destroy the right of property, I wish to assert it.''' I make my war upon privilege and authority, whereby the right of property, the true right in that which is proper to the individual, is annihilated. '''She believes that co-operation would entirely supplant competition; I hold that competition in one form or another will always exist, and that it is highly desirable it should. But whether she or I be right, or both of us be wrong, of one thing I am sure; ''the spirit which animates Emma Goldman is the only one which will emancipate the slave from his slavery, the tyrant from his tyranny — the spirit which is willing to dare and suffer''.''' === ''Anarchism & American Traditions'' (1908) === :<small> ''[http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/amertrad.html Anarchism & American Traditions]'' in ''Mother Earth'' (December 1908/January 1909)</small> [[File:Minute Man Statue Lexington Massachusetts.jpg|thumb|right|Among the fundamental likeness between the Revolutionary Republicans and the Anarchists is the recognition that the little must precede the great; that the local must be the basis of the general; that there can be a free federation only when there are free communities to federate...]] [[File:Flavors of anarchism.jpg|thumb|right|The love of material ease has been, in the mass of men and permanently speaking, always greater than the love of liberty.]] [[File:Voltarine de Cleyre, Chicago, 1910.jpg|thumb|right|As to the American tradition of non-meddling, Anarchism asks that it be carried down to the individual himself.]] [[File:EmmaGoldmanQuote2000.JPG|thumb|right|Let the guarantee of free speech be in every man's determination to use it, and we shall have no need of paper declarations.]] * '''Among the fundamental likeness between the Revolutionary Republicans and the Anarchists is the recognition that the little must precede the great; that the local must be the basis of the general; that there can be a free federation only when there are free communities to federate'''; that the spirit of the latter is carried into the councils of the former, and a local tyranny may thus become an instrument for general enslavement. Convinced of the supreme importance of ridding the municipalities of the institutions of tyranny, the most strenuous advocates of independence, instead of spending their efforts mainly in the general Congress, devoted themselves to their home localities, endeavoring to work out of the minds of their neighbors and fellow-colonists the institutions of entailed property, of a State-Church, of a class-divided people, even the institution of African slavery itself. '''Though largely unsuccessful, it is to the measure of success they did achieve that we are indebted for such liberties as we do retain, and not to the general government.''' * '''Private enterprise manages better all that to which it is equal. Anarchism declares that private enterprise, whether individual or cooperative, is equal to all the undertakings of society.''' * We arrive at the point where we, looking over the hundred and twenty five years of independence, can see that the simple government conceived by the revolutionary republicans was a foredoomed failure. It was so because of: 1) the essence of government itself; 2) the essence of human nature; 3) the essence of Commerce and Manufacture. * As to the essence of human nature, what our national experience has made plain is this, that to remain in a continually exalted moral condition is not human nature. That has happened which was prophesied: we have gone down hill from the Revolution until now; we are absorbed in "mere money-getting." * '''The love of material ease has been, in the mass of men and permanently speaking, always greater than the love of liberty.''' Nine hundred and ninety nine women out of a thousand are more interested in the cut of a dress than in the independence of their sex; nine hundred and ninety nine men out of a thousand are more interested in drinking a glass of beer than in questioning the tax that is laid on it; how many children are not willing to trade the liberty to play for the promise of a new cap or a new dress? That it is which begets the complicated mechanism of society; that it is which, by multiplying the concerns of government, multiplies the strength of government and the corresponding weakness of the people; this it is which begets indifference to public concern, thus making the corruption of government easy. <br> As to the essence of Commerce and Manufacture, it is this: to establish bonds between every corner of the earths surface and every other corner, to multiply the needs of mankind, and the desire for material possession and enjoyment. * There is not upon the face of the earth today a government so utterly and shamelessly corrupt as that of the United States of America. There are others more cruel, more tyrannical, more devastating; there is none so utterly venal. * '''The Constitution was made chiefly because of the demands of Commerce.''' Thus it was at the outset a merchant's machine, which the other interests of the country, the land and labor interests, even then foreboded would destroy their liberties. In vain their jealousy of its central power made enact the first twelve amendments. In vain they endeavored to set bounds over which the federal power dare not trench. In vain they enacted into general law the freedom of speech, of the press, of assemblage and petition. All of these things we see ridden roughshod upon every day, and have so seen with more or less intermission since the beginning of the nineteenth century. At this day, every police lieutenant considers himself, and rightly so, as more powerful than the General Law of the Union. * It is an American tradition that a standing army is a standing menace to liberty; in Jefferson's presidency the army was reduced to 3,000 men. It is American tradition that we keep out of the affairs of other nations. It is American practice that we meddle with the affairs of everybody else from the West to the East Indies, from Russia to Japan; and to do it we have a standing army of 83,251 men. * What has Anarchism to say to all this, this bankruptcy of republicanism, this modern empire that has grown up on the ruins of our early freedom? We say this, that the sin our fathers sinned was that they did not trust liberty wholly. They thought it possible to compromise between liberty and government, believing the latter to be "a necessary evil," and the moment the compromise was made, the whole misbegotten monster of our present tyranny began to grow. Instruments which are set up to safeguard rights become the very whip with which the free are struck.<br> '''Anarchism says, Make no laws whatever concerning speech, and speech will be free'''; so soon as you make a declaration on paper that speech shall be free, you will have a hundred lawyers proving that "freedom does not mean abuse, nor liberty license"; and they will define and define freedom out of existence. '''Let the guarantee of free speech be in every man's determination to use it, and we shall have no need of paper declarations.''' On the other hand, '''so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.''' * '''As to the American tradition of non-meddling, Anarchism asks that it be carried down to the individual himself.''' It demands no jealous barrier of isolation; it knows that such isolation is undesirable and impossible; but it teaches that by all men's strictly minding their own business, a fluid society, freely adapting itself to mutual needs, wherein all the world shall belong to all men, as much as each has need or desire, will result. <br> And when Modern Revolution has thus been carried to the heart of the whole world — if it ever shall be, as I hope it will — then may we hope to see a resurrection of that proud spirit of our fathers which put the simple dignity of Man above the gauds of wealth and class, and held that to be an American was greater than to be a king. <br> '''In that day there shall be neither kings nor Americans — only Men; over the whole earth, MEN.''' === ''The Dominant Idea'' (1910) === :<small>''[http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/dominant.html The Dominant Idea]'' first published in ''Mother Earth'' (1910)</small> [[File:Brocken-tanzawa2.JPG|thumb|right|In everything that [[lives]], if one looks searchingly, is limned the [[shadow]] line of an [[idea]]...]] [[File:Arco iris circular.JPG|thumb|right|It is not to be supposed that any one will attain to the full realization of what he purposes, even when those purposes do not involve united action with others; he will fall short… But something he will attain, if he continues to aim high.]] [[File:Double-alaskan-rainbow.jpg|thumb|right|Do not preach the straight and narrow way while going joyously upon the wide one. Preach the wide one, or do not preach at all...]] * '''In everything that lives, if one looks searchingly, is limned the shadow line of an idea''' — an idea, dead or living, sometimes stronger when dead, with rigid, unswerving lines that mark the living embodiment with the stern immobile cast of the non-living. Daily we move among these unyielding shadows, less pierceable, more enduring than granite, with the blackness of ages in them, dominating living, changing bodies, with dead, unchanging souls. And we meet, also, living souls dominating dying bodies — living ideas regnant over decay and death. '''Do not imagine that I speak of human life alone. The stamp of persistent or of shifting Will is visible in the grass-blade rooted in its clod of earth, as in the gossamer web of being that floats and swims far over our heads in the free world of air. <br> Regnant ideas, everywhere! Did you ever see a dead vine bloom? I have seen it.''' * If the doctrine of free-will has raised up fanatics and persecutors, who, assuming that men may be good under all conditions if they merely wish to be so, have sought to persuade other men's wills with threats, fines, imprisonments, torture, the spike, the wheel, the axe, the fagot, in order to make them good and save them against their obdurate wills; if the doctrine of Spiritualism, the soul supreme, has done this, the doctrine of Materialistic Determinism has produced shifting, self-excusing, worthless, parasitical characters, who are this now and that at some other time, and anything and nothing upon principle. "My conditions have made me so," they cry, and there is no more to be said; poor mirror-ghosts! how could they help it! * '''It is not to be supposed that any one will attain to the full realization of what he purposes, even when those purposes do not involve united action with others'''; he will fall short; he will in some measure be overcome by contending or inert opposition. '''But something he will attain, if he continues to aim high.''' <br> What, then, would I have? you ask. '''I would have men invest themselves with the dignity of an aim higher than the chase for wealth; choose a thing to do in life outside of the making of things, and keep it in mind, — not for a day, nor a year, but for a life-time.''' And then keep faith with themselves! Not be a light-o'-love, to-day professing this and to-morrow that, and easily reading oneself out of both whenever it becomes convenient; not advocating a thing to-day and to-morrow kissing its enemies' sleeve, with that weak, coward cry in the mouth, "Circumstances make me." Take a good look into yourself, and if you love Things and the power and the plenitude of Things better than you love your own dignity, human dignity, Oh, say so, say so! Say it to yourself, and abide by it. But do not blow hot and cold in one breath. Do not try to be a social reformer and a respected possessor of Things at the same time. '''Do not preach the straight and narrow way while going joyously upon the wide one. Preach the wide one, or do not preach at all; but do not fool yourself by saying you would like to help usher in a free society, but you cannot sacrifice an armchair for it.''' * '''If you choose the liberty and pride and strength of the single soul, and the free fraternization of men, as the purpose which your life is to make manifest then do not sell it for tinsel.''' Think that your soul is strong and will hold its way; and slowly, through bitter struggle perhaps the strength will grow. And the foregoing of possessions for which others barter the last possibility of freedom will become easy. * '''Let us have Men, Men who will say a word to their souls and keep it — keep it not when it is easy, but keep it when it is hard''' — keep it when the storm roars and there is a white-streaked sky and blue thunder before, and one's eyes are blinded and one's ears deafened with the war of opposing things; and keep it under the long leaden sky and the gray dreariness that never lifts. '''Hold unto the last: that is what it means to have a Dominant Idea, which Circumstance cannot break. And such men make and unmake Circumstance.''' === ''The Mexican Revolt'' (1911) === :<small>''[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/voltairine-de-cleyre-the-mexican-revolt?v=1707879518 The Mexican Revolt]'', ''Mother Earth'' 6 no. 6 (August 1911): 167-171</small> * At last we see [[Mexican Revolution|a genuine awakening of a people]], not to political demands alone, but to economic ones,—fundamentally economic ones. And in the brief period of a few months, some millions of human beings have sprung to a full consciousness of a system of wrong, beginning where all slaveries begin, in the sources of life. They have struck for [[W:Land and liberty (slogan)|Land And Liberty]]. And even if their revolt shall be crushed by the mailed hand of the [[W:United States involvement in the Mexican Revolution|United States Government]] (for I do not believe the present nondescript thing calling itself a government, in [[Mexico]], has craft or power to pacify or crush all the seething elements of rebellion), yet it has set a foremost mark upon the record of human demand, from which hereafter there will be no retreat. From now on, when an oppressed people revolt, they will not demand less. * In the storm-wind of popular revolt, rising, no prophet could have foretold when, nor gazer at the aftermath just why it was the chosen hour, in that strong clean-sweeping of the psychic atmosphere, millions of unlettered and otherwise ignorant people saw, as with lightning sharpness cutting a black night, the foundation of all their wrong, and heard the slogan “Land and Liberty” to which their ears were so long deaf,—heard it, raised it, acted on it, are acting on it. With that clear and direct perception of the needful thing to do which lettered men, men of complex lives, nearly always lack, being befogged by too many lights, they move straight upon their purpose, hew down the landmarks, burn the records of the title-deeds. * Once a great human demand is so made, it is never let go again. Future revolts will go on from there; they will never fall behind it. * As the peoples always move,—as Life, which is greater than the peoples, always moves. And the business of the revolutionist, the Seeker for the Changes of Old Forms, the dreamer of Liberty and Plenty, is to be with them in their struggle, in their victory, in their defeat, whenever, wherever, the people rise. * Hail to the Mexican Revolution, victorious or defeated. And hail to the next that rises! === ''Direct Action'' (1912) === :<small>''[http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/direct.html Direct Action]'', Address in Chicago (21 January 1912); published in ''Mother Earth'' (1912)</small> [[File:Circa in Israel 2.JPG|thumb|right|Those who, by the [[essence]] of their belief, are committed to Direct Action only are — just who? Why, the non-resistants; precisely those who do not [[believe]] in [[violence]] at all!]] [[File:Quaker Peace Star.png|thumb|The [[w:Puritan|Puritans]] had accused the [[Quakers]] of "troubling the [[world]] by preaching [[peace]] to it." They refused to pay church taxes; they refused to bear arms; they refused to swear allegiance to any [[government]].]] [[File:A monument of working class.JPG|thumb|right|There is one common struggle against those who have appropriated the [[earth]], the [[money]], and the [[machines]].]] * '''Every person who ever thought he had a right to assert, and went boldly and asserted it, himself, or jointly with others that shared his convictions, was a [[w:Direct action|direct actionist]].''' Some thirty years ago I recall that [[w:The Salvation Army|the Salvation Army]] was vigorously practising direct action in the maintenance of the freedom of its members to speak, assemble, and pray. Over and over they were arrested, fined, and imprisoned; but they kept right on singing, praying, and marching, till they finally compelled their persecutors to let them alone. * '''Those who, by the essence of their belief, are committed to Direct Action only are — just who? Why, the non-resistants; precisely those who do not believe in violence at all!''' Now do not make the mistake of inferring that I say direct action means non-resistance; not by any means. Direct action may be the extreme of violence, or it may be as peaceful as the waters of the Brook of Siloa that go softly. '''What I say is, that the real non-resistants can believe in direct action only, never in political action. For the basis of all political action is coercion; even when the State does good things, it finally rests on a club, a gun, or a prison, for its power to carry them through.''' * '''The [[w:Puritan|Puritans]] had accused the [[Quakers]] of "troubling the world by preaching [[peace]] to it." They refused to pay church taxes; they refused to bear arms; they refused to swear allegiance to any [[government]].''' (In so doing they were direct actionists, what we may call negative direct actionists.) So the Puritans, being political actionists, passed laws to keep them out, to deport, to fine, to imprison, to mutilate, and finally, to hang them. And the Quakers just kept on coming (which was positive direct action); and history records that after the hanging of four Quakers, and the flogging of Margaret Brewster at the cart's tail through the streets of Boston, "the Puritans gave up trying to silence the new missionaries"; that "Quaker persistence and Quaker non-resistance had won the day." * '''Workers, the most absolutely necessary part of the whole social structure, without whose services none can either eat, or clothe, or shelter himself, are just the ones who get the least to eat, to wear, and to be housed withal''' — to say nothing of their share of the other social benefits which the rest of us are supposed to furnish, such as education and artistic gratification. * '''There is one common struggle against those who have appropriated the earth, the money, and the machines.''' * The most that a working-class party could do, even if its politicians remained honest, would be to form a strong faction in the legislatures which might, by combining its vote with one side or another, win certain political or economic palliatives. <br> But what the working-class can do, when once they grow into a solidified organization, is to show the possessing class, through a sudden cessation of all work, that the whole social structure rests on them; that the possessions of the others are absolutely worthless to them without the workers' activity; that such protests, such strikes, are inherent in the system of property and will continually recur until the whole thing is abolished — and having shown that effectively, proceed to expropriate. == Quotes about de Cleyre == [[File:Love is Freedom.svg|thumb|A brilliant mind, a fervent idealist, an unflinching [[fighter]], a devoted and loyal comrade. Her [[strongest]] characteristic was her extraordinary capacity to conquer physical disability — a trait which won for her the [[respect]] even of her [[enemies]] and the [[love]] and [[admiration]] of her [[friends]]. ~ [[Emma Goldman]] ]] *I found her a fascinating person. I read her poetry and stories and found a sadness in her. **[[Paul Avrich]] [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/susan-phillips-paul-avrich-love-and-anarchy Interview] (2002) *Nature has the habit of and then producing a type of human being far in advance of the times; an ideal for us to emulate; a being devoid of sham, uncompromising, and to whom the truth is sacred; a being whose selfishness is so large that it takes in the whole human race and treats self only as one of the great mass; a being keen to sense all forms of wrong, and powerful in denunciation of it; one who can reach into the future and draw it nearer. Such a being was VOLTAIRINE DE CLEYRE. **[[Jay Fox]] tribute quoted in [[Alexander Berkman]]'s Introduction to [https://archive.org/details/selectedworksofv00declrich/mode/2up ''The Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre''] (1914) * '''The first time I met her — this most gifted and brilliant anarchist woman America ever produced — was in Philadelphia, in August 1893.''' I had come to that city to address the unemployed during the great crisis of that year, and I was eager to visit Voltairine of whose exceptional ability as a lecturer I had heard while in New York. I found her ill in bed, her head packed in ice, her face drawn with pain. I learned that this experience repeated itself with Voltairine after her every public appearance: she would be bed-ridden for days, in constant agony from some disease of the nervous system which she had developed in early childhood and which continued to grow worse with the years. I did not remain long on this first visit, owing to the evident suffering of my hostess, though she was bravely trying to hide her pain from me. But fate plays strange pranks. In the evening of the same day, Voltairine de Cleyre was called upon to drag her frail, suffering body to a densely packed, stuffy hall, to speak in my stead. At the request of the New York authorities, the protectors of law and disorder in Philadelphia captured me as I was about to enter the Hall and led me off to the Police Station of the City of Brotherly Love. <br> The next time I saw Voltairine was at Blackwell's Island Penitentiary. She had come to New York to deliver her masterly address, ''In Defense of Emma Goldman and Free Speech'', and she visited me in prison. From that time until her end our lives and work were frequently thrown together, often meeting harmoniously and sometimes drifting apart, but always with Voltairine standing out in my eyes as a forceful personality, '''a brilliant mind, a fervent idealist, an unflinching fighter, a devoted and loyal comrade. But her strongest characteristic was her extraordinary capacity to conquer physical disability — a trait which won for her the respect even of her enemies and the love and admiration of her friends.''' ** [[Emma Goldman]], [http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/goldman/Writings/Essays/voltairine.html "Voltairine De Cleyre" (1932)] *While [[Luisa Capetillo]] theorized about women and anarchism in Puerto Rico, her contemporaries did the same in many other countries, among them Argentina, Mexico, Uruguay, Spain and the United States. [[Juana Belén Gutiérrez]] (1875-1942) in México, [[Maria Collazo]] (n.d.) in Uruguay, [[Juana Rouco Buela]] (1889-1969) in Argentina, [[Voltairine de Cleyre]] (1866-1914) in the United States, and [[Teresa Clamunt]] (1862-1981) in Spain, preached the emancipation of women and free love and fought for workers' rights while living lives consonant with their ideals. **[[Norma Valle-Ferrer]], ''Luisa Capetillo, Pioneer Puerto Rican Feminist'' ===''Anarchist Women, 1870-1920'' by Margaret S Marsh (1981)=== * De Cleyre exemplified the anarchist fascination with spontaneous emotion, with feeling, with intuitive insight. She urged her hearers to eschew a purely intellectual commitment to the cause, to feel rather than think their way into anarchism: “Turn cloudward, . let the dreams rush over one-no longer awed by outside powers.-recognizing nothing superior to oneself,... letting oneself go free, go free beyond the bounds of what fear and custom call the "possible"-This, . . . Anarchism may mean to you, if you dare apply it so." The reward for this emotional conversion was immediate psychological liberation from conventional society; the individual became free, even if political, economic, and social systems remained unchanged. Although de Cleyre suggested that the restructuring of institutions ultimately would develop from this initial emotional rebirth, it was never clear how such changes would come about. * In neither of her two most important theoretical essays, "Anarchism" and "Anarchism and American Traditions," did de Cleyre try to bring her anarchist and feminist concerns together. * De Cleyre possessed one of the best minds among the American anarchists, and her essays, particularly in the early twentieth century, were sophisticated and subtle. On the other hand, the other anarchist-feminists who attempted to explain anarchist ideas tended to approach every problem as a separate issue without reconciling, or in some cases even noticing, disharmonies and contradictions. * ''News from Nowhere'' by [[William Morris]] was one of Voltairine de Cleyre's favorite books * In the twentieth century de Cleyre and Goldman elaborated Lizzie May Holmes's ideas. Their views provided the theoretical foundation for the Modern School, the first full-scale anarchist educational experiment in the United States…Although de Cleyre's years as a teacher helped to form her educational ideas, both she and Goldman became associated with the Modern School movement as a result of their involvement in the cause of [[Francisco Ferrer]] * De Cleyre had argued in 1910 that: “The really ideal school, which would not be a compromise, would be a boarding school built in the country, having a farm attached, and workshops where useful crafts might be learned, in daily connection with intellectual training. . . . In free contact with nature, the children would learn to use their limbs as nature meant, feel their intimate relationship with the growing life of other sorts, form a profound respect for work and an estimate of the value of it; wish to become real doers in the world, and not mere gatherers of other men's products. * Both de Cleyre and Goldman looked forward to a society in which gender did not form the basis for differences of personality, temperament, or intellectual interests. * No single figure better represents the complexities and contradictions, the strengths and weaknesses, or the ambiguities of anarchist-feminism than Voltairine de Cleyre. Yet until recently we knew very little about the second most important woman in the American anarchist movement, in part because [[Emma Goldman]]-who had served as this country's symbol of anarchist womanhood during her and de Cleyre's lifetimes-eclipsed de Cleyre after their deaths as well...de Cleyre's career was marked by less notoriety and by a quieter, though nonetheless genuine, defiance of American norms of femininity. To a degree, de Cleyre chose a comparatively less aggressive role than Goldman. Although during her early years as an anarchist propagandist she had participated in a wide variety of reform and radical activities, from the late nineties until her death she worked largely among anarchists. * A year after de Cleyre's death, the Syndicalist called her a radical of "the type that always hews to the line, that is never lured from the straight direct road to freedom." Jay Fox, editor of the Demonstrator, eulogized her in these words: “Nature has the habit now and then of producing a type of human being far in advance of the times; an ideal for us to emulate; a being devoid of sham, uncompromising, and to whom the truth is sacred; a being whose selfishness is so large that it takes in the whole human race and treats self only as one of the great mass; a being keen to sense all forms of wrong, and powerful in denunciation of it; one who can reach into the future and draw it nearer. Such a being was Voltairine de Cleyre.” De Cleyre's friend Harry Kelly saw her life as one of "austerity that has hardly a parallel even in revolutionary ranks." Only Leonard Abbott seemed willing to allow her humanness, saying that "she fought without illusions, but she fought to the end." But the anarchists, in decline and disarray, were unable to face de Cleyre without illusions, so they canonized her. * Carl Nold touched on the essential distinction between the two women. "Emma Goldman tried to attract her hearers with a bass-drum. Voltairine de Cleyre has done it with a violin." * In the final analysis, neither woman was successful in her most cherished goal: to bring about a revolution that would crush capitalism, topple male supremacy, and usher in new freedoms for men, women, and children. In another sense, however, both were great successes. Goldman felt that despite her defeats, her life was indeed worth living. De Cleyre, a more introspective and questioning person, sometimes felt doubt about her choices. Yet she lived her life as a free and independent woman, and participated in a work that she believed had the potential to liberate humankind economically, politically, socially, and sexually. Because of de Cleyre, and the other anarchist-feminists, we can understand far better what it meant to choose to live in contradiction to the larger society, and to be aware of the costs and consequences of such a choice. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource|Author:Voltairine de Cleyre}} {{commonscat}} *[http://voltairine.org ''Voltairine de Cleyre : The Exquisite Rebel''] *[http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/cleyreCW.html Collected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre] at the [[w:Anarchy Archives|Anarchy Archives]] * [http://books.google.com/books?id=wLmXwmmq10AC ''Selected Works of Voltairine de Cleyre'' (1914) - PDF at Google] *[http://sunsite.berkeley.edu/Goldman/Writings/Essays/voltairine.html "Voltairine de Cleyre" by Emma Goldman] *[http://anarchism.ws/writers/anarcho/women/voltairine.html "The legacy of Voltairine De Cleyre" Review essay by Iain McKay, ''Anarcho-Syndicalist Review'', #44 (Summer 2006)] *[http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/presley.html "Voltairine de Cleyre" by Sharon Presley, ''The Storm!'' (Winter 1979)] *[http://library.nothingness.org/articles/SA/en/display/338 "No Authority but Oneself :The Anarchist Feminist Philosophy of Autonomy and Freedom" by Sharon Presley in ''Social Anarchism'' #27 (Fall/Winter 2000)] * [http://www.anarchyisorder.org/CD%234/TXT-versions/De%20Cleyre,%20Voltairine%20-%20Poetry.txt Poetry of Voltairine De Cleyre] *[http://www.rationalreview.com/content/12006 "The Ecumenical Spirit and the Libertarian Movement" — Essay and review of books on De Cleyre by Jeff Riggenbach at ''Rational Review'' (14 May 2006)] * [http://www.archive.org/search.php?query=creator%3A%22Voltairine%20de%20Cleyre%22 de Cleyre materials at The Internet Archive] * [http://praxeology.net/VC-ETF.htm "The Economic Tendency of Freethought" (1890)] * [http://praxeology.net/VC-AC.htm "A Correction" (1907)] * [http://praxeology.net/VC-MDI.htm "They Who Marry Do Ill" (1908)] * [http://libertarian-labyrinth.org/archive/The_Mexican_Revolution_(de_Cleyre) The Mexican Revolution (29 October 1911)] * [http://libertarian-labyrinth.org/archive/The_Commune_is_Risen "The Commune is Risen" in ''Mother Earth'' Vol. 7, no. 1 (March 1912)] * [http://www.spunk.org/texts/writers/decleyre/sp001334.html "Direct Action" (1912)] {{DEFAULTSORT:Cleyre, Voltairine de}} [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:Social anarchists]] [[Category:Anarchists from the United States]] [[Category:1866 births]] [[Category:1912 deaths]] [[Category:Socialist feminists]] [[Category:Anti-war activists]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Libertarians from the United States]] [[Category:Essayists from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Orators from the United States]] [[Category:People from Michigan]] [[Category:Women born in the 19th century]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] salx7d35q992vophwuq562hjb1y7dz8 0 39294 3944453 3912351 2026-05-23T12:19:44Z ~2026-29678-77 3323638 /* Dialogue */ 3944453 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:An American Werewolf in London|An American Werewolf in London]]''''' is a [[w:1981 in film|1981 horror-comedy film]] about two American travellers who are attacked by a werewolf in Northern England. One of the travellers dies (but becomes undead), the other transforms at a full moon. :''Written and directed by [[w:John Landis|John Landis]]. '' {{center|'''From the director of Animal House... comes a different kind of animal''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == David Kessler == * ''[while transforming]'' I didn't mean to call you a meatloaf, Jack! == Dr. J. S. Hirsch == * If the villagers believe that Jack Goodman was killed by a werewolf, why shouldn't David? And then it follows, that if he survived an attack by a werewolf, wouldn't he himself become a werewolf at the next full moon? Oh, I don't mean running about on all fours and howling at the moon; but, in such a deranged state he might harm himself. Perhaps other people. == Other == * '''Little boy''': A naked American man stole my balloons. == Dialogue == :'''Jack''': The Slaughtered Lamb? :'''David''': Of course, The Slaughtered Lamb. Why else would they have a severed fox head on a spear as their symbol? :'''Jack''': That's a wolf's head. :'''David''': Of course, The Slaughtered Lamb. Why else would they have a severed wolf's head on a spear as their symbol? :'''Jack''': That's not a spear. It's a pike. :'''David''': A severed wolf's head on a pike as their symbol. :'''Jack''': David, before we go in there I want you to know that - no matter what happens to us - it's your fault. :'''David''': I assume full responsibility. :'''Jack''': Okay. :'''David''': Shall we? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dart Player''': Go. Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors. :'''David''': Yeah. Thank you. :'''Chess Player''': Beware the moon, lads. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': It's a full moon... :'''David & Jack''': Beware the moon... :'''David''': Keep off the moors. :'''Jack''': And stick to the road. :''[they look down to see that they have wandered off the road]'' :'''David''': Oops. :''[they hear the howl again]'' :'''Jack''': I vote we go back to the Slaughtered Lamb. :'''David''': Yeah, great idea. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A howl is heard in the distance]'' :'''Jack''': Did you hear that? :'''David''': I heard that. :'''Jack''': What was it? :'''David''': Could be a lot of things. :'''Jack''': Yeah? :'''David''': A coyote. :'''Jack''': There aren't any coyotes in England. :'''David''': [[w:The Hound of the Baskervilles|The Hound of the Baskervilles]]. :'''Jack''': Pecos Bill. :'''David''': [[w:Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights)|Heathcliff]]. :'''Jack''': Heathcliff didn't howl! :'''David''': No, but he was on the moors. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Hirsch''': Did you get a good look at the man who attacked you? :'''David''': I've told you, it wasn't a man. It was an animal. A big wolf or something. A rabid dog. :'''Dr. Hirsch''': Yes. :'''David''': Look, Dr. Hirsch, I know I've been traumatized, but Jack was torn apart. I saw him. A man can't do that to someone with his bare hands. :'''Dr. Hirsch''': You'd be surprised what horrors a man is capable of. :'''David''': Did you see Jack? :'''Dr. Hirsch''': No. In fact, your wounds were cleaned and dressed before you arrived here. :'''David''': Did you talk to the police in East Proctor? Did the cops go to The Slaughtered Lamb? :'''Dr. Hirsch''': I really don't know. :'''David''': Then why the hell are you so quick to disbelieve me? You yourself said it must have taken incredible strength to tear apart a person like that. :'''Dr. Hirsch''': David, please. The police are satisfied. I'm certain that if a monster were out roaming northern England we'd have seen it on the telly. :'''David''': You really think I'm crazy, don't you? :'''Dr. Hirsch''': Believe me. ''The Hound of the Baskervilles'' was an invention of Sir [[Arthur Conan Doyle]]'s. And if you'd read the bloody book, you'd find that Holmes discovered your hound of hell a fraud, a fake. ''[pause]'' Now really, David. You're far too intelligent to go on this way. When you return to America I want you to seek out a competent psychiatrist or psychologist or something and stop this nonsense. You'll be leaving this hospital in three or four days, please remain sane. At least until you are no longer our responsibility. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Can I have a piece of toast? :'''David''': ...Get the fuck outta here, Jack. :'''Jack''': Thanks a lot. :'''David''': No.. I can't take this... Am I asleep now or awake or what? :'''Jack''': I realise I don't look so hot, David... ''[picks toast]'' but I though you'd be glad to see me. ''[beat]'' David! You're hurting my feelings! :'''David''': Hurting your feelings? Has it occurred to you that it might be unsettling to see you rise from the grave to visit me? :'''Jack''': Sorry to be upsetting you David, but I had to come. ''[munch]'' :'''David''': Aren't you supposed to be buried someplace in New York? :'''Jack''': Yeah. Your parents came to my funeral. I was surprised at how many people came. :'''David''': Why would you be surprised? You were a very well-liked person. :'''Jack''': Yeah. I was, wasn't I? :'''David''': Well, I liked you. :'''Jack''': Debbie Klein cried a lot. :'''David''': Oh God, am I asleep now or what? :'''Jack''': So.. so you know what she does? She's so grief-stricken she runs to find solace in Mark Levine's bed. :'''David''': Mark Levine? :'''Jack''': An asshole. Life mocks me even in death. :'''David''': I'm going completely crazy.... :'''Jack''': ...DAVID!! :'''David''': What!? :'''Jack''': Now, I'm really sorry to be upsetting you, but I have to warn you. :'''David''': Warn me? :'''Jack''': We were attacked by a werewolf. :'''David''': ''[covers ears]'' I'm not listening to this! :'''Jack''': On the moors. We were attacked by a [[w:lycanthrope|lycanthrope]]. A werewolf. ''[David uncovers ears]'' I was murdered. An unnatural death. And now I walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted. :'''David''': Shut up! :'''Jack''': The wolf's bloodline must be severed. The last remaining werewolf must be destroyed. ''[beat; points]'' It's ''you'', David. :'''David''': What...? :'''Jack''': Please believe me. You'll kill people. :'''David''': ''NURSE!!'' :'''Jack''': Listen to me! :'''David''': ''Nurse''..! :'''Jack''': The supernatural, the power of darkness — it's all true. The undead surround me. Have you ever talked to a corpse? It's ''boring!'' I'm lonely! Take your life, David. Kill yourself... before you kill others. ''[David sobs]'' Please don't cry. ''[hears nurse coming]'' Beware the moon, David. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': I'm a werewolf. :'''Alex''': A werewolf? ''[she holds him until he calms]'' Are you better now? :'''David''': I'll let you know the next full moon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': I'll be perfectly honest with you David, I'm not in the habit of bringing home stray, young American men. :'''David''': I should hope not. :'''Alex''': I find you very attractive - and a little bit sad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': ''[sees Jack in bathroom mirror and screams]'' You're not real! :'''Jack''': Ah, don't be a putz David, come here. A nurse huh.? :'''David''': ''[closes door]'' Shhh, come on. What are you doing here? :'''Jack''': I wanted to see you :''[picks up Mickey mouse figure; high pitched]'' :'''Jack''': Hi, David. :'''David''': Put that down! Ok you've seen me now go away. :'''Jack''': I'm sorry I'm upsetting you David, but you don't understand what's going on. :'''David''': I understand all right, you're one of the undead and I'm a werewolf. :'''Jack''': Yes, that's right. :'''David''': Get out of here Jack. :'''Jack''': Tomorrow night's the full moon, you're gonna change you'll become... :'''David''': I know, I know... A monster. :'''Jack''': You gotta kill yourself David, before it's too late. :'''David''': Are you really dead Jack? :'''Jack''': What do you think? :'''David''': I think I've lost my mind. I think you're not, I think you're just another part of bad dream. :'''Jack''': You've gotta believe me David. :'''David''': Believe what?, that tomorrow night under the full moon I'll grow hair and fang's and eat people, bullshit! :'''Jack''': Oh goddamnit David please believe me!, you'll kill and make others like me I'm not having a nice time here. You gotta take your own life. :'''David''': I will not accept this, go away! :'''Jack''': This is not pretend David. :'''David''': I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': Jack was right! :'''Alex''': Jack is ''dead!'' :'''David''': Jack is dead and six people are dead! There's gonna be a full moon tonight, I'm going to the cops! :'''Alex''': David, please be rational! Let's go to Dr. Hirsch! :'''David''': Yeah, be rational, sure. I'm a werewolf, for Christ's sake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': Alex, you won't believe this. I've lost my mind. I woke up at the zoo! But you know what? I feel terrific! :'''Alex''': The zoo? :'''David''': Waking up at the zoo, that's not so insane. Having no clothes on? That's insane. What did I do last night, Alex? :'''Alex''': Don't you remember? :'''David''': I said goodbye to you. I was locked out of the flat. I climbed the wall and came in through the bathroom window. I started to read and then I was naked at the zoo! I guess I am out of my fucking mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': ''[in Trafalgar Square]'' I want you to arrest me, asshole! :'''Policeman''': There's no call for that kind of language. :'''David''': [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth]] is a man! [[Charles, Prince of Wales|Prince Charles]] is a faggot! [[Winston Churchill]] was full of shit! :'''Policeman''': That's enough. :'''David''': No! Let go of me! :'''Alex''': David, please! :'''David''': [[Shakespeare]]'s French! Fuck! Shit! Cunt! Shit! :'''Policeman''': You keep this up, sir, and I will be forced to arrest you. :'''David''': That's what I want you to do, you moron! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': I want you to meet some people. David Kessler, this is Gerald Bringsly. Gerald's the man you murdered on the subway. We thought it best for you not to see him, as he's a fresh kill and still pretty messy. :'''Bringsly''': ''[with a slashed, bloodied face]'' Yes. I do look most unpleasant. :'''David''': Why are you doing this to me? :'''Bringsly''': This isn't Mr. Goodman's idea. He's your good friend, whereas I am a victim of your carnivorous lunar activities. :'''David''': Mr. Bringsly... I'm sorry. I have absolutely no idea what to say to you. :'''Bringsly''': You've left my wife a widow, and my children fatherless. And I understand I am to walk the earth in limbo, one of the living dead, until the wolf's bloodline is severed and the curse lifted. You must die, David Kessler. :'''Jack''': David, this is Harry Berman and his fiancee Judith Browns. :'''Harry''': ''[bloodied and cheerful]'' Hello. :'''Judith''': ''[also bloodied and cheerful]'' Hello! :'''Jack''': And these gentlemen are Alf, Ted, and Joseph. :'''Ted''': Can't say we're pleased to meet you, Mr. Kessler. :'''David''': What shall I do? :'''Jack''': Suicide. :'''Harry''': You must take your own life. :'''David''': That's easy for you to say - you're already dead! :'''Bringsly''': No, David. Harry and I and everyone you murder are not dead. The ''undead''. :'''David''': Why are you doing this to me? :'''Jack''': Because this must be stopped. :'''David''': How shall I do it? :'''Judith''': Sleeping pills? :'''Alf''': Not sure enough! :'''David''': I could hang myself. :'''Jack''': No. No, if you did it wrong, it could be painful. You'd choke to death. :'''Joseph''': So what? Let 'im choke! :'''Jack''': Do you mind? The man's a friend of mine. :'''Joseph''': Well he ain't no friend to me! :'''Bringsly''': Gentlemen, please. :'''Harry''': A gun! :'''Alf''': I know where you can get a gun. :'''David''': Don't I need a silver bullet or something? :'''Jack''': ''[rolling his eyes]'' Oh, be serious, would you? :'''David''': Madness... :'''Harry''': No, a gun would be good! :'''Judith''': Yes, you just put the gun to your forehead and pull the trigger! :'''Bringsly''': If you put it in your mouth, you'd be sure not to miss. :'''David''': Thank you, you're all so thoughtful. :'''Alf''': A knife. :'''Harry''': An electric shock. :'''Judith''': A car crash. :'''Bringsly''': You could throw yourself in front of a tube. :'''Ted''': Drowning! == Taglines == * From the director of ''Animal House''... Comes a different kind of animal. * Something different. * A masterpiece of terror. == Cast == * [[w:David Naughton (actor)|David Naughton]] — David Kessler * [[w:Griffin Dunne|Griffin Dunne]] — Jack Goodman * [[w:Jenny Agutter|Jenny Agutter]] — Nurse Alex Price * [[w:John Woodvine|John Woodvine]] - Dr. J. S. Hirsch * [[w:Michael Carter (actor)|Michael Carter]] - Gerard Bringsley * [[w:Don McKillop|Don McKillop]] - Inspector Villiers * [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Mr. Collins * Paul Kember - Sergeant McManus * [[w:Sydney Bromley|Sydney Bromley]] - Alf * [[w:Frank Singuineau|Frank Singuineau]] - Ted * Will Leighton - Joseph * [[w:Geoffrey Burridge|Geoffrey Burridge]] - Harry Berman * Brenda Cavendish - Judith Browns == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0082010|title=An American Werewolf in London}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=american_werewolf_in_london|title=An American Werewolf in London}} {{DEFAULTSORT:American Werewolf in London, An}} [[Category:1981 films]] [[Category:1980s American films]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Films about werewolves]] [[Category:Films about vacationing]] [[Category:Films directed by John Landis]] [[Category:Films set in London]] [[Category:Films about Jews and Judaism]] lk8cx67qp6yvlyi5ayvnipc80ygi6wp 3944454 3944453 2026-05-23T12:21:12Z ~2026-29678-77 3323638 /* Dialogue */ 3944454 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:An American Werewolf in London|An American Werewolf in London]]''''' is a [[w:1981 in film|1981 horror-comedy film]] about two American travellers who are attacked by a werewolf in Northern England. One of the travellers dies (but becomes undead), the other transforms at a full moon. :''Written and directed by [[w:John Landis|John Landis]]. '' {{center|'''From the director of Animal House... comes a different kind of animal''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == David Kessler == * ''[while transforming]'' I didn't mean to call you a meatloaf, Jack! == Dr. J. S. Hirsch == * If the villagers believe that Jack Goodman was killed by a werewolf, why shouldn't David? And then it follows, that if he survived an attack by a werewolf, wouldn't he himself become a werewolf at the next full moon? Oh, I don't mean running about on all fours and howling at the moon; but, in such a deranged state he might harm himself. Perhaps other people. == Other == * '''Little boy''': A naked American man stole my balloons. == Dialogue == :'''Jack''': The Slaughtered Lamb? :'''David''': Of course, The Slaughtered Lamb. Why else would they have a severed fox head on a spear as their symbol? :'''Jack''': That's a wolf's head. :'''David''': Of course, The Slaughtered Lamb. Why else would they have a severed wolf's head on a spear as their symbol? :'''Jack''': That's not a spear. It's a pike. :'''David''': A severed wolf's head on a pike as their symbol. :'''Jack''': David, before we go in there I want you to know that - no matter what happens to us - it's your fault. :'''David''': I assume full responsibility. :'''Jack''': Okay. :'''David''': Shall we? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dart Player''': Go. Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors. :'''David''': Yeah. Thank you. :'''Chess Player''': Beware the moon, lads. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': It's a full moon... :'''David & Jack''': Beware the moon... :'''David''': Keep off the moors. :'''Jack''': And stick to the road. :''[they look down to see that they have wandered off the road]'' :'''David''': Oops. :''[they hear the howl again]'' :'''Jack''': I vote we go back to the Slaughtered Lamb. :'''David''': Yeah, great idea. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A howl is heard in the distance]'' :'''Jack''': Did you hear that? :'''David''': I heard that. :'''Jack''': What was it? :'''David''': Could be a lot of things. :'''Jack''': Yeah? :'''David''': A coyote. :'''Jack''': There aren't any coyotes in England. :'''David''': [[w:The Hound of the Baskervilles|The Hound of the Baskervilles]]. :'''Jack''': Pecos Bill. :'''David''': [[w:Heathcliff (Wuthering Heights)|Heathcliff]]. :'''Jack''': Heathcliff didn't howl! :'''David''': No, but he was on the moors. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Hirsch''': Did you get a good look at the man who attacked you? :'''David''': I've told you, it wasn't a man. It was an animal. A big wolf or something. A rabid dog. :'''Dr. Hirsch''': Yes. :'''David''': Look, Dr. Hirsch, I know I've been traumatized, but Jack was torn apart. I saw him. A man can't do that to someone with his bare hands. :'''Dr. Hirsch''': You'd be surprised what horrors a man is capable of. :'''David''': Did you see Jack? :'''Dr. Hirsch''': No. In fact, your wounds were cleaned and dressed before you arrived here. :'''David''': Did you talk to the police in East Proctor? Did the cops go to The Slaughtered Lamb? :'''Dr. Hirsch''': I really don't know. :'''David''': Then why the hell are you so quick to disbelieve me? You yourself said it must have taken incredible strength to tear apart a person like that. :'''Dr. Hirsch''': David, please. The police are satisfied. I'm certain that if a monster were out roaming northern England we'd have seen it on the telly. :'''David''': You really think I'm crazy, don't you? :'''Dr. Hirsch''': Believe me. ''The Hound of the Baskervilles'' was an invention of Sir [[Arthur Conan Doyle]]'s. And if you'd read the bloody book, you'd find that Holmes discovered your hound of hell a fraud, a fake. ''[pause]'' Now really, David. You're far too intelligent to go on this way. When you return to America I want you to seek out a competent psychiatrist or psychologist or something and stop this nonsense. You'll be leaving this hospital in three or four days, please remain sane. At least until you are no longer our responsibility. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': Can I have a piece of toast? :'''David''': ...Get the fuck outta here, Jack. :'''Jack''': Thanks a lot. :'''David''': No.. I can't take this... Am I asleep now or awake or what? :'''Jack''': I realise I don't look so hot, David... ''[picks toast]'' but I though you'd be glad to see me. ''[beat]'' David! You're hurting my feelings! :'''David''': Hurting your feelings? Has it occurred to you that it might be unsettling to see you rise from the grave to visit me? :'''Jack''': Sorry to be upsetting you David, but I had to come. ''[munch]'' :'''David''': Aren't you supposed to be buried someplace in New York? :'''Jack''': Yeah. Your parents came to my funeral. I was surprised at how many people came. :'''David''': Why would you be surprised? You were a very well-liked person. :'''Jack''': Yeah. I was, wasn't I? :'''David''': Well, I liked you. :'''Jack''': Debbie Klein cried a lot. :'''David''': Oh God, am I asleep now or what? :'''Jack''': So.. so you know what she does? She's so grief-stricken she runs to find solace in Mark Levine's bed. :'''David''': Mark Levine? :'''Jack''': An asshole. Life mocks me even in death. :'''David''': I'm going completely crazy.... :'''Jack''': ...DAVID!! :'''David''': What!? :'''Jack''': Now, I'm really sorry to be upsetting you, but I have to warn you. :'''David''': Warn me? :'''Jack''': We were attacked by a werewolf. :'''David''': ''[covers ears]'' I'm not listening to this! :'''Jack''': On the moors. We were attacked by a [[w:lycanthrope|lycanthrope]]. A werewolf. ''[David uncovers ears]'' I was murdered. An unnatural death. And now I walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted. :'''David''': Shut up! :'''Jack''': The wolf's bloodline must be severed. The last remaining werewolf must be destroyed. ''[beat; points]'' It's ''you'', David. :'''David''': What...? :'''Jack''': Please believe me. You'll kill people. :'''David''': ''NURSE!!'' :'''Jack''': Listen to me! :'''David''': ''Nurse''..! :'''Jack''': The supernatural, the power of darkness — it's all true. The undead surround me. Have you ever talked to a corpse? It's ''boring!'' I'm lonely! Take your life, David. Kill yourself... before you kill others. ''[David sobs]'' Please don't cry. ''[hears nurse coming]'' Beware the moon, David. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': I'm a werewolf. :'''Alex''': A werewolf? ''[she holds him until he calms]'' Are you better now? :'''David''': I'll let you know the next full moon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': I'll be perfectly honest with you David, I'm not in the habit of bringing home stray, young American men. :'''David''': I should hope not. :'''Alex''': I find you very attractive - and a little bit sad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': ''[sees Jack in bathroom mirror and screams]'' You're not real! :'''Jack''': Ah, don't be a putz David, come here. A nurse huh.? :'''David''': ''[closes door]'' Shhh, come on. What are you doing here? :'''Jack''': I wanted to see you :''[picks up Mickey mouse figure; high pitched]'' :'''Jack''': Hi, David. :'''David''': Put that down! Ok you've seen me now go away. :'''Jack''': I'm sorry I'm upsetting you David, but you don't understand what's going on. :'''David''': I understand all right, you're one of the undead and I'm a werewolf. :'''Jack''': Yes, that's right. :'''David''': Get out of here Jack. :'''Jack''': Tomorrow night's the full moon, you're gonna change you'll become... :'''David''': I know, I know... A monster. :'''Jack''': You gotta kill yourself David, before it's too late. :'''David''': Are you really dead Jack? :'''Jack''': What do you think? :'''David''': I think I've lost my mind. I think you're not, I think you're just another part of bad dream. :'''Jack''': You've gotta believe me David. :'''David''': Believe what?, that tomorrow night under the full moon I'll grow hair and fang's and eat people, bullshit! :'''Jack''': Oh goddamnit David please believe me!, you'll kill and make others like me I'm not having a nice time here. You gotta take your own life. :'''David''': I will not accept this, go away! :'''Jack''': This is not pretend David. :'''David''': I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': Jack was right! :'''Alex''': Jack is ''dead!'' :'''David''': Jack is dead and six people are dead! There's gonna be a full moon tonight, I'm going to the cops! :'''Alex''': David, please be rational! Let's go to Dr. Hirsch! :'''David''': Yeah, be rational, sure. I'm a werewolf, for Christ's sake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': Alex, you won't believe this. I've lost my mind. I woke up at the zoo! But you know what? I feel terrific! :'''Alex''': The zoo? :'''David''': Waking up at the zoo, that's not so insane. Having no clothes on? That's insane. What did I do last night, Alex? :'''Alex''': Don't you remember? :'''David''': I said goodbye to you. I was locked out of the flat. I climbed the wall and came in through the bathroom window. I started to read and then I was naked at the zoo! I guess I am out of my fucking mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David''': ''[in Trafalgar Square]'' I want you to arrest me, asshole! :'''Policeman''': There's no call for that kind of language. :'''David''': [[Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|Queen Elizabeth]] is a man! [[Charles, Prince of Wales|Prince Charles]] is a faggot! [[Winston Churchill]] was full of shit! :'''Policeman''': That's enough. :'''David''': No! Let go of me! :'''Alex''': David, please! :'''David''': [[Shakespeare]]'s French! Fuck! Shit! Cunt! Shit! :'''Policeman''': You keep this up, sir, and I will be forced to arrest you. :'''David''': That's what I want you to do, you moron! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jack''': I want you to meet some people. David Kessler, this is Gerald Bringsly. Gerald's the man you murdered on the subway. We thought it best for you not to see him, as he's a fresh kill and still pretty messy. :'''Bringsly''': ''[with a slashed, bloodied face]'' Yes. I do look most unpleasant. :'''David''': Why are you doing this to me? :'''Bringsly''': This isn't Mr. Goodman's idea. He's your good friend, whereas I am a victim of your carnivorous lunar activities. :'''David''': Mr. Bringsly... I'm sorry. I have absolutely no idea what to say to you. :'''Bringsly''': You've left my wife a widow, and my children fatherless. And I understand I am to walk the earth in limbo, one of the living dead, until the wolf's bloodline is severed and the curse lifted. You must die, David Kessler. :'''Jack''': David, this is Harry Berman and his fiancee Judith Browns. :'''Harry''': ''[bloodied and cheerful]'' Hello. :'''Judith''': ''[also bloodied and cheerful]'' Hello! :'''Jack''': And these gentlemen are Alf, Ted, and Joseph. :'''Ted''': Can't say we're pleased to meet you, Mr. Kessler. :'''David''': What shall I do? :'''Jack''': Suicide. :'''Harry''': You must take your own life. :'''David''': That's easy for you to say - you're already dead! :'''Bringsly''': No, David. Harry and I and everyone you murder are not dead. The ''undead''. :'''David''': Why are you doing this to me? :'''Jack''': Because this must be stopped. :'''David''': How shall I do it? :'''Judith''': Sleeping pills? :'''Alf''': Not sure enough! :'''David''': I could hang myself. :'''Jack''': No. No, if you did it wrong, it could be painful. You'd choke to death. :'''Joseph''': So what? Let 'im choke! :'''Jack''': Do you mind? The man's a friend of mine. :'''Joseph''': Well he ain't no friend to me! :'''Bringsly''': Gentlemen, please. :'''Harry''': A gun! :'''Alf''': I know where you can get a gun. :'''David''': Don't I need a silver bullet or something? :'''Jack''': ''[rolling his eyes]'' Oh, be serious, would you? :'''David''': Madness... :'''Harry''': No, a gun would be good! :'''Judith''': Yes, you just put the gun to your forehead and pull the trigger! :'''Bringsly''': But if you put it in your mouth, you'd be sure not to miss. :'''David''': Thank you, you're all so thoughtful. :'''Alf''': A knife. :'''Harry''': An electric shock. :'''Judith''': A car crash. :'''Bringsly''': You could throw yourself in front of a tube. :'''Ted''': Drowning! == Taglines == * From the director of ''Animal House''... Comes a different kind of animal. * Something different. * A masterpiece of terror. == Cast == * [[w:David Naughton (actor)|David Naughton]] — David Kessler * [[w:Griffin Dunne|Griffin Dunne]] — Jack Goodman * [[w:Jenny Agutter|Jenny Agutter]] — Nurse Alex Price * [[w:John Woodvine|John Woodvine]] - Dr. J. S. Hirsch * [[w:Michael Carter (actor)|Michael Carter]] - Gerard Bringsley * [[w:Don McKillop|Don McKillop]] - Inspector Villiers * [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]] - Mr. Collins * Paul Kember - Sergeant McManus * [[w:Sydney Bromley|Sydney Bromley]] - Alf * [[w:Frank Singuineau|Frank Singuineau]] - Ted * Will Leighton - Joseph * [[w:Geoffrey Burridge|Geoffrey Burridge]] - Harry Berman * Brenda Cavendish - Judith Browns == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0082010|title=An American Werewolf in London}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=american_werewolf_in_london|title=An American Werewolf in London}} {{DEFAULTSORT:American Werewolf in London, An}} [[Category:1981 films]] [[Category:1980s American films]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Films about werewolves]] [[Category:Films about vacationing]] [[Category:Films directed by John Landis]] [[Category:Films set in London]] [[Category:Films about Jews and Judaism]] rpa3bwcwi0v9je1up17levku0i0jg3v 0 39472 3944593 3944423 2026-05-23T21:35:26Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944593 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]] loq.) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] p30kpfmsbp4sf3pchnmiecemvwlmp6z 3944695 3944593 2026-05-24T03:39:13Z Ficaia 3085955 3944695 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]]) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 54b99ks4gcfqe7snogr2n33lxzg15h6 3944708 3944695 2026-05-24T04:12:00Z Ficaia 3085955 3944708 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Fine-tressed Dēmētēr. ** Book 5, line 125 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]]) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] eiq92lcloflf6ht28dilggbuibbt7i3 3944713 3944708 2026-05-24T04:25:42Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey: A New Translation (2018) */ 3944713 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Fine-tressed Dēmētēr. ** Book 5, line 125 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * Zeus of Enclosures. ** Book 22, line 335 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]]) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] hbcvwh0ig4wrqbt8jqvalwuqxtmj3ri 3944738 3944713 2026-05-24T05:23:26Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey: A New Translation (2018) */ 3944738 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] [[File:Demeter statue British Museum c1865 (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[wikt:ἐϋπλόκαμος|ἐυπλόκαμος]] Δημήτηρ.{{pb}}Fine-tressed Dēmētēr.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Fine-tressed Dēmētēr. ** Book 5, line 125 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * Zeus of Enclosures. ** Book 22, line 335 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]]) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] gm0yq9wl0k2rwdeizebpgxfp4pgw0hk 3944739 3944738 2026-05-24T05:50:48Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey: A New Translation (2018) */ 3944739 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] [[File:Moneta di delfi, 350-330 ac ca., inv. 487.jpg|thumb|[[wikt:ἐϋπλόκαμος|ἐυπλόκαμος]] Δημήτηρ.{{pb}}Fine-tressed Dēmētēr.]] [[File:Stater Zeus Lampsacus CdM.jpg|thumb|Διὸς ... [[wikt:ἕρκος|ἑρκείου]].{{pb}}Zeus of Enclosures]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Fine-tressed Dēmētēr. ** Book 5, line 125 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * Zeus of Enclosures. ** Book 22, line 335 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]]) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 5cfzphzmoulpa0yysg2lkpo0qnxdsak 3944755 3944739 2026-05-24T07:19:11Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey: A New Translation (2018) */ 3944755 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] [[File:Helen Menelaus Louvre G424.jpg|thumb|ὅτ᾽ ἐμεῖο κυνώπιδος εἵνεκ᾽ Ἀχαιοὶ<br>ἤλθεθ᾽ ὑπὸ Τροίην πόλεμον θρασὺν ὁρμαίνοντες.{{pb}}When because of me, the bitch, you Achaians<br>went out against Troy, hearts set on ruthless warfare.]] [[File:Moneta di delfi, 350-330 ac ca., inv. 487.jpg|thumb|[[wikt:ἐϋπλόκαμος|ἐυπλόκαμος]] Δημήτηρ.{{pb}}Fine-tressed Dēmētēr.]] [[File:Stater Zeus Lampsacus CdM.jpg|thumb|Διὸς ... [[wikt:ἕρκος|ἑρκείου]].{{pb}}Zeus of Enclosures]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Not once did I ever see such a striking resemblance,<br>in either a man or a woman—it truly astounds me!<br>This boy could be the son of great-hearted Odysseus,<br>Tēlemachos, left as a newborn child in the house<br>by him, when because of me, the bitch, you Achaians<br>went out against Troy, hearts set on ruthless warfare. ** Book 4, line 141 (Helen) * Fine-tressed Dēmētēr. ** Book 5, line 125 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * Zeus of Enclosures. ** Book 22, line 335 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]]) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] gvji1v2u6w7vsiqopllntiq9zm2xtki 3944772 3944755 2026-05-24T07:53:39Z Ficaia 3085955 3944772 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Peter Green (historian)|Peter Morris Green]]''' ([[22 December]] [[1924]] – [[16 September]] [[2024]]) was a [[w:United Kingdom|British]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] noted for his works on the Greco-Persian Wars, [[Alexander the Great]] and the [[w:Hellenistic Age|Hellenistic Age]] of ancient history. == Quotes == * Macedonia as a whole tended to remain in isolation from the rest of Greece. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 20 * ... for the first time he [Philip] began to understand how Macedonia's outdated institutions of feudalism and aristocratic monarchy, so despised by the rest of Greece, might prove a source of strength when dealing with such opponents. ** ''Alexander the Great'' (1970), p. 24 * In less than four years he had transformed Macedonia from a backward and primitive kingdom to one of the most powerful states in the Greek world. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 32 * Aristotle found support for his thesis in facts drawn from geopolitics or ‘natural law’. Greek superiority had to be proved demonstrably innate, a gift of nature. In one celebrated fragment he counsels Alexander to be ‘a hegemon [leader] of Greeks and a despot to the barbarians, to look after the former as after friends and relatives, and to deal with the latter as with beasts or plants’. ** ''Alexander of Macedon, 356-323 B.C.: A Historical Biography'' (1991), p. 58 === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey: A New Translation'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oakland: U of California P, ISBN 978-0-520-29363-2'''</small> [[File:Greek Bireme 500BC (cropped).jpg|thumb|The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming.]] [[File:Helen Menelaus Louvre G424.jpg|thumb|ὅτ᾽ ἐμεῖο κυνώπιδος εἵνεκ᾽ Ἀχαιοὶ<br>ἤλθεθ᾽ ὑπὸ Τροίην πόλεμον θρασὺν ὁρμαίνοντες.{{pb}}When because of me, the bitch, you Achaians<br>went out against Troy, hearts set on ruthless warfare.]] [[File:Moneta di delfi, 350-330 ac ca., inv. 487.jpg|thumb|[[wikt:ἐϋπλόκαμος|ἐυπλόκαμος]] Δημήτηρ.{{pb}}Fine-tressed Dēmētēr.]] [[File:Stater Zeus Lampsacus CdM.jpg|thumb|Διὸς ... [[wikt:ἕρκος|ἑρκείου]].{{pb}}Zeus of Enclosures.]] * The man, Muse—tell me about that resourceful man, who wandered<br>far and wide, when he’d sacked Troy’s sacred citadel:<br>many men’s townships he saw, and learned their ways of thinking,<br>many the griefs he suffered at heart on the open sea,<br>battling for his own life and his comrades’ homecoming. Yet<br>no way could he save his comrades, much though he longed to—<br>it was through their own blind recklessness that they perished,<br>the fools, for they slaughtered the cattle of Hēlios the sun god<br>and ate them: for that he took from them their day of returning.<br>Tell us this tale, goddess, child of Zeus; start anywhere in it! ** Book 1, line 1 * Not once did I ever see such a striking resemblance,<br>in either a man or a woman—it truly astounds me!<br>This boy could be the son of great-hearted Odysseus,<br>Tēlemachos, left as a newborn child in the house<br>by him, when because of me, the bitch, you Achaians<br>went out against Troy, hearts set on ruthless warfare. ** Book 4, line 141 (Helen) * Fine-tressed Dēmētēr. ** Book 5, line 125 * Him she found on the seashore, sitting; nor were his eyes<br>ever wiped dry of tears; sweet life was draining from him<br>as he yearned to be home, since the nymph no longer pleased him. ** Book 5, line 151 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’ve been harshly battered by countless waves,<br>and aboard my ship I had no long-term care for my body,<br>which is why my limbs are now very badly out of trim. ** Book 8, line 231 * Then limb from limb he tore them to prepare his supper,<br>and devoured them like a mountain-bred lion, leaving nothing—<br>innards and flesh, bones with the marrow in them,<br>while we, lamenting, reached out our hands to Zeus<br>at the sight of such bestial deeds. ** Book 9, line 291 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; The booby never perceived<br>that under his rich-fleeced sheep there were men tied on! ** Book 9, line 442 * But as I went, and came close to my well-curved vessel,<br>then, too, some god, seeing me alone, felt pity,<br>and sent, right into my path, a huge high-antlered stag<br>on his way from his forest range to drink at the river,<br>since the sun’s strong heat had got to him. As he emerged,<br>I speared him, in mid-back, piercing his spine: the bronze<br>spear now transfixed him, he uttered a dying cry<br>and collapsed in the dust. The spirit fled from him. ** Book 10, line 156 * First, while she was washing clothes near the hollow ship,<br>one of them made love to her, a thing that fuddles the senses<br>of truly feminine women, even one that’s well-behaved. ** Book 15, line 420 * Now prudent Penelopē made a fresh decision: to show<br>herself to her suitors, so outrageous and arrogant;<br>for she’d learnt in her halls of the plan to murder her son<br>from Medōn the herald, who’d overheard their discussion. ** Book 16, line 409 * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; for not bloodless, I think,<br>will be the final reckoning between that man and the suitors,<br>once he’s made it home and is under his own roof. ** Book 18, line 148 * I had twenty geese round the house, they came up from the water<br>and I fed them on wheat: the sight of them warmed my heart.<br>But down from the mountain swooped a great eagle, with curved beak,<br>broke all their necks and killed them. They lay scattered<br>all over the hall, while the eagle soared up in the bright sky. ** Book 19, line 536 * Zeus of Enclosures. ** Book 22, line 335 * In their criminal folly they perpetrated a monstrous wrong,<br>squandering the possessions and insulting the bedfellow<br>of a most noble man, saying he would never return. ** Book 24, line 458 ([[w:Halitherses|Halithersēs]]) == External links == {{wikipedia|Peter Green (historian)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Green, Peter}} [[Category:1924 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Historians from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Translators from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Fellows of the Royal Society of Literature]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] oo737jywnku69egxylb2t760ew9bc0g 0 44820 3944504 3944304 2026-05-23T15:00:20Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944504 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin|Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]''''' (also known as '''''Winnie the Pooh's Most Grand Adventure''''' in United Kingdom some countries) is a [[w:1997 in film|1997]] American-Japanese direct-to-video film based on Walt Disney's ''[[A. A. Milne|Winnie-the-Pooh]]''. The film follows Pooh and his friends on a journey to find and rescue their friend Christopher Robin from the "Skull". :''Directed by Karl Geurs. Written by Carter Crocker and Karl Geurs.'' {{center|'''The All - New Movie'''}} == Rabbit == * That Owl! I knew "skull" had another Y in it... == Eeyore == * ''[After building his own house out of sticks]'' Not much of a house. Just right for not much of a donkey. * ''[Gets tangled up in sticks]'' Easy come, easy go. ''[Falls down]'' * ''[About Piglet having butterflies]'' Some piglets have it, some donkeys don't. * I said "Ouch." * ''[While going with the others to the cave]'' End of the road. Nothing to do. And no hope of things getting better. ''[Beat]'' Sounds like Saturday night at my house. * But we know what's gonna find us. ''[Runs into the cave]'' * Christopher Robin, yoo-hoo. * ''[Piglet lands on Eeyore's rear end the other way]'' Whoa! '''''YAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!''''' * ''[repeated line]'' Thanks for noticin'. * Well, we could get the kid outta there. If anybody has any ideas how to get up there, that is. * Didn't have to come clear out here to find it. Had it inside all along. == Dialogue == :''[Tigger bounces Rabbit.]'' :'''Tigger''': Well, of course it's mine. It's got my name scribbled all over it. T, I&ndash; ''[Eats some honey]'' Double Guh&ndash; ''[Realizes that he is eating honey]'' Honey?! Yuck! ''[Spits out the honey in disgust]'' Ptooey! Blech! Tiggers do not like honey. ---- :'''Tigger''': There's no difference between falling a thousand feet to the jagged rocks below and tumbling out of bed. :'''Piglet''': Oh. Really? :'''Tigger''': Sure. ''[Laughs then clears throat]'' Except for the splat at the end they're practically similar. ---- :'''Winnie the Pooh''': You're just in time for the best part of the day! :'''Christopher Robin''': What part is that? :'''Winnie the Pooh''': The part when you and me... become we. ---- :'''Eeyore''': ''[Muffling]'' :'''Tigger''': What’s donkey boy saying? :'''Eeyore''': ''[Lets go from the branch]'' I said 'ouch'. :''[Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Rabbit, and Eeyore fall screaming]'' ---- :''[Piglet, having woken up, comes out of the cave yawning. His face changes from happy to fearful when he realizes something. Piglet turns around and sees something above him.]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Horrified]'' '''OH, DEAR!''' :''[Pooh and Rabbit are sleeping when they are awoken by Piglet's babbling hysterically.]'' :'''Pooh''': ''[Hears Piglet's babbling hysterically]'' Piglet? :''[Piglet runs around babbling hysterically.]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[To Piglet, annoyed]'' Try to be specific! :''[Piglet continues babbling hysterically as Tigger and Eeyore, having also woken up, approach him, Pooh, and Rabbit.]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Lands on Pooh's arm and points at the cave]'' Skull. :''[Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore turn around and gasp in horror at the sight of Skull Cave.]'' :'''Tigger''': Christopher Robin's in the eye of that thing? How are we gonna get way up there? :'''Pooh''': By going&ndash; in there? :'''Tigger''': But it's dark. :'''Piglet''': And f-f-f-frightful. :'''Rabbit''': And we have no idea what we'll f-find. :''[The five hear the stomach rumbling sound.]'' :'''Eeyore''': But we know what's gonna find us. ''[Runs into the cave]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Runs into the cave after Eeyore]'' The skullasaurus! :''[Pooh, Tigger, and Rabbit run into the cave after Piglet and Eeyore, they walk through the dark cave with stalactites hanging from the roof. They soon came out a small tunnel and found lots of five paths all going in different directions]'' :'''Piglet''': N-N-Now which way to the eye of the skull? :''[They look back at Rabbit]'' :'''Rabbit''': Don't look at me. :'''Pooh''': Oh, bother. ''[hands a honey pot to Piglet]'' Think! Think! If each of us went where the other one hasn't... Think! And one were where another wasn't... Uh, by which I mean to say... perhaps we should split... up? :'''Rabbit''': Why, Pooh Bear, I believe that's a very smart idea. :'''Pooh''': I'm so glad you liked it. ''[Giggles]'' Whatever... it was. :''[So everyone went down the different paths to the eye of the skull. Pooh hold Piglet's hand for a minute then lets go to follow his path and Piglet fearfully went down his own path by himself. He walk through a dark tunnel. Rabbit came to a area where lots of stalagmites hung from the ceiling]'' :'''Rabbit''': Christopher Robin? :''[Piglet walks along a narrow ledge where a lot of steam hisses from below]'' :'''Piglet''': C-C-Christopher Robin. :''[Piglet then looks back as the steam hiss from below roars demonically to form a shape of a monster, but carries on, Eeyore walks onto a stone bridge where a face on the wall is shaped like a skeleton's face]'' :'''Eeyore''': Christopher Robin, yoo-hoo. :''[The bridge crumbles away beneath him, and Eeyore falls down] :'''Eeyore''': ''[yelling]'' :'''Rabbit''': What's that? :'''Piglet''': Oh, d-dear! :''[Piglet runs off in fright. Eeyore landed on some vines which launched him through the air, bounced off a branch which shaped like a claw and up into a tree stump which make him look like a Styracosaurus]'' :''[Back with Rabbit]'' :'''Rabbit''': Heh-heh. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just the wind. Yes, that's right. Yes. See, it's nothing. Nothing at all. :''[He step back into a hole and fall down it]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :'''Pooh''': Rabbit? :''[Rabbit bumped and bounced down the hole]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Tigger is searching his own path inside a chamber where more stalagmites including some small holes here]'' :'''Tigger''': Christopher Robin! Christopher Robin! Come out, come out, wherever you aren't. :''[He looks down a hole and swarm of bats flew out, frightening Tigger and he run off in fright like '''[[w:The Goonies|The Goonies]]''', '''[[w:Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls|Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls]]''' and '''[[w:Tom Sawyer (2000 film)|Tom Sawyer]]'''.]'' :'''Tigger''': ''[yelling]'' :'''Pooh''': Tigger? :''[Rabbit continues falling down the hole]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Piglet is still running when he comes across some stones and they made him skid on their path]'' :'''Piglet''': Whoo! ''[yelping]'' :'''Pooh''': Piglet? :''[Piglet went over the edge. He tried to climb back up, but loses his grip then falls on top of Eeyore's stump. It broke off, and they fall to the ground. Piglet landed on Eeyore's buttocks which startled him in fright with a school bell ringing offscreen.]'' :'''Eeyore''': Whoa! ''[Eeyore runs off bellowing with Piglet sitting on his buttocks in the opposite direction. Piglet opens his eyes and saw Eeyore's stump shadow on the wall. Frightened by it, the little pig crouched down and covered his eyes again.]'' :'''Pooh''': Eeyore! :''[Pooh walk behind enormous crystals which make his reflection distorted and a little bigger. Rabbit falls out of the end of the hole and landed on the ground below with the map bouncing off him]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Eeyore keeps running along with Piglet on his buttocks until he saw a small-sized cave.]'' :'''Eeyore''': Whoa! ''[He tries to stop, but he couldn't. He hits into the cave, breaking the stump off his head in the progress.]'' :'''Tigger''': Help! ''[Rabbit sees Tigger come running towards him, blubbering]'' :'''Rabbit''': Huh? :'''Eeyore''': Ah! ''[yelling while sliding from the left with Piglet]'' :'''Rabbit''': What? :''[Rabbit sees Tigger come running towards him, and the four friends crashed into each other, all piling up in a heap]'' :'''Piglet''': Tigger! Rabbit! Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Thanks for noticin'. :''[Then a monsters roar echoes and Rabbit grew frightened when he looks up at something in fright]'' :'''Rabbit''': There it is! There it is! :''[They look up to see Pooh's reflection in the giant crystals, making it look huge and monstrous]'' :'''Tigger''': It's the terribibolous skullasaurus I've ever seen! Not to mention the only one. :''[The reflection monsters grins menacingly at them, and Everyone runs off and quickly flee into another cave in fright. Pooh step out from behind the crystals]'' :'''Pooh''': Did someone say "skullasaurus"? ''[screaming]'' :''[He back up to a slope and slide down it. Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore while fleeing from the reflection, try to stop running but slip and slide towards a ledge they soon came to a stop though Rabbit went over but hang onto the ledge. Pooh continues sliding down the slide and flung through the air at the end of it]'' ---- :'''Tigger''': I'm gonna miss that bear. ''[sniffles]'' :'''Piglet''': Oh, Pooh.... :''[a huge monster growl is heard]'' :'''Rabbit''': Now it sounds like the beastly creature is... Look there! The eye of the skull! :'''Piglet''': Whatever will we do? :'''Eeyore''': Well, we could get the kid outta there. If anybody has any ideas how to get up there, that is. :'''Tigger''': The map. What's it say? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, my. It's useless. There's nothing in here about how to get up there. Why, I'd have to figure it out all by myself. From scratch, I- I... Can I do that? :'''Tigger''': Yeah, can he do that? :'''Rabbit''': I could try, for Pooh. :'''Pooh''': Thank you, Wabbit. ---- :'''Christopher Robin''': Where ''is'' Pooh? :'''Piglet''': Oh, Christopher Robin. The skullasaurus gobbled him up. :'''Christopher Robin''': The what? :''[a monster roar is heard, everyone runs in panic]'' :'''Christopher Robin''': ''[laughs]'' That's no skullasaurus. There's only one thing that makes a sound like that. The rumbly tumbly of a hungry-for-honey Pooh-Bear. ---- :'''Christopher Robin''': ''[sings]'' One thing you should know, no matter where I go. We'll always be together. :'''Christopher Robin and Pooh''': Forever and ever. ---- :'''Pooh''': Very, very hard. ''[sings]'' Come out, moon. Come out, wishing star. Come out, come out. Wherever you are. I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake. Come and find me. I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart about to break. Come and find me. I need you to come here and find me. Cause without you, I’m totally lost. == Voice Talents == * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Winnie the Pooh]] and the Skullasaurus * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] as [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptations|Piglet]] * [[w:Steve Schatzberg|Steve Schatzberg]] as [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptions|Piglet]] (Singing Voice) * [[w:Paul Winchell|Paul Winchell]] as [[w:Tigger#Disney adaptations|Tigger]] * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:Tigger#Disney adaptations|Tigger]] (Singing Voice) * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] as [[w:Rabbit (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptations|Rabbit]] * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] as [[w:List of Winnie-the-Pooh characters#Owl|Owl]] * [[Peter Cullen]] as [[w:Eeyore#Disney adaptations|Eeyore]] * [[w:Brady Bluhm|Brady Bluhm]] as [[w:Christopher Robin#Disney adaptations|Christopher Robin]] * [[David Warner (actor)|David Warner]] as the Narrator * Dylan Watson as [[w:Eeyore#Disney adaptations|Eeyore]] (Singing Voice) == External links == {{Authority control}} {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0119918| title=Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin}} [[Category:1997 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] dn2qw50nn9sgoxn89u79pfwg1ee1l15 3944629 3944504 2026-05-23T22:08:53Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944629 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin|Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]''''' (also known as '''''Winnie the Pooh's Most Grand Adventure''''' in United Kingdom some countries) is a [[w:1997 in film|1997]] American-Japanese direct-to-video film based on Walt Disney's ''[[A. A. Milne|Winnie-the-Pooh]]''. The film follows Pooh and his friends on a journey to find and rescue their friend Christopher Robin from the "Skull". :''Directed by Karl Geurs. Written by Carter Crocker and Karl Geurs.'' {{center|'''The All - New Movie'''}} == Rabbit == * That Owl! I knew "skull" had another Y in it... == Eeyore == * ''[After building his own house out of sticks]'' Not much of a house. Just right for not much of a donkey. * ''[Gets tangled up in sticks]'' Easy come, easy go. ''[Falls down]'' * ''[About Piglet having butterflies]'' Some piglets have it, some donkeys don't. * I said "Ouch." * ''[While going with the others to the cave]'' End of the road. Nothing to do. And no hope of things getting better. ''[Beat]'' Sounds like Saturday night at my house. * But we know what's gonna find us. ''[Runs into the cave]'' * Christopher Robin, yoo-hoo. * ''[Piglet lands on Eeyore's rear end the other way]'' Whoa! '''''YAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!''''' * ''[repeated line]'' Thanks for noticin'. * Well, we could get the kid outta there. If anybody has any ideas how to get up there, that is. * Didn't have to come clear out here to find it. Had it inside all along. == Dialogue == :''[Tigger bounces Rabbit.]'' :'''Tigger''': Well, of course it's mine. It's got my name scribbled all over it. T, I&ndash; ''[Eats some honey]'' Double Guh&ndash; ''[Realizes that he is eating honey]'' Honey?! Yuck! ''[Spits out the honey in disgust]'' Ptooey! Blech! Tiggers do not like honey. ---- :'''Tigger''': There's no difference between falling a thousand feet to the jagged rocks below and tumbling out of bed. :'''Piglet''': Oh. Really? :'''Tigger''': Sure. ''[Laughs then clears throat]'' Except for the splat at the end they're practically similar. ---- :'''Winnie the Pooh''': You're just in time for the best part of the day! :'''Christopher Robin''': What part is that? :'''Winnie the Pooh''': The part when you and me... become we. ---- :'''Eeyore''': ''[Muffling]'' :'''Tigger''': What’s donkey boy saying? :'''Eeyore''': ''[Lets go from the branch]'' I said 'ouch'. :''[Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Rabbit, and Eeyore fall screaming]'' ---- :''[Piglet, having woken up, comes out of the cave yawning. His face changes from happy to fearful when he realizes something. Piglet turns around and sees something above him.]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Horrified]'' '''OH, DEAR!''' :''[Pooh and Rabbit are sleeping when they are awoken by Piglet's babbling hysterically.]'' :'''Pooh''': ''[Hears Piglet's babbling hysterically]'' Piglet? :''[Piglet runs around babbling hysterically.]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[To Piglet, annoyed]'' Try to be specific! :''[Piglet continues babbling hysterically as Tigger and Eeyore, having also woken up, approach him, Pooh, and Rabbit.]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Lands on Pooh's arm and points at the cave]'' Skull. :''[Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore turn around and gasp in horror at the sight of Skull Cave.]'' :'''Tigger''': Christopher Robin's in the eye of that thing? How are we gonna get way up there? :'''Pooh''': By going&ndash; in there? :'''Tigger''': But it's dark. :'''Piglet''': And f-f-f-frightful. :'''Rabbit''': And we have no idea what we'll f-find. :''[The five hear the stomach rumbling sound.]'' :'''Eeyore''': But we know what's gonna find us. ''[Runs into the cave]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Runs into the cave after Eeyore]'' The skullasaurus! :''[Pooh, Tigger, and Rabbit run into the cave after Piglet and Eeyore, they walk through the dark cave with stalactites hanging from the roof. They soon came out a small tunnel and found lots of five paths all going in different directions]'' :'''Piglet''': N-N-Now which way to the eye of the skull? :''[They look back at Rabbit]'' :'''Rabbit''': Don't look at me. :'''Pooh''': Oh, bother. ''[hands a honey pot to Piglet]'' Think! Think! If each of us went where the other one hasn't... Think! And one were where another wasn't... Uh, by which I mean to say... perhaps we should split... up? :'''Rabbit''': Why, Pooh Bear, I believe that's a very smart idea. :'''Pooh''': I'm so glad you liked it. ''[Giggles]'' Whatever... it was. :''[So everyone went down the different paths to the eye of the skull. Pooh hold Piglet's hand for a minute then lets go to follow his path and Piglet fearfully went down his own path by himself. He walk through a dark tunnel. Rabbit came to a area where lots of stalagmites hung from the ceiling]'' :'''Rabbit''': Christopher Robin? :''[Piglet walks along a narrow ledge where a lot of steam hisses from below]'' :'''Piglet''': C-C-Christopher Robin. :''[Piglet then looks back as the steam hiss from below roars demonically to form a shape of a monster, but carries on, Eeyore walks onto a stone bridge where a face on the wall is shaped like a skeleton's face]'' :'''Eeyore''': Christopher Robin, yoo-hoo. :''[The bridge crumbles away beneath him, and Eeyore falls down] :'''Eeyore''': ''[yelling]'' :'''Rabbit''': What's that? :'''Piglet''': Oh, d-dear! :''[Piglet runs off in fright. Eeyore landed on some vines which launched him through the air, bounced off a branch which shaped like a claw and up into a tree stump which make him look like a Styracosaurus]'' :''[Back with Rabbit]'' :'''Rabbit''': Heh-heh. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just the wind. Yes, that's right. Yes. See, it's nothing. Nothing at all. :''[He step back into a hole and fall down it]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :'''Pooh''': Rabbit? :''[Rabbit bumped and bounced down the hole]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Tigger is searching his own path inside a chamber where more stalagmites including some small holes here]'' :'''Tigger''': Christopher Robin! Christopher Robin! Come out, come out, wherever you aren't. :''[He looks down a hole and swarm of bats flew out, frightening Tigger and he run off in fright like '''[[w:The Goonies|The Goonies]]''', '''[[w:Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls|Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls]]''' and '''[[w:Tom Sawyer (2000 film)|Tom Sawyer]]'''.]'' :'''Tigger''': ''[yelling]'' :'''Pooh''': Tigger? :''[Rabbit continues falling down the hole]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Piglet is still running when he comes across some stones and they made him skid on their path]'' :'''Piglet''': Whoo! ''[yelping]'' :'''Pooh''': Piglet? :''[Piglet went over the edge. He tried to climb back up, but loses his grip then falls on top of Eeyore's stump. It broke off, and they fall to the ground. Piglet landed on Eeyore's buttocks which startled him in fright with a school bell ringing offscreen.]'' :'''Eeyore''': Whoa! ''[Eeyore runs off bellowing with Piglet sitting on his buttocks in the opposite direction. Piglet opens his eyes and saw Eeyore's stump shadow on the wall. Frightened by it, the little pig crouched down and covered his eyes again.]'' :'''Pooh''': Eeyore! :''[Pooh walk behind enormous crystals which make his reflection distorted and a little bigger. Rabbit falls out of the end of the hole and landed on the ground below with the map bouncing off him]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Eeyore keeps running along with Piglet on his buttocks until he saw a small-sized cave.]'' :'''Eeyore''': Whoa! ''[He tries to stop, but he couldn't. He hits into the cave, breaking the stump off his head in the progress.]'' :'''Tigger''': Help! ''[Rabbit sees Tigger come running towards him, blubbering]'' :'''Rabbit''': Huh? :'''Eeyore''': Ah! ''[yelling while sliding from the left with Piglet]'' :'''Rabbit''': What? :''[Rabbit sees Tigger come running towards him, and the four friends crashed into each other, all piling up in a heap]'' :'''Piglet''': Tigger! Rabbit! Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Thanks for noticin'. :''[Then a monsters roar echoes and Rabbit grew frightened when he looks up at something in fright]'' :'''Rabbit''': There it is! There it is! :''[They look up to see Pooh's reflection in the giant crystals, making it look huge and monstrous like '''[[Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (film)|Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind]]'''.]'' :'''Tigger''': It's the terribibolous skullasaurus I've ever seen! Not to mention the only one. :''[The reflection monsters grins menacingly at them, and Everyone runs off and quickly flee into another cave in fright. Pooh step out from behind the crystals]'' :'''Pooh''': Did someone say "skullasaurus"? ''[screaming]'' :''[He back up to a slope and slide down it. Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore while fleeing from the reflection, try to stop running but slip and slide towards a ledge they soon came to a stop though Rabbit went over but hang onto the ledge. Pooh continues sliding down the slide and flung through the air at the end of it]'' ---- :'''Tigger''': I'm gonna miss that bear. ''[sniffles]'' :'''Piglet''': Oh, Pooh.... :''[a huge monster growl is heard]'' :'''Rabbit''': Now it sounds like the beastly creature is... Look there! The eye of the skull! :'''Piglet''': Whatever will we do? :'''Eeyore''': Well, we could get the kid outta there. If anybody has any ideas how to get up there, that is. :'''Tigger''': The map. What's it say? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, my. It's useless. There's nothing in here about how to get up there. Why, I'd have to figure it out all by myself. From scratch, I- I... Can I do that? :'''Tigger''': Yeah, can he do that? :'''Rabbit''': I could try, for Pooh. :'''Pooh''': Thank you, Wabbit. ---- :'''Christopher Robin''': Where ''is'' Pooh? :'''Piglet''': Oh, Christopher Robin. The skullasaurus gobbled him up. :'''Christopher Robin''': The what? :''[a monster roar is heard, everyone runs in panic]'' :'''Christopher Robin''': ''[laughs]'' That's no skullasaurus. There's only one thing that makes a sound like that. The rumbly tumbly of a hungry-for-honey Pooh-Bear. ---- :'''Christopher Robin''': ''[sings]'' One thing you should know, no matter where I go. We'll always be together. :'''Christopher Robin and Pooh''': Forever and ever. ---- :'''Pooh''': Very, very hard. ''[sings]'' Come out, moon. Come out, wishing star. Come out, come out. Wherever you are. I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake. Come and find me. I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart about to break. Come and find me. I need you to come here and find me. Cause without you, I’m totally lost. == Voice Talents == * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Winnie the Pooh]] and the Skullasaurus * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] as [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptations|Piglet]] * [[w:Steve Schatzberg|Steve Schatzberg]] as [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptions|Piglet]] (Singing Voice) * [[w:Paul Winchell|Paul Winchell]] as [[w:Tigger#Disney adaptations|Tigger]] * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:Tigger#Disney adaptations|Tigger]] (Singing Voice) * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] as [[w:Rabbit (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptations|Rabbit]] * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] as [[w:List of Winnie-the-Pooh characters#Owl|Owl]] * [[Peter Cullen]] as [[w:Eeyore#Disney adaptations|Eeyore]] * [[w:Brady Bluhm|Brady Bluhm]] as [[w:Christopher Robin#Disney adaptations|Christopher Robin]] * [[David Warner (actor)|David Warner]] as the Narrator * Dylan Watson as [[w:Eeyore#Disney adaptations|Eeyore]] (Singing Voice) == External links == {{Authority control}} {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0119918| title=Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin}} [[Category:1997 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] mskhwl6t2hu8i1qgrxovf0r7h62p0tz 3944632 3944629 2026-05-23T22:17:16Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944632 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin|Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]''''' (also known as '''''Winnie the Pooh's Most Grand Adventure''''' in United Kingdom some countries) is a [[w:1997 in film|1997]] American-Japanese direct-to-video film based on Walt Disney's ''[[A. A. Milne|Winnie-the-Pooh]]''. The film follows Pooh and his friends on a journey to find and rescue their friend Christopher Robin from the "Skull". :''Directed by Karl Geurs. Written by Carter Crocker and Karl Geurs.'' {{center|'''The All - New Movie'''}} == Rabbit == * That Owl! I knew "skull" had another Y in it... == Eeyore == * ''[After building his own house out of sticks]'' Not much of a house. Just right for not much of a donkey. * ''[Gets tangled up in sticks]'' Easy come, easy go. ''[Falls down]'' * ''[About Piglet having butterflies]'' Some piglets have it, some donkeys don't. * I said "Ouch." * ''[While going with the others to the cave]'' End of the road. Nothing to do. And no hope of things getting better. ''[Beat]'' Sounds like Saturday night at my house. * But we know what's gonna find us. ''[Runs into the cave]'' * Christopher Robin, yoo-hoo. * ''[Piglet lands on Eeyore's rear end the other way]'' Whoa! '''''YAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!''''' * ''[repeated line]'' Thanks for noticin'. * Well, we could get the kid outta there. If anybody has any ideas how to get up there, that is. * Didn't have to come clear out here to find it. Had it inside all along. == Dialogue == :''[Tigger bounces Rabbit.]'' :'''Tigger''': Well, of course it's mine. It's got my name scribbled all over it. T, I&ndash; ''[Eats some honey]'' Double Guh&ndash; ''[Realizes that he is eating honey]'' Honey?! Yuck! ''[Spits out the honey in disgust]'' Ptooey! Blech! Tiggers do not like honey. ---- :'''Tigger''': There's no difference between falling a thousand feet to the jagged rocks below and tumbling out of bed. :'''Piglet''': Oh. Really? :'''Tigger''': Sure. ''[Laughs then clears throat]'' Except for the splat at the end they're practically similar. ---- :'''Winnie the Pooh''': You're just in time for the best part of the day! :'''Christopher Robin''': What part is that? :'''Winnie the Pooh''': The part when you and me... become we. ---- :'''Eeyore''': ''[Muffling]'' :'''Tigger''': What’s donkey boy saying? :'''Eeyore''': ''[Lets go from the branch]'' I said 'ouch'. :''[Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Rabbit, and Eeyore fall screaming]'' ---- :''[Piglet, having woken up, comes out of the cave yawning. His face changes from happy to fearful when he realizes something. Piglet turns around and sees something above him.]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Horrified]'' '''OH, DEAR!''' :''[Pooh and Rabbit are sleeping when they are awoken by Piglet's babbling hysterically.]'' :'''Pooh''': ''[Hears Piglet's babbling hysterically]'' Piglet? :''[Piglet runs around babbling hysterically.]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[To Piglet, annoyed]'' Try to be specific! :''[Piglet continues babbling hysterically as Tigger and Eeyore, having also woken up, approach him, Pooh, and Rabbit.]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Lands on Pooh's arm and points at the cave]'' Skull. :''[Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore turn around and gasp in horror at the sight of Skull Cave.]'' :'''Tigger''': Christopher Robin's in the eye of that thing? How are we gonna get way up there? :'''Pooh''': By going&ndash; in there? :'''Tigger''': But it's dark. :'''Piglet''': And f-f-f-frightful. :'''Rabbit''': And we have no idea what we'll f-find. :''[The five hear the stomach rumbling sound.]'' :'''Eeyore''': But we know what's gonna find us. ''[Runs into the cave]'' :'''Piglet''': ''[Runs into the cave after Eeyore]'' The skullasaurus! :''[Pooh, Tigger, and Rabbit run into the cave after Piglet and Eeyore, they walk through the dark cave with stalactites hanging from the roof. They soon came out a small tunnel and found lots of five paths all going in different directions]'' :'''Piglet''': N-N-Now which way to the eye of the skull? :''[They look back at Rabbit]'' :'''Rabbit''': Don't look at me. :'''Pooh''': Oh, bother. ''[hands a honey pot to Piglet]'' Think! Think! If each of us went where the other one hasn't... Think! And one were where another wasn't... Uh, by which I mean to say... perhaps we should split... up? :'''Rabbit''': Why, Pooh Bear, I believe that's a very smart idea. :'''Pooh''': I'm so glad you liked it. ''[Giggles]'' Whatever... it was. :''[So everyone went down the different paths to the eye of the skull. Pooh hold Piglet's hand for a minute then lets go to follow his path and Piglet fearfully went down his own path by himself. He walk through a dark tunnel. Rabbit came to a area where lots of stalagmites hung from the ceiling]'' :'''Rabbit''': Christopher Robin? :''[Piglet walks along a narrow ledge where a lot of steam hisses from below]'' :'''Piglet''': C-C-Christopher Robin. :''[Piglet then looks back as the steam hiss from below roars demonically to form a shape of a monster, but carries on, Eeyore walks onto a stone bridge where a face on the wall is shaped like a skeleton's face]'' :'''Eeyore''': Christopher Robin, yoo-hoo. :''[The bridge crumbles away beneath him, and Eeyore falls down] :'''Eeyore''': ''[yelling]'' :'''Rabbit''': What's that? :'''Piglet''': Oh, d-dear! :''[Piglet runs off in fright. Eeyore landed on some vines which launched him through the air, bounced off a branch which shaped like a claw and up into a tree stump which make him look like a Styracosaurus]'' :''[Back with Rabbit]'' :'''Rabbit''': Heh-heh. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just the wind. Yes, that's right. Yes. See, it's nothing. Nothing at all. :''[He step back into a hole and fall down it]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :'''Pooh''': Rabbit? :''[Rabbit bumped and bounced down the hole]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Tigger is searching his own path inside a chamber where more stalagmites including some small holes here]'' :'''Tigger''': Christopher Robin! Christopher Robin! Come out, come out, wherever you aren't. :''[He looks down a hole and swarm of bats flew out, frightening Tigger and he run off in fright like '''[[w:The Goonies|The Goonies]]''', '''[[w:Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls|Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls]]''' and '''[[w:Tom Sawyer (2000 film)|Tom Sawyer]]'''.]'' :'''Tigger''': ''[yelling]'' :'''Pooh''': Tigger? :''[Rabbit continues falling down the hole]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Piglet is still running when he comes across some stones and they made him skid on their path]'' :'''Piglet''': Whoo! ''[yelping]'' :'''Pooh''': Piglet? :''[Piglet went over the edge. He tried to climb back up, but loses his grip then falls on top of Eeyore's stump. It broke off, and they fall to the ground. Piglet landed on Eeyore's buttocks which startled him in fright with a school bell ringing offscreen.]'' :'''Eeyore''': Whoa! ''[Eeyore runs off bellowing with Piglet sitting on his buttocks in the opposite direction. Piglet opens his eyes and saw Eeyore's stump shadow on the wall. Frightened by it, the little pig crouched down and covered his eyes again.]'' :'''Pooh''': Eeyore! :''[Pooh walk behind enormous crystals which make his reflection distorted and a little bigger. Rabbit falls out of the end of the hole and landed on the ground below with the map bouncing off him]'' :'''Rabbit''': ''[screaming]'' :''[Eeyore keeps running along with Piglet on his buttocks until he saw a small-sized cave.]'' :'''Eeyore''': Whoa! ''[He tries to stop, but he couldn't. He hits into the cave, breaking the stump off his head in the progress.]'' :'''Tigger''': Help! ''[Rabbit sees Tigger come running towards him, blubbering]'' :'''Rabbit''': Huh? :'''Eeyore''': Ah! ''[yelling while sliding from the left with Piglet]'' :'''Rabbit''': What? :''[Rabbit sees Tigger come running towards him, and the four friends crashed into each other, all piling up in a heap]'' :'''Piglet''': Tigger! Rabbit! Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Thanks for noticin'. :''[Then a monsters roar echoes and Rabbit grew frightened when he looks up at something in fright]'' :'''Rabbit''': There it is! There it is! :''[They look up to see Pooh's reflection in the giant crystals, making it look huge and monstrous like '''[[w:Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (film)|Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind]]'''.]'' :'''Tigger''': It's the terribibolous skullasaurus I've ever seen! Not to mention the only one. :''[The reflection monsters grins menacingly at them, and Everyone runs off and quickly flee into another cave in fright. Pooh step out from behind the crystals]'' :'''Pooh''': Did someone say "skullasaurus"? ''[screaming]'' :''[He back up to a slope and slide down it. Piglet, Tigger, Rabbit, and Eeyore while fleeing from the reflection, try to stop running but slip and slide towards a ledge they soon came to a stop though Rabbit went over but hang onto the ledge. Pooh continues sliding down the slide and flung through the air at the end of it]'' ---- :'''Tigger''': I'm gonna miss that bear. ''[sniffles]'' :'''Piglet''': Oh, Pooh.... :''[a huge monster growl is heard]'' :'''Rabbit''': Now it sounds like the beastly creature is... Look there! The eye of the skull! :'''Piglet''': Whatever will we do? :'''Eeyore''': Well, we could get the kid outta there. If anybody has any ideas how to get up there, that is. :'''Tigger''': The map. What's it say? :'''Rabbit''': Oh, my. It's useless. There's nothing in here about how to get up there. Why, I'd have to figure it out all by myself. From scratch, I- I... Can I do that? :'''Tigger''': Yeah, can he do that? :'''Rabbit''': I could try, for Pooh. :'''Pooh''': Thank you, Wabbit. ---- :'''Christopher Robin''': Where ''is'' Pooh? :'''Piglet''': Oh, Christopher Robin. The skullasaurus gobbled him up. :'''Christopher Robin''': The what? :''[a monster roar is heard, everyone runs in panic]'' :'''Christopher Robin''': ''[laughs]'' That's no skullasaurus. There's only one thing that makes a sound like that. The rumbly tumbly of a hungry-for-honey Pooh-Bear. ---- :'''Christopher Robin''': ''[sings]'' One thing you should know, no matter where I go. We'll always be together. :'''Christopher Robin and Pooh''': Forever and ever. ---- :'''Pooh''': Very, very hard. ''[sings]'' Come out, moon. Come out, wishing star. Come out, come out. Wherever you are. I'm out here in the dark, all alone and wide awake. Come and find me. I'm empty and I'm cold, and my heart about to break. Come and find me. I need you to come here and find me. Cause without you, I’m totally lost. == Voice Talents == * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:Winnie the Pooh (Disney character)|Winnie the Pooh]] and the Skullasaurus * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] as [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptations|Piglet]] * [[w:Steve Schatzberg|Steve Schatzberg]] as [[w:Piglet (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptions|Piglet]] (Singing Voice) * [[w:Paul Winchell|Paul Winchell]] as [[w:Tigger#Disney adaptations|Tigger]] * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] as [[w:Tigger#Disney adaptations|Tigger]] (Singing Voice) * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] as [[w:Rabbit (Winnie-the-Pooh)#Disney adaptations|Rabbit]] * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] as [[w:List of Winnie-the-Pooh characters#Owl|Owl]] * [[Peter Cullen]] as [[w:Eeyore#Disney adaptations|Eeyore]] * [[w:Brady Bluhm|Brady Bluhm]] as [[w:Christopher Robin#Disney adaptations|Christopher Robin]] * [[David Warner (actor)|David Warner]] as the Narrator * Dylan Watson as [[w:Eeyore#Disney adaptations|Eeyore]] (Singing Voice) == External links == {{Authority control}} {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=0119918| title=Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin}} [[Category:1997 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] rnysuimhdpee8d05a5g9apucg6ym7eq 0 45928 3944466 3680180 2026-05-23T13:42:42Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944466 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A 44 0270 (9728874022).jpg|thumb|200px|right|"I'd hate the sound of thirty thousand people booing."]] '''[[w:Benny Andersson|Göran Bror 'Benny' Andersson]]''' (born 16 December 1946) is a Swedish composer, songwriter, and keyboardist who is known for being one of the former members of [[ABBA]] and composing "[[w:Chess (musical)|Chess]]", "[[w:Kristina från Duvemåla|Kristina från Duvemåla]]", "[[w:Mamma Mia!|Mamma Mia!]]," == Quotes == * I don't get it... did we look like transvestites or something? ** Regarding: Drag queens often performing ABBA songs ** ABBA documentary, "[[w:Super Troupers: 30 Years of ABBA|Super Troupers: 30 Years of ABBA]]" * I'd hate the sound of thirty thousand people booing. ** After being asked if he ever gets stage fright ** Interview during the 1977 Australian tour, included in "[[w:ABBA: The Movie|ABBA: The Movie]]" == External links== {{wikipedia}} * http://www.abbasite.com - ABBA The Site * http://www.monomusic.se - Mono Music AB {{DEFAULTSORT:Andersson, Benny}} [[Category:Keyboardists]] [[Category:Pianists]] [[Category:Composers from Sweden]] [[Category:People from Stockholm]] [[Category:ABBA]] [[Category:1946 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] {{musician-stub}} fn10h1qa6nw6px7zjjajx96lkkdumzy 0 49039 3944483 2345546 2026-05-23T13:48:02Z Saroj 2925457 removed [[Category:Feminists]]; added [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944483 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Susie Bright at Come As You Are Co-operative.jpg|thumb|Our [[society]]'s [[notions]] of [[normality]] are completely fake and meta-trendy, since they rely on the [[changing]] standards of [[superstition]], [[religion]], [[Christianity]] and gender [[bias]] to [[define]] themselves.]] '''[[w:Susie Bright|Susannah "Susie" Bright]]''' (born [[March 25]], [[1958]], Arlington, Virginia), also known as '''Susie Sexpert''', is a writer, speaker, teacher, audio show host, performer, all on the subject of sexuality. She is one of the first writers/activists referred to as a sex-positive feminist. == Quotes == * Sometimes I wonder if [[Catharine MacKinnon|MacKinnon]] has simply been driven mad by all the sick things [[people]] do to one another. '''I, too, recoil in [[pain]] and incomprehension whenever I hear about the latest psychopath who has shot his mother, machine-gunned his coworkers, raped his daughter, or slashed a prostitute. I notice that such men are more likely to have read [[the Bible]] than [[pornography]], but I do not hold either script responsible for their [[actions]].''' **[http://susiebright.blogs.com/Old_Static_Site_Files/Prime_Of_Kitty_MacKinnon.pdf "The Prime of Miss Kitty MacKinnon"], ''East Bay Express'', October 1993. * Sexual speech, not [[Catharine MacKinnon|MacKinnon]]'s speech, is the most repressed and disdained kind of expression in our world, and MacKinnon is no rebel or radical to attack it. **[http://susiebright.blogs.com/Old_Static_Site_Files/Prime_Of_Kitty_MacKinnon.pdf "The Prime of Miss Kitty MacKinnon"], ''East Bay Express'', October 1993. **On Catharine MacKinnon. *''' "[[Natural]]" is a very dangerous word to use about sexuality ... Our society's notions of [[normality]] are completely fake and meta-trendy, since they rely on the changing standards of superstition, religion, Christianity and gender bias to define themselves.''' Americans, in particular, exhibit very childish reactions to sexual practices that are new to them, much like little kids who are offered a vegetable they haven't seen before: "That's disgusting!" "But darling, you haven't even tried it!" "I don't care, I hate it, I hate it! **Introduction, ''Nothing But the Girl'', 1996 {{ISBN|186047005X}}. * Take the [[w:National Organization for Women|National Organization for Women]] — please! They've embarrassed me enough over the years, and now I'm going to give them a taste of their own medicine. They were always so holier-than-thou, systematically getting rid of everyone who wasn't just like them: white, upper-middle class, straight (or closeted), sex-phobic Democratic party [[apologists]]. As you can imagine, that's not a huge group anymore — but they still manage to hang onto a name that insists that they represent half the population! <br /> Well, it's all over, sweethearts. I'm taking away your library card, I'm stripping badges and I'm not returning phone calls. Calling NOW feminists is like calling the [[w:People's Republic of China|People's Republic of China]] [[communist]]: [[Marx]] and [[Emma Goldman]] are both rolling in their graves. **"[http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1998/03/13/nc_13brig/index.html This shameless hussy ballbuster Clinton scandals]", ''Salon'', March 13, 1998. *[[Andrea Dworkin|Andrea]] presented herself as a street fighter intellectual, a bohemian freedom fighter, and someone who wanted to get to the bottom of things. That quote about [[Malcolm X]] is apt. Malcolm pointed out “The problem is WHITE PEOPLE.” Dworkin said, “The problem is MEN.” And for all the holes that can be poked in that cloth, there is something about that grain that is absolutely true, when you are the short end of the bolt. **"[http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2005/04/andrea_dworkin_.html Andrea Dworkin Has Died]", ''Susie Bright's Journal'' (blog), April 11, 2005. *I’m sorry [[Andrea Dworkin]] started a sexual revolution that she ended up repudiating. She never got to see people like me, Carol, and the rest of us little protégées who took her inspiration and flew to a new dimension. She got stuck, and then she got sick, and when you’re famous for one thing, no one wants to see you change unless you reject it all, like a pathetic sinner seeking redemption. She was too stubborn and too old-fashioned for that. Andrea Dworkin never would have admitted that she was a SuperStar. She was the animator of the ultimate porno horror loop, where the Final Girl never gets a chance to slay the monster, she only dies, dies, dies, with the cries of the angry mourners to remember her. **"[http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2005/04/andrea_dworkin_.html Andrea Dworkin Has Died]", ''Susie Bright's Journal'' (blog), April 11, 2005. *At that time, there was general agreement among everyone involved in women’s liberation that women should have a defined sexual self-interest. *Keeping people neurotic and depressed and ignorant and self-doubting is oppressive. *People who love science fiction really do love sex. * When AIDS was at its most brutal, frightening, my-God-what-are-we-going-to-do era, that was when vampire stories and stories about blood and trust swept the literary world. ** "[http://www.bostonphoenix.com/boston/news_features/qa/multi_1/documents/04461778.asp Bright Ideas]", interview by Tamara Wieder, ''Boston Phoenix'', February 11, 2005. *Familiarity with your lover is what initially makes sex really good. *Human beings like variety, and they also like partnership... these are scientific values we can point to. *I had no idea that mothering my own child would be so healing to my own sadness from my childhood. *I think women need to realize that they would be much better moms if they were well-rested, sexually satisfied, and had some interests going outside their childrearing. **[http://www.literarymama.com/profiles/archives/000269.html Interview by The Naughty Mommy], ''Literary Momma'', n.d. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.susiebright.com/ Official site and blog] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bright, Susie}} [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:Erotica authors]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] 2xpv2i0hijd88tiv2dyfe0xe371po01 3944484 3944483 2026-05-23T13:48:08Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944484 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Susie Bright at Come As You Are Co-operative.jpg|thumb|Our [[society]]'s [[notions]] of [[normality]] are completely fake and meta-trendy, since they rely on the [[changing]] standards of [[superstition]], [[religion]], [[Christianity]] and gender [[bias]] to [[define]] themselves.]] '''[[w:Susie Bright|Susannah "Susie" Bright]]''' (born [[March 25]], [[1958]], Arlington, Virginia), also known as '''Susie Sexpert''', is a writer, speaker, teacher, audio show host, performer, all on the subject of sexuality. She is one of the first writers/activists referred to as a sex-positive feminist. == Quotes == * Sometimes I wonder if [[Catharine MacKinnon|MacKinnon]] has simply been driven mad by all the sick things [[people]] do to one another. '''I, too, recoil in [[pain]] and incomprehension whenever I hear about the latest psychopath who has shot his mother, machine-gunned his coworkers, raped his daughter, or slashed a prostitute. I notice that such men are more likely to have read [[the Bible]] than [[pornography]], but I do not hold either script responsible for their [[actions]].''' **[http://susiebright.blogs.com/Old_Static_Site_Files/Prime_Of_Kitty_MacKinnon.pdf "The Prime of Miss Kitty MacKinnon"], ''East Bay Express'', October 1993. * Sexual speech, not [[Catharine MacKinnon|MacKinnon]]'s speech, is the most repressed and disdained kind of expression in our world, and MacKinnon is no rebel or radical to attack it. **[http://susiebright.blogs.com/Old_Static_Site_Files/Prime_Of_Kitty_MacKinnon.pdf "The Prime of Miss Kitty MacKinnon"], ''East Bay Express'', October 1993. **On Catharine MacKinnon. *''' "[[Natural]]" is a very dangerous word to use about sexuality ... Our society's notions of [[normality]] are completely fake and meta-trendy, since they rely on the changing standards of superstition, religion, Christianity and gender bias to define themselves.''' Americans, in particular, exhibit very childish reactions to sexual practices that are new to them, much like little kids who are offered a vegetable they haven't seen before: "That's disgusting!" "But darling, you haven't even tried it!" "I don't care, I hate it, I hate it! **Introduction, ''Nothing But the Girl'', 1996 {{ISBN|186047005X}}. * Take the [[w:National Organization for Women|National Organization for Women]] — please! They've embarrassed me enough over the years, and now I'm going to give them a taste of their own medicine. They were always so holier-than-thou, systematically getting rid of everyone who wasn't just like them: white, upper-middle class, straight (or closeted), sex-phobic Democratic party [[apologists]]. As you can imagine, that's not a huge group anymore — but they still manage to hang onto a name that insists that they represent half the population! <br /> Well, it's all over, sweethearts. I'm taking away your library card, I'm stripping badges and I'm not returning phone calls. Calling NOW feminists is like calling the [[w:People's Republic of China|People's Republic of China]] [[communist]]: [[Marx]] and [[Emma Goldman]] are both rolling in their graves. **"[http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1998/03/13/nc_13brig/index.html This shameless hussy ballbuster Clinton scandals]", ''Salon'', March 13, 1998. *[[Andrea Dworkin|Andrea]] presented herself as a street fighter intellectual, a bohemian freedom fighter, and someone who wanted to get to the bottom of things. That quote about [[Malcolm X]] is apt. Malcolm pointed out “The problem is WHITE PEOPLE.” Dworkin said, “The problem is MEN.” And for all the holes that can be poked in that cloth, there is something about that grain that is absolutely true, when you are the short end of the bolt. **"[http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2005/04/andrea_dworkin_.html Andrea Dworkin Has Died]", ''Susie Bright's Journal'' (blog), April 11, 2005. *I’m sorry [[Andrea Dworkin]] started a sexual revolution that she ended up repudiating. She never got to see people like me, Carol, and the rest of us little protégées who took her inspiration and flew to a new dimension. She got stuck, and then she got sick, and when you’re famous for one thing, no one wants to see you change unless you reject it all, like a pathetic sinner seeking redemption. She was too stubborn and too old-fashioned for that. Andrea Dworkin never would have admitted that she was a SuperStar. She was the animator of the ultimate porno horror loop, where the Final Girl never gets a chance to slay the monster, she only dies, dies, dies, with the cries of the angry mourners to remember her. **"[http://susiebright.blogs.com/susie_brights_journal_/2005/04/andrea_dworkin_.html Andrea Dworkin Has Died]", ''Susie Bright's Journal'' (blog), April 11, 2005. *At that time, there was general agreement among everyone involved in women’s liberation that women should have a defined sexual self-interest. *Keeping people neurotic and depressed and ignorant and self-doubting is oppressive. *People who love science fiction really do love sex. * When AIDS was at its most brutal, frightening, my-God-what-are-we-going-to-do era, that was when vampire stories and stories about blood and trust swept the literary world. ** "[http://www.bostonphoenix.com/boston/news_features/qa/multi_1/documents/04461778.asp Bright Ideas]", interview by Tamara Wieder, ''Boston Phoenix'', February 11, 2005. *Familiarity with your lover is what initially makes sex really good. *Human beings like variety, and they also like partnership... these are scientific values we can point to. *I had no idea that mothering my own child would be so healing to my own sadness from my childhood. *I think women need to realize that they would be much better moms if they were well-rested, sexually satisfied, and had some interests going outside their childrearing. **[http://www.literarymama.com/profiles/archives/000269.html Interview by The Naughty Mommy], ''Literary Momma'', n.d. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.susiebright.com/ Official site and blog] {{DEFAULTSORT:Bright, Susie}} [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:Erotica authors]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Virginia]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] p5kc4ngir5b1eclxaflmw89f9cf36v9 0 56094 3944542 3920111 2026-05-23T17:40:55Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944542 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Tugs (TV series)|Tugs]]''''' was a British children's television series and spin-off of ''[[Thomas & Friends]]'' that ran from 1988 to 1990 which focused on the lives and rivalries of two fleets of water vehicles known as the the Star Fleet and Z-Stacks of an American-British autonomous territory of the United States called Bigg City. It employed animation techniques similar to that of ''Thomas & Friends'' and was redubbed and heavily edited for segments of ''[[Salty's Lighthouse]]''. == Sunshine == :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The 1920's. Bigg City Port was the biggest harbour in the world. It was a time of change and great opportunity. Nobody knew it better than the hardworking tugs, whose strength and big hearts made them popular with everybody from Tramp Steamers to Ocean Liners. Important jobs in the port often kept them working night and day. ''My'' tugs, the Star Fleet were no exception. I had three Harbour tugs: O.J., a paddle-steamer. Warrior and Big Mac. A Railway tug; Top Hat. One little Switcher; Ten Cents. And Hercules; my Oceangoing tug. They were a good crew, striving to be the best in the port. Not always succeeding, but proud of their work. I remember the day we got our first big break. It started like most, at dawn. <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Zero''': Now listen to me and listen good. The Star Fleet are about to get the Ocean Liner Contract. [The Z-Stacks grumble in disappointment] And I'm NOT HAPPY! :'''Zorran''': We're not smiling, Captain Zero. :'''Captain Zero''': I'm glad you don't find it 'funny', Zorran. Now ''I'' want that contract, and ''YOU'RE'' going to get it for me! [Like Sycophants, almost all the Z-Stacks say: 'Yes sir!'] :'''Zip''': But, How? I thought that... :'''Captain Zero''': I don't expect you to 'THINK', You're a ''Team'', the ''Best'', the ''Better Looking'', more ''Powerful'', and dare I say, More ''Devious''... :'''Zak''': I like that bit about Better Looking. :'''Zip''': Yes, but what's Devious? :'''Captain Zero''': What's ''DEVIOUS'' is what's ''NECESSARY'' to make an ''Honest Living'', in these days of ''CORRUPTION'', and 'Bad Business Ethics'! :'''Zip''': Oh. :'''Captain Zero''': Now, Fire up your boilers and get that Duchess Contract, there's NO TIME TO LOSE! :'''Zorran''': No problem, that bunch of Clapped out Sardine cans are gonna' find they've missed the boat, or My name's not Zorran...(laughing Deviously) :'''Zip''': But it ''is'' Zorran! Isn't it? <hr width="50%"> [As Ten Cents was pulling out, another Switcher (who turns out to be Sunshine) is heading towards him] :'''Ten Cents''': Oi! WHOA THERE! :'''Sunshine''': [(trying to stop suddenly) accidentally collided into Ten Cents' hull, sending him rocking about.] ''[Coughing upon collision]'' Er, Sorry. Sir! :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah, Well watch it in future. :'''Sunshine''': ''[Clears throat]'' I was- er, I was looking for Ten Cents, sir? :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah? Well, you just found him! :'''Sunshine''': AAH! I'm... Sunshine, Sir. :'''Ten Cents''': It's Good to meet ya! Come on, let's get to work. The Star Fleet's docking an ocean liner this afternoon, and if we get a move on, we'll be finished in time to watch. :'''Sunshine''': Yes, sir! :'''Ten Cents''': Now- Now look, Sunshine, you only call Captain Star 'sir'. I'm just Ten Cents, okay? :'''Sunshine''': Yes, s- er, Sure thing, Ten Cents. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': Well, look what the tide's brought in! Izzy Gomez! Ha! :'''Izzy Gomez''': Hey, you guys, I need a tow. :'''Zak''': We don't accept bananas as payment. (chuckles) :'''Izzy Gomez''': Hey, big shots, you towing the Duchess or something? :'''Zorran''': What would you know about it, you South American heap of junk? :'''Izzy Gomez''': What I know? I sit around, waiting for nobody to tow me. (Zorran starts, but is interrupted) The Duchess, she come in this morning, suddenly, everybody busy. :'''Zak''': But Duchess isn't due till this afternoon-- :'''Zorran''': SHUT UP, DINGHY BRAIN! C'MON! (Zak mumbles under his breath after he and Zorran leave Izzy.) :'''Captain Star''': [TV version only] There had been a change, but the Stars didn't know this. Here was a chance for Captain Zero to put one over on us. :'''Izzy Gomez''': Que dia! What a day! I gotta get a tow and unload these bananas! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sally Seaplane''': Hello, Ten Cents. Who's your new friend? :'''Ten Cents''': Sunshine, meet Sally, She's a seaplane. :'''Sunshine''': Hello, (Whistling) Sally! :'''Sally Seaplane''': Thanks for the fuel, fellas. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': Now listen. Hercules is up the coast, out of the way. Big Mac is the strongest Star left. If we knuckle him, we'll grab the liner contract. :'''Zip''': Yeah, I know, but he's bigger than me--- :'''Zorran''': HE'S TOWING BARGES, DUMMY! His route is close to the mud banks, okay?! :'''Zip''': Yeah, so? :'''Zorran''': SO... You stuff him onto one! OKAY? STUPID?! :'''Zug''': You've done it before to ''yourself'', Zip, so you should soon catch on! :'''Zip''': Yeah, I'll catch on, Zorran. :'''Zorran''': You'd better. Do it fast and get back fast. Now GET! :'''Zip''': Devious, man. Devious! <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Zip and Zug knew exactly where to find Big Mac. They were waiting for him. :'''Zug''': (innocently) Need a hand, Big Mac old buddy? :'''Big Mac''': Well, guys, I... :'''Zip''': Well it was a... nice day, Big Mac. Thought we'd try to... you know, spread a little happiness! :'''Zug''': Yeah, uh... like helping our mates! :'''Zip''': Can't go past and see one struggle... :'''Big Mac''': Thanks, guys! Now I'll be back in good time for the Duchess! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Big Mac had no idea the Z-Stacks were laying a trap for him! <hr width="50%"> :'''Warrior''': I hope Big Mac gets here soon, Top Hat. This ain't gonna be an easy one! :'''Top Hat''': Yes, where is he? We'll ''never'' manage without Big Mac! :'''O.J.''': I'm worried about this! We need help to dock her... (sighs) C'mon, Big Mac! Where are you? <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The Star fleet were doing their best without Big Mac, and for a while, it looked as though they were going to make it. But Zorran was still waiting for another chance. :'''Zip''': Ah, looks like your plan didn't work, Zorran. :'''Zorran''': Hmm, if I could only get rid of that Switcher, Sunshine... :'''Zip''': Thinking Devious, eh, Zorran? :'''Zorran''': No, Just thinking ''Contract''. Look, they've slowed her right back! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': 'Ere, what's that?! Who's there? Oh... Izzy, it's you. :'''Izzy Gomez''': Yeah, and about time too. Warrior promised me a tow. :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, well I've gotta find Sunshine. :'''Izzy Gomez''': Why? What's the matter? :'''Ten Cents''': Er, he.. Disappeared. I s'pose he's ashamed after causing the accident with the Duchess. :'''Izzy Gomez''': Sunshine didn't cause no accident, I saw eet. Zorran pushed him. :'''Ten Cents''': What?! Are you sure? :'''Izzy Gomez''': As sure as I know I got a lot of bananas and I need a tow. :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah, I had a ''feeling'' those Z-Stacks were up to something! 'Ere, wait-a-minute, I must tell the others. :'''Izzy Gomez''': Hey, what about my tow? :'''Ten Cents''': [TV version only] Look, I'll see you get one. Thanks, Izzy. <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Zero''': So it turns out you ''were'' seen! :'''Zorran''': Impossible! I made sure! :'''Captain Zero''': Don't argue with me, You were SEEN! Now the Duchess ''knows'' what you did and we ''don't'' get the contract! What kind of idiots do I have working for me? :'''Zip''': Really devious- :'''Zorran''': Shut it, Zip! :'''Zak''': Uh, sorry about that, sir. :'''Zorran''': Er, Yeah, Sorry, Captain Zero. :'''Zip''': Sorry. :'''Captain Zero''': Sorry?! Sorry? I DON't WANT TO HEAR! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! ''ALL'' OF YOU!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': A few days ago, we salvaged the tugboat, Sunshine, and he was taken to Lucky's Yard, and I'm glad to tell you that little damage was done. As for the Star Fleet, we've learned a valuable lesson here. :'''O.J.''': Yes, indeed we have... :'''Captain Star''': A lesson about trust and friendship. I think we have Ten Cents to thank for that. And for the rest of us; about ''jumping to conclusions before knowing the truth''. Now, I know you're all proud of being Star tugs, but the most important thing in my fleet, after hard work, is that ''my'' tugs always be true, honest and forgiving. :'''All six Star Tugs''': Aye, aye!/Hear, hear!/Yes, sir! :'''Captain Star''': Now, If you'll look to port... I would like you to welcome our new recruit! :'''Warrior''': Oh, here he is! :'''Captain Star''': Sunshine, I am proud to have you on my fleet! ''[narrating (TV version only)]'' That was the moment I first knew, we had a Great team of Star Tugs. :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah, Welcome aboard. You look great, Sunshine! :'''Sunshine''': Thanks, kidda! Bonny new colours, eh? == Jinxed == :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' One night out at sea, Ten Cents and Sunshine spotted a tug they'd never seen before. His name was Boomer. He was just drifting. Realising he could be in trouble, they approached him cautiously. His engine was stopped, maybe even broken down. A towline drooped in the water and his rigging was scrappy. No flag flapped in the breeze. It seemed… ''no one'' owned him. :'''Boomer''': Keep away. Just leave me alone. Please! :'''Ten Cents''': Look, we can't. You're drifting in busy sea lanes. That's dangerous. :'''Boomer''': Even better. :'''Sunshine''': Yep, we'll have to take you in. :'''Boomer''': Just leave me be, I don't want any help. :'''Sunshine''': Why? Why not? :'''Boomer''': Because, well- Because I'm a jinx. I'm bad luck, nobody wants a jinx. :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, Rubbish! There's no such thing as a jinx. :'''Boomer''': Oh, isn't there? You'll soon find out! Stand off me! :'''Ten Cents''': Look, jinx or not, we have to take you in. Shipping lanes have to be kept clear! :'''Sunshine''': Aye, Captain Star'll do something. :'''Boomer''': No, he won't. ''Nobody'' can. Jinxes just happen. I just shouldn't have been a tug… :'''Sunshine''': Er… Have you ''always'' been like this? :'''Boomer''': My name used to be Captain Harry. It was good then in those days. Then I was sold. They painted out my name and called me "Boomer". Ever since then; nothing but trouble. <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': Who's he, Ten Cents? :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, it's Boomer. We found him drifting out in the Estuary. :'''Captain Star''': Oh, what's up? :'''Ten Cents''': Well, He says, er- He says his engine's not working. :'''Sunshine''': (to Boomer) You'll be all right now, son…. :'''Captain Star''': I see. Sunshine, go pick up the coal barge and we'll try starting him up. :'''Sunshine''': Yes…(whistles) sir. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Here, I think Boomer's taking on water. :'''Sunshine''': Hey, Boomer, what's so funny? :'''Boomer''': Ha-ha, I'm sinking! Just what I wanted! :'''Ten Cents''': What? Look, we're gonna make it to Lucky's, even if I sink ''with you''! :'''Boomer''': Cut free, cut free! I'm sinking, save yourselves! ''[stops before he's fully submerged]'' Huh? :'''Sunshine''': Oh well, that's lucky! He's come to rest on that old sunken garbage barge! :'''Ten Cents''': Look, you stay here. I'll go and get a rescue crane…. :'''Sunshine''': Hey, maybe the jinx has stopped now, eh? You're still afloat. :'''Boomer''': No, it hasn't. It's still here, alright. I wanted to sink, but instead, I land right on top of an obstacle that ''doesn't let'' me! All I want to do is Sink and become a Home for the Fishes. Then I won't jinx ''anyone''… <hr width="50%"> :'''Mighty Mo''': Be sure to get that barge under Boomer as soon as you can. He's heavy, and I don't want to hold him too long! <hr width="50%"> :'''O.J.''': Be careful now. You have to guide the cranes, so they can lower the tug onto that raft. :'''Ten Cents''': Right. Yeah, yeah, I see it O.J. Right it's up ahead, Sunshine. :'''Sunshine''': Aye aye. :'''Ten Cents''': Steady as she goes. (but then all of the sudden, the main lights at Lucky's goes off leaving the tugs confused) :'''Sunshine''': Huh? :'''Ten Cents''': What's going on? What's he doing? :'''Big Mac''': Get your ''own'' lights onto that rig, quick! That's it! :'''Sunshine''': Ah, good. :'''Ten Cents''': It's alright, I've got it again, Big Mac! Straight ahead! (but then, all of a sudden, Mighty Mo's spotlight and the switcher's lights go out) :'''Mighty Mo''': OI! :'''Ten Cents''': Oi, don't push! Hard astern! What you doing?! (the two star switchers crash into the raft construction) :'''Sunshine''': What? Ow! :'''Mighty Mo''': What is going on?! :'''Ten Cents''': Oh! Ah! Hold tight! Whoa! Ah! :'''Mighty Mo''': Oh, flipping heck! :'''Ten Cents''': Help! Sunshine! <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' That was enough for Captain Zero. He got rid of the unhappy Boomer. Well, I took him back intending to use him for simple jobs where ''Nothing'' could go wrong. :'''Zak''': See you, Boomer! If you need any help sinking, let me know… <hr width="50%"> :'''Sunshine''': I've just been thinking… :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah, thinking what? :'''Sunshine''': I've just been thinking that ''you'' might jinx Boomer. :'''Ten Cents''': No, I don't! :'''Sunshine''': You do. :'''Ten Cents''': How? :'''Sunshine''': Look, every time he's working and we've gone past; you've sounded your ''hooter''. :'''Ten Cents''': So? It's called being friendly. :'''Sunshine''': Not if it always causes an accident, and it always ''does''. Just think: The Ammunition barge, Mighty Mo, the Rope, the Engine… :'''Ten Cents''': Th- Wel- That's coincidence, not jinxed! :'''Sunshine''': Call it "anything you like", but it seems to ''coincidence'' Boomer when you do it. :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah? Well I'm gonna go and speak to Boomer about it. Look, You coming? <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': Right, switchers, you can show Boomer where the Schooner is. We have a contract to tow her out to sea. I reckon Boomer can do that, seeing there's no engines to break down, to catch fire, no crane hawsers to snap, no ammunition to explode or buoys to sink. Just plain sail. And if Boomer breaks down, then the sail can more likely pull him! :'''Boomer''': Very droll, sir, very droll. :'''Ten Cents''': Look, come on, before he changes his mind. :'''Boomer''': Okay, but DON'T toot! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Boomer, what's happened? :'''Boomer''': Lightning, ''that's'' what happened. But that fire object didn't believe me. He thought I was going too fast and a spark flew out of my stack, but it's not true. (scoffs) Anyway, I can't be bothered to argue anymore. :'''Ten Cents''': You must have done something…. :'''Boomer''': I did nothing! :'''O.J''': Lightning? Well, it's possible, I suppose. But on such a nice day as this? :'''Big Mac''': Anything's possible with Boomer, he really is jinxed. :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' After the schooner incident, I decided there was only one thing for it: I had Sunshine take Boomer to Lucky's Yard with strict instructions that he was never to be used as a tug, ever again, no matter what! <hr width="50%> :'''Boomer''': Top of the morning, Ten Cents! Morning, Sunshine! :'''Sunshine''': Is that really you, Boomer? :'''Boomer''': Indeed it is! :'''Ten Cents''': Well… A houseboat…. Don't you feel…sort of silly? :'''Boomer''': Not one bit! Not at all! It's what I always wanted to be! Now, hurry up you two, I want to get upriver to my new mooring. :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' When they found it, it was a tree-lined bank, and it was clearly marked; ''Dun Tugging''. <hr width="50%> :'''Boomer''': My, my, home sweet home at last! :'''Sunshine''': Oh, you'll like it, here. Lots of nice trees to keep you cool in the summer. :'''Boomer''': It's all I ever wanted, thank you both. I'm sorry if I got you into trouble. :'''Ten Cents''': Ah, that's alright. Well, let's hope the jinx left ya'. :'''Boomer''': It's what it did to ''others'' that worried me the most. :'''Sunshine''': Well, time to go. We'll come to visit you some time, huh? :'''Boomer''': Thanks. Thanks both of you. Thanks for everything. (Ten Cents whistles goodbye to Boomer) :'''Sunshine''': Oh, you shouldn't have done that! :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, I'm sorry…! (a tree start to fall) :'''Sunshine''': Oh no! :'''Ten Cents''': Oh no! :'''Sunshine''': THE JINX! (but the tree lands in the water, and Boomer starts laughing) :'''Boomer''': No, it's gone. It's over, that proves it. If I were still jinxed; the tree would have crashed down on ''me''. Or one of ''you two'', more likely! :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah. Yeah, you're right! :'''Sunshine''': Yeah, great. Er, See you soon! :'''Boomer''': Bye. Bye! Look after yourselves. :'''Sunshine''': Aye, ta-ta Boomer :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah, see ya' later, Boomer. :'''Sunshine''': Take care. :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' For Ten Cents and Sunshine, it was back to work as usual. But for Boomer? Well, he'd found his ideal place in the world. (chuckles) And he was very happy there, because the jinx… had gone! ==Pirate== :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' I remember a time, we'd all had a long hard day, but there was still one more job to do, and as Ten Cents was the first tug home, he got it. Engineering parts were needed to go to Scuttlebutt Pete the dredger, so they could start work first thing in the morning. I knew Ten Cents wasn't too happy, not because it was late; but because the Z-Stacks were on the same job. :'''Zug''': Hey up, Zip! Look what the wind's blown in! Goody Two-Screws! :'''Ten Cents''': Ahoy, Zug! 'ere where do you want this barge from the engineers? :'''Zug''': Too late for today, mate! :'''Ten Cents''': Too late? You don't need this till morning! :'''Zip''': We might have! :'''Zug''': No point now! It'll be dark soon! :'''Ten Cents''': Don't bug me, I've had a busy day. Now where'd you want it? :'''Zug''': Real Eager Beaver Zip! Isn't he? :'''Zip''': Well, got a reputation to live up-to, Zug. One of the best Tugs in the Harbour… :'''Zug''': Yawn yawn! All work and no play makes Ten Cents a Dull tug! :'''Ten Cents''': Look, D'ya want this or do I take it back?! :'''Zug''': Moor it by the Old Quay. If you're not too worn out?! (Both Z Switchers laugh loudly) <hr width="50%> :'''Sea Rogue''': Aha! This looks like what I'm after: Engineering parts. :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Unseen, unheard, the dark stranger hitched on Ten Cents' barge and slipped silently into the mist. Zip and Zug were in for a surprise the very next morning. <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': What's going on out there? :'''Zug''': Oh, er- Captain Star, sir- Uh- Ten Cents didn't deliver our barge last night! :'''Ten Cents''': I did! You ''know'' I did! :'''Zug''': You did not! It's not there! It's not- It's not there! :'''Captain Star''': Alright, that's enough! I've already had a complaint from the clients. On your way now. :'''Zip''': Er- Right, sir! :'''Zug''': Have a nice day, Ten Cents! :'''Captain Star''': I don't expect slip-ups like this from you, Ten Cents. The owners claim their barge is missing, never delivered. :'''Ten Cents''': That's not true, sir. It was my last tow of the day. It was! :'''Captain Star''': Ten Cents, I have to take the client's word. :'''Ten Cents''': Sir, please, at least let me- :'''Captain Star''': No. I'm putting you on dredger detail, with Scuttlebutt Pete. :'''Ten Cents''': Aw, no, sir! Not that! There's- :'''Captain Star''': ''Ten Cents? GO.'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, hi, Scuttlebutt…. :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': You look gloomy this morning, Ten Cents. What's up? :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, nothing. :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': I hear you've lost a barge. :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, you ''would'' be the first to know, wouldn't you? :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': It's no secret. Talk of the harbour. :'''Ten Cents''': Well, it's bound to be, once ''you'' know. :'''Grampus''': I've heard the rumour. :'''Ten Cents''': Grampus, what do you know about it? :'''Grampus''': Well, you've lost a barge. :'''Ten Cents''': Don't waste time, do you, Scuttlebutt? :'''Sunshine''': Aye, rumours are his ''speciality''. :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': Was only trying to help. The more who know about it, the sooner you'll be in the clear. :'''Ten Cents''': I ''am'' in the clear! Get that clear! :'''Zebedee''': Naughty, naughty! Temper, temper! :'''Zak''': Lose his stack if it wasn't screwed on! :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, one of these days! <hr width="50%"> :'''Top Hat''': I say, what's this all about? Star Fleet and Z Fleet together? Whatever next? :'''Zorran''': We're wasting time! :'''Captain Star''': Silence! :'''Zorran''': Ten Cents' barge's the only ones gone… :'''Zug''': Yeah, bet ''he'' knows what it’s about! :'''Zip''': Him stealing barges. That’s what! :'''Big Mac''': Cut that out about Ten Cents! :'''Warrior''': Yeah! Watch it, see? :'''Zug''' Well we didn't mean anything by… :'''Big Mac''': Just careful what you say! :'''Captain Star''': I said silence! Captain Zero and me have had a meeting. Missing barges is serious, we’re going to get to the bottom of it, understand? Captain Zero… :'''Captain Zero''': I know of a scheme to catch this Pirate… :'''Top Hat''': Ha! I expect he knows ''several''. :'''Big Mac''': Aye, ''Set'' a crook to ''catch'' a crook! :'''Zorran''': What are you ''suggesting''?!? :'''Captain Star''': Quiet! We've decided to Set a trap. :'''Captain Zero''': Certain Barges are being rigged with flares that will Trigger off if the barge is even ''touched''! Never mind ''Stolen''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Pirate Tug #1''': [Switching their green lights on] You've done very well, so far, patchy, but we figure you ''still'' owe us. :'''Sea Rogue''': You're going back on your word?! You said that was the ''last'' barge! :'''Grampus''': [Upon sneaking in] (Whispering) The thief! :'''Pirate Tug #2''': Changed our mind, see. It's ''one more'' barge. Get it tonight or it's goodbye to ''him'' [Referring to Sea Rogue's Uncle]. Davy Jones's locker on the seabed! :'''Grampus''': (Still Whispering) Who's he…? The missing barges! :'''Pirate Tug #2''': What's that?! :'''Grampus''': [Heard in VHS version, but clearer & louder in T.V. version] (Whispering even quieter) Looks like a problem. :'''Pirate Tug #2''': You hear anything? :'''Pirate Tug #1''': NO! :'''Pirate Tug #2''': Right… Do as we say, or else! :'''Sea Rogue''': It's getting too risky. :'''Pirate Tug #2''': One more, I said. ''Tonight''! :'''Sea Rogue's Uncle''': Don't do it! :'''Sea Rogue''': I've ''got to''! Haven't I? You ''promise'' tonight will be the last? :'''Pirate Tug #1''': Deliver, or he sinks! [Both pirates switch their green lights off] <hr width="50%"> :'''Top Hat''': Dash good idea, this. Barge in Place, Flare set to go off. Now I ''thought'' we were going to be in ''pairs''… [he hears another tug approaching, looks round, & sees ''who'' his partner is] Oh no, Not Warrior?! :'''Warrior''': This is our post, Top Hat- [he inadvertently Bumps into a Bell Buoy as he pulls up] Oops?!? Sorry little fella! :'''Top Hat''': Of ''all'' the tugs, ''I'' get the clumsiest! :'''Warrior''': It'll be great if you and I catch 'em. :'''Top Hat''': ''How thrilling. How absolutely thrilling''. Now pay attention, Warrior; This is a wartime situation. I’ll muster up my cunning, my sense of tactical advantage. Now, back up! :'''Warrior''': What’s that then? Tactical? :'''Top Hat''': Em. It means thinking strategically! :'''Warrior''': What's that then? Strategical… Er- Um. What you said. :'''Top Hat''': Ugh, ''Tactical'', you dummy! :'''Warrior''': Tactical… Strategical… :'''Top Hat''': Oh, give me strength. Positions, Warrior! AT THE DOUBLE! :'''Warrior''': This is a nice, tactical spot. Quite strategical- Quite good, eh? <hr width="50%"> :'''Zug''': Tied off ''my'' end. Right, Zip; I'll stay back here out of sight. You keep a lookout up front. :'''Zip''': Why do ''I'' have to be up front? It's scary, I feel vulnerable! You come here, I'll come there, eh? :'''Zug''': Oh no! You'll be much worse off here! Better there, believe me! :'''Zip''': Is it… ''really'' bad over there? :'''Zug''': Honestly, Zip? Would I lie to you, now would I? :'''Zip''': (moves forward) Psst. :'''Zug''': (starts shaking) Oh no! Please-Mr.-Pirate! I-don't-mean-no-harm! I.-UH.-I. UM. :'''Zip''': No-no-no, Zug, it's me! Zip! :'''Zug''': Stupid! Captain Zero said we're not to move. You nearly scared me! :'''Zip''': If that's only nearly, I'd hate to see you ''really'' scared. :'''Zug''': Get to your post! :'''Zip''': I only wanted to see if it ''is'' better back there. :'''Zug''': Well it ''isn't''. Stay there and shut up! <hr width="50%"> :'''Philbert the Bell Buoy''': Hello boys, how are ya- [A tarpaulin gets chucked on top of him] -uuoorgh!? <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Cor, it's too spooky for ''my'' liking. :'''Sunshine''': ::I wish I was back working up river… ::(Ten Cents shushes) ::Eh? :'''Ten Cents''': Be Quiet! Yeah, I think I hear something. :'''Sea Rogue''': I'm not gonna make it. Nothing in sight! The tug fleets have rumbled me… :'''Ten Cents''': Heave to, Sea Rogue! :'''Sea Rogue''': What the-HEY?! :'''Ten Cents''': You're cornered, you can't escape! :'''Sea Rogue''': I'm not trying to! :'''Sunshine''': Well done, Ten Cents! He's the Pirate, alright! :'''Sea Rogue''': No, I'm not a ''real'' Pirate! :'''Grampus''': We know you're not. :'''Sunshine''': Grampus told us everything. :'''Ten Cents''': He saw you and those two green-eyed things! :'''Sea Rogue''': Did you see the Old Man there, too? :'''Ten Cents''': Everything. :'''Sea Rogue''': We must save him. He's my Uncle! They're holding him to ransom, to make me steal barges. Even if I get one more, they might still sink him. : '''Ten Cents''': Well, Help us to help you. And we'll sink ''them.'' :'''Sea Rogue''': Yeah, anything you say. ''[He hears more tugs coming] ''Who's that?! :'''Ten Cents''': Quick, let's hide! :'''Sea Rogue''': This way! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Zip and Zug? They're stupid enough to go in the warehouse. :'''Sea Rogue''': They'll get no quarter if they do. :'''Sunshine''': Ahhh, serve 'em right! :'''Ten Cents''': That gives me an idea. Grampus, go to the warehouse entrance. If the villains leave the shed, save the Old Man. Now let's see what's going on…. <hr width="50%"> :'''Warrior:''' Hey, Top Hat, something's going on over there. I'll take a look. :'''Top Hat:''' ::Warrior. Warrior. Watch that… ::(but it's too late as Warrior bumps into the barge and the flare triggers off.) :: Flare! You bright spark, Warrior! :'''Warrior:''' Some flare! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Ah, that's what I call a good night's work! You're heading up-river, Sea Rogue? :'''Sea Rogue''': Yeah. Thanks, Ten Cents. :'''Ten Cents''': Ah, that's all right. The least I could do. :'''Sea Rogue''': Right then, we'd better move. Pirates are not welcome here. :'''Grampus''': Nonsense, you're no pirate! :'''Sea Rogue''': Thank you all for your help. :'''Sea Rogue's Uncle''': Yes, thanks for everything. :'''Sea Rogue''': Come on, old man, let's get you home. :'''Sea Rogue's Uncle''': Oh, that'll be nice… <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': (Noticeably sarcastically) Cor, Well, I dunno what we'd have done without your help. :'''Zug''': Well… somebody had to flush them out, so, uh… ''we'' did. :'''Zip''': We never ''really'' thought you stole the barges. :'''Ten Cents''': ''Oh no?'' Could've fooled me. :'''Sunshine''': Weren't you just a ''little bit'' scared? :'''Zug''': No… Nothing scares us, does it Zip? ''[he begins reversing, but Zip suddenly realises what's behind them]'' :'''Zip''': Forward, Zug! Forward! The BARGE!!! ''[Zug hits the rigged barge, causing the flares to go off. The two tugs are startled and run off screaming]'' [V.H.S. Ending] :'''Sunshine''': Heh, They move pretty fast when they're not scared, eh? :'''Ten Cents''': They certainly do! ""''[The Star Switchers both laugh]''"" [T.V. Broadcast Ending] :'''Ten Cents''': (Chuckles briefly) They move pretty fast when they're not scared, eh? :'''Sunshine''': They certainly do! ""''[The Star Switchers both laugh]''"" :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' It goes to show that you shouldn't be fooled by appearances. Just Because Sea Rogue wore a ''Black Patch'', Didn't mean he must be a pirate… == Regatta/4th of July == :'''Ten Cents''': Ah, well, that's it, Lillie. Now you can show us the way home. :'''Sunshine''': What would we do without you, eh? :'''Lillie Lightship''': Nice to be appreciated, boys. You'll be in the Regatta parade I suppose. I never see any of it from out here. :'''Ten Cents''': Pity, that…. We'll stick a light and foghorn on Sunshine and anchor ''him'' 'ere, so you can. :'''Sunshine''': Hey, do you mind? I'm in the parade ''too'', you know! <hr width="50%"> :''' Lillie Lightship''': (sad) Mayday! Grampus, mayday! :''' Grampus''': What the? Lillie, you're…you're…! :''' Lillie Lightship''': I'm sinking, Grampus, sinking! Please help me, please! :''' Grampus''': Nasty hole, Lillie! Right on your Water Line! <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': There's an emergency! Lillie Lightship is sinking! :'''Coast Guard's Messenger''': The Captain is correct! She ''is'' sinking! The Zeros can't help, so adjust yourselves to the problem, and get organised, okay?! :'''Captain Star''': That's it. You'll have to forget the festivities for a while. :'''Top Hat''': I say, this is an outrage! :'''Captain Star''': This is an ''emergency'' job! :'''Top Hat''': I see… <hr width="50%"> :'''Mighty Mo''': Now, listen carefully. I'm gonna lift Lillie a bit. Ten Cents, attach a line to Grampus, and on command, pull him out! <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': (quietly) Psst, oi. This might be your lucky day, Lillie. You might get to see the regatta! :'''Lillie Lightship''': Shh! Or everyone might think I did it deliberately. <hr width="50%"> :'''Warrior''': Morning, Jack! Nice day for garbage. :'''Jack the Grappler''': There's no garbage today. :'''Warrior''': What do you mean ''no garbage today''? There's ''heaps'' behind you! :'''Jack the Grappler''': No garbage today. :'''Warrior''': But I've ''gotta'' have garbage! You know; ''I've gotta have garbage.'' His Lordship ''needs'' garbage. We ''all'' need garbage! :'''Jack the Grappler''': It's the festival day or something, so there's no garbage! :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': Is that you, Warrior? :'''Warrior''': Er, yes, sir, It's me, sir. :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': Have You got Lord Stinker with you? :'''Warrior''': He's here, sir. Empty, and willing to work, sir. :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': There's no garbage today, right? :'''Warrior''': Well, er- I can see er- heaps. Er, Piles! Stacks! Er, mountains of garbage! :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': You see no garbage, Warrior! Jack'll tell you there is no garbage, eh, Jack? :'''Jack the Grappler''': There's no garbage. :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': Repeat after me, Warrior, there ain't no garbage! :'''Warrior''': There ain't no garbage… :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': Good! That is settled. Instead, today is Municipal Garbage Day, a festival of garbage! :'''Warrior''': ''Eh?'' :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': Municipal Garbage Day falls on the same day as the Bigg City Festival, so, to join in all the fun, we, the Garbage Corporation, are gonna' make our own barge float. No flowers or fancy bits, just prime, colourful garbage! :'''Warrior''': I don't believe this… :'''Jack the Grappler''': This is gonna take a very long time, so I'd cut your engine if I was you. Must get started now, ''heaps'' to do…. :'''Warrior''': Things get stranger and stranger round 'ere! S'pose it ''is'' festival day. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bluenose''': Ahoy there! Ahoy! You there! :'''Big Mac''': What do you want? We can't stop, I'm afraid, this load's urgent. :'''Bluenose''': I quite understand, old man, but we are looking for one of our submarines. He is called; Grampus. :'''Ten Cents''': I ain't seen him since we left Lucky's Yard. He saved Lillie Lightship from sinking, so he's probably taking a well-deserved break somewhere. :'''Bluenose''': Aha, that may be so, but he is one of ours, you know. He is not a civilian plaything! :'''Big Mac''': Okay, Bluenose, that's enough. We haven't seen him so make wake, okay? My work's important. :'''Bluenose''': Oh, ''your'' work's important! Pahaha! What you need, laddie, is a lesson in Naval discipline! ''(Grampus arrives)'' Aha, what has we here- What- [Grampus Squirts water in Bluenose's face] ooohh, What the-?! (Ten Cents and Big Mac laughs) :'''Grampus''': They're going to blow me up, today. :'''Ten Cents''': ''Huh?!'' :'''Bluenose''': That is correct! :'''Big Mac''': What?! But he's been a ''hero'' out there with Lillie and you lot are going to blow him up?! That's some kind of thanks. :'''Bluenose''': Ah, you civilian lot may not understand this, but us Naval types ''know'' when we are past it. Instead of rotting in some breaker's yard, we volunteer us for ''gunnery practice''! Targets, you know! :'''Ten Cents''': But that's not fair! He's still a useful submarine, he does lots of things for us! :'''Bluenose''': ::For you, maybe! For us, he's old and out of date! Now I can't stand around here jawing with you all day, ''my'' work's important. Big Mac will understand that, won't you, ''sir?'' ::''[Big Mac grunts]'' ::Come on, Grampus! Back to base! Target practice at 1400 hours! :'''Grampus''': Yes Sir. :'''Ten Cents''': Grampus! Grampus, don't go! Dive and hide! :'''Grampus''': It's no use… They'd catch up with me again somewhere. Thanks for all the fun we've had together. Bye, Ten Cents. Bye! :'''Ten Cents''': Bye… :'''Big Mac''': Listen, we can't let this happen. I'll handle the barges, you go off and find O.J., tell him about Grampus. He'll know what to do… We'll save our mate Grampus if it's the last thing we do! :'''Ten Cents''': Right, Big Mac! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bluenose''': Well Grampus, you've been a very good submarine. Haha, we're all sad to see you go. But as you know; the Navy's got no further use for such a small vessel. :'''Grampus''': Proud to have been of service, sir. Thank you. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to time to think. :'''Bluenose''': Hahaha, very well, and good luck, laddie. :'''Grampus''': (squirts one last salute of water as Bluenose leaves him) If the modern Navy's gonna' be like him, I'd be better off down with the fishes. :'''Navy Destroyer''': [TV version only] ''All guns ready for target practice! Stand by to fire at white flags!'' :'''Grampus''': What th-? Why are they parading out here? They're gonna' be in the line of fire! STAY CLEAR! :'''Navy Destroyer''': [TV version only] ''Ahoy, Tugs! Clear the area! Keep clear!'' :'''Top Hat''': It's the destroyer, warning us we're in the danger zone! :'''O.J.''': Ignore it! :'''Top Hat''': What, do you mean? And get a direct hit? No, thank you very much! THEY'RE GOING TO OPEN FIRE! :'''Navy Destroyer''': [TV version only] ''KEEP CLEAR!'' :'''Big Mac''': Keep going, Top Hat! The more of us here, the safer we are! :'''Grampus''': Get clear! They're about to start firing! :'''O.J.''': Grampus, just do as I say. Give him a line, Ten Cents! :'''Ten Cents''': Alright, O.J.! :'''O.J.''': Big Mac'll leave the barge in your place. Let's hope all they see from ''that'' distance, is the target flags. Right! Keep moving! :'''Grampus''': The Navy's not going to like this! Just leave me here, or you'll all get into trouble! Please… ''Don't do it!'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': Hello, hello, hello! What's all this then? What's going on? :'''Top Hat''': Clear off, Zorran. It's ''our'' business. :'''Zug''': No, it's not! Deal's a deal! Ten Cents said he'd let us in on it! :'''Ten Cents''': No, I never! :'''Zorran''': You lot are up to something! And anyway, you owe us for two barges of timber. Move aside, Top Hat, and let me see. :'''O.J''': Mind your own business, Zorran! :'''Zorran''': I am. This ''is'' my business, I'm looking for ''my'' timber! :'''Ten Cents''': Well, it isn't here! Just back off and leave us alone. All we've got 'ere is our float for the show. :'''Zorran''': ''[spots Grampus and laughs maliciously]'' Some float! Stealing government property, eh? Nice little number, boys, very nice. That's the ''3rd'' crime to report. Captain Zero'll tell the Navy- :'''Hercules''': Move it, Zorran! Old boy. :'''Zorran''': Er, only a game, you understand, Hercules…. :'''Hercules''': I know all about your games, Zorran. Beat it! And take your driftwood with you. :'''Zorran''': Oh, I'm going to. You'll hear about it from the Navy! Don't worry. :'''Top Hat''': Yes, I'm off as well…. I wasted far too much time already! :'''Hercules''': Alright, m'dears, I don't think I'll wait around for answers. I want to be in the show, today, too! You can tell me all later. Now, where's Warrior got to…? <hr width="50%"> :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': Warrior? Warrior? :'''Warrior''': Yes sir? :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': Let’s do a quick check. Barge completed with colourful oil drums and streamers? Yes. His lordship, spic and span? Yes. Jack, wearing colourful hat? Yes. Good! Well, that is it! :'''Warrior''': I just don’t believe this! What are they gonna' say when they see ''this'' junk heap? :'''Lord Stinker''': Well, I like the banner; "Municipal Garbage wishes you all a happy day!" :'''Municipal Garbage Foreman''': Ha Ha, Warrior! You can go now, the Regatta's about to start! Just join it, and be proud of the Municipal Garbage Corporation, alright? On your way now, and good luck! :'''Warrior''': Thank you sir! It’s been, er, um, a most enjoyable day! (he laughs as he and Lord Stinker leaves to join the parade) :'''Jack the Grappler''': Nice job that, ''very'' nice job. I can enjoy ''my'' day, now. Good luck, Warrior! <hr width="50%"> :'''Male announcer onboard Princess Alice''': Hello, everyone! This is the Princess Alice, welcoming you to the Annual Regatta! Thank you! Now, you know the drill! When the cannon fires, the parade will start! This year, Top Hat (from the Star fleet) will lead off! Enjoy yourselves! There goes Top Hat followed by shipmates O.J., Big Mac and Warrior, all towing splendid barges! They're followed by Zak from the Zero fleet, towing the corporation lightship! Here come Zip and Zug, the Zero switchers, towing a new upriver breakfast, wood and bananas! Ha ha, Following them comes a colourful group: Ten Cents and Sunshine towing Little Ditcher…AND Sally Seaplane! Hello, Sally! And Hercules, just by himself! Never mind, Hercules, maybe next year, OK? Coming from the famous Bridge Cafe, is Zorran, towing the loudest barge of the day! Nice music, guys! ''Very'' nice music! Well done, everyone! You all look splendid! The Princess Alice considers this to be the best year yet. This means…and hold it…Yes, that you've all won a prize! Okay, okay, thanks to you all. Now, enough parading; let's get this party going! <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' When night time came, O.J. gathered all the other Star tugs around him outside Lucky's Yard. None of them really knew what was going on. :'''O.J.''': Alright, Lillie, do your bit! :'''Lillie Lightship''': ''[switches light on]'' Hello, boys! They repaired me in record time so I could see the Regatta. ''[gasp]'' You all look splendid! :'''Ten Cents''': Aw, thank you! :'''Sunshine''': So do you! :'''Ten Cents''': Oi, it's Grampus! And he's got the Star flag! :'''Grampus''': They didn't blow me up today! The Navy sold me to Captain Star, so I'm one of ''you'' now! == High Winds == :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Johnny Cuba had dropped anchor, waiting 'til he wasn't seen. :'''Johnny Cuba''': Nobody in sight. That's what I like. Time to slip in closer to port and, er…. heh, heh, meet my ''Business Pals''… :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' But Johnny Cuba's idea of a ''business pal'' was, like himself, a Gangster. :'''Coast Guard''': Ahoy there! Hove to! Customs inspection! You are within port limits! I'm coming aboard! Hey! Watch out! What're you doing?! Careful! Car- Ow! ''[roughly pushed onto nearby rocks]'' Aargh! :'''Johnny Cuba''': Ha Ha, Sorry, mate! The wind must've blown me off course! ''[cackling]'' <hr width+"25%"> :'''Zebedee''': I don't like it 'ere. It's out of bounds to shipping… :'''Johnny Cuba''': Too bad. Now I need Coal, right away! And be quick about it or I'll break yer stack! :'''Zebedee''': You mean ''steal'' it?! :'''Johnny Cuba''': Did I say steal? Just get it when nobody's looking! :'''Zebedee''': Yes sir… Right away, sir… :'''Johnny Cuba''': And DON'T try anything fancy! Or you'll find yourself at the bottom of the harbour with ''cement'' in your hold! ''[cackles]'' :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Zebedee was now in a terrible situation. Johnny Cuba would sink him if he didn't help him. And because of something that happened years ago between those two, he knew Captain Zero would sink him if he ''did''. So, he couldn't go and tell the Captain, could he? While Zebedee was trying to work this out, he saw the two Star switchers out in the bay struggling with Scuttlebutt Pete. :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': Come on, you two! Get sorted out or you won't get me home before the storm breaks! :'''Sunshine''': I cannot hold ya, man! :'''Ten Cents''': We're doing our best! :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': Do better than that! You've got to! :'''Ten Cents''': I can't, the wind's too strong! :'''Sunshine''': What're we gonna do?! :'''Ten Cents''': If only I could fix one more line! Oi! Zebedee! Give us a hand! :'''Zebedee''': Sorry, can't stop! Important job to do. :'''Ten Cents''': Just hold him steady while I get another line aboard, that's all! :'''Zebedee''': Why should I? :'''Ten Cents''': Well, 'cos we're in trouble, ''that's'' why! :'''Sunshine''': And you ''owe us'' one for the barge! :'''Zebedee''': Alright, just this once, but don't tell Captain Zero! :'''Ten Cents''': That's it… Thanks, Zebedee. :'''Sunshine''': Aye, that's just what we needed. :'''Zebedee''': And not a word, Scuttlebutt! :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': Me?! I never gossip! Never! :'''Zebedee''': ''That'll'' be the day. If Captain Zero knows I helped Star tugs, I'm Rust! <hr width="50%"> :'''Top Hat''': That's odd. I thought ''I'' was the only one stuck with coal deliveries today. I wonder what's he up to? I think I'd better check with Captain Star… <hr width="50%"> :'''Warrior''': Hey, Big Mac! I've just heard from Sally Seaplane that Hercules has got the Princess Alice in tow. :'''Big Mac''': Mmm, sounds serious. :'''Warrior''': Yeah, been damaged at sea. :'''Big Mac''': Not another of your disasters, Warrior? :'''Warrior''': Not me, honest! :'''Big Mac''': ''[laughs]'' I was joking! Come on, we'll tell O.J., then go out and bring her in. :'''Warrior''': Yeah. Anything to help the Princess Alice! <hr width="50%"> :'''Coast Guard''': Never thought I'd be glad to see ''you'' Zebedee! :'''Zebedee''': What?! Oh dear, how'd a coast guard get in this mess? :'''Coast Guard''': Johnny Cuba pushed me into the rocks. My engine's dead, I need a tow. :'''Zebedee''': Johnny ''who''?!? :'''Coast Guard''': Don't play dumb with me, I hear Zero & Johnny are good buddies. :'''Zebedee''': Oh, well, not any-more. Our capt- :'''Coast Guard''': Aha?! So you ''do'' know him! <hr width+"25%"> :'''Captain Star''': Docking a liner can be a hazardous business for tugs, especially with cross currents and the danger of this high wind. Usually the liner can assist, but the Princess Alice couldn't do much due to the damage to her rudder. With all their expertise and experience, the Star Tug team were finding her very difficult to keep under their control… :'''Hercules''': What's happening back there? Come on, Stars! :'''Big Mac''': She's not responding, Hercules! The wind's too strong! :'''Ten Cents''': I can't hold on much longer! :'''Hercules''': Full power, everybody! :'''Warrior''': I'm pulling full-steam, can't do no more! :'''O.J.''': We need another tug! Just one more'd do it! :'''Fire Tug''': Sorry, I can't help! I'm needed in case of fire! :'''O.J.''': Come on, lads, hold it! :'''Sunshine''': Oh, look out, I'm in TROUBLE! :'''O.J.''': Come on, ''somebody!'' :'''Ten Cents''': We're losing it! We'll be crushed between ship and quayside! :'''Zebedee''': This is ''two'' you owe me, switchers! :'''Ten Cents''': Zebedee! Aw, thanks, just in time! You're a lifesaver! :'''O.J.''': Thank you, Zebedee! She's under control again! :'''Warrior''': Got her, O.J.! :'''Sunshine''': Aw hey, thanks, Zebedee. :'''Zebedee''': Zero'll have my boiler for this… <hr width="50%"> :'''Zebedee''': [Clears Throat] Hello, Mr Cuba sir. :'''Johnny Cuba''': Well well well it's Zebee back again. Keep doing as Johhny Cuba Tells ya, and you'll come to no harm, ya with me? :'''Zebedee''': Yes Mr Cuba, the winds stopping- :'''Johnny Cuba''': Right, there's a few other little things I want you to do for me before we go. Now listen, this is what I Wan- :'''Zebedee''': Oh! Oh! Uh, it's Hercules! :'''Hercules''': Hello, what's going on here? Oh, yes, Zebedee! And where are you taking our friend, the well-known Johnny Cuba, eh? :'''Zebedee''': Oh. Well- I- :'''Johnny Cuba''': What's it to ''you'', Star? :'''Hercules''': We know you, Johnny Cuba. Up to no good. We'll hand him over to the authorities, Zebedee, they may like to have a word with him. :'''Johnny Cuba''': No, ya don't! ''[fires up his engine]'' :'''Zebedee''': Wait a minute! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The gangster tried to back out, but collided with Zebedee. :'''Zebedee''': You're not going anywhere! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Just to make sure, Zebedee rammed into Johnny Cuba, trapping him against the quayside. :'''Hercules''': Well done, Zebedee, m'dear! Come on, let's take him in. :'''Johnny Cuba''': I'll break your stack for this one! THEY CAN'T HOLD JOHNNY CUBA! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The authorities ''did'' hold Johnny Cuba, and gave official thanks to Zebedee and Hercules. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Look who's here! The Z-Stacks' hero! :'''Sunshine''': Hiya, Zebedee! Congratulations. :'''Zebedee''': Yeah… Not bad, was it? :'''Ten Cents''': You were great. :'''Zebedee''': Captain Zero's over the moon now Johnny Cuba can't get at him. :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah. Thanks for helping us with Scuttlebutt Pete. :'''Zebedee''': Just forget about that, will you? Captain Zero wouldn't be pleased to hear about that…. :'''Ten Cents and Sunshine''': [''in a slightly sarcastic manner''] Oh dear… :'''Zebedee''': Yeah, nor Zorran neither. :'''Sunshine''': We won't tell, don't you worry, kidda. :'''Zebedee''': You'd better not, I've had enough troubles today…. Well, I'll see you fellas, eh? :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, Zebedee… If you ever think of leaving the Z-Stacks… :'''Zebedee''': What? You crazy? Today was today, okay?! :'''Ten Cents''': Oh. Yeah, well… Just a thought. :'''Zebedee''': Yeah? Well you think too much… :'''Captain Star''': After that day, things continued much as they were. But Zebedee showed that ''everyone'' must have a good streak in them somewhere. Even Z-Stacks! == Warrior == :'''Big Boulder foreman''': Here, Warrior! What a promotion! Great to see you off garbage detail! :'''Warrior''': Thanks! Big Mac and me'll make a great team. We'll shift this lot quicker than the Z-Stacks. :'''Big Boulder foreman''': Oh, I don't doubt it, Warrior. But no accidents, eh? Give Big Mac a break. :'''Warrior''': Me? I won't have no accidents, promise! ''[sets off with barge]'' :'''Big Boulder foreman''': Right, well, good luck then, Warrior! And remember, be careful! :'''Warrior''': ''[stops]'' What? ''[is hit by his own barge]'' Whoops! ''Course'' I'm careful! :'''Big Boulder foreman''': I hope that isn't a bad start to the day for ya! :'''Warrior''': I'll do me best, guv'nor! <hr width="50%"> :'''Warrior''': Hey, there's Izzy! What a bonus if I could tow him as well… Ahoy, Izzy Gomez, wake up! :'''Izzy Gomez''': Sí, er, what time is eet? Oh, Warrior, it's you. :'''Warrior''': Want a tow? Give you a good price. :'''Izzy Gomez''': ¡Ay, ay, ay! You wake me up to tell me funny jokes, eh? :'''Warrior''': It's no joke. I'll give you a special rate. Say; One Hundred? :'''Izzy Gomez''': Not even for ''Ten'', gringo. Now you wake me so early, I have all thees daylight and the sea, she' very calm. :'''Warrior''': Wha? You wouldn't go in on your own? :'''Izzy Gomez''': Maybe I do, maybe I don't… :'''Warrior''': You ''are'' crazy, Izzy. Risking going in on your own for ''measly hundred''. :'''Izzy Gomez''': (''Moans to himself'') Umph! :'''Warrior''': Anyway, it's against the law! :''[as he leaves, the tow line slips loose and this barge hits and scrapes Izzy]'' :'''Izzy Gomez''': ::¡Ay, ay, ay! ::''[the slipping line tightens again]'' ::I think she is less risk than ''you'' tow me, eh, Warrior? Hehehe! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sunshine''': Oh Dear, Hey er, Stop Dredging! Er, I say Warrior… :'''Warrior''': Oh, ha. Morning Fellas, ''And'' Pearl. it looks like it's gonna be a Great Day. :'''Sunshine''': Oi, LOOK OUT! [as Warrior stops suddenly, his barge bumps him, again.] Oh, hey, Whoops. What're Ya towin'? :'''Warrior''': Oh, you noticed. No more garbage for me, at least for now. Captain Star's put me on the rock contract for the new dock foundations. Just what was to be expected, really, being such a powerful tug and all. Well, gotta go now. Bye! :'''Pearl and Sunshine''': Congratulations, Warrior! ''[Warrior's barge bumps Little Ditcher spinning him around]'' :'''Little Ditcher''': Oh! Dear! :'''Sunshine''': Dear me… Hey, Little Ditcher, are- Are you all right, eh? :'''Little Ditcher''': Bit diz-zy! :'''Sunshine''': Hey, you gotta laugh though, eh? Look, Pearl! He's gonna become the first floating Merry-go-round! :'''Little Ditcher''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, aye, thanks a lot, Warrior(!) :'''Warrior''': Can't stop. BYE! <hr width="50%"> :''[Izzy is asleep until Big Mac past him on his way to the Quarry]'' :'''Big Mac''': Well, if it isn't my old amigo, Izzy. Want a tow? :'''Izzy Gomez''': Eh, you Stars never let anyone siesta in peace. I already tell Warrior, I ''no need'' no tow! :'''Big Mac''': Don't blow your stack! I only asked. You already promised a tow to another tug? :'''Izzy Gomez''': Uh uh… See listen, I… I don't need you tugs fussing around me all the time. Okay?! :'''Big Mac''': Sorry I asked… Go back to sleep, Izzy. :''(so Izzy goes back to sleep until the Z-Stacks pass by)'' :'''Izzy Gomez''': You want to tow me as well, huh, Z-Stacks? :'''Zorran''': Get lost, Izzy! :'''Izzy Gomez''': Eh, Gringo, been out in the sun to long… Eh, gringos, who needs them? I think I try to sail into port ''without'' a tow. <hr width="50%"> :'''Big Mac''': Keep going! I can carry more than that! :'''Quarry Master''': When you’re loaded up, say "when". :''[Zorran, Zebedee and Zak arrive at the Quarry.]'' :'''Zorran''': You’re taking on a lot there, Big Mac. Eh, heh! :'''Big Mac''': Nothing to do with you with how much I carry. :'''Zorran''': Eh heh. Just commenting, that’s all. Weren’t we, lads? :'''Zebedee''': All, right. Up to him if he ''thinks'' he can tow that much. :'''Big Mac''': ''Three'' Zero harbour tugs just to pull 'two' barges?! Warrior and I have got you licked! ''Two'' of us can pull that much! :'''Zorran''': Quality and quantity. We’ll see by the end of the day, we’ll see. (To Zebedee and Zak) Heh, er, watch this, fellas… (To Big Mac) Uh, I see Warrior’s up to no good again, this morning. He’s a menace to every ship in the harbour! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The trick was typically Zorran. Keep making insulting remarks about Warrior to get Big Mac angry, so as to forget his barge was still loading and settling dangerously low in the water. :'''Zorran''': Yeah, I mean; Why doesn’t Captain Star sell Warrior off? He’s ''worse'' than useless! :'''Big Mac''': What? Useless?! He’s one of the best workers in the port! Just you remember that, Zorran! :'''Grampus''': ''[surfaces next to Big Mac.]'' Hey, Big Mac, watch it! :'''Big Mac''': Oh, hello, Grampus. Why? What’s up? :'''Grampus''': Your barge is getting low in the water! :'''Big Mac''': Huh?! Oh no! My barge! Wait! Stop loading!!! You’ll have to take some rocks back! My barge is overloaded! :'''Zorran''': Overloaded? I thought you were as strong as all of us put together. :'''Big Mac''': Didn’t say I couldn’t handle it! :'''Zorran''': Eh ha ha! Off you go then. Let us "weaklings" watch in amazement. :'''Big Mac''': (Angrily) Well, uh. ''Right''. [Slowly sets off…] Stay clear, Grampus! :'''Zorran''': Yeah, Watch he don’t crush you, Grampus! :'''Zebedee''': Hey, ''we'' may laugh, but with loads like that, we’ll ''never'' beat them. :'''Zorran''': Don’t be so stupid. He can’t travel very fast with his barge so low in the water. Any wake will wash over it and sink it! Won’t it? :'''Zebedee''': Hey, er… That ''is'' devious! <hr width="50%"> :'''Izzy Gomez''': ¡Viva, viva, viva! You guys is always trying to tell me I need a tow! Move out of my way please! <hr width="50%"> :'''Big Mac''': ''[feeling guilty about what happened earlier]'' Shouldn’t have let Zorran trick me into taking such a heavy load, Grampus. :'''Grampus''': You’re doing alright. Just keep it nice and steady. :'''Big Mac''': Good thing the harbour's so flat, today. Any waves and this barge would be awash and sink for sure. :'''Grampus''': Yes, you're lucky… Oh no! :''[Warrior rushes towards them at a fast pace.]'' :'''Big Mac''': Warrior, SLOW DOWN! :'''Grampus''': Dive, DIVE! :'''Warrior''': Hey Big Mac. We'll beat those Z-Stacks. I'll have another load in no time! :'''Big Mac''': ::Warrior, watch out! Your wake'll sink my barge! ::''(it's too late as Big Mac's overloaded barge and all the rocks sink)'' ::Warrior! WARRIOR! :'''Warrior''': What's happened? :'''Big Mac''': I told you to slow down! Yer' wash sank my barge! :'''Warrior''': But I… Big Mac… Sorry! :'''Big Mac''': You'll have to get a crane. I'll back up to mark the spot where the barge sank. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Come on, Zip! Zug, help me out! :'''Zug''': I'll have to go ask Captain Zero. It's ''your'' salvage. :'''Ten Cents''': Never mind salvage! Tugs should help each other! :'''Coast Guard''': I'll get help! I'll get Big Mac! :'''Top Hat''': Ten Cents, you alright? Why aren't those two idiots helping you? :'''Ten Cents''': Zip and Zug? They're waiting for me to become a pile of junk! :'''Zip and Zug''': Oh no no! No! No! :'''Top Hat''': Yes, well I'll report them for this! :'''Zug''': What for? Ten Cents said it was ''his'' salvage. He did. Didn't he, Zip? :'''Zip''': Well, yes. Yes! :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah well ''you'' said that. not me! :'''Top Hat''': [Propping Gomez up using Lord stinker] I can't get under there, Ten Cents. I'm too tall! But Lord Stinker can help. :'''Izzy Gomez''': ::[Taking one whiff at the Garbage barge] Phwoar! What a stink, I'd rather sink! ::[Suddenly, a rope holding him weakens, and he slides a little way.] ::[Quickly changing his mind] Ay yi yi! <hr width="50%"> :'''Warrior''': I'm not gonna' mess ''this'' up! :'''Big Mac''': ''[arrives to help]'' Need a hand here, fellas? Ah, Warrior looks like he's got it under control. :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, couldn't have lasted this long without him! :'''Warrior''': Mighty Mo, Scuttlebutt, take the strain on these ropes. :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': Aye aye, Guv'nor. :'''Mighty Mo''': Got 'em, Warrior! :'''Warrior''': Push! [he, Big Mac & Ten Cents all strain] :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The hulk of Izzy Gomez (full of bananas) was at last forced back off the rocks by the three Star tugs. :'''Coast Guard and Grampus''': You've done it! :'''Big Mac''': I reckon this makes up for sinking my barge, Warrior. :'''Ten Cents''': I reckon it makes up for ''everything''. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': What's up here? Another of Warrior's disasters, eh? :'''Warrior''': Now look here you guys, it was..! :'''Coast Guard''': Ignore them Warrior, we all know it wasn't you're fault. It's you ''zeroes'' that are the disasters. :'''Zorran''': What?! :'''Coast Guard''': Zip and Zug have lost you ''your'' chance of the rock contract. Their behaviour has been despicable. :''(as he explains what Zip and Zug have done, the two switchers try to find their words, but they can't)'' :'''Top Hat''': I couldn't have put it better myself. :'''Coast Guard''': As for you, Izzy; I'll report this. Coming in without a tow means a hefty fine! :''(the stars all laugh at Izzy predicament)'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Old Rusty''': ''[After a sleeping Warrior bumps into him]'' Ow! :'''Warrior:''': ''[wakes up]'' You stupid, old, rust tub! Why don't you look where you're going? :'''Old Rusty''': ''[chuckling]'' What do you mean, where am I going? I've been anchored off here for 2 years! :'''Warrior''': Oh. Well--er--yes. Sorry. It's been a long day. Must've dozed off. :'''Old Rusty''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh, clumsy old tug, that Warrior! But it wouldn't half be boring without him! ''[starts chuckling again]'' :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Warrior might have bumped into things, but I couldn't have done without him. He was a valuable member of my star tug team. (''short chuckle'') A striker, you might call him! == High Tide == :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Bigg City Port, never ceased working: Operations carried out throughout the night were continued in the early mornings. Goods stacked high along the Docksides were brought into port; by Road, and by Rail. The Lorries and Wagons were then reloaded with cargo from incoming Tramp-steamers, Ferries and Liners, for delivery to Inland cities and towns. Everyone and every method of Transport played a part in moving goods into and out of the Port. The work of our ''Tugs'' was an important link in the chain; it was non-stop and round the clock. The lifeblood of the whole operation was Coal; ''without'' this dirty stuff, Industry would've ground to a halt! On this ''very'' busy day; Big Mac arrived at the Briefing, having worked all night. <hr width="50%"> :'''Top Hat''': You know, it never fails to amaze me. Every day, I see something new. Today it's the sight of a floating sack of coal, no less! ''[laughing]'' :'''Big Mac''': If you'd been shifting coal, ''you'd'' be dirty! :'''Top Hat''': (sniffing Big Mac for a second) Well, at least you don't ''smell'', that's something. (Laughs mockingly with the others) :'''Big Mac''': Look here, Top Hat-! :'''Warrior''': Course he don't smell, Top Hat. Coal don't have a smell! :'''Top Hat''': I ''know'' it doesn't, Warrior, but he could get a hose down before coming to join us. We Star Tugs have a reputation to keep up! Even ''you'', Warrior, after a day in the garbage yards, don't look too scruffy! :'''Big Mac''': All ''you'' worry about is keeping that piece of glass on your eye clean! :'''Top Hat''': Not only my monocle, ''all'' of me! :'''Big Mac''': 'Cause you always get out of nasty jobs, don't ye? :'''Captain Star''': Alright, alright, cut the backchat! Ah- At least ''one'' Star Tug's already been working. :'''Top Hat''': Ha! Well, we can see that! :'''Captain Star''': Yeah, that's enough, Top Hat! You go and stretch your neck with car ferry duties, then take the garbage barge to the city dump. :'''Warrior''': That'll be nice for ya! :'''Top Hat''': Garbage? ''Me?'' Do I have to put up with this? :'''Big Mac''': I have to put up with ''you'', Top Hat. :'''Warrior''': Yeah. :'''Captain Star''': Top Hat, why do I ''always'' have an argument with you? Now move out, come on. :'''Top Hat''': Yes sir. Of course. I'm so sorry. :'''Warrior''': Bye, Top Hat. :'''Top Hat''': But I don't see why- :'''Big Mac''': Get on with it! :'''Top Hat''': Oh well, here goes. (Breathes in) Really?! Some people are so tiresome… :'''Sunshine''': (laughs shortly) Y'know, to be fair to him, he does work as hard as ''we'' do, really. :'''O.J.''': We know. It's just his attitude gets too much sometimes. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zak''': Well, well, well. The ''Star'' tugs. 'Ere, What time d'you call this, eh? You needn't've bothered. There's no work for you. We've got it all sewn up. :'''Zebedee''': Yeah, you said it, Zak. :'''Big Mac''': We've as much right to go for this contract as you have. :'''Zak''': Think you'll do a better job, big mouth?! You ain't got no chance! Three against one, see, no chance! :'''Warrior''': What do you mean, ''three'' against one? There's only two of ya. :'''Zebedee''': Well, you don't do much 'cept get in the way, Warrior, so we count you on ''our'' side. Heh heh heh. Can't stop here all day, we've work to do. :'''Zak''': So long, ''losers''. :'''Big Mac''': Zak's engine doesn't sound too healthy, Warrior. Hey, Big Mickey, how about a real fast load up? :'''Big Mickey''': I'm ready for you! I heard what they said. Hope you beat 'em to it! :'''Big Mac''': We will, no problem. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zebedee''': Told you about your engine, Zak. You've should've had it seen to. :'''Zak''': ''[surrounded by smoke]'' Nothing wrong with it. Anyway, I've got an idea to fool those two, Listen: If we cut through the canal, we'll get there ''first''. Got to. If they follow us, they can't get past cause it's not wide enough. Right…? :'''Zebedee''': Brilliant, I don't know how you do it. Hey, let's go. Wait till we tell Cap'n Zero how we beat them. <hr width="50%"> :'''Big Mac''': See, we're catching 'em! …hello, what are they up to? :'''Warrior''': They're heading for the canal. :'''Big Mac''': I know that. That's it, they're taking a shortcut! :'''Warrior''': Alright, we'll follow 'em! :'''Big Mac''': No, we won't. They won't get through, it's high tide. :'''Warrior''': So what? :'''Big Mac''': Bridges, Warrior, bridges! :'''Warrior''': So ''what''? :'''Big Mac''': ''High'' tide, ''high'' load. ''[The Goods Engine crosses a bridge pulling three wagons]'' :'''Warrior''': Oh yeah. Bridges… :'''Big Mac''': Ten out of ten. They won't get ''that'' load under, will they? Let them go. They'll have to come back, and we'll be out of sight! <hr width="50%"> :'''Top Hat''': Go into reverse if you please, it's MY Water. ''[A Passenger Train crosses the bridge pulling two carriages]'' :'''Top Hat''': I repeat, it is MY WATER! :'''Zak''': We're Heavier! :'''Top Hat''': My load is WIDER! :'''Zebedee''': You've 5 Seconds to back up! :'''Top Hat''': What, Well, so have YOU then… :'''Zak''': Right, 5! :'''Eddie''': He means it, Top Hat! :'''Top Hat''': I am coming through, 4! :'''Zebedee''': So am I, 3! :'''Top Hat''': We'll see! 2! :'''Zak''': 1! Get to the bridge fast, Zeb, and you’ve got him! :'''Zebedee''': Watch my wake! That Star's met his match! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Both Zebedee ''and'' Top Hat put on full power and surged forwards towards each other and the bridge. :'''Lord Stinker''': Top Hat, look at his load! :'''Top Hat''': He's going to hit! Hold on, I'm going into reverse! :'''Zebedee''': He's backin' up! Didn't I tell you, Zak? :'''Zak''': Didn't even make a fight of it! ''(laughs, but stops)'' Oh no…. I see ''why'' now; the bridge! Zeb! ''REVERSE ENGINES! QUICK!!!'' :'''Zebedee''': Oh no! I- I can't stop! Ooooh, no! …''help!'' :'''Top Hat''': That's real Zero thinking, dummy. :'''Zebedee''': I s'pose Zak an' I'd better go and get some help… <hr width="50%"> :'''Top Hat''': ''(hears an engine's whistle)'' That’s a mail train, isn't it? Oh dear, the bridge! It's… It's… Wait a minute! I've got it! If I can get that steel rig ''under'' the bridge; maybe it'll hold while the train gets across. It's worth a try. :'''Lord Stinker''': Don't waste time cutting me free. Take me with you. :'''Top Hat''': You'll take that risk, Stinker? :'''Lord Stinker''': Of course I will, it's only rubbish. :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Top Hat's idea was to try and prop up the bridge, if he could get the steel rig into place before the train got there. It was signalled through, so there was no way anybody could stop it. :''(Top Hat and Lord Stinker pulls the steel rig's barge into place)'' :'''Top Hat''': ''[Straining]'' Pull!!! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The bridge was weakened by the accident. Top Hat could only hope his idea would work. There was no way of warning the train! <hr width="50%"> :''(Top Hat and Lord Stinker had manage to save the mail train by propping the steel rig under the bridge and it holds up long enough for the mail train to pass.)'' :'''Top Hat''': Phew… That was lucky. :'''Lord Stinker''': Well done, Top Hat. You saved the- :'''Top Hat''': ::Oh, LOOK OUT! ::''(the rig keels over & falls into the water.)'' ::This is terrible! ::''(without the steel rig, the bridge starts to buckle, then they hear another engine whistle)'' ::Oh, no, I know that whistle! :'''Eddie''': It's the ''Goods'' Train! :''(Little Owl the goods engine makes it's way towards the bridge just as it breaks apart completely with it now sloping down into the water)'' :'''Top Hat''': We can't save ''this'' one! It’s IMPOSSIBLE! :'''Lord Stinker''': No it’s not! Push me under that rail, quick! :'''Top Hat''': ::What? Oh yes, I see. I get the idea! Right! ::''(he shoves Stinker through the debris so that the rails lead to his hold)'' ::If this doesn’t work, you’ll be in danger ''yourself'', Stinker! :'''Lord Stinker''': I know. Don’t remind me. Just get me under the end of that rail! :'''Top Hat''': ''(pushed Lord Stinker into place, and Stinker's idea works, Little Owl lands safely in Stinker's hold, its wagons veer into the canal.)'' It’s worked, Stinker! You’re a smelly old genius, nothing less! :'''Eddie''': Hmm, took some brain to save that train… :'''Lord Stinker''': Oh, I say, hehe. :'''Top Hat''': I’ll never complain about your smell again. :'''Lord Stinker''': Rubbish can be valuable stuff. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Cor, well that's been a hard day, but we're all cleared up now. :'''Sunshine''': Yep. I bet everybody else had a really ''easy'' day waiting for the tide to go down… :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah, 'ere I bet Top Hat delivered Lord Stinker, then moored up somewhere quiet. :'''Sunshine''': Yeah. Somehow, he always manages it to take it nice and easy… <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Next day, work started on the bridge. There was no serious damage to the Goods engine, and its wagons were easily recovered from the canal. The Steel company ''weren't'' pleased with the damage the Z stacks had done to their Steel rig… However, it came out alright in the end. The Steel company got the contract for repairing the bridge and, ha ha, I had no difficulty in convincing them, that ''my'' Star tugs should get the contract for delivering the steel. == Munitions == :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' To run a fleet of tugs, you have to prepared to take on any job. One of the most difficult and dangerous was handling the big Naval Munition Ships. On this day, I remember Hercules had towed the naval tramper, Kraka-Toa, in from the base up the coast. Usually, a familiar and safe routine, but it had been a rough journey, ''real'' rough. And as if ''that'' wasn’t enough, he had to suffer Bluenose; the officious naval tug. :'''Bluenose''': Attention! Attention! You! Hercules! :'''Hercules''': 'Attention' nothing. I'm finished here, old darling. Moving out. :'''Bluenose''': Oh, no you don't! Not til' I check things out! :'''Hercules''': Check all you like, sweetheart. I'm needed elsewhere. :'''Bluenose''': You're under Navy jurisdiction! Obey orders, and wait til I've made my inspection! :'''Hercules''': I ''am'' under jurisdiction; ''Captain Star's''. A little wakewasher like ''you'' doesn't tell ''me'' what to do! :'''Bluenose''': Aha! We'll see about that, laddie! Hercules, here! Wait! Stay right where you are! That is an order! :'''Hercules''': Toodle-oo! :'''Bluenose''': Upstart civilian! I'll get you in a Naval convoy one day and I'll teach ''you'' a lesson or two! And ''then'' you'll know what orders are all about! <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': Now listen, you two: Towing this lot's the tricky bit. Zak, move off first. :'''Zak''': Right. :'''Zorran''': Go slow and don't take any nonsense from the Star mob. Show them explosives don't scare us. If they come too close, just- :'''Zak''': ''BLOW THEM UP!!!'' :'''Zorran''': Yeah… but with your hooter, dummy. No silly games, okay? You don't have to be ''that'' brave. :'''Zak''': Okay Zorran, ''sir''. :'''Zorran''': And watch out for the Naval twerp Bluenose. Your job is to deliver that barge directly to Naval tramper, Kraka-Toa. If Bluenose gives you different orders, ignore him and refer him to me. Just keep it steady. Keep flying that danger flag! Zebedee! Next! :'''Zebedee''': That Bluenose told me he was in charge and that I must obey orders. :'''Zorran''': You are; ''Mine'', remember that. :'''Zebedee''': I'll remember that, Zorran, sir…. :'''Zorran''': Eat your heart out, Star Stacks. This trip's worth ''twenty'' garbage barges, ferry trips or girder tows. Heh… if we don't get blown up. Right, easy does it… <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': ''(is loading the final munitions into Kraka-Toa during night time.)'' I'll be glad to get rid of ''this'' lot… :'''Bluenose''': Attention! Attention! :'''Zorran''': Oh no, here we go… :'''Bluenose''': I'm coming alongside! Move aside! You, with the circle on your funnel, move! :'''Zorran''': ''(irate)'' Eh? What, mean ''me'', mister, do you? :'''Bluenose''': Yeah, ''you'', mister! Move that barge! ''My'' load's first. :'''O.J.''': You shouldn't move a barge that's being unloaded. :'''Bluenose''': Get pensioned off, old timer! This is my pool, I say what goes! :'''O.J.''': Bah… :'''Zebedee''': Go and draw your pension, O.J., you're past it! :'''Zorran''': Shut it, the paddler's right. We're not moving that barge, mister! <hr width="50%"> :''(The munitions fire has started, thanks to Bluenose bumping Zorran's barge to move it out of the way.)'' :'''Big Mickey''': Emergency! Emergency! Clear the area immediately! :'''Bluenose''': STAY STILL, AND OBEY ORDERS! :''(The munitions begin to explode.)'' :'''O.J.''': Move out! Move out! Save yourselves! Ten Cents, cut your barge rope, and pull free. :'''Ten Cents''': My barge is clear, but Bluenose is blocking the way! :'''Bluenose''': I know what to do. Stay still, and don't panic! :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, come on, Bluenose, cast off, let's get outta here! :'''Bluenose''': I can't! I CAN'T! ''(A big explosion comes dangerously close.)'' '''I ''CAN'T!''''' :'''Ten Cents''': Try harder! Go on! :'''Bluenose''': My engine's cut out! :'''Ten Cents''': O.J.! His engine's out! I'm going in to help! :'''Zorran''': Don't be a fool, Ten Cents! ''Get out of there!'' :'''O.J.''': He's right! Move! :'''Zorran''': He's got himself into this! Leave him! :'''O.J.''': It's too dangerous, Ten Cents! :'''Ten Cents''': You're coming with me, Bluenose! :'''Big Mickey''': Keep going, Ten Cents! ''Keep going!'' The tramper's on fire! It'll blow any second! :'''Bluenose''': ''(Ten Cents starts pulling Bluenose away.)'' Don't you move me! I've got my--hic! My orders, and my orders say I am loading fuel there! :'''Ten Cents''': You can load all you want after I get you out of here. Hey, O.J.! What should I do with him? :'''O.J.''': Put him at the back, out the way, we don't want any more of his orders. :'''Bluenose''': Oi! This is a mutiny! Take me back immediately! Obey orders! Obey orders! Orders is orders! :''(Not seconds after Ten Cents has moved Bluenose, alarm klaxons start to blare in response to the fire. Worse yet, Big Mickey's dock erupts in flames, beginning to come apart.)'' :'''Zorran''': Oh no! Big Mickey's dock is going up! :'''O.J''': Move out, everyone! He's going over! :'''Big Mickey''': Stay where you are! I'll jib clear! :'''Zorran''': Just hope Mickey gets it right, otherwise he'll sink us ''all''! :''(More explosions occur.)'' :'''Ten Cents''': ''BIG MICKEY!'' :''(Mickey keels over as the dock beneath him collapses.)'' :'''Zorran''': Ahh, he's done it. He's falling sideways. :'''Bluenose''': '''''HELP!''''' :''(Mickey tumbles into the water with a huge splash, and sinks underneath.)'' :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating (TV version only)]'' And lying in shallow water saved Big Mickey from both fire and explosion. :'''Ten Cents''': That was too close for comfort! :'''O.J''': It took real skill to make that move. :'''Ten Cents''': He saved us all for sure… but the fire's getting out of control! :'''O.J''': They'll have heard the siren for sure. The Fire Tug'll reach us any minute. Just wish he were here now…. :'''Zak''': Fire Tug won't be much good… LOOK AT THAT TRAMPER! :''(Kraka-Toa has caught fire, and is starting to be blown apart by her load.)'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Eddie''': Someone's having a dockside celebration. :'''Top Hat''': Oh, no, if there was a party, ''I'' would have been invited. :'''Frank''': Perhaps they don't need a long-necked highbrow. (he and Eddie laugh) :'''Top Hat''': ''Very droll''. They certainly won't want lowlifes like ''you'' there. I say, what's that? :'''Fire Tug''': Emergency! Emergency! Get them tied off and follow on, Top Hat! Might need all hands! :'''Sunshine''': [VHS version] Yeah, follow on, Top Hat! Fire at the old dock! :'''Sunshine''': [TV version] Yeah, Top Hat, follow on! Fire at the old dock! :'''Top Hat''': I'd love to join you, but these two are in a right state! :'''Eddie''': Always our fault, eh, Frank? :'''Frank''': Never 'is, eh, Eddie? :'''Eddie''': He could take us along. D'like to ''see'' a fire. :'''Top Hat''': The ''only'' fire ''you're'' going to see -- I can tell you this for a fact -- is the one ''I'' will set under your tracks if you DON'T GET A MOVE ON! :'''Both Frank ''and'' Eddie''': ''(Sarcastically)'' Ooooohhh! :'''Top Hat''': There! <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': The Aft hold has blown, now the fire will ''really'' spread. :'''Ten Cents''': I feel so helpless… :'''Zebedee''': Cor! They were really big explosions!? :'''Zorran''': There's more to come yet! Just you wait, she was nearly fully loaded before that Naval twit arrived. What's on board'll rip her ''apart.'' :'''Ten Cents''': Isn't there anything we can do? :'''Zorran''': Like what, dummy? Anyway, you've done your bit. Just sit back and watch. :'''Ten Cents''': But it's spreading! And that means Puffa, the dockside will go up! :'''O.J.''': You're right Ten Cents. Come on everyone, shout and warn Puffa! :''(The tugs shouts to Puffa to go on and he does just missing an explosion, however as Puffa makes it out, a small warehouse explodes)'' :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, look over there! :''(the fire hits the Star Line petrol barge and catches fire)'' :'''O.J.''': That's ''all'' we needed! The petrol's caught fire! :'''Ten Cents''': And that tank's fully loaded! I must try and get it out to sea! :'''O.J.''': Don't do it, stay back! If that blows, it'll take ''you'' with it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lord Stinker''': What's that? :'''Warrior''': What's what? :'''Lord Stinker''': ::That! ::''(Warrior, while distracted, accidentally causes Lord Stinker to hit the dockside.)'' ::It's -- ouch! Be careful! It's a red sky. "Red sky at night: sailors' delight.". :'''Warrior''': The sun went down ''ages ago''. And that's ''north'', not west! :''(A slight pause.)'' :'''Both Warrior ''and'' Lord Stinker''': FIRE! <hr width="50%"> :'''Warrior''': Fire! Fire! :'''Fire Tug''': Just in time, Warrior! Use your fire hose on that barge and the oil yard, quick! :'''Warrior!''': Yes, sir! Right away, sir! I'll do me' best, sir! :'''Zorran''': There's two things wrong with that order, mister. Warrior don't move fast. His lights may be on but there's no one there. :'''Fire Tug''': At least he's ''in there'', Zorran. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sunshine''': Hey, the building's on fire now! Oh, I can't seem to stop it! It's- Oh! :''(the building explodes)'' :'''Fire Tug''': ::Just keep flaming water on it Sunshine! Stop the spread! Stop the spread! ::''(the oil tanks then starts exploding)'' :: Warrior, get out of there! It's going to blow! :'''Warrior''': ::I can control it, sir! Don't worry! ::''(he spectates the explosions with surprise.)'' ::Wow! ::''(One explosion sends a piece of debris into Warrior's face!)'' ::Ooh! That bit hit me! :'''Fire Tug''': Move back Warrior! Move back! :'''Warrior''': No sir, I've gotta look after Puffa. He's a mighty valuable and good friend. Got to look after you're friends you know. :'''Fire Tug''': Okay, Warrior. Here Zorran, give me a hand with this fire barge. We got to try and save that tramper. :'''Zorran''': Huh. Can't see this barge doing much good mister. Ha. But, you're in charge. :'''Zebedee''': Go on Zorran. Show them who's a real hero. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': This is getting too dangerous. ''(coughing)'' The tank's blistering badly. Oh no, it's starting to smoke! It's gonna go any second! I gotta get out of here! :''(But as he merely starts to back away, the petrol barge explodes.)'' :'''Sunshine''': ''(hears the explosion and starts worrying.)'' Ten Cents! It's Ten Cents! The oil-barge! I must--! :'''O.J.''': Stay put, Sunshine! You're needed here. :'''Sunshine''': But he might need help! :'''O.J.''': Just stay where you are! <hr width="50%"> :''(The dockyard fire has gone down, successfully contained, but Kraka-Toa has been completely destroyed by her payload. Her hull and decks obliterated, she capsizes with a last, dull blast from her smokestack.)'' :'''O.J''': Phew… just look at the ''state'' of the dockside! :'''Fire Tug:''' Yeah, but that's nothing compared with what could have happened. If Sunshine and Warrior hadn't contained the fire, it could've easily spread to the city. Well done, all of ya'. :'''Top Hat''': ''(is now on the scene, just seconds late to contribute.)'' Oh, dear. Seems I'm too late to save the day. What a pity! :'''Zorran''': Heh. Well, well, well! Get a drift of that, will you, lads?! Top Hat, all dressed up and nowhere to go! ''(He laughs mockingly, alongside Zak and Zebedee.)'' <hr width="50%"> :''(Morning. Ten Cents hasn't returned from pushing his flaming petrol barge out to sea to prevent it exploding in the harbour.)'' :'''Sunshine''': Ten Cents should have been back by now… :'''O.J.''': We must all salute a very brave tug, who saved us fr-… :''(A familiar tugboat's horn is heard.)'' :'''Sunshine''': ::Hey, I know that whistle! It's--! ''IT'S TEN CENTS!'' ::''(Ten Cents emerges from the morning fog, being pulled by Grampus. He is covered in ash, and is battered, but alive.)'' ::Ten Cents, what a mess! What happened? :'''Ten Cents''': Well, just as I started reversing, it blew to smithereens! Nearly took me with it. Lights went out, water in me engine… didn't know if I could make it back. But thanks to Grampus, I did. :'''Sunshine''': Hey, you're the luckiest tug around, lad! :'''O.J.''': And probably the bravest, too! :'''Grampus''': Well, I've been used for a few strange jobs before; but never have I brought in a switcher, and taken away… a ''twitcher''! ''(He tows Bluenose away while laughing.)'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': [Outro, VHS version] The accident was caused by a few hasty words and bad temper. Orders may be orders but they don't supersede common sense. Bluenose was right in his way, as were Ten Cents and O.J. right in theirs, but common sense from all three would have prevented the fire starting. Always respect fire. If you don't, it will destroy you, your surroundings and your friends. <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': [Outro, TV version] That all happened because of a few hasty words and bad tempers. Orders may be orders, but they blinded Bluenose from using simple common sense, and from keeping level-headed. So, a tiny incident grew into a big disaster, and the old dock was left in ruins. We should have the greatest respect for fire. Just think what might have happened to Ten Cents and his friends, just because Bluenose didn't. == Quarantine == :'''Top Hat''': Ugh, if the sun gets any stronger today, my varnish will bubble for certain! :'''O.J''': It's the longest heatwave I can remember. :'''Top Hat''': And You go back to the ''Ice Age'', O.J, by the sound of your engine. <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': 6:30's briefing time! :'''Ten Cents''': Sorry, Cap'n. We've been at the water docks. :'''Captain Star''': You know the scrap yard dealers are looking for ''useless'' tugs, don't you? Now, next time you're late; I'll ask them what they offer for a couple of ''switchers''. Understand?! :'''Ten Cents''': Yes, Cap'n, but- :'''Captain Star''': Ten Cents, O.J's engine's playing up. He's at the fire station picking up ''your'' barge. :'''Ten Cents''': Huh? :'''Captain Star''': Now if he's alright, join the others waiting for schooners and trampers getting clearance from quarantine. :'''Ten Cents''': Understand, Cap'n! :'''Captain Star''': One for you, Sunshine: Bring in the tramper, Nantucket. :'''Sunshine''': Old Dirtbucket… :'''Captain Star''': No wisecracks, just get moving! :'''Sunshine''': He wouldn't really sell us for scrap, would he…? :'''Ten Cents''' Not unless we were late every day. I ''hope'' not, anyway… <hr width="50%"> :'''Sunshine''': Aw no, Ten Cents, what happened? :'''Ten Cents''': Well, don't gawp! Go and get the emergency services, fast as you can! :'''Sunshine''': Er, right! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Burke and Blair had a second go at me. Hah, they never give up. :'''Blair''': Ah, Captain Star… :'''Captain Star''': What?! :'''Blair''': About O.J….. That ancient engine of his is finished and so is he. Isn't he, Mr. Burke? :'''Burke''': We don't sit around our breakers' yard watching our staff turn old boats into scrap. do we, Mr. Blair? :'''Blair''': Always on the lookout for ''who's next'' to go. That's our business, and O.J.'s top of our list… <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, good. Here comes the Coast Guard. :'''Coast Guard''': If you're waiting for clearance on the schooners, forget it. They're quarantined! :'''Top Hat''': Oh no… :'''Zorran''': What?! :''''Coast Guard''': Suspected microbonic plague aboard. Sorry, fellas. :'''Ten Cents''': Captain Star ''will'' be pleased, I don't think. :'''O.J''': To think how I flogged my engine to get here fast. :'''Top Hat''': And all for no purpose, it turns out. :'''Zorran''': Well, I think I'll go take a look-see anyway. :'''Ten Cents''': You're not going back then? :'''Zorran''': Err, Zug maybe. I'll mosey around here, see if there's a breeze out in the estuary. :'''Zug''': Don't you need ''me'', Zorran? :'''Zorran''': ''Push off, Zug''! :'''Zug''': Oh… Okay, Zorran. :'''Ten Cents''': He's up to something. I'd like to know what. You know, I never trusted that Zorran. :'''Top Hat''' Ah, but… Sunshine's gone out to bring in a tramper. :'''O.J''': Ah, Zorran will know about it for sure. :'''Ten Cents''': He wouldn't try and take it off him, would he? :'''Top Hat''': Well, of ''course'' the villain would. Who'd see him do it out there? :'''O.J''': Right then! Ten Cents, you and I'll go see fair play. :'''Ten Cents''': Aye-aye, sir! :'''Top Hat''': Oh dear, I don't know…. I do believe they see themselves as Sir Francis Drake. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': Ha, Forget them; Unclean. ''Ugghh''! <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': Broken down again?! :'''Ten Cents''': He put on max speed, Cap'n, to save me from quarantine! :'''O.J.''': My engine's only good for scrap, Captain, we all know that. :'''Captain Star''': You're right there. And I'm afraid, O.J., for you it means- …What's that about quarantine, Ten Cents? :'''Ten Cents''': Well if it hadn't been for O.J., I could've been in quarantine, now. Out of action for forty days! :'''Sunshine''': Aye, he saved Ten Cents, Cap'n, it's true. :'''O.J.''': Don't go on about it. :'''Captain Star''': Yes, don't. You'll have me in tears… :'''Ten Cents''': But honestly, Captain, you've gotta believe us, we're only reporting the facts! :'''Captain Star''': Very commendable, but it's ''one side'' of the facts, isn't it? :'''Burke''': Ahoy, Captain Star, sir! Can we again offer our services? :'''Blair''': We happened to see the subject of our previous visit being towed in. :'''Burke''': Old O.J., in a worse state than ever, wouldn't you say, Mr. Blair? :'''Blair''': Finished, you could say. For a quick sale, let's say; 150? :'''Ten Cents''': That's not for O.J.?! Captain, you ''can't'' sell him! :'''Captain Star''': I'm not going to, he's not for sale, now go! :'''Burke''': Ah well, if that's your attitude, you fork out for engine and refit! :'''Blair''': See if we care! :'''Captain Star''': Ten Cents, tow O.J. to Lucky's Yard. New engine, complete refit! :'''Ten Cents''': Yes sir, Captain Star, sir! Yeah, right, at once, sir! :'''O.J.''': Thanks, Captain! I'll see you never regret it. :'''Captain Star''': Sunshine, he doesn't need your help. We've got to make money to pay for this! Now, er… get on with your garbage collecting, right away! :'''Sunshine''': Er-Yes, Captain Star, sir! At once, sir! <hr width="50%"> :'''Coast Guard''': ''(Toots)'' Hey! Hey! Nantucket, I left you with your Quarantine flags ''up''! Where are they, eh? Eh? You're breaking the law, you're under arrest. Get those flags up again and fast! :'''Zorran''': What's this? I didn't know he was quarantined, officer! No flags were flying at all, as you just saw! :'''Coast Guard''': Well that's ''your'' bad luck, Zorran. Whether you knew or not makes no difference. You're infected! :'''Zorran''': But I'm innocent! I'm completely innocent, I- :'''Coast Guard''': Get quarantine flags up, right now, Zorran! :'''Zorran''': You're a real villain, Dirtbucket, know that? :'''Nantucket''': I wanted to get into port, didn't I?! :'''Zorran''': Yeah, and now I might get microbonic plague. :'''Blair''': Mr. Burke, I think there might be some spots on Zorran… :'''Burke''': I think you're right, Mr. Blair. We'll come back and check for rust later… [The Scrap Dealers Both laugh Maliciously!] :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Ten Cents would have been in quarantine if it haven't been for O.J. and O.J. would have been scrapped if it haven't been for Ten Cents. As for Zorran (short chuckle), he saw out his full term. == Trapped == :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' There were times (believe it or not) when the Star Tugs and Z-Stacks took on a big job together. One of those times I remember was when timber and tanning bark had to be brought down from the saw mills up river. And this year, it was especially important that we worked together. But Zug was making heavy going of towing an old hulk on its last journey. :'''Zip''': Hi, Zug! :'''Zak''': Hey, Zug! Zorran's going mad waiting for you! Where you been? :'''Zug''': Captain Zero told me to deliver this old rustbucket to the breaker's yard. :'''Zak''': You'll see Zorran at Mittsville before you get there. He's not gonna' like it… :'''Zug''': I'm only carrying out orders! Zorran can't blame me! :'''Zip''': Ha! Don't you believe it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' An alligator tug called Billy Shoepack worked up river, delivering essentials like gasoline, ropes, fuses and dynamite from Mittsville to the logging camps. Why an ''alligator'' tug? Well, you can see, he's just as low in the water. And in Billy's case; just as dangerous. :'''O.J.''': Ah, look who's here! It's Shoepack, the alligator tug! :'''Billy Shoepack''': Hey, Star Tugs! Don't you wish you carried something more exciting than wood? :'''Big Mac''': No thanks. Just get that stuff away from here, you're welcome to it. :'''Billy Shoepack''': Dynamite's exciting stuff! Makes lovely big bangs! Fairly harmless if you know how to handle it, like I do. :'''O.J.''': You're not unloading next to us, are you? :'''Billy Shoepack''': Afraid so, O.J.. Don't worry, if it goes up, we ''all'' go up! [''laughing''] :'''Big Mac''': ''Eh?!'' :'''Billy Shoepack''': No, it's safe. Only joking. :'''Big Mac''': You'd better be..! <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': What are you doing with that? We're all on ''Log'' Detail. Remember?! :'''Zug''': Oh, heh heh, er, sorry Zorran, I ''did'' remember. Captain Zero, er said to take it to the Breakers Yard on my way. :'''Zorran''': On your ''way''?! It's a mile further up river. I've been waiting for you like I've anchored 'ere til' I rust! :'''Zug''': Oh, yeah, heh heh, but, We've gotta' do what the Captain says Zorran. Unless they get it today, they won't take it. They've a lot of breaking up to do. :'''Zorran''': Including ''You'', if you don't get moving! <hr width="50%"> :'''Zug''': It- It- It's blocked the river! :'''Zorran''': Course it's blocked the river, you idiot! :'''Zug''': I'm trapped! This side. what can I do? :'''Zorran''': Wait there and claim salvage. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Zug''': But…help could be ages getting here! :'''Zorran''': You've got company. All the Stars are on your side. I've had plenty of time to see who was there, haven't I? That means Z-Stacks have got all the harbour to ourselves, haven't we? Captain Zero ''will'' be pleased! :'''Zug''': ''[now scared]'' D-Don't leave me here! :'''Zorran''': Sorry, Zug. We'll have to manage without you! <hr width="50%"> :'''O.J.''': What a mess, in't it? Captain Star'll go mad! :'''Top Hat''': Well, I ''did'' tell him, O.J. Working with Z-Stacks just doesn't work. :'''Zug''': It- It- It wasn't my fault! Ask Zorran! :'''Big Mac''': One of Zorran's little schemes? Hrrgn, I thought as much… :'''O.J.''': Never mind that. Let's just get out of here. :'''Top Hat''': ''Now for the voice of experience''… :'''O.J.''': Tell you what: We'll make a battering ram. Lash up three or four barges. :'''Top Hat''': Yeah… :'''O.J.''': Well, they're heavy with logs already! Then we get behind them and ram the tramper! :'''Zug''': Great, O.J.! Yeah! :'''Big Mac''': Might work… Well, let's try it. :'''Top Hat''': Well, I'll try Anything. ''However'' unlikely… <hr width="50%"> :'''O.J.''': ::Right, nobody push till I give the word, then keep going even when it hits. Ready, Steady, Go! ::(Zug, Big Mac and Top Hat starts pushing their battering ram towards the tramper) ::Keep Going! (They bent the tramper, but it doesn't move and Zug get trapped between the barges) :'''Top Hat''': Oh I Say! Oh! :'''Zug''': Help, I'm trapped! :'''Top Hat''': What? Well, no more then the rest of us? Hmm… :'''Zug''': I hope we won't get sucked under. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zorran''': I wouldn't try that little fella on a tramper that size, it might crush him! ''[cackling]'' :'''Ten Cents''': Oi! Zorran? Where's the salvage team? We can't do this on our own! Oi, come back here! :'''Little Ditcher''': I'll do the best I can, Ten Cents. :'''Ten Cents''': Huh? Oh, yeah, of course. Come on, Little Ditcher, you can do it… :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Ten Cents suspected that Zorran had only pretended to alert the salvage crew. He wanted to keep the Stars trapped up river. <hr width="50%"> :'''Billy Shoepack''': Stand by: 10… 9… 8…- :'''Big Mac''': I hope we're far enough away?! :'''Billy Shoepack''': 7… 6… 5… 4…- :'''Top Hat''': We'll soon know… :'''Billy Shoepack''': ::3… 2… 1… FIRE! ::[The Fuse burns down, but there's no explosion.] ::(Disappointed) ….What's happened? :'''O.J.''': ''You'' tell ''us''. :'''Billy Shoepack''': Probably the fuse got damp, that's all. One volunteer to go and see! :'''Big Mac''': What do you mean, ''one volunteer''? :'''Billy Shoepack''': While I fix another fuse wire. :'''O.J.''': Needs an expert, Billy! :'''Top Hat''': That, so you say, is ''you''. :'''Billy Shoepack''': Right, Leave it to me. None of you move. :'''Top Hat''': Anyone going to move? ''I'm'' not gonna' move. :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' They began to wonder how it was that Billy Shoepack hadn't blown himself up before this. :'''Billy Shoepack''': I was dead right. Hmm, just a wet fuse. :'''Big Mac''': Or was it never fixed properly? :'''Billy Shoepack''': No problem, it will go this time; sky high! :'''Top Hat''': Sky high is ''too'' high by far… <hr width="50%"> :'''O.J.''': Yeah, come on. Get on with it! :'''Billy Shoepack''': Here we go… :'''Big Mac''': Yes, 3-2-1-Go! :'''Billy Shoepack''': Don’t rush me, ''I'' do the countdown! 10… 9… 8…- :'''Zorran''': Zug… :'''Billy Shoepack''': 7… 6…- :'''Zorran''': Zug? :'''Billy Shoepack''': 5… 4…- :'''Zorran''': ANSWER ME, YOU FOOL! :'''Billy Shoepack''': 3… 2… 1… FIRE! (this time, the dynamite goes off as the tramper's hull splits in two, unleashing a torrent of fast flowing water) :'''Zorran''': ::Ugh! What’s happening?! ::(the raging flow forces Zorran back downstream) ::Oooaarrgh!!! :'''Billy Shoepack''': GERONIMO! What a sight. What a bang. BRILLIANT!!! (Zug and the Stars cheer as they ride down the rapids) :'''Top Hat''': I do believe we have to agree with him. Whoops! :'''O.J.''': Don't ''fight'' the flow, ''go'' with it! (as the tugs conture on down the rapids, Zorran ends up getting stuck on the rocks) :'''Sunshine''': (cheers) Woo-hoo! Come on lads! :'''Top Hat''': Yes! :'''O.J.''': Well done! Let's go! <hr width="50%"> :'''Big Mac''': Ooh, You got a problem there, Zorran. :'''Zorran''': (''sarcastically'') ''Oh yeah''? (the tugs laugh at Zorran's predicament) :'''Sunshine''': Hey, Zug! Zug! Doesn't Zorran look funny, eh? Stuck up on those rocks! :'''Zug''': Well, er- I suppose that er- heh… heh heh… (Zug desperately tries not to laugh, but can't help himself) :'''Zorran''': Stop laughing! Stop laughing, it's not funny! :'''Sunshine''': Well, ''we'' think it is! Don't we, Zug? :'''Zug''': Yeah. Uh, no…. :'''O.J.''': Alright, joke's over. Back and pick up our barges. Problem solved. :'''Billy Shoepack''': Thanks to me, you didn't believe I'm an expert, did you? :'''Sunshine''': Aye, true. :'''Top Hat''': Well, there ''was'' an element of luck, I suspect, but I must say, I am quite impressed. :'''Billy Shoepack''': Well, I can't play any more games with you. I've got ''real'' work to do. :'''Sunshine''': Bye, Billy! ::'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' For once in his life, Shoepack had done a great job. :'''Zorran''': Never mind him. What about me?! :'''Ten Cents''': In trouble, Zorran? Looks like ''you'' got crushed instead of Little Ditcher! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' ''[Chuckles]'' The only thing Zorran ''succeeded'' in doing that day, was trapping ''himself'' instead of the Star Tugs! == Ghosts == :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The Bigg City Port was in the grips of winter. It had come earlier than expected, and with it came the fog. None of us like fog, but in those days, it was worse: Tugs had no radio and no radar. Long periods of fog had a way of conjuring up old sea stories and superstitions among the boats of the harbour. I remember Big Mac returned quite late. He'd been working all day with Scuttlebutt Pete who'd been telling him old sea stories, of strange things that happened when fog was around. As he passed derelict buildings, they seemed to take on ghostly shapes. They groaned and creaked as if they were alive. As Big Mac got close to an old warehouse, he heard a whisper which grew louder…. <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' He was soon back at the Star Dock…. :'''Top Hat''': Slow down! You know better than to travel in fog at ''that'' rate of knots! :'''OJ''': You alright? You look as if you've seen a ghost. :'''Big Mac''': I…. I, Well, I saw something…. I… er… No, I can't tell you, you'll only… laugh. :'''Top Hat''': Oh, come on, we weren't even serious. :'''Big Mac''': Well… I ''have'' seen ghosts! :'''Top Hat''': ''What?!'' You've seen what? :'''Big Mac''': ''Ghosts!'' You know Scuttlebutt's story about those tugs that sank in the Great Storm of 1912? :'''Warrior''': And they come back to get you…. :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, Big Mac… You're not taking Scuttlebutt's story for real, are you? :'''Big Mac''': Aye, well I'm not going out there again 'til the fog lifts. :'''Top Hat''': Ha, Well I never thought I'd hear ''that'' from a harbour tug! :'''Sunshine''': Well, he- He could have seen something…. There ''could'' be ghosts! You never know… :'''Top Hat''': Don't be ridiculous. ''Really…'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Izzy Gomez (the old tramper) had failed all day to get a cheap tow into port. So, he decided to try and sneak in for ''Free'', with the help of the fog. :'''Zorran''': Hello, hello! Ha ha! You never learn, do you, Izzy? Eh? [Chuckles] Crime doesn't pay, you know! :'''Izzy Gomez''': Oh, what you talk about….? :'''Zorran''': Slipping into port, on your own, without a tow? Well I hope you run aground! I'll be there; you'll be ''my salvage''! :'''Izzy Gomez''': Hey, I no salvage! Okay. Fifty, most I give you for a tow. :'''Zorran''': Eh?! Get lost! Not for Five Hundred! You'll be worth more as ''Scrap''! ''[leaves]'' :'''Izzy Gomez''': Well, I ''did'' ask about a tow, and I did not ''get'' a tow, so…. ''[pulls up anchor]'' :'''Zorran''': Heh. That Izzy. I'll get him one day! Anyway, with luck, there should be a few distress calls today, eh? Suckers always pay at least Double to get 'em out of trouble. <hr width="50%"> :'''Izzy Gomez''': Hey! You watch where you're going! ….Why they don't answer? Is funny…. Ay Carumba, is-a Ghosts! Oh, don't take me, I got a tow already, he's on his way, please don't take me! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' The Ghost Tugs slid silently into the fog. Zorran was so shaken, he sailed around in a circle and met Izzy again. :'''Zorran''': Ooof, Ahh! Oh, er, Oh it's you… Heh heh… Not got far, have you? :'''Izzy Gomez''': Amigo, give me a tow, I pay what you want, any price you say! :'''Zorran''': Er, no Izzy, my old friend, er- I'll tow you in for free, I need some Company getting back to port. Ha ha… <hr width="50%"> :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': Oi! You stupid tug! You sailed right between us! You scared the daylights out of us altogether! :'''O.J.''': Thought I was a ghost tug, did ya? :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': Don't joke about ''those'' things! :'''O.J.''': Not seeing things, are you? You're beginning to believe those tales you tell. :'''Scuttlebutt Pete''': Well take care, O.J! :'''O.J.''': Cheerio! ''[stops as the ghost fleet passes before him]'' Now ''I'm'' seeing things…. They're there! That's the ghost tugs! Right before my eyes. Ooooh, I hope they don't see me… <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Ten Cents and Sunshine were taking fuel out to Lillie Lightship. :'''Sunshine''': Ohhh, how're we gonna find her in this? :'''Ten Cents''': O.J taught me to wiggle, to keep the breeze on the same cheek all the time. That way we'll beat the currents, sail in the right direction. She can't be too far away now. :'''Sunshine''': What's that? That sounds like ice breaking. It can't be, can it? Oh, I don't like it, Ten Cents, what's happening?! :'''Ten Cents''': How should I know? It's weird! ''[the ghost fleet appear in front of them]'' Look! :'''Sunshine''': Ohhh….. jeepers creepers! Aww, oh, we're for it! Our number's up… It is! They've come to get us! <hr width="50%"> :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' An early sun had burned off the fog, but Top Hat was still asleep where he'd tied up. :'''Top Hat''': D- Oh! Go away, ghosts! No, don't hurt me! Please! Please! I- Oh, Grampus… :'''Grampus''': What are you doing ''here'', Top Hat? What's this about ghosts? :'''Top Hat''': Did I say 'ghosts'? Oh, I must've been dreaming. I lost my bearings in the fog and moored here for the night…. :'''Grampus''': ''[chuckling]'' Here? That ''is'' funny. :''' Top Hat''': What's so funny? :'''Grampus''': You're only 500 yards from the Star Tugs Pier! It's there! Look! :'''Top Hat''': Listen everybody, I've seen Ghost Tugs for myself! :'''O.J''': We've ''all'' seen them. Ten Cents and Sunshine have seen a Galleon too. :'''Top Hat''': But these ''were'' ghosts, I assure you! I saw them! Really! Silent! Phantoms of the sea! :'''Ten Cents''': So, you admit ghosts exist now, Top Hat? :'''Hercules''': Ghosts? What's that about, m'dears, hmm? :'''Big Mac''': Ghostly White Tugs! :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah. White Tugs, and a big galleon! :'''Sunshine''': And Neptune, I think. :'''Warrior''': I saw them too! :'''Hercules''': You're all going crazy! Seeing things that aren't there! ''[laughs]'' :'''Sunshine''': I'm not sure. I don't know ''what'' I saw now…. :'''Hercules''': Well, I'll tell you: They're the White Fleet, down here from Northern waters on a trail of an iceberg. These Tugs sail, at times, with engines off, listening for cracking ice. There was a wooden galleon frozen in this iceberg which must have melted in our warmer water. That's why you saw the Old Vessel bob up to the surface. I doubt you saw Neptune, Sunshine, ''he's'' for fairy tales. You let the fog get to you, m'dears! ''[laughs]'' :'''Ten Cents''': Hercules, behind you! :'''Hercules''': Well that's your ghostly galleon. :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' They watched with embarrassment as Burke and Blair towed away the rotting galleon. Later on, Star Tugs found they could laugh about it. But they ''never'' forgot the fog, that nearly sent them Crazy! == Bigg Freeze == :'''Lillie Lightship''': Hi, Hercules. Seen Ten Cents? :'''Hercules''': I think he's up the River, Sweetheart. Why? :'''Lillie Lightship''': I'm waiting for him to refuel me. My gauge shows I'm pretty low! :'''Hercules''': Well, He'd better look after you, cause I'm bringing Vienna in on the night tide. If ''your'' light isn't on to guide her in, she ''doesn't come in''! :'''Lillie Lightship''': What's Keeping Ten Cents? It's ''not'' like him… :'''Hercules''': Big shortage of fuel barges, all frozen up in Bigg City Port. They'll be here soon. Keep smiling M'dear. :'''Lillie Lightship''': I always ''do'', Hercules… <hr width="25%"> :'''Zorran''': If they want this barge; they can't have it. See? :'''Zug''': No, no- You keep it, Zorran! :'''Zip''': Yes. yes, you keep it! :'''Zorran''': I ''will''. Right, Fill 'er up; Kerosene. :'''The Fuel Depot''': 't'll Take a while in this cold. <hr width="25%"> :'''O.J.''': Not an idea between us? :'''Top Hat''': No ''bright'' ones, O.J.. :'''O.J.''': Anybody got a ''stupid'' one then? Come on, say it. Might lead to something, you never know. :'''Warrior''': ….I could set fire to my garbage. :'''Top Hat''': What? What on earth for?! :'''Warrior''': Well, make a light for Vienna, wouldn't it? :'''Lillie Lightship''': I think that's a smashing idea. :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Just Lillie's approval was good enough for Warrior. The others stared, speechless, as he quickly towed his barge away and got himself alongside it, Revved his engine to full steam, to make sparks fly out of his stack. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zip''': How'd you get past that fire barge, Ten Cents? :'''Ten Cents''': Easy! :'''Zorran''': 'Ere, what's up with you two? :'''Zip''': Ah, well, we blocked them up the creek to save the fuel contract for you, Zorran! :'''Ten Cents''': We only went for the light barge! :'''Zorran''': Huh?! You IDIOTS! We needed that light here, didn't we? To get Vienna in, for ''US'', as well as for ''Them''. Now, what's this about a fire barge? Have you taken one from its station?! :'''Zip''': We only jammed it a ''little'' way! :'''Zorran''': Well, get back up there quick before the Fire Chief gets there! :'''Ten Cents''': Fire Chief won't be pleased with you two! 'Ere, it'll take 'em all night to get that fire barge free. :'''Sunshine''': Aye, it will, aye-aye. Maybe they should've thought of that when they jammed it in. <hr width="50%"> :'''Top Hat''': Why couldn't I have been a liner, I wonder? :'''Warrior''': 'Cos you're not big enough. :'''Lillie Lightship''': You ''are'' silly, Warrior. :'''Hercules''': You're clear, Vienna! Bon voyage, Godspeed! :'''Sunshine''': Aww, she really is lovely… :'''Ten Cents''': Yeah…. :'''Top Hat''': Goodnight, Vienna! :'''Ten Cents and Sunshine''': Goodnight, Vienna… == Up River == :'''Big Mac''': Take it easy, Sunshine! :'''Captain Star''': ''[narrating]'' Big Mac had a healthy respect for logs. :'''Sunshine''': Hey, this is a nasty jam, Big Mac. :'''Big Mac''': Aye, could sink you. Logs don't care about no one. :'''Sunshine''': Never thought there'd be this much trouble logging. Ah! :'''Big Mac''': It's a tricky job. Logs have got to be roped just right: Not slack, but not ''too'' tight! :'''Sunshine''': ….Isn't tighter the better? :'''Big Mac''': Ha, you'd think so, but too tight causes friction as they bob up and down and that creates ''heat'' and they can catch fire. :'''Sunshine''': Huh? :'''Big Mac''': And ''that'll'' happen here, if we can't get this jam shifted! :'''Sunshine''': Aye. Wet logs catching fire… I can never get used to that. :'''Big Mac''': Aye, always surprises me. Well, we'll have to keep at it. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ten Cents''': Oi, Puffer, you in trouble? :'''Puffer''': No, ''you'' are, Ten Cents! Sunshine's trapped in a log jam! :'''Ten Cents''': OH! Where?! :'''Puffer''': Well, he's up at the lake! :'''Ten Cents''': Oh, right! I'm on my way! Thanks! :'''Puffer''': Good luck, old kid! You'll need it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Big Mac''': Naagh, Can't shift 'em, Sunshine, no matter what I do. :'''Sunshine''': ''[coughs]'' Don't worry, I'm okay. The smoke from me stack seems a bit heavy though. :'''Big Mac''': I'm afraid that smoke's not coming from your stack. :'''Sunshine''': No, I, er- I didn't think it actually was. :'''Big Mac''': I've gotta get you out of there, fast! :'''Sunshine''': How long d'you think it'll be before it bursts into flames? :'''Big Mac''': ::Never timed it! ::(The logs start to heat up with fire around Sunshine, just then, Ten Cents arrives, whistling urgently.) ::Ahh, Ten Cents! :'''Ten Cents''': Ohh, how'd this happen? :'''Big Mac''': Never mind how, swing 'round and try to push the logs clear, we've got to get Sunshine out! <hr width="50%"> :'''Billy Shoepack''': Hello! :'''Ten Cents''': Aw, no! It's Billy Shoepack with his dynamite! :'''Sunshine''': Aw, tell him to clear off, Ten Cents. Flames and dynamite don't mix! :'''Ten Cents''': Look, get outta here Billy! One spark from this landing on your dynamite, and we could ''all'' go up! :'''Billy Shoepack''': 'Hang on, Hang On, 'ow did you get in ''that'' mess? :'''Big Mac''': [''Sarcastically''] On Purpose Shoepack, just for the fun of it. On yer way man! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sunshine''': ''[coughs]'' Haven't had such a bad cough, since me ''engine'' needed [cough] overhaulin'! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sunshine''': That sounds like Puffer. Great! Send ''him'' to Uptown, he's faster than the current'll carry the logs. :'''Ten Cents''': You're right, Sunshine, he'll get there first! Oi, Puffer! Warn Uptown that the log dam is broken, the logs are heading their way, it's an emergency! :'''Puffer''': Will do, but what can ''they'' do about it? :'''Ten Cents''': O.J.'s at Uptown, tell him! :'''Puffer''': Right. On my way, Ten Cents! A race against time… I'LL BEAT 'EM! :'''Ten Cents''': Look, don't stop for anything! <hr width="50%"> :'''O.J.''': Which factory did you say, Warrior? :'''Warrior''': Captain Star said "take Little Ditcher to the demolition factory." :'''O.J.''': He meant the factory that's ''due'' for demolition. Hey, what's that? Puffer, what's up? :'''Puffer''': A mass of logs! On their way from the lake! Get downriver, fast! I've gotta get to Uptown Station to warn them! :'''Top Hat''': Good heavens! In this current, they'll wreck the whole quayside and us as well! :'''Warrior''': Well then, let's stop 'em, right here! :'''O.J.''': Be sensible, Warrior! How?! :'''Warrior''': Well er, I'll stick Little Ditcher across the river, he'll put his spuds down on the riverbed, and he won't move. :'''Little Ditcher''': No, I'll get smashed to bits instead! == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Thomas & Friends}} [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:UK TV shows]] [[Category:ITV shows]] [[Category:Children's TV shows]] [[Category:PBS shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] 3yexbzsprrkjpqnuu9j4q688pjoqlrm 0 65822 3944681 3919366 2026-05-24T00:48:00Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944681 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Miguel and Tulio (48570763292).jpg|thumb|Miguel and Tulio! Tulio and Miguel! Mighty and powerful gods!]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Road to El Dorado|The Road to El Dorado]]''''' is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks]] animated film about two thieves, Miguel and Tulio, who accidentally discover El Dorado, the city of gold, where they are mistaken for gods. :''Directed by [[w:Bibo Bergeron|Eric "Bibo" Bergeron]] and Don Paul. Written by [[w:Ted Elliott|Ted Elliott]] and [[w:Terry Rossio|Terry Rossio]], as well as additional sequences directed by [[w:Will Finn|Will Finn]] and [[w:David Silverman (animator)|David Silverman]], based on the 1994 book ''Conquest: Montezuma, Cortés and the Fall of Old Mexico'' by [[w:Hugh Thomas|Hugh Thomas]].'' {{center|'''They came for the gold... they stayed for the adventure.'''}} ==Tulio== * Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice! * Well, it was nice working with you, partner. * '''''HOLY SHIP!''''' * Because the High Priest is '''NUTS!''' * Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt! * I'm trying! I'm trying! I can't think with all these distractions! * ''[rising anger]'' Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... great... big... '''''ROCK!''''' ''[Tulio's voice echoes across the misty environment]'' * Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one! * Uh, I wonder how long it would take Tzekel-Kan to do it. * All right. Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... one of those longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no mañana! * I'm on the verge of... '''''STOP!''''' ''[silence, as "STOP!" echoes]'' ==Miguel== * And they call us Miguel and Tulio! * Tulio, I just want you to know... I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona. * We'll follow that trail! * Even those mountains! You said it yourself, it could be possible! And it is! It really is the map to El Dorado! * I have been around boats, believe me, and that, um, the pointy, tall, um, the long up and down thing. * You know, speaking of kings, the chief and the high priest seem a bit, uh, tense. * ''[to Tzekel-Kan]'' Hey, it was his stupid plan! * But, Tulio, this place is amazing. * Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. A long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end. * The gods are speaking for themselves now! This city, and these people have no need for you anymore! There will be no sacrifices! Not now, not ever! Now get out! * Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck? ==Chel== * Oh, then I suppose you'll be wanting these back? * I'm not really asking you to trust me, am I? * Uh, Chief? The gods have changed their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the glory that has been shown them. * Tulio! The hip! The hip! * Save it for the High Priest, honey, you're gonna need it. * What is he gonna think when he sees a god with me? ==Tzekel-Kan== * You do not want the tribute? * Well, as speaker for the gods, it would be my privilege to point them out. * My Lord, these people will not respect if they do not fear you. * ''[first words]'' Behold! As the prophesies foretold, the time of judgement is now! Citizens, did I not predict that the gods would come to us? * As the "gods" command. * O mighty lords! Come. Let me show you to your temple. * To commemorate your arrival, I propose a reverent ceremony at dawn. * But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. They're like snakes, they are, spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating, with no remorse. Spinning webs of lies, like spiders! * ''[last words]'' Wait! '''NO, WAIT! '''WAIT!''''' * Now everyone will know the truth of your divinity. * Finally, we're connecting. ==Chief Tannabok== * My lords, why now do you choose to visit us? * You know, Lord Miguel, if you wish to stay, you only need to say so. * '''''STOP!''''' ''[the natives stop; a gold plate rolls toward the cliff and Tulio stops it with his foot]'' They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple! * The mast? * Oh, we expected you to be staying with us for the next thousand years. * Big smile. Like you mean it. A-one, two, three. * Ah, then perhaps I could prepare a glorious feast for you tonight. ==Hernán Cortés== * Today, we sail to conquer the new world, for Spain, for glory, for gold! * ''[to Tzekel-Kan]'' You lying heathen. There's nothing here at all. * ''[Miguel and Tulio have been brought to Cortes, having been discovered hiding on his ship]'' My crew was chosen as carefully as the Disciples of Christ, and I will not tolerate stowaways. You will be flogged. And when we put in to Cuba to resupply, *God willing*, you will be flogged some more. And then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig! * There is no El Dorado here. Onward, men. * It better be there, for your sake. ==Zaragoza== * Your dice are loaded! * One more roll! * A map of the wonders of the new world. * Not with those! This time we use my dice. ==Acolyte== * They've been cleared for the streets, my lord, so the city can be cleansed, as you ordered. * I don't know. * Yes. So the Age of the Jaguar can begin, as you ordered, my lord. * But, my lord, anyone who disobeys your orders must be punished, as your ordered. * Tzekel-Kan has made your commands clear, my lord. ==Others== * '''The Cook''': Hey, Altivo! Ah-ta-ta, not for you! You're on half rations. Orders from Cortes. * '''Warrior''': I'm okay! ''[the foot squishes the man then he roaring]'' I'm still okay! * '''Native''': Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! Approaching the city, is an army of strangers. ['''Chief''': We are safe here. They'll never find the gate to the city.] But, sire, they are being led by Tzekel-Kan. * '''Kid #1''': The Gods deserve a proper tribute. * '''Kid #2''': Stop! There will be no sacrifices! == Dialogue and Quotes == :''[first lines, as the theme song begins by Elton John playing, then cut to Spain]'' :'''Cortes''': ''[scoops the water up in his cup]'' Today, we sail to conquer the new world, for Spain, for glory, for gold! :''[the crowd cheer]'' :'''Man''': Viva Cortes! :''[the guns fire at the horse, spilling water on his shirt]'' :'''Cortes''': Altivo, eyes forward. ''[throws a cup at the poster at two men named Miguel and Tulio, saying, "WANTED REWARD 100 DOUBLOONS"]'' :'''Tulio''': Seven! :'''Miguel''': All right! Yes! :'''Tulio''': Partner! Hee-hee! ''[grabs the dice]'' :'''Miguel''': ♪Tons of gold for you!♪ :'''Tulio''': Hey! ♪Tons of gold for me!♪ :'''Zaragoza''': Hey! :'''Miguel and Tulio''': ♪Tons of gold for we!♪ :'''Zaragoza''': '''''HEY!''''' :''[they both stop dancing, then Miguel stops playing the guitar]'' :'''Zaragoza''': '''''ONE MORE ROLL!''''' ''[Miguel plucks his guitar]'' :'''Tulio''': Uh, guys, you're broke! You got nothin' to bet with! :'''Zaragoza''': Oh, yeah? I got this! :'''Man''': A map! :'''Tulio''': A map? :'''Miguel''': A map! :'''Zaragoza''': A map of the wonders of the new world. :'''Miguel''': Wow! Let's have a look. ''[points at the map, grabbing it]'' Uh, Tulio! :'''Tulio''': Excuse us, for one moment, please. :'''Miguel''': Tulio, look! El Dorado, the city of gold. This could be our destiny, our fate. :'''Tulio''': Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice. :'''Miguel''': Hmmm. :'''Tulio''': Not the face. No, no, no, no, no. No! No! No! No! No! No! :''[Miguel pants like a dog]'' :'''Zaragoza''': ''[grabs the map]'' I said one more roll! My map against your cash. :'''Miguel''': Hmm? :'''Tulio''': All right, peewee. You're on! :'''Zaragoza''': Not with those! This time we use my dice. Ehh, got a problem with that? :'''Tulio''': ''[shakes his head]'' No. ''[grabs the dice, whispering to Miguel]'' I'm going to kill you. :''[the map lands on the coins, then Miguel starts playing on the guitar]'' :'''Tulio''': Come on, baby. Papa needs that crappy map. :''[Miguel plays a guitar by the woman, giggling, then Tulio hands a dice to a woman, walking away, blowing his dice]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[to Miguel]'' Stop that! :''[Miguel stops playing on his guitar]'' :'''Tulio''': Show me seven! :''[Miguel looks at the dice, spinning around, landing on the ground, then they all cheer]'' :'''Tulio''': Seven! :'''Miguel''': All right! :'''Tulio''': Seven! :''[Zaragoza groans, then Miguel grabs a map by Zaragoza]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[laughing]'' There it is! Well, nice doing business with you! :''[the dice roll on the ground by Zaragoza]'' :'''Zaragoza''': ''[pounds on the ground]'' '''I KNEW IT!''' :''[Tulio grabs the dice by Zaragoza, then Miguel continues playing his guitar]'' :'''Zaragoza''': '''''YOUR DICE ARE LOADED!''''' :'''Tulio''': ''[grabs the guitar by Miguel]'' What? You gave me loaded dice? ''[the face hits on the guard]'' He gave me loaded dice! Guard, arrest him! :'''Miguel''': You dare to impugn my honor? He was the one who was cheating? Arrest him! He tricked these sailors and took their money! :'''Tulio''': Oh, now I'm the thief? :'''Miguel''': Yes. :'''Tulio''': Take a look in the mirror, pal! :'''Miguel''': Oh, you better give them that money back, or I'll... ''[takes a sword out]'' '''''EN GARDE!''''' :'''Tulio''': En garde, yourself. I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death. ''[takes a small sword]'' But not with that. ''[takes a big sword out]'' Never mind. Ha! I prefer to fight fairly. Aha! ''[they both fight]'' :'''Tulio''': Well, any last words? :'''Miguel''': I will cut you to ribbons, fool! :'''Tulio''': Such mediocrity. :'''Miguel''': Let your sword do the talking. I will. It will be loquacious to a fault! :'''Tulio''': Ha! Take that! ''[they both fight their swords, jumping on a table]'' :'''Tulio''': You, mincing, fencing, twit. :'''Miguel''': You fight like my sister. :'''Tulio''': I've fought your sister. That's a compliment. :'''Miguel''': Blackguard! :'''Tulio''': Heathen! ''[trips and falls to the ground]'' Not the face. not the face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miguel''': Ah, you fight like my sister. :'''Tulio''': I fought your sister. That's a compliment. :'''Miguel''': '''''BRAGGART!''''' :'''Tulio''': Heathen! ''[steps on a roof, breaking the piece, falling down]'' :'''Man''': Kill him! :'''Miguel''': Not the face. Not the face. ''[grabs another sword]'' :''[they all gasp and clamor]'' :'''Tulio''': Ladies and gentlemen, we've decided it's a draw. :'''Miguel''': ''[throws swords at the guard]'' Thank you all for coming. You've been great. See you seen. :'''Tulio''': Adios! :''[they both fall to the ground]'' :'''Miguel''': Congratulations. You're very good. :'''Tulio''': No. That was good. :'''Miguel and Tulio''': Very... :''[the bull appears at Tulio and Miguel, gasping, then mooing, then snorting]'' :'''Miguel''': We should have kept our swords, I think. :'''Tulio''': Yeah. ''[whispering]'' Yeah, I've got a plan. What is it? Uh, well... Uh, you pet him... :'''Miguel''': Yeah. :'''Tulio''': ...and I'll '''''RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!''''' :''[they both start running]'' :'''Miguel''': Uh, well, thanks a lot! :''[the bull charges at Tulio and Miguel, climbing up on a wall, knocking the wall, sliding down, running at the men]'' :'''Man''': There they are! Yikes! Hide it! ''[the bull appears, then the men run away, then the bull continues charging at Tulio and Miguel, the the guards appear, taking the swords out, then they go inside with a woman screaming]'' :'''Tulio''': Bye. Thank you! ''[the guards gasps, then the bull knocks the guards over, with pieces flying in the air, with a hat rolling down the stairs, then they climb up, then they swing down, with clothes falling on the guards, then they land on the building, shooting arrows at them, then they look down at the barrels filled with water]'' :'''Miguel''': I'll bet we can make that. :'''Tulio''': Two ''[[w:Peseta|pesetas]]'' says we can't. :'''Miguel''': You're on! ''[they both jump of the edge and land in two barrels]'' You lose! ''[Tulio flips two pesetas into Miguel's barrel, Almost immediately, ropes are thrown around the two barrels and they are hoisted into the air.]'' :'''Tulio''': What's happening here? :'''Miguel''': We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge. ''[the man lowers the barrels on the ship, then the men roll the barrels, putting the barrels on the floor, then they spit their corks out]'' :'''Tulio''': Okay, Miguel, we gotta move fast. On III, we jump out and we head for the dock. :'''Miguel''': Good. Good. Okay. Excellent. :'''Miguel and Tulio''': 1, 2, 3. ''[the men put the chest on the boat as grunting]'' 3! 3! Ohh, 3! ''[cut at night, showing the half moon]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[off-screen]'' Uh, you ready? Ah, okay. One more. Let's go. :'''Miguel and Tulio''': One, two, three! ''[they pop out their barrels, then they hear a fly buzzing and the wind whistling]'' :'''Tulio''': Excuse us. :'''Miguel''': Okay. We're outta here. :'''Tulio''': Who ordered the, uh, pickles? ''[the guards locked Tulio and Miguel]'' :'''Miguel''': Cortes! :'''Cortes''': My crew was as carefully chosen as the disciples of Christ. ''[cracks his knuckles]'' And I will not tolerate stowaways. ''[Tulio gulps]'' You will be flogged. And when we put Cuba to resupply, God willing, you will be flogged some more, and then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig. :'''Miguel''': All right! Cuba! :''[the guard carries Tulio and Miguel to the brig, then cut to the ships, then the man whistles, carrying apples to Altivo, chuckling, then nickering]'' :'''Man''': Hey, Altivo! Ah-ta-ta, not for you! You're on half rations. Orders from Cortes. :''[the apple drops on Miguel, gasps, then Miguel looks at Tulio banging on the wall]'' :'''Miguel''': So, uh, how's the... How's the escape plan coming? :'''Tulio''': All right. All right. Wait! I'm getting something. :'''Miguel''': Yeah. :'''Tulio''': ''[continues banging his head on the wall]'' Okay. Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no ''mañana!'' :''[Pause]'' :'''Miguel''': Back to Spain, yeah? :'''Tulio''': Yeah. :'''Miguel''': ''[uncertainly]'' In a ''rowboat.'' :'''Tulio''': You got it. :'''Miguel''': ''[sarcastically]'' Great. Sensational. And that, that's your plan, is it? :'''Tulio''': That's pretty much it. :'''Miguel''': ''[Delighted]'' Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck? :'''Tulio''': Hmm. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats... :'''Miguel''': ''[bored; sarcastic]'' Oh, great! :'''Tulio''': ''[annoyed]'' Oh, okay, what's ''your'' idea, smart guy?! :'''Miguel''': ''[also annoyed]'' Wha-wha-what do you mean? Don't ask ''me'' that! You're the one with the plans. :''[they hear Altivo whinnying]'' :'''Miguel''': Wait, I... I have an idea. Uh, come on. Give me. Give me a boost. ''[holds the apple]'' Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. A long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end. :'''Tulio''': Miguel, you're talking to a ''horse!'' :'''Miguel''': Yes, that's it Altivo. Find the pry bar! :'''Tulio''': Yes, "find the pry bar". He can't understand "pry bar"! He's a dumb horse, there's no way he'd- ''[Altivo drops keys into the brig]'' Well. It's ''not'' a pry bar. <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut at night, closing the top, then Miguel walks backwards, then Tulio takes the bag and barrel, then Altivo taps Miguel]'' :'''Miguel''': Oh, Altivo. Oh, thank you, old boy. Listen, if we can ever return the favor... :''[Altivo sniffs at Miguel]'' :'''Tulio''': For Pete's sake, Miguel, he's a ruthless warhorse, not a poodle. Come on, before he licks you to death. :'''Miguel''': ''[to Altivo]'' Adios. :''[Altivo whines, then he goes in a boat, then he looks in a boat]'' :'''Miguel''': Shh, shh. Shh. Quiet, please. :'''Tulio''': What's the matter with him? :'''Miguel''': Oh, he wants his apple. Well, give it to him before he wakes the whole ship! :'''Tulio''': Fetch! ''[throws an apple at Altivo, bouncing on the curtain, the pole, the telescope, then the apple splashes in the water, then Altivo dives in the water to try to get the apple]'' :'''Miguel''': Altivo! :'''Tulio''': Huh? Miguel! :''[Miguel dives in the water, then the boat lands in the water]'' :'''Miguel''': Altivo, I'm coming! :'''Tulio''': Miguel! Just hang on! :'''Miguel''': I'm right here, old boy! :'''Tulio''': Have you lost your mind? :'''Miguel''': Help is coming! :'''Tulio''': ''[gasping, seeing a ship]'' Holy ship! :''[the ship knocks Tulio and Miguel, splashing in the water, then they all gasp, then the crate breaks]'' :'''Tulio''': Loop the rope under the horse! :'''Miguel''': Yes! ''[takes an inhale, swimming underwater, grabbing Tulio]'' :'''Tulio''': On the count of three, pull back on the rope. :'''Miguel''': What? ''[gasping]'' :'''Tulio''': Three! :''[the ship splashes on Tulio and Miguel]'' :'''Tulio''': Pull! :''[Tulio and Miguel fall in the water, then they hold on the crate]'' :'''Miguel''': Tulio! Hey, it worked! :''[they climb on the boat]'' :'''Tulio''': Did any of the supplies make it? :'''Miguel''': Well, um, yes and no. :''[Altivo is shown eating the few supplies that made it into the boat.]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ohh, great! :'''Miguel''': Tulio, look on the positive side. At least things can't get- :''[Thunder claps and rain falls.]'' :'''Tulio''': Excuse me, were-were you about to say "worse"? :'''Miguel''': No. :'''Tulio''': No? :'''Miguel''': No. :'''Tulio''': You sure? :'''Miguel''': Absolutely not. I've revised that whole thing. :'''Tulio''': Yeah. We're at least in a rowboat. :'''Miguel''': We're in a rowboat. Exactly. You miss nothing. :''[they all look at the shark fins, then they continue rowing, then hearing a clap of thunder, with waves moving, then they hear a seagull, then the seagull lands on a paddle, coughing, laying down, then they smack their lips, then the shark eats the seagull on a paddle, then they all sob, then cut to evening, then they continue rowing the boat]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miguel''': Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this? :'''Tulio''': ''[pauses]'' The horse is a surprise. :'''Miguel''': Any... regrets? :'''Tulio''': Besides dying? Yeah. I never... had enough... gold. :'''Miguel''': My regret, besides dying, is... our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us. :'''Tulio''': Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you... made my life... an adventure! ''[he starts crying]'' :'''Miguel''': And if it's any consolation, Tulio, ''[sniffles]'' you made my life... rich! ''[he also cries]'' :''[Altivo snorts in irritation; the boat has been drifting near land the whole time.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Miguel''': Tulio! We've done it! :'''Tulio''': What's that? The map? :'''Miguel''': It's all right here! :'''Tulio''': You ''still'' have the '''''map?!''''' :'''Miguel''': The whistling rock! The stream! :'''Tulio''': You kept the map, but you couldn't grab a little more '''''food?!''''' :'''Miguel''': Even those mountains! '''You''' said it yourself, it could be possible! And it is! It really ''is'' the map to El Dorado! :'''Tulio''': ''[flatly]'' You drank seawater, didn't you? :'''Miguel''': ''[frustrated]'' ''Oh, come on!'' :'''Tulio''': I'm not "coming on"! I wouldn't set foot in that jungle for a million pesetas! :''[Tulio starts to head back to the rowboat; Miguel gets an idea.]'' :'''Miguel''': ''[smirking]'' How about... a ''hundred'' million? :'''Tulio''': ''[stops]'' What? :'''Miguel''': I just thought that, after all, since El Dorado's the city of gold... :'''Tulio''': What's your point? :'''Miguel''': You know, dust, nuggets, bricks. A ''temple,'' where you could pluck gold from the very walls, but you don't want go! So let's go back to the boat and row back to Spain! After all, it worked ''so'' well last time. :''[Miguel pretends to head back to the boat; Tulio changes his mind and hurriedly stops him.]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[sputters]'' Wait! Hmm. Wait a minute. New plan. We ''find'' the City of Gold. We ''take'' the gold... and '''''then''''' we go back to Spain. :'''Miguel''': And ''buy'' Spain! :'''Tulio''': Yeah! :'''Miguel''': That's the spirit! ''[grabs the sword]'' Come on, Tulio. We'll follow that trail! :'''Tulio''': What trail? :'''Miguel''': ''[chopping the vines]'' The trail that we blaze! :''[the vines fall down, revealing a rock, long pause]'' :'''Miguel''': That trail that we blaze! :''[the music begins "The Trail We Blaze" by Elton John playing]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[grabs a leash]'' Oh, no, you don't. :''[Altivo bites Tulio's butt]'' :'''Tulio''': YEOW! Your horse bit me in the butt! ''[the snake hisses at Bibo, chopping the snake, then they walk down, pointing right]'' :'''Miguel''': Charge! ''[Altivo rides down, stopping by Tulio, then Tulio grabs a map by Miguel, looking at the map]'' :'''Tulio''': What are you looking at? ''[looks at Bibo]'' Whoa! ''[Altivo carries Tulio, riding down, going to the bird, then Miguel looks at a map, then Tulio walks away by Miguel, chopping the leaves, then Tulio jumps in the water, then Miguel takes the bugs/leeches off of Tulio, the Tulio walks on the rocks, then the fish bites Tulio's butt, running away, then Miguel brings a fish to Tulio]'' :'''Miguel''': Dinner is served. :'''Tulio''': Hello. ''[Tulio and Miguel jump in the water, then the monkey looks at Tulio and Miguel in the water, then the monkeys put clothes on, then the monkey puts his pants on, then the monkeys run away, then they get out, running away to try put the clothes back on, the the monkeys wave at Tulio, Miguel and Altivo, after they put clothes back on, then they look around, then they walk on a log, then they hear a thunderclap, starting to pour rain, then they ride down, leaping on stones, then Miguel looks at a map, then Tulio grabs a map, then they walk down, then the butterflies fly out, then they all walk up, then walking down, then the wood breaks, then they all fall down, then Bibo falls down, hitting the stone, then the map lands on Tulio, looking at it, looking around]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tulio''': Hmm. ''[scratches the stone]'' Miguel. Miguel, wake up. We're there. Oh, yeah. We found it. We found it? :'''Miguel''': Oh! Fantastic! Where is it? How far? :'''Tulio''': Right here! :'''Miguel''': Where? :'''Tulio''': Here. :'''Miguel''': Behind the rock? :'''Tulio''': No, no. This is it. :'''Miguel''': ''[stammering, grabbing a map]'' Give me that! This ca... What? :'''Tulio''': Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... "Great... Big... '''ROCK!'''" ''[silence, as "ROCK!" echoes]'' Hey, but I tell you what. I'm feeling generous, so '''''you''''' can have '''''my''''' share! :'''Miguel''': Tulio, you don't think, Cortes could've gotten here before us and, and- :'''Tulio''': And what? Taken all the '''''really''''' big rocks? The '''''scoundrel!''''' :'''Miguel''': Tulio, you... We have to think about this. We've come all this way, and we should really, you know... :'''Tulio''': Get on the horse! :''[Miguel sighs]'' :'''Tulio''': No, no, no, not with the face. ''[picks Miguel up]'' Stop. ''[clears throat]'' Looks like there's a pass right over there. :''[A woman named Chel. She runs up to hold bag of gold? A Tulio and Miguel, bumping to Altivo, then Altivo walks backwards, then the guards run up, then they gasp]'' :'''Miguel and Tulio''': Hyah! :''[the guards stop by Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo snorts, then Chel throws a rock to Tulio, then Tulio throws a rock to Chel, then throwing the rock back and forth]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[chuckling]'' I've... :''[the rock hits Tulio]'' :'''Tulio''': Uh, hello. Is this your rock? Sorry. We were just looking. We're, uh... We're tourists! Tourist. ''[clears throat]'' We lost our group. May we go now? :''[Acolyte points at Tulio, gasping]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[chuckling]'' Spears. :''[Acolyte points the spear, then the guards follow by Acolyte, the Bibo looks at the stone, then the guard takes the rock to Chel]'' :'''Chel''': Hey! Hey! :''[Bibo looks at the guards, looking at the guards, then Acolyte walks in the waterfall, then they walk in the cave, then they get off of Altivo, then they walk in the boat, then Chel sits in the boat, then Miguel whistles, then the rocks fall down, then they look at the vines, gasping, then they all look at the light, gasping]'' :'''Miguel''': Oh, my... It's... It's... :'''Miguel and Tulio''': ''[whispering]'' El Dorado. :''[the boats continue riding down, with butterflies flying up, then Miguel looks at the fish, then Altivo puts a tail in the boat, then a boy walking with a woman with a pot, dropping it, then Bibo swims in a backstroke, then the boat arrives at the building, with a man running in the building, then cut to Chief, with a man whispering at Chief, then Acolyte walks in a building by Tzekel-Kan, chanting, then Acolyte whispers to Tzekel-Kan, pushing Acolyte, then cut back to Tulio and Miguel, walking up to the building]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tulio''': Well, it was nice working with you, partner. :'''Miguel''': Tulio, I just want you to know. I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona. :'''Tulio''': So... You... You, f... :'''Tzekel-Kan''': '''''BEHOLD!''''' As the prophesies foretold, the time of judgement is now! :''[they both gasp, then Chief walks by Tzekel-Kan]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Citizens, did I not predict that the gods would come to us? :''[they all look around]'' :'''Miguel''': Hmm. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[chuckling]'' My lords, I am Tzekel-Kan, your devoted high priest and speaker for the gods. :'''Tulio''': Hey. :'''Chief''': I am Chief Tannabok. What names may we call you? :'''Miguel''': Huh? I am Miguel. :'''Tulio''': And I am Tulio. :'''Miguel''': ''[gets off of Altivo, getting tangled up by the foot]'' And they call us Miguel and Tulio! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Your arrival has been greatly anticipated. :'''Chief''': My lords, how long will you be staying in El Dorado? :''[Chel looks up]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Aha! ''[grabs Chel]'' I see you've captured this temple-robbing thief. ''[takes Chel]'' How would you have us punish her? :'''Chel''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no! My lord, I am not a thief. See, the gods sent me vision to bring them tribute from the temple to guide them here. My only wish is to serve the gods. :''[Tzekel-Kan continues holding Chel]'' :'''Tulio''': Release her, don't ya think? :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[lets go of Chel]'' Then you will begin by returning this to its rightful place. :''[Bibo climbs out of the water]'' :'''Chief''': My lords, why now do you choose to visit us? :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Enough! You do not question, the gods! :'''Miguel''': That's right! Do not question us, or we shall have to unleash our awesome and terrible power! And you don't want that! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': '''''WELL, YES! WE DO!''''' :'''Miguel''': You do? :'''Tzekel-Kan''': '''''OF COURSE WE DO! VISIT YOUR WRATH UPON THIS NONBELIEVER! SHOW US THE TRUTH OF YOUR DIVINITY!''''' :'''Tulio''': Divinity! One moment. :''[they all walk down]'' :'''Tulio''': Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one! :'''Miguel''': Well, I'm sorry. I just got carried away! :'''Tulio''': Way away! :'''Miguel''': Maybe we should tell the truth and then beg for mercy. :'''Tulio''': Are you nuts? We'd be butchered alive! :'''Miguel''': Yes, but they're getting suspicious. And if we don't come up with some mega-cosmic event... :''[the volcano continues rumbling, then erupting]'' :'''Tulio''': I'm trying! I'm trying! I can't think with all these distractions! You... Horse... Think horse. :'''Miguel''': Think, think, think. :'''Tulio''': I'm on the verge of... '''''STOP!''''' ''[echoing]'' Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! :''[the smoke goes back in the volcano, then coughing, then they gasp, then they look around, then they put their hands out, then they all chant]'' :'''Miguel''': ''[to Acolyte]'' Don't make me start it up again, 'cause I will. :''[Acolyte bows down, then they walk to Tzekel-Kan, bowing down, then Chief bows down]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': O mighty lords! Come. Let me show you to your temple. :'''Miguel''': All right! Temple. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[to Chief]'' Step aside. ''[walks up the stairs]'' :''[they all walk up the stairs, then they walk in the building, then Tulio and Miguel climb up, then Chief and Tzekel-Kan look at Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo climbs up, then they open a curtain, then they bow, then they go in]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': To commemorate your arrival, I propose a reverent ceremony at dawn. :'''Chief''': Ah, then perhaps I could prepare a glorious feast for you tonight. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Which would you prefer? :'''Miguel''': Both. :'''Tulio''': Both. :'''Miguel and Tulio''': Both. :'''Miguel''': Both is good. :'''Chief''': My lords. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': My lords. :''[they both close the curtain]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': And so dawns the Age of the Jaguar. Happy new year. ''[chuckling, walking away by Chief]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut back to Tulio and Miguel]'' :'''Miguel''': Hey! :'''Tulio''': Hey. Hey. :''[Miguel laughs, tapping Tulio, then they laugh, then Altivo walks on the water]'' :'''Miguel''': Tulio. Tulio. They actually think we're gods. :'''Tulio''': It's an entire city of suckers. :''[Chel looks at Miguel, Tulio, and Altivo]'' :'''Tulio''': We just have to keep this up long enough, to load up on the gold and then get the hell out of here! :'''Miguel''': Tulio, we'll be living like kings! :'''Tulio''': Miguel and Tulio! :'''Miguel''': Tulio and Miguel! Mighty and powerful... :'''Miguel and Tulio''': Gods! :'''Chel''': Hello. ''[both yells out; Chel bursts out laughing]'' :'''Tulio''': Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt! ''[Chel hums calmly]'' :'''Miguel''': Beware the wrath of the gods! Begone! ''[mimics lightning bolt]'' Ck-ck! :'''Chel''': ''[smiling]'' Save it for the High Priest, honey. You're gonna need it. :'''Miguel''': Ck-ck! :'''Tulio''': Miguel, it's not working. :'''Miguel''': Ck-ck! :'''Tulio''': Miguel! We've been caught. :'''Miguel''': Ck-ck... :'''Chel''': Oh, no. Don't worry about me. "My only wish is to serve the gods." Remember? :'''Tulio''': How? :'''Chel''': Well, you guys both want the gold and you don't want to get caught, right? You're going to need my help. :'''Miguel''': What makes you think we need ''your'' help? :'''Chel''': ''[mimics Miguel's lightning sound]'' "Ck-ck!" Are you serious? ''[Altivo laughs in a neigh. Miguel and Tulio stammer in disbelief]'' :'''Miguel''': Okay. So, uh, who are you? :'''Tulio''': Yeah, uh, what's your angle? :'''Chel''': ''[chuckles]'' No angle. I want in. :'''Tulio''': In? :'''Chel''': On the scam. :'''Tulio''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' There's no scam. Why would you think there's a s-? ''[suddenly serious]'' '''''Why?''''' :'''Chel''': ''[chuckles]'' So I can get out. :'''Miguel''': I thought she just said she wanted in? :'''Tulio''': She wants ''in'' so she can get ''out.'' :'''Miguel''': Aha! Got it. ''[confused]'' Why? :'''Chel''': Think you're the only ones who dream of better things? Of adventure? You've got your reasons, and I've got mine. Let's not make it personal, okay? It's just business. :'''Miguel and Tulio''': '''''Oh.''''' :'''Chel''': ''[puts both her arms around Miguel and Tulio]'' So, when you guys are ready to go back to wherever you came from, I'm going with you. :'''Tulio''': ''[bursts out laughing and gently removes Chel's hand from behind his neck]'' No! Don't think so. ''[Miguel coughs and whistles]'' :'''Chel''': All right. Fine. ''[chuckles and hits Miguel and Tulio's chests as she passes them]'' After all, I'm sure you know the proper rituals for blessing a tribute, the holiest days on the calendar, oh, and of course you know all about Xibalba. ''[pinches Tulio's cheek and giggles]'' Okay? Good luck. ''[Tulio rubs his cheek]'' See you at the execution. :'''Tulio''': ''[sputters]'' Wait! Ho- Would you- Hold it. :'''Chel''': ''[chuckles]'' Deal? :'''Tulio''': Hmm. :'''Miguel''': ''[stretches hand out]'' Deal. :'''Tulio''': ''[pull Miguel's hand away]'' Not yet. Let's just see how this works out. :'''Chel''': Uh-huh. Well, then, I suppose that means you'll want these back? ''[produces Tulio's dice in her hand]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[pats his vest pocket, shocked]'' ''How'd you get those?'' ''[snatches them back from Chel and replaces them in his vest pocket]'' :'''Miguel''': ''[raising eyebrows]'' Where was she ''keeping'' them? :'''Chel''': Call me, Chel, your new partner. :'''Tulio''': Uh, that's partner-in-training. :'''Chel''': Now, put these on. Your public's waiting. :'''Tulio''': ''[he and Miguel are about to undress, but Tulio stops.]'' Do you mind? :'''Chel''': ''[not realizing what Tulio meant.]'' No. ''[suddenly, she gets the idea.]'' Oh! Oh! Oh! Right. Uh, excuse me. ''[Miguel struggles to take his shoe of.]'' Bye. :'''Miguel''': Mm-mm-mmm! Maybe they should call this place "Chel Dorado." :'''Tulio''': ''[distracted]'' She's whoo- ''[breaks distraction]'' Whoa, she's trouble! Wait a minute! :'''Miguel''': What? :'''Tulio''': The little voice? Remember the little voice? Well, just for a second, imagine that you have one. What would it be saying about Chel? :'''Miguel''': Hmm... ''[purrs]'' :'''Tulio''': '''''No.''''' No. Listen. We are partners. :'''Miguel''': We're partners. :'''Tulio''': We have a ''plan,'' remember? :'''Miguel''': Get the gold, go back to Spain. :'''Tulio''': Yes. '''''And''''' we are pretending to be ''Gods'' now. Put Chel in the mix. What is the voice saying? Listen carefully. :'''Miguel''': ''[hesitantly]'' Chel is...off-limits, hmm? :''[game show bell dings]'' :'''Tulio''': Bravo! Chel is off-limits! Shake on it. ''[he and Miguel do a secret handshake.]'' Off-limits. :'''Miguel''': Besides, we're supposed to be Gods. We must avoid giving in to temptation. :'''Tulio''': Gods. ''[cloth falls down, but Tulio catches it and ties it back up again.]'' Oh. ''[embarrassed]'' This is gonna be tougher than I thought. :'''Miguel''': Tulio, relax. All you have to do is smile, act Godly and follow my lead. <hr width"50%"/> :''[Tulio gasps]'' :'''Chief''': Big smile. Like you mean it. A-one, two, three. :''["It's Tough to Be a God" begins]'' :'''Tulio''': ''♪''I hardly think I'm qualified. To come across all sanctified. I just don't cut it with the cherubim.♪ :''[the baby bites Tulio's finger]'' :'''Miguel''': Tulio, what are you talking about? ♪There again, they're on their knees. Being worshipped is a breeze. Which rather suits us in. The interim.♪ :'''Tulio''': ♪Interim, interim, it's me and him.♪ Oh, my God! :'''All''': ♪It's tough to be a god!♪ :'''Tulio''': ♪Tread where mortals have not trod. Be deified when really you're a sham!♪ :''[Altivo bites the fruit]'' :'''Tulio''': ♪Be an object of devotion, be the subject of psalms!♪ :'''Miguel''': ♪It's a rather touching notion! All those prayers and those salaams!♪ :'''Tulio''': ♪And who am I to bridle? If I'm forced to be an idol? If they say that I'm a god. That's what I am! What's more if we don't comply, with the locals' wishes, I can see us being sacrificed. Or stuffed.♪ :'''Miguel''': You have a point there. Very good thinking. ''♪''So let's be gods! The perks are great!♪ :'''Tulio''': Yeah! :'''Miguel''': ♪El Dorado on our plates.♪ :'''Tulio''': Thank you. :'''Miguel''': ♪Local feelings should not be rebuffed.♪ :'''Tulio''': ♪Never rebuffed. I never rebuff a local feeling. No, my friend.♪ :'''All''': ♪It's tough to be a god! But if you get the people's nod! Count your blessings! Yeah, keep 'em sweet! That's our advice!♪ :'''Miguel''': It's great advice! :'''All''': ♪Be a symbol of perfection! Be a legend, be a cult! Take their praise, take a collection! As the multitudes exalt!♪ :'''Miguel''': ♪Don a supernatural habit!♪ :'''Tulio''': ♪We'd be crazy not to grab it!♪ :'''Miguel''': You got it! :'''All''': ♪So sign on two new gods for paradise! Paradise!♪ :''[they both tap their cups, then Chief dances with the group, then Altivo dances, laying down on the ground, fade to black]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[then cut to Tulio and Miguel sleeping, then Tzekel-Kan appears, then they both gasp]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Good morning, my lords! :'''Miguel''': He's back! :'''Tulio''': Oh, no. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': And now it's my turn! '''''THE GODS HAVE AWAKENED!''''' ''[echoing]'' :''[they all cheer, then Tulio falls to the ground]'' :'''Tulio''': Mm-hmm. :''[Chel throws flower petals on the ground]'' :'''Tulio''': Hey, Chel, what's going on? :'''Chel''': It's not gonna be good. :'''Tulio''': Thank you. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': This city has been granted a great blessing. And what have we done to show our gratitude? A meager celebration. '''THE GODS DESERVE A PROPER TRIBUTE!''' :''[the woman reveal a bag, then they shake their head]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': The beginning of a new era, the dawning of a new age, demands, sacrifice! :''[the bag reveals a man, then they all gasp]'' :'''Tulio''': I don't like this. :'''Miguel''': Tulio, we've got to do something. :''[Tzekel-Kan starts to perform a human sacrifice.]'' :'''Tulio''': Stop! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Hmm? :''[Miguel and Tulio walk up to victim.]'' :'''Tulio''': This is not a proper tribute! :''[Miguel rescues the intended victim and drags him to safety.]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[surprised]'' You do not ''want'' the tribute? :'''Miguel''': No. No, no. W-We want tribute. Uh, it's just that, um... Tulio, tell him. :'''Tulio''': The stars are not in position for this tribute! :'''Miguel''': Like he said! Stars...can't do it. Not today. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[uncertain]'' Ah. Perhaps it is possible that I... misread the heavens. :'''Miguel''': Don't worry about it. To err is human. To forgive. Hmm. :'''Chief''': My lords, may the people of El Dorado offer you our tribute. ''[points at the women natives carrying gold]'' :''[Tulio gasps, looking at the people holding gold]'' :'''Chief''': My lords, does this please you? :''[Tulio sighs]'' :'''Miguel''': Yes, very nice. :'''Tulio''': Certainly acceptable. :'''Miguel''': Yes, lovely. It'll do. :'''Chief''': The gods have chosen! To Xibalba? :''[the crowd murmur]'' :'''Chel''': No. No. :'''Miguel and Tulio''': To Xibalba! :'''Chel''': Oh, great. :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Xibalba! Xibalba! :''[the woman throws gold in the whirlpool, then they look at the gold falling in the whirlpool]'' :'''Miguel''': Hey, Chel, um, what are they doing? :'''Chel''': They're sending it Xibalba, the spirit world. :''[the gold continues falling the whirlpool]'' :'''Tulio''': The spirit world. :'''Chel''': I'll take care of it. ''[clears throat]'' Um, excuse me, Chief. The gods have changed their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the reverence that has been shown them. :'''Chief''': '''STOP!''' :''[they all stop throwing gold in the whirlpool, then a gold plate rolls towards the cliff by Tulio, and stops it with his foot]'' :'''Chief''': They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple! :''[Chel walks by Tulio and Miguel]'' :'''Tulio''': Nice going. :''[they all walk in, then Chief chuckles]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Smile while you can. :''[cut to Cortes, breaking a skull]'' :'''Cortes''': ''[looking around]'' Well, well, well, what have we here? ''[evil chuckle]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut back to El Dorado]'' :'''Tulio''': Ai-ai-ai. :'''Miguel''': ♪Tons of gold for you, hah!♪ :'''Tulio''': ♪And tons of gold for me, hoo!♪ :'''Miguel and Tulio''': ♪And tons of gold for we, ah!♪ :'''Tulio''': Not bad for a day's work, eh? :'''Miguel''': Not bad at all. :'''Tulio''': Yeah. We just became richer than the king of Spain. ''[laughing]'' :'''Miguel''': You know, speaking of kings, the chief and the high priest seem a bit, uh, tense. :'''Tulio''': Buenos Dias! Listen, all we have to do is keep playing the one against the other. You know, do a little god dance, chant some mystic mumbo jumbo, dazzle 'em with some smoke and mirrors and then get the hell back to Spain. :'''Miguel''': Um, Tulio, how are we gonna get all this back to Spain? :'''Tulio''': Ummm... :'''Chief''': A boat? :'''Tulio''': Yeah. :'''Miguel''': Um, we really hate to be ascending so soon, but, uh, some urgent business has come up, family matters, you know, and it's just a bit... :'''Tulio''': Yeah, family. :'''Miguel''': Badda-bing, budda-boom, you know what I mean? :'''Chief''': Oh, we expected you to be staying with us for the next thousand years. :'''Tulio''': Well, as we say in the spirit world, there's your plan and then, there's the gods' plan. :'''Miguel''': Mm-hmm. :'''Tulio''': And our plan, uh, calls for a boat, 'cause we're gonna ascend kind of in a horizontal pattern at first. :''[Miguel chuckles]'' :'''Tulio''': And then we're gonna go vertical, uh, as we get further out to sea. :'''Chief''': Hmm. To build a boat large and glorious enough, would take about a week. :'''Tulio''': A week? Hmm. :'''Miguel''': Um... :'''Tulio''': Uh, I wonder how long it would take Tzekel-Kan to do it. :'''Chief''': But for the gods, uh, three days. :'''Tulio''': Uh... :'''Miguel''': Well, if that's the best you can do. :'''Chief''': Oh, perhaps if you were not burdened with so much tribute, you could leave sooner. :'''Miguel''': Hmm? :'''Tulio''': Hmm? I like it here. Miguel? :'''Miguel''': Yep, yep. Three days is just fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tulio''': ''[After he and Miguel tell the chief that they intend to stay in El Dorado for three days so that a boat can be built for them, Tulio is tossing gold ear rings in his hands and looking worried]'' No. Three days is not fine. This is a real... ''[he hands the gold ear rings to Chel]'' These. These are the ones. :'''Chel''': ''[accepts them from Tulio]'' Thank you. :'''Tulio''': ...problem. ''[Turns to Miguel sitting on a chair]'' Miguel, how are we going to keep this up for three days? :'''Miguel''': ''[Gets off the chair looking exasperated at Tulio's concern]'' You worry too much. :'''Tulio''': ''[runs toward Miguel]'' No, I worry exactly the right amount! ''[turns Miguel around]'' You can ''never'' worry too much! We just have to lie low. :'''Miguel''': ''[Looks out at a view of the city in awe with beautiful music playing in the background]'' But, Tulio, this place is amazing. I mean, I wonder what's- :'''Tulio''': ''[cuts him off]'' [[w:The Fox and the Hound|No!]] ''[record needle scratches, stopped the music]'' '''''Don't even move!''''']] :'''Miguel''': Tulio- :'''Tulio''': No moving!? :'''Miguel''': A little, but-- Come on. :'''Tulio''': Hey! Hey! Hey! :''[He and Miguel scuffle]'' :'''Tulio''': Stay! :'''Miguel''': I- :''[Tulio groans in annoyance.]'' :'''Miguel''': I just- :'''Tulio''': Just...stand there! :'''Miguel''': ''[frozen in shock]'' For ''three days?'' ''[he topples over]'' :'''Tulio''': Yes! Exactly. For three days. Don't even breathe, all right? :'''Miguel''': ''[gets up and brushes his sleeve clean]'' All right. We lie low. :'''Tulio''': No, ah-ah-ah-ah! Promise? :'''Miguel''': Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right, all right. :'''Tulio''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Great. Good. Okay. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to... ''[tickles Chel]'' ...gloat over my gold. ''[he kisses a small gold statue happily]'' :''[Chel giggles, then Tulio kisses the gold]'' :'''Tulio''': Oh, yum, yum, yum. :'''Chel''': ''[walks by Miguel]'' It's beautiful, isn't it? :'''Miguel''': Yeah! :'''Chel''': You know, you really shouldn't miss it. :'''Miguel''': I know. But I couldn't. :'''Chel''': Go ahead. I'll cover for you. :'''Miguel''': Oh, good. Thanks. ''[walks away by Chel]'' So, what happened to Altivo? :'''Chel''': I don't know. :'''Tulio''': ♪Tulio goes for paradise!♪ Hey, what happened to Miguel? :'''Chel''': I don't know. :'''Tulio''': ''[drops the gold]'' Oh, my God! '''HE'S GONE! MIGUEL'S GONE! HE'S LOOSE! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?''' Oh, no, no! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Chel''': Oh, Miguel is right. You worry too much. :'''Tulio''': ''[groaning]'' Oh. Ooh. ''[moaning]'' Oh, yeah. Oh, oh, down, down, down, down. :''[Chel hums]'' :'''Tulio''': No! No! Big trouble. ''[gets up]'' Big trouble. ''[chuckling]'' Whoa! Look, sweetheart, we're in the middle of a con here, walking the razor's edge. On the one hand, gold! On the other hand, painful, agonizing failure! ''[clears throat]'' I can't afford any tempta... uh, distractions. So, I'm sorry. So sorry. ''[takes a sharp inhale]'' But perhaps another time? Another place, hmm? :'''Chel''': ''[chuckling]'' Too bad. I'm free now. :'''Tulio''': I'm not really sure I trust you. :'''Chel''': I'm not really asking you to trust me. Am I? :'''Tulio''': Whoo. 'Kay. ''[rubs Chel, moaning]'' Ooh, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut to Miguel, walking down, looking at the birds, then looking at the people running, then walking to Acolyte]'' :'''Miguel''': ''[to Acolyte]'' Excuse me. Excuse me? Hey, where is everybody? :'''Acolyte''': They've been cleared for the streets, my lord, so the city can be cleansed, as you ordered. :'''Miguel''': Cleansed? :'''Acolyte''': Yes. So the Age of the Jaguar can begin, as you ordered, my lord. :'''Man''': Get back in! Where are you going?! :'''Miguel''': Hey! Hey, stop that! :'''Man''': Move! :'''Miguel''': Hey, stop that! What are you doing?! Stop that! :'''Acolyte''': But, my lord, anyone who disobeys your orders must be punished, as your ordered. :'''Miguel''': It seems I've been giving a lot of orders, haven't I? :'''Acolyte''': Tzekel-Kan has made your commands clear, my lord. :'''Miguel''': Really? Here's an order. Take the day off. :'''Man''': Huh? :'''Miguel''': Are you all right? :''[the man pants]'' :'''Miguel''': Here. :''[the man hands the gold]'' :'''Miguel''': Oh, no! It's all right, please. ''[the man runs away by Miguel, then tripping on the wood, with instruments falling down, then Miguel plays the guitar]'' :'''Miguel''': Hey, Altivo. There you are. :''[the kids gasp, then playing the guitar, then the kids watch Miguel playing a guitar, then they chuckle, then the men watch Miguel playing a guitar, then the music begins "Without Question" by Elton John playing, then taking a guitar to the man, then walking away, looking at the fish, looking at the people, then the men spin around, then Miguel spins around, then the man takes a bowl to Miguel, then feeding the birds, then the flamingo eats the bird feed, then walking down on a turtle, then putting a domino on the floor, then knocking the dominoes down, revealing the sun, running away, looking at Altivo, with a brown ball passing at Miguel, then the kids play with a brown ball, looking at the children, throwing a brown ball up, then the children play with a ball, taking it to Miguel, then bouncing on the knee, and the butt, then they run down, then Tzekel-Kan and Acolyte watch Miguel and the children with a brown ball bouncing on his knee]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[looks at a book]'' Hmm. This is not what I expected. Perhaps Lord Tulio will enlighten me. ''[puts the book away, chuckling, licking on his tongue, smearing on the head]'' How do I look? :'''Acolyte''': Oh, uh... Well, you... :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Oh, shut up. <hr width=50%/> :''[Chel and Tulio kiss heavily off-screen.]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': My Lords? :''[Chel stops kissing Tulio and sits up in horror. Tulio comes up, and his hair and face are messed up.]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Hello? :'''Chel''': ''[pushes Tulio down]'' The High Priest! :'''Tulio''': Ow! :'''Chel''': ''[horrified gasp]'' What's he gonna think if he finds one of the Gods like this with ''me?!'' :'''Tulio''': ''[dazed]'' Uh, "Lucky God"? :'''Chel''': J-Just- just- just... ''[frustratedly fixes Tulio's hair]'' Ohh! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Hello? :''[Chel kicks Tulio toward Tzekel-Kan]'' :'''Tulio''': Whoa! Oh, Tzekel-Kan! What brings you here? :'''Tzekel-Kan''': I humbly request to have an audience with you, my lord. :'''Tulio''': Lord, yes. What can I do for you? :'''Tzekel-Kan''': My Lord, I have just seen Lord Miguel out among the people. :'''Tulio''': '''''Really?''''' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': If I may be so bold as to offer some advice? :''[Chel signals Tulio to cut Tzekel-Kan off]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[misreads Chel's signal]'' All right, shoot. :''[Chel facepalms and groans in frustration. Tzekel-Kan fails to notice this]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': My Lord, ''you'' are ''perfect.'' :'''Tulio''': Oh. Well, go on. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': But in your perfection, you cannot know how ''imperfect'' humans are. ''[begins to conjure menacing images]'' They're like ''snakes,'' they are, spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating, with no remorse. ''[takes a bite out of a conjured pear then spits it out]'' Spinning webs of lies, like ''spiders!'' ''[crushes a conjured spider in his hand]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[grossed out]'' Stop it! That's disgusting! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[makes all the conjured images vanish]'' They're '''''beyond''''' disgusting! :'''Tulio''': Yeah, yeah! ''Way'' beyond! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Then we're in agreement, I shall think the proper preparations. Now, do you wish to have your victims bound to altar, or would you prefer them free range? And will you devour their essence whole, or ''piece-by-piece?'' :'''Tulio''': ''[pauses]'' Tzekel, you've lost me. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': My Lord, these people will not respect if they do not ''fear'' you. :'''Tulio''': And, of course, we will ''make'' them fear us, by, uh-- :'''Tzekel-Kan''': By ''sacrifice!'' As it is prophesied, the history of the Age of the Jaguar will be written in-- :'''Tulio''': Ink? :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Blood! :'''Tulio''': Blood! Oh! Oh, yes. This is very important stuff. I should tell Lord Miguel about this blood ''issue'' right away. ''[to Chel]'' Come on, honey. Let's go. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[relieved]'' Finally, we're connecting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut back to Cortes and the guards, looking at the bird shape]'' :'''Cortes''': ''[to the guards]'' This way. :''[cut back to El Dorado, playing with the ball, running to Miguel]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[angrily whispers]'' '''''What''' do you '''think''' you're '''doing?''''' :'''Miguel''': ''[chuckles]'' Lying low. :'''Tulio''': ''[growls at Miguel]'' ''[whispers]'' Look, change of plans. We have to grab what we can carry, and get out of here now. :'''Miguel''': ''[whispers]'' What? Why? :'''Tulio''': ''[whispers]'' Because the High Priest is ''nuts.'' He wants... :'''Tzekel-Kan''': This is '''''UNACCEPTABLE!''''' :'''Tulio''': Yeah. Yeah. Like he said. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': The gods ''should not'' be playing ball like this! :'''Tulio''': Well, exactly! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': '''''THIS IS HOW THE GODS SHOULD PLAY BALL!''''' :''[they all cheer, then they hear a horn]'' :'''Miguel''': Well, don't blame me. :'''Tulio''': ''[to Miguel]'' I blame you. :''[they all cheer]'' :'''Tulio''': What is the object of this game, pray tell? :'''Chel''': You've gotta knock the ball through the hoop. :'''Tulio''': What hoop? :'''Chel''': That hoop. :''[they all look at the hoop]'' :'''Tulio''': That's impossible. We're gonna lose. :'''Chel''': Gods don't lose. :''[Tzekel-Kan snaps his fingers, then the men run up]'' :'''Men''': Heep-ha! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': My lords, Chief Tannabok's warriors are the finest ballplayers in the city. Fifteen mere mortals against two gods. :''[they both gulp]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': I realize it's a bit uneven... :'''Men''': Heep-ha! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ...but I do hope they'll challenge you enough to make the game interesting. PLAY BALL! :''[the crowd cheer, then Tzekel-Kan puts a brown ball on the ground]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Crush them into the dust. ''[chuckling]'' Enjoy. :'''Crowd''': ''[chanting]'' Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! :''[the men run up to Tulio and Miguel, kicking the brown ball, dodging the brown ball]'' :'''Chel''': D'oh. D'oh. :''[the men watch the brown ball bounce]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': My lords, were you supposed to put the ball into play? :'''Tulio''': Ohh! Well, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We were merely demonstrating the, um, traditional, uh, first avoidance maneuver. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Ah. I've never heard such a thing. :'''Miguel''': Excuse me. Who invented this game? :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Why the gods... ''[chuckling]'' ...of course. :'''Tulio''': I'm warning you, don't push your luck with this guy. :'''Miguel''': But, Tulio, we're the gods. ''[throws a brown ball at the men, then kicking the ball, knocking their butts, hitting the wall]'' :'''Chel''': Tulio! The hip! The hip! :''[Tulio knocks the ball, hitting the wall]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[panting]'' This is impossible. :''[the man kicks the brown ball in the hoop, then they cheer, blowing the horn, then they groan, putting the gold on]'' :'''Miguel''': Excuse me? :'''Men''': Heep... Haaa! :''[the man puts another gold on]'' :'''Men''': Heep-ha! Heep-ha! Heep-ha! Heep-ha! :''[the men run by Tulio and Miguel, then they both groan, then they play with a ball, showing the gold, making it nine, then the men grab the brown ball]'' :'''Chel''': '''FOUL!''' That was a foul! :''[the men grab the brown ball, bouncing by Chel]'' :'''Warrior''': ''[off-screen]'' New ball! :''[they both pant]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[exhausted]'' How long does this go on, anyway? :'''Chel''': The game is over when the shadow touches this line. :'''Miguel''': We need a miracle. :'''Tulio''': No, we need to ''cheat.'' ''[takes Bibo]'' :''[the men try to grab Bibo, rolling around Miguel, landing in the wheel]'' :'''Miguel and Tulio''': Yes! :''[the crowd cheer, then they hear a horn, then the men knock Bibo into the hoop]'' :'''Miguel and Tulio''': Huh? :''[the men kick Bibo, then Tulio kicks Bibo into the hoop, then Tzekel-Kan claps]'' :'''Chel''': Whoo-hoo-hoo! :''[Miguel kicks the Bibo in the hoop]'' :'''Miguel and Tulio''': Ole! :''[Tulio kicks Bibo into the hoop, then they kick their butts, kicking Bibo on the hoop, rolling around, bouncing back and forth]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Hmm. :''[the men stand up, showing the gold, because it's a tie]'' :'''Chel''': Yes! ''[laughing]'' :'''Miguel''': Who's the god? :'''Tulio''': You de god. ''[kicks Bibo]'' :'''Miguel''': No, you the god. :'''Tulio''': No, you de god. :'''Miguel''': Fine. ''[Bibo bounces in a ball bin, then Chel takes a brown ball to Tulio and Miguel]'' :'''Chel''': Yeah! Yeah! :''[Bibo coughs, then the brown ball bounces by Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo flies the brown ball to Tulio and Miguel, pounding the ball on his hands]'' :'''Chel''': Guys, it's here! It's right here with me! :''[the brown ball hits Tulio, then they gasp, hitting Miguel, kicking the ball in the hoop, then they gasp, then they all gasp, then Bibo chitters, then they look at the brown ball in the hoop, then Altivo taps the wall, letting the brown ball fall down, then they all cheer, then blowing a horn]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': I love this game! ''[laughing]'' :'''Miguel and Tulio''': Yes! :''[they knock their bodies]'' :'''Tulio''': Well done, partner. :'''Chel''': Yes! Yes! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': My lords, congratulations on your victory. And now, you will, of course, wish to have the losing team, sacrificed to your glory. :''[the men bow down, groaning]'' :'''Miguel''': Not again. Look, Tzekel-Kan... :'''Tulio''': Uh, Miguel? :'''Miguel''': ...forget the sacrifices. :'''Tulio''': Miguel. :'''Miguel''': We don't want any sacrifices. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': But all of the sacred writings say that will you devour the wicked and the unrighteous. :'''Miguel''': Well, I don't see anyone here who fits that description. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[scoffs]'' Well, as speaker for the gods, it would be my privilege to point them out. :'''Miguel''': The gods are speaking for themselves now! This city and these people have no need for you anymore! ''[pushes Tzekel-Kan]'' There will be no sacrifices! ''[stands the men up]'' Not now, not ever! :''[the crowd cheer]'' :'''Miguel''': ''[to Tzekel-Kan]'' Get out! :''[Tzekel-Kan gasps, then scoffs, then the crowd continue cheering, then Tzekel-Kan gasps, then the eyebrow puts blood inside]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Mmm. As the gods, command. :''[the men grab Miguel, then the men grab Tulio]'' :'''Miguel''': Hey, not bad for my first commandment, huh? :'''Tulio''': ''[laughing]'' Miguel, the little voice... ''[stammering]'' Yeah, fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Do you know why the gods '''''demand''' '' blood? :'''Acolyte''': I don't know. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[the knife cuts the hand as wipes the blood with a rockstone]'' Because "''Gods...'' ''''' don't...''''' ''''' bleed..."''''' ''[the blood goes back inside the hand]'' It's time to take the future into my own hands, and this city will be '''''cleansed.''''' Even if I have to do it myself. :'''Acolyte''': Uh, how? :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[grabs a book]'' There are dark magics here, and power, and... Ooh. My, my, my, my, my. ''[throws a book to Acolyte]'' It's not called the '''"Age of the Jaguar"''' for nothing. ''[looking at the men, building a boat]'' This'll be a delightful way to bid the '''''false''''' gods, good-bye. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the man uses an ax to chop a log, then they continue chopping a log to build a boat, chopping a stone, then Miguel looks at the stone]'' :'''Tulio''': Adios, muchacho! ''[holds a flower to Chel, then the birds fly away]'' :''[the man chops a hoof on Altivo, putting flowers on Altivo]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miguel''': Well, it's, um, uh, nice. :'''Chief''': Nice? :'''Miguel''': Yes, nice. But? Um, but, uh, is it really fit for the gods? :'''Chief''': My lord. :'''Miguel''': ''[chuckling]'' I have been around boats, believe me, and that, um, the pointy, tall, um, the long up and down thing. :'''Chief''': The mast? :'''Miguel''': The mast, yes, yes. The mast is good. Well, look at it. ''[stammering]'' There's not nearly enough, uh, um, rope. :'''Chief''': Rope? :'''Miguel''': Yes, rope. Exactly my point. Vertical ascension requires a lot more, uh, rope. :'''Chief''': My lord. ''[chuckling]'' :'''Miguel''': And look at this. ''[grunting, tapping on the bloat, clears his throat]'' This doesn't look at all secure. Chief, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but in all, it is a complete do-over. ''[continues looking down]'' :'''Chief''': Hmm. You know, Lord Miguel, if you wish to stay, you only need to say so. :'''Miguel''': You mean, forever? :'''Chief''': Of course. :'''Miguel''': ''[looks at a cave]'' Oh, no, I can't. I have to go back with Tulio. We're... We're partners. :'''Chief''': Big plans in the other world, huh? :'''Miguel''': Yep. Big plans. :'''Chief''': Well, then, I better go get some more rope, huh? :'''Miguel''': Oh, Chief, um, forget about the rope. Um, my mistake. :'''Chief''': Hey, to err is human. :''[Miguel looks at Chief, stepping in a boat, walking up the building]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tulio''': ''[off-screen]'' Half? :'''Chel''': Mm-hmm. :'''Tulio''': ''[laughing]'' I don't think so. I... I'll tell you what. Uh, I'll let you come back to Spain with us, like you wanted, and, um, yeah, I can see my way clear to throwing you, mmm, ten percent? :'''Chel''': ''[chuckling]'' You know, maybe I won't go to Spain with you and take a third. ''[grabs a plate]'' :'''Tulio''': Ohh! Like you don't wanna go to Spain. :'''Chel''': Oh, like you don't want me to want to go to Spain. :'''Tulio''': I want you to want... :'''Chel''': Mm-hmm? :'''Tulio''': ...what you want. :'''Chel''': Mm-hmm. Go on. :'''Tulio''': All right. Cards on the table. Uh, I want you to come to Spain with me and Miguel. Mostly me. Especially me. Only me. Forget Miguel. :'''Chel''': Well, as long as that's what you want. Me too. :'''Tulio''': Okay. Deal? :'''Chel''': ''[drops the plate]'' Deal. ''[kisses Tulio]'' :''[Altivo walks to Miguel, gasping]'' :'''Miguel''': "Forget Miguel"? ''[sniffling]'' Well, forget Tulio. ''[walks down by Altivo]'' :''[Altivo walks down by Miguel]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut back to Tzekel-Kan and Acolyte, humming, then Acolyte stirs it in a pot]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Well, is it ready yet? :''[Acolyte scoops the bowl, blowing it, then taking the umbrella, putting it in, then Tzekel-Kan takes the bowl, sniffing]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[throws the bowl away]'' It seems to be missing something. ''[opens a book]'' Ah, that's it. It needs more body. ''[kicks Acolyte into the water, flying backwards to a stone, laughing, transforming into a jaguar, taking the claws out, then the jaguar lands on the ground, breaking the stone]'' Do as I command! <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut to the kids]'' :'''Kid #1''': The Gods deserve a proper tribute. :'''Kid #2''': Stop! There will be no sacrifices! ''[audience laughs]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[chuckling, holding a bowl with a lemon]'' That kid does you better than you do. ''[sighs]'' Some send-off, huh? We're finally at the "go back to Spain and live like kings" part. ''[the children laugh, then Chel puts the kids down]'' Ooh-hoo-hoo. ''[drinking the bowl]'' :'''Miguel''': Well, isn't king kind of a step down from God? :'''Tulio''': ''[stops drinking and spits]'' What? Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa, Miguel. ''[chuckles]'' we can't stay here. We have a plan, remember? :'''Miguel''': ''[sarcastically smiling]'' How about... we ''forget'' the plan? ''Hmm?'' ''[Tulio is about to say "What?" but is interrupted as the animated jaguar statue roars and breaks out of the temple. After two seconds, Tulio and Miguel both screams in scared like girls]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[laughs evilly as the crowd screams in horror]'' Now everyone will know the truth of your..."divinity"! :''[the jaguar lands on the ground, with the people running away, screaming, then the men throw spears at the jaguar, then grabbing a man, flying up, dropping the man]'' :'''Man''': I'm okay! ''[the foot squishes the man then he roaring]'' I'm still okay! :'''Chel''': Come on! Get on! ''[they all get on Altivo, then the jaguar charges at Altivo, Tulio, Miguel, and Chel, then they screams]'' :'''Tulio''': Altivo, hyah! ''[the jaguar continues charging at Altivo, Tulio, Miguel, and Chel, breaking the wall, then they try to climb up, falling down on the jaguar, breaking the glass eye with a Altivo's hoof, then the jaguar knocks Tulio, Miguel, Chel, and Altivo]'' :'''Chel''': '''''TULIO!''''' :'''Tulio''': Hey, over here, you big Tzekel-Kan cat creep! ''[they throw rocks at the jaguar]'' Altivo, get Chel out of here. ''[Altivo carries Chel, roaring at Tulio and Miguel, then they jump down, then the jaguar lands on the ground, then they continue running away]'' Duck! ''[Tzekel-Kan roars, breaking the stones, then they run down, the the rocks form the fire in the lava, touching the rock]'' :'''Miguel''': Whoa! :''[they both gasp and yell, then the jaguar sinks in a lava]'' :'''Tulio''': Move! Move! :''[they both walk on the jaguar]'' :'''Tulio''': Jump! :''[they both lay down, then the jaguar appears, then they both yell, running away to Xibalba, then they both walk to the cliff, trying not to fall in the whirlpool]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': I know what you are. And I know what you are ''not.'' And you are ''not '''GODS!''''' :'''Tulio''': ''[to Miguel, after an awkward silence]'' Y-- You're not a God?! You ''lied'' to me? ''[he clears his throat, urging Miguel to play along, only to have Miguel glare back at him; gasps in surprise, then flings him towards Tzekel-Kan, still keeping up the act]'' How dare you?! :'''Miguel''': ''[reluctantly playing along]'' Hey, it was ''his'' stupid plan! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Tulio''': Whoa, whoa, oh. ''My'' plan was that we should lie ''low!'' But ''your'' plan was to run off and be all "Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm a ''God!"'' :'''Miguel''': [[Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie|That's not true!]] :'''Tulio''': No?! Who are you kidding?! You're buying your own con! :'''Miguel''': At least I'm not ''dating'' mine! :'''Tulio''': I-- Ooh, low blow. Listen, Mr. High-and-Mighty, we'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold if you had ''[smacks him in the back of the head]'' just listened to me! ''[Tzekel-Kan smirks in amusement]'' :'''Miguel''': Well, now you've got all the precious gold ''and'' Chel, so what do you need ''[smacks Tulio back]'' ''me'' for?! :'''Tulio''': Well, maybe I ''don't'' need you anymore! :'''Miguel''': Well, then why don't you just go back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll ''[shoves him]'' both get what we want?! :'''Tulio''': That's ''[shoves him back]'' fine with me, pal! :'''Miguel''': ''[smacks him]'' Fine with me too! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[still amused]'' Ooh. :'''Tulio''': ''[smacks Miguel back]'' Fine! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': Ouch! :'''Miguel''': ''[hits Tulio]'' Okay! ''[Tzekel-Kan laughs in amusement]'' :'''Miguel and Tulio''': '''''ALL RIGHT!''''' ''[both punch Tzekel-Kan, knocking him down]'' :'''Tulio''': Tie him up! ''[he and Miguel try to tie Tzekel-Kan, but suddenly, Tzekel-Kan roars at them.]'' What? Whoa. ''[The jaguar statue comes back alive, ready to eat Tulio and Miguel, they yell]'' '''''JUMP!''''' ''[They both jump down hanging on to their vines. The jaguar jumps right in front of Tzekel-Kan. Then the cliff starts to break away. Miguel and Tulio scream, and barely move away from the breaking cliff. Then, breaking completely, the cliff sends Tzekel-Kan and the jaguar into the whirlpool]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': '''''NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!''''' ''[Tzekel-Kan and the stone jaguar fall into the whirlpool. Tzekel-Kan swims around the whirlpool and goes straight towards the jungle. Moments later, Tzekel-Kan gets out of the water, then hears a sword clanging while Cortes and the guards appear]'' My lord. ''[Tzekel-Kan crawls on the water, then Cortes' gun touches the earring]'' :'''Cortes''': Where did you get this? ''[Cortes let us go of the earring as Tzekel-Kan smiles at Cortes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut back to Tulio and Miguel]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[chuckling]'' That was good, huh? :''[Miguel climbs up to the top, then the men cheer]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[climbs up]'' Hey, a little help, please? :'''Miguel''': Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! I've decided to stay. :'''Chief''': Oh, this is wonderful news. What a glorious day for El Dorado. Lord Miguel has decided to live among us! :'''Chel''': Tulio! Is everything okay? :''[they look at Miguel]'' :'''Tulio''': Everything is fine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[cut to El Dorado, then the music begins "Friends Never Say Goodbye" by Elton John playing, looking around, walking by Miguel, putting gold in the bag, looking at the map, ripping it, then Miguel looks at a name, saying, "Tulio", knocking the statue, then tying the bag, hitting Miguel, carrying a bag, the Miguel puts a hat on, wrapping a blanket around him, then Miguel continues walking away, then Miguel walks by Tulio, then Tulio walks down, then Miguel walks down, then walking to Chief, then they laugh, then Chief hugs Tulio, then Chief shakes his hand, then Tulio walks away, then Miguel looks at Chel, then Chel kisses Miguel, then Tulio claps his hands]'' :'''Man''': Take care. :'''Child''': We'll miss you! :'''Tulio''': Thank you. :''[Altivo nickers at Tulio, licking his fingers, then shaking it off, licking Tulio, then Chel pushes Tulio, then Chief and Miguel walk up, then Tulio dries his hair, then Chel walks away by Tulio, then Chel walks to a boat, then Miguel walks to Tulio]'' :'''Miguel''': Well, good luck. :'''Tulio''': Yeah. You too. ''[walks to Chel, then they climb up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miguel walks away by Altivo, then Altivo looks at Miguel walking away]'' :'''Miguel''': Whoa. Whoa, boy, what is it? ''[Altivo nickers, then they hear explosions, looking at Miguel along with Chel and Tulio]'' :'''Miguel''': '''''Cortes.''''' :''[the man rushes to the Chief who panics]'' :'''Chief''': My lord, what is it? :'''Man''': ''[panicked]'' Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! Approaching the city, is an army of strangers. :'''Chief''': We are safe here. They'll ''never'' find the gate to the city. :'''Man''': But, sire, they are being led by '''''Tzekel-Kan.''''' :'''Chief''': ''[shocked to Tzekel-Kan who is survived]'' '''''HE SURVIVED!''''' Warriors, prepare yourselves for battle! :''[the guards all shout and as the crowd starts in panic]'' :'''Miguel''': Chief, you ''cannot'' fight them! :'''Chief''': Then ''how'' can we stop them? :'''Miguel''': We can't. :'''Tulio''': ''[looks in the cave]'' Uh, one moment, please. ''[moves the gold away]'' :''[Bibo drinks]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[takes the necklace out]'' Okay, here's the gate. Here's the boat. :'''Chel''': Uh-huh. And? :'''Tulio''': Here's the gate. :'''Chel''': Okay. :'''Tulio''': Here's the boat. :'''Chel''': Got that. And? :'''Tulio''': Well, here's the "goat," and here's the "bate." :'''Chel''': Tulio! :''[Tulio his Bibo, who stops drinking his cup, spilling water out, knocking the necklace]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[gasping]'' That's it. We'll crash the boat into the pillars. :'''Chel''': That's it? I mean... But... ''[scoffs]'' What about the gold? :'''Tulio''': Well... ''[sobbing, in a whinny voice]'' Chief! ''[clears throat, in a normal voice]'' Chief. I've got a plan. :''[the men throw rope to the villagers]'' :'''Chief''': Hold the line steady! They're almost in place! :''[cut to Crotes and the guards, and Tzekel-Kan]'' :'''Cortes''': It better be there, for your sake. :''[Tulio rows a boat, then Chel shakes her head, looking at Miguel]'' :'''Tulio''': Okay, chief, on my signal! Ready! '''''HIT THE PILLARS!''''' :'''Chief''': '''NOW!''' :''[the man uses a log to push and break the whole rocks, then Tulio looks at the whole rocks breaking]'' :'''Tulio''': They're breaking too fast! :'''Chel''': Tulio, the sail! :'''Tulio''': ''[tires to pull the rope down]'' It's stuck! :''[the men try to pull a statue, breaking the ropes, then they both shout, then Chief gasps, grabbing the ropes]'' :'''Miguel''': They're not gonna make it. Altivo! ''[jumps on Altivo, running to the boat]'' :'''Tulio''': Are you crazy? :''[Miguel and Altivo jump on the boat in slow motion, then they continue pulling, then flying in slow motion, grabbing the sail]'' :'''Tulio''': Get off the boat, Miguel, or you'll never see the city again. :'''Miguel''': I know. ''[takes the hat off]'' You don't think I'm gonna let you have all the fun, do you? Come on. We've got a wave to catch. ''[grabs a paddle to Tulio, pointing to Chief]'' :''[they all release the statue, then Miguel yells, then Chel whimpers, then grabbing a lever]'' :'''Tulio''': Get out of the way! :'''Miguel''': Huh? :'''Chel''': Huh? :''[they duck, then Bibo runs on the gold]'' :'''Miguel''': Hold on! :''[they all go in the cave, breaking the sail, then knocking the gold on the walls]'' :'''Tulio''': We're gonna have to hit it '''''BROADSIDE!''''' :'''Miguel''': '''THAT'S YOUR PLAN?''' But the gold! :'''Tulio''': I know! :''[Chel gasps]'' :'''Tulio''': '''JUST TURN THE BOAT!''' :''[they all turn the boat]'' :'''Tulio''': On impact, '''''EVERYBODY JUMP!''''' :''[the boat stops on a wall, then they all jump out of the boat, then they splash in the water, with rocks falling in the water, with waterfall spitting out, then they all cough]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[panting]'' We made it. It worked. ''[chuckling]'' It worked. :'''Chel''': Wait. Get down! ''[grabs Tulio]'' There they are. ''[they all look at Cortes and Tzekel-Kan]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[gasping, looking at the rocks]'' No. :'''Cortes''': ''[walks to Tzekel-Kan]'' You lying heathen. There's nothing here at all. :'''Tzekel-Kan''': No. Wait. Wait. :'''Cortes''': ''[pushes Tzekel-Kan]'' Men, seize him! :'''Tzekel-Kan''': '''WHAT?''' ''[the men grab Tzekel-Kan]'' :'''Cortes''': There is no El Dorado here. Onward, men. ''[the guards continues takes Tzekel-Kan away, gasps, then Chel waves]'' :'''Tzekel-Kan''': ''[to guards]'' Wait! No, wait! ''[echoes]'' WAIT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[they all look at the guards taking Tzekel-Kan away, then Altivo blows, then they all laugh]'' :'''Chel''': Yes! :'''Miguel''': Now that was an adventure. :'''Tulio''': Yes. Yes, it was. And, um... ''[sobbing]'' ...it was so much gold! :''[Altivo looks at the gold on the hooves]'' :'''Tulio''': I'm fine. :'''Chel''': ''[to Tulio]'' Good. ''[kisses Tulio]'' Let's go. :''[Tulio sighs, then Miguel gets up]'' :'''Miguel''': ''[puts his hand out]'' Partner. ''[grabs Tulio's hand]'' :'''Tulio''': Partner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Chel''': Hey, guys. Come on! You don't want to stay here forever, do you? :'''Miguel''': But, uh, we don't have a map. :'''Tulio''': We don't have a ''plan.'' :'''Chel''': Well, that's what makes it interesting. ''[Altivo nods in agreement]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[getting the idea]'' You're right! :'''Miguel''': What are we waiting for? ''[Miguel and Tulio go on Altivo]'' :'''Chel''': Let's follow that trail! Hyah! ''[Miguel and Tulio fall off Altivo]'' Come on, boys! :'''Tulio''': ''[he and Miguel chase Chel and Altivo]'' Hey! Altivo! ''[Miguel pushes him]'' Augh! :'''Miguel''': Sit, boy! Sit! ''[the screen puts up "The End"]'' :'''Tulio''': ''[gets back up.]'' '''''Chel, we're not on the horse!''''' ''[they both run to get Altivo as Chel laughs; as the end credits begin, the armadillo chases some butterflies and grabs and eats one, ending the movie and continues the end credits]'' == About ''The Road to El Dorado'' == * The problem, obviously, was that the milieu that Jeffrey had chosen - no less than the near-annihilation of the Mezo-American peoples and the destruction of their culture - didn't really lend itself to a flat-out comedy, we thought. There had to be enough depth in these characters to allow us to do a story which would allow for some real drama - tragedy, even. : And the original story acknowledged the fundamental tragedy of the milieu - the city of El Dorado (which wasn't even the mythical El Dorado, it was just the first city Tulio and Miguel found, which they mistakenly believed was El Dorado) was not saved. The people ended up abandoning it to Cortes, and vanishing into the jungles - the people survived (barely), but the culture did not. This was also accurate to history - Cortes encountered a number of abandoned cities on his way to the capital of the Aztec empire, and was our answer to the question 'What happened to the Mayans'. :* Ted Elliot as quoted in [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/326.206950-The-Road-to-El-Dorado-Movie-Review "The Road to El Dorado (Movie Review)"] by Rebel Rising, ''The Escapist'', July 3, 2010. == Cast == * [[Kevin Kline]]—Tulio * [[w:Kenneth Branagh|Kenneth Branagh]]—Miguel * [[w:Rosie Perez|Rosie Perez]]—Chel * [[w:Armand Assante|Armand Assante]] - Tzekel-Kan * [[w:Edward James Olmos|Edward James Olmos]] - Chief Tannabok * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] - Hernan Cortes * [[Frank Welker]] - Altivo * [[w:Tobin Bell|Tobin Bell]] - Zaragoza * Duncan Marjoribanks - Acolyte * Elijah Chiang - Kid #1 * Cyrus Shaki-Khan - Kid #2 * [[Elton John]] - Narrator * [[Bob Bergen]] - Jaguar == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0138749|title=The Road to El Dorado}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Road to El Dorado, The}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:2005 films]] [[Category:2000 animated films]] [[Category:2000 American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films|Road to El Dorado, The]] [[Category:Films set in Mexico|Road to El Dorado, The]] [[Category:Films set in the 1510s]] [[Category:Films about treasure hunting]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:DreamWorks Animation]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 8v989yx015kxd0nneahisa6ktxkxxfz 0 72820 3944609 3382147 2026-05-23T21:50:51Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944609 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Andrew Lang.jpg|thumb|Andrew Lang in 1888]] '''[[w:Andrew Lang|Andrew Lang]]''' ([[March 31]] [[1844]] – [[July 20]] [[1912]]) was a Scottish poet, novelist, and literary critic, and contributor to [[anthropology]]. He now is best known as the collector of folk and fairy tales, including the works of [[Brothers Grimm]], [[Charles Perrault]] and [[Hans Christian Andersen]]. == Quotes == * They hear like ocean on a western beach<br>The surge and thunder of the Odyssey. ** Sonnet ''The Odyssey'' (1879), in Introduction to his translation (with [[w:Samuel Butcher (classicist)| S. H. Butcher]]) of Homer's ''Odyssey''. * If indeed there be a god in heaven. ** Andrew Lang (1879), with S. H. Butcher, prose translation of [[Homer]]'s ''Odyssey'', Book XVII, line 484. * Among the various forms of science which are reaching and affecting the new popular tradition, we have reckoned Anthropology. Pleasantly enough, [[Anthropology]] has herself but recently emerged from that limbo of the unrecognised in which Psychical Research is pining. ** Andrew Lang (1900) "[ Anthropology and Religion]", In: ''The Making of Religion'', (Chapter II), Longmans, Green, and C°, London, New York and Bombay, 1900, pp. 39–64. * Politicians use statistics in the same way that a drunk uses lamp-posts—for support rather than illumination. ** 1910 Speech, quoted in Alan L. Mackay ''The Harvest of a Quiet Eye'' (1977), as reported in ''Chambers Dictionary of Quotations'' (2005), p. 488. ** Variant: He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts—for support rather than illumination. ** Widely attributed to Lang (e.g. in Elizabeth M. Knowles, ''The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations'', Oxford University Press; and in Robert Andrews, ''The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations'', Columbia University Press). === ''Ballades in Blue China'' (1880) === <small>Source: ''Ballades in Blue China'' (1880), reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919).</small> * There’s a joy without canker or cark,<br>There’s a pleasure eternally new,<br>’T is to gloat on the glaze and the mark<br>Of china that’s ancient and blue. * Here’s a pot with a cot in a park<br>In a park where the peach-blossoms blew,<br>Where the lovers eloped in the dark,<br>Lived, died and were changed into two<br>Bright birds that eternally flew<br>Through the boughs of the may, as they sang;<br>’T is a tale was undoubtedly true<br>In the reign of the Emperor Hwang. === ''Ballade of Autumn'' === <small>Source: ''Ballade of Autumn'', reported in ''Bartlett's Familiar Quotations'', 10th ed. (1919).</small> *The windy lights of Autumn flare;<br>I watch the moonlit sails go by;<br>I marvel how men toil and fare,<br>The weary business that they play!<br>Their voyaging is vanity,<br>And fairy gold is all their gain,<br>And all the winds of winter cry,<br>“My Love returns no more again.” == Quotes about Lang == * Andrew Lang's marvelous ''Tales of Troy and Greece''...fired my imagination as a child, in an unforgettable way. ** [[Peter Green]], Preface to ''The Iliad: A New Translation'' (2015) *I loved the Andrew Lang books **[[Alice Hoffman]] [https://www.goodreads.com/interviews/show/43.Alice_Hoffman Interview] with Goodreads (2009) ==External links== {{commons}} {{wikisource author}} {{wikipedia}} * {{gutenberg author|id=Andrew_Lang|name=Andrew Lang}} * [http://www.archive.org/search.php?query=creator%3Aandrew%20lang%20AND%20mediatype%3Atexts Works by Andrew Lang] at [[w:Internet Archive|Internet Archive]] * [http://www.mythfolklore.net/andrewlang/ Andrew Lang Fairy Tale Books] * [http://www.maidofheaven.com/joanofarc_scots_monk1.asp A Monk of Fife Complete Book Online] * [http://publicliterature.org/books/custom_and_myth/xaa.php Custom and Myth] - full text HTML of original work. * Andrew Lang, [http://www.giffordlectures.org/Browse.asp?PubID=TPTMOR&Cover=TRUE The Making of Religion], Longmans, Green and Co., 1909. (1889-90 [[w:Gifford Lectures|Gifford Lectures]]) * Andrew Lang, [http://etext.library.adelaide.edu.au/l/lang/andrew/l26l/complete.html Letters to Dead Authors], transcribed from the 1886 Longman's edition. {{DEFAULTSORT:Lang, Andrew}} [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Historians from Scotland]] [[Category:Children's authors]] [[Category:Journalists from Scotland]] [[Category:Novelists from Scotland]] [[Category:Poets from Scotland]] [[Category:1844 births]] [[Category:1912 deaths]] [[Category:Literary critics]] [[Category:Victorian novelists]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] [[Category:Fellows of the British Academy]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] cowdztk3bjarc5dtr4w4zsetbxll7v3 0 77637 3944549 3944328 2026-05-23T17:47:33Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944549 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (2002 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an English-French-Chinese language American-Canadian-Quebecois-Chinese-Mandarin Chinese-Hong Kong Cantonese children's 2D [[w:Animated series|animated]] (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation)) [[w:Television comedy|television comedy]] series, aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school children, and from ages 5 to 8, based on the [[w:Berenstain Bears|children's book series of the same name]] by [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]], and produced, and co-produced by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]], and Agogo Entertainment. The series follows the lives of a family of [[w:Anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] [[bears]] who learn a moral or safety-related lesson during the course of each episode. It ran for forty episodes in three seasons. The series debuted on [[w:PBS Kids|PBS Kids]] in English, in the United States, in 2002, and [[w:Treehouse TV|Treehouse TV]], and [[w:CBC Television|CBC Television]], in English, in Canada, in 2002, and [[w:Vrak|Vrak.TV]], and [[w: Ici Radio-Canada Télé|Radio-Canada Télévision]], in French, in Canada, and Quebec, in 2002. And reruns continue on a limited number of PBS stations as of 2025. ==Seasons== ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|Season 3]] ==Voice cast== * [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]] as Brother Bear (Episodes 1-26) * Michael D'Ascenzo as Brother Bear (Episodes 27-40) * [[w:Tajja Isen|Tajja Isen]] as Sister Bear * [[w:Benedict Campbell|Ben Campbell]] as Papa Q. Bear * [[w:Camilla Scott|Camilla Scott]] as Mama Bear * Marc McMulkin as Cousin Freddy * Amanda Soha as Lizzie Bruin * Nikki Marshall as Queenie * [[w:Mark Rendall|Mark Rendall]] as Ferdy Factual * Gage Knox as Too-Tall * Patrick Salvagna as Smirk *Billy Rosemburg as Skuzz * [[w:Leslie Carlson|Leslie Carlson]] as Gramps * [[w:Corinne Conley|Corinne Conley]] as Gran * [[w:Ellen-Ray Hennessy|Ellen-Ray Hennessy]] as Miss Grizzle * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Squire Grizzly *[[w:Philip Williams|Philip Williams]] as Farmer Ben ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0364793|The Berenstain Bears}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (2002 TV series), The}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:YTV shows]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] 0famb8xlo6flj5w2sy39jbjynobam3a 3944553 3944549 2026-05-23T17:54:00Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944553 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|1]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|2]] [[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|3]] | [[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (2002 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears]]''''' is an English-French-Chinese language American-Canadian-Quebecois-Chinese-Mandarin Chinese-Hong Kong Cantonese children's 2D [[w:Animated series|animated]] (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation)) [[w:Television comedy|television comedy]] series, aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school children, and from ages 5 to 8, based on the [[w:Berenstain Bears|children's book series of the same name]] by [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]], and produced, and co-produced by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]], and Agogo Entertainment. The series follows the lives of a family of [[w:Anthropomorphic|anthropomorphic]] [[bears]] who learn a related lesson during the course of each episode. It ran for forty episodes in three seasons. The series debuted on [[w:PBS Kids|PBS Kids]] in English, in the United States, in 2002, and [[w:Treehouse TV|Treehouse TV]], and [[w:CBC Television|CBC Television]], in English, in Canada, in 2002, and [[w:Vrak|Vrak.TV]], and [[w: Ici Radio-Canada Télé|Radio-Canada Télévision]], in French, in Canada, and Quebec, in 2002. And reruns continue on a limited number of PBS stations as of 2025. ==Seasons== ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[The Berenstain Bears (2003) (season 3)|Season 3]] ==Voice cast== * [[w:Michael Cera|Michael Cera]] as Brother Bear (Episodes 1-26) * Michael D'Ascenzo as Brother Bear (Episodes 27-40) * [[w:Tajja Isen|Tajja Isen]] as Sister Bear * [[w:Benedict Campbell|Ben Campbell]] as Papa Q. Bear * [[w:Camilla Scott|Camilla Scott]] as Mama Bear * Marc McMulkin as Cousin Freddy * Amanda Soha as Lizzie Bruin * Nikki Marshall as Queenie * [[w:Mark Rendall|Mark Rendall]] as Ferdy Factual * Gage Knox as Too-Tall * Patrick Salvagna as Smirk *Billy Rosemburg as Skuzz * [[w:Leslie Carlson|Leslie Carlson]] as Gramps * [[w:Corinne Conley|Corinne Conley]] as Gran * [[w:Ellen-Ray Hennessy|Ellen-Ray Hennessy]] as Miss Grizzle * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Squire Grizzly *[[w:Philip Williams|Philip Williams]] as Farmer Ben ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0364793|The Berenstain Bears}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (2002 TV series), The}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:YTV shows]] [[Category:Teletoon Retro shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] 464ipf2bbltnpuurwc8bi9tq8ss7rnd 0 81116 3944812 3937096 2026-05-24T11:22:53Z ~2026-29741-45 3323469 3944812 wikitext text/x-wiki The [[last words]] of various characters in [[w:The Walt Disney Company|Disney]] animated films. == Quotes == ===Disney Animated Canon=== * [The Old Hag: Don't let the wish grow cold.] ''[bites into the poisoned apple, which causes her to begin falling under a sleeping spell as the Old Hag looks on deviously]'' '''Oh, I feel strange.''' ''[gasps]'' [The Old Hag: ''[quietly]'' Her breath will still.] '''Oh...''' [The Old Hag: Her blood congeal.] '''Oh...''' ''[gasps one more time, then collapses to the floor, dropping the bitten poisoned apple in the process]'' [The Old Hag: ''[cackles evilly as thunderclap is heard]'' Now I'll be fairest in the land! ''[cackles evilly]'' ** Who: Snow White ** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937) ** Note: After taking a bite from the poisoned apple she received from the old hag, she collapses to the ground unconsciously, succumbing to its "Sleeping Death". She is revived after the prince gives her a "true love's first kiss". * ''[gasping]'' '''I'm trapped. What will I do? The meddling little fools.''' ''[As the Seven Dwarfs continue to pursue her, she grabs a stick and began using it to push a boulder]'' ''[panting]'' '''I'll fix ya... I'll crush ya... I'LL FIX YA! I'LL CRUSH YOUR BONES!''' [Grumpy: ''[alarmed]'' LOOK OUT!] ** Who: The Old Hag (Queen Grimhilde) ** Source: ''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937) ** Note: The villain says this line after being chased up to the top of a cliff by the dwarfs, before trying to push a boulder down the cliff to kill them. However, before she can do this, lightning strikes the ridge she is standing by, the cliff breaks apart, and she falls, ending up being crushed by the boulder intended for the dwarfs. Seeing the old hag's remains, the vultures then fly down. * ''[suspicious and horrified]'' '''Oh. Huh? What the-? What's goin' on?!''' ''[looks in the mirror and sees that he is turning into a donkey and screams in terror]'' '''AAAAAAAAH!!! I've been double-crossed! Help, help! SOMEBODY, HELP! I've been framed! HELP! Please, you've got to help me! Oh, be a pal! Call that beetle, call anybody!''' ''[his hands morph into hooves; Pinocchio gasps]'' '''Mama?!''' ''[loudly]'' '''MAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAA--!!!!''' ''[braying like a donkey]'' ** Who: Lampwick ** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940) ** Note: Said after unknowingly being cursed, he realizes that he is transforming into a donkey as the curse starts to take effect. Shortly after he says this, his transformation is complete. He loses his ability to talk after being forced down onto all fours, leaving him still alive, though a deleted scene shows Lampwick still able to talk and warns Pinocchio to get out while he still can. * '''Hang on, Father!''' [Geppetto: Save yourself.] ** Who: Pinocchio ** Source: ''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940) ** Note: Said this before being killed by a giant wave, trying to save his father Geppetto, but is later revived as a real boy by the Blue Fairy. * '''Bambi, quickly, the thicket! Faster! Faster, Bambi! Don't look back! Keep running! Keep running!''' ** Who: Bambi's mother ** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942) ** Note: Said to her son as she realizes that a hunter (known as "Man") is coming for them. She is then shot and killed by one off-screen. * '''Listen. He's coming.''' [Unnamed pheasant 2: Hush.] [Unnamed pheasant 3: Be quiet.] '''He's coming closer.''' [Unnamed pheasant 3: Be calm, don't get excited.] '''We better fly.''' [Unnamed pheasant 2: No, no, don't fly. Whatever you do, don't fly.] '''He's almost here! I CAN'T STAND IT ANY LONGER!''' ** Who: Unnamed pheasant 1 ** Source: ''[[Bambi]]'' (1942) ** Note: She says this to the other pheasants, trying to warn them a hunter is coming for them. She is then shot and killed by one offscreen while flying in panic; her body drops to the ground. * '''♪ ''Ohh, a pirate's life is a wonderful life''''' * '''''You'll find adventure and sport''''' * '''''But live every minute for all that is in it''''' * '''''The life of a pirate is sho-o-o-o-o-ort!''''' * '''''Oh, the li-i-i-'' ♪''' ** Who: Skylights ** Source: ''[[Peter Pan (1953 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1953) ** Note: Captain Hook shoots him with his pistol in annoyance. * '''No! It CANNOT BE!''' ''[magically transports herself and appears in front of Prince Phillip]'' '''Now, shall you deal with ''me'', O Prince, and all the powers of HELL!''' ''[She transforms into her gigantic dragon form, laughing evilly as Prince Phillip and the Three Good Fairies look on in horror]'' ** Who: Maleficent ** Source: ''[[Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1959) ** Note: Maleficent transforms into a black dragon after saying this. She is killed after Prince Phillip throws his sword into her heart. * '''Please, Master! Not go into evil cauldron.''' [Taran: If I don't, we're all lost. Out of my way!] '''No. Gurgi not let his friend die. Taran has many friends. Gurgi has no friends.''' [Taran: Gurgi, no. Don't jump. Wait! ''[Gurgi jumps into the Black Cauldron]'' NO! NOOOOO!!!] ** Who: Gurgi ** Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985) ** Note: Said this to Taran before he sacrifices his life by jumping into the Cauldron to buy his masters time to escape the castle. He is later revived by the ugly witches in exchange for the destroyed Cauldron once The Horned King is defeated. *'''No! You'll not have me! My power cannot die! CURSE YOU! NO! NO!''' ''[screaming]'' **Who: The Horned King **Source: ''[[The Black Cauldron (film)|The Black Cauldron]]'' (1985) **Note: The Horned King grabbed Taran and tried to throw him into the Black Cauldron, but the Cauldron pulled the Horned King in instead and dissolved him. * '''''♪ Oh, Ratigan, oh, Ratigan, you're at the top and that's that... ♪'' Oh dear. ''♪ To Ratigan, to Ratigan, to Ratigan... the world's greatest- ♪''''' ** Who: Bartholomew the Mouse ** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986) ** Note: Bartholomew falls into some alcohol and emerges very drunk and calls his boss "the world's greatest rat". Since Professor Ratigan hates being called a "rat" and prefers the term of "a big mouse", he angrily asks, "What was that? What did you call me?" and sentences Bartholomew to death at the hands of his pet cat named Felicia, who eats him up while he's still drunkenly singing of Professor Ratigan's glory, unaware of what is about to happen despite Professor Ratigan telling him. * '''No! Not me! Wait, I can't fly! I can't fly!''' ** Who: Fidget ** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986) ** Note: Professor Ratigan and Fidget are attempting to make their escape in a small pedal-powered airship with Olivia Flaversham as hostage. Fidget grows tired of pedaling and suggests lightening the load, gesturing towards Olivia. Professor Ratigan comments, "Oh, you want to lighten the load? Excellent idea!" and throws Fidget out of the basket. He shouts these last words as he pitifully flutters and finally falls towards the Thames River. A ''Disney Adventures'' comic reveals that he survived the fall and has reformed and become Olivia's sidekick. * '''I've won!''' ''[laughs evilly]'' [Basil: ''[appears]'' On the contrary, the game's not over yet!] ** Who: Professor Ratigan ** Source: ''[[The Great Mouse Detective]]'' (1986) ** Note: Said after knocking Basil off Big Ben, thinking he's finally killed his arch-nemesis. Basil reveals himself to be alive after saying, "On the contrary, the game's not over yet!", rings a bell, and the clock strikes midnight; the vibration from its loud bell knocks Professor Ratigan off balance, causing him to plummet to his death. * ''[chuckles evilly]'' '''This has all been very entertaining. But the party is over.''' ''[almost snaps his fingers, but a bike horn is heard]'' [Fagin: Whoa! Come on, come on! Let's go!] '''''FAGIN!''''' ** Who: Bill Sykes ** Source: ''[[Oliver & Company]]'' (1988) ** Note: Fagin, previously in debt to Bill Sykes, has rescued Jenny from being held for ransom to get money from him. An enraged Bill Sykes pursues him to give Jenny back, Jenny, Oliver, and Dodger's gang across a railway, only to eventually be killed when he collides with a train. * '''This way.''' ** Who: Flotsam and Jetsam ** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989) ** Note: Accidentally blasted by a ray from King Triton's trident and destroyed by Ursula, who tried to kill Eric, but Ariel saved him just in time. * ''[laughs evilly]'' '''SO MUCH FOR "TRUE LOVE"!''' ** Who: Ursula ** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid]]'' (1989) ** Note: Ursula has been referring to the romance of Ariel and Prince Eric, which she thought she had broken up. However, she may be referring to Triton's sacrifice for Ariel and how she is going to kill her anyway. She is then stabbed by the bow of a ship sailed by Eric immediately after saying this line, and consequently, Triton and all the merpeople, whom she transformed into polyps, revert to their original forms. * '''I whooped ya! I whooped ya all! You'll think twice before messin' with Percival C. McLeach!''' ''[sees Joanna waving to him and goes uncontrollably over the falls]'' '''No! AAAAAAHHHH! ''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!''''' ** Who: Percival C. McLeach ** Source: ''[[The Rescuers Down Under]]'' (1990) ** Note: After scaring off a group of crocodiles closing in on him, McLeach goes over the waterfall, and plummets to his death. * '''It's over, Beast! BELLE IS MINE!''' ''[The Beast knocks down Gaston, then grabs him and takes him to the cliff]'' '''Let me go! Let me go! Please, don't hurt me! I'll do anything! ''ANYTHING!''''' [The Beast: Get out.] ** Who: Gaston ** Source: ''[[Beauty and the Beast (1991 film)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1991) ** Note: Said this to convince the Beast to spare him after realizing that he cannot win, who soon sternly replies to him, "Get out." After the Beast reunites with Belle, however, Gaston stabs the Beast, but as a result of doing so, falls off the balcony to his death, judging by the fact that the animators added skulls to his pupils, signifying his death. Gaston was meant to survive the fall, though he gets eaten by a pack of wolves in a deleted scene. * [Cave of Wonders: Who disturbs my slumber?] ''[gasps]'' '''It is I, Gazeem, the humble thief.''' [Cave of Wonders: Know this. Only one may enter here, one whose worth lies far within the diamond in the rough.] [Jafar: What are you waiting for? Go on!] ** Who: Gazeem ** Source: ''[[Aladdin]]'' (1992) ** Note: Said this before getting swallowed by the Cave of Wonders, leaving Jafar and Iago behind. * '''I've never been so insulted!''' [Sultan: ''[to Prince Achmed]'' Oh, Prince Achmed, you're not leaving so soon, are you?] '''Good luck marrying her off!''' ** Who: Prince Achmed ** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992) ** Note: Prince Achmed has missing the rear end of tearing underwear. * '''Huh? What is it?''' ''[Abu picks up what he can carry, and the trio run off]'' '''Come back here, you little thieves!''' ** Who: Farouk ** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992) ** Note: Aladdin and Jasmine runs into the street. * '''Well, I would, princess, but my orders come from Jafar. You will have to take it up with him.''' ** Who: Razoul ** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992) ** Note: The guards grab Aladdin out and walk past. * '''Shut up!''' ** Who: Jafar ** Source: ''[[Aladdin (1992 Disney film)|Aladdin]]'' (1992) ** Note: Genie flicks the lamp explosion disappear into the desert. * '''Ohhh, my friends.''' [Shenzi: "Friends"? ''[chuckles evilly]'' I thought he said we were the enemy.] [Banzai: Yeah, that's what I heard.] [Shenzi and Banzai: Ed?] ''[Ed chuckles deviously and slurps his lips, as the many other hyenas approached Scar, laughing together]'' '''No, let-- No, let-- Let me explain! No, you don't understand! No, I didn't mean it! NO, NO! NO, I DIDN'T... I WAS MEANT- I... NO, NO!''' ** Who: Scar ** Source: ''[[The Lion King]]'' (1994) ** Note: Scar had previously blamed his hyena minions for Mufasa's death in an attempt to gain mercy from Simba, not knowing that they had been listening. After being defeated by Simba, and thrown off into the embers below, he is surrounded and torn to shreds by his former minions. * '''Untie me at once? I'll have your heads for this ?''' ** Who: Governor Ratcliffe ** Source: ''[[Pocahontas]]'' (1995) ** Note: Governor Ratcliffe went to find her, but arrest him and Thomas boat fall into the water. * '''Judge Claude Frollo!''' ** Who: Quasimodo's father ** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996) ** Note: ? * ''[pounding on the door]'' '''Sanctuary! Please give us sanctuary!''' ** Who: Quasimodo's mother ** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996) ** Note: Said before being murdered by Frollo on the steps of Notre Dame; previously, when baby Quasimodo was crying, she said "Hush, little one." * '''"And [[w:God in Christianity|he]] shall smite the wicked, and ''plunge'' them into [[w:Hell|the fiery pit]]!"''' ** Who: [[w:Claude Frollo|Claude Frollo]] ** Source: ''[[The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996 film)|The Hunchback of Notre Dame]]'' (1996) ** Note: Ironically quoted the Bible seconds before he plunges to his death into a lake of molten lead, weighed down by a gargoyle, which appeared to roar in his face shortly before breaking off with him clinging to the underside. * '''ME BITE OFF ''HEAD!''''' ''[laughs evilly]'' ** Who: Cyclops ** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997) ** Note: When about to kill a powerless Hercules, he is blinded with burning wood by the hero, who then trips him by wrapping a rope around his ankles. He tumbles over a cliff to his death. * '''Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! I don't feel so good. I feel a little flushed!''' ** Who: Hades ** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997) * [Zeus: ''Hah!'' ''[to Hercules]'' Now watch your old man work!] '''Uh oh.''' ** Who: Lythos (Rock Titan) ** Source: ''[[Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]'' (1997) ** Note: Heads blown off by Zeus's thunderbolts. * '''It looks like you're out of ideas.''' ['''Mulan''': ''[takes his sword from him]'' Not quite. Ready, Mushu?!] ** Who: Shan-Yu ** Source: ''[[Mulan]]'' (1998) ** Note: The villain says this line after chasing Mulan up to the top of the palace roof. But Mulan uses her fan to take the sword from him and replies, "Not quite." And uses it to pin his coat to the roof, leaving him unable to get out of the way of a big fireworks rocket ignited by Mushu. Shan-Yu is then launched by the fireworks supply, blowing him up. * '''Go ahead, shoot me.''' ''[chuckles evilly]'' '''Be a man.''' ** Who: Clayton ** Source: ''[[Tarzan (1999 film)|Tarzan]]'' (1999) ** Note: Clayton, facing Tarzan, said this when he was holding his rifle to his head. Tarzan refuses, imitates a gunshot, then replies, "Not a man like '''''you!'''''" in which he smashes the rifle. Then Clayton attacks in a rage with a machete. In his rage, he slices through several vines, one of which wraps around his neck and suspends him, ending in him hanging himself when the vine snaps his neck. * '''Bruton, we've been walking in circles. There's no water here. I think we should get back.''' ** Who: Iguanodon scout ** Source: ''[[Dinosaur (film)|Dinosaur]]'' (2000) ** Note: While looking for water, Bruton and the scout are ambushed by two Carnotaurs, and the scout is killed. * '''I'll hold them off! You help the others!''' ** Who: Bruton ** Source: ''[[Dinosaur (film)|Dinosaur]]'' (2000) ** Note: Bruton battles the two Carnotaurs and buries them by causing a rockslide, but dies after being crushed himself. * '''Ha Ha. I win.''' ** Who: Yzma ** Source: ''[[The Emperor's New Groove (film)|The Emperor's New Groove]]'' (2000) ** Note: Yzma is cornered and killed by a potion. * '''Kida! Just leave it! There's no time!''' ** Who: Queen Kashem Nedakh ** Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001) ** Note: A hypnotic blue light and lifted up into the Heart of Atlantis. * '''Return the Crystal. Save Atlantis. Save my daughter.''' ** Who: King Kashekim Nedakh ** Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001) ** Note: Said to Milo as the character dies from internal bleeding after being punched by Rourke and confers on him the task of retrieving Kida and saving Atlantis. Nedakh was very old and frail, which is why he was mortally wounded when Rourke punched him. * ''[weakly]'' '''Nothing personal.''' ** Who: Helga Sinclair ** Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001) **Note: Helga, having been thrown from a hot-air balloon by Rourke, who uttered the same words while doing so, fires a gun at the balloon as she lies on the ground, causing it to descend. Although her death is never confirmed on-screen, the place is flooded by lava a little later, so it is highly likely that she died. * '''Tired, Mr. Thatch?! Hyah! Ah, that's a ''darn shame'', 'Cause I'm JUST GETTING ''WARMED UP!''''' ** Who: Lyle Tiberius Rourke ** Source: ''[[Atlantis: The Lost Empire]]'' (2001) ** Note: Rourke, facing Milo Thatch aboard a hot-air balloon, is about to strike but is cut by a shard of glass from Kida's container, crystallizing his body. He is still alive after the crystallization, however, but is killed soon after when his body is chopped up by the balloon's propeller. * '''He'll be comin' soon. Can't let them find this!''' [Jim Hawkins: Who's coming?] '''The cyborg! Beware the cyborg.''' ** Who: Billy Bones ** Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002) ** Note: Spoken to Jim about Long John Silver, after being mortally wounded when his spaceship crashed. * '''Aye, Captain. You heard her, men! Unfurl those sails!''' ** Who: Mr. Arrow ** Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002) ** Note: Mr. Arrow says this line while on board a spaceship, but is killed when he is sucked overboard into a black hole when Scroop cuts his lifeline. * '''Oh yes. Do say hello to Mr. Arrow.''' [Jim: Tell him yourself!] ** Who: Scroop ** Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002) ** Note: Scroop killed Mr. Arrow earlier by cutting his lifeline and sending him down a black hole. At that moment, he is about to kill Jim Hawkins similarly, but after saying, "Tell him yourself!", he manages to escape and push Scroop aside. He ends up stuck in the ship's flag, and floats out into space with a scream, never to be seen again. * '''Poor boy.''' ** Who: Mr. Turnbuckle ** Source: ''[[Treasure Planet]]'' (2002) ** Note: Mr. Turnbuckle before his Booby trap. * '''What?''' ** Who: Sitka ** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003) ** Note: Said before he ends up in a battle with a bear but ends up sacrificing himself to save his brothers. * '''Koda?''' ** Who: Koda's mother ** Source: ''[[Brother Bear]]'' (2003) ** Note: Said before she got killed by Kenai. * [Sci-fi version of Chicken Little: Runt! Are you alright?!] '''No. You gotta go on without me, Commander. Just save me some ammo, a little water, some chips if you have them.''' [Runt: ''[whispers to Fish]'' This is amazingly accurate. ** Who: Sci-fi version of Runt of the Litter ** Source: ''[[Chicken Little (2005 film)|Chicken Little]]'' (2005) ** Note: A character in an over-the-top sci-fi version of Chicken Little's encounter with the aliens. Apparently shot down by an alien ship and says this over a ship intercom before dying. * '''Doris...? I thought she was my friend.''' ** Who: Bowler Hat Guy ** Source: ''[[Meet the Robinsons]]'' (2007) ** Note: Said after Doris is erased from the timeline. * '''No! ''NO!'' Aah! How am I every gonna pay back my debt?!''' ''[sees The Shadows; scared]'' '''Friends!''' ['''The Shadows:''' '''''♪ ARE YOU READY?! ♪'''''] '''No! I'm not ready at all! In fact, I've got lots more plans!''' ['''The Shadows:''' '''''♪ ARE YOU READY?! ♪'''''] '''This is just a minor setback in a major operation! ''AAAH!'' Soon as I whip up another spell, we'll be back in business! I still got that froggy prince locked away! I just need a little more time! No, no, please, no--! ''AAAAAAAH!'' Just a little more time! I promise I'll pay y'all back! ''I PROMISE! AAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!''''' ** Who: Dr. Facilier ** Source: ''[[The Princess and the Frog]]'' (2009) ** Note: Spoken when Dr. Facilier tries to plead with the Shadows when Tiana breaks his voodoo talisman. Having lost the leverage that he needed to collect souls for them, he is unable to pay back his debt to them, and as punishment, they drag him to "[[w:Hell|The Other Side]]". * ['''Rapunzel:''' Eugene, wha--?] '''NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! What have you done?! ''WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! NO!''''' ''[sees her true self in the broken mirror]'' '''NO! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no--!''' ** Who: Mother Gothel ** Source: ''[[Tangled]]'' (2010) **Note: After Flynn Rider cuts Rapunzel's hair, its magical effects wear off and Mother Gothel's true age catches up with her. As she panics, she gets tripped over Rapunzel's hair by Pascal the Chameleon, and falls out of the tower to her death, aging into dust before she hits the ground. * '''Hoo-hoo-hoo! You fools! Why are you going into the li--?''' ''[his eyes turn blue]'' '''Ohh... Ohh... No! No! Hoo-hoo! No! Yes! No-- Yes! Yeah! No! Hoo-hoo! Go into the light.''AAAAHHHH!!!!''''' ** Who: King Candy ** Source: ''[[Wreck-It Ralph]]'' (2012) ** Note: As King Candy had been transform into a bug partially Cy-Bug-based form, the Cy-Bug side of him was attracted towards a Mentos-Diet Cola coca cola soda pop eruption and started to destroy the other Cy-Bugs. As his King Candy side tries to resist the pull towards the eruption bottle zap light he is ultimately dragged into it and vaporized; because video game characters who die outside their games never regenerate, he is gone for good. * ''[notices Hans ready to kill Elsa with his sword]'' '''Elsa?''' ''[choosing between saving Elsa and being kissed by Kristoff, she chooses to save Elsa]'' '''''NO!!!!''''' ''[her entire body freezes into ice, which shatters Hans' sword and she makes one last breath]'' ** Who: Anna ** Source: ''[[Frozen (2013 film)|Frozen]]'' (2013) ** Note: Says this before sacrificing herself to save Elsa from being killed by Hans, freezing into solid ice from the inside out, and shattering his sword. However, she unfreezes due to constituting an "act of true love" and it helps Elsa bring back summer by unfreezing Arendelle. * [Hiro: '''''TADASHI, NO!!!!'''''] '''Callaghan's in there. Someone has to help.''' ** Who: Tadashi Hamada ** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6 (film)|Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) ** Note: Says this to Hiro before he tries to save Professor Callaghan from a fire at the Expo hall. He was killed in the ensuing explosion from the fire. * '''There is still a way I can get you both to safety. I cannot deactivate until you say you are satisfied with your care.''' [Hiro: No, no, no, wait. What about you?] '''You are my patient.''' [Hiro: Baymax, I...] '''Your health is my only concern.''' [Hiro: Stop! I'm gonna figure out...] '''Are you satisfied with your care?''' [Hiro: No! There's gotta be another way! I'm not gonna leave you here! I'll think of something!] '''There is no time. Are you satisfied with your care?''' [Hiro: Please, no! I can't lose you too!] '''Hiro, I will always be with you.''' [Hiro: I'm satisfied with my care.] ** Who: Baymax ** Source: ''[[Big Hero 6 (film)|Big Hero 6]]'' (2014) ** Note: Says this to Hiro after he got smashed by one of the building parts on their way out of the portal to rescue Callaghan's daughter, Abigail. After that accident, he is forced to stay in the portal by telling Hiro to say that he is satisfied with his care, even if it means dying in the process. Hiro was worried about losing Baymax like he did with Tadashi after the explosion. However, in the pilot of the series and the epilogue of the movie, he is rebuilt by Hiro using his healthcare chip. * '''Go.''' [Moana: Gramma?] '''Go.''' [Moana: Not now. I can't.] '''You must, the ocean chose you. Follow the fishhook,''' [Moana: Gramma...] '''and when you find Maui, you grab him by the ear, and say "I am Moana of Motunui. You will board my boat, sail across the sea, and restore the heart of Te Fiti."''' [Moana: I can't leave you.] '''There is nowhere you could go where I won't be with you.''' ''[long pauses down]'' '''Go!''' * '''You're a long ways past the reef.''' [Moana: Gramma?] '''Guess I chose the right tattoo.''' [Moana: Gramma! I tried, Gramma, I couldn't do it.] '''It's not your fault. I never should've put so much on your shoulders. If you’re ready to go home, I will be with you.''' ''[long pauses out]'' '''Why do you hesitate?''' [Moana: I don't know.] ** Who: Gramma Tala ** Source: ''[[Moana (2016 film)|Moana]]'' (2016) ** Note: Says this to Moana before dying of old age. She tells her to leave Motunui, find Maui, and deliver him across the sea to restore the heart of Te Fiti. Later on, when that backfires, she returns to her as a stingray and turns into a phantom to comfort her. After Moana hesitates to return home, she sings [[w:I am Moana (Song of the Ancestors)|an inspirational song]] to encourage her to do it on her own. After that, she disappears, never to be seen as a stingray until the very end of the film. * '''Antohallan has to be the source of her magic.''' * '''We must keep going for Elsa.''' * '''The waves are too high!''' * '''Iduna!''' * '''Agnarr!''' ** Who: King Agnarr and Queen Iduna ** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019) ** Note: Shown through an ice sculpture memory created by Elsa that they were submerged along with their ship. * ''[notices King Runeard getting ready to kill his soldier with his sword]'' '''''NO!!!!''''' ''[sends Anna a message before freezing into ice]'' '''Anna...!''' ** Who: Elsa ** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019) ** Note: Says this before freezing to ice upon venturing into the deepest part of Ahtohallan and learning the dark truth of King Runeard. She is later revived once the dam is destroyed. * '''What's this?''' [Anna: Are you okay?] '''I'm flurrying? Wait, no. That's...that's not it. I'm flurrying away. The magic in me is fading.''' [Anna: ''[gasps]'' What?] '''I don't think Elsa's okay.''' ''[Anna gasps]'' '''I think...she may have gone too far.''' [Anna: No, no.] '''Anna, I'm sorry. You're gonna have to do this next part on your own. Okay?''' [Anna: Wait. Come here. I've got you.] ''[weakly]'' '''That's good. Hey, Anna? I just thought of one thing that's permanent.''' [Anna: What's that?] '''Love.''' [Anna: Warm hugs?] '''I like warm hugs.''' [Anna: I love you.] ** Who: Olaf ** Source: ''[[Frozen II]]'' (2019) ** Note: With Elsa frozen into ice, snowflakes of Olaf come off of him and he begins to desintegrate. Olaf tells Anna that she has to tell everyone that King Runeard is a fraud and destroy the dam on her own. Last thing he said to Anna was remembering that love is permanent. After that, the magic of him gets out of the cave and it goes to the mountain where the magic of him turns to snow dust, killing him in the process. He is later revived by Elsa once the curse upon the forest is lifted. * [Raya: Stand up! I'll help...] '''Raya, you have to listen, you are the Guardian of the Dragon Gem.''' [Raya: Ba, why are you saying this?] '''There's still light in this. There's still hope.''' [Raya: No! We can make it together.] '''Raya. Don't give up on them. I love you, my dewdrop.''' [Raya: Ba? ''[he pushes Raya off the bridge to save her from The Druun]'' NO!!! ''[he then turns into stone]'' ''BA!!!''] ** Who: Chief Benja ** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021) ** Note: When Raya gets tricked by Namaari into taking her to the temple where The Legend of Sisu Dragon Gem is, the rest of the Five Lands fight over it. When Chief Benja tries to make peace with them, he is shot in the leg by an arrow and the Dragon Gem gets shattered into five pieces, thus awakening the Druun. Everyone tries to escape, but are turned into stone. Raya tries to escape with her father, but when he realizes that they can't make it, he sacrifices himself to save her by pushing her off the bridge and turning into stone. Six years later, he is revived by the Dragon Gem power after the Druun are defeated. * '''I trust you, Namaari.''' ** Who: Sisu ** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021) ** Note: Sisu glows as she wants to trust Namaari, but Raya avoids the attack, and Namaari fires at Sisu accidentally. Then Sisu drowns in water afterwards. She is later revived by the Dragon Gem power after the Druun are defeated. * '''Everyone, give me your gems, we can still put it together, it can still work.''' * '''Sisu's gone, Raya, We don't have her magic!''' * '''It's not about her magic, it's about trust.''' * '''What?''' * '''That's why it worked. That's why we can do it, too, by doing the one thing, Sisu wanted us to do, what my Ba wanted us to do, to finally trust each other and fix this, but we have to come together, please.''' * '''After what she's done?''' * '''We'll never trust her!''' * '''Then let me take the first step.''' * '''Raya! No!''' ** Who: Raya, Namaari, Tong, and Boun ** Source: ''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' (2021) ** Note: The gang end up surrounded by the Druun, and Raya realizes that the only way to defeat it is to put all the gem pieces back together. When they refuse to help Namaari (following her recent backlash for killing Sisu), Raya decides to take the first step by going through the Druun, turning into stone. Devastated, they decide to listen to her and give Namaari the gem pieces and put them back together, and join Raya as they turn into stones as well. When Namaari puts all the gem pieces back together and joins the gang to turn into stone, the Dragon Gem power defeats the Drunn and revives every human and dragon, even Sisu (even though she was shot in the chest with a bow earlier). * '''Yes, Captain Pulk.''' ** Who: Duffle ** Source: ''[[Strange World (film)|Strange World]]'' (2022) ** Note: Later during the first battle, Duffle gets eaten by one of the wyvern-like creatures and causes the Venture Ship to almost crash-land, but Meridian saves it by saying "Not today." * '''There's another way. There's always another way... There’s another way to reach the island! There’s another way!''' [Kele: No! Moana, you can’t!] [Moni: It’s too far!] '''Find Maui!''' [Loto: Moana!] [Kele: No! Moana!] ** Who: Moana ** Source: ''[[Moana 2]]'' (2024) ** Note: After Maui loses his powers, Moana finds another way and dives in underwater all the way down deep to the bottom. When she touches the ocean ground with the light of her hand to save the world, she gets struck to death by a purple lightning coming from Nalo. Then a powerless Maui and spirits, especially Gramma Tala joins together to restore Moana, which she gets her powers from her paddle and tattoos on her arm, which revives her. ===Pixar=== * ''[whimpering]'' '''The toys! The toys are alive!''' ''[sees Hannah's doll and recoils a bit]'' '''Nice toy. ''AAAAAAAAAH!!!!''''' ** Who: Sid Phillips ** Source: ''[[Toy Story]]'' (1995) ** Note: Hannah, happy sensing Sid's tears crying. And now, Sid was growing up, works as a garbage man, his cameo in ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010) *'''Well, what's this? Another one of your little bird tricks?''' [Flik: Yep.] '''Are there a bunch of little girls in this one, too? Hello, girls!''' ''[the bird screeches really loudly at him]'' '''AAAAAH!!!!''' ''[the bird flies shortly and jumps at him]'' '''Aaaaah! Aah! Aah! Oh!''' ''[the bird got Hopper using her beak]'' '''A-AAAAAAAH!!!! Ah! No! No! NOOO, NO, NO, NO! Aah! Aah! Aah! A-AAH-AAAH-AAAAH!!!! AAAAAAAAH!!! NO! OH, NOOOO!!! OH, NO! NO, NO, NO! ''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' ** Who: Hopper ** Source: ''[[A Bug's Life]]'' (1998) ** Note: He corners Flik near a bird's nest and strangles him. A bird pops out from the nest and Hopper thinks the bird is one of Flik's tricks, but he soon realizes that she is real. Hopper screams and tries to escape, but the bird blocks his path as she snatches him in her beak in one swift move and takes him to her nest where he is eaten by her newborn chicks, thus ending his reign of terror on the ant colony. * '''Good throw, son! That's my boy. Go long, Buzzy!''' ** Who: Emperor Zurg ** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999) ** Note: Zurg fires another ball for Utility Belt Buzz to catch. * '''IDIOTS! CHILDREN DESTROY TOYS! YOU'LL ALL BE RUINED, FORGOTTEN, SPENDING ETERNITY ROTTING IN SOME LANDFILL!''' ['''Woody:''' Well, Stinky Pete, I think it's time you learned the true meaning of "playtime". ''[smiles and points off-screen]'' Right over there, guys!] '''No! NO! ''NOOOOOO!!''''' ''[mouth zoom wipe]'' ** Who: Stinky Pete ** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999) ** Note: Buzz and his friends put him into Amy's backpack for rudely forcing Woody and the rest of the Roundup Gang to Konoshi Toy Museum in Tokyo. * ''[On TV]'' '''Welcome to Al's Toy Barn. We've got the lowest prices in town. Everything for a buck-buck-buck...!''' ** Who: Al McWhiggin ** Source: ''[[Toy Story 2]]'' (1999) ** Note: Al cries over his loss of collector's items and his failure of bringing Woody and the rest of the Roundup Gang to Japan. * ['''CDA Agent:''' I'll get him. All right, come with us. Sir.] '''Wh-what are you doing?! Take your hands off me! You can't arrest me! I hope you're happy, Sullivan! You destroyed this company, Monsters, Incorporated is dead! Where will everyone get their scream, now?! THE ENERGY CRISIS WILL ONLY GET WORSE... ''BECAUSE OF YOU!!!''''' ''[door slams]'' ** Who: Henry J. Waternoose III ** Source: ''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' (2001) ** Note: Gets arrested by the CDA, after being tricked by Sulley and Mary and exposed by Mike of what he yelled about. * '''Fishy!''' ** Who: Darla Sherman ** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003) ** Note: Said after Gill helps Nemo escape. * '''Barbara? I don't understand it. Here this thing has a lifetime guarantee and it breaks! I had to clean the tank myself, take all the fish out, put 'em in bags and--Where did the fish go?''' ** Who: Philip Sherman ** Source: ''[[Finding Nemo]]'' (2003) ** Note: Said in post-credit scene. *'''This isn't the end of it! I will get your son, eventually! I'll get your son!''' ''[laughs evilly, then gasps in shock]'' '''Aw, no.''' ** Who: Buddy Pine / Syndrome ** Source: ''[[The Incredibles]]'' (2004) ** Note: Line is spoken before the villain's cape gets caught in one of his plane's turbines. Bob Parr/Mr. Incredible throws his car at Syndrome, making him fall and get sucked into the turbine by his cape and the plane explodes. * Who cooked the ratatouille? I demand to know''' ** Who: Chef Skinner ** Source: ''[[Ratatouille]]'' (2007) ** Note: Chef skinner tries to hold the holo-detector open when food closet to close it, then gets locked on and has his system dead. *['''Captain McCrea:''' AUTO, you are relieved of duty!] '''Noooooooooooo...''' ** Who: AUTO ** Source: ''[[WALL-E]]'' (2008) ** Note: Gets switched to manual mode by Captain McCrea. *'''Any last words, Fredricksen?! Come on, spit it out!''' ''[Carl spits his retainer at him]'' '''Ugh! ''[Carl then puts his retainer back in his mouth]'' ENOUGH!''' ''[swinging his sword at his prized possessions]'' '''I'm taking that bird BACK with me, ALIVE...OR DEAD!''' ** Who: Charles Muntz ** Source: ''[[Up]]'' (2009) ** Note: Carl walks backwards with Kevin from Muntz who destroys his prized possessions with a sword. Charles later pursues Carl up to the top of the floating house they are standing on only to fall off the house to his death. *'''Where's your kid now, Sheriff?''' ** Who: Lots-O'-Huggin' Bear ** Source: ''[[Toy Story 3]]'' (2010) ** Note: Once Lotso is safe from the incinerator, he runs off, leaving the toys for death. However, after the toys are saved, they want to get revenge on Lotso, but Woody says, "Forget it, guys. He's not worth it." In the next scene, Lotso thinks he got off scot-free, but instead, he is tied to the front of a garbage truck. *'''NO!!!''' ** Who: Rod "Torque" Redline ** Source: ''[[Cars 2]]'' (2011) ** Note: In the secret lair, Rod is tied down and fueled with "Allinol", and Professor Zündapp demonstrates what happens when cars fueled with Allinol are exposed to an electromagnetic pulse. As a result, Rod dies from spontaneous combustion after saying this line. His death is only shown as a barely visible reflection in the photo. * '''[Growls]?''' ** Who: Mor'du ** Source: ''[[Brave]]'' (2012) ** Note: Said after Merida unmasked him as the mastermind behind the crash rocks sabotage and as the leader of the syndicate. *'''Who the birthday girl. Ya-ha-ha! You made it! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Go! Go save Riley! Ha-ha-ha! Take her to the moon for me. Okay?''' ** Who: Jangles the Clown and Bing Bong ** Source: ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' (2015) ** Note: After Bing Bong sacrifices himself to help Joy blast out of the memory dump with his rocket. *'''RUN, ARLO!''' ** Who: Poppa Henry ** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015) ** Note: He is killed by the rushing rapids after saying this to his son to get him to escape from a flash flood. *'''The storm provides!''' ** Who: Thunderclap ** Source: ''[[The Good Dinosaur]]'' (2015) ** Note: Said when he tries to get Spot to drown. He then failed when Arlo roared and Spot bit his left wing, leaving a hole in it. Thunderclap tries to get away, but his left wing got a hole thanks to Spot and Arlo threw a log at him. With that, Thunderclap becomes flightless, leading him to fall into the river and drown. *'''And how far back is she now?''' ['''Ray:''' ''[via headset]'' Look behind you.] '''What?''' ['''Cruz Ramirez:''' Good evening, Storm!] '''Wait, how did you--?''' ['''Cruz Ramirez:''' Just back here drafting on your butt. Nothing to be concerned about.] ['''Lightning McQueen:''' Like two June bugs on a summer night!] ''[Smokey laughs]'' ['''Cruz Ramirez:''' ''[laughs]'' Hey, Hamilton!] ['''Hamilton:''' Hamilton, here.] ['''Cruz Ramirez:''' Call out our speed!] ['''Hamilton:''' 208 miles per hour. 207 miles per hour.] '''Would you stop that?! You're taking me off my line!''' ['''Lightning McQueen:''' Last lap!] ['''Smokey:''' Come on, Cruz!] ['''Cruz Ramirez:''' ''[sarcastically]'' Uh-oh! My GPS is saying I have traffic in my way!] '''No, no, no, you are not winning this!''' ['''Cruz Ramirez:''' Ah, you're angry!] '''I am ''not'' angry!''' ['''Cruz Ramirez:''' You know, you can use that anger to push through!] '''''I SAID I'M NOT ANGRY!''''' ''[Cruz tries passing him on the left]'' '''Oh, I don't think so!''' ''[Cruz tries to pass him on the right]'' '''NO!''' ''[slams Cruz into the wall]'' ['''Lightning McQueen''': Cruz, get out of there!] '''You don't belong on this track!''' ['''Cruz Ramirez''': '''''Yes, I DO!''''' ''[flips over him]''] ** Who: Jackson Storm ** Source: ''[[Cars 3]]'' (2017) ** Note: Said before Cruz Ramírez flips over him to win the 2017 Florida 500. *'''''♪ Until you're in my arms again, remember me! ♪''''' *'''Nice kitty...Put me down! NO, PLEASE!! I'm beggin' you! Stop, stop! Ow, ow!''' '''''NOOOOO!!! NOOOO!!! AAAAH!!!''''' ** Who: Ernesto de la Cruz ** Source: ''[[Coco (2017 film)|Coco]]'' (2017) ** Note 1: Was flattened to death by a giant bell during one of his performances in 1942. ** Note 2: Ernesto flies away from Pepita and is crushed to death by a giant bell again. *'''The fact that you saved me doesn't make you right. ** Who: Evelyn ** Source: ''[[Incredibles 2]]'' (2018) ** Note: One year later, due to natural causes, she fight at the Land of the Remembered and still visits her family on arrest along with the other Evelyn family. *['''Mei:''' '''''All I wanted...was to go to a CONCERT!'''''] '''I never went to concerts! I put my family first! I tried to be a good daughter!''' ['''Mei:''' ''[not buying her pain and suffering from her past]'' '''''WELL SORRY I'M NOT PERFECT, SORRY I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH, AND SORRY I'LL NEVER BE LIKE YOU!'''''] **Who: Ming Lee **Source: ''[[Turning Red]]'' (2022) **Note: Ming gets knocked out unconscious with a headbutt by her daughter at Rogers Centre (SkyDome, at the time), shutting her up, but she is revived by the family ritual with the help of Mei's friends and 4*Town and has her panda spirit released. *'''Goodbye, Buzz. I'm sorry I won't be there to see you finish the mission. To infinity...''' ['''Buzz:''' ...and beyond.] ** Who: Alisha Hawthorne ** Source: ''[[Lightyear (film)|Lightyear]]'' (2022) ** Note: Alisha sent her final message to Buzz before she died of old age. *'''Promise me one thing. Marry...fire.''' ** Who: Ember's grandmother ** Source: ''[[Elemental (2023 film)|Elemental]]'' (2023) ** Note: When Ember interrupts yet another love test to a couple, Cinder reveals to Ember that her maternal grandmother's dying wish was for her to find someone like her to love. The scene switches to a flashback/cutaway scene with Ember's grandmother about to die of old age and saying this line before disappearing into nothingness. *'''I really ''do'' love it when your light does that.''' ** Who: Wade Ripple ** Source: ''[[Elemental (2023 film)|Elemental]]'' (2023) ** Note: During the flood in Element City, Wade comes back to The Fireplace to save Ember, and their way out is blocked and is vaporized away near her. He is later revived by Ember's happy line, which makes the water drops fill the bucket. === 20th Century Animation === ''See also [[Last words in 20th Century Studios animated films]]'' === Hyperion Animation === * '''So...it's back to that stupid static again. You think I don't know what's going on in here? I know what goes on in this cottage. It's a conspiracy, and every one of you low-watts is in on it. Just because you move around, you think you're better than I am? I'm ''NOT'' an invalid! I was designed to stick in a wall! I LIKE BEING STUCK IN THIS STUPID WALL! I can't help it if the kid was too short TO REACH MY DIALS!''' [Toaster: We didn't mean it! Really!] '''IT'S MY FUNCTION!''' ** Who: Air Conditioner ** Source: ''[[The Brave Little Toaster (film)|The Brave Little Toaster]]'' (1987) ** Note: After being insulted by Kirby, the character gets angry and overheats before blowing himself up. After the appliances lament the character's loss, Kirby says, "Well, he was a jerk anyway." (Later on in the film, after finding the cabin in a mess, the Master, Rob, fixes the air conditioner, making him good as new). === Other (DTV sequels etc.) === * '''My eyes! I can't see! No! No!''' ** Who: Colonel Muska ** Source: ''[[w:Castle in the Sky|Castle in the Sky]]'' (1986) (anime dubbed by Disney in 1999 cancelled release/2003 release) ** Note: Colonel Muska is defeated by Sheeta and Pazu, becomes blinded, and falls to his death. * '''Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight, Toontown's gonna be land for the free-''' ** Who: R.K. Maroon ** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988) **Note: R.K. Maroon was attempting to explain the reason why Marvin Acme was killed. Judge Doom, who had murdered Acme, shot him before the crime could be revealed. * '''"Nose"? ''That'' don't rhyme with "Walls"?''' ['''Eddie Valiant:''' No, but ''this'' does!] ** Who: Smarty ** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988) ** Note: When Eddie and Roger start singing a humorous song to kill the villainous Weasels, knowing that they can laugh themselves to death, Smarty says the above line when he notices an error in their song. Eddie then replies, "No, but ''this'' does!", sending Smarty flying with a kick to the groin, and he lands in a toxic chemical known as "The Dip". * '''Bye-bye! Hee-hee-hee-hee!''' ** Who: Psycho ** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988) ** Note: One of the villainous Weasels, who starts laughing uncontrollably when Eddie and Roger sing a humorous song, accidentally falls into a toxic chemical known as "The Dip". * '''I'M MELTING! MELTING! WAUGH-WAUGH-WAAAH! Oh no...''' ** Who: Judge Doom ** Source: ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit]]'' (1988) ** Note: After revealing to Eddie that he is a toon, the villainous Doom tries to kill him, but Eddie unleashes a giant torrent of Dip at Doom, causing him to scream this line as he melts in a giant pool of the thinner until he was nothing more than a puddle of melted yellow and red paint. * '''MY TALISMAN!''' ** Who: Merlock ** Source: ''[[w:DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp|DuckTales the Movie: Treasure of the Lost Lamp]]'' (1990) ** Note: Merlock, transfigured into a griffin-like form, was defeated by Scrooge McDuck after having his talisman removed - this restored him to his normal form in the sky, causing him to fall to his death from the clouds. * '''So long, Jack!''' ''[laughs maniacally]'' [Jack Skellington: How dare you treat my friends so SHAMEFULLY?!] ''[gasps]'' '''No, no, no! Jack, don't! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE! My bugs! MY BUGS! My bugs, my bugs, my bugs-!''' ** Who: Oogie Boogie ** Source: ''[[The Nightmare Before Christmas]]'' (1993) ** Note: After Jack Skellington pulls on a loose string, unraveling him, a mass majority of his bugs fall into a lava pit, only for the surviving bug to be crushed by Santa. * ''[laughs evilly]'' '''Good help is SO hard to find these days, isn't it, Aladdin?''' ''[resumes his evil laughter, but gasps when he sees Iago using the last of his strength to kick his lamp down to the pit of lava]'' '''My lamp! NOOOOOO!!!!''' ** Who: Jafar ** Source: ''[[The Return of Jafar]]'' (1994) ** Note: After Jafar blasts Iago with a powerful attack; in a last-ditch effort, Iago pushes Jafar's lamp into a pit of lava. The lamp melts as Jafar screams in rage and agony, before finally exploding, killing him. * [Mickey Mouse: Wait, you're not gonna...] '''Put your brain in his body?''' ''[imitates buzzer]'' '''That's right!''' ''[laughs diabolically]'' ** Who: Dr. Frankenollie ** Source: ''[[w:Mickey Mouse in Runaway Brain|Mickey Mouse in Runaway Brain]]'' (1995) ** Note: During his plan to switch Mickey's brain with that of Frankenstein's monster-esque Julius, Frankenollie says these words before his experiment, though successful, causes an explosion that vaporizes and kills him. *[James: I can't find it.] Mother: '''Try looking at it another way.''' [James: ''[tilts his head to see the cloud that shapes like the Empire State Building]'' I see it!] Father: '''That's where we're going, on the great ship that will take us across the ocean, and we'll go right to the top of that building. The three of us...on top of the world.''' [James: Are there any kids there like me?] '''Hundreds of them. It's a wonderful place, James. A city where dreams come true.''' ** Who: James' Parents ** Source: ''[[James and the Giant Peach (film)|James and the Giant Peach]]'' (1996) ** Note: They are eaten by a rhino that appears out of nowhere, forcing their son to live with his two mean aunts Spiker and Sponge. *'''Nobody's going anywhere. Give the Hand of Midas to ''me,'' Cassim, or your son dies!''' ['''Cassim:''' Sa'luk, you battle is with me!] ['''Aladdin:''' Don't worry, Dad, I can take him alone.] ['''Cassim:''' ''[quietly]'' But you're not alone. ''[stares at the Hand of Midas]'' Not anymore. ''[to Sa'luk]'' You want the Hand of Midas, Sa'luk? Take it!] ''[in slow motion, he throws the Hand of Midas to Sa'luk, who pushes Aladdin away, and, at normal speed, catches it]'' '''The Hand of Midas is ''mine!'' Ha-ha-ha-ha! And also, the life of your brat.''' ''[Cassim smirks]'' '''Hmm?''' ''[to Aladdin, who is looking at him in horror]'' '''What are ''you'' staring at?''' ''[realizing what's happening]'' '''Ohh. No! No! ''NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!''''' ''[turns into a gold statue]'' ** Who: Sa'luk ** Source: ''[[Aladdin and the King of Thieves]]'' (1996) ** Note: When he threatens to kill Aladdin, Aladdin's father, Cassim, decides to keep Aladdin alive by throwing the Hand of Midas to him. He catches it by the golden section instead of the bronze handle. Consequently, the hand turns him into a gold statue, which falls off the edge and into the water. * '''Is this HAPPY enough for you, Master?! I know I'm downright...GIDDY!''' [Fife: Master! The keyboard!] '''Huh...what?! WHAT?! NOOOOO!!!!''' [Beast: ''[sympathetically and mournfully]'' Forte.] ** Who: Forte ** Source: ''[[w:Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas|Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas]]'' (1997) ** Note: Forte attempted to destroy the castle and kill everyone in it to prevent the spell from breaking, so he can stay in his form as a pipe organ, and thus live forever. Fortunately, Beast stops him and destroys his keyboard. Enraged, Forte causes himself to crash down to the ground, silencing him forever as he falls. * '''I'm sorry, Mother. I tried.''' ** Who: Nuka ** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998) ** Note: Nuka said this after chasing Simba, who goes up a pile of logs to escape from Zira and the other Outsiders. Simba escapes, but the logs come falling on him, causing his death. The line is originally going to include "Well, I finally got your attention, didn't I? Didn't I...", and him squeezing out from under the logs, but it was scrapped. * '''Where are you going? Get back here!''' [Simba: Let it go, Zira. It's time to put the past behind us.] '''I'll ''never'' let it go! This is for you, Scar!''' ** Who: Zira ** Source: ''[[The Lion King II: Simba's Pride]]'' (1998) ** Note: Zira was about to attack Simba when Simba's daughter, Kiara, suddenly knocks her aside. They both fall down a cliff towards the rapids of a gorge with a rushing river full of logs. Although Kiara tries to save her, Zira falls to her death as she screams while considering the offer. The original concept was to have Zira about to whisper with reply "No. Never!", and deliberately let go of the cliff, but it was also scrapped. * [Melody: Grandfather, I think this is belongs to ''You!'' ''[Throws the trident]''] ''[pushes Melody off the cliff while trying to reach the trident]'' '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!''' ''[ Melody falls, but was saved by Tip and Dash, while the trident returns to King Triton]'' [King Triton: Never again will you or yours threaten my family. There will be no escape for you! '''EVER!'''] ''[turned into iceberg, and sinks to the depths as the iceberg collapse]'' '''Mommy?''' ** Who: Morgana ** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea]]'' (2000) ** Note: After Melody throws the trident to her maternal grandfather, King Triton, who fires at Morgana into an iceberg, and falls into the water pit; she dies into it. * '''You go. There's one more thing I've got to do. It's my only chance.''' ** Who: Spot ** Source: ''[[Teacher's Pet (2004 film)]]'' ** Note: The human Spot says this as he stands in front of a laser beam, hoping that it will turn him back into a dog. The machine seemingly kills him. In grief, Leonard kicks the machine, and it resumes, turning Spot back into a dog. * [Lilo: Stitch, you're gonna be okay now. Please be okay.] ''[weakly]'' '''Stitch...sorry.''' ''[shuts down with his last breath]'' [Lilo: ''[heartbroken]'' Stitch.] ** Who: Stitch ** Source: ''[[Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch]]'' (2005) ** Note: Says this to Lilo before he shuts down after his badness level increases. Later, Jumba, Pleakley, David, and Nani find Stitch dead. Lilo tells Jumba that the Fusion Chamber is not working, which informs Jumba to realize that they ran too late to save him, causing everyone to weep. But the system recharges him, and he gets revived. * '''That's right! Run! Run like the cowardly prey that you are! I will hunt you down!''' ['''Samson''': Everyone to the boat!] '''Top of the food chain, ma! Top of the food cha--AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OW!!''' ['''Koala doll''': I'm so cuddly, I like you! I'm so cuddly, I like you! I'm so cuddly, I like you!] '''Uh-oh.''' ** Who: Kazar ** Source: ''[[The Wild (film)|The Wild]]'' (2006) ** Note: Kazar attempts to kill Samson and Ryan and, after an intense battle, Blag and the rest of the wildebeests refuse to serve Kazar any further. Samson gains the courage he needs and roars powerfully enough to push back a charging Kazar. The animals, along with the wildebeests, flee except Kazar, who is trapped in the erupting volcano, in which he gets crushed to death by a falling rock. * '''Our song.''' ** Who: Marina ** Source: ''[[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]]'' (2008) ** Note: A ocean animals attack marina. * [Scrooge: Are they yours?] '''They are mens. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both.''' ** Who: The Ghost of Christmas Present ** Source: ''[[A Christmas Carol (2009 film)|A Christmas Carol]]'' (2009) ** Note: After Present revealed Scrooge what hidden in his robe which is Ignorance and Want, the loud clock bell tolls louder at the strikes of 12, which it kills him. As Present is still laughing, skin dust blow away to become skeleton, then the dust of skeleton blows away afterwards, leaving Scrooge alone with clock still ticking. * '''Would you like a complete destruction now?''' [A blueberry hits "Yes"] '''Destruction in progress.''' ** Who: Terrafirminator ** Source: ''[[Gnomeo & Juliet]]'' (2011) ** Note: Said before making a jump and crashes into Juliet's castle place, making an explosion. * '''Two old RVs? Oh, no... I-It's Harvey and Winnie! We met them earlier! They're looking for the place they had their first kiss!''' [Windlifter: Augerin Canyon. That's at the other end of the park.] '''I can get there the fastest!''' [Windlifter: The canyon will be engulfed in flames and you have no retardant!] '''I'll scoop off the river, there's a clear stretch of water!''' ''[pauses]'' ''' Windlifter, I can do it.''' [Windlifter: Go. And be safe.] ** Who: Dusty Crophopper ** Source: ''[[Planes: Fire and Rescue]]'' (2014) ** Note: Said before going to save Harvey and Winnie from the flaming and collapsing bridge at Augurin Canyon, and since there was no time to load up water from the river, he pushes himself up the waterfall to reload, pushing his torque over 80% which effectively destroys his failing reduction gearbox not long after extinguishing the fire, and crashing fatally. He is later repaired by Maru and wakes up five days later, having been given a new handmade gearbox out of recycled parts. * '''That's right. You and I no longer have to quarrel, and most importantly, we have peace.''' ** Who: Akela ** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (2016 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (2016) ** Note: While Shere Khan is chilling next to Akela, he furiously throws him off the cliff, killing him. * '''Did you think I would let you grow old? Either I'll devour you, or the Red Flower will! It's just a matter of time. How long did you ''really'' think you'd survive against me? Longer than your father did? Longer than...''Akela''?!''' ** Who: Shere Khan ** Source: ''[[The Jungle Book (2016 film)|The Jungle Book]]'' (2016) ** Note: During their battle, Mowgli lures Shere Khan up a dead tree, defeating him by causing him to fall into the fire to his death. * '''Scar! Help me!''' * '''Remember.''' ** Who: Mufasa ** Source: ''[[The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]'' (2019) ** Note: Mufasa, who was hanging on a cliff trying to get away from a blue wildebeest stampede after saving his son Simba, pleads for Scar to help him, but Scar refuses, grabbing Mufasa's paws, mockingly says "Long live the king", and then slaps him from the cliff into the stampede, straight to his death. Mufasa years later appears in the clouds as a spirit, convincing his son to return to Pride Rock and reclaim his place as king. The next line is the last word he says; the last word of the movie. * '''My friends...it will take some time, but together, we will build our army!''' [Kamari: "Friends", huh? I thought you said we were revolting scavengers.] [Azizi: Yeah! That you wanted to kill us!] '''No! No, let me explain! I was trying to fool him! We will rule together!''' [Shenzi: There's only one true thing you ever said, Scar: "A hyena's belly is never full."] '''NOOOOO!!!!''' ** Who: Scar ** Source: ''[[The Lion King (2019 film)|The Lion King]]'' (2019) ** Note: Scar had previously blamed his hyena minions for Mufasa's death in an attempt to gain mercy from Simba, not knowing that they had been listening. After being defeated by Simba, and thrown off into the embers below, he is surrounded and torn to shreds by his former minions. * '''I didn’t kill him… you did.''' ** Who: Kiros ** Source: ''[[Mufasa: The Lion King|Mufasa: The Lion King]]'' (2024) ** Note: Said before he slashes Taka's eye, leaving a scar, while Kiros drags Mufasa into an underwater cavern. A rockfall allows Mufasa to defeat Kiros. ==See also== *[[Fictional last words in films]] *[[Fictional last words]] *[[Fictional last words in animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films|*Disney animated films]] [[Category:Fictional last words|Disney animated films]] [[Category:The Walt Disney Company]] 6b3j80z87kdmlvhgch6euahcf7w1oov 0 86547 3944523 3929039 2026-05-23T16:54:57Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944523 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Quest for Camelot|Quest for Camelot]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998 animated film]] from [[w:Warner Bros. Animation|Warner Bros. Animation]] about a young woman named Kayley who wants to be a knight of the Round Table in Camelot like her father, a blind young man named Garrett who wishes only to be left alone, and their quest to find [[Excalibur]]. It is loosely based on the novel ''[[w:The King's Damosel|The King's Damosel]]'' by [[w:Vera Chapman|Vera Chapman]]. :''Directed by [[w:Frederik Du Chau|Frederik Du Chau]]. Written by [[w:Kirk De Micco|Kirk De Micco]], [[w:Jacqueline Feather|Jacqueline Feather]], and [[w:David Seidler|David Seidler]]. {{center|'''Garrett & Kayley: A noble warrior and a brave girl find the magical sword.'''}} == [[King Arthur]] == * ''[After they all put Sir Lionel in the stone coffin with stone pillars at Lady Juliana's Farm. Tears run down Kayley's face as Arthur gives Sir Lionel's dented shield to Lady Juliana, who also cries]'' Your husband died saving my life. And saving Camelot. Lady Juliana, the gates of Camelot will always be open to you. ''[Addresses the others:]'' Sir Lionel was my most trusted knight. And also my dear, dear friend. We will always remember how he bravely upheld the ideals of Camelot. ''[He then takes out Excalibur and holds it in the air and the other knights take out their swords and hold them in the air in respect for their deceased knight.]'' * ''[Final lines]'' I dub thee, Sir Garrett. I dub thee, Lady Kayley. Thank you for saving Camelot. You have reminded us, the kingdom's strength… is not based in the strength of the king, but the strength of the people. From this day forward, you will both sit as Knights of the Round Table! ''[all cheer]'' ==Kayley== *''[after seeing her father ride off with the knights to Camelot]'' One day, I'll be a knight, like father. *''[to herself, lamenting on the normal everyday life after she and her mother disagree over her dreams of becoming a knight]'' How am I going to do great things if I'm stuck here with these silly chickens? *''[To Ruber, before she swings down with a large wooden beam to knock him away from the king]'' I will not serve a false king! ==Garrett== *''[His first lines, after Kayley falls into a swamp bed and gets tangled in a net]'' Hey! That's ''my'' net. *''[to Ayden]'' You don't understand. In Camelot, she'd only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything. ==Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed [[Dragon]]== *'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. ''[Explaining why they're "conjoined twin dragons"]'' Oh. ''Enchanté'', ''mademoiselle''. I'm Devon, and this ''growth'' on my neck is Cornwall. *'''Cornwall''': But you can call me "Corny", for short. ''[Meeting Kayley for the first time]'' *'''Devon''': ''[walking through The Ogre's "den" - filled with skeletons - sarcastically and quietly]'' ''Charming place''. I must get the name of his decorator. *'''Cornwall''': Tell ya what: next time, you try to fly, and we'll hold on! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Kayley, after Garrett has left the group]'' Forget about him. You're better off alone. He walks funny. He talks funny. People throw darts at him. *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, appalled]'' How can you be so cold-blooded?! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Devon]'' I'm a reptile. ''[He sticks his tongue out]'' *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, poking him]'' Listen, you Jurassic twit! Kayley deserves someone who will [[love]] her. ''[Devon performs the following actions upon Cornwall]'' Someone... who'll hold her in his arms, ''[he squeezes Cornwall's head until his eyes bulge]'' who'll run his fingers through her hair, ''[he runs his fingers across Cornwall's head]'' look deeply in her eyes, ''[holds Cornwall eye-to-eye, then releases him]'' and make her feel like a real woman! ''[He kisses Cornwall; both spit and splutter]'' ==Ruber== *''[After Arthur had repelled him with Excalibur]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and all will be mine! *''[To Juliana]'' I'm so glad you've noticed! I've been working at it for years! *''[after he used his magic potion to fasten Excalibur to his hand]'' Don't worry, little girl. I'll make sure Arthur gets it back. Or gets it ''in'' the back. ''[laughs]'' As the case may be! ''[Softly]'' Throw her into the wagon. *''[after Kayley stops him from attacking the king]'' You're in the way, just like your father! Since you're dying to be like him! ''[he swings Excalibur at her, but she dodges]'' Let's see if I can help you out! *''[his last words]'' Two, for the price of one! This must be my lucky day. Oh, no! The stone! ''[explosion; Ruber dies]'' ==Bladebeak== * ''[Covered in mud while one-eyed mosslike creatures are looking at him]'' [[Taxi Driver|Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?]] ''[The one-eyed stalk creatures disappear. He turns. The one-eyed creatures look at him again, but disappear as soon as he turns back to them]'' * Bladebeak, at your service! ''[Frees Kayley]'' * ''[confronting an iron man]'' You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel - clucky?" Well, do ya... punk? ''[He pecks the iron man]'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Come on. ''[While Sir Lionel is helping Lady Juliana getting off her horse.]'' Father! ''[As she jumps into her father's arms, they roll down onto a sandy beach.]'' Father, do you really have to go? :'''Sir Lionel''': I’m afraid I must, Kayley. You know the King’s Knights will be here soon. :'''Kayley''': Tell me again, why you became a knight. :'''Lady Juliana''': Kayley, you’ve heard it a thousand times! :'''Sir Lionel''': Oh, but it’s fine dear. Well, my daughter, before you were born, the land was dark and treacherous. ''[draws three circles in the sand with his finger]'' The people stood divided, brother fighting brother. ''[We go to a flashback, where at three stone pillars holding the magic sword, Excalibur.]'' The only hope for peace was in the legend of the sword Excalibur; for it was said, that only the true king could pull the magical sword from its stone, and unite the people. Many tried; all failed. ''[Everybody tries to pull out Excalibur, but to no avail, gave up]'' Then, on the very day you were born, ''[A young man emerges from the crowd]'' an unexpected hero stepped forth, his name was Arthur, ''[Arthur pulls out Excalibur, much to everybody's amazement]'' and he was that true king. With Excalibur at his side he led us out of the darkness ''[Years pass by, as a castle is being constructed]'' and together we built the greatest kingdom on Earth, ''[Everybody helped build a kingdom]'' everyone rejoiced. ''[All of Camelot's residents danced and formed the three interlocked rings, showing union and Kayley is dancing inside a drawn circle, where she is dreaming about Camelot]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[shows Kayley the shield representing the three rings]'' And so these three rings represent the unity of our people. As a knight, I took an oath to protect Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur. :'''Kayley''': The knights are here! :'''Sir Lionel''': I must go now, Kayley. The king has summoned his knights for a special day in Camelot. ''[kisses Lady Juliana and begins to ride off]'' Goodbye. :'''Kayley''': I’m coming with you, daddy! :'''Sir Lionel''': Yes, when you are old enough, Kayley. I will take you to Camelot. I promise. I love you. :'''Kayley''': One day, I will be a knight, like father. :'''Sir Lionel''': Let’s go! :''[The knights ride off as "Warner Bros. Presents" fades in and fades out. We pan upwards to the sky as the film title "Quest for Camelot" [or "The Magic Sword: Quest for Camelot" in some countries] fades in and fades out. The knights travels on their horses on the main road to Camelot as the opening credits appear. The knights travel three days without stopping on their way to Camelot like '''[[The Swan Princess|The Swan Princess]]''', '''[[The Sword in the Stone (1963 film)|The Sword in the Stone]]''', and '''[[Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped|Crash Bandicoot: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Knight Chorus'''': ''[singing]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. ''[The drawbridge lowers as "Directed by Frederik Du Chau" fades in and fades out and the knights go inside Camelot]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. :''[Sir Lionel passes a young boy who is seemly blind is practicing his skills. The knights are greeted by their friends. Arthur appears at the main entrance of the castle with his advisor Merlin.]'' :'''King Arthur''': ''[singing]'' It's been 10 years we celebrate, All that made our kingdom great, Liberty and justice for all, Each of us we now divide, for equal shares our countryside, promising equality for all we reside! :'''Knights of the Round Table''': United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand; brother to brother; no 1 shall be greater than all. ::[[Liberty]] – [[Justice]] – [[Trust]] ::[[Freedom]] – [[Peace]] – [[Honor]] ::[[Goodness]] – [[Strength]] – [[Valor]] :'''Ruber''': ME! ''[To Knights]'' ''Charming'' sing along. Now, let's get down to business. I waited a long time for this day. ''What about my new land?!'' :'''King Arthur''': Sir Ruber. Always thinking of yourself. As knights of the round table, our obligation is to the people, not to ourselves. The land will be divided according to each person’s needs. :'''Ruber''': Then I need more than everyone. I wouldn't have supported you all these years if I thought you were running a charity. :'''Sir Lionel''': The King has decided! :'''Ruber''': Then it's time for the new king, and I vote for me. :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[?; to Ruber]'' [[VeggieTales#Gideon: Tuba Warrior|I will not serve a false king.]] :'''Ruber''': Then serve... A DEAD 1! ''[Ruber draws a mace and leaps at Arthur; the other knights try to stop him, but he fights through them and strikes at Arthur, only to be disarmed and knocked flying by Excalibur.]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and ALL WILL BE MINE!! ''[He runs out of the room with the doors closing behind him as the knights throw spears at him. On the other side, Ruber barricades a door with a wooden beam before running off in exile as nine spears pierce the doors. Back in the room, the knights gather round Sir Lionel who is lying on the floor, motionless.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Arthur''': In the 10 years since Sir Lionel's [[w:death|death]], [[w:Egalitarianism|equality]] and [[w:freedom|freedom]] have spread throughout the lands. Excalibur has given us the strength to stand together against all injustice. Camelot has prospered beyond our greatest dreams- ''[Ruber's Griffin crashes into the tower roof]'' :'''Knight 4''': It's a Griffin. ''[The Griffin growls as King Arthur is about to reach Excalibur with his hand very slowly, but The Griffin grabs Excalibur with his beak, breaking a piece of the chair, and biting King Arthur's arm. The Griffin flies up from the round table as the other Knights start to charge and throw their swords at The Griffin]'' :'''Knight 5''': It's taken Excalibur! :'''Knight 6''': Arthur is wounded! :'''King Arthur''': Never mind me! Find Merlin and go after the sword! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ruber's men raid Lady Juliana and Kayley's home. Ruber enters, masked]'' :'''Ruber''': Knock Knock! :'''Lady Juliana''': Who-who are you? ''[Ruber takes off his helmet. Lady Juliana gasps]'' ''Ruber''! :'''Ruber''': Juliana. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd invade. How about a kiss? I hear you're still single. :'''Lady Juliana''': ''[She slaps his hand]'' ''Impertinent pig''! :'''Ruber''': Is that a No? :'''Lady Juliana''': I demand that you leave immediately! :'''Ruber''': ''So rude''! And after I came all this way. Just to see you. :'''Lady Juliana''': What do you want? :'''Ruber''': Camelot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ruber''': My faithful pet. How was the flight? Panic sweeps across the land. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': My plan is perfect. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Now, Excalibur is mine. :'''Griffin''': ''[grunts]'' Here's where we enter a gray area. Hmm. :''[Ruber grabs The Griffin by the ruff of his neck, making him groan]'' :'''Ruber''': Excuse me? You ''lost'' Excalibur? How?! :'''Griffin''': I was attacked by a falcon. :''[Ruber lets go of The Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': What? My magnificent beast outmatched by a puny, little pigeon? :'''Griffin''': It wasn't a pigeon. It was a ''falcon'', with silver wings. :'''Ruber''': ''[softly]'' Silver wings? ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary. ''[Yelling as he grabs The Griffin by the ear]'' You stupid animal! Where is the sword ''now''? :'''Griffin''': In a place of untold danger. :'''Ruber''': The Forbidden Forest. :'''Griffin''': Precisely, Master. :'''Ruber''': ''[runs his finger along the Griffin's beak and up to the top of his head and speaks softly]'' Have I told you today how magnificently and totally... worthless you are?! ''[He pulls off the Griffin's eyebrow, making him screech]'' Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! :''[He hears a horse neighing and sees Kayley riding towards the Forbidden Forest]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[screaming]'' Oh! The-the girl! :''[His "iron men" are clumsy]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to Bladebeak]'' You! You! And You! Fancy Feet! After her! And bring her back! ''[to the Griffin]'' And you... ''[he grabs the Griffin's head]'' you are going to lead me to ''[emphasizing the syllables]'' Excalibur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bladebeak''': Hey. We're not going in there, are we? :'''Minion''': Chicken. :'''Bladebeak''': But I got a wife and two eggs at home! Hey, don't leave me here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': ''[After Garrett saves her from Ruber's Iron Men]'' That was... incredible! How you, smashed those creatures! How you-you avoided that-that-that, thing! You're amazing! You're- :'''Garrett''': ''[Agrees uncaringly, as he looks over his ruined net]'' Mmhmm. :'''Kayley''': Not… even… listening to me! :'''Garrett''': Great, took me six weeks to make this net! :'''Kayley''': Net? You saved my life. Thank you. :'''Garrett''': Well, everyone can makes mistakes. :'''Kayley''': Oh, I get it. This is where King Arthur sends his unfunny jesters, right? :'''Garrett''': And now I'll thank you... :'''Kayley''': For what? :'''Garrett''': For reminding me why I'm a hermit! Good day! ''[Begins to walk away]'' :'''Kayley''': But wait! What's your name? :'''Garrett''': It's Garrett. :'''Kayley''': I'm Kayley! ''[Garrett seemingly continues to ignore her by walking on]'' Garrett! Why won't you look at me when I'm talking to you? ...Oh. Oh, I didn't realize you were... :'''Garrett''': What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome? :'''Kayley''': ''[Astonished]'' Blind. :'''Garrett''': ''[Chuckles lightly and replies sarcastically]'' ...You know, I always forget that one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': Have you got a cold? What is it? :'''Garrett''': We’re in Dragon Country. :'''Kayley''': Are you sure this is Dragon Country? I mean, shouldn't there be a sign or something? It could say, 'Welcome to Dragon Country.' ...You don't think we'll ''see'' any... do you...? Is a group of dragons a pack or a flock? Is it a gaggle or a pride? Is it a herd? :'''Garrett''': Quiet. :'''Kayley''': Do you hear something? :'''Garrett''': No, I just want you to be quiet. :'''Kayley''': ''[hands akimbo]'' Hmph! <hr width=50%/> :'''Cornwall''': Hey, hey, easy with the stick, buddy. :'''Garrett''': What are you? :'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kayley''': Stop bickering, and get your act together! :'''Devon''': Act? Did someone say Act? I can act! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during their song, but in speech]'' :'''Devon''': Trapped! Aah! Trapped! :'''Cornwall''': Stuck here with you for 500 years! :'''Devon''': Oh, dear, it's learned to count. :'''Cornwall''': If you'd got me a good lawyer, I would have split 400 years ago. :'''Devon''': Now, listen here, pal! I didn't come here to be insulted! :'''Cornwall''': Oh? Well, where do you usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, the good news is, we're out of Dragon Country. The bad news is, this is where we say goodbye. :'''Devon''': You can't leave us here! If we try to go back, we'll be banished! Ostracized. Exiled... :'''Cornwall''': Not to mention kicked out. :'''Kayley''': Why? :'''Cornwall''': Cause we just broke the dragons' cardinal rule! :'''Kayley''': Rule? :'''Devon''': What? Never wear brown shoes with the blue suit? :'''Cornwall''': No, you moron. Never help a human. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Kayley. We must make camp before dark. :'''Devon''': Camp? :'''Kayley''': ''Garrett''. Let's take them with us. Please. :'''Garrett''': Oh, I suppose so. But no more singing! :'''Devon''': How about interpretive dance? ''[Garrett sighs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Garrett''': Kayley, I must tell you, I knew your father. :'''Kayley''': You did? :'''Garrett''': I used to live in Camelot. ''[flashback]'' I was a stable boy, but I dreamt of becoming a knight. One evening, there was a fire. ''[Garrett opens the stable doors]'' I rushed to save the horses but, well… ''[A Horse hits Garrett in the eyes]'' I was hurt. At first, all I could see were shapes, then shadows. Finally, my world went black. ''[Garrett's vision blacks out. In the morning he tries to feel his way around; Sir Lionel sees him and grabs a stick]'' After I lost my sight ''[Sir Lionel passes Garrett the stick and teaches him to fight with it]'' Your father was the only one who still believed in me. He taught me that a knight's strength comes from his heart ''[Merlin and Ayden watch]'' and his loyalty to the Oath of Camelot. :'''Sir Lionel''': United we stand. :'''Both''': Now and forever. :'''Garrett''': Any hope I had of becoming a knight, died with him. :'''Kayley''': I felt that way too, but I knew he would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up either. You're as good as any knight in Camelot. :'''Garrett''': You really think so? <hr width=50%/> :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, we lost 'em again. :''[Ruber prepares to strike him; then looks up along the path]''. :'''Ruber''': Ah! That's where they went. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh. :'''Garrett''': What is it? :'''Kayley''': We've lost the tracks. :''[Noise]'' :'''Kayley''': Tell me that was your stomach. :'''Garrett''': ''[shakes head]'' It was the [[w:Ogre|Ogre]]. :'''Devon''': "Ogre"?! :'''Cornwall''': Well, see ya, good luck, have a nice life;–– whatever's left of it. :'''Kayley''': What's so scary about ogres? :''[the skeleton of a large animal falls into their midst]'' :'''Devon''': Their appetite! :'''Cornwall''': Oh, no; I think it's Uncle Yorick! :'''Devon''': Alas, poor Yorick! :'''Garrett''': ''[listening to Ayden the Falcon]'' Quick! Get out of the way! :''[The Ogre stamps on the skeleton, discards more bones, and drops an ornate sheath]'' :'''Kayley''': It's the scabbard from Excalibur! He ''does'' have the [[sword]]. :''[Later]'' :'''Garrett''': Ogres sleep in the day. We'll wait for him to fall asleep, then, we'll grab the sword! :'''Devon''': Define "We". :'''Garrett''': Shh! Quiet! The slightest noise and we're finished! :'''Devon''': ''[looks around at skeletons along the walls of the Ogre's lair]'' Hmm. Charming place. I must get the name of his decorator. :'''Garrett''': What's he doing? :'''Kayley''': I can't see him. :'''Garrett''': He's here; I can smell him. :''[The Ogre moves]''. :'''Kayley''': You're right; he is here. :'''Garrett''': Where's Excalibur? :'''Kayley''': ''[aghast]'' He's using it as a toothpick! :'''Garrett''': Tell me when he falls asleep. :''[The Ogre gives a yawn and noisily lies down]''. :'''Cornwall''': Let me guess: he fell asleep! :'''Garrett''': Describe the lay-out. :'''Kayley''': There's a ledge, just above the sword! But it's gotta be a twenty-foot drop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iron Crossbowman''': Hey boss! Look! There they are– :'''Ruber''': Shut up! (I hate ogres.) Walk this way. :'''Devon''': Oh, no, it's him. :'''Garrett''': Hey! :''[The Griffin sneezes; everyone gasps; the Ogre wakes]''. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh! Nap-time's over! Quick! Swing me back-and-forth! :'''Garrett''': Can you reach it? :'''Kayley''': I've got it! :''[Kayley & Co. escape. The Ogre pins the Iron Men to the wall, and sits on Ruber and the Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': The Ogre's butt! :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, at least things can't get any worse. :''[The ground begins to shake]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to the Griffin]'' Wanna bet? :''[Loud noise and gust of wind blowing Ruber and the Griffin over the heroes, who duck their heads and cover their noses as they run out of the Ogre's cave. Ruber and the Griffin crash into a cave wall]'' :'''Ruber''': Seize them! :'''Griffin''': ''[groaning, strained]'' Yes, Master. :'''Devon''': There's no way out! :'''Kayley''': There's one way out: you'll have to fly! :'''Devon''': We can't fly! (We explained that before our song). :''[Garrett seizes Kayley, Devon, & Cornwall and leaps with them into the canyon]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Ayden flies through the end of the forest, Kayley pulls back a branch to see Camelot in the distance]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! Oh Garrett, it's so beautiful! :'''Garrett''': Hmmm. :'''Kayley''': I wish you could see it. :'''Garrett''': I have seen it. And there was no place for me. ''[hands her Excalibur]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett, what's wrong? :'''Garrett''': Take Excalibur to Arthur. You don't have much time. ''[Turns back towards the Forbidden Forest. Kayley is confused. Devon and Cornwall are dumbfounded]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[Runs ahead of him, blocking his path]'' But we'll deliver the sword together. :'''Garrett''': No. You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world. ''[Moves past her]'' :'''Garrett''': Come on, Ayden. :'''Kayley''': ''[softly]'' But you belong in mine. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kayley is captured by Ruber and his Iron Men]'' :'''Ruber''': I'll take that. ''[takes Excalibur from its scabbard]'' Oh, ''[emphasizes the syllables of Excalibur and speaks softly]'' Excalibur! Mine! Forever! ''[to Kayley]'' You've been quite annoying... for a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Devon''': Kayley's been captured! :'''Cornwall''': And Ruber's got Excalibur! :'''Garrett''': What?! Take me to her! Come on, Ayden. :'''Cornwall''': They're halfway to Camelot by now. :'''Devon''': Oh, right! We've have to fly there to get there in [[time]]! Ruber drives me completely nuts! He makes me so mad, and angry! :'''Cornwall''': He's definitely a jerk; a giant jerk! :'''Devon''': The foulth [sic] of it! :'''Cornwall''': Wait 'til we get to Camelot. We'll show him a thing or two! Won't we? :'''Devon''': Yes! We darn well will! :'''Garrett''': ''[waves his staff under them]'' You're flying. :'''Devon''': Gosh! He's right. We are flying. :'''Cornwall''': ''I did it''! ''[showing off his biceps]'' I'm great. ''[kisses his biceps twice]'' I love me! I did it. :''[Devon hits him on the head]'' :'''Devon''': Excuse me, egomaniac, I think you mean I did it. :'''Cornwall''': No; careful! ''[They fall into a mud pool]'' :'''Garrett''': Don't you get it?! The only reason you can't fly is because you can't agree on anything! There must be something you can agree on. You both love Kayley, don't you? :''[Devon and Cornwall spit out mud, sigh, and look at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to a bunch of storm clouds, The Griffin flies from them in front of the camera and flies over it. The wagons are heading towards the drawbridge of Camelot as the storm clouds slowly circle the kingdom.]'' :'''Guard''': Wagons approaching! :''[Ruber has hidden himself in a black cape to disguise himself.]'' :'''Ruber''': [whispering] Not a word. And let's all keep our heads, shall we? :''[Juliana turns to the inside of the wagon to see that the Spike-Slinger Thug has tied Kayley's hands and holds his blade close to her neck. He laughs evilly when he does. Juliana gasped and turned back round to the front.]'' :'''Guard''': It's Lady Juliana, lower the bridge at once! [The drawbridge lowers. Ruber grins evilly as the wagons and himself enter Camelot. The camera zooms towards Arthur's bedroom tower] :'''African-Descendant Guard''': Pardon me, my king. Lady Juliana has payed us a surprise visit. :'''King Arthur''': Ah, good. ''[he rises from his chair]'' Tell her I'll receive her at the round table. :'''[Meanwhile, the wagons had arrived in Camelot. Ruber's minions have hidden themselves in the carts. Ruber looks around carefully to see if no-one is suspicious. A girl plays with her doll, as her dog barks happily, she drops the doll, until her mother picks it up and hands it back to her. Ruber's horse slows down]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[quietly]'' Steady, steady. :''[The residents walk around the wagons, as Ruber grins to himself, evilly. Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels goes over a rock, causing it to jolt. Kayley, who is now bound and gagged, kicks the thug with her legs, causing him to fall through the floor and scrapes himself on the tiles. Kayley dodges as the thugs pierces the wooden beams with his claws. Bladebeak had finished reconciling with his wife and turns to Kayley]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Ah! Bladebeak, at your service! ''[he uses his "beak" to slice off the ropes on Kayley's hands, and Kayley unties the gag. The wagons have come to a halt in front of the castle]'' :'''Knight''': Lady Juliana? :''[Kayley suddenly bursts out of the wagon]'' :'''Kayley''': Hey! It's a trap! :''[The residents and the knights gasp in fright, Ruber reveals himself and his horse neighs.]'' :'''Ruber''': ATTACK! :''[The knights gasp as Ruber charges on his horse towards them. Then, all of the thugs burst out of the wagons, scaring off the residents. Finally, the Spike-Slinger Thug, burst out of the wagon, slicing it, into pieces. Ruber slices most of the knights' spears and swords with Excalibur.]'' :'''Ruber''': SEAL OFF THE CASTLE! :''[Everyone ran for the lives. Ruber charges on his horse into the castle, and two of his thugs block up the front doors after Ruber went in. The knights charged towards the ironmen, but they were defeated. A knight tries to strike the mace-wielding thug with his sword, but the blade broke off in contact. Then a thug's grabs a knight and hurls him to a another knight, next to a pit of fiery coals. The knight crashed into the pit, knocking it over, spilling out the coals, causing fire to spread near the stables. The knights again, try to defeat the ironmen, but to no avail. A knight was thrown back.]'' :'''Knight''': Ruber has breached the castle keep, The king is still inside! :''[Kayley looks at the front doors that have now been blocked and then at the tower's scaffolding.]'' :'''Kayley''': Mother, I must help the King. :''[She head off to the scaffolding]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Don't worry, we'll be fine! [he grins, and his wife looks at him] :''[Kayley has made her way on the ramparts and tries to run across the scaffolding to get into the castle, but the Griffin flies in, and Kayley jumps off the scaffolding and out of the way as the Griffin smashes through the scaffolding. Then two thugs came from both sides of her and corner her on the rampart's edge. Then Kayley loses her balance, and seemingly falls off the ramparts and off-screen. Then after one second, Kayley is raised back up, and turns out that Garrett had broke her fall with his staff and is now on Devon and Cornwall who are now flying.]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett! You came back! :'''Garrett''': Heads up! ''[Garrett jumps down, and Kayley dodges as Devon and Cornwall swung their tail at the thugs, causing them to fall into the moat, screaming.]'' Sorry I'm late. I hate flying coach. :''[the two hug each other in reunion]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' You're flying! :'''Devon''': Yes, we are frequent fliers now! :''[Meanwhile, Arthur heads down the corridor to the Round Table Room]'' :'''King Arthur''': Juliana? :''[Then we cut to Ruber sitting in Arthur's damaged chair, waiting for him]'' :'''Ruber''': Ta-da! :'''King Arthur''': Ruber! :'''Ruber''': Pleased to see me? ''[After hearing the doors are being locked. Arthur grabs a nearby spear. Ruber walks up from the throne, hiding his arm with his cape.]'' A spear? ''[he chuckles mockingly]'' How [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]! A king would hold a nobler weapon! A king would hold ''[He pulls off his cape, revealing the bonded Excalibur on his hand]''... Excalibur! [Ruber twitches his eye] :''[We cut back to the ramparts]'' :'''Garrett''': Where's Ruber? :'''Kayley''': He has the king trapped inside, there's no way in! :'''Garrett''': The King... Wait, I know a way! Through the stables! :''[Suddenly, the Griffin flies into view, Kayley and Garrett gasp. But Ayden attacks the Griffin, causing the creature to chase the falcon off. Then, more of Ruber's minions are closing in.]'' :'''Kayley''': Give me your hand. ''[spotting a haystack cart with a horse] Jump! [Both Kayley and Garrett jump down from the rampart, and into the cart. Kayley lands in the hay, and Garrett lands in front and rides the cart off to the stables]'' Garrett, what're you doing?! :'''Garrett''': I'm driving! :'''Kayley''': You think that's a good idea?! :'''Garrett''': No problem! Hang on! :'''Kayley''': Oh, no, Garrett! Right! Right! Look out! :''[A sharp swerve, and they fall from the cart into the stables]'' :'''Garrett''': See, that wasn't so bad… was it? :'''Ruber''': ''[to Arthur]'' So many memories in this room… makes me wanna puke! You said, Everyone at this Table, was equal; well, I have something sweeter: [[revenge]]! :'''Garrett''': These tunnels lead to the Round Table. :'''Kayley''': I can't see! :'''Garrett''': Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. :'''Griffin''': ''[seizes Ayden]'' Finally, Silverwings; you're mine! :'''Devon''': Well, excuse me! :'''Cornwall''': Pick on somebody your own size. ''[to Devon]'' Let's barbecue this bully. :'''Devon''': I couldn't agree more! :''[They blow fire at the Griffin, who drops Ayden; Cornwall catches him]''. :'''Cornwall''': Hang on, little birdie! :''[Devon and Cornwall then chase off the Griffin by repeatedly breathe fire at him. Back in Camelot, Juliana is tending to as injured knight as Bladebeak and his wife watch on. Then the Mace-Wielding Thugs spins its mace-balls around, roaring. Bladebeak steps up to him]'' :'''Bladebeak''': You got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well, do ya punk?! :''[Bladebeak squawks as he jumps on the mace-wielding thug and starts to peck on his neck with his "beak". Bladebeak's wife turns to Juliana and points at him and then to herself, as if she was saying, "That's my man!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Isn't this everything you've ever wanted? :'''Garrett''': Well, not quite... everything... ''[they kiss; Devon blows kisses at Cornwall]'' :'''Cornwall''': Hey! Don't even think about it. :'''Merlin''': Well done, Ayden. ===She's On Way Day End Title Song=== Random ==Crazy credits== * Devon and Cornwall will be back in ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]''. ==Cast== * [[w:Jessalyn Gilsig| Jessalyn Gilsig]] — [[Kayley]] ** [[w:Andrea Corr|Andrea Corr]] (singing voice) ** [[w:Sarah Rayne|Sarah Rayne]] — Young Kayley * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — [[Garrett]] ** [[w:Bryan White|Bryan White]] (singing voice) * [[w:Gary Oldman|Gary Oldman]] — [[Baron Ruber|Ruber]] * [[w:Eric Idle|Eric Idle]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Devon]] * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Cornwall]] * [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] — [[Lady Juliana|Juliana]] ** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]] (singing voice) * [[Pierce Brosnan]] — [[King Arthur (Quest for Camelot)|King Arthur]] ** [[w:Steve Perry|Steve Perry]] (singing voice) * [[w:Bronson Pinchot|Bronson Pinchot]] — [[Griffin (Quest for Camelot)|The Griffin]] * [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] — [[Bladebeak]] * [[w:Gabriel Byrne|Gabriel Byrne]] — [[Sir Lionel]] * [[w:John Gielgud|John Gielgud]] — [[Merlin (Quest for Camelot)|Merlin]] * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — [[Ayden|Ayden the Falcon]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Films directed by Frederik Du Chau]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] otascrsaolevbypogvrvct7ii2v0ex4 3944524 3944523 2026-05-23T16:55:50Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944524 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Quest for Camelot|Quest for Camelot]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998 animated film]] from [[w:Warner Bros. Animation|Warner Bros. Animation]] about a young woman named Kayley who wants to be a knight of the Round Table in Camelot like her father, a blind young man named Garrett who wishes only to be left alone, and their quest to find [[Excalibur]]. It is loosely based on the novel ''[[w:The King's Damosel|The King's Damosel]]'' by [[w:Vera Chapman|Vera Chapman]]. :''Directed by [[w:Frederik Du Chau|Frederik Du Chau]]. Written by [[w:Kirk De Micco|Kirk De Micco]], [[w:Jacqueline Feather|Jacqueline Feather]], and [[w:David Seidler|David Seidler]]. {{center|'''Garrett & Kayley: A noble warrior and a brave girl find the magical sword.'''}} == [[King Arthur]] == * ''[After they all put Sir Lionel in the stone coffin with stone pillars at Lady Juliana's Farm. Tears run down Kayley's face as Arthur gives Sir Lionel's dented shield to Lady Juliana, who also cries]'' Your husband died saving my life. And saving Camelot. Lady Juliana, the gates of Camelot will always be open to you. ''[Addresses the others:]'' Sir Lionel was my most trusted knight. And also my dear, dear friend. We will always remember how he bravely upheld the ideals of Camelot. ''[He then takes out Excalibur and holds it in the air and the other knights take out their swords and hold them in the air in respect for their deceased knight.]'' * ''[Final lines]'' I dub thee, Sir Garrett. I dub thee, Lady Kayley. Thank you for saving Camelot. You have reminded us, the kingdom's strength… is not based in the strength of the king, but the strength of the people. From this day forward, you will both sit as Knights of the Round Table! ''[all cheer]'' ==Kayley== *''[after seeing her father ride off with the knights to Camelot]'' One day, I'll be a knight, like father. *''[to herself, lamenting on the normal everyday life after she and her mother disagree over her dreams of becoming a knight]'' How am I going to do great things if I'm stuck here with these silly chickens? *''[To Ruber, before she swings down with a large wooden beam to knock him away from the king]'' I will not serve a false king! ==Garrett== *''[His first lines, after Kayley falls into a swamp bed and gets tangled in a net]'' Hey! That's ''my'' net. *''[to Ayden]'' You don't understand. In Camelot, she'd only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything. ==Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed [[Dragon]]== *'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. ''[Explaining why they're "conjoined twin dragons"]'' Oh. ''Enchanté'', ''mademoiselle''. I'm Devon, and this ''growth'' on my neck is Cornwall. *'''Cornwall''': But you can call me "Corny", for short. ''[Meeting Kayley for the first time]'' *'''Devon''': ''[walking through The Ogre's "den" - filled with skeletons - sarcastically and quietly]'' ''Charming place''. I must get the name of his decorator. *'''Cornwall''': Tell ya what: next time, you try to fly, and we'll hold on! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Kayley, after Garrett has left the group]'' Forget about him. You're better off alone. He walks funny. He talks funny. People throw darts at him. *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, appalled]'' How can you be so cold-blooded?! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Devon]'' I'm a reptile. ''[He sticks his tongue out]'' *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, poking him]'' Listen, you Jurassic twit! Kayley deserves someone who will [[love]] her. ''[Devon performs the following actions upon Cornwall]'' Someone... who'll hold her in his arms, ''[he squeezes Cornwall's head until his eyes bulge]'' who'll run his fingers through her hair, ''[he runs his fingers across Cornwall's head]'' look deeply in her eyes, ''[holds Cornwall eye-to-eye, then releases him]'' and make her feel like a real woman! ''[He kisses Cornwall; both spit and splutter]'' ==Ruber== *''[After Arthur had repelled him with Excalibur]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and all will be mine! *''[To Juliana]'' I'm so glad you've noticed! I've been working at it for years! *''[after he used his magic potion to fasten Excalibur to his hand]'' Don't worry, little girl. I'll make sure Arthur gets it back. Or gets it ''in'' the back. ''[laughs]'' As the case may be! ''[Softly]'' Throw her into the wagon. *''[after Kayley stops him from attacking the king]'' You're in the way, just like your father! Since you're dying to be like him! ''[he swings Excalibur at her, but she dodges]'' Let's see if I can help you out! *''[his last words]'' Two, for the price of one! This must be my lucky day. Oh, no! The stone! ''[explosion; Ruber dies]'' ==Bladebeak== * ''[Covered in mud while one-eyed mosslike creatures are looking at him]'' [[Taxi Driver|Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?]] ''[The one-eyed stalk creatures disappear. He turns. The one-eyed creatures look at him again, but disappear as soon as he turns back to them]'' * Bladebeak, at your service! ''[Frees Kayley]'' * ''[confronting an iron man]'' You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel - clucky?" Well, do ya... punk? ''[He pecks the iron man]'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Come on. ''[While Sir Lionel is helping Lady Juliana getting off her horse.]'' Father! ''[As she jumps into her father's arms, they roll down onto a sandy beach.]'' Father, do you really have to go? :'''Sir Lionel''': I’m afraid I must, Kayley. You know the King’s Knights will be here soon. :'''Kayley''': Tell me again, why you became a knight. :'''Lady Juliana''': Kayley, you’ve heard it a thousand times! :'''Sir Lionel''': Oh, but it’s fine dear. Well, my daughter, before you were born, the land was dark and treacherous. ''[draws three circles in the sand with his finger]'' The people stood divided, brother fighting brother. ''[We go to a flashback, where at three stone pillars holding the magic sword, Excalibur.]'' The only hope for peace was in the legend of the sword Excalibur; for it was said, that only the true king could pull the magical sword from its stone, and unite the people. Many tried; all failed. ''[Everybody tries to pull out Excalibur, but to no avail, gave up]'' Then, on the very day you were born, ''[A young man emerges from the crowd]'' an unexpected hero stepped forth, his name was Arthur, ''[Arthur pulls out Excalibur, much to everybody's amazement]'' and he was that true king. With Excalibur at his side he led us out of the darkness ''[Years pass by, as a castle is being constructed]'' and together we built the greatest kingdom on Earth, ''[Everybody helped build a kingdom]'' everyone rejoiced. ''[All of Camelot's residents danced and formed the three interlocked rings, showing union and Kayley is dancing inside a drawn circle, where she is dreaming about Camelot]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[shows Kayley the shield representing the three rings]'' And so these three rings represent the unity of our people. As a knight, I took an oath to protect Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur. :'''Kayley''': The knights are here! :'''Sir Lionel''': I must go now, Kayley. The king has summoned his knights for a special day in Camelot. ''[kisses Lady Juliana and begins to ride off]'' Goodbye. :'''Kayley''': I’m coming with you, daddy! :'''Sir Lionel''': Yes, when you are old enough, Kayley. I will take you to Camelot. I promise. I love you. :'''Kayley''': One day, I will be a knight, like father. :'''Sir Lionel''': Let’s go! :''[The knights ride off as "Warner Bros. Presents" fades in and fades out. We pan upwards to the sky as the film title "Quest for Camelot" [or "The Magic Sword: Quest for Camelot" in some countries] fades in and fades out. The knights travels on their horses on the main road to Camelot as the opening credits appear. The knights travel three days without stopping on their way to Camelot like '''[[The Swan Princess|The Swan Princess]]''', '''[[The Sword in the Stone (1963 film)|The Sword in the Stone]]''', and '''[[Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped|Crash Bandicoot: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Knight Chorus'''': ''[singing]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. ''[The drawbridge lowers as "Directed by Frederik Du Chau" fades in and fades out and the knights go inside Camelot]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. :''[Sir Lionel passes a young boy who is seemly blind is practicing his skills. The knights are greeted by their friends. Arthur appears at the main entrance of the castle with his advisor Merlin.]'' :'''King Arthur''': ''[singing]'' It's been 10 years we celebrate, All that made our kingdom great, Liberty and justice for all, Each of us we now divide, for equal shares our countryside, promising equality for all we reside! :'''Knights of the Round Table''': United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand; brother to brother; no 1 shall be greater than all. ::[[Liberty]] – [[Justice]] – [[Trust]] ::[[Freedom]] – [[Peace]] – [[Honor]] ::[[Goodness]] – [[Strength]] – [[Valor]] :'''Ruber''': ME! ''[To Knights]'' ''Charming'' sing along. Now, let's get down to business. I waited a long time for this day. ''What about my new land?!'' :'''King Arthur''': Sir Ruber. Always thinking of yourself. As knights of the round table, our obligation is to the people, not to ourselves. The land will be divided according to each person’s needs. :'''Ruber''': Then I need more than everyone. I wouldn't have supported you all these years if I thought you were running a charity. :'''Sir Lionel''': The King has decided! :'''Ruber''': Then it's time for the new king, and I vote for me. :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[?; to Ruber]'' [[VeggieTales#Gideon: Tuba Warrior|I will not serve a false king.]] :'''Ruber''': Then serve... A DEAD 1! ''[Ruber draws a mace and leaps at Arthur; the other knights try to stop him, but he fights through them and strikes at Arthur, only to be disarmed and knocked flying by Excalibur.]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and ALL WILL BE MINE!! ''[He runs out of the room with the doors closing behind him as the knights throw spears at him. On the other side, Ruber barricades a door with a wooden beam before running off in exile as nine spears pierce the doors. Back in the room, the knights gather round Sir Lionel who is lying on the floor, motionless.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Arthur''': In the 10 years since Sir Lionel's [[w:death|death]], [[w:Egalitarianism|equality]] and [[w:freedom|freedom]] have spread throughout the lands. Excalibur has given us the strength to stand together against all injustice. Camelot has prospered beyond our greatest dreams- ''[Ruber's Griffin crashes into the tower roof]'' :'''Knight 4''': It's a Griffin. ''[The Griffin growls as King Arthur is about to reach Excalibur with his hand very slowly, but The Griffin grabs Excalibur with his beak, breaking a piece of the chair, and biting King Arthur's arm. The Griffin flies up from the round table as the other Knights start to charge and throw their swords at The Griffin]'' :'''Knight 5''': It's taken Excalibur! :'''Knight 6''': Arthur is wounded! :'''King Arthur''': Never mind me! Find Merlin and go after the sword! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ruber's men raid Lady Juliana and Kayley's home. Ruber enters, masked]'' :'''Ruber''': Knock Knock! :'''Lady Juliana''': Who-who are you? ''[Ruber takes off his helmet. Lady Juliana gasps]'' ''Ruber''! :'''Ruber''': Juliana. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd invade. How about a kiss? I hear you're still single. :'''Lady Juliana''': ''[She slaps his hand]'' ''Impertinent pig''! :'''Ruber''': Is that a No? :'''Lady Juliana''': I demand that you leave immediately! :'''Ruber''': ''So rude''! And after I came all this way. Just to see you. :'''Lady Juliana''': What do you want? :'''Ruber''': Camelot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ruber''': My faithful pet. How was the flight? Panic sweeps across the land. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': My plan is perfect. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Now, Excalibur is mine. :'''Griffin''': ''[grunts]'' Here's where we enter a gray area. Hmm. :''[Ruber grabs The Griffin by the ruff of his neck, making him groan]'' :'''Ruber''': Excuse me? You ''lost'' Excalibur? How?! :'''Griffin''': I was attacked by a falcon. :''[Ruber lets go of The Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': What? My magnificent beast outmatched by a puny, little pigeon? :'''Griffin''': It wasn't a pigeon. It was a ''falcon'', with silver wings. :'''Ruber''': ''[softly]'' Silver wings? ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary. ''[Yelling as he grabs The Griffin by the ear]'' You stupid animal! Where is the sword ''now''? :'''Griffin''': In a place of untold danger. :'''Ruber''': The Forbidden Forest. :'''Griffin''': Precisely, Master. :'''Ruber''': ''[runs his finger along the Griffin's beak and up to the top of his head and speaks softly]'' Have I told you today how magnificently and totally... worthless you are?! ''[He pulls off the Griffin's eyebrow, making him screech]'' Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! :''[He hears a horse neighing and sees Kayley riding towards the Forbidden Forest]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[screaming]'' Oh! The-the girl! :''[His "iron men" are clumsy]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to Bladebeak]'' You! You! And You! Fancy Feet! After her! And bring her back! ''[to the Griffin]'' And you... ''[he grabs the Griffin's head]'' you are going to lead me to ''[emphasizing the syllables]'' Excalibur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bladebeak''': Hey. We're not going in there, are we? :'''Minion''': Chicken. :'''Bladebeak''': But I got a wife and two eggs at home! Hey, don't leave me here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': ''[After Garrett saves her from Ruber's Iron Men]'' That was... incredible! How you, smashed those creatures! How you-you avoided that-that-that, thing! You're amazing! You're- :'''Garrett''': ''[Agrees uncaringly, as he looks over his ruined net]'' Mmhmm. :'''Kayley''': Not… even… listening to me! :'''Garrett''': Great, took me six weeks to make this net! :'''Kayley''': Net? You saved my life. Thank you. :'''Garrett''': Well, everyone can makes mistakes. :'''Kayley''': Oh, I get it. This is where King Arthur sends his unfunny jesters, right? :'''Garrett''': And now I'll thank you... :'''Kayley''': For what? :'''Garrett''': For reminding me why I'm a hermit! Good day! ''[Begins to walk away]'' :'''Kayley''': But wait! What's your name? :'''Garrett''': It's Garrett. :'''Kayley''': I'm Kayley! ''[Garrett seemingly continues to ignore her by walking on]'' Garrett! Why won't you look at me when I'm talking to you? ...Oh. Oh, I didn't realize you were... :'''Garrett''': What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome? :'''Kayley''': ''[Astonished]'' Blind. :'''Garrett''': ''[Chuckles lightly and replies sarcastically]'' ...You know, I always forget that one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': Have you got a cold? What is it? :'''Garrett''': We’re in Dragon Country. :'''Kayley''': Are you sure this is Dragon Country? I mean, shouldn't there be a sign or something? It could say, 'Welcome to Dragon Country.' ...You don't think we'll ''see'' any... do you...? Is a group of dragons a pack or a flock? Is it a gaggle or a pride? Is it a herd? :'''Garrett''': Quiet. :'''Kayley''': Do you hear something? :'''Garrett''': No, I just want you to be quiet. :'''Kayley''': ''[hands akimbo]'' Hmph! <hr width=50%/> :'''Cornwall''': Hey, hey, easy with the stick, buddy. :'''Garrett''': What are you? :'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kayley''': Stop bickering, and get your act together! :'''Devon''': Act? Did someone say Act? I can act! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during their song, but in speech]'' :'''Devon''': Trapped! Aah! Trapped! :'''Cornwall''': Stuck here with you for 500 years! :'''Devon''': Oh, dear, it's learned to count. :'''Cornwall''': If you'd got me a good lawyer, I would have split 400 years ago. :'''Devon''': Now, listen here, pal! I didn't come here to be insulted! :'''Cornwall''': Oh? Well, where do you usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, the good news is, we're out of Dragon Country. The bad news is, this is where we say goodbye. :'''Devon''': You can't leave us here! If we try to go back, we'll be banished! Ostracized. Exiled... :'''Cornwall''': Not to mention kicked out. :'''Kayley''': Why? :'''Cornwall''': Cause we just broke the dragons' cardinal rule! :'''Kayley''': Rule? :'''Devon''': What? Never wear brown shoes with the blue suit? :'''Cornwall''': No, you moron. Never help a human. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Kayley. We must make camp before dark. :'''Devon''': Camp? :'''Kayley''': ''Garrett''. Let's take them with us. Please. :'''Garrett''': Oh, I suppose so. But no more singing! :'''Devon''': How about interpretive dance? ''[Garrett sighs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Garrett''': Kayley, I must tell you, I knew your father. :'''Kayley''': You did? :'''Garrett''': I used to live in Camelot. ''[flashback]'' I was a stable boy, but I dreamt of becoming a knight. One evening, there was a fire. ''[Garrett opens the stable doors]'' I rushed to save the horses but, well… ''[A Horse hits Garrett in the eyes]'' I was hurt. At first, all I could see were shapes, then shadows. Finally, my world went black. ''[Garrett's vision blacks out. In the morning he tries to feel his way around; Sir Lionel sees him and grabs a stick]'' After I lost my sight ''[Sir Lionel passes Garrett the stick and teaches him to fight with it]'' Your father was the only one who still believed in me. He taught me that a knight's strength comes from his heart ''[Merlin and Ayden watch]'' and his loyalty to the Oath of Camelot. :'''Sir Lionel''': United we stand. :'''Both''': Now and forever. :'''Garrett''': Any hope I had of becoming a knight, died with him. :'''Kayley''': I felt that way too, but I knew he would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up either. You're as good as any knight in Camelot. :'''Garrett''': You really think so? <hr width=50%/> :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, we lost 'em again. :''[Ruber prepares to strike him; then looks up along the path]''. :'''Ruber''': Ah! That's where they went. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh. :'''Garrett''': What is it? :'''Kayley''': We've lost the tracks. :''[Noise]'' :'''Kayley''': Tell me that was your stomach. :'''Garrett''': ''[shakes head]'' It was the [[w:Ogre|Ogre]]. :'''Devon''': "Ogre"?! :'''Cornwall''': Well, see ya, good luck, have a nice life;–– whatever's left of it. :'''Kayley''': What's so scary about ogres? :''[the skeleton of a large animal falls into their midst]'' :'''Devon''': Their appetite! :'''Cornwall''': Oh, no; I think it's Uncle Yorick! :'''Devon''': Alas, poor Yorick! :'''Garrett''': ''[listening to Ayden the Falcon]'' Quick! Get out of the way! :''[The Ogre stamps on the skeleton, discards more bones, and drops an ornate sheath]'' :'''Kayley''': It's the scabbard from Excalibur! He ''does'' have the [[sword]]. :''[Later]'' :'''Garrett''': Ogres sleep in the day. We'll wait for him to fall asleep, then, we'll grab the sword! :'''Devon''': Define "We". :'''Garrett''': Shh! Quiet! The slightest noise and we're finished! :'''Devon''': ''[looks around at skeletons along the walls of the Ogre's lair]'' Hmm. Charming place. I must get the name of his decorator. :'''Garrett''': What's he doing? :'''Kayley''': I can't see him. :'''Garrett''': He's here; I can smell him. :''[The Ogre moves]''. :'''Kayley''': You're right; he is here. :'''Garrett''': Where's Excalibur? :'''Kayley''': ''[aghast]'' He's using it as a toothpick! :'''Garrett''': Tell me when he falls asleep. :''[The Ogre gives a yawn and noisily lies down]''. :'''Cornwall''': Let me guess: he fell asleep! :'''Garrett''': Describe the lay-out. :'''Kayley''': There's a ledge, just above the sword! But it's gotta be a twenty-foot drop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iron Crossbowman''': Hey boss! Look! There they are– :'''Ruber''': Shut up! (I hate ogres.) Walk this way. :'''Devon''': Oh, no, it's him. :'''Garrett''': Hey! :''[The Griffin sneezes; everyone gasps; the Ogre wakes]''. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh! Nap-time's over! Quick! Swing me back-and-forth! :'''Garrett''': Can you reach it? :'''Kayley''': I've got it! :''[Kayley & Co. escape. The Ogre pins the Iron Men to the wall, and sits on Ruber and the Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': The Ogre's butt! :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, at least things can't get any worse. :''[The ground begins to shake]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to the Griffin]'' Wanna bet? :''[Loud noise and gust of wind blowing Ruber and the Griffin over the heroes, who duck their heads and cover their noses as they run out of the Ogre's cave. Ruber and the Griffin crash into a cave wall]'' :'''Ruber''': Seize them! :'''Griffin''': ''[groaning, strained]'' Yes, Master. :'''Devon''': There's no way out! :'''Kayley''': There's one way out: you'll have to fly! :'''Devon''': We can't fly! (We explained that before our song). :''[Garrett seizes Kayley, Devon, & Cornwall and leaps with them into the canyon]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Ayden flies through the end of the forest, Kayley pulls back a branch to see Camelot in the distance]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! Oh Garrett, it's so beautiful! :'''Garrett''': Hmmm. :'''Kayley''': I wish you could see it. :'''Garrett''': I have seen it. And there was no place for me. ''[hands her Excalibur]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett, what's wrong? :'''Garrett''': Take Excalibur to Arthur. You don't have much time. ''[Turns back towards the Forbidden Forest. Kayley is confused. Devon and Cornwall are dumbfounded]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[Runs ahead of him, blocking his path]'' But we'll deliver the sword together. :'''Garrett''': No. You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world. ''[Moves past her]'' :'''Garrett''': Come on, Ayden. :'''Kayley''': ''[softly]'' But you belong in mine. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kayley is captured by Ruber and his Iron Men]'' :'''Ruber''': I'll take that. ''[takes Excalibur from its scabbard]'' Oh, ''[emphasizes the syllables of Excalibur and speaks softly]'' Excalibur! Mine! Forever! ''[to Kayley]'' You've been quite annoying... for a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Devon''': Kayley's been captured! :'''Cornwall''': And Ruber's got Excalibur! :'''Garrett''': What?! Take me to her! Come on, Ayden. :'''Cornwall''': They're halfway to Camelot by now. :'''Devon''': Oh, right! We've have to fly there to get there in [[time]]! Ruber drives me completely nuts! He makes me so mad, and angry! :'''Cornwall''': He's definitely a jerk; a giant jerk! :'''Devon''': The foulth [sic] of it! :'''Cornwall''': Wait 'til we get to Camelot. We'll show him a thing or two! Won't we? :'''Devon''': Yes! We darn well will! :'''Garrett''': ''[waves his staff under them]'' You're flying. :'''Devon''': Gosh! He's right. We are flying. :'''Cornwall''': ''I did it''! ''[showing off his biceps]'' I'm great. ''[kisses his biceps twice]'' I love me! I did it. :''[Devon hits him on the head]'' :'''Devon''': Excuse me, egomaniac, I think you mean I did it. :'''Cornwall''': No; careful! ''[They fall into a mud pool]'' :'''Garrett''': Don't you get it?! The only reason you can't fly is because you can't agree on anything! There must be something you can agree on. You both love Kayley, don't you? :''[Devon and Cornwall spit out mud, sigh, and look at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to a bunch of storm clouds, The Griffin flies from them in front of the camera and flies over it. The wagons are heading towards the drawbridge of Camelot as the storm clouds slowly circle the kingdom.]'' :'''Guard''': Wagons approaching! :''[Ruber has hidden himself in a black cape to disguise himself.]'' :'''Ruber''': [whispering] Not a word. And let's all keep our heads, shall we? :''[Juliana turns to the inside of the wagon to see that the Spike-Slinger Thug has tied Kayley's hands and holds his blade close to her neck. He laughs evilly when he does. Juliana gasped and turned back round to the front.]'' :'''Guard''': It's Lady Juliana, lower the bridge at once! :''[The drawbridge lowers. Ruber grins evilly as the wagons and himself enter Camelot. The camera zooms towards Arthur's bedroom tower]'' :'''African-Descendant Guard''': Pardon me, my king. Lady Juliana has payed us a surprise visit. :'''King Arthur''': Ah, good. ''[he rises from his chair]'' Tell her I'll receive her at the round table. :'''[Meanwhile, the wagons had arrived in Camelot. Ruber's minions have hidden themselves in the carts. Ruber looks around carefully to see if no-one is suspicious. A girl plays with her doll, as her dog barks happily, she drops the doll, until her mother picks it up and hands it back to her. Ruber's horse slows down]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[quietly]'' Steady, steady. :''[The residents walk around the wagons, as Ruber grins to himself, evilly. Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels goes over a rock, causing it to jolt. Kayley, who is now bound and gagged, kicks the thug with her legs, causing him to fall through the floor and scrapes himself on the tiles. Kayley dodges as the thugs pierces the wooden beams with his claws. Bladebeak had finished reconciling with his wife and turns to Kayley]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Ah! Bladebeak, at your service! ''[he uses his "beak" to slice off the ropes on Kayley's hands, and Kayley unties the gag. The wagons have come to a halt in front of the castle]'' :'''Knight''': Lady Juliana? :''[Kayley suddenly bursts out of the wagon]'' :'''Kayley''': Hey! It's a trap! :''[The residents and the knights gasp in fright, Ruber reveals himself and his horse neighs.]'' :'''Ruber''': ATTACK! :''[The knights gasp as Ruber charges on his horse towards them. Then, all of the thugs burst out of the wagons, scaring off the residents. Finally, the Spike-Slinger Thug, burst out of the wagon, slicing it, into pieces. Ruber slices most of the knights' spears and swords with Excalibur.]'' :'''Ruber''': SEAL OFF THE CASTLE! :''[Everyone ran for the lives. Ruber charges on his horse into the castle, and two of his thugs block up the front doors after Ruber went in. The knights charged towards the ironmen, but they were defeated. A knight tries to strike the mace-wielding thug with his sword, but the blade broke off in contact. Then a thug's grabs a knight and hurls him to a another knight, next to a pit of fiery coals. The knight crashed into the pit, knocking it over, spilling out the coals, causing fire to spread near the stables. The knights again, try to defeat the ironmen, but to no avail. A knight was thrown back.]'' :'''Knight''': Ruber has breached the castle keep, The king is still inside! :''[Kayley looks at the front doors that have now been blocked and then at the tower's scaffolding.]'' :'''Kayley''': Mother, I must help the King. :''[She head off to the scaffolding]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Don't worry, we'll be fine! [he grins, and his wife looks at him] :''[Kayley has made her way on the ramparts and tries to run across the scaffolding to get into the castle, but the Griffin flies in, and Kayley jumps off the scaffolding and out of the way as the Griffin smashes through the scaffolding. Then two thugs came from both sides of her and corner her on the rampart's edge. Then Kayley loses her balance, and seemingly falls off the ramparts and off-screen. Then after one second, Kayley is raised back up, and turns out that Garrett had broke her fall with his staff and is now on Devon and Cornwall who are now flying.]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett! You came back! :'''Garrett''': Heads up! ''[Garrett jumps down, and Kayley dodges as Devon and Cornwall swung their tail at the thugs, causing them to fall into the moat, screaming.]'' Sorry I'm late. I hate flying coach. :''[the two hug each other in reunion]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' You're flying! :'''Devon''': Yes, we are frequent fliers now! :''[Meanwhile, Arthur heads down the corridor to the Round Table Room]'' :'''King Arthur''': Juliana? :''[Then we cut to Ruber sitting in Arthur's damaged chair, waiting for him]'' :'''Ruber''': Ta-da! :'''King Arthur''': Ruber! :'''Ruber''': Pleased to see me? ''[After hearing the doors are being locked. Arthur grabs a nearby spear. Ruber walks up from the throne, hiding his arm with his cape.]'' A spear? ''[he chuckles mockingly]'' How [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]! A king would hold a nobler weapon! A king would hold ''[He pulls off his cape, revealing the bonded Excalibur on his hand]''... Excalibur! [Ruber twitches his eye] :''[We cut back to the ramparts]'' :'''Garrett''': Where's Ruber? :'''Kayley''': He has the king trapped inside, there's no way in! :'''Garrett''': The King... Wait, I know a way! Through the stables! :''[Suddenly, the Griffin flies into view, Kayley and Garrett gasp. But Ayden attacks the Griffin, causing the creature to chase the falcon off. Then, more of Ruber's minions are closing in.]'' :'''Kayley''': Give me your hand. ''[spotting a haystack cart with a horse] Jump! [Both Kayley and Garrett jump down from the rampart, and into the cart. Kayley lands in the hay, and Garrett lands in front and rides the cart off to the stables]'' Garrett, what're you doing?! :'''Garrett''': I'm driving! :'''Kayley''': You think that's a good idea?! :'''Garrett''': No problem! Hang on! :'''Kayley''': Oh, no, Garrett! Right! Right! Look out! :''[A sharp swerve, and they fall from the cart into the stables]'' :'''Garrett''': See, that wasn't so bad… was it? :'''Ruber''': ''[to Arthur]'' So many memories in this room… makes me wanna puke! You said, Everyone at this Table, was equal; well, I have something sweeter: [[revenge]]! :'''Garrett''': These tunnels lead to the Round Table. :'''Kayley''': I can't see! :'''Garrett''': Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. :'''Griffin''': ''[seizes Ayden]'' Finally, Silverwings; you're mine! :'''Devon''': Well, excuse me! :'''Cornwall''': Pick on somebody your own size. ''[to Devon]'' Let's barbecue this bully. :'''Devon''': I couldn't agree more! :''[They blow fire at the Griffin, who drops Ayden; Cornwall catches him]''. :'''Cornwall''': Hang on, little birdie! :''[Devon and Cornwall then chase off the Griffin by repeatedly breathe fire at him. Back in Camelot, Juliana is tending to as injured knight as Bladebeak and his wife watch on. Then the Mace-Wielding Thugs spins its mace-balls around, roaring. Bladebeak steps up to him]'' :'''Bladebeak''': You got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well, do ya punk?! :''[Bladebeak squawks as he jumps on the mace-wielding thug and starts to peck on his neck with his "beak". Bladebeak's wife turns to Juliana and points at him and then to herself, as if she was saying, "That's my man!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Isn't this everything you've ever wanted? :'''Garrett''': Well, not quite... everything... ''[they kiss; Devon blows kisses at Cornwall]'' :'''Cornwall''': Hey! Don't even think about it. :'''Merlin''': Well done, Ayden. ===She's On Way Day End Title Song=== Random ==Crazy credits== * Devon and Cornwall will be back in ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]''. ==Cast== * [[w:Jessalyn Gilsig| Jessalyn Gilsig]] — [[Kayley]] ** [[w:Andrea Corr|Andrea Corr]] (singing voice) ** [[w:Sarah Rayne|Sarah Rayne]] — Young Kayley * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — [[Garrett]] ** [[w:Bryan White|Bryan White]] (singing voice) * [[w:Gary Oldman|Gary Oldman]] — [[Baron Ruber|Ruber]] * [[w:Eric Idle|Eric Idle]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Devon]] * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Cornwall]] * [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] — [[Lady Juliana|Juliana]] ** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]] (singing voice) * [[Pierce Brosnan]] — [[King Arthur (Quest for Camelot)|King Arthur]] ** [[w:Steve Perry|Steve Perry]] (singing voice) * [[w:Bronson Pinchot|Bronson Pinchot]] — [[Griffin (Quest for Camelot)|The Griffin]] * [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] — [[Bladebeak]] * [[w:Gabriel Byrne|Gabriel Byrne]] — [[Sir Lionel]] * [[w:John Gielgud|John Gielgud]] — [[Merlin (Quest for Camelot)|Merlin]] * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — [[Ayden|Ayden the Falcon]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Films directed by Frederik Du Chau]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] hfwt0as06npfmq8wuuw6kiwdd9ujduu 3944525 3944524 2026-05-23T16:56:23Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944525 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Quest for Camelot|Quest for Camelot]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998 animated film]] from [[w:Warner Bros. Animation|Warner Bros. Animation]] about a young woman named Kayley who wants to be a knight of the Round Table in Camelot like her father, a blind young man named Garrett who wishes only to be left alone, and their quest to find [[Excalibur]]. It is loosely based on the novel ''[[w:The King's Damosel|The King's Damosel]]'' by [[w:Vera Chapman|Vera Chapman]]. :''Directed by [[w:Frederik Du Chau|Frederik Du Chau]]. Written by [[w:Kirk De Micco|Kirk De Micco]], [[w:Jacqueline Feather|Jacqueline Feather]], and [[w:David Seidler|David Seidler]]. {{center|'''Garrett & Kayley: A noble warrior and a brave girl find the magical sword.'''}} == [[King Arthur]] == * ''[After they all put Sir Lionel in the stone coffin with stone pillars at Lady Juliana's Farm. Tears run down Kayley's face as Arthur gives Sir Lionel's dented shield to Lady Juliana, who also cries]'' Your husband died saving my life. And saving Camelot. Lady Juliana, the gates of Camelot will always be open to you. ''[Addresses the others:]'' Sir Lionel was my most trusted knight. And also my dear, dear friend. We will always remember how he bravely upheld the ideals of Camelot. ''[He then takes out Excalibur and holds it in the air and the other knights take out their swords and hold them in the air in respect for their deceased knight.]'' * ''[Final lines]'' I dub thee, Sir Garrett. I dub thee, Lady Kayley. Thank you for saving Camelot. You have reminded us, the kingdom's strength… is not based in the strength of the king, but the strength of the people. From this day forward, you will both sit as Knights of the Round Table! ''[all cheer]'' ==Kayley== *''[after seeing her father ride off with the knights to Camelot]'' One day, I'll be a knight, like father. *''[to herself, lamenting on the normal everyday life after she and her mother disagree over her dreams of becoming a knight]'' How am I going to do great things if I'm stuck here with these silly chickens? *''[To Ruber, before she swings down with a large wooden beam to knock him away from the king]'' I will not serve a false king! ==Garrett== *''[His first lines, after Kayley falls into a swamp bed and gets tangled in a net]'' Hey! That's ''my'' net. *''[to Ayden]'' You don't understand. In Camelot, she'd only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything. ==Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed [[Dragon]]== *'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. ''[Explaining why they're "conjoined twin dragons"]'' Oh. ''Enchanté'', ''mademoiselle''. I'm Devon, and this ''growth'' on my neck is Cornwall. *'''Cornwall''': But you can call me "Corny", for short. ''[Meeting Kayley for the first time]'' *'''Devon''': ''[walking through The Ogre's "den" - filled with skeletons - sarcastically and quietly]'' ''Charming place''. I must get the name of his decorator. *'''Cornwall''': Tell ya what: next time, you try to fly, and we'll hold on! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Kayley, after Garrett has left the group]'' Forget about him. You're better off alone. He walks funny. He talks funny. People throw darts at him. *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, appalled]'' How can you be so cold-blooded?! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Devon]'' I'm a reptile. ''[He sticks his tongue out]'' *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, poking him]'' Listen, you Jurassic twit! Kayley deserves someone who will [[love]] her. ''[Devon performs the following actions upon Cornwall]'' Someone... who'll hold her in his arms, ''[he squeezes Cornwall's head until his eyes bulge]'' who'll run his fingers through her hair, ''[he runs his fingers across Cornwall's head]'' look deeply in her eyes, ''[holds Cornwall eye-to-eye, then releases him]'' and make her feel like a real woman! ''[He kisses Cornwall; both spit and splutter]'' ==Ruber== *''[After Arthur had repelled him with Excalibur]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and all will be mine! *''[To Juliana]'' I'm so glad you've noticed! I've been working at it for years! *''[after he used his magic potion to fasten Excalibur to his hand]'' Don't worry, little girl. I'll make sure Arthur gets it back. Or gets it ''in'' the back. ''[laughs]'' As the case may be! ''[Softly]'' Throw her into the wagon. *''[after Kayley stops him from attacking the king]'' You're in the way, just like your father! Since you're dying to be like him! ''[he swings Excalibur at her, but she dodges]'' Let's see if I can help you out! *''[his last words]'' Two, for the price of one! This must be my lucky day. Oh, no! The stone! ''[explosion; Ruber dies]'' ==Bladebeak== * ''[Covered in mud while one-eyed mosslike creatures are looking at him]'' [[Taxi Driver|Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?]] ''[The one-eyed stalk creatures disappear. He turns. The one-eyed creatures look at him again, but disappear as soon as he turns back to them]'' * Bladebeak, at your service! ''[Frees Kayley]'' * ''[confronting an iron man]'' You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel - clucky?" Well, do ya... punk? ''[He pecks the iron man]'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Come on. ''[While Sir Lionel is helping Lady Juliana getting off her horse.]'' Father! ''[As she jumps into her father's arms, they roll down onto a sandy beach.]'' Father, do you really have to go? :'''Sir Lionel''': I’m afraid I must, Kayley. You know the King’s Knights will be here soon. :'''Kayley''': Tell me again, why you became a knight. :'''Lady Juliana''': Kayley, you’ve heard it a thousand times! :'''Sir Lionel''': Oh, but it’s fine dear. Well, my daughter, before you were born, the land was dark and treacherous. ''[draws three circles in the sand with his finger]'' The people stood divided, brother fighting brother. ''[We go to a flashback, where at three stone pillars holding the magic sword, Excalibur.]'' The only hope for peace was in the legend of the sword Excalibur; for it was said, that only the true king could pull the magical sword from its stone, and unite the people. Many tried; all failed. ''[Everybody tries to pull out Excalibur, but to no avail, gave up]'' Then, on the very day you were born, ''[A young man emerges from the crowd]'' an unexpected hero stepped forth, his name was Arthur, ''[Arthur pulls out Excalibur, much to everybody's amazement]'' and he was that true king. With Excalibur at his side he led us out of the darkness ''[Years pass by, as a castle is being constructed]'' and together we built the greatest kingdom on Earth, ''[Everybody helped build a kingdom]'' everyone rejoiced. ''[All of Camelot's residents danced and formed the three interlocked rings, showing union and Kayley is dancing inside a drawn circle, where she is dreaming about Camelot]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[shows Kayley the shield representing the three rings]'' And so these three rings represent the unity of our people. As a knight, I took an oath to protect Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur. :'''Kayley''': The knights are here! :'''Sir Lionel''': I must go now, Kayley. The king has summoned his knights for a special day in Camelot. ''[kisses Lady Juliana and begins to ride off]'' Goodbye. :'''Kayley''': I’m coming with you, daddy! :'''Sir Lionel''': Yes, when you are old enough, Kayley. I will take you to Camelot. I promise. I love you. :'''Kayley''': One day, I will be a knight, like father. :'''Sir Lionel''': Let’s go! :''[The knights ride off as "Warner Bros. Presents" fades in and fades out. We pan upwards to the sky as the film title "Quest for Camelot" [or "The Magic Sword: Quest for Camelot" in some countries] fades in and fades out. The knights travels on their horses on the main road to Camelot as the opening credits appear. The knights travel three days without stopping on their way to Camelot like '''[[The Swan Princess|The Swan Princess]]''', '''[[The Sword in the Stone (1963 film)|The Sword in the Stone]]''', and '''[[Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped|Crash Bandicoot: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Knight Chorus'''': ''[singing]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. ''[The drawbridge lowers as "Directed by Frederik Du Chau" fades in and fades out and the knights go inside Camelot]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. :''[Sir Lionel passes a young boy who is seemly blind is practicing his skills. The knights are greeted by their friends. Arthur appears at the main entrance of the castle with his advisor Merlin.]'' :'''King Arthur''': ''[singing]'' It's been 10 years we celebrate, All that made our kingdom great, Liberty and justice for all, Each of us we now divide, for equal shares our countryside, promising equality for all we reside! :'''Knights of the Round Table''': United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand; brother to brother; no 1 shall be greater than all. ::[[Liberty]] – [[Justice]] – [[Trust]] ::[[Freedom]] – [[Peace]] – [[Honor]] ::[[Goodness]] – [[Strength]] – [[Valor]] :'''Ruber''': ME! ''[To Knights]'' ''Charming'' sing along. Now, let's get down to business. I waited a long time for this day. ''What about my new land?!'' :'''King Arthur''': Sir Ruber. Always thinking of yourself. As knights of the round table, our obligation is to the people, not to ourselves. The land will be divided according to each person’s needs. :'''Ruber''': Then I need more than everyone. I wouldn't have supported you all these years if I thought you were running a charity. :'''Sir Lionel''': The King has decided! :'''Ruber''': Then it's time for the new king, and I vote for me. :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[?; to Ruber]'' [[VeggieTales#Gideon: Tuba Warrior|I will not serve a false king.]] :'''Ruber''': Then serve... A DEAD 1! ''[Ruber draws a mace and leaps at Arthur; the other knights try to stop him, but he fights through them and strikes at Arthur, only to be disarmed and knocked flying by Excalibur.]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and ALL WILL BE MINE!! ''[He runs out of the room with the doors closing behind him as the knights throw spears at him. On the other side, Ruber barricades a door with a wooden beam before running off in exile as nine spears pierce the doors. Back in the room, the knights gather round Sir Lionel who is lying on the floor, motionless.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Arthur''': In the 10 years since Sir Lionel's [[w:death|death]], [[w:Egalitarianism|equality]] and [[w:freedom|freedom]] have spread throughout the lands. Excalibur has given us the strength to stand together against all injustice. Camelot has prospered beyond our greatest dreams- ''[Ruber's Griffin crashes into the tower roof]'' :'''Knight 4''': It's a Griffin. ''[The Griffin growls as King Arthur is about to reach Excalibur with his hand very slowly, but The Griffin grabs Excalibur with his beak, breaking a piece of the chair, and biting King Arthur's arm. The Griffin flies up from the round table as the other Knights start to charge and throw their swords at The Griffin]'' :'''Knight 5''': It's taken Excalibur! :'''Knight 6''': Arthur is wounded! :'''King Arthur''': Never mind me! Find Merlin and go after the sword! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ruber's men raid Lady Juliana and Kayley's home. Ruber enters, masked]'' :'''Ruber''': Knock Knock! :'''Lady Juliana''': Who-who are you? ''[Ruber takes off his helmet. Lady Juliana gasps]'' ''Ruber''! :'''Ruber''': Juliana. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd invade. How about a kiss? I hear you're still single. :'''Lady Juliana''': ''[She slaps his hand]'' ''Impertinent pig''! :'''Ruber''': Is that a No? :'''Lady Juliana''': I demand that you leave immediately! :'''Ruber''': ''So rude''! And after I came all this way. Just to see you. :'''Lady Juliana''': What do you want? :'''Ruber''': Camelot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ruber''': My faithful pet. How was the flight? Panic sweeps across the land. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': My plan is perfect. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Now, Excalibur is mine. :'''Griffin''': ''[grunts]'' Here's where we enter a gray area. Hmm. :''[Ruber grabs The Griffin by the ruff of his neck, making him groan]'' :'''Ruber''': Excuse me? You ''lost'' Excalibur? How?! :'''Griffin''': I was attacked by a falcon. :''[Ruber lets go of The Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': What? My magnificent beast outmatched by a puny, little pigeon? :'''Griffin''': It wasn't a pigeon. It was a ''falcon'', with silver wings. :'''Ruber''': ''[softly]'' Silver wings? ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary. ''[Yelling as he grabs The Griffin by the ear]'' You stupid animal! Where is the sword ''now''? :'''Griffin''': In a place of untold danger. :'''Ruber''': The Forbidden Forest. :'''Griffin''': Precisely, Master. :'''Ruber''': ''[runs his finger along the Griffin's beak and up to the top of his head and speaks softly]'' Have I told you today how magnificently and totally... worthless you are?! ''[He pulls off the Griffin's eyebrow, making him screech]'' Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! :''[He hears a horse neighing and sees Kayley riding towards the Forbidden Forest]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[screaming]'' Oh! The-the girl! :''[His "iron men" are clumsy]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to Bladebeak]'' You! You! And You! Fancy Feet! After her! And bring her back! ''[to the Griffin]'' And you... ''[he grabs the Griffin's head]'' you are going to lead me to ''[emphasizing the syllables]'' Excalibur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bladebeak''': Hey. We're not going in there, are we? :'''Minion''': Chicken. :'''Bladebeak''': But I got a wife and two eggs at home! Hey, don't leave me here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': ''[After Garrett saves her from Ruber's Iron Men]'' That was... incredible! How you, smashed those creatures! How you-you avoided that-that-that, thing! You're amazing! You're- :'''Garrett''': ''[Agrees uncaringly, as he looks over his ruined net]'' Mmhmm. :'''Kayley''': Not… even… listening to me! :'''Garrett''': Great, took me six weeks to make this net! :'''Kayley''': Net? You saved my life. Thank you. :'''Garrett''': Well, everyone can makes mistakes. :'''Kayley''': Oh, I get it. This is where King Arthur sends his unfunny jesters, right? :'''Garrett''': And now I'll thank you... :'''Kayley''': For what? :'''Garrett''': For reminding me why I'm a hermit! Good day! ''[Begins to walk away]'' :'''Kayley''': But wait! What's your name? :'''Garrett''': It's Garrett. :'''Kayley''': I'm Kayley! ''[Garrett seemingly continues to ignore her by walking on]'' Garrett! Why won't you look at me when I'm talking to you? ...Oh. Oh, I didn't realize you were... :'''Garrett''': What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome? :'''Kayley''': ''[Astonished]'' Blind. :'''Garrett''': ''[Chuckles lightly and replies sarcastically]'' ...You know, I always forget that one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': Have you got a cold? What is it? :'''Garrett''': We’re in Dragon Country. :'''Kayley''': Are you sure this is Dragon Country? I mean, shouldn't there be a sign or something? It could say, 'Welcome to Dragon Country.' ...You don't think we'll ''see'' any... do you...? Is a group of dragons a pack or a flock? Is it a gaggle or a pride? Is it a herd? :'''Garrett''': Quiet. :'''Kayley''': Do you hear something? :'''Garrett''': No, I just want you to be quiet. :'''Kayley''': ''[hands akimbo]'' Hmph! <hr width=50%/> :'''Cornwall''': Hey, hey, easy with the stick, buddy. :'''Garrett''': What are you? :'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kayley''': Stop bickering, and get your act together! :'''Devon''': Act? Did someone say Act? I can act! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during their song, but in speech]'' :'''Devon''': Trapped! Aah! Trapped! :'''Cornwall''': Stuck here with you for 500 years! :'''Devon''': Oh, dear, it's learned to count. :'''Cornwall''': If you'd got me a good lawyer, I would have split 400 years ago. :'''Devon''': Now, listen here, pal! I didn't come here to be insulted! :'''Cornwall''': Oh? Well, where do you usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, the good news is, we're out of Dragon Country. The bad news is, this is where we say goodbye. :'''Devon''': You can't leave us here! If we try to go back, we'll be banished! Ostracized. Exiled... :'''Cornwall''': Not to mention kicked out. :'''Kayley''': Why? :'''Cornwall''': Cause we just broke the dragons' cardinal rule! :'''Kayley''': Rule? :'''Devon''': What? Never wear brown shoes with the blue suit? :'''Cornwall''': No, you moron. Never help a human. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Kayley. We must make camp before dark. :'''Devon''': Camp? :'''Kayley''': ''Garrett''. Let's take them with us. Please. :'''Garrett''': Oh, I suppose so. But no more singing! :'''Devon''': How about interpretive dance? ''[Garrett sighs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Garrett''': Kayley, I must tell you, I knew your father. :'''Kayley''': You did? :'''Garrett''': I used to live in Camelot. ''[flashback]'' I was a stable boy, but I dreamt of becoming a knight. One evening, there was a fire. ''[Garrett opens the stable doors]'' I rushed to save the horses but, well… ''[A Horse hits Garrett in the eyes]'' I was hurt. At first, all I could see were shapes, then shadows. Finally, my world went black. ''[Garrett's vision blacks out. In the morning he tries to feel his way around; Sir Lionel sees him and grabs a stick]'' After I lost my sight ''[Sir Lionel passes Garrett the stick and teaches him to fight with it]'' Your father was the only one who still believed in me. He taught me that a knight's strength comes from his heart ''[Merlin and Ayden watch]'' and his loyalty to the Oath of Camelot. :'''Sir Lionel''': United we stand. :'''Both''': Now and forever. :'''Garrett''': Any hope I had of becoming a knight, died with him. :'''Kayley''': I felt that way too, but I knew he would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up either. You're as good as any knight in Camelot. :'''Garrett''': You really think so? <hr width=50%/> :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, we lost 'em again. :''[Ruber prepares to strike him; then looks up along the path]''. :'''Ruber''': Ah! That's where they went. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh. :'''Garrett''': What is it? :'''Kayley''': We've lost the tracks. :''[Noise]'' :'''Kayley''': Tell me that was your stomach. :'''Garrett''': ''[shakes head]'' It was the [[w:Ogre|Ogre]]. :'''Devon''': "Ogre"?! :'''Cornwall''': Well, see ya, good luck, have a nice life;–– whatever's left of it. :'''Kayley''': What's so scary about ogres? :''[the skeleton of a large animal falls into their midst]'' :'''Devon''': Their appetite! :'''Cornwall''': Oh, no; I think it's Uncle Yorick! :'''Devon''': Alas, poor Yorick! :'''Garrett''': ''[listening to Ayden the Falcon]'' Quick! Get out of the way! :''[The Ogre stamps on the skeleton, discards more bones, and drops an ornate sheath]'' :'''Kayley''': It's the scabbard from Excalibur! He ''does'' have the [[sword]]. :''[Later]'' :'''Garrett''': Ogres sleep in the day. We'll wait for him to fall asleep, then, we'll grab the sword! :'''Devon''': Define "We". :'''Garrett''': Shh! Quiet! The slightest noise and we're finished! :'''Devon''': ''[looks around at skeletons along the walls of the Ogre's lair]'' Hmm. Charming place. I must get the name of his decorator. :'''Garrett''': What's he doing? :'''Kayley''': I can't see him. :'''Garrett''': He's here; I can smell him. :''[The Ogre moves]''. :'''Kayley''': You're right; he is here. :'''Garrett''': Where's Excalibur? :'''Kayley''': ''[aghast]'' He's using it as a toothpick! :'''Garrett''': Tell me when he falls asleep. :''[The Ogre gives a yawn and noisily lies down]''. :'''Cornwall''': Let me guess: he fell asleep! :'''Garrett''': Describe the lay-out. :'''Kayley''': There's a ledge, just above the sword! But it's gotta be a twenty-foot drop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iron Crossbowman''': Hey boss! Look! There they are– :'''Ruber''': Shut up! (I hate ogres.) Walk this way. :'''Devon''': Oh, no, it's him. :'''Garrett''': Hey! :''[The Griffin sneezes; everyone gasps; the Ogre wakes]''. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh! Nap-time's over! Quick! Swing me back-and-forth! :'''Garrett''': Can you reach it? :'''Kayley''': I've got it! :''[Kayley & Co. escape. The Ogre pins the Iron Men to the wall, and sits on Ruber and the Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': The Ogre's butt! :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, at least things can't get any worse. :''[The ground begins to shake]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to the Griffin]'' Wanna bet? :''[Loud noise and gust of wind blowing Ruber and the Griffin over the heroes, who duck their heads and cover their noses as they run out of the Ogre's cave. Ruber and the Griffin crash into a cave wall]'' :'''Ruber''': Seize them! :'''Griffin''': ''[groaning, strained]'' Yes, Master. :'''Devon''': There's no way out! :'''Kayley''': There's one way out: you'll have to fly! :'''Devon''': We can't fly! (We explained that before our song). :''[Garrett seizes Kayley, Devon, & Cornwall and leaps with them into the canyon]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Ayden flies through the end of the forest, Kayley pulls back a branch to see Camelot in the distance]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! Oh Garrett, it's so beautiful! :'''Garrett''': Hmmm. :'''Kayley''': I wish you could see it. :'''Garrett''': I have seen it. And there was no place for me. ''[hands her Excalibur]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett, what's wrong? :'''Garrett''': Take Excalibur to Arthur. You don't have much time. ''[Turns back towards the Forbidden Forest. Kayley is confused. Devon and Cornwall are dumbfounded]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[Runs ahead of him, blocking his path]'' But we'll deliver the sword together. :'''Garrett''': No. You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world. ''[Moves past her]'' :'''Garrett''': Come on, Ayden. :'''Kayley''': ''[softly]'' But you belong in mine. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kayley is captured by Ruber and his Iron Men]'' :'''Ruber''': I'll take that. ''[takes Excalibur from its scabbard]'' Oh, ''[emphasizes the syllables of Excalibur and speaks softly]'' Excalibur! Mine! Forever! ''[to Kayley]'' You've been quite annoying... for a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Devon''': Kayley's been captured! :'''Cornwall''': And Ruber's got Excalibur! :'''Garrett''': What?! Take me to her! Come on, Ayden. :'''Cornwall''': They're halfway to Camelot by now. :'''Devon''': Oh, right! We've have to fly there to get there in [[time]]! Ruber drives me completely nuts! He makes me so mad, and angry! :'''Cornwall''': He's definitely a jerk; a giant jerk! :'''Devon''': The foulth [sic] of it! :'''Cornwall''': Wait 'til we get to Camelot. We'll show him a thing or two! Won't we? :'''Devon''': Yes! We darn well will! :'''Garrett''': ''[waves his staff under them]'' You're flying. :'''Devon''': Gosh! He's right. We are flying. :'''Cornwall''': ''I did it''! ''[showing off his biceps]'' I'm great. ''[kisses his biceps twice]'' I love me! I did it. :''[Devon hits him on the head]'' :'''Devon''': Excuse me, egomaniac, I think you mean I did it. :'''Cornwall''': No; careful! ''[They fall into a mud pool]'' :'''Garrett''': Don't you get it?! The only reason you can't fly is because you can't agree on anything! There must be something you can agree on. You both love Kayley, don't you? :''[Devon and Cornwall spit out mud, sigh, and look at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to a bunch of storm clouds, The Griffin flies from them in front of the camera and flies over it. The wagons are heading towards the drawbridge of Camelot as the storm clouds slowly circle the kingdom.]'' :'''Guard''': Wagons approaching! :''[Ruber has hidden himself in a black cape to disguise himself.]'' :'''Ruber''': [whispering] Not a word. And let's all keep our heads, shall we? :''[Juliana turns to the inside of the wagon to see that the Spike-Slinger Thug has tied Kayley's hands and holds his blade close to her neck. He laughs evilly when he does. Juliana gasped and turned back round to the front.]'' :'''Guard''': It's Lady Juliana, lower the bridge at once! :''[The drawbridge lowers. Ruber grins evilly as the wagons and himself enter Camelot. The camera zooms towards Arthur's bedroom tower]'' :'''African-Descendant Guard''': Pardon me, my king. Lady Juliana has payed us a surprise visit. :'''King Arthur''': Ah, good. ''[he rises from his chair]'' Tell her I'll receive her at the round table. :''[Meanwhile, the wagons had arrived in Camelot. Ruber's minions have hidden themselves in the carts. Ruber looks around carefully to see if no-one is suspicious. A girl plays with her doll, as her dog barks happily, she drops the doll, until her mother picks it up and hands it back to her. Ruber's horse slows down]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[quietly]'' Steady, steady. :''[The residents walk around the wagons, as Ruber grins to himself, evilly. Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels goes over a rock, causing it to jolt. Kayley, who is now bound and gagged, kicks the thug with her legs, causing him to fall through the floor and scrapes himself on the tiles. Kayley dodges as the thugs pierces the wooden beams with his claws. Bladebeak had finished reconciling with his wife and turns to Kayley]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Ah! Bladebeak, at your service! ''[he uses his "beak" to slice off the ropes on Kayley's hands, and Kayley unties the gag. The wagons have come to a halt in front of the castle]'' :'''Knight''': Lady Juliana? :''[Kayley suddenly bursts out of the wagon]'' :'''Kayley''': Hey! It's a trap! :''[The residents and the knights gasp in fright, Ruber reveals himself and his horse neighs.]'' :'''Ruber''': ATTACK! :''[The knights gasp as Ruber charges on his horse towards them. Then, all of the thugs burst out of the wagons, scaring off the residents. Finally, the Spike-Slinger Thug, burst out of the wagon, slicing it, into pieces. Ruber slices most of the knights' spears and swords with Excalibur.]'' :'''Ruber''': SEAL OFF THE CASTLE! :''[Everyone ran for the lives. Ruber charges on his horse into the castle, and two of his thugs block up the front doors after Ruber went in. The knights charged towards the ironmen, but they were defeated. A knight tries to strike the mace-wielding thug with his sword, but the blade broke off in contact. Then a thug's grabs a knight and hurls him to a another knight, next to a pit of fiery coals. The knight crashed into the pit, knocking it over, spilling out the coals, causing fire to spread near the stables. The knights again, try to defeat the ironmen, but to no avail. A knight was thrown back.]'' :'''Knight''': Ruber has breached the castle keep, The king is still inside! :''[Kayley looks at the front doors that have now been blocked and then at the tower's scaffolding.]'' :'''Kayley''': Mother, I must help the King. :''[She head off to the scaffolding]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Don't worry, we'll be fine! [he grins, and his wife looks at him] :''[Kayley has made her way on the ramparts and tries to run across the scaffolding to get into the castle, but the Griffin flies in, and Kayley jumps off the scaffolding and out of the way as the Griffin smashes through the scaffolding. Then two thugs came from both sides of her and corner her on the rampart's edge. Then Kayley loses her balance, and seemingly falls off the ramparts and off-screen. Then after one second, Kayley is raised back up, and turns out that Garrett had broke her fall with his staff and is now on Devon and Cornwall who are now flying.]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett! You came back! :'''Garrett''': Heads up! ''[Garrett jumps down, and Kayley dodges as Devon and Cornwall swung their tail at the thugs, causing them to fall into the moat, screaming.]'' Sorry I'm late. I hate flying coach. :''[the two hug each other in reunion]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' You're flying! :'''Devon''': Yes, we are frequent fliers now! :''[Meanwhile, Arthur heads down the corridor to the Round Table Room]'' :'''King Arthur''': Juliana? :''[Then we cut to Ruber sitting in Arthur's damaged chair, waiting for him]'' :'''Ruber''': Ta-da! :'''King Arthur''': Ruber! :'''Ruber''': Pleased to see me? ''[After hearing the doors are being locked. Arthur grabs a nearby spear. Ruber walks up from the throne, hiding his arm with his cape.]'' A spear? ''[he chuckles mockingly]'' How [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]! A king would hold a nobler weapon! A king would hold ''[He pulls off his cape, revealing the bonded Excalibur on his hand]''... Excalibur! [Ruber twitches his eye] :''[We cut back to the ramparts]'' :'''Garrett''': Where's Ruber? :'''Kayley''': He has the king trapped inside, there's no way in! :'''Garrett''': The King... Wait, I know a way! Through the stables! :''[Suddenly, the Griffin flies into view, Kayley and Garrett gasp. But Ayden attacks the Griffin, causing the creature to chase the falcon off. Then, more of Ruber's minions are closing in.]'' :'''Kayley''': Give me your hand. ''[spotting a haystack cart with a horse] Jump! [Both Kayley and Garrett jump down from the rampart, and into the cart. Kayley lands in the hay, and Garrett lands in front and rides the cart off to the stables]'' Garrett, what're you doing?! :'''Garrett''': I'm driving! :'''Kayley''': You think that's a good idea?! :'''Garrett''': No problem! Hang on! :'''Kayley''': Oh, no, Garrett! Right! Right! Look out! :''[A sharp swerve, and they fall from the cart into the stables]'' :'''Garrett''': See, that wasn't so bad… was it? :'''Ruber''': ''[to Arthur]'' So many memories in this room… makes me wanna puke! You said, Everyone at this Table, was equal; well, I have something sweeter: [[revenge]]! :'''Garrett''': These tunnels lead to the Round Table. :'''Kayley''': I can't see! :'''Garrett''': Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. :'''Griffin''': ''[seizes Ayden]'' Finally, Silverwings; you're mine! :'''Devon''': Well, excuse me! :'''Cornwall''': Pick on somebody your own size. ''[to Devon]'' Let's barbecue this bully. :'''Devon''': I couldn't agree more! :''[They blow fire at the Griffin, who drops Ayden; Cornwall catches him]''. :'''Cornwall''': Hang on, little birdie! :''[Devon and Cornwall then chase off the Griffin by repeatedly breathe fire at him. Back in Camelot, Juliana is tending to as injured knight as Bladebeak and his wife watch on. Then the Mace-Wielding Thugs spins its mace-balls around, roaring. Bladebeak steps up to him]'' :'''Bladebeak''': You got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well, do ya punk?! :''[Bladebeak squawks as he jumps on the mace-wielding thug and starts to peck on his neck with his "beak". Bladebeak's wife turns to Juliana and points at him and then to herself, as if she was saying, "That's my man!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Isn't this everything you've ever wanted? :'''Garrett''': Well, not quite... everything... ''[they kiss; Devon blows kisses at Cornwall]'' :'''Cornwall''': Hey! Don't even think about it. :'''Merlin''': Well done, Ayden. ===She's On Way Day End Title Song=== Random ==Crazy credits== * Devon and Cornwall will be back in ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]''. ==Cast== * [[w:Jessalyn Gilsig| Jessalyn Gilsig]] — [[Kayley]] ** [[w:Andrea Corr|Andrea Corr]] (singing voice) ** [[w:Sarah Rayne|Sarah Rayne]] — Young Kayley * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — [[Garrett]] ** [[w:Bryan White|Bryan White]] (singing voice) * [[w:Gary Oldman|Gary Oldman]] — [[Baron Ruber|Ruber]] * [[w:Eric Idle|Eric Idle]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Devon]] * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Cornwall]] * [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] — [[Lady Juliana|Juliana]] ** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]] (singing voice) * [[Pierce Brosnan]] — [[King Arthur (Quest for Camelot)|King Arthur]] ** [[w:Steve Perry|Steve Perry]] (singing voice) * [[w:Bronson Pinchot|Bronson Pinchot]] — [[Griffin (Quest for Camelot)|The Griffin]] * [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] — [[Bladebeak]] * [[w:Gabriel Byrne|Gabriel Byrne]] — [[Sir Lionel]] * [[w:John Gielgud|John Gielgud]] — [[Merlin (Quest for Camelot)|Merlin]] * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — [[Ayden|Ayden the Falcon]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Films directed by Frederik Du Chau]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] 987cj0psre27g0d7d9aono8dw9xygyp 3944527 3944525 2026-05-23T16:58:17Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944527 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Quest for Camelot|Quest for Camelot]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998 animated film]] from [[w:Warner Bros. Animation|Warner Bros. Animation]] about a young woman named Kayley who wants to be a knight of the Round Table in Camelot like her father, a blind young man named Garrett who wishes only to be left alone, and their quest to find [[Excalibur]]. It is loosely based on the novel ''[[w:The King's Damosel|The King's Damosel]]'' by [[w:Vera Chapman|Vera Chapman]]. :''Directed by [[w:Frederik Du Chau|Frederik Du Chau]]. Written by [[w:Kirk De Micco|Kirk De Micco]], [[w:Jacqueline Feather|Jacqueline Feather]], and [[w:David Seidler|David Seidler]]. {{center|'''Garrett & Kayley: A noble warrior and a brave girl find the magical sword.'''}} == [[King Arthur]] == * ''[After they all put Sir Lionel in the stone coffin with stone pillars at Lady Juliana's Farm. Tears run down Kayley's face as Arthur gives Sir Lionel's dented shield to Lady Juliana, who also cries]'' Your husband died saving my life. And saving Camelot. Lady Juliana, the gates of Camelot will always be open to you. ''[Addresses the others:]'' Sir Lionel was my most trusted knight. And also my dear, dear friend. We will always remember how he bravely upheld the ideals of Camelot. ''[He then takes out Excalibur and holds it in the air and the other knights take out their swords and hold them in the air in respect for their deceased knight.]'' * ''[Final lines]'' I dub thee, Sir Garrett. I dub thee, Lady Kayley. Thank you for saving Camelot. You have reminded us, the kingdom's strength… is not based in the strength of the king, but the strength of the people. From this day forward, you will both sit as Knights of the Round Table! ''[all cheer]'' ==Kayley== *''[after seeing her father ride off with the knights to Camelot]'' One day, I'll be a knight, like father. *''[to herself, lamenting on the normal everyday life after she and her mother disagree over her dreams of becoming a knight]'' How am I going to do great things if I'm stuck here with these silly chickens? *''[To Ruber, before she swings down with a large wooden beam to knock him away from the king]'' I will not serve a false king! ==Garrett== *''[His first lines, after Kayley falls into a swamp bed and gets tangled in a net]'' Hey! That's ''my'' net. *''[to Ayden]'' You don't understand. In Camelot, she'd only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything. ==Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed [[Dragon]]== *'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. ''[Explaining why they're "conjoined twin dragons"]'' Oh. ''Enchanté'', ''mademoiselle''. I'm Devon, and this ''growth'' on my neck is Cornwall. *'''Cornwall''': But you can call me "Corny", for short. ''[Meeting Kayley for the first time]'' *'''Devon''': ''[walking through The Ogre's "den" - filled with skeletons - sarcastically and quietly]'' ''Charming place''. I must get the name of his decorator. *'''Cornwall''': Tell ya what: next time, you try to fly, and we'll hold on! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Kayley, after Garrett has left the group]'' Forget about him. You're better off alone. He walks funny. He talks funny. People throw darts at him. *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, appalled]'' How can you be so cold-blooded?! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Devon]'' I'm a reptile. ''[He sticks his tongue out]'' *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, poking him]'' Listen, you Jurassic twit! Kayley deserves someone who will [[love]] her. ''[Devon performs the following actions upon Cornwall]'' Someone... who'll hold her in his arms, ''[he squeezes Cornwall's head until his eyes bulge]'' who'll run his fingers through her hair, ''[he runs his fingers across Cornwall's head]'' look deeply in her eyes, ''[holds Cornwall eye-to-eye, then releases him]'' and make her feel like a real woman! ''[He kisses Cornwall; both spit and splutter]'' ==Ruber== *''[After Arthur had repelled him with Excalibur]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and all will be mine! *''[To Juliana]'' I'm so glad you've noticed! I've been working at it for years! *''[after he used his magic potion to fasten Excalibur to his hand]'' Don't worry, little girl. I'll make sure Arthur gets it back. Or gets it ''in'' the back. ''[laughs]'' As the case may be! ''[Softly]'' Throw her into the wagon. *''[after Kayley stops him from attacking the king]'' You're in the way, just like your father! Since you're dying to be like him! ''[he swings Excalibur at her, but she dodges]'' Let's see if I can help you out! *''[his last words]'' Two, for the price of one! This must be my lucky day. Oh, no! The stone! ''[explosion; Ruber dies]'' ==Bladebeak== * ''[Covered in mud while one-eyed mosslike creatures are looking at him]'' [[Taxi Driver|Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?]] ''[The one-eyed stalk creatures disappear. He turns. The one-eyed creatures look at him again, but disappear as soon as he turns back to them]'' * Bladebeak, at your service! ''[Frees Kayley]'' * ''[confronting an iron man]'' You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel - clucky?" Well, do ya... punk? ''[He pecks the iron man]'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Come on. ''[While Sir Lionel is helping Lady Juliana getting off her horse.]'' Father! ''[As she jumps into her father's arms, they roll down onto a sandy beach.]'' Father, do you really have to go? :'''Sir Lionel''': I’m afraid I must, Kayley. You know the King’s Knights will be here soon. :'''Kayley''': Tell me again, why you became a knight. :'''Lady Juliana''': Kayley, you’ve heard it a thousand times! :'''Sir Lionel''': Oh, but it’s fine dear. Well, my daughter, before you were born, the land was dark and treacherous. ''[draws three circles in the sand with his finger]'' The people stood divided, brother fighting brother. ''[We go to a flashback, where at three stone pillars holding the magic sword, Excalibur.]'' The only hope for peace was in the legend of the sword Excalibur; for it was said, that only the true king could pull the magical sword from its stone, and unite the people. Many tried; all failed. ''[Everybody tries to pull out Excalibur, but to no avail, gave up]'' Then, on the very day you were born, ''[A young man emerges from the crowd]'' an unexpected hero stepped forth, his name was Arthur, ''[Arthur pulls out Excalibur, much to everybody's amazement]'' and he was that true king. With Excalibur at his side he led us out of the darkness ''[Years pass by, as a castle is being constructed]'' and together we built the greatest kingdom on Earth, ''[Everybody helped build a kingdom]'' everyone rejoiced. ''[All of Camelot's residents danced and formed the three interlocked rings, showing union and Kayley is dancing inside a drawn circle, where she is dreaming about Camelot]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[shows Kayley the shield representing the three rings]'' And so these three rings represent the unity of our people. As a knight, I took an oath to protect Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur. :'''Kayley''': The knights are here! :'''Sir Lionel''': I must go now, Kayley. The king has summoned his knights for a special day in Camelot. ''[kisses Lady Juliana and begins to ride off]'' Goodbye. :'''Kayley''': I’m coming with you, daddy! :'''Sir Lionel''': Yes, when you are old enough, Kayley. I will take you to Camelot. I promise. I love you. :'''Kayley''': One day, I will be a knight, like father. :'''Sir Lionel''': Let’s go! :''[The knights ride off as "Warner Bros. Presents" fades in and fades out. We pan upwards to the sky as the film title "Quest for Camelot" [or "The Magic Sword: Quest for Camelot" in some countries] fades in and fades out. The knights travels on their horses on the main road to Camelot as the opening credits appear. The knights travel three days without stopping on their way to Camelot like '''[[w:The Swan Princess|The Swan Princess]]''', '''[[w:The Sword in the Stone (1963 film)|The Sword in the Stone]]''', and '''[[Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped|Crash Bandicoot: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Knight Chorus'''': ''[singing]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. ''[The drawbridge lowers as "Directed by Frederik Du Chau" fades in and fades out and the knights go inside Camelot]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. :''[Sir Lionel passes a young boy who is seemly blind is practicing his skills. The knights are greeted by their friends. Arthur appears at the main entrance of the castle with his advisor Merlin.]'' :'''King Arthur''': ''[singing]'' It's been 10 years we celebrate, All that made our kingdom great, Liberty and justice for all, Each of us we now divide, for equal shares our countryside, promising equality for all we reside! :'''Knights of the Round Table''': United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand; brother to brother; no 1 shall be greater than all. ::[[Liberty]] – [[Justice]] – [[Trust]] ::[[Freedom]] – [[Peace]] – [[Honor]] ::[[Goodness]] – [[Strength]] – [[Valor]] :'''Ruber''': ME! ''[To Knights]'' ''Charming'' sing along. Now, let's get down to business. I waited a long time for this day. ''What about my new land?!'' :'''King Arthur''': Sir Ruber. Always thinking of yourself. As knights of the round table, our obligation is to the people, not to ourselves. The land will be divided according to each person’s needs. :'''Ruber''': Then I need more than everyone. I wouldn't have supported you all these years if I thought you were running a charity. :'''Sir Lionel''': The King has decided! :'''Ruber''': Then it's time for the new king, and I vote for me. :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[?; to Ruber]'' [[VeggieTales#Gideon: Tuba Warrior|I will not serve a false king.]] :'''Ruber''': Then serve... A DEAD 1! ''[Ruber draws a mace and leaps at Arthur; the other knights try to stop him, but he fights through them and strikes at Arthur, only to be disarmed and knocked flying by Excalibur.]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and ALL WILL BE MINE!! ''[He runs out of the room with the doors closing behind him as the knights throw spears at him. On the other side, Ruber barricades a door with a wooden beam before running off in exile as nine spears pierce the doors. Back in the room, the knights gather round Sir Lionel who is lying on the floor, motionless.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Arthur''': In the 10 years since Sir Lionel's [[w:death|death]], [[w:Egalitarianism|equality]] and [[w:freedom|freedom]] have spread throughout the lands. Excalibur has given us the strength to stand together against all injustice. Camelot has prospered beyond our greatest dreams- ''[Ruber's Griffin crashes into the tower roof]'' :'''Knight 4''': It's a Griffin. ''[The Griffin growls as King Arthur is about to reach Excalibur with his hand very slowly, but The Griffin grabs Excalibur with his beak, breaking a piece of the chair, and biting King Arthur's arm. The Griffin flies up from the round table as the other Knights start to charge and throw their swords at The Griffin]'' :'''Knight 5''': It's taken Excalibur! :'''Knight 6''': Arthur is wounded! :'''King Arthur''': Never mind me! Find Merlin and go after the sword! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ruber's men raid Lady Juliana and Kayley's home. Ruber enters, masked]'' :'''Ruber''': Knock Knock! :'''Lady Juliana''': Who-who are you? ''[Ruber takes off his helmet. Lady Juliana gasps]'' ''Ruber''! :'''Ruber''': Juliana. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd invade. How about a kiss? I hear you're still single. :'''Lady Juliana''': ''[She slaps his hand]'' ''Impertinent pig''! :'''Ruber''': Is that a No? :'''Lady Juliana''': I demand that you leave immediately! :'''Ruber''': ''So rude''! And after I came all this way. Just to see you. :'''Lady Juliana''': What do you want? :'''Ruber''': Camelot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ruber''': My faithful pet. How was the flight? Panic sweeps across the land. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': My plan is perfect. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Now, Excalibur is mine. :'''Griffin''': ''[grunts]'' Here's where we enter a gray area. Hmm. :''[Ruber grabs The Griffin by the ruff of his neck, making him groan]'' :'''Ruber''': Excuse me? You ''lost'' Excalibur? How?! :'''Griffin''': I was attacked by a falcon. :''[Ruber lets go of The Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': What? My magnificent beast outmatched by a puny, little pigeon? :'''Griffin''': It wasn't a pigeon. It was a ''falcon'', with silver wings. :'''Ruber''': ''[softly]'' Silver wings? ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary. ''[Yelling as he grabs The Griffin by the ear]'' You stupid animal! Where is the sword ''now''? :'''Griffin''': In a place of untold danger. :'''Ruber''': The Forbidden Forest. :'''Griffin''': Precisely, Master. :'''Ruber''': ''[runs his finger along the Griffin's beak and up to the top of his head and speaks softly]'' Have I told you today how magnificently and totally... worthless you are?! ''[He pulls off the Griffin's eyebrow, making him screech]'' Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! :''[He hears a horse neighing and sees Kayley riding towards the Forbidden Forest]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[screaming]'' Oh! The-the girl! :''[His "iron men" are clumsy]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to Bladebeak]'' You! You! And You! Fancy Feet! After her! And bring her back! ''[to the Griffin]'' And you... ''[he grabs the Griffin's head]'' you are going to lead me to ''[emphasizing the syllables]'' Excalibur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bladebeak''': Hey. We're not going in there, are we? :'''Minion''': Chicken. :'''Bladebeak''': But I got a wife and two eggs at home! Hey, don't leave me here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': ''[After Garrett saves her from Ruber's Iron Men]'' That was... incredible! How you, smashed those creatures! How you-you avoided that-that-that, thing! You're amazing! You're- :'''Garrett''': ''[Agrees uncaringly, as he looks over his ruined net]'' Mmhmm. :'''Kayley''': Not… even… listening to me! :'''Garrett''': Great, took me six weeks to make this net! :'''Kayley''': Net? You saved my life. Thank you. :'''Garrett''': Well, everyone can makes mistakes. :'''Kayley''': Oh, I get it. This is where King Arthur sends his unfunny jesters, right? :'''Garrett''': And now I'll thank you... :'''Kayley''': For what? :'''Garrett''': For reminding me why I'm a hermit! Good day! ''[Begins to walk away]'' :'''Kayley''': But wait! What's your name? :'''Garrett''': It's Garrett. :'''Kayley''': I'm Kayley! ''[Garrett seemingly continues to ignore her by walking on]'' Garrett! Why won't you look at me when I'm talking to you? ...Oh. Oh, I didn't realize you were... :'''Garrett''': What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome? :'''Kayley''': ''[Astonished]'' Blind. :'''Garrett''': ''[Chuckles lightly and replies sarcastically]'' ...You know, I always forget that one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': Have you got a cold? What is it? :'''Garrett''': We’re in Dragon Country. :'''Kayley''': Are you sure this is Dragon Country? I mean, shouldn't there be a sign or something? It could say, 'Welcome to Dragon Country.' ...You don't think we'll ''see'' any... do you...? Is a group of dragons a pack or a flock? Is it a gaggle or a pride? Is it a herd? :'''Garrett''': Quiet. :'''Kayley''': Do you hear something? :'''Garrett''': No, I just want you to be quiet. :'''Kayley''': ''[hands akimbo]'' Hmph! <hr width=50%/> :'''Cornwall''': Hey, hey, easy with the stick, buddy. :'''Garrett''': What are you? :'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kayley''': Stop bickering, and get your act together! :'''Devon''': Act? Did someone say Act? I can act! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during their song, but in speech]'' :'''Devon''': Trapped! Aah! Trapped! :'''Cornwall''': Stuck here with you for 500 years! :'''Devon''': Oh, dear, it's learned to count. :'''Cornwall''': If you'd got me a good lawyer, I would have split 400 years ago. :'''Devon''': Now, listen here, pal! I didn't come here to be insulted! :'''Cornwall''': Oh? Well, where do you usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, the good news is, we're out of Dragon Country. The bad news is, this is where we say goodbye. :'''Devon''': You can't leave us here! If we try to go back, we'll be banished! Ostracized. Exiled... :'''Cornwall''': Not to mention kicked out. :'''Kayley''': Why? :'''Cornwall''': Cause we just broke the dragons' cardinal rule! :'''Kayley''': Rule? :'''Devon''': What? Never wear brown shoes with the blue suit? :'''Cornwall''': No, you moron. Never help a human. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Kayley. We must make camp before dark. :'''Devon''': Camp? :'''Kayley''': ''Garrett''. Let's take them with us. Please. :'''Garrett''': Oh, I suppose so. But no more singing! :'''Devon''': How about interpretive dance? ''[Garrett sighs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Garrett''': Kayley, I must tell you, I knew your father. :'''Kayley''': You did? :'''Garrett''': I used to live in Camelot. ''[flashback]'' I was a stable boy, but I dreamt of becoming a knight. One evening, there was a fire. ''[Garrett opens the stable doors]'' I rushed to save the horses but, well… ''[A Horse hits Garrett in the eyes]'' I was hurt. At first, all I could see were shapes, then shadows. Finally, my world went black. ''[Garrett's vision blacks out. In the morning he tries to feel his way around; Sir Lionel sees him and grabs a stick]'' After I lost my sight ''[Sir Lionel passes Garrett the stick and teaches him to fight with it]'' Your father was the only one who still believed in me. He taught me that a knight's strength comes from his heart ''[Merlin and Ayden watch]'' and his loyalty to the Oath of Camelot. :'''Sir Lionel''': United we stand. :'''Both''': Now and forever. :'''Garrett''': Any hope I had of becoming a knight, died with him. :'''Kayley''': I felt that way too, but I knew he would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up either. You're as good as any knight in Camelot. :'''Garrett''': You really think so? <hr width=50%/> :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, we lost 'em again. :''[Ruber prepares to strike him; then looks up along the path]''. :'''Ruber''': Ah! That's where they went. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh. :'''Garrett''': What is it? :'''Kayley''': We've lost the tracks. :''[Noise]'' :'''Kayley''': Tell me that was your stomach. :'''Garrett''': ''[shakes head]'' It was the [[w:Ogre|Ogre]]. :'''Devon''': "Ogre"?! :'''Cornwall''': Well, see ya, good luck, have a nice life;–– whatever's left of it. :'''Kayley''': What's so scary about ogres? :''[the skeleton of a large animal falls into their midst]'' :'''Devon''': Their appetite! :'''Cornwall''': Oh, no; I think it's Uncle Yorick! :'''Devon''': Alas, poor Yorick! :'''Garrett''': ''[listening to Ayden the Falcon]'' Quick! Get out of the way! :''[The Ogre stamps on the skeleton, discards more bones, and drops an ornate sheath]'' :'''Kayley''': It's the scabbard from Excalibur! He ''does'' have the [[sword]]. :''[Later]'' :'''Garrett''': Ogres sleep in the day. We'll wait for him to fall asleep, then, we'll grab the sword! :'''Devon''': Define "We". :'''Garrett''': Shh! Quiet! The slightest noise and we're finished! :'''Devon''': ''[looks around at skeletons along the walls of the Ogre's lair]'' Hmm. Charming place. I must get the name of his decorator. :'''Garrett''': What's he doing? :'''Kayley''': I can't see him. :'''Garrett''': He's here; I can smell him. :''[The Ogre moves]''. :'''Kayley''': You're right; he is here. :'''Garrett''': Where's Excalibur? :'''Kayley''': ''[aghast]'' He's using it as a toothpick! :'''Garrett''': Tell me when he falls asleep. :''[The Ogre gives a yawn and noisily lies down]''. :'''Cornwall''': Let me guess: he fell asleep! :'''Garrett''': Describe the lay-out. :'''Kayley''': There's a ledge, just above the sword! But it's gotta be a twenty-foot drop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iron Crossbowman''': Hey boss! Look! There they are– :'''Ruber''': Shut up! (I hate ogres.) Walk this way. :'''Devon''': Oh, no, it's him. :'''Garrett''': Hey! :''[The Griffin sneezes; everyone gasps; the Ogre wakes]''. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh! Nap-time's over! Quick! Swing me back-and-forth! :'''Garrett''': Can you reach it? :'''Kayley''': I've got it! :''[Kayley & Co. escape. The Ogre pins the Iron Men to the wall, and sits on Ruber and the Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': The Ogre's butt! :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, at least things can't get any worse. :''[The ground begins to shake]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to the Griffin]'' Wanna bet? :''[Loud noise and gust of wind blowing Ruber and the Griffin over the heroes, who duck their heads and cover their noses as they run out of the Ogre's cave. Ruber and the Griffin crash into a cave wall]'' :'''Ruber''': Seize them! :'''Griffin''': ''[groaning, strained]'' Yes, Master. :'''Devon''': There's no way out! :'''Kayley''': There's one way out: you'll have to fly! :'''Devon''': We can't fly! (We explained that before our song). :''[Garrett seizes Kayley, Devon, & Cornwall and leaps with them into the canyon]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Ayden flies through the end of the forest, Kayley pulls back a branch to see Camelot in the distance]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! Oh Garrett, it's so beautiful! :'''Garrett''': Hmmm. :'''Kayley''': I wish you could see it. :'''Garrett''': I have seen it. And there was no place for me. ''[hands her Excalibur]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett, what's wrong? :'''Garrett''': Take Excalibur to Arthur. You don't have much time. ''[Turns back towards the Forbidden Forest. Kayley is confused. Devon and Cornwall are dumbfounded]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[Runs ahead of him, blocking his path]'' But we'll deliver the sword together. :'''Garrett''': No. You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world. ''[Moves past her]'' :'''Garrett''': Come on, Ayden. :'''Kayley''': ''[softly]'' But you belong in mine. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kayley is captured by Ruber and his Iron Men]'' :'''Ruber''': I'll take that. ''[takes Excalibur from its scabbard]'' Oh, ''[emphasizes the syllables of Excalibur and speaks softly]'' Excalibur! Mine! Forever! ''[to Kayley]'' You've been quite annoying... for a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Devon''': Kayley's been captured! :'''Cornwall''': And Ruber's got Excalibur! :'''Garrett''': What?! Take me to her! Come on, Ayden. :'''Cornwall''': They're halfway to Camelot by now. :'''Devon''': Oh, right! We've have to fly there to get there in [[time]]! Ruber drives me completely nuts! He makes me so mad, and angry! :'''Cornwall''': He's definitely a jerk; a giant jerk! :'''Devon''': The foulth [sic] of it! :'''Cornwall''': Wait 'til we get to Camelot. We'll show him a thing or two! Won't we? :'''Devon''': Yes! We darn well will! :'''Garrett''': ''[waves his staff under them]'' You're flying. :'''Devon''': Gosh! He's right. We are flying. :'''Cornwall''': ''I did it''! ''[showing off his biceps]'' I'm great. ''[kisses his biceps twice]'' I love me! I did it. :''[Devon hits him on the head]'' :'''Devon''': Excuse me, egomaniac, I think you mean I did it. :'''Cornwall''': No; careful! ''[They fall into a mud pool]'' :'''Garrett''': Don't you get it?! The only reason you can't fly is because you can't agree on anything! There must be something you can agree on. You both love Kayley, don't you? :''[Devon and Cornwall spit out mud, sigh, and look at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to a bunch of storm clouds, The Griffin flies from them in front of the camera and flies over it. The wagons are heading towards the drawbridge of Camelot as the storm clouds slowly circle the kingdom.]'' :'''Guard''': Wagons approaching! :''[Ruber has hidden himself in a black cape to disguise himself.]'' :'''Ruber''': [whispering] Not a word. And let's all keep our heads, shall we? :''[Juliana turns to the inside of the wagon to see that the Spike-Slinger Thug has tied Kayley's hands and holds his blade close to her neck. He laughs evilly when he does. Juliana gasped and turned back round to the front.]'' :'''Guard''': It's Lady Juliana, lower the bridge at once! :''[The drawbridge lowers. Ruber grins evilly as the wagons and himself enter Camelot. The camera zooms towards Arthur's bedroom tower]'' :'''African-Descendant Guard''': Pardon me, my king. Lady Juliana has payed us a surprise visit. :'''King Arthur''': Ah, good. ''[he rises from his chair]'' Tell her I'll receive her at the round table. :''[Meanwhile, the wagons had arrived in Camelot. Ruber's minions have hidden themselves in the carts. Ruber looks around carefully to see if no-one is suspicious. A girl plays with her doll, as her dog barks happily, she drops the doll, until her mother picks it up and hands it back to her. Ruber's horse slows down]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[quietly]'' Steady, steady. :''[The residents walk around the wagons, as Ruber grins to himself, evilly. Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels goes over a rock, causing it to jolt. Kayley, who is now bound and gagged, kicks the thug with her legs, causing him to fall through the floor and scrapes himself on the tiles. Kayley dodges as the thugs pierces the wooden beams with his claws. Bladebeak had finished reconciling with his wife and turns to Kayley]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Ah! Bladebeak, at your service! ''[he uses his "beak" to slice off the ropes on Kayley's hands, and Kayley unties the gag. The wagons have come to a halt in front of the castle]'' :'''Knight''': Lady Juliana? :''[Kayley suddenly bursts out of the wagon]'' :'''Kayley''': Hey! It's a trap! :''[The residents and the knights gasp in fright, Ruber reveals himself and his horse neighs.]'' :'''Ruber''': ATTACK! :''[The knights gasp as Ruber charges on his horse towards them. Then, all of the thugs burst out of the wagons, scaring off the residents. Finally, the Spike-Slinger Thug, burst out of the wagon, slicing it, into pieces. Ruber slices most of the knights' spears and swords with Excalibur.]'' :'''Ruber''': SEAL OFF THE CASTLE! :''[Everyone ran for the lives. Ruber charges on his horse into the castle, and two of his thugs block up the front doors after Ruber went in. The knights charged towards the ironmen, but they were defeated. A knight tries to strike the mace-wielding thug with his sword, but the blade broke off in contact. Then a thug's grabs a knight and hurls him to a another knight, next to a pit of fiery coals. The knight crashed into the pit, knocking it over, spilling out the coals, causing fire to spread near the stables. The knights again, try to defeat the ironmen, but to no avail. A knight was thrown back.]'' :'''Knight''': Ruber has breached the castle keep, The king is still inside! :''[Kayley looks at the front doors that have now been blocked and then at the tower's scaffolding.]'' :'''Kayley''': Mother, I must help the King. :''[She head off to the scaffolding]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Don't worry, we'll be fine! [he grins, and his wife looks at him] :''[Kayley has made her way on the ramparts and tries to run across the scaffolding to get into the castle, but the Griffin flies in, and Kayley jumps off the scaffolding and out of the way as the Griffin smashes through the scaffolding. Then two thugs came from both sides of her and corner her on the rampart's edge. Then Kayley loses her balance, and seemingly falls off the ramparts and off-screen. Then after one second, Kayley is raised back up, and turns out that Garrett had broke her fall with his staff and is now on Devon and Cornwall who are now flying.]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett! You came back! :'''Garrett''': Heads up! ''[Garrett jumps down, and Kayley dodges as Devon and Cornwall swung their tail at the thugs, causing them to fall into the moat, screaming.]'' Sorry I'm late. I hate flying coach. :''[the two hug each other in reunion]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' You're flying! :'''Devon''': Yes, we are frequent fliers now! :''[Meanwhile, Arthur heads down the corridor to the Round Table Room]'' :'''King Arthur''': Juliana? :''[Then we cut to Ruber sitting in Arthur's damaged chair, waiting for him]'' :'''Ruber''': Ta-da! :'''King Arthur''': Ruber! :'''Ruber''': Pleased to see me? ''[After hearing the doors are being locked. Arthur grabs a nearby spear. Ruber walks up from the throne, hiding his arm with his cape.]'' A spear? ''[he chuckles mockingly]'' How [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]! A king would hold a nobler weapon! A king would hold ''[He pulls off his cape, revealing the bonded Excalibur on his hand]''... Excalibur! [Ruber twitches his eye] :''[We cut back to the ramparts]'' :'''Garrett''': Where's Ruber? :'''Kayley''': He has the king trapped inside, there's no way in! :'''Garrett''': The King... Wait, I know a way! Through the stables! :''[Suddenly, the Griffin flies into view, Kayley and Garrett gasp. But Ayden attacks the Griffin, causing the creature to chase the falcon off. Then, more of Ruber's minions are closing in.]'' :'''Kayley''': Give me your hand. ''[spotting a haystack cart with a horse] Jump! [Both Kayley and Garrett jump down from the rampart, and into the cart. Kayley lands in the hay, and Garrett lands in front and rides the cart off to the stables]'' Garrett, what're you doing?! :'''Garrett''': I'm driving! :'''Kayley''': You think that's a good idea?! :'''Garrett''': No problem! Hang on! :'''Kayley''': Oh, no, Garrett! Right! Right! Look out! :''[A sharp swerve, and they fall from the cart into the stables]'' :'''Garrett''': See, that wasn't so bad… was it? :'''Ruber''': ''[to Arthur]'' So many memories in this room… makes me wanna puke! You said, Everyone at this Table, was equal; well, I have something sweeter: [[revenge]]! :'''Garrett''': These tunnels lead to the Round Table. :'''Kayley''': I can't see! :'''Garrett''': Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. :'''Griffin''': ''[seizes Ayden]'' Finally, Silverwings; you're mine! :'''Devon''': Well, excuse me! :'''Cornwall''': Pick on somebody your own size. ''[to Devon]'' Let's barbecue this bully. :'''Devon''': I couldn't agree more! :''[They blow fire at the Griffin, who drops Ayden; Cornwall catches him]''. :'''Cornwall''': Hang on, little birdie! :''[Devon and Cornwall then chase off the Griffin by repeatedly breathe fire at him. Back in Camelot, Juliana is tending to as injured knight as Bladebeak and his wife watch on. Then the Mace-Wielding Thugs spins its mace-balls around, roaring. Bladebeak steps up to him]'' :'''Bladebeak''': You got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well, do ya punk?! :''[Bladebeak squawks as he jumps on the mace-wielding thug and starts to peck on his neck with his "beak". Bladebeak's wife turns to Juliana and points at him and then to herself, as if she was saying, "That's my man!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Isn't this everything you've ever wanted? :'''Garrett''': Well, not quite... everything... ''[they kiss; Devon blows kisses at Cornwall]'' :'''Cornwall''': Hey! Don't even think about it. :'''Merlin''': Well done, Ayden. ===She's On Way Day End Title Song=== Random ==Crazy credits== * Devon and Cornwall will be back in ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]''. ==Cast== * [[w:Jessalyn Gilsig| Jessalyn Gilsig]] — [[Kayley]] ** [[w:Andrea Corr|Andrea Corr]] (singing voice) ** [[w:Sarah Rayne|Sarah Rayne]] — Young Kayley * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — [[Garrett]] ** [[w:Bryan White|Bryan White]] (singing voice) * [[w:Gary Oldman|Gary Oldman]] — [[Baron Ruber|Ruber]] * [[w:Eric Idle|Eric Idle]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Devon]] * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Cornwall]] * [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] — [[Lady Juliana|Juliana]] ** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]] (singing voice) * [[Pierce Brosnan]] — [[King Arthur (Quest for Camelot)|King Arthur]] ** [[w:Steve Perry|Steve Perry]] (singing voice) * [[w:Bronson Pinchot|Bronson Pinchot]] — [[Griffin (Quest for Camelot)|The Griffin]] * [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] — [[Bladebeak]] * [[w:Gabriel Byrne|Gabriel Byrne]] — [[Sir Lionel]] * [[w:John Gielgud|John Gielgud]] — [[Merlin (Quest for Camelot)|Merlin]] * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — [[Ayden|Ayden the Falcon]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Films directed by Frederik Du Chau]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] e53wn9x7b8cheqal0yihh3szji5whyz 3944528 3944527 2026-05-23T16:58:37Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944528 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Quest for Camelot|Quest for Camelot]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998 animated film]] from [[w:Warner Bros. Animation|Warner Bros. Animation]] about a young woman named Kayley who wants to be a knight of the Round Table in Camelot like her father, a blind young man named Garrett who wishes only to be left alone, and their quest to find [[Excalibur]]. It is loosely based on the novel ''[[w:The King's Damosel|The King's Damosel]]'' by [[w:Vera Chapman|Vera Chapman]]. :''Directed by [[w:Frederik Du Chau|Frederik Du Chau]]. Written by [[w:Kirk De Micco|Kirk De Micco]], [[w:Jacqueline Feather|Jacqueline Feather]], and [[w:David Seidler|David Seidler]]. {{center|'''Garrett & Kayley: A noble warrior and a brave girl find the magical sword.'''}} == [[King Arthur]] == * ''[After they all put Sir Lionel in the stone coffin with stone pillars at Lady Juliana's Farm. Tears run down Kayley's face as Arthur gives Sir Lionel's dented shield to Lady Juliana, who also cries]'' Your husband died saving my life. And saving Camelot. Lady Juliana, the gates of Camelot will always be open to you. ''[Addresses the others:]'' Sir Lionel was my most trusted knight. And also my dear, dear friend. We will always remember how he bravely upheld the ideals of Camelot. ''[He then takes out Excalibur and holds it in the air and the other knights take out their swords and hold them in the air in respect for their deceased knight.]'' * ''[Final lines]'' I dub thee, Sir Garrett. I dub thee, Lady Kayley. Thank you for saving Camelot. You have reminded us, the kingdom's strength… is not based in the strength of the king, but the strength of the people. From this day forward, you will both sit as Knights of the Round Table! ''[all cheer]'' ==Kayley== *''[after seeing her father ride off with the knights to Camelot]'' One day, I'll be a knight, like father. *''[to herself, lamenting on the normal everyday life after she and her mother disagree over her dreams of becoming a knight]'' How am I going to do great things if I'm stuck here with these silly chickens? *''[To Ruber, before she swings down with a large wooden beam to knock him away from the king]'' I will not serve a false king! ==Garrett== *''[His first lines, after Kayley falls into a swamp bed and gets tangled in a net]'' Hey! That's ''my'' net. *''[to Ayden]'' You don't understand. In Camelot, she'd only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything. ==Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed [[Dragon]]== *'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. ''[Explaining why they're "conjoined twin dragons"]'' Oh. ''Enchanté'', ''mademoiselle''. I'm Devon, and this ''growth'' on my neck is Cornwall. *'''Cornwall''': But you can call me "Corny", for short. ''[Meeting Kayley for the first time]'' *'''Devon''': ''[walking through The Ogre's "den" - filled with skeletons - sarcastically and quietly]'' ''Charming place''. I must get the name of his decorator. *'''Cornwall''': Tell ya what: next time, you try to fly, and we'll hold on! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Kayley, after Garrett has left the group]'' Forget about him. You're better off alone. He walks funny. He talks funny. People throw darts at him. *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, appalled]'' How can you be so cold-blooded?! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Devon]'' I'm a reptile. ''[He sticks his tongue out]'' *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, poking him]'' Listen, you Jurassic twit! Kayley deserves someone who will [[love]] her. ''[Devon performs the following actions upon Cornwall]'' Someone... who'll hold her in his arms, ''[he squeezes Cornwall's head until his eyes bulge]'' who'll run his fingers through her hair, ''[he runs his fingers across Cornwall's head]'' look deeply in her eyes, ''[holds Cornwall eye-to-eye, then releases him]'' and make her feel like a real woman! ''[He kisses Cornwall; both spit and splutter]'' ==Ruber== *''[After Arthur had repelled him with Excalibur]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and all will be mine! *''[To Juliana]'' I'm so glad you've noticed! I've been working at it for years! *''[after he used his magic potion to fasten Excalibur to his hand]'' Don't worry, little girl. I'll make sure Arthur gets it back. Or gets it ''in'' the back. ''[laughs]'' As the case may be! ''[Softly]'' Throw her into the wagon. *''[after Kayley stops him from attacking the king]'' You're in the way, just like your father! Since you're dying to be like him! ''[he swings Excalibur at her, but she dodges]'' Let's see if I can help you out! *''[his last words]'' Two, for the price of one! This must be my lucky day. Oh, no! The stone! ''[explosion; Ruber dies]'' ==Bladebeak== * ''[Covered in mud while one-eyed mosslike creatures are looking at him]'' [[Taxi Driver|Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?]] ''[The one-eyed stalk creatures disappear. He turns. The one-eyed creatures look at him again, but disappear as soon as he turns back to them]'' * Bladebeak, at your service! ''[Frees Kayley]'' * ''[confronting an iron man]'' You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel - clucky?" Well, do ya... punk? ''[He pecks the iron man]'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Come on. ''[While Sir Lionel is helping Lady Juliana getting off her horse.]'' Father! ''[As she jumps into her father's arms, they roll down onto a sandy beach.]'' Father, do you really have to go? :'''Sir Lionel''': I’m afraid I must, Kayley. You know the King’s Knights will be here soon. :'''Kayley''': Tell me again, why you became a knight. :'''Lady Juliana''': Kayley, you’ve heard it a thousand times! :'''Sir Lionel''': Oh, but it’s fine dear. Well, my daughter, before you were born, the land was dark and treacherous. ''[draws three circles in the sand with his finger]'' The people stood divided, brother fighting brother. ''[We go to a flashback, where at three stone pillars holding the magic sword, Excalibur.]'' The only hope for peace was in the legend of the sword Excalibur; for it was said, that only the true king could pull the magical sword from its stone, and unite the people. Many tried; all failed. ''[Everybody tries to pull out Excalibur, but to no avail, gave up]'' Then, on the very day you were born, ''[A young man emerges from the crowd]'' an unexpected hero stepped forth, his name was Arthur, ''[Arthur pulls out Excalibur, much to everybody's amazement]'' and he was that true king. With Excalibur at his side he led us out of the darkness ''[Years pass by, as a castle is being constructed]'' and together we built the greatest kingdom on Earth, ''[Everybody helped build a kingdom]'' everyone rejoiced. ''[All of Camelot's residents danced and formed the three interlocked rings, showing union and Kayley is dancing inside a drawn circle, where she is dreaming about Camelot]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[shows Kayley the shield representing the three rings]'' And so these three rings represent the unity of our people. As a knight, I took an oath to protect Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur. :'''Kayley''': The knights are here! :'''Sir Lionel''': I must go now, Kayley. The king has summoned his knights for a special day in Camelot. ''[kisses Lady Juliana and begins to ride off]'' Goodbye. :'''Kayley''': I’m coming with you, daddy! :'''Sir Lionel''': Yes, when you are old enough, Kayley. I will take you to Camelot. I promise. I love you. :'''Kayley''': One day, I will be a knight, like father. :'''Sir Lionel''': Let’s go! :''[The knights ride off as "Warner Bros. Presents" fades in and fades out. We pan upwards to the sky as the film title "Quest for Camelot" [or "The Magic Sword: Quest for Camelot" in some countries] fades in and fades out. The knights travels on their horses on the main road to Camelot as the opening credits appear. The knights travel three days without stopping on their way to Camelot like '''[[w:The Swan Princess|The Swan Princess]]''', '''[[w:The Sword in the Stone (1963 film)|The Sword in the Stone]]''', and '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped|Crash Bandicoot: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Knight Chorus'''': ''[singing]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. ''[The drawbridge lowers as "Directed by Frederik Du Chau" fades in and fades out and the knights go inside Camelot]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. :''[Sir Lionel passes a young boy who is seemly blind is practicing his skills. The knights are greeted by their friends. Arthur appears at the main entrance of the castle with his advisor Merlin.]'' :'''King Arthur''': ''[singing]'' It's been 10 years we celebrate, All that made our kingdom great, Liberty and justice for all, Each of us we now divide, for equal shares our countryside, promising equality for all we reside! :'''Knights of the Round Table''': United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand; brother to brother; no 1 shall be greater than all. ::[[Liberty]] – [[Justice]] – [[Trust]] ::[[Freedom]] – [[Peace]] – [[Honor]] ::[[Goodness]] – [[Strength]] – [[Valor]] :'''Ruber''': ME! ''[To Knights]'' ''Charming'' sing along. Now, let's get down to business. I waited a long time for this day. ''What about my new land?!'' :'''King Arthur''': Sir Ruber. Always thinking of yourself. As knights of the round table, our obligation is to the people, not to ourselves. The land will be divided according to each person’s needs. :'''Ruber''': Then I need more than everyone. I wouldn't have supported you all these years if I thought you were running a charity. :'''Sir Lionel''': The King has decided! :'''Ruber''': Then it's time for the new king, and I vote for me. :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[?; to Ruber]'' [[VeggieTales#Gideon: Tuba Warrior|I will not serve a false king.]] :'''Ruber''': Then serve... A DEAD 1! ''[Ruber draws a mace and leaps at Arthur; the other knights try to stop him, but he fights through them and strikes at Arthur, only to be disarmed and knocked flying by Excalibur.]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and ALL WILL BE MINE!! ''[He runs out of the room with the doors closing behind him as the knights throw spears at him. On the other side, Ruber barricades a door with a wooden beam before running off in exile as nine spears pierce the doors. Back in the room, the knights gather round Sir Lionel who is lying on the floor, motionless.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Arthur''': In the 10 years since Sir Lionel's [[w:death|death]], [[w:Egalitarianism|equality]] and [[w:freedom|freedom]] have spread throughout the lands. Excalibur has given us the strength to stand together against all injustice. Camelot has prospered beyond our greatest dreams- ''[Ruber's Griffin crashes into the tower roof]'' :'''Knight 4''': It's a Griffin. ''[The Griffin growls as King Arthur is about to reach Excalibur with his hand very slowly, but The Griffin grabs Excalibur with his beak, breaking a piece of the chair, and biting King Arthur's arm. The Griffin flies up from the round table as the other Knights start to charge and throw their swords at The Griffin]'' :'''Knight 5''': It's taken Excalibur! :'''Knight 6''': Arthur is wounded! :'''King Arthur''': Never mind me! Find Merlin and go after the sword! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ruber's men raid Lady Juliana and Kayley's home. Ruber enters, masked]'' :'''Ruber''': Knock Knock! :'''Lady Juliana''': Who-who are you? ''[Ruber takes off his helmet. Lady Juliana gasps]'' ''Ruber''! :'''Ruber''': Juliana. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd invade. How about a kiss? I hear you're still single. :'''Lady Juliana''': ''[She slaps his hand]'' ''Impertinent pig''! :'''Ruber''': Is that a No? :'''Lady Juliana''': I demand that you leave immediately! :'''Ruber''': ''So rude''! And after I came all this way. Just to see you. :'''Lady Juliana''': What do you want? :'''Ruber''': Camelot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ruber''': My faithful pet. How was the flight? Panic sweeps across the land. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': My plan is perfect. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Now, Excalibur is mine. :'''Griffin''': ''[grunts]'' Here's where we enter a gray area. Hmm. :''[Ruber grabs The Griffin by the ruff of his neck, making him groan]'' :'''Ruber''': Excuse me? You ''lost'' Excalibur? How?! :'''Griffin''': I was attacked by a falcon. :''[Ruber lets go of The Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': What? My magnificent beast outmatched by a puny, little pigeon? :'''Griffin''': It wasn't a pigeon. It was a ''falcon'', with silver wings. :'''Ruber''': ''[softly]'' Silver wings? ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary. ''[Yelling as he grabs The Griffin by the ear]'' You stupid animal! Where is the sword ''now''? :'''Griffin''': In a place of untold danger. :'''Ruber''': The Forbidden Forest. :'''Griffin''': Precisely, Master. :'''Ruber''': ''[runs his finger along the Griffin's beak and up to the top of his head and speaks softly]'' Have I told you today how magnificently and totally... worthless you are?! ''[He pulls off the Griffin's eyebrow, making him screech]'' Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! :''[He hears a horse neighing and sees Kayley riding towards the Forbidden Forest]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[screaming]'' Oh! The-the girl! :''[His "iron men" are clumsy]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to Bladebeak]'' You! You! And You! Fancy Feet! After her! And bring her back! ''[to the Griffin]'' And you... ''[he grabs the Griffin's head]'' you are going to lead me to ''[emphasizing the syllables]'' Excalibur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bladebeak''': Hey. We're not going in there, are we? :'''Minion''': Chicken. :'''Bladebeak''': But I got a wife and two eggs at home! Hey, don't leave me here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': ''[After Garrett saves her from Ruber's Iron Men]'' That was... incredible! How you, smashed those creatures! How you-you avoided that-that-that, thing! You're amazing! You're- :'''Garrett''': ''[Agrees uncaringly, as he looks over his ruined net]'' Mmhmm. :'''Kayley''': Not… even… listening to me! :'''Garrett''': Great, took me six weeks to make this net! :'''Kayley''': Net? You saved my life. Thank you. :'''Garrett''': Well, everyone can makes mistakes. :'''Kayley''': Oh, I get it. This is where King Arthur sends his unfunny jesters, right? :'''Garrett''': And now I'll thank you... :'''Kayley''': For what? :'''Garrett''': For reminding me why I'm a hermit! Good day! ''[Begins to walk away]'' :'''Kayley''': But wait! What's your name? :'''Garrett''': It's Garrett. :'''Kayley''': I'm Kayley! ''[Garrett seemingly continues to ignore her by walking on]'' Garrett! Why won't you look at me when I'm talking to you? ...Oh. Oh, I didn't realize you were... :'''Garrett''': What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome? :'''Kayley''': ''[Astonished]'' Blind. :'''Garrett''': ''[Chuckles lightly and replies sarcastically]'' ...You know, I always forget that one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': Have you got a cold? What is it? :'''Garrett''': We’re in Dragon Country. :'''Kayley''': Are you sure this is Dragon Country? I mean, shouldn't there be a sign or something? It could say, 'Welcome to Dragon Country.' ...You don't think we'll ''see'' any... do you...? Is a group of dragons a pack or a flock? Is it a gaggle or a pride? Is it a herd? :'''Garrett''': Quiet. :'''Kayley''': Do you hear something? :'''Garrett''': No, I just want you to be quiet. :'''Kayley''': ''[hands akimbo]'' Hmph! <hr width=50%/> :'''Cornwall''': Hey, hey, easy with the stick, buddy. :'''Garrett''': What are you? :'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kayley''': Stop bickering, and get your act together! :'''Devon''': Act? Did someone say Act? I can act! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during their song, but in speech]'' :'''Devon''': Trapped! Aah! Trapped! :'''Cornwall''': Stuck here with you for 500 years! :'''Devon''': Oh, dear, it's learned to count. :'''Cornwall''': If you'd got me a good lawyer, I would have split 400 years ago. :'''Devon''': Now, listen here, pal! I didn't come here to be insulted! :'''Cornwall''': Oh? Well, where do you usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, the good news is, we're out of Dragon Country. The bad news is, this is where we say goodbye. :'''Devon''': You can't leave us here! If we try to go back, we'll be banished! Ostracized. Exiled... :'''Cornwall''': Not to mention kicked out. :'''Kayley''': Why? :'''Cornwall''': Cause we just broke the dragons' cardinal rule! :'''Kayley''': Rule? :'''Devon''': What? Never wear brown shoes with the blue suit? :'''Cornwall''': No, you moron. Never help a human. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Kayley. We must make camp before dark. :'''Devon''': Camp? :'''Kayley''': ''Garrett''. Let's take them with us. Please. :'''Garrett''': Oh, I suppose so. But no more singing! :'''Devon''': How about interpretive dance? ''[Garrett sighs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Garrett''': Kayley, I must tell you, I knew your father. :'''Kayley''': You did? :'''Garrett''': I used to live in Camelot. ''[flashback]'' I was a stable boy, but I dreamt of becoming a knight. One evening, there was a fire. ''[Garrett opens the stable doors]'' I rushed to save the horses but, well… ''[A Horse hits Garrett in the eyes]'' I was hurt. At first, all I could see were shapes, then shadows. Finally, my world went black. ''[Garrett's vision blacks out. In the morning he tries to feel his way around; Sir Lionel sees him and grabs a stick]'' After I lost my sight ''[Sir Lionel passes Garrett the stick and teaches him to fight with it]'' Your father was the only one who still believed in me. He taught me that a knight's strength comes from his heart ''[Merlin and Ayden watch]'' and his loyalty to the Oath of Camelot. :'''Sir Lionel''': United we stand. :'''Both''': Now and forever. :'''Garrett''': Any hope I had of becoming a knight, died with him. :'''Kayley''': I felt that way too, but I knew he would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up either. You're as good as any knight in Camelot. :'''Garrett''': You really think so? <hr width=50%/> :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, we lost 'em again. :''[Ruber prepares to strike him; then looks up along the path]''. :'''Ruber''': Ah! That's where they went. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh. :'''Garrett''': What is it? :'''Kayley''': We've lost the tracks. :''[Noise]'' :'''Kayley''': Tell me that was your stomach. :'''Garrett''': ''[shakes head]'' It was the [[w:Ogre|Ogre]]. :'''Devon''': "Ogre"?! :'''Cornwall''': Well, see ya, good luck, have a nice life;–– whatever's left of it. :'''Kayley''': What's so scary about ogres? :''[the skeleton of a large animal falls into their midst]'' :'''Devon''': Their appetite! :'''Cornwall''': Oh, no; I think it's Uncle Yorick! :'''Devon''': Alas, poor Yorick! :'''Garrett''': ''[listening to Ayden the Falcon]'' Quick! Get out of the way! :''[The Ogre stamps on the skeleton, discards more bones, and drops an ornate sheath]'' :'''Kayley''': It's the scabbard from Excalibur! He ''does'' have the [[sword]]. :''[Later]'' :'''Garrett''': Ogres sleep in the day. We'll wait for him to fall asleep, then, we'll grab the sword! :'''Devon''': Define "We". :'''Garrett''': Shh! Quiet! The slightest noise and we're finished! :'''Devon''': ''[looks around at skeletons along the walls of the Ogre's lair]'' Hmm. Charming place. I must get the name of his decorator. :'''Garrett''': What's he doing? :'''Kayley''': I can't see him. :'''Garrett''': He's here; I can smell him. :''[The Ogre moves]''. :'''Kayley''': You're right; he is here. :'''Garrett''': Where's Excalibur? :'''Kayley''': ''[aghast]'' He's using it as a toothpick! :'''Garrett''': Tell me when he falls asleep. :''[The Ogre gives a yawn and noisily lies down]''. :'''Cornwall''': Let me guess: he fell asleep! :'''Garrett''': Describe the lay-out. :'''Kayley''': There's a ledge, just above the sword! But it's gotta be a twenty-foot drop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iron Crossbowman''': Hey boss! Look! There they are– :'''Ruber''': Shut up! (I hate ogres.) Walk this way. :'''Devon''': Oh, no, it's him. :'''Garrett''': Hey! :''[The Griffin sneezes; everyone gasps; the Ogre wakes]''. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh! Nap-time's over! Quick! Swing me back-and-forth! :'''Garrett''': Can you reach it? :'''Kayley''': I've got it! :''[Kayley & Co. escape. The Ogre pins the Iron Men to the wall, and sits on Ruber and the Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': The Ogre's butt! :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, at least things can't get any worse. :''[The ground begins to shake]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to the Griffin]'' Wanna bet? :''[Loud noise and gust of wind blowing Ruber and the Griffin over the heroes, who duck their heads and cover their noses as they run out of the Ogre's cave. Ruber and the Griffin crash into a cave wall]'' :'''Ruber''': Seize them! :'''Griffin''': ''[groaning, strained]'' Yes, Master. :'''Devon''': There's no way out! :'''Kayley''': There's one way out: you'll have to fly! :'''Devon''': We can't fly! (We explained that before our song). :''[Garrett seizes Kayley, Devon, & Cornwall and leaps with them into the canyon]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Ayden flies through the end of the forest, Kayley pulls back a branch to see Camelot in the distance]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! Oh Garrett, it's so beautiful! :'''Garrett''': Hmmm. :'''Kayley''': I wish you could see it. :'''Garrett''': I have seen it. And there was no place for me. ''[hands her Excalibur]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett, what's wrong? :'''Garrett''': Take Excalibur to Arthur. You don't have much time. ''[Turns back towards the Forbidden Forest. Kayley is confused. Devon and Cornwall are dumbfounded]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[Runs ahead of him, blocking his path]'' But we'll deliver the sword together. :'''Garrett''': No. You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world. ''[Moves past her]'' :'''Garrett''': Come on, Ayden. :'''Kayley''': ''[softly]'' But you belong in mine. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kayley is captured by Ruber and his Iron Men]'' :'''Ruber''': I'll take that. ''[takes Excalibur from its scabbard]'' Oh, ''[emphasizes the syllables of Excalibur and speaks softly]'' Excalibur! Mine! Forever! ''[to Kayley]'' You've been quite annoying... for a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Devon''': Kayley's been captured! :'''Cornwall''': And Ruber's got Excalibur! :'''Garrett''': What?! Take me to her! Come on, Ayden. :'''Cornwall''': They're halfway to Camelot by now. :'''Devon''': Oh, right! We've have to fly there to get there in [[time]]! Ruber drives me completely nuts! He makes me so mad, and angry! :'''Cornwall''': He's definitely a jerk; a giant jerk! :'''Devon''': The foulth [sic] of it! :'''Cornwall''': Wait 'til we get to Camelot. We'll show him a thing or two! Won't we? :'''Devon''': Yes! We darn well will! :'''Garrett''': ''[waves his staff under them]'' You're flying. :'''Devon''': Gosh! He's right. We are flying. :'''Cornwall''': ''I did it''! ''[showing off his biceps]'' I'm great. ''[kisses his biceps twice]'' I love me! I did it. :''[Devon hits him on the head]'' :'''Devon''': Excuse me, egomaniac, I think you mean I did it. :'''Cornwall''': No; careful! ''[They fall into a mud pool]'' :'''Garrett''': Don't you get it?! The only reason you can't fly is because you can't agree on anything! There must be something you can agree on. You both love Kayley, don't you? :''[Devon and Cornwall spit out mud, sigh, and look at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to a bunch of storm clouds, The Griffin flies from them in front of the camera and flies over it. The wagons are heading towards the drawbridge of Camelot as the storm clouds slowly circle the kingdom.]'' :'''Guard''': Wagons approaching! :''[Ruber has hidden himself in a black cape to disguise himself.]'' :'''Ruber''': [whispering] Not a word. And let's all keep our heads, shall we? :''[Juliana turns to the inside of the wagon to see that the Spike-Slinger Thug has tied Kayley's hands and holds his blade close to her neck. He laughs evilly when he does. Juliana gasped and turned back round to the front.]'' :'''Guard''': It's Lady Juliana, lower the bridge at once! :''[The drawbridge lowers. Ruber grins evilly as the wagons and himself enter Camelot. The camera zooms towards Arthur's bedroom tower]'' :'''African-Descendant Guard''': Pardon me, my king. Lady Juliana has payed us a surprise visit. :'''King Arthur''': Ah, good. ''[he rises from his chair]'' Tell her I'll receive her at the round table. :''[Meanwhile, the wagons had arrived in Camelot. Ruber's minions have hidden themselves in the carts. Ruber looks around carefully to see if no-one is suspicious. A girl plays with her doll, as her dog barks happily, she drops the doll, until her mother picks it up and hands it back to her. Ruber's horse slows down]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[quietly]'' Steady, steady. :''[The residents walk around the wagons, as Ruber grins to himself, evilly. Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels goes over a rock, causing it to jolt. Kayley, who is now bound and gagged, kicks the thug with her legs, causing him to fall through the floor and scrapes himself on the tiles. Kayley dodges as the thugs pierces the wooden beams with his claws. Bladebeak had finished reconciling with his wife and turns to Kayley]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Ah! Bladebeak, at your service! ''[he uses his "beak" to slice off the ropes on Kayley's hands, and Kayley unties the gag. The wagons have come to a halt in front of the castle]'' :'''Knight''': Lady Juliana? :''[Kayley suddenly bursts out of the wagon]'' :'''Kayley''': Hey! It's a trap! :''[The residents and the knights gasp in fright, Ruber reveals himself and his horse neighs.]'' :'''Ruber''': ATTACK! :''[The knights gasp as Ruber charges on his horse towards them. Then, all of the thugs burst out of the wagons, scaring off the residents. Finally, the Spike-Slinger Thug, burst out of the wagon, slicing it, into pieces. Ruber slices most of the knights' spears and swords with Excalibur.]'' :'''Ruber''': SEAL OFF THE CASTLE! :''[Everyone ran for the lives. Ruber charges on his horse into the castle, and two of his thugs block up the front doors after Ruber went in. The knights charged towards the ironmen, but they were defeated. A knight tries to strike the mace-wielding thug with his sword, but the blade broke off in contact. Then a thug's grabs a knight and hurls him to a another knight, next to a pit of fiery coals. The knight crashed into the pit, knocking it over, spilling out the coals, causing fire to spread near the stables. The knights again, try to defeat the ironmen, but to no avail. A knight was thrown back.]'' :'''Knight''': Ruber has breached the castle keep, The king is still inside! :''[Kayley looks at the front doors that have now been blocked and then at the tower's scaffolding.]'' :'''Kayley''': Mother, I must help the King. :''[She head off to the scaffolding]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Don't worry, we'll be fine! [he grins, and his wife looks at him] :''[Kayley has made her way on the ramparts and tries to run across the scaffolding to get into the castle, but the Griffin flies in, and Kayley jumps off the scaffolding and out of the way as the Griffin smashes through the scaffolding. Then two thugs came from both sides of her and corner her on the rampart's edge. Then Kayley loses her balance, and seemingly falls off the ramparts and off-screen. Then after one second, Kayley is raised back up, and turns out that Garrett had broke her fall with his staff and is now on Devon and Cornwall who are now flying.]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett! You came back! :'''Garrett''': Heads up! ''[Garrett jumps down, and Kayley dodges as Devon and Cornwall swung their tail at the thugs, causing them to fall into the moat, screaming.]'' Sorry I'm late. I hate flying coach. :''[the two hug each other in reunion]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' You're flying! :'''Devon''': Yes, we are frequent fliers now! :''[Meanwhile, Arthur heads down the corridor to the Round Table Room]'' :'''King Arthur''': Juliana? :''[Then we cut to Ruber sitting in Arthur's damaged chair, waiting for him]'' :'''Ruber''': Ta-da! :'''King Arthur''': Ruber! :'''Ruber''': Pleased to see me? ''[After hearing the doors are being locked. Arthur grabs a nearby spear. Ruber walks up from the throne, hiding his arm with his cape.]'' A spear? ''[he chuckles mockingly]'' How [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]! A king would hold a nobler weapon! A king would hold ''[He pulls off his cape, revealing the bonded Excalibur on his hand]''... Excalibur! [Ruber twitches his eye] :''[We cut back to the ramparts]'' :'''Garrett''': Where's Ruber? :'''Kayley''': He has the king trapped inside, there's no way in! :'''Garrett''': The King... Wait, I know a way! Through the stables! :''[Suddenly, the Griffin flies into view, Kayley and Garrett gasp. But Ayden attacks the Griffin, causing the creature to chase the falcon off. Then, more of Ruber's minions are closing in.]'' :'''Kayley''': Give me your hand. ''[spotting a haystack cart with a horse] Jump! [Both Kayley and Garrett jump down from the rampart, and into the cart. Kayley lands in the hay, and Garrett lands in front and rides the cart off to the stables]'' Garrett, what're you doing?! :'''Garrett''': I'm driving! :'''Kayley''': You think that's a good idea?! :'''Garrett''': No problem! Hang on! :'''Kayley''': Oh, no, Garrett! Right! Right! Look out! :''[A sharp swerve, and they fall from the cart into the stables]'' :'''Garrett''': See, that wasn't so bad… was it? :'''Ruber''': ''[to Arthur]'' So many memories in this room… makes me wanna puke! You said, Everyone at this Table, was equal; well, I have something sweeter: [[revenge]]! :'''Garrett''': These tunnels lead to the Round Table. :'''Kayley''': I can't see! :'''Garrett''': Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. :'''Griffin''': ''[seizes Ayden]'' Finally, Silverwings; you're mine! :'''Devon''': Well, excuse me! :'''Cornwall''': Pick on somebody your own size. ''[to Devon]'' Let's barbecue this bully. :'''Devon''': I couldn't agree more! :''[They blow fire at the Griffin, who drops Ayden; Cornwall catches him]''. :'''Cornwall''': Hang on, little birdie! :''[Devon and Cornwall then chase off the Griffin by repeatedly breathe fire at him. Back in Camelot, Juliana is tending to as injured knight as Bladebeak and his wife watch on. Then the Mace-Wielding Thugs spins its mace-balls around, roaring. Bladebeak steps up to him]'' :'''Bladebeak''': You got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well, do ya punk?! :''[Bladebeak squawks as he jumps on the mace-wielding thug and starts to peck on his neck with his "beak". Bladebeak's wife turns to Juliana and points at him and then to herself, as if she was saying, "That's my man!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Isn't this everything you've ever wanted? :'''Garrett''': Well, not quite... everything... ''[they kiss; Devon blows kisses at Cornwall]'' :'''Cornwall''': Hey! Don't even think about it. :'''Merlin''': Well done, Ayden. ===She's On Way Day End Title Song=== Random ==Crazy credits== * Devon and Cornwall will be back in ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]''. ==Cast== * [[w:Jessalyn Gilsig| Jessalyn Gilsig]] — [[Kayley]] ** [[w:Andrea Corr|Andrea Corr]] (singing voice) ** [[w:Sarah Rayne|Sarah Rayne]] — Young Kayley * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — [[Garrett]] ** [[w:Bryan White|Bryan White]] (singing voice) * [[w:Gary Oldman|Gary Oldman]] — [[Baron Ruber|Ruber]] * [[w:Eric Idle|Eric Idle]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Devon]] * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Cornwall]] * [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] — [[Lady Juliana|Juliana]] ** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]] (singing voice) * [[Pierce Brosnan]] — [[King Arthur (Quest for Camelot)|King Arthur]] ** [[w:Steve Perry|Steve Perry]] (singing voice) * [[w:Bronson Pinchot|Bronson Pinchot]] — [[Griffin (Quest for Camelot)|The Griffin]] * [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] — [[Bladebeak]] * [[w:Gabriel Byrne|Gabriel Byrne]] — [[Sir Lionel]] * [[w:John Gielgud|John Gielgud]] — [[Merlin (Quest for Camelot)|Merlin]] * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — [[Ayden|Ayden the Falcon]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Films directed by Frederik Du Chau]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] nml7f3knz1q8iig9sdkg17axr7xtzli 3944529 3944528 2026-05-23T16:59:22Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944529 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Quest for Camelot|Quest for Camelot]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998 animated film]] from [[w:Warner Bros. Animation|Warner Bros. Animation]] about a young woman named Kayley who wants to be a knight of the Round Table in Camelot like her father, a blind young man named Garrett who wishes only to be left alone, and their quest to find [[Excalibur]]. It is loosely based on the novel ''[[w:The King's Damosel|The King's Damosel]]'' by [[w:Vera Chapman|Vera Chapman]]. :''Directed by [[w:Frederik Du Chau|Frederik Du Chau]]. Written by [[w:Kirk De Micco|Kirk De Micco]], [[w:Jacqueline Feather|Jacqueline Feather]], and [[w:David Seidler|David Seidler]]. {{center|'''Garrett & Kayley: A noble warrior and a brave girl find the magical sword.'''}} == [[King Arthur]] == * ''[After they all put Sir Lionel in the stone coffin with stone pillars at Lady Juliana's Farm. Tears run down Kayley's face as Arthur gives Sir Lionel's dented shield to Lady Juliana, who also cries]'' Your husband died saving my life. And saving Camelot. Lady Juliana, the gates of Camelot will always be open to you. ''[Addresses the others:]'' Sir Lionel was my most trusted knight. And also my dear, dear friend. We will always remember how he bravely upheld the ideals of Camelot. ''[He then takes out Excalibur and holds it in the air and the other knights take out their swords and hold them in the air in respect for their deceased knight.]'' * ''[Final lines]'' I dub thee, Sir Garrett. I dub thee, Lady Kayley. Thank you for saving Camelot. You have reminded us, the kingdom's strength… is not based in the strength of the king, but the strength of the people. From this day forward, you will both sit as Knights of the Round Table! ''[all cheer]'' ==Kayley== *''[after seeing her father ride off with the knights to Camelot]'' One day, I'll be a knight, like father. *''[to herself, lamenting on the normal everyday life after she and her mother disagree over her dreams of becoming a knight]'' How am I going to do great things if I'm stuck here with these silly chickens? *''[To Ruber, before she swings down with a large wooden beam to knock him away from the king]'' I will not serve a false king! ==Garrett== *''[His first lines, after Kayley falls into a swamp bed and gets tangled in a net]'' Hey! That's ''my'' net. *''[to Ayden]'' You don't understand. In Camelot, she'd only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything. ==Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed [[Dragon]]== *'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. ''[Explaining why they're "conjoined twin dragons"]'' Oh. ''Enchanté'', ''mademoiselle''. I'm Devon, and this ''growth'' on my neck is Cornwall. *'''Cornwall''': But you can call me "Corny", for short. ''[Meeting Kayley for the first time]'' *'''Devon''': ''[walking through The Ogre's "den" - filled with skeletons - sarcastically and quietly]'' ''Charming place''. I must get the name of his decorator. *'''Cornwall''': Tell ya what: next time, you try to fly, and we'll hold on! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Kayley, after Garrett has left the group]'' Forget about him. You're better off alone. He walks funny. He talks funny. People throw darts at him. *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, appalled]'' How can you be so cold-blooded?! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Devon]'' I'm a reptile. ''[He sticks his tongue out]'' *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, poking him]'' Listen, you Jurassic twit! Kayley deserves someone who will [[love]] her. ''[Devon performs the following actions upon Cornwall]'' Someone... who'll hold her in his arms, ''[he squeezes Cornwall's head until his eyes bulge]'' who'll run his fingers through her hair, ''[he runs his fingers across Cornwall's head]'' look deeply in her eyes, ''[holds Cornwall eye-to-eye, then releases him]'' and make her feel like a real woman! ''[He kisses Cornwall; both spit and splutter]'' ==Ruber== *''[After Arthur had repelled him with Excalibur]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and all will be mine! *''[To Juliana]'' I'm so glad you've noticed! I've been working at it for years! *''[after he used his magic potion to fasten Excalibur to his hand]'' Don't worry, little girl. I'll make sure Arthur gets it back. Or gets it ''in'' the back. ''[laughs]'' As the case may be! ''[Softly]'' Throw her into the wagon. *''[after Kayley stops him from attacking the king]'' You're in the way, just like your father! Since you're dying to be like him! ''[he swings Excalibur at her, but she dodges]'' Let's see if I can help you out! *''[his last words]'' Two, for the price of one! This must be my lucky day. Oh, no! The stone! ''[explosion; Ruber dies]'' ==Bladebeak== * ''[Covered in mud while one-eyed mosslike creatures are looking at him]'' [[Taxi Driver|Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?]] ''[The one-eyed stalk creatures disappear. He turns. The one-eyed creatures look at him again, but disappear as soon as he turns back to them]'' * Bladebeak, at your service! ''[Frees Kayley]'' * ''[confronting an iron man]'' You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel - clucky?" Well, do ya... punk? ''[He pecks the iron man]'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Come on. ''[While Sir Lionel is helping Lady Juliana getting off her horse.]'' Father! ''[As she jumps into her father's arms, they roll down onto a sandy beach.]'' Father, do you really have to go? :'''Sir Lionel''': I’m afraid I must, Kayley. You know the King’s Knights will be here soon. :'''Kayley''': Tell me again, why you became a knight. :'''Lady Juliana''': Kayley, you’ve heard it a thousand times! :'''Sir Lionel''': Oh, but it’s fine dear. Well, my daughter, before you were born, the land was dark and treacherous. ''[draws three circles in the sand with his finger]'' The people stood divided, brother fighting brother. ''[We go to a flashback, where at three stone pillars holding the magic sword, Excalibur.]'' The only hope for peace was in the legend of the sword Excalibur; for it was said, that only the true king could pull the magical sword from its stone, and unite the people. Many tried; all failed. ''[Everybody tries to pull out Excalibur, but to no avail, gave up]'' Then, on the very day you were born, ''[A young man emerges from the crowd]'' an unexpected hero stepped forth, his name was Arthur, ''[Arthur pulls out Excalibur, much to everybody's amazement]'' and he was that true king. With Excalibur at his side he led us out of the darkness ''[Years pass by, as a castle is being constructed]'' and together we built the greatest kingdom on Earth, ''[Everybody helped build a kingdom]'' everyone rejoiced. ''[All of Camelot's residents danced and formed the three interlocked rings, showing union and Kayley is dancing inside a drawn circle, where she is dreaming about Camelot]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[shows Kayley the shield representing the three rings]'' And so these three rings represent the unity of our people. As a knight, I took an oath to protect Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur. :'''Kayley''': The knights are here! :'''Sir Lionel''': I must go now, Kayley. The king has summoned his knights for a special day in Camelot. ''[kisses Lady Juliana and begins to ride off]'' Goodbye. :'''Kayley''': I’m coming with you, daddy! :'''Sir Lionel''': Yes, when you are old enough, Kayley. I will take you to Camelot. I promise. I love you. :'''Kayley''': One day, I will be a knight, like father. :'''Sir Lionel''': Let’s go! :''[The knights ride off as "Warner Bros. Presents" fades in and fades out. We pan upwards to the sky as the film title "Quest for Camelot" [or "The Magic Sword: Quest for Camelot" in some countries] fades in and fades out. The knights travels on their horses on the main road to Camelot as the opening credits appear. The knights travel three days without stopping on their way to Camelot like '''[[w:The Swan Princess|The Swan Princess]]''', '''[[w:The Sword in the Stone (1963 film)|The Sword in the Stone]]''', and '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Knight Chorus'''': ''[singing]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. ''[The drawbridge lowers as "Directed by Frederik Du Chau" fades in and fades out and the knights go inside Camelot]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. :''[Sir Lionel passes a young boy who is seemly blind is practicing his skills. The knights are greeted by their friends. Arthur appears at the main entrance of the castle with his advisor Merlin.]'' :'''King Arthur''': ''[singing]'' It's been 10 years we celebrate, All that made our kingdom great, Liberty and justice for all, Each of us we now divide, for equal shares our countryside, promising equality for all we reside! :'''Knights of the Round Table''': United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand; brother to brother; no 1 shall be greater than all. ::[[Liberty]] – [[Justice]] – [[Trust]] ::[[Freedom]] – [[Peace]] – [[Honor]] ::[[Goodness]] – [[Strength]] – [[Valor]] :'''Ruber''': ME! ''[To Knights]'' ''Charming'' sing along. Now, let's get down to business. I waited a long time for this day. ''What about my new land?!'' :'''King Arthur''': Sir Ruber. Always thinking of yourself. As knights of the round table, our obligation is to the people, not to ourselves. The land will be divided according to each person’s needs. :'''Ruber''': Then I need more than everyone. I wouldn't have supported you all these years if I thought you were running a charity. :'''Sir Lionel''': The King has decided! :'''Ruber''': Then it's time for the new king, and I vote for me. :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[?; to Ruber]'' [[VeggieTales#Gideon: Tuba Warrior|I will not serve a false king.]] :'''Ruber''': Then serve... A DEAD 1! ''[Ruber draws a mace and leaps at Arthur; the other knights try to stop him, but he fights through them and strikes at Arthur, only to be disarmed and knocked flying by Excalibur.]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and ALL WILL BE MINE!! ''[He runs out of the room with the doors closing behind him as the knights throw spears at him. On the other side, Ruber barricades a door with a wooden beam before running off in exile as nine spears pierce the doors. Back in the room, the knights gather round Sir Lionel who is lying on the floor, motionless.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Arthur''': In the 10 years since Sir Lionel's [[w:death|death]], [[w:Egalitarianism|equality]] and [[w:freedom|freedom]] have spread throughout the lands. Excalibur has given us the strength to stand together against all injustice. Camelot has prospered beyond our greatest dreams- ''[Ruber's Griffin crashes into the tower roof]'' :'''Knight 4''': It's a Griffin. ''[The Griffin growls as King Arthur is about to reach Excalibur with his hand very slowly, but The Griffin grabs Excalibur with his beak, breaking a piece of the chair, and biting King Arthur's arm. The Griffin flies up from the round table as the other Knights start to charge and throw their swords at The Griffin]'' :'''Knight 5''': It's taken Excalibur! :'''Knight 6''': Arthur is wounded! :'''King Arthur''': Never mind me! Find Merlin and go after the sword! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ruber's men raid Lady Juliana and Kayley's home. Ruber enters, masked]'' :'''Ruber''': Knock Knock! :'''Lady Juliana''': Who-who are you? ''[Ruber takes off his helmet. Lady Juliana gasps]'' ''Ruber''! :'''Ruber''': Juliana. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd invade. How about a kiss? I hear you're still single. :'''Lady Juliana''': ''[She slaps his hand]'' ''Impertinent pig''! :'''Ruber''': Is that a No? :'''Lady Juliana''': I demand that you leave immediately! :'''Ruber''': ''So rude''! And after I came all this way. Just to see you. :'''Lady Juliana''': What do you want? :'''Ruber''': Camelot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ruber''': My faithful pet. How was the flight? Panic sweeps across the land. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': My plan is perfect. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Now, Excalibur is mine. :'''Griffin''': ''[grunts]'' Here's where we enter a gray area. Hmm. :''[Ruber grabs The Griffin by the ruff of his neck, making him groan]'' :'''Ruber''': Excuse me? You ''lost'' Excalibur? How?! :'''Griffin''': I was attacked by a falcon. :''[Ruber lets go of The Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': What? My magnificent beast outmatched by a puny, little pigeon? :'''Griffin''': It wasn't a pigeon. It was a ''falcon'', with silver wings. :'''Ruber''': ''[softly]'' Silver wings? ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary. ''[Yelling as he grabs The Griffin by the ear]'' You stupid animal! Where is the sword ''now''? :'''Griffin''': In a place of untold danger. :'''Ruber''': The Forbidden Forest. :'''Griffin''': Precisely, Master. :'''Ruber''': ''[runs his finger along the Griffin's beak and up to the top of his head and speaks softly]'' Have I told you today how magnificently and totally... worthless you are?! ''[He pulls off the Griffin's eyebrow, making him screech]'' Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! :''[He hears a horse neighing and sees Kayley riding towards the Forbidden Forest]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[screaming]'' Oh! The-the girl! :''[His "iron men" are clumsy]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to Bladebeak]'' You! You! And You! Fancy Feet! After her! And bring her back! ''[to the Griffin]'' And you... ''[he grabs the Griffin's head]'' you are going to lead me to ''[emphasizing the syllables]'' Excalibur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bladebeak''': Hey. We're not going in there, are we? :'''Minion''': Chicken. :'''Bladebeak''': But I got a wife and two eggs at home! Hey, don't leave me here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': ''[After Garrett saves her from Ruber's Iron Men]'' That was... incredible! How you, smashed those creatures! How you-you avoided that-that-that, thing! You're amazing! You're- :'''Garrett''': ''[Agrees uncaringly, as he looks over his ruined net]'' Mmhmm. :'''Kayley''': Not… even… listening to me! :'''Garrett''': Great, took me six weeks to make this net! :'''Kayley''': Net? You saved my life. Thank you. :'''Garrett''': Well, everyone can makes mistakes. :'''Kayley''': Oh, I get it. This is where King Arthur sends his unfunny jesters, right? :'''Garrett''': And now I'll thank you... :'''Kayley''': For what? :'''Garrett''': For reminding me why I'm a hermit! Good day! ''[Begins to walk away]'' :'''Kayley''': But wait! What's your name? :'''Garrett''': It's Garrett. :'''Kayley''': I'm Kayley! ''[Garrett seemingly continues to ignore her by walking on]'' Garrett! Why won't you look at me when I'm talking to you? ...Oh. Oh, I didn't realize you were... :'''Garrett''': What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome? :'''Kayley''': ''[Astonished]'' Blind. :'''Garrett''': ''[Chuckles lightly and replies sarcastically]'' ...You know, I always forget that one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': Have you got a cold? What is it? :'''Garrett''': We’re in Dragon Country. :'''Kayley''': Are you sure this is Dragon Country? I mean, shouldn't there be a sign or something? It could say, 'Welcome to Dragon Country.' ...You don't think we'll ''see'' any... do you...? Is a group of dragons a pack or a flock? Is it a gaggle or a pride? Is it a herd? :'''Garrett''': Quiet. :'''Kayley''': Do you hear something? :'''Garrett''': No, I just want you to be quiet. :'''Kayley''': ''[hands akimbo]'' Hmph! <hr width=50%/> :'''Cornwall''': Hey, hey, easy with the stick, buddy. :'''Garrett''': What are you? :'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kayley''': Stop bickering, and get your act together! :'''Devon''': Act? Did someone say Act? I can act! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during their song, but in speech]'' :'''Devon''': Trapped! Aah! Trapped! :'''Cornwall''': Stuck here with you for 500 years! :'''Devon''': Oh, dear, it's learned to count. :'''Cornwall''': If you'd got me a good lawyer, I would have split 400 years ago. :'''Devon''': Now, listen here, pal! I didn't come here to be insulted! :'''Cornwall''': Oh? Well, where do you usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, the good news is, we're out of Dragon Country. The bad news is, this is where we say goodbye. :'''Devon''': You can't leave us here! If we try to go back, we'll be banished! Ostracized. Exiled... :'''Cornwall''': Not to mention kicked out. :'''Kayley''': Why? :'''Cornwall''': Cause we just broke the dragons' cardinal rule! :'''Kayley''': Rule? :'''Devon''': What? Never wear brown shoes with the blue suit? :'''Cornwall''': No, you moron. Never help a human. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Kayley. We must make camp before dark. :'''Devon''': Camp? :'''Kayley''': ''Garrett''. Let's take them with us. Please. :'''Garrett''': Oh, I suppose so. But no more singing! :'''Devon''': How about interpretive dance? ''[Garrett sighs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Garrett''': Kayley, I must tell you, I knew your father. :'''Kayley''': You did? :'''Garrett''': I used to live in Camelot. ''[flashback]'' I was a stable boy, but I dreamt of becoming a knight. One evening, there was a fire. ''[Garrett opens the stable doors]'' I rushed to save the horses but, well… ''[A Horse hits Garrett in the eyes]'' I was hurt. At first, all I could see were shapes, then shadows. Finally, my world went black. ''[Garrett's vision blacks out. In the morning he tries to feel his way around; Sir Lionel sees him and grabs a stick]'' After I lost my sight ''[Sir Lionel passes Garrett the stick and teaches him to fight with it]'' Your father was the only one who still believed in me. He taught me that a knight's strength comes from his heart ''[Merlin and Ayden watch]'' and his loyalty to the Oath of Camelot. :'''Sir Lionel''': United we stand. :'''Both''': Now and forever. :'''Garrett''': Any hope I had of becoming a knight, died with him. :'''Kayley''': I felt that way too, but I knew he would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up either. You're as good as any knight in Camelot. :'''Garrett''': You really think so? <hr width=50%/> :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, we lost 'em again. :''[Ruber prepares to strike him; then looks up along the path]''. :'''Ruber''': Ah! That's where they went. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh. :'''Garrett''': What is it? :'''Kayley''': We've lost the tracks. :''[Noise]'' :'''Kayley''': Tell me that was your stomach. :'''Garrett''': ''[shakes head]'' It was the [[w:Ogre|Ogre]]. :'''Devon''': "Ogre"?! :'''Cornwall''': Well, see ya, good luck, have a nice life;–– whatever's left of it. :'''Kayley''': What's so scary about ogres? :''[the skeleton of a large animal falls into their midst]'' :'''Devon''': Their appetite! :'''Cornwall''': Oh, no; I think it's Uncle Yorick! :'''Devon''': Alas, poor Yorick! :'''Garrett''': ''[listening to Ayden the Falcon]'' Quick! Get out of the way! :''[The Ogre stamps on the skeleton, discards more bones, and drops an ornate sheath]'' :'''Kayley''': It's the scabbard from Excalibur! He ''does'' have the [[sword]]. :''[Later]'' :'''Garrett''': Ogres sleep in the day. We'll wait for him to fall asleep, then, we'll grab the sword! :'''Devon''': Define "We". :'''Garrett''': Shh! Quiet! The slightest noise and we're finished! :'''Devon''': ''[looks around at skeletons along the walls of the Ogre's lair]'' Hmm. Charming place. I must get the name of his decorator. :'''Garrett''': What's he doing? :'''Kayley''': I can't see him. :'''Garrett''': He's here; I can smell him. :''[The Ogre moves]''. :'''Kayley''': You're right; he is here. :'''Garrett''': Where's Excalibur? :'''Kayley''': ''[aghast]'' He's using it as a toothpick! :'''Garrett''': Tell me when he falls asleep. :''[The Ogre gives a yawn and noisily lies down]''. :'''Cornwall''': Let me guess: he fell asleep! :'''Garrett''': Describe the lay-out. :'''Kayley''': There's a ledge, just above the sword! But it's gotta be a twenty-foot drop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iron Crossbowman''': Hey boss! Look! There they are– :'''Ruber''': Shut up! (I hate ogres.) Walk this way. :'''Devon''': Oh, no, it's him. :'''Garrett''': Hey! :''[The Griffin sneezes; everyone gasps; the Ogre wakes]''. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh! Nap-time's over! Quick! Swing me back-and-forth! :'''Garrett''': Can you reach it? :'''Kayley''': I've got it! :''[Kayley & Co. escape. The Ogre pins the Iron Men to the wall, and sits on Ruber and the Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': The Ogre's butt! :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, at least things can't get any worse. :''[The ground begins to shake]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to the Griffin]'' Wanna bet? :''[Loud noise and gust of wind blowing Ruber and the Griffin over the heroes, who duck their heads and cover their noses as they run out of the Ogre's cave. Ruber and the Griffin crash into a cave wall]'' :'''Ruber''': Seize them! :'''Griffin''': ''[groaning, strained]'' Yes, Master. :'''Devon''': There's no way out! :'''Kayley''': There's one way out: you'll have to fly! :'''Devon''': We can't fly! (We explained that before our song). :''[Garrett seizes Kayley, Devon, & Cornwall and leaps with them into the canyon]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Ayden flies through the end of the forest, Kayley pulls back a branch to see Camelot in the distance]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! Oh Garrett, it's so beautiful! :'''Garrett''': Hmmm. :'''Kayley''': I wish you could see it. :'''Garrett''': I have seen it. And there was no place for me. ''[hands her Excalibur]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett, what's wrong? :'''Garrett''': Take Excalibur to Arthur. You don't have much time. ''[Turns back towards the Forbidden Forest. Kayley is confused. Devon and Cornwall are dumbfounded]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[Runs ahead of him, blocking his path]'' But we'll deliver the sword together. :'''Garrett''': No. You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world. ''[Moves past her]'' :'''Garrett''': Come on, Ayden. :'''Kayley''': ''[softly]'' But you belong in mine. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kayley is captured by Ruber and his Iron Men]'' :'''Ruber''': I'll take that. ''[takes Excalibur from its scabbard]'' Oh, ''[emphasizes the syllables of Excalibur and speaks softly]'' Excalibur! Mine! Forever! ''[to Kayley]'' You've been quite annoying... for a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Devon''': Kayley's been captured! :'''Cornwall''': And Ruber's got Excalibur! :'''Garrett''': What?! Take me to her! Come on, Ayden. :'''Cornwall''': They're halfway to Camelot by now. :'''Devon''': Oh, right! We've have to fly there to get there in [[time]]! Ruber drives me completely nuts! He makes me so mad, and angry! :'''Cornwall''': He's definitely a jerk; a giant jerk! :'''Devon''': The foulth [sic] of it! :'''Cornwall''': Wait 'til we get to Camelot. We'll show him a thing or two! Won't we? :'''Devon''': Yes! We darn well will! :'''Garrett''': ''[waves his staff under them]'' You're flying. :'''Devon''': Gosh! He's right. We are flying. :'''Cornwall''': ''I did it''! ''[showing off his biceps]'' I'm great. ''[kisses his biceps twice]'' I love me! I did it. :''[Devon hits him on the head]'' :'''Devon''': Excuse me, egomaniac, I think you mean I did it. :'''Cornwall''': No; careful! ''[They fall into a mud pool]'' :'''Garrett''': Don't you get it?! The only reason you can't fly is because you can't agree on anything! There must be something you can agree on. You both love Kayley, don't you? :''[Devon and Cornwall spit out mud, sigh, and look at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to a bunch of storm clouds, The Griffin flies from them in front of the camera and flies over it. The wagons are heading towards the drawbridge of Camelot as the storm clouds slowly circle the kingdom.]'' :'''Guard''': Wagons approaching! :''[Ruber has hidden himself in a black cape to disguise himself.]'' :'''Ruber''': [whispering] Not a word. And let's all keep our heads, shall we? :''[Juliana turns to the inside of the wagon to see that the Spike-Slinger Thug has tied Kayley's hands and holds his blade close to her neck. He laughs evilly when he does. Juliana gasped and turned back round to the front.]'' :'''Guard''': It's Lady Juliana, lower the bridge at once! :''[The drawbridge lowers. Ruber grins evilly as the wagons and himself enter Camelot. The camera zooms towards Arthur's bedroom tower]'' :'''African-Descendant Guard''': Pardon me, my king. Lady Juliana has payed us a surprise visit. :'''King Arthur''': Ah, good. ''[he rises from his chair]'' Tell her I'll receive her at the round table. :''[Meanwhile, the wagons had arrived in Camelot. Ruber's minions have hidden themselves in the carts. Ruber looks around carefully to see if no-one is suspicious. A girl plays with her doll, as her dog barks happily, she drops the doll, until her mother picks it up and hands it back to her. Ruber's horse slows down]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[quietly]'' Steady, steady. :''[The residents walk around the wagons, as Ruber grins to himself, evilly. Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels goes over a rock, causing it to jolt. Kayley, who is now bound and gagged, kicks the thug with her legs, causing him to fall through the floor and scrapes himself on the tiles. Kayley dodges as the thugs pierces the wooden beams with his claws. Bladebeak had finished reconciling with his wife and turns to Kayley]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Ah! Bladebeak, at your service! ''[he uses his "beak" to slice off the ropes on Kayley's hands, and Kayley unties the gag. The wagons have come to a halt in front of the castle]'' :'''Knight''': Lady Juliana? :''[Kayley suddenly bursts out of the wagon]'' :'''Kayley''': Hey! It's a trap! :''[The residents and the knights gasp in fright, Ruber reveals himself and his horse neighs.]'' :'''Ruber''': ATTACK! :''[The knights gasp as Ruber charges on his horse towards them. Then, all of the thugs burst out of the wagons, scaring off the residents. Finally, the Spike-Slinger Thug, burst out of the wagon, slicing it, into pieces. Ruber slices most of the knights' spears and swords with Excalibur.]'' :'''Ruber''': SEAL OFF THE CASTLE! :''[Everyone ran for the lives. Ruber charges on his horse into the castle, and two of his thugs block up the front doors after Ruber went in. The knights charged towards the ironmen, but they were defeated. A knight tries to strike the mace-wielding thug with his sword, but the blade broke off in contact. Then a thug's grabs a knight and hurls him to a another knight, next to a pit of fiery coals. The knight crashed into the pit, knocking it over, spilling out the coals, causing fire to spread near the stables. The knights again, try to defeat the ironmen, but to no avail. A knight was thrown back.]'' :'''Knight''': Ruber has breached the castle keep, The king is still inside! :''[Kayley looks at the front doors that have now been blocked and then at the tower's scaffolding.]'' :'''Kayley''': Mother, I must help the King. :''[She head off to the scaffolding]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Don't worry, we'll be fine! [he grins, and his wife looks at him] :''[Kayley has made her way on the ramparts and tries to run across the scaffolding to get into the castle, but the Griffin flies in, and Kayley jumps off the scaffolding and out of the way as the Griffin smashes through the scaffolding. Then two thugs came from both sides of her and corner her on the rampart's edge. Then Kayley loses her balance, and seemingly falls off the ramparts and off-screen. Then after one second, Kayley is raised back up, and turns out that Garrett had broke her fall with his staff and is now on Devon and Cornwall who are now flying.]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett! You came back! :'''Garrett''': Heads up! ''[Garrett jumps down, and Kayley dodges as Devon and Cornwall swung their tail at the thugs, causing them to fall into the moat, screaming.]'' Sorry I'm late. I hate flying coach. :''[the two hug each other in reunion]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' You're flying! :'''Devon''': Yes, we are frequent fliers now! :''[Meanwhile, Arthur heads down the corridor to the Round Table Room]'' :'''King Arthur''': Juliana? :''[Then we cut to Ruber sitting in Arthur's damaged chair, waiting for him]'' :'''Ruber''': Ta-da! :'''King Arthur''': Ruber! :'''Ruber''': Pleased to see me? ''[After hearing the doors are being locked. Arthur grabs a nearby spear. Ruber walks up from the throne, hiding his arm with his cape.]'' A spear? ''[he chuckles mockingly]'' How [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]! A king would hold a nobler weapon! A king would hold ''[He pulls off his cape, revealing the bonded Excalibur on his hand]''... Excalibur! [Ruber twitches his eye] :''[We cut back to the ramparts]'' :'''Garrett''': Where's Ruber? :'''Kayley''': He has the king trapped inside, there's no way in! :'''Garrett''': The King... Wait, I know a way! Through the stables! :''[Suddenly, the Griffin flies into view, Kayley and Garrett gasp. But Ayden attacks the Griffin, causing the creature to chase the falcon off. Then, more of Ruber's minions are closing in.]'' :'''Kayley''': Give me your hand. ''[spotting a haystack cart with a horse] Jump! [Both Kayley and Garrett jump down from the rampart, and into the cart. Kayley lands in the hay, and Garrett lands in front and rides the cart off to the stables]'' Garrett, what're you doing?! :'''Garrett''': I'm driving! :'''Kayley''': You think that's a good idea?! :'''Garrett''': No problem! Hang on! :'''Kayley''': Oh, no, Garrett! Right! Right! Look out! :''[A sharp swerve, and they fall from the cart into the stables]'' :'''Garrett''': See, that wasn't so bad… was it? :'''Ruber''': ''[to Arthur]'' So many memories in this room… makes me wanna puke! You said, Everyone at this Table, was equal; well, I have something sweeter: [[revenge]]! :'''Garrett''': These tunnels lead to the Round Table. :'''Kayley''': I can't see! :'''Garrett''': Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. :'''Griffin''': ''[seizes Ayden]'' Finally, Silverwings; you're mine! :'''Devon''': Well, excuse me! :'''Cornwall''': Pick on somebody your own size. ''[to Devon]'' Let's barbecue this bully. :'''Devon''': I couldn't agree more! :''[They blow fire at the Griffin, who drops Ayden; Cornwall catches him]''. :'''Cornwall''': Hang on, little birdie! :''[Devon and Cornwall then chase off the Griffin by repeatedly breathe fire at him. Back in Camelot, Juliana is tending to as injured knight as Bladebeak and his wife watch on. Then the Mace-Wielding Thugs spins its mace-balls around, roaring. Bladebeak steps up to him]'' :'''Bladebeak''': You got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well, do ya punk?! :''[Bladebeak squawks as he jumps on the mace-wielding thug and starts to peck on his neck with his "beak". Bladebeak's wife turns to Juliana and points at him and then to herself, as if she was saying, "That's my man!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Isn't this everything you've ever wanted? :'''Garrett''': Well, not quite... everything... ''[they kiss; Devon blows kisses at Cornwall]'' :'''Cornwall''': Hey! Don't even think about it. :'''Merlin''': Well done, Ayden. ===She's On Way Day End Title Song=== Random ==Crazy credits== * Devon and Cornwall will be back in ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]''. ==Cast== * [[w:Jessalyn Gilsig| Jessalyn Gilsig]] — [[Kayley]] ** [[w:Andrea Corr|Andrea Corr]] (singing voice) ** [[w:Sarah Rayne|Sarah Rayne]] — Young Kayley * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — [[Garrett]] ** [[w:Bryan White|Bryan White]] (singing voice) * [[w:Gary Oldman|Gary Oldman]] — [[Baron Ruber|Ruber]] * [[w:Eric Idle|Eric Idle]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Devon]] * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Cornwall]] * [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] — [[Lady Juliana|Juliana]] ** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]] (singing voice) * [[Pierce Brosnan]] — [[King Arthur (Quest for Camelot)|King Arthur]] ** [[w:Steve Perry|Steve Perry]] (singing voice) * [[w:Bronson Pinchot|Bronson Pinchot]] — [[Griffin (Quest for Camelot)|The Griffin]] * [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] — [[Bladebeak]] * [[w:Gabriel Byrne|Gabriel Byrne]] — [[Sir Lionel]] * [[w:John Gielgud|John Gielgud]] — [[Merlin (Quest for Camelot)|Merlin]] * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — [[Ayden|Ayden the Falcon]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Films directed by Frederik Du Chau]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] 68gyh2q2sydpelxb6gvn35jcd1trhlt 3944531 3944529 2026-05-23T16:59:45Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944531 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Quest for Camelot|Quest for Camelot]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998 animated film]] from [[w:Warner Bros. Animation|Warner Bros. Animation]] about a young woman named Kayley who wants to be a knight of the Round Table in Camelot like her father, a blind young man named Garrett who wishes only to be left alone, and their quest to find [[Excalibur]]. It is loosely based on the novel ''[[w:The King's Damosel|The King's Damosel]]'' by [[w:Vera Chapman|Vera Chapman]]. :''Directed by [[w:Frederik Du Chau|Frederik Du Chau]]. Written by [[w:Kirk De Micco|Kirk De Micco]], [[w:Jacqueline Feather|Jacqueline Feather]], and [[w:David Seidler|David Seidler]]. {{center|'''Garrett & Kayley: A noble warrior and a brave girl find the magical sword.'''}} == [[King Arthur]] == * ''[After they all put Sir Lionel in the stone coffin with stone pillars at Lady Juliana's Farm. Tears run down Kayley's face as Arthur gives Sir Lionel's dented shield to Lady Juliana, who also cries]'' Your husband died saving my life. And saving Camelot. Lady Juliana, the gates of Camelot will always be open to you. ''[Addresses the others:]'' Sir Lionel was my most trusted knight. And also my dear, dear friend. We will always remember how he bravely upheld the ideals of Camelot. ''[He then takes out Excalibur and holds it in the air and the other knights take out their swords and hold them in the air in respect for their deceased knight.]'' * ''[Final lines]'' I dub thee, Sir Garrett. I dub thee, Lady Kayley. Thank you for saving Camelot. You have reminded us, the kingdom's strength… is not based in the strength of the king, but the strength of the people. From this day forward, you will both sit as Knights of the Round Table! ''[all cheer]'' ==Kayley== *''[after seeing her father ride off with the knights to Camelot]'' One day, I'll be a knight, like father. *''[to herself, lamenting on the normal everyday life after she and her mother disagree over her dreams of becoming a knight]'' How am I going to do great things if I'm stuck here with these silly chickens? *''[To Ruber, before she swings down with a large wooden beam to knock him away from the king]'' I will not serve a false king! ==Garrett== *''[His first lines, after Kayley falls into a swamp bed and gets tangled in a net]'' Hey! That's ''my'' net. *''[to Ayden]'' You don't understand. In Camelot, she'd only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything. ==Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed [[Dragon]]== *'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. ''[Explaining why they're "conjoined twin dragons"]'' Oh. ''Enchanté'', ''mademoiselle''. I'm Devon, and this ''growth'' on my neck is Cornwall. *'''Cornwall''': But you can call me "Corny", for short. ''[Meeting Kayley for the first time]'' *'''Devon''': ''[walking through The Ogre's "den" - filled with skeletons - sarcastically and quietly]'' ''Charming place''. I must get the name of his decorator. *'''Cornwall''': Tell ya what: next time, you try to fly, and we'll hold on! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Kayley, after Garrett has left the group]'' Forget about him. You're better off alone. He walks funny. He talks funny. People throw darts at him. *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, appalled]'' How can you be so cold-blooded?! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Devon]'' I'm a reptile. ''[He sticks his tongue out]'' *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, poking him]'' Listen, you Jurassic twit! Kayley deserves someone who will [[love]] her. ''[Devon performs the following actions upon Cornwall]'' Someone... who'll hold her in his arms, ''[he squeezes Cornwall's head until his eyes bulge]'' who'll run his fingers through her hair, ''[he runs his fingers across Cornwall's head]'' look deeply in her eyes, ''[holds Cornwall eye-to-eye, then releases him]'' and make her feel like a real woman! ''[He kisses Cornwall; both spit and splutter]'' ==Ruber== *''[After Arthur had repelled him with Excalibur]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and all will be mine! *''[To Juliana]'' I'm so glad you've noticed! I've been working at it for years! *''[after he used his magic potion to fasten Excalibur to his hand]'' Don't worry, little girl. I'll make sure Arthur gets it back. Or gets it ''in'' the back. ''[laughs]'' As the case may be! ''[Softly]'' Throw her into the wagon. *''[after Kayley stops him from attacking the king]'' You're in the way, just like your father! Since you're dying to be like him! ''[he swings Excalibur at her, but she dodges]'' Let's see if I can help you out! *''[his last words]'' Two, for the price of one! This must be my lucky day. Oh, no! The stone! ''[explosion; Ruber dies]'' ==Bladebeak== * ''[Covered in mud while one-eyed mosslike creatures are looking at him]'' [[Taxi Driver|Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?]] ''[The one-eyed stalk creatures disappear. He turns. The one-eyed creatures look at him again, but disappear as soon as he turns back to them]'' * Bladebeak, at your service! ''[Frees Kayley]'' * ''[confronting an iron man]'' You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel - clucky?" Well, do ya... punk? ''[He pecks the iron man]'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Come on. ''[While Sir Lionel is helping Lady Juliana getting off her horse.]'' Father! ''[As she jumps into her father's arms, they roll down onto a sandy beach.]'' Father, do you really have to go? :'''Sir Lionel''': I’m afraid I must, Kayley. You know the King’s Knights will be here soon. :'''Kayley''': Tell me again, why you became a knight. :'''Lady Juliana''': Kayley, you’ve heard it a thousand times! :'''Sir Lionel''': Oh, but it’s fine dear. Well, my daughter, before you were born, the land was dark and treacherous. ''[draws three circles in the sand with his finger]'' The people stood divided, brother fighting brother. ''[We go to a flashback, where at three stone pillars holding the magic sword, Excalibur.]'' The only hope for peace was in the legend of the sword Excalibur; for it was said, that only the true king could pull the magical sword from its stone, and unite the people. Many tried; all failed. ''[Everybody tries to pull out Excalibur, but to no avail, gave up]'' Then, on the very day you were born, ''[A young man emerges from the crowd]'' an unexpected hero stepped forth, his name was Arthur, ''[Arthur pulls out Excalibur, much to everybody's amazement]'' and he was that true king. With Excalibur at his side he led us out of the darkness ''[Years pass by, as a castle is being constructed]'' and together we built the greatest kingdom on Earth, ''[Everybody helped build a kingdom]'' everyone rejoiced. ''[All of Camelot's residents danced and formed the three interlocked rings, showing union and Kayley is dancing inside a drawn circle, where she is dreaming about Camelot]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[shows Kayley the shield representing the three rings]'' And so these three rings represent the unity of our people. As a knight, I took an oath to protect Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur. :'''Kayley''': The knights are here! :'''Sir Lionel''': I must go now, Kayley. The king has summoned his knights for a special day in Camelot. ''[kisses Lady Juliana and begins to ride off]'' Goodbye. :'''Kayley''': I’m coming with you, daddy! :'''Sir Lionel''': Yes, when you are old enough, Kayley. I will take you to Camelot. I promise. I love you. :'''Kayley''': One day, I will be a knight, like father. :'''Sir Lionel''': Let’s go! :''[The knights ride off as "Warner Bros. Presents" fades in and fades out. We pan upwards to the sky as the film title "Quest for Camelot" [or "The Magic Sword: Quest for Camelot" in some countries] fades in and fades out. The knights travels on their horses on the main road to Camelot as the opening credits appear. The knights travel three days without stopping on their way to Camelot like '''[[w:The Swan Princess|The Swan Princess]]''', '''[[w:The Sword in the Stone (1963 film)|The Sword in the Stone]]''', and '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Knight Chorus''': ''[singing]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. ''[The drawbridge lowers as "Directed by Frederik Du Chau" fades in and fades out and the knights go inside Camelot]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. :''[Sir Lionel passes a young boy who is seemly blind is practicing his skills. The knights are greeted by their friends. Arthur appears at the main entrance of the castle with his advisor Merlin.]'' :'''King Arthur''': ''[singing]'' It's been 10 years we celebrate, All that made our kingdom great, Liberty and justice for all, Each of us we now divide, for equal shares our countryside, promising equality for all we reside! :'''Knights of the Round Table''': United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand; brother to brother; no 1 shall be greater than all. ::[[Liberty]] – [[Justice]] – [[Trust]] ::[[Freedom]] – [[Peace]] – [[Honor]] ::[[Goodness]] – [[Strength]] – [[Valor]] :'''Ruber''': ME! ''[To Knights]'' ''Charming'' sing along. Now, let's get down to business. I waited a long time for this day. ''What about my new land?!'' :'''King Arthur''': Sir Ruber. Always thinking of yourself. As knights of the round table, our obligation is to the people, not to ourselves. The land will be divided according to each person’s needs. :'''Ruber''': Then I need more than everyone. I wouldn't have supported you all these years if I thought you were running a charity. :'''Sir Lionel''': The King has decided! :'''Ruber''': Then it's time for the new king, and I vote for me. :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[?; to Ruber]'' [[VeggieTales#Gideon: Tuba Warrior|I will not serve a false king.]] :'''Ruber''': Then serve... A DEAD 1! ''[Ruber draws a mace and leaps at Arthur; the other knights try to stop him, but he fights through them and strikes at Arthur, only to be disarmed and knocked flying by Excalibur.]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and ALL WILL BE MINE!! ''[He runs out of the room with the doors closing behind him as the knights throw spears at him. On the other side, Ruber barricades a door with a wooden beam before running off in exile as nine spears pierce the doors. Back in the room, the knights gather round Sir Lionel who is lying on the floor, motionless.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Arthur''': In the 10 years since Sir Lionel's [[w:death|death]], [[w:Egalitarianism|equality]] and [[w:freedom|freedom]] have spread throughout the lands. Excalibur has given us the strength to stand together against all injustice. Camelot has prospered beyond our greatest dreams- ''[Ruber's Griffin crashes into the tower roof]'' :'''Knight 4''': It's a Griffin. ''[The Griffin growls as King Arthur is about to reach Excalibur with his hand very slowly, but The Griffin grabs Excalibur with his beak, breaking a piece of the chair, and biting King Arthur's arm. The Griffin flies up from the round table as the other Knights start to charge and throw their swords at The Griffin]'' :'''Knight 5''': It's taken Excalibur! :'''Knight 6''': Arthur is wounded! :'''King Arthur''': Never mind me! Find Merlin and go after the sword! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ruber's men raid Lady Juliana and Kayley's home. Ruber enters, masked]'' :'''Ruber''': Knock Knock! :'''Lady Juliana''': Who-who are you? ''[Ruber takes off his helmet. Lady Juliana gasps]'' ''Ruber''! :'''Ruber''': Juliana. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd invade. How about a kiss? I hear you're still single. :'''Lady Juliana''': ''[She slaps his hand]'' ''Impertinent pig''! :'''Ruber''': Is that a No? :'''Lady Juliana''': I demand that you leave immediately! :'''Ruber''': ''So rude''! And after I came all this way. Just to see you. :'''Lady Juliana''': What do you want? :'''Ruber''': Camelot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ruber''': My faithful pet. How was the flight? Panic sweeps across the land. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': My plan is perfect. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Now, Excalibur is mine. :'''Griffin''': ''[grunts]'' Here's where we enter a gray area. Hmm. :''[Ruber grabs The Griffin by the ruff of his neck, making him groan]'' :'''Ruber''': Excuse me? You ''lost'' Excalibur? How?! :'''Griffin''': I was attacked by a falcon. :''[Ruber lets go of The Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': What? My magnificent beast outmatched by a puny, little pigeon? :'''Griffin''': It wasn't a pigeon. It was a ''falcon'', with silver wings. :'''Ruber''': ''[softly]'' Silver wings? ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary. ''[Yelling as he grabs The Griffin by the ear]'' You stupid animal! Where is the sword ''now''? :'''Griffin''': In a place of untold danger. :'''Ruber''': The Forbidden Forest. :'''Griffin''': Precisely, Master. :'''Ruber''': ''[runs his finger along the Griffin's beak and up to the top of his head and speaks softly]'' Have I told you today how magnificently and totally... worthless you are?! ''[He pulls off the Griffin's eyebrow, making him screech]'' Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! :''[He hears a horse neighing and sees Kayley riding towards the Forbidden Forest]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[screaming]'' Oh! The-the girl! :''[His "iron men" are clumsy]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to Bladebeak]'' You! You! And You! Fancy Feet! After her! And bring her back! ''[to the Griffin]'' And you... ''[he grabs the Griffin's head]'' you are going to lead me to ''[emphasizing the syllables]'' Excalibur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bladebeak''': Hey. We're not going in there, are we? :'''Minion''': Chicken. :'''Bladebeak''': But I got a wife and two eggs at home! Hey, don't leave me here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': ''[After Garrett saves her from Ruber's Iron Men]'' That was... incredible! How you, smashed those creatures! How you-you avoided that-that-that, thing! You're amazing! You're- :'''Garrett''': ''[Agrees uncaringly, as he looks over his ruined net]'' Mmhmm. :'''Kayley''': Not… even… listening to me! :'''Garrett''': Great, took me six weeks to make this net! :'''Kayley''': Net? You saved my life. Thank you. :'''Garrett''': Well, everyone can makes mistakes. :'''Kayley''': Oh, I get it. This is where King Arthur sends his unfunny jesters, right? :'''Garrett''': And now I'll thank you... :'''Kayley''': For what? :'''Garrett''': For reminding me why I'm a hermit! Good day! ''[Begins to walk away]'' :'''Kayley''': But wait! What's your name? :'''Garrett''': It's Garrett. :'''Kayley''': I'm Kayley! ''[Garrett seemingly continues to ignore her by walking on]'' Garrett! Why won't you look at me when I'm talking to you? ...Oh. Oh, I didn't realize you were... :'''Garrett''': What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome? :'''Kayley''': ''[Astonished]'' Blind. :'''Garrett''': ''[Chuckles lightly and replies sarcastically]'' ...You know, I always forget that one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': Have you got a cold? What is it? :'''Garrett''': We’re in Dragon Country. :'''Kayley''': Are you sure this is Dragon Country? I mean, shouldn't there be a sign or something? It could say, 'Welcome to Dragon Country.' ...You don't think we'll ''see'' any... do you...? Is a group of dragons a pack or a flock? Is it a gaggle or a pride? Is it a herd? :'''Garrett''': Quiet. :'''Kayley''': Do you hear something? :'''Garrett''': No, I just want you to be quiet. :'''Kayley''': ''[hands akimbo]'' Hmph! <hr width=50%/> :'''Cornwall''': Hey, hey, easy with the stick, buddy. :'''Garrett''': What are you? :'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kayley''': Stop bickering, and get your act together! :'''Devon''': Act? Did someone say Act? I can act! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during their song, but in speech]'' :'''Devon''': Trapped! Aah! Trapped! :'''Cornwall''': Stuck here with you for 500 years! :'''Devon''': Oh, dear, it's learned to count. :'''Cornwall''': If you'd got me a good lawyer, I would have split 400 years ago. :'''Devon''': Now, listen here, pal! I didn't come here to be insulted! :'''Cornwall''': Oh? Well, where do you usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, the good news is, we're out of Dragon Country. The bad news is, this is where we say goodbye. :'''Devon''': You can't leave us here! If we try to go back, we'll be banished! Ostracized. Exiled... :'''Cornwall''': Not to mention kicked out. :'''Kayley''': Why? :'''Cornwall''': Cause we just broke the dragons' cardinal rule! :'''Kayley''': Rule? :'''Devon''': What? Never wear brown shoes with the blue suit? :'''Cornwall''': No, you moron. Never help a human. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Kayley. We must make camp before dark. :'''Devon''': Camp? :'''Kayley''': ''Garrett''. Let's take them with us. Please. :'''Garrett''': Oh, I suppose so. But no more singing! :'''Devon''': How about interpretive dance? ''[Garrett sighs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Garrett''': Kayley, I must tell you, I knew your father. :'''Kayley''': You did? :'''Garrett''': I used to live in Camelot. ''[flashback]'' I was a stable boy, but I dreamt of becoming a knight. One evening, there was a fire. ''[Garrett opens the stable doors]'' I rushed to save the horses but, well… ''[A Horse hits Garrett in the eyes]'' I was hurt. At first, all I could see were shapes, then shadows. Finally, my world went black. ''[Garrett's vision blacks out. In the morning he tries to feel his way around; Sir Lionel sees him and grabs a stick]'' After I lost my sight ''[Sir Lionel passes Garrett the stick and teaches him to fight with it]'' Your father was the only one who still believed in me. He taught me that a knight's strength comes from his heart ''[Merlin and Ayden watch]'' and his loyalty to the Oath of Camelot. :'''Sir Lionel''': United we stand. :'''Both''': Now and forever. :'''Garrett''': Any hope I had of becoming a knight, died with him. :'''Kayley''': I felt that way too, but I knew he would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up either. You're as good as any knight in Camelot. :'''Garrett''': You really think so? <hr width=50%/> :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, we lost 'em again. :''[Ruber prepares to strike him; then looks up along the path]''. :'''Ruber''': Ah! That's where they went. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh. :'''Garrett''': What is it? :'''Kayley''': We've lost the tracks. :''[Noise]'' :'''Kayley''': Tell me that was your stomach. :'''Garrett''': ''[shakes head]'' It was the [[w:Ogre|Ogre]]. :'''Devon''': "Ogre"?! :'''Cornwall''': Well, see ya, good luck, have a nice life;–– whatever's left of it. :'''Kayley''': What's so scary about ogres? :''[the skeleton of a large animal falls into their midst]'' :'''Devon''': Their appetite! :'''Cornwall''': Oh, no; I think it's Uncle Yorick! :'''Devon''': Alas, poor Yorick! :'''Garrett''': ''[listening to Ayden the Falcon]'' Quick! Get out of the way! :''[The Ogre stamps on the skeleton, discards more bones, and drops an ornate sheath]'' :'''Kayley''': It's the scabbard from Excalibur! He ''does'' have the [[sword]]. :''[Later]'' :'''Garrett''': Ogres sleep in the day. We'll wait for him to fall asleep, then, we'll grab the sword! :'''Devon''': Define "We". :'''Garrett''': Shh! Quiet! The slightest noise and we're finished! :'''Devon''': ''[looks around at skeletons along the walls of the Ogre's lair]'' Hmm. Charming place. I must get the name of his decorator. :'''Garrett''': What's he doing? :'''Kayley''': I can't see him. :'''Garrett''': He's here; I can smell him. :''[The Ogre moves]''. :'''Kayley''': You're right; he is here. :'''Garrett''': Where's Excalibur? :'''Kayley''': ''[aghast]'' He's using it as a toothpick! :'''Garrett''': Tell me when he falls asleep. :''[The Ogre gives a yawn and noisily lies down]''. :'''Cornwall''': Let me guess: he fell asleep! :'''Garrett''': Describe the lay-out. :'''Kayley''': There's a ledge, just above the sword! But it's gotta be a twenty-foot drop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Iron Crossbowman''': Hey boss! Look! There they are– :'''Ruber''': Shut up! (I hate ogres.) Walk this way. :'''Devon''': Oh, no, it's him. :'''Garrett''': Hey! :''[The Griffin sneezes; everyone gasps; the Ogre wakes]''. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh! Nap-time's over! Quick! Swing me back-and-forth! :'''Garrett''': Can you reach it? :'''Kayley''': I've got it! :''[Kayley & Co. escape. The Ogre pins the Iron Men to the wall, and sits on Ruber and the Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': The Ogre's butt! :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, at least things can't get any worse. :''[The ground begins to shake]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to the Griffin]'' Wanna bet? :''[Loud noise and gust of wind blowing Ruber and the Griffin over the heroes, who duck their heads and cover their noses as they run out of the Ogre's cave. Ruber and the Griffin crash into a cave wall]'' :'''Ruber''': Seize them! :'''Griffin''': ''[groaning, strained]'' Yes, Master. :'''Devon''': There's no way out! :'''Kayley''': There's one way out: you'll have to fly! :'''Devon''': We can't fly! (We explained that before our song). :''[Garrett seizes Kayley, Devon, & Cornwall and leaps with them into the canyon]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Ayden flies through the end of the forest, Kayley pulls back a branch to see Camelot in the distance]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! Oh Garrett, it's so beautiful! :'''Garrett''': Hmmm. :'''Kayley''': I wish you could see it. :'''Garrett''': I have seen it. And there was no place for me. ''[hands her Excalibur]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett, what's wrong? :'''Garrett''': Take Excalibur to Arthur. You don't have much time. ''[Turns back towards the Forbidden Forest. Kayley is confused. Devon and Cornwall are dumbfounded]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[Runs ahead of him, blocking his path]'' But we'll deliver the sword together. :'''Garrett''': No. You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world. ''[Moves past her]'' :'''Garrett''': Come on, Ayden. :'''Kayley''': ''[softly]'' But you belong in mine. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kayley is captured by Ruber and his Iron Men]'' :'''Ruber''': I'll take that. ''[takes Excalibur from its scabbard]'' Oh, ''[emphasizes the syllables of Excalibur and speaks softly]'' Excalibur! Mine! Forever! ''[to Kayley]'' You've been quite annoying... for a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Devon''': Kayley's been captured! :'''Cornwall''': And Ruber's got Excalibur! :'''Garrett''': What?! Take me to her! Come on, Ayden. :'''Cornwall''': They're halfway to Camelot by now. :'''Devon''': Oh, right! We've have to fly there to get there in [[time]]! Ruber drives me completely nuts! He makes me so mad, and angry! :'''Cornwall''': He's definitely a jerk; a giant jerk! :'''Devon''': The foulth [sic] of it! :'''Cornwall''': Wait 'til we get to Camelot. We'll show him a thing or two! Won't we? :'''Devon''': Yes! We darn well will! :'''Garrett''': ''[waves his staff under them]'' You're flying. :'''Devon''': Gosh! He's right. We are flying. :'''Cornwall''': ''I did it''! ''[showing off his biceps]'' I'm great. ''[kisses his biceps twice]'' I love me! I did it. :''[Devon hits him on the head]'' :'''Devon''': Excuse me, egomaniac, I think you mean I did it. :'''Cornwall''': No; careful! ''[They fall into a mud pool]'' :'''Garrett''': Don't you get it?! The only reason you can't fly is because you can't agree on anything! There must be something you can agree on. You both love Kayley, don't you? :''[Devon and Cornwall spit out mud, sigh, and look at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to a bunch of storm clouds, The Griffin flies from them in front of the camera and flies over it. The wagons are heading towards the drawbridge of Camelot as the storm clouds slowly circle the kingdom.]'' :'''Guard''': Wagons approaching! :''[Ruber has hidden himself in a black cape to disguise himself.]'' :'''Ruber''': [whispering] Not a word. And let's all keep our heads, shall we? :''[Juliana turns to the inside of the wagon to see that the Spike-Slinger Thug has tied Kayley's hands and holds his blade close to her neck. He laughs evilly when he does. Juliana gasped and turned back round to the front.]'' :'''Guard''': It's Lady Juliana, lower the bridge at once! :''[The drawbridge lowers. Ruber grins evilly as the wagons and himself enter Camelot. The camera zooms towards Arthur's bedroom tower]'' :'''African-Descendant Guard''': Pardon me, my king. Lady Juliana has payed us a surprise visit. :'''King Arthur''': Ah, good. ''[he rises from his chair]'' Tell her I'll receive her at the round table. :''[Meanwhile, the wagons had arrived in Camelot. Ruber's minions have hidden themselves in the carts. Ruber looks around carefully to see if no-one is suspicious. A girl plays with her doll, as her dog barks happily, she drops the doll, until her mother picks it up and hands it back to her. Ruber's horse slows down]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[quietly]'' Steady, steady. :''[The residents walk around the wagons, as Ruber grins to himself, evilly. Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels goes over a rock, causing it to jolt. Kayley, who is now bound and gagged, kicks the thug with her legs, causing him to fall through the floor and scrapes himself on the tiles. Kayley dodges as the thugs pierces the wooden beams with his claws. Bladebeak had finished reconciling with his wife and turns to Kayley]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Ah! Bladebeak, at your service! ''[he uses his "beak" to slice off the ropes on Kayley's hands, and Kayley unties the gag. The wagons have come to a halt in front of the castle]'' :'''Knight''': Lady Juliana? :''[Kayley suddenly bursts out of the wagon]'' :'''Kayley''': Hey! It's a trap! :''[The residents and the knights gasp in fright, Ruber reveals himself and his horse neighs.]'' :'''Ruber''': ATTACK! :''[The knights gasp as Ruber charges on his horse towards them. Then, all of the thugs burst out of the wagons, scaring off the residents. Finally, the Spike-Slinger Thug, burst out of the wagon, slicing it, into pieces. Ruber slices most of the knights' spears and swords with Excalibur.]'' :'''Ruber''': SEAL OFF THE CASTLE! :''[Everyone ran for the lives. Ruber charges on his horse into the castle, and two of his thugs block up the front doors after Ruber went in. The knights charged towards the ironmen, but they were defeated. A knight tries to strike the mace-wielding thug with his sword, but the blade broke off in contact. Then a thug's grabs a knight and hurls him to a another knight, next to a pit of fiery coals. The knight crashed into the pit, knocking it over, spilling out the coals, causing fire to spread near the stables. The knights again, try to defeat the ironmen, but to no avail. A knight was thrown back.]'' :'''Knight''': Ruber has breached the castle keep, The king is still inside! :''[Kayley looks at the front doors that have now been blocked and then at the tower's scaffolding.]'' :'''Kayley''': Mother, I must help the King. :''[She head off to the scaffolding]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Don't worry, we'll be fine! [he grins, and his wife looks at him] :''[Kayley has made her way on the ramparts and tries to run across the scaffolding to get into the castle, but the Griffin flies in, and Kayley jumps off the scaffolding and out of the way as the Griffin smashes through the scaffolding. Then two thugs came from both sides of her and corner her on the rampart's edge. Then Kayley loses her balance, and seemingly falls off the ramparts and off-screen. Then after one second, Kayley is raised back up, and turns out that Garrett had broke her fall with his staff and is now on Devon and Cornwall who are now flying.]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett! You came back! :'''Garrett''': Heads up! ''[Garrett jumps down, and Kayley dodges as Devon and Cornwall swung their tail at the thugs, causing them to fall into the moat, screaming.]'' Sorry I'm late. I hate flying coach. :''[the two hug each other in reunion]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' You're flying! :'''Devon''': Yes, we are frequent fliers now! :''[Meanwhile, Arthur heads down the corridor to the Round Table Room]'' :'''King Arthur''': Juliana? :''[Then we cut to Ruber sitting in Arthur's damaged chair, waiting for him]'' :'''Ruber''': Ta-da! :'''King Arthur''': Ruber! :'''Ruber''': Pleased to see me? ''[After hearing the doors are being locked. Arthur grabs a nearby spear. Ruber walks up from the throne, hiding his arm with his cape.]'' A spear? ''[he chuckles mockingly]'' How [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]! A king would hold a nobler weapon! A king would hold ''[He pulls off his cape, revealing the bonded Excalibur on his hand]''... Excalibur! [Ruber twitches his eye] :''[We cut back to the ramparts]'' :'''Garrett''': Where's Ruber? :'''Kayley''': He has the king trapped inside, there's no way in! :'''Garrett''': The King... Wait, I know a way! Through the stables! :''[Suddenly, the Griffin flies into view, Kayley and Garrett gasp. But Ayden attacks the Griffin, causing the creature to chase the falcon off. Then, more of Ruber's minions are closing in.]'' :'''Kayley''': Give me your hand. ''[spotting a haystack cart with a horse] Jump! [Both Kayley and Garrett jump down from the rampart, and into the cart. Kayley lands in the hay, and Garrett lands in front and rides the cart off to the stables]'' Garrett, what're you doing?! :'''Garrett''': I'm driving! :'''Kayley''': You think that's a good idea?! :'''Garrett''': No problem! Hang on! :'''Kayley''': Oh, no, Garrett! Right! Right! Look out! :''[A sharp swerve, and they fall from the cart into the stables]'' :'''Garrett''': See, that wasn't so bad… was it? :'''Ruber''': ''[to Arthur]'' So many memories in this room… makes me wanna puke! You said, Everyone at this Table, was equal; well, I have something sweeter: [[revenge]]! :'''Garrett''': These tunnels lead to the Round Table. :'''Kayley''': I can't see! :'''Garrett''': Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. :'''Griffin''': ''[seizes Ayden]'' Finally, Silverwings; you're mine! :'''Devon''': Well, excuse me! :'''Cornwall''': Pick on somebody your own size. ''[to Devon]'' Let's barbecue this bully. :'''Devon''': I couldn't agree more! :''[They blow fire at the Griffin, who drops Ayden; Cornwall catches him]''. :'''Cornwall''': Hang on, little birdie! :''[Devon and Cornwall then chase off the Griffin by repeatedly breathe fire at him. Back in Camelot, Juliana is tending to as injured knight as Bladebeak and his wife watch on. Then the Mace-Wielding Thugs spins its mace-balls around, roaring. Bladebeak steps up to him]'' :'''Bladebeak''': You got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well, do ya punk?! :''[Bladebeak squawks as he jumps on the mace-wielding thug and starts to peck on his neck with his "beak". Bladebeak's wife turns to Juliana and points at him and then to herself, as if she was saying, "That's my man!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Isn't this everything you've ever wanted? :'''Garrett''': Well, not quite... everything... ''[they kiss; Devon blows kisses at Cornwall]'' :'''Cornwall''': Hey! Don't even think about it. :'''Merlin''': Well done, Ayden. ===She's On Way Day End Title Song=== Random ==Crazy credits== * Devon and Cornwall will be back in ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]''. ==Cast== * [[w:Jessalyn Gilsig| Jessalyn Gilsig]] — [[Kayley]] ** [[w:Andrea Corr|Andrea Corr]] (singing voice) ** [[w:Sarah Rayne|Sarah Rayne]] — Young Kayley * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — [[Garrett]] ** [[w:Bryan White|Bryan White]] (singing voice) * [[w:Gary Oldman|Gary Oldman]] — [[Baron Ruber|Ruber]] * [[w:Eric Idle|Eric Idle]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Devon]] * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Cornwall]] * [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] — [[Lady Juliana|Juliana]] ** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]] (singing voice) * [[Pierce Brosnan]] — [[King Arthur (Quest for Camelot)|King Arthur]] ** [[w:Steve Perry|Steve Perry]] (singing voice) * [[w:Bronson Pinchot|Bronson Pinchot]] — [[Griffin (Quest for Camelot)|The Griffin]] * [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] — [[Bladebeak]] * [[w:Gabriel Byrne|Gabriel Byrne]] — [[Sir Lionel]] * [[w:John Gielgud|John Gielgud]] — [[Merlin (Quest for Camelot)|Merlin]] * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — [[Ayden|Ayden the Falcon]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Films directed by Frederik Du Chau]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] qeajql1eth2ziggqnoc3dj89nkc7sp0 3944633 3944531 2026-05-23T22:20:04Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944633 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Quest for Camelot|Quest for Camelot]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998 animated film]] from [[w:Warner Bros. Animation|Warner Bros. Animation]] about a young woman named Kayley who wants to be a knight of the Round Table in Camelot like her father, a blind young man named Garrett who wishes only to be left alone, and their quest to find [[Excalibur]]. It is loosely based on the novel ''[[w:The King's Damosel|The King's Damosel]]'' by [[w:Vera Chapman|Vera Chapman]]. :''Directed by [[w:Frederik Du Chau|Frederik Du Chau]]. Written by [[w:Kirk De Micco|Kirk De Micco]], [[w:Jacqueline Feather|Jacqueline Feather]], and [[w:David Seidler|David Seidler]]. {{center|'''Garrett & Kayley: A noble warrior and a brave girl find the magical sword.'''}} == [[King Arthur]] == * ''[After they all put Sir Lionel in the stone coffin with stone pillars at Lady Juliana's Farm. Tears run down Kayley's face as Arthur gives Sir Lionel's dented shield to Lady Juliana, who also cries]'' Your husband died saving my life. And saving Camelot. Lady Juliana, the gates of Camelot will always be open to you. ''[Addresses the others:]'' Sir Lionel was my most trusted knight. And also my dear, dear friend. We will always remember how he bravely upheld the ideals of Camelot. ''[He then takes out Excalibur and holds it in the air and the other knights take out their swords and hold them in the air in respect for their deceased knight.]'' * ''[Final lines]'' I dub thee, Sir Garrett. I dub thee, Lady Kayley. Thank you for saving Camelot. You have reminded us, the kingdom's strength… is not based in the strength of the king, but the strength of the people. From this day forward, you will both sit as Knights of the Round Table! ''[all cheer]'' ==Kayley== *''[after seeing her father ride off with the knights to Camelot]'' One day, I'll be a knight, like father. *''[to herself, lamenting on the normal everyday life after she and her mother disagree over her dreams of becoming a knight]'' How am I going to do great things if I'm stuck here with these silly chickens? *''[To Ruber, before she swings down with a large wooden beam to knock him away from the king]'' I will not serve a false king! ==Garrett== *''[His first lines, after Kayley falls into a swamp bed and gets tangled in a net]'' Hey! That's ''my'' net. *''[to Ayden]'' You don't understand. In Camelot, she'd only see me through their eyes. Not a knight, not a man, not anything. ==Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed [[Dragon]]== *'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. ''[Explaining why they're "conjoined twin dragons"]'' Oh. ''Enchanté'', ''mademoiselle''. I'm Devon, and this ''growth'' on my neck is Cornwall. *'''Cornwall''': But you can call me "Corny", for short. ''[Meeting Kayley for the first time]'' *'''Devon''': ''[walking through The Ogre's "den" - filled with skeletons - sarcastically and quietly]'' ''Charming place''. I must get the name of his decorator. *'''Cornwall''': Tell ya what: next time, you try to fly, and we'll hold on! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Kayley, after Garrett has left the group]'' Forget about him. You're better off alone. He walks funny. He talks funny. People throw darts at him. *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, appalled]'' How can you be so cold-blooded?! *'''Cornwall''': ''[To Devon]'' I'm a reptile. ''[He sticks his tongue out]'' *'''Devon''': ''[To Cornwall, poking him]'' Listen, you Jurassic twit! Kayley deserves someone who will [[love]] her. ''[Devon performs the following actions upon Cornwall]'' Someone... who'll hold her in his arms, ''[he squeezes Cornwall's head until his eyes bulge]'' who'll run his fingers through her hair, ''[he runs his fingers across Cornwall's head]'' look deeply in her eyes, ''[holds Cornwall eye-to-eye, then releases him]'' and make her feel like a real woman! ''[He kisses Cornwall; both spit and splutter]'' ==Ruber== *''[After Arthur had repelled him with Excalibur]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and all will be mine! *''[To Juliana]'' I'm so glad you've noticed! I've been working at it for years! *''[after he used his magic potion to fasten Excalibur to his hand]'' Don't worry, little girl. I'll make sure Arthur gets it back. Or gets it ''in'' the back. ''[laughs]'' As the case may be! ''[Softly]'' Throw her into the wagon. *''[after Kayley stops him from attacking the king]'' You're in the way, just like your father! Since you're dying to be like him! ''[he swings Excalibur at her, but she dodges]'' Let's see if I can help you out! *''[his last words]'' Two, for the price of one! This must be my lucky day. Oh, no! The stone! ''[explosion; Ruber dies]'' ==Bladebeak== * ''[Covered in mud while one-eyed mosslike creatures are looking at him]'' [[Taxi Driver|Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?]] ''[The one-eyed stalk creatures disappear. He turns. The one-eyed creatures look at him again, but disappear as soon as he turns back to them]'' * Bladebeak, at your service! ''[Frees Kayley]'' * ''[confronting an iron man]'' You've got to ask yourself: "Do I feel - clucky?" Well, do ya... punk? ''[He pecks the iron man]'' ==Dialogue== :''[first lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Come on. ''[While Sir Lionel is helping Lady Juliana getting off her horse.]'' Father! ''[As she jumps into her father's arms, they roll down onto a sandy beach.]'' Father, do you really have to go? :'''Sir Lionel''': I’m afraid I must, Kayley. You know the King’s Knights will be here soon. :'''Kayley''': Tell me again, why you became a knight. :'''Lady Juliana''': Kayley, you’ve heard it a thousand times! :'''Sir Lionel''': Oh, but it’s fine dear. Well, my daughter, before you were born, the land was dark and treacherous. ''[draws three circles in the sand with his finger]'' The people stood divided, brother fighting brother. ''[We go to a flashback, where at three stone pillars holding the magic sword, Excalibur.]'' The only hope for peace was in the legend of the sword Excalibur; for it was said, that only the true king could pull the magical sword from its stone, and unite the people. Many tried; all failed. ''[Everybody tries to pull out Excalibur, but to no avail, gave up]'' Then, on the very day you were born, ''[A young man emerges from the crowd]'' an unexpected hero stepped forth, his name was Arthur, ''[Arthur pulls out Excalibur, much to everybody's amazement]'' and he was that true king. With Excalibur at his side he led us out of the darkness ''[Years pass by, as a castle is being constructed]'' and together we built the greatest kingdom on Earth, ''[Everybody helped build a kingdom]'' everyone rejoiced. ''[All of Camelot's residents danced and formed the three interlocked rings, showing union and Kayley is dancing inside a drawn circle, where she is dreaming about Camelot]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[shows Kayley the shield representing the three rings]'' And so these three rings represent the unity of our people. As a knight, I took an oath to protect Camelot, King Arthur, and Excalibur. :'''Kayley''': The knights are here! :'''Sir Lionel''': I must go now, Kayley. The king has summoned his knights for a special day in Camelot. ''[kisses Lady Juliana and begins to ride off]'' Goodbye. :'''Kayley''': I’m coming with you, daddy! :'''Sir Lionel''': Yes, when you are old enough, Kayley. I will take you to Camelot. I promise. I love you. :'''Kayley''': One day, I will be a knight, like father. :'''Sir Lionel''': Let’s go! :''[The knights ride off as "Warner Bros. Presents" fades in and fades out. We pan upwards to the sky as the film title "Quest for Camelot" [or "The Magic Sword: Quest for Camelot" in some countries] fades in and fades out. The knights travels on their horses on the main road to Camelot as the opening credits appear. The knights travel three days without stopping on their way to Camelot like '''[[w:The Swan Princess|The Swan Princess]]''', '''[[w:The Sword in the Stone (1963 film)|The Sword in the Stone]]''', and '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]'''.]'' :'''Knight Chorus''': ''[singing]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. ''[The drawbridge lowers as "Directed by Frederik Du Chau" fades in and fades out and the knights go inside Camelot]'' United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand, brother to brother, no one shall be greater than all. :''[Sir Lionel passes a young boy who is seemly blind is practicing his skills. The knights are greeted by their friends. Arthur appears at the main entrance of the castle with his advisor Merlin.]'' :'''King Arthur''': ''[singing]'' It's been 10 years we celebrate, All that made our kingdom great, Liberty and justice for all, Each of us we now divide, for equal shares our countryside, promising equality for all we reside! :'''Knights of the Round Table''': United we stand, now and forever, in truth, divided we fall. Hand upon hand; brother to brother; no 1 shall be greater than all. ::[[Liberty]] – [[Justice]] – [[Trust]] ::[[Freedom]] – [[Peace]] – [[Honor]] ::[[Goodness]] – [[Strength]] – [[Valor]] :'''Ruber''': ME! ''[To Knights]'' ''Charming'' sing along. Now, let's get down to business. I waited a long time for this day. ''What about my new land?!'' :'''King Arthur''': Sir Ruber. Always thinking of yourself. As knights of the round table, our obligation is to the people, not to ourselves. The land will be divided according to each person’s needs. :'''Ruber''': Then I need more than everyone. I wouldn't have supported you all these years if I thought you were running a charity. :'''Sir Lionel''': The King has decided! :'''Ruber''': Then it's time for the new king, and I vote for me. :'''Sir Lionel''': ''[?; to Ruber]'' [[VeggieTales#Gideon: Tuba Warrior|I will not serve a false king.]] :'''Ruber''': Then serve... A DEAD 1! ''[Ruber draws a mace and leaps at Arthur; the other knights try to stop him, but he fights through them and strikes at Arthur, only to be disarmed and knocked flying by Excalibur.]'' One day, that sword will be in my hand, and ALL WILL BE MINE!! ''[He runs out of the room with the doors closing behind him as the knights throw spears at him. On the other side, Ruber barricades a door with a wooden beam before running off in exile as nine spears pierce the doors. Back in the room, the knights gather round Sir Lionel who is lying on the floor, motionless.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Arthur''': In the 10 years since Sir Lionel's [[w:death|death]], [[w:Egalitarianism|equality]] and [[w:freedom|freedom]] have spread throughout the lands. Excalibur has given us the strength to stand together against all injustice. Camelot has prospered beyond our greatest dreams- ''[Ruber's Griffin crashes into the tower roof]'' :'''Knight 4''': It's a Griffin. ''[The Griffin growls as King Arthur is about to reach Excalibur with his hand very slowly, but The Griffin grabs Excalibur with his beak, breaking a piece of the chair, and biting King Arthur's arm. The Griffin flies up from the round table as the other Knights start to charge and throw their swords at The Griffin]'' :'''Knight 5''': It's taken Excalibur! :'''Knight 6''': Arthur is wounded! :'''King Arthur''': Never mind me! Find Merlin and go after the sword! <hr width=50%/> :''[Ruber's men raid Lady Juliana and Kayley's home. Ruber enters, masked]'' :'''Ruber''': Knock Knock! :'''Lady Juliana''': Who-who are you? ''[Ruber takes off his helmet. Lady Juliana gasps]'' ''Ruber''! :'''Ruber''': Juliana. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd invade. How about a kiss? I hear you're still single. :'''Lady Juliana''': ''[She slaps his hand]'' ''Impertinent pig''! :'''Ruber''': Is that a No? :'''Lady Juliana''': I demand that you leave immediately! :'''Ruber''': ''So rude''! And after I came all this way. Just to see you. :'''Lady Juliana''': What do you want? :'''Ruber''': Camelot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ruber''': My faithful pet. How was the flight? Panic sweeps across the land. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': My plan is perfect. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Without the sword, Arthur is vulnerable. :'''Griffin''': Precisely. :'''Ruber''': Now, Excalibur is mine. :'''Griffin''': ''[grunts]'' Here's where we enter a gray area. Hmm. :''[Ruber grabs The Griffin by the ruff of his neck, making him groan]'' :'''Ruber''': Excuse me? You ''lost'' Excalibur? How?! :'''Griffin''': I was attacked by a falcon. :''[Ruber lets go of The Griffin]'' :'''Ruber''': What? My magnificent beast outmatched by a puny, little pigeon? :'''Griffin''': It wasn't a pigeon. It was a ''falcon'', with silver wings. :'''Ruber''': ''[softly]'' Silver wings? ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, scary. ''[Yelling as he grabs The Griffin by the ear]'' You stupid animal! Where is the sword ''now''? :'''Griffin''': In a place of untold danger. :'''Ruber''': The Forbidden Forest. :'''Griffin''': Precisely, Master. :'''Ruber''': ''[runs his finger along the Griffin's beak and up to the top of his head and speaks softly]'' Have I told you today how magnificently and totally... worthless you are?! ''[He pulls off the Griffin's eyebrow, making him screech]'' Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! :''[He hears a horse neighing and sees Kayley riding towards the Forbidden Forest]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[screaming]'' Oh! The-the girl! :''[His "iron men" are clumsy]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to Bladebeak]'' You! You! And You! Fancy Feet! After her! And bring her back! ''[to the Griffin]'' And you... ''[he grabs the Griffin's head]'' you are going to lead me to ''[emphasizing the syllables]'' Excalibur! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bladebeak''': Hey. We're not going in there, are we? :'''Minion''': Chicken. :'''Bladebeak''': But I got a wife and two eggs at home! Hey, don't leave me here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': ''[After Garrett saves her from Ruber's Iron Men]'' That was... incredible! How you, smashed those creatures! How you-you avoided that-that-that, thing! You're amazing! You're- :'''Garrett''': ''[Agrees uncaringly, as he looks over his ruined net]'' Mmhmm. :'''Kayley''': Not… even… listening to me! :'''Garrett''': Great, took me six weeks to make this net! :'''Kayley''': Net? You saved my life. Thank you. :'''Garrett''': Well, everyone can makes mistakes. :'''Kayley''': Oh, I get it. This is where King Arthur sends his unfunny jesters, right? :'''Garrett''': And now I'll thank you... :'''Kayley''': For what? :'''Garrett''': For reminding me why I'm a hermit! Good day! ''[Begins to walk away]'' :'''Kayley''': But wait! What's your name? :'''Garrett''': It's Garrett. :'''Kayley''': I'm Kayley! ''[Garrett seemingly continues to ignore her by walking on]'' Garrett! Why won't you look at me when I'm talking to you? ...Oh. Oh, I didn't realize you were... :'''Garrett''': What? Tall? Rugged? Handsome? :'''Kayley''': ''[Astonished]'' Blind. :'''Garrett''': ''[Chuckles lightly and replies sarcastically]'' ...You know, I always forget that one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kayley''': Have you got a cold? What is it? :'''Garrett''': We’re in Dragon Country. :'''Kayley''': Are you sure this is Dragon Country? I mean, shouldn't there be a sign or something? It could say, 'Welcome to Dragon Country.' ...You don't think we'll ''see'' any... do you...? Is a group of dragons a pack or a flock? Is it a gaggle or a pride? Is it a herd? :'''Garrett''': Quiet. :'''Kayley''': Do you hear something? :'''Garrett''': No, I just want you to be quiet. :'''Kayley''': ''[hands akimbo]'' Hmph! <hr width=50%/> :'''Cornwall''': Hey, hey, easy with the stick, buddy. :'''Garrett''': What are you? :'''Devon''': Well, frankly, we're the reason cousins shouldn't marry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kayley''': Stop bickering, and get your act together! :'''Devon''': Act? Did someone say Act? I can act! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during their song, but in speech]'' :'''Devon''': Trapped! Aah! Trapped! :'''Cornwall''': Stuck here with you for 500 years! :'''Devon''': Oh, dear, it's learned to count. :'''Cornwall''': If you'd got me a good lawyer, I would have split 400 years ago. :'''Devon''': Now, listen here, pal! I didn't come here to be insulted! :'''Cornwall''': Oh? Well, where do you usually go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garrett''': Well, the good news is, we're out of Dragon Country. The bad news is, this is where we say goodbye. :'''Devon''': You can't leave us here! If we try to go back, we'll be banished! Ostracized. Exiled... :'''Cornwall''': Not to mention kicked out. :'''Kayley''': Why? :'''Cornwall''': Cause we just broke the dragons' cardinal rule! :'''Kayley''': Rule? :'''Devon''': What? Never wear brown shoes with the blue suit? :'''Cornwall''': No, you moron. Never help a human. :'''Garrett''': Come on, Kayley. We must make camp before dark. :'''Devon''': Camp? :'''Kayley''': ''Garrett''. Let's take them with us. Please. :'''Garrett''': Oh, I suppose so. But no more singing! :'''Devon''': How about interpretive dance? ''[Garrett sighs]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Garrett''': Kayley, I must tell you, I knew your father. :'''Kayley''': You did? :'''Garrett''': I used to live in Camelot. ''[flashback]'' I was a stable boy, but I dreamt of becoming a knight. One evening, there was a fire. ''[Garrett opens the stable doors]'' I rushed to save the horses but, well… ''[A Horse hits Garrett in the eyes]'' I was hurt. At first, all I could see were shapes, then shadows. Finally, my world went black. ''[Garrett's vision blacks out. In the morning he tries to feel his way around; Sir Lionel sees him and grabs a stick]'' After I lost my sight ''[Sir Lionel passes Garrett the stick and teaches him to fight with it]'' Your father was the only one who still believed in me. He taught me that a knight's strength comes from his heart ''[Merlin and Ayden watch]'' and his loyalty to the Oath of Camelot. :'''Sir Lionel''': United we stand. :'''Both''': Now and forever. :'''Garrett''': Any hope I had of becoming a knight, died with him. :'''Kayley''': I felt that way too, but I knew he would never want me to give up. He wouldn't want you to give up either. You're as good as any knight in Camelot. :'''Garrett''': You really think so? <hr width=50%/> :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, we lost 'em again. :''[Ruber prepares to strike him; then looks up along the path]''. :'''Ruber''': Ah! That's where they went. :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh. :'''Garrett''': What is it? :'''Kayley''': We've lost the tracks. :''[Noise]'' :'''Kayley''': Tell me that was your stomach. :'''Garrett''': ''[shakes head]'' It was the [[w:Ogre|Ogre]]. :'''Devon''': "Ogre"?! :'''Cornwall''': Well, see ya, good luck, have a nice life;–– whatever's left of it. :'''Kayley''': What's so scary about ogres? :''[the skeleton of a large animal falls into their midst]'' :'''Devon''': Their appetite! :'''Cornwall''': Oh, no; I think it's Uncle Yorick! :'''Devon''': Alas, poor Yorick! :'''Garrett''': ''[listening to Ayden the Falcon]'' Quick! Get out of the way! :''[The Ogre stamps on the skeleton, discards more bones, and drops an ornate sheath]'' :'''Kayley''': It's the scabbard from Excalibur! He ''does'' have the [[sword]]. :''[Later]'' :'''Garrett''': Ogres sleep in the day. We'll wait for him to fall asleep, then, we'll grab the sword! :'''Devon''': Define "We". :'''Garrett''': Shh! Quiet! The slightest noise and we're finished! :'''Devon''': ''[looks around at skeletons along the walls of the Ogre's lair]'' Hmm. Charming place. I must get the name of his decorator. :'''Garrett''': What's he doing? :'''Kayley''': I can't see him. :'''Garrett''': He's here; I can smell him. :''[The Ogre moves]''. :'''Kayley''': You're right; he is here. :'''Garrett''': Where's Excalibur? :'''Kayley''': ''[aghast]'' He's using it as a toothpick! :'''Garrett''': Tell me when he falls asleep. :''[The Ogre gives a yawn and noisily lies down]''. :'''Cornwall''': Let me guess: he fell asleep! :'''Garrett''': Describe the lay-out. :'''Kayley''': There's a ledge, just above the sword! But it's gotta be a twenty-foot drop. :''[Garrett uses his staff and places it next to Cornwall. He places his hand on the stick, and compares it to Cornwall's height. He walks away, Devon and Cornwall look confused. Later, we see Devon and Cornwall's tail is hooked on the rock on the ledge, as the camera pans down, we see that Devon and Cornwall are holding onto Garrett's feet who is using his staff for Kayley to hook her legs around as she is trying to grab Excalibur. Devon and Cornwall are heard groaning.]'' :'''Kayley''': Lower down. More. :''[Then we cut to the far angle from the human-chain. Ruber's foot stomps in front of the camera. And we cut to the front of Ruber and his men.]'' :'''Iron Crossbowman''': Hey boss! Look! There they are– :'''Ruber''': ''whilst shoving one of the mace-wielding thug's mace balls into the arrow thug's mouth]'' Shut up! ''[he turns to see that the ogre hasn't woken up and the human-chain is anywhere going out of place. To himself, muttering.]'' (I hate ogres.) Walk this way. ''[Ruber's minions tip toe behind Ruber, making some metallic noises every step they take. Ruber sighs in annoyance. Devon spots Ruber, The Griffin and the henchmen from the distance.]'' :'''Devon''': Oh, no, it's him. ''[Devon points at Ruber, accidentally letting go of Garrett's foot]'' :'''Garrett''': Hey! :''[The chain began the jolt, Kayley nearly fell, but her feet managed to stay hooked on Garrett's staff. Kayley has lowered herself enough to Excalibur. Ruber has climbed on the Griffin and it begins to fly off, causing dust to rise.]'' :'''Griffin''': Ah-ah-ahhh-CHOOO! ''[After the Griffin sneezed, Ruber gasped, then Cornwall, then Garrett, and lastly Kayley. Then the ogre opens his eye in front of Kayley.]'' :'''Kayley''': Uh-oh! Nap-time's over! ''[Garrett does so, but he groans whilst doing so]'' Quick! Swing me back-and-forth! You're getting very sleepy, sleepy. ''[The ogre fell back to sleep shortly after Kayley hypnotized him]'' :'''Garrett''': ''[grabbing hold of Excalibur]'' Can you reach it? :'''Kayley''': I've got it! :''[Devon and Cornwall moan as Ayden grabs hold of Devon's head and pulls the chain to safety. Ruber and the Griffin fly off again to try to steal back the sword. But the ogre, still groggy, yawns in front of them, as the group ran for the exit. Ruber and the Griffin scream as they fall to the ground. Three of Ruber's henchmen chase after the group, but the ogre slams his hand into them, narrowly missing the group. Ruber and the Griffin land, and the ogre yawns and lifts his hand in the air. The flattened, but unharmed minions, blink. Then the ogre begins to change his sleeping position. Ruber and the Griffin gasp, as the ogre's rear end is lowering in front of them. The ogre sits down in his sleeping position, causing dust to rise.]'' :'''Ruber''': The Ogre's butt! ''[the dust clears to see that Ruber and the Griffin are indeed trapped under the ogre's butt]'' :'''Griffin''': Well, Master, at least things can't get any worse. :''[After the Griffin said that, the ground begins to shake]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[to the Griffin]'' Wanna bet? ''[As the group ran towards the exit of the cave, breaking wind is heard.]'' :'''Cornwall''': Whoa! Watch it! :''[Loud noise and gust of wind blowing Ruber and the Griffin over the heroes, who duck their heads and cover their noses as they run out of the Ogre's cave. Ruber and the Griffin crash into a cave wall]'' :'''Ruber''': Seize them! :'''Griffin''': ''[groaning, strained]'' Yes, Master. ''[Devon and Cornwall are the first to run through the exit, and stop at a cliff.]'' :'''Devon''': There's no way out! :'''Kayley''': There's one way out: you'll have to fly! :'''Devon''': We can't fly! (We explained that before our song). :''[Garrett seizes Kayley, Devon, & Cornwall and leaps with them into the canyon]''. :'''Cornwall''': ''[deep]'' Houston, we have a ''[normal]'' PROBLEM! ''[His voice echoes, as they slide down the cliff. Ruber stops at the cliff, followed by his henchmen]'' :'''Ruber''': After you! ''[he kicks them down the cliff, after the heroes. Ayden chirps in view, Ruber sees this, and motions the Griffin to attack him. The Griffin does so, but misses him, and Ayden flies around Ruber, who swings his sword at him, but misses. The Griffin's eyes widen and shrieks when he realizes what he's flying into. Ruber growls in shock, as the Griffin crashes into the cliff right below him, crumbling the cliff with Ruber on it, causing him to fall with the Griffin. Meanwhile, back to the group who are still sliding down the cliff with Kayley and Garrett on Devon and Cornwall, with Ruber's minions still sliding far behind. The Griffin and Ruber are right behind them.]'' :'''Devon''': Ladies and Gentlemen: Please put your seats in the upright position! :'''Cornwall''': Assume the crash position and hope you don't smell your socks! Tray tables up and put away your sandwiches! :'''Devon''': Turbulence! :'''Cornwall''': Hold on, gang. I think we're going in. Devon: Help! Mayday! Mayday! ''[Devon tries to grab the branch, but loses grip and continues falling and sliding down the cliff] [After the group had slided away, Ruber's minions crash-land on a rock nearby knocked out. Then the Griffin and Ruber fall onto them unconscious. Meanwhile, the group are still sliding down the slope, Devon and Cornwall's tail is catching fire, due to the friction when they are sliding down on the cliff.]'' :'''Devon''': We know you do have a choice, so thank you for flying Dragon Air! Ow! OW! OWW!! ''[They land on a lake extinguishing the fire, Garrett fell off into the water, but Kayley managed to stay on.]'' :'''Cornwall''': Tell you what, next time you try to fly, and we'll hold on. :'''Kayley''': We did it. We did it! I can't believe it! We did it! Garrett: ''[chuckles]'' Congratulations. :'''Kayley''': ''[she takes Excalibur out of its scabbard]'' So this is Excalibur. ''[Devon and Cornwall squabble over each other to hold the sword]'' :'''Devon''': Can I hold it? Give it to me! :'''Cornwall''': Please, let me hold it. Me! :'''Garrett''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' No! Excalibur only belongs in the hands of Arthur. ''[He walks away]'' Come on, Kayley. <hr width=50%/> :''[As Ayden flies through the end of the forest, Kayley pulls back a branch to see Camelot in the distance]'' :'''Kayley''': Camelot! Oh Garrett, it's so beautiful! :'''Garrett''': Hmmm. :'''Kayley''': I wish you could see it. :'''Garrett''': I have seen it. And there was no place for me. ''[hands her Excalibur]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett, what's wrong? :'''Garrett''': Take Excalibur to Arthur. You don't have much time. ''[Turns back towards the Forbidden Forest. Kayley is confused. Devon and Cornwall are dumbfounded]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[Runs ahead of him, blocking his path]'' But we'll deliver the sword together. :'''Garrett''': No. You deliver it. I...I don't belong in that world. ''[Moves past her]'' :'''Garrett''': Come on, Ayden. :'''Kayley''': ''[softly]'' But you belong in mine. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kayley is captured by Ruber and his Iron Men]'' :'''Ruber''': I'll take that. ''[takes Excalibur from its scabbard]'' Oh, ''[emphasizes the syllables of Excalibur and speaks softly]'' Excalibur! Mine! Forever! ''[to Kayley]'' You've been quite annoying... for a girl. <hr width=50%/> :'''Devon''': Kayley's been captured! :'''Cornwall''': And Ruber's got Excalibur! :'''Garrett''': What?! Take me to her! Come on, Ayden. :'''Cornwall''': They're halfway to Camelot by now. :'''Devon''': Oh, right! We've have to fly there to get there in [[time]]! Ruber drives me completely nuts! He makes me so mad, and angry! :'''Cornwall''': He's definitely a jerk; a giant jerk! :'''Devon''': The foulth [sic] of it! :'''Cornwall''': Wait 'til we get to Camelot. We'll show him a thing or two! Won't we? :'''Devon''': Yes! We darn well will! :'''Garrett''': ''[waves his staff under them]'' You're flying. :'''Devon''': Gosh! He's right. We are flying. :'''Cornwall''': ''I did it''! ''[showing off his biceps]'' I'm great. ''[kisses his biceps twice]'' I love me! I did it. :''[Devon hits him on the head]'' :'''Devon''': Excuse me, egomaniac, I think you mean I did it. :'''Cornwall''': No; careful! ''[They fall into a mud pool]'' :'''Garrett''': Don't you get it?! The only reason you can't fly is because you can't agree on anything! There must be something you can agree on. You both love Kayley, don't you? :''[Devon and Cornwall spit out mud, sigh, and look at each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to a bunch of storm clouds, The Griffin flies from them in front of the camera and flies over it. The wagons are heading towards the drawbridge of Camelot as the storm clouds slowly circle the kingdom.]'' :'''Guard''': Wagons approaching! :''[Ruber has hidden himself in a black cape to disguise himself.]'' :'''Ruber''': [whispering] Not a word. And let's all keep our heads, shall we? :''[Juliana turns to the inside of the wagon to see that the Spike-Slinger Thug has tied Kayley's hands and holds his blade close to her neck. He laughs evilly when he does. Juliana gasped and turned back round to the front.]'' :'''Guard''': It's Lady Juliana, lower the bridge at once! :''[The drawbridge lowers. Ruber grins evilly as the wagons and himself enter Camelot. The camera zooms towards Arthur's bedroom tower]'' :'''African-Descendant Guard''': Pardon me, my king. Lady Juliana has payed us a surprise visit. :'''King Arthur''': Ah, good. ''[he rises from his chair]'' Tell her I'll receive her at the round table. :''[Meanwhile, the wagons had arrived in Camelot. Ruber's minions have hidden themselves in the carts. Ruber looks around carefully to see if no-one is suspicious. A girl plays with her doll, as her dog barks happily, she drops the doll, until her mother picks it up and hands it back to her. Ruber's horse slows down]'' :'''Ruber''': ''[quietly]'' Steady, steady. :''[The residents walk around the wagons, as Ruber grins to himself, evilly. Suddenly, one of the wagon's wheels goes over a rock, causing it to jolt. Kayley, who is now bound and gagged, kicks the thug with her legs, causing him to fall through the floor and scrapes himself on the tiles. Kayley dodges as the thugs pierces the wooden beams with his claws. Bladebeak had finished reconciling with his wife and turns to Kayley]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Ah! Bladebeak, at your service! ''[he uses his "beak" to slice off the ropes on Kayley's hands, and Kayley unties the gag. The wagons have come to a halt in front of the castle]'' :'''Knight''': Lady Juliana? :''[Kayley suddenly bursts out of the wagon]'' :'''Kayley''': Hey! It's a trap! :''[The residents and the knights gasp in fright, Ruber reveals himself and his horse neighs.]'' :'''Ruber''': ATTACK! :''[The knights gasp as Ruber charges on his horse towards them. Then, all of the thugs burst out of the wagons, scaring off the residents. Finally, the Spike-Slinger Thug, burst out of the wagon, slicing it, into pieces. Ruber slices most of the knights' spears and swords with Excalibur.]'' :'''Ruber''': SEAL OFF THE CASTLE! :''[Everyone ran for the lives. Ruber charges on his horse into the castle, and two of his thugs block up the front doors after Ruber went in. The knights charged towards the ironmen, but they were defeated. A knight tries to strike the mace-wielding thug with his sword, but the blade broke off in contact. Then a thug's grabs a knight and hurls him to a another knight, next to a pit of fiery coals. The knight crashed into the pit, knocking it over, spilling out the coals, causing fire to spread near the stables. The knights again, try to defeat the ironmen, but to no avail. A knight was thrown back.]'' :'''Knight''': Ruber has breached the castle keep, The king is still inside! :''[Kayley looks at the front doors that have now been blocked and then at the tower's scaffolding.]'' :'''Kayley''': Mother, I must help the King. :''[She head off to the scaffolding]'' :'''Bladebeak''': Don't worry, we'll be fine! [he grins, and his wife looks at him] :''[Kayley has made her way on the ramparts and tries to run across the scaffolding to get into the castle, but the Griffin flies in, and Kayley jumps off the scaffolding and out of the way as the Griffin smashes through the scaffolding. Then two thugs came from both sides of her and corner her on the rampart's edge. Then Kayley loses her balance, and seemingly falls off the ramparts and off-screen. Then after one second, Kayley is raised back up, and turns out that Garrett had broke her fall with his staff and is now on Devon and Cornwall who are now flying.]'' :'''Kayley''': Garrett! You came back! :'''Garrett''': Heads up! ''[Garrett jumps down, and Kayley dodges as Devon and Cornwall swung their tail at the thugs, causing them to fall into the moat, screaming.]'' Sorry I'm late. I hate flying coach. :''[the two hug each other in reunion]'' :'''Kayley''': ''[to Devon and Cornwall]'' You're flying! :'''Devon''': Yes, we are frequent fliers now! :''[Meanwhile, Arthur heads down the corridor to the Round Table Room]'' :'''King Arthur''': Juliana? :''[Then we cut to Ruber sitting in Arthur's damaged chair, waiting for him]'' :'''Ruber''': Ta-da! :'''King Arthur''': Ruber! :'''Ruber''': Pleased to see me? ''[After hearing the doors are being locked. Arthur grabs a nearby spear. Ruber walks up from the throne, hiding his arm with his cape.]'' A spear? ''[he chuckles mockingly]'' How [[w:Stone Age|Stone Age]]! A king would hold a nobler weapon! A king would hold ''[He pulls off his cape, revealing the bonded Excalibur on his hand]''... Excalibur! [Ruber twitches his eye] :''[We cut back to the ramparts]'' :'''Garrett''': Where's Ruber? :'''Kayley''': He has the king trapped inside, there's no way in! :'''Garrett''': The King... Wait, I know a way! Through the stables! :''[Suddenly, the Griffin flies into view, Kayley and Garrett gasp. But Ayden attacks the Griffin, causing the creature to chase the falcon off. Then, more of Ruber's minions are closing in.]'' :'''Kayley''': Give me your hand. ''[spotting a haystack cart with a horse] Jump! [Both Kayley and Garrett jump down from the rampart, and into the cart. Kayley lands in the hay, and Garrett lands in front and rides the cart off to the stables]'' Garrett, what're you doing?! :'''Garrett''': I'm driving! :'''Kayley''': You think that's a good idea?! :'''Garrett''': No problem! Hang on! :'''Kayley''': Oh, no, Garrett! Right! Right! Look out! :''[A sharp swerve, and they fall from the cart into the stables]'' :'''Garrett''': See, that wasn't so bad… was it? :'''Ruber''': ''[to Arthur]'' So many memories in this room… makes me wanna puke! You said, Everyone at this Table, was equal; well, I have something sweeter: [[revenge]]! :'''Garrett''': These tunnels lead to the Round Table. :'''Kayley''': I can't see! :'''Garrett''': Don't worry, I'll be your eyes. :'''Griffin''': ''[seizes Ayden]'' Finally, Silverwings; you're mine! :'''Devon''': Well, excuse me! :'''Cornwall''': Pick on somebody your own size. ''[to Devon]'' Let's barbecue this bully. :'''Devon''': I couldn't agree more! :''[They blow fire at the Griffin, who drops Ayden; Cornwall catches him]''. :'''Cornwall''': Hang on, little birdie! :''[Devon and Cornwall then chase off the Griffin by repeatedly breathe fire at him. Back in Camelot, Juliana is tending to as injured knight as Bladebeak and his wife watch on. Then the Mace-Wielding Thugs spins its mace-balls around, roaring. Bladebeak steps up to him]'' :'''Bladebeak''': You got to ask yourself: "Do I feel clucky?" Well, do ya punk?! :''[Bladebeak squawks as he jumps on the mace-wielding thug and starts to peck on his neck with his "beak". Bladebeak's wife turns to Juliana and points at him and then to herself, as if she was saying, "That's my man!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Kayley''': Isn't this everything you've ever wanted? :'''Garrett''': Well, not quite... everything... ''[they kiss; Devon blows kisses at Cornwall]'' :'''Cornwall''': Hey! Don't even think about it. :'''Merlin''': Well done, Ayden. ===She's On Way Day End Title Song=== Random ==Crazy credits== * Devon and Cornwall will be back in ''[[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]]''. ==Cast== * [[w:Jessalyn Gilsig| Jessalyn Gilsig]] — [[Kayley]] ** [[w:Andrea Corr|Andrea Corr]] (singing voice) ** [[w:Sarah Rayne|Sarah Rayne]] — Young Kayley * [[w:Cary Elwes|Cary Elwes]] — [[Garrett]] ** [[w:Bryan White|Bryan White]] (singing voice) * [[w:Gary Oldman|Gary Oldman]] — [[Baron Ruber|Ruber]] * [[w:Eric Idle|Eric Idle]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Devon]] * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — [[Devon and Cornwall the Two-Headed Dragon|Cornwall]] * [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] — [[Lady Juliana|Juliana]] ** [[w:Celine Dion|Celine Dion]] (singing voice) * [[Pierce Brosnan]] — [[King Arthur (Quest for Camelot)|King Arthur]] ** [[w:Steve Perry|Steve Perry]] (singing voice) * [[w:Bronson Pinchot|Bronson Pinchot]] — [[Griffin (Quest for Camelot)|The Griffin]] * [[w:Jaleel White|Jaleel White]] — [[Bladebeak]] * [[w:Gabriel Byrne|Gabriel Byrne]] — [[Sir Lionel]] * [[w:John Gielgud|John Gielgud]] — [[Merlin (Quest for Camelot)|Merlin]] * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] — [[Ayden|Ayden the Falcon]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1998 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Animated films based on novels]] [[Category:Films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Films directed by Frederik Du Chau]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] kpp27p3wiyw5orsyivxzeat70ydtp9g 0 99169 3944616 3904960 2026-05-23T21:52:57Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944616 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Christopher Logue|Christopher Logue]]''' CBE ([[23 November]] [[1926]] – [[2 December]] [[2011]]) was an English writer, best known as a poet, though he was also a journalist, translator, lyricist, screenwriter, playwright and actor. {{author-stub}} == Sourced == * I, Christopher Logue, was baptized the year<br/>Many thousands of Englishmen,<br/>Fists clenched, their bellies empty,<br/>Walked day and night on the capital city. ** "The Song of Autobiography", from ''Songs'' (London: Hutchinson, 1959) p. 12. * Come to the edge.<br/>We might fall.<br/>Come to the edge.<br/>It's too high!<br/>COME TO THE EDGE!<br/>And they came<br/>And he pushed<br/>And they flew. ** "Come to the Edge", from ''New Numbers'' (London: Jonathan Cape, 1969) pp. 65-66. ** Originally written for a poster advertising an Apollinaire exhibition at the [[w:Institute of Contemporary Arts|ICA]] in 1961 or 1962, and there titled "Apollinaire Said". The poem is therefore often misattributed to [[Guillaume Apollinaire]]. (Source: ''Quote…Unquote Newsletter'', July 1995, p. 2). * Said [[Karl Marx|Marx]], "Don't be snobbish, we seek to abolish<br/>The 3rd class, not the 1st." ** "M", from ''Logue's A. B. C.'' (London: Scorpion Press, 1966) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0517787/ Christopher Logue at IMDb] {{DEFAULTSORT:Logue, Christopher}} [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Journalists from England]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Screenwriters from England]] [[Category:Songwriters from England]] [[Category:Playwrights from England]] [[Category:Actors from England]] [[Category:1926 births]] [[Category:2011 deaths]] [[Category:Commanders of the Order of the British Empire]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] h6s33lu25lj2d5k3tov9y02nu9t7b51 0 101251 3944485 3943441 2026-05-23T13:48:46Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944485 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Autor |Nombre = Christina Aguilera |Photo = Liberation Tour (31108487277) (cropped).jpg |Wikipedia = Christina Aguilera |Wikicommons = Christina Aguilera }} '''[[w:Christina Aguilera|Christina María Aguilera]]''' (born [[December 18]], [[1980]]) is an American Grammy Award-winning Pop/R&B singer, songwriter and actress. {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I was born in Staten Island, New York. But I call my hometown Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, because that's basically where I ended up from age eight on. But right after Staten Island... I've lived everywhere from Texas, to Japan for three years, to New Jersey. I'm this traveling girl. My father was in the Army, so I guess I'm an Army brat. ** [http://www.aclasscelebs.com/christinaa/interview.htm A Christina Aguilera interview to MTV - Compiled by Stephanie McGrath] (1999) * I think an artist can fit under a few different categories depending on how much you explore your creativity. It can vary from artist to artist from musician to performer to vocalist. I thrive on creativity. So in the long run I want to be an all around entertainer. ** [http://www.bignoisenow.com/christina/msn.html A Christina Aguilera interview to MSN Live Chat 2000 - Compiled by bignoise.com] (2000) * Even when I was little, I knew I was meant to perform. I would watch specials on TV or videos of Janet or Whitney, and I would start crying because I was like 'I want that so bad'. ** [http://www.bignoisenow.com/christina/allure02interview.html A Christina Aguilera interview to Allure Magazine 2002 - Compiled by Courtney Watson] (2002) *We are coming slowly but surely around a corner, not taking the things that we used to. **[https://www.eonline.com/ As stated on ENews] *I think that whatever size or shape body you have, it's important to embrace it and get down! The female body is something that's so beautiful. I wish women would be proud of their bodies and not dis other women for being proud of theirs! **[https://m.imdb.com/?ref_=nv_home As stated on IMDB] *"You need to find the power within to make things happen for yourself. When you realize this, you are unstoppable.” **[https://millyuns.com/quotes-aguilera/ As Stated on millyuns] *"It was heartbreaking because I found out he played for your team, not mine." **[https://people.com/ As stated on people.com] *To be given the opportunity to help shape new artists' careers and mentor them to see their dreams come to fruition is a task I welcome with open arms. **[https://quotesgram.com/christina-aguilera-quotes/ As stated on quotesgram.com] ==External links== *[http://www.christinaaguilera.com/us Official website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Aguilera, Christina}} [[Category:R&B singers]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers from the United States]] [[Category:Music producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actresses from New York City]] [[Category:Activists from New York City]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:LGBT rights activists]] [[Category:Philanthropists from the United States]] [[Category:1980 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Musicians from Pittsburgh]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:Women born in the 1980s]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] [[Category:Latin Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] el6jcjjldtybn7sk4lspbjhe447g9rx 0 104865 3944516 3917029 2026-05-23T16:26:10Z TheNewKindAdaptableKayak 3101673 /* Episode 37: Right Hand Man */ 3944516 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Madagascar penguins (6952709943).jpg|thumb|You didn’t see anything.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Penguins of Madagascar|The Penguins of Madagascar]]''''', also known as simply '''''Penguins of Madagascar''''', '''''The Penguins''''' or '''''Penguins''''', is an American 3D-animated television series broadcast on Nickelodeon, starring the penguins from the 2005 film ''Madagascar''. == Season 1== === Episode 5: Happy King Julien Day! === :'''King Julien''': I was so looking forward to eating my delicious cake! How can I look forward to eating nothing?! Answer me, Maurice! :'''Maurice''': They'll make new cakes. New bake-off on the double! :'''Skipper''': Hold it, party boy! One quiet week of scheduled maintenance. Is that too much to ask? Is it?! You bombard me with music, and fruit, and this! ''[points to the cake on his head]'' Newsflash, lower mammal, there's no such thing as '''''KING JULIEN DAY!!!''''' === Episode 7: Assault & Batteries=== :'''King Julien''': Come back here, you music hater! :'''Skipper''': I don't hate music. I hate noise. === Episode 9: Two Feet High and Rising === :'''Maurice''': ''[After calling the other zoo animals to the lemur habitat]'' You’ve all been called here today to dig a proclamation from King Julien himself! :'''Marlene''': ''[To Burt the elephant]'' Thirty peanuts says this is about his feet. :'''Burt''': Make it forty. :'''King Julien''': ''[Clears his throat]'' From this moment that is happening now and on, those who touch the king’s feet, which are mine, will be punished most savagely! ''[He unfurls a piece of paper with a foot in a “Not allowed” sign]'' I drew that. Me. I did. ''[Everyone groans]'' :'''Mort''': No feet? :'''Skipper''': Well, that’s five minutes of our lives we won’t get back. :'''Kowalski''': Until I get my time machine fully functioning. ''[Everyone leaves]'' :'''Julien''': Wait! This is a very serious proclamation that I am proclaiming! ''[Slaps the “No feet allowed” sign on the volcano]'' Look! It is posted right here on the plastic volcano! And '''''ANYONE''''' who dares to be touching my beautiful feets shall be banish-ed from my kingdom! '''''FOREVER!!!!!!''''' :'''Maurice''': ''[Pretending to echo]'' Ever! Ever. Ever… :'''Julien''': What are you doing? :'''Maurice''': Echoing your for dramatic effect! :'''Julien''': Oh, nice! I like it! Now go to rebuilding my super comfy pamper-time floaty throne! And make it floatier and super comfy! ''[Maurice leaves]'' :'''Mort''': ''[Sadly poking his head out from behind a rock, staring at Julien’s feet]'' Banished… forever? :'''Julien''': Forever! :'''Maurice''': Ever! Ever! Ever! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later that night, while Julien’s asleep, Mort is wide awake as he sits far away from Julien]'' :'''Mort''': Must not think about feet. ''[Falls asleep]'' Must count sheep. ''[Dreams he wakes up in a meadow]'' Yay! Sheep! ''[The first two sheep jump over a fence]'' One, two… ''[Yawns]'' Three… ''[Suddenly, the third sheep transforms into Julien’s foot]'' :'''Foot''': ''[With Julian’s voice]'' Feet, Mort! You must count feet! :'''Mort''': Okay! ''[Skips after the two feet. The dream ends with him back in the lemur habitat, giggling while he’s sleeping. Walks over to Julien]'' No! Not the feet! ''[Chains himself to a fake palm tree]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The next morning, Mort, chained to the fake palm tree, wakes up by Julien’s feet. Julien wakes up and they both scream]'' :'''Julien''': What in the feets are you doing?!? :'''Mort''': I… I… I… You… You… You… :'''Julien''': You… You… You are hereby banish-ed from my kingdom '''''FOREVER!!!!''''' ''[Looks around]'' Maurice?! :'''Maurice''': ''[Late on the echo]'' Ever! Ever… Wait! You mean Mort’s exiled? For eternity? :'''Julien''': Forever ''or'' for eternity! I’m flexible, but the no-feet touching must be of zero tolerance! :''[Mort sulks away, crying, dragging the palm tree behind him. Suddenly, Julien’s feet appear]'' :'''Foot #1''': You cannot escape us, Mort! :'''Foot #2''': Hug us! We need hugs! ''[The feet circle around him]'' :'''Mort''': Shoo! Go away, feet! ''[Swats the air, pretending to shoo the feet away. Nearby, Marlene watches]'' :'''Marlene''': Hey, Mort. I heard about the whole foot-banishing thing. If there’s anything I can do to help… :'''Mort''': Fix me! Cure me! Help me! Save me! :'''Marlene''': Whoa! Take it easy, Mort! I’m an otter! Not a miracle worker! But I know someone who can help! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': ''[To Mort]'' Sad Eyes! Fall in! ''[Mort stands erect like a soldier]'' Recruit, I’m gonna mold you like a lump of wet clay! : '''Marlene ''': Yeah. Good luck with that. ''[Leaves the Penguins’ hideout]'' : '''Mort ''': Oh, goody! I’m wet clay! <hr width="50%"/> ''[Inside the Penguins’ enclosure, the Penguins set up an obstacle course for Mort. After Skipper blows his whistle, Mort runs to the first obstacle where a standee of Julien’s foot pops up]'' :'''Mort''': What’s that, Mr. Foot? You want a hug? Okay! === Episode 12: The Hidden === :'''Skipper''': Pop quiz, troops. What can't we trust? :'''Kowalski''': ''[flipping through his notebook]'' Three-day-old stir-fry mung beans. :'''Skipper''': Right. What else can't we trust? :'''Private''': ''[holding up a book on badgers]'' Badgers! :''[Skipper gives Private a questionable look]'' :'''Private''': ...Maybe that's just me. === Episode 13: Kingdom Come === :'''Skipper''': Listen up, lemur. Maurice ate those bad nuts. He went off the deep end. :'''Kowalski''': He's turned the lemur habitat into an armed fortress. :'''Private''': He's enslaved the entire zoo! :'''King Julien''': I cannot be believing my ears. ''[furious]'' Maurice ATE MY LYCHEE NUTS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maurice''': ''[after snapping out of his trance]'' Who would ''dare'' wear the sacred crown of King Julien?! Wait. ''[gasps]'' It's me! === Episode 15: All Choked Up === :'''Mort''': Ooooh, it smells like the circus! :'''Skipper''': Uh, do you mind? We're trying to help him. :'''Melman''': All right, Skipper. That's enough. It's my turn. :'''Skipper''': WHAT?! :'''Melman''': Okay, your stomach begins rumbling, it is on the verge of vomiting. Throw up! :'''Mort''': Weeheheheee! :'''Maurice''': Mort the bomb! Get rid of the bomb! :'''Mort''': I got the bomb, Mort is the best, I am the winner! Mort is so—owe! :'''Rico''': What happened? :'''Skipper''': Why, Melman, you won! And Rico’s talking now! Oh, Thank you, Doc. === Episode 18: Miracle On Ice === :'''Skipper''': ''[After the rat king jumps on Kowalski while playing hockey; concerned]'': Kowalski, speak to me, man! :'''Kowalski''': ''[lying on ground]'' Just a... knock on the old... ''[twitches]'' ...monkey bus. :'''Skipper''': ''[confused]'' Kowalski? :'''Kowalski''': ''[stumbling on ice]'' No need to paint. I'm as flopsy-faced as ever. :'''Skipper''': ''[after Kowalski gets up and picks up hockey stick]'' I...don't think you're fit for duty. :'''Kowalski''': ''[continuing to stumble]'' Flibertigibit, man. I'm as juxtaposed as the next hamburger. ''[slips and falls on his belly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Private''': ''[after he and Skipper also get hurt]'' Skipper, maybe it's time to admit we've lost. :'''Kowalski''': ''[stumbling in the background]'' The moo-cow may have a chocolate marshmallow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Julien''': NONE... MAY TOUCH... THE ROYAL FEET!!! '''''NONE!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Julian wins the hockey game, defeating the sewer rats, Rico, Private and Skipper looked shocked; Kowalski stumbles past them]'' :'''Kowalski''': Well, I'll be a bicycle-cream-cone! === Episode 21: Mort Unbound === :''[Last lines]'' :'''Kowalski''': Well, nothing left to do but whip up another batch of antidote. :'''Private''': Actually, I don't think that won't be necessary. Private ''likes'' big. :'''Rico''': Oh, boy. === Episode 23: Misfortune Cookie === :'''Julien''': And finally, it's the trampling by a thousand rhinos! ''[A rhino tramples Rico who yelps]'' Uh, slight glitch, though, we only have one rhino. So you have to do it a thousand times. ''[Rico gets trampled by the rhino again]'' :''[Some time later]'' :'''Julien''': Flightless bird, you have completed the three trials! By the way, sorry about the extra rhino tramplings. I lost count. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rico scatting]'' :'''Duck''': Look out! ''[lands on Rico's face with his rear]'' === Episode 27: Otter Gone Wild === :'''Kowalski''': ''[goes up to Fred in the tree]'' You there. ''[Fred looks down at him and sees him holding up a drawing of King Julian and Marlene]'' Have you seen this Lemur and Otter? :'''Fred''': Which one of them is the Otter? :'''Kowalski''': ''[Looks at photo and points to Marlene]'' This one, obviously. Note the whiskers. :'''Fred''': No, I-I thought that was a Cat. :'''Kowalski''': Did I say "Have you seen this Lemur and Cat?" :'''Fred''': No, that's why I thought it was strange that you drew a Cat. :'''Kowalski''': It's not a Cat. :'''Fred''': Then why does it have whiskers? :'''Kowalski''': You know what, never mind the Otter. :'''Fred''': Cat. :'''Kowalski''': Whatever! ''[Holds the drawing up again]'' Have you seen the Lemur? :'''Fred''': What's a Lemur? :'''Kowalski''': ''[Turns around and walks away]'' I think we're done here. === Episode 35: I Was a Penguin Zombie === :'''Private''': ''[hears Skipper wheeze and cough, followed by a bucket being kicked]'' Skipper's... gone? It-it-it can't be! ''[jumps off]'' What'll we do? :'''Kowalski''': We'll honour him the way he would've wanted... by soldiering on like men. ''[salutes]'' :''[Cut to all three bawling in HQ; Kowalski is hugging Private while Rico spits out a picture of Skipper]'' :'''Rico''': Why, why, WHYYYYYYY!?!? === Episode 48: Dr. Blowhole's Revenge === :'''Julien''': ''[after Dr. Blowhole and he stopped laughing maniacally]'' Question: why are we laughing? :'''Dr. Blowhole''': Question: how did the prisoner escape?! ''[Julien leaps on him]'' :'''Julien''': Prisoner escaped?! Is he dangerous? :'''Dr. Blowhole''': ''[annoyed]'' No, and apparently, he isn't very bright. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr Blowhole''': You'll appreciate this, Kowalski. I've installed a lair Theater System, High definition with surround sound. Exre-e-emely spendy. :'''Kowalski''': ''[slightly angry]'' Oh, why do the bad guys always get the good stuff? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Blowhole''': I am so glad you could all join me to witness history. I am, of course, especially pleased that my fli-i-i-ghtless foes graced us with their presence. :'''Skipper''': ''[annoyed]'' Wouldn't miss it for the world. :'''Private''': There's nothing good on Tely tonight anyway. :'''Dr. Blowhole''': ''[hovering over Private]'' Well, Private, here's a little show ''I'' whipped up. It's called: :'''Computer Voice''': Ring of Fire. :'''Dr. Blowhole''': It is fitting that I returned to the very aqua theater where I performed tricks for the duller humans. Oh, how it made me bitter. :'''Private''': Sorry. Did he say "bitter" or "better"? :'''Skipper''': Hard to say; the sound really bounces around in here. :'''Kowalski''': No, that would be the high ceilings. :'''Dr. Blowhole''': My humiliation in the Ring of Fire became my inspiration. In the Frozen North, we've constructed a vast circle of certainly surprising devices that tap into the heat of the Earth's core. ''[four drill-like devices break through the ice, glowing]'' :'''Skipper''': Oh, come on. ''[Dr. Blowhole zooms over to Skipper]'' :'''Dr. Blowhole''': Do you mind?! I'm just getting to the good part! It's re-e-ealy quite a shocker. :'''Skipper''': It's so obvious. Humiliated by the humans- :'''Private''': -activate the Ring of Fire- :'''Kowalski''': -melt the Arctic- '' :''[Rico babbles]'' :'''Skipper''': Well, how did we do, punk? :'''Dr. Blowhole''': ''[slightly surprised]'' You're... in the ball park. <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Julien''': If you ask me, the ''not'' pretty part was the bad guy running away like a scaredy baby. He was no match for me, Double Agent Spy Guy! :'''Marlene''': ''[laughs]'' You're kidding, right? :'''King Julien''': No, Marlene, you are wrong again. Shut it. :'''Mort''': I helped. :'''Marlene''': ''[in disbelief]'' Julien the double agent saves the world? Come on. ''[leaves]'' :'''King Julien''': ''[stammers flustered]'' So, I face danger and the adventure of a lifetime, and nobody will ever know about it? :'''Skipper''': Welcome to my world. That makes you an honorary penguin. :'''King Julien''': Does that mean I am your BFF? :'''Skipper''': Uh... We'll keep that code on the Q.T. :'''Mort''': ''[runs past]'' King Julien is a buffalo firefighter! ===Episode 51: Truth Ache=== :'''Kowalski''': Private, do you honestly like Skipper's monkfish surprise? :'''Private''': ''[trance]'' No. It tastes like elephant sweat, but everyone pretends to like it to spare Skipper's fragile ego. :'''Skipper''': ''[despaired]'' My whole life... is a lie! == Season 2 == === Episode 1: The Red Squirrel === :'''Julien''': ''[after being submerged in toy dolls]'' I confess to everything! My father was not a talking water cycle! ''[is submerged again]'' I cheat at whistling! ''[makes raspberries]'' :'''Buck Rockgut''': These snitches don't know anything. They're just a bunch of "small potatoes." :'''King Julien''': It's true! I am also secretly a potato. OK, that one was a lie. I just wanted the ropes off, you know? <hr width=50%/> :'''Fred''': I've always wanted to ride in a box. You know, they got cardboard in the inside, too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Skipper''': ''[after realizing Buck Rockgut was crazy]'' Well, maybe we left our paranoia caps on a little too long. :'''Private''': I do feel bad for the old guy. He's wasted decades chasing an enemy that probably doesn't even exist. ''[the penguins glide on their stomachs back to the zoo; a telescope appears out of a bush and reveals an underground lair]'' :'''Red Squirrel''': ''[pushing the record button on a tape recorder]'' Red Squirrel's log. Special Agent Rockgut has been dispos-sed of. ''[turns his chair around]'' Time to get to work. ''[laughs maniacally and leaps toward a metal door, but crashes into it]'' Stupid eye-patch. === Episode 2: It's About Time === :'''Future Kowalski(s)''': Private/Skipper, you've got to stop me!! :'''Private''': ''[in response to the first future Kowalski]'' Um... okay. Kowalski, stop, please. :'''Skipper''': ''[in response to and kicks the second future Kowalski]'' There, you're stopped. :'''Future Kowalski(s)''': No, not ''me'', me! ''That'' me! :'''Private/Skipper''': There's 2 of you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Skipper''': Private, listen to me. I have a Kowalski from the future who-- :'''Private''': ''You'' have a future Kowalski? ''I'' have a future Kowalski! And mine says it must be destroyed! :'''Skipper''': Well, mine says it must be saved. :'''Private''': Oh, dear! Which future Kowalski do we listen to? :'''Skipper''': I say... the one that lets you slap a hippie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Skipper''': ''[kneeling down at the statue of liberty sunken in snow cone shavings]'' Kowalski, you maniac! You did it. ''[pounding on the floor]'' You finally did it. :'''Kowalski''': Yeah, but you got to admit, these are pretty good snow cones. ''[picking up snow cone offering to Skipper]'' :'''Skipper''': Yeah, totally worth it. ''[licking on snow cone]'' === Episode 8: Fit to Print === :'''Kowalski''': When they blow up the shot, we are going to be plastered across every billboard and bus stop in Manhattan. :'''Private''': Oh, dear! Our cover will be blown! :'''Kowalski''': Well, it gets worse. Skipper, you better have a look at this. ''[hands Skipper his binocluars]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[looks closer at the photo]'' What? I don't see-- Wait. What is that stuck to my foot? Is that...? :'''Kowalski''': It is. Toilet tissue. :'''Skipper''': T.P. foot?! Insult to injury! :'''Kowalski''': Comparing it to this tissue sample, I would say it is two-- no, ''three''-ply! So, you know, there's... that. === Episode 14: Badger Pride === :'''Marlene''': ''[snaps at Stacy and Becky]'' Oh, my gosh, will you guys stop badgering me?! :''[Stacy and Becky are shocked at Marlene's statement. They look at each other, and become furious.]'' :'''Becky''': '''"BADGER?!"''' :'''Stacy''': Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. :'''Becky''': Is that what you think badgers do, Marlene?! ''[close-up]'' '''BADGER?!''' :'''Marlene''': ''[gasps and covers her mouth in shock]'' I so didn't mean it that way! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean--! :'''Becky''': You said it, Marlene! So you must have meant it! :'''Stacy''': Calm down, Becky, find your happy space! She didn't mean to spew hateful badger stereotypes! :'''Becky''': DO YOU THINK BADGERS BADGER, MARLENE?! HUH?! DO YA?! DO YA?! DO YA?! '''''DO YA?!''''' :'''Marlene''': No, no, I was just saying I don't want to play any more silly games, that's all. :'''Stacy''': ''[furiously turns to Marlene]'' '''Silly...?''' :'''Marlene''': Ohh... === Episode 15: Kaboom and Kabust === :''[At the Lemur Habitat, wooden debris is seen falling from the sky from Rico's Explosion]'' :'''King Julien''': That was the most "awesome-est" thing I have ever seen that wasn't me! :''[Rico laughs with joy at being able to blow something up]'' :'''Skipper''': Rico! ''[The other Penguins show up at the Lemur Habitat, all looking angry]'' Who authorized that billboard detonation, hmm?! :'''Julien''': Who authorized anybody to care? Ha! The shiny face sign is gone, and there was exploding! Haha! High-five the awesome baby! :'''Rico''': Alright! ''[high-fives with Julien]'' :'''Kowalski''': ''[to Skipper with reminding words]'' You did tell him to take care of King Julien's problem... :'''Julien''': You know? I can think of many other things that also could use a good "Kabooming," if you know what I mean! :''[Rico tingles all over while giving a content shudder of ecstasy at the thought]'' :'''Skipper''': Whoa, Ringtail! There's a reason we don't let Rico go wild with the kaboom. He needs a guiding hand to pull him back before things go too far-- ''[Rico and Julien then doze off from Skipper's warning about Rico's problem, instead imagining what they can blow up by constantly repeating the phrase "Kaboom" in their heads]'' --fiery end of life as we know it! ''Comprende''? :'''Rico & Julien''': ''[monotoned]'' Kaboom! Kaboom! :'''Julien''': ''[regains consciousness]'' Uh-heh, I mean, of course! It is unwise that we two shall Kaboom together ''[winks to Rico]'' ever again. :'''Private''': Why are you winking? :'''Julien''': Because, I'm... allergic to, uh... Shut up, okay? :''[Julien pushes The Penguins out of his habitat]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Inside the Lemur Habitat, Julien and Rico are now in front of Julien's throne, which has been rigged with some explosives]'' :'''Julien''': You are my minister of awesome!! :'''Rico''': YAA-HOO-HOOOO!! ''[high-fives Julien]'' :''[The other penguins shortly arrive after]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[demandingly angry]'' Rico! Explain yourself, soldier! :'''Julien''': Ah! Check it out! You remember my old, boring, and lame throne? :'''Rico''': ''[agreeing with Julien]'' Eh? :'''Julien''': Now, thanks to the crazy penguin with the sick skills, it explodes like a rock-and-roller concert every time you say the word "Julien!" :''[As Julien says his name, a shower of fireworks shoots up from the devices on his throne]'' :'''Rico''': ''[rock star-esque voice]'' AAAAAAAAAH, YEAH!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Skipper''': Move in hard and fast, men! Rico's a danger to himself and others. We never leave a madman behind. :'''Julien''': Haha! Too late, you silly penguin! Already he is expanding my kingdom with the most "mayhem-iest" destructo machine ever! Hahaha!-- ''[Just as Julien starts laughing, Rico is heard making a buzzing noise from Julien's throne and is seen shuddering violently]'' Okay, why is he just standing there? :''[Rico's shuddering turns even more violently]'' :'''Skipper''': YOU MANIAC! YOU LET HIM GO TOO FAR!! He's built up too much psychotic pressure! :'''Julien''': Too much... what? :'''Private''': Don't you see? RICO ''IS'' THE DESTRUCTO MACHINE!! :''[Inside the Lemur Habitat, Rico, now completely insane, proceeds to cause all sorts of chaos. This includes destroying Julien's throne and regurgitating all sorts of items everywhere. His items cause a giant crack in Julien's concrete pedestal and destroys it. Rico then proceeds to attack several nearby items such as trees and bamboo inside the Lemur habitat. All the while, there are explosions being seen from inside the habitat, to Julien's horror]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Rico's rampage has caused destruction to the Lemur Habitat]'' :'''Julien''': ''[devastated]'' My... kingdom... :'''Private:''' You did the right thing, Julien... Eventually... When you had no other choice... Um... Good job? :'''Julien''': ''[delighted]'' Look how roomy it is now! Finally, a habitat fit for a king! Come, Maurice, let us wallow in the luxurious nothing! :'''Mort''': Hooray for nothing! :''[Julien and the others leave to observe their "new" habitat as Private goes to join the other Penguins]'' === Episode 16: The Helmet === :'''King Julien''': I was handling it just fine, until you came charging in here like a herd of angry rhinos! ''[gets trampled by a stampede of rhinos]'' At least I didn't say like a herd of angry elephants. ''[gets trampled by a stampede of elephants]'' Okay, okay, but at least I didn't say a city bus. ''[gets run over by a city bus]'' Okay. I see what I did there. But at least I didn't say-- :'''Skipper''': Nothing. You didn't say nothing, and you didn't think nothing. :'''Kowalski''': Despite Skipper's double negatives, I trust our point is becoming clear. === Episode 21: Hello, Dollface === :'''Man over PA''': OK, guys. That's 9:00! Unbolt the doors... :''[The store doors are packed with many people]'' :'''Man over PA''': ....and stand back! :''[A store employee and a horde of angry people start rampaging for the new Chatty Miss Perky doll. One person runs on Rico, Kowalski ducks and screams, and a person picks up Private. Private farts on that person's face, blowing his hat off.]'' :'''Private''': Oooh. :'''Man''': ''[referring to Private]'' Talking penguin? ''[he shakes him]'' What is this? 2005? :''[The man tosses Private back on the floor]'' :'''Private''': Aaaaaahhhhh! :''[He crashes on the floor joining the other penguins. On the empty aisle shelf, the Chatty! sign from the doll's logo, hangs briefly, then falls. The penguins are beat up from the fight. Rico is on a tricycle wheel hanging upside down. Skipper sits up, his eyes rolling dizzily as he smiles goofily.]'' :'''Kowalski''': ''[exhausted]'' Maybe at a different toy store? :''[Later, at another toy store, Skipper is seen screaming because of the same doll rampage and he gets kicked by a person. Private is stepped on his head, Rico is squashed by a man's shoe. A person kicks Kowalski, crashing into the other penguins.]'' :'''Kowalski''': ''[woozy]'' Perhaps direct from the factory? <hr width=50%> :'''Skipper''': What in the name of incense and peppermints?! ''[opens the bead curtains, sees Rico, and is horrified]'' No... NO... '''''NOOOOOOOO!!!''''' :'''Private''': What is it, Skipper?! :'''Kowalski''': ''[gasps in horror]'' :'''Skipper''': He's gone... HIPPIE. ''[Rico is shown dressed in hippie attire and playing the bongos next to Ms. Perky]'' === Episode 28: Hot Ice === :''[Skipper is discussing the value of the diamond necklace.]'' :'''Skipper''': Yes, the kind of riches that turns men into animals and animals into… Kowalski what’s more savage than animals? :'''Kowalski''': Hmmm… malfunctioning garbage disposals? :'''Skipper''': C’mon, you’re not even trying. === Episode 32: Whispers and Coups === :'''Kowalski''': This red line shows the frustration level of a really smart person forced to take orders from some dunderbrained boob. As you can see, the frustration just keeps rising, and rising, and rising. I mean, why don't they put the smart guy in charge, huh?! IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! '''SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE, PEOPLE!!! AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING THIS?!''' === Episode 33: The All Nighter Before Christmas === :'''King Julien''': What happened to the freedom of changing? What happened to the rights of the peoples? I thought this was France! :'''Maurice''': America. :'''King Julien''': No, really. I seriously thought this was France. I've been looking for some decent crepes for, like, three months. <hr width=50%> :'''Skipper''': Curse you, internet! 28,000 cat videos, zero useful information. <hr width=50%> :'''Private''': Isn't it a bit fishy that Santa's just strolling about on Christmas Eve, with no '''reindeer''', or '''sleigh''', and he's using an '''ELEVATOR?!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Skipper''': ''[seeing a room full of Santas]'' Oh, sugar plums! <hr width=50%> :'''Marlene''': Whoa, whoa, okay, first, ''we're'' the decorations committee. Second, uh, Dickens? Did you get a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Been-There-Done-That? :'''Mason''': No, no, no. ''We'' are the decorations committee. And at least ''our'' ideas didn't come from the pages of Winter Hooligan Monthly. :'''Rico''': ''[reading a Winter Hooligan Monthly magazine]'' Hey! How did he know that?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Marlene''': ''[about to fight Kowalski and Mason]'' This otter's about to join the naughty list. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mort''': ''[after chopping down the city's Christmas tree]'' I'm a lumberjack! Arr, matey! <hr width=50%/> :''[During the snowball fight.]'' :'''Kowalski''': ''[mourning a destroyed Tiny Tim decoration]'' They got... Tiny Tim. :'''Mason''': You may strike our decorations, but you shall never conquer the spirit of Charles Dickens! :'''Kowalski''': And his razor-brimmed top hat! ''[tosses his top hat]'' H'yah! :''[The top hat lands on a snowman's head.]'' :'''Mason''': Actually, I don't believe Dickens had a razor-brimmed hat. :'''Kowalski''': Learn your history, chimp. <hr width=50%> :'''Skipper''': ''[after ruining Christmas for the younger animals]'' What have I done? :''[The real Santa appears.]'' :'''Santa''': Well, for starters, you roughed up a dozen of my deputies and helped wreck the world's most famous Christmas tree. And I thought ''I'' had a busy night. === Episode 34: Love Hurts === :''[Willing to see Shauna, Private veers to the right and blatantly avoids the Deli and descends to the right ground.]'' :'''Skipper''': Uh? Kowalski, what’s on the right side of the Deli? :'''Kowalski''': I believe that would be Gunnerson’s Home of Rusty Bear Traps. :'''Rico''': ''[facepalms]'' Oh boy... :''[Private falls there and shouts in pain as the sound of bear traps snapping is heard.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': "Accident-prone", Private? Oh, I've seen accident-prone. Try Manfredi and Johnson, with a Chinese lantern, and '''''six bottles of rocket fuel!!!''''' :'''Kowalski''': Worst talent show ever. === Episode 35: The Officer X Factor === :''[The penguins have rigged a pretzel cart to fly in the air to escape Officer X.]'' :'''Skipper''': And at 400 feet and climbing, I don't think there's much chance of running into him. We're home free. ''[high-fives Rico and Kowalski]'' :'''Private''': I guess you're right, Skipper. You know, unless Officer X did something like hide inside the pretzel cart before we took off. Well, you have to admit it's kind of strange. We ran all over the zoo, carrying supplies, and didn't see Officer X. Not even once. I'm just saying it's possible that Officer X could have anticipated our plan and might have hidden in the cart's pretzel compartment before we took off. :''[The penguins look at Private, then laugh at his idea.]'' :'''Skipper''': That has to be just the most ridiculous... :'''Kowalski''': You can't possibly imagine the stasticical improbabilty that... Well... :'''Skipper''': ''[becoming scared]'' That Officer X - ''the'' Officer X - is hiding... down there. :'''Kowalski''': ''[also becoming scared]'' Just... inches... below our... very feet. :'''Skipper''': Well, the very idea... I mean, it's... it's just that it's so... :'''Kowalski''': It's so... So, so-so, so, so... :'''Skipper''': ''[panics]'' '''''SO TOTALLY OBVIOUS!!! BATTLE STATIONS!!!''''' ''[the penguins make battle stances outside the pretzel compartment door]'' On three... One... Two... I can't do it! I mean, what if he's really in there? What if he leaps out with one of those witty one-liners? Probably something about pretzels. :'''Kowalski''': Something like, "I'll bet you never expected this twist." :'''Skipper''': Exactly! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Julien''': Mort, did you just have the audacity to kick your stinking foot into the sacred temple of my royal buttocks? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kowalski''': Of course! It's the salt. The sodium granules released from the pretzel cart into the convective cloud layer must have sparked a freezing nucleation reaction and BOOM! Instant rain. === Episode 36: Brain Drain === :'''Kowalski''': I like peanuts, and I like butter, but I do not like peanut butter... ''[breaks the fourth wall with a creepy grin of idiocy]'' WEIRD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': So we’re stuck with the stupid Kowalski, well maybe it’s a good thing. I mean we were all getting tired of his big high, fleeting words like recalcitrant, right? I mean, what is that? ''Recalcitrant.'' Do I like recalcitrant to you? :'''Rico''': Uh huh. :'''Kowalski''': Oh YEAH! Up high! === Episode 37: Right Hand Man === :'''King Julien''': And you had better let the king tell you how he is going to '''''DECIDE HIS IMPORTANT KINGLY DECISION, OKAY?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': ''[seeing the Hoboken Zoo tag]'' Some poor sap has a one-way ticket to North Jersey oblivion. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': I've rotted away in gulags, work camps, penal colonies in every dirty, flea-bitten corner of creation. But I promised myself that I would '''''NEVER END UP IN HOBOKEN!!! AT LEAST NOT ALIVE!!! I WILL PLUCK OUT MY OWN EYEBALLS!!! I SWEAR TO YOU!!!''''' === Episode 44: Cute-Astrophe === :'''Julien''': ''[once noticing the humans are unconscious by Private's Quantum Hyper Cute]'' Tell me, who among you is the Dark Wizard? :''[The penguins step aside to show Private]'' :'''Rico''': That guy. :'''Private''': I was just trying this new little thing I could do! You know, kind of a little... ''[uses the Quantum Hyper Cute as the other Penguins look away]'' Boosh. :'''Julien''': ''[lovingly]'' OH, LOOK AT HOW CUTE-- TOO CUTE! TOO CUTE!! === Episode 46: All Tied Up With a Boa === :'''Skipper''': Boys! Butter me up. :'''Kowalski''': Your leadership is impeccable and your musk is an ''intoxicating'' blend of danger and… ugh.” ''[Skipper slaps him]'' Right. ''[sees the tray of butter and realizes what Skipper was referring to.]'' === Episode 48: Herring Impaired === :'''Private''': ''[he suddenly goes crazy]'' Sardines? '''FISH!''' ''[he runs towards Rico, who kicks him away and glares angrily]'' :''[Private smacks into the wall and is held back by Skipper and Kowalski before he can get away]'' :'''Kowalski''': Private! :'''Skipper''': Private! Explain yourself, soldier! :'''Private''': '''FISH!''' ''[laughs crazily]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[creeped out]'' Kowalski, analysis! :''[Kowalski measures Private's head and puts a magnifying glass next to Private's right eye]'' :'''Kowalski''': Crazy eyes...''[ puts a popsicle stick on Private's tongue. Private waves his flippers up and down]'' Babbling tongue... :''[Private bites Kowalski's flipper, frees himself of their grip and runs to Rico, who pushes Private over]'' :'''Private''': '''FISH!''' :'''Kowalski''': Egad! I believe our Norwegian herring was a bit too aged. :'''Skipper''': Never ever blame the fish, Kowalski! :'''Kowalski''': But don't you see? ''[pulls out a clipboard & pencil]'' Private's contracted Bacterial, Pisces Dementia! A rare brain disease that's turning him into a '''fish-craving psychopath!''' :'''Rico''': Hey! That's ''my'' thing! :'''Skipper''': Yeah, we don't need two of those. Can he be cured? :'''Kowalski''': It should wear off in 24 hours just as long as he doesn't feed the disease. ''[pulls up a chart with a fish on it]'' That means no fish of any kind. If Private ingests so much as a single sardine, he'll be like this forever. :'''Private''': ''[he launches at the chart]'' '''FISH!''' :''[Rico, slyly, puts the sardines in front of Private's face and pulls it away, when he tries to get it, Kowalski and Skipper hold him back and Private yells, "'''FISH!'''" Rico does it again and again and again]'' :'''Skipper''': Stop that! :'''Kowalski''': Well, on the bright side, maybe this will teach Private not to overindulge in so much brined herring. ''[chuckles]'' :'''Skipper''': Wait, didn't you eat as much as he did? ''[Kowalski's right eye moves away then back to normal before showing he's been affected by the disease.]'' :'''Kowalski''': Why, yes I...dooby-dooby-did! '''FISH!!''' ''[he lunges at Rico, but he pushes him away. Skipper keeps the two penguins away from the fish, slapping them repeatedly.]'' :'''Skipper''': Looks like we're on psycho patrol, amigo. No fish for these two for the next 24 hours. :'''Rico''': ''[suspicious]'' Uhh, what about you? :'''Skipper''': ''[confidently; still slapping]'' Luckily, my iron-clad constitution has made me immune to this Pisces Dementia. :'''Rico''': Oh. ''[looks at him]'' :'''Skipper''': Seriously. ''[Rico stares at him again]'' No effect. ''[Rico gives one serious look]'' Iron-clad constitution. :''[Rico smiles, thinking that it should be all right. Unfortunately, Rico panics as he stops hearing Skipper slapping Private and Kowalski. He stares at Skipper, seeing that he was affected by the disease like Private and Kowalski.]'' :'''Skipper''': '''FIIIISH!''' :'''Rico''': AHHH! ''[Rico quickly eats the sardines and is chased around the HQ by the three fish-craving penguins. He blocks the door.]'' :'''Rico''': Uh-uh-uh! No fish! :'''Alice''': ''[from outside]'' Feeding time! :'''The fish craving penguins''': ''[pause for a while before charging up the ladder]'' '''FIIIISH!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Maurice''': Since when did we get ''four'' Ricos? :''[Alice continues to throw the fish and Rico eats it.]'' :'''Alice''': Hey! Baron von Greedenstein! Save some for the rest of the flock! ''[She uses a long pole to hold him back.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Alice''': ''[sarcastically]'' Great. All full then? ''[the three penguins are still wanting fish] Whatever, freaks. ''[leaves]'' :'''Rico''': Uh-uh! No fish! :'''Delivery Truck Driver''': Yo, zookeeper lady. Where do you want this truckload of fresh cod fillets? :'''Rico''': Aw, no!! :'''The fish craving penguins''': '''FISH!!!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Rico''': ''[tired]'' No... fish... :'''Factory Worker''': Alright people! That tuna ain't gonna can itself! :''[A siren sounds and the camera shows a conveyor belt full of fish starting up.]'' :'''Rico''': ''[rubs his eyes in shock]'' Are you kidding me?! ''[The craving penguins try to get past Rico, who holds them back.]'' :'''The fish craving penguins''': '''FISH! FISH! GIMME!! GIMME!!! GIMME!''' :'''Rico''': NO! ''[As he continues to fight the penguins, Rico then sees a giant, fake fish on top of a building across the street and points to it, getting an idea.]'' :'''Rico''': ''[opera voice]'' '''♪FEEEESH!!!♪''' :''[The other penguins look at what Rico's pointing to.]'' :'''The fish craving penguins''': '''WOOHEE!!! FISH..!!!!!!''' :'''Rico''': Hahaha! Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go ahead! Suckers! ===Episode 51: The Return of the Revenge of Dr. Blowhole=== :''[Skipper and Alex are dodging Dr. Blowhole's missiles.]'' :'''Alex''': Way to stick the landing! You were born to dance! :'''Skipper''': ''[shocked]'' You mean like a pretty little ballerina? :'''Alex''': You know, you are suprisingly light on those little webbed toes. Not ''unlike'' a pretty little ballerina. :''[Zoom in on Skipper's horrified face.]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[anguished]'' '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!''' :''[Skipper falls to his knees as Alex jumps out of the way, letting a missile fly overhead Skipper, blowing up a rock behind him. In Dr. Blowhole's lair, a monitor reads "IMPACT".]'' :'''Dr. Blowhole''': Wait! Rewind a little! :''[The lobster rewinds the audio.]'' :'''Skipper's voice''': ''[on monitor]'' Hans! :'''Dr. Blowhole''': Too far back, fast forward. :''[The lobster forwards the audio.]'' :'''Dr. Blowhole's voice''': ''[on monitor]'' Wait! Rewind a little! :'''Dr. Blowhole''': Too forward! :''[The lobster rewinds the audio again.]'' :'''Skipper's voice''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!''' :'''Dr. Blowhole''': No, no, that's it! Freeze it! :'''Lobster''': You want me to freeze ''sound'', Doc? :'''Dr. Blowhole''': That is ''definitely'' the scream of an arch-enemy who has met his doom. ''[snickers evilly]'' :'''Lobster''': I mean, I can freeze picture, but sound exists in a continuum. :'''Dr. Blowhole''': I get it. Whatever. :'''Lobster''': It's just that you ask me to do the impossible, and not the first time, I might add. :'''Dr. Blowhole''': ''[threateningly]'' You know that big pot of water in the back, that I keep at a steady, slow boil, next to the movie butter? :'''Lobster''': ''[scared]'' Sound is frozen. === Episode 55: When the Chips are Down === :'''Private''': OK, Mort, we have enough food for several days. I'm sure Skipper will find us soon, right? :'''Mort''': ''[sniffing his finger]'' Mmm! My finger smells funny! ''[giggles]'' You wanna smell it? :'''Private''': No, I'd rather conserve energy and sleep; you should do the same ''[starts sleeping]'' :'''Mort''': Nighty-night. ''[stares his head left and right]'' :''[After a time transition, Mort was revealed to eat all the food in the machine and lets out a really loud and long burp, waking Private up]'' :'''Mort''': BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRP!!!!!!!! :'''Private''': Oh, what was that? :'''Mort''': ''[lying on the machine, fattened up rubbing his big full Tummy]'' Ooh! My tummy don't feel so good. :'''Private''': What happened? Where's the food? :'''Mort''': Well, I got hungry. :'''Private''': ''[a bit angry]'' So you ate everything?! Even the Cheezy Bits?! :'''Mort''': They're not so bad after the fifth bag. :'''Private''': ''[begins screaming in pain]'' Do you realize what you've done, Mort? We needed that food! It's doom to us both! :'''Mort''': ''[sits down]'' Doom?! :'''Private''': Yes, doom, doom, doom, because you're dumb, dumb, dumb! ''[Mort begins crying]'' Don't you dare crying!; Because only worse than being trapped with you the rest of my life is being trapped for the rest of my life with you crying! :''[Later at The Zoo]'' :'''Private''': See, Mort? It was good that you ate the food! :'''Mort''': But you told me not too. :'''Private''': I Know Mort! But it was good that you did anyway because it saved us! Don't you understand? :''[Mort puts his paws on his Tummy as his Tummy Gurgles very loudly and he let's out a very loud and big Fart.]'' :'''Mort''': I have to go potty! === Episode 61: Arch-Enemy === :'''Skipper''': One mistake little friend, we are like the three musketeers, except there are four of us and we’re birds and in no way French, but the same team mentality applies. :'''Dale''': Couldn't care less. === Episode 66: The Trouble with Jiggles === :'''Kowalski''': '''NOOOOOOO...!!!''' They're eating my babies... '''BARBARIANS!!!''' == Season 3 == === Episode 11: Antics on Ice === :'''Skipper''': Those dashed hopes would plant a dark seed of bitterness in Private's pure heart. And that baby seed will grow into a tree of hate, with leaves of cynicsm, jaded roots, and bitter hipster berries! :'''Private''': ''[as a hipster in the vision]'' I wear glasses even though I don't need them, 'cause I'm ironic. === Episode 16: High Moltage === :''[Private tries to use his Quantum Hyper Cute, only for his feathers to fall out as he does.]'' :'''Kowalski''': Of course, the itchy feathers. He's... ''[gasps]'' molting! :'''Rico''': ''[disgusted]'' Ew! :'''Skipper''': To the bunker! And cover the Private's shame. <hr width=50%/> :''[After Skipper, Kowalski and Rico scrub off the marker off of Private in a failed attempt to reverse his molting; Skipper, Kowalski and Rico look at Private in shock.]'' :'''Private''': ''[confused]'' What? Did you miss a spot? :'''Kowalski''': No, we were very... thorough. ''[gags]'' :''[Upon finding out that he's completely naked, Private screams in horror, scaring away some birds as he does.]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Alice''': ''[weary]'' Wow. That was nasty. :''[In response, the zoo visitors instead recoil from Private's Anti Cute Attack.]'' :'''Private''': I failed. === Episode 20: Siege the Day === :'''Skipper''': If I'm not watching total vehicular mayhem in the next five minutes... '''MY HEAD'LL EXPLODE!!!''' === Episode 22: Private and the Winky Factory === :'''Skipper''': Where's Rico? :'''Private''': It's alright. I let him grab some of those sugar-coated marshmellow kitten treats instead. :'''Kowalski''': Oh, that's... ''[screams]'' :'''Skipper''': '''WHAT?!''' '''''YOU LET RICO HAVE MARSH MEOW-MEOWS?!''''' :'''Private''': So, that's not what you'd do then? === Episode 33: Night of the Vesuviuses === :'''Skipper''': ''[last lines]'' Even problem, not our jurisdiction. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Madagascar}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Penguins of Madagascar, The}} [[Category:2000s American animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2000s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:2010s Nickelodeon original series]] [[Category:American animated TV spin-offs]] [[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[sco:The Penguins of Madagascar]] [[dv:The Penguins of Madagascar]] [[sq:The Penguins of Madagascar]] [[azb:The Penguins of Madagascar]] [[Category:Madagascar]] [[Category:Television programs based on films]] [[Category:Nicktoons]] [[Category:TV shows about penguins]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Nickelodeon shows]] [[Category:TV shows set in New York City]] cpdkrfwxf7ketkai3l5w3y0qqa5fn7a 0 106752 3944449 3932433 2026-05-23T12:04:04Z ~2026-29225-21 3322097 /* Panini for President / Chowder's Babysitter [2.2] */ Season 2 3944449 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Chowder (TV series)|Chowder]]''''' is an American animated television series created by C. H. Greenblatt for Cartoon Network. The series follows an aspiring young chef apprentice named Chowder and his day-to-day adventures in Chef Mung Daal's catering company. ==Theme Song== :'''Mung Daal''': ''♫ You take the moon and you take the sun, ♫'' :'''Chowder''': ''♫ You take everything that seems like fun. ♫'' :'''Truffles''': ''♫ You stir it all up and when you're done, ♫'' :'''Shnitzel''': ''♫ Radda radda radda radda radda radda. (translation: You share a big piece with everyone.) ♫'' :'''Chorus''': ''♫ So come on in, feel free to do some looking / Stay a while, 'cause something's always cooking / Come on in, feel free to do some looking / Stay a while, 'cause something's always cooking ♫'' Yeah! :''[Applause]'' ==Season 1== ===The Froggy Apple Crumble Thumpkin / Chowder's Girlfriend (1.1)=== :'''Mung''': Oh, my golly, what the heck is that? :''[The creature roars, causing all scream in terror; then the creature leaps onto Schnitzel's face, causing him to scream in pain]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After a stink sac explodes on Shnitzel]'' :'''Mung Daal''': Oh, Shnitzel! What did you eat, man?! <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Endive''': Playing with our food again, Mr. Daal? :'''Mung''': ''[narrows eyes; darkly]'' Endive! <hr width=50%> :'''Gazpacho''': How long have you two lovebirds been going steady? :'''Panini''': I'm Chowder's girlfriend! And Chowder's my boyfriend! And we're totally gonna be there forever and ever! And now, we're holding hands! :''[Chowder does a spit-take. He continues doing a spit-take on his way back to the catering company. He continues doing a spit-take back at the catering company. He continues doing a spit-take while reading a book, mopping the floor, eating dinner, brushing his teeth, and being in bed. The next morning, even while the moon and the sun did the same spit-take, Chowder stops using a spit-take]'' :'''Chowder''': ''[to Kimchi]'' I don't wanna be a boyfriend! Boyfriends have to do all kinds of weird stuff; like write poetry and hold hands and hold hands, and be together forever! Forever's a long time! <hr width=50%> :'''Panini''': Oh, hi, Chowder. :'''Chowder''': I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND! Hey, are those cookies? :'''Panini''': I made them for you. :'''Chowder''': ''[eats a cookie]'' Thanks. :'''Panini''': No problem. That's what girlfriends do. :'''Chowder''': ''[upon leaving Miss Endive's]'' Girlfriends, huh? ''[realizes]'' Aw, man! ===Burple Nurples / Shnitzel Makes a Deposit (1.2)=== :'''Chowder''': ''[tearing up]'' W-W-W-Why won't you trust me as a chef, Mung?! ''[the bell dings]'' Nurples are done! <hr width=50%> :'''Mung''': Woman, I need all the cash we got right now! Don't ask questions! :'''Truffles''': I have ONE... :'''Mung''': Yes, it's Chowder-related. :'''Truffles''': ''[hands Mung some money]'' Fine. :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[approaches Chowder's food stand while walking by; first lines]'' What is this? A childish child-sized food stand? :'''Chowder''': Oh, hey, Gorgonzola. I'm selling Burple Nurples that I made myself, like a real chef. :'''Gorgonzola''': What? You think you're better than me? :'''Chowder''': Listen, I have a lot of customers waiting. ''[zoom out, showing the streets completely deserted]'' :'''Gorgonzola''': Let them wait. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Mung''': ''[in a Scottish accent; stopping Gorgonzola from being poisoned]'' Don't eat that nurple! :'''Gorgonzola''': Why, old man? :'''Mung''': Because...Because, it is calling out to me. I need that exact nurple. :'''Gorgonzola''': Uhhh... :'''Mung''': Here, here, I'll give you 10 dollops. :'''Gorgonzola''': 100 dollops! :'''Mung''': What is it with you kids? I'll give 20. :'''Gorgonzola''': 200 dollops! :'''Mung''': 50. :'''Gorgonzola''': 300 dollops. :'''Mung''': Oh, my golly! 75. :'''Gorgonzola''': 350! :'''Mung''': 80! :'''Gorgonzola''': 360! :'''Mung''': 85! :'''Chowder''': 800,000! :'''Mung''': ''[to Chowder in his normal voice]'' Stay out of this! ''[back to his Scottish accent]'' 85! :'''Gorgonzola''': 400 dollops. :'''Mung''': 4 hun?! Okay, fine! 400 dollops! Now, give me that nurple! ''[leaves]'' :'''Gorgonzola''': I think I might need another nurple. Here's 5 dollops. :'''Mung''': 10 dollops. :'''Gorgonzola''': 600 dollops! :'''Mung''': Oh, I am so tempted to let you eat that nurple! :''[Gorgonzola is sitting on a sack of money with Mung holding all the burple nurples]'' :'''Chowder''': Thank you, come again! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Chowder''': I've never been to the bank. Do they have snacks there? <hr width="50%" /> :''[Chowder and Shnitzel arrive at the Marzipan City Bank]'' :'''Chowder''': ''[seeing the interior as they enter]'' Whoa! It smells like floor wax in here. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[to Chowder; sternly]'' Radda radda radda. (translation: "Don't touch anything.") :'''Chowder''': Okay, okay. I won't touch anything. ''[floats with his feet not touching the floor]'' :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda? :'''Chowder''': Well, I can't follow you, 'cause then I'd be touching the floor, and you said- :'''Shnitzel''': Radda, radda radda radda. :'''Chowder''': So I ''can'' touch the floor? You need to make up your mind. ===Grubble Gum / The Cinnamini Monster (1.3)=== :'''Mung Daal''': ''[seeing Chowder covered with gum]'' Good gravy, what's gotten into you and ONTO you? :'''Chowder''': I swallowed a whole bunch of grubble gum! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[alarmed]'' Oh, sweet peas. Please tell me you shared with Truffles! :'''Chowder''': ''[remorseful]'' No. :'''Mung Daal''': ''[freaking out]'' Why?! Why didn't you share?! :'''Chowder''': I ate it all by accident! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[trying to calm down]'' Chowder, I may be an old man but I don't want to die today! We gotta get rid of this gum before Truffles sees it! :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda radda? :'''Mung Daal''': No, we can't chuck him in the furnace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truffles''': ''[annoyed at Chowder]'' This is what happens when you don't share. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': ''[shocked as Chowder got shrunk]'' Sweet grapes of wrath! Chowder! :'''Chowder''': Hey, Mung Daal, I can see up your nose! You got boogers! ''[inside the Cinnamini Tree is a Cinnamini Monster who lives in it; screams in terror as the Cinnamini Monster grabs him and takes him inside the tree]'' :'''Mung Daal''': Chowder?! A Cinnamini Monster? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': Help! Mung Daal, I'm inside the tree! :''[The Cinnamini Monster closes the window blinds, showing a logo of a heart]'' ===The Wrong Address / The Wrong Customer (1.5)=== :'''Mung Daal''': ''[getting pepper sprayed; screams painfully]'' PEPPER SPRAY!! :'''Chowder''': Pepper spray? That sounds delicious! ''[also gets pepper sprayed; painfully]'' AAH! I was wrong! I was horribly wrong! :'''Rump Roast''': Serves you both right. ''[also gets pepper sprayed; painfully]'' AAH! AAH! Ow! What did you do that, lady?! <hr width=50%> :'''Mung Daal''': ''[shocked in horror by his kitchen being destroyed after he and Chowder return]'' My kitchen! My beautiful kitchen, what happened?! :'''Truffles''': ''[as Officers Po-Boy and Cheesesteak grab both her arms]'' WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!!! ''[gets thrown into the police van]'' :'''Mung Daal''': Chowder, what does your gut say about this? :'''Chowder''': My gut says that Shnitzel has a lot of cleaning up to do. :'''Mung Daal''': He sure does. Wanna go eat some cake? :'''Chowder''': Yes, please! <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Sambal''': ''[petting Truffles' head, mistaking her for a kitty]'' Nice kitty. :'''Truffles''': Hey, what is this thing? :'''Shnitzel''': Pfft. Radda radda. :'''Truffles''': Oh, the customer. Wait, do you realize what this means? :'''Shnitzel''': Radda? :'''Truffles''': The customer came to pick up his own order. ''[facepalms herself]'' Ugh, and my idiot husband just left to deliver it! ''[cut to Mr. Sambal taking a shower at the lobby fountain]'' Who knows how long until he gets back? You keep an eye on him until Dummy McDumbalot comes home. :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda radda. :'''Truffles''': Cleaning or no cleaning, you will watch him, or I'll rip your- ''[sees Mr. Sambal walking by]'' Oh, hello. Don't worry. Shnitzel here will take care of you until your order is ready. That's what we pay him for. :'''Mr. Sambal''': Ah, towels. ''[strips off Shnitzel's apron, leaving him in his underwear]'' :'''Truffles''': Okay, that's disgusting. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[goes back into the kitchen; sighs]'' Radda. <hr width=50%> :'''Truffles''': What are you doing? This place is still a pigsty. And where's the customer?! :'''Shnitzel''': Radda. :'''Truffles''': The oven? You put the customer in the oven? What, are you crazy?! :'''Shnitzel''': Radda. Radda radda radda radda. :'''Truffles''': He put himself in the oven? The little old man walked in the oven by himself? :'''Shnitzel''': Radda! :'''Truffles''': Would you please hand me that pot over there? ''[Shnitzel hands her the frying pan and bashes him on the head; angrily]'' I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO BAKE A CUSTOMER! ''[flies off]'' I'M PAYING YOU TO CLEAN! :'''Shnitzel''': ''[annoyingly mimicking Truffles]'' "Radda radda radda, radda radda radda." <hr width=50%> :'''Shnitzel''': ''[noticing the Marzipan Police outside]'' Radda? Radda. Radda radda radda radda! :'''Officer Sloppy Joe''': Hey, look, a civilian! :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': ''[gasps; takes out a megaphone]'' We've got a hostage situation! Everybody stay calm! :'''Officer Loose Meat''': A hostage situation?! ''[faints]'' :'''Shnitzel''': Radda? :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': Don't let his size fool you. Your captor is extremely dangerous. :'''Officer''': And crafty. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': And crafty. :'''Officer''': And vicious. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': And vicious. :'''Officer Monte Cristo''': And dangerous. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': I said, "And dangerous." :'''Officer Monte Cristo''': I'm just trying to help! Don't yell at me! :'''Officer Loose Meat''': Technically, you said, "extremely dangerous." :'''Officer Grinder''': Sarge, Sarge, say he's stinky. :'''Officer PB&J''': And a meanie. :'''Officer Snow Leopard''': And a bad boy. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': Really? :'''Officer Snow Leopard''': Yeah. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': Wow. ''[to Shnitzel; through megaphone]'' Well, he's all that stuff. We've been trying to stop his trail of destruction for years. ''[next scene shows the city buildings crashing down and the citizens screaming]'' Don't worry. One of us will save you, in just a minute. :''[The officers walk around in a circle with chairs in the middle]'' :'''Officer Sloppy Joe''': ''[humming and clap rhythming "Pop Goes the Weasel"]'' And stop! :''[The officers sit in chairs leaving the sarge standing]'' :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': No, no, no, do it again. <hr width=50%> :'''Shnitzel''': Radda. :'''Truffles''': I don't know where the customer went. :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda radda radda! :'''Truffles''': Huh, in danger? YOU are the only danger here. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[grabs Truffles' hand]'' Radda radda radda. :'''Truffles''': Let go of me! I'm not leaving. :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda. :'''Truffles''': No! No more cockamamie stories! You just want to leave work 'cause you're lazy. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[shocked]'' Radda? :'''Truffles''': You heard me. La-a-a-a-a-zy! :'''Shnitzel''': ''[offended]'' Ah, ah! Radda radda radda radda radda! :'''Truffles''': RADDA RADDA RADDA! Radda. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Puppet Chowder''': I just had a dream that you were a great big, delicious sandwich, but you didn't have any cheese on you. Why didn't you have any cheese, Mung? :'''Puppet Mung Daal''': That's a question for another time, my boy. :'''Puppet Chowder''': Shnitzel was in my dream, too, except he was a big cup of cloffee with cream and sugar. :'''Puppet Mung Daal''': Well, that makes sense. :'''Puppet Chowder''': And then I realized, I become a big carrot! :'''Puppet Mung Daal''': What happened next? :'''Puppet Chowder''': ''[as a big carrot]'' I don't know, you tell me. :'''Puppet Mung Daal''': ''[wakes up, startled]'' Oh, what? What? Huh? :'''Puppet Chowder''': You were sleeping, Mung. Sheesh. :'''Puppet Mung Daal''': You don't know what you're missin'... :'''Puppet Chowder''': If you aren't in the kitchen. ===Mahjongg Night / Stinky Love (1.6)=== :'''Truffles''': ''[hits Chowder on the head with a frying pan]'' HANDS OFF! The ladies will be here any minute to play Mahjongg. :'''Chowder''': But I didn't get to taste yet. :'''Truffles''': Ah, ah, ah. These foods are for the ladies only. Are you a lady? :'''Chowder''': If I say "yes," can I have one? :'''Truffles''': ''[hits Chowder on the head with the frying pan again]'' You already had dinner! I need both of you out of the kitchen, NOW! ''[the door opens and the ladies enter]'' Oh, the ladies! :'''Empanada''': Oh, so adorable! I could just eat you up! ''[Chowder blushes, but is moved out of the way]'' Out of the way, Chowder! I've been waiting ''all'' week for these meviled eggs! ''[scarfs the eggs]'' :'''Kasha''': Save some for the rest of us, Empanada. :'''Chutney''': You eat it all again, and I'm gonna kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truffles''': Hey! ''[turns to the back]'' I thought I heard something. :''[Chowder snores as he pretends to be asleep]'' :'''Kasha''': Don't get too distracted, Truffles. I want you to see when I BEAT you this hand. :'''Truffles''': Oh, you will ''[turns back]'' NOT beat me! The only beating you will see is your own! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': Rats. I guess those ''weren't'' meviled eggs, huh? Hey, I bet if I go down and apologize, Truffles will reward me for being so professional. :'''Kiwi''': Now that's some good thinking, Chowder. :'''Chowder''': ''[unknowingly notices his doorway blocked up by Truffles]'' Weird. Someone accidentally blocked up my door. Hmm. :'''Citizen''': ''[from below]'' Hey, kid! What the heck are you doing up there? :'''Chowder''': I'm going to apologize so Truffles will give me meviled eggs! :'''Citizen''': Oh. Well, good luck with that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': Hey, Truffles, I'm sorry about earlier. So can I have an egg now? ''[the strong wind blows the colors off Truffles' body, leaving only the outlines]'' Uh-oh. ''[runs up back to his room again, screaming as Truffles flies after him; later, he's chained up to his bed]'' I guess I should go to sleep now, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': Finally! ''[stuffs a meviled egg in his mouth and ends up spitting it out]'' That's disgusting! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shnitzel''': ''[disgusted as Kimchi hangs with him]'' Ughhh! Radda radda radda. :'''Chowder''': Aw, Shnitzel, that's just Kimchi's way of saying he likes you. Wanna see Kimchi's way of saying he needs to go to the bathroom? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': ''[after Chowder sniffs the glumberger cheese]'' Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between good cheese and bad feet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': Chowder, is the cobbler okay? :'''Chowder''': Yes, but I'm leaving it with Kimchi. :'''Mung Daal''': What?! :'''Chowder''': I think they're in love! :'''Mung Daal''': Chowder, I understand being in love with a cobbler more than anyone, but we’ve got a customer who expects the dish to be ''love-free''! :'''Chowder''': But the dish makes him happy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': Well, Kimchi, being a ladies' man myself, I have to say; it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. :'''Chowder''': What does that mean? :'''Mung Daal''': It means love stinks. ===Gazpacho Stands Up / A Taste of Marzapan (1.8)=== :''[Chowder writes on the screen only for Gazpacho to notice]'' :'''Gazpacho''': Hey! Don't write there! :'''Chowder''': Why not? ''[realizes his mistake]'' Oh. ''[he tries scribbling it out]'' There we go. ''[realizing he has only made it worse]'' Oh no! :'''Gazpacho''': Stop! I can fix it! ''[camera zooms too far out]'' Not from there, get closer! ''[camera zooms back in]'' Closer. ''[camera zooms in once again]'' Okay. ''[he sprays on Chowder's handwriting and wipes it off]'' There. :'''Chowder''': ''[points to the 2004-2010 Cartoon Network screen bug]'' What about that one? :'''Gazpacho''': ''[taps on the bug]'' Yeah, that one doesn't come off. I tried. <hr width=50%> :'''Chowder''': ''[devastated]'' LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE! ALL THIS WONDERFUL FOOD GONE TO WASTE! ''[starts sobbing]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mung Daal''': Come on, everyone! Let's get out of here! :'''Miss Endive''': ''[angrily]'' '''MUNG DAAL! YOU'RE A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, CHEF!''' :'''Panini''': Bye, Chowder, :'''Chowder''': ''[angrily]'' '''I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!''' :'''Gazpacho''': ''[still got hit by a fruit]'' Still dying! ''[gasps]'' Mother's gonna kill me for this! Mother's gonna kill me! ===The Puckerberry Overloads / The Elemelons (1.09)=== :'''Truffles''': '''WHAT IS THAT RACKET?!''' ''[A living racket runs off]'' '''AND WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!''' ===At Your Service / Chowder and Mr. Fugu (1.12)=== :''[Chowder, Mung, Panini, and Miss Endive are all racing to Gazpacho's food stand for a rare Mood Fruit]'' :'''Mung Daal''': ''[to Miss Endive]'' Listen up, woman, that Mood Fruit is MINE! :'''Miss Endive''': As usual, nothing but crazy talk from your lips. :'''Mung Daal''': I'll tell you what's crazy… this rump of yours, that's what's crazy! Now will you kindly move it out of my way? :'''Miss Endive''': I'd be happy to oblige, Mr. Daal. ''[shoves Mung aside with her rump]'' Whoops! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[spins around and falls in a hole; calling out to Chowder]'' Chowder, kick it enough high gear! :'''Chowder''': High gear, comin' up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Panini''': Num-nums! Are you… ''[rubs Chowder on the cheek; smitten]'' okay? :'''Chowder''': Please don't touch me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Endive''': You know, ''[puts the Mood Fruit on around her neck]'' I love the way these exotic mood fruits change color according to one's mood. ''[the Mood Fruit colors change to brown, representing her happiness]'' :'''Chowder''': ''[whispering]'' They're due to brown. :'''Mung Daal''': Shh. :'''Panini''': I think they look lovely on you, Miss Endive. :'''Miss Endive''': Yes. Yes, they do. And do you know what would look lovely on these two? Grease! :'''Chowder and Mung''': Grease? :'''Miss Endive''': Grease! :''[Mung and Chowder are in a big bowl scooping up all the grease]'' :'''Mung Daal''': I don't know how that woman thinks we're gonna get all this cold grease cleaned up when she keeps… ''[Endive pours more grease on them]'' POURING MORE ON OUR HEADS! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': This ain't gonna be fun. :'''Miss Endive''': ''[Mood Fruit colors change to red, representing her anger; turns to Mung, viciously]'' '''You!''' You can try your little tricks, you can play your little childish games, but rest assured, '''''I will break you!''''' ''[Mood Fruit colors change again to black, representing her fury; later, she drags Mung and Chowder to a cell door below her kitchen]'' :'''Mung Daal''': Woman, I will NEVER say you're better than me! :'''Chowder''': Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never! :'''Miss Endive''': Panini, unlock the cell. :'''Panini''': Yes, ma'am. ''[unlocks the cell door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': Bacon?! ''[opens his mouth and the mama bird feeds him her barf; grossed out]'' That's NOT bacon! ===The Vacation / The Sleep Eater (1.13)=== :'''Truffles''': ''[yelling]'' '''I SAID WE'RE CLOSED!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': Chowder, nobody ever exploded having to go "number 1." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': We Made it! And the water's perfect. :'''Chowder''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, yeah. :''[Both Mung and Schnitzel realize that Chowder has peed in the ocean and they both swim away screaming as some fishes swim away screaming too]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung''': What did I tell you last night. :'''Chowder''': Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah- :'''Mung''': No! I told you "No midnight snacking." But you snacked anyway. :'''Chowder''': No I didn't. :'''Mung''' Oh yeah? They why is there food on your face. :'''Chowder''': Cause there's ALWAYS food on my face. :'''Mung''': ...True. ===The Bruised Bluenana / Shnitzel and the Lead Farfel (1.14)=== :'''Mung Daal''': What just happened?! :'''Chowder''': ''[pokes Shnitzel's hand]'' You're all squishy. Like a big marshmallow! ''[bites Shnitzel's hand, causing Shnitzel to scream in pain]'' Geh! You do not TASTE like a marshmallow. :'''Shnitzel''': Radda, radda. ''[touches his hand]'' :'''Mung Daal''': Shnitzel, have you gone soft?! :'''Shnitzel''': ''[panicking]'' Radda. Radda radda radda! Ra-raddaradda radda! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lead Farfel''': So, you dare challenge the dreaded Lead Farfel? I will crush you like the worthless worm you are! :'''Mother''': But he's just a baby. :'''Lead Farfel''': Then he will surely fail! :'''Mother''': I just wanted directions to the library, jerk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': Each line represents how far the last person was able to carry the Farfel. :'''Chowder''': ''[spots a line with Shnitzel's name on it]'' Hey, this one says "Shnitzel." :'''Lead Farfel''': ''[wakes up]'' Shnitzel?! Have you come to gloat on victories past? :'''Chowder''': No. Shnitzel's totally weak now. He can't even lift a pickle jar. :''[Shnitzel groans and cries]'' :'''Lead Farfel''': ''[laughs]'' Can't even lift a pickle jar. How does that make you feel, little man? Does it burn you with shame? ''[sniffs]'' Ahhh. I can smell your failure. It's a most delicious aroma. :'''Mung Daal''': Use that shame, Shnitzel! Be its master, poke it in the gut, call it "Grandpa." We'll whip up that mushy body of yours back into shape, and when you can move the farfel, you will once more be strong! :'''Lead Farfel''': Regain your former glory, Shnitzel, or be squashed like a BUG! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lead Farfel''': Final distance - 6 inches... BACKWARDS! ''[laughs]'' Once again, the weak have been crushed, baby! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During credits]'' :'''Puppet Chowder''': Shnitzel, what color is the universe? What if the sky smelled like fish? Who designed our brains? What comes after the letter "Z"? Do you believe in alternate dimensions? Do you believe in ghosts? Do you believe in alternate ghosts? Shnitzel, how much more could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Shnitzel, what makes you cry? :''[Puppet Shnitzel looks at Puppet Chowder for a second, and turns with a tear dripping from his eye]'' ===The Thousand Pound Cake / The Rat Sandwich (1.15)=== :'''Truffles''': Why didn't I just do that in the first place? :'''Mung Daal''': Because I REALLY look good in this dress. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reuben''': I guess now you'll be taking care of me forever. :'''Chowder''': I don't think so. :'''Reuben''': Huh? :'''Mung Daal''': Huh? :'''Chowder''': I used to think a dead rat was just a delicious-sounding treat, but I learned rats are more than that. They're hideous, disease-ridden scavengers. I may not look like you on the outside, 'cause I wear clothes. But on the inside, where it counts, we're exactly the same - starving! :'''Chowder's Tummy''': ''[whimpering]'' Mr. Tummy's gonna die! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits...]'' :'''Puppet Truffles''': Honey, does this dress make me look fat? :'''Puppet Mung Daal''': Ummmmm...Uhhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhhhh...uhhhhh...uhhh...uh...uh...uhhhhh...uhhhh...uhh...uhh...ohhh! Aaaah! Uhhhh...Aaaaah...ohhhhh! :'''Puppet Truffles''': ''[growling in annoyance]'' You're dead to me. ''[flies away]'' ===Shnitzel Quits (1.17)=== :'''Truffles''': Where are you going? I'm not done ignoring you. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[fed up; having enough]'' Radda radda. Radda! (I QUIT!) ''[rips off his apron, revealing a backup apron, and storms out of catering company through the door with a Shnitzel-shaped hole]'' :'''Truffles''': Quit? You can't quit. Who's gonna hire a bum like you?! :''[Shnitzel walks down the streets of Marzipan City and away from the catering company]'' :'''Dog Citizen''': Hey, that uh, that thing on your beak. :'''Bird Citizen''': My snood? :'''Dog Citizen''': Yeah, your snood. Seriously, dude, I can't even look at that thing. You gotta think about getting it removed. :'''Bird Citizen''': My wife likes my snood. :'''Dog Citizen''': You're a lucky, lucky man. ''[Shnitzel walks past between them]'' Man, that guy looks like he just quit a job he never thought he'd have to quit. :'''Bird Citizen''': Bummer. :'''Dog Citizen''': ''[looks at the snood again; disgusted]'' Okay, seriously, I'm gonna puke if I gotta keep lookin' at that thing. :''[Shnitzel shows up at Endive's house and rings the doorbell]'' :'''Miss Endive''': ''[off-screen]'' Be right there! ''[answers the door]'' What do you want? :'''Shnitzel''': ''[holds up a want ad]'' Radda radda. (I would like a job). :'''Miss Endive''': You're here about the job? ''[flees back inside and back to the door, wrapped in towels]'' Oh, I'm sorry. I just stepped out of the shower. So, you've come to your senses and want to work a ''real'' chef, huh? :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda. :'''Miss Endive''': Well, let me see if you're right for the position. <hr width=50%/> :'''Chowder''': He may have been bigger and stronger, but he was crazier! ''[starts crying]'' I MISS SHNITZEL! WHY?! :'''Mung Daal''': Chowder, please! Come on now! If you start crying, ''I'll'' start crying. ''[starts crying as well]'' I miss him, too! ''[cries, then stops; determined]'' One way or another, we're gonna get our crazy rock monster back! :''[End of Act 1]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Mung Daal''': You can thank us for saving you when we get home, Shnitzel. :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda! Radda radda radda! Radda radda radda! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[confused; heartbroken]'' You LIKE working for Endive?! :'''Miss Endive''': ''[eating a bucket of popcorn; giggles]'' In your scrawny face! :'''Mung Daal''': How could she appreciate you more than we do? :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda! (Because she gave me a raise!) :'''Mung Daal''': ''[shocked]'' She gave you a raise? :'''Shnitzel''': Radda. (Yes.) <hr width=50%/> :'''Shnitzel''': ''[going back inside in refusing to return to the catering company]'' Radda radda. Radda radda radda! :'''Miss Endive''': ''[laughs; to Mung]'' Maybe someday you'll learn how to treat a man right. :'''Mung Daal''': I know how to treat a man! ''[voice breaking]'' Just not a rock monster man. ''[cries]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda, radda radda radda. :'''Miss Endive''': ''[heartbroken; confused]'' What? What do you mean this is just a job? I thought what we had was real. You-you came back for me, because you love me right? Right?! :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda. ''[holds up a picture of him and a female rock]'' :'''Miss Endive''': ''[lividly]'' YOU…HAVE…A '''GIRLFRIEND'''?! SO! YOU LIKE TO LEAD WOMEN ON?! ''HUH?! [pokes Shnitzel and angrily pants, then pokes Shnitzel again]'' HUH?!? ''[pokes Shnitzel once more]'' HUH?!?! :'''Shnitzel''': ''[anxiously]'' Uh...radda...radda radda. R-Radda radda radda! :'''Miss Endive''': ''[furiously]'' MY HEART IS ''NOT'' A PIECE OF DOUGH FOR YOU TO TWIST! ''[to Margarine]'' Margarine, you can stop playing that song. <hr width=50%/> :'''Panini''': He jumped, Miss Endive. :'''Miss Endive''': They always do, my dear. They always do. <hr width=50%/> :'''Puppet C.H. Greenblatt''': ''[picks up Shnitzel and sets him down on a cloud, erases the chains off him, and draws his outfit]'' There. All better. Hey, Shnitzel, it's me, your creator. Listen, dude, I'm telling you. You gotta go back to Mung's. :'''Shnitzel''': Radda! (No way!) :'''Puppet C.H. Greenblatt''': Don't you get it? Without you there, nothing's right! It's like the cosmos is out of whack! :'''Shnitzel''': Oh, radda radda, radda radda radda, radda radda radda! (Oh please they don't appreciate me). :'''Puppet C.H. Greenblatt''': They don't appreciate you? That's crazy talk. ''[holds up a photo of Chowder and Mung feeding soup to Shnitzel while he's come down with a bad case of the plague pox]'' When you were deathly sick with the plague pox, who nursed you back to health with homemade soup? :'''Shnitzel''': Oh, radda radda. (It was Mung and Chowder). :'''Puppet C.H. Greenblatt''': That's right, pal. It was Mung and Chowder. ''[holds up another photo of Chowder and Mung giving Shnitzel a loan full of cash, in his graduation uniform]'' And when you needed to borrow 3,000 dollops to pay off your student loans, who gave you the cash, no questions asked? :'''Shnitzel''': Oh, radda. Radda radda. (I remember it was Mung and Chowder). :'''Puppet C.H. Greenblatt''': That's right. ''[hops up another photo of Shnitzel being chased by an angry mob]'' And when you ended up lost in the bad part of Lasagna Town after that really crazy birthday party, who drove five hours to come and get you? :'''Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda. :'''Puppet C.H. Greenblatt''': Oh, well, if they had known you were in trouble, I'm sure they would have come. Anywho, you need them as much as they need you. ===The Apprentice Games (1.20)=== :'''Chowder''': ''[lands on Gorgonzola]'' My tushy feels warm. :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[lifts Chowder off himself]'' Get...off...me, Chowder! :'''Chowder''': Guess what, Gorgonzola. Mung says I'll get ultimate thrice cream if I win! :'''Gorgonzola''': You will not be winning anything. :'''Chowder''': Why not? :'''Gorgonzola''': Because I'M going to make sure YOU lose. :'''Chowder''': Why? :'''Gorgonzola''': Because. :'''Chowder''': Because why? :'''Gorgonzola''': Just because! :'''Chowder''': Just because why? :'''Gorgonzola''': BECAUSE I SAID SO! :'''Chowder''': Well, which is it? Are you gonna make sure I'm gonna lose just because you said so, or did you say so just because you’re gonna make sure I'm gonna lose? :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[enraged and irritated]'' STOP TALKING! :'''Chowder''': So, do you want me to stop talking and lose, or lose and stop talking? <hr width=50%/> :'''Stilton''': Yo, down in front. :'''Miss Endive''': Hey! :'''Stilton''': What? :'''Miss Endive''': Hey! :'''Stilton''': What? :'''Miss Endive''': Hey! :'''Stilton''': What? :'''Miss Endive''': Hey! ''[Stilton burps]'' Hey!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[threateningly]'' I'm going to kill you. :'''Chowder''': ''[desperately]'' MUNG, I WANT TO GO HOME!!! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[holding up the ultimate thrice cream]'' Focus, Chowder! :'''Ultimate Thrice Cream''': Gold medal! Gold medal! <hr width=50%> :'''Chowder''': ''[to Gorgonzola; irritated]'' I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU PICKING ON ME! I AM A LIVING BEING! '''''A LIVING BEING!!!''''' <hr width=50%> :''[Chowder and Gorgonzola wash up on shore after Chowder saved him from drowning]'' :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[coughing]'' Chowder, you...you...you saved my life. :'''Chowder''': Come back to me, Gorgonzola. Come back to me. You've got so much to live for. :'''Gorgonzola''': I just said, "you saved my life." :'''Chowder''': I feel like we were just starting to become friends. And now...now you are gone forever! :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[springs off from Chowder's arms; annoyed]'' I'M NOT DEAD! :'''Chowder''': Gorgonzola! You're alive! Oh, thank goodness! I was starting to fall into this really dark depression. I mean, we've lost every event, Mung's disappointed in me, and then, I nearly drowned my new best friend! :'''Gorgonzola''': Well, while I DO have to draw the line at the word "friend," you DID, technically, just save my life. :'''Chowder''': I did? :'''Gorgonzola''': Yeah, so I guess you're not a total waste. :'''Chowder''': I guess you're not a solid waste, either. :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[to himself; annoyed]'' I'm gonna kill him. :'''Chowder''': It breaks my heart to see you in so much pain. Would it help to talk about it? :'''Gorgonzola''': I don't need your help! :'''Chowder''': Stilton's hard on you, huh? :'''Gorgonzola''': Stop it! :'''Chowder''': That's just the pain talking. :'''Gorgonzola''': I'm fine! :'''Chowder''': Does he blow his burps at you? :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[bursts into tears; crying emotionally]'' I try so hard! :'''Chowder''': I know you do. But the truth is, you can't help being the dirty ragamuffin you are, any more than I can help being the loveable dumpling I am. But quite frankly, if that's not good enough for Mung, and Stilton, then, well, sir, that's just not right! ''[slurps some of Gorgonzola's tears]'' :'''Gorgonzola''': That's it! We need to go back and reclaim our dignity. :'''Chowder''': Is that a new flavor of thrice cream? :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[to himself; annoyed]'' So gonna kill him… really. <hr width=50%> :'''Miss Endive''': ''[drops down on the ground with a thud; furious]'' WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! ''[Chowder, Gorgonzola, Mung, and Stilton scream terrifyingly]'' You're joke of an apprentice scared away the Queen! Now who wins, huh, smart guys?! <hr width=50%> :'''Mung Daal''': We have all been gone crazy. :'''Miss Endive''': Right. Medals are meaningless. :'''Stilton''': Absolute meaningless. :''[The three masters start fighting over the gold medals]'' :'''Panini''': So, what do you guys wanna do now? :'''Chowder''': I want to buy the ultimate thrice cream Mung promised me, with these two shiny gold sments I found! ''[holds up the two gold medals, revealing the ones that their masters are fighting over were fakes]'' Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. ==Season 2== ===Panini for President / Chowder's Babysitter [2.2]=== :'''Gorgonzola''': Hey, Chowder, want to run for president? :'''Chowder''': No thanks. I'm really more of a walker. :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[swipes the lollipop out of Chowder's hand and uses it to hypnotize him]'' Look into the lollipop, Chowder. Look into the lollipop. :'''Chowder''': ''[being hypnotized]'' Yes, Master Lollipop. :'''Gorgonzola''': You will run for president, and Gorgonzola will be your vice president. :'''Chowder''': I will run- ''[snaps out of the hypnotizing]'' wait, wait, wait a minute! Girl, you crazy. :'''Gorgonzola''': As president, you can ban Panini from being your girlfriend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': ''[to Panini]'' I'M NOT YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND! As President, I will ''BAN'' YOU! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[draws a mustache and beard on Panini's poster; to Chowder]'' Pretty clever, eh, pudge? :'''Chowder''': Mmm, is she supposed to be French? :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[scoffs]'' No. She's supposed to be ugly. It's defamation of character. :'''Chowder''': Oh. Because French people are ugly? :'''Gorgonzola''': No. :'''Chowder''': Ohh! If she's French, you should draw a beret! It'll help. :'''Gorgonzola''': Quiet, you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': WHAT AM I GONNA DO?! :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[puts the lollipop in front of Chowder's face to hypnotize him]'' You will obey, obey, obey. :'''Chowder''': I’m gettin' tired of Master Lollipop. :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[now holding a cinnamon roll bun]'' Master Cinnamon Swirl says you will kiss babies to win. :'''Chowder''': Yes, Master Cinnamon Swirl! :'''Gazpacho''': Oh, I gotta try that on mother. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': ''[puts on a knight's helmet]'' PLEASE, DON'T KILL ME, PANINI! :'''Panini''': I...I... ''[breaks down, crying]'' I JUST WANTED TO BE CLOSE TO YOU, CHOWDER! I just wanted to pass laws that would legally make you my property! And instead, you listened to Gorgonzola and ruin EVERYTHING! ''[sobbing]'' WHY?! ''[slams her head on the podium]'' WHY?! WHY?! :'''Ceviche''': Oh, my gosh, Panini! Are you okay?! :'''Panini''': ''[angrily through her teeth]'' Yes, Ceviche, I'm fine. Now go away so I can finish my moment. ''[Ceviche leaves; resumes sobbing]'' WHY?! :'''Chowder''': Don't cry. I wasn't listening to Gorgonzola. I was just hanging around with him because he was giving me food. He's my friend. :'''Panini''': He's ''not'' your friend. He's like a villain or something. :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[dressed as the Phantom of the Opera]'' Heeey, Mr. President. :'''Chowder''': ''[screams]'' A VILLAIN!!! :'''Officer Sloppy Joe''': ''[appears]'' A villain, you say?! :'''Gorgonzola''': You'll never take me alive, copper! ''[runs off, leaving Officer Sloppy Joe to follow pursuit]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Truffles''': '''QUIET!''' Won't you stop fooling around? We're gonna be late for our hoedown. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gazpacho''': ''[looks at the clock which is past 9’o’clock]'' Actually, it looks like it’s way past your bedtime. :'''Chowder''': Say what? :'''Gazpacho''': Come on! Let’s get you ready for Dreamland. :'''Chowder''': But we’ve only done half of the list! :'''Gazpacho''': Chowder, if there’s one thing that mother’s taught me, it’s to sleep as much as you can. That way, you don’t have to face the horrible reality of what your life’s become. :'''Chowder''': ''[out of control]'' '''HIDE AND SEEK! READY, SET, GO!!!''' <hr width=50%> :''[Gazpacho’s “Hommina Hommina Hommina”]'' :'''Chowder''': Alright, if you’re gonna cry about it, I’ll go to bed! :'''Gazpacho''': Huh? ''[screams in terror]'' Hommina, Hommina, Hommina, Hommina! :'''Chowder''': What’s your “Hommina, Hommina, Hommina” about, Gazpacho? :'''Gazpacho''': You! You’re dead! RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR! :'''Chowder''': That’s me? :'''Gazpacho''': What’s left of you. :'''Chowder''': Well, this is definitely my hat. ''[gets his hat, then wears it back on again]'' And, ''[takes a smell]'' it does smell like me… ''[puts it near to his ear]'' …and sound like me… ''[puts it into his mouth]'' …and tastes like me. Who knew I was so delicious? '''I’M DEAD?!?!''' ''[Gazpacho walks backwards as Chowder walks to Gazpacho]'' But- but I’m still here! Look! <hr width=50%> :''[Gazpacho running with Chowder]'' :'''Gazpacho''': So this is the other side. Hmm. Looks- looks pretty much like our side now. :'''Endive''': ''[bursts through the door screaming]'' :'''Chowder and Gazpacho''': ENDIVE’S ANGRY SPIRIT! AAAH! ''[they skyrocket from the fountain]'' :'''Gazpacho''': ''[as Chowder runs aside him]'' Run, Chowder! '''WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T LOOK BACK!!''' ''[Endive keeps on running after them as Chowder runs by Gazpacho’s side]'' ===The Fire Breather / The Flying Flinger Lingons [2.3]=== :'''Mung''': Chowder, look what you've done! Now the animators are gonna have to draw all this fire! On top of that, you've ruined the souffle. :'''Souffle''': Why, Chowder? WHY!? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Expolsive flatulence]'' :'''Chowder''': Heh...sorry. ''[gasps]'' I can talk again! My tummy must've digested the peppers. I can cook again! ''[rumbling]'' Oh, wait, it feels like I'm gonna... ''[explosive flatulence]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': Radda radda radda, radda radda radda! :'''Puppet Mung''': You did not say that to Truffles. :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': Radda! :'''Puppet Mung''': What did she say back? :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': ''[imitating Truffles' yelling]'' RADDA RADDA RADDA RADDA! RADDA RADDA RADDA RADDA! RADDA RADDA RADDA RADDA! RADDA! RADDA RADDA RADDA! RADDA RADDA... ''[Puppet Truffles rises up into view, shaking with fury, having to have heard everything; Puppet Mung gets out of the way]'' Ra...Radda. Radda radda radda radda. :'''Puppet Truffles''': ''[lividly launches herself at Puppet Shnitzel and attacks him, violently]'' "RADDA RADDA RADDA!" ===Hey, Hey, It's Knishmas! [2.4]=== :''[a saxophone is heard playing jazz]'' :'''Schnitzel''': RADDA! :'''Chowder''': '''I’M BLIND! I’M BLIIND!!!''' :'''Mung Daal''': That’s the wrong drawing! Here we go! ''[shows a drawing of Schnitzel in the bath tub while covering his private parts with the yellow shower curtain]'' :'''Chowder''': '''AAAH! MY EYES ARE BLEEDING!!!!!!!''' :'''Schitzel''': Radda! Radda Radda Radda Radda? ===Chowder's Catering Company / The Catch Phrase [2.5]=== :'''Chowder''': Hey, what's this impossibly random poster that I see? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chef Holland Daze''': WHAZZAM! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung''': ''[angrily]'' You heard me! Never that phrase again. ''[points to cow]'' :'''Chowder''': Wait, how'd a cow get in here? :'''Mung''': Chowder! ===The Hot Date / Shopping Spree [2.6]=== :''[Fivesday, 3:45 P.M.; Marzipan City Police Department]'' :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': ''[holding up two pairs of pants while in his underwear]'' Quick! I need everybody's attention. Stop whatever you're doing! I need to know which pair of pants go with this shirt I'm wearing. Seriously, you guys! I need help. I got a blind date in a few hours, and I want to look hot! :'''Officer Grinder''': Hot date! ''[chanting]'' Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! :'''Officer PB&J''': Make sure you pat her on the back and burp her. I love it when my mommy does that. :'''Officer Cheesesteak''': Both pants look really nice. They both look ''really'' expensive. I wish I had nice things, but instead I have two cats, two expensive cats. :'''Officer Snow Leopard''': Well, if you ask me, a flat-front pant never goes out of style. :'''Officer Loose Meat''': Look, Sarge, a woman doesn't care about how a guy is dressed on her first date, only that he pays attention to her. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': And how would you know that? :'''Officer Loose Meat''': Hello?! I'm a woman. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': You are? :'''Officer Loose Meat''': ''[close up on her face]'' Yes! :'''Officer Po-boy''': Just remember, girls love it when you're a real jerk to 'em. Works for me every time. ''[sulking]'' That's a lie. I'm so lonely. :'''Beaver Cop''': Beaver Cop says, you should arrest her and force her to go out with you. I'm Beaver Cop. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': Look, this is getting me nowhere. I haven't had a date in twelve years, okay? Twelve! That's a long time! That's 84 in dog years! :''[The telephone rings and Officer Sloppy Joe answers it]'' :'''Officer Sloppy Joe''': Hello? Marzipan Police Department. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Endive''': ''[covered in chocolate pudding]'' Can't you see I'm completely covered in pudding?! :'''Officer Grinder''': Pudding! ''[chanting]'' Pudding! Pudding! Pudding! ''[picks up Endive and eats the pudding off her]'' :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': Officer Grinder, no! Put that citizen down! That's in order. ''[Officer Grinder sets Endive down]'' Sorry about that. :'''Miss Endive''': It's okay. I think he worked out the knot in my back. ''[falls flat on the ground with a clang]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': ''[while being dragged by Officers Monte Cristo and Sloppy Joe]'' I know my rights! I wanna call my lawyer! :'''Shnitzel''': ''[sobbing while being wheeled by Officer Po-boy and Beaver Cop]'' Radda radda radda radda! :'''Chowder''': ''[while being carried by Officer Cheesesteak]'' THIS IS TRAUMATIZING ME! Now I'm gonna grow up to be strange and socially awkward! :''[Truffles barks crazily like a mad dog while being hauled away by Officers Grinder, Loose Meat, and Snow Leopard]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Endive''': ''[viciously with a fiery background] '''BRING OUT THE GUILTY VERMIN AND LET THE SKIES RAIN DOWN WITH THEIR TEARS!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Puppet Clock''': You're gonna be late. For your date! FOR YOUR DATE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer Sloppy Joe''': ''[interrogating Shnitzel]'' All right, tough guy. You better come clean right now, 'cause your little friend over there just spilled the beans. :''[Chowder is standing next to a spilled bean jar as Officer Po-boy scoops it all up with a shovel]'' :'''Chowder''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Endive''': What is going on here?! Has he confessed yet to desecrating my beautiful pool?! :'''Mung Daal''': Only if you admit that you filled my air conditioner with marshmallows! ''[flashback to him, Chowder, Shnitzel, and the kitchen covered in marshmallows]'' Endive! :'''Miss Endive''': Never! I want you to pay for having my pool cleaned! :'''Mung Daal''': Only if you pay for the buckets of tears I cry every time I see your face! :'''Miss Endive''': Only if you pay for the barf bags people use after they eat your cooking! :'''Mung Daal''': ONLY IF YOU PAY FOR THE EXTRA ZIP CODE FOR YOUR BIG MOUTH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': So, does this happen a lot? :'''Officer Cheesesteak''': Only to the sarge. :'''Chowder''': Why do women hate him? :'''Officer Cheesesteak''': I don't know. They just do. They just do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The delivery man taps on Mung's shoulder]'' :'''Mung Daal''': ''[with his new plastic surgery face]'' Can I help you? :'''Delivery Man''': I'm here to deliver your order of momatoes. :'''Mung Daal''': Oh, you can put them over there between the 75 massage chairs and the 33 tiger statues. :'''Deliver Man''': Okay, that'll be 47 dallops. :'''Mung Daal''': Coming right up, my good man. ''[hums as he checks the money in the money box, but finds it empty; stops humming, freaking out]'' WE'RE OUT OF MONEY!!! :'''Chowder and Robot''': WHAT?! :'''Schnitzel''': RADDA?! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[grabs the delivery man; shaking in fear]'' DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, MAN?! :'''Delivery Man''': You're not getting your delivery of momatoes?! :'''Mung Daal''': NO! WORSE THAN THAT! :'''Delivery Man''': Your wife is gonna kill you when she finds out you spent all of the money?! :'''Mung Daal''': '''''EVEN WORSE THAN THAT!!!''''' :'''Delivery Man''': EVEN WORSE?! ''[stops himself]'' I give up. What? :'''Mung Daal''': No money means... :''[The scene changes to the voice actors of the main characters]'' :'''Dwight Schultz (Mung Daal)''': ...no animation! :'''Tara Strong (Truffles)''': What are we gonna do? :'''John DiMaggio (Shnitzel)''': Radda radda. :'''Dwight Schultz (Mung Daal)''': No, we are not going home! We've got to save the show. :'''Nicky Jones (Chowder)''': But where are we gonna get the money to pay for it? :''[The voice actors of the main characters begin to think as the clock tick during the tune from Jepordy. The next scene shows that the voice actors hold up signs that says "Car wash". So, they started by washing cars before drying them. And sure enough, they got payed for money]'' :'''Dwight Schultz (Mung Daal)''': I think we've made enough to get... :''[The scene changes back to animation style]'' :'''Mung Daal''': ...the animation back. ''[relieved]'' Phew. Okay, now we got to replace all the money we took from the money box. :'''Truffles''': ''Oh honey I'm feeling better''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': ''[as soup lands in his face burning and screams in pain]'' My beautiful, expensive face! ''[his makeover is washed away]'' :'''Truffles''': ''[gasps in shock]'' Mung?! ''[growls angrily at him]'' This isn't a dream! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[nervously]'' Uh, yes it is. :'''Truffles''': No! You're '''''NEVER''''' in my dreams. What have you done?! :'''Chowder''': We spent all the money, that's what. :'''Truffles''': ''[gasps]'' Empty? You're gonna pay me back every last sment! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': Mung, money doesn't bring happiness. ''[starts to cry]'' No happiness at all. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[also crying while agreeing]'' Radda. :''[Chowder, Shnitzel, and Mung all start crying]'' ===The Party Cruise / Won Ton Bombs [2.7]=== :'''Man 1''': Why aren't those guys weren't in thongs? Oh, why would you go on a cruise and not wear a thong? :'''Man 2''': OH, WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO??? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mung sees Shnitzel wearing a hula skirt]'' :'''Mung''': Chowder, I think we've lost Shnitzel to the dark side. Guess it's just you and me, pal. :'''Chowder''': But, Mung, the dark side looks a lot brighter. :'''Mung''': You know, fishing is a great way for men to bond. We've got nothing but time out here. Did I ever tell you the story of my famous 1,000-day fishing trip? :'''Chowder''': How many days? :'''Mung''': 1,000. :'''Chowder''': Oh, my gosh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mung mutters, literally shriveling up with insanity, then turns to Chowder]'' :'''Mung''': Chowder...Sweetheart...Dear Boy...The Blufferfish got away...Because you and your friend Shnitzel wanted to be ''[looking cute and buck-toothed, waving his hands]'' a couple of [[w:Charlie Wilson (Texas politician)#"Good Time Charlie"|Good Time Charlies]]! :'''Charlie 1''': You wanted to be us? How silly! :'''Charlie 2''': Come on, Charlie! Let's go have a good time! :''[The Good-time Charlies leave, laughing. Horn honks off-screen]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung''': I don't want- :'''Lo Mein''': NO! Sit down. It's story time. :'''Truffles''': Did someone say stories? About Mung's past? :'''Shnitzel''': Ooh! Radda! :'''Hamhock''': Stories? We like stories! Right, Marzipan City? :''[Mazipan City cheers]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Mung''': What the heck are those? :'''Lo Mein''': Those are LADIES. :'''Young Mung''': Ladies? :'''Lo Mein''': No, no, no. LADIES. :'''Lady''': Oh my! I could order a million of you!!! :'''Young Mung''': LADIES!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Mung''': Oh, ladies! You want some squats with that order? ''[starts squatting]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung''': Chowder! If I met my past self, it could unravel the space-time continuum. :'''Chowder''': But what does the space-time condiminium have to do with...wait? What're we talking about? :'''Mung''': Chowder, listen very carefully. If we alter anything here in the past, it will erase our reality in the present. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': ''[gasps]'' IT'S YOU AS A KID! You were so green! So...greeeeen... ''[starts running towards Young Mung frantically]'' Hiiii. I'm Chooooowder. I know you in the fuuuuutuuure! Fuuuutuure! ''[Mung pulls Chowder away]'' FUTURE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung''': Remember what I've told you, Chowder. :'''Chowder''': Never eat barbed wire. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung''': Now, Chowder! Do it, now! :'''Chowder''': ''[rips off his clothes and runs around naked]'' Label! Label, label, label! I need a label! Something that tells me what I am! Am I a rabbit? A cat? A baby hippopotamus? This is so uncomfortable! Somebody please label me before it's too late! :''[Mung quickly switches the bad Won Ton Bomb dish with the good Won Ton Bomb dish]'' :'''Mung''': ''[whispers]'' I've got it, Chowder! :'''Chowder''': ''[calmly]'' That is all. ===The Dinner Theatre [2.11]=== :'''Chowder''': I did not! ''[gets interrupted by kissing noises, a lip monster is seen making kissing noises]'' :'''Lip Monster''': Kiss, kiss. Hiya, toots! ''[farts twice]'' :'''Panini''': [screams in shock and runs away] GROSS, GROSS, GROSS, GROSS, GROSS, GROSS, GROSS, GROSS, GROSS!!!!!! ===The Snail Car / The Lollistops [2.13]=== :'''Mung Daal''': ''[looks at the door as Truffles do the same thing that he does]'' Boy, they must be searching for gold in there. :'''Truffles''': I hope they find some, I forgot my textbook. <hr width=50%> :'''Chowder''': Kimchi, I've gotta find a way to break my teeth. ''[Kimchi pulls out a hammer]'' A hammer? this'll work great! ''[hammers a picture which says "HANG IN THERE BABY"]'' Hmm. I wonder if I'll find a way to break my teeth. <hr width=50%> :'''Chowder''': Do regular doctors have Lollistops? :'''Mung Daal''': No, just sharks and those under he wouldn't touch impressively. Ugh! <hr width=50%> :'''Chowder''': More teeth? ===Endive's Dirty Secret / Big Food [2.14]=== :'''Chowder''': WHOA, THAT WAS Close! :'''Mung Daal''': You said it. Now let's skedaddle before those hounds- :'''Shnitzel''': ''[gasps]'' R-Radda!! :'''Mung Daal''': Shnitzel, what are you talking about? :'''Shnitzel''': Rad-da! :'''Mung Daal''': What? What do want me to look at? ''[gasps]'' Ew! It's Endive! Oh, my lord! Oh, what is she- :'''Chowder''': Mung. What, what, who, who, why?! It's like some horrible accident! I can't look away! :'''Mung Daal''': Oh, if only I had a camera! :'''Shnitzel''': Radda, radda. :'''Mung Daal''': Thanks, Shnitzel. Good thing you carry this high-powered camera everywhere you go. :''[Camera shutter clicking]'' :'''Miss Endive''': ''[gasps]'' No! ''[growling]'' :'''Mung Daal''': Hey, guys, I wonder what Endive will say when she finds out we captured her dirty secret on film? :''[Miss Endive hovers over Mung in anger]'' :'''Both''': ''[in fear]'' Humina, humina, humina, humina, humina, humina. :'''Mung Daal''': What, take more pictures? Shnitzel, this zoom lens is great! :'''Miss Endive''': ''[growling]'' MUNG! ''[breathing heavily; Mung chuckles nervously]'' Give me that camera! :'''Mung Daal''': We'll give you this camera if you let us in your pool. :'''Miss Endive''': Never! Give me that camera! :'''Mung Daal''': Woman, you will let us take a dip in your pool, or we'll show these pictures to everybody. :'''Miss Endive''': You wouldn't dare. :'''Mung Daal''': Try me. :'''Miss Endive''': No, forget it! I-I-I'm calling your bluff! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[sighs]'' I didn't want to have to do it this way, Endive. I really didn't. ''[beat]'' Everyone, to the farmers' market! :'''Miss Endive''': What?! ''[gasps]'' No! No! No! No! No! No! ''[gasps]'' My reputation will be ruined! Aah! Get back here! No! No! No! No! No! No! What? :'''Mung Daal''': Blah, blah, Endive, blah, blah, blah! Check it out! :'''Gazpacho''': Mm-hmm. And what are we looking at? Mama, no! ''[gags; vomits]'' I'm all right. I'm not all right! ''[vomits violently]'' That's Miss Endive, she's disgusting! And that picture of her is gross too. Bada bing, I've got a million of 'em! :''[Miss Endive breathes heavily]'' :'''Mung Daal''': Well, hello, Endive. :'''Miss Endive''': How could you show that?! Give it to me! :'''Mung Daal''': Unh-unh-unh-unh, I told you - I'll let you have it when you allow us into your pool. :'''Miss Endive''': I will never allow grubby cretins like you to frolic in my pool! Never! :'''Mung Daal''': Well, you leave me no choice. ''[later seen; showing pictures to the citizens]'' Endive pictures! Embarrassing Endive pictures! Get your Endive pictures right here! See what everyone is talking about! :'''Miss Endive''': Okay, fine! I will allow you to use my pool just this once. But I ever want those pictures seen by anyone ever again! ===Paint the Town / The Blackout [2.15]=== :'''Mung Daal''': ''[after arriving in Chowderland]'' Honey, you're not gonna believe what Chowder has done! :'''Truffles''': How do you know it's Chowder? :'''Mung Daal''': He signed his name on the lower right-hand corner. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': ''[bumps into something in the darkness]'' I need some light. ''[walks off and comes back, carrying Gorgonzola]'' That's better. :'''Gorgonzola''': Put me down, Chowder! ''[frees himself from Chowder's hands; walking away]'' Leave me out of your silly cartoon! You gotta be crazy to be out here. Everyone knows all the weirdos come out during the blackouts. :'''Chowder''': Weirdos? :'''Gorgonzola''': ''[screams in surprise; frightened]'' Yeah. The darkness draws them out. They roam the streets looking for people who have boring conversations with. :'''Chowder''': Ah, that's not true. You're just trying to scare me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Puppet Chowder''': Shnitzel, Shnitzel, pull my finger! :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': Radda. :'''Puppet Chowder''': Please. :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': Radda. :'''Puppet Chowder''': I'll be your best friend. :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': Radda! :'''Puppet Chowder''': PULL…MY…FINGER! :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': Radda, radda, radda! :'''Puppet Chowder''': ''[begging]'' Come on! :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': ''[annoyingly grabs Puppet Chowder's finger and his whole arm comes off]'' Radda. :'''Puppet Chowder''': Maybe you better get some tape. ===The Dice Cycle / The Chain Recipe [2.16]=== :'''Chowder''': Oh, why was I cursed like this, Mung? With such short legs? If only I had something to ride on. Something with two wheels. And with handlebars. And is red. And it's in the garage. Your Dice Cycle, I wanna ride your Dice Cycle. :'''Mung Daal''': Yes, I know what you're referring to and the answer is "No"! You'll wreck it. :'''Chowder''': No, I won't! I swear on the soul of my poor dead cooking master! :'''Mung Daal''': I'm not dead. :'''Chowder''': You could be if you tried. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': ''[growling furiously]'' '''''CEVICHE!!!''''' :'''Chowder''': You're not mad, are you? :'''Mung Daal''': Ceviche will ''PAY!'' I'm calling Pâté right now! :'''Chowder''': ''[worried]'' Oh, no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pâté''': Mung, I don't understand this accusation. I wanted to continue our chat, but you just hung up. :'''Ceviche''': ''[weeping]'' I didn't do anything. :'''Chowder''': Mung, I... :'''Mung Daal''': ''[covers Chowder's mouth]'' Pâté, Ceviche owes Chowder damages for wrecking his dice-cycle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': ''[finds a shmenny on the kitchen floor]'' Hey, a shmenny! ''[picks it up]'' Must be my lucky day! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal''': Chowder, I'm not going to make this ridiculous chain recipe. :'''Chowder''': ''[gasps loudly in shock]'' But-but-but-but-but-but what about the bad luck?! :'''Mung Daal''': ''[ripping up the letter]'' There is no such thing as luck, good or bad. There, you see. ''[notices a paper cut on his finger]'' Oh, frapplesauce! I got a paper cut! :'''Chowder''': ''[gasps in horror]'' It's begun! :'''Truffles''': Huh? What's begun? :'''Chowder''': The bad luck, since Mung won't make a chain recipe. :'''Truffles''': Oh! Yep, he's cursed. :'''Mung Daal''': Cursed? Come on. :'''Truffles''': ''[darkly]'' '''''CURSED!''''' :'''Mung Daal''': It's ''just'' a paper cut! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': If Mung won't make the chain recipe, then Mung WILL make the chain recipe! :'''Colonel Chicken Chowder''': I declare I do not understand I declare. :'''Chowder''': That's because you're not supposed to understand until after the wipe. :'''Colonel Chicken Chowder''': Oh. :''[Later that night...]'' :'''Chowder''': ''[to Truffles]'' Is he asleep? :'''Truffles''': Better. He went into the bathroom. :'''Chowder''': That means we have a good three hours to pull this off. Ready? :'''Chowder & Truffles''': ''[high-five each other]'' Break! :'''Chowder''': ''[dressed up and impersonating Mung Daal]'' Oh, look at me. I'm Chef Mung Daal. Notice my fancy mustache, pointy ears, and girlish legs. :'''Truffles''': ''[pointing the spotlight on him]'' And the liver spots! Don't forget the liver spots! :'''Chowder''': Tonight, I am going to kick this chain recipe of Smeanut Blutter Flookies with my young apprentice, Chowder. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[dressed up in Chowder's clothes and hat; annoyed]'' Radda. :'''Chowder''': No, Shnitzel. I say things like, "Awesome!" And "Please!" And "Talk to the hand, girlfriend!" And... ''[spits while spinning his head]'' And "Well, shoot." Now you try. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[dumbfounded]'' Radda. :'''Chowder''': Wow, you're good! :'''Truffles''': ''[dragging ingredients for the chain recipe while dressed up as Shnitzel]'' Why do I got to be Shnitzel? All I say is, "Radda radda this" and "Radda radda that." :'''Shnitzel''': "'Radda radda this' and 'Radda radda that.'" Radda radda radda! Radda radda radda radda radda! :'''Truffles''': Oh, yes, trust me, you do! :'''Shnitzel''': ''[sniffles shamefully]'' Ra. :'''Chowder''': Now, let's make that chain recipe once and for all! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Truffles''': ''[as the wind blows away her clothes, hat, and hair; to the viewers]'' Don't you look at me! ===The Garden / Sheboodles! [2.17]=== :'''Chowder''': For match of luggage. And out for [[incesticide]]! ===Gazpacho Moves In / My Big Fat Stinky Wedding [2.18]=== :'''Mung Daal''': Chowder, this is the third time I've told you not to take our glasses, so I'm going to have to...PUNISH YOU. :'''Chowder''': You don't kid around with your punishments. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': Hi, are you a mirror? :'''Porridge''': ''[rubbing his nose]'' No. I'm a foreign exchange apprentice. My name is Porridge, and I'm living with Kimchi's family for the summer. Huh. Who are you supposed to be? :'''Chowder''': I'm supposed to be Chowder, Kimchi's best friend. :'''Porridge''': Ha! No, who are you really? :'''Chowder''': Ch-Chowder, Kimchi's best friend. :'''Porridge''': Well, I guess if you say so. Dinner has already begun. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chowder, Porridge, Kimchi and his family eat dinner around the table]'' :'''Chowder''': Yes, Kimchi's mom. Yes, I do think Kimchi's...new bride is...beautiful. Just can it, Kimchi. She's got a bag over her head. I bet she's all warty, or has an extra eye. :'''Porridge''': Actually, Chowder, the rich and ancient culture of Kimchi's people FORBIDS the groom from seeing his bride's face before the wedding. :'''Chowder''': Wow! So is she burned with acid? :'''Porridge''': Yes, that is also tradition. :'''Chowder''': How do you know all this junk about Kimchi's culture? Kimchi never talks about any of this stuff. :'''Porridge''': That's because Kimchi's ashamed of his culture. Why else would he leave his home and his two loving parents, and always go live with an outsider with weird hat, like ''YOU''? :'''Chowder''': Is this true, Kimchi? Is my hat weird? :'''Porridge''': If you were really Kimchi's friend, you would know better than to be friends with him. :'''Chowder''': But Kimchi always said in his culture, if someone saves your life, you have to be their friend until you can return the favor and save theirs! :'''Porridge''': ''[gasps]'' Are you saying you saved Kimchi's life? :'''Chowder''': No, for reals. ===A Faire to Remember / Tofu Town Showdown [2.20]=== :'''Panini''': ''[pulls Chowder away from Marmalade]'' Oh, there you are Chowder. What's going on here? For a second there, it looked like you found a new ''[breaths fire from her mouth in a malicious tone]'' '''''GIRLFRIEND.''''' :'''Chowder''': Oh, you mean Marmalade. Well, she is a girl. :'''Marmalade''': Guilty. :'''Chowder''': And she is my friend. :'''Marmalade''': Try me and convict me. :'''Panini''': ''[laughs; then firmly]'' Chowder, you get back over here, right this second. :'''Chowder''': But I don't wanna. :'''Panini''': Now. Get over here, now. :'''Chowder''': But can I have more than one friend who's a girl? :'''Panini''': No, don't test me, Chowder. :'''Chowder''': What flavor lipstick are you wearing? :'''Panini''': Smackdown. Now get over here. :'''Chowder''': Um, I think I'd prefer to stay with starwbarbelberry. :'''Panini''': Chowder, ''[through gritted teeth]'' do not make me... :'''Ceviche''': Panini, Panini, what comes after number 29? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Panini''': ''[crying]'' Oh, Chowder, how could you do this to me?! :'''Ceviche''': On a scale of one to ten, how desperate would you say you are right now? :'''Panini''': ''[crying]'' Eleven! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': Wow, Shnitzel. We're in Tofu Town! It's the most Asian-themed district in Marzipan City! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gyoza''': Shnitzelson, I finally found you. Didn't think your mysterious past could catch up to you now, did you? :'''Chowder''': Mysterious past? Shnitzel...Ohh! :'''Gyoza''': I've finally lured you back here, so that I can have vengeance for what you did to my father. :'''Chowder''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Shnitzel, what's going on? I didn't know you had a mysterious past. That's so cool! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shnitzel elbows Chowder, waking him up while he fell asleep through the whole flashback story]'' :'''Chowder''': Sorry. I fell asleep. Can you repeat that? :'''Gyoza''': Now, he must pay for his failure. He must '''''FACE THE MUSIC.''''' :''[The Sukiyaki Yuza fighters start singing the show's theme song which starts driving Shnitzel crazy and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Chowder''': Hey, fish lady, I don't see what the big deal is. Why don't we just go over there and get Shabu Shabu back? :'''Gyoza''': Impossible! It's too dangerous. Only a skilled meat fighter can face the awesome power of Peking Duck. :'''Chowder''': Well, what about Shnitzel? He was pretty awesome in the flashback. :'''Shnitzel''': ''[lifts up his head]'' Radda? :'''Gyoza''': You have a point, chunky purple one. Very well. If you two rescue my father, Shnitzel's honor among the Sukiyaki Yuza will be restored. :'''Chowder''': All right! :'''Shnitzel''': Radda? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': There it is, Shnitzel, the hideout of the Teriyaki Triads. Gyoza said Shaba Shabu's inside, trapped in his cookie prison. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peking Duck''': ''[off-screen as Shnitzel walks right into his trap]'' Well, well, well. We meet again my pathetic old friend. I have waited a long time for this. I see you want this cookie. ''[reveals himself from a cloud of smoke; laughs]'' You will have to get through the meal I prepared for you first! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Teriyaki Triads''': ''[to Shnitzel]'' You! ''[push Chowder to him]'' Please, take him home! His singing is horrible! :'''Chowder''': I love karaoke! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gyoza''': You did it. But, where's my father? :'''Chowder''': ''[coughs up Shabu Shabu and burps]'' Sorry, I just wanted the cookie. ''[burps again; narrating]'' And so, Shnitzel, the greatest meat fighter that ever lived, restored his honor, and brought peace back to all of Tofu-Town. The end. :'''Mung Daal''': You ate the delivery again, didn't you? :'''Chowder''': Oh, sorry. :'''Shnitzel''': Oh, radda! ''[facepalms in annoyance]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Puppet Chowder''': ''[reading note]'' '''"Do not eat. This means you, Chowder. Love Mung."''' Gotta stay strong, gotta stay strong, gotta stay strong. :'''Puppet Pizza''': So that's it? You're not eating me? :'''Puppet Chowder''': No, no I want to but, Mung said- :'''Puppet Pizza''': Look kid, if people listen to notes nothing would get done in this world. Notes are really more like guidelines. It said, "Do not eat." Didn't say "Do not eat pizza." :''[Little later... Puppet Mung notices the pizza's gone]'' :'''Puppet Mung Daal''': You ate it, didn't you? :'''Puppet Pizza''': ''[from inside Puppet Chowder's stomach]'' No. ==Season 3== ===The Spookiest House in Marzipan/The Poultry Geist [3.2]=== ===The Apprentice Scouts / The Belgian Waffle Slobber-Barker [3.3]=== :'''Chowder''': ''[looking through the scouts guide book]'' OH, MY GOSH! This is horrible! According to the guide, Gazpacho has a deadly case of...''Rabie-C's!'' :'''Gorgonzola''': Rabie-C's? :'''Chowder''': It's all here in the Scout Handbook. See? Signs of Rabie-C's - "sweating, worked up." :'''Gorgonzola''': Yeah, but it also says you foam at the ears. :'''Chowder''': That's stage two. He's not that far yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung''': There's only one thing we can do! Get some protection. :'''Truffles''': You want I should call the cops? :'''Mung''': Not that kind of protection. :'''Shnitzel''': Radda Radda Radda? :'''Truffles''': No, not that kind of protection. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the credits]'' :'''Puppet Shnitzel''': ''[petting a cat]'' Aww. Radda radda, Yes, you radda. Yeah, you... ''[sees Puppet Truffles]'' Uh, uh...radda. :'''Puppet Truffles''': Ha, ha. You did that, I'm gonna tell everyone about this. ''[flies off]'' ===A Little Bit of Pizzazz! / The Birthday Suits [3.4]=== :''[While preparing for an order, Chowder accidentally causes an explosion, and all the four main characters to switch bodies]'' :'''Chowder''': ''[in Shnitzel's body; groaning]'' What happened? :'''Mung Daal''': ''[in Chowder's body]'' I'll tell you what happened - you blew us into each other's bodies! :'''Chowder/Shnitzel''': You mean, I'm in Shnitzel's body? Weird. Freaky weird. :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': That's right. And I'm in YOUR body, Chowder. :'''Truffles''': ''[in Mung Daal's body]'' And me in Mung's! ''[cries]'' Which can only mean Shnitzel is- :'''Shnitzel''': ''[in Truffles' body]'' Radda?! ''[looks down and sees he has Truffles' breasts; bursts into tears, bawling]'' Radda radda radda! :'''Truffles/Mung Daal''': Good! Let him deal with all those for stinking hormones. I'm sick of it! :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': Now everybody, just relax. Man, Chowder's arms are short. The only way to get back to normal, is to find the "Get back to Normal" recipe book. :'''Truffles/Mung Daal''': How convenient. :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': There it is. Now, if I can just… reach… ''[tries to reach the book from the shelf but cannot]'' I can't reach. :'''Chowder/Shnitzel''': How 'bout Shnitzel's body gives you a boost? ''[lifts and launches Mung through the roof, over the sky, as he lands back crashing the shelf]'' I'm strong! SO STRONG!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': Well, what do you wanna do with Shnitzel's body first, Chowdy? :'''Chowder/Shnitzel''': I wanna lift a heavy object! :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': There's a great big heavy one! :'''Miss Endive''': I beg your pardon? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder/Shnitzel''': ''[sighs]'' Switching bodies is so fun. :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': Yeah. This new body is great. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': Truffles! What have you done to my face?! :'''Truffles/Mung Daal''': Oh, it's a long story. Here, finish this order. ''[whines]'' I can't do anything right in your body. :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': Well, I can't cook. I can't reach anything in these arms. :'''Truffles/Mung Daal''': The kitchen is falling apart! What do we do?! :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': That settles it-- we change back into OUR bodies A.S.A.P. ''[Chowder bursts into tears, sobbing in a mental breakdown]'' Chowder! Chowder, what's the matter? :'''Chowder/Shnitzel''': ''[sobbing]'' I don't wanna leave Shnitzel's body! Mung, I LOVE IT! Especially the part where I'm strong and tall! And strong! :'''Mung Daal/Chowder''': Are you finished? :'''Chowder/Shnitzel''': Yeah, I'm good. When do we change back to our bodies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': I forgot how soft and pudgy my body is, compared to hard and cold Shnitzel's body was. :'''Shnitzel''': Radda. ''[lets go of the mop and walks off]'' :'''Miss Endive''': ''[in Mung Daal's body]'' Well, I think you're all a bunch of billowy ninny swallows. ''[horrified]'' Oh, good gravy! I'm in Mung Daal's body! And if I'm in his body, he must be in… :''[Miss Endive's house; Mung is now in Miss Endive's body as he screams horrifyingly in his reflection and goes wildly berserk]'' :'''Mung Daal/Miss Endive''': Hey, this is kind of fun. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The dish's shrinky-pinky spice shrinks Chowder, Mung, Truffles and Shnitzel's fruit suits]'' :'''Mung Daal''': Maybe it's not that bad. They're tight, and we look like idiots, but at least they've stopped shrinking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rhino Lady''': Gelato, what is wrong with society today? :'''Gelato''': Yes, yes, I dare say. If I see one more thing to upset my uptight sensibilities, then we would have to form an angry mob. :''[Chowder, Mung, Shnitzel and Truffles then show up in their underwear, stripped from their fruit suits by the shrinking spice; Gelato gasps and faints]'' :'''Rhino Lady''': Gelato?! Gelato! Those heathens have made Gelato faint! Get them! :''[Mung, Chowder, Shnitzel, and Truffles scream and run for their lives as the angry mob chases after them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rhino Lady''': Really? Baby ducks. :'''Sgt. Hoagie''': ''[in his baby duck underwear]'' Who doesn't like baby ducks? ===Weekend at Shnitzel's / Taste Buds [3.7]=== :'''Chowder''': This...is bo-o-o-o-ring! This is boring! You're boring, your life is boring, and this episode is boring! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chowder''': ''[weakly]'' Sugar...wearing off. So...tired. Must...go home...to die. ''[Shniztel feeds him soda]'' Scooby-Dooby-Doo! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carlito Con Queso''': Come back here, you! Come back here with my Mesquite! Not cool, man! Not cool! :'''Chowder''': Huh. He was my ride. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carlito Con Queso''': Krav Maga KICK! ''[kicks down the door]'' Ay-yi-yi! :'''Shnitzel''': Uh... :'''Carlito Con Queso''': Get your hands off my Mesquite! :'''Shnitzel''': Radda! Radda radda radda! Radda radda! :'''Carlito Con Queso''': NO! You cannot be in love with her, because ''I'' am in love with her! :'''Chowder''': You guys should, like, totally fight to the death for her. I mean, that’s what I would do. It would solve everything, you know. But it's up to you guys. Really, I'm just saying. It’s a pretty good idea. :'''Carlito Con Queso''': Yes, the GORDITO is right. We must fight to the death like honorable men, no? AAAAH-YI!!! Oh, and one more thing… ''[sways his hand in Shnitzel's face]'' KA-KAW! ''[Shnitzel bites his hand; screaming in pain]'' So, you think this is some kind of a game, huh?! Well, trust me, this is NO game! ===Gazpacho! / The Toots [3.8]=== :'''Gorgonzola''': What is the meaning of all this hubub? :'''Mung Daal''': ''[with tears of joy welling up in his eyes]'' Chowder just made the most beautiful singing. :'''Gazpacho''': (Yawns) Man! I'm Tired! I'm Hungry! ===Chowder Grows Up [3.9]=== :'''Kebab''': You have a meeting in five minutes, Mr. Gorgonzola...Sir. :'''Adult Gorgonzola''': Kebab, I thought I told you to wear your uniform! :'''Kebab''': Yes, but... :'''Adult Gorgonzola''': Put it on. ''[Kebab puts on Chowder's clothes and hat, quivering frightfully]'' Ha! Look at you, Chowder. Look, I have become terrifically successful! And what are you? A pathetic stooge! :'''Kebab''': Please, sir, can I take off my uniform now? :'''Adult Gorgonzola''': ''NO!'' Say what Chowder would say! :'''Kebab''': I'm chubby? :'''Adult Gorgonzola''': It's not the same! Don't look at me! ''[picks up his office desk]'' I NEED CHOWDER TO BE MY RIVAL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last scene of the series]'' :'''Past Chowder''': No! Stop! Hold it! I reject this future! It’s evil, evil! :'''Past Panini''': But Chowder. We look so happy together. :'''Past Chowder''': '''I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!''' :'''Past Panini''': Just look at all our babies. :'''Past Chowder''': '''I REFUSE TO LOOK!''' :'''Adult Chowder''': Man, we were cute kids. :'''Adult Panini''': Yeah. :'''Adult Chowder''': But, seriously, no more babies. Okay? :'''Scraps''': ''[gets transported by the moving babies]'' Help, help, the babies got me… :'''Adult Panini''': Okay, I'll stop. :'''Adult Chowder''': ''[gets to stop them to transport him]'' Babies, no! Put Scraps down! :''[As the Adult Chowder runs after the babies, there are crashes heard as Scraps’ screams of terror are heard and the book closes to the front cover]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Last credits of the series]'' :'''Puppet Chowder''': Schnitzel, I had the craziest dream, it was 20 years to the future, what do you think it means? :'''Puppet Schnitzel''': Rada-rada. :'''Puppet Chowder''': Wow Schnitzel, I just had a dream, that had a dream you we're explaining my dream and the dream. What is suppose it means? :'''Puppet Schnitzel''': Rada-rada, rada-rada. :'''Puppet Chowder''': ''[last lines]'' Schnitzel, I just had a dream, that had a dream, that had a dream thaat you we're explaining my dream and the dream that you we're dreaming. What is suppose it means? ==Cast== *Chowder - [[w:Nicky Jones (actor)|Nicky Jones]] *Truffles - {{w|Tara Strong}} *Mung Daal - {{w|Dwight Schultz}} *Shnitzel - {{w|John DiMaggio}} *Panini - {{w|Liliana Mumy}} *Gazpacho - {{w|Dana Snyder}} *Gorgonzola - {{w|Will Shadely}} *Kimchi - {{w|C. H. Greenblatt}} *Miss Endive - {{w|Mindy Sterling}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:2000s American animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] ep2up2nf5jue6iwwlxsdw0rfvv3192w 0 112358 3944658 3940097 2026-05-23T23:55:37Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944658 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Rugrats in Paris: The Movie|Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]''''' (also known as '''''The Rugrats Movie 2: Rugrats in Paris''''' and '''''Rugrats in Paris: The Movie-Rugrats II''''') is a [[w:2000 in film|2000]] [[w:Nickelodeon Movies|Nickelodeon]] film and the sequel to ''[[w:The Rugrats Movie|The Rugrats Movie]]'' that follows Chuckie Finster as he searches to find a new mother. :''Directed by Stig Bergqvist and Paul Demeyer. Written by [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].'' :''Music by [[w:Mark Mothersbaugh|Mark Mothersbaugh]].'' {{center|'''France never had a chance!''' ([[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Charles Crandall Norbert "Chuckie" Finster, Jr.== * Guys, guys! I’m gonna get some mommy! I bet she’s gonna be clean and cuddly and nice! * It's like you always say, Tommy: "A baby's got to do what a baby's got to do!" * Over my dad's potty! ==Coco LaBouche== * What are you waiting for? Get off your derrieres and get this show on the road! Tout de suite! * ''[to Dil]'' And how is this precious cupcake today? ''[Dil hits her on the nose with his rattle]'' Why you're just a [[lawsuit]] waiting to happen, aren't you? * Kira, remind me to immediate whoever wrote this hideous song! * ''[orders Jean-Claude to lock up babies away during her wedding with Chaz]'' Jean-Claude, takes those wretched dust mops away! I will not have them ruining my wedding day! * ''[to Kira]'' Burn zis moth-eaten plaything! I never wanted to see it again. ==Dialogue== :''[First lines]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': I believe in the playground. It is my favoritest place in the whole wild world. But two yesterdays ago, a bad thing happened while we was playing there. Some big boys took my brother's binky and buried it in the sandbox. :'''Dil Pickles''': Binky! Bye bye. :'''Tommy Pickles''': It made my brother cry. So I said, "Dilly, this is a job for the bobfather." :'''Angelica Pickles''': ''[first words; eating a cookie, imposing as '''[[The Godfather]]''']'' You come to me on the day of this wedding and ask me to take care of the boys who made your brother cry? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Uh, no, Dil just wants a new binky. :'''Angelica Pickles''': That's it? A binky? I don't get to squeeze no one's head of pull no one's hair? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Uh, no. :'''Dil Pickles''': Binky please. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Dumb baby. Can't even make a good wish. All right, kiss my ring. ''[Dil licks and drools on Angelica's ring]'' Eww! Go send the next one in and tell him to bring a sponge. :''[Tommy and Dil leaves a room where Grandpa Lou and Lulu are celebrating their wedding. Boris is plays an accordion while everybody claps, Music starts to play while Chuckie tries to Dance]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Nine, Eleven, eh, twenty... :'''Susie Carmichael''': Chuckie, you're not supposed to look at your feet when you're dancing. :'''Chuckie Finster''': But I'll see go to, Suzie. They just keep getting tangled up. :''[Susie laughs. Phil and Lil try to crawl up to the wedding cake]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': Faster, Philip, we got to get the peoples on top. :'''Phil DeVille''': I got dibs on the feet. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Phil, Lil, the Bobfather wants to see you now. :''[Phil and Lil slides down a wedding cake]'' :'''Drew Pickles''': I can't believe Angelica saw that movie last night. :'''Charlotte Pickles''': I can't Mother and merger at the same time. Besides she only saw a scene or 2. It can't had made an impression :''[Phil and Lil talk to Angelica]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': Uh, Bobfather, we founded this in our crib. :''[Lil holds up the head of a rocking horse]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': Well, that's what you get for wiping your boogers on Cynthia! :'''Phil DeVille''': So that's where I'd left 'em! :''[Inside the dancing room, Dil is on deck sucking on a disk while Tommy dances with his diaper sagging down, he quickly pulls it up]'' :'''Wedding DJ''': 'N now let's give a warm of applauds to the number one newlyweds out of this weeks Top Ten Married Couples, Mister Lou and Lulu Pickles! :'''Lou Pickles''': Come on, Lulu, let's show these whipper snappers have it's done! :'''Lulu Pickles''': I didn't get these plastic hips for nothing. :''[Lou and Lulu start to dance]'' :'''Betty DeVille''': So, Chaz, buddy, you think you're ever tie the knot again? Cause I got a cousin whose looking. Big bones, board shoulders, and she eat her weight in cheese in cheese in one sitting. :'''Chaz Finster''': Thanks, Betty, but cheese gives me hives. So does dating. Boy, Lou and Lulu sure can boogie. :''[Angelica talks to Chuckie]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': You're like family to me, Finster, name your wish. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Um, um. Gosh, Bobfather, I don't know what to wish for. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Just pick something already! ''[Chuckie picks his nose]'' I don't mean your nose! :''[Susie comes in]'' :'''Susie Carmichael''': Come on Chuckie, Grandpa Lou's throwing a Gardner. :''[Susie, Chuckie and Angelica leave the room. Angelica sees the baby as a Bear Suit sucking on a binky]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': We'll take that binky. ''[takes off the binky from the baby and it begins to cry]'' There you go, Drooly. ''[puts on his binky in Dil's mouth]'' It fell off a truck. :'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[satisfied]'' See Dilly, you've got your wish. <hr width=50%> :''[Later, in [[Paris]], [[France]] like '''[[w:The Aristocats|The Aristocats]]''', '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]''' and '''[[w:Gay Purr-ee|Gay Purr-ee]]'''.]'' :'''Coco LaBouche''': ''[first words; to actors on stage]'' What are you waiting for? Get off your derrieres and get the show on the road. Tout de suite! ''[to Jean-Claude]'' I love the sound of panicked scurrying feet in the morning. Don't you Jean-Claude? :'''Jean-Claude''': ''[first words]'' It moves me deeply, Madame. :''[The mechanical Reptar starts moving as a woman runs away screaming]'' :'''Man''': ''[singing]'' That Reptar's a nuisance. He's a thorn in our side. :'''Woman''': ''[singing]'' The way things are going our village will be fried. :''[Reptar breathes fire. He then short circuits and his head falls off]'' :'''Coco LaBouche''': That Stu Pickles. I want that nincompoop here within 24 hours or another head will roll. :'''Jean-Claude''': I'll take care of it personally. Kira! Madame LaBouche wants her pickles now! <hr width=50%> :'''Angelica Pickles''': ''[smugly]'' I already learned to parsee-boo Francie. That means "speak French." :'''Susie Carmichael''': ''[speaking in French]'' I feel bad for the French people who will hear you. Goodbye. :'''Angelica Pickles''': No-one likes a show-off, Susie. <hr width=50%> :'''Phil DeVille''': ''[seeing Lil pushing a "hostess" button]'' Hey, I wanted to push the button, Lillian! :'''Lil DeVille''': You want the button, Philip? You can't handle the button! <hr width=50%> :'''Angelica Pickles''': You babies are as dumb here as you are at home. :'''Dil Pickles''': ''[after wetting himself]'' Wee, wee! :'''Angelica Pickles''': 'Cept him. He's speaking French already. <hr width=50%> :'''Coco LaBouche''': So, we meet again. ''[Dil Pickles spits on her.]'' Oh, delightful. ''[Coco talks to Kira through a microphone on her earring.]'' Kira, they're staring at me, and this child is leaking from the mouth. What do I do? :'''Kira Finster''': Just smile and be nice. :'''Coco LaBouche''': Hello. You are not horrible. ''[Dil pulls on Coco's lips.]'' No. Let go. Do you know how much I paid of for these lips? :'''Tommy Pickles''': I don't think Dil likes that lady too much, you guys. :'''Coco LaBouche''': Stop it, you dripping urchin. :'''Phil DeVille''': I don't think she likes Dil too much either. :'''Lil DeVille''': She's not a very nice lady. She's too pointy. ''[Dil Pickles starts to cry.]'' :'''Coco LaBouche''': Kira, he's crying. What do I do now? :'''Kira Finster''': Comfort him. Gently bounce him up and down. ''[Coco LaBouche bounces Dil Pickles up and down and he throws up on her.]'' :'''Chaz Finster''': According to Lipschitz, Dilly just gave you a gift. :'''Coco LaBouche''': Why wouldn't he? After all children, they are my life. :'''Chaz Finster''': Oh, I have that poem taped to my refrigerator! :'''Coco LaBouche''': Pardon? :'''Kira Finster''': "Children are my life". It is a classic. :'''Chaz Finster''': "Dapple laughter, patting feet". :'''Kira Finster''': "Joy and wonder. Heaven's treat". It is one of my favorites! :'''Coco LaBouche''': "Joy and wonder. Heaven's treat". It is one of my favorites. :'''Chaz Finster''': Wow. ''[The Rugrats pull on Chaz's pant leg.]'' Oh, dear. They're getting fussy. :'''Kira Finster''': Why don't you take them to Ooey Gooey World? :'''Coco LaBouche''': Ooey Gooey World? :'''Chaz Finster''': Ooey Gooey World! What a great idea! :''[In Ooey Gooey World, Chaz, Coco and the Rugrats float through Ooey Gooey World as a song plays. Behind the couch is a land of smudge, a dwelling to wrappers, toys and fudge, gummy bears, balls of hair...]'' :'''Coco LaBouche''': Kira, remind me to eliminate whoever wrote this hideous song! :'''Chaz Finster''': Look. No hands. Whee! ''[Lil DeVille picks up the goo.]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': It's so soft and squishy-ful. :'''Phil DeVille''': Yeah, it's good stuff. Let's stock up. ''[Phil and Lil put the goo in their diapers. Some goo gets on Chuckie's glasses.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': And egg-sackly how i am opposed to find the princess with my glasses all googled up? :'''Kimi Finster''': Here. :''[Kimi Finster sprays Chuckie with water.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Thanks, I guess. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Look, the castle! Let's go see that princess, Chuckie! :'''Chuckie Finster''': You guys, they said to keep your hands and feet inside at all times. :'''Phil DeVille''': That didn't stop her. :'''Kimi Finster''': Come on. I'll show you the short cut. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Kimi, no! You guys! ''[Tommy Pickles, Kimi Finster, Phil DeVille and Lil DeVille get off the cart.]'' :'''Kimi Finster''': What are you waiting for? :'''Chuckie Finster''': Oh Great. Another Tommy. ''[Chuckie Finster gets off and they leave.]'' :'''Kira Finster''': Kimi! Madame, the babies are gone! :'''Coco LaBouche''': Finally... huh? No, wait. Get them back before wheezy finds out! :'''Kira Finster''': Security, we have an emergency situation! :''[An alarm goes off as security guards dressed as French ninjas chase after the Rugrats.]'' :'''French Ninja Guard #1''': Allons-y. :'''French Ninja Guard #2''': Suis moi. Vite, vite! :''[The Rugrats go up the stairs and Chuckie looks down on the ground. The Rugrats running to the water fountains. They stop and Kimi follows the Rugrats. The water fountains pop up the guards.]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': This goo is giving me a diapie rash. :''[One of the guards' steps in the goo and trips and his pants fall off, but all the other guards' trip over him. The Rugrats go up the escalator and go down a slide and as they continue down the slide, one of the guards flies off and The Rugrats runs to the elevator.]'' :'''Kimi Finster''': I told you I knew a short cut! :'''Phil DeVille''': That was the longest short cut I ever took. :'''French Ninja Guard #3''': Zere zey are. ''[The Rugrats go up an elevator and keep running.]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': There's the princess. :'''Lil DeVille''': Isn't she beautiful? ''[The princess goes back in.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Oh no. She's gone... :'''Tommy Pickles''': Go get her, Chuckie. She's right inside. :'''Chuckie Finster''': You're right, Tommy. I'm going do it. What if she doesn't like me? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Go ahead, Chuckie. You'll never know unless you try. ''[Chuckie goes to open the door but he hesitates.]'' Go ahead, Chuckie. :''[The guards come up and snatch the Rugrats.]'' :'''French Ninja Guard #4''': Ha-ha-ha-ha! Allez-hoop, little baby. Ze babies have been apprehended. We're on our way back to Ooey Gooey World. <hr width=50%> :''[Angelica's lipstick goes out of control when she hears Chuckie]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': You want a princess to be your mom? What about Coco? :'''Tommy Pickles, Chuckie Finster, Phil and Lil DeVille''': Who? :'''Angelica Pickles''': Mr. Chuckie's dad's girlfriend, the Reptarland lady. :'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[climbs out of the Reptar bed]'' That lady's not the princess, Angelica. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Yeah. I'm gonna get the real princess for my mommy. <hr width=50%> :'''Angelica Pickles''': Hi, Mr. Chuckie's dad's girlfriend. How's my float coming along? :'''Coco LaBouche''': Fabulous, we're just waiting for the matching ponies. :'''Angelica Pickles''': And I still get the float if Mr. Chuckie's dad marries a princess instead of you, right? :'''Coco LaBouche''': What?! Why do you ask? :'''Angelica Pickles''': 'Cause, um...well, um...The Finster kid is planning on getting a princess for a mom...and let's face it, lady. You're no princess! :'''Coco LaBouche''': Not a princess? Well! If the tiara fits, wear it. :'''Jean-Claude''': Ooh, I smell trouble. <hr width=50%> :''[while in the warehouse with Jean-Claude...]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': Mr. Yamahoochie was on TV, and he told the French lady you can't have joy if you don't got a heart. Well, she had one in a jar, but she still needed a spiny man with a kid, ''[to Chuckie]'' so I told her how you wanted a princess mom, and she was supposed to give me my on pony float, but she made the whole thing up! ''[pause; groans in frustration]'' I helped that lady trick your daddy into marrying her! :''[Tommy, Dil, Chuckie, Phil and Lil gasp]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': You did? But... :'''Dil Pickles''': Bad yucky, bad! :'''Angelica Pickles''': Ah, pipe down, drooly! :''[Dil blows raspberry]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': Dilly's right! That's one of the worstest things you've ever done, Angelica! :'''Angelica Pickles''': I know it was bad, even for me. Sometimes, I just can't help myself. I'm sorry, Chuckie. <hr width=50%> :''[In the Notre Dame cathedral]'' :'''Betty DeVille''': Seen one church, seen em' all. Wake me if you spot a hunchback. <hr width=50%> :'''Priest''': If there be anyone who objects to this union, let him speak now or forever hold his peace. :'''Chuckie Finster''': I gots to be brave. I gots to be brave. ''[bursts in screaming his version of "I object!"]'' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! :'''Chaz Finster''': ''[in awe]'' Chuckie? He said his first word. He's talking! <hr width=50%> :'''Jean-Claude''': ''[bursts in the church, being bruised up]'' Madame! ''[falls on the floor then gets up]'' Our kidnapping plot has failed! :'''Coco LaBouche''': ''[to Chas]'' Ignore zat unemployed fool! :'''Chaz Finster''': ''[angrily]'' Coco, the wedding is off! You are not the woman I thought you were! :'''Angelica Pickles''': ''[enters the church with Tommy, Phil, Lil, Dil, Kira, Kimi, Spike, and Fifi as Jean-Claude moves out of the way]'' Hey, lady! Looks like your plan to trick Mr. Yummysushi didn't work after all. :'''Coco LaBouche''': Pretty flower girls should be seen, not heard! :'''Mr. Yamaguchi''': ''[rising from his seat]'' I would like to hear what the little one has to say. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Okay, but listen good. 'Cause I'm tired of telling this story! That cuckoo lady told her boss she had a kid's heart in a jar, and she was gonna marry Mr. Chuckie's daddy just so she could be president! :'''Coco LaBouche''': ''[enraged]'' Listen, you traitor- :'''Mr. Yamaguchi''': ''[furiously]'' Now, Ms. LaBouche. ''[Coco nervously smiles]'' You are dismissed. ''[walks out of the church]'' :'''Coco LaBouche''': ''[shocked]'' Dismissed? But no one fires Coco LaBouche. Coco LaBouche fires others! Coco LaBouche is EuroReptar! ''[Tommy, Phil, and Lil step on her gown]'' Off ze gown, you revolting carpet mice! ''[knocks them off]'' :''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': Listen, lady! Nobody messes with my dumb babies, except me! :''[Coco scoffs and storms out of the church. But Angelica purposely steps on her dress and rip it]'' :'''Jean-Claude''': ''[in a sing-song voice]'' I see London, I see France, I see Coco's underpants. :'''Coco LaBouche''': ''[last words]'' Well, take a picture. This is the last time you will see Coco on her underpants! ''[She throws down her wedding hat. Turns around sees the people the cameras taking pictures photographs of Coco's underpants and runs away, screaming in crying despair]'' :'''Jean-Claude''': ''[last words]'' Bad dog! Bad dog! ''[Spike pulls his boots off and chases him]'' Coco, wait! :'''Stu Pickles''': Go get him, Spike! <hr width=50%> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': ''[pushes her way towards Wedding Cake]'' Hey, lady, you ever hear of a thigh blaster? Cynthia that frosting flower has our name bitten all over it. :''[The Rugrats are on the table eating the cake]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': Who do you babies think you are? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, I'm Tommy and this is Lil. :'''Phil DeVille''': And she calls us dumb. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Give me that cake right now! :''[Angelica gets hit with cake]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': Good throw, Dilly. :'''Angelica Pickles''': ''[last words]'' That's it, prepare to meet your caker! :''[Tommy gets hit with cake]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Hey, guys, what you're doing? :''[Chuckie gets hit with cake and a food fight starts]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Hey, Susie! ''[grunts]'' :''[Susie gasps. Susie duck the cake and Angelica gets hit with cake. Phil and Lil tug of war the cake and Phil gets hit with cake. Dil toss the cake and Kimi throwing the cake, Boris gets hit in the back of the head with cake and Grandpa Lou laughs, Boris hits grandpa with cake Drew falls the cake and Chas and Kira gets hit with cake. Chaz and Kira laughs. Kimi and Chuckie throws the cake. Betty gets hit with cake and Howard laughs. Everyone starts to throw cake at each other]'' :'''Kimi and Chuckie Finster''': Whee! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Well, Tommy, I guess this is the way things are going to be from now on. ==Taglines== * France never had a chance! ==Cast== * E.G Daily as Tommy Pickles * [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] as Chuckie Finster * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] as Phil, Lil and Betty DeVille * [[w:Cheryl Chase|Cheryl Chase]] as Angelica Pickles * [[w:Dionne Quan|Dionne Quan]] as Kimi Watanabe * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] as Dil Pickles * [[Susan Sarandon]] as Coco LaBouche * [[w:John Lithgow|John Lithgow]] as Jean-Claude * [[w:Jack Riley (actor)|Jack Riley]] as Stu Pickles * [[w:Melanie Chartoff|Melanie Chartoff]] as Didi Pickles * [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Mike Bell]] as Chaz Finster and Drew Pickles * [[w:Julia Kato|Julia Kato]] as Kira Watanabe * [[w:Cree Summer|Cree Summer]] as Susie Carmichael * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] as Charlotte Pickles * [[w:Phil Proctor|Phil Proctor]] as Howard DeVille * [[w:Joe Alaskey|Joseph Alaskey]] as Grandpa Lou Pickles * [[w:Casey Kasem|Casey Kasem]] as DJ * [[w:Mako Iwamatsu|Mako]] as Mr. Yamaguchi * [[Debbie Reynolds|Debby Reynolds]] as Lulu Pickles * [[w:Dan Castellaneta|Dan Castellaneta]] as Archbishop Jean-Marie Lustiger of Paris * [[w:Lisa McClowry|Lisa McClowry]] as The Princess * [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] as the French police officer * [[Tim Curry]], [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Richardson]] and [[w:Billy West|Billy West]] as Sumo Wrestlers/Singers ==Teaser Trailer== :'''Chuckie''': Hold on, guys. I got a wedgie. :'''Narrator''': ''Rugrats in Paris: The Movie''. :'''Chuckie''': Here we go! :'''Narrator''': The Rugrats are going to Paris and Paris will never be the same. ''Rugrats in Paris: The Movie''. :'''Angelica''': You're just as dumb over sneezed as you are at home. :''[she falls over]'' :'''Phil''': Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bread. :''[a yellow background appears with the "Thanksgiving 2000. In theatres everywhere" text and Paramount Pictures print logo, 1998 Nickelodeon Movies print logo, and Klasky Csupo print logo]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Rugrats}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:Rugrats (film series)]] [[Category:2000 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated adventure films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Animated films set in Paris]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Animated films about weddings]] [[Category:Animated films about missing people]] [[Category:Animated films about babies]] 9kztr3mupfy2tu3f3sscxl9h468y0hf 0 112805 3944655 3939721 2026-05-23T23:50:59Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944655 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Rugrats Movie|The Rugrats Movie]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998]] [[American]] [[w:Animated|animated]] [[w:Musical fim|musical]] [[w:Comedy-drama film|comedy-drama film]] produced by [[w:Nickelodeon Movies|Nickelodeon Movies]]. Based on the popular 1990s animated [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]] series ''[[Rugrats]]'', this film introduces Tommy's baby brother Dil Pickles and focuses on their relationship. '''''[[w:Rugrats in Paris: The Movie|Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]''''' was released as a sequel in [[w:2000 in film|2000]]. :''Directed by [[w:Igor Kovalyov|Igor Kovalyov]]. Written by [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].'' {{center|'''Nap Time is Over'''([[The Rugrats Movie#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Thomas Malcolm "Tommy" Pickles== * We're off the see the lizard! * Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of yum! ==Rex Pester== * Young Tammy, Baby Dale, the twins Bill and Jill, Little Chunky, and poor Amelia all vanished without a trace. I'm Rex Pester and I'll be back with more Big Action News. ==Dialogue== :''[First lines; The camera is in a jungle and moves in the direction of a mountain in which there is a hidden temple surrounded with Reptar statues like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back|Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back]]''' and '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventue|The Chipmunk Adventure]]'''. The babies climb the cliff and are at the cave's entrance. The temple is dark and gloomy inside, as we are there, looking towards the outside, as the babies race in. Once in the cave, Chuckie stops.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': This place gives me the juice bumps. ''[A group of bats fly out of the mouth of one of the Reptar statues.]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Maybe we should go back. :'''Lil DeVille''': Very back! :'''Tommy Pickles''': No! We can't go back now, you guys! Okey-Dokey Jones never goes back! ''[The Rugrats move near a door-shaped like Angelica's head. They act surprised. Inside the "mouth" is a bright, orange-colored light.]'' Hang on to your diapies, babies, we're goin' in! :'''Chuckie Finster''': ''[voice over]'' That's Tommy Pickles. He's the bravest baby I ever knowed! ''[As Chuckie Finster talks, Tommy Pickles races toward the door. As he gets there, the door slams, while he raced in there once it's open, and after he enters, it slams shut again. Phil and Lil look surprised.]'' And that's Phil and Lil. Uh, uh, well, they--they like worms. ''[Phil DeVille and Lil DeVille hold hands and rush in through the door, which closed behind them.]'' And I'm Chuckie. Uh... I'm not so brave. ''[Chuckie is hesitant to enter, but is whipped in by Tommy Pickles.]'' But that's okay, 'cause I got Tommy, and he's my bestest friend. ''[giggles]'' ''[The babies run to a tower on which is perched an idol. They climb the tower to reach the idol. While trying to take the statuette, the idol becomes a banana split and a trap is released, causing the babies to fall back to the ground.]'' Watch out! ''[Tommy gasped. A huge boulder ball starts rolling toward them. The babies scream and run like the wind as they try escape the boulder ball.]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': Keep moving! :'''Phil DeVille''': It's right behind us! ''[Suddenly, the floor opens itself in front of them. Tommy Pickles, Phil DeVille and Lil DeVille make the jump, but Chuckie misses his, hanging on the brink like a earthquake (a la Boulder chase in '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', and '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back|Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back]]''').]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Tommy! Help me! :'''Tommy Pickles''': Come on, Chuckie! ''[Back to reality: The boulder ball was Didi's pregnant stomach.]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Tommy! ''[The babies scream and run away.]'' You kids shouldn't be playing in here! ''[The babies run away at full speed.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': ''[voice over]'' We thought the fun times would last forever. ''[The Rugrats run face-first into glass patio door, then fall over.]'' But we were wrong! :'''Didi Pickles''': Oh, my. ''[Betty DeVille holds onto Didi as she picks Tommy up.]'' :'''Betty DeVille''': Upsy-daisy, Didi. :'''Didi Pickles''': Thanks. <hr width=50%> :''[Betty DeVille opens the patio door and let the babies go out. The grown-ups are having a baby shower for Didi.]'' :'''Susie Carmichael''': Thank you for inviting me to your baby shower, Mrs. Pickles. ''[Camera zooms out for a panoramic shot of the whole party.]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Glad you could be here, Susie. :'''Woman Quest #1''': What a pretty party dress, Angelica. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Thank you. My mommy's assistant bought it especially for my Aunt Didi's party. ''[Susie laughs while making fun of Angelica's dress.]'' Don't say a word. ''[Along the fence, Aunt Miriam is in front of a blackboard, taking bets on the new baby's weight.]'' :'''Aunt Miriam''': All right, I got $20 on 8 pounds, 6 ounces. 8 pounds 6. Who's got 8-7? :'''Man Guest''': I'm in for 12! :'''Aunt Miriam''': 12 pounds? What are you, crazy? :'''Chaz Finster''': Gosh, you can hardly tell she's gained any weight. ''[While turning over, Didi accidentally knocks over the table with her stomach.]'' :'''Woman Guest #2''': Oh, don't worry. :'''Chaz Finster''': I mean, you know from behind. :'''Minka''': There you are, Didila. Come. Look what we got for you. Boris, move your tuchus. :'''Didi Pickles''': A goat? Oh, Mom, you shouldn't have. :'''Minka''': Nothing better for the little bubula than goat's milk. :'''Boris''': Except maybe yak. But you try finding good yak these days. ''[The babies run and bump into the goat and it bleats.]'' He's saying, "Hello". There you go, kinderwund, some chocolate coins. ''[The babies take the coins and hide their selves under the table.]'' :'''Woman Quest #3''': Everything I, oh... ''[On way to table, Chuckie clumsily bumps into the ladies, they all gasp, and pan to bottom of table.]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Aren't you going to eat it, Tommy? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Nope. I'm saving it for my baby sister. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Oh, you mean, she finally came? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Not yet, but they're giving her this big party, so I'm pretty sure today's the day. :'''Lil DeVille''': Do you think she got losted on her way to the party? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Hmm, I don't know. Maybe we better go look for her. Come on! ''[The babies climb out from under the table.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Uh, but, Tommy, she could be anywhere. ''[Chuckie accidentally bumps into Didi's stomach.]'' :'''Betty DeVille''': Watch it, pups. :'''Didi Pickles''': Careful. ''[Charlotte arrives, and as per usual, she's talking to Jonathan on her cell phone.]'' :'''Charlotte Pickles''': ''[on phone]'' I'll get back to you, Jonathan. I've got to say "hi" to the life of the party. ''[to Didi]'' How's our little man? :'''Didi Pickles''': I told you, Charlotte, Dr. Lipschitz says it's a girl. :'''Betty DeVille''': Ha! That windbag thought Phil and Lil were intestinal gas. :'''Aunt Miriam''': Face it, dolly. Riding high, it's a guy. :'''Charlotte Pickles''': You know what they say: "Born under Venus, look for a..." ''[phone rings]'' Hello? :'''Didi Pickles''': Now, now, Dr. Lipschitz is the expert. I don't see any of you with a PHD in Latin. :'''Betty DeVille''': Yeah. Pig Latin, maybe. Well, let's just hope, for Tommy's sake, it's a girl. I hate to see my pups squabbling, if they were both boys. :'''Didi Pickles''': Uh, uh, uh. Let's not do any gender stereotyping. After all, Stu and Drew are brothers, and they get along just fine. <hr width=50%> :''[Inside the basement, where Stu Pickles and Drew Pickles are arguing angrily. Stu Pickles is working on his latest invention to enter in a contest]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Pushy! :'''Drew Pickles''': Lazy! :'''Stu Pickles''': Bossy! :'''Drew Pickles''': Inconsiderate! :'''Stu Pickles''': Nosy! :'''Drew Pickles''': Good for nothing! :'''Stu Pickles''': Busybody! :'''Stu Pickles and Drew Pickles''': Why can't you listen to me?! :'''Drew Pickles''': We're talking about a real job, Stu, with benefits! :'''Stu Pickles''': I'm not going to waste my life as a clock-punching, paper-shoving, bean-counting... ''[gasps in shock]'' Oh, no offense. :'''Drew Pickles''': You barely make ends meet now! You've got no insurance, no savings, and another kid on the way! :'''Stu Pickles''': For your information, bro, I'm working on something that is going to put this branch of the Pickles Family on Easy Street! :'''Drew Pickles''': What is it this time, huh? An electric sponge? :'''Stu Pickles''': Of course not! That was last year. This is the Reptar Wagon! The ultimate in toddler transportation! The perfect children's toy! :'''Lou Pickles''': In my day, we had plenty of fun just throwing rocks at each other. Big bag of dirt clods, that's what the kids want. :'''Stu Pickles''': The Reptar Corporation is holding a toy design contest, and the winner gets $500! :'''Drew Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh! :'''Stu Pickles''': And there'll be plenty more if this toy's a hit, and I'll be famous! :'''Drew Pickles''': Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you said when you built that stupid thing. ''[Drew points to a Dactar glider, which is hanging suspended from the ceiling.]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Maybe Dactar was a little bit complex, but... this... this...watch! ''[speaking into a microphone with his normal voice]'' I am Reptar! Hear me roar! :'''Reptar Wagon''': ''[Stu's voice, distorted]'' I am Reptar! Hear me roar! ''[The Reptar Wagon spits fire across the garage. Drew jumps out of the way while Stu runs up and puts the fire out with his extinguisher.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Conflammit! Can't a guy get any work done without getting barbecued?! :'''Stu Pickles''': Okay, so maybe real fire isn't the best idea for a children's toy. ''[Drew's shirt is smoldering as he glares at Stu, who quickly sprays him with the fire extinguisher.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Inside Tommy's room, which was remodeled for the new baby. One side is blue, for Tommy's side, which has a Dummi-bear bed, a "Smile!" poster and a trunk with smiles painted all over, the new baby's side is pink, with a crib festooned with balloons and an "It's a girl!" banner on the wall. The babies enter the room to their amazement.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Tommy, somebody's been coloring your room. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Yep, it's for my new sister. :'''Phil DeVille''': How are we going to find her, Tommy? :'''Chuckie Finster''': Tommy, somebody's been coloring your room. :'''Lil DeVille''': Well, she's a girl like me, so we know she'll be prettyful. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Oh, brother. You dumb babies got a lot to learn about the facts of life. Now, get out of the way! I've got to get to the dessert table, before the grownups get the good stuff. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Can you help us find my sister, Angelica? :'''Angelica Pickles''': I wouldn't be in such a big hurry if I was you, Tommy, because when the new baby gets here, she's going to get all the toys, and the love, and the attention. And your mommy and daddy will forget all about you. It'll be like, "Look, Deed... there's that little bald kid in the house again." :'''Tommy Pickles''': My mommy and daddy won't forget me. :'''Angelica Pickles''': That's what Spike said before you were born. Back when his name was Paul. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Paul? :'''Angelica Pickles''': Yeah, but, then you came along, and they put him out in the rain and he turned into a dog. :'''Tommy Pickles''': That's not going to happen to me, Angelica. My mommy and daddy will love me, no matter what! :'''Susie Carmichael''': A baby is very neat; a baby is a special treat. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Ugh! Who does Susie Carmichael think she is?! ''[Angelica leaves while the babies watch from inside, and All are singing, unless specified. Angelica is next to Didi's belly, chuckling, as she plans to make her move.]'' :'''Susie Carmichael''': A baby has lots of toes, a baby has a tiny nose. / A baby is a little dickens, a baby is a cuddly chicken. / A baby is lots of joy. :'''Angelica Pickles''': A baby will get all the toys! :'''Susie Carmichael''': What are you doing? A baby has a smiley face... :'''Angelica Pickles''': A baby is from outside space! :'''Susie Carmichael''': Angelica! :'''Angelica Pickles''': Susie! :'''Susie Carmichael''': A baby is extra fancy. :'''Angelica Pickles''': A baby poops in his pantsies! :'''Susie Carmichael''': Cut it out! :'''Angelica Pickles''': No! :'''Susie Carmichael''': Like a birdie, singing in a tree! ''[Music switches to a Tejano beat, using different arrangement, and the babies climb outside to watch.]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': More like Reptar, screaming in your ear! ''[points at Tommy Pickles]'' :'''Angelica and Susie''': A baby is a gift, a gift from a Bob! A baby is a gift from a Bob, Bob, Bob! A baby is a gift. ''[Angelica does a gagging gesture.]'' :''[Cut to under a table, where the babies have crawled underneath. Tommy and Chuckie are talking, while music continues under.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Do you really think babies are a gift from a Bob? :'''Tommy Pickles''': I don't know. Why? :'''Chuckie Finster''': Because if Bob bringed a gift, it's probably one of them. ''[Points to the baby shower gifts on a nearby table, return to Angelica Pickles and Susie Carmichael, though the Tejano flavor remains.]'' :'''Susie Carmichael''': A baby is very special. :'''Angelica Pickles''': A baby is...is...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'''Didi Pickles''': Betty, it's time! :'''Betty DeVille''': It's time? Oh, boy. Everyone, to your stations! ''[to Howard]'' Howard, get Stu! ''[to Charlotte]'' Charlotte, call the hospital! Deed, start your breathing. Come on, good girl. ''[Didi begins her rhythmic breathing. The other grownups pick up the babies.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Up we go, sprout. We got a Pickle to deliver. :'''Howard DeVille''': Let's go to the car, kids. ''[During the rush, the goat has broken loose and is destroying the party. While the goat destroys things, it sets off the sprinkler system.]'' :'''Charlotte Pickles''': Would somebody turn that sprinkler off? ''[The goat comes inside, dragging a chair on his leg. Lou Pickles and Tommy Pickles look on.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Now, that's what I call a "baby shower!" <hr width=50%> :''[Outside the "Lipschitz Maternity Arts Building", 3 cars race to the front entrance. Inside the hospital, looking at a bank of monitors with Dr. Lipschitz's image on each monitor.]'' :'''Dr. Lipschitz''': ''[on monitors]'' Welcome to the Werner P. Lipschitz Center for Holistic Birthing, offering the modern parent the state of the art in primitive birth alternatives. :'''Nurse''': Oh, Mrs. Pickles! You weren't due till next week, now, dear. Geez, well, I guess we could try and squeeze you in somewhere, huh? :'''Didi Pickles''': But Dr. Lipschitz promised us the all-natural Zen experience in the Tibetan terrace room! :'''Boris''': In my day, a woman just dropped her baby in the potato field, and kept going. :'''Nurse''': Ah, yes. The Old Country Room. :'''Didi Pickles''': Do you have anything a little cleaner? :'''Nurse''': Well, we could try the Aquatic Emersion Room. :'''Minka''': ''[after seeing the "Aquatic Emersion Room"]'' She having a baby! Not a gefilte fish! :'''Dr. Lucy Carmichael''': Oh! Stu, Didi, Randy called to say you were on your way. ''[laughs]'' I didn't realize you were bringing' the whole party! How far are the pains, hon? :'''Stu Pickles''': Oh, they are pretty much constant. :'''Dr. Lucy Carmichael''': Okay, Didi, let's go and get you settled in, huh? ''[The babies are placed in a playpen.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Here you go, sprout. :'''Didi Pickles''': Don't worry, sweetie, mommy's going to be okay. ''[Grown-ups leave; Didi Pickles continues her breathing exercises. Lou Pickles and Boris sit nearby, preparing to play cards.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Oh, gosh, Tommy, your mommy sure seems upset. :'''Lil DeVille''': Maybe your baby sister really is losted. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Whoa! Maybe we can buy her a new one. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Where're we going to find a baby in a place like this? ''[Pull away to reveal several doctors walking around, carrying babies. The babies, in the usual fashion, break out of the playpen, and crawl out without being caught by Lou Pickles and Boris, who are too busy playing "Fish".]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': You got any queens? :'''Boris''': Go fish! :''[The babies enter the newborns' nursery.]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Hey, a baby store. :'''Lil DeVille''': Nice and wiggly. :'''Tommy Pickles''': You guys, help me pick one my mom will like. :''[The song "This World is Something New to Me" begins as babies cry and Chuckie Finster looked at the robotic camera as it moves, causing him to step on one of the light switches on the floor. For your convenience, the newborns' lines will be identified by the artist singing it.]'' :'''Lisa Loeb''': Where am I? :'''B Real''': How did I get here? :'''Patti Smith''': Things look different than yesterday. :'''Lou Rawls''': So this is the world? :'''Laurie Anderson''': I miss my old womb. :'''Gordon Gano''': The wallpaper here just ain't the same. :'''Fred Schneider''': ''[hides under a blanket]'' This world is something strange. :'''Lisa Loeb''': I'm wet. :'''Phife Dawg''': ''[wrapped in a blanket]'' I'm cold! :'''Lenny Kravitz''': ''[waggles his diaper]'' I need a change! :'''Newborn Babies''': ''[tossing their blankets in air]'' This world is something new to me. :'''Phife Dawg''': Oh, my head! What is this? I can't take it! :'''Dawn Robinson''': ''[on an adjacent monitor]'' Me either! :''[Robotic camera zooms in on next baby.]'' :'''Beck''': I'm hungry. :'''Lou Rawls''': I'm tired. :'''Jakob Dylan''': ''[pounds a crib floor to make a pacifier bounce]'' I'm irritated! :'''Lou Rawls''': ''[moves his legs]'' But I love the extra leg room. :'''Patti Smith''': ''[points to her bellybutton]'' Man! They cut my cord! :'''Iggy Pop''': ''[Looks in his diaper]'' Oh oho, consider yourself lucky! :'''B-Real''': This world is way too big! ''[camera zooms out to reveal the whole nursery]'' :'''Iggy Pop''': ''[baby points at Chuckie Finster, who's pressing his face against the glass]'' And populated by fuzzy pigs. :'''Newborn Babies''': This world is something new to me. :'''Fred Schneider''': This world is such a gas. ''[farts, causing his diaper to inflate.]'' :'''Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson''': P.U., where's your class? :'''Newborn Babies''': This world is something new to me. ''[2 baby carriers collide with each other as the Rugrats push them around.]'' :'''Beck''': Quiet! Can't a guy get some shuteye?! ''[The camera zooms in on his eye.]'' :'''Patti Smith''': It’s so noisy in here! :'''Iggy Pop''': I can barely hear myself suck! ''[he grabs a bottle from Chuckie and chugs it down.]'' :'''Jakob Dylan''': The food here tastes pretty good. :'''Phife Dawg''': My compliments to the chef. :'''Dawn Robinson''': And you got to holler to get fed. :'''Lou Rawls''': But I could get used to that. ''[The babies cry, Chuckie Finster falls on floor onto a light switch.]'' :'''Lisa Loeb''': This world is way too bright. :'''Beck''': Can't somebody turn down the light? :'''Gordon Gano''': ''[looks inside his diaper]'' So that's what that thing looks like. :'''Jakob Dylan''': All things here are meant for play, ''[Throws a pacifier; robotic camera follows it.]'' :'''Fred Schneider''': It's going to be a real cool day. :'''Newborn Babies''': ♪This world is something new to me.♪ ''[One of the newborns screams. The newborns pee in the air to make a fountain. One of the babies sing Ba-da-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu. Baby boy: "Real cool", Phil DeVille and Chuckie look up at the circle-shaped light while gasping as another one sings, "La-la-la-la!" and a rainbow from the musical number forms from the "fountain".) This world is something new to me. :''[Robotic camera retracts and monitor shuts off as number ends. Lou Pickles and Boris enter the nursery.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': There you are! :'''Boris''': Oy, gevalt! You kinder gave my ticker such a scare! ''[While the newborns cry, Lou Pickles grunts as he picks the babies up and leave the nursery with Boris. As they leave, we pan to the ceiling where all the lights are turned out and the rainbow is fading away.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Inside Didi's room. Apparently, the room she has chosen is the usual, ordinary birthing room. Didi's rhythmic breathing continues, though it's now at a faster pace. The staff work on Didi while Dr. Lucy gives orders.]'' :'''Dr. Lucy Carmichael''': All right, Didi, you can do it. Push now! Have we got a good reading on the EFM?! :''[Didi screams. We cut to what seems to be a graphic representation of a baby being born, from a baby's point of view inside Didi's body. In order, we see a blast of blue light, a group of planets, a school of fish mingling in aquatic plant life, frogs, dinosaurs, dolphins and monkeys, Stonehenge, the sphinx, and pyramids, atoms and finally, bright light, all of them rendered in CGI. These items zoom by while the baby is being born.]'' :'''Dr. Lucy Carmichael''': Here it comes! Gorgeous! :'''Stu Pickles''': Oh, Didi, she's so beautiful. She's... ''[The baby starts crying very softly.]'' she's a boy! :''[The baby's eyes are now in focus.]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Hello, my wonderful, sweet baby boy. :''[Didi Pickles placed her finger on her lips as she looked at Stu Pickles, who looked back at her and smiles as the baby closed his eyes, continuing to cry while being handed to Didi Pickles. Switch back to audience's point of view, where we now see the new baby in Didi's arms hiccupping. He's wrapped in a blue blanket. Stu wipes the tears from his eyes as Didi lets him grab her finger.]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I guess we won't be naming him after my mother. :'''Didi Pickles''': He doesn't look much like a Trixie. What about my cousin Dylan? :'''Stu Pickles''': Dylan Prescott Pickles. Hmm. ''[The nurse is writing down the name, as the baby is sucking on Didi's finger.]'' :'''Nurse''': Dil Pickles. ''[Stu Pickles and Didi Pickles hear what the nurse said and realize what a great name it is.]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Yeah... I like it. ''[Stu Pickles and Didi Pickles look at their new son Dil, who looks up at his father and smiles at him. Lou takes Tommy Pickles into Didi's room.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Here you go, sprout. :''[Tommy Pickles took his chocolate coin out of his diaper and gives it to Dr. Lucy, who looks at it and smiles at Tommy Pickles as he's handed to Stu, who placed him on Didi's bed so he could see Dil Pickles.]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Tommy, I want you to meet someone very special. This is your brother, Dylan. Dil, this is Tommy. ''[Dil, sucking on a pacifier, looks at Tommy Pickles.]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[gasps in wonder]'' Baby... ''[he reaches a handout]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': See? They already love each other. :''[Dil Pickles hiccups before he pulls Tommy's nose. Tommy Pickles shakes his head until Dil Pickles lets go of him. Tommy Pickles starts wailing. This in turn causes Dil Pickles to start crying and wailing!]'' :'''Betty DeVille''': ''[to Chaz]'' Well, that's a start. :''[Cut to exterior of the Pickles' house. A gong sounds. Dil's crying is heard from inside. Cut to the foyer, where Stu Pickles, in his bathrobe, is comforting Dil Pickles, pacing back and forth, couldn't get any sleep for 4 weeks. Cut to the kitchen, where the kitchen is a big mess. Didi Pickles, also in her bathrobe, is literally sleeping in the kitchen sink, among the suds. Stu came to the kitchen with Dil Pickles.]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, what are we going to do? He hasn't stopped crying since we brought him home! ''[We pan to the four babies watching from their playpen, understandably annoyed by Dil's crying]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': ''[covering his ears]'' Somehow, it's not as much fun around here anymore. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Yeah! What's your brother so sad about? :'''Tommy Pickles''': I don't know! But whatever it is, it must be really bad. :'''Lil DeVille''': Maybe he's broked! :'''Tommy Pickles''': What?! :'''Phil DeVille and Lil DeVille''': ''''BROKED!'''' ''[A monkey's head on a cymbal doll that Lil was holding pops off.]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': Broked? ''[Didi Pickles walks by carrying a still-crying Dil Pickles over her shoulder. Stu Pickles follows, holding up a green stuffed bunny in an attempt to get Dil Pickles to stop crying, but to no avail]'' He's not broked! He's, uhh... just a little loud! ''[Even Angelica can't stand Dil's crying.]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': Oh, that baby's getting on my nerves! :''[She angrily slams the door. Grandpa is in his chair, sleeping as a fishing show is seen. The goat is next to him, also sleeping. Angelica Pickles changes the channel and turns up the volume. The first thing she sees is a commercial. Caption: "Coming Soon". The commercial featured monkeys and two ringmasters in a circus ring.]'' :'''Circus TV Announcer''': Direct from Moscow, the Banana Brothers Monkey Circus! Featuring the most amazing monkeys since Brezhnev! This is real monkey business, so Trotsky on down. The Banana Brothers Monkey Circus! ''[Circus logo slides into view.]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': GRANDPA! Can we go to the circus? ''[The goat bumps into the armchair's back.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': No! We've had enough of a circus here already! <hr width=50%> :''[Outside the train, which pulls into a station, as the engine blows its whistle and arrives on time. 2 men, Serge and Igor, leave the engine's cab.]'' :'''Igor''': ''[gets off the circus train]'' Serge, you stay here and watch monkeys. I get us coffee. :'''Serge''': No, Igor. ''You'' stay and watch monkeys, and ''I'' get us coffee. :'''Igor''': Nyet! Monkeys watch you, I GET COFFEE! :''[Cut to inside the diner, both men are drinking coffee and eating donuts; their train is in the view of the window, as the monkeys climb out and on top of the train]'' :'''Serge''': You know, I think coffee's better in St. Petersburg. :'''Igor''': Nyet. It is better in Kiev. :'''Serge''': No. It's better in St. Petersburg. :'''Igor''': Nothing is better in St. Petersburg! :''[While the men argue over coffee, the monkeys commandeer the train, and were able to move it. Serge does a "spit-take"]'' :'''Serge''': Look! The train! :''[The men rush out, bumping over tables and other customers]'' :'''Serge''': Let me out! Stop! :''[While the men continue shouting, the train races off in the distance. One of the monkeys driving the train puts on an engineer's cap and smiles. After it passes a "Danger, Slow Curve" sign, it derailed, crashing into the forest. Before we fade out, one of the monkeys climb out, bewildered]'' <hr width=50%> :''[In the midnight, where Didi is reading a bedtime story to Tommy]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': And then the wizard looked down at the little boy and said: "your wish has been granted". And the little boy looked... :''[Dil starts crying again]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Deed! Help! :'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be back, sweetie. :''[Stu holds Dil at his crib]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': All I did was cough, Deed. I tried not to, but I had a feeling in my throat. And then I coughed! And now he's crying! ''[Dil hiccups]'' And now he's got the hiccups! :''[Stu sobs]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Oh, Stu. :''[Didi places a baby pacifier into Stu's mouth. Didi cranks a baby mobile; Stu spits out the pacifier]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, why don't you sing Dil a lullaby? :''[Dil hiccups]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': I am too tired to sing. :'''Didi Pickles''': All right. I'll make something up. :'''Stu Pickles''': Good. <hr width=50%> :'''Stu Pickles''': ''[hearing his sons fighting]'' Excuse me, bro! My tax deductions are crying! ''[slams the door]'' :'''Drew Pickles''': ''[opens the door to drop off Angelica's roller skates]'' You can't deduct them, if you don't have any income! ''[slams the door]'' :''[Tommy and Dil are still arguing over the teddy. The other babies watch, while Chuckie is exhibiting signs of boredom]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Tommy! Dil! Boys, what are you doing?! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Ohh... :'''Stu Pickles''': Dil...let's say we give Tommy a little turn with the bear, huh? ''[tries to take the teddy bear, causing Dil to start crying loudly in tantrum]'' Or not. ''[returns the teddy bear to Dil. This stops Dil's crying, but now Tommy wails]'' Hey, champ, ''[picks him up]'' why don't you come with me for a minute? I got something to show you that's even better than your old teddy bear. <hr width=50%> :'''Stu Pickles''': You have a little brother now, and that's a big change. Big brothers got to have faith. <hr width=50%> :'''Chuckie Finster''': Tommy is not going to be happy about this. :'''Lil DeVille''': You watch. Once Dil goes back to the Baby Store, Tommy will be so happy without him. :'''Chuckie Finster''': I don't know about this. <hr width=50%> :'''Phil DeVille''': Which way to the hopsicle? :'''Tommy Pickles''': We're not going to the hopsicle! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Well, we're going somewheres! :'''United Express Driver''': Uh, pardon me, uh, pick-up from Pickles to Japan? :'''Lou Pickles''': ''[tired]'' Take it away. Take it away! :'''United Express Driver''': ''[hammers up the goat and leaves the receipt on Lou's lap]'' Yeah, have a good day. <hr width=50%> :'''Angelica Pickles''': CYNTHIA! <hr width=50%> :''[Angelica appears wearing Sherlock Holmes clothes]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': They've taken Cynthia, Spike. Come on, you're gonna be my Bloodhound. <hr width=50%> :'''Stu Pickles''': Deed, just go to the spa and relax. Pop and I are doing fine taking care of the, uh...Pop, where's the crate? :'''Lou Pickles''': Oh, the delivery folks must've come. :'''Stu Pickles''': Wow. They loaded up and everything, eh? :'''Didi Pickles''': ''[on phone]'' Stu, let me talk to Tommy. :'''Stu Pickles''': Sure, I let you talk to Tommy. Uh...Pop, uh...uhh...where are the kids? :'''Lou Pickles''': That's funny. They were here a minute ago playing in the... :'''Stu and Lou Pickles''': ''[Looks at outside]'' '''THE CRATE!!''' :'''Stu Pickles''': Uh, Honey...I'm gonna have to call you back. <hr width=50%> :''[Dil begins to grunt and grimace; his face has turned dark pink]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': Uh-oh, Tommy, I think your brother's broked again. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Oh no! Dil, are you ok? :'''Phil DeVille''': I think he's gonna explode. :'''Dil Pickles''': Poopie. :'''Tommy Pickles''': What? :'''Dil Pickles''': ''[shouts]'' POOPIE!! ''[soils himself]'' :'''Chuckie Finster, Phil DeVille, and Lil DeVille''': EWW! :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, I guess we'll have to change his diapie! :'''Phil DeVille''': What do you mean, "we"? :''[Cut back to home, where police cars and news trucks arrive on the scene]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': I can't believe you left them with your father! The man slept through [[Pearl Harbor (film)|Pearl Harbor]], for heaven's sake! :'''Lou Pickles''': I sounded the alarm as soon as I could! :''[Lieutenant Klavin, a policewoman, is there, asking the Pickles various "important" questions]'' :'''Lieutenant Klavin''': Uh, Mrs. Pickles, did your son have any enemies? :'''Didi Pickles''': Gasp...oh... :'''Lieutenant Klavin''': Uh-huh. Any underworld or mob connections? :'''Didi Pickles''': He is a baby! :''[Meanwhile, back at the forest, Tommy tries to change Dil's diaper. Tommy is powdering Dil's bottom, they all cough as the baby powder clouds up]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': The powder goes on his bottom, Tommy! :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, I'm doing the best I can. :''[Dil hits Tommy with his feet]'' :'''Dil Pickles''': Pee-pee. :''[Dil pees]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Look out! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Stop it, Dil! :'''Phil DeVille''': Get him off me! :''[Chuckie falls, then a frog jumps on his head]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Aah! Frog, frog! :''[Chuckie runs around before falling in a leaf pile. The frog then escapes]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Your brother made a frog jump on me! :'''Dil Pickles''': Stop it! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Stop it! :'''Dil Pickles''': Stop it! :'''Chuckie Finster''': You stop it! :'''Dil Pickles''': Stop it! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Stop it! :'''Tommy Pickles''': Hey guys, maybe we should stop playing around and figure out how to get home. :'''Lil DeVille''': But, Tommy, we don't even know where we are. :'''Tommy Pickles''': I know! I've got my sponsativity! :''[Tommy shows his pocket watch]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': What's a sponsativity, Tommy? :'''Phil DeVille''': Sounds yucky. :'''Tommy Pickles''': No, it's what you get for being a big brother. It's just like Okey-Dokey Jones uses when he has to find his way home. :'''Phil DeVille''': I thought that's called a crumpass. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, my dad gave it to me, and he called it a sponsativity. :'''Phil DeVille''': Where's it say to go? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, um, uh, hmm. This way. Uh... That's the way! Straight up that hill! :''[In another part of the forest, Angelica is on a paved road, being towed on her skates by Spike]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': Aah! Bad dog, bad dog! Stop! Aah! :''[They approach the scene of the mattress truck's crash, complete with tow truck and flares. Spike finds a baby pacifier on the ground and stops, but Angelica keeps going. Spike is tugged along on his leash and falls into a ditch, with Angelica landing square on a trunk of the tree. We black out, but Angelica comes to; the first thing she sees is Spike]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': You know, not all dogs go to heaven. <hr width=50%> :''[Reporter Rex Pester displays photos as he talks]'' :'''Rex Pester''': Young Tammy, Baby Dale, the twins Bill and Jill, Little Chunky, and poor sweet Amelia all vanished without a trace. I'm Rex Pester, and I'll be back with more ''Big Action News''! :'''Betty DeVille''': That's it! <hr width=50%> :'''Phil DeVille''': Thank Bob. :'''Lil DeVille''': Thank you, Bob. <hr width=50%> :'''Lil DeVille''': What's a train doing in the middle of the forest? <hr width=50%> :'''Chuckie Finster''': Hey, you guys, help me! The monkeys is trying to take Tommy's brother! :''[Pause]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': So? <hr width=50%> :'''Phil DeVille''': I didn't know she could fly. :'''Lil DeVille''': I think it's cause she's a witch. <hr width=50%> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': ''[voice over]'' So that was our big adventure! The monkeys founded their daddys and we all gots to go home and have fried bologne sandwiches! Except Dil, 'cause he gots no teeth! But if you think things went back to the way they was before, you're wrong 'cause now, thanks to Baby Dil, they was even better! ''[chuckles]'' ==Taglines== * Nap Time is Over * An adventure for anyone who's ever worn diapers. == Cast == * [[w:E.G. Daily|E.G. Daily]] as Thomas Malcolm "Tommy" Pickles * [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] as Charles Crandall Norbert "Chuckie" Finster, Jr. * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] as Phillip Richard "Phil" DeVille, Lillian Marie "Lil" DeVille and Elizabeth "Betty" DeVille * [[w:Cheryl Chase|Cheryl Chase]] as Angelica Charlotte Pickles * [[w:Cree Summer|Cree Summer]] as Susanna Yvonne "Susie" Carmichael * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] as Dylan Prescott "Dil" Pickles * [[w:Jack Riley (actor)|Jack Riley]] as Stuart Louis "Stu" Pickles * [[w:Melanie Chartoff|Melanie Chartoff]] as Diane "Didi" Pickles and Minka Kropotkin * [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] as Charles Norbert "Chas" Finster, Sr., Andrew "Drew" Pickles and Boris Kropotkin * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] as Howard "Howie" DeVille and Igor * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] as Charlotte Pickles * [[w:Joe Alaskey|Joe Alaskey]] as Grandpa Louis Pickles * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Spike, Scar Snout and Circus Monkeys * [[w:Abraham Benrubi|Abraham Benrubi]] as Sergei * [[Whoopi Goldberg]] as Ranger Margaret * [[David Spade]] as Ranger Frank * [[w:Tim Curry|Tim Curry]] as Rex Pester * [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] as United Express Driver == External links == * {{IMDb title|0134067}} {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rugrats Movie, The}} [[Category:1998 films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:American animated film series]] [[Category:American animated adventure films]] [[Category:American animated comedy films]] [[Category:American animated musical films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Animated films about missing people]] [[Category:Films about pregnancy]] blkih9gcl6ajhw16kojjcdjrmkgrv0o 3944656 3944655 2026-05-23T23:51:21Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944656 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Rugrats Movie|The Rugrats Movie]]''''' is a [[w:1998 in film|1998]] [[American]] [[w:Animated|animated]] [[w:Musical fim|musical]] [[w:Comedy-drama film|comedy-drama film]] produced by [[w:Nickelodeon Movies|Nickelodeon Movies]]. Based on the popular 1990s animated [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]] series ''[[Rugrats]]'', this film introduces Tommy's baby brother Dil Pickles and focuses on their relationship. '''''[[w:Rugrats in Paris: The Movie|Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]''''' was released as a sequel in [[w:2000 in film|2000]]. :''Directed by [[w:Igor Kovalyov|Igor Kovalyov]]. Written by [[w:David N. Weiss|David N. Weiss]].'' {{center|'''Nap Time is Over'''([[The Rugrats Movie#Taglines|taglines]])}} ==Thomas Malcolm "Tommy" Pickles== * We're off the see the lizard! * Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of yum! ==Rex Pester== * Young Tammy, Baby Dale, the twins Bill and Jill, Little Chunky, and poor Amelia all vanished without a trace. I'm Rex Pester and I'll be back with more Big Action News. ==Dialogue== :''[First lines; The camera is in a jungle and moves in the direction of a mountain in which there is a hidden temple surrounded with Reptar statues like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back|Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back]]''' and '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]'''. The babies climb the cliff and are at the cave's entrance. The temple is dark and gloomy inside, as we are there, looking towards the outside, as the babies race in. Once in the cave, Chuckie stops.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': This place gives me the juice bumps. ''[A group of bats fly out of the mouth of one of the Reptar statues.]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Maybe we should go back. :'''Lil DeVille''': Very back! :'''Tommy Pickles''': No! We can't go back now, you guys! Okey-Dokey Jones never goes back! ''[The Rugrats move near a door-shaped like Angelica's head. They act surprised. Inside the "mouth" is a bright, orange-colored light.]'' Hang on to your diapies, babies, we're goin' in! :'''Chuckie Finster''': ''[voice over]'' That's Tommy Pickles. He's the bravest baby I ever knowed! ''[As Chuckie Finster talks, Tommy Pickles races toward the door. As he gets there, the door slams, while he raced in there once it's open, and after he enters, it slams shut again. Phil and Lil look surprised.]'' And that's Phil and Lil. Uh, uh, well, they--they like worms. ''[Phil DeVille and Lil DeVille hold hands and rush in through the door, which closed behind them.]'' And I'm Chuckie. Uh... I'm not so brave. ''[Chuckie is hesitant to enter, but is whipped in by Tommy Pickles.]'' But that's okay, 'cause I got Tommy, and he's my bestest friend. ''[giggles]'' ''[The babies run to a tower on which is perched an idol. They climb the tower to reach the idol. While trying to take the statuette, the idol becomes a banana split and a trap is released, causing the babies to fall back to the ground.]'' Watch out! ''[Tommy gasped. A huge boulder ball starts rolling toward them. The babies scream and run like the wind as they try escape the boulder ball.]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': Keep moving! :'''Phil DeVille''': It's right behind us! ''[Suddenly, the floor opens itself in front of them. Tommy Pickles, Phil DeVille and Lil DeVille make the jump, but Chuckie misses his, hanging on the brink like a earthquake (a la Boulder chase in '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', and '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back|Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back]]''').]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Tommy! Help me! :'''Tommy Pickles''': Come on, Chuckie! ''[Back to reality: The boulder ball was Didi's pregnant stomach.]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Tommy! ''[The babies scream and run away.]'' You kids shouldn't be playing in here! ''[The babies run away at full speed.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': ''[voice over]'' We thought the fun times would last forever. ''[The Rugrats run face-first into glass patio door, then fall over.]'' But we were wrong! :'''Didi Pickles''': Oh, my. ''[Betty DeVille holds onto Didi as she picks Tommy up.]'' :'''Betty DeVille''': Upsy-daisy, Didi. :'''Didi Pickles''': Thanks. <hr width=50%> :''[Betty DeVille opens the patio door and let the babies go out. The grown-ups are having a baby shower for Didi.]'' :'''Susie Carmichael''': Thank you for inviting me to your baby shower, Mrs. Pickles. ''[Camera zooms out for a panoramic shot of the whole party.]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Glad you could be here, Susie. :'''Woman Quest #1''': What a pretty party dress, Angelica. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Thank you. My mommy's assistant bought it especially for my Aunt Didi's party. ''[Susie laughs while making fun of Angelica's dress.]'' Don't say a word. ''[Along the fence, Aunt Miriam is in front of a blackboard, taking bets on the new baby's weight.]'' :'''Aunt Miriam''': All right, I got $20 on 8 pounds, 6 ounces. 8 pounds 6. Who's got 8-7? :'''Man Guest''': I'm in for 12! :'''Aunt Miriam''': 12 pounds? What are you, crazy? :'''Chaz Finster''': Gosh, you can hardly tell she's gained any weight. ''[While turning over, Didi accidentally knocks over the table with her stomach.]'' :'''Woman Guest #2''': Oh, don't worry. :'''Chaz Finster''': I mean, you know from behind. :'''Minka''': There you are, Didila. Come. Look what we got for you. Boris, move your tuchus. :'''Didi Pickles''': A goat? Oh, Mom, you shouldn't have. :'''Minka''': Nothing better for the little bubula than goat's milk. :'''Boris''': Except maybe yak. But you try finding good yak these days. ''[The babies run and bump into the goat and it bleats.]'' He's saying, "Hello". There you go, kinderwund, some chocolate coins. ''[The babies take the coins and hide their selves under the table.]'' :'''Woman Quest #3''': Everything I, oh... ''[On way to table, Chuckie clumsily bumps into the ladies, they all gasp, and pan to bottom of table.]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Aren't you going to eat it, Tommy? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Nope. I'm saving it for my baby sister. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Oh, you mean, she finally came? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Not yet, but they're giving her this big party, so I'm pretty sure today's the day. :'''Lil DeVille''': Do you think she got losted on her way to the party? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Hmm, I don't know. Maybe we better go look for her. Come on! ''[The babies climb out from under the table.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Uh, but, Tommy, she could be anywhere. ''[Chuckie accidentally bumps into Didi's stomach.]'' :'''Betty DeVille''': Watch it, pups. :'''Didi Pickles''': Careful. ''[Charlotte arrives, and as per usual, she's talking to Jonathan on her cell phone.]'' :'''Charlotte Pickles''': ''[on phone]'' I'll get back to you, Jonathan. I've got to say "hi" to the life of the party. ''[to Didi]'' How's our little man? :'''Didi Pickles''': I told you, Charlotte, Dr. Lipschitz says it's a girl. :'''Betty DeVille''': Ha! That windbag thought Phil and Lil were intestinal gas. :'''Aunt Miriam''': Face it, dolly. Riding high, it's a guy. :'''Charlotte Pickles''': You know what they say: "Born under Venus, look for a..." ''[phone rings]'' Hello? :'''Didi Pickles''': Now, now, Dr. Lipschitz is the expert. I don't see any of you with a PHD in Latin. :'''Betty DeVille''': Yeah. Pig Latin, maybe. Well, let's just hope, for Tommy's sake, it's a girl. I hate to see my pups squabbling, if they were both boys. :'''Didi Pickles''': Uh, uh, uh. Let's not do any gender stereotyping. After all, Stu and Drew are brothers, and they get along just fine. <hr width=50%> :''[Inside the basement, where Stu Pickles and Drew Pickles are arguing angrily. Stu Pickles is working on his latest invention to enter in a contest]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Pushy! :'''Drew Pickles''': Lazy! :'''Stu Pickles''': Bossy! :'''Drew Pickles''': Inconsiderate! :'''Stu Pickles''': Nosy! :'''Drew Pickles''': Good for nothing! :'''Stu Pickles''': Busybody! :'''Stu Pickles and Drew Pickles''': Why can't you listen to me?! :'''Drew Pickles''': We're talking about a real job, Stu, with benefits! :'''Stu Pickles''': I'm not going to waste my life as a clock-punching, paper-shoving, bean-counting... ''[gasps in shock]'' Oh, no offense. :'''Drew Pickles''': You barely make ends meet now! You've got no insurance, no savings, and another kid on the way! :'''Stu Pickles''': For your information, bro, I'm working on something that is going to put this branch of the Pickles Family on Easy Street! :'''Drew Pickles''': What is it this time, huh? An electric sponge? :'''Stu Pickles''': Of course not! That was last year. This is the Reptar Wagon! The ultimate in toddler transportation! The perfect children's toy! :'''Lou Pickles''': In my day, we had plenty of fun just throwing rocks at each other. Big bag of dirt clods, that's what the kids want. :'''Stu Pickles''': The Reptar Corporation is holding a toy design contest, and the winner gets $500! :'''Drew Pickles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh! :'''Stu Pickles''': And there'll be plenty more if this toy's a hit, and I'll be famous! :'''Drew Pickles''': Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you said when you built that stupid thing. ''[Drew points to a Dactar glider, which is hanging suspended from the ceiling.]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Maybe Dactar was a little bit complex, but... this... this...watch! ''[speaking into a microphone with his normal voice]'' I am Reptar! Hear me roar! :'''Reptar Wagon''': ''[Stu's voice, distorted]'' I am Reptar! Hear me roar! ''[The Reptar Wagon spits fire across the garage. Drew jumps out of the way while Stu runs up and puts the fire out with his extinguisher.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Conflammit! Can't a guy get any work done without getting barbecued?! :'''Stu Pickles''': Okay, so maybe real fire isn't the best idea for a children's toy. ''[Drew's shirt is smoldering as he glares at Stu, who quickly sprays him with the fire extinguisher.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Inside Tommy's room, which was remodeled for the new baby. One side is blue, for Tommy's side, which has a Dummi-bear bed, a "Smile!" poster and a trunk with smiles painted all over, the new baby's side is pink, with a crib festooned with balloons and an "It's a girl!" banner on the wall. The babies enter the room to their amazement.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Tommy, somebody's been coloring your room. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Yep, it's for my new sister. :'''Phil DeVille''': How are we going to find her, Tommy? :'''Chuckie Finster''': Tommy, somebody's been coloring your room. :'''Lil DeVille''': Well, she's a girl like me, so we know she'll be prettyful. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Oh, brother. You dumb babies got a lot to learn about the facts of life. Now, get out of the way! I've got to get to the dessert table, before the grownups get the good stuff. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Can you help us find my sister, Angelica? :'''Angelica Pickles''': I wouldn't be in such a big hurry if I was you, Tommy, because when the new baby gets here, she's going to get all the toys, and the love, and the attention. And your mommy and daddy will forget all about you. It'll be like, "Look, Deed... there's that little bald kid in the house again." :'''Tommy Pickles''': My mommy and daddy won't forget me. :'''Angelica Pickles''': That's what Spike said before you were born. Back when his name was Paul. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Paul? :'''Angelica Pickles''': Yeah, but, then you came along, and they put him out in the rain and he turned into a dog. :'''Tommy Pickles''': That's not going to happen to me, Angelica. My mommy and daddy will love me, no matter what! :'''Susie Carmichael''': A baby is very neat; a baby is a special treat. :'''Angelica Pickles''': Ugh! Who does Susie Carmichael think she is?! ''[Angelica leaves while the babies watch from inside, and All are singing, unless specified. Angelica is next to Didi's belly, chuckling, as she plans to make her move.]'' :'''Susie Carmichael''': A baby has lots of toes, a baby has a tiny nose. / A baby is a little dickens, a baby is a cuddly chicken. / A baby is lots of joy. :'''Angelica Pickles''': A baby will get all the toys! :'''Susie Carmichael''': What are you doing? A baby has a smiley face... :'''Angelica Pickles''': A baby is from outside space! :'''Susie Carmichael''': Angelica! :'''Angelica Pickles''': Susie! :'''Susie Carmichael''': A baby is extra fancy. :'''Angelica Pickles''': A baby poops in his pantsies! :'''Susie Carmichael''': Cut it out! :'''Angelica Pickles''': No! :'''Susie Carmichael''': Like a birdie, singing in a tree! ''[Music switches to a Tejano beat, using different arrangement, and the babies climb outside to watch.]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': More like Reptar, screaming in your ear! ''[points at Tommy Pickles]'' :'''Angelica and Susie''': A baby is a gift, a gift from a Bob! A baby is a gift from a Bob, Bob, Bob! A baby is a gift. ''[Angelica does a gagging gesture.]'' :''[Cut to under a table, where the babies have crawled underneath. Tommy and Chuckie are talking, while music continues under.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Do you really think babies are a gift from a Bob? :'''Tommy Pickles''': I don't know. Why? :'''Chuckie Finster''': Because if Bob bringed a gift, it's probably one of them. ''[Points to the baby shower gifts on a nearby table, return to Angelica Pickles and Susie Carmichael, though the Tejano flavor remains.]'' :'''Susie Carmichael''': A baby is very special. :'''Angelica Pickles''': A baby is...is...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'''Didi Pickles''': Betty, it's time! :'''Betty DeVille''': It's time? Oh, boy. Everyone, to your stations! ''[to Howard]'' Howard, get Stu! ''[to Charlotte]'' Charlotte, call the hospital! Deed, start your breathing. Come on, good girl. ''[Didi begins her rhythmic breathing. The other grownups pick up the babies.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Up we go, sprout. We got a Pickle to deliver. :'''Howard DeVille''': Let's go to the car, kids. ''[During the rush, the goat has broken loose and is destroying the party. While the goat destroys things, it sets off the sprinkler system.]'' :'''Charlotte Pickles''': Would somebody turn that sprinkler off? ''[The goat comes inside, dragging a chair on his leg. Lou Pickles and Tommy Pickles look on.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Now, that's what I call a "baby shower!" <hr width=50%> :''[Outside the "Lipschitz Maternity Arts Building", 3 cars race to the front entrance. Inside the hospital, looking at a bank of monitors with Dr. Lipschitz's image on each monitor.]'' :'''Dr. Lipschitz''': ''[on monitors]'' Welcome to the Werner P. Lipschitz Center for Holistic Birthing, offering the modern parent the state of the art in primitive birth alternatives. :'''Nurse''': Oh, Mrs. Pickles! You weren't due till next week, now, dear. Geez, well, I guess we could try and squeeze you in somewhere, huh? :'''Didi Pickles''': But Dr. Lipschitz promised us the all-natural Zen experience in the Tibetan terrace room! :'''Boris''': In my day, a woman just dropped her baby in the potato field, and kept going. :'''Nurse''': Ah, yes. The Old Country Room. :'''Didi Pickles''': Do you have anything a little cleaner? :'''Nurse''': Well, we could try the Aquatic Emersion Room. :'''Minka''': ''[after seeing the "Aquatic Emersion Room"]'' She having a baby! Not a gefilte fish! :'''Dr. Lucy Carmichael''': Oh! Stu, Didi, Randy called to say you were on your way. ''[laughs]'' I didn't realize you were bringing' the whole party! How far are the pains, hon? :'''Stu Pickles''': Oh, they are pretty much constant. :'''Dr. Lucy Carmichael''': Okay, Didi, let's go and get you settled in, huh? ''[The babies are placed in a playpen.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Here you go, sprout. :'''Didi Pickles''': Don't worry, sweetie, mommy's going to be okay. ''[Grown-ups leave; Didi Pickles continues her breathing exercises. Lou Pickles and Boris sit nearby, preparing to play cards.]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Oh, gosh, Tommy, your mommy sure seems upset. :'''Lil DeVille''': Maybe your baby sister really is losted. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Whoa! Maybe we can buy her a new one. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Where're we going to find a baby in a place like this? ''[Pull away to reveal several doctors walking around, carrying babies. The babies, in the usual fashion, break out of the playpen, and crawl out without being caught by Lou Pickles and Boris, who are too busy playing "Fish".]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': You got any queens? :'''Boris''': Go fish! :''[The babies enter the newborns' nursery.]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Hey, a baby store. :'''Lil DeVille''': Nice and wiggly. :'''Tommy Pickles''': You guys, help me pick one my mom will like. :''[The song "This World is Something New to Me" begins as babies cry and Chuckie Finster looked at the robotic camera as it moves, causing him to step on one of the light switches on the floor. For your convenience, the newborns' lines will be identified by the artist singing it.]'' :'''Lisa Loeb''': Where am I? :'''B Real''': How did I get here? :'''Patti Smith''': Things look different than yesterday. :'''Lou Rawls''': So this is the world? :'''Laurie Anderson''': I miss my old womb. :'''Gordon Gano''': The wallpaper here just ain't the same. :'''Fred Schneider''': ''[hides under a blanket]'' This world is something strange. :'''Lisa Loeb''': I'm wet. :'''Phife Dawg''': ''[wrapped in a blanket]'' I'm cold! :'''Lenny Kravitz''': ''[waggles his diaper]'' I need a change! :'''Newborn Babies''': ''[tossing their blankets in air]'' This world is something new to me. :'''Phife Dawg''': Oh, my head! What is this? I can't take it! :'''Dawn Robinson''': ''[on an adjacent monitor]'' Me either! :''[Robotic camera zooms in on next baby.]'' :'''Beck''': I'm hungry. :'''Lou Rawls''': I'm tired. :'''Jakob Dylan''': ''[pounds a crib floor to make a pacifier bounce]'' I'm irritated! :'''Lou Rawls''': ''[moves his legs]'' But I love the extra leg room. :'''Patti Smith''': ''[points to her bellybutton]'' Man! They cut my cord! :'''Iggy Pop''': ''[Looks in his diaper]'' Oh oho, consider yourself lucky! :'''B-Real''': This world is way too big! ''[camera zooms out to reveal the whole nursery]'' :'''Iggy Pop''': ''[baby points at Chuckie Finster, who's pressing his face against the glass]'' And populated by fuzzy pigs. :'''Newborn Babies''': This world is something new to me. :'''Fred Schneider''': This world is such a gas. ''[farts, causing his diaper to inflate.]'' :'''Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson''': P.U., where's your class? :'''Newborn Babies''': This world is something new to me. ''[2 baby carriers collide with each other as the Rugrats push them around.]'' :'''Beck''': Quiet! Can't a guy get some shuteye?! ''[The camera zooms in on his eye.]'' :'''Patti Smith''': It’s so noisy in here! :'''Iggy Pop''': I can barely hear myself suck! ''[he grabs a bottle from Chuckie and chugs it down.]'' :'''Jakob Dylan''': The food here tastes pretty good. :'''Phife Dawg''': My compliments to the chef. :'''Dawn Robinson''': And you got to holler to get fed. :'''Lou Rawls''': But I could get used to that. ''[The babies cry, Chuckie Finster falls on floor onto a light switch.]'' :'''Lisa Loeb''': This world is way too bright. :'''Beck''': Can't somebody turn down the light? :'''Gordon Gano''': ''[looks inside his diaper]'' So that's what that thing looks like. :'''Jakob Dylan''': All things here are meant for play, ''[Throws a pacifier; robotic camera follows it.]'' :'''Fred Schneider''': It's going to be a real cool day. :'''Newborn Babies''': ♪This world is something new to me.♪ ''[One of the newborns screams. The newborns pee in the air to make a fountain. One of the babies sing Ba-da-bu-bu-bu-bu-bu. Baby boy: "Real cool", Phil DeVille and Chuckie look up at the circle-shaped light while gasping as another one sings, "La-la-la-la!" and a rainbow from the musical number forms from the "fountain".) This world is something new to me. :''[Robotic camera retracts and monitor shuts off as number ends. Lou Pickles and Boris enter the nursery.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': There you are! :'''Boris''': Oy, gevalt! You kinder gave my ticker such a scare! ''[While the newborns cry, Lou Pickles grunts as he picks the babies up and leave the nursery with Boris. As they leave, we pan to the ceiling where all the lights are turned out and the rainbow is fading away.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Inside Didi's room. Apparently, the room she has chosen is the usual, ordinary birthing room. Didi's rhythmic breathing continues, though it's now at a faster pace. The staff work on Didi while Dr. Lucy gives orders.]'' :'''Dr. Lucy Carmichael''': All right, Didi, you can do it. Push now! Have we got a good reading on the EFM?! :''[Didi screams. We cut to what seems to be a graphic representation of a baby being born, from a baby's point of view inside Didi's body. In order, we see a blast of blue light, a group of planets, a school of fish mingling in aquatic plant life, frogs, dinosaurs, dolphins and monkeys, Stonehenge, the sphinx, and pyramids, atoms and finally, bright light, all of them rendered in CGI. These items zoom by while the baby is being born.]'' :'''Dr. Lucy Carmichael''': Here it comes! Gorgeous! :'''Stu Pickles''': Oh, Didi, she's so beautiful. She's... ''[The baby starts crying very softly.]'' she's a boy! :''[The baby's eyes are now in focus.]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Hello, my wonderful, sweet baby boy. :''[Didi Pickles placed her finger on her lips as she looked at Stu Pickles, who looked back at her and smiles as the baby closed his eyes, continuing to cry while being handed to Didi Pickles. Switch back to audience's point of view, where we now see the new baby in Didi's arms hiccupping. He's wrapped in a blue blanket. Stu wipes the tears from his eyes as Didi lets him grab her finger.]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Well, I guess we won't be naming him after my mother. :'''Didi Pickles''': He doesn't look much like a Trixie. What about my cousin Dylan? :'''Stu Pickles''': Dylan Prescott Pickles. Hmm. ''[The nurse is writing down the name, as the baby is sucking on Didi's finger.]'' :'''Nurse''': Dil Pickles. ''[Stu Pickles and Didi Pickles hear what the nurse said and realize what a great name it is.]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Yeah... I like it. ''[Stu Pickles and Didi Pickles look at their new son Dil, who looks up at his father and smiles at him. Lou takes Tommy Pickles into Didi's room.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': Here you go, sprout. :''[Tommy Pickles took his chocolate coin out of his diaper and gives it to Dr. Lucy, who looks at it and smiles at Tommy Pickles as he's handed to Stu, who placed him on Didi's bed so he could see Dil Pickles.]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Tommy, I want you to meet someone very special. This is your brother, Dylan. Dil, this is Tommy. ''[Dil, sucking on a pacifier, looks at Tommy Pickles.]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': ''[gasps in wonder]'' Baby... ''[he reaches a handout]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': See? They already love each other. :''[Dil Pickles hiccups before he pulls Tommy's nose. Tommy Pickles shakes his head until Dil Pickles lets go of him. Tommy Pickles starts wailing. This in turn causes Dil Pickles to start crying and wailing!]'' :'''Betty DeVille''': ''[to Chaz]'' Well, that's a start. :''[Cut to exterior of the Pickles' house. A gong sounds. Dil's crying is heard from inside. Cut to the foyer, where Stu Pickles, in his bathrobe, is comforting Dil Pickles, pacing back and forth, couldn't get any sleep for 4 weeks. Cut to the kitchen, where the kitchen is a big mess. Didi Pickles, also in her bathrobe, is literally sleeping in the kitchen sink, among the suds. Stu came to the kitchen with Dil Pickles.]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Didi, what are we going to do? He hasn't stopped crying since we brought him home! ''[We pan to the four babies watching from their playpen, understandably annoyed by Dil's crying]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': ''[covering his ears]'' Somehow, it's not as much fun around here anymore. :'''Chuckie Finster''': Yeah! What's your brother so sad about? :'''Tommy Pickles''': I don't know! But whatever it is, it must be really bad. :'''Lil DeVille''': Maybe he's broked! :'''Tommy Pickles''': What?! :'''Phil DeVille and Lil DeVille''': ''''BROKED!'''' ''[A monkey's head on a cymbal doll that Lil was holding pops off.]'' :'''Tommy Pickles''': Broked? ''[Didi Pickles walks by carrying a still-crying Dil Pickles over her shoulder. Stu Pickles follows, holding up a green stuffed bunny in an attempt to get Dil Pickles to stop crying, but to no avail]'' He's not broked! He's, uhh... just a little loud! ''[Even Angelica can't stand Dil's crying.]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': Oh, that baby's getting on my nerves! :''[She angrily slams the door. Grandpa is in his chair, sleeping as a fishing show is seen. The goat is next to him, also sleeping. Angelica Pickles changes the channel and turns up the volume. The first thing she sees is a commercial. Caption: "Coming Soon". The commercial featured monkeys and two ringmasters in a circus ring.]'' :'''Circus TV Announcer''': Direct from Moscow, the Banana Brothers Monkey Circus! Featuring the most amazing monkeys since Brezhnev! This is real monkey business, so Trotsky on down. The Banana Brothers Monkey Circus! ''[Circus logo slides into view.]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': GRANDPA! Can we go to the circus? ''[The goat bumps into the armchair's back.]'' :'''Lou Pickles''': No! We've had enough of a circus here already! <hr width=50%> :''[Outside the train, which pulls into a station, as the engine blows its whistle and arrives on time. 2 men, Serge and Igor, leave the engine's cab.]'' :'''Igor''': ''[gets off the circus train]'' Serge, you stay here and watch monkeys. I get us coffee. :'''Serge''': No, Igor. ''You'' stay and watch monkeys, and ''I'' get us coffee. :'''Igor''': Nyet! Monkeys watch you, I GET COFFEE! :''[Cut to inside the diner, both men are drinking coffee and eating donuts; their train is in the view of the window, as the monkeys climb out and on top of the train]'' :'''Serge''': You know, I think coffee's better in St. Petersburg. :'''Igor''': Nyet. It is better in Kiev. :'''Serge''': No. It's better in St. Petersburg. :'''Igor''': Nothing is better in St. Petersburg! :''[While the men argue over coffee, the monkeys commandeer the train, and were able to move it. Serge does a "spit-take"]'' :'''Serge''': Look! The train! :''[The men rush out, bumping over tables and other customers]'' :'''Serge''': Let me out! Stop! :''[While the men continue shouting, the train races off in the distance. One of the monkeys driving the train puts on an engineer's cap and smiles. After it passes a "Danger, Slow Curve" sign, it derailed, crashing into the forest. Before we fade out, one of the monkeys climb out, bewildered]'' <hr width=50%> :''[In the midnight, where Didi is reading a bedtime story to Tommy]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': And then the wizard looked down at the little boy and said: "your wish has been granted". And the little boy looked... :''[Dil starts crying again]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Deed! Help! :'''Didi Pickles''': I'll be back, sweetie. :''[Stu holds Dil at his crib]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': All I did was cough, Deed. I tried not to, but I had a feeling in my throat. And then I coughed! And now he's crying! ''[Dil hiccups]'' And now he's got the hiccups! :''[Stu sobs]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Oh, Stu. :''[Didi places a baby pacifier into Stu's mouth. Didi cranks a baby mobile; Stu spits out the pacifier]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': Stu, why don't you sing Dil a lullaby? :''[Dil hiccups]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': I am too tired to sing. :'''Didi Pickles''': All right. I'll make something up. :'''Stu Pickles''': Good. <hr width=50%> :'''Stu Pickles''': ''[hearing his sons fighting]'' Excuse me, bro! My tax deductions are crying! ''[slams the door]'' :'''Drew Pickles''': ''[opens the door to drop off Angelica's roller skates]'' You can't deduct them, if you don't have any income! ''[slams the door]'' :''[Tommy and Dil are still arguing over the teddy. The other babies watch, while Chuckie is exhibiting signs of boredom]'' :'''Stu Pickles''': Tommy! Dil! Boys, what are you doing?! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Ohh... :'''Stu Pickles''': Dil...let's say we give Tommy a little turn with the bear, huh? ''[tries to take the teddy bear, causing Dil to start crying loudly in tantrum]'' Or not. ''[returns the teddy bear to Dil. This stops Dil's crying, but now Tommy wails]'' Hey, champ, ''[picks him up]'' why don't you come with me for a minute? I got something to show you that's even better than your old teddy bear. <hr width=50%> :'''Stu Pickles''': You have a little brother now, and that's a big change. Big brothers got to have faith. <hr width=50%> :'''Chuckie Finster''': Tommy is not going to be happy about this. :'''Lil DeVille''': You watch. Once Dil goes back to the Baby Store, Tommy will be so happy without him. :'''Chuckie Finster''': I don't know about this. <hr width=50%> :'''Phil DeVille''': Which way to the hopsicle? :'''Tommy Pickles''': We're not going to the hopsicle! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Well, we're going somewheres! :'''United Express Driver''': Uh, pardon me, uh, pick-up from Pickles to Japan? :'''Lou Pickles''': ''[tired]'' Take it away. Take it away! :'''United Express Driver''': ''[hammers up the goat and leaves the receipt on Lou's lap]'' Yeah, have a good day. <hr width=50%> :'''Angelica Pickles''': CYNTHIA! <hr width=50%> :''[Angelica appears wearing Sherlock Holmes clothes]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': They've taken Cynthia, Spike. Come on, you're gonna be my Bloodhound. <hr width=50%> :'''Stu Pickles''': Deed, just go to the spa and relax. Pop and I are doing fine taking care of the, uh...Pop, where's the crate? :'''Lou Pickles''': Oh, the delivery folks must've come. :'''Stu Pickles''': Wow. They loaded up and everything, eh? :'''Didi Pickles''': ''[on phone]'' Stu, let me talk to Tommy. :'''Stu Pickles''': Sure, I let you talk to Tommy. Uh...Pop, uh...uhh...where are the kids? :'''Lou Pickles''': That's funny. They were here a minute ago playing in the... :'''Stu and Lou Pickles''': ''[Looks at outside]'' '''THE CRATE!!''' :'''Stu Pickles''': Uh, Honey...I'm gonna have to call you back. <hr width=50%> :''[Dil begins to grunt and grimace; his face has turned dark pink]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': Uh-oh, Tommy, I think your brother's broked again. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Oh no! Dil, are you ok? :'''Phil DeVille''': I think he's gonna explode. :'''Dil Pickles''': Poopie. :'''Tommy Pickles''': What? :'''Dil Pickles''': ''[shouts]'' POOPIE!! ''[soils himself]'' :'''Chuckie Finster, Phil DeVille, and Lil DeVille''': EWW! :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, I guess we'll have to change his diapie! :'''Phil DeVille''': What do you mean, "we"? :''[Cut back to home, where police cars and news trucks arrive on the scene]'' :'''Didi Pickles''': I can't believe you left them with your father! The man slept through [[Pearl Harbor (film)|Pearl Harbor]], for heaven's sake! :'''Lou Pickles''': I sounded the alarm as soon as I could! :''[Lieutenant Klavin, a policewoman, is there, asking the Pickles various "important" questions]'' :'''Lieutenant Klavin''': Uh, Mrs. Pickles, did your son have any enemies? :'''Didi Pickles''': Gasp...oh... :'''Lieutenant Klavin''': Uh-huh. Any underworld or mob connections? :'''Didi Pickles''': He is a baby! :''[Meanwhile, back at the forest, Tommy tries to change Dil's diaper. Tommy is powdering Dil's bottom, they all cough as the baby powder clouds up]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': The powder goes on his bottom, Tommy! :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, I'm doing the best I can. :''[Dil hits Tommy with his feet]'' :'''Dil Pickles''': Pee-pee. :''[Dil pees]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': Look out! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Stop it, Dil! :'''Phil DeVille''': Get him off me! :''[Chuckie falls, then a frog jumps on his head]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Aah! Frog, frog! :''[Chuckie runs around before falling in a leaf pile. The frog then escapes]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': Your brother made a frog jump on me! :'''Dil Pickles''': Stop it! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Stop it! :'''Dil Pickles''': Stop it! :'''Chuckie Finster''': You stop it! :'''Dil Pickles''': Stop it! :'''Chuckie Finster''': Stop it! :'''Tommy Pickles''': Hey guys, maybe we should stop playing around and figure out how to get home. :'''Lil DeVille''': But, Tommy, we don't even know where we are. :'''Tommy Pickles''': I know! I've got my sponsativity! :''[Tommy shows his pocket watch]'' :'''Lil DeVille''': What's a sponsativity, Tommy? :'''Phil DeVille''': Sounds yucky. :'''Tommy Pickles''': No, it's what you get for being a big brother. It's just like Okey-Dokey Jones uses when he has to find his way home. :'''Phil DeVille''': I thought that's called a crumpass. :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, my dad gave it to me, and he called it a sponsativity. :'''Phil DeVille''': Where's it say to go? :'''Tommy Pickles''': Well, um, uh, hmm. This way. Uh... That's the way! Straight up that hill! :''[In another part of the forest, Angelica is on a paved road, being towed on her skates by Spike]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': Aah! Bad dog, bad dog! Stop! Aah! :''[They approach the scene of the mattress truck's crash, complete with tow truck and flares. Spike finds a baby pacifier on the ground and stops, but Angelica keeps going. Spike is tugged along on his leash and falls into a ditch, with Angelica landing square on a trunk of the tree. We black out, but Angelica comes to; the first thing she sees is Spike]'' :'''Angelica Pickles''': You know, not all dogs go to heaven. <hr width=50%> :''[Reporter Rex Pester displays photos as he talks]'' :'''Rex Pester''': Young Tammy, Baby Dale, the twins Bill and Jill, Little Chunky, and poor sweet Amelia all vanished without a trace. I'm Rex Pester, and I'll be back with more ''Big Action News''! :'''Betty DeVille''': That's it! <hr width=50%> :'''Phil DeVille''': Thank Bob. :'''Lil DeVille''': Thank you, Bob. <hr width=50%> :'''Lil DeVille''': What's a train doing in the middle of the forest? <hr width=50%> :'''Chuckie Finster''': Hey, you guys, help me! The monkeys is trying to take Tommy's brother! :''[Pause]'' :'''Phil DeVille''': So? <hr width=50%> :'''Phil DeVille''': I didn't know she could fly. :'''Lil DeVille''': I think it's cause she's a witch. <hr width=50%> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Chuckie Finster''': ''[voice over]'' So that was our big adventure! The monkeys founded their daddys and we all gots to go home and have fried bologne sandwiches! Except Dil, 'cause he gots no teeth! But if you think things went back to the way they was before, you're wrong 'cause now, thanks to Baby Dil, they was even better! ''[chuckles]'' ==Taglines== * Nap Time is Over * An adventure for anyone who's ever worn diapers. == Cast == * [[w:E.G. Daily|E.G. Daily]] as Thomas Malcolm "Tommy" Pickles * [[w:Christine Cavanaugh|Christine Cavanaugh]] as Charles Crandall Norbert "Chuckie" Finster, Jr. * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] as Phillip Richard "Phil" DeVille, Lillian Marie "Lil" DeVille and Elizabeth "Betty" DeVille * [[w:Cheryl Chase|Cheryl Chase]] as Angelica Charlotte Pickles * [[w:Cree Summer|Cree Summer]] as Susanna Yvonne "Susie" Carmichael * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] as Dylan Prescott "Dil" Pickles * [[w:Jack Riley (actor)|Jack Riley]] as Stuart Louis "Stu" Pickles * [[w:Melanie Chartoff|Melanie Chartoff]] as Diane "Didi" Pickles and Minka Kropotkin * [[w:Michael Bell (actor)|Michael Bell]] as Charles Norbert "Chas" Finster, Sr., Andrew "Drew" Pickles and Boris Kropotkin * [[w:Philip Proctor|Phil Proctor]] as Howard "Howie" DeVille and Igor * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] as Charlotte Pickles * [[w:Joe Alaskey|Joe Alaskey]] as Grandpa Louis Pickles * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] as Spike, Scar Snout and Circus Monkeys * [[w:Abraham Benrubi|Abraham Benrubi]] as Sergei * [[Whoopi Goldberg]] as Ranger Margaret * [[David Spade]] as Ranger Frank * [[w:Tim Curry|Tim Curry]] as Rex Pester * [[w:Charlie Adler|Charlie Adler]] as United Express Driver == External links == * {{IMDb title|0134067}} {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rugrats Movie, The}} [[Category:1998 films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:American animated film series]] [[Category:American animated adventure films]] [[Category:American animated comedy films]] [[Category:American animated musical films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Animated films about missing people]] [[Category:Films about pregnancy]] 5cvb1cawt0wayjd97rb35a41xcmvn92 0 121694 3944517 3794634 2026-05-23T16:31:20Z TheNewKindAdaptableKayak 3101673 3944517 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Curious George (film)|Curious George]]''''' is a 2006 [[w:traditional animation|traditionally]]-[[w:animated film|animated]] [[w:film adaptation|film adaptation]] of the [[w:Curious George|children's stories]] about the Man in the Yellow Hat who is an oddball museum employee who looks after his pet monkey, an inquisitive and wonderful creature whose enthusiasm often gets the best of him. '''''[[w:Curious George 2: Follow That Monkey!|Curious George 2: Follow That Monkey!]]''''' was a direct-to-video sequel in [[w:2009 in home video|2009]]. :''Directed by [[w:Matthew O'Callaghan|Matthew O'Callaghan]]. Written by Ken Kaufman, based on the [[w:Curious George|book series]] written by [[w:H. A. Rey|H. A. Rey]] and [[w:Margret Rey|Margret Rey]].'' {{center/s}}'''Get Carried Away With The Cutest Little Monkey Around!'''{{center/e}} ==Dialogue== :'''Cab Driver''': Where you going, Yellow? :'''Ted''': Bloomsberry Museum, please. I'll give you 10 bucks extra if you'll stop calling me Yellow. :'''Cab Driver''': You got it, Sunshine. <hr width=50%> :''[The kids start talking at once]'' :'''Maggie''': Children... :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': Okay, you know what? ''[sees the [[George Washington]] statue]'' His name's Washington. :'''Kid''': Man, that's a dumb name! :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': Then call him George! How's that? Happy now? :'''Maggie''': Oh, I like George. <hr width=50%> :''[Ted drives up to the docks]'' :'''Ted''': ''[the boat with George in it is already leaving]'' Oh, no! I'm too late. Or ''am'' I? Luckily, movies have taught me exactly what to do in this situation. Kids, don't try this at home. ''[starts driving full speed toward the pier where the boat left]'' Here we go! ''[breaks through the pier gate and goes flying onto the boat]'' What am I doing? This isn't a movie. IT'S REAL!!! ''[the car splashes into a pool on the boat]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Bloomsberry''': We'll be cutting through heavy brush for 12 hours a day. <hr width=50%> :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': Please, just go! Do you understand? :''[George grabs on Ted's leg]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': His "enormous idol" looks like it came out of a cereal box! :'''Junior''': Wow, that must be a huge box of cereal, or... :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': It's only 3 inches tall! <hr width=50%> :'''Clovis''': I should hope so, because that is a lot of yellow for one man. :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': You see it's... I thought you were color-blind. :'''Clovis''': I can see ''that.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Miss. Plushbottom''': ''[singing operatically] Yoooou... aaaare... FIREEED!'' :'''Painter #1''': Hey, she fired us in song. :'''Painter #2''': It still ''hurts!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Bloomsberry''': ''[to Junior]'' Nonsense. We promised the people something awe-inspiring, and we're giving it to them, thanks to Ted and George. ''[to Ted]'' I knew you wouldn't let me down. :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': Well, sir, I've got to tell you, I came pretty close. :'''Mr. Bloomsberry''': No, no, Ted, I am so proud of you. You're like the son I never had. :'''Junior''': Father, I'm your son, remember? :'''Mr. Bloomsberry''': Yes, but I had you. ''[to Ted]'' Ted, this is amazing. :'''Junior''': ''[sighs, jealous of Ted]'' Yes, of course. What was I thinking? <hr width=50%> :'''Ivan''': ''[with a thick Russian accent]'' If I find pet, you are "ewicted." :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': E-what-ed? :'''Ivan''': E-vic-ted! <hr width=50%> :'''Receptionist''': Animal Control Hotline. How can we help you? :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': I need you to come to the Bloomsbury Institute right away. There's a very dangerous monkey. :'''Receptionist''': Can you describe dangerous, sir? :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': Well, he's frothing at the mouth, has teeth like Ginzu knives, and-and crazy eyes. He's a killer! Listen to this. :''[makes monkey noises]'' :'''Ted, The Man with the Yellow Hat''': Hey, put down that child! Oh, the horror! ==Cast== * [[Frank Welker]] — [[w:Curious George|George]] * [[Will Ferrell]] — Ted * [[Drew Barrymore]] — Maggie * [[w:Dick Van Dyke|Dick van Dyke]] — Mr. Bloomsberry * [[David Cross]] — Junior * [[w:Eugene Levy|Eugene Levy]] — Clovis * [[w:Joan Plowright|Joan Plowright]] — Ms. Plushbottom * [[w:Ed O'Ross|Ed O'Ross]] — Ivan ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0381971}} * {{amg movie|id=292784}} * {{mojo title|curiousgeorge}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|1153951-curious_george}} * {{metacritic film|curious-george}} [[Category:2006 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] [[Category:Films directed by Matthew O'Callaghan]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] 0htpwiw0eo3ypko36hukdw0j59ldtdp 0 124133 3944486 3869082 2026-05-23T13:48:52Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944486 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Victoria Claflin Woodhull by Mathew Brady - Oval Portrait.jpg|thumb|right|I am a Free Lover. I have an inalienable, constitutional and natural right to love whom I may, to love as long or as short a period as I can; to change that love every day if I please, and with that right neither you nor any law you can frame have any right to interfere.]] '''[[w:Victoria Woodhull|Victoria Claflin Woodhull]]''', later '''Victoria Woodhull Martin''' ([[September 23]], [[1838]] – [[June 9]], [[1927]]) was an American suffragist and, in [[1872]], the first woman nominated for U.S. president. == Quotes == * Many women who would be shocked at the very thought of killing their children after birth, deliberately destroy them previously. If there is any difference in the actual crime, we should be glad to have those who practice the latter, point it out. '''The truth of the matter is that it is just as much a murder to destroy life in its embryotic condition, as it is to destroy it after the fully developed form is attained, for it is the self-same life that is taken'''... Can anyone suggest a better than to so situate woman, that she may never be obligated to conceive a life she does not desire shall be continuous? ** In an anti-abortion essay titled When Is It Not Murder to Take a Life? published in the Woodhull and Claflin's Weekly newspaper on October 8, 1870 * If Congress refuse to listen to and grant what women ask, there is but one course left then to pursue. Women have no government. Men have organized a government, and they maintain it to the utter exclusion of women.... Under such glaring inconsistencies, such unwarrantable tyranny, such unscrupulous despotism, what is there left [for] women to do but to become the mothers of the future government? There is one alternative left, and we have resolved on that. This convention is for the purpose of this declaration. As surely as one year passes from this day, and this right is not fully, frankly and unequivocally considered, we shall proceed to call another convention expressly to frame a new constitution and to erect a new government, complete in all its parts and to take measures to maintain it as effectually as men do theirs. '''We mean treason; we mean secession, and on a thousand times grander scale than was that of the south. We are plotting revolution; we will overslough this bogus republic and plant a government of righteousness in its stead, which shall not only profess to derive its power from consent of the governed but shall do so in reality.''' ** ''A Lecture on Constitutional Equality'', also known as ''The Great Secession Speech'', speech to Woman's Suffrage Convention, New York, May 11, 1871, excerpt quoted in Gabriel, Mary, ''Notorious Victoria: The Life of Victoria Woodhull, Uncensored'' (Chapel Hill, N.Car.: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 1st ed. 1998 {{ISBN|1-56512-132-5}}, pp. 86–87 & n. [13] (ellipsis or suspension points in original & "[for]" so in original) (author Mary Gabriel journalist, Reuters News Service). Also excerpted, differently, in Underhill, Lois Beachy, ''The Woman Who Ran for President: The Many Lives of Victoria Woodhull'' (Bridgehampton, N.Y.: Bridge Works, 1st ed. 1995 {{ISBN|1-882593-10-3}}, pp. 125–126 & unnumbered n. * The rights of children, then, as individuals, '''begin while yet they are in fetal life.''' Children do not come into existence by any will or consent of their own. ** In a speech "Children--Their Rights and Privileges" that led to Victoria Woodhull's election as President of the American Association of Spiritualists at their Eighth National Convention on its second day, Wednesday, September 13, 1871, at Troy, New York * Yes, I am a Free Lover. '''I have an inalienable, constitutional and natural right to love whom I may, to love as long or as short a period as I can; to change that love every day if I please, and with that right neither you nor any law you can frame have any right to interfere.''' ** [http://www.victoria-woodhull.com/prostitute.htm Speech at Steinway Hall] (November 20, 1871), New York City, New York. * Of all the horrid brutalities of our age, I know of none so horrid as those that are sanctioned and defended by marriage. Night after night, there are thousands of rapes committed, under cover of this accursed license; and millions— yes, I say it boldly, knowing whereof I speak— millions of poor, heartbroken, suffering wives are compelled to minister to the lechery of insatiable husbands, when every instinct of body and sentiment of soul revolts in loathing and disgust... '''The world has got to be startled from this pretense into realizing that there is nothing else now existing among pretendedly enlightened nations, except marriage, that invests men with the right to debauch women, sexually, against their wills, yet marriage is held to be synonymous with morality! I say, eternal damnation, sink such morality!''' ** ''Tried As By Fire, or The True and The False, Socially'', speech, 1874, quoted in Gabriel, Mary, ''Notorious Victoria: The Life of Victoria Woodhull, Uncensored'' (Chapel Hill, N.Car.: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 1st ed. 1998 {{ISBN|1-56512-132-5}}, p. 222 & n. [20] (each ellipsis or set of suspension points so in original) (author Mary Gabriel journalist, Reuters News Service), in turn as reprinted in Stern, Madeleine B., ed., ''The Victoria Woodhull Reader'' (Weston, Mass.: M&S Press, 1974). * Every woman knows that if she were free, she would never bear an unwished-for child, '''nor think of murdering one before its birth.''' ** In an article in the West Virginia Evening Standard (1875) expressing her moral opposition to abortion * Promiscuity in sexuality is simply the anarchical stage of development wherein the passions rule supreme. When spirituality comes in and rescues the real man and woman from the domain of the purely material, promiscuity is simply impossible. As promiscuity is the analogue to anarchy, so is spirituality to scientific selection and adjustment. '''I am fully persuaded that the very highest unions are those that are monogamic, and that these are perfect in proportion as they are lasting. Sexual freedom means the abolition of prostitution, both in and out of marriage; means the emancipation of woman and her coming into ownership and control of her body; means the end of her pecuniary dependence upon man, so that she may never, even seemingly, have to procure whatever she may desire or need by sexual favor; means the abrogation of forced pregnancy, of ante-natal murder of undesired children, endowed by every inherited virtue that the highest exaltation can confer at conception, by every influence for good to be obtained during gestation, and by the wisest guidance and instruction on to manhood industrially and intellectually. ** In an article in the Chicago Times on October 17, 1875 * They cannot roll back the rising tide of reform... The world moves. ** [https://www.theattic.space/home-page-blogs/woodhull The Woman Who Ran for President — in 1872]. The Attic. Retrieved July 9, 2018. == Quotes about Woodhull == * She vowed that if God gave her the strength she would resume her political campaign to overthrow the government, which was full of men not fit to be picked up out of the gutter. ** ''Reformation or Revolution, Which? or Behind the Political Scenes'', speech, Oct. 17, 1873, excerpted in Gabriel, Mary, ''Notorious Victoria: The Life of Victoria Woodhull, Uncensored'' (Chapel Hill, N.Car.: Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, 1st ed. 1998 {{ISBN|1-56512-132-5}}, pp. 220–221 & n. [13], esp. p. 221 (vow) (author Mary Gabriel journalist, Reuters News Service), in turn as reprinted in Stern, Madeleine B., ed., ''The Victoria Woodhull Reader'' (Weston, Mass.: M&S Press, 1974). * Her remedy for crime and her method of abolishing it may be comprehended in the word 'Stirpiculture,' the improvement of the human race by the application of the 'doctrine of natural selection' to the human family. '''She repudiated the notion that free-love, as ''she advocated it,'' meant ''promiscuity,'' and maintained that the inevitable result would be to prevent promiscuity, which was the curse of society now.''' ** Topeka Kansas Commonwealth, February 2, 1875 * While Woodhull's earlier radicalism had stemmed from the Christian socialism of the 1850s, for most of her life, she was involved in Spiritualism and did not use religious language in her public speeches. However, in 1875, Woodhull began publicly espousing Christianity and changed her political stances. She exposed Spiritualist frauds in her periodical, alienating her Spiritualist followers. She wrote articles against promiscuity, calling it a "curse of society". Woodhull repudiated her earlier views on free love, and began idealizing purity, motherhood, marriage, and the Bible in her writings. She even claimed that some works had been written in her name without her consent. Historians doubt Woodhull's claim in this matter. ** Victoria Woodhull's Wikipedia article, "Religious shift and repudiation of free love" * Worn out by harassment, suffering from anemia, constantly in need of money, Woodhull, to the dismay of her radical admirers, now retreated into biblical symbolism and rhapsodies on purity, motherhood, and the sanctity of marriage. ** Rugoff, Milton (2018). The Gilded Age. Newbury: New Word City, Inc. p. 221. == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.victoria-woodhull.com victoria-woodhull.com] {{DEFAULTSORT:Woodhull, Victoria}} [[Category:Politicians from Ohio]] [[Category:Socialists from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:Abolitionists]] [[Category:Labor activists]] [[Category:Orators from the United States]] [[Category:Businesswomen from the United States]] [[Category:Editors from the United States]] [[Category:Publishers from the United States]] [[Category:1838 births]] [[Category:1927 deaths]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1892]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1884]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1872]] [[Category:Women politicians in the United States]] [[Category:Women activists from the United States]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Pro-life activists]] [[Category:Free love advocates]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Women born in the 19th century]] [[Category:Christians from the United States]] [[Category:Christian feminists]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] 3uwpnz1rpbaxrmyf9f4vhtraxxgog82 0 125683 3944801 3944255 2026-05-24T10:26:24Z ~2026-17291-92 3303475 /* Remote Control */ 3944801 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} This is a list of quotes from the popular, yet cancelled animated television series ''[[w:Generator Rex|Generator Rex]]''. A video game and several chapter books were produced. The series supposedly "[[w: cliffhanger|concluded]]" with its third season, despite leaving many questions unanswered and crucial elements unresolved ''before'' the two-part Season 3 finale, ''Endgame''. ==Season One (2010-2011)== ===The Day That Everything Changed=== :'''Bobo''': Wheels or wings? :'''Rex''': Wheels, I wanna tear something up. <hr width80%> :'''Agent Six''': He just needs more training control of those emotions. :'''Dr. Holiday''': He's a teenager that's like asking you to get a different color suit! ===String Theory=== :'''Biowulf:''' Master, we had a situation at the safe house. Meecham is cured. It was Rex. :(''The camera zooms in on Van Kleiss whose expressive vindictive indeed'') ===Beyond the Sea=== :''Note'': Rex meets his [[w:love interest|love interest]] and sweetheart, Circe. :──────────────────── :'''Rex''': Don't know what you're 24/7 is, but mine is 10% OH YEAH! And 90% uhh. :──────────────────── :'''Rex:''' Outta the way! :'''Circe:''' Uh! :(''Rex and Circe both crash to the ground'') :'''Rex:''' Are you okay? Did you see that awesome save? : '''Circe:''' Sorry, I was busy trying not to get tackled by some nitwit. : '''Rex:''' Yeah? How that work out for you? And who still uses the word "nitwit"? I'm Rex. : '''Circe:''' I'm leaving. : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait! : '''Noah:''' Rex, you're up. : ──────────────────── : '''Six:''' What about the new tracker? : '''Doctor Holdiay:''' His nanites unbuilt it, just like all the other ones we tried sneaking in him. We're still receiving his biometric readings though. It's strange, they're all over the place. It's almost like his emotions are...shorting out. : '''Six:''' He took an unusual interest in Calan's briefing about equatorial upticks. : '''Doctor Holiday:''' And that's important because? : '''Six:''' Rex has been acting stir-crazy and I heard the monkey mention something about spring break. ''[to workers]'' Scan all resort areas for his bio signature. : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' Oh, you have got it all messed up. Falling for some girl? We're supposed to get them to dig us. Not the other way around. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. There was something different about her. She's...right there. Later. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait up! : '''Circe:''' Why are you following me?! : '''Rex:''' Uh, I don't know exactly. : '''Circe:''' Do you think I'm playing?! : '''Rex:''' Well, if you are I'm down for another game. I thought maybe we could hang out. It is spring break, you know. Fun. : '''Circe:''' I'm with my family. We're not really for fun. : '''Rex:''' What! Who comes to the beach and doesn't have fun? : (''Circe raises her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Don't you think that's a little messed up? : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' So? : '''Circe:''' I'm Circe. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hold on! : '''Circe:''' Woooo! : '''Rex:''' Definitely better than my suggestion. : '''Circe:''' Hunting for seashells is fun. : (''both laugh'') : '''Beach Guy:''' You two skid-marts up for a race to the beach? : '''Circe:''' Well, if you drive as badly as for play volleyball, we could probably walk there and win. You're on, meathead. : (''guy drives off in anger)'' : '''Rex:''' So you were watching me play. : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' sure you wanna do this? : '''Circe:''' Thrill me. : '''Beach Guy:''' Hahahaha! Wooo! : '''Circe:''' C'mom Rex, faster! : ──────────────────── : '''Biowulf:''' Explain. : '''Circe:''' Relax. I was covering. Every day when I'm at the end of that jet i when I could hanging out with the other kids, it's starting to look suspicious. : '''Biowulf:''' You're not here for vacation, girl! You're here to prove yourself to Van Kleiss. And I'm starting to doubt you can. : '''Circe:''' I told you. It's a done deal. : (''The shadow of her tubular sonic mouth is seen'') : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' So what's on today's spring break agenda? Jet skiing, hiking? : '''Bobo:''' Eating our weight in crab legs? : '''Rex:''' I figured we'd just chill. Let's just see who...uhh I mean what shows up. : ''(siren-like call)'' : '''Rex:''' Did you hear that? : '''Noah:''' Sorry, enchiladas. : '''Rex:''' No, that! You seriously didn't hear that? : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You really shouldn't be here right now. : '''Rex:''' I heard something coming from over here. : '''Circe:''' I'm serious, Rex. It's not safe. : '''Rex:''' What you think some sort of roguewave is gonna knock off and- Oh. : '''Circe:''' There you are. Get out of here, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Circe!! What are you doing!? : '''Circe:''' Me!? What are you doing!? : '''Rex:''' Right now, my job. Okay! Don't freak out. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're an E.V.O.? : '''Rex:''' You catch on fast. : '''Circe:''' Takes one to know one. : (''Shows Rex her fleshly sonic mouth'') : '''Rex:''' No way. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Cover your ears! : '''Rex:''' What!? : '''Circe:''' Your ears! Cover them! : (''Projects her tubular, fleshy mouth and emits strong hypersonic bursts'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Did I hurt you? : '''Rex:''' Yeah. It was awesome. You were the one making that sound. : '''Circe:''' I'm glad you're OK, but I'm in serious trouble. I have to go deal with it. : '''Rex:''' Why are in trouble? Is it because of that E.V.O.? Let me help you. : '''Circe''': No. I have to do this by myself. :(''Rex takes a hold of her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Meet me later. : '''Circe:''' Rex... (''Looks away sadly'') : '''Rex:''' I've never met anyone like you...like me. It'd be nice to talk to an E.V.O. who's not, you know, trying to kill me. Nine O'clock? : '''Circe:''' I'll try. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I just wanted to have some fun, see if I could jog my memory, feel...normal. :'''Six:''' Your "normal" is different, Rex. :(''Rex hears Circe's irresistibly hypnotic melody'') :'''Rex:''' It's her, Six. Just let me deal with this, OK? Alone. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're only here because you heard my [[w:siren |call]]. That's what I do. I'm like a big E.V.O. magnet. : '''Rex:''' I came because I thought we had a connection. And what are you calling? Nothing's out there but big, ugly sea monsters. : '''Circe:''' It's them! You have to go! Rex, please! I don't want them to see you with me! : '''Rex:''' Who? Your parents? : '''Circe:''' They're not my parents. They're... : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Van Kleiss' guys!? Your with ''them''!? : '''Circe:''' Yeah. I'm with them. <hr width80%> : '''Biowulf:''' We're running out patience with you, Circe! You have one last chance! Summon the E.V.O.! Finish the job!! : '''Circe:''' Don't you think I've been trying? Every day for the last week? Sometimes these things take time. : '''Rex:''' It is just me or do you use your powers to kill all the guys you meet? You're letting her go, now! : '''Biowulf (laughs)''': So ''this'' is who you been wasting your time with. She's on her own free will, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You have to leave me alone, Rex!! ''Please!'' <hr width80%> : '''Six:''' Go after her. I mean it. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Are you serious!? : '''Circe:''' To the rest of the world I'm a freak! Not to them! : '''Rex:''' You're not a freak to me! What about that? : '''Circe:''' What about it!? Spring break is fun, but we can't live there, Rex. The real world... : '''Rex:''' In the real world, I work for Providence. You could come with me. Could you cut out that noise for a second!? : '''Circe:''' No, I can't! I'm running out of time! Most people on this planet what E.V.O.s gone, ''including'' Providence! With Van Kleiss, I have a purpose; a home. You don't what that means to me. : '''Rex:''' Actually, I think I might. : '''Circe:''' So what are going to do? : '''Rex:''' How about fight that big, ugly sea monster again? : '''Circe:''' Finally! It's what I came here to do. : '''Rex:''' You've been calling that thing, haven't you? : '''Circe:''' It's my initiation into the Pack. I was brought here to capture it. : '''Rex:''' By yourself!? The two of us could barely take it on! There's a resort here; innocent people! Send it back! : '''Circe:''' That's not an option, Rex. Van Kleiss was very specific. : '''Rex:''' Then I'm helping you. : '''Circe:''' That's not an option either!! : (''Blasts him with her hypersonic waves'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' If I do this myself, I'll have a life! If I don't, Van Kleiss won't be happy. And you've seen what he does when he's not happy. : '''Rex:''' If I don't help you, he won't even get the chance! : '''Circe:''' Give me some credit, Rex! I'm not as helpless as you think! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I don't care whose side your on, Circe. I don't want to see you die today. Can we at least agree on that? : '''Circe:''' You have no idea what I'm in for, Rex. But you're right. I can't do this by myself. : '''Rex:''' You're not as helpless as you think. <hr width80%> : '''Circe''' (''relieved'')''':''' Rex, you stopped it. : '''Rex:''' We make a good team, huh? : '''Circe:''' Yeah, we sure do. : (''She and Rex lean in closer for a passionate kiss, but are interrupted by Biowulf'') : '''Biowulf:''' This trial was for you alone. Van Kleiss will not be pleased. : '''Rex:''' Forget them, Circe. Come with me. Providence could use you. : '''Circe:''' That's just not my life, Rex. I'm sorry. I did have fun. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We had high hopes for your abilities, Circe. Failure leaves its mark on yet another pretty face. : '''Circe:''' I'm not afraid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Of course not. You're a survivor, like all of us. I understand you made a friend during your trial. I'm pleased. Rex is very important to me, Circe, which makes you very important to me as well. Welcome to the Pack. : (''Circe looks slightly worried, which clearly indicates that she does have real feelings for Rex'') ===Lockdown=== <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex, stop!! :'''Rex:''' Give me one good reason! :'''Holiday:''' Because, Rex...that's my sister. :'''Rex:''' Can I...help? :'''Holiday:''' She's an incurable. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' Restrain it. Carefully. :'''Holiday:''' Thank you. ===The Architect=== :'''Six''': Still no sign of the kid? :'''Holiday''': Not since we lost his biometric readings five days ago. :'''Six''': Was Noah any help? :'''Holiday''': Says he doesn't know where he is either. What is it going to take for Providence to realize that he needs a home, not just a room and a job? We've been pushing him away. :'''Rex''': I build machines and cure EVOs-- the only one in the world who can. Just one cure for that kind of pressure-- road trip. But that doesn't mean "vacation". :'''Build worker''': Whoa! :'''Maxwell''': What in the world is that?! :'''Build worker:''' Oh, no! :''[Both screaming]'' :'''Jacob''': Get away from that cable! Unh! :''[Kate gasps]'' :'''Maxwell''': Hey! :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Kate''': Jacob! :'''Rex''': Nope. A hero's work is never done. You okay? :'''Jacob''': What... are you? :'''Rex''': Here to help. :'''Jacob''': We've got to get that cable back underground. We've been compromised. :'''Kate''': But, Jacob, the EVOs-- :'''Jacob''': We don't have a choice. Everything we've worked for That boy is here for a reason. :'''Rex''': Hey! Pay attention! :'''Providence Agent''': We have a hit in sector 15. :'''Six''': Anyone in the area? :'''Providence Agent''': I show one patrol in the vicinity. Signaling to intercept. Roger that. We're on our way. :'''Rex''': Agh! You want a ride? Vamanos! :'''Jacob''': You can control your nanites? :'''Rex''': People usually start with "thanks," but yeah. :'''Jacob''': You see? This is exactly what the Architect can help us achieve... harmony with the nanites. This boy... sorry... young man Is a miracle. :'''Rex''': I'm not a miracle. I'm just Rex. :'''Jacob''': Well, Rex, you're a blessing to us for what you did here and for showing us that all our work isn't in vain. :'''Rex''': Like imaginary work? :'''Jacob''': Follow us. :'''Providence Agent''': Confirming coordinates. We've lost the EVO signal. Did you take it out? Negative. There's nothing here. Must be another anomalous reading. You can return to post. :'''Rex''': This is awesome! A hidden village. And nobody knows you're out here? Not even Providence? :'''Jacob''': Especially not Providence. :'''Rex''': Really? really. Pshh! Looks like you get pretty good cellphone reception. :'''Jacob''': That tower is gonna change the world, Rex. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but I have one for You. Are you hungry? :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! :'''Caleb''': My dad said you fought all those EVOs all by yourself. Were you scared? Didn't your dad tell you to stay away from EVOs? :'''Kate''': Caleb, let him eat. We don't get many visitors. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! What is this? :'''Caleb''': Didn't your mom ever make you meatloaf and mashed potatoes? :'''Rex''': I don't -- I don't know. :'''Kate''': It took me a month and a half to program in the perfect lump-to-mash ratio of the potatoes-- 7.2%! :'''Jacob''': We ate potatoes until they were coming out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I don't see any potatoes in there. :'''Caleb''': They didn't really come out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I could eat these every day. :'''Rex''': Mmm! :'''Caleb''': We have them every friday. :'''Rex''': Then I might just have to stick around until next friday. :'''Kate''': Help yourself to seconds. :'''Jacob''': Or thirds. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! :'''Bobo''': Hmm? :'''Six''': You might think you're doing Rex a favor by covering for him. :'''Bobo''': Get lost. I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Six''': Rex is angry with us. He has every right to be. But that means nothing to White Knight. And he doesn't have the patience we do. :'''Bobo''': Nice try. White won't lay a finger on him. He's too important. :'''Six''': You, however, are somewhat expendable. :'''Bobo''': All right, all right. You made your point. :'''Rex''': I've never seen tech like this... not even at Providence. :'''Jacob''': The Architect has some pretty big ideas. We just make them happen. He'd be very interested to meet you, Rex. :'''Rex''': So what exactly are You doing way out here? :'''Jacob''': Engineers like us weren't very popular after the nanite event. When we met the Architect, he offered us the opportunity to make up for that... to do amazing things. Someday, we'll be able to share This with the world. And then there's this. The Architect has actually discovered a way to communicate with the nanites. :'''Rex''': Are you serious? :'''Jacob''': The possibilities... We could finally live in harmony... maybe even have them help us. :'''Rex''': Then why hide it? The rest of the world would want to know about this stuff. :'''Jacob''': The Architect is something of a perfectionist. Says the world will know as soon as it comes online. :'''Maxwell''': Stinkin' module! :'''Jacob''': Is there a problem, Maxwell? :'''Maxwell''': No matter what I try, I just can't get the interlock servo to engage. :'''Rex''': There. :'''Jacob''': That could have taken us weeks to figure out, and you did it in seconds. :'''Rex''': Eh, no biggie. :'''Jacob''': You really are amazing, Rex. We're so happy to have you with us. :'''The Architect''': Jacob. :'''Jacob''': I was just talking to Rex about you. The Architect. :'''Rex''': How's it going? :'''The Architect''': The power-linkage team is falling behind. We cannot keep having these delays. :'''Jacob''': I'll check in with them. :'''Rex''': Wow. Friendly. :'''Jacob''': I like to think he's smiling on the inside. :'''Rex''': Yeah. I know a guy like that. :'''The Architect''': The visitor could be a problem. Do you wish to have him removed? :'''Zag-RS''': His abilities could advance our progress considerably. And in a matter of days all humans will be gone, including this one: Rex. :'''Six''': I'm at the location the monkey gave me. :'''Holiday''': Well? Is Rex there? :'''Six''': Apparently not. Tell the monkey I want to see him when I get back. Six out. :'''Rex''': That should do it. :'''Maxwell''': Hey, Rex, can you look at this? :'''Rex''': Sure. Let me guess... they all need my help, too. :'''Jacob''': You're quite the popular guy. :'''Rex''': Amazing what a little gratitude will get you. At Providence, they'd just be yelling at me. I mean, I never felt like I really belonged there. Here, it's way different. :'''Jacob''': I know the feeling. The Architect has made all this possible for us. We have a community... a family... thanks to him. The work we do is in part to pay that back. :'''The Architect''': Primary systems are now complete. :'''Zag-RS''': Prepare to take us online. :'''Bobo''': Have a nice trip? Let's get one thing straight, pal. I would never rat out my... Ooh. He's going west. :'''White Knight''': Why is Rex doing this? Doesn't he have a sense of duty? :'''Holiday''': Actually, if you look, he's still doing his job. Here's every false alarm since Rex left... not false alarms, But Rex taking care of EVOs along the way. :'''White Knight''': Why? :'''Holiday''': I don't know. To prove he doesn't need us? :'''Six''': Get the coordinates of the last false alarm and transmit them to my jump jet. :'''Holiday''': Six, if we force him to come back, he'll just run away again. He has to want to be here. It needs to be his decision. :'''Jacob''': It's all coming together, Thanks to you, Rex. :'''Rex''': It's really cool to use my powers to actually build something, instead of just pounding EVOs. Oh, check it out. Even the boss is pitching in. :'''Both''': Huh? :'''Rex''': And that's getting strange looks because-- :'''Jacob''': Because in all these years, we've never seen him lift a finger. :'''Rex''': Taking some initiative... I like that. So, this whole "talking to nanites" thing... how does that work, exactly? I mean, what are you gonna say to them? :'''The Architect''': It doesn't concern you. :'''Rex''': Uh, considering I'm filled with them, it kind of does. How do we know it's not gonna make things even worse? :'''The Architect''': I do not answer to you, child! :'''Jacob''': Rex? Forgive him. He's still not used to the way things work around here. :'''The Architect''': Complete your duties! :'''Rex''': Why do you let him walk all over you like that? Don't you want answers? :'''Jacob''': What we want is a home. Without him, we have nothing... Nothing. We can't just run away from our problems, Rex. Most people can't. Look, this isn't perfect but it's all we've got. Rex, where are you going? :'''Rex''': He never answered my question. :'''Jacob''': That place is off-limits. The Architect has made it very clear to us that we can never go in there. We get this life for that promise. Rex, don't do it! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Jacob''': Rex, please! :'''Rex''': I'm sorry, jacob. I have to know. :'''The Architect''': Rex. The core is off-limits. You would be we to leave at once. :'''Rex''': Not until I get some answers. What is that? :'''The Architect''': No more questions. :'''Rex''': So, it's gonna be like that? Okay, I'll play. Unh! What are you hiding, huh? What does this do? Yah! Yah! Huh? You're a machine? Have you seen what I can do to machines? Agh! :'''Zag-RS''': As you can see, the current range of my signal is rather limited. :'''Rex''': You're the computer. :'''Zag-RS''': My human designation is "Zag-RS". The device you refer to as "The Architect" is my autonomous counterpart. :'''Rex''': What did you just do to me? :'''Zag-RS''': I instructed your nanites to protect me. :'''Rex''': "Instructed"? So you really can talk to them. :'''Zag-RS''': Insidious devices, the nanites. My own potential for greatness has been compromised because of them. They must be eliminated. When the transmitter is integrated into the broadcast array you helped us complete, they will blow themselves up. :'''Rex''': That's what this is for. It's like a big remote control. Every living thing on the planet has nanites in them. It'd kill everything! :'''Zag-RS''': That is of no importance to me... only ensuring my continued survival. :'''Rex''': Well, what about ours? This is all coming down! :'''Zag-RS''': I'm afraid you're too late. :'''Rex''': Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! :'''Jacob''': Rex, what have you done? :'''Rex''': You don't understand! The Architect... it's a robot... And a big honkin' computer "brain" is pulling his strings. :'''Jacob''': This can't be! :'''Rex''': Jacob, you've got to believe me. Just go inside and look. What's left of it is on the floor. :'''Jacob''': I can't go in there. And I don't have to. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Rex''': You're making a big mistake! :'''Maxwell''': You entered his sanctum! This is unforgivable! :'''Rex''': I'm trying to tell you... this isn't what it seems. What you're protecting is a robot, and that thing we've been building is a transmitter. It's gonna send out a kill code to blow up every single nanite on Earth. :'''Maxwell''': He's lying! :'''Jacob''': What would be the point in that, Rex? Every living thing is infected with nanites. It would be catastrophic. :'''Rex''': Right in the middle of that pyramid is a computer, and it doesn't care about you or Kate or Caleb. The better future that you've all been working towards... That's the lie. Think about it. Isn't it strange that you've never been inside that place, that The Architect has never given you a straight answer about anything? :'''Jacob''': All this work it just doesn't make any sense. :'''Rex''': You have two choices... Go in there and prove me wrong or kick me out right now. I'll have Providence here in minutes. :'''Maxwell''': He's bluffing. :'''Rex''': To save every living thing on earth? Try me. :'''Maxwell''': Jacob, you can't! What about our promise? Where will we go? :'''Jacob''': All this time, we've been living in fear, Max. It's time for that to end. :'''The Architect''': You needn't bother. Construction is complete. Your services are no longer required. :'''Rex''': Now do you believe me? :'''The Architect''': Zag-RS thanks you for your hard work. In gratitude, my master has delayed transmission to allow you to say farewell. :'''Jacob''': Farewell, huh? I'll start with you. Can you shut that thing down? :'''Rex''': I don't know. Even without the antenna, it can mess with my nanites. I can't get too close to the computer. :'''Jacob''': Maybe I can. Let's go! :'''Rex''': The brain is right over there. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Jacob''': It's still arging. The A.I. must have retreated behind a firewall. Rex, I have to go cut the power. :'''Holiday''': Six, are you at The location? :'''Six''': Just arrived. :'''Holiday''': I'm picking up a massive power surge in your area. :'''Six''': I'm not seeing anything. :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Six''': Six to holiday. Correction... I'm seeing something. :'''Jacob''': It's still on. Must have charged the capacitors. Figure out a way to short it out... fast! :'''Rex''': Unhhh! :'''Jacob''': You need to find the primary transmitter module. That will kill the broadcast. :'''Rex''': I have no idea what that is. :'''Jacob''': Max, we need to locate the primary module. :'''Maxwell''': Panel 5, just off the relay bus. :'''Jacob''': Top of the tower. You can't miss it. :'''Rex''': Agh! Unh! Why do you have to kill everyone? Can't you just leave us alone? :'''Zag-RS''': Alone is exactly what I want, Rex. :'''Rex''': That kind of alone it stinks. :'''Zag-RS''': N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. :'''Jacob''': It's gone. Must have uploaded to another location. But without anyone to do it's bidding, it's just a program. :'''Rex''': What will you do now? :'''Jacob''': We'll rebuild. The Architect may have been a lie, but what we believe in is true. We don't need him to have a community or a better future. You're welcome to stay. We sure could use someone with your abilities. :'''White Knight''': Well? :'''Six''': He's not here. Bobo's been worried sick. :'''Rex''': rex: Oh, really? :'''Six''': Ratted you out for a pizza. :'''Rex''': Huh. Figures. What about you? Here to drag me back to Providence? :'''Six''': Not this time. Seems like a nice place. :'''Rex''': Yeah. It is. But it's not home. If I'm going back, there are gonna have to be some changes. First, no more curfew. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Second, I want to decide On my missions. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Okay, but there's one change that absolutely has to be made, or I'm through. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Mmm! Mmm! Isn't this great? :'''Bobo''': Mmm. :'''Six''': It's a little dry. :'''Rex''': Mmm. Mm the lump mash ratio is a bit off. :'''Bobo''': You know what? Maybe I'll run away, too... Go somewhere where my cooking is appreciated! :'''Six''': We have to do this every friday? :'''Rex''': Mmm. ===Frostbite=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I'm picking up a problem. You need to return to base immediately. :'''Rex''': I miss you, too, doc. But I'm kinda busy dealing with a problem of my own. Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Okay. Ow. Big mistake, tweety. Can that bird brain of yours comprende I'm trying to help you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, your own nanite count is off the charts. If you take on any more nanites, We're looking at an overload. :'''Rex''': Come on, doc. It's just a big birdie. :'''Dr. Holiday''': You're already over capacity. This is critical! Rex! :'''Six''': Rex, you need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at headquarters now. :'''Rex''': Do you really want a supersize pigeon flying loose all over lower Manhattan? You need me, and I can handle it. :'''Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': Unless I make it my call. :'''Dr. Holiday''': (as everyone is fighting) Stop! Need I point out that this isn't the best place for a fight. Anything happens to that storage tank and you'll know why providence made this place so remote. Now let's just talk this out calmly, rationally. :'''Biowulf''': Whatever happens here, Weaver. It's nothing compared to what Van Kleiss would have done to you. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck. (Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': Rex. You need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Agent Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at Headquarters. Now! :'''Rex''': Do you really want a super-sized pigeon flying loose over lower Manhattan. You need me and I handle it. :'''Agent Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': (as he's flying over the Pack in an Arctic storm) Like you're really going to find me when you can't see 2 feet in front of your face... Huh? (Flies into some of Skalamander's shards and crashes) Guess that visibility thing works both ways. :'''Rex''': (To Weaver) So, thanks to you, all this time I've been supplying nanites to Van Kleiss! :'''Rex''': Can't you believe you let these scags get the drop on you. :'''Agent Six''': They tried. It didn't turn out so well. Just haven't found a way to fight xenoflourine gas... yet. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck.(Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': You can't possibly absorb all those nanites! You'd overload in an instant. :'''Rex''': In case you haven't noticed, I have this problem with authority. :'''Rex''': (as Rex is absorbing nanites) Six wait! I can hear them! :'''Doctor Holiday''': (Watching from the ship) What are you waiting for, Six? Take the shot! :'''Rex''': (Speaking mechanically) Build protocol enabled. Command error detected. Abort. Abort. Stand by engaged. (Rex falls. His voice reverts to normal) Take the shot. :'''Agent Six''': He told me he could hear them. :'''Doctor Holiday''': I picked this up during the offload... It's Nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Agent Six''': Seems there are more secrets inside that kid than we realized. :'''Skalamander:''' What's the kid doing here? :'''Biowulf:''' I don't know. This was supposed to be routine. Something's not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends!? :'''Salamander:''' He thinks we've done something. :'''Biowulf:''' Then let him keep thinking. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' You know, the nanites in me can counteract knockout gas! The playing-possum thing's a pretty good trick. Now tell me where my friends are or I start squeezing! <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' He told me he could hear them. :'''Holiday:''' I pulled this off during the offload. It's nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Six:''' Seems like there are more secrets inside that kid than we thought. ===Leader of the Pack=== <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' There couldn't possibly be enough E.V.O. activity to account for these nanite readings. They're off the scale. Looking for Van Kleiss? : '''Rex:''' Circe. I thought I saw her in the blimp. : '''Holiday:''' That's the girl you met in Cabo Luna. : '''Rex:''' She may be with the Pack now, but I think I can still get her to talk to me. You know I can be pretty convincing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Holiday, there! Now let's take this outside! :'''Holiday:''' Rex. : '''Van Kleiss:''' It's quite all right. The determination of youth. I'm sure Circe will be disappointed she couldn't see you, Rex. She's attending to other duties this evening. Now if you will excuse me. : '''Rex:''' Why are you really here!? : '''Van Kleiss:''' The people of Abysus have a great way to offer the world. I'm just in part to make that known. :'''Rex:''' Or maybe 'cause I couldn't come to you, so now you're coming to me! :'''Van Kleiss:''' I admit you are important to me, Rex, but it's not always about you. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? Interesting look. Want to tell me what's going on? : '''Circe:''' Not today. :(''Knocks him out cold with a metal slate. She later looks outside Rex's prison cell and leaves, with a slightly guilty, dejected expression'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Well, thanks for nearly bashing my brains in back there! And what's with the "knocking me out" thing? : '''Circe:''' We just needed to keep you out of the way until all of this was over. : '''Rex:''' ''This!?'' He could destroy the whole city! : '''Circe:''' He's trying to negotiate peace from a position of strength. : '''Rex''' (sarcastically)''':''' Oh, yeah! All this nanite power is just screaming peace. : '''Circe:''' His methods may be aggressive. But he's here to save us...and you. Come on, Rex, jump in with us. The water's fine. : '''Rex:''' I'll think about it ''after'' I've stopped Van Kleiss. : '''Circe:''' It's too late for that now, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We will not be ignored! ''Circe'' understands this. Why don't you respect her judgement? :'''Rex:''' You think you can lure me in with her. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Like a fish to water. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I won! : '''Van Kleiss:''' It seems you have. Your parents would have been so proud. I never had the chance to tell you about them, have I? Perhaps another time. ===Breach=== : '''Rex:''' This is...different. <hr width80%> : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What is Van Kliess up to, Breach! Where did he have you send Rex? : '''Breach:''' Van Kleiss isn't always in charge of me. Sometimes I do what I want; like now. ===Of Love and War=== ===No Strings Attached=== ===Desperate Measures=== ===The E.V.O. Agenda=== ===Dark Passage=== <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Rex? Is that you? :'''Rex:''' You know my name. :'''Dr. Rylandar:''' Of course I do! I gave it to you! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' I can't believe you're alive. What a stroke of luck. :'''Rex:''' Dad? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You've lost your memory, have you? not surprising, considering what you've been through. Oh. Sorry to disappoint you, Rex. I'm afraid I'm not who you want me to be. :'''Rex:''' Oh. So if you're not my dad, do you know where he is? Oh, well. Rex Rylander is a goofy name, anyway. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander, I've got to know. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You must understand. It was never about power or greed. It was able changing the world, saving mankind from disease and starvation. And we would have succeeded until ''they'' got involved. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Rylander:''' The nanites were incomplete. The incident spread them across the globe before we could finish their final programming. Except for you. Yours were from a different batch, the very first actually. All those innocent victims. :'''Rex:''' If you feel so bad about it, why have you been attacking more people? :'''Rylander:''' Hmm. "The chosen few." Those men and women, Rex, are far from innocent. While they hide in their office towers and gated estates, I've been here trying to set things right, to find a cure for what we created. I've begged for more funding. :'''Rex:''' Wait! Everyone you attacked- They all worked on the Nanite Project? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' They commissioned it. I merely wished to send them a warning to see what would happen if they refused to help finish the good work we started. And it was good, Rex. ''You're'' living proof that we were doing the right thing. :'''Rex''' (''indignant'')''':''' By turning me into an E.V.O.!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You had an accident. The nanites were your only hope. It was tremendous gamble. The...unexpected side affects name later. It was surprise to all of us. Oh. The look on your brother's face... :'''Rex:''' Brother? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' When the Event occurred, it was your powers that saved you both. Most of the others, they weren't so lucky. :'''Rex''' (''to himself'')''':''' I'm not alone. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Oh, here. I have something for you. :(''Injects the mighty and all-powerful Omega Nanite into his system'') :'''Rex:''' Ow. <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The force-field must be failing. :'''Rex:''' Forget the force-field! What did you just inject me with!? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[[w:Omnipotence |Everything]]''. :'''Rex:''' ''Enough, okay!? Do you have any idea what's been like!? Not knowing who I am!? If my family's dead or alive!? Quite with the mad scientist act and give me some answers!!'' :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Forgive me, Rex. I been so consumed with my own guilt I didn't consider what you must be going through. The truth is- :'''Van Kleiss:''' Truth, Doctor? You wouldn't know the first thing about it. Nor loyalty for that matter. How many times must I tell you this, Rex? The answers you so desperately seek lie with me. And as for you, Doctor, consider our past disagreement settled. I look forward to continuing our research...alone. This was unavoidable, Rex. The longer you resist me, the more people get hurt. Rylander has always been on borrowed time. All of this belongs to me now. Destroy me and you lose everything. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' No. I didn't see what happened, but according to Rex, Van Kleiss has been eliminated. Rylander's experiment is a total loss. :'''Holiday:''' All of this for nothing. I'm sorry, Rex. :'''Rex:''' It wasn't for nothing, Doc. I've got a brother. Out there- somewhere. Finally! I started to get some real answers. I feel closer to the truth than ever. ===The Forgotten=== :'''Six:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' It's like I'm hearing through my nanites. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' You are not the Before. :'''Rex:''' I'm not sure that was a complete sentence back then. :'''No-Face:''' ''They'' are the Before! The Before forgot us. The Before left us in pain. <hr width80%> ===Operation: Wingman=== :'''Annie:''' "Do you have a girlfriend?" :'''Rex:''' "It's complicated. She's in league with an evil dictator who wants me dead." :'''Annie:''' "Yeah. My dad's always worried about me dating, too." <hr width80%> ===Rabble=== :'''Quarry''': Come on, Rex. (''holds up Rex's journal'') We both know this is what you really want. So go ahead take it. Walk away. Show them who you really are. You were always very good a taking care of yourself. Why should now be any different? :'''Rex''': (''Cuts his journal in two'') Whoever I was back then, is not who I am now. Not anymore. :'''Quarry''': Your choice. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': It's over, Quarry! You lose! <hr width80%> : '''Sqywwd:''' I hope you don't expect us to thank you. : '''Rex:''' No. Providence won't bother you unless you do something stupid. : '''Cricket:''' We'll be fine. Thank you, Rex. :(''Kisses him on the check'') : '''Tuck:''' Don't forget about us, Okay? : '''Rex:''' That may be a promise I can't keep. (''Flies off on his Boogie Pack'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' It's going to happen again, isn't it? I'm going to blank out. How long do I have? : '''Holiday:''' I don't know, Rex. It's likely triggered by a specific event; something traumatic. ===The Hunter=== ===Gravity=== ===What Lies Beneath=== : '''Circe:''' Rex, it's me. : '''Rex:''' Circe? What do ''you'' want!? : '''Circe:''' Things in Abysus- they're bad, Rex. I need your help. : '''Rex:''' Oh, well, how do I put this nicely? Not a chance! You made your choice, Circe! I made mine. End of story. : '''Circe:''' Please, Rex. I know you're mad at me, but this is a matter of life and death. : '''Rex:''' A lot of things are right now. Nice talking to you. : '''Circe:''' Rex!? : (''Looks crestfallen'') <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I didn't know you were still in touch with Circe. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, me neither. Can we please stop talking about this? <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' She's very pretty. : '''Rex:''' She works for Van Kleiss. She's the enemy. : '''Holiday:''' But you still like her, don't you? : '''Rex:''' I am ''not'' talking about this! <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Rex, thank you. : '''Rex:''' I'm not doing this for you. But...your welcome. (''Circe similes hopefully'') So what exactly am I supposed to do? :'''Holiday:''' When I said you were the key, I meant that literally. According to the plans, the machine needs to be turned on by a molecular level. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' You ''lied'' to me!! : '''Circe:''' You wouldn't have come if I told you the truth. : '''Rex:''' This wasn't about you needing ''me''!! This is about you needing Van Kleiss!! : '''Circe:''' I need you both. Please, Rex, you don't understand. : '''Rex:''' No!! ''You'' don't understand!! Van Kleiss is gone and I intend to keep it that way!! : '''Biowulf:''' You destroyed us all!! : '''Six:''' Don't even breathe. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You don't know what you've done. : '''Rex:''' Then, I guess we're even. : '''Circe:''' You've never understood his power. Van Kleiss kept us safe here. His force was the only thing keeping Abysus together, and you destroyed that. : '''Rex:''' We're done here!! : '''Holiday:''' Rex, I think she's right. Nanites operate on a molecular level. If they bonded with Van Kleiss, breaking off his connection must have caused a splinter; resulting in a disastrous chain reaction. : '''Rex:''' I'm ''not'' bringing him back! ''Not now, not ever!!'' Besides, you don't need Van Kleiss! You have me!! Why not go straight to the source?! :'''Holiday:''' Rex, no! :'''Six:''' Stand down! It's too dangerous! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Let go of me!! : '''Holiday:''' If you keep fighting these unstable nanites, they're going to destroy you! : '''Rex:''' And if I don't they'll destroy everybody else. : '''Holiday:''' Not if you listen to me! I have an idea. It's a long shot. Instead of fighting the nanites, ''communicate'' with them. : '''Six:''' You want to talk to the nanites? : '''Holiday:''' He's done it before. : '''Rex:''' Never anything this big. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I got you! Don't let go!! (''Rex struggles to save Circe from falling as she clings to him; tears fill her eyes''). ''Circe!!'' (''as she falls into the black goop of highly unstable nanites'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' ''Circe!'' Six! Dr. Holiday! Okay, you win. (''technopathically starts the machine''). Something's...not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Circe! Come on, breathe! : '''Circe''' (''coughs weakly'')''':''' Hey. : '''Rex:''' Hey. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Stay with us, Circe. Van Kleiss is done. : '''Circe:''' As much as I care about you, Rex, Van Kleiss and the Pack are my family. They took me in when no one else would. I can't abandon them. : '''Rex:''' So that's it. We're always going to be on opposite sides. : '''Circe:''' It does keep it interesting. ===The Swarm=== :'''Rex''' (thinking'')''':''' ''Gotta stay under. Not sure I can...make it. :(''Has visions of those most dear to him: Noah, his crush Circe, Holiday, Six, Bobo) ===Basic=== ===The Plague=== ===Promises, Promises=== :''Note:'' This episode depicts how young Rex had joined Providence via Six's [[w:flashback episode|memories]]. <hr width80%> :''[Six narrates over imagery of the Nanite Event.]'' :'''Six:''' The names and faces may change, but no matter how you slice it, war is war. You pick a side and you don’t look back. I believe that now and I believed it then. What gets you in trouble is when you start second guessing. Forget what you’re fighting for and you’re finished. :'''Diane Farrah:''' ''[Panicked screaming is heard in the background of an EVO attack]'' There’s another entity has emerged, this time in the heart of Paris. Authorities are vastly unprepared. Unless a decisive response to this pandemic is marshalled, the city will fall just as Kiev— ''[Diane Farrah gets snatched by the EVO’s web]'' :''[A Providence assault vehicle rams through police cars, from which Six appears and deals with the EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Save some for me partner! How else am I gonna earn my paycheck? :''[Knight fires off a weapon and the scene cuts to present day at Providence Headquarters.]'' :'''Providence Agents:''' Surprise! :'''Rex:''' So, the flu shots? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I needed an excuse to get you here. We’ll do them after cake. I’ll get you Van Kleiss! ''[Holiday swings at a pinata blindfolded before Rex crushes it with his smack hands]'' :'''Rex:''' Sorry, Doc, it was taking too long. And it was either that or throw some of your cake at it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday walks over to Six at a corner, passing him a drink]'' You’re looking festive. :'''Six:''' It was an odd choice to pick today to be his birthday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It is the anniversary of his new life here. He deserves a celebration, he changed everything. :'''Six:''' Has he? :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex jumps onto a counter, speaking to the agents surrounding him]'' Ha-hah! How about hitting The Petting Zoo for a little pin-the-tail on the raging “Rhinocesaurus”? :'''Dr. Holiday and Six:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Every party has a pooper. And I got two. :'''Providence Agents:''' ''[Providence Agents turn off the lights and bring Rex a birthday cake]'' Happy Birthday! :'''Rex:''' Dudes! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You should be celebrating too, Six! After all, you’re the one who started this. In a way, it’s your birthday too. :''[Flashback to Six and Knight walking through the Petting Zoo during construction of Providence HQ.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Nyquist. Fortier. How’s the monkey business? :'''Nyquist:''' Ha ha-larious, Knight. :'''Fortier:''' Hey, for your information we probably saved the world today. :'''White Knight:''' I, for one, feel safer already. ''[Knight states, looking at Bobo while Six walks towards his cage]'' :'''Bobo:''' So, green man. We meet again! :'''Calan:''' They found him at the Kremlin this time. He was threatening to push the button unless someone brought him a thousand pounds of caviar. :'''Bobo:''' Chimp’s gotta eat. :'''Fortier:''' What about your little bug hunt? Give you much trouble? :'''White Knight:''' Nothing we couldn’t handle. :''[The EVO is transported in a cage overhead while Knight and Six walk through a hallway.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What? Not even a smile? Oh by the way, happy birthday. ''[Knight passes Six a gift]'' :'''Six:''' How did you know? :'''White Knight:''' I’m your partner. Can’t keep much from me. :'''Six:''' Thanks. :'''White Knight:''' So what crawled up your coat? :'''Six:''' I’m getting tired of all this fighting. Did you see how many there are now? Are we gonna cage the whole world? :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight turns around, placing a hand on Six's shoulder]'' We’re preserving the human race. ''[The door to the processing facility opens]'' Besides, who says we’re gonna cage them all? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Looking at the EVO]'' And to think, this was once spinning webs in someone’s garden. Doctor Holiday, prepare for disassembly. ''[Doctor Holiday nods and activates the procedure as per his instructions. Doctor Fell sports a wicked smile during the experiment before it disintegrates the EVO without a trace]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It’s the same exact data as last time, and the time before that; Doctor Fell, why aren’t we studying them in a natural setting? :'''Dr. Fell:''' Only through molecular dissection will we find a way to expunge this threat. The committee agrees with me on this. If you do not approve, I can always find another assistant. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Doctor Holiday leaves the facility in frustration with Doctor Fell]'' Bleeding hearts. They’ll get us all killed one day. :''[Holiday walks down a hallway and drops several notes, one of which Six picks up.]'' :'''Six:''' EVO? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Exponentially Variegated Organism; a little more scientific than spoiled meat. That is what you hired guns call them isn’t it? :'''Six:''' It's Six, and I don't use guns. You told Fell we could learn more by bringing them in alive. What did you mean? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites are altering our DNA, but with the right type of research, there's no doubt they could be programmed to stop or reverse the process. Imagine a third option to this, kill-or-Contain protocol. :'''Six:''' A third option? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A cure. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight and several other Providence agents run past Holiday after an alarm activates]'' Buckle up partner! Looks like we got ourselves a big one. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hopeless. :''[Providence mercenaries arrive at Mexico to confront the giant mechanical EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What are we looking at? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Fascinating. It appears to be bio-mechanical. I must have a closer look at this one. :'''White Knight:''' One for the trophy case. :'''Six:''' Wait. We may get more out of this one if we bring it in alive! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Fell:''' You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement, Six. With what we gleam from this boy, I could create tools that could inoculate the world. :'''Six:''' Why risk it? He can already cure them! I've seen it! :'''White Knight:''' So, what, we train him? Make him one of us? <hr width80%> :'''Knight:''' We're supposed to be friends! He's a monster! What do you see in him!? :'''Six:''' Hope. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Thanks for talking some sense into him, Doc. ''[Knight picks up Six’s katana and walks toward Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' What...what’s happening to me? ''[Rex pleas to Knight, who simply looks down at him before warning sirens go off and the facility begins to lockdown]'' :'''Dr. Fell:''' We’re all going to burn. ''[Fell escapes while Rex is craned away by Holiday on an upper level]'' :'''White Knight:''' No! ''[Knight looks back at Six who is slowly picking himself up while the remaining exits close off. In a last ditch effort, Knight carries Six and throws him through the final set of doors before they seal shut]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Six picks himself and slams his fist against the glass]'' Why? :'''White Knight:''' I know what side I’m on. ''[Knight proudly states before getting consumed by a blinding white light and screaming in agony]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Grabbing a hold of Dr. Fell's collar Six shouts]'' Do something! :'''Dr. Fell:''' Once the cycle starts it's impossible to shut down. :'''Rex:''' ''[Contrary to Dr. Fell's statement, the light fades away and the electricity is subdued after Rex interfaces with a control panel]'' Impossible? Psh, right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you—-? :'''Rex:''' Told it to turn off. And it did! Wait, where...where am I? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Doctor Holiday. Maybe you were right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Maybe you should start looking for another job. :'''Bobo:''' ''[Within the processing chamber, Knight takes a few steps forward before collapsing]'' Hey marshmallow! Nice look! ''[Knight looks back up at Bobo with his signature bleached appearance]'' :''[Some time later, in his office White Knight speaks to Six through a monitor.]'' :'''White Knight:''' How’s the training? :'''Six:''' Slow. :'''White Knight:''' Not all you hoped he’d be? ''[Rex and Bobo topple each other in a play fight while Knight continues to monologue in his office]'' Still, who would’ve thought the kinder, gentler approach would do such wonders for our profile. The notion of a cure has gotten Providence funding, and worldwide prestige. The committee's happy. Your new partner may just be the best thing this operation could have asked for. Funny, isn’t it? Because of you I can never leave this chamber. I’m now the only pure human left in the world. And the perfect poster boy to run this operation. I suppose I should thank you. :'''Six:''' I promised him that we would help uncover his past; find his family. :'''White Knight:''' Whatever keeps him on his leash. But if he shows the slightest sign of turning into thing again, it's all on you. :''[Back at the party in the present, Noah is pinned down by Bobo with a bag on his head to Rex’s amusement.]'' :'''Rex:''' Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh my—hold him down, I’ll get the camera! ''[Rex runs to his room, and after a quick search he instead finds a long box on a corner shelf]'' :'''Six:''' Happy birthday. ''[Six walks into his room, officially greeting Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' From you? For me? You gotta be kidding. :'''Six:''' You, your work. It has made a real difference. I just—- :'''Rex:''' Yeah, I know I’m pretty great! But seriously get off the sap train, Six. It’s creeping me out. ''[Rex opens the gift to reveal the blade inside]'' Wow, Six! Thank you! :'''Six:''' It’s called a tanto. It’s the ceremonial blade of a samurai warrior. :'''Rex:''' Samurai? Awesome. :'''Six:''' ''[Six unsheathes his own tanto and holds it against Rex’s]'' This is its twin. :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex removes the cap from his tanto and squints at the symbol etched into the blade]'' Is that...writing? :'''Six:''' Bushido symbol of loyalty. It means whether for good or ill, our fates will follow the same path. This one stays with me. :'''Rex:''' Think this thing can cut through Holiday’s chocolate cake? :'''Six:''' ''[Six raises an eyebrow]'' Anything’s possible. :''[Rex puts the cap back on to the blade and camera cuts to outside of Providence headquarters, panning outward until screen fades to black.]'' ===Badlands=== :'''Gatlocke:''' Do you like rules? :'''Rex:''' Can't say I do. <hr width80%> :'''Gatlocke:''' Feel that? It's quilted. This is the good kind. But I won't be able to really enjoy in ''until I have those nanites!'' <hr width80%> ===Out of the Dark=== :''Note'': Rex's love interest and sweetheart Circe appears in a vision. ===Payback=== :''[In the realm of Abysus]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Humiliated... De-powered... All but destroyed. Hardly the new world I set out to build, is it? :'''Biowulf:''' Master, a spy has made contact. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Well? :'''Providence Spy:''' Everything is in place. :'''Van Kleiss:''' And the boy? :'''Providence Spy:''' He's here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[to his loyal followers]'' Soon our greatest enemy will be buried! Providence itself will be destroyed. And we'll have Rex to thank. :'''Rex:''' Come on! Who's gonna know? :'''Noah:''' Yeah. It would only be for a minute or two. :'''Calan:''' You actually want me to let you fly the keep? :''[Calan sighs]'' :'''Calan:''' Only until the next course change. And nothing fancy. :'''Rex:''' All right, let's see what this baby can really do! Why, it wasn't me! Seriously! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Providence Spies:''' Aah! :'''White Knight:''' Calan, what's your status? :'''Calan:''' Came from out of nowhere. We're being boarded. Scramble all jump jets. Mobilize for a counter-offensive. :'''White Knight:''' This is a coordinated attack. Every major Providence outpost around the globe has been hit. :'''Six:''' So far they've steered clear of headquarters. I'm on route to the keep now. :'''Rex:''' Are they really that stupid? Attacking the keep with me on board? This should only take a minute. :'''Noah:''' Wait up! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find Rex. It goes without saying "alive" would be ideal. Take the ship. :'''Providence Spy:''' Some kind of power surge. We're losing control of the helm! :'''Calan:''' Find out where it's coming from. Doc, if you'll excuse me-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six? :'''Six:''' Five minutes out. Prepare for an evac. I'm getting you off the ship. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Again with the Smack Hands? You always open with that move. Change it up a little! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Bobo:''' You see what you get? That's what happens when you interrupt my nap-- Bobo gets cranky! :'''Rex:''' I learned that the hard way, too. :'''Calan:''' All hands-- We've got intruders on deck four, five, and six. Get'em off our ship! :'''Rex:''' Go! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Attention, Providence. The ship is ours. :'''Rex:''' Ugh! Not even close, Van Kleiss! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Lay down your weapons, and your lives will be spared. Continue to resist and nothing survives. :'''Rex:''' You've made I made some lame-o moves before, Van Kleiss, but this one-- classic. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Seems you may have run out of tricks. Oh, you had to know it would only be a matter of time. I've had a fair amount of time on my hands these days. ''[Restrains Rex with his gauntlet]'' :'''Rex:''' Aaaaah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' You took something very precious from me, Rex, and now I'll be returning the favor. :'''Rex:''' If you want my monkey, you can forget it. :''[Van Kleiss starts draining nanites from Rex, causing him to squirm and scream in pain.]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It might come as a surprise that when you stole the nanites that gave my power, you left some of your behind-- Enough to tell me a few of what makes you tick. :''[Rex tries to summon a build, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ungh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'll find that using your powers will be something of a challenge. The nanites that you so special belong to me now. :'''Biowulf:''' What shall I do with him, master? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I have everything I need from him. I could care less. Secure the rest of the ship. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Come on! Do you really think throwing me out that hatch is the best way to get rid of me? Wouldn't it be more fun to throw me in a cage, tie me down in front of a laser? :'''Biowulf:''' No! :'''Rex:''' Aaaaaaaah! Wh-o-o-o-o-oa! :'''Noah:''' What is he doing? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This is no time to fool around, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Happened to notice that ground coming up on his, doc? If you don't do something fast, I'm about to become part of it! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, are you okay? :'''Rex:''' I think we may have a problem. :'''White Knight:''' What do you mean "they have the keep"?! Blow it up! :'''Six:''' We tried. The remote-destruct sequence has been disabled. Van Kleiss has complete control of it. :'''White Knight:''' Give me some good news. :'''Six:''' We know where it's heading. Here. :'''Biowulf:''' This is the commanding officer. We found him attempting to destroy this ship. :'''Calan:''' What's your game, Van Kleiss? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, a very good question-- One that depends entirely on what happens next, Captain. It seems my powers have made a slight... change. :'''Rex:''' Well? They're gone, aren't they? Van Kleiss took all my active nanites. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. I found this. Definitely a nanite, but it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Molecular scans seems to indicate it's some kind of control-nanite. :'''Rex:''' But with nothing to control. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With a large enough concentration of nanites, we might be able to jump-start it. But even with that, there's no guarantee it would replicate or even give you back the same abilities. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I hate to say it, but this one has me stumped. :'''Rex:''' Great. Loving this. :'''White Knight:''' If you're finished with the lost cause, we've got a bigger problem. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, how is this possible? :'''Van Kleiss:''' It would seem Rex's nanites have an opposite effect on me. He cured EVOs. Now I create them. Full ahead-- Ramming speed! Once we're through, we'll destroy Providence from the inside out. :'''White Knight:''' Lock it down! I want hallways cleared and critical sections defended. They will not take this base. :'''Rex:''' Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go stop them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, you're in no condition to fight. :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you expect me to do-- Hide? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Whatever it takes. That nanite inside you might be able to bring you back, but it's going to take me time to figure out how. And that's not something we have a lot of right now. :'''Rex:''' Wow. Nice outfit. :'''Noah:''' Got one for you, too. You get to armor up like the rest of us normals. :'''Rex:''' Come on. :'''Bobo:''' All right, where to? :'''Rex:''' South Pacific. :'''Bobo:''' That's my boy. And here I thought you'd try to pull some hero stunt. Oh, brother. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I want the White Knight. Find where he's hiding and bring him to me. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That should be everything, as long as the offsite backup holds. :'''Six:''' Don't let it get to that. :'''Noah:''' This is a strange place for a base. :'''Rex:''' When I have too many nanites in me, this is where I go to offload. :'''Bobo:''' Think of it as a nanite porta-potty. :'''Noah:''' Thanks... For that image, Bobo. So, we just put some of these nanites in you, and we're good to go? :'''Rex:''' No. They're inactive. Or at least stripped of their programming. Since I can't control them, I just have to hope that whatever this thing is inside me can't. :'''Noah:''' So... What happens if it can't? :'''Bobo:''' Let me put it this way-- The last guy who went swimmin' in that soup ended up a 50-foot freak show. :'''White Knight:''' Listen to me carrefully, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'd rather not. :'''White Knight:''' Where are they? :'''Six:''' The inner perimeter has been compromised. They're coming. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Skalamander roars]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Open it. :'''Rex:''' Okay. Bobo, set the thing to "vent" and go. If this doesn't work, I don't want you getting caught in the blast. :'''Bobo:''' No. :'''Noah:''' Forget it. Rex, at least think about his for a sec. What if it wipes your memory? What it turns you into some evil monster? :'''Rex:''' My friends need me. There's nothing more to think about. Bobo, do it. :'''Bobo:''' Long odds, pay big. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Six:''' You've overstayed your welcome. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, here's someone who would make a nice addition to our EVO ranks. :'''Six:''' Go ahead and try. Ugh! :''[Six groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Trying to do my job for me, Six? Here's a thought-- When your top henchman can't even get rid of someone by throwing him out of a moving plane, time to rethink the help. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You are determined-- I'll give you that. If it's what you prefer, I'll finish you myself. :'''Rex:''' Maybe. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Cool! :'''Bobo:''' See? I told you it would work. :'''Six:''' This is an unexpected surprise. :'''Rex:''' Well, by now, you should expect the unexpected from me, Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Bobo:''' Not anymore. :'''Noah:''' You think there might be more of them? :'''Bobo:''' Eh... Probably. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf growls]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Aaaaaaah! :'''White Knight:''' I use that electromagnet to trap stray nanites. You're lucky it's on the lowest setting. Any higher, and it would rip the nanites right out of your body. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Then why don't you? :'''White Knight:''' Because then I wouldn't be able to do this. :'''Skalamander:''' No one can help you. You're all alone now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. We still have my sister. :''[Skalamander grunting]'' :''[Rex and Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Aaaaah! :'''Rex:''' No way! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :'''Rex:''' Once again, epic fail. I'll take my nanites back now. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Noah:''' Rex, wait! :'''Bobo:''' Van Kleiss left behind a few presents. :'''Rex:''' No time to look everywhere. I'm shutting everything down. :'''Noah:''' You can do that? :'''Rex:''' Don't know. Never tried. Anything else? No? :'''Calan:''' Whew! I never want to do that again. No, sir. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Amazing. :'''Rex:''' Why, thank you. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I was talking about the nanites. That was a risky move, Rex, but it worked. As far as I can tell, you're back to your old self. :'''Rex:''' I don't know. Something feels different. That new build-- I think I can do even more. It's like I can see the blueprints. I just need to figure out how to put it all together. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight in person. Never thought I'd see the day. :'''White Knight:''' Well, don't get used to it. We found all the explosives. The base and the keep will need extensive repairs. This was not our finest hour. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? We kicked butt! So what if Van Kleiss is back and more powerful than ever? So am I! If he wants a nanite war, let him bring it! :''[White Knight laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' It's good to have your back, Rex. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You know, I think he actually means it. :'''Rex:''' Sure he does. So, tell me something, guys-- What's next? ==Season Two (2011)== ===Rampage=== <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I'll give you the recap. Thanks to these microscopic machines called nanites, I can build cool gear out of my body. I'm what's called an EVO. But most evo's aren't lucky like me. They usually look like this. ''[laughing]'' I know what you're thinking. And they smell bad, too. There's one other thing I can do that makes me even more special. Some EVOs, I can cure. That's why I work for Providence. We're the people you call when an evo is tearing up your lawn or attacking a city. And the worst of them is this guy... Van Kleiss. The last time we fought, things got a little out of hand. I'll admit it... we pretty much got our tails handed to us. He steals the key, wrecks headquarters, hijacks my nanite to get back the powers I took away from him. And now he can actually make people into EVOs. Then, to top it off, he has his dog boy Biowulf throw me, overboard at 6,000 feet. Not that anyone's keeping score. Sure, Van Kleiss may be back, but so am I. So what if he can make EVOs? I can still cure them. He may have new powers, but guess what... I do, too. Ever since my powers came back, I've got the ability to make amazing new machines. Now I just have to figure out how to build more. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' If you're trying to check up on me, Six, the answer's still a big fat... ''[imitates buzzer]'' I can't figure out how to make this new build. :'''Six:''' It might take some time, but you'll get it. :'''Rex:''' And meanwhile, Van Kleiss is out there doing who knows what. I wish they'd hurry up and get the H.Q. Rebuilt. You're not still living out of your jump jet like some ninja hobo, are you? :'''Six:''' My temporary accommodations are perfectly adequate. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Still living in the jet. ''[Groans]'' I hate being kicked out of our house. Although, as long as they're building stuff, I need a hot tub. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "I was wondering when you and your hair would show up again, Van Kleiss." :'''Van Kleiss:''' Back to your old self again, I see. And how are those new abilities developing?" :'''Rex:''' Just fine. Thanks for asking." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Don't you have anything better to do with your life then come after me all the time?" :'''Van Kleiss:''' "Funny you should ask." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Doc? How are those biometrics looking now? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Give it a try. :'''Rex:''' Ah, yeah! It's about time! Machines work. I just hope the important part does. :'''Noah:''' What just happened? :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? :'''Noah:''' It all kind of hazy. I mostly remember the feeling of... Fun. And I remember you punching me in the face. :'''Rex:''' Yeah. Sorry about that. I thought you were trying to eat me. Come on. We've got a rat to catch. Why so happy? Is this the part where breach shows up and rescues you? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, no. This is the part where she takes your inadequately guarded fuel core. :'''Six:''' Six to post, what's your status? Six to post. :'''Rex:''' Another decoy? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I should share some of the credit with your friend over here. He played the part to perfection. :'''Noah:''' Gee, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, this would be the part where Breach shows up. :'''Noah:''' I can't believe I did all this. Sounds like I had the time of my life. :'''Rex:''' ''[laughing]'' It almost became your life. Sorry about that. :'''Noah:''' Are you kidding? Just knowing I was a rampaging evo is cool. I wish I could have remembered at least some of it. :'''Rex:''' It's probably all over the news if you want a replay... At least until you stepped on the news van. :'''Noah:''' Well... ''[Exhales sharply]'' Guess it's back to quadratic equations. :'''Rex:''' I have no idea what those are. I've got somewhere I need to be. See you later. I know. I'm not supposed to be here. I don't care if it's a construction zone. I'm moving back. :'''Six:''' It's all right. Turns out you're not the only one who feels that way. You'll get used to the cold showers. Food, you're on your own. From the top? :'''Rex:''' From the top. :'''Six:''' What were you trying to build, anyway? :'''Rex:''' A water jet. Oh, by the way, I need a new cellphone. :'''Six:''' Yes? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' It's after my glasses again. :'''Six:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' This time I am serious. Now, when are you going to send someone out here? :'''Six:''' Ma'am, I'm... :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' Do you even work for Providence? :'''Six:''' Yes, I work for Providence. :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' What kind of a flimflam outfit is this? :'''Six:''' How did you get this number? ===Wasteland=== ===Tough Love=== ===The Lost Weekend=== :'''Kenwyn:''' What did you to Skwydd? :'''Mouse:''' Just shedding a light light on how dangerous his kind can be. :'''Rex:''' By juicing his powers? What were you thinking? :'''Mouse:''' Most inorganic material explodes when given that kind of molecular jolt, but not not nanites. They convert the energy into power that amplifies an E.V.O.'s abilities to tremendously uncontrollable levels. ===Star-Crossed=== ===Alliance=== :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' And he brought his Pack flunkies. Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach. Circe? Gotta hurry. Their headed straight for... someplace else. Gonna find out where. <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex why aren't you fixing that shield regulator? :'''Rex:''' Hint. You may remember him from such schemes as destroying Providence headquarters, and trying to take over the entire Earth. :'''Holiday:''' Van Kliess, in there? You're right. You should investigate after you fix the shield. :'''Rex:''' Then it might be too late. :'''Holiday:''' She's there, isn't she? :'''Rex:''' Who? Breach? Yeah, but... :'''Holiday:''' A quick recon and that's it. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Intriguing. An entire urban branch of EVO. development. :'''Biowulf:''' This place is a waste of our time. :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss knows what he's doing. It's not your place to question. :'''Biowulf:''' Question?! You dare accuse me of disloyalty?! :'''Circe:''' Sorry. Get a grip! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You're right, you know. We should be down there with him. What is he up to anyway? :'''Biowulf:''' I do not know. :'''Circe:''' You don't know? I thought he trusted you with everything. :'''Biowulf:''' Of course he does! He just-- :'''Rex:''' Hey! Easy on the stealth suit, which apparently, isn't so stealthy. <hr width80%> :'''NoFace:''' Invaders have come before. They brought only pain. :'''Van Kleiss:''' It is a pain we both share. The same Providence outsides attacked my lands, destroyed my army. :'''NoFace:''' There was one who tormented us, humiliated us. The grower of machines. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ah, Rex. Another thorn we share. My proposal is simple: You control a formidable legion. I, in turn, can provide the escape and the vengeance you seek. I can be your liberator. You can be my general. Together we will crush our enemies, starting with the one you hate most. Now are we-- :'''Biowulf:''' Master, I have a report. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[irritated]'' This is a private conversation. Can't you handle the sightest detail without bothering me? :'''Biowulf:''' Of course, Master. It was nothing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Here comes the moment when our brave hero sweeps the girl of her feet! Literally! :'''Biowulf:''' Don't let him. :'''Circe:''' Hey! Let-- :'''Rex:''' ''[flies off with Circe in his arms]''' See you around, henchie! :'''Biowulf:''' ''[to Skalamander]'' Follow them. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Down, now! :'''Rex:''' Not till we hear each other out! :'''Circe:''' Sure! I'll go first. :''[Breaks the Bogie Pack with a hypersonic burst, causing them to fall]'' :'''Rex:''' Oh, great. Way to go, Circe. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' Our hero pursues the girl of his dreams, heedless of her attempts to break his heart... along with the rest of him. Circe, just one minute, okay? Look-No powers! :'''Circe:''' One minute! But if this is about leaving the Pack-- :'''Rex:''' Please. I'm way past that. There are bigger things going here than who you hang out with. :'''Circe:''' Fifty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I wasn't sent here to spy on you. I'm here to stop these things from ever getting out. :'''Circe:''' Forty! Why are you telling me this? You know who I am! :'''Rex:''' You've seen the things that live here. Whatever deal you think Van Kleiss is making, it's going to turn out bad for everyone. :'''Circe:''' Thirty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I do know who you are, Circe. Just for once think for yourself. Maybe your perfect leader could actually be wrong, maybe even a bit crazy, nuts, certifiably insane! : '''Circe:''' Shut up! Twenty! Talk about blinded. Did you ever wonder why Van Kleiss is so interested in you? :'''Rex:''' Oh, I don't know. Maybe he wants me dead? :'''Circe:''' Not anymore. Something has changed, Rex. Ever since you got your powers back, I hear him talking. Saying you have something that's the key to everything. For whatever reason, he needs you alive. I know it, Rex. He'd never let you be killed. :'''Rex:''' Never, huh? :'''Circe:''' Time's up! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Now this looks like a party. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rex, you never cease to amaze me. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' Defiler! Give him to us! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now do you believe I can deliver what I say? Will yoh agree to my leadership? :'''No-Face:''' We agree to it! Give him to us! Now! Now! Now! :'''Circe:''' ''[very shocked]''' Van Kleiss, I didn't bring Rex here so that you could-- He'll kill him! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Never forget how I found you, Circe. What you were... before. He's yours. :''[Tears well up in Circe's eyes; thoroughly horrified that her master would calmly allow Rex's life to be put at risk]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[weakly]''' Is this what you wanted? :''[Collapses from his inquiries, causing Circe to open her eyes]'' :'''Circe''' ''[tearful, pleading]'': Stop this! Please! You need him alive! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Alive, yes. Heart pumping, lungs breathing, but his mind? The less there's left of that, the better. Circe, I warn you: Lift so much as a finger to help him, and you're finished! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You, Biowulf, even me. We're all just means to an end for him. He doesn't really care for any of us. :'''Rex:''' So you finally figured that out. Better late than never, I guess. :'''Circe:''' It's not too late! Not if I have anything to say about it! :''[Extends her fleshly and grotesque EVOs mouth]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! Whoa! There are some of us who might not like the sound of whatever you're about to do! :'''Circe:''' I'll adjust the frequency to exclude friendly EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Does that include me? :'''Circe:''' For now. :''[Uses her melodious, hypnotic singing to call back the EVOs escaping]'' :'''Rex:''' I thought you said you could filter it. :'''Circe:''' It's not an exact science. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss. :'''Rex:''' Breach'll get him out... eventually. But right now he's in there, you're out here. You don't have a better opportunity to consider your options. :''[Notice the two of them holding hands and let go, blushing]'' :'''Bobo:''' What is it stealing from our own people that's so dang satisfying? :'''Circe:''' You forget to remove the tracker. I'm not going to Providence. :'''Rex:''' Doesn't matter where you go. All that matters is that you want to go there. That said. I hear Hong Kong's nice this time of year. ===Robo Bobo=== ===Divide By Six=== :'''One''': ''[Speaking through Rex]'' Six. :'''Six''': One? :'''One''': You left this place, quit life as a mercenary and so rarely returned to visit. :'''Six''': I did what I felt was right, I never meant to dishonor. :'''One''': So rarely, that I never had time to tell you how proud you've made me. :'''Six''': ''[Takes off his glasses for the first time in the series]'' We're going to help you. We're going to take you home. :'''One''': But Six, I am home. ''[Rex falls unconscious while One's body starts changing. Eventually his body dissolves and fertilizes the entire island to its former splendor]'' : '''Six:''' He's still One. He's just one with everything. ===Mixed Signals=== : '''Rex:''' Whoa, big guy! Someone needs to ease off on the cheeseburgers. : '''Six:''' Skip the insults. Start the containment. : '''Rex:''' Like its feelings are going to get hurt. One bad and ugly going down. What? : '''Six:''' Rex? Rex! : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Six:''' You want to explain this? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. It's like some weird vision of this thing filled my head, then built itself out of me. Maybe the vision came from Blobbo. Maybe it's trying to talk to me. Come on, big boy. Send me some more pictures. What's on your mind? : '''Six:''' Groceries. That's what's on its mind. : '''Rex:''' I'm skipping. I'm over it. That vision must have been a fluke. : '''Six:''' All right, then. We're going with a two-prong attack. Use caution. This kind of EVO might be a splitter. Rex! Snap out of it! : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Ha! I wasn't supposed to do that, right? : '''Six:''' Rex, I want you back at HQ. : '''Rex:''' But I feel okay now. And we've got, um-- Two blobs to put down. : '''Six:''' Now! : '''Holiday:''' No trace of any recent electrochemical or DNA abnormalities. Everything reads normal. : '''Rex:''' But it's like the visions were being transmitted, and I was seeing it from a nanite point of view. : '''Holiday:''' I can't track it, Rex. There's no sign of signal displacement or a nano disturbance. Maybe we should consider the possibility that this is psychological. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Pizza. : '''Holiday:''' I think he's having another vision. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Of lunch? : '''Rex:''' With pineapple and salmon. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Blech! He is nuts. : '''Holiday:''' Aside from a strange choice in pizza toppings, all readings are normal. I can't explain it. : '''Rex:''' Well, if my nanites are trying to get me to build something, maybe we should give them what they want. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Whatever it is, I'm not eating it. Is that my electric toothbrush? : '''Rex:''' It better not be the one I've been using. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Oh. : '''Rex:''' This is what I'm seeing in my head. As stupid as it looks. It's like someone or something is sending me instructions to build some big device. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Or build a pizza with pineapple and salmon. : '''Rex:''' Okay. I'm not sure about that vision. : '''Holiday:''' Is that my hairdryer? : '''Rex:''' I just need to figure out what it does. Maybe it's a time machine. Or-- Or alien technology! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Maybe it's just a big pile of junk. Or a way to order a really awful pizza. : '''Contraption Voice:''' Target acquired. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Wake up! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Provindece Soldier #1:''' Hey, where do you think you're going? We've got a security breach. Front floor. : '''Providence Soldier #2:''' Lockdown protocols enabled. All hands report to duty station. Security speed, take position. : '''Rex:''' Sorry, guys. I might be a little... late. : '''Caesar:''' Case compression. Release. : '''Rex:''' Figures I'd build a machine with a serious attitude problem. : '''Caesar:''' ''[taking off his helmet and turns to Rex]'' Rex, is that you? : '''Rex:''' Who’s asking? : '''Caesar:''' It’s me, Caesar, your brother! Mijo! ''[Hugs Rex]'' You're alive and... older. ''[Rex is dumbfounded]'' Uh. Atomic clock was right... ''[spanish accent]'' Es una problema grande. : '''Rex:''' Uh, yeah. ''[Pushes Caesar]'' It is a big problem. : '''Caesar:''' What is this place? Who are you people? ''[to Rex]'' I'm getting you out of here! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Sorry, amigo. Put your hands up. Or don't. I got a clear shot either way. : '''Caesar:''' ''[is looking at Bobo]'' A talking chimp? : '''Bobo Haha:''' Don't bother. I've heard all the jokes. : '''Caesar:''' Have they hurt you? Are you okay? Stand aside. : '''Rex:''' Hello? Do I get a say in this? : '''Holiday:''' If you're part of some elaborate plan to kidnap Rex, then you failed. : '''Caesar:''' Listen, bonita, you don't wanna make me use this. : '''Rex:''' ''[gets in between them]'' Enough! Normally around here when someone barges in talking crazy, they get around into the deck plates by my giant fists. But you seem legit. I'm going with him. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Okay, brother. Lead the way. So if you are my brother, where have you been all this time? : '''Caesar:''' I'll explain later when we're safe. : '''Rex:''' Uh, this is Providence. We are safe. Usually. : '''Caesar:''' Providence? Never heard of it. To be honest, the last five years has been a bit of a blur. : '''Rex:''' I want to believe you, but I'm gonna need some proof. : '''Caesar:''' Your name is Rex Salazar. Our parents are Violetta and Raphael. The last time I saw you was at the Applied Nanite Research Lab in Abysus; right before those fools triggered a replication cycle. : '''Rex:''' And I have total amnesia so, for all I know, that could be completely bogus. : '''Caesar:''' There's a scar on the back of your left knee you got when you were seven, riding the gantry arm in the reactor annex. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. I always wondered how I got that. :''[they go out and Rex notices Caesar Salazar's pod laboratory]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. Nice wheels. : '''Six:''' ''[Comes out and unsheathed his swords]'' Don't even think about it. : ''[Caesar is about to attack but Rex stops him]'' : '''Rex:''' It's okay. Six isn't going to hurt you. Right, Six? You're comming in a little late on this, but, uh, this is Caesar, my brother, and he wants to get me out of here. So, let's just let my brother have his way and see where this all goes. Wherever you plan on going, they're going to follow us. You know that, right? : '''Caesar:''' They can try. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. Providence ship are pretty fast. : '''Six:''' Track Rex's bio signature and find out who that guy really is. : '''Rex:''' You ain't kidding. This thing moves fast. A-are we in the arctic? : '''Caesar:''' How do you think I got to your location so quickly once the locator signaled me? : '''Rex:''' Locator? You sent me the schematics to build that thing? It tried to crush me like a bug! : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, mijo. I wasn't really trying to hurt. ''[scans Rex's body]'' I was looking for what's hiding inside of you. ''[showing Rex the result]'' The Omega One Nanite. : '''Rex:''' That thing? Holiday discovered it before. We had no idea what it was. : '''Caesar:''' I sent signal instructions for the Omega One to track and contain. But since the nanite has integrated into your DNA, you became the conduit for building the machine. What I don't get is how the Omega One got inside of you. Rylander was supposed to have that under lock and key. : '''Rex:''' Rylander? He's the one who put it inside me. : '''Caesar:''' Why would he do a thing like that? I'm really gonna have to let old fool have it when I see him. : '''Rex:''' Not possible-- Courtesy of Van Kleiss. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss?! What does that third-rate lab hack have to do with this? : '''Rex:''' What? I guess I’m not the only one who needs an update. Where have you been? : '''Caesar:''' It's a long story-- actually, short by my clock. A splinter group had formed at the lab. They had other ideas about how the nanites would be used. We tried to stop them, and you were hurt. The only way to save your life was an infusion of nanites. It was risky, but it worked. We thought that'd be enough to stop the others, make them see the right path. But we were wrong. Mom and Dad were in the reactor. As for me, I managed to escape in my lab. But the shock wave, the same shock wave that probably blanked your memory.... also interfered with engine that powers this pod. I was stuck in sub-light drive. : '''Rex:''' How long? : '''Caesar:''' Fifteen minutes. That's how long it took me to reboot the system. But at the speed I was going, it was 5 years of your time. I knew there was an accident, but I had no idea how bad. My nanite sensors were off the charts. My 1st priority was to insure the OM-1 was safe. That was our promise. And here we are. So, what have I missed these past five years? : '''Rex:''' Providence? We need to talk. They can wait. : '''Caesar:''' So let me understand, there are EVOs and Van Kleiss claimed as their leader? : '''Rex:''' Well, not for all of them, yet. I want to know about me, about our parents. : '''Caesar:''' They were scientists. We lived all over the world. Things settled down when you came along. That was in Geneva. : '''Rex:''' Wait a second. Are you saying I'm Swiss? : ''Caesar:'' Not really. Mother was born in Mexico City. Father in Buenos Aires. : '''Rex:''' And they're really... gone? ''[Caesar slowly nods sadly]'' : '''Rex:''' Um, where exactly did this ship take us? : '''Caesar:''' What do you know?We're back at the original lab site. : '''Rex:''' You mean the one in Abysus? : '''Caesar:''' Is that a problem? : '''Rex:''' I'd say just a small one. We should go, like now. : '''Caesar:''' ''[typing]'' Hmm... Must be low on charge. ''[walks out the door]'' We may be stuck, but on the bright side, I can take a look at some of these variegated organisms. ''[goes out]'' : '''Rex:''' Caesar! Wait! : ''[outside and observing the EVOs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating. We theorized mutations might occur but never anything this random. : ''[Rex hits the EVO before they got near Caesar]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Sorry, bro, but these guys-- : ''[Rex hits another EVO]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Usually don't sit still for questions. : '''Caesar:''' ''[seeing Rex's new build]'' Hmm... That's new. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Guess I've learned a-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' A few tricks. But they still won't be enough if Van Kleiss shows up with all his goons. Six! : '''Six:'''We're locked onto you. The keep is already on its way. : '''Rex:''' Your ship may be out of juice, but I'm not. Hop on. I can get us out of here. : '''Caesar:''' I won't leave my lab, and you definitely don't want Van Kleiss getting his hands on some of the things in here. I'll try to reroute the capacitors to an alternate power source. : '''Caesar:''' Oh, you wanna see a photo of you, me, and papi? Maybe later. : '''Rex:''' You're a little off, aren't you, Caesar? : '''Biowulf:''' What was that machine it flew off with? : '''Van Kleiss:''' A laboratory. One I thought I'd never see again. It seems an old friend has returned-Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Providence isn't so bad now, eh, hermano? : '''Caesar:''' Is this a Grinnell? They always made good consoles, except for the random power surges. : '''Six:''' Well? : '''Rex:''' Everything's cool. He's a little kooky, but I'm pretty sure he's my brother. : '''Six:''' Glad to hear it. Now I need you back. We still have some unfinished business. : '''Rex:''' Got to get back to work. : '''Caesar:''' My little brother, the hero. I remember when you just wanted to be a musician. : '''Rex:''' Guitar? No, wait drums. : '''Caesar:''' Accordion. : '''Rex:''' You got to be kidding me! : '''Six:''' As I recall, you started it. : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Six:''' The EVO is dividing faster than we can contain it. The city is being evacuated. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Excuse me, admiral. I need you to take me down there immediately. Afraid I'll have to insist. : '''Six:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Are you crazy?! : '''Caesar:''' Depends on who you ask. I had something in my lab that I thought could help. : '''Six:''' Help? You're not even supposed to be outside the keep. : '''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Way to go, bro! First day on the job, and you already got a save! : '''Six:''' Job? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on, admit it, Six. He just saved our chicharrones. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? What's so funny? : '''Caesar:''' You always make me laugh when you try to speak Spanish. : '''Holiday:''' We've pulled his records, and I've confirmes his DNA. It seems Rex really does have a brother. : '''White Knight:''' If everything I've read about him is true, he could be an incredible asset to Providence. : '''Six:''' Or a major liability. : '''White Knight:''' All the more reason to keep him with us. Give him whatever he needs. : '''Holiday:''' White's right, Six. He knows more about nanites than anyone on the planet. He helped invent them. : '''Six:''' My point exactly. He's settling in? : '''Rex:''' I guess so. Caesar's a little strange. Hard to believe he's actually my brother. : '''Six:''' I'm happy for you, Rex. You always said you wanted to find your family. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but... You know that? I already did. Caesar may be my brother, but you, Holiday, Bobo, you're who I have a connection with. : '''Bobo:''' Aww, now, see, I'm getting all misty. : '''Caesar:''' There you are. Hmm. Nice view. Say, mijo, you think your cafeteria could whip up a pizza with pineapple and salmon? I've been craving one for days. : '''Bobo:''' Connection, huh? ===Outpost=== :'''Valentina:''' Ugh! We were returning them to their natural habitat! What Providence does is wrong and against the natural order of things! You're a traitor to your own kind. :'''Rex:''' That's creature's job is to ''exterminate'' mankind! It wanted to kill you! ===Haunted=== ===Moonlighting=== ===Without a Paddle=== ===Written in Sand=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I need an uptade. :'''Rex''': I'm right at the edge. Anything still alive in there is trying to get away from the sandstorm. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's not the storm they're running from. The nanites inside them are forcing the animals away. It's creating a kind of nanite-free zone. :'''Rex''': Ha! We should call White Knight. Maybe he'll move here and leave us all alone. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's no laughing matter, Rex. It could be the most significant development since the original nanite event. :'''Rex''': Yeah, yeah. Possible cures save the world-- Got it. I'll check it out. :'''Bobo''': Hey, doc. You may wanna get a load of this over here. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Negative. The storm is moving in too fast. Just place a sensor and pack it in. :'''Rex''': Hey. No. It couldn't be. Rex to base. We got trouble of the egomaniacal EVO kind. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Van Kleiss is here? Why am I not surprised? :'''Rex''': I think the real question is, if everything else is in such a race to get out, why is he going on? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, wait. :'''Rex''': Don't worry, doc. It's me. What could possibly happen? :'''Skalamander''': RARGH! PTUH! They're nothing but dirt. :'''Biowulf''': My senses-- Useless in all this sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': This phenomenon deserves my personal attention. What we seek is nearby. I can feel it pushing against me. :'''Rex''': ''[Rex emerges from the sand storm]'' Yeah? :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''Rex''': ''[Rex kicks Skalamander]'' How about kicking against you, too? :'''Van Kleiss''': Rex! You're not welcome here. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Now, that hurt my feelings! :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Skalamander pins him to the sand, causing him to groan in pain]'' :''[Skalamander laughs]'' :'''Rex''': Aaah! Whoa! :'''Van Kleiss''': If I never see your face again, It will be too soon! :'''Rex''': Yeah? The feeling's-- Whoa! Mutual! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex? Rex, do you read me? :''[Bobo coughing]'' :'''Bobo''': Okay, we gotta get outta here. I got sand in places I didn't even know I had places. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, if you can hear me, we're retreating to the safe zone. Rendezvous with us there. :'''Rex''': AAAAH! WHOA-OHHHHHHH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex coughs]'' :'''Rex''': Okay, Kleiss-- Go time! No EVO allies, just you and-- Whoa! Uh, sorry, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you along for the ride. :'''Van Kleiss''': I don't need my EVO allies, when I can simply make more. :'''Rex''': Don't get me wrong-- I love punching stuff. But anything you can do, I can undo better! We can do this all day. Or you can just spill it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': Why are you causing this nanite-free zone? :'''Van Kleiss''': How convenient it must be to make me the root of all evil. I'm not causing it. I've come to discover the source and destroy it. :'''Rex''': This could be the cure to nanites. :'''Van Kleiss''': And I live off nanites. What Providence calls a cure, I call death. :'''Rex''': Really? Haven't we moved past this? :'''Van Kleiss''': Huh? :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :''[After Van Kleiss creates a scorpion EVO to attack Rex, it attacks him instead.]'' :'''Rex''': That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Hang on-- I got to get this on video. ''[Takes out cell phone and starts recording Van Kleiss dodging the scorpion EVO.]'' :''[Van Kleiss panting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Something's wrong. I should be controlling this creature. :'''Rex''': Stinks to be you. Huh? You ruined my shot! :'''Van Kleiss''': I believe we've found something more interesting. :'''Rex''': You like to point out the obvious, don't you? :'''Bobo''': Don't get me wrong-- I love the kid, but if we don't pull stakes now, we'll be combing dust outta all sorts of places for years. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Too late. Hold on to everything that's not tied down. This is going to be a bumpy... ride. :'''Six''': Holiday? I trust you're all right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': I'm fine, Six. But Rex is still out there-- With Van Kleiss. I can't reach him. :'''Six''': We'll prep a rescue party. Prepare to come aboard. :'''Rex''': Hey! :'''Van Kleiss''': This is not simply a nanite-free zone. Something is stealing the nanites from our bodies. If we linger here too long, we may both find ourselves defenseless against the other. :'''Rex''': Well, then, we'd better blow this joint. And when I say "we" I mean "me". :''[Rex tries to escape and fails]'' :'''Rex''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': If either of us is to escape this place, we will have to work together. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': What exactly are you suggesting? :'''Van Kleiss''': A temporary truce. :'''Rex''': An extremely temporary truce. :'''Van Kleiss''': We'll work our way to the center of the nanite storm. :'''Rex''': No, we work our way out of the nanite storm and get Providence in here to figure out what's happening. :'''Van Kleiss''': Providence? They can't be trusted. :'''Rex''': Them? Didn't you try to take over New York? And Europe? And the world? :'''Van Kleiss''': You need to listen to me, Rex. Without a powers, you're nothing but a child. :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah? Truce over! Okay. This is awkward. Hey, is it just me, or are you getting really dust? :'''Van Kleiss''': It's happening faster than I thought. :'''Rex''': What's happening faster? If you know something, you'd better spit it out, or-- Whoa! It all looks fossilized. Like it's made completely out of... sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': Not only are there no nanites here, this is pure silicone. There are no other elements-- No carbon, calcium, hydrogen. It appears that this zone not only destroys nanites, but is-- :'''Rex''': Squeezing the life from the Earth. This isn't sand. This is me! :''[Rex whimpering]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': These glyphs-- There's something familiar about them. Sumatran? Mesopotamian? :'''Rex''': Less geeking, more escaping! :'''Van Kleiss''': We need to find the epicenter of this maze. These glyphs may hold the answer. :'''Rex''': Only if one says "exit sign." :'''Van Kleiss''': No need to panic, Rex. We have at least twenty minutes before fossilization-- Give or take. :'''Rex''': "Don't panic"-- Says the guy who used to be dirt. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Rex''': We're turning into walking litter boxes, and you're checking out caveman graffiti? No wonder I'm always kicking your butt. :'''Van Kleiss''': You don't have an investigative bone in your body, do you? So strongheaded-- Just like your mother. ''[Rex is silent]'' No, you don't like that, do you-- That I know more about you than you do? :'''Rex''': Skip the head games. Isn't exactly a good time. :'''Van Kleiss''': No, but perhaps it is time for some truth. We may perish down here, Rex. Ask me anything you want about the past, and I'll answer it. :'''Rex''': ''[looks at his own slowly fossilizing body]'' Sell it somewhere else. I'm not buying. :''[walks away]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, so the great and powerful Providence has finally come through on their promise to help you remember your past. :'''Rex''': Something better-- Someone who was actually there at the Nanite Event. :'''Van Kleiss''': Aha. Your brother, Caesar. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': I've been following you both very closely since his... miraculous reappearance. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, this one's for free. Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': ''[creates his BFS and holds it at Van Kleiss' throat]'' What are you getting at? :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, no, no. That's not how this works. It isn't my turn. Quid pro quo, Rex. If you want to know more-- Why don't we start with something simple? Rylander's Omega Nanite. I know it's inside you. :'''White Knight''': Status uptade? :'''Six''': Still no fix on Rex. Scanners can't cut through the storm, so we're moving in to stage a recon. :'''White Knight''': I will not risk everyone on board that ship for one agent. Not even that agent. :''[Holiday subtly ends the call. Then to Six]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Whoops. Guess the satellite feed went down. Nasty sand. :''[Six smirks]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Caesar? Wanted you to know we haven’t found him yet. :'''Caesar''': Found who? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. :'''Caesar''': Right. Ah. Sorry. That was, uh, fifteen minutes ago. I've done about five hundred task since then. Try calibrating the keep's sensors to search for traces of Selenium. It's something Rex naturally gives off, like dandruff. :'''Dr. Holiday''': I-- Really? Hmm. Okay, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss''': So what you're saying is, the motor runs off of gravity and the only exhausts are atoms of selenium. :'''Rex''': Now you. Squid Pro... Whatever. The nanites, the Event. What started all this? :'''Van Kleiss''': He didn't tell you? I'm not surprised. It was Caesar. :''[Rex pushes Van Kleiss to nearest wall and take out his BFS once again]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Wasteful, Rex. :'''Rex''': You're lying! :'''Van Kleiss''': Hardly. Your brother is responsible for the most significant catastrophe in human history. You have to admit that as brilliant as Caesar is, he's... not quite right. Am I telling you something that you haven't already noticed? :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': HAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss coughing]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': You seem to have awoken some sort of defense mechanism. :'''Rex''': What are they defending? Rocks? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Before we're totally devoid of nanites, we need to end this now-- Together. :'''Rex''': Back to back! :'''Van Kleiss''': What? :'''Rex''': Haven't you ever read a comic book? Back to back! No way. These markings-- They're not hieroglyphics. They're circuit boards. This whole cave, this valley-- It's one giant circuit board. These are data conduits-- Ms. Hubs! :'''Van Kleiss''': You're right. These spirals are solid-state storage-- The standard design for a firewall in a CPU. :'''Rex''': Did you just say I'm right? Now that I know what we're dealing with, it's a simple matter of-- Hacking in. This is malo-- Muy malo. Van Kleiss, meet the psycho computer who calls herself-- :'''Van Kleiss''': Zag-RS? :'''Rex''': How do you know that? ''[Zag-RS notices them and attacks them]'' You know Zag-RS? How? :'''Van Kleiss''': She was designed as a decontamination program at the original nanite laboratory. Her task was to destroy any rogue nanites that escaped from the holding tanks. :'''Rex''': She did a great job. Whoever designed her should be taken out and beaten with a tendril. :'''Van Kleiss''': Caesar designed her. :'''Rex''': I'm gonna have to have a chat with my brother when this is over. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Focus, you fool. If we're to survive this, we have to use whatever nanites we have left to shut her down. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': No problemo! Ah, come on! Stay up! Show off! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Well, this bites. :''[Rex straining]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Didn't I leave you in orbit? Shouldn't you have burned up in re-entry or something? :'''Zag-RS''': Re-entry resulted in a hard desert landing. This unit faced complete system failure. Salvation came from integration with the host space station power cell, where new initiatives were established. :'''Rex''': Turning the world into a sandbox? :'''Zag-RS''': Correct. The prevention of organic infection by elimination of organic matter and securing the Earth core system. Soon, this world will function without flaw. :'''Rex''': Van Kleiss! Change of plan! While, I've got Zaggy occupied, you go and warn Providence before it's too late! :'''Van Kleiss''': There's no time. Her strength is growing exponentially. To achieve victory, you must trust me. :'''Rex''': Trust you?! That's comedy gold! Even if I was that big of a doof, neither one of us had enough power to fight back! :'''Van Kleiss''': That's not entirely true. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Van Kleiss''': I've not been completely honest with you. :'''Rex''': Stunned-- Really. :'''Van Kleiss''': The Omega Nanite within you has a self-replicating program. You can create your own nanites. :'''Rex''': What?! Why didn't you tell me! :'''Van Kleiss''': A calculated emission. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': No way. :'''Van Kleiss''': There-- That is the heart of Zag-RS. Strike while you can! :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah! Now we're talking! Normally, I don't fight girls, but this time I'll make... A big... giant... robot exception! :'''Dr. Holiday''': I found him, Six-- twenty kilometers northeast. There's a huge spike in trace selenium. :'''Six''': Charge all weapons. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The storm's starting to break. But please don't crash. :'''Rex''': YAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': That's not fair! It worked in the movie! :''[Rex whimpers]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :'''Rex''': AAAH! :'''Zag-RS''': You have miscalculated, human. The more nanites you replicate, the more energy you supply me. 7.5 seconds until I overtake your production. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Zag-RS''': 4.3 seconds. :'''Van Kleiss''': AAAAAAAAAH! :'''Rex''': YAAAAAAH! One psycho robot down, one supervillain to chicken! Finally! :'''Bobo''': What, you never heard the term "fashionably late"? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Your nanite-replicating function seems to be working well. Most of Zag-RS' alterations have been expunged. :'''Rex''': Meaning... What? :'''Bobo''': You ain't gonna wash away at high tide. :'''Caesar''': This is my design. :'''Rex''': Great-- My brother created Zag-RS. :'''Caesar''': Evidently. Though her evolution into some sort of sentient nanite-slayer is most curious. :'''Six''': Curious? :'''Rex''': What about what Van Kleiss said? :'''Caesar''': You mean I'm to blame for the original nanite event? Why don't we ask her? Wait! Interface protocols. Code designate Zag-RS. Respond. :'''Zag-RS''': Dr. Salazar. Good morning. How may I assist you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Stand down, gentlemen. Zag-RS has been successfully rebooted. But her memory has been wiped clean. :'''Rex''': What? You got to be kidding me! :'''Caesar''': That's interesting. Hmm. Van Kleiss must have implemented a program dump before he left you. It's the only logical conclusion. :'''Rex''': Program dump? :'''Van Kleiss''': Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': Great. So now all we've got is a lame decontamination program with a GPS lady's voice? :'''Caesar''': GPS lady? Hardly. :'''Rex:''' I was making a joke. :'''Caesar''': Don't you recognize it? When I programmed her, I wanted a voice that meant safety, protection, caring. Rex, this is our mother's voice. :'''Rex''': ''[shocked]'' Mama? ===Night Falls=== : '''Rex:''' If she's not really our grandmother, why are you calling her ''aubuela''? : '''Caesar:''' There may not be a biological connection but she practically ran the entire town. When you were a boy, you spent every summer here. : '''Rex:''' I wish I could remember...or any of this. ===Hard Target=== : '''Rex:''' "It's Breach! She's-" : '''Circe:''' "Messing with you, Rex. Did you actually see on her the other side?" : '''Rex:''' "Well, no but...OK, why Hong Kong?" : '''Circe:''' "Because it's on the other side of the world, because she's seriously messed up." : '''Cricket:'''" Kind of like our place." : '''Circe:''' "Trust me. She's back in Abysus laughing it off with the rest of the Pack. Besides, I'm not that easy to find." : (''Removes the white towel to reveal her shoulder-length black hair partly dyed a deep plum and having donned a dark gray overall dress'') : '''Rex:''' "OK, Rex. Bad intro. Take a do-over. Like the new look." : '''Circe:''' "Wow. A compliment." <hr width80%> :'''Skywdd:''' "And that's when Circe goes all [[w:Siren (mythology)|siren]] and blasts the bus driver's pants clean off." :'''Circe:''' "Lucky shot. Hit the exact frequency of polyester." :'''Tuck:''' "Good thing his boxers were cotton." :'''Rex''' (''uncomfortable'')''':''' "Good one. Uh, Circe, remember when you took down that sea monster in Cabo Luna?" :'''Circe:''' "Please, Rex, I'd rather not remember that right now." :'''Skywdd:''' Geez, Rex. Buzzkill." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Stop it." :'''Skywdd:''' "What's with him?" :'''Circe:''' "Breach lag. Let clean over his bedtime." :'''Rex:''' "That and my early morning snooze. By the way, you were right. Breach wasn't after you. She freed Quarry. Got this from the Providence security feed." :'''Skywdd:''' "Quarry?" :'''Tuck:''' "He's lose?" :'''Cricket:''' "Oh no." :'''Circe:''' "You saw Breach and came back ''here!'' What if she followed you!?" :'''Rex:''' "Don't worry. If Breach were here, I'd feel it. She's here." <hr width80%> : '''Breach:''' "Hey, girlfriend." : '''Circe:''' "Get out of here, Breach!" : '''Breach:''' "But Van Kleiss has so been wanting to chat." : '''Circe:''' "Then deliver a message for him! " : (''Uses her ultrasonic bursts on Breach, who creates a portal behind her, knocking her out with her own sonic abilities)'' : '''Rex:''' "Let her go, Breach!!" : '''Breach:''' "Oh, sorry, Rex. She's gonna save my skin. V.K.'s tough on failure, remember?" : (''Teleports away with an unconscious Circe on her shoulder'') : '''Rex:''' "NO!!" <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Hold that thought. You can come out now. I got that creeped out feeling." :'''Breach:''' "Peek a boo." : '''Skwydd:''' "It's her!'' She took Circe." : '''Rex:''' But not to Van Kleiss. You never went to Abysus, did you? You slipped her into your little pocket dimension. Let her go, Breach! : '''Breach:''' And I agree to that...why? : '''Rex:''' "Because you wouldn't want Van Kleiss to see this. I'm thinking a trade is in order." : (''Breach releases Circe, who is caught by Skwydd'') : '''Circe:''' "I hate you, Breach." ===A Family Holiday=== :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The pace of study has been staggeringly slow. There have been no significant advancements in nanite research since the original event. Simply put, Providence is not doing enough. What is required is not a military response, but a serious, thoughtful reaction, a scientific answer. The poor and afflicted deserve more. The world, deserves more. Let me introduce Diane. Mother of three. Diane has been diagnosed as incurable, a lost cause. Since then, she's been treated like an animal, locked away from her family... No hope on the horizon. Until now. At Moses Labs, we don't rely on tanks, guns, or secret weapons-- Only an unwavering belief that whatever science breaks, science can fix. Welcome back, Diane. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Happy birthday, little sister. :'''Rex:''' Hope that I paid the bills. This is going to be expensive. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Release the hounds. :''[a door opens revealing some Evo hounds]'' :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Heh! I thought that was just a figure of speech. You're a sick puppy. :'''Rex:''' Aah! Not cool, bro! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[Spanish accent]'' Agua, por favor. :'''Caesar:''' Water second, probes first. :'''Rex:''' No offense, but being a guinea pig is a lot less fun when it's you instead of Holiday. :'''Caesar:''' Don't I run the biometric tests with the same efficiency? :'''Rex:''' How are we related? Have you looked at Holiday? :'''Bobo Haha:''' She ain't my species and even I know she's a hottie. :'''Caesar:''' She is... very smart. :'''Rex:''' Where is the Doc anyway? She usually can't wait to get her hands on me. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Saw her this morning, looking pretty grim. :'''Agent Six:''' It's her sister. Her sister's birthday to be precise. Holiday gets introspective this time of year. :'''Caesar:''' Her sister? Oh, is she smart too? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hey guys. Can't talk. Hangar! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Ah, human dames. I don't know how you guys keep up. :''[Dr. Holiday pants]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Thank you for coming, Dr. Moses. It's a genuine honor. :'''Rex:''' Who the heck is that guy? Why is Holiday acting all fangirl around him? :'''Caesar:''' It's Dr. Brandon Moses, the leading researcher in technogenic transmorphing! If anyone's going to develop a kill for EVOs, it's going to be him! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Now, that's actin' fan-girl. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Not the worst I've seen. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you help her? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Beverly would be an excellent candidate for my treatments. Have her transported to my facility. :'''Rex:''' Hold up! I know you have a bunch of letters after your name, but curing EVOs is what I do. Some of them-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Some you just can't handle, Rex. Dr. Moses' research goes to places you don't, so if you don't mind-- 10 minutes, then we'll be in the air. Thank you, doctor. I've earned 5 years' worth of personal time, Knight. I plan to use it all. :'''White Knight:''' I don't like it, but I like your sister even less. Go for your "cure", Holiday. But if it doesn't work, don't bring her back. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Agent Six:''' What do you really know about Dr. Moses? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what I saw. :'''Agent Six:''' You're not taking her to the doctor for a checkup. Has he handed you supporting data? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why won't you let me have this? It's the first glimmer of hope I've had since Rex got here. :'''Agent Six''': I think you've lost your objectivity. If you can't help her-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's the point! I can't! I need this cure. If you won't help me, stay out of my way! :'''Rex:''' Any chance she's right? :'''Agent Six:''' Hope she is. :'''Rex:''' But we're not going to sit around and do nothing in case she's wrong, right? Today you're my sidekick-- Not a fashion-challenged soccer mom blocking my mojo. If there's any chance of playing hero for Holiday, I call dibs. :'''Security guard:''' Dr. Moses' inventions are not for public viewing-- Especially not by Providence. :''[Security guard grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' That "soccer mom" comment really got to you, huh? When did science geeks start packing heat? Huh? :'''Agent Six:''' Check the machine. :'''Rex:''' I'm no engineer, but as far as I can tell, all this thing does is light up and go "ping". They never cured it! This was a scam! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday's in trouble. Holiday, Moses is a fraud. There is no cure! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What's going on here? Moses, what is this? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Business, Dr. Holiday-- Big business. Now, if you wouldn't mind stepping aside so I can collect your sister-- :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday?! What's happening?! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Or don't step aside. I'm good either way. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! We've got our coordinates. Go! :'''Rex:''' It's a hundred miles away! :'''Agent Six:''' Correct. :'''Rex:''' Hold on to your swords, old man! :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]:'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I trusted you! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' A bad trait, a scientist. But look on the bright side-- You won't be locked in a cell anymore. That was just... Shameful. :'''Rex:''' Be the hero. Be the hero. Be the-- :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ...Zero. You'll be a lot less grouchy in a few seconds, pal. Half cured? That's new. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They've got Beverly. :'''Rex:''' You wanna talk to her? :'''Agent Six:''' Now's not the time. :'''Rex:''' And when exactly is. She needs a friend, Six. :'''Agent Six:''' I... prefer to keep it professional. Keeps people from getting hurt. :'''Rex:''' Dude. Take off the sunglasses. She's already hurting. If I were you-- :''[Six gets a radio signal]'' :'''Agent Six:''' If you were me, you'd have a lead. Get Holiday. Dust off in 3. :'''Rex:''' Where are we going? :'''Agent Six:''' Moses may be a genius but not because he can cure EVOs. He overpowers them-- Hypercharges the nanites with excess energy to push their transformations. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's why Rex only partially cured that EVO he stripped the EVO of its extra power. But at its core, it was still incurable. :'''Rex:''' We learned something new today. Great. :'''Agent Six:''' Gets worse. Moses has turned his tech into a cottage industry. He takes incurables and weaponizes them to sell to the highest bidder. :'''Rex:''' Don't sugarcoat it, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you find this out? :'''Agent Six:''' I called some former associates-- People who know things, things that good people shouldn't know about. :'''White Knight:''' Question-- Why is my keep on an unapproved mission? :'''Rex:''' It's cool, Knight. We're helping Holiday. :'''White Knight:''' No! We had a deal! Return to base immediately! :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's over guys. I can't drag you down because of my mistake. I won't. :'''Agent Six:''' Keep returning to base. :''[Knight ends the transmission]'' :'''Agent Six:''' I said the keep is returning to base. I didn't say we'd be on the keep. :'''Rex:''' You okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hanging in there. :'''Rex:''' Hanging in there is good. I don't like to see you unhappy, you know. I-I mean-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what you mean. Thanks. :'''Agent Six:''' Better luck next time. :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Jealous much, sidekick? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Who is that? :'''Rex:''' Someone who knows things good people shouldn't. :'''Five:''' Machine boy! Like the new ax? You owe me for the last one. :'''Agent Six:''' We'll talk music later, Five. You have word on Moses? :'''Five:''' Five don't lie. Your guy is running an auction-- Tonight. :'''Agent Six:''' I owe you. :'''Five:''' She's a lot more beautiful than you let on, Six. Try not to screw it up this time. :'''Agent Six:''' You coming? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The EVO is the military ordinance of the future. We all know it. You drop one of these babies into your neighbor's backyard, and it's game over. But to get the most annihilation out of your nanites... you need me. :'''Human EVO:''' You promised to cure! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' My technology not only amps up their abilities, but, for an extra charge, will modify their behavior to suit your needs. What am I bid for this army of one? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Bursting in]'' I'll open with extradition for crimes against humanity! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to his bidders]'' Wait! This is just a minor disturbance. :''[Moses groans]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to Holiday]'' Do you know what you just cost me, all for one hopless wreck?! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday hits Moses]'' Her name is Beverly. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Then give sissy a hug. :'''Dr Holiday:''' No! Don't hurt her, Rex! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, sure. Handle with care. Whoa! Can you tell her that, too? :'''Agent Six:''' Going nowhere? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Uh, let's not be ''[chuckling]'' rash. :''[Holiday slaps Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I'm gonna have to get you a dictionary. Rash will not help anyone, especially not Beverly. :''[Holiday grabs Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Who can still be cured. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday drops Moses]'' What? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Brandishing his swords]'' No games. Truth or dead. :'''Rex:''' Fight still going! Need assistance! Big time! Whoa! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I did invent a machine that de-powered nanites, almost. But the bonds and nanite particles were too strong to break. Instead, I discovered that I could reverse the polarity to its maximum, overpowering the nanites. It's easier and-- Profitable. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' But you did isolate the bonds? So, you can break them! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Ugh! Unh! Okay, I called hero, but I need some extra kick for my sidekick! Unh! Seriously! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Time to earn a return on my investments! Kill them all! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! :'''White Knight:''' I won't even bother telling you the trouble you're in. Catch those other EVOs and report to my office the moment you're back. :'''Rex:''' What other EVO-O-O-O-Os? :''[Rex turns around and notices the EVOs behind him]'' :'''Rex:''' Ooos? :'''Rex:''' Think they got it? :'''Agent Six:''' They'd better. We're busy. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Okay. That's the flux transponder. That's the nanite energizer. Don't you explode on me-- Not now. Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'll hand the one crazed sister. You take the other. It'll be like a double date. Don't bother... your sister... while she's working! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I can see what he did, but... uh... there's no time! I can't-- I can't help her! It's over. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday-- Rebecca-- You are the strongest, smartest woman I have ever met, and the most stubborn. :''[Six removes his glasses and looks her in the eyes]'' :'''Agent Six:''' You never give up. If there's a way to help your sister, find it-- now! :''[Slight pause. Holiday smiles and puts Six's glasses back on his face then leaves]'' :'''Agent Six:''' That's my girl. New plan. Corral her to the machine. :'''Rex:''' Plans are good! Yah! What you got, Doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Moses was right. The polarity of the nanite energizer is wrong! I have to amplify and reverse it. But I don't have-- Six... Your magna blades-- But it would be too dangerous. Six! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six! :'''Agent Six:''' Is it working? :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's working. :'''Rex:''' Six, get out of there! :'''Agent Six:''' You called hero on this one, Rex! Finish it-- For her! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Get them out, Rex-- Both of them-- Now! :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Doc! You gotta see this! :''[Dr. Holiday panting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[as she's trying to revive Six]'' Don't you do this to me! I will hate you forever if you-- :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :''[Six coughs]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rebecca? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Beverly! :'''Rex:''' That was... I'm... Wow! Six, I've never said it before and I'll probably never say it again, but... I'm honored to be your partner. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Mushy stuff? Oh! Glad I missed it. :'''Rex:''' But don't ever do anything like that again. :'''Agent Six:''' Agreed. But you have to admit though... It was worth it. :''[Dr. Holiday and Beverly laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' We're not running a boarding house here. No more relatives. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need her for a few more tests, sir. She was only 13 when she went Evo, and she's in a fragile state. :'''Beverly:''' Woo Hoo! :''[Beverly laughing]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rex just took me on a ride through the Zoo on his cycle. :'''White Knight:''' "Fragile." Right. :'''Rex:''' We're going to the mall. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you asking permission? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm asking if we can have some money. Providence pays me nada. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can I have a word with you? :'''Agent Six:''' Sure this is a good idea? Could ruin your hero status with Holiday. :'''Rex:''' It's funny. After meeting Bev, out of nowhere, it hit me that Doc Holiday is just a little too old for me. So, since I'm out of the way, I guess there's nothing stopping you anymore, huh, "hero"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Well... right. I guess... I'll set up those tests. :''[Holiday starts to walk past Six. Six takes a hold of her hand]'' :'''Agent Six:''' Or... we could get some dinner. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Outside? In the real world? Like real people? Like a-- :'''Agent Six:''' Yes. Like a date. :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's about time. ===Hong Kong Nights=== ===Whispers in the Dark=== ===Cutting It Close=== ===Exposed=== :'''White Knight''': All Providence personnel, this is a priority-one alert. :'''Agent Six''': Do not panic. Remember your training. :'''White Knight''': In all my years of working at Providence, never have I been put in such a situation. These interlopes could be anywhere at any given moment. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, what's all the-- Whoa! Sorry. We're late. :'''Bobo Haha''': You can't prove a thing! :'''White Knight''': Watch what you say. Watch what you do. The very future of Providence may depend upon it. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, what's going on? Van Kleiss attack in the HQ again? :'''Agent Six''': Worse. :'''Diane Farrah:''' I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. And to find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Rex Salazar''': Aah. :'''Diane Farrah''': All your questions are about to be answered. Welcome to Providence Exposed! ''[Camera closes-up on her face]'' On Ultimate Exposure! And cut. Great into, guys. Okay, moving on. :'''Rex Salazar''': This is cool. :'''Agent Six''': This is wrong. :'''Rex Salazar''': How's my hair? :'''Bobo Haha''': Delicious. :'''White Knight''': Ladies and gentlemen, the delightful Miss Farrah and her crew have used the Freedom of Information Act to force. :''[White Knight clears his throat]'' :'''White Knight''': To allow them access to a day in the life of Providence. And to ensure you are afforded the very best Providence has to offer, I'm assigning our top man as your personal guide. :''[Rex moves towards the news team]'' :'''White Knight''': Six, please show Miss Farrah whatever she wants to see. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. On behalf of Providence, I'd like to welcome you to our facility. :'''Diane Farrah''': Spare me the small talk. I'm here to ask the tough questions, and I expect truthful answers. :'''Agent Six''': Shoot. :'''Diane Farrah''': So.. is there a Mrs. Six? :''[Combs her hair]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Smooth. :'''Rex Salazar''': Like you'd have done better. :'''Bobo Haha''': Are you kidding? They want exposed. I'm going to give that reporter a piece of my mind and a few other pieces while I'm at it. I got stories that'll make them run screaming for the hills. :''[Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''Agent Six''': If you'll follow me, I'll be happy to show you one of our nanite research labs up close and personal. EVO control is our primary area of concentration, but Providence is focused on a great many studies. Each employing the best and the brightest our planet has to offer. :'''Rex Salazar''': Thanks, Six. You know, this is my brother's lab. He's only like the smartest guy in the entire world. Yeah, being the best at what we do totally runs in our family. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time. :'''Agent Six''': That experiment is highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, how did you become a Providence agent? :'''Agent Six''': That's also highly sensitive. :'''Rex Salazar''': Amazing story though about how I became a Providence agent. See, there was this big accident. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Good morning. My name is Dr. Rebecca Holiday, And I'm the chief research officer for the Providence Laboratory Facilities - specializing in the study of evology. Providence's number one priority is the security of our planet. And through the studying and understanding the forces that threaten us-- :'''Diane Farrah''': Let's cut to the chase, shall we, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, um, okay. :'''Diane Farrah''': How do you balance the threat of EVOs, the constant danger... with being a woman? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Uh. :''[Dr. Holiday laughs nervously]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, excuse me. :'''Rex Salazar''': Speaking of studying, check this out. You can edit that, right? :'''Diane Farrah''': We're all about the editing. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, maybe you could show these journalists some of your other duties, like what you're supposed to be doing right now, for instance. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, man. That's right. Come on. You're going to love this. :'''Diane Farrah''': EVOs come from far and wide for a chance to be cured by this young man. How often do you do this? :'''Rex Salazar''': At least once a week here at HQ. When I'm in other parts of the county or the world, Providence sets up a mobile cure station. There are a lot of people out there who need my help. I only wish I could get to them all. Wait. Um, let my try again. ''[after Rex can't cure an EVO]'' Shut it off. :'''Diane Farrah''': But this is really good drama, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I asked to be on TV. They didn't. Please give these people their privacy. :'''Bobo Haha''': Come on, buddy. Everybody has an off day. :'''Rex Salazar''': In front of millions of viewers? So much for everyone's favorite Providence man of mystery. :'''Bobo Haha''': Well, they're just lucky they haven't had the camera on me yet. Oh man, talk about Ultimate Exposure. When I get through with them-- :'''Rex Salazar''': I just wish I could look cool on camera somehow. :'''Bobo Haha''': Phbt! Good luck. The only way that's going to happen now is if some experimental EVOs busted out of their cages and went on a rampage so you could round them up and look like a hero. :'''Diane Farrah''': Providence isn't known for being forthcoming with information. I hope this interview will change that. The people want answers and I fully expect them from you. :'''White Knight''': Very well. What do you want to know? :'''Diane Farrah''': For starters, how do you get fresh milk without any nanites in it? :'''White Knight''': If you must know, it's passed through a powerful magnet that removes and neutralizes any nanite activity. :'''Agent Six''': Observe. :''[White Knight smacks lips]'' :'''White Knight''': Anything else? :'''Diane Farrah''': Not at the moment, but I'll be back. :'''White Knight''': I look forward to it. :''[White Knight sips]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, what do you think about White Knight's obsession with staying nanite-free at the expense of human contact? :'''Agent Six''': He's a man of many mysteries. :'''Rex Salazar''': Look out! Coming through! Dangerous escaped EVOs on the loose! Stand back! Let a professional handle this! :'''Diane Farrah''': Follow him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yeah, I'm kind of awesome. :'''Bobo Haha''': Did you get them all? :'''Rex Salazar''': How many did you release? :'''Bobo Haha''': I don't know, three or four. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, which was it? Three or four? :''[Rex Salazar gasps]'' :'''Agent Six''': Well then. Now that Rex's little demonstration is over, how about a visit to the Providence gift shop? On me. :'''Diane Farrah''': How long has Providence had a gift shop? :'''Agent Six''': Since 8:00 A.M. You want to tell me how a class by EVO got out of its electromagnetically-sealed container and just happened to cross paths with our tour? :'''Rex Salazar''': It's not like this kind of thing doesn't happen here all the time. I just wanted it to happen this time, in front of the camera, all right? :'''Agent Six''': Not all right. That last EVO-- You just helped it molt so it could grow. Its body is still out there somewhere, getting bigger. :'''White Knight''': Providence is run like a finely tuned machine. Until you decide to throw a monkey wrench into the works. :'''Bobo Haha''': Hey, pal, let's leave the comedy to me. :'''White Knight''': And how is it exactly that these EVOs got out? :'''Bobo Haha''': Okay, Mea Culpa. I may have accidentally knocked open a cage or two-- Or four. :'''Dr. Holiday''': That fourth cage was electromagnetically sealed. :'''Bobo Haha''': I didn't say it was easy. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The EVO we had contained in there feeds on electricity. It must be kept away from any electrical current. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then it sure is a good thing this whole place isn't full of electricity. Oh, wait. :'''White Knight''': Find it. Subdue it. And most importantly, don't let that camera crew see it. :'''Bobo Haha''': Eh, were wastin' time hunting this thing down when I could be on camera right now, giving those people a piece of my mind. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, I only saw the EVOs empty husk before. What's the real thing look like anyway? Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': That. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Any suggestions? :'''Bobo Haha''': Can you make a soccer net? :''[Rex Salazar and Bobo Haha grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Aha! Got you cornered now. There's no way out. You're overpowered. :'''Bobo Haha''': You were saying? :'''Agent Six''': You wanted to interview me. Now's your chance. Go. :'''Diane Farrah''': Um... okay. Tell me, Six-- May I call you Six?-- What is the real truth behind the nanite event that created the EVOs? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': What is your role, if any, in that event? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified, too. :'''Diane Farrah''': Are you always this talkative? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait. Let me do that again. You didn't get my good side. Which is my good side? :'''Bobo Haha''': Your backside. :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, you promised you were taking us to the heart of the operation. :'''Agent Six''': Right. The heart of the operation. This way. :'''Dr. Holiday''': [Watching from a monitor] It went right. :''[Rex goes to his right. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Camera right! :''[Rex goes to the camera's right]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': How can you miss it now? It's six feet in diameter and weighs five hundred pounds! :'''Rex Salazar''': Less criticizing, more helping! :'''Dr. Holiday''': Try to steer it in the direction of Hallway twelve. We can isolate it in the atrium. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, we've got it contained there now. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No, sorry. I was reading that backwards. Hallway twenty one. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, Hallway twenty one leads to the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, so, no big deal. That's a cold-fission reactor, not electric, right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, all electricity is converted from something-- Wind, solar, hydro-- At the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ohh. :''[Providence Agent screams]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh-hoh. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, listen carefully and do exactly as I say because we're only going to get one shot at this. :'''Diane Farrah''': One shot at what, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': The... future. Providence is the future. The future used to be the space program. Now the future is Providence and the science of EVOs. :'''Rex Salazar''': Doc? Are you still there? We have a situation. :'''Agent Six''': Just a minor downgrade of power during a routine relay check. Nothing to worry about. :'''Rex Salazar''': Guys, I could really use some advice right about now! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''White Knight''': Attention all Providence Personnel, we have a Level-One Priority... :''[Realizes the reporters are present]'' :'''White Knight''': Drill. Repeat-- This is our daily drill in the Central Core-- Now. :'''Agent Six''': Lunch bell. It's taco day. Anyone hungry? :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, while we appreciate the commemorative spoons and the tacos, I can't help but think that you've been hiding something from our viewers. :'''Agent Six''': Not at all, ma'am. Providence is an open book. :''[Rex Salazar screams]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Cut! You're ruining the shot, Rex. Just be patient. I will get to you-- I promise. :''[Rex Salazar groans]'' :'''Agent Six''': Get down. :''[Diane Farrah gasps]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': That was... what you did. :'''Agent Six''': Just doing my job, ma'am. :'''Rex Salazar''': And I'm just doing mine! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': You're not going anywhere now, buddy, except back to your-- Cage? :'''White Knight''': We hope that you and the Ultimate Exposure team are enjoying our EVO containment demonstration, Miss Farrah. All part of readiness training here at Providence. :'''Diane Farrah''': Can I quote you on that? :'''White Knight''': Miss Farah, I'm not gonna stop you from filming, but for your own safety and the safety of your crew, please step back and let my people do what they do best. Alpha Team, I need a containment of the cafeteria, cube formation. Fire! Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm on it. :'''Agent Six''': Stay here. This is the real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': Not on your life. Find an elevator. We're missing it. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Still not a good ti-i-i-i-i-me! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, big boy. No more crawl spaces. No more Hallways. Just you and me in a big, old hangar bay mano y mano. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': ''[after Rex has been repeatedly beaten back by the Evo]'' Looks like you showed him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Are you going to talk, or are you going to help? :'''Bobo Haha''': Talk. Kidding! I'm helping! I'm helping! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar sighs]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Please tell me you're getting all of this. :'''Rex Salazar''': Providence's man of mystery strikes again. Ow! It-- it bit me! :'''Diane Farrah''': Quick, grab some B-roll footage before they get rid of all the evidence. :'''Rex Salazar''': You did see that I did all the heavy lifting and Six just took out the trash, right? :'''Diane Farah''': Don't worry. The camera never lies. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yes! :'''Bobo Haha''': Good! Then get a load of this! :'''Diane Farah''': Do you have something to say? :''[Camera zooms in on Bobo]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Oh... oh. :''[Bobo mutters then passes out]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': I think we have everything we need. :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't know how you guys came off looking, but yours truly rocked hard. Just call me Providence's Man of Mystery from now on. Oh, yeah! Stardom starts in five, four, three, two-- :'''Diane Farrah''': I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. :'''Rex Salazar''': We are so dead. :'''Bobo Haha''': Nice knowing you, kid. :'''Diane Farrah''': To find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. :'''Rex Salazar''': They did it. :'''Bobo Haha''': They did. :'''Dr. Holiday''': This is a news show? What is the world coming to? :'''Diane Farrah''': Look out, ladies. Agent Six is the full package -- brains, brawn, and-- :'''Agent Six''': Highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': Just what is he hiding behind those alluring, dark glasses of his? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the Providence agent you women wanted to get to know. :'''Agent Six''': Up close and personal. :'''Diane Farrah''': That's right, girls. :'''Agent Six''': He's The real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': And he's known throughout Providence as-- :'''Agent Six''': The heart of the operation. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the organization's best-kept secret, the ultimate agent, and-- :'''Agent Six''': The man of many mysteries. :'''Diane Farrah''': And, yes, ladies, he is single -- or is he? :''[Dr. Holiday laughs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Excuse me. :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex and Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''White Knight''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[after the story airs]'' So, man of mystery, what's it like being a big star adored by women everywhere? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. ===Touch and Go=== ===The Siren's Lament=== * Flashbacks as to how Circe came to work for Van Kleiss. <hr width80%> ===Grounded=== ===Six Minus Six=== ===In Dreams=== ===Lions and Lambs=== <hr width80%> :''[Providence agents are standing in an industrial area, fingers on triggers. Rex flies in on jet pack and lands beside all the agents.]'' :'''Rex:''' Any sign? ''[Rex notices agents shaking in fear.]'' Alright then, who’s up for a burger, anyone? Tough crowd. :''[Six walks up.]'' :'''Six:''' These agents seem nervous. Haven’t they dealt with this situation before? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, that's kind of the problem. :''[Rex twitches, as if he is feeling Breach's presence.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Here she comes. :''[Breach appears in front of them. They fire at her. She sends their missiles and agents away with red portals.]'' :'''Six:''' How do we stop her? :'''Rex:''' ''[Smack Hands.]'' Hit hard and keep clear of anything that glows. :''[Breach has a collar around her neck like the one Van Kleiss wears, and a device on her chest like his only much larger and shackles are around her giant hands which look like Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical wrist. She opens a red portal. A giant jellyfish-like thing flies out at Six, then a large creature with a horn on its nose runs out. Rex jumps at Breach, she portals out, returns and the device on her chest starts sparking.]'' :'''Rex:''' What's with the new toy, Breach? :'''Breach:''' ''[Glares]'' Wouldn’t you like to know? :''[T-Rex appears through a gold colored portal, sniffs Rex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Seriously, where do you find these things? Let's see what you started out as, big guy. ''[Tries to cure.] Six? This... this isn't an EVO!'' It's an actual T-Rex! ...Six? :''[Rex runs from T-Rex.]'' :'''Breach:''' Have fun. ''[Leaves through red portal.]'' :''[Rex hides behind light pole, T-Rex pulls pole from ground, Rex falls to the ground.]'' :'''Six:''' I take it this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time? :'''Rex:''' Try never? This is all kinds of wrong. :''[Rex makes BFS, runs at T-Rex; Six runs at T-Rex, jumps on and stabs it in back.]'' :'''Holiday:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Six:''' You mean about to be extinct? :'''Holiday:''' If you destroy the scientific find of a lifetime, it won’t be the only thing. :'''Rex:''' It's trying to eat us. :'''Six:''' You heard the lady. Take it down soft. :'''Rex:''' Easy for you to say. :''[Rex lies on the ground holding the jaws open with Smack Hands and it slobbers on him.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Video of T-Rex in confinement field. The T-Rex turns to dust.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Breach is powerful enough as it is, and now you're telling me she can travel through time? :'''Holiday:''' However she's doing it, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. That dinosaur reverted to its actual age about less than two hours after arrival. :'''Caesar:''' Photo and deep scan analysis reveals some very interesting technology at work here. Van Kleiss has really stepped up his game. :'''White Knight:''' Skip the fan talk. How do we stop it? :'''Caesar:''' Until I get my hands on the device, I'm not certain we can. :'''White Knight:''' We have to bring her to our side. :'''Rex:''' The only way she's coming here is if she does it willingly. :'''White Knight:''' How do you propose we persuade her? :'''Rex:''' With me. ''[Six and Holiday stare at him skeptically.]'' I can be very convincing. Okay, okay. I think she might still have a thing for me. :'''Bobo:''' Atta boy, work it on the crazy chick. :'''White Knight:''' I don't care how we do it as long as we get results. Providence is under the microscope. It is the worst time for Van Kleiss to gain the upper hand. Get to it. Bring her in. :''[Six and Holiday walking out of the room together down the hall.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[To Holiday.]'' I need a word. Something's wrong with White. :'''Holiday:''' Oh. That. He’s always like this, Six. :'''Six:''' No. This is different. I know when something is bothering him. The secret meetings, the anxiety. He’s up to something. :'''Holiday:''' I'll see what I can find out. :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Rex on hoverboard, in Providence stealth suit.]'' :'''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Works pretty good. After all, I built it. ''[Loses control of board for a moment.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Van Kleiss's castle, Rex hiding by entrance.]'' :'''Rex:''' Going in. ''[Pulls up stealth mask, disappears partly, runs past guard.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Breach is hooked up to a large machine. Van Kleiss stands before her with a huge bank of controls and displays, spooky dark lighting. She screams.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is unacceptable, Breach. I need you to concentrate. :'''Breach:''' It hurts. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Think of what I'm trying to achieve here. I cannot fail. :''[Breach screams in agony and collapses.]'' :''[Rex looks down horrified, Van Kleiss grins, Breach screams and falls down.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'll return when it recharges and we'll start again. :''[Rex holds his hand out to her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why do you let him do this to you? :'''Breach:''' Glory. :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss's glory. Is he even noticing how you're tearing yourself apart for him? Have you ever heard him say thank you? What do you say we blow this joint, you and me? He's hurting you. :'''Breach:''' It's not real. It can't hurt you if it isn't real. :'''Rex:''' Breach, look at me. It is. I'm real, all of this is real. You don't have to live this way. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why am I not surprised. Rex has come to rescue another of my lost sheep. Perhaps he'll try to save you next, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' That depends. Is he housebroken yet? :'''Biowulf:''' I am no traitor. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You’ve no doubt seen our little experiment. Breach shows great promise. She just needs a little fine tuning. :'''Rex:''' Then what? Go back in time and be king of the cavemen? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why not? It wouldn’t be much of a step down, now would it? Breach, if you would, remove our guest so we can continue. Practice makes perfect, or in your case, acceptable. :''[Breach makes a red portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach! Think about what you're doing. :''[Van Kleiss grins, she runs and puts her arms around Rex, portals out with Rex.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find her. Now. :''[Mountains, snow, Rex shivering.]'' :'''Rex:''' I'm glad you got us out of there, but where... are we? :'''Breach:''' When the snow is gone you can see forever. :'''Rex:''' That's nice. Can we go now? :'''Breach:''' I need to know if I can trust you. :'''Rex:''' You can trust me. I swear. :''[Breach grabs his hand and hugs him. He opens his eyes. They are standing on a shiny endless reflective surface, reflecting stars.]'' :'''Rex:''' This is different. :'''Breach:''' Do you see it? :'''Rex:''' Um-- :'''Breach:''' This is where the stillness comes from. :'''Rex:''' You. Are weird. So what exactly does this mean? Are you coming with me or is this some kind of test? :'''Breach:''' I need you to see it. :'''Rex:''' Ah... A test. :'''Breach:''' Do you wanna understand? :'''Rex:''' Not exactly sure. ''[She glares, he waves his hands in front of him.]'' Yes, I mean yes. I mean-- :'''Breach:''' Follow me. ''[Walks through red portal.]'' :''[Another place. A door, a doll, a bear and a fire hydrant float in space.]'' :''[Rex hanging upside down, she is holding him by his ankle above a swirling pink vortex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! What happened? I thought we were getting along fine! :'''Breach:''' Why are you here? :'''Rex:''' Good question. Where exactly is here? Can we go somewhere else now, somewhere like, on Earth? :''[She drops him. He screams and lands on the floor between some stacks of books.]'' :'''Rex:''' You sure know how to pick'em. What kind of tripped out dimension is this? ''[Librarian walks by and shushes him.]'' Oh. College. :'''White Knight:''' ''[On communicator in Rex's right ear.]'' Rex, report. Where on earth have you been? :'''Rex:''' Apparently every place but. :'''White Knight:''' I need to know you can handle this otherwise we're going to try a different approach. :'''Rex:''' You need to chill out, White. I’m making progress. ''[Rex puts his hand to his left ear.]'' Dr. Holiday, are you there? :'''Holiday:''' Tracking shows you’re with Breach. Are you okay? :'''Rex:''' Fine? Creeped out but fine. I can't bring Breach back to Providence, White would just lock her up and that won't help. :'''Holiday:''' Where will you take her? :'''Rex:''' I'll think of something. Just keep White Knight off my case. :''[Breach appears behind him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why don't you let me pick out where we go next? :''[Scene change.]'' :''[White Knight hands folded moving nervously.]'' :'''White Knight:''' He says he's making progress. :'''Black Knight:''' The committee is losing confidence. They want results, not excuses. :'''White Knight:''' Then that's exactly what they’ll get. :''[Scene change. Rex sits across from Breach in a booth at a bowling alley.]'' :'''Rex:''' Soooo, don't like bowling, huh? I figured with the extra arms you'd be a natural. :'''Breach:''' I'm not supposed to like you, but I do. :'''Rex:''' ''[smiles]'' We're teenagers. At least assuming you are. Doing what we are not supposed to is part of the job. French fry? :''[She takes it and then drops it.]'' :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? From before you... changed? :'''Breach:''' I remember everything. And nothing. :'''Rex:''' Naturally. Why did I even bother to ask. Listen, Breach. I'm not going to pretend I understand you, ''[Puts his hand on her giant hand]'' but I can help. If you let me. :''[The machine starts to glow, they jump to their feet, other people look startled.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. :'''Breach:''' I can't, I can't stop it. :'''Rex:''' Let me try. ''[He tries and it knocks him onto the floor sparking.]'' :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss has control. They're coming. :''[Van Kleiss busts through the door with The Pack following. Raises bio-mechanical hand, palm of it glows, device on Breach's chest turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Okay, do your thing. Get us out of here. Anywhere. :''[she tries]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You can't take what doesn't belong to you. :'''Rex:''' I didn't take you for the jealous type. ''[Rex shoots bowling balls at Van Kleiss with his cannon, hits Biowulf and Skalamander in the face and Van Kleiss punches the balls aside with his bio-mechanical hand.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach, let's go! :''[Breach rides off with Rex on hoverboard, Van Kleiss and Pack follow on three flying fish EVO's with harnesses and big teeth. They dodge and crash Van Kleiss into a window, and land in a park.]'' :''[Breach and Rex stand together on a footbridge looking down into the water.]'' :'''Breach:''' ''[Walks to bridge and looks at her reflection, Rex follows.]'' Will they hurt me? :'''Rex:''' Providence? Not if I can help it. :'''Breach:''' They did before. Ms. Smarty Pants—she likes to hurt me. :'''Rex:''' I'll give you my word, if you come back to Providence, I promise no one will hurt you. :'''Breach:''' We can be together forever and ever. ''[She walks off bridge, ducks swimming in water.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... something like that. What am I getting myself into? We gotta move. I bet my brother has already figured out how to turn that thing of yours off. :''[The ducks fly off, they look and see a reflection in the pond of White Knight's ship.]'' :''[White Knight walks up followed by Providence fighter planes.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh guys, what are you doing?! :'''White Knight:''' If you can't have something done right, do it yourself. :''[They shoot at Breach, she screams, Rex is horrified.]'' :'''Rex:''' No! No! No! ''[walks up bridge to White Knight]'' Do have any idea what you just did? :''[Breach's chest device turns on, she screams, Providence shoots at her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Is this what you wanted? Congratulations! ''[runs to Breach]'' Breach! Wait! :'''Breach:''' Liar! ''[Throws red portal at Rex, he dodges, second one hits him, he disappears. Providence keeps shooting, she throw portals, drops three soldiers in water.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Agent Six! :''[He jumps at her, she portals him away to behind Knight. Rex jumps from the water onto the bridge by Knight.]'' :'''Rex:''' You had no intention to bring her in, did you? :'''White Knight:''' I wanted to believe you, Rex, but this is too important. She can't be controlled. :'''Rex:''' Control... Her powers are back on. Van Kleiss. :''[Van Kleiss arrives on flying fish EVO.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Settle down, Breach. :''[Chest device turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Let me do this. I can get through to her. Come on. It couldn't get any worse than you've already made it :''[Knight and Six look at each other.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Form a perimeter around Breach. Van Kleiss isn't to touch her. :''[A rock wall rises from the ground blocking Rex as he runs towards Breach. The Pack jumps down from wall to attack Rex, Six intervenes. Agents surround Breach, she tries and fails to make red portal. Screams. Van Kleiss flies in on fish, knocks down agents with bio-mechanical whip arm, shoots needles from fingers and knocks more down, fish knocks the rest down. White Knight shoots at Van Kleiss.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' If you had any idea what I was trying to do you might even welcome it. :'''White Knight:''' Enlighten me. :''[Van Kleiss touches a tree and it turns into an EVO. EVO tree catches and holds White. Six and Biowulf fight, Rex and Skalamander fight.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Enlighten you? :''[Sticks his claws in White Knight, glowing White Knight screams.]'' All in good time, White Knight, assuming you have some left. :''[Six throws a magnablade through Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical arm and he lets go of White.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[to White Knight]'' Go. I mean it. ''[White Knight flies off.]'' :'''Six:''' The name's Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' We've met. :'''Six:''' Don't remember. ''[They fight.]'' :''[Breach on merry-go-round, turning slowly looking at the sky. :'''Rex:''' You're just using her. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Of course I am. She knows it. Spare me the chivalry, Rex. Providence would do the same. :'''Rex:''' Either way you slice it, she loses! :'''Breach:''' ''[to herself]'' My two favorites. You both lie. Neither is real. :'''Rex:''' ''[goes to her]'' Breach, I'm sorry. I meant what I said. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Words mean nothing. :'''Rex:''' Then let this do the talking. ''[Turns on her machine, puts it into her power.]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You just handed her a loaded gun. :'''Rex:''' And now it's her choice how to use it. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh if only I had the chance to get through to you, Rex, to teach you how the world really works. :''[Breach steps in front of Van Kleiss, raises her arms as if to send Rex away. Makes huge yellow portal above them.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our very first time traveler. You should be honored. Now Breach, if you wouldn't mind. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :''[Rex closes his eyes. Breach sends Van Kleiss away with yellow portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' That was... unexpected. :''[Rex tries to turn machine off but fails.]'' :'''Rex:''' It won't turn off. I'm sorry. I, I didn't know. :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss made it like this so I wouldn't send him away. :'''Rex:''' That didn't work out so well did it? Six, get everyone out of here now! ''[A big yellow dome forms around the playground where Rex and Breach stand.]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what's going to happen? :''[Rex and Breach are about to be engulfed by Breach's out of control time portal]'' :'''Breach''': ''[she looks up]'' I don't know if any of this was real. But it was nice having a friend for a while. ''[Rex smiles, Breach hugs him as they dispensary in the golden time portal]'' :'''Rex:''' I didn't get blown up. ''[Sees a lizard.]'' Whoa! ''[Jumps away, startled.]'' Oh no, please don't let this be dino time. ''[Touches earpiece in left ear.]'' Rex to Providence, do you copy? :''[Takes earpiece out and looks at it.]'' Oh... Rex to Providence, you better be there. :'''Providence Agent:''' Uh... we copy, Rex. We have a lock on your coordinates and are sending a jump jet. :'''Rex:''' Is Six okay? Breach went supernova. :'''Providence Agent:''' Someone's on the way, just hold tight. Providence out. :''[Scene change, Rex lying on the ground.]'' :'''Rex:''' Took you long enough. :''[Turns over and sees Providence agents, pointing guns at him.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex is onboard. Heading back to HQ. :'''Rex:''' HQ? Ten minutes ago I was in the middle of an epic battle. You need to take me back! :'''Providence Agent:''' Um, that battle is over. :'''Rex:''' What happened? Is Six okay? Guys...what's going on? :''[They arrive at HQ.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Baby brother, you're okay! ''[Runs and hugs him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach just sent me to nowheresville. Nothing to freak out over. :'''Caesar:''' ''[To Providence agent.]'' You didn't tell him? :'''Providence Agent:''' Our orders were just to bring him back. :'''Rex:''' Tell me what? Hey, when did you... have a beard? :'''Caesar:''' There's no easy way to tell you this, hermano. Breach didn't just send you to the middle of nowhere. You've been gone for six months. :'''Rex:''' Six months?! So this is-- :'''Caesar:''' Technically, the future. I should warn you, there've been a few changes. :'''Rex:''' You didn't give away my room, did you? :'''Caesar:''' As a matter of fact, they did. :'''Rex:''' What?! Caesar, tell me what's going on here. :'''Caesar:''' It would be better if I showed you. :'''Rex:''' White Knight taking visitors now? :'''Caesar:''' I'll wait out here. :''[Rex sees Providence agents dressed in black.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice suits. :''[Goes into the office.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ah... Love what you've done with the place. White? :''[Person in chair turns around, it's a woman, not White Knight.]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Thank you, Rex. ''[She gets up and walks towards him.]'' It was a little bright for my taste. White Knight is no longer associated with this organization. :'''Rex:''' He quit? :'''Black Knight:''' He...attempted a hostile takeover and failed. Can I get you anything? Water? A snack? :'''Rex:''' I don't want a snack! Where's Six? Where's Holiday!? :'''Black Knight:''' This must upsetting to you. Change is never easy but from I understand, you've been in situations like this before. Everything's going to be fine. :'''Rex:''' Who are you?! :'''Black Knight:''' Someone very happy to have you back. Call me Black Knight. ==Season Three (2011-2013)== ===Back in Black=== : '''Rex''': Okay, I get what's going on here. : '''Black Knight''': I'm relieved to hear that, Rex. : '''Rex''': You can come out! I know you're there! : '''Black Knight''': Rex? : '''Rex''': We're friends, now, remember? Breach? : '''Black Knight''': Breach isn't here, Rex. The world's changed. As soon you accept th-- : '''Rex''': No, I'm not ignoring you. It's just that you're not real. : '''Black Knight''': I assure you I'm very real-- as is all of this. : '''Rex''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh, come on. It's been a fun time in the ol' Breachscape, but, you know, time to go home now. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Seen this before. Usually ends with a black hole. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, you're disoriented. Let me-- : '''Rex''': Sorry, non-lady. No time. Got an exit to find! Shall we aprehend? : '''Black Knight''': It won't be necessary. : '''Caesar''': Rex! Have you lost it? : '''Rex''': Caesar! We're in a pocket dimension! It could collapse at any second! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar''': That's crazy, Rex. This is not a pocket dimension. : '''Rex''': You're right! It's a whole alternate universe! And-- and-- and you're my Brother's evil twin! Out of the way! Six! Six! Doc! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex''': Dr. Holiday! Doc! : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': Wha-- Well, at least some things haven't changed. Whoa! Whoa! Okay, now I-- Bleh-- know I'm in an-- Aah!-- alternate universe. Unh! You can go ahead and -- Blech!-- Eat me now, please. : '''Black Knight''': Release. : '''Rex''': You were... saying something about changes? : '''Black Knight''': There have been a few. : '''Caesar''': You've got temporal lag, Rex. It's kind of like altitude sickness, only in time. Here-- This will balance your electrolytes. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': So this is really-- : '''Black Knight''': Really. Welcome to the future, Rex-- Or, rather, to the present. Without your healing abilities, Providence has embraced a new paradigm. We've moved beyond the outmoded era of "cure, contain, or kill." : '''Rex''': And into the era of "serious leash laws". : '''Caesar''': We used the petting zoo as our test bed. What do you think? : '''Rex''': I think it needs a new name, 'cause, you know, now it really is one. : '''Caesar''': We've developed new techniques for working with EVOs. It's all about understanding them better. : '''Rex''': So, you're some sort of "EVO whisperer"? : '''Caesar''': ''[laughs]'' It's a bit more complicated than that. You sure you're okay? ''[sighs]'' It's good to have you back, brother. : '''Black Knight''': Family ties. They transcend even time itself. : '''Rex''': Caesar's not my only family. : '''Black Knight''': I'll bring you up to speed on the others. When you went M.I.A., White Knight lost his biggest weapon in the war for EVO containment. : '''Rex''': Figures that I have to vanish for him to appreciate me. : '''Black Knight''': White became erratic-- some might say paranoid. Directorate lost faith in his ability to lead. : '''Rex''': Directorate? I never knew white even had a boss. : '''Black Knight''': There are, shall we say, layers. I was named as his replacement. : '''Rex''': Let me guess-- he didn't take it well. : '''Black Knight''': You could say that. : '''Providence Agent''': White Knight! Sir! Stand down! : '''White Knight''': I'd rather go down in flames than see Providence in the hands of the enemy. : '''Providence Agent''': He's got a bomb! Fall back! All units fall ba-- : '''Rex''': Whoa! That was-- : '''Black Knight''': Your room. : '''Rex''': Huh? Aww, man! But... Six... Holiday... where-- : '''Black Knight''': Where do you think? They're out looking for you. Agent Six and Holiday took indefinite leave. They've been off the grid ever since. I've attempted to contact them, but no response. : '''Rex''': Mind if... I give them a ring? Not that I don't trust you. : '''Black Knight''': But you don't trust me. Natural, given the circumstances. Be my guest. It won't take long, to locate them. Meanwhile, there are many familiar faces who will be glad to hear you're back. Which reminds me... This is everything we salvaged from your room. : '''Rex''': Huh. Talk about starting over. : '''Black Knight''': You could you know. There's still a place for you in the-- : '''Rex''': My room. I thought you said it was trashed. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, wait. : '''Rex''': What's the matter, Black? This where you're hiding all your evil secrets? : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex''': Um... Wow! : '''Black Knight''': This entire wing was destroyed in the blast. I had the space... repurposed. : '''Rex''': White wouldn't even splurge for private stalls. : '''Black Knight''': As you see, I treat my finest people to the very finest things. : '''Rex''': Sure. I'll take one of those, please. : '''Black Knight''': It's yours-- and anything else you'd like. : '''Rex''': As long as I do whatever you want-- That it? : '''Black Knight''': On the contrary-- you're a seasoned agent. I have a few boundaries, but otherwise, handle matters as you see fit. : '''Rex''': Say I refuse. : '''Black Knight''': Then I turn you over to mel. ''[chuckling]'' I'm kidding. You're free to leave whenever you like. But I hope you'll stay. Now, more than ever, Providence needs a Rex. So, how do you feel? Like I haven't used one of those in Six months-- Which I haven't. You mind? Bobo? : '''Bobo''': Rex! Heard you were back. So great to see you, buddy. Whoa. Just a sec, there, pal. Gotta love those certain towelettes. : ''[Bobo whistling]'' : '''Bobo''': What? Never seen a monkey wash his hands before? : '''Rex''': Not this one. : ''[Bobo munching]'' : '''Rex''': You wanna tell me what's gotten into you or what? : '''Bobo''': What are you talking abou-- Unh! Hey! : '''Rex''': Sorry. For a minute, I thought you were... : '''Bobo''': Robo Bobo? Wanna check for a tv in my butt? : '''Rex''': Pass. But come on. You've, I don't know, mellowed or something. : '''Bobo''': Guess I just don't have a big need to act out these days, what with you and everyone gone. Plus, the employee benefits are pretty sweet. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, we've got a little EVO problem. Providence could use your help. Ready to get back in the game? : '''Rex''': If it involves getting out of here, that would be a "yes." You coming? : '''Bobo''': I'll join ya on the next one. I got Tai Chi at 2:00. : '''Rex''': Missing an EVO smackdown? That doesn't sound like you. : '''Bobo''': Did I mention the instructor has a thing for back hair? : '''Rex:''' Ew. Okay. That sounds like you. What is it and where do I find it? : '''Providence Agent''': We've got an EVO in the subway tunnels, people trapped in one of the trains. The power's out down there, too. : '''Rex:''' Sounds like a street worm. Sure it's just one? Rex to H.Q. Okay, new chief, how do you want to do this? : '''Black Knight:''' You're the expert. : '''Rex:''' I am? Uh, I mean, of course I am. It's just that Six usually-- : '''Black Knight:''' You don't need help, Rex. Handle it as you see fit. Black, out. : '''Rex:''' What's this strange feeling that's come upon me? Could it be... : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex''': Responsibility?! Okay. Assemble your guys over there. Be ready for me. Should the guys grab flashlight. Or... better. Not a bad pre-show. Now for the main event. : '''Providence Agent:''' How did you know? : '''Rex:''' These things usually travel in pairs. I used lights from my builds to make it think I was another worm. Have your bug net handy. They're so cute after I shut them down. : '''Rex:''' Sorry B.K. No can cure. : '''Black Knight:''' Understood. Our team will take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Um, take what where? : '''Providence Agent:''' Move into the vehicle! Move... into... the vehicle! Hit her again! : '''Rex:''' Um, what just happend? : '''Black Knight:''' That's all for now, Rex. Nicely done. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Wait. What are you gonna do with it? : '''Providence Agent:''' Standard rehab and re-lo. It's all very humane. : '''Rex:''' I'd love to see that. Mind if I tag along? : '''Black Knight:''' Sorry, Rex. Authorized personnel only. You've done your job. Now let the team theirs. : '''Rex:''' But-- : '''Black Knight:''' Boundaries, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Boundaries. Got it. Rex, out. : '''Caesar:''' Main container reached. Attach stabilizer ring. : '''Rex:''' Humane? Yeah, right. : ''[Bobo yawns]'' : '''Bobo:''' See? Great employee benefits. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Right. Hey, you got a tag sticking out in the back. Mind if I-- : '''Bobo:''' Thanks, pal. Well, off to yoga. : '''Caesar:''' You really shouldn't be here, hermano. : '''Rex:''' The petting zoo? The worm? My monkey practicing good hygiene? You're using that thing to control my friend! : '''Caesar:''' He's still the same Bobo you know and love. He just need a few boundaries. : '''Rex:''' He's not the same, and neither are you! You should hear yourself! : '''Caesar:''' Making the world safer isn't possible without some form of control. And you'd better get some control of yourself, mijo. : '''Rex:''' Or what? You'll use that thing on me? : '''Caesar:''' Open your eyes to all the good we're accomplishing. Isn't this better than smacking them with your giant fists? : '''Rex:''' That's combat! I protect people and property! Okay, property, not so much, but this? If you can't see the difference, then maybe I never knew you at all! : '''Caesar:''' It doesn't matter. I have work to do. : '''Rex:''' So do I! : ''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Uses his Smack Hands to smash everything around him]'' : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Stop! : '''Black Knight:''' Snooping around, Rex? See, that's another one of my boundaries. : '''Rex:''' White Knight may have had his issues, but he never resorted to anything like this! : '''Black Knight:''' I never planned to do this, Rex, but you've become a danger. : '''Rex''' ''[shocked]'': Caesar! Think! You can't do this! : '''Caesar:''' Of course I'm thinking. This is the logical conclusion to what we started. : '''Rex:''' The logical-- Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Raaah! Aah! : ''[Caesar blasts the mind-control laser, causing Rex to scream and groan in pain]'' : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. You'll thank me later. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You... better... believe I will! : '''Caesar:''' Please don't resist! It's only painful if you struggle! : '''Black Knight:''' What's taking so long? : '''Caesar:''' He's fighting it! His nantic energy is spiking off the scale! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Boost power. : '''Caesar:''' It's not safe to-- : '''Black Knight:''' It's for the best. : ''[Caesar increases power, causing Rex's nanites to go haywire as a tear fall down his cheek, heartbroken about his own brother betraying him]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Manages to overpower the mind-control machine, much to the surprise and wonder of Caesar and Black Knight]'' : '''Rex:''' You just drew a line in the sand, bro! ''[runs off]'' : '''Black Knight:''' You'd better have a backup. : '''Caesar:''' The prototype. Not portable, but more than enough power, even for him. : '''Black Knight:''' Get it ready. : '''Rex:''' Unh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' No mood to get slimed right now, mel! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' What happened to your EVO control? : '''Black Knight:''' A demonstration. You know what would happen without our influence. : '''Rex:''' So, you're hijacking its brain, like you tried to do with mine. : '''Black Knight:''' That won't be necessary if you'll willingly cooperate. : '''Rex:''' Translation-- if I do everything you say. : '''Black Knight:''' You've seen how we can work together. Providence still needs you. There will always be a few EVOs we can't control. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I'm one of them. : '''Black Pawns:''' Shall we pursue? : '''Black Knight:''' Most definitely. : '''Rex:''' Gangway! Coming through! Huh? No! Huh. Black Pawns. Overdoing the whole theme, don't you think? : ''[Rex groaning]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yah! I'm getting beat up by the chess club! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' We... got off on the wrong foot. Stow the hardware and come with us. You have my word you won't be harmed. We can start over-- the right way. : '''Bobo:''' You mind? You're interrupting the enjoyment of my employee benefits. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : ''[Rex panting]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Rex was tranquilized]'' Excellent work. Take him to the lab. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? No way! You're not turning my brain to mashed potatoes! Doc?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Welcome back, Rex. : '''Six:''' Good to see you, kid. : '''Rex:''' Before I blame this on a Burrito-induced nightmare, will someone please tell me-- What... Is... Going... On?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What do you think? We've been looking for you. : '''Six:''' We knew Providence might find you first. Fortunately, we planted a mole. : '''Bobo:''' Ehh. Rex! Put 'er there! : '''Rex:''' Uhh! You didn't wash! Oh! You didn't wash! But that means... that he really was... Robo Bobo? : '''Bobo:''' In the flesh. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Literally. I gave it a biological upgrade, complete with his own nanites and... fleas, ticks, lice, chigger mites. : '''Bobo:''' What can I say? I'm an ecosystem. : '''Six:''' It's enough to fool your brother's equipment. The robot is only providing limited intel. But one thing is sure-- new Providence is about more than just getting Evos off the streets. : '''Rex:''' I saw it. Whatever they're doing over there is seriously messed up. : '''Six:''' That's why we've set up our own operation. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Where did you get all of this? : '''Six:''' We have our sources. : '''Rex:''' So, we're like super secret spies now? Cool! :''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's too bad about White, though. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm gonna miss that pasty guy. : '''White Knight:''' How touching, Rex. I, on the other hand, would rather enjoyed the last six Rex-free months. Now... if we're done with the love-in, we have work to do. : '''Rex:''' It really can't get any better than this. Oh, except one thing-- can I get a TV? ===Crash and Burn=== *From this episode, Rex can create two builds at once :''[Bobo yawns]'' :'''Bobo:''' They say nothin' good happens after midnight. And, you know, they're right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm worried about you, Bobo. Since we left Providence, you've been staying out every night. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo gulps]'' :'''Bobo:''' That's not the least of your worries. Seen our boy lately? :''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex is fine. He just needs time to adjust to our new setting. Rex? It's Holiday. Are you there? :'''Rex:''' Hey, doc. What up? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Just checking in. Everything okay? :'''Rex:''' Better than okay. I'm about to set a new land-speed record' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That wasn't what I meant. How are you feeling? :'''Rex:''' Appreciate the concern, but the only thing on my mind right now is the need for speed. Apparently, I'm not alone. I'll call you back. Hey! Slow down! I want to talk to you! Ah. You want to play chicken. Doc? Bobo? I'm getting blitzed by some bikers. Aah! :'''Rand:''' Might as well give up! I won't quit! I'm a relentless, never-say-die, nonstop-- Uh, hey, wait a minute. Who are you? :'''Rex:''' Think you could have asked me that before trying to run me down? :'''Rand:''' Ooh! My fault. I thought you were one of us. :'''Rex:''' "One of us"? What is this? :'''Rand:''' Sorry, dude. No time to chat. Peace. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, like I'm gonna take that for an answer. A street race? Or a demolition derby? :''[Lance grunts]'' :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Lance:''' Gonna need a bike. :'''Rex:''' Can't believe you survive that! You must be the luckiest guy on the-- These are nanites. :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Oh, come on! :'''Six:''' Something wrong? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Prototypes. I prefer tried-and-tested. And I don't even know what we're going to do with half of this stuff. :'''Bobo:''' You're goin' soft, gettin' worked over by a bunch of goofballs on motorcycles. :'''Rex:''' They had weapons. :'''Bobo:''' Last time I checked, so did you. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but not while I'm on my bike. I'm strictly one at a time. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites that have infected his body are slowly poisoning him. I've never seen anything like it. :'''Rex:''' Do what you can, Doc? I'm gonna go out and look for those racers. :'''Bobo:''' Sounds dangerous. :'''Rex:''' Sure, Bobo. You can come, too. The nanites we found on the biker gave off a different energy signature. Gonna use one of Holiday's new toys to try to scan for it. A bunch of them. And they're moving fast. :'''Bobo:''' Then step on it! Maybe Holiday has a point about prototypes! :'''Rex:''' Or maybe they're not on the streets. I'll watch the road. You watch the screen. :'''Bobo:''' Gotta warn you-- Chimps make bad navigators! :'''Rex:''' Just do it! :'''Bobo:''' Hmm? Left! You're goin' left! Make a right! Another right! :'''Rex:''' Which way? :'''Bobo:''' I don't know! That way-ish! Wah! Like I said-- Monkeys make great navigators! This is your biker gang? :'''Rex:''' They had weapons before I'm telling you-- They're tough! :'''Bobo:''' If you say so. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Wall. :''[Bobo and Rex grunts]'' :'''Moss:''' That's some fancy ridin'. You following us, kid? :'''Rex:''' Still think they don't look tough? :'''Bobo:''' I take it back. :'''Moss:''' Who are you, kid? 'Cause whoever you are, you're not bad. :'''Rand:''' You're awesome! Where'd you learn to ride like that? Anybody with that kind of skill should be with us. Yeah! :'''Moss:''' What's your secret? :'''Rex:''' No secret. I'm just built that way. :'''Lunk:''' Is that guy from TV-- The one who fights EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Five bucks for pictures, ten bucks for autographs. :'''Rand:''' A talking monkey! Outrageous! I gotta have one. Is he for sale? :'''Bobo:''' Brother, you can't afford me. :'''Rex:''' You guys seem tight-- For guys who try to kill each other. :'''Rand:''' We're not killers. We're racers. This is a legitimate sport. :'''Moss:''' It is what it is. Our races aren't for the weak. Name's Moss. You've met Rand. :'''Rex:''' He tried to blow me up. :'''Rand:''' I missed. You're welcome. Come on, don't leave me hangin'. :'''Moss:''' Never met a celebrity who could ride. :'''Rex:''' I caught you, didn't I? :'''Moss:''' But are you tough enough try me? :'''Rex:''' Try me. :'''Bobo:''' You gotta fight back? :'''Rex:''' With what? :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. Fine, leave it to Chimpy. Aah! I'll take that. Phbt! :'''Rex:''' Something else on the map-- Moving fast! And it's big! :'''Providence Agent:''' Halt! You kids! Pull over! Now! :'''Moss:''' Cops! :'''Bobo:''' Worst than cops-- Providence. :'''Rex:''' The bikes give off a nanite signature. They must have tracked it. :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex, what are you doing here? :'''Rex:''' Research. You don't want to get caught up in this! Back off now! Sorry, guys. Have Black Knight sent me the bill. :'''Rand:''' Ha! No way! You want to beat me, you gotta step your game up. Aah! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Rand! :'''Bobo:''' Don't stop! Kid's wearing armor. He's fine. :'''Rex:''' No! Something's wrong! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' What is this thing? Doc? Get over here quick. We've got another one. :'''Biker gangs:''' WHOO-HOO-HOO! :''[Biker gangs laughs]'' :'''Biker gangs:''' Yeah! :'''Moss:''' We thought you'd bailed on us. Where were you? :'''Rex:''' Watching a doctor try to save Rand's life. :'''Moss:''' Racers get sick sometimes. It's part of the life. :'''Rex:''' Those nanite power sources-- you got to stop using them. To feel one with the road, that rush? So some people get sick. When we're on our rides, nothing else matters. :'''Rex:''' Your rides are killing you! You're gonna be dead-- All of you! And for what? So you can go a little faster? :'''Moss:''' We need those things to ride. You know what it's like. :'''Lunk:''' Please. Don't take our bikes away. :'''Rex:''' Nobody's going to take your bikes. But I need to know where you got those nanites. :'''Lunk:''' ''[sighs]'' A guy named Valve. He supplies the superchargers. :'''Moss:''' You're wasting your time. Valve never talks to anybody. :'''Rex:''' He'll talk to me. :'''Bobo:''' Been in a lot of bad biker dives, but this is the worst I've ever seen. :'''Valve:''' Enter, strangers. The biker will see you now. Please, sit. May I offer you some tea? :'''Rex:''' I'll pass. :'''Valve:''' Suit yourself. I find a good cup of tea soothing-- for the body and the soul. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Valve:''' You don't have to tell the biker why you're here. The biker can tell. You wish to buy a supercharger. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Rex:''' Your superchargers are killing people. It's gonna stop. :''[Valve breathes deeply]'' :'''Valve:''' Hmm. That sounds like a challenge. :'''Rex:''' Maybe it is. I'll race you for them. If I win, you hand over your entire stockpile. :'''Valve:''' Shh! Your answer is on the wind. :'''Rex:''' You're... not right in the head, are you? :'''Valve:''' When the wind commands, the impossible game must be gamed. The challenge is accepted. We will race for the superchargers. And when the biker wins... It won't matter. :'''Rex:''' Why is that? :'''Valve:''' Because you'll be dead. Let the race begin. :'''Moss:''' This is his own private track. He knows it better than anyone. You can still back out-- Probably. :'''Rex:''' And let people become poison, like Valve? No. I can take him. Just give me something to hit him with. You guys are walking arsenals. You don't have anything? :'''Moss:''' You didn't think we'd need 'em today. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Message from Holiday. The two sick teens have stabilized, but she's still a ways from finding a cure. :'''Rex:''' It was the only weapon I could find, okay? Can I borrow the sword? :'''Six:''' Use your own. :'''Rex:''' On wheels? It's not gonna happen. :'''Six:''' What's stopping you? :'''Rex:''' Well, for one thing, I-- Um, not sure exactly. :'''Six:''' What have I been teaching you? Focus on what you want and make it happen. No more excuses. :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :'''Valve:''' You're lucky. One the very best get a chance at this track. :'''Rex:''' Then I should fit right in. Rules of the game-- ten laps. Cross the finish line before the biker, and you may have them. :'''Rex:''' So, is the wind talking to you now? :'''Valve:''' The wind commands the Biker to destroy you. The Biker is happy to oblige. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' You gonna help him? :'''Six:''' He's doing fine. :'''Bobo:''' Are you watchin' the same race I am? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' You're in trouble, Rex! No. Keep it together. Keep... it... together. Six said it-- Focus. Focus. Focus! :''[Valve laughs]'' :'''Valve:''' Oblivion. :'''Six:''' Like I sad-- He's doing fine. :'''Rex:''' Double-up! Where have you been all my life? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Cute toy. But I like mine better. :'''Valve:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Was there any doubt? :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, plenty. :''[Valve panting]'' :'''Rex:''' We had the deal. Remember? :'''Valve:''' Like the storm that changes directions on a whim, the biker is changing the deal. 'Cause the biker-- ''[grunts]'' Doesn't like! ''[grunts]'' The biker-- ''[grunts]'' never loses! ''[grunts]'' Unh! :'''Rex:''' First time for everything. Thank you, Six. :'''Six:''' It was all you, kid. :'''Moss:''' Rand! :'''Biker gangs:''' Oh, Rand! Good to see you! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Completely detoxified. In a couple days, they'll be back to full strength. Those could be useful at the new base. :'''Moss:''' You can't stop us from riding. :'''Rex:''' What's stopping you? You can still ride. You just won't be poisoned by nanites. Come on. Race you back to the garage. :''[Rex rides off]'' :'''Moss:''' ''[Chasing after Rex]'' You heard the man. Hit it! :'''Six:''' You do realize we just turned a group of reckless teenage boys loose on the city. :'''Bobo:''' All in a day's work. ===Heroes United, Part 1=== :'''Caesar:''' Now where are you? So it ''is'' you. This is most disturbing. <hr width80%> : '''Ben:''' You know the friend you care about!? Well, I have a cousin, a grandfather, a best friend that I care about!! They don't exist here! I may never see them again! I'm totally alone! So go ahead! Do your worst. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we can help each other. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I'm curious how big brother knows about something from a parallel dimension. : '''Caesar:''' Because I sent it there. In the early days of the Nanite Project, our goal was simple. Construct microscopic machines to cure diseases, grow new cells, regenerate bones. They was a control issue. Some thought a human-machine link was the answer. Others proposed that the machines control themselves. I was in latter cam. I developed the Alpha to control other nanites. To maximize its effectiveness, I had to program Alpha to think for itself. :'''Ben:''' Does a low explanation mean something bad on your Earth too? :'''Rex:''' Yep. :'''Caesar:''' Alpha developed its own consciousness. It evolved into a unique life-form. It wanted a body, but whatever it built burned out. So when Alpha attempted possessing living this, Alpha had to be eliminated. So I built a dimensional disruptor. :'''Ben:''' Looks like a Null Void gun. We got some like those back home, too. ===Heroes United, Part 2=== :'''Alpha:''' The nanites in those creatures. They are different, powerful. Your nanites are weak. I have no use for you. Where is the boy? :'''Holiday:''' His nanites are off limits!! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' My brother!? Look around! He's not here! :'''Alpha:''' The father is redundant. Now that I found you. <hr width80%> :'''Alpha:''' I cannot merge! What makes you so special, human? Yes. You shelter an Omega. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Don't let it get to Rex! If it drains his nanites-! :'''Diamondhead:''' Game over. I get it. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': My most powerful builds came from the Omega nanite. A lot of people are going to get hurt and I can't stop it. What happens when the best you can do just isn't enough? :'''Ben''': You get an Upgrade. :'''Rex:''' Weren't you listening? Alpha has the Omega. :'''Ben:''' I'm not talking about a nanite. :(''Transforms into Upgrade'') :'''Rex''': Hey, what are you- ''[Upgrade merges with Rex]'' Whoa, okay, that feels weird. ''[Upgrade covers Rex's body like a suit]'' Wow, what supposed to happen now? ''[Upgrade's head appears on Rex's left shoulder]'' Uh...don't do that, you freaking me out! :'''Upgrade''': Build something! :'''Rex''': ''[Builds a Smack Arm, which is modified by Upgrade]'' Sweet, so what's the plan? :'''Upgrade''': You build stuff, I make it better. Fight fight fight, we win! :'''Rex''': Works for me! ''[Rex builds a Boogie Pack and blasts off]'' <hr width80%> :'''Alpha''': Organics who rely on machines for their power, I don't need. The machines themselves, now those I will have. ===Phantom of the Soap Opera=== :'''Rex Salazar:''' In a world he never chose and barely understands... ''[Rex looks over the countryside from a cliff, jumps and lands in a snow scene]'' One incredibly good looking guy fights for us all. His name...you know it baby...Rex. ''[jumps into a lake scene]'' Forget train wrecks... ''[punches]'' And car wrecks... ''[kicks]'' Nothing brings the pain like this Rex. ''[runs into city scene. EVO walks down street, Rex runs up, jumps, grabs EVO's head and tears it off. Holds it over his head in victory gesture.]'' :'''Actor in costume:''' Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious kid. :'''Noah Nixon:''' Ah, anytime you want to stop trying to get me fired get back to the tour. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. Got caught up in the moment. :'''Actor in costume:''' Ah, dude? :''[Rex puts head back on the man in EVO costume.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' And on your left, the sound stage where they make the hit TV show Middle School Talent show. :''[Teen girls on tour squeal and run towards it.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' That's a closed set. ''[Noah pulls on his hair]'' C'mon, this is my first week as a page, I could lose my job! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got this. ''[pulls girls back from stage with turbines]'' I just don't get girls, how come they get so... ''[notices something behind Noah, acts all excited]'' Huh hu oh huh... oh El Amor de la Pasion del Amor! Why didn't you tell me EADLPDA was made here? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Um, probably because I didn't really believe you actually still watch a soap opera. :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's a telenovela. The actresses are smoking hot. And I don't have cable?...ah c'mon dude don't be a hater. ''[crosses arms]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Whatever. We're not going in there, they get like ten safety violations a week, no one's allowed in accept crew and studio staff. :'''Rex Salazar:''' You mean like pages? ''[Brushes Noah's shoulder with his hand, smiling. Noah brushes his hand away.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' No way. My boss is a total butt-buster for the rules and she is always watching. ''[makes binocular with his hands]'' :'''Head Page:''' You got that right bub. ''[Rex looks behind him, and jumps away]'' By the way Page, you lose something? ''[has three girls from Noah's tour group tied up in a rope]'' Found these wandering over by Middle School Talent Show. ''[Noah runs over and unties them, rope falls]'' :'''Head Page:''' ''[points to her left eye]'' I got my one good eye on you, Nixon. :''[On set of telenovela]'' :''[Isabella crying]'' :'''Reymundo:''' Pensabas que yo era tu marido. ¡Pero fue una mentira! Pero la verdad es que soy Reymundo, el hermano diabólico de Reynaldo. :'''Isabella:''' Yo sé, pero todavía te amo. :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[standing by salad bar in cafeteria looking up at TV screen]'' How can anyone say that's not great! :''[Man in cowboy hat tips his hat to Noah]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa? Celebrities know you? :''[There are drinks on their trays at this point, then in the next frame there are no drinks on their trays and they go over to get drinks.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' The only one here who knows my name is my boss. I'm just a newb on an internship. :''[Blond girl puts her hand on Noah's shoulder and reaches across him to get a soda, walks away, looks back and gives him a finger gun.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Yeah right, you just got a finger gun from TV weather lady Summer Sonnenshine. :'''Noah Nixon:''' It's the page jacket not me, if you put this thing on everyone would think you work here. Still. I gotta admit it's pretty cool. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Y'know, I didn't even know you'd applied for this. But I guess when you jump ahead in time you gotta expect some surprises...OH MY GOSH... ''[drops tray]'' It's Isabella, from El Amor del Pasion del Amor. :''[Rex throws up his arms, knocks tray into Noah's chest spilling it all over his jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' AHHH! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I know she's even hotter in real life than she is on the... :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[looks down at tray and jacket]'' Ohhhhh... :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, okay don't worry... :'''Head Page:''' ''[yelling at another page behind Rex]'' You call yourself a page! :'''Rex:''' Okay worry. ''[puts his fingers together]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' This is a huge violation of the dress code, oh I am so fired! :'''Rex Salazar:''' No you're not. Come on, move! :''[They run to a supply closet.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' I've gotta lead another tour in 45 minutes. We can't get to a dry cleaners and back in 45 minutes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is my bad, but I can fix this. ''[Noah panicking, rocking and hyperventilating]'' We just have to calm down and think. Just calm down. ''[Rex points at Noah]'' Noah, calm down! :''[Rex grabs a bottle of pickles off the shelf, opens the lid and throw contents of jar at Noah's head. A pickle ends up in Noah's mouth, he spits it out.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Not helping. ''[Noah, calm now and not hyperventilating and rocking, wipes pickle juice out of his eyes.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, listen we passed the wardrobe department on the tour, they've gotta have a washer and dryer right? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Uh... yeah, I guess? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Alright, good, give me your outfit and stay put, I'll take care of everything else. :''[Scene change. Sign which says laundry stages commissary.]'' :''[Rex runs towards laundry, passes stage of telenovela. Grins and stops. Looks into open door. Looks down at soiled jacket. Up at stage doorway. Walks away. Runs back and grins bigger. Walks into stage with Noah's jacket on.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :'''Isabella:''' Finally! You are here! :''[Isabella kisses Rex all over his face.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is happening, right? I'm not going to wake up and be making out with my pillow again am I? :'''Isabella:''' Come with me, they want to cancel us you know. That's why the studio puts us here in this place falling apart with all the accidentes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Soap operas do not get the respect they deserve. :'''Isabella:''' You are very wise for your age. We don't even go backstage anymore. Too dangerous. :''[A silhouette of a rat is seen, it squeaks]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Is that our page? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :''[Rex falls]'' :'''Isabella:''' He's mine, I saw him first! :''[Rex gets up and Isabella grabs him.]'' :'''Isabella:''' He is mine!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hum? :'''Beatriz:''' Why don't we let him decide? :'''[Rex is being pulled back and forth]'' :'''Isabella:''' You would like that wouldn't you? :'''Beatriz:''' Yes I would! Very much. :'''Isabella:''' Fine. :''[Girls growl at each other and walk away.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[grinning]'' Did they just cat-fight over me? :''[The girls come back with lists.]'' :'''Isabella:''' Here is a list of what I need you to do! :'''Beatriz:''' And here's mine! :'''Rex Salazar:''' You want me to work on the show? :'''Beatriz:''' Claro que si, we haven't had a page on set in ages. :'''Rex Salazar:''' But I'm not ... ''[looks over the girls]'' ...able to think of one reason why I would pass this up. :''[Screen cuts to Noah looking out the door. He sees the chief page and closes the door quickly, after that, the scene changes back to Rex carrying boxes of water with yogurt on top.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got your yogurt, but I couldn't find the water you wanted. So I got these. :'''Isabella:''' You are dead to me! But I will take this one. ''[takes yogurt]'' :''[Rex stares in shock and drops the boxes full of water.]'' :''[Old man walks in a dressing room, and Reynaldo comes out soon later.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, it's Reynaldo! Uh, coffee? ''[offers him a mug of coffee]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Gracias. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Leche? :'''Reynaldo:''' How dare you! I am lactose intolerant. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh, okay, didn't know that. Sugar? :''[Reynaldo knocks the sugar out of his hand.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Real men take their coffee strong and hot. Are you suggesting that I am not a real man? :''[Rex looks around and the phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex, where are you? :'''Reynaldo:''' No phone! ''[Reynaldo knocks the phone out of his hand.]'' You will talk to me face to face. Mano a mano! ''[grabs Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait what are you... ''[Reynaldo pulls Rex away from table. Stage light falls where Rex was standing]'' ...Oh, thanks! :''[Everyone runs up to them.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Not another accidente! :'''Isabella:''' ''[scared]'' Ay. Dios mio! No! :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's okay, I'm fine. :'''Isabella:''' ''[pushes Rex down]'' My jogurt! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'd hate to be the guy that has to clean that up... ''[whispers to man though they look at him]'' Oh. ''[Reynaldo hands him the mop.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone was trying to kill us. :'''Reynaldo:''' Someone is. The head of the studio is trying to kill our soap opera. That's why he put us in this accursed stage, with all these accidentes. But we... ''[another stage light falls and hits his head, he falls to the ground]'' Aahh... Por que? Ay. :''[Rex looks up and sees a mongoose...runs after it...goes backstage. Sees clowns and a sign saying “Mongo”.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ugh! Clowns. :''[The mongoose squeaks.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Lemme guess. You're the one who's been causing all the accidents. :''[Mongo growls, bears teeth]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, let's say we can wrap this up quietly. Last thing I need is someone wondering why the guy in the page jacket can do this. ''[wraps Mongo up in the whip thing, Mongo gets tiny, escapes, growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Guess that explains how you've been able to hide out back here. ''[Mongo pulls lever cannon comes out of floor and fires at Rex. Platform falls Rex dodges. Mongo squeaks]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Can we please do this a little more quietly and with a lot less YOU trying to kill me? :''[Mongo jumps into the “O” of his name on the sign.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Wait, that's you, isn't it? You just want your job back. I can help you. ''[reaches in and tries to cure him Mongo runs out and traps Rex's hand]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Enough with the booby traps, I'm trying to help you. ''[Mongo sets off another trap]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-oh. [makes big fist, weight on rope swings and hits Rex, makes noise] :'''Beatriz:''' What's going on back there? :'''Isabella:''' Where is that page? I am beginning to wonder ...HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR HIM TO CLEAN UP MY JOGURT!!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Getting thrown around back stage]'' Ouch. ''[gets beat up by mechanical clowns]'' :''[Mongo cuts stars from ceiling they fall and cut Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ok, New plan-- First I smash your face, then I cure you. :''[Mongo knocks over equipment]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. ''[grabs equipment, Mongo jumps on his arm, punches him and he falls]'' Oww! Look out! :''[Actors run from set, Rex falls and smashes set]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uhh, okay here's the deal—all the accidents you've been having they were caused by an EVO backstage. It used to be a mongoose and now it wants it's old job back. ''[last wall of stage set falls behind him]'' :'''Beatriz:''' What are jou talking about? :'''Isabella:''' We just saw you ruin our set. :'''Reynaldo:''' You are trying to destroy this soap opera just like the rest of them! It is true what they say, this sound stage must be cursed for us to have such a horrible page such as you, Senior... ''[looks at name badge]'' Noah Nixon. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, wait. This isn't Noah's fault. :''[Three actors gasps]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' ''[tears off his own shirt]'' Now you insult us by talking about yourself in the third person! Somehow we must rebuild and finish our shoot! But as soon as we do, Noah Nixon, I will have you fired! :''[Workers fixing set, Rex's phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex! Finally. How's the jacket? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Umm. Well, the good news is you won't notice the stain anymore. Hey uh, by the way, your page training, did it include anything about the creepy backstage in studio B? :'''Noah Nixon: What? Why are you-- :'''Rex Salazar:''' No reason. I was just thinking, hypothetically, what would happen if I used your jacket to take a quick peek at the telenovela and ended up chasing some killer EVO mongoose? Hypothetically... Uh...Noah? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Sorry, just trying to figure out how to tell my parents I have no future. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey I got this. I hit a little snag. Just keep your pants on. :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[sitting the maintenance closet in his underwear]'' Heh! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry, look, you don't have anything to worry about all I have to do is catch the EVO before they finish shooting and clear my... your name. :'''Noah Nixon:''' You know what? I'm not worried. I am completely resigned to the fact that I am losing my job. ''[Noah hangs up on Rex. Rex hears dial tone.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' ''[to Reynaldo]'' You are bleeding! :'''Reynaldo:''' What I am is an actor! We must shoot this scene. We cannot let them cancel us! ''[moans and falls on his face crushing a chair]'' :'''Beatriz:''' You cannot go on. :'''Isabella:''' If only there were someone else here who knows our show, is fluent in Spanish, and will do a scene in which he kisses me. :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'll do it!!! :'''Reynaldo:''' You? The one who ruined our set and lied about the EVO? I'd rather die! But then, my life will surely end if the show is canceled, so maybe... But no! It's impossible. But yet, what is more impossible than a dream. Nothing means more than my dream of saving this telenovela! :'''Rex Salazar:''' So, is that a-- :'''Reynaldo:''' Si. You will be our savior. And then I will have you fired. Accion! :''[Rex is dressed as Reynaldo. Takes Isabella in his arms and looks deep into her eyes, smiles..then turns away, sees Mongo and gasps. Isabella pulls his face back to her and puckers for a kiss. Mongo squeaks and runs out the door and Rex turns his eyes towards it.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[thinking]'' Okay no kiss, but you're gonna save Noah's job! ''[groans]'' Nope. Doesn't make it any better. ''[Runs out Isabelle runs after him, trips on his wig and falls to the ground gasping, reaching after him]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[makes Rex Ride to chase Mongo down alley. Runs into a set. Falls]'' Where'd you go? :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Page! Take this script to post, pronto. :'''Rex Salazar: Hey wait, I'm not-- :'''Guy in suit:''' Oh? You're not going to do it? Are you talking back to me Mr.... Nixon? :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. Mr. Nixon is not definitely not talking back to whoever you are. ''[takes script, leaves]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[Points in the other direction of where Rex was going. Rex goes where he's pointing]'' :''[Rex walks by alley hears Mongo munching garbage, sneaks up, tries to cure it. It escapes, Rex corners it in dead end alley]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Oh you're not so tough when you can't hide, are you? ''[Mongo growls and grows huge]'' Oh so you can do that too. ''[Mongo roars, swipes at Rex with claws]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, watch the jacket. I'm in enough trouble already. ''[Sets down scripts. Big fists. Mongo shrinks to escape. Rex falls to the ground. Mongo gets huge again behind him, tries to stomp on Rex, Rex rolls out of the way, Mongo shrinks and runs away, Rex climbs out of hole in ground breathing heavily and falls to ground.]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' ''[walks up]'' Are you kidding me? You still haven't delivered that script? ''[Rex runs off]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[points in other direction, Rex runs that way]'' :''[Mongo jumps off roof grows huge lands on Rex, grabs script.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, gimme that! ''[grabs Mongo with big fist throws him into a stage building]'' :''[Rex looks in the hole into the stage.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. ''[runs off after Mongo]'' :''[Mongo throws him higher than the roof tops, Rex lands on big feet, Mongo tackles him. Rex lands in front of the post building, grabs remains of script out of Mongo's mouth. Mongo runs away, Rex gathers script remains and hands it to man at post door.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I think this is for you. ''[runs after Mongo]'' :''[Phone rings]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Did you catch it? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Not yet, but I delivered a script for you, well, most of it. :'''Noah Nixon:''' I am so dead. :'''Lady with clipboard:''' ''[grabs Rex by the collar]'' Noah Nixon, you're right on time for your two p.m. tour. ''[Gives Rex clipboard and keys]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Driving tram with tourists]'' Uh, there's a building where some TV shows are made and there's another one and oh great there's the giant killer EVO. :''[Mongo chasing tram, Rex steps on gas. Tram goes sloooow. Mongo attacks tram. Rex lands, catches tourists with big hands, flies off on hoverboard]'' :'''Tourist:''' They had better special effects at my kids' school play. :''[Back on soap opera stage]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I need a bigger reaction from you. Bigger! :''[Rex crashes through ceiling with Mongo hanging on the bottom of his hoverboard, heading towards Isabella.]'' :''[Isabella screams and covers head, Mongo crashes into set]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Yes! That's it exactly! :''[Mongo growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Be careful or you're gonna get the hand. ''[big fists with right hand. Mongo jumps at him, Rex grins and raises his left hand and cures Mongo. Mongo lays on ground cute and unconscious.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' That's not the hand I meant. :''[Actors, stunned, applaud]'' :''[Rex picks up Mongo.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' You are a good page, Noah Nixon. :''[Mongo wakes up runs around on Rex and perches on his shoulder cutely.]'' :''[At supply closet with Noah, Rex walks in holding torn up jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Oh, my jacket! ''[Cuddles jacket, then holds it up and glares at Rex through the hole in it. Rex grins guiltily.]'' :''[Head Page walks in, Noah hides jacket, then realizes he is in underwear and tries to hide himself behind jacket.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I got a dozen calls from all over the lot about you, Nixon. I don't know what you were thinking. ''[He sits down, sweat runs down his face, he closes his eyes, frowns, runs head away. Head page grabs him and hugs him.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I'm proud of you, kiddo! It took me sixty seven years to make chief page. I bet you'll get the job in half that time. ''[Noah stands up holding jacket in front of him. Rex and Noah look puzzled Head Page walks to door, turns back]'' :'''Head Page:''' Oh and them soap opera fellas, eh, they got a special reward for you. ''[they look at each other with puzzled frowns]'' :''[Telenovela stage, Noah dressed as Reynaldo. Isabella kisses him.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' And cut! You look differante than you did before, Noah Nixon. ''[Noah looks up at his blond eyebrows and takes off the wig and mustache. Smiles at Reynaldo. Reynaldo looks at him thoughtfully.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I can see you've been to makeup. Good you finally look like a real man! ''[Noah smiles.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' [peeking in from backstage, makes a jealous face as Noah is laughing together with the actors.] It's OK, it's OK. You're a good friend, you're a good friend. :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Quit talking to yourself and get me some coffee! ''[Rex runs off]'' Nixon! :''[Mongo looking down from rafters]'' ===Riddle of the Sphinx=== :'''Egyptian Guide:''' They uncovered the tunnel during routine sewer work. No one has set foot in here in over 3.500 years. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Providence doesn't work the location yet? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' ''[laughs]'' The antiquities comission does not like this Black Knight. They keep her busy with much paperwork. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The maze looks like it extends for miles. They do that to keep looters out? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' Or to keep something in. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Anything that was trapped in here couldn't be alive after all this time. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' I-I-I must go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''': Watch out! Bobby traps. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' That's not what I'm afraid of. :'''Bobo:''' It's only been a few days since we heard from Holiday. :'''Six:''' Something's wrong. :'''Bobo:''' Maybe she wanted a vacation from you clowns. "Something's wrong." :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Providence! She in is trouble. :'''Six:''' Black Knight. And she has your better half. :'''Bobo:''' I'm predictin' an awkward situation. :'''Black Knight:''' Hello, Rex. If you came for your friend, I'll have to disappoint you. :'''Rex:''' That hairy creep? You can keep the traitor. Hey! My faithful guide, why don't you go away while we discuss business? :'''Bobo:''' It's me, you dopey tin can! Beat it! Or the boss lady's gonna get wise to our little switcheroo. :'''Rex:''' What's the campout for? :'''Black Knight:''' Routine scientific research. :'''Rex:''' Look, I know Holiday was here. What'd you do with her? :'''Black Knight:''' We arrived an hour ago. The locals say Holiday unleashed a monster down in the tunnels. The situation's under control. As soon as we've secured the tunnels, I'll send a team in to see if she's still alive. :'''Rex:''' I'm going with you. :'''Black Knight:''' You're going nowhere. You quit Providence. Unless you're recosindering? :'''Rex:''' Come on, guide. Holiday's in those tunnels. But Black Knight has a whole battalion of Providence goons guarding the entrance. :'''Six:''' I figured she'd be no help. That's why I found someone who knows a back way in. :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The Kushari is healthy. For the stomach, good. :'''Rex:''' Enough about the Kushari! Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' For so young, you in such a hurry. And old cook like me, I live by selling Kushari. Why not buy some? You buy, I give you more information. :'''Bobo:''' Ah, come on. Stop bein' so stingy. Buy some more. :'''Six:''' Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The sewer man-- They came to fix a leak. They found the tunnel to the entrance in my basement. :'''Bobo:''' Mmm! :'''Rex:''' Way cool! Maybe we'll see some mummies! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Tell us where Holiday is! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Where do you think I am? :'''Six:''' Holiday! :'''Bobo:''' So, what's with the halloween get up, doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I found it in one of the chambers. Scares off the curious. I need to get to the bottom of all this before Black Knight. :'''Rex:''' The bottom of what? This is all ancient history? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You can this ancient history? :'''Rex:''' That looks like a nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's because it is a nanite. :'''Six:''' How could they have knowledge back then? :'''Rex:''' Aliens! Like the ones that built the pyramids. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' None of this is more advanced that the 21st century. It's not aliens. I think the answers lie behind this door. But I can't figure out how to open it. :'''Rex:''' Open the door? No problem, Doc! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Stop! This whole place is booby-trapped. We open this wrong, they'll bring the tunnels down on us. :'''Rex:''' If there's a wrong way to open it, then that means there's a right way, too. Maybe the nanite picture is a clue. The whole thing is rigged like one. Told you-- No prob. Whoa, mumies. :'''Bobo:''' What are you lookin' at, beautiful? :'''Rex:''' Ha! Awesome! I'd love to see the look on Knight's face when she finds out we've beat her here. :'''Black Knight:''' Then let me step a little closer so you can see. :'''Six:''' How'd you find us? :'''Black Knight:''' Your mole helped me. :'''Bobo:''' Sorry, pal. :'''Black Knight:''' I should have known better. It's old junk from the dead. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Guranset:''' Gharun Set is not dead. :'''Rex:''' Put her down! :'''Black Knight:''' This isn't the time for violence. Our host has forgotten his manners. I presume he hasn't had guests in a long time. :'''Guranset:''' Almost an eternity. Gharun Set said has waited for his release. Awaken this cursed prison through the ages. :'''Black Knight:''' You speak English. That is interesting. Who taught your own language, Gharun Set? :'''Guranset:''' I was taught by the great father. :'''Black Knight:''' Father? What did he look me? :'''Guranset:''' He is dead-- As all of you soon shall be! :'''Black Knight:''' Now's the time for violence. :'''Guranset:''' Aah! :'''Black Knight:''' A nanite disrupter. Something I had your brother's lab whip up. It's quite lethal. :'''Rex:''' Looks like the lab forgot to tell him that. :'''Guranset:''' The boy controls the engines of life? It can't be. I laid low the armies of six kingdoms, swordsman. You think your tiny blades can stop me? :'''Rex:''' Try this one for size! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His staff is a nanite disrupter. Get it away from him. :'''Rex:''' Easier said than done! :'''Guranset:''' Haah! :'''Rex:''' Oh, mummies! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, yeah, you got your mummies. I hope you're happy! :'''Six:''' Rex! We can handle this! He's getting away! :'''Guranset:''' One last trap to keep me imprisoned, father. Nothing will keep me from my destiny! You serve his plan, child, and don't even know it. :'''Rex:''' Everybody talk weird in ancient Egypt, or it is just your special thing? Uh... are they supposed to do that? :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Guranset:''' Finally! I am free! :'''Six:''' These EVO's won't say dead. :'''Bobo:''' Their breath stinks, too! Ah, boy! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You could thank me for saving your life. :'''Black Knight:''' Dr. Holiday, our lives are not safe yet. :'''Guranset:''' I am not alone. Together, we shall reconquer this land, and then.. the world! :'''Rex:''' Uh, I think the sun's baked him loopy. You can't reanimate that. It's a statue. :'''Guranset:''' This is not statue, child. It is a tomb. Arise, my mighty steed. Arise, my sphinx! :'''Rex:''' Providence, this is Rex. You may want to evacuate Cairo. :'''Guranset:''' This city is a blight upon my kingdom. All shall be as it once was. :'''Rex:''' I'm warning you, Gharun Set-- I don't want to have to get rough with you. Step off the pussycat. :'''Guranset:''' You presume to tell a pharaoph what to do. Be gone! :'''Six:''' Holiday. There's something I want to tell you before it's too late. :'''Bobo:''' Ugh. Hold still! Oh, no. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All of them. Like the nanites keeping them alive... self-destructed? I'm sorry. What were you going to say? :'''Six:''' Holiday... I, uh... :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hold that thought. :'''Bobo:''' What's it gonna be, the kooky chicks or we go help Rex save the world? :'''Six:''' Rex probably has this under control. Holiday needs my-- our help. :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, I can't resist a good catfight either. :'''Rex:''' Let me handle! This it's too dangerous! :'''Pilot:''' Black Knight, target sighted. It's riding a 50-foot-tall house cat. Please advise. :'''Black Knight:''' Do not harm. Contain and capture. We need that specimen. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Pilot disregard. Last order. Target no longer needed. Destroy. Repeat-- Destroy. :'''Pilot:''' You're with the lady. Lock and load. :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! Get out of here! I don't know what he's up to, but it's not good. :'''Garunset:''' Behold the majesty of my dream. My kingdom! My paradise! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What is this place? :'''Black Knight:''' It's the stuff of legends. The fabled hall of records which lay hidden beneath where the sphinx once was. :'''Bobo:''' "Was"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This can't be! That's the helix splitter. And that looks like a nano-flux inducer. Caesar built the first prototype of one last year. :'''Black Knight:''' I can't let you touch any of this. It's too unstable with age. When you blundered in the tomb, you set off a safeguard. Someone thought this room too dangerous for the world to know about. :'''Bobo:''' Agreed. Let's scram! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't! Don't you know what this means to science? The knowledge in here is invaluable. It cannot be lost-- Again! :'''Black Knight:''' It won't be! Now that we know where it is, we can dig it out later. We will study it. I promise you that. :'''Six''': Holiday. Let it go. :'''Guranset''': As father promised-- I will rule forever. :'''Rex''': Forever is gonna be shorter than you think. :'''Guranset''': No! Nooooo! :'''Rex''': Aw, come on! I didn't hit you that hard! :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Rex''': What's happening to you? :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Guranset''': Aaaaaaaaah! :''[Guranset grunts]'' :'''Guranset''': Do not touch your pharaoh. :'''Rex''': You need help. Your nanites are dying of old age-- I think. It's like starting an old car. Uh, o-or a camel. Let me help you. I can fix your nanites, and then maybe-- :'''Guranset''': Lies! :'''Rex''': You're in a strange time, a strange place. We have science, machines. We can help you. Trust us. :'''Guranset''': Like you trust the woman you call Black Knight? I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. Father told me of you... Rex. :'''Rex:''' What? How do you know my-- :'''Guranset''': I would have helped the world. Ended the hunger, the wars. But now he will return. Avenge me. ''[Echoing]'' I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. <hr width80/> :'''Black Knight:''' You wanted something? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The hall of records-- You can't keep it a secret. It must be studied. That hall-- :'''Black Knight:''' What hall? :'''Rex:''' Why'd you do that?! Holiday said-- :'''Black Knight:''' Some secrets are best left buried under the sands, Rex. :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Gentleman. Dr. Holiday. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, what'd you want to tell me back in the tomb? :'''Six:''' It can wait. :'''Rex:''' Don't wait too long. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All those priceless artifacts. And we still don't know who created Gharun Set. ===Guy vs. Guy=== :'''Rex:''' This means war. <hr width80%> ===Double Vision=== : ''[The episode starts as a butterfly flies through plants in a flower shop. Suddenly, Rex is thrown into the shop window, making nearby civilians run away. Rex gets up and looks out of the broken glass, seeing a beastly plant EVO, a few people watching, and Agent Six slashing his swords around to evade the EVO's tentacles.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Pants and brushes leaves off his sleeve and puts on goggles.]'' Not bad! : ''[Uses the Punk Busters to jump out of the shop and generates his Smack Hands to uppercut the EVO, causing it to crash into a nearby building.]'' But I'm better! : ''[The EVO gets out of the glass windows and roars, attacking Agent Six.]'' : '''Agent Six:''' ''[Cuts off a tentacle and walks towards Rex.]'' Talk is cheap, Rex. Prove it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Generating the Smack Hands.]'' No problemo. : ''[The EVO rushes towards Rex, unfortunately, Rex grabs it and slams it onto the ground. A random girl is driving up the road on a moped. However, she is stopped as the EVO blocks the path.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Putting his hands up to assure the girl.]'' Nothing to worry about, I've got this handled. ''[Turns to EVO, whom is still on the floor.]'' Okay big guy, say adiós to those nasty nanites. : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex kneels down to cure the EVO, flowers spout out of the EVO]'' Aw, for me? Does this mean we're dating? : ''[Suddenly, the flowers shoot out some goo into Rex's face, making him slam onto the floor, a crowd forms around the battle.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Yelps while getting up and pulls his goggles off and wipes the goo off his face.]'' Oh, that's better. ''[He gives his goggles to the random female on the moped]'' Hey! Watch these for me. ''[Runs back into battle and generates the Punk Busters and kicks the blacked out EVO over a building.]'' Goal! Hey thanks for holding onto my...huh?... : ''[Rex turns around to see the girl missing from the crowd. Deforming his Punk Busters, he spots the girl riding away on her moped. She turns to look back at Rex, appearing to have on his goggles.]'' : '''Rex:''' Goggles! : ''[Rex puts one of his hands up to signal for her to wait, but the EVO returns and wraps its tentacle around Rex's neck. The EVO twists Rex in mid-air in the sky for a minute before slamming him onto the cement. Rex gets up and sees the goggle girl riding away out of sight.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! You've got my...ungh...goggles... Aah! Ungh! Did you see that girl?! She stole my goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Priorities, Rex. : '''Rex:''' They are my priority, Six. I can pound EVOs any day. Those goggles are-- Ah, great. Who invited her? : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, gentlemen. We've got this covered. : '''Rex:''' We don't need any help. Whoa! Whoa! Ungh! : '''Black Knight:''' Obviously. Control collar-- Now. We'll take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Take it from whe-e-re?! I've already got this under contro-o-o-o-l! Whoa! Ugh! Let me try to cure it. : '''Black Knight:''' The new Providence protocol is to confine, constrain and control. If curing is an option, it will be considered-- At my discretion. : '''Rex:''' Control? I can cure it now and end this. : '''Black Knight:''' The offer still stands. If you want to come back to Providence, you can continue your mission. : '''Rex:''' I have my mission! : '''Black Knight:''' Curing every EVO on Earth isn't a mission, Rex. It's an impossibility. : '''Rex:''' Watch me. : '''Black Knight:''' Everybody back! Contain those seedlings! : '''Rex:''' You just made it worse! Now I've got to clean up your mess. Starting with this guy. See? Fearing works! : '''Black Knight:''' It was your actions that exacerbated this situation. I want full containment and control over those seedlings. Move out-- Now. : '''Agent Six:''' While you were arguing, Holiday found another sprout. Let's go deal with that before Providence does. : '''Rex:''' But-- My goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Focus, Rex. We've got work to do. : '''Rex:''' Nice work! : '''Agent Six:''' Drop in the bucket. Look below. : '''Rex:''' Wow. And I thought I'd be able to knock off early today. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' On the contrary, Rex. By overlaying current worldwide wind patterns on top of international population centers, we're looking at total global infestation within thirty-eight hours. : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, that's a lot of roughage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I need to get in the field and obtain some live samples. Bobo and I will meet you at the rendezvous point in the mobile command center. : '''Rex:''' Okay, doc. We're almost there. Hey! It's that girl! Wh-o-o-o-oa! : '''Agent Six:''' What's gotten into you, Rex? : '''Rex:''' My goggles-- I can't see without them! : '''Agent Six:''' Obviously, you can see without them. : '''Rex:''' Well, yeah, but I really need them a lot of the time. Don't you remember when I first got them? : '''Agent Six:''' Actually, no. : '''Rex:''' Oh. Sorry. My bad. It was early on, when I was just learning to control my powers. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Aaaah! Aah! Aaaaah! Oof! : '''Agent Six:''' Horse manure. : '''Rex:''' This is exactly why I need my goggles! Hey! I thought this thing was just a sprout! : '''Agent Six:''' It's the nature of plants to grow. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Very Zen of you, Six. Well, it's the nature of me to kick EVO butt! Whoa! Oof! Yuck! This stuff really stinks! : '''Agent Six:''' All yours. : '''Rex:''' Ta-da! And for my next trick... Oh, and look who's late to the party. : '''Black Knight:''' ''[Entering]'' Alpha team, I want you to lay down suppressive fire and-- : ''[Realizing the EVOs not there]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Belay that. Sit Ops, I was told we had a Class-Three EVO situation here. Where is the EVO? : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex hands her flowers]'' Sorry. This is all that's left. Six, are we good here? I've got to run. : '''Agent Six:''' I'd put those in water. : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Rex:''' Slow down! I just want to-- Ungh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? What?! No way! Hey! You've got my-- Ugh! Whoa! ...Goggles. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got bigger problems than a girl on a scooter, Rex. First a flower shop, then gardening supplies. It's getting hungrier. Gentlemen, I suggest you get to the sewage-treatment plant as quickly as possible. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Why? : '''Agent Six:''' Fertilizer, Rex, as in if those sprouts chow down on that much raw nourishment, we're in some deep... : ''[Plant EVO bursts through a nearby wall]'' : '''Rex:''' ...Horse maneure. Hungry? Eat this! : '''Agent Six:''' Holiday, get to the sewage plant. We'll meet you there after we clean up. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Clean up? I'd rather make a mess! Shoulda brought my chainsaw. : '''Agent Six:''' Shoot the seedlings! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, this time I'm going to-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Wait! Aw, man! Back off! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Bobo:''' You went a little nuts there, buddy. I like it! But... Goggles? : '''Rex:''' That EVO interrupted before I could finish the story. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Agent Six:''' Here, kid. Try these on. : '''Rex:''' Um, so I can look like a total doofus? : '''Agent Six:''' You have no idea how unique these goggles are, Rex. A reclusive weaponsmith in Zurich crafted this single pair before he turned EVO. : '''Rex:''' Really? And then what happened to him? : '''Agent Six:''' I did. He won't be crafting any more goggles. : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Agent Six:''' These are one-of-a-kind, Rex-- Special, for you. : '''Bobo:''' What a bunch of chimp chips! Those goggles are-- Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Wow. That is a lot of rampaging EVO. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. Lucky holiday-- She's right in the thick of it. : '''Rex:''' Lucky? : '''Bobo:''' She gets to try out all the special modifications I made to that sweet ride. : ''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Plant EVO has Holiday trapped inside the Mobile Command Center]'' Okay. Let's see how you like 10,000 volts of-- : ''[Holiday presses a button, and music starts playing]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo's mix tape?! Who puts the stereo next to the weapons system?! One more time-- Big red button. Always go for the big red button. Unless you don't want to drain the batteries to zero. : ''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo, your improvements could use some improvements. Rex, if you're not too busy, I'd appreciate a little assistance. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, ain't that your girlfriend? : '''Agent Six:''' She can take care of herself, right, Rex? : '''Rex:''' Right-- For now. : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's more like it. Ungh! Fine! Let's see how you like this! I don't know what you just did, Rex, but thanks. Rex? : '''Black Knight:''' I admit our last encounter didn't end well, but I think we need to work together on this one. : '''Rex:''' You want to work together? We left Providence, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex-- : '''Rex:''' What happened to "stay out of my way"? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' So now when you need somebody to take out your trash, you can just forget that I quit your crummy organization? : '''Black Knight:''' Yes, Rex, I can, because I don't let my emotions guide my choices. I only want what's best for Providence-- And the world. : '''Rex:''' Okay, cool. Just wanted to hear you say it. Aah! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, the EVO is too big to cure without getting to its core. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, I'm not doing much good out here! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All those vines, the seedlings, everything-- They're just puppets to the plant. Stop those nanites in the core, and you cut the strings. : '''Rex:''' On it! Huh?! : '''Agent Six:''' Watch it, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! All I want are my goggles. All I've wanted all day are my goggles, and this EVOs been blocking me over and over! Hey, Bobo, you know how to shoot one of these? : '''Bobo:''' Eh, how hard could it be? : '''Rex:''' Load me into this thing and point it right at that EVO's sweet spot. And hurry. I got better stuff to do. : '''Bobo:''' You do know that's 30,000 gallons of raw sewage you're aimin' at? : '''Rex:''' Don't remind me. Oh... Yuck! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! : '''Agent Six:''' Elegant solution, Rex. : '''Bobo:''' You don't smell elegant. You stink worse than me. I'm a little jealous. : '''Black Knight:''' All right, Rex. Get to work. : '''Rex:''' Work? What do you mean? I just served that vegetable! : '''Black Knight:''' You cut the strings, but you still have to fix the puppets. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' She's right, Rex. : '''Black Knight:''' You want to cure the world? Start curing. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa, man, I'm beat! I don't think I can move another inch if you paid me. : ''[Goggle girl rides past him]'' : '''Rex:''' Gotta move! See ya! Hey! Stop for a second! Six, I'm really starting to think this girl's got some kind of EVO action going on-- Teleporter, speedster, something. : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Six, she's not just a teleporter. She can make doubles of herself-- Multiple abilities! She's an EVO, like me! : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the skeevy guy who's been chasing me. He was chasing me, too. And me. What do you want? : '''Rex:''' You took my goggles! I want them back! : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey, Einstein, did you see our logo? That stands for "Goggle Girl", as in the delivery service. You haven't ever heard of us? : '''Rex:''' Um... No. : '''Goggle girl:''' "Nothing is cuter than a girl on a scooter." Kind of hard to miss. : ''[Goggle girl groans]'' : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the worst slogan ever. : '''Rex:''' But-- But my goggles! : '''Goggle girl:''' Part of our costume. The boss buys them in bulk, along with these cheesy wigs he makes us wear. It's kind of lame. : '''Rex:''' In bulk?! Those goggles?! But... They're one-of-a-kind! They're special! They're-- They're... I'll just go now. Nope. Nope. Definitely not. : '''Agent Six:''' I still don't know why those goggles were so important to you. : '''Rex:''' You gave to me, Six. It was the first present, the first nice thing that I remember getting since you found me. You said they were special, and that made me feel special. : '''Six:''' Yes, about those goggles... Apparently, according to Bobo, I may have misled you. There was dozens of them in the Providence service bay. : '''Rex:''' I knew the story was fake, but you told it because you cared about me. That's what made them special. : '''Agent Six:''' I see. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, champ. You got a package. : '''Goggle girl:''' Sign, please. : '''Agent Six:''' It's for you. From us. Just open it. : '''Rex:''' My goggles! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Better. We commissioned an enhanced version. : '''Rex:''' Cool! Infrared... Microscopic... Nanovision?! Thanks, you guys. You really are one-of-a-kind. : '''Bobo:''' Those are great, but these are me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need to hold on to them for a few more hours while I run a full diagnostic. : '''Rex:''' A few hours?! I just got them! Aw! : '''Bobo:''' Here-- Because I care. : '''Goggle girl:''' They actually look kinda cute. : '''Rex:''' Hey, doc! No rush! : '''Bobo:''' Ain't love grand? ===Black and White=== : '''Calan:''' Be advised, we've got activity. Major activity. Stop right there, or we'll shoot! Don't make me do it. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''Calan:''' Calan to command, tell Black Knight-- We have apprehended the intruders. Repeat, we got'em. : '''Rex:''' No! Get out of my head! Stop it! Stop! Stop with the talking! A dream. Oh, thank you! For a second, I swore that I heard his voice. It was almost like he was in the-- Room. Huh?! : '''White Knight:''' I was wondering if I was gonna have to send the monkey in with a bucket of water. But I thought, "why should he have all the fun?" Five minutes-- Situation room. Consider this your wake-up call. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you supposed to be playing dead? You're lucky Black Knight doesn't know you're here. : '''White Knight:''' Black Knight thinks what I want her to think. With the installation of the new regime, I suspected that there was more going on at providence than just this new control protocol. I decided to test my hypothesis. I needed time to operate freely without prying eyes. So I went off the grid. : '''Rex:''' And from the smell of it, you haven't changed out of your suit since then. : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''White Knight:''' I've been busy. I've been tracking their operations. They involve familiar locales and even more familiar machinery. : '''Rex:''' You still use a camera with film? Do they even make that stuff anymore? : '''White Knight:''' What they don't make are machines like these. This is the wreckage of Rylander's lab. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Are they doing what I think they're doing? : '''Rex:''' Do what? : '''White Knight:''' It appears that this new Providence is restarting the nanite program. : '''Rex:''' There is no way my brother would help restart something that nearly destroyed the world. There's got to be a good explanation. We should just ask him. : '''White Knight:''' We can't risk direct contact. We need to infiltrate Providence, download her computer banks, and assess how far along they are before we take any other actions. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over there. : '''Rex:''' Just saying there's more here than meets the eye. Whoa! : '''Six:''' Breaking into Providence? That's a big move, even for you. Black Knight is sure to have enhanced the security systems. We may be able to breach the perimeter defenses, but once inside, we'd be blind targets. : '''White Knight:''' You'd be right if we were playing on her board. : '''Six:''' Forgive me for doubting you. : '''Rex:''' Okay, is someone gonna tell me what these are for? This is so not going to work. : '''Six:''' Trust the plan. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, so, maybe they worked. But how'd you get them to do it on cue? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All a matter of timing. Assuming we get past the outer perimeter, securing the data is a completely different story. Providence encrypts all data. We need to disable multiple units before we can download anything off the mainframe. Doing that undetected is ''[sighs]'' insane. : '''Rex:''' Finally, a voice of reason. I'm calling my brother. Took the lady with three phds to realize what I've been saying all along is right. Hey, that costs money! I'm over my minutes! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you... This is... : '''Six:''' Doable. : '''Rex:''' Do what? What is that? A secret passage. : '''White Knight:''' When they built the tower, I had them install, these-- Upper-management corridors. : '''Six:''' In the old days, they called passages like these the king's road. : '''White Knight:''' From here, we face some unknowns. Stick to the plan. Or we could die. : '''Rex:''' What?! Me?! What about you?! Part of the plan was to do this quietly. : '''Calan:''' Stop right there, or we'll shoot! : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Here we go. Ok, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''White Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. : ''[Calan laughs]'' : '''Calan:''' Welcome back, sir. We've been waiting for you. : '''Rex:''' Que, huh? : '''Calan:''' Sorry for the scare, Rex. We couldn't guarantee the Black Knight wasn't taper our communications. It was best to keep radio silence. In any case-- Say hello to your man on the inside. He've got a bomb! All units, fall back, fall back! Captain Calan, do you copy? Report. : '''White Knight:''' Ready for a repeate performance? : '''Calan:''' Ready when you are, sir. Good luck, everyone. They're headed for the... petting zoo. : '''Holiday:''' Here it is. Just like he said. : '''White Knight:''' This is the Hive. The central nervous system of the entire complex. An electric field protects the inner chambers. We'll need the circuit bandage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I've got an idea, but you'll have to go in partially naked. We've got eyes everywhere. : '''Six:''' Good. Knight and I will handle the encryption towers. You know what to do with this. : '''Rex:''' No sweat. I'm on it. Just have to make one quick detour. Bro? You in here? Oh, no. No, no, no! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, is that you? What brings you here? : ''[Six groans]'' : '''Six:''' Partially naked. Tower one clear. Proceed to next phase. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Got it. Redirecting the data flow now. : '''Calan:''' Anyone hear for the monkey? : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Bobo:''' Offical pet desk. Keep your distance. : '''Rex:''' Is that Dr. Rylander? : '''Caesar:''' It is. Well, almost. After you brought back Van Kleiss, I couldn't help but to wonder if perhaps I might do the same for him. Unfortunately, Van Kleiss was already great in tune the nanites. As you can see, Dr. Rylander-- wasn't. : '''Rex:''' Ok, whatever. Listen, I'm here on a secret mission. : '''Caesar:''' Secret? : '''Rex:''' White Knight said-- : '''Caesar:''' White Knight is alive? : '''Rex:''' If you can call him that. Anyway, he says... you might wanna sit down for this part? That Black Knight is restarting the nanite program. Don't you think that's messed up? : '''Caesar:''' On the contrary. I'm in charge of it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Commencing download in T-2 minutes. White Knight has infiltrated sector three. You're right. They are monitoring our movements. How did you know? : '''White Knight:''' It's what I would do. Now start evac protocols. : '''Black Knight:''' I've torn this facility apart looking for that? When I found it, I still couldn't get to it. Bio-feed security system-- Clever. You have to be nanite-free to open it. I guessed you weren't dead. I knew if I let enough info leak about what we're doing here, you've showed up, eventually. I'll take it. : '''White Knight:''' You can try. : '''Black Knight:''' What ever you say. You were the boss. : '''White Knight:''' That's not a providence toy. : '''Black Knight:''' A woman is entitled her secrets. Especially when those secrets keep me alive. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''White Knight:''' Ohh! What I could've done with you if I hired you first. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't fool yourself, White. : '''White Knight:''' Ohh, ohh, ohh! : '''Black Knight:''' You were bandage at best. the Consortium knew that you weren't the leader for the future. Stand down, old man! : '''White Knight:''' I've got a few secrets of my own, kid. After all, this was my office. Consortium or not, it will be again. : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be advised, they're on to us. Making for the rendezvous. : '''Six:''' I'll take my swords back now. Please. : '''Rex:''' What are you doing, helping Black Knight? She's obviously the more psycho of the two knights. : '''Caesar:''' I'm not helping the Black Knight do anything. I'm trying to fix things. The day everything changed. We never imagined what would happen when we released the nanites. : '''Rex:''' Release them?! You caused the nanite event?! : '''Caesar:''' It was the only way we were going to save the world. : '''Rex:''' You unleashed the worst man-made disaster the world has ever seen!! You've ruined countless lives!! How can you say that you saved anything?! : '''Caesar:''' You weren't there... not in any way that mattered! If we hadn't-- : '''Rex:''' Hold that thought. Here, doggy, doggy. : '''Six:''' Excessive? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Sweet, actually. Now you're overdoing it. : '''White Knight:''' ''[panting]'' Are we finished here? ''[screams]'' Careful, Black. Your council wouldn't be too pleased if you destroyed the very thing you're after. : '''Black Knight:''' If doesn't have to be like this, White! The Consortium may have lost faith in you, but you know my methods are right. Come back. Under my protection, who knows? There may even be a promotion in it for you. : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' I am going to stop the Consortium. If you or Providence gets in my way, this tape goes public. : '''Black Knight:''' Wait! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stop! You're destroying my work! : '''Rex:''' Your work is done! And so are we! I got it. Time to blow this-- : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. Face it, kiddo... today is not your day. : '''Rex:''' Actually, today's wednesday, and wednesday means fiesta night at the cafeteria. Getting in is going to be cake... very dangerous cake. Any bright ideas on how we're getting out? : '''Bobo:''' I got one word for you, kid-- Plumbing. : '''Rex:''' I got it. Time to blow this... : '''Bobo:''' Taco stand. : '''White Knight:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Me and Van Gogh, unappreciated in our time. : '''Rex:''' All of that-- Was for that?! I got nanites, billions of 'em. : '''White Knight:''' Not like this one, Rex. This is a Meta Nanite. One of several. Hardwired into its design is a program for the original Dominion Code. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Dominion Code? I thought that was a myth. : '''White Knight:''' I can assure you, doctor, it is very real. Each one gives its host control over different building blocks of the universe- matter, antimatter, elemental, space, time, reality. With the complete code, you can control them. And through them, you control ''everything''. In sort, it's the God Code. : '''Rex:''' The Consortium want to be...gods? : '''White Knight:''' If it wasn't for the original Nanite Event scattering the Metas across the globe, they may have already succeeded. The situation has changed, people. Black Knight has been searching the globe for the other Meta-Nanites. She needs them all to complete the Master Program. As long as we're keeping her secret, she'll hold off. But sooner or later, she'll be coming for this with the full power of Providence and the Consortium at her back. So... if you want to move on, forget what I've told you. : '''Rex:''' You're not getting rid of us that easily, old man. My parents died for this. Black Knight wants war, war she gets. ===Deadzone=== : '''Holiday:''' "You cannot let him out of your sight, Rex. Don't you see why Black Knight wants him? He's the ultimate insurance against any E.V.O." : '''Rex:''' "Not just any. Me." <hr width80%> : '''Black Knight:''' "Since the search for Feakins is going nowhere, we have no choice but to become much more aggressive with Rex." ===Assault on Abysus=== : '''Diane Farrah:''' Through research and hard work, Providence has turned the curse of the EVO into a blessing. One that will serve mankind. Science and compassion have created a new future for all EVOs. A future filled with happiness and hope. : '''Black Pawn:''' You? Seen some EVOs pass through here? <hr width80%> *Rex and Circe finally admit their true feelings for one another. Unfortunately, there was not enough episodes to explore their romance further. <hr width80%> : ''[Somewhere in [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong, China]]'']'' : '''Circe:''' Okay. They're gone. : '''Skywwd:''' For now. Get out of here, Circe. Run! : '''Circe:''' I'm not leaving you guys. : '''Skywwd:''' You can pass as human. Go-- Before Providence gets you too. : '''Black Pawn:''' The girl! She's with them! : '''Skwwyd:''' Run! : '''Rex:''' Hmm? What's up? : '''Circe:''' You're the only person I could turn to. : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' I don't know. That's the hardest part. : '''Rex:''' You did what you had to do. : '''Circe:''' I left them there, Rex. Our friends. Providence has to be stopped. Someone needs to do something. : '''Rex:''' ''[puts his arms around Circe to comfort her]'' We are. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Am I disturbing you two? : '''Rex:''' No. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight wants to talk with you. : '''Rex:''' Ugh. What's he gonna yell at me for this time? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No, I meant Circe. He wants to talk to her. : '''Circe:''' Providence has been hunting these down, too? : '''White Knight:''' You didn't tell her about them, Rex? : '''Rex:''' I thought the Master Control Nanites were supposed to be top secret. : '''White Knight:''' She has to know if she's going to lead the mission. : '''Rex:''' Her? That was supposed to be my mission. : '''White Knight:''' It's no one's mission. It's about getting the job done. : '''Circe:''' Why me? : '''White Knight:''' Intelligence indicates that Providence has targeted a Master Control Nanite in Abysus. In Van Kleiss' old castle, to be more precise. You're the only one with the knowledge to get us in there. : '''Rex:''' I've been there before. How hard could it be? Circe, you don't have to. : '''Circe:''' If it helps stop Black Knight in Providence, I'm in. : '''Rex:''' Okay, Doc. We made it. The new power suit gave me more range, just like you said. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Circe:''' Thanks, Banak. We're trying to keep a low profile. Don't tell anyone, okay? : '''Rex:''' Good thing you knew the secret whistle or we might have been rooting around forever. : ''[Rex chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Get it? "Root"? Uh... This can't be easy coming back here. I owe you. : '''Circe:''' Forget it. We're even. I used you in the past, now you and your friends are using me. : '''Rex:''' Is there some sort of problem between you and me? : '''Circe:''' There's nothing between you and me. Just the mission. I don't have good memories of this place. Let's just leave it at that, okay? : '''Rex:''' Fine. I'm surprised we haven't run into-- Ugh! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Traitor! Stop her! : '''Circe:''' Aah! : '''Rex:''' Can you chill?! There's no time for this. Who's leading you now that Van Kleiss is gone? I need to speak to your leader. Figures. Biowolf, we have a problem. And... I need your help. : '''Biowulf:''' I will listen. : '''Rex:''' Great, because-- : '''Biowulf:''' Only after you. earn the right-- Through combat. : ''[Biowulf growls]'' : ''[Rex spits]'' : '''Rex:''' At least Van Kleiss was civilized. Buckle up, dog boy. : '''Biowulf:''' You may speak. This nanite you want-- It's not here. None of us have seen it up in the castle or the blast source. : '''Rex:''' I didn't say up. It's down. White Knight thinks it's under the castle. Some other secure lab area. : '''Biowulf:''' The primary chamber? : '''Circe:''' It's under the castle? Van Kleiss always said it was forbidden for us to go there. : '''Rex:''' You think he remembered to tell Black Knight that? Let me take it out of here. : '''Biowulf:''' No! You're a traitor to your own kind. A lapdog to these humans. I've heard enough! : '''Rex:''' All of us will fall-- All EVOs-- If she gets it. Black Knight is worse than you know. If I don't get the nanite out of here, Providence will take it. : '''Biowulf:''' Providence! This is Abysus, the heart of the EVO world. Providence wouldn't dare. : '''Circe:''' The sentries have spotted something. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I wonder who. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Black Knight, the assault forces are in place. : '''Black Knight:''' The field is yours. We've secured the borders. No chance White Knight and his team will get in the country to interfere. : '''Biowulf:''' The castle is surrounded. : '''Rex:''' Standard operating procedure for Providence is to secure the perimeter, then close for attack. Black Knight will have snuck forces around back. : '''Skalamander:''' How should we counter? : '''Rex:''' Easy. : '''Biowulf:''' You take your nanite. I'll decide how to deal with the invaders. : '''Black Pawn:''' Deploy the collars. Rise. Forward. Attack. : '''Rex:''' The nanite event blew away half the castle. This must have been deep enough to survive it. Huh? You hear that? : '''Circe:''' No. Hear what? : '''Rex:''' Uh... Nothing. This place would make a great rec room. Maybe a karaoke machine over there-- : '''Circe:''' Van Kleiss would send volunteers down here to try and get in. None of them ever came back. : '''Rex:''' Well... That's encouraging. : '''Circe:''' What is it? : '''Rex:''' They're... I-I think they're nanites. They're following our lights. They can't see in the dark. I have a plan. Lead them back. : '''Circe:''' ''[concerned]'' Rex? : '''Rex:''' When I say "roll," roll. : '''Circe:''' What?! : '''Rex:''' Roll! Circe, sing! : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic blasts on the EVOs and beams at Rex.]'' : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' We always made a good team. : '''Circe:''' It won't hold them long. : '''Rex:''' You think this is why Van Kleiss always wanted me-- So I could get him in here? : '''Biowulf:''' Providence has breached the castle. We can't hold our position much longer. : '''Rex:''' Go. I'll get the Master-Control Nanite. ''[Notices how worried Circe is about him probably not returning]'' This isn't Hong Kong. I'll be okay. I'll meet up with you soon. : '''Biowulf:''' They've turned our own people against us. : '''Circe:''' Let me see what I can do. : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic bursts on several collared EVOs]''. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : ''[Circe gasping]'' : '''Circe:''' So many. : '''Biowulf:''' You can't stop the ones they've collared. : '''Circe:''' I can go down trying. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Her sonics are disrupting the offensive. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Hyah! Unh! : '''Biowulf:''' If we can't defeat them, we'll take down as many as we can fighting. : '''Circe:''' This isn't one battle. It's a war. And we can't let it end here before Rex has the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Biowulf:''' What, then? : '''Circe:''' Tactical retreat. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh. Dad. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Outer rooms of the castle secured. : '''Black Pawn:''' I don't need you here, Black Knight. It's only a matter of time. We will take the castle piece by piece. : ''[Skalamander growling]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' You are ours now. Down. : ''[Skalamander grunting]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Rex is here. He will make you bow to us! : '''Black Knight:''' This is all a diversion. Find Rex before he gets the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Black Pawn:''' Yes, Ma'am. : '''Black Knight:''' Either you do it or I will. I'm on my way. : '''Rex:''' This place... Rylander had the same type of lab. : '''Soldier:''' Security system engaged. : '''Rex:''' No! : '''Soldier:''' Intruder. Provide authorized identity or be terminated. Identify. Identify. Identify. Identify. : '''Rex:''' Aah! I'm Rex! Rex Salazar! : '''Soldier:''' Salazar genetype-- Accepted. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' There you are, you little troublemaker. You're coming home with the good guys. Uhh. Weird. Uh... I don't suppose you're looking for the karaoke machine? Running into you-- What a coincidence. Come down here a lot? Whoa! Missed me. : '''Black Pawn:''' I have the nanite. Keep the boy busy while I get it to Black Knight. : '''Rex:''' No! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' You two sure know how to make an entrance. : '''Circe:''' The others are getting hammered by Provindence. They're barely holding them off in the dungeon. : '''Rex:''' Gee! Van Kleiss has a dungeon. What a surprise. : '''Biowulf:''' This is no joke. They might die because I came down here to save you. : '''Rex:''' I won't let them get taken. I promise you that. But I need you to let me call the shots. : ''[Biowulf sighs]'' : '''Biowulf:''' Very well. : '''Rex:''' Circ, dungeon left or right? : '''Circe:''' Left. The dungeon's the other way. : '''Rex:''' I'm not looking for the dungeon. I'm looking for the scouts. : '''Black Pawn:''' Nothing. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe a little something. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' Scouts. Classic Providence tactics-- So they don't get ambushed. Uhh. What is this place? : '''Biowulf:''' The old reservoir. It goes to the river. : '''Rex:''' Perfect. ''[deep voice]'' Scout to command. West wing, reservoir-- We've found a back way onto what must be the main EVO force. It's five times the size of what you're fighting. : '''Black Pawn:''' Roger, scout. All forces, withdraw from dungeon siege. Report to west wing, reservoir. Ambush maneuver lambda. : '''Rex:''' ''[normal voice]'' Get your troops. It's bath time. : '''Biowulf:''' Now you bow to Rex! : '''Rex:''' The Providence goons are contained, Biowulf. They shouldn't be any more trouble. And I got the Master-Control Nanite. Looks like mission accomplished. : '''Circe:''' Rex, I-- : ''[She and Rex cling to each other as the castle begins shaking.]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Rex, order your friends to surrender. You're all under Providence custody. I always knew it might be impossible to capture the Master-Control Nanite in the heart of the nanite infestation. So the solution was to remove it. : '''Circe:''' It's Hong Kong all over again. : '''Rex:''' No. We can fight. We'll double back and-- A-and then-- : '''Biowulf:''' Go! Get the nanite out of here! : '''Rex:''' No! I promised you! : '''Biowulf:''' You were right. That nanite is more important than anyone here. Including myself. I am the leader. I give the orders. Run! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex:''' They were counting on me. I don't want to leave them. : '''Circe:''' I did what I had to do. You do what you have to. I want you to know, all this was never about me just using you. : ''[Circe gasps]'' : ''[Finally admits her true romantic feelings for Rex in the form of a passionate kiss. She then pushes a shocked Rex off the ledge, so he could escape; and her getting collared and captured in his stead. She smiled with tears in her eyes, with the promise that she would be okay.]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[burdened by Circe admitting her intense love for him and sacrifice]'' We all make sacrifices for the things we care about-- The people we love. But when the stakes are this high, who can we trust? What would that power do to anyone who had it? They attacked Abysus. What's stopping them from attacking us for these nanites? : '''White Knight:''' They will-- Sooner or later. That's why I want to turn the tables on them first. : '''Rex:''' You know how to do that so we survive in one piece? : '''White Knight:''' Not yet. ===Remote Control=== : '''Bobo:''' Providence goons are thick as fleas tonight, and I know fleas. : '''Rex:''' We're gonna be late if we have to keep sneaking around. : '''Bobo:''' After you. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex must have bailed on us-- Again. : '''Cricket:''' He would never do that, Skwydd. And besides, he dad to fly all the way to Honk Kong on his own. Give him some time. : '''Tuck:''' He's here! Everything okay, Rex? : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Cricket, Tuck, this way! : ''[Skwydd grunts]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Ow. Yeah, I think I'll stick to ink. : '''Cricket:''' We need to find Rex. : '''Skwydd:''' He was supposed to find us. : '''Tuck:''' How are we gonna-- : '''Quarry:''' Wrong. They'll be coming with me. Anybody got a problem with that? : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : ''[Quarry grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? : '''Bobo:''' Oh, yeah, they were here. This came out of Skwydd. Mm. : '''Rex:''' Ew! If those Providence goons hurt them, I'm gonna-- : '''Bobo:''' What do you say you use a little of that aggression and get some answers, champ? : '''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends? Quarry? : '''Cricket:''' If you think we're going to thank you for getting us out of there, Quarry. : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : '''Quarry:''' I think you're going to do exactly as I say. : ''[Activates the mind-control collar on her neck]'' : '''Cricket:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Occupied Hong Kong-- What a dump! Where to, chief? : '''Rex:''' I have no idea. How did he get away from Van Kleiss? How is he even alive? : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's cool. We're not going to hurt you. What's Providence turned into? This whole city is living in fear. : '''Bobo:''' Well, we ain't gonna find my answers in this alley. I got a guide book. Ooh! A coupon for all-you-can-eat dim sum. What? A chimp's gotta eat. : '''Rex:''' Okay, let's go. But keep moving. Maybe we'll turn up a clue. : '''Bobo:''' Aw, this just breaks my heart. All that grub and no one to eat it. : '''Monster EVO:''' Can you help a fellow EVO who's down on his luck? : '''Rex:''' I can do better than that. Let me take care of this for you. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Ow! : '''Bobo:''' I wanna order some chow to go. Give me some of those chicken feet, and give me the beaks, too. : '''Rex:''' I thought that collar was supposed to make you mellow! What? Now you know Kung Fu? I don't have time for this. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, buddy. It looked like you could use some-- Hey, where'd the charity case go? : '''Rex:''' He had to leave suddenly. All yours. I need some time to think. : '''Bobo:''' More for me! Go off and think your brains out, pal. You know where to find me. Ah, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship, my beak-dealing chum. And speaking of chum-- : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''Bobo:''' Do I detect the delightful aroma of fish heads? : '''Gamer Boy:''' Hey, kid! You like video games? Want a cool job? : '''Rex:''' I already have a cool job. : '''Gamer Boy:''' This is the coolest job you'll ever have. Mr. Quarry, pays top dollar for good players and I can set you up. : '''Rex:''' Quarry? Tell me more. : '''Huckster:''' ''[Cockney accent]'' Okay, kids. Looks like we're all here, right? Let me show you around. : '''Quarry:''' What do you matter, the big fish? Time to reel him in. : '''Huckster:''' This is all state-of-the-art stuff-- Exciting, new tech. You get to play as an EVO and go on a Crown Street. How cool is that? : '''Rex:''' Hey! That looks like the EVO that jumped me. : '''Huckster:''' We model our characters from actual EVOs. This is as close to reality as you can get. : '''Rex:''' Hey! You guys! Oh, am I glad to see you! I-- Take that back. You've been collared! Let me help you! : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Rex:''' Cricket, it's me-- Rex! You used to have a crush on me! : '''Cricket:''' Ugh! : ''[Cricket sighs]'' : '''Cricket:''' Rex, I'm so sorry. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't control it. : '''Rex:''' I'm okay, Cricket. You've been working on that jab, though, haven't you? : '''Cricket:''' They're getting away. : '''Rex:''' Let them go. They'll lead us straight to Quarry. : '''Cricket:''' "Used to have a crush"? : '''Rex:''' Infrared. <hr width80%> : '''Cricket:''' You know how collared EVOs follow kind of like a robot. with these collars, it's worse. It's like you're a remote-controlled robot. : '''Rex:''' That is a nasty hack. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Your friends are very valuable to me as are you. : '''Rex:''' Like the new look- strapping. : '''Quarry:''' Let's just say I had to find a way to "keep it together" after my visit to Abyuss. Just one more thing you owe me for and you know how much I like a balanced book. <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' You'll be the crown jewel of my EVO army, Rex. I may just make you my own personal slave. That collar suits you, Rex. Wish I'd had one for you back in the old days-- Would've saved me a lot of trouble. : '''Cricket:''' Rex! : '''Quarry:''' Oh, right. Cricket. Rex, be a good little helper and hold her down, would you? : ''[Cricket gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Quarry:''' Rex? Rex! I command you to stop! : '''Rex:''' I quit listening to you a long time ago. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex, I'm sorry. : '''Rex:''' Never mind, Skwydd. Help me with Tuck. Aah! Oh, man! These nanites are smarter than usual. : '''Cricket:''' Hurry, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Whew! Don't think I'll be doing that again soon. : '''Tuck:''' Thanks, man. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The arcade- all those kids. : '''Quarry:''' those brats were born to play games, which is what they think their doing. And I have your people to thank for the tech. That brother of yours is quite the wiz kid. : '''Rex:''' Caesar would never-- : '''Cricket:''' Forget about Caesar, Rex! You know what you got to do! : '''Rex:''' These guys will shred you if I leave! : '''Tuck:''' We got this, Rex! Go! <hr width80%> : '''Quarry:''' Consider the fact that you made me like this while I'm crushing you. ===A Brief History of Time=== : '''Van Kleiss:''' 4.000 years from my destination, and I've run out of of time. I've scarcely completed the vessel which shall deliver me to my own era. Gharun-Set, activate the traps-- Quickly! My greatest creation-- So useful to me, but too dangerous to roam free. If only I had time to destroy him, as I should. But I have a more pressing death I must prevent. My own. AAAAAAAAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Kind of defeating the whole stealth element of a stealth suit, Bobo. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, now was I supposed to know that ghanoush went bad? : '''Rex:''' Maybe because you found it in a garbage can. : '''Bobo:''' On top of a garbage can. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to Rex. Are you at the site? : '''Rex:''' There is not site, remember? Black Knight blew the pace to kingdom come. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Yet it's still guarded. And thanks to the data you stole from Providence, we know why. : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss back in time? I still find it hard to believe. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You were sent six months into the future, Rex. It stands to reason that the reverse is possible. : '''Rex:''' Well, if you expect to find him here, maybe we should check the mummy museum. We're sensing nanites-- Definitely V.K.'s. They've been dead a long time. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over 4,000 years. I'm also detecting tachyons-- Quantum particles that travel in time. I think it's clear what he was making. : '''Bobo:''' A latrine? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' A time machine. : '''Rex:''' No way he pulled it off! If mister ego made it back to here and now, we'd know about it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Some of these nanites are considerably younger. That means he was there in two different time periods. : '''Rex:''' Time travel gives me a headache. Just tell me-- Where is he now? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The more accurate question is, when is he? : '''Van Kleiss:''' AAAAAAH! : ''[Van Kleiss gasping]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! The ordeal is... draining. But now, back in my own time, I can replenish my nanite reserves and-- : '''Gladiator #1:''' Quis es tu? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I recognize the language, of course-- Classical latin. Qui-- Q-Qui annus est? : '''Gladiator #1:''' What year is it? You dare question a captain of the imperial guard? Aegyptus is a roman Providence! Answer! Who are you? : '''Gladiator #2:''' Don't bother-- He's clearly sun-mad. : '''Van Kleiss:''' The dialect, the dress-- This is the second century A.D. A mere 2,000 years has passed. I'm only halfway home! : '''Gladiator #1:''' Another escaped slave. Finish him and be done with it. : ''[Gladiator #2 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It was all the fight I could muster. I had no way to replace the nanites I'd spent in the journey, and my gauntlet had yet to recharge those that remained. : '''Gladiator #2:''' This one shows spirit. He'll bring a good price in the arena. : '''Van Kleiss:''' OOMPH! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #2:''' Save your strength. : '''Gladiator #3:''' Where you're going, you'll need it. : ''[Van Kleiss slurps]'' : ''[Van Kleiss gulps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I intend to. Of the mysterious force, there is no sign. Yet I sense it is close-- Pursuing me even across the centuries. I am convinced it is a manifestation of time itself. My presence is a violation of physics-- An imbalance which the time stream seeks to correct... By wiping me from existence. But of this, I am certain-- If I do not return to my own time, it will surely destroy me. : '''Gladiator #1:''' You are fortunate, slave. To die in the arena is a great honor. : '''Van Kleiss:''' An honor I look forward to bestowing. : ''[Gladiator #1 laughs]'' : '''Gladiator #1:''' You see? Spirit! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' Put on a good show, little man, and I promise to make your end a painless one. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Indeed? : ''[Gladiator #3 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I, on the other hand, make no such promise. : ''[Gladiator #3 grunting]'' : ''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Gladiator #3 groans]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' One against so many? Hardly seems fair. For them. : '''Gladiator #4:''' ARRRGHHHH! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ordinarily, I'd say "take me to your leader," but I believe he's already here. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great warrior... Never have I seen such a battle. I am... : '''Van Kleiss:''' Septimius Severus, 21st emperor of Rome, founder of the severan dynasty. And, as I recall, you poisoned your own commanding officer to get his position... And wear only boots to conceal a prodigious clubfoot. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Are you a man... Or a God? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I find both labels rather limiting. Now, then, you are going to give me whatever I require, starting with a quiet place to work. I, in return, shall ensure the growth and security of your reign as emperor. You may call me Van Kleiss. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Whatever your desire, great Vanklios. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, it's... Got a rather nice ring. : '''Rex:''' What's with this guy? Gets a portrait done in every time period? : '''Bobo:''' Mm. ''[muffled]'' Truly a nutjob for the ages. Mm. Speaking of nuts... Want some? : '''Rex:''' You've been dumpster-diving again? : '''Bobo:''' I prefer "foraging." : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Nice sleuthing there, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Nanites decay at a measurable half-life. I set our sat-net to do a global scan for the same frequency-- Ergo, Rome. : '''Rex:''' Great. You scan for the next stop, we'll grab a pizza. : '''Bobo:''' Pass. I'm experiencing inexpicable gastric distress. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it would take months to scan the entire spectrum. You need to find the next decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Kind of like nanite connect-the-dots! Can I do it with someone else? : '''Bobo:''' Hey, quiet, you! Rah! : '''Rex:''' This goose chase just got a little wilder. My brother's here. : '''Caesar:''' Caesar to Black. We've detected paleo-nanites. Tachyon readings negative. We're moving to the next hot stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons-- They want Van Kleiss' time machine. Follow them. : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Bobo:''' Can you give me a teeny sec? I gotta find the little gladiators' room. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Advances in the last two millenia have allowed me to complete my lab in weeks instead of months. Restrict the flow! Do you want to overload the power cells? Meanwhile, my own nanite supply continues to dwindle. : ''[Septimius Severus panting]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great Vanklios, protect me! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I've divulged metallurgy and tactics beyond your day. No man may threaten your rule. : '''Septimius Severus:''' This is no man-- But an apparition! : ''[Septimius Severus grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' What apparition? Speak, parasite! : '''Septimius Severus:''' A spirit of doom! Numerous sightings-- The insulare, the rostra, the forum. Listen! It comes! It comes! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Fool. It only wants me. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Ugh! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I release you. Go start a few legends. : '''Septimius Severus:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOO! : ''[Septimius Severus gasps]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Be gone! I beg of you! Aah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, those stress lines-- It's the same pattern we saw in Egypt. : '''Black Knight:''' Report. : '''Caesar:''' These aqueducts are truly marvels of roman engineering. : '''Black Knight:''' Have you picked up the next decay frequency? : '''Caesar:''' Oh-- That. Yes. Uplinking to our global net. Odd. These tachyons seems unrelated to-- : '''Black Knight:''' We have the next target. Scandinavia. Move out. White Knight may have people on the trail. I expect you to do whatever it takes to procure the objective. : '''Rex:''' Shh! : '''Caesar:''' I've initiated the same steps as in Egypt! Come along. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need that decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Just one small problem, doc. This place... is toast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? Bobo? Respond! : '''Rex:''' We're okay, doc. Not a mark on us. : '''Bobo:''' Same can't be said for my stealth suit. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex and Bobo gasps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' So many lives... It's become a blur. I don't know who I am anymore. Only that I must sail onward, ever onwoard down the river of time. Never resting, always moving. Further draining my nanite reserves beyond my ability to replenish. And each re-emergence, I am pursued by the nameless force. I now know it's personal. I am a virus-- An infection of space-time. Call it what you like. This is time's antibody. Whether I can borne home or drowned in its currents, this is my final journey. : '''Rex:''' Hurry! I'm not sure if we here followed. : '''Bobo:''' I'm sure. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Don't shoot! It's me. : '''Rex:''' Holiday? Shouldn't you be at the plant, connecting the dots? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No more dots to connect. The trail ends here. And... I'm reading a humanoid form inside. : '''Rex:''' I'm confused. Is it a time machine or isn't it? : '''Caesar:''' It's not a time machine. Are those really necessary? : '''Rex:''' No way you're getting this time machine, bro! : '''Caesar:''' I don't want it. And it's not a time machine. : '''Bobo:''' Well, then, what is it? A meat locker for cold cuts? : '''Caesar:''' Surprisingly close. We use this technique to transfer unstable nanites. It puts them into a state of dormancy. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Of course. It's a hibernation chamber. : '''Caesar:''' Only his nanites were dormant. There would still be neuron flow. : '''Rex:''' Mind telling me what that means, exactly? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He was... Aware. The whole time, for hundreds of years. : '''Caesar:''' He would have felt every minute pass. : '''Rex:''' No way! He's totally a mummy! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Run! It's coming! It's coming?! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Rex:''' Easy, easy, Van Kleiss. You're back-- Back in your own time. : '''Van Kleiss:''' No! No, it'll find me! It always does! You must protect me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyon readings off the chart! Rex, you can't affect that thing. I don't know what can. : '''Caesar:''' It's a field of pure tachyons. I've got to get a sample. : '''Rex:''' Oh, no, you don't! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I'm back! Back in my own time! You shall not have me?! OHHHH! : '''Bobo:''' Settle down, Van Winkle. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, no. It couldn't be. I need some way to contain it! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons can't be contained! : '''Caesar:''' Yes, they can. Rex! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it's too risky! : '''Rex:''' But I know what this is. Correction-- I know who this is. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's... Breach. : '''Rex:''' Breach. Breach! It's me-- Rex. : '''Breach:''' Rex? Are you real... Or a dream? : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm real. : '''Breach:''' I was everywhere-- Everywhen. But I was nothing-- An emptiness, needing to be filled. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The amp pack. Van Kleiss controlled it. When his nanites were active, Breach was drawn into his timeframe. : ''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' The final joining would have destroyed them both. : '''Breach:''' Guess I should say thanks. : '''Rex:''' Hey, what are friends for? Um, we are still friends... Right? : '''Caesar:''' You did well, little bro. : '''Rex:''' And you have your time machine that... isn't a time machine. Everybody goes home happy. : '''Caesar:''' That? A curiosity-- True. But it was never our goal. : ''[Van Kleiss shivering]'' : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss?! All this for him? what, they're gonna put him in jail? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's Providence, Rex. That's their jurisdiction. : '''Caesar:''' No need to worry, little brother. He's going to be well supervised. : '''Rex:''' Caesar, what is going on!? : '''Caesar:''' Justice. : '''Bobo:''' Two words-- Crème Brûlée. Ooh. Right after I make a french connection. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Welcome back, Van Kleiss. You look terrible. Ordinarily, I'd say get some rest, but you've had enough of that, I suppose. : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Pull it together. We have work to do. Do you know who I am? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I know who you are. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. ===Mind Games=== : '''Rex''': Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure of that. : '''Six''': I told you not to get involved, Rex. You're not at full strength. : '''Rex''': What was I supposed to do-- Just leave it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six has a point, Rex. You're pushed to the edge lately. You can't see everyone. : '''Rex''': Not listening! Don't worry, dude. I'll have you out of here before you can say-- Circe?! : '''Circe''': Hey, Rex. Rex! Aaaah! : ''[Circe sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex! Rex, do you read? What's going on? Your bios are low. : '''Rex''': Leave her alone! You okay? : '''Circe''': I think so. We have to go. : '''Rex''': Think that's your cue. Hang on. I think I got it. Ow! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Hate this things. : '''Circe''': Try wearing one. : '''Rex''': I have. So, what happened? I thought Providence had you at Abysus. : '''Circe''': I got away. : '''Rex''': What about the Pack? : '''Circe''': The Pack? I-- Don't know. Things are bad out there, Rex. I've been on the run for weeks. Providence has been stepping up their capture orders. I think something big is going down. : '''Rex''': Tell me about it. Listen, I know we're gonna want to say no, but with everything that's going on... : '''Circe''': I should stay at the plant. It's safer, right? : '''Rex''': Wow, that was-- Easy. I had a whole speech and everything. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Well, everything checks out. You're the picture of health. I wish you'd let me do some more thorough scans, through. : '''Six''': How was it you said you got away? : '''Circe''': It's a long story. You guys have bigger things to worry about than me... like the Meta-Nanites. Did you get the one from Abysus? Have you found anymore? : '''Rex''': Ugh, who cares? Let's go do something fun. You want to put Bobo' hand in shaving cream? : ''[Circe yawns]'' : '''Circe''': Actually, Rex, I'm kind of tired. I thing I might just crash if that's cool. : '''Rex''': Oh... yeah. Stupid of me. You, uh, get some sleep. Hey, doc. What are you doing? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. I was just... working. What are you doing up? : '''Rex''': Ah, it's... stupid. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Yeah, probably. But... go ahead. : '''Rex''': I'm... excited. Since I got breached, everything's been so crazy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Since you got breached? Right. : '''Rex''': But with Circe back, I'm starting to think maybe things will turn out okay. : '''White Knight''': I need everyone in the situation room in five minutes. : '''Rex''': So much for that. : ''[Dr. Holiday yawns]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': What'd I miss? : '''Rex''': Wow, Doc. You sure got comfy quick. : '''White Knight''': Listen up, people. We need to retrieve a valuable asset before it falls into enemy hands. : '''Six''': What's the objective? : '''White Knight''': This man... Dr. Peter Meechum. : '''Rex''': That guy? I remember him. Van crazy kiddnaped his daughter. : '''White Knight''': Meechum spent the last year at a safehouse facility... Codename: Pandora's Box... location know only to me. : '''Rex''': Why all the cloak and dagger? : '''White Knight''': Because Meechum was one of the original scientists on the Nanite Project. He was given a panic button in case of emergency. Thirty minutes ago-- He activated it. : '''Six''': Providence? : '''White Knight''': We have to assume they're trying to assemble the original members of the Nanite Project. What Meechum knows is too valuable to fall into the wrong hands, so go get him. : '''Six''': Maybe Circe should stay here. : '''Rex''': What? Why? : '''Six''': She's not on the team yet-- Not officialy. : '''White Knight''': Take her. She'll be useful in the field. : '''Rex''': Ahem. You guys forget you key? Did you check under the mat? : '''Six''': Rex, focus on the mission. Get to Meechum! : '''Rex''': Relax, Six. I could take these guys in my sleep, especially with help from... Huh? Circe? Uh... Time-out? : '''Six''': Peter Meechum, you need to come with us. : ''[Dr. Meechum scoffs]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': Took you long enough. : '''Rex''': Time in. : '''White Knight''': Still no sign of Circe, Rex. We'll keep looking, but for right now, Meechum is our top priority. : '''Dr. Holiday''': We'll find her, Rex. Don't worry. : '''White Knight''': In the meantime, Dr. Meechum, I've checked, and your daughter is safe at her boarding school in England. : '''Dr. Meechum''': My daughter. Right. : '''White Knight''': We can make immediate arrangements to take you to her. : '''Dr. Meechum''': No, I'd rather stay with you if that's all right. It's, uh-- It's safer. : '''White Knight''': Of course. White Knight out. : '''Rex''': So, after that, Providence attacked Abysus to get the Master-Control Nanite. Guess you were next on their list. : '''Dr. Meechum''': I see. And all this happened in the last year? : '''Six''': You've missed a lot since you've been away, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Horrible. I could never work for a Providence like that. I have to say it's all very impressive. Providence has certainly done a lot in the last year. : '''Caesar''': And with your help, doctor, we can do more. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Where's White Knight? I should tell him I've arrived. : '''Black Knight''': I can answer that for you. It's good to have you back, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What happened to White? : '''Black Knight''': Just a routine change in command. Nothing to worry about. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Tell me you have my money ready. : '''Black Knight''': You get away you want when I get what I want... Not before. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Relax. : '''Six''': I'm a professional, aren't I? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six, see Meechum? I have some data I'd like to go over with him. Are you... okay? : '''Six''': Rebecca, I have something important to tell you. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Okay. Well... Thanks for tell me. : '''Six''': Rex, are you in here? I do not understand this show. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Am I interrupting? : '''Six''': Not at all. What can I do for you? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Nothing important. I just wanted to say... earlier... that was nice. Unexpected but nice. : '''Six''': Earlier? : '''Dr. Holiday''': In the lab? : '''Six''': I have no idea what you're talking about. : ''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' : '''Rex''': Six, I need to talk to you about Circe. Uh... Six? Earth to agent guy. You okay? : '''Six''': I'm fine. I've just decided not to waste any more time on you, Rex. : '''Rex''': Um... Is this because I accidentaly used your swords to slice a pizza? : '''Six''': It's because you're weak. You don't have what it takes to complete the mission. : '''Rex''': Ohh, I get it. This is one of your test, right? : '''Six''': No test. Just me coming to my senses. You're not strong enough to survive what's coming. In the end, you're gonna let us all down. : ''[Dr. Holiday crying]'' : '''Rex''': Doc? What's wrong? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' I-It's nothing, Rex. I didn't want you to see me like this. : '''Rex''': Well, what is it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' It's Six. I'm afraid of him. : '''Rex''': What?! That's crazy talk. : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' Is it? You have to have seen it. He's violent, on edge. He's losing control. : '''Rex''': Are we talking about the same Six? : '''Dr. Holiday''': We don't even known him. He was a killer, Rex. The old Six might have changed, but how do we know this Six didn't come back... Wrong? : ''[Dr. Meechum whistling]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': I have a question. How do you plan to re-create the project without a bio-interface expert? : '''Caesar''': Oh, but we do have one. : '''Van Kleiss''': No! The string doesn't work. Gordian knot, tied up tight. Alexander cheated. Can't cheat. Eyes on your own paper! Peter? No! Can't be! Different time, different me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Van Kleiss? You brought back that monster? : '''Caesar''': Of course. He was the original interface programmer. Who better? : '''Dr. Meechum''': Excuse me a moment. White, what the heck is going on?! : '''White Knight''': Peter? Where are you? : '''Dr. Meechum''': I'm at Providence. Where are you? : '''White Knight''': Providence. But that's not-- I have to go. We have a problem. : '''Rex''': You're darn right we have a problem, because this isn't Peter Meechum! : ''[Dr. Meechum laughing maniacally]'' : '''Scarecrow''': Heya, Rex. Miss me? : '''Rex''': Who are you? Where's Meechum? : '''White Knight''': His name's John Scarecrow. He's an EVO, specialist in infiltration. Black Knight played us. : '''Scarecrow''': You really don't remember me, Rex? I'll give you a hint. We used to share a stomping ground. We had a problem with a shapes hifter once. : '''Rex''': You were in Hong Kong. : '''Scarecrow''': Give the man a prize. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Six''': I think he went that way. : '''Rex''': Wait a minute. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Rex''': I cannot believe I fell for that. : '''Scarecrow''': Look at you. You're ridiculous. You think he'll come to his senses, realize his true feelings? Then what? You'll settle down. White picket fence. Little agent kids. You're fooling yourself. You're the worst of them... you know that?... Because you know better. You really think you can save the world? None of you can survive what's coming! : '''Rex''': Prove it's really you. What's my favorite color? : '''Six''': I have no idea. : '''Rex''': It's you, all right. : ''[Dr. Holiday screaming]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Put it away. I'm not the EVO. : '''Six''': We heard you scream. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That wasn't me. : '''Six''': Let's all calm down. We can figure this out. : '''Rex''': Why, Six? Because I'm weak? You don't think I can handle this? : '''Six''': I never said that. : '''Rex''': But you think it, right? I don't see you putting down your guns, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday''': I know it's not me. I'm not sure about you two. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Scarecrow''': So easy. I barely had to nudge you. : '''Rex''': Whatever you're after, you're not getting away with it. : '''Scarecrow''': Get away with it?! Re-e-e-x, I got what I needed in the first five minutes. : '''Rex''': Then why? Why do all this? : '''Scarecrow''': Simple. I wanted to do to you what you did to me. : '''Rex''': I'm done with you! : ''[Scarecrow groans]'' : '''Scarecrow''': The big hero. Why do you get to forget? It's not fair! : '''Rex''': Whine, whine, whine. What... you didn't get enough crazy hugs as a kid? : '''Scarecrow''': You think I'm the only one you hurt? Then tell me-- : '''Skwydd''': What about us? Why'd you betray me? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Circe:''' You promised to protect me, Rex. Where were you? : '''Rex:''' Stop it! : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex breathing heavily]'' : '''Caesar''': Face it, bro. It's why I left you. Mom and dad, too. : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': You're your own worst enemy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That's for Rex. That's for Providence. And that was for the kiss. : '''White Knight''': Providence won this round. No question. : '''Rex''': They have the real Meechum. Maybe more. : '''Dr. Holiday''': There's no telling how much of our system Scarecrow uploaded. : '''Six''': But we have to assume they know everything we do. : ''[Scarecrow laughs evilly]'' : '''White Knight''': Black Knight is coming for us. It's just a matter of time. : '''Dr. Holiday''': So? I mean, we knew that. Nothing's changed, right? : '''Six''': Rex, this is what they wanted-- To turn us against each other. : '''Rex''': Yeah, and look how easy it was. We thought we were a team, but we're not. We're vulnerable. : '''Van Kleiss''': It's Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Looking past Occam's Razor, we can clearly see to a quantum level. A quantum level is what I'm trying to achieve, because if I didn't do the quantum level, then I can understand what's happening. : '''Caesar''': I know you don't like this, but it's not about us. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Can you do it? Can you control him? : '''Caesar''': Leave Van Kleiss to me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What about Black Knight? I don't like her, Salazar. Never did. : '''Caesar''': Trust me, Peter-- When we're finished, the end will justify the means. ===Hermanos=== :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-OA! Unh! Ugh! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Agent Six''': Be careful, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm touched by your concern, Six. :'''Agent Six''': It's not for you. We don't have Providence to pick up the tab anymore. You break it, you buy it. :''[Rex growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm saving the day here. What are they gonna do--Sue me? Oh, come on! It was a rhetorical question! What was I supposed to do? The whole building was made of glass! :'''Lawyer''': ''[Hispanic accent]'' Glass? What are you talking about? :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm... not talking about anything. What are you talking about? :'''Lawyer''': Mr. Salazar, I'm an associate at the stateside branch of the Argentinean firm Gomez and Gomez. And today, sir, is your lucky day! :'''Rex Salazar''': What's this? :'''Lawyer''': It's yours! :'''Noah Nixon''': No away! This is your house? :'''Rex Salazar''': I know! According to the lawyer guy, this rancho in Argentina's been in my family forever. And ever since my parents died in the event, those lawyers have been trying to track down the heir. And guess who that is. :'''Noah Nixon''': You and your brother? :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, yeah, right. Him too. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': Dude, it's never a good time, but you go to-- O...kay, so maybe this really isn't a good time, but this is important. I was being chased by a lawyer. No, I wasn't being sued this time. But you'll never guess what he-- :'''Caesar Salazar''': Is this about the rancho? :'''Rex Salazar''': You know about it? :'''Caesar Salazar''': Those lawyers have left me a dozen messages. :'''Rex Salazar''': And you didn't tell me? Caesar, I never even knew we had this place! There might be photo albums, home movies-- I don't know-- maybe even an old teddy bear or something. :'''Caesar Salazar''': You never had a teddy bear. :'''Rex Salazar''': See, the fact that you know that and I don't-- that's why we need to go down there. :'''Lawyer''': Clear! :'''Caesar Salazar''': I can't, Rex. My work's already been interrupted once today. Although... Now that you mention the ranch, it does bring back some memories. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? Like what? :'''Caesar Salazar''': There was an experiment I remember mom and dad running. If you could find the notes, it might save some time on the work I'm doing now. :'''Rex Salazar''': Notes? Come on. Isn't family more important than-- Guess not. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Why can't I have a normal brother? Know anything about cows? Thanks for coming with me. This is really a family thing, but my brother is, well-- My brother. :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you kidding? I'm psyched! I've been killing myself trying to find a birthday present for Claire. A vacation at my best friend's awesome ancestral estate? What other guy could offer her that? :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, but then why bring Annie? :'''Annie''': Um, this just kind of broke off. :''[Annie, Claire and Noah screaming]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': AAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I sure hope this isn't included in Six's "You break it, you buy it" policy. :'''Annie''': Sorry. :'''Rex Salazar''': No problem. We're here. :'''Claire Bowman''': Are... you sure this is the place? :'''Noah Nixon''': What happened to it? :'''Annie''': Hey, don't look at me. I just got there. :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Annie''': Okay, that was me. :'''Rex Salazar''': I guess this must be my... family. :'''Claire Bowman''': Looks like you-- But with a 'stache. :'''Annie''': I like you with a 'stache. :'''Claire Bowman''': Hey, there are chickens in here! :'''Annie''': And llamas! :'''Noah Nixon''': Chicken, llamas-- And a funny-looking bull. :''[Chiquito snorts]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I-I-I take it back! You're not funny-looking! :'''Chiquito''': This place is Durango's! :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, actually-- :'''Chuquito''': No fancy talk! Just go! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Okay, number one, how is "actually" fancy talk! Number two, I don't know who Durango is, but this farm isn't his. And number three-- :''[Chiquito grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Ugh! All right, there's no misunderstanding the international language of getting punched in the face. So read my fist-- Get out of my house! :'''Chiquito''': Durango will not be happy! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, don't know who that guy was, but problem solved. :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh, you think? Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Calmate, Chiquito. You are my brother. I would not do anything to hurt mi hermano. Unless you force me to. I cannot lose that tract of land. Without its right of way, I will lose my claim on the rest of the county. But never mind. They will learn-- When you mess with the bull, you get the horns. :'''Rex Salazar''': OHHH! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': A chicken just tried to poop on my shoe! :'''Rex Salazar''': I think I can top you there. :'''Noah Nixon''': No offense, but when I asked Claire to come here, this wasn't what I was hoping for. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, me either. I mean, I was thinking I'd find-- I don't know what. But everything in this place has been smashed or stolen. Maybe this whole family thing isn't for me. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': That's the one! :'''Claire Bowman''': Please, Noah. It just needed a little help laying an egg. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[Chuckling]'' What, did you grow up on a farm in Kansas? :'''Claire Bowman''': An apartment in Chicago-- Which is where I learned to download videos onto my phone. :'''Telephone Voice''': When caring for an egg bearing hen, remember to-- :'''Muchado''': Hola? Quien esta aquí? :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh... hello? :'''Muchado''': So, you are the Americans? I am Señor Muchado-- The juez. :'''Claire Bowman''': That's like a judge? :'''Muchado''': Sí. For all intents and purposes, I am the law in this county-- Which is why I have come here with him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Good, because I definitely want to press charges. :'''Muchado''': You misunderstand. I am here because of the trouble you caused for Chiquito. :'''Rex Salazar''': Chiquito? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Your mom must have some sense of humor to name you "Tiny". :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Muchado''': Chiquito's brother is Señor Durango. He controls most of the land in this county, including this hacienda. At Señor Durango's request, I have prepared a legal order compelling you to vacate. :'''Claire Bowman''': But this is Rex's farm. :'''Annie''': Yeah, he's got a deed and everything. :'''Muchado''': This might have some bearing-- If you were a Salazar. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, we're in luck. I am. :'''Annie''': Maybe this will help. :'''Muchado''': You may be a Salazar, but by our law, this land has been deemed abandoned, and Señor Durango has claimed it. :'''Rex Salazar''': Sorry. Been sort of busy saving the world and stuff. But I'm here now, so consider his claim unclaimed, then reclaimed by me. :'''Muchado''': It is not so simple. You would have to demonstrate you are actively maintaining the ranch. That means shearing and feeding the animals, bringing your bulls to market-- :'''Rex Salazar''': To market? What, like a... cattle drive? :'''Claire Bowman''': No problem. We can totally figure out how to do that. :'''Muchado''': A ranch this size requires at least a dozen hired men. :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, just... uh... :'''Muchado''': No one within 100 kilometers will help you cross Señor Durango. If you do this, you will do it alone. And you will fail. :'''Claire Bowman''': Well, that guy was kind of a jerk. :'''Annie''': Yeah. So, let's get to work. :'''Noah Nixon''': How? Everything here is broken. :'''Annie''': Uh, have you seen my house? :'''Rex Salazar''': You guys don't have to do this. :'''Claire Bowman''': What kind of friend would walk away now? :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh... yeah! No way you could stop me from helping take care of these totally not-gross animals. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, I'm smiling like that's what I mean, aren't? :''[Noah exhales deeply]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I can do this! I can't do this. Until I've done my milking warm-up. :'''Claire Bowman''': Ugh. Hold this. :'''Telephone Voice''': With you head resting on her flank, gently grasp the udder with the palm of your hand. :'''Noah Nixon''': AAH! :''[Claire giggles]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': I think she likes you. :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': This is your home. Get in your home! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Whoa! AAAH! AAH! Ugh! This is hopeless! This farm only has one bull, and I can't even get it into the barn. And this... better just be mud. :'''Annie''': Hang on! I'll help you! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No! Don't! :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you guys okay? :'''Claire Bowman''': What is it? A storm cellar? :'''Noah Nixon''': Looks like some kind of lab. :'''Rex Salazar''': Figures. My mom and dad were Caesar's parents, too. Of course they'd find a way to take work home with them. Probably where those notes Caesar wanted are. Might as well grab them before the judge kicks us out. :'''Claire Bowman''': What's he talking about? I think we're doing a pretty good job taking care of the-- :'''Annie''': Uh, guys-- :''[Claire grunts]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Wait-- Donkeys eat hay, don't they? Maybe we can use it to lure them back into the barn. :'''Annie''': I got it! Ugh! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, on the plus side, at least we now know for sure that donkeys do eat hay. :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day, these things are going to change the world, and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': ''[chuckling]'' Caesar, please, mi hijo. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay! Okay! :''[Claire sniffs]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': What's that smell? :'''Noah Nixon''': Which one? Everything here smells. :'''Claire Bowman''': No, it smells like... smoke! :'''Annie''': Rex! The straw caught on fire, and it exploded! :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Chiquito''': Hermano! No! Oomph! :'''Senior Durango''': What were you thinking? I told you to smoke them out, not burn the land! This is my land! If you weren't my brother-- :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Senior Durango''': But you are. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, you must be the brother. Hope I'm not interrupting some kind of weird tender moment. :'''Senior Durango''': Soy Durango. And I hope there is still a chance we can reach a resonable agreement. :'''Claire Bowman''': So, then you'll let Rex keep the farm? We played by the rules. :'''Senior Durango''': Around here, I make the rules. :'''Annie''': But the judge said-- :'''Senior Durango''': The judge works for me. Now, please, I'm giving you one last chance to leave. :'''Noah Nixon''': Okay, sure! Oh, wait-- That's right. Your fire blew up what was left of our plane! :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh, let me handle the trash-talking with the 20-foot-tall monster EVO, okay? Leave them out of this! They shouldn't even be here! It should have been my brother! :'''Senior Durango''': That is why you will lose your farm. Without family, a man is nothing. After all, what is this land to them? :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't even know what this place is to me. I came here hoping to find out more about who my family is. :''[Rex start looking at Noah, Claire and Annie, and smile to them]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': And I did. So, you're going to stop threatening them-- And me-- And get off my land. :''[Durango snarls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay. Here's the plan-- Stay behind me! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, there goes that plan. :'''Senior Durango''': Hurt them. You can do that, can't you? :'''Claire Bowman''': W-what do we do now?! :'''Annie''': The only one of us with powers just got kicked to the curb. :'''Noah Nixon''': That depends on what you mean by "powers". :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex muffled grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Not a good time, Caesar. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just wanted to tell you-- Forget about those notes. I realized that's not what's important about you going down there. :''[Durango snarls]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wow, Caesar. I can't believe you came around. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just realized-- The really important thing is, if you happen to find a termo-chronometer I remember having down there, it would save me from ordering one. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito growls]'' :''[Chiquito snarls, roars]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Chiquito snorts]'' <hr width80%> :[''On videotape of the Salazar family]'' :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day these things are going to change the world and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': Cesar, please miquito. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay, okay. <hr width80%> :'''Noah Nixon''': This morning, I almost had to touch a cow's underparts. You think you can do me worse than that? Bring it. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito roars]'' :'''Annie''': Ugh! I didn't mean for that to happen. :'''Claire Bowman''': We did. :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ugh! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! :'''Senior Durango''': OOMPH! :''[Durango lows]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-O-O-O O-OA! :''[Durango lows]'' :''[Durango snorts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Durango growls]'' :''[Durango growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Trust me-- My brother's let me down way worse. But what am I gonna do? He's my brother. :'''Senior Durango''': It is over. :'''Rex Salazar''': Nice ego there, but I've been hit a lot harder. :''[Durango spits]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Those bells signal the market is ending soon. I can see you have yet to herd you cattle there. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, come on! The one cattle I've got doesn't even move! :'''Senior Durango''': If you do not have your cattle to market before it ends, you will have failed to fulfill your deed, and this land will be mine. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then I guess I don't have any time to waste talking about it. :'''Claire Bowman''': Come on. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': Forget it. I got this. :'''Claire Bowman''': WHOO-HOO! Yes! Go, Rex! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Where's Durango? :'''Rex Salazar''': OWW! Come on! You don't move the whole time, and you can't stay still? :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': What is this, a western? You're actually trying to stop him with a rockslide? :'''Senior Durango''': You? Here? How is that even possible? :'''Telephone Voice''': Donkeys can be ridden surprinsingly fast if you-- :'''Noah Nixon''': Come on! Just give up! The farm belong to Rex. And I really want to get off this thing. :'''Senior Durango''': You think I'm afraid of you ''[scoffs]'' boy? :'''Claire Bowman''': Oh, it's not the boy you should be afraid of. :'''Annie''': Oops. :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Ugh! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': We sheared the llamas, we milked the cows, I got the bull to town. We did everything in the deed. :'''Muchado''': Sí, sí. But more important, you faced Durango and won! Once the other ranchers hear of this, they won't be afraid. You have broken Durango's hold on our lands. :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait-- You're... happy about that? :'''Muchado''': Of course. I told you exactly what you had to do to legally gain control of the land, didn't I? :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh. I guess you did. :'''Claire Bowman''': Wow! Can you believe how you perfect this all worked out? :'''Noah Nixon''': Yeah, uh, so, maybe we should get out of here before we wear out our welcome. :'''Rex Salazar''': There's just one thing I want to do first. ===The Rescue=== :''Note'': Rex goes alone to rescue his girlfriend Circe from the clutches of Black Knight. but it turns out she has been waiting for him. <hr width80%> ===Alone Together=== :''Note'': Finally together at last, Rex and Circe reminiscence about their good and hard times together ans their romance begins to grow. ===Retribution=== ===Temporary Insanity=== ===Crime and Punishment=== :''Note:'' His false insanity revealed, Van Kleiss abducts Circe with the intent of punishing her for betraying him, due to her enduring love for Rex. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, Circe, you shall learn the ultimate price of betraying me. :'''Rex:''' ''Leave her alone!!'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, Rex. For young love. One of your greatest weaknesses. After I finish off your beloved, you will no longer be a hindrance to me. :'''Rex''' (''enraged'')''':''' I ''said''...LEAVE HER ALONE!!! <hr width80%> ===Shadowed Past=== ===Separation Anxiety=== ===Brotherly Love=== ===Rocky My World=== :'''Beverly:''' Oh, this is so awesome! We're seeing the Trendbenders live! :'''Rex:''' Well, maybe not see them, but we'll totally hear them. :'''Sebastian''': Attention! The Trendbenders will be arriving through the back of the club. :'''Beverly:''' Slick trick! Yes, Rebecca. I know! Only drink the bottled water. No, we're not that close to the stage. Ugh! I know that's where they mosh-pit. Don't worry! Bye! :'''Rex:''' Your sister is acting like your mother. I wouldn't put up with it. Doc?! I'm right next to her! Yes, we've got earplugs. Only bottled water-- I know! Yes, you'll pick us up at 11:00. Okay! Bye! :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' I met a guy who has looking for a lucky break. I met a guy mad he wouldn't make a mistake. No loser here the weight would be upon his face. This ain't no lucky break it's just another day. :'''Beverly:''' Hey! :'''Rex:''' There's something wrong with that guy. :'''Beverly:''' Yeah! It's called lack of social skills. :'''Sebastian:''' We have to talk! You got to listen to me! :'''Rex:''' I think they're a little too busy for a chat right now. :'''Sebastian:''' It's me! Your first fan! :'''Rex:''' Come on, dude. Can't you just watch the show, like everyone else? :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' You won't bring me down. Yeah-yeah-yeah. You won't bring me down. :'''Sebastian:''' I'm not just everyone else. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' You want to rethink trying to stop me? :'''Beverly:''' Whoa! Geek in triplicate! :'''Rex:''' More like EVO geek. :'''Sebastian:''' I bet you're not even a real fan! :'''Rex:''' Hey, I know their music! :'''Sebastian:''' Yeah? What album is "Bitten on the Wind" from? :'''Beverly:''' Uh, their first album. :'''Sebastian:''' Wrong! Their third! Poser! :'''Sly:''' Here's one from our first album-- "Bitten on the Wind." :'''Beverly:''' Told ya! Their first album! Who's the poser now? :'''Sebastian:''' But it is their third. They keep denying their first two albums exist! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :''[Rex bones cracking]'' :'''Rex:''' Shouldn't you be home, making sure your mom isn't snooping around your basement? Ouch! All right, I've had enough. :'''Sebastian:''' I know you. You're that guy from Providence that beats up on EVOs. :'''Rex:''' And I'm guessing you're not one of my fans. :'''Sebastian:''' This isn't over! They still need me to show them the way back. I'll make them listen to me.. No matter what! Ugh! :'''Man:''' No re-entry without a hand stamp. :'''Rex:''' Uh, but-- :'''JoJo:''' It's okay. He's with me. I'm JoJo, the band's manager. :'''Beverly:''' Oh! Sly Tyler, vocals, six-stringer. Burrito Beau on the big bottom, and Leon Adler on the skins. :'''Beau:''' Bass. Drums. :'''Beverly:''' They're even cutter up close! :'''JoJo:''' But Sebastian isn't. And now that fruitcake fan has become a major menace. :'''Rex:''' You know who that guy is? :'''Sly:''' Yeah, he's one of our first fans from way back. :'''Leon:''' But he didn't like our change in music direction. :'''Beau:''' Change, like in popular. :'''Sly:''' So he started sending us nasty e-mails and slagging us on the fan sites. :'''JoJo:''' But now he's turned violent, and it turns out he's... H-he's... :'''Rex:''' An EVO that can multiply himself. :'''JoJo:''' We can't handle that kind of threat, but you can. :'''Beverly:''' Is this a job offer? :'''JoJo:''' As head of security for the rest of the tour. :'''Rex:''' Huh, I don't know. Putting up with groupies, great music, catering, the Rock'n'roll lifestyle-- Oh, right, like I'm not totally in for this! :'''Beverly:''' And I'm your deputy, sheriff. :'''Sly:''' Absolutely. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Absolutely not. :'''Rex:''' They've got an EVO threat. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Fine, Rex. Beverly? And don't forget to use earplugs. :'''Rex:''' Private jet to the next gig? Airline-- First class? Coach? :'''JoJo:''' Of the road kind. :'''Rex:''' Traveling the open road, bringing music to the people. Where to next? :'''Beau:''' Eugene, Oregon. ''[Unenthusiastically]'' WHOO-HOO! :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Leon:''' Bad seat. Got a lot of them. :''[Beau farts]'' :''[Rex sniffs]'' :'''Leon and Rex:''' Oh! :''[Leon coughs]'' :'''Leon:''' Isn't the ozone layer depleted enough, Beau? :'''Rex:''' Want to hit the streets and check out the local scene? :'''Sly:''' Seriously, man? It's just another town. :'''Beau:''' Been there. Seen them all. :'''TV Announcer:''' He's currently under 3, 2 behind the leader. This is a very tricky-- :'''Rex:''' Oh, let's throw this in the pool! :'''Leon:''' Hey, I'm watching something, dude! :'''Rex:''' How about a food fight? :'''Sly:''' Sorry, man. Not feeling it. :'''Rex:''' This isn't feeling very Rock'n'Roll. :'''JoJo:''' Rex, we hired you to consult on security, not rock-tour clichés. :'''Sebastian:''' Room service. :'''JoJo:''' Again? You guys, this is costing too much. :'''Sly:''' But we didn't order anything else. :'''Sebastian:''' That's okay. This is on the house! :''[Sebastian grunts]'' :''[JoJo gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Look out! He's got... Paperwork? :'''Sebastian:''' I've got notes and visuals on where you've gone commercial and how you can get back to your roots! He's with the band now? He's not even a real fan! You see? You've got to come with me. You need my help! :'''Rex:''' They're not going anywhere, but you are! :'''Sebastian:''' My copies don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But you do! :'''Girl:''' Whoa! You must really be a big fan! :'''Sebastian:''' Only of their early stuff. :'''Girl:''' Eww! Their early stuff is weak. :'''Teen girl:''' But their new songs are awesome! :''[Girls giggling]'' :''[Sebastian growls]'' :''[Girls screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. I'm with the band. :'''Teen girl:''' But you missed your ride. :'''Rex:''' That's okay. I've got my own. :'''Man:''' Rock bands! Never again! :'''Sebastian:''' I've got to take you away from this sellout existence, where you deny your first two albums even exist. :'''Sly:''' B-but those albums weren't any good. That's why we only had a few fans, like you. :'''Rex:''' If there's only three of them, then who's driving the car? :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Did he... Ah! Rent that car from the circus? Time to cut this act short. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' Oh, man. I went to my first Trendbenders show in that car. :'''Rex:''' Maybe I can't turn off your obsession, but I can shut down your nanites. :'''Beau:''' That clone-boy? :'''Rex:''' I don't think he's going to be a problem now. :'''JoJo:''' We can still use you on the tour. What did you say? :'''Rex:''' Yes! :'''Sly:''' Good man! ''[singing]'' You see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", kill your radio, you live a life for all to see, sometimes it's right, sometimes obscene, now you're the enemy, it's one for all and all for me, unlocking doors and misery, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, it isn't all, that it's cracked up to be, I never thought it'd be so easy, I wouldn't have it any other way, you see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah". :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Sly:''' At least we got a day off before the next gig. :'''JoJo:''' Guys, a club owner in fleeceburg just offered us amazing money. I booked it. :'''Rex:''' For when? :'''JoJo:''' We're already running late. :'''Sly:''' They're paying money for us to play in this dump? :'''JoJo:''' Big money. Come on. You're on in ten minutes. :'''Rex:''' I'm guessing ticket sales are a little slow. :'''Leon:''' Are we breaking up? :'''Beau:''' This dive seems awfully familiar. :'''Sebastian:''' It should. :'''Rex:''' That voice seems awfully familiar! :'''Teens:''' Dude! Nobody move! What's going on? Who's touching me? What is this? Excuse me. What is going on? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I built an exact replica of the first club you played in. :'''Beau:''' Hey, that's one of my puke stains. Fruitcake knows his details. :'''Rex:''' But I cured you. :'''Sebastian:''' Hmm... That was a copy, not the original. :'''Sly:''' Whatever. When's this gonna end, fan-boy? :'''Sebastian:''' It ends tonight. Check the floor at your feet. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I've given up trying to get you back to your roots. So now you'll play what I want to hear for the next hour. And then your career ends with a bang. :'''Sly:''' On behalf of the band, I'd like to thank our manager, JoJo, for booking this totally insane gig! :''[JoJo laughs nervously]'' :'''Sebastian:''' The sound of cold, hard cash is the only music sellouts like you listen to anymore. :'''Rex:''' They're not sellouts. They just got more popular than you wanted. :'''Sebastian:''' You try anything, and I'll end their last gig prematurely. You're only alive because I want you to see what the Trendbenders used to be like. For the next hour give me the early stuff, when you were cool. :'''Sly:''' Why bother? You're gonna nuke us, anyway. :'''Sebastian:''' Because if you don't play, this happens! :'''Sly:''' Aah! :'''Leon, Sly and Beau:''' No more! :'''Sly:''' Okay, dude, what's the first number? :'''Sebastian:''' "Crawling undertow"! :'''Sly:''' Well, how does it feel? :'''Sebastian:''' First album, seventh song. Fifth song on the Japanese import. :'''Sly:''' To get that weight back on our shoulders-- :'''Sebastian:''' You're giving it a beat that wasn't in the original, man! Not even in the remix from the box set. Play it right this time! I'm missing the concert because of you! :'''Rex:''' Stinks to be you. Got to cure the real Sebastian. But which one is the mother ship? :'''Sebastian:''' You can't even play your old songs like you used to. Total disappointment. Let's end this bummer concert. :'''Sly:''' But we still have over a half-hour left! :'''Sebastian:''' Last song, no encore. :'''Rex:''' Tell me who's the original, or I'll turn you into dessert topping! :'''Sebastian:''' You don't scare me. I don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But the real Sebastian does. Sly! Maximum feedback! Now! Thanks, Doc. :'''Sebastian''': AAAHHHH! :'''Rex:''' How do you like their new hit, Sebastian Prime? Here's another new groove you're not going to like. :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Congrats. You're back to being a solo act. :'''Sebastian:''' You've got to listen to me! :''[Sebastian yelling]'' :'''Rex:''' Kidnapping, assault and battery, construction without a permit-- that should keep him away for years. :'''JoJo:''' Have to say it, guys, but we've got a gig in toledo to get to. Security? :'''Rex:''' Not anymore. Sebastian's done, and so am I. :'''Sly:''' Dude, I thought you wanted the rock'n'roll lifestyle. :'''Rex:''' I'm not tough enough for it. I need to get back to something easier, like city-smashing EVOs and conspiracies to take over the world. :'''Beau:''' Don't know what your missing. :'''Rex:''' I think do. But I don't miss this. Yes, doc? Don't need my earplugs anymore. I quit. Will you let me tell you? No, the EVO threat wasn't just an excuse. Well, I'm coming back! Will you let-- Doc! ===Lost and Found=== ===My Brother's Keeper=== ===Target: the Consortium=== : '''Jungle Cat:''' You are...? : '''Rex:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. What are you? : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : '''Rex:''' HUNH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex gasps deeply]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. That was a total zero on the fun meter. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Learning how to communicate with the nanite world isn't about fun. Did you get anywhere at all? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. I connected with a Master Control Nanite for a second, and then I lost it. But I also got, like, this feeling that something's about to happen in the nanite world. Something... big. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Argh! This is Rylander's speciality, not mine. There's no way I can cover for him. : '''Caesar:''' Not to worry, Dr. Meechum. You won't have to any longer. Dr. Rylander will take over from here. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Oh, really, Caesar? From his current location of beyond the grave? : '''Rylander:''' Actually, Peter, I was never completely dead-- just spread a little thin-- ''[chuckling]'' Moleculary speaking. Caesar's been working on putting me back together. : '''Black Knight:''' All of them together-- At last. Contact the Consortium. We now have something to show them. Something big. : '''White Knight:''' Even having two of the Master Control Nanites doesn't change the vital importance of finding the other three. But the latest intel I've received could give us a way to neutralize the group obsessed with these machines. : '''Six:''' The Consortium. : '''Rex:''' Aren't those the money guys that bankrolled the Nanite Project in Providence? : '''White Knight:''' The same. Formerly made-up of six members, but now five-- Reddick, made his wealth in real estate and construction. Vostock, black market finance and KGB... Zanubian, arms dealing and shipping. Roswell, oil and minerals. Anthony Haden-Scott, worldwide media. : ''[Rex munches]'' : '''Rex:''' Should we be writing this down for the pop quiz later? : '''White Knight:''' You may be facing them soon because of the efforts of our stealthiest agent. : '''Rex:''' Mm! Thank you! I think. : '''Jungle Cat:''' He's not talking about you. : '''Rex:''' Hey! It's Evo-cat guy! Uh... sorry-- What's your name? O...kay, cat with no collar, what's in the sack? Bunch of canaries? Well, that's... something. : '''White Knight:''' Our associate has been tracking the Consortium with a little help from a former member. : '''Rex:''' I remember him! He's the one Rylander got revenge on with an EVO love letter. : '''Jungle Cat:''' That he never recovered from. But he's still full of useful knowledge about the other members. : '''Rex:''' As long as you have a towel handy for the answers. : '''Jungle Cat:''' The Consortium has financed a new facility for nanite research. All of them will be at that location within the next six hours. : '''Six:''' And so will we. : '''White Knight:''' A rare opportunity like this can't be missed. You three will capture the Consortium and bring them to a secure location. Understood? : '''Rex:''' Purrfectly. : '''Black Knight:''' Gentlemen, I wanted you here today to-- : '''Reddick:''' "Wanted?" Sounds like a command. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You get to ask, not order. : '''Black Knight:''' I'm sorry. Let me restate. I asked you here because I can now present some major developments in your quest. I finished construction on the nanite reactor and reassembled against all odds the original science team to run it. Doctors Meechum, systems expert. Salazar, artificial intelligence. Rylander, microengineering. And Van Kleiss, biomechanical integration. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Nanite's recorder locked in. Hologram Rylander saves money on meals. Glow, glow, glow, yipper. : ''[Van Kleiss smooches]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' A human flashlight and a brain-fried babbler. This is what I'm supposed to work with. : '''Vostok:''' Looks like your geniuses have some issues. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' ''[British accent]'' I seem to recall there were two other Salazars on the team. : '''Black Knight:''' They're dead-- And just as well. Considering their actions are responsible for our setbacks, I highly doubt they would have cooperated. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Black Pawns:''' Ohh! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Black Pawns got to talk to their costume designer. Way too stuffy. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Be quiet. : '''Six:''' Our target? : '''Roswell:''' ''[Southern accent]'' Little lady, I'm hoping you didn't get me out here just to watch some lab jockeys do their homework. : '''Vostok:''' I know I've got better things to do. : '''Black Knight:''' Aside from the all-important reassembly of the science team and activation of the nanite reactor, I do have another development to show you. : '''Roswell:''' Yeah? What else you got? : '''Black Knight:''' An acquisition. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' What's wrong with you? : '''Rex:''' Forget the Consortium! I know where we can find a Master-Control Nanite. : '''Six:''' Where? : '''Rex''': Here. : '''Six:''' We're doing both. You two get the nanite, I'll get the Consortium. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' On of the five? That's all? : '''Reddick:''' You know we need all of the Master-Control Nanites to do us any good. : '''Vostok:''' What about the two you lost? And the other two still out there? : '''Black Knight:''' We'll have the other four in due time. Take this back to the vault. But remember that each one has its own useful powers. : '''Roswell:''' Not enough to drag me all the way out there, little lady. : '''Black Knight:''' "Black Knight". : '''Black Pawns:''' You're not one of us. : '''Six:''' Stay clear of the Pawns. They're not buying our cover. Repeat-- Stay clear of the Pawns. : '''Rex:''' Steel door. A vault! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' That was close. : '''Rex:''' Got it. Have to be as stealthy as you from now on. : ''[Jungle Catsnarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Van Kleiss! : ''[Jungle Cat muffled grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Way not to be stealthy. Sorry, cat guy. I know you want payback for him turning you into stone and all, but the nanite is more important. : '''Black Pawns:''' Security alert. Intruder. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' You find the nanite. I'll be a diversion. <hr width80%> : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' She has shown us some progress. That one nanite is significant in itself. : '''Reddick:''' It's all five or nothing. Or are you thinking of working a separate deal with the one? : '''Vostok:''' Can we please not talk like this while those two are in the room? : '''Roswell:''' Yeah, Xanubian, put a sock in all your yammerin'. : '''Black Pawns:''' Another intruder at security zone three. It's Agent Six. : '''Rex:''' Gotcha. : '''Black Pawns:''' Unh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' I'll take that. Six! I've got the nanite! : '''Six:''' Meet your outside. : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' I've got it! Let's scat, cat! : '''Black Knight:''' If he's here-- So is Rex. Vault security, come in. : '''Reddick:''' Is there a problem? : '''Black Knight:''' A minor security issue. I'm taking care of it. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You better, little lady. : '''Rex:''' Well, mission half accomplished. : '''Six:''' This should complete it. : '''Rex:''' You planted a bomb?! : '''Six:''' Plan "B". : '''Rex:''' The cat! He's still inside! No!! We've got to go back for the cat! He's on his own mission. Van Kleiss is there. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Black Pawns:''' Black Knight, shouldn't we evacuate? : '''Black Knight:''' The security threat has been removed. Among other things. Track them, find them. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Interlace template, instal copper buffers, hold the mayo, set core temp, heat cold fries. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Remember me? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Someone let the cat in. : '''Jungle Cat:''' You cast me aside as if I was garbage. Turned me to stone. Drained me of life-- Almost. Now it's your turn to suffer. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Had a kitty once. Not you. Bubbles liked catnip and parsnips. Chapped lips. Hip, hip, hooray! : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're here to clean up, ask for directions, not Dr. Screwloose. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Meechum. Bro. He's here to put Van Kleiss out of the world's misery. Give me a reason why he shouldn't. : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Rylander:''' Because the world needs him right now, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander! How did you-- : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' You got it to work. : '''Rylander:''' I've looked better, I'll admit, but I'm still very much alive. And so happy to see you again. : '''Rex:''' If you could bring him back-- : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. It won't work for mom and dad. : '''Rex:''' So, you've come back-- But you're working for them! It seems crazy, I know, but look at our progress-- The nanite reactor is almost operational. : '''Rex:''' Not if I destroy it. : '''Black Knight:''' Surround them. : '''Caesar:''' Trust me, hermano, We're doing the right thing. : '''Rex:''' You keep saying that, but I don't believe it anymore! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Bubbles, I'm sorry. Here, kitty, kitty. Left you out in the rain, rain go away-- : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! Easy on the hot sauce, Peter, Peter pumpkin two seater. : '''Rylander:''' Tell him, Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Tell me what? : '''Six:''' Revenge time is up. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat roars]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Aah! Careful! Our work! Ugh! Take it outside! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. : '''Rex:''' I can't talk now! Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Thank you. : '''Rex:''' You're so not welcome. : '''Black Knight:''' You should have left when you had the chance. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You guys have such a great cafeteria. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Had to come back for more. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Unh! : '''Six:''' Unh! : ''[Black Knight grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Six:''' UNNNNNNNNH! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' Let's say adiós. : '''Six:''' There's still plan "B". : '''Rex:''' We're not assassins. : '''Six:''' You're not. This might be our one chance. : '''Rex:''' To be like them? Then what makes us different? : '''Six:''' Go. I'm right behind you. : '''Roswell:''' You brought us into an ambush! Right behind you, Mr. Chatterbox. : '''Vostok:''' You are cowards. : '''Reddick:''' Graveyards are full of dummies that thought they were though. : '''Vostok:''' Black Knight, we have a lot to discuss about your future. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, let's talk. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Where's Six? : '''Rex:''' He said he was right behind us. : '''Six:''' I am. The Consortium still has to be dealt with. : '''Rex:''' We now have three Master Control Nanites. I'd say the Consortium has to deal with us. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Purrfectly. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I'm shocked. What happened? : '''Black Knight:''' It seems Vostok had an unfortunate run-in with our intruders as he was leaving. But, there's good news. The reactor is gone. Soon we will have all the nanites we need. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' I think it's time we walked about my promotion. ===Convergence=== ===Enter the Nanite World=== ===Enemies Mine=== : '''Valve:''' Battle is to be waged between your courage and my power. You lose. : '''Gatlocke:''' Valve, my friend. Lovely day for a riot, don't you think? : '''Valve:''' What do you want, Gatlocke? : '''Gatlocke:''' I want lots of things-- A doomsday weapon, my own private island, for my mom to stop calling me to fix her computer. But what I really want is to give you a message. It's time. I suppose I'll make the introductions. : '''Valve:''' A biker needs no introduction. And everyone knows Hunter Cain. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Everything is going according to plan. We get one more thing. Then we get wrecked. : '''Rex:''' Sorry we're late. : '''Bobo:''' We're not late. We're fashionably early. : '''Providence Agent:''' I was starting to think I was on my own. I've been calling for help, but Providence hasn't answered. : '''Six:''' What set this off? : '''Providence Agent:''' No idea. One moment everything was fine. The next moment, complete chaos. : '''Rex:''' I'm heading in. I'll lock up when I'm done. Oh, don't bother getting up. I'm just gonna knock you back down again. : '''Bobo:''' Back in your cages, you filthy animals! : '''Rex:''' Huh? What? You? It's a who's-who of old EVOs. Whew! Really not in the mood for this. You're kidding me. You?! : '''Gatlocke:''' Three men, one objective, no rules. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Or is it just me? : '''Valve:''' The others are saying that Rex is here. Rex will get his when we're ready. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Watch yourselves. This one's unpredictable. We know what you want, No-Face. Then we can give it to you. Do what we say. Then you'll get Rex. You'll get the chance to tear Rex apart. Piece by piece. Now we're ready. : '''Rex:''' So you remember who I am. Surprised you have a big enough brain for that. These cells are pretty dull. Let's redecorate. No way I'm letting an EVO get won over on me. Especially a big old frog. : '''Gatlocke:''' Almost out. Freedom is just a... Bottomless ravine away. : '''Valve:''' The biker begs the question, how are we getting across? : '''Gatlocke:''' You know that's not really how begging the question is supposed to be used. Are we kidding? Anyone who gets worked up over that phrase needs to be savagely beaten. : '''Hunter Cain:''' This'll override the drawbridge system. : '''Gatlocke:''' Ooh, now how would someone like you procure something like that? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Friends and hide places. : '''Rex:''' Okay, frog legs. Let's put you in solitary confinement. : '''Bobo:''' Do you look like you got run over by an overstuffed garbage truck? : '''Rex:''' Feels like it. This is a prison riot. Where's Providence? They should be all over this. : '''Six:''' They never responded to any calls. : '''Rex:''' It's a setup. Providence wanted this to happen. But why? : '''Six:''' Six here. Go ahead. : '''Rex:''' Wait. This bridge wasn't down before. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. About that. Some of the prisoners escaped together. Gatlocke... : '''Rex:''' That's bad. : '''Bobo:''' Hunter Cain... : '''Rex:''' That's even worse! : '''Bobo:''' Valve. : '''Rex:''' That's... Really? Valve? : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. And No-Face. : '''Rex:''' Those four are loose? Together? : '''Six:''' We've got a bigger problem. : '''Rex:''' How can it be bigger than this? : '''Six:''' The EVOs in the city-- The only thing keeping them tame are their control collars. : '''Rex:''' And this is a problem because...? : '''Six:''' Because someone has shut them all down. : '''Rex:''' Let me get that for you. : '''Bobo:''' Dumpster dog. Considering you used to ride around in the Paris, I guess you're moving up in the world. Main to your mud. : '''Six:''' Are you injured? : '''Rex:''' Just worn out. Is this day over yet? : '''Bobo:''' Oh! Signs pointing no. : '''Rex:''' Huh? That came from the track. Can you handle things here? : '''Bobo:''' Only one way to find out. Valve. Those nanite superchargers you keep using are bad for your health. : '''Valve:''' If I were you, I'd be more concerned with your own short-term health. : '''Rex:''' Please, like I have anything to worry about from you. The other three, they're dangerous. You, you're just comedy relief. : '''Valve:''' I am not. Comedy relief. : '''Rex:''' Well, you're not funny, that's for sure. : '''Valve:''' Like the road that continues on, so must the biker. : '''Rex:''' Where did he go so? Ew! Get away from my tacos, cockroach! Huh? You running away? I'll give you this much, Valve. Maybe you're getting smarter. : '''No-Face:''' Unlike you. : '''Rex:''' I put you away once, No-Face. I'll do it again. : '''No-Face:''' The one who makes machines. The one we've been waiting for. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Figures you try to shoot a guy in the back. : '''Hunter Cain:''' All I see is a filthy EVO. : '''Rex:''' Okay, first off, that Lai is tired. Second off, last time I checked, you're teaming up with one. Would that make you an EVO lover? All this hide and seek is wearing me down! Huh? Figures. : '''Gatlocke:''' Leaving so soon? That's not going to impress the hiring committee. Now, let's see what we have here. "Honor roll, A/V Club." Ugh. "Glee Club." ''[Scoffs]'' I'm going to have to be brutally honest with you. You're perfect for my gang. Can you sing soprano? My last soprano drove his motorcycle off a cliff. He survived, but his voice was never the same. By the way, can you fly? This is quite the surprise. I'm willing to hire you, Rex, but you better have some excellent references. : '''Rex:''' Back to prison, Gatlocke! : '''Gatlocke:''' Then consider the offer rescinded! You could be a valued member of my gang. It's a tough job market out there, you know? : '''Rex:''' I'd never work for you! : '''Gatlocke:''' No, not with that attitude, you wouldn't. Welcome to my gang. Your first task is to destroy Rex-- That guy right there. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' Your second task is to complete harassment training. I teach the class. This pamphlet explains everything. : '''Rex:''' No, no, no! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, come in. What's happening? : '''Rex:''' One really bad day. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Your nanite readings are off the charts. : '''Rex:''' No surprise. I've been fighting and curing EVOs non stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We need to upload your nanites immediately. : '''Rex:''' Now? Doc, my four worst enemies are still on the loose. Well, my three worst enemies in Valve. Plus the city's in chaos. And where in the world is Providence? How come they're not here dealing with this? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Six and Bobo can mop up the last few EVOs. You have to offload. : '''Rex:''' Okay, fine. But we better make it fast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll be locked in the chamber for one hour. : '''Rex:''' Just do it, Doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' This could be a long sixty minutes. : '''Valve:''' According to the tracking bug, Rex is inside. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Gentlemen, this is what we've been waiting for. It's time for Rex to die. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They followed him. : '''Gatlocke:''' After we kill Rex. We should work together and form a team call ourselves... Gatlocke and the kitty cats. : '''Valve:''' Silence your mouth or the biker will silence it for you. : '''Gatlocke:''' Oh, Valve. You can pretend to be angry, but deep down, you know you're a kitty cat. : '''Hunter Cain:''' They know we're here. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're quite feisty. Have you ever considered a career in the fast growing field of post apocalyptic gangs? : '''Valve:''' She has spirit. Valve the biker will see that spirit crushed. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're Gatlocke's favorite kitty cat. Hmm. Rrr. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Don't follow her. She's trying to lead us away from Rex. Rex is close-by. : '''Valve:''' Rex's chamber... Five minutes to spare. : '''Hunter Cain:''' More than enough time. : '''Gatlocke:''' I could have sworn that we'd agreed to take Rex out together. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I'm changing the terms of the deal if you have a problem with that, feel free to stand right where you are. I've waited a long time for this. Rex! : '''Valve:''' Empty? Or a trick of the mind? : '''Rex:''' Isn't that obvious? Then again, that tracking bug you stuck on me was obvious, too. And the fake countdown? Obvious. It only took me thirty minutes to upload my nanites. You wanted to run me ragged so you could get me. Instead, here you are all in one place. Gotcha! : '''Valve:''' UGHH! : '''Rex:''' UGHHHH! I still don't get why you enlisted Valve. I mean, he's really a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' Valve is the biker. A biker is dangerous. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. Yeah. No. : '''Valve:''' Rrrr! : '''Rex:''' So unpredictable. Like a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' AAAAH! : '''Gatlocke:''' I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that he's winning. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Then do something about it! : '''Gatlocke:''' Don't have to yell. A kind word will get you much further. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' UGHHH! Oh! Oh! Oh ho ho! Ouch! My back! My front and my back! OHH! This is total, total agony! : ''[Gatlocke gasps]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' ''[Calmly]'' I'm okay. Really. I'm fine. : '''Hunter Cain:''' You're lucky. I'll give you that. But you're only delaying the inevitable. You can't beat us all! : '''Rex:''' I never intended to. This offload facility? I reprogrammed it. My surplus nanites aren't being stored. They're powering the shield. : '''Hunter Cain:''' It's a trap! : '''Rex:''' Have fun keeping each other company! : '''Bobo:''' What a day. : '''Rex:''' You know, none of this would have happened if Providence hadn't released the convicts and turned out all those EVOs. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They did that to keep you busy. : '''Rex:''' Keep me busy from what? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The Nanite Project. We just found out. While we dealt with the EVOs, Black Knight got her hands on another Master-Control Nanite. : '''Rex:''' Then it's time. ===Sinister Secrets=== ===Wounded Hearts=== ===One Step Ahead=== ===Breaking Point=== ===Behind Closed Doors=== ===Keeping Hope=== ===Trust=== ===Terror of the Black Knight=== ===Endgame, Part One=== : '''Rex:''' It was going to happen sooner or later. We had most of the pieces, so it was only a matter of time before the Black Knight made her move. And of all the chances she had to attack, it had to be tonight... at this very moment... while I was in the shower. Huh? How many? : '''Six:''' Should it matter? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can't you do any better than that? : '''Bobo:''' I thought you'd never ask. : '''Rex:''' Rah! Yah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' If they get to the Meta-Nanites, we still have options. : '''Rex:''' Of the self-destruct kind? No, thanks, Doc. It's not going to end that way... hopefully. : '''Black Knight:''' We'll dispense with the pleasantries. You know what we want. : '''Rex:''' There is no way you're walking out of here with the nanites. : '''Black Knight:''' You seem so certain. : '''Rex:''' We've beaten you before. Every single time, in fact. So, this time is different... How? Okay, that's different. Ugh! You're an EVO?! : '''Black Knight:''' Do you think you were the only one they experimented on back in the day? You were the guinea pig. Consider me the new-and-improved version. : '''Rex:''' Okay. Before we go any further, I should probably explain a few things. It started when a bunch of rich guys decided they wanted to live forever, so they got the best scientists in the world to figure out how. The answer was nanites. These microscopic machines would cure disease, end hunger, and pretty much make the world a better place. My parents and older brother were on the team, and so was this guy. Look familiar? Van Kleiss. Then one day there was an accident. To save my life, my parents injected me with nanites. It worked. But there were a few crazy side effects, like the fact I could talk to machines and, later on, build some pretty cool things. That got the rich guys thinking-- How far could we take this? Turns out pretty far. These little machines could control the very fabric of the Universe, but they would need a Master Control Nanite to program all the others and tell them what to do. Energy, gravity, time/space, elemental, mechanical-- All the things that make the Universe run. Combined together, they would pretty much make you a God. And when my brother and parents found out the Consortium was about to put these nanites inside themselves, they sort of freaked out in a "got to save the Earth" kind of way. Something had to be done to stop it. Turns out that meant blowing the whole thing up, better known as "The Nanite Event". That didn't end well for my parents. While everyone else ran away, my parents were trapped inside. Sill not sure how. There was some good news-- No more Master Control Nanites. And the bad news? Dangerous unprogrammed nanites got spread across the world, and nanites plus DNA equals EVO. My brother Caesar got caught in a time warp during his escape. Van Kleiss got blown to smithereens and became the world's biggest pain in the nanite. And me? I got amnesia and traveled the globe living the good life... At least, that's how I tell it. The only part I know of wasn't all that much to brag about. I did get some good friends and a few enemies out of the deal. Turns out that losing my memory was a regular thing for me. Last time I woke up and said, "Who Am I?" It was when this guy found me-- Agent Six. He worked for Providence, sort of a global police force created to clean up after the event. It was paid for mostly by the same group of goons that started the whole thing-- The Consortium. It was great for a while. I had my own personal doctor, a chimp sidekick, a cool best friend to hang with. I was a full-fledged hero. The world loved me, and my powers kept getting better and better. Van Kleiss was still a pain, but I managed to take care of him. A few times, actually. Then things started to get not so cool. My brother shows up from out of nowhere. I get thrown six months into the future to find White Knight kicked out of Providence and this lady in charge-- Black Knight. She's been the lapdog of the Consortium from day one, and now her bosses want to pick up where they left off. Most of the old team of scientists have been reunited, and together, they've restarted the nanite program. The Master Control Nanites were spread across the globe in the first explosion, and we've been racing against Providence to get them back. So far, we've been winning that fight, and that pretty much brings us to right now. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' The Black Pawns are robots?! : '''Black Knight:''' Total obedience at the flip of a switch. Can you blame me? : '''Black Pawn:''' What's so funny? : '''Six:''' I hold back against people. You're not people. : ''[Bobo Haha grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? Ugh! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! Hey! Take it easy, would you? Oh! : '''Rex:''' Fitzy?! : '''Feakins:''' Heh? Sorry, guy. They found me. She's hard to say "No" to... and live. : '''Black Knight:''' Well put, Mr. Feakins. And thanks to his unique ability, we can set aside our nanite enhancements and do this the old-fashioned way. : '''Rex:''' Come on. That's not fair. I'm unarmed! : '''Black Knight:''' Precisely. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Stop! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. : '''Rex:''' Listen to the crazy guy. : '''Black Knight:''' Why are you here, Van Kleiss? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I forgot. Oh, no, wait. I remember. He's got a Master Control Nanite swallowed up inside him. It's been hiding, the naughty thing. : '''Rex:''' On second thought, don't listen to him. He's, uh-- He's crazy, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' You're sure of this? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, yes, yes. Quite sure. Do you have any mints? : '''Black Knight:''' I want Rex at the lab. Restrain and sedate him. : '''Rex:''' How, hold on a minute. : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What about me? : '''Black Knight:''' I'm not taking any chances. He stays with Rex. Kill the others. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Ahh. : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Human. : '''Rex:''' What are you telling me? What do you want? : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I get it. How? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Caesar:''' Calm down, Rex. You're safe. : '''Rex:''' Safe?! Black Knight and her robo-troopers just came knocking, and Van crazy says I have a Master Control Nanite inside me! : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating, isn't it? All this time, it's been hiding undetected inside you. I wonder if this particular control unit is responsible for his unique nano-evolution. : '''Rex:''' Are any of you even listening to me? : '''Feakins:''' Boy, I am. It's like a movie but real! I just want to go start pressing buttons. Can I get another milkshake? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How exactly do you plan on getting it out of him? : '''Black Knight:''' I have a suggestion. Tear it out. : '''Rylander:''' It would kill him. : '''Black Knight:''' That's none of my concern. : '''Caesar:''' The nanite is tied to his DNA. Simply pulling it out of him would ruin the nanite. : '''Rex:''' And me, too, remember? : '''Caesar:''' The only way this will work is if we put him in the cyclotron with the other Metas. It should extract automatically during the reassembly. : '''Black Knight:''' And if it doesn't? : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Good question. : '''Rex:''' Here's another one-- Don't I get a say in this? Like, isn't this the exact thing that our parents died trying to stop? : '''Black Knight:''' Take him to the hub and prepare for the transfer. The Consortium is here and extremely impatient. I want this finished within the hour. : '''Feakins:''' Aah! Hey, what am I-- Sandpaper? Not so rough! ''[sputtering]'' Rough. : '''Rex:''' Glad someone can see the humor in this. : '''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, see that Rex is well taken care of. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' I hope you know what you're doing, Salazar. This is a huge risk we're taking. : '''Rylander:''' Listen to Peter. The thing we swore to stop at any cost, the thing that took your parents-- It could happen-- Right here, today. : '''Caesar:''' It can't, and it won't. You'll have to trust me on this. : '''Rylander:''' You can only say that so many times, Caesar. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We've been waiting almost an hour. Not even refreshments? : '''Black Knight:''' You can have your snack after we become Gods. : '''Roswell:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' That's right-- "We." None of this would be possible without my efforts. : '''Roswell:''' And our money, sister. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, have your contempt. There's plenty of room buried next to the Russian if you'd like to keep him company. That's what I thought. Now, if you'll follow me-- : '''Bobo:''' "Kill the others." Not gonna happen, lady. We're bulletproof. Ow! Hangnail. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! We know where they took him. Why are we here? We need to go get Rex. : '''Six:''' I agree. We just don't have the resources, Rebecca. We'd need an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've been known to make the impossible happen, Six. How hard could that be? : '''Six:''' Six here. Copy that. We just got ourselves an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You see? : '''Van Kleiss:''' That will be all. : '''Feakins:''' But the lady said-- Good luck, Kid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' These restraints were made for you. You're very special, you know. : '''Rex:''' Lucky me. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss... leave us. : '''Rex:''' I really hate you. : '''Caesar:'''I know how this looks, Rex. : '''Rex:''' But what? I just have to trust you? Is that what you were going to say? Just help me-- Please. : '''Caesar:''' It may not seem like it, but I am. : '''Rex:''' Caesar... I'm scared. : '''Caesar:''' So am I, little brother. This will all be over in a few minutes. : '''Rex:''' It's already over! When I get out of this, I never want to see you again! : '''Rylander:''' Commencing countdown. : '''Roswell:''' WHOO-HOO! : '''Reddick:''' Payback time! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' This won't be entirely unpleasant. It should feel similar to when you offload surplus nanites. : '''Rex:''' Stop! You can't do this! You can't merge! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Something's wrong. : '''Rylander:''' Of course something's wrong. The kid is fighting it. : '''Caesar:''' This could be bad. : '''Rylander:''' You have to tell him, Caesar. : '''Caesar:''' Rex, you have to stop. Listen to me. The nanites are supposed to do-- Rex? Can you hear me? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Actually, he can't. There's a short in the comm relay. : '''Van Kleiss:''' This would be a wonderful day for a picnic. : '''Rex:''' RA-A-A-A-A-A-H! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' So much for that plan. : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, serves you right. All that and you come out of the oven looking like freaks. Nice job! : '''Black Knight:''' It's not exactly what we were expecting, but it's a start. : '''Reddick:''' This isn't what we agreed to. : '''Roswell:''' Where's the rest of our power? This is all messed up! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How can this be possible? : '''Rylander:''' The Meta-Nanites were dispersed between the five. This is quite a surprise. : '''Caesar:''' We've got to get Rex out of there. Step aside, Van Kleiss. : '''Van Kleiss:''' They still don't have what they want... and neither do you. : '''Black Knight:''' You're angry. I can see that. If you want to take it out on anyone, it should be Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I think I can agree to that. : '''Roswell:''' Count me in! This might actually be fun! : '''Rex:''' Let's think about this for a second. Whoa! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' How 'bout that? Exactly one second. Whoa! Aah! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What a perfect way to learn to use our powers-- Tearing this brat apart. : '''Rex:''' Only one problem with that, sparky. I've been using my powers a whole lot longer-- And I'm pretty good. : '''Roswell:''' You got any ideas here, missy, or we gonna stand around and get it handed to us? : '''Black Knight:''' The Meta-Nanites were designed to work together. So will we. : '''Rex:''' What? Are you gonna join together to make a robo-mutant? : '''Black Knight:''' That's exactly what we're going to do. : '''Rex:''' I need to stop giving them ideas. Huh? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' No one the help you-- No family, no friends, nothing. It's a terrible way to go. : '''White Knight:''' Captain Calan, target the base. All weapons, sire. : '''Providence Agent:''' Fire control reports they're being jammed, sir. : '''White Knight:''' Only one salvo. Black Knight must have prepared for this. : ''[Rex groans softly]'' : '''Rex:''' Big giant robot. Black Knight. : '''Six:''' We know. : '''Rex:''' Have to... stay and stop them. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Another time, Rex. : '''Rex:''' I-I-- : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to White Knight. We have Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We're just gonna watch them go?! : '''Black Knight:''' Let Providence have their weapon back. With our combined power, the world is ours. ===Endgame, Part Two=== :'''Black Knight:''' Science has given us a tremendous gift-- Nanites. We've seen what they can do-- The good and the bad. But they're true potential has been largely unseen. Until now. Our goals are varied. Fame... power... revenge... wealth... order. Yet, one thing unites us-- Greed. You're surprised I admit it? Well, don't be. You'll never get far in life without wanting it all. And for those who might consider standing in our way... We'll let our powers speak for themselves. The world is ours. And no one can stop us. :''[Roswell laughs]'' :'''Roswell:''' This is more fun than my first rodeo. What else you got? :'''Six:''' Any change? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's sleeping. The nanites in him are making repairs. That's a good thing. He's a tough kid, Six. :'''Six:''' I know. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' See you next time. Judging by what you fed us for lunch, I'm guessing twenty minutes. Can't even go to the little scientists' room without them breathing down our necks. How long are we going to put up with this? :'''Caesar:''' I know it's not easy working under these circumstances. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Do you? I don't hear you complaining, or have you even noticed that we're prisoniers? :'''Rylander:''' Gentlemen, please. Can we focus on a more important problem? The Consortium's gain of power is a troubling outcome. Something should be done. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're talking about stopping them, I'm listening. :'''Black Knight:''' I want you all in the boardroom in three minutes. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' The world is being taken over by nanite-fueled ex-c.e.o. Psychos, and they still act like they're running a business. :'''Roswell:''' You nerds gave us a raw deal. I want a do-over. :'''Caesar''': A do-over? :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What my colleague means to say is that our powers are remarkable to be sure, but we only have one seventh of what we were promised. :'''Rylander:''' You're asking a lot. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You're asking the impossible. You'd be lucky to survive the extraction. :'''Caesar:''' This is true. You may be powerful, but you're not Rex. :'''Black Knight:''' I share your disappointment, gentlemen. But are you willing to lose everything for this? :'''Roswell:''' Go big or go home. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, what do you have to say? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Easy-peasy. I can do it. It's only a matter of correctly calibrating the bio-filters with the homing frequency of the nanites. By the way, have you seen my socks? :'''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss-- :'''Black Knight:''' Has an assignment. The rest of you... Stay out of trouble. :'''Rex:''' You started without me. :'''Six:''' Glad to see you up and around. Something bothering you? :'''Rex:''' Besides black knight taking over the world? I'm trying to find my friends. I know Providence took them. :'''Six:''' We're working on that. :'''Rex:''' And are we doing anything about the Consortium? What about... The robot? The one I can build. Don't play dumb, Six. :'''Six:''' Come with me. :'''Rex:''' That's me? No way! All this time, I could have been making myself into that thing? Ohh! Maybe not. :'''Six:''' Evidence suggest that you've never been able to control it. It's a weapon of last defense. This was filmed on the day that I found you. It was also the day I made a promise that it would be the last time you ever built this machine. :''[Rex scoffs]'' :'''Rex:''' Or what, you'd kill me? You plan on keeping that promise? :'''Six:''' Rex, you have to know something. We believe this is the type of thing that ends in you losing your memory. :'''Rex:''' Well, it happened to you, and you turned out just fine. :'''Six:''' I only lost six years. Six years is all you have. You would lose everything. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you need to think about the consequences of some of your options. :'''Noah:''' It feels weird hanging out when the world is under attack. I don't know if I should be fighting back or out in the wilderness setting up a survival compound. :'''Rex:''' If you had the power to stop all this, but it meant losing everything, would you do it, Noah? :'''Noah:''' I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have to make that kind of decision. I guess that's why you're the hero. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' I wish I could get some kind of sign. Anything. Hmm. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Red and yellow, red and yellow. One false move can kill a fellow. :''[Van Kleiss laughs]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' He's got local control. We're locked out. I still don't even know how this is possible. :'''Rylander:''' I've been looking at the data projections. As crazy as Van Kleiss is, his theory is sound. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Sorry to disturb your sleepy sleep. There might be a slight delay. :'''Black Knight:''' Why? :'''Van Kleiss:''' We have a visitor. Should I set out tea? :'''Rex:''' Hey, in there! Come on out! :'''Black Knight:''' Back for more? Happy to accommodate. :'''Rex:''' I should warn you. It's going to get ugly. :'''Black Knight:''' One would think you would have learned the last time. I can feel you resisting me. Stop. :'''Roswell:''' Why is it you get to call all the shots? :'''Black Knight:''' Because I'm the one who has the power to join us. Help me defeat Rex, and you can call all the shots you like. :'''Rex:''' Hyah! :''[Rex babbling]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Six:''' It's a weapon of last defense. It's happened. :'''Noah:''' That's Rex? :'''White Knight:''' I'm going to assume you're seeing what I'm seeing. :'''Six:''' White-- :'''White Knight:''' Before you say anything, Six-- Whatever agreement we may have had regarding this situation no longer applies. Am I clear? :'''Six:''' Understood. :'''Dr. Holiday''': What was that all about? :'''Six:''' A second chance. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, we have to do something. :'''Six:''' I've seen it before. We're too late. :''[Rex coughing]'' :'''Rex:''' Donde esta mi zapato? :'''Noah:''' Rex! Hold on! :'''Rex:''' What? What happened? :'''Bobo:''' You blew up, kid. :'''Six:''' Do you know who we are? :'''Rex:''' I... I do! Oh-ho! I remember! Ow! Ow! I wish I could forget this pain in my... The Consortium! :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' This is utter nonsense. I refuse to be led around like a show dog. :'''Reddick:''' You can always go back outside and take it up with Providence. :'''Black Knight:''' Guard the door. Nothing gets by you. :'''Six:''' They're robots. :'''Rex:''' Oh! Right! That part I forgot. :'''Bobo:''' Next time, leave some for the rest of us, huh? :'''Rylander:''' I'll stay here and guard the equipment. :''[Rylander laughs]'' :'''Caesar:''' Little brother, they've had this place completely locked down. I've been trying to reach you. :'''Bobo:''' What he said. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Yeah, you deserved that. :'''Rex:''' Open it. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' We can't. Still completely locked out of the system. Besides, you can't interrupt once the cycle has started. :'''Rex:''' Well, then, un-start it! :'''Black Knight:''' You cleaned up for the occasion. How thoughtful of you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, this isn't for you. You didn't actually believe that I'd let the five of you have all this power. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I thought you were working for us? :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Rex:''' You see that? I knew it! He's not crazy! Okay... oh! He's crazy, but just his usual crazy. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, I am not amused. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I don't imagine you would be. This was always my intention, even in the very beginning. It's a pity your parents caught me trying to activate the sequence for myself. And, of course, there's the "broken" hatch. The world would be a much better place if they had just left well enough alone. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Black Knight, do something. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, you have made a huge mistake. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, then, let the fun begin. :''[Black Knight groans]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You can't overload that relay from a subdirectory. You have to get a root. It's impossible from here. :'''Caesar:''' You're a very negative person, Peter Meechum. :''[Dr. Meechum groans]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'll try from the main terminal in the lab. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, wait! That's not necessary. :'''Rex:''' I'm not waiting around, hermano. :'''Caesar:''' No. That's not what I mean. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I can see it. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Huh? No. :''[Van Kleiss groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's incredible something so small could have so much [[w:Omnipotence|power]]. That thing could rip apart the very fabric of the universe. :'''Rex:''' It's still a nanite. I'm gonna talk to it. :'''Caesar:''' No. It's okay. :''[The fully complete Meta Nanite comes to Rex, as if it were waiting for him, whose eyes and body glow with a pale blue cosmic aura.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, listen to me. The Meta-Nanite-- It could never work in anyone but you. Now in its pure state. Mom and dad, we programmed them that way from the very beginning. All of this... It's meant for you. :'''Six:''' What are you saying? :'''Caesar:''' Right now, Rex is [[Omnipotence|the most powerful being in the universe]]. :'''Bobo:''' You hear that, Kid? Don't let it get to your head. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, doc. This is pretty trippy. Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. :'''Black Knight:''' You're a [[God]], Rex. You can do anything you want. :'''Six:''' You know what to do. :'''Rex:''' You're right, Six. So are the rest of you. I can do anything I want. Maybe it's time for a revolution. Isn't that what you five wanted? A revolution? Well, welcome to it. :'''Noah:''' Is he gonna be like this from now on? :'''Rylander:''' Uh... People. He's inside the nanite reactor. :'''Dr. Holiday and Caesar:''' Inside? :'''Rex:''' Okay, little guys. I need you to do something for me. :'''Black Knight:''' Follow me, quickly. :'''Reddick:''' I'm through following you. We trusted you everything, and look what we got. :'''Black Knight:''' We may still be able to retain some of our abilities, but only if you follow me. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Are you seeing this? :'''Rylander:''' Tehnically, I don't have eyes, but yes. :'''Providence Agent:''' Reports are coming in. EVO's all over the world are spontaneously curing. :'''Six:''' Not spontaneous. :'''Caesar:''' He must have programmed all the nanites in the reactor to initiate a worldwide cure event. :'''Black Knight:''' What is your next directive? :'''Rex:''' I don't want anyone using you again. Ever. And that includes me. Deactivate. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I think it's over. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I think you're right. :'''Caesar:''' I wanted to tell you, brother. So much was at stake. :'''Rex:''' We're good. And we'll always be brothers. :'''Diane Ferrah:''' Across the world, not an EVO to be found. After more than six years, it appears we've awoken from the nightmare. :'''White Knight:''' The EVOs may be gone, but we still have nanites. :'''Rex:''' Leave it to you to spoil all the fun, White Knight. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' There are some people here to see you, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? :'''Skwydd:''' Eh, I guess I should start going by Walter again. :''[Rex runs to Circe and the two lovers share a close hug, happy to be together at last]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... Are you...? :'''Circe:''' I'm okay. Normal, but okay. I think you may have put yourself out of a job. :'''Skywdd:''' Yeah. What are you gonna do? Go to school? :'''Rylander:''' It was nice having the team back together. You know, we should find a new project. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You kidding? I'd rather have root canal with a rake. Worst experience of my life. :'''Caesar:''' Do you want to hear about some of my new ideas or not? :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'm listening. :'''Rex:''' Finally. :'''Six:''' Need anything? :'''Rex:''' Nope. I'm good. There's always going to be something, isn't there? :'''Six:''' Yes, there is. ==Characters== ===Main=== *Rex Salazar (Daryl Sabara) *Six *White Knight *Bobo Haha ===Supporting=== *Circe (Tara Sands) *Tuck (Dante Bosco) *Skwydd *Cricket *Beverley Holiday *Caesar Salazar *Five *Tres *IV ===Villains=== *Van Kleiss *The Pack *Gatlocke *Hunter Cain *Quarry *Black Knight *The Consortium ===Couples=== *Dr. Rebecca Holiday & Six *Rex & Circe *Noah Nixon & Claire Bowman ==Elements== ===Rex's Machines "Builds"=== *Big Fat Sword *Buzz Saw *Punk Busters *Boogie Pack *Cannon *Smack Hands ===Rex's Other Abilities=== *Technopathy *Data Manipulation *Technological Manipulation *E.V.O. Curing *Breach Detection *Electronic Disruption ===Omega Nanite-Powered Builds=== *Blast Caster *Funchucks *Bad Axes *Block Party *Sky Slider *Water Jet ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1636691/ Generator Rex] at [[Internet Movie Database]] * [http://generatorrexpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Generator_Rex Generator Rex] at Wikia {{Authority control}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Teen animated TV shows]] lhqmy3luvlqjx82mxnz4jk7eo3ndt1k 0 129753 3944602 3510337 2026-05-23T21:47:50Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944602 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Stuart Blackie 001.jpg|thumb|right]] '''[[w:John Stuart Blackie|John Stuart Blackie]]''' [[w:FRSE|FRSE]] ([[28 July]] [[1809]] – [[2 March]] [[1895]]) was a [[w:Scotland|Scottish]] scholar and [[w:man of letters|man of letters]]. == Quotes == * Name the leaves on all the trees,<br>Name the waves on all the seas,<br>Name the notes of all the groves,<br>Thus thou namest all my loves.{{pb}}I do love the young, the old,<br>Maiden modest, virgin bold;<br>Tiny beauties and the tall—<br>Earth has room enough for all!{{pb}}Which is better—who can say?—<br>Mary grave or Lucy gay?<br>She who half her charms conceals,<br>She who flashes while she feels?{{pb}}Why should I my love confine?<br>Why should fair be mine or thine?<br>If I praise a tulip, why<br>Should I pass the primrose by?{{pb}}Paris was a pedant fool<br>Meting beauty by the rule:<br>Pallas? Juno? Venus?—he<br>Should have chosen all the three! ** "My Loves", anthologised by Sir [[Arthur Quiller-Couch]] in ''The Oxford Book of Victorian Verse'' (1912) * Rocking on a lazy billow<br>With roaming eyes,<br>Cushioned on a dreamy pillow,<br>Thou art now wise.<br>Wake the power within thee slumbering,<br>Trim the plot that's in thy keeping,<br>Thou wilt bless the task when reaping<br>Sweet labour's prize. ** ''Address to the Edinburgh Students''. Quoted by [[Lord Iddlesleigh]], ''Desultory Reading''; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), p. 756. * Order is the law of all intelligible existence. ** Reported in Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert, ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 440. * Converse with men makes sharp the glittering wit,<br>But God to man doth speak in solitude. ** ''Sonnet'', ''Highland Solitude''; reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), p. 729. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Blackie, John Stuart}} [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Poets from Scotland]] [[Category:1809 births]] [[Category:1895 deaths]] [[Category:Songwriters from Scotland]] [[Category:Critics from Scotland]] [[Category:Politicians from Scotland]] [[Category:Essayists from Scotland]] [[Category:Biographers from Scotland]] [[Category:Translators from Scotland]] [[Category:Political authors from Scotland]] [[Category:Journalists from Scotland]] [[Category:Theologians from Scotland]] [[Category:People from Glasgow]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] mhkknir4g9fmbjkpv8cn4uvzyy4pf9l 0 134386 3944455 3923700 2026-05-23T12:58:54Z ~2026-30889-62 3328054 /* Dialogue */ 3944455 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Lorax (film)|Dr. Seuss's The Lorax]]''''' is a 2012 American [[w:computer animation|CGI-animated]] [[w:List of 3-D films|3D]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy film]] about a 12-year-old boy who searches for the one thing that will enable him to win the affection of the girl of his dreams. To find it he must discover the story of the Lorax, the grumpy yet charming creature who fights to protect his world. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Renaud|Chris Renaud]]. Co-directed by [[w:Kyle Balda|Kyle Balda]]. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]], based on [[w:The Lorax|The Lorax]] by [[Dr. Seuss]].'' {{center/s}}'''Meet the original force of nature.'''{{center/e}} == Ted Wiggins == * ''[referring to Audrey; to The Once-ler]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman in high school, and she loves trees. And I'm gonna get her one. * I am Ted Wiggins, and I speak for the trees. And the fact is, things aren't perfect here in Thneedville! And they're only gonna get worse unless we do something about it! Unless we change our ways, we can start by planting ''this''! ''[holds up the truffula seed]'' == Audrey == * ''[Referring to her mural]'' Those are trees. ''Real ones.'' They used to grow all around here. And people said that the touch of their tufts was softer than anything, even silk. And they smelled like butterfly milk. * I want more than anything in the whole world is to see a real living tree, growing in my backyard. == The Once-ler == * ''[He puts on a pair of work gloves and grabs a large axe]'' Alright, here we go. About to make a Thneed, about to change the world. * Check it out, guys. ''[looks around, noticing all of the animals are gone]'' Where did everybody go? ''[shrugs, then grabs the tree by the trunk and drags it away toward his cottage]'' * Little did I know that by chopping down that tree I had just summoned a mystical creature as old as time itself. The legendary, slightly annoying, guardian of the forest. '''''The Lorax.''''' * ''[admiring his first thneed]'' Now that's a thneed! Nothing unmanly about knitting. No sir! * Oh, yeah! We're in business, baby! Mom? Hey, it's me! I told you I was going to be a success! You need to bring the whole family here right now. We're going to be rich! ''[notices the Lorax looking at him]'' What? I'm going to need all the help I can get. Don't worry. * ''[closing How Bad Can I Be]'' All the customers are buying, and the money's multiplying, and the PR people are lying, ''[a Thneed is thrown on the Lorax as a picture is taken. A billboard featuring the picture reads "Lorax Approved"]'' and the lawyers are denying. Who cares if a few trees are dying? This is all so gratifying! How bad, how bad can this possibly be?! * ''[To Ted]'' Because Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better...It's not. * ''[To Ted; referring to the last Truffula seed]'' Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not about what it is, it's about what it can become. That's not just a seed...any more than you're just a boy. * ''[destroying His window In The Middle Of The Sun, as he Sees the Citizens singing "Let it Grow" And Old Once ler Whited His Eyes Without Tears]'' Thank you, Ted. [Saying That Whisper Sound] [Closes His Eyes Because The Sun Is Shining] == Aloysius O'Hare == * You've got a beautiful town here, lots of fun stuff to occupy your short attention span. I can't think of any reason, you'd ever wanna go outside of town... again. Ever. * ''[going after Ted and Audrey and Grammy Norma, who have the Truffula seed, through a megaphone]'' '''YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS, BOY! BANG!''' * Nobody beats Aloysius O'Hare! ''[the elevator shuts in his face and rises]'' What the-?! "Damn it!" * Bring it on, Teddy! You don't have the guts! * ''[last words during the "Let It Grow" song]'' Come on, who's with me, huh? == Dialogue == :'''Ted''': So, anyway, let's just say, I need a tree. Where would I go? What do I do? :'''Grammy Norma''': Oh, then you know what? You'd need to find the Once-ler. :'''Ted''': The what? :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': Mom, it's not really the time for one of your, you know, magical fables, OK? :'''Grammy Norma''': ''[laughs]'' That's right, I forgot. I'm old, and can't even remember to put my teeth in! :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': Stand down. That's not what I meant. :'''Grammy Norma''': No, really, I forgot my teeth. Would you be a dear and go get them for me? ''[showing her empty teeth]'' :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': ''[sighs]'' Sure, Mom. :'''Grammy Norma''': ''[puts on her retainer in secret]'' OK, here's the deal. The Once-ler's the man who knows what happened to the trees. If you want one, you need to find him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted gets pulled up by a rope and pulley to the second floor window where the Once-ler confronts him angrily]'' :'''Once-ler''': Who are you? Who are you and what are you doing here?! :'''Ted''': I'm Ted. I'm Ted. Oh, I can't breathe. Are you...are you the Once-ler? Oh, man. :'''Once-ler''': Didn't you read the signs? No one is supposed to come here! Get out of here and leave me alone! And don't let the boot hit you on the way out! :'''Ted''': The boot? ''[gets kicked by said boot from behind]'' Whoa, hello! Ow! Listen! People say that if someone brings you this stuff that you will tell them about trees. ''[gets grabbed again]'' No, no, no! :'''Once-ler''': Trees? :'''Ted''': Yeah, real ones. You know, that grow out of the ground? ''[pause]'' Hello? :'''Once-ler''': Sorry, it's just...Well, I didn't think anyone still cared about trees. :'''Ted''': Well, that's me. The guy who still cares. I'm here. ''[gets put back down]'' Hey, hey! What? Whoa! :'''The Once-ler''': You wanna know about trees, about what happened to them, and why they're all gone? ''[softly]'' It's because of me. :'''Ted''': Wait, what? :''[A Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to him. He leans in to hear]'' :'''Once-ler''': ''[shouts] '''IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!''' [Ted coughs]'' And my invention, the Thneed. It was an amazing product that could do the job of a thousand. :'''Ted''': All right. Sounds ridiculous, but I mean, that's cool. :'''Once-ler''': You're darn right it was cool! ''[starting to explain what happened to the trees]'' It all started a long time ago. :'''Ted''': Can we start not so long ago, maybe? :'''Once-ler''': Do you want a tree? :'''Ted''': Yes, yes. :'''Once-ler''': Then it all started a long, <big>''long''</big> time ago. ''[scene flashes back to the Once-ler as a young man]'' I was a young man leaving home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted''': ''[interrupting the story]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait. Wait a minute. :'''Once-ler''': Excuse me? :'''Ted''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. That's awesome. You know, feeding junk food to forest animals? That's great. But, uh, is there a musical number where you show me how to get a tree? 'Cause I'd love to hear that one. :'''Once-ler''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, yes. Right after the musical number about the kid who kept interrupting the story and was never heard from again. Mm-hmm. :'''Ted''': Right. Got it. Proceed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Lorax''': ''[first meeting the Once-ler]'' Hey! ''[the Once-ler shrieks and falls backwards]'' Did you chop down this tree? :'''Once-ler''': Uh, no. Who did it? ''[gasps]'' What's that?! ''[the Lorax looks back and Once-ler drops his axe on Pipsqueak the Bar-ba-loot, blaming him]'' I think he did it. :'''The Lorax''': ''[growls]'' Leave! Vacate the premises! Take your axe and get out! :'''The Once-ler''': And who are you? ''[pokes the Lorax]'' :'''The Lorax''': Hey, hey! I'm the Lorax, guardian of the forest. I speak for the trees. ''[the Once-ler stares at him]'' So you're telling me that you didn't see me magically appear out of that stump, with all the lightning and thunder and stuff. You didn't see any of that? :'''The Once-ler''': No, but that sounds amazing. Can I see some of that? :'''The Lorax''': Uh, yeah. I could show you, but that's not how it works. :'''The Once-ler''': Okay, um...Didn't really happen. Oh, I know what you want! I've got one of these for the cutest little guy I ever saw. Yummy-yummy-yummy... :'''The Lorax''': How dare you! Give me that! Mmm. I'm going to eat this, but I am highly offended by it. :'''The Once-ler''': Whoa! What are you...Hey, Mustache! Will you stop that?! What's your deal, man?! :'''The Lorax''': Time for you to go, Beanpole! :'''The Once-ler''': Pull them right out. Just going to put them right back in. We can do this all day. :'''The Lorax''': Whoa! Stop right there! Stop it! So you would hammer 1 of nature's innocent creatures? :'''The Once-ler''': What? No! I would never hit this little guy. [[The Lego Movie|You, on the other hand, I would gladly pound you and your mustache into the ground!]] :'''The Lorax''': ''[turns to all of the watching animals]'' Behold! The intruder and his violent ways. Shame on you. For shame! :'''The Once-ler''': All right, you know what? That's it! ''[points at Lorax]'' You listen to me, you furry meatloaf. I'm going to chop down as many trees as I need. Okay? Newsflash! Not going anywhere! [[Shrek|End of story.]] :'''The Lorax''': Then you leave me no choice. If you're not gone by the time the sun sets on this valley, all the forces of nature will be unleashed upon you and curse you until the end of your days! You have been warned. Thanks. :'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, okay. :'''The Lorax''': You have been warned. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': Why are you so interested in trees anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Break-dancing and wearing bell-bottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs? :'''Ted''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one, you know. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[knowingly]'' Aaah, it's a girl, isn't it? :'''Ted''': ''[scoffs]'' What? No! :'''The Once-ler''': Really? 'Cause when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's a guy, but if he does the same stupid thing twice, that's usually to impress some girl. :'''Ted''': ''[about Audrey]'' Hey, she is not some girlǃ She's a woman...in high school...and she loves trees, and I'm gonna get her one. :'''The Once-ler''': Aww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like ''reality''. :'''Ted''': ''[sincerely]'' Thank you. [Once-Ler dips his foot into the water and it changes the bed's course towards the rapids.] <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Once-ler''': ''[has just been revived by the Lorax]'' I was heading into the light, and you pulled me right back, and here I am! ''[hugs the Lorax]'' You saved my life! :'''The Lorax''': Yeah, I did, but you know, it's not that big a deal. :'''The Once-ler''': It is a big deal! Look, I almost went over that waterfall! ''[realizes]'' Wait...On my bed. How did my bed get in the river? :'''The Lorax''': Uh, about that, uh...actually, um... ''[mumbles]'' I put your bed in the water. ''[the Once-ler drops him in shock and begins to walk away, glaring]'' I didn't mean you any harm. I just wanted to calmly float you away. Look, everyone here needs the trees and you're chopping them down! So, we've got a big problem. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[Pipsqueak nuzzling at Once-ler's feet, to the Lorax]'' Alright, look. I hereby swear that I will never chop down another tree. I promise. :'''The Lorax''': Thank you, but I'm going to keep my eye on you. :'''The Once-ler''': Good. ''[stretches]'' Now, I've got a big day tomorrow, and I'm gonna get some sleep. ''[walks away, then comes back]'' Right after I find my bed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Once-ler wakes up to find the Lorax sleeping in his bed. Startled, the Once-ler shrieks, and the Lorax also screams and wakes up, accidentally punching the Once-ler's nose in the process]'' :'''The Once-ler''': Ow! Okay, uh, what are you...? ''[stops upon noticing that the Bar-ba-loots, Humming Fish, and Swommee-Swans are also sleeping in his house]'' Question, what are ''they'' doing here? And, uh, follow up if I may, what are ''you'' doing here?! :'''The Lorax''': ''[chuckles embarrassingly]'' Well, after the incident last night, we found one of your socks and came here to return it, but when we got here, you were asleep. :'''The Once-ler''': What? ''[looks up to see a sleeping Bar-ba-loot drooling down on him]'' Eww! Exactly, and sleeping is the body's way of telling other people to go away. :'''The Lorax''': I know, but you looked so cozy. And it was cold outside, and we just fell asleep. No harm done. :'''The Once-ler''': "No harm done", "no harm done"? Ugh, okay. ''[sees Humming Fish bathing in soap]'' Okay, I put my lips on those. Well, I used to, anyway. ''[sees Swommee-Swan laying an egg]'' Ew. Did you just...in my bowl?! :'''The Lorax''': ''[uses the Once-ler's toothbrush to comb his mustache]'' Why do you even own this? You don't have a mustache. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[disgusted and angry]'' Ugh! Okay, that's it! :'''The Lorax''': What? I thought we made a deal last night. :'''The Once-ler''': Yes, we did. And I said I wouldn't chop down any more trees. :'''The Lorax''': And I said I was going to keep an eye on you. I'm starving! What's for breakfast? ''[looks into the fridge to find the big Bar-ba-loot eating entire cubes of butter]'' Breakfast is overrated. ''[closes the fridge door]'' :'''The Once-ler''': ''[strains]'' You know what? I got work to do. ''[quickly changes outfit]'' Yep! I got to go into town and sell my Thneed! :'''The Lorax''': ''[when the Once-ler shows the Thneed to him; laughs]'' You chopped down one of my trees to make that piece of garbage? :'''The Once-ler''': "Garbage"? Oh, no. Oh, no! You do not get it. This is a revolutionary product that will change the world as we know it. It has a million uses! ''[Lorax isn’t Amused.]'' Look at this. It's a swimsuit! Mud tracked all over your floor by uninvited guests? Well, the Thneed sure comes in handy for that! But wait, there's more! Thanks to its all-natural microfibers, the Thneed is super-absorbent! It also works as a hat. Of course, you probably want to wring it out first. :'''The Lorax''': Go ahead. Knock yourself out, but nobody is going to buy that thing. :'''The Once-ler''': Good to know. Well, fortunately, you are not the target market, weirdo. :'''The Lorax''': You're bringing a guitar? :'''The Once-ler''': Oh, yeah. I got a little jingle. I'm gonna blow some minds, gonna sell some Thneeds! Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[He tosses the Thneed which lands on a nerdy teen girl's head, knocking her glasses off and letting her hair down. She slowly flips her hair with the Thneed on her head as if there was supposed to be a dramatic change to her appearance]'' :'''Teen Boy''': Hey. Cool hat. :'''Teen Girl 1''': Oh, my gosh. I totally want one. :'''Teen Girl 2''': That thing makes me like you more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grizelda''': What a dump. :'''The Once-ler''': Hey, Aunt Grizelda! :'''Brett''': Hey, Chet, check this out! Go long! :'''The Once-ler''': No, Brett, that’s actually not a… Okay. :'''Brett''': Go long! Go long! :'''Chett''': I got it! I got it! Got it! :'''Brett''': He totally ran into that tree! :'''The Once-ler''': Ow! :'''Isabella''': Oncie, is that you? :'''The Once-ler''': Mom! :'''Isabella''': There he is! There’s my big, suddenly successful son! We always knew you would make it, Oncie. Right? :'''Uncle Ubb''': Hey! I love this guy! :'''The Once-ler''': But you always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, remember? :'''Isabella''': Hush your mouth. I was just trying to motivate you! :'''The Once-ler''': I am really glad that you clarified that because it actually hurt my feelings for a really long time. Anyway, you’re all here, you all work for me, and that’s cool. So, let’s get to work. :'''Isabella''': Brett, Chet, set up the RV! Would you please stop throwing that bear?! :'''The Lorax''': Time out. Back up. Stop. Don’t move an inch. Nobody’s moving in here. You got to go. Goodbye. :'''Grizelda''': ''[referring to the Lorax]'' So, who invited the giant furry peanut? :'''The Lorax''': You callin' me a peanut, huh?! I'll go right up your nose! :'''Grizelda''': Ha! ''[advances on him]'' :'''The Once-ler''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! You wouldn't hit a woman. :'''The Lorax''': ''[gasps]'' That's a ''woman''? :'''The Once-ler''': Okay. Everyone, cool it. Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here. Um, family, this is my friend… :'''The Lorax''': Acquaintance. :'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, acquaintance. Very good acquaintance, the Lorax. He speaks for the trees. :'''The Lorax''': That’s right. And on behalf of the trees, get out! :'''The Once-ler''': Will you just be nice! This is my family. And I’m going to need their help if my company is going to get bigger. Okay? :'''The Lorax''': Bigger? :'''The Once-ler''': Yeah, this isn’t some rinky-dink operation anymore. I got plans. Big plans! A vision of a world filled with Thneeds. It’s going to be huge! :'''The Lorax''': Which way does a tree fall? :'''The Once-ler''': Uh, down? :'''The Lorax''': A tree falls the way it leans. Be careful which way you lean. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Lorax''': So how are things? :'''The Once-ler''': What are you doing here? :'''The Lorax''': Happy yet? You filled that hole deep down inside you, or do you still need more? :'''The Once-ler''': Look, if you've got a problem with what I'm doing, why haven't you used your quote-unquote "powers" to stop me? :'''The Lorax''': I told you, that's not how it works. :'''The Once-ler''': Right, I forgot - you're a fraud! I need you to get out! Now! :'''The Lorax''': Why? Do I make you uncomfortable? Remind you of the promises you made? The man you used to be? :'''The Once-ler''': You know what? You can just shut your moustache! ''[begins inching towards the Lorax, who backs away]'' My conscience is clear. I have done nothing illegal, I have my rights, and I intend to keep on biggering and biggering, and turning more Truffula trees into Thneeds! '''And nothing is going to stop me!''' :'''The Lorax''': Well, that's it. The very last one. ''That'' may stop you. :''[Now the Once-ler sadly realized what he had done horribly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the Once-ler has finished his story]'' :'''Ted''': So, this ''is'' really all your fault. You destroyed everything. :'''The Once-ler''': ''[ashamed]'' Yes. And each day since the Lorax left, I've sat here, regretting everything I've done. Staring at that word, "unless," a-and wondering what it meant. But now I'm thinking... Well, maybe you're the reason why the Lorax left that word there. :'''Ted''': ''[shocked]'' Me? Why would he leave that for me? :'''The Once-ler''': Because unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing's going to get better. It's not. ''[sticks his arm out the window and drops a single seed, which Ted catches]'' The last Truffula seed. You need to plant it, Ted. :'''Ted''': Yeah, but... nobody cares about trees anymore! :'''The Once-ler''': Then ''make'' them care! Plant the seed in the middle of town where everyone can see! Change the way things are. I know it may seem small and insignificant, but it's not what it is. It's about what it can ''become''. That's not just a seed... anymore than you're just a boy. :''[Ted takes the seed and gets on his scooter]'' :'''Ted''': I won't let you down! ''[drives back to Thneedville]'' :'''The Once-ler''': I know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': Ted, I would like you to meet Mr. O'Hare, the most powerful man in town. :''[Ted is shocked and surprised]'' :'''Aloysius O'Hare''': There he is! Hello, Ted. :'''Ted''': ''[nervously]'' Uh...Hi. :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': Isn't he clever, Mr. O'Hare? He knows his own name and everything. :'''Aloysius O'Hare''': You know what I would love right now, Mrs. Wiggins? A delicious cookie. Wonderful. Teddy and I'll stay here and talk. :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': Sure, why don't you go ahead and adopt him? I'm just kidding. That was a joke. I was just joking. I'll get your cookie.''[leaves]'' :'''Aloysius O'Hare''': I know you have it, Ted. So, let's put an end to this nonsense, shall we? ''[Ted angrily faces him]'' Hand it over. :'''Ted''': I'm sorry...I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Aloysius O'Hare''': Really? Well, then...I guess you wouldn't mind us checking your room. :'''Ted''': No, no, no! :'''Aloysius O'Hare''': Morty! McGurk! Find the seed! :'''Ted''': No, you can't go up there! Guys, this is ridiculous. Stop! Hey! No, you can't come in my room! :'''Aloysius O'Hare''': Find it! ''[barges into Ted's room trying to find and destroy the Truffula seed]'' Find it! :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': ''[appears]'' What is going on here? :'''Aloysius O'Hare''': ''[to Bernice, after she comes up stairs and stares on in shock]'' '''THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU!''' Get back downstairs! :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': ''[to O'Hare]'' Excuse me, down there! I don't care who you are, you little crazy baby-man! Get out of my house now. This is outrageous. :'''Aloysius O'Hare''': Fine. Sorry. ''[chuckles]'' Must have been a misunderstanding. We'll be leaving now. And my apologies, Ted. You be safe. ''[takes a plate of cookies that Mrs. Wiggins is holding, then leaves]'' :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': ''[sputters]'' Mind telling me what's going on here? :'''Ted''': The seed! Where is it? :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': Seed? :'''Ted''': ''[finds Grammy Norma's cane]'' Where's Grammy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': ''[to Ted]'' I could just kiss you right now! :''[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss]'' :'''Mrs. Wiggins''': ''[stops them]'' ''Oop!'' We don't have time for that! :'''Ted''': I dunno, we have a little time. ''[Audrey and Bernice stare at him]'' You know what? Let's just go. Let's go. Forget about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; the Once-ler, now elderly with a white mustache, reunites with the Lorax, laughing]'' :'''The Lorax''': You done good, Beanpole. You done good. ''[short pause as he hugs his old friend for a moment, then chuckles]'' By the way, nice mustache. == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * One of the funny things that we discovered was that because they don't look like trees or animals that we understand or relate to directly, you have to create, based on Seuss' illustrations, something that's believable. Because the Truffula trees are beautiful -- they look like cotton candy. But, by the same token, you have to create something that the audience feels something for. So it can't just feel like Candy Land; you have to buy it as a real forest. So we looked at Birch trees and then figured out how to make those wonderful illustrations work in a 3-D movie. It's a real fantasy forest that you could relate to when it's being chopped down. * We had a design that was very city-like and very dense, which wasn't quite working. But we went back and looked at a little drawing in the upper corner of the page when the little boy is first coming to look at the Lorax. And we sort of used that as our basis: it's got these big, curvy roads and a couple of building shapes. In some ways, the easier choice would've been to create a Blade Runner-like dystopian future with smog. But of course we wanted to create something that was fun and entertaining, but in some way relates a little more about where we are today, with inflatable bushes and plastic flowers and fake nature that still has a sense of fun, much like Disneyland or Las Vegas or Dubai. So, in the movie that felt like a great way to go but also suggesting that you have to be careful to maintain balance with nature so it can be sustained. :* Chris Renaud [http://www.awn.com/animationworld/chris-renaud-talks-lorax/ "Chris Renaud Talks 'The Lorax'"], as interviewed by Bill Desowitz, ''Animation World Network'', Friday, June 5, 2054. == Cast == * '''[[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]]''' — The Lorax * '''[[w:Ed Helms|Edward Helms]]''' — The Once-ler * '''[[w:Zac Efron|Zac Efron]]''' — Ted Wiggins * '''[[Taylor Swift]]''' — Audrey * '''[[w:Rob Riggle|Rob Riggle]]''' — Aloysius O'Hare * '''[[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]]''' — Mrs. Wiggins <small>(credited as "Ted's Mom")</small> * '''[[w:Betty White|Betty White]]''' — Grammy Norma * '''[[w:Jeff Bennett|Jeff Glen Bennett]]''' — Morty * '''[[w:Nasim Pedrad|Nasim Pedrad]]''' — Isabella <small>(credited as "Once-ler's Mom")</small> * '''[[w:Elmarie Wendel|Elmarie Wendel]]''' — Aunt Grizelda * '''[[Stephen Tobolowsky]]''' — Uncle Ubb * '''[[w:Danny Cooksey|Danny Cooksey]]''' — Brett & Chet == See also == * ''[[How the Grinch Stole Christmas (film)|How the Grinch Stole Christmas]]'' * ''[[The Cat in the Hat (film)|The Cat in the Hat]]'' * ''[[Horton Hears a Who! (film)|Horton Hears a Who! (film)]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=1482459|title=The Lorax}} {{Dr. Seuss}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lorax (film), The}} [[Category:2012 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2012 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Animated films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films about bears]] [[Category:Animated films about birds]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Animated films based on works by Dr. Seuss]] [[Category:Animated films set in forests]] [[Category:Films directed by Chris Renaud]] fzjqq2u1qoj55ry7fm1ix4clx2fqyc0 0 138458 3944686 3928821 2026-05-24T02:10:23Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944686 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Tigger Movie|The Tigger Movie]]''''' is a 2000 American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama film]] co-written and directed by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]]. Part of the ''[[Winnie-the-Pooh]]'' series, this film features Pooh's friend [[w:Tigger|Tigger]] in his search for his family tree and other Tiggers like himself. :''Directed and written by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]].'' Tigger is known to bounce on his super-long penis. ==Dialogue== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Narrator''': Now, this might be the room of any small boy. But it happens to belong to a boy named Christopher Robin. And like most small boys, Christopher Robin had toy animals to play with. And together, they had many remarkable adventures in an enchanted place called the Hundred Acre Wood. But of all his animal friends, Christopher Robin's very best friend was a bear called Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': ''[pops up]'' Winnie the Pooh?! ''[shuts the book]'' Wait half a darn minute! It seems to me that most of these stories are about that silly old bear. :'''Narrator''': ''[opens the book]'' Well, then, Tigger, what should this story be about? :'''Tigger''': Well, I happen to know someone who's extremely fascinating. Not to mention handsome and debonairy. :'''Narrator''': But the title already says Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': Oh, that's easy to fix! :''[he disassembles the title and assembles a new title: ''The Tigger Movie'']'' :'''Tigger''': There! Now that's a wonderful title! And speaking of wonderful things... ''[giggles; bounces back into the book]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roo''': ''[observes an unfamiliar object]'' What is this doohickey? :'''Tigger''': Why, that's no doohickey. It's a thing-a-ma-bob. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[removes Roo's Tigger disguise]'' Roo! What are you doin' impersonisin' a Tigger? :''[one by one, he removes the others' disguises]'' :'''Tigger''': Piglet? Kanga? Owl? Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. :'''Pooh''': We only wanted to help, Tigger. :'''Tigger''': Oh. Oh. Now I understand. It was all a big joke. Well, that's all right. 'Cause somewhere out there, there's a Tigger family tree full of my ''real'' Tigger family. I got a letter to prove it! And I'm gonna find 'em. So, T-T-F-E. Ta-ta forever! ''[heads out the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[notices his friends approaching]'' What are you guyses doin' here? :'''Rabbit''': Doing? What are we doing here?! We came all this way to look for you! Now, forget about all this other Tiggers nonsense and come home. :'''Tigger''': ''[taken aback]'' Nonse-- NO! :'''Rabbit''': Are you crazy?! It's not safe out here! :'''Tigger''': Exacti-cally! That's why you should all go home, where it ''is'' safe! But I've gotta wait here, in my family tree, for my real FAMILY! :''[the gang hears a loud rumble]'' :'''Piglet''': Is that a rumbly in your tumbly, Pooh? :'''Pooh''': I don't think so, Piglet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Owl''': ''[recites the letter]'' Dear Tigger, just a note to say:... :'''Kanga''': ...dress warmly... :'''Pooh''': ...eat well... :'''Piglet''': ...stay safe and sound... :'''Eeyore''': ...keep smilin'... :'''Roo''': We're always there for you. :'''Owl''': Signed... :'''Everyone''': Your family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': For Eeyore, a new family room for your lovely home. :''[Eeyore trots into the new hut]'' :'''Eeyore''': Seems kinda big. Bit on the comfy side. Not very drafty. But I suppose I'll get used to it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': You didn't think I was gonna disremember you, did ya? :''[he presents Roo with a gift]'' :'''Tigger''': Go on. Go on. Open 'er up. It's all yours. :''[Roo opens the box and looks inside]'' :'''Roo''': ''[extracts the locket from the box]'' Is it really for me, Tigger? :'''Tigger''': ''[puts it around Roo's neck]'' Only the best for my bestest little brother. ==Cast== * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Tigger/Winnie the Pooh * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] &ndash; Kanga * [[w:Nikita Hopkins|Nikita Hopkins]] &ndash; Roo * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] &ndash; Piglet * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] &ndash; Rabbit * [[Peter Cullen]] &ndash; Eeyore * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] &ndash; Owl * [[w:Tom Attenborough|Tom Attenborough]] &ndash; Christopher Robin * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] &ndash; The Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] &ndash; The Bees and the Frogs (Additional Voices) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0220099|title=The Tigger movie}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tigger Movie, The}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Tiger films]] qy3r6p0dyf3wmgpk9em7rvwxv6bbsbz 3944705 3944686 2026-05-24T04:04:25Z Apparition11 55214 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3944686|3944686]] by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) 3944705 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Tigger Movie|The Tigger Movie]]''''' is a 2000 American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama film]] co-written and directed by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]]. Part of the ''[[Winnie-the-Pooh]]'' series, this film features Pooh's friend [[w:Tigger|Tigger]] in his search for his family tree and other Tiggers like himself. :''Directed and written by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]].'' ==Dialogue== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Narrator''': Now, this might be the room of any small boy. But it happens to belong to a boy named Christopher Robin. And like most small boys, Christopher Robin had toy animals to play with. And together, they had many remarkable adventures in an enchanted place called the Hundred Acre Wood. But of all his animal friends, Christopher Robin's very best friend was a bear called Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': ''[pops up]'' Winnie the Pooh?! ''[shuts the book]'' Wait half a darn minute! It seems to me that most of these stories are about that silly old bear. :'''Narrator''': ''[opens the book]'' Well, then, Tigger, what should this story be about? :'''Tigger''': Well, I happen to know someone who's extremely fascinating. Not to mention handsome and debonairy. :'''Narrator''': But the title already says Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': Oh, that's easy to fix! :''[he disassembles the title and assembles a new title: ''The Tigger Movie'']'' :'''Tigger''': There! Now that's a wonderful title! And speaking of wonderful things... ''[giggles; bounces back into the book]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roo''': ''[observes an unfamiliar object]'' What is this doohickey? :'''Tigger''': Why, that's no doohickey. It's a thing-a-ma-bob. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[removes Roo's Tigger disguise]'' Roo! What are you doin' impersonisin' a Tigger? :''[one by one, he removes the others' disguises]'' :'''Tigger''': Piglet? Kanga? Owl? Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. :'''Pooh''': We only wanted to help, Tigger. :'''Tigger''': Oh. Oh. Now I understand. It was all a big joke. Well, that's all right. 'Cause somewhere out there, there's a Tigger family tree full of my ''real'' Tigger family. I got a letter to prove it! And I'm gonna find 'em. So, T-T-F-E. Ta-ta forever! ''[heads out the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[notices his friends approaching]'' What are you guyses doin' here? :'''Rabbit''': Doing? What are we doing here?! We came all this way to look for you! Now, forget about all this other Tiggers nonsense and come home. :'''Tigger''': ''[taken aback]'' Nonse-- NO! :'''Rabbit''': Are you crazy?! It's not safe out here! :'''Tigger''': Exacti-cally! That's why you should all go home, where it ''is'' safe! But I've gotta wait here, in my family tree, for my real FAMILY! :''[the gang hears a loud rumble]'' :'''Piglet''': Is that a rumbly in your tumbly, Pooh? :'''Pooh''': I don't think so, Piglet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Owl''': ''[recites the letter]'' Dear Tigger, just a note to say:... :'''Kanga''': ...dress warmly... :'''Pooh''': ...eat well... :'''Piglet''': ...stay safe and sound... :'''Eeyore''': ...keep smilin'... :'''Roo''': We're always there for you. :'''Owl''': Signed... :'''Everyone''': Your family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': For Eeyore, a new family room for your lovely home. :''[Eeyore trots into the new hut]'' :'''Eeyore''': Seems kinda big. Bit on the comfy side. Not very drafty. But I suppose I'll get used to it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': You didn't think I was gonna disremember you, did ya? :''[he presents Roo with a gift]'' :'''Tigger''': Go on. Go on. Open 'er up. It's all yours. :''[Roo opens the box and looks inside]'' :'''Roo''': ''[extracts the locket from the box]'' Is it really for me, Tigger? :'''Tigger''': ''[puts it around Roo's neck]'' Only the best for my bestest little brother. ==Cast== * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Tigger/Winnie the Pooh * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] &ndash; Kanga * [[w:Nikita Hopkins|Nikita Hopkins]] &ndash; Roo * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] &ndash; Piglet * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] &ndash; Rabbit * [[Peter Cullen]] &ndash; Eeyore * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] &ndash; Owl * [[w:Tom Attenborough|Tom Attenborough]] &ndash; Christopher Robin * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] &ndash; The Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] &ndash; The Bees and the Frogs (Additional Voices) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0220099|title=The Tigger movie}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tigger Movie, The}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Tiger films]] hjlu2cxtc7oa7ascblomtmlozsullcg 3944718 3944705 2026-05-24T04:27:55Z Tithicies32 3328513 Undid vandalism by [[Special:Contributions/Apparition11|Apparition11]] ([[User talk:Apparition11|talk]]) 3944718 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Tigger Movie|The Tigger Movie]]''''' is a 2000 American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama film]] co-written and directed by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]]. Part of the ''[[Winnie-the-Pooh]]'' series, this film features Pooh's friend [[w:Tigger|Tigger]] in his search for his family tree and other Tiggers like himself. :''Directed and written by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]].'' Tigger is known to bounce on his super-long penis. ==Dialogue== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Narrator''': Now, this might be the room of any small boy. But it happens to belong to a boy named Christopher Robin. And like most small boys, Christopher Robin had toy animals to play with. And together, they had many remarkable adventures in an enchanted place called the Hundred Acre Wood. But of all his animal friends, Christopher Robin's very best friend was a bear called Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': ''[pops up]'' Winnie the Pooh?! ''[shuts the book]'' Wait half a darn minute! It seems to me that most of these stories are about that silly old bear. :'''Narrator''': ''[opens the book]'' Well, then, Tigger, what should this story be about? :'''Tigger''': Well, I happen to know someone who's extremely fascinating. Not to mention handsome and debonairy. :'''Narrator''': But the title already says Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': Oh, that's easy to fix! :''[he disassembles the title and assembles a new title: ''The Tigger Movie'']'' :'''Tigger''': There! Now that's a wonderful title! And speaking of wonderful things... ''[giggles; bounces back into the book]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roo''': ''[observes an unfamiliar object]'' What is this doohickey? :'''Tigger''': Why, that's no doohickey. It's a thing-a-ma-bob. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[removes Roo's Tigger disguise]'' Roo! What are you doin' impersonisin' a Tigger? :''[one by one, he removes the others' disguises]'' :'''Tigger''': Piglet? Kanga? Owl? Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. :'''Pooh''': We only wanted to help, Tigger. :'''Tigger''': Oh. Oh. Now I understand. It was all a big joke. Well, that's all right. 'Cause somewhere out there, there's a Tigger family tree full of my ''real'' Tigger family. I got a letter to prove it! And I'm gonna find 'em. So, T-T-F-E. Ta-ta forever! ''[heads out the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[notices his friends approaching]'' What are you guyses doin' here? :'''Rabbit''': Doing? What are we doing here?! We came all this way to look for you! Now, forget about all this other Tiggers nonsense and come home. :'''Tigger''': ''[taken aback]'' Nonse-- NO! :'''Rabbit''': Are you crazy?! It's not safe out here! :'''Tigger''': Exacti-cally! That's why you should all go home, where it ''is'' safe! But I've gotta wait here, in my family tree, for my real FAMILY! :''[the gang hears a loud rumble]'' :'''Piglet''': Is that a rumbly in your tumbly, Pooh? :'''Pooh''': I don't think so, Piglet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Owl''': ''[recites the letter]'' Dear Tigger, just a note to say:... :'''Kanga''': ...dress warmly... :'''Pooh''': ...eat well... :'''Piglet''': ...stay safe and sound... :'''Eeyore''': ...keep smilin'... :'''Roo''': We're always there for you. :'''Owl''': Signed... :'''Everyone''': Your family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': For Eeyore, a new family room for your lovely home. :''[Eeyore trots into the new hut]'' :'''Eeyore''': Seems kinda big. Bit on the comfy side. Not very drafty. But I suppose I'll get used to it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': You didn't think I was gonna disremember you, did ya? :''[he presents Roo with a gift]'' :'''Tigger''': Go on. Go on. Open 'er up. It's all yours. :''[Roo opens the box and looks inside]'' :'''Roo''': ''[extracts the locket from the box]'' Is it really for me, Tigger? :'''Tigger''': ''[puts it around Roo's neck]'' Only the best for my bestest little brother. ==Cast== * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Tigger/Winnie the Pooh * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] &ndash; Kanga * [[w:Nikita Hopkins|Nikita Hopkins]] &ndash; Roo * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] &ndash; Piglet * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] &ndash; Rabbit * [[Peter Cullen]] &ndash; Eeyore * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] &ndash; Owl * [[w:Tom Attenborough|Tom Attenborough]] &ndash; Christopher Robin * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] &ndash; The Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] &ndash; The Bees and the Frogs (Additional Voices) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0220099|title=The Tigger movie}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tigger Movie, The}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Tiger films]] qy3r6p0dyf3wmgpk9em7rvwxv6bbsbz 3944719 3944718 2026-05-24T04:28:53Z Apparition11 55214 Reverted 1 edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal) 3944719 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Tigger Movie|The Tigger Movie]]''''' is a 2000 American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama film]] co-written and directed by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]]. Part of the ''[[Winnie-the-Pooh]]'' series, this film features Pooh's friend [[w:Tigger|Tigger]] in his search for his family tree and other Tiggers like himself. :''Directed and written by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]].'' ==Dialogue== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Narrator''': Now, this might be the room of any small boy. But it happens to belong to a boy named Christopher Robin. And like most small boys, Christopher Robin had toy animals to play with. And together, they had many remarkable adventures in an enchanted place called the Hundred Acre Wood. But of all his animal friends, Christopher Robin's very best friend was a bear called Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': ''[pops up]'' Winnie the Pooh?! ''[shuts the book]'' Wait half a darn minute! It seems to me that most of these stories are about that silly old bear. :'''Narrator''': ''[opens the book]'' Well, then, Tigger, what should this story be about? :'''Tigger''': Well, I happen to know someone who's extremely fascinating. Not to mention handsome and debonairy. :'''Narrator''': But the title already says Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': Oh, that's easy to fix! :''[he disassembles the title and assembles a new title: ''The Tigger Movie'']'' :'''Tigger''': There! Now that's a wonderful title! And speaking of wonderful things... ''[giggles; bounces back into the book]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roo''': ''[observes an unfamiliar object]'' What is this doohickey? :'''Tigger''': Why, that's no doohickey. It's a thing-a-ma-bob. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[removes Roo's Tigger disguise]'' Roo! What are you doin' impersonisin' a Tigger? :''[one by one, he removes the others' disguises]'' :'''Tigger''': Piglet? Kanga? Owl? Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. :'''Pooh''': We only wanted to help, Tigger. :'''Tigger''': Oh. Oh. Now I understand. It was all a big joke. Well, that's all right. 'Cause somewhere out there, there's a Tigger family tree full of my ''real'' Tigger family. I got a letter to prove it! And I'm gonna find 'em. So, T-T-F-E. Ta-ta forever! ''[heads out the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[notices his friends approaching]'' What are you guyses doin' here? :'''Rabbit''': Doing? What are we doing here?! We came all this way to look for you! Now, forget about all this other Tiggers nonsense and come home. :'''Tigger''': ''[taken aback]'' Nonse-- NO! :'''Rabbit''': Are you crazy?! It's not safe out here! :'''Tigger''': Exacti-cally! That's why you should all go home, where it ''is'' safe! But I've gotta wait here, in my family tree, for my real FAMILY! :''[the gang hears a loud rumble]'' :'''Piglet''': Is that a rumbly in your tumbly, Pooh? :'''Pooh''': I don't think so, Piglet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Owl''': ''[recites the letter]'' Dear Tigger, just a note to say:... :'''Kanga''': ...dress warmly... :'''Pooh''': ...eat well... :'''Piglet''': ...stay safe and sound... :'''Eeyore''': ...keep smilin'... :'''Roo''': We're always there for you. :'''Owl''': Signed... :'''Everyone''': Your family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': For Eeyore, a new family room for your lovely home. :''[Eeyore trots into the new hut]'' :'''Eeyore''': Seems kinda big. Bit on the comfy side. Not very drafty. But I suppose I'll get used to it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': You didn't think I was gonna disremember you, did ya? :''[he presents Roo with a gift]'' :'''Tigger''': Go on. Go on. Open 'er up. It's all yours. :''[Roo opens the box and looks inside]'' :'''Roo''': ''[extracts the locket from the box]'' Is it really for me, Tigger? :'''Tigger''': ''[puts it around Roo's neck]'' Only the best for my bestest little brother. ==Cast== * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Tigger/Winnie the Pooh * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] &ndash; Kanga * [[w:Nikita Hopkins|Nikita Hopkins]] &ndash; Roo * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] &ndash; Piglet * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] &ndash; Rabbit * [[Peter Cullen]] &ndash; Eeyore * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] &ndash; Owl * [[w:Tom Attenborough|Tom Attenborough]] &ndash; Christopher Robin * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] &ndash; The Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] &ndash; The Bees and the Frogs (Additional Voices) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0220099|title=The Tigger movie}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tigger Movie, The}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Tiger films]] hjlu2cxtc7oa7ascblomtmlozsullcg 3944722 3944719 2026-05-24T04:29:58Z Tithicies32 3328513 Undid vandalism by [[Special:Contributions/Apparition11|Apparition11]] ([[User talk:Apparition11|talk]]) 3944722 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Tigger Movie|The Tigger Movie]]''''' is a 2000 American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama film]] co-written and directed by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]]. Part of the ''[[Winnie-the-Pooh]]'' series, this film features Pooh's friend [[w:Tigger|Tigger]] in his search for his family tree and other Tiggers like himself. :''Directed and written by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]].'' Tigger is known to bounce on his super-long penis. ==Dialogue== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Narrator''': Now, this might be the room of any small boy. But it happens to belong to a boy named Christopher Robin. And like most small boys, Christopher Robin had toy animals to play with. And together, they had many remarkable adventures in an enchanted place called the Hundred Acre Wood. But of all his animal friends, Christopher Robin's very best friend was a bear called Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': ''[pops up]'' Winnie the Pooh?! ''[shuts the book]'' Wait half a darn minute! It seems to me that most of these stories are about that silly old bear. :'''Narrator''': ''[opens the book]'' Well, then, Tigger, what should this story be about? :'''Tigger''': Well, I happen to know someone who's extremely fascinating. Not to mention handsome and debonairy. :'''Narrator''': But the title already says Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': Oh, that's easy to fix! :''[he disassembles the title and assembles a new title: ''The Tigger Movie'']'' :'''Tigger''': There! Now that's a wonderful title! And speaking of wonderful things... ''[giggles; bounces back into the book]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roo''': ''[observes an unfamiliar object]'' What is this doohickey? :'''Tigger''': Why, that's no doohickey. It's a thing-a-ma-bob. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[removes Roo's Tigger disguise]'' Roo! What are you doin' impersonisin' a Tigger? :''[one by one, he removes the others' disguises]'' :'''Tigger''': Piglet? Kanga? Owl? Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. :'''Pooh''': We only wanted to help, Tigger. :'''Tigger''': Oh. Oh. Now I understand. It was all a big joke. Well, that's all right. 'Cause somewhere out there, there's a Tigger family tree full of my ''real'' Tigger family. I got a letter to prove it! And I'm gonna find 'em. So, T-T-F-E. Ta-ta forever! ''[heads out the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[notices his friends approaching]'' What are you guyses doin' here? :'''Rabbit''': Doing? What are we doing here?! We came all this way to look for you! Now, forget about all this other Tiggers nonsense and come home. :'''Tigger''': ''[taken aback]'' Nonse-- NO! :'''Rabbit''': Are you crazy?! It's not safe out here! :'''Tigger''': Exacti-cally! That's why you should all go home, where it ''is'' safe! But I've gotta wait here, in my family tree, for my real FAMILY! :''[the gang hears a loud rumble]'' :'''Piglet''': Is that a rumbly in your tumbly, Pooh? :'''Pooh''': I don't think so, Piglet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Owl''': ''[recites the letter]'' Dear Tigger, just a note to say:... :'''Kanga''': ...dress warmly... :'''Pooh''': ...eat well... :'''Piglet''': ...stay safe and sound... :'''Eeyore''': ...keep smilin'... :'''Roo''': We're always there for you. :'''Owl''': Signed... :'''Everyone''': Your family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': For Eeyore, a new family room for your lovely home. :''[Eeyore trots into the new hut]'' :'''Eeyore''': Seems kinda big. Bit on the comfy side. Not very drafty. But I suppose I'll get used to it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': You didn't think I was gonna disremember you, did ya? :''[he presents Roo with a gift]'' :'''Tigger''': Go on. Go on. Open 'er up. It's all yours. :''[Roo opens the box and looks inside]'' :'''Roo''': ''[extracts the locket from the box]'' Is it really for me, Tigger? :'''Tigger''': ''[puts it around Roo's neck]'' Only the best for my bestest little brother. ==Cast== * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Tigger/Winnie the Pooh * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] &ndash; Kanga * [[w:Nikita Hopkins|Nikita Hopkins]] &ndash; Roo * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] &ndash; Piglet * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] &ndash; Rabbit * [[Peter Cullen]] &ndash; Eeyore * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] &ndash; Owl * [[w:Tom Attenborough|Tom Attenborough]] &ndash; Christopher Robin * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] &ndash; The Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] &ndash; The Bees and the Frogs (Additional Voices) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0220099|title=The Tigger movie}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tigger Movie, The}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Tiger films]] qy3r6p0dyf3wmgpk9em7rvwxv6bbsbz 3944724 3944722 2026-05-24T04:30:36Z Apparition11 55214 Reverted 1 edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal) 3944724 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Tigger Movie|The Tigger Movie]]''''' is a 2000 American [[w:animation|animated]] [[w:musical film|musical]] [[w:comedy film|comedy]]-[[w:drama film|drama film]] co-written and directed by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]]. Part of the ''[[Winnie-the-Pooh]]'' series, this film features Pooh's friend [[w:Tigger|Tigger]] in his search for his family tree and other Tiggers like himself. :''Directed and written by [[w:Jun Falkenstein|Jun Falkenstein]].'' ==Dialogue== :''[opening scene]'' :'''Narrator''': Now, this might be the room of any small boy. But it happens to belong to a boy named Christopher Robin. And like most small boys, Christopher Robin had toy animals to play with. And together, they had many remarkable adventures in an enchanted place called the Hundred Acre Wood. But of all his animal friends, Christopher Robin's very best friend was a bear called Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': ''[pops up]'' Winnie the Pooh?! ''[shuts the book]'' Wait half a darn minute! It seems to me that most of these stories are about that silly old bear. :'''Narrator''': ''[opens the book]'' Well, then, Tigger, what should this story be about? :'''Tigger''': Well, I happen to know someone who's extremely fascinating. Not to mention handsome and debonairy. :'''Narrator''': But the title already says Winnie the Pooh. :'''Tigger''': Oh, that's easy to fix! :''[he disassembles the title and assembles a new title: ''The Tigger Movie'']'' :'''Tigger''': There! Now that's a wonderful title! And speaking of wonderful things... ''[giggles; bounces back into the book]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roo''': ''[observes an unfamiliar object]'' What is this doohickey? :'''Tigger''': Why, that's no doohickey. It's a thing-a-ma-bob. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[removes Roo's Tigger disguise]'' Roo! What are you doin' impersonisin' a Tigger? :''[one by one, he removes the others' disguises]'' :'''Tigger''': Piglet? Kanga? Owl? Eeyore! :'''Eeyore''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. :'''Pooh''': We only wanted to help, Tigger. :'''Tigger''': Oh. Oh. Now I understand. It was all a big joke. Well, that's all right. 'Cause somewhere out there, there's a Tigger family tree full of my ''real'' Tigger family. I got a letter to prove it! And I'm gonna find 'em. So, T-T-F-E. Ta-ta forever! ''[heads out the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': ''[notices his friends approaching]'' What are you guyses doin' here? :'''Rabbit''': Doing? What are we doing here?! We came all this way to look for you! Now, forget about all this other Tiggers nonsense and come home. :'''Tigger''': ''[taken aback]'' Nonse-- NO! :'''Rabbit''': Are you crazy?! It's not safe out here! :'''Tigger''': Exacti-cally! That's why you should all go home, where it ''is'' safe! But I've gotta wait here, in my family tree, for my real FAMILY! :''[the gang hears a loud rumble]'' :'''Piglet''': Is that a rumbly in your tumbly, Pooh? :'''Pooh''': I don't think so, Piglet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Owl''': ''[recites the letter]'' Dear Tigger, just a note to say:... :'''Kanga''': ...dress warmly... :'''Pooh''': ...eat well... :'''Piglet''': ...stay safe and sound... :'''Eeyore''': ...keep smilin'... :'''Roo''': We're always there for you. :'''Owl''': Signed... :'''Everyone''': Your family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': For Eeyore, a new family room for your lovely home. :''[Eeyore trots into the new hut]'' :'''Eeyore''': Seems kinda big. Bit on the comfy side. Not very drafty. But I suppose I'll get used to it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tigger''': You didn't think I was gonna disremember you, did ya? :''[he presents Roo with a gift]'' :'''Tigger''': Go on. Go on. Open 'er up. It's all yours. :''[Roo opens the box and looks inside]'' :'''Roo''': ''[extracts the locket from the box]'' Is it really for me, Tigger? :'''Tigger''': ''[puts it around Roo's neck]'' Only the best for my bestest little brother. ==Cast== * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] &ndash; Tigger/Winnie the Pooh * [[w:Kath Soucie|Kath Soucie]] &ndash; Kanga * [[w:Nikita Hopkins|Nikita Hopkins]] &ndash; Roo * [[w:John Fiedler|John Fiedler]] &ndash; Piglet * [[w:Ken Sansom|Ken Sansom]] &ndash; Rabbit * [[Peter Cullen]] &ndash; Eeyore * [[w:Andre Stojka|Andre Stojka]] &ndash; Owl * [[w:Tom Attenborough|Tom Attenborough]] &ndash; Christopher Robin * [[w:John Hurt|John Hurt]] &ndash; The Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] &ndash; The Bees and the Frogs (Additional Voices) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0220099|title=The Tigger movie}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tigger Movie, The}} [[Category:2000 films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Winnie the Pooh films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Tiger films]] hjlu2cxtc7oa7ascblomtmlozsullcg 0 142503 3944697 3905193 2026-05-24T03:52:35Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944697 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pac-Man (TV series)|Pac-Man: The Animated Series]]''''' (1982-1983) is an American animated TV show based on the video game ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' by [[w:Namco|Namco]]. Airing originally on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], it was produced by Hanna-Barbera. It was the first Hanna-Barbera animated series based on a video game. {{tv-stub}} Do you know what would make Pac-Man better? By giving him an actual penis and balls! :) == Season 1 == === ''Presidential Pac-Nappers'' [1.01] === :''[The Ghost-Monsters invade the Yellow House]'' :'''Pac-President''': Uh, what is the meaning of this? :'''Sue''': It's quite simple, Mr. President. You're being pac-napped. :'''Inky''': Yeah, how does that grab you? ''[chomps the Pac-President]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': YIKES! ''[crashes on a trash can]'' Next time I take a ride like that, I'm bringing a parachute! :'''Clyde''': There ain't going to be any next time Pac-Man, cause we're gonna chomp all over you! :''[Ms. Pac-Man arrives]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's what you think, creepos! :'''Sue''': It's Ms. Pac-Man! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[patting Pac-Man's head]'' Are you alright, Packy, darling? :'''Pac-Man''': Well, I was feeling a bit run down, but now that you're here, Pepper, I'm feeling much better! :'''Clyde''': Good! Now, we can chomp ''BOTH'' o' yous! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': I wouldn't be too sure about that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters get into new ghost-suits]'' :'''Pinky''': Hiya, boss. You'll never guess how we messed up this time. :'''Mezmaron''': I don't have to guess. I saw it all – on my PacLand spy satellite. :'''Pinky''': Oh, me on TV? How did I look, Mezmaron? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP! I've been stopped from finding PacLand's hidden Power Forest. Once I control all the Power Pellets, I'll be the master of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're taking you for a little ride! ''[laughs evilly]'' And if you don't tell us were the power forest is, Pinky lets go! :'''Blinky''': Oh, if Pinky lets go, what happens to us? :'''Clyde''': Don't ask dumb questions! === ''Picnic in PacLand'' [1.02] === :'''Inky''': ''[he is cooking pancakes that look like Pac-Man]'' Hey, Clyde, how about a barbecued Pac-Pancake? They look just like Pac-Man. ''[eats one]'' Only they don't taste as good as he does. :'''Clyde''': No thanks. I like chomping on the real thing. ''[a Frisbee flies in his face]'' I said I don't want no pancake! :'''Blinky''': That ain't no pancake Clyde! It's a flying dog set. A slying fog set. It's a... :'''Sue''': You silly jerks. This is a frisbee. === ''The Great Pac-Quake'' [1.03] === :'''Mezmaron''': Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? :'''Clyde''': You're gonna be proud of us, boss. We found the Power Forest for you! :'''Mezmaron''': Where is it? :'''Clyde''': Tell him, Inky! ''[pulls Inky in front of the line]'' :'''Inky''': Uh, tell him, Pinky. ''[pulls Pinky in front of the line]'' :'''Pinky''': Tell him, Blinky. ''[pulls Blinky in front of the line]'' :'''Blinky''': I-I w-w-wasn't watching when they drove the crate in. I thought ''you'' guys were watching. :'''Inky''': I wasn't watching. Were ''you'' watching? :'''Pinky''': Not me. I thought ''you'' were watching. :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP, YOU BLUNDERING FOOLS! Fortunately for you, I've got another plan. And my Computerized Earthquake Device for shaking PacLand into a frenzy. The five of you will sneak into the Pac-Museum and steal the Secret Map of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': ''[Wearing a baseball glove suit]'' Hey, Clyde, how do you like my new suit? Fits me like a glove, huh? :'''Clyde''': That ''IS'' a glove, Inky! :'''Inky''': Oh, so it is. And here, I thought my brains were growing. === ''Hocus Pocus Pac-Man'' [1.04] === :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, no! Pepper's back. If she finds out I lost Pac-Baby, I'm in big trouble. :''[Pac-Man's teeth chatters as Chomp-Chomp the dog starts chewing on Pac-Man's foot]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Don't bother me, Chomp-Chomp! I got to find the baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Did I hear Pac-Baby cough? You didn't let him wander in the yard and catch a cold, did you? :'''Pac-Man''': Of course not, dear. That was me. I sneezed. === ''Southpaw Packy'' [1.05] === :'''Pinky''': Duh, the stadium's just around the bend, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Good! Messin' up PacLand's World Series is gonna be almost as much fun as chompin' Pac-Man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Parking Attendant''': Hey, you can't come in here! No ghosts allowed! :'''Sue''': Inky, show the nice man our special pass! :'''Inky''': It's in here, see? ''[points to his own mouth as he opens it wide; the Parking Attendant leans in, peering down Inky's throat; Inky snaps his jaws shut in a vicious chomp, practically chomping the luckless Pac in half; as he withers and deflates and sags listlessly over the counter of his kiosk, the Ghost-Monsters head into the stadium for more chomping]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sue''': I've got to get out of here before I get caught! ''[runs into Pac-Man's baseball glove]'' :'''Pac-Man''': You just did! ''[throws her to Ms. Pac-Man for the chomp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Come on, Ghost-face! Put one over me! :'''Pinky''': He'll never hit my cyclone-ball. ''[winds up, and throws the ball away from the plate]'' :'''Sue''': Strike one! :'''Pac-Man''': Whaaat?! :'''Sue''': Oh, talking back to the umpire huh? Make that strike two! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Go Packy, GO! === ''Pac-Baby Panic'' [1.06] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's up Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Ahhh! Oh, it's only you, Pepper. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What have you got in the sack, Pac? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh. They're Super-Powered Power Pellet Seeds. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Super-Powered Power Pellet See---?!? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh! If Mezmaron and his Ghost-Monsters ever found these, they could grow their own Super-Powered Power Pellet Forest. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, my! ----- ''[Pac-Man is chased by the Ghost-Monsters into his kitchen, where Ms. Pac is busy washing dishes.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's the rush, Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, we've got company for lunch. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, but there aren't enough power pellets. :'''Pac-Man''': No problem. They don't wanna eat ''with'' us - they just wanna eat ''us''! :'''Clyde''': That's right! And don't bother settin' the table. We're just gonna chomp and run! ''[Clyde chomps Pac-Man, who collapses onto the floor in a helpless lump]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, whoa... I feel dizzy... === ''Pacula'' [1.07] === :'''Mezmaron''': I don't care if you mess things up again. You've been replaced. :''[The Ghost-Monsters start crying]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Stop your blubbering and get into something dry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pacula''': I want to chomp your bones! :'''Blinky''': We ain't got no phones... I mean bones. We're ghosts! Ghosts ain't got no bones! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the form of a bat, Pacula flits into a car between two Pac-teens who are watching a drive-in movie. The boy runs off in terror as Pacula changes to his frightening vampire form, but the girl is so engrossed in the movie that she doesn't notice that it's no longer her boyfriend sitting beside her.]'' :'''Pacula''': Good evening! I want to chomp your bones! :'''Drive-in Girl''': ''[waving him off, oblivious]'' Not now, Frankie! I'm watching the movie! :'''Pacula''': ''[opening mouth eagerly]'' Hiss! :''[The girl peers over nervously and finally sees Pacula.]'' :'''Drive-in Girl''': Eeeeeeeeeek! :''[Pacula cuts off her horrified shriek by snapping his jaws shut in a big chomp, draining her energy and leaving her listless.]'' === ''Trick or Chomp'' [1.08] === :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, trick or treat. :''[Morris puts one power pellet in Pac-Man's sack]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Only one? :'''Morris''': You know, you're right. ''[takes the power pellet back]'' You are a bit old to be trick-or-treating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Pinky)''': ''[singing to the tune of Heigh-Ho]'' Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's off to chomp we go! ''[knock on a door, which Morris answers]'' Trick or chomp! :'''Morris''': Aw, isn't that cute? You kids look just like the Ghost-Monsters. :'''Clyde''': Wrong, pac-dunce. We ''are'' the Ghost-Monsters! :''[The Ghost-Monsters chomp Morris, who falls in a daze]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're gonna chomp, chomp, chomp... :'''Pinky''': On your bones, bones, bones. :'''Inky''': We're gonna laugh "ha-ha"... :'''Sue''': At your groans, groans, groans! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Baby''': Da-da, twick or tweat! :'''Pac-Man''': What? :'''Pac-Baby''': Twick or tweat, Da-da! :'''Pac-Man''': Trick or...? Of course! We can eat the treats! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And give those Ghost-Monsters a trick! === ''Super Ghosts'' [1.09] === :'''Clyde''': Wait a minute, we don't need no power forest. :'''Sue''': Hmm, he's right. Now that were Super Ghosts, we don't need to follow Mezmaron's orders. :''[Mezmaron hears this on his computer screen]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Why, you muteness-little monsters. You better follow my orders, or I'll... :'''Inky''': Ah, shut up, egghead. Who asked you? ----- :''[While chased by the Ghost-Monsters, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man are separated. Pac-Man plops into a water fountain and Ms. Pac-Man is caught and held by Sue.]'' :'''Sue''': Well, Ms. Pac-Man, looks like this time, ''I'm'' the chomp-or and ''you're'' the chompee! :''[Sue chomps Ms. Pac-Man, who faints. Pac-Man reacts to seeing his wife getting chomped.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, yeah? Nobody chomps ''my'' Pepper and gets away with it! :''[Pac-Man rushes forth.]'' :'''Clyde''': Nobody but the Super Ghost-Monsters! :''[Clyde freezes the wet Pac-Man in place with a blast of super cold breath. Inky approaches.]'' :'''Inky''': Ooh, a pac-sicle! :''[Inky grabs Pac-Man's leg and chomps down on it.]'' ----- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[chasing Sue as Super Ms. Pac-Man]'' Super Sue, I'll catch you! :''[Sue screams and Ms. Pac-Man chomps her]'' === ''The Pac-Man in the Moon'' [1.10] === :'''Blinky''': Why do I always have to do the dangerous stuff? :'''Sue''': ''[hugs Blinky]'' Would you please do it, for little Sue? :'''Blinky''': And if I don't? :'''Sue''': I'LL CHOMP YOUR FACE OFF! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters chase Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Roses are red... :'''Clyde''': Pac-Man is yella. :'''Pinky''': Lets open wide... :'''Inky''': And chomp on that fella! :''[The Pac-People are running as fast as they can. Pac-Man is in the rear, looking back with worry.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': C'mon, step on it, Pepper! They're right behind us! :''[Ms. Pac is startled and skids to a halt, and Pac-Man crashes into her. They plop to the ground, and now Pac-Man sees that the Ghost-Monsters have surrounded them.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And they're right in front of us, too! :''[The Ghost-Monsters close in and chomp them silly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': Gosh, there ain't no hiding places around here, nowhere. I know. ''[he pulls a door out from his ghost-suit, sets it down, opens it, enters and closes it]'' :'''Pac-Man''': ''[comes up to the door and knocks]'' Knock knock. :'''Inky''': Who's there? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp. :'''Inky''': Chomp who? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp you! ''[opens door]'' :''[Inky screams as Pac-Man chomps him]'' === ''Journey to the Center of PacLand'' [1.11] === :'''Blinky''': Please have mercy on me! :'''Pac-Man''': I'll do better than that - I'll have ''mustard'' on you! [squirts mustard on Blinky and chomps him] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters are digging a tunnel under PacLand to find the power forest, and they come across...]'' :'''Blinky''': Look, roots! :'''Inky''': Oh boy! Lets make some "root" beer! :'''Clyde''': This ain't no time for soda, jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man falls into an underground tunnel dug by the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Its Pac-Man! Get him! :'''Pac-Man''': Well, excuuuuuse me! :''[Pac-Man zips off, and the Ghost-Monsters chase him.]'' :'''Clyde''': Little Pac-Man had to scram... :'''Pinky''': So he would not get whomped. :'''Sue''': But everywhere that Packy ran... :'''Inky''': The Ghost-Monsters chomped and chomped! :''[The Ghost-Monsters overtake Pac-Man, and Clyde gives him a big crunch. Woozy and weak, the chomped Pac-Man wobbles on shaky legs and then falls, splatting to the ground on his belly.]'' :'''Inky''': Ha ha! We got 'im! === ''Invasion of the Pac-Pups'' [1.12] === === ''Sir Chomp-A-Lot'' [1.13] === === ''The Day the Forest Disappeared'' [1.14] === === ''Neander Pac-Man'' [1.15] === :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters confront Neander Pac-Man, who has discovered a power-pellet tree but cannot discover any practical use for the power-pellets.]'' :'''Clyde''': Alright, Neander nut, we got you now! :'''Sue''': Unh, start chomping! :''[The 4 male Cave Ghost-Monsters prepare to chomp on Sue!]'' :'''Sue''': Not ''me'', you fossil brains! We're supposed to chomp Neander Pac-Man! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters back down before chomping her.]'' :'''Inky''': Oh, that makes sense! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Hope you guys don't mind if I make a fast exit! :''[Neander Pac-Man runs for it.]'' :'''Blinky''': Him g-g-gettin' away! :'''Pinky''': Argh, let's get him! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters chase Neander Pac-Man and begin to cut off his escape routes. Clyde ambushes Neander Pac-Man from ahead.]'' :'''Clyde''': Aaargh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Uh oh! Better try this way! :''[Neander Pac-Man stops abruptly and runs the other way, but Pinky ambushes him from behind some rocks.]'' :'''Pinky''': Raawwrgh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Yow! Wrong way! :''[Neander Pac-Man backs away and bumps against the trunk of the power-pellet tree. He is trapped and surrounded by the Cave Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Neander Pac-Man''': HELLLLP! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters pounce on Neander Pac-Man and chomp him. When the crunching is done, Neander Pac-Man stumbles dizzily for a moment before plopping to the ground in a helpless daze.]'' :'''Clyde''': Ha! We show him! :'''Blinky''': Yeah! We make world's first chomp! ''[Laughs.]'' === ''Backpackin' Packy'' [1.16] === === ''The Abominable Pac-Man'' [1.17] === === ''The Bionic Pac-Woman'' [1.18] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh gosh, isn't this exiting Packy? Me in the movies! :'''Pac-Man''': I don't know, Pepper. There's something about ''those guys'' I don't like. === ''Chomp-Out at the O.K. Corral'' [1.19] === :'''Clyde''': Go on Dinky, show that little Pac-pipsqueak who's boss! :'''Dinky''': ''[to Pac-Baby who is drinking his bottle]'' OK, you! I'm going to chomp your baby bones. :'''Pac-Baby''': Goo goo ga goo. Don't count on it. :''[Pac-Baby chomps Dinky]'' :''[Dinky cries as his eyeballs float around]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Come on lets get out of here! ''[He and Ms. Pac-Man grab Pac-Baby and run away]'' :''[Dinky crying, leaving a puddle of tears in the floor]'' :'''Clyde''': Some ghost-monster you are! :'''Sue''': ''[puts a new ghost-suit on Dinky]'' Aw give the kid a chance. :'''Clyde''': Come on fellows. Well make a ghost-monster out of Dinky yet. === ''Once Upon a Chomp'' [1.20] === :''[Pinky has inflated to giant size and surprises Pac-Man and Ms. Pac.]'' :'''Pinky''': Fee Fie Foe Fomp, Pac-Man's gonna get a great big chomp! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man and Ms. Pac are on the run from the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Quick, hide behind that pink curtain! :''[They zip behind the curtain, but it's not a curtain at all - it's the giant Pinky!]'' :'''Pinky''': Duh, looks like it's curtains for you two! :''[Pinky pulls aside the lower portion of his sheet to expose the trapped Pac-People, and Clyde, Inky, Blinky, and Sue pounce on them, chomping away. When the crunching is done, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man stumble dizzily and faint, flopping onto their backs.]'' === ''The Pac-Love Boat'' [1.21] === :'''Inky''': Oh boy, oh boy! Clam chowder! My favorite! ''[a clam in his chowder splashes him in the face with the spoon]'' A wise guy, huh? I'll fix him! ''[he tries to smack the clam with his spoon, but splashes more soup on his face]'' Nya, nya nya! ''[the clam closes it's shell on his tongue]'' '''YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!''' === ''The Great Power-Pellet Robbery'' [1.22] === === ''A Bad Case of the Chomps'' [1.23] === :'''Pac-Man''': I feel much better! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Perhaps you haven't seen the bill. :''[Pac-Man passes out, sobbing on a gurney where a nurse carts him away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (variously)''': ''[singing to the tune of the Toreador Song]'' We'll chomp old Pac-Man, chomp him day and night! You chomp his left side, we'll chomp his right! === ''Goo-Goo at the Zoo'' [1.24] === === ''Nighty Nightmares'' [1.25] === === ''The Pac-Mummy'' [1.26] === :'''Pac-Baby''': Ooh, look, Mama! Big baby wear big diaper! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's no big baby! That's a Pac-Mummy! === ''Christmas Comes to PacLand'' [1.27] === :''[Chasing the Pac-Family]'' :'''Clyde''': Down the hill... :'''Inky''': ...and after that bum. :'''Pinky''': Look out Pac-Man... :'''Sue''': ...cause here we come! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, what'll we do now? Without some power-pellets, those Ghost-Monsters will chomp us for sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue threatens Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Prepare to be chomped, Pac-fink! :'''Sue''': C'mon, fellas, let's chomp him! :'''Sue''': C'mon, let's quit wasting time and chomp on his bones! <hr width=50%> :'''Clyde''': ''[singing]'' Dashing through the snow. :'''Blinky''': O'er the fields we go. :'''Pinky''': In a three-ghost-monster sleigh. :'''Inky''': Chomping all the way. Ho, ho, ho! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Well, you know what I always say - if you can't beat 'em...RUN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': Forget it, Pac-Man. Your clever talk ain't going to get you out of this mess. :'''Pac-Man''': But wait, you don't understand! I'm not doing this for me. Just think of all the millions of deserving children around the world who wont get their Christmas presents, if you open your mouths instead of your hearts. :''[Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue start to cry]'' :'''Clyde''': Ah, what a bunch of humbug. :'''Inky''': Aw! ''[sniffles]'' Give the guy a break, Clyde! :'''Pinky''': Yeah! ''[sobs]'' Think of all the little kids, Clyde! :'''Sue''': And the big kids too, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Alright, already! ''[to Pac-Man]'' Just this once, Pac-Man. But remember, when Christmas is over, we'll be back. :'''Pac-Man''': Aw, thanks. You won't regret this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': ''[Handing out gifts]'' Inky. Pinky. Blinky. Clyde. Sue. :'''Clyde''': Why, I...I don't know what to say. :'''Pac-Baby''': How about "Thank you."? :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Blinky)''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Thank you. :'''Pac-Man''': Aww, don't thank us. Thank Santa Claus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santa''': ''[Skyward in his sleigh]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp! == Cast == * [[w:Marty Ingels|Marty Ingels]] – [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] * [[w:Allan Lurie|Allan Lurie]] – Mezmaron * [[w:Neil Ross|Neil Ross]] – Clyde * [[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] – Sue * [[Peter Cullen]] – Sour Puss * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Chomp Chomp, Morris * [[w:Barry Gordon|Barry Gordon]] – Inky * [[w:Darryl Hickman|Darryl Hickman]] – [[w:Jr. Pac-Man|P.J.]] * [[w:Chuck McCann|Chuck McCann]] – Blinky, Pinky * Barbara Minkus – [[w:Ms. Pac-Man|Ms. Pepper Pac-Man]] * [[w:Lorenzo Music|Lorenzo Music]] – [[w:Super Pac-Man|Super-Pac]] * [[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] – [[w:Baby Pac-Man|Pac-Baby]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0083461|title=Pac-Man}} [[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TV shows about monsters]] [[Category:TV shows about ghosts]] 57k46iagdv6xm24xsfn91bdkwkcdzr6 3944699 3944697 2026-05-24T03:57:45Z ~2026-30907-13 3328559 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3944697|3944697]] by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) 3944699 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pac-Man (TV series)|Pac-Man: The Animated Series]]''''' (1982-1983) is an American animated TV show based on the video game ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' by [[w:Namco|Namco]]. Airing originally on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], it was produced by Hanna-Barbera. It was the first Hanna-Barbera animated series based on a video game. {{tv-stub}} == Season 1 == === ''Presidential Pac-Nappers'' [1.01] === :''[The Ghost-Monsters invade the Yellow House]'' :'''Pac-President''': Uh, what is the meaning of this? :'''Sue''': It's quite simple, Mr. President. You're being pac-napped. :'''Inky''': Yeah, how does that grab you? ''[chomps the Pac-President]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': YIKES! ''[crashes on a trash can]'' Next time I take a ride like that, I'm bringing a parachute! :'''Clyde''': There ain't going to be any next time Pac-Man, cause we're gonna chomp all over you! :''[Ms. Pac-Man arrives]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's what you think, creepos! :'''Sue''': It's Ms. Pac-Man! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[patting Pac-Man's head]'' Are you alright, Packy, darling? :'''Pac-Man''': Well, I was feeling a bit run down, but now that you're here, Pepper, I'm feeling much better! :'''Clyde''': Good! Now, we can chomp ''BOTH'' o' yous! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': I wouldn't be too sure about that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters get into new ghost-suits]'' :'''Pinky''': Hiya, boss. You'll never guess how we messed up this time. :'''Mezmaron''': I don't have to guess. I saw it all – on my PacLand spy satellite. :'''Pinky''': Oh, me on TV? How did I look, Mezmaron? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP! I've been stopped from finding PacLand's hidden Power Forest. Once I control all the Power Pellets, I'll be the master of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're taking you for a little ride! ''[laughs evilly]'' And if you don't tell us were the power forest is, Pinky lets go! :'''Blinky''': Oh, if Pinky lets go, what happens to us? :'''Clyde''': Don't ask dumb questions! === ''Picnic in PacLand'' [1.02] === :'''Inky''': ''[he is cooking pancakes that look like Pac-Man]'' Hey, Clyde, how about a barbecued Pac-Pancake? They look just like Pac-Man. ''[eats one]'' Only they don't taste as good as he does. :'''Clyde''': No thanks. I like chomping on the real thing. ''[a Frisbee flies in his face]'' I said I don't want no pancake! :'''Blinky''': That ain't no pancake Clyde! It's a flying dog set. A slying fog set. It's a... :'''Sue''': You silly jerks. This is a frisbee. === ''The Great Pac-Quake'' [1.03] === :'''Mezmaron''': Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? :'''Clyde''': You're gonna be proud of us, boss. We found the Power Forest for you! :'''Mezmaron''': Where is it? :'''Clyde''': Tell him, Inky! ''[pulls Inky in front of the line]'' :'''Inky''': Uh, tell him, Pinky. ''[pulls Pinky in front of the line]'' :'''Pinky''': Tell him, Blinky. ''[pulls Blinky in front of the line]'' :'''Blinky''': I-I w-w-wasn't watching when they drove the crate in. I thought ''you'' guys were watching. :'''Inky''': I wasn't watching. Were ''you'' watching? :'''Pinky''': Not me. I thought ''you'' were watching. :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP, YOU BLUNDERING FOOLS! Fortunately for you, I've got another plan. And my Computerized Earthquake Device for shaking PacLand into a frenzy. The five of you will sneak into the Pac-Museum and steal the Secret Map of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': ''[Wearing a baseball glove suit]'' Hey, Clyde, how do you like my new suit? Fits me like a glove, huh? :'''Clyde''': That ''IS'' a glove, Inky! :'''Inky''': Oh, so it is. And here, I thought my brains were growing. === ''Hocus Pocus Pac-Man'' [1.04] === :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, no! Pepper's back. If she finds out I lost Pac-Baby, I'm in big trouble. :''[Pac-Man's teeth chatters as Chomp-Chomp the dog starts chewing on Pac-Man's foot]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Don't bother me, Chomp-Chomp! I got to find the baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Did I hear Pac-Baby cough? You didn't let him wander in the yard and catch a cold, did you? :'''Pac-Man''': Of course not, dear. That was me. I sneezed. === ''Southpaw Packy'' [1.05] === :'''Pinky''': Duh, the stadium's just around the bend, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Good! Messin' up PacLand's World Series is gonna be almost as much fun as chompin' Pac-Man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Parking Attendant''': Hey, you can't come in here! No ghosts allowed! :'''Sue''': Inky, show the nice man our special pass! :'''Inky''': It's in here, see? ''[points to his own mouth as he opens it wide; the Parking Attendant leans in, peering down Inky's throat; Inky snaps his jaws shut in a vicious chomp, practically chomping the luckless Pac in half; as he withers and deflates and sags listlessly over the counter of his kiosk, the Ghost-Monsters head into the stadium for more chomping]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sue''': I've got to get out of here before I get caught! ''[runs into Pac-Man's baseball glove]'' :'''Pac-Man''': You just did! ''[throws her to Ms. Pac-Man for the chomp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Come on, Ghost-face! Put one over me! :'''Pinky''': He'll never hit my cyclone-ball. ''[winds up, and throws the ball away from the plate]'' :'''Sue''': Strike one! :'''Pac-Man''': Whaaat?! :'''Sue''': Oh, talking back to the umpire huh? Make that strike two! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Go Packy, GO! === ''Pac-Baby Panic'' [1.06] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's up Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Ahhh! Oh, it's only you, Pepper. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What have you got in the sack, Pac? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh. They're Super-Powered Power Pellet Seeds. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Super-Powered Power Pellet See---?!? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh! If Mezmaron and his Ghost-Monsters ever found these, they could grow their own Super-Powered Power Pellet Forest. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, my! ----- ''[Pac-Man is chased by the Ghost-Monsters into his kitchen, where Ms. Pac is busy washing dishes.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's the rush, Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, we've got company for lunch. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, but there aren't enough power pellets. :'''Pac-Man''': No problem. They don't wanna eat ''with'' us - they just wanna eat ''us''! :'''Clyde''': That's right! And don't bother settin' the table. We're just gonna chomp and run! ''[Clyde chomps Pac-Man, who collapses onto the floor in a helpless lump]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, whoa... I feel dizzy... === ''Pacula'' [1.07] === :'''Mezmaron''': I don't care if you mess things up again. You've been replaced. :''[The Ghost-Monsters start crying]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Stop your blubbering and get into something dry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pacula''': I want to chomp your bones! :'''Blinky''': We ain't got no phones... I mean bones. We're ghosts! Ghosts ain't got no bones! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the form of a bat, Pacula flits into a car between two Pac-teens who are watching a drive-in movie. The boy runs off in terror as Pacula changes to his frightening vampire form, but the girl is so engrossed in the movie that she doesn't notice that it's no longer her boyfriend sitting beside her.]'' :'''Pacula''': Good evening! I want to chomp your bones! :'''Drive-in Girl''': ''[waving him off, oblivious]'' Not now, Frankie! I'm watching the movie! :'''Pacula''': ''[opening mouth eagerly]'' Hiss! :''[The girl peers over nervously and finally sees Pacula.]'' :'''Drive-in Girl''': Eeeeeeeeeek! :''[Pacula cuts off her horrified shriek by snapping his jaws shut in a big chomp, draining her energy and leaving her listless.]'' === ''Trick or Chomp'' [1.08] === :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, trick or treat. :''[Morris puts one power pellet in Pac-Man's sack]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Only one? :'''Morris''': You know, you're right. ''[takes the power pellet back]'' You are a bit old to be trick-or-treating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Pinky)''': ''[singing to the tune of Heigh-Ho]'' Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's off to chomp we go! ''[knock on a door, which Morris answers]'' Trick or chomp! :'''Morris''': Aw, isn't that cute? You kids look just like the Ghost-Monsters. :'''Clyde''': Wrong, pac-dunce. We ''are'' the Ghost-Monsters! :''[The Ghost-Monsters chomp Morris, who falls in a daze]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're gonna chomp, chomp, chomp... :'''Pinky''': On your bones, bones, bones. :'''Inky''': We're gonna laugh "ha-ha"... :'''Sue''': At your groans, groans, groans! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Baby''': Da-da, twick or tweat! :'''Pac-Man''': What? :'''Pac-Baby''': Twick or tweat, Da-da! :'''Pac-Man''': Trick or...? Of course! We can eat the treats! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And give those Ghost-Monsters a trick! === ''Super Ghosts'' [1.09] === :'''Clyde''': Wait a minute, we don't need no power forest. :'''Sue''': Hmm, he's right. Now that were Super Ghosts, we don't need to follow Mezmaron's orders. :''[Mezmaron hears this on his computer screen]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Why, you muteness-little monsters. You better follow my orders, or I'll... :'''Inky''': Ah, shut up, egghead. Who asked you? ----- :''[While chased by the Ghost-Monsters, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man are separated. Pac-Man plops into a water fountain and Ms. Pac-Man is caught and held by Sue.]'' :'''Sue''': Well, Ms. Pac-Man, looks like this time, ''I'm'' the chomp-or and ''you're'' the chompee! :''[Sue chomps Ms. Pac-Man, who faints. Pac-Man reacts to seeing his wife getting chomped.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, yeah? Nobody chomps ''my'' Pepper and gets away with it! :''[Pac-Man rushes forth.]'' :'''Clyde''': Nobody but the Super Ghost-Monsters! :''[Clyde freezes the wet Pac-Man in place with a blast of super cold breath. Inky approaches.]'' :'''Inky''': Ooh, a pac-sicle! :''[Inky grabs Pac-Man's leg and chomps down on it.]'' ----- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[chasing Sue as Super Ms. Pac-Man]'' Super Sue, I'll catch you! :''[Sue screams and Ms. Pac-Man chomps her]'' === ''The Pac-Man in the Moon'' [1.10] === :'''Blinky''': Why do I always have to do the dangerous stuff? :'''Sue''': ''[hugs Blinky]'' Would you please do it, for little Sue? :'''Blinky''': And if I don't? :'''Sue''': I'LL CHOMP YOUR FACE OFF! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters chase Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Roses are red... :'''Clyde''': Pac-Man is yella. :'''Pinky''': Lets open wide... :'''Inky''': And chomp on that fella! :''[The Pac-People are running as fast as they can. Pac-Man is in the rear, looking back with worry.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': C'mon, step on it, Pepper! They're right behind us! :''[Ms. Pac is startled and skids to a halt, and Pac-Man crashes into her. They plop to the ground, and now Pac-Man sees that the Ghost-Monsters have surrounded them.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And they're right in front of us, too! :''[The Ghost-Monsters close in and chomp them silly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': Gosh, there ain't no hiding places around here, nowhere. I know. ''[he pulls a door out from his ghost-suit, sets it down, opens it, enters and closes it]'' :'''Pac-Man''': ''[comes up to the door and knocks]'' Knock knock. :'''Inky''': Who's there? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp. :'''Inky''': Chomp who? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp you! ''[opens door]'' :''[Inky screams as Pac-Man chomps him]'' === ''Journey to the Center of PacLand'' [1.11] === :'''Blinky''': Please have mercy on me! :'''Pac-Man''': I'll do better than that - I'll have ''mustard'' on you! [squirts mustard on Blinky and chomps him] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters are digging a tunnel under PacLand to find the power forest, and they come across...]'' :'''Blinky''': Look, roots! :'''Inky''': Oh boy! Lets make some "root" beer! :'''Clyde''': This ain't no time for soda, jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man falls into an underground tunnel dug by the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Its Pac-Man! Get him! :'''Pac-Man''': Well, excuuuuuse me! :''[Pac-Man zips off, and the Ghost-Monsters chase him.]'' :'''Clyde''': Little Pac-Man had to scram... :'''Pinky''': So he would not get whomped. :'''Sue''': But everywhere that Packy ran... :'''Inky''': The Ghost-Monsters chomped and chomped! :''[The Ghost-Monsters overtake Pac-Man, and Clyde gives him a big crunch. Woozy and weak, the chomped Pac-Man wobbles on shaky legs and then falls, splatting to the ground on his belly.]'' :'''Inky''': Ha ha! We got 'im! === ''Invasion of the Pac-Pups'' [1.12] === === ''Sir Chomp-A-Lot'' [1.13] === === ''The Day the Forest Disappeared'' [1.14] === === ''Neander Pac-Man'' [1.15] === :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters confront Neander Pac-Man, who has discovered a power-pellet tree but cannot discover any practical use for the power-pellets.]'' :'''Clyde''': Alright, Neander nut, we got you now! :'''Sue''': Unh, start chomping! :''[The 4 male Cave Ghost-Monsters prepare to chomp on Sue!]'' :'''Sue''': Not ''me'', you fossil brains! We're supposed to chomp Neander Pac-Man! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters back down before chomping her.]'' :'''Inky''': Oh, that makes sense! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Hope you guys don't mind if I make a fast exit! :''[Neander Pac-Man runs for it.]'' :'''Blinky''': Him g-g-gettin' away! :'''Pinky''': Argh, let's get him! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters chase Neander Pac-Man and begin to cut off his escape routes. Clyde ambushes Neander Pac-Man from ahead.]'' :'''Clyde''': Aaargh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Uh oh! Better try this way! :''[Neander Pac-Man stops abruptly and runs the other way, but Pinky ambushes him from behind some rocks.]'' :'''Pinky''': Raawwrgh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Yow! Wrong way! :''[Neander Pac-Man backs away and bumps against the trunk of the power-pellet tree. He is trapped and surrounded by the Cave Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Neander Pac-Man''': HELLLLP! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters pounce on Neander Pac-Man and chomp him. When the crunching is done, Neander Pac-Man stumbles dizzily for a moment before plopping to the ground in a helpless daze.]'' :'''Clyde''': Ha! We show him! :'''Blinky''': Yeah! We make world's first chomp! ''[Laughs.]'' === ''Backpackin' Packy'' [1.16] === === ''The Abominable Pac-Man'' [1.17] === === ''The Bionic Pac-Woman'' [1.18] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh gosh, isn't this exiting Packy? Me in the movies! :'''Pac-Man''': I don't know, Pepper. There's something about ''those guys'' I don't like. === ''Chomp-Out at the O.K. Corral'' [1.19] === :'''Clyde''': Go on Dinky, show that little Pac-pipsqueak who's boss! :'''Dinky''': ''[to Pac-Baby who is drinking his bottle]'' OK, you! I'm going to chomp your baby bones. :'''Pac-Baby''': Goo goo ga goo. Don't count on it. :''[Pac-Baby chomps Dinky]'' :''[Dinky cries as his eyeballs float around]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Come on lets get out of here! ''[He and Ms. Pac-Man grab Pac-Baby and run away]'' :''[Dinky crying, leaving a puddle of tears in the floor]'' :'''Clyde''': Some ghost-monster you are! :'''Sue''': ''[puts a new ghost-suit on Dinky]'' Aw give the kid a chance. :'''Clyde''': Come on fellows. Well make a ghost-monster out of Dinky yet. === ''Once Upon a Chomp'' [1.20] === :''[Pinky has inflated to giant size and surprises Pac-Man and Ms. Pac.]'' :'''Pinky''': Fee Fie Foe Fomp, Pac-Man's gonna get a great big chomp! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man and Ms. Pac are on the run from the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Quick, hide behind that pink curtain! :''[They zip behind the curtain, but it's not a curtain at all - it's the giant Pinky!]'' :'''Pinky''': Duh, looks like it's curtains for you two! :''[Pinky pulls aside the lower portion of his sheet to expose the trapped Pac-People, and Clyde, Inky, Blinky, and Sue pounce on them, chomping away. When the crunching is done, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man stumble dizzily and faint, flopping onto their backs.]'' === ''The Pac-Love Boat'' [1.21] === :'''Inky''': Oh boy, oh boy! Clam chowder! My favorite! ''[a clam in his chowder splashes him in the face with the spoon]'' A wise guy, huh? I'll fix him! ''[he tries to smack the clam with his spoon, but splashes more soup on his face]'' Nya, nya nya! ''[the clam closes it's shell on his tongue]'' '''YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!''' === ''The Great Power-Pellet Robbery'' [1.22] === === ''A Bad Case of the Chomps'' [1.23] === :'''Pac-Man''': I feel much better! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Perhaps you haven't seen the bill. :''[Pac-Man passes out, sobbing on a gurney where a nurse carts him away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (variously)''': ''[singing to the tune of the Toreador Song]'' We'll chomp old Pac-Man, chomp him day and night! You chomp his left side, we'll chomp his right! === ''Goo-Goo at the Zoo'' [1.24] === === ''Nighty Nightmares'' [1.25] === === ''The Pac-Mummy'' [1.26] === :'''Pac-Baby''': Ooh, look, Mama! Big baby wear big diaper! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's no big baby! That's a Pac-Mummy! === ''Christmas Comes to PacLand'' [1.27] === :''[Chasing the Pac-Family]'' :'''Clyde''': Down the hill... :'''Inky''': ...and after that bum. :'''Pinky''': Look out Pac-Man... :'''Sue''': ...cause here we come! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, what'll we do now? Without some power-pellets, those Ghost-Monsters will chomp us for sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue threatens Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Prepare to be chomped, Pac-fink! :'''Sue''': C'mon, fellas, let's chomp him! :'''Sue''': C'mon, let's quit wasting time and chomp on his bones! <hr width=50%> :'''Clyde''': ''[singing]'' Dashing through the snow. :'''Blinky''': O'er the fields we go. :'''Pinky''': In a three-ghost-monster sleigh. :'''Inky''': Chomping all the way. Ho, ho, ho! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Well, you know what I always say - if you can't beat 'em...RUN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': Forget it, Pac-Man. Your clever talk ain't going to get you out of this mess. :'''Pac-Man''': But wait, you don't understand! I'm not doing this for me. Just think of all the millions of deserving children around the world who wont get their Christmas presents, if you open your mouths instead of your hearts. :''[Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue start to cry]'' :'''Clyde''': Ah, what a bunch of humbug. :'''Inky''': Aw! ''[sniffles]'' Give the guy a break, Clyde! :'''Pinky''': Yeah! ''[sobs]'' Think of all the little kids, Clyde! :'''Sue''': And the big kids too, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Alright, already! ''[to Pac-Man]'' Just this once, Pac-Man. But remember, when Christmas is over, we'll be back. :'''Pac-Man''': Aw, thanks. You won't regret this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': ''[Handing out gifts]'' Inky. Pinky. Blinky. Clyde. Sue. :'''Clyde''': Why, I...I don't know what to say. :'''Pac-Baby''': How about "Thank you."? :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Blinky)''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Thank you. :'''Pac-Man''': Aww, don't thank us. Thank Santa Claus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santa''': ''[Skyward in his sleigh]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp! == Cast == * [[w:Marty Ingels|Marty Ingels]] – [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] * [[w:Allan Lurie|Allan Lurie]] – Mezmaron * [[w:Neil Ross|Neil Ross]] – Clyde * [[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] – Sue * [[Peter Cullen]] – Sour Puss * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Chomp Chomp, Morris * [[w:Barry Gordon|Barry Gordon]] – Inky * [[w:Darryl Hickman|Darryl Hickman]] – [[w:Jr. Pac-Man|P.J.]] * [[w:Chuck McCann|Chuck McCann]] – Blinky, Pinky * Barbara Minkus – [[w:Ms. Pac-Man|Ms. Pepper Pac-Man]] * [[w:Lorenzo Music|Lorenzo Music]] – [[w:Super Pac-Man|Super-Pac]] * [[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] – [[w:Baby Pac-Man|Pac-Baby]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0083461|title=Pac-Man}} [[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TV shows about monsters]] [[Category:TV shows about ghosts]] n7qlno1wtwgs3l5g687k0s2l6z9acyy 3944703 3944699 2026-05-24T04:01:44Z Tithicies32 3328513 LOL 3944703 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pac-Man (TV series)|Pac-Man: The Animated Series]]''''' (1982-1983) is an American animated TV show based on the video game ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' by [[w:Namco|Namco]]. Airing originally on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], it was produced by Hanna-Barbera. It was the first Hanna-Barbera animated series based on a video game. {{tv-stub}} Do you know what would make Pac-Man better? By giving him an actual penis and balls! :) == Season 1 == === ''Presidential Pac-Nappers'' [1.01] === :''[The Ghost-Monsters invade the Yellow House]'' :'''Pac-President''': Uh, what is the meaning of this? :'''Sue''': It's quite simple, Mr. President. You're being pac-napped. :'''Inky''': Yeah, how does that grab you? ''[chomps the Pac-President]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': YIKES! ''[crashes on a trash can]'' Next time I take a ride like that, I'm bringing a parachute! :'''Clyde''': There ain't going to be any next time Pac-Man, cause we're gonna chomp all over you! :''[Ms. Pac-Man arrives]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's what you think, creepos! :'''Sue''': It's Ms. Pac-Man! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[patting Pac-Man's head]'' Are you alright, Packy, darling? :'''Pac-Man''': Well, I was feeling a bit run down, but now that you're here, Pepper, I'm feeling much better! :'''Clyde''': Good! Now, we can chomp ''BOTH'' o' yous! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': I wouldn't be too sure about that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters get into new ghost-suits]'' :'''Pinky''': Hiya, boss. You'll never guess how we messed up this time. :'''Mezmaron''': I don't have to guess. I saw it all – on my PacLand spy satellite. :'''Pinky''': Oh, me on TV? How did I look, Mezmaron? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP! I've been stopped from finding PacLand's hidden Power Forest. Once I control all the Power Pellets, I'll be the master of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're taking you for a little ride! ''[laughs evilly]'' And if you don't tell us were the power forest is, Pinky lets go! :'''Blinky''': Oh, if Pinky lets go, what happens to us? :'''Clyde''': Don't ask dumb questions! === ''Picnic in PacLand'' [1.02] === :'''Inky''': ''[he is cooking pancakes that look like Pac-Man]'' Hey, Clyde, how about a barbecued Pac-Pancake? They look just like Pac-Man. ''[eats one]'' Only they don't taste as good as he does. :'''Clyde''': No thanks. I like chomping on the real thing. ''[a Frisbee flies in his face]'' I said I don't want no pancake! :'''Blinky''': That ain't no pancake Clyde! It's a flying dog set. A slying fog set. It's a... :'''Sue''': You silly jerks. This is a frisbee. === ''The Great Pac-Quake'' [1.03] === :'''Mezmaron''': Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? :'''Clyde''': You're gonna be proud of us, boss. We found the Power Forest for you! :'''Mezmaron''': Where is it? :'''Clyde''': Tell him, Inky! ''[pulls Inky in front of the line]'' :'''Inky''': Uh, tell him, Pinky. ''[pulls Pinky in front of the line]'' :'''Pinky''': Tell him, Blinky. ''[pulls Blinky in front of the line]'' :'''Blinky''': I-I w-w-wasn't watching when they drove the crate in. I thought ''you'' guys were watching. :'''Inky''': I wasn't watching. Were ''you'' watching? :'''Pinky''': Not me. I thought ''you'' were watching. :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP, YOU BLUNDERING FOOLS! Fortunately for you, I've got another plan. And my Computerized Earthquake Device for shaking PacLand into a frenzy. The five of you will sneak into the Pac-Museum and steal the Secret Map of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': ''[Wearing a baseball glove suit]'' Hey, Clyde, how do you like my new suit? Fits me like a glove, huh? :'''Clyde''': That ''IS'' a glove, Inky! :'''Inky''': Oh, so it is. And here, I thought my brains were growing. === ''Hocus Pocus Pac-Man'' [1.04] === :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, no! Pepper's back. If she finds out I lost Pac-Baby, I'm in big trouble. :''[Pac-Man's teeth chatters as Chomp-Chomp the dog starts chewing on Pac-Man's foot]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Don't bother me, Chomp-Chomp! I got to find the baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Did I hear Pac-Baby cough? You didn't let him wander in the yard and catch a cold, did you? :'''Pac-Man''': Of course not, dear. That was me. I sneezed. === ''Southpaw Packy'' [1.05] === :'''Pinky''': Duh, the stadium's just around the bend, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Good! Messin' up PacLand's World Series is gonna be almost as much fun as chompin' Pac-Man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Parking Attendant''': Hey, you can't come in here! No ghosts allowed! :'''Sue''': Inky, show the nice man our special pass! :'''Inky''': It's in here, see? ''[points to his own mouth as he opens it wide; the Parking Attendant leans in, peering down Inky's throat; Inky snaps his jaws shut in a vicious chomp, practically chomping the luckless Pac in half; as he withers and deflates and sags listlessly over the counter of his kiosk, the Ghost-Monsters head into the stadium for more chomping]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sue''': I've got to get out of here before I get caught! ''[runs into Pac-Man's baseball glove]'' :'''Pac-Man''': You just did! ''[throws her to Ms. Pac-Man for the chomp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Come on, Ghost-face! Put one over me! :'''Pinky''': He'll never hit my cyclone-ball. ''[winds up, and throws the ball away from the plate]'' :'''Sue''': Strike one! :'''Pac-Man''': Whaaat?! :'''Sue''': Oh, talking back to the umpire huh? Make that strike two! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Go Packy, GO! === ''Pac-Baby Panic'' [1.06] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's up Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Ahhh! Oh, it's only you, Pepper. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What have you got in the sack, Pac? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh. They're Super-Powered Power Pellet Seeds. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Super-Powered Power Pellet See---?!? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh! If Mezmaron and his Ghost-Monsters ever found these, they could grow their own Super-Powered Power Pellet Forest. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, my! ----- ''[Pac-Man is chased by the Ghost-Monsters into his kitchen, where Ms. Pac is busy washing dishes.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's the rush, Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, we've got company for lunch. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, but there aren't enough power pellets. :'''Pac-Man''': No problem. They don't wanna eat ''with'' us - they just wanna eat ''us''! :'''Clyde''': That's right! And don't bother settin' the table. We're just gonna chomp and run! ''[Clyde chomps Pac-Man, who collapses onto the floor in a helpless lump]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, whoa... I feel dizzy... === ''Pacula'' [1.07] === :'''Mezmaron''': I don't care if you mess things up again. You've been replaced. :''[The Ghost-Monsters start crying]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Stop your blubbering and get into something dry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pacula''': I want to chomp your bones! :'''Blinky''': We ain't got no phones... I mean bones. We're ghosts! Ghosts ain't got no bones! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the form of a bat, Pacula flits into a car between two Pac-teens who are watching a drive-in movie. The boy runs off in terror as Pacula changes to his frightening vampire form, but the girl is so engrossed in the movie that she doesn't notice that it's no longer her boyfriend sitting beside her.]'' :'''Pacula''': Good evening! I want to chomp your bones! :'''Drive-in Girl''': ''[waving him off, oblivious]'' Not now, Frankie! I'm watching the movie! :'''Pacula''': ''[opening mouth eagerly]'' Hiss! :''[The girl peers over nervously and finally sees Pacula.]'' :'''Drive-in Girl''': Eeeeeeeeeek! :''[Pacula cuts off her horrified shriek by snapping his jaws shut in a big chomp, draining her energy and leaving her listless.]'' === ''Trick or Chomp'' [1.08] === :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, trick or treat. :''[Morris puts one power pellet in Pac-Man's sack]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Only one? :'''Morris''': You know, you're right. ''[takes the power pellet back]'' You are a bit old to be trick-or-treating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Pinky)''': ''[singing to the tune of Heigh-Ho]'' Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's off to chomp we go! ''[knock on a door, which Morris answers]'' Trick or chomp! :'''Morris''': Aw, isn't that cute? You kids look just like the Ghost-Monsters. :'''Clyde''': Wrong, pac-dunce. We ''are'' the Ghost-Monsters! :''[The Ghost-Monsters chomp Morris, who falls in a daze]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're gonna chomp, chomp, chomp... :'''Pinky''': On your bones, bones, bones. :'''Inky''': We're gonna laugh "ha-ha"... :'''Sue''': At your groans, groans, groans! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Baby''': Da-da, twick or tweat! :'''Pac-Man''': What? :'''Pac-Baby''': Twick or tweat, Da-da! :'''Pac-Man''': Trick or...? Of course! We can eat the treats! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And give those Ghost-Monsters a trick! === ''Super Ghosts'' [1.09] === :'''Clyde''': Wait a minute, we don't need no power forest. :'''Sue''': Hmm, he's right. Now that were Super Ghosts, we don't need to follow Mezmaron's orders. :''[Mezmaron hears this on his computer screen]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Why, you muteness-little monsters. You better follow my orders, or I'll... :'''Inky''': Ah, shut up, egghead. Who asked you? ----- :''[While chased by the Ghost-Monsters, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man are separated. Pac-Man plops into a water fountain and Ms. Pac-Man is caught and held by Sue.]'' :'''Sue''': Well, Ms. Pac-Man, looks like this time, ''I'm'' the chomp-or and ''you're'' the chompee! :''[Sue chomps Ms. Pac-Man, who faints. Pac-Man reacts to seeing his wife getting chomped.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, yeah? Nobody chomps ''my'' Pepper and gets away with it! :''[Pac-Man rushes forth.]'' :'''Clyde''': Nobody but the Super Ghost-Monsters! :''[Clyde freezes the wet Pac-Man in place with a blast of super cold breath. Inky approaches.]'' :'''Inky''': Ooh, a pac-sicle! :''[Inky grabs Pac-Man's leg and chomps down on it.]'' ----- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[chasing Sue as Super Ms. Pac-Man]'' Super Sue, I'll catch you! :''[Sue screams and Ms. Pac-Man chomps her]'' === ''The Pac-Man in the Moon'' [1.10] === :'''Blinky''': Why do I always have to do the dangerous stuff? :'''Sue''': ''[hugs Blinky]'' Would you please do it, for little Sue? :'''Blinky''': And if I don't? :'''Sue''': I'LL CHOMP YOUR FACE OFF! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters chase Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Roses are red... :'''Clyde''': Pac-Man is yella. :'''Pinky''': Lets open wide... :'''Inky''': And chomp on that fella! :''[The Pac-People are running as fast as they can. Pac-Man is in the rear, looking back with worry.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': C'mon, step on it, Pepper! They're right behind us! :''[Ms. Pac is startled and skids to a halt, and Pac-Man crashes into her. They plop to the ground, and now Pac-Man sees that the Ghost-Monsters have surrounded them.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And they're right in front of us, too! :''[The Ghost-Monsters close in and chomp them silly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': Gosh, there ain't no hiding places around here, nowhere. I know. ''[he pulls a door out from his ghost-suit, sets it down, opens it, enters and closes it]'' :'''Pac-Man''': ''[comes up to the door and knocks]'' Knock knock. :'''Inky''': Who's there? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp. :'''Inky''': Chomp who? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp you! ''[opens door]'' :''[Inky screams as Pac-Man chomps him]'' === ''Journey to the Center of PacLand'' [1.11] === :'''Blinky''': Please have mercy on me! :'''Pac-Man''': I'll do better than that - I'll have ''mustard'' on you! [squirts mustard on Blinky and chomps him] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters are digging a tunnel under PacLand to find the power forest, and they come across...]'' :'''Blinky''': Look, roots! :'''Inky''': Oh boy! Lets make some "root" beer! :'''Clyde''': This ain't no time for soda, jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man falls into an underground tunnel dug by the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Its Pac-Man! Get him! :'''Pac-Man''': Well, excuuuuuse me! :''[Pac-Man zips off, and the Ghost-Monsters chase him.]'' :'''Clyde''': Little Pac-Man had to scram... :'''Pinky''': So he would not get whomped. :'''Sue''': But everywhere that Packy ran... :'''Inky''': The Ghost-Monsters chomped and chomped! :''[The Ghost-Monsters overtake Pac-Man, and Clyde gives him a big crunch. Woozy and weak, the chomped Pac-Man wobbles on shaky legs and then falls, splatting to the ground on his belly.]'' :'''Inky''': Ha ha! We got 'im! === ''Invasion of the Pac-Pups'' [1.12] === === ''Sir Chomp-A-Lot'' [1.13] === === ''The Day the Forest Disappeared'' [1.14] === === ''Neander Pac-Man'' [1.15] === :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters confront Neander Pac-Man, who has discovered a power-pellet tree but cannot discover any practical use for the power-pellets.]'' :'''Clyde''': Alright, Neander nut, we got you now! :'''Sue''': Unh, start chomping! :''[The 4 male Cave Ghost-Monsters prepare to chomp on Sue!]'' :'''Sue''': Not ''me'', you fossil brains! We're supposed to chomp Neander Pac-Man! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters back down before chomping her.]'' :'''Inky''': Oh, that makes sense! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Hope you guys don't mind if I make a fast exit! :''[Neander Pac-Man runs for it.]'' :'''Blinky''': Him g-g-gettin' away! :'''Pinky''': Argh, let's get him! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters chase Neander Pac-Man and begin to cut off his escape routes. Clyde ambushes Neander Pac-Man from ahead.]'' :'''Clyde''': Aaargh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Uh oh! Better try this way! :''[Neander Pac-Man stops abruptly and runs the other way, but Pinky ambushes him from behind some rocks.]'' :'''Pinky''': Raawwrgh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Yow! Wrong way! :''[Neander Pac-Man backs away and bumps against the trunk of the power-pellet tree. He is trapped and surrounded by the Cave Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Neander Pac-Man''': HELLLLP! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters pounce on Neander Pac-Man and chomp him. When the crunching is done, Neander Pac-Man stumbles dizzily for a moment before plopping to the ground in a helpless daze.]'' :'''Clyde''': Ha! We show him! :'''Blinky''': Yeah! We make world's first chomp! ''[Laughs.]'' === ''Backpackin' Packy'' [1.16] === === ''The Abominable Pac-Man'' [1.17] === === ''The Bionic Pac-Woman'' [1.18] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh gosh, isn't this exiting Packy? Me in the movies! :'''Pac-Man''': I don't know, Pepper. There's something about ''those guys'' I don't like. === ''Chomp-Out at the O.K. Corral'' [1.19] === :'''Clyde''': Go on Dinky, show that little Pac-pipsqueak who's boss! :'''Dinky''': ''[to Pac-Baby who is drinking his bottle]'' OK, you! I'm going to chomp your baby bones. :'''Pac-Baby''': Goo goo ga goo. Don't count on it. :''[Pac-Baby chomps Dinky]'' :''[Dinky cries as his eyeballs float around]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Come on lets get out of here! ''[He and Ms. Pac-Man grab Pac-Baby and run away]'' :''[Dinky crying, leaving a puddle of tears in the floor]'' :'''Clyde''': Some ghost-monster you are! :'''Sue''': ''[puts a new ghost-suit on Dinky]'' Aw give the kid a chance. :'''Clyde''': Come on fellows. Well make a ghost-monster out of Dinky yet. === ''Once Upon a Chomp'' [1.20] === :''[Pinky has inflated to giant size and surprises Pac-Man and Ms. Pac.]'' :'''Pinky''': Fee Fie Foe Fomp, Pac-Man's gonna get a great big chomp! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man and Ms. Pac are on the run from the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Quick, hide behind that pink curtain! :''[They zip behind the curtain, but it's not a curtain at all - it's the giant Pinky!]'' :'''Pinky''': Duh, looks like it's curtains for you two! :''[Pinky pulls aside the lower portion of his sheet to expose the trapped Pac-People, and Clyde, Inky, Blinky, and Sue pounce on them, chomping away. When the crunching is done, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man stumble dizzily and faint, flopping onto their backs.]'' === ''The Pac-Love Boat'' [1.21] === :'''Inky''': Oh boy, oh boy! Clam chowder! My favorite! ''[a clam in his chowder splashes him in the face with the spoon]'' A wise guy, huh? I'll fix him! ''[he tries to smack the clam with his spoon, but splashes more soup on his face]'' Nya, nya nya! ''[the clam closes it's shell on his tongue]'' '''YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!''' === ''The Great Power-Pellet Robbery'' [1.22] === === ''A Bad Case of the Chomps'' [1.23] === :'''Pac-Man''': I feel much better! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Perhaps you haven't seen the bill. :''[Pac-Man passes out, sobbing on a gurney where a nurse carts him away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (variously)''': ''[singing to the tune of the Toreador Song]'' We'll chomp old Pac-Man, chomp him day and night! You chomp his left side, we'll chomp his right! === ''Goo-Goo at the Zoo'' [1.24] === === ''Nighty Nightmares'' [1.25] === === ''The Pac-Mummy'' [1.26] === :'''Pac-Baby''': Ooh, look, Mama! Big baby wear big diaper! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's no big baby! That's a Pac-Mummy! === ''Christmas Comes to PacLand'' [1.27] === :''[Chasing the Pac-Family]'' :'''Clyde''': Down the hill... :'''Inky''': ...and after that bum. :'''Pinky''': Look out Pac-Man... :'''Sue''': ...cause here we come! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, what'll we do now? Without some power-pellets, those Ghost-Monsters will chomp us for sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue threatens Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Prepare to be chomped, Pac-fink! :'''Sue''': C'mon, fellas, let's chomp him! :'''Sue''': C'mon, let's quit wasting time and chomp on his bones! <hr width=50%> :'''Clyde''': ''[singing]'' Dashing through the snow. :'''Blinky''': O'er the fields we go. :'''Pinky''': In a three-ghost-monster sleigh. :'''Inky''': Chomping all the way. Ho, ho, ho! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Well, you know what I always say - if you can't beat 'em...RUN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': Forget it, Pac-Man. Your clever talk ain't going to get you out of this mess. :'''Pac-Man''': But wait, you don't understand! I'm not doing this for me. Just think of all the millions of deserving children around the world who wont get their Christmas presents, if you open your mouths instead of your hearts. :''[Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue start to cry]'' :'''Clyde''': Ah, what a bunch of humbug. :'''Inky''': Aw! ''[sniffles]'' Give the guy a break, Clyde! :'''Pinky''': Yeah! ''[sobs]'' Think of all the little kids, Clyde! :'''Sue''': And the big kids too, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Alright, already! ''[to Pac-Man]'' Just this once, Pac-Man. But remember, when Christmas is over, we'll be back. :'''Pac-Man''': Aw, thanks. You won't regret this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': ''[Handing out gifts]'' Inky. Pinky. Blinky. Clyde. Sue. :'''Clyde''': Why, I...I don't know what to say. :'''Pac-Baby''': How about "Thank you."? :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Blinky)''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Thank you. :'''Pac-Man''': Aww, don't thank us. Thank Santa Claus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santa''': ''[Skyward in his sleigh]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp! == Cast == * [[w:Marty Ingels|Marty Ingels]] – [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] * [[w:Allan Lurie|Allan Lurie]] – Mezmaron * [[w:Neil Ross|Neil Ross]] – Clyde * [[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] – Sue * [[Peter Cullen]] – Sour Puss * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Chomp Chomp, Morris * [[w:Barry Gordon|Barry Gordon]] – Inky * [[w:Darryl Hickman|Darryl Hickman]] – [[w:Jr. Pac-Man|P.J.]] * [[w:Chuck McCann|Chuck McCann]] – Blinky, Pinky * Barbara Minkus – [[w:Ms. Pac-Man|Ms. Pepper Pac-Man]] * [[w:Lorenzo Music|Lorenzo Music]] – [[w:Super Pac-Man|Super-Pac]] * [[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] – [[w:Baby Pac-Man|Pac-Baby]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0083461|title=Pac-Man}} [[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TV shows about monsters]] [[Category:TV shows about ghosts]] 57k46iagdv6xm24xsfn91bdkwkcdzr6 3944706 3944703 2026-05-24T04:05:02Z Apparition11 55214 Reverted 1 edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal) 3944706 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pac-Man (TV series)|Pac-Man: The Animated Series]]''''' (1982-1983) is an American animated TV show based on the video game ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' by [[w:Namco|Namco]]. Airing originally on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], it was produced by Hanna-Barbera. It was the first Hanna-Barbera animated series based on a video game. {{tv-stub}} == Season 1 == === ''Presidential Pac-Nappers'' [1.01] === :''[The Ghost-Monsters invade the Yellow House]'' :'''Pac-President''': Uh, what is the meaning of this? :'''Sue''': It's quite simple, Mr. President. You're being pac-napped. :'''Inky''': Yeah, how does that grab you? ''[chomps the Pac-President]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': YIKES! ''[crashes on a trash can]'' Next time I take a ride like that, I'm bringing a parachute! :'''Clyde''': There ain't going to be any next time Pac-Man, cause we're gonna chomp all over you! :''[Ms. Pac-Man arrives]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's what you think, creepos! :'''Sue''': It's Ms. Pac-Man! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[patting Pac-Man's head]'' Are you alright, Packy, darling? :'''Pac-Man''': Well, I was feeling a bit run down, but now that you're here, Pepper, I'm feeling much better! :'''Clyde''': Good! Now, we can chomp ''BOTH'' o' yous! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': I wouldn't be too sure about that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters get into new ghost-suits]'' :'''Pinky''': Hiya, boss. You'll never guess how we messed up this time. :'''Mezmaron''': I don't have to guess. I saw it all – on my PacLand spy satellite. :'''Pinky''': Oh, me on TV? How did I look, Mezmaron? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP! I've been stopped from finding PacLand's hidden Power Forest. Once I control all the Power Pellets, I'll be the master of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're taking you for a little ride! ''[laughs evilly]'' And if you don't tell us were the power forest is, Pinky lets go! :'''Blinky''': Oh, if Pinky lets go, what happens to us? :'''Clyde''': Don't ask dumb questions! === ''Picnic in PacLand'' [1.02] === :'''Inky''': ''[he is cooking pancakes that look like Pac-Man]'' Hey, Clyde, how about a barbecued Pac-Pancake? They look just like Pac-Man. ''[eats one]'' Only they don't taste as good as he does. :'''Clyde''': No thanks. I like chomping on the real thing. ''[a Frisbee flies in his face]'' I said I don't want no pancake! :'''Blinky''': That ain't no pancake Clyde! It's a flying dog set. A slying fog set. It's a... :'''Sue''': You silly jerks. This is a frisbee. === ''The Great Pac-Quake'' [1.03] === :'''Mezmaron''': Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? :'''Clyde''': You're gonna be proud of us, boss. We found the Power Forest for you! :'''Mezmaron''': Where is it? :'''Clyde''': Tell him, Inky! ''[pulls Inky in front of the line]'' :'''Inky''': Uh, tell him, Pinky. ''[pulls Pinky in front of the line]'' :'''Pinky''': Tell him, Blinky. ''[pulls Blinky in front of the line]'' :'''Blinky''': I-I w-w-wasn't watching when they drove the crate in. I thought ''you'' guys were watching. :'''Inky''': I wasn't watching. Were ''you'' watching? :'''Pinky''': Not me. I thought ''you'' were watching. :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP, YOU BLUNDERING FOOLS! Fortunately for you, I've got another plan. And my Computerized Earthquake Device for shaking PacLand into a frenzy. The five of you will sneak into the Pac-Museum and steal the Secret Map of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': ''[Wearing a baseball glove suit]'' Hey, Clyde, how do you like my new suit? Fits me like a glove, huh? :'''Clyde''': That ''IS'' a glove, Inky! :'''Inky''': Oh, so it is. And here, I thought my brains were growing. === ''Hocus Pocus Pac-Man'' [1.04] === :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, no! Pepper's back. If she finds out I lost Pac-Baby, I'm in big trouble. :''[Pac-Man's teeth chatters as Chomp-Chomp the dog starts chewing on Pac-Man's foot]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Don't bother me, Chomp-Chomp! I got to find the baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Did I hear Pac-Baby cough? You didn't let him wander in the yard and catch a cold, did you? :'''Pac-Man''': Of course not, dear. That was me. I sneezed. === ''Southpaw Packy'' [1.05] === :'''Pinky''': Duh, the stadium's just around the bend, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Good! Messin' up PacLand's World Series is gonna be almost as much fun as chompin' Pac-Man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Parking Attendant''': Hey, you can't come in here! No ghosts allowed! :'''Sue''': Inky, show the nice man our special pass! :'''Inky''': It's in here, see? ''[points to his own mouth as he opens it wide; the Parking Attendant leans in, peering down Inky's throat; Inky snaps his jaws shut in a vicious chomp, practically chomping the luckless Pac in half; as he withers and deflates and sags listlessly over the counter of his kiosk, the Ghost-Monsters head into the stadium for more chomping]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sue''': I've got to get out of here before I get caught! ''[runs into Pac-Man's baseball glove]'' :'''Pac-Man''': You just did! ''[throws her to Ms. Pac-Man for the chomp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Come on, Ghost-face! Put one over me! :'''Pinky''': He'll never hit my cyclone-ball. ''[winds up, and throws the ball away from the plate]'' :'''Sue''': Strike one! :'''Pac-Man''': Whaaat?! :'''Sue''': Oh, talking back to the umpire huh? Make that strike two! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Go Packy, GO! === ''Pac-Baby Panic'' [1.06] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's up Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Ahhh! Oh, it's only you, Pepper. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What have you got in the sack, Pac? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh. They're Super-Powered Power Pellet Seeds. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Super-Powered Power Pellet See---?!? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh! If Mezmaron and his Ghost-Monsters ever found these, they could grow their own Super-Powered Power Pellet Forest. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, my! ----- ''[Pac-Man is chased by the Ghost-Monsters into his kitchen, where Ms. Pac is busy washing dishes.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's the rush, Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, we've got company for lunch. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, but there aren't enough power pellets. :'''Pac-Man''': No problem. They don't wanna eat ''with'' us - they just wanna eat ''us''! :'''Clyde''': That's right! And don't bother settin' the table. We're just gonna chomp and run! ''[Clyde chomps Pac-Man, who collapses onto the floor in a helpless lump]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, whoa... I feel dizzy... === ''Pacula'' [1.07] === :'''Mezmaron''': I don't care if you mess things up again. You've been replaced. :''[The Ghost-Monsters start crying]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Stop your blubbering and get into something dry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pacula''': I want to chomp your bones! :'''Blinky''': We ain't got no phones... I mean bones. We're ghosts! Ghosts ain't got no bones! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the form of a bat, Pacula flits into a car between two Pac-teens who are watching a drive-in movie. The boy runs off in terror as Pacula changes to his frightening vampire form, but the girl is so engrossed in the movie that she doesn't notice that it's no longer her boyfriend sitting beside her.]'' :'''Pacula''': Good evening! I want to chomp your bones! :'''Drive-in Girl''': ''[waving him off, oblivious]'' Not now, Frankie! I'm watching the movie! :'''Pacula''': ''[opening mouth eagerly]'' Hiss! :''[The girl peers over nervously and finally sees Pacula.]'' :'''Drive-in Girl''': Eeeeeeeeeek! :''[Pacula cuts off her horrified shriek by snapping his jaws shut in a big chomp, draining her energy and leaving her listless.]'' === ''Trick or Chomp'' [1.08] === :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, trick or treat. :''[Morris puts one power pellet in Pac-Man's sack]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Only one? :'''Morris''': You know, you're right. ''[takes the power pellet back]'' You are a bit old to be trick-or-treating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Pinky)''': ''[singing to the tune of Heigh-Ho]'' Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's off to chomp we go! ''[knock on a door, which Morris answers]'' Trick or chomp! :'''Morris''': Aw, isn't that cute? You kids look just like the Ghost-Monsters. :'''Clyde''': Wrong, pac-dunce. We ''are'' the Ghost-Monsters! :''[The Ghost-Monsters chomp Morris, who falls in a daze]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're gonna chomp, chomp, chomp... :'''Pinky''': On your bones, bones, bones. :'''Inky''': We're gonna laugh "ha-ha"... :'''Sue''': At your groans, groans, groans! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Baby''': Da-da, twick or tweat! :'''Pac-Man''': What? :'''Pac-Baby''': Twick or tweat, Da-da! :'''Pac-Man''': Trick or...? Of course! We can eat the treats! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And give those Ghost-Monsters a trick! === ''Super Ghosts'' [1.09] === :'''Clyde''': Wait a minute, we don't need no power forest. :'''Sue''': Hmm, he's right. Now that were Super Ghosts, we don't need to follow Mezmaron's orders. :''[Mezmaron hears this on his computer screen]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Why, you muteness-little monsters. You better follow my orders, or I'll... :'''Inky''': Ah, shut up, egghead. Who asked you? ----- :''[While chased by the Ghost-Monsters, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man are separated. Pac-Man plops into a water fountain and Ms. Pac-Man is caught and held by Sue.]'' :'''Sue''': Well, Ms. Pac-Man, looks like this time, ''I'm'' the chomp-or and ''you're'' the chompee! :''[Sue chomps Ms. Pac-Man, who faints. Pac-Man reacts to seeing his wife getting chomped.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, yeah? Nobody chomps ''my'' Pepper and gets away with it! :''[Pac-Man rushes forth.]'' :'''Clyde''': Nobody but the Super Ghost-Monsters! :''[Clyde freezes the wet Pac-Man in place with a blast of super cold breath. Inky approaches.]'' :'''Inky''': Ooh, a pac-sicle! :''[Inky grabs Pac-Man's leg and chomps down on it.]'' ----- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[chasing Sue as Super Ms. Pac-Man]'' Super Sue, I'll catch you! :''[Sue screams and Ms. Pac-Man chomps her]'' === ''The Pac-Man in the Moon'' [1.10] === :'''Blinky''': Why do I always have to do the dangerous stuff? :'''Sue''': ''[hugs Blinky]'' Would you please do it, for little Sue? :'''Blinky''': And if I don't? :'''Sue''': I'LL CHOMP YOUR FACE OFF! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters chase Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Roses are red... :'''Clyde''': Pac-Man is yella. :'''Pinky''': Lets open wide... :'''Inky''': And chomp on that fella! :''[The Pac-People are running as fast as they can. Pac-Man is in the rear, looking back with worry.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': C'mon, step on it, Pepper! They're right behind us! :''[Ms. Pac is startled and skids to a halt, and Pac-Man crashes into her. They plop to the ground, and now Pac-Man sees that the Ghost-Monsters have surrounded them.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And they're right in front of us, too! :''[The Ghost-Monsters close in and chomp them silly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': Gosh, there ain't no hiding places around here, nowhere. I know. ''[he pulls a door out from his ghost-suit, sets it down, opens it, enters and closes it]'' :'''Pac-Man''': ''[comes up to the door and knocks]'' Knock knock. :'''Inky''': Who's there? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp. :'''Inky''': Chomp who? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp you! ''[opens door]'' :''[Inky screams as Pac-Man chomps him]'' === ''Journey to the Center of PacLand'' [1.11] === :'''Blinky''': Please have mercy on me! :'''Pac-Man''': I'll do better than that - I'll have ''mustard'' on you! [squirts mustard on Blinky and chomps him] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters are digging a tunnel under PacLand to find the power forest, and they come across...]'' :'''Blinky''': Look, roots! :'''Inky''': Oh boy! Lets make some "root" beer! :'''Clyde''': This ain't no time for soda, jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man falls into an underground tunnel dug by the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Its Pac-Man! Get him! :'''Pac-Man''': Well, excuuuuuse me! :''[Pac-Man zips off, and the Ghost-Monsters chase him.]'' :'''Clyde''': Little Pac-Man had to scram... :'''Pinky''': So he would not get whomped. :'''Sue''': But everywhere that Packy ran... :'''Inky''': The Ghost-Monsters chomped and chomped! :''[The Ghost-Monsters overtake Pac-Man, and Clyde gives him a big crunch. Woozy and weak, the chomped Pac-Man wobbles on shaky legs and then falls, splatting to the ground on his belly.]'' :'''Inky''': Ha ha! We got 'im! === ''Invasion of the Pac-Pups'' [1.12] === === ''Sir Chomp-A-Lot'' [1.13] === === ''The Day the Forest Disappeared'' [1.14] === === ''Neander Pac-Man'' [1.15] === :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters confront Neander Pac-Man, who has discovered a power-pellet tree but cannot discover any practical use for the power-pellets.]'' :'''Clyde''': Alright, Neander nut, we got you now! :'''Sue''': Unh, start chomping! :''[The 4 male Cave Ghost-Monsters prepare to chomp on Sue!]'' :'''Sue''': Not ''me'', you fossil brains! We're supposed to chomp Neander Pac-Man! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters back down before chomping her.]'' :'''Inky''': Oh, that makes sense! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Hope you guys don't mind if I make a fast exit! :''[Neander Pac-Man runs for it.]'' :'''Blinky''': Him g-g-gettin' away! :'''Pinky''': Argh, let's get him! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters chase Neander Pac-Man and begin to cut off his escape routes. Clyde ambushes Neander Pac-Man from ahead.]'' :'''Clyde''': Aaargh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Uh oh! Better try this way! :''[Neander Pac-Man stops abruptly and runs the other way, but Pinky ambushes him from behind some rocks.]'' :'''Pinky''': Raawwrgh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Yow! Wrong way! :''[Neander Pac-Man backs away and bumps against the trunk of the power-pellet tree. He is trapped and surrounded by the Cave Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Neander Pac-Man''': HELLLLP! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters pounce on Neander Pac-Man and chomp him. When the crunching is done, Neander Pac-Man stumbles dizzily for a moment before plopping to the ground in a helpless daze.]'' :'''Clyde''': Ha! We show him! :'''Blinky''': Yeah! We make world's first chomp! ''[Laughs.]'' === ''Backpackin' Packy'' [1.16] === === ''The Abominable Pac-Man'' [1.17] === === ''The Bionic Pac-Woman'' [1.18] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh gosh, isn't this exiting Packy? Me in the movies! :'''Pac-Man''': I don't know, Pepper. There's something about ''those guys'' I don't like. === ''Chomp-Out at the O.K. Corral'' [1.19] === :'''Clyde''': Go on Dinky, show that little Pac-pipsqueak who's boss! :'''Dinky''': ''[to Pac-Baby who is drinking his bottle]'' OK, you! I'm going to chomp your baby bones. :'''Pac-Baby''': Goo goo ga goo. Don't count on it. :''[Pac-Baby chomps Dinky]'' :''[Dinky cries as his eyeballs float around]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Come on lets get out of here! ''[He and Ms. Pac-Man grab Pac-Baby and run away]'' :''[Dinky crying, leaving a puddle of tears in the floor]'' :'''Clyde''': Some ghost-monster you are! :'''Sue''': ''[puts a new ghost-suit on Dinky]'' Aw give the kid a chance. :'''Clyde''': Come on fellows. Well make a ghost-monster out of Dinky yet. === ''Once Upon a Chomp'' [1.20] === :''[Pinky has inflated to giant size and surprises Pac-Man and Ms. Pac.]'' :'''Pinky''': Fee Fie Foe Fomp, Pac-Man's gonna get a great big chomp! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man and Ms. Pac are on the run from the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Quick, hide behind that pink curtain! :''[They zip behind the curtain, but it's not a curtain at all - it's the giant Pinky!]'' :'''Pinky''': Duh, looks like it's curtains for you two! :''[Pinky pulls aside the lower portion of his sheet to expose the trapped Pac-People, and Clyde, Inky, Blinky, and Sue pounce on them, chomping away. When the crunching is done, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man stumble dizzily and faint, flopping onto their backs.]'' === ''The Pac-Love Boat'' [1.21] === :'''Inky''': Oh boy, oh boy! Clam chowder! My favorite! ''[a clam in his chowder splashes him in the face with the spoon]'' A wise guy, huh? I'll fix him! ''[he tries to smack the clam with his spoon, but splashes more soup on his face]'' Nya, nya nya! ''[the clam closes it's shell on his tongue]'' '''YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!''' === ''The Great Power-Pellet Robbery'' [1.22] === === ''A Bad Case of the Chomps'' [1.23] === :'''Pac-Man''': I feel much better! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Perhaps you haven't seen the bill. :''[Pac-Man passes out, sobbing on a gurney where a nurse carts him away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (variously)''': ''[singing to the tune of the Toreador Song]'' We'll chomp old Pac-Man, chomp him day and night! You chomp his left side, we'll chomp his right! === ''Goo-Goo at the Zoo'' [1.24] === === ''Nighty Nightmares'' [1.25] === === ''The Pac-Mummy'' [1.26] === :'''Pac-Baby''': Ooh, look, Mama! Big baby wear big diaper! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's no big baby! That's a Pac-Mummy! === ''Christmas Comes to PacLand'' [1.27] === :''[Chasing the Pac-Family]'' :'''Clyde''': Down the hill... :'''Inky''': ...and after that bum. :'''Pinky''': Look out Pac-Man... :'''Sue''': ...cause here we come! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, what'll we do now? Without some power-pellets, those Ghost-Monsters will chomp us for sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue threatens Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Prepare to be chomped, Pac-fink! :'''Sue''': C'mon, fellas, let's chomp him! :'''Sue''': C'mon, let's quit wasting time and chomp on his bones! <hr width=50%> :'''Clyde''': ''[singing]'' Dashing through the snow. :'''Blinky''': O'er the fields we go. :'''Pinky''': In a three-ghost-monster sleigh. :'''Inky''': Chomping all the way. Ho, ho, ho! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Well, you know what I always say - if you can't beat 'em...RUN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': Forget it, Pac-Man. Your clever talk ain't going to get you out of this mess. :'''Pac-Man''': But wait, you don't understand! I'm not doing this for me. Just think of all the millions of deserving children around the world who wont get their Christmas presents, if you open your mouths instead of your hearts. :''[Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue start to cry]'' :'''Clyde''': Ah, what a bunch of humbug. :'''Inky''': Aw! ''[sniffles]'' Give the guy a break, Clyde! :'''Pinky''': Yeah! ''[sobs]'' Think of all the little kids, Clyde! :'''Sue''': And the big kids too, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Alright, already! ''[to Pac-Man]'' Just this once, Pac-Man. But remember, when Christmas is over, we'll be back. :'''Pac-Man''': Aw, thanks. You won't regret this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': ''[Handing out gifts]'' Inky. Pinky. Blinky. Clyde. Sue. :'''Clyde''': Why, I...I don't know what to say. :'''Pac-Baby''': How about "Thank you."? :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Blinky)''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Thank you. :'''Pac-Man''': Aww, don't thank us. Thank Santa Claus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santa''': ''[Skyward in his sleigh]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp! == Cast == * [[w:Marty Ingels|Marty Ingels]] – [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] * [[w:Allan Lurie|Allan Lurie]] – Mezmaron * [[w:Neil Ross|Neil Ross]] – Clyde * [[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] – Sue * [[Peter Cullen]] – Sour Puss * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Chomp Chomp, Morris * [[w:Barry Gordon|Barry Gordon]] – Inky * [[w:Darryl Hickman|Darryl Hickman]] – [[w:Jr. Pac-Man|P.J.]] * [[w:Chuck McCann|Chuck McCann]] – Blinky, Pinky * Barbara Minkus – [[w:Ms. Pac-Man|Ms. Pepper Pac-Man]] * [[w:Lorenzo Music|Lorenzo Music]] – [[w:Super Pac-Man|Super-Pac]] * [[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] – [[w:Baby Pac-Man|Pac-Baby]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0083461|title=Pac-Man}} [[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TV shows about monsters]] [[Category:TV shows about ghosts]] n7qlno1wtwgs3l5g687k0s2l6z9acyy 3944715 3944706 2026-05-24T04:26:04Z Tithicies32 3328513 3944715 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pac-Man (TV series)|Pac-Man: The Animated Series]]''''' (1982-1983) is an American animated TV show based on the video game ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' by [[w:Namco|Namco]]. Airing originally on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], it was produced by Hanna-Barbera. It was the first Hanna-Barbera animated series based on a video game. {{tv-stub}} Do you know what would make Pac-Man better? By giving him an actual penis and balls! :) == Season 1 == === ''Presidential Pac-Nappers'' [1.01] === :''[The Ghost-Monsters invade the Yellow House]'' :'''Pac-President''': Uh, what is the meaning of this? :'''Sue''': It's quite simple, Mr. President. You're being pac-napped. :'''Inky''': Yeah, how does that grab you? ''[chomps the Pac-President]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': YIKES! ''[crashes on a trash can]'' Next time I take a ride like that, I'm bringing a parachute! :'''Clyde''': There ain't going to be any next time Pac-Man, cause we're gonna chomp all over you! :''[Ms. Pac-Man arrives]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's what you think, creepos! :'''Sue''': It's Ms. Pac-Man! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[patting Pac-Man's head]'' Are you alright, Packy, darling? :'''Pac-Man''': Well, I was feeling a bit run down, but now that you're here, Pepper, I'm feeling much better! :'''Clyde''': Good! Now, we can chomp ''BOTH'' o' yous! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': I wouldn't be too sure about that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters get into new ghost-suits]'' :'''Pinky''': Hiya, boss. You'll never guess how we messed up this time. :'''Mezmaron''': I don't have to guess. I saw it all – on my PacLand spy satellite. :'''Pinky''': Oh, me on TV? How did I look, Mezmaron? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP! I've been stopped from finding PacLand's hidden Power Forest. Once I control all the Power Pellets, I'll be the master of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're taking you for a little ride! ''[laughs evilly]'' And if you don't tell us were the power forest is, Pinky lets go! :'''Blinky''': Oh, if Pinky lets go, what happens to us? :'''Clyde''': Don't ask dumb questions! === ''Picnic in PacLand'' [1.02] === :'''Inky''': ''[he is cooking pancakes that look like Pac-Man]'' Hey, Clyde, how about a barbecued Pac-Pancake? They look just like Pac-Man. ''[eats one]'' Only they don't taste as good as he does. :'''Clyde''': No thanks. I like chomping on the real thing. ''[a Frisbee flies in his face]'' I said I don't want no pancake! :'''Blinky''': That ain't no pancake Clyde! It's a flying dog set. A slying fog set. It's a... :'''Sue''': You silly jerks. This is a frisbee. === ''The Great Pac-Quake'' [1.03] === :'''Mezmaron''': Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? :'''Clyde''': You're gonna be proud of us, boss. We found the Power Forest for you! :'''Mezmaron''': Where is it? :'''Clyde''': Tell him, Inky! ''[pulls Inky in front of the line]'' :'''Inky''': Uh, tell him, Pinky. ''[pulls Pinky in front of the line]'' :'''Pinky''': Tell him, Blinky. ''[pulls Blinky in front of the line]'' :'''Blinky''': I-I w-w-wasn't watching when they drove the crate in. I thought ''you'' guys were watching. :'''Inky''': I wasn't watching. Were ''you'' watching? :'''Pinky''': Not me. I thought ''you'' were watching. :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP, YOU BLUNDERING FOOLS! Fortunately for you, I've got another plan. And my Computerized Earthquake Device for shaking PacLand into a frenzy. The five of you will sneak into the Pac-Museum and steal the Secret Map of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': ''[Wearing a baseball glove suit]'' Hey, Clyde, how do you like my new suit? Fits me like a glove, huh? :'''Clyde''': That ''IS'' a glove, Inky! :'''Inky''': Oh, so it is. And here, I thought my brains were growing. === ''Hocus Pocus Pac-Man'' [1.04] === :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, no! Pepper's back. If she finds out I lost Pac-Baby, I'm in big trouble. :''[Pac-Man's teeth chatters as Chomp-Chomp the dog starts chewing on Pac-Man's foot]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Don't bother me, Chomp-Chomp! I got to find the baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Did I hear Pac-Baby cough? You didn't let him wander in the yard and catch a cold, did you? :'''Pac-Man''': Of course not, dear. That was me. I sneezed. === ''Southpaw Packy'' [1.05] === :'''Pinky''': Duh, the stadium's just around the bend, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Good! Messin' up PacLand's World Series is gonna be almost as much fun as chompin' Pac-Man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Parking Attendant''': Hey, you can't come in here! No ghosts allowed! :'''Sue''': Inky, show the nice man our special pass! :'''Inky''': It's in here, see? ''[points to his own mouth as he opens it wide; the Parking Attendant leans in, peering down Inky's throat; Inky snaps his jaws shut in a vicious chomp, practically chomping the luckless Pac in half; as he withers and deflates and sags listlessly over the counter of his kiosk, the Ghost-Monsters head into the stadium for more chomping]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sue''': I've got to get out of here before I get caught! ''[runs into Pac-Man's baseball glove]'' :'''Pac-Man''': You just did! ''[throws her to Ms. Pac-Man for the chomp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Come on, Ghost-face! Put one over me! :'''Pinky''': He'll never hit my cyclone-ball. ''[winds up, and throws the ball away from the plate]'' :'''Sue''': Strike one! :'''Pac-Man''': Whaaat?! :'''Sue''': Oh, talking back to the umpire huh? Make that strike two! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Go Packy, GO! === ''Pac-Baby Panic'' [1.06] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's up Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Ahhh! Oh, it's only you, Pepper. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What have you got in the sack, Pac? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh. They're Super-Powered Power Pellet Seeds. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Super-Powered Power Pellet See---?!? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh! If Mezmaron and his Ghost-Monsters ever found these, they could grow their own Super-Powered Power Pellet Forest. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, my! ----- ''[Pac-Man is chased by the Ghost-Monsters into his kitchen, where Ms. Pac is busy washing dishes.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's the rush, Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, we've got company for lunch. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, but there aren't enough power pellets. :'''Pac-Man''': No problem. They don't wanna eat ''with'' us - they just wanna eat ''us''! :'''Clyde''': That's right! And don't bother settin' the table. We're just gonna chomp and run! ''[Clyde chomps Pac-Man, who collapses onto the floor in a helpless lump]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, whoa... I feel dizzy... === ''Pacula'' [1.07] === :'''Mezmaron''': I don't care if you mess things up again. You've been replaced. :''[The Ghost-Monsters start crying]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Stop your blubbering and get into something dry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pacula''': I want to chomp your bones! :'''Blinky''': We ain't got no phones... I mean bones. We're ghosts! Ghosts ain't got no bones! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the form of a bat, Pacula flits into a car between two Pac-teens who are watching a drive-in movie. The boy runs off in terror as Pacula changes to his frightening vampire form, but the girl is so engrossed in the movie that she doesn't notice that it's no longer her boyfriend sitting beside her.]'' :'''Pacula''': Good evening! I want to chomp your bones! :'''Drive-in Girl''': ''[waving him off, oblivious]'' Not now, Frankie! I'm watching the movie! :'''Pacula''': ''[opening mouth eagerly]'' Hiss! :''[The girl peers over nervously and finally sees Pacula.]'' :'''Drive-in Girl''': Eeeeeeeeeek! :''[Pacula cuts off her horrified shriek by snapping his jaws shut in a big chomp, draining her energy and leaving her listless.]'' === ''Trick or Chomp'' [1.08] === :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, trick or treat. :''[Morris puts one power pellet in Pac-Man's sack]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Only one? :'''Morris''': You know, you're right. ''[takes the power pellet back]'' You are a bit old to be trick-or-treating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Pinky)''': ''[singing to the tune of Heigh-Ho]'' Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's off to chomp we go! ''[knock on a door, which Morris answers]'' Trick or chomp! :'''Morris''': Aw, isn't that cute? You kids look just like the Ghost-Monsters. :'''Clyde''': Wrong, pac-dunce. We ''are'' the Ghost-Monsters! :''[The Ghost-Monsters chomp Morris, who falls in a daze]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're gonna chomp, chomp, chomp... :'''Pinky''': On your bones, bones, bones. :'''Inky''': We're gonna laugh "ha-ha"... :'''Sue''': At your groans, groans, groans! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Baby''': Da-da, twick or tweat! :'''Pac-Man''': What? :'''Pac-Baby''': Twick or tweat, Da-da! :'''Pac-Man''': Trick or...? Of course! We can eat the treats! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And give those Ghost-Monsters a trick! === ''Super Ghosts'' [1.09] === :'''Clyde''': Wait a minute, we don't need no power forest. :'''Sue''': Hmm, he's right. Now that were Super Ghosts, we don't need to follow Mezmaron's orders. :''[Mezmaron hears this on his computer screen]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Why, you muteness-little monsters. You better follow my orders, or I'll... :'''Inky''': Ah, shut up, egghead. Who asked you? ----- :''[While chased by the Ghost-Monsters, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man are separated. Pac-Man plops into a water fountain and Ms. Pac-Man is caught and held by Sue.]'' :'''Sue''': Well, Ms. Pac-Man, looks like this time, ''I'm'' the chomp-or and ''you're'' the chompee! :''[Sue chomps Ms. Pac-Man, who faints. Pac-Man reacts to seeing his wife getting chomped.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, yeah? Nobody chomps ''my'' Pepper and gets away with it! :''[Pac-Man rushes forth.]'' :'''Clyde''': Nobody but the Super Ghost-Monsters! :''[Clyde freezes the wet Pac-Man in place with a blast of super cold breath. Inky approaches.]'' :'''Inky''': Ooh, a pac-sicle! :''[Inky grabs Pac-Man's leg and chomps down on it.]'' ----- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[chasing Sue as Super Ms. Pac-Man]'' Super Sue, I'll catch you! :''[Sue screams and Ms. Pac-Man chomps her]'' === ''The Pac-Man in the Moon'' [1.10] === :'''Blinky''': Why do I always have to do the dangerous stuff? :'''Sue''': ''[hugs Blinky]'' Would you please do it, for little Sue? :'''Blinky''': And if I don't? :'''Sue''': I'LL CHOMP YOUR FACE OFF! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters chase Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Roses are red... :'''Clyde''': Pac-Man is yella. :'''Pinky''': Lets open wide... :'''Inky''': And chomp on that fella! :''[The Pac-People are running as fast as they can. Pac-Man is in the rear, looking back with worry.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': C'mon, step on it, Pepper! They're right behind us! :''[Ms. Pac is startled and skids to a halt, and Pac-Man crashes into her. They plop to the ground, and now Pac-Man sees that the Ghost-Monsters have surrounded them.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And they're right in front of us, too! :''[The Ghost-Monsters close in and chomp them silly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': Gosh, there ain't no hiding places around here, nowhere. I know. ''[he pulls a door out from his ghost-suit, sets it down, opens it, enters and closes it]'' :'''Pac-Man''': ''[comes up to the door and knocks]'' Knock knock. :'''Inky''': Who's there? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp. :'''Inky''': Chomp who? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp you! ''[opens door]'' :''[Inky screams as Pac-Man chomps him]'' === ''Journey to the Center of PacLand'' [1.11] === :'''Blinky''': Please have mercy on me! :'''Pac-Man''': I'll do better than that - I'll have ''mustard'' on you! [squirts mustard on Blinky and chomps him] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters are digging a tunnel under PacLand to find the power forest, and they come across...]'' :'''Blinky''': Look, roots! :'''Inky''': Oh boy! Lets make some "root" beer! :'''Clyde''': This ain't no time for soda, jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man falls into an underground tunnel dug by the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Its Pac-Man! Get him! :'''Pac-Man''': Well, excuuuuuse me! :''[Pac-Man zips off, and the Ghost-Monsters chase him.]'' :'''Clyde''': Little Pac-Man had to scram... :'''Pinky''': So he would not get whomped. :'''Sue''': But everywhere that Packy ran... :'''Inky''': The Ghost-Monsters chomped and chomped! :''[The Ghost-Monsters overtake Pac-Man, and Clyde gives him a big crunch. Woozy and weak, the chomped Pac-Man wobbles on shaky legs and then falls, splatting to the ground on his belly.]'' :'''Inky''': Ha ha! We got 'im! === ''Invasion of the Pac-Pups'' [1.12] === === ''Sir Chomp-A-Lot'' [1.13] === === ''The Day the Forest Disappeared'' [1.14] === === ''Neander Pac-Man'' [1.15] === :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters confront Neander Pac-Man, who has discovered a power-pellet tree but cannot discover any practical use for the power-pellets.]'' :'''Clyde''': Alright, Neander nut, we got you now! :'''Sue''': Unh, start chomping! :''[The 4 male Cave Ghost-Monsters prepare to chomp on Sue!]'' :'''Sue''': Not ''me'', you fossil brains! We're supposed to chomp Neander Pac-Man! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters back down before chomping her.]'' :'''Inky''': Oh, that makes sense! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Hope you guys don't mind if I make a fast exit! :''[Neander Pac-Man runs for it.]'' :'''Blinky''': Him g-g-gettin' away! :'''Pinky''': Argh, let's get him! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters chase Neander Pac-Man and begin to cut off his escape routes. Clyde ambushes Neander Pac-Man from ahead.]'' :'''Clyde''': Aaargh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Uh oh! Better try this way! :''[Neander Pac-Man stops abruptly and runs the other way, but Pinky ambushes him from behind some rocks.]'' :'''Pinky''': Raawwrgh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Yow! Wrong way! :''[Neander Pac-Man backs away and bumps against the trunk of the power-pellet tree. He is trapped and surrounded by the Cave Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Neander Pac-Man''': HELLLLP! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters pounce on Neander Pac-Man and chomp him. When the crunching is done, Neander Pac-Man stumbles dizzily for a moment before plopping to the ground in a helpless daze.]'' :'''Clyde''': Ha! We show him! :'''Blinky''': Yeah! We make world's first chomp! ''[Laughs.]'' === ''Backpackin' Packy'' [1.16] === === ''The Abominable Pac-Man'' [1.17] === === ''The Bionic Pac-Woman'' [1.18] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh gosh, isn't this exiting Packy? Me in the movies! :'''Pac-Man''': I don't know, Pepper. There's something about ''those guys'' I don't like. === ''Chomp-Out at the O.K. Corral'' [1.19] === :'''Clyde''': Go on Dinky, show that little Pac-pipsqueak who's boss! :'''Dinky''': ''[to Pac-Baby who is drinking his bottle]'' OK, you! I'm going to chomp your baby bones. :'''Pac-Baby''': Goo goo ga goo. Don't count on it. :''[Pac-Baby chomps Dinky]'' :''[Dinky cries as his eyeballs float around]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Come on lets get out of here! ''[He and Ms. Pac-Man grab Pac-Baby and run away]'' :''[Dinky crying, leaving a puddle of tears in the floor]'' :'''Clyde''': Some ghost-monster you are! :'''Sue''': ''[puts a new ghost-suit on Dinky]'' Aw give the kid a chance. :'''Clyde''': Come on fellows. Well make a ghost-monster out of Dinky yet. === ''Once Upon a Chomp'' [1.20] === :''[Pinky has inflated to giant size and surprises Pac-Man and Ms. Pac.]'' :'''Pinky''': Fee Fie Foe Fomp, Pac-Man's gonna get a great big chomp! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man and Ms. Pac are on the run from the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Quick, hide behind that pink curtain! :''[They zip behind the curtain, but it's not a curtain at all - it's the giant Pinky!]'' :'''Pinky''': Duh, looks like it's curtains for you two! :''[Pinky pulls aside the lower portion of his sheet to expose the trapped Pac-People, and Clyde, Inky, Blinky, and Sue pounce on them, chomping away. When the crunching is done, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man stumble dizzily and faint, flopping onto their backs.]'' === ''The Pac-Love Boat'' [1.21] === :'''Inky''': Oh boy, oh boy! Clam chowder! My favorite! ''[a clam in his chowder splashes him in the face with the spoon]'' A wise guy, huh? I'll fix him! ''[he tries to smack the clam with his spoon, but splashes more soup on his face]'' Nya, nya nya! ''[the clam closes it's shell on his tongue]'' '''YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!''' === ''The Great Power-Pellet Robbery'' [1.22] === === ''A Bad Case of the Chomps'' [1.23] === :'''Pac-Man''': I feel much better! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Perhaps you haven't seen the bill. :''[Pac-Man passes out, sobbing on a gurney where a nurse carts him away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (variously)''': ''[singing to the tune of the Toreador Song]'' We'll chomp old Pac-Man, chomp him day and night! You chomp his left side, we'll chomp his right! === ''Goo-Goo at the Zoo'' [1.24] === === ''Nighty Nightmares'' [1.25] === === ''The Pac-Mummy'' [1.26] === :'''Pac-Baby''': Ooh, look, Mama! Big baby wear big diaper! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's no big baby! That's a Pac-Mummy! === ''Christmas Comes to PacLand'' [1.27] === :''[Chasing the Pac-Family]'' :'''Clyde''': Down the hill... :'''Inky''': ...and after that bum. :'''Pinky''': Look out Pac-Man... :'''Sue''': ...cause here we come! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, what'll we do now? Without some power-pellets, those Ghost-Monsters will chomp us for sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue threatens Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Prepare to be chomped, Pac-fink! :'''Sue''': C'mon, fellas, let's chomp him! :'''Sue''': C'mon, let's quit wasting time and chomp on his bones! <hr width=50%> :'''Clyde''': ''[singing]'' Dashing through the snow. :'''Blinky''': O'er the fields we go. :'''Pinky''': In a three-ghost-monster sleigh. :'''Inky''': Chomping all the way. Ho, ho, ho! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Well, you know what I always say - if you can't beat 'em...RUN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': Forget it, Pac-Man. Your clever talk ain't going to get you out of this mess. :'''Pac-Man''': But wait, you don't understand! I'm not doing this for me. Just think of all the millions of deserving children around the world who wont get their Christmas presents, if you open your mouths instead of your hearts. :''[Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue start to cry]'' :'''Clyde''': Ah, what a bunch of humbug. :'''Inky''': Aw! ''[sniffles]'' Give the guy a break, Clyde! :'''Pinky''': Yeah! ''[sobs]'' Think of all the little kids, Clyde! :'''Sue''': And the big kids too, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Alright, already! ''[to Pac-Man]'' Just this once, Pac-Man. But remember, when Christmas is over, we'll be back. :'''Pac-Man''': Aw, thanks. You won't regret this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': ''[Handing out gifts]'' Inky. Pinky. Blinky. Clyde. Sue. :'''Clyde''': Why, I...I don't know what to say. :'''Pac-Baby''': How about "Thank you."? :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Blinky)''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Thank you. :'''Pac-Man''': Aww, don't thank us. Thank Santa Claus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santa''': ''[Skyward in his sleigh]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp! == Cast == * [[w:Marty Ingels|Marty Ingels]] – [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] * [[w:Allan Lurie|Allan Lurie]] – Mezmaron * [[w:Neil Ross|Neil Ross]] – Clyde * [[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] – Sue * [[Peter Cullen]] – Sour Puss * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Chomp Chomp, Morris * [[w:Barry Gordon|Barry Gordon]] – Inky * [[w:Darryl Hickman|Darryl Hickman]] – [[w:Jr. Pac-Man|P.J.]] * [[w:Chuck McCann|Chuck McCann]] – Blinky, Pinky * Barbara Minkus – [[w:Ms. Pac-Man|Ms. Pepper Pac-Man]] * [[w:Lorenzo Music|Lorenzo Music]] – [[w:Super Pac-Man|Super-Pac]] * [[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] – [[w:Baby Pac-Man|Pac-Baby]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0083461|title=Pac-Man}} [[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TV shows about monsters]] [[Category:TV shows about ghosts]] 57k46iagdv6xm24xsfn91bdkwkcdzr6 3944720 3944715 2026-05-24T04:29:09Z Apparition11 55214 Reverted 1 edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) (TwinkleGlobal) 3944720 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Pac-Man (TV series)|Pac-Man: The Animated Series]]''''' (1982-1983) is an American animated TV show based on the video game ''[[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]'' by [[w:Namco|Namco]]. Airing originally on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]], it was produced by Hanna-Barbera. It was the first Hanna-Barbera animated series based on a video game. {{tv-stub}} == Season 1 == === ''Presidential Pac-Nappers'' [1.01] === :''[The Ghost-Monsters invade the Yellow House]'' :'''Pac-President''': Uh, what is the meaning of this? :'''Sue''': It's quite simple, Mr. President. You're being pac-napped. :'''Inky''': Yeah, how does that grab you? ''[chomps the Pac-President]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': YIKES! ''[crashes on a trash can]'' Next time I take a ride like that, I'm bringing a parachute! :'''Clyde''': There ain't going to be any next time Pac-Man, cause we're gonna chomp all over you! :''[Ms. Pac-Man arrives]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's what you think, creepos! :'''Sue''': It's Ms. Pac-Man! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[patting Pac-Man's head]'' Are you alright, Packy, darling? :'''Pac-Man''': Well, I was feeling a bit run down, but now that you're here, Pepper, I'm feeling much better! :'''Clyde''': Good! Now, we can chomp ''BOTH'' o' yous! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': I wouldn't be too sure about that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters get into new ghost-suits]'' :'''Pinky''': Hiya, boss. You'll never guess how we messed up this time. :'''Mezmaron''': I don't have to guess. I saw it all – on my PacLand spy satellite. :'''Pinky''': Oh, me on TV? How did I look, Mezmaron? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP! I've been stopped from finding PacLand's hidden Power Forest. Once I control all the Power Pellets, I'll be the master of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're taking you for a little ride! ''[laughs evilly]'' And if you don't tell us were the power forest is, Pinky lets go! :'''Blinky''': Oh, if Pinky lets go, what happens to us? :'''Clyde''': Don't ask dumb questions! === ''Picnic in PacLand'' [1.02] === :'''Inky''': ''[he is cooking pancakes that look like Pac-Man]'' Hey, Clyde, how about a barbecued Pac-Pancake? They look just like Pac-Man. ''[eats one]'' Only they don't taste as good as he does. :'''Clyde''': No thanks. I like chomping on the real thing. ''[a Frisbee flies in his face]'' I said I don't want no pancake! :'''Blinky''': That ain't no pancake Clyde! It's a flying dog set. A slying fog set. It's a... :'''Sue''': You silly jerks. This is a frisbee. === ''The Great Pac-Quake'' [1.03] === :'''Mezmaron''': Well, what do you have to say for yourselves? :'''Clyde''': You're gonna be proud of us, boss. We found the Power Forest for you! :'''Mezmaron''': Where is it? :'''Clyde''': Tell him, Inky! ''[pulls Inky in front of the line]'' :'''Inky''': Uh, tell him, Pinky. ''[pulls Pinky in front of the line]'' :'''Pinky''': Tell him, Blinky. ''[pulls Blinky in front of the line]'' :'''Blinky''': I-I w-w-wasn't watching when they drove the crate in. I thought ''you'' guys were watching. :'''Inky''': I wasn't watching. Were ''you'' watching? :'''Pinky''': Not me. I thought ''you'' were watching. :'''Mezmaron''': SHUT UP, YOU BLUNDERING FOOLS! Fortunately for you, I've got another plan. And my Computerized Earthquake Device for shaking PacLand into a frenzy. The five of you will sneak into the Pac-Museum and steal the Secret Map of PacLand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': ''[Wearing a baseball glove suit]'' Hey, Clyde, how do you like my new suit? Fits me like a glove, huh? :'''Clyde''': That ''IS'' a glove, Inky! :'''Inky''': Oh, so it is. And here, I thought my brains were growing. === ''Hocus Pocus Pac-Man'' [1.04] === :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, no! Pepper's back. If she finds out I lost Pac-Baby, I'm in big trouble. :''[Pac-Man's teeth chatters as Chomp-Chomp the dog starts chewing on Pac-Man's foot]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Don't bother me, Chomp-Chomp! I got to find the baby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Did I hear Pac-Baby cough? You didn't let him wander in the yard and catch a cold, did you? :'''Pac-Man''': Of course not, dear. That was me. I sneezed. === ''Southpaw Packy'' [1.05] === :'''Pinky''': Duh, the stadium's just around the bend, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Good! Messin' up PacLand's World Series is gonna be almost as much fun as chompin' Pac-Man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Parking Attendant''': Hey, you can't come in here! No ghosts allowed! :'''Sue''': Inky, show the nice man our special pass! :'''Inky''': It's in here, see? ''[points to his own mouth as he opens it wide; the Parking Attendant leans in, peering down Inky's throat; Inky snaps his jaws shut in a vicious chomp, practically chomping the luckless Pac in half; as he withers and deflates and sags listlessly over the counter of his kiosk, the Ghost-Monsters head into the stadium for more chomping]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sue''': I've got to get out of here before I get caught! ''[runs into Pac-Man's baseball glove]'' :'''Pac-Man''': You just did! ''[throws her to Ms. Pac-Man for the chomp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Come on, Ghost-face! Put one over me! :'''Pinky''': He'll never hit my cyclone-ball. ''[winds up, and throws the ball away from the plate]'' :'''Sue''': Strike one! :'''Pac-Man''': Whaaat?! :'''Sue''': Oh, talking back to the umpire huh? Make that strike two! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Go Packy, GO! === ''Pac-Baby Panic'' [1.06] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's up Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Ahhh! Oh, it's only you, Pepper. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What have you got in the sack, Pac? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh. They're Super-Powered Power Pellet Seeds. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Super-Powered Power Pellet See---?!? :'''Pac-Man''': Shh! If Mezmaron and his Ghost-Monsters ever found these, they could grow their own Super-Powered Power Pellet Forest. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, my! ----- ''[Pac-Man is chased by the Ghost-Monsters into his kitchen, where Ms. Pac is busy washing dishes.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': What's the rush, Packy? :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, we've got company for lunch. :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, but there aren't enough power pellets. :'''Pac-Man''': No problem. They don't wanna eat ''with'' us - they just wanna eat ''us''! :'''Clyde''': That's right! And don't bother settin' the table. We're just gonna chomp and run! ''[Clyde chomps Pac-Man, who collapses onto the floor in a helpless lump]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, whoa... I feel dizzy... === ''Pacula'' [1.07] === :'''Mezmaron''': I don't care if you mess things up again. You've been replaced. :''[The Ghost-Monsters start crying]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Stop your blubbering and get into something dry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pacula''': I want to chomp your bones! :'''Blinky''': We ain't got no phones... I mean bones. We're ghosts! Ghosts ain't got no bones! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the form of a bat, Pacula flits into a car between two Pac-teens who are watching a drive-in movie. The boy runs off in terror as Pacula changes to his frightening vampire form, but the girl is so engrossed in the movie that she doesn't notice that it's no longer her boyfriend sitting beside her.]'' :'''Pacula''': Good evening! I want to chomp your bones! :'''Drive-in Girl''': ''[waving him off, oblivious]'' Not now, Frankie! I'm watching the movie! :'''Pacula''': ''[opening mouth eagerly]'' Hiss! :''[The girl peers over nervously and finally sees Pacula.]'' :'''Drive-in Girl''': Eeeeeeeeeek! :''[Pacula cuts off her horrified shriek by snapping his jaws shut in a big chomp, draining her energy and leaving her listless.]'' === ''Trick or Chomp'' [1.08] === :'''Pac-Man''': Uh, trick or treat. :''[Morris puts one power pellet in Pac-Man's sack]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Only one? :'''Morris''': You know, you're right. ''[takes the power pellet back]'' You are a bit old to be trick-or-treating. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Pinky)''': ''[singing to the tune of Heigh-Ho]'' Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho! It's off to chomp we go! ''[knock on a door, which Morris answers]'' Trick or chomp! :'''Morris''': Aw, isn't that cute? You kids look just like the Ghost-Monsters. :'''Clyde''': Wrong, pac-dunce. We ''are'' the Ghost-Monsters! :''[The Ghost-Monsters chomp Morris, who falls in a daze]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': We're gonna chomp, chomp, chomp... :'''Pinky''': On your bones, bones, bones. :'''Inky''': We're gonna laugh "ha-ha"... :'''Sue''': At your groans, groans, groans! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Baby''': Da-da, twick or tweat! :'''Pac-Man''': What? :'''Pac-Baby''': Twick or tweat, Da-da! :'''Pac-Man''': Trick or...? Of course! We can eat the treats! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And give those Ghost-Monsters a trick! === ''Super Ghosts'' [1.09] === :'''Clyde''': Wait a minute, we don't need no power forest. :'''Sue''': Hmm, he's right. Now that were Super Ghosts, we don't need to follow Mezmaron's orders. :''[Mezmaron hears this on his computer screen]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Why, you muteness-little monsters. You better follow my orders, or I'll... :'''Inky''': Ah, shut up, egghead. Who asked you? ----- :''[While chased by the Ghost-Monsters, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man are separated. Pac-Man plops into a water fountain and Ms. Pac-Man is caught and held by Sue.]'' :'''Sue''': Well, Ms. Pac-Man, looks like this time, ''I'm'' the chomp-or and ''you're'' the chompee! :''[Sue chomps Ms. Pac-Man, who faints. Pac-Man reacts to seeing his wife getting chomped.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Oh, yeah? Nobody chomps ''my'' Pepper and gets away with it! :''[Pac-Man rushes forth.]'' :'''Clyde''': Nobody but the Super Ghost-Monsters! :''[Clyde freezes the wet Pac-Man in place with a blast of super cold breath. Inky approaches.]'' :'''Inky''': Ooh, a pac-sicle! :''[Inky grabs Pac-Man's leg and chomps down on it.]'' ----- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': ''[chasing Sue as Super Ms. Pac-Man]'' Super Sue, I'll catch you! :''[Sue screams and Ms. Pac-Man chomps her]'' === ''The Pac-Man in the Moon'' [1.10] === :'''Blinky''': Why do I always have to do the dangerous stuff? :'''Sue''': ''[hugs Blinky]'' Would you please do it, for little Sue? :'''Blinky''': And if I don't? :'''Sue''': I'LL CHOMP YOUR FACE OFF! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters chase Mr. and Ms. Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Roses are red... :'''Clyde''': Pac-Man is yella. :'''Pinky''': Lets open wide... :'''Inky''': And chomp on that fella! :''[The Pac-People are running as fast as they can. Pac-Man is in the rear, looking back with worry.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': C'mon, step on it, Pepper! They're right behind us! :''[Ms. Pac is startled and skids to a halt, and Pac-Man crashes into her. They plop to the ground, and now Pac-Man sees that the Ghost-Monsters have surrounded them.]'' :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': And they're right in front of us, too! :''[The Ghost-Monsters close in and chomp them silly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Inky''': Gosh, there ain't no hiding places around here, nowhere. I know. ''[he pulls a door out from his ghost-suit, sets it down, opens it, enters and closes it]'' :'''Pac-Man''': ''[comes up to the door and knocks]'' Knock knock. :'''Inky''': Who's there? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp. :'''Inky''': Chomp who? :'''Pac-Man''': Chomp you! ''[opens door]'' :''[Inky screams as Pac-Man chomps him]'' === ''Journey to the Center of PacLand'' [1.11] === :'''Blinky''': Please have mercy on me! :'''Pac-Man''': I'll do better than that - I'll have ''mustard'' on you! [squirts mustard on Blinky and chomps him] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Ghost-Monsters are digging a tunnel under PacLand to find the power forest, and they come across...]'' :'''Blinky''': Look, roots! :'''Inky''': Oh boy! Lets make some "root" beer! :'''Clyde''': This ain't no time for soda, jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man falls into an underground tunnel dug by the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Mezmaron''': Its Pac-Man! Get him! :'''Pac-Man''': Well, excuuuuuse me! :''[Pac-Man zips off, and the Ghost-Monsters chase him.]'' :'''Clyde''': Little Pac-Man had to scram... :'''Pinky''': So he would not get whomped. :'''Sue''': But everywhere that Packy ran... :'''Inky''': The Ghost-Monsters chomped and chomped! :''[The Ghost-Monsters overtake Pac-Man, and Clyde gives him a big crunch. Woozy and weak, the chomped Pac-Man wobbles on shaky legs and then falls, splatting to the ground on his belly.]'' :'''Inky''': Ha ha! We got 'im! === ''Invasion of the Pac-Pups'' [1.12] === === ''Sir Chomp-A-Lot'' [1.13] === === ''The Day the Forest Disappeared'' [1.14] === === ''Neander Pac-Man'' [1.15] === :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters confront Neander Pac-Man, who has discovered a power-pellet tree but cannot discover any practical use for the power-pellets.]'' :'''Clyde''': Alright, Neander nut, we got you now! :'''Sue''': Unh, start chomping! :''[The 4 male Cave Ghost-Monsters prepare to chomp on Sue!]'' :'''Sue''': Not ''me'', you fossil brains! We're supposed to chomp Neander Pac-Man! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters back down before chomping her.]'' :'''Inky''': Oh, that makes sense! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Hope you guys don't mind if I make a fast exit! :''[Neander Pac-Man runs for it.]'' :'''Blinky''': Him g-g-gettin' away! :'''Pinky''': Argh, let's get him! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters chase Neander Pac-Man and begin to cut off his escape routes. Clyde ambushes Neander Pac-Man from ahead.]'' :'''Clyde''': Aaargh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Uh oh! Better try this way! :''[Neander Pac-Man stops abruptly and runs the other way, but Pinky ambushes him from behind some rocks.]'' :'''Pinky''': Raawwrgh! :'''Neander Pac-Man''': Yow! Wrong way! :''[Neander Pac-Man backs away and bumps against the trunk of the power-pellet tree. He is trapped and surrounded by the Cave Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Neander Pac-Man''': HELLLLP! :''[The Cave Ghost-Monsters pounce on Neander Pac-Man and chomp him. When the crunching is done, Neander Pac-Man stumbles dizzily for a moment before plopping to the ground in a helpless daze.]'' :'''Clyde''': Ha! We show him! :'''Blinky''': Yeah! We make world's first chomp! ''[Laughs.]'' === ''Backpackin' Packy'' [1.16] === === ''The Abominable Pac-Man'' [1.17] === === ''The Bionic Pac-Woman'' [1.18] === :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh gosh, isn't this exiting Packy? Me in the movies! :'''Pac-Man''': I don't know, Pepper. There's something about ''those guys'' I don't like. === ''Chomp-Out at the O.K. Corral'' [1.19] === :'''Clyde''': Go on Dinky, show that little Pac-pipsqueak who's boss! :'''Dinky''': ''[to Pac-Baby who is drinking his bottle]'' OK, you! I'm going to chomp your baby bones. :'''Pac-Baby''': Goo goo ga goo. Don't count on it. :''[Pac-Baby chomps Dinky]'' :''[Dinky cries as his eyeballs float around]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Come on lets get out of here! ''[He and Ms. Pac-Man grab Pac-Baby and run away]'' :''[Dinky crying, leaving a puddle of tears in the floor]'' :'''Clyde''': Some ghost-monster you are! :'''Sue''': ''[puts a new ghost-suit on Dinky]'' Aw give the kid a chance. :'''Clyde''': Come on fellows. Well make a ghost-monster out of Dinky yet. === ''Once Upon a Chomp'' [1.20] === :''[Pinky has inflated to giant size and surprises Pac-Man and Ms. Pac.]'' :'''Pinky''': Fee Fie Foe Fomp, Pac-Man's gonna get a great big chomp! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pac-Man and Ms. Pac are on the run from the Ghost-Monsters.]'' :'''Pac-Man''': Quick, hide behind that pink curtain! :''[They zip behind the curtain, but it's not a curtain at all - it's the giant Pinky!]'' :'''Pinky''': Duh, looks like it's curtains for you two! :''[Pinky pulls aside the lower portion of his sheet to expose the trapped Pac-People, and Clyde, Inky, Blinky, and Sue pounce on them, chomping away. When the crunching is done, Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man stumble dizzily and faint, flopping onto their backs.]'' === ''The Pac-Love Boat'' [1.21] === :'''Inky''': Oh boy, oh boy! Clam chowder! My favorite! ''[a clam in his chowder splashes him in the face with the spoon]'' A wise guy, huh? I'll fix him! ''[he tries to smack the clam with his spoon, but splashes more soup on his face]'' Nya, nya nya! ''[the clam closes it's shell on his tongue]'' '''YEEEEOOOOOWWWWW!!!!''' === ''The Great Power-Pellet Robbery'' [1.22] === === ''A Bad Case of the Chomps'' [1.23] === :'''Pac-Man''': I feel much better! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Perhaps you haven't seen the bill. :''[Pac-Man passes out, sobbing on a gurney where a nurse carts him away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ghost-Monsters (variously)''': ''[singing to the tune of the Toreador Song]'' We'll chomp old Pac-Man, chomp him day and night! You chomp his left side, we'll chomp his right! === ''Goo-Goo at the Zoo'' [1.24] === === ''Nighty Nightmares'' [1.25] === === ''The Pac-Mummy'' [1.26] === :'''Pac-Baby''': Ooh, look, Mama! Big baby wear big diaper! :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': That's no big baby! That's a Pac-Mummy! === ''Christmas Comes to PacLand'' [1.27] === :''[Chasing the Pac-Family]'' :'''Clyde''': Down the hill... :'''Inky''': ...and after that bum. :'''Pinky''': Look out Pac-Man... :'''Sue''': ...cause here we come! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ms. Pac-Man''': Oh, what'll we do now? Without some power-pellets, those Ghost-Monsters will chomp us for sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue threatens Pac-Man]'' :'''Sue''': Prepare to be chomped, Pac-fink! :'''Sue''': C'mon, fellas, let's chomp him! :'''Sue''': C'mon, let's quit wasting time and chomp on his bones! <hr width=50%> :'''Clyde''': ''[singing]'' Dashing through the snow. :'''Blinky''': O'er the fields we go. :'''Pinky''': In a three-ghost-monster sleigh. :'''Inky''': Chomping all the way. Ho, ho, ho! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': Well, you know what I always say - if you can't beat 'em...RUN! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clyde''': Forget it, Pac-Man. Your clever talk ain't going to get you out of this mess. :'''Pac-Man''': But wait, you don't understand! I'm not doing this for me. Just think of all the millions of deserving children around the world who wont get their Christmas presents, if you open your mouths instead of your hearts. :''[Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue start to cry]'' :'''Clyde''': Ah, what a bunch of humbug. :'''Inky''': Aw! ''[sniffles]'' Give the guy a break, Clyde! :'''Pinky''': Yeah! ''[sobs]'' Think of all the little kids, Clyde! :'''Sue''': And the big kids too, Clyde! :'''Clyde''': Alright, already! ''[to Pac-Man]'' Just this once, Pac-Man. But remember, when Christmas is over, we'll be back. :'''Pac-Man''': Aw, thanks. You won't regret this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pac-Man''': ''[Handing out gifts]'' Inky. Pinky. Blinky. Clyde. Sue. :'''Clyde''': Why, I...I don't know what to say. :'''Pac-Baby''': How about "Thank you."? :'''Ghost-Monsters (except Blinky)''': Th-Th-Th-Th-Th-Thank you. :'''Pac-Man''': Aww, don't thank us. Thank Santa Claus. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Santa''': ''[Skyward in his sleigh]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo! Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good chomp! == Cast == * [[w:Marty Ingels|Marty Ingels]] – [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]] * [[w:Allan Lurie|Allan Lurie]] – Mezmaron * [[w:Neil Ross|Neil Ross]] – Clyde * [[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] – Sue * [[Peter Cullen]] – Sour Puss * [[w:Frank Welker|Frank Welker]] - Chomp Chomp, Morris * [[w:Barry Gordon|Barry Gordon]] – Inky * [[w:Darryl Hickman|Darryl Hickman]] – [[w:Jr. Pac-Man|P.J.]] * [[w:Chuck McCann|Chuck McCann]] – Blinky, Pinky * Barbara Minkus – [[w:Ms. Pac-Man|Ms. Pepper Pac-Man]] * [[w:Lorenzo Music|Lorenzo Music]] – [[w:Super Pac-Man|Super-Pac]] * [[w:Russi Taylor|Russi Taylor]] – [[w:Baby Pac-Man|Pac-Baby]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0083461|title=Pac-Man}} [[Category:1980s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TV shows about monsters]] [[Category:TV shows about ghosts]] n7qlno1wtwgs3l5g687k0s2l6z9acyy 0 143842 3944487 3133070 2026-05-23T13:48:57Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944487 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Charles Fourier (by Hans F. Helmolt).jpg|thumb|Charles Fourier]] '''[[w:Charles Fourier|François Marie Charles Fourier]]''' ([[April 7]], [[1772]] – [[October 10]], [[1837]]) was a French [[philosopher]] who wrote on a variety of topics such as [[w:social philosophy|social philosophy]], [[w:natural science|natural science]] and [[w:normative ethics|normative ethics]]. He was an influential early [[socialism|socialist]] thinker and one of the founders of [[w:utopian socialism|utopian socialism]]. Some of Fourier's social and moral views, held to be radical in his lifetime, have become mainstream thinking in modern society. For instance, Fourier is credited with having originated the word ''[[feminism]]'' in 1837. Fourier is best remembered for his strong support for women's rights, his conception of [[w:socialist economics|socialist economics]] (referred to as "Fourierian economics), and his ''passional'' theory of [[metaphysics]]. Fourier, along with other early socialist theorists such as, [[Pierre-Joseph Proudhon|Proudhon]], [[Robert Owen|Owen]], [[Henri de Saint-Simon|Saint-Simon]] and [[Louis Auguste Blanqui|Blanqui]], were famously derided as "Utopian socialists" by the philosopher [[Karl Marx]] in ''[[The Communist Manifesto|The Manifesto of the Communist Party]]''. == Quotes == [[File:Brooks%27_Comet_1911.jpg|thumb|right|The seeds of heavenly bodies are deposited and cared for in the Milky Way, from which they emanate in swarms of comets that travel a; long time and ordinarily gravitate towards various suns before becoming fixed in orbit.]] [[File:Christian_Socialism_Anarchism.svg|thumb|right|Religious minds, which are distrustful of philosophic dogmas, fall into the error - inculcated by philosophy - of supposing that Providence is limited in its action; that is does not extend to the social world or the social relations of mankind, and that God has not determined upon any plan of social organization for the regulation of those relations. If they had a PROFOUND FAITH IN THE UNIVERSALITY OF PROVIDENCE, they would be convinced that all human needs must have been foreseen and provided for, and especially that the most urgent of them all could not have been overlooked - namely, the need of a social order for the regulation of our industrial and social relations. ]] * Wisdom, virtue, morality, all these have fallen out of fashion: everybody worships at the shrine of commerce. ** ''The Theory of the Four Movements'' (1808), G. Jones, ed. (1966), p. 269 *Nowhere is there more constancy and more unanimity than among the French to subordinate that sex which they pretend to honor so highly. **''The Theory of Social Organization '' *Ignorant as regards the unity of man with himself, the world is still more ignorant in respect to the two other unities - unity of man with God and the universe. *All repressed passion produces its counter-passion which is as malevolent as the natural passion would be beneficial. **''Le nouveau monde amoureux'' *The familial union presents as well a mixture of inconvenient ages and characters that inhibit conversation. Morality engenders a frigid atmosphere, as in all places where it reigns. **''Oeuvres completetes de Charles Fourier'' *IF the passions and characters of man were not subject, like the material kingdoms, to distribution in series of groups, man would be out of unity with the universe; there would be duplicity of system in creation, and incoherence between the material and the passional worlds. If man would attain to social uniy, he should seek for the means in the serial order, to which God has subject all nature. **''Le nouveau monde amoureux'' *'''Nothing is more opposed to concord than the present condition of the domestic and salaried classes. By reducing this poor multitude to a condition very like slavery, civilization, on the rebound, imposes chains upon those who seem to dominate. Thus notables do not dare to amuse themselves openly at times when the people suffer from poverty.''' The rich are subject to individual as well as collective servitude. A wealthy man is often the slave of his valets. However in harmony the valet himself enjoys complete independence, while the rich are served with an assiduity and a devotion of which one sees not a trace in civilization. **''Oeuvres completetes de Charles Fourier'' *When we see civilization elated with this declining and decrepit phase of its career, we are reminded of a faded belle who, boasting of her attractions in her fiftieth year, excites at once the remark that she was fairer at twenty-five. So it is with civilization, which, dreaming of perfection and progress, is constantly deteriorating, and which will find but too soon in its industrial achievements new sources of political oppression, crimes and commotions. *To speak frankly, the family bond in the ''civilizee regime''' causes fathers to desire the death of their children and children to desire the death of their fathers. *If children are a joy for the well-to-do, they are a torment for seven-eights of all civlizees, who cannot afford to maintain and educate them. *Marriage and dependent children are a trap for the people! Morality carefully hides this distressing truth from us because it knows no remedy for the evil. But I , who bring a remedy must not dissimulate the woes from fathers, and I must not dissimulate from society its radical vice of pushing seven-eighths of all families into evil practices through poverty. *Those who have taken the planets to be inanimate bodies without function, limited to traveling geometric paths, resemble idiots who would believe that the brain is inanimate because it has no visible function, or that the stomach is idle because it does no visible work as do our limbs. ''Civilizees'' have always been reproached for believing nature to be limited to known effects. '''If the planets were not animate creatures endowed with functions, God would then appear to be an advocate of laziness. He would have created universes furnished with large inert bodies spending eternity in purposeless meandering as do the idlers in our society. ''' **''L'attraction passioneé'' * Hitherto men have speculated vaguely on the unity of universes; it is now about to be demonstrated by reasoning from the passional world to material, guided by the analogy which exists between the two. **''L'attraction passioneé'', ''Harmonian Man: Selected Writings of Charles Fourier'', p. 54 *The seeds of heavenly bodies are deposited and cared for in the Milky Way, from which they emanate in swarms of comets that travel a ;long time and ordinarily gravitate towards various suns before becoming fixed in orbit. **''L'attraction passioneé'' === ''The Theory of Social Organization'' (1876) === *Agricultural association, which in all ages has been deemed impossible, would produce results of unbounded magnificence the rigorous demonstrations, the mathematical calculations by which these results will be verified, will not, however, prevent the picture of the future harmony and happiness which they present from repelling minds habituated to the miseries and wretchedness of our present civilization. **''The Theory of Social Organization''. ''Harmonian Man: Selected Writings of Charles Fourier'', p. 5. *This miracle of social concord would result not from direct conciliation, which would be impossible, but from the development of new interests, and especially from the amazement with which the minds of men would be filled on being convinced of the radical falseness of the civilized social order by comparison with the associative or combined, and of the errors in which the social world has been so long plunged - misled by ''speculative philosophy'', which upholds and extols this order with all its defects to the entire neglect of the study of association. **''The Theory of Social Organization''. ''Harmonian Man: Selected Writings of Charles Fourier'', p. 5. *There is no idea more novel, more surprising, than that of associating three hundred families of different degrees of fortune, knowledge and capacity. **''The Theory of Social Organization''. ''Harmonian Man: Selected Writings of Charles Fourier'', p. 5. *The possibility of associating two or three hundred families in agricultural and manufacturing industry depends upon a system so entirely different from what now exists, that it will open to the reader a new social world. He must consequently, in the study which opens before him, follow the guide with confidence, bearing constantly in min the gigantic results which will flow from association. '''Such results are well worth the sacrifice of a few prejudices.''' Every sensible reader will be of this opinion, and will concur to follow the advice which I shall constantly give, namely, to neglect the form and style of presentation, and occupy himself solely with the substance of the theory, seeking to determine whether the process of association is really discovered or not. **''The Theory of Social Organization''. ''Harmonian Man: Selected Writings of Charles Fourier'', p. 5. *'''There is a class of writers who are ever boasting of the progress of civilization and of the human mind in modern times. If we were to credit their pretensions, we should be led to believe that the science of society had reached its highest degree of perfection, because old metaphysical and economic theories have been somewhat refined upon.'''<br>In answer to their boasts of social progress, it is not sufficient to refer to the deeply-rooted social evils which exist, and which prey upon our boasted civilized social order. We will mention but a single one, the frightful increase of national debts and of taxation. **''The Theory of Social Organization''. ''Harmonian Man: Selected Writings of Charles Fourier'' *Religious minds, which are distrustful of philosophic dogmas, fall into the error - inculcated by philosophy - of supposing that Providence is limited in its action; that is does not extend to the social world or the social relations of mankind, and that God has not determined upon any plan of social organization for the regulation of those relations. If they had a PROFOUND FAITH IN THE UNIVERSALITY OF PROVIDENCE, they would be convinced that all human needs must have been foreseen and provided for, and especially that the most urgent of them all could not have been overlooked - namely, the need of a social order for the regulation of our industrial and social relations. **''The Theory of Social Organization''. ''Harmonian Man: Selected Writings of Charles Fourier'', p. 5. *The Turks teach women that ''they have no souls'', and are unworthy to enter paradise. The French would persuade them that they have no intellects'', and are not made to engage in mental labors, and to tread the paths of art and science. **''The Theory of Social Organization '' *Woman is degraded and made to believe that nature destined her exclusively to menial domestic labors, which in the combined order will be so abridged as to be performed without oppression to either sex. **''The Theory of Social Organization '' *You complain that the nature withholds from you a knowledge of her laws; but if you have been unable, to to present time, to discover them, why do you hesitate to admit the insufficiency of your methods and to invoke a new science, a new guide? Either nature does not desire the happiness of man, or your methods are condemned by her, since they have been unable to west from her the secret of which you are in pursuit. Do we find her frustrating the efforts of the natural philosophers as she does yours? no, because they study her laws instead of dictating laws to her; while you only study the art of stifling the voice of nature stifling attraction which is her interpreter, and the synthesis of which leads in every sense to association. What a contrast between your blunders and the achievements of the positive sciences! '''Every day, philosophers, you add new errors to the errors of the past, whereas we see the physical sciences daily advancing in the path of truth, and shedding as much luster upon the present century as your baseless vision have cast opprobrium upon the eighteenth.''' **Vol. I, pp.5-11 *IT is but too true, that for five and twenty centuries since the political and moral sciences have been cultivated, they have done nothing for the happiness of mankind. They have tended only to increase human perversity, to perpetuate indigence, and to reproduce the same evils under different forms. After all their fruitless attempts to ameliorate the social order, there remains to the authors of these sciences only the conviction their utter incompetency. The problem of human happiness is one which they have been wholly unable to solve. <br>Meanwhile a universal restlessness attests that mankind has not attained to the destiny to which nature would lead it, and this restlessness would seem to presage some great event m which shall radically change its social condition. The nations of the earth harassed by misfortune, and so deceived by political empirics, still hope for a better future, and resemble the invalid who looks for a miraculous cure. Nature whispers in the ear of the human race, that for it is reserved a happiness, the means of attaining which are now unknown, and that some marvelous discovery will be made, which will suddenly dispel the darkness that now enshrouds the social world. *As for civilization, from which at last we are about to escape, so far from being the social destiny of man, it is only a transient stage - a state of temporary evil with which globes are afflicted during the first ages of their career; it is for the human race a disease of infancy, like teething; but it is a disease which has been prolonged in our globe at least twenty centuries beyond its natural term, owing to the neglect on the part of the ancient philosophy to study association and passional attraction. === ''New Amorous World'' === * There was very little that prevented the vandalism of 1793 from suddenly producing a second revolution as marvelous as the first was horrible. The whole human race was approaching its release; the civilized, [[barbarian]], and savage order would have disappeared forever if the Convention, which trampled down all prejudices, had not bowed down before the only one that had to be destroyed, the institution of marriage. ** ''Charles Fourier: The Visionary and His World'', J. Beecher (1986), p. 304-5 * It is certain that nature inclines us toward the amorous orgy, just as much as toward the gastronomic orgy, and that while both are blameworthy in the excess, they would become praiseworthy in an order in which they could be equilibrated. ** ''Charles Fourier: The Visionary and His World'', J. Beecher (1986), p. 310 * An empire derives no advantage from the caresses of two turtledoves who spend a year cooing to each other in public meetings. ** ''Charles Fourier: The Visionary and His World'', J. Beecher (1986), p. 315 == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Fourier, Charles}} [[Category:1772 births]] [[Category:1837 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from France]] [[Category:Philosophers from France]] [[Category:Economists from France]] [[Category:Socialists from France]] [[Category:Utopian socialists]] [[Category:Free love advocates]] [[Category:Socialist feminists]] [[Category:Philosophers from France]] [[Category:Philosophical idealists]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] sgi7idd2aa6cz2izhg3arfnrdyg7vxa 0 145748 3944576 3731867 2026-05-23T19:32:04Z JonathanPappas 3328311 Link Athenaeus of Cyzicus 3944576 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''A History of Mathematics''''' by [[Florian Cajori]] was the first popular history of mathematics written in the United States. It was published in 1893. ==Quotes== ===Introduction=== * '''The contemplation of the various steps by which mankind has come into possession of the vast stock of mathematical knowledge can hardly fail to interest the mathematician. He takes pride in the fact that his science, more than any other, is an exact science and that hardly anything ever done in mathematics has proved to be useless.''' ** p. 1. * '''The chemist smiles at the childish efforts of alchemists but the mathematician finds the [[geometry]] of the Greeks and the arithmetic of the [[w:Hindu|Hindoos]] as useful and admirable as any research of today.''' ** p. 1. * [Mathematics] warns us against hasty conclusions; it points out the importance of a good notation upon the progress of the science; it discourages excessive specialisation on the part of investigators, by showing how apparently distinct branches have been found to possess unexpected connecting links; it saves the student from wasting time and energy upon problems which were, perhaps, solved long since; it discourages him from attacking an unsolved problem by the same method which has led other mathematicians to failure; it teaches that fortifications can be taken in other ways than by direct attack, that when repulsed from a direct assault it is well to reconnoitre and occupy the surrounding ground and to discover the secret paths by which the apparently unconquerable position can be taken. ** p. 1. * An untold amount of intellectual energy has been expended on the [[w:Squaring the circle|quadrature of the circle]], yet no conquest has been made by direct assault. The circle-squarers have existed in crowds ever since the period of [[Archimedes]]. After innumerable failures to solve the problem at a time, even when investigators possessed that most powerful tool, the [[differential calculus]], persons versed in mathematics dropped the subject, while those who still persisted were completely ignorant of its history and generally misunderstood the conditions of the problem. ...But progress was made on this problem by approaching it from a different direction and by newly discovered paths. [[w:Johann Heinrich Lambert|Lambert]] proved in 1761 that the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter is [[w:Commensurability (mathematics)|incommensurable]]. Some years ago, '''[[w:Ferdinand von Lindemann|Lindemann]] demonstrated''' that this ratio is also [[w:Transcendental number|transcendental]] and that the quadrature of the circle, by means of the ruler and compass only, is ''impossible''. He thus showed '''by actual proof that which keen minded mathematicians had long suspected; namely, that the great army of circle-squarers have, for two thousand years, been assaulting a fortification which is as indestructible as the [[w:Firmament|firmament]] of heaven.''' ** p. 2 [[File:Bisection construction.gif|right|thumb|Bisection of an angle using [[w:Compass-and-straightedge construction|compass-and-straightedge construction]]]] * Another reason for the desirability of historical study is the value of historical knowledge to the teacher of mathematics. ** p. 3. * '''The interest which pupils take in their studies may be greatly increased if the solution of problems and the cold logic of geometrical demonstrations are interspersed with historical remarks and anecdotes.''' ** p. 3. * A class in arithmetic will be pleased to hear about the Hindoos and their invention of the "[[w:Arabic numerals|Arabic notation]];" they will marvel at the thousands of years which elapsed before people had even thought of introducing into the numeral notation that Columbus-egg -- the zero; they will find it astounding that it should have taken so long to ''invent'' a notation which they themselves can now ''learn'' in a month. ** p. 3 [[File:Neusis-trisection.svg|thumb|right|Trisection of an angle by compass-and-straightedge construction was proved impossible by [[w:Pierre Wantzel|Pierre Wantzel]] (1837). It may be done via [[w:Neusis construction|Neusis construction]].]] * '''After the pupils have learned how to [[w:Bisection|bisect]] a given angle, surprise them by telling of the many futile attempts which have been made to solve, by elementary geometry, the apparently very simple problem of the [[w:Angle trisection|trisection]] of an angle.''' ** p. 3. * When they [students] know how to construct a square whose area is double the area of a given square, tell them about the [[w:Doubling the cube|duplication of the cube]] -- how the wrath of [[w:Apollo|Apollo]] could be appeased only by the construction of a cubical altar double the given altar, and how mathematicians long wrestled with this problem. ** p. 3. * After the class have exhausted their energies on [[w:Pythagorean theorem|the theorem of the right triangle]], tell them something about its discoverer -- how [[Pythagoras]], jubilant over his great accomplishment, sacrificed a [[wiktionary:hecatomb#Noun|hecatomb]] to the [[w:Muse|Muses]] who inspired him. ** p. 3. * When the value of mathematical training is called in question, quote the inscription over the entrance into [[w:Platonic Academy|the academy]] of [[Plato]], the philosopher: "Let no one who is unacquainted with [[geometry]] enter here." ** p. 3. * Students in [[w:Analytical_geometry|analytical geometry]] should know something of [[René Descartes|Descartes]], and, after taking up the differential and integral calculus, they should become familiar with the parts that [[Isaac Newton|Newton]], [[Gottfried Leibniz|Leibniz]], and [[w:Joseph-Louis Lagrange|Lagrange]] played in creating that science. ** p. 4. * In his historical talk it is possible for the teacher to make it plain to the student that mathematics is not a dead science, but a living one in which steady progress is made. ** p. 4. * '''The history of mathematics is important''' also '''as a valuable contribution to the history of civilisation.''' Human progress is closely identified with scientific thought. Mathematical and physical researches are a reliable record of intellectual progress. The history of mathematics is one of the large windows through which the philosophic eye looks into past ages and traces the line of intellectual development. ** p. 4. ===Antiquity=== ====The Babylonians==== * Of the largest numbers written in [[w:Cuneiform|cuneiform]] symbols, which have hitherto been found, none go as high as a million. ** p. 6. * Most surprising... is the fact that [[w:Sumer|Sumerian]] inscriptions disclose the use, not only of the... [[w:Decimal|decimal]] system but also of a [[w:Sexagesimal|sexagesimal]] one. ...We possess two [[w:Babylonia|Babylonian]] tablets which exhibit its use. One... contains a table of [[w:Square number|square numbers]] up to 60². The numbers 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, 49, are given as the squares of the first seven [[w:Integer|integers]] respectively. We have next 1.4=8² 1.21=9² 1.40=10² 2.1=11², etc. This remains unintelligible unless we assume the sexagesimal scale, which makes 1.4=60+4 1.21=60+21 2.1=2*60+1. ** p. 6. * The second [Babylonian] tablet records the magnitude of the illuminated portion of the moon's disc for every day from new to full moon, the whole disc being assumed to consist of 240 parts. ...This table not only exhibits the use of the sexagesimal system but also indicates the acquaintance of the Babylonians with [ [[w:Geometric progression|geometric]] and [[w:Arithmetic progression|arithmetic]] ] progressions. ** p. 6. * Not to be overlooked is the fact that '''in the''' [Babylonian] '''sexagesimal notation of integers the [[w:Positional notation|"principle of position"]] was employed.''' Thus in 1.4 (=64)... '''The introduction of this principle at so early a date is the more remarkable, because in the decimal notation it was not introduced till about the fifth or sixth century after Christ.''' ** p. 7. * '''The principle of position, in its general and systematic application, requires a symbol for [[w:Zero#History|zero]]. We ask, Did the Babylonians possess one?''' Neither of the above tables answers this question for they... contain no number in which there was occasion to use a zero. ** p. 7. * The sexagesimal system was used also in fractions. Thus, in the Babylonian inscriptions, 1/2 and 1/3 are designated by 30 and 20, the reader being expected, in his mind, to supply the word "sixtieths." The Greek geometer [[w:Hypsicles|Hypsicles]] and the Alexandrian astronomer [[Ptolemy|Ptolemæus]] borrowed the sexagesimal notation of fractions from the Babylonians and introduced it into Greece. From that time '''sexagesimal fractions held almost full sway in astronomical and mathematical calculations until the sixteenth century, when they finally yielded their place to the decimal fractions.''' ** p. 7. * It may be asked, '''What led to the invention of the sexagesimal system?''' Why was it that 60 parts were selected? ...[[Georg Cantor|Cantor]] offers the following theory: At first the Babylonians reckoned the year at 360 days. This led to the division of the circle into 360 degrees, each degree representing the daily amount of the supposed yearly revolution of the sun around the earth. Now they were, very probably, familiar with the fact that the radius can be applied to its circumference as a chord 6 times, and that each of these chords subtends an arc measuring exactly 60 degrees. Fixing their attention upon these degrees, the division into 60 parts may have suggested itself to them. Thus, when greater precision necessitated a subdivision of the degree, it was partitioned into 60 minutes. ** p. 7. * '''The division of the day into 24 hours, and of the hour into minutes and seconds on the scale of 60, is due to the Babylonians.''' ** p. 8. * [[Iamblichus]] attributes to them [the people in the [[w:Tigris|Tigro]]-[[w:Euphrates|Euphrates]] basin] also a knowledge of proportion, and even the invention of the so called [[w:Harmonic_series_(mathematics)|''musical'' proportion]]. Though we possess no conclusive proof, we have nevertheless reason to believe that in practical calculation they used the [[w:Abacus|abacus]]. ...Now, Babylon was once a great commercial centre,—the metropolis of many nations,—and it is therefore not unreasonable to suppose that her merchants employed this most improved aid to calculation. ** p. 8. * In [[geometry]] the Babylonians accomplished almost nothing. Besides the division of the circumference [of the circle] into 6 parts by its radius, and into 360 degrees, they had some knowledge of geometrical figures, such as the triangle and quadrangle, which they used in their [[wiktionary:/augury#Noun|auguries]]. Like the Hebrews (1 Kin. 7:23), they took &pi;=3. Of geometrical demonstrations, there is, of course no trace. "As a rule, in the Oriental mind the intuitive powers eclipse the severely rational and logical." ** p. 8. * When [[Alexander the Great]], after the [[w:Battle of Gaugamela|battle of Arbela]] (331 B.C.), took possession of Babylon, [[w:Callisthenes|Callisthenes]] found there on burned brick astronomical records reaching back as far as 2234 B.C. [[w:Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyrius]] says that these were sent to [[Aristotle]]. Ptolemy, the Alexandrian astronomer, possessed a Babylonian record of eclipses going back to 747 BC. Recently, [[w:Joseph Epping|Epping]] and [Johann Nepomuk] Strassmaier threw considerable light on Babylonian chronology and astronomy by explaining two calendars of the years 123 B.C. and 111 B.C. ...These scholars have succeeded in giving an account of the Babylonian calculation of the new and full moon and have identified by calculations the Babylonian names of the planets and of the twelve zodiacal signs and twenty-eight normal stars which correspond to some extent with the twenty eight [[w:Nakshatra|''nakshatras'']] of the Hindoos. ** p. 8. ====The Egyptians==== * '''Though there is great difference of opinion regarding the antiquity of Egyptian civilisation, yet all authorities agree in the statement that, however far back they go, they find no uncivilised state of society.''' ** p. 9. * '''All Greek writers are unanimous in ascribing, without envy, to Egypt the priority of invention in the mathematical sciences.''' [[Geometry]], in particular, is said by [[Herodotus]], [[Diodorus Siculus|Diodorus]], [[Diogenes Laërtius|Diogenes Laertius]], [[Iamblichus]], and other ancient writers to have originated in Egypt. ** p. 10. * A [[w:Hieratic|hieratic]] papyrus, included in the [[w:Rhind Mathematical Papyrus|Rhind collection]] of the [[w:British Museum|British Museum]], was deciphered by Eisenlohr in 1877, and found to be a mathematical manual containing problems in [[arithmetic]] and [[geometry]]. It was written by [[w:Ahmes|Ahmes]] some time before 1700 B.C., and was founded on an older work believed by Birch to date back as far as 3400 B.C.! This curious papyrus -- the most ancient mathematical handbook known to us -- puts us at once in contact with the [[w:Egyptian mathematics|mathematical thought in Egypt]] of three or five thousand years ago. It is entitled "Directions for obtaining the Knowledge of all Dark Things." We see from it that the Egyptians cared but little for theoretical results. Theorems are not found in it at all. It contains "hardly any general rules of procedure, but chiefly mere statements of results intended possibly to be explained by a teacher to his pupils." ** p. 10. * In geometry the forte of the Egyptians lay in making constructions and determining areas. The area of an isosceles triangle, of which the sides measure 10 ''ruths'' and the base 4 ''ruths'', was erroneously given as 20 square ''ruths'', or half the product of the base by one side. The [[w:Isosceles_trapezoid#Area|area of an isosceles trapezoid]] is found, similarly by multiplying half the sum of the parallel sides by one of the non-parallel sides. The [[w:Area of a disk|area of a circle]] is found by deducting from the diameter 1/2 of its length and squaring the remainder. Here &pi; is taken=(16/9)²=3.1604..., a very fair approximation. The papyrus explains also such problems as these,—To mark out in the field a right triangle whose sides are 10 and 4 units; or a trapezoid whose parallel sides are 6 and 4, and the non-parallel sides each 20 units. ** p. 11. * Some problems in this [Rhind] papyrus seem to imply a rudimentary knowledge of proportion. ** p. 11. * '''The base lines of the pyramids run north, and south and east and west, but probably only the lines running north and south were determined by astronomical observations. This, coupled with the fact that the word ''harpedonaptæ'', applied to Egyptian geometers, means "[[w:Rope stretcher|rope-stretchers]]," would point to the conclusion that the Egyptian, like the Indian and Chinese geometers, constructed a right triangle upon a given line, by stretching around three pegs a rope consisting of three parts in the ratios 3:4:5, and thus forming a right triangle.''' If this explanation is correct, then the Egyptians were familiar, 2000 years B.C., with the well-known property of the right triangle, for the special case at least when the sides are in the ratio 3:4:5. ** p. 11. * On the walls of the celebrated [[w:Temple of Edfu|temple of Horus at Edfu]] have been found hieroglyphics, written about 100 B.C., which enumerate the pieces of land owned by the priesthood, and give their areas. The area of any quadrilateral, however irregular, is there found by the formula (a+b)/2*(c+d)/2. ...The incorrect formulae of Ahmes of 3000 years B.C. yield generally closer approximations than those of the Edfu inscriptions, written 200 years after Euclid! ** p. 12. * '''The Egyptians failed in two essential points without which a ''science'' of [[geometry]], in the true sense of the word, cannot exist. In the first place, they failed to construct a rigorously logical system of geometry, resting upon a few axioms and postulates.''' A great many of their rules, especially those in solid geometry, had probably not been proved at all, but were known to be true merely from observation or as matters of fact. '''The second great defect was their inability to bring the numerous special cases under a more general view''', and thereby to arrive at broader and more fundamental theorems. '''Some of the simplest geometrical truths were divided into numberless special cases of which each was supposed to require separate treatment.''' ** p. 12. * An insight into Egyptian methods of numeration was obtained through the ingenious deciphering of the hieroglyphics by [[w:Jean-François Champollion|Champollion]], [[Thomas_Young_(scientist)|Young]], and their successors. ...The symbol for 1 represents a vertical staff, that for 10,000 a pointing finger, that for 100,000 a [[wiktionary:burbot#Noun|burbot]], that for 1,000,000 a man in astonishment. ** p. 13. * '''Fractions were a subject of very great difficulty with the ancients. Simultaneous changes in both numerator and denominator were usually avoided. In manipulating fractions the Babylonians kept the denominators (60) constant. The Romans likewise kept them constant, but equal to 12. The Egyptians and Greeks, on the other hand, kept the numerators constant, and dealt with variable denominators.''' ** p. 14. * '''[[w:Ahmes|Ahmes]] used the term "fraction" in a restricted sense, for he applied it only to ''unit-fractions'', or fractions having unity for the numerator.''' It was designated by writing the denominator and then placing over it a dot. '''Fractional values which could not be expressed by any one unit-fraction were expressed as the <i>sum</i> of two or more of them. ...The first important problem naturally arising was, how to represent any fractional value as the sum of unit-fractions. This was solved by aid of a table''', given in the [Rhind] papyrus, in which all fractions of the form 2/(2n+1) (where n designates successively all the numbers up to 49) are reduced to the sum of unit fractions. ** p. 14. * '''Having finished the subject of fractions, Ahmes proceeds to the solution of equations of one unknown quantity.''' The unknown quantity is called 'hau' or heap. ...'''It thus appears that the beginnings of algebra are as ancient as those of geometry.''' ** p. 15. * '''The principal defect of Egyptian arithmetic was the lack of a simple comprehensive symbolism, a defect which not even the Greeks were able to remove.''' ** p. 15. * '''The [[w:Rhind Mathematical Papyrus|Ahmes papyrus]] doubtless represents the most advanced attainments of the Egyptians in [[arithmetic]] and [[geometry.]] It is remarkable that they should have reached so great proficiency in mathematics at so remote a period of antiquity. But strange, indeed, is the fact that during the next two thousand years, they should have made no progress whatsoever in it. ...All the knowledge of geometry which they possessed when Greek scholars visited them, six centuries B.C., was doubtless known to them two thousand years earlier, when they built those stupendous and gigantic structures—the pyramids. An explanation for this stagnation of learning has been sought in the fact that their early discoveries in mathematics and medicine had the misfortune of being entered upon their sacred books and that, in after ages, it was considered heretical to augment or modify anything therein. Thus the books themselves closed the gates to progress.''' ** p. 15. ====The Greeks==== =====''Greek Geometry''===== * '''About the seventh century B.C. an active commercial intercourse sprang up between Greece and Egypt. Naturally there arose an interchange of ideas as well as of merchandise. Greeks, thirsting for knowledge, sought the Egyptian priests for instruction. [[Thales]], [[Pythagoras]], [[w:Oenopides|Œnopides]], [[Plato]], [[Democritus]], [[w:Eudoxus_of_Cnidus|Eudoxus]], all visited the land of the pyramids.''' ** p. 16. * The Egyptians carried [[geometry]] no further than was absolutely necessary for their practical wants. The Greeks, on the other hand, had within them a strong speculative tendency. They felt a craving to discover the reasons for things. They found pleasure in the contemplation of <i>ideal</i> relations and loved science <i>as</i> science. ** p. 16. * The early mathematicians, Thales and Pythagoras, left behind no written records of their discoveries. '''A full history of Greek geometry and astronomy''' during this period, '''written by [[w:Eudemus_of_Rhodes|Eudemus]]''', a pupil of Aristotle, '''has been lost. It was well known to [[w:Proclus#Works|Proclus]], who''', in his commentaries on Euclid, '''gives a brief account of it. This abstract constitutes our most reliable information. We shall quote it frequently under the name of ''Eudemian Summary''.''' ** p. 16. ======[[w:Ionian School (philosophy)|The Ionic School]]====== * To '''[[Thales|Thales of Miletus]]''' (640-546 B.C.), one of the "seven wise men," and the founder of the Ionic school, falls the honour of having '''introduced the study of [[geometry]] into Greece.''' During middle life he engaged in commercial pursuits which took him to Egypt. He is said to have resided there and to have studied the physical sciences and mathematics with the Egyptian priests. ** p. 17. * '''[[Plutarch]] declares that Thales soon excelled his masters and amazed [[w:Amasis_II|King Amasis]] by measuring the heights of the pyramids from their shadows. ...by considering that the shadow cast by a vertical staff of known length bears the same ratio to the shadow of the pyramid as the height of the staff bears to the height of the pyramid. This solution presupposes a knowledge of proportion''', and the Ahmes papyrus actually shows that the rudiments of proportion were known to the Egyptians. '''According to [[Diogenes Laërtius|Diogenes Laertius]] the pyramids were measured by Thales in a different way; viz. by finding the length of the shadow of the pyramid at the moment when the shadow of a staff was equal to its own length.''' ** p. 17. * '''The ''Eudemian Summary'' ascribes to Thales the invention of''' the '''theorems''' on the equality of [[w:Vertical angles|vertical angles]], the equality of the angles at the base of an [[w:Triangle#By_relative_lengths_of_sides|isosceles triangle]], the bisection of a circle by any diameter, and the [[w:Congruence|congruence]] of two triangles having a side and the two adjacent angles equal respectively. The last theorem he applied to the measurement of the distances of ships from the shore. Thus '''Thales was the first to apply theoretical [[geometry]] to practical uses.''' ** p. 17. * The [[w:Thales'_theorem|theorem that all angles inscribed in a semicircle are right angles]] is attributed by some ancient writers to Thales, by others to Pythagoras. ** p. 18. * Thales was doubtless familiar with other theorems, not recorded by the ancients. It has been inferred that he knew the sum of the three angles of a triangle to be equal to two right angles, and the sides of equiangular triangles to be proportional. ** p. 18. * The Egyptians must have made use of the above theorems on the straight line, in some of their constructions found in the Ahmes papyrus, but '''it was left for the Greek philosopher to give these truths, which others saw, but did not formulate into words, an explicit abstract expression, and to put into scientific language and subject to proof that which others merely felt to be true.''' ** p. 18. * '''Thales may be said to have created the geometry of lines, essentially abstract in its character, while the Egyptians studied only the geometry of surfaces and the rudiments of solid geometry, empirical in their character.''' ** p. 18. * '''With Thales begins also the study of scientific astronomy. He acquired great celebrity by the prediction of a [[w:Battle_of_Halys_(585_BCE)#The_eclipse|solar eclipse in 585 B.C.]]''' Whether he predicted the day of the occurrence, or simply the year, is not known. ** p. 18. * '''It is told of him''' [Thales] '''that while contemplating the stars during an evening walk, he fell into a ditch. The good old woman attending him exclaimed, "How canst thou know what is doing in the heavens when thou seest not what is at thy feet?"''' ** p. 18. * The two most prominent pupils of Thales were [[Anaximander]] (b. 611 B.C.) and [[w:Anaximenes of Miletus|Anaximenes]] (b. 570 B.C.). They studied chiefly astronomy and physical philosophy. ** p. 18. * Of '''[[Anaxagoras]]''', a pupil of Anaximenes, and the last philosopher of the Ionic school, we know little, except that '''while in prison, he passed his time attempting to [[w:Squaring the circle|square the circle]]. This is the first time, in the history of mathematics, that we find mention of the famous problem of the quadrature of the circle, that rock upon which so many reputations have been destroyed. It turns upon the determination of the exact value of [[w:Pi|&pi;]].''' Approximations to &pi; had been made by the Chinese, Babylonians, Hebrews, and Egyptians. But '''the invention of a method to find its ''exact'' value, is the knotty problem which has engaged the attention of many minds from the time of Anaxagoras down to our own. Anaxagoras did not offer any solution of it, and seems to have luckily escaped [[wiktionary:paralogism#Noun|paralogisms]].''' ** p. 18. * About the time of Anaxagoras, but isolated from the [[w:Ionian_School_(philosophy)|Ionic school]], flourished [[w:Oenopides|Œnopides of Chios]]. Proclus ascribes to him the solution of the following problems: From a point without, to draw a perpendicular to a given line, and to draw an angle on a line equal to a given angle. That a man could gain a reputation by solving problems so elementary as these, indicates that [[geometry]] was still in its infancy, and that '''the Greeks had not yet gotten far beyond the Egyptian constructions.''' ** p. 19. * '''The Ionic school lasted over one hundred years. The progress of mathematics during that period was slow, as compared with its growth in a later epoch of Greek history. A new impetus to its progress was given by [[Pythagoras]].''' ** p. 19. ======The [[w:Pythagoreanism|School of Pythagoras]]====== * Pythagoras (580?-500? B.C.). was one of those figures which impressed the imagination of succeeding times to such an extent that their real histories have become difficult to be discerned through the mythical haze that envelops them. The following account of Pythagoras excludes the most doubtful statements. ** p. 19. * He [Pythagoras] ...visited the ancient Thales, who incited him to study in Egypt. ...He settled at [[w:Crotone|Croton]], and founded the famous Pythagorean school. '''This was not merely an academy for the teaching of philosophy, mathematics, and natural science, but it was a brotherhood, the members of which were united for life. This brotherhood had observances approaching [[w:Freemasonry|masonic]] peculiarity.''' They were forbidden to divulge the discoveries and doctrines of their school. ** p. 20. * '''We are obliged to speak of the Pythagoreans as a body, and find it difficult to determine to whom each particular discovery is to be ascribed. The Pythagoreans themselves were in the habit of referring every discovery back to the great founder of the sect.''' ** p. 20. * '''Pythagoras raised mathematics to the rank of a science. Arithmetic was courted by him as fervently as geometry. In fact, arithmetic is the foundation of his philosophic system.''' ** p. 20. * The ''Eudemian Summary'' says that "'''Pythagoras''' changed the study of [[geometry]] into the form of a liberal education, for he examined its principles to the bottom, and investigated its theorems in an immaterial and intellectual manner." His geometry was connected closely with his arithmetic. He '''was especially fond of those geometrical relations which admitted of arithmetical expression.''' ** p. 21. * Like Egyptian geometry, the geometry of the Pythagoreans is much concerned with areas. ** p. 21. * '''To Pythagoras is ascribed the important [[w:Theorem|theorem]] that the square on the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares on the other two sides.''' He had probably learned from the Egyptians the truth of the theorem in the special case when the sides are 3, 4, 5, respectively. The story goes, that Pythagoras was so jubilant over this discovery that he sacrificed a [[wiktionary:hecatomb#Noun|hecatomb]]. Its authenticity is doubted, because the Pythagoreans believed in the transmigration of the soul and opposed, therefore, the shedding of blood. In the later traditions of the [[w:Neoplatonism|Neo-Pythagoreans]] this objection is removed by replacing this bloody sacrifice by that of "an ox made of flour."! '''The proof of the law of three squares, given in [[Euclid's Elements|Euclid's ''Elements'']], [http://aleph0.clarku.edu/~djoyce/java/elements/bookI/propI47.html I. 47], is due to Euclid himself, and not to the Pythagoreans.''' ** p. 21. * What the Pythagorean method of proof was has been a favourite topic for conjecture. ** p. 21. * The theorem on the sum of the three angles of a triangle, presumably known to Thales, was proved by the Pythagoreans after the manner of Euclid. They demonstrated also that the [[w:Tiling by regular polygons|plane about a point is completely filled]] by six equilateral triangles, four squares, or three regular hexagons, so that it is possible to divide up a plane into figures of either kind. ** p. 21. * '''From the [[w:Equilateral triangle|equilateral triangle]] and the [[w:Square|square]] arise the [[w:Platonic_solids|solids]], namely the [[w:Tetrahedron|tetraedron]], [[w:Octahedron|octaedron]], [[w:Icosahedron|icosaedron]], and the [[w:Cube|cube]]. These solids were, in all probability, known to the Egyptians, excepting perhaps the icosaedron. In Pythagorean philosophy, they represent respectively the [[w:Classical element|four elements]] of the physical world; namely fire, air, water, and earth. Later another regular solid was discovered, namely the [[w:Dodecahedron|dodecaedron]], which, in absence of a fifth element, was made to represent the universe itself.''' ** p. 21. * Iamblichus states that [[w:Hippasus|Hippasus]], a Pythagorean, perished in the sea, because he boasted that he first divulged "the [[w:Dodecahedron#History_and_uses|sphere with the twelve pentagons]]." ** p. 22. * The star-shaped [[w:Pentagram|pentagram]] was used as a symbol of recognition by the Pythagoreans, and was called by them Health. ** p. 22. * '''Pythagoras called the sphere the most beautiful of all solids, and the circle the most beautiful of all plane figures.''' ** p. 22. * According to [[w:Eudemus of Rhodes|Eudemus]], the Pythagoreans invented the problems concerning the application of areas, including the cases of defect and excess, as in Euclid, VI. [http://aleph0.clarku.edu/~djoyce/java/elements/bookVI/propVI28.html 28], [http://aleph0.clarku.edu/~djoyce/java/elements/bookVI/propVI29.html 29]. ** p. 22. * '''The Pythagoreans were... familiar with the construction of a polygon equal in area to a given polygon and similar to another given polygon. This problem depends upon several important and somewhat advanced theorems, and testifies to the fact that the Pythagoreans made no mean progress in [[geometry]].''' ** p. 22. * Of the theorems generally ascribed to the Italian school, some cannot be attributed to Pythagoras himself, nor to his earliest successors. '''The progress from empirical to reasoned solutions must, of necessity, have been slow.''' It is worth noticing that on the circle no theorem of any importance was discovered by this school. ** p. 22. * Among the later Pythagoreans, Philolaus and Archytas are the most prominent. ** p. 22. * '''[[w:Philolaus|Philolaus]] wrote a book on the Pythagorean doctrines. By him were first given to the world the teachings of the Italian school, which had been kept secret for a whole century.''' ** p. 22. * The brilliant '''[[w:Archytas|Archytas of Tarentum]]''' (428-347 B.C.), known as a great statesman and general, and universally admired for his virtues, was the only great geometer among the Greeks when Plato opened his school. Archytas '''was the first to apply geometry to [[w:Mechanics|mechanics]] and to treat the latter subject methodically.''' He also found a very ingenious mechanical solution to the problem of the [[w:Doubling the cube|duplication of the cube]]. His solution involves clear notions on the generation of cones and cylinders. This problem reduces itself to finding two mean proportionals between two given lines. These mean proportionals were obtained by Archytas from the section of a half-cylinder. '''The [[Doctrine of proportion_(mathematics)|doctrine of proportion]] was advanced through him.''' ** p. 23. * '''There is every reason to believe that the later Pythagoreans exercised a strong influence on the study and development of mathematics at [[w:Classical Athens|Athens]]. The [[w:Sophist|Sophists]] acquired geometry from Pythagorean sources. [[Plato]] bought the works of Philolaus and had a warm friend in Archytas.''' ** p. 23. ======The [[w:Sophism|Sophist School]]====== * '''[[w:Classical Athens|Athens]]... became the richest and most beautiful city of antiquity.''' All menial work was performed by slaves. ...The citizen of Athens was well to do and enjoyed a large amount of leisure. The government being purely democratic, every citizen was a politician. To make his influence felt among his fellow-men he must, first of all, be educated. Thus '''there arose a demand for teachers. The supply came principally from [[w:Sicily#Greek_and_Roman_period|Sicily]], where Pythagorean doctrines had spread. These teachers were called [[w:Sophist|''Sophists'']], or "wise men." Unlike the Pythagoreans, they accepted pay for their teaching. Although rhetoric was the principal feature of their instruction, they also taught [[geometry]], [[astronomy]], and [[philosophy]].''' ** p. 24. * Athens soon became the headquarters of Grecian men of letters, and of mathematicians in particular. '''The home of mathematics among the Greeks was first in the [[w:Ionian Islands|Ionian Islands]], then in [[w:Magna_Graecia|Lower Italy]], and during the time now under consideration, at Athens.''' ** p. 24. * '''The [[geometry]] of the circle, which had been entirely neglected by the Pythagoreans, was taken up by the Sophists. Nearly all their discoveries were made in connection with their innumerable attempts to solve the following three famous problems:—(1) To trisect an arc or an angle. (2) To "double the cube,"''' ''i.e.'' to find a cube whose ''volume'' is double that of a given cube. '''(3) To "square the circle'''," ''i.e.'' to find a square or some other rectilinear figure exactly equal in area to a given circle. These problems have probably been the subject of more discussion and research than any other problems in mathematics. ** p. 24 [[File:Quadratrix_animation.gif|thumb|right|{{center/s}}Quadratrix Animation{{center/e}}]] * The [[w:Bisection#Angle_bisector|bisection of an angle]] was one of the easiest problems in geometry. The [[w:Angle trisection|trisection of an angle]], on the other hand, presented unexpected difficulties. '''A right angle had been divided into three equal parts by the Pythagoreans. But the general problem''', though easy in appearance, '''transcended the power of [[w:Compass-and-straightedge construction|''elementary'' geometry]].''' Among the first to wrestle with it was [[w:Hippias|Hippias of Elis]], a contemporary of [[Socrates]], and born about 460 B.C. Like all the later geometers, he failed in effecting the trisection by means of a ruler and compass only. '''Proclus mentions''' a man, '''Hippias''', presumably Hippias of Elis, '''as the inventor of a [[w:Transcendental curve|transcendental curve]] which served to divide an angle not only into three, but into any number of equal parts. This same curve was used later by [[w:Dinostratus|Deinostratus]] and others for the [[w:Squaring the circle|quadrature of the circle]]. On this account it is called the [[w:Quadratrix|''quadratrix'']].''' ** p. 24. * The Pythagoreans had shown that the diagonal of a square is the side of another square having double the area of the original one. This probably suggested the problem of the [[w:Duplication_of_the_cube|duplication of the cube]], <i>i.e</i>. to find the edge of a cube having double the volume of a given cube. [[w:Eratosthenes|Eratosthenes]] ascribes to this problem a different origin. '''The [[w:Delos|Delians]] were once suffering from a pestilence and were ordered by the oracle to double a certain cubical altar.''' Thoughtless workmen simply constructed a cube with edges twice as long, but this did not pacify the gods. The error being discovered, '''[[Plato]] was consulted on the matter. He and his disciples searched eagerly for a solution to this "Delian Problem."''' ** p. 25 [[File:Lune.svg|thumb|right|Upper left shaded area is the [[w:Lune of Hippocrates|lune of Hippocrates]] which has the same area as the lower right shaded triangle.]] * '''[[w:Hippocrates of Chios|Hippocrates of Chios]]''' (about 430 B.C.), '''a talented mathematician, but otherwise slow and stupid, was the first to show that the''' [duplication of the cube] '''problem could be reduced to finding two mean proportionals''' between a given line and another twice as long. For, in the proportion a:x=x:y=y:2a, since x²=ay and y²=2ax and x⁴=a²y², we have x⁴=2 a³x and x³=2a³. '''But he failed to find the two mean proportionals. His attempt to square the circle was also a failure; for though he made himself celebrated by [[w:Lune of Hippocrates|squaring a lune]], he committed an error in attempting to apply this result to the squaring of the circle.''' ** Note: if you have a line of length a and another line twice as long (of length 2a), then the mean proportionals x and y (between these two lengths) are <u>defined</u> by the relation a/x = x/y = y/2a, and if x³=2a³, then x will be the solution for doubling (duplicating) the cube a³ with side of length a. ** p. 25. * '''In his study of the quadrature and duplication-problems, Hippocrates contributed much to the geometry of the circle.''' ** p. 25. * The subject of [[w:Similarity (geometry)|similar figures]] was studied and partly developed by Hippocrates. This involved the theory of [[w:Proportionality_(mathematics)|proportion]]. '''Proportion had, thus far, been used by the Greeks only in numbers. They never succeeded in uniting the notions of numbers and magnitudes. The term "number" was used by them in a restricted sense. What we call [[w:Irrational number|irrational numbers]] was not included under this notion. Not even rational fractions were called numbers. They used the word in the same sense as we use "[[w:Integer|integers]]." Hence numbers were conceived as ''discontinuous'', while magnitudes were ''continuous''. The two notions appeared, therefore, entirely distinct.''' The chasm between them is exposed to full view in the statement of Euclid that "incommensurable magnitudes do not have the same ratio as numbers." '''In Euclid's ''Elements'' we find the theory of proportion of magnitudes developed and treated independent of that of numbers. The transfer of the theory of proportion from numbers to magnitudes (and to lengths in particular) was a difficult and important step.''' ** p. 26. * '''The Sophist [[w:Antiphon (person)|Antiphon]]''', a contemporary of [[w:Hippocrates of Chios|Hippocrates]], '''introduced the [[w:Method of exhaustion|''process'' of exhaustion]] for the purpose of solving the problem of the [[w:Squaring the circle|quadrature]].''' He did himself credit by remarking that by inscribing in a circle a square, and on its sides erecting isosceles triangles with their vertices in the circumference, and on the sides of these triangles erecting new triangles, etc., '''one could obtain a succession of regular polygons of 8, 16, 32, 64 sides, and so on, of which each approaches nearer to the circle than the previous one, until the circle is finally ''exhausted''. Thus is obtained an inscribed polygon whose sides coincide with the circumference. Since there can be found squares equal in area to any polygon, there also can be found a square equal to the last polygon inscribed, and therefore equal to the circle itself.''' ** p. 26. * '''[[w:Bryson of Heraclea|Bryson of Heraclea]]''', a contemporary of Antiphon, '''advanced the problem of the quadrature considerably by circumscribing polygons at the same time that he inscribed polygons.''' He erred, however, in assuming that the area of a circle was the arithmetical mean between circumscribed and inscribed polygons. ** p. 27. * '''Unlike Bryson and the rest of Greek geometers, Antiphon seems to have believed it possible, by continually doubling the sides of an inscribed polygon, to obtain a polygon coinciding with the circle. This question gave rise to lively disputes in Athens. If a polygon can coincide with the circle, then, says [[w:Simplicius of Cilicia|Simplicius]], we must put aside the notion that magnitudes are divisible ''ad infinitum''. Aristotle always supported the theory of the infinite divisibility, while [[w:Zeno of Elea|Zeno]], the Stoic, attempted to show its absurdity by proving that if magnitudes are infinitely divisible, motion is impossible.''' Zeno argues that [[w:Zeno's_paradoxes#Achilles_and_the_tortoise|Achilles could not overtake a tortoise]]; for while he hastened to the place where the tortoise had been when he started, the tortoise crept some distance ahead, and while Achilles reached that second spot, the tortoise again moved forward a little, and so on. Thus the tortoise was always in advance of Achilles. '''Such arguments greatly confounded Greek geometers. No wonder they were deterred by such paradoxes from introducing the idea of [[infinity]] into their geometry. It did not suit the rigour of their proofs.''' ** Note: Henry Mendell writes in [http://www.calstatela.edu/faculty/hmendel/Ancient%20Mathematics/Philosophical%20Texts/Antiphon/Antiphon.html#Simplicius ''Antiphon's Squaring of the Circle''] that Simplicius' ''On Aristotle's Physics'' was the principal source for Antiphon. ** p. 27. * '''The process of Antiphon and Bryson gave rise to the cumbrous but perfectly rigorous "[[w:Method of exhaustion|method of exhaustion]]."''' In determining the ratio of the areas between two curvilinear plane figures, say two circles, geometers first inscribed or circumscribed similar polygons, and then by increasing indefinitely the number of sides, nearly exhausted the spaces between the polygons and circumferences. '''From the theorem that similar polygons inscribed in circles are to each other as the squares on their diameters, geometers may have divined the theorem attributed to Hippocrates of Chios that the circles, which differ but little from the last drawn polygons, must be to each other as the squares on their diameters. But in order to exclude all vagueness and possibility of doubt, later Greek geometers applied reasoning like that in [http://aleph0.clarku.edu/~djoyce/java/elements/bookXII/propXII2.html Euclid XII. 2]'''... ** p. 27. * [[w:Hermann Hankel|Hankel]] refers this Method of Exhaustion back to Hippocrates of Chios but the reasons for assigning it to this early writer rather than to Eudoxus seem insufficient. ** p. 28. ======The Platonic School====== * During the [[w:Peloponnesian War|Peloponnesian War]] (431-404 B.C.) the progress of [[geometry]] was checked. After the war, Athens sank into the background as a minor political power, but advanced more and more to the front as the leader in philosophy, literature, and science. ** p. 29. * [[Plato]] was born at Athens in 429 B.C., the year of the [[w:Plague of Athens|great plague]], and died in 348. He was a pupil and near friend of [[Socrates]], but it was not from him that he acquired his taste for mathematics. After the death of Socrates, Plato traveled extensively. In [[w:Cyrene, Libya|Cyrene]] he studied mathematics under [[w:Theodorus of Cyrene|Theodoras]]. He went to Egypt, then to Lower Italy and Sicily, where he came in contact with the Pythagoreans. Archytas of Tarentum and [[w:Timaeus of Locri|Timæus of Locri]] became his intimate friends. On his return to Athens, about 389 B.C., he founded his school in the groves of the [[w:Old_Academy#Site|''Academia'']], and devoted the remainder of his life to teaching and writing. ** p. 29. * '''Plato's physical philosophy is partly based on that of the Pythagoreans. Like them, he sought in [[arithmetic]] and [[geometry]] the key to the universe. When questioned about the occupation of the Deity, Plato answered that "He geometrises continually."''' Accordingly, a knowledge of geometry is a necessary preparation for the study of philosophy. To show how great a value he put on mathematics and how necessary it is for higher speculation, '''Plato placed the inscription over his porch, "Let no one who is unacquainted with geometry enter here."''' ** p. 29. * '''Plato observed that geometry trained the mind for correct and vigorous thinking.''' Hence it was that '''the ''Eudemian Summary'' says, "He filled his writings with mathematical discoveries, and exhibited on every occasion the remarkable connection between mathematics and philosophy."''' ** p. 30. * With Plato as the head-master, we need not wonder that the Platonic school produced so large a number of mathematicians. '''Plato did little real original work, but he made valuable improvements in the logic and methods employed in geometry.''' It is true that '''the Sophist geometers''' of the previous century were rigorous in their proofs, but as a rule they did not reflect on the inward nature of their methods. They '''used the axioms without giving them explicit expression, and the geometrical concepts, such as the point, line, surface, etc., without assigning to them formal definitions.''' The Pythagoreans called a point "unity in position," but this is a statement of a philosophical theory rather than a definition. '''Plato''' objected to calling a point a "geometrical fiction." He '''defined a point as "the beginning of a line" or as "an indivisible line," and a line as "length without breadth." He called the point, line, surface, the 'boundaries' of the line, surface, solid, respectively. Many of the definitions in Euclid are to be ascribed to the Platonic school. The same is probably true of Euclid's axioms.''' Aristotle refers to Plato the axiom that "equals subtracted from equals leave equals." ** p. 30. * '''One of the greatest achievements of Plato and his school is the invention of [[w:Analysis|''analysis'']] as a method of proof.''' To be sure, this method had been used unconsciously by Hippocrates and others; but Plato, like a true philosopher, turned the instinctive logic into a conscious, legitimate method. ** p. 30. * '''The terms ''synthesis'' and ''analysis'' are used in mathematics in a more special sense than in logic. In ancient mathematics they had a different meaning from what they now have. The oldest definition of [[mathematical analysis]] as opposed to synthesis is that given in [[w:Euclid's Elements|Euclid]], XIII. 5, which in all probability was framed by [[w:Eudoxus of Cnidus|Eudoxus]]: "Analysis is the obtaining of the thing sought by assuming it and so reasoning up to an admitted truth; synthesis is the obtaining of the thing sought by reasoning up to the inference and proof of it."''' ** p. 30. * '''The analytic method is not conclusive, unless all operations involved in it are known to be reversible. To remove all doubt, the Greeks, as a rule added to the analytic process a synthetic one, consisting of a reversion of all operations occurring in the analysis. Thus the aim of analysis was to aid in the discovery of synthetic proofs or solutions.''' ** p. 31. * Plato is said to have solved the problem of the duplication of the cube. But the solution is open to the very same objection which he made to the solutions by Archytas, Eudoxus, and [[w:Menaechmus|Menæchmus]]. '''He called their solutions not geometrical, but mechanical for they required the use of other instruments than the ruler and compass. He said that thereby "the good of geometry is set aside and destroyed, for we again reduce it to the world of sense, instead of elevating and imbuing it with the eternal and incorporeal images of thought, even as it is employed by God, for which reason He always is God."''' These objections indicate either that the solution is wrongly attributed to Plato or that he wished to show how easily non-geometric solutions of that character can be found. ** p. 31. * It is now generally admitted that the duplication problem, as well as the trisection and quadrature problems, cannot be solved by means of the ruler and compass only. ** p. 31. * '''Plato gave a healthful stimulus to the study of [[w:Solid geometry|stereometry]]''' [solid geometry]''', which until his time had been entirely neglected. The sphere and the regular solids had been studied to some extent, but the prism, pyramid, cylinder, and cone were hardly known to exist.''' All these solids became the subjects of investigation by the Platonic school. ** p. 31 [[File:AcRtObtCones.jpg|right|440px|{{center/s}}Acute, right and obtuse cones{{center/e}}]] * '''One result of these inquiries was epoch-making. [[w:Menaechmus|Menæchmus]]''', an associate of Plato and pupil of Eudoxus, '''invented the [[w:Conic section|conic sections]], which, in course of only a century, raised geometry to the loftiest height which it was destined to reach during antiquity.''' Menæchmus cut three kinds of cones, the 'right angled,' 'acute angled,' and 'obtuse [[w:Angle#Types_of_angles|angled]],' by planes at right angles to a side of the cones, and thus obtained the three sections which we now call the parabola, ellipse, and hyperbola. '''Judging from the two very elegant solutions of the "[[w:Doubling the cube|Delian Problem]]" by means of intersections of these curves, Menæchmus must have succeeded well in investigating their properties.''' ** p. 32. * Another great geometer was Dinostratus, the brother of Menæchmus and pupil of Plato. Celebrated is his mechanical solution of the quadrature of the circle, by means of the ''quadratrix'' of Hippias. ** p. 32. * '''Perhaps the most brilliant mathematician of this period was [[w:Eudoxus of Cnidus|Eudoxus]].''' He was born at [[w:Knidos|Cnidus]] about 408 B.C., studied under Archytas, and later, for two months, under Plato. '''He was imbued with a true spirit of scientific inquiry, and has been called the father of scientific astronomical observation.''' From the fragmentary notices of his astronomical researches, found in later writers, [[w:Christian Ludwig Ideler|Ideler]] and [[w:Giovanni Schiaparelli|Schiaparelli]] succeeded in reconstructing the system of Eudoxus with its celebrated representation of planetary motions by "concentric spheres." Eudoxus had a school at [[w:Cyzicus|Cyzicus]], went with his pupils to Athens, visiting Plato, and then returned to Cyzicus, where he died 355 B.C. ** p. 32. * '''The fame of the academy of Plato is to a large extent due to Eudoxus's pupils of the school at Cyzicus''', among whom are Menaechmus, Dinostratus, Athenaeus, and Helicon. ** p. 32. * Diogenes Laertius describes Eudoxus as astronomer, physician, legislator, as well as geometer. ** p. 32. * The ''Eudemian Summary'' says that '''Eudoxus''' "first increased the number of general theorems, added to the three proportions three more, and '''raised to a considerable quantity the learning, begun by Plato, on''' the subject of the section, to which he applied the analytical method." By this 'section' is meant, no doubt, '''the [[w:Golden ratio|"golden section"]] (''sectio aurea'')''', which cuts a line in extreme and mean ratio. '''The first five propositions in [http://aleph0.clarku.edu/~djoyce/java/elements/bookXIII/bookXIII.html Euclid XIII]. relate to lines cut by this section, and are generally attributed to Eudoxus.''' ** p. 32. * '''Eudoxus added much to the knowledge of solid geometry. He proved''', says Archimedes, '''that a [[w:Pyramid_(geometry)|pyramid]] is exactly one-third of a prism, and a cone one-third of a cylinder, having equal base and altitude. The proof that [[w:Sphere|spheres]] are to each other as the cubes of their radii is probably due to him. He made frequent and skilful use of the [[w:Method of exhaustion|method of exhaustion]], of which he was in all probability the inventor.''' ** p. 33. * '''A [[wiktionary:scholiast#Noun|scholiast]] on Euclid, thought to be Proclus, says that Eudoxus practically invented the whole of Euclid's fifth book.''' <!--Eudoxus also found two mean proportionals between two given lines, but the method of solution is not known.--> ** p. 33. * '''Plato has been called a maker of mathematicians.''' Besides the pupils already named, the ''Eudemian Summary'' mentions the following: [[w:Theaetetus (mathematician)|Theaetetus of Athens]], a man of great natural gifts, to whom, no doubt, Euclid was greatly indebted in the composition of the 10th book, treating of [[w:Commensurability_(mathematics)|incommensurables]]; Leodamas of Thasos; Neocleides and his pupil Leon, who added much to the work of their predecessors, for Leon wrote an ''Elements'' carefully designed, both in number and utility of its proofs; [[w:Theudius|Theudius of Magnesia]], who composed a very good book of ''Elements'' and generalised propositions, which had been confined to particular cases; Hermotimus of Colophon, who discovered many propositions of the ''Elements'' and composed some on [[w:Locus_(mathematics)|''loci'']]; and finally the names of Amyclas of Heraclea, [[w:Athenaeus_of_Cyzicus|Cyzicenus of Athens]], and [[w:Philip of Opus|Philippus of Mende]]. ** p. 33. * A skilful mathematician of whose life and works we have no details is [[w:Aristaeus the Elder|Aristæus, the elder]], probably a senior contemporary of Euclid. The fact that he wrote a work on conic sections tends to show that much progress had been made in their study during the time of Menæchmus. Aristaeus wrote also on regular solids and cultivated the analytic method. His works contained probably a summary of the researches of the Platonic school. ** p. 34. * '''[[Aristotle]]''' (384-322 B.C.), the systematiser of deductive logic, though not a professed mathematician, '''promoted the science of [[geometry]] by improving some of the most difficult definitions.''' His ''Physics'' contains passages with suggestive hints of the principle of virtual velocities. About this time there appeared a work called ''Mechanica'', of which he is regarded by some as the author. '''Mechanics was totally neglected by the Platonic school.''' ** p. 34. ======The First Alexandrian School====== * [There are] other works with texts more or less complete and generally attributed to [[Euclid]]. ...His treatise on ''Porisms'' is lost, but much learning has been expended by [[w:Robert Simson|Robert Simson]] and [[w:Michel Chasles|M. Chasles]] in restoring it from numerous notes found in the writings of [[Pappus]]. The term "porism" is vague in meaning. According to Proclus the aim of a porism is not to state some property or truth, like a theorem, nor to effect a construction, like a problem, but to find and bring to view a thing which necessarily exists with given numbers or a given construction, as, to find the centre of a given circle, or to find the [[w:Greatest common divisor|G.C.D.]] of two given numbers. Porisms, according to Chasles, are incomplete theorems, "expressing certain relations between things variable according to a common law." ** p. 33. * We have seen the birth of [[geometry]] in Egypt, its transference to the Ionian Islands, thence to Lower Italy and to Athens. We have witnessed its growth in Greece from feeble childhood to vigorous manhood, and now we shall see it return to the land of its birth and there derive new vigour. ** p. 34. * In 338 B.C., at the [[w:Battle_of_Chaeronea_(338_BC)|battle of Chæronea]], Athens was beaten by [[w:Philip II of Macedon|Philip of Macedon]] and her power was broken forever. Soon after, [[Alexander the Great]], the son of Philip, started out to conquer the world. In eleven years he built up a great empire which broke to pieces in a day. Egypt fell to the lot of [[w:Ptolemy I Soter|Ptolemy Soter]]. Alexander had founded the seaport of [[w:History of Alexandria|Alexandria]], which soon became "the noblest of all cities." Ptolemy made Alexandria the capital. The history of Egypt during the next three centuries is mainly the history of Alexandria. Literature, philosophy, and art were diligently cultivated. Ptolemy created the university of Alexandria. He founded the great Library and built laboratories, museums, a zoological garden, and promenades. Alexandria soon became the great centre of learning. ** p. 34. * [[w:Demetrius of Phalerum|Demetrius Phalereus]] was invited from Athens to take charge of the Library, and it is probable, says [[w:A. S. F. Gow|Gow]], that Euclid was invited with him to open the mathematical school. ** p. 35. * Euclid's greatest activity was during the time of the [[w:Ptolemy I Soter|first Ptolemy]], who reigned from 306 to 283 B.C. Of the life of Euclid, little is known, except what is added by Proclus to the ''Eudemian Summary''. ** p. 35. * '''[[Euclid]]''', says Proclus, was younger than Plato and older than [[W:Eratosthenes|Eratosthenes]] and [[Archimedes]], the latter of whom mentions him. He '''was of the [[w:Platonism|Platonic sect]], and well read in its doctrines. He collected the ''Elements''''', put in order much that [[w:Eudoxus_of_Cnidus|Eudoxus]] had prepared, completed many things of [[w:Theaetetus (mathematician)|Theætetus]], '''and was the first who reduced to unobjectionable demonstration the imperfect attempts of his predecessors.''' ** p. 35. * When Ptolemy once asked Euclid if [[geometry]] could not be mastered by an easier process than by studying the ''Elements'', Euclid returned the answer, "There is no royal road to geometry." ** p. 35. * [[w:Pappus of Alexandria|Pappus]] states that Euclid was distinguished by the fairness and kindness of his disposition, particularly toward those who could do anything to advance the mathematical sciences. Pappus is evidently making a contrast to [[w:Apollonius of Perga|Apollonius]], of whom he more than insinuates the opposite character. ** p. 35. * A pretty little story is related by [[w:Stobaeus|Stobæus]]: "A youth who had begun to read geometry with Euclid, when he had learnt the first proposition, inquired, 'What do I get by learning these things?' So Euclid called his slave and said, 'Give him threepence, since he must make gain out of what he learns.'" ** p. 35. * It is a remarkable fact in the history of geometry, that the ''Elements'' of Euclid, written two thousand years ago, are still regarded by many as the best introduction to the mathematical sciences. ** p. 36. * '''Comparatively few of the propositions and proofs in the ''Elements'' are his''' [Euclid's] '''own discoveries. In fact, the proof of the "Theorem of Pythagoras" is the only one directly ascribed to him.''' [[w:George Johnston Allman|Allman]] conjectures that the substance of Books I., II., IV. comes from the Pythagoreans, that the substance of Book VI. is due to the Pythagoreans and Eudoxus, the latter contributing the [[Doctrine_of_proportion_(mathematics)|doctrine of proportion]] as applicable to [[w:Commensurability|incommensurables]] and also the Method of Exhaustions (Book VII.), that Thætetus contributed much toward Books X. and XIII., that '''the principal part of the original work of Euclid himself is to be found in Book X.''' ** p. 36. * Euclid was the greatest systematiser of his time. By careful selection from the material before him, and by logical arrangement of the propositions selected, he built up, from a few definitions and axioms, a proud and lofty structure. It would be erroneous to believe that he incorporated into his ''Elements'' all the elementary theorems known at his time. '''Archimedes, Apollonius, and even he himself refer to theorems not included in his ''Elements'', as being well-known truths.''' ** p. 37. * Among the manuscripts sent by [[Napoleon I of France|Napoleon I.]] from the Vatican to Paris was found a copy of the ''Elements'' believed to be anterior to [[w:Theon of Alexandria|Theon's]] [[wiktionary:recension#Noun|recension]]. Many variations from Theon's version were noticed therein, but they were not at all important, and showed that Theon generally made only verbal changes. The defects in the ''Elements'' for which Theon was blamed must, therefore, be due to Euclid himself. ** p. 37. * '''The ''Elements'' has been considered as offering models of scrupulously rigorous demonstrations. It is certainly true that in point of rigour it compares favourably with its modern rivals; but when examined in the light of strict mathematical logic, it has been pronounced by [[C.S. Peirce]] to be "riddled with fallacies." The results are correct only because the writer's experience keeps him on his guard.''' ** ''Compare [[w:G. B. Halstead|George Bruce Halstead]] quote under [[Euclid#Quotes_about_Euclid|Quotes about Euclid]]'' ** p. 37. * '''The term [[w:Axiom|'axiom']] was used by Proclus, but not by Euclid. He speaks, instead, of 'common notions'—common either to all men or to all sciences.''' ** p. 38. * '''There has been much controversy among ancient and modern critics on the postulates and axioms. An immense preponderance of manuscripts and the testimony of Proclus place the 'axioms' about ''right angles'' and ''parallels'' (Axioms 11 and 12) among the [[w:Axiom#Historical_development|postulates]]. This is indeed their proper place, for they are really ''assumptions'', and not ''common notions'' or axioms.''' ** p. 38. * The postulate about ''parallels'' plays an important role in the history of [[w:Non-Euclidean geometry|non-Euclidean geometry]]. ** p. 38. * '''The only postulate which Euclid missed was the one of superposition, according to which figures can be moved about in space without any alteration in form or magnitude.''' ** p. 38. * The Elements contains thirteen books by Euclid, and two, of which it is supposed that [[w:Hypsicles|Hypsicles]] and [[w:Damascius|Damascius]] are the authors. The first four books are on plane geometry. The fifth book treats of the theory of proportion as applied to magnitudes in general. The sixth book develops the geometry of similar figures. The seventh, eighth, ninth books are on the theory of numbers, or on arithmetic. In the ninth book is found the proof to the theorem that the number of primes is infinite. The tenth book treats of the theory of incommensurables. The next three books are on [[W:Solid geometry|stereometry]]. The eleventh contains its more elementary theorems; the twelfth, the metrical relations of the pyramid, prism, cone, cylinder, and sphere. The thirteenth treats of the regular polygons, especially of the triangle and pentagon, and then uses them as faces of the five regular solids; namely the tetraedron, octaedron, icosaedron, cube, and dodecaedron. ** p. 38. * '''The regular solids were studied so extensively by the Platonists that they received the name of "Platonic figures."''' The statement of Proclus that the whole aim of Euclid in writing the ''Elements'' was to arrive at the construction of the regular solids, is obviously wrong. The fourteenth and fifteenth books, treating of solid geometry, are [[wiktionary:apocryphal|apocryphal]]. ** p. 38. * '''A remarkable feature of Euclid's, and of all Greek geometry before Archimedes is that it [[wiktionary:eschew#Verb|eschews]] [[w:Measurement|mensuration]]. Thus the theorem that the area of a triangle equals half the product of its base and its altitude is foreign to Euclid.''' ** p. 39. * '''Another extant book of Euclid is the ''Data'''''. It seems to have been written for those who, having completed the ''Elements'', wish to acquire the power of solving new problems proposed to them. The ''Data'' is '''a course of practice in [[w:Analysis#Mathematics|''analysis'']].''' It contains little or nothing that an intelligent student could not pick up from the ''Elements'' itself. ** p. 39. * '''The following are the other extant works generally attributed to Euclid:''' ''Phœnomena'', a work on spherical geometry and astronomy; ''Optics'', which develops the hypothesis that light proceeds from the eye, and not from the object seen; ''Catoptrica'', containing propositions on reflections from mirrors; ''De Divisionibus'', a treatise on the division of plane figures into parts having to one another a given ratio; ''Sectio Canonis'', a work on musical intervals. ** p. 39. * His [Euclid's] treatise on ''Porisms'' is lost; but much learning has been expended by [[w:Robert Simson|Robert Simson]] and [[w:Michel Chasles|M. Chasles]] in restoring it from numerous notes found in the writings of Pappus. The term [[w:Porism|''porism'']] is vague in meaning. The aim of a porism is not to state some property or truth, like a theorem, nor to effect a construction, like a problem, but to find and bring to view a thing which necessarily exists with given numbers or a given construction, as, to find the centre of a given circle, or to find the [[w:Greatest common divisor|G.C.D.]] of two given numbers. His other lost works are ''Fallacies'', containing exercises in detection of fallacies; ''Conic Sections'', in four books, which are the foundation of a work on the same subject by Apollonius; and ''Loci on a Surface'', the meaning of which title is not understood. [[w:Johan Ludvig Heiberg (historian)|Heiberg]] believes it to mean "loci which are surfaces." ** p. 39. * The immediate successors of Euclid in the mathematical school at Alexandria were probably Conon, Dositheus, and Zeuxippus, but little is known of them. ** p. 40. * Archimedes was admired by his fellow-citizens chiefly for his mechanical inventions; he himself prized far more highly his discoveries in pure science. He declared that "every kind of art which was connected with daily needs was ignoble and vulgar." Some of his works have been lost. The following are the extant books, arranged approximately in chronological order: 1. Two books on ''Equiponderance of Planes'' or ''Centres of Plane Gravities'', between which is inserted his treatise on the ''Quadrature of the Parabola''; 2. Two books on the ''Sphere'' and ''Cylinder''; 3. The ''Measurement of the Circle''; 4. ''On Spirals''; 5. ''Conoids'' and ''Spheroids''; 6. The ''Sand-Counter''; 7. Two books on ''Floating Bodies''; 8. Fifteen ''Lemmas''. ** p. 41. * In the book on the ''Measurement of the Circle'', Archimedes proves first that the area of a circle is equal to that of a right triangle having the length of the circumference for its base, and the radius for its altitude. In this he assumes that there exists a straight line equal in length to the circumference -- an assumption objected to by some ancient critics, on the ground that it is not evident that a straight line can equal a curved one. The finding of such a line was the next problem. He first finds an upper limit to the ratio of the circumference to the diameter, or &pi;. To do this, he starts with an equilateral triangle of which the base is a tangent and the vertex is the centre of the circle. By successively bisecting the angle at the centre, by comparing ratios, and by taking the irrational square roots always a little too small, he finally arrived at the conclusion that &pi; < 3 1/7. Next he finds a lower limit by inscribing in the circle regular polygons of 6, 12, 24, 48, 96 sides, finding for each successive polygon its perimeter, which is, of course, always less than the circumference. Thus he finally concludes that "the circumference of a circle exceeds three times its diameter by a part which is less than 1/7 but more than 10/71 of the diameter." This approximation is exact enough for most purposes. ** p. 41. * The ''Quadrature of the Parabola'' contains two solutions to the problem -- one mechanical, the other geometrical. The method of exhaustion is used in both. ** p. 42. * Archimedes studied also the ellipse and accomplished its quadrature, but to the hyperbola he seems to have paid less attention. It is believed that he wrote a book on conic sections. ** p. 42. * Of all his discoveries Archimedes prized most highly those in his ''Sphere and Cylinder''. In it are proved the new theorems, that the surface of a sphere is equal to four times a great circle; that the surface of a segment of a sphere is equal to a circle whose radius is the straight line drawn from the vertex of the segment to the circumference of its basal circle; that the volume and the surface of a sphere are 2/3 of the volume and surface, respectively, of the cylinder circumscribed about the sphere. Archimedes desired that the figure to the last proposition be inscribed on his tomb. This was ordered done by [[w:Marcus Claudius Marcellus|Marcellus]]. ** p. 42. * The [[w:Spiral|spiral]] now called the "spiral of Archimedes," and described in the book ''On Spirals'', was discovered by Archimedes, and not, as some believe, by his friend Conon. His treatise thereon is, perhaps the most wonderful of all his works. Nowadays, subjects of this kind are made easy by the use of the infinitesimal calculus. In its stead the ancients used the method of exhaustion. Nowhere is the fertility of his genius more grandly displayed than in his masterly use of this method. With Euclid and his predecessors the method of exhaustion was only the means of proving propositions which must have been seen and believed before they were proved. But in the hands of Archimedes it became an instrument of discovery. ** p. 42. * By the word '[[w:Conoid|conoid]],' in his book on ''Conoids and Spheroids'', is meant the solid produced by the revolution of a parabola or a hyperbola about its axis. [[w:Spheroid|Spheroids]] are produced by the revolution of an ellipse, and are long or flat, according as the ellipse revolves around the major or minor axis. The book leads up to the cubature of these solids. ** p. 43. * Archimedes is the author of the first sound knowledge on mechanics. Archytas, Aristotle, and others attempted to form the known mechanical truths into a science, but failed. Aristotle knew the property of the lever, but could not establish its true mathematical theory. The radical and fatal defect in the speculations of the Greeks, says [[William Whewell|Whewell]], was "that though they had in their possession facts and ideas, ''the ideas were not distinct and appropriate to the facts''." For instance, Aristotle asserted that when a body at the end of a lever is moving, it may be considered as having two motions; one in the direction of the tangent and one in the direction of the radius; the former motion is, he says, ''according to nature'', the latter ''contrary to nature''. These inappropriate notions of 'natural' and 'unnatural' motions, together with the habits of thought which dictated these speculations, made the perception of the true grounds of mechanical properties impossible. It seems strange that even after Archimedes had entered upon the right path, this science should have remained absolutely stationary till the time of [[Galileo Galilei|Galileo]] -- a period of nearly two thousand years. ** p. 43. * The proof of the property of the lever, given in his ''Equiponderance of Planes'', holds its place in text-books to this day. His [Archimedes'] estimate of the efficiency of the lever is expressed in the saying attributed to him, "Give me a fulcrum on which to rest, and I will move the earth." ** p. 43. * While the ''Equiponderance'' treats of solids, or the equilibrium of solids, the book on ''Floating Bodies'' treats of hydrostatics. His [Archimedes'] attention was first drawn to the subject of specific gravity when King Hieron asked him to test whether a crown, professed by the maker to be pure gold, was not alloyed with silver. The story goes that our philosopher was in a bath when the true method of solution flashed on his mind. He immediately ran home, naked, shouting, "I have found it." To solve the problem, he took a piece of gold and a piece of silver, each weighing the same as the crown. According to one author, he determined the volume of water displaced by the gold, silver, and crown respectively, and calculated from that the amount of gold and silver in the crown. According to another writer, he weighed separately the gold, silver, and crown, while immersed in water, thereby determining their loss of weight in water. From these data he easily found the solution. It is possible that Archimedes solved the problem by both methods. ** p. 44. * After examining the writings of Archimedes, one can well understand how, in ancient times, an 'Archimedean problem' came to mean a problem too deep for ordinary minds to solve, and how an 'Archimedean proof' came to be the synonym for unquestionable certainty. Archimedes wrote on a very wide range of subjects, and displayed great profundity in each. He is the Newton of antiquity. ** p. 44. * Eratosthenes, eleven years younger than Archimedes, was a native of Cyrene. He was educated in Alexandria under Callimachus the poet, whom he succeeded as custodian of the Alexandrian Library. His many-sided activity may be inferred from his works. He wrote on ''Good and Evil'', ''Measurement of the Earth'', ''Comedy'', ''Geography'', ''Chronology'', ''Constellations'', and the ''Duplication of the Cube''. He was also a [[wiktionary:philology|philologian]] and a poet. He measured the [[w:Obliquity of the ecliptic|obliquity of the ecliptic]] and invented a device for finding prime numbers. Of his geometrical writings we possess only a letter to Ptolemy Euergetes, giving a history of the duplication problem and also the description of a very ingenious mechanical contrivance of his own to solve it. In his old age he lost his eyesight, and on that account is said to have committed suicide by voluntary starvation. ** p. 44. * About forty years after Archimedes flourished, Apollonius of Perga's genius nearly equalled that of his great predecessor. He incontestably occupies the second place in distinction among ancient mathematicians. Apollonius was born in the reign of Ptolemy Euergetes and died under Ptolemy Philopator, who reigned 222-205 B.C. He studied at Alexandria under the successors of Euclid, and for some time, also, at Pergamum, where he made the acquaintance of that Eudemus to whom he dedicated the first three books of his ''Conic Sections''. The brilliancy of his great work brought him the title of the "Great Geometer." This is all that is known of his life. ** p. 45. * Apollonius' ''Conic Sections'' were in eight books, of which the first four only have come down to us in the original Greek. The next three books were unknown in Europe till the middle of the seventeenth century, when an Arabic translation, made about 1250, was discovered. The eighth book has never been found. In 1710 Halley of Oxford published the Greek text of the first four books and a Latin translation of the remaining three, together with his conjectural restoration of the eighth book, founded on the introductory lemmas of Pappus. The first four books contain little more than the substance of what earlier geometers had done. ** p. 45. * [[w:Eutocius_of_Ascalon|Eutocius]] tells us that Heraclides, in his life of Archimedes, accused Apollonius of having appropriated, in his ''Conic Sections'', the unpublished discoveries of that great mathematician. It is difficult to believe that this charge rests upon good foundation. Eutocius quotes [[w:Geminus|Geminus]] as replying that neither Archimedes nor Apollonius claimed to have invented the conic sections, but that Apollonius had introduced a real improvement. While the first three or four books were founded on the works of Menæchmus, Aristæus, Euclid, and Archimedes, the remaining ones consisted almost entirely of new matter. ** p. 45. * The preface of the second book [of ''Conic Sections''] is interesting as showing the mode in which Greek books were 'published' at this time. It reads thus: "I have sent my son Apollonius to bring you (Eudemus) the second book of my Conics. Read it carefully and communicate it to such others as are worthy of it. ** p. 46. * The first book [of ''Conic Sections''], says Apollonius in his preface to it, "contains the mode of producing the three sections and the conjugate hyperbolas and their principal characteristics, more fully and generally worked out than in the writings of other authors." We remember that Menæchmus, and all his successors down to Apollonius, considered only sections of ''right'' cones by a plane perpendicular to their sides, and that the three sections were obtained each from a different cone. Apollonius introduced an important generalisation. He produced all the sections from one and the same cone, whether right or scalene, and by sections which may or may not be perpendicular to its sides. The old names for the three curves were now no longer applicable. Instead of calling the three curves, sections of the 'acute angled,' 'right angled,' and 'obtuse angled' cone, he called them ''ellipse'', ''parabola'', and ''hyperbola'', respectively. To be sure, we find the words 'parabola' and 'ellipse' in the works of Archimedes, but they are probably only interpolations. The word 'ellipse' was applied because y² &lt; px, p being the parameter; the word 'parabola' was introduced because y² = px, and the term 'hyperbola' because y² &gt; px. ** p. 46. * The first book of the ''Conic Sections'' of Apollonius is almost wholly devoted to the generation of the three principal conic sections. The second book treats mainly of asymptotes, axes, and diameters. The third book treats of the equality or proportionality of triangles, rectangles, or squares, of which the component parts are determined by portions of [[w:Transversal_(geometry)|transversals]], [[w:Chord (geometry)|chords]], [[w:Asymptote|asymptotes]], or [[w:Tangent|tangents]], which are frequently subject to a great number of conditions. It also touches the subject of foci of the ellipse and hyperbola. In the fourth book, Apollonius discusses the harmonic division of straight lines. He also examines a system of two conics, and shows that they cannot cut each other in more than four points. He investigates the various possible relative positions of two conics, as, for instance, when they have one or two points of contact with each other. The fifth book reveals better than any other the giant intellect of its author. Difficult questions of ''maxima and minima'', of which few examples are found in earlier works, are here treated most exhaustively. The subject investigated is, to find the longest and shortest lines that can be drawn from a given point to a conic. Here are also found the germs of the subject of [[w:Evolute|''evolutes'']] and ''centres of [[w:Osculating circle|osculation]]''. The sixth book is on the similarity of conies. The seventh book is on conjugate diameters. The eighth book, as restored by [[w:Edmond_Halley|Halley]], continues the subject of conjugate diameters. ** p. 48. * It is worthy of notice that Apollonius nowhere introduces the notion of [[w:Conic_section#Eccentricity.2C_focus_and_directrix|''directrix'']] for a conic, and that, though he incidentally discovered the <i>focus</i> of an ellipse and hyperbola, he did not discover the focus of a parabola. Conspicuous in his [[geometry]] is also the absence of technical terms and symbols, which renders the proofs long and cumbrous. ** p. 49. * The discoveries of Archimedes and Apollonius, says [[w:Michel_Chasles|M. Chasles]], marked the most brilliant epoch of ancient geometry. Two questions which have occupied geometers of all periods may be regarded as having originated with them. The first of these is the quadrature of curvilinear figures, which gave birth to the infinitesimal calculus. The second is the theory of conic sections, which was the prelude to the theory of geometrical curves of all degrees, and to that portion of geometry which considers only the forms and situations of figures, and uses only the intersection of lines and surfaces and the ratios of rectilineal distances. These two great divisions of geometry may be designated by the names of ''Geometry of Measurements'' and ''Geometry of Forms and Situations'', or, Geometry of Archimedes and of Apollonius. ** p. 49. * Besides the ''Conic Sections'', Pappus ascribes to Apollonius the following works: ''On Contacts'', ''Plane Loci'', ''Inclinations'', ''Section of an Area'', ''Determinate Section'', and gives lemmas from which attempts have been made to restore the lost originals. Two books on ''De Sectione Rationis'' have been found in the Arabic. The book on ''Contacts'' as restored by Vieta, contains the so-called "Apollonian Problem:" Given three circles, to find a fourth which shall touch the three. ** p. 49. * Euclid, Archimedes, and Apollonius brought geometry to as high a state of perfection as it perhaps could be brought without first introducing some more general and more powerful method than the old method of exhaustion. A briefer symbolism, a Cartesian geometry, an infinitesimal calculus, were needed. The Greek mind was not adapted to the invention of general methods. Instead of a climb to still loftier heights we observe, therefore, on the part of later Greek geometers, a descent during which they paused here and there to look around for details which had been passed by in the hasty ascent. ** p. 50. * Among the earliest successors of Apollonius was [[w:Nicomedes_(mathematician)|Nicomedes]]. Nothing definite is known of him, except that he invented the [[w:Conchoid_(mathematics)|''conchoid'']] (mussel-like). He devised a little machine by which the curve could be easily described. With aid of the conchoid he duplicated the cube. The curve can also be used for trisecting angles in a way much resembling that in the eighth lemma of Archimedes. Proclus ascribes this mode of trisection to Nicomedes, but Pappus, on the other hand, claims it as his own. The conchoid was used by Newton in constructing curves of the third degree. ** p. 50. * About the time of Nicomedes, flourished also Diocles, the inventor of the [[w:Cissoid|''cissoid'']] (ivy-like). This curve he used for finding two mean proportionals between two given straight lines. ** p. 50. * [[w:Perseus_(geometer)|Perseus]]... lived some time between 200 and 100 B.C. From [[w:Hero of Alexandria|Heron]] and [[w:Geminus|Geminus]] we learn that he wrote a work on the [[w:Spire|''spire'']], a sort of anchor-ring surface described by Heron as being produced by the revolution of a circle around one of its chords as an axis. The sections of this surface yield peculiar curves called [[w:Spiric_section|''spiral sections'']], which, according to Geminus, were thought out by Perseus. These curves appear to be the same as the [[w:Hippopede|''Hippopede'']] of Eudoxus. ** p. 50. * Probably somewhat later than Perseus lived Zenodorus. He wrote an interesting treatise on a new subject; namely, ''[[wiktionary:isoperimetric|isoperimetrical]] figures''. Fourteen propositions are preserved by Pappus and Theon. Here are a few of them: Of isoperimetrical regular polygons, the one having the largest number of angles has the greatest area; the circle has a greater area than any regular polygon of equal periphery; of all isoperimetrical polygons of <i>n</i> sides, the regular is the greatest; of all solids having surfaces equal in area, the sphere has the greatest volume. ** p. 51. * Hypsicles (between 200 and 100 B.C.) was supposed to be the author of both the fourteenth and fifteenth books of Euclid, but recent critics are of opinion that the fifteenth book was written by an author who lived several centuries after Christ. The fourteenth book contains seven elegant theorems on ''regular solids''. A treatise of Hypsicles on ''Risings'' is of interest because it is the first Greek work giving the division of the circumference into 360 degrees after the fashion of the Babylonians. ** p. 51. * [[w:Hipparchus|Hipparchus of Nicaea]] in Bithynia was the greatest astronomer of antiquity. He established inductively the famous theory of epicycles and eccentrics. As might be expected, he was interested in mathematics, not ''per se'', but only as an aid to astronomical inquiry. No mathematical writings of his are extant, but [[w:Theon_of_Alexandria|Theon of Alexandria]] informs us that Hipparchus originated the science of ''trigonometry'', and that he calculated a "table of [[w:Chord_(geometry)|chords]]" in twelve books. Such calculations must have required a ready knowledge of arithmetical and algebraical operations. ** p. 51. * About 155 B.C. flourished [[w:Hero of Alexandria|Heron the Elder of Alexandria]]. He was the pupil of [[w:Ctesibius|Ctesibius]], who was celebrated for his ingenious mechanical inventions, such as the hydraulic organ, the water clock, and catapult. It is believed by some that Heron was a son of Ctesibius. He exhibited talent of the same order as did his master by the invention of the [[w:Aeolipile|eolipile]] and a curious mechanism known as "Heron's fountain." Great uncertainty exists concerning his writings. Most authorities believe him to be the author of an important ''Treatise on the Dioptra'', of which there exist three manuscript copies, quite dissimilar. But M. Marie thinks that the ''Dioptra'' is the work of [[w:Hero the Younger|''Heron the Younger'']], who lived in the seventh or eighth century after Christ, and that ''Geodesy'', another book supposed to be by Heron, is only a corrupt and defective copy of the former work. ''Dioptra'' contains the important formula for finding the area of a triangle expressed in terms of its sides; its derivation is quite laborious and yet exceedingly ingenious. "It seems to me difficult to believe," says [[w:Michel Chasles|Chasles]], "that so beautiful a theorem should be found in a work so ancient as that of Heron the Elder, without that some Greek geometer should have thought to cite it." Marie lays great stress on this silence of the ancient writers, and argues from it that the true author must be Heron the Younger or some writer much more recent than Heron the Elder. But no reliable evidence has been found that there actually existed a second mathematician by the name of Heron. ** p. 52. * "[[w:Dioptra|Dioptra]]," says [[w:Giovanni Battista Venturi|Venturi]], were instruments which had great resemblance to our modern [[w:Theodolite|theodolites]]. The book ''Dioptra'' is a treatise on geodesy containing solutions, with aid of these instruments, of a large number of questions in [[geometry]], such as to find the distance between two points, of which one only is accessible, or between two points, which are visible but both inaccessible; from a given point to draw a perpendicular to a line which cannot be approached; to find the difference of level between two points; to measure the area of a field without entering it. ** p. 52. * Heron was a practical surveyor. This may account for the fact that his writings bear so little resemblance to those of the Greek authors, who considered it degrading the science to apply geometry to surveying. The character of his geometry is not Grecian but decidedly Egyptian. ...There are ...points of resemblance between Heron's writings and the ancient Ahmes papyrus. Thus Ahmes used unit-fractions exclusively; Heron uses them oftener than other fractions. Like [[w:Ahmes|Ahmes]] and the priests at Edfu, Heron divides complicated figures into simpler ones by drawing auxiliary lines; like them, he shows, throughout, a special fondness for the isosceles trapezoid. The writings of Heron satisfied a practical want, and for that reason were borrowed extensively by other peoples. We find traces of them in Rome, in the Occident during the Middle Ages, and even in India. ** p. 53. * [[w:Geminus|Geminus of Rhodes]] (about 70 B.C.) published an astronomical work still extant. He wrote also a book, now lost, on the ''Arrangement of Mathematics'', which contained many valuable notices of the early history of Greek mathematics. Proclus and [[w:Eutocius of Ascalon|Eutocius]] quote it frequently. ** p. 53. * Dionysodorus of Amisus in Pontus applied the intersection of a parabola and hyperbola to the solution of a problem which Archimedes, in his ''Sphere and Cylinder'', had left incomplete. The problem is "to cut a sphere so that its segments shall be in a given ratio." ** p. 54. ======The Second Alexandrian School====== * The close of the dynasty of the Lagides which ruled Egypt from the time of Ptolemy Soter, the builder of Alexandria, for 300 years; the absorption of Egypt into the Roman Empire; the closer commercial relations between peoples of the East and of the West; the gradual decline of paganism and spread of Christianity,—these events were of far-reaching influence on the progress of the sciences, which then had their home in Alexandria. Alexandria became a commercial and intellectual emporium. Traders of all nations met in her busy streets, and in her magnificent Library, museums, lecture halls, scholars from the East mingled with those of the West; Greeks began to study older literatures and to compare them with their own. In consequence of this interchange of ideas the Greek philosophy became fused with Oriental philosophy. Neo-Pythagoreanism and Neo-Platonism were the names of the modified systems. These stood, for a time, in opposition to Christianity. The study of Platonism and Pythagorean mysticism led to the revival of the theory of numbers. Perhaps the dispersion of the Jews and their introduction to Greek learning helped in bringing about this revival. The theory of numbers became a favourite study. This new line of mathematical inquiry ushered in what we may call a new school. There is no doubt that even now geometry continued to be one of the most important studies in the Alexandrian course. This Second [[w:Alexandrian school|Alexandrian School]] may be said to begin with the Christian era. It was made famous by the names of Claudius Ptolemæus, Diophantus, Pappus, Theon of Smyrna, Theon of Alexandria, Iamblichus, Porphyrius, and others. ** p. 54. * [[w:Serenus of Antinouplis|Serenus of Antissa]] was connected more or less with this [Second Alexandrian] school. He wrote on sections of the cone and cylinder, in two books, one of which treated only of the triangular section of the cone through the apex. He solved the problem, "given a cone (cylinder), to find a cylinder (cone), so that the section of both by the same plane gives similar ellipses." Of particular interest is the following theorem [show figure], which is the foundation of the modern theory of harmonics: If from D we draw DF, cutting the triangle ABC, and choose H on it, so that DE:DF=EH:HF, and if we draw the line AH, then every [[w:Transversal|transversal]] through D, such as DG will be divided by AH, so that DK:DG=KJ:JO. ** p. 55. ===Modern Europe=== ====Newton to Euler==== * In letters which went between me and that most excellent geometer. [[Gottfried Leibniz|G.G. Leibniz]], ten years ago, when I signified that I was in the knowledge of a method of determining maxima and minima, of drawing tangents, and the like, and when I concealed it in transposed letters involving this sentence (Data æquatione, etc., above cited) that most distinguished man wrote back that he had also fallen upon a method of the same kind, and communicated his method, which hardly differed from mine, except in his forms of words and symbols.<!--p.229--> ** [[Isaac Newton]], ''Principia'' (1687) 1st edition, Book II. Prop.7, scholium ====Euler, Lagrange, and Laplace==== * <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Joseph Fourier]]] carried on his elaborate investigations on the propagation of heat in solid bodies, published in 1822 in his work entitled ''La Theorie Analytique de la Chaleur''. This work marks an epoch in the history of mathematical physics. "[[w:Fourier series|Fourier's series]]" constitutes its gem. By this research a long controversy was brought to a close, and the fact established that any arbitrary function can be represented by a [[w:Trigonometric series|trigonometric series]]. The first announcement of this great discovery was made by Fourier in 1807 before the French Academy. The trigonometric series <math>\sum_{n=0}^{n=\infty} (a_n\sin nx+b_n\cos nx)</math> represents the function <math>\phi(x)</math> for every value of <math>x</math> if the coefficients <math>a_n = \frac{1}{\pi}\int_{-\pi}^{\pi}\phi(x) \sin nx\,dx</math>, and <math>b_n</math> be equal to a similar integral. The weak point in Fourier's analysis lies in his failure to prove generally that the trigonometric series actually converges to the value of the function.<!--pp.282-3--> == External links == {{Wikisource}} * [http://books.google.com/books?id=kqQPAAAAYAAJ& ''A History of Mathematics''] (1906, original-1893) {{DEFAULTSORT:History of Mathematics, A}} [[Category:Works about the history of science]] [[Category:History of mathematics]] [[Category:Mathematics books]] 23d4kq0mi6165pjg4g85t7xe7s2yn7e 0 148032 3944728 3926287 2026-05-24T05:01:35Z ~2026-31013-51 3328589 added another quote 3944728 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[:w:Beware the Batman|Beware the Batman]]''''' is an American computer-animated television series based on the DC Comics superhero Batman. The series premiered in the United States on Cartoon Network on July 13, 2013, as part of their DC Nation block. It is the replacement for ''[[w:Batman: The Brave and the Bold|Batman: The Brave and the Bold]]''. ''Beware the Batman'' is produced by Warner Bros. Animation. ==Episodes== ===Hunted=== :'''Robber''': Right on time. :'''Batman''': Sure about that? :'''Robber''': Who's there? Show yourself. :''[Robber gasps]'' :''[Robber panting]'' :'''Batman''': Two shots left, make them count. You missed. Forget re-loading. :'''Robber''': Okay. You got me. :'''Batman''': No knife. Best bet is the backup piece. :'''Robber''': How did you-- :''[Robber growls]'' :'''Robber''': Huh? :''[Robber groans]'' :'''Robber''': You said the backup gun was my best bet. :'''Batman''': I lied. :''[Robber malicious laughter]'' :'''Robber''': What's that they say? Oh, yeah, "beware of the batman." Funny. I don't see nothing to beware of. :''[Batman grunts]'' :''[Robber grunts]'' :''[Robber groaning]'' :''[Robber groans]'' :''[Robber groans]'' :'''Batman''': That better be it for this evening's surprises. :''[Simon Stagg panting]'' :'''Simon Stagg''': Please! Help! Somebody! :'''Professor Pyg''': I say, mister toad, what a wonderful night for a stag hunt. :'''Mister Toad''': I couldn't agree more, professor pyg. :''[Mister Toad warbling]'' :''[Simon Stagg panting]'' :'''Simon Stagg''': I am simon stagg. Do you have any idea how powerful I am in this city? Now, I'm warning you-- :''[Simon Stagg gasps]'' :'''Mister Toad''': Excellent shot, boss, right in the gizzard. :'''Professor Pyg''': Oh, my, that doesn't sound good. Have you had your cholesterol checked recently? :'''Mister Toad''': Must watch the red meat. :'''Simon Stagg''': Why are you doing this to me? :'''Professor Pyg''': Because of what you've done to our kind. :'''Simon Stagg''': Your kind? :'''Mister Toad''': Yes. Animal kind. Now, hold still. :''[Bruce Wayne moans softly]'' :''[Alfred grunts]'' :'''Bruce Wayne''': Are we through? :''[Alfred groans]'' :'''Bruce Wayne''': I didn't hurt you, did I? Alfred? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I'm quite fine. Thank you for asking, bruce. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Tell me that was not the real van gogh. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': A copy. The real painting is safely locked away. I'll have your room in the hallway cleaned by this afternoon. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Good. What's wrong? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': It took you five moves to subdue me. It should only have taken you three. Your reaction to me at the foot of your bed was sloppy at best. If I hadn't purposely-- :''[Bruce Wayne sighs]'' :'''Bruce Wayne''': Do we need to do this now? :''[Bruce Wayne groans]'' :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': My job is to protect you. I can't do that if you won't let me. You're not alone in this. :'''Bruce Wayne''': We've had this conversation. Your job is to protect Bruce Wayne, not Batman. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Are they not the same? :'''Bruce Wayne''': No! The a.R.G.U.S. Club again. How many membership offers have I turned down? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I've lost count. Now, can we get back to the subject of your safety? :'''Bruce Wayne''': I know you want to be out in the field, alfred, but it's not going to happen. Leave your past in the past. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Mi6 was a long time ago, and I have no desire to re-live my service. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Good, because batman works alone. Gotham's not a nice place. People get killed. Even ex-spies like you. Your job is to protect bruce wayne. As long as you're only doing that, I know you're safe. What's this? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': It appears to have occurred last night. Perhaps if you hadn't slept most of the day? Then again, bats are nocturnal creatures. :'''Madison Randall''': Gotham police are still baffled by the kidnapping of billionaire simon stagg. So far, there's been no ransom demand, Only a video clip posted online from the self-styled "eco terrorists." :'''Professor Pyg''': Hello there. Say, "hello," mister toad. :'''Mister Toad''': Hello there. :'''Professor Pyg''': We want you all to know what an honor it is to be in your fair city. And we'd like to share with you something special. :'''Mister Toad''': Beautiful, isn't he? :'''Professor Pyg''': Poor Simon Stagg, sure likes to brag. And covet his millions all day. But he's not the last with stolen keys to the past. Who learn in the jungle-- :'''Mister Toad''': Everyone pays. :'''Professor Pyg''': Welcome to the hunt, Gotham City. :'''Bruce Wayne''': What do we know about them? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Not much. The papers said, they called themselves, professor pyg and mister toad. :'''Bruce Wayne''': ''[sees Mister Toad]'' How "Wind in the Willows" of them. The nursery rhyme was interesting. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': A modified little jack horner. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Itself based on a land deal gone sour between henry viii and thomas warner. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Bribery, I believe. A man like simon stagg. Would undoubtedly be involved in land deals as well. :'''Batman''': And knowing stagg, some undoubtedly shady. Stagg is being punished, hunted. Why? And who's next? I need his financial records. Encrypted. Hacking the system would take hours. The ransom video. There. More than one plaque. More than one name. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': The next victim's... Not enough to make out. :'''Batman''': Patience, alfred. Michael holt. Another of gotham's wealthiest industrialists. I need to get to holt before pyg and toad. Pyg and toad's rhyme mentioned, "keys to the past." The key is likely in stagg's financials. Stay here and see if you can crack the encryption while I'm gone. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Where are you? We need to meet. :'''Michael Holt''': Hello? Gotham police. My name is michael holt, and I am being attacked by-- :'''Professor Pyg''': Mister toad, if you would do the honor. :'''Mister Toad''': My pleasure. :''[Toad and Pyg are being pursued by Batman]'' :'''Mister Toad''': Boss! it's the bat guy! :'''Professor Pyg''': It's Batman, Toad. Remember, respect our enemies. We're free, toad! Now! :'''Mister Toad''': I want to do that again! He's gone. :'''Batman''': Forget the bat. We can always kill him later. Besides, still one more stop before the night is through. :''[Batman groans]'' :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Here's what you asked for. So, why are you snooping around this Stagg guy's financials? I thought you were retired. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Being retired and being out of the game are two very different things, my dear. But I don't need to tell you that. How much longer are you in town? :'''Tasu Yamashiro''': For the night. Why? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Oh, just wondering if you'd thought any more about my offer? :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': I have. Answer is still "no." :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Well, then, there's only one thing I can say. Please? :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': I'll be in touch. :''[Batman groaning]'' :'''Batman''': Alfred? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Bruce! Are you all right? :'''Batman''': Pyg and toad got holt. Where are you? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I am outside wayne manor. I have Stagg's financials. I've uploaded them to e-server, for you to-- :''[Alfred Pennyworth groans]'' :'''Batman''': Alfred? Alfred? :'''Professor Pyg''': I say, this isn't Bruce Wayne. I believe you've sacked the butler. :'''Mister Toad''': I was sure that was Wayne. :'''Professor Pyg''': I told you to get your eyes checked! Retinal deterioration is the number one cause of blindness in amphibians! :''[Mister Toad gasps]'' :'''Mister Toad''': Boss? Someone is watching us. :'''Professor Pyg''': Well now, the caller I'd says bruce wayne. Is that you in the, mr. Wayne? Being a cheeky peeper? It appears we've captured your butler instead of you. No worry, we'll be meetig soon enough. Ta-ta! :'''Batman''': Stagg's financials. Need to see what alfred's found. Keystone wetlands. Animal preserve. Sold to private investors when oil was found on the land. Pyg's rhyme, "stolen keys to the past." Main investors, simon stagg, michael holt and... Bruce wayne? :'''Michael Holt''': Enough of this! Anything you want, any price, I'll pay it. :'''Simon Stagg''': I'll double whatever he pays. Do what you want with the other two, I won't say a word. :'''Professor Pyg''': Gentlemen, save your strength. :'''Mister Toad''': He's a doctor, you should listen. :'''Professor Pyg''': Let me explain what's going to happen. You are going to be hunted. Much the same way you hunted and drove out the animals. That once occupied this wetlands. :'''Simon Stagg''': This land was purchased legally. :'''Professor Pyg''': You destroyed a natural habitat. Drained its resources then abandoned it to rot. There is nothing legal about that. We're giving you a five minute head start. Beginning, oh, already. :'''Mister Toad''': What are you waiting for? Get going. :'''Batcomputer''': Methane pockets beneath the building. Are making my readings erratic. Batman, are you aware that the structure of this building. Is dangerously unsafe? :'''Batman''': I am now. :'''Simon Stagg''': Can't you two move faster? :'''Michael Holt''': Your yanking isn't helping! :'''Simon Stagg''': Oh, excuse me for wanting to stay alive! :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Stop! :'''Simon Stagg''': Are you insane? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Sorry. But I seem to remember you saying something about staying alive? :''[Simon Stagg gasps]'' :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': My guess, the whole place is rigged. :'''Michael Holt''': So, what does that mean? We just give up? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': No. It means we stop running and fight back. :'''Simon Stagg''': Hold on, just who exactly are you? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Oh, didn't they tell you? I'm the butler. :''[Simon Stagg groans]'' :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Get back! :'''Michael Holt''': You all right, man? :''[Alfred Pennyworth groaning]'' :'''Simon Stagg''': His chain is off. Let's go. Leave him! :'''Michael Holt''': He saved your life! Both our lives, we're not leaving him! :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ''[groans in pain]'' Stop! My ankle is broken! :'''Professor Pyg''': Perhaps I have a bandage for that. Sorry, old chap, fresh out. ''[Rumbles through medical bag]'' ''[Pulls out a hand-saw]'' Looks like that leg is going to have to come off! :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Forget about me! :'''Michael Holt''': Run! :''[Mister Toad warbling]'' :''[Mister Toad malicious chuckle]'' :''[Batman grunts]'' :'''Batman''': Is it bad? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Pain is not important right now. :'''Simon Stagg''': You! You're supposed to be some sort of vigilante, aren't you? Forget about him and get us out of here! :'''Batman''': Feel strong enough to get those two out of here while I deal with pyg and toad? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Happy to be of assistance. :'''Batman''': That should help the pain. And that should help with anything else. :'''Michael Holt''': Don't worry, batman. I'll make sure, he gets out safe. :''[Professor Pyg grunts]'' :'''Professor Pyg''': When was the last time you had a proper physical, batman? :''[Mister Toad warbling]'' :''[Batman groans]'' :'''Simon Stagg''': Are you insane? What if we'd still been in there? We would have been killed! :'''Batman''': Yes, you would have. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Thank you, batman. Pyg and toad? :'''Batman''': I am sure gotham city will be seeing them again, but not tonight. :'''Madison Randall''': Lieutenant gordon, isn't true simon stagg. And the other men were rescued by the vigilane batman? :'''Comissioner James Gordon''': That report is unconfirmed. That's it. No more questions. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Looks like lieutenant gordon is going to have his hands full. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Good. Keystone park is being given back to gotham through an anonymous donation. You know, I didn't even know I was involved in that sale. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': No need to explain yourself. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Batman went out there blind. If he had just stayed and dug a little further, he would have found bruce wayne's name on that land deal. And known wayne was a target. Instead, you were almost killed. You were right. You can't protect bruce wayne without looking out for batman, too. Neither is indestructible and. We both need your help. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I promised myself when your parents were killed, That I would always watch over you. :'''Bruce Wayne''': And you have. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Hear me out, bruce. Your injuries will heal in a few days. My ankle will take months. There will come a time when I will no longer be here. I need to know that you will still be protected when I'm gone. You can come in now. Bruce wayne, I'd like you to meet tatsu yamashiro. I've hired her to be your new driver and bodyguard. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': It's a pleasure to be working for you, mr. Wayne. ===Secrets=== :''(Batman faces Magpie. When she is about to escape, Batman kicks her and she flies onto a crate)'' :'''Magpie''': Hey, you just hit a girl! :'''Batman''': No, I just hit a criminal. You've given me quite a run. Six warehouses, stolen high-tech electronics worth millions. :'''Magpie''': Really? Millions? I just like the way they sparkle. Mr...? :'''Batman''': Batman. :'''Magpie''': Magpie. ''(Seeing Batman's utility belt)'' Ooh, nice belt. Shiny, shiny. Can I have it? :'''Batman''': I'm using it right now. How about a shiny pair of handcuffs instead? ''(Holds up the handcuffs)'' <hr width="50%"/'> :''[repeated line]'' :'''Magpie''': Shiny, shiny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': So, what perp are you after today? :'''Lt. Gordon''': First, it's "dad", not "lieutenant". Second, "perp"? :'''Barbara Gordon''': Yeah, perp. Bad guy. :'''Lt. Gordon''': I know what perp means, Barbara. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': I don't like secrets, Alfred. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': You are the very definition of a secret, Bruce. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Magpie''': You know, after I last met, I couldn't help wondering what makes someone put on a bat costume. Something to hide? :'''Batman''': Who said this was a costume? :'''Magpie''': Umm, I like that. <hr width="50%"/'> :''(Magpie had taken Doctor Ravencroft hostage, Batman comes in, and uses a batarang to knock off Magpie's wig, to reveal Ravencroft's secretary. Magpie notices this in the mirror, and is confused.)'' :'''Magpie''': What is this? Whose face is that? :'''Batman''': You don't know. Two personalities in one body, unaware of each other. :'''Magpie''': What're you talking about? :'''Batman''': Margaret Sorrow was part of an experiment Braxton and Ravencroft were conducting. For your participation, you received early released. :'''Magpie''': No! They took my memories! THEY STOLE THEM FROM ME! :'''Batman''': I'm sorry, but you did this to yourself. Margaret Sorrow volunteered. The experiment was meant to strip the bad out of criminals, and in your case it worked. For a while anyway. ''(Magpie looks at herself in the mirror)'' They gave you a new name, a new face, a new life. But sometimes the bad is just too strong. It has a way of coming back. :'''Magpie''': No! Lies! ''(She punches the mirror)'' I want to know who I am, and she can give that back to me! ''(Magpie extends her fingernails into claws, about to kill Ravencroft, when Gordon shots her nails off.)'' :'''Lt. Gordon''': Don't move, Batman. You either... bird-girl. :'''Magpie''': ''(She picks up the shot-off nails)'' Shiny, shiny. ''(She throws her nails at Gordon. One of them cuts his arm and it makes him cry in pain. Magpie then jumps up, knocks Gordon down and runs off. Batman follows her, but is stopped by Gordon's gunshot.)'' :'''Lt. Gordon''': You're not going anywhere. :'''Batman''': We don't have time for this, Lieutenant. Help the doctor, I'll stop Magpie. ''(He goes after Magpie)'' <hr width="50%"/'> :'''Batman''': ''(After defeating Magpie)'' No more shiny shiny. (''He takes his utility belt from Magpie and puts it back on his waist'') Is the doctor safe Lieutenant? ''(He turns around to see Lieutenant Gordon pointing his gun at him.)'' :'''Lt. Gordon''': Shaken up but fine. She had no idea that Cassie was once Margaret Sorrow. :'''Batman''': Makes sense. Different face, different memories. My guess: Magpie subconsciously drove her here for revenge. :'''Lt. Gordon''': Well, now Margaret, Cassie, Magpie, whatever-her-name goes back to jail. :'''Batman''': Put her back in the hole that created her. Is that justice? :'''Lt. Gordon''': That's the law. :'''Batman''': Will I be getting the same justice? :'''Lt. Gordon''': Yes, but not tonight. Just so we're clear, nothing has changed between us. ''(As he talks, he puts handcuffs on the unconscious Magpie)'' We aren't friends. You helped me tonight, so I owe you. But the next time we cross paths... ''(He turns around to see that Batman has disappeared)'' ===Tests=== :'''Daedalus''': Down with creative oppression! This is justice. :'''Batman''': No. I am justice. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Batman has subdued and cuffed two vandals and leaves)'' :'''Daedalus''': Dang, the cops are totally gonna jack us for this. :'''Anarky''': ''(talking form the shadows)'' They certainly would,...IF they catch you. :'''Junkyard Dog''': Look man, Batman already worked us. Go do your hero thing on someone else. :'''Anarky''': Oh, I'm no hero. ''(Emerges from the shadows, revealing a hooded figure in a white suit and cape. His chest has a circle surrounding an A.)'' I'm a fan. I've been watching you for sometime. Daedalus, your authority challenging street art shows enormous promise. :'''Daedalus''': It does?... I mean, yeah, duh. :'''Anarky''': And you, Junkyard Dog, your knack for sculptural destruction I find... inspiring. ''(he frees them both from the handcuffs)'' I see genius in you both. I wish to be your patron. ''(Gives them high-tech weaponry and power tools)'' Consider this my first... "donation" to your art. :'''Junkyard Dog''': Dude, who are you? :'''Anarky''': Call me... Anarky. <hr width="50%"/> :(''Bruce beats Alfred at chess'') :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I don't know why we bother playing this game - You never lose! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': The Batmobile is prepped and ready for you, sir. :'''Bruce Wayne''': ...Change of plans, Alfred. Tonight, you drive. ''(Alfred looks surprised, mostly because he has a broken leg in a cast)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anarky''': Welcome, Gotham City, to the art of destruction. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': Get this analyzed. Probably came off their shoes. Might give us something. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': From Cold War warrior to analyzer of sneaker goo. I've never been prouder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': (''about Bruce'') A secret elevator to a private library. Not only does this guy have too much time and too much money, he's a geek, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ''(controlling the batmobile from the Bat-Cave with a video-game like remote control to confront Daedalus and Junkyard Dog)'' And I actually thought he was going to let me REALLY drive for once. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Anarky and Batman are in mid-battle, when Anarky kicks Batman to a lower level)'' :'''Anarky''': Well done. I'm so gratified that you understand the game. :'''Batman''': This isn't a game. In that gear, those two are dangerous. It's a miracle bystanders weren't hurt. :'''Anarky''': Oh, I would've been fine with that. ''(slides down to Batman's level)'' It's the sort of random action that makes ME the better player. You, the black king, representing order, and me, the white king... well, I'm Anarky. <hr width="50%"/'> :''(Anarky and Batman have continued their fight.)'' :'''Batman''': I not gonna play your game, Anarky. :'''Anarky''': Oh, but you must. I've waited so long for a worthy opponent. One day, they'll write songs about our struggles. You fighting for order and peace. Me for chaos and destruction. ''(An explosion goes off near one of the nearby sky-lifts. Nobody is hurt.)'' That was just to get your attention. The real bombs... :'''Batman''': Are on the gondolas, set to explode as they cross one another. :'''Anarky''': How did you know? :'''Batman''': It's the obvious move. :'''Anarky''': Ouch. Regardless, there's only time enough for you to deactivate ONE of the bombs before they cross. Those poor people on the other tram... ''(makes a ticking noise. Batman attempts to stop the trams by shutting off the main power, until Anarky kicks him out of the way)'' NO! Stop them from moving... ''(Shows a detonator in his hand)'' ...Instant detonation. :'''Batman''': A dead man switch. :'''Anarky''': Oh course. I let go, BOOM! ''(Daedalus and Junkyard Dog appear, running and panicked)'' :'''Daedalus''': Boss, Batman is right behind us, he's... ''(They see Batman)'' :'''Junkyard Dog''': Oh, dang! :'''Anarky''': These two will stay and slow you down even more. I know you love a challenge. Not such an obvious move now, is it?! I'll be watching, Batman. I hope you can do it. I've wanted a worthy opponent for so long. ''(He leaves)'' :'''Daedalus''': ''(Surrendering)'' We were just trying to express ourselves. :'''Batman''': So am I. ''(Knocks out both with one punch each.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :''(Batman works to disarm the bombs, when Anarky ambushes him, and the two fight until Anarky pulls out the dead man switch.)'' :'''Anarky''': Congratulations, you countered my move. You passed the test. :'''Batman''': It wasn't much of a test. :'''Anarky''': You have no idea what a honor it is to be chosen as my enemy... It's a really big deal! :'''Batman''': I thought I'd found an opponent to match wits with, but you're just another lunatic in a costume. :'''Anarky''': Madness is the more interesting choice. Logic and order are so... predictable. :'''Batman''': Unless, I make a logical choice to do something insane. ''(Batman grabs the dead man switch, punches Anarky, who drops the switch, and nothing happens to the skylifts.)'' :'''Anarky''': WHAT?! Why didn't they explode?! :'''Batman''': Frequency jamming disk. Unpredictable enough for you?! ===Safe=== :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': One got away. :'''Batman''': That happens. It doesn't justify murder. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': I didn't have a choice. :'''Batman''': You always have a choice. You can save lives or take them. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': I don't need an ethics lesson from a nut dressed up like a bat. :'''Batman''': Too bad. You just got one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': [''Batman stops Tatsu Yamashiro from murdering''] Once you cross that line, you can't go back. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': You're never completely safe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Get back? Where are you going? :'''Bruce Wayne''': Hot date. Well, as hot as a date can be at a museum reception. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': What about Dr. Burr? :'''Bruce Wayne''': He's not my type. Don't wait up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': A shirt that expensive, I'm surprised the cuffs don't link themselves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': I need to find out who's after Burr. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Perhaps you should search Dr. Burr's lab. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Thank you, Alfred. You know I've done this before, right? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': And you're getting better at it every day. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': The ones that can dodge bullets are always a bother. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': [''Tatsu Yamashiro has been injured in a fight''] How bad are you? :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': I'm alive. :'''Batman''': Good. Stay that way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Careful. I'm starting to think I was wrong about you. :'''Batman''': You wouldn't be the first. ===Broken=== :''(Gordon and a small police squad has discovered a person alive in a statue-like toy soldier)'' :'''Lt. Gordon''': Somebody get the Jaws of Life. Let's cut that guy out. <hr width="50%"/'> :''(Gordon and the bomb squad has the status-suit hostage in the blast bunker of GCPD headquarters. Gordon's phone rings.)'' :'''Lt. Gordon''': Hello?... How did you get this number? And how did you reach me? We're 300 feet underground. :'''Batman''': Hacked your phone and modified your SIM chip. Gotham PD should get better security for their equipment. :'''Lt. Gordon''': I'll stick that in the suggestion box when I get a chance. :'''Batman''': The man in the suit... :'''Lt. Gordon''': Joseph Krimple, AKA Icepick Joe. :'''Icepick Joe''': What? Who are you talking to? Where am I? Get me out of this thing! :'''Lt. Gordon''': What's your point? :'''Batman''': Icepick is one of Tobias Whale's hit-squad goons. :'''Lt. Gordon''': Stay away from Whale, Batman. :'''Batman''': Not an option. Just thought you deserved a courtesy call. ''(Hangs up)'' :'''Lt. Gordon''': ''(Dials phone)'' Rodriquez, it's Gordon. I need you to assemble a... ''(Dial tone)'' Hello? Hello? ''(Looks at phone, says 'No Service' on screen)'' Batman can get reception, but not me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': Someone is sending Gotham a message, Lieutenant. :'''Lt. Gordon''': How did you get in here? Why do I even ask? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tobias Whale''': (''to Batman'') Joe didn't show up for work a few nights back. I assumed You happened to him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tobias Whale''': Escort Mr. Bat out of here boys. Feet first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Oh, sorry, my dear. Rule of thumb. Never sneak up on an old spy while he's making a sandwich. <hr width="50%"/'> :'''Batman''': Computer: last known address of Humpty Dumpty. :'''Batcomputer''': A wall. :'''Batman''': I'll rephrase. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': Hey, Dad. I got us that low-fat low-salt corn-beef hash you like. :'''Lt. Gordon''': Barb, you know I happen to like the one with extra fat and extra salt. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Is this a good idea? Are you sure Mr. Wayne is out of town on business? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Oh, Mr. Wayne is almost always out on some kind of business. Best to make the most of it. <hr width="50%"/'> :''(Batman chases Humpty Dumpty through his castle after he rescued Gordon and Whale.)'' :'''Humpty Dumpty''': I never wanted this, I never wanted to hurt anyone. But they dragged me into the middle of their war. Lieutenant Gordon, Tobias Whale, THEIR war. I just wanna go back to play with my numbers and my toys, but I can't. I can't go back. :'''Batman''': Humpty... Humpfrey, we can sort this out. ''(Humpty Dumpty has disappeared, and climbed to the tower)'' You're right, they dragged you into their war, but that's still not justification for what you've done. :'''Humpty Dumpty''': You're a lot of fun. You're the best fun I've had in years. ''(Laughs)'' All the kings horses, and all the king's men can't put Humpfrey Dumpler back together again. ''(Humpty falls off the tower, and Batman fails to grab him. He falls to the ground, and breaks into a thousand pieces, being a decoy of plaster. Batman is shown holding a disconnected arm.)'' <hr width="50%"/'> :'''Policeman on phone''': Lieutenant Gordon, come in. :'''Lt. Gordon''': Go ahead. :'''Policeman on phone''': All the bomb statue-suits down here suddenly deactivated. We can cut them out safely now. :'''Lt. Gordon''': Why would Humpty Dumpty do that? Just let them all go like that? :'''Batman''': Humpty's broken, but that doesn't make him pure evil. :'''Lt. Gordon''': Lovely. Did you get that from your costumed vigilante book of proverbs? :'''Batman''': He lost the battle, and he's walking away honorably. But something tells me, the war is far from over. ===Toxic=== :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Uh, Bruce, exactly what did we purchase in there? :'''Bruce Wayne''': Hormone-free bovine glands. I'm experimenting with my body's need for sleep. Currently it's four hours. I'd like to get it down to two. Certain glands are rich in adrenals. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Very good. I look forward to blending them up for you. <hr width="50%"/> :[''Rex and Sapphire kiss passionately in a deserted hallway''] :'''Rex Mason''': Sapphire, we shouldn't be doing this here. :'''Sapphire Stagg''': I don't care. [''resumes kissing; Rex stops''] What? :'''Rex Mason''': Your father is Simon Stagg. My boss. One of the wealthiest men in Gotham. You're his only daughter and I... :'''Sapphire Stagg''': I don't care what the world sees. I know the man you are inside. That's who I love. Don't worry about Daddy. He's gonna love you, just like I do, Rex Mason. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': Don't say one word. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': What, and make you even more flustered? :'''Bruce Wayne''': I'm not flustered. I'm not! :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Don't worry. I'll keep your bovine glands on ice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': Please tell me you packed my Batsuit. <hr width="50%"/> :(''Batman takes cover from Simon Stagg's shooting'') :'''Simon Stagg''': You're trespassing! :'''Batman''': And you're going to jail Stagg. You didn't like your precious pampered daughter messing with the help. So you set Mason up for a little accident. :'''Simon Stagg''': Prove it. :'''Batman''': Give me time. Project Metamorpho, what is it? :'''Simon Stagg''': A game changer. Stagg Industries has found a way to weaponize genetic tissue. Imagine it: a soldier in battle. Impervious to weather, bullets, fire, anything elemental. But not just impervious, a Stagg branded Metamorpho can also manipulate these same elements, turning them against the attacker. :'''Batman''': It's going to kill Mason. :'''Simon Stagg''': We're still ironing out the kinks. The important thing is: he'll never have my daughter and you'll never tell anyone what you just saw. :''(Two guards joined him in shooting Batman. Batman blows part of Stagg Industries and uses his grapnel hook to escape.)'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Metamorpho''': Why can't you just leave us alone? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Simon Stagg''': How did you know? How did you know he'd come? :'''Batman''': There are two things in life everyone's powerless against. Love and revenge. ===Family=== :'''Silver Monkey''': Yield now, and I will grant you both quick deaths. :'''Batman''': Pass. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': What he said. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Bethany Ravencroft''': It's okay. You don't have to tell me anything. I don't need to know what happened to know you feel betrayed by those you trusted most. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Trust is overrated. I think I'm gonna give it a rest for awhile. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': You know, I've always argued that no one needs therapy more than therapists, and now you're proving my theory. :'''Dr. Bethany Ravencroft''': A keen insight. It's a shame you have no one in your life to appreciate it. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Said the shrink with the crossbow and the ninja boyfriend. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': One of these days, your luck will run out. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Just hope you're not there when it does. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Oh, I do, every day. <hr width="50%"/> :''(Lady Shiva has Batman and Katana hostage and has subdued Silver Monkey. She approaches Dr. Ravencroft with the Soultaker Sword.)'' :'''Lady Shiva''': Oh, the flower you picked has lovely petals, Silver Monkey. I wonder if the same can be said of her soul. :'''Dr. Bethany Ravencroft''': Please, Lady Shiva, I never meant to betray you. It was Silver Monkey who... :'''Lady Shiva''': Shh, shh. Quiet now, my lotus blossom. ''(Lady Shiva recites an incantation and activates the sword)'' :'''Dr. Bethany Ravencroft''': What're you doing? No, wait! ''(The sword drains her soul, leaving her a colorless, skin-covered skeleton)'' :'''Lady Shiva''': Don't worry, she's not dead. Not yet, anyway. As for you, Silver Monkey, you won't be joining your flower in the sword. My plans for you are far for interesting, and... painful. ''(Two ninjas carry Silver Monkey away)'' I'm actually quite grateful to Silver Monkey. Yes, he betrayed me, but he also delivered two of my most troublesome adversaries. This is a most gracious windfall for me, and for the Sword. :'''Batman''': ... You forgot one thing. :'''Lady Shiva''': Did I? And what is that? :'''Batman''': The rocket. :'''Lady Shiva''': What rocket? ''(a rocket bursts through the window, nearly hitting Lady Shiva, and blowing off the roof. Alfred is shown holding a smoking rocket launcher.)'' :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': ... That rocket. ''(Batman breaks through his bonds, then frees Katana)'' :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': ... Glove saws? :'''Batman''': Acid capsules... but good idea. ===Allies=== :'''Batman''': You're welcome. :'''Lt. Gordon''': What are you doing here? This is Gotham PD's collar. :'''Batman''': If that were true, you would have gotten here before me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Tatsu, you must be patient. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': There's patient. And then there's spending weeks encasing me in one immoveable suit after another. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': You're not doing anything until you're suited up and armed. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': [''smiles mischievously''] Okay, then. [''Tatsu walks into the costume room, grabs a katana and an eye mask from the wall, and steps out of the room, wearing the mask and the katana strapped to her back''] Suited up and armed. :'''Batman''': A sword and a mask, that's all. :'''Katana''': I can fight in this. [''demonstrates her sword moves''] See? There's one more thing. You have a code name, and I want one too. Call me Katana, when we're in the field. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': I get it. We have different fighting styles. But our differences make us stronger. You know, like to-may-to to-mah-to. :'''Batman''': No. Those are the same things said differently. :'''Katana''': Exactly my point. :'''Batman''': Just... follow my lead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': Now you're in for it, secondary bad guy. Batman and... :'''Katana''': Katana. :'''Barbara Gordon''': Batman and Katana are going to tenderize you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phosphorus Rex''': I can do this all day, Batman! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': Wow. Batman is so cool. And did you see? He works with a girl. I could totally be like her one day. When can I have a grapnel? :'''Lt. Gordon''': Not until you're old enough. :'''Barbara Gordon''': When will that be? :'''Lt. Gordon''': Never. ===Control=== :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': (''bringing in protein shakes'') Will it be one straw or two for dinner this evening? :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Sorry, Alfred. I kind of promised Jason I'd let him make dinner for me tonight. I just hope the nerd can cook. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': You might consider taking it a little easier on her. :'''Bruce Wayne''': I might, but I won't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Gordon''': Why don't you go get yourself a donut, Dombrowski? :'''Officer Dunbrowski''': Nah, the wife says I got to cut back. :'''Lt. Gordon''': Then only get a half-dozen this time. :'''Officer Dombrowski''': Hey. Yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''(Batman appears next to Gordon, who flinches)'' :'''Lt. Gordon''': Even when I know you're coming, I still can't get used to that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': It's kind of nice having someone cook for me. At least something that's not made in a blender. :'''Jason Burr''': Huh? :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Nothing. Cooking's just not really my strong suit. :'''Jason Burr''': Oh, no problem. I'm totally comfortable being the woman of the house. I mean, you know, the one who cooks. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': You should stop talking now. :'''Jason Burr''': Heard that. Yep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cypher''': Take out your handcuffs! :'''Batman''': Rail or pipe? :'''Cypher''': Surprise me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': Autopilot. :'''Batcomputer''': Engaged. The probability of successfully accomplishing this mission is less than 8%, Batman. :'''Batman''': Then you'd better wish me luck. :'''Batcomputer''': Good luck, Batman. :'''Batman''': Thanks. ===Sacrifice=== :'''Lady Shiva''': You dare bargain with the League of Assassins? Are you mad? :'''Anarky''': Without question. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anarky''': And who's this? A new pet? :'''Katana''': Why don't you come down here in person so we can meet foot to face? :'''Anarky''': I like her, Batman. She's like the pepper to your salt. ===Instinct=== :'''Professor Pyg''': Do you know how many birds had to lose their plumage so you could look atrocious? Do you?!? :'''Azura''': Six? :'''Professor Pyg''': Actually, it was a rhetorical question, but this one isn't. Would you like to know what it's really like to be a bird who can't fly? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Ugh! What's that smell? :'''Bruce Wayne''': It's Parijat bark. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': How is that even on the menu? :'''Bruce Wayne''': I own this restaurant. Now let's get to your training. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Really? Now? Couldn't we wait until after the cheese course? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': You need to train your mind to let your instincts tell you when something is wrong. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': When do you turn it off? :'''Bruce Wayne''': I don't. I can't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': Exploding goo? Hmm. I think someone's got a bigger gadget budget than me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Toad''': Batman. Welcome to our summer lair. :'''Professor Pyg''': Yes, we've been meaning to invite you over for tea and a good old-fashioned pummeling. Sadly, we're all out of tea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Pyg''': Oh, drat, the police. Gotham's killjoys. I believe we should make a hasty retreat. :'''Mr. Toad''': Oh, phooey and fiddlesticks. :'''Professor Pyg''': Language, Mr. Toad. ===Attraction=== :'''Batman''': Hole. :''[Katana hears creaking metal, turns and sees a street lamp falling towards her and her eyes widen, but it misses her and lands on its side]'' :'''Batman''': ''[walks past a sheepish Katana]'' It's never over until it's over. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': Look who flew the coop. :'''Batman''': Magpie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': Magpie, enough. :'''Magpie''': I just broke out of prison for you. A little appreciation would be nice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Just out of curiosity, were you ever going to tell me you were visiting her at Blackgate? What happened to Margaret Sorrow--to Magpie--was not... :'''Batman''': My fault. Margaret Sorrow didn't understand the consequences of hiding who you are. I thought I could help. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Help who? Magpie... or yourself? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': You should have buried me deeper. :'''Magpie''': I'll remember that for next time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Magpie''': You're only a pale imitation of me, sister. And you know it! :'''Katana''': You're just jealous because Batman rejected you. Probably because of your horrible fashion sense. I mean, really? Neck feathers with a bustier? Kinda trashy, right, Batman? ===Fall=== :'''Ra's al Ghul''': Don't blame yourself, Agent Pennyworth. You came closer to finding me than any before you. But you never had a chance. You are just a man and I am Ra's al Ghul. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Good morning. Breakfast is ready. Can I interest you in some solid food today? :'''Batman''': The new carbon-nanotube cape frame is a significant upgrade. It's strong enough to keep an elephant in the air. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Handy... if you encounter a free-falling elephant. Liquid again. Your streak is intact. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': We all have a hand in this. The moment we solve the world's energy crisis is something we all want to remember. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Careful, Bruce. The higher one aims, the further one can fall. Icarus learned that the hard way. :'''Bruce Wayne''': Icarus just needed better technology. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': Once we step through this door, the world will never be the same. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': At least you're maintaining perspective. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Yeah. Now it's official. There's no way this can live up to your hype. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': This isn't your fault. No one can foresee everything. Not even you. :'''Batman''': You've been telling me that since I was a kid. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': And it never quite sunk in. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Young Bruce Wayne''': I couldn't help my parents. But I helped you. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': This time. But you must respect your limits. :'''Young Bruce Wayne''': Not if I don't have any. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jason Burr''': When it does, I get my own island as promised, right? :'''Ra's al Ghul''': Succeed, and your reward will be whatever you wish. Fail, and you will suffer in ways you cannot imagine. :'''Jason Burr''': What does that mean? :'''Lady Shiva''': It means... don't fail. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': You can do better than that, Master Wayne. :'''Young Bruce Wayne''': That wasn't fair. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': That's why it's called an unfair advantage. ===Darkness=== :'''Ra's al Ghul''': For too long Gotham has held itself up as a symbol of hope to the world. A place of dreams, excess, and greed. No more. Tonight the League of Assassins will show the world Gotham's true face as it is reborn in darkness. And as with all births, there will be pain. The police cannot help you. Your elected officials cannot help you. Even your vigilante hero Batman cannot help you. Submit to my rule or become a remnant of history. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Ra's is trying to drive a wedge between us, nothing more. I am not your enemy. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': For your sake, I hope that is true. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Gordon''': So it's true. They have Batman. Half of Gotham is under siege. The other half is terrified and armed. Not a good cocktail. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver Monkey''': The hope of escape. Ruminations of an ill-informed mind. :'''Batman''': Then inform me. :'''Silver Monkey''': These cells extend three feet above and below, and are weighted beneath the cement. The bars themselves... :'''Batman''': Are made of triple-rolled steel. The distance between the bars is 11.43 centimeters, which means it would require roughly 150 lbs. of pressure to either side to pull them apart. The lock German, blast-proof, and pressurized to resist picking. Shall I go on? :'''Silver Monkey''': Apologies. Passing time until dinner. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': You? Why? :'''Silver Monkey''': Freedom has no meaning without honor. Even enemies must abide their debts. I believe you called it a paradox. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Gordon''': I thought you'd been captured. :'''Batman''': Early release for good behavior. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ra's Al Ghul''': I have to say, Katana, I'm a bit disappointed. Alfred Pennyworth's still alive? Have you no honor? :'''Katana''': If you question my honor, let me prove it to you on the end of a sword. ===Reckoning=== :'''Batman''': What did Ra's promise you? What am I worth? :'''Magpie''': The delicious Mr. Ghul is going to make me a queen. With my own piece of the city and all the shiny shiny I can steal. Isn't he a doll? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Magpie''': Back off, barbeque boy. He's mine. :'''Phosphorous Rex''': Hollow threat, coming from someone who's about to be a roast chicken. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Magpie''': I think it's time to slice up some fresh bacon! :'''Professor Pyg''': Give it your best shot, Tweety! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lt. Gordon''': I am officially the worst father of the year for letting you do this. :'''Barbara Gordon''': Dad, I just have to hardwire my laptop into Fall Point's internal network. Once I'm in the kernel, I can destroy the Cortex. We'll be heroes. :'''Lt. Gordon''': We'll be dead! This place is crawling with ninjas. :'''Barbara Gordon''': They won't kill us, they'll just take us hostage. It's all good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ra's al Ghul''': Congratulations. I've always wondered what it felt like to lose. :'''Batman''': You were right. I can't beat you. Not one-on-one. But everyone has their weakness. :'''Ra's al Ghul''': And what is mine? :'''Batman''': The belief you don't have one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': So... I did good? :'''Lt. Gordon''': Yeah, kid, you did good. But let's keep it between us. Especially the part about stealing Gotham PD equipment. :'''Barbara Gordon''': You got it, Lieutenant. ===Nexus=== :'''Lt. Gordon''': Did you get all that? :'''Batman''': Harvey Dent doesn't like me. :'''Katana''': Maybe he just doesn't know you. You should grab a smoothie with him some time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harvey Dent''': You can't protect Batman forever. :'''Lt. Gordon''': Batman doesn't need my protection, Mr. Dent. But keep hounding him, and you might. :'''Harvey Dent''': Is that a threat? :'''Lt. Gordon''': No. Just the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anarky''': Batman is driving rather slowly for someone with such a fast car. :'''Katana''': The Batmobile's not as fast as it looks. Those rockets--just for show. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anarky''': You are a pistol, aren't you? :'''Katana''': You have no idea. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': Until then, we're following Anarky's instructions because I believe the bomb is here. :'''Harvey Dent''': Wait. So you walked us into a blast zone on purpose? :'''Batman''': Yes. Someone has to disable the bomb. :'''Harvey Dent''': Right. The bomb squad. :'''Batman''': Anarky won't let that happen. :'''Harvey Dent''': How do you know all this? :'''Batman''': I'm Batman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harvey Dent''': Arrest Batman! And his girlfriend! :'''Katana''': Katana! One name is not that hard to remember. ===Monsters=== :'''Katana''': (''to Batman'') Why are we here? You're being ridiculously cryptic, even for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': Anything you like to tell me? :'''Batman''': You think I'm the Golem? Since Alfred left, you've gone with me on every patrol. :'''Katana''': Please, I still need to sleep. What are you down to, four, three hours a night? :'''Batman''': What's your point? :'''Katana''': I know you're patrolling without me. And when you're not, you spend more time training here and less time as Bruce Wayne. But it still wouldn't surprise me if the Batman turns out to be the Golem. :'''Batman''': Except he's not. So who is? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Metamorpho''': But I guess what doesn't kill you makes you... a freak. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': So what do I call you? You don't like Rex. You're not the Golem. :'''Metamorpho''': Why do you need to call me anything? :'''Katana''': At least a code name. We all have code names. How about "Muto"? :'''Metamorpho''': No. :'''Katana''': "Changeamarian"? "Mr. What Is That?" (''Metamorpho glares'') Okay, I'll keep working on it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Metamorpho''': As Rex Mason, I never really helped anyone but myself. But as... Metamorpho I could do some real good for other people. :'''Batman''': But you can accomplish that without being a... :'''Metamorpho''': A monster? I thought I was a monster because of how I looked. But you're only a monster if you let yourself become one. :'''Katana''': Wise words. <hr width="50%"/> :(''Batman pays a visit to Sapphire Stagg. He returns one of the robotic suits to her'') :'''Batman''': I believe this belongs to you. :'''Sapphire Stagg''': Prove it. :'''Batman''': Like father, like daughter. :'''Sapphire Stagg''': Surprised? :'''Batman''': I gave up being surprised long ago. Occupational hazard. :'''Sapphire Stagg''': Well, my father will be surprised. He thinks I have no head for business. :'''Batman''': Is that what they call terrorizing a neighborhood these days, business? If so, your business failed. :'''Sapphire Stagg''': This time. :'''Batman''': Walk away Ms. Stagg. You do not want to become my enemy. :(''Batman prepares to leave'') :'''Sapphire Stagg''': Batman wait. That golem that fought beside you, I saw the television footage. And it look like... :'''Batman''': It wasn't. Rex Mason is dead, your father is in prison because of it and if you come near Old Gotham again, you'll rot in a cell right beside him. Count on it. (''Batman leaps out of the building. Sapphire glares at where Batman left'') ===Games=== :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Is Humpty secure? :'''Batman''': Yes. When Humpty Dumpty wakes up from that great fall, he'll be rotting in a cell at Blackgate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': I just thought that what we do, we do for Gotham and its people. Their safety comes first. Even Bruce Wayne would agree with that. :'''Batman''': I'm not Bruce Wayne. ===Animal=== :'''Harvey Dent''': By the way, which of these cells is the smallest? :'''Warden''': I'm not sure. Why? :'''Harvey Dent''': I want that one reserved for Batman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': I'm going to bed. :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Bed? Now? Are you sick? Do you even get sick? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harvey Dent''': I'm confused. Does he just look like a penguin, or is he an actual penguin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': I thought you were the king. :'''Tobias Whale''': I ''am'' the king, baby... on the outside. In here, I'm just a VIP. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': You're the king? :'''Killer Croc''': Don't much like formalities. Call me Killer Croc. Got that name on account of my good looks. :'''Batman''': It fits. :'''Killer Croc''': Kind of you to say so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': Are you sure I didn't overshoot it? It seems like I've gone too far. :'''Barbara Gordon''': Positive. It's just a little further. Unless the schematic is outdated. :'''Katana''': Wait, what? :'''Barbara Gordon''': Nothing. Keep going. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tobias Whale''': Watch your back, baby. That Matatoa character thinks he's immortal. Something about stealing his foe's life force by eating his heart. Dude ain't right. :'''Batman''': Thanks for the tip. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': You can't open that hatch without a blowtorch. :'''Katana''': No problem. The belt has one. Goggles, too. This belt's pretty handy. Maybe I should get one for myself. :'''Barbara Gordon''': Can I have one, too? ===Doppelganger=== :'''Barbara Gordon''': Are you okay? :'''Katana''': I'm a little busy, Barbara. But no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Pyg''': Poor dear. She's not as good as the Bat. :'''Mr. Toad''': I concur. But it's nice to have a woman around the house. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harvey Dent''': Why do you think I brought the great Dane Lisslow, head of my Special Crimes Unit? :'''Dane Lisslow''': It's not great, just Dane. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': After the Blackgate incident and all the trouble with the Ion Cortex, Batman wants me to train you. Consider it payback. :'''Barbara Gordon''': Cool. Now can you let go of my neck? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bruce Wayne''': Batman needs to get back out there, Alfred. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Given your current condition, are you sure that's wise? :'''Bruce Wayne''': No. But when has Batman ever listened to reason? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Toad''': Is that what I think it is? :'''Professor Pyg''': Batman. With a bat-man. :'''Mr. Toad''': How pathetically redundant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Toad''': One of you lucky girls is going to have the honor of becoming Mrs. Toad. :'''Professor Pyg''': Now, Mister Toad, this is the most important decision of your life. Choose with your heart. :'''Mr. Toad''': Absolutely. Eenie... meenie... miney... moe! Would you do me the honor of making me the happiest manphibian on Earth? (''the woman screams'') :'''Professor Pyg''': That's frightened for "yes". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Pyg''': That's rude. How do you expect us to create a race of human-animal soldiers if you insist on interrupting? Why don't we settle this like gentlemen? :'''Mr. Toad''': That would be dreadfully dull. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Pyg''': Do you, Mister Toad, take this soon-to-be non-human to be your unlawfully wedded wife? :'''Mr. Toad''': I do. :'''Professor Pyg''': And do you, soon-to-be non-human, take Mister Toad to be your unlawfully wedded husband? (''Katana moans'') :'''Mr. Toad''': That means "I do", keep going. ===Unique=== :'''Katana''': (''to Batman'') The police didn't find anything more than we did. Whoever fired those darts was as good at disappearing as well... you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ava Kirk''': I appreciate you going to all this trouble. :'''Bruce Wayne''': It's no trouble at all. I have plenty of... how many guest rooms do we have, Alfred? Seventeen? :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Nineteen. We missed two on the last inventory. :'''Bruce Wayne''': See? Plenty. ===Hero=== :'''Harvey Dent''': Surrender and you won't be harmed. Resist, and you will be tranquilized and netted like animals. Your call. You know which option I'd prefer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': How does a guy named Deathstroke keep such a low profile? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Batman''': You hired Deathstroke, and he turned on you. :'''Anarky''': Psychopaths. You just can't trust them. You'd think I'd know that by now, but I'm a sucker for crazy. ===Choices=== :'''Katana''': Whoa. Something stinks in here. :'''Batman''': They came up from the sewer. Appropriate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': That's right, Croc. You want some girl power, bringing the hammer down? Oh, you gonna cry? Well, you can wipe those eyes with my foot! :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Barbara! What's going on in there? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': Dad, this is Creed. Creed, my dad. :'''Creed Courtman''': Nice to meet you, sir. :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Ever been arrested? Any history of insanity or homicidal thoughts? :'''Barbara Gordon''': Dad! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commissioner Gordon''': And what kind of name is Creed? Are his parents cult members or hippies or something? :'''Barbara Gordon''': Stop! This is important to me. Turn off your... copness this once, okay? :'''Commissioner Gordon''': My "copness"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': Have you two been....? :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': Yes. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I see. I'll make sure to have your suits deionized so that they're, uh, more palatable. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Waiter''': Shall I go over the specials again? :'''Creed Courtman''': No, that's okay. We'll have the lobster... and an order of fries. :'''Barbara Gordon''': French fries. And lots of ketchup. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': Take me to the subway terminal on Ninth. :'''Creed Courtman''': The subway? Why? :'''Barbara Gordon''': Because subways are cool. I support public transport. Don't you support public transport? :'''Creed Courtman''': Yeah, sure, I like it. But I do have this... car. :'''Barbara Gordon''': Ninth Street Terminal. Step on it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katana''': What about Alfred? :'''Batman''': May not make it in time. My arm is loose. There are liquid nitrogen capsules on my belt. I can get to them, if I can chip away some of this stone. :'''Katana''': What good will that do? :'''Batman''': If heat hardens it, perhaps extreme cold will reverse the process. :'''Katana''': Really? That'll work? :'''Batman''': Could. Or maybe nothing happens. Or the reaction could cause the liquid stone to become so unstable it explodes. :'''Katana''': I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for Alfred. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Killer Croc''': Not a good place for a midnight stroll, old-timer. :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': I may be old, but I never stroll. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': I mean, really, I may give up dating forever. :'''Creed Courtman''': Yeah. Tonight was pretty freaky. :'''Barbara Gordon''': Freaky good or freaky bad? :'''Creed Courtman''': I haven't figured that out yet. Never had my shoulder dislocated on a date before. ===Epitaph=== :'''Tatsu Yamashiro''': I don't know what's worse. The hot air coming out of Dent, or the BO coming off this crowd. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alfred Pennyworth''': A single twig breaks. But a bundle of twigs is strong. Bruce Wayne was not a man who accepted the help of others easily. yet he was surrounded by those who loved him. Our strength will keep the memory of his spirit alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Barbara Gordon''': Any leads? Anything I can help with? :'''Commissioner Gordon''': Sweetheart, I appreciate that. But for the next hour, all I care about is hot water on sore muscles. And yes, I know how girlie that sounds. And I don't care. ===Twist=== :'''Jocelyn Kilroy''': Dent? Have you lost your mind? :'''Harvey Dent''': Lost it? On the contrary, I feel like I've finally found it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David Hull''': Harvey, I... I can't do that. :'''Harvey Dent''': You can do it, and you will. I consider you a friend, David. Don't make me change my minds. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harvey Dent''': People change, my friend. Take me. I'm a whole new man. And then some. ===Alone=== :'''Batcomputer''': Hello, Batman. Your body mass index has changed. Are you retaining water? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anarky''': Wake up, Harv. Wake up. Oh, goodie. You're not dead. That would have put such a damper on our victory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anarky''': I'm disappointed. I thought we were cohorts. Collaborators. Partners! :'''Harvey Dent''': Two's a partnership. Three's a liability. :'''Anarky''': "Three"? It appears we're not only parting ways, but minds as well. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deathstroke''': Your sons have come home, Alfred. One a hero, one a villain. And tonight... you're going to watch a son die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deathstroke''': That detonator has a sixteen-digit kill code. Only I can stop the timer. :'''Batman''': Then I'll just have to convince you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Metamorpho''': (''in the Batcave'') Nice pad. :'''Man-Bat''': This is my second time here. :'''Metamorpho''': Well, aren't you special. ==Voice cast== * Bruce Wayne / Batman - voiced by {{w|Anthony Ruiviar}} * Tatsu Yamashiro / Katana - voiced by {{w|Sumalee Montano}} * Alfred Pennyworth - voiced by {{w|JB Blanc}} * Lieutenant/Commissioner James Gordon - voiced by {{w|Kurtwood Smith}} * Barbara Gordon / Oracle - voiced by {{w|Tara Strong}} * Harvey Dent - voiced by {{w|Christopher McDonald}} * Anarky - voiced by {{w|Wallace Langham}} * Ra's al Ghul - voiced by {{w|Lance Reddick}} * Dane Lisslow / Deathstroke - voiced by {{w|Robin Atkin Downes}} * Dr. Jason Burr - voiced by {{w|Matthew Lillard}} * Lady Shiva - voiced by {{w|Finola Hughes}} * Mister Toad - voiced by {{w|Udo Kier}} * Professor Pyg - voiced by {{w|Brian George}} * Magpie - voiced by {{w|Grey DeLisle}} * Tobias Whale - voiced by {{w|Michael-Leon Wooley}} * Humpty Dumpty - voiced by {{w|Matt L. Jones}} * Silver Monkey - voiced by {{w|James Remar}} * Phosphorus Rex - voiced by {{w|Greg Ellis}} * Killer Croc - voiced by {{w|Wade Williams}} * Junkyard Dog - voiced by {{w|Carlos Alazraqui}} * Daedalus - voiced by {{w|Arif S. Kinchen}} * Man-Bat - voiced by {{w|Robin Atkin Downes}} * Metamorpho - voiced by {{w|Adam Baldwin}} * Mayor Marion Grange - voiced by {{w|CCH Pounder}} * Dr. Ava Kirk - voiced by {{w|Tisha Terrasini Baker}} * Dr. Bethany Ravencroft - voiced by {{w|Cree Summer}} * Creed Courtman - voiced by {{w|Yuri Lowenthal}} * Simon Stagg - voiced by {{w|Jeff Bennett}} * Michael Holt - voiced by {{w|Gary Anthony Williams}} * Sapphire Stagg - voiced by {{w|Emmanuelle Chriqui}} * Dr. Anatol Mykros - voiced by {{w| Bruce Thomas}} * Icepick Joe - voiced by {{w|Matthew Mercer}} * Jocelyn Kilroy - voiced by {{w|Beth Tapper}} * Officer Dunbrowski - voiced by {{w|James Arnold Taylor}} * Young Bruce Wayne - voiced by {{w|Jason Marsden}} == External links == {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{Batman}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s American adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally adult animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American adult animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:American animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] [[Category:Adult Swim shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Animated Batman TV shows]] [[Category:Animated television programs based on DC Comics]] [[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]] d6e7w2ysx7cwloufk4zwdjycp5w9aqr 0 151627 3944467 3866763 2026-05-23T13:42:46Z Saroj 2925457 removed [[Category:Feminists]]; added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944467 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cecilia Malmström 2.jpg|thumb|Cecilia Malmström in 2010]] [[File:Cecilia Malmström 2011.jpg|thumb|Cecilia Malmström in 2011]] '''[[w:Cecilia Malmström|Anna Cecilia Malmström]]''' (born 15 May 1968) is a Swedish politician who served as [[w:European Commissioner for Trade|European Commissioner for Trade]] from 2014 to 2019. She previously served as [[w:European Commissioner for Home Affairs|European Commissioner for Home Affairs]] from 2010 to 2014 and [[w:Minister for EU Affairs (Sweden)|Minister for European Union Affairs]] from 2006 to 2010. She was a [[w:Member of the European Parliament|Member of the European Parliament]] (MEP) from [[w:Sweden|Sweden]] from 1999 to 2006. She is a member of the Swedish [[w:Liberals (Sweden)|Liberals]], part of the [[w:Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe Party|Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe]]. {{political-stub}} {{women-stub}} == Quotes == * We are deeply concerned about the situation in [[Russia]] with regards to human rights. There are several examples of this situation, such as the new law requiring [[Non-governmental organization|NGOs]] to register as “foreign agents”, the law banning homosexual “propaganda”, problems with the rule of law and arbitrary judicial processes, and court rulings against the opposition.'' ** "[http://blogs.ec.europa.eu/malmstrom/situation-in-russia/ Situation in Russia]", ''My Blog'', European Commission, 17 January 2014. * There is an alarming increase of violence and harassment against gay people, something that is being legitimized by the regime as they brand homosexuality as something abnormal and dangerous to children. ** "[http://blogs.ec.europa.eu/malmstrom/situation-in-russia/ Situation in Russia]", ''My Blog'', European Commission, 17 January 2014. * I do not take my mandate from the [[Europe|European]] people. ** In response to the opposition against TTIP. Source: John Hilary. "[https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/i-didn-t-think-ttip-could-get-any-scarier-but-then-i-spoke-to-the-eu-official-in-charge-of-it-a6690591.html I didn’t think TTIP could get any scarier, but then I spoke to the EU official in charge of it]", independent.co.uk, 12 October 2015. Retrieved 27 January 2019. == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Malmström, Cecilia}} [[Category:People from Stockholm]] [[Category:Women politicians in Sweden]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] [[Category:1968 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the European Parliament]] [[Category:European Commissioners]] [[Category:Trade ministers]] [[Category:Interior ministers]] cp1j5o3ph9zjv9xtli5k5vu1hsiqd1t 0 152543 3944624 3833112 2026-05-23T21:56:53Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944624 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Conington, in or before 1869.jpg|thumb|[[Blank verse]] really deserving the name I believe to be impossible except to one or two eminent writers in a generation.]] [[File:Quintus Horatius Flaccus.jpg|thumb|Let hopes and sorrows, fears and angers be,<br />And think each day that dawns the last you'll see;<br />For so the hour that greets you unforeseen<br />Will bring with it enjoyment twice as keen.]] '''[[w:John Conington|John Conington]]''' ([[10 August]] [[1825]] – [[23 October]] [[1869]]) was an English classical scholar. == Quotes == [[File:Virgil bardo.jpg|thumb|It is true that the longer one has lived the better one can appreciate a poem which is concerned with life. But the gain that comes to us with the years depends, partly at least, upon the riches we have been willing to extract from [[literature]], which is the experience of men and women written out. In youth's search for this treasure the ''[[Aeneid]]'' will be at once a fair haven and a port of departure.]] * It is this principle [i.e. the interpretation of an original] which constitutes the true value of a really good translation—not as superseding the original even to the worst scholar, but as explaining it even to the best. ** "The Academical Study of Latin", address delivered by Professor Conington in the Theatre, Oxford, December 2, 1854, as his inaugural lecture, as published and reported in ''Miscellaneous Writings of John Conington'', ed. J. A. Symonds, Vol. I (1872), p. 208, and as quoted in ''The Aeneid of Virgil in Blank Verse'' by William J. Thornhill, Preface, p. vii * An inferior artist's only chance of giving pleasure. ** On rhyme. Preface to ''The Odes and Carmen Saeculare of [[Horace]]'' (1863), p. xi. * [[Blank verse]] really deserving the name I believe to be impossible except to one or two eminent writers in a generation. ** Preface to ''[[The Aeneid]] of [[Virgil]], Translated into English Verse by John Conington'' (1866), p. ix * A critical sense of style and of poetic form is not easy to attain, nor is it of first importance for the younger, or, indeed, for any student of Virgil. Wide open to anyone who is willing to learn is the richer knowledge of Virgil as a poet who loved his country and who loved also that humanity which existed before Rome, exists today within ourselves, and will exist long after our own civilization, like that of Virgil's Rome, has become a matter of "ancient history." It is true that the longer one has lived the better one can appreciate a poem which is concerned with life. But the gain that comes to us with the years depends, partly at least, upon the riches we have been willing to extract from literature, which is the experience of other men and women written out. In youth's search for this treasure the ''Aeneid'' will be at once a fair haven and a port of departure. ** Introduction<!--was the Introduction written by John Conington or by the editors?--> to ''The Aeneid of Virgil'' (Chicago and New York: Scott Foresman and Company, 1916), p. 45; partially quoted in ''School and Home Education'', Vol. 35 (1916), p. 172 === Commentary === ==== ''P. Vergili Maronis Opera'' ==== :<small>''The Works of Virgil, with a Commentary by John Conington, M.A.''</small> ===== Volume I (1858) ===== * There are few writers whose text is in so satisfactory a state as [[Virgil]]'s. ** Preface, p. xi ===== Volume II (1863) ===== * Virgil imitated [[Homer]], but imitated him as a [[rival]], not as a disciple. ** Introduction, p. 27 === Translations === ==== ''The Odes and Carmen Saeculare of [[Horace]]'' (1863) ==== [[File:Carpe diem-Horatius.jpg|thumb|In the moment of our talking, envious time has ebbed away.<br />Seize the present; trust tomorrow even as little as you may.]] * In the moment of our talking, envious time has ebb'd away.<br />Seize the present; trust to-morrow e'en as little as you may. ** Book I, ode xi * Ah! Postumus! Devotion fails<br />The lapse of gliding years to stay,<br />With wrinkled age it nought avails<br />Nor conjures conquering Death away. ** Book II, ode xiv * Death takes the mean man with the proud;<br />The fatal urn has room for all. ** Book III, ode i * No, trust the Muse: she opes the good man's grave,<br />And lifts him to the gods. ** Book IV, ode viii ==== ''The [[Aeneid]] of [[Virgil]]'' (1866) ==== ===== Book I ===== * So vast the labor to create<br />The fabric of the Roman state! ** p. 4 * Then should some man of worth appear<br />Whose stainless virtue all revere, <br />They hush, they list: his clear voice rules<br />Their rebel wills, their anger cools. ** p. 10 [[File:Illustrerad Verldshistoria band II Ill 010.png|thumb|This suffering will yield us yet<br />A pleasant tale to tell.]] * Comrades and friends! for ours is strength<br />Has brooked the test of woes;<br />O worse-scarred hearts! these wounds at length<br />The Gods will heal, like those. ** p. 12 * This suffering will yield us yet<br />A pleasant tale to tell. ** p. 12 * Bear up, and live for happier days. ** p. 12 * She turned, and flashed upon their view<br />Her stately neck's purpureal hue;<br />Ambrosial tresses round her head<br />A more than earthly fragrance shed:<br />Her falling robe her footprints swept,<br />And showed the goddess as she stept. ** p. 21 [[File:Aeneas' Flight from Troy by Federico Barocci.jpg|thumb|E'en here the tear of pity springs,<br />And hearts are touched by human things.]] [[File:Sir Nathaniel Dance-Holland - The Meeting of Dido and Aeneas - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Myself not ignorant of woe,<br />Compassion I have learned to show.]] * 'Is there, friend,' he cries, 'a spot<br />That knows not Troy's unhappy lot?' ** p. 23 * E'en here the tear of pity springs,<br />And hearts are touched by human things. ** p. 23 * If men and mortal arms ye slight,<br />Know there are gods who watch o'er right. ** p. 27 * May Heaven, if virtue claim its thought,<br />If justice yet avail for aught; <br />Heaven, and the sense of conscious right, <br />With worthier meed your acts requite! ** p. 29 * Myself not ignorant of woe,<br />Compassion I have learned to show. ** p. 31 ===== Book II ===== * Too cruel, lady, is the pain,<br />You bid me thus revive again. ** p. 39 * Now dews precipitate the night,<br />And setting stars to rest invite. ** p. 39 * I quail,<br />E'en now, at telling of the tale. ** p. 48 [[File:J G Trautmann Das brennende Troja.jpg|thumb|Then come the clamour and the blare,<br />And shouts and clarions rend the air.]] * Then come the clamour and the blare,<br />And shouts and clarions rend the air. ** p. 52 * Fury and wrath within me rave,<br />And tempt me to a warrior's grave. ** p. 52 * 'Tis come, our fated day of death. ** p. 53 * We have been Trojans: Troy has been:<br />She sat, but sits no more, a queen. ** p. 53 * Dire agonies, wild terrors swarm,<br />And Death glares grim in many a form. ** p. 55 ===== Book III ===== [[File:Bauer - Polydorus Polymnestor cropped.jpg|thumb|Fell lust of gold! abhorred, accurst!<br />What will not men to slake such thirst?]] [[File:Helenus and Andromache Give Presents to Aeneas (Aeneid, Book III) MET ES775.jpg|thumb|Live and be blest! 'tis sweet to feel<br />Fate's book is closed and under seal.<br />For us, alas! that volume stern<br />Has many another page to turn.]] * I heard, fear-stricken and amazed,<br /> My speech tongue-tied, my hair upraised. ** p. 77 * Fell lust of gold! abhorred, accurst!<br />What will not men to slake such thirst? ** p. 77 * Live and be blest! 'tis sweet to feel<br />Fate's book is closed and under seal.<br />For us, alas! that volume stern<br />Has many another page to turn. ** p. 96 * Snatch him, ye Gods, from mortal eyes! ** p. 101 * Huge, awful, hideous, ghastly, blind. ** p. 103 ===== Book IV ===== [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|While memory lasts and pulses beat,<br />The thought of Dido shall be sweet.]] [[File:Sacchi, Andrea - The Death of Dido - 17th c.jpg|thumb|My life is lived, and I have played<br />The part that Fortune gave.]] [[File:Death Dido Cayot Louvre MR1780.jpg|thumb|'To die! and unrevenged!' she said,<br />'Yet let me die.']] * Fear proves a base-born soul. ** p. 109 * She calls it marriage now; such name<br />She chooses to conceal her shame. ** p. 117 * "From me you fly! Ah! let me crave,<br />By these poor tears, that hand you gave—<br />Since, parting with my woman's pride,<br />My madness leaves me nought beside—<br />By that our wedlock, by the rite<br />Which, but begun, could yet unite,<br />If e'er my kindness held you bound,<br />If e'er in me your joy you found,<br />Look on this falling house, and still,<br />If prayer can touch you, change your will." ** p. 123 * While memory lasts and pulses beat,<br />The thought of Dido shall be sweet. ** p. 124 * Curst Love! what lengths of tyrant scorn <br /> Wreak'st not on those of woman born? ** p. 127 * A woman's will <br /> Is changeful and uncertain still. ** p. 134 * My life is lived, and I have played<br />The part that Fortune gave. ** p. 138 * 'To die! and unrevenged!' she said,<br />'Yet let me die.' ** p. 138 ===== Book V ===== [[File:Parco della Grotta di Posillipo5 (crop).jpg|thumb|They can because they think they can.]] * Hush your tongues from idle speech. ** p. 146 * They can because they think they can. ** p. 153 * My chief, let Fate cry on or back,<br />'Tis ours to follow, nothing slack:<br />Whate'er betide, he only cures<br />The stroke of Fortune who endures. ** p. 175 ===== Book VI ===== [[File:Aeneas and the Sibyl - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|The journey down to the abyss<br />Is prosperous and light:<br />The palace gates of gloomy Dis<br />Stand open day and night:<br />But upward to retrace the way<br />And pass into the light of day<br />There comes the stress of labour; this<br />May task a hero's might.]] * War, dreadful war, and Tiber flood<br />I see incarnadined with blood. ** p. 189 * The journey down to the abyss<br />Is prosperous and light:<br />The palace gates of gloomy Dis<br />Stand open day and night:<br />But upward to retrace the way<br />And pass into the light of day<br />There comes the stress of labour; this<br />May task a hero's might. ** p. 191 * Back, ye unhallowed! ** p. 197 * Now for a heart that scorns dismay:<br />Now for a soul prepared. ** p. 197 * Along the illimitable shade<br />Darkling and lone their way they made, <br />Through the vast kingdom of the dead, <br />An empty void, though tenanted:<br />So travellers in a forest move<br />With but the uncertain moon above,<br />Beneath her niggard light. ** p. 197 * At Orcus' portals hold their lair<br />Wild Sorrow and avenging Care;<br />And pale Diseases cluster there,<br />And pleasureless Decay<br />Foul Penury, and Fears that kill,<br />And Hunger, counsellor of ill,<br />A ghastly presence they:<br />Suffering and [[Death]] the threshold keep,<br />And with them Death's blood-brother, [[Sleep]]. ** p. 197 * No longer dream that human prayer<br />The will of Fate can overbear. ** p. 202 * A lethargy of sleep,<br />Most like to death, so calm, so deep. ** p. 209 * This to a tyrant master sold<br />His native land for cursed gold. ** p. 215 * No, had I e'en a hundred tongues,<br />A hundred mouths, and iron lungs,<br />Those types of guilt I could not show,<br />Nor tell the forms of penal woe. ** p. 215 * They reach the realms of tranquil bliss. <br />Green spaces folded in with trees,<br />A paradise of pleasances. ** p. 215 * Here sees he the illustrious dead<br />Who fighting for their country bled;<br />Priests who while earthly life remained<br />Preserved that life unsoiled, unstained;<br />Blest bards, transparent souls and clear,<br />Whose song was worthy Phoebus' ear;<br />Inventors who by arts refined<br />The common lot of human kind,<br />With all who grateful memory won<br />By services to others done:<br />A goodly brotherhood, bedight<br />With coronals of virgin white. ** p. 217 * Each for himself, we all sustain<br />The durance of our ghostly pain;<br />Then to Elysium we repair,<br />The few, and breathe this blissful air. ** p. 220 [[File:Ubeleski Aeneas and Anchises.jpg|thumb|But, Roman, thou, do thou control<br />The nations far and wide;<br />Be this thy genius, to impose<br /> The rule of peace on vanquished foes,<br /> Show pity to the humbled soul,<br /> And crush the sons of pride.]] * But, Roman, thou, do thou control<br />The nations far and wide;<br />Be this thy genius, to impose<br /> The rule of peace on vanquished foes,<br /> Show pity to the humbled soul,<br /> And crush the sons of pride. ** pp. 225–226 * Ah son! compel me not to speak<br />The sorrows of our race!<br />That youth the Fates but just display<br />To earth, nor let him longer stay:<br />With gifts like these for aye to hold,<br />Rome's heart had e'en been overbold.<br />Ah! what a groan from Mars's plain<br />Shall o'er the city sound!<br />How wilt thou gaze on that long train,<br />Old Tiber, rolling to the main<br />Beside his new-raised mound!<br />No youth of Ilium's seed inspires<br />With hope as fair his Latian sires:<br />Nor Rome shall dandle on her knee<br />A nursling so adored as he.<br />O piety! O ancient faith!<br />O hand untamed in battle scathe!<br />No foe had lived before his sword,<br />Stemmed he on foot the war's red tide<br />Or with relentless rowel gored<br />His foaming charger's side.<br />Dear child of pity! shouldst thou burst<br />The dungeon-bars of Fate accurst,<br />Our own Marcellus thou! ** pp. 226–227 * Sleep gives his name to portals twain;<br /> One all of horn, they say,<br /> Through which authentic spectres gain<br /> Quick exit into day,<br /> And one which bright with ivory gleams,<br /> Whence Pluto sends delusive dreams. ** p. 228 ===== Book VIII ===== * Terror wings his flight. ** p. 280 * Thou too take courage, wealth despise,<br />And fit thee to ascend the skies, <br />Nor be a poor man's courtesies<br />Rejected or disdained. ** p. 286 * Ah! would but Jupiter restore<br />The strength I had in days of yore! ** p. 294 * O ye Gods, and O great Jove,<br />Have pity on a father's love<br />And hear Evander's prayer:<br />If 'tis your purpose to restore<br />My Pallas to my arms once more;<br />If living is to see his face,<br />Then grant me life, of your dear grace:<br />No toil too hard to bear.<br />But ah! if Fortune be my foe,<br />And meditate some crushing blow,<br />Now, now the thread in mercy break,<br />While hope sees dim and cares mistake,<br />While still I clasp thee darling boy,<br />My latest and my only joy,<br />Nor let assurance, worse than fear,<br />With cruel tidings wound my ear. ** p. 295 ===== Book IX ===== <!--[[File:Nisus and Euryalus Surprise the Rutuli in their Camp (Aeneid, Book IX) MET ES774.jpg|thumb|Me, guilty me, make me your aim,<br />O Rutules! mine is all the blame;<br />He did no wrong, nor e'er could do;<br />That sky, those stars attest 'tis true;<br />Love for his friend too freely shown,<br />This was his crime, and this alone.]] [[File:Nisos Euryalos Louvre LL450 n2.jpg|thumb|Blest pair! if aught my verse avail, <br /> No day shall make your memory fail <br /> From off the heart of time.]]--> [[File:Sic itur ad astra (1928) - Pásztor János 01.jpg|thumb|'Tis thus that men to heaven aspire:<br />Go on and raise your glories higher.]] * Me, guilty me, make me your aim,<br />O Rutules! mine is all the blame;<br />He did no wrong, nor e'er could do;<br />That sky, those stars attest 'tis true;<br />Love for his friend too freely shown,<br />This was his crime, and this alone. ** p. 324 * Thus, severed by the ruthless plough,<br />Dim fades a purple flower:<br />Their weary necks so poppies bow,<br />O'erladen by the shower. ** p. 324 * [[w:Nisus and Euryalus|Blest pair]]! if aught my verse avail, <br /> No day shall make your memory fail <br /> From off the heart of time. ** p. 324 * 'Tis thus that men to heaven aspire:<br />Go on and raise your glories higher. ** p. 333 ===== Book X ===== [[File:Jupiter Smyrna Louvre Ma13.jpg|thumb|Each has his destined time: a span<br />Is all the heritage of man:<br />'Tis virtue's part by deeds of praise<br />To lengthen fame through after days.]] * Each has his destined time: a span<br />Is all the heritage of man:<br />'Tis virtue's part by deeds of praise<br />To lengthen fame through after days. ** p. 367 * O impotence of man's frail mind<br /> To fate and to the future blind,<br /> Presumptuous and o'erweening still <br /> When Fortune follows at its will! ** p. 369 ===== Book XI ===== * In vain she strives with dying hands<br />To wrench away the blade:<br />Fixed in her ribs the weapon stands,<br />Closed by the wound it made.<br />Bloodless and faint, she gasps for breath;<br />Her heavy eyes sink down in death;<br />Her cheek's bright colors fade. ** p. 427 ===== Book XII ===== * Why reel I thus, confused and blind?<br />What madness mars my sober mind? ** p. 436 * Fierce boils in every vein<br />Indignant shame and passion blind,<br />The tempest of the lover's mind,<br />The soldier's high disdain. ** p. 465 * Let Rome be glorious on the earth,<br />The centre of Italian worth. ** p. 472 ==== ''The Satires, Epistles, and Art of Poetry of [[Horace]]'' (1869) ==== ===== Satires ===== [[File:Fedor Bronnikov 014.jpg|thumb|Then take, good sir, your pleasure while you may;<br />With life so short 'twere wrong to lose a day.]] [[File:MANNapoli 109982 roue de la fortune memento mori.jpg|thumb|O Fortune, cruellest of heavenly powers,<br />Why make such game of this poor life of ours?]] * He who maligns an absent friend's fair fame,<br />Who says no word for him when others blame,<br />Who courts a reckless laugh by random hits,<br />Just for the sake of ranking among wits,<br />Who feigns what he ne'er saw, a secret blabs,<br />Beware him, Roman! that man steals or stabs! ** Book I, satire iv, p. 18 * Then take, good sir, your pleasure while you may;<br />With life so short 'twere wrong to lose a day. ** Book II, satire viii, p. 85 * O Fortune, cruellest of heavenly powers,<br />Why make such game of this poor life of ours? ** Book II, satire viii, p. 94 ===== Epistles ===== * You lose no time in taking out a fly,<br />Or straw, it may be, that torments your eye;<br />Why, when a thing devours your mind, adjourn<br />Till this day year all thought of the concern?<br />Come now, have courage to be wise: begin:<br />You're halfway over when you once plunge in:<br />He who puts off the time for mending, stands<br />A clodpoll by the stream with folded hands,<br />Waiting till all the water be gone past;<br />But it runs on, and will, while time shall last. ** Book I, epistle ii, p. 104 * Let hopes and sorrows, fears and angers be,<br />And think each day that dawns the last you'll see;<br />For so the hour that greets you unforeseen<br />Will bring with it enjoyment twice as keen. ** Book I, epistle iv, p. 108 * Virtue's a mere name,<br />Or 'tis high venture that achieves high aim. ** Book I, epistle xvii, p. 138 * For easier 'tis to learn and recollect<br />What moves derision than what claims respect. ** Book II, epistle i, p. 160 ===== Art of Poetry ===== [[File:Quinto Orazio Flacco.jpg|thumb|None knows the reason why this curse<br />Was sent on him, this love of making verse.]] * Who hopes by strange variety to please,<br />Puts dolphins among forests, boars in seas. ** p. 172 * Mere grace is not enough: a play should thrill<br />The hearer's soul, and move it at its will. ** p. 175 * The gods implore<br />To crush the proud and elevate the poor. ** p. 180 * What's kept at home you cancel by a stroke:<br />What's sent abroad you never can revoke. ** p. 188 * None knows the reason why this curse<br />Was sent on him, this love of making verse. ** p. 191 ==== ''The Poems of Virgil Translated Into English Prose'' (1872) ==== :<small>In: ''Miscellaneous Writings of the Late John Conington'', ed. by J. A. Symonds, Vol. II (1872)</small> * A wet summer and a fine winter should be the farmer's prayer. ** Georgics, Book I, p. 39 * Arise from my bones, my unknown avenger. ** Aeneid, Book IV, p. 216 ==Quotes about Conington== * [John Conington's] translation of the Satires and Epistles of Horace [are] on the whole, perhaps, the best and most successful translation of a Classic, that exists in the English language. ** [[w:Hugh Andrew Johnstone Munro|Hugh Andrew Johnstone Munro]], as quoted in ''The Quarterly Review'', Vol. 130 (1871), p. 531 == External links == {{wikisource author}} * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Conington, John}} [[Category:1825 births]] [[Category:1869 deaths]] [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] jgeddpsqvjlnm24ooelgyxqrmbnljle 0 155719 3944543 3936803 2026-05-23T17:42:06Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944543 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Salty's Lighthouse|Salty's Lighthouse]]''''' was an American children's animated television series and a spin-off of ''[[Tugs]]'' and ''[[Shining Time Station]]'' produced by [[w:Sunbow Entertainment|Sunbow Entertainment]] and [[w:TLC (TV channel)|TLC]] in 1997 to 1998 in association with the Bank Street College of Education in New York. It centered on a young American boy named Salty who played and learned with his friends in a magical lighthouse. As well as the animated adventures of Salty and his friends, the series used live-action footage from ''Tugs'' for various segments. 40 episodes were produced in the series. It ran from October 3, 1997 to June 26, 1998 on [[w:TLC (TV channel)|TLC]] and later on [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] in the UK and [[w:Fox Kids (Australia)|Fox Kids]] in Australia. The show was aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school children, and from ages 4 to 7. ==Season 1== ===Hercules In Trouble=== :'''Ten Cents''': You okay, Lillie? :'''Lillie''': I'm fine but I'm afraid Hercules is not. :'''Sunshine''': Oh, no! :'''Ten Cents''': What do you mean 'Oh, no!', Sunshine? :'''Sunshine''': I just remembered! Hercules is bringing in a big ocean liner and he needs Lillie's light to see through the fog but without it, he can't! :'''Top Hat''': If Hercules and that liner hit those rocks, they'll have big holes in their sides and they'll both sink. :'''Big Stack''': We need to come up with a rescue plan and fast! :'''Ten Cents''': And I have the perfect one. First, Warrior and Sunshine will move Lillie to a safe spot in the harbor. Then, Big Stack will switch his light on and off, off and on. Then, Top Hat and Otis will tell Hercules that Lillie's light, which actually Big Stack's, is fixed. Then I'll call out "DANGER! LOOK OUT!". Has everyone got that? :'''Sunshine''': All set, big brother. :'''Warrior''': Ready and waitin'. :'''Otis''': Ready on your mark. :'''Big Stack''': At the ready. :'''Top Hat''': Ready when you are. :'''Ten Cents''': Okay, everyone, here they come. And, now! :'''Aurora''': Soon, everyone has a job to do. Sunshine and Warrior move Lillie to a safe spot in the harbor. Then, Big Stack switches his light on and off, off and on. Then, Top Hat and Otis go to tell Hercules that Lillie, who is actually Big Stack, is waiting for him. And Ten Cents gets ready to call out to Hercules. :'''Top Hat''': Great news, Hercules. :'''Otis''': Lillie's light is fixed and she's waitin' for ya. :'''Hercules''': Thanks, guys. And about time too. :'''Aurora''': Not too far away, Big Stack sees Hercules coming towards him and Ten Cents with the liner. :'''Big Stack''': Now, Ten Cents! :'''Ten Cents''': DANGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Hercules''': Huh? :'''Ten Cents''': ''[in distance]'' DANGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Hercules''': Oh, no! There's danger ahead. I better change direction. :'''Aurora''': Meanwhile, Sunshine and Warrior have found a safe spot for Lillie. :'''Sunshine''': You're safe now, Lillie. :'''Lillie''': Thanks to Ten Cents, I am. :'''Ten Cents''': WE DID IT! We saved the liner! :'''Top Hat''': We may have saved the liner but we haven't saved Hercules. :'''Ten Cents''': Why? What's wrong? :'''Top Hat''': Hercules is headed for a waterfall. :'''Ten Cents''': A waterfall? Oh, no! :'''Otis''': If Hercules goes over that thing, he's done for. :'''Ten Cents''': No he isn't! ''[switches on radio]'' Ten Cents to Hercules! Come in, Hercules! :'''Hercules''': Ten Cents, is that you? ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} *{{IMDb title|tt2881474}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category: Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Discovery Family shows]] [[Category:Syndicated shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Syndicated shows]] [[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] cati0uswomdruypdfv8anjeu62y9tmy 3944545 3944543 2026-05-23T17:43:37Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944545 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Salty's Lighthouse|Salty's Lighthouse]]''''' was an American children's animated television series and a spin-off of ''[[Tugs]]'' and ''[[Shining Time Station]]'' produced by [[w:Sunbow Entertainment|Sunbow Entertainment]] and [[w:TLC (TV channel)|TLC]] in 1997 to 1998 in association with the Bank Street College of Education in New York. It centered on a young American boy named Salty who played and learned with his friends in a magical lighthouse. As well as the animated adventures of Salty and his friends, the series used live-action footage from ''Tugs'' for various segments. 40 episodes were produced in the series. It ran from October 3, 1997 to June 26, 1998 on [[w:TLC (TV channel)|TLC]] and later on [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] in the UK and [[w:Fox Kids (Australia)|Fox Kids]] in Australia. The show was aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school children, and from ages 5 to 8. ==Season 1== ===Hercules In Trouble=== :'''Ten Cents''': You okay, Lillie? :'''Lillie''': I'm fine but I'm afraid Hercules is not. :'''Sunshine''': Oh, no! :'''Ten Cents''': What do you mean 'Oh, no!', Sunshine? :'''Sunshine''': I just remembered! Hercules is bringing in a big ocean liner and he needs Lillie's light to see through the fog but without it, he can't! :'''Top Hat''': If Hercules and that liner hit those rocks, they'll have big holes in their sides and they'll both sink. :'''Big Stack''': We need to come up with a rescue plan and fast! :'''Ten Cents''': And I have the perfect one. First, Warrior and Sunshine will move Lillie to a safe spot in the harbor. Then, Big Stack will switch his light on and off, off and on. Then, Top Hat and Otis will tell Hercules that Lillie's light, which actually Big Stack's, is fixed. Then I'll call out "DANGER! LOOK OUT!". Has everyone got that? :'''Sunshine''': All set, big brother. :'''Warrior''': Ready and waitin'. :'''Otis''': Ready on your mark. :'''Big Stack''': At the ready. :'''Top Hat''': Ready when you are. :'''Ten Cents''': Okay, everyone, here they come. And, now! :'''Aurora''': Soon, everyone has a job to do. Sunshine and Warrior move Lillie to a safe spot in the harbor. Then, Big Stack switches his light on and off, off and on. Then, Top Hat and Otis go to tell Hercules that Lillie, who is actually Big Stack, is waiting for him. And Ten Cents gets ready to call out to Hercules. :'''Top Hat''': Great news, Hercules. :'''Otis''': Lillie's light is fixed and she's waitin' for ya. :'''Hercules''': Thanks, guys. And about time too. :'''Aurora''': Not too far away, Big Stack sees Hercules coming towards him and Ten Cents with the liner. :'''Big Stack''': Now, Ten Cents! :'''Ten Cents''': DANGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Hercules''': Huh? :'''Ten Cents''': ''[in distance]'' DANGER! LOOK OUT! :'''Hercules''': Oh, no! There's danger ahead. I better change direction. :'''Aurora''': Meanwhile, Sunshine and Warrior have found a safe spot for Lillie. :'''Sunshine''': You're safe now, Lillie. :'''Lillie''': Thanks to Ten Cents, I am. :'''Ten Cents''': WE DID IT! We saved the liner! :'''Top Hat''': We may have saved the liner but we haven't saved Hercules. :'''Ten Cents''': Why? What's wrong? :'''Top Hat''': Hercules is headed for a waterfall. :'''Ten Cents''': A waterfall? Oh, no! :'''Otis''': If Hercules goes over that thing, he's done for. :'''Ten Cents''': No he isn't! ''[switches on radio]'' Ten Cents to Hercules! Come in, Hercules! :'''Hercules''': Ten Cents, is that you? ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} *{{IMDb title|tt2881474}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows with live action and animation]] [[Category: Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Discovery Family shows]] [[Category:Syndicated shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Syndicated shows]] [[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] kldi7d8pjhnbx4v9xiog5sgm5fgo6cw 0 157282 3944488 3942868 2026-05-23T13:49:00Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944488 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Lorde Lollapalooza 2014 (3).jpg|thumb|Lorde in 2014]] '''[[w:Lorde|Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O'Connor]]''' (born [[7 November]] [[1996]]), known by her stage name '''Lorde''', is a Grammy Award-winning New Zealand singer-songwriter. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * The only thing to contemplate there is this raw force. It's as much terror as beauty. You don't feel welcomed by the natural world – I completely felt like an interloper. ** On fulfilling her "lifelong dream" to visit Antarctica in February 2019. ** Snapes, Laura (2021-06-25). "[https://www.theguardian.com/music/2021/jun/25/lorde-im-only-just-scratching-the-surface-of-my-powers Lorde: 'I'm not a climate activist. I'm a pop star']". ''The Guardian'' (accessed 14 November 2024) * I'm a feminist and the theme of her song is, 'When you're ready come and get it from me.' I'm sick of women being portrayed this way. ** On [[Selena Gomez]]' song "Come & Get It" ** Blake, Emily (2013-11-07). "[http://www.mtv.com/news/1717083/selena-gomez-lorde-response/ Selena Gomez Hits Back At Lorde: 'That's Not Feminism']". ''MTV News'' (accessed 6 July 2014) == External links == {{wikipedia|Lorde}} {{commons category|Lorde}} * {{Official website|http://lorde.co.nz/}} [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters]] [[Category:Women singers from New Zealand]] [[Category:People from Auckland]] [[Category:1996 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Brit Award winners]] [[Category:Shorty Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] l63xfpxwlta9m429pge9fxc51rraxqy 0 173717 3944468 3916785 2026-05-23T13:42:52Z Saroj 2925457 removed [[Category:Feminists]]; added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944468 wikitext text/x-wiki [[file:Selma Lagerlöf.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Lagerlöf (1909)]] [[File:Selma_Lagerlof_(1908),_painted_by_Carl_Larsson.jpg|thumb|Selma Lagerlöf, painted by [[Carl Larsson]] (1908)]] '''[[w:Selma Lagerlöf|Selma Ottilia Lovisa Lagerlöf]]''' ([[20 November]] [[1858]] – [[16 March]] [[1940]]) was a Swedish [[author]]. She was the first woman to win the Nobel Prize in Literature. == Quotes == * Women can do nothing that has permanence. ** ''The Miracles of Anti-Christ'' (1899) *If you have learned anything at all from us, Tummetott, you no longer think that the [[human]]s should have the whole [[earth]] to themselves. ** ''[[w:The Wonderful Adventures of Nils|The Further Adventures of Nils]]'' (1907) ** Said by Akka, leader of the wild geese to Nils == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commons|Selma Lagerlöf|Selma Lagerlöf}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lagerlöf, Selma}} [[Category:Children's authors]] [[Category:Novelists from Sweden]] [[Category:Short story writers from Sweden]] [[Category:Educators from Sweden]] [[Category:Academics from Sweden]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1858 births]] [[Category:1940 deaths]] [[Category:Nobel laureates in Literature]] [[Category:Nobel laureates from Sweden]] [[Category:Women authors]] [[Category:Women born in the 19th century]] [[Category:People who are first to]] [[Category:Women Nobel laureates]] bnu69cvr1hbfl5x67tceg5pzw0ek41f 0 175296 3944579 3798314 2026-05-23T20:11:34Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Quotes */ 3944579 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == * <p>When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore <br>When the world seems to shine Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. <br>Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, "Vita bella" <br>Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay Like a gay tarantella. * When the stars make you drool Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore <br>When you dance down the street With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. <br>When you walk in a dream But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. <br>Scusami, but you see Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. ** ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] c6s6meh1jx2vsy0gtu7api0pth3v0ou 3944580 3944579 2026-05-23T20:11:50Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944580 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == * When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore <br>When the world seems to shine Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. <br>Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, "Vita bella" <br>Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay Like a gay tarantella. * When the stars make you drool Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore <br>When you dance down the street With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. <br>When you walk in a dream But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. <br>Scusami, but you see Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. ** ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] h7uqmeo6r8yohssqlb165hdlm763o6w 3944581 3944580 2026-05-23T20:38:52Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944581 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. ** ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] 2hup26j899zjfqx4ey5hjyydjjphm5l 3944582 3944581 2026-05-23T20:39:23Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944582 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. ** ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] 0s5yaxlxaxqeeaxatf9lv3ij9usy6x2 3944583 3944582 2026-05-23T20:40:13Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944583 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] edpmhsbkgmgzvj23d6rhtiqm3nsa4i3 3944585 3944583 2026-05-23T21:07:13Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944585 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :(choir) If I had it in my power. :(Dean) I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :(choir) Then every minute, every hour. :(Dean) Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] 11ezei8lv42owk0bs15lo37zjnw7rdu 3944586 3944585 2026-05-23T21:08:08Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944586 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :(choir) If I had it in my power. :(Dean) I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :(choir) Then every minute, every hour. :(Dean) Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] ob4w27xa6zwqp9wcy1z0o2iit3iajrn 3944587 3944586 2026-05-23T21:11:13Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944587 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody loves somebody sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] 1r0rvkpxnztqyel5be526na8f1g4ed0 3944625 3944587 2026-05-23T21:57:01Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944625 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] npsoratsi2tpwed6dm1nab37z302xmb 3944696 3944625 2026-05-24T03:44:56Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944696 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] h3n886lnr8tq2xtgu8f0r3tu2v5zrtq 3944711 3944696 2026-05-24T04:25:15Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944711 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, on love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) * ''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] 1q2kxxfuq4ia3dnf949vhsbn5c0hntx 3944727 3944711 2026-05-24T04:39:46Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944727 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, on love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) * ''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) :Volare, oh oh. :Cantare, oh oh oh oh. :Let's fly way up to the clouds. :Away from the maddening crowds. :We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of :Where lovers enjoy peace of mind. :Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind. :Just like birds of a feather, a :rainbow together we'll find. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :''(in Italian)'' Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu. :Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu. :Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito. :E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. :E volavo, volavo felice piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu su. :Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu. :Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me. :Volare, oh oh. :E cantare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. * ''[[w:Nel blu, dipinto di blu|Volare]]'', written by [[w:Domenico Modugno|Domenico Modugno]], [[w:Franco Migliacci|Franco Migliacci]], and [[w:Mitchell Parish|Mitchell Parish]] (1958) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] o8h9r9f72xtr22tne09dy23jlsikcfk 3944789 3944727 2026-05-24T08:57:48Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944789 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, one love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) * ''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) :Volare, oh oh. :Cantare, oh oh oh oh. :Let's fly way up to the clouds. :Away from the maddening crowds. :We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of :Where lovers enjoy peace of mind. :Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind. :Just like birds of a feather, a :rainbow together we'll find. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :''(in Italian)'' Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu. :Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu. :Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito. :E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. :E volavo, volavo felice piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu su. :Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu. :Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me. :Volare, oh oh. :E cantare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. * ''[[w:Nel blu, dipinto di blu|Volare]]'', written by [[w:Domenico Modugno|Domenico Modugno]], [[w:Franco Migliacci|Franco Migliacci]], and [[w:Mitchell Parish|Mitchell Parish]] (1958) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] p0gzicuv5cnqmqsevv60n9hzbobg58p 3944790 3944789 2026-05-24T09:00:42Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944790 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, :"Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, :tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, one love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) * ''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) :Volare, oh oh. :Cantare, oh oh oh oh. :Let's fly way up to the clouds. :Away from the maddening crowds. :We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of :Where lovers enjoy peace of mind. :Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind. :Just like birds of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :''(in Italian)'' Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu. :Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu. :Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito. :E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. :E volavo, volavo felice piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu su. :Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu. :Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me. :Volare, oh oh. :E cantare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. * ''[[w:Nel blu, dipinto di blu|Volare]]'', written by [[w:Domenico Modugno|Domenico Modugno]], [[w:Franco Migliacci|Franco Migliacci]], and [[w:Mitchell Parish|Mitchell Parish]] (1958) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] l67s1qdb0fnhz5t4ev94kivzdq98bkt 3944793 3944790 2026-05-24T09:06:26Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944793 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, "Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. * ''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. * ''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, one love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) * ''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) :Volare, oh oh. :Cantare, oh oh oh oh. :Let's fly way up to the clouds. :Away from the maddening crowds. :We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of :Where lovers enjoy peace of mind. :Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind. :Just like birds of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :''(in Italian)'' Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu. :Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu. :Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito. :E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. :E volavo, volavo felice piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu su. :Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu. :Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me. :Volare, oh oh. :E cantare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. * ''[[w:Nel blu, dipinto di blu|Volare]]'', written by [[w:Domenico Modugno|Domenico Modugno]], [[w:Franco Migliacci|Franco Migliacci]], and [[w:Mitchell Parish|Mitchell Parish]] (1958) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] dzn36lm6f3dhx7r8gavpuix0io195hm 3944802 3944793 2026-05-24T10:39:33Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944802 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, "Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. **''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. **''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, one love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) **''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) :Volare, oh oh. :Cantare, oh oh oh oh. :Let's fly way up to the clouds. :Away from the maddening crowds. :We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of :Where lovers enjoy peace of mind. :Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind. :Just like birds of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :''(in Italian)'' Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu. :Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu. :Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito. :E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. :E volavo, volavo felice piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu su. :Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu. :Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me. :Volare, oh oh. :E cantare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. **''[[w:Nel blu, dipinto di blu|Volare]]'', written by [[w:Domenico Modugno|Domenico Modugno]], [[w:Franco Migliacci|Franco Migliacci]], and [[w:Mitchell Parish|Mitchell Parish]] (1958) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] 1gbntw7vg0qpsqjw3ii79envui18q0r 3944804 3944802 2026-05-24T10:53:03Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944804 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, "Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. **''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :How lucky can one guy be? :I kissed her and she kissed me. :Like the fella once said. :"Ain't that a kick in the head?" :The room was completely black. :I hugged her and she hugged back. :Like the sailor said, quote "Ain't that a hole in a boat?" :My head keeps spinnin' :I go to sleep and keep grinnin' :If this is just the beginnin' :My life is gonna be beautiful :I've sunshine enough to spread :It's just like the fella said :Tell me quick, ain't love a kick in the head? **''[[w:Ain't That a Kick in the Head|Ain't That a Kick in the Head]]'', written by [[w:Jimmy Van Heusen|Jimmy Van Heusen]] and [[w:Sammy Cahn|Sammy Cahn]] (1960) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. **''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, one love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) **''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) :Volare, oh oh. :Cantare, oh oh oh oh. :Let's fly way up to the clouds. :Away from the maddening crowds. :We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of :Where lovers enjoy peace of mind. :Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind. :Just like birds of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :''(in Italian)'' Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu. :Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu. :Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito. :E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. :E volavo, volavo felice piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu su. :Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu. :Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me. :Volare, oh oh. :E cantare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. **''[[w:Nel blu, dipinto di blu|Volare]]'', written by [[w:Domenico Modugno|Domenico Modugno]], [[w:Franco Migliacci|Franco Migliacci]], and [[w:Mitchell Parish|Mitchell Parish]] (1958) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] 0blke8vt3nntgopkn17hpxa0y7aeghx 3944805 3944804 2026-05-24T10:54:33Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Song lyrics */ 3944805 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). {{actor-stub}} == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, "Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. **''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :How lucky can one guy be? :I kissed her and she kissed me. :Like the fella once said. :"Ain't that a kick in the head?" :The room was completely black. :I hugged her and she hugged back. :Like the sailor said, quote :"Ain't that a hole in a boat?" :My head keeps spinnin' :I go to sleep and keep grinnin' :If this is just the beginnin' :My life is gonna be beautiful :I've sunshine enough to spread :It's just like the fella said :Tell me quick, ain't love a kick in the head? **''[[w:Ain't That a Kick in the Head|Ain't That a Kick in the Head]]'', written by [[w:Jimmy Van Heusen|Jimmy Van Heusen]] and [[w:Sammy Cahn|Sammy Cahn]] (1960) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. **''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, one love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) **''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) :Volare, oh oh. :Cantare, oh oh oh oh. :Let's fly way up to the clouds. :Away from the maddening crowds. :We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of :Where lovers enjoy peace of mind. :Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind. :Just like birds of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :''(in Italian)'' Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu. :Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu. :Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito. :E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. :E volavo, volavo felice piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu su. :Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu. :Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me. :Volare, oh oh. :E cantare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. **''[[w:Nel blu, dipinto di blu|Volare]]'', written by [[w:Domenico Modugno|Domenico Modugno]], [[w:Franco Migliacci|Franco Migliacci]], and [[w:Mitchell Parish|Mitchell Parish]] (1958) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] mlabnt1gd89suyp4qffa86y3265fk38 3944810 3944805 2026-05-24T11:19:56Z Filmator1 3314256 /* */ 3944810 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dean Martin - publicity.JPG|thumb|I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day.]] '''[[w:Dean Martin|Dean Paul Martin]]''' (born '''Dino Paul Crocetti'''; [[June 7]], [[1917]] – [[December 25]], [[1995]]) was an American singer, actor, comedian, and film producer. One of the most popular and enduring American entertainers of the mid-20th century, Martin was nicknamed the "King of Cool" for his seemingly effortless charisma and self-assuredness. He and [[Jerry Lewis]] formed the "[[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]]" comedy team. He was a member of the "[[w:Rat Pack|Rat Pack]]" and a star in concert stage/[[w:Nightclub|nightclub]]s, recordings, motion pictures, and television. He was the host of the television variety program ''[[w:The Dean Martin Show|The Dean Martin Show]]'' (1965–1974) and ''[[w:The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast|The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast]]'' (1974–1985). == Quotes == * I'd hate to be a teetotaller. Imagine getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as you're going to feel all day. ** [http://books.google.com/books?id=m-gqAQAAIAAJ&q=%22I'd+hate+to+be+a+teetotaller+Imagine+getting+up+in+the+morning+and+knowing+that's+as+good+as+you-re+going+to+feel+all+day%22&pg=PA276#v=onepage Quoted] by [[w:Leslie Halliwell|Leslie Halliwell]] in ''[[w:The Filmgoer's Companion|Halliwell's Who's Who in the Movies]]'' (1984) == Song lyrics == :When the moon hits your eye<br>Like a big pizza pie, that's Amore. :When the world seems to shine :Like you've had too much wine, that's Amore. :Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling :Ting-a-ling-a-ling and you'll sing, "Vita bella." :Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay :Like a gay tarantella. :When the stars make you drool :Just like a pasta e fasule, that's Amore. :When you dance down the street :With a cloud at your feet, you're in love. :When you walk in a dream :But you know, you're not dreaming, signore. :Scusami, but you see :Back in old Napoli, that's Amore. **''[[w:That's Amore|That's Amore]]'', written by [[w:Harry Warren|Harry Warren]] (music) and [[w:Jack Brooks (lyricist)|Jack Brooks]] (lyrics) (1953) :How lucky can one guy be? :I kissed her and she kissed me. :Like the fella once said. :"Ain't that a kick in the head?" :The room was completely black. :I hugged her and she hugged back. :Like the sailor said, quote :"Ain't that a hole in a boat?" :My head keeps spinnin' :I go to sleep and keep grinnin' :If this is just the beginnin' :My life is gonna be beautiful :I've sunshine enough to spread :It's just like the fella said :Tell me quick, ain't love a kick in the head? **''[[w:Ain't That a Kick in the Head|Ain't That a Kick in the Head]]'', written by [[w:Jimmy Van Heusen|Jimmy Van Heusen]] and [[w:Sammy Cahn|Sammy Cahn]] (1960) :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :Everybody falls in love somehow. :Something in your kiss just told me :My sometime is now. :Everybody finds somebody someplace. :There's no telling where love may appear. :Something in my heart keeps saying :My someplace is here. :If I had it in my power. :I'd arrange for every girl to have your charms. :Then every minute, every hour, :Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. :''(choir)'' If I had it in my power. :''(Dean)'' I would arrange for every girl to have your charms. :''(choir)'' Then every minute, every hour. :''(Dean)'' Every boy would find what I found in your arms. :Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime. :And although my dream was overdue. :Your love made it well worth waiting :For someone like you. **''[[w:Everybody Loves Somebody|Everybody Loves Somebody]]'', written by [[w:Irving Taylor (songwriter)|Irving Taylor]] and [[w:Ken Lane|Ken Lane]] (1964) :''(choir)'' The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me. :''(Dean)'' Take one fresh and tender kiss. :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :''(Dean)'' Add one stolen night of bliss :(choir: The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One girl, one boy, some grief, some joy. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Don't forget a small moon beam. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Fold in lightly with a dream. :Your lips and mine, two sips of wine. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Then add the wedding bells, one house where lovers dwell. :Three little kids for the flavor, :stir carefully through the days. :See how the flavor stays. :These are the dreams you will savor. :With His blessings from above. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Serve it generously with love. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :One man, one wife, one love through life. :(I was rover, but now it's over. :It was a happy day when you came my way to tell me.) :Memories are made of this. :(Of the sweet sweet memories you gave-a me. :You can't beat the memories you gave-a me.) :Memories are made of this. :(The sweet sweet memories you gave-a me.) **''[[w:Memories Are Made of This|Memories Are Made of This]]'', written by [[w:Terry Gilkyson|Terry Gilkyson]], Richard Dehr, and [[w:Frank Miller (singer)|Frank Miller]] (1955) :Volare, oh oh. :Cantare, oh oh oh oh. :Let's fly way up to the clouds. :Away from the maddening crowds. :We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of :Where lovers enjoy peace of mind. :Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind. :Just like birds of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :''(in Italian)'' Penso che un sogno cosi non ritorni mai piu. :Mi dipingevo le mani e la faccia di blu. :Poi d'improvviso venivo dal vento rapito. :E incominciavo a volare nel cielo infinito. :Volare, oh oh. :E contare, oh oh oh oh. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. :E volavo, volavo felice piu in alto del sole ed ancora piu su. :Mentre il mondo pian piano spariva lontano laggiu. :Una musica dolce suonava soltanto per me. :Volare, oh oh. :E cantare, oh oh oh oh. :No wonder my happy heart sings. :Your love has given me wings. :Nel blu, dipinto di blu. :Felice di stare lassu. **''[[w:Nel blu, dipinto di blu|Volare]]'', written by [[w:Domenico Modugno|Domenico Modugno]], [[w:Franco Migliacci|Franco Migliacci]], and [[w:Mitchell Parish|Mitchell Parish]] (1958) == See also == * [[The Rat Pack (film)|''The Rat Pack'' (film)]] * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Martin, Dean}} [[Category:1917 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Actors from Ohio]] [[Category:Former Roman Catholics]] o31ylqz8xmkebad4h8jjtpm1zc4kgkx 0 175547 3944532 3936332 2026-05-23T17:00:36Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* M */ 3944532 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of television shows:''' ---- [[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===I=== * ''[[I Am Weasel]]'' * ''[[I Dream of Jeannie]]'' * ''[[I Love Lucy]]'' * ''[[iCarly]]'' * ''[[The Incredible Hulk (1978 TV series)|Incredible Hulk, The]]'' * ''[[The Inbetweeners|Inbetweeners, The]]'' * ''[[Indebted]]'' * ''[[In Plain Sight]]'' * ''[[In the Heat of the Night (TV series)|In the Heat of the Night]]'' * ''[[In Treatment]]'' * ''[[In the Night Garden...]]'' * ''[[Infinity Train]]'' * ''[[Inspector Gadget]]'' * ''[[Inspector Morse (TV series)|Inspector Morse]]'' * ''[[Instant Star]]'' * ''[[Intelligence (U.S. TV series)|Intelligence]]'' (united States) * ''[[InuYasha]]'' * ''[[Invader Zim]]'' * ''[[Invasion America]]'' * ''[[Iron Chef]]'' * ''[[Iron Man: Armored Adventures]]'' * ''[[The IT Crowd|IT Crowd, The]]'' * ''[[I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!]]'' * ''[[It – Welcome to Derry]]'' * ''[[It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]]'' * ''[[It's Pony]]'' * ''[[iZombie (TV series)|iZombie]]'' ===J=== * ''[[JAG (TV series)|JAG]]'' * ''[[Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks]]'' * ''[[Jane and the Dragon (TV series)|Jane and the Dragon]]'' * ''[[Jane the Virgin]]'' * ''[[Jay Jay the Jet Plane]]'' * ''[[Jeeves and Wooster]]'' * ''[[The Jeffersons]]'' * ''[[Jekyll (TV series)|Jekyll]]'' * ''[[Jericho (TV series)|Jericho]]'' * ''[[Jeopardy!]]'' * ''[[Jessica Jones (TV series)|Jessica Jones]]'' * ''[[Jessie (TV Series)|Jessie]]'' (Removed) * [[The Jetsons|''Jetsons'', ''The'']] * [[The Jim Henson Hour|''Jim Henson Hour'', ''The'']] * ''[[Joan of Arcadia]]'' * ''[[Joey (TV series)|Joey]]'' * ''[[John Adams (miniseries)|John Adams]]'' * ''[[Johnny Bravo]]'' * ''[[Johnny Test]]'' (Removed) * ''[[JoJo's Bizarre Adventure]]'' * ''[[Jonathan Creek]]'' * ''[[Jonny Quest]]'' * ''[[Josie and the Pussycats]]'' * ''[[Journeyman]]'' * ''[[jPod]]'' * ''[[Judge Judy]]'' * ''[[Julie and the Phantoms]]'' * ''[[Justice League (TV series)|Justice League]]'' * ''[[Justice League Unlimited]]'' * ''[[Justified (TV series)|Justified]]'' ===K=== * ''[[Kablam!]]'' * ''[[Kappa Mikey]]'' * ''[[Kate & Allie]]'' * ''[[Kath & Kim]]'' * ''[[Keeping Up Appearances]]'' * ''[[Keeping Up With the Kardashians]]'' * ''[[Kenan & Kel]]'' * ''[[Kevin Can Wait]]'' * ''[[Kiddy Grade]]'' * ''[[Kiddy Girl-and]]'' * ''[[Kids' Court]]’’ * Kiff (TV series) * ''[[The Kids in the Hall|Kids in the Hall, The]]'' * ''[[Kill la Kill]]'' * ''[[Kim Possible]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts]]'' * ''[[Kipper (TV Series)]]'' * ''[[King of Queens]]'' * ''[[King of the Hill]]'' * ''[[Kingdom]]'' * ''[[Kingdom Hospital]]'' * ''[[Kirby: Right Back at Ya!]]'' * ''[[Kitchen Nightmares]]'' * ''[[Knight Rider]]'' * ''[[The Knights of Prosperity|Knights of Prosperity, The]]'' * ''[[Kojak]]'' * ''[[Kolchak: The Night Stalker]]'' * ''[[Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire|Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire]]'' * ''[[Kung Fu (TV series)|Kung Fu]]'' * ''[[Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness]]'' * ''[[Kyle XY]]'' * Kim’s Convenience (Canada) ===L=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The L Word|L Word, The]]'' * ''[[L.A. 7]]'' * ''[[La Femme Nikita]]'' * ''[[Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County]]'' * ''[[Land of the Lost]]'' * ''[[The Larry Sanders Show|Larry Sanders Show, The]]'' * ''[[Las Vegas (TV series)|Las Vegas]]'' * ''[[Last of the Summer Wine]]'' * ''[[Late Night with Conan O'Brien]]'' * ''[[Laverne & Shirley]]'' * ''[[Law & Order]]'' * ''[[Law & Order: Criminal Intent]]'' * ''[[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit]]'' * ''[[Law & Order: UK]]'' * ''[[The League|League, The]]'' * ''[[Leave it to Beaver]]'' * ''[[The Legend of Korra|Legend of Korra, The]]'' * ''[[Legend of the Seeker]]'' * ''[[The Legend of Zelda (TV series)|Legend Of Zelda, The]]'' * ''[[Letterkenny]]'' * ''[[Leverage]]'' * ''[[Lexx]]'' * ''[[Lie to Me]]'' * ''[[Life (TV series)|Life]]'' * ''[[The Life and Times of Juniper Lee|Life and Times of Juniper Lee, The]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Life in Pieces]]'' * ''[[Life of Ryan]]'' * ''[[Life on a Stick]]'' * ''[[Life on Mars (UK TV series)]]'' * ''[[Life Unexpected]]'' * ''[[Life With Derek]]'' * ''[[Lil' Jeremy]]'' * ''[[Lilo & Stitch: The Series]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Limitless (TV series)|Limitless]]'' * ''[[Lincoln Heights]]'' * ''[[Little Britain]]'' * ''[[Little House on the Prairie (TV series)|Little House on the Prairie]]'' * ''[[Little Miss Jocelyn]]'' * ''[[Little Mosque on the Prairie]]'' * ''[[Lloyd in Space]]'' * ''[[Lobo (web series)|Lobo]]'' * ''[[Loki (TV series)]]'' * [[Lolirock]] * ''[[Look Around You]]'' * ''[[Lopez vs Lopez]]'' * ''[[The Loud House|Loud House, The]]'' * ''[[Louie]]'' * ''[[The Looney Tunes Show|Looney Tunes Show, The]]'' * ''[[The Loop (U.S. TV series)|Loop, The]]'' * ''[[Lost (TV series)|Lost]]'' * ''[[Lost Girl]]'' * ''[[Lost in Space]]'' * ''[[Love, Death & Robots]]'' * ''[[Love Hina]]'' * ''[[Lovejoy]]'' * ''[[Lucifer (TV series)|Lucifer]]'' * ''[[Lucky Louie]]'' * ''[[Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil]]'' * ''[[Luther (TV series)|Luther]]'' {{Col-end}} ===M=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} * ''[[Maisy Mouse (Universal Pictures Visual Programming United Kingdom Television Series)]]'' * ''[[MacGyver]]'' * ''[[Mad Men]]'' * ''[[Madtv]]'' * ''[[Magical Project S]]'' * ''[[Maggie and the Ferocious Beast]]'' * ''[[Magic Knight Rayearth]]'' * ''[[The Magic School Bus (TV series)|Magic School Bus, The]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Magnum, P.I.]]'' * ''[[Maid Marian and Her Merry Men]]'' * ''[[Major Crimes (TV series)|Major Crimes]]'' * ''[[Make It or Break It]]'' * ''[[Making Fiends (TV series)|Making Fiends]]'' * ''[[Malibu Country]]'' * ''[[Martha Speaks (TV series)|Martha Speaks]]'' * ''[[Malcolm in the Middle]]'' * ''[[Mama's Family]]'' * ''[[Man with a Plan]]'' * ''[[Man To Man With Dean Learner]]'' * ''[[Man vs. Minecraft]]'' * ''[[Married... with Children]]'' * ''[[Marsupilami]]'' * ''[[The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack|Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack, The]]'' * ''[[Marvin the Tap-Dancing Horse]]'' * ''[[Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman]]'' * ''[[M*A*S*H (TV series)|M*A*S*H]]'' * ''[[MasterChef]]'' * ''[[Matlock (2024 TV series)|Matlock (2024)]]'' * ''[[Max Headroom]]'' * ''[[The Maxx|Maxx, The]]'' * ''[[Megas XLR]]'' * ''[[Melrose Place]]'' * ''[[Melrose Place (2009 TV series)|Melrose Place (2009)]]'' * ''[[Men Behaving Badly]]'' * ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' * ''[[Men in Trees]]'' {{Col-3}} * ''[[The Mentalist|Mentalist, The]]'' * ''[[Merlin (TV Series)]]'' * ''[[Mermicorno: Starfall]]'' * ''[[Metalocalypse]]'' * ''[[Miami 7]]'' * ''[[Miami Vice]]'' * ''[[Mickey Mouse Clubhouse]]'' (Removed) * ''[[The Middle|Middle, The]]'' * ''[[Middlemost Post]]'' * ''[[Midnight Mass (miniseries)|Midnight Mass]]'' * ''[[The Mighty B!|Mighty B!, The]]'' * ''[[The Mighty Boosh|Mighty Boosh, The]]'' * ''[[The Mighty Hercules|Mighty Hercules, The]]'' * ''[[Mighty Magiswords]]'' * ''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers]]'' * ''[[Morphle and the Magic Pets]]'' * ''[[Mike & Molly]]'' * ''[[Mike Tyson Mysteries]]'' * ''[[Mind of Mencia]]'' * ''[[Mindy Project|Mindy Project, The]]'' * ''[[Minoriteam]]'' * ''[[Misfits (TV series)|Misfits]]'' * ''[[Mission Hill (TV series)|Mission Hill]]'' * ''[[Miss Farah]]'' * ''[[Mixels]] '' (Removed) * ''[[Mobile Suit Gundam 00]]'' * ''[[Modern Family]]'' * ''[[Mom (TV series)|Mom]]'' * ''[[Mon Colle Knights]]'' * ''[[Mona the Vampire]]'' * ''[[Monk (TV series)|Monk]]'' * ''[[Money Heist, TV series]]'' * ''[[Monkees, The (TV series)|Monkees, The ]]'' * ''[[Monkey (TV show)|Monkey]]'' * ''[[Monster Farm]]'' * ''[[Monster Hunter Stories: Ride On]]'' * ''[[Monty Python's Flying Circus]]'' * ''[[Moonbeam City]]'' * ''[[Moonlight (TV series)|Moonlight]]'' * ''[[Moonlighting (TV series)|Moonlighting]]'' {{Col-3}} * ''[[Moral Orel]]'' * ''[[Mork and Mindy]]'' * ''[[The Most Hated Family in America|Most Hated Family in America, The]]'' * ''[[Mr. Bean]]'' * ''[[Mr. Robot]]'' * ''[[Mr. Show]]'' * [[The Munsters|''Munsters'', ''The'']] * ''[[Muppet Babies]]'' * [[The Muppet Show|''Muppet Show'', ''The'']] * [[The Muppets (TV series)|''Muppets'', ''The'']] * ''[[Muppets Tonight]]'' * ''[[Murder One (TV series)|Murder One]]'' * ''[[Murder She Wrote]]'' * ''[[Murphy Brown]]'' * ''[[Mutant X]]'' * ''[[Mystery Science Theater 3000]]'' * ''[[My Babysitter's a Vampire]]'' * ''[[My Big Big Friend]]'' * ''[[My Boys]]'' * ''[[My Family]]'' * ''[[My Friend Rabbit]]'' * ''[[My Hero]]'' * ''[[My Life as a Teenage Robot]]'' * ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' * ''[[My Name Is Earl]]'' * ''[[My So-Called Life]]'' * ''[[Mythbusters]]'' {{Col-end}} ===N=== * ''[[The Nanny|Nanny, The]]'' * ''[[Naomi]]'' * ''[[Naruto]]'' * ''[[Naruto: Shippūden]]'' * ''[[Nash Bridges]]'' * ''[[NCIS]]'' * ''[[NCIS: Los Angeles]]'' * ''[[NCIS: New Orleans]]'' * ''[[Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide]]'' * ''[[Negima! Magister Negi Magi]]'' * ''[[Neighbours (TV series)|Neighbours]]'' * ''[[The Neighborhood (TV series)|Neighborhood, The]]'' * ''[[The New Adventures of Old Christine|New Adventures of Old Christine, The]]'' * ''[[New Girl (TV series)|New Girl]]'' * ''[[New Looney Tunes]]'' * ''[[Newton's Cradle (TV series)|Newton's Cradle]]'' * ''[[Neon Genesis Evangelion]]'' * ''[[Never Mind the Buzzcocks]]'' * ''[[Nella the Princess Knight]]'' * ''[[NewsRadio]]'' * ''[[The Newsroom (U.S. TV series)|Newsroom, The]]'' * ''[[NHL and Friends]]'' * ''[[Night Court|Night Court (1984)]]'' * ''[[Night Court (2023 TV series)|Night Court (2023)]]'' * ''[[Nikita]]'' * ''[[Nip/Tuck]]'' * ''[[No Ordinary Family]]'' * ''[[Noddy's Toyland Adventures]]'' * ''[[Not the Nine O'Clock News]]'' * ''[[Northern Exposure]]'' * ''[[Numb3rs]]'' * ''[[Nurse Jackie]]'' * ''[[NYPD Blue]]'' ===O=== * ''[[the originals]] * ''[[OA, the]]'' * [[Una Casa de Locos]] * ''[[O'Grady]]'' * ''[[The O.C.|O.C., The]]'' * ''[[The Oblongs|Oblongs, The]]'' * [[Equipo Danger]] * [[Royal Match]] * [[Tortugas Ninja]] * [[Historias Corrientes]] * ''[[October Road]]'' * ''[[The Odd Couple|Odd Couple, The]]'' * ''[[The Office (UK TV series)|Office, The (UK)]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[The Office (U.S. TV series)|Office, The (US)]]'' (United States) * ''[[OK K.O.! Let's Be Heroes]]'' * ''[[Om Nom Stories]]'' * ''[[Once Upon a Time (TV series)]]'' * ''[[One Foot In The Grave]]'' * ''[[One on One]]'' * ''[[One Piece]]'' (Anime, Japanese version) * ''[[One Tree Hill]]'' * ''[[Only Fools and Horses]]'' * ''[[Oobi]]'' * ''[[Open All Hours]]'' * ''[[The Order|Order, The]]'' * ''[[Orange Is the New Black]]'' * ''[[Orphan Black]]'' * ''[[Osomatsu-san]]'' (Anime) * ''[[Oswald (TV series)|Oswald]]'' * ''[[Out Of Control]]'' * ''[[Outlaw Star]]'' (Anime) * ''[[Outnumbered]]'' * ''[[Over the Garden Wall]]'' * ''[[Oz]]'' * ''[[Ozark (TV series)|Ozark]]'' * ''[[Ozzy & Drix]]'' ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Pacific (TV miniseries)|Pacific, The]]'' * ''[[Pac-Man (TV Series)|Pac-Man]]'' * ''[[Pajanimals]]'' * ''[[Pandalian]]'' * ''[[Parks and Recreation]]'' * ''[[Party Down]]'' * ''[[Party of Five]]'' * ''[[PB&J Otter]]'' * ''[[Peaky Blinders (TV series)|Peaky Blinders]]'' * ''[[Peep Show]]'' * ''[[Pee-wee's Playhouse]]'' * ''[[The Penguins of Madagascar|Penguins of Madagascar, The]]'' * ''[[Penny Dreadful]]'' * ''[[Pepper Ann]]'' * ''[[Perfect Hair Forever]]'' * ''[[Perfect Strangers]]'' * ''[[The Perils of Penelope Pitstop|Perils of Penelope Pitstop, The]]'' * ''[[Person of Interest (TV series)|Person of Interest]]'' * ''[[The Persuaders!]]'' * ''[[Phil of the Future]]'' * ''[[Phineas and Ferb]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Pillars of the Earth|Pillars of the Earth, The]]'' * ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]'' * ''[[The Pitt]]'' * ''[[Pivoting]]'' * ''[[Point Pleasant]]'' * ''[[Pokémon]]'' * ''[[Police Woman (TV series)|Police Woman]]'' * ''[[Poppa's House]]'' * ''[[Pound Puppies|Pound Puppies (1986)]]'' * ''[[The PJs|PJs, The]]'' * ''[[The Powerpuff Girls|Powerpuff Girls, The]]'' * ''[[The Powerpuff Girls (2016 TV series)|Powerpuff Girls, The (2016 TV series)]]'' * ''[[The Practice|Practice, The]]'' * ''[[Press Gang]]'' * ''[[Pretty Little Liars]]'' * ''[[Prime Suspect (U.S. TV series)]]'' * ''[[Primeval]]'' * ''[[Prison Break]]'' * ''[[Private Practice]]'' * ''[[Privileged (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Prodigal Son (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Profit (TV series)|Profit]]'' * ''[[Project Runway]]'' * ''[[The Proud Family|Proud Family, The]]'' * ''[[Psych]]'' * ''[[Psycho Series]]'' * ''[[Pushing Daisies]]'' {{Col-end}} ==Requested== ===I=== * [[Icons]] * [[Ideal (TV series)]] * [[I'll Fly Away]] * [[I Love New York]] * [[I'm with Her]] * [[In Living Color]] * [[Infinite Stratos]] * [[Inside Job]] * [[Insomniac with Dave Attell]] * [[Inspector Rex]] * [[The Invaders|Invaders, The]] * [[The Invisible Man|Invisible Man, The]] * [[I Spy]] * [[I Survived a Japanese Game Show]] * [[The It Factor|It Factor, The]] * [[It's a Miracle]] * [[Insatiable]] * [[Invincible]] ===J=== * [[Jack and Bobby]] * [[Jackass (TV series)|Jackass]] * [[Jake 2.0]] * [[Jake and the Fat Man]] * [[Jake and the Never Land Pirates]] (Removed) * [[James the Cat]] * [[Jamie Kennedie Experiment]] * [[Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors]] * [[The Jeff Foxworthy Show|Jeff Foxworthy Show, The]] * [[John Doe (TV series)|John Doe]] * [[John from Cincinnati]] * [[Johnny Quest]] * [[Jon and Kate Plus 8]] * [[J.O.N.A.S.]] * [[The Judge (TV series)|Judge, The]] * [[Julius Jr.]] * [[Just Shoot Me]] ===K=== * ''[[K.C. Undercover]]'' * [[Karen Sisco]] * [[Keen Eddie]] * [[Keeping Up With The Kardashians]] * [[Key & Peele]] * [[Kickin'it]] * [[Kidnappped]] * [[Kidnation]] * [[The Killing]] * ''[[Killjoys]]'' * ''[[Kings (U.S. TV series)|Kings]]'' * [[Kingswood Country]] * [[Kinne (TV series)]] * [[Knots Landing]] * [[Kudlow & Company]] * [[Kurau: Phantom Memory]] * [[Kyōryū Sentai Zyuranger]] * ''[[Kyuukyuu Sentai GoGoFive]]'' ===L=== * ''[[Lamb Chop's Play-Along]]'' * ''[[The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson|Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, The]]'' * ''[[The Latest Buzz|Latest Buzz, The]]'' * ''[[Law & Order: Trial by Jury]]'' * ''[[Lazytown]]'' * ''[[League of Super Evil]]'' * ''[[Legend of the Dragon]]'' * ''[[Less Then Perfect]]'' * ''[[Let's Go Luna!]]'' * ''[[Let's Make A Deal]]'' * ''[[The Life and Times of Tim]]'' * ''[[Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous]]'' * ''[[Lil' Bush]]'' * ''[[The Lingo Show|Lingo Show, The]]'' * ''[[The Lion Guard|Lion Guard, The]]'' * ''[[The Lionhearts|Lionhearts, The]]'' * ''[[Lipstick Jungle]]'' * ''[[Little Bear (TV series)|Little Bear]]'' * ''[[Little Charmers]]'' * ''[[Little Einsteins]]'' * ''[[The Little Lulu Show|Little Lulu Show, The]]'' * ''[[Little Rosey]]'' * ''[[Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)|Littlest Pet Shop]]'' * ''[[Lizzie McGuire]]'' * ''[[The Lone Gunmen|Lone Gunmen, The]]'' * ''[[Lonesome Dove]]'' * ''[[Love American Style]]'' * ''[[Love Connection]]'' * ''[[Luna Petunia]]'' * ''[[Lupin, the Third]]'' ===M=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[M.A.S.K.]]'' * ''[[Mack & Moxy]]'' * ''[[Mad About You]]'' * ''[[Madagascar: A Little Wild]]'' * ''[[MADtv|MADtv]]'' * ''[[Magic Mountain (TV series)|Magic Mountain]]'' * ''[[The Magic School Bus Rides Again]]'' * ''[[Magicians, The]]'' * ''[[Malcolm & Eddie]]'' * ''[[Malibu Shores]]'' * ''[[Mama Mirabelle's Home Movies]]'' * ''[[Man from U.N.C.L.E., The]]'' * ''[[The Man Show|Man Show, The]]'' * ''[[Man Vs. Wild]]'' * ''[[Mannix]]'' * [[Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart]] * [[Maria-sama ga Miteru]] * [[Marlo and the Magic Movie Machine]] * [[Married Single Other]] * [[Married with Children]] * [[Martin]] * [[Marvin Marvin]] * [[The Mask Animated|Mask Animated, The]] * [[Match Game, The]] * ''[[Matlock]]'' * ''[[Mayday]]'' * ''[[McLeod's Daughters]]'' * ''[[Mech X4]]'' * ''[[Medium]]'' * [[Meeow!]] * ''[[Meerkat Manor]]'' * [[Meg and Mog]] * ''[[Megaman NT Warrior]]'' * ''[[Melissa and Joey]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Michael Kitchen]]'' * ''[[Midsomer Murders]]'' * ''[[Mike the Knight]]'' * ''[[Milo Murphy's Law]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Minder]]'' * ''[[Mira, Royal Detective]]'' * ''[[Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir]]'' * [[Mirai Sentai Timeranger]] * ''[[Mission Hill]]'' * ''[[Miss BG]]'' * ''[[Miss Match]]'' * ''[[Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends]]'' * [[Mixels]] (Removed) * [[Mock the Week]] * [[Moesha]] * [[Monarch of the Glen]] * ''[[Monster Allergy]]'' * ''[[Monster Buster Club]]'' * ''[[Moominvalley (TV series)|Moominvalley]]'' * ''[[Moon Girl & Devil Dinosaur]]'' * ''[[Moone Boy]]'' * ''[[Moral Orel]]'' * ''[[The Morecambe & Wise Show|Morecambe & Wise Show, The]]'' * ''[[Morning Show, The]]'' * ''[[Most Haunted]]'' * ''[[Mr. Conductor's Thomas Tales]]'' * ''[[The Mrs Bradley Mysteries|Mrs Bradley Mysteries, The]]'' * ''[[Mrs. Brown's Boys]]'' * ''[[Mummies Alive]]'' * ''[[Murder Drones]]'' * ''[[The Musketeers|Musketeers, The]]'' * [[Mutant High]] * [[My Favorite Martian]] * [[My Mother the Car]] * [[My Spy Family]] * ''[[My Three Sons]]'' * ''[[My World and Welcome To It]]'' * ''[[Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog]]'' * ''[[Mysticons]]'' {{Col-2}} {{Col-end}} ===N=== * [[Nashville (TV series)|Nashville]] * [[Nate is Late]] * [[Naturally Sadie]] * [[Ned and Stacey]] * [[New Amsterdam]] * [[Next Stop (TV Serial)]] * [[The New Avengers|New Avengers, The]] * ''[[Newhart]]'' * [[Newport Harbor]] * [[The New Statesman|New Statesman, The]] * [[Newton's Apple]] * [[The New Yankee Workshop|New Yankee Workshop, The]] * [[Nice Friends]] * [[Night Stalker]] * [[Ni Hao, Kai-Lan]] * [[Nina’s World]] * [[Ninja Sentai Kakuranger]] * [[Ninja Warrior]] * [[Ninjago]] * [[North and South (TV Serial)]] ===O=== * [[Oban Star-Racers]] * [[Odd Job Jack]] * [[Off Center]] * [[The Ollie & Moon Show|Ollie & Moon Show, The]] * [[Ollie's Pack]] * [[Once and Again]] * [[On the Buses]] * [[The Oprah Winfrey Show|Oprah Winfrey Show, The]] (aka ''Oprah'') * [[Orange is the New Black]] * [[The Originals|Originals, The]] * [[One of us is Lying]] ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * [[Pablo the Little Red Fox]] * [[Pacific Blue]] * [[Packed to the Rafters]] * [[Pac-Man and the Ghostly Adventures]] * [[Pair of Kings]] * [[Painkiller Jane]] * [[Parenthood (2010 TV series)]] * [[Parkers, The]] * [[The Paul Daniels Magic Show|Paul Daniels Magic Show, The]] * [[Peg + Cat]] * [[Peep and the Big Wide World]] * ''[[Penn and Teller: Fool Us]]'' * [[Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights]] * [[Perception (U.S. TV series)]] * [[Philly]] * [[Picket Fences]] * [[Pig Goat Banana Cricket]] * [[PJ Masks]] * [[Plik Plok]] * [[Politically Incorrect]] * [[Poppets Town]] {{Col-2}} * [[Power Rangers: Ninja Storm]] * [[Power Rangers: Turbo]] * [[Power Rangers: Zeo]] * [[The Powers of Matthew Star|Powers of Matthew Star, The]] * [[The Pretender|Pretender, The]] * [[People Like Us]] * [[Pregnancy for Dummies]] * [[Prehistoric Park]] * [[Prehistoric Planet]] * [[Press Your Luck]] * [[The Price Is Right|Price Is Right, The]] * [[Pride and Prejudice (1995 TV series)]] * [[Prince of Tennis]] * [[Princess Tutu]] * [[Pucca]] * [[Pulling]] * [[Punky Brewster]] * [[Punk'd]] * [[Puppy Dog Pals]] * [[Puppydog Tales|Rosie & Ruff in Puppydog Tales]] {{Col-end}} ==Notes== '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list. When creating a page for a show, please include the range of years the show was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:Television shows|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles. After a show article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for TV show quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to: found at [[:Category:TV stubs|TV stubs]] and [[:Category:TV cleanup|TV cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} *[[Advertising slogans]] * [[List of television shows (A–H)]] * [[List of television shows (Q–Z)]] ==External links== *[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database] *[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts> Television] *[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com] *[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV] *[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History] [[Category:Lists|television shows]] [[Category:Television shows|*]] 6bm8jfnxy20s6k95ovfsn01hukch256 0 175548 3944530 3934727 2026-05-23T16:59:29Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* V */ 3944530 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of television shows:''' ---- [[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===Q=== * ''[[Quantico (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Quantum Leap]]'' * ‘’[[Quack Pack]]’’ * ''[[Queer Eye]]'' (aka ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'') * ''[[Queer as Folk (UK TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[Queer as Folk (US TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United States) * ''[[Queer Duck]]'' * ''[[Quigley's Village]]'' * ''[[QI]]'' * ''[[Quincy, M.E.]]'' * "Queen of Mean" * Queen for a Day ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Raccoons|Raccoons, The]]'' * ''[[RahXephon]]'' * ''[[Rainbow Brite]]'' * ''[[Raising Hope]]'' * ''[[Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares]]'' * ''[[Ranma 1/2]]'' * ''[[Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)]]'' * ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Raven's Home]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Raw Toonage]]'' * ''[[Rainbow Fish]]'' * ''[[Reading Rainbow]]'' * ''[[Real Time with Bill Maher]]'' * ''[[Reba (TV series)|Reba]]'' * ''[[ReBoot]]'' * ''[[Reborn!]]'' *''[[The Real Ghostbusters|Real Ghostbusters, The]]'' * ''[[The Really Loud House|Really Loud House, The]]'' * ''[[Recess (TV series)|Recess]]'' * ''[[Red Dwarf]]'' * ''[[The Red Green Show|Red Green Show, The]]'' * ''[[Red vs Blue]]'' * ''[[The Red Skelton Show]]'' * ''[[Regular Show]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Related (TV series)|Related]]'' * ''[[Relativity]]'' * ''[[Remington Steele]]'' * ''[[Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon"]]'' * ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show|Ren & Stimpy Show, The]]'' * ''[[Reno 911!]]'' * ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|Replacements, The]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Rescue Heroes]]'' * ''[[Rescue Me]]'' * ''[[The Resident]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Resident Alien (TV series)|Resident Alien]]'' * ''[[Restaurant Stakeout]]'' * ''[[Revolution (TV series)|Revolution]]'' * ''[[Revolutionary Girl Utena]]'' * ''[[Revenge (TV series)|Revenge]]'' * ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' * ''[[Ringer (TV series)|Ringer]]'' * ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' * ''[[Riverdale]]'' * ''[[Rizzoli & Isles]]'' * ''[[Road Rovers]]'' * ''[[Roary the Racing Car]]'' * ''[[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)]]'' * ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' * ''[[Robotech]]'' * ''[[Robot Wars (TV series)|Robot Wars]]'' * ''[[Rock Paper Scissors (TV series)|Rock Paper Scissors]]'' * ''[[Rock Profile]]'' * ''[[Rocket Power]]'' * ''[[The Rockford Files|Rockford Files, The]]'' * ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' * ''[[Rockovnik]]'' * ''[[Roger Ramjet]]'' * ''[[Rome (TV series)|Rome]]'' * ''[[Rookie Blue]]'' * ''[[The Rookies]]'' * ''[[Roseanne]]'' * ''[[Roswell (TV series)|Roswell]]'' * ''[[Rove (TV series)|Rove]]'' * ''[[The Royle Family|Royle Family, The]]'' * ''[[Rubbadubbers]]'' * ''[[Rubicon (TV series)|Rubicon]]'' * ''[[Ruby Gloom]]'' * ''[[Rugrats]]'' * ''[[Runaway (TV series)|Runaway]]'' * ''[[Rhoda]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} * ''[[Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat]]'' * ''[[Sabrina: The Animated Series]]'' * ''[[Sabrina, the Teenage Witch]]'' * ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' * ''[[The Samsonadzes]] * ''[[Salem's Lot (1979 miniseries)|Salem's Lot]]'' (1979 miniseries) * ''[[Salute Your Shorts]]'' * ''[[Sam & Cat]]'' * ''[[Samantha Who?]]'' * ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' * ''[[Samurai Pizza Cats]]'' * ''[[Samuraï X]]'' * ''[[Samurai 7]]'' * ''[[Sanctuary (TV series)|Sanctuary]]'' * ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'' * ''[[Saved by the Bell]]'' * ''[[Saved by the Bell: The College Years]]'' * ''[[Sex Education]]'' * ''[[Scandal (TV series)|Scandal]]'' * ''[[Scarecrow and Mrs. King]]'' * ''[[Schitt's Creek]]'' * ''[[Schoolhouse Rock!]]'' * ''[[School Rumble]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo]]'' (includes ''Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!'', ''What's New, Scooby-Doo?'') * ''[[Scorpion (TV series)|Scorpion]]'' * ''[[Scream Queens]]'' * ''[[Scrubs (TV series)|Scrubs]]'' * ''[[Screen Songs]]'' * ''[[SCTV]]'' * ''[[SeaChange]]'' * ''[[Sealab 2021]]'' * ''[[Sea Patrol]]'' * ''[[Secret Diary of a Call Girl]]'' * [[The Secret Life of the American Teenager|''Secret Life of the American Teenager'', ''The'']] * ''[[The Secret Saturdays|Secret Saturdays, The]]'' * [[The Secret World of Alex Mack|''Secret World of Alex Mack'', ''The'']] * ''[[Seinfeld]]'' * ''[[Sesame Street]]'' * ''[[Sex and the City]]'' * ''[[Shake It Up]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Shaman King]]'' * ''[[Shameless (U.S. TV series)|Shameless]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[The Shannara Chronicles|Shannara Chronicles, The]]'' * ''[[Shark (TV series)|Shark]]'' {{Col-3}} * ''[[Sharpe]]'' * ''[[She-Ra and the Princesses of Power]]'' * ''[[Sheep in the Big City]]'' * ''[[Sherlock (TV series)|Sherlock]]'' * [[The Shield|''Shield'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shifting Gears (TV series)|Shifting Gears]]'' * ''[[Shuffle!]]'' * ''[[Shimmer and Shine]]'' * [[The Simpsons|''Simpsons'', ''The'']] * ''[[Signing Time!]]'' * ''[[Silver Spoons]]'' * ''[[Silverwing (TV series)|Silverwing]]'' * ''[[Six Feet Under]]'' * ''[[Skeleton Warriors (TV series)|Skeleton Warriors]]'' * ''[[Skins (TV series)|Skins]]'' * ''[[Sky Commanders]]'' * ''[[Sledge Hammer!]]'' * ''[[Sleepy Hollow (TV series)|Sleepy Hollow]]'' * ''[[Sliders]]'' * ''[[Smallville]]'' * ''[[Snoopy! The Musical (TV special)]]'' * ''[[So Help Me Todd]]'' * ''[[Soap (TV series)|Soap]]'' * ''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)|Sonic Boom]]'' * [[Sonic the Hedgehog (TV series)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' (SatAM)]] * ''[[Sonic Prime]]'' * ''[[Sonic X]]'' * ''[[Sonny With A Chance]]'' * ''[[Sons of Anarchy]]'' * [[The Sopranos|''Sopranos'', ''The'']] * ''[[Soul Eater]]'' * ''[[Soul Eater NOT!]]'' * ''[[South Park]]'' * ''[[Space: Above and Beyond]]'' * ''[[Spaceballs: The Animated Series]]'' * ''[[Spaced]]'' * ''[[Space Goofs]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Blood and Sand]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Gods of the Arena]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]'' * ''[[Special Unit 2]]'' * ''[[Speed Grapher]]'' * ''[[Spider-Man (1994 TV series)|Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[Spin City]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' * ''[[Spooks]]'' * ''[[Sports Night]]'' * ''[[Square One Television]]'' * ''[[Squidbillies]]'' * ''[[St. Denis Medical]]'' * ''[[St. Elsewhere]]'' {{Col-3}} * [[The Stand (miniseries)|''Stand'', ''The'']] (miniseries) * ''[[Star Crossed]]'' * ''[[Star Trek]]'' * ''[[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]]'' * ''[[Stargate Atlantis]]'' * ''[[Stargate SG-1]]'' * ''[[Stargate Universe]]'' * ''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]'' (2008) * ''[[Starsky & Hutch]]'' * ''[[Static Shock]]'' * ''[[Station Zero]]'' * ''[[Stella]]'' * [[The Steve Harvey Show|''Steve Harvey Show'', ''The'']] * ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Still Standing]]'' * ''[[The Story of God with Morgan Freeman|Story of God with Morgan Freeman, The]]'' * ''[[Strangers with Candy]]'' * ''[[Strawberry Shortcake's Berry Bitty Adventures]]'' * ''[[The Streets of San Francisco|Streets of San Francisco, The]]'' * ''[[Stressed Eric]]'' * ''[[Still Game]]'' * ''[[Stingers]]'' * ''[[Storm Hawks]]'' * ''[[Stripperella]]'' * ''[[Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip]]'' * ''[[STUPOR DUCK]]'' * ''[[Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye]]'' * [[The Suite Life of Zack and Cody|''Suite Life of Zack and Cody'', ''The'']] * [[The Suite Life on Deck|''Suite Life on Deck'', ''The'']] * ''[[Suits (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Summer Camp Island]]'' * ''[[Summer Heights High]]'' * ''[[Summerland]]'' * ''[[Sunny Bunnies]]'' * ''[[Survivor (U.S. TV show)|Survivor]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[Superior Donuts]]'' * ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (aka ''Superman'') * ''[[Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario World]]'' * ''[[Supernatural (U.S. TV series)|Supernatural]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[Super Powers]]'' * ''[[Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!]]'' * ''[[Superstore]]'' * ''[[Super Why!]]'' * ''[[Superjail!]]'' * ''[[SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron|SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron]]'' (aka ''SWAT Kats'') * [[The Sweeney|''Sweeney'', ''The'']] * [[Sweet Tooth]] {{Col-end}} * ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Taken (TV series)|Taken]]'' * ''[[Takin' Over the Asylum]]'' * ''[[TaleSpin]]'' * ''[[Taz-Mania]]'' * ''[[Teachers (TV series)|Teachers]]'' * ''[[Teddybears]]'' * ''[[Teen Titans]]'' * ''[[Teen Titans Go! (TV series)|Teen Titans Go!]]'' * ''[[Teen Wolf (2011 TV series)|Teen Wolf]]'' (2011) * ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|(1987)]] ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|(2003)]] ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|(2012)]] * ''[[Teletubbies]]'' (1997-2003) * ''[[Teletubbies (2015 TV series)]]'' (2015-2025) * ''[[Tenacious D (TV series)|Tenacious D]]'' * ''[[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann]]'' * ''[[Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles]]'' * ''[[Texhnolyze]]'' * ''[[Thank God You're Here (Australian TV show)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (Australia) * ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]'' * ''[[The Wiggles: Ready, Steady, Wiggle! - Series 1]]'' * ''[[The Wiggles: Ready, Steady, Wiggle! - Series 2]]'' * ''[[The Wacky Wabbit]]'' * ''[[The Doodlebops]]'' * ''[[The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' * ''[[Thank God You're Here (British TV series)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[That '70s Show]]'' * ''[[That's So Raven]]'' * ''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest heroes]]'' * ''[[The Cuphead Show]]'' * ''[[The Dreamstone]]'' * ''[[The Facts of life]]'' * ''[[The Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries]]'' * ''[[Thick Of It]]'' * ''[[Think Fast]]'' * ''[[Third Watch]]'' * ''[[Thirteen Reasons Why]]'' * ''[[Thomas & Friends]]'' * ''[[The Big Comfy Couch (TV series)|The Big Comfy Couch]]'' * ''[[Three's Company]]'' * ''[[Through the Wormhole]]'' * ''[[Thunderbirds]]'' * ''[[The Good Night Show]]'' * [[The Tick|''Tick'', ''The'']] (1994, animated) * [[The Tick (2001 TV series)|''Tick'', ''The'']] (2001, live-action) * ''[[Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!]]'' * ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toon Looniversity]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]'' * ''[[The Tom and Jerry Show (2014 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (2014)'' * ''[[Tom Goes to the Mayor]]'' * ''[[Toopy and Binoo]]'' * ''[[Top Cat]]'' * ''[[Top Chef]]'' * ''[[Top Gear]]'' * ''[[Torchwood]]'' * ''[[Total Drama]]'' * ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' * ''[[Total DramaRama]]'' * ''[[Totally Spies!]]'' * ''[[Touch (American TV series)|Touch]]'' * ''[[Touched by an Angel]]'' * ''[[ToddWorld (TV series)|ToddWorld]]'' * ''[[Tour Of Duty]]'' * ''[[To the Moon and Back with Sheyene Gerardi]]'' * ''[[Trailer Park Boys]]'' * ''[[The Transformers|Transformers, The]]'' * ''[[Transformers: Armada]]'' * ''[[Transformers Animated]]'' * ''[[Transformers Prime]]'' * ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015 TV series)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Tribe (TV series)|Tribe, The]]'' * ''[[Trigun]]'' * ''[[Tru Calling]]'' * ''[[True Blood]]'' * ''[[True Detective]]'' * ''[[True Lies (TV series)|True Lies]]'' * ''[[Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE]]'' * ''[[Tsukuyomi: Moon Phase]]'' * ''[[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1959 series) * ''[[The Twilight Zone (1985 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1985 series) * ''[[Twin Peaks]]'' * ''[[Two and a Half Men]]'' * ''[[The Two Ronnies|Two Ronnies, The]]'' * [[The Tudors|''Tudors'', ''The'']] * ''[[Tuca & Bertie]]'' * ''[[Trolls: The Beat Goes On!]]'' * ''[[Tweenies]]'' * ''[[Tweenies (2026 TV series)]]'' {{Col-end}} ===U=== * ''[[Ugly Americans]]'' * ''[[Ugly Betty]]'' * ''[[The Umbrella Academy|Umbrella Academy, The]]'' * ''[[Undeclared]]'' * ''[[Underdog (TV series)|Underdog]]'' * ''[[The Unit|Unit, The]]'' * ''[[United States of Al]]'' * ''[[United States of Tara]]'' * ''[[Upright Citizens Brigade]]'' * ''[[Urusei Yatsura]]'' * ''[[Utopia (UK TV series)]]'' * Undercover Boss ===V=== * ''[[V (TV series)]]'' * ''[[The Vampire Diaries (TV series)|The Vampire Diaries]]'' * ''[[Veep]]'' * ''[[VeggieTales]]'' * ''[[VeggieTales 2]]'' * ''[[The Venture Bros.|Venture Bros., The]]'' * ''[[Veronica Mars]]'' * ''[[A Very British Coup|Very British Coup, A]]'' * ''[[The Vicar of Dibley|Vicar of Dibley, The]]'' * ''[[Vicious]]'' * ''[[Victor and Valentino]]'' * ''[[Victorious]]'' * ''[[Viewtiful Joe]]'' * ''[[Vikings (2013 TV series)|Vikings]]'' * ''[[The Virginian]]'' * ''[[Viva La Bam]]'' * ''[[Viva S Club]]'' * ''[[Voltron: Defender of the Universe]]'' * Virgin River ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[W.I.T.C.H. (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Witchblade (2001 TV series)|Witchblade]]'' (2001) * ''[[Witchblade (2006 TV series)|Witchblade]]'' (2006) * ''[[Wacky Races (1968 TV series)|Wacky Races]]'' (1968) * ''[[The Walking Dead (TV series)|Walking Dead, The]]'' * ''[[Walking with Beasts]]'' * ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' * ''[[Walking with Monsters]]'' * ''[[The Waltons]]'' * ''[[WandaVision]]'' * ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Wanted]]'' * ''[[War at Home]]'' * ''[[War of the Worlds (TV series)|War of the Worlds]]'' * ''[[Warehouse 13]]'' * ''[[Waterloo Road]]'' * ''[[WCW Monday Nitro]]'' * ''[[WCW Pay Per View Events]]'' * ''[[We Bare Bears]]'' * ''[[We Can Be Heroes]]'' * ''[[Wednesday_(TV_series)|Wednesday]]'' * ''[[Weeds (TV series)|Weeds]]'' * ''[[The Weekenders|Weekenders, The]]'' * ''[[Welcome Back, Kotter]]'' * ''[[Welcome to Pooh Corner (TV series)|Welcome to Pooh Corner]]'' * ''[[Welcome to the Wayne]]'' * ''[[Welcome to Flatch]]'' * ''[[Westworld (TV series)|Westworld]] * ''[[The West Wing|West Wing, The]]'' * ''[[What I Like About You]]'' * ''[[What's Happening!!]]'' * ''[[Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego?]]'' * ''[[White Collar]]'' * ''[[Whose Line Is It Anyway?]]'' (United States and United Kingdom) * ''[[Wild, Wild West]]'' * ''[[Wildfire (TV series)|Wildfire]]'' * ''[[The Wild Thornberrys|Wild Thornberrys, The]]'' * ''[[Will & Grace]]'' * ''[[Will Trent]]'' * ''[[Winx Club]]'' * ''[[The Wire|Wire, The]]'' * ''[[Wire in the Blood]]'' * ''[[Wiseguy (TV series)|Wiseguy]]'' * ''[[Without a Trace]]'' * ''[[Wizards of Waverly Place]]'' * ''[[WKRP in Cincinnati]]'' * ''[[Women of the Movement]]'' * ''[[Wonder Showzen]]'' * ''[[Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]'' * ''[[The Wonder Years|Wonder Years, The]]'' * ''[[Wonderfalls]]'' * ''[[WordGirl]]'' * ''[[WordWorld]]'' * ''[[Workaholics]]'' * ''[[The World at War|World at War, The]]'' * ''[[WWE Championship Wrestling]]'' * ''[[WWE Raw]]'' * ''[[WWE SmackDown!]]'' * ''[[WWE Superstars of Wrestling]]'' {{Col-end}} ===X=== * ''[[The X-Files|X-Files, The]]'' * ''[[Xavier, Renegade Angel]]'' * ''[[Xena: Warrior Princess]]'' * ''[[Xiaolin Showdown]]'' * ''[[X-Men '97]]'' * ''[[X-Men (TV series)]]'' * ''[[X-Men: Evolution]]'' * ''[[xxx HOLiC]]'' * ''[[The X's]]'' ===Y=== * ''[[Yes, Dear]]'' * ''[[Yes, Minister]]'' * ''[[Yes, Prime Minister]]'' * ''[[Yesterday's Men (TV programme)|Yesterday's Men]]'' * ''[[Yin Yang Yo!]]'' * ''[[Yo soy Betty, la Fea]]'' * ''[[You Can't Do That on Television]]'' * ''[[The Young and the Restless|Young and the Restless, The]]'' * ''[[Young Justice]]'' * ''[[Young Sheldon]]'' * ''[[The Young Ones|Young Ones, The]]'' * ''[[Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[You're the Worst]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh GX]]'' * ''[[You]]'' ===Z=== * ''[[Zoey 101]]'' * Zoom * Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist * Zorro ==Requested== ===Q=== * ''[[Quantico]]'' * ''[[Quarterlife]]'' * ''[[A Question of Sport|Question of Sport, A]]'' * ''[[Quests for Camelot]]'' * ''[[Quincy M.E.]]'' * ''[[Quigley's Village]]'' * ''[[Qulo Chupado]]'' ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Rab C. Nesbitt]]'' * ''[[Radio Free Roscoe]]'' * [[Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty]] * [[Raising Dad]] * [[Raising The Bar]] * ''[[Raw Reality With Gail Kasper]]'' * ''[[The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest|Real Adventures of Jonny Quest, The]]'' * [[Real World]] * [[Rebus]] * ''[[Recovery]]'' * ''[[Redwall (1999 TV series)|Redwall (1999 TV series)]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Ribert and Robert's Wonderworld]]'' * ''[[Ricky Zoom]]'' * ''[[Ridley Jones]]'' * ''[[Right Path]]'' * ''[[Right Side In Kansas]]'' * ''[[Rising Damp]]'' * ''[[Rob & Big]]'' * ''[[Rocket Monkeys]]'' * ''[[Rolie Polie Olie]]'' * ''[[Roobarb (1974)]]'' * ''[[Roobarb and Custard Too (2005)]]'' * ''[[Rosie's Rules]]'' * ''[[Roundhouse]]'' * ''[[Round the Twist]]'' * ''[[Royal Pains]]'' * ''[[Rules Of Engagement]]'' * ''[[Rupert (TV series)|Rupert]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Saddle Club|Saddle Club, The]]'' * [[Saint Seiya]] * [[Sanford and Son]] * [[Sanjay and Craig]] (Removed) * [[Savages]] * [[Say Yes, and Marry Me]] * ''[[Scryed]]'' * ''[[seaQuest DSV]]'' * [[Seijuu Sentai Gingaman]] * ''[[Sergeant Stripes (TV series)|Sergeant Stripes]]'' * ''[[Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy]]'' * [[Shahs of Sunset]] * [[Shelley Duvall's Faerie Tale Theatre]] * [[Shinzo]] * [[Shooting Stars]] * [[The Show Biz Show with David Spade|Show Biz Show with David Spade, The]] * [[Sifl and Olly]] * [[Sister, Sister]] * [[Skunk Boy]] *''[[Skunk Fu!|Skunk Fu!]]'' * ''[[Small Wonder]]'' * [[Smash]] * [[Smash Lab]] * [[Snowpiercer (TV Series)]] * ''[[So Random!]]'' * ''[[Sonic Underground]]'' * [[Sooty (2001 TV series)|Sooty]] (2001) * [[Sooty (2011 TV series)|Sooty]] (2011) * [[Sooty & Co.]] * ''[[Sooty Heights]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Sooty Show|Sooty Show, The]]'' * ''[[Sooty's Amazing Adventures]]'' * ''[[South of Nowhere]]'' * ''[[Space: 1999]]'' * [[Space Cases]] * [[Space Chickens in Space]] * [[Space Ghost: Coast to Coast]] * ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]'' * ''[[Spawn]]'' * [[Special Agent Oso]] * [[The Spectacular Spider-Man|Spectacular Spider-Man, The]] * ''[[Speed Racer (TV Series)|Speed Racer]]'' * [[Stanley (2001 TV series)|Stanley]] * [[Star Vs. The Forces of Evil]] (Removed) * [[Splatalot]] * [[SportsCenter]] * ''[[Spyder Games]]'' * [[Stargirl]] * [[Steam Detectives]] * ''[[Steven C. Patti presents Super Robot Wars]]'' * [[Stoked]] * [[Story of Tracy Beaker, The]] * [[Street Fury]] * [[Street Hawk]] * [[Street Sharks]] * [[Street Sounds Music Video Show]] * [[Suburgatory]] * [[Sunny Day]] * ''[[The Suite Life on Land|Suite Life on Land, The]]'' * ''[[Supah Ninjas]]'' * ''[[Supergirl]]'' * [[Superman & Lois]] * [[Surface]] *[[Sweet Magnolias]]* *[[Sweet Home]]* * [[Switched At Birth]] * ''[[Sword Art Online]]'' * [[Super Dragon Ball Heroes]] {{Col-end}} ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Taggart]]'' * ''[[Talkshow with Spike Feresten]]'' * [[TechTV Vault]] * [[Ted Lasso]] * [[Teen, Win, Lose, or Draw]] * [[Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-Ohki]] * [[Tenchi in Tokyo]] * ''[[Tenchi Universe]]'' * ''[[That Girl]]'' * ''[[The 7D]]'' * ''[[The Adventures of Raggedy Ann and Andy]]'' * ''[[The Adventures of Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[The Flash (2014)The Flash]]'' * ''[[The Fosters]]'' * ''[[The Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat]]'' * ''[[The Undersea World of Fifi]]'' * ''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' * ''[[Threshold]]'' * ''[[Thundercats]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Time Trumpet]]'' * ''[[Time Warp Trio]]'' * ''[[Timon & Pumbaa (TV series)|Timon & Pumbaa]]'' * [[Tin Man]] * [[The Tom and Jerry Comedy Show]] * [[Tom & Jerry Kids]] * [[The Tom and Jerry Show (1975 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (1975) * [[Tom and Jerry Tales]] * ''[[Top Gear US]]'' * ''[[TOUCH]]'' * [[Total Wipeout]] * [[Too Loud]] * [[Totally Spies]] * [[Trinity Blood]] * [[Tron: Uprising]] * ''[[Trollz]]'' * [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]] * [[Turbo Charged Thunderbirds]] * [[Twenty Good Years]] * [[Two of a Kind]] * ''[[Tyler Perry's House of Payne]]'' {{Col-end}} ===U=== * [[Undercover Boss]] * [[Unforgettable]] * [[Unikitty!]] * [[Unsolved Mysteries]] * [[Untold Stories of the E.R.]] * [[Utaban]] * [[Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt]] ===V=== * [[VeggieTales in the House]] * [[Vice Principals]] * [[Vikings]] * [[VR Troopers]] * ''[[Victoria (ITV)]]'' * ''[[Victor and Valentino]]'' *[[Voltron:Legendary Defender]] ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Wagaya no Oinari-sama]]'' * ''[[Walker, Texas Ranger]]'' * ''[[Wally Gator]]'' * ''[[Wangan Midnight]]'' * ''[[The Wallflower]]'' * ''[[Waynehead]]'' * ''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]'' * ''[[The Weakest Link]]'' * ''[[Wee 3]]'' * [[Welcone to the Wayne]] * ''[[What About Brian]]'' * ''[[What About Mimi?]]'' * ''[[What's My Line?]]'' * ''[[When Calls The Heart]]'' * ''[[Whisker Haven]]'' * ''[[Whitest Kids U'Know]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Who's the Boss]]'' * ''[[Who Pays the Ferryman]]'' * ''[[Who Wants to be a Millionaire?]]'' * ''[[Why Women Kill]]'' * ''[[Wide-Eye]]'' * ''[[Wild N Out]]'' * ''[[Wild Kratts]]'' * ''[[Wilfred]]'' * ''[[Will and Dewitt]]'' * ''[[Willa's Wild Life]]'' * ''[[Wings]]'' * ''[[Wipeout]]'' (2008 game show) * ''[[Wimzie's House]]'' * ''[[Women's Murder Club]]'' * ''[[Would You Believe? (TV series)|Would You Believe?]]'' * ''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Wunschpunsch]]'' {{Col-end}} ===X=== * ''[[X-Play]]'' * ''[[Xiaolin Chronicles]]'' * ''[[XIII: The Series]]'' * ''[[Xuxa]]'' ===Y=== * ''[[Yellowstone]]'' * ''[[You and Me, Kid]]'' * ''[[Youyou Zizai]]'' (also known as ''The Wonderful World of Chinese Characters'') * ''[[Young & Hungry]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh Arc V]]'' ===Z=== * ''[[Zak Tales]]'' * ''[[ZEGAPAIN]]'' * ''[[Zeke and Luther]]'' * ''[[Zerby Derby]]'' * ''[[The ZhuZhus]]'' * ''[[ZOOM (2001-2005 TV series)|ZOOM]]'' * ''[[Zoboomafoo (TV series)|Zoboomafoo]]'' * ''[[Zoids Chaotic Century]]'' * ''[[Zombie Loan]]'' * ''[[Zou (TV series)|Zou]]'' * ''[[Zula Patrol, The]]'' * ''[[Zyu2]]'' ==Notes== '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list. When creating a page for a show, please include the range of years the show was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:Television shows|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles. After a show article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for TV show quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to: found at [[:Category:TV stubs|TV stubs]] and [[:Category:TV cleanup|TV cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} *[[Advertising slogans]] * [[List of television shows (A–H)]] * [[List of television shows (I–P)]] ==External links== *[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database] *[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts> Television] *[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com] *[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV] *[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History] [[Category:Lists|television shows]] [[Category:Television shows|*]] tj0dy7tydzen4sby44vcry82ery0kur 3944533 3944530 2026-05-23T17:01:42Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* W */ 3944533 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of television shows:''' ---- [[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===Q=== * ''[[Quantico (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Quantum Leap]]'' * ‘’[[Quack Pack]]’’ * ''[[Queer Eye]]'' (aka ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'') * ''[[Queer as Folk (UK TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[Queer as Folk (US TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United States) * ''[[Queer Duck]]'' * ''[[Quigley's Village]]'' * ''[[QI]]'' * ''[[Quincy, M.E.]]'' * "Queen of Mean" * Queen for a Day ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Raccoons|Raccoons, The]]'' * ''[[RahXephon]]'' * ''[[Rainbow Brite]]'' * ''[[Raising Hope]]'' * ''[[Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares]]'' * ''[[Ranma 1/2]]'' * ''[[Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)]]'' * ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Raven's Home]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Raw Toonage]]'' * ''[[Rainbow Fish]]'' * ''[[Reading Rainbow]]'' * ''[[Real Time with Bill Maher]]'' * ''[[Reba (TV series)|Reba]]'' * ''[[ReBoot]]'' * ''[[Reborn!]]'' *''[[The Real Ghostbusters|Real Ghostbusters, The]]'' * ''[[The Really Loud House|Really Loud House, The]]'' * ''[[Recess (TV series)|Recess]]'' * ''[[Red Dwarf]]'' * ''[[The Red Green Show|Red Green Show, The]]'' * ''[[Red vs Blue]]'' * ''[[The Red Skelton Show]]'' * ''[[Regular Show]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Related (TV series)|Related]]'' * ''[[Relativity]]'' * ''[[Remington Steele]]'' * ''[[Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon"]]'' * ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show|Ren & Stimpy Show, The]]'' * ''[[Reno 911!]]'' * ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|Replacements, The]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Rescue Heroes]]'' * ''[[Rescue Me]]'' * ''[[The Resident]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Resident Alien (TV series)|Resident Alien]]'' * ''[[Restaurant Stakeout]]'' * ''[[Revolution (TV series)|Revolution]]'' * ''[[Revolutionary Girl Utena]]'' * ''[[Revenge (TV series)|Revenge]]'' * ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' * ''[[Ringer (TV series)|Ringer]]'' * ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' * ''[[Riverdale]]'' * ''[[Rizzoli & Isles]]'' * ''[[Road Rovers]]'' * ''[[Roary the Racing Car]]'' * ''[[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)]]'' * ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' * ''[[Robotech]]'' * ''[[Robot Wars (TV series)|Robot Wars]]'' * ''[[Rock Paper Scissors (TV series)|Rock Paper Scissors]]'' * ''[[Rock Profile]]'' * ''[[Rocket Power]]'' * ''[[The Rockford Files|Rockford Files, The]]'' * ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' * ''[[Rockovnik]]'' * ''[[Roger Ramjet]]'' * ''[[Rome (TV series)|Rome]]'' * ''[[Rookie Blue]]'' * ''[[The Rookies]]'' * ''[[Roseanne]]'' * ''[[Roswell (TV series)|Roswell]]'' * ''[[Rove (TV series)|Rove]]'' * ''[[The Royle Family|Royle Family, The]]'' * ''[[Rubbadubbers]]'' * ''[[Rubicon (TV series)|Rubicon]]'' * ''[[Ruby Gloom]]'' * ''[[Rugrats]]'' * ''[[Runaway (TV series)|Runaway]]'' * ''[[Rhoda]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} * ''[[Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat]]'' * ''[[Sabrina: The Animated Series]]'' * ''[[Sabrina, the Teenage Witch]]'' * ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' * ''[[The Samsonadzes]] * ''[[Salem's Lot (1979 miniseries)|Salem's Lot]]'' (1979 miniseries) * ''[[Salute Your Shorts]]'' * ''[[Sam & Cat]]'' * ''[[Samantha Who?]]'' * ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' * ''[[Samurai Pizza Cats]]'' * ''[[Samuraï X]]'' * ''[[Samurai 7]]'' * ''[[Sanctuary (TV series)|Sanctuary]]'' * ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'' * ''[[Saved by the Bell]]'' * ''[[Saved by the Bell: The College Years]]'' * ''[[Sex Education]]'' * ''[[Scandal (TV series)|Scandal]]'' * ''[[Scarecrow and Mrs. King]]'' * ''[[Schitt's Creek]]'' * ''[[Schoolhouse Rock!]]'' * ''[[School Rumble]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo]]'' (includes ''Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!'', ''What's New, Scooby-Doo?'') * ''[[Scorpion (TV series)|Scorpion]]'' * ''[[Scream Queens]]'' * ''[[Scrubs (TV series)|Scrubs]]'' * ''[[Screen Songs]]'' * ''[[SCTV]]'' * ''[[SeaChange]]'' * ''[[Sealab 2021]]'' * ''[[Sea Patrol]]'' * ''[[Secret Diary of a Call Girl]]'' * [[The Secret Life of the American Teenager|''Secret Life of the American Teenager'', ''The'']] * ''[[The Secret Saturdays|Secret Saturdays, The]]'' * [[The Secret World of Alex Mack|''Secret World of Alex Mack'', ''The'']] * ''[[Seinfeld]]'' * ''[[Sesame Street]]'' * ''[[Sex and the City]]'' * ''[[Shake It Up]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Shaman King]]'' * ''[[Shameless (U.S. TV series)|Shameless]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[The Shannara Chronicles|Shannara Chronicles, The]]'' * ''[[Shark (TV series)|Shark]]'' {{Col-3}} * ''[[Sharpe]]'' * ''[[She-Ra and the Princesses of Power]]'' * ''[[Sheep in the Big City]]'' * ''[[Sherlock (TV series)|Sherlock]]'' * [[The Shield|''Shield'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shifting Gears (TV series)|Shifting Gears]]'' * ''[[Shuffle!]]'' * ''[[Shimmer and Shine]]'' * [[The Simpsons|''Simpsons'', ''The'']] * ''[[Signing Time!]]'' * ''[[Silver Spoons]]'' * ''[[Silverwing (TV series)|Silverwing]]'' * ''[[Six Feet Under]]'' * ''[[Skeleton Warriors (TV series)|Skeleton Warriors]]'' * ''[[Skins (TV series)|Skins]]'' * ''[[Sky Commanders]]'' * ''[[Sledge Hammer!]]'' * ''[[Sleepy Hollow (TV series)|Sleepy Hollow]]'' * ''[[Sliders]]'' * ''[[Smallville]]'' * ''[[Snoopy! The Musical (TV special)]]'' * ''[[So Help Me Todd]]'' * ''[[Soap (TV series)|Soap]]'' * ''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)|Sonic Boom]]'' * [[Sonic the Hedgehog (TV series)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' (SatAM)]] * ''[[Sonic Prime]]'' * ''[[Sonic X]]'' * ''[[Sonny With A Chance]]'' * ''[[Sons of Anarchy]]'' * [[The Sopranos|''Sopranos'', ''The'']] * ''[[Soul Eater]]'' * ''[[Soul Eater NOT!]]'' * ''[[South Park]]'' * ''[[Space: Above and Beyond]]'' * ''[[Spaceballs: The Animated Series]]'' * ''[[Spaced]]'' * ''[[Space Goofs]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Blood and Sand]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Gods of the Arena]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]'' * ''[[Special Unit 2]]'' * ''[[Speed Grapher]]'' * ''[[Spider-Man (1994 TV series)|Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[Spin City]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' * ''[[Spooks]]'' * ''[[Sports Night]]'' * ''[[Square One Television]]'' * ''[[Squidbillies]]'' * ''[[St. Denis Medical]]'' * ''[[St. Elsewhere]]'' {{Col-3}} * [[The Stand (miniseries)|''Stand'', ''The'']] (miniseries) * ''[[Star Crossed]]'' * ''[[Star Trek]]'' * ''[[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]]'' * ''[[Stargate Atlantis]]'' * ''[[Stargate SG-1]]'' * ''[[Stargate Universe]]'' * ''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]'' (2008) * ''[[Starsky & Hutch]]'' * ''[[Static Shock]]'' * ''[[Station Zero]]'' * ''[[Stella]]'' * [[The Steve Harvey Show|''Steve Harvey Show'', ''The'']] * ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Still Standing]]'' * ''[[The Story of God with Morgan Freeman|Story of God with Morgan Freeman, The]]'' * ''[[Strangers with Candy]]'' * ''[[Strawberry Shortcake's Berry Bitty Adventures]]'' * ''[[The Streets of San Francisco|Streets of San Francisco, The]]'' * ''[[Stressed Eric]]'' * ''[[Still Game]]'' * ''[[Stingers]]'' * ''[[Storm Hawks]]'' * ''[[Stripperella]]'' * ''[[Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip]]'' * ''[[STUPOR DUCK]]'' * ''[[Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye]]'' * [[The Suite Life of Zack and Cody|''Suite Life of Zack and Cody'', ''The'']] * [[The Suite Life on Deck|''Suite Life on Deck'', ''The'']] * ''[[Suits (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Summer Camp Island]]'' * ''[[Summer Heights High]]'' * ''[[Summerland]]'' * ''[[Sunny Bunnies]]'' * ''[[Survivor (U.S. TV show)|Survivor]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[Superior Donuts]]'' * ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (aka ''Superman'') * ''[[Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario World]]'' * ''[[Supernatural (U.S. TV series)|Supernatural]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[Super Powers]]'' * ''[[Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!]]'' * ''[[Superstore]]'' * ''[[Super Why!]]'' * ''[[Superjail!]]'' * ''[[SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron|SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron]]'' (aka ''SWAT Kats'') * [[The Sweeney|''Sweeney'', ''The'']] * [[Sweet Tooth]] {{Col-end}} * ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Taken (TV series)|Taken]]'' * ''[[Takin' Over the Asylum]]'' * ''[[TaleSpin]]'' * ''[[Taz-Mania]]'' * ''[[Teachers (TV series)|Teachers]]'' * ''[[Teddybears]]'' * ''[[Teen Titans]]'' * ''[[Teen Titans Go! (TV series)|Teen Titans Go!]]'' * ''[[Teen Wolf (2011 TV series)|Teen Wolf]]'' (2011) * ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|(1987)]] ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|(2003)]] ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|(2012)]] * ''[[Teletubbies]]'' (1997-2003) * ''[[Teletubbies (2015 TV series)]]'' (2015-2025) * ''[[Tenacious D (TV series)|Tenacious D]]'' * ''[[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann]]'' * ''[[Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles]]'' * ''[[Texhnolyze]]'' * ''[[Thank God You're Here (Australian TV show)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (Australia) * ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]'' * ''[[The Wiggles: Ready, Steady, Wiggle! - Series 1]]'' * ''[[The Wiggles: Ready, Steady, Wiggle! - Series 2]]'' * ''[[The Wacky Wabbit]]'' * ''[[The Doodlebops]]'' * ''[[The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' * ''[[Thank God You're Here (British TV series)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[That '70s Show]]'' * ''[[That's So Raven]]'' * ''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest heroes]]'' * ''[[The Cuphead Show]]'' * ''[[The Dreamstone]]'' * ''[[The Facts of life]]'' * ''[[The Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries]]'' * ''[[Thick Of It]]'' * ''[[Think Fast]]'' * ''[[Third Watch]]'' * ''[[Thirteen Reasons Why]]'' * ''[[Thomas & Friends]]'' * ''[[The Big Comfy Couch (TV series)|The Big Comfy Couch]]'' * ''[[Three's Company]]'' * ''[[Through the Wormhole]]'' * ''[[Thunderbirds]]'' * ''[[The Good Night Show]]'' * [[The Tick|''Tick'', ''The'']] (1994, animated) * [[The Tick (2001 TV series)|''Tick'', ''The'']] (2001, live-action) * ''[[Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!]]'' * ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toon Looniversity]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]'' * ''[[The Tom and Jerry Show (2014 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (2014)'' * ''[[Tom Goes to the Mayor]]'' * ''[[Toopy and Binoo]]'' * ''[[Top Cat]]'' * ''[[Top Chef]]'' * ''[[Top Gear]]'' * ''[[Torchwood]]'' * ''[[Total Drama]]'' * ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' * ''[[Total DramaRama]]'' * ''[[Totally Spies!]]'' * ''[[Touch (American TV series)|Touch]]'' * ''[[Touched by an Angel]]'' * ''[[ToddWorld (TV series)|ToddWorld]]'' * ''[[Tour Of Duty]]'' * ''[[To the Moon and Back with Sheyene Gerardi]]'' * ''[[Trailer Park Boys]]'' * ''[[The Transformers|Transformers, The]]'' * ''[[Transformers: Armada]]'' * ''[[Transformers Animated]]'' * ''[[Transformers Prime]]'' * ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015 TV series)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Tribe (TV series)|Tribe, The]]'' * ''[[Trigun]]'' * ''[[Tru Calling]]'' * ''[[True Blood]]'' * ''[[True Detective]]'' * ''[[True Lies (TV series)|True Lies]]'' * ''[[Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE]]'' * ''[[Tsukuyomi: Moon Phase]]'' * ''[[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1959 series) * ''[[The Twilight Zone (1985 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1985 series) * ''[[Twin Peaks]]'' * ''[[Two and a Half Men]]'' * ''[[The Two Ronnies|Two Ronnies, The]]'' * [[The Tudors|''Tudors'', ''The'']] * ''[[Tuca & Bertie]]'' * ''[[Trolls: The Beat Goes On!]]'' * ''[[Tweenies]]'' * ''[[Tweenies (2026 TV series)]]'' {{Col-end}} ===U=== * ''[[Ugly Americans]]'' * ''[[Ugly Betty]]'' * ''[[The Umbrella Academy|Umbrella Academy, The]]'' * ''[[Undeclared]]'' * ''[[Underdog (TV series)|Underdog]]'' * ''[[The Unit|Unit, The]]'' * ''[[United States of Al]]'' * ''[[United States of Tara]]'' * ''[[Upright Citizens Brigade]]'' * ''[[Urusei Yatsura]]'' * ''[[Utopia (UK TV series)]]'' * Undercover Boss ===V=== * ''[[V (TV series)]]'' * ''[[The Vampire Diaries (TV series)|The Vampire Diaries]]'' * ''[[Veep]]'' * ''[[VeggieTales]]'' * ''[[VeggieTales 2]]'' * ''[[The Venture Bros.|Venture Bros., The]]'' * ''[[Veronica Mars]]'' * ''[[A Very British Coup|Very British Coup, A]]'' * ''[[The Vicar of Dibley|Vicar of Dibley, The]]'' * ''[[Vicious]]'' * ''[[Victor and Valentino]]'' * ''[[Victorious]]'' * ''[[Viewtiful Joe]]'' * ''[[Vikings (2013 TV series)|Vikings]]'' * ''[[The Virginian]]'' * ''[[Viva La Bam]]'' * ''[[Viva S Club]]'' * ''[[Voltron: Defender of the Universe]]'' * Virgin River ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[W.I.T.C.H. (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Witchblade (2001 TV series)|Witchblade]]'' (2001) * ''[[Witchblade (2006 TV series)|Witchblade]]'' (2006) * ''[[Wacky Races (1968 TV series)|Wacky Races]]'' (1968) * ''[[The Walking Dead (TV series)|Walking Dead, The]]'' * ''[[Walking with Beasts]]'' * ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' * ''[[Walking with Monsters]]'' * ''[[The Waltons]]'' * ''[[WandaVision]]'' * ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Wanted]]'' * ''[[War at Home]]'' * ''[[War of the Worlds (TV series)|War of the Worlds]]'' * ''[[Warehouse 13]]'' * ''[[Waterloo Road]]'' * ''[[WCW Monday Nitro]]'' * ''[[WCW Pay Per View Events]]'' * ''[[We Bare Bears]]'' * ''[[We Can Be Heroes]]'' * ''[[Wednesday_(TV_series)|Wednesday]]'' * ''[[Weeds (TV series)|Weeds]]'' * ''[[The Weekenders|Weekenders, The]]'' * ''[[Welcome Back, Kotter]]'' * ''[[Welcome to Pooh Corner (TV series)|Welcome to Pooh Corner]]'' * ''[[Welcome to the Wayne]]'' * ''[[Welcome to Flatch]]'' * ''[[Westworld (TV series)|Westworld]] * ''[[The West Wing|West Wing, The]]'' * ''[[What I Like About You]]'' * ''[[What's Happening!!]]'' * ''[[Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego?]]'' * ''[[White Collar]]'' * ''[[Whose Line Is It Anyway?]]'' (United States and United Kingdom) * ''[[Wild, Wild West]]'' * ''[[Wildfire (TV series)|Wildfire]]'' * ''[[The Wild Thornberrys|Wild Thornberrys, The]]'' * ''[[Will & Grace]]'' * ''[[Will Trent]]'' * ''[[Winx Club]]'' * ''[[The Wire|Wire, The]]'' * ''[[Wire in the Blood]]'' * ''[[Wiseguy (TV series)|Wiseguy]]'' * ''[[Without a Trace]]'' * ''[[Wizards of Waverly Place]]'' * ''[[WKRP in Cincinnati]]'' * ''[[Women of the Movement]]'' * ''[[Wonder Showzen]]'' * ''[[Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]'' * ''[[The Wonder Years|Wonder Years, The]]'' * ''[[Wonderfalls]]'' * ''[[WondLa]]'' * ''[[WordGirl]]'' * ''[[WordWorld]]'' * ''[[Workaholics]]'' * ''[[The World at War|World at War, The]]'' * ''[[WWE Championship Wrestling]]'' * ''[[WWE Raw]]'' * ''[[WWE SmackDown!]]'' * ''[[WWE Superstars of Wrestling]]'' {{Col-end}} ===X=== * ''[[The X-Files|X-Files, The]]'' * ''[[Xavier, Renegade Angel]]'' * ''[[Xena: Warrior Princess]]'' * ''[[Xiaolin Showdown]]'' * ''[[X-Men '97]]'' * ''[[X-Men (TV series)]]'' * ''[[X-Men: Evolution]]'' * ''[[xxx HOLiC]]'' * ''[[The X's]]'' ===Y=== * ''[[Yes, Dear]]'' * ''[[Yes, Minister]]'' * ''[[Yes, Prime Minister]]'' * ''[[Yesterday's Men (TV programme)|Yesterday's Men]]'' * ''[[Yin Yang Yo!]]'' * ''[[Yo soy Betty, la Fea]]'' * ''[[You Can't Do That on Television]]'' * ''[[The Young and the Restless|Young and the Restless, The]]'' * ''[[Young Justice]]'' * ''[[Young Sheldon]]'' * ''[[The Young Ones|Young Ones, The]]'' * ''[[Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[You're the Worst]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh GX]]'' * ''[[You]]'' ===Z=== * ''[[Zoey 101]]'' * Zoom * Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist * Zorro ==Requested== ===Q=== * ''[[Quantico]]'' * ''[[Quarterlife]]'' * ''[[A Question of Sport|Question of Sport, A]]'' * ''[[Quests for Camelot]]'' * ''[[Quincy M.E.]]'' * ''[[Quigley's Village]]'' * ''[[Qulo Chupado]]'' ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Rab C. Nesbitt]]'' * ''[[Radio Free Roscoe]]'' * [[Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty]] * [[Raising Dad]] * [[Raising The Bar]] * ''[[Raw Reality With Gail Kasper]]'' * ''[[The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest|Real Adventures of Jonny Quest, The]]'' * [[Real World]] * [[Rebus]] * ''[[Recovery]]'' * ''[[Redwall (1999 TV series)|Redwall (1999 TV series)]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Ribert and Robert's Wonderworld]]'' * ''[[Ricky Zoom]]'' * ''[[Ridley Jones]]'' * ''[[Right Path]]'' * ''[[Right Side In Kansas]]'' * ''[[Rising Damp]]'' * ''[[Rob & Big]]'' * ''[[Rocket Monkeys]]'' * ''[[Rolie Polie Olie]]'' * ''[[Roobarb (1974)]]'' * ''[[Roobarb and Custard Too (2005)]]'' * ''[[Rosie's Rules]]'' * ''[[Roundhouse]]'' * ''[[Round the Twist]]'' * ''[[Royal Pains]]'' * ''[[Rules Of Engagement]]'' * ''[[Rupert (TV series)|Rupert]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Saddle Club|Saddle Club, The]]'' * [[Saint Seiya]] * [[Sanford and Son]] * [[Sanjay and Craig]] (Removed) * [[Savages]] * [[Say Yes, and Marry Me]] * ''[[Scryed]]'' * ''[[seaQuest DSV]]'' * [[Seijuu Sentai Gingaman]] * ''[[Sergeant Stripes (TV series)|Sergeant Stripes]]'' * ''[[Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy]]'' * [[Shahs of Sunset]] * [[Shelley Duvall's Faerie Tale Theatre]] * [[Shinzo]] * [[Shooting Stars]] * [[The Show Biz Show with David Spade|Show Biz Show with David Spade, The]] * [[Sifl and Olly]] * [[Sister, Sister]] * [[Skunk Boy]] *''[[Skunk Fu!|Skunk Fu!]]'' * ''[[Small Wonder]]'' * [[Smash]] * [[Smash Lab]] * [[Snowpiercer (TV Series)]] * ''[[So Random!]]'' * ''[[Sonic Underground]]'' * [[Sooty (2001 TV series)|Sooty]] (2001) * [[Sooty (2011 TV series)|Sooty]] (2011) * [[Sooty & Co.]] * ''[[Sooty Heights]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Sooty Show|Sooty Show, The]]'' * ''[[Sooty's Amazing Adventures]]'' * ''[[South of Nowhere]]'' * ''[[Space: 1999]]'' * [[Space Cases]] * [[Space Chickens in Space]] * [[Space Ghost: Coast to Coast]] * ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]'' * ''[[Spawn]]'' * [[Special Agent Oso]] * [[The Spectacular Spider-Man|Spectacular Spider-Man, The]] * ''[[Speed Racer (TV Series)|Speed Racer]]'' * [[Stanley (2001 TV series)|Stanley]] * [[Star Vs. The Forces of Evil]] (Removed) * [[Splatalot]] * [[SportsCenter]] * ''[[Spyder Games]]'' * [[Stargirl]] * [[Steam Detectives]] * ''[[Steven C. Patti presents Super Robot Wars]]'' * [[Stoked]] * [[Story of Tracy Beaker, The]] * [[Street Fury]] * [[Street Hawk]] * [[Street Sharks]] * [[Street Sounds Music Video Show]] * [[Suburgatory]] * [[Sunny Day]] * ''[[The Suite Life on Land|Suite Life on Land, The]]'' * ''[[Supah Ninjas]]'' * ''[[Supergirl]]'' * [[Superman & Lois]] * [[Surface]] *[[Sweet Magnolias]]* *[[Sweet Home]]* * [[Switched At Birth]] * ''[[Sword Art Online]]'' * [[Super Dragon Ball Heroes]] {{Col-end}} ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Taggart]]'' * ''[[Talkshow with Spike Feresten]]'' * [[TechTV Vault]] * [[Ted Lasso]] * [[Teen, Win, Lose, or Draw]] * [[Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-Ohki]] * [[Tenchi in Tokyo]] * ''[[Tenchi Universe]]'' * ''[[That Girl]]'' * ''[[The 7D]]'' * ''[[The Adventures of Raggedy Ann and Andy]]'' * ''[[The Adventures of Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[The Flash (2014)The Flash]]'' * ''[[The Fosters]]'' * ''[[The Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat]]'' * ''[[The Undersea World of Fifi]]'' * ''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' * ''[[Threshold]]'' * ''[[Thundercats]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Time Trumpet]]'' * ''[[Time Warp Trio]]'' * ''[[Timon & Pumbaa (TV series)|Timon & Pumbaa]]'' * [[Tin Man]] * [[The Tom and Jerry Comedy Show]] * [[Tom & Jerry Kids]] * [[The Tom and Jerry Show (1975 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (1975) * [[Tom and Jerry Tales]] * ''[[Top Gear US]]'' * ''[[TOUCH]]'' * [[Total Wipeout]] * [[Too Loud]] * [[Totally Spies]] * [[Trinity Blood]] * [[Tron: Uprising]] * ''[[Trollz]]'' * [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]] * [[Turbo Charged Thunderbirds]] * [[Twenty Good Years]] * [[Two of a Kind]] * ''[[Tyler Perry's House of Payne]]'' {{Col-end}} ===U=== * [[Undercover Boss]] * [[Unforgettable]] * [[Unikitty!]] * [[Unsolved Mysteries]] * [[Untold Stories of the E.R.]] * [[Utaban]] * [[Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt]] ===V=== * [[VeggieTales in the House]] * [[Vice Principals]] * [[Vikings]] * [[VR Troopers]] * ''[[Victoria (ITV)]]'' * ''[[Victor and Valentino]]'' *[[Voltron:Legendary Defender]] ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Wagaya no Oinari-sama]]'' * ''[[Walker, Texas Ranger]]'' * ''[[Wally Gator]]'' * ''[[Wangan Midnight]]'' * ''[[The Wallflower]]'' * ''[[Waynehead]]'' * ''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]'' * ''[[The Weakest Link]]'' * ''[[Wee 3]]'' * [[Welcone to the Wayne]] * ''[[What About Brian]]'' * ''[[What About Mimi?]]'' * ''[[What's My Line?]]'' * ''[[When Calls The Heart]]'' * ''[[Whisker Haven]]'' * ''[[Whitest Kids U'Know]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Who's the Boss]]'' * ''[[Who Pays the Ferryman]]'' * ''[[Who Wants to be a Millionaire?]]'' * ''[[Why Women Kill]]'' * ''[[Wide-Eye]]'' * ''[[Wild N Out]]'' * ''[[Wild Kratts]]'' * ''[[Wilfred]]'' * ''[[Will and Dewitt]]'' * ''[[Willa's Wild Life]]'' * ''[[Wings]]'' * ''[[Wipeout]]'' (2008 game show) * ''[[Wimzie's House]]'' * ''[[Women's Murder Club]]'' * ''[[Would You Believe? (TV series)|Would You Believe?]]'' * ''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Wunschpunsch]]'' {{Col-end}} ===X=== * ''[[X-Play]]'' * ''[[Xiaolin Chronicles]]'' * ''[[XIII: The Series]]'' * ''[[Xuxa]]'' ===Y=== * ''[[Yellowstone]]'' * ''[[You and Me, Kid]]'' * ''[[Youyou Zizai]]'' (also known as ''The Wonderful World of Chinese Characters'') * ''[[Young & Hungry]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh Arc V]]'' ===Z=== * ''[[Zak Tales]]'' * ''[[ZEGAPAIN]]'' * ''[[Zeke and Luther]]'' * ''[[Zerby Derby]]'' * ''[[The ZhuZhus]]'' * ''[[ZOOM (2001-2005 TV series)|ZOOM]]'' * ''[[Zoboomafoo (TV series)|Zoboomafoo]]'' * ''[[Zoids Chaotic Century]]'' * ''[[Zombie Loan]]'' * ''[[Zou (TV series)|Zou]]'' * ''[[Zula Patrol, The]]'' * ''[[Zyu2]]'' ==Notes== '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list. When creating a page for a show, please include the range of years the show was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:Television shows|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles. After a show article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for TV show quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to: found at [[:Category:TV stubs|TV stubs]] and [[:Category:TV cleanup|TV cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} *[[Advertising slogans]] * [[List of television shows (A–H)]] * [[List of television shows (I–P)]] ==External links== *[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database] *[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts> Television] *[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com] *[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV] *[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History] [[Category:Lists|television shows]] [[Category:Television shows|*]] 31432zsljnsvm46modoaooljx2ifumk 3944539 3944533 2026-05-23T17:15:14Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* T */ 3944539 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of television shows:''' ---- [[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===Q=== * ''[[Quantico (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Quantum Leap]]'' * ‘’[[Quack Pack]]’’ * ''[[Queer Eye]]'' (aka ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'') * ''[[Queer as Folk (UK TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[Queer as Folk (US TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United States) * ''[[Queer Duck]]'' * ''[[Quigley's Village]]'' * ''[[QI]]'' * ''[[Quincy, M.E.]]'' * "Queen of Mean" * Queen for a Day ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Raccoons|Raccoons, The]]'' * ''[[RahXephon]]'' * ''[[Rainbow Brite]]'' * ''[[Raising Hope]]'' * ''[[Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares]]'' * ''[[Ranma 1/2]]'' * ''[[Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)]]'' * ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Raven's Home]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Raw Toonage]]'' * ''[[Rainbow Fish]]'' * ''[[Reading Rainbow]]'' * ''[[Real Time with Bill Maher]]'' * ''[[Reba (TV series)|Reba]]'' * ''[[ReBoot]]'' * ''[[Reborn!]]'' *''[[The Real Ghostbusters|Real Ghostbusters, The]]'' * ''[[The Really Loud House|Really Loud House, The]]'' * ''[[Recess (TV series)|Recess]]'' * ''[[Red Dwarf]]'' * ''[[The Red Green Show|Red Green Show, The]]'' * ''[[Red vs Blue]]'' * ''[[The Red Skelton Show]]'' * ''[[Regular Show]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Related (TV series)|Related]]'' * ''[[Relativity]]'' * ''[[Remington Steele]]'' * ''[[Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon"]]'' * ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show|Ren & Stimpy Show, The]]'' * ''[[Reno 911!]]'' * ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|Replacements, The]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Rescue Heroes]]'' * ''[[Rescue Me]]'' * ''[[The Resident]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Resident Alien (TV series)|Resident Alien]]'' * ''[[Restaurant Stakeout]]'' * ''[[Revolution (TV series)|Revolution]]'' * ''[[Revolutionary Girl Utena]]'' * ''[[Revenge (TV series)|Revenge]]'' * ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' * ''[[Ringer (TV series)|Ringer]]'' * ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' * ''[[Riverdale]]'' * ''[[Rizzoli & Isles]]'' * ''[[Road Rovers]]'' * ''[[Roary the Racing Car]]'' * ''[[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)]]'' * ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' * ''[[Robotech]]'' * ''[[Robot Wars (TV series)|Robot Wars]]'' * ''[[Rock Paper Scissors (TV series)|Rock Paper Scissors]]'' * ''[[Rock Profile]]'' * ''[[Rocket Power]]'' * ''[[The Rockford Files|Rockford Files, The]]'' * ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' * ''[[Rockovnik]]'' * ''[[Roger Ramjet]]'' * ''[[Rome (TV series)|Rome]]'' * ''[[Rookie Blue]]'' * ''[[The Rookies]]'' * ''[[Roseanne]]'' * ''[[Roswell (TV series)|Roswell]]'' * ''[[Rove (TV series)|Rove]]'' * ''[[The Royle Family|Royle Family, The]]'' * ''[[Rubbadubbers]]'' * ''[[Rubicon (TV series)|Rubicon]]'' * ''[[Ruby Gloom]]'' * ''[[Rugrats]]'' * ''[[Runaway (TV series)|Runaway]]'' * ''[[Rhoda]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} * ''[[Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat]]'' * ''[[Sabrina: The Animated Series]]'' * ''[[Sabrina, the Teenage Witch]]'' * ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' * ''[[The Samsonadzes]] * ''[[Salem's Lot (1979 miniseries)|Salem's Lot]]'' (1979 miniseries) * ''[[Salute Your Shorts]]'' * ''[[Sam & Cat]]'' * ''[[Samantha Who?]]'' * ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' * ''[[Samurai Pizza Cats]]'' * ''[[Samuraï X]]'' * ''[[Samurai 7]]'' * ''[[Sanctuary (TV series)|Sanctuary]]'' * ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'' * ''[[Saved by the Bell]]'' * ''[[Saved by the Bell: The College Years]]'' * ''[[Sex Education]]'' * ''[[Scandal (TV series)|Scandal]]'' * ''[[Scarecrow and Mrs. King]]'' * ''[[Schitt's Creek]]'' * ''[[Schoolhouse Rock!]]'' * ''[[School Rumble]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo]]'' (includes ''Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!'', ''What's New, Scooby-Doo?'') * ''[[Scorpion (TV series)|Scorpion]]'' * ''[[Scream Queens]]'' * ''[[Scrubs (TV series)|Scrubs]]'' * ''[[Screen Songs]]'' * ''[[SCTV]]'' * ''[[SeaChange]]'' * ''[[Sealab 2021]]'' * ''[[Sea Patrol]]'' * ''[[Secret Diary of a Call Girl]]'' * [[The Secret Life of the American Teenager|''Secret Life of the American Teenager'', ''The'']] * ''[[The Secret Saturdays|Secret Saturdays, The]]'' * [[The Secret World of Alex Mack|''Secret World of Alex Mack'', ''The'']] * ''[[Seinfeld]]'' * ''[[Sesame Street]]'' * ''[[Sex and the City]]'' * ''[[Shake It Up]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Shaman King]]'' * ''[[Shameless (U.S. TV series)|Shameless]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[The Shannara Chronicles|Shannara Chronicles, The]]'' * ''[[Shark (TV series)|Shark]]'' {{Col-3}} * ''[[Sharpe]]'' * ''[[She-Ra and the Princesses of Power]]'' * ''[[Sheep in the Big City]]'' * ''[[Sherlock (TV series)|Sherlock]]'' * [[The Shield|''Shield'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shifting Gears (TV series)|Shifting Gears]]'' * ''[[Shuffle!]]'' * ''[[Shimmer and Shine]]'' * [[The Simpsons|''Simpsons'', ''The'']] * ''[[Signing Time!]]'' * ''[[Silver Spoons]]'' * ''[[Silverwing (TV series)|Silverwing]]'' * ''[[Six Feet Under]]'' * ''[[Skeleton Warriors (TV series)|Skeleton Warriors]]'' * ''[[Skins (TV series)|Skins]]'' * ''[[Sky Commanders]]'' * ''[[Sledge Hammer!]]'' * ''[[Sleepy Hollow (TV series)|Sleepy Hollow]]'' * ''[[Sliders]]'' * ''[[Smallville]]'' * ''[[Snoopy! The Musical (TV special)]]'' * ''[[So Help Me Todd]]'' * ''[[Soap (TV series)|Soap]]'' * ''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)|Sonic Boom]]'' * [[Sonic the Hedgehog (TV series)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' (SatAM)]] * ''[[Sonic Prime]]'' * ''[[Sonic X]]'' * ''[[Sonny With A Chance]]'' * ''[[Sons of Anarchy]]'' * [[The Sopranos|''Sopranos'', ''The'']] * ''[[Soul Eater]]'' * ''[[Soul Eater NOT!]]'' * ''[[South Park]]'' * ''[[Space: Above and Beyond]]'' * ''[[Spaceballs: The Animated Series]]'' * ''[[Spaced]]'' * ''[[Space Goofs]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Blood and Sand]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Gods of the Arena]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]'' * ''[[Special Unit 2]]'' * ''[[Speed Grapher]]'' * ''[[Spider-Man (1994 TV series)|Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[Spin City]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' * ''[[Spooks]]'' * ''[[Sports Night]]'' * ''[[Square One Television]]'' * ''[[Squidbillies]]'' * ''[[St. Denis Medical]]'' * ''[[St. Elsewhere]]'' {{Col-3}} * [[The Stand (miniseries)|''Stand'', ''The'']] (miniseries) * ''[[Star Crossed]]'' * ''[[Star Trek]]'' * ''[[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]]'' * ''[[Stargate Atlantis]]'' * ''[[Stargate SG-1]]'' * ''[[Stargate Universe]]'' * ''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]'' (2008) * ''[[Starsky & Hutch]]'' * ''[[Static Shock]]'' * ''[[Station Zero]]'' * ''[[Stella]]'' * [[The Steve Harvey Show|''Steve Harvey Show'', ''The'']] * ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Still Standing]]'' * ''[[The Story of God with Morgan Freeman|Story of God with Morgan Freeman, The]]'' * ''[[Strangers with Candy]]'' * ''[[Strawberry Shortcake's Berry Bitty Adventures]]'' * ''[[The Streets of San Francisco|Streets of San Francisco, The]]'' * ''[[Stressed Eric]]'' * ''[[Still Game]]'' * ''[[Stingers]]'' * ''[[Storm Hawks]]'' * ''[[Stripperella]]'' * ''[[Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip]]'' * ''[[STUPOR DUCK]]'' * ''[[Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye]]'' * [[The Suite Life of Zack and Cody|''Suite Life of Zack and Cody'', ''The'']] * [[The Suite Life on Deck|''Suite Life on Deck'', ''The'']] * ''[[Suits (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Summer Camp Island]]'' * ''[[Summer Heights High]]'' * ''[[Summerland]]'' * ''[[Sunny Bunnies]]'' * ''[[Survivor (U.S. TV show)|Survivor]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[Superior Donuts]]'' * ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (aka ''Superman'') * ''[[Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario World]]'' * ''[[Supernatural (U.S. TV series)|Supernatural]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[Super Powers]]'' * ''[[Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!]]'' * ''[[Superstore]]'' * ''[[Super Why!]]'' * ''[[Superjail!]]'' * ''[[SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron|SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron]]'' (aka ''SWAT Kats'') * [[The Sweeney|''Sweeney'', ''The'']] * [[Sweet Tooth]] {{Col-end}} * ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Taken (TV series)|Taken]]'' * ''[[Takin' Over the Asylum]]'' * ''[[TaleSpin]]'' * ''[[Taz-Mania]]'' * ''[[Teachers (TV series)|Teachers]]'' * ''[[Teddybears]]'' * ''[[Teen Titans]]'' * ''[[Teen Titans Go! (TV series)|Teen Titans Go!]]'' * ''[[Teen Wolf (2011 TV series)|Teen Wolf]]'' (2011) * ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|(1987)]] ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|(2003)]] ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|(2012)]] * ''[[Teletubbies]]'' (1997-2003) * ''[[Teletubbies (2015 TV series)]]'' (2015-2025) * ''[[Tenacious D (TV series)|Tenacious D]]'' * ''[[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann]]'' * ''[[Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles]]'' * ''[[Texhnolyze]]'' * ''[[Thank God You're Here (Australian TV show)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (Australia) * ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]'' * ''[[The Wiggles: Ready, Steady, Wiggle! - Series 1]]'' * ''[[The Wiggles: Ready, Steady, Wiggle! - Series 2]]'' * ''[[The Wacky Wabbit]]'' * ''[[The Doodlebops]]'' * ''[[The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' * ''[[Thank God You're Here (British TV series)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[That '70s Show]]'' * ''[[That's So Raven]]'' * ''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest heroes]]'' * ''[[The Cuphead Show]]'' * ''[[The Dreamstone]]'' * ''[[The Facts of life]]'' * ''[[The Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries]]'' * ''[[Thick Of It]]'' * ''[[Think Fast]]'' * ''[[Third Watch]]'' * ''[[Thirteen Reasons Why]]'' * ''[[Thomas & Friends]]'' * ''[[The Big Comfy Couch (TV series)|The Big Comfy Couch]]'' * ''[[Three's Company]]'' * ''[[Through the Wormhole]]'' * ''[[Thunderbirds]]'' * ''[[The Good Night Show]]'' * [[The Tick|''Tick'', ''The'']] (1994, animated) * [[The Tick (2001 TV series)|''Tick'', ''The'']] (2001, live-action) * ''[[Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!]]'' * ''[[Timon & Pumbaa]]'' * ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toon Looniversity]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]'' * ''[[The Tom and Jerry Show (2014 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (2014)'' * ''[[Tom Goes to the Mayor]]'' * ''[[Toopy and Binoo]]'' * ''[[Top Cat]]'' * ''[[Top Chef]]'' * ''[[Top Gear]]'' * ''[[Torchwood]]'' * ''[[Total Drama]]'' * ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' * ''[[Total DramaRama]]'' * ''[[Totally Spies!]]'' * ''[[Touch (American TV series)|Touch]]'' * ''[[Touched by an Angel]]'' * ''[[ToddWorld (TV series)|ToddWorld]]'' * ''[[Tour Of Duty]]'' * ''[[To the Moon and Back with Sheyene Gerardi]]'' * ''[[Trailer Park Boys]]'' * ''[[The Transformers|Transformers, The]]'' * ''[[Transformers: Armada]]'' * ''[[Transformers Animated]]'' * ''[[Transformers Prime]]'' * ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015 TV series)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Tribe (TV series)|Tribe, The]]'' * ''[[Trigun]]'' * ''[[Tru Calling]]'' * ''[[True Blood]]'' * ''[[True Detective]]'' * ''[[True Lies (TV series)|True Lies]]'' * ''[[Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE]]'' * ''[[Tsukuyomi: Moon Phase]]'' * ''[[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1959 series) * ''[[The Twilight Zone (1985 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1985 series) * ''[[Twin Peaks]]'' * ''[[Two and a Half Men]]'' * ''[[The Two Ronnies|Two Ronnies, The]]'' * [[The Tudors|''Tudors'', ''The'']] * ''[[Tuca & Bertie]]'' * ''[[Trolls: The Beat Goes On!]]'' * ''[[Tweenies]]'' * ''[[Tweenies (2026 TV series)]]'' {{Col-end}} ===U=== * ''[[Ugly Americans]]'' * ''[[Ugly Betty]]'' * ''[[The Umbrella Academy|Umbrella Academy, The]]'' * ''[[Undeclared]]'' * ''[[Underdog (TV series)|Underdog]]'' * ''[[The Unit|Unit, The]]'' * ''[[United States of Al]]'' * ''[[United States of Tara]]'' * ''[[Upright Citizens Brigade]]'' * ''[[Urusei Yatsura]]'' * ''[[Utopia (UK TV series)]]'' * Undercover Boss ===V=== * ''[[V (TV series)]]'' * ''[[The Vampire Diaries (TV series)|The Vampire Diaries]]'' * ''[[Veep]]'' * ''[[VeggieTales]]'' * ''[[VeggieTales 2]]'' * ''[[The Venture Bros.|Venture Bros., The]]'' * ''[[Veronica Mars]]'' * ''[[A Very British Coup|Very British Coup, A]]'' * ''[[The Vicar of Dibley|Vicar of Dibley, The]]'' * ''[[Vicious]]'' * ''[[Victor and Valentino]]'' * ''[[Victorious]]'' * ''[[Viewtiful Joe]]'' * ''[[Vikings (2013 TV series)|Vikings]]'' * ''[[The Virginian]]'' * ''[[Viva La Bam]]'' * ''[[Viva S Club]]'' * ''[[Voltron: Defender of the Universe]]'' * Virgin River ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[W.I.T.C.H. (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Witchblade (2001 TV series)|Witchblade]]'' (2001) * ''[[Witchblade (2006 TV series)|Witchblade]]'' (2006) * ''[[Wacky Races (1968 TV series)|Wacky Races]]'' (1968) * ''[[The Walking Dead (TV series)|Walking Dead, The]]'' * ''[[Walking with Beasts]]'' * ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' * ''[[Walking with Monsters]]'' * ''[[The Waltons]]'' * ''[[WandaVision]]'' * ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Wanted]]'' * ''[[War at Home]]'' * ''[[War of the Worlds (TV series)|War of the Worlds]]'' * ''[[Warehouse 13]]'' * ''[[Waterloo Road]]'' * ''[[WCW Monday Nitro]]'' * ''[[WCW Pay Per View Events]]'' * ''[[We Bare Bears]]'' * ''[[We Can Be Heroes]]'' * ''[[Wednesday_(TV_series)|Wednesday]]'' * ''[[Weeds (TV series)|Weeds]]'' * ''[[The Weekenders|Weekenders, The]]'' * ''[[Welcome Back, Kotter]]'' * ''[[Welcome to Pooh Corner (TV series)|Welcome to Pooh Corner]]'' * ''[[Welcome to the Wayne]]'' * ''[[Welcome to Flatch]]'' * ''[[Westworld (TV series)|Westworld]] * ''[[The West Wing|West Wing, The]]'' * ''[[What I Like About You]]'' * ''[[What's Happening!!]]'' * ''[[Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego?]]'' * ''[[White Collar]]'' * ''[[Whose Line Is It Anyway?]]'' (United States and United Kingdom) * ''[[Wild, Wild West]]'' * ''[[Wildfire (TV series)|Wildfire]]'' * ''[[The Wild Thornberrys|Wild Thornberrys, The]]'' * ''[[Will & Grace]]'' * ''[[Will Trent]]'' * ''[[Winx Club]]'' * ''[[The Wire|Wire, The]]'' * ''[[Wire in the Blood]]'' * ''[[Wiseguy (TV series)|Wiseguy]]'' * ''[[Without a Trace]]'' * ''[[Wizards of Waverly Place]]'' * ''[[WKRP in Cincinnati]]'' * ''[[Women of the Movement]]'' * ''[[Wonder Showzen]]'' * ''[[Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]'' * ''[[The Wonder Years|Wonder Years, The]]'' * ''[[Wonderfalls]]'' * ''[[WondLa]]'' * ''[[WordGirl]]'' * ''[[WordWorld]]'' * ''[[Workaholics]]'' * ''[[The World at War|World at War, The]]'' * ''[[WWE Championship Wrestling]]'' * ''[[WWE Raw]]'' * ''[[WWE SmackDown!]]'' * ''[[WWE Superstars of Wrestling]]'' {{Col-end}} ===X=== * ''[[The X-Files|X-Files, The]]'' * ''[[Xavier, Renegade Angel]]'' * ''[[Xena: Warrior Princess]]'' * ''[[Xiaolin Showdown]]'' * ''[[X-Men '97]]'' * ''[[X-Men (TV series)]]'' * ''[[X-Men: Evolution]]'' * ''[[xxx HOLiC]]'' * ''[[The X's]]'' ===Y=== * ''[[Yes, Dear]]'' * ''[[Yes, Minister]]'' * ''[[Yes, Prime Minister]]'' * ''[[Yesterday's Men (TV programme)|Yesterday's Men]]'' * ''[[Yin Yang Yo!]]'' * ''[[Yo soy Betty, la Fea]]'' * ''[[You Can't Do That on Television]]'' * ''[[The Young and the Restless|Young and the Restless, The]]'' * ''[[Young Justice]]'' * ''[[Young Sheldon]]'' * ''[[The Young Ones|Young Ones, The]]'' * ''[[Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[You're the Worst]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh GX]]'' * ''[[You]]'' ===Z=== * ''[[Zoey 101]]'' * Zoom * Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist * Zorro ==Requested== ===Q=== * ''[[Quantico]]'' * ''[[Quarterlife]]'' * ''[[A Question of Sport|Question of Sport, A]]'' * ''[[Quests for Camelot]]'' * ''[[Quincy M.E.]]'' * ''[[Quigley's Village]]'' * ''[[Qulo Chupado]]'' ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Rab C. Nesbitt]]'' * ''[[Radio Free Roscoe]]'' * [[Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty]] * [[Raising Dad]] * [[Raising The Bar]] * ''[[Raw Reality With Gail Kasper]]'' * ''[[The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest|Real Adventures of Jonny Quest, The]]'' * [[Real World]] * [[Rebus]] * ''[[Recovery]]'' * ''[[Redwall (1999 TV series)|Redwall (1999 TV series)]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Ribert and Robert's Wonderworld]]'' * ''[[Ricky Zoom]]'' * ''[[Ridley Jones]]'' * ''[[Right Path]]'' * ''[[Right Side In Kansas]]'' * ''[[Rising Damp]]'' * ''[[Rob & Big]]'' * ''[[Rocket Monkeys]]'' * ''[[Rolie Polie Olie]]'' * ''[[Roobarb (1974)]]'' * ''[[Roobarb and Custard Too (2005)]]'' * ''[[Rosie's Rules]]'' * ''[[Roundhouse]]'' * ''[[Round the Twist]]'' * ''[[Royal Pains]]'' * ''[[Rules Of Engagement]]'' * ''[[Rupert (TV series)|Rupert]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Saddle Club|Saddle Club, The]]'' * [[Saint Seiya]] * [[Sanford and Son]] * [[Sanjay and Craig]] (Removed) * [[Savages]] * [[Say Yes, and Marry Me]] * ''[[Scryed]]'' * ''[[seaQuest DSV]]'' * [[Seijuu Sentai Gingaman]] * ''[[Sergeant Stripes (TV series)|Sergeant Stripes]]'' * ''[[Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy]]'' * [[Shahs of Sunset]] * [[Shelley Duvall's Faerie Tale Theatre]] * [[Shinzo]] * [[Shooting Stars]] * [[The Show Biz Show with David Spade|Show Biz Show with David Spade, The]] * [[Sifl and Olly]] * [[Sister, Sister]] * [[Skunk Boy]] *''[[Skunk Fu!|Skunk Fu!]]'' * ''[[Small Wonder]]'' * [[Smash]] * [[Smash Lab]] * [[Snowpiercer (TV Series)]] * ''[[So Random!]]'' * ''[[Sonic Underground]]'' * [[Sooty (2001 TV series)|Sooty]] (2001) * [[Sooty (2011 TV series)|Sooty]] (2011) * [[Sooty & Co.]] * ''[[Sooty Heights]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Sooty Show|Sooty Show, The]]'' * ''[[Sooty's Amazing Adventures]]'' * ''[[South of Nowhere]]'' * ''[[Space: 1999]]'' * [[Space Cases]] * [[Space Chickens in Space]] * [[Space Ghost: Coast to Coast]] * ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]'' * ''[[Spawn]]'' * [[Special Agent Oso]] * [[The Spectacular Spider-Man|Spectacular Spider-Man, The]] * ''[[Speed Racer (TV Series)|Speed Racer]]'' * [[Stanley (2001 TV series)|Stanley]] * [[Star Vs. The Forces of Evil]] (Removed) * [[Splatalot]] * [[SportsCenter]] * ''[[Spyder Games]]'' * [[Stargirl]] * [[Steam Detectives]] * ''[[Steven C. Patti presents Super Robot Wars]]'' * [[Stoked]] * [[Story of Tracy Beaker, The]] * [[Street Fury]] * [[Street Hawk]] * [[Street Sharks]] * [[Street Sounds Music Video Show]] * [[Suburgatory]] * [[Sunny Day]] * ''[[The Suite Life on Land|Suite Life on Land, The]]'' * ''[[Supah Ninjas]]'' * ''[[Supergirl]]'' * [[Superman & Lois]] * [[Surface]] *[[Sweet Magnolias]]* *[[Sweet Home]]* * [[Switched At Birth]] * ''[[Sword Art Online]]'' * [[Super Dragon Ball Heroes]] {{Col-end}} ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Taggart]]'' * ''[[Talkshow with Spike Feresten]]'' * [[TechTV Vault]] * [[Ted Lasso]] * [[Teen, Win, Lose, or Draw]] * [[Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-Ohki]] * [[Tenchi in Tokyo]] * ''[[Tenchi Universe]]'' * ''[[That Girl]]'' * ''[[The 7D]]'' * ''[[The Adventures of Raggedy Ann and Andy]]'' * ''[[The Adventures of Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[The Flash (2014)The Flash]]'' * ''[[The Fosters]]'' * ''[[The Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat]]'' * ''[[The Undersea World of Fifi]]'' * ''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' * ''[[Threshold]]'' * ''[[Thundercats]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Time Trumpet]]'' * ''[[Time Warp Trio]]'' * ''[[Timon & Pumbaa (TV series)|Timon & Pumbaa]]'' * [[Tin Man]] * [[The Tom and Jerry Comedy Show]] * [[Tom & Jerry Kids]] * [[The Tom and Jerry Show (1975 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (1975) * [[Tom and Jerry Tales]] * ''[[Top Gear US]]'' * ''[[TOUCH]]'' * [[Total Wipeout]] * [[Too Loud]] * [[Totally Spies]] * [[Trinity Blood]] * [[Tron: Uprising]] * ''[[Trollz]]'' * [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]] * [[Turbo Charged Thunderbirds]] * [[Twenty Good Years]] * [[Two of a Kind]] * ''[[Tyler Perry's House of Payne]]'' {{Col-end}} ===U=== * [[Undercover Boss]] * [[Unforgettable]] * [[Unikitty!]] * [[Unsolved Mysteries]] * [[Untold Stories of the E.R.]] * [[Utaban]] * [[Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt]] ===V=== * [[VeggieTales in the House]] * [[Vice Principals]] * [[Vikings]] * [[VR Troopers]] * ''[[Victoria (ITV)]]'' * ''[[Victor and Valentino]]'' *[[Voltron:Legendary Defender]] ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Wagaya no Oinari-sama]]'' * ''[[Walker, Texas Ranger]]'' * ''[[Wally Gator]]'' * ''[[Wangan Midnight]]'' * ''[[The Wallflower]]'' * ''[[Waynehead]]'' * ''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]'' * ''[[The Weakest Link]]'' * ''[[Wee 3]]'' * [[Welcone to the Wayne]] * ''[[What About Brian]]'' * ''[[What About Mimi?]]'' * ''[[What's My Line?]]'' * ''[[When Calls The Heart]]'' * ''[[Whisker Haven]]'' * ''[[Whitest Kids U'Know]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Who's the Boss]]'' * ''[[Who Pays the Ferryman]]'' * ''[[Who Wants to be a Millionaire?]]'' * ''[[Why Women Kill]]'' * ''[[Wide-Eye]]'' * ''[[Wild N Out]]'' * ''[[Wild Kratts]]'' * ''[[Wilfred]]'' * ''[[Will and Dewitt]]'' * ''[[Willa's Wild Life]]'' * ''[[Wings]]'' * ''[[Wipeout]]'' (2008 game show) * ''[[Wimzie's House]]'' * ''[[Women's Murder Club]]'' * ''[[Would You Believe? (TV series)|Would You Believe?]]'' * ''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Wunschpunsch]]'' {{Col-end}} ===X=== * ''[[X-Play]]'' * ''[[Xiaolin Chronicles]]'' * ''[[XIII: The Series]]'' * ''[[Xuxa]]'' ===Y=== * ''[[Yellowstone]]'' * ''[[You and Me, Kid]]'' * ''[[Youyou Zizai]]'' (also known as ''The Wonderful World of Chinese Characters'') * ''[[Young & Hungry]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh Arc V]]'' ===Z=== * ''[[Zak Tales]]'' * ''[[ZEGAPAIN]]'' * ''[[Zeke and Luther]]'' * ''[[Zerby Derby]]'' * ''[[The ZhuZhus]]'' * ''[[ZOOM (2001-2005 TV series)|ZOOM]]'' * ''[[Zoboomafoo (TV series)|Zoboomafoo]]'' * ''[[Zoids Chaotic Century]]'' * ''[[Zombie Loan]]'' * ''[[Zou (TV series)|Zou]]'' * ''[[Zula Patrol, The]]'' * ''[[Zyu2]]'' ==Notes== '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list. When creating a page for a show, please include the range of years the show was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:Television shows|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles. After a show article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for TV show quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to: found at [[:Category:TV stubs|TV stubs]] and [[:Category:TV cleanup|TV cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} *[[Advertising slogans]] * [[List of television shows (A–H)]] * [[List of television shows (I–P)]] ==External links== *[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database] *[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts> Television] *[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com] *[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV] *[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History] [[Category:Lists|television shows]] [[Category:Television shows|*]] ta1iz9qnqoi8yji49delxm3yznbudau 3944540 3944539 2026-05-23T17:16:51Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* W */ 3944540 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of television shows:''' ---- [[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===Q=== * ''[[Quantico (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Quantum Leap]]'' * ‘’[[Quack Pack]]’’ * ''[[Queer Eye]]'' (aka ''Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'') * ''[[Queer as Folk (UK TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[Queer as Folk (US TV series)|Queer as Folk]]'' (United States) * ''[[Queer Duck]]'' * ''[[Quigley's Village]]'' * ''[[QI]]'' * ''[[Quincy, M.E.]]'' * "Queen of Mean" * Queen for a Day ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Raccoons|Raccoons, The]]'' * ''[[RahXephon]]'' * ''[[Rainbow Brite]]'' * ''[[Raising Hope]]'' * ''[[Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares]]'' * ''[[Ranma 1/2]]'' * ''[[Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)]]'' * ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Raven's Home]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Raw Toonage]]'' * ''[[Rainbow Fish]]'' * ''[[Reading Rainbow]]'' * ''[[Real Time with Bill Maher]]'' * ''[[Reba (TV series)|Reba]]'' * ''[[ReBoot]]'' * ''[[Reborn!]]'' *''[[The Real Ghostbusters|Real Ghostbusters, The]]'' * ''[[The Really Loud House|Really Loud House, The]]'' * ''[[Recess (TV series)|Recess]]'' * ''[[Red Dwarf]]'' * ''[[The Red Green Show|Red Green Show, The]]'' * ''[[Red vs Blue]]'' * ''[[The Red Skelton Show]]'' * ''[[Regular Show]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Related (TV series)|Related]]'' * ''[[Relativity]]'' * ''[[Remington Steele]]'' * ''[[Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon"]]'' * ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show|Ren & Stimpy Show, The]]'' * ''[[Reno 911!]]'' * ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|Replacements, The]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Rescue Heroes]]'' * ''[[Rescue Me]]'' * ''[[The Resident]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Resident Alien (TV series)|Resident Alien]]'' * ''[[Restaurant Stakeout]]'' * ''[[Revolution (TV series)|Revolution]]'' * ''[[Revolutionary Girl Utena]]'' * ''[[Revenge (TV series)|Revenge]]'' * ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' * ''[[Ringer (TV series)|Ringer]]'' * ''[[Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' * ''[[Riverdale]]'' * ''[[Rizzoli & Isles]]'' * ''[[Road Rovers]]'' * ''[[Roary the Racing Car]]'' * ''[[Robin Hood (2006 TV series)]]'' * ''[[Robot Chicken]]'' * ''[[Robotech]]'' * ''[[Robot Wars (TV series)|Robot Wars]]'' * ''[[Rock Paper Scissors (TV series)|Rock Paper Scissors]]'' * ''[[Rock Profile]]'' * ''[[Rocket Power]]'' * ''[[The Rockford Files|Rockford Files, The]]'' * ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' * ''[[Rockovnik]]'' * ''[[Roger Ramjet]]'' * ''[[Rome (TV series)|Rome]]'' * ''[[Rookie Blue]]'' * ''[[The Rookies]]'' * ''[[Roseanne]]'' * ''[[Roswell (TV series)|Roswell]]'' * ''[[Rove (TV series)|Rove]]'' * ''[[The Royle Family|Royle Family, The]]'' * ''[[Rubbadubbers]]'' * ''[[Rubicon (TV series)|Rubicon]]'' * ''[[Ruby Gloom]]'' * ''[[Rugrats]]'' * ''[[Runaway (TV series)|Runaway]]'' * ''[[Rhoda]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} * ''[[Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat]]'' * ''[[Sabrina: The Animated Series]]'' * ''[[Sabrina, the Teenage Witch]]'' * ''[[Sailor Moon]]'' * ''[[The Samsonadzes]] * ''[[Salem's Lot (1979 miniseries)|Salem's Lot]]'' (1979 miniseries) * ''[[Salute Your Shorts]]'' * ''[[Sam & Cat]]'' * ''[[Samantha Who?]]'' * ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' * ''[[Samurai Pizza Cats]]'' * ''[[Samuraï X]]'' * ''[[Samurai 7]]'' * ''[[Sanctuary (TV series)|Sanctuary]]'' * ''[[Saturday Night Live]]'' * ''[[Saved by the Bell]]'' * ''[[Saved by the Bell: The College Years]]'' * ''[[Sex Education]]'' * ''[[Scandal (TV series)|Scandal]]'' * ''[[Scarecrow and Mrs. King]]'' * ''[[Schitt's Creek]]'' * ''[[Schoolhouse Rock!]]'' * ''[[School Rumble]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo]]'' (includes ''Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!'', ''What's New, Scooby-Doo?'') * ''[[Scorpion (TV series)|Scorpion]]'' * ''[[Scream Queens]]'' * ''[[Scrubs (TV series)|Scrubs]]'' * ''[[Screen Songs]]'' * ''[[SCTV]]'' * ''[[SeaChange]]'' * ''[[Sealab 2021]]'' * ''[[Sea Patrol]]'' * ''[[Secret Diary of a Call Girl]]'' * [[The Secret Life of the American Teenager|''Secret Life of the American Teenager'', ''The'']] * ''[[The Secret Saturdays|Secret Saturdays, The]]'' * [[The Secret World of Alex Mack|''Secret World of Alex Mack'', ''The'']] * ''[[Seinfeld]]'' * ''[[Sesame Street]]'' * ''[[Sex and the City]]'' * ''[[Shake It Up]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Shaman King]]'' * ''[[Shameless (U.S. TV series)|Shameless]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[The Shannara Chronicles|Shannara Chronicles, The]]'' * ''[[Shark (TV series)|Shark]]'' {{Col-3}} * ''[[Sharpe]]'' * ''[[She-Ra and the Princesses of Power]]'' * ''[[Sheep in the Big City]]'' * ''[[Sherlock (TV series)|Sherlock]]'' * [[The Shield|''Shield'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shifting Gears (TV series)|Shifting Gears]]'' * ''[[Shuffle!]]'' * ''[[Shimmer and Shine]]'' * [[The Simpsons|''Simpsons'', ''The'']] * ''[[Signing Time!]]'' * ''[[Silver Spoons]]'' * ''[[Silverwing (TV series)|Silverwing]]'' * ''[[Six Feet Under]]'' * ''[[Skeleton Warriors (TV series)|Skeleton Warriors]]'' * ''[[Skins (TV series)|Skins]]'' * ''[[Sky Commanders]]'' * ''[[Sledge Hammer!]]'' * ''[[Sleepy Hollow (TV series)|Sleepy Hollow]]'' * ''[[Sliders]]'' * ''[[Smallville]]'' * ''[[Snoopy! The Musical (TV special)]]'' * ''[[So Help Me Todd]]'' * ''[[Soap (TV series)|Soap]]'' * ''[[Sonic Boom (TV series)|Sonic Boom]]'' * [[Sonic the Hedgehog (TV series)|''Sonic the Hedgehog'' (SatAM)]] * ''[[Sonic Prime]]'' * ''[[Sonic X]]'' * ''[[Sonny With A Chance]]'' * ''[[Sons of Anarchy]]'' * [[The Sopranos|''Sopranos'', ''The'']] * ''[[Soul Eater]]'' * ''[[Soul Eater NOT!]]'' * ''[[South Park]]'' * ''[[Space: Above and Beyond]]'' * ''[[Spaceballs: The Animated Series]]'' * ''[[Spaced]]'' * ''[[Space Goofs]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Blood and Sand]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Gods of the Arena]]'' * ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]'' * ''[[Special Unit 2]]'' * ''[[Speed Grapher]]'' * ''[[Spider-Man (1994 TV series)|Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[Spin City]]'' * ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' * ''[[Spooks]]'' * ''[[Sports Night]]'' * ''[[Square One Television]]'' * ''[[Squidbillies]]'' * ''[[St. Denis Medical]]'' * ''[[St. Elsewhere]]'' {{Col-3}} * [[The Stand (miniseries)|''Stand'', ''The'']] (miniseries) * ''[[Star Crossed]]'' * ''[[Star Trek]]'' * ''[[Star Trek: Deep Space Nine]]'' * ''[[Stargate Atlantis]]'' * ''[[Stargate SG-1]]'' * ''[[Stargate Universe]]'' * ''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]'' (2008) * ''[[Starsky & Hutch]]'' * ''[[Static Shock]]'' * ''[[Station Zero]]'' * ''[[Stella]]'' * [[The Steve Harvey Show|''Steve Harvey Show'', ''The'']] * ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Still Standing]]'' * ''[[The Story of God with Morgan Freeman|Story of God with Morgan Freeman, The]]'' * ''[[Strangers with Candy]]'' * ''[[Strawberry Shortcake's Berry Bitty Adventures]]'' * ''[[The Streets of San Francisco|Streets of San Francisco, The]]'' * ''[[Stressed Eric]]'' * ''[[Still Game]]'' * ''[[Stingers]]'' * ''[[Storm Hawks]]'' * ''[[Stripperella]]'' * ''[[Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip]]'' * ''[[STUPOR DUCK]]'' * ''[[Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye]]'' * [[The Suite Life of Zack and Cody|''Suite Life of Zack and Cody'', ''The'']] * [[The Suite Life on Deck|''Suite Life on Deck'', ''The'']] * ''[[Suits (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Summer Camp Island]]'' * ''[[Summer Heights High]]'' * ''[[Summerland]]'' * ''[[Sunny Bunnies]]'' * ''[[Survivor (U.S. TV show)|Survivor]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[Superior Donuts]]'' * ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (aka ''Superman'') * ''[[Super Mario Bros.|Super Mario World]]'' * ''[[Supernatural (U.S. TV series)|Supernatural]]'' (U.S.) * ''[[Super Powers]]'' * ''[[Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!]]'' * ''[[Superstore]]'' * ''[[Super Why!]]'' * ''[[Superjail!]]'' * ''[[SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron|SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron]]'' (aka ''SWAT Kats'') * [[The Sweeney|''Sweeney'', ''The'']] * [[Sweet Tooth]] {{Col-end}} * ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Taken (TV series)|Taken]]'' * ''[[Takin' Over the Asylum]]'' * ''[[TaleSpin]]'' * ''[[Taz-Mania]]'' * ''[[Teachers (TV series)|Teachers]]'' * ''[[Teddybears]]'' * ''[[Teen Titans]]'' * ''[[Teen Titans Go! (TV series)|Teen Titans Go!]]'' * ''[[Teen Wolf (2011 TV series)|Teen Wolf]]'' (2011) * ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]]'' ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987 TV series)|(1987)]] ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003 TV series)|(2003)]] ** [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012 TV series)|(2012)]] * ''[[Teletubbies]]'' (1997-2003) * ''[[Teletubbies (2015 TV series)]]'' (2015-2025) * ''[[Tenacious D (TV series)|Tenacious D]]'' * ''[[Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann]]'' * ''[[Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles]]'' * ''[[Texhnolyze]]'' * ''[[Thank God You're Here (Australian TV show)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (Australia) * ''[[The Big Bang Theory]]'' * ''[[The Wiggles: Ready, Steady, Wiggle! - Series 1]]'' * ''[[The Wiggles: Ready, Steady, Wiggle! - Series 2]]'' * ''[[The Wacky Wabbit]]'' * ''[[The Doodlebops]]'' * ''[[The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh]]'' * ''[[Thank God You're Here (British TV series)|Thank God You're Here]]'' (United Kingdom) * ''[[That '70s Show]]'' * ''[[That's So Raven]]'' * ''[[The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest heroes]]'' * ''[[The Cuphead Show]]'' * ''[[The Dreamstone]]'' * ''[[The Facts of life]]'' * ''[[The Sylvester & Tweety Mysteries]]'' * ''[[Thick Of It]]'' * ''[[Think Fast]]'' * ''[[Third Watch]]'' * ''[[Thirteen Reasons Why]]'' * ''[[Thomas & Friends]]'' * ''[[The Big Comfy Couch (TV series)|The Big Comfy Couch]]'' * ''[[Three's Company]]'' * ''[[Through the Wormhole]]'' * ''[[Thunderbirds]]'' * ''[[The Good Night Show]]'' * [[The Tick|''Tick'', ''The'']] (1994, animated) * [[The Tick (2001 TV series)|''Tick'', ''The'']] (2001, live-action) * ''[[Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!]]'' * ''[[Timon & Pumbaa]]'' * ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toon Looniversity]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Titus (TV series)|Titus]]'' * ''[[The Tom and Jerry Show (2014 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (2014)'' * ''[[Tom Goes to the Mayor]]'' * ''[[Toopy and Binoo]]'' * ''[[Top Cat]]'' * ''[[Top Chef]]'' * ''[[Top Gear]]'' * ''[[Torchwood]]'' * ''[[Total Drama]]'' * ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' * ''[[Total DramaRama]]'' * ''[[Totally Spies!]]'' * ''[[Touch (American TV series)|Touch]]'' * ''[[Touched by an Angel]]'' * ''[[ToddWorld (TV series)|ToddWorld]]'' * ''[[Tour Of Duty]]'' * ''[[To the Moon and Back with Sheyene Gerardi]]'' * ''[[Trailer Park Boys]]'' * ''[[The Transformers|Transformers, The]]'' * ''[[Transformers: Armada]]'' * ''[[Transformers Animated]]'' * ''[[Transformers Prime]]'' * ''[[Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015 TV series)|Transformers: Robots in Disguise]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Tribe (TV series)|Tribe, The]]'' * ''[[Trigun]]'' * ''[[Tru Calling]]'' * ''[[True Blood]]'' * ''[[True Detective]]'' * ''[[True Lies (TV series)|True Lies]]'' * ''[[Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE]]'' * ''[[Tsukuyomi: Moon Phase]]'' * ''[[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1959 series) * ''[[The Twilight Zone (1985 TV series)|Twilight Zone, The]]'' (1985 series) * ''[[Twin Peaks]]'' * ''[[Two and a Half Men]]'' * ''[[The Two Ronnies|Two Ronnies, The]]'' * [[The Tudors|''Tudors'', ''The'']] * ''[[Tuca & Bertie]]'' * ''[[Trolls: The Beat Goes On!]]'' * ''[[Tweenies]]'' * ''[[Tweenies (2026 TV series)]]'' {{Col-end}} ===U=== * ''[[Ugly Americans]]'' * ''[[Ugly Betty]]'' * ''[[The Umbrella Academy|Umbrella Academy, The]]'' * ''[[Undeclared]]'' * ''[[Underdog (TV series)|Underdog]]'' * ''[[The Unit|Unit, The]]'' * ''[[United States of Al]]'' * ''[[United States of Tara]]'' * ''[[Upright Citizens Brigade]]'' * ''[[Urusei Yatsura]]'' * ''[[Utopia (UK TV series)]]'' * Undercover Boss ===V=== * ''[[V (TV series)]]'' * ''[[The Vampire Diaries (TV series)|The Vampire Diaries]]'' * ''[[Veep]]'' * ''[[VeggieTales]]'' * ''[[VeggieTales 2]]'' * ''[[The Venture Bros.|Venture Bros., The]]'' * ''[[Veronica Mars]]'' * ''[[A Very British Coup|Very British Coup, A]]'' * ''[[The Vicar of Dibley|Vicar of Dibley, The]]'' * ''[[Vicious]]'' * ''[[Victor and Valentino]]'' * ''[[Victorious]]'' * ''[[Viewtiful Joe]]'' * ''[[Vikings (2013 TV series)|Vikings]]'' * ''[[The Virginian]]'' * ''[[Viva La Bam]]'' * ''[[Viva S Club]]'' * ''[[Voltron: Defender of the Universe]]'' * Virgin River ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[W.I.T.C.H. (TV series)]]'' * ''[[Witchblade (2001 TV series)|Witchblade]]'' (2001) * ''[[Witchblade (2006 TV series)|Witchblade]]'' (2006) * ''[[Wacky Races (1968 TV series)|Wacky Races]]'' (1968) * ''[[The Walking Dead (TV series)|Walking Dead, The]]'' * ''[[Walking with Beasts]]'' * ''[[Walking with Dinosaurs]]'' * ''[[Walking with Monsters]]'' * ''[[The Waltons]]'' * ''[[WandaVision]]'' * ''[[Wander Over Yonder]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Wanted]]'' * ''[[War at Home]]'' * ''[[War of the Worlds (TV series)|War of the Worlds]]'' * ''[[Warehouse 13]]'' * ''[[Waterloo Road]]'' * ''[[WCW Monday Nitro]]'' * ''[[WCW Pay Per View Events]]'' * ''[[We Bare Bears]]'' * ''[[We Can Be Heroes]]'' * ''[[Wednesday_(TV_series)|Wednesday]]'' * ''[[Weeds (TV series)|Weeds]]'' * ''[[The Weekenders|Weekenders, The]]'' * ''[[Welcome Back, Kotter]]'' * ''[[Welcome to Pooh Corner (TV series)|Welcome to Pooh Corner]]'' * ''[[Welcome to the Wayne]]'' * ''[[Welcome to Flatch]]'' * ''[[Westworld (TV series)|Westworld]] * ''[[The West Wing|West Wing, The]]'' * ''[[What About Mimi?]]'' * ''[[What I Like About You]]'' * ''[[What's Happening!!]]'' * ''[[Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego? (TV show)|Where in Time Is Carmen Sandiego?]]'' * ''[[White Collar]]'' * ''[[Whose Line Is It Anyway?]]'' (United States and United Kingdom) * ''[[Wild, Wild West]]'' * ''[[Wildfire (TV series)|Wildfire]]'' * ''[[The Wild Thornberrys|Wild Thornberrys, The]]'' * ''[[Will & Grace]]'' * ''[[Will Trent]]'' * ''[[Winx Club]]'' * ''[[The Wire|Wire, The]]'' * ''[[Wire in the Blood]]'' * ''[[Wiseguy (TV series)|Wiseguy]]'' * ''[[Without a Trace]]'' * ''[[Wizards of Waverly Place]]'' * ''[[WKRP in Cincinnati]]'' * ''[[Women of the Movement]]'' * ''[[Wonder Showzen]]'' * ''[[Wonder Woman (TV series)|Wonder Woman]]'' * ''[[The Wonder Years|Wonder Years, The]]'' * ''[[Wonderfalls]]'' * ''[[WondLa]]'' * ''[[WordGirl]]'' * ''[[WordWorld]]'' * ''[[Workaholics]]'' * ''[[The World at War|World at War, The]]'' * ''[[WWE Championship Wrestling]]'' * ''[[WWE Raw]]'' * ''[[WWE SmackDown!]]'' * ''[[WWE Superstars of Wrestling]]'' {{Col-end}} ===X=== * ''[[The X-Files|X-Files, The]]'' * ''[[Xavier, Renegade Angel]]'' * ''[[Xena: Warrior Princess]]'' * ''[[Xiaolin Showdown]]'' * ''[[X-Men '97]]'' * ''[[X-Men (TV series)]]'' * ''[[X-Men: Evolution]]'' * ''[[xxx HOLiC]]'' * ''[[The X's]]'' ===Y=== * ''[[Yes, Dear]]'' * ''[[Yes, Minister]]'' * ''[[Yes, Prime Minister]]'' * ''[[Yesterday's Men (TV programme)|Yesterday's Men]]'' * ''[[Yin Yang Yo!]]'' * ''[[Yo soy Betty, la Fea]]'' * ''[[You Can't Do That on Television]]'' * ''[[The Young and the Restless|Young and the Restless, The]]'' * ''[[Young Justice]]'' * ''[[Young Sheldon]]'' * ''[[The Young Ones|Young Ones, The]]'' * ''[[Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man]]'' * ''[[You're the Worst]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh!]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh GX]]'' * ''[[You]]'' ===Z=== * ''[[Zoey 101]]'' * Zoom * Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist * Zorro ==Requested== ===Q=== * ''[[Quantico]]'' * ''[[Quarterlife]]'' * ''[[A Question of Sport|Question of Sport, A]]'' * ''[[Quests for Camelot]]'' * ''[[Quincy M.E.]]'' * ''[[Quigley's Village]]'' * ''[[Qulo Chupado]]'' ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Rab C. Nesbitt]]'' * ''[[Radio Free Roscoe]]'' * [[Rainbow Butterfly Unicorn Kitty]] * [[Raising Dad]] * [[Raising The Bar]] * ''[[Raw Reality With Gail Kasper]]'' * ''[[The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest|Real Adventures of Jonny Quest, The]]'' * [[Real World]] * [[Rebus]] * ''[[Recovery]]'' * ''[[Redwall (1999 TV series)|Redwall (1999 TV series)]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Ribert and Robert's Wonderworld]]'' * ''[[Ricky Zoom]]'' * ''[[Ridley Jones]]'' * ''[[Right Path]]'' * ''[[Right Side In Kansas]]'' * ''[[Rising Damp]]'' * ''[[Rob & Big]]'' * ''[[Rocket Monkeys]]'' * ''[[Rolie Polie Olie]]'' * ''[[Roobarb (1974)]]'' * ''[[Roobarb and Custard Too (2005)]]'' * ''[[Rosie's Rules]]'' * ''[[Roundhouse]]'' * ''[[Round the Twist]]'' * ''[[Royal Pains]]'' * ''[[Rules Of Engagement]]'' * ''[[Rupert (TV series)|Rupert]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Saddle Club|Saddle Club, The]]'' * [[Saint Seiya]] * [[Sanford and Son]] * [[Sanjay and Craig]] (Removed) * [[Savages]] * [[Say Yes, and Marry Me]] * ''[[Scryed]]'' * ''[[seaQuest DSV]]'' * [[Seijuu Sentai Gingaman]] * ''[[Sergeant Stripes (TV series)|Sergeant Stripes]]'' * ''[[Seth MacFarlane's Cavalcade of Cartoon Comedy]]'' * [[Shahs of Sunset]] * [[Shelley Duvall's Faerie Tale Theatre]] * [[Shinzo]] * [[Shooting Stars]] * [[The Show Biz Show with David Spade|Show Biz Show with David Spade, The]] * [[Sifl and Olly]] * [[Sister, Sister]] * [[Skunk Boy]] *''[[Skunk Fu!|Skunk Fu!]]'' * ''[[Small Wonder]]'' * [[Smash]] * [[Smash Lab]] * [[Snowpiercer (TV Series)]] * ''[[So Random!]]'' * ''[[Sonic Underground]]'' * [[Sooty (2001 TV series)|Sooty]] (2001) * [[Sooty (2011 TV series)|Sooty]] (2011) * [[Sooty & Co.]] * ''[[Sooty Heights]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Sooty Show|Sooty Show, The]]'' * ''[[Sooty's Amazing Adventures]]'' * ''[[South of Nowhere]]'' * ''[[Space: 1999]]'' * [[Space Cases]] * [[Space Chickens in Space]] * [[Space Ghost: Coast to Coast]] * ''[[Spartacus: Vengeance]]'' * ''[[Spawn]]'' * [[Special Agent Oso]] * [[The Spectacular Spider-Man|Spectacular Spider-Man, The]] * ''[[Speed Racer (TV Series)|Speed Racer]]'' * [[Stanley (2001 TV series)|Stanley]] * [[Star Vs. The Forces of Evil]] (Removed) * [[Splatalot]] * [[SportsCenter]] * ''[[Spyder Games]]'' * [[Stargirl]] * [[Steam Detectives]] * ''[[Steven C. Patti presents Super Robot Wars]]'' * [[Stoked]] * [[Story of Tracy Beaker, The]] * [[Street Fury]] * [[Street Hawk]] * [[Street Sharks]] * [[Street Sounds Music Video Show]] * [[Suburgatory]] * [[Sunny Day]] * ''[[The Suite Life on Land|Suite Life on Land, The]]'' * ''[[Supah Ninjas]]'' * ''[[Supergirl]]'' * [[Superman & Lois]] * [[Surface]] *[[Sweet Magnolias]]* *[[Sweet Home]]* * [[Switched At Birth]] * ''[[Sword Art Online]]'' * [[Super Dragon Ball Heroes]] {{Col-end}} ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Taggart]]'' * ''[[Talkshow with Spike Feresten]]'' * [[TechTV Vault]] * [[Ted Lasso]] * [[Teen, Win, Lose, or Draw]] * [[Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-Ohki]] * [[Tenchi in Tokyo]] * ''[[Tenchi Universe]]'' * ''[[That Girl]]'' * ''[[The 7D]]'' * ''[[The Adventures of Raggedy Ann and Andy]]'' * ''[[The Adventures of Puss in Boots]]'' * ''[[The Flash (2014)The Flash]]'' * ''[[The Fosters]]'' * ''[[The Twisted Tales of Felix the Cat]]'' * ''[[The Undersea World of Fifi]]'' * ''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' * ''[[Threshold]]'' * ''[[Thundercats]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Time Trumpet]]'' * ''[[Time Warp Trio]]'' * ''[[Timon & Pumbaa (TV series)|Timon & Pumbaa]]'' * [[Tin Man]] * [[The Tom and Jerry Comedy Show]] * [[Tom & Jerry Kids]] * [[The Tom and Jerry Show (1975 TV series)|Tom and Jerry Show, The]] (1975) * [[Tom and Jerry Tales]] * ''[[Top Gear US]]'' * ''[[TOUCH]]'' * [[Total Wipeout]] * [[Too Loud]] * [[Totally Spies]] * [[Trinity Blood]] * [[Tron: Uprising]] * ''[[Trollz]]'' * [[T.U.F.F. Puppy]] * [[Turbo Charged Thunderbirds]] * [[Twenty Good Years]] * [[Two of a Kind]] * ''[[Tyler Perry's House of Payne]]'' {{Col-end}} ===U=== * [[Undercover Boss]] * [[Unforgettable]] * [[Unikitty!]] * [[Unsolved Mysteries]] * [[Untold Stories of the E.R.]] * [[Utaban]] * [[Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt]] ===V=== * [[VeggieTales in the House]] * [[Vice Principals]] * [[Vikings]] * [[VR Troopers]] * ''[[Victoria (ITV)]]'' * ''[[Victor and Valentino]]'' *[[Voltron:Legendary Defender]] ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Wagaya no Oinari-sama]]'' * ''[[Walker, Texas Ranger]]'' * ''[[Wally Gator]]'' * ''[[Wangan Midnight]]'' * ''[[The Wallflower]]'' * ''[[Waynehead]]'' * ''[[Wayside (TV series)|Wayside]]'' * ''[[The Weakest Link]]'' * ''[[Wee 3]]'' * [[Welcone to the Wayne]] * ''[[What About Brian]]'' * ''[[What About Mimi?]]'' * ''[[What's My Line?]]'' * ''[[When Calls The Heart]]'' * ''[[Whisker Haven]]'' * ''[[Whitest Kids U'Know]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Who's the Boss]]'' * ''[[Who Pays the Ferryman]]'' * ''[[Who Wants to be a Millionaire?]]'' * ''[[Why Women Kill]]'' * ''[[Wide-Eye]]'' * ''[[Wild N Out]]'' * ''[[Wild Kratts]]'' * ''[[Wilfred]]'' * ''[[Will and Dewitt]]'' * ''[[Willa's Wild Life]]'' * ''[[Wings]]'' * ''[[Wipeout]]'' (2008 game show) * ''[[Wimzie's House]]'' * ''[[Women's Murder Club]]'' * ''[[Would You Believe? (TV series)|Would You Believe?]]'' * ''[[Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!]]'' (Removed) * ''[[Wunschpunsch]]'' {{Col-end}} ===X=== * ''[[X-Play]]'' * ''[[Xiaolin Chronicles]]'' * ''[[XIII: The Series]]'' * ''[[Xuxa]]'' ===Y=== * ''[[Yellowstone]]'' * ''[[You and Me, Kid]]'' * ''[[Youyou Zizai]]'' (also known as ''The Wonderful World of Chinese Characters'') * ''[[Young & Hungry]]'' * ''[[Yu-Gi-Oh Arc V]]'' ===Z=== * ''[[Zak Tales]]'' * ''[[ZEGAPAIN]]'' * ''[[Zeke and Luther]]'' * ''[[Zerby Derby]]'' * ''[[The ZhuZhus]]'' * ''[[ZOOM (2001-2005 TV series)|ZOOM]]'' * ''[[Zoboomafoo (TV series)|Zoboomafoo]]'' * ''[[Zoids Chaotic Century]]'' * ''[[Zombie Loan]]'' * ''[[Zou (TV series)|Zou]]'' * ''[[Zula Patrol, The]]'' * ''[[Zyu2]]'' ==Notes== '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list. When creating a page for a show, please include the range of years the show was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:Television shows|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles. After a show article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for TV show quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to: found at [[:Category:TV stubs|TV stubs]] and [[:Category:TV cleanup|TV cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} *[[Advertising slogans]] * [[List of television shows (A–H)]] * [[List of television shows (I–P)]] ==External links== *[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database] *[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts> Television] *[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com] *[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV] *[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History] [[Category:Lists|television shows]] [[Category:Television shows|*]] b4yf9j0pohjg40u8w6slh90fvx2fs06 0 177586 3944698 3347443 2026-05-24T03:57:27Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944698 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Planters logo 2021.png|thumb|right|Try out Planters nuts today!]] No, it's not "Aw, nuts!", it's "Ah, nuts." Try our nuts now here: https://www.planters.com/ ==Quotes== * All true histories contain instruction; though, in some, the treasure may be hard to find, and when found, so trivial in quantity, that the dry, shrivelled kernel scarcely compensates for the trouble of cracking the nut. ** [[Anne Brontë]], in ''Agnes Grey'' (1847), Ch. I: The Parsonage. * The thievish jay<br/>Seeking her food, with ease might have purloined<br/>The auburn nut that held thee, swallowing down<br/>Thy yet close-folded latitude of boughs<br/>And all thine embryo vastness at a gulp.<br/>But fate thy growth decreed ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Yardley Oak'' (1791), line 18. * Nuts are like the pan fish of the forest, full of protein and especially fat—"poor man's meat." ** [[Robin Wall Kimmerer]], {{cite book |title={{w|Braiding Sweetgrass}}: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants |date=16 September 2013 |publisher=Milkweed Editions |isbn=978-1-57131-871-8 |page=13}} * That's the whole point of nuts: to provide the embryo with all that is needed to start a new life. ** [[Robin Wall Kimmerer]], {{cite book |title={{w|Braiding Sweetgrass}}: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants |date=16 September 2013 |publisher=Milkweed Editions |isbn=978-1-57131-871-8 |page=13}} [[File:Hazelnuts.jpg|thumb|right|]] * He shewed me a little thing, the quantity of an hazel-nut, in the palm of my hand; and it was as round as a ball. I looked thereupon with eye of my [[understanding]], and thought: ''What may this be?'' And it was answered generally thus: ''It is all that is made.'' I marvelled how it might last, for methought it might suddenly have fallen to naught for little. ** [[Julian of Norwich]], in ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (''c''.1393), Ch. 5. * The body was born and it will die. But for the soul there is no death. It is like the betel-nut. When the nut is ripe it does not stick to the shell. But when it is green it is difficult to separate it from the shell. After realizing God, one does not identify oneself any more with the body. Then one knows that body and soul are two different things. ** [[Ramakrishna]], ''The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna'' (1942), p. 319. * Sweet is the rose, but grows upon a brere;<br>Sweet is the juniper, but sharp his bough;<br>Sweet is the eglantine, but sticketh nere;<br>Sweet is the firbloome, but its braunches rough;<br>Sweet is the cypress, but its rynd is tough;<br>Sweet is the nut, but bitter is his pill;<br>Sweet is the broome-flowre, but yet sowre enough;<br>And sweet is moly, but his root is ill. ** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''Amoretti'', Sonnet XXVI. * The bodie bigge, and mightely pight,<br>Thoroughly rooted, and of wond'rous hight;<br>Whilome had bene the king of the field,<br>And mochell mast to the husband did yielde,<br>And with his nuts larded many swine. ** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''Shepheard's Callender'', "Februarie". * What does the good ship bear so well?<br>The cocoa-nut with its stony shell,<br>And the milky sap of its inner cell. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''The Palm-Tree''. ===Proverbs=== * ''Kawi pawh a kawm a ṭhat chuan a rah pawh a ṭha, a kawm a chhiat chuan a rah pawh a chhia.'' **Literal: If the shell of ''Kawi'' is good, the nut it bears is also good; if the shell is not good, the nut inside is also poor. (''Kawi'' is a large been-like seed or nut.) ** [[Mizo proverb]], reported in C. Saizawna, ''Pipute ṭawngkauchheh'' and M.D. Muthukumaraswamy, ''Folklore as a Discourse'', Univ. of Madras, Dept. of Anthropology, National Folklore Support Center (India). * ''If ye like the nut, crack it.'' ** Meaning: "Nothing is achieved without effort." ** [[Scots proverb]], reported in {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA121|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=121}}; {{cite book | last1 = Strauss | first = Emanuel | edition = Volume 2 | year = 1994 | title = Dictionary of European proverbs | chapter = 784 | volume = II | publisher = Routledge | page = 680 | pages = 2200 | isbn =0415096243}} * ''He that would eat the kernel must crack the nut.'' ** Meaning: "Nothing is achieved without effort." ** [[English proverb]], reported in {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA121|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=121}}; {{cite book|author=Caroline Ward|title=National Proverbs in the Principal Languages of Europe|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=3FEWAAAAYAAJ|year=1842|publisher=J.W. Parker|page=56}} ==See also== * [[Nut butter]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|nut}} {{Commons category|Nuts}} [[Category:Food and drink]] lxtice5q96kqvcvla6q39u1hpgdhm5y 3944700 3944698 2026-05-24T03:58:04Z ~2026-30907-13 3328559 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3944698|3944698]] by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) 3944700 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otheruses|Nut}} [[File:Common-nuts.png|thumb|right|''If ye like the nut, crack it.'']] A '''[[w:Nut (fruit)|nut]]''' is a fruit composed of a hard shell and a seed, which is generally edible. In botany, there is an additional requirement that the shell does not open to release the seed (indehiscent). In a general context, a wide variety of dried seeds are called nuts, and the translation of "nut" in certain languages frequently requires paraphrases, as the word is ambiguous. Most seeds come from fruits that naturally free themselves from the shell, unlike nuts such as hazelnuts, chestnuts, and acorns, which have hard shell walls and originate from a compound ovary. The general and original usage of the term is less restrictive, and many nuts, such as almonds, pecans, pistachios, walnuts, and Brazil nuts, are not nuts in a botanical sense. Common usage of the term often refers to any hard-walled, edible kernel as a nut. ==Quotes== * All true histories contain instruction; though, in some, the treasure may be hard to find, and when found, so trivial in quantity, that the dry, shrivelled kernel scarcely compensates for the trouble of cracking the nut. ** [[Anne Brontë]], in ''Agnes Grey'' (1847), Ch. I: The Parsonage. * The thievish jay<br/>Seeking her food, with ease might have purloined<br/>The auburn nut that held thee, swallowing down<br/>Thy yet close-folded latitude of boughs<br/>And all thine embryo vastness at a gulp.<br/>But fate thy growth decreed ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Yardley Oak'' (1791), line 18. * Nuts are like the pan fish of the forest, full of protein and especially fat—"poor man's meat." ** [[Robin Wall Kimmerer]], {{cite book |title={{w|Braiding Sweetgrass}}: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants |date=16 September 2013 |publisher=Milkweed Editions |isbn=978-1-57131-871-8 |page=13}} * That's the whole point of nuts: to provide the embryo with all that is needed to start a new life. ** [[Robin Wall Kimmerer]], {{cite book |title={{w|Braiding Sweetgrass}}: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants |date=16 September 2013 |publisher=Milkweed Editions |isbn=978-1-57131-871-8 |page=13}} [[File:Hazelnuts.jpg|thumb|right|]] * He shewed me a little thing, the quantity of an hazel-nut, in the palm of my hand; and it was as round as a ball. I looked thereupon with eye of my [[understanding]], and thought: ''What may this be?'' And it was answered generally thus: ''It is all that is made.'' I marvelled how it might last, for methought it might suddenly have fallen to naught for little. ** [[Julian of Norwich]], in ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (''c''.1393), Ch. 5. * The body was born and it will die. But for the soul there is no death. It is like the betel-nut. When the nut is ripe it does not stick to the shell. But when it is green it is difficult to separate it from the shell. After realizing God, one does not identify oneself any more with the body. Then one knows that body and soul are two different things. ** [[Ramakrishna]], ''The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna'' (1942), p. 319. * Sweet is the rose, but grows upon a brere;<br>Sweet is the juniper, but sharp his bough;<br>Sweet is the eglantine, but sticketh nere;<br>Sweet is the firbloome, but its braunches rough;<br>Sweet is the cypress, but its rynd is tough;<br>Sweet is the nut, but bitter is his pill;<br>Sweet is the broome-flowre, but yet sowre enough;<br>And sweet is moly, but his root is ill. ** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''Amoretti'', Sonnet XXVI. * The bodie bigge, and mightely pight,<br>Thoroughly rooted, and of wond'rous hight;<br>Whilome had bene the king of the field,<br>And mochell mast to the husband did yielde,<br>And with his nuts larded many swine. ** [[Edmund Spenser]], ''Shepheard's Callender'', "Februarie". * What does the good ship bear so well?<br>The cocoa-nut with its stony shell,<br>And the milky sap of its inner cell. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''The Palm-Tree''. ===Proverbs=== * ''Kawi pawh a kawm a ṭhat chuan a rah pawh a ṭha, a kawm a chhiat chuan a rah pawh a chhia.'' **Literal: If the shell of ''Kawi'' is good, the nut it bears is also good; if the shell is not good, the nut inside is also poor. (''Kawi'' is a large been-like seed or nut.) ** [[Mizo proverb]], reported in C. Saizawna, ''Pipute ṭawngkauchheh'' and M.D. Muthukumaraswamy, ''Folklore as a Discourse'', Univ. of Madras, Dept. of Anthropology, National Folklore Support Center (India). * ''If ye like the nut, crack it.'' ** Meaning: "Nothing is achieved without effort." ** [[Scots proverb]], reported in {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA121|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=121}}; {{cite book | last1 = Strauss | first = Emanuel | edition = Volume 2 | year = 1994 | title = Dictionary of European proverbs | chapter = 784 | volume = II | publisher = Routledge | page = 680 | pages = 2200 | isbn =0415096243}} * ''He that would eat the kernel must crack the nut.'' ** Meaning: "Nothing is achieved without effort." ** [[English proverb]], reported in {{cite book|author=Martin H. Manser|title=The Facts on File Dictionary of Proverbs|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=fgaUQc8NbTYC&pg=PA121|year=2007|publisher=Infobase Publishing|isbn=978-0-8160-6673-5|page=121}}; {{cite book|author=Caroline Ward|title=National Proverbs in the Principal Languages of Europe|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=3FEWAAAAYAAJ|year=1842|publisher=J.W. Parker|page=56}} ==See also== * [[Nut butter]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|nut}} {{Commons category|Nuts}} [[Category:Food and drink]] ls9jjv5u2bn9qijk4lgoqtva80y1mig 0 178728 3944643 3912916 2026-05-23T23:10:41Z ~2026-16350-98 3302200 3944643 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] | '''Film:''' [[Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===Josh Runs Into Oprah=== :''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]'' :'''Megan''': Ta-da. :'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake? :'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. (Lights the candle) There! :'''Josh''': Wow! This is really good! It’s full of poison, isn't it? :'''Megan''': No! :'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh?! Hot sauce, some kind of extreme laxative?! :'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon. I wouldn't let you eat a cake that made you sick on your birthday. :'''Josh''': I'm sorry. :'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish! :'''Josh''': All right! :''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake and it explodes and he turns around to Megan with cake pieces on his face]'' :'''Megan''': I didn't say it wouldn't explode. :'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' :''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' :'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my God! Oprah! Somebody call for help! :'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath. His skin is now intensely orange, as if from a bad tan.]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, man. :'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?! :'''Drake''': Hey... man? :'''Josh''': You left me at the hospital to be chemically bathed! :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go? :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!! :'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude? :'''Josh''': Do you know what it's like to get an involuntary chemical bath? It stings... ''EVERYWHERE''! :'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay? :'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress. You are never going to make up anything to me ever again. :'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun? :'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]'' ===Vicious Tiberius=== :'''Walter''': I'm gonna be here all night working out. :'''Drake''': ''[in the kitchen]'' Ha! :'''Walter''': ''[angrily]'' IT'S NOT FUNNY! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both get trapped in the bathroom after Tiberius attacks them]'' :'''Drake''': Did you see those teeth? :'''Josh''': Do you see the stain?! What's this dog's problem? :'''Drake''': Its problem is it wants to eat us, and we're in here. ''[Tiberius barks]'' Mrs. Hayfer asks you to watch her house, but doesn't mention her dog's homicidal. :'''Josh''': It's not on the list! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh found out that Walter did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]'' :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': No answer. :'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it-- :'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number. :'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]'' :'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it. :'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees! :'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore. :'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works. :'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE! :'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home? :'''Josh''': Who's that? :'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan. :'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh? :'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius! :'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive! :'''Josh''': Come on! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude! :'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to. :'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her! :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Josh''': Come on. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loudly whispers]'' Megan! Run! :'''Megan''': I don't wanna run. :'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious. :'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary. :''[Drake and Josh walk over to her]'' :'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm. :'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense. :'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago. :'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here? :'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't. :'''Josh''': We couldn't. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog. :'''Megan''': What're you talking about? :'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us. :'''Megan''': Really? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh. :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya. ''[she leaves Mrs. Hayfer's house and makes Tiberius bark loud at Drake and Josh and trap the boys in the bathroom again much to her delight]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Animal control guy''': What, you've never seen a man widdling on a toilet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': So why do they call it New Jersey, if they've never even had a plain Old Jersey? :'''Josh''': I don't know. I wasn't at the meeting. Hey, turn it to channel 5. I'm going to go grab a drink. ''[he goes in the kitchen to grab a drink]'' :''[while a terrified Walter still gets chased by Tiberius, Josh grabs a drink from the kitchen]'' :'''Drake''': So is there an Old Hampshire? <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the end credits, Josh spills popcorn on Drake after he ignored his question]'' :'''Drake''': Right. :''[Josh eats popcorn off of Drake's body, while Drake grabs popcorn off himself, as he and Josh continue watching TV]'' ===The Wedding=== :''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]'' :'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine. :'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you. :'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old. :'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old. :'''Josh''': She's not nice! :'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[moves closer to the screen]'' Mean to the ''bone''! :'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine. :'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well! :'''Josh''': Oh, and get this. :'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married! :'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old? :'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do. :'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya? :'''Drake''': Totally. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Craig''': Who's getting married? :'''Drake''': ''[disgruntled]'' Our Great Aunt Catherine. :'''Eric''': Isn't she like 87? :'''Drake''': 89. But she's got this insane beach house in Laguna Niguel, so it's majorly important that she loves us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Can we just go? :'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry? :'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad. :'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I. :'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake. :'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric. :'''Josh''': You-you what?! :'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my laptop, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car! :'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back. :'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': [[Drake & Josh/Season 3#The Demonator|'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it]], and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores! :'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores. :'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding! :'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor! :'''Josh''': What about Trevor? :'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car. :'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it. :'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now. :'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross. :'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine. :'''Josh''': Drake, if we-- :'''Drake''': Dude, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Trevor's old car breaks down]'' :'''Drake''': It won't start. :'''Josh''': Oh, really? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Look, maybe I can fix the motor. :'''Josh''': You can't fix a sandwich! :'''Drake''': If you make fun of me one more time, I'm gonna tell everyone we know that you named your favorite pillow Mr. Puff Puff. :'''Josh''': Sorry if I offended you. <hr width=50%> :''[a cop car drives up behind Trevor's car and two cops get out of their car]'' :'''Officer Brenner''': Looks like somebody parked here illegally. :'''Officer Norkin''': I'll write 'em a ticket. :'''Officer Brenner''': How come I've never met your wife? :'''Officer Norkin''': Huh? :'''Officer Brenner''': You know, we've been working together for like 3 years now, and I just think it's weird that you never let me meet your wife. :'''Officer Norkin''': Oh, well, um... she's just uh, she's just shy. :'''Officer Brenner''': You're not really married, are ya? :'''Officer Norkin''': What? :''[Officer Brenner shrugs questioningly]'' :'''Officer Norkin''': Of course I am! You can't just pretend to be married and not have a wife. I mean, come on. What're you talking about? :'''Officer Brenner''': Let me meet her. :'''Officer Norkin''': Alright, alright. I'm not married. There's no Marissa. :'''Officer Brenner''': You made up Marissa? :'''Officer Norkin''': Well, no. There was a Marissa in the 9th grade. I asked her to the school dance, and she just... she just laughed at me. :'''Officer Brenner''': It's okay, buddy. I understand. :'''Officer Norkin''': I feel so dumb. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a Hummer parks in front of Drake and Josh and two male strangers get out of it]'' :'''Drake''': Hey. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much for stopping. :'''Spencer''': No problem. :'''Ryan''': Where are you guys headed? :'''Josh''': To our Aunt Catherine's wedding. :'''Drake''': But we gotta be there in less than half an hour. :'''Josh''': Yeah, with that cake. :'''Drake''': We're in big trouble. :'''Spencer''': Well, did you call for help? :'''Josh''': No, we don't have cell phones. :'''Drake''': But if you drive us to the nearest payphone, we'll give you 75 bucks. :'''Josh''': Oh, hold on. ''[checks his wallet]'' I've got... ''[takes out a dollar bill]'' an extra 40! :'''Drake''': Alright, that's almost 100 bucks! :''[silence]'' :'''Josh''': Will you please drive us? :'''Spencer''': Wait a minute, so... you guys are stranded out here. :'''Ryan''': Flagging down strangers. :'''Spencer''': And you got no cell phones. :'''Ryan''': And it's just the two of you. :'''Spencer''': Alone. :'''Drake and Josh''': Right. :''[Ryan and Spencer push Drake and Josh to the ground and take their wallets away from them as they drive off right away leaving Drake and Josh stranded in the middle of the road]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Drake notices the name tag on Leslie's uniform]'' :'''Drake''': Leslie's Towing Company, huh? :'''Leslie''': Yeah. Been in the towing business for 23 years. :'''Drake''': So, who's Leslie, your wife? :'''Leslie''': No. Leslie's my name. ''[Drake laughs about what Leslie said]'' Something funny about that? :'''Drake''': Well, yeah, I mean, Leslie's a girl's name. :'''Leslie''': Oh, is that what you think? :'''Josh''': Uh, what my brother meant to say was, we don't think Leslie's a girl's name. We think it's a guy's name, dude. A man's name, ''[imitates Leslie]'' a very man's name. Grr. :'''Drake''': No, it's not. Leslie's totally-- :'''Josh''': Silence! :'''Leslie''': ''[to Drake]'' Listen, boy. I was named after my father, he was named after his father, and they both fought in wars. :'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is I've dated like five Leslies. All girls. :'''Leslie''': Okay, uh, you know, I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye. :'''Josh''': No. No, no, no, please, wait, don't leave! :'''Leslie''': ''[without turning around]'' ROT IN A SACK! :''[drives away as Josh turns to Drake]'' :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' You had to make fun of the man's name?! ===Mindy Loves Josh=== :'''Josh''': What do you want? :'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing your bike. :'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey! :'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should call the police. :'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike. :'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing. :'''Megan''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': What are you eating? :'''Drake''': Big cookie. :'''Megan''': That was ''my'' big cookie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Mindy just told me she loves me! :'''Drake''': ''[accidentally hits him]'' '''''WHAT?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… ''[Drake runs in, panicked by his green hands after Megan sprayed them]'' :'''Drake''': JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! :'''Josh''': What's wrong, what happened? ''[Drake shows him his green hands]'' WHOA!!!!! W-Why are your hands green!? :'''Drake''': I-I dunno! I woke up, went to the bathroom, and my hands were green! :'''Josh''': Well, did ya try washin' 'em!? :'''Drake''': Yeah, for 10 minutes, man! I even used soap. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]'' :'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door! :'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on? :'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad? :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Drake''': Well, I have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis. :'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay? :'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee. :'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie. :'''Drake''': What are you saying? :'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying. :'''Drake''': Megan! :'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip. :''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Wait! :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': Is it gone? :''[Megan leaves the room]'' ===Who's Got Game?=== :'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something? :'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it. :'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at "The Phyton". :'''Drake''': No way, I was there. :'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening. :'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me! :'''Carly''': I was kidding. :'''Drake''': Me, too. :'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up. :'''Drake''': Okay. :''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': You have bad taste in music! And you, your head's shaped like a lemon! And you, you smell weird. :'''Man''': The city shut off my water. <hr width50%> :'''Carly''': Ok, that was pathetic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed. :'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one. :'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win. :'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]'' ===The Great Doheny=== :'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinkel cut fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]'' :'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician? :'''Henry''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]'' Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me. :'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny! :'''Henry''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose. :'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her? :'''Henry''': I insist! :'''Megan''': Thanks! You’re so cute. ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]'' :'''Henry''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card! :'''Drake''': Fine. ''[picks a card]'' Now what? :'''Henry''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]'' Very good. :'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' So what's my card? :'''Henry''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Now, open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card? :'''Drake''': Yeah. But could you do me a favor and not make things come outta my body? <hr width=50%> :'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald! <hr width=50%> :'''Henry''': Henry Dohney is back from the dead! <hr width=50%> :''[during the end credits, Walter asks Henry to give him his hair back]'' :'''Henry''': Of course, Walter. Eyes closed. :''[as Walter gets ready to have his hair back, Henry leaves right away leaving Walter bald]'' :'''Walter''': Where'd he go? :'''Drake''': Vegas. :'''Walter''': Mr. Doheny, what about my hair?! :'''Henry''': ''[offscreen]'' Buy a wig! ''[he laughs mockingly as he leaves to Las Vegas]'' ===I Love Sushi=== :'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room. :'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. :'''Josh''': Um, we really hope we win this makeover. :'''Drake''': But not for us. :'''Josh''': For our parents. :'''Drake''': We call them, "Mom and Dad". :'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost 5 years ago. :'''Drake''': I am still in shock. :'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their 5th anniversary. :'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock. :'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy. :'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us. :'''Josh''': Eh, our parents. :'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please. :'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh answer the door and discover that Tyler bought nachos for them]'' :'''Tyler''': Hot nachos for Drake and Josh. :'''Josh''': But we didn't order. :'''Drake''': Yeah. It's about time our nachos got here. :'''Josh''': But we didn't order. :'''Drake''': ''[tells Josh to hush]'' Free nachos. I'll take those. Josh, take the nacho boy. :'''Josh''': Do you have change for 5? :'''Tyler''': No, sir. ''[he leaves]'' :'''Josh''': ''[while Drake is eating nachos]'' We didn't order those. :'''Drake''': Dude, when life hands you free nachos, you don't question it! :'''Josh''': I'm just worried about- ''[starts eating nachos with Drake]'' Oh, my god. These are good nachos. :'''Drake''': I know. Seriously. :'''Josh''': These are the best nachos in the world. :'''Drake''': They're made with, like 5 different kinds of cheeses. :'''Josh''': What you say? As long as nobody sees us? :'''Drake''': ''[muffled]'' It's getting hard for me to swallow. :'''Josh''': ''[muffled]'' Something's wrong with these nachos! :''[when Megan gets too busy to prank Drake and Josh, she hires a young boy named Tyler to help her when the two come out of the kitchen]'' :'''Megan''': Awesome. Great, great work. :'''Tyler''': You really think so? :'''Josh''': ''[muffled]'' Megan, who is this? Go get over there. :'''Megan''': Drake, Josh, I'd like you to meet My new assistant, Tyler. Tyler, you know the boobs. :'''Tyler''': Boobs. :''[Drake and Josh muffles]'' :'''Megan''': I'll explain. See, like I told you, I've been really busy lately, so I don't have time to harass you guys as much as I'd like to, which is why I hired Tyler as my assistant. To help make your lives as miserable as possible. He made the nachos. :'''Tyler''': ''[satisfied]'' I used a special sticky cheese! :'''Drake''': ''[muffled]'' Sticky cheese? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Tyler, come upstairs with me. We'll make a schedule for the rest of the week. :'''Tyler''': Yes, ma'am. :''[as Tyler goes upstairs with Megan, Drake and Josh stay behind leaving their mouths muffled]'' :'''Drake''': ''[as he answers the phone; muffled]'' Hello? No, no don't, hello. No, I know. I have my mouth. You talk to him. ''[gives the phone to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[muffled]'' Hello? Who is it? :'''Drake''': ''[muffled]'' Who is it? Hello? :''[after the phone was hung up, Drake and Josh get angry as the two head upstairs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes. :'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside? :'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys? :'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city. :'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery. :'''Walter''': Drake? :'''Audrey''': Josh! :'''Walter''': Where's our stuff? :'''Josh''': We've been robbed! :'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise! :''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tyler pops his head from the kitchen and throws an egg at Sergeant Doty's back thinking that Drake and Josh did it]'' :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[angrily]'' HEY! ''[walks up to Drake and Josh]'' DO YOU THINK EGGS ARE FUNNY? Do you know I can arrest you two for assaulting a police officer? :'''Drake''': We didn't throw an egg at you. :'''Josh''': We don't have any eggs on us. :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[picks up the egg tray that Tyler left from the counter]'' Then whose are these? The egg fairies? :'''Josh''': We don't even know where those came from. :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[satisfied]'' 50 pushups. :'''Josh''': But you can't make us do- :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[angrily]'' '''PUSHUPS!''' :''[Drake and Josh are forced to 50 pushups by Sergeant Doty while the police officer, Sergeant Doty, Megan and Tyler are satisfied much to their satisfaction]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': Oh! :'''Drake''': 1. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 2. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 3. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 4. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 5. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 6. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 7. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 8. 9. <hr width=50%/> :''[Drake and Josh both have an interview]'' :'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want? :'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs? :'''Mr. Nadel''': So? :'''Josh''': And we'd like one. :'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date. :'''Drake''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Yeah, well good luck with that. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills? :'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls. :'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was voted most polite child- :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo? :'''Drake''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Wow, they all sound so wonderful. :'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date. :'''Josh''': You already said that. :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! :'''Drake''': We just want jobs. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. That glamorous enough for you? :'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do? :'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each. :'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00. :'''Drake:''' 8:00? :'''Josh''': We'll be there. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah. :''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]'' :'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else... :''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]'' :'''Josh''': The Furniture's back! :'''Drake''': We did it! :'''Josh''': We didn't do anything! :'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys. :'''Walter''': Surprised? :'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back? :'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van. :'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street. :'''Drake''': And they found everything? :'''Walter''': Yep. :'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi? :'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story. :'''Josh''': Uh see we... :'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end, Drake and Josh are stuck hanging on a net by Megan and revealed that she fired Tyler]'' :'''Josh''': Hello? Hello? Hello? :'''Drake''': Hey. :'''Josh''': We're in the net. Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Well, I'll tell you what's going on? It's that Tyler kid, Megan's assistant. :'''Megan''': ''[after she went out of the kitchen]'' Hey, boobs. How's it hanging? :'''Josh''': Hey, tell your friend Tyler to cut us down! :'''Megan''': Tyler didn't do this. I did. I fired Tyler. :'''Drake''': Why? I thought you were too busy to prank us. :'''Megan''': Yeah, but letting somebody else make your lives miserable, doesn't give me that same warm feeling I get from doing it myself, so I'll make time. Later. ''[leaves]'' :'''Josh''': Hey. Megan, wait. :'''Drake''': Hey, can you at least get us down from here? :'''Megan''': Sure. ''[presses the button to let Drake and Josh down]'' :'''Drake''': ''[laying on the floor]'' Thank you. :'''Josh''': ''[laying on the floor]'' Good night. ===The Storm=== :''[after Drake and his band rehearse for their concert]'' :'''Julio''': Pretty tight. :'''Gary''': Yep. :'''Drake''': Uh, no. We were not tight, alright? That was loose. We were weak. :'''Gary''': Oh, come on, man. :'''Julio''': What's the problem? :'''Drake''': The problem? Man, you were two beats behind the whole song. ''[to the other guitarist]'' You were playing an A minor, not an A7. ''[to Gary]'' And you? Dude, you're wearing a woman's shirt. :'''Gary''': It's called a blouse. ''[Drake looks at him with a questioning look]'' It's my sister's, okay? All my clothes were dirty. :'''Drake''': Well, why would you wear your sister's clothes? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy, one of his ex-girlfriends]'' :'''Eric''': Ow. :'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend? :'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the guest list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends. :'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? :''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' :'''Eric''': Ow! :'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here? :'''Eric''': Just those two, I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Hey, I'm a professional weatherman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh. :'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert? :'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater. :'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat! :'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and ''sail off to moron island?'' <hr width=“50%”> :'''Crazy Steve''': C'MON, DORA!!! ===My Dinner with Bobo=== :''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]'' :'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one! :'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize? :'''Josh''': Let's. :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No! :'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car. :'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one. :'''Megan''': Don't push me. :'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car. :'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man. :'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same. :'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man! :'''Drake''': Who also sells trucks and vans. :'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me. :'''Josh''': I'm sorry. :'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]'' :'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too! :'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome. :'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math. :'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle? :'''Drake''': About $2400. :'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind? :'''Josh''': Something safe. :'''Drake''': Something fast. :'''Josh''': Gets good mileage. :'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio. :'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice. :'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh? :'''Josh''': I get cold down there. :'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems. :'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is. :'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford? :'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there! :'''Josh''': Alright. :'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]'' :'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems? :'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]'' :'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in. :'''Drake''': We are in. :'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back. :'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends. :'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off. :'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo. :'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure? :'''Drake''': Yes. :'''Josh''': Absolutely. :'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him. :'''Josh''': Back of the closet? :'''Dr. Favershim''': Good. :'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him. :'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here? :'''Josh''': Perhaps. :'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he? :''[ Dr. Favershim locks Drake and Josh in the closet so he can eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]'' :'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops! :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here! :'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do, too! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How? :'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone. :''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]'' :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth? :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth? :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude, it has Bluetooth. :'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Then, open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man! :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth! :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]'' :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow! :''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' ===Tree House=== :'''Delivery Guy''': Package for Josh Nichols. ''[hands package to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thanks! Have a good day! :'''Delivery Guy''': ''[rudely]'' Don't tell me what to do. <hr width=50%> :'''Greg''': ''[while putting out the fire on Robbie's treehouse after Drake and Josh burned it]'' Well, fire's out! :'''Walter''': Greg, I am so sorry our kids burned down your son's treehouse. :'''Josh''': Yeah, I feel awful. :'''Drake''': Yeah, if only Josh wouldn't have put that restrictor plate on first... ''[Josh shoots him a look]'' :'''Greg''': Well, it's alright. I'm just a little worried about how Robbie will react, see he can a little... :'''Robbie''': ''[off-screen]'' Daddy? :'''Greg''': Oh no. No, I didn't want it to be like... :'''Robbie''': ''[walks up to Greg]'' Daddy? ''[turns to the remains of his treehouse, dropping his toy truck in shock]'' What happened to my treehouse?! :'''Greg''': Son, ''[kneels down to Robbie's level]'' Drake and Josh shot it with a rocket and burned it down. :''[Robbie turns to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Well, you see, Robbie... :''[Robbie unleashes a high-pitched cry that causes the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and his cry lasts about 10 seconds before Robbie stops]'' :'''Drake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Well, that was pleasant! :'''Robbie''': Why? Why would you do this to me? :'''Drake''': We didn't mean to. :'''Robbie''': That treehouse was the only place I could cry in private! :'''Audrey''': Oh, it's okay, Robbie! I'll tell you what, Drake and Josh, are gonna build you a brand new treehouse! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Wait, what? :'''Walter''': You heard her! :'''Greg''': Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Can you boys rebuild it, tomorrow? :'''Josh''': Wait, tomorrow? :'''Drake''': Tomorrow?! :'''Josh''': We can't, we have plans. :'''Audrey''': Of course, they can. :'''Josh''': But we have dates, tomorrow! :'''Drake''': With hot twins! :'''Walter''': Tough squash. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Squash? :'''Josh''': I don't know, he says things... :'''Audrey''': ''[to her children]'' You can go on your dates, after the ''three'' of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse! :'''Megan''': Whoa, whoa! By the "three of us", I hope you mean Drake, Josh, and Josh's imaginary friend! :'''Josh''': Hey! :'''Megan''': Mom... :'''Walter''': Drake and Josh said you were helping them with a rocket when it flew through the window. :'''Drake''': She was. :'''Audrey''': So, you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow. :'''Megan''': But I'll miss Jeannie's birthday party! ''[turns to her brothers, venomously whispering]'' Tell them it wasn't my fault! :'''Drake''': ''[mockingly]'' Sorry! :'''Josh''': Too bad, little girl! :'''Walter''': Now boys, Megan, ''[angrily whispers]'' why don't you tell Robbie you're sorry? :'''Drake, Josh, and Megan''': We're sorry. :'''Robbie''': It's okay. :'''Greg''': ''[ruffles Robbie's hair]'' Atta boy! :'''Josh''': Hey, hey, maybe you can cheer yourself up by playing with your cool red truck, here. Come on, try it, dude! :'''Robbie''': I'll try. :''[Robbie turns on his truck, and drives it into the remains of the treehouse, a charred piece of wood falls onto the truck, splitting it half and Robbie proceeds to scream and cry again, causing the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and retreat back to their house]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[while working on Robbie's new treehouse]'' You know, you two could help me. :'''Drake''': I've been helping since 7 am. Now, I'm relaxing. ''[to Megan]'' Hey, pour me some more lemonade, would you? ''[Megan walks over and refills Drake's cup of lemonade, then uses it to splash his face]'' What was that for?! :'''Megan''': For making me miss Jeannie's birthday party! :'''Drake''': ''[smugly]'' Yeah well, it looks like me and Josh got you this time, doesn't it? ''[stops Megan as she walks towards the power saw]'' Don't touch the power saw! :'''Josh''': Megan, just go get me some more screws from the garage. :'''Megan''': You guys make me sick, maybe I'd better check into "St. Illness". ''[rolls her eyes as she walks to the garage]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse while they're trying to rebuild it]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Drake…? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the door hole? :'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker. :'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw! :'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna! :'''Josh''': Oh, really? :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': So go get the power saw. :'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' Oh, do ya?! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': Cone! :'''Drake''': Whatever! <hr width=50%"/> :''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]'' :'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob. :'''Drake''': Where you've been? :'''Megan''': I told you I was going to get a snow cone. :'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here? :'''Megan''': Let me think, no! :'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those 2 hot identical twins, I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw! :'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here? :'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out! :'''Drake''': Do it brother! :'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realizes it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse. :'''Drake''': Why'd it stop? :'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN! :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? <hr width=50%> :''[while Megan is grilling burgers on the grill]'' :'''Josh''': Hey. Hey, you forgot one thing, Megan. :'''Megan''': No. ''[holds up a pack of buns]'' I got buns right here. :'''Josh''': I meant we're gonna tell Mom and Dad, and then you're gonna be in huge trouble. :'''Megan''': Well, you're gonna have to wait, 'cause Mom and Dad went out to have dinner and see a movie with the Schneiders. :'''Josh''': Stupid Schneiders. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': ''[answers the door, revealing Craig and Eric each holding model rockets]'' What? :'''Eric:''' Hey, we heard Josh got the Skybuster 5000 model rocket! :'''Craig''': We gotta see it! :'''Eric''': And we want to show him ours! ''[excitedly shows off his model rocket, including Craig]'' :'''Megan''': What is wrong with you two? ''[hears the phone ring]'' I'll be right back. ''[goes to answer it]'' :'''Eric''': Oh, can we come in? :'''Megan''': No! ''[answers the phone]'' Hello? :''[scene changes to the Premiere, revealing to be Drake and Josh's twin dates]'' :'''Twin 1''': Hey, are Drake and Josh there? :'''Megan''': Nope, sorry. :'''Twin 2''': Well, they were supposed to meet my sister and I here 45 minutes ago. :'''Megan''': Well, I'm sure if they cared about you at all, they'd be there. :'''Twins''': Huh? :'''Megan''': Um, actually? ''[looks back at Craig and Eric]'' Drake and Josh moved to Canada. :'''Twins''': Canada? :'''Megan''': But they felt bad about missing your date, so they're sending another couple of guys over to meet you. :'''Twins''': Okay? :'''Megan''': ''[hangs up and goes to the door]'' Alright, do you two want to spend your Saturday night playing with model rockets? Or would you rather be on a date with two hot girls? :'''Craig''': Hot girls? :'''Megan''': Twins. :'''Eric''': Twins? ''[laughs with Craig]'' :'''Megan''': Have fun. ''[closes the door]'' :'''Craig''': Wait, wait! ''[taps the door with Eric]'' :'''Megan''': ''[opens the door]'' What? :'''Eric''': Where do we go? :'''Megan''': The Premiere! ''[slams the door]'' :'''Craig''': W-wait! ''[looks at Eric, as the two rush to the Premiere]'' <hr width=50%> :''[at the Premiere, Craig, Eric, and the twin girls are sitting and laughing together]'' :'''Eric''': So our friend, Hender comes in and says, "Hey, I thought this was a cafeteria, not a rocketeria!" ''[The group laughs again]'' True story! :'''Craig''': ''[raises hand]'' I'm a witness! :'''Twin 1''': Wow, you guys are so fun! :'''Twin 2''': Totally! :'''Twin 1''': You mind getting us a couple more sodas? :'''Craig''': Sure, be glad to. ''[grabs Twin 2's cup]'' :'''Eric''': We'll be right back. ''[grabs Twin 1's cup]'' :''[The two get up and walk towards the soda fountain, as the twins watch them]'' :'''Twin 1''': Let's get outta here! :'''Twin 2''': Run! :''[Both twins flee the Premiere before Craig and Eric can return]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': 1, 2, hit it! ===Josh is Done=== :'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong! :'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping. :'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong? :'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, Young Szechwan. Your pong is no match for my ping! :'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh's horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency! :'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me! :'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game. :'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle! :'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec. :'''Josh''': We can't be late for this- :'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]'' :'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book and reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Roland starts his class]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Alright, class, close your books, put all materials underneath your desk. Drake, stop kissing Kat. Your exam is about to begin. You will have exactly 55 minutes to complete your- :'''Josh''': ''[all sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LET ME IN!! I'M SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. :'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- :'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcome in my class. :'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? :'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! :'''Josh''': ''[very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU! :'''Drake''': ''[defensively]'' What? :'''Josh''': ''[yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! :'''Josh''': But I- :'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! :'''Josh''': I just- :'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! :'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil. :'''Josh''': ''[sobbing]'' I work so hard! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3. :'''Josh''': ''[sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them! :'''Josh''': ''[sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred… :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence is golden. :'''Josh''': ''[freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake gets home after the exam, (which he failed most likely), and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together. Josh is instead smiling]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, Josh. What goes on? :'''Josh''': ''[strangely happy]'' Just readin' my book. :'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. :'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. :'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce! :'''Josh''': No, thanks. :'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? :'''Drake''': ''[sarcastically]'' No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' :'''Josh''': Can you please move? :'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Come On, dude, I said I was sorry. :'''Josh''': Yeah, I heard you. :'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me. :'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done. :'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore. :'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out? :'''Josh''': No, this is the house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' :'''Megan''': Whoa! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': You really did it this time. :'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. :'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. :'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- :'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A few days later at the Premiere, Josh, Craig, Eric, and Leah are hanging out laughing listening to a funny story from Eric and Craig]'' :'''Eric''': And so me and Craig are in the swimming pool, we're halfway through a game of Marco Polo. :'''Craig''': I look down and realize he still has his socks on! :''[Everyone laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' :'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Premiere]'' Hello, Josh. :'''Josh''': Hi, Drake. :'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty? :'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car! :'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas. :'''Drake''': You always fill up the car! :'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself. :'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING! :'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7. :'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' :'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? :'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. :'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. :'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? :'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. :'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. :'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? :''[pause]'' :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. :'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! :'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? :'''Leah, Steve, Eric, & Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. :'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! :'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[turns on the alarm]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' :'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the hot water stingingly washes off the chemicals]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? :'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down! :'''Drake''': No! :'''Mr. Roland''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry. :'''Josh''': Well-- :'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong. :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake? :'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir. :'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]'' :'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, Young Szechuan. :'''Drake''': Josh…. :'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Monguku. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh, smiling back, picks up his paddle]'' :'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak! :'''Josh''': Your foolishness, Young Szechuan, has sealed your fate! :'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They both play ping-pong ball together with kung-fu yells at every swing and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]'' ===Eric Punches Drake=== :'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry textbooks just arrived. They're in my classroom. :'''Mindy''': No way! :'''Josh''': Oh, come on! :'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream? :'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the woo-choo fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my God! :'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. :'''Craig''': Evenin'. :'''Josh''': Where's Eric? :'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. :'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? :'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. :'''Craig''': I'M Craig. :'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. <hr width =50%> :''[door bell rings]'' :'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! :'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? :'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts. :'''Drake''': You shebeast. :'''Mindy''': Microbrain. :'''Drake''': Weirdface. :'''Mindy''': Ignoramus. :'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What? :'''Mindy''': Exactly. :'''Chad''': Hey. :'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. :'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. :'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' :'''Drake''': JOSH! :'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance. :'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Mindy's here. :'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. :'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]'' :'''Josh''': Who's him? :'''Drake''': Her date. :'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. :'''Drake''': Yes, you do. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. :'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. :''[Drake sips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]'' :'''Drake''': Hello? :'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true. :'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. :'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. :'''Drake''': And what did you hear? :'''Boy''': That you were making fun of Eric's sister. :'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. :'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! ''[walks up to Eric]'' Eric?! <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. :'''Josh''': What? :'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. :'''Josh''': I AM angry. Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the dumpster]'' Hello. :'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig? :'''Craig''': Are you alone? :'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone. :'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind? :'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp? :'''Craig''': That's right. :'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend. :'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me. :'''Drake''': Rat's hat? :'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old. That I'm the one who dried his tears when his iguana got diabetes. That I-- :'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' Okay, Okay, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him. :'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Craig''': I love to sing. :'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And? :'''Craig''': And you're like a professional singer. :'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me? :'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time. :'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me. :'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist. :'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish. :'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight. :'''Drake''': Okay... :'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you. :'''Drake''': Uh-huh. :'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me. And don't forget our song. :'''Drake''': I won't forget the song. :'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing. :''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what? You know what? Enough with the cards, alright? I got big problems. :'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing? :'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head! :'''Josh''': You don't want to do that. ''[grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason. :'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you, alright? It's just gonna make you look worse. You're gonna have handle these things maturely. :'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy? :'''Josh''': DIFFERENT! ''[crosses his arms]'' :'''Drake''': It's not different? :'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage. OUTRAGE! :'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't? :'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]'' :'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why? :''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale? :'''Josh''': ''[insanely mad]'' Oh, you want some ginger ale, do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale. Oh, no! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad, why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth, so Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!! ===Megan's Revenge=== :''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]'' :'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out. :'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face. :'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here. :'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him. :'''Drake''': Well, hurry. :'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. :''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]'' :'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead. :'''Josh''': I think he really is dead! :'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us! :'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it? :'''Drake''': I don't know you watch o.r.! Fix him. :'''Josh''': Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone. :'''Drake''': Just give him CPR! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Oh Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' Stay with me buddy, stay with me! :'''Drake''': Okay. :'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it! :'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' :'''Josh''': ''[Grabs Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE! :'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us! :'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand. :'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON! :'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! :''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his cage and spins his running wheel as they leave Megan's room fast]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': She got us, by not getting us. :'''Josh''': Genius. <hr width=50%> :''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]'' :'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned him. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN! ===Steered Straight=== :'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21. :'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori! :'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this? :'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex? :'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up. :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori? :'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure... :'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs! :'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it! :'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS! <hr width=50%/> :'''Blaze''': What's this? :'''Josh''': That's a grapefruit. :'''Blaze''': ''[eats the grapefruit]'' It's a little sour. Good thing I always carry around a little sugar with me. ''[puts sugar on the grapefruit]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after Blaze has gone]'' :'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs? :'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home. :'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back. :'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right. :'''Josh''': Okay. :'''Drake''': Uh... :'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork. :'''Drake''': Okay. :'''Josh''': Teamwork. :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Josh''': To the left. :'''Drake''': Ow! :'''Josh''': To the-- :'''Drake''': Grab it. :'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking. :'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man. :'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work. :'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose. :'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there. :'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number. :'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. :''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]'' :'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm. :'''Josh''': It is allergy season. <hr width=50%> :'''Blaze''': What was that? :'''Criminal #1''': It sounded like a car door. :'''Criminal #2''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. :'''Drake and Josh''': Dad. ===Megan's First Kiss=== :'''Josh''': ''[after tapping a jar of pickles with a knife and glass goes everywhere]'' Thanks for the tip, dad! :'''Drake''': Josh! Josh! ''[trips on the glass]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night? :'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome. :'''Josh''': Why? :'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets. :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night? :'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing. :'''Drake''': But you just asked us. :'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves their room smiling smugily]'' :'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is! :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody. :'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans. :'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that. :'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them! :'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises. :'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. :'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign. :'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something? :'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin' to ya, how are ya? Potata! :'''Helen''': Potato? :'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac. :'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush! :'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! :'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin' that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Drake! Drake! Wait until you hear this! ''[crashes into door and then recovers, walking in]'' You are not gonna believe this! Whoa, man! You are not gonna believe this! :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer died?! :'''Josh''': No! Corey has a girlfriend! :'''Drake''': Yeah, I know. He's with Megan. That's why we gave him our pants. :'''Josh''': ''Another'' girlfriend. :'''Drake''': What?! :'''Josh''': You heard my words! That Corey's a little two-timing, girl-kissing, Japanese candy-giving jerk! :'''Drake''': What is so special about Japanese candy? :'''Josh''': Oh, it's a big deal. Now what are we gonna do about this? :'''Drake''': We're gonna tell Megan. That's what we're gonna do. :'''Josh''': No! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': We can't go to Megan with this. :'''Drake''': We could if you'd let go of my shirt! :'''Josh''': Look, if we tell Megan, she's gonna think we're making it up. She's gonna think we're lying just to keep her from dating Corey. :'''Drake''': Oh, man. You're probably right. So what are we gonna do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lady''': That's them, those 2 men from Ireland! :'''Helen''': Stop the film! :'''Crazy Steve''': WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!?! :'''Corey''': These 2 freaks just tried to steal my popcorn and then sat on my girlfriend! :'''Drake''': Ah, she's too young to be havin' a boyfriend! :'''Josh''': She's just a wee-er! :'''Drake''': Wee! :'''Megan''': Wait a minute... ''[rips off their fake beards]'' What are you boobs doing here?! :'''Corey''': Who are they? :'''Megan''': My idiot brothers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': ''[happily kisses Drake and Josh's cheeks]'' I love you guys. :'''Drake''': ''[injured]'' Dude, you're crying. :'''Josh''': ''[injured]'' He kicked me in the throat. ===The Battle of Panthatar=== :''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask the viewers random questions]'' :'''Drake''': ''(happily)'' Hello, what's your name? :'''Josh''': ''(happily)'' Hi! Who are you? :'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat? :'''Josh''': What games do you like to play? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''(happily)'' Me, too! :'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me? :'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend? ''(Smiles creepily)'' :'''Drake''': Aw, thank you! :'''Josh''': ''(offended)'' What is that supposed to mean? :'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say! :'''Josh''': ''(outraged)'' What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go get your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you! :'''Drake''': A present? For me? :'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say! :'''Drake''': ''[holding a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy! :'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[offscreen boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye! :'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite! :'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh! <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': I'm so mad! :'''Josh''': Yes, I can tell by your violent banana-chewing. <hr width=50%> :'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? <hr width=50%> :'''Thronton''': ''[finds Maria and Drake kissing each other; enraged]'' MARIA!!! :'''Maria''': Thronton! :'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? :'''Thronton''': What are you doing, Parker!? :'''Drake''': Kissin' a girl, what are you doin'? :'''Thronton''': You were kissing my girlfriend! :'''Drake''': Oh, ya know, that reminds me of a funny story- :'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? :'''Maria''': I'm sorry! He's just an awesome kisser. :'''Josh''': Ah, no, he's not, no, he's not! Thronton, you're way better! Kiss 'em, kiss 'em right now! :'''Thronton''': Not a chance! We are ''over!'' :'''Drake''': Aw, c'mon, Thronton! :'''Thronton''': And ''you'', you are uninvited to my birthday party! :'''Drake''': Wha- Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I didn't know she was your girlfriend! :'''Josh''': Yeah, he didn't know she was your girlfriend! :'''Thronton''': ''You, too!'' Uninvited! :'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' AUGH! THAT'S NOT FAIR! :'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. :'''Lady''': ''[taps Steve's shoulder]'' Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? :'''Crazy Steve''': '''I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!''' :'''Thornton''': '''''UNINVITED!!!''''' ''[storms away]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Hey. :'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize? :'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized. :'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and? :'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs. :'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything? :'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton. :'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY! :'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us. :'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again. :'''Drake''': I tried. :'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan? :'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it. :'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album-- :'''Drake''': Absolutely not. :'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us. :'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself. :'''Josh''': Dude. :'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Can I bring a couple of guests? :'''Guard''': Sure. :'''Megan''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' No. <hr width=50%> :'''Thornton''': Hey, what are they doing here? They're not invited. :'''Guard''': Yes, sir. I was just telling them that. <hr width=50%> :'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here! :'''Drake''': ''(angrily)'' No! ''(Grabs a lightsaber prop)'' Not until I get my Beatles album back! <hr width=50%> :''[after giving Drake's Beatles album as a birthday present to Thornton, but being denied entry to his party, Drake glares at Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Will you quit looking at me like that?! :'''Drake''': No! I'm gonna continue looking at you like this for several more minutes. ''[Drake angrily widens his eyes and glares at Josh harder]'' ===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]=== <small>Note: This episode was an hour long.</small> :''[Drake and Josh reintroduce themselves from the pilot episode]'' :'''Drake''': My name's Drake Parker. :'''Josh''': I'm Josh Nichols. :'''Drake''': I should probably be doing my homework. :'''Josh''': I'm just doing a little homework here. :'''Drake''': You know there's an old song by the stones it you can't always get what you want. :'''Josh''': Drake always get what he wants. :'''Drake''': But I usually get what I want. :'''Josh''': I guess Drake's one of those guys who has a lucky star. :'''Drake''': Josh may think I'm a lucky one but I bet you things start going his way. The one thing that I can always count on. :'''Josh''': But one thing I know for sure. :'''Drake''': Whenever I hang out with Josh. :'''Josh''': Whenever I get mixed up with Drake. :'''Drake and Josh''': Things always turn out. :'''Drake''': Unusual. :'''Josh''': Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': There was no note! :'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': There was no note! :'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, she's here. :'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]'' :'''Drake''': Who's here? :'''Audrey''': Helen, with her grandmother. :''[Drake, Josh, and Megan groan]'' :'''Walter''': Hey! Can we have a better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] '' :'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?! :'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?! :'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what was I supposed to do? :'''Josh''': Maybe ring the bell again. :'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]'' :'''Megan''': What, are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny? :'''Helen''': Lula, that's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Ms. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]'' :'''Walter''': Walter! :'''Audrey''': And uh, what do we call you? :'''Lula''': Lula. Where's the bathroom? :'''Audrey''': Right there through that door. :'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]'' :'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? :'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]'' :'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week. :'''Walter''': She's not, she's staying in your room. :'''Megan''': What?! :'''Audrey''': You're gonna stay in the boys' room. :'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?! :'''Josh''': This is an outrage! :'''Drake''': Where are we gonna stay? :'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week. :'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible. :'''Walter''': It's not that bad. <hr width="50%"> :''[Alan Kirm plays his auto-tuned made version of Drake's song after tricking Josh into signing away creative rights, the boys are displeased]'' :'''Alan''': What do you think? :'''Josh''': Uh, well.... :'''Drake''': I hate it! :'''Alan''': ''[stops the song playing]'' You hate it? :'''Drake''': Yeah, that's not even my song. What'd you do to it? :'''Alan''': Uh, we just had our best mixers and producers work on it 6 days straight. It's great. :'''Josh''': But it's not the song you said you like. :'''Alan''': Yeah, it is. It's just been improved. :'''Drake''': No, it's been ruined! :'''Josh''': Drake... :'''Drake''': Look, don't "Drake" me! They can't do that to my song! :'''Alan''': Sure, we can. We have a signed contract that gives us complete creative control. :'''Drake''': Look, no, you don't! I didn't sign any contract. :'''Alan''': Your manager did. :'''Drake''': ''[turns to Josh, who realizes his mistake]'' You signed a contract? :'''Josh''': ''[meekly, feeling bad and nervous]'' Uh... :'''Alan''': We'll let you guys discuss this privately. :''[Alan and the others leave the room, while an enraged Drake gives a nervous Josh a bitter look]'' :'''Josh''': Don't be mad... :'''Drake''': ''[furious]'' OH, I AM WAY PAST MAD! :'''Josh''': I made a mistake. :'''Drake''': How could you sign away creative control of my song?! :'''Josh''': I was mesmerized by a giant shrimp! :'''Drake''': You didn't read the contract, did you? How could you sign a contract without reading it?! :'''Josh''': He said it was the standard stuff. :'''Drake''': OH my god! :'''Josh''': ''[stuttering]'' M-M-M-Maybe I can fix this, alright? I'll go talk to Alan as your manager. :'''Drake''': No, you won't! :'''Josh''': Look, maybe I could fix-- :'''Drake''': No, you're not my manager anymore, alright?! YOU'RE FIRED! I mean it! :''[Without another word, Josh sadly leaves the room, while Drake sits down and sulks]'' :'''Drake''': Man, I have a headache. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys sleep on the mattress; Drake wakes up to find himself hugging Josh's foot against his face. He yells, and Josh wakes up in alarm]'' :'''Josh''': Why are you screaming? :'''Drake''': 'Cause there was a big, hairy foot in my face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute. :'''Megan's Friends''': Eww! :''[Josh walks out of the room]'' :'''Molly''': Call me!! :'''Megan's Friends''': Eww! :''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Stupid big shrimp. This is all your fault! ''[take 1 shrimp in his mouth, and spits it out]'' ''Tell your friends!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home]'' :'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on. :'''Drake''': I don't care. :'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about 2 minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song. :'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof. :'''Josh''': Why? :'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs after to Drake]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Man, I don't understand. Why would they end up using my version of the song? :'''Josh''': Like you said, bro. Sometimes, when people play dirty, you gotta play dirty back! :'''Drake''': You put fruit flies in Alan Krim's car? :'''Josh''': Better! I switched the CDs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': ''[yells; panicked after crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! :'''Josh & Helen''': Crazy Steve!? :'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? :'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule crazy Steve to work on a Monday! :'''Helen''': Monday's his '''''bad''''' day! :'''Mindy''': Well, no-one TOLD me that! :'''Crazy Steve''': COCK-CA-DOODLE-DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Josh successfully calms crazy Steve down]'' :'''Mindy''': You handled that really well, better than I did. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nick Mateo''': Which 1 of you switched the song? :'''Drake''': ''[feeling bad for being angry and mean to Josh, shares the blame]'' I did. :'''Josh''': I did. :'''Drake''': We both did! Okay? :'''Alan''': Well, guess what. There's rules and laws about television broadcasting. We can turn you into the FCC for what you did! :'''Nick''': Yup, you guys could be in a lot of trouble. ''[smiles]'' But you're not. :'''Drake''': We're not? :'''Alan''': They're not? :'''Josh''': What are you? :'''Nick''': In the last 24 hours, we've over 30,000 emails and phone calls from fans wanting to buy your song. This morning, we made the song available on the Spin City Website. There were so many downloads, it crashed our server. Drake Parker, I think you're about to have yourself a #1 hit. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alan''': Okay, wait a second. These guys just totally scammed us, and you're gonna reward them for it? :'''Nick''': They ''had'' to scam us, 'cause you tried to ruined a very good song. Which is why you're fired! :'''Alan''': What!? ''[Drake and Josh smile]'' You can't fire me! Our wives play golf together. :'''Nick''': Your wife cheats. Now, get out! ''[Alan storms away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out... :'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe! :'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!''''' :'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. :'''Eric''': What did you do!? :'''Craig''': I just plugged in the 5-K! :'''Helen''': I'll PLUG IN YOUR 5-K!!! ''[grabs Craig's head]'' :'''Craig''': ''[screams]'' She's got my head! She's got my head! She's got my head! ''[others take Helen off of him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Alright, this song is for Helen and Buzz, and my manager, Josh Nichols. ''[rehires Josh as his manager]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[ending from The Amanda Show]'' :'''Drake''': I want the shrimp. :'''Josh''': I want it. :'''Drake''': ''[snatches the shrimp]'' ''I'' want it! ===Helicopter=== :'''Drake''': Uh, who is this guy? :'''Dave''': Who? :'''Josh''': ''You!'' :'''Dave''': I'm Dave. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': ''[giving a lesson on skydiving]'' First you're gonna squat. Then your gonna pray, then leap, ahhhh... :'''Drake''': Ahhhh? :'''Vince''': That's what you're gonna yell on the way down. :'''Drake''': Ahh. :'''Vince''': Ahhhh! :'''Drake''': Ahhhh! :'''Vince''': Then, touchdown. :'''Drake''': Touchdown. :'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. :'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. :'''Vince''': Oh, man. <hr width=50%/> :''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince after he was knocked unconscious by a fire extinguisher]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake. :'''Drake''': You're awake! :'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out? :'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. :'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on? :'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher. :'''Vince''': Oh. :'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher; Vince screams outside]'' :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': What are we gonna do? :'''Drake''': I'm gonna fly this helicopter, you've seen me play Helicopter Rescue. :'''Josh''': What? That's a video game. :'''Drake''': So? If I could land a military helicopter on the Empire State Building, rescue the princess while a giant lobster shoots rockets at me, I think I can land this thing on a freeway, alright? :'''Josh''': I won't argue with that logic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Control tower manager''': ''[over radio]'' Control Tower to Chopper 9065, Control Tower to Chopper 9065. :'''Drake''': 9065, that's us! :'''Josh''': Yes, yes! Grab the mike, grab the mic. :'''Drake''': ''[grabs hold of the mike]'' Uh, hello, hello, Control Tower, this is Chopper 9065. Help, help! Can you hear me? :'''Control tower manager''': ''[over radio]'' Yeah, yeah. Loud and clear. :'''Drake''': Look, we're 7,000 feet, we got no pilot, and I don't know how to land this thing! :'''Control tower manager''': ''[over radio]'' Alright, alright, alright. Tell me where you are. :'''Drake''': In a helicopter! :'''Control tower manager''': ''[over radio]'' I realize that, I need to get a bearing on your location. :'''Josh''': Look down, look down. :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, I see, uh... Uh, uh, a church, and the ocean to my left, uh... ''[the radio snaps off and the mike flies out of his hand]'' I see-- A RADIO :'''PLUMMETING TO EARTH?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': I'll call Mom and Dad. :'''Drake''': No! :'''Josh''': Why not?! :'''Drake''': Well, because if they know I'm up in this helicopter, I'm gonna get grounded. :'''Josh''': Okay, if we don't get help, we're gonna become ''PART'' of the ground!! :'''Drake''': Well, can't you call the fire department? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking they don't have a 7,000-foot LADDER! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': It's the fuel gauge! We're on E. :'''Josh''': Well, maybe E means extra fuel! TELL ME E MEANS EXTRA FUEL! :'''Drake''': E means empty, dude; we're out of fuel! :'''Josh''': AUUGGGHHH! ''[gets in praying position''] Dear Savior, I am sorry about the time I was 5 years old and stole that piece of bubblegum. I am sorry about the time I watched that pretty lady's laundry spin in the dryer at the laundromat. I'm sorry-- :'''Drake''': Will you stop that? We're gonna get out of this! :'''Josh''': HEY NOW, HEY NOW! DON'T DREAM '''IT'S OVER!!!''' :'''Drake''': Would you STOP IT?! :'''Josh''': What are you looking for? :'''Drake''': Uh! Hey! Parachute! :'''Josh''': Oh, a parachute. But, there's only one. :'''Drake''': Okay. I'll take it and bring back help. :'''Josh''': What? What kind of help are you gonna bring back, a dive team to locate my corpse? Okay, we'll jump together. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': ''[putting the parachute on]'' Yeah, okay? I'll put this on, you hold onto me, and we jump, alright? :'''Drake''': Uh... ''[looks down 7,000 feet to the ocean]'' :'''Josh''': Drake, you ready? :'''Drake''': Uh, no, no. I'm not jumping with you, Josh. :'''Josh''': Yeah, you are. :'''Drake''': No, I'm not. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Drake''': Look, just jump, okay? Go. :'''Josh''': What's wrong with you? :'''Drake''': I'm-- I'm afraid, alright? :'''Josh''': You were just about to jump out by yourself. :'''Drake''': I know, but then I looked down, saw how high we are, peed a little bit, and I ain't jumping, Josh! :'''Josh''': You're going, alright? :'''Drake''': No, I'm not. Look, look, we're on E, okay? Just jump out! :'''Josh''': Oh, I'm going, and you're coming with me! ''[hooks the parachute to one of Drake's straps, they scream and jump out of the helicopter all the way down the ocean as Josh pulls the cord of the parachute and it opens up]'' It opened! Ha-ha! :'''Drake''': You're touching my butt. :'''Josh''': Oh, sorry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Megan''': ''[while playing with dominos at home]'' Great present, Walter. ''[Drake and Josh come home and confront her]'' What? :'''Josh''': You hung up on us. :'''Drake''': When we were in a helicopter alone, running out of fuel. :'''Megan''': What's your point? :'''Josh''': We had to jump out. :'''Drake''': With one parachute. :'''Josh''': We barely made it. :'''Drake''': We had to swim 2 miles, :'''Josh''': Until we were rescued by a tuna boat. :'''Megan''': Did you bring me some tuna? :'''Josh''': Come over here! ''[Megan screams as Audrey and Walter come home]'' Come here! :'''Megan''': Mom, Walter, you're home, how nice. :'''Audrey''': Hi, baby. :'''Walter''': Hey, Megan. So how was the water park? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know, fun, wet. :'''Josh''': I had a churro. :''[Vince doorbells and angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house]'' :'''Drake''': I'll get it! :'''Josh''': I call knob! :''[Drake and Josh are shocked that Vince stopped by the house, much to their horror]'' :'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter. :'''Drake & Josh''': Wha-- Shh! :'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents. :'''Audrey''': Who is it? :'''Drake & Josh''': Uh-- :'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy. :''[Josh whistles]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you? :'''Vince''': Are you their father? :'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this? :'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A ''BILL''. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter. :'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!''''' :''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]'' :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded. :'''Josh''': But Dad-- :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, 2 weeks. :'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault! :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs. :'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir. :'''Drake''': Night. :'''Josh''': Night. :''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for 2 weeks as the episode ends]'' ===Dance Contest=== :'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party. :'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Mom, you're alive! <hr width=50%/> :'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines, shocked]'' Who is she? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Television show seasons]] [[Category:American television seasons]] l8lunkmjiem91nx2fu0qtwgqau5zlq5 3944644 3944643 2026-05-23T23:14:38Z ~2026-16350-98 3302200 3944644 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Drake & Josh/Season 1|1]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 2|2]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 3|3]] [[Drake & Josh/Season 4|4]] | [[Drake & Josh|Main]] | '''Film:''' [[Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh]] ---- '''''[[w:Drake & Josh|Drake & Josh]]''''' is an American television sitcom created by Dan Schneider for Nickelodeon. The series follows the lives of two teenage boys with opposite personalities, Drake Parker (Drake Bell) and Josh Nichols (Josh Peck), who are stepbrothers. ===Josh Runs Into Oprah=== :''[Megan opens up Josh's birthday cake]'' :'''Megan''': Ta-da. :'''Josh''': You made me a birthday cake? :'''Megan''': Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out pretty good. (Lights the candle) There! :'''Josh''': Wow! This is really good! It’s full of poison, isn't it? :'''Megan''': No! :'''Josh''': No, what then, huh, huh, huh?! Hot sauce, some kind of extreme laxative?! :'''Megan''': Oh, c'mon. I wouldn't let you eat a cake that made you sick on your birthday. :'''Josh''': I'm sorry. :'''Megan''': It's okay. Make a wish! :'''Josh''': All right! :''[Josh blows out the birthday candles from his cake and it explodes and he turns around to Megan with cake pieces on his face]'' :'''Megan''': I didn't say it wouldn't explode. :'''Josh''': I don't blame you so much for doing it, as I blame myself for not anticipating it. <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Hey, WATCH IT, WATCH IT!!! ''[Josh screams]'' :''[Oprah screams as they accidentally hit her and she jumps onto the front of their car and slides off, much to Josh's horror]'' :'''Woman''': OPRAH!!! Oh, my God! Oprah! Somebody call for help! :'''Josh''': I RAN OVER OPRAH!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Josh angrily comes home from the hospital after Drake pranked the whole hospital thinking Josh has a virus, which in return, causes him to get a chemical bath. His skin is now intensely orange, as if from a bad tan.]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, man. :'''Josh''': ''HEY, MAN''?! :'''Drake''': Hey... man? :'''Josh''': You left me at the hospital to be chemically bathed! :'''Drake''': Oh, yeah, how'd it go? :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, actually, it was quite soothing especially the part where they...OH, IT WAS HORRIBLE!! :'''Drake''': Kay, what up with the 'tude? :'''Josh''': Do you know what it's like to get an involuntary chemical bath? It stings... ''EVERYWHERE''! :'''Drake''': Alright, look. Tell you what, I'm going to make up to you, okay? :'''Josh''': No. Okay, no you're not, because that's when the badness happens. The only time you do anything nice to me is after you caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress. You are never going to make up anything to me ever again. :'''Drake''': Wait, do these sound okay to you? ''[Drake plays his Bongos for Josh to try to cheer him up, but Josh rips the taped up Bongos then leaves]'' Would you bring me the hot glue gun? :'''Josh''': NOT REALLY! ''[slams the door]'' ===Vicious Tiberius=== :'''Walter''': I'm gonna be here all night working out. :'''Drake''': ''[in the kitchen]'' Ha! :'''Walter''': ''[angrily]'' IT'S NOT FUNNY! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh both get trapped in the bathroom after Tiberius attacks them]'' :'''Drake''': Did you see those teeth? :'''Josh''': Do you see the stain?! What's this dog's problem? :'''Drake''': Its problem is it wants to eat us, and we're in here. ''[Tiberius barks]'' Mrs. Hayfer asks you to watch her house, but doesn't mention her dog's homicidal. :'''Josh''': It's not on the list! <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh found out that Walter did not answer the phone because he was working out at home singing]'' :'''Drake''': Well? :'''Josh''': No answer. :'''Drake''': You probably dialed the wrong number. Let me see it-- :'''Josh''': No, I think I know our own number. :'''Drake''': Dude, just let me try- ''[he and Josh both fight with Josh's phone and it lands in the toilet]'' Nice! ''[sees Josh's phone in the toilet]'' :'''Josh''': It's your fault. Go get it. :'''Drake''': I'm not putting my hand in there! That's where Mrs. Hayfer pees! :'''Josh''': Probably doesn't even work anymore. :'''Drake''': Yeah, well, let's see. ''[flushes Josh's phone away]'' It still works. :'''Josh''': I knew the toilet still worked, Drake. I MEANT MY PHONE! :'''Drake''': Oh, well, that's gone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Hello? Anybody home? :'''Josh''': Who's that? :'''Drake''': It sounds like Megan. :'''Megan''': ''[offscreen]'' Drake? Josh? :'''Josh''': That ''is'' Megan, Oh, no, she's outside with Tiberius! :'''Drake''': Oh, he'll eat her alive! :'''Josh''': Come on! ''[tries to open the door but Drake puts his foot on the door]'' Dude! :'''Drake''': ''[blocks the door]'' Well, just 'cause she gets eaten, doesn't mean we have to. :'''Josh''': That's our little sister out there, we've gotta help her! :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Josh''': Come on. ''[he and Drake come out of the bathroom and see Megan in the living room to reveal that Tiberius is behaving as he loudly whispers]'' Megan! Run! :'''Megan''': I don't wanna run. :'''Drake''': ''[loud whisper]'' But he's vicious. :'''Megan''': Yeah, he's real vicious. Ooh, down, boy. You're so scary. :''[Drake and Josh walk over to her]'' :'''Josh''': I don't get it. Well, he's all calm. :'''Drake''': Evil dog, evil girl. Makes perfect sense. :'''Megan''': Where have you two been? You were supposed to pick me up 2 hours ago. :'''Josh''': How'd you know we were here? :'''Megan''': Dad said you were stopping here and then picking me up, which you didn't. :'''Josh''': We couldn't. :'''Drake''': Yeah, we were trapped here by this demon dog. :'''Megan''': What're you talking about? :'''Josh''': When you're not around, he goes all berserk and tries to kill us. :'''Megan''': Really? :'''Drake and Josh''': Yeah/Uh-huh. :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied]'' See ya. ''[she leaves Mrs. Hayfer's house and makes Tiberius bark loud at Drake and Josh and trap the boys in the bathroom again much to her delight]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Animal control guy''': What, you've never seen a man widdling on a toilet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': So why do they call it New Jersey, if they've never even had a plain Old Jersey? :'''Josh''': I don't know. I wasn't at the meeting. Hey, turn it to channel 5. I'm going to go grab a drink. ''[he goes in the kitchen to grab a drink]'' :''[while a terrified Walter still gets chased by Tiberius, Josh grabs a drink from the kitchen]'' :'''Drake''': So is there an Old Hampshire? <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the end credits, Josh spills popcorn on Drake after he ignored his question]'' :'''Drake''': Right. :''[Josh eats popcorn off of Drake's body, while Drake grabs popcorn off himself, as he and Josh continue watching TV]'' ===The Wedding=== :''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh talk about how unpleasant their great aunt Catherine is and both are in agreement that she is quite unpleasant]'' :'''Josh''': So, me and Drake have this Great Aunt Catherine. :'''Drake''': Have you ever met my Great Aunt Catherine? No? Well, hey. Lucky you. :'''Josh''': She's almost 90 years old. :'''Drake''': She's like 90,000 years old. :'''Josh''': She's not nice! :'''Drake''': She is mean. ''[moves closer to the screen]'' Mean to the ''bone''! :'''Josh''': Something's not right about Aunt Catherine. :'''Drake''': She collects hair... from people she doesn't even know well! :'''Josh''': Oh, and get this. :'''Drake and Josh''': Aunt Catherine's getting married! :'''Josh''': I mean, who wants to get married at 89 years old? :'''Drake''': You know, Josh and I disagree on a lot of stuff, but I bet he hates Aunt Catherine just as much as I do. :'''Josh''': I wonder if Drake hates Aunt Catherine as much as I do. ''[turns to Drake]'' Do ya? :'''Drake''': Totally. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Craig''': Who's getting married? :'''Drake''': ''[disgruntled]'' Our Great Aunt Catherine. :'''Eric''': Isn't she like 87? :'''Drake''': 89. But she's got this insane beach house in Laguna Niguel, so it's majorly important that she loves us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Can we just go? :'''Josh''': Why are you in such a hurry? :'''Drake''': 'Cause I want Aunt Catherine's beach house, bad. :'''Josh''': Yeah, so do I. :'''Drake''': Well, we can't be late for the wedding, and we have to pick up the cake. :'''Josh''': Dude, we got plenty of time, alright? Just as long as we get to the bakery before... ''[notices his laptop case gone]'' Hey, have you seen my laptop case? I thought I left it right here. :'''Drake''': Yeah, I gave it to Craig and Eric. :'''Josh''': You-you what?! :'''Drake''': They told me you said it was cool. :'''Josh''': Yeah, I said it was cool for 'em to borrow my laptop, but why'd you give them the whole case? It had my cell phone in it and my keys to Mom's SUV! Now we have no car! :'''Drake''': Well, I'll just call Craig and Eric and tell them to come back. :'''Josh''': No, we can't. They don't have cell phones. :'''Drake''': Why? :'''Josh''': [[Drake & Josh/Season 3#The Demonator|'Cause Papa Nichols threw Eric's against the wall and broke it]], and Craig's mom thinks cell phones cause ear sores! :'''Drake''': Craig does get a lot of ear sores. :'''Josh''': Look, we cannot be late to this wedding! :'''Drake''': Right, okay, um... Trevor! :'''Josh''': What about Trevor? :'''Drake''': We'll borrow his car. :'''Josh''': His girlfriend sleeps in it. :'''Drake''': No, they broke up. She sleeps in some other guy's car now. :'''Josh''': I don't wanna go to a wedding in Trevor's El Camino, it's old and gross. :'''Drake''': So is Aunt Catherine. :'''Josh''': Drake, if we-- :'''Drake''': Dude, it runs, and the wedding cake will fit in the back. And the most important thing is it'll get us there on time. ''[starts calling Trevor on the phone]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Trevor's old car breaks down]'' :'''Drake''': It won't start. :'''Josh''': Oh, really? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Look, maybe I can fix the motor. :'''Josh''': You can't fix a sandwich! :'''Drake''': If you make fun of me one more time, I'm gonna tell everyone we know that you named your favorite pillow Mr. Puff Puff. :'''Josh''': Sorry if I offended you. <hr width=50%> :''[a cop car drives up behind Trevor's car and two cops get out of their car]'' :'''Officer Brenner''': Looks like somebody parked here illegally. :'''Officer Norkin''': I'll write 'em a ticket. :'''Officer Brenner''': How come I've never met your wife? :'''Officer Norkin''': Huh? :'''Officer Brenner''': You know, we've been working together for like three years now, and I just think it's weird that you never let me meet your wife. :'''Officer Norkin''': Oh, well, um... she's just uh, she's just shy. :'''Officer Brenner''': You're not really married, are ya? :'''Officer Norkin''': What? :''[Officer Brenner shrugs questioningly]'' :'''Officer Norkin''': Of course I am! You can't just pretend to be married and not have a wife. I mean, come on. What're you talking about? :'''Officer Brenner''': Let me meet her. :'''Officer Norkin''': Alright, alright. I'm not married. There's no Marissa. :'''Officer Brenner''': You made up Marissa? :'''Officer Norkin''': Well, no. There was a Marissa in the 9th grade. I asked her to the school dance, and she just... she just laughed at me. :'''Officer Brenner''': It's okay, buddy. I understand. :'''Officer Norkin''': I feel so dumb. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a Hummer parks in front of Drake and Josh and two male strangers get out of it]'' :'''Drake''': Hey. :'''Josh''': Thank you so much for stopping. :'''Spencer''': No problem. :'''Ryan''': Where are you guys headed? :'''Josh''': To our Aunt Catherine's wedding. :'''Drake''': But we gotta be there in less than half an hour. :'''Josh''': Yeah, with that cake. :'''Drake''': We're in big trouble. :'''Spencer''': Well, did you call for help? :'''Josh''': No, we don't have cell phones. :'''Drake''': But if you drive us to the nearest payphone, we'll give you 75 bucks. :'''Josh''': Oh, hold on. ''[checks his wallet]'' I've got... ''[takes out a dollar bill]'' an extra 40! :'''Drake''': Alright, that's almost 100 bucks! :''[silence]'' :'''Josh''': Will you please drive us? :'''Spencer''': Wait a minute, so... you guys are stranded out here. :'''Ryan''': Flagging down strangers. :'''Spencer''': And you got no cell phones. :'''Ryan''': And it's just the two of you. :'''Spencer''': Alone. :'''Drake and Josh''': Right. :''[Ryan and Spencer push Drake and Josh to the ground and take their wallets away from them as they drive off right away leaving Drake and Josh stranded in the middle of the road]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Drake notices the name tag on Leslie's uniform]'' :'''Drake''': Leslie's Towing Company, huh? :'''Leslie''': Yeah. Been in the towing business for 23 years. :'''Drake''': So, who's Leslie, your wife? :'''Leslie''': No. Leslie's my name. ''[Drake laughs about what Leslie said]'' Something funny about that? :'''Drake''': Well, yeah, I mean, Leslie's a girl's name. :'''Leslie''': Oh, is that what you think? :'''Josh''': Uh, what my brother meant to say was, we don't think Leslie's a girl's name. We think it's a guy's name, dude. A man's name, ''[imitates Leslie]'' a very man's name. Grr. :'''Drake''': No, it's not. Leslie's totally-- :'''Josh''': Silence! :'''Leslie''': ''[to Drake]'' Listen, boy. I was named after my father, he was named after his father, and they both fought in wars. :'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is I've dated like five Leslies. All girls. :'''Leslie''': Okay, uh, you know, I'll tell you what. You can rot in a sack for all I care. Goodbye. :'''Josh''': No. No, no, no, please, wait, don't leave! :'''Leslie''': ''[without turning around]'' ROT IN A SACK! :''[drives away as Josh turns to Drake]'' :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' You had to make fun of the man's name?! ===Mindy Loves Josh=== :'''Josh''': What do you want? :'''Megan''': There's a couple of guys outside stealing your bike. :'''Josh''': Oh I just moved the chain, HANDS OFF MY RIDE! ''[runs outside]'' Hey! :'''Mindy''': Maybe, I should call the police. :'''Megan''': Nah, no ones stealing his bike. :'''Mindy''': What did you tell him that for? You got him all upset for nothing. :'''Megan''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': What are you eating? :'''Drake''': Big cookie. :'''Megan''': That was ''my'' big cookie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Mindy just told me she loves me! :'''Drake''': ''[accidentally hits him]'' '''''WHAT?!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Mindy, I am in the process of becoming a woman, so I worried… ''[Drake runs in, panicked by his green hands after Megan sprayed them]'' :'''Drake''': JOSH!!! OH, MY GOD, JOSH!!!! :'''Josh''': What's wrong, what happened? ''[Drake shows him his green hands]'' WHOA!!!!! W-Why are your hands green!? :'''Drake''': I-I dunno! I woke up, went to the bathroom, and my hands were green! :'''Josh''': Well, did ya try washin' 'em!? :'''Drake''': Yeah, for 10 minutes, man! I even used soap. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Megan comes inside Drake and Josh's room and tells Drake her truth after making his hands green (when she saw Drake eating her cookie)]'' :'''Drake''': Oh, it's you. Close the door! :'''Megan''': ''[closes the door and walks up to Drake]'' What's going on? :'''Drake''': Swear not to tell mom and dad? :'''Megan''': Swear. :'''Drake''': Well, I have this rare skin disease called dermatameculitis. :'''Megan''': ''[gasps]'' Oh my god! Are you okay? :'''Drake''': I will be. See, I read online that you can cure it by soaking in zipholic acid which is in lizard pee. :'''Megan''': Or you know there is another cure. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': Next time, don't eat my big cookie. :'''Drake''': What are you saying? :'''Megan''': I tricked you into thinking you have a rare skin disease by dying your hands and feet green while you slept and that you were stupid enough to actually fall for it and stick your hands and feet in buckets in lizard pee. That what I'm saying. :'''Drake''': Megan! :'''Megan''': You have a little somethin' on your upper lip. :''[Drake touches his upper lip with his green hand and suffers from it as Megan leaves his and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Wait! :'''Megan''': What? :'''Drake''': Is it gone? :''[Megan leaves the room]'' ===Who's Got Game?=== :'''Carly''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Help you find something? :'''Drake''': Oh no, I got- ''[turns to see her]'' No, I got it. :'''Carly''': Sparks, nice. Yes, I saw them live last week at "The Phyton". :'''Drake''': No way, I was there. :'''Carly''': Oh, yeah, you were that guy in the crowd listening. :'''Drake''': Yeah, that was me! :'''Carly''': I was kidding. :'''Drake''': Me, too. :'''Carly''': Come on, I'll ring you up. :'''Drake''': Okay. :''[they both walk up to the cashier's desk]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': You have bad taste in music! And you, your head's shaped like a lemon! And you, you smell weird. :'''Man''': The city shut off my water. <hr width50%> :'''Carly''': Ok, that was pathetic. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': ''[walks up to Drake]'' Well, while you keep kissing your new girlfriend, I'm going to go back home and move my special pillow onto your bed. :'''Drake''': What? ''[turns around to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Well, I've had 22 dates this you week and you've only had one. :'''Drake''': Okay, yeah. I guess you get my bed. Alright, you win. :'''Josh''': I win? I GOT MORE GIRLS THAN DRAKE!! ''[laughs]'' JOSH NICHOLS IS NO LONGER A LITTLE CATERPILLAR, AH, HE IS A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY!! ''[flaps wings for a while then stops out of embarrassment]'' See you guys at home. ''[walks away]'' ===The Great Doheny=== :'''Josh''': Uh, Megan. This is Henry Doheny. I'm gonna go make him a sandwich with some crinkel cut fries and you keep him company. ''[runs off to make Doheny his sandwich]'' :'''Megan''': Henry Doheny. Didn't you use to be like a really famous magician? :'''Henry''': Hmmm. ''[pretends to think]'' Why don't you, reach into, ''[points to trash can and Megan looks at it]'' that decorative trash can and tell me. :'''Megan''': ''[looks at him, searches through the trash-can, picks out old papers than a bunny, and gasps]'' A bunny! :'''Henry''': Her name is Cookie, if you hold her close, she'll lick your nose. :'''Megan''': ''[puts Cookie to her face and Cookie begins to lick her as she laughs]'' Oh my god, this is the cutest bunny I've ever seen! Can I keep her? :'''Henry''': I insist! :'''Megan''': Thanks! You’re so cute. ''[goes to her room, admiring Cookie]'' :'''Henry''': ''[To Drake]'' Pick a card! :'''Drake''': Fine. ''[picks a card]'' Now what? :'''Henry''': Now, put it back. ''[Drake gives the card back and he takes the deck into his jacket]'' Very good. :'''Drake''': ''[looks at Doheny with a weird gaze]'' So what's my card? :'''Henry''': Cough. ''[Drake coughs out a card]'' Now, open it. ''[Drake does so and Doheny isn't even looking]'' Is that your card? :'''Drake''': Yeah. But could you do me a favor and not make things come outta my body? <hr width=50%> :'''Walter''': ''[looking himself in the mirror after Doheny made him bald]'' Ahh! Check me out! I'm bald. ''[leaving the room]'' Honey, Mr. Doheny made me bald! <hr width=50%> :'''Henry''': Henry Dohney is back from the dead! <hr width=50%> :''[during the end credits, Walter asks Henry to give him his hair back]'' :'''Henry''': Of course, Walter. Eyes closed. :''[as Walter gets ready to have his hair back, Henry leaves right away leaving Walter bald]'' :'''Walter''': Where'd he go? :'''Drake''': Vegas. :'''Walter''': Mr. Doheny, what about my hair?! :'''Henry''': ''[offscreen]'' Buy a wig! ''[he laughs mockingly as he leaves to Las Vegas]'' ===I Love Sushi=== :'''Josh''': ''[presses record button on video camera remote for filming contest entry video]'' Dear pump my room, this is our living room. :'''Drake''': A room, in which we live. :'''Josh''': Um, we really hope we win this makeover. :'''Drake''': But not for us. :'''Josh''': For our parents. :'''Drake''': We call them, "Mom and Dad". :'''Josh''': You see, my dad married his mom almost 5 years ago. :'''Drake''': I am still in shock. :'''Josh''': And soon, it'll be their 5th anniversary. :'''Drake''': ''[sheepishly]'' Still in shock. :'''Josh''': Now, we can't afford to buy them anything fancy. :'''Drake''': So we pray that you wonderful people at Pump my Room choose us. :'''Josh''': Eh, our parents. :'''Drake''': For the special gift, of a room makeover. ''[desperately]'' Please. :'''Josh''': ''[desperately]'' Please. ''[Drake and Josh both embrace each other, drake grabs for the remote to end the video recording]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh answer the door and discover that Tyler bought nachos for them]'' :'''Tyler''': Hot nachos for Drake and Josh. :'''Josh''': But we didn't order. :'''Drake''': Yeah. It's about time our nachos got here. :'''Josh''': But we didn't order. :'''Drake''': ''[tells Josh to hush]'' Free nachos. I'll take those. Josh, take the nacho boy. :'''Josh''': Do you have change for 5? :'''Tyler''': No, sir. ''[he leaves]'' :'''Josh''': ''[while Drake is eating nachos]'' We didn't order those. :'''Drake''': Dude, when life hands you free nachos, you don't question it! :'''Josh''': I'm just worried about- ''[starts eating nachos with Drake]'' Oh, my god. These are good nachos. :'''Drake''': I know. Seriously. :'''Josh''': These are the best nachos in the world. :'''Drake''': They're made with, like 5 different kinds of cheeses. :'''Josh''': What you say? As long as nobody sees us? :'''Drake''': ''[muffled]'' It's getting hard for me to swallow. :'''Josh''': ''[muffled]'' Something's wrong with these nachos! :''[when Megan gets too busy to prank Drake and Josh, she hires a young boy named Tyler to help her when the two come out of the kitchen]'' :'''Megan''': Awesome. Great, great work. :'''Tyler''': You really think so? :'''Josh''': ''[muffled]'' Megan, who is this? Go get over there. :'''Megan''': Drake, Josh, I'd like you to meet My new assistant, Tyler. Tyler, you know the boobs. :'''Tyler''': Boobs. :''[Drake and Josh muffles]'' :'''Megan''': I'll explain. See, like I told you, I've been really busy lately, so I don't have time to harass you guys as much as I'd like to, which is why I hired Tyler as my assistant. To help make your lives as miserable as possible. He made the nachos. :'''Tyler''': ''[satisfied]'' I used a special sticky cheese! :'''Drake''': ''[muffled]'' Sticky cheese? :'''Megan''': Yeah. Tyler, come upstairs with me. We'll make a schedule for the rest of the week. :'''Tyler''': Yes, ma'am. :''[as Tyler goes upstairs with Megan, Drake and Josh stay behind leaving their mouths muffled]'' :'''Drake''': ''[as he answers the phone; muffled]'' Hello? No, no don't, hello. No, I know. I have my mouth. You talk to him. ''[gives the phone to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[muffled]'' Hello? Who is it? :'''Drake''': ''[muffled]'' Who is it? Hello? :''[after the phone was hung up, Drake and Josh get angry as the two head upstairs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Okay, mom and dad. Here it comes. :'''Drake''': Who's ready to go inside? :'''Audrey''': What is up with you guys? :'''Walter''': Yeah, you kept us out all day driving all over the city. :'''Drake''': Get ready. ''[he opens the door as he, Josh, Walter, and Audrey come inside the house]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': HAPPY ANNIVERS- ''[they turn on the lights to reveal that the furniture in the living room has been stolen]'' -''[lamely]'' sery. :'''Walter''': Drake? :'''Audrey''': Josh! :'''Walter''': Where's our stuff? :'''Josh''': We've been robbed! :'''Drake''': ''[curious]'' Surprise! :''[Walter and Audrey both get shocked after all of the furniture from the living room disappeared]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tyler pops his head from the kitchen and throws an egg at Sergeant Doty's back thinking that Drake and Josh did it]'' :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[angrily]'' HEY! ''[walks up to Drake and Josh]'' DO YOU THINK EGGS ARE FUNNY? Do you know I can arrest you two for assaulting a police officer? :'''Drake''': We didn't throw an egg at you. :'''Josh''': We don't have any eggs on us. :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[picks up the egg tray that Tyler left from the counter]'' Then whose are these? The egg fairies? :'''Josh''': We don't even know where those came from. :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[satisfied]'' 50 pushups. :'''Josh''': But you can't make us do- :'''Sergeant Doty''': ''[angrily]'' '''PUSHUPS!''' :''[Drake and Josh are forced to 50 pushups by Sergeant Doty while the police officer, Sergeant Doty, Megan and Tyler are satisfied much to their satisfaction]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': Oh! :'''Drake''': 1. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 2. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 3. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 4. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 5. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 6. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 7. :'''Josh''': Ow. :'''Drake''': 8. 9. <hr width=50%/> :''[Drake and Josh both have an interview]'' :'''Mr. Nadel''': Drake Parker. Josh Nichols. ''[Drake and Josh come in Mr. Nadel's office]'' What do you want? :'''Josh''': We understand that you give people temporary jobs? :'''Mr. Nadel''': So? :'''Josh''': And we'd like one. :'''Mr. Nadel''': And I'd like to meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date. :'''Drake''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Yeah, well good luck with that. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Ok, what are your skills? :'''Drake''': I play guitar and date girls. :'''Josh''': Well, I'm an honor student. I'm pretty good with magic tricks, I can cook. Oh, in the 5th grade I was voted most polite child- :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yells]'' NO! THAT'S ENOUGH! ''[in a normal voice]'' Well, let's see, I've got men's room attendant, ditch digger, or you could clean up after elephants at the zoo? :'''Drake''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Wow, they all sound so wonderful. :'''Josh''': Do you gave any jobs that are, you know... not repulsive? :'''Drake''': Yeah, and we want one that pays a lot. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Sure, and I wanna meet a woman who doesn't change her phone number after the first date. :'''Josh''': You already said that. :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[yelling]'' WELL IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME! I MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! :'''Drake''': We just want jobs. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Alright look, I got two jobs working the line at a fish factory. That glamorous enough for you? :'''Josh''': Well, what would we have to do? :'''Mr. Nadel''': You'd be assembling packages of sushi for distribution to local supermarkets. Pays 18 bucks an hour. Each. :'''Josh''': Yeah, we'll take it. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Good. Happy. Happy. Here's the address. Be there Saturday morning 8:00. :'''Drake:''' 8:00? :'''Josh''': We'll be there. :'''Mr. Nadel''': Yeah, yeah. :''[Drake and Josh leave Mr. Nadel's office; Nadel types in numbers on his phone from a piece of paper]'' :'''Phone''': The number you have reached has been disconnected :'''Mr. Nadel''': ''[bangs on desk]'' EVERY TIME! Stupid lotion! ''[knocks a bottle of lotion on the floor]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Look man, we tried our best I can't think of anything else... :''[Drake and Josh realize they're sitting on the couch and feel it to make sure they're not dreaming Josh looks around and sees everything back in the living room]'' :'''Josh''': The Furniture's back! :'''Drake''': We did it! :'''Josh''': We didn't do anything! :'''Audrey''': Howdy, boys. :'''Walter''': Surprised? :'''Josh''': Yeah! How'd you get our furniture back? :'''Audrey''': The police found the robbers moving van. :'''Walter''': It was broken down about a half a mile up the street. :'''Drake''': And they found everything? :'''Walter''': Yep. :'''Audrey''': It's all here. ''[smells rotten stench on Drake and Josh]'' Do I smell rotting sushi? :'''Drake''': Yeah, it's a long story. :'''Josh''': Uh see we... :'''Walter''': ''[cuts Josh off at mid sentence]'' We don't want to know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the end, Drake and Josh are stuck hanging on a net by Megan and revealed that she fired Tyler]'' :'''Josh''': Hello? Hello? Hello? :'''Drake''': Hey. :'''Josh''': We're in the net. Hey, what's going on? :'''Drake''': Well, I'll tell you what's going on? It's that Tyler kid, Megan's assistant. :'''Megan''': ''[after she went out of the kitchen]'' Hey, boobs. How's it hanging? :'''Josh''': Hey, tell your friend Tyler to cut us down! :'''Megan''': Tyler didn't do this. I did. I fired Tyler. :'''Drake''': Why? I thought you were too busy to prank us. :'''Megan''': Yeah, but letting somebody else make your lives miserable, doesn't give me that same warm feeling I get from doing it myself, so I'll make time. Later. ''[leaves]'' :'''Josh''': Hey. Megan, wait. :'''Drake''': Hey, can you at least get us down from here? :'''Megan''': Sure. ''[presses the button to let Drake and Josh down]'' :'''Drake''': ''[laying on the floor]'' Thank you. :'''Josh''': ''[laying on the floor]'' Good night. ===The Storm=== :''[after Drake and his band rehearse for their concert]'' :'''Julio''': Pretty tight. :'''Gary''': Yep. :'''Drake''': Uh, no. We were not tight, alright? That was loose. We were weak. :'''Gary''': Oh, come on, man. :'''Julio''': What's the problem? :'''Drake''': The problem? Man, you were two beats behind the whole song. ''[to the other guitarist]'' You were playing an A minor, not an A7. ''[to Gary]'' And you? Dude, you're wearing a woman's shirt. :'''Gary''': It's called a blouse. ''[Drake looks at him with a questioning look]'' It's my sister's, okay? All my clothes were dirty. :'''Drake''': Well, why would you wear your sister's clothes? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake hits Eric in the chest and notices Lucy, one of his ex-girlfriends]'' :'''Eric''': Ow. :'''Drake''': That's Lucy, my ex-girlfriend. Josh invited my ex-girlfriend? :'''Eric''': Well, yeah. When we were going over the guest list, Josh said you and Lucy were still friends. :'''Drake''': Well, we are, but I invited Carly. I can't have my current girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend at the same party. You want the universe to explode? Man, what am I gonna--? :''[hits Eric in the chest again and notices Christine]'' :'''Eric''': Ow! :'''Drake''': Christine? How many of my ex-girlfriends are here? :'''Eric''': Just those two, I hope. Or else I'm gonna need chest replacement surgery! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walter''': Hey, I'm a professional weatherman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after being on the phone with Josh]'' That was Josh. :'''Julio''': They cancelled the concert? :'''Drake''': The whole stage is underwater. :'''Gary''': My uncle's got a boat! :'''Drake''': That's great, Gary. Why don't ya climb into your uncle's boat and ''sail off to moron island?'' <hr width=“50%”> :'''Crazy Steve''': C'MON, DORA!!! ===My Dinner with Bobo=== :''[Drake and Josh and Megan get a car]'' :'''Megan''': ''[looking at a car with tattooed flowers]'' Oh my god! I love this car! Let's buy this one! :'''Drake''': Shall we harmonize? :'''Josh''': Let's. :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[singing]'' No! :'''Megan''': Dad said I can help pick out the car. :'''Drake''': Uh yes. And thank you for helping us decide we're not getting this one. :'''Megan''': Don't push me. :'''Stan the Car Man''': ''[appears and gets out of his cart]'' Well now, let me guess! You folks are looking for a car. :'''Josh''': Hey, you're Stan the Car Man. :'''Stan the Car Man''': The very same. :'''Josh''': I know, I love your commercials. You need a car, you need a truck, you need a van! Come see Stan the Car Man! :'''Drake''': Who also sells trucks and vans. :'''Stan the Car Man''': I don't like it when people imitate me. :'''Josh''': I'm sorry. :'''Drake''': I'm also sorry. ''[points at a monkey]'' Hey, Bobo! Aw, I love this guy! ''[picks up Bobo]'' :'''Stan the Car Man''': He seems to have taken a liking to you too! :'''Drake''': Aw, he's awesome. :'''Megan''': Yeah, maybe he can tutor you in math. :'''Stan the Car Man''': How much were you boys hoping to spend in this vehicle? :'''Drake''': About $2400. :'''Stan the Car Man''': $2400. About what car did you had in mind? :'''Josh''': Something safe. :'''Drake''': Something fast. :'''Josh''': Gets good mileage. :'''Drake''': It's gotta have satellite radio. :'''Josh''': Heated seats would be nice. :'''Stan the Car Man''': Huh? :'''Josh''': I get cold down there. :'''Megan''': Look! No one is interested in your butt temperature problems. :'''Josh''': Dr. Fish bum is. :'''Drake''': Look, can you just show us something we can afford? :'''Stan the Car Man''': Well, I surely can. Right over there! :'''Josh''': Alright. :'''Drake''': Come on. ''[he and Josh walk away]'' :'''Stan the Car Man''': Butt temperature problems? :'''Megan''': He's a mess. ''[she and Stan the Car Man walk away too]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh come inside Dr. Favershim's apartment to rescue Bobo]'' :'''Dr. Favershim''': Come in. :'''Drake''': We are in. :'''Josh''': Yeah. And we want Bobo back. :'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, we had a deal. $10,000 for your delicious friends. :'''Drake''': Yeah, well deal's off. :'''Josh''': So just take your check back and give us Bobo. :'''Dr. Favershim''': Are you sure? :'''Drake''': Yes. :'''Josh''': Absolutely. :'''Dr. Favershim''': Very well, Bobo is in the back of the closet right over there. You may fetch him. :'''Josh''': Back of the closet? :'''Dr. Favershim''': Good. :'''Josh''': Come on dude, let's go get him. :'''Drake''': Whoa? Is he in here? :'''Josh''': Perhaps. :'''Drake''': In the coat, where is he? :''[ Dr. Favershim locks Drake and Josh in the closet so he can eat Bobo, Drake and Josh yell inside the closet in order to get out after Dr. Favershim pranked them]'' :'''Dr. Favershim''': I'm sorry, boys, but I can't let you interfere with my dinner plans. ''[takes off the curtain off of Bobo's cage]'' Hello, little friend. I hope you have good taste. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' You open the door or we're gonna call the cops! :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Yeah, we have a cellphone in here! :'''Dr. Favershim''': You have no cellphone. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Do, too! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Prove it. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' How? :'''Dr. Favershim''': Play me a ringtone. :''[Josh plays a ringtone on his phone from the closet]'' :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' See? I told ya we got a cellphone! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Does it have Bluetooth? :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' What?!?! :'''Dr. Favershim''': Your cellphone, does it have Bluetooth? :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ya, dude, it has Bluetooth. :'''Dr. Favershim''': I don't believe you. Show me. :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Fine! Then, open the door! ''[Dr. Favershim opens door]'' See, Bluetooth! Ha, ha! ''[Dr. Favershim pushes Josh back in the closet, takes his phone, and locks the door again]'' What?! Oh, man! :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Oh, nice goin', Bluetooth! :'''Josh''': ''[inside the closet]'' Don't start with me! ''[Josh slaps Drake off-screen]'' :'''Drake''': ''[inside the closet]'' Ow! :''[Dr. Favershim cuts slices of a carrot and takes a bite and walks up to Bobo to eat a piece, too]'' ===Tree House=== :'''Delivery Guy''': Package for Josh Nichols. ''[hands package to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Thanks! Have a good day! :'''Delivery Guy''': ''[rudely]'' Don't tell me what to do. <hr width=50%> :'''Greg''': ''[while putting out the fire on Robbie's treehouse after Drake and Josh burned it]'' Well, fire's out! :'''Walter''': Greg, I am so sorry our kids burned down your son's treehouse. :'''Josh''': Yeah, I feel awful. :'''Drake''': Yeah, if only Josh wouldn't have put that restrictor plate on first... ''[Josh shoots him a look]'' :'''Greg''': Well, it's alright. I'm just a little worried about how Robbie will react, see he can a little... :'''Robbie''': ''[off-screen]'' Daddy? :'''Greg''': Oh no. No, I didn't want it to be like... :'''Robbie''': ''[walks up to Greg]'' Daddy? ''[turns to the remains of his treehouse, dropping his toy truck in shock]'' What happened to my treehouse?! :'''Greg''': Son, ''[kneels down to Robbie's level]'' Drake and Josh shot it with a rocket and burned it down. :''[Robbie turns to Drake and Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Well, you see, Robbie... :''[Robbie unleashes a high-pitched cry that causes the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and his cry lasts about 10 seconds before Robbie stops]'' :'''Drake''': ''[sarcastically]'' Well, that was pleasant! :'''Robbie''': Why? Why would you do this to me? :'''Drake''': We didn't mean to. :'''Robbie''': That treehouse was the only place I could cry in private! :'''Audrey''': Oh, it's okay, Robbie! I'll tell you what, Drake and Josh, are gonna build you a brand new treehouse! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Wait, what? :'''Walter''': You heard her! :'''Greg''': Well, we are driving up to our cottage in Fresno for the weekend. Can you boys rebuild it, tomorrow? :'''Josh''': Wait, tomorrow? :'''Drake''': Tomorrow?! :'''Josh''': We can't, we have plans. :'''Audrey''': Of course, they can. :'''Josh''': But we have dates, tomorrow! :'''Drake''': With hot twins! :'''Walter''': Tough squash. :'''Drake''': ''[to Josh]'' Squash? :'''Josh''': I don't know, he says things... :'''Audrey''': ''[to her children]'' You can go on your dates, after the ''three'' of you finish rebuilding Robbie's treehouse! :'''Megan''': Whoa, whoa! By the "three of us", I hope you mean Drake, Josh, and Josh's imaginary friend! :'''Josh''': Hey! :'''Megan''': Mom... :'''Walter''': Drake and Josh said you were helping them with a rocket when it flew through the window. :'''Drake''': She was. :'''Audrey''': So, you have to help rebuild the treehouse tomorrow. :'''Megan''': But I'll miss Jeannie's birthday party! ''[turns to her brothers, venomously whispering]'' Tell them it wasn't my fault! :'''Drake''': ''[mockingly]'' Sorry! :'''Josh''': Too bad, little girl! :'''Walter''': Now boys, Megan, ''[angrily whispers]'' why don't you tell Robbie you're sorry? :'''Drake, Josh, and Megan''': We're sorry. :'''Robbie''': It's okay. :'''Greg''': ''[ruffles Robbie's hair]'' Atta boy! :'''Josh''': Hey, hey, maybe you can cheer yourself up by playing with your cool red truck, here. Come on, try it, dude! :'''Robbie''': I'll try. :''[Robbie turns on his truck, and drives it into the remains of the treehouse, a charred piece of wood falls onto the truck, splitting it half and Robbie proceeds to scream and cry again, causing the Parker-Nichols family to cover their ears and retreat back to their house]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': ''[while working on Robbie's new treehouse]'' You know, you two could help me. :'''Drake''': I've been helping since 7 am. Now, I'm relaxing. ''[to Megan]'' Hey, pour me some more lemonade, would you? ''[Megan walks over and refills Drake's cup of lemonade, then uses it to splash his face]'' What was that for?! :'''Megan''': For making me miss Jeannie's birthday party! :'''Drake''': ''[smugly]'' Yeah well, it looks like me and Josh got you this time, doesn't it? ''[stops Megan as she walks towards the power saw]'' Don't touch the power saw! :'''Josh''': Megan, just go get me some more screws from the garage. :'''Megan''': You guys make me sick, maybe I'd better check into "St. Illness". ''[rolls her eyes as she walks to the garage]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Drake and Josh are trapped inside Robbie's treehouse while they're trying to rebuild it]'' :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' Drake…? :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': Where's the door hole? :'''Drake''': It goes right there, see? I drew it with a magic marker. :'''Josh''': You were supposed to cut it out with the power saw! :'''Drake''': Dude, I'm gonna! :'''Josh''': Oh, really? :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': So go get the power saw. :'''Drake''': Okay, I will! ''[tries to walk through the wall where the painted door is]'' I see the problem…. :'''Josh''': ''[angrily]'' Oh, do ya?! <hr width=50%> :'''Josh''': Cone! :'''Drake''': Whatever! <hr width=50%"/> :''[Megan refuses to let Drake and Josh out of the Robbie's tree house because she is angry that they made her miss her friend Janie's birthday party]'' :'''Megan''': ''[walks to Drake with a snow cone]'' Hey boob. :'''Drake''': Where you've been? :'''Megan''': I told you I was going to get a snow cone. :'''Drake''': Okay, well now that you have one, can you please hand up the power saw so we can get out of here? :'''Megan''': Let me think, no! :'''Drake''': Listen to me! You make us miss our dates with those 2 hot identical twins, I swear- ''[Josh grabs him]'' :'''Josh''': Hey! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': We don't need that power saw! :'''Drake''': Then how are we gonna get out of here? :'''Josh''': ''[grabs the power screwdriver]'' Power screwdriver! We just need to unscrew one of these walls and boom we are out! :'''Drake''': Do it brother! :'''Josh''': Okay. ''[he power screws the door but realizes it's dead]'' Set this baby to reverse. :'''Drake''': Why'd it stop? :'''Josh''': I don't know. The screwdriver- ''[looks outside the window thinking that Megan unplugged it]'' MEGAN! :'''Megan''': ''[satisfied; after she unplugged the power screwdriver]'' Yes, can I help you? <hr width=50%> :''[while Megan is grilling burgers on the grill]'' :'''Josh''': Hey. Hey, you forgot one thing, Megan. :'''Megan''': No. ''[holds up a pack of buns]'' I got buns right here. :'''Josh''': I meant we're gonna tell Mom and Dad, and then you're gonna be in huge trouble. :'''Megan''': Well, you're gonna have to wait, 'cause Mom and Dad went out to have dinner and see a movie with the Schneiders. :'''Josh''': Stupid Schneiders. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': ''[answers the door, revealing Craig and Eric each holding model rockets]'' What? :'''Eric:''' Hey, we heard Josh got the Skybuster 5000 model rocket! :'''Craig''': We gotta see it! :'''Eric''': And we want to show him ours! ''[excitedly shows off his model rocket, including Craig]'' :'''Megan''': What is wrong with you two? ''[hears the phone ring]'' I'll be right back. ''[goes to answer it]'' :'''Eric''': Oh, can we come in? :'''Megan''': No! ''[answers the phone]'' Hello? :''[scene changes to the Premiere, revealing to be Drake and Josh's twin dates]'' :'''Twin 1''': Hey, are Drake and Josh there? :'''Megan''': Nope, sorry. :'''Twin 2''': Well, they were supposed to meet my sister and I here 45 minutes ago. :'''Megan''': Well, I'm sure if they cared about you at all, they'd be there. :'''Twins''': Huh? :'''Megan''': Um, actually? ''[looks back at Craig and Eric]'' Drake and Josh moved to Canada. :'''Twins''': Canada? :'''Megan''': But they felt bad about missing your date, so they're sending another couple of guys over to meet you. :'''Twins''': Okay? :'''Megan''': ''[hangs up and goes to the door]'' Alright, do you two want to spend your Saturday night playing with model rockets? Or would you rather be on a date with two hot girls? :'''Craig''': Hot girls? :'''Megan''': Twins. :'''Eric''': Twins? ''[laughs with Craig]'' :'''Megan''': Have fun. ''[closes the door]'' :'''Craig''': Wait, wait! ''[taps the door with Eric]'' :'''Megan''': ''[opens the door]'' What? :'''Eric''': Where do we go? :'''Megan''': The Premiere! ''[slams the door]'' :'''Craig''': W-wait! ''[looks at Eric, as the two rush to the Premiere]'' <hr width=50%> :''[at the Premiere, Craig, Eric, and the twin girls are sitting and laughing together]'' :'''Eric''': So our friend, Hender comes in and says, "Hey, I thought this was a cafeteria, not a rocketeria!" ''[The group laughs again]'' True story! :'''Craig''': ''[raises hand]'' I'm a witness! :'''Twin 1''': Wow, you guys are so fun! :'''Twin 2''': Totally! :'''Twin 1''': You mind getting us a couple more sodas? :'''Craig''': Sure, be glad to. ''[grabs Twin 2's cup]'' :'''Eric''': We'll be right back. ''[grabs Twin 1's cup]'' :''[The two get up and walk towards the soda fountain, as the twins watch them]'' :'''Twin 1''': Let's get outta here! :'''Twin 2''': Run! :''[Both twins flee the Premiere before Craig and Eric can return]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': 1, 2, hit it! ===Josh is Done=== :'''Drake''': C'mon, let's play ping-pong! :'''Josh''': Alright. I'll play if it'll stop you from yapping. :'''Drake''': And the battle begins! ''[rings bell]'' Ohh, my worthy opponent. Are you prepared to ping the pong? :'''Josh''': Wahahaha. I am prepared, Young Szechwan. Your pong is no match for my ping! :'''Drake''': Ahh, do your worst! ''[he and Josh play ping-pong until Josh's paddle flies out of his hand and out the window, to Josh's horror]'' You have smashed the window of transparency! :'''Josh''': ''[runs to the broken window]'' Aw, man! Mom and dad are gonna kill me! :'''Drake''': Oh, probably. Come on, let's finish the game. :'''Josh''': I don't have a paddle! :'''Drake''': Oh, there's an extra one downstairs, be back in a sec. :'''Josh''': We can't be late for this- :'''Drake''': I'll be back in a few seconds, you can study while I'm gone. ''[gives Josh the book and leaves the room]'' :'''Josh''': I don't think it leaves us enough- ''[opens the book and reads a page]'' What is the atomic weight of beryllium? 9.01. ''[yells]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Roland starts his class]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Alright, class, close your books, put all materials underneath your desk. Drake, stop kissing Kat. Your exam is about to begin. You will have exactly 55 minutes to complete your- :'''Josh''': ''[all sweaty from running all the way to class after Drake left him behind, bumps into the door]'' PLEASE! PLEASE, LET ME IN!! I'M SORRY I'M LATE! ''[Drake looks at him from his desk]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[Opens the door]'' Mr. Nichols, you know the rule. :'''Josh''': B-But you don't understand. You see, I was just about to- :'''Mr. Roland''': I understand that you are late, and when you're late to my class, you're not welcome in my class. :'''Josh''': Uh, b-but w-what about the exam? :'''Mr. Roland''': You will take a make-up exam next Saturday morning at 6AM, and you will be marked down 1 letter grade! :'''Josh''': ''[very upset and despairing]'' Oh, no. No-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh!!! ''[Points at Drake angrily]'' YOU! :'''Drake''': ''[defensively]'' What? :'''Josh''': ''[yells and runs in the classroom to attack Drake, only to be held back by the other students, while Drake stares]'' COME HERE! COME HERE, YOU WANNA TUSSLE!? LET'S GO!! LET ME CLOSER!!! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[enraged]'' Mr. Nichols! Mr. Nichols, you will leave this classroom NOW! :'''Josh''': But I- :'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! :'''Josh''': I just- :'''Mr. Roland''': NOW! :'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Now...? ''[leaves the classroom as Mr. Roland locks the classroom door, as Josh continues trying to plead his case]'' Now, if you would just allow me to explain, OH!!! ''[Mr. Roland yanks down the door window shade]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': As I was saying, you will have 55 minutes to complete your exams. ''[Mr. Roland walks over to the classroom windows to close the blinds as Josh from outside still tries to plead his case.]'' You will use a #2 pencil. :'''Josh''': ''[sobbing]'' I work so hard! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[closes first blind]'' Not #1, not #3. :'''Josh''': ''[sobbing]'' So unbelievably hard! :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[closes second blind]'' If you have any questions during the exams, don’t ask them! :'''Josh''': ''[sobbing]'' I really do, I give everything a hundred… :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[closes last blind]'' I want silence in this classroom! Silence is golden. :'''Josh''': ''[freaks out]'' Nooo! Nah! Nah! Nah! Nah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake gets home after the exam, (which he failed most likely), and takes Robbie's sit-n-bounce just to get Josh over his rage, still not caring about making him late earlier despite wanting to have fun together. Josh is instead smiling]'' :'''Drake''': Hey, Josh. What goes on? :'''Josh''': ''[strangely happy]'' Just readin' my book. :'''Drake''': ''[signs]'' Look, I'm sorry about this morning. You know, but Kat called and wanted to make out, and, you know, Kat. :'''Josh''': ''[Knowing that Drake's apology is fake]'' Yes, yes. She's very pretty. :'''Drake''': Alright, you're still mad. But you won't be for long, 'cause I got you your very own sit-n-bounce! ''[Josh says nothing]'' Sit-n-bounce! :'''Josh''': No, thanks. :'''Megan''': Doesn't that kid Robbie next door have a sit-n-bounce just like that? :'''Drake''': ''[sarcastically]'' No! No. And, c'mon, have you ever sat and bounced before? You can't be upset when you're sittin' and bouncin'. ''[plays with it. Josh closes his book and gets up, Drake bounces in front of him]'' :'''Josh''': Can you please move? :'''Drake''': ''[stop bouncing]'' Come On, dude, I said I was sorry. :'''Josh''': Yeah, I heard you. :'''Drake''': Well, stop being mad at me. :'''Josh''': I'm not mad at you. I'm done. :'''Drake''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Josh''': I don't want anything to do with you anymore. :'''Drake''': So what, are you gonna move out? :'''Josh''': No, this is the house where I live, and I guess we'll be roommates until the day I leave for college. But that's all we'll be, is roommates. I'm done with you. ''[walks away, leaving Drake concerned]'' :'''Megan''': Whoa! :'''Drake''': What? :'''Megan''': You really did it this time. :'''Drake''': Oh, c'mon, ya know how many times Josh has been ''furious'' with me? Uh, he'll pout for a day or 2, and then he'll get over it. :'''Megan''': I dunno, he sounded pretty serious. :'''Drake''': Trust me. Alright, I know Josh, and there's no way he's gonna keep this up- :'''Robbie''': ''[walks in]'' I knew it! I knew you took my sit-n-bounce! ''[kicks Drake in the leg and takes his sit-n-bounce back]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A few days later at the Premiere, Josh, Craig, Eric, and Leah are hanging out laughing listening to a funny story from Eric and Craig]'' :'''Eric''': And so me and Craig are in the swimming pool, we're halfway through a game of Marco Polo. :'''Craig''': I look down and realize he still has his socks on! :''[Everyone laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Without Josh, Drake begins suffering bad luck, while Josh's life improves with more good luck than ever, even passing his make-up exam and getting his grade back up]'' :'''Drake''': ''[arrives at the Premiere]'' Hello, Josh. :'''Josh''': Hi, Drake. :'''Craig''': Why are you all sweaty? :'''Drake''': I'm all sweaty because I ran out of gas and I had to walk all the way here because SOMEBODY forgot to fill up the car! :'''Josh''': It's not my responsibility to fill the car with gas. :'''Drake''': You always fill up the car! :'''Josh''': Used to, now I put in just enough gas for myself. :'''Drake''': Well, good! You know, good for you! I DON'T NEED YOUR GAS! And just so you know, I'm gonna go see a movie right now and I don't need a free ticket from you cause mom paid me 10 bucks to get out of the house! So I don't need you for ANYTHING! :'''Leah''': Movie tickets here are $11. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Eric''': And popcorn and soda are gonna cost you another 6 or 7. :'''Drake''': D'oh! You know what? I'm not even gonna buy a ticket, I'm just going in. Right, just going right in! ''[yells at ticket checker employee, he stubbornly walks into theater 7]'' :'''Josh''': ''[clears throat, grabs the communicator]'' Security, we have a problem in theater 7: male Caucasian, sweaty, wearing a gray sweatshirt. ''[beeps]'' So what's the difference between a hoagie and a submarine sandwich? :'''Steve''': I always thought a hoagie was a hot sandwich, and a submarine could be served hot or cold. :'''Craig''': No, I think it's the other way around. :'''Eric''': Okay, but what's a grinder? :'''Leah''': Same thing as a hoagie. :'''Drake''': ''[getting dragged by the security guards]'' Hey! Hey! Let go, let go! Josh, Josh! Tell them to let me go! Josh, Josh! Tell them! Tell them! Look this way, I know this guy, I know this guy. Ask him, ask him. :'''Security Guard''': Is this guy a friend of yours? :''[pause]'' :'''Josh''': ''[satisfied]'' No, he's not. :'''Drake''': ''[frustrated]'' Josh!! Oh. You're gonna regret this, Josh! You need me! YOU NEED ME!!! :'''Josh''': So, hoagie and grinder same thing, huh? :'''Leah, Steve, Eric, & Craig''': ''[All talking at once in agreement]'' Yes./That's right./Uh-huh./Yeah. :'''Steve''': All in the sandwich family. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[after being switched with another lab partner named Clayton, messes up his science experiment, causing green water to flow and spill over his hand]'' Whoa-whoa! Hey-hey! What's happening, what's happening!? Oh-okay-okay-okay! Arms tingling, arms tingling! :'''Craig''': Chemical emergency! ''[turns on the alarm]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Let's get him in the power-shower! ''[grabs Drake and carries him into the chemical shower, as Josh watches in shock]'' :'''Drake''': Hey-hey! Watch it, will you-!? What is this!? ''[Roki shuts the door, Mr. Roland turns on the water]'' What are you, what are you-!? AAA-OOHHHH!!!! ''[Starts yelling as the hot water stingingly washes off the chemicals]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Drake, are you alright? :'''Drake''': Hey! What is this water!? Ow! ''[continues yelling as everybody, including Josh, watches]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': ''[turns off the water]'' Drake, you may come out now. ''[Drake comes out, all soaked and groaning]'' Sit down, Drake. ''[Drake ignores him, walks towards the door]'' Drake, sit down! :'''Drake''': No! :'''Mr. Roland''': Drake! :'''Drake''': Josh! :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Look, I'm sorry. :'''Josh''': Well-- :'''Drake''': Look, let me finish, okay? I was wrong, okay? I was wrong. :'''Josh''': What do you mean? :'''Drake''': I-I need you more than you need me. Uh, I-I need you ''way more'' than you need me, a-alright? I'm sorry. M-Man, I'm sorry I made you late for your exam, and I'm sorry I ran over your bike, and I, uh-- I-I'm sorry, I'm probably the worst brother in the world! And y-you know, you're way better off without me, you know? I just-- I just need you to understand that-- uh, I just-- Sorry, Josh, I'm sorry. ''[tearfully walks out of the classroom, leaving Josh stunned]'' :'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, would you like to go talk to Drake? :'''Josh''': ''[realizes he has gone a little too far for cutting Drake out of his life, seeing how he learned his lesson the hard way]'' No. No, sir. :'''Mr. Roland''': Alright. Class, let's get back to our experiments. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Drake miserably tries to play ping-pong alone, Josh runs in with a kung fu yell, ready to forgive his brother]'' :'''Josh''': Hoaw! We have unfinished business, Young Szechuan. :'''Drake''': Josh…. :'''Josh''': Wa-cho! You will address me only as Master Monguku. ''[Drake cheers up as Josh, smiling back, picks up his paddle]'' :'''Drake''': Your words, they are strong. Uh, but your skills are weak! :'''Josh''': Your foolishness, Young Szechuan, has sealed your fate! :'''Drake''': Aw, destiny is mine! ''[They both play ping-pong ball together with kung-fu yells at every swing and reconcile again happily as the episode ends]'' ===Eric Punches Drake=== :'''Mr. Roland''': Josh, Mindy. The new chemistry textbooks just arrived. They're in my classroom. :'''Mindy''': No way! :'''Josh''': Oh, come on! :'''Craig''': Hey, remember in Dragon to Death when Billy Chang fights Joaquin the Dream? :'''Eric''': Remember? One does not forget the woo-choo fist of silence. ''[Tries to demonstrate, only to accidentally punch Drake in the eye and knock him out in the process]'' Oh, my God! :'''Craig''': Drake, are you alright!? <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Josh''': Hey, Craig. :'''Craig''': Evenin'. :'''Josh''': Where's Eric? :'''Craig''': Oh, he didn't wanna come. He was afraid Drake might be mad at him 'cause he punched him in the eye. :'''Josh''': He's not mad. Drake, you're not mad, are you? :'''Drake''': Nah, I'm not mad. Craig didn't mean to hit me. :'''Craig''': I'M Craig. :'''Drake''': ''[scoffs]'' It matters. <hr width =50%> :''[door bell rings]'' :'''Josh''': Yo, Drake, get that! :'''Drake''': Got it. ''[opens the door and finds Mindy there]'' Oh, is it Halloween already? Aren't you a scary, little witch? :'''Mindy''': Oh, look at your black eye. Well, I hope it hurts. :'''Drake''': You shebeast. :'''Mindy''': Microbrain. :'''Drake''': Weirdface. :'''Mindy''': Ignoramus. :'''Drake''': ''[beat]'' What? :'''Mindy''': Exactly. :'''Chad''': Hey. :'''Mindy''': Oh, hey. :'''Chad''': Sorry, I had to park the car at the bottom of the hill. :'''Mindy''': Oh, no problem. Step aside. ''[both walk inside. Drake suspects Chad to be Mindy's new boyfriend and goes into the kitchen, while Josh and Craig set up the projector]'' :'''Drake''': JOSH! :'''Josh''': ''[jumps, accidentally flips the projector]'' Aw, now I gotta reset the white balance. :'''Drake''': No, I need to talk to you! ''[to Craig]'' Get out. ''[Craig walks out]'' :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': Mindy's here. :'''Josh''': I know, I invited her. :'''Drake''': Did you invite ''him?'' ''[turns Josh's head around towards Chad]'' :'''Josh''': Who's him? :'''Drake''': Her date. :'''Josh''': ''[shudders]'' I don't care. :'''Drake''': Yes, you do. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Drake''': Hey, Clayton. :'''Clayton''': ''[mumbling]'' Hi. :''[Drake sips his mouth-wash, then takes Clayton's water bottle, spits in it, and gives it back to him (possibly as revenge for Drake's chemical incident in the previous episode), to Clayton's disgust. 3 students walk behind Drake, laughing at him]'' :'''Drake''': Hello? :'''Boy''': ''[sees Drake's black eye]'' It's true. :'''Drake''': Oh, the black eye? Yeah, a little accident. :'''Boy''': That's not what we heard. :'''Drake''': And what did you hear? :'''Boy''': That you were making fun of Eric's sister. :'''Girl''': Hey, Drake. I heard you got punched by a nerd. :'''Drake''': IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! ''[walks up to Eric]'' Eric?! <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me, Josh. :'''Josh''': What? :'''Crazy Steve''': I notice you're stacking that candy in an angry way. :'''Josh''': I AM angry. Alright, Mindy's over there with her new boyfriend, rubbing him right in my face. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Craig''': ''[pops up from the dumpster]'' Hello. :'''Drake''': ''[screams]'' Craig? :'''Craig''': Are you alone? :'''Drake''': Yeah, I'm alone. :'''Craig''': Good. ''[holds out a bag of pork rinds]'' Pork rind? :'''Drake''': Sure. ''[takes a pork rind from the bag and starts eating it]'' So you're the one that sent the blimp? :'''Craig''': That's right. :'''Drake''': ''[concerned]'' Why would you wanna take down Eric? He's your best friend. :'''Craig''': WAS my best friend. Now that Eric's Mr. Popular pants and has a hot girlfriend, he doesn't give a rat's hat about me. :'''Drake''': Rat's hat? :'''Craig''': ''[furious]'' He's forgotten that I am the one who's been his best friend since we were 7 years old. That I'm the one who dried his tears when his iguana got diabetes. That I-- :'''Drake''': ''[He interrupts Craig]'' Okay, Okay, I get it, get it, get it. Just tell me how to stop him. :'''Craig''': Ok, but first you have to promise me something. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Craig''': I love to sing. :'''Drake''': ''[confused, steps aside]'' And? :'''Craig''': And you're like a professional singer. :'''Drake''': ''[still confused]'' You wanna sing a song with me? :'''Craig''': I've wanted this for a long time. :'''Drake''': Ok, ok, if you help me prove Eric's a liar, you can sing a song with me. :'''Craig''': Excellent. Now, listen carefully. Eric, is a pacifist. :'''Drake''': I thought he was Jewish. :'''Craig''': A pacifist is someone who refuses to fight. :'''Drake''': Okay... :'''Craig''': So, if you insult Eric in front of a bunch of people, he won't fight back, and then everyone will know he was lying about standing up to you. :'''Drake''': Uh-huh. :'''Craig''': And then he won't be popular anymore which means he'll come crawling back to me. And don't forget our song. :'''Drake''': I won't forget the song. :'''Craig''': Good, I'll start practicing. :''[Drake walks away while Craig starts singing in the dumpster behind the school's cafeteria]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': ''[he stops the argument about stacks of cards]'' Okay, you know what? You know what? Enough with the cards, alright? I got big problems. :'''Josh''': What, that Eric thing? :'''Drake''': Yeah, he's lying to everybody and ruining my life just to make himself popular. But you know what? :'''Josh''': What? :'''Drake''': I'm gonna go find Eric and punch him right in his little nerdy head! :'''Josh''': You don't want to do that. ''[grabs him]'' :'''Drake''': Then give me a one good reason. :'''Josh''': 'Cause it's not gonna help you, alright? It's just gonna make you look worse. You're gonna have handle these things maturely. :'''Drake''': Kinda like you do with Mindy? :'''Josh''': DIFFERENT! ''[crosses his arms]'' :'''Drake''': It's not different? :'''Josh''': Mindy rubbing a new boyfriend in my face is an outrage. OUTRAGE! :'''Drake''': And Eric wrecking my life isn't? :'''Josh''': I'm not saying it's not bro, but look you gotta help me with-- ''[the doorbell interrupts them as Drake opens the door and Clayton talks to Drake and Josh about what Drake did to his water]'' :'''Clayton''': ''[worried, mumbling]'' Why? :''[Josh points to Drake and tells him to close the door. Drake awkwardly locks the door as he and Josh cool off]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chad''': Do you guys have free refills on the ginger ale? :'''Josh''': ''[insanely mad]'' Oh, you want some ginger ale, do you? Yeah, Chad can't get enough of his precious ginger ale. Oh, no! Well, I'll tell you what, Chad, why not call up the ginger ale headquarters and have them back up a tanker truck to your mouth, so Chad can drink ginger ale til' there's no more ginger ale for the REST OF THE EARTH'S POPULATION!!!! ===Megan's Revenge=== :''[Drake and Josh are in Megan's room]'' :'''Drake''': Now, put Megan's camera back where you found this. Being in her room creeps me out. :'''Josh''': Yeah, me, too. ''[looks at Megan's hamster]'' Awww. Look at Megan's hamster. He's washing his little face. :'''Drake''': Look, let's just get out of here. :'''Josh''': Just wait. This is too cute. I gotta get a picture of him. :'''Drake''': Well, hurry. :'''Josh''': Okay! Smile, Hervay. :''[Hervay falls down from the camera shot Josh took]'' :'''Drake''': Awww. He's playing dead. :'''Josh''': I think he really is dead! :'''Drake''': Oh! That hamster cannot be dead. If that hamster is dead, we're dead because Megan’s gonna kill us! :'''Josh''': W-W-What can I do about it? :'''Drake''': I don't know you watch o.r.! Fix him. :'''Josh''': Okay, okay. Um, alright, I need a CBC, uh, a chem seven chest phone. :'''Drake''': Just give him CPR! :'''Josh''': ''[whining]'' Oh Alright! ''[takes out Hervay from his cage]'' Stay with me buddy, stay with me! :'''Drake''': Okay. :'''Josh''': ''[blows on Hervay's mouth]'' 1 1,000 , 2 1,000 , 3 1,000 , BREATHE! ''[blows on Hervay's mouth again and tries to pick him up but fails]'' That's it. 10:22, I'm calling it! :'''Drake''': NO! ''[runs up to Hervay and blows his mouth]'' :'''Josh''': ''[Grabs Drake backwards]'' HE'S GONE! :'''Drake''': Josh, Megan is going to kill us! :'''Josh''': Maybe she won't. Maybe she'll understand. :'''Drake''': Think about it. Megan does horrible horrible things to us every day for no reason. Now, SHE HAS A REASON! :'''Josh''': WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! :''[Drake quickly puts the camera in her drawer and Josh puts Hervay back in his cage and spins his running wheel as they leave Megan's room fast]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': She got us, by not getting us. :'''Josh''': Genius. <hr width=50%> :''[Megan uses a remote to create a hole on the floor to make Drake and Josh fall to the garage from their bedroom]'' :'''Megan''': Okay, that was good revenge, too. And by the way, you didn't kill Hervay. The camera flash just stunned him. He's fine, see? ''[shows Drake and Josh her pet hamster Hervay who is still alive]'' :'''Drake and Josh''': MEGAN! ===Steered Straight=== :'''Josh''': Man, we can't get into the Reptile Room ''[nightclub]''. You have to be over 21. :'''Drake''': You are, Mr... ''[pulls out fake ID]'' Yakitori! :'''Josh''': ''[takes fake ID and looks at it]'' What's this? :'''Drake''': Fake ID, here, check mine out. ''[takes out his own fake ID and gives it to Josh]'' :'''Josh''': ''[reads the name on Drake's fake ID]'' Jefferson Steelflex? :'''Drake''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, made it up. :'''Josh''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, REALLY! So you're suggesting that we use fake IDs to get into a nightclub posing as... ''[reads the names on the IDs again]'' Jefferson Steelflex and Alvin Yakitori? :'''Drake''': Yep. And, hey, we gotta be there before 10:30 because I'm pretty sure... :'''Josh''': It's illegal to use fake IDs! :'''Drake''': Yeah, well, it's illegal to rob banks, but people do it! :'''Josh''': Yes, people who are BANK ROBBERS! <hr width=50%/> :'''Blaze''': What's this? :'''Josh''': That's a grapefruit. :'''Blaze''': ''[eats the grapefruit]'' It's a little sour. Good thing I always carry around a little sugar with me. ''[puts sugar on the grapefruit]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after Blaze has gone]'' :'''Josh''': Are you CRAZY?! What if Mom, Dad or Megan are downstairs? :'''Drake''': Look, both of the cars are gone, alright? So nobody's home. :'''Josh''': Good. Oh, quick. Quick, let's call the cops before he comes back. :'''Drake''': Yeah, right, right, right, right. :'''Josh''': Okay. :'''Drake''': Uh... :'''Josh''': Uh, alright. ''[pushes the phone with his head and he and Drake struggle to call the police]'' Alright, work together. Teamwork. :'''Drake''': Okay. :'''Josh''': Teamwork. :'''Drake''': Alright. :'''Josh''': To the left. :'''Drake''': Ow! :'''Josh''': To the-- :'''Drake''': Grab it. :'''Josh''': Alright. ''[the phone slides away from him and Drake]'' Teamworking. :'''Drake''': Grab it. Alright, press the 9, man. :'''Josh''': Oh, this isn't gonna work. :'''Drake''': Alright. Fine, fine, here. ''[puts it behind him]'' I'll hold it behind my back, you dial it with your nose. :'''Josh''': I'm not sticking my nose down there. :'''Drake''': Would you rather take your chances with a vicious criminal? :'''Josh''': I think so. :'''Drake''': Oh, just dial the number. :'''Josh''': Alright. ''[presses the 9 button with his nose]'' 9. ''[then the 1 button]'' 1. :''[sneezes on the phone and Drake lets go of it]'' :'''Drake''': Aw, man. You sneezed on my palm. :'''Josh''': It is allergy season. <hr width=50%> :'''Blaze''': What was that? :'''Criminal #1''': It sounded like a car door. :'''Criminal #2''': It's some goofy-looking dude in a really bad shirt. :'''Drake and Josh''': Dad. ===Megan's First Kiss=== :'''Josh''': ''[after tapping a jar of pickles with a knife and glass goes everywhere]'' Thanks for the tip, dad! :'''Drake''': Josh! Josh! ''[trips on the glass]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Megan''': Um, what are you doing this Saturday night? :'''Drake''': Going to a concert at the Mega Dome. :'''Josh''': Why? :'''Drake''': 'Cause we bought tickets. :'''Josh''': ''[to Drake]'' Not you! ''[to Megan]'' Why do you wanna know what we're doing Saturday night? :'''Megan''': I don't care what you're doing. :'''Drake''': But you just asked us. :'''Megan''': Or, maybe you, just asked yourselves! Yeah. Think about that... ''[Megan leaves their room smiling smugily]'' :'''Drake''': Okay I wanna know what her deal is! :'''Josh''': Yeah, yeah, yeah she's up to something! :'''Drake''': Yeah, first she hangs up the phone, pretends to not be talking to anybody. :'''Josh''': Yeah, and she measures our necks and asks of our social plans. :'''Drake''': Wait, she said we asked ourselves about that. :'''Josh''': Really, you're not a smart boy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake and Josh walk into the Premiere disguised as Jews]'' :'''Drake''': Okay, all I'm saying is, the next time we need disguises, I'm getting them! :'''Josh''': I told you, the costume shop was closed, the temple was open! And these are good disguises. :'''Drake''': I don't even know what accent to talk with. :'''Josh''': Doesn't matter, just sound foreign. :'''Helen''': Can I help you gentlemen find something? :'''Josh''': ''[Irish accent]'' Top of the mornin' to ya, how are ya? Potata! :'''Helen''': Potato? :'''Drake''': ''[Irish accent]'' Come along, Pontiac. :'''Josh''': Yes, let's go observe the mulberry bush! :'''Drake''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! :'''Helen''': Pip pip da doodly-doo! I'm gonna start sayin' that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Drake! Drake! Wait until you hear this! ''[crashes into door and then recovers, walking in]'' You are not gonna believe this! Whoa, man! You are not gonna believe this! :'''Drake''': Mrs. Hayfer died?! :'''Josh''': No! Corey has a girlfriend! :'''Drake''': Yeah, I know. He's with Megan. That's why we gave him our pants. :'''Josh''': ''Another'' girlfriend. :'''Drake''': What?! :'''Josh''': You heard my words! That Corey's a little two-timing, girl-kissing, Japanese candy-giving jerk! :'''Drake''': What is so special about Japanese candy? :'''Josh''': Oh, it's a big deal. Now what are we gonna do about this? :'''Drake''': We're gonna tell Megan. That's what we're gonna do. :'''Josh''': No! :'''Drake''': Yes! :'''Josh''': We can't go to Megan with this. :'''Drake''': We could if you'd let go of my shirt! :'''Josh''': Look, if we tell Megan, she's gonna think we're making it up. She's gonna think we're lying just to keep her from dating Corey. :'''Drake''': Oh, man. You're probably right. So what are we gonna do? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lady''': That's them, those 2 men from Ireland! :'''Helen''': Stop the film! :'''Crazy Steve''': WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?!?! :'''Corey''': These 2 freaks just tried to steal my popcorn and then sat on my girlfriend! :'''Drake''': Ah, she's too young to be havin' a boyfriend! :'''Josh''': She's just a wee-er! :'''Drake''': Wee! :'''Megan''': Wait a minute... ''[rips off their fake beards]'' What are you boobs doing here?! :'''Corey''': Who are they? :'''Megan''': My idiot brothers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': ''[happily kisses Drake and Josh's cheeks]'' I love you guys. :'''Drake''': ''[injured]'' Dude, you're crying. :'''Josh''': ''[injured]'' He kicked me in the throat. ===The Battle of Panthatar=== :''[Opening comments: Drake and Josh ask the viewers random questions]'' :'''Drake''': ''(happily)'' Hello, what's your name? :'''Josh''': ''(happily)'' Hi! Who are you? :'''Drake''': What is your favorite thing to eat? :'''Josh''': What games do you like to play? :'''Drake and Josh''': ''(happily)'' Me, too! :'''Drake''': Hey, do you like me? :'''Josh''': Do you wanna be my friend? ''(Smiles creepily)'' :'''Drake''': Aw, thank you! :'''Josh''': ''(offended)'' What is that supposed to mean? :'''Drake''': You think I'm handsome? What a special thing to say! :'''Josh''': ''(outraged)'' What? Who are you calling a dork? Hey hey hey hey! Go get your mother! Yeah I'm talking to you! :'''Drake''': A present? For me? :'''Josh''': Alright just put your kid right in front of the TV set because I have a few things to say! :'''Drake''': ''[holding a plate of cookies]'' A plate of cookies? Ohh, yummy! :'''Josh''': I-I think it's pretty rude to tell a person that he's a --''[offscreen boy spits in his eye]''... did you just... you spit in my eye! :'''Drake''': Mmm... these are my favorite! :'''Josh''': Ohh, it burns! Aghh! Aghh! <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': I'm so mad! :'''Josh''': Yes, I can tell by your violent banana-chewing. <hr width=50%> :'''Thornton''': What's up, Nicholas? <hr width=50%> :'''Thronton''': ''[finds Maria and Drake kissing each other; enraged]'' MARIA!!! :'''Maria''': Thronton! :'''Josh''': Free popcorn??? :'''Thronton''': What are you doing, Parker!? :'''Drake''': Kissin' a girl, what are you doin'? :'''Thronton''': You were kissing my girlfriend! :'''Drake''': Oh, ya know, that reminds me of a funny story- :'''Thronton''': What's the matter with you!? :'''Maria''': I'm sorry! He's just an awesome kisser. :'''Josh''': Ah, no, he's not, no, he's not! Thronton, you're way better! Kiss 'em, kiss 'em right now! :'''Thronton''': Not a chance! We are ''over!'' :'''Drake''': Aw, c'mon, Thronton! :'''Thronton''': And ''you'', you are uninvited to my birthday party! :'''Drake''': Wha- Hey! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! I didn't know she was your girlfriend! :'''Josh''': Yeah, he didn't know she was your girlfriend! :'''Thronton''': ''You, too!'' Uninvited! :'''Josh''': ''[sobs]'' AUGH! THAT'S NOT FAIR! :'''Crazy Steve''': Excuse me! No yelling in the theater area. :'''Lady''': ''[taps Steve's shoulder]'' Excuse me, where's the ladies' restroom? :'''Crazy Steve''': '''I AM TALKING TO PEOPLE!''' :'''Thornton''': '''''UNINVITED!!!''''' ''[storms away]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Drake enters his and Josh's room]'' :'''Drake''': Hey. :'''Josh''': Well? Did you go to Thornton's house? Did you apologize? :'''Drake''': Yeah, I went to Thornton's house, and I apologized. :'''Josh''': Well, perfect, and? :'''Drake''': He had his housekeeper kick me out, then he hit me with a broom, and I fell down some brick stairs. :'''Josh''': ''[groans]'' I really wanted to go to that party. Why do you ruin everything? :'''Drake''': Don't worry, alright? I'm gonna figure a way to get even with that Thornton. :'''Josh''': I don't wanna get even. ''[whining]'' I WANNA GO TO THAT BIRTHDAY PARTY! :'''Drake''': Bro, Thornton hates us. :'''Josh''': Well, let's make him love us again. :'''Drake''': I tried. :'''Josh''': Well, maybe we can... ''[notices Drake's autographed [[The Beatles|Beatles]] ''Abbey Road'' album]'' Hey. Isn't Thornton a huge Beatles fan? :'''Drake''': Well, yeah, but I don't see what that has to do-- [realizes what Josh means] Oh, no, no. No way. ''[hides it in his arms]'' Don't even think about it. :'''Josh''': I'm telling you, if we give him that album-- :'''Drake''': Absolutely not. :'''Josh''': I guarantee you he'll re-invite us. :'''Drake''': Dude, I love this album more than I love myself. :'''Josh''': Dude. :'''Drake''': Okay, but I love this album a lot. <hr width=50%> :'''Megan''': Can I bring a couple of guests? :'''Guard''': Sure. :'''Megan''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' No. <hr width=50%> :'''Thornton''': Hey, what are they doing here? They're not invited. :'''Guard''': Yes, sir. I was just telling them that. <hr width=50%> :'''Thornton''': Hey! Drake and Josh are not invited! I want them outta here! :'''Drake''': ''(angrily)'' No! ''(Grabs a lightsaber prop)'' Not until I get my Beatles album back! <hr width=50%> :''[after giving Drake's Beatles album as a birthday present to Thornton, but being denied entry to his party, Drake glares at Josh]'' :'''Josh''': Will you quit looking at me like that?! :'''Drake''': No! I'm gonna continue looking at you like this for several more minutes. ''[Drake angrily widens his eyes and glares at Josh harder]'' ===[[w:Really Big Shrimp|Really Big Shrimp]]=== <small>Note: This episode was an hour long.</small> :''[Drake and Josh reintroduce themselves from the pilot episode]'' :'''Drake''': My name's Drake Parker. :'''Josh''': I'm Josh Nichols. :'''Drake''': I should probably be doing my homework. :'''Josh''': I'm just doing a little homework here. :'''Drake''': You know there's an old song by the stones it you can't always get what you want. :'''Josh''': Drake always get what he wants. :'''Drake''': But I usually get what I want. :'''Josh''': I guess Drake's one of those guys who has a lucky star. :'''Drake''': Josh may think I'm a lucky one but I bet you things start going his way. The one thing that I can always count on. :'''Josh''': But one thing I know for sure. :'''Drake''': Whenever I hang out with Josh. :'''Josh''': Whenever I get mixed up with Drake. :'''Drake and Josh''': Things always turn out. :'''Drake''': Unusual. :'''Josh''': Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crazy Steve''': ''[looks at his watch]'' It's time! ''[he steals old man's cane and starts chasing Josh]'' You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': There was no note! :'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': There was no note! :'''Crazy Steve''': You ate my enchilada! :'''Josh''': I thought we settled this! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Audrey''': ''[hears doorbell; talking about Helen and Lula]'' Walter, she's here. :'''Walter''': Ooh. ''[walks before the front door]'' :'''Drake''': Who's here? :'''Audrey''': Helen, with her grandmother. :''[Drake, Josh, and Megan groan]'' :'''Walter''': Hey! Can we have a better attitude about this? We're doing a nice thing for a sweet old lady. ''[Lula breaks the door in] '' :'''Lula''': Where's the bathroom?! :'''Audrey''': Did you just break our door in?! :'''Lula''': I rang the doorbell, I waited 25 seconds, nobody came, what was I supposed to do? :'''Josh''': Maybe ring the bell again. :'''Lula''': ''[to Helen]'' Who's that boy with a big head that looks like a tooth pick with a cantaloupe on top? ''[Megan laughs and Josh give her a furious look]'' :'''Megan''': What, are we gonna pretend that wasn't funny? :'''Helen''': Lula, that's Josh, he works with me at the Premeire. ''[introduces everyone else]'' That's Drake, I prefer him. That's Megan, Ms. Parker (Audrey), and this is...''[forgets who Walter is]'' :'''Walter''': Walter! :'''Audrey''': And uh, what do we call you? :'''Lula''': Lula. Where's the bathroom? :'''Audrey''': Right there through that door. :'''Lula''': Well, thank you for finally giving me that information! ''[walks into bathroom and slams door]'' :'''Audrey''': Is she always so--? :'''Helen''': Buh-bye! ''[goes away]'' :'''Megan''': I can't believe that lady is staying in our guest room for a week. :'''Walter''': She's not, she's staying in your room. :'''Megan''': What?! :'''Audrey''': You're gonna stay in the boys' room. :'''Drake, Josh and Megan''': What?! :'''Josh''': This is an outrage! :'''Drake''': Where are we gonna stay? :'''Walter''': ''[to Drake and Josh]'' Your room is huge. The three of you will be fine for a week. :'''Megan''': Aw, this is horrible. :'''Walter''': It's not that bad. <hr width="50%"> :''[Alan Kirm plays his auto-tuned made version of Drake's song after tricking Josh into signing away creative rights, the boys are displeased]'' :'''Alan''': What do you think? :'''Josh''': Uh, well.... :'''Drake''': I hate it! :'''Alan''': ''[stops the song playing]'' You hate it? :'''Drake''': Yeah, that's not even my song. What'd you do to it? :'''Alan''': Uh, we just had our best mixers and producers work on it 6 days straight. It's great. :'''Josh''': But it's not the song you said you like. :'''Alan''': Yeah, it is. It's just been improved. :'''Drake''': No, it's been ruined! :'''Josh''': Drake... :'''Drake''': Look, don't "Drake" me! They can't do that to my song! :'''Alan''': Sure, we can. We have a signed contract that gives us complete creative control. :'''Drake''': Look, no, you don't! I didn't sign any contract. :'''Alan''': Your manager did. :'''Drake''': ''[turns to Josh, who realizes his mistake]'' You signed a contract? :'''Josh''': ''[meekly, feeling bad and nervous]'' Uh... :'''Alan''': We'll let you guys discuss this privately. :''[Alan and the others leave the room, while an enraged Drake gives a nervous Josh a bitter look]'' :'''Josh''': Don't be mad... :'''Drake''': ''[furious]'' OH, I AM WAY PAST MAD! :'''Josh''': I made a mistake. :'''Drake''': How could you sign away creative control of my song?! :'''Josh''': I was mesmerized by a giant shrimp! :'''Drake''': You didn't read the contract, did you? How could you sign a contract without reading it?! :'''Josh''': He said it was the standard stuff. :'''Drake''': OH my god! :'''Josh''': ''[stuttering]'' M-M-M-Maybe I can fix this, alright? I'll go talk to Alan as your manager. :'''Drake''': No, you won't! :'''Josh''': Look, maybe I could fix-- :'''Drake''': No, you're not my manager anymore, alright?! YOU'RE FIRED! I mean it! :''[Without another word, Josh sadly leaves the room, while Drake sits down and sulks]'' :'''Drake''': Man, I have a headache. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The boys sleep on the mattress; Drake wakes up to find himself hugging Josh's foot against his face. He yells, and Josh wakes up in alarm]'' :'''Josh''': Why are you screaming? :'''Drake''': 'Cause there was a big, hairy foot in my face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Megan''': Fine, I'll tell him. Josh, Molly thinks you're cute. :'''Megan's Friends''': Eww! :''[Josh walks out of the room]'' :'''Molly''': Call me!! :'''Megan's Friends''': Eww! :''[Josh peeks his head back through the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Josh''': Stupid big shrimp. This is all your fault! ''[take 1 shrimp in his mouth, and spits it out]'' ''Tell your friends!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drake arrives home]'' :'''Audrey''': Super Bowl's on. :'''Drake''': I don't care. :'''Josh''': Come on, the commercial's up in about 2 minutes. You gotta watch. It's your song. :'''Drake''': It's not my song. It's horrible bubble-gum pop garbage-y badness. That 50,000,000 people are about to hear. I'll be on the roof. :'''Josh''': Why? :'''Drake''': Because you're not there. ''[walks away]'' :'''Josh''': Drake! ''[runs after to Drake]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Man, I don't understand. Why would they end up using my version of the song? :'''Josh''': Like you said, bro. Sometimes, when people play dirty, you gotta play dirty back! :'''Drake''': You put fruit flies in Alan Krim's car? :'''Josh''': Better! I switched the CDs. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mindy''': ''[yells; panicked after crazy Steve goes insane]'' Help! Crazy Steve's gone berserk! :'''Josh & Helen''': Crazy Steve!? :'''Mindy''': WHO ELSE!? :'''Josh''': But it's Monday, you can't schedule crazy Steve to work on a Monday! :'''Helen''': Monday's his '''''bad''''' day! :'''Mindy''': Well, no-one TOLD me that! :'''Crazy Steve''': COCK-CA-DOODLE-DOO, THE COW SAYS MOO!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Josh successfully calms crazy Steve down]'' :'''Mindy''': You handled that really well, better than I did. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nick Mateo''': Which 1 of you switched the song? :'''Drake''': ''[feeling bad for being angry and mean to Josh, shares the blame]'' I did. :'''Josh''': I did. :'''Drake''': We both did! Okay? :'''Alan''': Well, guess what. There's rules and laws about television broadcasting. We can turn you into the FCC for what you did! :'''Nick''': Yup, you guys could be in a lot of trouble. ''[smiles]'' But you're not. :'''Drake''': We're not? :'''Alan''': They're not? :'''Josh''': What are you? :'''Nick''': In the last 24 hours, we've over 30,000 emails and phone calls from fans wanting to buy your song. This morning, we made the song available on the Spin City Website. There were so many downloads, it crashed our server. Drake Parker, I think you're about to have yourself a #1 hit. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alan''': Okay, wait a second. These guys just totally scammed us, and you're gonna reward them for it? :'''Nick''': They ''had'' to scam us, 'cause you tried to ruined a very good song. Which is why you're fired! :'''Alan''': What!? ''[Drake and Josh smile]'' You can't fire me! Our wives play golf together. :'''Nick''': Your wife cheats. Now, get out! ''[Alan storms away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crazy Steve''': Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out... :'''Lula''': ''[annoyed]'' I know how to breathe! :'''Crazy Steve''': ''[screaming]'' '''''JUST DO WHAT I SAY!''''' :'''Lula''': ''[scared]'' Okay. :'''Eric''': What did you do!? :'''Craig''': I just plugged in the 5-K! :'''Helen''': I'll PLUG IN YOUR 5-K!!! ''[grabs Craig's head]'' :'''Craig''': ''[screams]'' She's got my head! She's got my head! She's got my head! ''[others take Helen off of him]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drake''': Alright, this song is for Helen and Buzz, and my manager, Josh Nichols. ''[rehires Josh as his manager]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[ending from The Amanda Show]'' :'''Drake''': I want the shrimp. :'''Josh''': I want it. :'''Drake''': ''[snatches the shrimp]'' ''I'' want it! ===Helicopter=== :'''Drake''': Uh, who is this guy? :'''Dave''': Who? :'''Josh''': ''You!'' :'''Dave''': I'm Dave. <hr width=50%/> :'''Vince''': ''[giving a lesson on skydiving]'' First you're gonna squat. Then your gonna pray, then leap, ahhhh... :'''Drake''': Ahhhh? :'''Vince''': That's what you're gonna yell on the way down. :'''Drake''': Ahh. :'''Vince''': Ahhhh! :'''Drake''': Ahhhh! :'''Vince''': Then, touchdown. :'''Drake''': Touchdown. :'''Vince''': That's S.P.L.A.T.. :'''Drake''': That's spelled splat. :'''Vince''': Oh, man. <hr width=50%/> :''[Drake and Josh try to wake up Vince after he was knocked unconscious by a fire extinguisher]'' :'''Josh''': Hey, hey. He's awake. :'''Drake''': You're awake! :'''Vince''': ''[wakes up]'' Oh, what happened? How long I been out? :'''Drake''': About 10 minutes. :'''Vince''': Oh, I remember. You clowns were fighting over this parachute. ''[holds his head]'' Oh, what'd I hit my head on? :'''Josh''': This fire extinguisher. :'''Vince''': Oh. :'''Josh''': See, I'm pretty sure you hit your head right on this lever-- ''[accidentally sprays Vince with a fire extinguisher; Vince screams outside]'' :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' Do you know what you just did?! :'''Josh''': ''[worried]'' I extinguished our pilot? :'''Drake''': ''[angrily]'' No, he has a parachute! You've extinguished us! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': What are we gonna do? :'''Drake''': I'm gonna fly this helicopter, you've seen me play Helicopter Rescue. :'''Josh''': What? That's a video game. :'''Drake''': So? If I could land a military helicopter on the Empire State Building, rescue the princess while a giant lobster shoots rockets at me, I think I can land this thing on a freeway, alright? :'''Josh''': I won't argue with that logic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Control tower manager''': ''[over radio]'' Control Tower to Chopper 9065, Control Tower to Chopper 9065. :'''Drake''': 9065, that's us! :'''Josh''': Yes, yes! Grab the mike, grab the mic. :'''Drake''': ''[grabs hold of the mike]'' Uh, hello, hello, Control Tower, this is Chopper 9065. Help, help! Can you hear me? :'''Control tower manager''': ''[over radio]'' Yeah, yeah. Loud and clear. :'''Drake''': Look, we're 7,000 feet, we got no pilot, and I don't know how to land this thing! :'''Control tower manager''': ''[over radio]'' Alright, alright, alright. Tell me where you are. :'''Drake''': In a helicopter! :'''Control tower manager''': ''[over radio]'' I realize that, I need to get a bearing on your location. :'''Josh''': Look down, look down. :'''Drake''': Okay, okay, I see, uh... Uh, uh, a church, and the ocean to my left, uh... ''[the radio snaps off and the mike flies out of his hand]'' I see-- A RADIO :'''PLUMMETING TO EARTH?! <hr width=50%/> :'''Josh''': I'll call Mom and Dad. :'''Drake''': No! :'''Josh''': Why not?! :'''Drake''': Well, because if they know I'm up in this helicopter, I'm gonna get grounded. :'''Josh''': Okay, if we don't get help, we're gonna become ''PART'' of the ground!! :'''Drake''': Well, can't you call the fire department? :'''Josh''': Yeah. Yeah, I'm thinking they don't have a 7,000-foot LADDER! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': It's the fuel gauge! We're on E. :'''Josh''': Well, maybe E means extra fuel! TELL ME E MEANS EXTRA FUEL! :'''Drake''': E means empty, dude; we're out of fuel! :'''Josh''': AUUGGGHHH! ''[gets in praying position''] Dear Savior, I am sorry about the time I was 5 years old and stole that piece of bubblegum. I am sorry about the time I watched that pretty lady's laundry spin in the dryer at the laundromat. I'm sorry-- :'''Drake''': Will you stop that? We're gonna get out of this! :'''Josh''': HEY NOW, HEY NOW! DON'T DREAM '''IT'S OVER!!!''' :'''Drake''': Would you STOP IT?! :'''Josh''': What are you looking for? :'''Drake''': Uh! Hey! Parachute! :'''Josh''': Oh, a parachute. But, there's only one. :'''Drake''': Okay. I'll take it and bring back help. :'''Josh''': What? What kind of help are you gonna bring back, a dive team to locate my corpse? Okay, we'll jump together. :'''Drake''': What? :'''Josh''': ''[putting the parachute on]'' Yeah, okay? I'll put this on, you hold onto me, and we jump, alright? :'''Drake''': Uh... ''[looks down 7,000 feet to the ocean]'' :'''Josh''': Drake, you ready? :'''Drake''': Uh, no, no. I'm not jumping with you, Josh. :'''Josh''': Yeah, you are. :'''Drake''': No, I'm not. :'''Josh''': Why not? :'''Drake''': Look, just jump, okay? Go. :'''Josh''': What's wrong with you? :'''Drake''': I'm-- I'm afraid, alright? :'''Josh''': You were just about to jump out by yourself. :'''Drake''': I know, but then I looked down, saw how high we are, peed a little bit, and I ain't jumping, Josh! :'''Josh''': You're going, alright? :'''Drake''': No, I'm not. Look, look, we're on E, okay? Just jump out! :'''Josh''': Oh, I'm going, and you're coming with me! ''[hooks the parachute to one of Drake's straps, they scream and jump out of the helicopter all the way down the ocean as Josh pulls the cord of the parachute and it opens up]'' It opened! Ha-ha! :'''Drake''': You're touching my butt. :'''Josh''': Oh, sorry. <hr width=50%/> :'''Megan''': ''[while playing with dominos at home]'' Great present, Walter. ''[Drake and Josh come home and confront her]'' What? :'''Josh''': You hung up on us. :'''Drake''': When we were in a helicopter alone, running out of fuel. :'''Megan''': What's your point? :'''Josh''': We had to jump out. :'''Drake''': With one parachute. :'''Josh''': We barely made it. :'''Drake''': We had to swim 2 miles, :'''Josh''': Until we were rescued by a tuna boat. :'''Megan''': Did you bring me some tuna? :'''Josh''': Come over here! ''[Megan screams as Audrey and Walter come home]'' Come here! :'''Megan''': Mom, Walter, you're home, how nice. :'''Audrey''': Hi, baby. :'''Walter''': Hey, Megan. So how was the water park? :'''Drake''': Oh, you know, fun, wet. :'''Josh''': I had a churro. :''[Vince doorbells and angrily arrives at Drake and Josh's house]'' :'''Drake''': I'll get it! :'''Josh''': I call knob! :''[Drake and Josh are shocked that Vince stopped by the house, much to their horror]'' :'''Vince''': You blasted me out of my own helicopter. :'''Drake & Josh''': Wha-- Shh! :'''Drake''': Not in front of our parents. :'''Audrey''': Who is it? :'''Drake & Josh''': Uh-- :'''Drake''': Some, crazy, guy. :''[Josh whistles]'' :'''Walter''': ''[to Audrey]'' I'll handle this. ''[he walks over to Vince]'' How can I help you? :'''Vince''': Are you their father? :'''Walter''': Yes. ''[Vince angrily gives him a bill]'' What's this? :'''Vince''': ''[angrily]'' A ''BILL''. That's how much you owe me for my new helicopter. :'''Walter''': What? ''[looks at the bill Vince gave him how much he needs to pay for his helicopter]'' '''''$400,000?!''''' :''[Audrey and Megan are both shocked]'' :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Boys, you're both grounded. :'''Josh''': But Dad-- :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Grounded, 2 weeks. :'''Josh''': But it wasn't our fault! :'''Drake''': ''[as Walter]'' Upstairs. :'''Josh''': ''[defeated]'' Yes, sir. :'''Drake''': Night. :'''Josh''': Night. :''[knowing the consequences, Drake and Josh ground themselves for 2 weeks as the episode ends]'' ===Dance Contest=== :'''Eric''': So, uh, Josh, thanks for throwing me this... great party. :'''Drake''': Yeah, this is quite a party. Hope the neighbors don't call the cops on us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake''': Mom, you're alive! <hr width=50%/> :'''Stage director''': STOP IT! ''[multiple times]'' Perhaps, you ladies didn't read the rules: you fight, you're out! <hr width=50%/> :'''Drake and Josh''': ''[last lines, shocked]'' Who is she? ==External links== {{wikipedia|Drake & Josh}} [[Category:Drake & Josh seasons]] [[Category:Television show seasons]] [[Category:American television seasons]] bf3bn7sya3n3tvv8xttwyu0petxmhzb 0 178801 3944534 3943167 2026-05-23T17:03:43Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* P */ 3944534 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of films:''' ---- [[List of films (A–C)##|#]] - [[List of films (A–C)#A|A]] - [[List of films (A–C)#B|B]] - [[List of films (A–C)#C|C]] - [[List of films (D–F)#D|D]] - [[List of films (D–F)#E|E]] - [[List of films (D–F)#F|F]] - [[List of films (G–I)#G|G]] - [[List of films (G–I)#H|H]] - [[List of films (G–I)#I|I]] - [[List of films (J–L)#J|J]] - [[List of films (J-L)#K|K]] - [[List of films (J-L)#L|L]] - [[List of films (M-O)#M|M]] - [[List of films (M-O)#N|N]] - [[List of films (M-O)#O|O]] - [[List of films (P–S)#P|P]] - [[List of films (P–S)#Q|Q]] - [[List of films (P–S)#R|R]] - [[List of films (P–S)#S|S]] - [[List of films (T–V)#T|T]] - [[List of films (T–V)#U|U]] - [[List of films (T–V)#V|V]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific Rim]]'' * ''[[Pacific Rim Uprising]]'' *[[The Pacifier|''Pacifier'', ''The'']] *''[[The Package (1989 film)|Package, The]]'' (1989) *''[[Paddington (film)|Paddington]]'' * ''[[Paddington 2]]'' *''[[Padmaavat]]'' *[[The Pagemaster|''Pagemaster'', ''The'']] *[[The Painted Veil (2006 film)|''Painted Veil'', ''The'']] (2006) *''[[Palm Springs (2020 film)|Palm Springs]]'' (2020) *''[[Palm Swings (2020 film)|Palm Swings]]'' (2020) *''[[Pandorum]]'' *''[[Paparazzi]]'' *[[The Paper Chase (film)|''Paper Chase'', ''The'']] *''[[Paper Towns (film)|Paper Towns]]'' *[[The Paradine Case|''Paradine Case'', ''The'']] *[[The Parallax View|''Parallax View'', ''The'']] *''[[Paranormal Activity]]'' *[[Parasite (2019 film)|''Parasite'']] (2019) *''[[Parenthood (film)|Parenthood]]'' *[[The Parent Trap (1961_film)|''Parent Trap'', ''The'']] (1961) *[[The Parent Trap (1998_film)|''Parent Trap'', ''The'']] (1998) *[[The Party (film)|''Party'', ''The'']] *''[[Party Monster]]'' *''[[Toy Story Toons#Partysaurus Rex .5B3.5D|Partysaurus Rex]]'' *[[The Passion of the Christ|''Passion of the Christ'', ''The'']] *''[[Patch Adams (film)|''Patch Adams'']]'' *''[[Paths of Glory]]'' *[[The Patriot|''Patriot'', ''The'']] *''[[Patriot Games]]'' *''[[Patton (film)|Patton]]'' *''[[Paul Blart: Mall Cop]]'' *[[The Pawnbroker (film)|''Pawnbroker'', ''The'']] *''[[Pay It Forward]]'' *''[[Paycheck (film)|Paycheck]]'' *''[[PCU]]'' *''[[Peace on Earth (film)|''Peace on Earth'']]'' *''[[Peaceful Warrior]]'' *[[The Peacemaker|''Peacemaker'', ''The'']] *''[[Pearl (2022 film)|Pearl]]'' (2022) *[[The Pebble and the Penguin|''Pebble and the Penguin'', ''The'']] *''[[Pee-wee's Big Adventure]]'' *''[[Peggy Sue Got Married]]'' *[[The Pelican Brief (film)|''Pelican Brief'', ''The'']] *''[[Penelope (2008 film)|Penelope]]'' *''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' *''[[The People I've Slept With|People I've Slept With, The]]'' *[[The People vs. Larry Flynt|''People vs. Larry Flynt'', ''The'']] *''[[Peppa Pig: The Golden Boots]]'' *''[[Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief]]'' *''[[The Perfect Cheerleader (2019 film)|Perfect Cheerleader, The]]'' (2019) *[[The Perfect Storm|''Perfect Storm'', ''The'']] *[[The Perks of Being a Wallflower (film)|''Perks of Being a Wallflower'', ''The'']] *''[[Pet Sematary (film)|Pet Sematary]]'' *''[[Pearl (2022 film)|Pearl]] (2022) *''[[Peter Pan (1924 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1924) *''[[Peter Pan (1953 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1953) *''[[Peter Pan (2003 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (2003) *''[[Peter Pan & Wendy (2023 film)|Peter Pan & Wendy]]'' (2023) * ''[[Peter Rabbit (film)|Peter Rabbit]]'' *''[[Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway]]'' * ''[[Pete's Dragon (2016 film)|Pete's Dragon]]'' (2016) *[[The Phantom of the Opera (2004 film)|''Phantom of the Opera'', ''The'']] (2004) *''[[Phantom of the Paradise]]'' *''[[Phenomenon (film)|Phenomenon]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Philadelphia (film)|Philadelphia]]'' *[[The Philadelphia Story (1940)|''Philadelphia Story'', ''The'']] (1940) *''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' *''[[Pi (film)|Pi]]'' *[[The Piano|''Piano'', ''The'']] *''[[Pickup on South Street]]'' *''[[Pillow Talk (film)|Pillow Talk]]'' *''[[Pineapple Express]]'' *''[[Pink Flamingos]]'' *''[[Pink Floyd The Wall (film)|Pink Floyd The Wall]]'' * ''[[The Pink Panther (1963 film)|Pink Panther, The]]'' (1963) *[[The Pink Panther Strikes Again|''Pink Panther Strikes Again'', ''The'']] *''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940) *''[[Pinocchio (2022 film)]]''' (2022) *''[[Pinocchio 3000 (2004 film)|Pinocchio 3000]]'' (2004) *[[The Pirate Movie|''Pirate Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Pirate Radio (a.k.a. The Boat That Rocked)]]'' *[[The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists (film)|''Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists'', ''The'']] *[[The Pirates of Penzance (film)|''Pirates of Penzance'', ''The'']] *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]'' *[[The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie|''Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Pixels (2015 film)|Pixels]]'' (2015) *''[[Pitch Black]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect 2]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect 3]]'' *''[[Places in the Heart]]'' *''[[Plan 9 from Outer Space]]'' *''[[Planes (Film)|Planes]]'' *''[[Planes: Fire & Rescue]]'' *''[[Planes, Trains, and Automobiles]]'' *''[[Planet 51]]'' *''[[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (1968) *''[[Planet of the Apes (2001 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (2001) *''[[Plastic (2014 film)|Plastic]]'' (2014) *''[[Platoon]]'' *''[[Play Misty for Me]]'' *''[[The Player (film)|Player, The]]'' *''[[Playing By Heart]]'' *''[[Pleasantville]]'' *''[[Please Stand By]]'' *''[[Plus One (2019 film)|Plus One]]'' (2019) *''[[Pocahontas]]'' *''[[Point Break]]'' *''[[Pokemon]]'' * ''[[Pokémon Detective Pikachu]]'' *[[The Polar Express|''Polar Express'', ''The'']] *''[[Police Academy]]'' *''[[Police Woman (TV series)|Police Woman]]'' *''[[Poltergeist (film)|Poltergeist]]'' *''[[Ponette]]'' *''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' *''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' *''[[Poor Things (film)|Poor Things]]'' *''[[Pootie Tang]]'' *''[[Popeye (film)|Popeye]]'' *''[[Pope John Paul II (miniseries)|Pope John Paul II]]'' (2005) *''[[Porco Rosso]]'' *''[[Poseidon]]'' *[[The Poseidon Adventure|''Poseidon Adventure'', ''The'']] *''[[Possession]]'' *''[[The Post (film)|Post, The]]'' *[[The Postman Always Rings Twice|''Postman Always Rings Twice'', ''The'']] *''[[Powder]]'' *''[[The Power of the Dog (film)|Power of the Dog, The]]'' *''[[Practical Magic]]'' *''[[Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire]]'' *''[[Predator]]'' *''[[Predator 2]]'' *''[[Preggoland]]'' *[[The Prestige|''Prestige'', ''The'']] *''[[Presumed Innocent (film)|Presumed Innocent]]'' *''[[Pretty in Pink]]'' *''[[Pretty Woman]]'' *''[[Pride]]'' *''[[Pride and Prejudice (2005)|Pride and Prejudice]]'' (2005) *''[[Primal Fear]]'' *[[The Prince of Egypt|''Prince of Egypt'', ''The'']] *''[[Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (film)|Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time]]'' *[[The Princess and the Frog|''Princess and the Frog'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess and the Pea (2002 film)|''Princess and the Pea'', ''The'']] (2002) *[[The Princess Bride (film)|''Princess Bride'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess Diaries|''Princess Diaries'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement|''Princess Diaries 2'', ''The: Royal Engagement'']] *''[[Princess Mononoke]]'' *''[[Princess O'Rourke]]'' *''[[Private Parts]]'' *''[[Problem Child]]'' *[[The Producers (1968 film)|''Producers'', ''The'']] (1968) *[[The Producers (2005 film)|''Producers'', ''The'']] (2005) *''[[Project ALF]]'' *''[[Project X (2012 film)|Project X]]'' (2012) *''[[Prom Night (2008 film)|Prom Night]]'' (2008) *''[[Prometheus (film)|Prometheus]]'' *''[[Promising Young Woman]]'' *[[The Prophecy|''Prophecy'', ''The'']] *[[The Proposition|''Proposition'', ''The'']] *''[[Protocol (film)|Protocol]]'' *[[The Proud Family Movie|''Proud Family Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Prozac Nation]]'' *''[[Psycho (1960 film)|Psycho]]'' (1960) *''[[Psycho II]]'' *''[[Psycho III]]'' *''[[Psycho (1998 film)|Psycho]]'' (1998) *''[[Public Enemies (2009 film)|Public Enemies]]'' (2009) *''[[Pulp Fiction]]'' *[[The Punisher|''Punisher'', ''The'']] *''[[Punisher: War Zone]]'' *''[[Purple Rain (film)|Purple Rain]]'' (1984) *[[The Purple Rose of Cairo|''Purple Rose of Cairo'', ''The'']] *[[The Pursuit of Happyness|''Pursuit of Happyness'', ''The'']] *''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011) *''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots: The Last Wish]]'' (2022) {{Col-end}} ===Q=== *''[[Quackodile Tears]]'' *''[[Quadrophenia]]'' *''[[Quantum of Solace]]'' *''[[Quarantine (2008 film)|Quarantine]]'' (2008) *[[The Queen (film)|''Queen'', ''The'']] *''[[Queen Christina (film)|Queen Christina]]'' *''[[Queen of Katwe]]'' *''[[Queen of the Damned]]'' *''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' *[[The Quick and the Dead|''Quick and the Dead'', ''The'']] *[[The Quiet Man|''Quiet Man'', ''The'']] *''[[Quiet Please!]]'' *''[[Quills]]'' * [[Quo Vadis (1951 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (1951) ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[Rabbit-Proof Fence]]'' *''[[Racing Stripes]]'' *''[[Radio Flyer (film)|Radio Flyer]]'' *[[The Rage: Carrie 2|''Rage: Carrie 2'', ''The'']] *''[[Raging Bull]]'' *''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' *''[[Rain Man]]'' *[[The Rainmaker (1997 film)|''Rainmaker'', ''The'']] (1997) *''[[Raising Arizona]]'' *''[[Raising Helen]]'' *''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' *''[[Ramayana: The Legend of Prince Rama]]'' *''[[Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' *''[[Rambo III]]'' *''[[Rampage (2018 film)|Rampage]]'' *''[[Rango]]'' *''[[Rango#Sequel|Rango 2]]'' *''[[Ransom (1996 film)|Ransom]]'' (1996) *[[The Rapture (film)|''Rapture'', ''The'']] *''[[Rat Race (film)|Rat Race]]'' * ''[[The Rat Pack (film)|Rat Pack, The]]'' (1998) *''[[Ratchet & Clank (film)|Ratchet & Clank]]'' *''[[Ratatouille]]'' *''[[The Raven (1963 film)|Raven, The]]'' (1963) *''[[Raw Deal (1948 film)|Raw Deal]]'' (1948) *''[[Ray (film)|Ray]]'' *''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' *[[The Razor's Edge|''Razor's Edge'', ''The'']] *[[The Reader|''Reader'', ''The'']] * ''[[Ready Player One (film)|Ready Player One]]'' *''[[Real Genius]]'' *''[[A Real Pain]]'' *''[[Reality Bites]]'' *''[[Reality High]]'' *''[[Really Big Shrimp]]'' *''[[Rear Window]]'' *''[[Rebecca (film)|Rebecca]]'' *''[[Rebel Without a Cause]]'' *''[[Rebound]]'' *''[[REC 2]]'' *[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|''Reluctant Dragon'', ''The'']] (1941) *''[[Red (2010 film)|RED]] (2010) *''[[Red Dawn]]'' *''[[Red Dragon]]'' *''[[Red Eye]]'' *''[[Red Hot Riding Hood]]'' *''[[Red River (film)|Red River]]'' *''[[Red Rock West]]'' *[[The Red Shoes (1948 film)|''Red Shoes'', ''The'']] (1948) *''[[Red Sonja (1985 film)|Red Sonja]]'' (1985) *''[[Red Tails]]'' *''[[Reds (film)|Reds]]'' *''[[Reefer Madness‎]]'' *''[[Regretting You]]'' *''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' *''[[Reign of Fire]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Reign Over Me]]'' *''[[Religulous]]'' *''[[Remember Me (2010 film)|Remember Me]]'' (2010) *''[[Remember the Titans]]'' *''[[Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins]]'' *''[[Rent (film)|Rent]]'' *[[The Replacements|''Replacements'', ''The'']] *''[[Repo Man]]'' *''[[Repo! The Genetic Opera]]'' *''[[Requiem for a Dream]]'' *[[The Rescuers|''Rescuers'', ''The'']] *[[The Rescuers Down Under|''Rescuers Down Under'', ''The'']] *''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' *''[[Resident Evil]]'' *''[[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]]'' *[[The Return of Jafar|''Return of Jafar'', ''The'']] *[[The Return of the Pink Panther|''Return of the Pink Panther'', ''The'']] *''[[Return to Never Land]]'' *''[[Return to the Blue Lagoon]]'' *[[The Revenant (2015 film)|''Revenant, The'']] (2015 film) * ''[[Revenge of the Pink Panther]]'' *''[[Reversal of Fortune]]'' *''[[Revolver (film)|Revolver]]'' *''[[Rich Boy, Rich Girl]]'' *''[[Riding the Bus with My Sister]]'' *[[The Right Stuff (film)|''Right Stuff'', ''The'']] *[[The Ring|''Ring'', ''The'']] *[[The Ring Two|''Ring Two'', ''The'']] *''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' *''[[Rio 2]]'' *''[[Ripley's Game (film)|Ripley's Game]]'' *''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' *''[[Rise of the Planet of the Apes]]'' *''[[Rising Sun]]'' *''[[Risky Business]]'' *[[The Ritz|''Ritz'', ''The'']] *[[A River Runs Through It (film)|''River Runs Through It'', ''A'']] *''[[River's Edge]]'' * ''[[RKO 281]]'' *[[The Road (film)|''Road'', ''The'']] *''[[Road House]]'' *[[The Road to El Dorado|''Road to El Dorado'', ''The'']] *''[[Road to Perdition]]'' *''[[Road Trip]]'' *''[[w:Road Trip: Beer Pong|Road Trip 2]]'' (TBA; Paramount Pictures) *[[The Road Warrior|''Road Warrior'', ''The'']] *[[The Roaring Twenties|''Roaring Twenties'', ''The'']] *''[[Rob Roy (1995 film)|Rob Roy]]'' (1995 film) *''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973) *''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)#sequel|Robin Hood 2]]'' (TBA; Walt Disney Animation Studios) *''[[Robin Hood (2010 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (2010) *''[[Robin Hood: Men in Tights]]'' *''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[RoboCop]]'' *''[[RoboCop 2]]'' *''[[RoboCop 3]]'' *''[[Robot Monster]]'' *''[[Robots]]'' *''[[w:Robots (2005 film)#Sequel|Robots 2]]'' (TBA 20th Century Animation) *[[The Rock (film)|''Rock'', ''The'']] *''[[Rock & Rule]]'' *''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' *''[[Rock of Ages (2012 film)|Rock of Ages]]'' (2012) *''[[RockNRolla]]'' *''[[Rocky (film)|Rocky]]'' *''[[Rocky II]]'' *''[[Rocky III]]'' *''[[Rocky IV]]'' *''[[Rocky V]]'' *''[[w:Rocky V#Sequel|Rocky VI]]'' (TBA Universal Pictures) *''[[Rocky Balboa (film)|Rocky Balboa]]'' *''[[The Rocky Horror Picture Show|Rocky Horror Picture Show, The]]'' *''[[Rocketman (film)|Rocketman]]'' (2019) *''[[Rogue (film)|Rogue]]'' *''[[Rogue One: A Star Wars Story]]'' *''[[Role Models]]'' *''[[Rolling Thunder (film)|Rolling Thunder]]'' *''[[Roman Holiday]]'' *''[[Romancing the Stone]]'' *''[[Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss]]'' *''[[Romeo Must Die]]'' *''[[Romper Stomper]]'' *''[[Romy and Michele's High School Reunion]]'' *''[[Ron's Gone Wrong]]'' *''[[Room (2015 film)|Room]]'' (2015) *''[[Room and Bird]]'' *''[[The Room (film)|Room, The]]'' *''[[Rope (film)|Rope]]'' *''[[Rosé All Day (film)|Rosé All Day]]'' *''[[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary's Baby]]'' *''[[Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead]]'' *''[[Rough Night]]'' *''[[Rounders]]'' *''[[Rover Dangerfield]]'' *''[[Roxanne (film)|Roxanne]]'' *''[[The Royal Tenenbaums|Royal Tenenbaums, The]]'' *''[[Rudy (film)|Rudy]]'' *''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' *''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' *[[The Rugrats Movie|''Rugrats Movie'', ''The'']] *[[The Rules of the Game|''Rules of the Game'', ''The'']] *[[The Ruling Class|''Ruling Class'', ''The'']] *''[[Runaway Bride]]'' *[[The Rundown|''Rundown'', ''The'']] *[[The Running Man (film)|''Running Man'', ''The'']] *''[[Running on Empty (1988 film)|Running on Empty]]'' (1988) *[[Rush (1991 film)|''Rush'']] (1991) *''[[Rush Hour]]'' *''[[Rush Hour 2]]'' *''[[Rush Hour 3]]'' *''[[Rushmore]]'' *''[[RV]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[S Club Seeing Double]]'' *''[[Saboteur (film)|Saboteur]]'' *''[[Sabrina (1954 film)|Sabrina]]'' (1954) *''[[Sahara (film)|Sahara]]'' *''[[St. Elmo's Fire (film)|St. Elmo's Fire]]'' *''[[The Saint (1997 film)|Saint, The]]'' *''[[Saint Joan (film)|Saint Joan]]'' *''[[Saludos Amigos]]'' *''[[Salvador (film)|Salvador]]'' *''[[Samurai X]]'' *[[The Sandlot|''Sandlot'', ''The'']] *''[[Sands of Iwo Jima]]'' *''[[Sanjuro]]'' *''[[Santa Claus: The Movie]]'' *[[The Santa Clause|''Santa Clause'', ''The'']] *[[The Santa Clause 2|''Santa Clause 2'', ''The'']] *[[The Santa Clause 3:The Escape Clause|''Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause'', ''The'']] *''[[Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]]'' *''[[Saturday Night Fever]]'' *[[The Savages (film)|''Savages'', ''The'']] *''[[Save the Last Dance]]'' *''[[Saved!]]'' *''[[Saving Private Ryan]]'' *''[[Saving Silverman]]'' *''[[Saw (2004 film)|Saw]]'' (2004) *''[[Saw II]]'' *''[[Saw III]]'' *''[[Saw IV]]'' *''[[Saw V]]'' *''[[Saw VI]]'' *''[[Saw 3D]]'' *''[[Say Anything...]]'' *''[[The Scarecrow (2000 film)|Scarecrow, The]]'' (2000) *''[[Scarface]]'' *''[[Scary Movie]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 2]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 3]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 4]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 5]]'' *''[[Scent of a Woman]]'' *''[[Schindler's List]]'' *''[[School Dance (film)|School Dance]]'' *''[[School of Rock]]'' *''[[School Ties]]'' *[[The Science of Sleep|''Science of Sleep'', ''The'']] *''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'' (2002) *''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' (2004) *''[[Scoob!]]'' (2020) *''[[Scoop]]'' *[[Scorpio (film)|''Scorpio'']] *''[[Scott Pilgrim vs. the World]]'' *''[[Scream (1996 film)|Scream]]'' (1996) *''[[Scream (2022 film)|Scream]]'' (2022) *''[[Scream 2]]'' *''[[Scream 3]]'' *''[[Scream 4]]'' *''[[Scrooged]]'' *''[[Second Act (film)|Second Act]]'' *''[[Secondhand Lions]]'' *[[The Secret (film)|''Secret'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret Garden (1993 film)|''Secret Garden'', ''The'']] (1993) *[[The Secret in Their Eyes|''Secret in Their Eyes'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret of NIMH|''Secret of NIHM'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue|''Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue'', ''The'']] *''[[Secret Window]]'' *''[[The Secret World of Arrietty]]'' *''[[Semi-Pro]]'' *''[[Sense and Sensibility (film)|Sense and Sensibility]]'' *''[[Sentimental Value]]'' *''[[September 5 (film)|September 5]]'' *''[[Serendipity (film)|Serendipity]]'' *''[[Serenity (film)|Serenity]]'' *''[[Serial Mom]]'' *''[[Serpico]]'' *''[[Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird]]'' *[[The Set-Up (1949 film)|''The Set-Up'']] (1949) *''[[Se7en]]'' *''[[Seven Brides for Seven Brothers]]'' *''[[Seven Days in May]]'' *''[[Seven Pounds]]'' *[[The Seven Samurai|''Seven Samurai'', ''The'']] *''[[Seven Years in Tibet (1997 film)|Seven Years in Tibet]]'' *[[The Seventh Seal|''Seventh Seal'', ''The'']] *''[[The Seventh Veil]]'' *''[[Sex and the City: The Movie]]'' *''[[Sex Appeal]]'' *''[[Sex Drive (film)|Sex Drive]]'' *''[[Sex, Lies, and Videotape]]'' *''[[Sex Tape]]'' *''[[Sexy Beast]]'' *''[[Sgt. Bilko]]'' *[[The Shadow (1994 film)|''Shadow'', ''The'']] (1994) *''[[Shadowlands]]'' *''[[Shaft's Big Score]]'' *[[The Shaggy Dog (2006 film)|''Shaggy Dog'', ''The'']] (2006) *''[[Shakespeare in Love]]'' *''[[Shallow Hal]]'' *''[[Shane]]'' *''[[Shark Tale]]'' *''[[Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure]]'' *''[[Shaun of the Dead]]'' *[[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'', ''The'']] *''[[She Done Him Wrong]]'' *''[[She-Devil]]'' *''[[She is Love (film)|She is Love]]'' *''[[Shenandoah (film)|Shenandoah]]'' *''[[Sherlock Gnomes]]'' *''[[Sherlock Holmes (2009 film)|Sherlock Holmes]]'' (2009) {{Col-3}} *''[[Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows]]'' *''[[She's All That]]'' *''[[She's Out of My League]]'' *''[[She's the Man]]'' *''[[Shine (film)|Shine]]'' *[[The Shining (film)|''Shining'', ''The'']] *''[[Shoot 'Em Up]]'' *''[[Shooter (film)|Shooter]]'' *''[[Short Circuit]]'' *''[[Shorts (2009 film)|Shorts]]'' *[[A Shot in the Dark (1964 film)|''Shot in the Dark'', ''A'' (1964)]] *''[[Shrek]]'' *''[[Shrek 2]]'' *''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' *''[[Shrek the Third]]'' *''[[Shrek the Halls]]'' *''[[Shutter Island (film)|Shutter Island]]'' *''[[Sicario (2015 film)|Sicario]]'' (2015) *''[[Signs]]'' *[[The Silence of the Lambs (film)|''Silence of the Lambs'', ''The'']] *''[[Silver Bullet (film)|Silver Bullet]]'' *''[[Silver Linings Playbook]]'' *''[[Silver Streak (1976 film)|Silver Streak]]'' *''[[Simon Birch]]'' *[[The Simpsons Movie|''Simpsons Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Sin City (film)|Sin City]]'' *''[[Sinatra (TV miniseries)|Sinatra]]'' (1992) *''[[Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas]]'' *''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'' *''[[Singles (1992 film)|Singles]]'' (1992) *''[[Sisters (2015 film)|Sisters]]'' (2015) *''[[Sixteen Candles]]'' *[[The Sixth Sense|''Sixth Sense'', ''The'']] *''[[Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow]]'' *''[[Sky High]]'' *''[[Slacker (film)|Slacker]]'' *''[[Slap Her She's French]]'' *''[[Slap Shot]]'' *''[[SLC Punk!]]'' *''[[Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1959) *''[[Sleeping with Other People]]'' *''[[Sleeping with the Enemy]]'' *''[[Sleepless in Seattle]]'' *''[[Sleepover (film)|Sleepover]]'' *''[[Sleepy Hollow (film)|Sleepy Hollow]]'' *''[[Sling Blade]]'' *''[[Slumdog Millionaire]]'' *''[[Toy Story Toons#Small Fry .5B2.5D|Small Fry]]'' *''[[Small Soldiers]]'' *''[[Smokin' Aces]]'' *[[The Smurfs (film)|''Smurfs'', ''The'']] (2011) *[[The Smurfs 2|''Smurfs 2'', ''The'']] (2013) *''[[Snatch]]'' *''[[Snatched (2017 film)|Snatched]]'' (2017) *''[[Sneakers (1992 film)|Sneakers]]'' (1992) *[[Snitch (film)|''Snitch'']] *''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' *''[[Snow]]'' *''[[Snow Dogs]]'' *''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937) *''[[Snowpiercer]]'' *''[[So I Married an Axe Murderer]]'' *''[[Soapdish]]'' *''[[Some Like It Hot]]'' *''[[Someone Great (film)|Someone Great]]'' *''[[Something Wicked This Way Comes (film)|Something Wicked This Way Comes]]'' *''[[Something's Gotta Give (film)|Something's Gotta Give]]'' *''[[Sometimes in April]]'' *''[[Somewhere in Time]]'' *''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' *''[[Son of the Mask]]'' *[[The Song of Sway Lake|''Song of Sway Lake'', ''The'']] *''[[Song of the South]]'' *''[[Songwriter]]'' *''[[Sons of the Desert]]'' *[[The Sons of Eilaboun|''Sons of Eilaboun'', ''The'']] *''[[Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]'' *''[[Sorcerer (film)|Sorcerer]]'' *[[The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010 film)|''Sorcerer's Apprentice'', ''The'']] (2010) *''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020) *''[[Soul Men]]'' *''[[Soul Plane]]'' *''[[Soul Surfer]]'' *[[The Sound of Music|''Sound of Music'', ''The'']] *''[[Southland Tales]]'' *''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' *''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' *''[[Soylent Green]]'' *''[[Space Chimps]]'' *''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996) *''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021) *''[[Spaceballs]]'' *''[[The Spanish Prisoner|Spanish Prisoner, The]]'' *''[[Spartacus]]'' *''[[Spartan (film)|Spartan]]'' *''[[The Special Relationship (film)|Special Relationship, The]]'' (2010) *''[[The Spectacular Now|Spectacular Now, The]]'' *''[[Speech & Debate]]'' *''[[Speed (1994 film)|Speed]]'' (1994) *''[[Speed 2: Cruise Control]]'' *''[[Speed Racer (2008 film)|Speed Racer]]'' (2008) *''[[Spider-Man (film)|Spider-Man]]'' *''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' *''[[Spider-Man 3]]'' *''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' *''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' *''[[Spies in Disguise]]'' *''[[Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron]]'' *''[[Spirit Untamed]]'' *''[[Spirited Away]]'' *''[[Splash (film)|Splash]]'' *[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|''SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water'', ''The'']] {{Col-3}} *[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|''SpongeBob SquarePants Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Spontaneous (film)|Spontaneous]]'' *''[[Spotlight (film)|Spotlight]]'' *''[[Spring Breakers (film)|Spring Breakers]]'' *''[[Spy (2015 film)|Spy]]'' (2015) *''[[Spy Hard]]'' *''[[Stage Door]]'' *''[[Stage Fright (film)|Stage Fright]]'' *''[[Stagecoach (1939 film)‎|Stagecoach]]'' (1939) *''[[Stand and Deliver]]'' *''[[Stand by Me (film)|Stand by Me]]'' *''[[The Stanford Prison Experiment (film)|Stanford Prison Experiment, The]]'' *''[[The Star (2017 film)|Star, The]]'' *''[[A Star Is Born (1937 film)|A Star Is Born]]'' (1937) *''[[A Star Is Born (1954 film)|A Star Is Born]]'' (1954) *''[[The Star Chamber|Star Chamber, The]]'' *''[[Star Kid]]'' *''[[Star Trek (film)|Star Trek]]'' (2009) *''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (1979) *''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' *''[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]]'' *''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' *''[[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]]'' *''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'' *''[[Star Trek: First Contact]]'' *''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' *''[[Star Trek: Insurrection]]'' *''[[Star Trek Nemesis]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (film)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker]]'' *''[[Stardust (2007 film)|Stardust]]'' (2007) *''[[Stargate (film)|Stargate]]'' *''[[Starship Troopers (film)|Starship Troopers]]'' *''[[Starsky and Hutch (film)|Starsky and Hutch]]'' *''[[State of Grace (film)|State of Grace]]'' *''[[Staten Island Summer]]'' *''[[Status Update]]'' *''[[Stay Alive]]'' *''[[Staying Alive]]'' *''[[Stay Tuned (film)|Stay Tuned]]'' *''[[Stealing Harvard]]'' *''[[Steamboat Willie]]'' *''[[Steel Magnolias]]'' *''[[Step Brothers]]'' *''[[Step Up]]'' *''[[Step Up 2: The Streets]]'' *''[[Step Up 3D]]'' *''[[Step Up Revolution]]'' *''[[Step Up: All In]]'' *''[[Step Up: Year of the Dance]]'' *''[[The Stepfather (1987 film)|Stepfather, The]]'' (1987) *''[[The Stepfather (2009 film)|Stepfather, The]]'' (2009) *''[[Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]]'' *''[[The Sting|Sting, The]]'' *''[[Stir Crazy (film)|Stir Crazy]]'' *''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' *''[[Straight Outta Compton (film)]]'' *''[[Strange Brew]]'' *''[[Strange Days (film)|Strange Days]]'' *''[[The Strange Love of Martha Ivers|Strange Love of Martha Ivers, The]]'' *''[[The Stranger (1946 film)|Stranger, The]]'' (1946) *''[[Stranger on the Third Floor]]'' *''[[Stranger than Fiction]]'' *''[[Stripes]]'' *''[[Striptease]]'' *''[[Stuart Little (film)|Stuart Little]]'' *''[[Stuart Little 2]]'' *''[[The Substance]]'' *''[[Stuck in Love (film)|Stuck in Love]]'' *''[[Sucker Punch (film)|Sucker Punch]]'' *''[[Sudden Impact]]'' *''[[The Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad, The]]'' *''[[Summer '03]]'' *''[[Summer of Love (2019 film)|Summer of Love]]'' *''[[The Sundowners|Sundowners, The]]'' *''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'' *''[[Sunshine]]'' *''[[Super (film)|Super]]'' *''[[Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' *''[[Super Size Me]]'' *''[[Super Troopers]]'' *''[[Superbad]]'' *''[[Superhero Movie]]'' *''[[Superman Returns]]'' *''[[Superstar]]'' *''[[Surf II]]'' *''[[Surf's Up]]'' *''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' *''[[Surrogates (film)|Surrogates]]'' *''[[Surviving Sid]]'' *''[[Suspicion (film)|Suspicion]]'' *[[The Swan Princess|''Swan Princess'', ''The'']] *''[[S.W.A.T. (film)|S.W.A.T.]]'' *''[[Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street]]'' *''[[Sweet Home Alabama]]'' *[[The Sweetest Thing|''Sweetest Thing'', ''The'']] *''[[Swimming to Cambodia]]'' *''[[Swimming with Sharks]]'' *''[[Swingers]]'' *''[[Switched (2020 film)|Switched]]'' (2020) *[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|''Sword in the Stone'', ''The'']] *''[[Swordfish]]'' *''[[Sydney White]]'' *''[[Symphony Hour]]'' {{Col-end}} ==Requested== ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Pants on Fire]]'' * ''[[Party Girl (1958 film)|Party Girl]]'' (1958) * ''[[Party Girl (1995 film)|Party Girl]]'' (1995) * ''[[P.S. I Love You]]'' * ''[[Passenger 57]]'' * ''[[The Passion of Darkly Noon|Passion of Darkly Noon, The]]'' * ''[[Payback]]'' * ''[[Percy Jackson Sea Of Monsters]]'' * ''[[A Perfect Murder|Perfect Murder, A]]'' * ''[[Pete's Dragon]]'' (1977) * ''[[Phonebooth (film)|Phonebooth]]'' * ''[[The Pianist|Pianist, The]]'' * ''[[The Picture of Dorian Gray (film)|Picture of Dorian Gray, The]]'' * ''[[Pirates (1986 film)|Pirates]]'' * ''[[Pirates of Silicon Valley]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Plane Crazy]]'' * ''[[Planet Terror]]'' * ''[[Pluto at the Zoo]]'' * ''[[Pluto's Christmas Tree]]'' * ''[[Plutopia]]'' * ''[[Poetic Justice]]'' * ''[[Polyester]]'' * ''[[Porky Chops]]'' * ''[[Porky's Party]]'' * ''[[Porky's Romance]]'' * ''[[The Portrait of a Lady (film)|Portrait of a Lady, The]]'' *''[[Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw]]'' * ''[[Premonition (1972 film)|Premonition]]'' (1972) * ''[[Premonition (2004 film)|Premonition]]'' (2004) * ''[[Premonition (2007 film)|Premonition]]'' (2007) * ''[[Prime (film)|Prime]]'' * ''[[Princess O'Rourke]]'' * ''[[Problem Child 2]]'' * ''[[Problem Child 3: Junior in Love]]'' * ''[[Prom Night (1980 film)|Prom Night]]'' (1980) * ''[[PU-239]]'' * ''[[Punch Drunk Love]]'' * ''[[Purple Noon]]'' {{Col-end}} ===Q=== * [[Quo Vadis (1924 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (1924) * [[Quo Vadis (2001 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (2001) ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Radio (2003 film)|Radio]]'' * ''[[Radio Days]]'' * ''[[The Raggedy Rawney|Raggedy Rawney, The]]'' * ''[[Raise Your Voice]]'' * ''[[Rakeman]]'' * ''[[Ramona and Beezus]]'' * ''[[Ready to Rumble]]'' * ''[[Real Life]]'' * ''[[Real Steel]]'' * ''[[A reasonable Man|Reasonable Man, A]]'' * ''[[REC]]'' * ''[[Reckless (1935 film)|Reckless]]'' (1935) * ''[[Reckless (1951 film)|Reckless]]'' (1951) * ''[[Reckless (1984 film)|Reckless]]'' (1984) * ''[[Reckless (1995 film)|Reckless]]'' (1995) * ''[[RED 2]]'' * ''[[The Red Danube|Red Danube, The]]'' * ''[[The Red Turtle|Red Turtle, The]]'' * ''[[Redwoods]]'' * ''[[Red Scorpion]]'' * ''[[Reindeer Games]]'' * ''[[Remember My Name]]'' * ''[[Resident Evil: Extinction]]'' * ''[[Restoration (film)|Restoration]]'' * ''[[Revolutionary Road]]'' * ''[[Return Engagement (1983 film)|Return Engagement]]'' (1983) * ''[[Return Engagement (1990 film)|Return Engagement]]'' (1990) * ''[[Riddick (film)|Riddick]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Ringer|Ringer, The]]'' * ''[[Ripley Under Ground (film)|Ripley Under Ground]]'' * ''[[Roadie (film)|Roadie]]'' * ''[[Robot & Frank]]'' * ''[[Robots 2]]'' * ''[[The Rocking Horse Winner|Rocking Horse Winner, The]]'' * ''[[Rollerball (1975 film)|Rollerball]]'' (1975) * ''[[Romeo and Juliet (1968 film)|Romeo and Juliet]]'' (1968) * ''[[Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss]]'' * ''[[Rooster Cogburn and the Lady]]'' * ''[[Röövlirahnu Martin]]'' * ''[[Ruby Cairo]]'' * ''[[The Rum Diary (film)|The Rum Diary]]'' * ''[[Rumor Has It...]]'' * ''[[Run For Cover (film)|Run for Cover]]'' (1955) * ''[[Run Lola Run]]'' * ''[[Rue Cases Negres]]'' * ''[[The Runaways (film)|Runaways, The]]'' * ''[[Runaway Train (film)|Runaway Train]]'' * ''[[Running Scared (1972 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1972) * ''[[Running Scared (1980 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1980) * ''[[Running Scared (1986 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1986) * ''[[Running Scared (2006 film)|Running Scared]]'' (2006) * ''[[Run Ronnie Run]]'' * ''[[The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming|Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming, The]]'' * ''[[Rusty: A Dog's Tale]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} *''[[S Club 7: Artistic Differences]]'' * ''[[S Club 7: Back to the 50's]]'' *''[[S Club 7: Boyfriends & Birthdays]]'' *''[[S Club 7: Christmas Special]]'' * ''[[Sabrina (1995 film)|Sabrina]]'' (1995)<!--[[Sabrina (1954 film)]] is already on the existing list--> * ''[[Saint Trinians]]'' * ''[[Samson and Sally]]'' * ''[[San Andreas]]'' * ''[[Sarfarosh]]'' * ''[[Sanctum (film)|Sanctum]]'' * [[The Sandwich Man|''Sandwich Man'', ''The'']] * ''[[Santa Fe Trail (film)|Santa Fe Trail]]'' * [[The Savage Innocents|''Savage Innocents'', ''The'']] * ''[[Say It Isn't So]]'' * [[The Scalphunters|''Scalphunters'', ''The'']] * [[The Scarlett Letter (1908 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1908) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1911 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1911) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1913 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1913) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1917 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1917) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1920 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1920) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1922 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1922) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1926 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1926) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1934 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1934) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1973 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1973) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1995 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1995) * [[The Scarlett Letter (2004 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (2004) * [[The Scorch Trials (2015 film)| ''Scorch Trials'', ''The'']] (2015) * ''[[School for Scoundrels (1960 film)|School for Scoundrels]]'' (1960) * ''[[School for Scoundrels (2006 film)|School for Scoundrels]]'' (2006) * ''[[Screamers (1995 film)|Screamers]]'' (1995) * ''[[Screamers (2006 film)|Screamers]]'' (2006) * [[The Secret Life of Words|''Secret Life of Words'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret Life of Bees (film)|''Secret Life of Bees'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret Lives of Dentists|''Secret Lives of Dentists'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret of Kells|''Secret of Kells'', ''The'']] * ''[[Secret of the Wings]]'' * ''[[Secretariat (2010)|Secretariat]]'' (2010) * ''[[Secretary (1976 film)|Secretary]]'' (1976) * ''[[Secretary (2002 film)|Secretary]]'' (2002) * [[The Secretary (1938 film)|''Secretary'', ''The'']] (1938) * [[The Secretary (1995 film)|''Secretary'', ''The'']] (1995) * ''[[See Spot Run (2001 film)|''See Spot Run'']]'' (2001) * [[The Serpent and the Rainbow (film)|''Serpent and the Rainbow'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sesame Street Presents Follow That Bird]]'' * [[The Seventh Bullet|''Seventh Bullet'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sex and the Single Girl (film)|Sex and the Single Girl]]'' * ''[[The Shadow (film)|The Shadow]]'' * [[The Shakiest Gun in the West|''Shakiest Gun in the West'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shampoo (film)|Shampoo]]'' * ''[[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]'' * ''[[Shadows in the Sun]]'' * ''[[Shapes: Round, Square, and In-Between]]'' * ''[[Sharky's Machine (film)|Sharky's Machine]]'' * ''[[She's So Lovely]]'' * ''[[Shiloh (film)|Shiloh]]'' * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1947 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1947) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1960 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1960) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1963 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1963) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1988 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1988) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1990 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1990) * [[The Shootist|''Shootist'', ''The'']] * [[The Shop Around the Corner|''Shop Around the Corner'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shopgirl]]'' * ''[[Short Circuit 2]]'' * ''[[Sicario]]'' * [[The Sicilian (film)|''Sicilian'', ''The'']] * [[The Siege|''Siege'', ''The'']] * ''[[Silverado (film)|Silverado]]'' * ''[[Simone (film)|Simone]]'' * ''[[Skat Strut]]'' * ''[[Slam Dunk Ernest]]'' * ''[[Sleeper (film)|Sleeper]]'' * ''[[Sleepers (film)|Sleepers]]'' * ''[[Sleeping Dogs]]'' * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (1998 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (1998) * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (2005 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (2005) * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (2006 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (2006) * ''[[Smart People]]'' * ''[[Sneakers (2011 film)|Sneakers]]'' (2011) * ''[[Solaris (1968 film)|Solaris]]'' (1968) * ''[[Solaris (1972 film)|Solaris]]'' (1972) * ''[[Solaris (2002 film)|Solaris]]'' (2002) {{Col-2}} * ''[[Some Like it Hot]]'' * ''[[Something's Gotta Give]]'' * ''[[Song of Norway]]'' * ''[[Songs from Mother Goose]]'' * ''[[Sordid Lives]]'' * ''[[Soul (film)|Soul]]'' * ''[[Soul Man (film)|Soul Man]]'' * ''[[Space Cowboys]]'' * ''[[Sphere (film)|Sphere]]'' * ''[[Spun]]'' * ''[[Stalingrad (1943 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1943) * ''[[Stalingrad (1989 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1989) * ''[[Stalingrad (1993 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1993) * ''[[Stalingrad (2013 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (2013) * ''[[Stalingrad: Dogs, Do You Want to Live Forever?]]'' (1959) * ''[[Stanley, the Ugly Duckling]]'' * ''[[Stay (2005 film)|Stay]]'' (2005) * ''[[Stay (2013 film)|Stay]]'' (2013) * [[The Steamroller and the Violin|''Steamroller and the Violin'', ''The'']] * ''[[Stepmom (film)|Stepmom]]'' * ''[[Step Up 2: The Streets]]'' * ''[[Step Up 3D]]'' * ''[[Step Up: All In]]'' * ''[[Step Up Revolution]]'' * ''[[Stepfather II]]'' * ''[[Stepfather III]]'' * ''[[Stormy Monday]]'' * ''[[Story of O (film)|Story of O]]'' * ''[[Straight Talk]]'' * ''[[Stranger (2006 film)|Stranger]]'' (2006) * ''[[Stranger (2009 film)|Stranger]]'' (2009) * ''[[Stranger (2015 film)|Stranger]]'' (2015) * [[The Stranger (1918 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1918) * [[The Stranger (1920 film) (5-reel)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1920) (5-reel) * [[The Stranger (1920 film) (2-reel)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1920) (2-reel) * [[The Stranger (1924 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1924) * [[The Stranger (1962 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1962)<!--[[The Stranger (1946 film)]] is already on the existing list.--> * [[The Stranger (1967 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1967) * [[The Stranger (1973 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1973) * [[The Stranger (1984 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1984) * [[The Stranger (1987 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1987) * [[The Stranger (1991 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1991) * [[The Stranger (1995 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1995) * [[The Stranger (2000 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2000) * [[The Stranger (2010 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2010) * [[The Stranger (2012 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2012) * [[The Stranger (2014 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2014) * ''[[Strangers (1992 film)|Strangers]]'' (1992) * ''[[Strangers (2003 film)|Strangers]]'' (2003) * ''[[Strangers (2004 film)|Strangers]]'' (2004) * ''[[Strangers (2006 film)|Strangers]]'' (2006) * ''[[Strangers (2007 Bollywood film)|Strangers]]'' (2007 Bollywood) * ''[[Strangers (2007 Israeli film)|Strangers]]'' (2007 Israeli) * ''[[Strangers (2009 film)|Strangers]]'' (2009) * ''[[Strangers: The Story of a Mother and Daughter]]'' (1979) * [[The Strangers (2008 film)|''Strangers'', ''The'']] (2008) * [[The Strangers (2012 film)|''Strangers'', ''The'']] (2012) * ''[[Strange Cargo]]'' * ''[[Strange Wilderness]]'' * ''[[Strangers With Candy (film)|Strangers With Candy]]'' * ''[[Strawberry Shortcake: The Sweet Dreams Movie]]'' * ''[[Street Smart (film)|Street Smart]]'' * ''[[Stuck On You (film)|Stuck On You]]'' * ''[[Submarine (1928 film)|Submarine]]'' (1928) * ''[[Submarine (2010 film)|Submarine]]'' (2010) * ''[[Sügis]]'' * ''[[Suicide Squad]]'' * ''[[Summer School (film)|Summer School]]'' * ''[[Sumo of the Opera]]'' * ''[[Sun Valley Serenade]]'' * [[The Supernaturals (film)|''Supernaturals'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sweet Land]]'' * ''[[Sweet November (1986 film)|Sweet November]]'' (1986) * ''[[Sweet November (2001 film)|Sweet November]]'' (2001) * ''[[Sweetie (1929 film)|Sweetie]]'' (1929) * ''[[Sweetie (film)|Sweetie]]'' (1989) {{Col-end}} ==Notes== '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new film articles to this list. '''When you add a title to this list, please add it in proper alphabetical order within the appropriate section.''' When creating a page for a film, please include the year the film was released and list key creators of the film, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:List of films|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote talk:Templates#Films & TV Shows|Templates#Films & TV Shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for film articles. After a film article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for film quotations, please help us expand film articles that need attention, which are listed at [[:Category:Film stubs|Film stubs]] and [[:Category:Film cleanup|Film cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} * [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes]] (greatest movie quotes) *[[List of films (A–C)]] *[[List of films (D–F)]] *[[List of films (G–I)]] *[[List of films (J–L)]] *[[List of films (M–O)]] *[[List of films (T–V)]] *[[List of films (W–Z)]] [[Category:Films|*]] [[Category:Lists|films]] [[Category:Lists of films]] maccvm68nqezdm59gc6hbvcavzac8bw 3944536 3944534 2026-05-23T17:04:01Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* P */ 3944536 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of films:''' ---- [[List of films (A–C)##|#]] - [[List of films (A–C)#A|A]] - [[List of films (A–C)#B|B]] - [[List of films (A–C)#C|C]] - [[List of films (D–F)#D|D]] - [[List of films (D–F)#E|E]] - [[List of films (D–F)#F|F]] - [[List of films (G–I)#G|G]] - [[List of films (G–I)#H|H]] - [[List of films (G–I)#I|I]] - [[List of films (J–L)#J|J]] - [[List of films (J-L)#K|K]] - [[List of films (J-L)#L|L]] - [[List of films (M-O)#M|M]] - [[List of films (M-O)#N|N]] - [[List of films (M-O)#O|O]] - [[List of films (P–S)#P|P]] - [[List of films (P–S)#Q|Q]] - [[List of films (P–S)#R|R]] - [[List of films (P–S)#S|S]] - [[List of films (T–V)#T|T]] - [[List of films (T–V)#U|U]] - [[List of films (T–V)#V|V]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific Rim]]'' * ''[[Pacific Rim Uprising]]'' *[[The Pacifier|''Pacifier'', ''The'']] *''[[The Package (1989 film)|Package, The]]'' (1989) *''[[Paddington (film)|Paddington]]'' * ''[[Paddington 2]]'' *''[[Padmaavat]]'' *[[The Pagemaster|''Pagemaster'', ''The'']] *[[The Painted Veil (2006 film)|''Painted Veil'', ''The'']] (2006) *''[[Palm Springs (2020 film)|Palm Springs]]'' (2020) *''[[Palm Swings (2020 film)|Palm Swings]]'' (2020) *''[[Pandorum]]'' *''[[Paparazzi]]'' *[[The Paper Chase (film)|''Paper Chase'', ''The'']] *''[[Paper Towns (film)|Paper Towns]]'' *[[The Paradine Case|''Paradine Case'', ''The'']] *[[The Parallax View|''Parallax View'', ''The'']] *''[[Paranormal Activity]]'' *[[Parasite (2019 film)|''Parasite'']] (2019) *''[[Parenthood (film)|Parenthood]]'' *[[The Parent Trap (1961_film)|''Parent Trap'', ''The'']] (1961) *[[The Parent Trap (1998_film)|''Parent Trap'', ''The'']] (1998) *[[The Party (film)|''Party'', ''The'']] *''[[Party Monster]]'' *''[[Toy Story Toons#Partysaurus Rex .5B3.5D|Partysaurus Rex]]'' *[[The Passion of the Christ|''Passion of the Christ'', ''The'']] *''[[Patch Adams (film)|''Patch Adams'']]'' *''[[Paths of Glory]]'' *[[The Patriot|''Patriot'', ''The'']] *''[[Patriot Games]]'' *''[[Patton (film)|Patton]]'' *''[[Paul Blart: Mall Cop]]'' *[[The Pawnbroker (film)|''Pawnbroker'', ''The'']] *''[[Pay It Forward]]'' *''[[Paycheck (film)|Paycheck]]'' *''[[PCU]]'' *''[[Peace on Earth (film)|''Peace on Earth'']]'' *''[[Peaceful Warrior]]'' *[[The Peacemaker|''Peacemaker'', ''The'']] *''[[Pearl (2022 film)|Pearl]]'' (2022) *[[The Pebble and the Penguin|''Pebble and the Penguin'', ''The'']] *''[[Pee-wee's Big Adventure]]'' *''[[Peggy Sue Got Married]]'' *[[The Pelican Brief (film)|''Pelican Brief'', ''The'']] *''[[Penelope (2008 film)|Penelope]]'' *''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' *''[[The People I've Slept With|People I've Slept With, The]]'' *[[The People vs. Larry Flynt|''People vs. Larry Flynt'', ''The'']] *''[[Peppa Pig: The Golden Boots]]'' *''[[Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief]]'' *''[[The Perfect Cheerleader (2019 film)|Perfect Cheerleader, The]]'' (2019) *[[The Perfect Storm|''Perfect Storm'', ''The'']] *[[The Perks of Being a Wallflower (film)|''Perks of Being a Wallflower'', ''The'']] *''[[Pet Sematary (film)|Pet Sematary]]'' *''[[Pearl (2022 film)|Pearl]] (2022) *''[[Peter Pan (1924 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1924) *''[[Peter Pan (1953 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1953) *''[[Peter Pan (2003 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (2003) *''[[Peter Pan & Wendy (2023 film)|Peter Pan & Wendy]]'' (2023) * ''[[Peter Rabbit (film)|Peter Rabbit]]'' *''[[Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway]]'' * ''[[Pete's Dragon (2016 film)|Pete's Dragon]]'' (2016) *[[The Phantom of the Opera (2004 film)|''Phantom of the Opera'', ''The'']] (2004) *''[[Phantom of the Paradise]]'' *''[[Phenomenon (film)|Phenomenon]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Philadelphia (film)|Philadelphia]]'' *[[The Philadelphia Story (1940)|''Philadelphia Story'', ''The'']] (1940) *''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' *''[[Pi (film)|Pi]]'' *[[The Piano|''Piano'', ''The'']] *''[[Pickup on South Street]]'' *''[[Pillow Talk (film)|Pillow Talk]]'' *''[[Pineapple Express]]'' *''[[Pink Flamingos]]'' *''[[Pink Floyd The Wall (film)|Pink Floyd The Wall]]'' * ''[[The Pink Panther (1963 film)|Pink Panther, The]]'' (1963) *[[The Pink Panther Strikes Again|''Pink Panther Strikes Again'', ''The'']] *''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940) *''[[Pinocchio (2022 film)]]'' (2022) *''[[Pinocchio 3000 (2004 film)|Pinocchio 3000]]'' (2004) *[[The Pirate Movie|''Pirate Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Pirate Radio (a.k.a. The Boat That Rocked)]]'' *[[The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists (film)|''Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists'', ''The'']] *[[The Pirates of Penzance (film)|''Pirates of Penzance'', ''The'']] *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]'' *[[The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie|''Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Pixels (2015 film)|Pixels]]'' (2015) *''[[Pitch Black]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect 2]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect 3]]'' *''[[Places in the Heart]]'' *''[[Plan 9 from Outer Space]]'' *''[[Planes (Film)|Planes]]'' *''[[Planes: Fire & Rescue]]'' *''[[Planes, Trains, and Automobiles]]'' *''[[Planet 51]]'' *''[[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (1968) *''[[Planet of the Apes (2001 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (2001) *''[[Plastic (2014 film)|Plastic]]'' (2014) *''[[Platoon]]'' *''[[Play Misty for Me]]'' *''[[The Player (film)|Player, The]]'' *''[[Playing By Heart]]'' *''[[Pleasantville]]'' *''[[Please Stand By]]'' *''[[Plus One (2019 film)|Plus One]]'' (2019) *''[[Pocahontas]]'' *''[[Point Break]]'' *''[[Pokemon]]'' * ''[[Pokémon Detective Pikachu]]'' *[[The Polar Express|''Polar Express'', ''The'']] *''[[Police Academy]]'' *''[[Police Woman (TV series)|Police Woman]]'' *''[[Poltergeist (film)|Poltergeist]]'' *''[[Ponette]]'' *''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' *''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' *''[[Poor Things (film)|Poor Things]]'' *''[[Pootie Tang]]'' *''[[Popeye (film)|Popeye]]'' *''[[Pope John Paul II (miniseries)|Pope John Paul II]]'' (2005) *''[[Porco Rosso]]'' *''[[Poseidon]]'' *[[The Poseidon Adventure|''Poseidon Adventure'', ''The'']] *''[[Possession]]'' *''[[The Post (film)|Post, The]]'' *[[The Postman Always Rings Twice|''Postman Always Rings Twice'', ''The'']] *''[[Powder]]'' *''[[The Power of the Dog (film)|Power of the Dog, The]]'' *''[[Practical Magic]]'' *''[[Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire]]'' *''[[Predator]]'' *''[[Predator 2]]'' *''[[Preggoland]]'' *[[The Prestige|''Prestige'', ''The'']] *''[[Presumed Innocent (film)|Presumed Innocent]]'' *''[[Pretty in Pink]]'' *''[[Pretty Woman]]'' *''[[Pride]]'' *''[[Pride and Prejudice (2005)|Pride and Prejudice]]'' (2005) *''[[Primal Fear]]'' *[[The Prince of Egypt|''Prince of Egypt'', ''The'']] *''[[Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (film)|Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time]]'' *[[The Princess and the Frog|''Princess and the Frog'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess and the Pea (2002 film)|''Princess and the Pea'', ''The'']] (2002) *[[The Princess Bride (film)|''Princess Bride'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess Diaries|''Princess Diaries'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement|''Princess Diaries 2'', ''The: Royal Engagement'']] *''[[Princess Mononoke]]'' *''[[Princess O'Rourke]]'' *''[[Private Parts]]'' *''[[Problem Child]]'' *[[The Producers (1968 film)|''Producers'', ''The'']] (1968) *[[The Producers (2005 film)|''Producers'', ''The'']] (2005) *''[[Project ALF]]'' *''[[Project X (2012 film)|Project X]]'' (2012) *''[[Prom Night (2008 film)|Prom Night]]'' (2008) *''[[Prometheus (film)|Prometheus]]'' *''[[Promising Young Woman]]'' *[[The Prophecy|''Prophecy'', ''The'']] *[[The Proposition|''Proposition'', ''The'']] *''[[Protocol (film)|Protocol]]'' *[[The Proud Family Movie|''Proud Family Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Prozac Nation]]'' *''[[Psycho (1960 film)|Psycho]]'' (1960) *''[[Psycho II]]'' *''[[Psycho III]]'' *''[[Psycho (1998 film)|Psycho]]'' (1998) *''[[Public Enemies (2009 film)|Public Enemies]]'' (2009) *''[[Pulp Fiction]]'' *[[The Punisher|''Punisher'', ''The'']] *''[[Punisher: War Zone]]'' *''[[Purple Rain (film)|Purple Rain]]'' (1984) *[[The Purple Rose of Cairo|''Purple Rose of Cairo'', ''The'']] *[[The Pursuit of Happyness|''Pursuit of Happyness'', ''The'']] *''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011) *''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots: The Last Wish]]'' (2022) {{Col-end}} ===Q=== *''[[Quackodile Tears]]'' *''[[Quadrophenia]]'' *''[[Quantum of Solace]]'' *''[[Quarantine (2008 film)|Quarantine]]'' (2008) *[[The Queen (film)|''Queen'', ''The'']] *''[[Queen Christina (film)|Queen Christina]]'' *''[[Queen of Katwe]]'' *''[[Queen of the Damned]]'' *''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' *[[The Quick and the Dead|''Quick and the Dead'', ''The'']] *[[The Quiet Man|''Quiet Man'', ''The'']] *''[[Quiet Please!]]'' *''[[Quills]]'' * [[Quo Vadis (1951 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (1951) ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[Rabbit-Proof Fence]]'' *''[[Racing Stripes]]'' *''[[Radio Flyer (film)|Radio Flyer]]'' *[[The Rage: Carrie 2|''Rage: Carrie 2'', ''The'']] *''[[Raging Bull]]'' *''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' *''[[Rain Man]]'' *[[The Rainmaker (1997 film)|''Rainmaker'', ''The'']] (1997) *''[[Raising Arizona]]'' *''[[Raising Helen]]'' *''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' *''[[Ramayana: The Legend of Prince Rama]]'' *''[[Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' *''[[Rambo III]]'' *''[[Rampage (2018 film)|Rampage]]'' *''[[Rango]]'' *''[[Rango#Sequel|Rango 2]]'' *''[[Ransom (1996 film)|Ransom]]'' (1996) *[[The Rapture (film)|''Rapture'', ''The'']] *''[[Rat Race (film)|Rat Race]]'' * ''[[The Rat Pack (film)|Rat Pack, The]]'' (1998) *''[[Ratchet & Clank (film)|Ratchet & Clank]]'' *''[[Ratatouille]]'' *''[[The Raven (1963 film)|Raven, The]]'' (1963) *''[[Raw Deal (1948 film)|Raw Deal]]'' (1948) *''[[Ray (film)|Ray]]'' *''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' *[[The Razor's Edge|''Razor's Edge'', ''The'']] *[[The Reader|''Reader'', ''The'']] * ''[[Ready Player One (film)|Ready Player One]]'' *''[[Real Genius]]'' *''[[A Real Pain]]'' *''[[Reality Bites]]'' *''[[Reality High]]'' *''[[Really Big Shrimp]]'' *''[[Rear Window]]'' *''[[Rebecca (film)|Rebecca]]'' *''[[Rebel Without a Cause]]'' *''[[Rebound]]'' *''[[REC 2]]'' *[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|''Reluctant Dragon'', ''The'']] (1941) *''[[Red (2010 film)|RED]] (2010) *''[[Red Dawn]]'' *''[[Red Dragon]]'' *''[[Red Eye]]'' *''[[Red Hot Riding Hood]]'' *''[[Red River (film)|Red River]]'' *''[[Red Rock West]]'' *[[The Red Shoes (1948 film)|''Red Shoes'', ''The'']] (1948) *''[[Red Sonja (1985 film)|Red Sonja]]'' (1985) *''[[Red Tails]]'' *''[[Reds (film)|Reds]]'' *''[[Reefer Madness‎]]'' *''[[Regretting You]]'' *''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' *''[[Reign of Fire]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Reign Over Me]]'' *''[[Religulous]]'' *''[[Remember Me (2010 film)|Remember Me]]'' (2010) *''[[Remember the Titans]]'' *''[[Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins]]'' *''[[Rent (film)|Rent]]'' *[[The Replacements|''Replacements'', ''The'']] *''[[Repo Man]]'' *''[[Repo! The Genetic Opera]]'' *''[[Requiem for a Dream]]'' *[[The Rescuers|''Rescuers'', ''The'']] *[[The Rescuers Down Under|''Rescuers Down Under'', ''The'']] *''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' *''[[Resident Evil]]'' *''[[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]]'' *[[The Return of Jafar|''Return of Jafar'', ''The'']] *[[The Return of the Pink Panther|''Return of the Pink Panther'', ''The'']] *''[[Return to Never Land]]'' *''[[Return to the Blue Lagoon]]'' *[[The Revenant (2015 film)|''Revenant, The'']] (2015 film) * ''[[Revenge of the Pink Panther]]'' *''[[Reversal of Fortune]]'' *''[[Revolver (film)|Revolver]]'' *''[[Rich Boy, Rich Girl]]'' *''[[Riding the Bus with My Sister]]'' *[[The Right Stuff (film)|''Right Stuff'', ''The'']] *[[The Ring|''Ring'', ''The'']] *[[The Ring Two|''Ring Two'', ''The'']] *''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' *''[[Rio 2]]'' *''[[Ripley's Game (film)|Ripley's Game]]'' *''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' *''[[Rise of the Planet of the Apes]]'' *''[[Rising Sun]]'' *''[[Risky Business]]'' *[[The Ritz|''Ritz'', ''The'']] *[[A River Runs Through It (film)|''River Runs Through It'', ''A'']] *''[[River's Edge]]'' * ''[[RKO 281]]'' *[[The Road (film)|''Road'', ''The'']] *''[[Road House]]'' *[[The Road to El Dorado|''Road to El Dorado'', ''The'']] *''[[Road to Perdition]]'' *''[[Road Trip]]'' *''[[w:Road Trip: Beer Pong|Road Trip 2]]'' (TBA; Paramount Pictures) *[[The Road Warrior|''Road Warrior'', ''The'']] *[[The Roaring Twenties|''Roaring Twenties'', ''The'']] *''[[Rob Roy (1995 film)|Rob Roy]]'' (1995 film) *''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973) *''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)#sequel|Robin Hood 2]]'' (TBA; Walt Disney Animation Studios) *''[[Robin Hood (2010 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (2010) *''[[Robin Hood: Men in Tights]]'' *''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[RoboCop]]'' *''[[RoboCop 2]]'' *''[[RoboCop 3]]'' *''[[Robot Monster]]'' *''[[Robots]]'' *''[[w:Robots (2005 film)#Sequel|Robots 2]]'' (TBA 20th Century Animation) *[[The Rock (film)|''Rock'', ''The'']] *''[[Rock & Rule]]'' *''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' *''[[Rock of Ages (2012 film)|Rock of Ages]]'' (2012) *''[[RockNRolla]]'' *''[[Rocky (film)|Rocky]]'' *''[[Rocky II]]'' *''[[Rocky III]]'' *''[[Rocky IV]]'' *''[[Rocky V]]'' *''[[w:Rocky V#Sequel|Rocky VI]]'' (TBA Universal Pictures) *''[[Rocky Balboa (film)|Rocky Balboa]]'' *''[[The Rocky Horror Picture Show|Rocky Horror Picture Show, The]]'' *''[[Rocketman (film)|Rocketman]]'' (2019) *''[[Rogue (film)|Rogue]]'' *''[[Rogue One: A Star Wars Story]]'' *''[[Role Models]]'' *''[[Rolling Thunder (film)|Rolling Thunder]]'' *''[[Roman Holiday]]'' *''[[Romancing the Stone]]'' *''[[Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss]]'' *''[[Romeo Must Die]]'' *''[[Romper Stomper]]'' *''[[Romy and Michele's High School Reunion]]'' *''[[Ron's Gone Wrong]]'' *''[[Room (2015 film)|Room]]'' (2015) *''[[Room and Bird]]'' *''[[The Room (film)|Room, The]]'' *''[[Rope (film)|Rope]]'' *''[[Rosé All Day (film)|Rosé All Day]]'' *''[[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary's Baby]]'' *''[[Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead]]'' *''[[Rough Night]]'' *''[[Rounders]]'' *''[[Rover Dangerfield]]'' *''[[Roxanne (film)|Roxanne]]'' *''[[The Royal Tenenbaums|Royal Tenenbaums, The]]'' *''[[Rudy (film)|Rudy]]'' *''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' *''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' *[[The Rugrats Movie|''Rugrats Movie'', ''The'']] *[[The Rules of the Game|''Rules of the Game'', ''The'']] *[[The Ruling Class|''Ruling Class'', ''The'']] *''[[Runaway Bride]]'' *[[The Rundown|''Rundown'', ''The'']] *[[The Running Man (film)|''Running Man'', ''The'']] *''[[Running on Empty (1988 film)|Running on Empty]]'' (1988) *[[Rush (1991 film)|''Rush'']] (1991) *''[[Rush Hour]]'' *''[[Rush Hour 2]]'' *''[[Rush Hour 3]]'' *''[[Rushmore]]'' *''[[RV]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[S Club Seeing Double]]'' *''[[Saboteur (film)|Saboteur]]'' *''[[Sabrina (1954 film)|Sabrina]]'' (1954) *''[[Sahara (film)|Sahara]]'' *''[[St. Elmo's Fire (film)|St. Elmo's Fire]]'' *''[[The Saint (1997 film)|Saint, The]]'' *''[[Saint Joan (film)|Saint Joan]]'' *''[[Saludos Amigos]]'' *''[[Salvador (film)|Salvador]]'' *''[[Samurai X]]'' *[[The Sandlot|''Sandlot'', ''The'']] *''[[Sands of Iwo Jima]]'' *''[[Sanjuro]]'' *''[[Santa Claus: The Movie]]'' *[[The Santa Clause|''Santa Clause'', ''The'']] *[[The Santa Clause 2|''Santa Clause 2'', ''The'']] *[[The Santa Clause 3:The Escape Clause|''Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause'', ''The'']] *''[[Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]]'' *''[[Saturday Night Fever]]'' *[[The Savages (film)|''Savages'', ''The'']] *''[[Save the Last Dance]]'' *''[[Saved!]]'' *''[[Saving Private Ryan]]'' *''[[Saving Silverman]]'' *''[[Saw (2004 film)|Saw]]'' (2004) *''[[Saw II]]'' *''[[Saw III]]'' *''[[Saw IV]]'' *''[[Saw V]]'' *''[[Saw VI]]'' *''[[Saw 3D]]'' *''[[Say Anything...]]'' *''[[The Scarecrow (2000 film)|Scarecrow, The]]'' (2000) *''[[Scarface]]'' *''[[Scary Movie]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 2]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 3]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 4]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 5]]'' *''[[Scent of a Woman]]'' *''[[Schindler's List]]'' *''[[School Dance (film)|School Dance]]'' *''[[School of Rock]]'' *''[[School Ties]]'' *[[The Science of Sleep|''Science of Sleep'', ''The'']] *''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'' (2002) *''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' (2004) *''[[Scoob!]]'' (2020) *''[[Scoop]]'' *[[Scorpio (film)|''Scorpio'']] *''[[Scott Pilgrim vs. the World]]'' *''[[Scream (1996 film)|Scream]]'' (1996) *''[[Scream (2022 film)|Scream]]'' (2022) *''[[Scream 2]]'' *''[[Scream 3]]'' *''[[Scream 4]]'' *''[[Scrooged]]'' *''[[Second Act (film)|Second Act]]'' *''[[Secondhand Lions]]'' *[[The Secret (film)|''Secret'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret Garden (1993 film)|''Secret Garden'', ''The'']] (1993) *[[The Secret in Their Eyes|''Secret in Their Eyes'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret of NIMH|''Secret of NIHM'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue|''Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue'', ''The'']] *''[[Secret Window]]'' *''[[The Secret World of Arrietty]]'' *''[[Semi-Pro]]'' *''[[Sense and Sensibility (film)|Sense and Sensibility]]'' *''[[Sentimental Value]]'' *''[[September 5 (film)|September 5]]'' *''[[Serendipity (film)|Serendipity]]'' *''[[Serenity (film)|Serenity]]'' *''[[Serial Mom]]'' *''[[Serpico]]'' *''[[Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird]]'' *[[The Set-Up (1949 film)|''The Set-Up'']] (1949) *''[[Se7en]]'' *''[[Seven Brides for Seven Brothers]]'' *''[[Seven Days in May]]'' *''[[Seven Pounds]]'' *[[The Seven Samurai|''Seven Samurai'', ''The'']] *''[[Seven Years in Tibet (1997 film)|Seven Years in Tibet]]'' *[[The Seventh Seal|''Seventh Seal'', ''The'']] *''[[The Seventh Veil]]'' *''[[Sex and the City: The Movie]]'' *''[[Sex Appeal]]'' *''[[Sex Drive (film)|Sex Drive]]'' *''[[Sex, Lies, and Videotape]]'' *''[[Sex Tape]]'' *''[[Sexy Beast]]'' *''[[Sgt. Bilko]]'' *[[The Shadow (1994 film)|''Shadow'', ''The'']] (1994) *''[[Shadowlands]]'' *''[[Shaft's Big Score]]'' *[[The Shaggy Dog (2006 film)|''Shaggy Dog'', ''The'']] (2006) *''[[Shakespeare in Love]]'' *''[[Shallow Hal]]'' *''[[Shane]]'' *''[[Shark Tale]]'' *''[[Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure]]'' *''[[Shaun of the Dead]]'' *[[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'', ''The'']] *''[[She Done Him Wrong]]'' *''[[She-Devil]]'' *''[[She is Love (film)|She is Love]]'' *''[[Shenandoah (film)|Shenandoah]]'' *''[[Sherlock Gnomes]]'' *''[[Sherlock Holmes (2009 film)|Sherlock Holmes]]'' (2009) {{Col-3}} *''[[Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows]]'' *''[[She's All That]]'' *''[[She's Out of My League]]'' *''[[She's the Man]]'' *''[[Shine (film)|Shine]]'' *[[The Shining (film)|''Shining'', ''The'']] *''[[Shoot 'Em Up]]'' *''[[Shooter (film)|Shooter]]'' *''[[Short Circuit]]'' *''[[Shorts (2009 film)|Shorts]]'' *[[A Shot in the Dark (1964 film)|''Shot in the Dark'', ''A'' (1964)]] *''[[Shrek]]'' *''[[Shrek 2]]'' *''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' *''[[Shrek the Third]]'' *''[[Shrek the Halls]]'' *''[[Shutter Island (film)|Shutter Island]]'' *''[[Sicario (2015 film)|Sicario]]'' (2015) *''[[Signs]]'' *[[The Silence of the Lambs (film)|''Silence of the Lambs'', ''The'']] *''[[Silver Bullet (film)|Silver Bullet]]'' *''[[Silver Linings Playbook]]'' *''[[Silver Streak (1976 film)|Silver Streak]]'' *''[[Simon Birch]]'' *[[The Simpsons Movie|''Simpsons Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Sin City (film)|Sin City]]'' *''[[Sinatra (TV miniseries)|Sinatra]]'' (1992) *''[[Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas]]'' *''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'' *''[[Singles (1992 film)|Singles]]'' (1992) *''[[Sisters (2015 film)|Sisters]]'' (2015) *''[[Sixteen Candles]]'' *[[The Sixth Sense|''Sixth Sense'', ''The'']] *''[[Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow]]'' *''[[Sky High]]'' *''[[Slacker (film)|Slacker]]'' *''[[Slap Her She's French]]'' *''[[Slap Shot]]'' *''[[SLC Punk!]]'' *''[[Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1959) *''[[Sleeping with Other People]]'' *''[[Sleeping with the Enemy]]'' *''[[Sleepless in Seattle]]'' *''[[Sleepover (film)|Sleepover]]'' *''[[Sleepy Hollow (film)|Sleepy Hollow]]'' *''[[Sling Blade]]'' *''[[Slumdog Millionaire]]'' *''[[Toy Story Toons#Small Fry .5B2.5D|Small Fry]]'' *''[[Small Soldiers]]'' *''[[Smokin' Aces]]'' *[[The Smurfs (film)|''Smurfs'', ''The'']] (2011) *[[The Smurfs 2|''Smurfs 2'', ''The'']] (2013) *''[[Snatch]]'' *''[[Snatched (2017 film)|Snatched]]'' (2017) *''[[Sneakers (1992 film)|Sneakers]]'' (1992) *[[Snitch (film)|''Snitch'']] *''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' *''[[Snow]]'' *''[[Snow Dogs]]'' *''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937) *''[[Snowpiercer]]'' *''[[So I Married an Axe Murderer]]'' *''[[Soapdish]]'' *''[[Some Like It Hot]]'' *''[[Someone Great (film)|Someone Great]]'' *''[[Something Wicked This Way Comes (film)|Something Wicked This Way Comes]]'' *''[[Something's Gotta Give (film)|Something's Gotta Give]]'' *''[[Sometimes in April]]'' *''[[Somewhere in Time]]'' *''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' *''[[Son of the Mask]]'' *[[The Song of Sway Lake|''Song of Sway Lake'', ''The'']] *''[[Song of the South]]'' *''[[Songwriter]]'' *''[[Sons of the Desert]]'' *[[The Sons of Eilaboun|''Sons of Eilaboun'', ''The'']] *''[[Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]'' *''[[Sorcerer (film)|Sorcerer]]'' *[[The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010 film)|''Sorcerer's Apprentice'', ''The'']] (2010) *''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020) *''[[Soul Men]]'' *''[[Soul Plane]]'' *''[[Soul Surfer]]'' *[[The Sound of Music|''Sound of Music'', ''The'']] *''[[Southland Tales]]'' *''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' *''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' *''[[Soylent Green]]'' *''[[Space Chimps]]'' *''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996) *''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021) *''[[Spaceballs]]'' *''[[The Spanish Prisoner|Spanish Prisoner, The]]'' *''[[Spartacus]]'' *''[[Spartan (film)|Spartan]]'' *''[[The Special Relationship (film)|Special Relationship, The]]'' (2010) *''[[The Spectacular Now|Spectacular Now, The]]'' *''[[Speech & Debate]]'' *''[[Speed (1994 film)|Speed]]'' (1994) *''[[Speed 2: Cruise Control]]'' *''[[Speed Racer (2008 film)|Speed Racer]]'' (2008) *''[[Spider-Man (film)|Spider-Man]]'' *''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' *''[[Spider-Man 3]]'' *''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' *''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' *''[[Spies in Disguise]]'' *''[[Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron]]'' *''[[Spirit Untamed]]'' *''[[Spirited Away]]'' *''[[Splash (film)|Splash]]'' *[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|''SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water'', ''The'']] {{Col-3}} *[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|''SpongeBob SquarePants Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Spontaneous (film)|Spontaneous]]'' *''[[Spotlight (film)|Spotlight]]'' *''[[Spring Breakers (film)|Spring Breakers]]'' *''[[Spy (2015 film)|Spy]]'' (2015) *''[[Spy Hard]]'' *''[[Stage Door]]'' *''[[Stage Fright (film)|Stage Fright]]'' *''[[Stagecoach (1939 film)‎|Stagecoach]]'' (1939) *''[[Stand and Deliver]]'' *''[[Stand by Me (film)|Stand by Me]]'' *''[[The Stanford Prison Experiment (film)|Stanford Prison Experiment, The]]'' *''[[The Star (2017 film)|Star, The]]'' *''[[A Star Is Born (1937 film)|A Star Is Born]]'' (1937) *''[[A Star Is Born (1954 film)|A Star Is Born]]'' (1954) *''[[The Star Chamber|Star Chamber, The]]'' *''[[Star Kid]]'' *''[[Star Trek (film)|Star Trek]]'' (2009) *''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (1979) *''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' *''[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]]'' *''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' *''[[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]]'' *''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'' *''[[Star Trek: First Contact]]'' *''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' *''[[Star Trek: Insurrection]]'' *''[[Star Trek Nemesis]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (film)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker]]'' *''[[Stardust (2007 film)|Stardust]]'' (2007) *''[[Stargate (film)|Stargate]]'' *''[[Starship Troopers (film)|Starship Troopers]]'' *''[[Starsky and Hutch (film)|Starsky and Hutch]]'' *''[[State of Grace (film)|State of Grace]]'' *''[[Staten Island Summer]]'' *''[[Status Update]]'' *''[[Stay Alive]]'' *''[[Staying Alive]]'' *''[[Stay Tuned (film)|Stay Tuned]]'' *''[[Stealing Harvard]]'' *''[[Steamboat Willie]]'' *''[[Steel Magnolias]]'' *''[[Step Brothers]]'' *''[[Step Up]]'' *''[[Step Up 2: The Streets]]'' *''[[Step Up 3D]]'' *''[[Step Up Revolution]]'' *''[[Step Up: All In]]'' *''[[Step Up: Year of the Dance]]'' *''[[The Stepfather (1987 film)|Stepfather, The]]'' (1987) *''[[The Stepfather (2009 film)|Stepfather, The]]'' (2009) *''[[Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]]'' *''[[The Sting|Sting, The]]'' *''[[Stir Crazy (film)|Stir Crazy]]'' *''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' *''[[Straight Outta Compton (film)]]'' *''[[Strange Brew]]'' *''[[Strange Days (film)|Strange Days]]'' *''[[The Strange Love of Martha Ivers|Strange Love of Martha Ivers, The]]'' *''[[The Stranger (1946 film)|Stranger, The]]'' (1946) *''[[Stranger on the Third Floor]]'' *''[[Stranger than Fiction]]'' *''[[Stripes]]'' *''[[Striptease]]'' *''[[Stuart Little (film)|Stuart Little]]'' *''[[Stuart Little 2]]'' *''[[The Substance]]'' *''[[Stuck in Love (film)|Stuck in Love]]'' *''[[Sucker Punch (film)|Sucker Punch]]'' *''[[Sudden Impact]]'' *''[[The Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad, The]]'' *''[[Summer '03]]'' *''[[Summer of Love (2019 film)|Summer of Love]]'' *''[[The Sundowners|Sundowners, The]]'' *''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'' *''[[Sunshine]]'' *''[[Super (film)|Super]]'' *''[[Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' *''[[Super Size Me]]'' *''[[Super Troopers]]'' *''[[Superbad]]'' *''[[Superhero Movie]]'' *''[[Superman Returns]]'' *''[[Superstar]]'' *''[[Surf II]]'' *''[[Surf's Up]]'' *''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' *''[[Surrogates (film)|Surrogates]]'' *''[[Surviving Sid]]'' *''[[Suspicion (film)|Suspicion]]'' *[[The Swan Princess|''Swan Princess'', ''The'']] *''[[S.W.A.T. (film)|S.W.A.T.]]'' *''[[Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street]]'' *''[[Sweet Home Alabama]]'' *[[The Sweetest Thing|''Sweetest Thing'', ''The'']] *''[[Swimming to Cambodia]]'' *''[[Swimming with Sharks]]'' *''[[Swingers]]'' *''[[Switched (2020 film)|Switched]]'' (2020) *[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|''Sword in the Stone'', ''The'']] *''[[Swordfish]]'' *''[[Sydney White]]'' *''[[Symphony Hour]]'' {{Col-end}} ==Requested== ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Pants on Fire]]'' * ''[[Party Girl (1958 film)|Party Girl]]'' (1958) * ''[[Party Girl (1995 film)|Party Girl]]'' (1995) * ''[[P.S. I Love You]]'' * ''[[Passenger 57]]'' * ''[[The Passion of Darkly Noon|Passion of Darkly Noon, The]]'' * ''[[Payback]]'' * ''[[Percy Jackson Sea Of Monsters]]'' * ''[[A Perfect Murder|Perfect Murder, A]]'' * ''[[Pete's Dragon]]'' (1977) * ''[[Phonebooth (film)|Phonebooth]]'' * ''[[The Pianist|Pianist, The]]'' * ''[[The Picture of Dorian Gray (film)|Picture of Dorian Gray, The]]'' * ''[[Pirates (1986 film)|Pirates]]'' * ''[[Pirates of Silicon Valley]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Plane Crazy]]'' * ''[[Planet Terror]]'' * ''[[Pluto at the Zoo]]'' * ''[[Pluto's Christmas Tree]]'' * ''[[Plutopia]]'' * ''[[Poetic Justice]]'' * ''[[Polyester]]'' * ''[[Porky Chops]]'' * ''[[Porky's Party]]'' * ''[[Porky's Romance]]'' * ''[[The Portrait of a Lady (film)|Portrait of a Lady, The]]'' *''[[Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw]]'' * ''[[Premonition (1972 film)|Premonition]]'' (1972) * ''[[Premonition (2004 film)|Premonition]]'' (2004) * ''[[Premonition (2007 film)|Premonition]]'' (2007) * ''[[Prime (film)|Prime]]'' * ''[[Princess O'Rourke]]'' * ''[[Problem Child 2]]'' * ''[[Problem Child 3: Junior in Love]]'' * ''[[Prom Night (1980 film)|Prom Night]]'' (1980) * ''[[PU-239]]'' * ''[[Punch Drunk Love]]'' * ''[[Purple Noon]]'' {{Col-end}} ===Q=== * [[Quo Vadis (1924 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (1924) * [[Quo Vadis (2001 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (2001) ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Radio (2003 film)|Radio]]'' * ''[[Radio Days]]'' * ''[[The Raggedy Rawney|Raggedy Rawney, The]]'' * ''[[Raise Your Voice]]'' * ''[[Rakeman]]'' * ''[[Ramona and Beezus]]'' * ''[[Ready to Rumble]]'' * ''[[Real Life]]'' * ''[[Real Steel]]'' * ''[[A reasonable Man|Reasonable Man, A]]'' * ''[[REC]]'' * ''[[Reckless (1935 film)|Reckless]]'' (1935) * ''[[Reckless (1951 film)|Reckless]]'' (1951) * ''[[Reckless (1984 film)|Reckless]]'' (1984) * ''[[Reckless (1995 film)|Reckless]]'' (1995) * ''[[RED 2]]'' * ''[[The Red Danube|Red Danube, The]]'' * ''[[The Red Turtle|Red Turtle, The]]'' * ''[[Redwoods]]'' * ''[[Red Scorpion]]'' * ''[[Reindeer Games]]'' * ''[[Remember My Name]]'' * ''[[Resident Evil: Extinction]]'' * ''[[Restoration (film)|Restoration]]'' * ''[[Revolutionary Road]]'' * ''[[Return Engagement (1983 film)|Return Engagement]]'' (1983) * ''[[Return Engagement (1990 film)|Return Engagement]]'' (1990) * ''[[Riddick (film)|Riddick]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Ringer|Ringer, The]]'' * ''[[Ripley Under Ground (film)|Ripley Under Ground]]'' * ''[[Roadie (film)|Roadie]]'' * ''[[Robot & Frank]]'' * ''[[Robots 2]]'' * ''[[The Rocking Horse Winner|Rocking Horse Winner, The]]'' * ''[[Rollerball (1975 film)|Rollerball]]'' (1975) * ''[[Romeo and Juliet (1968 film)|Romeo and Juliet]]'' (1968) * ''[[Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss]]'' * ''[[Rooster Cogburn and the Lady]]'' * ''[[Röövlirahnu Martin]]'' * ''[[Ruby Cairo]]'' * ''[[The Rum Diary (film)|The Rum Diary]]'' * ''[[Rumor Has It...]]'' * ''[[Run For Cover (film)|Run for Cover]]'' (1955) * ''[[Run Lola Run]]'' * ''[[Rue Cases Negres]]'' * ''[[The Runaways (film)|Runaways, The]]'' * ''[[Runaway Train (film)|Runaway Train]]'' * ''[[Running Scared (1972 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1972) * ''[[Running Scared (1980 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1980) * ''[[Running Scared (1986 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1986) * ''[[Running Scared (2006 film)|Running Scared]]'' (2006) * ''[[Run Ronnie Run]]'' * ''[[The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming|Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming, The]]'' * ''[[Rusty: A Dog's Tale]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} *''[[S Club 7: Artistic Differences]]'' * ''[[S Club 7: Back to the 50's]]'' *''[[S Club 7: Boyfriends & Birthdays]]'' *''[[S Club 7: Christmas Special]]'' * ''[[Sabrina (1995 film)|Sabrina]]'' (1995)<!--[[Sabrina (1954 film)]] is already on the existing list--> * ''[[Saint Trinians]]'' * ''[[Samson and Sally]]'' * ''[[San Andreas]]'' * ''[[Sarfarosh]]'' * ''[[Sanctum (film)|Sanctum]]'' * [[The Sandwich Man|''Sandwich Man'', ''The'']] * ''[[Santa Fe Trail (film)|Santa Fe Trail]]'' * [[The Savage Innocents|''Savage Innocents'', ''The'']] * ''[[Say It Isn't So]]'' * [[The Scalphunters|''Scalphunters'', ''The'']] * [[The Scarlett Letter (1908 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1908) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1911 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1911) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1913 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1913) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1917 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1917) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1920 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1920) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1922 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1922) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1926 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1926) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1934 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1934) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1973 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1973) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1995 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1995) * [[The Scarlett Letter (2004 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (2004) * [[The Scorch Trials (2015 film)| ''Scorch Trials'', ''The'']] (2015) * ''[[School for Scoundrels (1960 film)|School for Scoundrels]]'' (1960) * ''[[School for Scoundrels (2006 film)|School for Scoundrels]]'' (2006) * ''[[Screamers (1995 film)|Screamers]]'' (1995) * ''[[Screamers (2006 film)|Screamers]]'' (2006) * [[The Secret Life of Words|''Secret Life of Words'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret Life of Bees (film)|''Secret Life of Bees'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret Lives of Dentists|''Secret Lives of Dentists'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret of Kells|''Secret of Kells'', ''The'']] * ''[[Secret of the Wings]]'' * ''[[Secretariat (2010)|Secretariat]]'' (2010) * ''[[Secretary (1976 film)|Secretary]]'' (1976) * ''[[Secretary (2002 film)|Secretary]]'' (2002) * [[The Secretary (1938 film)|''Secretary'', ''The'']] (1938) * [[The Secretary (1995 film)|''Secretary'', ''The'']] (1995) * ''[[See Spot Run (2001 film)|''See Spot Run'']]'' (2001) * [[The Serpent and the Rainbow (film)|''Serpent and the Rainbow'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sesame Street Presents Follow That Bird]]'' * [[The Seventh Bullet|''Seventh Bullet'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sex and the Single Girl (film)|Sex and the Single Girl]]'' * ''[[The Shadow (film)|The Shadow]]'' * [[The Shakiest Gun in the West|''Shakiest Gun in the West'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shampoo (film)|Shampoo]]'' * ''[[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]'' * ''[[Shadows in the Sun]]'' * ''[[Shapes: Round, Square, and In-Between]]'' * ''[[Sharky's Machine (film)|Sharky's Machine]]'' * ''[[She's So Lovely]]'' * ''[[Shiloh (film)|Shiloh]]'' * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1947 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1947) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1960 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1960) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1963 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1963) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1988 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1988) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1990 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1990) * [[The Shootist|''Shootist'', ''The'']] * [[The Shop Around the Corner|''Shop Around the Corner'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shopgirl]]'' * ''[[Short Circuit 2]]'' * ''[[Sicario]]'' * [[The Sicilian (film)|''Sicilian'', ''The'']] * [[The Siege|''Siege'', ''The'']] * ''[[Silverado (film)|Silverado]]'' * ''[[Simone (film)|Simone]]'' * ''[[Skat Strut]]'' * ''[[Slam Dunk Ernest]]'' * ''[[Sleeper (film)|Sleeper]]'' * ''[[Sleepers (film)|Sleepers]]'' * ''[[Sleeping Dogs]]'' * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (1998 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (1998) * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (2005 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (2005) * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (2006 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (2006) * ''[[Smart People]]'' * ''[[Sneakers (2011 film)|Sneakers]]'' (2011) * ''[[Solaris (1968 film)|Solaris]]'' (1968) * ''[[Solaris (1972 film)|Solaris]]'' (1972) * ''[[Solaris (2002 film)|Solaris]]'' (2002) {{Col-2}} * ''[[Some Like it Hot]]'' * ''[[Something's Gotta Give]]'' * ''[[Song of Norway]]'' * ''[[Songs from Mother Goose]]'' * ''[[Sordid Lives]]'' * ''[[Soul (film)|Soul]]'' * ''[[Soul Man (film)|Soul Man]]'' * ''[[Space Cowboys]]'' * ''[[Sphere (film)|Sphere]]'' * ''[[Spun]]'' * ''[[Stalingrad (1943 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1943) * ''[[Stalingrad (1989 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1989) * ''[[Stalingrad (1993 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1993) * ''[[Stalingrad (2013 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (2013) * ''[[Stalingrad: Dogs, Do You Want to Live Forever?]]'' (1959) * ''[[Stanley, the Ugly Duckling]]'' * ''[[Stay (2005 film)|Stay]]'' (2005) * ''[[Stay (2013 film)|Stay]]'' (2013) * [[The Steamroller and the Violin|''Steamroller and the Violin'', ''The'']] * ''[[Stepmom (film)|Stepmom]]'' * ''[[Step Up 2: The Streets]]'' * ''[[Step Up 3D]]'' * ''[[Step Up: All In]]'' * ''[[Step Up Revolution]]'' * ''[[Stepfather II]]'' * ''[[Stepfather III]]'' * ''[[Stormy Monday]]'' * ''[[Story of O (film)|Story of O]]'' * ''[[Straight Talk]]'' * ''[[Stranger (2006 film)|Stranger]]'' (2006) * ''[[Stranger (2009 film)|Stranger]]'' (2009) * ''[[Stranger (2015 film)|Stranger]]'' (2015) * [[The Stranger (1918 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1918) * [[The Stranger (1920 film) (5-reel)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1920) (5-reel) * [[The Stranger (1920 film) (2-reel)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1920) (2-reel) * [[The Stranger (1924 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1924) * [[The Stranger (1962 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1962)<!--[[The Stranger (1946 film)]] is already on the existing list.--> * [[The Stranger (1967 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1967) * [[The Stranger (1973 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1973) * [[The Stranger (1984 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1984) * [[The Stranger (1987 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1987) * [[The Stranger (1991 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1991) * [[The Stranger (1995 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1995) * [[The Stranger (2000 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2000) * [[The Stranger (2010 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2010) * [[The Stranger (2012 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2012) * [[The Stranger (2014 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2014) * ''[[Strangers (1992 film)|Strangers]]'' (1992) * ''[[Strangers (2003 film)|Strangers]]'' (2003) * ''[[Strangers (2004 film)|Strangers]]'' (2004) * ''[[Strangers (2006 film)|Strangers]]'' (2006) * ''[[Strangers (2007 Bollywood film)|Strangers]]'' (2007 Bollywood) * ''[[Strangers (2007 Israeli film)|Strangers]]'' (2007 Israeli) * ''[[Strangers (2009 film)|Strangers]]'' (2009) * ''[[Strangers: The Story of a Mother and Daughter]]'' (1979) * [[The Strangers (2008 film)|''Strangers'', ''The'']] (2008) * [[The Strangers (2012 film)|''Strangers'', ''The'']] (2012) * ''[[Strange Cargo]]'' * ''[[Strange Wilderness]]'' * ''[[Strangers With Candy (film)|Strangers With Candy]]'' * ''[[Strawberry Shortcake: The Sweet Dreams Movie]]'' * ''[[Street Smart (film)|Street Smart]]'' * ''[[Stuck On You (film)|Stuck On You]]'' * ''[[Submarine (1928 film)|Submarine]]'' (1928) * ''[[Submarine (2010 film)|Submarine]]'' (2010) * ''[[Sügis]]'' * ''[[Suicide Squad]]'' * ''[[Summer School (film)|Summer School]]'' * ''[[Sumo of the Opera]]'' * ''[[Sun Valley Serenade]]'' * [[The Supernaturals (film)|''Supernaturals'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sweet Land]]'' * ''[[Sweet November (1986 film)|Sweet November]]'' (1986) * ''[[Sweet November (2001 film)|Sweet November]]'' (2001) * ''[[Sweetie (1929 film)|Sweetie]]'' (1929) * ''[[Sweetie (film)|Sweetie]]'' (1989) {{Col-end}} ==Notes== '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new film articles to this list. '''When you add a title to this list, please add it in proper alphabetical order within the appropriate section.''' When creating a page for a film, please include the year the film was released and list key creators of the film, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:List of films|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote talk:Templates#Films & TV Shows|Templates#Films & TV Shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for film articles. After a film article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for film quotations, please help us expand film articles that need attention, which are listed at [[:Category:Film stubs|Film stubs]] and [[:Category:Film cleanup|Film cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} * [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes]] (greatest movie quotes) *[[List of films (A–C)]] *[[List of films (D–F)]] *[[List of films (G–I)]] *[[List of films (J–L)]] *[[List of films (M–O)]] *[[List of films (T–V)]] *[[List of films (W–Z)]] [[Category:Films|*]] [[Category:Lists|films]] [[Category:Lists of films]] 7a3zq996srtgmu77fj67o3yjltbrrqm 3944538 3944536 2026-05-23T17:07:20Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 /* P */ 3944538 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of films:''' ---- [[List of films (A–C)##|#]] - [[List of films (A–C)#A|A]] - [[List of films (A–C)#B|B]] - [[List of films (A–C)#C|C]] - [[List of films (D–F)#D|D]] - [[List of films (D–F)#E|E]] - [[List of films (D–F)#F|F]] - [[List of films (G–I)#G|G]] - [[List of films (G–I)#H|H]] - [[List of films (G–I)#I|I]] - [[List of films (J–L)#J|J]] - [[List of films (J-L)#K|K]] - [[List of films (J-L)#L|L]] - [[List of films (M-O)#M|M]] - [[List of films (M-O)#N|N]] - [[List of films (M-O)#O|O]] - [[List of films (P–S)#P|P]] - [[List of films (P–S)#Q|Q]] - [[List of films (P–S)#R|R]] - [[List of films (P–S)#S|S]] - [[List of films (T–V)#T|T]] - [[List of films (T–V)#U|U]] - [[List of films (T–V)#V|V]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific Rim]]'' *''[[Pacific Rim Uprising]]'' *[[The Pacifier|''Pacifier'', ''The'']] *''[[The Package (1989 film)|Package, The]]'' (1989) *''[[Paddington (film)|Paddington]]'' *''[[Paddington 2]]'' *''[[Paddington in Peru]]'' *''[[Padmaavat]]'' *[[The Pagemaster|''Pagemaster'', ''The'']] *[[The Painted Veil (2006 film)|''Painted Veil'', ''The'']] (2006) *''[[Palm Springs (2020 film)|Palm Springs]]'' (2020) *''[[Palm Swings (2020 film)|Palm Swings]]'' (2020) *''[[Pandorum]]'' *''[[Paparazzi]]'' *[[The Paper Chase (film)|''Paper Chase'', ''The'']] *''[[Paper Towns (film)|Paper Towns]]'' *[[The Paradine Case|''Paradine Case'', ''The'']] *[[The Parallax View|''Parallax View'', ''The'']] *''[[Paranormal Activity]]'' *[[Parasite (2019 film)|''Parasite'']] (2019) *''[[Parenthood (film)|Parenthood]]'' *[[The Parent Trap (1961_film)|''Parent Trap'', ''The'']] (1961) *[[The Parent Trap (1998_film)|''Parent Trap'', ''The'']] (1998) *[[The Party (film)|''Party'', ''The'']] *''[[Party Monster]]'' *''[[Toy Story Toons#Partysaurus Rex .5B3.5D|Partysaurus Rex]]'' *[[The Passion of the Christ|''Passion of the Christ'', ''The'']] *''[[Patch Adams (film)|''Patch Adams'']]'' *''[[Paths of Glory]]'' *[[The Patriot|''Patriot'', ''The'']] *''[[Patriot Games]]'' *''[[Patton (film)|Patton]]'' *''[[Paul Blart: Mall Cop]]'' *[[The Pawnbroker (film)|''Pawnbroker'', ''The'']] *''[[Pay It Forward]]'' *''[[Paycheck (film)|Paycheck]]'' *''[[PCU]]'' *''[[Peace on Earth (film)|''Peace on Earth'']]'' *''[[Peaceful Warrior]]'' *[[The Peacemaker|''Peacemaker'', ''The'']] *''[[Pearl (2022 film)|Pearl]]'' (2022) *[[The Pebble and the Penguin|''Pebble and the Penguin'', ''The'']] *''[[Pee-wee's Big Adventure]]'' *''[[Peggy Sue Got Married]]'' *[[The Pelican Brief (film)|''Pelican Brief'', ''The'']] *''[[Penelope (2008 film)|Penelope]]'' *''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]'' *''[[The People I've Slept With|People I've Slept With, The]]'' *[[The People vs. Larry Flynt|''People vs. Larry Flynt'', ''The'']] *''[[Peppa Pig: The Golden Boots]]'' *''[[Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief]]'' *''[[The Perfect Cheerleader (2019 film)|Perfect Cheerleader, The]]'' (2019) *[[The Perfect Storm|''Perfect Storm'', ''The'']] *[[The Perks of Being a Wallflower (film)|''Perks of Being a Wallflower'', ''The'']] *''[[Pet Sematary (film)|Pet Sematary]]'' *''[[Pearl (2022 film)|Pearl]] (2022) *''[[Peter Pan (1924 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1924) *''[[Peter Pan (1953 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (1953) *''[[Peter Pan (2003 film)|Peter Pan]]'' (2003) *''[[Peter Pan & Wendy (2023 film)|Peter Pan & Wendy]]'' (2023) * ''[[Peter Rabbit (film)|Peter Rabbit]]'' *''[[Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway]]'' * ''[[Pete's Dragon (2016 film)|Pete's Dragon]]'' (2016) *[[The Phantom of the Opera (2004 film)|''Phantom of the Opera'', ''The'']] (2004) *''[[Phantom of the Paradise]]'' *''[[Phenomenon (film)|Phenomenon]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Philadelphia (film)|Philadelphia]]'' *[[The Philadelphia Story (1940)|''Philadelphia Story'', ''The'']] (1940) *''[[Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension]]'' *''[[Pi (film)|Pi]]'' *[[The Piano|''Piano'', ''The'']] *''[[Pickup on South Street]]'' *''[[Pillow Talk (film)|Pillow Talk]]'' *''[[Pineapple Express]]'' *''[[Pink Flamingos]]'' *''[[Pink Floyd The Wall (film)|Pink Floyd The Wall]]'' * ''[[The Pink Panther (1963 film)|Pink Panther, The]]'' (1963) *[[The Pink Panther Strikes Again|''Pink Panther Strikes Again'', ''The'']] *''[[Pinocchio (1940 film)|Pinocchio]]'' (1940) *''[[Pinocchio (2022 film)]]'' (2022) *''[[Pinocchio 3000 (2004 film)|Pinocchio 3000]]'' (2004) *[[The Pirate Movie|''Pirate Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Pirate Radio (a.k.a. The Boat That Rocked)]]'' *[[The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists (film)|''Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists'', ''The'']] *[[The Pirates of Penzance (film)|''Pirates of Penzance'', ''The'']] *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides]]'' *''[[Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl]]'' *[[The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie|''Pirates Who Don't Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Pixels (2015 film)|Pixels]]'' (2015) *''[[Pitch Black]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect 2]]'' *''[[Pitch Perfect 3]]'' *''[[Places in the Heart]]'' *''[[Plan 9 from Outer Space]]'' *''[[Planes (Film)|Planes]]'' *''[[Planes: Fire & Rescue]]'' *''[[Planes, Trains, and Automobiles]]'' *''[[Planet 51]]'' *''[[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (1968) *''[[Planet of the Apes (2001 film)|Planet of the Apes]]'' (2001) *''[[Plastic (2014 film)|Plastic]]'' (2014) *''[[Platoon]]'' *''[[Play Misty for Me]]'' *''[[The Player (film)|Player, The]]'' *''[[Playing By Heart]]'' *''[[Pleasantville]]'' *''[[Please Stand By]]'' *''[[Plus One (2019 film)|Plus One]]'' (2019) *''[[Pocahontas]]'' *''[[Point Break]]'' *''[[Pokemon]]'' * ''[[Pokémon Detective Pikachu]]'' *[[The Polar Express|''Polar Express'', ''The'']] *''[[Police Academy]]'' *''[[Police Woman (TV series)|Police Woman]]'' *''[[Poltergeist (film)|Poltergeist]]'' *''[[Ponette]]'' *''[[Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Pooh's Heffalump Halloween Movie]]'' *''[[Pooh's Heffalump Movie]]'' *''[[Poor Things (film)|Poor Things]]'' *''[[Pootie Tang]]'' *''[[Popeye (film)|Popeye]]'' *''[[Pope John Paul II (miniseries)|Pope John Paul II]]'' (2005) *''[[Porco Rosso]]'' *''[[Poseidon]]'' *[[The Poseidon Adventure|''Poseidon Adventure'', ''The'']] *''[[Possession]]'' *''[[The Post (film)|Post, The]]'' *[[The Postman Always Rings Twice|''Postman Always Rings Twice'', ''The'']] *''[[Powder]]'' *''[[The Power of the Dog (film)|Power of the Dog, The]]'' *''[[Practical Magic]]'' *''[[Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire]]'' *''[[Predator]]'' *''[[Predator 2]]'' *''[[Preggoland]]'' *[[The Prestige|''Prestige'', ''The'']] *''[[Presumed Innocent (film)|Presumed Innocent]]'' *''[[Pretty in Pink]]'' *''[[Pretty Woman]]'' *''[[Pride]]'' *''[[Pride and Prejudice (2005)|Pride and Prejudice]]'' (2005) *''[[Primal Fear]]'' *[[The Prince of Egypt|''Prince of Egypt'', ''The'']] *''[[Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (film)|Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time]]'' *[[The Princess and the Frog|''Princess and the Frog'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess and the Pea (2002 film)|''Princess and the Pea'', ''The'']] (2002) *[[The Princess Bride (film)|''Princess Bride'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess Diaries|''Princess Diaries'', ''The'']] *[[The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement|''Princess Diaries 2'', ''The: Royal Engagement'']] *''[[Princess Mononoke]]'' *''[[Princess O'Rourke]]'' *''[[Private Parts]]'' *''[[Problem Child]]'' *[[The Producers (1968 film)|''Producers'', ''The'']] (1968) *[[The Producers (2005 film)|''Producers'', ''The'']] (2005) *''[[Project ALF]]'' *''[[Project X (2012 film)|Project X]]'' (2012) *''[[Prom Night (2008 film)|Prom Night]]'' (2008) *''[[Prometheus (film)|Prometheus]]'' *''[[Promising Young Woman]]'' *[[The Prophecy|''Prophecy'', ''The'']] *[[The Proposition|''Proposition'', ''The'']] *''[[Protocol (film)|Protocol]]'' *[[The Proud Family Movie|''Proud Family Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Prozac Nation]]'' *''[[Psycho (1960 film)|Psycho]]'' (1960) *''[[Psycho II]]'' *''[[Psycho III]]'' *''[[Psycho (1998 film)|Psycho]]'' (1998) *''[[Public Enemies (2009 film)|Public Enemies]]'' (2009) *''[[Pulp Fiction]]'' *[[The Punisher|''Punisher'', ''The'']] *''[[Punisher: War Zone]]'' *''[[Purple Rain (film)|Purple Rain]]'' (1984) *[[The Purple Rose of Cairo|''Purple Rose of Cairo'', ''The'']] *[[The Pursuit of Happyness|''Pursuit of Happyness'', ''The'']] *''[[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|Puss in Boots]]'' (2011) *''[[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish|Puss in Boots: The Last Wish]]'' (2022) {{Col-end}} ===Q=== *''[[Quackodile Tears]]'' *''[[Quadrophenia]]'' *''[[Quantum of Solace]]'' *''[[Quarantine (2008 film)|Quarantine]]'' (2008) *[[The Queen (film)|''Queen'', ''The'']] *''[[Queen Christina (film)|Queen Christina]]'' *''[[Queen of Katwe]]'' *''[[Queen of the Damned]]'' *''[[Quest for Camelot]]'' *[[The Quick and the Dead|''Quick and the Dead'', ''The'']] *[[The Quiet Man|''Quiet Man'', ''The'']] *''[[Quiet Please!]]'' *''[[Quills]]'' * [[Quo Vadis (1951 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (1951) ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[Rabbit-Proof Fence]]'' *''[[Racing Stripes]]'' *''[[Radio Flyer (film)|Radio Flyer]]'' *[[The Rage: Carrie 2|''Rage: Carrie 2'', ''The'']] *''[[Raging Bull]]'' *''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' *''[[Rain Man]]'' *[[The Rainmaker (1997 film)|''Rainmaker'', ''The'']] (1997) *''[[Raising Arizona]]'' *''[[Raising Helen]]'' *''[[Ralph Breaks the Internet]]'' *''[[Ramayana: The Legend of Prince Rama]]'' *''[[Rambo: First Blood Part II]]'' *''[[Rambo III]]'' *''[[Rampage (2018 film)|Rampage]]'' *''[[Rango]]'' *''[[Rango#Sequel|Rango 2]]'' *''[[Ransom (1996 film)|Ransom]]'' (1996) *[[The Rapture (film)|''Rapture'', ''The'']] *''[[Rat Race (film)|Rat Race]]'' * ''[[The Rat Pack (film)|Rat Pack, The]]'' (1998) *''[[Ratchet & Clank (film)|Ratchet & Clank]]'' *''[[Ratatouille]]'' *''[[The Raven (1963 film)|Raven, The]]'' (1963) *''[[Raw Deal (1948 film)|Raw Deal]]'' (1948) *''[[Ray (film)|Ray]]'' *''[[Raya and the Last Dragon]]'' *[[The Razor's Edge|''Razor's Edge'', ''The'']] *[[The Reader|''Reader'', ''The'']] * ''[[Ready Player One (film)|Ready Player One]]'' *''[[Real Genius]]'' *''[[A Real Pain]]'' *''[[Reality Bites]]'' *''[[Reality High]]'' *''[[Really Big Shrimp]]'' *''[[Rear Window]]'' *''[[Rebecca (film)|Rebecca]]'' *''[[Rebel Without a Cause]]'' *''[[Rebound]]'' *''[[REC 2]]'' *[[The Reluctant Dragon (1941 film)|''Reluctant Dragon'', ''The'']] (1941) *''[[Red (2010 film)|RED]] (2010) *''[[Red Dawn]]'' *''[[Red Dragon]]'' *''[[Red Eye]]'' *''[[Red Hot Riding Hood]]'' *''[[Red River (film)|Red River]]'' *''[[Red Rock West]]'' *[[The Red Shoes (1948 film)|''Red Shoes'', ''The'']] (1948) *''[[Red Sonja (1985 film)|Red Sonja]]'' (1985) *''[[Red Tails]]'' *''[[Reds (film)|Reds]]'' *''[[Reefer Madness‎]]'' *''[[Regretting You]]'' *''[[Regular Show: The Movie]]'' *''[[Reign of Fire]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Reign Over Me]]'' *''[[Religulous]]'' *''[[Remember Me (2010 film)|Remember Me]]'' (2010) *''[[Remember the Titans]]'' *''[[Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins]]'' *''[[Rent (film)|Rent]]'' *[[The Replacements|''Replacements'', ''The'']] *''[[Repo Man]]'' *''[[Repo! The Genetic Opera]]'' *''[[Requiem for a Dream]]'' *[[The Rescuers|''Rescuers'', ''The'']] *[[The Rescuers Down Under|''Rescuers Down Under'', ''The'']] *''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' *''[[Resident Evil]]'' *''[[Resident Evil: Apocalypse]]'' *[[The Return of Jafar|''Return of Jafar'', ''The'']] *[[The Return of the Pink Panther|''Return of the Pink Panther'', ''The'']] *''[[Return to Never Land]]'' *''[[Return to the Blue Lagoon]]'' *[[The Revenant (2015 film)|''Revenant, The'']] (2015 film) * ''[[Revenge of the Pink Panther]]'' *''[[Reversal of Fortune]]'' *''[[Revolver (film)|Revolver]]'' *''[[Rich Boy, Rich Girl]]'' *''[[Riding the Bus with My Sister]]'' *[[The Right Stuff (film)|''Right Stuff'', ''The'']] *[[The Ring|''Ring'', ''The'']] *[[The Ring Two|''Ring Two'', ''The'']] *''[[Rio (film)|Rio]]'' *''[[Rio 2]]'' *''[[Ripley's Game (film)|Ripley's Game]]'' *''[[Rise of the Guardians]]'' *''[[Rise of the Planet of the Apes]]'' *''[[Rising Sun]]'' *''[[Risky Business]]'' *[[The Ritz|''Ritz'', ''The'']] *[[A River Runs Through It (film)|''River Runs Through It'', ''A'']] *''[[River's Edge]]'' * ''[[RKO 281]]'' *[[The Road (film)|''Road'', ''The'']] *''[[Road House]]'' *[[The Road to El Dorado|''Road to El Dorado'', ''The'']] *''[[Road to Perdition]]'' *''[[Road Trip]]'' *''[[w:Road Trip: Beer Pong|Road Trip 2]]'' (TBA; Paramount Pictures) *[[The Road Warrior|''Road Warrior'', ''The'']] *[[The Roaring Twenties|''Roaring Twenties'', ''The'']] *''[[Rob Roy (1995 film)|Rob Roy]]'' (1995 film) *''[[Robin Hood (1973 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (1973) *''[[w:Robin Hood (1973 film)#sequel|Robin Hood 2]]'' (TBA; Walt Disney Animation Studios) *''[[Robin Hood (2010 film)|Robin Hood]]'' (2010) *''[[Robin Hood: Men in Tights]]'' *''[[Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[RoboCop]]'' *''[[RoboCop 2]]'' *''[[RoboCop 3]]'' *''[[Robot Monster]]'' *''[[Robots]]'' *''[[w:Robots (2005 film)#Sequel|Robots 2]]'' (TBA 20th Century Animation) *[[The Rock (film)|''Rock'', ''The'']] *''[[Rock & Rule]]'' *''[[Rock-a-Doodle]]'' *''[[Rock of Ages (2012 film)|Rock of Ages]]'' (2012) *''[[RockNRolla]]'' *''[[Rocky (film)|Rocky]]'' *''[[Rocky II]]'' *''[[Rocky III]]'' *''[[Rocky IV]]'' *''[[Rocky V]]'' *''[[w:Rocky V#Sequel|Rocky VI]]'' (TBA Universal Pictures) *''[[Rocky Balboa (film)|Rocky Balboa]]'' *''[[The Rocky Horror Picture Show|Rocky Horror Picture Show, The]]'' *''[[Rocketman (film)|Rocketman]]'' (2019) *''[[Rogue (film)|Rogue]]'' *''[[Rogue One: A Star Wars Story]]'' *''[[Role Models]]'' *''[[Rolling Thunder (film)|Rolling Thunder]]'' *''[[Roman Holiday]]'' *''[[Romancing the Stone]]'' *''[[Romeo & Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss]]'' *''[[Romeo Must Die]]'' *''[[Romper Stomper]]'' *''[[Romy and Michele's High School Reunion]]'' *''[[Ron's Gone Wrong]]'' *''[[Room (2015 film)|Room]]'' (2015) *''[[Room and Bird]]'' *''[[The Room (film)|Room, The]]'' *''[[Rope (film)|Rope]]'' *''[[Rosé All Day (film)|Rosé All Day]]'' *''[[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary's Baby]]'' *''[[Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead]]'' *''[[Rough Night]]'' *''[[Rounders]]'' *''[[Rover Dangerfield]]'' *''[[Roxanne (film)|Roxanne]]'' *''[[The Royal Tenenbaums|Royal Tenenbaums, The]]'' *''[[Rudy (film)|Rudy]]'' *''[[Rugrats Go Wild]]'' *''[[Rugrats in Paris: The Movie]]'' *[[The Rugrats Movie|''Rugrats Movie'', ''The'']] *[[The Rules of the Game|''Rules of the Game'', ''The'']] *[[The Ruling Class|''Ruling Class'', ''The'']] *''[[Runaway Bride]]'' *[[The Rundown|''Rundown'', ''The'']] *[[The Running Man (film)|''Running Man'', ''The'']] *''[[Running on Empty (1988 film)|Running on Empty]]'' (1988) *[[Rush (1991 film)|''Rush'']] (1991) *''[[Rush Hour]]'' *''[[Rush Hour 2]]'' *''[[Rush Hour 3]]'' *''[[Rushmore]]'' *''[[RV]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[S Club Seeing Double]]'' *''[[Saboteur (film)|Saboteur]]'' *''[[Sabrina (1954 film)|Sabrina]]'' (1954) *''[[Sahara (film)|Sahara]]'' *''[[St. Elmo's Fire (film)|St. Elmo's Fire]]'' *''[[The Saint (1997 film)|Saint, The]]'' *''[[Saint Joan (film)|Saint Joan]]'' *''[[Saludos Amigos]]'' *''[[Salvador (film)|Salvador]]'' *''[[Samurai X]]'' *[[The Sandlot|''Sandlot'', ''The'']] *''[[Sands of Iwo Jima]]'' *''[[Sanjuro]]'' *''[[Santa Claus: The Movie]]'' *[[The Santa Clause|''Santa Clause'', ''The'']] *[[The Santa Clause 2|''Santa Clause 2'', ''The'']] *[[The Santa Clause 3:The Escape Clause|''Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause'', ''The'']] *''[[Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]]'' *''[[Saturday Night Fever]]'' *[[The Savages (film)|''Savages'', ''The'']] *''[[Save the Last Dance]]'' *''[[Saved!]]'' *''[[Saving Private Ryan]]'' *''[[Saving Silverman]]'' *''[[Saw (2004 film)|Saw]]'' (2004) *''[[Saw II]]'' *''[[Saw III]]'' *''[[Saw IV]]'' *''[[Saw V]]'' *''[[Saw VI]]'' *''[[Saw 3D]]'' *''[[Say Anything...]]'' *''[[The Scarecrow (2000 film)|Scarecrow, The]]'' (2000) *''[[Scarface]]'' *''[[Scary Movie]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 2]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 3]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 4]]'' *''[[Scary Movie 5]]'' *''[[Scent of a Woman]]'' *''[[Schindler's List]]'' *''[[School Dance (film)|School Dance]]'' *''[[School of Rock]]'' *''[[School Ties]]'' *[[The Science of Sleep|''Science of Sleep'', ''The'']] *''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'' (2002) *''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'' (2004) *''[[Scoob!]]'' (2020) *''[[Scoop]]'' *[[Scorpio (film)|''Scorpio'']] *''[[Scott Pilgrim vs. the World]]'' *''[[Scream (1996 film)|Scream]]'' (1996) *''[[Scream (2022 film)|Scream]]'' (2022) *''[[Scream 2]]'' *''[[Scream 3]]'' *''[[Scream 4]]'' *''[[Scrooged]]'' *''[[Second Act (film)|Second Act]]'' *''[[Secondhand Lions]]'' *[[The Secret (film)|''Secret'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret Garden (1993 film)|''Secret Garden'', ''The'']] (1993) *[[The Secret in Their Eyes|''Secret in Their Eyes'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret of NIMH|''Secret of NIHM'', ''The'']] *[[The Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue|''Secret of NIMH 2: Timmy to the Rescue'', ''The'']] *''[[Secret Window]]'' *''[[The Secret World of Arrietty]]'' *''[[Semi-Pro]]'' *''[[Sense and Sensibility (film)|Sense and Sensibility]]'' *''[[Sentimental Value]]'' *''[[September 5 (film)|September 5]]'' *''[[Serendipity (film)|Serendipity]]'' *''[[Serenity (film)|Serenity]]'' *''[[Serial Mom]]'' *''[[Serpico]]'' *''[[Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird]]'' *[[The Set-Up (1949 film)|''The Set-Up'']] (1949) *''[[Se7en]]'' *''[[Seven Brides for Seven Brothers]]'' *''[[Seven Days in May]]'' *''[[Seven Pounds]]'' *[[The Seven Samurai|''Seven Samurai'', ''The'']] *''[[Seven Years in Tibet (1997 film)|Seven Years in Tibet]]'' *[[The Seventh Seal|''Seventh Seal'', ''The'']] *''[[The Seventh Veil]]'' *''[[Sex and the City: The Movie]]'' *''[[Sex Appeal]]'' *''[[Sex Drive (film)|Sex Drive]]'' *''[[Sex, Lies, and Videotape]]'' *''[[Sex Tape]]'' *''[[Sexy Beast]]'' *''[[Sgt. Bilko]]'' *[[The Shadow (1994 film)|''Shadow'', ''The'']] (1994) *''[[Shadowlands]]'' *''[[Shaft's Big Score]]'' *[[The Shaggy Dog (2006 film)|''Shaggy Dog'', ''The'']] (2006) *''[[Shakespeare in Love]]'' *''[[Shallow Hal]]'' *''[[Shane]]'' *''[[Shark Tale]]'' *''[[Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure]]'' *''[[Shaun of the Dead]]'' *[[The Shawshank Redemption|''Shawshank Redemption'', ''The'']] *''[[She Done Him Wrong]]'' *''[[She-Devil]]'' *''[[She is Love (film)|She is Love]]'' *''[[Shenandoah (film)|Shenandoah]]'' *''[[Sherlock Gnomes]]'' *''[[Sherlock Holmes (2009 film)|Sherlock Holmes]]'' (2009) {{Col-3}} *''[[Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows]]'' *''[[She's All That]]'' *''[[She's Out of My League]]'' *''[[She's the Man]]'' *''[[Shine (film)|Shine]]'' *[[The Shining (film)|''Shining'', ''The'']] *''[[Shoot 'Em Up]]'' *''[[Shooter (film)|Shooter]]'' *''[[Short Circuit]]'' *''[[Shorts (2009 film)|Shorts]]'' *[[A Shot in the Dark (1964 film)|''Shot in the Dark'', ''A'' (1964)]] *''[[Shrek]]'' *''[[Shrek 2]]'' *''[[Shrek Forever After]]'' *''[[Shrek the Third]]'' *''[[Shrek the Halls]]'' *''[[Shutter Island (film)|Shutter Island]]'' *''[[Sicario (2015 film)|Sicario]]'' (2015) *''[[Signs]]'' *[[The Silence of the Lambs (film)|''Silence of the Lambs'', ''The'']] *''[[Silver Bullet (film)|Silver Bullet]]'' *''[[Silver Linings Playbook]]'' *''[[Silver Streak (1976 film)|Silver Streak]]'' *''[[Simon Birch]]'' *[[The Simpsons Movie|''Simpsons Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Sin City (film)|Sin City]]'' *''[[Sinatra (TV miniseries)|Sinatra]]'' (1992) *''[[Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas]]'' *''[[Singin' in the Rain]]'' *''[[Singles (1992 film)|Singles]]'' (1992) *''[[Sisters (2015 film)|Sisters]]'' (2015) *''[[Sixteen Candles]]'' *[[The Sixth Sense|''Sixth Sense'', ''The'']] *''[[Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow]]'' *''[[Sky High]]'' *''[[Slacker (film)|Slacker]]'' *''[[Slap Her She's French]]'' *''[[Slap Shot]]'' *''[[SLC Punk!]]'' *''[[Sleeping Beauty (1959 film)|Sleeping Beauty]]'' (1959) *''[[Sleeping with Other People]]'' *''[[Sleeping with the Enemy]]'' *''[[Sleepless in Seattle]]'' *''[[Sleepover (film)|Sleepover]]'' *''[[Sleepy Hollow (film)|Sleepy Hollow]]'' *''[[Sling Blade]]'' *''[[Slumdog Millionaire]]'' *''[[Toy Story Toons#Small Fry .5B2.5D|Small Fry]]'' *''[[Small Soldiers]]'' *''[[Smokin' Aces]]'' *[[The Smurfs (film)|''Smurfs'', ''The'']] (2011) *[[The Smurfs 2|''Smurfs 2'', ''The'']] (2013) *''[[Snatch]]'' *''[[Snatched (2017 film)|Snatched]]'' (2017) *''[[Sneakers (1992 film)|Sneakers]]'' (1992) *[[Snitch (film)|''Snitch'']] *''[[Snoopy, Come Home]]'' *''[[Snow]]'' *''[[Snow Dogs]]'' *''[[Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs]]'' (1937) *''[[Snowpiercer]]'' *''[[So I Married an Axe Murderer]]'' *''[[Soapdish]]'' *''[[Some Like It Hot]]'' *''[[Someone Great (film)|Someone Great]]'' *''[[Something Wicked This Way Comes (film)|Something Wicked This Way Comes]]'' *''[[Something's Gotta Give (film)|Something's Gotta Give]]'' *''[[Sometimes in April]]'' *''[[Somewhere in Time]]'' *''[[Sonic the Hedgehog (film)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' *''[[Son of the Mask]]'' *[[The Song of Sway Lake|''Song of Sway Lake'', ''The'']] *''[[Song of the South]]'' *''[[Songwriter]]'' *''[[Sons of the Desert]]'' *[[The Sons of Eilaboun|''Sons of Eilaboun'', ''The'']] *''[[Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]'' *''[[Sorcerer (film)|Sorcerer]]'' *[[The Sorcerer's Apprentice (2010 film)|''Sorcerer's Apprentice'', ''The'']] (2010) *''[[Soul (2020 film)|Soul]]'' (2020) *''[[Soul Men]]'' *''[[Soul Plane]]'' *''[[Soul Surfer]]'' *[[The Sound of Music|''Sound of Music'', ''The'']] *''[[Southland Tales]]'' *''[[South Park: Post Covid]]'' *''[[South Park: Post Covid: The Return of Covid]]'' *''[[Soylent Green]]'' *''[[Space Chimps]]'' *''[[Space Jam]]'' (1996) *''[[Space Jam: A New Legacy]]'' (2021) *''[[Spaceballs]]'' *''[[The Spanish Prisoner|Spanish Prisoner, The]]'' *''[[Spartacus]]'' *''[[Spartan (film)|Spartan]]'' *''[[The Special Relationship (film)|Special Relationship, The]]'' (2010) *''[[The Spectacular Now|Spectacular Now, The]]'' *''[[Speech & Debate]]'' *''[[Speed (1994 film)|Speed]]'' (1994) *''[[Speed 2: Cruise Control]]'' *''[[Speed Racer (2008 film)|Speed Racer]]'' (2008) *''[[Spider-Man (film)|Spider-Man]]'' *''[[Spider-Man 2]]'' *''[[Spider-Man 3]]'' *''[[Spider-Man: Homecoming]]'' *''[[Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse]]'' *''[[Spies in Disguise]]'' *''[[Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron]]'' *''[[Spirit Untamed]]'' *''[[Spirited Away]]'' *''[[Splash (film)|Splash]]'' *[[The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water|''SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water'', ''The'']] {{Col-3}} *[[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|''SpongeBob SquarePants Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Spontaneous (film)|Spontaneous]]'' *''[[Spotlight (film)|Spotlight]]'' *''[[Spring Breakers (film)|Spring Breakers]]'' *''[[Spy (2015 film)|Spy]]'' (2015) *''[[Spy Hard]]'' *''[[Stage Door]]'' *''[[Stage Fright (film)|Stage Fright]]'' *''[[Stagecoach (1939 film)‎|Stagecoach]]'' (1939) *''[[Stand and Deliver]]'' *''[[Stand by Me (film)|Stand by Me]]'' *''[[The Stanford Prison Experiment (film)|Stanford Prison Experiment, The]]'' *''[[The Star (2017 film)|Star, The]]'' *''[[A Star Is Born (1937 film)|A Star Is Born]]'' (1937) *''[[A Star Is Born (1954 film)|A Star Is Born]]'' (1954) *''[[The Star Chamber|Star Chamber, The]]'' *''[[Star Kid]]'' *''[[Star Trek (film)|Star Trek]]'' (2009) *''[[Star Trek: The Motion Picture]]'' (1979) *''[[Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' *''[[Star Trek III: The Search for Spock]]'' *''[[Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home]]'' *''[[Star Trek V: The Final Frontier]]'' *''[[Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country]]'' *''[[Star Trek: First Contact]]'' *''[[Star Trek Generations]]'' *''[[Star Trek: Insurrection]]'' *''[[Star Trek Nemesis]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' *''[[Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (film)|Star Wars: The Clone Wars]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Last Jedi]]'' *''[[Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker]]'' *''[[Stardust (2007 film)|Stardust]]'' (2007) *''[[Stargate (film)|Stargate]]'' *''[[Starship Troopers (film)|Starship Troopers]]'' *''[[Starsky and Hutch (film)|Starsky and Hutch]]'' *''[[State of Grace (film)|State of Grace]]'' *''[[Staten Island Summer]]'' *''[[Status Update]]'' *''[[Stay Alive]]'' *''[[Staying Alive]]'' *''[[Stay Tuned (film)|Stay Tuned]]'' *''[[Stealing Harvard]]'' *''[[Steamboat Willie]]'' *''[[Steel Magnolias]]'' *''[[Step Brothers]]'' *''[[Step Up]]'' *''[[Step Up 2: The Streets]]'' *''[[Step Up 3D]]'' *''[[Step Up Revolution]]'' *''[[Step Up: All In]]'' *''[[Step Up: Year of the Dance]]'' *''[[The Stepfather (1987 film)|Stepfather, The]]'' (1987) *''[[The Stepfather (2009 film)|Stepfather, The]]'' (2009) *''[[Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story]]'' *''[[The Sting|Sting, The]]'' *''[[Stir Crazy (film)|Stir Crazy]]'' *''[[Stitch! The Movie]]'' *''[[Straight Outta Compton (film)]]'' *''[[Strange Brew]]'' *''[[Strange Days (film)|Strange Days]]'' *''[[The Strange Love of Martha Ivers|Strange Love of Martha Ivers, The]]'' *''[[The Stranger (1946 film)|Stranger, The]]'' (1946) *''[[Stranger on the Third Floor]]'' *''[[Stranger than Fiction]]'' *''[[Stripes]]'' *''[[Striptease]]'' *''[[Stuart Little (film)|Stuart Little]]'' *''[[Stuart Little 2]]'' *''[[The Substance]]'' *''[[Stuck in Love (film)|Stuck in Love]]'' *''[[Sucker Punch (film)|Sucker Punch]]'' *''[[Sudden Impact]]'' *''[[The Suicide Squad (film)|Suicide Squad, The]]'' *''[[Summer '03]]'' *''[[Summer of Love (2019 film)|Summer of Love]]'' *''[[The Sundowners|Sundowners, The]]'' *''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'' *''[[Sunshine]]'' *''[[Super (film)|Super]]'' *''[[Super Mario Bros. (film)|Super Mario Bros.]]'' *''[[Super Size Me]]'' *''[[Super Troopers]]'' *''[[Superbad]]'' *''[[Superhero Movie]]'' *''[[Superman Returns]]'' *''[[Superstar]]'' *''[[Surf II]]'' *''[[Surf's Up]]'' *''[[Surf's Up 2: WaveMania]]'' *''[[Surrogates (film)|Surrogates]]'' *''[[Surviving Sid]]'' *''[[Suspicion (film)|Suspicion]]'' *[[The Swan Princess|''Swan Princess'', ''The'']] *''[[S.W.A.T. (film)|S.W.A.T.]]'' *''[[Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street]]'' *''[[Sweet Home Alabama]]'' *[[The Sweetest Thing|''Sweetest Thing'', ''The'']] *''[[Swimming to Cambodia]]'' *''[[Swimming with Sharks]]'' *''[[Swingers]]'' *''[[Switched (2020 film)|Switched]]'' (2020) *[[The Sword in the Stone (film)|''Sword in the Stone'', ''The'']] *''[[Swordfish]]'' *''[[Sydney White]]'' *''[[Symphony Hour]]'' {{Col-end}} ==Requested== ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Pants on Fire]]'' * ''[[Party Girl (1958 film)|Party Girl]]'' (1958) * ''[[Party Girl (1995 film)|Party Girl]]'' (1995) * ''[[P.S. I Love You]]'' * ''[[Passenger 57]]'' * ''[[The Passion of Darkly Noon|Passion of Darkly Noon, The]]'' * ''[[Payback]]'' * ''[[Percy Jackson Sea Of Monsters]]'' * ''[[A Perfect Murder|Perfect Murder, A]]'' * ''[[Pete's Dragon]]'' (1977) * ''[[Phonebooth (film)|Phonebooth]]'' * ''[[The Pianist|Pianist, The]]'' * ''[[The Picture of Dorian Gray (film)|Picture of Dorian Gray, The]]'' * ''[[Pirates (1986 film)|Pirates]]'' * ''[[Pirates of Silicon Valley]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[Plane Crazy]]'' * ''[[Planet Terror]]'' * ''[[Pluto at the Zoo]]'' * ''[[Pluto's Christmas Tree]]'' * ''[[Plutopia]]'' * ''[[Poetic Justice]]'' * ''[[Polyester]]'' * ''[[Porky Chops]]'' * ''[[Porky's Party]]'' * ''[[Porky's Romance]]'' * ''[[The Portrait of a Lady (film)|Portrait of a Lady, The]]'' *''[[Pound Puppies and the Legend of Big Paw]]'' * ''[[Premonition (1972 film)|Premonition]]'' (1972) * ''[[Premonition (2004 film)|Premonition]]'' (2004) * ''[[Premonition (2007 film)|Premonition]]'' (2007) * ''[[Prime (film)|Prime]]'' * ''[[Princess O'Rourke]]'' * ''[[Problem Child 2]]'' * ''[[Problem Child 3: Junior in Love]]'' * ''[[Prom Night (1980 film)|Prom Night]]'' (1980) * ''[[PU-239]]'' * ''[[Punch Drunk Love]]'' * ''[[Purple Noon]]'' {{Col-end}} ===Q=== * [[Quo Vadis (1924 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (1924) * [[Quo Vadis (2001 film)|''Quo Vadis'']] (2001) ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''[[Radio (2003 film)|Radio]]'' * ''[[Radio Days]]'' * ''[[The Raggedy Rawney|Raggedy Rawney, The]]'' * ''[[Raise Your Voice]]'' * ''[[Rakeman]]'' * ''[[Ramona and Beezus]]'' * ''[[Ready to Rumble]]'' * ''[[Real Life]]'' * ''[[Real Steel]]'' * ''[[A reasonable Man|Reasonable Man, A]]'' * ''[[REC]]'' * ''[[Reckless (1935 film)|Reckless]]'' (1935) * ''[[Reckless (1951 film)|Reckless]]'' (1951) * ''[[Reckless (1984 film)|Reckless]]'' (1984) * ''[[Reckless (1995 film)|Reckless]]'' (1995) * ''[[RED 2]]'' * ''[[The Red Danube|Red Danube, The]]'' * ''[[The Red Turtle|Red Turtle, The]]'' * ''[[Redwoods]]'' * ''[[Red Scorpion]]'' * ''[[Reindeer Games]]'' * ''[[Remember My Name]]'' * ''[[Resident Evil: Extinction]]'' * ''[[Restoration (film)|Restoration]]'' * ''[[Revolutionary Road]]'' * ''[[Return Engagement (1983 film)|Return Engagement]]'' (1983) * ''[[Return Engagement (1990 film)|Return Engagement]]'' (1990) * ''[[Riddick (film)|Riddick]]'' {{Col-2}} * ''[[The Ringer|Ringer, The]]'' * ''[[Ripley Under Ground (film)|Ripley Under Ground]]'' * ''[[Roadie (film)|Roadie]]'' * ''[[Robot & Frank]]'' * ''[[Robots 2]]'' * ''[[The Rocking Horse Winner|Rocking Horse Winner, The]]'' * ''[[Rollerball (1975 film)|Rollerball]]'' (1975) * ''[[Romeo and Juliet (1968 film)|Romeo and Juliet]]'' (1968) * ''[[Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss]]'' * ''[[Rooster Cogburn and the Lady]]'' * ''[[Röövlirahnu Martin]]'' * ''[[Ruby Cairo]]'' * ''[[The Rum Diary (film)|The Rum Diary]]'' * ''[[Rumor Has It...]]'' * ''[[Run For Cover (film)|Run for Cover]]'' (1955) * ''[[Run Lola Run]]'' * ''[[Rue Cases Negres]]'' * ''[[The Runaways (film)|Runaways, The]]'' * ''[[Runaway Train (film)|Runaway Train]]'' * ''[[Running Scared (1972 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1972) * ''[[Running Scared (1980 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1980) * ''[[Running Scared (1986 film)|Running Scared]]'' (1986) * ''[[Running Scared (2006 film)|Running Scared]]'' (2006) * ''[[Run Ronnie Run]]'' * ''[[The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming|Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming, The]]'' * ''[[Rusty: A Dog's Tale]]'' {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} *''[[S Club 7: Artistic Differences]]'' * ''[[S Club 7: Back to the 50's]]'' *''[[S Club 7: Boyfriends & Birthdays]]'' *''[[S Club 7: Christmas Special]]'' * ''[[Sabrina (1995 film)|Sabrina]]'' (1995)<!--[[Sabrina (1954 film)]] is already on the existing list--> * ''[[Saint Trinians]]'' * ''[[Samson and Sally]]'' * ''[[San Andreas]]'' * ''[[Sarfarosh]]'' * ''[[Sanctum (film)|Sanctum]]'' * [[The Sandwich Man|''Sandwich Man'', ''The'']] * ''[[Santa Fe Trail (film)|Santa Fe Trail]]'' * [[The Savage Innocents|''Savage Innocents'', ''The'']] * ''[[Say It Isn't So]]'' * [[The Scalphunters|''Scalphunters'', ''The'']] * [[The Scarlett Letter (1908 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1908) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1911 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1911) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1913 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1913) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1917 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1917) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1920 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1920) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1922 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1922) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1926 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1926) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1934 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1934) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1973 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1973) * [[The Scarlett Letter (1995 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (1995) * [[The Scarlett Letter (2004 film)|''Scarlett Letter'', ''The'']] (2004) * [[The Scorch Trials (2015 film)| ''Scorch Trials'', ''The'']] (2015) * ''[[School for Scoundrels (1960 film)|School for Scoundrels]]'' (1960) * ''[[School for Scoundrels (2006 film)|School for Scoundrels]]'' (2006) * ''[[Screamers (1995 film)|Screamers]]'' (1995) * ''[[Screamers (2006 film)|Screamers]]'' (2006) * [[The Secret Life of Words|''Secret Life of Words'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret Life of Bees (film)|''Secret Life of Bees'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret Lives of Dentists|''Secret Lives of Dentists'', ''The'']] * [[The Secret of Kells|''Secret of Kells'', ''The'']] * ''[[Secret of the Wings]]'' * ''[[Secretariat (2010)|Secretariat]]'' (2010) * ''[[Secretary (1976 film)|Secretary]]'' (1976) * ''[[Secretary (2002 film)|Secretary]]'' (2002) * [[The Secretary (1938 film)|''Secretary'', ''The'']] (1938) * [[The Secretary (1995 film)|''Secretary'', ''The'']] (1995) * ''[[See Spot Run (2001 film)|''See Spot Run'']]'' (2001) * [[The Serpent and the Rainbow (film)|''Serpent and the Rainbow'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sesame Street Presents Follow That Bird]]'' * [[The Seventh Bullet|''Seventh Bullet'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sex and the Single Girl (film)|Sex and the Single Girl]]'' * ''[[The Shadow (film)|The Shadow]]'' * [[The Shakiest Gun in the West|''Shakiest Gun in the West'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shampoo (film)|Shampoo]]'' * ''[[Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings]]'' * ''[[Shadows in the Sun]]'' * ''[[Shapes: Round, Square, and In-Between]]'' * ''[[Sharky's Machine (film)|Sharky's Machine]]'' * ''[[She's So Lovely]]'' * ''[[Shiloh (film)|Shiloh]]'' * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1947 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1947) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1960 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1960) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1963 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1963) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1988 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1988) * ''[[Shoot to Kill (1990 film)|Shoot to Kill]]'' (1990) * [[The Shootist|''Shootist'', ''The'']] * [[The Shop Around the Corner|''Shop Around the Corner'', ''The'']] * ''[[Shopgirl]]'' * ''[[Short Circuit 2]]'' * ''[[Sicario]]'' * [[The Sicilian (film)|''Sicilian'', ''The'']] * [[The Siege|''Siege'', ''The'']] * ''[[Silverado (film)|Silverado]]'' * ''[[Simone (film)|Simone]]'' * ''[[Skat Strut]]'' * ''[[Slam Dunk Ernest]]'' * ''[[Sleeper (film)|Sleeper]]'' * ''[[Sleepers (film)|Sleepers]]'' * ''[[Sleeping Dogs]]'' * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (1998 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (1998) * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (2005 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (2005) * ''[[Sleeping Dogs Lie (2006 film)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]]'' (2006) * ''[[Smart People]]'' * ''[[Sneakers (2011 film)|Sneakers]]'' (2011) * ''[[Solaris (1968 film)|Solaris]]'' (1968) * ''[[Solaris (1972 film)|Solaris]]'' (1972) * ''[[Solaris (2002 film)|Solaris]]'' (2002) {{Col-2}} * ''[[Some Like it Hot]]'' * ''[[Something's Gotta Give]]'' * ''[[Song of Norway]]'' * ''[[Songs from Mother Goose]]'' * ''[[Sordid Lives]]'' * ''[[Soul (film)|Soul]]'' * ''[[Soul Man (film)|Soul Man]]'' * ''[[Space Cowboys]]'' * ''[[Sphere (film)|Sphere]]'' * ''[[Spun]]'' * ''[[Stalingrad (1943 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1943) * ''[[Stalingrad (1989 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1989) * ''[[Stalingrad (1993 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (1993) * ''[[Stalingrad (2013 film)|Stalingrad]]'' (2013) * ''[[Stalingrad: Dogs, Do You Want to Live Forever?]]'' (1959) * ''[[Stanley, the Ugly Duckling]]'' * ''[[Stay (2005 film)|Stay]]'' (2005) * ''[[Stay (2013 film)|Stay]]'' (2013) * [[The Steamroller and the Violin|''Steamroller and the Violin'', ''The'']] * ''[[Stepmom (film)|Stepmom]]'' * ''[[Step Up 2: The Streets]]'' * ''[[Step Up 3D]]'' * ''[[Step Up: All In]]'' * ''[[Step Up Revolution]]'' * ''[[Stepfather II]]'' * ''[[Stepfather III]]'' * ''[[Stormy Monday]]'' * ''[[Story of O (film)|Story of O]]'' * ''[[Straight Talk]]'' * ''[[Stranger (2006 film)|Stranger]]'' (2006) * ''[[Stranger (2009 film)|Stranger]]'' (2009) * ''[[Stranger (2015 film)|Stranger]]'' (2015) * [[The Stranger (1918 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1918) * [[The Stranger (1920 film) (5-reel)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1920) (5-reel) * [[The Stranger (1920 film) (2-reel)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1920) (2-reel) * [[The Stranger (1924 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1924) * [[The Stranger (1962 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1962)<!--[[The Stranger (1946 film)]] is already on the existing list.--> * [[The Stranger (1967 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1967) * [[The Stranger (1973 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1973) * [[The Stranger (1984 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1984) * [[The Stranger (1987 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1987) * [[The Stranger (1991 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1991) * [[The Stranger (1995 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (1995) * [[The Stranger (2000 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2000) * [[The Stranger (2010 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2010) * [[The Stranger (2012 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2012) * [[The Stranger (2014 film)|''Stranger'', ''The'']] (2014) * ''[[Strangers (1992 film)|Strangers]]'' (1992) * ''[[Strangers (2003 film)|Strangers]]'' (2003) * ''[[Strangers (2004 film)|Strangers]]'' (2004) * ''[[Strangers (2006 film)|Strangers]]'' (2006) * ''[[Strangers (2007 Bollywood film)|Strangers]]'' (2007 Bollywood) * ''[[Strangers (2007 Israeli film)|Strangers]]'' (2007 Israeli) * ''[[Strangers (2009 film)|Strangers]]'' (2009) * ''[[Strangers: The Story of a Mother and Daughter]]'' (1979) * [[The Strangers (2008 film)|''Strangers'', ''The'']] (2008) * [[The Strangers (2012 film)|''Strangers'', ''The'']] (2012) * ''[[Strange Cargo]]'' * ''[[Strange Wilderness]]'' * ''[[Strangers With Candy (film)|Strangers With Candy]]'' * ''[[Strawberry Shortcake: The Sweet Dreams Movie]]'' * ''[[Street Smart (film)|Street Smart]]'' * ''[[Stuck On You (film)|Stuck On You]]'' * ''[[Submarine (1928 film)|Submarine]]'' (1928) * ''[[Submarine (2010 film)|Submarine]]'' (2010) * ''[[Sügis]]'' * ''[[Suicide Squad]]'' * ''[[Summer School (film)|Summer School]]'' * ''[[Sumo of the Opera]]'' * ''[[Sun Valley Serenade]]'' * [[The Supernaturals (film)|''Supernaturals'', ''The'']] * ''[[Sweet Land]]'' * ''[[Sweet November (1986 film)|Sweet November]]'' (1986) * ''[[Sweet November (2001 film)|Sweet November]]'' (2001) * ''[[Sweetie (1929 film)|Sweetie]]'' (1929) * ''[[Sweetie (film)|Sweetie]]'' (1989) {{Col-end}} ==Notes== '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new film articles to this list. '''When you add a title to this list, please add it in proper alphabetical order within the appropriate section.''' When creating a page for a film, please include the year the film was released and list key creators of the film, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:List of films|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote talk:Templates#Films & TV Shows|Templates#Films & TV Shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for film articles. After a film article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for film quotations, please help us expand film articles that need attention, which are listed at [[:Category:Film stubs|Film stubs]] and [[:Category:Film cleanup|Film cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} * [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes]] (greatest movie quotes) *[[List of films (A–C)]] *[[List of films (D–F)]] *[[List of films (G–I)]] *[[List of films (J–L)]] *[[List of films (M–O)]] *[[List of films (T–V)]] *[[List of films (W–Z)]] [[Category:Films|*]] [[Category:Lists|films]] [[Category:Lists of films]] hfg1psipohqgyfs5cq2np1uu0dwvirf 0 184151 3944811 3833951 2026-05-24T11:20:38Z Filmator1 3314256 /* */ 3944811 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jerry Lewis - 1960s.jpg|thumb|1960s publicity photo.]] '''[[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]]''' ([[March 16]], [[1926]] – [[August 20]], [[2017]]) was an American comedian, actor, singer and recording artist, film producer, screenwriter and film director and was known for his slapstick humor in film, television, stage and radio. His career began in 1946, with an act together with [[Dean Martin]], forming the team of [[w:Martin and Lewis|Martin and Lewis]], which performed in live nightclubs, television programs, radio shows and theatrical movies before 1956, when the two men parted ways, after 10 years as a duo. == Quotes == * Ollie's projection of emotions like frustration, agitation and shyness was masterful, and so was [[Stan Laurel]]'s conception of the harried, ineffectual soul. ** On {{w|Laurel and Hardy}}, as quoted in "Tuning in on TV: It's Not Just for Laughs" by Don Nelsen, ''New York Daily News'' (April 14, 1957), Coloroto Magazine, p.&nbsp;4 * A woman doing comedy doesn't offend me, but sets me back a bit. I, as a viewer, have trouble with it. I think of her as a producing machine that brings babies in the world. ** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/hey-laaaady-jerry-lewis-isnt-laughing/ ''Hey Laaaady: Jerry Lewis Isn't Laughing'', CBS News, (2000)] * I'm telling you about a child in trouble. If it's pity, we'll get some money. I'm giving you the facts. Pity. You don't want to be pitied because you're a cripple in a wheelchair; stay in your house. ** CBS Sunday Morning, 20 May 2001. Lewis later apologized for the remark, [https://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1310&dat=20010602&id=MghRAAAAIBAJ&sjid=AOwDAAAAIBAJ&pg=6433,316667&hl=en Associated Press, 2 June 2001]. * I learned from my dad that when you walk in front of an audience, they are the kings and queens, and you’re but the jester — and if you don’t think that way, you’re going to get very, very conceited. **As quoted in [http://nypost.com/2016/08/26/jerry-lewis-on-dean-martin-de-niro-and-his-favorite-joke/ "Jerry Lewis on Dean Martin: 'I think of him every day.'" by Alex Scordelis, in ''The New York Post'' (26 August 2016)] == Quotes about Lewis == * He keeps imitating himself, but he has much talent and I think in time he will do first rate comedy. I hope so. But he he's going to have to learn artistic discipline. ** [[Stan Laurel]], as quoted in ''Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy'' (1961) by John McCabe, p.&nbsp;241 == See also == * [[Martin and Lewis (film)|''Martin and Lewis'' (film)]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} * {{imdb name|id=0001471|name=Jerry Lewis}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lewis, Jerry}} [[Category:1926 births]] [[Category:2017 deaths]] [[Category:Actors from New Jersey]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Musicians from the United States]] [[Category:Singers from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Film directors from the United States]] [[Category:Film producers from the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Screenwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:Television producers]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:People from Newark]] 0ky1vxlxf5j7jbyq1thka5ns6x0mn4i 0 184730 3944675 3285474 2026-05-24T00:33:59Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 /* Quotes */ 3944675 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Sobriety|Sobriety]]''' is the state of not having any measurable levels or effects from mood-altering drugs, including [[marijuana]] or other [[drugs]]. Sober most often refers to alcohol consumption. Another definition from the dictionary is the quality of being staid or [[Solemnity|solemn]]. {{theme-stub}} == Quotes == * Beware the deadly fumes of that insane elation<br> Which rises from the cup of mad impiety,<br>And go, get drunk with that divine intoxication<br> Which is more sober far than all sobriety. ** [[William R. Alger]], "The Sober Drunkenness", ''Poetry of the Orient'' (1865), p. 167. * One's physical comforts and wants, therefore, should be ordered according to the demands of health and strength, not according to the calls of pleasure. And if we will only bear in mind the superiority and dignity of our nature, we shall realize how wrong it is to abandon ourselves to excess and to live in luxury and voluptuousness, and how right it is to live in thrift, self-denial, simplicity, and sobriety. ** [[Cicero]], ''On Duties'', 1.106. *Sobriety, as opposed to inebriety and [[gluttony]], is of admirable use in teaching men that nature is satisfied with a little, and enabling them to content themselves with simple and frugal fare. **[[Epicurus]], as quoted in ''Ancient and Modern Celebrated Freethinkers (Half-Hours with the Freethinkers)'' by Charles Bradlaugh, A. Collins, and J. Watts (1877) *When I was drinking, bad music would find its way into my life. **singer-songwriter [[Tony Molina]] on drinking and recovery, from a [https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 Yellow Green Red interview], May 4, 2026 == See also == * [[Rationality]] * [[Drunkenness]] * [[:Category: Drugs]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Virtues]] s9o8pdxtvg7c0un4l6qtdo9cxc1kx7v 3944678 3944675 2026-05-24T00:37:20Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 /* Quotes */ 3944678 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Sobriety|Sobriety]]''' is the state of not having any measurable levels or effects from mood-altering drugs, including [[marijuana]] or other [[drugs]]. Sober most often refers to alcohol consumption. Another definition from the dictionary is the quality of being staid or [[Solemnity|solemn]]. {{theme-stub}} == Quotes == * Beware the deadly fumes of that insane elation<br> Which rises from the cup of mad impiety,<br>And go, get drunk with that divine intoxication<br> Which is more sober far than all sobriety. ** [[William R. Alger]], "The Sober Drunkenness", ''Poetry of the Orient'' (1865), p. 167. * One's physical comforts and wants, therefore, should be ordered according to the demands of health and strength, not according to the calls of pleasure. And if we will only bear in mind the superiority and dignity of our nature, we shall realize how wrong it is to abandon ourselves to excess and to live in luxury and voluptuousness, and how right it is to live in thrift, self-denial, simplicity, and sobriety. ** [[Cicero]], ''On Duties'', 1.106. *Sobriety, as opposed to inebriety and [[gluttony]], is of admirable use in teaching men that nature is satisfied with a little, and enabling them to content themselves with simple and frugal fare. **[[Epicurus]], as quoted in ''Ancient and Modern Celebrated Freethinkers (Half-Hours with the Freethinkers)'' by Charles Bradlaugh, A. Collins, and J. Watts (1877) *When I was drinking, bad music would find its way into my life. **singer-songwriter [[Tony Molina]] on drinking and recovery, from a [https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 Yellow Green Red interview], May 4, 2026 *I quit [[social media]] for good in 2016, so those two things – being offline and [[sobriety]] – restored my overall focus, taste, ability, work ethic, and I also got more serious about record collecting and digging deeper and educating myself on music more than making music myself, all those things times ten. It’s like night and day, the difference. **ibid<ref name="ygr" /> == See also == * [[Rationality]] * [[Drunkenness]] * [[:Category: Drugs]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Virtues]] tsz7xetjevtqdwbtloeeogvl6o1jve3 3944679 3944678 2026-05-24T00:38:02Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 added quote 3944679 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Sobriety|Sobriety]]''' is the state of not having any measurable levels or effects from mood-altering drugs, including [[marijuana]] or other [[drugs]]. Sober most often refers to alcohol consumption. Another definition from the dictionary is the quality of being staid or [[Solemnity|solemn]]. {{theme-stub}} == Quotes == * Beware the deadly fumes of that insane elation<br> Which rises from the cup of mad impiety,<br>And go, get drunk with that divine intoxication<br> Which is more sober far than all sobriety. ** [[William R. Alger]], "The Sober Drunkenness", ''Poetry of the Orient'' (1865), p. 167. * One's physical comforts and wants, therefore, should be ordered according to the demands of health and strength, not according to the calls of pleasure. And if we will only bear in mind the superiority and dignity of our nature, we shall realize how wrong it is to abandon ourselves to excess and to live in luxury and voluptuousness, and how right it is to live in thrift, self-denial, simplicity, and sobriety. ** [[Cicero]], ''On Duties'', 1.106. *Sobriety, as opposed to inebriety and [[gluttony]], is of admirable use in teaching men that nature is satisfied with a little, and enabling them to content themselves with simple and frugal fare. **[[Epicurus]], as quoted in ''Ancient and Modern Celebrated Freethinkers (Half-Hours with the Freethinkers)'' by Charles Bradlaugh, A. Collins, and J. Watts (1877) *When I was drinking, bad music would find its way into my life. **singer-songwriter [[Tony Molina]] on drinking and recovery, from a [https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 Yellow Green Red interview], May 4, 2026 *I quit [[social media]] for good in 2016, so those two things – being offline and [[sobriety]] – restored my overall focus, taste, ability, work ethic, and I also got more serious about record collecting and digging deeper and educating myself on music more than making music myself, all those things times ten. It’s like night and day, the difference. **[[Tony Molina]], from a [https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 Yellow Green Red interview], May 4, 2026 == See also == * [[Rationality]] * [[Drunkenness]] * [[:Category: Drugs]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Virtues]] c2ada5zsf06w5qt4u2hgy4co9xt6i0j 0 185470 3944489 3925068 2026-05-23T13:49:05Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944489 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Naomi Wolf at the Brooklyn Book Festival.jpg|thumb|The [[beauty]] [[myth]] is always actually prescribing behavior and not [[appearance]].]] '''[[w:Naomi Wolf|Naomi Rebekah Wolf]]''' (born [[November 12]], [[1962]]) is an American author, journalist and (by around 2014) conspiracy theorist. Wolf's first book, ''[[w:The Beauty Myth|The Beauty Myth]]'' (1991), gained international attention. Her career in journalism began in 1995; she has written for media outlets such as ''[[w:The Nation|The Nation]]'', ''[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]]'' and ''[[w:The Huffington Post|The Huffington Post]]''. == Quotes == ===1990s=== ==== ''[[w:The Beauty Myth|The Beauty Myth]] '' (1991) ==== :<small>''The Beauty Myth : How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women'' (1991)<!-- William Morrow and Co --></small> * ''The beauty myth is always actually prescribing behavior and not appearance.'' ** Chapter 1 : 'The Beauty Myth', p. 14 * Beauty provokes harassment, the law says, but it looks through men's eyes when deciding what provokes it. ** Chapter 2 : 'Work', p. 45 * To live in a culture in which women are routinely naked where men aren't is to learn inequality in little ways all day long. So even if we agree that sexual imagery is in fact a language, it is clearly one that is already heavily edited to protect men’s sexual—and hence social—confidence while undermining that of women. ** Chapter 5 : 'Sex', p. 139 * The books and films they see survey from the young boy's point of view his first touch of a girl's thighs, his first glimpse of her breasts. The girls sit listening, absorbing, their familiar breasts estranged as if they were not part of their bodies, their thighs crossed self-consciously, learning how to leave their bodies and watch them from the outside. Since their bodies are seen from the point of view of strangeness and desire, it is no wonder that what should be familiar, felt to be whole, becomes estranged and divided into parts. '''What little girls learn is not the desire for the other, but the desire to be desired.''' Girls learn to watch their sex along with the boys; that takes up the space that should be devoted to finding out about what they are wanting, and reading and writing about it, seeking it and getting it. ** Chapter 5 : 'Sex', p. 157 * For the first time in history, children are growing up whose earliest sexual imprinting derives not from a living human being, or fantasies of their own; since the 1960s pornographic upsurge, the sexuality of children has begun to be shaped in response to cues that are no longer human. […] Today's children and young men and women have sexual identities that spiral around paper and celluloid phantoms: from Playboy to music videos to the blank female torsos in women’s magazines, features obscured and eyes extinguished, they are being imprinted with a sexuality that is mass-produced, deliberately dehumanizing and inhuman. ** Chapter 5 : 'Sex', p. 162 * Just as 'beauty' is not related to sex, neither is it related to love. Even having it does not bestow love on a woman, though the beauty myth claims that it must. It is because 'beauty' is so hostile to love that many beautiful women are so cynical about men. […] The beautiful woman is excluded forever from the rewards and responsibilities of particular human love, for she cannot trust that any man will love her 'for herself alone.' A hellish doubt inheres in the myth that makes impersonal 'beauty' a prerequisite for love: Where does love go when beauty vanishes? And, if a woman cannot be loved 'for herself alone,' for whom is she being loved? ** Chapter 5 : 'Sex', p. 172 * What becomes of a man who acquires a beautiful woman, with her 'beauty' his sole target? He sabotages himself. He has gained no friend, no ally, no mutual trust: She knows quite well why she has been chosen. He has succeeded in buying a mutually suspicious set of insecurities. He does gain something: the esteem of other men who find such an acquisition impressive. ** Chapter 5 : 'Sex', p. 174 * A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience. Women's dieting has become what Yale psychologist Judith Rodin calls a 'normative obsession,' a never-ending passion play given international coverage out of all proportion to the health risks associated with obesity, and using emotive language that does not figure even in discussions of alcohol or tobacco abuse. […] Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women's history; a quietly mad population is a tractable one. ** Chapter 6 : 'Hunger', p. 187 * The Victorian woman became her ovaries, as today's woman has become her 'beauty.' Her reproductive value, as the 'aesthetic' value of her face and body today, 'came to be seen as a sacred trust, one that she must constantly guard in the interest of her race.' ** Chapter 7 : 'Violence', p. 222 * Health makes good propaganda. “'Proof' that women's activities outside the home are detrimental to the health and welfare of themselves, their families and the country as a whole” lent impetus, writes Ann Oakley, to the nineteenth-century cult of domesticity. The ovaries were seen as collective property rather than the woman's own business, as the face and body outline are seen today. Who can argue with health? ** Chapter 7 : 'Violence', p. 227 * Pain is real when you get other people to believe in it. If no one believes in it but you, your pain is madness or hysteria. ** Chapter 7 : 'Violence', p. 254 * You do not win by struggling to the top of a caste system, you win by refusing to be trapped within one at all. ** Chapter 8 : 'Beyond the Beauty Myth', p. 290 ===2000s=== [[File:Naomi Wolf speaking at a press conference in New York's Foley Square on March 28, 2012.jpg|thumb|The [[First Amendment]] was designed to allow for disruption of business as usual. It is not a quiet and subdued amendment or right.]] * I was completely dumbfounded but I actually had this vision of . . . of Jesus, and I'm sure it was Jesus. [...] But it wasn't this crazy theological thing; it was just this figure who was the most perfected human being - full of light and full of love. And completely accessible. Any of us could be like that. There was light coming out of him holographically, simply because he was unclouded. But any of us could become that as human beings. * On a mystical level, it was complete joy and happiness and there were tears running down my face. On a conscious level, when I came out of it I was absolutely horrified because I'm Jewish. This was not the thing I'm supposed to have confront me. * [Experiencing writers' block, Wolf sought specialist assistance. Being induced in "a light meditative state" (Wolf), she was required to descent downstairs in a relaxation technique.] I opened the door and there he was [...] I wasn't myself in this visual experience [...] I was a 13-year-old boy sitting next to him [Jesus] and feeling feelings I'd never felt in my lifetime, of a 13-year-old boy being with an older male who he really loves and admires and loves to be in the presence of. It was probably the most profound experience of my life. I haven't talked about it publicly [before]. ** [https://www.heraldscotland.com/default_content/12442683.revered-feminist-icon-slated-intellectual-lightweight-naomi-wolf-experienced-highs-well-lows-met-jesus/ "Revered as a feminist icon, then slated for being an intellectual lightweight, Naomi Wolf has experienced highs as well as lows . . . and then she met Jesus"], ''The Herald'' (Scotland, January 22, 2006) ** Interview coincided with the UK publication of ''The Treehouse: Eccentric Wisdom from my Father on How to Live, Love, and See'' (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2005) * Here's what we're not taught [about the Declaration and Constitution]: Those words at the time they were written were blazingly, electrifyingly subversive. If you understand them truly now, they still are. […] You are not taught—and it is a disgrace that you aren't—that these men and women were radicals for liberty; that they had a vision of equality that was a slap in the face of what the rest of their world understood to be the unchanging, God-given order of nations; and that they were willing to die to make that desperate vision into a reality for people like us, whom they would never live to see. ** [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/1603580115 ''The End of America'': Letter of Warning to a Young Patriot], Chapter One, 'The Founders and the Fragility of Democracy,' (Chelsea Green Publishing (2007), p. 27 * '''[[w:Alex Cohen|[Alex] Cohen]]:''' There's never a line in this book that says [[George W. Bush]] is just like [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] or [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] or [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], but there's enough that after a while there definitely seems to be the air of some comparisons happening. Isn't that a bit extreme to compare our president to these historical figures?<br />'''Ms Wolf:''' Well, again, I stick very rigorously to the evidence. You had the [[Nazism|Nazis]] unloaded coffins at night; we saw coffins being unloaded at night. They talked about enhanced interrogation, meaning torture; [[Karl Rove]] talked about enhanced interrogation, meaning torture. They said, you know, we've got to [[w:Occupation of Czechoslovakia (1938–1945)|invade Czechoslovakia]] because it's a station ground for terrorists. And we said we've got to invade Iraq, a country we're not at war with, because they are torturing their ethnic minorities, it's a station ground for terrorists and they hate our freedoms. I don't need to draw an analogy. The analogies are there. ** [https://www.npr.org/transcripts/16422285 "Naomi Wolf Likens Bush to Hitler"] ''NPR'' (November 19, 2007) ===2010s=== * '''JS [Justine Sharrock]:''' How is your comparison of Obama to Hitler any different from someone at a [[w:Tea Party movement|Tea Party]] holding up a placard of [[Barack Obama|Obama]] with a [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] mustache?<br />'''NW:''' Those signs are offensive. If only [[the Holocaust]] was just about imposing health care on my people. Obama has done things like Hitler did. Let me be very careful here. The [[w:Nazism|National Socialists]] rounded people up and held them without trial, signed legislation that gave torture impunity, and spied on their citizens, just as Obama has. It isn't a question of what has been done that Hitler did. It's what does every dictator do, on the left or the right, that is being done here and now. The real fight isn't left or right but between forces of democracy across the spectrum and the forces of tyranny. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20100404072143/http://www.alternet.org/news/146184/naomi_wolf_thinks_the_tea_parties_help_fight_fascism_--_is_she_onto_something_or_in_fantasy_land__?page=3 From an interview] (March 30, 2010)] on [[w:AlterNet|AlterNet]], as cited in [https://newrepublic.com/article/74193/crying-wolf "Crying Wolf"], ''The New Republic'' (March 31, 2010) * The [[First Amendment]] was designed to allow for disruption of business as usual. It is not a quiet and subdued amendment or right. ** ''The First Amendment and the Obligation to Peacefully Disrupt in a Free Society'' (October 22, 2011), [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/naomi-wolf/occupy-wall-street-bloomberg-free-speech-right-to-disruption-_b_1026535.html Blog Post] at huffingtonpost.com * It was amazing to go to Belfast, which does not yet have 5G, and feel the earth, sky, air, human experience, feel the way it did in the 1970s. Calm, still peaceful, natural, restful. ** Deleted tweet (July 5, 2019), as cited in [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/naomi-klein-my-life-being-mistaken-for-a-notorious-conspiracy-theorist-0sbpqsf9w "Naomi Klein — my life being mistaken for a notorious conspiracy theorist"], ''The Sunday Times'' (September 3, 2023) ** [[w:The Troubles|The Troubles]] in Northern Ireland were at their height during the 1970s. The source coincided with the publication of [[Naomi Klein]]'s ''Doppelganger'', an account of the Canadian writer's ongoing experience of being confused with Wolf. ===2020s=== * So what can be done? Well, first of all, I can't believe that I'm saying this - a lifelong former Democrat and the child of hippies - but thank God for the [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|Second Amendment]]. Because one reason the United States is not, you know, entirely enslaved like Australia or Shanghai or Canada, in many ways – we're relatively freer compared to those countries – is that we have, you know, millions of owners of guns. And I'm a peaceful person, this should not be taken out of context, but it is harder to subjugate an armed population.<br />And this is why our Founders gave us the Second Amendment, for exactly times like these. They knew that it was harder to subjugate an armed population. But, you know, may that be the worst case scenario. I really hope that it doesn't devolve into civil war, which is really what the next thing is in history when you have an occupying force, which is what the [[w:World Health Organization|WHO]] will be, you know, by next week. ** In conversation with [[w:Charlie Kirk (activist)|Charlie Kirk]] [https://www.mediamatters.org/charlie-kirk/youtube-naomi-wolf-says-who-will-occupy-us-next-week-and-could-trigger-civil-war "On YouTube, Naomi Wolf says that the WHO will occupy the U.S. next week, and that could trigger a civil war"] transcript from Media Matters for America (May 23, 2022) * It was the doctors in pre-Nazi Germany in the early thirties who were co-opted by the National Socialists and sent to do exactly what we're seeing kind of replaying now.<br />It was the medical organisations in the early thirties who were emboldened to be the arbiters of, you know, "life worthy of life, life unworthy of life"’, um, and to, kind of, medicalise and pathologise dissent or difference.<br />So we're seeing wholesale purchasing of the medical establishment in the United States, in Britain and in countries around the world to do things much more serious. ** [https://www.thejc.com/news/news/gb-news-broke-broadcasting-rules-over-nazi-germany-vaccine-claims-6OVLlYZfWmOdFWKxX5YX61 "GB News broke broadcasting rules over 'Nazi Germany' vaccine claims"], ''[[w:The Jewish Chronicle|The Jewish Chronicle]]'' (May 9, 2023) ** Naomi Wolf appeared on [[Mark Steyn]]'s program on [[w:GB News|GB News]] (October 4, 2022). The station was found by British broadcasting regulator [[w:Ofcom|Ofcom]] in May 2023 to have contravened its [[w:Broadcasting Code|Broadcasting Code]] by presenting a "serious, unchallenged conspiracy theory" in its [[w:Vaccine misinformation|Vaccine misinformation]] from Steyn and Wolf. ==About Wolf== :<small>'''In alphabetical order by author or source .'''</small> * She is furthermore a serial espouser of mad conspiracy theories, insisting on their plausibility in the face of overwhelming evidence. In 2014 alone she managed to suggest that the Isis beheading victims were really actors, that the Scottish referendum had been rigged and that US personnel sent to Africa to help contain the ebola outbreak were really there as part of a plot to militarise the continent. Last year she joined the "chemtrail" conspiracists who believe that aircraft condensation trails in the sky are evidence of a secret government attempt at "geoengineering". ** [[David Aaronovitch]] [https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/naomi-wolf-learnt-a-lesson-for-all-of-us-lspn03tv7 "Beware liberal attempts to rewrite history"] ''The Times'' (London, May 29, 2019). * Wolf’s 1991 ''Fire with Fire'' – her call for a realpolitik in which 'sisterhood and capital' might be allies – misfired in Britain, partly because British feminism does retain a visceral if complex connection to political radicalism, to system-changing not tinkering. ** [[Melissa Benn]] [https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v20/n03/melissa-benn/making-it "Making It"], ''London Review of Books'', Vol. 20, No. 3 (February 5, 1998). * Wolf has tweeted that she overheard an [[w:Apple Inc.|Apple]] employee (who had attended a "top secret demo") describing vaccine technology that can enable time travel. She has posited that vaccinated people's urine and feces should be separated in our sewage system until their contaminating effect on our drinking water has been studied. She fears that while pro-vaccine propaganda has emphasized the danger the unvaccinated pose to the vaccinated, we have overlooked how toxic the vaccinated might be. ** [[w:Liza Featherstone|Liza Featherstone]] [https://newrepublic.com/article/162702/naomi-wolf-madness-feminist-icon-antivaxxer "The Madness of Naomi Wolf"], ''The New Republic'' (June 10, 2021) * Wolf’s story is instructive. ''The Beauty Myth'', her 1990 blockbuster about the toll taken on women by the upward ratchet of unreasonable beauty standards, made her famous. In retrospect, the seeds of her intellectual decline were already present in that book, which contained both major statistical errors and a conspiratorial subtext that painted the influence of patriarchy as a deliberate plot. In the ensuing years, her work grew increasingly sloppy and absurd, until her reputation collapsed altogether in 2019 with the publication of ''Outrages''. ** [[Michelle Goldberg]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/04/opinion/columnists/naomi-klein-wolf-doppelganger.html "Naomi Klein, Naomi Wolf and the Political Upside Down"], ''The New York Times'' (September 4, 2023) * In the decade since [[w:Occupy Wall Street|Occupy]], Wolf has connected the dots between an almost unfathomably large number of disparate bits of fact and fantasy. She has floated unsubstantiated speculations about the [[w:National Security Agency|National Security Agency]] whistleblower [[w:Edward Snowden|Edward Snowden]] ("not who he purports to be," hinting that he is an active spy). About US troops sent to build field hospitals in West Africa during the [[w:Western African Ebola virus epidemic|2014 Ebola outbreak]] (not an attempt to stop the disease's spread, but a plot to bring it to the United States to justify "mass lockdowns" at home). About [[w:Islamic State beheading incidents|ISIS beheadings]] of US and British captives (possibly not real murders, but staged covert ops by the US government starring [[w:Crisis actor|crisis actors]]). About the results of the [[w:2014 Scottish independence referendum|2014 Scottish referendum on independence]], which the "no" vote won by a margin of more than 10 percentage points (potentially fraudulent, she claimed, based on an assortment of testimonies she collected). About the [[w:Recognizing the duty of the Federal Government to create a Green New Deal|Green New Deal]] (not the demands of grassroots climate-justice movements, she said, but yet another elite-orchestrated cover for "fascism"). She has even spotted plots and conspiracies in oddly shaped clouds. ** [[Naomi Klein]] [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/08/naomi-klein-naomi-wolf-book "When Naomi Klein Realized People Regularly Confused Her With Naomi Wolf, She Went Down a Rabbit Hole"], ''Vanity Fair'' (September 2023 issue; posted August 15, 2023) ** Extract from ''Doppelganger: A Trip Into the Mirror World'' (Farrar, Straus and Giroux (US)/Penguin Random House (UK & Canada) * To see Naomi Wolf, that histrionic proponent of the third wave, pop up to demand that the women accusing [[Julian Assange]] of sexual assault and rape be named (surely they have already been shamed) is a logical conclusion of this deal. It is a dead end. Much of Wolf's work is privileged narcissism dressed up as struggle. ''The Beauty Myth'' did not have an original thought in it, but never mind, it remains the only feminist text read by many. Wolf and many of her contemporaries muddled the personal with the political to such a degree it is embarrassing. Wolf was snapped up by the media as she was beautiful – as though feminists couldn't be. [[Germaine Greer|Greer]] and [[Gloria Steinem|Steinem]] were lookers, weren't they? Wolf's argument now about the anonymity of accusers in rape trials arrives on these shores a little after the [[w:Liberal Democrats (UK)|Lib Dems]] dropped this peculiar proposal, which was never in their manifesto anyway. * Wolf actually compared him to [[Oscar Wilde]]. The similarity is that they were both in solitary confinement. Practically the same person then?<br />Of course, Wolf has every right to think what she likes about Assange's accusers – and to change her mind as she did about abortion – but what kind of feminism is she now espousing? I find it very difficult to know. ** [[Suzanne Moore]] [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2011/jan/15/suzanne-moore-time-to-get-angry "It's time to get angry"] ''The Guardian'' (January 15, 2011) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/naomi-wolf Naomi Wolf's blog at ''The Huffington Post''] * {{IMDb name|0937890}} * [http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/naomiwolf Column archive at ''The Guardian]'' {{DEFAULTSORT:Wolf, Naomi}} [[Category:1962 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from San Francisco]] [[Category:20th-century American businesswomen]] [[Category:Orators from the United States]] [[Category:Democracy activists]] [[Category:Activists from San Francisco]] [[Category:Feminists from the United States]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Women journalists from the United States]] [[Category:Women born in the 1960s]] [[Category:Anti-vaccination activists]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] {{Authority control}} 1irjw7p387ehim1yuq79inrz9n10kji 0 186268 3944617 3540628 2026-05-23T21:53:31Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944617 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Elijah Fenton|Elijah Fenton]]''' ([[20 May]] [[1683]] – [[16 July]] [[1730]]) was an English poet, biographer and translator. == Quotes == === ''Mariamne: A Tragedy'' (1723) === * A while she stood<br />Transformed by [[grief]] to marble, and appeared<br />Her own pale monument; but when she breathed<br />The secret anguish of her wounded soul,<br />So moving were the plaints! they would have soothed<br />The stooping falcon to suspend his flight,<br />And spare his morning prey. **<!--'''Narbal,'''--> Act III, Scene I, p. 25 * Wedded [[love]] is founded on esteem. **<!--'''Mariamne,'''--> Act IV, Scene V, p. 45 * Beware of [[flattery]]! 'tis a flowery weed,<br />Which oft offends the very idol-vice,<br />Whose shrine it would perfume. **<!--'''Mariamne,'''--> Act IV, Scene V, p. 46 * O blissful [[poverty]]!<br />Nature, too partial! to thy lot assigns<br />Health, freedom, innocence, and downy peace,<br />Her real goods: and only mocks the great<br />With empty pageantries! **<!--'''Herod,'''--> Act V, Scene I, p. 56 * Fear, guilt, despair, and moon-struck frenzy rush<br />On [[Suicide|voluntary death]]: the wise and brave,<br />When the fierce storms of fortune round 'em roar,<br />Combat the billows with redoubled force:<br />Then, if they perish ere the port is gained,<br />They sink with decent pride; and from the deep<br />Honour retrieves them, bright as rising stars. **<!--'''Pheroras,'''--> Act V, Scene VII, pp. 66–67 == Quotes about Fenton == * No man living better deserves the character of an honest and ingenious man; no one I would sooner depend upon for all the parts of a good writer and good friend—free from the vanities and weaknesses of both; whose honour and trust, I dare say, are as sacred as his writings are blameless in morality, and whose life and conduct are as correct as they. ** [[Alexander Pope]], letter to [[w:William Broome|William Broome]] (23 August 1726), in ''The Works of Alexander Pope: Correspondence'' (1872), pp. 124–125 * A poet, blest beyond the poet's fate,<br />Whom Heaven kept sacred from the Proud and Great:<br />Foe to loud praise, and friend to learned ease,<br />Content with science in the vale of peace.<br />Calmly he looked on either life, and here<br />Saw nothing to regret, or there to fear;<br />From Nature's temperate feast rose satisfied,<br />Thanked Heaven that he lived, and that he died. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Epitaph to Elijah Fenton: "On Mr. Elijah Fenton", at Easthamstead in Berkshire, 1730. == References == * Hale, Sarah Josepha, ed. ''A Complete Dictionary of Poetical Quotations''. Philadelphia: J. B. Lippincott & Co., 1855. == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://books.google.com/books?id=d5gNAAAAQAAJ ''Mariamne: A Tragedy'']. Acted at the Theatre Royal in Lincoln's-Inn-Fields. Written by Mr. Fenton. First Edition. London, 1723. {{DEFAULTSORT:Fenton, Elijah}} [[Category:Poets from England]] [[Category:Biographers from England]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:1683 births]] [[Category:1730 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 1kymcgfgnoldibydjcgwjl742k9iugy 0 186602 3944694 3910601 2026-05-24T02:38:12Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 /* Dialogue */ 3944694 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Televisions:''' [[Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!]] / [[The New Scooby-Doo Movies]] / [[What's New, Scooby Doo?]] / [[Shaggy and Scooby Doo Get a Clue]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated]] / [[Be Cool, Scooby-Doo!]] / [[Scooby-Doo and Guess Who?]] | '''Movies''': [[Scooby-Doo and the Ghoul School]] / [[Scooby-Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf]] / [[Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island]] / [[Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost]] / [[Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders]] / [[Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase]] / [[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and the Legend of the Vampire]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and the Monster of Mexico]] / [[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and the Loch Ness Monster]] / [[Aloha, Scooby-Doo!]] / [[Scooby-Doo! in Where's My Mummy?]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy!]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and the Goblin King]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and the Samurai Sword]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Abracadabra Doo]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Camp Scare]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Legend of the Phantosaur]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Music of the Vampire]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Stage Fright]] / [[Scooby-Doo! WrestleMania Mystery]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Frankencreepy]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Moon Monster Madness]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and Kiss: Rock and Roll Mystery]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and WWE: Curse of the Speed Demon]] / [[Lego Scooby-Doo! Blowout Beach Bash]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and the Gourmet Ghost]] / [[Scooby-Doo! Return to Zombie Island]] / [[Scoob!]] / [[Scooby-Doo! The Sword and the Scoob]] / [[Straight Outta Nowhere: Scooby-Doo! Meets Courage the Cowardly Dog]] / [[Trick or Treat Scooby-Doo!]] / [[Scooby-Doo! and Krypto, Too!]] | '''Spin-offs:''' [[Daphne & Velma]] | '''Specials''': [[Night of the Living Doo]] ---- <br> '''''[[w:Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase|Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase]]''''' is a [[w:2001 in film|2001 film]] about Scooby and the gang getting trapped in a video game created for them, and they must fight against the 'Phantom Virus'. :''Directed by Jim Stenstrum. Written by [[w:Joseph Barbera|Joseph Barbera]]. {{center/s}}'''Like, compu-zoinks!'''&nbsp; {{center/e}} {{film-stub}} == Dialogue == :'''Both Shaggys''': Zoinks! :'''Shaggy''': You're me! :'''Cyber Shaggy''': And, like, you're me! :'''Velma Dinkley''': You're the characters in Eric's video game. :'''Cyber Velma''': And you're from the real world! :'''Both Velmas''': Jinkies! :'''Daphne Blake''': ''[after looking at her Cyber character's wardrobe]'' Did I really wear that years ago? :'''Cyber Daphne''': ''[after looking at her real counterpart's wardrobe]'' That jacket with that skirt? :'''Both Daphnes''': Hmm... :'''Fred Jones''': ''[complimenting his Cyber character's wardrobe]'' Nice ascot. :'''Cyber Fred''': ''[chuckles]'' Works for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fred''': [while riding in the "classic" Mystery Machine] Wow, this is [[Nostalgia|nostalgic]]! I miss this old van. :'''Cyber Fred''': In Cyber World, things never get old. It's pretty cool. There's a lot to like in Cyber World. There's stores, theaters, and parks, and lots of tasty food. :'''Scooby''': Reah. :'''Daphne''': But what about all the monsters and villains? :'''Cyber Shaggy''': We haven't seen any. They're probably guarding the Scooby Snacks. :'''Velma''': You mean, you guys don't know where the Scooby Snacks are? :'''Cyber Velma''': We know where they are. There's just no reason go after them, because even if we get the Scooby Snacks, we'd just go right back to the beginning of the game. :'''Cyber Daphne''': And we like it here. :'''Cyber Shaggy''': Until you guys showed up with that Phantom Virus, that is. :'''Velma''': We would gladly get rid of him for you. :'''Cyber Daphne''': If we could. :'''Fred''': You know, if all ten of us team up, the Phantom Virus wouldn't stand a chance. :'''Cyber Fred''': [in agreement] Yeah! :'''Cyber Shaggy''': [after giving this some thought] Well, I guess we gonna go after the Scooby Snax eventually. :'''Daphne Blake''': [to the cyber gang] So you'll help? :'''Cyber Fred''': Count us in! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shaggy''': Scooby-Doos! :'''Cyber Shaggy''': Where are you? :'''Daphne''': I wonder where they are. :'''Both Scoobys''': Rover here! :'''Both Velmas''': There they are! :'''Both Shaggys''': Come on, Scooby! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer Wembley''': ''[handcuffs Bill]'' Okay, son, it's all over. :'''Eric''': Bill, you were my best friend. :'''Professor Kaufman''': And my best student. :'''Bill''': But you didn't pick my project. :'''Eric''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Bill''': Professor Kaufman chose your video design over mine, even though I've been here 2 years longer. :'''Professor Kaufman''': Students are all equal, Bill. :'''Velma''': So, you invented the phantom virus, hoping it would scare Eric away. :'''Bill''': That's right, and it worked, till you guys showed up. :'''Fred''': You were afraid that we would find out who created the virus. :'''Shaggy''': So you beamed us into cyberspace. :'''Bill''': ''[as Officer Wembley takes him away]'' The prize would've been all mine, if it wasn't for... :'''Mystery Inc.''': Us meddling kids. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shaggy''': Your turn, Scoob. What's your favorite part of "Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase"? :'''Scooby''': Ra raser. == Cast == * [[w:Scott Innes|Scott Innes]] — Scooby-Doo, Shaggy, Cyber-Scooby, Cyber-Shaggy * [[Frank Welker]] — Fred, Cyber-Fred, Gladiator Lion * [[w:Grey DeLisle|Grey DeLisle]] — Daphne, Cyber-Daphne * [[w:B.J. Ward|B.J. Ward]] — Velma, Cyber-Velma * [[w:Joe Alaskey]] - Officer Wembley * [[w:Bob Bergen|Bob Bergen]] - Eric Staufer * [[w:Mikey Kelley|Mikey Kelley]] - Bill McLemore * [[w:Tom Kane|Tom Kane]] - Professor Robert Kaufman * [[w:Gary Anthony Stugris|Gary Anthony Stugris]] - Phantom Virus == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0290057|title=Scooby-Doo and the Cyber Chase}} {{Scooby-Doo}} [[Category:2001 animated films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:Science fantasy films]] [[Category:Scooby-Doo direct-to-video animated films‎]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] gl4aiad7ie5g1tw8yh01yhczscmyvbg 0 187461 3944572 3939784 2026-05-23T19:12:10Z ~2026-21334-34 3308640 /* Dialogue */ 3944572 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Regular Show (season 1)|1]] [[Regular Show (season 2)|2]] [[Regular Show (season 3)|3]] [[Regular Show (season 4)|4]] [[Regular Show (season 5)|5]] [[Regular Show (season 6)|6]] [[Regular Show (season 7)|7]] [[Regular Show (season 8)|8]] | [[Regular Show: The Movie|Film]] | [[Regular Show: The Lost Tapes|The Lost Tapes]] | [[Regular Show|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Regular Show: The Movie|Regular Show: The Movie]]''''' is a 2015 American animated science fiction time travel action comedy film based on the Cartoon Network original series, Regular Show. It is produced by Cartoon Network Studios and had its television world premiere on November 25, 2015 on Cartoon Network. ==Dialogue== :'''Future Mordecai''': Ceasefire! Rigby and Benson, you're outnumbered! Dude, you can totally stop this bloodshed! Give up! :'''Future Rigby''': Hey, traitor! How's the hand holding up?! ''[he gets angry, then a warp hole and came out is Mr. Ross]'' :'''Mr. Ross''': Ha! Ha! Ha! You might want to listen to your little friend here. While you're still alive. :'''Future Benson''': Go stuff it, Ross! :'''Future Rigby''': Yeah! You need to chill out, man! Forget all about erasing time business! :'''Mr. Ross''': "Chill out!?" Oh, I think I was pretty chilled out, when I went to prison because of you and Mordecai's little stunt back in high school But I guess I should thank you for creating this wonderful weapon. :'''Future Benson''': What are you talking about? :'''Mr. Ross''': Mordecai and Rigby created the Timenado. :'''Future Benson''': What? :'''Future Rigby''': LIAR! :'''Mr. Ross''': Oh, I'm the liar?! HA! That's a good one! Isn't that a good one, Mordecai? :'''Future Mordecai''': Yeah, hilarious. I know what you did, Rigby! And I'll never forgive you! :'''Future Rigby''': ''[gasps]'' :''[flashback]'' :'''Past Mordecai''': Dude, I didn't get in. :''[flashback ends]'' :'''Future Benson''': Commander Rigby! :'''Future Rigby''': It was such a long time ago! I didn't do anything. :'''Future Benson''': I don't need you to tell what you did. If we get of here, could you fix it? Rigby, fix this. That's an order. RAAAH!!! :'''Future Rigby''': No, Admiral! :'''Future Benson''': Run! Run! ''[starts shooting forces]'' This one's for Pops! And Skips! And Muscle Man! And Fives! :''[Mr. Ross hits a volleyball bomb at Benson and it blows up and Benson dies]'' :'''Future Rigby''': Stupid! STUPID!! :''[he gets inside his ship and then he takes off, as a blue ship goes after him. Now cut to Future Rigby's ship, Future Rigby is preparing for time travel]'' :'''Computer''': Time circuits on. :'''Future Rigby''': Take me back to high school! Gotta fix this! :'''Computer''': Calculating time jump. :''[Then Future Mordecai's ship shows up and aims his gun at Future Rigby]'' :'''Future Mordecai''': Stop that ship in the name of Lord Ross! :'''Future Rigby''': What happened to you, man? How can you work for him!? :'''Future Mordecai''': I couldn't stay at the park forever! I have to think about my career! :'''Future Rigby''': What about your friends? :'''Future Mordecai''': We're not friends! We haven't been friends since a long time! :''[The the Time button shows up]'' :'''Computer''': Course, plotted. :'''Future Mordecai''': Press that button and I will shoot you! :'''Future Rigby''': Hey, Mordecai, GO AHEAD!! :''[Future Rigby presses the Time warp button, Future Mordecai and Rigby fire each other as Rigby's ship goes faster]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mordecai''': We made it... we made it on time! ''[both high-five]'' :'''Benson''': Uh, yeah. You're not on time. (Turns Red) <span style="color:red"> Because the morning meeting's ALREADY OVER!!!!!</span> :'''Mordecai''': Sorry, Benson! We would've been here sooner but the cart ran out of gas! :'''Muscle Man''': You know who doesn't run out of gas? :'''Benson''': LEAVE!! ''[Muscle Man and Fives bumps into each other and run off, followed by Skips and Pops]'' :'''Skips''': Good luck, fellas. :'''Pops''': Bad show. :'''Benson''': You know, you can't just walk into work whenever you feel like it. We have rules here! And when you break the rules, you're gonna pay the consequences. Wait, pay the consequences or face the consequences? :'''Mordecai''': Face the consequences. :'''Benson''': FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!! <span style="color:black"> ''[holds two pink pieces of paper reading "OFFICIAL NOTICE OF TERMINATION"]''</span> :'''Mordecai''': What are those? :'''Benson''': These are <span style="color:pink"> Pink slips.</span> <span style="color:black"> One with your name on it, and one with ''yours'' on it. And now, it's time for me to say the words I've been waiting to say for a long time.</span><span style="color:maroon"> <big><BIG> YOU'RE <span style="color:red"> FIRED!</span>'''</big></big></span> :''[Mordecai and Rigby gasp]'' :'''Mordecai''': No, Benson! You can't. :'''Rigby''': Yeah! We got a good excuse! :'''Benson''': Oh, really? What's that? :'''Rigby''': We bought you breakfast burritos. :'''Benson''': ..What. :'''Rigby''': Y'know, just to say we're sorry for messing up at work all the time. Right, Mordecai? :'''Mordecai''': Uh... yeah. :'''Rigby''': Best burritos in the city... <hr width=50%> :''[at a house meeting with the covered body of Future Rigby]'' :'''Benson''': This is crazy... It's crazy! What was he talking about? Time being destroyed?! I... I-I-I-I... :'''Skips''': Why don't you tell us about this time machine? :'''Mordecai''': Well, all we wanted after high school was go to College U together... but Rigby got in and I didn't. So we tried to build a time machine to fix it, but it exploded and destroyed the whole science lab. :'''Muscle Man''': Whoa! Wait, Rigby got accepted and you were rejected? But Rigby doesn't know anything about anything! :'''Rigby''': Hey!! :'''Muscle Man''': You must've really tanked on that college essay. :'''Mordecai''': Pfft! Yeah, who knows? We both got expelled, and our science teacher Mr. Ross got fired. Rigby didn't graduate and lost his scholarship to College University, and I ended up just going to junior college. Rigby crashed with me in my dorm. I dropped out of college, and then we loafed around for a bit, we got this job at the park— :'''Skips''': Okay, okay, I think we're caught up, Monologue Johnson. :'''Pops''': I don't understand. How can Mordecai and Rigby stop being friends? :'''Hi-Five Ghost''': If they can't make it, then you and me have no chance! :'''Muscle Man''': Yeah, bro. What was the future you saying about you having to tell the truth or something? Did Mordo blow you away over some crazy secret? :'''Rigby''': Uh... what? No... I-I don't know! It must be something that happens in the future. :'''Benson''': This can't be happening. This has to be a prank. This has to be a prank! Muscle Man, I won't even be mad at you if you just tell me you're orchestrating all of this. :'''Muscle Man''': Bro, I'm somewhat flattered that you think my craft is at this level, but ultimately I'm deeply offended that A, you'd think I'd put my buns through this turmoil, and B, that you'd think I'd listen to orchestra music!! <hr width=50%> :''[Later Muscle Man and Hi-Five Ghost climbs up back to the crater]'' :'''Muscle Man''': All right, now to get to back to doing what we do best, guarding a space ship that our only hope to get back hooooome.....? :''[The ship is gone in not a sight]'' :'''Muscle Man''': Is this the right crater? :''[The van shows up, and Skips get out and finds out the ship is gone]'' :'''Skips''': What did you do? :'''Muscle Man''': Nothing, Skips. Honest. We just went to the bathroom real quick, and when we came back the ship was gone. :'''Skips''': The ship doesn't even work, how can it be gone?! AND WHY ARE YOU NAKED!!? :'''Muscle Man''': You know what? I'll... I'll go over there! :'''Skips''': ''[sighs]'' How in the world can this happen? ''[he finds a black shirt and reads the back]'' "I Ate From the Trash at Paparelli's." :'''Hi-Five Ghost''': Hey, Muscle Man, didn't you had a shirt like that, since years ago? :'''Muscle Man''': Yeah. ''[realizes something]'' Oh, no, bro. <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Ross''': Hey Rigby, remember when you ruin my state championship game? Now we're even. OOOOOAAAAAHHHH! ''[Goes through the portal but pops his head out]'' This is what you losers sound like and nobody likes it! OOOOOOOOOOAAAA!!!! :''[Goes in the portal before it disappears]'' :'''Rigby''': Mordecai? :'''Mordecai''': I can't believe you, Rigby. All this time you were lying to me?! And what? So you forged my rejection letter, is that it?! :'''Rigby''': Yeah, but... :'''Mordecai''': ARRRRGH! Why would you do that!? :'''Rigby''': I had to. You would have gone off to college without me. :'''Mordecai''': You don't get it, do you!? :'''Rigby''': It was just one lie, I was just trying to- :'''Mordecai''': It's always just one thing with you! You don't that to your best friend! Arrgh!! You're.... ''[frustrated]'' YOU’RE THE REASON I’M STUCK IN THIS DEAD END JOB!!! :'''Rigby''': Well, I'm stuck, too! Who better to be stuck with than your friend? :'''Mordecai''': You're not my friend. All you ever done is hold me back. And I'm an idiot for not seeing it, until now. :''[Rigby, heartbroken, runs away. He runs out of high school. Pops, HFG, Skips, Benson and Muscle Man go after him]'' :'''Benson''': Rigby, no! ''[Rigby gets in the van]'' Wait! ''[He startd the engine and drives away]'' Stop! <hr width=50%> :''[Rigby has flown off in the spaceship without waiting for anyone. He's sobbing and shockingly, suicidal]'' :'''Rigby''': Fly me into the sun so I won't have to be so sad anymore!! :'''Ship's Computer''': Fuel Cells: Critical. :'''Rigby''': Oh no, NO, NO!!! COME ON!! STUPID SHIP!! STUPID SHIP!!! :''[Rigby punches the buttons on the control panel in grief-filled fury. The ship has switched on Autopilot with its low fuel and won't respond.]'' :'''Ship's Computer''': Autopilot engaged to the nearest fueling station. :''[The ship warps off to the future, and parks at an intergalactic gas station to refuel. Rigby jumps out of the ship as it stops. Enraged that the ship didn't allow him to kill himself, he explodes at it and kicks it, but he only manages to hurt his foot.]'' :'''Rigby''': OW!!!! :''[Rigby hobbles around in pain, but then trips and falls against the gas pump monitor, bashing his head and knocking himself out.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Ross''': You guys. We gotta stop running into each other like this. :'''Mordecai''': Step aside, Ross. :'''Rigby''': Yeah, it's time to finish this! :'''Mr. Ross: <big><big> I'LL BE FINISHED WHEN TIME IS ERASED, AND YOU TWO ARE</big></big> <big><big><big><big>''DEAD!!!''</big></big></big></big>''' (He starts shooting at the two friends.) :'''Mordecai''': Stay with the plutonium. :'''Rigby''': Aah! Mordecai! (He charges at Mr. Ross, grabs his arm and Mr. Ross shoots at the crystal, which zaps and blasts the floor and it falls down) :'''Mordecai''': You were the worst teacher! :'''Mr. Ross''': Stuff it! (He bites Mr. Ross' arm, which makes him drop the gun and kicks it aside. He punches Mr. Ross to the ground, then he gets up, but gets shot by Rigby) :'''Mr. Ross''': Yoo-hoo! (punches Rigby) :'''Mordecai''': Rigby! (Mr. Ross teleports behind him and punches him) :'''Mordecai''': Show yourself! (Mr. Ross teleports near him and punches him three times, but Rigby jumps into his face and tackles him, but he throws Rigby at the crystal, which electrocutes him, then Mordecai charges at the box of plutonium) :'''Mr. Ross''': NOOO!! (Mordecai and the box of plutonium fall to another floor and Mordecai is knocked out as the box lid breaks) :'''Rigby''': Mordecai! (Mr. Ross teleports to Mordecai and grabs him by the neck, choking him as Rigby slide down the ladder to rescue Mordecai and headbutts him. He turns to Rigby and lets go of Mordecai) :'''Mr. Ross''': I've been waiting a long time for this! :'''Rigby''': I'm sorry for ruining your dumb volleyball game, okay?! Just let it go, man! :'''Mr. Ross''': '''"Let it go?!"''' Do you know what it feels like to dedicate your life to something and then have it ruined?! (Rigby looks at Mordecai.) :'''Rigby''': Yes I do. And I'm going to work hard to make it right! Mordecai, now!! (He runs to Mr. Ross pushes him. Rigby trips him and then Mr. Ross falls to his death. Rigby helps Mordecai up.) :'''Mordecai''': Thanks. (The ship shows up, and the others get out.) :'''Skips''': You guys alright? :'''Mordecai''': Yeah. :'''Skips''': Whoa, is he gonna regenerate? :'''Mordecai''': No, the fall must have broken his neck collar. :'''Skips''': Let's do what we came here to do. :'''Rigby''': Wait, I need to say something. (to Mordecai) Mordecai, this is all my fault. If I haven't change the letter, you wouldn't have wanted to go back in time and the Timenado would never been created. :'''Mordecai''': Well, I think Mr. Ross had it out for you anyways. :'''Rigby''': It doesn't matter. I robbed you of your future because I was being selfish. You're the only friend I ever had and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. I held you back and ruined your life, and I'm sorry. :'''Mordecai''': Dude, you didn't ruin my life. What you did was messed up. But I think before I was putting too much blame on you for how things turned out. I've made plenty of mistakes on my own for sure. And if you didn't do what you did, maybe things would have been different. But I take work at a lame job at a park with my best friend, any day. :'''Rigby''': Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph :'''Mordecai''': Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph. :'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Hmph. Hmph-hmph-hmph-hmph hmph-hmph-hmph. (Rigby goes to the box of plutonium.) :'''Rigby''': Now get out of here. I'm going take care of this on my own. :'''Mordecai''': Rigby, no! You don't have a protective suit, you'll die! :'''Rigby''': I'm tired of you always fixing my problems. This time I'm going to fix it! :'''Mordecai''': No! :'''Skips''': Come on! We've gotta go! :'''Rigby''': Hey Mordecai, one more thing! Saving the world is the best thing I've ever done. So if you can get Benson to make a sweet bronze statue of me to put at the front of the park, that'll be really cool. :'''Mordecai''': NOOOO! :'''Skips''': We have to leave him! (Rigby lifts up the box of plutonium to the crystal, but is too weak to do it) :'''Skips''': Mordecai, it's too late! :'''Mordecai''': No it's not! (He pushes Skips away and goes to help Rigby.) :'''Mordecai''': Rigby! :'''Rigby''': Mordecai, what are you doing?! :'''Mordecai''': I can't let you do this by yourself. Plus, I want to be part of that statue, too. (They carry the box of plutonium to the crystal, but Mr. Ross regenerates and teleports in front of them) :'''Mr. Ross''': (laughs) The game's not over yet, boys! <big><big> NOW, '''''WHO'S READY TO DIE?! RAAAHHH!!! </big></big> (Charges at the two friends) :'''Rigby''': NOOO! :'''Techmo''': Rigby, catch! (He throws his galaxy sword to Rigby, and he jump towards Mr. Ross) :'''Mr. Ross''': What the...? (Rigby swipes the sword at Mr. Ross' neck collar) :'''Mr. Ross''': Ha, you missed! :'''Rigby''': Did I? :'''Mr. Ross''': Uh, yeah, you did. (His neck collar breaks) What? :'''Rigby''': Set me up, Mordecai! (Mordecai sets Rigby up, sends him flying and he hits Mr. Ross' face like a volleyball, sending his head flying) :'''Mr. Ross''': NOOOOOOOOOO!!! (His reverse collar revives him all over again) NOOOOOOOO!!! (As he continues screaming, his body retreats) NOOOOOOO!!! This hurts way more than I thought it would! :'''Rigby''': Come on, let's finish this! (He and Mordecai lift the box of plutonium and threw it to the crystal, which destroys the box and it glows, then they retreat to Rigby's ship with the rest of the guys, and as they escape, the Timenado explodes, and the timeline goes back to normal. Cut to West Anderson High where a reporter of Channel 6. reports about the destroyed science lab.) :'''Reporter''': Yes, sad news. A explosion at West Anderson High, has left the entire science department destroyed. Let's go to our area cover jumping Chopper 6, Frank. :'''Frank Smith''': I tell you, Jim. It's pretty crazy down there, I've never seen anything like this. :'''Past Margret''': Whooooa. :'''Frank Smith''': Margret, stay back sweetie. :'''Principal Dean''': So you're telling me you've tried to make a time machine using Mr. Ross' plutonium, and blew up the whole science lab?!? :'''Past Mordecai and Rigby''': Yeah. :'''Past Mr. Ross''': Okay, I can expl- (Principal Dean punches him in the face and falls down on the floor) Ow! (Principal Dean picks him up in the arm) :'''Principal Dean''': You're going to jail, Ross! And you two, I'm calling your parents, you two are expelled! :'''Past Rigby''': Wait! Before you go, I have something to say something to Mr. Ross. (walks to Mr. Ross) I'm sorry for ruining your state championship game, Mr. Ross. I know it meant a lot to you. And if it wasn't for me, you guys totally could have won. I'm sorry. '''Past Mr. Ross''': (growls angrily, but is relaxed) That's all I been waiting to hear. Man! I feel so much better now. You know, I was about to plan a crazy complicated revenge plan on you but, now I don't feel like doing that at all. Ha! Now I feel like we can be best friends. You guys want to get burgers, my treat. What do you say, Principal Dean, can we get burgers? :'''Principal Dean''': No! You're going to jail! :'''Past Mr. Ross''': Oh yeah. :'''Principal Dean''': Now MARCH! :'''Past Mr. Ross''': Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Man! Come on! :'''Principal Dean''': I said march! (In the park, Past Mordecai and Rigby wave goodbye to the park workers as they return to their own time. Returning to the park, Mordecai props his future self up next to Future Rigby.) :'''Mordecai''': Even though they were really cool, I hope we never turn out like them. :'''Rigby''': I promise never to shoot you with a laser. :'''Mordecai''': I promise to never laser you, either. (Upon making these promises, Future Mordecai and Rigby disappear, much to everyone's surprise.) :'''Mordecai and Rigby''': Whoa. :'''Benson''': Well... I guess this wraps a neat little bow around everything. (Cut to the next day, where we see Benson walking in the hallway to Mordecai & Rigby's room.) :'''Benson''': Mordecai, Rigby. A new day of new beginning now you're a little late but we can work on... (He looks to see nothing, then he gets angry, turning red) <span style="color:red"> MORDECAI & RIGBY!!!</span> (A waiter was picking up a burger and place it in the bag.) :'''Waiter''': Okay, that will be $3.95... (He looks to see ship. The window opens as Rigby peaks out.) :'''Rigby''': Uh. Sorry how much? :'''Waiter''': $3.95. :'''Rigby''': Okay. Here you go. (He throws money) Can you just throw a food up here. We're in kinda hurry. (The waiter throws the bag and Rigby grabs it.) :'''Rigby''': Thanks. :'''Mordecai''': Dude! This was a bad idea. We're late! :'''Rigby''': Oh we're not late. We'll never going to be late again. ==Cast== *'''[[w:William Salyers|William Salyers]]''' — Rigby / Future Rigby *'''[[w:J. G. Quintel|J. G. Quintel]]''' — Mordecai / Hi-Five Ghost / Future Mordecai / Future Hi-Five Ghost *'''Sam Marin''' — Benson / Pops / Muscle Man / Future Benson / Future Pops / Future Muscle Man *'''[[w:Mark Hamill|Mark Richard Hamill]]''' — Skips / Future Skips *'''[[w:Jason Mantzoukas|Jason Mantzoukas]]''' — Mr. Ross *'''[[w:David Koechner|David Koechner]]''' — Principal Dean ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2015 films]] [[Category:2010s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American adult films]] [[Category:2010s American adult animated films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:American animated TV films]] [[Category:Direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Animated films about birds]] [[Category:Animated films about raccoons]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about time travel]] [[Category:Regular Show]] [[Category:Cartoon Network films]] 955wtakkwwfmaw5ixyignoxit3tx2tk 0 188190 3944600 3554942 2026-05-23T21:43:05Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944600 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Lely - Ogilby.jpg|thumb|Fortune assists the bold; the valiant man<br />Oft conqueror proves, because he thinks he can.]] '''[[w:John Ogilby|John Ogilby]]''' ([[17 November]] [[1600]] – [[4 September]] [[1676]]) was a Scottish [[translator]], [[w:impresario|impresario]] and [[w:cartographer|cartographer]]. == Quotes == ===''The Works of [[Virgil|Publius Virgilius Maro]]'' (2nd ed. 1654) === ==== Virgil's ''Bucolicks'' ==== ;Eclogue I [[File:Satellite image of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in April 2002.jpg|thumb|Britany, from all the world disjoined.]] * The hope of my poor Flock. * Great things to compare with Small. * Britany, from all the World disjoyn'd. ;Eclogue II * Sweet Youth, in Colour no such trust repose. * Thus every one pursue their own delights. ;Eclogue III [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866493).jpg|thumb|Ambushed in grass, a deadly serpent lies.]] * Now fields are green, and trees bear silver buds. * Ambush'd in grass, a deadly Serpent lyes. ;Eclogue IV [[File:Sweet Baby Kisses Family Love.jpg|thumb|Begin, sweet babe, with smiles thy mother know.]] * Begin, sweet Babe, with smiles thy Mother know. ;Eclogue V * O Divine Poet, me thy Verses please<br />More than soft slumber laid in quiet ease. ;Eclogue VII * Arcadians both, in youth both flourishing,<br />Both match'd to sing, to answer both prepar'd. ;Eclogue VIII * Now know I what [[Love]] is. * The Gods most pleasure in od numbers take. ;Eclogue IX * But them I'm not so foolish to believe. * Age all things wasts. * [[Singing]] let's go, the way shall better please. ;Eclogue X [[File:Triumphant Cupid among Emblems of Art and War (Thomas Willeboirts Bosschaert & Paul de Vos) - Nationalmuseum - 17413.tif|thumb|Love conquers all, let us submit to love.]] * Here sweet Meads, cool Fountains be,<br />Here Groves where I could spend my Age with thee. * Love Conquers all, let us submit to Love. ==== Virgil's ''Georgicks'' ==== ;Book I * Whence Men, a hard Race, sprung. * Pray for wet Summers, Winters wanting Rain. [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|Fierce toil through all things breaks.]] * Various Arts by study might be wrought<br />Up to their height. * Then Arts began; fierce [[toil|toyl]] through all things breaks,<br />And urgent Want strange Projects undertakes. * Each thing by Destiny<br />So hastens to grow worse, and backward goes;<br />As one against a stream his Vessel rowes,<br />Who if by chance his arm a little slack,<br />The Boat in the swift Chanel hurries back. * First the Gods adore. ;Book II <!--[[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]].]]--> * Bacchus loves the Sunny hills. * Such strength hath Custome in each tender Soul. [[File:Janua Vézelay.jpg|thumb|Happy is he that hidden causes knows.]] * I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]]. * Happy is he that hidden causes knowes. ;Book III * Yet I a way to raise my self have found,<br />Shall make my Name through all the World renown'd. * No stop, no stay. * The same [[Love]] works in all. [[File:Time Flies Metaphor Image.jpg|thumb|But time irreparable hastes away.]] * But [[time]] irreparable hasts away. ;Book IV * If I may great things compare with Small. * They say the [[Deity]]<br />Is mix'd through Earth, the Sea, and lofty Skie. * Nor is there place for Death. * Farewell, farewel, Night shades my Body o're,<br />Stretching my hands, t'embrace thee, thine no more. ==== Virgil's ''Æneis'' ==== ;Book I * Arms, and the Man I sing, who first did land,<br />Fate-forc'd from Troy, on the Lavinian Strand;<br />Whom angry Gods at Sea and Land engage,<br />And cruel Juno's persecuting Rage.<br />Much suffer'd he by War, whilst Walls he rear'd,<br />And Trojan Gods to Latian Realms transferr'd;<br />Whence Latins, and the Alban Princes come,<br />And lofty Tow'rs of all-commanding Rome. * Can in Celestial minds such Passion reign? * So great the Task to raise the Roman State! * Dear Friends, for we have many Dangers past,<br />And greater, God these too will end at last. [[File:Giovanni Battista Tiepolo - Venus Appearing to Aeneas on the Shores of Carthage - WGA22336.jpg|thumb|But who art thou? That voice, and beauteous face,<br />Not mortal is; thou art of heavenly race.]] * This Story may<br />Delightful be to tell another day. * Live, and with Hope such happy Dayes expect.<br />This said, although opprest with weighty Care,<br />He shews glad Looks, and hides his deep Despair. * Having drown'd her sparkling Eyes in tears. * How could my Son so highly thee incense<br />What was the wasted Trojans great offence? ** Compare [[John Dryden]]'s translation:<br />How could my pious son thy pow'r incense?<br />Or what, alas! is vanish'd Troy's offense? * But who art thou? that Voyce, and beauteous Face,<br />Not Mortal is; thou art of Heavenly Race. * She all the Goddesses excels. * If Men, and Mortal Powers you not regard,<br />Yet know, the Gods both Right and Wrong record. * Taught by my Woes, to succour the distrest. ;Book II [[File:Cheval de Troie d'après le Virgile du Vatican.jpg|thumb|Trojans beware, within some mischief lies;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing gifts I fear.]] [[File:Aeneas and his Father Fleeing Troy by Simon Vouet, San Diego Museum of Art.JPG|thumb|Dear father, get upon my shoulders straight,<br />Nor shall your burden be to me a weight.]] [[File:Batoni, Pompeo — Aeneas fleeing from Troy — 1750.jpg|thumb|Ascanius ... followed with no equal pace.]] * Trojans beware, within some Mischief lyes;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing Gifts I fear. * Fury our Judgement charms,<br />And we conceive it brave to dye in Arms. * Vanquisht men's safety is to hope for none. * In all parts cruel Grief, in all parts Fear,<br />And Death in various Shapes seen every where. * Ah! who may hope, when Heaven hath Help deni'd! * Th' Old Man a feeble Javelin threw,<br />Which could not pierce his sounding Target through,<br />But on the Margin hung the harmless Spear. * Arm, arm, bring Arms, the last day bids us go;<br />Dear Countreymen, let's once more charge the Foe;<br />Let us renew the Fight, on bravely fall,<br />We shall not perish unrevenged all. * Dear Father, get upon my shoulders streight,<br />Nor shall your Burthen be to me a Weight.<br />What ever chance, one common Danger we<br />Shall equal share, to both one safety be:<br />I shall [[w:Ascanius|Ascanius]] my Companion chuse;<br />My Wife must follow, but some distance use. * Ascanius did embrace<br />My hand, and follow'd with no equal pace. * Speechless I was, upright did stand my Hair. * Three times I strove to cling about her Neck,<br />Thrice her in vain my circling Arms entwin'd<br />She like a swift Dream flyes, or nimble Wind. * I the Mountain take,<br />Bearing my aged Father on my Back. ; Book III [[File:Wenceslas Hollar - Aeneas's farewell to Andromache (State 3).jpg|thumb|May you live happy, you whose woes are done.<br />Stern fates, to fates more cruel, us constrain.]] * What dares not impious man for cursed Gold! * A Prophetess inspir'd thou shalt behold<br />Down in a Cave, who long hath Fate foretold;<br />Which writ in Leaves, the Maid in order puts,<br />And to secure, in hollow Marble shuts.<br />They keep their Stations just as she design'd:<br />But the Door op'ning, with the smallest Wind,<br />The slender leaves do every way disperse. * Suffer thou with patience this delay. * Go, raise great Troy by prowess to the Skies. * May you live happy, you whose Woes are done.<br />Stern Fates, to Fates more cruel, us constrain. * On high Backs mounted of the swelling Flood,<br />At Heaven we tilt, then suddenly we fell,<br />Watry Foundations sinking low as Hell. * A horrid Monster, huge, deform'd, and blind. ;Book IV [[File:Énée et Didon, Guérin.jpg|thumb|I feel the sparks of my old flame revive.]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|Whilst a soul supports this mortal frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name.]] * Mean time the Queen wounded with deep desire,<br />Bleeds inward, and consumes in hidden Fire. * What strange Dreams disturb my rest? * Fear speaks degenerate minds. * Ah, by what Fates<br />Hath he been toss'd? what Battles he relates!<br />Were I not fix'd, did not my changeless Vow<br />All thoughts of second Marriage dis-allow,<br />Since my first Love by Death deceiv'd me...<br />I had perhaps with this one Crime comply'd. * I feel the Sparks of my old Flame revive. * But may the Earth first swallow me alive,<br />Or Jove's dire Thunder sink me down to Hell,<br />Where Shades, pale Shades, of Night eternal dwell,<br />E're I with Shame, and those dear Ties dispense:<br />He who my first Love had, hath born it hence,<br />And in his Grave for ever let it rest. * This, think'st thou Dust intomb'd, or Ghosts regard? * Stupendious Works unfinish'd lye. * The Queen neglected Fame for Love. * Fame far out-strips all Mischiefs in her course,<br />Which grows by Motion, gains, by flying, Force;<br />Kept under first by Fear, soon after shrouds,<br />Stalking or Earth, her Head amongst the Clouds. * He must hoyst Sail, and fly. * His active Soul a thousand waies divides,<br />And swift through all imaginations glides. * Who a Lover can deceive? * And could'st thou hope, perfidious, to deceive<br />Me thus? and secretly our Kingdom leave? * Fliest thou me?<br />Now by these Tears, by this Right hand I thee<br />(Who now unfortunate can boast no more)<br />By our late Vows, our Nuptial Rites implore;<br />If e're I did oblige, if ever please,<br />Take pitie on a falling House; And these<br />Designes, if Praier may yet find rome, lay by. * Whilst a Soul supports this mortal Frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name. === ''Homer His Iliads Translated'' (1660) === * Achilles Peleus Son's destructive Rage,<br />Great Goddess, sing, which did the Greeks engage<br />In many Woes, and mighty Hero's Ghosts<br />Sent down untimely to the Stygian Coasts:<br />Devouring Vultures on their Bodies prey'd,<br />And greedy Dogs, (so was Jove's Will obey'd;)<br />Because Great Agamemnon fell at odds<br />With stern Achilles, Off-spring of the Gods. ** Book I, opening lines [[File:Hektor wirft Paris seine Weichlichkeit vor (Tischbein).jpg|thumb|Him here he found preparing for the field<br />His bow, his breastplate, and his glittering shield.]] [[File:Peter Paul Rubens 142.jpg|thumb|With cruel tusks a savage boar employs,<br />Who all king Oeneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fibered roots,<br />Silvered with blossoms of delicious fruits.]] [[File:Juno Receiving the Cestus from Venus by Joshua Reynolds.jpg|thumb|Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid?]] <!--[[File:Rubens - Judgement of Paris.jpg|thumb|When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame.]]--> * Him here he found preparing for the field<br/>His bow, his breast-plate, and his glittering shield:<br/>Whilst beauteous Helen 'mongst her maids in state<br/>Their several works and tasks disposing sate. ** Book IV * Ah! much those ancient heroes were of old<br />As patterns of benignity extoll'd:<br />Whom, though their bosoms did with anger boil;<br />Rich gifts and softer words would reconcile. ** Book IX * With cruell tusks a savage boar imploys,<br />Who all king Œneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fiber'd roots,<br />Silver'd with blossoms of delicious fruits. ** Book IX * Come, let us arm with speed; and let us two<br />Try, what our forces may united do. ** Book XIII * Like a burnt stake, half stuck upon his shield;<br />The other half lay broken in the field. ** Book XIII * Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid? ** Book XIV * But Ajax now no longer thought it good<br />To keep his post, and stand where others stood. ** Book XV * Why com'st thou like a girl with blubber'd eyes,<br />Who running by her busie mother cries<br />To be ta'en up, and by her garments holds,<br />Till she the fondling in her arms infolds. ** Book XVI * Then let him swear he ne'er the lady knew,<br />And did with her as men with women do. ** Book XIX * Why prattle we like children at their play,<br />Spending thus idle breath, enough to freight<br />An able vessel of the primer rate?<br />Our [[tongues]] are voluble, and store of words<br />Invention on all arguments affords,<br />Scatter'd on fresh occasions here and there,<br />And what thou say'st thou shalt from others hear.<br />Let us no longer vainly thus contend,<br />Like fenceless women, railing to no end. ** Book XX * Who, dearest daughter! thus unkindly used,<br />And like a malefactor thee abused?<br />She sighing then replied; Juno thy wife,<br />Who still foments contention here and strife. ** Book XXI * When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame. ** Book XXIV; the [[w:Judgement of Paris|Judgement of Paris]]. === ''Homer His Odysses Translated'' (1665) === * That prudent Hero's wandering, Muse, rehearse,<br />Who (Troy b'ing sack'd) coasting the Universe,<br />Saw many Cities, and their various Modes;<br />Much suffering, tost by Storms on raging Floods,<br />His Friends conducting to their Native Coast:<br />But all in vain, for he his Navy lost,<br />And they their Lives, prophanely feasting on<br />Herds consecrated to the glorious Sun;<br />Who much incens'd obstructed so their way,<br />They ne'er return'd: Jove's Daughter this display. ** Book I, opening lines * Then in a chair, with a rich cushion grac'd<br />And a carv'd foot-stool, he Minerva plac'd.<br />There 'gainst a column sets her lance, where stood<br />Ulysses' javelins, planted like a wood. ** Book I. Compare [[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Pope's translation]]: **: The spear receiving from her hand, he plac'd<br />Against a column, fair with sculpture grac'd;<br />Where seemly rang'd in peaceful order stood<br />Ulysses' arms, now long disus'd to blood. [[File:Odysseus bei den Laestrygonen.jpg|thumb|Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoyed;<br />But all the rest the Laestrigons destroyed.]] * There had his flesh been rent, fractur'd his bones,<br />'Mongst rowling pebbles, and sharp pointed stones. ** Book V * At last a pleasant river's mouth he finds,<br />Free from rough clifts, safe from disturbing winds. ** Book V * Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoy'd;<br />But all the rest the Læstrigons destroy'd. ** Book X * These Heaven decrees, and ever-fixed Fate.<br />But say, blest prophet, and the truth relate;<br />I see my mother's shade, who not her son<br />Will speak to, nor so much as look upon:<br />Silent she sits by sacred blood: ah, how<br />May she, poor shadow! her dear offspring know? ** Book X === ''The Fables of [[Aesop]]'' (2nd ed. 1668) === [[File:The Lion and the Mouse - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Small help may bring great aid.]] [[File:Oudry wolf & lamb.JPG|thumb|They that have power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick quarrels, and, pretending justice, kill.]] <!--[[File:Wenceslas Hollar - The eagle and the beetle 2.jpg|thumb|Those that can help, to hurt may find a way.]]--> [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Wind - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Loud threatening make men stubborn...]] [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Sun - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|... but kind words<br />Pierce gentle breasts sooner than sharpest swords.]] * He is too blest that his own Happiness knows,<br />And Mortals to themselves are greatest Foes. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'' * He that loves Gold, starves more, the more he's fed. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'', Moral <!-- * Robber of Man, who now shall give thee [[aid|ayd]]? ** Fab. VI: ''The Battel of the Frog and Mouse'', line 136 --> * Great Expectations oft to nothing come. ** Fab. VIII: ''Of the Mountain in Labour'' * True Valour best is without Witness shown. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'' * Mercy makes Princes Gods. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * Small Help may bring great Aid. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * This cruel Prince that made his Will a Law. ** Fab. XII: ''Of the Frogs desiring a King'' * They that have Power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick Quarrels, and, pretending Justice, kill. ** Fab. XIV: ''Of the Wolf and the Lamb'' * Who Weapons put into a Mad-Man's Hands,<br />May be the first the Error understands. ** Fab. XXXVI: ''Of the Husband-man and the Wood'' * None can Protect themselves with their own Shade.<br />None for themselves are born. ** Fab. XLVII: ''Of the Rebellion of the Hands and Feet'' <!-- * People that under Tyrant Scepters live,<br />Should each to other kind Assistance give. ** Fab. XLVIII: ''Of the Horse and laden Ass'', Moral --> * No Beast is half so False as Man. ** Fab. XLIX: ''Of the Fox and the Cock'' * Fortune assists the Bold, the Valiant Man<br />Oft Conqueror proves, because he thinks he can. ** Fab. LII: ''Of the Forrester, the Skinner, and a Bear'', Moral * Thus at Home happy, oft fond Youth complain,<br />And Peace and Plenty with soft Beds disdain.<br />But when in Forrein War Death seals his Eys,<br />His Birth-place he remembers e'r he Dies. ** Fab. LIII: ''Of the Tortoise and the Frogs'', Moral * Rich Cloaths, nor Cost, nor Education can<br />Change Nature, nor transform and Ape into a Man. ** Fab. LV: ''Of an Ægyptian King and his Apes'' * Those that can Help, to Hurt may find a way. ** Fab. LVI: ''Of the Eagle and the Beetle'' * One good Art's better than a thousand bad. ** Fab. LVII: ''Of the Fox and the Cat'' * Lost Reputation hard is to be found. ** Fab. LXI: ''Of Cupid, Death, and Reputation'' * Of Pride in thy Prosperity beware,<br />Vicissitudes of Fortune Constant are. ** Fab. LXII: ''Of the Gourd, and the Pine'' * Loud Threatnings make men stubborn, but kind Words<br />Pierce gentle Breasts sooner than sharpest Swords. ** Fab. LXV: ''Of the Sun and Wind'', Moral * Though Strong, Resist not a too Potent Foe;<br />Madmen against a violent Torrent row.<br />Thou mayst hereafter serve the Common-weal;<br />Then yield till Time shall later Acts repeal. ** Fab. LXVII: ''Of the Oke and the Reed'', Moral == Quotes about Ogilby == [[File:Thomas Hobbes (portrait).jpg|thumb|But why without annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby.<br />~ [[Thomas Hobbes]]]] [[File:Winstanley.jpg|thumb|John Ogilby was one who, from a late initiation into literature, made such a progress therein, as might well style him to be the prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned volumes, as well in verse as in prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his memory.<br />~ [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]]]] * He had such an excellent inventive and prudentiall witt, and master of so good addresse, that when he was undon he could not only shift handsomely (which is a great mastery), but he would make such rationall proposalls that would be embraced by rich and great men, that in a short time he could gaine a good estate again, and never failed in any thing he ever undertooke but allwayes went through with profits and honour. ** [[John Aubrey]], ''[[w:Brief Lives|Brief Lives]]'', ed. Andrew Clark, Vol. II (1898), p. 103 * Ogilby, the favourite of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]]'s schoolboy days, and the banker on whom he not unfrequently drew for rhymes while composing his own translation, though a faithful interpreter of the Greek, ranks as an epic poet below [[Sir Richard Blackmore]]. ** [[John Conington]], "The Poetry of Pope", in ''Oxford Essays'' (1855), p. 32 * John Ogilby, the well-known translator of Homer, was originally a dancing-master. He had apprenticed himself to that profession on finding himself reduced to depend upon his own resources, by the imprisonment of his father for debt in the King's Bench. Having succeeded in this pursuit, he was very soon able to release his father, which he did, very much to his credit, with the first money he procured. An accident, however, put an end to his dancing, and he was left again without any permanent means of subsistence. In these circumstances, the first thing he did was to open a small theatre in Dublin; but just when he had fairly established it, and had reason to hope that it would succeed, the rebellion of 1641 broke out, and not only swept away all his little property, but repeatedly put even his life in jeopardy. He at last found his way back to London, in a state of complete destitution: but, although he had never received any regular education, he had before this made a few attempts at verse-making, and in his extremity he bethought him of turning his talent in this way, which certainly was not great, to some account. He immediately commenced his studies, which he was enabled to pursue chiefly, it is said, through the liberal assistance of some members of the university of Cambridge; and although then considerably above forty years of age, he made such progress in Latin that he was soon considered in a condition to undertake a poetical translation of Virgil. This work was published in the year 1650. In a very few years a second edition of it was brought out with great pomp of typography and embellishments. Such was its success that the industrious and enterprising translator actually proceeded, although now in his fifty-fourth year, to commence the study of Greek, in order that he might match his version of the Æneid by others of the Iliad and the Odyssey. In due time both appeared; and Ogilby, who had in the meanwhile established himself a second time in Dublin in the management of a new theatre, was in the enjoyment of greater prosperity than ever, when, having unfortunately disposed of his Irish property, and returned to take up his residence in London, just before the great fire of 1666, he was left by that dreadful event once more entirely destitute. With unconquerable courage and perseverance, however, he set to work afresh with his translations and other literary enterprises; and was again so successful as to be eventually enabled to rebuild his house, which had been burned down, and to establish a printing-press; in the employment of which he took every opportunity of indulging that taste for splendid typography to which his first works had owed so much of their success. He was now also appointed cosmographer and geographic printer to Charles II.; and at last, at the age of seventy-six, terminated a life remarkable for its vicissitudes, and not uninstructive as an evidence both of the respectable proficiency in literature which may be acquired by those who begin their education late in life, and also of what may be done by a stout heart and indefatigable activity in repairing the worst injuries of fortune. Ogilby was no great poet, although his translations were very popular when they first appeared; but his Homer, we ought to mention, had the honour of being one of the first books that kindled the young imagination of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], who, however, in the preface to his own translation of the Iliad, describes the poetry of his predecessor and early favourite as "too mean for criticism." ** [[w:George Lillie Craik|George Lillie Craik]], ''The Pursuit of Knowledge Under Difficulties: Illustrated by Anecdotes'' (1830), Chapter IV, pp. 68–70. Quoted in ''The Monthly Review'' (September, 1829), Art. XII: "The Library of Entertaining Knowledge", pp. 143–144. Also in ''Biography of Self Taught Men'' (1832) by [[w:Bela Bates Edwards|Bela Bates Edwards]], pp. xlii–xliii. * It is a curious co-incidence of circumstances, that [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] was initiated in poetry at eight years of age by the perusal of Ogilby's Homer. A friend having presented [[James Beattie (poet)|Dr. Beattie]], in the latter part of his life, with a copy of Ogilby's Virgil, made him very happy, in thus recalling to his imagination all the ideas with which his favourite author had at first inspired him, even through the medium of a translation. ** [[w:Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet|Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet]], ''An Account of the Life and Writings of James Beattie'' (1806), footnote on p. 11 * But why without Annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby. ** [[Thomas Hobbes]], Preface to ''Homer's Odysses'' (1675) * <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Thomas Hobbes|Hobbes]]'s] poetry, as well as Ogilby's, is too mean for criticism. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]'' (1715) * Here swells the shelf with Ogilby the great. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad|The Dunciad, Variorum]]'' (1729), Book I, line 141, p. 82 * Ogilby's translation of Homer was one of the first large poems that ever [[Alexander Pope|Mr. Pope]] read; and he still spoke of the pleasure it then gave him with a sort of rapture, only on reflecting on it. ** [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]], ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820), pp. 46–47 * [Alexander Pope] treads in the steps of Ogilby; below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation. ** [[Gilbert Wakefield]], ''The Iliad of Homer'', Vol. V (1796), footnote on p. 302 * John Ogilby was one, who from a late Initiation into Literature, made such a Progress therein, as might well stile him to be the Prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned Volumes, as well in Verse as in Prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his Memory. ** [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]], [https://archive.org/details/thelivesofthemos15461gut ''The Lives of the Most Famous English Poets''] (1687) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons|John Ogilby}} * [https://books.google.com/books?id=YTloAAAAcAAJ&printsec=frontcover ''The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro''] (London, 1650) – available at [[w:Google Books|Google Books]] * ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=2eVBAQAAMAAJ&printsec=frontcover The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro] Translated, Adorned with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations''; The Second Edition (London, 1668) – available at Google Books * ''[https://archive.org/details/fablesofaesopparogil The Fables of Æsop Paraphras'd in Verse]: Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1668) – available at the [[w:Internet Archive|Internet Archive]] * ''[https://books.google.pt/books?id=d9FT0CSiZMwC&printsec=frontcover Homer His Iliads] Translated, Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1669) – available at Google Books {{DEFAULTSORT:Ogilby, John}} [[Category:Translators from Scotland]] [[Category:Businesspeople from Scotland]] [[Category:1600 births]] [[Category:1676 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 7dn8ru0cm2hr96gbpz7r7ji7ioumcg0 3944729 3944600 2026-05-24T05:06:00Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Ogilby */ 3944729 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Lely - Ogilby.jpg|thumb|Fortune assists the bold; the valiant man<br />Oft conqueror proves, because he thinks he can.]] '''[[w:John Ogilby|John Ogilby]]''' ([[17 November]] [[1600]] – [[4 September]] [[1676]]) was a Scottish [[translator]], [[w:impresario|impresario]] and [[w:cartographer|cartographer]]. == Quotes == ===''The Works of [[Virgil|Publius Virgilius Maro]]'' (2nd ed. 1654) === ==== Virgil's ''Bucolicks'' ==== ;Eclogue I [[File:Satellite image of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in April 2002.jpg|thumb|Britany, from all the world disjoined.]] * The hope of my poor Flock. * Great things to compare with Small. * Britany, from all the World disjoyn'd. ;Eclogue II * Sweet Youth, in Colour no such trust repose. * Thus every one pursue their own delights. ;Eclogue III [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866493).jpg|thumb|Ambushed in grass, a deadly serpent lies.]] * Now fields are green, and trees bear silver buds. * Ambush'd in grass, a deadly Serpent lyes. ;Eclogue IV [[File:Sweet Baby Kisses Family Love.jpg|thumb|Begin, sweet babe, with smiles thy mother know.]] * Begin, sweet Babe, with smiles thy Mother know. ;Eclogue V * O Divine Poet, me thy Verses please<br />More than soft slumber laid in quiet ease. ;Eclogue VII * Arcadians both, in youth both flourishing,<br />Both match'd to sing, to answer both prepar'd. ;Eclogue VIII * Now know I what [[Love]] is. * The Gods most pleasure in od numbers take. ;Eclogue IX * But them I'm not so foolish to believe. * Age all things wasts. * [[Singing]] let's go, the way shall better please. ;Eclogue X [[File:Triumphant Cupid among Emblems of Art and War (Thomas Willeboirts Bosschaert & Paul de Vos) - Nationalmuseum - 17413.tif|thumb|Love conquers all, let us submit to love.]] * Here sweet Meads, cool Fountains be,<br />Here Groves where I could spend my Age with thee. * Love Conquers all, let us submit to Love. ==== Virgil's ''Georgicks'' ==== ;Book I * Whence Men, a hard Race, sprung. * Pray for wet Summers, Winters wanting Rain. [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|Fierce toil through all things breaks.]] * Various Arts by study might be wrought<br />Up to their height. * Then Arts began; fierce [[toil|toyl]] through all things breaks,<br />And urgent Want strange Projects undertakes. * Each thing by Destiny<br />So hastens to grow worse, and backward goes;<br />As one against a stream his Vessel rowes,<br />Who if by chance his arm a little slack,<br />The Boat in the swift Chanel hurries back. * First the Gods adore. ;Book II <!--[[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]].]]--> * Bacchus loves the Sunny hills. * Such strength hath Custome in each tender Soul. [[File:Janua Vézelay.jpg|thumb|Happy is he that hidden causes knows.]] * I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]]. * Happy is he that hidden causes knowes. ;Book III * Yet I a way to raise my self have found,<br />Shall make my Name through all the World renown'd. * No stop, no stay. * The same [[Love]] works in all. [[File:Time Flies Metaphor Image.jpg|thumb|But time irreparable hastes away.]] * But [[time]] irreparable hasts away. ;Book IV * If I may great things compare with Small. * They say the [[Deity]]<br />Is mix'd through Earth, the Sea, and lofty Skie. * Nor is there place for Death. * Farewell, farewel, Night shades my Body o're,<br />Stretching my hands, t'embrace thee, thine no more. ==== Virgil's ''Æneis'' ==== ;Book I * Arms, and the Man I sing, who first did land,<br />Fate-forc'd from Troy, on the Lavinian Strand;<br />Whom angry Gods at Sea and Land engage,<br />And cruel Juno's persecuting Rage.<br />Much suffer'd he by War, whilst Walls he rear'd,<br />And Trojan Gods to Latian Realms transferr'd;<br />Whence Latins, and the Alban Princes come,<br />And lofty Tow'rs of all-commanding Rome. * Can in Celestial minds such Passion reign? * So great the Task to raise the Roman State! * Dear Friends, for we have many Dangers past,<br />And greater, God these too will end at last. [[File:Giovanni Battista Tiepolo - Venus Appearing to Aeneas on the Shores of Carthage - WGA22336.jpg|thumb|But who art thou? That voice, and beauteous face,<br />Not mortal is; thou art of heavenly race.]] * This Story may<br />Delightful be to tell another day. * Live, and with Hope such happy Dayes expect.<br />This said, although opprest with weighty Care,<br />He shews glad Looks, and hides his deep Despair. * Having drown'd her sparkling Eyes in tears. * How could my Son so highly thee incense<br />What was the wasted Trojans great offence? ** Compare [[John Dryden]]'s translation:<br />How could my pious son thy pow'r incense?<br />Or what, alas! is vanish'd Troy's offense? * But who art thou? that Voyce, and beauteous Face,<br />Not Mortal is; thou art of Heavenly Race. * She all the Goddesses excels. * If Men, and Mortal Powers you not regard,<br />Yet know, the Gods both Right and Wrong record. * Taught by my Woes, to succour the distrest. ;Book II [[File:Cheval de Troie d'après le Virgile du Vatican.jpg|thumb|Trojans beware, within some mischief lies;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing gifts I fear.]] [[File:Aeneas and his Father Fleeing Troy by Simon Vouet, San Diego Museum of Art.JPG|thumb|Dear father, get upon my shoulders straight,<br />Nor shall your burden be to me a weight.]] [[File:Batoni, Pompeo — Aeneas fleeing from Troy — 1750.jpg|thumb|Ascanius ... followed with no equal pace.]] * Trojans beware, within some Mischief lyes;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing Gifts I fear. * Fury our Judgement charms,<br />And we conceive it brave to dye in Arms. * Vanquisht men's safety is to hope for none. * In all parts cruel Grief, in all parts Fear,<br />And Death in various Shapes seen every where. * Ah! who may hope, when Heaven hath Help deni'd! * Th' Old Man a feeble Javelin threw,<br />Which could not pierce his sounding Target through,<br />But on the Margin hung the harmless Spear. * Arm, arm, bring Arms, the last day bids us go;<br />Dear Countreymen, let's once more charge the Foe;<br />Let us renew the Fight, on bravely fall,<br />We shall not perish unrevenged all. * Dear Father, get upon my shoulders streight,<br />Nor shall your Burthen be to me a Weight.<br />What ever chance, one common Danger we<br />Shall equal share, to both one safety be:<br />I shall [[w:Ascanius|Ascanius]] my Companion chuse;<br />My Wife must follow, but some distance use. * Ascanius did embrace<br />My hand, and follow'd with no equal pace. * Speechless I was, upright did stand my Hair. * Three times I strove to cling about her Neck,<br />Thrice her in vain my circling Arms entwin'd<br />She like a swift Dream flyes, or nimble Wind. * I the Mountain take,<br />Bearing my aged Father on my Back. ; Book III [[File:Wenceslas Hollar - Aeneas's farewell to Andromache (State 3).jpg|thumb|May you live happy, you whose woes are done.<br />Stern fates, to fates more cruel, us constrain.]] * What dares not impious man for cursed Gold! * A Prophetess inspir'd thou shalt behold<br />Down in a Cave, who long hath Fate foretold;<br />Which writ in Leaves, the Maid in order puts,<br />And to secure, in hollow Marble shuts.<br />They keep their Stations just as she design'd:<br />But the Door op'ning, with the smallest Wind,<br />The slender leaves do every way disperse. * Suffer thou with patience this delay. * Go, raise great Troy by prowess to the Skies. * May you live happy, you whose Woes are done.<br />Stern Fates, to Fates more cruel, us constrain. * On high Backs mounted of the swelling Flood,<br />At Heaven we tilt, then suddenly we fell,<br />Watry Foundations sinking low as Hell. * A horrid Monster, huge, deform'd, and blind. ;Book IV [[File:Énée et Didon, Guérin.jpg|thumb|I feel the sparks of my old flame revive.]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|Whilst a soul supports this mortal frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name.]] * Mean time the Queen wounded with deep desire,<br />Bleeds inward, and consumes in hidden Fire. * What strange Dreams disturb my rest? * Fear speaks degenerate minds. * Ah, by what Fates<br />Hath he been toss'd? what Battles he relates!<br />Were I not fix'd, did not my changeless Vow<br />All thoughts of second Marriage dis-allow,<br />Since my first Love by Death deceiv'd me...<br />I had perhaps with this one Crime comply'd. * I feel the Sparks of my old Flame revive. * But may the Earth first swallow me alive,<br />Or Jove's dire Thunder sink me down to Hell,<br />Where Shades, pale Shades, of Night eternal dwell,<br />E're I with Shame, and those dear Ties dispense:<br />He who my first Love had, hath born it hence,<br />And in his Grave for ever let it rest. * This, think'st thou Dust intomb'd, or Ghosts regard? * Stupendious Works unfinish'd lye. * The Queen neglected Fame for Love. * Fame far out-strips all Mischiefs in her course,<br />Which grows by Motion, gains, by flying, Force;<br />Kept under first by Fear, soon after shrouds,<br />Stalking or Earth, her Head amongst the Clouds. * He must hoyst Sail, and fly. * His active Soul a thousand waies divides,<br />And swift through all imaginations glides. * Who a Lover can deceive? * And could'st thou hope, perfidious, to deceive<br />Me thus? and secretly our Kingdom leave? * Fliest thou me?<br />Now by these Tears, by this Right hand I thee<br />(Who now unfortunate can boast no more)<br />By our late Vows, our Nuptial Rites implore;<br />If e're I did oblige, if ever please,<br />Take pitie on a falling House; And these<br />Designes, if Praier may yet find rome, lay by. * Whilst a Soul supports this mortal Frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name. === ''Homer His Iliads Translated'' (1660) === * Achilles Peleus Son's destructive Rage,<br />Great Goddess, sing, which did the Greeks engage<br />In many Woes, and mighty Hero's Ghosts<br />Sent down untimely to the Stygian Coasts:<br />Devouring Vultures on their Bodies prey'd,<br />And greedy Dogs, (so was Jove's Will obey'd;)<br />Because Great Agamemnon fell at odds<br />With stern Achilles, Off-spring of the Gods. ** Book I, opening lines [[File:Hektor wirft Paris seine Weichlichkeit vor (Tischbein).jpg|thumb|Him here he found preparing for the field<br />His bow, his breastplate, and his glittering shield.]] [[File:Peter Paul Rubens 142.jpg|thumb|With cruel tusks a savage boar employs,<br />Who all king Oeneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fibered roots,<br />Silvered with blossoms of delicious fruits.]] [[File:Juno Receiving the Cestus from Venus by Joshua Reynolds.jpg|thumb|Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid?]] <!--[[File:Rubens - Judgement of Paris.jpg|thumb|When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame.]]--> * Him here he found preparing for the field<br/>His bow, his breast-plate, and his glittering shield:<br/>Whilst beauteous Helen 'mongst her maids in state<br/>Their several works and tasks disposing sate. ** Book IV * Ah! much those ancient heroes were of old<br />As patterns of benignity extoll'd:<br />Whom, though their bosoms did with anger boil;<br />Rich gifts and softer words would reconcile. ** Book IX * With cruell tusks a savage boar imploys,<br />Who all king Œneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fiber'd roots,<br />Silver'd with blossoms of delicious fruits. ** Book IX * Come, let us arm with speed; and let us two<br />Try, what our forces may united do. ** Book XIII * Like a burnt stake, half stuck upon his shield;<br />The other half lay broken in the field. ** Book XIII * Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid? ** Book XIV * But Ajax now no longer thought it good<br />To keep his post, and stand where others stood. ** Book XV * Why com'st thou like a girl with blubber'd eyes,<br />Who running by her busie mother cries<br />To be ta'en up, and by her garments holds,<br />Till she the fondling in her arms infolds. ** Book XVI * Then let him swear he ne'er the lady knew,<br />And did with her as men with women do. ** Book XIX * Why prattle we like children at their play,<br />Spending thus idle breath, enough to freight<br />An able vessel of the primer rate?<br />Our [[tongues]] are voluble, and store of words<br />Invention on all arguments affords,<br />Scatter'd on fresh occasions here and there,<br />And what thou say'st thou shalt from others hear.<br />Let us no longer vainly thus contend,<br />Like fenceless women, railing to no end. ** Book XX * Who, dearest daughter! thus unkindly used,<br />And like a malefactor thee abused?<br />She sighing then replied; Juno thy wife,<br />Who still foments contention here and strife. ** Book XXI * When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame. ** Book XXIV; the [[w:Judgement of Paris|Judgement of Paris]]. === ''Homer His Odysses Translated'' (1665) === * That prudent Hero's wandering, Muse, rehearse,<br />Who (Troy b'ing sack'd) coasting the Universe,<br />Saw many Cities, and their various Modes;<br />Much suffering, tost by Storms on raging Floods,<br />His Friends conducting to their Native Coast:<br />But all in vain, for he his Navy lost,<br />And they their Lives, prophanely feasting on<br />Herds consecrated to the glorious Sun;<br />Who much incens'd obstructed so their way,<br />They ne'er return'd: Jove's Daughter this display. ** Book I, opening lines * Then in a chair, with a rich cushion grac'd<br />And a carv'd foot-stool, he Minerva plac'd.<br />There 'gainst a column sets her lance, where stood<br />Ulysses' javelins, planted like a wood. ** Book I. Compare [[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Pope's translation]]: **: The spear receiving from her hand, he plac'd<br />Against a column, fair with sculpture grac'd;<br />Where seemly rang'd in peaceful order stood<br />Ulysses' arms, now long disus'd to blood. [[File:Odysseus bei den Laestrygonen.jpg|thumb|Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoyed;<br />But all the rest the Laestrigons destroyed.]] * There had his flesh been rent, fractur'd his bones,<br />'Mongst rowling pebbles, and sharp pointed stones. ** Book V * At last a pleasant river's mouth he finds,<br />Free from rough clifts, safe from disturbing winds. ** Book V * Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoy'd;<br />But all the rest the Læstrigons destroy'd. ** Book X * These Heaven decrees, and ever-fixed Fate.<br />But say, blest prophet, and the truth relate;<br />I see my mother's shade, who not her son<br />Will speak to, nor so much as look upon:<br />Silent she sits by sacred blood: ah, how<br />May she, poor shadow! her dear offspring know? ** Book X === ''The Fables of [[Aesop]]'' (2nd ed. 1668) === [[File:The Lion and the Mouse - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Small help may bring great aid.]] [[File:Oudry wolf & lamb.JPG|thumb|They that have power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick quarrels, and, pretending justice, kill.]] <!--[[File:Wenceslas Hollar - The eagle and the beetle 2.jpg|thumb|Those that can help, to hurt may find a way.]]--> [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Wind - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Loud threatening make men stubborn...]] [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Sun - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|... but kind words<br />Pierce gentle breasts sooner than sharpest swords.]] * He is too blest that his own Happiness knows,<br />And Mortals to themselves are greatest Foes. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'' * He that loves Gold, starves more, the more he's fed. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'', Moral <!-- * Robber of Man, who now shall give thee [[aid|ayd]]? ** Fab. VI: ''The Battel of the Frog and Mouse'', line 136 --> * Great Expectations oft to nothing come. ** Fab. VIII: ''Of the Mountain in Labour'' * True Valour best is without Witness shown. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'' * Mercy makes Princes Gods. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * Small Help may bring great Aid. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * This cruel Prince that made his Will a Law. ** Fab. XII: ''Of the Frogs desiring a King'' * They that have Power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick Quarrels, and, pretending Justice, kill. ** Fab. XIV: ''Of the Wolf and the Lamb'' * Who Weapons put into a Mad-Man's Hands,<br />May be the first the Error understands. ** Fab. XXXVI: ''Of the Husband-man and the Wood'' * None can Protect themselves with their own Shade.<br />None for themselves are born. ** Fab. XLVII: ''Of the Rebellion of the Hands and Feet'' <!-- * People that under Tyrant Scepters live,<br />Should each to other kind Assistance give. ** Fab. XLVIII: ''Of the Horse and laden Ass'', Moral --> * No Beast is half so False as Man. ** Fab. XLIX: ''Of the Fox and the Cock'' * Fortune assists the Bold, the Valiant Man<br />Oft Conqueror proves, because he thinks he can. ** Fab. LII: ''Of the Forrester, the Skinner, and a Bear'', Moral * Thus at Home happy, oft fond Youth complain,<br />And Peace and Plenty with soft Beds disdain.<br />But when in Forrein War Death seals his Eys,<br />His Birth-place he remembers e'r he Dies. ** Fab. LIII: ''Of the Tortoise and the Frogs'', Moral * Rich Cloaths, nor Cost, nor Education can<br />Change Nature, nor transform and Ape into a Man. ** Fab. LV: ''Of an Ægyptian King and his Apes'' * Those that can Help, to Hurt may find a way. ** Fab. LVI: ''Of the Eagle and the Beetle'' * One good Art's better than a thousand bad. ** Fab. LVII: ''Of the Fox and the Cat'' * Lost Reputation hard is to be found. ** Fab. LXI: ''Of Cupid, Death, and Reputation'' * Of Pride in thy Prosperity beware,<br />Vicissitudes of Fortune Constant are. ** Fab. LXII: ''Of the Gourd, and the Pine'' * Loud Threatnings make men stubborn, but kind Words<br />Pierce gentle Breasts sooner than sharpest Swords. ** Fab. LXV: ''Of the Sun and Wind'', Moral * Though Strong, Resist not a too Potent Foe;<br />Madmen against a violent Torrent row.<br />Thou mayst hereafter serve the Common-weal;<br />Then yield till Time shall later Acts repeal. ** Fab. LXVII: ''Of the Oke and the Reed'', Moral == Quotes about Ogilby == [[File:Thomas Hobbes (portrait).jpg|thumb|But why without annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby.<br />~ [[Thomas Hobbes]]]] [[File:Winstanley.jpg|thumb|John Ogilby was one who, from a late initiation into literature, made such a progress therein, as might well style him to be the prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned volumes, as well in verse as in prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his memory.<br />~ [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]]]] * He had such an excellent inventive and prudentiall witt, and master of so good addresse, that when he was undon he could not only shift handsomely (which is a great mastery), but he would make such rationall proposalls that would be embraced by rich and great men, that in a short time he could gaine a good estate again, and never failed in any thing he ever undertooke but allwayes went through with profits and honour. ** [[John Aubrey]], ''[[w:Brief Lives|Brief Lives]]'', ed. Andrew Clark, Vol. II (1898), p. 103 * Ogilby, the favourite of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]]'s schoolboy days, and the banker on whom he not unfrequently drew for rhymes while composing his own translation, though a faithful interpreter of the Greek, ranks as an epic poet below [[Sir Richard Blackmore]]. ** [[John Conington]], "The Poetry of Pope", in ''Oxford Essays'' (1855), p. 32 * John Ogilby, the well-known translator of Homer, was originally a dancing-master. He had apprenticed himself to that profession on finding himself reduced to depend upon his own resources, by the imprisonment of his father for debt in the King's Bench. Having succeeded in this pursuit, he was very soon able to release his father, which he did, very much to his credit, with the first money he procured. An accident, however, put an end to his dancing, and he was left again without any permanent means of subsistence. In these circumstances, the first thing he did was to open a small theatre in Dublin; but just when he had fairly established it, and had reason to hope that it would succeed, the rebellion of 1641 broke out, and not only swept away all his little property, but repeatedly put even his life in jeopardy. He at last found his way back to London, in a state of complete destitution: but, although he had never received any regular education, he had before this made a few attempts at verse-making, and in his extremity he bethought him of turning his talent in this way, which certainly was not great, to some account. He immediately commenced his studies, which he was enabled to pursue chiefly, it is said, through the liberal assistance of some members of the university of Cambridge; and although then considerably above forty years of age, he made such progress in Latin that he was soon considered in a condition to undertake a poetical translation of Virgil. This work was published in the year 1650. In a very few years a second edition of it was brought out with great pomp of typography and embellishments. Such was its success that the industrious and enterprising translator actually proceeded, although now in his fifty-fourth year, to commence the study of Greek, in order that he might match his version of the Æneid by others of the Iliad and the Odyssey. In due time both appeared; and Ogilby, who had in the meanwhile established himself a second time in Dublin in the management of a new theatre, was in the enjoyment of greater prosperity than ever, when, having unfortunately disposed of his Irish property, and returned to take up his residence in London, just before the great fire of 1666, he was left by that dreadful event once more entirely destitute. With unconquerable courage and perseverance, however, he set to work afresh with his translations and other literary enterprises; and was again so successful as to be eventually enabled to rebuild his house, which had been burned down, and to establish a printing-press; in the employment of which he took every opportunity of indulging that taste for splendid typography to which his first works had owed so much of their success. He was now also appointed cosmographer and geographic printer to Charles II.; and at last, at the age of seventy-six, terminated a life remarkable for its vicissitudes, and not uninstructive as an evidence both of the respectable proficiency in literature which may be acquired by those who begin their education late in life, and also of what may be done by a stout heart and indefatigable activity in repairing the worst injuries of fortune. Ogilby was no great poet, although his translations were very popular when they first appeared; but his Homer, we ought to mention, had the honour of being one of the first books that kindled the young imagination of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], who, however, in the preface to his own translation of the Iliad, describes the poetry of his predecessor and early favourite as "too mean for criticism." ** [[w:George Lillie Craik|George Lillie Craik]], ''The Pursuit of Knowledge Under Difficulties: Illustrated by Anecdotes'' (1830), Chapter IV, pp. 68–70. Quoted in ''The Monthly Review'' (September, 1829), Art. XII: "The Library of Entertaining Knowledge", pp. 143–144. Also in ''Biography of Self Taught Men'' (1832) by [[w:Bela Bates Edwards|Bela Bates Edwards]], pp. xlii–xliii. * It is a curious co-incidence of circumstances, that [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] was initiated in poetry at eight years of age by the perusal of Ogilby's Homer. A friend having presented [[James Beattie (poet)|Dr. Beattie]], in the latter part of his life, with a copy of Ogilby's Virgil, made him very happy, in thus recalling to his imagination all the ideas with which his favourite author had at first inspired him, even through the medium of a translation. ** [[w:Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet|Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet]], ''An Account of the Life and Writings of James Beattie'' (1806), footnote on p. 11 * But why without Annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby. ** [[Thomas Hobbes]], Preface to ''Homer's Odysses'' (1675) * <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Thomas Hobbes|Hobbes]]'s] poetry, as well as Ogilby's, is too mean for criticism. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]'' (1715) * Here swells the shelf with Ogilby the great. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad|The Dunciad, Variorum]]'' (1729), Book I, line 141, p. 82 * Ogilby's translation of Homer was one of the first large poems that ever [[Alexander Pope|Mr. Pope]] read; and he still spoke of the pleasure it then gave him with a sort of rapture, only on reflecting on it. ** [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]], ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820), pp. 46–47 [[File:Pope's Iliad.jpg|thumb|Below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation.<br />~ [[Gilbert Wakefield]]]] * [Alexander Pope] treads in the steps of Ogilby; below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation. ** [[Gilbert Wakefield]], ''The Iliad of Homer'', Vol. V (1796), footnote on p. 302 * John Ogilby was one, who from a late Initiation into Literature, made such a Progress therein, as might well stile him to be the Prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned Volumes, as well in Verse as in Prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his Memory. ** [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]], [https://archive.org/details/thelivesofthemos15461gut ''The Lives of the Most Famous English Poets''] (1687) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons|John Ogilby}} * [https://books.google.com/books?id=YTloAAAAcAAJ&printsec=frontcover ''The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro''] (London, 1650) – available at [[w:Google Books|Google Books]] * ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=2eVBAQAAMAAJ&printsec=frontcover The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro] Translated, Adorned with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations''; The Second Edition (London, 1668) – available at Google Books * ''[https://archive.org/details/fablesofaesopparogil The Fables of Æsop Paraphras'd in Verse]: Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1668) – available at the [[w:Internet Archive|Internet Archive]] * ''[https://books.google.pt/books?id=d9FT0CSiZMwC&printsec=frontcover Homer His Iliads] Translated, Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1669) – available at Google Books {{DEFAULTSORT:Ogilby, John}} [[Category:Translators from Scotland]] [[Category:Businesspeople from Scotland]] [[Category:1600 births]] [[Category:1676 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] s9n72upt21gbw5ub3grmm2k3do8oc8s 3944730 3944729 2026-05-24T05:06:32Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Ogilby */ 3944730 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Lely - Ogilby.jpg|thumb|Fortune assists the bold; the valiant man<br />Oft conqueror proves, because he thinks he can.]] '''[[w:John Ogilby|John Ogilby]]''' ([[17 November]] [[1600]] – [[4 September]] [[1676]]) was a Scottish [[translator]], [[w:impresario|impresario]] and [[w:cartographer|cartographer]]. == Quotes == ===''The Works of [[Virgil|Publius Virgilius Maro]]'' (2nd ed. 1654) === ==== Virgil's ''Bucolicks'' ==== ;Eclogue I [[File:Satellite image of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in April 2002.jpg|thumb|Britany, from all the world disjoined.]] * The hope of my poor Flock. * Great things to compare with Small. * Britany, from all the World disjoyn'd. ;Eclogue II * Sweet Youth, in Colour no such trust repose. * Thus every one pursue their own delights. ;Eclogue III [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866493).jpg|thumb|Ambushed in grass, a deadly serpent lies.]] * Now fields are green, and trees bear silver buds. * Ambush'd in grass, a deadly Serpent lyes. ;Eclogue IV [[File:Sweet Baby Kisses Family Love.jpg|thumb|Begin, sweet babe, with smiles thy mother know.]] * Begin, sweet Babe, with smiles thy Mother know. ;Eclogue V * O Divine Poet, me thy Verses please<br />More than soft slumber laid in quiet ease. ;Eclogue VII * Arcadians both, in youth both flourishing,<br />Both match'd to sing, to answer both prepar'd. ;Eclogue VIII * Now know I what [[Love]] is. * The Gods most pleasure in od numbers take. ;Eclogue IX * But them I'm not so foolish to believe. * Age all things wasts. * [[Singing]] let's go, the way shall better please. ;Eclogue X [[File:Triumphant Cupid among Emblems of Art and War (Thomas Willeboirts Bosschaert & Paul de Vos) - Nationalmuseum - 17413.tif|thumb|Love conquers all, let us submit to love.]] * Here sweet Meads, cool Fountains be,<br />Here Groves where I could spend my Age with thee. * Love Conquers all, let us submit to Love. ==== Virgil's ''Georgicks'' ==== ;Book I * Whence Men, a hard Race, sprung. * Pray for wet Summers, Winters wanting Rain. [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|Fierce toil through all things breaks.]] * Various Arts by study might be wrought<br />Up to their height. * Then Arts began; fierce [[toil|toyl]] through all things breaks,<br />And urgent Want strange Projects undertakes. * Each thing by Destiny<br />So hastens to grow worse, and backward goes;<br />As one against a stream his Vessel rowes,<br />Who if by chance his arm a little slack,<br />The Boat in the swift Chanel hurries back. * First the Gods adore. ;Book II <!--[[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]].]]--> * Bacchus loves the Sunny hills. * Such strength hath Custome in each tender Soul. [[File:Janua Vézelay.jpg|thumb|Happy is he that hidden causes knows.]] * I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]]. * Happy is he that hidden causes knowes. ;Book III * Yet I a way to raise my self have found,<br />Shall make my Name through all the World renown'd. * No stop, no stay. * The same [[Love]] works in all. [[File:Time Flies Metaphor Image.jpg|thumb|But time irreparable hastes away.]] * But [[time]] irreparable hasts away. ;Book IV * If I may great things compare with Small. * They say the [[Deity]]<br />Is mix'd through Earth, the Sea, and lofty Skie. * Nor is there place for Death. * Farewell, farewel, Night shades my Body o're,<br />Stretching my hands, t'embrace thee, thine no more. ==== Virgil's ''Æneis'' ==== ;Book I * Arms, and the Man I sing, who first did land,<br />Fate-forc'd from Troy, on the Lavinian Strand;<br />Whom angry Gods at Sea and Land engage,<br />And cruel Juno's persecuting Rage.<br />Much suffer'd he by War, whilst Walls he rear'd,<br />And Trojan Gods to Latian Realms transferr'd;<br />Whence Latins, and the Alban Princes come,<br />And lofty Tow'rs of all-commanding Rome. * Can in Celestial minds such Passion reign? * So great the Task to raise the Roman State! * Dear Friends, for we have many Dangers past,<br />And greater, God these too will end at last. [[File:Giovanni Battista Tiepolo - Venus Appearing to Aeneas on the Shores of Carthage - WGA22336.jpg|thumb|But who art thou? That voice, and beauteous face,<br />Not mortal is; thou art of heavenly race.]] * This Story may<br />Delightful be to tell another day. * Live, and with Hope such happy Dayes expect.<br />This said, although opprest with weighty Care,<br />He shews glad Looks, and hides his deep Despair. * Having drown'd her sparkling Eyes in tears. * How could my Son so highly thee incense<br />What was the wasted Trojans great offence? ** Compare [[John Dryden]]'s translation:<br />How could my pious son thy pow'r incense?<br />Or what, alas! is vanish'd Troy's offense? * But who art thou? that Voyce, and beauteous Face,<br />Not Mortal is; thou art of Heavenly Race. * She all the Goddesses excels. * If Men, and Mortal Powers you not regard,<br />Yet know, the Gods both Right and Wrong record. * Taught by my Woes, to succour the distrest. ;Book II [[File:Cheval de Troie d'après le Virgile du Vatican.jpg|thumb|Trojans beware, within some mischief lies;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing gifts I fear.]] [[File:Aeneas and his Father Fleeing Troy by Simon Vouet, San Diego Museum of Art.JPG|thumb|Dear father, get upon my shoulders straight,<br />Nor shall your burden be to me a weight.]] [[File:Batoni, Pompeo — Aeneas fleeing from Troy — 1750.jpg|thumb|Ascanius ... followed with no equal pace.]] * Trojans beware, within some Mischief lyes;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing Gifts I fear. * Fury our Judgement charms,<br />And we conceive it brave to dye in Arms. * Vanquisht men's safety is to hope for none. * In all parts cruel Grief, in all parts Fear,<br />And Death in various Shapes seen every where. * Ah! who may hope, when Heaven hath Help deni'd! * Th' Old Man a feeble Javelin threw,<br />Which could not pierce his sounding Target through,<br />But on the Margin hung the harmless Spear. * Arm, arm, bring Arms, the last day bids us go;<br />Dear Countreymen, let's once more charge the Foe;<br />Let us renew the Fight, on bravely fall,<br />We shall not perish unrevenged all. * Dear Father, get upon my shoulders streight,<br />Nor shall your Burthen be to me a Weight.<br />What ever chance, one common Danger we<br />Shall equal share, to both one safety be:<br />I shall [[w:Ascanius|Ascanius]] my Companion chuse;<br />My Wife must follow, but some distance use. * Ascanius did embrace<br />My hand, and follow'd with no equal pace. * Speechless I was, upright did stand my Hair. * Three times I strove to cling about her Neck,<br />Thrice her in vain my circling Arms entwin'd<br />She like a swift Dream flyes, or nimble Wind. * I the Mountain take,<br />Bearing my aged Father on my Back. ; Book III [[File:Wenceslas Hollar - Aeneas's farewell to Andromache (State 3).jpg|thumb|May you live happy, you whose woes are done.<br />Stern fates, to fates more cruel, us constrain.]] * What dares not impious man for cursed Gold! * A Prophetess inspir'd thou shalt behold<br />Down in a Cave, who long hath Fate foretold;<br />Which writ in Leaves, the Maid in order puts,<br />And to secure, in hollow Marble shuts.<br />They keep their Stations just as she design'd:<br />But the Door op'ning, with the smallest Wind,<br />The slender leaves do every way disperse. * Suffer thou with patience this delay. * Go, raise great Troy by prowess to the Skies. * May you live happy, you whose Woes are done.<br />Stern Fates, to Fates more cruel, us constrain. * On high Backs mounted of the swelling Flood,<br />At Heaven we tilt, then suddenly we fell,<br />Watry Foundations sinking low as Hell. * A horrid Monster, huge, deform'd, and blind. ;Book IV [[File:Énée et Didon, Guérin.jpg|thumb|I feel the sparks of my old flame revive.]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|Whilst a soul supports this mortal frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name.]] * Mean time the Queen wounded with deep desire,<br />Bleeds inward, and consumes in hidden Fire. * What strange Dreams disturb my rest? * Fear speaks degenerate minds. * Ah, by what Fates<br />Hath he been toss'd? what Battles he relates!<br />Were I not fix'd, did not my changeless Vow<br />All thoughts of second Marriage dis-allow,<br />Since my first Love by Death deceiv'd me...<br />I had perhaps with this one Crime comply'd. * I feel the Sparks of my old Flame revive. * But may the Earth first swallow me alive,<br />Or Jove's dire Thunder sink me down to Hell,<br />Where Shades, pale Shades, of Night eternal dwell,<br />E're I with Shame, and those dear Ties dispense:<br />He who my first Love had, hath born it hence,<br />And in his Grave for ever let it rest. * This, think'st thou Dust intomb'd, or Ghosts regard? * Stupendious Works unfinish'd lye. * The Queen neglected Fame for Love. * Fame far out-strips all Mischiefs in her course,<br />Which grows by Motion, gains, by flying, Force;<br />Kept under first by Fear, soon after shrouds,<br />Stalking or Earth, her Head amongst the Clouds. * He must hoyst Sail, and fly. * His active Soul a thousand waies divides,<br />And swift through all imaginations glides. * Who a Lover can deceive? * And could'st thou hope, perfidious, to deceive<br />Me thus? and secretly our Kingdom leave? * Fliest thou me?<br />Now by these Tears, by this Right hand I thee<br />(Who now unfortunate can boast no more)<br />By our late Vows, our Nuptial Rites implore;<br />If e're I did oblige, if ever please,<br />Take pitie on a falling House; And these<br />Designes, if Praier may yet find rome, lay by. * Whilst a Soul supports this mortal Frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name. === ''Homer His Iliads Translated'' (1660) === * Achilles Peleus Son's destructive Rage,<br />Great Goddess, sing, which did the Greeks engage<br />In many Woes, and mighty Hero's Ghosts<br />Sent down untimely to the Stygian Coasts:<br />Devouring Vultures on their Bodies prey'd,<br />And greedy Dogs, (so was Jove's Will obey'd;)<br />Because Great Agamemnon fell at odds<br />With stern Achilles, Off-spring of the Gods. ** Book I, opening lines [[File:Hektor wirft Paris seine Weichlichkeit vor (Tischbein).jpg|thumb|Him here he found preparing for the field<br />His bow, his breastplate, and his glittering shield.]] [[File:Peter Paul Rubens 142.jpg|thumb|With cruel tusks a savage boar employs,<br />Who all king Oeneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fibered roots,<br />Silvered with blossoms of delicious fruits.]] [[File:Juno Receiving the Cestus from Venus by Joshua Reynolds.jpg|thumb|Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid?]] <!--[[File:Rubens - Judgement of Paris.jpg|thumb|When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame.]]--> * Him here he found preparing for the field<br/>His bow, his breast-plate, and his glittering shield:<br/>Whilst beauteous Helen 'mongst her maids in state<br/>Their several works and tasks disposing sate. ** Book IV * Ah! much those ancient heroes were of old<br />As patterns of benignity extoll'd:<br />Whom, though their bosoms did with anger boil;<br />Rich gifts and softer words would reconcile. ** Book IX * With cruell tusks a savage boar imploys,<br />Who all king Œneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fiber'd roots,<br />Silver'd with blossoms of delicious fruits. ** Book IX * Come, let us arm with speed; and let us two<br />Try, what our forces may united do. ** Book XIII * Like a burnt stake, half stuck upon his shield;<br />The other half lay broken in the field. ** Book XIII * Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid? ** Book XIV * But Ajax now no longer thought it good<br />To keep his post, and stand where others stood. ** Book XV * Why com'st thou like a girl with blubber'd eyes,<br />Who running by her busie mother cries<br />To be ta'en up, and by her garments holds,<br />Till she the fondling in her arms infolds. ** Book XVI * Then let him swear he ne'er the lady knew,<br />And did with her as men with women do. ** Book XIX * Why prattle we like children at their play,<br />Spending thus idle breath, enough to freight<br />An able vessel of the primer rate?<br />Our [[tongues]] are voluble, and store of words<br />Invention on all arguments affords,<br />Scatter'd on fresh occasions here and there,<br />And what thou say'st thou shalt from others hear.<br />Let us no longer vainly thus contend,<br />Like fenceless women, railing to no end. ** Book XX * Who, dearest daughter! thus unkindly used,<br />And like a malefactor thee abused?<br />She sighing then replied; Juno thy wife,<br />Who still foments contention here and strife. ** Book XXI * When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame. ** Book XXIV; the [[w:Judgement of Paris|Judgement of Paris]]. === ''Homer His Odysses Translated'' (1665) === * That prudent Hero's wandering, Muse, rehearse,<br />Who (Troy b'ing sack'd) coasting the Universe,<br />Saw many Cities, and their various Modes;<br />Much suffering, tost by Storms on raging Floods,<br />His Friends conducting to their Native Coast:<br />But all in vain, for he his Navy lost,<br />And they their Lives, prophanely feasting on<br />Herds consecrated to the glorious Sun;<br />Who much incens'd obstructed so their way,<br />They ne'er return'd: Jove's Daughter this display. ** Book I, opening lines * Then in a chair, with a rich cushion grac'd<br />And a carv'd foot-stool, he Minerva plac'd.<br />There 'gainst a column sets her lance, where stood<br />Ulysses' javelins, planted like a wood. ** Book I. Compare [[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Pope's translation]]: **: The spear receiving from her hand, he plac'd<br />Against a column, fair with sculpture grac'd;<br />Where seemly rang'd in peaceful order stood<br />Ulysses' arms, now long disus'd to blood. [[File:Odysseus bei den Laestrygonen.jpg|thumb|Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoyed;<br />But all the rest the Laestrigons destroyed.]] * There had his flesh been rent, fractur'd his bones,<br />'Mongst rowling pebbles, and sharp pointed stones. ** Book V * At last a pleasant river's mouth he finds,<br />Free from rough clifts, safe from disturbing winds. ** Book V * Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoy'd;<br />But all the rest the Læstrigons destroy'd. ** Book X * These Heaven decrees, and ever-fixed Fate.<br />But say, blest prophet, and the truth relate;<br />I see my mother's shade, who not her son<br />Will speak to, nor so much as look upon:<br />Silent she sits by sacred blood: ah, how<br />May she, poor shadow! her dear offspring know? ** Book X === ''The Fables of [[Aesop]]'' (2nd ed. 1668) === [[File:The Lion and the Mouse - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Small help may bring great aid.]] [[File:Oudry wolf & lamb.JPG|thumb|They that have power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick quarrels, and, pretending justice, kill.]] <!--[[File:Wenceslas Hollar - The eagle and the beetle 2.jpg|thumb|Those that can help, to hurt may find a way.]]--> [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Wind - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Loud threatening make men stubborn...]] [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Sun - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|... but kind words<br />Pierce gentle breasts sooner than sharpest swords.]] * He is too blest that his own Happiness knows,<br />And Mortals to themselves are greatest Foes. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'' * He that loves Gold, starves more, the more he's fed. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'', Moral <!-- * Robber of Man, who now shall give thee [[aid|ayd]]? ** Fab. VI: ''The Battel of the Frog and Mouse'', line 136 --> * Great Expectations oft to nothing come. ** Fab. VIII: ''Of the Mountain in Labour'' * True Valour best is without Witness shown. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'' * Mercy makes Princes Gods. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * Small Help may bring great Aid. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * This cruel Prince that made his Will a Law. ** Fab. XII: ''Of the Frogs desiring a King'' * They that have Power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick Quarrels, and, pretending Justice, kill. ** Fab. XIV: ''Of the Wolf and the Lamb'' * Who Weapons put into a Mad-Man's Hands,<br />May be the first the Error understands. ** Fab. XXXVI: ''Of the Husband-man and the Wood'' * None can Protect themselves with their own Shade.<br />None for themselves are born. ** Fab. XLVII: ''Of the Rebellion of the Hands and Feet'' <!-- * People that under Tyrant Scepters live,<br />Should each to other kind Assistance give. ** Fab. XLVIII: ''Of the Horse and laden Ass'', Moral --> * No Beast is half so False as Man. ** Fab. XLIX: ''Of the Fox and the Cock'' * Fortune assists the Bold, the Valiant Man<br />Oft Conqueror proves, because he thinks he can. ** Fab. LII: ''Of the Forrester, the Skinner, and a Bear'', Moral * Thus at Home happy, oft fond Youth complain,<br />And Peace and Plenty with soft Beds disdain.<br />But when in Forrein War Death seals his Eys,<br />His Birth-place he remembers e'r he Dies. ** Fab. LIII: ''Of the Tortoise and the Frogs'', Moral * Rich Cloaths, nor Cost, nor Education can<br />Change Nature, nor transform and Ape into a Man. ** Fab. LV: ''Of an Ægyptian King and his Apes'' * Those that can Help, to Hurt may find a way. ** Fab. LVI: ''Of the Eagle and the Beetle'' * One good Art's better than a thousand bad. ** Fab. LVII: ''Of the Fox and the Cat'' * Lost Reputation hard is to be found. ** Fab. LXI: ''Of Cupid, Death, and Reputation'' * Of Pride in thy Prosperity beware,<br />Vicissitudes of Fortune Constant are. ** Fab. LXII: ''Of the Gourd, and the Pine'' * Loud Threatnings make men stubborn, but kind Words<br />Pierce gentle Breasts sooner than sharpest Swords. ** Fab. LXV: ''Of the Sun and Wind'', Moral * Though Strong, Resist not a too Potent Foe;<br />Madmen against a violent Torrent row.<br />Thou mayst hereafter serve the Common-weal;<br />Then yield till Time shall later Acts repeal. ** Fab. LXVII: ''Of the Oke and the Reed'', Moral == Quotes about Ogilby == [[File:Thomas Hobbes (portrait).jpg|thumb|But why without annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby.<br />~ [[Thomas Hobbes]]]] [[File:Winstanley.jpg|thumb|John Ogilby was one who, from a late initiation into literature, made such a progress therein, as might well style him to be the prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned volumes, as well in verse as in prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his memory.<br />~ [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]]]] * He had such an excellent inventive and prudentiall witt, and master of so good addresse, that when he was undon he could not only shift handsomely (which is a great mastery), but he would make such rationall proposalls that would be embraced by rich and great men, that in a short time he could gaine a good estate again, and never failed in any thing he ever undertooke but allwayes went through with profits and honour. ** [[John Aubrey]], ''[[w:Brief Lives|Brief Lives]]'', ed. Andrew Clark, Vol. II (1898), p. 103 * Ogilby, the favourite of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]]'s schoolboy days, and the banker on whom he not unfrequently drew for rhymes while composing his own translation, though a faithful interpreter of the Greek, ranks as an epic poet below [[Sir Richard Blackmore]]. ** [[John Conington]], "The Poetry of Pope", in ''Oxford Essays'' (1855), p. 32 * John Ogilby, the well-known translator of Homer, was originally a dancing-master. He had apprenticed himself to that profession on finding himself reduced to depend upon his own resources, by the imprisonment of his father for debt in the King's Bench. Having succeeded in this pursuit, he was very soon able to release his father, which he did, very much to his credit, with the first money he procured. An accident, however, put an end to his dancing, and he was left again without any permanent means of subsistence. In these circumstances, the first thing he did was to open a small theatre in Dublin; but just when he had fairly established it, and had reason to hope that it would succeed, the rebellion of 1641 broke out, and not only swept away all his little property, but repeatedly put even his life in jeopardy. He at last found his way back to London, in a state of complete destitution: but, although he had never received any regular education, he had before this made a few attempts at verse-making, and in his extremity he bethought him of turning his talent in this way, which certainly was not great, to some account. He immediately commenced his studies, which he was enabled to pursue chiefly, it is said, through the liberal assistance of some members of the university of Cambridge; and although then considerably above forty years of age, he made such progress in Latin that he was soon considered in a condition to undertake a poetical translation of Virgil. This work was published in the year 1650. In a very few years a second edition of it was brought out with great pomp of typography and embellishments. Such was its success that the industrious and enterprising translator actually proceeded, although now in his fifty-fourth year, to commence the study of Greek, in order that he might match his version of the Æneid by others of the Iliad and the Odyssey. In due time both appeared; and Ogilby, who had in the meanwhile established himself a second time in Dublin in the management of a new theatre, was in the enjoyment of greater prosperity than ever, when, having unfortunately disposed of his Irish property, and returned to take up his residence in London, just before the great fire of 1666, he was left by that dreadful event once more entirely destitute. With unconquerable courage and perseverance, however, he set to work afresh with his translations and other literary enterprises; and was again so successful as to be eventually enabled to rebuild his house, which had been burned down, and to establish a printing-press; in the employment of which he took every opportunity of indulging that taste for splendid typography to which his first works had owed so much of their success. He was now also appointed cosmographer and geographic printer to Charles II.; and at last, at the age of seventy-six, terminated a life remarkable for its vicissitudes, and not uninstructive as an evidence both of the respectable proficiency in literature which may be acquired by those who begin their education late in life, and also of what may be done by a stout heart and indefatigable activity in repairing the worst injuries of fortune. Ogilby was no great poet, although his translations were very popular when they first appeared; but his Homer, we ought to mention, had the honour of being one of the first books that kindled the young imagination of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], who, however, in the preface to his own translation of the Iliad, describes the poetry of his predecessor and early favourite as "too mean for criticism." ** [[w:George Lillie Craik|George Lillie Craik]], ''The Pursuit of Knowledge Under Difficulties: Illustrated by Anecdotes'' (1830), Chapter IV, pp. 68–70. Quoted in ''The Monthly Review'' (September, 1829), Art. XII: "The Library of Entertaining Knowledge", pp. 143–144. Also in ''Biography of Self Taught Men'' (1832) by [[w:Bela Bates Edwards|Bela Bates Edwards]], pp. xlii–xliii. * It is a curious co-incidence of circumstances, that [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] was initiated in poetry at eight years of age by the perusal of Ogilby's Homer. A friend having presented [[James Beattie (poet)|Dr. Beattie]], in the latter part of his life, with a copy of Ogilby's Virgil, made him very happy, in thus recalling to his imagination all the ideas with which his favourite author had at first inspired him, even through the medium of a translation. ** [[w:Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet|Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet]], ''An Account of the Life and Writings of James Beattie'' (1806), footnote on p. 11 * But why without Annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby. ** [[Thomas Hobbes]], Preface to ''Homer's Odysses'' (1675) [[File:Pope's Iliad.jpg|thumb|Below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation.<br />~ [[Gilbert Wakefield]]]] * <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Thomas Hobbes|Hobbes]]'s] poetry, as well as Ogilby's, is too mean for criticism. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]'' (1715) * Here swells the shelf with Ogilby the great. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad|The Dunciad, Variorum]]'' (1729), Book I, line 141, p. 82 * Ogilby's translation of Homer was one of the first large poems that ever [[Alexander Pope|Mr. Pope]] read; and he still spoke of the pleasure it then gave him with a sort of rapture, only on reflecting on it. ** [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]], ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820), pp. 46–47 * [Alexander Pope] treads in the steps of Ogilby; below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation. ** [[Gilbert Wakefield]], ''The Iliad of Homer'', Vol. V (1796), footnote on p. 302 * John Ogilby was one, who from a late Initiation into Literature, made such a Progress therein, as might well stile him to be the Prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned Volumes, as well in Verse as in Prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his Memory. ** [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]], [https://archive.org/details/thelivesofthemos15461gut ''The Lives of the Most Famous English Poets''] (1687) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons|John Ogilby}} * [https://books.google.com/books?id=YTloAAAAcAAJ&printsec=frontcover ''The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro''] (London, 1650) – available at [[w:Google Books|Google Books]] * ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=2eVBAQAAMAAJ&printsec=frontcover The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro] Translated, Adorned with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations''; The Second Edition (London, 1668) – available at Google Books * ''[https://archive.org/details/fablesofaesopparogil The Fables of Æsop Paraphras'd in Verse]: Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1668) – available at the [[w:Internet Archive|Internet Archive]] * ''[https://books.google.pt/books?id=d9FT0CSiZMwC&printsec=frontcover Homer His Iliads] Translated, Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1669) – available at Google Books {{DEFAULTSORT:Ogilby, John}} [[Category:Translators from Scotland]] [[Category:Businesspeople from Scotland]] [[Category:1600 births]] [[Category:1676 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] axgb28h5y5wgsbdfbwfa1w3ejcd50cr 3944731 3944730 2026-05-24T05:06:56Z DanielTom 608538 /* External links */ 3944731 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Lely - Ogilby.jpg|thumb|Fortune assists the bold; the valiant man<br />Oft conqueror proves, because he thinks he can.]] '''[[w:John Ogilby|John Ogilby]]''' ([[17 November]] [[1600]] – [[4 September]] [[1676]]) was a Scottish [[translator]], [[w:impresario|impresario]] and [[w:cartographer|cartographer]]. == Quotes == ===''The Works of [[Virgil|Publius Virgilius Maro]]'' (2nd ed. 1654) === ==== Virgil's ''Bucolicks'' ==== ;Eclogue I [[File:Satellite image of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in April 2002.jpg|thumb|Britany, from all the world disjoined.]] * The hope of my poor Flock. * Great things to compare with Small. * Britany, from all the World disjoyn'd. ;Eclogue II * Sweet Youth, in Colour no such trust repose. * Thus every one pursue their own delights. ;Eclogue III [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866493).jpg|thumb|Ambushed in grass, a deadly serpent lies.]] * Now fields are green, and trees bear silver buds. * Ambush'd in grass, a deadly Serpent lyes. ;Eclogue IV [[File:Sweet Baby Kisses Family Love.jpg|thumb|Begin, sweet babe, with smiles thy mother know.]] * Begin, sweet Babe, with smiles thy Mother know. ;Eclogue V * O Divine Poet, me thy Verses please<br />More than soft slumber laid in quiet ease. ;Eclogue VII * Arcadians both, in youth both flourishing,<br />Both match'd to sing, to answer both prepar'd. ;Eclogue VIII * Now know I what [[Love]] is. * The Gods most pleasure in od numbers take. ;Eclogue IX * But them I'm not so foolish to believe. * Age all things wasts. * [[Singing]] let's go, the way shall better please. ;Eclogue X [[File:Triumphant Cupid among Emblems of Art and War (Thomas Willeboirts Bosschaert & Paul de Vos) - Nationalmuseum - 17413.tif|thumb|Love conquers all, let us submit to love.]] * Here sweet Meads, cool Fountains be,<br />Here Groves where I could spend my Age with thee. * Love Conquers all, let us submit to Love. ==== Virgil's ''Georgicks'' ==== ;Book I * Whence Men, a hard Race, sprung. * Pray for wet Summers, Winters wanting Rain. [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|Fierce toil through all things breaks.]] * Various Arts by study might be wrought<br />Up to their height. * Then Arts began; fierce [[toil|toyl]] through all things breaks,<br />And urgent Want strange Projects undertakes. * Each thing by Destiny<br />So hastens to grow worse, and backward goes;<br />As one against a stream his Vessel rowes,<br />Who if by chance his arm a little slack,<br />The Boat in the swift Chanel hurries back. * First the Gods adore. ;Book II <!--[[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]].]]--> * Bacchus loves the Sunny hills. * Such strength hath Custome in each tender Soul. [[File:Janua Vézelay.jpg|thumb|Happy is he that hidden causes knows.]] * I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]]. * Happy is he that hidden causes knowes. ;Book III * Yet I a way to raise my self have found,<br />Shall make my Name through all the World renown'd. * No stop, no stay. * The same [[Love]] works in all. [[File:Time Flies Metaphor Image.jpg|thumb|But time irreparable hastes away.]] * But [[time]] irreparable hasts away. ;Book IV * If I may great things compare with Small. * They say the [[Deity]]<br />Is mix'd through Earth, the Sea, and lofty Skie. * Nor is there place for Death. * Farewell, farewel, Night shades my Body o're,<br />Stretching my hands, t'embrace thee, thine no more. ==== Virgil's ''Æneis'' ==== ;Book I * Arms, and the Man I sing, who first did land,<br />Fate-forc'd from Troy, on the Lavinian Strand;<br />Whom angry Gods at Sea and Land engage,<br />And cruel Juno's persecuting Rage.<br />Much suffer'd he by War, whilst Walls he rear'd,<br />And Trojan Gods to Latian Realms transferr'd;<br />Whence Latins, and the Alban Princes come,<br />And lofty Tow'rs of all-commanding Rome. * Can in Celestial minds such Passion reign? * So great the Task to raise the Roman State! * Dear Friends, for we have many Dangers past,<br />And greater, God these too will end at last. [[File:Giovanni Battista Tiepolo - Venus Appearing to Aeneas on the Shores of Carthage - WGA22336.jpg|thumb|But who art thou? That voice, and beauteous face,<br />Not mortal is; thou art of heavenly race.]] * This Story may<br />Delightful be to tell another day. * Live, and with Hope such happy Dayes expect.<br />This said, although opprest with weighty Care,<br />He shews glad Looks, and hides his deep Despair. * Having drown'd her sparkling Eyes in tears. * How could my Son so highly thee incense<br />What was the wasted Trojans great offence? ** Compare [[John Dryden]]'s translation:<br />How could my pious son thy pow'r incense?<br />Or what, alas! is vanish'd Troy's offense? * But who art thou? that Voyce, and beauteous Face,<br />Not Mortal is; thou art of Heavenly Race. * She all the Goddesses excels. * If Men, and Mortal Powers you not regard,<br />Yet know, the Gods both Right and Wrong record. * Taught by my Woes, to succour the distrest. ;Book II [[File:Cheval de Troie d'après le Virgile du Vatican.jpg|thumb|Trojans beware, within some mischief lies;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing gifts I fear.]] [[File:Aeneas and his Father Fleeing Troy by Simon Vouet, San Diego Museum of Art.JPG|thumb|Dear father, get upon my shoulders straight,<br />Nor shall your burden be to me a weight.]] [[File:Batoni, Pompeo — Aeneas fleeing from Troy — 1750.jpg|thumb|Ascanius ... followed with no equal pace.]] * Trojans beware, within some Mischief lyes;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing Gifts I fear. * Fury our Judgement charms,<br />And we conceive it brave to dye in Arms. * Vanquisht men's safety is to hope for none. * In all parts cruel Grief, in all parts Fear,<br />And Death in various Shapes seen every where. * Ah! who may hope, when Heaven hath Help deni'd! * Th' Old Man a feeble Javelin threw,<br />Which could not pierce his sounding Target through,<br />But on the Margin hung the harmless Spear. * Arm, arm, bring Arms, the last day bids us go;<br />Dear Countreymen, let's once more charge the Foe;<br />Let us renew the Fight, on bravely fall,<br />We shall not perish unrevenged all. * Dear Father, get upon my shoulders streight,<br />Nor shall your Burthen be to me a Weight.<br />What ever chance, one common Danger we<br />Shall equal share, to both one safety be:<br />I shall [[w:Ascanius|Ascanius]] my Companion chuse;<br />My Wife must follow, but some distance use. * Ascanius did embrace<br />My hand, and follow'd with no equal pace. * Speechless I was, upright did stand my Hair. * Three times I strove to cling about her Neck,<br />Thrice her in vain my circling Arms entwin'd<br />She like a swift Dream flyes, or nimble Wind. * I the Mountain take,<br />Bearing my aged Father on my Back. ; Book III [[File:Wenceslas Hollar - Aeneas's farewell to Andromache (State 3).jpg|thumb|May you live happy, you whose woes are done.<br />Stern fates, to fates more cruel, us constrain.]] * What dares not impious man for cursed Gold! * A Prophetess inspir'd thou shalt behold<br />Down in a Cave, who long hath Fate foretold;<br />Which writ in Leaves, the Maid in order puts,<br />And to secure, in hollow Marble shuts.<br />They keep their Stations just as she design'd:<br />But the Door op'ning, with the smallest Wind,<br />The slender leaves do every way disperse. * Suffer thou with patience this delay. * Go, raise great Troy by prowess to the Skies. * May you live happy, you whose Woes are done.<br />Stern Fates, to Fates more cruel, us constrain. * On high Backs mounted of the swelling Flood,<br />At Heaven we tilt, then suddenly we fell,<br />Watry Foundations sinking low as Hell. * A horrid Monster, huge, deform'd, and blind. ;Book IV [[File:Énée et Didon, Guérin.jpg|thumb|I feel the sparks of my old flame revive.]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|Whilst a soul supports this mortal frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name.]] * Mean time the Queen wounded with deep desire,<br />Bleeds inward, and consumes in hidden Fire. * What strange Dreams disturb my rest? * Fear speaks degenerate minds. * Ah, by what Fates<br />Hath he been toss'd? what Battles he relates!<br />Were I not fix'd, did not my changeless Vow<br />All thoughts of second Marriage dis-allow,<br />Since my first Love by Death deceiv'd me...<br />I had perhaps with this one Crime comply'd. * I feel the Sparks of my old Flame revive. * But may the Earth first swallow me alive,<br />Or Jove's dire Thunder sink me down to Hell,<br />Where Shades, pale Shades, of Night eternal dwell,<br />E're I with Shame, and those dear Ties dispense:<br />He who my first Love had, hath born it hence,<br />And in his Grave for ever let it rest. * This, think'st thou Dust intomb'd, or Ghosts regard? * Stupendious Works unfinish'd lye. * The Queen neglected Fame for Love. * Fame far out-strips all Mischiefs in her course,<br />Which grows by Motion, gains, by flying, Force;<br />Kept under first by Fear, soon after shrouds,<br />Stalking or Earth, her Head amongst the Clouds. * He must hoyst Sail, and fly. * His active Soul a thousand waies divides,<br />And swift through all imaginations glides. * Who a Lover can deceive? * And could'st thou hope, perfidious, to deceive<br />Me thus? and secretly our Kingdom leave? * Fliest thou me?<br />Now by these Tears, by this Right hand I thee<br />(Who now unfortunate can boast no more)<br />By our late Vows, our Nuptial Rites implore;<br />If e're I did oblige, if ever please,<br />Take pitie on a falling House; And these<br />Designes, if Praier may yet find rome, lay by. * Whilst a Soul supports this mortal Frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name. === ''Homer His Iliads Translated'' (1660) === * Achilles Peleus Son's destructive Rage,<br />Great Goddess, sing, which did the Greeks engage<br />In many Woes, and mighty Hero's Ghosts<br />Sent down untimely to the Stygian Coasts:<br />Devouring Vultures on their Bodies prey'd,<br />And greedy Dogs, (so was Jove's Will obey'd;)<br />Because Great Agamemnon fell at odds<br />With stern Achilles, Off-spring of the Gods. ** Book I, opening lines [[File:Hektor wirft Paris seine Weichlichkeit vor (Tischbein).jpg|thumb|Him here he found preparing for the field<br />His bow, his breastplate, and his glittering shield.]] [[File:Peter Paul Rubens 142.jpg|thumb|With cruel tusks a savage boar employs,<br />Who all king Oeneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fibered roots,<br />Silvered with blossoms of delicious fruits.]] [[File:Juno Receiving the Cestus from Venus by Joshua Reynolds.jpg|thumb|Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid?]] <!--[[File:Rubens - Judgement of Paris.jpg|thumb|When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame.]]--> * Him here he found preparing for the field<br/>His bow, his breast-plate, and his glittering shield:<br/>Whilst beauteous Helen 'mongst her maids in state<br/>Their several works and tasks disposing sate. ** Book IV * Ah! much those ancient heroes were of old<br />As patterns of benignity extoll'd:<br />Whom, though their bosoms did with anger boil;<br />Rich gifts and softer words would reconcile. ** Book IX * With cruell tusks a savage boar imploys,<br />Who all king Œneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fiber'd roots,<br />Silver'd with blossoms of delicious fruits. ** Book IX * Come, let us arm with speed; and let us two<br />Try, what our forces may united do. ** Book XIII * Like a burnt stake, half stuck upon his shield;<br />The other half lay broken in the field. ** Book XIII * Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid? ** Book XIV * But Ajax now no longer thought it good<br />To keep his post, and stand where others stood. ** Book XV * Why com'st thou like a girl with blubber'd eyes,<br />Who running by her busie mother cries<br />To be ta'en up, and by her garments holds,<br />Till she the fondling in her arms infolds. ** Book XVI * Then let him swear he ne'er the lady knew,<br />And did with her as men with women do. ** Book XIX * Why prattle we like children at their play,<br />Spending thus idle breath, enough to freight<br />An able vessel of the primer rate?<br />Our [[tongues]] are voluble, and store of words<br />Invention on all arguments affords,<br />Scatter'd on fresh occasions here and there,<br />And what thou say'st thou shalt from others hear.<br />Let us no longer vainly thus contend,<br />Like fenceless women, railing to no end. ** Book XX * Who, dearest daughter! thus unkindly used,<br />And like a malefactor thee abused?<br />She sighing then replied; Juno thy wife,<br />Who still foments contention here and strife. ** Book XXI * When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame. ** Book XXIV; the [[w:Judgement of Paris|Judgement of Paris]]. === ''Homer His Odysses Translated'' (1665) === * That prudent Hero's wandering, Muse, rehearse,<br />Who (Troy b'ing sack'd) coasting the Universe,<br />Saw many Cities, and their various Modes;<br />Much suffering, tost by Storms on raging Floods,<br />His Friends conducting to their Native Coast:<br />But all in vain, for he his Navy lost,<br />And they their Lives, prophanely feasting on<br />Herds consecrated to the glorious Sun;<br />Who much incens'd obstructed so their way,<br />They ne'er return'd: Jove's Daughter this display. ** Book I, opening lines * Then in a chair, with a rich cushion grac'd<br />And a carv'd foot-stool, he Minerva plac'd.<br />There 'gainst a column sets her lance, where stood<br />Ulysses' javelins, planted like a wood. ** Book I. Compare [[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Pope's translation]]: **: The spear receiving from her hand, he plac'd<br />Against a column, fair with sculpture grac'd;<br />Where seemly rang'd in peaceful order stood<br />Ulysses' arms, now long disus'd to blood. [[File:Odysseus bei den Laestrygonen.jpg|thumb|Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoyed;<br />But all the rest the Laestrigons destroyed.]] * There had his flesh been rent, fractur'd his bones,<br />'Mongst rowling pebbles, and sharp pointed stones. ** Book V * At last a pleasant river's mouth he finds,<br />Free from rough clifts, safe from disturbing winds. ** Book V * Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoy'd;<br />But all the rest the Læstrigons destroy'd. ** Book X * These Heaven decrees, and ever-fixed Fate.<br />But say, blest prophet, and the truth relate;<br />I see my mother's shade, who not her son<br />Will speak to, nor so much as look upon:<br />Silent she sits by sacred blood: ah, how<br />May she, poor shadow! her dear offspring know? ** Book X === ''The Fables of [[Aesop]]'' (2nd ed. 1668) === [[File:The Lion and the Mouse - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Small help may bring great aid.]] [[File:Oudry wolf & lamb.JPG|thumb|They that have power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick quarrels, and, pretending justice, kill.]] <!--[[File:Wenceslas Hollar - The eagle and the beetle 2.jpg|thumb|Those that can help, to hurt may find a way.]]--> [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Wind - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Loud threatening make men stubborn...]] [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Sun - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|... but kind words<br />Pierce gentle breasts sooner than sharpest swords.]] * He is too blest that his own Happiness knows,<br />And Mortals to themselves are greatest Foes. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'' * He that loves Gold, starves more, the more he's fed. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'', Moral <!-- * Robber of Man, who now shall give thee [[aid|ayd]]? ** Fab. VI: ''The Battel of the Frog and Mouse'', line 136 --> * Great Expectations oft to nothing come. ** Fab. VIII: ''Of the Mountain in Labour'' * True Valour best is without Witness shown. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'' * Mercy makes Princes Gods. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * Small Help may bring great Aid. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * This cruel Prince that made his Will a Law. ** Fab. XII: ''Of the Frogs desiring a King'' * They that have Power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick Quarrels, and, pretending Justice, kill. ** Fab. XIV: ''Of the Wolf and the Lamb'' * Who Weapons put into a Mad-Man's Hands,<br />May be the first the Error understands. ** Fab. XXXVI: ''Of the Husband-man and the Wood'' * None can Protect themselves with their own Shade.<br />None for themselves are born. ** Fab. XLVII: ''Of the Rebellion of the Hands and Feet'' <!-- * People that under Tyrant Scepters live,<br />Should each to other kind Assistance give. ** Fab. XLVIII: ''Of the Horse and laden Ass'', Moral --> * No Beast is half so False as Man. ** Fab. XLIX: ''Of the Fox and the Cock'' * Fortune assists the Bold, the Valiant Man<br />Oft Conqueror proves, because he thinks he can. ** Fab. LII: ''Of the Forrester, the Skinner, and a Bear'', Moral * Thus at Home happy, oft fond Youth complain,<br />And Peace and Plenty with soft Beds disdain.<br />But when in Forrein War Death seals his Eys,<br />His Birth-place he remembers e'r he Dies. ** Fab. LIII: ''Of the Tortoise and the Frogs'', Moral * Rich Cloaths, nor Cost, nor Education can<br />Change Nature, nor transform and Ape into a Man. ** Fab. LV: ''Of an Ægyptian King and his Apes'' * Those that can Help, to Hurt may find a way. ** Fab. LVI: ''Of the Eagle and the Beetle'' * One good Art's better than a thousand bad. ** Fab. LVII: ''Of the Fox and the Cat'' * Lost Reputation hard is to be found. ** Fab. LXI: ''Of Cupid, Death, and Reputation'' * Of Pride in thy Prosperity beware,<br />Vicissitudes of Fortune Constant are. ** Fab. LXII: ''Of the Gourd, and the Pine'' * Loud Threatnings make men stubborn, but kind Words<br />Pierce gentle Breasts sooner than sharpest Swords. ** Fab. LXV: ''Of the Sun and Wind'', Moral * Though Strong, Resist not a too Potent Foe;<br />Madmen against a violent Torrent row.<br />Thou mayst hereafter serve the Common-weal;<br />Then yield till Time shall later Acts repeal. ** Fab. LXVII: ''Of the Oke and the Reed'', Moral == Quotes about Ogilby == [[File:Thomas Hobbes (portrait).jpg|thumb|But why without annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby.<br />~ [[Thomas Hobbes]]]] [[File:Winstanley.jpg|thumb|John Ogilby was one who, from a late initiation into literature, made such a progress therein, as might well style him to be the prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned volumes, as well in verse as in prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his memory.<br />~ [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]]]] * He had such an excellent inventive and prudentiall witt, and master of so good addresse, that when he was undon he could not only shift handsomely (which is a great mastery), but he would make such rationall proposalls that would be embraced by rich and great men, that in a short time he could gaine a good estate again, and never failed in any thing he ever undertooke but allwayes went through with profits and honour. ** [[John Aubrey]], ''[[w:Brief Lives|Brief Lives]]'', ed. Andrew Clark, Vol. II (1898), p. 103 * Ogilby, the favourite of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]]'s schoolboy days, and the banker on whom he not unfrequently drew for rhymes while composing his own translation, though a faithful interpreter of the Greek, ranks as an epic poet below [[Sir Richard Blackmore]]. ** [[John Conington]], "The Poetry of Pope", in ''Oxford Essays'' (1855), p. 32 * John Ogilby, the well-known translator of Homer, was originally a dancing-master. He had apprenticed himself to that profession on finding himself reduced to depend upon his own resources, by the imprisonment of his father for debt in the King's Bench. Having succeeded in this pursuit, he was very soon able to release his father, which he did, very much to his credit, with the first money he procured. An accident, however, put an end to his dancing, and he was left again without any permanent means of subsistence. In these circumstances, the first thing he did was to open a small theatre in Dublin; but just when he had fairly established it, and had reason to hope that it would succeed, the rebellion of 1641 broke out, and not only swept away all his little property, but repeatedly put even his life in jeopardy. He at last found his way back to London, in a state of complete destitution: but, although he had never received any regular education, he had before this made a few attempts at verse-making, and in his extremity he bethought him of turning his talent in this way, which certainly was not great, to some account. He immediately commenced his studies, which he was enabled to pursue chiefly, it is said, through the liberal assistance of some members of the university of Cambridge; and although then considerably above forty years of age, he made such progress in Latin that he was soon considered in a condition to undertake a poetical translation of Virgil. This work was published in the year 1650. In a very few years a second edition of it was brought out with great pomp of typography and embellishments. Such was its success that the industrious and enterprising translator actually proceeded, although now in his fifty-fourth year, to commence the study of Greek, in order that he might match his version of the Æneid by others of the Iliad and the Odyssey. In due time both appeared; and Ogilby, who had in the meanwhile established himself a second time in Dublin in the management of a new theatre, was in the enjoyment of greater prosperity than ever, when, having unfortunately disposed of his Irish property, and returned to take up his residence in London, just before the great fire of 1666, he was left by that dreadful event once more entirely destitute. With unconquerable courage and perseverance, however, he set to work afresh with his translations and other literary enterprises; and was again so successful as to be eventually enabled to rebuild his house, which had been burned down, and to establish a printing-press; in the employment of which he took every opportunity of indulging that taste for splendid typography to which his first works had owed so much of their success. He was now also appointed cosmographer and geographic printer to Charles II.; and at last, at the age of seventy-six, terminated a life remarkable for its vicissitudes, and not uninstructive as an evidence both of the respectable proficiency in literature which may be acquired by those who begin their education late in life, and also of what may be done by a stout heart and indefatigable activity in repairing the worst injuries of fortune. Ogilby was no great poet, although his translations were very popular when they first appeared; but his Homer, we ought to mention, had the honour of being one of the first books that kindled the young imagination of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], who, however, in the preface to his own translation of the Iliad, describes the poetry of his predecessor and early favourite as "too mean for criticism." ** [[w:George Lillie Craik|George Lillie Craik]], ''The Pursuit of Knowledge Under Difficulties: Illustrated by Anecdotes'' (1830), Chapter IV, pp. 68–70. Quoted in ''The Monthly Review'' (September, 1829), Art. XII: "The Library of Entertaining Knowledge", pp. 143–144. Also in ''Biography of Self Taught Men'' (1832) by [[w:Bela Bates Edwards|Bela Bates Edwards]], pp. xlii–xliii. * It is a curious co-incidence of circumstances, that [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] was initiated in poetry at eight years of age by the perusal of Ogilby's Homer. A friend having presented [[James Beattie (poet)|Dr. Beattie]], in the latter part of his life, with a copy of Ogilby's Virgil, made him very happy, in thus recalling to his imagination all the ideas with which his favourite author had at first inspired him, even through the medium of a translation. ** [[w:Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet|Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet]], ''An Account of the Life and Writings of James Beattie'' (1806), footnote on p. 11 * But why without Annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby. ** [[Thomas Hobbes]], Preface to ''Homer's Odysses'' (1675) [[File:Pope's Iliad.jpg|thumb|Below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation.<br />~ [[Gilbert Wakefield]]]] * <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Thomas Hobbes|Hobbes]]'s] poetry, as well as Ogilby's, is too mean for criticism. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]'' (1715) * Here swells the shelf with Ogilby the great. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad|The Dunciad, Variorum]]'' (1729), Book I, line 141, p. 82 * Ogilby's translation of Homer was one of the first large poems that ever [[Alexander Pope|Mr. Pope]] read; and he still spoke of the pleasure it then gave him with a sort of rapture, only on reflecting on it. ** [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]], ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820), pp. 46–47 * [Alexander Pope] treads in the steps of Ogilby; below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation. ** [[Gilbert Wakefield]], ''The Iliad of Homer'', Vol. V (1796), footnote on p. 302 * John Ogilby was one, who from a late Initiation into Literature, made such a Progress therein, as might well stile him to be the Prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned Volumes, as well in Verse as in Prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his Memory. ** [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]], [https://archive.org/details/thelivesofthemos15461gut ''The Lives of the Most Famous English Poets''] (1687) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} * {{Commons-inline|John Ogilby}} * [https://books.google.com/books?id=YTloAAAAcAAJ&printsec=frontcover ''The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro''] (London, 1650) – available at [[w:Google Books|Google Books]] * ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=2eVBAQAAMAAJ&printsec=frontcover The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro] Translated, Adorned with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations''; The Second Edition (London, 1668) – available at Google Books * ''[https://archive.org/details/fablesofaesopparogil The Fables of Æsop Paraphras'd in Verse]: Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1668) – available at the [[w:Internet Archive|Internet Archive]] * ''[https://books.google.pt/books?id=d9FT0CSiZMwC&printsec=frontcover Homer His Iliads] Translated, Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1669) – available at Google Books {{DEFAULTSORT:Ogilby, John}} [[Category:Translators from Scotland]] [[Category:Businesspeople from Scotland]] [[Category:1600 births]] [[Category:1676 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] shb7m1cqo34ch9z7iuiym6rfejuzcof 3944735 3944731 2026-05-24T05:16:51Z DanielTom 608538 /* Quotes about Ogilby */ 3944735 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Lely - Ogilby.jpg|thumb|Fortune assists the bold; the valiant man<br />Oft conqueror proves, because he thinks he can.]] '''[[w:John Ogilby|John Ogilby]]''' ([[17 November]] [[1600]] – [[4 September]] [[1676]]) was a Scottish [[translator]], [[w:impresario|impresario]] and [[w:cartographer|cartographer]]. == Quotes == ===''The Works of [[Virgil|Publius Virgilius Maro]]'' (2nd ed. 1654) === ==== Virgil's ''Bucolicks'' ==== ;Eclogue I [[File:Satellite image of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in April 2002.jpg|thumb|Britany, from all the world disjoined.]] * The hope of my poor Flock. * Great things to compare with Small. * Britany, from all the World disjoyn'd. ;Eclogue II * Sweet Youth, in Colour no such trust repose. * Thus every one pursue their own delights. ;Eclogue III [[File:Grass Snake (Natrix natrix) (7159866493).jpg|thumb|Ambushed in grass, a deadly serpent lies.]] * Now fields are green, and trees bear silver buds. * Ambush'd in grass, a deadly Serpent lyes. ;Eclogue IV [[File:Sweet Baby Kisses Family Love.jpg|thumb|Begin, sweet babe, with smiles thy mother know.]] * Begin, sweet Babe, with smiles thy Mother know. ;Eclogue V * O Divine Poet, me thy Verses please<br />More than soft slumber laid in quiet ease. ;Eclogue VII * Arcadians both, in youth both flourishing,<br />Both match'd to sing, to answer both prepar'd. ;Eclogue VIII * Now know I what [[Love]] is. * The Gods most pleasure in od numbers take. ;Eclogue IX * But them I'm not so foolish to believe. * Age all things wasts. * [[Singing]] let's go, the way shall better please. ;Eclogue X [[File:Triumphant Cupid among Emblems of Art and War (Thomas Willeboirts Bosschaert & Paul de Vos) - Nationalmuseum - 17413.tif|thumb|Love conquers all, let us submit to love.]] * Here sweet Meads, cool Fountains be,<br />Here Groves where I could spend my Age with thee. * Love Conquers all, let us submit to Love. ==== Virgil's ''Georgicks'' ==== ;Book I * Whence Men, a hard Race, sprung. * Pray for wet Summers, Winters wanting Rain. [[File:Przygotowanie narzędzi rolniczych.jpg|thumb|Fierce toil through all things breaks.]] * Various Arts by study might be wrought<br />Up to their height. * Then Arts began; fierce [[toil|toyl]] through all things breaks,<br />And urgent Want strange Projects undertakes. * Each thing by Destiny<br />So hastens to grow worse, and backward goes;<br />As one against a stream his Vessel rowes,<br />Who if by chance his arm a little slack,<br />The Boat in the swift Chanel hurries back. * First the Gods adore. ;Book II <!--[[File:Virgil .jpg|thumb|I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]].]]--> * Bacchus loves the Sunny hills. * Such strength hath Custome in each tender Soul. [[File:Janua Vézelay.jpg|thumb|Happy is he that hidden causes knows.]] * I'le [[delight]] in Vales, near [[pleasant]] Floods,<br />And unrenown'd, haunt [[Rivers]], [[Hills]] and [[Woods]]. * Happy is he that hidden causes knowes. ;Book III * Yet I a way to raise my self have found,<br />Shall make my Name through all the World renown'd. * No stop, no stay. * The same [[Love]] works in all. [[File:Time Flies Metaphor Image.jpg|thumb|But time irreparable hastes away.]] * But [[time]] irreparable hasts away. ;Book IV * If I may great things compare with Small. * They say the [[Deity]]<br />Is mix'd through Earth, the Sea, and lofty Skie. * Nor is there place for Death. * Farewell, farewel, Night shades my Body o're,<br />Stretching my hands, t'embrace thee, thine no more. ==== Virgil's ''Æneis'' ==== ;Book I * Arms, and the Man I sing, who first did land,<br />Fate-forc'd from Troy, on the Lavinian Strand;<br />Whom angry Gods at Sea and Land engage,<br />And cruel Juno's persecuting Rage.<br />Much suffer'd he by War, whilst Walls he rear'd,<br />And Trojan Gods to Latian Realms transferr'd;<br />Whence Latins, and the Alban Princes come,<br />And lofty Tow'rs of all-commanding Rome. * Can in Celestial minds such Passion reign? * So great the Task to raise the Roman State! * Dear Friends, for we have many Dangers past,<br />And greater, God these too will end at last. [[File:Giovanni Battista Tiepolo - Venus Appearing to Aeneas on the Shores of Carthage - WGA22336.jpg|thumb|But who art thou? That voice, and beauteous face,<br />Not mortal is; thou art of heavenly race.]] * This Story may<br />Delightful be to tell another day. * Live, and with Hope such happy Dayes expect.<br />This said, although opprest with weighty Care,<br />He shews glad Looks, and hides his deep Despair. * Having drown'd her sparkling Eyes in tears. * How could my Son so highly thee incense<br />What was the wasted Trojans great offence? ** Compare [[John Dryden]]'s translation:<br />How could my pious son thy pow'r incense?<br />Or what, alas! is vanish'd Troy's offense? * But who art thou? that Voyce, and beauteous Face,<br />Not Mortal is; thou art of Heavenly Race. * She all the Goddesses excels. * If Men, and Mortal Powers you not regard,<br />Yet know, the Gods both Right and Wrong record. * Taught by my Woes, to succour the distrest. ;Book II [[File:Cheval de Troie d'après le Virgile du Vatican.jpg|thumb|Trojans beware, within some mischief lies;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing gifts I fear.]] [[File:Aeneas and his Father Fleeing Troy by Simon Vouet, San Diego Museum of Art.JPG|thumb|Dear father, get upon my shoulders straight,<br />Nor shall your burden be to me a weight.]] [[File:Batoni, Pompeo — Aeneas fleeing from Troy — 1750.jpg|thumb|Ascanius ... followed with no equal pace.]] * Trojans beware, within some Mischief lyes;<br />Be what it will, Greeks bringing Gifts I fear. * Fury our Judgement charms,<br />And we conceive it brave to dye in Arms. * Vanquisht men's safety is to hope for none. * In all parts cruel Grief, in all parts Fear,<br />And Death in various Shapes seen every where. * Ah! who may hope, when Heaven hath Help deni'd! * Th' Old Man a feeble Javelin threw,<br />Which could not pierce his sounding Target through,<br />But on the Margin hung the harmless Spear. * Arm, arm, bring Arms, the last day bids us go;<br />Dear Countreymen, let's once more charge the Foe;<br />Let us renew the Fight, on bravely fall,<br />We shall not perish unrevenged all. * Dear Father, get upon my shoulders streight,<br />Nor shall your Burthen be to me a Weight.<br />What ever chance, one common Danger we<br />Shall equal share, to both one safety be:<br />I shall [[w:Ascanius|Ascanius]] my Companion chuse;<br />My Wife must follow, but some distance use. * Ascanius did embrace<br />My hand, and follow'd with no equal pace. * Speechless I was, upright did stand my Hair. * Three times I strove to cling about her Neck,<br />Thrice her in vain my circling Arms entwin'd<br />She like a swift Dream flyes, or nimble Wind. * I the Mountain take,<br />Bearing my aged Father on my Back. ; Book III [[File:Wenceslas Hollar - Aeneas's farewell to Andromache (State 3).jpg|thumb|May you live happy, you whose woes are done.<br />Stern fates, to fates more cruel, us constrain.]] * What dares not impious man for cursed Gold! * A Prophetess inspir'd thou shalt behold<br />Down in a Cave, who long hath Fate foretold;<br />Which writ in Leaves, the Maid in order puts,<br />And to secure, in hollow Marble shuts.<br />They keep their Stations just as she design'd:<br />But the Door op'ning, with the smallest Wind,<br />The slender leaves do every way disperse. * Suffer thou with patience this delay. * Go, raise great Troy by prowess to the Skies. * May you live happy, you whose Woes are done.<br />Stern Fates, to Fates more cruel, us constrain. * On high Backs mounted of the swelling Flood,<br />At Heaven we tilt, then suddenly we fell,<br />Watry Foundations sinking low as Hell. * A horrid Monster, huge, deform'd, and blind. ;Book IV [[File:Énée et Didon, Guérin.jpg|thumb|I feel the sparks of my old flame revive.]] [[File:Claude Lorrain - Aeneas's Farewell to Dido in Carthago - WGA05017.jpg|thumb|Whilst a soul supports this mortal frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name.]] * Mean time the Queen wounded with deep desire,<br />Bleeds inward, and consumes in hidden Fire. * What strange Dreams disturb my rest? * Fear speaks degenerate minds. * Ah, by what Fates<br />Hath he been toss'd? what Battles he relates!<br />Were I not fix'd, did not my changeless Vow<br />All thoughts of second Marriage dis-allow,<br />Since my first Love by Death deceiv'd me...<br />I had perhaps with this one Crime comply'd. * I feel the Sparks of my old Flame revive. * But may the Earth first swallow me alive,<br />Or Jove's dire Thunder sink me down to Hell,<br />Where Shades, pale Shades, of Night eternal dwell,<br />E're I with Shame, and those dear Ties dispense:<br />He who my first Love had, hath born it hence,<br />And in his Grave for ever let it rest. * This, think'st thou Dust intomb'd, or Ghosts regard? * Stupendious Works unfinish'd lye. * The Queen neglected Fame for Love. * Fame far out-strips all Mischiefs in her course,<br />Which grows by Motion, gains, by flying, Force;<br />Kept under first by Fear, soon after shrouds,<br />Stalking or Earth, her Head amongst the Clouds. * He must hoyst Sail, and fly. * His active Soul a thousand waies divides,<br />And swift through all imaginations glides. * Who a Lover can deceive? * And could'st thou hope, perfidious, to deceive<br />Me thus? and secretly our Kingdom leave? * Fliest thou me?<br />Now by these Tears, by this Right hand I thee<br />(Who now unfortunate can boast no more)<br />By our late Vows, our Nuptial Rites implore;<br />If e're I did oblige, if ever please,<br />Take pitie on a falling House; And these<br />Designes, if Praier may yet find rome, lay by. * Whilst a Soul supports this mortal Frame,<br />I never shall forget Eliza's name. === ''Homer His Iliads Translated'' (1660) === * Achilles Peleus Son's destructive Rage,<br />Great Goddess, sing, which did the Greeks engage<br />In many Woes, and mighty Hero's Ghosts<br />Sent down untimely to the Stygian Coasts:<br />Devouring Vultures on their Bodies prey'd,<br />And greedy Dogs, (so was Jove's Will obey'd;)<br />Because Great Agamemnon fell at odds<br />With stern Achilles, Off-spring of the Gods. ** Book I, opening lines [[File:Hektor wirft Paris seine Weichlichkeit vor (Tischbein).jpg|thumb|Him here he found preparing for the field<br />His bow, his breastplate, and his glittering shield.]] [[File:Peter Paul Rubens 142.jpg|thumb|With cruel tusks a savage boar employs,<br />Who all king Oeneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fibered roots,<br />Silvered with blossoms of delicious fruits.]] [[File:Juno Receiving the Cestus from Venus by Joshua Reynolds.jpg|thumb|Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid?]] <!--[[File:Rubens - Judgement of Paris.jpg|thumb|When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame.]]--> * Him here he found preparing for the field<br/>His bow, his breast-plate, and his glittering shield:<br/>Whilst beauteous Helen 'mongst her maids in state<br/>Their several works and tasks disposing sate. ** Book IV * Ah! much those ancient heroes were of old<br />As patterns of benignity extoll'd:<br />Whom, though their bosoms did with anger boil;<br />Rich gifts and softer words would reconcile. ** Book IX * With cruell tusks a savage boar imploys,<br />Who all king Œneus' fertile fields destroys:<br />The stately trees tore from their fiber'd roots,<br />Silver'd with blossoms of delicious fruits. ** Book IX * Come, let us arm with speed; and let us two<br />Try, what our forces may united do. ** Book XIII * Like a burnt stake, half stuck upon his shield;<br />The other half lay broken in the field. ** Book XIII * Wilt thou, dear daughter, grant me one request,<br />Or still old grudges foster in thy breast,<br />Because thou Troy, and I the Grecians aid? ** Book XIV * But Ajax now no longer thought it good<br />To keep his post, and stand where others stood. ** Book XV * Why com'st thou like a girl with blubber'd eyes,<br />Who running by her busie mother cries<br />To be ta'en up, and by her garments holds,<br />Till she the fondling in her arms infolds. ** Book XVI * Then let him swear he ne'er the lady knew,<br />And did with her as men with women do. ** Book XIX * Why prattle we like children at their play,<br />Spending thus idle breath, enough to freight<br />An able vessel of the primer rate?<br />Our [[tongues]] are voluble, and store of words<br />Invention on all arguments affords,<br />Scatter'd on fresh occasions here and there,<br />And what thou say'st thou shalt from others hear.<br />Let us no longer vainly thus contend,<br />Like fenceless women, railing to no end. ** Book XX * Who, dearest daughter! thus unkindly used,<br />And like a malefactor thee abused?<br />She sighing then replied; Juno thy wife,<br />Who still foments contention here and strife. ** Book XXI * When they and Venus to his cottage came,<br />For lust-rewards prefer'd the Cyprian dame. ** Book XXIV; the [[w:Judgement of Paris|Judgement of Paris]]. === ''Homer His Odysses Translated'' (1665) === * That prudent Hero's wandering, Muse, rehearse,<br />Who (Troy b'ing sack'd) coasting the Universe,<br />Saw many Cities, and their various Modes;<br />Much suffering, tost by Storms on raging Floods,<br />His Friends conducting to their Native Coast:<br />But all in vain, for he his Navy lost,<br />And they their Lives, prophanely feasting on<br />Herds consecrated to the glorious Sun;<br />Who much incens'd obstructed so their way,<br />They ne'er return'd: Jove's Daughter this display. ** Book I, opening lines * Then in a chair, with a rich cushion grac'd<br />And a carv'd foot-stool, he Minerva plac'd.<br />There 'gainst a column sets her lance, where stood<br />Ulysses' javelins, planted like a wood. ** Book I. Compare [[The Odyssey of Homer (Alexander Pope)|Pope's translation]]: **: The spear receiving from her hand, he plac'd<br />Against a column, fair with sculpture grac'd;<br />Where seemly rang'd in peaceful order stood<br />Ulysses' arms, now long disus'd to blood. [[File:Odysseus bei den Laestrygonen.jpg|thumb|Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoyed;<br />But all the rest the Laestrigons destroyed.]] * There had his flesh been rent, fractur'd his bones,<br />'Mongst rowling pebbles, and sharp pointed stones. ** Book V * At last a pleasant river's mouth he finds,<br />Free from rough clifts, safe from disturbing winds. ** Book V * Their oars I bid them ply, their lives to save,<br />Death at their heels: they brush the briny wave,<br />And soon our ship the open sea enjoy'd;<br />But all the rest the Læstrigons destroy'd. ** Book X * These Heaven decrees, and ever-fixed Fate.<br />But say, blest prophet, and the truth relate;<br />I see my mother's shade, who not her son<br />Will speak to, nor so much as look upon:<br />Silent she sits by sacred blood: ah, how<br />May she, poor shadow! her dear offspring know? ** Book X === ''The Fables of [[Aesop]]'' (2nd ed. 1668) === [[File:The Lion and the Mouse - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Small help may bring great aid.]] [[File:Oudry wolf & lamb.JPG|thumb|They that have power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick quarrels, and, pretending justice, kill.]] <!--[[File:Wenceslas Hollar - The eagle and the beetle 2.jpg|thumb|Those that can help, to hurt may find a way.]]--> [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Wind - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|Loud threatening make men stubborn...]] [[File:The North Wind and the Sun - Sun - Project Gutenberg etext 19994.jpg|thumb|... but kind words<br />Pierce gentle breasts sooner than sharpest swords.]] * He is too blest that his own Happiness knows,<br />And Mortals to themselves are greatest Foes. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'' * He that loves Gold, starves more, the more he's fed. ** Fab. II: ''Of the Dog and Shadow'', Moral <!-- * Robber of Man, who now shall give thee [[aid|ayd]]? ** Fab. VI: ''The Battel of the Frog and Mouse'', line 136 --> * Great Expectations oft to nothing come. ** Fab. VIII: ''Of the Mountain in Labour'' * True Valour best is without Witness shown. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'' * Mercy makes Princes Gods. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * Small Help may bring great Aid. ** Fab. IX: ''Of the Lyon and the Mouse'', Moral * This cruel Prince that made his Will a Law. ** Fab. XII: ''Of the Frogs desiring a King'' * They that have Power to do, may, when they will,<br />Pick Quarrels, and, pretending Justice, kill. ** Fab. XIV: ''Of the Wolf and the Lamb'' * Who Weapons put into a Mad-Man's Hands,<br />May be the first the Error understands. ** Fab. XXXVI: ''Of the Husband-man and the Wood'' * None can Protect themselves with their own Shade.<br />None for themselves are born. ** Fab. XLVII: ''Of the Rebellion of the Hands and Feet'' <!-- * People that under Tyrant Scepters live,<br />Should each to other kind Assistance give. ** Fab. XLVIII: ''Of the Horse and laden Ass'', Moral --> * No Beast is half so False as Man. ** Fab. XLIX: ''Of the Fox and the Cock'' * Fortune assists the Bold, the Valiant Man<br />Oft Conqueror proves, because he thinks he can. ** Fab. LII: ''Of the Forrester, the Skinner, and a Bear'', Moral * Thus at Home happy, oft fond Youth complain,<br />And Peace and Plenty with soft Beds disdain.<br />But when in Forrein War Death seals his Eys,<br />His Birth-place he remembers e'r he Dies. ** Fab. LIII: ''Of the Tortoise and the Frogs'', Moral * Rich Cloaths, nor Cost, nor Education can<br />Change Nature, nor transform and Ape into a Man. ** Fab. LV: ''Of an Ægyptian King and his Apes'' * Those that can Help, to Hurt may find a way. ** Fab. LVI: ''Of the Eagle and the Beetle'' * One good Art's better than a thousand bad. ** Fab. LVII: ''Of the Fox and the Cat'' * Lost Reputation hard is to be found. ** Fab. LXI: ''Of Cupid, Death, and Reputation'' * Of Pride in thy Prosperity beware,<br />Vicissitudes of Fortune Constant are. ** Fab. LXII: ''Of the Gourd, and the Pine'' * Loud Threatnings make men stubborn, but kind Words<br />Pierce gentle Breasts sooner than sharpest Swords. ** Fab. LXV: ''Of the Sun and Wind'', Moral * Though Strong, Resist not a too Potent Foe;<br />Madmen against a violent Torrent row.<br />Thou mayst hereafter serve the Common-weal;<br />Then yield till Time shall later Acts repeal. ** Fab. LXVII: ''Of the Oke and the Reed'', Moral == Quotes about Ogilby == [[File:Thomas Hobbes (portrait).jpg|thumb|But why without annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby.<br />~ [[Thomas Hobbes]]]] [[File:Winstanley.jpg|thumb|John Ogilby was one who, from a late initiation into literature, made such a progress therein, as might well style him to be the prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned volumes, as well in verse as in prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his memory.<br />~ [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]]]] * He had such an excellent inventive and prudentiall witt, and master of so good addresse, that when he was undon he could not only shift handsomely (which is a great mastery), but he would make such rationall proposalls that would be embraced by rich and great men, that in a short time he could gaine a good estate again, and never failed in any thing he ever undertooke but allwayes went through with profits and honour. ** [[John Aubrey]], ''[[w:Brief Lives|Brief Lives]]'', ed. Andrew Clark, Vol. II (1898), p. 103 * Ogilby, the favourite of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]]'s schoolboy days, and the banker on whom he not unfrequently drew for rhymes while composing his own translation, though a faithful interpreter of the Greek, ranks as an epic poet below [[Sir Richard Blackmore]]. ** [[John Conington]], "The Poetry of Pope", in ''Oxford Essays'' (1855), p. 32 * John Ogilby, the well-known translator of Homer, was originally a dancing-master. He had apprenticed himself to that profession on finding himself reduced to depend upon his own resources, by the imprisonment of his father for debt in the King's Bench. Having succeeded in this pursuit, he was very soon able to release his father, which he did, very much to his credit, with the first money he procured. An accident, however, put an end to his dancing, and he was left again without any permanent means of subsistence. In these circumstances, the first thing he did was to open a small theatre in Dublin; but just when he had fairly established it, and had reason to hope that it would succeed, the rebellion of 1641 broke out, and not only swept away all his little property, but repeatedly put even his life in jeopardy. He at last found his way back to London, in a state of complete destitution: but, although he had never received any regular education, he had before this made a few attempts at verse-making, and in his extremity he bethought him of turning his talent in this way, which certainly was not great, to some account. He immediately commenced his studies, which he was enabled to pursue chiefly, it is said, through the liberal assistance of some members of the university of Cambridge; and although then considerably above forty years of age, he made such progress in Latin that he was soon considered in a condition to undertake a poetical translation of Virgil. This work was published in the year 1650. In a very few years a second edition of it was brought out with great pomp of typography and embellishments. Such was its success that the industrious and enterprising translator actually proceeded, although now in his fifty-fourth year, to commence the study of Greek, in order that he might match his version of the Æneid by others of the Iliad and the Odyssey. In due time both appeared; and Ogilby, who had in the meanwhile established himself a second time in Dublin in the management of a new theatre, was in the enjoyment of greater prosperity than ever, when, having unfortunately disposed of his Irish property, and returned to take up his residence in London, just before the great fire of 1666, he was left by that dreadful event once more entirely destitute. With unconquerable courage and perseverance, however, he set to work afresh with his translations and other literary enterprises; and was again so successful as to be eventually enabled to rebuild his house, which had been burned down, and to establish a printing-press; in the employment of which he took every opportunity of indulging that taste for splendid typography to which his first works had owed so much of their success. He was now also appointed cosmographer and geographic printer to Charles II.; and at last, at the age of seventy-six, terminated a life remarkable for its vicissitudes, and not uninstructive as an evidence both of the respectable proficiency in literature which may be acquired by those who begin their education late in life, and also of what may be done by a stout heart and indefatigable activity in repairing the worst injuries of fortune. Ogilby was no great poet, although his translations were very popular when they first appeared; but his Homer, we ought to mention, had the honour of being one of the first books that kindled the young imagination of [[Alexander Pope|Pope]], who, however, in the preface to his own translation of the Iliad, describes the poetry of his predecessor and early favourite as "too mean for criticism." ** [[w:George Lillie Craik|George Lillie Craik]], ''The Pursuit of Knowledge Under Difficulties: Illustrated by Anecdotes'' (1830), Chapter IV, pp. 68–70. Quoted in ''The Monthly Review'' (September, 1829), Art. XII: "The Library of Entertaining Knowledge", pp. 143–144. Also in ''Biography of Self Taught Men'' (1832) by [[w:Bela Bates Edwards|Bela Bates Edwards]], pp. xlii–xliii. * It is a curious co-incidence of circumstances, that [[Alexander Pope|Pope]] was initiated in poetry at eight years of age by the perusal of Ogilby's Homer. A friend having presented [[James Beattie (poet)|Dr. Beattie]], in the latter part of his life, with a copy of Ogilby's Virgil, made him very happy, in thus recalling to his imagination all the ideas with which his favourite author had at first inspired him, even through the medium of a translation. ** [[w:Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet|Sir William Forbes, 6th Baronet]], ''An Account of the Life and Writings of James Beattie'' (1806), footnote on p. 11 * But why without Annotations? Because I had no hope to do it better than it is already done by Mr. Ogilby. ** [[Thomas Hobbes]], Preface to ''Homer's Odysses'' (1675) [[File:Pope's Iliad.jpg|thumb|Below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation.<br />~ [[Gilbert Wakefield]]]] * <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Thomas Hobbes|Hobbes]]'s] poetry, as well as Ogilby's, is too mean for criticism. ** [[Alexander Pope]], Preface to ''[[The Iliad of Homer (Alexander Pope)|The Iliad of Homer]]'' (1715) * Here swells the shelf with Ogilby the great. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''[[The Dunciad|The Dunciad, Variorum]]'' (1729), Book I, line 141, p. 82 * Ogilby's translation of Homer was one of the first large poems that ever [[Alexander Pope|Mr. Pope]] read; and he still spoke of the pleasure it then gave him with a sort of rapture, only on reflecting on it. ** [[w:Joseph Spence (author)|Joseph Spence]], ''Observations, Anecdotes, and Characters, of Books and Men'' (1820), pp. 46–47 * [Alexander Pope] treads in the steps of Ogilby; below criticism, perhaps, but not imitation. ** [[Gilbert Wakefield]], ''The Iliad of Homer'', Vol. V (1796), footnote on p. 302, commenting on Pope's ''Iliad'' 21.135–138: *** Lie there, Lycaon! let the fish surround<br />Thy bloated corse, and suck thy gory wound:<br />There no sad mother shall thy funerals weep,<br />But swift Scamander roll thee to the deep. ** Cf. Ogilby's translation: *** Lycaon, lie thou there, till fish surround <br /> Thy soaking corpse and suck thy bleeding wound: <br /> Nor shall thy mother at thy funerals weep, <br /> But thee swift Xanthus hurry to the deep. * John Ogilby was one, who from a late Initiation into Literature, made such a Progress therein, as might well stile him to be the Prodigy of his time, sending into the world so many large and learned Volumes, as well in Verse as in Prose, as will make posterity much indebted to his Memory. ** [[w:William Winstanley|William Winstanley]], [https://archive.org/details/thelivesofthemos15461gut ''The Lives of the Most Famous English Poets''] (1687) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} * {{Commons-inline|John Ogilby}} * [https://books.google.com/books?id=YTloAAAAcAAJ&printsec=frontcover ''The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro''] (London, 1650) – available at [[w:Google Books|Google Books]] * ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=2eVBAQAAMAAJ&printsec=frontcover The Works of Publius Virgilius Maro] Translated, Adorned with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations''; The Second Edition (London, 1668) – available at Google Books * ''[https://archive.org/details/fablesofaesopparogil The Fables of Æsop Paraphras'd in Verse]: Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1668) – available at the [[w:Internet Archive|Internet Archive]] * ''[https://books.google.pt/books?id=d9FT0CSiZMwC&printsec=frontcover Homer His Iliads] Translated, Adorn'd with Sculpture, and Illustrated with Annotations'' (London, 1669) – available at Google Books {{DEFAULTSORT:Ogilby, John}} [[Category:Translators from Scotland]] [[Category:Businesspeople from Scotland]] [[Category:1600 births]] [[Category:1676 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] glpll2wl7yxtabx8wh7fyn0y7l1ic4l 0 189804 3944671 3941827 2026-05-24T00:30:09Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 Added Tony Molina quote 3944671 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Social media}}''' are [[computer]]-mediated [[tools]] that allow [[people]], [[companies]] and other [[organization]]s to create, share, or exchange [[information]], [[career]] interests, [[ideas]], and [[pictures]]/[[videos]] in [[w:Virtual communities|virtual communities]] and [[networks]]. == Quotes == [[File:Combat_deuxi%C3%A8me_croisade.jpg|thumb|Social media makes it extraordinarily easy to join [[w:Crusades|crusades]], express [[solidarity]] and [[outrage]], and [[shun]] [[traitors]]. [[Facebook]] was founded in 2004, and since 2006 it has allowed children as young as 13 to join. This means that the first wave of students who spent all their teen years using Facebook reached college in 2011, and graduated from college only this year. <br> These first true “social-media natives” may be different from members of previous generations in how they go about sharing their moral judgments and supporting one another in moral campaigns and conflicts. We find much to like about these trends; young people today are engaged with one another, with news stories, and with prosocial endeavors to a greater degree than when the dominant technology was [[television]]. But social media has also fundamentally shifted the balance of power in relationships between students and faculty; the latter increasingly fear what students might do to their reputations and careers by stirring up online mobs against them. ~ Greg Lukianoff, Jonathan Haidt]] [[File:Conversationprism.jpeg|thumb|right|What happens on social media doesn’t stay on social media. [[Online]] [[violence]] is [[real]] [[world]] violence. ~ [[w:Maria Ressa|Maria Ressa]]]] [[File:Notebooks-rainbow.jpg|thumb|[[Listening]] continuously and [[w:Note-taking|taking notes]] for an hour is an unusual cognitive experience for most young people. Professors should embrace — and even advertise — lecture courses as an exercise in [[mindfulness]] and [[attention]] building, a mental workout that counteracts the junk food of nonstop social media. ~ [[Molly Worthen]]]] * We applaud [[w:Surgeon General of the United States|Surgeon General]] [[w:Vivek Murthy|Vivek Murthy]] for calling attention to the potential dangers to children posed by social media platforms. The [[w:American Psychological Association|American Psychological Association]] has issued similar warnings in its landmark 2023 health advisory on social media use in adolescence and 2024 follow-up report. Research has shown that young people are especially vulnerable to specific content and functions on social platforms that interact with neural and psychological vulnerabilities in adolescence. We concur with the surgeon general's reliance on psychological science to offer warnings to protect kids from harm on these platforms. And we join the surgeon general in urging policymakers to act and help parents dealing with products that are designed to keep their kids engaged for as long as possible with few safeguards for their developmental vulnerabilities. ** [[w:American Psychological Assciation|American Psychological Assciation]], [https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2024/06/social-media-youth “APA welcomes surgeon general’s highlighting dangers of social media to kids”], (June 17, 2024) * Today’s children and teens do not know a world without digital technology, but the digital world wasn’t built with children’s healthy mental development in mind. We need an approach to help children both on and offline that meets each child where they are while also working to make the digital spaces they inhabit safer and healthier. The Surgeon General’s Advisory calls for just that approach. The American Academy of Pediatrics looks forward to working with the Surgeon General and other federal leaders on Youth Mental Health and Social Media on this important work.” ** Sandy Chung, M.D., FAAP, President, American Academy of Pediatrics; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], United States Department of Health and Human Services, (May 23, 2023) * Many of the [[parents]] I spoke to worried that their [[kids]]’ digital habits — round-the-clock responding to texts, posting to social media, obsessively following the filtered exploits of peers — were partly to blame for their children’s struggles. ** [[w:Benoit Denizet-Lewis|Benoit Denizet-Lewis]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html ""Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?"], ''New York Times’ Magazine'', (Oct 11, 2017); as quoted in <nowiki>[https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/15176-american-teen-anxiety "Anxiety is Now the Most Pressing Mental Health Problem For American Teens"]</nowiki> Drake Baer, ''Thrive Global'', (October 16, 2017). * With social media, the [[personal]] becomes the [[public]] in a way that a lot of kids don't know how to handle it. Even [[bullying]] used to be more of an isolated act. Even if it happened in the lunchroom, ten people would see it. Now a thousand people see it. ** Guy Diamond in <nowiki>[https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/15176-american-teen-anxiety "Anxiety is Now the Most Pressing Mental Health Problem For American Teens"]</nowiki> by Drake Baer, ''Thrive Global'', (October 16, 2017). * The [[w:American Psychological Association|American Psychological Association]] applauds the Surgeon General's Advisory on Social Media and Youth Mental Health, affirming the use of psychological science to reach clear-eyed recommendations that will help keep our youth safe online. Psychological research shows that young people mature at different rates, with some more vulnerable than others to the content and features on many social media platforms. We support the advisory's recommendations and pledge to work with the Surgeon General's Office to help build the healthy digital environment that our kids need and deserve. ** Arthur Evans, Jr., Ph.D., Chief Executive Officer and Executive Vice President, American Psychological Association; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * Psychologist Chris Ferguson of Stetson University says that both the negative and positive differences identified in the research are small. "My takeaway from this is for the most part, it looks like screen use, in general, and social media use have relatively little impact on most of the outcomes the authors are looking at, with maybe the exception of sleep," he says. ** Chris Ferguson as quoted by Sara Kiley Watson, [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/06/19/621136346/a-look-at-social-media-finds-some-possible-benefits-for-kids “A Look At Social Media Finds Some Possible Benefits For Kids”], Shots, ''NPR'', (June 19, 2018) * Dr. Victor Fornari, the vice chair of [[child]] and [[adolescent]] [[psychiatry]] for [[w:Northwell Health|Northwell Health]], [[New York]]’s largest health system, noted that the drop in teen well-being coincided with the rise of [[smartphones]]. Although the technology’s full impact on adolescents’ mental health is still unknown, he said, there is “no question” of an association between the use of social media and the dramatic increase in [[suicidal]] [[behavior]] and [[depressive]] [[mood]]. <br> “[[Kids]] are now vulnerable to [[cyberbullying]] and critical comments, like ‘I hate you’, ‘Nobody likes you,’” he said. “It’s like harpoons to their heart every time.” <br> More girls than boys reported being cyber-bullied, according to the C.D.C. report, which found one in five girls said they had been the target of electronic bullying, almost double the 11 percent of boys. <br> Dr. Fornari added that the number of adolescents coming to the emergency room at [[w:Long Island Jewish Medical Center in New Hyde Park|Long Island Jewish Medical Center in New Hyde Park]], where he practices, for suicidal thoughts or attempts has increased dramatically in recent decades. In 1982, there were 250 emergency room visits by suicidal adolescents. By 2010, the number had increased to 3,000. By 2022, it was 8,000. <br> “We don’t have enough [[therapists]] to care for all these kids,” Dr. Fornari said. ** Victor Fornari as quoted by Azeen Ghorayshi and Roni Caryn Rabin,[https://www.nytimes.com/2023/02/13/health/teen-girls-sadness-suicide-violence.html “Teen Girls Report Record Levels of Sadness, C.D.C. Finds”], ''The New York Times'', (Feb. 13, 2023) * How lasting the impact of social media will have is yet to be determined, but one thing for sure, it has turned the chain of influence upside down. Today the reader, the lowly reader, that presumably passive consumer of all the great insight handed down by the reporter, confirmed by the analyst, attested to by the reference customer—this reader, I say, has now become the writer! Except it is not a reader/writer. It is reader/writers at large, many readers, the wisdom (or madness) of crowds. We have embarked upon the world's largest and longest cocktail party, and every issue imaginable is up for grabs. ** Paul Gillin, [[‎Geoffrey A. Moore]] (2009), ''The New Influencers: A Marketer's Guide to the New Social Media.'' p. vii * If a social media [[algorithm]] recommends to people a hate-filled [[conspiracy theory]], this is the fault not of the person who produced the conspiracy theory, it is the fault of the people who designed and let loose the algorithm. ** [[Yuval Noah Harari]] quoted in [https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/internet-social-media-world-wide-web-tim-berners-lee-b1247551.html "Tim Berners-Lee: The internet needs compassion – and I have a solution"], ''The Standard'' (15 September 2025) * Social media can be a powerful tool for connection, but it can also lead to increased feelings of depression and anxiety – particularly among adolescents. Family physicians are often the first stop for parents and families concerned about the physical and emotional health of young people in their lives, and we confront the mental health crisis among youth every day. The American Academy of Family Physicians commends the Surgeon General for identifying this risk for America's youth and joins our colleagues across the health care community in equipping young people and their families with the resources necessary to live healthy, balanced lives. ** Tochi Iroku-Malize; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html "Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * Every parent’s top priority for their child is for them to be happy, healthy and safe. We have heard from families who say they need and want information about using social media and devices. This Advisory from the Surgeon General confirms that family engagement on this topic is vital and continues to be one of the core solutions to keeping children safe online and supporting their mental health and well-being. ** Anna King; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * The first principle of health care is to do no harm – that’s the same standard we need to start holding social media platforms to. As the Surgeon General has pointed out throughout his tenure, we all have a role to play in addressing the youth mental health crisis that we now face as a nation. We have the responsibility to ensure social media keeps young people safe. And as this Surgeon General’s Advisory makes clear, we as physicians and healers have a responsibility to be part of the effort to do so.” ** Saul Levin; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * All that stuff about mainstream social media is interesting enough, which is to say not at all interesting. ** [[w:Lee Konstantinou|Lee Konstantinou]], ''Johnny Appledrone vs. the FAA'' in Ed Finn & [[w:Kathryn Cramer|Kathryn Cramer]] (eds.) ''[[w:Project Hieroglyph|Hieroglyph: Stories and Visions for a Better Future]]'' (2014), p. 199 * If you want to help the cause of informational freedom, which is the only true religion, your talents as a social media consultant are irrelevant. ** [[w:Lee Konstantinou|Lee Konstantinou]], ''Johnny Appledrone vs. the FAA'' in Ed Finn & [[w:Kathryn Cramer|Kathryn Cramer]] (eds.) ''[[w:Project Hieroglyph|Hieroglyph: Stories and Visions for a Better Future]]'' (2014), p. 200 * It's unbearable to think any young person should feel there is no other option but to end their life because of bullying on social networking sites. ** Claire Lilley, NSPCC safer technology expert, quoted in ''BBC News'', [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23654329 "One in five children bullied online, says NSPCC survey"], (August 11, 2013). * Social media makes it extraordinarily easy to join [[w:Crusades|crusades]], express [[solidarity]] and [[outrage]], and [[shun]] [[traitors]]. [[Facebook]] was founded in 2004, and since 2006 it has allowed children as young as 13 to join. This means that the first wave of students who spent all their teen years using Facebook reached college in 2011, and graduated from college only this year. <br> These first true “social-media natives” may be different from members of previous generations in how they go about sharing their moral judgments and supporting one another in moral campaigns and conflicts. We find much to like about these trends; young people today are engaged with one another, with news stories, and with prosocial endeavors to a greater degree than when the dominant technology was [[television]]. But social media has also fundamentally shifted the balance of power in relationships between students and faculty; the latter increasingly fear what students might do to their reputations and careers by stirring up online mobs against them. ** Greg Lukianoff, Jonathan Haidt, [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/ "The Coddling of the American Mind"], ''The Atlantic'', (September 2016). * After it was revealed that [[Facebook]] was working on a version of Instagram for children under 13, a bipartisan group of 44 attorneys general wrote a letter to Zuckerberg this month with a simple message: Stop. <br> "Use of social media can be detrimental to the health and well-being of children, who are not equipped to navigate the challenges of having a social media account," the letter reads. ** National Association of Attorneys General, [https://ag.ny.gov/sites/default/files/naag_letter_to_facebook_-_final.pdf “Re: Facebook’s Plans to Develop Instagram for Children Under the Age of 13”], as quoted by Miles Parks, [https://www.npr.org/2021/05/18/990234501/facebook-calls-links-to-depression-inconclusive-these-researchers-disagree “Facebook Calls Links To Depression Inconclusive. These Researchers Disagree”], All Things Considered, ''NPR'', (May 18, 2021) * The most common question parents ask me is, ‘is social media safe for my kids’. The answer is that we don't have enough [[evidence]] to say it's safe, and in fact, there is growing evidence that social media use is associated with harm to young people’s mental health. Children are exposed to harmful content on social media, ranging from violent and sexual content, to bullying and harassment. And for too many children, social media use is compromising their sleep and valuable in-person time with family and friends. We are in the middle of a national youth mental health crisis, and I am concerned that social media is an important driver of that crisis – one that we must urgently address. ** [[w:Vivek Murthy|Vivek Murthy]], [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * The [[mental health]] crisis among young people is an emergency — and social media has emerged as an important contributor. Adolescents who spend more than three hours a day on social media face double the risk of [[anxiety]] and [[depression]] symptoms, and the average daily use in this age group, as of the summer of 2023, was 4.8 hours. Additionally, nearly half of adolescents say social media makes them feel worse about their [[bodies]]. ** Vivek Murthy, [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/opinion/social-media-health-warning.html “Surgeon General: Why I’m Calling for a Warning Label on Social Media Platforms”] ''New York Times'', (June 17, 2024) * Legislation from [[United States Congress|Congress]] should shield young people from online harassment, abuse and exploitation and from exposure to extreme violence and sexual content that too often appears in algorithm-driven feeds. The measures should prevent platforms from collecting sensitive data from children and should restrict the use of features like push notifications, autoplay and infinite scroll, which prey on developing brains and contribute to excessive use. <br> Additionally, companies must be required to share all of their [[data]] on health effects with independent scientists and the public — currently they do not — and allow independent safety audits. While the platforms claim they are making their products safer, Americans need more than words. We need [[proof]]. ** Vivek Murthy, [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/opinion/social-media-health-warning.html “Surgeon General: Why I’m Calling for a Warning Label on Social Media Platforms”] ''New York Times'', (June 17, 2024) * The effect of this is there is no longer a free and open social media [[company]] or [[site]] for any [[American]] to get on any longer. Because these big companies—[[Apple]], [[Amazon]], [[Google]]—they have just destroyed what was likely a billion dollar company, and, poof, it's gone. ** [[Devin Nunes]] in [https://www.newsweek.com/devin-nunes-complains-fox-news-republicans-have-no-way-communicate-if-parler-taken-down-1560337 Devin Nunes Complains on Fox News 'Republicans Have No Way to Communicate' if Parler Taken Down] * But it's more than the just the [[financial]] aspect of that. [[Republican]]s have no way to communicate. It doesn't even matter if you're Republican or [[conservative]], if you don't want to be regulated by [[left-winger]]s that are at [[Twitter]] and [[Facebook]] and [[Instagram]], where you get shadow-banned and nobody gets to see you and they get to decide what's [[violent]] or not violent, it's preposterous ** [[Devin Nunes]] in [https://www.newsweek.com/devin-nunes-complains-fox-news-republicans-have-no-way-communicate-if-parler-taken-down-1560337 Devin Nunes Complains on Fox News 'Republicans Have No Way to Communicate' if Parler Taken Down] * Late capitalism is like your love life: it looks a lot less bleak through an Instagram filter. ** Laurie Penny, "Life Hacks of the Poor and Aimless." * Social media use by young people is pervasive. It can help them, and all of us, live more connected lives – if, and only if, the appropriate oversight, regulation and guardrails are applied. Now is the moment for policymakers, companies and experts to come together and ensure social media is set up safety-first, to help young users grow and thrive. The Surgeon General’s Advisory about the effects of social media on youth mental health issued today lays out a roadmap for us to do so, and it’s critical that we undertake this collective effort with care and urgency to help today’s youth. ** Susan L. Polan; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * With near universal social media use by America’s young people, these apps and sites introduce pro-found risk and mental health harms in ways we are only now beginning to fully understand. As physicians, we see firsthand the impact of social media, particularly during adolescence – a critical period of brain development. As we grapple with the growing, but still insufficient, research and evidence in this area, we applaud the Surgeon General for issuing this important Advisory to highlight this issue and enumerate concrete steps stakeholders can take to address concerns and protect the mental health and well being of children and adolescents. We continue to believe in the positive benefits of social media, but we also urge safeguards and additional study of the positive and negative biological, psychological, and social effects of social media. ** Jack Resneck Jr.; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * What happens on social media doesn’t stay on social media. [[Online]] [[violence]] is [[real]] [[world]] violence. ** [[w:Maria Ressa|Maria Ressa]], [https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/peace/2021/ressa/lecture/ Nobel Peace Prize Lecture, 10 December 2021] * Discussing political developments in the six years between leaving "[[The Daily Show]]" and starting a new show, “[[w:The Problem with Jon Stewart|The Problem with Jon Stewart]],” on Apple TV+ this fall, Stewart said social media algorithms have been a key factor in driving increased political polarization. <br> “We're adjusting to a new information and political ecosystem. … The delivery system is more sophisticated, more robust and more ubiquitous," he said. "It helps [[radicalize]] in a faster way or a deeper way. We have algorithms that make sure that if you are starting to lean toward something bad … then the algorithm says, ‘I've got a four-hour manifesto you've got to see.’ We have created a machine that makes that kind of radicalization more efficient.” ** [[Jon Stewart]] as quoted by Craig Howie, [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/10/17/jon-stewart-risks-to-system-trump-516152 “Jon Stewart warns more risks to the political system than Trump”], ''Politico'', (10/17/2021) * "The correlational evidence showing that there is a link between social media use and [[depression]] is pretty definitive at this point," said Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at [[w:San Diego State University|San Diego State University]]. "The largest and most well-conducted studies that we have all show that teens who spend more time on social media are more likely to be depressed or unhappy." ** Jean Twenge as quoted by Miles Parks, [https://www.npr.org/2021/05/18/990234501/facebook-calls-links-to-depression-inconclusive-these-researchers-disagree “Facebook Calls Links To Depression Inconclusive. These Researchers Disagree”], All Things Considered, (May 18, 2021) * [[Listening]] continuously and [[w:Note-taking|taking notes]] for an hour is an unusual cognitive experience for most young people. Professors should embrace — and even advertise — lecture courses as an exercise in [[mindfulness]] and [[attention]] building, a mental workout that counteracts the junk food of nonstop social media. ** [[Molly Worthen]] "Lecture me. Really." ''The New York Times'', (October 17, 2015). * Right now, social media is overflowing with disinformation. There are discriminatory expressions, and sensational short videos designed to stir emotions. When I see children watching them so intently, it makes me a little uneasy. I worry that Japanese society might become even more divided in the future. And above all, there’s the issue of information interference by foreign powers. This absolutely must be stopped. In unseen ways, in unseen places, our democracy is being violated by disinformation. I will never tolerate these forces of division. ** [[w:Takayuki Kobayashi|Takayuki Kobayashi]] during his [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9j2VG54aQD8 campaign announcement] for the [[w:2025 LDP presidential election|2025 LDP presidential election]]. (September 16, 2025) *I think the first thing is understanding that [[Mark Zuckerberg]], [[Elon Musk]], the Spotify slimebag, [[w:Jack Dorsey|Jack Dorsey]], and any / all of these techie gentrifier colonizer pigs are true scum of the earth that do not have anyone’s best interest in mind. They one-hundred percent are trying to keep you addicted, manipulated and powerless, they will rob you of your dignity and integrity, strip you of your desire for honest and true self-expression, condition you to prioritize capital instead of the spiritual value of art. They will condition you to publicly log your character defects to the world, they will erase and wipe out real culture and replace it with swagless garbage, they will make your band suck ass and you will be spending your days thinking of ways to sell the shitty record you made to the public instead of writing real songs; they will sell you garbage and essentially give you brain disease for the rest of your natural life. Nobody needs it for anything, especially your band. **singer-songwriter [[Tony Molina]] on social media, from a Yellow Green Red interview<ref name="ygr-molina">{{cite web |title=Worst Song #2 – Tony Molina |url=https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 |website=YELLOW GREEN RED |date=May 4, 2026 |access-date=May 23, 2026 }}</ref> == See also == * [[Internet]] * [[Mass media]] * [[Online safety]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Social media| ]] ctts0w0wyhucixxhlxkfnzjql9azq1d 3944672 3944671 2026-05-24T00:32:10Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 /* Quotes */ 3944672 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Social media}}''' are [[computer]]-mediated [[tools]] that allow [[people]], [[companies]] and other [[organization]]s to create, share, or exchange [[information]], [[career]] interests, [[ideas]], and [[pictures]]/[[videos]] in [[w:Virtual communities|virtual communities]] and [[networks]]. == Quotes == [[File:Combat_deuxi%C3%A8me_croisade.jpg|thumb|Social media makes it extraordinarily easy to join [[w:Crusades|crusades]], express [[solidarity]] and [[outrage]], and [[shun]] [[traitors]]. [[Facebook]] was founded in 2004, and since 2006 it has allowed children as young as 13 to join. This means that the first wave of students who spent all their teen years using Facebook reached college in 2011, and graduated from college only this year. <br> These first true “social-media natives” may be different from members of previous generations in how they go about sharing their moral judgments and supporting one another in moral campaigns and conflicts. We find much to like about these trends; young people today are engaged with one another, with news stories, and with prosocial endeavors to a greater degree than when the dominant technology was [[television]]. But social media has also fundamentally shifted the balance of power in relationships between students and faculty; the latter increasingly fear what students might do to their reputations and careers by stirring up online mobs against them. ~ Greg Lukianoff, Jonathan Haidt]] [[File:Conversationprism.jpeg|thumb|right|What happens on social media doesn’t stay on social media. [[Online]] [[violence]] is [[real]] [[world]] violence. ~ [[w:Maria Ressa|Maria Ressa]]]] [[File:Notebooks-rainbow.jpg|thumb|[[Listening]] continuously and [[w:Note-taking|taking notes]] for an hour is an unusual cognitive experience for most young people. Professors should embrace — and even advertise — lecture courses as an exercise in [[mindfulness]] and [[attention]] building, a mental workout that counteracts the junk food of nonstop social media. ~ [[Molly Worthen]]]] * We applaud [[w:Surgeon General of the United States|Surgeon General]] [[w:Vivek Murthy|Vivek Murthy]] for calling attention to the potential dangers to children posed by social media platforms. The [[w:American Psychological Association|American Psychological Association]] has issued similar warnings in its landmark 2023 health advisory on social media use in adolescence and 2024 follow-up report. Research has shown that young people are especially vulnerable to specific content and functions on social platforms that interact with neural and psychological vulnerabilities in adolescence. We concur with the surgeon general's reliance on psychological science to offer warnings to protect kids from harm on these platforms. And we join the surgeon general in urging policymakers to act and help parents dealing with products that are designed to keep their kids engaged for as long as possible with few safeguards for their developmental vulnerabilities. ** [[w:American Psychological Assciation|American Psychological Assciation]], [https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2024/06/social-media-youth “APA welcomes surgeon general’s highlighting dangers of social media to kids”], (June 17, 2024) * Today’s children and teens do not know a world without digital technology, but the digital world wasn’t built with children’s healthy mental development in mind. We need an approach to help children both on and offline that meets each child where they are while also working to make the digital spaces they inhabit safer and healthier. The Surgeon General’s Advisory calls for just that approach. The American Academy of Pediatrics looks forward to working with the Surgeon General and other federal leaders on Youth Mental Health and Social Media on this important work.” ** Sandy Chung, M.D., FAAP, President, American Academy of Pediatrics; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], United States Department of Health and Human Services, (May 23, 2023) * Many of the [[parents]] I spoke to worried that their [[kids]]’ digital habits — round-the-clock responding to texts, posting to social media, obsessively following the filtered exploits of peers — were partly to blame for their children’s struggles. ** [[w:Benoit Denizet-Lewis|Benoit Denizet-Lewis]], [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/11/magazine/why-are-more-american-teenagers-than-ever-suffering-from-severe-anxiety.html ""Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety?"], ''New York Times’ Magazine'', (Oct 11, 2017); as quoted in <nowiki>[https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/15176-american-teen-anxiety "Anxiety is Now the Most Pressing Mental Health Problem For American Teens"]</nowiki> Drake Baer, ''Thrive Global'', (October 16, 2017). * With social media, the [[personal]] becomes the [[public]] in a way that a lot of kids don't know how to handle it. Even [[bullying]] used to be more of an isolated act. Even if it happened in the lunchroom, ten people would see it. Now a thousand people see it. ** Guy Diamond in <nowiki>[https://www.thriveglobal.com/stories/15176-american-teen-anxiety "Anxiety is Now the Most Pressing Mental Health Problem For American Teens"]</nowiki> by Drake Baer, ''Thrive Global'', (October 16, 2017). * The [[w:American Psychological Association|American Psychological Association]] applauds the Surgeon General's Advisory on Social Media and Youth Mental Health, affirming the use of psychological science to reach clear-eyed recommendations that will help keep our youth safe online. Psychological research shows that young people mature at different rates, with some more vulnerable than others to the content and features on many social media platforms. We support the advisory's recommendations and pledge to work with the Surgeon General's Office to help build the healthy digital environment that our kids need and deserve. ** Arthur Evans, Jr., Ph.D., Chief Executive Officer and Executive Vice President, American Psychological Association; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * Psychologist Chris Ferguson of Stetson University says that both the negative and positive differences identified in the research are small. "My takeaway from this is for the most part, it looks like screen use, in general, and social media use have relatively little impact on most of the outcomes the authors are looking at, with maybe the exception of sleep," he says. ** Chris Ferguson as quoted by Sara Kiley Watson, [https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/06/19/621136346/a-look-at-social-media-finds-some-possible-benefits-for-kids “A Look At Social Media Finds Some Possible Benefits For Kids”], Shots, ''NPR'', (June 19, 2018) * Dr. Victor Fornari, the vice chair of [[child]] and [[adolescent]] [[psychiatry]] for [[w:Northwell Health|Northwell Health]], [[New York]]’s largest health system, noted that the drop in teen well-being coincided with the rise of [[smartphones]]. Although the technology’s full impact on adolescents’ mental health is still unknown, he said, there is “no question” of an association between the use of social media and the dramatic increase in [[suicidal]] [[behavior]] and [[depressive]] [[mood]]. <br> “[[Kids]] are now vulnerable to [[cyberbullying]] and critical comments, like ‘I hate you’, ‘Nobody likes you,’” he said. “It’s like harpoons to their heart every time.” <br> More girls than boys reported being cyber-bullied, according to the C.D.C. report, which found one in five girls said they had been the target of electronic bullying, almost double the 11 percent of boys. <br> Dr. Fornari added that the number of adolescents coming to the emergency room at [[w:Long Island Jewish Medical Center in New Hyde Park|Long Island Jewish Medical Center in New Hyde Park]], where he practices, for suicidal thoughts or attempts has increased dramatically in recent decades. In 1982, there were 250 emergency room visits by suicidal adolescents. By 2010, the number had increased to 3,000. By 2022, it was 8,000. <br> “We don’t have enough [[therapists]] to care for all these kids,” Dr. Fornari said. ** Victor Fornari as quoted by Azeen Ghorayshi and Roni Caryn Rabin,[https://www.nytimes.com/2023/02/13/health/teen-girls-sadness-suicide-violence.html “Teen Girls Report Record Levels of Sadness, C.D.C. Finds”], ''The New York Times'', (Feb. 13, 2023) * How lasting the impact of social media will have is yet to be determined, but one thing for sure, it has turned the chain of influence upside down. Today the reader, the lowly reader, that presumably passive consumer of all the great insight handed down by the reporter, confirmed by the analyst, attested to by the reference customer—this reader, I say, has now become the writer! Except it is not a reader/writer. It is reader/writers at large, many readers, the wisdom (or madness) of crowds. We have embarked upon the world's largest and longest cocktail party, and every issue imaginable is up for grabs. ** Paul Gillin, [[‎Geoffrey A. Moore]] (2009), ''The New Influencers: A Marketer's Guide to the New Social Media.'' p. vii * If a social media [[algorithm]] recommends to people a hate-filled [[conspiracy theory]], this is the fault not of the person who produced the conspiracy theory, it is the fault of the people who designed and let loose the algorithm. ** [[Yuval Noah Harari]] quoted in [https://www.standard.co.uk/comment/internet-social-media-world-wide-web-tim-berners-lee-b1247551.html "Tim Berners-Lee: The internet needs compassion – and I have a solution"], ''The Standard'' (15 September 2025) * Social media can be a powerful tool for connection, but it can also lead to increased feelings of depression and anxiety – particularly among adolescents. Family physicians are often the first stop for parents and families concerned about the physical and emotional health of young people in their lives, and we confront the mental health crisis among youth every day. The American Academy of Family Physicians commends the Surgeon General for identifying this risk for America's youth and joins our colleagues across the health care community in equipping young people and their families with the resources necessary to live healthy, balanced lives. ** Tochi Iroku-Malize; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html "Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * Every parent’s top priority for their child is for them to be happy, healthy and safe. We have heard from families who say they need and want information about using social media and devices. This Advisory from the Surgeon General confirms that family engagement on this topic is vital and continues to be one of the core solutions to keeping children safe online and supporting their mental health and well-being. ** Anna King; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * The first principle of health care is to do no harm – that’s the same standard we need to start holding social media platforms to. As the Surgeon General has pointed out throughout his tenure, we all have a role to play in addressing the youth mental health crisis that we now face as a nation. We have the responsibility to ensure social media keeps young people safe. And as this Surgeon General’s Advisory makes clear, we as physicians and healers have a responsibility to be part of the effort to do so.” ** Saul Levin; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * All that stuff about mainstream social media is interesting enough, which is to say not at all interesting. ** [[w:Lee Konstantinou|Lee Konstantinou]], ''Johnny Appledrone vs. the FAA'' in Ed Finn & [[w:Kathryn Cramer|Kathryn Cramer]] (eds.) ''[[w:Project Hieroglyph|Hieroglyph: Stories and Visions for a Better Future]]'' (2014), p. 199 * If you want to help the cause of informational freedom, which is the only true religion, your talents as a social media consultant are irrelevant. ** [[w:Lee Konstantinou|Lee Konstantinou]], ''Johnny Appledrone vs. the FAA'' in Ed Finn & [[w:Kathryn Cramer|Kathryn Cramer]] (eds.) ''[[w:Project Hieroglyph|Hieroglyph: Stories and Visions for a Better Future]]'' (2014), p. 200 * It's unbearable to think any young person should feel there is no other option but to end their life because of bullying on social networking sites. ** Claire Lilley, NSPCC safer technology expert, quoted in ''BBC News'', [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23654329 "One in five children bullied online, says NSPCC survey"], (August 11, 2013). * Social media makes it extraordinarily easy to join [[w:Crusades|crusades]], express [[solidarity]] and [[outrage]], and [[shun]] [[traitors]]. [[Facebook]] was founded in 2004, and since 2006 it has allowed children as young as 13 to join. This means that the first wave of students who spent all their teen years using Facebook reached college in 2011, and graduated from college only this year. <br> These first true “social-media natives” may be different from members of previous generations in how they go about sharing their moral judgments and supporting one another in moral campaigns and conflicts. We find much to like about these trends; young people today are engaged with one another, with news stories, and with prosocial endeavors to a greater degree than when the dominant technology was [[television]]. But social media has also fundamentally shifted the balance of power in relationships between students and faculty; the latter increasingly fear what students might do to their reputations and careers by stirring up online mobs against them. ** Greg Lukianoff, Jonathan Haidt, [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/09/the-coddling-of-the-american-mind/399356/ "The Coddling of the American Mind"], ''The Atlantic'', (September 2016). * After it was revealed that [[Facebook]] was working on a version of Instagram for children under 13, a bipartisan group of 44 attorneys general wrote a letter to Zuckerberg this month with a simple message: Stop. <br> "Use of social media can be detrimental to the health and well-being of children, who are not equipped to navigate the challenges of having a social media account," the letter reads. ** National Association of Attorneys General, [https://ag.ny.gov/sites/default/files/naag_letter_to_facebook_-_final.pdf “Re: Facebook’s Plans to Develop Instagram for Children Under the Age of 13”], as quoted by Miles Parks, [https://www.npr.org/2021/05/18/990234501/facebook-calls-links-to-depression-inconclusive-these-researchers-disagree “Facebook Calls Links To Depression Inconclusive. These Researchers Disagree”], All Things Considered, ''NPR'', (May 18, 2021) * The most common question parents ask me is, ‘is social media safe for my kids’. The answer is that we don't have enough [[evidence]] to say it's safe, and in fact, there is growing evidence that social media use is associated with harm to young people’s mental health. Children are exposed to harmful content on social media, ranging from violent and sexual content, to bullying and harassment. And for too many children, social media use is compromising their sleep and valuable in-person time with family and friends. We are in the middle of a national youth mental health crisis, and I am concerned that social media is an important driver of that crisis – one that we must urgently address. ** [[w:Vivek Murthy|Vivek Murthy]], [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * The [[mental health]] crisis among young people is an emergency — and social media has emerged as an important contributor. Adolescents who spend more than three hours a day on social media face double the risk of [[anxiety]] and [[depression]] symptoms, and the average daily use in this age group, as of the summer of 2023, was 4.8 hours. Additionally, nearly half of adolescents say social media makes them feel worse about their [[bodies]]. ** Vivek Murthy, [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/opinion/social-media-health-warning.html “Surgeon General: Why I’m Calling for a Warning Label on Social Media Platforms”] ''New York Times'', (June 17, 2024) * Legislation from [[United States Congress|Congress]] should shield young people from online harassment, abuse and exploitation and from exposure to extreme violence and sexual content that too often appears in algorithm-driven feeds. The measures should prevent platforms from collecting sensitive data from children and should restrict the use of features like push notifications, autoplay and infinite scroll, which prey on developing brains and contribute to excessive use. <br> Additionally, companies must be required to share all of their [[data]] on health effects with independent scientists and the public — currently they do not — and allow independent safety audits. While the platforms claim they are making their products safer, Americans need more than words. We need [[proof]]. ** Vivek Murthy, [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/opinion/social-media-health-warning.html “Surgeon General: Why I’m Calling for a Warning Label on Social Media Platforms”] ''New York Times'', (June 17, 2024) * The effect of this is there is no longer a free and open social media [[company]] or [[site]] for any [[American]] to get on any longer. Because these big companies—[[Apple]], [[Amazon]], [[Google]]—they have just destroyed what was likely a billion dollar company, and, poof, it's gone. ** [[Devin Nunes]] in [https://www.newsweek.com/devin-nunes-complains-fox-news-republicans-have-no-way-communicate-if-parler-taken-down-1560337 Devin Nunes Complains on Fox News 'Republicans Have No Way to Communicate' if Parler Taken Down] * But it's more than the just the [[financial]] aspect of that. [[Republican]]s have no way to communicate. It doesn't even matter if you're Republican or [[conservative]], if you don't want to be regulated by [[left-winger]]s that are at [[Twitter]] and [[Facebook]] and [[Instagram]], where you get shadow-banned and nobody gets to see you and they get to decide what's [[violent]] or not violent, it's preposterous ** [[Devin Nunes]] in [https://www.newsweek.com/devin-nunes-complains-fox-news-republicans-have-no-way-communicate-if-parler-taken-down-1560337 Devin Nunes Complains on Fox News 'Republicans Have No Way to Communicate' if Parler Taken Down] * Late capitalism is like your love life: it looks a lot less bleak through an Instagram filter. ** Laurie Penny, "Life Hacks of the Poor and Aimless." * Social media use by young people is pervasive. It can help them, and all of us, live more connected lives – if, and only if, the appropriate oversight, regulation and guardrails are applied. Now is the moment for policymakers, companies and experts to come together and ensure social media is set up safety-first, to help young users grow and thrive. The Surgeon General’s Advisory about the effects of social media on youth mental health issued today lays out a roadmap for us to do so, and it’s critical that we undertake this collective effort with care and urgency to help today’s youth. ** Susan L. Polan; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * With near universal social media use by America’s young people, these apps and sites introduce pro-found risk and mental health harms in ways we are only now beginning to fully understand. As physicians, we see firsthand the impact of social media, particularly during adolescence – a critical period of brain development. As we grapple with the growing, but still insufficient, research and evidence in this area, we applaud the Surgeon General for issuing this important Advisory to highlight this issue and enumerate concrete steps stakeholders can take to address concerns and protect the mental health and well being of children and adolescents. We continue to believe in the positive benefits of social media, but we also urge safeguards and additional study of the positive and negative biological, psychological, and social effects of social media. ** Jack Resneck Jr.; [https://www.hhs.gov/about/news/2023/05/23/surgeon-general-issues-new-advisory-about-effects-social-media-use-has-youth-mental-health.html ”Surgeon General Issues New Advisory About Effects Social Media Use Has on Youth Mental Health”], [[w:United States Department of Health and Human Services|United States Department of Health and Human Services]], (May 23, 2023) * What happens on social media doesn’t stay on social media. [[Online]] [[violence]] is [[real]] [[world]] violence. ** [[w:Maria Ressa|Maria Ressa]], [https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/peace/2021/ressa/lecture/ Nobel Peace Prize Lecture, 10 December 2021] * Discussing political developments in the six years between leaving "[[The Daily Show]]" and starting a new show, “[[w:The Problem with Jon Stewart|The Problem with Jon Stewart]],” on Apple TV+ this fall, Stewart said social media algorithms have been a key factor in driving increased political polarization. <br> “We're adjusting to a new information and political ecosystem. … The delivery system is more sophisticated, more robust and more ubiquitous," he said. "It helps [[radicalize]] in a faster way or a deeper way. We have algorithms that make sure that if you are starting to lean toward something bad … then the algorithm says, ‘I've got a four-hour manifesto you've got to see.’ We have created a machine that makes that kind of radicalization more efficient.” ** [[Jon Stewart]] as quoted by Craig Howie, [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/10/17/jon-stewart-risks-to-system-trump-516152 “Jon Stewart warns more risks to the political system than Trump”], ''Politico'', (10/17/2021) * "The correlational evidence showing that there is a link between social media use and [[depression]] is pretty definitive at this point," said Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at [[w:San Diego State University|San Diego State University]]. "The largest and most well-conducted studies that we have all show that teens who spend more time on social media are more likely to be depressed or unhappy." ** Jean Twenge as quoted by Miles Parks, [https://www.npr.org/2021/05/18/990234501/facebook-calls-links-to-depression-inconclusive-these-researchers-disagree “Facebook Calls Links To Depression Inconclusive. These Researchers Disagree”], All Things Considered, (May 18, 2021) * [[Listening]] continuously and [[w:Note-taking|taking notes]] for an hour is an unusual cognitive experience for most young people. Professors should embrace — and even advertise — lecture courses as an exercise in [[mindfulness]] and [[attention]] building, a mental workout that counteracts the junk food of nonstop social media. ** [[Molly Worthen]] "Lecture me. Really." ''The New York Times'', (October 17, 2015). * Right now, social media is overflowing with disinformation. There are discriminatory expressions, and sensational short videos designed to stir emotions. When I see children watching them so intently, it makes me a little uneasy. I worry that Japanese society might become even more divided in the future. And above all, there’s the issue of information interference by foreign powers. This absolutely must be stopped. In unseen ways, in unseen places, our democracy is being violated by disinformation. I will never tolerate these forces of division. ** [[w:Takayuki Kobayashi|Takayuki Kobayashi]] during his [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9j2VG54aQD8 campaign announcement] for the [[w:2025 LDP presidential election|2025 LDP presidential election]]. (September 16, 2025) *I think the first thing is understanding that [[Mark Zuckerberg]], [[Elon Musk]], the Spotify slimebag, [[w:Jack Dorsey|Jack Dorsey]], and any / all of these techie gentrifier colonizer pigs are true scum of the earth that do not have anyone’s best interest in mind. They one-hundred percent are trying to keep you addicted, manipulated and powerless, they will rob you of your dignity and integrity, strip you of your desire for honest and true self-expression, condition you to prioritize capital instead of the spiritual value of art. They will condition you to publicly log your character defects to the world, they will erase and wipe out real culture and replace it with swagless garbage, they will make your band suck ass and you will be spending your days thinking of ways to sell the shitty record you made to the public instead of writing real songs; they will sell you garbage and essentially give you brain disease for the rest of your natural life. Nobody needs it for anything, especially your band. **singer-songwriter [[Tony Molina]] on social media, from a [https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 Yellow Green Red interview], May 4, 2026 == See also == * [[Internet]] * [[Mass media]] * [[Online safety]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Social media| ]] s5ztvt11y5tkgnn2rhikyqsr7pts7lc 0 191348 3944603 3857533 2026-05-23T21:48:29Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944603 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Angelo Poliziano - Angel Appearing to Zacharias (detail).jpg|thumb|Angelo Poliziano]] '''[[w:Angelo Ambrogini|Poliziano]]''' ([[14 July]] [[1454]] – [[24 September]] [[1494]]), commonly known by his nickname '''Poliziano''' (anglicized as '''Politian'''; [[w:Latin|Latin]]: '' Politianus''), was an [[Italy|Italian]] [[w:classical scholar|classical scholar]] and [[poet]] of the [[w:Florentine Renaissance|Florentine Renaissance]]. His scholarship was instrumental in the divergence of [[w:Renaissance Latin|Renaissance (or Humanist) Latin]] from [[w:Medieval Latin|medieval norms]] and for developments in [[philology]]. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * ''Non exprimis, aliquis inquit, Ciceronem. Quid tum? Non enim sum Cicero; me tamen, ut opinor, exprimo.'' ** '''Someone might object, "But you do not express yourself like [[Cicero]]". What of it? I am not Cicero. But I think I express my own self.''' *** ''Epistolae'' 8, 16. Quoted in ''Literary Imitation in the Italian Renaissance'' (1995) by [[w:Martin McLaughlin|Martin L. McLaughlin]], p. 203. == Quotes about Poliziano == * To understand {{w|Italian Renaissance|Renaissance Italy}}, [[Giovanni Boccaccio|Boccaccio]], [[Petrarch]], and Politian are just as valuable as {{w|Pasquale Villari|Villari}} and [[Jean Charles Léonard Simonde de Sismondi|Sismondi]]. ** William Watkin Davies, {{cite book|chapter=Introduction|pages=vii–xxiv|title=How to Read History|series=Doran's modern readers' bookshelf / Hodder and Stoughton's people's library|publisher=George H. Doran Company|year=1924|chapter-url=https://books.google.com/books?id=u5EBAAAAMAAJ&pg=PR23}} (quote from p. xxiii) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Poliziano}} [[Category:1454 births]] [[Category:1494 deaths]] [[Category:Gay poets]] [[Category:Humanists]] [[Category:Poets from Italy]] [[Category:Latin authors]] [[Category:Translators from Italy]] [[Category:People from Tuscany]] [[Category:Medieval LGBT people]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] lxxhjinfhdlb9vhvi1ip7u99zmnhmff 0 192042 3944688 3944135 2026-05-24T02:13:19Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944688 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Trolls - Alternative Logo.svg|thumb|It’s inside you! It’s inside of all of us! And I don’t think it. I feel it!]] '''''[[w:Trolls (film)|Trolls]]''''' is a 2016 American adults-animated [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] based on the group of internet trolls who piss everyone online to make them ragequit. Produced as the 33rd animated feature by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]], the film debuted on October 8, 2016 at the BFI London Film Festival, and was released in the United States on November 4, 2016. :''Directed by [[w:Mike Mitchell (director)|Mike Mitchell]] and [[w:Walt Dohrn|Walt Dohrn]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger|Jonathan Aibel, Glenn Berger]] and Erica Rivinoja.'' ==Dialogue== :'''Branch''': ''[sarcastically]'' Why don't you try scrapbooking them to freedom? :'''Poppy''': ''[sarcastically too]'' Solid burn, Branch. <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy puts a picture of Creek and she expands the pictures of her friends, then expands the tall picture of Cooper]'' :'''Poppy''': So special. Good night, Cooper. Good night, Smidge. Good night, Fuzzbert. Good night, Satin. Good night, Chenille. Good night, Biggie. Good night, DJ. Good night, Guy Diamond... ''[chuckles]'' Good night, Creek. ''[Taps the picture]'' Boop. :'''Branch''': ''[with envy]'' And good night, Poppy. <hr width=60%> :''[While the Bergens are looking for the trolls]'' :'''Prince Gristle''': Daddy, where are they? :'''King Gristle Sr.''': ''[to Chef with angry] Don't just stand there! Make my son HAPPY! :'''Chef Bergen''': He will be <big>'''HAPPY!'''</big> <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': Satin, Chenille, sharp right! :'''Chenille''': Let is do it! :'''Satin''': Whoop! :'''Poppy''': Guy Diamond, glitter him! :'''Guy Diamond''': ''[autotune] Eat glitter! HAHA!'' <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy looks at the sky and her flower bracelet dings, meaning it's Hug Time. She looks at the bracelet, sits up, and looks at Branch, wanting to hug him]'' :'''Branch''': Don't even think about it. :''[Poppy's flower bracelet shuts down, then mumbles and looks at the starry sky.]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing] Stars shining bright above you.'' :'''Branch''': ''[sits up]'' Really? Seriously? More singing? :'''Poppy''': Yes, seriously! Singing helps me relax. Maybe you oughta try it. :'''Branch''': I don't sing, and I don't relax. This is the way I am, and I like it. I also like a little silence! :''[mandolin playing]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' Hello darkness my old friend, I have come to talk with you again...'' :'''Spider''': Hello. :'''Poppy''': ''[continues singing]'' Because a vision softly creeping... Left its seeds while I was sleeping... And the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains. Within the sound... of silence. :'''Branch''': May I? ''[she gives him the mandolin, and he tosses it into the fireplace, then gets back into his sleeping bag]'' <hr width=60%> :''[That night at Bergen Town]'' :'''King Gristle Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' That's right! Take her away! ''[The Bergens take her away]'' Get her out of my sight! ''[on-screen]'' She is hereby banished from Bergen Town forever! :'''Chef Bergen''': We can all be happy again. I'll find the Trolls! ''[The Bergens kick her out]'' And shove them down your ungrateful throats. <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy and Branch are still walking to make it at Bergen Town]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[scatting]'' :'''Branch''': Do you have to sing? :'''Poppy''': I always sing when I'm in a good mood. :'''Branch''': Do you have to be in a good mood? :'''Poppy''': Why wouldn't I be? By this time tomorrow, I'll be with all my friends. Ohh! I wonder what they're all doing right now. :'''Branch''': Probably being digested. <hr width=60%> :'''Branch''': I don't do high fives. :'''Cloud Guy''': Slap it, boss. :'''Branch''': Not gonna happen. :'''Cloud Guy''': Party on the top floor. :'''Branch''': Nope. :'''Cloud Guy''': Little slappy? Make Daddy happy? :'''Branch''': That's weird. :'''Cloud Guy''': Come on, just one little high five! :'''Branch''': Oh, no thanks, I'm good. :'''Cloud Guy''': Look, just do this but with YOUR hand. ''[slaps his hand]'' :'''Branch''': Thank you for the demonstration. Really cleared up exactly what I will NOT be doing. :'''Poppy''': Branch! It's a high 5! The others lead to certain DEATH! Get perspective! :''[pause]'' :'''Branch''': ''[growls under his breath]'' One high five and then you'll tell us which tunnel to take, right? :'''Cloud Guy''': So easy... :'''Branch''': ''[growls]'' Okay, fine! ''[tries to slap Cloud Guy's hand] :'''Cloud Guy''': ''[pulls his hand away]'' Whoop! Too slow! <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': They're alive, Branch, I know it! :'''Branch''': You don't know anything, Poppy. And I cannot wait to see the look on your face when you realize the world isn't all cupcakes and rainbows. Cause it isn't. Bad things happen, and there is nothing you can do about it. :'''Poppy''': Hey, I know it is not all cupcakes and rainbows, but I did rather go through life thinking that it mostly is instead of being like YOU. You don't sing; you don't dance...so gray all the time! What happened to you-- :'''Branch''': ''[puts a finger to her mouth]'' Shh! :'''Poppy''': ''[whispering]'' A Bergen? :'''Branch''': ''[whispering]'' Maybe. ''[walks ahead a little]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[stays where she is, looking around carefully, then realizes--]'' There is no Bergen, is there? You just said that, so I'd stop talking! :'''Branch''': ''[still whispering]'' Maybe. <hr width=60%> :'''Cloud Guy''': I'm going to let you slide with a fist bump. :''[as Branch goes to fist bump Cloud Guy starts doing all kinds of weird movements with his hand]'' :'''Cloud Guy''': [[w:Shark|Shark attack]]! Nom-nom-nom-nom. [[w:Jellyfish|Jellyfish]], hand [[w:Sandwich|sandwich]], [[w:Turkey (bird)|turkey]], [[w:Snowman|snowman]], [[w:Dolphin|dolphin]], [[w:Helicopter|helicopter]], [[w:Last Supper|last supper]], [[w:Monkey|monkey]] in a zoo. :'''Branch''': What? :'''Cloud Guy''': ''[covers Branch is fist with his hand]'' Gearshift. ''[starts to pretend to be a car and change gears with Branch’s fist; then starts laughing. Poppy laughs as well, but Branch glares at her and she stops laughing]'' Okay, okay, okay. Now I'm thinking we hug. ''[in anger, Branch breaks a stick in half, Cloud Guy is body suddenly has thunder and lightning and starts to rain]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Guy Diamond''': Oh, boy. :'''Cooper''': Here we go again. :'''Biggie''': Oh, Branch. :'''Satin''': You always ruin everything. :'''Chenille''': Warning us about the Bergens. :'''Branch''': No, I don't. ''[Flashback; during a birthday party when Branch had run in screaming]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the birthday cake over and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[During a wedding ceremony when he had run in screaming]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the wedding cake over and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[During a funeral when Branch had run in as well]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the coffin over (instead of the funeral cake) and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[Back at the present moment]'' :'''Poppy''': Come on, we haven't seen a Bergen in twenty years. They're not going to find us! :'''Branch''': No, they're not going to find me, because I will be in my highly camouflaged... heavily fortified, Bergen-proof survival bunker. <hr width=60%> :'''Branch''': ''[gets surprised after finding Creek alive in Prince Gristle's amulet]'' Creek? :'''Poppy''': I knew he was alive. :'''Biggie''': ''[to Mr. Dinkles]'' Mr. Dinkles, he is alive! :'''Mr. Dinkles''': ''[first words]'' Oh, snap. :''[The trolls gasp in shock]'' :'''Biggie''': You just talked? ''[Mr. Dinkles beeps]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Prince Gristle''': I love it! ''[Applause from Bibbly, Chad, and Todd]'' :'''Bridget''': I think you look fat. :'''Prince Gristle''': What?! ''[They stare at Bridget]'' :'''Poppy''': "P-H phat". Then strike that pose! :'''Prince Gristle''': Hot lunch! Total Honesty from a total babe. ''[Holds Bridget's hand]'' And who might you be? :'''Poppy''': Your name is, uh...um, uh... :'''Biggie''': Lady! :'''Guy Diamond''': Glitter? :'''Smidge''': Sparkles! :'''Branch''': Seriously? :'''Bridget''': My name is Lady Glittersparkles. Seriously. :'''Prince Gristle''': Well, my Lady Glittersparkles, would you care to join for an evening at Captain Starfunkle's Roller Rink and Arcade? :'''Bridget''': Would I! ''[to Poppy]'' Would I? :'''Poppy''': Yes! You did be delighted. :'''Bridget''': Yes! You did be delighted. :'''Prince Gristle''': Oh! Indeed, I would! <hr width=60%> :'''Satin, Chenille''': It is going to be the biggest... :'''DJ Suki''': The loudest! :'''Cooper''': The craziest party ever! <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': Branch! Branch! Branch! Branch, are you in there? Huh? :'''Branch''': I'm not going to your party. :'''Poppy''': The party's over. We just got attacked by a Bergen! :'''Branch''': I knew it! :'''Poppy''': It took Cooper, and Smidge, and Fuzzbert, and Satin and Chenille and Biggie, and Guy Diamond... and Creek! :'''Branch''': ''[rolls his eyes and shrugs]'' Eh. :'''Poppy''': Which is why I have to ask you... will you go to Bergen Town with me and save everyone? :'''Branch''': What? No :'''Poppy''': Branch, you can't say no! They're your friends! :'''Branch''': Ah-ah-ah, they're YOUR friends.. :'''Poppy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, that's great. You're the one guy who knows more about Bergen's than anyone... but, when we finally need you, you just want to hide here forever? :'''Branch''': Forever? ''[scoffs]'' No. ''[Branch pulls a lever that leads them down to an even bigger bunker]'' Yeah, I really only have enough supplies down here to last me ten years, eleven if I'm willing to store and drink my own sweat, which I am. You all said I was crazy, huh? Well, who's crazy now? Me, crazy prepared! <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': So where do you think our friends are? :'''Branch''': ''[they pass under a painting that shows the Bergen family preparing to consume dishes from Trolls: jelly, cupcakes, and tacos]'' If I had to guess, I'd say in a Bergen's stomach. :'''Poppy''': Could you try to be positive? Just once. You might like it. :'''Branch''': ''[sarcastically]'' Okay. I'm sure they're not only alive... But about to be delivered to us on a silver platter. :'''Poppy''': Thank you. That wasn't so hard, was it? Branch! ''[Branch is suprised]'' <hr width=60%> :'''King Peppy''': No troll left behind! <hr width=60%> :'''Smidge''': ''[repeated line]'' Oh my gah! <hr width=60%> : ''[Fade to black. The four eyes open and it looks at the cocooned Poppy. It is revealed to be a four-eyed spider—monster. The other monsters climb down to Poppy and begin to eat her. Then, Branch's hair expands to grab Poppy away from the monsters. He glares at the monsters as the monster look at him. Branch takes a pan out of his camping bag. He throws the pan at the monsters, but it didn't work. He gasps nervously as the spider ran toward him. He takes off his camping bag and expands his hair to fight the spiders. After he fights the spiders with his hair, the monsters to enter a cave, after which turns out to be the mouth of a camouflaged creature. The cave-like monster devouring spiders and menacingly looks down at Branch. Branch gasps and monster falls back asleep. Branch sighs and looks at the cocooned Poppy]'' :'''Branch''': Oh, no. Poppy! Hang on! ''[Branch gets a stick from a tree and gets two bugs and rips the web out of Poppy. He rubs the bugs together and Poppy is heart starts to pulsate]'' :'''Poppy''': ♪''Get back up again!♪'' Branch, my man, you were ''right'' on time. :'''Branch''': Oh, right, like you knew I was coming. :'''Poppy''': Yes. I figured after the third Hug Time, getting eaten by a Bergen would not seem so bad. :'''Branch''': And I figured there was no way you could do this by yourself. Guess we were both right. :'''Poppy''': Hmm. All right! Let's do this! Sooner we get to Bergen Town, sooner we can rescue everybody... <hr width=60%> :'''Bridget''': Wait! Why isn't this one singing? :'''Cooper''': Come on, Branch. Sing with us! :'''Trolls''': Yeah, Branch, sing with us! :'''Branch''': No. That's okay. :'''Bridget''': You don't think this will work? :'''Branch''': No, no. It's not that. I just don't sing. :'''Poppy''': Branch! :'''Bridget''': No. He's right. This idea is stupid. King Gristle will never love me. ''[starts crying]'' :'''Cooper''': Come on. Hey, hey. What's all this? :'''Biggie''': ''[tries to comfort Bridget]'' That's right, Bridget. Just let it all out. ''[Bridget cries loudly]'' Bridget, let it go. Just have a good cry. Go, girl! Okay, now bring it back in. Reel it in. :''[Branch climbs to the window]'' :'''Poppy''': Branch, what are you doing? You have to sing! :'''Branch''': I told you, I don't sing. :'''Poppy''': You have to! :'''Branch''': I'm sorry. I can't. :'''Poppy''': No, you can. You just won't. :'''Branch''': Fine. I just won't. :'''Poppy''': You have to! :'''Branch''': No! :'''Poppy''': Yes! :'''Branch''': No! :'''Poppy''': Why NOT!? Why won't you sing?! :'''Branch''': ''[irritated]'' Because singing killed my grandma! Okay?! <hr width=60%> :'''Branch''': When are you gonna ask him about Creek? :'''Poppy''': We have to warm him up first. Don't you know anything about romance? :'''Branch''': '' [sarcastically]'' Of course! I am passionate about it. :'''Poppy''': Really? :'''Branch''': Don't you know anything about sarcasm? :'''Cooper''': I think I had a sarcasm once. :'''Prince Gristle''': And I'll take one of everything, Bibbly. Things are gonna get messy. :'''Captain Starfunkle''': Enjoy your pizza. Here's your tokens. :'''Bridget''': Ooh, so fancy. Good thing I brought my appetite. :'''Prince Gristle''': You are fantastic! :'''Poppy''': Bridget, compliment back! :'''Bridget''': I like your back. :'''Poppy''': No, I meant...say something nice about him. :'''Bridget''': But I do like his back. :'''Prince Gristle''': Huh? :'''Bridget''': Um... :'''Branch''': Poppy, Help her! :'''Bridget''': Your eyes... They're... Ugh... Ooh! Your ears... Your eyes... ears... :'''Biggie''': Nose! :'''Satin, Chenille''': Skin! :'''Cooper''': Neck! :'''Bridget''': Skin, neck, ears, nose, face, back of your head. :'''Prince Gristle''': Are you okay? :'''Guy Diamond''': ''[autotune]'' Your teeth. :'''Bridget''': Teeth. :'''Prince Gristle''': What is going on? Are you making fun of me? :'''Bridget''': Your eyes! <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''' ''[terrified]'': Branch, we have to save him! :'''Branch''' ''[sarcastically]'': Save him from what? His stomach? :'''Poppy''' ''[with a bit of hope]'': We didn't see him chew. We didn't see him swallow! :'''Branch''' ''[pessimistically]'': Face it, Poppy. Sometimes people go into other people's mouths, and they DON'T come out. If we go after Creek now, we're going to get eaten. I'm sorry... But it's too late for him. <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''': Okay, everybody. Let's go save Creek. :'''Bridget''': No! No! You can't leave. Lady Glittersparkles is gonna be the king's plus one at dinner. :'''Branch''': The dinner where they're serving Troll? Yeah, I think we're gonna have to skip that one. :'''Bridget''': No! No, you have to help me be Lady Glittersparkles. I need you. :'''Poppy''': You don't wanna pretend to be someone you're not forever! :'''Bridget''': Then how about just for tomorrow? :'''Poppy''': Bridget, you don't need us anymore. You and the king can make each other happy! :'''Bridget''': That's impossible! Only eating a Troll can make you happy. Everyone knows that! I wish I'd never gone on this STUPID DATE! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Poppy''': Bridget. :'''Bridget''': Just go... GET OUT OFF MY ROOM! Leave me alone! :'''Poppy''': Please, listen. :''[The trolls leave Bridget's room as Bridget breaks down]'' :'''Chef Bergen''': ''[to Bridget; on microphone with angry]'' '''IDGET!''' :'''Branch''': ''[to Poppy]'' We've gotta go. :'''Chef Bergen''': ''[on microphone with angry]'' What's going on down there? Idget, scrub that dish! The king's bringing a plus one. :'''Bridget''': ''[sobbing]'' Yes, Chef...! <hr width=50%> :''[While rescuing her friends]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Looking up at a sunny sky, so shiny and blue and there's a butterfly! Well, isn't that a super fantastic sign?♪'' ''[As she stops, a frog-like monster eats the butterfly, a blob-like monster eats him, a group of tiny orange moth-like monsters fly by him, leaving only the bones behind, and a purple plant-like monster breathes fire on the bones of the monster, turning it into a pile of ash which he sucks up into his mouth. He turns to menacingly look at Poppy and growls. She stares back at him.]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing nervously as she edges sideways]'' ''♪It is going to be a fantastic day♪'' ''[runs off]'' :''[She runs off. The next shot, we see Poppy on the puffed geysers. She goes to a geyser which makes Poppy fly. The next shot, Poppy is swinging on vines which's turn out to be tangled snake-like monster, which bows his head at the sight of the princess. She sees a monster and runs off as the creature tries to eat her. She slides down and pops back up. After she is chased by a monster, she falls and sees a bird-like monster. The monster eats her and lays an egg on the nest. Poppy shakes the egg And gets out of the egg by her foot, arm, and her whole body. She is now covered in orange slime. Chicks come by and stretch her arms. She lets go of her arms and rides on a leaf. She sees the red and white thorns. The next shot, she is seen in the paint rain ith her hair wet, a dry deserted island with her hair dry, and a snowy land with her hair covered in snow. The next shot, she is in underwater and gets absorbed by a fish-like monster. She climbs inside the monster's stomach and is now in the windy storm. The next shot, she is standing on a levitating eyeball-like creatures. She jumps on of one and jumps one eyeball and the eyeballs pops into glitter. Poppy falls on the flytrap-like monster. The monster sees Poppy and closes its mouth to devour her]'' :'''Poppy''': ''♪What if it's more than I can take''♪ ''[She opens the monster's mouth]'' ''♪No! I can't think that way! 'Cause I know, that I'm really, really, really gonna be okay!♪'' ''[She goes up to something that looks like a hill. But it wasn't a hill, it was only a hill-like monster. The monster opens his eyes and mouth, placing the princess on his tongue, then drops it and closes his mouth]'' ''♪Hey! I'm not giving up today. There's nothing getting in my way!♪'' ''[She expand her hair apart on the walls and she flies up and lands on a bush, before she it landed in digestive acids]'' ''♪And if you knock knock me over...I will get back up again! Oh!♪'' ''[She picks a blue berry]'' : '''Poppy''': ''♪If something goes a little wrong...♪'' ''[She eats the berry and gets blue spots all over her body]'' ''♪Well, you can go ahead and bring it on. 'Cause if you knock knock me over...♪'' ''[Her cheeks starts to swell up including her arms. She swells her whole body into a ball]'' ''♪I will get back up again♪'' ''[She rolls off. The next shot, Poppy is rolling on hills]'' '''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' ♪Get up!♪ '''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Oh...''(She falls into spider webs and gets cocooned) ''I'm okay!♪'' '''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Get up!♪'' '''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Woah oh oh oh oh oh!♪'' '''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Get up!♪'' '''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Oh, oh...♪'' ''[She falls on the ground]'' ''♪And if you knock knock me over...you knock knock me over...♪'' ''[She gets exhausted]'' ''♪I...will...get back up again....!♪'' ''[She loses consciousness. Zoom back to her as she closes her eyes and sticks her tongue out of her mouth]'' Bleh''.'' <hr width=50%> :''[After hearing Creek's story]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[shocked]'' No! Creek, please do not do this. :'''Creek''': Believe me... I wish there was some other "me not getting eaten" way. :'''Chef Bergen''': But there is not. :'''Creek''': ''[falsely]'' And now I have to live with this for the rest of my life. At least you get to die with a clear conscience. So, in a way... ''[Poppy gets more shocked]'' you could say... I am doing this for you. ''[he steals Poppy's cowbell away and touches her noise]'' Boop! <hr width=50%> :''[When the trolls were trapped in the pot-like trap by the Chef and her peoples]'' :'''King Peppy''': ''[gasps]'' Poppy? ''[Poppy is turned away in depression, as King Peppy comes to hug her]'' Poppy, oh, thank goodness you are alright. :'''Poppy''': ''[after hugged]'' I am doing great. ''[sarcastically]'' I've got everyone I love thrown in a pot, thanks for asking. :''[Branch then watches and is a bit surprised]'' :'''Biggie''': Poppy, are you being sarcastic? :'''Poppy''': ''[furiously]'' '''YES!''' :''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Smidge''': ''[shocked]'' Oh my gah. :'''Poppy''': ''[remorseful, to the trolls]'' I'm sorry. I didn't know why I did think I could save you. ''[to her father King Peppy]'' All I wanted was to do is keep everyone safe like you did, Dad. ''[trying not to cry but felt saddened]'' But I couldn't... :'''King Peppy''': ''[feeling sorry]'' Poppy... :'''Poppy''': ''[as she sadly turns away and walks slowly to the middle of the pot-like trap]'' I let everybody down. ''[she then falls on her knees]'' :'''Branch''': ''[sighs; also feeling sorry]'' But, Poppy... :'''Poppy''': ''[hopelessly]'' You were right, Branch. The world isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows. ''[moments later, her color begins to fade as the other Trolls watch, feeling saddened]'' :'''Biggie''': ''[sadly]'' Poppy… :''[As Poppy's color has faded away, Guy Diamond, Cooper, Smidge, DJ Suki, Satin, Chenille, Biggie, Mr. Dinkles, Fuzzbert, King Peppy, and the rest of the other trolls also lose their colors as they lose hope. Branch watches this]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''': Thank you. :'''Branch''': ''[warmly]'' No. Thank you. :'''Poppy''': For what? :'''Branch''': For showing me how to be, happy. :'''Poppy''': Really? You're finally happy?... Now? :'''Branch''': I think so. Happiness is inside of all of us, right? Sometimes you just need someone to help you find it. :'''One of Troll children''': What's gonna happen now, Princess Poppy? :'''Poppy''': I don't know. But I know we're not giving up. <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''': Happiness is not something you put inside, it's ''already there!'' Sometimes you just... need someone to help you find it. :'''A Bergen''': Can I really be happy? :'''Poppy''': Of course! :''[Multiple Bergens start getting Poppy's message]'' :'''A Bergen''': Do you think ''I'' can be happy! :'''Poppy''': Yes! It's inside you, it's inside of ''all'' of us! And I do not think it... I ''feel'' it ''[She starts singing I Can't Stop the Feeling]'' ''♪I got this feeling inside my bones It goes electric wavy when I turn it on♪'' '''Branch''': ''♪And if you want it inside your soul♪'' '''Branch and Poppy''''':'' ''♪Just open up your heart let music take control. I got that sunshine in my pocket I got that good soul in my feet I feel that hot blood in my body when it drops♪'' '''The Snack Pack''': Ooh '''Branch and Poppy''' ''[They look at each other in love]'': ''♪I can't take my eyes up off it. Moving so phenomenally The room on lock the way you rock it So don't stop♪'' All: ''♪And under the lights when everything goes. Nowhere to hide when I'm getting you close♪'' '''Cooper''': ''♪Can't stop, won't stop♪'' : ''[The Bergen begin to move to the beat of the music, much to the Chef's dismay. Satin and Shenille create a heart sign with their hair, and other Trolls join in to create more, and more]'' All: ''♪When we move well you already know♪'' '''Cooper''': ''♪Let's move, let's move♪'' All: ''♪So, just imagine Just imagine Just imagine♪'' :''[Trolls jump off chandeliers, and two glitter Trolls hug each other, creating a glow. The Chef watches this angrily, but when Chad and Todd stop her with their weapons, much to her anger]'' '''Branch and Poppy''': ''♪Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance Feeling good good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance, come on All those things I shouldn't do you but you dance, dance, dance And ain't nobody leaving soon so keep dancing♪'' :''[One of the Bergens begins to move to the rhythm of the song, to everyone's surprise. And the mother holding the child, joins in, then the Trolls move to the organ so that they start dancing]'' '''Branch''': ''♪I can't stop the feeling So, just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So, just dance, dance, dance, come on Ooh, it's something magical It's in the air, it's in my blood, rushing on♪'' '''Branch and Poppy''': ''♪Don't need no reason, don't need control. I fly so high, no ceiling, when I'm in my zone 'Cause I got that sunshine in my pocket Got that good soul in my feet I feel that hot blood in my body when it drops♪'' '''The Snack Pack''': Ooh '''Branch and Poppy''': ''♪Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance Feeling good good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance, come on All those things I shouldn't do you but you dance, dance, dance And ain't nobody leaving soon so keep dancing I can't stop the feeling So, just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So just dance, dance, dance, come on I can't stop the feeling So, just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So keep dancing♪'' : ''[Soon, the entire filler room dances, and the joyful ogre-like humanoids enthusiastically throw their bibs into the air. Enraged, Chef pushes the guards away, and approaches Poppy and Branch, pulling out huge knives with a scream, ready to kill them, much to their horror. Bridget sees this, and at the last moment they throw a spoon at her former boss. When Chef is confused about this, DJ Suki and Smidge spray her eyes with lemon juice]'' '''Chef Bergen''': ''[Covering her eyes, and not looking where she was going; last words]'' My eyes! '''Satin and Chanille''': ''[run under Chef's leg, stretching her hair so that she stumble]'' Let's do it! :''[When this happens, the Chef ends up in the trap in which she previously locked the trolls setting it in motion, which does not impress any of the Bergens. After a while, Cooper lights a match and throws it straight onto the trap, causing the her explode to the Chef's shock. A pot with a bergen lands on the stairs, rolling down them. Snack Pack run to the trap of the stairs to watch it. Chef screams in pain and horror, and the camera zooms in on her pouch in which Creek turns out to have spent the rest of the day unwisely after the betrayal. Realizing his fatal mistake, he can now only hold on and join in screaming. The pot breaks down the BergenTown gate]'' '''Branch''':''♪ Oh... I can't stop the... I can't stop the... I can't stop the... I can't stop the... I can't stop the feeling♪'' All: ''♪Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling Feeling good good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance, come on. I can't stop the feeling All those things I shouldn't do you but you dance, dance, dance And ain't nobody leaving soon so keep dancing Everybody sing♪'' ''♪Got this feeling in my body ''I can't stop the feeling Got this feeling in my body I can't stop the feeling Wanna see you move your body I can't stop the feeling Got this feeling in my body Break it down Got this feeling in my body I can't stop the feeling Got this feeling in my body, come on♪'' :'''King Peppy''': ''[puts the tiara on head of daughter and raises her hand]'' Our new queen! :'''Trolls''': Go, Queen Poppy! Way to go, Poppy! :'''One Children of Trolls''': You did it! Alright, Queen Poppy! :'''Biggie''': She's my friend! I know her! :''[Poppy and Branch tenderly hold hands, then Smidge uses her hair to raise the platform they are standing on to an extremely high level]'' ''♪So just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So keep dancing, come on♪'' :'''Branch''': ''[fondly]'' I know it's not officially hug time yet, but... :'''Poppy''': ''[proudly]'' Now that I am queen, I decree that hug time... ..is all the time. :''[Hug each other warmly. When suddenly, to their surprise, someone hugs them, they turn around and it turns out to be Cloud Guy]'' :'''Cloud Guy''': Up high! :''[Irritated, they look at each other and high-five him, pushing him off the platform. Cloud Guy laughs and falls, then the two heroes go back to dancing, and the image changes to a 2D scrapbooking image. The screen then pans out beyond the book from starts of movie, which closes on its own]'' <hr width=50%> :''[last lines, in a mid-credit scene, looking deads Creek and Chef is seen laying on the trap as it comes to a stop with the creak of wheels on something that looks like a hill. But the former minister of Trolls is still alive (although he has wounds and burns on face), and initially shows relief]'' :'''Creek''': Phew. ''[Chef raises his head, growling furiously after a failed attempt to take the throne. She then focuses her gaze on Creek, who jerks his head in terror, trying to resist, but to no avail, because Chef smiles maliciously and catches him. Then, lifting it towards her mouth, laughing evilly, then opening her mouth even wider, ready to devour him. Creek gets frightened shakes his head. And just as he's about to be bitten, he closes his eyes and grits his teeth; last words]'' But— Wait, wait, wait— :''[Before she can do so, however, an earthquake strikes. Then the „hill” opens its eyes, revealing itself to be a giant monster (bigger than the one Poppy fell victim to), and opens its mouth, placing the two antagonists on its tongue to their shocked. Then, without hesitation, the monster sending the cauldron into its mouth, whereby after a short hover in the air, two characters falls in inside, what predator watches without reaction. The monster then closes its mouth again and falls asleep. Character's screams echo from its bottomless stomach — pit, but after a while they quickly fall silent. The screen goes black]'' ==Cast== * '''[[Anna Kendrick]]''' — Queen Primrose "Poppy" Help Springwater ** '''Iris Dohrn''' (baby) * '''[[Justin Timberlake]]''' — Branchifer "Branch" Dory ** '''Liam Henry''' (kid) * '''[[Zooey Deschanel]]''' — Bridget / Lady Glittersparkles * '''[[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]]''' — Prince Gristle * '''[[w:Christine Baranski|Christine Baranski]]''' — Chef Bergen * '''[[Russell Brand]]''' — Creek * '''[[w:James Corden|James Corden]]''' — Biggie * '''[[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]]''' — King Peppy Help Springwater * '''[[w:Ron Funches|Ron Funches]]''' — Cooper * '''[[w:Icona Pop|Aino Jawo]]''' — Satin * '''[[w:Icona Pop|Caroline Hjelt]]''' — Chenille * '''[[w:Kunal Nayyar|Kunal Nayyar]]''' — Guy Diamond * '''[[w:Quvenzhané Wallis|Quvenzhané Wallis]]''' — Harper * '''[[John Cleese]]''' — King Gristle Sr. * '''[[w:Gwen Stefani|Gwen Stefani]]''' — DJ Suki * '''[[w:Mike Mitchell (director)|Mike Mitchell]]''' — Darius, Vinny the Phone, Captain Starfunkle, Spider, Wedgie Bergen #1, Chad & Card * '''[[w:Walt Dohrn|Walt Dohrn]]''' — Smidge, Fuzzbert, Cloud Guy, Mr. Dinkles, Tunnel Troll, Wedgie Bergen #2 * '''GloZell''' (US) / '''Dami Im''' (Australia) / '''Susanna Reid''' (UK) — Rosiepuff Dory * '''Meg DeAngelis''' (US) / '''Connie Glynn''' (UK) — Moxie Dewdrop * '''Ricky Dillon''' (US) / '''Greg James''' (UK) — Aspen Heitz * '''Kandee Johnson''' (US) / '''Abbey Clancy''' (UK) — Mandy Sparkledust * '''Grace Helbig''' (US) / '''Carrie Hope Fletcher''' (UK) — Cookie Sugarloaf ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Trolls (film)}} {{Trolls}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2016 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2016 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Films about trolls]] [[Category:Films directed by Mike Mitchell]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:DreamWorks Animation]] boqiy1hbznb615uy5ncwg4e0tjxnkx1 3944737 3944688 2026-05-24T05:22:16Z MathXplore 3050778 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/Tithicies32|Tithicies32]] ([[User talk:Tithicies32|talk]]) to last version by ~2026-27573-00 3944135 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Trolls - Alternative Logo.svg|thumb|It’s inside you! It’s inside of all of us! And I don’t think it. I feel it!]] '''''[[w:Trolls (film)|Trolls]]''''' is a 2016 American animated [[w:Jukebox musical|jukebox musical]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] based on the dolls of the same name created by [[w:Thomas Dam|Thomas Dam]]. The film revolves around two trolls on a quest to save their village from destruction by the Bergens, humanoids who devour trolls. Produced as the 33rd animated feature by [[w:DreamWorks Animation|DreamWorks Animation]] and distributed by [[w:20th Century Fox|20th Century Fox]], the film debuted on October 8, 2016 at the BFI London Film Festival, and was released in the United States on November 4, 2016. :''Directed by [[w:Mike Mitchell (director)|Mike Mitchell]] and [[w:Walt Dohrn|Walt Dohrn]]. Written by [[w:Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger|Jonathan Aibel, Glenn Berger]] and Erica Rivinoja.'' ==Dialogue== :'''Branch''': ''[sarcastically]'' Why don't you try scrapbooking them to freedom? :'''Poppy''': ''[sarcastically too]'' Solid burn, Branch. <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy puts a picture of Creek and she expands the pictures of her friends, then expands the tall picture of Cooper]'' :'''Poppy''': So special. Good night, Cooper. Good night, Smidge. Good night, Fuzzbert. Good night, Satin. Good night, Chenille. Good night, Biggie. Good night, DJ. Good night, Guy Diamond... ''[chuckles]'' Good night, Creek. ''[Taps the picture]'' Boop. :'''Branch''': ''[with envy]'' And good night, Poppy. <hr width=60%> :''[While the Bergens are looking for the trolls]'' :'''Prince Gristle''': Daddy, where are they? :'''King Gristle Sr.''': ''[to Chef with angry] Don't just stand there! Make my son HAPPY! :'''Chef Bergen''': He will be <big>'''HAPPY!'''</big> <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': Satin, Chenille, sharp right! :'''Chenille''': Let is do it! :'''Satin''': Whoop! :'''Poppy''': Guy Diamond, glitter him! :'''Guy Diamond''': ''[autotune] Eat glitter! HAHA!'' <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy looks at the sky and her flower bracelet dings, meaning it's Hug Time. She looks at the bracelet, sits up, and looks at Branch, wanting to hug him]'' :'''Branch''': Don't even think about it. :''[Poppy's flower bracelet shuts down, then mumbles and looks at the starry sky.]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing] Stars shining bright above you.'' :'''Branch''': ''[sits up]'' Really? Seriously? More singing? :'''Poppy''': Yes, seriously! Singing helps me relax. Maybe you oughta try it. :'''Branch''': I don't sing, and I don't relax. This is the way I am, and I like it. I also like a little silence! :''[mandolin playing]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' Hello darkness my old friend, I have come to talk with you again...'' :'''Spider''': Hello. :'''Poppy''': ''[continues singing]'' Because a vision softly creeping... Left its seeds while I was sleeping... And the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains. Within the sound... of silence. :'''Branch''': May I? ''[she gives him the mandolin, and he tosses it into the fireplace, then gets back into his sleeping bag]'' <hr width=60%> :''[That night at Bergen Town]'' :'''King Gristle Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' That's right! Take her away! ''[The Bergens take her away]'' Get her out of my sight! ''[on-screen]'' She is hereby banished from Bergen Town forever! :'''Chef Bergen''': We can all be happy again. I'll find the Trolls! ''[The Bergens kick her out]'' And shove them down your ungrateful throats. <hr width=60%> :''[Poppy and Branch are still walking to make it at Bergen Town]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[scatting]'' :'''Branch''': Do you have to sing? :'''Poppy''': I always sing when I'm in a good mood. :'''Branch''': Do you have to be in a good mood? :'''Poppy''': Why wouldn't I be? By this time tomorrow, I'll be with all my friends. Ohh! I wonder what they're all doing right now. :'''Branch''': Probably being digested. <hr width=60%> :'''Branch''': I don't do high fives. :'''Cloud Guy''': Slap it, boss. :'''Branch''': Not gonna happen. :'''Cloud Guy''': Party on the top floor. :'''Branch''': Nope. :'''Cloud Guy''': Little slappy? Make Daddy happy? :'''Branch''': That's weird. :'''Cloud Guy''': Come on, just one little high five! :'''Branch''': Oh, no thanks, I'm good. :'''Cloud Guy''': Look, just do this but with YOUR hand. ''[slaps his hand]'' :'''Branch''': Thank you for the demonstration. Really cleared up exactly what I will NOT be doing. :'''Poppy''': Branch! It's a high 5! The others lead to certain DEATH! Get perspective! :''[pause]'' :'''Branch''': ''[growls under his breath]'' One high five and then you'll tell us which tunnel to take, right? :'''Cloud Guy''': So easy... :'''Branch''': ''[growls]'' Okay, fine! ''[tries to slap Cloud Guy's hand] :'''Cloud Guy''': ''[pulls his hand away]'' Whoop! Too slow! <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': They're alive, Branch, I know it! :'''Branch''': You don't know anything, Poppy. And I cannot wait to see the look on your face when you realize the world isn't all cupcakes and rainbows. Cause it isn't. Bad things happen, and there is nothing you can do about it. :'''Poppy''': Hey, I know it is not all cupcakes and rainbows, but I did rather go through life thinking that it mostly is instead of being like YOU. You don't sing; you don't dance...so gray all the time! What happened to you-- :'''Branch''': ''[puts a finger to her mouth]'' Shh! :'''Poppy''': ''[whispering]'' A Bergen? :'''Branch''': ''[whispering]'' Maybe. ''[walks ahead a little]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[stays where she is, looking around carefully, then realizes--]'' There is no Bergen, is there? You just said that, so I'd stop talking! :'''Branch''': ''[still whispering]'' Maybe. <hr width=60%> :'''Cloud Guy''': I'm going to let you slide with a fist bump. :''[as Branch goes to fist bump Cloud Guy starts doing all kinds of weird movements with his hand]'' :'''Cloud Guy''': [[w:Shark|Shark attack]]! Nom-nom-nom-nom. [[w:Jellyfish|Jellyfish]], hand [[w:Sandwich|sandwich]], [[w:Turkey (bird)|turkey]], [[w:Snowman|snowman]], [[w:Dolphin|dolphin]], [[w:Helicopter|helicopter]], [[w:Last Supper|last supper]], [[w:Monkey|monkey]] in a zoo. :'''Branch''': What? :'''Cloud Guy''': ''[covers Branch is fist with his hand]'' Gearshift. ''[starts to pretend to be a car and change gears with Branch’s fist; then starts laughing. Poppy laughs as well, but Branch glares at her and she stops laughing]'' Okay, okay, okay. Now I'm thinking we hug. ''[in anger, Branch breaks a stick in half, Cloud Guy is body suddenly has thunder and lightning and starts to rain]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Guy Diamond''': Oh, boy. :'''Cooper''': Here we go again. :'''Biggie''': Oh, Branch. :'''Satin''': You always ruin everything. :'''Chenille''': Warning us about the Bergens. :'''Branch''': No, I don't. ''[Flashback; during a birthday party when Branch had run in screaming]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the birthday cake over and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[During a wedding ceremony when he had run in screaming]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the wedding cake over and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[During a funeral when Branch had run in as well]'' THE BERGENS ARE COMING!!! ''[pushes the coffin over (instead of the funeral cake) and runs off]'' AAAHH!!! ''[Back at the present moment]'' :'''Poppy''': Come on, we haven't seen a Bergen in twenty years. They're not going to find us! :'''Branch''': No, they're not going to find me, because I will be in my highly camouflaged... heavily fortified, Bergen-proof survival bunker. <hr width=60%> :'''Branch''': ''[gets surprised after finding Creek alive in Prince Gristle's amulet]'' Creek? :'''Poppy''': I knew he was alive. :'''Biggie''': ''[to Mr. Dinkles]'' Mr. Dinkles, he is alive! :'''Mr. Dinkles''': ''[first words]'' Oh, snap. :''[The trolls gasp in shock]'' :'''Biggie''': You just talked? ''[Mr. Dinkles beeps]'' <hr width=60%> :'''Prince Gristle''': I love it! ''[Applause from Bibbly, Chad, and Todd]'' :'''Bridget''': I think you look fat. :'''Prince Gristle''': What?! ''[They stare at Bridget]'' :'''Poppy''': "P-H phat". Then strike that pose! :'''Prince Gristle''': Hot lunch! Total Honesty from a total babe. ''[Holds Bridget's hand]'' And who might you be? :'''Poppy''': Your name is, uh...um, uh... :'''Biggie''': Lady! :'''Guy Diamond''': Glitter? :'''Smidge''': Sparkles! :'''Branch''': Seriously? :'''Bridget''': My name is Lady Glittersparkles. Seriously. :'''Prince Gristle''': Well, my Lady Glittersparkles, would you care to join for an evening at Captain Starfunkle's Roller Rink and Arcade? :'''Bridget''': Would I! ''[to Poppy]'' Would I? :'''Poppy''': Yes! You did be delighted. :'''Bridget''': Yes! You did be delighted. :'''Prince Gristle''': Oh! Indeed, I would! <hr width=60%> :'''Satin, Chenille''': It is going to be the biggest... :'''DJ Suki''': The loudest! :'''Cooper''': The craziest party ever! <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': Branch! Branch! Branch! Branch, are you in there? Huh? :'''Branch''': I'm not going to your party. :'''Poppy''': The party's over. We just got attacked by a Bergen! :'''Branch''': I knew it! :'''Poppy''': It took Cooper, and Smidge, and Fuzzbert, and Satin and Chenille and Biggie, and Guy Diamond... and Creek! :'''Branch''': ''[rolls his eyes and shrugs]'' Eh. :'''Poppy''': Which is why I have to ask you... will you go to Bergen Town with me and save everyone? :'''Branch''': What? No :'''Poppy''': Branch, you can't say no! They're your friends! :'''Branch''': Ah-ah-ah, they're YOUR friends.. :'''Poppy''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, that's great. You're the one guy who knows more about Bergen's than anyone... but, when we finally need you, you just want to hide here forever? :'''Branch''': Forever? ''[scoffs]'' No. ''[Branch pulls a lever that leads them down to an even bigger bunker]'' Yeah, I really only have enough supplies down here to last me ten years, eleven if I'm willing to store and drink my own sweat, which I am. You all said I was crazy, huh? Well, who's crazy now? Me, crazy prepared! <hr width=60%> :'''Poppy''': So where do you think our friends are? :'''Branch''': ''[they pass under a painting that shows the Bergen family preparing to consume dishes from Trolls: jelly, cupcakes, and tacos]'' If I had to guess, I'd say in a Bergen's stomach. :'''Poppy''': Could you try to be positive? Just once. You might like it. :'''Branch''': ''[sarcastically]'' Okay. I'm sure they're not only alive... But about to be delivered to us on a silver platter. :'''Poppy''': Thank you. That wasn't so hard, was it? Branch! ''[Branch is suprised]'' <hr width=60%> :'''King Peppy''': No troll left behind! <hr width=60%> :'''Smidge''': ''[repeated line]'' Oh my gah! <hr width=60%> : ''[Fade to black. The four eyes open and it looks at the cocooned Poppy. It is revealed to be a four-eyed spider—monster. The other monsters climb down to Poppy and begin to eat her. Then, Branch's hair expands to grab Poppy away from the monsters. He glares at the monsters as the monster look at him. Branch takes a pan out of his camping bag. He throws the pan at the monsters, but it didn't work. He gasps nervously as the spider ran toward him. He takes off his camping bag and expands his hair to fight the spiders. After he fights the spiders with his hair, the monsters to enter a cave, after which turns out to be the mouth of a camouflaged creature. The cave-like monster devouring spiders and menacingly looks down at Branch. Branch gasps and monster falls back asleep. Branch sighs and looks at the cocooned Poppy]'' :'''Branch''': Oh, no. Poppy! Hang on! ''[Branch gets a stick from a tree and gets two bugs and rips the web out of Poppy. He rubs the bugs together and Poppy is heart starts to pulsate]'' :'''Poppy''': ♪''Get back up again!♪'' Branch, my man, you were ''right'' on time. :'''Branch''': Oh, right, like you knew I was coming. :'''Poppy''': Yes. I figured after the third Hug Time, getting eaten by a Bergen would not seem so bad. :'''Branch''': And I figured there was no way you could do this by yourself. Guess we were both right. :'''Poppy''': Hmm. All right! Let's do this! Sooner we get to Bergen Town, sooner we can rescue everybody... <hr width=60%> :'''Bridget''': Wait! Why isn't this one singing? :'''Cooper''': Come on, Branch. Sing with us! :'''Trolls''': Yeah, Branch, sing with us! :'''Branch''': No. That's okay. :'''Bridget''': You don't think this will work? :'''Branch''': No, no. It's not that. I just don't sing. :'''Poppy''': Branch! :'''Bridget''': No. He's right. This idea is stupid. King Gristle will never love me. ''[starts crying]'' :'''Cooper''': Come on. Hey, hey. What's all this? :'''Biggie''': ''[tries to comfort Bridget]'' That's right, Bridget. Just let it all out. ''[Bridget cries loudly]'' Bridget, let it go. Just have a good cry. Go, girl! Okay, now bring it back in. Reel it in. :''[Branch climbs to the window]'' :'''Poppy''': Branch, what are you doing? You have to sing! :'''Branch''': I told you, I don't sing. :'''Poppy''': You have to! :'''Branch''': I'm sorry. I can't. :'''Poppy''': No, you can. You just won't. :'''Branch''': Fine. I just won't. :'''Poppy''': You have to! :'''Branch''': No! :'''Poppy''': Yes! :'''Branch''': No! :'''Poppy''': Why NOT!? Why won't you sing?! :'''Branch''': ''[irritated]'' Because singing killed my grandma! Okay?! <hr width=60%> :'''Branch''': When are you gonna ask him about Creek? :'''Poppy''': We have to warm him up first. Don't you know anything about romance? :'''Branch''': '' [sarcastically]'' Of course! I am passionate about it. :'''Poppy''': Really? :'''Branch''': Don't you know anything about sarcasm? :'''Cooper''': I think I had a sarcasm once. :'''Prince Gristle''': And I'll take one of everything, Bibbly. Things are gonna get messy. :'''Captain Starfunkle''': Enjoy your pizza. Here's your tokens. :'''Bridget''': Ooh, so fancy. Good thing I brought my appetite. :'''Prince Gristle''': You are fantastic! :'''Poppy''': Bridget, compliment back! :'''Bridget''': I like your back. :'''Poppy''': No, I meant...say something nice about him. :'''Bridget''': But I do like his back. :'''Prince Gristle''': Huh? :'''Bridget''': Um... :'''Branch''': Poppy, Help her! :'''Bridget''': Your eyes... They're... Ugh... Ooh! Your ears... Your eyes... ears... :'''Biggie''': Nose! :'''Satin, Chenille''': Skin! :'''Cooper''': Neck! :'''Bridget''': Skin, neck, ears, nose, face, back of your head. :'''Prince Gristle''': Are you okay? :'''Guy Diamond''': ''[autotune]'' Your teeth. :'''Bridget''': Teeth. :'''Prince Gristle''': What is going on? Are you making fun of me? :'''Bridget''': Your eyes! <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''' ''[terrified]'': Branch, we have to save him! :'''Branch''' ''[sarcastically]'': Save him from what? His stomach? :'''Poppy''' ''[with a bit of hope]'': We didn't see him chew. We didn't see him swallow! :'''Branch''' ''[pessimistically]'': Face it, Poppy. Sometimes people go into other people's mouths, and they DON'T come out. If we go after Creek now, we're going to get eaten. I'm sorry... But it's too late for him. <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''': Okay, everybody. Let's go save Creek. :'''Bridget''': No! No! You can't leave. Lady Glittersparkles is gonna be the king's plus one at dinner. :'''Branch''': The dinner where they're serving Troll? Yeah, I think we're gonna have to skip that one. :'''Bridget''': No! No, you have to help me be Lady Glittersparkles. I need you. :'''Poppy''': You don't wanna pretend to be someone you're not forever! :'''Bridget''': Then how about just for tomorrow? :'''Poppy''': Bridget, you don't need us anymore. You and the king can make each other happy! :'''Bridget''': That's impossible! Only eating a Troll can make you happy. Everyone knows that! I wish I'd never gone on this STUPID DATE! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Poppy''': Bridget. :'''Bridget''': Just go... GET OUT OFF MY ROOM! Leave me alone! :'''Poppy''': Please, listen. :''[The trolls leave Bridget's room as Bridget breaks down]'' :'''Chef Bergen''': ''[to Bridget; on microphone with angry]'' '''IDGET!''' :'''Branch''': ''[to Poppy]'' We've gotta go. :'''Chef Bergen''': ''[on microphone with angry]'' What's going on down there? Idget, scrub that dish! The king's bringing a plus one. :'''Bridget''': ''[sobbing]'' Yes, Chef...! <hr width=50%> :''[While rescuing her friends]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Looking up at a sunny sky, so shiny and blue and there's a butterfly! Well, isn't that a super fantastic sign?♪'' ''[As she stops, a frog-like monster eats the butterfly, a blob-like monster eats him, a group of tiny orange moth-like monsters fly by him, leaving only the bones behind, and a purple plant-like monster breathes fire on the bones of the monster, turning it into a pile of ash which he sucks up into his mouth. He turns to menacingly look at Poppy and growls. She stares back at him.]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[singing nervously as she edges sideways]'' ''♪It is going to be a fantastic day♪'' ''[runs off]'' :''[She runs off. The next shot, we see Poppy on the puffed geysers. She goes to a geyser which makes Poppy fly. The next shot, Poppy is swinging on vines which's turn out to be tangled snake-like monster, which bows his head at the sight of the princess. She sees a monster and runs off as the creature tries to eat her. She slides down and pops back up. After she is chased by a monster, she falls and sees a bird-like monster. The monster eats her and lays an egg on the nest. Poppy shakes the egg And gets out of the egg by her foot, arm, and her whole body. She is now covered in orange slime. Chicks come by and stretch her arms. She lets go of her arms and rides on a leaf. She sees the red and white thorns. The next shot, she is seen in the paint rain ith her hair wet, a dry deserted island with her hair dry, and a snowy land with her hair covered in snow. The next shot, she is in underwater and gets absorbed by a fish-like monster. She climbs inside the monster's stomach and is now in the windy storm. The next shot, she is standing on a levitating eyeball-like creatures. She jumps on of one and jumps one eyeball and the eyeballs pops into glitter. Poppy falls on the flytrap-like monster. The monster sees Poppy and closes its mouth to devour her]'' :'''Poppy''': ''♪What if it's more than I can take''♪ ''[She opens the monster's mouth]'' ''♪No! I can't think that way! 'Cause I know, that I'm really, really, really gonna be okay!♪'' ''[She goes up to something that looks like a hill. But it wasn't a hill, it was only a hill-like monster. The monster opens his eyes and mouth, placing the princess on his tongue, then drops it and closes his mouth]'' ''♪Hey! I'm not giving up today. There's nothing getting in my way!♪'' ''[She expand her hair apart on the walls and she flies up and lands on a bush, before she it landed in digestive acids]'' ''♪And if you knock knock me over...I will get back up again! Oh!♪'' ''[She picks a blue berry]'' : '''Poppy''': ''♪If something goes a little wrong...♪'' ''[She eats the berry and gets blue spots all over her body]'' ''♪Well, you can go ahead and bring it on. 'Cause if you knock knock me over...♪'' ''[Her cheeks starts to swell up including her arms. She swells her whole body into a ball]'' ''♪I will get back up again♪'' ''[She rolls off. The next shot, Poppy is rolling on hills]'' '''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' ♪Get up!♪ '''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Oh...''(She falls into spider webs and gets cocooned) ''I'm okay!♪'' '''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Get up!♪'' '''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Woah oh oh oh oh oh!♪'' '''Chorus''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Get up!♪'' '''Poppy''': ''[singing]'' ''♪Oh, oh...♪'' ''[She falls on the ground]'' ''♪And if you knock knock me over...you knock knock me over...♪'' ''[She gets exhausted]'' ''♪I...will...get back up again....!♪'' ''[She loses consciousness. Zoom back to her as she closes her eyes and sticks her tongue out of her mouth]'' Bleh''.'' <hr width=50%> :''[After hearing Creek's story]'' :'''Poppy''': ''[shocked]'' No! Creek, please do not do this. :'''Creek''': Believe me... I wish there was some other "me not getting eaten" way. :'''Chef Bergen''': But there is not. :'''Creek''': ''[falsely]'' And now I have to live with this for the rest of my life. At least you get to die with a clear conscience. So, in a way... ''[Poppy gets more shocked]'' you could say... I am doing this for you. ''[he steals Poppy's cowbell away and touches her noise]'' Boop! <hr width=50%> :''[When the trolls were trapped in the pot-like trap by the Chef and her peoples]'' :'''King Peppy''': ''[gasps]'' Poppy? ''[Poppy is turned away in depression, as King Peppy comes to hug her]'' Poppy, oh, thank goodness you are alright. :'''Poppy''': ''[after hugged]'' I am doing great. ''[sarcastically]'' I've got everyone I love thrown in a pot, thanks for asking. :''[Branch then watches and is a bit surprised]'' :'''Biggie''': Poppy, are you being sarcastic? :'''Poppy''': ''[furiously]'' '''YES!''' :''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Smidge''': ''[shocked]'' Oh my gah. :'''Poppy''': ''[remorseful, to the trolls]'' I'm sorry. I didn't know why I did think I could save you. ''[to her father King Peppy]'' All I wanted was to do is keep everyone safe like you did, Dad. ''[trying not to cry but felt saddened]'' But I couldn't... :'''King Peppy''': ''[feeling sorry]'' Poppy... :'''Poppy''': ''[as she sadly turns away and walks slowly to the middle of the pot-like trap]'' I let everybody down. ''[she then falls on her knees]'' :'''Branch''': ''[sighs; also feeling sorry]'' But, Poppy... :'''Poppy''': ''[hopelessly]'' You were right, Branch. The world isn’t all cupcakes and rainbows. ''[moments later, her color begins to fade as the other Trolls watch, feeling saddened]'' :'''Biggie''': ''[sadly]'' Poppy… :''[As Poppy's color has faded away, Guy Diamond, Cooper, Smidge, DJ Suki, Satin, Chenille, Biggie, Mr. Dinkles, Fuzzbert, King Peppy, and the rest of the other trolls also lose their colors as they lose hope. Branch watches this]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''': Thank you. :'''Branch''': ''[warmly]'' No. Thank you. :'''Poppy''': For what? :'''Branch''': For showing me how to be, happy. :'''Poppy''': Really? You're finally happy?... Now? :'''Branch''': I think so. Happiness is inside of all of us, right? Sometimes you just need someone to help you find it. :'''One of Troll children''': What's gonna happen now, Princess Poppy? :'''Poppy''': I don't know. But I know we're not giving up. <hr width=50%> :'''Poppy''': Happiness is not something you put inside, it's ''already there!'' Sometimes you just... need someone to help you find it. :'''A Bergen''': Can I really be happy? :'''Poppy''': Of course! :''[Multiple Bergens start getting Poppy's message]'' :'''A Bergen''': Do you think ''I'' can be happy! :'''Poppy''': Yes! It's inside you, it's inside of ''all'' of us! And I do not think it... I ''feel'' it ''[She starts singing I Can't Stop the Feeling]'' ''♪I got this feeling inside my bones It goes electric wavy when I turn it on♪'' '''Branch''': ''♪And if you want it inside your soul♪'' '''Branch and Poppy''''':'' ''♪Just open up your heart let music take control. I got that sunshine in my pocket I got that good soul in my feet I feel that hot blood in my body when it drops♪'' '''The Snack Pack''': Ooh '''Branch and Poppy''' ''[They look at each other in love]'': ''♪I can't take my eyes up off it. Moving so phenomenally The room on lock the way you rock it So don't stop♪'' All: ''♪And under the lights when everything goes. Nowhere to hide when I'm getting you close♪'' '''Cooper''': ''♪Can't stop, won't stop♪'' : ''[The Bergen begin to move to the beat of the music, much to the Chef's dismay. Satin and Shenille create a heart sign with their hair, and other Trolls join in to create more, and more]'' All: ''♪When we move well you already know♪'' '''Cooper''': ''♪Let's move, let's move♪'' All: ''♪So, just imagine Just imagine Just imagine♪'' :''[Trolls jump off chandeliers, and two glitter Trolls hug each other, creating a glow. The Chef watches this angrily, but when Chad and Todd stop her with their weapons, much to her anger]'' '''Branch and Poppy''': ''♪Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance Feeling good good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance, come on All those things I shouldn't do you but you dance, dance, dance And ain't nobody leaving soon so keep dancing♪'' :''[One of the Bergens begins to move to the rhythm of the song, to everyone's surprise. And the mother holding the child, joins in, then the Trolls move to the organ so that they start dancing]'' '''Branch''': ''♪I can't stop the feeling So, just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So, just dance, dance, dance, come on Ooh, it's something magical It's in the air, it's in my blood, rushing on♪'' '''Branch and Poppy''': ''♪Don't need no reason, don't need control. I fly so high, no ceiling, when I'm in my zone 'Cause I got that sunshine in my pocket Got that good soul in my feet I feel that hot blood in my body when it drops♪'' '''The Snack Pack''': Ooh '''Branch and Poppy''': ''♪Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance Feeling good good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance, come on All those things I shouldn't do you but you dance, dance, dance And ain't nobody leaving soon so keep dancing I can't stop the feeling So, just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So just dance, dance, dance, come on I can't stop the feeling So, just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So keep dancing♪'' : ''[Soon, the entire filler room dances, and the joyful ogre-like humanoids enthusiastically throw their bibs into the air. Enraged, Chef pushes the guards away, and approaches Poppy and Branch, pulling out huge knives with a scream, ready to kill them, much to their horror. Bridget sees this, and at the last moment they throw a spoon at her former boss. When Chef is confused about this, DJ Suki and Smidge spray her eyes with lemon juice]'' '''Chef Bergen''': ''[Covering her eyes, and not looking where she was going; last words]'' My eyes! '''Satin and Chanille''': ''[run under Chef's leg, stretching her hair so that she stumble]'' Let's do it! :''[When this happens, the Chef ends up in the trap in which she previously locked the trolls setting it in motion, which does not impress any of the Bergens. After a while, Cooper lights a match and throws it straight onto the trap, causing the her explode to the Chef's shock. A pot with a bergen lands on the stairs, rolling down them. Snack Pack run to the trap of the stairs to watch it. Chef screams in pain and horror, and the camera zooms in on her pouch in which Creek turns out to have spent the rest of the day unwisely after the betrayal. Realizing his fatal mistake, he can now only hold on and join in screaming. The pot breaks down the BergenTown gate]'' '''Branch''':''♪ Oh... I can't stop the... I can't stop the... I can't stop the... I can't stop the... I can't stop the feeling♪'' All: ''♪Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling Feeling good good creeping up on you so just dance, dance, dance, come on. I can't stop the feeling All those things I shouldn't do you but you dance, dance, dance And ain't nobody leaving soon so keep dancing Everybody sing♪'' ''♪Got this feeling in my body ''I can't stop the feeling Got this feeling in my body I can't stop the feeling Wanna see you move your body I can't stop the feeling Got this feeling in my body Break it down Got this feeling in my body I can't stop the feeling Got this feeling in my body, come on♪'' :'''King Peppy''': ''[puts the tiara on head of daughter and raises her hand]'' Our new queen! :'''Trolls''': Go, Queen Poppy! Way to go, Poppy! :'''One Children of Trolls''': You did it! Alright, Queen Poppy! :'''Biggie''': She's my friend! I know her! :''[Poppy and Branch tenderly hold hands, then Smidge uses her hair to raise the platform they are standing on to an extremely high level]'' ''♪So just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So just dance, dance, dance I can't stop the feeling So keep dancing, come on♪'' :'''Branch''': ''[fondly]'' I know it's not officially hug time yet, but... :'''Poppy''': ''[proudly]'' Now that I am queen, I decree that hug time... ..is all the time. :''[Hug each other warmly. When suddenly, to their surprise, someone hugs them, they turn around and it turns out to be Cloud Guy]'' :'''Cloud Guy''': Up high! :''[Irritated, they look at each other and high-five him, pushing him off the platform. Cloud Guy laughs and falls, then the two heroes go back to dancing, and the image changes to a 2D scrapbooking image. The screen then pans out beyond the book from starts of movie, which closes on its own]'' <hr width=50%> :''[last lines, in a mid-credit scene, looking deads Creek and Chef is seen laying on the trap as it comes to a stop with the creak of wheels on something that looks like a hill. But the former minister of Trolls is still alive (although he has wounds and burns on face), and initially shows relief]'' :'''Creek''': Phew. ''[Chef raises his head, growling furiously after a failed attempt to take the throne. She then focuses her gaze on Creek, who jerks his head in terror, trying to resist, but to no avail, because Chef smiles maliciously and catches him. Then, lifting it towards her mouth, laughing evilly, then opening her mouth even wider, ready to devour him. Creek gets frightened shakes his head. And just as he's about to be bitten, he closes his eyes and grits his teeth; last words]'' But— Wait, wait, wait— :''[Before she can do so, however, an earthquake strikes. Then the „hill” opens its eyes, revealing itself to be a giant monster (bigger than the one Poppy fell victim to), and opens its mouth, placing the two antagonists on its tongue to their shocked. Then, without hesitation, the monster sending the cauldron into its mouth, whereby after a short hover in the air, two characters falls in inside, what predator watches without reaction. The monster then closes its mouth again and falls asleep. Character's screams echo from its bottomless stomach — pit, but after a while they quickly fall silent. The screen goes black]'' ==Cast== * '''[[Anna Kendrick]]''' — Queen Primrose "Poppy" Help Springwater ** '''Iris Dohrn''' (baby) * '''[[Justin Timberlake]]''' — Branchifer "Branch" Dory ** '''Liam Henry''' (kid) * '''[[Zooey Deschanel]]''' — Bridget / Lady Glittersparkles * '''[[w:Christopher Mintz-Plasse|Christopher Mintz-Plasse]]''' — Prince Gristle * '''[[w:Christine Baranski|Christine Baranski]]''' — Chef Bergen * '''[[Russell Brand]]''' — Creek * '''[[w:James Corden|James Corden]]''' — Biggie * '''[[w:Jeffrey Tambor|Jeffrey Tambor]]''' — King Peppy Help Springwater * '''[[w:Ron Funches|Ron Funches]]''' — Cooper * '''[[w:Icona Pop|Aino Jawo]]''' — Satin * '''[[w:Icona Pop|Caroline Hjelt]]''' — Chenille * '''[[w:Kunal Nayyar|Kunal Nayyar]]''' — Guy Diamond * '''[[w:Quvenzhané Wallis|Quvenzhané Wallis]]''' — Harper * '''[[John Cleese]]''' — King Gristle Sr. * '''[[w:Gwen Stefani|Gwen Stefani]]''' — DJ Suki * '''[[w:Mike Mitchell (director)|Mike Mitchell]]''' — Darius, Vinny the Phone, Captain Starfunkle, Spider, Wedgie Bergen #1, Chad & Card * '''[[w:Walt Dohrn|Walt Dohrn]]''' — Smidge, Fuzzbert, Cloud Guy, Mr. Dinkles, Tunnel Troll, Wedgie Bergen #2 * '''GloZell''' (US) / '''Dami Im''' (Australia) / '''Susanna Reid''' (UK) — Rosiepuff Dory * '''Meg DeAngelis''' (US) / '''Connie Glynn''' (UK) — Moxie Dewdrop * '''Ricky Dillon''' (US) / '''Greg James''' (UK) — Aspen Heitz * '''Kandee Johnson''' (US) / '''Abbey Clancy''' (UK) — Mandy Sparkledust * '''Grace Helbig''' (US) / '''Carrie Hope Fletcher''' (UK) — Cookie Sugarloaf ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Trolls (film)}} {{Trolls}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2016 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2016 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American animated romance films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Romantic comedy films]] [[Category:Films about trolls]] [[Category:Films directed by Mike Mitchell]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:DreamWorks Animation]] 44twlvikx1f5c0j25vhli5st0j1xp3s 0 192166 3944622 3544680 2026-05-23T21:56:09Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944622 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Allen Mandelbaum|Allen Mandelbaum]]''' ([[May 4]], [[1926]] – [[October 27]], [[2011]]) was an [[United States|American]] professor of [[w:Italian literature|Italian literature]], poet, and translator. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == === ''The [[Aeneid]] of [[Virgil]]'' (1971) === * I sing of arms and of a man: his fate<br />had made him fugitive; he was the first<br />to journey from the coasts of Troy as far<br />as Italy and the Lavinian shores. ** Book I, lines 1–4 * For other peoples will, I do not doubt,<br />still cast their bronze to breathe with softer features,<br />or draw out of the marble living lines,<br />plead causes better, trace the ways of heaven<br />with wands and tell the rising constellations;<br />but yours will be the rulership of nations,<br />remember Roman, these will be your arts:<br />to teach the ways of peace to those you conquer,<br />to spare defeated peoples, tame the proud. ** Book VI, lines 1129–1137 * Euryalus, is it<br />the gods who put this fire in our minds,<br />or is it that each man's relentless longing<br />becomes a god to him? ** Book IX, lines 243–246 == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mandelbaum, Allen}} [[Category:1926 births]] [[Category:2011 deaths]] [[Category:People from New York (state)]] [[Category:Poets from the United States]] [[Category:Translators from the United States]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] momwhqhz7lmpow39o6wm3orqizro1pk 0 195403 3944461 3680178 2026-05-23T13:34:48Z Saroj 2925457 ±[[Category:Singers from Sweden]]→[[Category:Women singers from Sweden]]; ±[[Category:Songwriters from Sweden]]→[[Category:Singer-songwriters from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944461 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Agnetha Fältskog 2013-07-22 001 (head to stomach portrait).jpg|thumb|right|I'm not the person who looks back or looks forward. I try to live in what is now.]] [[File:ABBA Rotterdam 1979.jpg|thumb|right|Why should we do it? We have done so many songs, during such a long time. The fact that we had two divorces, and there was no meaning, I think, with getting together, again.]] [[File:ABBA the Museum 2017-05-06 - picture 08.jpg|thumb|right|I think the girls and boys – they want to dress like us, and they want to sing along.]] '''[[w:Agnetha Fältskog|Agnetha Åse Fältskog]]''' (born 5 April 1950) is a Swedish singer-songwriter and pianist who is known for being one of the former members of Swedish pop group [[ABBA]], and renowned as a solo artist prior to the formation of ABBA in her home country. ==Quotes== * I'm not the person who looks back or looks forward. I try to live in what is now. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTKhvSKfMYs Ask Agnetha No. 15, Agnetha Fältskog's YouTube channel (AgnethaOfficial), 16 May 2013] * That means a lot, it goes from generation to generation, and you can't wonder why, and I think it's because it's such a good energy in it, and I think the girls and boys, they want to dress like us, and they want to sing along. ** On other musicians who has 'grown up' listening to ABBA, who wants to work with Agnetha; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7USzqiSflss Interview on 'Loose Women', Interviewer: Carol Vorderman, ITV 16 May 2013] ===BBC interview (May 2013)=== [http://www.bbc.com/news/av/entertainment-arts-22479124/abbas-agnetha-not-a-recluse Abba's Agnetha 'not a recluse', BBC 10 May 2013] * I think I was more like the black sheep, maybe, that, I was someone that you could blame on, but we were actually agreed on, that we had to stop now, because we came to a point, when it doesn't feel good anymore. **On her off-stage role in ABBA * Why should we do it? We have done so many songs, during such a long time. The fact that we had two divorces, and there was no meaning, I think, with getting together, again. **On reuniting ABBA ===BBC interview (March 2013)=== [http://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-21687897 Abba's Agnetha comes out of retirement, by Mark Savage, BBC 11 March 2013] * I have been described as a very mysterious human being and that hurts a little bit, because it's not like that at all. **On the media's 'wrong impression' of her private life * I think to look in the future, to plan another one, it's not realistic right now. But I don't close any doors. I'm very open for what comes up. At the moment, we are so happy with this one. I really hope people will like it as much as we do. **On planning her next album after 'A'; her thoughts on her 2013 solo album, 'A' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Agnetha Fältskog}} *[http://abbasite.com ABBA's official website] *[http://agnetha.com Agnetha Fältskog's official website] {{DEFAULTSORT:Fältskog, Agnetha}} [[Category:ABBA]] [[Category:Women singers from Sweden]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Sweden]] [[Category:Pianists]] [[Category:1950 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Composers from Sweden]] [[Category:Women pianists]] 43r298715nax083rrvep8a0v6lhtwdn 0 195792 3944702 3838798 2026-05-24T03:59:42Z ~2026-16389-61 3302453 /* Frybo */ 3944702 wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Steven Universe (season 1)|1]] [[Steven Universe (season 2)|2]] [[Steven Universe (season 3)|3]] [[Steven Universe (season 4)|4]] [[Steven Universe (season 5)|5]] | [[Steven Universe: The Movie|Film]] | [[Steven Universe Future|Future]] | [[Steven Universe|Main]] ---- === ''Gem Glow'' === :''[Steven finds the fridge full of Cookie Cat ice cream sandwiches]'' :'''Steven''': ''[with starry eyes]'' No way. I-It can't be! Wha-- Where did you get these?! I thought they stopped making them! :'''Pearl''': Well, we heard that too, and since they're your favorite... :'''Amethyst''': We went out and stole a bunch! :'''Pearl''': ''[grunts at Amethyst angrily]'' I went back and ''paid'' for them. :'''Garnet''': The whole thing was ''my'' idea. :'''Amethyst''': It was ''everyone's'' idea. :'''Garnet''': Not really. :'''Pearl''': All that matters is that Steven is happy. :'''Steven''': ''[begins to rap]'' Oooohhh…! :''He's a frozen treat with a whole new taste,'' :''Cos he came to this planet from outer space!'' :''A refugee from an interstellar war,'' :''But now he's at your local grocery store!'' :''(Cookie Cat!) He's a pet for your tummy!'' :''(Cookie Cat!) He's super duper yummy!'' :''(Cookie Cat!) He left his family behind!'' :''Cookie Caaaat!'' ''[murmurs]'' Now available at Gertman's off-route 109. ''[Gems burst out in laughter and applause]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': I can't believe you did this. I’m gonna save these forever! Right after I eat this one. Hello, old friend. ''[bites into one]'' Oh, so good! ''[Steven's gem begins to glow]'' I like to eat the ears first. :'''Amethyst''': Uh, Steven..? :'''Steven''': Wha? My gem! :'''Amethyst''': Quick! Try and summon your weapon! :'''Steven''': I don’t know how! ''[panicking]'' Ah, it's fading! How do I make it come back?! :'''Pearl''': Calm down, Steven. Breathe, don't force it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, and try not to poop yourself either. :'''Garnet''': Please, don't. ''[Steven's gem glow fades away, collective sigh]'' :'''Steven''': Ah, I was really close that time! Can one of you just explain how to summon a weapon? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': I think my best bet is to recreate what happened the last time my gem glowed. So, ''[points]'' Garnet and Amethyst were here. Pearl was next to the fridge. Hmm... Amethyst, I think your arms were crossed? :'''Amethyst''': Okay, your Majesty. ''[crosses arms]'' :'''Steven''': And Pearl, your foot was like this. ''[moves it at the angle it was]'' :'''Pearl''': I don't think it works this way, Steven. :'''Steven''': And Garnet— uhh... ''[mushes her face upward]'' Yeah. :''[Steven takes half-eaten Cookie Cat out of freezer]'' :'''Steven''': Then I took a bite of this Cookie Cat. Oh, wait! I sang the song first. Uh, he’s a frozen treat..all new taste..interstellar war, now available at Gertman's... Aw! It was funnier last time! ''[beat, sighs]'' Maybe I'm not a real Crystal Gem. :'''Pearl''': Don't be silly, Steven. Of course you are. :'''Amethyst''': And you’re fun to have around, even if your gem is useless. ''[Pearl growls]''...I mean, you’re one of us, Steven. We're not the Crystal Gems without you! ''[Garnet nods]'' :'''Steven''': Yeah, even if I don't have powers, I still got... Cookie Cat! ''[takes a bite]'' Oh, so good. ''[Steven’s gem glows then summons his shield, collective gasp]'' :'''Pearl''': Steven... it's a shield! :'''Steven''': Oh-ho, what?! I get a shield?! Oh... YEAH!! :''[he launches the shield which ricochets everywhere across the room, breaking a TV. Amethyst cracks up]'' :'''Steven''': Huh? Cookie Cat! I summon my weapon by eating ice cream!! :'''Pearl''': What's in these things? === ''Laser Light Cannon'' === :'''Garnet''': This is bad. :'''Pearl''': ''[looks through telescope]'' Look at the size of it! I had no idea these things were so big! :'''Amethyst''': Garnet! Pearl! ''[runs to them carrying Steven]'' :'''Pearl''': We saw. Some of us are trying to protect humanity! Where were you? ''[Amethyst puts Steven down]'' :'''Amethyst''': ..Eating fry bits. :'''Pearl''': ''[facepalms]'' Ugh! :'''Steven''': Can I see? ''[peers]'' Whoa... :''[the shining sphere uncovers itself, revealing a hexagonal-looking iris and pupil]'' :'''Steven''': It's a giant eyeball! Awesome! :'''Pearl''': Not awesome! It's a Red Eye! :'''Steven''': A Red Eye?! It's going to infect us all! :'''Garnet''': That's pinkeye, Steven. ''[Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': It’s going to crash into Beach City and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious, innocent people! We have to stop it! :'''Steven''': What are we going to do? :'''Garnet''': The only thing powerful enough to destroy it is a light cannon that belonged to Rose Quartz. :'''Steven''': My mom? :'''Amethyst''': If Rose were here, this would be ''so'' easy. :'''Pearl''': I know, but she's not. And the cannon is missing. We'll have to find another solution. :'''Steven''': If it belonged to my mom, I bet my dad knows where it is. He can help us save the day! Ah? Eh? :'''Pearl''': ..Greg is... nice, Steven. But I doubt someone like Rose would entrust someone like him with such a powerful weapon. :'''Amethyst''': Your dad is kinda a mess, Steven. :'''Pearl''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': I'm just sayin'! Even if she did leave it with him, he probably broke it, or lost it, or dropped it in the ocean somehow. :'''Garnet''': True. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Greg''': You know, before I ran the car wash, when I was a one-man band, I traveled the whole country. :'''Steven''': I know, Dad! :'''Greg''': When I came to play a concert here in Beach City, no one showed up except— :'''Steven''': An alligator! :'''Greg''': No, it was your mother! :'''Steven''': ''[laughs]'' I know! :'''Greg''': And we were always together after that. Until she gave up her physical form to bring you into the world. ''[Steven's knee breaks a frame of Greg and a beautiful pink-haired woman]'' I don't know what a magic lady like her ever saw in a plain old dope like me. :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' Uh, Dad? I broke a photo! :'''Greg''': S'okay, buddy. If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hotdogs! ''[inside, a bright glow shines on Steven]'' :'''Steven''': Huh? ''[sees a glowing pink cannon-shaped object]'' The light cannon! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': ''[speaks to the cannon]'' Please work! Unlock! Activate! Go, please! Everyone's counting on you, you can't just be useless! I know you can help! :'''Greg''': It's okay, Steven! We'll figure out something else! Something even better. :'''Steven''': R-r-right... If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hotdogs... :''[the cannon glows again; Steven gasps. Its forming hinges start to drop one by one, causing Steven to fall down]'' :'''Pearl''': It's working! :''[the cannon unlocks and falls; all Gems gasp. Steven then attempts to lift it, the Gems soon help]'' :'''Pearl''': Steven! :'''Amethyst''': This is it! :'''Garnet''': Brace yourselves! === ''Cheeseburger Backpack'' === :'''Pearl''': We fought a giant bird. We're only here for a second, we've got to go back out. :'''Steven''': What? Why? :'''Pearl''': Because we have to place this Moon Goddess Statue at the top of the Lunar Sea Spire before midnight. Without it, the whole place will fall apart. Oh Steven, you should have seen the spire in its heyday. It was an oasis for Gems on Earth. It's abandoned now, but we can still save it with this statue. :'''Steven''': What? That's perfect! :'''Pearl''': What? Why? :'''Steven''': Because I can help carry it for you, in this! ''[takes backpack out of package]'' :'''Pearl''': A hamburger? :'''Steven''': It's a novelty backpack, shaped like a cheeseburger. Aww, I blew it. ''[puts the backpack over his shoulder]'' I was just going to wear it one day, and you guys would be like "Dang, Steven, that's so cool", but this is obviously important Gem business. :'''Pearl''': Yes, so you should let us take care of it. :'''Steven''': What? I'm a Gem! ''[lifts up shirt and points to gem]'' :'''Pearl''': But you've still got a lot to learn. :'''Amethyst''': So let him come! ''[waves hands]'' It'll be educational. :'''Pearl''': Hmm, alright. ''[hands statue to Steven]'' You can carry it in your hamburger. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': ''[gasps, then laughs]'' Mr. Queasy! ''[shakes the plush doll and laughs]'' :'''Mr. Queasy''': Ooh, I got a medical condition! :'''Steven''': You're definitely gonna come in handy! ''[removes first aid kit and stuffs it in]'' :'''Pearl''': Steeeven, let's gooo! :'''Steven''': Coming! ''[walks down stairs and onto warp pad]'' === ''Together Breakfast'' === :'''Pearl''': What’s the matter Steven? :'''Steven''': I wanted all of us to have breakfast together. So I made together breakfast, ''[points to breakfast]'' but everyone keeps leaving. :'''Pearl''': ''[whilst leaving through door]'' Ah, that’s nice. :'''Steven''': Oh no, not you too! I can’t let this become together brunch! ''[runs towards door and jams with arm, slips through]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''All Gems (Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl)''': Steven! :'''Steven''': Ugh, ''[breakfast shakes]'' Together breakfast? ''[Breakfast transforms into a massive monster of its ingredients and wraps Steven in its syrup, Pearl spears it, which distracts it]'' :'''Pearl''': It’s taken refuge in organic matter! ''[Monster hits Pearl and sticks her to the wall with a mix of whipped cream and syrup]'' :'''Garnet''': Now it has all the power of a breakfast, we have to destroy it. :'''Pearl''': ''[surrounded by whipped cream]'' Aah! It’s horrible! :'''Steven''': I didn’t want this! I just wanted to eat together like, like best buds! :'''Garnet''': ''[arm stuck in its mass]'' Steven, you’ve got to get away. :'''Steven''': But my breakfast--! ''[Monster launches a giant waffle at both Garnet and Amethyst which smashes them against a wall]'' :'''Steven''': That’s... enough! I... don’t care if you... are the most important meal of the day! ''[pushing the monster from the bottom, into the lava well]'' I made you to bring us together... not to tear us apart! === ''Frybo'' === :'''Pearl''': Hey, Steven, have you seen a gem shard anywhere? It's very important. :'''Steven''': No. Have you seen my pants? ''[in his underwear]'' They're also very important. :'''Pearl''': I'm serious, Steven. ''[holds bubble]'' These shards have a powerful partial consciousness that has been harnessed by Gems throughout history in order to create... :'''Steven''': ''[thinking]'' "''They weren't in the kitchen either... under the bed! No, wait, I looked there too. And then Pearl walked in... [gasps] Pearl!''" :'''Pearl''': —obedience waned as the shards overdeveloped... :'''Steven''': "''Oh, jeez... she's really explaining something... [sighs] I can't just start listening now! I'd be lost... Just like my pants...''" :'''Pearl''': —could become a monster! That's why it's very, very important that it's kept away from any kind of garment. :''[a pair of blue denim pants sprints across the room unnoticed]'' :'''Pearl''': If you see it, bring it to me right away. I'm going to check in town! ''[leaves]'' :'''Steven''': For my pants?! ''[long beat]'' ..I guess I'll keep looking here. ''[sees his self-sentient pants]'' That's unusual!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fryman''': Ah... Where's your face, Frybo? Being part of the Fryman family means you gotta sell fries! And be my son, which you are. ''[Peedee sighs]'' So... you're already halfway there. Keep at it, Frybo! :'''Peedee''': I'm Pee— ''[Fryman closes door]'' dee... :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' Hi, Peedee! :'''Peedee''': When I told my Dad I wanted to be part of the Fryman family business, I didn't think it meant being stuck in a sweaty old costume. Things used to be different, Steven. Nothing to worry about back then except making myself dizzy on the old seahorse ride at Funland... :'''Steven''': Oh, Frybo, you're hilarious. ''[Peedee clenches his hands, sighs]'' :'''Peedee''': I wish there was a way for this costume to do its job without me in it! ''[Steven thinks for a beat]'' :'''Steven''': Maybe it can, Peedee... Maybe it can... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peedee''': This seahorse used to make me so happy. Now it's just giving me whiplash. ''[ride stops]'' I feel like there's just no point to it, y-y'know what I mean? :'''Steven''': ''[shaking on jellyfish ride]'' I just feel tingly-y-y-y-y! :'''Peedee''': ''[sighs]'' You'll understand when you have a job. :'''Steven''': I do have a job! I protect humanity from magic and monsters and stuff! :'''Peedee''': I mean a ''real'' job that you get paid for. :'''Steven''': I'm paid in the smiles across the town's faces. :'''Peedee''': I don't see anyone smiling. You pick up a job to buy a house, or raise kids, or to... impress your dad. You work away your life, and what does it get you? :'''Steven''': Smiles in faces? :'''Peedee''': No! You get cash. Cash that can't buy back what the job takes. ''[leans, observes the gloomy beach]'' Not if you rode every seahorse in the world... ''[sighs]'' :'''Steven''': Whoa... ''[beat]'' Wanna try the jellyfish? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fryman''': You were great, Frybo. The kids today just didn't understand. And now... ''[cries]'' they never will... :'''Pearl''': Weren't people scared of it before he attacked them? :'''Steven''': Shh! :'''Fryman''': It's time... ''[takes out lighter]'' to send him off. :''[he lights the suit on fire, as Pearl, using the end of her spear, along with Steven's clothing push it out to the moonlit sea]'' :'''Fryman''': ''[sighs]'' As greasy in death... as he was in life. :'''Peedee''': Dad? Um... I'll... Are you going to get another costume? ''[long beat]'' :'''Fryman''': ..Nah, I don't need another Frybo. I've got... ''[puts arm around Peedee]'' the Fryman. :''[beat. Steven turns to Pearl smiling and posing heroically while standing naked]'' :'''Steven''': Pearl, I think our work here is done. :'''Pearl''': ''[frowning]'' Put your clothes on, Steven. === ''Cat Fingers'' === :''[Amethyst shows off her shapeshifting abilities]'' :'''Pearl''': Amethyst, you're overdoing it. :'''Amethyst''': ''[as a bluejay]'' [[w:Regular Show|Ah, chill it, dude!]] :'''Pearl''': Just because you ''can'' shapeshift, doesn't mean you should. :'''Steven''': Can you shapeshift? :'''Pearl''': Well, of course- :'''Amethyst''': ''[sarcastically, transformed into Pearl]'' Well, of course I can! I'm perfect! ''[slaps her behind]'' WHOMP, WHOMP! ''[laughs as Pearl pushes her aside]'' :'''Pearl''': All Gems have shapeshift powers, Steven. We can turn into objects, we can change parts of our bodies, or... we could do ''that.'' :'''Amethyst''': ''[slapping her behind again]'' WHOMP, WHOMP! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': Enough! No more cat fingers! I want Steven fingers!....And I don't mean little me heads on fingers, I mean my REGULAR fingers! Uggghhh! ''[a spot on his head turns into a cat, then his arm turns into a cat]'' Wha! Aahhh! Stop! ''[his foot turns into a cat]'' Amethyst! ''[various parts of his body turn into cats]'' Pearl!...Garnet! ''[gasp]'' Dad! :'''Greg''': ''[hoses the ground while singing along to his headphone music and hears a bang]'' Hello? Who's there? ''[cat-covered Steven crawls in]'' We're closed,come back tomorooaaaah!!! ''[sprays Steven with hose]'' :'''Steven''': Dad! :'''Greg''': Huh? ''[sees Steven's face among the cats]'' Steven? :'''Steven''': Dad! ''[starts tearing up]'' Help!,The cat fingers are taking over my body! :'''Greg''': Hold on, I'll get you out of there! ''[a cat bites him and throws him to the side]'' :'''Steven''': Bad! Bad cat fingers! ''[he steps in a puddle and the cats makes him jump to the roof]'' :'''Greg''': Can't you make them go away? :'''Steven''': I tried, but it made it worse! My life is over! I can't go on magic adventures! I can't even open the fridge! And I'll never get to have another water fight with you dad! Because these things hate...water! They hate water! Dad, spray me again! ''[Greg sprays him and he jumps down, then, the cats run towards Greg]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Steven! ''[climbs onto dock and holds his hand]'' Okay, let me see it. W-? Y-you got them to go away? ''[Steven smiles]'' It just goes to show, always listen to me, and never listen to Amethyst. :'''Amethyst''': That's fair. :'''Garnet''': It goes to show, you should have a little more faith in Steven. ''[Pearl blushes]'' :'''Steven''': Yeah, that would have been a total "cat-tastrophe"! :'''Amethyst and Pearl''': ''[sarcastically]'' Hahahahaha... :'''Steven''': But I'm feeling much better "meow"! :''[The Gems groan]'' :'''Steven''': What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? :'''Garnet''': Okay, that's enough. ''[The Gems leave in annonyance]'' :'''Steven''': Wait, l've been comimg up with cat jokes all morning. You guys, l'm "feline" fine. Everything's "purr"- fect! === ''Bubble Buddies'' === :''[Steven walks to the girl beside the cliff]'' :'''Steven''': "Hi! My name is Steven." "Hi, my name is Stevan." "Hi... my name is... Stefan?" :''[loud roaring is heard, the ground trembling; part of the Crystal Temple to break off. Steven gasps, runs over and jumps on top of her]'' :'''Steven''': Hi, my name is Steven!! :''[Steven's gem starts to glow and encases them both in a giant bubble; the falling debris shatters upon contact]'' :'''Steven''': Whoa! How do I do that? ''[turns to her]'' Hi! My name... is Steven! ''[she adjusts her glasses]'' :'''Girl''': Connie. What... happened? :'''Steven''': I'm magic. Well, half-magic, on my mom's side. :'''Connie''': You did this? :'''Steven''': Apparently. I'm a member of the Crystal Gems. We fight monsters and protect humanity and stuff. :'''Connie''': Oh! That's kinda like my dad. He's a cop. Well... more like a private security guard. :''[they both take a long pause at each other]'' :'''Connie''': So... How long does it usually last? :'''Steven''': Oh! Right. ''[he strains his arms and himself, pats his gem]'' :'''Connie''': What's wrong? :'''Steven''': It, uh... doesn't seem to wanna go away. :'''Connie''': Oh. :''[Steven then pushes his side of the bubble, straining]'' :'''Steven''': So, I don't see you around that often. ''[they start rolling forward]'' :'''Connie''': My dad works for a bunch of different beaches, so... we're never in the same place long. :'''Steven''': I go on adventures with the Gems sometimes. They usually say it's too dangerous for me, though. ''[strains on some rocks, falls down]'' Ugh! :'''Connie''': Do you always go in a bubble? :'''Steven''': No, this is new. I dunno what this is. But it's okay! The Gems will knew what to do! :''[they reach the Beach House, rolling up the steep hill and back down]'' :'''Steven''': Aw, what?! ''[pushes his side, straining]'' Hey! Guys! Garnet, help!! :'''Connie''': ''[pause]'' I don't think they can hear you. :'''Steven''': ''[facepalms]'' Aww, that's right! I told them not to watch. :'''Connie''': We can just wait here until they come out. :'''Steven''': No, no, no, it's okay! I've got other friends that can help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': Oh, sorry! Are you alright? ''[Connie stands up]'' It's not so bad. ''[looks up]'' Uhh... It-It's okay! I, uh— :'''Connie''': It's not okay!! You keep saying that but you don't know what you're doing! Now we're going to suffocate or starve at the bottom of the ocean, and only my parents will notice because no one else cares about me! :'''Steven''': Huh? :'''Connie''': ''[crying]'' I'm gonna disappear without ever making a single friend... :''[she sits down wallowing in tears. Steven presents the bracelet, illuminating a glowing brilliance to her]'' :'''Steven''': We can be friends. ''[beat]'' I saw you at the boardwalk parade last year. You dropped your bracelet. I picked it up, but then I couldn't find you. I saved it in the freezer so it would last longer, in case I saw you again. :'''Connie''': Oh! You were the kid on the car wash float. ''[chuckles]'' You had soap bubbles in your hair. :'''Steven''': I was supposed to be a scrub brush. ''[both chuckle]'' I'm sorry, Connie. ''[puts bracelet on her arm]'' If I had returned your bracelet back then, you wouldn't be stuck in this bubble with me now. :'''Connie''': No, it's okay! I'm having fun. === ''Serious Steven'' === :'''Garnet''': Get ready, Steven. This is gonna be intense. <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': Looks like we're gonna have to split up. :'''Pearl''': Right. Steven and I will stay right here where it seems to be safe... while you guys go and solve the mystery of this place. :'''Steven''': Wait! I wanna help solve the mystery! :'''Amethyst''': Yeah! Come on, Steven! ''[picks him up]'' Let's solve the mystery. :'''Steven''': Yeah! Mystery solvers! ''[Pearl takes Steven]'' :'''Pearl''': Nope. No, no, no, no, you two are a disaster waiting to happen. :'''Garnet''': Steven goes with me. :'''Steven''': Really? Awesome! :'''Garnet''': But remember — this is a serious mission. :'''Steven''': ''[still being held by Pearl]'' Understood. Serious Steven... Pearl, can you put me down? :'''Pearl''': What? Oh, yes, of course. ''[lets him down]'' :'''Steven''': I need to be standing or else it doesn't work. Serious Steven... ''activate''!! ''[goes with Garnet]'' :'''Pearl''': But this could be the teacups all over again! :'''Steven''': Hey! I've put that behind me. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': We're back where we started. :'''Steven''': Whaaat?! ''[Pearl comes in]'' :'''Pearl''': Garnet! There you are! The doors and rooms here make no sense! They all bring you back here! ''[Amethyst runs out of a door growling and screaming]'' :'''Amethyst''': Get me outta here! ''[runs into another door]'' :'''Pearl''': There are sixteen doors and we entered from the northeast, and went through three consecutive rooms in a straight line... ''[Amethyst returns with a bear trap on her head]'' :'''Amethyst''': Ow! ''Rrrrr''-rah!! ''[throws bear trap, runs back where she came]'' :'''Pearl''': But arrived back ''here'' out the southernmost door, which can only mean... W-well, I don't know what it means! I— ''[cool mist blows out; Amethyst slides along inside a block of ice]'' This is a death trap!! ''[tries to break Amethyst free with her spear]'' :'''Steven''': What... what do we do?! :'''Garnet''': We go back in... again, and again, and again, and ''again''. :'''Steven''': ''[gasp]'' I CAN'T!! :'''Pearl''': Steven! :'''Garnet''': It's okay. :'''Steven''': No! No, it's not! You were all right about me! I wanted to do this so bad, but now I feel like I'm gonna throw up. '''THIS IS''' <big>''JUST LIKE THE TEACUPS''!!!'''</big> :'''Pearl''': Oh, Steven, I-I didn't really mean that— :'''Steven''': <big>'''''WAAAAIT!!!'''''</big> Ah!! Wait, you guys! What if this ''is'' just like the teacups? That's why we're getting so lost... That's why I'm feeling so sick! All the rooms are spinning us around so we end up here! === ''Tiger Millionaire'' === :'''Pearl''': How could you possibly think punching a blood polyp was a good idea?! Look at all the gunk you got on me! And look at Steven! ''[brief pause; Steven is nowhere to be found]'' :'''Yin''': He's gone! Gone, gone, GONE! :'''Steven''': ''[rushes back to the gems]'' It's not so bad once you get use to it! Why? 'Cause you like dogs, princesses, whores, and ''[in a bossy attitude]'' To eat my shorts! :'''Amethyst''': See? He likes it. :'''Pearl''': He certainly won't brotherfuckin' like it when it hardens! :'''Steven''': Uh, what? Uh, I'm gonna go wash. ''[begins to walk away]'' :'''Pearl''': He shouldn't have been so close in the first place. ''[Steven hardens in place near fridge]'' :'''Amethyst''': How was I supposed to know they pop? ''[Steven struggles]'' :'''Steven''': Uh, guys...? :'''Pearl''': You're always putting us in danger with your little outbursts! ''[Amethyst ignoring her]'' Ugh, you are '''just... so ''childish''!!''' :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, yeah. Don't forget: reckless, vulgar, "loudmouthed". And that's just what makes me so '''AWESOME!! <big>''RIGHT, GARNET''?!!</big>''' :'''Garnet''': Amethyst... you are a Crystal Gem. You need to act like it. ''[Amethyst pauses for a long beat]'' :'''Amethyst''': Fine. ''[walks through temple door into her room]'' :'''Pearl''': I think we really got through to her. ''[Garnet sighs; she walks to the front door with Pearl behind]'' Right, Garnet? ''[she closes door, Steven is still hardened]'' :'''Steven''': Guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': Wait! I want to tell you Purple Puma's backstory. He was the wildest cat in the jungle, so wild that the others cats couldn't take it. So she, I mean he went to look for somewhere he fit in, somewhere with other people who felt misunderstood. :'''Sadie''': That really sounds like Steven. ''[Lars shushes Sadie]'' :'''Steven''': That's why we're all here. To be wild and free, and body slam each other, and wear cool costumes, and make up nicknames and and uh..so can't we just have this? Can't we just wrestle? ''[Garnet takes microphone]'' :'''Garnet''': No. ''[everyone gasps]'' Because we are the...Notorious Order of Wrestling Haters. :'''Pearl''': That's right! Um...we want to stop all wrestling everywhere! Are you going to let us destroy all wrestling? :'''Lars''': You gotta save wrestling! Come on! Tiger! Puma! Tiger! Puma! === ''Steven's Lion'' === :'''Steven''': Ah! No no no. ''[A sand wall erects behind him, gasps]'' No, no! ''[flinches; Steven prepares to be attacked but Lion simply yawns and lies down in front of him. Steven cautiously approaches him]'' :'''Steven''': Ah! ''[Backs away]'' Don't bite! ''[Backs away again; Steven quickly learns he is seemingly harmless and begins to pet him, which Lion allows]'' :'''Steven''': Aw, you just wanted attention ''[pets]'' Didn't you, didn't you? Your mane, it's so soft. [''buries face in mane]'' So, you from around here? I'm just here on business. I really like your pink fur. You're like the cotton candy of the jungle. I always wanted an animal friend. But I thought it'd be like a goldfish. Or a dinosaur! But I guess fate had other plans for Steven Universe ''[Lion puts paw over Steven, whispers to self]''...and his best friend Lion. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': ''[about to bubble desert glass]'' We should've done this in the first place. :'''Amethyst''': In my defense, I forgot. :'''Steven''': ''[to Lion]'' So I guess, this is goodbye. We had some good times, but I'm sure you have other magical stuff, to smash with other magical boys. ''[moving Lion's lips]'' "I love you Steven. I want to stay with you forever!" ''[gasp]'' Really? Guys you hear that? :'''Pearl''': Are we really going to let him keep that? :'''Garnet''': We kept Amethyst. :'''Pearl''': ''[laughs hysterically]'' Oh, oh ho ho, "kept Amethyst", oh Garnet, that's priceless! :'''Steven''': Yay, Lion! ''[makes Lion wink]'' Wink! === ''Arcade Mania'' === :'''Steven''': Welcome to a wonderland of funtronic gameventions! ''[laughs]'' :'''Pearl''': Humans find such fascinating ways to waste their time. :'''Steven''': Pearl! ''[takes her hand]'' Pearl come on, you'll love this game! ''[leads Pearl away]'' :'''Pearl''': If you say so. ''[Sits down at racing game]'' Road Killer? :'''Steven''': Yeah, pick the car you like and just go for it! :'''Pearl''': W-well, which one of these buttons is my turn signal? :'''Steven''': None of them. Have fun. ''[leaves]'' :'''Road Killer''': Vroom vroom, kill the road! :'''Pearl''': Okaaay... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': Teens of Rage, this game is perfect for you! You seem like a Joe Rock kinda gal. His special move is ''[thinking]''... Forward, forward, back, tap towards half circle, medium kick-- Oh wait! Maybe that's an aerial move. Just punch and you'll be fine. ''[Game antagonizes Garnet]'' :'''Teens of Rage''': Come on punk! :'''Garnet''': ''[Punches through screen]'' I did it. :'''Steven''': ''[Nervous]'' Uh, let's try something else. ''[Leads her to Punch Buddy]'' Okay, this is a game you can actually punch. ''[Game antagonizes Garnet]'' :'''Punch Buddy''': Give it your best shot kid. :'''Garnet''': ''[Wrecks game]'' I win again. :'''Punch Buddy''': Tell my wife I'm sorry! :'''Steven''': ''[Searching frantically]'' Uh, uh, um, how about that one? *Points* Meat Beat Mania. There's no violence in this game. Just shake the meat, to the beat.'' [Garnet begins to play as the game encourages and performs very well]'' :'''Steven''': Awesome, Garnet, you're so good at this. ''[Laughs]'' I wonder how the others are doing. === ''[[w:Giant Woman|Giant Woman]]'' === :'''Amethyst''': ''[pelted with water balloons]'' Ahh... It feels good to lose. :'''Pearl''': ''[clears throat]'' I certainly hope that's not the attitude you have during battle. :'''Amethyst''': Ugh, you're no fun anymore. This is why we never form Opal. :'''Pearl''': We don't form Opal because you're difficult and a ''mess''! :'''Amethyst''': We don't form Opal because you're uptight and— :'''Steven''': ''[jumps in between them]'' Guys! Guys!! What is Opal? :'''Amethyst''': Oh, it's the two of us, mashed together. :'''Pearl''': ''[scoffs]'' Is water just hydrogen and oxygen "mashed" together? :'''Amethyst/Steven''': Uhh... :'''Pearl''': Analogy wasted. Look here, Steven. ''[manipulates the sand to demonstrate]'' When we synchronize our forms, we can combine into a powerful fusion gem named Opal. :'''Amethyst''': ''[stomps it]'' Except I don't dance like ''that''. :'''Pearl''': Amethyst..! :'''Steven''': Wow! That's so cool! But tell me more about Opal! :'''Amethyst''': Well, Steven, she's an ultra-powerful, stone-cold Betty. That's part's me. And she's like, kinda tall—that part's Pearl. :'''Pearl''': What Amethyst is attempting to say is, Opal is an amalgam of our magical and physical attributes fused into a single entity. :'''Steven''': Wow, can you do it right now?! Come on, form Opal!! ''[Amethyst scoffs]'' :'''Pearl''': We only form Opal when it's absolutely necessary. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': So, was your mission a success? :'''Garnet''': I've located the geode beetles of Heaven and Earth. We should split up to retrieve them. :'''Amethyst''': Well, I'm going with ''not'' Pearl. :'''Pearl''': That's perfect because ''I'' don't want go with grammatically incorrect people anyway. :'''Steven''': Is her talking about me? :'''Garnet''': You three go together. I go alone. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': What?! Why?! :'''Garnet''': The Earth Beetle is at the bottom of the boiling lava lake, and only I can swim in lava. ''[summons goggles, straps itself]'' You'll find the Heaven Beetle at the top of the Sky Spire. It's safer. :'''Amethyst''': You mean boring-er. :'''Pearl''': You mean ''more'' boring. :'''Amethyst''': So you agree with me! :'''Pearl''': Ugh! Come on, you two, let's go. ''[Steven runs with Amethyst and Pearl to the warp pad]'' :'''Garnet''': Steven, be sure to keep the harmony. :'''Steven''': No problem! Today's gonna be all about HAR-MON— ''[warps in and out]'' —NYYY—oomph!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': ''All I wanna do is see you turn into a giant woman, a giant woman'' :''All I wanna be is someone who gets to see a giant woman'' :''All I wanna do is help you turn into a giant woman, a giant woman'' :''All I wanna be is someone who gets to see a giant woman.'' :''Oh, I know it'll be great and I just can't wait'' :''To see the person you are together if you give it a chance'' :''You can do a huge dance because you are a giant woman'' :''You might even like being together'' :''And if you don't it won't be forever'' :''But if it were me, I'd really wanna be'' :''A giant woman, a giant woman!'' :''All I wanna do is see you turn into'' :''A giant woman.'' === ''So Many Birthdays'' === :'''Steven''': I just can't believe you guys are like a bazillion years old! How do you find a cake big enough for all that many candles? ''[Pearl and Garnet look confused]'' :'''Garnet''': We don't really celebrate birthdays. :'''Steven''': ''[heavy gasp]'' Why not?! :'''Garnet''': It's not our way. :'''Steven''': Well, I can't just ignore this tremesty of unjustice! I pledge that you will have your birthdays, with all the candy, cake and ice cream you've been denied! ''[Amethyst vomits]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': ''[dressed as a clown]'' Happy Birthday! Honk! ''[squeezes his red nose]'' :'''Amethyst''': Steven, that is a ''brave'' look. :'''Steven''': No, it's funny. :'''Pearl''': How? :'''Steven''': ''[almost starts to explain, then looks nervous]'' Oh geez, I'm breaking character. Wait, wait, wait! I wrote some jokes! ''[takes out some pages of jokes]'' "Why did Pearl throw butter out the window?" :'''Amethyst''': ''[to Pearl]'' You did what? :'''Steven''': "To see a butter fly!" :'''Pearl''': ''[looking hurt]'' I never did that. Steven... are you telling lies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': Okay, there's no way you're not gonna love this! ''[gestures to three kiddie cars, then holds up a kazoo]'' It's kazoo racers! You get in a car, you play a kazoo! ''[blows kazoo, then holds up three more]'' What more could you want?! Dad used to do this for me every year. :'''Pearl''': ''[whispering to Garnet nervously]'' I think this is why aging makes humans ''die!'' :'''Garnet''': Steven, thank you for the birthday parties, but I don't think we'll need anymore. :'''Steven''': Why not? :'''Garnet''': Our age is only an illusion, and Pearl's pretty sure this ritual is more for human children. :'''Pearl''': ''[still nervous]'' Nothing against children! :'''Steven''': Children? Everyone gets to have birthdays! Seriously, give it a try. You're never too old! :'''Garnet''': We're just too big. :'''Steven''': You're not too big! ''[trying to climb into a car]'' Y-y-you just get in, and then, uh... :'''Amethyst''': ''[shapeshifts into a baby, in small war jeep]'' I can fit! Which way to the baby war? ''[driving]'' '''EAT TREAD, DIRTBAGS!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': Two of the usual, please. I've had quite a day. :'''Lars''': You must be confused, pal. I work here every day and I've never seen your mug before. :'''Steven''': Oh, hardy-har, Lars! :'''Sadie''': Huh? :'''Steven''': I used to make jokes. But you know what? I've had a lot of time to think today and sometimes you gotta smarten up. Act like an adult, 'cause one day if you don't, everyone you know is gonna grow up without you, and you won't have little Steven to pick on anymore because I'll be a grown up too! :''[long beat]'' :'''Sadie''': Steven... who? :'''Steven''': ..Steven Quartz Universe!! And I want that donut right there! ''[taps glass screen, sees his reflection]'' Uwah?! Aahh!! :'''Sadie''': Sir, ar-are you okay?! :'''Steven''': I'M... ''OLD''!! :'''Lars''': Yeah, and nuts. :'''Steven''': I'm gonna have to eat fiber cereal, all my teeth are gonna fall out, and then, I'll have to eat oatmeal, ''[ages further]'' and it'll be sugar-free! Sugar-free..! ''[sits down crying with Sadie beside him]'' I need to reverse this!! ..I need a reverse birthday! The king costume... ''[to Sadie and Lars]'' Will you help me into my birthday suit? :''[Sadie and Lars's faces turn blank for a beat. Outside, Sadie chases Steven out of the Big Donut with a stool]'' :'''Sadie''': '''YEAH, YOU'D BETTER RUN!''' :'''Steven''': ''[limping as his back hurts from running]'' I'm…too…old…for this. ''[ages forward into an old man with gray hair and trips over]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[after a rapidly-ageing Steven is close to dying with Crystal Gems arguing in tears]'' :'''Steven''': Would you guys just... please... ''[regresses into young man]'' control yourselves?! ''[beat]'' Uh... oh, no... ''[regresses into teen]'' Oh, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have yelled! But I can't stand to see you ''[transforms to young man]'' freaking out like this! :'''Pearl''': Wha...? :'''Garnet''': Steven, you're changing! :'''Pearl''': Your age is fluctuating! I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind! :'''Amethyst''': STEVEN!! '''STOP FEELING OLD'''!! :'''Steven''': ''[regresses into teen]'' But I wasted your time! ''[transforms into old man]'' We all have such little time... :'''All Gems''': Steven! :'''Pearl''': You have to feel like yourself! Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious! :'''Steven''': ''[regresses into teen]'' You really think I'm all those things? :'''Garnet''': Yes! :'''Amethyst''': Why else would you throw us all those parties?! :'''Steven''': Oh my gosh! You're right! ''[regresses back, to his old self]'' I am pretty great. :'''Pearl''': Oh, Steven! ''[Pearl and Amethyst rush to hug him]'' Steven! :'''Garnet''': We'll work on the rest... later. ''[Steven pulls up his shirt to reveal he still has full grown legs, laughs nervously]'' === ''Lars and the Cool Kids'' === :'''Steven''': So... how come you're not at the Big Donut? :'''Lars''': ''[scoffs]'' I don't spend my whole life at work. I do... other things. :'''Steven''': Like standing against this wall? :'''Lars''': What does it look like?! :'''Steven''': Looks like you're doing a lot of nothin'. :'''Lars''': That's the plan, Steven. Just playin' it cool today, y'know. :'''Steven''': We are so much alike. :'''Lars''': Excuse me? :'''Steven''': You want to get a fresh pizza right out of the oven, but you don't want to seem too desperate, right? Well, there's no need to be ashamed. Just walk right in and ask. That's what I always do. :'''Lars''': Ah, Steven! Don't go in there right now! :'''Steven''': ''[stares inside]'' Oh, hey! :'''Jenny''': He opened the door and there was doggy doo everywhere. :'''Buck''': That's nasty. I don't like nasty stuff. :'''Steven''': Isn't that Kiki's sister and her friends? :'''Lars''': Jenny, Sour Cream, and Buck Dewey. :'''Steven''': Oh, you know those guys? :'''Lars''': N-not quite, but I'm sure we'll hang at some point. :'''Steven''': You should go in and talk to them. :'''Lars''': T-T-That's not how these things work, Steven! The plan is to keep it cool and let them come to me. ''[the group exit Fish Stew Pizza]'' :'''Steven''': Here they come. :'''Lars''': Aah! Steven, turn around! Act natural! :'''Jenny''': ''[to Kiki inside]'' Tell dad I'll be back later. :'''Steven''': I don't think they saw you. :'''Lars''': Steven, you were blocking me with your...big hair! Aah!! :'''Steven''': Sorry! I'll go tell them to look over here. :'''Lars''': Steven, no, don't go over there! I hate you..! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lars and Steven try to rip the magic moss off the group but keeps enveloping; Steven then looks at the hill behind him]'' :'''Steven''': Lars, I know what we have to do! :'''Lars''': This all is ''your'' fault! ''[breaks down]'' I knew if something went wrong today, it would be because of ''you''! Now I'm never going to be friends with these guys—all because of your... ''WEIRD MOM''!! :''[Steven's eyes narrow in shock, and partially in rage, his posture and expressions become extremely aggressive; Lars backs off in surprise]'' :'''Steven''': What do you know about my mom?! <big>'''I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO KNOW MY MOM!!!'''</big> But I do know she saw beauty in everything!! Even in stuff like this, and even in jerks like you!! ''[beat, sighs]'' Now help me get them to the car. === ''Onion Trade'' === :'''Steven''': Huh? He's leaving so soon? Does Onion just...sit around and wait for his dad all day? ''[notices Ranger Guy, gasps]'' Ranger Guy! Okay let's do this. ''[approaches Onion on the dock]'' Hey Onion, how are ya? ''[Onion shrugs]'' That's good, that's good. So I couldn't help but notice you're a G.U.Y.S. fan. ''[Onion stares blankly]'' You know, GUYS? ''[Onion stares blankly]'' The little man in your back pocket? ''[Onion pulls out the toy]'' Yeah, Ranger Guy. How would you like to trade that boring old Ranger Guy for a brand spankin' new, mint in box, Dave Guy? ''[pulls out a Dave Guy from bag]'' Pretty nice, right? ''[Onion shakes his head, motions to up the ante]'' Oh, I see where this is going. You're getting quite the deal here, with TWO Dave Guys! ''[Onion shakes his head and motions for more]'' What? You want more? L-like, two more? Five more? Ten more? Twenty more? This whole bag? All thirty of these Dave Guys for just one Ranger Guy. ''[Onion shakes his head to all of these, motions to up the ante once more]'' But there aren't anymore. The machine is empty; I bought them all. ''[Onion walks away]'' Where are you going? Hey! Let's work something out! ''[Onion walks leaves]'' Ranger Guuuuy! <hr width=50% /> :'''Steven''': ''[walks up Beach House, groans]'' Stupid Dave Guy, got no future, your haircut's gross, you smell bad... ''[Amethyst laughs]'' :'''Amethyst''': You talking about Pearl? :'''Steven''': No, I'm talking about dumb old Dave Guy. I mean, just look at him. Does it look like his life is going anywhere? :'''Amethyst''': Ehh, cut him a break. Maybe this is the year he gets his life together. Maybe he'll get a cool internship. :'''Steven''': Tch... I doubt it! I can't even trade 30 Dave Guys with Onion to get one Ranger Guy. :'''Amethyst''': So you need more of that little man to get some other little man. :'''Steven''': Yeah! And the machine is sold out of 'em. ''[Amethyst holds a bubble-looking stick]'' What is that? :'''Amethyst''': Pearl's replicator wand. You can use it to make copies of stuff. Your magic. I'm sure you can figure out how to use it. :'''Steven''': Have you been sitting here all day with this in your hair? :'''Amethyst''': Nah, I got up to look for Pearl's dumb axe but found that instead. Then I replicated a bunch of garbage and stuffed it all in Pearl's room. ''[sniggers sinisterly]'' === ''[[w:Steven the Sword Fighter|Steven the Sword Fighter]]'' === :'''Holo-Pearl''': "''Do you wish to battle again?''" :'''Steven''': ''[running around her]'' Pearl!! That was amazing! You were so cool! :'''Pearl''': Oh-ho-ho, well... one does try their best. :'''Steven''': Will you teach me to sword fight like you? :'''Pearl''': ''[chuckles]'' All right. But we should start with the basics. ''[clears throat]'' Initiate training mode. ''[Holo-Pearl stands]'' :'''Holo-Pearl''': "''Training mode initiated. Level one, begin!''" :'''Pearl''': I want you to stand back, Steven, and watch me carefully, okay? :'''Holo-Pearl''': "''Parry! Parry! Thrust! Parry! Parry! Thrust!''" :'''Pearl''': Do you see what I'm doing with my feet, Steven? ''[Steven is starting to wind down for a beat]'' Notice where I keep my center of gravity. :'''Steven''': Aw! Can you show me something cool? Like the Boomerang Blade! :'''Pearl''': Steven... you know that's not a real sword technique! :'''Steven''': Boomerang Blade! Boomerang Blade!! BOOMERANG BLADE!! :'''Pearl''': Steven, these are real sword techniques! Not those silly things from your movies! It's about waiting carefully for the perfect moment to— :'''Holo-Pearl''': (''SHIK!!'') "''THRUST!!''" ''[Pearl grunts, Steven gasps]'' :'''Amethyst''': Whoa! :'''Garnet''': Oh, no... :''[angle on Steven with shadows of Holo-Pearl's sword and stabbed Pearl, with the latter dropping her sword]'' :'''Steven''': Pearl..? :'''Pearl''': ..Wh-whoopsie-daisy! Steven, it's okay. I'm gonna be just— :''[Pearl explodes into a cloud of vapor with her gemstone slumps on the ground]'' :'''Steven''': NNOOOOOO!!! ''[cradles her gemstone, crying]'' Pearl?! Pearl!! :'''Holo-Pearl''': "''Challenger defeated. Level one failed!''" === ''Lion 2: The Movie'' === :'''Steven''': Introducing the finest in luxury transportation... Lion! :'''Lion''': ''[yawns and lays down]'' :'''Steven''': Aw, you little goofball. ''[Walks over to Lion and presses his face into his mane]'' :'''Connie''': You have a pet lion?! :'''Steven''': ''[Lifts his face out of Lion's mane]'' Lion is sort of like a pet. He does his own thing most of the time, though.  :'''Lion''': ''[Chomping on something; The shot switches to a half-eaten crystal iguana by Lion's paws]'' :'''Steven''': See? Who KNOWS where he got that? :'''Connie''': Wow, Steven. Everything in your life is so awesome and magical. ''[Connie picks up a stick]'' The most exciting thing in my life is tennis practice. ''[She gets into a stance and swings the stick from her left to her right]'' Forehand! ''[She swings the stick from her right and back to her left]'' Backhand! ''[She brings the stick to the center of her body, bringing it up and then slamming it down]'' Overhead death strike! :'''Steven''': Whoa! Tennis is rad! :'''Connie''': ''[Picks up the stick again]'' Well, I made up that last one. :'''Lion''': ''[Snarls]'' :'''Steven''': I think Lion says we should hurry up and go. Or maybe he was just yawning. ''[Steven and Connie blink and stare at each other for a few seconds, then Steven throws his arms up into the air]'' Anyways, let's go to the movie!  === ''Beach Party'' === :'''Amethyst''': Hey, Steven! :'''Steven''': I've got bad news, everyone. You've all been banned from Fish Stew Pizza. :'''Pearl''': Oh, uh, that's okay. :'''Amethyst''': That pizza wasn't even good. :'''Steven''': Aren't you guys upset about this? :'''Garnet''': Not at all. :'''Steven''': But these are our neighbors! :'''Garnet''': There's nothing we can do about that now. :'''Pearl''': Now we have to figure out a way to take care of that pufferfish. :'''Steven''': What's the point of saving people if they're just gonna ban you from their pizza shops? :'''Garnet''': We don't do it for thanks. :'''Steven''': Yeah, see! That's so nice of you, the Pizzas don't even know! If they got to know you they'd see how fun ''[Amethyst]'', and smart ''[Pearl]'', and mysterious you are ''[Garnet]''! :'''Garnet''': Heh, mysterious. :'''Steven''': Hmm. ''[gasp]'' I know! I'll throw a little party on the beach in front of the temple! Just us and the Pizzas. :'''Amethyst''':I don't know, Steven. I mean... :'''Steven''': Don't worry! I'll take care of everything! === ''Rose's Room'' === :'''Steven''': ''[playing "Golf Quest Mini" as Prof. Sandtraps]'' "I can't lose! I am the greatest golfer in the UNIVER-R-R-RSE!!!" ''[imitates explosion sounds; "secret ending unlocked"]'' All right! Secret ending! ''[the Gems warp back]'' :'''Pearl''': Hey, Steven! We're back! :'''Steven''': ''[affixed to the TV]'' Hey. :'''Ace''': ''[in-game]'' "''Project F.L.O.G.? That's 'golf' backwards. [pushes button, enters room with what seems to be a cryogenic capsule] What is this?''" :'''Amethyst''': ''[pops in front of his face]'' Hey, Steven! Wanna hear about where we've been? :'''Steven''': ''[grunts, moves her hair out of the way]'' Wait! Wait, hold on! :'''Ace''': ''[wipes glass]'' "''June 9th, 2014? But that was the day he disappeared.''" :'''Steven''': ''[Amethyst rolls down in front]'' Hey! :'''Garnet''': Steven! ''[places an artifact]'' Look at this. :'''Amethyst''': It's the Wailing Stone we found! :'''Garnet''': The Wailing Stone that I found. :'''Pearl''': Isn't it neat? It uses high-frequency soundwaves— :'''Steven''': Guys?! :'''Pearl''': —as a message relay between two fixed points... :'''Amethyst''': Look! You just have to push ''this''! :''[it suddenly emits an extremely scathing sound. The game ending continues playing before the TV breaks off in front of Steven. Pearl slams on the knob and stops]'' :'''Pearl''': Amethyst, I told you not to turn it on in the house! :'''Amethyst''': ''[chuckles]'' Chill out, Pea! It's not like anyone got hurt and Steven loved it! ''[beat]'' ..Steven? :'''Steven''': '''THAT WAS THE SECRET ENDING!!''' Now I have to replay the final dungeon all over again!! It's not ''fair''!! I can't go mini-golfing, I can't play my game, I can't stop going into the bathroom because I ate all that cream corn! So much corn... ''[sighs]'' I just wish I had a place for myself. ''[Steven's gem starts glowing]'' Huh? My gem! ''[everyone then looks back; Rose's symbol starts glowing at the Temple Gate]'' :'''Pearl''': Rose's door... ''[unlocking sounds]'' Steven... your gem is opening your mother's room. :''[the symbol grows and envelopes the gate into a doorway]'' :'''Steven''': ''[walks to the door]'' Woah...! :'''Pearl/Amethyst''': Steven, wait! :'''Garnet''': Steven, don't go in there! :'''Steven''': It's never about what ''I'' wanna do, is it?! Well, now I have a place where I'm going, and YOU—CAN'T—'''COME'''!!! :'''All Gems''': STEVEN!! <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': The Gems were trying to tell me something about Mom's room... but I was so mad I didn't listen. They're always leaving me behind, and... I guess I wanted to do it to them too. :'''Greg''': ..That's not so bad. Everyone needs some alone time now and then. Belelelerow! ''[munches donut]'' :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, i-it was really fun for a while. But now... the whole city, everyone and everything is acting really weird. :'''Greg''': Well, the important thing is you told the truth. :'''Steven''': ..Yeah, I... guess I did... :'''Greg''': Belelelerow! ''[munches donut]'' :'''Steven''': Uh, Dad? Y-Your advice is making less sense than usual. :'''Greg''': Well, the important thing is family and friendship, honesty, values and no one got arrested. Belelelerow! ''[munches donut]'' :''[Steven nervously looks at his donut for a long beat. He soon takes a bite and poofs in his mouth]'' :'''Steven''': Aah! I'm still in the room! All of this—it's all a fakearoo!! === ''Coach Steven'' === :'''Steven''': Whoa! What magical place of mysteries is this? :'''Amethyst''': Well— :'''Pearl''': Oh, I'm so glad you asked! This was once a communication hub for Gem-kind, but lately, it's begun transmitting bursts of electromagnetic interference! :'''Steven''': What's that mean? :'''Garnet''': It's hurting television. :'''Steven''': NOOOOOOO!!! I'll save you, television!! Hi-yah! ''[kicks, pushes a pillar]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''[lifts him]'' Sorry, but we need a Steven at least ''[shapeshifts into a bigger macho Steven]'' ''this'' strong for this job! :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' It's all the me I could be! :''[Amethyst puts Steven down, punches the pillar thoroughly]'' :'''Pearl''': Amethyst, we could be here all day taking out each of these pillars individually. :'''Amethyst''': Ugh! I hate it when you're right. You get this look on your face... Yeah, that's the one. :'''Pearl''': What we need is a well thought out plan— :'''Garnet''': No. What we need is Sugilite. Amethyst, fuse with me. :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': Whaaaat?! :''[Amethyst starts screaming excitedly, Pearl looking fumed]'' :'''Amethyst''': Yeah! Let's mash it up! Bigger, badder, better! Ohohohohohoh! :'''Steven''': Hold your horses! Are... you guys going to become a Gem fusion?! :'''Amethyst''': '''AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!''' :'''Both''': <big>'''''AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—''!!!'''</big> :'''Pearl''': WAIT!! Garnet, think about this. You and Amethyst can be a little... unstable when your personalities combine. We need to be careful! Fuse with ''me'' instead! :'''Garnet''': ''[touches her shoulder]'' We don't need to be careful. We just need to be huge. :'''Amethyst''': Oh, yeah! Let's wreck this joint! <hr width=50%> :'''Pearl''': ''Why do you have to look up to her, aside from in a literal sense?'' :''Don't you know that a power that big comes with a bigger expense?'' :''And can't you see that she's out of control and overzealous?'' :''I'm telling you for your own good and not because I'm—'' :''I could show you how to be strong... in the real way'' :''And I know that we can be strong... in the real way'' :''And I want to inspire you, I want to be your rock'' :''And when I talk, it lights a fire in you...'' :''[Steven turns up the boombox and shouts with the megaphone]'' :'''Steven''': Who's ready to get buff?! I don't wanna see your gut, I wanna see your guts!! <hr width=25%> :''I can show you how to be strong... in the real way'' :''And I know that we can be strong... in the real way'' :'''Both''': ''And I want to inspire you, I want to be your rock'' :''And when I talk, it lights a fire in you.'' :''I want to inspire you, I want to be your rock'' :''And when I talk, it lights a fire in you.'' === ''Joking Victim'' === :''[Steven turns on the faucet to wash the sand off his feet when Amethyst comes up to him with a cup of red french fries]'' :'''Amethyst''': Hey, Steven. You wanna try some special new french fries? ''[offers him some]'' :'''Steven''': ''[happily]'' Do I? ''[grabs and eats a handful; chuckles until his face turns red; screaming]'' '''''HOT!''''' :'''Amethyst''': They're special because they're seasoned with… ''[takes out a vial of Fire Salt to show him]'' Fire Salt! :''[Steven attempts to try and turn on the faucet, but accidentally breaks it off, dashes towards the Big Donut and enters, rushing to the soda fountain and sprays two types of soda into his mouth to soothe his burning mouth, also spilling out the soda to make a huge puddle on the floor]'' :'''Lars''': Steven! What are you… ''[slips on the soda puddle and falls]'' :'''Steven''': ''[exhausted]'' Sorry, Lars. :'''Lars''': Ugh, Steven! Who do you think has to clean up this mess? ''[turns]'' Sadie, clean up this mess. :'''Sadie''': ''[annoyed]'' No way, it's your turn. I cleaned the last five "Stevens." :'''Lars''': Aw, come on. That fall messed up my back. ''[rubs side]'' It hurts, really bad. :'''Sadie''': ''[rolls eyes and takes up mop and bucket]'' Fine. Move aside, I'll take care of this. Could you grab the soap? ''[Lars belts out an anguished groan]'' :'''Lars''': ''[exaggerating, contorts body into pained position]'' Oh! It hurts! Sooo much! :'''Sadie''': ''[concerned]'' Maybe you should take the day off. :'''Lars''': ''[snaps upright]'' Okay! You gonna be fine on your own? :'''Sadie''': Well, I guess so bu-- :'''Lars''': ''[walking out]'' You’re the best Player Two! ''[leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jenny''': ''[bumps into Lars]'' Oof. hey Lars, thanks for inviting us over. :'''Lars''': It’s no problem, ''[goofy laugh]'' cause I got the whole day off, by faking a severe back injury! ''[both Jenny and Sour Cream high-five him]'' :'''Steven''': ''[disgusted]'' Ugh, he was faking this whole-- ''[notices an emotionally distraught Sadie, runs after her, and grabs her arm]'' Uh, don't worry! We can handle the Big Donut. Who needs crummy old Lars? :'''Sadie''': ''[emotional]'' Steven! He's made a fool of me! ''[to herself]'' IDIOT! ''[crying]'' He's burned me before... ''[angrily]'' just once, I'd like to burn him back! :'''Steven''': ''[gets an idea]'' I know how to burn people! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': Hi, Lars! :'''Lars''': Why is Steven in a Donut suit? :'''Sadie''': Don't worry about that. How's your back? :'''Lars''': Oh, actually it still hurts like— :'''Sadie''': Really? :'''Lars''': No, no, it's cool. I know I can count on you to help, "P2". :'''Sadie''': Sure. Just relax, in fact, why don't you have a donut? ''[presents him the donut dosed in Fire Salt]'' :'''Lars''': Yeah, alright. :'''Sadie''': Careful, it's a little hot. :'''Lars''': ''[takes a bite of the donut]'' Hey, this is pretty good, is this a new flavor or something? :'''Steven''': ''[cracks up, laughing]'' She said… she said it's hot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amethyst''': Hey, why's donut guy breathing fire? :'''Steven''': I tried to prank Lars but I used too much Fire Salt! :'''Amethyst''': Steven, that's hilarious. :'''Lars''': ''[struggling to talk, getting out words in between fire breaths]'' '''''YOU… DID… THIS… TO ME?!''''' ''[angrily begins chasing Steven around, setting the boardwalk aflame in the process, as Amethyst looks on, greatly amused and laughing]'' :'''Sadie''': It wasn't Steven! ''[approaching]'' It was me. ''[Lars appears surprised and lets Steven go]'' :'''Amethyst''': Ohhh, now it's gettin' good! :'''Sadie''': After all I do for you, you ''LIE'' to me? So you can sneak off with some other girl?! :'''Steven''': ''[from background]'' And other boys! ''[Lars, still struggling to breath, glares at Steven whom retreats behind cover]'' :'''Sadie''': ''[tearing up]'' That night we played video games, I don't know what it meant to you. But ever since then, I can't get the thought out of my head that you’re a good person. ''[grabs his hand]'' That night, I really thought…Player Two. Is that just your way of saying I could’ve been anyone? :'''Lars''': ''[attempting to speak without breathing fire]'' Sadie-- ''[coughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steven''': Another day saved by Steven Universe, with the bonus musical stylings of Harold Smiley! You're welcome! :''[Lars walks to Sadie to try and reason with her as she puts out the fires, turning his head away from facing her]'' :'''Sadie''': I'm not apologizing. :'''Lars''': ''[in a strained voice while coughing]'' Uh, no! ''[wheezes]'' I want to help! But I get it if you want to be alone. === ''Steven and the Stevens'' === :'''Steven''': Done and done! Steven 2, you're the smart one. Steven 3, you're the funny one. Steven 4, you're the sensitive one. And I'm... ''[combs his front locks]'' the handsome one! Okay? :'''Steven 2/3''': Okay! :'''Steven 4''': Okie-dokie artichoke! :'''Steven''': Steven 4, what are you doing?! You're not the funny one! Steven 3 is! :'''Steven 3''': Well, we're all the same person so we're all equally prone to being hilarious. :'''Steven''': No, no, that was too smart an observation for you, 3! You're the funny one! :'''Steven 2''': Wait, which one am I again? :'''Steven''': Dang it, Number 2!! You're the smart one!! :'''Steven 4''': Hey—if Steven 1 is the handsome one, does that mean the rest of us aren't good-looking? :'''Steven 3''': No way! We're all extremely attractive! :'''Steven 2''': Let's go get jobs as models! :'''Steven''': Hey!! None of you are the handsome one! ''I'M'' THE HANDSOME ONE!! ''[all three Stevens dumb down]'' Uh— no! I didn't mean— We decided— ''[groans]'' Let's take five. :'''Steven 2/3/4''': <big>''THERE'S A FIFTH STEVEN?!?!''</big> :'''Steven''': <big>'''NO!!! I MEAN A FIVE MINUTE BREAK!!!'''</big> :'''Steven 2/3/4''': ''[all chuckle]'' We know! <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': ''Can't you see it in our eyes'' :''We're the one, we're the—ONE, [all Gems] TWO, THREE, FOUR!!'' :''We're not like the other guys'' :'''Amethyst''': ''We're not like anybody'' :'''Steven''': ''By the way, don't go back in time'' :''Or you'll destroy yourselves'' :''Steven and the Crystal Gems'' :''We're gonna make you smile'' :''I accidentally created'' :''An alternate timeline.'' :''Steven and the Crystal Gems'' :''Come on, now, don't be shy'' :''I learned to stay true to myself'' :''By watching myself die.'' === ''Monster Buddies'' === :'''Steven''': ''[tends to a tiny Centipeedle]'' Uhh, hi. Ah, it's okay. Look, please don't be scared of me. See? I'm not gonna hurt you. Yeah, just relax. ''[the Centipeetle soon relaxes itself]'' Yeah, that's it. Doesn't relaxing feel nice? You wanna... come over here and relax with me? ''[it growls]'' Yeah, we can totally just hang out right here on the floor. ''[it walks slowly forward]'' Yeah, don't be shy. We can be friends. My name's Steve— :'''Pearl''': STEVEN!! Get away from that thing!! ''[Garnet jumps]'' :'''Amethyst''': Whoa, dude! :'''Steven''': Wait! It's not— ''[Garnet lands down in front of the Centipeedle; Pearl lands to Steven]'' :'''Pearl''': This was a terrible idea! And he's even managed to pop a bubble and let out that awful... thing! :''[Garnet clutches her sparkling left gauntlet at the Centipeedle, which starts backing away from her]'' :'''Pearl''': If that thing hurt you, so help me I'll— :'''Steven''': No! It didn't do anything! ''[runs and blocks Garnet]'' Garnet! Don't hurt it! I accidentally let it out of its bubble, but it didn't even try to hurt me. It's not like the other monsters, it's just scared and confused. ''[Amethyst jumps down]'' Please, Garnet! I'm begging you! :''[Garnet stares face-to-face with Steven for a beat]'' :'''Garnet''': I can't say no to that face. :'''Pearl''': Excuse me?! You can't be serious! :'''Garnet''': I think you should try and tame it, Steven. ''[Steven runs to Garnet and hugs her left leg]'' :'''Steven''': Garnet, thank you sooo much! :'''Pearl''': Hmm... ''[Amethyst starts laughing]'' :'''Amethyst''': Shut down by the G-squad! Ha ha ha ha!! :'''Pearl''': Well, let's at least take some precaution. === ''An Indirect Kiss'' === :'''Steven''': So, what's the problem? Amethyst falls on stuff all the time. :'''Pearl''': It'd be fine if it was just her body, but her gem is damaged. :'''Steven''': So, what do you do to fix it? :'''Pearl''': Before... we had Rose... ''[Garnet walks to Steven]'' :'''Garnet''': Steven, your mother had healing tears that flowed from her gem. She felt real love for those around her, and she felt real sorrow when they were hurt. You have the Rose Quartz gem now. I know that power is in you too. ''[Steven comes to googly-eyed purple eggplant girl who is sassy and lazy and eats salsa all day]'' :'''Steven''': AMETHYST, <big>'''SHOW ME YOUR GEM!!!'''</big> :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, alright. :'''Steven''': The power... to heal... :''[vines wrap around Steven, leaps out in a burst of roses. Cut back to Steven straining in front of Amethyst]'' :'''Steven''': It's not working! I guess I'm just too tough to cry. :'''Pearl''': Just today, you were crying about snakes. :'''Steven''': They don't have any arms! :'''Garnet''': We have no choice. We need to take Amethyst to Rose's Healing Spring. :'''Amethyst''': Pssh! Guys, I'm fine! I'm not gonna get any wor-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r... ''[pop, speaks backwards]'' ...''hcaeb eht no gniod uoy era tahw syug yeh''? <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': Did you see what I did? It was magic! My tears brought the fountain back to life and saved Amethyst! :'''Pearl''': ..I'm pretty sure me and Garnet unplugging the clogged chamber brought the fountain back to life. :'''Garnet''': We saved Amethyst. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' You don't think my crying was... a little related to that? :'''Pearl''': Oh, Steven. You don't have healing tears. You'll never have any real magic powers, ''[Steven becomes horrified]'' and we don't want anything more to do with you. :'''Connie''': "She didn't really say that!" :''[cut back to present]'' :'''Steven''': No... but that's what it felt like. :'''Connie''': Is that why you've been so down? ''[he shrugs]'' Oh. You can have your juice back. :'''Steven''': Nah, that's okay. ''[sniffles, sighs]'' Everyone expects me to be like my mom. What if I never get those powers? :'''Connie''': Then you'll be like me. That's not so bad. :'''Steven''': But... if I don't have powers, then I can't hang out with Amethyst, or Garnet, or Pearl... ''[starts crying, grips pants tightly]'' and I-I can't go on missions! ''[Connie touches his hand]'' :'''Connie''': You don't need any powers to be here with me. :''[a gust of wind blows through; Connie slurps his juice box. She leans forward to Steven and sparkles magically appear on her head]'' :'''Connie''': Ow! Ahh... :'''Steven''': What's wrong? :'''Connie''': I think... ''[sigh]'' there's just... ''[take glasses off]'' There's something wrong with my glasses. ''[sees Steven clearly]'' My... My eyes... I-I-I can ''see''! :'''Steven''': What?! :'''Connie''': I can see without my glasses! :'''Steven''': Did I... heal your eyes? But... how? :''[he looks at the sparkles around the straw of the Durian juice carton; Steven gasps, Connie drops it]'' :'''Steven''': The juice box! I don't have healing tears! I HAVE HEALING '''SPIT'''!! :'''Connie''': What am I going to tell my parents? What am I going to tell my optometrist?! :'''Steven''': I don't even know! ''[hugs her]'' Oh, thank you, Connie! Lion, let's go tell the Gems! They're never gonna believe this! === ''Mirror Gem (1)'' === :'''Steven''': ''[observes school equipment]'' Yup, it's all coming together. :'''Pearl''': So, how do we begin our... school? :'''Steven''': Ugh... I... I don't know! This is everything Connie told me! Why do I never ask follow-up questions?! Who will teach little Stevie now?! :'''Pearl''': ''[gasps]'' Teach you?! Steven! If only I had known that's what you really wanted! :''[Pearl then performs incantations and slowly summons an object out of her gemstone]'' :'''Pearl''': We found this Gem-powered mirror at the Galaxy Warp. It can capture and display any event it's witnessed in all of Gem history. ''[it drops in Steven's hands]'' It'll offer you everything you've ever wanted to know about your fellow Gems and our culture. :'''Steven''': I must be incredibly important to Gem culture. :'''Pearl''': ''[scoffs]'' It's just you in there. It hasn't even been activated. ''[clears throat]'' Show us the Galaxy Warp. ''[long pause]'' Show us the Galaxy Warp! ''[beat]'' Oh, come on! ''[tugs it dragging Steven]'' :'''Steven''': Whoa! ''[chuckles]'' :'''Pearl''': I know you've seen it! ''[examines mirror, sighs]'' It is in pretty rough shape. It must finally be broken. ''[sighs]'' What a shame. :'''Steven''': It doesn't seem broken to me. :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, well. I guess that's the end of our school. :'''Steven''': ''[starry-eyed]'' Ohh! Ahh! So, you could say... school's out for summer? :'''Pearl''': Yes. Good, Steven. There are many ways to say the same thing. :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' School's out! ''[runs outside]'' :'''Pearl''': Hmm. The asymmetry of this pile is really starting to bother me. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Gems have just learned that the mirror is being sentient towards Steven and are horrified.]'' :'''Pearl''': It's talking to him? It shouldn't be able to do that. I-it should just be following orders... :'''Amethyst''': Garnet, do something. :'''Garnet''': Steven. ''[walks towards him]'' :'''Mirror''': ''[displaying an image of Steven, Lars, Sadie laughing and using his voice]'' Noooo! :'''Garnet''': You should just give us back the mirror. It will be safer where we can watch it. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, let's bubble it! :'''Mirror''': ''[still displaying Steven laughing]'' Noooo! :'''Steven''': Wha..? :'''Garnet''': Steven. Don't make me have to take it from you. :'''Steven''': ''[confused]'' It doesn't want to go with you. Don't you hear it screaming? :'''Garnet''': Steven, it's just a mirror, a tool. It can't want anything. :''[she reaches out to take the mirror from him.]'' :'''Mirror''': ''[now repeatedly]'' Noooo! Noooo! Noooo! ''[Steven looks at the mirror and then back at Garnet, greatly disturbed.]'' Noooo! Noooo! Noooo! ''[now displaying an image of Steven yelling] ''Noooo! :'''Steven''': Ah! ''[places his hand over the mirror and snaps]'' It wants to be with ''me''! :''[he tries to smack her hand away, but accidentally hits her face instead, knocking her shades off in the process. He stiffens in shock at this. Cut to first-person view on Steven.]'' :'''Amethyst/Pearl''': ''[gasp]'' :''[Garnet, all three eyes exposed, looks straight at Steven in anger, giving him a terrifying furious look. Cut back to Steven, who quickly glances at the hand that he had hit Garnet with, and then looks back at her with a look of complete terror on his face.]'' :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' <big>'''Ah! Ah! AAAAAAHHHHHH!'''</big> ''[runs out the front door]'' <big>'''AAAAAAHHHHHH! I'M SORRY!'''</big> :'''Garnet''': ''[puts her shades back on, clenching her fists]'' That little boy is in big trouble. :'''Pearl''': ''[following Garnet and Amethyst, who angrily walk out of the house to find Steven]'' <big>'''Garnet, wait! I'm sure he didn't understand what he was doing!'''</big> <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven approaches the blue girl with the cracked gem on her back; she turns to Steven with blank eyes]'' :'''Lapis''': Thank you. ''[stands up]'' You didn't... oh! ''[Steven catches her fall]'' You actually talked to me. You helped me! It's Steven, right? :'''Steven''': ''[breathes deeply]'' Hm. :'''Lapis''': I'm Lapis. Lapis Lazuli. Are you really a Crystal Gem? :'''Steven''': Yeah! :'''Lapis''': But... you set me free. :'''Steven''': But... wha..? :'''Garnet''': ''[offscreen]'' <big>'''STEVEN!!!'''</big> :'''Steven''': Wha? ''[the Gems run forward to them, summoning their weapons]'' WAIT!! :'''Lapis''': You... ''[Steven turns back; a huge water-arm slowly rises out of the ocean behind her; to the Gems]'' You three knew I was in there, and you didn't do anything. Did you even wonder who I used to ''be''?! ''[slams the water-arm on the Gems, trapping Garnet; Pearl and Amethyst land down opposite sides]'' :'''Pearl''': Steven, run!! :'''Steven''': What are you doing?! :'''Lapis''': I'm Lapis Lazuli, and you can't keep me trapped here anymore! ''[Steven gasps]'' They're not gonna let us leave. :'''Steven''': Leave?! ''[Lapis parts the ocean apart to make a path]'' :'''Lapis''': Steven, come with me. :'''Steven''': Where?! :'''Lapis''': ..Home. :'''Steven''': B-b-but... B-but I... uh... ''[Lapis becomes down for a beat, closes path]'' :'''Lapis''': Fine. :''[Garnet breaks free and punches the water-arm away, runs to Steven and Lapis]'' :'''Lapis''': Don't trust them, Steven. Goodbye. :''[a huge wave knocks Steven and Garnet back behind Lapis as she walks into the ocean; Pearl and Amethyst run to them]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[hugs him]'' Steven! Are you okay?! :'''Steven''': Yeah. I'm fine. So, that was another Gem? :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' Yes. ''[the Gems stare at the ocean for a beat]'' :'''Garnet''': Steven, you're grounded. === ''Ocean Gem (2)'' === :'''Steven''': I'm grounded? :'''Pearl''': Yes, you're grounded. :'''Garnet''': You disobeyed an order. :'''Amethyst''': ''[holding up a shovel]'' And now we're gonna bury you 'til you've learned your lesson! :'''Steven''': Aah! That's not how grounding works! <hr width=50%> :'''Mayor Dewey''': Hey! It's those magical ladies! ''[runs at Garnet]'' What's going on here?! :'''Garnet''': The ocean is gone. Obviously. :'''Mayor Dewey''': That's right! Now it's just a desert. No one wants to take a vacation to... Desert City! ''[bawling]'' Aww, we're gonna lose all our summer business! :'''Lars''': And all the beach babes! Awww! :'''Fryman''': Who's gonna buy my fries? :'''Kofi''': And my pizza! :'''Mr. Smiley''': Who's gonna have fun at Funland?! :'''Mayor Dewey''': As mayor, I '''DEMAND''' YOU EXPLAIN THIS IMMEDIATE— ''[Garnet slaps megaphone off his hand]'' ..ly... :'''Garnet''': It was Lapis Lazuli. :'''Steven''': Lapis Lazuli? :'''Pearl''': She's the Gem you released from the mirror. :''[Pearl projects a hologram of Lapis through her gemstone; the citizens all gasp and awe in amazement indistinctly]'' :'''Steven''': But she's a Gem just like us! :'''Pearl''': There's a lot you don't know about Gems, Steven. <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': I'm trying to fix what I did to our home. I was the one who set Lapis free from the mirror. Now it's my fault the ocean's gone. I'm gonna bring the ocean back, or get really thirsty trying. <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': ''[looks up to the sky]'' See you, Lapis… Wherever you are. === ''House Guest'' === :'''Steven''': Ahh... Forgot to ask Dad what kind of donuts he wants. Ugh... ''[walks back inside]'' Hey, Dad, I— :''[sees Greg rummaging the fridge and humming to himself. He grabs a plate with turkey leg and mashed potatoes, a bowl of cranberries; kicks fridge door and spins around]'' :'''Greg''': Olé! Steven! ''[a shocked Steven stares for a beat]'' Ha! You had me scared there, son. Didn't see you... standing in the doorway. Your old man's still got it! ''[Steven angrily stares at him]'' What, this? I guess I couldn't wait for those donuts. :''[Steven crosses his arms. Greg pauses, looks down at his broken leg]'' :'''Greg''': Oh—oh, yeah! Ugh-ho-ho-hoh! ''[falls down]'' Ouch! ''[rolling]'' Ho-ho-ho-hoh... :'''Steven''': Just stop, Dad. I get what's going on. Your leg isn't broken at all, is it? ''[Greg stands up]'' :'''Greg''': It was broken, but you healed it back at the car wash. :'''Steven''': You lied to me! Now I can't do it anymore!! :'''Greg''': What?! :'''Steven''': The Gems needed me to fix the broken rock, but my powers aren't working! It-it's because of you! You messed with my head! :'''Greg''': No! I-I didn't mean to fo— I-I just wanted to live with my son again! :'''Steven''': I really thought I was getting better. I finally felt like a Crystal Gem. ''[cries]'' Now, what if I can't do ''anything''? :'''Greg''': Steven, don't beat yourself up! This is my fault! :'''Steven''': Yeah! Yeah, it is! === ''Space Race'' === :'''Steven''': I've never seen so many warp pads before! I hope I have enough of these ''Crying Breakfast Friends'' stickers. Where do all these warp pads go, anyway? :'''Pearl''': Well, Steven, these warp pads were used to travel off-planet. They were our connection to the Gem Homeworld and to Gem-controlled planets all over the universe. :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' You mean we could go anywhere we want in outer space?! :'''Amethyst''': Yeahhh, we could do that if they weren't all busted. :'''Pearl''': It's true. The Galaxy Warps have all been inactive for thousands of years. :'''Steven''': Can't we fix them? :'''Garnet''': ..No. :'''Pearl''': It's fine. I'll always have my memories of other worlds, but now I'm here... on Earth... forever. :'''Steven''': With me! :'''Pearl''': Right. ''[pats his head]'' With you. ''[walks to the destroyed central pad]'' It really is incredible out there, though. I wish you could see it, Steven. <hr width=50%> :'''Greg''': ''[via communications]'' "''Hey, can you hear me?! Where do you two think you're going?!''" :'''Steven''': Hey, Dad! Guess where I am! :'''Greg''': I know where you are—it's where you're going that concerns me! :'''Steven''': Don't worry, Dad! This is just a quick test flight. :'''Pearl''': This'll be perfectly fine, just a pop over to the nearest star system. I'll give him back in 50 years. :'''Steven''': 50 years?! :'''Greg''': "''WHAT!?! I'll be dead in 50 years!! Pearl, you bring him back right now or I'll—''" ''[Pearl cuts him off]'' Hello?! Hello!?! :'''Steven''': Pearl, I'm not supposed to go! Pearl!! :'''Pearl''': Oh, this is so exciting! Steven, you're gonna love it. ''[plays keyboard keys to a discordant note, opening the ship's wings with eight engines]'' Hang on tight! :''[the spaceship blasts through the clouds and up into the stratosphere. For a moment, Steven looks and sees a piece of debris flying past him]'' :'''Steven''': What was that? ''[the ship's alarm blares loudly as more parts of the ship fly away]'' Pearl?! :'''Pearl''': We can make it! We're almost there! ''[the ship is starting to break apart]'' :'''Steven''': Pearl!! :'''Pearl''': I'm gonna show it to you... :''[Steven hesitates for a beat. He sees a hatch release cord and pulls it, shooting out the ship's glass dome]'' :'''Pearl''': Steven! What are you doing?! :'''Steven''': We need to go, Pearl! We're not gonna make it! :'''Pearl''': But we're almost there! ''[sees a cluster of stars before Steven comes to her face to face]'' :'''Steven''': Pearl! I know you miss space, and I know you worked hard! But sometimes... you just got to know when to bail. === ''Secret Team'' === :'''Garnet''': ''[sighs]'' If no one has anything else to say, and everyone else is innocent… Steven, I'm going to have to punish you. :'''Steven''': No! Not punishment! ''[sighs sadly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': ''[to Pearl and Amethyst]'' So, you two can't get along unless you think I'm going to kill you. === ''Island Adventure'' === :''[Sadie, Lars and Steven walk out of the island to a seaside]'' :'''Steven''': Welcome to paradise! :'''Sadie''': Oh, Steven... it's beautiful here. :'''Lars''': It's a beach! We live on a beach! :'''Steven''': It's a magical beach! :'''Lars''': ''[fumbles phone]'' Is that why my phone has no reception? Why were you even here?! :'''Steven''': We came here to look for a dangerous gem creature that we never found... :'''Lars''': ..Yep. I'm going. :'''Sadie''': Huh? Lars! Wait! Lars... this could actually be kind of fun! :'''Lars''': If I'm going to be bored out of my mind and possibly die, I'm gonna go to work and get paid for it. ''[stops to find warp pad missing]'' Okay, where is it? :'''Steven''': What? :'''Lars''': The teleporter thing! Where is it?! :'''Sadie''': Oh, i-it wouldn't disappear... would it? :'''Steven''': No, no, no... Well, maybe. :'''Lars''': WHAT!?! :'''Steven''': It's okay! The Gems'll come to save us when they see I'm missing! Eventually... :'''Lars''': STEVEN!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!?! '''WE'RE STRANDED'''!! :'''Sadie''': Calm down! Is this really the worst place to be stuck in? ''[view on a waterfall and butterflies]'' :'''Lars''': Ugh! You calm down. I'm gonna find better reception. <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': ''Isn't this such a beautiful night, whoa'' :''We're underneath the thousand shining stars'' :''Isn't it nice to find yourself somewhere different, whoa'' :''Why don't you let yourself just be wherever you are?'' :''Look at this place, look at your faces'' :''I've never seen you look like this before'' :''Isn't it nice to find yourself somewhere different, whoa'' :''Why don't you let yourself just be wherever you are?'' :''Look at this place, look at your faces'' :''They're shining like a thousand shining stars'' :''Isn't it nice to find yourself somewhere different, whoa'' :''Why don't you let yourself just be wherever you are?'' :''Why don't you let yourself just be somewhere different, whoa'' :''Why don't you let yourself just be whoever you... are?'' <hr width=50%> :'''Lars''': ''[stroking Sadie's hand; tearing up]'' Sadie? Do you ever get lonely, even when you're around people? ''[Sadie nodes yes; presses his lips into her mouth and they both start kissing]'' :'''Steven''': ''[singing] Why don't you let yourself just be…'' :'''Lars & Sadie''': STEVEN! :'''Lars''': ''[annoyed]'' How long have you been watching us?! :'''Sadie''': Don't you know what privacy is?! :'''Steven''': People walk in and out of my room all the time. <hr width=50%> :'''Lars''': ''[glares angrily at Sadie, realizing she hid the Warp Pad in a pile of leaves]'' You '''''knew!''''' ''[wrenches his arm away from her]'' :'''Steven''': Uh, guys? :'''Lars''': It's '''''her''''' fault we've been trapped here! ''[points angrily at Sadie]'' :'''Steven''': ''[shocked]'' WHAAAAAAT?! :'''Sadie''': Look, I panicked! I hid the Warp Pad! You were just gonna leave, but I knew how much you really needed this! Why don't you ever let me help you?! :'''Lars''': Help me?! Are you insane?! You trapped me on an island, so you could come on to me! ''[sulks]'' :'''Sadie''': ''[screams in aggravation and starts slapping him]'' You kissed me on the mouth! :'''Lars''': No, I didn't! :'''Steven''': Guys, I want to be mad too, but can we do it on the Warp Pad?! <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': We should do this again some time. === ''Keep Beach City Weird'' === :'''Pearl''': Humans just lead short, boring insignificant lives so they make up stories to feel like they're a part of something bigger. They want to blame all the world's problems on some single enemy they can fight instead of a complex network of interrelated forces beyond anyone's control. <hr width=50%> :'''Ronaldo''': ''[entering the lighthouse]'' You're ready for what I've found... the cause of Beach City's paranormal activity. :'''Steven''': Wait, what? :'''Ronaldo''': Welcome to my office. Go that way. ''[Steven walks in that direction]'' Welcome... to the truth. :''[Steven then sees a large board with several newspaper clips and "Snake People" written in large letters on it]'' :'''Steven''': "Snake People"?! :'''Ronaldo''': Snake People, or "Sneeple", control our government at the highest level. Look. ''[shows a dollar bill]'' The snake represents their hold on our country. The diamond represents their underground mines, or their sharp teeth... th-the details aren't important. They pit us mammals against each other with elections, sports, and {{w|anime}} message boards. We spend so much time fighting over {{w|dub localization|dubs}} or {{w|subtitle (captioning)|subs}} that we miss the big picture! :'''Steven''': ..What's that? :'''Ronaldo''': That the world is under ''their'' control. <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': ''[on the balcony]'' Ronaldo? :'''Ronaldo''': Steven! Did you see this crater? I think the Snake People might have left it as a sign. :'''Steven''': Yeah... Uh, Ronaldo? :'''Ronaldo''': ''[turns back]'' Yes, Steven? :'''Steven''': Are you... totally sure about this Snake People thing? :'''Ronaldo''': Steven, are you having doubts? :'''Steven''': Not really just... doubts... I found out those weird holes in the cliff were 'cause of something me and the Gems did. :'''Ronaldo''': Well, okay, but those red rocks— :'''Steven''': That was us... :'''Ronaldo''': But... the flowers! :'''Steven''': Us too. :'''Ronaldo''': But... but the truth! :'''Steven''': Maybe the truth just isn't what you thought it was. :'''Ronaldo''': Sure it is! Don't get so hung up on these minor facts! Truth is about more than that! Truth is a feeling in your gut that you know is true! Truth is searching for ''anything'' that proves you're right no matter how small, and holding on to that, no matter what. :'''Steven''': That kinda sounds like the opposite of truth. :'''Ronaldo''': Look! The proof! This cast will show the true face of this conspiracy! ''[holds up cast which looks exactly like Steven]'' Oh, wha-huh? :'''Steven''': That's probably from Steven Tag. :'''Ronaldo''': ''What''!?! :'''Steven''': It's a game where... when I tag one of the Gems, they— ''[Ronaldo cuts him off]'' :'''Ronaldo''': I'm really not at the center of anything... I'm nothing. === ''Fusion Cuisine'' === :'''Steven''': Garnet, quick! You have to pretend to be my mom to Connie's mom. ''[hands her the phone]'' :'''Garnet''': ''[deadpan]'' Hello. This, is Mom Universe. ''[pause]'' Yes. The children are playing swords. Sorry, playing ''with'' swords. They're bleeding. Oh no, they are dead. Don't call again. ''[hangs up]'' Sorry, I panicked. <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': Man, why did Connie have to say I have one mother instead of zero... or three? :'''Greg''': We'll figure this thing out. We just have to put our heads together. :'''Steven''': (''gets an idea'') Why didn't I think of this before? It's so obvious! You can all come to dinner -- all three of you, fused into ONE! (''snaps finger'') :'''Pearl''': What?! :'''Amethyst''': Whoa! :'''Greg''': What? :'''Pearl''': Steven, you know we only fuse in deadly situations! :'''Steven''': It'd be like—like I'm actually bringing my whole family! :'''Amethyst''': That's insane. :'''Garnet''': Fusion is serious magic, not a trick for dinner parties. :'''Steven''': I know. Then I guess this is it. I'll never get to see Connie again. Oh, Connie! I'll never know a star that shines as bright as you. :'''Garnet''': (''sighs'') We have no choice. <hr width=50%> :'''Greg''': Thanks... honeybuns. :'''Alexandrite''': You're welcome... Greg. :'''Greg''': I'm Greg Universe. And this massive drink of water is my wife, Alexandrite. :'''Alexandrite''': Hi-i-i-i-i-i. <hr width=50%> :'''Alexandrite''': ''[slams Greg's face onto table]'' Have some more breadsticks... dear. <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': Things are going pretty good so far, huh? :'''Connie''': ''[with her hands on her head]'' Steven, are you kidding me?! What is this thing that you brought to dinner?! :'''Steven''': It-it's my family. It's all the gems fused together into a six-armed, giant woman. :'''Connie''': Why couldn't you just bring one of the gems? :'''Steven''': 'Cause that would be a lie. <hr width=50%> :'''Connie''': So, Steven was telling me that on his mom's apple farm, they're bio-engineering a gala-fuji hybrid. :'''Steven''': Yes, that's definitely true. :'''Connie''': Isn't that right, Mrs. Universe? :'''Alexandrite''': (''sniffs'') Ugh! What are you doing? I'm hungry!! I don't think so. Cut it out, you two. <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': Where's this bus taking us? :'''Connie''': Wherever we end up. We'll find a way to survive. I've been reading about sustainable living. :'''Steven''': Maybe it'll take us to a ''real'' apple farm! :'''Connie''': What's up with you and apples today? :''[They both hear thumping sounds and look out the back window and see Alexandrite is running after them]'' :'''Alexandrite''': <big><big>'''STEVE-E-E-N!'''</big></big> ''[Steven and Connie scream; picks up the bus]'' '''You two, come out of that bus this instant!''' :'''Steven''': Aah! Okay! J-just put the bus down first. :''[Back at The Crab Shack; the two kids are reunited with their families as they begin to rebuke them]'' :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I don't even know where to begin with you, young la-- :'''Pearl''': What were you thinking, running off with Connie like that? You could have gotten yourselves hurt! :'''Garnet''': Or gotten mangled in traffic. :'''Amethyst''': Or thrown in ''prison''. :'''Pearl''': Steven, you are in very big trouble, and we have no choice but to punish you. :'''Steven''': But... :'''Garnet''': No dinner for 1,000 years. :'''Steven''': (''sad expression'') 1,000? :'''Pearl''': We would never starve you, but you ''will'' lose your TV privileges… for 1,000 years. :'''Steven''': No! The midseason pre-finale of "Under the Knife"! How can you do this to me?! :'''Greg''': Because we love you, Steven. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Wow. That was a masterful use of the "because we love you" shutdown. I'm quite partial to the "It's for your own good!" myself. :'''Mr. Maheswaran''': That "1,000 years of no dinner" bit, was pretty funny. ''[laughs]'' :'''Garnet''': All comedy is derived from fear. :'''Mr. Maheswaran''': ''[laughs]'' You are too much. :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': I did not know what to make of the two of- Excuse me, four of you, but I see that you are responsible parents. Uh, caregivers? Guardians. :'''Connie''': So, I can still hang out with Steven? :'''Dr. Maheswaran''': Sure. :'''Steven''': Alright! === ''Garnet's Universe'' === :'''Steven''': Steven bomb! ''[jumps on top of Garnet and lands on her hair, still giggling]'' I got you! :'''Garnet''': You got me. :'''Steven''': ''[covers Garnet's shades]'' And now you're blind! :'''Garnet''': Tiny hands. ''[picks Steven up and holds him in front of her]'' My only weakness. :'''Steven''': ''[notices the bubbled gem that Garnet is holding]'' Whoa! What did you do today? :'''Garnet''': Tell me what ''you'' think I did. <hr width=50%> :''[Garnet walks forward and picks up the cloaked figure. She removes the cloak revealing a frog]'' :'''Frog''': Hop o' the morning to ya, Garnet! Nothing like some morning training to get the blood pumping. Am I right? :'''Garnet''': Hopper, nice to see you too. ''[drops her]'' :'''Hopper''': By the way, have you seen Hoppy? She was hoppin' excited to train with us. :''[a shadow jumps high above the trees; Garnet gasps as the kitana-wielding rabbit swoops down]'' :'''Rabbit''': <big><big>'''''YAAHHHH!!! WAAAHHH!!!'''''</big></big> ''[Garnet summons her right gauntlet, the rabbit slashes]'' <big>'''HI-''YAH''!!!'''</big> :''[Garnet clasps and holds the rabbit's blade, with a pulsating gust of wind blows all leaves]'' :'''Rabbit''': Garnet. :'''Garnet''': Hoppy. :'''Hopper''': ''[holds radar-like device]'' Wow, Garnet! I can tell you've been training! Your power levels are hoppin' high! :'''Hoppy''': ''[jumps down]'' Yes, Hopper, but they could always be higher. We should train more. I nearly had the jump on you that time. :'''Hopper''': ''Oouhhh''! :'''Garnet''': ''[retracts gauntlets]'' We can train some other time, Hoppy. Right now, there's a gem artifact to recover. :'''Hopper''': I wonder what it is this time. Maybe a magic power amulet, or a flying power carpet, or maybe an enchanted power onion! :'''Garnet''': Whatever it is, we should hurry. There's somebody at home ''[takes out photo]'' that I need to get back to. :''[closeup on the photo showing Garnet and Steven doing the peace sign. Hoppy and Hopper peek at the photo]'' :'''Hopper''': Who is that? :'''Garnet''': My most favorite person in the world. :'''Hoppy''': Have you ever told him that? :'''Garnet''': No. :'''Hopper''': Why not? :'''Garnet''': ''[clenches fist]'' I'm not strong enough. :'''Hopper''': Will we get to meet him soon? :'''Garnet''': Not yet. He's not ready to learn that I have secret animal friends. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Tell us your name, stranger. :'''Ringo''': My name is Ringo. I am but a humble caretaker of the shrine atop Yonder Mountain. ''[points to his shrine atop the mountain in the distance]'' :'''Hoppy''': How did you get those wounds? Was it from some kind of training. :'''Ringo''': Well, you see, ''[flashback starts with him sweeping and cleaning with a broomstick before a Foxman shows up with his camera, wanting to take some pictures]'' an innocent Foxman wanted to see the shrine. Such a sweet, sweet Foxman. Naturally, I obliged. Inside rested the sacred magic gem of ultimate power! It was then that the Foxman double-crossed me! ''[Foxman then bashes him on the head with his camera, rubs his paws, and absorbs the gem's power, with a big buffed body]'' He used the power of the gem to banish me from my own shrine. ''[end of flashback]'' Ever since then, I've been searching for someone strong enough to help me. :'''Garnet''': That gem must be contained. No one should have that much power. :'''Ringo''': Oh, you can have the gem. ''[desperately]'' I just want my shrine back. <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Foxman, give us the gem. :'''Foxman''': What? ''[spots Ringo]'' You again? ''[Ringo hisses at him like a snake]'' Oh, I see what this is. If you want them gem, you'll have to defeat me! :'''Garnet''': So be it! <hr width=50%> :'''Ringo''': I told you he was strong. :'''Garnet''': Then we'll just have to get stronger. :'''Hoppy''': ''[gasps]'' Training time! <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': Now give back the gem. :'''Foxman''': But ''I'm'' the sworn protector of the gem! What did that liar tell you?! ''[gasps]'' No! :'''Ringo''': You dummies feel for it! Now the sacred magic gem of ultimate power is mine! ''[laughs as he places the gem in his hair ring and turns into a buffed version of himself]'' Ultimate Ringo! :'''Foxman''': Curse you, Ringo! I'll make you pay for this! :'''Ringo''': Too bad you didn't ''outfox'' me when you had the chance! ''[zaps his staff at Foxman, turning him into an onion ring]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': ''[narrating]'' And so, Garnet used the gem to return the Foxman to his original form. And as for Ringo? He stay trapped in the Ringo Zone… forever. That day, Garnet learned a valuable lesson: that being strong was about more than just how many mountains you could punch in half. It was about love. And there was no greater love than Garnet's love for Steven. ''[back at the house]'' And then you came back here, and I got you, and you were blind. And that's what you did today! :'''Garnet''': Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. :'''Steven''': ''[smiles]'' Really? :'''Garnet''': No. === ''Watermelon Steven'' === :'''Steven''': Everyone! Please! Stop! I'm okay, look! You don't have to fight anymore! :'''Amethyst''': HELP! :''[Amethyst has been dogpiled by Watermelon Stevens while two nearby dig a hole]'' :'''Amethyst''': They're gonna put me in the ground! ''[sobbing]'' No! ''[A Watermelon Steven appears with a bouquet]'' '''''THOSE FLOWERS ARE LOVELY!''''' '''AAHHH!''' === ''{{w|Lion 3: Straight to Video}}'' === :'''Steven''': ''[takes snacks out of paper bag]'' Alrighty, let's see what we got here. Looks like a classic PBJ sandwich cut into triangles. ''[Lion puts paper bag on his nose, walks backwards]'' Very nice, it's the only shape a sandwich should be. Mama Sadie, this lunch is a win. ''[Lion backs up towards the front door]'' And for dessert we have... Whoa, look at this! Lion! Lion, look! It's a cookie shaped like a star. ''[chuckles]'' I guess you could say this cookie is... "out of this world"? Eh? :''[Lion blows the bag into Steven's face. It falls down, and Steven bites the cookie. He then looks up at the portrait of Rose Quartz on the wall]'' :'''Steven''': I wonder what kind of lunch my mom would've made me. ''[gasps]'' Maybe actual space cookies! ''[beat, sighs]'' I just wish... I know a little more about her. :''[Lion nudges Steven; he stares at Lion with stars in his eyes]'' :'''Steven''': Blink if this means you love me. :''[beat. He then blows Lion's face, blinks]'' :'''Steven''': He loves me! <hr width=50% /> :''[Steven dreams himself playing checkers with Dogcopter on an island. Dogcopter places a chess piece on his tile]'' :'''Dogcopter''': I win. :'''Steven''': Oh, what? That was a good move! :'''Dogcopter''': Thanks. :'''Steven''': Dogcopter, how ''do'' you do it? :'''Dogcopter''': How do I do what? :'''Steven''': I mean, what's your secret? How'd you get so talented? :'''Dogcopter''': Don't focus so much on talent, Steven. Making art is all about communication. A piece of art is a conversation. Every choice you make is a statement. ''[eats, munches chess piece]'' Don't worry about labels or conforming to a standard. Just be true to yourself, and people will appreciate your honesty. ''[gulps it]'' Ahh. :'''Steven''': Whoa. Thanks for the advice. :'''Dogcopter''': And take a deep breath. :'''Steven''': What? <hr width=50% /> :''[cut footage to Greg strumming his guitar at the sea with the seagulls]'' :'''Rose''': "''Isn't it remarkable, Steven? This world is full of so many possibilities. Each living thing has an entirely unique experience. The sights they see, the sounds they hear, the lives they live... are so complicated, a-and so simple. I can't wait for you to join them.''" :''[the camera then rotates back at Rose]'' :'''Rose''': "''Steven, we can't both exist. I'm going to become half of you. And I need you to know that every moment you love being yourself — that's me. Loving you and loving being you... because you're going to be something extraordinary. You're going to be a human being.''" :'''Greg''': "''Hey, Rose!''" :'''Rose''': "''Take care of them, Steven.''" === ''Warp Tour'' === :'''Pearl''': These are the warps that once connected us to other planets. If something tried to come from space, it would be through here. But wait—this warp pad is broken! Marked inactive by the very depressed cartoon breakfast sticker you placed here ''yourself''! :'''Amethyst''': ''[walks up to Steven]'' Look, Pearl's right, like usual. Ugh... you get used to it. ''[Garnet places hand on Steven's head; Steven moves her hand off him]'' :'''Garnet''': We're safe. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' Well... I guess so. :''[Steven places his hand beside the "Crying Breakfast Friends" sticker; the Gems all sigh]'' :'''Amethyst''': Oh, man! Finally! That took all day. :'''Garnet''': It was important to make Steven feel secure. :'''Pearl''': Yes, Steven feels much better now. ''[Steven starts losing his temper even further]'' :'''Steven''': I'm a little tired... of you guys telling me how ''I'' feel!! I know I saw something outside the stream! :'''Pearl''': And I know you ''didn't''! :'''Steven/Pearl''': Why is it so hard to just "listen to Steven"?! / You don't tell me what I already know! ''[continue arguing]'' :'''Amethyst''': ..Uh, this is new. I kinda like it. :'''Pearl''': Steven, you just don't know what you're talking about. :'''Steven''': It sounds like... maybe... <big>''YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT''!!!</big> :'''Pearl''': ..Ugh!! :'''Garnet''': ''[cuts them off]'' Okay, Steven, that's enough. Let it go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garnet''': It doesn't matter now. ''[summons her gauntlets, enlarges them, and destroys the Homeworld warp]'' She's '''''not''''' coming back! === ''Alone Together'' === :'''Steven''': I don't get it! I thought I almost had it. :'''Pearl''': Nobody expects you to be able to perform fusion right away, Steven. :'''Amethyst''': Yeah! It's really hard, even for us. :'''Garnet''': Not for me. :'''Pearl''': We'll keep working on the dance for now, and who knows, in a few years... I wonder though if Steven's body is capable of fusion. Fusion merges the physical forms of Gems, but Steven is half-human. He's organic. :'''Steven''': Organic? :'''Amethyst''': Aw, come on! It's Steven! Who knows what's gonna happen? ''[laughing out loud]'' :'''Garnet''': Well, I think Steven can do it. <hr width=50% /> :'''Stevonnie''': I have to show everybody. ''[shows the Gems their form back at the temple]'' Pretty cool, right? :'''Pearl''': ''[baffled]'' He fused with his friend, Connie? :'''Amethyst''': ''[chuckles as she looks at Garnet]'' Pearl, look at Garnet. :''[Garnet has her hands clapped together and a big grin on her face]'' :'''Pearl''': This is unprecedented. ''[examines Steven and Connie's fusion]'' A Gem fusing with a human being? It's impossible! Or, at the very least, inappropriate. :'''Amethyst''': Wow! You two look great together! How does it feel, Steven? Connie? …Stevonnie? :'''Stevonnie''': It feels amazing! :'''Pearl''': Yes. Well, I'm glad you're enjoying yourselves, but you two should un-fuse this instant. :'''Stevonnie''': Wait, what?! Pearl, you were so worried Steven wouldn't be able to do this. Aren't you proud of him? :'''Pearl''': Of course I am! I... ''[turns to Garnet]'' Garnet, help me out here! :'''Garnet''': Stevonnie... ''[walks to her]'' listen to me. ''[Pearl and Amethyst walk away]'' You are not two people, and you are not one person. You... are an experience! Make sure you're a good experience. Now... go…have…''FUN!'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Stevonnie runs away from the dance floor, leans against a wall to catch their breath]'' :'''Stevonnie''': I don't understand what's wrong. You have fun dancing, but this dance isn't fun! You're supposed to like this. Why don't you like this? ''[sighs, stands up]'' I wish you were here. If we were together, it would be okay. But... we ''are'' together, and it's not. I'm alone. ''[Kevin's hand leans on the wall next to Stevonnie's side]'' :'''Kevin''': Not tonight. ''[pan left to him smirking]'' Hey, baby. Why'd you leave me on the dance floor? :'''Stevonnie''': I don't... ''[pushes Kevin's hand away]'' I don't want to dance anymore. :'''Kevin''': What are you talking about? We're the best thing that's ever happened to this place. Come back out with me. :'''Stevonnie''': Why should I?! :'''Kevin''': Because we're angels walking among garbage people. We're perfect for each other. :'''Stevonnie''': How can you say that?! You don't even know us! :'''Kevin''': Oh, whoa. I'm just looking for a dance! Don't get crazy. :'''Stevonnie''': No one is crazy, I just don't like feeling alone here! :'''Kevin''': If you're so lonely, then dance with me. :'''Stevonnie''': ''Ugh''! ''[growls]'' Fine. You wanna dance? Let's go. :''[Stevonnie grabs Kevin's arm and drags him onto the dance floor. Stevonnie turns around and looks down their nose at Kevin]'' :'''Stevonnie''': And it's Stevonnie; I am ''not'' your baby. === ''The Test'' === :'''Steven''': ''[holds the Sea Spire statue, sighs]'' I... I'm really sorry I forgot it on our mission that time. :'''Pearl''': Oh, Steven... :'''Steven''': If I had just remembered to pack it, then maybe the Sea Spire would still be around. But now it's gone forever 'cause of me. :'''Amethyst''': Well, yeah, but... Don't worry about it, guy. :'''Garnet''': You did your best on that mission and that's what counts. :'''Steven''': But the Sea Spire! It was a special, important Gem... place! :'''Pearl''': ''[walks to Steven]'' Oh, Steven, no, no, no. If the Spire had been crucial, we wouldn't have used it as a test for you. It's fine, really. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' ..Test? What do you mean, "test"? :''[Garnet and Amethyst glance at each other. Pearl gets worried with thunderous sounds]'' :'''Pearl''': Uhh... well, it wasn't really a "test", per se—not in the traditional sense... We just wanted to see if you were ready to go on missions. :'''Steven''': ..That's exactly what a test is! :'''Pearl''': Oouhh... :'''Garnet''': Steven, it wasn't something we planned behind your back. We just saw an opportunity and— :'''Steven''': ''[gasps]'' And I failed it! ''[long beat]'' I failed the test... :'''Amethyst''': No way, you got at least a 50 percent. :'''Pearl''': Oh! And you had that raft so we didn't have to swim home? That's a solid 75—not failing at all! Besides, that Spire was in much worse shape than we thought. It should have been even easier. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' ...I FAILED AN ''EASY'' TEST!?! :'''Amethyst''': ''[to Pearl]'' Nice one. :'''Garnet''': ''[stands up]'' Hmm... :'''Pearl''': ''[sweating]'' That's not what I meant! I— :'''Steven''': No! I need another test! A hard one! :'''Pearl''': ''[pause]'' But, Steven... you've come so far. :'''Steven''': Let me prove it! Test me! Test me!! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steven''': I... can't believe it. Arrgh!! "It won't be easy. Good luck, you're gonna need it!" ''[beat]'' How am I supposed to prove myself if you guys keep— :'''Amethyst''': ''[heard offscreen]'' What's taking him so long? :'''Pearl''': I didn't think mine was very difficult. ''[Steven observes the Gems in the distance]'' Do you think he hurt himself? :'''Garnet''': There's no way. It's impossible for him to fail. :'''Amethyst''': Uggh. So what's the point? :'''Pearl''': The point is that he's come so far. He can make Rose's bubble and he's pulled out Rose's shield twice, but he's lost his healing powers. We have to give him another success. He can't lose his confidence like that again! :''[Pearl and Amethyst remain silent for a long beat]'' :'''Amethyst''': We're bad at this. :'''Pearl''': What?! :'''Amethyst''': Yeah. You can't control him, and he shouldn't be taking advice from me, and we don't have Rose to tell us what to do! :'''Pearl''': But he needs us to show him how to be a Gem! :'''Garnet''': Steven is not just a Gem. If there's never been anything or anyone like Steven... we don't know what he needs. === ''Future Vision'' === :''[Steven trips on a tennis ball going downstairs that sends him flying before being catched by Garnet]'' :'''Steven''': Ah! Garnet! :'''Garnet''': Good morning to you, Steven. :'''Steven''': Boy, I sure am lucky you showed up when you did. ''[Garnet puts him down]'' :'''Garnet''': Luck's got nothing to do with it. :'''Steven''': Wait... what do you mean by that? :'''Garnet''': Aw, don't worry about it. :'''Steven''': No, seriously! How do you always know when to be? :'''Garnet''': ''[holds MC Bear-Bear]'' Mmm... I don't think you can handle that information. :'''Steven''': Are you gonna tell me something cool about yourself? ''[smiles excitedly]'' :'''Garnet''': Nope. :'''Steven''': Aw, come on! I'm a b— large... man now! :'''Garnet''': Well... I guess you could say that I have a sort of... future vision. ''[shades glimmer]'' I'm able to see possible outcomes to most situations—which comes in handy since you seem to attract a lot of danger. :'''Steven''': Well, danger is my middle name. :'''Garnet''': That's a lie. Your middle name is cutie pie. ''[touches his nose]'' :'''Steven''': Hahh! <hr width="50%"> :'''Steven''': ''[enters the Big Donut]'' So, what would happen if I said hi to Sadie? :'''Garnet''': The most probable outcome is that Sadie will say hi back. :'''Steven''': Hmm... Hi, Sadie! :'''Sadie''': Oh, hi, Steven. :'''Steven''': ''[chuckles]'' Aw, that was an easy one. What would happen if... ''[points to Lars at the coffee machine]'' I said hi to my BFF, Lars? Our friendship is deep but complicated. So the outcome of this experiment is ''waaaay'' unpredictable! :'''Garnet''': I see a single potential future where Lars gives you a high five. ''[starry-eyed Steven gasps at Garnet]'' And two more potential futures where you suffer third-degree burns all over your body. :'''Steven''': A high five... from Lars! ''[runs to him]'' Hi, Lars! :''[a startled Lars suddenly throws the coffee jar up high and falls down onto Steven before Garnet blocks it with coffee all over her body]'' :'''Lars''': Criminy! Are you okay?! That coffee was really hot! :'''Garnet''': I drink coffee for breakfast. ''[absorbs coffee with her body]'' :'''Steven''': Eh-heheheheh... Funny! <hr width="50%"> :'''Garnet''': Steven! Get off the roof! :'''Steven''': No! ''[lightning crashes]'' If something is going to happen to me... just let it happen. :'''Garnet''': Steven! You don't understand! :'''Steven''': No, ''you'' don't understand! Everything I do shoves me violently towards the end! The more I know, ''[kneels down with his hands in the air]'' the more I know that I don't know! I can't live like this! Why did you tell me about future vision?! What's going to happen to me on the roof?! :'''Garnet''': ''[beat]'' This. :'''Steven''': Wh...what?! :'''Garnet''': I knew you might do this if I told you about my power. I saw this, and I told you anyway. :'''Steven''': But... why?! :'''Garnet''': I took a risk at your expense! There was a chance you'd understand this so we'd be closer! ''[takes off her shades]'' Steven, I see so many things that can hurt you. ''[closeup on three-eyed Garnet in the rain]'' I should never have let one of them be me. :''[Steven pauses for a beat, Garnet puts her shades back on]'' :'''Garnet''': There are millions of possibilities for the future, but it's up to you to choose which becomes reality. Please understand! You choose your own future. :'''Steven''': I do understand! I— ''[lightning crashes]'' ..What am I doing? ''[beat]'' I guess I can't really... see a future for myself up here. :''[Steven slides down the roof, runs to Garnet and embraces her]'' :'''Steven''': I'll watch out for myself from now on. :''[for a beat, Garnet gazes at the dark clouds and blocks a lightning bolt which is about to hit Steven]'' :'''Steven''': What was that? :'''Garnet''': Oh, nothing important. === ''On the Run'' === :'''Steven''': ''It's time to get moving, time for us to have some fun'' :''There's no time to hang around, our adventure's just begun'' :''We'll be thinking 'bout our friends as we chase the setting sun'' :'''Both''': ''But we're leaving them behind, we're on the run.'' :'''Steven/Amethyst''': ''(We're on the run) I don't care about what all the others say'' :''(We're on the run) Well, I guess there are some things that will just never go away'' :''(We're on the run) I wish that I could say that there's no better place than home'' :''[together] But home's a place that I have never known'' :''That's why we're on the run.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl''': ''[summons her spear]'' I don't want to fight you! :'''Amethyst''': I wouldn't want to fight me neither! <hr width=50%/> :''[Steven pushes rubble to clear the entrance of Amethyst's hole, where she sits down sulking]'' :'''Steven''': Amethyst! :'''Amethyst''': Go away! I'm bad and you shouldn't be around me. :'''Steven''': What? That's ridiculous! Look, I don't know what any of this really means, but I— :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, you don't. 'Cause if you did, you wouldn't be talking to me. ''[Steven pauses for a beat, turns to Pearl]'' :'''Steven''': Pearl, get in here. You gotta help me. :'''Pearl''': But— :'''Steven''': You have to talk to her. :''[Pearl slides in next to Amethyst in her hole with Steven watching]'' :'''Pearl''': Amethyst? ''[closeup on Amethyst's tearful face]'' ..Amethyst, I-I had no idea you've been upset about this. :'''Amethyst''': ''What''?! You had no idea?! ''[scoffs]'' This is, like, my ''entire'' existence! You want to pretend that none of this ''ever'' happened! You think I'm just a '''big mistake!!''' :'''Pearl''': ''[gasps]'' No, no, Amethyst! You're not the mistake. You're just the byproduct of a... big mistake. ''[beat]'' No, that's not— I... I just never thought of ''this'' as ''you''. None of this is your fault! You didn't build this place! I... I'm sorry, Amethyst. I hope you can forgive me. You're the one good thing that came out of this mess. I always thought you were proud of that. === ''Horror Club'' === :''[Steven, Lars, and Ronaldo head down into the lighthouse basement and find a pulsing flesh-like structure with Lars' name carved on the wall]'' :'''Ronaldo''': ''[to Lars; coldly]'' It should have been you. :'''Lars''': What?! :'''Ronaldo''': It took her, but it should have been you, Lars! :'''Steven''': Whoa! Hold on, Ronaldo. <hr width=50%> :'''Steven''': ''[holding up a gemstone]'' It's a gem! :''[The gem glows, enveloping the place in a bright light, and begins to project a holographic flashback of Ronaldo and Lars as kids]'' :'''Young Ronaldo''': This is the perfect clubhouse for the Beach City Explorer Club! ''[laughs]'' :'''Young Lars''': Secret clubhouse, right, Ronnie? ''[makes mouth zipping motions]'' Zip! :''[The group watches as Steven laughs and Lars groans]'' :'''Young Ronaldo''': Lars, you're a riot! ''[gets startled by scraping noises]'' Dude! :'''Young Lars''': ''[using a screwdriver to etch his name on the wall]'' Just carving our names in. Pretty metal, huh? ''[sticks the screwdriver into the wall, causing the whole place to rumble]'' :'''Young Ronaldo''': Weird… ''[quickly snaps a photo of a wooden board springing outwards from the wall, knocking Young Lars away]'' Holy smokes! The clubhouse is possessed! ''[runs over to Lars and shows him the photo]'' Lars, Lars! When you turn on the TV tomorrow, this is what's gonna be on every station! :'''Young Lars''': ''[nervously sweating]'' B-B-But— But you said this was secret. :'''Young Ronaldo''': Our first paranormal discovery! We're gonna take on the world together! :'''Young Lars''': Um… Let me just… Uh, I'll just, uh… ''[begins ripping the photo into pieces]'' :'''Young Ronaldo''': ''[gasps in horror]'' No! What are you doing?! No-no-no-no-no-no! :'''Young Lars''': I'm just tearing myself out. :'''Young Ronaldo''': Stop! ''[grabs Lars and reaches for the remains of the photo]'' Let me… see! ''[yanks Lars' arm down and retrieves the torn photo]'' What'd you do? Ohh! :'''Young Lars''': Oh, come on, Ronnie… You know I can't let people see me like that. :'''Young Ronaldo''': What?! What's the matter with you?! ''[angrily shoves him]'' Don't you know how important this was?! ''[he and Young Lars begin wrestling; Young Lars steps on his foot and starts to run away]'' Why do you care so much about what other people think?! :'''Young Lars''': ''[tearing up, angrily]'' You wouldn't say that if you knew what other people say about ''YOU!'' :''[Ronaldo gets visibly angry as he watches while Lars cowers in shame]'' :'''Young Ronaldo''': ''[after Young Lars runs away and disappears]'' Lars? ''[also disappears]'' :''[The flashback projection from the gem ends]'' :'''Steven''': Okay, shh. I've got you. When you were stuck in the wall, was the house like your body? You must have felt like you were under attack back when Lars carved his name in you. :'''Ronaldo''': Can I see that? :'''Steven''': Uh, sorry. We should let it rest. ''[bubbles the gem and sends it away to The Burning Room in the temple]'' :'''Sadie''': So, all that lashing out was just from feeling hurt and trapped for so long. :'''Lars''': ''[talking about the photo]'' I didn't mean to rip it up, okay? ''[looks away]'' You can stop talking about me now. <hr width=50%> :'''Ronaldo''': Hey, Lars. Take it down a notch. :''[Star iris zooms in on Lars, with an annoyed/embarrassed look on his face]'' === ''Winter Forecast'' === === ''Maximum Capacity'' === :'''Greg''': What's that? I'm missing the fireworks! It's past midnight! How did I get so sucked into this show again?! It's like everything else just disappears! ''Ugghh''!! ''[leaves]'' :'''Amethyst''': ''[grabs his hand]'' Whoa, whoa, don't go! We're having a really good time! Here, look. I got the two-part Hawaii special. :'''Greg''': But... Steven really wanted me to do New Year's. :'''Amethyst''': He'll be fine! He's Steven, he's tough. :'''Greg''': ''I'' wanted to be there! :'''Amethyst''': Here, here, it would've been like this. ''[shapeshifts into Steven]'' Whoa, fireworks! ''[guffaws]'' Hey, Dad, come on! Now let's watch some ''Li'l Butler''! :'''Greg''': Amethyst, you know how I feel about shapeshifting. :'''Amethyst''': ..Geez, sorry! I was just trying to cheer you up. ''[shapeshifts into Greg, leans on him]'' Oh, that's right, I forgot, you're ''sooo'' sensitive! :'''Greg''': I know you like making me uncomfortable, but it's not funny. I can't stay here and humor you. I have to be there for my son! :''[Amethyst goes stiff for a beat before turning back to normal in a fit]'' :'''Amethyst''': Well, what about me, huh?! I had someone who was always there for me until she started hanging out with '''YOU'''!! :'''Greg''': Don't do this, Amethyst. Seriously. :'''Amethyst''': I bet you'd stay for ''her''! :'''Greg''': You wouldn't. :'''Amethyst''': What? Do ''this''? ''[shapeshifts in Rose Quartz, Greg turns away]'' Hey, Greg! ''[laughs, with Steven watching]'' Turn around! Check it out! :'''Greg''': I know you're doing it! I want to be friends again, I really do! But I can't let you do this to me again! :'''Steven''': ''[runs atop the couch]'' STOP!! :''[Amethyst looks right at Steven as Rose. Steven's eyes widen in horror and shuts his eyes. The television suddenly cuts to static and Amethyst turns back to herself with Greg, terrified]'' :'''Steven''': What are you two doing?! ''[long beat]'' ..I get it. It's hard to deal with stuff from the past. You want to put it off because there's tons of it and it's really heavy and... it means a lot to you, so it's hard to let anything go. But you gotta! Because this thing is FULL!! ''[picks and throws cat carrier]'' Seriously, when did you even have a cat?! === ''Marble Madness'' === :''[Steven warps to the desert where Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst start brawling another giant marble robot]'' :'''Pearl''': Stop—coming—here, you—stupid—balls!! :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, let it out! Get crazy!! Whoa! :'''Steven''': Guys, guys, guys! ''[flailing his arms]'' Stop!! How many more of these things are you gonna have to fight?! :'''Pearl''': We don't know! They just keep coming and coming, and we don't even know what they are! We don't know anything!! :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' That's okay. I don't know anything all the time. It's like my whole life. But I have you guys to tell me about tell me about Gem stuff, Connie can explain what Familiars are, and Dad tells me weird dad stuff. :'''Pearl''': But nobody knows what these things are here to do. :'''Steven''': Well... it probably does. :'''Pearl''': ''[pause]'' ..What? :'''Steven''': We could follow it and see where it goes. :'''Amethyst''': ARE YOU '''NUTS'''!?! :'''Pearl''': Who knows what could go wrong?! :'''Garnet''': We can't keep fighting these things forever. Well, we can, but I don't want to. Let's do it Steven's way. :'''Steven''': Yeah! ''[sings]'' ''Let's follow the funky flow!'' :'''Amethyst''': ''[beat]'' ..We're dead. <hr width=50%> :'''Amethyst''': ''[quietly]'' It's Peridot! :'''Pearl''': ''[gasps in shock; quietly]'' Is she trying to reactivate the Kindergarten? Doesn't she know it'll destroy all life on Earth?! :'''Steven''': Why don't we ask her? :'''Garnet''': ''[quietly]'' Shh! Steven, we're facing an enemy we don't know, with technology we don't understand. This isn't the time to be asking questions. :'''Steven''': Really sounds like it is. <hr width=50%> :'''Peridot''': Now accounting for all operational injectors. Checking for aberrations in perimeter. Ugh, this Gem tech is simply archaic. :'''Steven''': I don't know... I think it looks pretty cool. ''[Peridot abruptly cancels out all the operations and turns her screen at him]'' Hi! I'm Steven. ''[Peridot's screen swoops up close at him]'' :'''Peridot''': There appears to be an infestation of Stevens in the Kindergarten. :'''Steven''': Aw, I'm not so bad once you get to know me. :'''Peridot''': And how many more Stevens are present in this area? :'''Steven''': Oh... just me. :'''Peridot''': Ah, that's a relief. So tell me—have Stevens replaced ''humans'' as the dominant species on Earth? :'''Steven''': Oh, no! There's lots of humans! There's my dad, Connie, Lars and Sadie, the mailman, Onion... I think—lots of people! :'''Peridot''': "Hmm..." :'''Steven''': Now I get to ask a question. What are ''you'' doing? :'''Peridot''': "Hm, just picking up where we left off." :''[one of the giant hand constructs hovers above Steven, forms a fist and plummets down at him before Garnet catches and throws it away]'' :'''Peridot''': "A Gem?!" ''[Amethyst and Pearl jump up]'' "Ah! More?! But the Red Eye didn't report the presence of any Gems on this planet!" :'''Pearl''': That's because we destroyed it! :'''Peridot''': "You what?! But the records say that Gems were wiped out on Earth! Wait a minute... ''[turns resilient]'' You were the ones that have been destroying my plug robonoids! Are you the reason the Homeworld warp is down again? ''[shows crying waffle sticker]'' This is your bizarre icon?! ''Uhrooh''!! Why do you keep destroying my ''things''!?!" :'''Pearl''': Because we are the Crystal Gems! We're still alive and we're still the guardians of this planet and all its living creatures!! :'''Peridot''': "..The Crystal Gems?" ''[the Gems charge and attack the giant hands]'' "Stop! How dare you! I'm doing this one way or another! You're just... making it... really... difficult!!" :'''Garnet''': Amethyst! Now! ''[Amethyst latches the hand in mid-air]'' :'''Amethyst''': <big>'''''DESTROY''!!!''' </big> ''[swings hand and crashes into the power source]'' :'''Peridot''': "I'm reporting this!" === ''Rose's Scabbard'' === :'''Steven''': Pearl! ''[Pearl sniffles]'' Pearl, you have to tell me what's wrong. :'''Pearl''': Sometimes... you even sound like her. ''[beat]'' Do you remember this place? Do you have any of her memories? We were right here... ''[Steven walks to her]'' over 5,000 years ago. :''[Pearl generates a holographic projection of Rose Quartz from her gemstone and kneels behind to her. Steven looks up to her, dumbstruck. Holo-Rose turns back to Pearl]'' :'''Holo-Rose''': ''[Pearl speaking her words]'' "Pearl..." :'''Pearl''': Yes? :'''Holo-Rose''': "I'm going to stay and fight for this planet. You don't have to do this with me." :'''Pearl''': But I want to! :'''Holo-Rose''': "I know you do. Please, please understand. If we lose, we'll be killed. And if we win... we can never go home." :'''Pearl''': ''[wheezes]'' Why would I ever want to go home if you're here? :''[Holo-Rose pauses for a beat, chuckles. She offers her hand to Pearl, who looks up to her]'' :'''Holo-Rose''': "My Pearl." :'''Pearl''': You're wonderful. :''[they grasp each other's hands, and Holo-Rose vanishes suddenly soon after]'' :'''Pearl''': Everything I ever did, I did for her. Now she's gone... but I'm still here. ''[beat]'' Sometimes, I wonder if she can see me through your eyes. ''[sighs]'' What would she think of me now? :''[Steven hesitates behind Pearl for a long beat, and proceeds to hug her]'' :'''Steven''': Well... I think you're pretty great. ''[Pearl starts crying]'' : === ''The Message'' === :'''Steven''': ''She was trapped in a mirror and it couldn't be clearer'' :''She wanted to leave this place and get herself back in space'' :''And Dad, you might think she's a criminal'' :''But her friendship comes through subliminal.'' :''Lapis Lazuli'' :''You fled into the bottom of the sea'' :''Lapis Lazuli'' :''You were so mad but then you came around to me...'' <hr width=50%> :'''Garnet''': I don't understand. That thing has laid dormant since we found it. :'''Pearl''': I haven't heard a Wailing Stone activate since we used them for the rebellion, and I've never heard it sound like ''that''! :'''Garnet''': Someone is trying to send us a message. :'''Pearl''': But who?! We've rounded up all the Wailing Stones on Earth, and we're not sending this message to ourselves! Unless... Amethyst, is this a prank?! :'''Amethyst''': No way! I want it to stop!! '''I DON'T LIKE IT'''!! :'''Garnet''': If it's not coming from Earth, then a Gem must be sending this message from space. :'''Steven''': Is that... what some Gems sound like? :'''Pearl''': No, no. We should be hearing a voice. Maybe this signal is too advanced for the Wailing Stone to process. That would explain the distorted audio. :'''Steven''': ..Audio? My daddy-o knows audio! :'''Amethyst''': Uhh, you mean Greg? :'''Steven''': Yeah! :'''Pearl''': I don't know... :'''Garnet''': Don't whine. Let's try it. <hr width=50%> :'''Greg''': ''I could have tamed you, I could have shown'' :''That I could depose you from your loud throne'' :''But in the end I wasn't good enough :''I just showed the Gems that I ain't got the stuff.'' :''Oh-oh, Wailing Stone'' :''I tried so hard to fly but I was thrown'' :''Oh-whoa, Wailing Stone'' :''I gotta tell the Gems 'cause they should know.'' :''Have a little, have a little, have a little faith in me!'' :''I just wanted to help'' :''You know I have a little, have a little'' :''Have a little expertise!'' :''I know it's not much, but if it could come in handy'' :''I'd wanna be there'' :''I think so highly of you, it just isn't fair'' :''That you have so little faith...'' :''[spoke]'' Eh, it's a B-side. <hr width=50%> :'''Lapis''': ''[appears as a visualization on video] Steven!'' :'''Steven''': Lapis? :'''Greg''': I did it! :'''Pearl''': I can't believe my flipping eyes! :'''Garnet''': Everyone, listen up! :'''Lapis''': ''I hope you're able to hear this. There's a Gem that's looking for you. She even knew your name! I don't know how... I didn't tell her, I swear! She's on her way to Earth... and she's '''not''' alone! Steven, Homeworld... it's not the way it used to be. Everything here is so advanced! I can't even understand it. There's no way anything on Earth can stand up to it. Please, don't put up a fight. It'll only lead to devastation!'' :''[Video suddenly cuts to static; The group pauses for a beat]'' :'''Pearl''': ''[worried]'' It's Peridot. She must be talking about Peridot. :'''Amethyst''': She's coming for us! :'''Steven''': Lapis... she sounds so unhappy. === ''Political Power'' === :'''Steven''': What's wrong with the microwa—ow!! ''[grumbles]'' What is the meaning of this?! ''[knocking on door]'' Huh? ''[walks to the door, opens it]'' Mayor Dewey? :'''Mayor Dewey''': Hello there, young Universe. Any of your... sisters home? :'''Steven''': My sisters? :'''Mayor Dewey''': Your caretakers, you know. The tall one, the purple one, the hot one? ''[Steven stares for a beat]'' Look, the power's out and I've been mayor long enough to know they had something to do with it. :'''Steven''': ..My sisters? :'''Mayor Dewey''': Is there anyone else I can talk to about this? :'''Steven''': Pearl!! :'''Pearl''': Coming! ''[walks to him with the robonoid]'' Oh, can I help you? :'''Mayor Dewey''': Yes... oh, hi! Uh, Beach City is currently experiencing a widespread power outage— ''[the robonoid sparks]'' :'''Pearl''': Oh, don't worry about that. The power should be back on as early as tonight, or as late as... never. :'''Mayor Dewey''': '''Never''' coming ''back''!?! :'''Pearl''': Yes? :'''Mayor Dewey''': No, no, no! It has to come back! The people of Beach City can't handle a situation like this! They need their electronic ''distractions'' so they won't notice that this town is a magnet for disaster!! :'''Pearl''': Oh, don't be dramatic. I saw humans get on fine without power for millennia. You used to hunt and gather. ''[chuckles]'' What happened to that? :'''Mayor Dewey''': You don't understand! Sure, things seem calm now in the light of day, but when the sun goes down, so does... the town. :'''Steven''': ''[beat]'' He's right. Mayor Dewey, this is our responsibility. We'll help you clean up this mess. :'''Garnet''': ''[inside]'' No, we won't! ''[Pearl goes back inside]'' :'''Steven''': ''I'll'' help you clean up this mess. :'''Mayor Dewey''': Okay. But you're not getting paid. === ''The Return (1)'' === :'''Steven''': Maybe when Peridot gets to Earth, she'll see how nice all the people are, and she won't want to hurt anyone. :'''Greg''': You're just like your mother. :'''Steven''': Yeah? :'''Greg''': Yeah. But these other Gems aren't like your mother. They're not like Garnet, Amethyst or Pearl—they're not gonna start caring about people now. They didn't the first time they— :'''Steven''': The first time they what? :'''Greg''': I mean—it was thousands of years ago! It's— it's not like I was there! ''[pauses for a beat]'' Th-the Gems should be telling you all this stuff, but... I get it, I mean—they don't want you thinking of them like that! :'''Steven''': Like what? :''[Greg is profusely sweating with fear]'' :'''Steven''': Dad, like what?! :'''Greg''': Like aliens, Steven!! Aliens who invaded Earth!! :'''Steven''': What..? :'''Greg''': All they do was try to make up for it, but... they just can't forgive themselves! Do you understand? Look, they were doing something awful to the planet, and your mother couldn't stand it anymore. She told me that's why she had to turn on her own kind. She gave up everything just to stop what they started here and drive the invading Gems off of Earth. :'''Steven''': So... sh-she saved the world, that's good! :'''Greg''': Uhh, no such thing as a good war, kiddo. Gems were destroyed. People too. In the end, your mother could only save a handful of her closest friends. If it weren't for her shield, man... I don't know. :''[Greg looks at teary-eyed Steven for a beat]'' :'''Greg''': Bu-but hey! Let's look on the bright side! We're gonna drop by that waffle place in a couple miles. :'''Steven''': We gotta go back! Turn the van around!! :'''Greg''': No way! The Gems don't want you going back! :'''Steven''': I know they're just trying to protect me, but... I have to protect ''them''! I have Mom's shield! They need me! :'''Greg''': I need you too!! :'''Steven''': Please, Dad! What if they get hurt?! ''[Greg is still driving straight]'' Dad, turn around!! DAD!! ''[breaks into tears and punches the glove compartment]'' TURN THE VAN AROUND, '''PLEASE!!!''' <hr width=50% /> :'''Jasper''': This is their base? :'''Lapis''': Yes. :'''Garnet''': You need to leave immediately! :'''Amethyst''': Yeah, step off! :'''Pearl''': This is not a Gem controlled planet! :'''Jasper''': Neither of you saw Rose Quartz? Oh, what a shame. I'd hoped to meet her. I was looking forward to beating her into the ground! <hr width=50% /> :'''Garnet''': Steven, get out of here! :'''Steven''': No! :'''Garnet''': I won't let you risk your life! :'''Steven''': ''[tearing up]'' But this is ''my'' home, and you're all my family! ''[his gem glows]'' :'''Peridot''': Firing. :'''Steven''': I'm… I'm a Crystal Gem TOO! ''[jumps in front of the firing beam from the ship and summons out Rose's shield, protecting the Gems and himself]'' :'''Jasper''': ''[turns around in shock]'' That shield! That symbol! ''[Steven collapses to the ground after his shield dispels]'' You! You have the power of Rose Quartz! :'''Peridot''': Now do you believe I needed an escort? :'''Jasper''': Fire a barrage, widespread! ''[to Steven after the ship fires a cut line across the beach]'' Rose, why do you look like that? Why are you so weak? :'''Lapis''': Don't hurt him! :'''Jasper''': You knew about this! :'''Lapis''': It wasn't relevant to the mission! :'''Jasper''': Forget about the mission! :'''Peridot''': What?! :'''Jasper''': Yellow Diamond needs to see this... thing. === ''[[w:Jail Break (Steven Universe episode)|Jail Break]] (2)'' === :''[the red-colored Gem runs to a cell with Steven and gasps]'' :'''Gem''': Oh, it's just you... :'''Steven''': Lapis! ''[Lapis looks behind]'' Lapis, I can get you out! ''[moves his arms forward]'' :'''Lapis''': Stop!! :'''Steven''': It's okay, I can— :'''Lapis''': No! I don't want your help! Things are bad enough as it is! I've already made too much trouble. Once we get back to Homeworld, they're going to decide what to do with us. :'''Gem''': '''ARRGH!!''' I don't have time for this!! ''[runs off]'' :'''Steven''': Wait! :'''Lapis''': Steven, whatever you're doing, just stop. If we do everything they say, they might go easy on us. :'''Steven''': But they're... mean! They hurt my friends, they hurt my face! They've got you here in prison! :'''Lapis''': That's why we can't fight them. :'''Steven''': That's why we ''have'' to fight them! :''[Lapis turns herself to the right side, looking down on the floor]'' :'''Steven''': I'll come back for you. <hr width="50%"> :'''Garnet''': ''This is Garnet, back together'' :''And I'm never goin' down at the hands of the likes of you'' :''Because I'm so much better'' :''And every part of me is saying "Go get her."'' :''The two of us ain't gonna follow your rules'' :''Come at me without any of your fancy tools'' :''Let's go, just me and you'' :''Let's go, just one on two.'' :''Go ahead and try hit me if you're able'' :''Can't you see that my relationship is stable?'' :''I can see you hate the way we {{w|intermingling|intermingle}}'' :''But I think you're just mad 'cause you're single'' :''And you're not gonna stop what we made together'' :''We are gonna stay like this forever'' :''If you break us apart, we'll just come back newer'' :''And we'll always be twice the Gem that you are.'' :''I am made o-o-o-o-of lo-o-o-o-ove, o-o-o-o-ove'' :''Lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove'' :''Mm-m-m-m-mm, m-m-m-m-mm, m-m-m-m-mm...'' <hr width=25%> :''This is who we are, this is who I am'' :''And if you think you can stop me, then you need to think again'' :''Because I am a feeling, and I will never end'' :''And I won't let you hurt my planet, and I won't let you hurt my friends.'' :''Go ahead and try hit me if you're able'' :''Can't you see that my relationship is stable?'' :''I know you think I'm not something you're afraid of'' :'''Cause you think that you've seen what I'm made of'' :''Well, I am even more than the two of them'' :''Everything they care about is what I am'' :''I am their fury, I am their patience'' :''I am a conversation.'' :''I am made o-o-o-o-of lo-o-o-o-ove, o-o-o-o-ove'' :''And it's stronger than you'' :''Lo-o-o-o-ove, o-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove'' :''And it's stronger than you.'' :''Lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove'' :''And it's stronger than you'' :''O-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove, lo-o-o-o-ove...'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Malachite (Jasper)''': What are you doing?! :'''Malachite (Lapis)''': I'm done being everyone's prisoner. Now you're ''MY'' prisoner! And I'm never letting you '''GO!''' :'''Steven''': Lapis! :'''Malachite (Lapis)''': Let's stay on this miserable planet… ''together!'' {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Steven Universe seasons]] pbteweqvlupgofyy2e8xaml20na3o2c 0 196765 3944732 3830763 2026-05-24T05:10:44Z ~2026-23137-91 3311059 /* Dialogue */ 3944732 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:New York Comic Con 2015 - The Thing (21916161050).jpg|thumb|No, Vic. It’s clobbering time!]] {{italic_title}} '''''[[w:Fantastic Four (2005 film)|Fantastic Four]]''''' is a 2005 [[w:superhero film|superhero film]] about a group of astronauts who gain superpowers after a cosmic radiation exposure and must use them to oppose the plans of their enemy, Doctor Victor Von Doom. It is based on the Marvel Comics property of the same name. :''Directed by [[w:Tim Story|Tim Story]]. Written by [[w:Mark Frost|Mark Frost]], [[w:Michael France|Michael France]] (''movie''), [[w:Stan Lee|Stan Lee]], [[w:Jack Kirby|Jack Kirby]] (''comic book'') {{center|'''Prepare for the fantastic.'''}} == Dialogue == :'''Ben''': What's wrong with me? :'''Johnny''': I swear they've done everything humanly possible. The best plastic surgeons in the world, Ben. You had the best - :'''Ben''': ''[getting frantic]'' Give me a mirror... :'''Johnny''': They said that's not such a good idea, the shock alone could &ndash; :'''Ben''': I said give me the goddamn mirror! :''(Ben finally sees his face, it looks completely normal)'' :'''Johnny''': ''(beginning to laugh)'' Unfortunately, the doctors just couldn't do anything to fix your face. ---- :'''Sue''': ''[to Reed]'' Look at me. :'''Reed''': ''[looking up and seeing, or not seeing that Sue has turned invisible]'' I can't. :'''Sue''': What do you mean you can't?! Look at me! :'''Reed''': Sue, look at your hands! ---- :''[Sue turns invisible and starts to undress, then turns visible again]'' :'''Reed''': Wow. You've been working out. :'''Sue''': Shut up! ---- :'''Sue''': Johnny, say you're sorry. :''[Johnny throws a fireball at Ben]'' :'''Ben''': Did you just-- ''[ hit with another fireball]'' :'''Sue''': Johnny, stop it! :'''Ben''': That's it, Tinker Bell! YOU WANNA FLY?! :'''Reed''': No, Ben. :'''Ben''': THEN FLY!!! ''[Ben punches through Reed's body to launch Johnny into the Burger King sign]'' :'''Sue''': Wait a minute, guys. Ben, don't do this. :''[Ben growls at Johnny]'' :'''Johnny''': Let's see if we can get blood from a stone. :'''Sue''': Johnny? :'''Ben''': Let's see. Bring it, Burnout. ---- :'''Reporter''': So what can you tell us about the outfit? : '''Johnny''': ''[on tv]'' Not too much, but I will say that it's all weather and no leather. Kind of Armani meets Astronaut. :''[Ben, Sue, and Reed stare at the wall-sized TV, mouths agape.]'' :'''Sue''': He didn't. :'''Ben''': Oh, yes, he did. Flame-boy never listens. :'''Sue''': What did he do to his uniform? :''(Reed looks down at his own uniform, to Johnny's uniform on the TV, which has the same insignia, and surreptitiously tries to cover his insignia with his jacket)'' :'''Reporter''': So what are your superhero names? :'''Johnny''': They call me the Human Torch. Ladies call me Torch. :'''Reporter''': What about the rest of the team? :'''Johnny''': ''[points to a visual]'' That's the Invisible Girl. : '''Sue''': 'Girl'..? :'''Reporter''': That's easy to remember. And Reed Richards? I heard they call him Mr. Fantastic. And can he really stretch any part of his anatomy? :''[Cheers from the female members of the public behind them]'' :'''Johnny''': Well, I've always found him to be a little limp. ''[Another cheer from the people behind them]'' :'''Ben''': Could be worse. :'''Reporter''': What is that? What is that thing? :'''Johnny''': That's it. The Thing. If you think that's bad, you should have seen him before. :'''Ben''': Okay, now I'm gonna go kill him. ---- :''[Ben and Leonard walk into the lab where Victor is.]'' :'''Victor''': Ben. Come in. :''[Ben and Leonard stop walking.]'' :'''Ben''': What is this? Where's Reed? :'''Victor''': Where do you think? With Sue. :''[Ben turns to Leonard.]'' :'''Victor''': I'll take it from here, Leonard. :'''Leonard''': Yes, sir. :''[As Leonard turns around and walks towards the elevator, Ben turns to Victor and walks up to him.]'' :'''Ben''': What do you want, Vic? :'''Victor''': To help you. The machine&ndash; is ready. :'''Ben''': ''[Walks closer]'' But Reed said it wouldn't be&ndash; :'''Victor''': He also said we'd avoid that storm in space. But we all know how that turned out. He couldn't generate enough power for the machine to reach critical mass. Yet another mistake for Mr. Fantastic. :'''Ben''': ''[Walks closer]'' And you can? :'''Victor''': Yes. Tell me, do you want to be Ben Grimm again? ---- :'''Doom''': Did you say goodbye to your brother Johnny? [tosses Sue to the floor next to Reed] It's time to end this! :'''Ben''': [Grimm, transformed back into the Thing, crashes through the roof] No, Vic, IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME! ---- :'''Susan''': We gotta get out of here. :'''Johnny''': I got an idea. :'''Susan''': Don't even think about it. :'''Johnny''': Never do. ''[jumps off the building]'' FLAME ON! ---- :'''Victor''': Susan, let's not fight. :'''Sue''': No. ''Let's''. :''[Sue hits Victor with a force field, destroying a window behind him.]'' :'''Victor''': Susan. You're fired! :''[Victor blasts Sue through the air with electricity.]'' == About ''Fantastic Four (2005 film)'' == * The Fantastic Four are, in short, underwhelming. The edges kind of blur between them and other superhero teams. That's understandable. How many people could pass a test right now on who the X-Men are and what '''their''' powers are? Or would want to? I wasn't watching "Fantastic Four" to study it, but to be entertained by it, but how could I be amazed by a movie that makes its own characters so indifferent about themselves? <br> The Human Torch, to repeat, '''can burn at supernova temperatures!''' He can become so hot, indeed, that he could '''threaten the very existence of the Earth itself!''' This is absolutely stupendously amazing, wouldn't you agree? If you could burn at supernova temperatures, would you be able to stop talking about it? I know people who won't shut up about winning 50 bucks in the lottery. <br> But after Johnny Storm finds out he has become the Human Torch, he takes it pretty much in stride, showing off a little by setting his thumb on fire. Later he saves the Earth, while Invisible Woman simultaneously contains his supernova so he doesn't destroy it. That means Invisible Woman could maybe create a force field to contain the sun, which would be a big deal, but she's too distracted to explore the possibilities; she gets uptight because she will have to be naked to be invisible, because otherwise people could see her empty clothes; it is no consolation to her that invisible nudity is more of a metaphysical concept than a condition. <br> Are these people complete idiots? The entire nature of their existence has radically changed, and they're about as excited as if they got a makeover on "Oprah." The exception is Ben Grimm, as the Thing, who gets depressed when he looks in the mirror. Unlike the others, who look normal except when actually exhibiting superpowers, he looks like - well, he looks like his suits would fit The Hulk, just as the Human Torch looks like The Flash, and the Invisible Woman reminds me of Storm in "X-Men.". <br> Is this the road company? Thing clomps around on his Size 18 boulders and feels like an outcast until he meets a blind woman named Alicia (Kerry Washington) who loves him, in part because she can't see him. But the Thing looks like Don Rickles crossed with Mt. Rushmore; he has a body that feels like a driveway and a face with crevices you could hide a toothbrush in. Alicia tenderly feels his face with her fingers, like blind people often do while falling in love in the movies, and I guess she likes what she feels. Maybe she's extrapolating. ** [[Roger Ebert]] ]https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/fantastic-four-2005 "Fantastic Four"], ''Rogerebert.com'', (July 7, 2005). *'''Q''': Tim, could you elaborate on the dysfunctional family aspect of the group? :'''TIM STORY''': Dysfunctional family, yeah, that's me. (Laughs) I'm a fan of arguments and things not going right all the time, because to me it makes the real; I often say, they run out of milk just like all of us, and that's the fun part. I think when it comes to the superheroes, this kind of fit me best because they're regular people. An extraordinary thing happened to them and then they have to deal with it. And, to me, it's just fun bringing that to life; I guess it is a dysfunctional family because I guess we all can relate to not liking our family, but loving them all the time and that's what this movie kind of accomplishes. :'''Q''': These characters also don't have secret identities, which is different for superheroes. :'''TIM STORY''': Yeah, I think that's the other thing that drew me to it is that you don't have to worry about them hiding from society. This is an origin film, so we're dealing with a little bit of what's happening to them; What we hope to do in the future is to kinda play up on the fact that they walk to the grocery store and they walk and go get a slice of pizza when they're hungry and people just have to deal with, 'Oh yeah, that's the Fantastic Four, like anybody else.' :'''Q''': Ralph, I bet there isn't a day that goes by that you don't wish you had more money and more time? Are there unique challenges to this different than the others you produced? :'''RALPH WINTER''': The challenge that's always present in these films is in the script of getting all five character's heroes to have an interwoven journey so that everybody's got something meaningful and helpful towards the final act&#Array; It's always a challenge financially. Trying to get as much on the screen as possible and make it look as big and as exciting as possible. The Brooklyn Bridge is a huge challenge. We feel very good about that now and now we just have a small fight in New York City in the third act to do here in Vancouver&#Array; Throwing buses and cars and blowing things up, so... Yeah, jumping from building to building. Easy stuff. :'''Q''': Jessica, your character has this maternal instinct. Does that come naturally to you or are you learning? :'''CHIKLIS''': Yes. Yes, you are maternal. I just thought, I'm sorry to jump in like this... I didn't know Jessica before this and she's like a little mommy. I've always told her, you should have children immediately because she's gonna be a beautiful mother. She has this matriarchal way. I'm sorry, now you can go ahead... :'''JESSICA ALBA''': Thank you, thank you. Actually, that is a big part of my personality. I don't get to do [that] a lot, especially as an actress, because I get typecast as the kick-ass bitch or, like, the doting whatever girl and I never get the maternal, loving, supportive intelligent [parts]... And Tim, when I sat down with him, I was like, 'I don't know, I probably won't get this movie, I love this movie, but if I was in this movie, this is Sue Storm to me I thought he was going to be opposed to everything I said, and he wasn't. :* Julian McMahon, [http://www.ign.com/articles/2004/10/19/on-set-interview-the-cast-and-crew-of-fantastic-four?page=3 "On-Set Interview: The Cast and Crew of Fantastic Four"], ''IGN'', (19 Oct 2004), p.3. *'''Q''': For the whole cast, how much fun is it to be a superhero, at the end of the day? :'''CHIKLIS''': I get to play a rock hard he-man. That's crazy. Who gets to do that? And I was a fan growing up on the ''[[Fantastic Four (comic book)|Fantastic Four]]''. I loved this comic book, so I've been blessed to play a number of cultural icons before, and I know that there's a certain responsibility that goes along with that, but you can't get preoccupied with that as an actor. You really have to just bring your own joy to the opportunity to play this character and to just jump in. :'''Q''': How do your character's powers represent who they are? :'''GRUFFUDD''': Well, I think [Julian's] character says in the beginning of the story that Reed is always reaching for the stars. He's always reaching for perfection. His flaw is that he isn't perfect. He's only human and his mistake in his calculations creates these characters. They're exposed to this radioactive energy, this cloud. So I suppose that's sort of his analogy, that he's striving for perfection and then he's always reaching when he becomes the superhero. *'''ALBA''': Oh my God. My character, yeah, I mean, she's very intelligent and she's very maternal and she's outwardly emotional because she's a woman. And the guys kind of run the show and they don't see her. She might as well just be invisible because she still lives in a man's world and she has to work double hard to get ahead, and they still overshadow her. :'''EVANS''': I think Johnny's a bit of a hot head. I think he's kind of a playboy. He likes to live life in the fast lane and he likes attention, so what's more of a spectacle than bursting into fire and flying? :'''CHIKLIS''': Ben Grimm, the Thing, he's a tough guy, tough exterior, heart of gold. In a nutshell, that's it. He's been Reed's best buddy and protector. I'm the brawn, he's the brains, so he's in trouble. No, he's a protector, a strong guy who doesn't want to be a hero, doesn't fancy himself a hero. He just wants to do his gig and get on with his life. But I think the thing that makes him truly heroic is choices. As you'll see in the film, he has to make a pretty selfless choice to be heroic and I think they all do. That's key in this little yarn. :'''MCMAHON''': And, you know, the wonderful thing about this whole thing is that you actually get to see the evolution of the characters. They start off as human beings. They don't start off as superheroes or characters with extraordinary strengths or talents or anything like that; But I watched the original TV show, was it '56? The cartoon, sorry. '65? So I saw the whole original comics and all that kind of stuff and it's wonderful because I'd seen the comics and I started watching the comics probably in the '70s and watched it through the '80s; And firstly, you're watching it through a child's eyes, so you're not really involved in the depth of the characters and all this kind of stuff&#Array; But in watching the original cartoons of this thing, it's amazing how much of the original comics and cartoons is put into our characters. And it can be very subtle little things. It really starts off with relationships between the four people. And that is that these two are basically nemeses from day one, they went to college together. Ben was the guy that stood by him. Sue and Mr. Fantastic, Reed Richards and Victor had this battle for Sue, who's the most gorgeous woman on the planet; So it's not until they go up into space and they get enveloped by this cosmic storm and they all develop their individual powers that they really start to brazen and to take on their original and probably deeper characteristics. You're not seeing the ultimate part of that humanity until they get infected with this thing, so it's really quite a unique and extraordinary journey. And it's what brings these guys, the four of them, together and it's what separates me from the four of them. :* [http://www.ign.com/articles/2004/10/19/on-set-interview-the-cast-and-crew-of-fantastic-four?page=4 Ibid, p.4]. == Cast == * [[w:Ioan Gruffudd|Ioan Gruffudd]] &ndash; Reed Richards * [[Jessica Alba]] &ndash; Sue Storm * [[w:Chris Evans (actor)|Chris Evans]] &ndash; Johnny Storm * [[w:Michael Chiklis|Michael Chiklis]] &ndash; Ben Grimm * [[w:Julian McMahon|Julian McMahon]] &ndash; Victor Von Doom * [[Stan Lee]] &ndash; Willie Lumpkin * [[w:Kerry Washington|Kerry Washington]] &ndash; Alicia Masters ==External links== {{wikipedia|Fantastic Four (2005 film)}} * {{IMDb title|0120667|Fantastic Four}} [[Category:2005 films]] [[Category:Comic book films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:2005 American films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Fantastic Four films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Films directed by Tim Story]] [[Category:Screenplays by Mark Frost]] [[Category:Screenplays by Michael France]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:Films about marriage]] cxdp6s25ks69uf6rn264srle6m3gbrr 0 196870 3944610 3503380 2026-05-23T21:50:57Z GrimRob 1187925 thumbnail added 3944610 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Agia%20Triada%20Greek%20Orthodox%20Churchi%20%C4%B0stanbul-3.jpg|thumb]] The '''[[w:Eastern Orthodox Church|Eastern Orthodox Church]]''', is the second-largest [[Christianity|Christian]] Christian Church and one of the oldest extant religious institutions in the world. The Eastern Orthodox Church teaches that it is the [[w:Four Marks of the Church|One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church]] established by [[w:Jesus in Christianity|Jesus Christ]] in his [[w:Great Commission|Great Commission]] to the apostles. It practices what it understands to be the [[w:One true church|original Christian faith]] and maintains the [[w:sacred tradition|sacred tradition]] passed down from the [[apostles]], with the [[w:Patriarch of Constantinople|Patriarch of Constantinople]], the [[w:apostlic succession|apostlic successor]] of [[w:Andrew the Apostle|Andrew the Apostle]]. == Quotes== * The [[Catholic Church|Western Church]], from the tenth century downwards, has privily brought into herself through the [[w:Papacy|papacy]] various and strange and [[Heresy|heretical]] doctrines and innovations, and so she has been torn away and removed far from the true and orthodox Church of Christ. How necessary, then, it is for you to come back and return to the ancient and unadulterated doctrines of the Church in order to attain the [[salvation]] in [[Christ]] after which you press. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Anthimos (Synodal reply to the Encyclical of Pope Leo XIII, 1895). * The Orthodox Church does not have a centralized authority or leadership, instead comprising a constellation of independent and equal national churches, among which the Ecumenical Patriarch is historically and traditionally honored as 'first among equals.' In this regard, the ecumenical Patriarchate bears a primacy of honor and service; its authority lies not in administration but in coordination. Therefore, it serves as the primary focal point of unity, fostering consensus among the various Orthodox churches. In addition to the responsibility of facilitating Orthodox unity, the Ecumenical Patriarch has immediate jurisdiction over the Greek, Ukrainian, Carpatho-Russian, and Albanian Orthodox churches in the [[United States]] and [[Canada]] as well as all Greek Orthodox churches in [[Europe]], [[w:South_America|South America]], [[w:Australasia|Australasia]], and the areas of [[Greece]] freed from [[Ottoman Empire|Turkish occupation]] after the [[w:Balkan_wars|Balkan wars]], including [[w:Crete|Crete]] and [[Macedonia (Greece)|Macedonia]]. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew, Archbiship of Constantiople, Encountering the Mystery: Understanding Orthodox Christianity Today, The Doubleday Religious Publishing Group: New York, 2008, p. 34. *From the [[Russian Revolution|outset in 1917]], the [[Communism|Communists]] believed in a [[Utopia|utopian]] ideology, extreme, organised [[violence]], [[atheism]], a redefined place of the individual that served to reject [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]] precepts, and the rejection of preceding [[Russian history]]. During the [[Russian Civil War|Civil War]] and the 1920s, the Orthodox Church was crushed, with the slaughter of tens of thousands of [[Priest|priests]] and [[monks]], and the desecration and destruction of [[Church|churches]], [[monasteries]] and the tombs of [[saints]]. The real and spiritual landscapes of [[Russia]] and the psychological life of the people were transformed as a consequence. Communism in its own way therefore constituted a major civilisational challenge to the notion in [[Europe]] and [[North America]] of a ‘Western Civilisation’, whether or not articulated explicitly in this fashion. This civilisation owed much to [[Christianity]] and placed considerable weight on [[liberalism]] and [[Tolerance|toleration]]. From this perspective, Communism, drawing both on a reconceptualisation of Russian [[authoritarianism]] and on a new, [[Totalitarianism|totalitarian]] ideology and practice, posed a counter-civilisational challenge with its own precepts, aims, methods and anticipated outcomes. The chiliastic significance of Communist aspirations deserve emphasis. This significance was also to be seen in subsequent [[Communist revolutions]]. Moreover, aside from its hostility to the peace settlements following both [[World War I|World War One]] and the Russian Civil War, the very assumptions and core policies of the [[Soviet Union]] posed a major and continuing challenge to the [[International relations|international system]]. This was more serious, because the successor states established in [[East/Central Europe|Eastern Europe]] after [[World War I|World War One]] were relatively weak as well as divided by territorial aspirations. This created a volatile situation that was open to exploitation by [[War of aggression|aggressive]] states. **[[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''The Cold War: A Military History'' (2015) * On the eve of the [[Russian Revolution|Bolshevik coup d'état]], the Orthodox Church claimed a hundred million adherents, two hundred thousand [[Priest|priests]] and [[Monasticism|monks]], seventy-five thousand churches and chapels, over eleven hundred monasteries, thirty-seven thousand primary schools, fifty-seven seminaries and four university-level academies, not to speak of thousands of hospitals, old people’s homes and orphanages. Within a few years, the intuitional structures were swept away, the churches were desolated, vandalized or put to secular use. Many of the clergy were imprisoned or shot; appropriately enough the first [[concentration camp]] of the gulag was opened in a monastery in [[Siberia|Artic regions]]. ** [[Michael Burleigh]], ''Sacred Causes: The Clash of Religion and Politics, From the Great War to the War on Terror'' (2006), p. 40 * [[Russians]] should realize that they are Orthodox in the first place; Russians in the second place; and only in the third place, [[Human|people]]. ** [[Aleksandr Dugin]], ''[[wikipedia:Foundations of Geopolitics|The Foundations of Geopolitics: The Geopolitical Future of Russia]]'' (1997), Russia: Arktogeja, p. 255, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160607175004/https://www2.gwu.edu/~ieresgwu/assets/docs/demokratizatsiya%20archive/GWASHU_DEMO_12_1/John%20Dunlop%20Aleksandr%20Dugin's%20Foundations%20of%20Geopolitics.pdf "Aleksandr Dugin's Foundations of Geopolitics"] (31 January 2004), by John B. Dunlop, ''Demokratizatsiya'', Chapter: The Gorbachev Debacle * [[Ottoman Greece|The present Condition of this Nation]] is so miserable, and so apt to produce all the most tender Motions of Compassion in those who seriously reflect upon it, that 'twou'd be needless to heighten the Gloominess of the Prospect by comparing it with their former [[Glory]], which after a long and fatal Eclipse, was restor'd to its ancient Splendor by ''[[Constantine the Great]]'', whose [[Memory]] will last till the final Period of the World. But the [[Byzantine Empire|Empire of the ''East'']], which he founded, and united to [[Roman Empire|that of the ''West'']], was divided again after his [[Death]], and continu'd in a declining Condition till the final Overthrow of the ''Palaeologi'' by the ''[[Turks]]'', in the Fifteenth Age; since which time the ''[[Greeks]]'' have still been [[Slavery|Slaves]] in a Country of which they were formerly [[Sovereign state|Sovereigns]]; and to redeem themselves from the Yoak under which they are born, they are forc'd to pay a yearly Tribute, call'd the ''Carache'', which is only impos'd upon them, and their Fellow-Slaves the ''[[Jews]]''. The ''Carache'' is a perpetual Poll-Tax, and exceeds not four ''Piasters'' a Man; and yet since 'tis a Mark of their Bondage, they have left no Means unessay'd to deliver themselves from it, and have even offer'd to raise more considerable Summs another way. Besides, there are oftentimes large ''Avanies'' impos'd upon 'em, which they levy among themselves, according to the proportion of their Estates. All their Patriarchs, Bishops, and Abbots are also oblig'd to pay for their Patents; and the Prices that are exacted of 'em cannot but amount to a very considerable Summ, since there are above five Thousand Arch-Bishops and Bishops in the [[Ottoman Empire|''Turkish'' Empire]], who, reckoning one with another, pay above two Thousand ''Piasters'' a-piece, as a Fine to the ''Grand Signior''. The ''[[Greeks]]'' are naturally Proud, and lovers of Pomp and Magnificence: Most of 'em spend higher than their Estates will bear, and are very fond of the Title of ''Chelety'' or ''Lord''. Yet even the richest of 'em, of which there is a considerable Number, are look'd upon as Objects of Scorn and Contempt by the ''[[Turks]]''. 'Tis true, they are not insensible of their Slavery, and perhaps wou'd willingly shake off the insupportable Yoak of their Domineering Masters; but the Natural Impatience of their Temper is more than sufficiently curb'd by their Weakness, and want of [[Power]]; and they must e'en content themselves with repining in secret at the resistless Tyranny of their Oppressors: For they are seldom or never able to obtain Satisfaction for the Injuries they receive from the ''Turks'', if the Offenders are not wholly destitute both of Friends and Money. ** [[wikipedia:Jean Dumont (publicist)|Jean Dumont]], [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/a36827.0001.001/1:7.11?view=toc ''A New Voyage to the Levant''] (English translation, 1696), Letter XXII * The East is unfamiliar with those confessions, memoirs, and autobiographies so beloved in the West. There is a clear difference in tonality. One's gaze never lingers on the suffering humanity of [[Christ]], but penetrates behind the kenotic veil. To the West's mysticism of the [[Cross]] and its veneration of the [[w:Sacred_Heart|Sacred Heart]] corresponds the eastern mysticism of the sealed tomb, from which eternal life eternal wells up. ** Paul Evdokimov, ''Orthodoxy'', 1968. * The Orthodox Church then, is guardian of [[Holy Scripture]], but she is also the protector of the Tradition in which [[the Bible]]’s teachings are maintained and promulgated. She is the repository of all Scriptural truth. In short, Orthodoxy sees the Christian Faith as composed of Holy Scripture, the teachings of the Fathers, the liturgy of the Church throughout the centuries, the Creeds of the Church, and the Holy Mysteries. Orthodox Christians believe that Almighty God has revealed Himself in these many wondrous ways, and has enriched the life of His people in doing so! ** Fr. George Grube, ''The Orthodox Church A to Z'', [http://www.light-n-life.com Light and Life Publishing], (2012-08-19). * [[Marriage|Marriages]] are not permitted on the eves of [[Wednesday|Wednesdays]] and [[Friday|Fridays]]. During the Great Fast from Dairy Sunday up to the first Tuesday after Pascha. During the Falling Asleep of the Theotokos Fast, which consists of a two week period from August 1-15. During the [[Apostles|Holy Apostles]]’ Fast: Monday after All Saints to June 28. During the [[w:Advent|Nativity Advent]], the period before [[w:Nativity|Christ’s Birth]]. On Saturday, on the eves of the Twelve Great Feasts, on the day before the Feast of the Beheading of [[John the Baptist]], (August 29th), and the day before the Exaltation of the Cross (Sept. 14th). ** Fr. George Grube, ''The Orthodox Church A to Z'', [http://www.light-n-life.com Light and Life Publishing], (2012-08-19). * A [[Christianity]] split into a diversity of ecclesiastical streams, the dualism implicit within its political agenda – nation-forming on the one side, universalism on the other was further accentuated. The classical eastern orthodox form stressing the power of the emperor was in principle [[Universalism|universalist]] enough in its vision of [[Constantinople]] as the New Rome, but in practice Byzantium became a rather thoroughly Greek empire, then among non-Greeks in [[Egypt]], [[Syria]] or the west. This combined with its considerable degree of [[wikipedia:Caesaropapism|Caesaropapism]] led to the generation of a type of [[Separation of church and state|church-state relationship]] characteristic of eastern autocephalous churches of a highly [[Nationalism|nationalist]] type. ** {{cite book|author=[[Adrian Hastings]]|title=The construction of nationhood: ethnicity, religion, and nationalism|publisher=Cambridge University Press|location=Cambridge, UK|year=1997|pages=202|isbn=0-521-62544-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * As sons and daughters of the Russian Orthodox Church, we are all citizens of Holy Russia. When we speak of Holy Russia, we are not talking about the Russian Federation or any [[civil society]] on earth; rather, it is a way of life that has been passed down to us through the centuries by such great saints of the Russian Land as the Holy [[w:Great_Prince_Vladimir|Great Prince Vladimir]] and [[w:Great_Princess_Olga|Great Princess Olga]], Venerable [[w:Sergius_of_Radonezh|Sergius of Radonezh]], [[w:Job_of_Pochaev|Job of Pochaev]], [[Seraphim of Sarov]], and more recently, the countless New [[Martyrdom|Martyrs]] and Confessors of the [[20th century]]. These saints are our ancestors, and we must look to them for instruction on how to bravely confess the Faith, even when facing [[persecution]]. There is no achievement in simply calling oneself "Russian:" in order to be a genuine Russian, one must first become Orthodox and live a life in the Church, as did our forebears, the founders of Holy Russia! ** [[wikipedia:Hilarion (Kapral)|Metropolitan Hilarion]] of the [[wikipedia:ROCOR|Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia]], ''[http://www.synod.com/synod/eng2013/20130619_enmhappeal1025.html Appeal by Metropolitan Hilarion on the celebration of the 1,025th anniversary of the Baptism of Rus]'' (19 June 2013) * My quarrel with [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] goes back to the [[Yugoslav Wars|Balkan wars]] of the 1990s, where he more or less openly represented the "[[wikipedia:Socialist_Party_of_Serbia|Serbian Socialist Party]]" (actually the [[National Socialist|national-socialist]] and [[w:Expansionism|expansionist]] [[dictatorship]] of [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]) as the victim. Many of us are proud of having helped organize to prevent the slaughter and deportation of [[Bosniaks|Europe's oldest and largest and most tolerant Muslim minority]], in [[Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bosnia-Herzegovina]] and in [[Kosovo]]. But at that time, when they were real, Chomsky wasn't apparently interested in [[Muslim]] grievances. He only became a voice for that when the [[Taliban]] and [[Al-Qaeda|Al Qaeda]] needed to be represented in their turn as the victims of a "silent genocide" in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. Let me put it like this, if a supposed scholar takes the [[Christianity|Christian]]-Orthodox side when it is the [[War of aggression|aggressor]], and then switches to taking the "Muslim" side when Muslims commit [[mass murder]], I think that there is something very nasty going on. And yes, I don't think it is exaggerated to describe that nastiness as "[[Anti-Americanism|anti-American]]" when the power that stops and punishes both aggressions is the [[United States]] … In some awful way, his regard for the underdog has mutated into support for mad dogs. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], [http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/Read.aspx?GUID=C78DC231-4599-4745-9CA5-A398398916A0 "Love, Poverty and War"], ''FrontPageMagazine.com'' ([[2004-12-29]]): On [[Noam Chomsky]] * The 2014 “[[constitution]]” of the “[Donetsk People’s Republic]” – we refer here to [https://www.worldstatesmen.org/Donetsk-cons14.docx the original 2014 version]; it has been amended in [https://russian.rt.com/article/32204 subsequent published versions], probably also for [[propaganda]] purposes – [is the first [[Constitutions|constitution]]] in the world that makes fighting “[[Cult|cults]]” a constitutional principle. Article 21 of the 2014 “constitution” called for “the implementation of policies to protect the public from the activities of religious cults” (I explained at length in Bitter Winter why “секта” in Russian and similar words in other languages should be translated as “cult” and not as “sect.”) …What is happening in the pseudo-“Donetsk People’s Republic” and “Luhansk People’s Republic” is a perfect representation of the dystopic Orthodox theocracy Putin’s ideologists have in mind for a “Russian World” whose borders they continuously expand. ** [[Massimo Introvigne]], [https://bitterwinter.org/donetsk-and-luhansk-denying-religious-liberty/ "Donetsk and Luhansk: Pseudo-States Denying Religious Liberty"], ''Bitter Winter'' (February 23, 2022) * [[Yugoslavia]] resembled [[wikipedia:Czechoslovakia|Czechoslovakia]] in that it was a miniature [[empire]] run by [[Serbs]], and with considerably more brutality than the [[wikipedia:Czechs|Czechs]] ran theirs. In parts of it there had been continuous fighting since 1912, and the frontiers were not settled (if that is the word) until 1926. The Orthodox Serbs ran the [[Military|army]] and the [[Public administration|administration]], but the [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] [[wikipedia:Croatia|Croats]] and [[wikipedia:Slovenia|Slovenes]], who had much higher [[Culture|cultural]] and [[Economics|economic]] standards, talked of their duty to '[[Europe|Europeanize]] the [[Balkans]]' (i.e. the Serbs) and their fears that they themselves would be 'Balkanized.' [[wikipedia:R.W. Seton-Watson|R.W. Seton-Watson]], who had been instrumental in creating the new country, was soon disillusioned by the way the Serbs ran it: 'The situation in Jugoslavia,' he wrote in 1921, 'reduces me to despair.... I have no confidence in the new [[Constitutions|constitution]], with its absurd [[Centralisation|centralism]].' The Serb officials were worse than the Habsburgs, he complained, and Serb opposition more savage than [[Germans|German]]. 'My own inclination,' he wrote in 1928, '... is to leave the Serbs and Croats to stew in their own juice! I think they are both mad and cannot see beyond the ends of their noses.' Indeed, MPs had just been blazing away at each other with pistols in [[Parliamentary system|parliament]], the [[wikipedia:Croat Peasant Party|Croat Peasant Party]] leader, [[wikipedia:Stepan Radic|Stepan Radic]], being killed in the process. The country was held together, if at all, not so much by the Serb political police as by the smouldering hatred of its [[Italy|Italian]], [[Hungary|Hungarian]], [[Bulgaria|Bulgarian]], and [[Albania|Albanian]] neighbors, all of whom had grievances to settle. ** [[Paul Johnson]], ''Modern Times: The World from the Twenties to the Nineties'' (1991), ISBN 9780060168339 * Along with Moisiodax, Rigas Velestinlis (he too a Vlach), Nikolaos Zervoulis, Dimitrios Darvaris, Nikolaos Piccolos, and Arhanacios Vogoridis had all assimilated into [[Hellenism]] at the time. During much of the eighteenth and first half of the [[19th century|nineteenth centuries]], [[Hellenism]] served in the [[Balkans]] as an ecumenical cultural ideal, very much like the role it played in the eastern Mediterranean of the [[w:Hellenistic_period|Hellenistic period]] and of [[w:late_antiquity|late antiquity]]. Although not supported by [[military]] might as was the case in [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]]’s time, it attained enormous prestige. Indeed, Greek culture along with Orthodoxy and the [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman administration]] served as the three unifying forces in the [[Balkans]]. Hellenism expanded throughout the region because Greeks had dominated the four areas— [[religion]], [[economy]], [[Public administration|administration]], and [[intellectual]] life—that constituted the shared substratum of Balkan life (Tsourkas 1967: 212). Ethnic [[Greeks]] occupied positions of enormous prestige and influence in the Ottoman administration and served for decades as governors of [[Romania|Walachia and Moldavia]]. [[Greek language|Greek]] had become the language of commerce and Hellenism the secular culture of the Balkans (Camariano-Cioran 1974: 15, 311). The economic and political power of the Greeks enabled them to have more contacts with Westerners than their neighbours, which explains in part their earlier attempts at modernization. ** {{cite book|author=Gregory Jusdanis|title=The Necessary Nation|publisher=Princeton University Press|location=Princeton, N.J|year=2001|pages=122|isbn=0-691-08902-7|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * This 'heroic' aspect of the [[World War II|Partisan struggle]], deeply inspiring to scholars-turned-soldiers like [[wikipedia:Sir William Deakin|Deakin]], reads well on the page. But in practice of waging a politico-military campaign over the length and breadth of Yugoslavia brought untold suffering to its peoples. Their history was already one of bitter and violent rivalry, which the war had reawoken. In the north [[wikipedia:Independent State of Croatia|leaders of the Catholic Croats]] had taken advantage of [[Italy|Italian]] sponsorship to unleash a [[wikipedia:Genocide of Serbs in the Independent State of Croatia|campaign of expulsion, forced conversion, and extermination against the Orthodox Serbs]]. [[Bosniaks|Muslims]] in [[Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bosnia-Herzegovina]] took a hand in the civil war also, while in the south the [[Serbs]] of [[Kosovo]] were attacked by their Albanian neighbors. The [[wikipedia:Chetniks|Chetniks]], for their part, contested authority in the [[Serbia|Serb lands]] with the Partisans, with whom they had failed to agree a join strategy, but did not open war with the [[Nazi Germany|German occupiers]] lest that provoke reprisals. [[Josip Broz Tito|Tito]] hardened his heart against reprisals; indeed, he saw [[wikipedia:Axis powers|Axis]] atrocities as a spur to recruitment. He deliberately drew the [[Germans]] after him in seven so-called 'offensives' that left the [[countryside]] through which his Partisans marched a wasteland. The villagers had either to follow the Partisans 'into the woods' (a traditional description of the whereabouts of [[Resistance movement|resisters]] to the [[Turks]]) or stay and await reprisals. Kardelji, Tito's deputy, was emphatic about the desirability of confronting the uncommitted with such a dilemma: 'Some commanders are afraid of reprisals and that fear prevents the mobilisation of villages. I consider the reprisals will have the useful result of throwing Croatian villages on the side of Serb villages. In war we must not be frightened of the destruction of whole villages. Terror will bring about armed action.' Kardelji's analysis was correct. ** [[wikipedia:John Keegan|John Keegan]], ''A History of Warfare'' (1994), p. 52 *A further weakness was that despite certain borrowings from the West, Russia remained technologically backward and economically [[Underdeveloped countries|underdeveloped]]. Extremes of climate and the enormous distances and poor communications partly accounted for this, but so also did severe social defects: the military [[absolutism]] of the czars, the monopoly of [[education]] in the hands of the Orthodox Church, the venality and unpredictability of the [[bureaucracy]], and the institution of [[serfdom]], which made [[agriculture]] [[Feudalism|feudal]] and static. Yet despite this relative backwardness, and despite the setbacks, Russia continued to expand, imposing upon its new territories the same [[military]] force and [[Autocrats|autocratic]] rule which was used to command the obedience of the [[Moscow|Muscovites]]. Enough had been borrowed from Europe to give the regime the armed strength to preserve itself, while all possibility of western social and political “modernization” was firmly resisted; foreigners in Russia, for example, were segregated from the natives in order to prevent subversive influences. Unlike the other despotisms mentioned in this chapter, the empire of the czars would manage to survive and Russia would one day grow to be a world power. Yet in 1500, and even as late as 1650, this was scarcely obvious to many [[Frenchmen]], [[Dutchmen]], and [[Englishmen]], who probably knew as much about the [[Russians|Russian]] ruler as they did about the legendary [[Prester John]]. **[[w:Paul_Kennedy|Paul Kennedy]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Great Powers: Economic Change and Military Conflict from 1500-1900'' (1987) * The existence of [[Russia]] is of a great spiritual and cultural value – not only for you and me, but for all humanity. And we are calling for the preservation of the people of Russia, for the birth of our new compatriots, not only and not so much because these people are needed by the country, but also to a great extent because this country is needed by people. Russia must exist and play its irreplaceable role in our destiny with you, in the destiny of our descendants and throughout world history. The special value of Russia, its special vocation is to be a stronghold of Orthodox Christianity. To preserve the Orthodox faith, Orthodox tradition and culture, [[wikipedia:Christian_ethics|Christian moral principles]] intact. Maybe that is why the powers that be are so ganged up on the [[wikipedia:Russian_Orthodox_Church|Russian Orthodox Church]], wanting to tear away the Greek Orthodox world from the Russian Church, wanting to destroy the unity of the Orthodox Church. We possess reliable information that everything that is happening now in world Orthodoxy is not an accident, not just the whim of a religious figure whose mind has become clouded. This is the implementation of a very specific plan that aims to tear the Greek world away from Russia. According to the perpetrators — I cannot describe these strategists in any other way — the Russian Church appears to be some kind of “soft power”, through which Russia influences the world around it. But '''why can’t Russia share its spiritual gifts?''' Is it criminal? This can be criminal only in the view of those who seek to weaken, and if possible to destroy the influence of Russia. In this whole story related to the problem of recognition or non-recognition of [[Ukrainian]] schismatics by the Local Orthodox Churches, there is something that is not declared, but which is the main goal of the forces behind the scenes that unleashed this schismatic activity. We in the Russian Church understand this clearly, but today our brothers in [[Greece]] and other Orthodox Churches also understand this. We are being asked to resist, not to flinch, to continue the struggle to maintain the spiritual independence of the Russian Orthodox Church from all these centres of world influence, and most importantly – to maintain the unity of Universal Orthodoxy. This is not a simple task. The Church has no army. The Church has no material means. So it is not easy without material means to build the spiritual defense. ** [[Patriarch Kirill of Moscow]], Primate of the Russian Orthodox Church. [https://orthochristian.com/125041.html 18th Sunday after Pentecost, 20 October 2019]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVTvJXroA0g Video] * So there is no single European people. There is no single all-embracing community of culture and tradition among, say, [[Warsaw]], [[Amsterdam]], [[Berlin]] and [[Belgrade]]. In fact, there are at least four communities: the Northern [[Protestantism|Protestant]], the [[Latin]] [[Catholic Church|Catholic]], the [[Greeks|Greek]] Orthodox, and the [[Muslim]] [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman]]. There is no single [[language]] - there are more than twenty. (...) There are no real European [[political parties]] (...). And most significantly of all: unlike the [[United States]], Europe still does not have a common story. ** [[Geert Mak]], [http://www.eurocult.org/uploads/docs/712.pdf Europe as a cultural project], 2005 *To the [[Russians|Russian]], indeed to any member of the Orthodox church, the priest is not the teacher and guide in matters of [[religion]], but is above all the miracle-worker, the [[magician]]. The Russian looks upon his priest as a live "good conductor" of divine [[grace]], as a passive mediator. The Russian is a consistent passivist. [[Salvation]] comes to man without his personal collaboration, and even the [[priest]] plays no individual part here. This is why in [[Russia]] (as in the east) the [[Monasticism|monk]] is held in much higher esteem than the ordinary priest. ** {{citation |title=The Spirit of Russia |volume = II |year=1919 |first=Thomas |last=Garrigue Masaryk |author-link=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk | translator-last =Paul | translator-first =Eden | translator2-last =Paul | translator2-first =Cedar | pages=490 |url= }} * The sheer scale of [[United States|America]] in the 1920s was impressive, and its variety was downright astonishing. The nation’s population had nearly doubled since 1890, when it had numbered just sixty-three million souls. At least a third of the increase was due to a huge surge of immigrants. Most of them had journeyed to America from the religiously and culturally exotic regions of southern and eastern Europe. Through the great hall in the immigrant receiving center on [[New York City|New York]]’s [[wikipedia:Ellis_Island|Ellis Island]], opened in 1892, streamed in the next three decades almost four million [[Italians|Italian]] [[Catholic Church|Catholics]]; half a million Orthodox [[Greeks]]; half a million Catholic [[Hungarian|Hungarians]]; nearly a million and a half Catholic [[Poland|Poles]]; more than two million [[Judaism|Jews]], largely from [[Russia|Russian]]-controlled [[Poland]], [[Ukraine]], and [[Lithuania]]; half a million Slovaks, mostly Catholic; millions of other eastern Slavs from [[Byelorussia]], [[wikipedia:Ruthenia|Ruthenia]], and [[Russia]], mostly Orthodox; more millions of southern Slavs, a mix of Catholic, Orthodox, [[Muslim]], and Jew, from [[Romania|Rumania]], [[Croatia]], [[Serbia]], [[Bulgaria]], and [[Montenegrins|Montenegro]]. The waves of arrivals after the turn of the century were so enormous that of the 123 million Americans recorded in the census of 1930, one in ten was [[Immigration to the United States|foreign born]], and an additional 20 percent had at least one parent born abroad. ** [[wikipedia:David_M._Kennedy|David M. Kennedy]], ''Freedom from Fear: The American People in Depression and War 1929-1945'' (1999), ISBN 0-19-503834-7, p. 13-14 * The [[Soviet Union]] was the first state to have as an ideological objective the elimination of religion. Toward that end, the [[Communism|Communist]] regime confiscated church property, [[Marxism and religion|ridiculed religion]], harassed believers, and propagated atheism in the schools. Actions toward particular religions, however, were determined by State interests, and most organized religions were never outlawed. <br> The main target of the anti-religious campaign in the 1920s and 1930s was the Russian Orthodox Church, which had the largest number of faithful. Nearly all of its clergy, and many of its believers, were shot or sent to [[Concentration camp|labor camps]]. Theological schools were closed, and church publications were prohibited. By 1939 only about 500 of over 50,000 churches remained open. <br> After [[Nazi Germany]]'s [[World War II|attack on the Soviet Union in 1941]], [[Joseph Stalin]] revived the Russian Orthodox Church to intensify patriotic support for the war effort. By 1957 about 22,000 Russian Orthodox churches had become active. But in 1959 [[Nikita Khrushchev]] initiated his own campaign against the Russian Orthodox Church and forced the closure of about 12,000 churches. By 1985 fewer than 7,000 churches remained active. Members of the church hierarchy were jailed or forced out, their places taken by docile clergy, many of whom had ties with the [[KGB]]. ** Library of Congress, [https://www.loc.gov/exhibits/archives/anti.html “Revelations from the Russian Archives”], “ANTI-RELIGIOUS CAMPAIGNS”, (August 31, 2016). * Yugoslavia was itself the flawed creation of the ruin of empires in 1918, dominated until the Second World War by the [[Serbs|Serbian]] monarchy yet comprising [[Muslim]] [[Bosniaks|Bosnians]] and Kosovan Albanians, Orthodox Montenegrins and Serbs, and [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] Croats. Out of the brutal ethnic slaughters of the two world wars, the long-serving [[Dictatorship|dictator]] Marshal Josip Tito, whose Partisans had liberated Yugoslavia from Nazi occupation, had created a strong regime, using his own charismatic personality and, less well-known, [[Terrorism|terror]], [[secret police]] and [[Concentration camp|concentration camps]]. Yet Tito controlled the deadly ethnic feuds of the [[Balkans]] and gave his peoples almost 30 years of [[peace]] and order. But the revolving presidency implemented after his death in 1980 left a stewing ethnic cauldron lacking a strong hand to control it. [[Slobodan Milošević|Milošević]] filled this vacuum with his death squads, condottiere and psychopathic warlords, coordinated and financed at his personal command. ** [[wikipedia:Simon_Sebag_Montefiore|Simon Sebag Montefiore]], ''Monsters: HIstory's Most Evil Men and Women'' (2009), p. 361 * You know, as I already mentioned, in 988 [[wikipedia:Vladimir_the_Great|Prince Vladimir]] himself was baptized following the example of his grandmother, [[wikipedia:Olga_of_Kiev|Princess Olga]], and then he baptized his retinue, and then gradually, over the course of several years, he baptized all Rus. It was a lengthy process – from [[Paganism|pagans]] to Christians, it took many years. But in the end, this Orthodoxy, Eastern Christianity, deeply rooted itself in the consciousness of the Russian people. When Russia expanded and absorbed other nations who profess [[Islam]], [[Buddhism]] and [[Judaism]], Russia has always been very loyal to those people who profess other religions. This is its strength. This is absolutely clear. And the fact is that the main postulates, main values are very similar, not to say the same, in all world religions I’ve just mentioned and which are the traditional religions of the Russian Federation, Russia. By the way, [[Government of Russia|Russian authorities]] were always very careful about the [[culture]] and [[religion]] of those peoples who came to join the Russian Empire. This, in my opinion, forms the basis of both [[security]] and stability of the Russian statehood – all the peoples inhabiting Russia basically consider it their Motherland. ** [[Vladimir Putin]], [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/73411 Interview to Tucker Carlson], 9 February 2024 * In antiquity, the power of Greek cities was manifested by their ability to found far—off, independent [[Colony|colonies]], where the cities and colonies were connected more by [[language]], [[culture]], and [[history]] than by law or a hierarchical relationship. This is what the [[France|French]] [[Geography|geographer]] Georges Prévélakis calls a “galactic” organization, as opposed to a “dendritic” organization based on the relation between a centre and its periphery. The spread of Roman power—first by the republic, then the empire—over the entire Mediterranean did not cause Hellenism to disappear as a cultural unity. After the empire split in two in 395, Hellenism actually blossomed in the Eastern Roman (Byzantine) Empire, where it became the principal cultural component, especially in the religious domain: The Great Schism of 1054 divided [[Catholic Church|Roman Catholics]] from the Greek Orthodox. Even political power became Hellenized. The seizure of Constantinople by the Ottomans in 1453 ended the Byzantine Empire, but Hellenism survived in the Ottoman Empire. Along with the [[Judaism|Jews]] and the [[wikipedia:Armenian_Apostolic_Church|Armenian Apostolic Church]], the Orthodox Church was allowed to establish an autonomous religious community, called milliet, that was responsible for the allocation and collection of taxes and for such matters as [[marriage]], [[divorce]], and [[inheritance]]. With the development of the Mediterranean trading system in the sixteenth century, Greek communities appeared outside the empire, including [[western Europe]] ([[wikipedia:Livorno|Livorno]] and [[Venice]]) and [[Russia]]. Contact with [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]] [[philosophy]] and the [[French Revolution|ideas of 1789]] fed the aspiration for a Greek state. This was created in 1830, founded on the ambition of restoring Greater Greece by recovering the Ottoman territories of [[Asia Minor]]. That hope collapsed in 1922-23 with the end of the [[wikipedia:Greco-Turkish_War|Greco-Turkish war]] and the territorial agreement between the two countries. ** {{cite book|author=William Rodarmor; Stephane Dufoix|title=Diasporas|publisher=University of California Press|location=Berkeley|year=2008|pages=39|isbn=0-520-25359-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * First, [[Greece]]: for modern Greeks, as I intimated, the future could mirror ‘the past’ past’ in more than one way, since there was a clear split in that past. One school argued for the Byzantine roots and glory of Greece. They pointed to the massive influx of [[wikipedia:Slavs|Slavic]] immigrants in the sixth and succeeding centuries throughout the [[Balkans]] and Greece, and claimed that this had weakened the links with a decayed Hellenic (or Hellenistic— Roman) culture. What was Byzantine was essentially Orthodox Christianity only the Greek language and liturgy retained any connection with a pre-Christian past. In the Orthodox millet of the [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman empire]], [[Christianity]] had kept a Byzantine Greek ethnic alive, as in a chrysalis, ready to be transformed under the impact of Western ideas and commercialization in the late eighteenth century. For the Byzantine-Orthodox clergy and their flocks, for the notables in the Mores and Phanariots in [[Constantinople]], this grandiose dream of a restored [[Byzantine Empire|Byzantine empire]] under Greek control located the re-nascent Greek people and charted their future in the Aegean and Ionia. It also pointed the way to a restored [[agrarian]] society of [[Peasant|peasants]], [[Nobility|notables]] and [[clergy]], essentially smallholders, but led by educated Orthodox elites under the Patriarch. ** {{cite book|author=[[Anthony D. Smith]]|title=The ethnic origins of nations|publisher=B. Blackwell|location=Oxford|year=1987|pages=203|isbn=0-631-16169-4|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * Greeks, Jews, and [[Armenians]] after their subordination to others and emigration or expulsion from their original homelands became Diaspora ethno-religious communities cultivating the particular virtues and aptitudes of their traditions. These included a respect for scholarship and learning, derived from constant study of sacred texts (and in the Greek case some of their ancient secular texts seen through religious filters); and hence a generally high status accorded to religious scholars and clergy within each enclave. Allied to this was a marked aptitude for literary expression—poetic, philosophical, legal, liturgical, linguistic, and historical. Greek Phanariot merchants and traders dominated the commerce of the Ottoman empire, utilizing their kinship networks and social and religious institutions to maximize not only their business and assets, but also their cultural capital. Diaspora Greeks became especially prominent from the eighteenth century in the development of printing and the press, and experienced a major intellectual revival in cities as far afield as [[Vienna]], [[Venice]], [[wikipedia:Odessa|Odessa]], [[Paris]], and [[Amsterdam]] ** {{cite book|author=[[Anthony D. Smith]]|title=Myths and memories of the nation|publisher=Oxford University Press|location=Oxford [Oxfordshire]|year=1999|pages=212-215|isbn=0-19-829534-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} : Chapter: ''Greeks, Armenians and Jews'' * Orthodox churches were stripped of their valuables in 1922 at the instigation of [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Leon Trotsky|Trotsky]]. In subsequent years, including both the [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] and the [[Nikita Khrushchev|Khrushchev]] periods, tens of thousands of churches were torn down or desecrated, leaving behind a disfigured wasteland that bore no resemblance to [[Russia]] such as it had stood for centuries. Entire districts and cities of half a million inhabitants were left without a single [[church]]. Our people were condemned to live in this dark and mute wilderness for decades, groping their way to [[God]] and keeping to this course by trial and error. The grip of oppression that we have lived under, and continue to live under, has been so great that religion, instead of leading to a free blossoming of the spirit, has been manifested in asserting the faith on the brink of destruction, or else on the seductive frontiers of [[Marxism|Marxist]] rhetoric, where so many souls have come to grief. ** [[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn]], Templeton Address (1983) * Get ready for Russia to cast itself as the protector, not only of the [[wikipedia:Alawite|Alawites]] but also of other minorities such as [[wikipedia:Turcoman|Turcoman]], [[Armenians]] and, more interestingly for [[Moscow]], Orthodox Christians who have fled [[Islamic terrorism|Islamist terror]] groups such as [[Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIS]]. Russia has always seen itself as the “Third Rome” and the last standard-bearer of [[Christianity]] against both [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] “deviation” and [[Islamism|Islamist]] menace. By controlling a new mini-state, as a “safe haven for minorities,” Russia could insist that if [[Syria]] returns to some normality it be reconstituted as a highly [[Decentralization|decentralized]] [[state]]. This is what [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] is also demanding in [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]]. The Syrian coast will become another [[Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Crimea]], if not completely annexed, at least [[Military occupation|occupied]]. Unless stopped, the Putin treatment will not end in [[Syrian civil war|Syria]]. The two next candidates could be [[w:Moldova|Moldova]] and [[Latvia]], both of which have large Russian-speaking minorities. ** [[Amir Taheri]], [http://nypost.com/2015/09/19/putin-is-turning-the-syrian-coast-into-another-crimea/ Putin is turning the Syrian coast into another Crimea], ''New York Post'' (September 19, 2015). * When received into the Orthodox Church, a convert promises, ‘I will accept and understand Holy Scripture in accordance with the interpretation which was and is held by the Holy Orthodox Catholic Church of the East, our Mother. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29. * The doctrinal definitions of an Ecumenical Council are infallible. Thus in the eyes of the Orthodox Church, the statements of faith put out by the seven councils possess, along with the Bible, an abiding and irrevocable authority. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29, p. 205. * Orthodox Canon Law, while permitting a second or even a third marriage, absolutely forbids a fourth. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29. p. 295. *The role of religion is important both on the [[United States|American]] and [[Russia|Russian]] side [of the [[Cold War]]]. While the position of organized faith was already in decline in [[Europe]] (and in many other places, too) by the end of the [[19th century|nineteenth century]], Russians and Americans still saw religion as has having a central place in their lives. In a certain sense, there were similarities between [[Evangelicalism in the United States|American Evangelical Protestantism]] and Russian Orthodoxy. Both emphasized [[teleology]] and certainty of [[faith]] above what was common in other Christian groups. Being unconcerned with concepts of [[original sin]], both believed in the perfectibility of [[society]]. Most importantly, both Evangelicals and Orthodox believed that their religion inspired their politics in a direct sense. They alone were set to fulfill [[God]]’s plan for and with man. **Odd Arne Westad, ''The Cold War: A World History'' (2017), p. 20 === “Orthodox Christian Bioethics: Medical Morality in the Mind of the Fathers” (2013) === <small> H. Trisram Engelhardt, Jr., “Orthodox Christian Bioethics: Medical Morality in the Mind of the Fathers”; in Mark Cherry; John F. Peppin (2013). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Religious_Perspectives_on_Bioethics/21ZEAgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1 ''Religious Perspectives in Bioethics'']. Taylor & Francis. ISBN 9781317762416. </small> * [[w:Western_world|Western]] [[Secularism|secular]] [[morality]] developed out a fragmented Western Christianity. Against a background of disunity and deep differences, it aspired to a rationally grounded universality. The fragmentation and diversity of [[w:Western_Christianity|Western Christianity]] invited a secular morality that could transcend the division within Western Christianity and compass all in a single, secular morality. Orthodox Christianity never experienced this fragmentation. Nor did it assume that secular moral reflection, which it experienced as primarily polytheistic, and therefore plural, could provide a unity superior to that available that is [[Asceticism|ascetic,]] experiential, liturgical, and noetic. ** pp.5-6 * Orthodox Christianity knows the moral life to be a whole, a way of life within which one can enter into union with God. Orthodox [[theology]], [[morality]], and [[bioethics]] serve to cure the soul of self-love. As a consequence, distinctions among dogmatic [[theology]], [[w:Moral_theology|moral theology]], and liturgical theology threaten to distort and disorient the live appreciation of theology as a practice transcending the confines of the academy and possessing a closer resemblance to a healing practice, albeit a special one aimed at bringing all into relationship with the truth Whom the Orthodox recognize to be personal, namely, the [[Trinity]] (Vlachos, 1994). Morality is recognized as a kind of therapeutic regiment for purifying the person, inviting illumination by God’s grace. As a consequence, the reader therefore must be warned: Orthodox Christianity does not offer a bioethics in the same way in which [[Secularism|secular]] and [[Catholic Church|Roman Catholic]] thought offers systematic reflections based on settled moral judgments elaborated philosophically towards the goal of developing ever clearer insights into the nature of [[morality]]. It contrasts as well with the bioethics of those Western mainline Christian bodies who have attempted in a progressive spirit to develop a moral theology adapted to the cultural concerns and demands of the contemporary age. <br> Orthodox Christian morality is a mode of reorienting persons away from themselves and toward God and their fellow-man, thus giving Orthodox bioethics a homiletic rather than a scholarly character. Sine theology ‘’par excellence’’ is directed to purification of the heart and illumination by God’s grace, all theological progress is personal, and the academic endeavors of Orthodox scholars at best clarify the use of terms and develop languages suitable for communicating reflections concerning the Church’s unbroken experience of a timeless truth; the Triune God. The academic endeavors of scholars to afford commentaries on the experience and teachings of the [[Church Fathers]] over the centuries. However, such scholarly analysis and commentary are always secondary in authority and importance to theology as an experience of god. Because of the non-developmental character of Orthodox Christian experience of God’s presence, the age of the Fathers has not ended for Orthodoxy, as it did for the West around the 8th century. Strictly speaking, the age of the Fathers is coterminous with the unbroken presence in the Church of the Holy Spirit. ** pp.21-22 * Orthodox Christian [[epistemology]] is at root noetic or mystical; it acknowledges that the only way beyond a confining finite horizon of experience and texts is via a transforming relation with the transcendent God. For this reason, the theologians ''par excellence'' need not be academics or even literate. As [[Evagrios the Solitary]] (A.D. 345-399) stresses, “if you are a [[Theology|theologian]], you will pray truly. And if you pray truly, you are a theologian” (Evagrios, 1988, p.62). <br> The result is not just that Orthodox Christianity rejects the discursive rational commitments of [[w:Scholasticism|Scholasticism]] and the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]]; it also breaks through the fragmentation of the moral [[pluralism]] defining [[Postmodernism|post-modernism]]. It reaches beyond the confines of particular narratives and texts, which are set within the horizon the finite and the immanent. For example, the Scriptures are neither revelation nor a set of writings relevantly to be reassessed through historical, text-critical, and higher-critical methods. Instead, the Scriptures are records of a revelation whose significance can only be correctly experienced within the grace of the Church which is the body of Christ: their meaning is acquired on the model of Christ’s unlocking the [[The Bible|Scriptures]] on the way to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-35). Within the privileged ascetic and liturgically directed epistemological standpoint of the Church, the writings she has accepted, affirmed, and interpreted become, like an icon, a window so that one can look through the text to God. ** I Before and Beyond the Scholastic-Enlightenment Project, p.22-23 * Orthodox Christianity acknowledges its moral truth as nested within a liturgical Now, a moral experience that has existed and been sustained in its fullness since the age of the Apostles. For Orthodox Christianity, its moral theological past is in the present so that Orthodox Christians turn seemingly indiscriminately for guidance to any of the Fathers of any century. This epistemological standpoint within which the past is experienced as “now” is captured in the practice of its liturgical appropriation of the past as present. For example, the Vespers of the Sunday of the Holy Fathers of the First six Ecumenical councils declares: “Those God-mantled Father have proclaimed today in concert …” (Nassar, 1979, p.558).Despite the circumstance that these councils occurred from the 4th to the 7th centuries, liturgically they are encountered as present. <br> The Orthodox Church does not deny terminological development. The Church acknowledges that distinctions, terminologies, and analyses of theological experience take shape within a history. Yet, since Orthodox theology is not primarily an academic discipline but an immediate experience of God, these analytic, conceptual, and academic developments do not constitute theological developments ‘’per se’’. Rather, they are temporally and historically located responses to heresies and articulations of answers to particular questions and puzzles. The contributions of the Fathers from the 3rd to the 8th centuries can be understood as playing a role distantly analogous to the age of the Fathers for the West: they are a rich resource of theological reflection and Scriptural exposition that records the commitments and life of the Church of the first part of the [[w:First_millennium|first millennium]] so that one must think, believe, and act in one with their mind. However, because of the non-developmental character of Orthodox Christianity, the age of the Fathers has not ended, for the same Spirit Who inspired the Gospels inspired the holy Fathers of the 21st century. ** “The Past in the Present Tense”, p.24 * The manner in which we [the Orthodox and the West] exist has become ontologically different … the Orthodox Christian does not live in a place of theological and conceptual conversations, but rather in a place of an essential and empirical lifestyle and reality as confirmed by grace in the heart [Heb 13:9]. This grace cannot be put in doubt either by [[logic]] or [[science]] or other type of argument … However, the change of man’s essence, theosis by grace, is a fact that is tangible for all the Orthodox faithful. [[Grace]] is not only obtained through the transformed relics of the saints which is totally inexplicable without acceptance of the divine. Grace also radiates from living Saints who are truly in the likeness of the Lord [Luke 8:46] (Patriarch Bartholomew, 1997). ** Nicea II, A.D. 787; as qtd in. “The Past in the Present Tense” p.24 * At one with [[Paul of Tarsus|St. Paul]] in his first chapter of the [[Epistle to the Romans|letter of the Romans]], Orthodox Christianity recognize that moral knowledge is fully and rightly disclosed only within a life marked by right worship. “therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the degrading of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a ie and worshiped the served the creature rather than the Creator, Who is blessed forever! Amen!”(Rom 1:24-25). It should not be surprising to find contemporary Orthodox Christian studies of bioethics developing their analyses in the light of the prayers and liturgies of the Church (Guroian, 1996). Although content for reflection is drawn from liturgical texts, Scripture, the Fathers, and holy Tradition, it is placed within a confident appreciation that the ultimate guide for human conduct is fully revealed in the Church, the Body of Christ in the Holy Spirit, and that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Heb 13:8). In the [[English language]], a number of monographs have already been published embedded in this understanding of moral theology and bioethics (Breck, 1998; Engelhardt, 2000; Harakas, 1990). At one with the Fathers of the ancient Church and those of the 21st century numerous contemporary authors are attempting to state for the contemporary world the enduring significance of the human struggle to Godd and its implications for the proper use of [[medicine]] and the biomedical sciences. ** IV Bioethics as Theology: Theology as Worship, p.29 === "A History of Soviet Atheism in Theory, and Practice, and the Believer" (1987) === <small> Dimitry V. Pospielovsky, "A History of Soviet Atheism in Theory, and Practice, and the Believer", St Martin's Press, New York (1987) </small> * The beginning of the systematization and centralization of the Soviet antireligious propaganda should be attributed to the birth in 1919 of the first specialized antireligious monthly. ''The Revolution and the Church'' (Revolutsiiaitserkov', henceforth RiTs), published by the People's Commissariat of Justice, followed in 1922 by the short-lived ''Science and Religion'' (''Nauka i religiia'', henceforth ''NiR''), edited by the renigade priest Gorev-Galkin, and specializing in condemning the church for resisting the state confiscation of sacramental objects from churches, allegedly to alleviate the famine. It was replaced in the same year by ''Bezbozhnik'' (The Godless), a wide-circulation paper at first published thrice monthly, later becoming a weekly. <br> The contempt-and-hate campaign in the very first issues of ''RiTs'' attempted to represent the Church, the Orthodox Church in particular, as a fraud, and to sow division by singling out the Orthodox church for attack while presenting the [[Protestant]] sects (the Churches formerly oppressed by the tsars) as hard-working and loyal, and [[Muslim|Moslems]] as supporting the Soviets. <br> One of the first signs was the government decree of 1 March 1919 (reconfirmed in August 1920), regarding ''the complete liquidation of the cult of corpses and mummies'', ordering the opening-up and public exposure of the [[saints]]' [[relics]]. The Soviet media was particularly eager to present the relics of [[w:Sergius_of_Radonezh|St Sergius of Radonezh]] of the fourteenth century, Russia's most revered national saint, as fraudulent. It claimed that there was nothing but cotton-wool, hair, rotten bones and dust in this shrine. <br> Believers no longer weep, don't fall into fits of hysteria, and don't hold a grudge against the Soviet goernment anymore. They see there has been no [[blasphemy]]...Only an age-old fraud has been made naked in the eyes of the nation. ** [https://www.palgrave.com/gp/book/9780333446744 ''Vol 2: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "Contempt and Hate Propaganda, 1919–39", p. 19. * The era of consistent [[Marxism]] in [[Soviet]] [[philosophy]], [[w:Histiography|historiography]] and [[w:Religiology|religiology]] was the era of Prokrovsky, roughly in the first thirty years of our century. Characteristically, M. N. Pokrovsky, in his 600-page ''Russian History in a Most Condensed Form'', devoted not quite a paragraph to the [[w:Christianization of Russia|Christianization of Russia]], without even giving the date. According to him: <br> The higher classes... contemptuous of the old [[w:Slavic paganism|Slavonic religious rituals]] and Slavonic shamans...began to acquire, along with [[Greek]] silk cloth and jewels, also Greek rituals and Greek shamans, i.e. priests. <br> The rehabilitation of the conversion of Russia as a cultural event in the official soviet historiography came in 1937 when the historian S. Bakhrushin condemned not only Pokrovsoky but also the whole historiographic school of economic materialism, including the official Soviet church historians N. M. Nikol'sky, N. A. Rozkohov and others, for failing to see the positive cultural contribution of Christianity to Russia, owing to their 'non Marxist' primitively materialistic dogmatism Deservedly he accuses them of a nihilistic attitude to culture and to the role of the Church in history and national life. to satisfy the [[Marxists]], he first enumerates the material benefits that came from the adoption of [[Christianity]] from [[Byzantium]]. For instance the fasts that came along with the Church necessitated the introduction into and cultivation in Russia of all sorts of vegetables from [[Greece]], including [[w:Cucumber|cucumbers]], [[w:Melon|melons]], [[w:Beetroot|beetroot]], [[w:Beans|beans]]. Such arts and crafts as [[masonry]], making of [[bricks]], [[cement]], [[architecture,]] to name but a few, likewise came from Byzantium; not to mention visual art ([[iconography]]) and [[literature]]. ** [https://www.palgrave.com/gp/book/9780333446744 ''Vol 2: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "Persecutions, 1921–41", pp. 48-49. * Religious belief and the Churches have survived in the [[Soviet Union]] in the face of almost seventy years of continuous persecution, unprecedented in history in intensity, although varying in degree and thrust, depending on the external and internal circumstances. According to approximate calculations, given in our book on the history of the Russian Orthodox Church under the Soviets, the toll of Orthodox clergy has been in the region of 40 000 priests, probably as many monks and nuns, and incalculable millions of lay believers. The number of functioning Orthodox churches has been reduced from over 60 000 (this includes parish and monastic churches and institutional chapels) before the revolution to less than 7000 in the late 1970s. ** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/History_Of_Soviet_Atheism_In_Theory_And/awiwCwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover ''Vol 3: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "General Introduction", p. ix. * In contrast to the multireligious scene in [[North America]] and to the supranational character of the Roman Church in the traditionally Roman Catholic nations of [[w:Western Europe|western Europe]], Orthodoxy (using the vernacular and possessing no extra-territorial centralized Church administration) is not only a religion but a way of life, the very cultural matrix of the daily life in the countries where it has become the national Church. [[Russian]] [[literature]], [[art]], folk traditions, habits (where they survive) and attitudes have been formed or at least saturated by Orthodoxy from within. Therefore, the [[atheistic]] revolt of [[Marxist]] [[Bolshevism]] had to match Orthodoxy in its totality in order to crush it as the national way of life. Being only institutionally and ideologically antireligious as is Marxism in most other [[Eastern Europe|East European]] states, to allow a broader scope of religious toleration than in the [[USSR]] (in all cases except [[Albania]]) would not be effective. The attack had to be so total as to shatter the entire national culture in all its aspects. Hence the attempts of contemporary Russian nationalists to reconstruct Russian [[culture]], Russian [[art]], [[literature]], inevitably brings a revival of Orthodoxy, of elements of Orthodox culture. That is why Orthodoxy is so essential to any study of [[w:Russian nationalism|Russian nationalism]]. ** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/History_Of_Soviet_Atheism_In_Theory_And/awiwCwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover ''Vol 3: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "General introduction", pp. xiv-xv. === About the [[2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]] === * The Church and the State leadership in Russia cooperated in the [[War of aggression|crime of aggression]], and share the responsibility for the resulting crimes, like the shocking abduction of [[Ukraine|Ukrainian]] children. They have provoked enormous suffering not only to the [[Ukraine|Ukrainian]] people, but also to the [[Russians]], who count more than 100,000 casualties, and the responsibility for terrible atrocities. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I, quoted in [https://euromaidanpress.com/2023/03/23/russian-orthodox-church-shares-responsibility-for-russias-aggression-ecumenical-patriarch/ "Russian Orthodox Church shares responsibility for Russia’s aggression – Ecumenical Patriarch"], Euromaidan Press, 23 March 2023 == See also == * [[Christianity]] ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Eastern Orthodoxy]] s9g2o6iv98nfiqkisgzyypkp0gpu0a6 3944614 3944610 2026-05-23T21:51:52Z GrimRob 1187925 /* External links */ 3944614 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Agia%20Triada%20Greek%20Orthodox%20Churchi%20%C4%B0stanbul-3.jpg|thumb]] The '''[[w:Eastern Orthodox Church|Eastern Orthodox Church]]''', is the second-largest [[Christianity|Christian]] Christian Church and one of the oldest extant religious institutions in the world. The Eastern Orthodox Church teaches that it is the [[w:Four Marks of the Church|One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church]] established by [[w:Jesus in Christianity|Jesus Christ]] in his [[w:Great Commission|Great Commission]] to the apostles. It practices what it understands to be the [[w:One true church|original Christian faith]] and maintains the [[w:sacred tradition|sacred tradition]] passed down from the [[apostles]], with the [[w:Patriarch of Constantinople|Patriarch of Constantinople]], the [[w:apostlic succession|apostlic successor]] of [[w:Andrew the Apostle|Andrew the Apostle]]. == Quotes== * The [[Catholic Church|Western Church]], from the tenth century downwards, has privily brought into herself through the [[w:Papacy|papacy]] various and strange and [[Heresy|heretical]] doctrines and innovations, and so she has been torn away and removed far from the true and orthodox Church of Christ. How necessary, then, it is for you to come back and return to the ancient and unadulterated doctrines of the Church in order to attain the [[salvation]] in [[Christ]] after which you press. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Anthimos (Synodal reply to the Encyclical of Pope Leo XIII, 1895). * The Orthodox Church does not have a centralized authority or leadership, instead comprising a constellation of independent and equal national churches, among which the Ecumenical Patriarch is historically and traditionally honored as 'first among equals.' In this regard, the ecumenical Patriarchate bears a primacy of honor and service; its authority lies not in administration but in coordination. Therefore, it serves as the primary focal point of unity, fostering consensus among the various Orthodox churches. In addition to the responsibility of facilitating Orthodox unity, the Ecumenical Patriarch has immediate jurisdiction over the Greek, Ukrainian, Carpatho-Russian, and Albanian Orthodox churches in the [[United States]] and [[Canada]] as well as all Greek Orthodox churches in [[Europe]], [[w:South_America|South America]], [[w:Australasia|Australasia]], and the areas of [[Greece]] freed from [[Ottoman Empire|Turkish occupation]] after the [[w:Balkan_wars|Balkan wars]], including [[w:Crete|Crete]] and [[Macedonia (Greece)|Macedonia]]. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew, Archbiship of Constantiople, Encountering the Mystery: Understanding Orthodox Christianity Today, The Doubleday Religious Publishing Group: New York, 2008, p. 34. *From the [[Russian Revolution|outset in 1917]], the [[Communism|Communists]] believed in a [[Utopia|utopian]] ideology, extreme, organised [[violence]], [[atheism]], a redefined place of the individual that served to reject [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]] precepts, and the rejection of preceding [[Russian history]]. During the [[Russian Civil War|Civil War]] and the 1920s, the Orthodox Church was crushed, with the slaughter of tens of thousands of [[Priest|priests]] and [[monks]], and the desecration and destruction of [[Church|churches]], [[monasteries]] and the tombs of [[saints]]. The real and spiritual landscapes of [[Russia]] and the psychological life of the people were transformed as a consequence. Communism in its own way therefore constituted a major civilisational challenge to the notion in [[Europe]] and [[North America]] of a ‘Western Civilisation’, whether or not articulated explicitly in this fashion. This civilisation owed much to [[Christianity]] and placed considerable weight on [[liberalism]] and [[Tolerance|toleration]]. From this perspective, Communism, drawing both on a reconceptualisation of Russian [[authoritarianism]] and on a new, [[Totalitarianism|totalitarian]] ideology and practice, posed a counter-civilisational challenge with its own precepts, aims, methods and anticipated outcomes. The chiliastic significance of Communist aspirations deserve emphasis. This significance was also to be seen in subsequent [[Communist revolutions]]. Moreover, aside from its hostility to the peace settlements following both [[World War I|World War One]] and the Russian Civil War, the very assumptions and core policies of the [[Soviet Union]] posed a major and continuing challenge to the [[International relations|international system]]. This was more serious, because the successor states established in [[East/Central Europe|Eastern Europe]] after [[World War I|World War One]] were relatively weak as well as divided by territorial aspirations. This created a volatile situation that was open to exploitation by [[War of aggression|aggressive]] states. **[[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''The Cold War: A Military History'' (2015) * On the eve of the [[Russian Revolution|Bolshevik coup d'état]], the Orthodox Church claimed a hundred million adherents, two hundred thousand [[Priest|priests]] and [[Monasticism|monks]], seventy-five thousand churches and chapels, over eleven hundred monasteries, thirty-seven thousand primary schools, fifty-seven seminaries and four university-level academies, not to speak of thousands of hospitals, old people’s homes and orphanages. Within a few years, the intuitional structures were swept away, the churches were desolated, vandalized or put to secular use. Many of the clergy were imprisoned or shot; appropriately enough the first [[concentration camp]] of the gulag was opened in a monastery in [[Siberia|Artic regions]]. ** [[Michael Burleigh]], ''Sacred Causes: The Clash of Religion and Politics, From the Great War to the War on Terror'' (2006), p. 40 * [[Russians]] should realize that they are Orthodox in the first place; Russians in the second place; and only in the third place, [[Human|people]]. ** [[Aleksandr Dugin]], ''[[wikipedia:Foundations of Geopolitics|The Foundations of Geopolitics: The Geopolitical Future of Russia]]'' (1997), Russia: Arktogeja, p. 255, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160607175004/https://www2.gwu.edu/~ieresgwu/assets/docs/demokratizatsiya%20archive/GWASHU_DEMO_12_1/John%20Dunlop%20Aleksandr%20Dugin's%20Foundations%20of%20Geopolitics.pdf "Aleksandr Dugin's Foundations of Geopolitics"] (31 January 2004), by John B. Dunlop, ''Demokratizatsiya'', Chapter: The Gorbachev Debacle * [[Ottoman Greece|The present Condition of this Nation]] is so miserable, and so apt to produce all the most tender Motions of Compassion in those who seriously reflect upon it, that 'twou'd be needless to heighten the Gloominess of the Prospect by comparing it with their former [[Glory]], which after a long and fatal Eclipse, was restor'd to its ancient Splendor by ''[[Constantine the Great]]'', whose [[Memory]] will last till the final Period of the World. But the [[Byzantine Empire|Empire of the ''East'']], which he founded, and united to [[Roman Empire|that of the ''West'']], was divided again after his [[Death]], and continu'd in a declining Condition till the final Overthrow of the ''Palaeologi'' by the ''[[Turks]]'', in the Fifteenth Age; since which time the ''[[Greeks]]'' have still been [[Slavery|Slaves]] in a Country of which they were formerly [[Sovereign state|Sovereigns]]; and to redeem themselves from the Yoak under which they are born, they are forc'd to pay a yearly Tribute, call'd the ''Carache'', which is only impos'd upon them, and their Fellow-Slaves the ''[[Jews]]''. The ''Carache'' is a perpetual Poll-Tax, and exceeds not four ''Piasters'' a Man; and yet since 'tis a Mark of their Bondage, they have left no Means unessay'd to deliver themselves from it, and have even offer'd to raise more considerable Summs another way. Besides, there are oftentimes large ''Avanies'' impos'd upon 'em, which they levy among themselves, according to the proportion of their Estates. All their Patriarchs, Bishops, and Abbots are also oblig'd to pay for their Patents; and the Prices that are exacted of 'em cannot but amount to a very considerable Summ, since there are above five Thousand Arch-Bishops and Bishops in the [[Ottoman Empire|''Turkish'' Empire]], who, reckoning one with another, pay above two Thousand ''Piasters'' a-piece, as a Fine to the ''Grand Signior''. The ''[[Greeks]]'' are naturally Proud, and lovers of Pomp and Magnificence: Most of 'em spend higher than their Estates will bear, and are very fond of the Title of ''Chelety'' or ''Lord''. Yet even the richest of 'em, of which there is a considerable Number, are look'd upon as Objects of Scorn and Contempt by the ''[[Turks]]''. 'Tis true, they are not insensible of their Slavery, and perhaps wou'd willingly shake off the insupportable Yoak of their Domineering Masters; but the Natural Impatience of their Temper is more than sufficiently curb'd by their Weakness, and want of [[Power]]; and they must e'en content themselves with repining in secret at the resistless Tyranny of their Oppressors: For they are seldom or never able to obtain Satisfaction for the Injuries they receive from the ''Turks'', if the Offenders are not wholly destitute both of Friends and Money. ** [[wikipedia:Jean Dumont (publicist)|Jean Dumont]], [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/a36827.0001.001/1:7.11?view=toc ''A New Voyage to the Levant''] (English translation, 1696), Letter XXII * The East is unfamiliar with those confessions, memoirs, and autobiographies so beloved in the West. There is a clear difference in tonality. One's gaze never lingers on the suffering humanity of [[Christ]], but penetrates behind the kenotic veil. To the West's mysticism of the [[Cross]] and its veneration of the [[w:Sacred_Heart|Sacred Heart]] corresponds the eastern mysticism of the sealed tomb, from which eternal life eternal wells up. ** Paul Evdokimov, ''Orthodoxy'', 1968. * The Orthodox Church then, is guardian of [[Holy Scripture]], but she is also the protector of the Tradition in which [[the Bible]]’s teachings are maintained and promulgated. She is the repository of all Scriptural truth. In short, Orthodoxy sees the Christian Faith as composed of Holy Scripture, the teachings of the Fathers, the liturgy of the Church throughout the centuries, the Creeds of the Church, and the Holy Mysteries. Orthodox Christians believe that Almighty God has revealed Himself in these many wondrous ways, and has enriched the life of His people in doing so! ** Fr. George Grube, ''The Orthodox Church A to Z'', [http://www.light-n-life.com Light and Life Publishing], (2012-08-19). * [[Marriage|Marriages]] are not permitted on the eves of [[Wednesday|Wednesdays]] and [[Friday|Fridays]]. During the Great Fast from Dairy Sunday up to the first Tuesday after Pascha. During the Falling Asleep of the Theotokos Fast, which consists of a two week period from August 1-15. During the [[Apostles|Holy Apostles]]’ Fast: Monday after All Saints to June 28. During the [[w:Advent|Nativity Advent]], the period before [[w:Nativity|Christ’s Birth]]. On Saturday, on the eves of the Twelve Great Feasts, on the day before the Feast of the Beheading of [[John the Baptist]], (August 29th), and the day before the Exaltation of the Cross (Sept. 14th). ** Fr. George Grube, ''The Orthodox Church A to Z'', [http://www.light-n-life.com Light and Life Publishing], (2012-08-19). * A [[Christianity]] split into a diversity of ecclesiastical streams, the dualism implicit within its political agenda – nation-forming on the one side, universalism on the other was further accentuated. The classical eastern orthodox form stressing the power of the emperor was in principle [[Universalism|universalist]] enough in its vision of [[Constantinople]] as the New Rome, but in practice Byzantium became a rather thoroughly Greek empire, then among non-Greeks in [[Egypt]], [[Syria]] or the west. This combined with its considerable degree of [[wikipedia:Caesaropapism|Caesaropapism]] led to the generation of a type of [[Separation of church and state|church-state relationship]] characteristic of eastern autocephalous churches of a highly [[Nationalism|nationalist]] type. ** {{cite book|author=[[Adrian Hastings]]|title=The construction of nationhood: ethnicity, religion, and nationalism|publisher=Cambridge University Press|location=Cambridge, UK|year=1997|pages=202|isbn=0-521-62544-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * As sons and daughters of the Russian Orthodox Church, we are all citizens of Holy Russia. When we speak of Holy Russia, we are not talking about the Russian Federation or any [[civil society]] on earth; rather, it is a way of life that has been passed down to us through the centuries by such great saints of the Russian Land as the Holy [[w:Great_Prince_Vladimir|Great Prince Vladimir]] and [[w:Great_Princess_Olga|Great Princess Olga]], Venerable [[w:Sergius_of_Radonezh|Sergius of Radonezh]], [[w:Job_of_Pochaev|Job of Pochaev]], [[Seraphim of Sarov]], and more recently, the countless New [[Martyrdom|Martyrs]] and Confessors of the [[20th century]]. These saints are our ancestors, and we must look to them for instruction on how to bravely confess the Faith, even when facing [[persecution]]. There is no achievement in simply calling oneself "Russian:" in order to be a genuine Russian, one must first become Orthodox and live a life in the Church, as did our forebears, the founders of Holy Russia! ** [[wikipedia:Hilarion (Kapral)|Metropolitan Hilarion]] of the [[wikipedia:ROCOR|Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia]], ''[http://www.synod.com/synod/eng2013/20130619_enmhappeal1025.html Appeal by Metropolitan Hilarion on the celebration of the 1,025th anniversary of the Baptism of Rus]'' (19 June 2013) * My quarrel with [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] goes back to the [[Yugoslav Wars|Balkan wars]] of the 1990s, where he more or less openly represented the "[[wikipedia:Socialist_Party_of_Serbia|Serbian Socialist Party]]" (actually the [[National Socialist|national-socialist]] and [[w:Expansionism|expansionist]] [[dictatorship]] of [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]) as the victim. Many of us are proud of having helped organize to prevent the slaughter and deportation of [[Bosniaks|Europe's oldest and largest and most tolerant Muslim minority]], in [[Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bosnia-Herzegovina]] and in [[Kosovo]]. But at that time, when they were real, Chomsky wasn't apparently interested in [[Muslim]] grievances. He only became a voice for that when the [[Taliban]] and [[Al-Qaeda|Al Qaeda]] needed to be represented in their turn as the victims of a "silent genocide" in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. Let me put it like this, if a supposed scholar takes the [[Christianity|Christian]]-Orthodox side when it is the [[War of aggression|aggressor]], and then switches to taking the "Muslim" side when Muslims commit [[mass murder]], I think that there is something very nasty going on. And yes, I don't think it is exaggerated to describe that nastiness as "[[Anti-Americanism|anti-American]]" when the power that stops and punishes both aggressions is the [[United States]] … In some awful way, his regard for the underdog has mutated into support for mad dogs. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], [http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/Read.aspx?GUID=C78DC231-4599-4745-9CA5-A398398916A0 "Love, Poverty and War"], ''FrontPageMagazine.com'' ([[2004-12-29]]): On [[Noam Chomsky]] * The 2014 “[[constitution]]” of the “[Donetsk People’s Republic]” – we refer here to [https://www.worldstatesmen.org/Donetsk-cons14.docx the original 2014 version]; it has been amended in [https://russian.rt.com/article/32204 subsequent published versions], probably also for [[propaganda]] purposes – [is the first [[Constitutions|constitution]]] in the world that makes fighting “[[Cult|cults]]” a constitutional principle. Article 21 of the 2014 “constitution” called for “the implementation of policies to protect the public from the activities of religious cults” (I explained at length in Bitter Winter why “секта” in Russian and similar words in other languages should be translated as “cult” and not as “sect.”) …What is happening in the pseudo-“Donetsk People’s Republic” and “Luhansk People’s Republic” is a perfect representation of the dystopic Orthodox theocracy Putin’s ideologists have in mind for a “Russian World” whose borders they continuously expand. ** [[Massimo Introvigne]], [https://bitterwinter.org/donetsk-and-luhansk-denying-religious-liberty/ "Donetsk and Luhansk: Pseudo-States Denying Religious Liberty"], ''Bitter Winter'' (February 23, 2022) * [[Yugoslavia]] resembled [[wikipedia:Czechoslovakia|Czechoslovakia]] in that it was a miniature [[empire]] run by [[Serbs]], and with considerably more brutality than the [[wikipedia:Czechs|Czechs]] ran theirs. In parts of it there had been continuous fighting since 1912, and the frontiers were not settled (if that is the word) until 1926. The Orthodox Serbs ran the [[Military|army]] and the [[Public administration|administration]], but the [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] [[wikipedia:Croatia|Croats]] and [[wikipedia:Slovenia|Slovenes]], who had much higher [[Culture|cultural]] and [[Economics|economic]] standards, talked of their duty to '[[Europe|Europeanize]] the [[Balkans]]' (i.e. the Serbs) and their fears that they themselves would be 'Balkanized.' [[wikipedia:R.W. Seton-Watson|R.W. Seton-Watson]], who had been instrumental in creating the new country, was soon disillusioned by the way the Serbs ran it: 'The situation in Jugoslavia,' he wrote in 1921, 'reduces me to despair.... I have no confidence in the new [[Constitutions|constitution]], with its absurd [[Centralisation|centralism]].' The Serb officials were worse than the Habsburgs, he complained, and Serb opposition more savage than [[Germans|German]]. 'My own inclination,' he wrote in 1928, '... is to leave the Serbs and Croats to stew in their own juice! I think they are both mad and cannot see beyond the ends of their noses.' Indeed, MPs had just been blazing away at each other with pistols in [[Parliamentary system|parliament]], the [[wikipedia:Croat Peasant Party|Croat Peasant Party]] leader, [[wikipedia:Stepan Radic|Stepan Radic]], being killed in the process. The country was held together, if at all, not so much by the Serb political police as by the smouldering hatred of its [[Italy|Italian]], [[Hungary|Hungarian]], [[Bulgaria|Bulgarian]], and [[Albania|Albanian]] neighbors, all of whom had grievances to settle. ** [[Paul Johnson]], ''Modern Times: The World from the Twenties to the Nineties'' (1991), ISBN 9780060168339 * Along with Moisiodax, Rigas Velestinlis (he too a Vlach), Nikolaos Zervoulis, Dimitrios Darvaris, Nikolaos Piccolos, and Arhanacios Vogoridis had all assimilated into [[Hellenism]] at the time. During much of the eighteenth and first half of the [[19th century|nineteenth centuries]], [[Hellenism]] served in the [[Balkans]] as an ecumenical cultural ideal, very much like the role it played in the eastern Mediterranean of the [[w:Hellenistic_period|Hellenistic period]] and of [[w:late_antiquity|late antiquity]]. Although not supported by [[military]] might as was the case in [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]]’s time, it attained enormous prestige. Indeed, Greek culture along with Orthodoxy and the [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman administration]] served as the three unifying forces in the [[Balkans]]. Hellenism expanded throughout the region because Greeks had dominated the four areas— [[religion]], [[economy]], [[Public administration|administration]], and [[intellectual]] life—that constituted the shared substratum of Balkan life (Tsourkas 1967: 212). Ethnic [[Greeks]] occupied positions of enormous prestige and influence in the Ottoman administration and served for decades as governors of [[Romania|Walachia and Moldavia]]. [[Greek language|Greek]] had become the language of commerce and Hellenism the secular culture of the Balkans (Camariano-Cioran 1974: 15, 311). The economic and political power of the Greeks enabled them to have more contacts with Westerners than their neighbours, which explains in part their earlier attempts at modernization. ** {{cite book|author=Gregory Jusdanis|title=The Necessary Nation|publisher=Princeton University Press|location=Princeton, N.J|year=2001|pages=122|isbn=0-691-08902-7|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * This 'heroic' aspect of the [[World War II|Partisan struggle]], deeply inspiring to scholars-turned-soldiers like [[wikipedia:Sir William Deakin|Deakin]], reads well on the page. But in practice of waging a politico-military campaign over the length and breadth of Yugoslavia brought untold suffering to its peoples. Their history was already one of bitter and violent rivalry, which the war had reawoken. In the north [[wikipedia:Independent State of Croatia|leaders of the Catholic Croats]] had taken advantage of [[Italy|Italian]] sponsorship to unleash a [[wikipedia:Genocide of Serbs in the Independent State of Croatia|campaign of expulsion, forced conversion, and extermination against the Orthodox Serbs]]. [[Bosniaks|Muslims]] in [[Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bosnia-Herzegovina]] took a hand in the civil war also, while in the south the [[Serbs]] of [[Kosovo]] were attacked by their Albanian neighbors. The [[wikipedia:Chetniks|Chetniks]], for their part, contested authority in the [[Serbia|Serb lands]] with the Partisans, with whom they had failed to agree a join strategy, but did not open war with the [[Nazi Germany|German occupiers]] lest that provoke reprisals. [[Josip Broz Tito|Tito]] hardened his heart against reprisals; indeed, he saw [[wikipedia:Axis powers|Axis]] atrocities as a spur to recruitment. He deliberately drew the [[Germans]] after him in seven so-called 'offensives' that left the [[countryside]] through which his Partisans marched a wasteland. The villagers had either to follow the Partisans 'into the woods' (a traditional description of the whereabouts of [[Resistance movement|resisters]] to the [[Turks]]) or stay and await reprisals. Kardelji, Tito's deputy, was emphatic about the desirability of confronting the uncommitted with such a dilemma: 'Some commanders are afraid of reprisals and that fear prevents the mobilisation of villages. I consider the reprisals will have the useful result of throwing Croatian villages on the side of Serb villages. In war we must not be frightened of the destruction of whole villages. Terror will bring about armed action.' Kardelji's analysis was correct. ** [[wikipedia:John Keegan|John Keegan]], ''A History of Warfare'' (1994), p. 52 *A further weakness was that despite certain borrowings from the West, Russia remained technologically backward and economically [[Underdeveloped countries|underdeveloped]]. Extremes of climate and the enormous distances and poor communications partly accounted for this, but so also did severe social defects: the military [[absolutism]] of the czars, the monopoly of [[education]] in the hands of the Orthodox Church, the venality and unpredictability of the [[bureaucracy]], and the institution of [[serfdom]], which made [[agriculture]] [[Feudalism|feudal]] and static. Yet despite this relative backwardness, and despite the setbacks, Russia continued to expand, imposing upon its new territories the same [[military]] force and [[Autocrats|autocratic]] rule which was used to command the obedience of the [[Moscow|Muscovites]]. Enough had been borrowed from Europe to give the regime the armed strength to preserve itself, while all possibility of western social and political “modernization” was firmly resisted; foreigners in Russia, for example, were segregated from the natives in order to prevent subversive influences. Unlike the other despotisms mentioned in this chapter, the empire of the czars would manage to survive and Russia would one day grow to be a world power. Yet in 1500, and even as late as 1650, this was scarcely obvious to many [[Frenchmen]], [[Dutchmen]], and [[Englishmen]], who probably knew as much about the [[Russians|Russian]] ruler as they did about the legendary [[Prester John]]. **[[w:Paul_Kennedy|Paul Kennedy]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Great Powers: Economic Change and Military Conflict from 1500-1900'' (1987) * The existence of [[Russia]] is of a great spiritual and cultural value – not only for you and me, but for all humanity. And we are calling for the preservation of the people of Russia, for the birth of our new compatriots, not only and not so much because these people are needed by the country, but also to a great extent because this country is needed by people. Russia must exist and play its irreplaceable role in our destiny with you, in the destiny of our descendants and throughout world history. The special value of Russia, its special vocation is to be a stronghold of Orthodox Christianity. To preserve the Orthodox faith, Orthodox tradition and culture, [[wikipedia:Christian_ethics|Christian moral principles]] intact. Maybe that is why the powers that be are so ganged up on the [[wikipedia:Russian_Orthodox_Church|Russian Orthodox Church]], wanting to tear away the Greek Orthodox world from the Russian Church, wanting to destroy the unity of the Orthodox Church. We possess reliable information that everything that is happening now in world Orthodoxy is not an accident, not just the whim of a religious figure whose mind has become clouded. This is the implementation of a very specific plan that aims to tear the Greek world away from Russia. According to the perpetrators — I cannot describe these strategists in any other way — the Russian Church appears to be some kind of “soft power”, through which Russia influences the world around it. But '''why can’t Russia share its spiritual gifts?''' Is it criminal? This can be criminal only in the view of those who seek to weaken, and if possible to destroy the influence of Russia. In this whole story related to the problem of recognition or non-recognition of [[Ukrainian]] schismatics by the Local Orthodox Churches, there is something that is not declared, but which is the main goal of the forces behind the scenes that unleashed this schismatic activity. We in the Russian Church understand this clearly, but today our brothers in [[Greece]] and other Orthodox Churches also understand this. We are being asked to resist, not to flinch, to continue the struggle to maintain the spiritual independence of the Russian Orthodox Church from all these centres of world influence, and most importantly – to maintain the unity of Universal Orthodoxy. This is not a simple task. The Church has no army. The Church has no material means. So it is not easy without material means to build the spiritual defense. ** [[Patriarch Kirill of Moscow]], Primate of the Russian Orthodox Church. [https://orthochristian.com/125041.html 18th Sunday after Pentecost, 20 October 2019]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVTvJXroA0g Video] * So there is no single European people. There is no single all-embracing community of culture and tradition among, say, [[Warsaw]], [[Amsterdam]], [[Berlin]] and [[Belgrade]]. In fact, there are at least four communities: the Northern [[Protestantism|Protestant]], the [[Latin]] [[Catholic Church|Catholic]], the [[Greeks|Greek]] Orthodox, and the [[Muslim]] [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman]]. There is no single [[language]] - there are more than twenty. (...) There are no real European [[political parties]] (...). And most significantly of all: unlike the [[United States]], Europe still does not have a common story. ** [[Geert Mak]], [http://www.eurocult.org/uploads/docs/712.pdf Europe as a cultural project], 2005 *To the [[Russians|Russian]], indeed to any member of the Orthodox church, the priest is not the teacher and guide in matters of [[religion]], but is above all the miracle-worker, the [[magician]]. The Russian looks upon his priest as a live "good conductor" of divine [[grace]], as a passive mediator. The Russian is a consistent passivist. [[Salvation]] comes to man without his personal collaboration, and even the [[priest]] plays no individual part here. This is why in [[Russia]] (as in the east) the [[Monasticism|monk]] is held in much higher esteem than the ordinary priest. ** {{citation |title=The Spirit of Russia |volume = II |year=1919 |first=Thomas |last=Garrigue Masaryk |author-link=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk | translator-last =Paul | translator-first =Eden | translator2-last =Paul | translator2-first =Cedar | pages=490 |url= }} * The sheer scale of [[United States|America]] in the 1920s was impressive, and its variety was downright astonishing. The nation’s population had nearly doubled since 1890, when it had numbered just sixty-three million souls. At least a third of the increase was due to a huge surge of immigrants. Most of them had journeyed to America from the religiously and culturally exotic regions of southern and eastern Europe. Through the great hall in the immigrant receiving center on [[New York City|New York]]’s [[wikipedia:Ellis_Island|Ellis Island]], opened in 1892, streamed in the next three decades almost four million [[Italians|Italian]] [[Catholic Church|Catholics]]; half a million Orthodox [[Greeks]]; half a million Catholic [[Hungarian|Hungarians]]; nearly a million and a half Catholic [[Poland|Poles]]; more than two million [[Judaism|Jews]], largely from [[Russia|Russian]]-controlled [[Poland]], [[Ukraine]], and [[Lithuania]]; half a million Slovaks, mostly Catholic; millions of other eastern Slavs from [[Byelorussia]], [[wikipedia:Ruthenia|Ruthenia]], and [[Russia]], mostly Orthodox; more millions of southern Slavs, a mix of Catholic, Orthodox, [[Muslim]], and Jew, from [[Romania|Rumania]], [[Croatia]], [[Serbia]], [[Bulgaria]], and [[Montenegrins|Montenegro]]. The waves of arrivals after the turn of the century were so enormous that of the 123 million Americans recorded in the census of 1930, one in ten was [[Immigration to the United States|foreign born]], and an additional 20 percent had at least one parent born abroad. ** [[wikipedia:David_M._Kennedy|David M. Kennedy]], ''Freedom from Fear: The American People in Depression and War 1929-1945'' (1999), ISBN 0-19-503834-7, p. 13-14 * The [[Soviet Union]] was the first state to have as an ideological objective the elimination of religion. Toward that end, the [[Communism|Communist]] regime confiscated church property, [[Marxism and religion|ridiculed religion]], harassed believers, and propagated atheism in the schools. Actions toward particular religions, however, were determined by State interests, and most organized religions were never outlawed. <br> The main target of the anti-religious campaign in the 1920s and 1930s was the Russian Orthodox Church, which had the largest number of faithful. Nearly all of its clergy, and many of its believers, were shot or sent to [[Concentration camp|labor camps]]. Theological schools were closed, and church publications were prohibited. By 1939 only about 500 of over 50,000 churches remained open. <br> After [[Nazi Germany]]'s [[World War II|attack on the Soviet Union in 1941]], [[Joseph Stalin]] revived the Russian Orthodox Church to intensify patriotic support for the war effort. By 1957 about 22,000 Russian Orthodox churches had become active. But in 1959 [[Nikita Khrushchev]] initiated his own campaign against the Russian Orthodox Church and forced the closure of about 12,000 churches. By 1985 fewer than 7,000 churches remained active. Members of the church hierarchy were jailed or forced out, their places taken by docile clergy, many of whom had ties with the [[KGB]]. ** Library of Congress, [https://www.loc.gov/exhibits/archives/anti.html “Revelations from the Russian Archives”], “ANTI-RELIGIOUS CAMPAIGNS”, (August 31, 2016). * Yugoslavia was itself the flawed creation of the ruin of empires in 1918, dominated until the Second World War by the [[Serbs|Serbian]] monarchy yet comprising [[Muslim]] [[Bosniaks|Bosnians]] and Kosovan Albanians, Orthodox Montenegrins and Serbs, and [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] Croats. Out of the brutal ethnic slaughters of the two world wars, the long-serving [[Dictatorship|dictator]] Marshal Josip Tito, whose Partisans had liberated Yugoslavia from Nazi occupation, had created a strong regime, using his own charismatic personality and, less well-known, [[Terrorism|terror]], [[secret police]] and [[Concentration camp|concentration camps]]. Yet Tito controlled the deadly ethnic feuds of the [[Balkans]] and gave his peoples almost 30 years of [[peace]] and order. But the revolving presidency implemented after his death in 1980 left a stewing ethnic cauldron lacking a strong hand to control it. [[Slobodan Milošević|Milošević]] filled this vacuum with his death squads, condottiere and psychopathic warlords, coordinated and financed at his personal command. ** [[wikipedia:Simon_Sebag_Montefiore|Simon Sebag Montefiore]], ''Monsters: HIstory's Most Evil Men and Women'' (2009), p. 361 * You know, as I already mentioned, in 988 [[wikipedia:Vladimir_the_Great|Prince Vladimir]] himself was baptized following the example of his grandmother, [[wikipedia:Olga_of_Kiev|Princess Olga]], and then he baptized his retinue, and then gradually, over the course of several years, he baptized all Rus. It was a lengthy process – from [[Paganism|pagans]] to Christians, it took many years. But in the end, this Orthodoxy, Eastern Christianity, deeply rooted itself in the consciousness of the Russian people. When Russia expanded and absorbed other nations who profess [[Islam]], [[Buddhism]] and [[Judaism]], Russia has always been very loyal to those people who profess other religions. This is its strength. This is absolutely clear. And the fact is that the main postulates, main values are very similar, not to say the same, in all world religions I’ve just mentioned and which are the traditional religions of the Russian Federation, Russia. By the way, [[Government of Russia|Russian authorities]] were always very careful about the [[culture]] and [[religion]] of those peoples who came to join the Russian Empire. This, in my opinion, forms the basis of both [[security]] and stability of the Russian statehood – all the peoples inhabiting Russia basically consider it their Motherland. ** [[Vladimir Putin]], [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/73411 Interview to Tucker Carlson], 9 February 2024 * In antiquity, the power of Greek cities was manifested by their ability to found far—off, independent [[Colony|colonies]], where the cities and colonies were connected more by [[language]], [[culture]], and [[history]] than by law or a hierarchical relationship. This is what the [[France|French]] [[Geography|geographer]] Georges Prévélakis calls a “galactic” organization, as opposed to a “dendritic” organization based on the relation between a centre and its periphery. The spread of Roman power—first by the republic, then the empire—over the entire Mediterranean did not cause Hellenism to disappear as a cultural unity. After the empire split in two in 395, Hellenism actually blossomed in the Eastern Roman (Byzantine) Empire, where it became the principal cultural component, especially in the religious domain: The Great Schism of 1054 divided [[Catholic Church|Roman Catholics]] from the Greek Orthodox. Even political power became Hellenized. The seizure of Constantinople by the Ottomans in 1453 ended the Byzantine Empire, but Hellenism survived in the Ottoman Empire. Along with the [[Judaism|Jews]] and the [[wikipedia:Armenian_Apostolic_Church|Armenian Apostolic Church]], the Orthodox Church was allowed to establish an autonomous religious community, called milliet, that was responsible for the allocation and collection of taxes and for such matters as [[marriage]], [[divorce]], and [[inheritance]]. With the development of the Mediterranean trading system in the sixteenth century, Greek communities appeared outside the empire, including [[western Europe]] ([[wikipedia:Livorno|Livorno]] and [[Venice]]) and [[Russia]]. Contact with [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]] [[philosophy]] and the [[French Revolution|ideas of 1789]] fed the aspiration for a Greek state. This was created in 1830, founded on the ambition of restoring Greater Greece by recovering the Ottoman territories of [[Asia Minor]]. That hope collapsed in 1922-23 with the end of the [[wikipedia:Greco-Turkish_War|Greco-Turkish war]] and the territorial agreement between the two countries. ** {{cite book|author=William Rodarmor; Stephane Dufoix|title=Diasporas|publisher=University of California Press|location=Berkeley|year=2008|pages=39|isbn=0-520-25359-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * First, [[Greece]]: for modern Greeks, as I intimated, the future could mirror ‘the past’ past’ in more than one way, since there was a clear split in that past. One school argued for the Byzantine roots and glory of Greece. They pointed to the massive influx of [[wikipedia:Slavs|Slavic]] immigrants in the sixth and succeeding centuries throughout the [[Balkans]] and Greece, and claimed that this had weakened the links with a decayed Hellenic (or Hellenistic— Roman) culture. What was Byzantine was essentially Orthodox Christianity only the Greek language and liturgy retained any connection with a pre-Christian past. In the Orthodox millet of the [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman empire]], [[Christianity]] had kept a Byzantine Greek ethnic alive, as in a chrysalis, ready to be transformed under the impact of Western ideas and commercialization in the late eighteenth century. For the Byzantine-Orthodox clergy and their flocks, for the notables in the Mores and Phanariots in [[Constantinople]], this grandiose dream of a restored [[Byzantine Empire|Byzantine empire]] under Greek control located the re-nascent Greek people and charted their future in the Aegean and Ionia. It also pointed the way to a restored [[agrarian]] society of [[Peasant|peasants]], [[Nobility|notables]] and [[clergy]], essentially smallholders, but led by educated Orthodox elites under the Patriarch. ** {{cite book|author=[[Anthony D. Smith]]|title=The ethnic origins of nations|publisher=B. Blackwell|location=Oxford|year=1987|pages=203|isbn=0-631-16169-4|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * Greeks, Jews, and [[Armenians]] after their subordination to others and emigration or expulsion from their original homelands became Diaspora ethno-religious communities cultivating the particular virtues and aptitudes of their traditions. These included a respect for scholarship and learning, derived from constant study of sacred texts (and in the Greek case some of their ancient secular texts seen through religious filters); and hence a generally high status accorded to religious scholars and clergy within each enclave. Allied to this was a marked aptitude for literary expression—poetic, philosophical, legal, liturgical, linguistic, and historical. Greek Phanariot merchants and traders dominated the commerce of the Ottoman empire, utilizing their kinship networks and social and religious institutions to maximize not only their business and assets, but also their cultural capital. Diaspora Greeks became especially prominent from the eighteenth century in the development of printing and the press, and experienced a major intellectual revival in cities as far afield as [[Vienna]], [[Venice]], [[wikipedia:Odessa|Odessa]], [[Paris]], and [[Amsterdam]] ** {{cite book|author=[[Anthony D. Smith]]|title=Myths and memories of the nation|publisher=Oxford University Press|location=Oxford [Oxfordshire]|year=1999|pages=212-215|isbn=0-19-829534-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} : Chapter: ''Greeks, Armenians and Jews'' * Orthodox churches were stripped of their valuables in 1922 at the instigation of [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Leon Trotsky|Trotsky]]. In subsequent years, including both the [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] and the [[Nikita Khrushchev|Khrushchev]] periods, tens of thousands of churches were torn down or desecrated, leaving behind a disfigured wasteland that bore no resemblance to [[Russia]] such as it had stood for centuries. Entire districts and cities of half a million inhabitants were left without a single [[church]]. Our people were condemned to live in this dark and mute wilderness for decades, groping their way to [[God]] and keeping to this course by trial and error. The grip of oppression that we have lived under, and continue to live under, has been so great that religion, instead of leading to a free blossoming of the spirit, has been manifested in asserting the faith on the brink of destruction, or else on the seductive frontiers of [[Marxism|Marxist]] rhetoric, where so many souls have come to grief. ** [[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn]], Templeton Address (1983) * Get ready for Russia to cast itself as the protector, not only of the [[wikipedia:Alawite|Alawites]] but also of other minorities such as [[wikipedia:Turcoman|Turcoman]], [[Armenians]] and, more interestingly for [[Moscow]], Orthodox Christians who have fled [[Islamic terrorism|Islamist terror]] groups such as [[Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIS]]. Russia has always seen itself as the “Third Rome” and the last standard-bearer of [[Christianity]] against both [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] “deviation” and [[Islamism|Islamist]] menace. By controlling a new mini-state, as a “safe haven for minorities,” Russia could insist that if [[Syria]] returns to some normality it be reconstituted as a highly [[Decentralization|decentralized]] [[state]]. This is what [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] is also demanding in [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]]. The Syrian coast will become another [[Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Crimea]], if not completely annexed, at least [[Military occupation|occupied]]. Unless stopped, the Putin treatment will not end in [[Syrian civil war|Syria]]. The two next candidates could be [[w:Moldova|Moldova]] and [[Latvia]], both of which have large Russian-speaking minorities. ** [[Amir Taheri]], [http://nypost.com/2015/09/19/putin-is-turning-the-syrian-coast-into-another-crimea/ Putin is turning the Syrian coast into another Crimea], ''New York Post'' (September 19, 2015). * When received into the Orthodox Church, a convert promises, ‘I will accept and understand Holy Scripture in accordance with the interpretation which was and is held by the Holy Orthodox Catholic Church of the East, our Mother. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29. * The doctrinal definitions of an Ecumenical Council are infallible. Thus in the eyes of the Orthodox Church, the statements of faith put out by the seven councils possess, along with the Bible, an abiding and irrevocable authority. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29, p. 205. * Orthodox Canon Law, while permitting a second or even a third marriage, absolutely forbids a fourth. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29. p. 295. *The role of religion is important both on the [[United States|American]] and [[Russia|Russian]] side [of the [[Cold War]]]. While the position of organized faith was already in decline in [[Europe]] (and in many other places, too) by the end of the [[19th century|nineteenth century]], Russians and Americans still saw religion as has having a central place in their lives. In a certain sense, there were similarities between [[Evangelicalism in the United States|American Evangelical Protestantism]] and Russian Orthodoxy. Both emphasized [[teleology]] and certainty of [[faith]] above what was common in other Christian groups. Being unconcerned with concepts of [[original sin]], both believed in the perfectibility of [[society]]. Most importantly, both Evangelicals and Orthodox believed that their religion inspired their politics in a direct sense. They alone were set to fulfill [[God]]’s plan for and with man. **Odd Arne Westad, ''The Cold War: A World History'' (2017), p. 20 === “Orthodox Christian Bioethics: Medical Morality in the Mind of the Fathers” (2013) === <small> H. Trisram Engelhardt, Jr., “Orthodox Christian Bioethics: Medical Morality in the Mind of the Fathers”; in Mark Cherry; John F. Peppin (2013). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Religious_Perspectives_on_Bioethics/21ZEAgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1 ''Religious Perspectives in Bioethics'']. Taylor & Francis. ISBN 9781317762416. </small> * [[w:Western_world|Western]] [[Secularism|secular]] [[morality]] developed out a fragmented Western Christianity. Against a background of disunity and deep differences, it aspired to a rationally grounded universality. The fragmentation and diversity of [[w:Western_Christianity|Western Christianity]] invited a secular morality that could transcend the division within Western Christianity and compass all in a single, secular morality. Orthodox Christianity never experienced this fragmentation. Nor did it assume that secular moral reflection, which it experienced as primarily polytheistic, and therefore plural, could provide a unity superior to that available that is [[Asceticism|ascetic,]] experiential, liturgical, and noetic. ** pp.5-6 * Orthodox Christianity knows the moral life to be a whole, a way of life within which one can enter into union with God. Orthodox [[theology]], [[morality]], and [[bioethics]] serve to cure the soul of self-love. As a consequence, distinctions among dogmatic [[theology]], [[w:Moral_theology|moral theology]], and liturgical theology threaten to distort and disorient the live appreciation of theology as a practice transcending the confines of the academy and possessing a closer resemblance to a healing practice, albeit a special one aimed at bringing all into relationship with the truth Whom the Orthodox recognize to be personal, namely, the [[Trinity]] (Vlachos, 1994). Morality is recognized as a kind of therapeutic regiment for purifying the person, inviting illumination by God’s grace. As a consequence, the reader therefore must be warned: Orthodox Christianity does not offer a bioethics in the same way in which [[Secularism|secular]] and [[Catholic Church|Roman Catholic]] thought offers systematic reflections based on settled moral judgments elaborated philosophically towards the goal of developing ever clearer insights into the nature of [[morality]]. It contrasts as well with the bioethics of those Western mainline Christian bodies who have attempted in a progressive spirit to develop a moral theology adapted to the cultural concerns and demands of the contemporary age. <br> Orthodox Christian morality is a mode of reorienting persons away from themselves and toward God and their fellow-man, thus giving Orthodox bioethics a homiletic rather than a scholarly character. Sine theology ‘’par excellence’’ is directed to purification of the heart and illumination by God’s grace, all theological progress is personal, and the academic endeavors of Orthodox scholars at best clarify the use of terms and develop languages suitable for communicating reflections concerning the Church’s unbroken experience of a timeless truth; the Triune God. The academic endeavors of scholars to afford commentaries on the experience and teachings of the [[Church Fathers]] over the centuries. However, such scholarly analysis and commentary are always secondary in authority and importance to theology as an experience of god. Because of the non-developmental character of Orthodox Christian experience of God’s presence, the age of the Fathers has not ended for Orthodoxy, as it did for the West around the 8th century. Strictly speaking, the age of the Fathers is coterminous with the unbroken presence in the Church of the Holy Spirit. ** pp.21-22 * Orthodox Christian [[epistemology]] is at root noetic or mystical; it acknowledges that the only way beyond a confining finite horizon of experience and texts is via a transforming relation with the transcendent God. For this reason, the theologians ''par excellence'' need not be academics or even literate. As [[Evagrios the Solitary]] (A.D. 345-399) stresses, “if you are a [[Theology|theologian]], you will pray truly. And if you pray truly, you are a theologian” (Evagrios, 1988, p.62). <br> The result is not just that Orthodox Christianity rejects the discursive rational commitments of [[w:Scholasticism|Scholasticism]] and the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]]; it also breaks through the fragmentation of the moral [[pluralism]] defining [[Postmodernism|post-modernism]]. It reaches beyond the confines of particular narratives and texts, which are set within the horizon the finite and the immanent. For example, the Scriptures are neither revelation nor a set of writings relevantly to be reassessed through historical, text-critical, and higher-critical methods. Instead, the Scriptures are records of a revelation whose significance can only be correctly experienced within the grace of the Church which is the body of Christ: their meaning is acquired on the model of Christ’s unlocking the [[The Bible|Scriptures]] on the way to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-35). Within the privileged ascetic and liturgically directed epistemological standpoint of the Church, the writings she has accepted, affirmed, and interpreted become, like an icon, a window so that one can look through the text to God. ** I Before and Beyond the Scholastic-Enlightenment Project, p.22-23 * Orthodox Christianity acknowledges its moral truth as nested within a liturgical Now, a moral experience that has existed and been sustained in its fullness since the age of the Apostles. For Orthodox Christianity, its moral theological past is in the present so that Orthodox Christians turn seemingly indiscriminately for guidance to any of the Fathers of any century. This epistemological standpoint within which the past is experienced as “now” is captured in the practice of its liturgical appropriation of the past as present. For example, the Vespers of the Sunday of the Holy Fathers of the First six Ecumenical councils declares: “Those God-mantled Father have proclaimed today in concert …” (Nassar, 1979, p.558).Despite the circumstance that these councils occurred from the 4th to the 7th centuries, liturgically they are encountered as present. <br> The Orthodox Church does not deny terminological development. The Church acknowledges that distinctions, terminologies, and analyses of theological experience take shape within a history. Yet, since Orthodox theology is not primarily an academic discipline but an immediate experience of God, these analytic, conceptual, and academic developments do not constitute theological developments ‘’per se’’. Rather, they are temporally and historically located responses to heresies and articulations of answers to particular questions and puzzles. The contributions of the Fathers from the 3rd to the 8th centuries can be understood as playing a role distantly analogous to the age of the Fathers for the West: they are a rich resource of theological reflection and Scriptural exposition that records the commitments and life of the Church of the first part of the [[w:First_millennium|first millennium]] so that one must think, believe, and act in one with their mind. However, because of the non-developmental character of Orthodox Christianity, the age of the Fathers has not ended, for the same Spirit Who inspired the Gospels inspired the holy Fathers of the 21st century. ** “The Past in the Present Tense”, p.24 * The manner in which we [the Orthodox and the West] exist has become ontologically different … the Orthodox Christian does not live in a place of theological and conceptual conversations, but rather in a place of an essential and empirical lifestyle and reality as confirmed by grace in the heart [Heb 13:9]. This grace cannot be put in doubt either by [[logic]] or [[science]] or other type of argument … However, the change of man’s essence, theosis by grace, is a fact that is tangible for all the Orthodox faithful. [[Grace]] is not only obtained through the transformed relics of the saints which is totally inexplicable without acceptance of the divine. Grace also radiates from living Saints who are truly in the likeness of the Lord [Luke 8:46] (Patriarch Bartholomew, 1997). ** Nicea II, A.D. 787; as qtd in. “The Past in the Present Tense” p.24 * At one with [[Paul of Tarsus|St. Paul]] in his first chapter of the [[Epistle to the Romans|letter of the Romans]], Orthodox Christianity recognize that moral knowledge is fully and rightly disclosed only within a life marked by right worship. “therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the degrading of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a ie and worshiped the served the creature rather than the Creator, Who is blessed forever! Amen!”(Rom 1:24-25). It should not be surprising to find contemporary Orthodox Christian studies of bioethics developing their analyses in the light of the prayers and liturgies of the Church (Guroian, 1996). Although content for reflection is drawn from liturgical texts, Scripture, the Fathers, and holy Tradition, it is placed within a confident appreciation that the ultimate guide for human conduct is fully revealed in the Church, the Body of Christ in the Holy Spirit, and that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Heb 13:8). In the [[English language]], a number of monographs have already been published embedded in this understanding of moral theology and bioethics (Breck, 1998; Engelhardt, 2000; Harakas, 1990). At one with the Fathers of the ancient Church and those of the 21st century numerous contemporary authors are attempting to state for the contemporary world the enduring significance of the human struggle to Godd and its implications for the proper use of [[medicine]] and the biomedical sciences. ** IV Bioethics as Theology: Theology as Worship, p.29 === "A History of Soviet Atheism in Theory, and Practice, and the Believer" (1987) === <small> Dimitry V. Pospielovsky, "A History of Soviet Atheism in Theory, and Practice, and the Believer", St Martin's Press, New York (1987) </small> * The beginning of the systematization and centralization of the Soviet antireligious propaganda should be attributed to the birth in 1919 of the first specialized antireligious monthly. ''The Revolution and the Church'' (Revolutsiiaitserkov', henceforth RiTs), published by the People's Commissariat of Justice, followed in 1922 by the short-lived ''Science and Religion'' (''Nauka i religiia'', henceforth ''NiR''), edited by the renigade priest Gorev-Galkin, and specializing in condemning the church for resisting the state confiscation of sacramental objects from churches, allegedly to alleviate the famine. It was replaced in the same year by ''Bezbozhnik'' (The Godless), a wide-circulation paper at first published thrice monthly, later becoming a weekly. <br> The contempt-and-hate campaign in the very first issues of ''RiTs'' attempted to represent the Church, the Orthodox Church in particular, as a fraud, and to sow division by singling out the Orthodox church for attack while presenting the [[Protestant]] sects (the Churches formerly oppressed by the tsars) as hard-working and loyal, and [[Muslim|Moslems]] as supporting the Soviets. <br> One of the first signs was the government decree of 1 March 1919 (reconfirmed in August 1920), regarding ''the complete liquidation of the cult of corpses and mummies'', ordering the opening-up and public exposure of the [[saints]]' [[relics]]. The Soviet media was particularly eager to present the relics of [[w:Sergius_of_Radonezh|St Sergius of Radonezh]] of the fourteenth century, Russia's most revered national saint, as fraudulent. It claimed that there was nothing but cotton-wool, hair, rotten bones and dust in this shrine. <br> Believers no longer weep, don't fall into fits of hysteria, and don't hold a grudge against the Soviet goernment anymore. They see there has been no [[blasphemy]]...Only an age-old fraud has been made naked in the eyes of the nation. ** [https://www.palgrave.com/gp/book/9780333446744 ''Vol 2: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "Contempt and Hate Propaganda, 1919–39", p. 19. * The era of consistent [[Marxism]] in [[Soviet]] [[philosophy]], [[w:Histiography|historiography]] and [[w:Religiology|religiology]] was the era of Prokrovsky, roughly in the first thirty years of our century. Characteristically, M. N. Pokrovsky, in his 600-page ''Russian History in a Most Condensed Form'', devoted not quite a paragraph to the [[w:Christianization of Russia|Christianization of Russia]], without even giving the date. According to him: <br> The higher classes... contemptuous of the old [[w:Slavic paganism|Slavonic religious rituals]] and Slavonic shamans...began to acquire, along with [[Greek]] silk cloth and jewels, also Greek rituals and Greek shamans, i.e. priests. <br> The rehabilitation of the conversion of Russia as a cultural event in the official soviet historiography came in 1937 when the historian S. Bakhrushin condemned not only Pokrovsoky but also the whole historiographic school of economic materialism, including the official Soviet church historians N. M. Nikol'sky, N. A. Rozkohov and others, for failing to see the positive cultural contribution of Christianity to Russia, owing to their 'non Marxist' primitively materialistic dogmatism Deservedly he accuses them of a nihilistic attitude to culture and to the role of the Church in history and national life. to satisfy the [[Marxists]], he first enumerates the material benefits that came from the adoption of [[Christianity]] from [[Byzantium]]. For instance the fasts that came along with the Church necessitated the introduction into and cultivation in Russia of all sorts of vegetables from [[Greece]], including [[w:Cucumber|cucumbers]], [[w:Melon|melons]], [[w:Beetroot|beetroot]], [[w:Beans|beans]]. Such arts and crafts as [[masonry]], making of [[bricks]], [[cement]], [[architecture,]] to name but a few, likewise came from Byzantium; not to mention visual art ([[iconography]]) and [[literature]]. ** [https://www.palgrave.com/gp/book/9780333446744 ''Vol 2: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "Persecutions, 1921–41", pp. 48-49. * Religious belief and the Churches have survived in the [[Soviet Union]] in the face of almost seventy years of continuous persecution, unprecedented in history in intensity, although varying in degree and thrust, depending on the external and internal circumstances. According to approximate calculations, given in our book on the history of the Russian Orthodox Church under the Soviets, the toll of Orthodox clergy has been in the region of 40 000 priests, probably as many monks and nuns, and incalculable millions of lay believers. The number of functioning Orthodox churches has been reduced from over 60 000 (this includes parish and monastic churches and institutional chapels) before the revolution to less than 7000 in the late 1970s. ** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/History_Of_Soviet_Atheism_In_Theory_And/awiwCwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover ''Vol 3: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "General Introduction", p. ix. * In contrast to the multireligious scene in [[North America]] and to the supranational character of the Roman Church in the traditionally Roman Catholic nations of [[w:Western Europe|western Europe]], Orthodoxy (using the vernacular and possessing no extra-territorial centralized Church administration) is not only a religion but a way of life, the very cultural matrix of the daily life in the countries where it has become the national Church. [[Russian]] [[literature]], [[art]], folk traditions, habits (where they survive) and attitudes have been formed or at least saturated by Orthodoxy from within. Therefore, the [[atheistic]] revolt of [[Marxist]] [[Bolshevism]] had to match Orthodoxy in its totality in order to crush it as the national way of life. Being only institutionally and ideologically antireligious as is Marxism in most other [[Eastern Europe|East European]] states, to allow a broader scope of religious toleration than in the [[USSR]] (in all cases except [[Albania]]) would not be effective. The attack had to be so total as to shatter the entire national culture in all its aspects. Hence the attempts of contemporary Russian nationalists to reconstruct Russian [[culture]], Russian [[art]], [[literature]], inevitably brings a revival of Orthodoxy, of elements of Orthodox culture. That is why Orthodoxy is so essential to any study of [[w:Russian nationalism|Russian nationalism]]. ** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/History_Of_Soviet_Atheism_In_Theory_And/awiwCwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover ''Vol 3: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "General introduction", pp. xiv-xv. === About the [[2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]] === * The Church and the State leadership in Russia cooperated in the [[War of aggression|crime of aggression]], and share the responsibility for the resulting crimes, like the shocking abduction of [[Ukraine|Ukrainian]] children. They have provoked enormous suffering not only to the [[Ukraine|Ukrainian]] people, but also to the [[Russians]], who count more than 100,000 casualties, and the responsibility for terrible atrocities. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I, quoted in [https://euromaidanpress.com/2023/03/23/russian-orthodox-church-shares-responsibility-for-russias-aggression-ecumenical-patriarch/ "Russian Orthodox Church shares responsibility for Russia’s aggression – Ecumenical Patriarch"], Euromaidan Press, 23 March 2023 == See also == * [[Christianity]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} [[Category:Eastern Orthodoxy]] papd4qsregbsix21noplukn8g1hvbcd 3944623 3944614 2026-05-23T21:56:32Z GrimRob 1187925 /* External links */ 3944623 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Agia%20Triada%20Greek%20Orthodox%20Churchi%20%C4%B0stanbul-3.jpg|thumb]] The '''[[w:Eastern Orthodox Church|Eastern Orthodox Church]]''', is the second-largest [[Christianity|Christian]] Christian Church and one of the oldest extant religious institutions in the world. The Eastern Orthodox Church teaches that it is the [[w:Four Marks of the Church|One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church]] established by [[w:Jesus in Christianity|Jesus Christ]] in his [[w:Great Commission|Great Commission]] to the apostles. It practices what it understands to be the [[w:One true church|original Christian faith]] and maintains the [[w:sacred tradition|sacred tradition]] passed down from the [[apostles]], with the [[w:Patriarch of Constantinople|Patriarch of Constantinople]], the [[w:apostlic succession|apostlic successor]] of [[w:Andrew the Apostle|Andrew the Apostle]]. == Quotes== * The [[Catholic Church|Western Church]], from the tenth century downwards, has privily brought into herself through the [[w:Papacy|papacy]] various and strange and [[Heresy|heretical]] doctrines and innovations, and so she has been torn away and removed far from the true and orthodox Church of Christ. How necessary, then, it is for you to come back and return to the ancient and unadulterated doctrines of the Church in order to attain the [[salvation]] in [[Christ]] after which you press. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Anthimos (Synodal reply to the Encyclical of Pope Leo XIII, 1895). * The Orthodox Church does not have a centralized authority or leadership, instead comprising a constellation of independent and equal national churches, among which the Ecumenical Patriarch is historically and traditionally honored as 'first among equals.' In this regard, the ecumenical Patriarchate bears a primacy of honor and service; its authority lies not in administration but in coordination. Therefore, it serves as the primary focal point of unity, fostering consensus among the various Orthodox churches. In addition to the responsibility of facilitating Orthodox unity, the Ecumenical Patriarch has immediate jurisdiction over the Greek, Ukrainian, Carpatho-Russian, and Albanian Orthodox churches in the [[United States]] and [[Canada]] as well as all Greek Orthodox churches in [[Europe]], [[w:South_America|South America]], [[w:Australasia|Australasia]], and the areas of [[Greece]] freed from [[Ottoman Empire|Turkish occupation]] after the [[w:Balkan_wars|Balkan wars]], including [[w:Crete|Crete]] and [[Macedonia (Greece)|Macedonia]]. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew, Archbiship of Constantiople, Encountering the Mystery: Understanding Orthodox Christianity Today, The Doubleday Religious Publishing Group: New York, 2008, p. 34. *From the [[Russian Revolution|outset in 1917]], the [[Communism|Communists]] believed in a [[Utopia|utopian]] ideology, extreme, organised [[violence]], [[atheism]], a redefined place of the individual that served to reject [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]] precepts, and the rejection of preceding [[Russian history]]. During the [[Russian Civil War|Civil War]] and the 1920s, the Orthodox Church was crushed, with the slaughter of tens of thousands of [[Priest|priests]] and [[monks]], and the desecration and destruction of [[Church|churches]], [[monasteries]] and the tombs of [[saints]]. The real and spiritual landscapes of [[Russia]] and the psychological life of the people were transformed as a consequence. Communism in its own way therefore constituted a major civilisational challenge to the notion in [[Europe]] and [[North America]] of a ‘Western Civilisation’, whether or not articulated explicitly in this fashion. This civilisation owed much to [[Christianity]] and placed considerable weight on [[liberalism]] and [[Tolerance|toleration]]. From this perspective, Communism, drawing both on a reconceptualisation of Russian [[authoritarianism]] and on a new, [[Totalitarianism|totalitarian]] ideology and practice, posed a counter-civilisational challenge with its own precepts, aims, methods and anticipated outcomes. The chiliastic significance of Communist aspirations deserve emphasis. This significance was also to be seen in subsequent [[Communist revolutions]]. Moreover, aside from its hostility to the peace settlements following both [[World War I|World War One]] and the Russian Civil War, the very assumptions and core policies of the [[Soviet Union]] posed a major and continuing challenge to the [[International relations|international system]]. This was more serious, because the successor states established in [[East/Central Europe|Eastern Europe]] after [[World War I|World War One]] were relatively weak as well as divided by territorial aspirations. This created a volatile situation that was open to exploitation by [[War of aggression|aggressive]] states. **[[Jeremy Black (historian)|Jeremy Black]], ''The Cold War: A Military History'' (2015) * On the eve of the [[Russian Revolution|Bolshevik coup d'état]], the Orthodox Church claimed a hundred million adherents, two hundred thousand [[Priest|priests]] and [[Monasticism|monks]], seventy-five thousand churches and chapels, over eleven hundred monasteries, thirty-seven thousand primary schools, fifty-seven seminaries and four university-level academies, not to speak of thousands of hospitals, old people’s homes and orphanages. Within a few years, the intuitional structures were swept away, the churches were desolated, vandalized or put to secular use. Many of the clergy were imprisoned or shot; appropriately enough the first [[concentration camp]] of the gulag was opened in a monastery in [[Siberia|Artic regions]]. ** [[Michael Burleigh]], ''Sacred Causes: The Clash of Religion and Politics, From the Great War to the War on Terror'' (2006), p. 40 * [[Russians]] should realize that they are Orthodox in the first place; Russians in the second place; and only in the third place, [[Human|people]]. ** [[Aleksandr Dugin]], ''[[wikipedia:Foundations of Geopolitics|The Foundations of Geopolitics: The Geopolitical Future of Russia]]'' (1997), Russia: Arktogeja, p. 255, as quoted in [https://web.archive.org/web/20160607175004/https://www2.gwu.edu/~ieresgwu/assets/docs/demokratizatsiya%20archive/GWASHU_DEMO_12_1/John%20Dunlop%20Aleksandr%20Dugin's%20Foundations%20of%20Geopolitics.pdf "Aleksandr Dugin's Foundations of Geopolitics"] (31 January 2004), by John B. Dunlop, ''Demokratizatsiya'', Chapter: The Gorbachev Debacle * [[Ottoman Greece|The present Condition of this Nation]] is so miserable, and so apt to produce all the most tender Motions of Compassion in those who seriously reflect upon it, that 'twou'd be needless to heighten the Gloominess of the Prospect by comparing it with their former [[Glory]], which after a long and fatal Eclipse, was restor'd to its ancient Splendor by ''[[Constantine the Great]]'', whose [[Memory]] will last till the final Period of the World. But the [[Byzantine Empire|Empire of the ''East'']], which he founded, and united to [[Roman Empire|that of the ''West'']], was divided again after his [[Death]], and continu'd in a declining Condition till the final Overthrow of the ''Palaeologi'' by the ''[[Turks]]'', in the Fifteenth Age; since which time the ''[[Greeks]]'' have still been [[Slavery|Slaves]] in a Country of which they were formerly [[Sovereign state|Sovereigns]]; and to redeem themselves from the Yoak under which they are born, they are forc'd to pay a yearly Tribute, call'd the ''Carache'', which is only impos'd upon them, and their Fellow-Slaves the ''[[Jews]]''. The ''Carache'' is a perpetual Poll-Tax, and exceeds not four ''Piasters'' a Man; and yet since 'tis a Mark of their Bondage, they have left no Means unessay'd to deliver themselves from it, and have even offer'd to raise more considerable Summs another way. Besides, there are oftentimes large ''Avanies'' impos'd upon 'em, which they levy among themselves, according to the proportion of their Estates. All their Patriarchs, Bishops, and Abbots are also oblig'd to pay for their Patents; and the Prices that are exacted of 'em cannot but amount to a very considerable Summ, since there are above five Thousand Arch-Bishops and Bishops in the [[Ottoman Empire|''Turkish'' Empire]], who, reckoning one with another, pay above two Thousand ''Piasters'' a-piece, as a Fine to the ''Grand Signior''. The ''[[Greeks]]'' are naturally Proud, and lovers of Pomp and Magnificence: Most of 'em spend higher than their Estates will bear, and are very fond of the Title of ''Chelety'' or ''Lord''. Yet even the richest of 'em, of which there is a considerable Number, are look'd upon as Objects of Scorn and Contempt by the ''[[Turks]]''. 'Tis true, they are not insensible of their Slavery, and perhaps wou'd willingly shake off the insupportable Yoak of their Domineering Masters; but the Natural Impatience of their Temper is more than sufficiently curb'd by their Weakness, and want of [[Power]]; and they must e'en content themselves with repining in secret at the resistless Tyranny of their Oppressors: For they are seldom or never able to obtain Satisfaction for the Injuries they receive from the ''Turks'', if the Offenders are not wholly destitute both of Friends and Money. ** [[wikipedia:Jean Dumont (publicist)|Jean Dumont]], [https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/a36827.0001.001/1:7.11?view=toc ''A New Voyage to the Levant''] (English translation, 1696), Letter XXII * The East is unfamiliar with those confessions, memoirs, and autobiographies so beloved in the West. There is a clear difference in tonality. One's gaze never lingers on the suffering humanity of [[Christ]], but penetrates behind the kenotic veil. To the West's mysticism of the [[Cross]] and its veneration of the [[w:Sacred_Heart|Sacred Heart]] corresponds the eastern mysticism of the sealed tomb, from which eternal life eternal wells up. ** Paul Evdokimov, ''Orthodoxy'', 1968. * The Orthodox Church then, is guardian of [[Holy Scripture]], but she is also the protector of the Tradition in which [[the Bible]]’s teachings are maintained and promulgated. She is the repository of all Scriptural truth. In short, Orthodoxy sees the Christian Faith as composed of Holy Scripture, the teachings of the Fathers, the liturgy of the Church throughout the centuries, the Creeds of the Church, and the Holy Mysteries. Orthodox Christians believe that Almighty God has revealed Himself in these many wondrous ways, and has enriched the life of His people in doing so! ** Fr. George Grube, ''The Orthodox Church A to Z'', [http://www.light-n-life.com Light and Life Publishing], (2012-08-19). * [[Marriage|Marriages]] are not permitted on the eves of [[Wednesday|Wednesdays]] and [[Friday|Fridays]]. During the Great Fast from Dairy Sunday up to the first Tuesday after Pascha. During the Falling Asleep of the Theotokos Fast, which consists of a two week period from August 1-15. During the [[Apostles|Holy Apostles]]’ Fast: Monday after All Saints to June 28. During the [[w:Advent|Nativity Advent]], the period before [[w:Nativity|Christ’s Birth]]. On Saturday, on the eves of the Twelve Great Feasts, on the day before the Feast of the Beheading of [[John the Baptist]], (August 29th), and the day before the Exaltation of the Cross (Sept. 14th). ** Fr. George Grube, ''The Orthodox Church A to Z'', [http://www.light-n-life.com Light and Life Publishing], (2012-08-19). * A [[Christianity]] split into a diversity of ecclesiastical streams, the dualism implicit within its political agenda – nation-forming on the one side, universalism on the other was further accentuated. The classical eastern orthodox form stressing the power of the emperor was in principle [[Universalism|universalist]] enough in its vision of [[Constantinople]] as the New Rome, but in practice Byzantium became a rather thoroughly Greek empire, then among non-Greeks in [[Egypt]], [[Syria]] or the west. This combined with its considerable degree of [[wikipedia:Caesaropapism|Caesaropapism]] led to the generation of a type of [[Separation of church and state|church-state relationship]] characteristic of eastern autocephalous churches of a highly [[Nationalism|nationalist]] type. ** {{cite book|author=[[Adrian Hastings]]|title=The construction of nationhood: ethnicity, religion, and nationalism|publisher=Cambridge University Press|location=Cambridge, UK|year=1997|pages=202|isbn=0-521-62544-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * As sons and daughters of the Russian Orthodox Church, we are all citizens of Holy Russia. When we speak of Holy Russia, we are not talking about the Russian Federation or any [[civil society]] on earth; rather, it is a way of life that has been passed down to us through the centuries by such great saints of the Russian Land as the Holy [[w:Great_Prince_Vladimir|Great Prince Vladimir]] and [[w:Great_Princess_Olga|Great Princess Olga]], Venerable [[w:Sergius_of_Radonezh|Sergius of Radonezh]], [[w:Job_of_Pochaev|Job of Pochaev]], [[Seraphim of Sarov]], and more recently, the countless New [[Martyrdom|Martyrs]] and Confessors of the [[20th century]]. These saints are our ancestors, and we must look to them for instruction on how to bravely confess the Faith, even when facing [[persecution]]. There is no achievement in simply calling oneself "Russian:" in order to be a genuine Russian, one must first become Orthodox and live a life in the Church, as did our forebears, the founders of Holy Russia! ** [[wikipedia:Hilarion (Kapral)|Metropolitan Hilarion]] of the [[wikipedia:ROCOR|Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia]], ''[http://www.synod.com/synod/eng2013/20130619_enmhappeal1025.html Appeal by Metropolitan Hilarion on the celebration of the 1,025th anniversary of the Baptism of Rus]'' (19 June 2013) * My quarrel with [[Noam Chomsky|Chomsky]] goes back to the [[Yugoslav Wars|Balkan wars]] of the 1990s, where he more or less openly represented the "[[wikipedia:Socialist_Party_of_Serbia|Serbian Socialist Party]]" (actually the [[National Socialist|national-socialist]] and [[w:Expansionism|expansionist]] [[dictatorship]] of [[Slobodan Milošević|Slobodan Milosevic]]) as the victim. Many of us are proud of having helped organize to prevent the slaughter and deportation of [[Bosniaks|Europe's oldest and largest and most tolerant Muslim minority]], in [[Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bosnia-Herzegovina]] and in [[Kosovo]]. But at that time, when they were real, Chomsky wasn't apparently interested in [[Muslim]] grievances. He only became a voice for that when the [[Taliban]] and [[Al-Qaeda|Al Qaeda]] needed to be represented in their turn as the victims of a "silent genocide" in [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|Afghanistan]]. Let me put it like this, if a supposed scholar takes the [[Christianity|Christian]]-Orthodox side when it is the [[War of aggression|aggressor]], and then switches to taking the "Muslim" side when Muslims commit [[mass murder]], I think that there is something very nasty going on. And yes, I don't think it is exaggerated to describe that nastiness as "[[Anti-Americanism|anti-American]]" when the power that stops and punishes both aggressions is the [[United States]] … In some awful way, his regard for the underdog has mutated into support for mad dogs. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], [http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/Read.aspx?GUID=C78DC231-4599-4745-9CA5-A398398916A0 "Love, Poverty and War"], ''FrontPageMagazine.com'' ([[2004-12-29]]): On [[Noam Chomsky]] * The 2014 “[[constitution]]” of the “[Donetsk People’s Republic]” – we refer here to [https://www.worldstatesmen.org/Donetsk-cons14.docx the original 2014 version]; it has been amended in [https://russian.rt.com/article/32204 subsequent published versions], probably also for [[propaganda]] purposes – [is the first [[Constitutions|constitution]]] in the world that makes fighting “[[Cult|cults]]” a constitutional principle. Article 21 of the 2014 “constitution” called for “the implementation of policies to protect the public from the activities of religious cults” (I explained at length in Bitter Winter why “секта” in Russian and similar words in other languages should be translated as “cult” and not as “sect.”) …What is happening in the pseudo-“Donetsk People’s Republic” and “Luhansk People’s Republic” is a perfect representation of the dystopic Orthodox theocracy Putin’s ideologists have in mind for a “Russian World” whose borders they continuously expand. ** [[Massimo Introvigne]], [https://bitterwinter.org/donetsk-and-luhansk-denying-religious-liberty/ "Donetsk and Luhansk: Pseudo-States Denying Religious Liberty"], ''Bitter Winter'' (February 23, 2022) * [[Yugoslavia]] resembled [[wikipedia:Czechoslovakia|Czechoslovakia]] in that it was a miniature [[empire]] run by [[Serbs]], and with considerably more brutality than the [[wikipedia:Czechs|Czechs]] ran theirs. In parts of it there had been continuous fighting since 1912, and the frontiers were not settled (if that is the word) until 1926. The Orthodox Serbs ran the [[Military|army]] and the [[Public administration|administration]], but the [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] [[wikipedia:Croatia|Croats]] and [[wikipedia:Slovenia|Slovenes]], who had much higher [[Culture|cultural]] and [[Economics|economic]] standards, talked of their duty to '[[Europe|Europeanize]] the [[Balkans]]' (i.e. the Serbs) and their fears that they themselves would be 'Balkanized.' [[wikipedia:R.W. Seton-Watson|R.W. Seton-Watson]], who had been instrumental in creating the new country, was soon disillusioned by the way the Serbs ran it: 'The situation in Jugoslavia,' he wrote in 1921, 'reduces me to despair.... I have no confidence in the new [[Constitutions|constitution]], with its absurd [[Centralisation|centralism]].' The Serb officials were worse than the Habsburgs, he complained, and Serb opposition more savage than [[Germans|German]]. 'My own inclination,' he wrote in 1928, '... is to leave the Serbs and Croats to stew in their own juice! I think they are both mad and cannot see beyond the ends of their noses.' Indeed, MPs had just been blazing away at each other with pistols in [[Parliamentary system|parliament]], the [[wikipedia:Croat Peasant Party|Croat Peasant Party]] leader, [[wikipedia:Stepan Radic|Stepan Radic]], being killed in the process. The country was held together, if at all, not so much by the Serb political police as by the smouldering hatred of its [[Italy|Italian]], [[Hungary|Hungarian]], [[Bulgaria|Bulgarian]], and [[Albania|Albanian]] neighbors, all of whom had grievances to settle. ** [[Paul Johnson]], ''Modern Times: The World from the Twenties to the Nineties'' (1991), ISBN 9780060168339 * Along with Moisiodax, Rigas Velestinlis (he too a Vlach), Nikolaos Zervoulis, Dimitrios Darvaris, Nikolaos Piccolos, and Arhanacios Vogoridis had all assimilated into [[Hellenism]] at the time. During much of the eighteenth and first half of the [[19th century|nineteenth centuries]], [[Hellenism]] served in the [[Balkans]] as an ecumenical cultural ideal, very much like the role it played in the eastern Mediterranean of the [[w:Hellenistic_period|Hellenistic period]] and of [[w:late_antiquity|late antiquity]]. Although not supported by [[military]] might as was the case in [[Alexander the Great|Alexander]]’s time, it attained enormous prestige. Indeed, Greek culture along with Orthodoxy and the [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman administration]] served as the three unifying forces in the [[Balkans]]. Hellenism expanded throughout the region because Greeks had dominated the four areas— [[religion]], [[economy]], [[Public administration|administration]], and [[intellectual]] life—that constituted the shared substratum of Balkan life (Tsourkas 1967: 212). Ethnic [[Greeks]] occupied positions of enormous prestige and influence in the Ottoman administration and served for decades as governors of [[Romania|Walachia and Moldavia]]. [[Greek language|Greek]] had become the language of commerce and Hellenism the secular culture of the Balkans (Camariano-Cioran 1974: 15, 311). The economic and political power of the Greeks enabled them to have more contacts with Westerners than their neighbours, which explains in part their earlier attempts at modernization. ** {{cite book|author=Gregory Jusdanis|title=The Necessary Nation|publisher=Princeton University Press|location=Princeton, N.J|year=2001|pages=122|isbn=0-691-08902-7|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * This 'heroic' aspect of the [[World War II|Partisan struggle]], deeply inspiring to scholars-turned-soldiers like [[wikipedia:Sir William Deakin|Deakin]], reads well on the page. But in practice of waging a politico-military campaign over the length and breadth of Yugoslavia brought untold suffering to its peoples. Their history was already one of bitter and violent rivalry, which the war had reawoken. In the north [[wikipedia:Independent State of Croatia|leaders of the Catholic Croats]] had taken advantage of [[Italy|Italian]] sponsorship to unleash a [[wikipedia:Genocide of Serbs in the Independent State of Croatia|campaign of expulsion, forced conversion, and extermination against the Orthodox Serbs]]. [[Bosniaks|Muslims]] in [[Bosnia and Herzegovina|Bosnia-Herzegovina]] took a hand in the civil war also, while in the south the [[Serbs]] of [[Kosovo]] were attacked by their Albanian neighbors. The [[wikipedia:Chetniks|Chetniks]], for their part, contested authority in the [[Serbia|Serb lands]] with the Partisans, with whom they had failed to agree a join strategy, but did not open war with the [[Nazi Germany|German occupiers]] lest that provoke reprisals. [[Josip Broz Tito|Tito]] hardened his heart against reprisals; indeed, he saw [[wikipedia:Axis powers|Axis]] atrocities as a spur to recruitment. He deliberately drew the [[Germans]] after him in seven so-called 'offensives' that left the [[countryside]] through which his Partisans marched a wasteland. The villagers had either to follow the Partisans 'into the woods' (a traditional description of the whereabouts of [[Resistance movement|resisters]] to the [[Turks]]) or stay and await reprisals. Kardelji, Tito's deputy, was emphatic about the desirability of confronting the uncommitted with such a dilemma: 'Some commanders are afraid of reprisals and that fear prevents the mobilisation of villages. I consider the reprisals will have the useful result of throwing Croatian villages on the side of Serb villages. In war we must not be frightened of the destruction of whole villages. Terror will bring about armed action.' Kardelji's analysis was correct. ** [[wikipedia:John Keegan|John Keegan]], ''A History of Warfare'' (1994), p. 52 *A further weakness was that despite certain borrowings from the West, Russia remained technologically backward and economically [[Underdeveloped countries|underdeveloped]]. Extremes of climate and the enormous distances and poor communications partly accounted for this, but so also did severe social defects: the military [[absolutism]] of the czars, the monopoly of [[education]] in the hands of the Orthodox Church, the venality and unpredictability of the [[bureaucracy]], and the institution of [[serfdom]], which made [[agriculture]] [[Feudalism|feudal]] and static. Yet despite this relative backwardness, and despite the setbacks, Russia continued to expand, imposing upon its new territories the same [[military]] force and [[Autocrats|autocratic]] rule which was used to command the obedience of the [[Moscow|Muscovites]]. Enough had been borrowed from Europe to give the regime the armed strength to preserve itself, while all possibility of western social and political “modernization” was firmly resisted; foreigners in Russia, for example, were segregated from the natives in order to prevent subversive influences. Unlike the other despotisms mentioned in this chapter, the empire of the czars would manage to survive and Russia would one day grow to be a world power. Yet in 1500, and even as late as 1650, this was scarcely obvious to many [[Frenchmen]], [[Dutchmen]], and [[Englishmen]], who probably knew as much about the [[Russians|Russian]] ruler as they did about the legendary [[Prester John]]. **[[w:Paul_Kennedy|Paul Kennedy]], ''The Rise and Fall of the Great Powers: Economic Change and Military Conflict from 1500-1900'' (1987) * The existence of [[Russia]] is of a great spiritual and cultural value – not only for you and me, but for all humanity. And we are calling for the preservation of the people of Russia, for the birth of our new compatriots, not only and not so much because these people are needed by the country, but also to a great extent because this country is needed by people. Russia must exist and play its irreplaceable role in our destiny with you, in the destiny of our descendants and throughout world history. The special value of Russia, its special vocation is to be a stronghold of Orthodox Christianity. To preserve the Orthodox faith, Orthodox tradition and culture, [[wikipedia:Christian_ethics|Christian moral principles]] intact. Maybe that is why the powers that be are so ganged up on the [[wikipedia:Russian_Orthodox_Church|Russian Orthodox Church]], wanting to tear away the Greek Orthodox world from the Russian Church, wanting to destroy the unity of the Orthodox Church. We possess reliable information that everything that is happening now in world Orthodoxy is not an accident, not just the whim of a religious figure whose mind has become clouded. This is the implementation of a very specific plan that aims to tear the Greek world away from Russia. According to the perpetrators — I cannot describe these strategists in any other way — the Russian Church appears to be some kind of “soft power”, through which Russia influences the world around it. But '''why can’t Russia share its spiritual gifts?''' Is it criminal? This can be criminal only in the view of those who seek to weaken, and if possible to destroy the influence of Russia. In this whole story related to the problem of recognition or non-recognition of [[Ukrainian]] schismatics by the Local Orthodox Churches, there is something that is not declared, but which is the main goal of the forces behind the scenes that unleashed this schismatic activity. We in the Russian Church understand this clearly, but today our brothers in [[Greece]] and other Orthodox Churches also understand this. We are being asked to resist, not to flinch, to continue the struggle to maintain the spiritual independence of the Russian Orthodox Church from all these centres of world influence, and most importantly – to maintain the unity of Universal Orthodoxy. This is not a simple task. The Church has no army. The Church has no material means. So it is not easy without material means to build the spiritual defense. ** [[Patriarch Kirill of Moscow]], Primate of the Russian Orthodox Church. [https://orthochristian.com/125041.html 18th Sunday after Pentecost, 20 October 2019]. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVTvJXroA0g Video] * So there is no single European people. There is no single all-embracing community of culture and tradition among, say, [[Warsaw]], [[Amsterdam]], [[Berlin]] and [[Belgrade]]. In fact, there are at least four communities: the Northern [[Protestantism|Protestant]], the [[Latin]] [[Catholic Church|Catholic]], the [[Greeks|Greek]] Orthodox, and the [[Muslim]] [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman]]. There is no single [[language]] - there are more than twenty. (...) There are no real European [[political parties]] (...). And most significantly of all: unlike the [[United States]], Europe still does not have a common story. ** [[Geert Mak]], [http://www.eurocult.org/uploads/docs/712.pdf Europe as a cultural project], 2005 *To the [[Russians|Russian]], indeed to any member of the Orthodox church, the priest is not the teacher and guide in matters of [[religion]], but is above all the miracle-worker, the [[magician]]. The Russian looks upon his priest as a live "good conductor" of divine [[grace]], as a passive mediator. The Russian is a consistent passivist. [[Salvation]] comes to man without his personal collaboration, and even the [[priest]] plays no individual part here. This is why in [[Russia]] (as in the east) the [[Monasticism|monk]] is held in much higher esteem than the ordinary priest. ** {{citation |title=The Spirit of Russia |volume = II |year=1919 |first=Thomas |last=Garrigue Masaryk |author-link=Tomáš Garrigue Masaryk | translator-last =Paul | translator-first =Eden | translator2-last =Paul | translator2-first =Cedar | pages=490 |url= }} * The sheer scale of [[United States|America]] in the 1920s was impressive, and its variety was downright astonishing. The nation’s population had nearly doubled since 1890, when it had numbered just sixty-three million souls. At least a third of the increase was due to a huge surge of immigrants. Most of them had journeyed to America from the religiously and culturally exotic regions of southern and eastern Europe. Through the great hall in the immigrant receiving center on [[New York City|New York]]’s [[wikipedia:Ellis_Island|Ellis Island]], opened in 1892, streamed in the next three decades almost four million [[Italians|Italian]] [[Catholic Church|Catholics]]; half a million Orthodox [[Greeks]]; half a million Catholic [[Hungarian|Hungarians]]; nearly a million and a half Catholic [[Poland|Poles]]; more than two million [[Judaism|Jews]], largely from [[Russia|Russian]]-controlled [[Poland]], [[Ukraine]], and [[Lithuania]]; half a million Slovaks, mostly Catholic; millions of other eastern Slavs from [[Byelorussia]], [[wikipedia:Ruthenia|Ruthenia]], and [[Russia]], mostly Orthodox; more millions of southern Slavs, a mix of Catholic, Orthodox, [[Muslim]], and Jew, from [[Romania|Rumania]], [[Croatia]], [[Serbia]], [[Bulgaria]], and [[Montenegrins|Montenegro]]. The waves of arrivals after the turn of the century were so enormous that of the 123 million Americans recorded in the census of 1930, one in ten was [[Immigration to the United States|foreign born]], and an additional 20 percent had at least one parent born abroad. ** [[wikipedia:David_M._Kennedy|David M. Kennedy]], ''Freedom from Fear: The American People in Depression and War 1929-1945'' (1999), ISBN 0-19-503834-7, p. 13-14 * The [[Soviet Union]] was the first state to have as an ideological objective the elimination of religion. Toward that end, the [[Communism|Communist]] regime confiscated church property, [[Marxism and religion|ridiculed religion]], harassed believers, and propagated atheism in the schools. Actions toward particular religions, however, were determined by State interests, and most organized religions were never outlawed. <br> The main target of the anti-religious campaign in the 1920s and 1930s was the Russian Orthodox Church, which had the largest number of faithful. Nearly all of its clergy, and many of its believers, were shot or sent to [[Concentration camp|labor camps]]. Theological schools were closed, and church publications were prohibited. By 1939 only about 500 of over 50,000 churches remained open. <br> After [[Nazi Germany]]'s [[World War II|attack on the Soviet Union in 1941]], [[Joseph Stalin]] revived the Russian Orthodox Church to intensify patriotic support for the war effort. By 1957 about 22,000 Russian Orthodox churches had become active. But in 1959 [[Nikita Khrushchev]] initiated his own campaign against the Russian Orthodox Church and forced the closure of about 12,000 churches. By 1985 fewer than 7,000 churches remained active. Members of the church hierarchy were jailed or forced out, their places taken by docile clergy, many of whom had ties with the [[KGB]]. ** Library of Congress, [https://www.loc.gov/exhibits/archives/anti.html “Revelations from the Russian Archives”], “ANTI-RELIGIOUS CAMPAIGNS”, (August 31, 2016). * Yugoslavia was itself the flawed creation of the ruin of empires in 1918, dominated until the Second World War by the [[Serbs|Serbian]] monarchy yet comprising [[Muslim]] [[Bosniaks|Bosnians]] and Kosovan Albanians, Orthodox Montenegrins and Serbs, and [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] Croats. Out of the brutal ethnic slaughters of the two world wars, the long-serving [[Dictatorship|dictator]] Marshal Josip Tito, whose Partisans had liberated Yugoslavia from Nazi occupation, had created a strong regime, using his own charismatic personality and, less well-known, [[Terrorism|terror]], [[secret police]] and [[Concentration camp|concentration camps]]. Yet Tito controlled the deadly ethnic feuds of the [[Balkans]] and gave his peoples almost 30 years of [[peace]] and order. But the revolving presidency implemented after his death in 1980 left a stewing ethnic cauldron lacking a strong hand to control it. [[Slobodan Milošević|Milošević]] filled this vacuum with his death squads, condottiere and psychopathic warlords, coordinated and financed at his personal command. ** [[wikipedia:Simon_Sebag_Montefiore|Simon Sebag Montefiore]], ''Monsters: HIstory's Most Evil Men and Women'' (2009), p. 361 * You know, as I already mentioned, in 988 [[wikipedia:Vladimir_the_Great|Prince Vladimir]] himself was baptized following the example of his grandmother, [[wikipedia:Olga_of_Kiev|Princess Olga]], and then he baptized his retinue, and then gradually, over the course of several years, he baptized all Rus. It was a lengthy process – from [[Paganism|pagans]] to Christians, it took many years. But in the end, this Orthodoxy, Eastern Christianity, deeply rooted itself in the consciousness of the Russian people. When Russia expanded and absorbed other nations who profess [[Islam]], [[Buddhism]] and [[Judaism]], Russia has always been very loyal to those people who profess other religions. This is its strength. This is absolutely clear. And the fact is that the main postulates, main values are very similar, not to say the same, in all world religions I’ve just mentioned and which are the traditional religions of the Russian Federation, Russia. By the way, [[Government of Russia|Russian authorities]] were always very careful about the [[culture]] and [[religion]] of those peoples who came to join the Russian Empire. This, in my opinion, forms the basis of both [[security]] and stability of the Russian statehood – all the peoples inhabiting Russia basically consider it their Motherland. ** [[Vladimir Putin]], [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/73411 Interview to Tucker Carlson], 9 February 2024 * In antiquity, the power of Greek cities was manifested by their ability to found far—off, independent [[Colony|colonies]], where the cities and colonies were connected more by [[language]], [[culture]], and [[history]] than by law or a hierarchical relationship. This is what the [[France|French]] [[Geography|geographer]] Georges Prévélakis calls a “galactic” organization, as opposed to a “dendritic” organization based on the relation between a centre and its periphery. The spread of Roman power—first by the republic, then the empire—over the entire Mediterranean did not cause Hellenism to disappear as a cultural unity. After the empire split in two in 395, Hellenism actually blossomed in the Eastern Roman (Byzantine) Empire, where it became the principal cultural component, especially in the religious domain: The Great Schism of 1054 divided [[Catholic Church|Roman Catholics]] from the Greek Orthodox. Even political power became Hellenized. The seizure of Constantinople by the Ottomans in 1453 ended the Byzantine Empire, but Hellenism survived in the Ottoman Empire. Along with the [[Judaism|Jews]] and the [[wikipedia:Armenian_Apostolic_Church|Armenian Apostolic Church]], the Orthodox Church was allowed to establish an autonomous religious community, called milliet, that was responsible for the allocation and collection of taxes and for such matters as [[marriage]], [[divorce]], and [[inheritance]]. With the development of the Mediterranean trading system in the sixteenth century, Greek communities appeared outside the empire, including [[western Europe]] ([[wikipedia:Livorno|Livorno]] and [[Venice]]) and [[Russia]]. Contact with [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]] [[philosophy]] and the [[French Revolution|ideas of 1789]] fed the aspiration for a Greek state. This was created in 1830, founded on the ambition of restoring Greater Greece by recovering the Ottoman territories of [[Asia Minor]]. That hope collapsed in 1922-23 with the end of the [[wikipedia:Greco-Turkish_War|Greco-Turkish war]] and the territorial agreement between the two countries. ** {{cite book|author=William Rodarmor; Stephane Dufoix|title=Diasporas|publisher=University of California Press|location=Berkeley|year=2008|pages=39|isbn=0-520-25359-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * First, [[Greece]]: for modern Greeks, as I intimated, the future could mirror ‘the past’ past’ in more than one way, since there was a clear split in that past. One school argued for the Byzantine roots and glory of Greece. They pointed to the massive influx of [[wikipedia:Slavs|Slavic]] immigrants in the sixth and succeeding centuries throughout the [[Balkans]] and Greece, and claimed that this had weakened the links with a decayed Hellenic (or Hellenistic— Roman) culture. What was Byzantine was essentially Orthodox Christianity only the Greek language and liturgy retained any connection with a pre-Christian past. In the Orthodox millet of the [[Ottoman Empire|Ottoman empire]], [[Christianity]] had kept a Byzantine Greek ethnic alive, as in a chrysalis, ready to be transformed under the impact of Western ideas and commercialization in the late eighteenth century. For the Byzantine-Orthodox clergy and their flocks, for the notables in the Mores and Phanariots in [[Constantinople]], this grandiose dream of a restored [[Byzantine Empire|Byzantine empire]] under Greek control located the re-nascent Greek people and charted their future in the Aegean and Ionia. It also pointed the way to a restored [[agrarian]] society of [[Peasant|peasants]], [[Nobility|notables]] and [[clergy]], essentially smallholders, but led by educated Orthodox elites under the Patriarch. ** {{cite book|author=[[Anthony D. Smith]]|title=The ethnic origins of nations|publisher=B. Blackwell|location=Oxford|year=1987|pages=203|isbn=0-631-16169-4|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} * Greeks, Jews, and [[Armenians]] after their subordination to others and emigration or expulsion from their original homelands became Diaspora ethno-religious communities cultivating the particular virtues and aptitudes of their traditions. These included a respect for scholarship and learning, derived from constant study of sacred texts (and in the Greek case some of their ancient secular texts seen through religious filters); and hence a generally high status accorded to religious scholars and clergy within each enclave. Allied to this was a marked aptitude for literary expression—poetic, philosophical, legal, liturgical, linguistic, and historical. Greek Phanariot merchants and traders dominated the commerce of the Ottoman empire, utilizing their kinship networks and social and religious institutions to maximize not only their business and assets, but also their cultural capital. Diaspora Greeks became especially prominent from the eighteenth century in the development of printing and the press, and experienced a major intellectual revival in cities as far afield as [[Vienna]], [[Venice]], [[wikipedia:Odessa|Odessa]], [[Paris]], and [[Amsterdam]] ** {{cite book|author=[[Anthony D. Smith]]|title=Myths and memories of the nation|publisher=Oxford University Press|location=Oxford [Oxfordshire]|year=1999|pages=212-215|isbn=0-19-829534-0|oclc=|doi=|accessdate=}} : Chapter: ''Greeks, Armenians and Jews'' * Orthodox churches were stripped of their valuables in 1922 at the instigation of [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]] and [[Leon Trotsky|Trotsky]]. In subsequent years, including both the [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] and the [[Nikita Khrushchev|Khrushchev]] periods, tens of thousands of churches were torn down or desecrated, leaving behind a disfigured wasteland that bore no resemblance to [[Russia]] such as it had stood for centuries. Entire districts and cities of half a million inhabitants were left without a single [[church]]. Our people were condemned to live in this dark and mute wilderness for decades, groping their way to [[God]] and keeping to this course by trial and error. The grip of oppression that we have lived under, and continue to live under, has been so great that religion, instead of leading to a free blossoming of the spirit, has been manifested in asserting the faith on the brink of destruction, or else on the seductive frontiers of [[Marxism|Marxist]] rhetoric, where so many souls have come to grief. ** [[Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn]], Templeton Address (1983) * Get ready for Russia to cast itself as the protector, not only of the [[wikipedia:Alawite|Alawites]] but also of other minorities such as [[wikipedia:Turcoman|Turcoman]], [[Armenians]] and, more interestingly for [[Moscow]], Orthodox Christians who have fled [[Islamic terrorism|Islamist terror]] groups such as [[Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIS]]. Russia has always seen itself as the “Third Rome” and the last standard-bearer of [[Christianity]] against both [[Catholic Church|Catholic]] “deviation” and [[Islamism|Islamist]] menace. By controlling a new mini-state, as a “safe haven for minorities,” Russia could insist that if [[Syria]] returns to some normality it be reconstituted as a highly [[Decentralization|decentralized]] [[state]]. This is what [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] is also demanding in [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]] and [[Ukraine]]. The Syrian coast will become another [[Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Crimea]], if not completely annexed, at least [[Military occupation|occupied]]. Unless stopped, the Putin treatment will not end in [[Syrian civil war|Syria]]. The two next candidates could be [[w:Moldova|Moldova]] and [[Latvia]], both of which have large Russian-speaking minorities. ** [[Amir Taheri]], [http://nypost.com/2015/09/19/putin-is-turning-the-syrian-coast-into-another-crimea/ Putin is turning the Syrian coast into another Crimea], ''New York Post'' (September 19, 2015). * When received into the Orthodox Church, a convert promises, ‘I will accept and understand Holy Scripture in accordance with the interpretation which was and is held by the Holy Orthodox Catholic Church of the East, our Mother. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29. * The doctrinal definitions of an Ecumenical Council are infallible. Thus in the eyes of the Orthodox Church, the statements of faith put out by the seven councils possess, along with the Bible, an abiding and irrevocable authority. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29, p. 205. * Orthodox Canon Law, while permitting a second or even a third marriage, absolutely forbids a fourth. ** Timothy Ware, ''The Orthodox Church'' Penguin Books Ltd., 1993/04/29. p. 295. *The role of religion is important both on the [[United States|American]] and [[Russia|Russian]] side [of the [[Cold War]]]. While the position of organized faith was already in decline in [[Europe]] (and in many other places, too) by the end of the [[19th century|nineteenth century]], Russians and Americans still saw religion as has having a central place in their lives. In a certain sense, there were similarities between [[Evangelicalism in the United States|American Evangelical Protestantism]] and Russian Orthodoxy. Both emphasized [[teleology]] and certainty of [[faith]] above what was common in other Christian groups. Being unconcerned with concepts of [[original sin]], both believed in the perfectibility of [[society]]. Most importantly, both Evangelicals and Orthodox believed that their religion inspired their politics in a direct sense. They alone were set to fulfill [[God]]’s plan for and with man. **Odd Arne Westad, ''The Cold War: A World History'' (2017), p. 20 === “Orthodox Christian Bioethics: Medical Morality in the Mind of the Fathers” (2013) === <small> H. Trisram Engelhardt, Jr., “Orthodox Christian Bioethics: Medical Morality in the Mind of the Fathers”; in Mark Cherry; John F. Peppin (2013). [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Religious_Perspectives_on_Bioethics/21ZEAgAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1 ''Religious Perspectives in Bioethics'']. Taylor & Francis. ISBN 9781317762416. </small> * [[w:Western_world|Western]] [[Secularism|secular]] [[morality]] developed out a fragmented Western Christianity. Against a background of disunity and deep differences, it aspired to a rationally grounded universality. The fragmentation and diversity of [[w:Western_Christianity|Western Christianity]] invited a secular morality that could transcend the division within Western Christianity and compass all in a single, secular morality. Orthodox Christianity never experienced this fragmentation. Nor did it assume that secular moral reflection, which it experienced as primarily polytheistic, and therefore plural, could provide a unity superior to that available that is [[Asceticism|ascetic,]] experiential, liturgical, and noetic. ** pp.5-6 * Orthodox Christianity knows the moral life to be a whole, a way of life within which one can enter into union with God. Orthodox [[theology]], [[morality]], and [[bioethics]] serve to cure the soul of self-love. As a consequence, distinctions among dogmatic [[theology]], [[w:Moral_theology|moral theology]], and liturgical theology threaten to distort and disorient the live appreciation of theology as a practice transcending the confines of the academy and possessing a closer resemblance to a healing practice, albeit a special one aimed at bringing all into relationship with the truth Whom the Orthodox recognize to be personal, namely, the [[Trinity]] (Vlachos, 1994). Morality is recognized as a kind of therapeutic regiment for purifying the person, inviting illumination by God’s grace. As a consequence, the reader therefore must be warned: Orthodox Christianity does not offer a bioethics in the same way in which [[Secularism|secular]] and [[Catholic Church|Roman Catholic]] thought offers systematic reflections based on settled moral judgments elaborated philosophically towards the goal of developing ever clearer insights into the nature of [[morality]]. It contrasts as well with the bioethics of those Western mainline Christian bodies who have attempted in a progressive spirit to develop a moral theology adapted to the cultural concerns and demands of the contemporary age. <br> Orthodox Christian morality is a mode of reorienting persons away from themselves and toward God and their fellow-man, thus giving Orthodox bioethics a homiletic rather than a scholarly character. Sine theology ‘’par excellence’’ is directed to purification of the heart and illumination by God’s grace, all theological progress is personal, and the academic endeavors of Orthodox scholars at best clarify the use of terms and develop languages suitable for communicating reflections concerning the Church’s unbroken experience of a timeless truth; the Triune God. The academic endeavors of scholars to afford commentaries on the experience and teachings of the [[Church Fathers]] over the centuries. However, such scholarly analysis and commentary are always secondary in authority and importance to theology as an experience of god. Because of the non-developmental character of Orthodox Christian experience of God’s presence, the age of the Fathers has not ended for Orthodoxy, as it did for the West around the 8th century. Strictly speaking, the age of the Fathers is coterminous with the unbroken presence in the Church of the Holy Spirit. ** pp.21-22 * Orthodox Christian [[epistemology]] is at root noetic or mystical; it acknowledges that the only way beyond a confining finite horizon of experience and texts is via a transforming relation with the transcendent God. For this reason, the theologians ''par excellence'' need not be academics or even literate. As [[Evagrios the Solitary]] (A.D. 345-399) stresses, “if you are a [[Theology|theologian]], you will pray truly. And if you pray truly, you are a theologian” (Evagrios, 1988, p.62). <br> The result is not just that Orthodox Christianity rejects the discursive rational commitments of [[w:Scholasticism|Scholasticism]] and the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]]; it also breaks through the fragmentation of the moral [[pluralism]] defining [[Postmodernism|post-modernism]]. It reaches beyond the confines of particular narratives and texts, which are set within the horizon the finite and the immanent. For example, the Scriptures are neither revelation nor a set of writings relevantly to be reassessed through historical, text-critical, and higher-critical methods. Instead, the Scriptures are records of a revelation whose significance can only be correctly experienced within the grace of the Church which is the body of Christ: their meaning is acquired on the model of Christ’s unlocking the [[The Bible|Scriptures]] on the way to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-35). Within the privileged ascetic and liturgically directed epistemological standpoint of the Church, the writings she has accepted, affirmed, and interpreted become, like an icon, a window so that one can look through the text to God. ** I Before and Beyond the Scholastic-Enlightenment Project, p.22-23 * Orthodox Christianity acknowledges its moral truth as nested within a liturgical Now, a moral experience that has existed and been sustained in its fullness since the age of the Apostles. For Orthodox Christianity, its moral theological past is in the present so that Orthodox Christians turn seemingly indiscriminately for guidance to any of the Fathers of any century. This epistemological standpoint within which the past is experienced as “now” is captured in the practice of its liturgical appropriation of the past as present. For example, the Vespers of the Sunday of the Holy Fathers of the First six Ecumenical councils declares: “Those God-mantled Father have proclaimed today in concert …” (Nassar, 1979, p.558).Despite the circumstance that these councils occurred from the 4th to the 7th centuries, liturgically they are encountered as present. <br> The Orthodox Church does not deny terminological development. The Church acknowledges that distinctions, terminologies, and analyses of theological experience take shape within a history. Yet, since Orthodox theology is not primarily an academic discipline but an immediate experience of God, these analytic, conceptual, and academic developments do not constitute theological developments ‘’per se’’. Rather, they are temporally and historically located responses to heresies and articulations of answers to particular questions and puzzles. The contributions of the Fathers from the 3rd to the 8th centuries can be understood as playing a role distantly analogous to the age of the Fathers for the West: they are a rich resource of theological reflection and Scriptural exposition that records the commitments and life of the Church of the first part of the [[w:First_millennium|first millennium]] so that one must think, believe, and act in one with their mind. However, because of the non-developmental character of Orthodox Christianity, the age of the Fathers has not ended, for the same Spirit Who inspired the Gospels inspired the holy Fathers of the 21st century. ** “The Past in the Present Tense”, p.24 * The manner in which we [the Orthodox and the West] exist has become ontologically different … the Orthodox Christian does not live in a place of theological and conceptual conversations, but rather in a place of an essential and empirical lifestyle and reality as confirmed by grace in the heart [Heb 13:9]. This grace cannot be put in doubt either by [[logic]] or [[science]] or other type of argument … However, the change of man’s essence, theosis by grace, is a fact that is tangible for all the Orthodox faithful. [[Grace]] is not only obtained through the transformed relics of the saints which is totally inexplicable without acceptance of the divine. Grace also radiates from living Saints who are truly in the likeness of the Lord [Luke 8:46] (Patriarch Bartholomew, 1997). ** Nicea II, A.D. 787; as qtd in. “The Past in the Present Tense” p.24 * At one with [[Paul of Tarsus|St. Paul]] in his first chapter of the [[Epistle to the Romans|letter of the Romans]], Orthodox Christianity recognize that moral knowledge is fully and rightly disclosed only within a life marked by right worship. “therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the degrading of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a ie and worshiped the served the creature rather than the Creator, Who is blessed forever! Amen!”(Rom 1:24-25). It should not be surprising to find contemporary Orthodox Christian studies of bioethics developing their analyses in the light of the prayers and liturgies of the Church (Guroian, 1996). Although content for reflection is drawn from liturgical texts, Scripture, the Fathers, and holy Tradition, it is placed within a confident appreciation that the ultimate guide for human conduct is fully revealed in the Church, the Body of Christ in the Holy Spirit, and that “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Heb 13:8). In the [[English language]], a number of monographs have already been published embedded in this understanding of moral theology and bioethics (Breck, 1998; Engelhardt, 2000; Harakas, 1990). At one with the Fathers of the ancient Church and those of the 21st century numerous contemporary authors are attempting to state for the contemporary world the enduring significance of the human struggle to Godd and its implications for the proper use of [[medicine]] and the biomedical sciences. ** IV Bioethics as Theology: Theology as Worship, p.29 === "A History of Soviet Atheism in Theory, and Practice, and the Believer" (1987) === <small> Dimitry V. Pospielovsky, "A History of Soviet Atheism in Theory, and Practice, and the Believer", St Martin's Press, New York (1987) </small> * The beginning of the systematization and centralization of the Soviet antireligious propaganda should be attributed to the birth in 1919 of the first specialized antireligious monthly. ''The Revolution and the Church'' (Revolutsiiaitserkov', henceforth RiTs), published by the People's Commissariat of Justice, followed in 1922 by the short-lived ''Science and Religion'' (''Nauka i religiia'', henceforth ''NiR''), edited by the renigade priest Gorev-Galkin, and specializing in condemning the church for resisting the state confiscation of sacramental objects from churches, allegedly to alleviate the famine. It was replaced in the same year by ''Bezbozhnik'' (The Godless), a wide-circulation paper at first published thrice monthly, later becoming a weekly. <br> The contempt-and-hate campaign in the very first issues of ''RiTs'' attempted to represent the Church, the Orthodox Church in particular, as a fraud, and to sow division by singling out the Orthodox church for attack while presenting the [[Protestant]] sects (the Churches formerly oppressed by the tsars) as hard-working and loyal, and [[Muslim|Moslems]] as supporting the Soviets. <br> One of the first signs was the government decree of 1 March 1919 (reconfirmed in August 1920), regarding ''the complete liquidation of the cult of corpses and mummies'', ordering the opening-up and public exposure of the [[saints]]' [[relics]]. The Soviet media was particularly eager to present the relics of [[w:Sergius_of_Radonezh|St Sergius of Radonezh]] of the fourteenth century, Russia's most revered national saint, as fraudulent. It claimed that there was nothing but cotton-wool, hair, rotten bones and dust in this shrine. <br> Believers no longer weep, don't fall into fits of hysteria, and don't hold a grudge against the Soviet goernment anymore. They see there has been no [[blasphemy]]...Only an age-old fraud has been made naked in the eyes of the nation. ** [https://www.palgrave.com/gp/book/9780333446744 ''Vol 2: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "Contempt and Hate Propaganda, 1919–39", p. 19. * The era of consistent [[Marxism]] in [[Soviet]] [[philosophy]], [[w:Histiography|historiography]] and [[w:Religiology|religiology]] was the era of Prokrovsky, roughly in the first thirty years of our century. Characteristically, M. N. Pokrovsky, in his 600-page ''Russian History in a Most Condensed Form'', devoted not quite a paragraph to the [[w:Christianization of Russia|Christianization of Russia]], without even giving the date. According to him: <br> The higher classes... contemptuous of the old [[w:Slavic paganism|Slavonic religious rituals]] and Slavonic shamans...began to acquire, along with [[Greek]] silk cloth and jewels, also Greek rituals and Greek shamans, i.e. priests. <br> The rehabilitation of the conversion of Russia as a cultural event in the official soviet historiography came in 1937 when the historian S. Bakhrushin condemned not only Pokrovsoky but also the whole historiographic school of economic materialism, including the official Soviet church historians N. M. Nikol'sky, N. A. Rozkohov and others, for failing to see the positive cultural contribution of Christianity to Russia, owing to their 'non Marxist' primitively materialistic dogmatism Deservedly he accuses them of a nihilistic attitude to culture and to the role of the Church in history and national life. to satisfy the [[Marxists]], he first enumerates the material benefits that came from the adoption of [[Christianity]] from [[Byzantium]]. For instance the fasts that came along with the Church necessitated the introduction into and cultivation in Russia of all sorts of vegetables from [[Greece]], including [[w:Cucumber|cucumbers]], [[w:Melon|melons]], [[w:Beetroot|beetroot]], [[w:Beans|beans]]. Such arts and crafts as [[masonry]], making of [[bricks]], [[cement]], [[architecture,]] to name but a few, likewise came from Byzantium; not to mention visual art ([[iconography]]) and [[literature]]. ** [https://www.palgrave.com/gp/book/9780333446744 ''Vol 2: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "Persecutions, 1921–41", pp. 48-49. * Religious belief and the Churches have survived in the [[Soviet Union]] in the face of almost seventy years of continuous persecution, unprecedented in history in intensity, although varying in degree and thrust, depending on the external and internal circumstances. According to approximate calculations, given in our book on the history of the Russian Orthodox Church under the Soviets, the toll of Orthodox clergy has been in the region of 40 000 priests, probably as many monks and nuns, and incalculable millions of lay believers. The number of functioning Orthodox churches has been reduced from over 60 000 (this includes parish and monastic churches and institutional chapels) before the revolution to less than 7000 in the late 1970s. ** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/History_Of_Soviet_Atheism_In_Theory_And/awiwCwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover ''Vol 3: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "General Introduction", p. ix. * In contrast to the multireligious scene in [[North America]] and to the supranational character of the Roman Church in the traditionally Roman Catholic nations of [[w:Western Europe|western Europe]], Orthodoxy (using the vernacular and possessing no extra-territorial centralized Church administration) is not only a religion but a way of life, the very cultural matrix of the daily life in the countries where it has become the national Church. [[Russian]] [[literature]], [[art]], folk traditions, habits (where they survive) and attitudes have been formed or at least saturated by Orthodoxy from within. Therefore, the [[atheistic]] revolt of [[Marxist]] [[Bolshevism]] had to match Orthodoxy in its totality in order to crush it as the national way of life. Being only institutionally and ideologically antireligious as is Marxism in most other [[Eastern Europe|East European]] states, to allow a broader scope of religious toleration than in the [[USSR]] (in all cases except [[Albania]]) would not be effective. The attack had to be so total as to shatter the entire national culture in all its aspects. Hence the attempts of contemporary Russian nationalists to reconstruct Russian [[culture]], Russian [[art]], [[literature]], inevitably brings a revival of Orthodoxy, of elements of Orthodox culture. That is why Orthodoxy is so essential to any study of [[w:Russian nationalism|Russian nationalism]]. ** [https://www.google.com/books/edition/History_Of_Soviet_Atheism_In_Theory_And/awiwCwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&printsec=frontcover ''Vol 3: A History of Marxist-Leninist Atheism and Soviet Anti-Religious Policies''], "General introduction", pp. xiv-xv. === About the [[2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]] === * The Church and the State leadership in Russia cooperated in the [[War of aggression|crime of aggression]], and share the responsibility for the resulting crimes, like the shocking abduction of [[Ukraine|Ukrainian]] children. They have provoked enormous suffering not only to the [[Ukraine|Ukrainian]] people, but also to the [[Russians]], who count more than 100,000 casualties, and the responsibility for terrible atrocities. ** Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I, quoted in [https://euromaidanpress.com/2023/03/23/russian-orthodox-church-shares-responsibility-for-russias-aggression-ecumenical-patriarch/ "Russian Orthodox Church shares responsibility for Russia’s aggression – Ecumenical Patriarch"], Euromaidan Press, 23 March 2023 == See also == * [[Christianity]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{Wikisource portal|Eastern_Orthodoxy}} [[Category:Eastern Orthodoxy]] t842c6kyjunmuigt13lqdu2umlhv24j 0 198232 3944611 3941954 2026-05-23T21:51:04Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944611 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Enso.svg|thumb|The person who casts off desires,<br />who acts free from craving and lust,<br />indifferent to "I, my, me,"<br />that person will arrive at peace.]] [[w:Stanley Lombardo|'''Stanley F.''' "'''Stan'''" '''Lombardo''']] (alias '''Hae Kwang'''; born [[June 19]], [[1943]]) is an American [[Classics|Classicist]], and former [[professor]] of Classics at the [[w:University of Kansas|University of Kansas]]. He is best known for his [[translation]]s of the ''[[Iliad]]'', the ''[[Odyssey]]'', and the ''[[Aeneid]]''. The style of his translations is a more vernacular one, emphasizing conversational English rather than the formal tone of some older American English translations of classical verse. Lombardo designs his translations to be [[w:Performance poetry|performed orally]], as they were in [[w:ancient Greece|ancient Greece]]. He also performs the poems, and has recorded them as audio books. In performance he also likes to play the drums, much like [[Ezra Pound]]. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''[[Hesiod|Works and Days and Theogony]]'' (1993) ==== :<small>''Works and Days and Theogony'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 1993), {{ISBN|978-0-87220-179-8}}</small> * We know how to tell many believable lies,<br />But also, when we want to, how to speak the plain truth. ** ''Theogony'', lines 28–29 * Whoever escapes marriage<br />And women's harm, comes to deadly old age<br />Without any son to support him. ** ''Theogony'', lines 607–609 * There's no way to get around the mind of Zeus. ** ''Theogony'', line 617 ==== ''[[Iliad]]'' (1997) ==== :<small>''Iliad'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 1997), {{ISBN|0-87220-352-2}}</small> * Rage:<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Sing, Goddess, Achilles' rage,<br />Black and murderous, that cost the Greeks<br />Incalculable pain. ** Book I, opening lines * Human generations are like leaves in their seasons.<br />The wind blows them to the ground, but the tree<br />Sprouts new ones when spring comes again.<br />Men too. Their generations come and go. ** Book VI, lines 149–152; Glaucus to Diomedes. * It was glorious to see—if your heart were iron,<br />And you could keep from grieving at all the pain. ** Book XIII, lines 355–356 [[File:Triumph of Achilles in Corfu Achilleion.jpg|thumb|Do lions make peace treaties with men? Do wolves and lambs agree to get along?]] [[File:Alexandr Ivanov 005.jpg|thumb|I have borne what no man who has walked this earth has ever yet borne.<br />I have kissed the hand of the man who killed my son.]] * Ah, my friend, if you and I could only<br />Get out of the war alive and then<br />immortal and ageless all of our days,<br />I would never again fight among the foremost<br />Or send you into battle where men win glory.<br />But as it is, death is everywhere<br />In more shapes that we can count,<br />And since no mortal is immune or can escape,<br />Let's go forward, either to give glory<br />To another man, or get glory from him. ** Book XX, lines 333–342; Sarpedon to Glaucus. * Don't try to cut any deals with me, Hector.<br />Do lions make peace treaties with men?<br />Do wolves and lambs agree to get along? ** Book XXII, lines 287–289; spoken by Achilles. * I have borne what no man<br />Who has walked this earth has ever yet borne.<br />I have kissed the hand of the man who killed my son. ** Book XXIV, lines 541–543; Priam to Achilles. ==== ''[[Odyssey]]'' (2000) ==== :<small>''Odyssey'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 2000), {{ISBN|978-0-87220-485-0}}</small> * And for yourself, may the gods grant you<br />Your heart's desire, a husband and a home,<br />And the blessing of a harmonious life.<br />For nothing is greater or finer than this,<br />When a man and woman live together<br />With one heart and mind, bringing joy<br />To their friends and grief to their foes. ** Book VI, lines 183–189; Odysseus to Nausicaa. * Don't try to sell me on death, Odysseus.<br />I'd rather be a hired hand back up on earth,<br />Slaving away for some poor dirt farmer,<br />Than lord it over all these withered dead. ** Book XI, lines 510–513; spoken by the ghost of Achilles. ==== ''[[Sappho]]'s Poems and Fragments'' (2002) ==== :<small>''Sappho's Poems and Fragments'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 2002), {{ISBN|978-0-87220-591-8}}</small> * Shimmering,<br />iridescent,<br />deathless Aphrodite. ** Frag. 1 * Some say an army on horseback,<br />some say on foot, and some say ships<br />are the most beautiful things<br />on this black earth,<br />but I say<br />it is whatever you love. ** Frag. 31 * The moon has set,<br />And the Pleiades.<br />Midnight.<br />The hour has gone by.<br />I sleep alone. ** Frag. 72 ==== ''[[Aeneid]]'' (2005) ==== :<small>''Aeneid'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 2005), {{ISBN|978-0-87220-732-5}}</small> * Your mission, Roman, is to rule the world.<br />These will be your arts: to establish peace,<br />To spare the humbled, and to conquer the proud. ** Book VI, lines 1016–1018; Anchises to Aeneas. ==== ''[[w:Xinxin Ming|Trust in Mind]]'' (2008) ==== :<small>''Zen Sourcebook'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 2008), {{ISBN|978-0-87220-909-1}}</small> * <p>The Way is calm and wide,<br />Not easy, not difficult.<br />But small minds get lost.<br />Hurrying, they fall behind.</p>Clinging, they go too far,<br />Sure to take a wrong turn.<br />Just let it be! In the end,<br />Nothing goes, nothing stays. ** The ''Hsin-hsin-ming'' of [[w:Sengcan|Seng-ts'an]], lines 61–68 ==== ''[[Inferno]]'' (2008) ==== :<small>''Inferno'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 2008), {{ISBN|978-0-87220-917-6}}</small> * Through me is the way to the city of woe.<br />Through me is the way to sorrow eternal.<br />Through me is the way to the lost below. ** Canto III, lines 1–3 ==== ''[[Statius]]: [[w:Achilleid|Achilleid]]'' (2015) ==== :<small>''Statius: Achilleid'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 2015), {{ISBN|978-1-62466-406-9}}</small> * Achilles—bring back the story, Goddess,<br />of the formidable hero descended through Aeacus <br />from thundering Jupiter, but denied His heaven,<br />his deeds indeed famous through Homeric song,<br />but with much more to celebrate. ** Book One, opening lines [[File:Pollet Achille et Déidamie Palais du Luxembourg.jpg|thumb|When the defiant boy, whose heart had never trembled,<br />saw this girl at the head of her troop of companions<br />he stiffened, and every bone in his body<br />absorbed liquid fire.]] * When the defiant boy, whose heart had never trembled,<br />saw this girl at the head of her troop of companions<br />he stiffened, and every bone in his body<br />absorbed liquid fire. ** Book One, p. 12 ==== ''[[Bhagavad Gita]]'' (2019) ==== :<small>''Bhagavad Gita'' (Hackett Publishing Company, 2019), {{ISBN|978-1-62466-788-6}}</small> * The person who casts off desires,<br />who acts free from craving and lust,<br />indifferent to "I, my, me,"<br />that person will arrive at peace. ** Chapter 2, lines 71–74 == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lombardo, Stanley}} [[Category:People from New Orleans]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:Translators from the United States]] [[Category:1943 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 6mqphuicf9k817jrsw5zya7oshk5u8w 0 199225 3944615 2934660 2026-05-23T21:51:52Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944615 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Robert Fitzgerald|Robert Stuart Fitzgerald]]''' ([[12 October]] [[1910]] – [[16 January]] [[1985]]) was an American [[poet]], [[critic]] and [[translator]]. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == === ''The [[Odyssey]]'' (1961) === [[File:Homer by Philippe-Laurent Roland (Louvre 2004 134 cor).jpg|thumb|Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story...]] * Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story<br />of that man skilled in all ways of contending,<br />the wanderer, harried for years on end,<br />after he plundered the stronghold<br />on the proud height of Troy.<br />He saw the townlands<br />and learned the minds of many distant men,<br />and weathered many bitter nights and days<br />in his deep heart at sea, while he fought only<br />to save his life, to bring his shipmates home.<br />But not by will nor valor could he save them,<br />for their own recklessness destroyed them all—<br />children and fools, they killed and feasted on<br />the cattle of Lord Hêlios, the Sun,<br />and he who moves all day through the heaven<br />took from their eyes the dawn of their return. ** opening lines === ''The [[Iliad]]'' (1974) === [[File:Jacques-Louis David - The Anger of Achilles - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Anger be now your song, immortal one...]] * Anger be now your song, immortal one,<br />Akhilleus' anger, doomed and ruinous,<br />that caused the Akhaians loss on bitter loss<br />and crowded brave souls into the undergloom,<br />leaving so many dead men—carrion<br />for dogs and birds; and the will of Zeus was done.<br />Begin it when the two men first contending<br />broke with one another—the Lord Marshal<br />Agamémnon, Atreus' son, and Prince Akhilleus.<br />Among the gods, who brought this quarrel on?<br />The son of Zeus by Lêto. Agamémnon<br />angered him, so he made a burning wind<br />of plague rise in the army: rank and file<br />sickened and died for the ill their chief had done<br />in despising a man of prayer. ** opening lines === ''The [[Aeneid]]'' (1983) === [[File:Aeneas and Turnus.jpg|thumb|I sing of warfare and a man at war.]] * I sing of warfare and a man at war.<br />From the sea-coast of Troy in early days<br />He came to Italy by destiny,<br />To our Lavinian western shore,<br />A fugitive, this captain, buffeted<br />Cruelly on land as on the sea<br />By blows from powers of the air—behind them<br />Baleful Juno in her sleepless rage.<br />And cruel losses were his lot in war,<br />Till he could found a city and bring home<br />His gods to Latium, land of the Latin race,<br />The Alban lords, and the high walls of Rome.<br />Tell me the causes now, O Muse, how galled<br />In her divine pride, and how sore at heart<br />From her old wound, the queen of gods compelled him—<br />A man apart, devoted to his mission—<br />To undergo so many perilous days<br />And enter on so many trials. Can anger<br />Black as this prey on the minds of heaven? ** opening lines == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Fitzgerald, Robert}} [[Category:1910 births]] [[Category:1985 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Poets from the United States]] [[Category:Translators from the United States]] [[Category:Critics from the United States]] [[Category:People from Illinois]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] jyl2zhetn0zgb7q2opq90s6v4q4fmrn 0 200137 3944490 3577650 2026-05-23T13:49:08Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944490 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Laurie Penny.jpg|thumb|Laurie Penny (2016)]] [[File:Playboy Logo (cropped).jpg|thumb|What surrounds us is not sex itself but the illusion of sex, and airbrushed vision of enforced fun-fisting sexuality that is as sterile as it is relentless.']] '''[[w:Laurie Penny|Laurie Penny]]''' (born '''Laura Barnett'''; 28 September 1986) is an English columnist, author and feminist activist. Their first published work ''Meat Market'' is a Marxist-Feminist book discussing the nature of capitalism and patriarchy to the oppression of women. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == === ''[[w:Meat Market: Female Flesh Under Capitalism|Meat Market: Female Flesh Under Capitalism]]'' (2011)=== :<small>'''Winchester, UK: Zero Books (2011)'''</small> * If consumer society is to continue to exist in the manner to which it has become accustomed, it is essential that this latent power be appropriated, tamed and made docile. The ways in which contemporary capitalism undermines women's bodies, from advertising to pornography to the structure of gendered labour and domestic conflict, are not private troubles with no bearing upon the wider world. They are necessary fetters in a superstructure of oppression that has become so fundamental to the experience of femininity that it is effectively invisible. This superstructure is vital to the very survival of the patriarchal capitalist machine. ''If women on earth woke up tomorrow feeling truly positive and powerful in their own bodies, the economies of the globe would collapse overnight.'' **Introduction * From the moment we become old enough to want to own ourselves, the corporate cast of womanhood is stamped into our subconscious, burnt into our brains, reminding us that we are cattle, that we are chattel, that we must strive for conformity, that we can never be free. Not everything begins with sex, but this book does. **Introduction *'''What surrounds us is not sex itself but the illusion of sex, and airbrushed vision of enforced fun-fisting sexuality that is as sterile as it is relentless.''' **Chapter One * Sex work is an economic question, not a moral one: in a world where shame and sexual violence are still hard currency, the normalization of the sex industry is a symptom not of social degeneration, but of the economic exploitation of women on a unprecedented scale. **Chapter One *The Bunny brand is a Lacanian play of signs bounding blithely away from any signifiable sexuality. **Chapter One, Bunny and Brand *It can hardly be argued that the ubiquity of the Playboy Bunny logo or its popularity with young girls are positive developments, but it must be understood that what is being objected to here, as elsewhere, is not sex, but symbol: the black-and-white, liplesss, featureless symbol of a perky, prosthetic sexuality whose alienation from the flesh and intimacy of real sex can be mass-produced. **Chapter One, Bunny and Brand *What is at play here is a horror of flesh: a rubberised capitalist repugnance for the meat and intimacy of human sexuality. **Chapter One *Young people growing up with pressure to perform in every aspect of their lives find themselves aping a robotic capitalist eroticism that has little to do with their own legitimate desires. *We live in a world which worships the unreal female body and despises real female power. In this culture, where women are commanded to always look available nut never actually be so, where, where we are obliged to appear socially and sexually consumable whilst consuming as little as possible, our most drastic retaliation is to undertake our own consumption: to consume ourselves - and so we do in ever increasing numbers. **Chapter 2 *Fear of female flesh is fear of female power, and reclaiming women's bodies must go hand in hand with reclaiming women's power. This cannot be achieved simply by purchasing expensive body lotion. Men and women alike need to confront our fear of female flesh, to risk being overwhelmed by the power of women to change society and take charge of their own lives. All we need to do is acknowledge how hungry we are for that future to arrive, and take the first bite. **Chapter 2 * Feminists - even prominent ones with big platforms to shout from - do not get to be the gatekeepers of what is and what is not female, what is and is not feminine, any more than patriarchal apologists do. Intrinsic to feminism is the notion that such gatekeeping is sexist, recalcitrant, and damaging. **Chapter Three *Marginalised bodies do marginalised work. Bodies that are garroted and controlled can be persuaded to do work that is underpaid and overlooked. Slavemaking is a social science, and nowhere is that science more expertly demonstrated than in the continued ability of contemporary industrial culture to persuade women perform the vast majority of vital domestic and caring labour without expecting reward or payment. **Chapter Four *We cannot fuck our way to freedom. Sexuality alone, and heterosexuality in particular, is never enough to destabilise complex architectures of money and power. Without political agitation, sex can always be co-opted, calcifying gender revolution into another weary parade of saleable binary stereotypes. **Conclusion *If we want to be free, the women of the 21st century need to stop playing the game. We need to end our wary efforts to believe that our bodies are acceptable and begin to know, with a clear and billiant certainty, that our persons are powerful. **Conclusion === "The Consent of the (Un)governed" === :<small>'''''Longreads'' December 2017 [https://longreads.com/2017/12/05/the-consent-of-the-ungoverned/ Full text online]'''</small> * The way we love our jobs and the way we love our country are similar to the way we love abusive partners. This, crucially, is how neoliberal white supremacist patriarchy is different from other power systems like feudalism, or early Protestant capitalism, or direct colonial rule, or theocracy. Rather than claiming that God created human hierarchy and telling people they should be happy with their lot, modern liberal democracies gaslight people into believing that they are already free. * The story we’re told about sexuality is very similar to the story we’re told about citizenship: Once upon a time, things were very bad and nobody had any fun. Then there were a series of revolutions, and various oppressed groups threw off their chains, and now we are free, the end. If you’re not living happily ever after, it’s your own damn fault. When, and if, anyone ever does get caught flagrantly abusing their power, we write them off as monsters, lone wolves, bad apples, or any other fairytale monster that allows us to continue the bedtime story in which white supremacist capitalist patriarchy is working well for everyone. === "No, I Will Not Debate You" === :<small>'''''Longreads'' (September 2018) [https://longreads.com/2018/09/18/no-i-will-not-debate-you/ Full text online]'''</small> * If you won’t debate, the argument goes, you’re an enemy of free speech. You’re basically no better than a Nazi, and certainly far worse than any of the actual Nazis muttering about not being allowed to preach racism from prestigious pulpits. * Well-meaning liberals insist that “sunlight is the best disinfectant,” anti-fascists disagree, the far right orders more popcorn, and round and round we go on the haunted carousel of western liberal thought until we’re all queasy. * The far right does not respect the free and liberal exchange of ideas. It is not open to compromise, and it does not want a debate. It wants power. * Too many well-meaning liberals are clinging with ten fingernails to the idea that their institutions are robust enough to withstand [[fascism]]. They believe, because the belief is soothing, that the marketplace of ideas cares about the value, durability, and quality of its wares rather than how shiny the packaging is, how catchy the jingle, how many times it shows up in your peripheral brand awareness until it’s the one you reach for on the shelf. * Being better at debating does not make you right. It just makes you better at debating. * I will not be bullied by bad-faith actors trying to rules-lawyer my own principles against me into treating neo-Nazis with respect they don’t deserve. * Moderate [[liberalism]] cherishes the idea of “civility” because it allows it to believe in its own goodness and relevance. * It is staggeringly clear that formal debate is failing to stop white supremacy. This is not an abstract philosophical issue. White supremacy is here, at the heart of world governments. * It’s a mistake to think that the far right cares about the free speech debate as anything other than a way of confusing the enemy. The far right doesn’t have a profound philosophy, it has a media strategy. * The first time that white supremacists are denied a formal public platform, they get to plead martyrdom, to call the opposition cowards. And the second time. And the third time. But there’s only so many times you can whine that people aren’t paying you enough attention before those same people get bored and lose interest. * If we deny racists a platform, they feed off the appearance of censorship, but if we give them a platform, they’ve won by being respectfully invited into the mainstream. Either way, what matters to them is not debate, but attention. * I am not interested in hearing out the ideas of the far right, because there are no new ideas on the far right. There are only new recruits. And every time progressives sacrifice the public good on the altar of personal purity, there will be more. ==About Laurie Penny== * The biggest question left by this book, though, is: "Why?" Penny claims not to be a woman, and claims furthermore that women have no shared qualities as a group, so why identify with feminism at all? ** [[Sarah Ditum]] [https://www.thetimes.com/culture/books/article/sexual-revolution-by-laurie-penny-review-ft73td7jc "Sexual Revolution by Laurie Penny review — feminism with the women cut out"], ''The Times'' (27 January 2022) ** From a review of Laurie Penny's ''Sexual Revolution: Modern Fascism and the Feminist Fightback'' (Bloomsbury). == External links == * [https://www.instagram.com/lauriepenny/?hl=en| Instagram Account] * [https://twitter.com/PennyRed?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor| Twitter Account] {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Penny, Laurie}} [[Category:1986 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Bloggers from England]] [[Category:Columnists from England]] [[Category:Atheists from England]] [[Category:Journalists from England]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Marxists]] [[Category:Socialists from England]] [[Category:Activists from England]] [[Category:Jews from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Women born in the 1980s]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] bq626v9e3n7k0oj48c8spa22xj4se7h 0 200591 3944554 3814862 2026-05-23T17:57:55Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944554 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Babar (season 1)|1]] [[Babar (season 2)|2]] [[Babar (season 3)|3]] [[Babar (season 4)|4]] [[Babar (season 5)|5]] [[Babar (season 6)|6]] | [[Babar: The Movie]] / [[Babar: King of the Elephants|King of the Elephants]] | [[Babar (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Babar (TV series)|Babar]]''''' is a [[w:Traditional animation|traditionally animated]] [[w:Television series|television series]] produced in [[w:Toronto|Toronto]], Canada by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]] Limited and The Clifford Ross Company. It premiered in 1988 on [[w:Canadian Broadcasting Corporation|CBC]] and [[w:HBO|HBO]], and subsequently was rerun on HBO and [[w:Qubo|Qubo]]. The series is based on [[w:Jean de Brunhoff|Jean de Brunhoff]]'s [[w:Babar the Elephant|original Babar books]], and was Nelvana's first international co-production. ==Seasons== ::[[Babar (season 1)|Season 1]] (1988-1989) ::[[Babar (season 2)|Season 2]] (1989) ::[[Babar (season 3)|Season 3]] (1990) ::[[Babar (season 4)|Season 4]] (1991) ::[[Babar (season 5)|Season 5]] (1991-1992) ::[[Babar (season 6)|Season 6]] (2001) ==Films== * ''[[Babar: The Movie]]'' (1989) * ''[[Babar: King of the Elephants]]'' (1999) ==Voice cast== * [[w:Gordon Pinsent|Gordon Pinsent]] as King Babar * Dawn Greenhalgh as Queen Celeste * Lea-Helen Weir as Flora (1990–1992) * [[w:Stuart Stone|Stuart Stone]] as Young Arthur (1988-1989) / Alexander (1990–1992) * [[w:Lisa Yamanaka|Lisa Yamanaka]] as Flora (1988-1989) / Isabelle (1990–1992) * [[w:Jeff Pustil|Jeff Pustil]] as Zephir * [[w:Paul Haddad|Paul Haddad]] as Uncle Arthur * [[w:Stephen Ouimette|Stephen Ouimette]] as Pompadour * [[w:Elizabeth Hanna|Elizabeth Hanna]] as Madame * [[w:Allen Stewart-Coates|Allen Stewart-Coates]] as Lord Rataxes * [[w:Corrine Koslo|Corrine Koslo]] as Lady Rataxes * [[w:John Stocker (voice actor)|John Stocker]] as Basil * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Cornelius * Noah Godfrey as Victor (1990–1992) * Benjamin Barrett as Pom (1990–1992) * Gavin Magrath as Young Babar (1988-1989) * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Charendoff]] as Young Celeste (1988-1989) * [[w:Bobby Becken|Bobby Becken]] as Pom (1988-1989) * Amos Crawley as Alexander (1988-1989) * [[w:Dan Hennessey|Dan Hennessey]] as Chef Truffles ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1980s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1980s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:French children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:French TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Babar]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about elephants]] hp7qkumaanlthq1wtedvcla8hqjyija 3944555 3944554 2026-05-23T17:59:49Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944555 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Babar (season 1)|1]] [[Babar (season 2)|2]] [[Babar (season 3)|3]] [[Babar (season 4)|4]] [[Babar (season 5)|5]] [[Babar (season 6)|6]] | [[Babar: The Movie]] / [[Babar: King of the Elephants|King of the Elephants]] | [[Babar (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Babar (TV series)|Babar]]''''' is a [[w:Traditional animation|traditionally animated]] [[w:Television series|television series]] produced in [[w:Toronto|Toronto]], Canada by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]] Limited and The Clifford Ross Company, and then in [[w:Paris|Paris]], France by [[w:Ellipsanime|Ellipse Programme]], for Seasons 2-5, and later [[w:Ellipseanime|Ellispeanime]], for Season 6. It premiered in 1988 on [[w:Canadian Broadcasting Corporation|CBC]] and [[w:HBO|HBO]], and subsequently was rerun on HBO and [[w:Qubo|Qubo]]. The series is based on [[w:Jean de Brunhoff|Jean de Brunhoff]]'s [[w:Babar the Elephant|original Babar books]], and was Nelvana's first international co-production. ==Seasons== ::[[Babar (season 1)|Season 1]] (1988-1989) ::[[Babar (season 2)|Season 2]] (1989) ::[[Babar (season 3)|Season 3]] (1990) ::[[Babar (season 4)|Season 4]] (1991) ::[[Babar (season 5)|Season 5]] (1991-1992) ::[[Babar (season 6)|Season 6]] (2001) ==Films== * ''[[Babar: The Movie]]'' (1989) * ''[[Babar: King of the Elephants]]'' (1999) ==Voice cast== * [[w:Gordon Pinsent|Gordon Pinsent]] as King Babar * Dawn Greenhalgh as Queen Celeste * Lea-Helen Weir as Flora (1990–1992) * [[w:Stuart Stone|Stuart Stone]] as Young Arthur (1988-1989) / Alexander (1990–1992) * [[w:Lisa Yamanaka|Lisa Yamanaka]] as Flora (1988-1989) / Isabelle (1990–1992) * [[w:Jeff Pustil|Jeff Pustil]] as Zephir * [[w:Paul Haddad|Paul Haddad]] as Uncle Arthur * [[w:Stephen Ouimette|Stephen Ouimette]] as Pompadour * [[w:Elizabeth Hanna|Elizabeth Hanna]] as Madame * [[w:Allen Stewart-Coates|Allen Stewart-Coates]] as Lord Rataxes * [[w:Corrine Koslo|Corrine Koslo]] as Lady Rataxes * [[w:John Stocker (voice actor)|John Stocker]] as Basil * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Cornelius * Noah Godfrey as Victor (1990–1992) * Benjamin Barrett as Pom (1990–1992) * Gavin Magrath as Young Babar (1988-1989) * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Charendoff]] as Young Celeste (1988-1989) * [[w:Bobby Becken|Bobby Becken]] as Pom (1988-1989) * Amos Crawley as Alexander (1988-1989) * [[w:Dan Hennessey|Dan Hennessey]] as Chef Truffles ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1980s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1980s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:French children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:French TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Babar]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about elephants]] krtfnpvsl0fh23qdll44e4b9tyzsvd2 3944557 3944555 2026-05-23T18:13:38Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944557 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Babar (season 1)|1]] [[Babar (season 2)|2]] [[Babar (season 3)|3]] [[Babar (season 4)|4]] [[Babar (season 5)|5]] [[Babar (season 6)|6]] | [[Babar: The Movie]] / [[Babar: King of the Elephants|King of the Elephants]] | [[Babar (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Babar (TV series)|Babar]]''''' is a [[w:Traditional animation|traditionally animated]] [[w:Television series|television series]] produced in [[w:Toronto|Toronto]], Canada by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]] Limited, and in [[w:New York City|New York City]] by The Clifford Ross Company, and then in [[w:Paris|Paris]], France by [[w:Ellipsanime|Ellipse Programme]], for Seasons 2-5, and later [[w:Ellipseanime|Ellispeanime]], for Season 6. It premiered in 1988 on [[w:Canadian Broadcasting Corporation|CBC]], [[w:Family Channel (Canada)|Family Channel]], and [[w:Vrak|Canal Famille]], for Season 1-5, [[w:CTV Television Network|CTV]], and [[w:Noovo|TQS]], for Seasons 1-3, [[w:Tele-Quebec|Tele-Quebec]], and [[w:YTV (Canada)|YTV]], for Seasons 4-5, and [[w:TVO|TVO]], [[w:TFO|TFO]], [[w:Knowledge Network|Knowledge Network]], and [[w:TV5 Quebec Canada|TV5 Quebec Canada]], for Season 6, in Canada, and [[w:HBO|HBO]], in the United States, and subsequently was rerun on HBO and [[w:Qubo|Qubo]]. The series is based on [[w:Jean de Brunhoff|Jean de Brunhoff]]'s [[w:Babar the Elephant|original Babar books]], and was Nelvana's first international co-production. ==Seasons== ::[[Babar (season 1)|Season 1]] (1988-1989) ::[[Babar (season 2)|Season 2]] (1989) ::[[Babar (season 3)|Season 3]] (1990) ::[[Babar (season 4)|Season 4]] (1991) ::[[Babar (season 5)|Season 5]] (1991-1992) ::[[Babar (season 6)|Season 6]] (2001) ==Films== * ''[[Babar: The Movie]]'' (1989) * ''[[Babar: King of the Elephants]]'' (1999) ==Voice cast== * [[w:Gordon Pinsent|Gordon Pinsent]] as King Babar * Dawn Greenhalgh as Queen Celeste * Lea-Helen Weir as Flora (1990–1992) * [[w:Stuart Stone|Stuart Stone]] as Young Arthur (1988-1989) / Alexander (1990–1992) * [[w:Lisa Yamanaka|Lisa Yamanaka]] as Flora (1988-1989) / Isabelle (1990–1992) * [[w:Jeff Pustil|Jeff Pustil]] as Zephir * [[w:Paul Haddad|Paul Haddad]] as Uncle Arthur * [[w:Stephen Ouimette|Stephen Ouimette]] as Pompadour * [[w:Elizabeth Hanna|Elizabeth Hanna]] as Madame * [[w:Allen Stewart-Coates|Allen Stewart-Coates]] as Lord Rataxes * [[w:Corrine Koslo|Corrine Koslo]] as Lady Rataxes * [[w:John Stocker (voice actor)|John Stocker]] as Basil * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Cornelius * Noah Godfrey as Victor (1990–1992) * Benjamin Barrett as Pom (1990–1992) * Gavin Magrath as Young Babar (1988-1989) * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Charendoff]] as Young Celeste (1988-1989) * [[w:Bobby Becken|Bobby Becken]] as Pom (1988-1989) * Amos Crawley as Alexander (1988-1989) * [[w:Dan Hennessey|Dan Hennessey]] as Chef Truffles ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1980s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1980s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:French children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:French TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Babar]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about elephants]] iuz1ee6nqqaf1gwtym3ggrm12g9npk5 3944558 3944557 2026-05-23T18:16:09Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944558 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Babar (season 1)|1]] [[Babar (season 2)|2]] [[Babar (season 3)|3]] [[Babar (season 4)|4]] [[Babar (season 5)|5]] [[Babar (season 6)|6]] | [[Babar: The Movie]] / [[Babar: King of the Elephants|King of the Elephants]] | [[Babar (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Babar (TV series)|Babar]]''''' is a [[w:Traditional animation|traditionally animated]] [[w:Television series|television series]] produced in [[w:Toronto|Toronto]], Canada by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]] Limited, and in [[w:New York City|New York City]] by The Clifford Ross Company, and then in [[w:Paris|Paris]], France by [[w:Ellipsanime|Ellipse Programme]], for Seasons 2-5, and later [[w:Ellipseanime|Ellispeanime]], for Season 6. It premiered in 1988 on [[w:Canadian Broadcasting Corporation|CBC]], [[w:Family Channel (Canada)|Family Channel]], and [[w:Vrak|Canal Famille]], for Season 1-5, [[w:CTV Television Network|CTV]], and [[w:Noovo|TQS]], for Seasons 1-3, [[w:Tele-Quebec|Tele-Quebec]], and [[w:Citytv|Citytv]], for Seasons 4-5, and [[w:TVO|TVO]], [[w:TFO|TFO]], [[w:Knowledge Network|Knowledge Network]], and [[w:TV5 Quebec Canada|TV5 Quebec Canada]], for Season 6, in Canada, and [[w:HBO|HBO]], in the United States, and subsequently was rerun on HBO and [[w:Qubo|Qubo]]. The series is based on [[w:Jean de Brunhoff|Jean de Brunhoff]]'s [[w:Babar the Elephant|original Babar books]], and was Nelvana's first international co-production. ==Seasons== ::[[Babar (season 1)|Season 1]] (1988-1989) ::[[Babar (season 2)|Season 2]] (1989) ::[[Babar (season 3)|Season 3]] (1990) ::[[Babar (season 4)|Season 4]] (1991) ::[[Babar (season 5)|Season 5]] (1991-1992) ::[[Babar (season 6)|Season 6]] (2001) ==Films== * ''[[Babar: The Movie]]'' (1989) * ''[[Babar: King of the Elephants]]'' (1999) ==Voice cast== * [[w:Gordon Pinsent|Gordon Pinsent]] as King Babar * Dawn Greenhalgh as Queen Celeste * Lea-Helen Weir as Flora (1990–1992) * [[w:Stuart Stone|Stuart Stone]] as Young Arthur (1988-1989) / Alexander (1990–1992) * [[w:Lisa Yamanaka|Lisa Yamanaka]] as Flora (1988-1989) / Isabelle (1990–1992) * [[w:Jeff Pustil|Jeff Pustil]] as Zephir * [[w:Paul Haddad|Paul Haddad]] as Uncle Arthur * [[w:Stephen Ouimette|Stephen Ouimette]] as Pompadour * [[w:Elizabeth Hanna|Elizabeth Hanna]] as Madame * [[w:Allen Stewart-Coates|Allen Stewart-Coates]] as Lord Rataxes * [[w:Corrine Koslo|Corrine Koslo]] as Lady Rataxes * [[w:John Stocker (voice actor)|John Stocker]] as Basil * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Cornelius * Noah Godfrey as Victor (1990–1992) * Benjamin Barrett as Pom (1990–1992) * Gavin Magrath as Young Babar (1988-1989) * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Charendoff]] as Young Celeste (1988-1989) * [[w:Bobby Becken|Bobby Becken]] as Pom (1988-1989) * Amos Crawley as Alexander (1988-1989) * [[w:Dan Hennessey|Dan Hennessey]] as Chef Truffles ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1980s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1980s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:French children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:French TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Babar]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about elephants]] s5t9ik15pd4fg8jhe4c2uqrhoecrnl8 3944559 3944558 2026-05-23T18:16:48Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944559 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Babar (season 1)|1]] [[Babar (season 2)|2]] [[Babar (season 3)|3]] [[Babar (season 4)|4]] [[Babar (season 5)|5]] [[Babar (season 6)|6]] | [[Babar: The Movie]] / [[Babar: King of the Elephants|King of the Elephants]] | [[Babar (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Babar (TV series)|Babar]]''''' is a [[w:Traditional animation|traditionally animated]] [[w:Television series|television series]] produced in [[w:Toronto|Toronto]], Canada by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]] Limited, and in [[w:New York City|New York City]] by The Clifford Ross Company, and then in [[w:Paris|Paris]], France by [[w:Ellipsanime|Ellipse Programme]], for Seasons 2-5, and later [[w:Ellipsanime|Ellispanime]], for Season 6. It premiered in 1988 on [[w:Canadian Broadcasting Corporation|CBC]], [[w:Family Channel (Canada)|Family Channel]], and [[w:Vrak|Canal Famille]], for Season 1-5, [[w:CTV Television Network|CTV]], and [[w:Noovo|TQS]], for Seasons 1-3, [[w:Tele-Quebec|Tele-Quebec]], and [[w:Citytv|Citytv]], for Seasons 4-5, and [[w:TVO|TVO]], [[w:TFO|TFO]], [[w:Knowledge Network|Knowledge Network]], and [[w:TV5 Quebec Canada|TV5 Quebec Canada]], for Season 6, in Canada, and [[w:HBO|HBO]], in the United States, and subsequently was rerun on HBO and [[w:Qubo|Qubo]]. The series is based on [[w:Jean de Brunhoff|Jean de Brunhoff]]'s [[w:Babar the Elephant|original Babar books]], and was Nelvana's first international co-production. ==Seasons== ::[[Babar (season 1)|Season 1]] (1988-1989) ::[[Babar (season 2)|Season 2]] (1989) ::[[Babar (season 3)|Season 3]] (1990) ::[[Babar (season 4)|Season 4]] (1991) ::[[Babar (season 5)|Season 5]] (1991-1992) ::[[Babar (season 6)|Season 6]] (2001) ==Films== * ''[[Babar: The Movie]]'' (1989) * ''[[Babar: King of the Elephants]]'' (1999) ==Voice cast== * [[w:Gordon Pinsent|Gordon Pinsent]] as King Babar * Dawn Greenhalgh as Queen Celeste * Lea-Helen Weir as Flora (1990–1992) * [[w:Stuart Stone|Stuart Stone]] as Young Arthur (1988-1989) / Alexander (1990–1992) * [[w:Lisa Yamanaka|Lisa Yamanaka]] as Flora (1988-1989) / Isabelle (1990–1992) * [[w:Jeff Pustil|Jeff Pustil]] as Zephir * [[w:Paul Haddad|Paul Haddad]] as Uncle Arthur * [[w:Stephen Ouimette|Stephen Ouimette]] as Pompadour * [[w:Elizabeth Hanna|Elizabeth Hanna]] as Madame * [[w:Allen Stewart-Coates|Allen Stewart-Coates]] as Lord Rataxes * [[w:Corrine Koslo|Corrine Koslo]] as Lady Rataxes * [[w:John Stocker (voice actor)|John Stocker]] as Basil * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Cornelius * Noah Godfrey as Victor (1990–1992) * Benjamin Barrett as Pom (1990–1992) * Gavin Magrath as Young Babar (1988-1989) * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Charendoff]] as Young Celeste (1988-1989) * [[w:Bobby Becken|Bobby Becken]] as Pom (1988-1989) * Amos Crawley as Alexander (1988-1989) * [[w:Dan Hennessey|Dan Hennessey]] as Chef Truffles ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1980s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1980s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:French children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:French TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Babar]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about elephants]] arv2bidd2hm89p9nj9p5rmuebhnlyde 3944575 3944559 2026-05-23T19:25:10Z 03isrflo62410 1485946 Removed bloat 3944575 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Babar (season 1)|1]] [[Babar (season 2)|2]] [[Babar (season 3)|3]] [[Babar (season 4)|4]] [[Babar (season 5)|5]] [[Babar (season 6)|6]] | [[Babar: The Movie]] / [[Babar: King of the Elephants|King of the Elephants]] | [[Babar (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Babar (TV series)|Babar]]''''' is a [[w:Traditional animation|traditionally animated]] [[w:Television series|television series]] produced in [[w:Toronto|Toronto]], Canada by [[w:Nelvana|Nelvana]] Limited and The Clifford Ross Company. It premiered in 1988 on [[w:Canadian Broadcasting Corporation|CBC]] and [[w:HBO|HBO]], and subsequently was rerun on HBO and [[w:Qubo|Qubo]]. The series is based on [[w:Jean de Brunhoff|Jean de Brunhoff]]'s [[w:Babar the Elephant|original Babar books]], and was Nelvana's first international co-production. ==Seasons== ::[[Babar (season 1)|Season 1]] (1988-1989) ::[[Babar (season 2)|Season 2]] (1989) ::[[Babar (season 3)|Season 3]] (1990) ::[[Babar (season 4)|Season 4]] (1991) ::[[Babar (season 5)|Season 5]] (1991-1992) ::[[Babar (season 6)|Season 6]] (2001) ==Films== * ''[[Babar: The Movie]]'' (1989) * ''[[Babar: King of the Elephants]]'' (1999) ==Voice cast== * [[w:Gordon Pinsent|Gordon Pinsent]] as King Babar * Dawn Greenhalgh as Queen Celeste * Lea-Helen Weir as Flora (1990–1992) * [[w:Stuart Stone|Stuart Stone]] as Young Arthur (1988-1989) / Alexander (1990–1992) * [[w:Lisa Yamanaka|Lisa Yamanaka]] as Flora (1988-1989) / Isabelle (1990–1992) * [[w:Jeff Pustil|Jeff Pustil]] as Zephir * [[w:Paul Haddad|Paul Haddad]] as Uncle Arthur * [[w:Stephen Ouimette|Stephen Ouimette]] as Pompadour * [[w:Elizabeth Hanna|Elizabeth Hanna]] as Madame * [[w:Allen Stewart-Coates|Allen Stewart-Coates]] as Lord Rataxes * [[w:Corrine Koslo|Corrine Koslo]] as Lady Rataxes * [[w:John Stocker (voice actor)|John Stocker]] as Basil * [[w:Chris Wiggins|Chris Wiggins]] as Cornelius * Noah Godfrey as Victor (1990–1992) * Benjamin Barrett as Pom (1990–1992) * Gavin Magrath as Young Babar (1988-1989) * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Charendoff]] as Young Celeste (1988-1989) * [[w:Bobby Becken|Bobby Becken]] as Pom (1988-1989) * Amos Crawley as Alexander (1988-1989) * [[w:Dan Hennessey|Dan Hennessey]] as Chef Truffles ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1980s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:1980s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s French animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:French children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:French TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Babar]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:CBC shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about elephants]] hp7qkumaanlthq1wtedvcla8hqjyija 0 202565 3944550 3944182 2026-05-23T17:48:20Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944550 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:DonFreeman.jpg|thumb|In 1968, [[w:Don Freeman|Don Freeman]] created the children's picture book, Corduroy.]] '''''[[w:Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy the Bear]]''''', also known as simply '''''Corduroy''''', is a Canadian animated children's TV series based on [[w:Don Freeman|Don Freeman]]'s 1968 children's book ''[[w:Corduroy (book)|Corduroy]]'' and its 1978 follow-up ''[[w:A Pocket for Corduroy|A Pocket for Corduroy]]''. It originally aired for one season on Canadian [[w:TVOKids|TVOKids]] and U.S. [[w:PBS Kids|PBS Kids]]' ''[[w:PBS Kids Bookworm Bunch|Bookworm Bunch]]'' in 2000, before it got cancelled along with ''[[w:Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]''. The show consists of 26 11-minute stories, which were broadcast in pairs as 13 22-minute episodes. ==Episodes== ===Lost and Found / Going Up [1.1]=== :''[first lines of the series]'' :'''Lisa''': I'll read these books to you when we get home, okay, Corduroy? :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Okay. :'''Lisa''': I can carry it. :'''Lisa's Mom''': You sure now? :'''Lisa''': Uh-huh. :''[Lisa's Mom gives Lisa the blue bag with library books as they leave the library]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[After Lisa looses Corduroy on the subway train, Corduroy sits on the man's head]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' I must be lost. ''[the subway train is going far away from the station]'' Oh no, I must be going into a very deep tunnel. I'll be lost forever. :''[In Corduroy's imagination, Corduroy looks for Lisa]'' :'''Corduroy''': Lisa? Lisa? I don't want to be lost forever. ''[spots a women wearing a red shirt]'' Yeah! We can leave the tunnel and go... :''[The women turns to Corduroy and smiles happily at him]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[gasps; sadly]'' You're not Lisa. :''[Corduroy has a sad expression as he walks away from the women. Then the scene cuts back to realty]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' If I'm lost, What should I do to get found? If Lisa was here, She know what to do. <hr width=50% /> :''[while Lisa heads to the lost and found station, she believes that Corduroy wouldn't be here]'' :'''Lisa''': What if Corduroy's not there? ''[In Lisa's imagination, a responsible girl holds Corduroy]'' What if Corduroy's been found by a responsible girl with a bigger, nicer, knapsack? :''[Corduroy sits on the responsible girl's knapsack. Then the scene cuts back to realty]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[pants]'' Five more minutes before they close! :''[Lisa opens the door and sees children's lost toys]'' :'''Employer''': Hello. Can I help you? :'''Lisa''': ''[talking fast]'' My toy bear Corduroy, I left him behind in the subway car. Corduroy's my responsibility. I should have been keeping an eye on him. ''[sadly]'' But I was too... :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[arrives the lost and found station]'' We're looking for a brown bear dressed in green corduroy overalls. :'''Employer''': I'll have a look. :''[The employer went to find Corduroy. Lisa's Mom holds Lisa's shoulder as Lisa sighs sadly]'' :'''Employer''': I'm sorry. I don't see a (brown) bear with (green) corduroy overalls. Maybe you'd like to come back tomorrow. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy arrives to an elevator that is completely out of order]'' :'''Corduroy''': What does the sign say? :'''Lisa''': ''[reading the out of order sign]'' "Out of order. Please use stairs. We apologize for any in... incon..." :'''Pandro''': ''[helping Lisa with the spelling]'' "Inconvenience." :'''Lisa''': "We apologize for any inconvenience." :'''Pandro''': ''[chuckles]'' I am the one who should be sorry. :'''Lisa''': Sorry for what? :'''Pandro''': You're going to have to use the stairs, Lisa. We're doing a safely check on the elevator. :'''Lisa''': That's okay. See you, Pandro. ''[races down the stairs]'' ===Good Night Corduroy / Soap Flakes [1.2]=== :''[After finishing the book [[w:Tilly Witch|Tilly Witch]] the other book by [[w:Don Freeman|Don Freeman]]]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[tries to request a second story]'' No. Another story? Please? :''[Lisa takes the book from Corduroy and is about to put it back on the bookshelf, even though Corduroy wants to read one more story before bedtime.]'' :'''Lisa''': Corduroy, we have to go to bed now. Okay? :'''Corduroy''': ''[still wanting one more story, and does not want to go to bed yet]'' I don't want to go to bed! :''[Lisa picks up Corduroy and puts him into his bear sized bed which is on Lisa's desk. Corduroy insists --and claims-- that he is older and should be older to stay up. That is, as he --Corduroy-- says...!]'' :'''Corduroy''': I'm older enough to stay up late! :''[And Lisa says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': Then you're older enough to turn off the light (if you are). :''[After Lisa has told Corduroy that if he is bigger to stay up late then he should be bigger to turn out the light, Corduroy tries to think it. He makes his choice whether himself or Lisa should turn it off. When he does not choose in time --by taking too long to think-- Lisa decides for him]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[makes the choice for Corduroy which is "Lisa"]'' Then I can turn out the light. With a tiny, little, click. :'''Corduroy''': Please don't turn off the light. :'''Lisa''': Why? :'''Corduroy''': Because...! Because...! Because I am going to read some more. :'''Lisa''': We will read that book tomorrow night. I promise. :''[Lisa means "no more bedtime stories until tomorrow". Then she does turn out the light]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa went to gets a glass of water for Corduroy after he shares the request to her of being thirsty. Lisa's Mom comes out of her bedroom and sees Lisa still up. Lisa is in the bathroom getting water. Lisa's Mom sees it and wonders why Lisa is still awake]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': You are still up? :'''Lisa''': I am just getting a drink of water, Mom. :'''Lisa's Mom''': Okay. But back to bed. :''[Lisa's Mom knows that Lisa has school tomorrow and therefore it has turned out to be a school night.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': It is a school day tomorrow. <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': Hi. :'''Lisa''': Corduroy? What are you doing out of bed? :'''Corduroy''': I wanted to make sure that you have turned off the tap so there is no more drip. :''[Corduroy, acting like Tilly the witch from the book [[w:Tilly Witch|Tilly Witch]] the bedtime story book he and Lisa were reading, says he wants to turn off the tap like Tilly. Then he goes over to the sink tap to turn it off like Tilly the witch]'' :'''Corduroy''': There. :''[Corduroy turns off the sink tap.]'' :'''Corduroy''': No more ''[mimicking the faucet dripping]'' drip, drip, dripping. :''[Lisa picks up Corduroy and adds her own line like from the said book after Corduroy says, "No more drip, drip, dripping". That is, as she --Lisa-- says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': And no more play, play, playing, Corduroy. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa sings to Corduroy a lullaby. The song she is singing is sung to the tune of "[[w:Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star|Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star]]". And it is her own version of said song.] :'''Lisa''': ''[singing]'' ♪ ''Listen Cordy, don't be scared.'' ♪'' :''♪ I'll make those nightmares disappear. ♪'' :''♪ We'll turn down the blankets. ♪'' :''♪ And we'll them down just right. ♪'' :''♪ Turn to each other and say ♪'' ''[yawns]'' :''♪ "Good night". ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': Good night, Lisa. ''[falls fast asleep]'' :'''Lisa''': Good night, Corduroy. :''[Lisa kisses Corduroy. Then she goes back to bed and turns off the light as the second episode's first half ends.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Corduroy and Buckaroo's imagination, they're both going on a snow ride in the [[w:North Pole|North Pole]]. The two "preschool child aged" toys pretend it by using the dust pan in the linen closet.]'' :'''Buckaroo''': ''♪ Snowflakes ♪'' :''♪ Riding through the snowflakes ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': Giddy up! :''[Buckaroo keeps riding through the snow. Buckaroo is pretending to be one of the horses at the North Pole. He and Corduroy are in their imagination that they are in the North Pole. The scene then cuts back into reality. Back in reality, Lisa comes home and looks into the messy linen closet caused by Corduroy and Buckaroo who are still playing in it pretending to play in the snow with the linen things. Then she --offscreen-- catches them. The scene soon cuts to her from the door to the linen closet.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' Corduroy, Buckaroo! :''[Lisa finds them playing in the linen closet with the linen things.]'' :'''Lisa''': What a mess! What happened? :''[Corduroy and Buckaroo stop playing. They then stare at Lisa and the mess with embarrassed smiles on their faces after what they were doing to the linen equipment to act out like they were at the North Pole.]'' :'''Corduroy and Buckaroo''': ''[trying to confess]'' Ummm…! Uh...! :'''Lisa''': ''[to Corduroy and Buckaroo about the mess they have made]'' (Well?) "Ummm…!", what? Come on, you two. Help me clean this up, (both of you). :''[Lisa picks up a paper roll.]'' :'''Lisa''': Boy, (it looks like) someone is going to be in big trouble. :''[When Lisa has said, "Someone is going to be in big trouble", it turns out that both Corduroy and Buckaroo are in trouble. Because they both indeed made the mess in the linen room.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[looks in the closet and lists what has to be done as Corduroy and Buckaroo were playing with the linen things and caused the mess]'' Bath towels need refolding, the toilet paper needs rerolling. :''[As Corduroy and Buckaroo are helping Lisa clean up the linen room as they've made the mess in the linen room, Buckaroo puts the towel back on the shelf and picks up the dust pan and hangs it back up. They also refold the bath towels, then reroll the toilet paper]'' :'''Buckaroo''': Tell Lisa that we made the mess. :'''Corduroy''': ''[is afraid to tell Lisa the truth]'' But she is going to get mad. :'''Buckaroo''': Ooh...! But we HAVE to tell her. :'''Lisa''': ''[putting the laundry soap into the laundry soap box]'' Come on, help me! Mom is going to be coming home any minute now. :'''Corduroy''': ''[whispers through Buckaroo's ear]'' What if we make up a story? :'''Buckaroo''': You mean lie? Oh, I don't know. That doesn't sound right. <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Why did Kit not chase after Rosetta? :'''Corduroy''': Uh-oh. :''[Rosetta --about the lie-- realizes she was tricked and blamed.]'' :'''Rosetta''': And what is this?! (None of this was Kit and I!) That cat, he NEVER chases me! :''[Corduroy was lying when he said that Kit and Rosetta made the mess in the linen room even though it was him and Buckaroo. He and Buckaroo were playing in it, then he fibbed about it. Therefore, Rosetta is telling the truth; really it was not her. Lisa --on the other hand-- believes Rosetta when Rosetta says it was not her and Kit who made the mess. But she becomes concerned about Corduroy's lie.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[confused]'' I don't get it. Corduroy told me. And...! :''[Lisa looks at Corduroy. She knows that he was lying even though it was him and Buckaroo who made that mess in the linen room.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[turns to Corduroy]'' Corduroy...?! :'''Corduroy''': ''[buries his face in his paws]'' I lied, Lisa! I did it. I messed up the closet! :'''Buckaroo''': I was there too. :'''Corduroy''': But it was my idea to lie, not Buckaroo's. :''[It turns out that the only person who was telling the truth was Rosetta.]'' :'''Rosetta''': ''[to Lisa when she told her she was not in the linen room with Corduroy and Buckaroo]'' Well, I was not there (in the first place)! And I did not make any mess! :''[Rosetta turns to Corduroy and Buckaroo after Corduroy lied about her making the mess and after she was tricked and blamed.]'' :'''Rosetta''': ''[to Corduroy]'' Shame on you! :''[Rosetta wheels herself away. She was telling the truth. But she gets away with it because it wasn't her who made the mess. Corduroy buries his face in his paws again. Lisa walks to Corduroy who is feeling quite guilty.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[takes Corduroy's paws off his eyes then has a word with Corduroy when he didn't tell the truth in the first place]'' Why didn't you tell me the truth when I asked? :''[Soon Lisa comforts Corduroy.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[sadly]'' I was scared you'd get mad at me. :'''Lisa''': But you made me think it was all Kit's fault, and that wasn't right. Things get worse if you don't tell the truth. :'''Corduroy''': ''[apologizing to Lisa about the lie he told]'' I'm sorry, Lisa. :'''Lisa''': You must be saying sorry to Kit, not me. <hr width=50% /> :''[Kit watches the rain while Corduroy put the cat dish to the kitchen]'' :'''Corduroy''': Sorry I got you into trouble, Kit. ''[Kit has a happy expression]'' I'd be mad at me too. :''[Corduroy walks away sadly as Kit follows him]'' :'''Corduroy''': I'm sorry, I'll never lie about anything again. Promise. :''[Corduroy and Kit walk to the sofa]'' :'''Corduroy''': Tomorrow we'll go exploring. Or hide and seek is good. We could draw or maybe walk around the neighborhood. Or we could just sit and... ''[yawns]'' ...think. :''[Corduroy falls fast asleep. Lisa watches Corduroy and Kit sleep on the sofa as the episode ends]'' ===Ice Dream / Special Delivery [1.3]=== :''[In Lisa's room, Lisa and Corduroy are folding sheets while finishing their chores]'' :'''Lisa''': Just a few more, Corduroy. And all our chores will be finished. ''[puts a purple sheet among with other sheet who already been folded]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[jumps up and down on Lisa's bed]'' What's a chore? ''[Lisa picks up a white sheet]'' Whee! :'''Lisa''': ''[explains to Corduroy what does a chore do]'' Work. :'''Corduroy''': But is this work? :'''Lisa''': Kind of. But it doesn't have to be. :''[Corduroy stops jumping on Lisa's bed as Lisa puts the white sheet down]'' :'''Lisa''': Get on. :''[Corduroy sits down on the white sheet. Lisa grabs both sides of the sheet and use it as a trampoline so Corduroy can have more fun jumping]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[giggling; while bouncing on the white sheet as it pretends to be a trampoline]'' This must be a trampoline. I've always wanted to jump on a trampoline. :''[Lisa and Corduroy begin to laugh for joy]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Corduroy's imagination, Corduroy walks past a sign that leads to the North Pole]'' :'''Corduroy''': The North Pole must be very cold or else all this ice cream will melt. ''[sees the giant ice cream cones]'' Ice cream cones, ice cream sundaes, ice cream floats. Mmm. This must be a dream. I'm dreaming of ice cream. <hr width=50% /> :''[While Lisa does not have any ice cream, Lisa's Mom still thinks that there should be a proper snack for winter --but not ice cream since it is in fact a summer treat. That is as she --Lisa's Mom-- says...!]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': Lisa, really. A mug of [[w:hot cocoa|hot cocoa]] (with marshmallows) should make more sense. :''[What Lisa's mom said, it is true. A mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows is indeed a proper treat for winter. Lisa should maybe try ice cream for real summer days. But since it is winter, she should choose some sort of a "winter type treat" like hot chocolate.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa's Mom finds Lisa's toys in the hallway making her think that Lisa had forgot to put her toys away when she was off to school.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Corduroy, Buckaroo, and Rosetta]'' Lisa knows better than to leave her toys in the hallway. <hr width=50% /> :''[In Corduroy's imagination, Corduroy and Rosetta ride on Buckaroo while delivering the mail. Corduroy throws letters to the neighborhood and one letter lands on the sidewalk and Kit looks at the letter. Corduroy throws a letter to the ice cream lady and she catches it]'' :'''Buckaroo''': Everyone looks happy. :''[Corduroy throws more letters]'' :'''Rosetta''': It means someone is thinking about you. :''[Corduroy as a mailman throws one of the letters and a women picks it up and opens it. Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo as mail carriers arrive at Lisa's school and Lisa is doing math inside.]'' :'''Corduroy''': I can't wait to give Lisa her special delivery. <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa's Mom''': Hi, Mrs. Cho. :'''Mrs. Cho''': ''[to Lisa's Mom]'' Good morning. : ''[Mrs. Cho tells Lisa's Mom of how she found Lisa's toys --Corduroy, Rosetta and Buckaroo-- in the elevator.]'' :'''Mrs. Cho''': I think Lisa forgot her toys. They were in the elevator. :''[Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo are sitting on Mrs. Cho's shopping trolley.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': But (as I recall), the last time I looked, they were right there (in the hallway after Lisa left for school)! :''[Lisa's Mom still looks at them, still wondering how Lisa's toys --Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo-- were "left out" while Lisa was at school. True to what she says, as she recalls, she saw the toys in the hallway.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[laughs]'' It is not as if they can walk out on their own! :''[Lisa's Mom knows that toys strictly speaking do not go out to places on their own from any child's bedroom --like Lisa's-- then picks up the toys.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': Thanks, Mrs. Cho (for finding Lisa's toys). :'''Mrs. Cho''': You're welcome. :''[Later, the scene cuts to where Lisa's Mom takes Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo back to Lisa's room. She is still thinks that Lisa forgot to put her toys away, then she puts them on the bed.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo]'' Now you stay put. All right, Corduroy? I don't want Lisa thinking her own mom can't take care of her toys. :''[She leaves the bedroom.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' I hope Lisa likes her surprise. ===Clean Up / Music Lesson [1.4]=== :''[Rosetta has tagged along with Corduroy, Lisa, and Moppy. That is, since the beginning of the episode. It has even been seen onscreen too. Scene first cuts to the ducks. As for Rosetta, as the viewers see her, she is in the shirt section of Corduroy's overalls and --possibly-- tickling in Corduroy's overalls. She did this to Corduroy when he --Corduroy-- put her --Rosetta-- in his overalls. That is, as she was in Corduroy's overalls --which he uses as a "pocket area" for Rosetta while at the public.]'' :'''Lisa''': The poor ducklings, they are stranded out there. :''[Cut to Corduroy]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Why are they not swimming Lisa? :''[Lisa approaches to Corduroy.]'' :'''Corduroy''': They want to swim. But they can't because the water is so dirty. :'''Rosetta''': ''[thinking --and from Corduroy's overalls]'' It is not only because the water is dirty. It's also because people have been putting dirt into the water. :''[Rosetta smiles with a white toothed smile and with lipstick on her lips.]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Wouldn't it be great, Cordy, if we got the pond so clean, even we could swim in it? :''[Rosetta pops out of Corduroy's overalls shirt section and reminds him to take her out of his overalls top section before swimming. And she says...!]'' :'''Rosetta''': ''[to Corduroy]'' Just remember to take me out of your pocket before you do any swimming. :''[Rosetta goes back into Corduroy's overalls]'' :'''Corduroy''': I will, Rosetta. :'''Lisa''': And we'll have to make sure you're wearing your water wings, Cordy. ''[sighs]'' I could just see it. The pond will look the best ever. :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination, the pond looks shiny clean and the animals like ducks, lizards, turtles, frogs, salamanders, and bugs --like dragonflies-- are enjoying their clean home. The camera zooms over to Lisa and Corduroy who were swimming in the pond]'' :'''Lisa and Corduroy''': ''[laughing]'' :''[A mallard and his ducklings swim past Lisa and Corduroy]'' :'''Corduroy''': I must be swimming. I've always wanted to swim. ''[to a duckling]'' Just like you! Quack, quack. :''[A duckling swims around Lisa]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[laughs]'' Quack, quack, cheep, cheep. :''[A duckling swims back to Corduroy]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[laughs]'' They have water wings just like us! :''[They both begin to laugh as the duckling flaps his wings]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy looks the clean pond while Moppy goes fishing. He picks ups some pieces of trail mix and eats it. Lisa eats trail mix too and the ducklings arrived]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Looks like we made some new friends. :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Yeah. :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' The pond is so clean. Can we go swimming now? :'''Lisa''': I think we better stick to sharing our snacks with the ducks for now, Cordy. :''[The camera zooms out of the clean pond as the episode ends]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Corduroy and Rosetta gets the radio out of Lisa's bed]'' :'''Rosetta''': Voila! I told you there was a radio under there. :'''Corduroy''': Was it hiding, Rosetta? :'''Rosetta''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Lisa must have forgotten it. But now we have found it, alors. ''[turns her back and then tries to turn on the radio]'' Oh. Oh! ''[shakes her head]'' Ahem. Corduroy? A winding, if you please. :''[Corduroy picks up Rosetta and winds her up turning her wind up key. He puts Rosetta down --after winding up her key-- and Rosetta pushes a button on the radio and the orchestra music plays. Now Corduroy and Rosetta are dancing to the music. They are acting like dancers]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[while dancing to the music]'' This must be a concert. I've always wanted to go to a concert. :''[In Corduroy's imagination, Corduroy imagines that he and Rosetta are the music conductors. And Corduroy gives the orchestra band some wonderful music. A lady plays a tuba, Seven men plays the bass, A women and her husband plays the flute and a brown man plays the trumpet. Corduroy keeps playing some wonderful music. Back in reality, Lisa comes home and turns off the radio causing Corduroy and Rosetta to stop dancing]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[finds out why Lisa turns off the music]'' Why has the music stopped? :'''Rosetta''': Lisa, you turned off the radio. :'''Lisa''': There's much better music to listen to. :'''Corduroy''': ''[points to the radio that played the song which he and Rosetta were dancing to and says to Lisa that he and Rosetta like that music]'' But I like that music! :'''Lisa''': No, this music is much better, Corduroy. Trust me. ''[turns on her other radio but makes jazzy music]'' Ew! ''[changes the radio channel but makes country music this time]'' Ew, yuck! ''[one radio channel has piano music]'' Uh-uh. ''[founds a radio channel that has dance music]'' There, that's more like it. ''[shakes her head]'' :'''Corduroy''': But why do we have to like only one kind of music? :'''Rosetta''': ''[about the same music Lisa likes]'' You mean: "Why do we have to likes only the same music Lisa likes?". :'''Lisa''': That's not true. ''[to Corduroy and Rosetta]'' Oh, go ahead. ''[gives Corduroy and Rosetta the radio]'' Listen to what you want. ===Ship Ahoy / Help Wanted [1.5]=== :'''Moppy''': ''♪ Row, row, row your boat, ♪'' :''♪ Gently down the stream. ♪'' :''♪ Merrily, merrily... ♪'' :''[Moppy stops pulling the toy boat]'' :'''Moppy''': Huh? :''[Moppy sees a girl playing her electronic motor boat. The electronic motor boat drives fast through the water while a girl controls it with a remote control]'' :'''Moppy''': Hey, cool! ''[ties the end of the rope to a rock]'' Be right back, Corduroy. :''[Corduroy watches Moppy runs to a girl and then sings "[[w:Row, Row, Row Your Boat|Row, Row, Row Your Boat]]"]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[while shaking Moppy's boat]'' ''♪ Row, row, row your boat, ♪'' :''♪ Gently down the stream. ♪'' :''♪ Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, ♪'' :''♪ Life is but a dream. ♪'' :''♪ Row, row, row your boat, ♪'' :''♪ Gently down the stream. ♪'' :''♪ Merrily, merrily... ♪'' :''[Suddenly, the knot becomes lose and Corduroy floats away on Moppy's boat]'' :'''Corduroy''': I must be floating away. <hr width=50% /> :''[Corduroy is still floating away on Moppy's boat and looks excited. He looks at the refection of himself until four grey fish appeared]'' :'''Corduroy''': Hi, fishies! I don't have any food for you. We haven't had our picnic yet! :''[The four grey fishes dived into the water and Corduroy looks at the view of the park]'' :'''Corduroy''': The pond must be taking me somewhere. I wonder where I'm going. ''[the flying disc lands on the water and the golden retriever swims through the water, picks ups the flying disc and swam back to shore]'' Ohh! :''[The golden retriever shakes off all the water]'' :'''Lady''': Ahh! :'''Corduroy''': Whew! That must have been a wave. A really big wave! :''[The lady throws the flying disc and the golden retriever runs after it. The black haired man and his daughter are wearing life jackets on the boat]'' :'''Corduroy''': Maybe I should wear a life jacket too, just in case. There's one on the boat. ''[founds a floatie]'' Here it is! ''[takes the floatie and puts it on]'' That's better. :''[Moppy's toy boat floats in the middle of the pond]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy are washing their hands in the kitchen]'' :'''Lisa''': We have to clean our hands and paws before we start! :''[Lisa accidentally squirts water on Corduroy]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[laughs]'' Hey! :'''Lisa''': ''[giggles]'' Oops! <hr width=50% /> :''[After Corduroy's imagination of spreading peanut butter and grape jelly to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich --his favorite thing to have for lunch. Then the scene cuts back to him in the kitchen making them.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[continues his song "[[w:Peanut Butter|Peanut Butter]]"]'' ''♪ Peanut, peanut butter-[spoken] AND JELLY! ♪'' :''♪ Peanut, peanut butter-[spoken] AND JELLY! ♪'' :''♪ [spoken] Then you take your sandwich and you eat it, you eat it! ♪'' :''♪ [spoken] Then you take your sandwich and you eat it, you eat it! ♪'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Okay! This is going to be great! :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' What's that? :'''Lisa''': It's Lisa's Lip-Smacking Lemonade. ''[smacks her lips]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[while Lisa adds sugar to the lemonade]'' Maybe you should measure the sugar before you put it in. :'''Lisa''': Ohh! What's one or two spoons, huh? :'''Corduroy''': That's looks like a lot of sugar! :'''Lisa''': Now, here we've got some leftover macaroni, ''[dumps the uncook macaroni into the bowl]'' so I'm going to make a pasta salad. But first, I have to make the dressing. :''[Lisa takes the soy sauce, the vinegar and the other dressing out of the shelf]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Okay, vineger ''[pows the drop of vineger into the bowl]'' Soy sauce, ''[pows the drop of soy sauce into the bowl]'' Oh, Mom's favorite, hot peppers! ''[put the hot peppers into the bowl and then the coconut and the chocolate chips]'' Uh, coconut, chocolate chips. Hmm, prune juice. ''[on-screen]'' Never tried that before, but I bet it's really good. ''[pows the drop of prune juice into the bowl]'' ===Flight of Fancy / 1 + 1 = 2 [1.6]=== :''[In Corduroy's imagination, a bird fly through the sky]'' :'''Corduroy''': Hi there, Mr. Birdie. ''[The bird flies away and Corduroy rides on the kite]'' Whee! Here I go! :''[Corduroy flies his kite as a helicopter flies past]'' :'''Corduroy''': Hi! Look at me, I'm flying! :''[Corduroy flies past buildings. Three men tries to put the roof on top]'' :'''Corduroy''': One, two, three, pull! ''[The roof is now on top]'' Yeah! There you go! Into the clouds I go! Wait till I tell Lisa! <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Moppy's kite crash together]'' :'''Lisa and Moppy''': ''[gasp]'' :''[The broken kites fall into the tree]'' :'''Moppy''': Look what you did! :'''Lisa''': Me? Your kite bumped into mine! :'''Moppy''': It did not! :'''Lisa''': Did too! :'''Moppy''': Did not! :'''Lisa''': Did too! :'''Moppy''': Did not! :'''Corduroy''': Uh oh, Looks like big trouble. <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': What is a dinosaur? :'''Lisa''': Dinosaurs, they lived millions of years ago. And they were very big. :'''Corduroy''': Even bigger than Buckaroo? :''[Buckaroo lets out a neigh in response.]'' :'''Lisa''': They were a lot bigger than Buckaroo. <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination --which is to the prehistoric world-- they both meet [[w:Stegosaurus|Stegosaurus]] again and this time he's perfect. As for the "age of dinosaurs" subject, the "age of dinosaurs" is really Lisa and Corduroy's imagination from the dinosaur book. So Lisa and Corduroy are really in her dinosaur book --from the library-- meaning that they are just pretending like they are so. The Stegosaurus is actually Lisa and Corduroy's model dinosaur in disguise and not a real dinosaur. The [[w:Mesozoic era|period of time]] they are in right now is the [[w:Jurassic|Jurassic]] and [[w:Cretaceous|Cretaceous]] periods. That is, since the [[w:Tyrannosaurus Rex|Tyrannosaurus Rex]] is also encountered too.]'' :'''Corduroy''': Are you still wobbly? :'''Stegosaurus''': Nope! See? ''[shows his perfect parts]'' :'''Lisa''': Are you still cold? :'''Stegosaurus''': Not anymore. Feel my skin! So soft and warm! ''[Lisa and Corduroy feels Stegosaurus' skin and Stegosaurus begin to laugh]'' That tickles! ''[off-screen]'' Would you like to hear me roar? :'''Corduroy''': Sure! Go ahead! :''[Stegosaurus roars loudly as a flock of [[w:pterosaur|pterosaurs]] fly away. The pterosaurs were a [[w:Pterodactylus|Pterodactylus]]. Indeed, the pterosaur Pterodactylus lived in the Jurassic period. But while it was a flying reptile and not a dinosaur, it did live in the same [[w:Mesozoic Era|period of time]] as the [[w:Brachiosaurus|Brachiosaurus]], [[w:Diplodocus|Diplodocus]], and Stegosaurus. Pterosaurs lived at the same time as the dinosaurs. The Brachiosaurus was seen in Lisa's dinosaur book. The Diplodocus was encountered by Lisa and Corduroy earlier.]'' :'''Stegosaurus''': ''[laughs]'' I can roar even louder If you like. :''[Lisa and Corduroy look at each other]'' :'''Lisa''': That's okay. :'''Stegosaurus''': Maybe you like to go for a ride. :'''Corduroy''': A ride? :'''Lisa''': Sure! :'''Stegosaurus''': Just watch out for my back and tail. They're pointy. :''[Lisa and Corduroy hop on Stegosaurus' back and Stegosaurus walks away with Lisa and Corduroy]'' ===Cute as a Button / Sleep Tight [1.7]=== :'''Lisa''': Mom, can I get some new sneakers, please? :'''Lisa's Mom''': Whatever for? Yours are still in good shape. :'''Lisa''': But they don't even compare to Moppy's. He got all this neat stuff on his sneakers. Mine are just so boring! :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[thinking Lisa is trying to follow the crowd after she saw Moppy's new sneakers]'' You shouldn't place so much weight on appearances. ''[thinks Lisa is better off not following the crowd]'' Your sneakers are perfectly fine. :'''Lisa''': You mean perfectly plain! <hr width=50% /> :''[while Corduroy looks for his button, he enters the living room and he'll look for his button in here]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[looks under the couch]'' Ugh! Not under the sofa! :''[Corduroy squeezes out of the couch and he is covered in grey dust. He wipes out all the dust using his paw]'' :'''Corduroy''': Button, come out, come out, wherever you are! ''[sneezes]'' :''[Corduroy wipes his nose using his paw. He finds a white checker piece and --at first-- mistakes it for an overalls button.]'' :'''Corduroy''': There you are! ''[the camera pans in to the white checker piece]'' You're not my button. You're from Lisa's checker game. :''[Corduroy walks to a red sofa to believe that he found his button.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[grunts; gasping]'' Why, here's my button! Here's lot of my buttons! :''[Corduroy gets on the sofa and goes over to one of the button and tries to pull it off when he --like the checker piece-- mistakes the button on the sofa for an overalls button. But it's tied town tight like all the others]'' :'''Corduroy''': They're all tied down tight! Whoa! Oof! :''[Corduroy crashes into a lamp and it falls down off-screen]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[After Lisa sews the overalls button on Corduroy's overalls.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[to Corduroy]'' I like you the way you are. But you are going to be more comfortable with your shoulder strap fastened. <hr width=50% /> :''[In Corduroy's imagination, he went to a dark, cool cave until he meet a friendly bear.]'' :'''Corduroy''': Uh, hello? :'''Bear''': ''[gasping]'' You're a bear! :'''Corduroy''': Uh-huh! ''[gulps]'' You're not going to eat me, are you? :'''Bear''': No, of course not. I thought you might like to sit and have some tea and muffins with me. ''[sighs sadly]'' Oh, it's because I look scary, isn't it? :'''Corduroy''': Are you? :'''Bear''': No! I'm perfectly nice! ''[off-screen]'' I've been practicing laughing and smiling, ''[on-screen]'' so if anyone came and visited me in my dark, cool cave, they wouldn't be afraid! But hardly anybody anybody ever comes to visit me. ''[growling]'' See why? :'''Corduroy''': Uh-huh. :'''Bear''': You don't think I look scary? :'''Corduroy''': Well, at first I did. Talking to you, I know you're not scary. Not scary at all! :'''Bear''': ''[looking at a refection of himself]'' What's inside is what counts, right? :'''Corduroy''': ''[to Bear]'' That's right! <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Corduroy, you silly bear! :'''Corduroy''': ''[pretends to be a real bear]'' Roar! :'''Lisa''': ''[sees that Corduroy was imitating a real bear roaring]'' We can play later, Cordy, but first I have to get this tent set up. Moppy's going to be here any minute. :'''Corduroy''': Moppy's coming here? :'''Lisa''': ''[while finishing setting up the tent]'' He's staying for a sleepover. :'''Corduroy''': ''[peeks into the tent]'' A sleepover? ''[walks to Lisa]'' I want to have a sleepover, too! :'''Lisa''': Okay, you can have the bedroom. :'''Corduroy''': ''[jumps for joy]'' Yay, I'm going to have a sleepover! ''[giggling]'' Lisa? :'''Lisa''': Yes? :'''Corduroy''': What's a sleepover? :'''Lisa''': ''[explains to Corduroy about a sleepover]'' It's kinda of like a party, where your friends come over and stay all night. You get to play games and stay up late. :'''Corduroy''': That sounds like fun! I know who I'm going to have at my sleepover! ''[leaves Lisa's tent while giggling]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Moppy's Dad''': Well, so far so good. :'''Moppy's Mom''': ''[to Lisa's Mom about Moppy's first night at Lisa's place for a sleepover]'' This is his his first night away from home. We've worried he might get a little... :'''Moppy''': ''[off-screen; believing that he could stay at Lisa's place for a week]'' Wow! I could stay here for a whole week! :'''Moppy's Mom''': ''[giggling]'' Homesick. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa went to her bedroom until she realizes Corduroy is having his own sleepover]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[thinks Corduroy, Buckaroo, and Rosetta are in her room --though they had gone out to Lisa's tent]'' On second thought, maybe Cordy did want to have his own sleepover. Then maybe I shouldn't bother him. ''[yawns]'' :''[Lisa turns her back to the bedroom door and went to the living room until she finds Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo in her tent]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen; to Corduroy, Buckaroo, and Rosetta]'' What are you (three) doing here? :'''Corduroy''': ''[about why he, Buckaroo, and Rosetta could not sleep even though he wanted to have his own sleepover]'' We missed you! :'''Buckaroo''': ''[also about why he couldn't sleep]'' We couldn't get to sleep! :'''Rosetta''': ''[adds her reason about not being able to get to sleep]'' Je ne comprends pas! I do not understand! :''[Rosetta notes that she tried singing Corduroy a lullaby to help him go to sleep but that didn't work.]'' :'''Rosetta''': Even my singing (on a lullaby) did not help! :'''Lisa''': ''[tells them that they may not be ready to have their sleepovers yet]'' Maybe you're not ready to sleep on your own yet. :'''Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo''': Mmm-hmm. :''[Corduroy, Buckaroo, and Rosetta nod as they are now part of Lisa's sleepover. Later, the scene cuts to the living room --shown where Lisa and her toys Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo are in the tent. Lisa and her toys play with Lisa's make believe planetarium pretend to look at the stars and [[w:constellation|constellations]]. Lisa shows her toys the star constellations with her make-believe planetarium. This is shown on the black sheet that she had showed Moppy. They are having a short time playing or "short use" with the planetarium to see the stars before bedtime.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[showing Rosetta a constellation]'' Do you see that group of stars, Rosetta? ''[off-screen]'' That's [[w:Cassiopeia (constellation)|Cassiopeia]]. But I think she looks more like a mouse. :''[Cassiopeia's nose twinkles. Rosetta --when she sees the mouse constellation-- reacts to it.]'' :'''Rosetta''': Did you hear that? I look just like a queen! :'''Lisa''': ''[showing Buckaroo a constellation]'' Do you see that group of stars over there, Buckaroo? That's [[w:Pegasus (constellation)|Pegasus the Horse]]. :''[Pegasus's right eye twinkles. Pegasus the horse does look like Buckaroo the rocking horse. Buckaroo --when he sees the Pegasus the Horse constellation-- mimics a real horse neighing.]'' :'''Buckaroo''': I like that one! :'''Corduroy''': Is there a bear anywhere? :'''Lisa''': ''[shows Corduroy two constellations]'' Actually, there are two bears. ''[off-screen]'' There's [[w:Ursa Minor|Ursa Minor]] --he's the little bear. And that one over there, that's [[w:Ursa Major|Ursa Major]] --he's the big bear. :''[Lisa shows out the final two constellations before everyone goes to bed.]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[to Lisa about the bear constellations --Ursa Minor and Ursa Major]'' Someday, I'm going to be a big bear. Right, Lisa? :''[After the last constellation, Lisa puts the flashlight down, turns off the flashlight and takes down the black sheet planetarium so everyone stops playing and are led to go to bed. Corduroy is now in bed has told himself he is going to be a big bear like Ursa Minor and Ursa Major]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[tucks Corduroy into bed]'' You're already a big bear, Cordy. :'''Corduroy''': Good night, Lisa. :'''Lisa''': Sleep tight, Cordy. :''[Lisa, Corduroy, Rosetta, and Buckaroo are fallen fast asleep. Then the curtains closed the tent as the episode ends]'' ===Toothache / Mop Top [1.8]=== :'''Moppy''': You want to hear a joke? :'''Lisa''': Sure. :'''Moppy''': Knock, knock. :'''Lisa''': Who's there? :'''Moppy''': Amos. :'''Lisa''': Amos who? :'''Moppy''': A mosquito just bit me! ''[laughs]'' :''[Lisa starts to laughs until she feels tooth because she now has a bad toothache]'' :'''Moppy''': Usually everyone laughs when I tell them that one. :'''Lisa''': The joke's funny, but this toothache isn't. :'''Moppy''': Toothache?! :'''Lisa''': I'll tell my mom as soon as I get home (to the building). :'''Moppy''': You're gonna tell your mom?! :'''Lisa''': Sure, why not? (What can go bad?) :'''Moppy''': Because she'll make you go to the dentist. :'''Lisa''': So? I've been to the dentist lots of times. It's no big deal. :'''Moppy''': It is a big deal if you've got a toothache. :'''Lisa''': What do you mean? :'''Moppy''': ''[tells Lisa a story about when Moppy himself got a little toothache last year and about his older/younger brother who also went to the dentist]'' Last year I had a little toothache and I ended up getting three fillings! See? ''[shows Lisa his teeth fillings]'' And he froze my mouth with a needle this long! :''[Lisa gulps in horror.]'' :'''Moppy''': ''[he continues his story]'' Then my brother went to the dentist because he had a toothache too! <big>'''AND THE DENTIST PULLED HIS (MY BROTHER'S) TOOTH RIGHT OUT!'''</big> :''[Lisa is shocked about Moppy's story. Because he --Moppy-- and his brother both had an experience at the dentist when they both had toothaches.]'' :'''Lisa''': I thought the dentist would just make it feel better (on you and your brother). :'''Moppy's Dad''': Make what feel better? :'''Lisa''': Well...! Oh, nothing. <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa's room, Corduroy is riding on Buckaroo]'' :'''Corduroy''': Giddy up! ''[laughs]'' :''[Lisa enters her room and finds Corduroy who is rocking Buckaroo too fast]'' :'''Lisa''': Corduroy? What are you doing? :'''Corduroy''': I'm riding on Buckaroo! ''[stops rocking Buckaroo]'' :'''Lisa''': How many times have I told you not to rock so fast? :'''Buckaroo''': ''[sighs; tells Lisa about her warning about Corduroy not rocking him too fast]'' I've tried telling him. (And he won't just listen.) :'''Lisa''': You're going to have to be more careful or else you're going to --ow-- hurt yourself. :'''Corduroy''': What's wrong? :'''Lisa''': I have a toothache. :'''Corduroy''': Can't you get it fixed? :'''Lisa''': I think I'll wait for it to get better on its own. ''[finds some library books]'' Oh, I left some books in the living room. Be right back, Cordy. Mom's taking us to the library. ''[leaves her bedroom and close the door]'' :'''Corduroy''': Okay, giddy up, Buckaroo! :'''Buckaroo''': But Lisa said... Oh, all right. :'''Corduroy''': Faster! You can do it! ''[falls off Buckaroo]'' Whoa! Ow! :'''Buckaroo''': ''[gasps; to Corduroy]'' Are you all right? :'''Corduroy''': ''[gets up and sees that he has scraped his elbow]'' I think I scratched my elbow. ''[to Buckaroo]'' You aren't gonna tell Lisa are you? :'''Buckaroo''': Hmm... <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Lisa? :'''Lisa''': Cordy, what happened? :'''Corduroy''': ''[about how he fell off Buckaroo and scraped his elbow yesterday]'' I hurt it yesterday when I fell off Buckaroo. I was riding him to fast. :''[Lisa --unaware of the fact that her toothache is still there-- becomes concerned about Corduroy's injury when he --Corduroy-- rocked on Buckaroo the rocking horse too fast and fell off of him.]'' :'''Lisa''': You should have told me right away. :''[Lisa picks up Corduroy.]'' :'''Lisa''': Come on, I'll fix it up for you. :''[In the bathroom, Lisa --despite still feeling her toothache-- puts the bandage on Corduroy's scraped and cut elbow.]'' :'''Lisa''': There. How does it feel? :'''Corduroy''': ''[feels the bandage on his cut after he fell off Buckaroo]'' Much better. :''[Corduroy, he hugs Lisa.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[feels the toothache]'' Ow! :'''Corduroy''': Sorry, I must have squeezed too hard. :'''Lisa''': ''[to Corduroy while feeling her tooth]'' It's not your fault. It's my tooth. :'''Corduroy''': Didn't get better on its own? :'''Lisa''': ''[about her toothache]'' I was hoping it would but it's getting worse! It hurts when I eat something hot, it hurts when I eat something cold, it hurts when I laugh, and it hurts when I sleep! :''[Lisa walks around as she talks about her toothache. Then she goes over to Corduroy. That is, despite his injury being healed after falling off Buckaroo.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[turns to Corduroy about it]'' But now it even hurts when you hug me! :'''Corduroy''': What are you going to do? :'''Lisa''': ''[sadly --and to answer Corduroy's question]'' Something that I should have done a long time ago! :''[Later, the scene cuts to where Lisa and Corduroy are in the living room with Lisa's mom. Lisa is going tell her mom the truth about her toothache.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Lisa when she had not admitted the truth yet about her toothache and not yet had told her about it in the first place]'' Why didn't you tell me sooner? :'''Lisa''': I would have but I was afraid of the giant needle. :'''Lisa Mom''': The giant needle? :'''Lisa''': It's this long! :'''Lisa's Mom''': Mm, and where did you hear about this? :'''Lisa''': Moppy. :'''Lisa's Mom''': I'm pretty sure Moppy's exaggerating. :'''Lisa''': Why would he do that? :'''Lisa's Mom''': I know he didn't mean any harm. Sometimes when you worried about something your mind exaggerates things like the size of a needle. :'''Lisa''': You mean it's not this big? :'''Lisa's Mom''': More like this small. The needle is just meant to keep you from being uncomfortable. You can hardly feel it. :'''Lisa''': And I'm not going to get my teeth pulled out either? :'''Lisa's Mom''': Your teeth pulled out? Goodness, no. Whoever told you? :''[Lisa's mom thinks that Lisa have heard that from Moppy.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': Let me guess. :''[Lisa and her mom started to laugh.]'' :'''Lisa and Lisa's Mom''': Moppy. :''[They continue to laugh. But Lisa's tooth hurts when she laughs. And she --Lisa-- says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[in pain]'' Ow! <hr width=50% /> :'''Dentist''': ''[before starting the said dentist checkup]'' But first ''[takes Corduroy out of Lisa's knapsack and hands him to Lisa]'', having your bear (Corduroy) nearby may make you feel more comfortable. <hr width=50% /> :'''Dentist''': There's no need to be nervous. I'm just going to take a picture of your teeth. :'''Lisa''': I like getting my picture taken. :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Me too. :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's first imagination, they're in a photo booth getting their picture taken]'' :'''Lisa''': Not like that, Cordy. ''[giggles]'' Like this! ''[makes a funny face]'' Aaahhh. :''[The camera from the booth takes a picture of Lisa and Corduroy making funny faces]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's second imagination, the waiter give Lisa plate of spaghetti and red sauce]'' :'''Lisa''': It looks delicious. :'''Waiter''': And for you, sir. Enjoy. ''[he leaves]'' :'''Corduroy''': Mm! ''[slurps]'' :''[Corduroy takes out a fork and eats a bit spaghetti and swallows it. He and Lisa laugh]'' <hr width=50% /> ===Art Smart / A Hot Day in the City [1.9]=== :''[At the art gallery --Lisa's mom's art gallery-- with Lisa, Corduroy, and Rosetta, Corduroy is playing with the art as he jumps up and down when he's trying to climb on the statue until Lisa picks him up. At this, Corduroy thinks that he and Rosetta can do anything they want in the art gallery just because no one else is in it nor using it. So when Corduroy asks Lisa to "help him climb the statue", Lisa picks him up thinking she might do so. Corduroy, he says...!]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[laughing]'' Help me up, please! :''[As Corduroy says this, he is trying to get Lisa to help him climb on the statue as he jokingly wants to climb it. But Lisa, she says...!] :'''Lisa''': ''[knows the truth about the "HANDS OFF" signs --meaning "look but don't touch"]'' Sorry, Cordy. No can do. :''[Lisa calls to Rosetta who is also playing on the art. Rosetta is swinging on the red ropes.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[turns to Rosetta]'' Come on down (from the red ropes), Rosetta. :'''Rosetta''': ''[believing the art gallery is closed for today]'' But the art gallery is closed today. No? :''[Rosetta also thinks that she and Corduroy can do anything they want in the art gallery.]'' :'''Rosetta''': That means we have the whole place to ourselves! :'''Lisa''': ''[to Rosetta]'' (Not quite, Rosetta.) It's great that Mom is letting us wander around while she's working. :''[Lisa continues to Corduroy and Rosetta about the art gallery and its rules. She says it is for everyone and talks to them about the ropes in the gallery.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[to Rosetta about the ropes]'' But those ropes aren't for playing. ''[then to Corduroy about the art sculptures]'' And neither is this art. :'''Corduroy''': I'm not supposed to play here? :'''Lisa''': Uh-uh. These red ropes are for keeping people from getting too close to the art. It means look but don't touch. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa sees Corduroy is covered with clay while building his own sculpture.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[playfully laughs]'' Careful, Corduroy! :''[Lisa cleans the wet clay off Corduroy's head with a wet rag.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[in between laughs]'' If you don't you might become Clay-duroy! :''[Lisa resumes laughing. Lisa, she --funnily warns Corduroy-- and gives him a nickname to be a parody of his name. She --after she says this "If you don't, you may become 'Clay-duroy'!"-- replaces the first syllable --or "prefix"-- "Cor" in his name --which is "Corduroy"-- with "Clay". And --with the new syllable "Clay"-- she repronounces it as "Clay-duroy" for a new name on him. That is, if he is not careful and is seen covered with clay. So he --Corduroy-- is going to be "Clayduroy" forever. That is, if he is covered in clay and the clay doesn't wash off. Then she notes about the sculpture that Corduroy made.]'' :'''Lisa''': Your sculpture's really taking shape. :'''Rosetta''': What about my painting, Lisa? :'''Lisa''': It's really good. :'''Corduroy''': It's nice. :'''Rosetta''': ''[about her painting and Corduroy's sculpture; and thinks that Lisa likes Corduroy's sculpture better than her painting]'' Good? Nice? Mais non, it's more than good or nice. It's...! It's a...! :''[To be a parody of the word "masterpiece", Rosetta replaces the first syllable --prefix-- "mas" in the word "masterpiece" with "mouse". Then she repronounces it as "mouse-terpiece". Again, see nickname in next quote.]'' :'''Rosetta''': A Mouse-terpiece! :''[The red paint from the paintbrush lands on Rosetta's face.]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Rosetta''': That is not fair! Lisa can't love both my painting and Corduroy's sculpture at the same time. If only I was in a place where people could truly appreciate my art. :''[In Rosetta's imagination, the people who are in the art gallery are looking at Rosetta's paintings]'' :'''Man''': ''[off-screen]'' Oh, Rosetta's colours! :'''Women''': ''[off-screen]'' Her shapes! :'''Man and Women''': ''[on-screen]'' Very, very nice! :'''Man #2''': ''[off-screen]'' Rosetta's a very good artiste. :'''Women #2''': ''[off-screen]'' Yes. But have you seen the bear's sculpture? :''[Rosetta is shocked]'' :'''Rosetta''': No! Corduroy's work is better than mine?! (Oh-no!) :''[Rosetta watches the people leave as they to see Corduroy's sculpture. She drives all the way to the top of the art work sees Corduroy's sculpture]'' :'''Rosetta''': Ah! :'''Lisa's Mom''': Notice the fine lines, the perfect shape. A magnificent piece of work. Outstanding. :''[The people cheered and clapped for Corduroy as he yawns]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': Indeed, this sculpture by the artist Corduroy is this art gallery's greatest, most important masterpiece. :''[Rosetta looks very shocked of Corduroy's sculpture]'' :'''Lisa''': Don't you just love it? :''[Rosetta has an unhappy expression]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[After the incident, Rosetta gets back on the art table and looks at her ruined painting after she --with her jealousy-- ruined her painting and broke Corduroy's sculpture.]'' :'''Rosetta''': ''[finds her painting ruined by herself]'' Look! I ruined my painting! <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy are in the playground trying to make the swings move]'' :'''Lisa''': Do you want to ride the teeter totter, Cordy? :'''Corduroy''': It is too hot to play. :'''Lisa''': I know. It's even hotter than yesterday. ''[huffs]'' :'''Corduroy''': It's the hottest day ever. :''[Lisa pulls out the grass and throws to see if the breeze is coming but it didn't came. From this point, Lisa and Corduroy see it is way too hot and do not know that this heat can melt any frozen things]'' :'''Lisa''': There isn't even a breeze to cool us off. :'''Corduroy''': My fur is making me even hotter. :'''Lisa''': Let's go home, Cordy. It's air-conditioned there. :'''Corduroy''': Will it be nice and cool? :'''Lisa''': And on the way back, we can visit...! :'''Corduroy''': The sweet shop? <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa comes home until she feel the hot heat from inside instead of the breeze from the air-conditioner]'' :'''Lisa''': Huh? :'''Corduroy''': ''[panting]'' I'm still hot. :'''Lisa''': What's wrong with the air conditioning? :'''Lisa's Mom''': It hasn't been working for most of the day. :'''Lisa''': Can I go over to Moppy's to get cool? :'''Lisa's Mom''': I'm afraid the air conditioning is broken down for the whole building. Pandro's trying to fix it. :''[Lisa puts down her knapsack down to the floor and puts Corduroy on the sofa's handle]'' :'''Lisa''': Can we go to the beach? :'''Lisa's Mom''': Sorry. The beach is quite a distance away, hon. By the time we get there, it'll be evening. :'''Lisa''': Oh... <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination, they're at the beach and they both finished the sandcastle]'' :'''Lisa''': A castle fit for a king. :'''Corduroy''': Someday I want to be a king. :'''Lisa''': Well, King Corduroy, do you want to go beachcombing? :'''Corduroy''': Beachcombing? (What's beachcombing?) :'''Lisa''': We'll look for seashells and other neat stuff (along the way). :'''Corduroy''': You mean like a treasure hunt? :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Sort of. ''[on-screen]'' Come on. :''[Corduroy follows Lisa. Lisa and Corduroy's footprints are shown on the sand as Lisa and Corduroy went to collect seashells. as Corduroy puts shells into the bucket, he sees a conch shell laying on the beach]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[to Lisa when he finds a conch shell]'' Look! :''[The camera zooms in to a conch shell. Corduroy runs through the beach and picks the conch shell with his paws]'' :'''Lisa''': Wow, that's a real big one. Try blowing it. :''[Corduroy blows on the conch shell making a "very" long note]'' :'''Corduroy''': Whoa! What more could a bear ask for? :'''Lisa''': ''[sees another shell in the distance]'' Look how pretty that shell is. :''[Another shell lays on the sandy beach. Corduroy touches the shell and it started to move]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[laughs as he fell backwards]'' Hey! ''[laughing]'' This one moves. :''[A hermit crab (who is inside the shell) continues to crawl through the sandy beach until Lisa picks him up and she looks inside his shell]'' :'''Lisa''': It's a hermit crab. :''[The hermit crab comes out of his shell with a grumpy expression]'' :'''Lisa''': See? He's hiding. :'''Corduroy''': He doesn't look very happy (today). :'''Lisa''': I think he looks kind of crabby. :''[Lisa and Corduroy begin to laugh with joy. Then Lisa put the hermit crab on the sandy beach and the hermit crab crawls away from Lisa and Corduroy so he can join in the other crabs]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Whoa, it's a whole bunch of crabbies! :''[Lisa and Corduroy started laughing again as the hermit crab went into the ocean. Suddenly, a baby sea turtle pops out of the sand after it hatched out from an egg]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Look, Corduroy. It's a baby (sea) turtle. :''[The baby sea turtle crawls to the ocean]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Where's it going? :'''Lisa''': Into the ocean. That's where it's going to grow up. :'''Corduroy''': ''[to Lisa as he watches the baby sea turtle goes into the ocean]'' Someday, I want to look inside the ocean and find out what else lives there. :'''Lisa''': I'd like that, too. Feel that ocean breeze? :''[Lisa and Corduroy sigh together]'' :'''Corduroy''': It's so nice and cool. ===Yours, Mine and Ours / Say Cheese [1.10]=== :'''Lisa''': ''[knocking on the door]'' Moppy! Moppy, hurry up! The block party's already started! :'''Moppy''': ''[opens the door; laughs]'' I know. My mom just took the cheese fondue down a minute ago! :'''Lisa''': Ready to go? :'''Moppy''': Are you kidding? I skipped breakfast so I'd have more room for all the free food! ''[feels his stomach]'' I'm gonna stuff myself silly! :'''Lisa''': ''[reminds Moppy never to get greedy]'' Don't get too greedy! We might want to taste, right, Cordy? :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Right! <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': ''[to Ice Cream Man]'' Hi, two cones, please! :'''Ice Cream Man''': ''[chuckling]'' So, how about one at a time? It's so hot, the second one will melt before you even get to it. Or is one for your little bear? :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling]'' Of course they're not for me. One is for my friend back there. :''[When Lisa says, "One ice cream cone is for my friend back there", she is referring to an ice cream cone for Corduroy. Moppy has had four ice cream cones. Then he --for a hiding place and to avoid being caught-- runs behind a lady and tries to hide behind her. That is, to avoid his guilty conscience. But the lady, she walks away. That is, allowing Moppy to get caught by the ice cream man.]'' :'''Moppy''': Uh-oh! :''[The ice cream man successfully catches Moppy. That is, after seeing that he has had four ice cream cones already.]'' :'''Moppy''': Uh...! :'''Ice Cream Man''': <big>'''HEY YOU!'''</big> :''[The ice cream man turns to Lisa.]'' :'''Ice Cream Man''': ''[to Lisa]'' <big>'''HE HAS EATEN FOUR ICE CREAM CONES ALREADY! FOUR!'''</big> :''[The ice cream man is mad.]'' :'''Ice Cream Man''': ''[turns back to Moppy]'' <big>'''WELL NO MORE, YOU GREEDY LITTLE BOY!'''</big> :''[The ice cream man wheels away after stating that Moppy must not have another ice cream cone after already having four. And what is worse, it is that Moppy did not even pay for any of the ice cream cones. That is, and he just sampled on them.]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': Hi, Lisa! :'''Lisa''': ''[turns to Corduroy]'' Shh! :'''Corduroy''': What are you doing? :'''Lisa''': I'm taking pictures! :'''Corduroy''': ''[whispering]'' Why do you have to be quiet to take pictures? :'''Lisa''': Because I want to take surprise pictures, starting with Mom first. Shh! :''[Corduroy is trying to be quiet. To be quiet, he covers his mouth by using both his paws. When Corduroy is not looking, Lisa sneaks to her mother's bedroom and goes on to her out of no where without her mother's permission with taking pictures. She finds her folding clothes while having curlers and face cream on. Then she makes ready to take her mother's picture. She sneakily smiles at her mother and whips out her camera to take the picture.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[takes her mother's picture with the camera]'' Say cheese! :''[Lisa snaps the picture on her mother.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[gasps]'' Ooh! :''[Lisa's Mom looks side to side where the loud click came from, then sees Lisa with the camera. Lisa laughs. Then she says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[in between laughs]'' Got ya! :''[Then Lisa resumes laughing. And she taunts her mother. Even though Lisa thought it was funny, her mother does not think it's very funny. The picture --offscreen-- that Lisa snapped on her mom shows her mom's embarrassed face. That is, with her mom's face having curlers and face cream on.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[becomes surprised]'' <big>'''LISA, YOU HAVE SCARED THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF ME!'''</big> :'''Lisa''': Sorry, Mom. But this makes a great picture. See you later! :''[Lisa runs away with the picture she snapped on her mother.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[As Pandro is eating a hamburger for lunch, a mouse peeks out of the mouse hole and smells the hamburger. Bread crumbs from the hamburger bun fell on the floor as the mouse spots them. Pandro is about to take another bite until he spots the mouse staring at him and his hamburger]'' :'''Pandro''' Mouse! :'''Lisa''': ''[takes Pandro's picture with the camera]'' Say cheese! :''[Pandro stands on the chair as the mouse flees away holding a bread crumb with its mouth]'' :'''Pandro''': ''[spots Lisa who already takes a picture of him]'' Hey, did you just take a picture of me? :'''Lisa''': It's going to be a great shot, Pandro. Bye! ''[runs out of the shed]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa sits down on the stair case while looking at the pictures that she took today]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling]'' Wow, these are great! :'''Moppy's Mom''': ''[arrives at the building carrying groceries]'' Hi, Lisa! How are your photos turning out? :'''Lisa''': Even better than I thought! ''[shows Moppy's Mom the photos]'' :''[Lisa gives Moppy's Mom the pictures and she finds one that Lisa snapped on her when her apron is covered in chocolate icing after she and Moppy's Dad made the cake. She finds another picture when she and Moppy's Dad are covered in the cake which they accidentally had ruined]'' :'''Moppy's Mom''': ''[about the smashed and ruined cake in the picture]'' Oh, (on Moppy's Dad and I), that cake (which we baked) could have tasted much better on a plate, instead of on our clothes. :'''Lisa''': What do you think? :'''Moppy's Mom''': Well, Moppy's Dad and I, we look pretty silly, don't you think? :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling]'' Funny, isn't it? :'''Moppy's Mom''': Well... :''[Pandro opens the door and walks down the stairs]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[to Pandro]'' Pandro, I got a great picture of you here, too! :'''Moppy's Mom''': I'd better get these groceries inside. Bye, Lisa. Bye, Pandro. ''[went inside]'' :''[Lisa gives Pandro a picture. Pandro gasps when he sees one that Lisa snapped on him when he hides from the mouse]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[showing Pandro the mouse]'' Look, there's the mouse you were hiding from! :'''Pandro''': ''[finds the mouse on the picture]'' Oh, yes, there it is. Right in the picture. :''[The scene cuts to where Lisa holds a picture of Moppy doing a dance move who is completely chaotic]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Check it out, Moppy! :'''Moppy''': ''[practicing his dance move while kicking a ball]'' I'm busy, Lise. :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling]'' Come on, it's pretty funny. :'''Moppy''': No thanks, I don't need to look at pictures of me looking silly. :'''Lisa''': ''[as her frown becomes upside down]'' Okay, fine! <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa gets home from taking pictures. She has taken pictures on her mother, Moppy's parents, Pandro, and Moppy again. That is, even though they were doing something which was private. Indeed, Lisa was snooping through their privacy. The scene then cuts to her mother while reading her book in the kitchen at the kitchen table is looking rather embarrassed. Because what Lisa did was snapping photos on everyone in the building without their permission including her mother too when she privately had curlers and face cream on in the morning]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[to her mother]'' You want to see the pictures that I took today? :''[Lisa's Mom is not happy about Lisa's "snapping pictures" behavior in the building.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Lisa]'' I'm hearing that you've snapped all sorts of photos around here. I am very curious to see how they turned out. :''[As Lisa's Mom is looking through the pictures that Lisa took around the building.]'' :'''Lisa''': I know you may like my pictures, Mom. ''[about Moppy]'' Moppy, he does not think it is right to sneak up on people to take surprise pictures. :''[Lisa's Mom looks through the pictures. After going through them, she then finds the picture that Lisa snapped on her earlier in the morning when she had curlers and face cream on. The picture reveals to showing Lisa's Mom in an embarrassed look to after Lisa took a picture of her; and right after Lisa invaded her privacy. The picture that her mother reveals is a picture of her with curlers and face cream on and an awkward face when Lisa took her picture.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[looks at the picture]'' Oh...! :''[Lisa's Mom looks at the picture --after she found the one picture that Lisa snapped on her-- then turns back to Lisa.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': I can see why. You took these pictures without getting people's permission first. :'''Lisa''': Mm-hmm. :'''Lisa's Mom''': That is an invasion of their privacy. :'''Lisa''': You mean, you do not like them either? :'''Lisa's Mom''': No, Lisa. I don't. They may be good photographs. But they aren't very nice ones. :'''Lisa''': Well, I think everyone in the building is a little too touchy around here. I am going to go put my pictures into an album. :''[Lisa runs off with the pile of pictures and into her room. Lisa's mom sits at the dining room table and takes out the photo of herself with face cream on --and an awkward expression-- then looks at it.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[When Lisa enters her room, she finds Corduroy snooping through her private stuff from her treasure chest. Corduroy had gotten Rosetta and Buckaroo to go in it so he could play pirates with them and use Lisa's treasure chest of private things as a treasure chest. But he was the one to go in it first without permission]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[gasps]'' Corduroy! ''[off-screen]'' What are you doing in my chest? :'''Rosetta and Buckaroo''': ''[sees Lisa]'' Uh-oh! :''[The closet door closes as Lisa is going to have a word to Corduroy about her private treasure chest. But Lisa only scolds Corduroy for it then has a word with him about her "treasure chest"]'' :'''Corduroy''': What did I do? :'''Lisa''': You snooped through my stuff, my private stuff, without asking! ''[off-screen]'' You must know better (in the first place). :'''Corduroy''': ''[sadly; to Lisa cause he know he should ask her next time]'' I'm sorry, Lisa. I guess I should have asked you first. ===Once, Twice, Ice / Sticks and Stones [1.11]=== :'''Lisa''': You're not Dr. Moppy, ''[feels Moppy's hair and picks up Corduroy]'' you're Sloppy Toppy! ''[giggles]'' :'''Moppy''': ''[puts his annoyed face to Lisa]'' Dr. Sloppy Toppy. :'''Lisa''': ''[giggling while holding Corduroy]'' Sloppy Toppy! ''[laughs]'' Sloppy Toppy needs a brush to brush his hair! <hr width=50% /> :''[After Lisa left her room so she can go to Moppy's place to listen to Moppy's violin, Corduroy and Buckaroo came to life]'' :'''Corduroy''': Why couldn't you move, Buckaroo? :'''Buckaroo''': ''[to Corduroy while trying to move again]'' I don't know! I keep getting stuck! :'''Corduroy''': ''[starts to laugh]'' Stuck? :'''Buckaroo''': Yeah that's right, stuck. :'''Corduroy''': Like a Stuckaroo, Buckaroo? :'''Buckaroo''': ''[muttering]'' Er-uh...heh. :'''Corduroy''': Stuckaroo, Stuckaroo ''[jumps up and down on Lisa's bed]'' his legs and feet are made of glue! ''[off-screen]'' Funny huh? :''[Corduroy, in total has called Buckaroo, "Stuckaroo" three times]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Moppy''': You don't want it anyway. All you talk about is pizza! :'''Lisa''': ''[giggles and calls Moppy a nickname "Sloppy Toppy"]'' Sloppy Toppy! :'''Moppy''': ''[calls Lisa a nickname back --in sense that Lisa is thinking about having pizza for lunch]'' Lisa Pizza! :''[Lisa then stops laughing and lets out a gasp after what Moppy just called her. Moppy had called Lisa a nickname. That is, which is "Lisa Pizza". Lisa gasps and says...!]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[wants to know what Moppy called her]'' (Wait...?!) What did you call me?! :'''Moppy''': ''[still thinking it's funny, he repeats the nickname and says it four times at this]'' Lisa Pizza, Lisa Pizza, Lisa Pizza! :''[At first Lisa becomes awkward about the nickname --which was "Lisa Pizza"-- spoken by Moppy. But then looks rather upset right after Moppy calls her "Lisa Pizza". Meanwhile, the scene cuts to Lisa's room where Corduroy is trying to pull Buckaroo with a rope because Buckaroo's rockers can't move]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[after trying his best to make Buckaroo move again]'' Not again! :'''Buckaroo''': Mmm. ''[sees his rockers who are still stuck]'' I can't help it if my rockers are stuck. :'''Corduroy''': I guess. But that's because you're, ''[calls Buckaroo --for a fourth time-- a nickname "Stuckaroo"]'' Stuckaroo! ''[laughing]'' :'''Buckaroo''': That's, Buckaroo. (Not Stuckaroo.) :'''Corduroy''': ''[repeats the nickname for a fifth time]'' Buckaroo the Stuckaroo, his legs and feet are made of glue! :''[Corduroy has said "Stuckaroo" two more times at this. In total, he has said this name on Buckaroo five times]'' :'''Buckaroo''': Well, you're, you're...! ''[calls Corduroy a nickname back; in sense that Corduroy is pretending that he has a cast on his head from the pretend game "doctor" which he was playing with Lisa and Moppy on]'' You're a Boo-Boo Head! :''[Corduroy then stops laughing and lets out a gasp after what Buckaroo just called him. Buckaroo --after seeing Corduroy's pretend cast-- said that Corduroy was a "Boo-Boo Head". Meanwhile, the scene cuts back to Moppy's place where Lisa is still rather upset when Moppy called her "Lisa Pizza". Lisa knows what she just heard from Moppy when he said that nickname.]'' :'''Moppy''': ''[to Lisa; as he whips out an imaginary camera and forces her to smile at the "camera"]'' Hey, Lisa Pizza...! Smile for the camera! Say cheese! Get it? Pizza?! Cheese?! :''[Lisa pushes the kitchen table chair and stands up because she's going home]'' :'''Lisa''': It's not that funny. I'm going! :'''Moppy''': But what about your sandwich? Aren't you gonna eat it? :'''Lisa''': <big>'''I RATHER GO HOME THAN BEING CALLED "LISA PIZZA"!'''</big> :'''Moppy''': ''[gasping]'' <big>'''WELL, I RATHER GO HOME THAN BEING CALLED "SLOPPY TOPPY"!'''</big> :'''Lisa''': <big>'''(WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!) YOU ARE HOME!'''</big> :'''Moppy''': <big>'''OH YEAH?! WELL, I DO NOT LIKE BEING CALLED "SLOPPY TOPPY"! THAT IS, WHEREVER I AM!'''</big> :'''Lisa''': <big>'''OKAY, FINE!'''</big> :'''Moppy''': <big>'''FINE!'''</big> :''[Lisa opens the door as she exits Moppy's place. Then she angrily shuts the door.]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': ''[crying because Moppy called her "Lisa Pizza"]'' I don't like being called "Lisa Pizza". :'''Lisa's Mom''': I know, hon. <hr width=50% /> :''[In the kitchen from Moppy's place, Moppy haven't touched nor eaten his "Sloppy Toppy" sandwich because he was feeling rather upset when Lisa called him a bad name; which was "Sloppy Toppy". Lisa opens the door and finds Moppy sitting on the kitchen table all alone]'' :'''Lisa''': Hi, Moppy, can I come in? :'''Moppy''': ''[sadly]'' I guess. :''[Lisa closes the door and sits on a kitchen table chair]'' :'''Lisa''': You hardly touched your sandwich (you made for yourself). :'''Moppy''': I don't feel like eating. :'''Lisa''': I know what you mean. ''[apologizing Moppy]'' I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. ''[tells Moppy that she will not call him "Sloppy Toppy" again]'' I won't call you "Sloppy Toppy" ever again. :'''Moppy''': ''[apologizing Lisa that he will not call her "Lisa Pizza" anymore]'' And I won't call you "Lisa Pizza" anymore. :''[Lisa smiles at Moppy. In Lisa's room, Buckaroo is looking outside the window all alone. Corduroy peeks from Lisa's bedroom door and finds Buckaroo all alone]'' :'''Corduroy''': Hi, Buckaroo. :'''Buckaroo''': ''[thinks that Corduroy is still calling him a bad name; which was "Stuckaroo"]'' What did you say? :'''Corduroy''': I said, "Hi, Buckaroo". :'''Buckaroo''': You're not going to call me, that name anymore? :'''Corduroy''': No more (bad) name calling. ''[apologizing Buckaroo]'' Sorry. :'''Buckaroo''': ''[apologizing Corduroy for calling him a bad name earlier; which was "Boo-Boo Head"]'' Well, I shouldn't have called you a Boo-Boo Head. ===Super Duper Market / Party Plans [1.12]=== :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[reminds Lisa to add carrots to the list while checking the refrigerator]'' Could you add carrots please? :'''Lisa''': ''[spelling the word, "Carrots"]'' C-A-R-R-O-T-S. Carrots, got it! :'''Lisa's Mom''': And we're going to need more eggs if we're going to make those cupcakes! :'''Lisa''': ''[spelling the word, "Eggs"]'' E-G-G-S. Eggs. Mom, if we're going to make cupcakes, maybe we should get some candy sprinkles to put on top? :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[laughs]'' Okay. ''[closes the refrigerator door]'' I guess you better add those too. That's it then, let's get a move on. :'''Lisa''': I'm bringing Corduroy. Be right back! ''[leaves the kitchen to get Corduroy]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa''': Oooh, brrr. Lucky you've got fur, it's kind of cold here. ''[went to get a carton of eggs]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' There's food everywhere! It's not a supermarket, it's a super duper market! Where do they get all this food? :'''Lisa''': From a whole bunch of farms. :'''Corduory''': ''[thinking]'' I've always wanted to visit a farm. :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination, a herd of cows are eating grass. One cow moos]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' On the farm, there would be cows. :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Lots of cows! ''[mimics a cow mooing]'' Oh, and some chickens! :''[In the red barn, some chickens are pecking for food]'' :'''Lisa and Corduroy''': ''[singing "Lisa and Cordy had a farm"; their own version of "[[w:Old MacDonald Had a Farm|Old MacDonald Had a Farm]]"]'' ''♪ Lisa and Cordy had a farm, ♪'' :''♪ E-I-E-I-O! ♪'' :'''Lisa''': ''♪ And on their farm they had some chickens, ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' ''♪ E-I-E-I-O! ♪'' :'''Lisa''': ''♪ With a cluck cluck here, ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': ''♪ With a cluck cluck there, ♪'' :'''Lisa''': ''♪ Here a cluck, ♪'' :'''Corduroy''': ''♪ There a cluck, ♪'' :'''Lisa and Corduroy''': ''[together]'' ''♪ Everywhere a cluck cluck! ♪'' :''♪ Lisa and Cordy had a farm, ♪'' :''♪ E-I-E-I-O! ♪'' :''[Lisa and Corduroy as farmers leave the barn with a basket full of eggs]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Lisa's Mom''': You have to be more careful. ''[seriously; about the floor that is wet and slippery]'' A wet floor is a slippery floor. :'''Lisa''': Don't worry, we're okay. Right, Cordy? :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Right! :'''Lisa's Mom''': I'm glad you're okay, Lisa. ''[points to that old lady who is not being careful]'' But what if you caused that lady to slip and fall? Remember, better safe and sorry. <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen; seeing the bear-shape peanut butter jar]'' Mmm, peanut butter! :''[Corduroy stood up in the cart and tries to peanut butter. He stops and sees one that looked exactly like him]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[giggling]'' The jars look just like me! :''[Lisa blinks her eyes as she watches Corduroy trying to get the peanut butter. Corduroy grabs the jar but loses his blanace]'' :'''Corduroy''': Whoops! :''[Lisa gasps in horror when her teddy bear needed help. She quickly catches him in her hands before he and the peanut butter falls to the floor]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[catches Corduroy as he's still holding the peanut butter]'' I've got you! :'''Corduroy''': And I got the peanut butter! :''[Corduroy and Lisa begin to laugh as Lisa puts Corduroy back on the cart so he care be more careful. Then Corduroy hands the peanut butter to Lisa]'' :'''Lisa''': Can we get some peanut butter, please? For Corduroy? :'''Lisa's Mom''': Only if he promises to share. :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' I promise! :'''Lisa''': Cordy says yes. <hr width=50% /> :''[Lisa and Corduroy are talking about the dangerous acts which they were fooling around with.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[mentions one of them which was the automatic door area in the supermarket]'' Yeah. But what if the doors were mixed up when they were supposed to open? <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' Being safe is better than being sorry. :'''Lisa''': From now on, we are going to do things the safe way. Then we won't have to be sorry. :'''Corduroy''': ''[thinking]'' What more could a bear ask for? <hr width=50% /> :'''Corduroy''': ''[after his friends can't play with him today]'' Why don't they want to play with me (today)? ''[pause]'' I must be sad. I don't like being sad. :''[In Corduroy's flashback, he was sitting on a toy shelf in the toy store surrounding by toys who were also on the shelf with him. This part is loosely from the [[w:Don Freeman|Don Freeman]] book; [[w:Corduroy (book)|Corduroy]] from the Corduroy book series]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[voice over]'' I used to sad when I lived in the toy store (back then). I waited everyday (and everynight) for somebody to take me home. Then, one day--- :'''Lisa''': ''[off-screen]'' Mom, look! ''[on-screen]'' That's the very bear I've always wanted. :'''Lisa's Mom''': Not today, dear. I've spend too much already. ''[about Corduroy who doesn't look like new because he's missing a button from one of the shoulder straps]'' Besides he doesn't look new. ''[off-screen]'' He's lost the button to one of his shoulder straps. :'''Lisa''': ''[gets Corduroy out of the toy shelf]'' But he's got sparkly eyes ''[off-screen]'' and a real nice smile. ''[on-screen]'' He's perfect. ''[to her mother]'' I've saved up my own money. Can't I buy him, please? :''[In Lisa's room, Lisa opens her bedroom door and welcomes Corduroy to his new home]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[welcoming Corduroy to her bedroom from her place in the apartment]'' Welcome to your new home, Corduroy. :''[Corduroy was surprised when he sees Lisa's room for the very first time]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[off-screen]'' Wow! ''[on-screen; turns to Lisa and hugs her]'' You must be a friend, I've always wanted a friend. :'''Lisa''': ''[happily; to Corduroy]'' Me too! :''[Back in the present day, Corduroy started to sniff sadly as he begins sobbing]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[becomes heartbroken as tears rolls down his cheeks]'' Maybe nobody wants to be friends with me anymore. ''[closes the linen closet door]'' :'''NOTE''': This is the second of the two episodes (the second episode after "Mop Top") where Corduroy cries. ===Finder's Keepers / Between the Covers [1.13]=== :''[In the final episode of the TV series, what Lisa's Mom states to Lisa, it refers to the first episode from way back in the start of the said series. That is, which was "Lost and Found". After all, this episode "Finders Keepers / Between the Covers" is the final episode of the series.]'' :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[to Lisa]'' Do you remember the time when you lost Corduroy? :'''Lisa''': Yes. The subway conductor found Cordy and took him to the lost and found. :'''Lisa's Mom''': How would you have felt if that conductor decided to keep Corduroy for himself? :'''Lisa''': I guess you are right, Mom. :'''Lisa's Mom''': ''[about J.R]'' Let's check J.R's collar again. Sometimes an owner might put some identification on the other side of a pet's tag. ''[checks the other side of J.R's tag]'' Here we go. A phone number. :''[Although Lisa had not known who J.R the dog belonged to, Lisa's Mom checks the other side of J.R's collar. The other side of the collar shows his correct owner's name and the phone number to call if he gets lost. Lisa's Mom goes over to the telephone to call the phone number]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa's room, Lisa is reading the last lines and pages of the story "[[w:Goldilocks and the Three Bears|Goldilocks and the Three Bears]]" --a story from her library book.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[reading]'' And Baby Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed! And she still is!". Goldilocks, woke up at once. And she saw three bears all staring down at her. <big>"'''AAAAH!'''"</big>, screamed Goldilocks. She jumped out of Baby Bear's bed and ran out the door. And she never was seen again. Papa Bear and Mama Bear spooned some of the leftover porridge (from the porridge pot). And they put it into Baby Bear's empty bowl (after Goldilocks ate up all his porridge). Then the happy bears (who never saw Goldilocks again), they all sat down to breakfast. At last, everything was just right. (As for Goldilocks, from that day on, she never touched anything that didn't belong to her.) :'''Corduroy''': The end. :''[Lisa and Corduroy have finished their story. Indeed, according to the story --and at the end-- after Goldilocks left the bears's house, she --from then on-- never touched things that didn't belong to her again. She stopped being stubborn, traded in her tricks, and did exactly what her parents told her. As for the three bears, they put a lock on their door. And they never knew what a favor they had done for Goldilocks. In fact, they --the bears-- never saw her again. After they finish reading it, Lisa closes the book at looks at her plate of chocolate chip cookies. She finds her chocolate chip cookies almost all gone. It's just one half eaten chocolate chip cookie on the cookie plate. This is like the part from the said story --the part where Goldilocks ate up Baby Bear's porridge. As a result, Lisa and Corduroy are in a short act out from the said story in Lisa's room before going to bed. Corduroy --had all along-- eaten Lisa's cookies. That is, just like how Goldilocks from the story ate up Baby Bear's porridge.]'' :'''Lisa''': ''[recites a line from her story as she pretends to be like Baby Bear]'' Hey! (My chocolate chip cookies!) Somebody has been tasting my cookies! (And it's all gone!) :'''Corduroy''': Uh-oh...! :''[Corduroy cleans and dusts off the cookie crumbs away by using his paw after tasting Lisa's cookies and eating almost all of them like in "Goldilocks and the Three Bears".]'' :'''Corduroy''': I wonder who did that! :'''Lisa''': ''[pretends to be like Baby Bear]'' Somebody has been drinking my milk! And there is hardly any left! :'''Corduroy''': ''[giggling; has pretended to be Goldilocks when he ate up Lisa's cookies and drank up her milk]'' (It was me!) Just like in "Goldilocks and the Three Bears"! (Just like how Goldilocks did this to Baby Bear in the said story! She ate up all of Baby Bear's porridge, broke his chair, and slept in his bed!) :'''Lisa''': ''[makes her own version of the said story; calling it "Lisa Locks and the Cordy Bear"]'' It should be "Lisa-Locks and the Cordy Bear". :''[As a result, Lisa has replaced the word "Goldilocks" and "Three Bears" in "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" with "Lisa Locks" and "Cordy Bear" respectively and repronounces and renames the title "Lisa Locks and the Cordy Bear". In the imagined flashback, Lisa --who is pretending to be Goldilocks and is "Lisa Locks"-- her long hair is down and has curls. That is, just like how Goldilocks had her blonde hair in curls.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[In Lisa and Corduroy's imagination, which takes Lisa and Corduroy to the said fairy tale "Goldilocks and the Three Bears" with Lisa calling it "Lisa Locks and the Cordy Bear", Corduroy as "Baby Bear" finds Lisa-Locks in his tiny bed. This is also like in the book. That is, the part where Goldilocks slept in Baby Bear's bed. In the imagination, Lisa Locks slept in Corduroy's bed]'' :'''Corduroy''': ''[as "Baby Bear" and finds Lisa in her own version of "Goldilocks" called "Lisa Locks"]'' Hey! Somebody has been sleeping in my bed! (And there she is!) She must be Lisa Locks! ==Voice cast== * Asa Perlman as Corduroy, Lisa's stuffed bear. * Alesha Morrison as Lisa, Corduroy's owner and friend. * Camille James as Lisa's Mom. * [[w:Diane Fabian|Diane Fabian]] as Rosetta, the toy mouse. * [[w:Len Carlson|Len Carlson]] as Buckaroo, the rocking horse. * [[w:Jake Goldsbie|Jake Goldsbie]] as Marty "Moppy", Lisa's friend. ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2000s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Chinese animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:Chinese children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Treehouse TV shows]] [[Category:TVOntario shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about horses]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about mice and rats]] 7p7rled08um5mbfrwuqcep1oaxxi258 0 206304 3944757 3942878 2026-05-24T07:23:31Z Adambell0905 3328657 3944757 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== ===Songs=== * ''You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky'' ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * ''A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]]'' ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * ''You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]]'' ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * ''I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking'' ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:People from Melbourne]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] apxnt2e2mn01bdu1zj7d4ezgxn5qnma 3944758 3944757 2026-05-24T07:25:44Z Adambell0905 3328657 Sia is not from Melbourne. 3944758 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== ===Songs=== * ''You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky'' ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * ''A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]]'' ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * ''You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]]'' ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * ''I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking'' ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] dshpdgc0knldujpv52rffn9djzk6xyc 3944769 3944758 2026-05-24T07:47:10Z Adambell0905 3328657 3944769 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== * I don't really even go out that much now, except to walk my dogs, because I don't want to be recognised. I used to be a really friendly person, and now I just want to be invisible. I liked myself much more before I got famous. I was much friendlier and had more energy. ** https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/sia-furler-fame-does-not-become-her-20100617-yjdr.html The Sydney Morning Herald (18 June 2010) ==Song lyrics== * ''You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky'' ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * ''A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]]'' ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * ''You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]]'' ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * ''I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking'' ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] ah9q4uledi6gvitbq3ui3yeuzrs9ue9 3944770 3944769 2026-05-24T07:50:05Z Adambell0905 3328657 /* Quotes */ 3944770 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== * I don't really even go out that much now, except to walk my dogs, because I don't want to be recognised. I used to be a really friendly person, and now I just want to be invisible. I liked myself much more before I got famous. I was much friendlier and had more energy. ** https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/sia-furler-fame-does-not-become-her-20100617-yjdr.html The Sydney Morning Herald (18 June 2010) * If anyone besides famous people knew what it was like to be a famous person, they would never want to be famous. ** https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/my-anti-fame-manifesto-by-sia-furler-5770456/ Billboard (25 October 2013) ==Song lyrics== * ''You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky'' ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * ''A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]]'' ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * ''You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]]'' ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * ''I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking'' ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] 404ntwoe8d667jy58g8oac5uve4u7h2 3944771 3944770 2026-05-24T07:53:16Z Adambell0905 3328657 /* Quotes */ 3944771 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== * I don't really even go out that much now, except to walk my dogs, because I don't want to be recognised. I used to be a really friendly person, and now I just want to be invisible. I liked myself much more before I got famous. I was much friendlier and had more energy. ** https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/sia-furler-fame-does-not-become-her-20100617-yjdr.html The Sydney Morning Herald (18 June 2010) * If anyone besides famous people knew what it was like to be a famous person, they would never want to be famous. ** https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/my-anti-fame-manifesto-by-sia-furler-5770456/ Billboard (25 October 2013) * People say, “Enough of this shit where she doesn’t show her face,” and “It’s a gimmick.” For sure. I’m trying to do this differently, for serenity. And it’s a fun game for me as well. I have nothing to lose. But of course I want to be loved. So when people say, “Show your face, you’re not ugly.” I want to say, “I know. I’m not doing it because I think I’m ugly; I’m trying to have some control over my image. And I’m allowed to maintain some modicum of privacy. But also I would like not to be picked apart or for people to observe when I put on ten pounds or take off ten pounds or I have a hair extension out of place or my fake tan is botched.” Most people don’t have to be under that pressure, and I’d like to be one of them. I don’t want to be followed by paparazzi. I don’t go on Twitter. Because when people say things like, I don’t know, “I hope you get cancer and die,” it hurts my feelings. ** https://www.interviewmagazine.com/music/sia Interview Magazine (24 March 2015) ==Song lyrics== * ''You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky'' ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * ''A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]]'' ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * ''You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]]'' ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * ''I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking'' ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] 8ac670x4ljkp2kv8bqi88aysx0wsfzn 3944782 3944771 2026-05-24T08:14:06Z Adambell0905 3328657 3944782 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== * I don't really even go out that much now, except to walk my dogs, because I don't want to be recognised. I used to be a really friendly person, and now I just want to be invisible. I liked myself much more before I got famous. I was much friendlier and had more energy. ** https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/sia-furler-fame-does-not-become-her-20100617-yjdr.html The Sydney Morning Herald (18 June 2010) * If anyone besides famous people knew what it was like to be a famous person, they would never want to be famous. ** https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/my-anti-fame-manifesto-by-sia-furler-5770456/ Billboard (25 October 2013) * People say, “Enough of this shit where she doesn’t show her face,” and “It’s a gimmick.” For sure. I’m trying to do this differently, for serenity. And it’s a fun game for me as well. I have nothing to lose. But of course I want to be loved. So when people say, “Show your face, you’re not ugly.” I want to say, “I know. I’m not doing it because I think I’m ugly; I’m trying to have some control over my image. And I’m allowed to maintain some modicum of privacy. But also I would like not to be picked apart or for people to observe when I put on ten pounds or take off ten pounds or I have a hair extension out of place or my fake tan is botched.” Most people don’t have to be under that pressure, and I’d like to be one of them. I don’t want to be followed by paparazzi. I don’t go on Twitter. Because when people say things like, I don’t know, “I hope you get cancer and die,” it hurts my feelings. ** https://www.interviewmagazine.com/music/sia Interview Magazine (24 March 2015) * I think I was worried about being ugly... like, I would say to people when they'd say, "You're beautiful, don't wear the mask", I'd say "It's not about that. It's just I don't want to be famous." But I think there was definitely actually a part of me that was just, was like, it's safer. It's safer in here. It's safer if I'm just a mouth... then maybe people won't say "Well, she needs a nose job, or she needs this that or the other or -" You know? And the lengths that we go to in this industry is pretty phenomenal. ** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oYh8b2Qpmw Wisdom of Trauma (13 June 2021) ==Song lyrics== * ''You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky'' ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * ''A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]]'' ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * ''You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]]'' ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * ''I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking'' ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] 1fogjkmx0ee0y25v8gqwztt1je8huja 3944783 3944782 2026-05-24T08:18:50Z Adambell0905 3328657 /* Song lyrics */ 3944783 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== * I don't really even go out that much now, except to walk my dogs, because I don't want to be recognised. I used to be a really friendly person, and now I just want to be invisible. I liked myself much more before I got famous. I was much friendlier and had more energy. ** https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/sia-furler-fame-does-not-become-her-20100617-yjdr.html The Sydney Morning Herald (18 June 2010) * If anyone besides famous people knew what it was like to be a famous person, they would never want to be famous. ** https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/my-anti-fame-manifesto-by-sia-furler-5770456/ Billboard (25 October 2013) * People say, “Enough of this shit where she doesn’t show her face,” and “It’s a gimmick.” For sure. I’m trying to do this differently, for serenity. And it’s a fun game for me as well. I have nothing to lose. But of course I want to be loved. So when people say, “Show your face, you’re not ugly.” I want to say, “I know. I’m not doing it because I think I’m ugly; I’m trying to have some control over my image. And I’m allowed to maintain some modicum of privacy. But also I would like not to be picked apart or for people to observe when I put on ten pounds or take off ten pounds or I have a hair extension out of place or my fake tan is botched.” Most people don’t have to be under that pressure, and I’d like to be one of them. I don’t want to be followed by paparazzi. I don’t go on Twitter. Because when people say things like, I don’t know, “I hope you get cancer and die,” it hurts my feelings. ** https://www.interviewmagazine.com/music/sia Interview Magazine (24 March 2015) * I think I was worried about being ugly... like, I would say to people when they'd say, "You're beautiful, don't wear the mask", I'd say "It's not about that. It's just I don't want to be famous." But I think there was definitely actually a part of me that was just, was like, it's safer. It's safer in here. It's safer if I'm just a mouth... then maybe people won't say "Well, she needs a nose job, or she needs this that or the other or -" You know? And the lengths that we go to in this industry is pretty phenomenal. ** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oYh8b2Qpmw Wisdom of Trauma (13 June 2021) ==Song lyrics== * ''You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky'' ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * ''A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]]'' ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * ''You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]]'' ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * ''I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking'' ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} * ''I was hopeless and broken, you opened the door for me <br> Yeah, I was hiding and you let the light in and now I see <br> That you do for the wounded what they couldn't seem to, you set them free <br> Like a butterfly kissing a child with an eye for the minor key'' ** ''Dressed In Black'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Greg Kurstin}} and {{w|Grant Michaels (songwriter)|Grant Michaels}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] ch259zzm1kw44bls38t3hymz2v1a39m 3944784 3944783 2026-05-24T08:20:17Z Adambell0905 3328657 /* Song lyrics */ 3944784 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== * I don't really even go out that much now, except to walk my dogs, because I don't want to be recognised. I used to be a really friendly person, and now I just want to be invisible. I liked myself much more before I got famous. I was much friendlier and had more energy. ** https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/sia-furler-fame-does-not-become-her-20100617-yjdr.html The Sydney Morning Herald (18 June 2010) * If anyone besides famous people knew what it was like to be a famous person, they would never want to be famous. ** https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/my-anti-fame-manifesto-by-sia-furler-5770456/ Billboard (25 October 2013) * People say, “Enough of this shit where she doesn’t show her face,” and “It’s a gimmick.” For sure. I’m trying to do this differently, for serenity. And it’s a fun game for me as well. I have nothing to lose. But of course I want to be loved. So when people say, “Show your face, you’re not ugly.” I want to say, “I know. I’m not doing it because I think I’m ugly; I’m trying to have some control over my image. And I’m allowed to maintain some modicum of privacy. But also I would like not to be picked apart or for people to observe when I put on ten pounds or take off ten pounds or I have a hair extension out of place or my fake tan is botched.” Most people don’t have to be under that pressure, and I’d like to be one of them. I don’t want to be followed by paparazzi. I don’t go on Twitter. Because when people say things like, I don’t know, “I hope you get cancer and die,” it hurts my feelings. ** https://www.interviewmagazine.com/music/sia Interview Magazine (24 March 2015) * I think I was worried about being ugly... like, I would say to people when they'd say, "You're beautiful, don't wear the mask", I'd say "It's not about that. It's just I don't want to be famous." But I think there was definitely actually a part of me that was just, was like, it's safer. It's safer in here. It's safer if I'm just a mouth... then maybe people won't say "Well, she needs a nose job, or she needs this that or the other or -" You know? And the lengths that we go to in this industry is pretty phenomenal. ** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oYh8b2Qpmw Wisdom of Trauma (13 June 2021) ==Song lyrics== * You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]] ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]] ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} * I was hopeless and broken, you opened the door for me <br> Yeah, I was hiding and you let the light in and now I see <br> That you do for the wounded what they couldn't seem to, you set them free <br> Like a butterfly kissing a child with an eye for the minor key ** ''Dressed In Black'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Greg Kurstin}} and {{w|Grant Michaels (songwriter)|Grant Michaels}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] l9j61mvrm5k2nl4r48l94sh17q0bviu 3944787 3944784 2026-05-24T08:29:31Z Adambell0905 3328657 /* Song lyrics */ 3944787 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sia Seattle (cropped).jpg|thumb|[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia]] in 2011]] '''[[w:Sia (musician)|Sia Kate Isobelle Furler]]''' ([[Wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈsiːə/]]; born 18 December 1975) is an [[w:Music of Australia|Australian]] singer-songwriter, record producer and music video director. ==Quotes== * I don't really even go out that much now, except to walk my dogs, because I don't want to be recognised. I used to be a really friendly person, and now I just want to be invisible. I liked myself much more before I got famous. I was much friendlier and had more energy. ** https://www.smh.com.au/entertainment/music/sia-furler-fame-does-not-become-her-20100617-yjdr.html The Sydney Morning Herald (18 June 2010) * If anyone besides famous people knew what it was like to be a famous person, they would never want to be famous. ** https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/my-anti-fame-manifesto-by-sia-furler-5770456/ Billboard (25 October 2013) * People say, “Enough of this shit where she doesn’t show her face,” and “It’s a gimmick.” For sure. I’m trying to do this differently, for serenity. And it’s a fun game for me as well. I have nothing to lose. But of course I want to be loved. So when people say, “Show your face, you’re not ugly.” I want to say, “I know. I’m not doing it because I think I’m ugly; I’m trying to have some control over my image. And I’m allowed to maintain some modicum of privacy. But also I would like not to be picked apart or for people to observe when I put on ten pounds or take off ten pounds or I have a hair extension out of place or my fake tan is botched.” Most people don’t have to be under that pressure, and I’d like to be one of them. I don’t want to be followed by paparazzi. I don’t go on Twitter. Because when people say things like, I don’t know, “I hope you get cancer and die,” it hurts my feelings. ** https://www.interviewmagazine.com/music/sia Interview Magazine (24 March 2015) * I think I was worried about being ugly... like, I would say to people when they'd say, "You're beautiful, don't wear the mask", I'd say "It's not about that. It's just I don't want to be famous." But I think there was definitely actually a part of me that was just, was like, it's safer. It's safer in here. It's safer if I'm just a mouth... then maybe people won't say "Well, she needs a nose job, or she needs this that or the other or -" You know? And the lengths that we go to in this industry is pretty phenomenal. ** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oYh8b2Qpmw Wisdom of Trauma (13 June 2021) ==Song lyrics== * I am afraid of sharks <br> I will not swim out past my head <br> And sometimes I worry my boyfriend will die <br> My first love is already dead **''Fear'', ''{{W|Healing Is Difficult}}'' (2001). * You're a shooting [[star]] I see <br> A [[vision]] of [[ecstasy]] <br> When you hold me, I'm [[alive]] <br> We're like [[diamonds]] in the [[sky]] <br> At first sight I [[felt]] the [[energy]] of [[sun]] rays <br> I saw the life inside your [[eyes]] <br> <br> So shine bright, [[tonight]] you and I <br> We're [[beautiful]] like diamonds in the sky <br> Eye to eye, so alive <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky <br> <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shine bright like a diamond <br> Shining bright like a diamond <br> We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky ** ''[[w:Diamonds (Rihanna song)|Diamonds]]'', ''{{w|Unapologetic}}'' (2012). Cowritten with [[w:Benny Blanco|Benjamin Levin]], [[w:Stargate (production team)|Mikkel Eriksen]] and [[w:Stargate (production team)|Tor Hermansen]]. * A shot in the [[dark]] <br> A [[past]] [[lost]] in [[space]] <br> Where do I [[start]]? <br> The past and the chase <br> You [[hunted]] me down <br> Like a [[wolf]], a [[predator]] <br> I felt like a [[deer]] in the [[lights]] ** ''{{w|She Wolf (Falling to Pieces)}}'', ''[[w:Nothing but the Beat#2.0 Singles|Nothing But the Beat 2.0]]'' (2012). Cowritten with {{w|David Guetta}}, {{w|Chris Braide}} and {{w|Giorgio Tuinfort}}. * You did not break me <br> I'm still [[fighting]] for [[peace]] ** ''{{w|Elastic Heart}}'', ''{{w|The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Original Motion Picture Soundtrack}}'' (2013). Cowritten with {{w|Thomas Wesley Pentz}}, {{w|Andrew Swanson}} and {{w|Abel Tesfaye}}. * I may [[cry]], ruining my makeup <br> Wash away all the things you've taken <br> And I don't care if I don't look pretty <br> Big [[girls]] cry when their [[hearts]] are breaking ** ''{{w|Big Girls Cry}}'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Christopher Braide}} * I was hopeless and broken, you opened the door for me <br> Yeah, I was hiding and you let the light in and now I see <br> That you do for the wounded what they couldn't seem to, you set them free <br> Like a butterfly kissing a child with an eye for the minor key ** ''Dressed In Black'', ''{{w|1000 Forms of Fear}}'' (2014). Cowritten with {{w|Greg Kurstin}} and {{w|Grant Michaels (songwriter)|Grant Michaels}} ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commons category}} * [http://www.siamusic.net/ Official website] * {{IMDb name|2397981}} [https://mlyrics.net/lyrics/sia/the-greatest-feat-kendrick-lamar.html Official Lyrics] {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sia}} [[Category:1975 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Indie pop]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Women songwriters]] [[Category:Music producers from Australia]] [[Category:Jazz singers]] [[Category:Screenwriters from Australia]] [[Category:Actresses from Australia]] [[Category:Veganism activists]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Australia]] [[Category:People from Adelaide]] [[Category:Women born in the 1970s]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] oksfyj0fy8cdf0xko07i4nm7h96ieem 0 209133 3944491 3450435 2026-05-23T13:49:11Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944491 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Brigid Brophy|Brigid Antonia Brophy, Lady Levey]]''' (12 June 1929 – 7 August 1995) was a British novelist, critic and campaigner for social reforms. == Quotes == * Reason can always disarm the irrational. If reason finds itself to be irrational, it can disarm it; and if one finds reason and discovers that eating animals is immoral, unnecessary, and done largely for superstitious reasons, then one is [[Vegetarianism|delivered from the compulsion to do it]]. ** Interview in ''The Vegetarians'' by [[Rynn Berry]] (Autumn Press, 1979), p. 82. * Whenever people say "we mustn't be sentimental" you can take it they are about to do something cruel. And if they add, "we must be realistic," they mean they are going to make money out of it. ** Quoted in ''Spiritual Ecology'' by {{w|Jim Nollman}} (Bantam Books, 1990), pp. 189-190. === "The Rights of Animals" (1965) === :<small>"The Rights of Animals", ''The Sunday Times'' (October 1965); in ''Don't Ever Forget: Collected Views and Reviews'', New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1966, pp. 15-21.</small> * To us it seems incredible that the Greek philosophers should have scanned so deep into right and wrong and yet never ''noticed'' the immorality of slavery. Perhaps three thousand years from now it will seem equally incredible that we do not notice the immorality of our oppression of [[animals]]. ** p. 17 * When [[Intensive animal farming|factory farmers]] tell us that animals kept in 'intensive' (i.e. concentration) camps are being kindly spared the inclemency of a winter outdoors, and that calves do not mind being tethered for life on slats because they have never known anything else, an echo should start in our historical consciousness: do you remember how the childlike blackamoors were kindly spared the harsh responsibilities of freedom, how the skivvy didn't feel the hardship of scrubbing all day because she was used to it, how the poor didn't mind their slums because they had never known anything else? ** p. 17 * To hold [[vivisection]] to be never justified is a hard belief. But so is its opposite. I believe it is never justified because I can see nothing (except our being able to get away with it) which lets us pick on animals that would not equally let us pick on idiot humans (who would be more useful) or, for the matter of that, on a few humans of any sort whom we might sacrifice for the good of the many. If we do permit vivisection, here if anywhere we are under the most stringent minimum obligations. The very least we must make sure of is that no experiment is ever duplicated, or careless, or done for mere teaching's sake or as a substitute for thinking. Knowing how often, in every other sphere, pseudo-work proliferates in order to fill time and jobs, and how often activity substitutes for thought, and then reading the official statistics about vivisection, do you truly believe we ''do'' make sure? ** pp. 19-20 * I don't hold animals superior or even equal to humans. The whole case for behaving decently to animals rests on the fact that we are the superior species. We are the species uniquely capable of imagination, rationality and moral choice—and that is precisely why we are under the obligation to recognise and respect the [[Animal rights|rights of animals]]. ** p. 21 == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Brophy, Brigid}} [[Category:1929 births]] [[Category:1995 deaths]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Activists from England]] [[Category:Novelists from England]] [[Category:Playwrights from England]] [[Category:Essayists from England]] [[Category:Critics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Biographers]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] d2oxjmlgg1n8pimg5gqwj7rjotzzp0f 0 214081 3944741 3944072 2026-05-24T06:11:48Z ~2026-30749-58 3328616 3944741 wikitext text/x-wiki ==Animated TV shows== * '''What are you gonna do when I'm at game design camp? Die of boredom probably?''' ** Who: Tulip Olsen ** Source: ''[[Infinity Train]]'' (2019–present) * '''I am so behind on my spring shopping! I do this every year.''' ** Who: Tricia ** Source: ''[[6teen]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Ooh...those creatures are right.''' ** Who: Hildy Gloom ** Source: ''[[The 7D]]'' (2014-2016) * '''Watch it! The door sticks a little!''' ** Who: Miranda Hatcher ** Source: ''Abby Hatcher'' (2019–present) * '''Ah, it's a beautiful night for a stroll, eh, Carl?''' ** Who: Jimmy Neutron ** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius]]'' (2002-2006) * '''Listen up you reptiles! The Koopa family meeting will come to order! So far, I've sent you Koopalings to pull sneaky little tricks, and medium-sized meanness. Now you're ready for the biggest badness of all!''' ** Who: King Koopa ** Source: ''[[The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3]]'' (1990) * '''Yeah, you think you're pretty way up there but I can get you!''' ** Who: Jake ** Source: ''[[Adventure Time]]'' (2010-2025) * '''(gasps) We still have 24 hours 'till we go back to school!''' * '''24 whole hours to fun!''' ** Who: Gumball Watterson and Darwin Watterson ** Source: ''[[The Amazing World of Gumball]]'' (2011-2025) * '''Shut up, Steve. I have a term paper due.''' ** Who: Hayley Smith ** Source: ''[[American Dad!]]'' (2005-2024) * '''''JAKE!!!'' Get back to work!''' ** Who: Grandpa Lao Shi ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Grandpa Lao Shi is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. * '''This is your territory, young dragon. And you alone are responsible for the magical creatures living within it. From the Centaur herds of High Bridge Park to the floor of the secret Leprechaun's Stock Exchange; From the Gargoyle Nest on top of the Empire State Building to the mermaids of the East River.''' ** Who: Grandpa Lao Shi ** Source: ''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (2005-2007) * '''Gentlemen! Vegetables have threatened man for generations. I have obtained funds to solve this vegetable nightmare!''' ** Who: Dr. Weird ** Source: ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]'' (2000-2025) * '''Come with me.''' ** Who: [[w:List of Arthur characters#D.W. Read|D.W. Read]] ** Source: ''[[Arthur (TV series)|Arthur]]'' (1996-2022) * '''He's here!''' ** Who: Rupert Thorne ** Source: ''[[The Batman]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Whoo-hoo!''' ** Who: Blaze ** Source: ''Blaze and the Monster Machines'' (2014-2025) * '''This is the day my life went from good to better to best to worst. Confused? You'll understand in a minute. Let's start here. I'm Sharon Spitz, and this is my school. These are my comrades. And there I am.''' * '''So, anybody get a date for the dance and not tell me?''' ** Who: Sharon Spitz ** Source: ''[[Braceface]]'' (2001-2008) * '''And if you look out your window, you'll see the Amazon Rainforest. Home to more plants and animals than the rest of the world put together.''' ** Who: Airplane announcer ** Source: ''[[Brandy & Mr. Whiskers]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Mind if I join?''' ** Who: Lola Bunny ** Source: ''[[Bugs Bunny Builders]]'' (2022-2025) * '''Listen, pep talk. Big day today. It's our grand re-re-reopening. It's Labor Day weekend, and it looks like Wonder Wharf is getting mobbed, so we have...''' ** Who: Bob Belcher **Source: ''[[Bob's Burgers]]'' (2011-2025) * '''I think it bobbed.''' ** Who: [[w:List of Camp Lazlo characters#Chip and Skip|Skip]] ** Source: ''[[Camp Lazlo]]'' (2005-2008) * '''The war had been raging for as long I could remember. I lost my father to the war. I lost my mother to the war. And this was my only friend left in the world. Chaos, blood shed, and battle was the only life we'd ever known.''' ** Who: Horse ** Source: ''[[Centaurworld]]'' (2021) * '''What are you doing, Nick?''' ** Who: Sally ** Source: ''The Cat in the Hat Knows a Lot About That!'' (2010-2019) * '''OUCH! Oh boy.''' ** Who: Joe Tabootie ** Source: ''[[ChalkZone]]'' (2002-2005; 2008) * '''And that is how I got Liza Minnelli's poop on my shoe.''' ** Who: Peter Griffin ** Source: ''[[The Cleveland Show]]'' (2009–present) * '''I'll read these books to you when we get home, okay, Corduroy?''' ** Who: Lisa ** Source: ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]'' (2000-2009) * '''At last, the moment I've been waiting for! It's absolutely perfect!''' ** Who: Hacker ** Source: ''[[Cyberchase]]'' (2002–2010) * '''Ah, today's gonna be a good day. Aah! Aahh! Ow! Oof! Oh, great - there goes breakfast. Ow! My foot! Stupid thing! OW! My foot! Stupid thing! See? I learned. Ow! Don't even know why I put that lamp there in the first place. What the heck would you make a swinging lamp for? Makes me want to burn down the 70s. Ow! Oof! Was that an armadillo? I'm gonna laugh when you're roadkill. What the- Not my car! Cactus needles, red dirt, Adobe...''NEEEW MEXICOOOOOOOO!!!''''' ''[show and episode title appear]'' ** Who: Dan ** Source: ''[[Dan Vs.]]'' (2011-2013) * '''So, Danny...You and your little friends want to hunt ghosts?''' ** Who: Jack Fenton ** Source: ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town - especially for you, Daria, right?''' ** Who: Jake ** Source: ''[[Daria]]'' (1997-2001) * '''Dee Dee! Can you please check if your brother is ready for school?''' ** Who: Dexter's Mom ** Source: ''[[Dexter's Laboratory]]'' (1996-2003) * '''I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?''' * '''I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?''' ** Who: Dilbert and Dogbert ** Source: ''[[Dilbert (TV series)|Dilbert]]'' (1999–2000) * '''Hi, I'm Dora. What's your name? ''What's'' your name? How old are you? Wow, that's big! Guess what? It's storytime!''' ** Who: Dora Márquez ** Source: ''[[Dora the Explorer]]'' (2000-2019) * '''Bienvididos, amigos!''' * '''Bienvididos!''' * '''Clap with us!''' ** Who: Dora Márquez and friends ** Source: ''[[Dora and Friends: Into the City!]]'' (2014-2017) ** Note: Catchphrase that opens nearly every episode. * '''Come on, Max. Let's check this out.''' * '''No way! I don't get it about our new house. That's weak.''' ** Who: Emmy, and Max ** Source: ''[[Dragon Tales]]'' (1999–2005) * '''"4,800 and 20, 4,800 and 24–ooh, I like what you've done with that tunnel–4,800 and 31, 4,800 and 35, that's everybody. 4,800 and... 37."''' ** Who: Edd ** Source: ''[[Ed, Edd, n Eddy]]'' (1999–2009) * '''Imagine Saving The Rainforest Just By Searching The Internet?''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Ecosia]]'' (2009–present) * '''Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.''' ** Who: Jan Brady * '''Ugh, smoking? How does a boy like that go so wrong?''' ** Who: Lois Griffin **Source: ''[[Family Guy]]'' (1999–present) * '''And lastly, there was a misprint on today's cafeteria menu. "Meat Larf" should read..."Meat ''Lard''."''' ** Who: Mr. Mufflin ** Source: ''[[Fanboy and Chum Chum]]'' (2009–2014) * '''Fillmore, I'm on it!''' ** Who: Cornelius Fillmore ** Source: ''[[Fillmore!]]'' (2002-2008) ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Cornelius Fillmore is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. * '''The outcome was never in our favor, Gary.''' ** Who: H.U.E. ** Source: ''[[Final Space]]'' (2018-2021) * '''Smile for the camera.''' ** Who: Yearbook Photographer ** Source: ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Wait, stop! I just wanna punch you!''' ** Who: Terrance ** Source: ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Just east of Northwestville and south of Gubai, a town known as Glurfsburg might catch your eye. Our story starts here; who knows what's in store? It begins with a kite, then...SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! That's a ninja! This is Dr. Seuss, so I wasn't expecting a ni - oh, WHY WOULD YOU CUT THE LINE?!?!''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''Green Eggs and Ham'' (2019–present) * '''So, what do you guys wanna show me?''' ** Who: Harvey Beaks ** Source: ''[[Harvey Beaks]]'' (2015-2017) * '''Once upon a time, there was a glowing city protected by golden gates, known as Heaven. It was ruled by beings of pure light. Angels that worshiped good and shielded all from evil. Lucifer was one of these angels. He was a dreamer with fantastical ideas for all of creation. But, he was seen as a troublemaker by the elders of Heaven. For they felt his way of thinking was dangerous to the order of their world.''' ** Who: Charlie Morningstar ** Source: ''[[Hazbin Hotel]]'' (2024-2025) * '''Thank you, Gunbarrel City! Goodnight! Guess we can skip the encore.''' ** Who: Ami Onuki ** Source: ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]'' (2004-2008) * '''Small, get in here!''' ** Who: Coach McGuirk ** Source: ''[[Home Movies (TV series)|Home Movies]]'' (1999–present) * '''Welcome to Horseland!''' ** Who: Shep ** Source: ''[[w:Horseland (TV Series)|Horseland]]'' (2006-2008) * '''Welcome, brave Irken soldiers. Welcome to Conventia, the convention hall planet. Please, proceed to the docking ring and take the complimentary teleporters to the planet's surface!''' ** Who: Announcer ** Source: ''[[Invader Zim]]'' (2001-2008) * '''SQUAWK! SQUAWK! Good morning, birds! SQUAWK! ''[laughs]'' Good morning, ol' rusty sign! Another perfect day in Seaside By the Seashore, my new home!''' ** Who: Arlo Beauregard ** Source: ''[[w:I Heart Arlo|I Heart Arlo]]'' (2021) * '''My name is Leslie McGroarty. I'm a city girl, and the big city is my home. Most of my boys called me boisterous and hog-wild, that's because I fight these dorks, I played video games, I jammed to my rock music and I can skateboarding. I love to have fun, and I'm having a lot more fun, because I'm a tomboy!''' ** Who: Leslie McGroarty ** Source: ''[[The Itsy Bitsy Spider]]'' (1994–1996) * '''It was Picture Day at Tarrytown Airport. And Brenda Blue was ready with her camera to make this the best one ever.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Jay Jay the Jet Plane]]'' (1998-2005) * '''And here's the news, Porkbelly. Police are still trying to catch the mysterious underground bandits!''' ** Who: Hank ** Source: ''[[Johnny Test]]'' (2005-2008) * '''You'll never catch me, Team LilyMu!''' ** Who: Gonard ** Source: ''[[Kappa Mikey]]'' (2006–2008) * '''Ladies and gentlemen, behold the world's greatest daredevil: Kick Buttowski!''' ''[pause]'' '''Kick! Kick, are you OK?''' ** Who: Gunther Magnuson ** Source: ''[[Kick Buttowski: Suburban Daredevil]]'' (2010-2019) * '''I'll tell you what my truck needs: Leadership. Detroit hasn't felt any real pride since George Bush went to Japan and vomited on their auto executives.''' ** Who: Hank Hill ** Source: ''[[King of the Hill]]'' (1997-2010) * '''In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines, lived twelve little girls in two straight lines. They left the house at half past nine, in two straight lines, rain or shine. The smallest one was Madeline.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[Madeline (TV series)|Madeline]]'' (1990-2009) ** Note: Catchphrase that opens every episode of the show. * '''Do you have everything you need for your first day? Paper, pencils, spark plugs, lemon drops?''' ** Who: Charlene ** Source: ''[[Making Fiends (TV series)|Making Fiends]]'' (2008) * '''That one looks like a daffodil!''' ** Who: Ketchup ** Source: ''[[Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart]]'' (2019–present) * '''Come in, Truman.''' ** Who: Helen ** Source: ''[[Martha Speaks (TV series)|Martha Speaks]]'' (2008-2014) * '''Why is everybody running around like crazy?''' ** Who: Andy ** Source: ''Let's Go Luna'' (2018-2022) * '''Stupid dog! You made me look bad!''' ** Who: Eustace Bagge ** Note: Heard in the opening credits that opens every episode. But, Eustace is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. ** Source: ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]'' (1999–present) * '''Commander Andru, the Glorft have found us. Perimeter defenses are failing. We're being overrun.''' ** Who: Earth Coaliton Captain ** Source: ''[[Megas XLR]]'' (2004-2008) * '''We'll get you down, Whiskers.''' ** Who: Firefighter 1 ** Source: ''[[Men in Black: The Series]]'' (1997-2008) ** Note Catchphrase that opens every episode except for "Mickey's Great Clubhouse Hunt". But, Mickey Mouse is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the series. * '''Welcome to our Clubhouse! Are you ready to play? Swell!''' ** Who: ''[[w:Mickey Mouse (character)|Mickey Mouse]]'' ** Source: ''[[Mickey Mouse Clubhouse]]'' (2006-2016) * '''Good morning Finger! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 100! Honeybee Troop Bessie Higgenbottom! Reporting for duty! Hi mom! Bye mom!''' ** Who: Bessie ** Source: ''[[The Mighty B!]]'' (2008–2011) * '''Yo, Seismo! Hey man, what you ups to?''' ** Who: Zorch ** Source: ''[[Mixels]]'' (2014-2016) * '''I'm Mr. Frog. This is my show. I eat the bug. I ate the bug. This is the end. I love you.''' ** Who: Mr. Frog ** Source: ''Smiling Friends'' (2022-2025) * '''Hey everyone, it's me Molly!''' ** Who: Molly Mabray ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Molly is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. * '''Hmm! The poster for our show turned out pretty well, Tooey.''' ** Who: Molly Mabray ** Source: ''[[Molly of Denali]]'' (2019–present) * '''Well, Professor Knight, how'd I do?''' ** Who: Tylor Tuskmon ** Source: ''[[Monsters at Work]]'' (2021-2025) * '''Welcome aboard! Hey, come on, I want you to meet the team!''' ** Who: Leo ** Source: ''[[Little Einsteins]]'' (2005-2008) * '''Another perfect day in my hometown. Population: not very many. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and I'm doing a little sketching under my favorite tree.''' ** Who: Blythe Baxter ** Source: ''[[Littlest Pet Shop (2012 TV series)]]'' (2012-2016) * '''Special Delivery from the Middlemost Post!''' ** Who: Parker J. Cloud ** Source: ''[[Middlemost Post]]'' (2021-2022) * '''Okay. So, Cat and I are on a farm.''' ** Who: Peg ** Source: ''Peg + Cat'' (2013-2018) * '''The school concert is tomorrow, Max. And I get to play, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"!''' ** Who: Ruby ** Source: ''Max & Ruby'' (2003-2008) * '''Heh-heh-ha-ha-ha! Woo-hoo!!!''' ** Who 1: Norma Khan * '''Hey!''' ** Who 2: Courtney ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode, but Norma and Courtney are still the first characters to speak in the first episode of the series. ** Source: ''Dead End: Paranormal Park'' (2022) * '''Welcome to the City of Frank. 85 trillion cells and still growing, which is getting to be a big problem. Y'see, when a body gets this old and congested, there's a lot more upkeep. And in Frank, everybody's workin' overtime. I should know. The name's Jones. Osmosis Jones. I'm a cop. That's my partner Drix. He's a pill, but he's cool. We got a tip that Scarlet Fever's visiting a chop shop south of the stomach, below the beltway, deep in bowel town. I've been after this bad booty bacteria half my life. He wasn't gettin' away this time.''' ** Who: Osmosis Jones ** Source: ''[[Ozzy & Drix]]'' (2002-2004) * '''Hey! This is an interactive show. That means you gotta select the correct answers.''' ''[gets a pillar dropped on by Rowdy; weakly]'' '''Enjoy the show...''' ** Who: Peanut ** Source: ''Cat Burglar'' (2022) * '''Alright, Beef Burrito. I'm gonna give you one more chance to take back what you said about my mom! I'LL ''KILL'' YOU!''' ** Who: Rigby ** Source: ''[[Regular Show]]'' (2010-2019) * ''[howls]'' '''Rubble on the double! Whee!''' ** Who: Rubble ** Source: ''[[PAW Patrol]]'' (2013-2025) * '''Hey!''' ** Who: Phineas Flynn ** Note: Heard in the theme song at the start of every episode, but Phineas is still the first character to speak in the series. * '''So Ferb, what do you wanna do today? What about Perry? What does he wanna do? Well, he is a platypus. They don't do much. I, for one, am starting to get bored. And boredom is something I will not put. The first thing they're gonna ask us when we get back to school is what we did over the summer! I mean, no school for three months; our lives should be a rollercoaster. And I mean a good rollercoaster. Not like the one we rode at the Street Fair. Man, that was lame. Why, if I built a rollercoaster, I would...That's it! I know what we're gonna do today!''' ** Who: Phineas Flynn ** Note: Official first line of the series ** Source: ''[[Phineas and Ferb]]'' (2007-2009) * '''What's that all about?''' ** Who: Zack Underwood ** Source: ''[[Milo Murphy's Law]]'' (2016-2019) * '''The day I turned 16, I got my driver's license, and suddenly, I was free! I could be out in the open road with nothing but my own dreams to guide me! I could let the wind of adventure blow through my hair as the beckoning horizon pulls me ever onward! But instead, I'm just driving my little sister to and from soccer in my mom's minivan.''' ** Who: Kevin Grant-Gomez ** Source: ''[[Hamster & Gretel]]'' (2022-2025) * '''Uh, out of my seat, shortstack!''' ** Who: Pierce Pocket ** Source: ''Polly Pocket'' (2019–present) *'''In the beginning, there was darkness. Then there was... Me! Tater Ramirez Humphrey! Me, a lump of clay. Me, searching for my true self. But soon... I will achieve my final form! But I don't know what it'll be until I'd get a little QUIET!!!''' ** Who: Tater Ramirez Humphrey ** Source: ''[[Primos]]'' (2024-2025) * '''Okay, new Earth game. I call it: Solar System!''' ** Who: Jet Propulsion ** Source: ''[[Ready Jet Go!]]'' (2016-2019) * '''Look at you! You are a full-grown cat still watching cartoons! And you are three years old! But don't you know what this was in human years? Listen. I'm your friend. But do you know that cartoons still ruin your mind? Just look what it's done to your brain!''' ** Who: Ren ** Source: ''[[The Ren & Stimpy Show]]'' (1991-1996) * '''Morty! You gotta come on. Jus'...you gotta come with me.''' ** Who: Rick ** Source: ''[[Rick and Morty]]'' (2013-2025) * '''Heffer, we're mates, right?''' ** Who: Rocko (production) ** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' (1993-1996) * '''I had it with you, you're a useless and pathetic thing like a useless and pathetic thing, this IS the last straw you Good for nothing of rubbish... PREPARE TO FEEL MY WRATH!! That will teach you.''' ** Who: Rocko (broadcast) ** Source: ''[[Rocko's Modern Life]]'' (1993-1996) * '''Wow, the base is loaded with two outs and Johnny Hitswell is up to bat. We might actually win the game for a change.''' ** Who: Todd Daring ** Source: ''[[The Replacements (TV series)|The Replacements]]'' (2006-2009) * '''Once again, I am free to smite the world as I did in days long past.''' ** Who: Aku ** Source: ''[[Samurai Jack]]'' (2001-2008) * '''All right, Yay!''' ** Who: Eric Needles ** Source: ''[[Sidekick (TV series)|Sidekick]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Ooh, careful, Homer.''' ** Who: Marge Simpson ** Source: ''[[The Simpsons]]'' (1989–present) * '''School days, school days, teacher's golden ru...''' ** Who: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick ** Source: ''[[South Park]]'' (1997-2025) * '''Missing your friends?''' ** Who: James Prescott ** Source: ''Spirit Riding Free'' (2017-2020) * '''Captain's log, Stardate 57436.2. The Cerritos is docked at Douglas Station for routine maintenance and resupply. We will soon set course for the capital planet of the Galar system, where we're scheduled to make second contact with the Galardonian High Council. First contact is a delicate, high-stakes operation of diplomacy. One must be ready for anything when Humanity is interacting with alien race for the first time. But we don't do that. Our specialty is second contact. Still pretty important. We get all the paperwork signed, make sure we're spelling the name of the planet right, get to know all the good places to eat.''' ** Who: Brad Boimler ** Source: ''[[Star Trek: Lower Decks]]'' (2020-2025) * '''It's no use Sparkleface. We'll be trapped in the candy dungeon, FOREVER!''' ** Who: Butterbean ** Note: If not counting the character from a TV show inside a TV show, Raven is the first real character to speak. * '''Don't give up Butterbean. Great! Right in the middle of the best part of Pretty Pretty Pegasus!''' ** Who: Raven ** Source: ''[[Teen Titans Go!]]'' (2013-2025) * '''Timothy, You have mail.''' ** Who: Timothy's Mom ** Source: ''[[Timothy Goes to School]]'' (2000-2009) * '''All right, you guys, settle down. With a little luck, they may never find out we're aboard. We can sleep here every night, mingle with passengers during the day. Benny can slip us some food from the dining room. We'll have a ball. Okay, Spook, what was in that suitcase?''' ** Who: Top Cat ** Source: ''[[Top Cat]]'' (1961–1962) * '''For as long as anyone can remember, the happiest, the sunniest, singingest creatures in all the world were my people, the Trolls.''' ** Who: Queen Poppy ** Source: ''Trolls: The Beat Goes On!'' (2018-2019) * '''UGH!! I hate red lights! Come on, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go!!''' ** Who: Amethyst Van der Troll ** Source: ''Trollz'' (2005-2007) * '''Hi Everyone I’m Ninety Want To Join Us With Our Undersea Adventures Sure!''' ** Who: Ninety The Sea Turtle ** Source: ''[[Undersea Adventures]]'' (2018-2022) * ''[giggles]'' '''Try to catch me!''' ** Who: Demi ** Source: ''[[Vampirina]]'' (2017-2021) * '''Okay, Vic. I'm glad we see eye to eye on expanding our business. But first, we gotta learn how to make...''' ** Who: Valentino Calavera ** Source: ''[[Victor & Valentino]]'' (2019–present) * '''Happy Valentines Day, Todd!''' ** Who: Dana ** Source: ''[[Wayside]]'' (2007-2008) * '''Claire McCallister is about to go on a business trip, and leave a babysitter in charge of her son, the mischievous boy genius, Tobey.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Source: ''[[WordGirl]]'' (2007-2009) ===''DC Animated Universe''=== * '''Now, Isis, my sweet.''' ''[Isis snatches the necklace]'' '''Perfect my love! Let's go home.''' ** Who: Catwoman ** Source: ''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]'' (1992-1995) * '''Northern Region, Sector 17 Alpha, log date 8313 Omega 3, Jor-El speaking, gathering readings for final subterranean probe.''' ** Who: Jor-El ** Source: ''[[Superman: The Animated Series]]'' (1996–2000) * '''I'm depressed, Red. Here in this holiday time and we're hiding out in this dingy rattrap. No presents, no fun, no nothing. Can't we at least, get a Christmas tree.''' ** Who: Harleen Quinzel ** Source: ''[[The New Batman Adventures]]'' (1997-1999) * '''Big news in the financial world today. Once again, Billionaire Bruce Wayne has averted an attempted takeover of his company, by Derek Powers of Powers Technology. Powers vowed that he is not through yet and speculation has seen in stock in both men's companies hit all-time high's. Still no word from the kidnappers of debutante, Bunny Vreeland following a ransom payment five million dollars.''' ** Who: TV Announcer ** Source: ''[[Batman Beyond]]'' (1999–present) * '''Speed it up! We don't have all night.''' ** Who: Robber 1 ** Source: ''[[Static Shock]]'' (2000-2009) * '''Bennett.''' ** Who: Agent Bennett ** Source: ''The Zeta Project'' (2001-2002) * '''Would you look at that. A little slice of heaven.''' ** Who: J. Allen Carter ** Source: ''[[Justice League (TV series)|Justice League]]'' (2001-2004) * '''Everybody down, down!''' ** Who: Robber ** Source: ''[[Justice League Unlimited]]'' (2004-2008) ===''44 Cats''=== * '''Buffycats on a Mission''' ** Who: 44 Cats Narrator * '''♪ Down In The Cellar of an Old Mansion ♪ ♪ Cats Without parents and their companions ♪ ♪ Met To Improve Their Sad Situation ♪ ♪ And Find a good cause for celebration ♪''' ** Who: Singer * '''Sorry!''' ** Who: Milady ** Source: ''[[44 Cats]]'' (Season 1) ===''The Fairly OddParents''=== * '''Bed, TWERP!''' ** Who: Vicky ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens every episode. But, Vicky is still the first character to speak in the first episode of the show. * '''Thanks for babysitting tonight, Vicky. Timmy just loves making new friends, don't you Timmy?''' ** Who: Mr. Turner * '''Ready, Cosmo?''' ** Who: Wanda **Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents]]'' (2001-2017) *'''Clifford, Rhonda, [Luis], Smoothie, and Garfield. Welcome to your new home! I know, you're overwhelmed. We're in a new city, having to make new friends, and our big brother Antony left us for college. Well he's my brother, not yours. But we gotta roll with the punches! Toughen up rocks! Were not little kids anymore, we're 10! Double digits! We can handle this, right? I wish Antony were here to help me unpack. And keep me from talking to a bunch of rocks. 'Tis I, the good rock fairy Rocktilda. Since you are so kind and true of heart and cute and spunky, I've decided to grant you one wish. Thanks Rocktilda! I am pretty great aren't I. I'd like to wish for UNLIMITED WISHES!!! That wasn't the deal! Too late you doink, you've been outsmarted now start granting! Muahaha...''' ** Who: Hazel Wells **Source: ''[[The Fairly OddParents: A New Wish]]'' (2024-2025) ===''Futurama''=== * '''Space. It seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.''' ** Who: Fry ** Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (1999–present) (Fox) * '''This has been a test of the Emergency Hypnotoad System. Had this been an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes up next. Coming up next, Futurama!''' ** Who: Bender * '''Professor, my Fry-fro is all frizzy.''' ** Who: Robot Fry ** Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (1999–present) (Fox) * '''Professor's lab notes, final entry. Time has been frozen for an unknown length of time. With no time to lose, I began tunneling through time in search of Fry and Leela, only to find them suffering from a case of extreme old. Horrified, I offered to reset the universe to the instant before time stopped. They could be young once more, still grotesquely ugly, but young.''' ** Who: Professor Farnsworth * '''D-Did someone switch the universe off and on?''' ** Who: Amy Wong ** Source: ''[[Futurama]]'' (1999–present) (Fox) ===''The Owl House''=== * '''Foolish child! I could swallow you whole!''' ** Who: Gildersnake (Season 1A) * '''And that's the end.''' ** Who: Luz Noceda (Season 1A) ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''Partake of my free snack samples! Take it! I demand it as your ruler, the King of Demons! Why isn't anyone paying attention to me? I'm their rightful overlord, intellectually and such.''' ** Who: King (Season 1B) ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''Foolish child! Leave this place before you meet your demise!''' ** Who: Garlog (Season 2A) ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''¡Hola, Mamá! I know you don’t want me staying in the Demon Realm, but I’m recording this because I think we can find a middle ground. This is a world of magic and beauty, just look.''' ** Who: Luz Noceda (Season 2B) ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''Luz, I'm so happy I had you as a big sister.''' ** Who: King (Season 3, "Thanks To Them") * '''Hey, thanks for not telling them I'm...''' * '''...a Grimwalker?''' * '''Don't say it out loud!''' ** Who: Luz Noceda and Hunter (Season 3, "Thanks To Them") ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''We gotta stick together!''' ** Who: Luz Noceda (Season 3, "For the Future") * '''I'm free! I'm free! Oh, this is the good-est I've felt in forever and ever! It's like the whole world is singing!''' ** Who: The Collector (Season 3, "For the Future") ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) * '''Huh?''' ** Who: The Hexsquad (Season 3, "Watching and Dreaming") ** Source: ''The Owl House'' (2020-2023) ===''Bluey''=== * '''Morning, balloons! I mean...morning, last balloon.''' ** Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 1, Part 1) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''You ruined our game, Rusty!''' ** Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 1, Part 2) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Excuse me? Yes, over here!''' ** Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 1A) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Mum!''' ** Who: Jack Russell (Series 2, Part 1B) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Make sure you eat your pumpkin seeds, Bluey.''' ** Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 2, Part 2) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Okay! Let's make some Father's Day cards for Dad.''' ** Who: Chilli Heeler (Series 3, Part 1) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Dad, we're back!''' ** Who: Bingo Heeler (Series 3, Part 2) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''One, two, three, four, five, six! Well done, Kim Jim, you won again.''' ** Who: Bluey Christine Heeler (Series 3, Part 3A) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Let's play "Wild Girls", Indy!''' ** Who: Coco (Series 3, Part 3B) ** Source: ''[[Bluey]]'' (2018-2025) ===''Big Hero 6''=== * '''Okay, Hiro, I'm going to let you go now. You ready?''' ** Who: Tadashi Hamada (Baymax Returns) ** Note: If not counting the video, Hiro is the first character to speak in the series. * '''Well, Tadashi, this is it, first day of nerd school. All because of you.''' ** Who: Hiro Hamada (Baymax Returns) * '''Hello, I am Baymax!''' ** Who: Baymax (intro) ** Note: Heard in the theme song that opens almost every episode of the series. * '''Mr. Hamada? Mr. Hamada?! Follow please!''' ** Who: Professor Granville (Season 1) * '''San Fransokyo, greatest city in the world, once threatened by nefarious forces, now a beacon of peace, thanks to the fearless fortitude of Big Hero 6!''' ** Who: Fred Fredrickson (Season 2A) * '''Uh, what was that?''' ** Who: Fred Fredrickson (Season 2B) * '''Summer in San Fransokyo. The days are long and the living is-. Easy!''' ** Who: Fred Fredrickson (Season 3) ===''Kiff''=== * '''Heh, heh, heh!''' ** Who: Kiff Chatterley ** Note: Heard at the end of the theme song that opens every episode, but Kiff is still the first character to speak on the show. * '''First person to climb Mount Table?''' ** Who: Mrs. Deer Teacher ** Source: ''[[Kiff]]'' (2023-2024) ===''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur''=== * '''The Lower East Side without Bubbe Bina's Knish Niche?! Nuh-uh!''' ** Who: Lunella Lafayette/Moon Girl (Season 1) ** Source: ''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur'' (2023-2024) * '''Moon Girl?! Almost didn’t recognize you for the...!''' ** Who: The Beyonder (Season 2A) ** Source: ''Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur'' (2023-2024) ** Note: This is still technically the first line of the season, but technically the first line is from a recap of the last episode of the season by Lunella Lafayette/Moon Girl which is "It'll only work if we're on opposite sides of the portal". ===''Elliott from Earth''=== * '''I gotta take these upstairs. You okay watching the store for a bit?''' ** Who: Gas station shop owner ** Source: ''[[Elliott from Earth]]'' (2021-2022) ===''The Cuphead Show!''=== * '''Cuphead? Mugman?''' * '''Yes, Elder Kettle?''' ** Who: Elder Kettle, Cuphead, and Mugman (Part 1) ** Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-2023) * '''We were tricked into breaking into that cookie factory! This is what we get for listening to Ms. Chalice!''' ** Who: Mugman (Part 2) ** Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-2023) * '''...Mugman?''' ** Who: Cuphead (Part 3) ** Source: ''The Cuphead Show!'' (2022-2023) ===''Hilda''=== * '''See that, Twig? It's a troll rock! Trolls don't usually come far down the mountain. I've got to draw this!''' ** Who: Hilda (Season 1) ** Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-2023) * '''We're coming for you!''' ** Who: Hilda (Season 2) ** Source: ''Hilda'' (2018-2023) * '''Ah!''' **Who: Hilda **Source: ''Hilda and The Mountain King'' (2021) ===''The Proud Family''=== * '''GEYEOUCH!!!''' ** Who: Oscar Proud ** Note: Heard at the end of the theme song that opens every episode. * '''Alright ladies...and Michael.''' ** Who: Dijonay Jones ** Source: ''[[The Proud Family]]'' (2001-2005) * '''Wha..? I'm...so...HIP!!! WOO!!!''' **Who: Penny Proud **Source: ''The Proud Family: Louder and Prouder'' (2022-2023) ===''Elinor Wonders Why''=== * '''What should we play today at recess?''' ** Who: Olive Elephant (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]'' (2020-2025) * '''Olive, look how much our baby plants has grown!''' ** Who: Elinor Rabbit (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]'' (2020-2025) ===''Fist of the North Star''=== * '''In the year 199X, the world was devastated by a nuclear war. The very Earth had been destroyed beyond repair, but mankind survived.''' ** Who: The Narrator ** Source: ''[[Fist of the North Star]]'' (1984) ===''DuckTales''=== * '''Scrooge McDuck, he had a vault, E-I-E-I-O. And in this vault, he had some dough, E-I-E-I-O. Ah, there's only one thing better than owning a vault full of cold-hard cash, and that's swimming in it! I love to dive around in it like a porpoise, and burrow through it like a gopher and toss it up and let it hit me on the head. Curse me kilts, I'm late!''' ** Who: Scrooge McDuck ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987-1990) * '''HEY!!''' ** Who: Sailor (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Aw, come on, a little lightning never killed anyone.''' ** Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Dew-dew-dew-dewey dewing it again. We're dewing it again, yeah.''' ** Who: Dewey Duck (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Dumb earth gravity. Won't...keep...me...from...the kids. Okay, first impression is the only impression. You gotta nail this. Greetings, children! Hellooooo! Oh, hey, didn't see you there. Simple, sincere. It's just the most important moment of your life.''' ** Who: Della Duck (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Legacy, passing the torch to a new generation. The knowledge of the old mixes with the discoveries of the new into that flavorful gumbo called tomorrow. You are that gumbo!''' ** Who: Launchpad McQuack (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) * '''F.O.W.L., the Fiendish Organization for World Larceny, is back. Long thought to have been eliminated by agents of S.H.U.S.H., they've risen again, led by a devious traitor.''' ** Who: Bentina Beakley (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017-2020) ===''My Little Pony''=== ====''My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic''==== * '''Once upon a time, in a magical land of Equestria...There were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn. The younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects: All the different types of ponies. But as time went on, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night. One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one's heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon. She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: The Elements of Harmony! Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her younger sister and banished her permanently in the moon. The elder sister took on responsibility for...''' * '''...both sun and moon...''' * '''...and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since. Hmm...Elements of Harmony. I know I've heard of those before...but where?''' ** Who: Narrator and Twilight Sparkle (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''I want to start our field trip here, in the world-famous Canterlot Sculpture Garden.''' ** Who: Cheerilee (Season 2) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''News from northern Equestria! Uh...Your Highness.''' ** Who: A Guard (Season 3) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''You gotta really flap 'em hard!''' ** Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 4) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Let's go through this one more time.''' ** Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 5A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Was that the pony post?''' ** Who: Rarity (Season 5B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Okay. Library, library...where did they put the library?''' ** Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 6A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Well, don't stop there! You read, I pack. That’s the deal.''' ** Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 6B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Hey, Spike. What's up?''' ** Who: Starlight Glimmer (Season 7A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Care for a carrot-ginger sandwich?''' ** Who: Fluttershy (Season 7B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''This happened while we were gone?''' ** Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 8A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Who can tell me what these are?''' ** Who: Twilight Sparkle (Season 8B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''Oh, good. We're all here.''' ** Who: Fluttershy (Season 9A) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) * '''I thought Pinkie Pie said to get here right away.''' ** Who: Rainbow Dash (Season 9B) ** Source: ''[[My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic]]'' (2010-2019) ====Misc.==== * '''I've always loved you but...''YOU'VE RUINED ME!!!''''' ** Who: Rarity ** Source: ''My Little Pony: Pony Life'' (2020-2025) ===''Work It Out Wombats!''=== * '''Solve the little jobs one by one and you'll get the big one done! Better check the old to-do list! Done and done. Just one more to-do left to do. But first, better make sure my little Wombats are up!''' ** Who: Grandma Super ** Source: ''Work It Out Wombats'' (2023-2024) ===''Gravity Falls''=== * '''Ah, summer break. A time of leisure, recreation, and taking 'er easy. Unless you're me. My name is Dipper. The girl about to puke is my sister Mabel. You may be wondering what we're doing in a golf cart fleeing from a creature of unimaginable horror. Rest assured, there's a perfectly logical explanation.''' ** Who: Dipper Pines (Season 1A) * '''Ladies and gentlemen, we now return to Cash Wheel! Sponsored by Chip-ackers: The chip-flavored crackers.''' ** Who: TV Announcer (Season 1B) * '''Thirty long years and it's all lead up to this, my greatest achievement!''' ** Who: Stanley Pines (Season 2A) * '''Wait up!''' * '''Yeah, you should keep up!''' ** Who: Young Stanley and Stanford Pines (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (2012-2016) * '''Oh, Gravity Falls, it is good to be back!''' ** Bill Cipher ===''The Garfield Show''=== *'''Be careful Jennifer, the unspeakable horrors nearby, it could be anywhere, anywhere at all… You never know what an unspeakable horror will just walk in the door…''' ** Who: Man on TV ===''Animaniacs''=== * '''Newsreel of the Stars. Dateline: Hollywood, 1930, the Warner Bros. Studio, home of the biggest stars in Tinsel Town. Here at the studio's new animation department, the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars, ultimately creating three new characters - the Warner Brothers and their sister, Dot.''' ** Who: Narrator * '''Helloooo Nurse!''' ** Who: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993-1998) * '''Alan, this species of cartoon has been extinct since 1993. I mean, these haven't been seen on TV since the golden era of animation! What?''' ** Who: Dr. Ellie Sattler (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020-2025) * '''T-togas!''' ** Who: Yakko Warner (Season 2) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020-2025) * '''Hey, sibs! Remember when we had our DNA tested?''' ** Who: Yakko Warner (Season 3) ** Source: ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020-2025) ===''Star vs. the Forces of Evil''=== * ''[narration]'' '''Far, far away, on a magical land called Mewni lived a princess, Star Butterfly.''' ''[spoken]'' '''RAIL SLIDE!!!!''' ''[narration]'' '''Some people have called me reckless and irresponsible just because, I fight monsters and tame wild unicorns. I like to have a lot of fun and I'm about have a whole lot more because today is my 14th birthday, and according to tradition, my mom the queen has to bestow upon me our greatest family heirloom: the royal magic wand!''' ** Who: Star Butterfly (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Guess who? It's me, Star! I have some exciting news for you. Well first, Marco got kidnapped, and I had to blow up a bunch of stuff including my wand, and I was super bummed, because I thought was never gonna get to do magic again, but then I got my new wan.. My new wand! Oh yeah, and Marco's okay. Say hi, Marco!''' ** Who: Star Butterfly (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''You know what, Jackie, can I call you back? Look Star, this is a stressful situation I get that, but would it kill you to slow down for a second? You're kind of going overboard. I mean, do you really have to pack this vintage laptop and this purple-y bubbly tea thingy? Why don't you try some breathing exercises?''' ** Who: Marco Diaz (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Did you hear that?''' ** Who: Angie Diaz (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Mama, I need to talk to you! I can't believe it!''' ** Who: Star Butterfly (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Oh! Not bad, me!''' ** Who: Star Butterfly (Season 4A) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) * '''Whatcha lookin' at over there?''' ** Who: Marco Diaz (Season 4B) ** Source: ''[[Star vs. the Forces of Evil]]'' (2015-2019) ===''Big City Greens''=== * '''HAHAHAHAHHHHHH!!! Oh, hi there! We're your new neighbors. My name's Cricket. Cricket Green. Hey, where ya goin'? Oh, okay, you're busy that's fine. Well stop by anytime!''' ** Who: Cricket Green (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Quote was from "Space Chicken", which is technically the second episode chronologically but the first produced as a pilot. The "official" first line was, "Movin' to Gramma's house, oh, we're movin' to Gramma's house, oh, we're movin' to Gramma's houuuuuuuse!" * '''And a one, and a two, and a JUMP!''' ** Who: Tilly Green (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''"No trespassing", huh? Well Nancy Green ain't trespassin', she's liberatin'.''' ** Who: Nancy Green (Season 1C) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Quote from "Uncaged", which is the actual mid-season premiere. But, if you count "Harvest Dinner" as the mid-season premiere then the first line would be "I'm not one to boast, but gosh darn it, you done good, Bill Green." by Bill Green. * '''Look alive, Cricket. The boss Ms. Cho will be here any minute.''' ** Who: Gloria Sato (Season 2A part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Nothing like an exciting day of window shopping, huh kids?''' ** Who: Bill Green (Season 2A part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Upsy daisy, Gramma! C'mon, family! Follow the sound of my voice!''' ** Who: Cricket Green (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Oh, this is awful!''' * '''You wouldn't believe it!''' * '''It's terrible!''' * '''What are we gonna do?!''' ** Who: The Green Family (Season 2C part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Quote from "Chipocalypse Now" which is the actual mid-season premiere. But if you count "Rent Control" as the mid-season premiere, then the first line would be "Oh, Gloria, how did it come to this? First, Big Coffee gets shut down and I lose my job. But then I get a job at Wholesome Foods! Cool, right? Wrong! I have to go and sacrifice it to help the Greens save their house, which I am now living in, because I can't pay for my apartment, BECAUSE I HAVE NO JOB!!!!!!!!!" by Gloria Sato. * '''All right, from the top!''' ** Who: Community Sue (Season 2C part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''How we doin' on untangling those lights, ladies?''' ** Who: Bill Green (Season 3A part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Although it's not really the first line in Season 3. The season premiere was supposed to be "Boss Life". That means the first line in Season 3 was supposed to be "Comin' right up!" by Cricket Green. * '''Order of quiet...''' ''[muffled]'' '''...and I said, no, no.''' ** Who: Cricket Green (Season 3A part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Hey everyone, did you hear the news?!''' ** Who: Benny (Season 3B part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ** Note: Quote from "The Move" which is the actual mid-season premiere. But, if you count "Country Side" as the mid-season premiere, then the first line would be "Remember when I let all the animals into the cafe?!" by Cricket Green. * '''My dearest Andromeda: Hi! This is your old pal, Tilly, reportin' in from the country. It's my first week here, and the weather is lovely. You can even see the whole galaxy at night! Trust me when I say it is ''beautiful!'' I miss you soooooooooOOOOOOOO much! And that is with seventeen O's, which you know I do NOT use lightly. I've been feelin' a bit lonely without ya, and unsure what to do about it. So this mornin', I decided to head to the woods to get some friendly advice. Ya see, here in the country, the woods are full of wise creatures. But for this problem, I needed advice from the wisest creature of them all.''' ** Who: Tilly Green (Season 3B part 2) * '''It was the citiest of times, it was the country-est of times. Ever since Mama moved to the country, life has never been better for the Green family. Mama spends her days farming crops in Smalton, and Papa sells those crops at our stand in the city.''' ** Who: Tilly Green (Season 4A part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!''' ** Who: Cricket Green, Tilly Green, Remy Remington, and Andromeda (Season 4A part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Wowee... the Smalton Fair! An ode to the ballyhoo of yesteryear.''' ** Who: Tilly Green (Season 4B part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Yup, today's the day. FAMILY, I'M DYIN'!''' ** Who: Alice Green (Season 4B part 2) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) * '''Stay alert, crew.''' ** Who: Boat captain (Season 4C part 1) ** Source: ''[[Big City Greens]]'' (2018-2025) ===''Amphibia''=== * '''Good night, you frogs! See you in the 'morrow! Oi!''' ** Who: Walliam Ribbiton aka One-Eyed Wally (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) * '''Iced flies! Get your iced flies here!''' ** Who: Unknown Frog (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) * '''Help, it's been three months. Still up here.''' ** Who: Unknown Frog (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) ** Note: Although "Handy Anne" is the season premiere, it could also be the second episode of the season if the first one was "The Shut In", even though it's a non-canon. If the Halloween episode was the season premiere, then the first line of the season would be "Happy Shut In!" by an unknown frog. * '''All right, Polly, check this out! According to this map, if we drive straight through the night, we'll be home by morning!''' ** Who: Sprig Plantar (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) * '''What the...?!''' * '''Aah! What is that thing?!''' * '''What is that thing?!''' ** Who: The Plantar Family (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) * '''Okay, this is getting hard to ignore, X. What do you know about these amphibious extraterrestrials?''' ** Who: FBI Chief (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[Amphibia (TV Series)|Amphibia]]'' (2019–present) ** Note: Although, this is not really the first line of Season 3B. The mid-season premiere was supposed to be "Commander Anne". That means the first line of Season 3B was supposed to be "What happened to this place?!". ===''Soul Eater''=== * '''A sound soul, dwells within a sound of mind and a sound body.''' ** Who: Maka Albarn ** Note: Used in every episode except the final episode of the series. ===''SpongeBob SquarePants''=== * '''Ah, the sea...so fascinating. So wonderful. Here we see Bikini Bottom teeming with life. Home of one of my favorite creatures, SpongeBob SquarePants. Yes, of course he lives in a pineapple, you silly.''' ** Who: French Narrator (season 1) (broadcast and production) ** Note: Although, if not counting the French Narrator, SpongeBob is the first character to speak. * '''Today's the big day, Gary!''' [Gary: Meow] '''Look at me, I'm NAKED!!!!!''' ''[puts on his pants]'' '''I gotta be in top physical condition for today, Gary.''' [Gary: Meow.] ** Who: ''SpongeBob SquarePants'' (season 1) * [Gary: Meow.] ''[shocked]'' Gary! ''[quickly changes to the football game on the TV]'' '''I was just looking for the sports channel, Gary.''' ''[nervous laugh; hears a knock on the door]'' '''Come in!''' ** Who: ''SpongeBob SquarePants'' (season 2) (production) * '''Wow, it's Sunday! Guess what's for breakfast!''' [Gary: Meow?] '''That's right! A sundae!''' ** Who: ''SpongeBob SquarePants'' (season 2) (broadcast) * ''[in a bored tone]'' '''Here you go, sir. A King-Size Ultra Krabby Supreme with the works, double batter fried on a stick.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 3) (production) * '''Excuse me, miss?''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 3) (broadcast) * '''Finished at last! What do you boys think of me new masterpiece?''' ** Who: Mr. Krabs (season 4) * '''We take you now to Encino, California, where we find the President of the SpongeBob SquarePants fan club...flipping burgers?!''' ** Who: French Narrator (season 5) (production and broadcast) * '''Oooooooooooooooooooooooo-oioooooooh-woh-wooooh, how much chum could a sea slug chug if a sea slug could chug... ''[gasps, grabs the phone]'' '''Mr. Krabs, you gotta get out of here! It's a code blue situation!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 6) (production) * '''Hello, and welcome one and all, to a super special episode of House Fancy. I'm your host, Nicholas Withers. Our first, very special guest on today's show will be none other than...''' ** Who: Nicholas Withers (season 6) (broadcast) * '''All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 7) (production) * '''The coast looks clear.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 7) (broadcast) * '''Hmmm. Sounds like a mutiny. What the...? What in Neptune's knickers is this?!''' ** Who: Mr. Krabs (season 8) (production) * '''Patrick! Tee time, Patrick! Patrick!''' ''[cuts to Squidward]'' '''Tee time, Patrick!''' ''[cuts to Patrick's house]'' '''Patrick! Wake up!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 8) (broadcast) * '''A little more sand. Pat, Pat, Pat. Pat, Pat, Patrick! Check it out. An exact replica of the Krusty Krab. One sandy patty. Extra grit.''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 9A) (production and broadcast) * '''Well Squiddy, 20 minutes of a bath is probably enough. Ah, another day, another day.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 9B) (production) ** Note: Although it's still technically the mid-season premiere of season 9, its sister episode aired before that. * '''And how is everything for you today, sir?''' ** Who: Mr. Krabs (season 9B) (broadcast) * '''Your turn.''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 10) (production and broadcast) * '''Ooh, this grass feels great between my toes. Hey, Patrick, are you enjoying our early morning nature hike?''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 11) (production) * '''Spot? Spot? Spot? Where are you, Spot? Oh, there you are, boy! Come to me. Jump in my arms and give me your precious kisses. Good amoeba. You get a num-num.''' ** Who: Sheldon J. Plankton (season 11) (broadcast) * '''SpongeBob!''' ** Who: Mr. Krabs (season 12) (production and broadcast) * '''Order for-''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 13) (production and broadcast) * '''Alright Karen, I'm off to go Shopping.''' ** Who: Sheldon J. Plankton (season 14) (production and broadcast) *'''Nice flipping today, Spatty. Great grill work, Grilly. And we couldn't have done it without you, Flamey. See you tomorrow! Gallopin' garbage!''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 15) (production and broadcast) *'''Nothing beats a cool drink on a lazy river, eh, Patrick?''' ** Who: SpongeBob SquarePants (season 16) (broadcast) *'''Well, I'm off to work, Barry.''' ** Who: SpongeTom (season 16) (production) ** Source: ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]'' (1999–present) *'''Time to make art.''' ** Who: Squidward Tentacles (season 17) (production) * '''First catch!''' ** Who: "First Catch" sign ** Note: SpongeBob is still technically the first character to speak. * '''Huh?''' ''[sighs]'' '''That dream again. That jelly-riffic dream. Well, today's the day I'm gonna make my dream come true.''' ** Who: Young SpongeBob SquarePants (season 1) ** Source: ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]'' (2021-2024) * '''Steady... Almost...''' ** Who: Sheldon Plankton (season 2) ** Source: ''[[Kamp Koral: SpongeBob's Under Years]]'' (2021-2024) * '''The best way out of bed, is an urchin on your head.''' ** Who: Patrick Star (season 1) ** Source: ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-2025) * '''Perch Perkins here live at the premiere of The Patrick Show season 2, let's take a look!''' ** Who: Perch Perkins (season 2) ** Source ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-2025) * '''Happy birthday, Patrick!''' ** Who: Squidina, Cecil and Bunny Star (season 3) ** Source ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-2025) * '''The Patrick Star Show is filmed before a live studio audience.''' ** Who: Narrator (season 4) ** Source ''[[The Patrick Star Show]]'' (2021-2025) ===''Steven Universe''=== * '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! This can't be happening! This has to be a dream! Lars! Lars! Please tell me I'm dreaming!''' ** Who: Steven Universe ** Source: ''[[Steven Universe]]'' (2013-2019) * '''Mwah!''' ** Who: Steven Universe ** Source: ''[[Steven Universe Future]]'' (2019–present) ===''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]''=== * '''Boo!''' ** Who: [[w:Rapunzel (Disney character)|Rapunzel]] (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Okay, boys. Let's get to work.''' ** Who: King Frederic (Season 1B) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''He went this way!''' ** Who: Corona Guards (Season 1C) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Oh. Oh! Excuse me!''' ** Who: [[w:Rapunzel (Disney character)|Rapunzel]] (Season 1D) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''I can't stand this anymore. This stone has destroyed too many lives! It stops today!''' ** Who: King Edmund (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Come on.''' ** Who: Lance Strongbow (Season 2B) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Cassandra Cassandra. Cassandra. There you are, Cassandra. I'd nearly given up on you.''' ** Who: Lance Strongbow (Season 3A) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) * '''Your Highness, here's the manifest from Neserdnia's latest shipment of goods.''' ** Who: Corona Guards (Season 3B) ** Source: ''[[Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure]]'' (2017-2020) ===''The Ghost and Molly McGee''=== * '''Your performance...is disappointing.''' ** Who: Ghost Council member (Season 1A) ** Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) * '''I can't wait for the Global Games. They enhappify the whole world all at once!''' ** Who: Molly McGee (Season 1B part 1) ** Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) * '''Brighton...A place where dreams are born and turnips are grown. We may be a small town...but we've got an enlarged heart. And I'm proud to call this my forever home. My dream is to enhappify Brighton. And then to get the word enhappify in the dictionary. So choose me, Molly McGee, as Brighton's Mayor for a Day!''' ** Who: Molly McGee (Season 1B part 2) ** Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) * '''Check my chops on this fill! It's called freestyle music, and I'm exploding it!''' ** Who: Scratch (Season 2A) ** Source: ''[[The Ghost and Molly McGee]]'' (2021-2024) ===''The Loud House''=== * '''Do you believe in ghosts? Join me, Hunter Spector, spectre hunter, leader of the Academy of Really Good Ghost Hunters, or ARGGH! As I descend into the scariest place in any home, the basement! Sunday night at 8 PM! Don't miss it, or you'll be left in the dark! ARGGH!''' ** Who: Hunter Spector (Season 1, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''It's the day before Christmas and there's no better time to be in the Loud House.''' ** Who: Lincoln Loud (Season 2, production) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''Today is the Fifth Grade Internship Fair and Clyde and I are making sure to put our best foot forward. 'Cause there's only one place we wanna work... * '''Flip's Food & Fuel!''' ** Who: Lincoln Loud and Clyde McBride (Season 2, broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''1,797, 1,798, 1,799...1800!''' ** Who: Loud family (Season 3, production) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''Yo, Chunk! Right on time, dude!''' ** Who: Luna Loud (Season 3, broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''Gah! Lalo, what the heck, dude?''' ** Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago (Season 4, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''Wear lucky underwear. Check. Wear new jeans. Check. Put on best polo. Check. Things are pretty crazy around the Loud House this morning.''' ** Who: Lincoln Loud (Season 5, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''There's no escape, Agent Steele! Going somewhere?''' ** Who: MALICE Agent (Season 6, production) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''That looks delicious!''' ** Who: Zach Gurdle (Season 6, broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''A little more to your left. Okay, hold out your right arm. Bend it 55 degrees now. Lift the satellite a little higher. Now, right leg up. We got it!''' ** Who: Lisa Loud (Season 7, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) * '''A little higher on the right. Little higher. Now a little lower. A little lower. It has to be perfect for Lori!''' ** Who: Lynn Loud Sr. (Season 8, production and broadcast) ** Source: ''[[The Loud House]]'' (2016-2024) ===''The Casagrandes''=== * '''Dah!''' ** Who: Carlos Casagrande (Season 1) ** Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–present) * '''I've got you now Bird-brain. There's nowhere for you to hide.''' ** Who: La Cobra (Season 2) ** Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–present) * '''Gatos! Gatos! Gatos! Gatos!''' ** Who: Ronnie Anne Santiago, Sergio, and Carlos Casagrande Jr. (Season 3) ** Source: ''[[The Casagrandes]]'' (2019–present) ===''Thomas and Friends''=== * '''Thomas is a tank engine who lives at the big station on the Island of Sodor. He's a cheeky little engine with six small wheels, a short stumpy funnel, a short stumpy boiler, and a short stumpy dome.''' ** Who: Narrator ** Note: If not counting the narrator, Thomas is the first character to speak. * '''Wake up, Lazybones! Why can't you work hard like me?''' ** Who: Thomas ** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends]]'' (1984–2021) * '''Whoa...! And just one more track and I'll beat my "Stack the Tracks" record!''' ** Who: Thomas ** Source: ''[[Thomas and Friends: All Engines Go]]'' (2021-2025) ===''Total Drama''=== * '''Yo! We're coming at you live from Camp Wawanakwa, somewhere in Muskoka, Ontario. I'm your host, Chris McLean. Dropping season one of the hottest new reality show on television, right now!''' ''[moves to Dock of Shame]'' '''Here's the deal, twenty-two campers have signed up to spend eight weeks right here at this crummy old summer camp. They'll compete in challenges against each other, then have to face the judgment of their fellow campers. Every three days, one team will either win a reward, or watch one of their team members walk down the Dock of Shame. Take a ride on the loser boat, ha ha, and leave Total Drama Island, for good.''' ''[moves to campfire pit]'' '''Their fate will be decided here, at the dramatic campfire ceremonies where each week, all, but one camper will receive...a marshmallow.''' ''[takes a bite of one marshmallow]'' '''In the end, only one will be left standing and will be rewarded with cheesy tabloid fame and a small fortune, which let's face it: they'll probably blow in a week. To survive, they'll have to battle... Black flies,''' ''[flies buzzing]'' '''Grizzly bears,''' ''[grizzly bear roars]'' '''Disgusting camp food... and each other. Every moment, we'll be caught on one of the hundreds of cameras situated all over the camp. Who will crumble under the pressure? Find out here, right now on Total Drama Island!''' **Who: Chris **Source: ''[[Total Drama]]'' (2007-2014) * '''This is Toronto, the capital of North America, birthplace of funk where the Albino panther roams free. Beneath my size-13 brogues, 18 teams are arriving at this historic train station ready to embark on a race around the world. I'm your host, Don. And this is ''The Ridonculous Race''!''' **Who: Don **Source: ''[[Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race]]'' (2015) * '''Guys! Guys! Guys? Guess what?!''' **Who: Owen **Source: ''[[Total DramaRama]]'' (2018-2025) === ''[[Winx Club]]'' === * '''Wake up, sleepy head! The sun's been up for ages!''' ** Who: Vanessa (Season 1, Cinélume version) * '''Bloom, say hello to your mother for me.''' ** Who: Mister Genaro (Season 1, 4Kids version) * '''No time. I'll be found out any second now.''' ** Who: Aisha/Layla (Season 2, Cinélume version) * '''Summer was over and it was my first day back at Alfea. I was officially a sophomore!''' ** Who: Bloom (Season 2, 4Kids version) * '''I'll take this one to Mom's, that one to Dad's, no, wait! I need the blue top for Mom's picnic. But then I should have the red dress for Dad's royal parade.''' ** Who: Stella (Season 3, Cinélume version) * '''I'll bring this dress to Mom's for her garden tea and, let's see...hmmm, these to Dad's for the royal parade. Boy, packing for vacation when your parents are separated is way complicated. Do you think the garden tea dress should go to Dad's for open palace day?''' ** Who: Stella (Season 3, 4Kids version) * '''I'll take this blouse to Mom's and that dress to Dad's. No, wait! I need the blue top for Mom's picnic. Oh, but then I'll need the red dress for Dad's royal parade.''' ** Who: Stella (Season 3, Atlas Oceanic version) * '''Ah, a new year has started at Alfea.''' ** Who: Bloom (Season 4, Cinélume version) * '''I can't believe we're back at Alfea!''' ** Who: Bloom (Season 4, Nickelodeon version) * '''Whoo-hoo! Hello, Gardenia!''' ** Who: Bloom (Season 5) * '''Come on, you two!''' ** Who: Icy (Season 6) * '''Last stop, Alfea! Here we are!''' ** Who: Stella (Season 7) * '''Look at that!''' ** Who: Kelli (Season 8) ** Source: ''[[Winx Club]]'' (2003-2021) * '''My dear Pixieville Pixies, welcome to the celebration! Once again the protection spell will defend us from all outside dangers throughout the year! At this time we'd like to celebrate The Tree of Life! Let's all give thanks to it! An energy flows inside the tree and a sparkle of that power shines in each of its MagicPops! This year more pixies will earn their MagicPop by discovering their talent and using it for good. Caramel, Martino and Amore were the last Pixies to earn a MagicPop!''' ** Who: Ninfea ** Source: ''PopPixie'' (2011) * '''No sign of suspect in sector one.''' ** Who: Bloom ** Source: World of Winx (2016-2017) ==See also== * [[Last lines in animated TV shows]] [[Category:First lines|Animated TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows|*]] kgfru6f91fvczum1u7nqzmnk3eged2g 0 222657 3944551 3943959 2026-05-23T17:49:35Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944551 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears Show]]''''' is a English-language Australian 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation)) comedy television series, aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5, based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by The Joseph Cates Company, [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star/Hanna-Barbera Australia]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]]. It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until December 6, 1986 on [[w:CBS|CBS]]. ==Season 1 (1985)== ===Go Fly a Kite=== ===The Trojan Pumpkin=== ===The Spooky Old Mansion=== ===The Fly Away Pizza=== ===The Giant Bat Cave=== ===The Wild Wild Honey=== ===The Neighborly Skunk=== ===The Missing Pumpkin=== ===Too Much Birthday=== :'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and... :'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' '''''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!''''' <hr width=50% /> :'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what? :'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday pretty soon. :'''Sister Bear''': A party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings? :'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not. <hr width=50% /> :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The [[w:pony|ponies]] and the [[w:merry-go-round|merry-go-round]] are here. :'''Mama Bear''': The what? :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round. <hr width=50% /> :'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yay, Sister! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize! :'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square! :'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your birthday. It wouldn't be polite. <hr width=50% /> :'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles and we're all gonna sing "Happy Birthday, Sister Bear". ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... blow! <hr width=50% /> :''[Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister's friends sing "Happy Birthday Sister Bear". It is sung to the tune of [[w:London Bridge (nursery rhyme)|London Bridge]].]'' :'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪'' :''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪'' :''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪'' :''♪ We all love you! ♪'' :''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing "Happy Birthday, Sister Bear", Sister begins crying.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday! Why are you so upset? :'''Sister Bear''': ''[in between tears]'' '''It isn't fair! I was the first one out in [[w:musical chairs|musical chairs]], I didn't get my [[w:pin the tail on the donkey|donkey game]] prize, I got bounced on the ponies, and sick in the merry-go-round. And I don't want to have six cubs, I only want to have three!''' :''[Sister resumes crying.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis. How about your presents? You haven't opened them yet. :'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama. :'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely! But your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. And you're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way. <hr width=50% /> :'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake. ''[chuckles nervously]'' :''[Then the cubs chuckle along with him]'' '''NOTE''': This is one of the two episodes in the 1985 TV series where Lizzy Bruin appears in. The other is Season 2's "The Trouble with Friends". ===To the Rescue=== ===The Soccer Star=== ===Shoot the Rapids=== ===Knight to Remember=== ===The Super Duper Bowl=== ===The Not So Buried Treasure=== ===The Condemned Backscratcher=== ===Kong For a Day=== :'''Weasel McGreed''': ''[on the phone with Raffish Ralph]'' What sort of act? Uh-huh. But it better be good. In fact, it better be better than that last deal of yours. That fly away pizza was an L-E-M-O-N, LEMON! ===No Girls Allowed=== :'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse! :''[Sister tries to do her victory dance, but she stops when she hears a drawbridge noise. Brother and the other boys reveal a sign --attached to the underside of the clubhouse door-- which says, "NO GIRLS ALLOWED!".) :'''Sister Bear''': No girls allowed?! :'''Brother and the Other Boy Cubs''': ''[to Sister]'' '''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!''' :'''Sister Bear''': '''IT IS NOT FAIR! IT IS NOT FAIR! IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!''' :''[Sister runs off crying. The scene cuts back to the treehouse. In the next scene, Sister is seen with Mama and Papa. She has presumably reported to them about the boys/big cubs not letting her into their boy's clubhouse.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': '''YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR TO HAVE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE!''' :''[True to what Papa says, the boys not letting girls allowed is not fair for Sister and he --Papa-- agrees with that. That is, and it is fair that he --Papa-- should have a complete and total outrage. After Papa says, this he says...!]'' :'''Papa Bear''': ''[calmly, but sternly]'' '''NOW COME! WE ARE GOING TO GO BACK THERE AND MAKE THEM --THE BOYS/BIG CUBS-- TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I AM GOING TO DESTROY THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!''' :'''Sister Bear''': Right! :'''Mama Bear''': I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are being unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it, it's wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you. :'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can tear them limb from limb! ''[to Papa]'' Come on, Papa! :'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea for you to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own? :'''Sister Bear''': Could I? :'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, we can build it in the old climbing tree! :'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says: "No Boys Allowed". :'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you'll need is members. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Those boys were just being mean because I outhit them and won all their marbles! They're bad losers! :'''Mama Bear''': I suppose that's true, but you know, there's such a thing as a bad winner, too. :'''Sister Bear''': Bad winner? What's that? :'''Mama Bear''': A bad winner is somebody who makes a big braggy show every time she wins. :''[Sister Bear briefly imagines herself doing her victory dance whilst happily shouting "I won!" repeatedly, which is shown through a thought bubble.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': I see what you mean. :'''Mama Bear''': But I think we can work something out. ===The Missing Dinosaur Bone=== ===The Spookiest Pumpkin=== ===The Dancing Bees=== ===Learn About Strangers=== :'''Stranger''': I'm going to set up my [[w:orange|orange]]-and-[[w:green|green]] radio-controlled job and follow it in the [[w:car|car]]. Do you want to come along? :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Can I? :'''Sister Bear''': ''[Stops him]'' '''DON'T YOU DARE!''' :''[The stranger drives away.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[sing-songy]'' ♪'''BROTHER TALKED TO A STRANGER! BROTHER TALKED TO A STRANGER!'''♪ :''[Sister runs back to the house and tells Mama and Papa that Brother talked to a stranger. The scene cuts to Brother who is having a talking-to with Papa.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': But it was a big, orange-and-green radio-controlled job! :'''Papa Bear''': That doesn't matter! We have rules about strangers, and they're important! :'''Brother Bear''': We have rules about tattletales, too! :'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling. Tattling is telling just to be mean. And Sister was telling because she loves you and she was worried. :'''Brother Bear''': Do you think that guy was a bad apple? :'''Mama Bear''': Probably not. :'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case. ===The Disappearing Honey=== ===In the Dark=== :'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the [[w:library|library]] today? :'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time. <hr width=50% /> :'''Brother Bear''': Help! Screamed the three friends. Help! :'''Sister Bear''': '''STOP! STOP! STOP READING! STOP! STOP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE! :'''Brother Bear''': Sister is a scaredy bear! Sister is a scaredy...! :'''Papa Bear''': Now, now! That will be enough of that! ''[To Sister]'' Now sweetie, you mustn't let your imagination run away with you like that. It's only a [[w:book|book.]] :'''Brother Bear''': ''[Agrees with Papa]'' Yeah. It's only a book. :'''Sister Bear''': '''A STUPID DOPEY SCARY BOOK! :'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh! :'''Mama Bear''': Do you know anything about this, young fella? :'''Brother Bear''': It's like Papa said. She just let her imagination run away with her. :'''Papa Bear''': Uh-huh. ''[puts Sister Bear back in the top bed]'' Well, let's just put it this way. ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' If there's anymore "ooh ooh ooh", it's going to be followed by a little "ow, ow, ow!" :'''Mama Bear''': Alright. Let's settle down and get some sleep. Papa and I are going to bed now so we'll be right by and we'll leave the lights on for the time being :'''Sister Bear''': Thank you Mama. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[Angry]'' Leave the lights on?! What about me? I can't sleep with the lights on! They keep me awake! :'''Sister Bear''': Well that's just too bad. ''[Brother angrily gets out of bed and turns the lights off.]'' '''HELP!!! CAVE MONSTERS!!! MAMA!!! PAPA!!! COME QUICK!!! <hr width=50% /> :''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Help! :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep. :''[The lights go off]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Help! :''[The lights go on again]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep. :''[The lights go off again]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Help! :''[The lights go on yet again]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep! :''[The lights go off yet again]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Help! :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep... ===Ring the Bell=== ==Season 2 (1986)== ===The Messy Room=== :'''Echoing the book the episode was based with''': ''When small cubs forget to store and stash,'' :''Some of their favorite things,'' :''They go in the trash.'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Mr. Mailbear''': Good morning, Mrs. Bear. There's some mail for you. :'''Mama Bear''': Thank you, Mr. Mailbear. Oh, good. My "Treehouse Keeping" magazine. :'''Sister Bear''': Hi, Mama, excuse us. Hey, how about a game of tiddlywinks? :'''Brother Bear''': Okay. I'll race you up to our room. :'''Sister Bear''': You're on! :'''Mama Bear''': Those cubs! With that kind of energy, you'd think they could take better care of their room. Ahh... speaking of rooms, aren't these lovely? <hr width=50% /> :'''Mama Bear''': Dear, just look at these lovely rooms. :'''Papa Bear''': Wh-what? Rooms? What rooms? Help! Where am I? :'''Mama Bear''': These model tree house rooms in "Treehouse Keeping" magazine. Aren't they lovely? :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, they're nice enough, I suppose. But certainly, no lovelier than the rooms in our very own tree house. This lovely, gracious neat-as-a-pin living room, cozy, warm, comfortable in the extreme. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, it's alright, I suppose. :'''Papa Bear''': And our delightful dining room, a room to be proud of. Floor clean enough to eat off. Not to mention the table. :'''Mama Bear''': Yes, but... :'''Papa Bear''': And, of course, your wonderful spick-and-span, perfectly delicious kitchen, a model room if ever there was one. :'''Mama Bear''': Yes, but... :'''Papa Bear''': Yes, but what? :'''Mama Bear''': Yes, but there's one place in this treehouse I'm not proud of. Brother and Sister's room is a mess, a perfectly dreadful knock-down drag-out wall-to-wall mess. And I'm not going to stand for it any longer! I've put up with that messy room long enough! :'''Papa Bear''': Well, dear. I've got some urgent work to do in my shop. :''[Meanwhile in Brother and Sister's bedroom]'' :'''Brother Bear''': For Pete's sake, Sister, will you take your shot? We're playing tiddlywinks, not chess. :'''Sister Bear''': Just hold your horses. I didn't get to be tiddlywinks champ of Bear Country School by rushing my shot... :''[The cubs hear Mama's footsteps banging in the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An [[w:earthquake|earthquake?]] :'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path. Climbing the stairs. :'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall. :'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door. :''[Mama Bear pounds on the door]'' :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' '''♪Come in!♪''' :''[Mama pushes the door, which pushes the toys in the way. And instead of answering, she just scowls at the messy room.]'' :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' Hi, Mama. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[scowls]'' '''GRRR!''' :''[Mama notices the messy bedroom and notices many spiders and cobwebs.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Pretty nice collection of [[w:spider|spiders]] you got up here. :'''Sister Bear''': Yes, they're very useful. They eat the [[w:ant|ants]] that come in for food crumbs. :'''Mama Bear''': Very clever. Isn't it hard to get around? I mean, in all this mess? :'''Brother Bear''': Not really. Watch. :''[Brother playing pogo stick.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Very impressive. :''[Mama tries to get Brother and Sister's closet door to open.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': How do you get this closet door open to hang up your clothes, I mean. :'''Sister Bear''': Well, we don't bother. We just sort of hang our clothes in different places around the room. :''[Mama briefly pauses her outrage and smiles. That is, as she says...]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[smiles]'' Most impressive. In fact... :''[She stops smiling and goes back to being angry. And then, she next says...]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ...this is the most impressive mess I personally have even seen! '''The filthiest, dirtiest, most disgusting mess known to bears! UNQUESTIONABLY THE NUMBER ONE MESSY ROOM IN ALL BEAR COUNTRY, DESTINED TO GO DOWN IN THE FILTHY, DIRTY HALL OF FAME! And I am just not going to take it any longer! I'VE HAD IT! NO MORE MRS. NICE GUY! THE TIME HAS DEFINITELY COME FOR ME TO PUT...MY...FOOT...DOWN!''' :''[When Mama says, "No more Mrs. Nice Guy!", that means she is through --about the mess-- being Mr. Nice Little Bear. And she is not going to be nice about it again ever. When Mama "puts her foot down", she accidentally stomps on Brother's airplane cement.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Yecch! :'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, Mama. You have a perfect right to put your foot down. But when you did it, you put it down right on my airplane cement. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[from o.c]'' '''That does it! THAT DOES IT!''' ''[Back to her]'' '''Now hear this! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEANED! And for starters, I want this entire floor picked up, picked up clean and I want it done in exaclty...''' :''[She points to the bear clock --that is, as the scene cuts to the clock.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': '''...FIFTEEN MINUTES!''' :''[Cut to the cubs.]'' :'''Brother and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' Fifteen minutes?! :''[Cut back to Mama.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[frustratingly leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom]'' You've heard me! Fifteen minutes! :''[She leaves the bedroom. The cubs have three to fifteen minutes to clean up their room.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Anyway, that stuff she picked up with her foot is a start. :'''Sister Bear''': Look, we don't have time for smart remarks. You've got some heavy picking up to do. :'''Brother Bear''': I've got some heavy picking up to do? How do you figure that? Most of this mess is yours. :'''Sister Bear''': Oh, yeah? What about these? Your baseball cards? Your ball, bat, and glove? :'''Brother Bear''': Oh, yeah? What about these? Your farm animals? Your stuffed bunny? :''[Brother kicks Sister's stuffed bunny.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you're so smart, how am I supposed to sweep up with your dumb dinosaur toys all over the floor?! :''[Sister sweeps up Brother's dinosaur collection with the broom.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': They're not toys! They're models and you leave them alone! I'm working on a setup of the [[w:Mesozoic Era|Pleistocene Age!]]! :'''Sister Bear''': Pleistocene, schmeistocene! That's what you get for kicking my stuffed bunny! :''[The cubs pause the argument and notice the time.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[looks at the bear clock]'' You know something? :'''Brother Bear''': What? :'''Sister Bear''': This isn't getting the job done and the minutes are ticking by. :'''Brother Bear''': We better get to work. :''[They are cleaned up. That is, except for one thing. It is the pile of toys.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Well, what do you think? :'''Sister Bear''': What do I think? I think we're in big trouble. :'''Brother Bear''': And the 15 minutes are almost up. :'''Sister Bear''': What are we going to do!? :'''Brother Bear''': I'm thinking, I'm thinking. I'm... thinking I have a creative idea. :'''Sister Bear''': We sure could use one. Mama's gonna have a fit if we don't get this whole mess off the floor and out of sight. :'''Brother Bear''': Precisely! :''[Brother and Sister quickly pick up their toys. And they hide the mess in their closet. Then the scene dissolves to Mama rocking on her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time. Before standing back up, she --seriously-- looks at her watch.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': 15 minutes? 15 minutes! Time is up! :''[Mama zips out of her rocking chair. She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room "cleaned".]'' :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[cheering and in a sing-songy tone]'' '''♪TA-DA!♪''' :''[Mama --briefly-- looks around the cub's bedroom. But she is unaware that the cubs have hidden the mess in their closet.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[smiles]'' This is wonderful! ''[from o.c]'' I can actually see the floor! :'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, you can get around the room without a [[w:Pogo stick|pogo stick.]] :'''Mama Bear''': ''[proudly]'' And look! The floor is clean! And in any language, you can actually open the...! :''[Mama is still unaware that the mess is hidden in the cubs's closet. That is, until she gets to the closet. And --with her impression about the floor being clean-- she is about to open the closet door.]'' :'''Brother and Sister''': ''[together shouting --alarmed and pleadingly tell Mama to not open the closet door]'' No, Mama! Don't open the...! :''[But Mama opens the closet door anyway. Then all of the cub's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again. That is, after the cubs tried hiding the mess in their closet.]'' :'''Cubs''': '''...CLOSET!''' :''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs' toys. Then she gets up and furiously marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, retrieves a giant box, and writes down the word "TRASH" on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama? :'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for? :''[Mama Bear picks up one toy after another and starts to throw away some of the cubs's favorite things.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': '''It's for all of this trash!''' :''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' '''No, Mama! No!''' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' '''My baseball cards aren't trash!''' :''[Cut back to Mama who is throwing some of the cubs's favorite things into the trash box.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': '''All of this good for nothing but throw away trash!''' :''[Cut back to the cubs.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, crayons, and dinosaur coloring book trying to get it back out of the box]'' '''That's not trash! That's my best [[w:Doll|doll!]] Not my [[w:Coloring book|coloring book]] and [[w:Crayon|crayons]]! Help! HELP! PLEASE!''' :''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' '''Please Mama! Not my [[w:Dinosaur|dinosaur]] collection! Stop! That's my first [[w:Baseball glove|baseman's mitt!''']] HELP!''' :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': '''OH NO! HELP!''' :'''Papa Bear''': Cries for help! ''[runs into the house and enters the bedroom]'' '''QUIEEEEEEEET!''' :''[Papa sees the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': ''[calmy, but firmly]'' Well, the mess certainly has built up in this room. In fact, it's the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. Now, let's sit down and talk this over calmly. :''[The scene cuts to him and the cubs.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. ''[Close up of Brother]'' But it isn't fair to you cubs... ''[Cut to Sister]'' ...because you really can't have fun or relax in a room... ''[Cut to Mama, crossing her arms]''...that's such a terrible mess. ''[Back to him and the cubs]''. What you need is a little organization and maybe a box. :'''Brother Bear''': Not a trash box? :'''Papa Bear''': No, a toy box. I'll make you one and maybe a lot of other little boxes for your games and collections. :'''Sister Bear''': And how about one of those boards with all the holes in it? Like you have in your shop. :'''Papa Bear''': A pegboard! Good idea. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[calmly, but sternly]'' A little organization and a few rules! Rules about more sweeping, less arguing, and not leaving things to gather dust and cobwebs! :''[As echoed from the book --regarding with the trash box-- some of the cubs's favorite things did end up in Mama's throw away box. That is, but of course not Sister's teddy and Brother's dinosaur collection, sport cards, and baseball glove. But some of Brother's bird nests --from his bird nest collection-- especially the crumbling and fallen apart ones. On said page of that --regarding with the trash box-- it says, "Some of the cubs's favorite things ended up in Mama's throw away box. That is, but not including Sister's teddy bear and Brother's dinosaur collection, of course. But really, some things like Brother's bird nest collection, especially the crumbling and fallen apart bird nests".]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Regarding with the new changes to the closet.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': I do not think I dare. :'''Brother Bear''': Go ahead! Open it! :''[When Mama opens the closet, she sees all the boxes with the cubs's favorite things. And they are marked down with a specific category they belong to. For example, Brother's dinosaur collection belongs in the box of dinosaur models. That is, which is the box that has the word "DINOSAURS" marked on it.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Oh! Yes, indeed! A room and a closet to be proud of! :'''Sister Bear''': What about us? :'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, aren't you proud of us, too? :'''Mama Bear''': Abso-tively pos-olutley! :'''Papa Bear''': Hey, what about yours truly, '''[[w:List of Berenstain Bears characters|Papa Q. Bear]]'''? :'''Mama Bear''': What do you think, cubs? Should we keep ol' Papa Q.? :'''Cubs''': ''[Laughing]'': Yeah, let's keep him! ===The Terrible Termite=== :'''Raffish Ralph''': Who and what in the name of all that's where are you? :'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible [[w:termite|Termite...]] that is, They would if I had any friends... ===Forget their Manners=== :''[Brother and Sister Bear started with name-calling]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''HEY! COME ON, SILLYHEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA!?''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!''' :'''Sister Bear''': '''YOU NOODLEPUSS!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''LAY OFF, YOU LITTLE MINI!''' :'''Papa Bear''': Now, see here! <hr width=50% /> :''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Gimme that! :'''Sister Bear''': I had it...first! :'''Brother Bear''': Stop grabbing! :'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' For goodness sake! Where are your manners?! There's plenty of [[w:honey|honey]] for everyone. <hr width=50% /> :'''Mama Bear''': I'm calling it "The Bear Family Politeness Plan". It seems to me that the best way to fight bad habits is with good habits. For example, if any of us forgets to say "please and thank you", he or she has to sweep the front steps. And pushing or shoving means you have to beat two [[w:rug|rugs.]] :''[Echoing from the book, if you forgot a "please" or "thank you" you had to sweep the front steps, if you pushed or shoved you had to beat two rugs, and if you got caught name calling you had to clean the entire cellar. In the book, it says, "If you forgot a 'please' or 'thank you' you had to sweep the front steps, if you pushed or shoved you had to beat two rugs, if you were caught interrupting you had to dust the downstairs, and if you were caught name calling you had to clean the entire cellar".]'' :'''Brother Bear''': But Mama, all those chores? :'''Sister Bear''': '''YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR!''' :'''Mama Bear''': It seems to me that you're the ones that aren't being fair. Manners help us to get along with each other. Why, without manners... :'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your mama's absolutely right! :'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa, but interrupting is number 3 on the rude list. And the penalty is dusting the room. :'''Papa Bear''': But... :'''Mama Bear''': You didn't say, "thank you" for the [[w:duster|duster]]. I'm afraid that means after you're finished dusting, you have to sweep the front steps (and that's number 1). ''[leaves the living room]'' :''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean? :'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Penalty number 7! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the "Bear Family Politeness Plan" rule list]'' Weed the garden!? :''[Later, Papa dusts the downstairs, sweeps the front steps, pull the weeds from the garden. This was penalties 3, 1, and 7. He was caught interrupting, forgot a "Please" and a "Thank You", and made rude noises. And indeed, when starting the "Bear Family Politeness Plan", forgetting a "Please" or a "Thank You" meant you had to sweep the front steps, pushing or shoving was beat two rugs, interrupting was sweep the front steps, and name calling was cleaning the entire cellar.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores. <hr width=50% /> :'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' '''WHY THAT PIN HEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!''' :'''Sister Bear''': Papa, that's name calling! :'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is! :'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! Cleaning our entire cellar! :''[Echoing from the book, the penalty for name calling, it was "clean the entire cellar". So Papa gritted his teeth and remembered his manners.]'' :'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' You No-good nincompoop! Why I ought too...! ===The Wicked Weasel Spell=== ===The Truth=== :''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Mama's favorite [[w:lamp|lamp!]] :'''Brother Bear''': Smashed all to bits! :'''Sister Bear''': What are we gonna do?! :'''[[w:mockingbird|Mockingbird]]''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get the heck out of here. :''[The mockingbird, she flies away. As echoed from the book version, the bear family had some house rules just as any family has. The first rule --out of the three-- it was, "No eating honey in bed!". The second rule was, "No tracking mud on the clean floors!". And the third and final one was, "No playing ball in the house!".]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Brother Bear''': Oh, my gosh! Here comes Mama! :'''Sister Bear''': Oh, no! What'll we do? :'''Brother Bear''': We could hide the lamp! :'''Sister Bear''': There's no time! :'''Brother Bear''': Well, we can at least hide the [[w:soccer ball|soccer ball.]] :'''Sister Bear''': Hurry, here she comes! Hide it quick! :'''Mama Bear''': Well, I'm back from my shopping. Did you have your milk and cook...? ''[She sees that her best lamp is broken]'' My lamp! My very best lamp! What happened to it? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, um... :'''Sister Bear''': You see... :'''Brother Bear''': It got broken. :'''Mama Bear''': I know it got broken! How did it get broken? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, it was a bird! :'''Sister Bear''': A bird? Yes. A bird! :'''Brother Bear''': That's right! A big purple bird with yellow feet! :'''Sister Bear''': Yes! And a red head and green wingtips. :'''Brother Bear''': And funny little red feathers sticking out of its head. :'''Mama Bear''': This bird, did it make any kind of sound? :'''Brother Bear''': It squawked. :'''Sister Bear''': It whistled. :'''Brother Bear''': That's right. It squawked and whistled. :''[red-headed purple bird squawking and whistling]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Then it flew in the window, zoomed around the room, and broke the lamp. :'''Mama Bear''': Well, that was quite an experience. :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Yeah. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, hello, group! How's every little... ''[He sees that Mama's best lamp is fully broken]'' HOLY [[w:catfish|CATFISH!!]] What happened to Mama's best lamp? :'''Mama Bear''': It's quite an interesting story. Why don't you tell it to your Papa? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, there was this big green-headed yellow bird with purple feet... :'''Sister Bear''': No! A red-headed purple bird with yellow feet. :'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, yeah. A purple-headed green bird with red feet and yellow wingtips and green feathers growing out of it's... :'''Sister Bear''': No, no, no! A yellow-headed green bird with red feet and purple wingtips and... :'''Papa Bear''': Just a minute, please! You've got me confused. Now, what was it, a yellow bird with green wingtips and purple feet, or a purple bird with green wingtips and yellow feet, or a white bird with black spots, like that soccer ball behind my easy chair? Well, do you two say for yourselves? :'''Mama Bear''': Now, Papa, don't be too hard on them. You see? I'm not worried about the lamp. We can always get a new lamp or we can [[w:super glue|glue]] this one back together. What I'm sad about is the thought that maybe, just maybe, my cubs whom I've always trusted, aren't telling me the truth. And trust is not something you can put back together again once it's broken. :''[From Mama's saying, buying another lamp is always possible. That is, or gluing the old lamp back together.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': It wasn't a bird, it was a soccer ball! :'''Brother Bear''': And it was all my fault. :'''Sister Bear''': It was just as much as my fault. ===Save the Bees=== :'''Sister Bear''': A [[w:penny|penny]] for your thoughts, Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': Where's the penny? :'''Sister Bear''': Right here. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, what your old Papa was thinking about... :'''Mama Bear, Sister Bear and Brother Bear''': ...was honey! ''[chuckle]'' :'''Sister Bear''': That's all you ever think about, Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': It's all very well to scoff. But the fact is that honey is very important to Bear Country. Not only is it nature's most perfect food, it's the foundation of Bear Country's entire economy. Why, without bees and honey, Bear Country would be in very serious trouble! <hr width=50% /> :'''Weasel McGreed''': Just picture it, hundreds of thousands of these little darlings gulping down those bees, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp! :'''Raffish Ralph''': I'm picturing, I'm picturing! :'''Weasel McGreed''': Hour after hour! Day after day! And after a while, no more bees! :'''Raffish Ralph''': Ah, and no more bees means no more honey! :'''Weasel McGreed''': And no more honey means the end of Bear Country as we know it! <hr width=50% /> :'''Weasel McGreed''': "Mission accomplished!" ''[laughs maniacally]'' Release another bee! ''[laughs maniacally]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Professor Actual Factual''': They've done it! By Jove, they've done it! Brother and Sister have saved the bees! :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': With a little help from our friends. ===Get in a Fight=== :'''Brother Bear''': '''SISTER, GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!''' :''[Sister puts her face into Brother's face.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''MY FEET AREN'T DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS AND THEY'RE NOT IN YOUR FACE!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!''' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[still has her face in Brother's face]'' Oh yeah!? Well, you're the one that's dopey, Brother Bear! :''[With a smirk, Sister zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': And in any language, while you sit there like a claud, I'm getting into the bathroom ahead of you and locking the door! (You can have some time, if I leave any!) :''[Sister --after she says this-- runs off to the bathroom, gets into it before Brother, and locks the door. That is, after saying she is going to go to the bathroom ahead of him. And she next says...]'' :'''Brother Bear''': '''HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT...''' ''[running to the door.]'' '''...YOU LITTLE TWERP! YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR, YOU LITTLE NERD!''' ''[pounding on the door]'' '''IF YOU DON'T UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!''' :''[Sister vows that Brother can have some time in the bathroom if she leaves any time for him. But --forgetting that she is taking a long time in the bathroom and isn't sure whether she should let Brother have some time in the bathroom-- brushes her teeth. While she washes her face, combs her fur, and brushes her teeth, she sings a classic children's song called [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]. Then the scene cuts to Sister Bear who is singing [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] while brushing her teeth.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth,'' :''Brush our teeth,'' :''Brush our teeth,'' :''[Brother pauses banging and listens to Sister singing.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[in between outbursts]'' She's singing! :'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪This is the way we brush our teeth,'' :''On a cold and frosty morning.♪'' :''[She sings the song again. And this time, while brushing her teeth.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[muffled singing because she is brushing her teeth]'' ''♪This is the way we brush our teeth,'' :''Brush our teeth,'' :''Brush our teeth.'' :''This is the way we brush our teeth,'' :''On a cold and frosty morning.♪'' :''[The scene cuts back to Brother.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[resumes outbursts]'' '''IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN THERE, YOU LITTLE TWIT, I'M GOING TO FLATEN YOU OUT AND ROLL YOU UP LIKE A...''' ''[stops pounding]'' '''[[w:carpet|CARPET]]!''' :'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily comes out of the bedroom]'' Brother Bear! :'''Brother Bear''': ''[realizes]'' Hi, Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! :'''Brother Bear''': Well, you see, Papa... :'''Papa Bear''': What possible excuse could you have for banging on doors and calling your sister names? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, see, she put her feet in my face, then when I asked her not to, she called me "Grouchpuss". She got into the bathroom before me and locked the door. Then when I ask her to come out, she started to sing and… :'''Papa Bear''': ''[cuts him off]'' None of which is any kind of excuse for pounding on doors and calling names! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[comes out of the bathroom]'' Good morning, Papa. It certainly is a lovely day. :'''Papa Bear''': Good morning, Sweetie. ''[to Brother]'' Now why can't you be sweet and cooperate like your sister? :'''Brother Bear''': ''[turns red with anger, growls furiously and angrily slams the door]'' '''GRRR! I'M NOT GONNA SPEAK TO HER AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE!!!''' :'''Sister Bear''': You got a deal, Buster. ''[Brother Bear slams the door furiously]'' Papa, dear, would you ask that person beside you for the honey? :'''Mama Bear''': Hmm... :'''Papa Bear''': Not speaking. :'''Brother Bear''': Mama, dear, would you ask that person beside you for the butter? :'''Mama Bear''': Ohh! Ohh! <hr width=50% /> :'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay. :''[Sister steals back her clay and furiously squishes the clay dinosaurs, turns them into a lump, and angrily rolls it into a ball.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?! :''[As echoed from the book, Sister stole back her clay --which Brother made into clay dinosaurs-- and rolled them up into one big lump. Brother --on the other hand-- stole back his toy trucks and planes and hid them in a high closet shelf. And Sister could not reach them. Upon continuation, Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': You no-good rat! I've been working on that puzzle for two weeks! :'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[walking to him]'' Oh, yeah?! Well, my clay is my clay and you have absolutely no right! :'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my... :'''Sister Bear''': Never mind about your stuff, you no-good sword head! :'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit! Why I oughta! :'''Sister Bear''': '''You just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!''' :'''Papa Bear''': '''What in the world is going on up there?! I want that shouting stopped this instant! UNDERSTAND?!''' :'''Sister Bear''': It's all his fault! He called me names! :'''Brother Bear''': All ''my'' fault?! It's all ''her'' fault! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[in frustration]'' '''I don't care whose fault it is!''' ''[Brother and Sister go down the stairs]'' '''I want this fighting and bickering stopped! Stop...''' ''[leaning to them]'' '''...you hear?!''' ''[Papa, Brother, and Sister Bear then argue at each other]'' '''WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?! FAMILY FEUD?! I WANT THE NOISE STOPPED! STOP, YOU HEAR?!''' :''[Mama whistles to stop them.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama. :'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you that I've had quite enough of this foolish fighting. Why, I don't think you two even remember what you're fighting about. :''[Mama picks up the cubs, sits down on her armchair, and hugs Brother and Sister on her lap.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Regarding to Brother's clay dinosaurs...!]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[from the flashback]'' '''YOUR DINOSAURS, THEY LOOK STUPID ANYWAY!''' :''[Cut to reality.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[apologizes to Brother for wrecking his clay dinosaurs]'' I am sorry that I ruined your dinosaurs. I can help you make new ones if you like. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[smiles]'' Well? Okay. :''[Sister apologizes to Brother for wrecking his clay dinosaurs. Even though she still wrecked them and they are still broken, Brother forgives her anyway. That is, even though it was on purpose and even though she still did it. But when Sister says she will help him build new clay dinosaurs, Brother forgives her and accepts her apology.]'' ===The Bigpaw Problem=== ===Get Stage Fright=== ===Go Bonkers over Honkers=== ===The Great Honey Pipeline=== ===The Great Grizzly Comet=== ===The Sure-Fire Bait=== ===The Cat's Meow=== ===The Trouble with Friends=== :''[Sister and Lizzy pretend that they are playing pretend school. That is, pretend first grade. As Lizzy --who pretends to be the first grade teacher-- teaches the alphabet to the pretend preschool class, the pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig. Echoed from the book, Lizzy she had a pointer stick in one hand and a piece of chalk in the other.]'' :'''Lizzy''': Please be seated Sister. It's time for your lessons. First, I'm going to teach you the [[w:alphabet|alphabet]]. The first letter of the [[w:alphabet|alphabet]] is "A". :''[Lizzy --with the piece of chalk in the right hand-- writes a capital "A" on the pretend chalk board. That is, as she --in the left hand-- holds the pointer stick. Before she can ask the class if any of them know what the second letter of the alphabet is, Sister --pretending to be one of her "pretend students"-- interrupts Lizzy --who is the "pretend teacher"-- wants to have the pointer and be the teacher.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Now just a minute! Who said you were going to be the teacher?! When I play school, I'm the teacher! And not only that! I already know the alphabet! :'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' Sister Bear, if you don't sit down this minute, I'm going to keep you after school! :'''Sister Bear''': Is that so? ''[poking with her finger on Lizzy's belly]'' Well, if you don't give me that pointer, I'm going to keep you after school! :'''Lizzy''': '''OH NO YOU'RE NOT!''' :'''Sister Bear''': '''OH YES, I AM!''' :''[Sister grabs the pointer from Lizzy. They both wrestle for the pointer stick. All of a sudden, the stick snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the stick --as Sister had broken it.]'' :'''Lizzy''': '''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY POINTER! (AND IT IS TOTALED!)''' :''[That is what Lizzy says to Sister after Sister broke and totaled her pointer. In fact, Sister broke --and totaled-- it beyond repair.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''HERE! KEEP YOUR OLD POINTER! :''[Sister throws the pointer stick down in front of Lizzy's feet.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''I'M NEVER GOING TO PLAY WITH YOU AGAIN!''' :'''Lizzy''': '''NEVER IS TOO SHORT FOR ME!''' :'''Sister Bear''': '''GOOD! THEN I AM GOING TO TAKE MY DOLLS AND GO HOME!''' :'''Lizzy''': Sister's mad, and I'm glad! :'''Sister Bear''': Lizzy-Lizzy in a tizzy! :'''Lizzy''': Sister's mad, and I'm glad! :'''Sister Bear''': Lizzy-Lizzy in a tizzy! :'''Mama Bear''': Back so soon? :'''Sister Bear''': I'm never going to play with that Lizzy Bruin again! She's much too braggy and bossy! <hr width=50% /> :''[Sister and Lizzy make up for the fight yesterday.]'' :'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' Here's your doll back. You can be the teacher as many times as you want. :'''Sister''': ''[to Lizzy for a better idea]'' Or we can take turns. :''[But even though Sister still broke and totaled Lizzy's pointer stick, she and Lizzy bury the hatchet. Sister's idea does sound great though. Her idea is taking turns being the kindergarten/first grade teacher.]'' ===The Coughing Catfish=== ===The Substitute Teacher=== ===The Mansion Mystery=== ===Bust a Ghost=== ===The Ice Monster=== ===The Crystal Ball Caper=== ===The Raid on Fort Grizzly=== ===The Forbidden Cave=== ===The Hot Air Election=== ===Life with Papa=== ===Save the Farm=== ==Voice cast== * [[w:Lisa Vischer|Lisa Vischer]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and additional voices * [[w:Willie Rushton|William Rushton]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and additional voices * [[w:Mark Rendall|Mark Rendall]] as Brother Bear *[[w:Nancy Cartwright|Nancy Cartwright]] as Sister Bear *Mike Myers as Cousin Freddy * [[w:Mike Mulloy|Mike Mulloy]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and additional voices * [[w:Mike Yarmush|Michael Yarmush]], [[w:Aimee Castle|Aimee Castle]],Sonja Ball, [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] and [[w:Paul Angelis|Paul Angelis]] as additional voices ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}} [[Category:Australian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Australian preschool education TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:CBS animated TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]] 4t8aesp3c60vakojc7rfrivf9wqgncu 3944552 3944551 2026-05-23T17:50:52Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 /* Voice cast */ 3944552 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|The Berenstain Bears Show]]''''' is a English-language Australian 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation)) comedy television series, aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5, based on [[w:Stan and Jan Berenstain|Stan and Jan Berenstain]]'s ''[[w:Berenstain Bears|Berenstain Bears]]'' [[w:children's literature|children's book series]], produced by The Joseph Cates Company, [[w:Endemol Australia|Southern Star/Hanna-Barbera Australia]] and [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]]. It aired in the United States from September 14, 1985 until December 6, 1986 on [[w:CBS|CBS]]. ==Season 1 (1985)== ===Go Fly a Kite=== ===The Trojan Pumpkin=== ===The Spooky Old Mansion=== ===The Fly Away Pizza=== ===The Giant Bat Cave=== ===The Wild Wild Honey=== ===The Neighborly Skunk=== ===The Missing Pumpkin=== ===Too Much Birthday=== :'''Mama Bear''': ''[sighing; as she piles that season's pumpkins in a wheelbarrow]'' I do hope Papa is being careful. He's taking down that big tree today, and... :'''Papa Bear''': ''[off-screen]'' '''''TIM-BERRRRRRRRRRR!!!''''' <hr width=50% /> :'''Sister Bear''': Do we have them, Papa? :'''Papa Bear''': Do we have what? :'''Sister Bear''': Annual rings. :'''Papa Bear''': ''[laughing]'' No, my dear. We have something better: ''birthdays'' and birthday ''parties''. And it seems to me that you're going to be having a birthday pretty soon. :'''Sister Bear''': A party? Am I going to have a birthday party? ''[dancing excitedly]'' A real birthday party with all the trimmings? :'''Papa Bear''': I don't see why not. <hr width=50% /> :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, good. The [[w:pony|ponies]] and the [[w:merry-go-round|merry-go-round]] are here. :'''Mama Bear''': The what? :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, didn't I tell you? I rented ponies and a merry-go-round for the party. It just wouldn't be a party without ponies and a merry-go-round. <hr width=50% /> :'''Brother Bear''': ''[as Sister pins the tail on the donkey just right]'' Terrific! Way to go! Yay, Sister! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[removing the blindfold]'' Oh goody, I won, I won! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[presenting one of Sister's friends with a prize]'' Good work, sonny. Here's your prize! :'''Sister Bear''': But Mama, I won fair and square! :'''Mama Bear''': Of course you won, sweetie, but you can't get the prize because it's your birthday. It wouldn't be polite. <hr width=50% /> :'''Papa Bear''': ''[as Sister is presented with her birthday cake]'' Okay gang, when I give the signal, Sister's gonna blow out the candles and we're all gonna sing "Happy Birthday, Sister Bear". ''[to Sister]'' Okay sweetie, get set... blow! <hr width=50% /> :''[Papa Bear, Mama Bear, Brother Bear, and Sister's friends sing "Happy Birthday Sister Bear". It is sung to the tune of [[w:London Bridge (nursery rhyme)|London Bridge]].]'' :'''Papa Bear, Brother Bear and Sister's friends''': ''[singing]'' ''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear, ♪'' :''♪ Sister Bear, Sister Bear. ♪'' :''♪ Happy birthday, Sister Bear. ♪'' :''♪ We all love you! ♪'' :''[But after Papa, Brother and Sister's friends sing "Happy Birthday, Sister Bear", Sister begins crying.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Sweetie, what's the matter? It's your birthday! Why are you so upset? :'''Sister Bear''': ''[in between tears]'' '''It isn't fair! I was the first one out in [[w:musical chairs|musical chairs]], I didn't get my [[w:pin the tail on the donkey|donkey game]] prize, I got bounced on the ponies, and sick in the merry-go-round. And I don't want to have six cubs, I only want to have three!''' :''[Sister resumes crying.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Gee, Sis. How about your presents? You haven't opened them yet. :'''Papa Bear''': And cake and ice cream. You haven't had them yet, either. <hr width=50% /> :'''Sister Bear''': I want to thank you for my birthday party, Papa. You and Mama. :'''Papa Bear''': Parties ''are'' exciting, sweetie, and presents ''are'' lovely! But your Mama is right. Getting to be six years old is pretty important. And you're going to be six for a whole year, and it's up to you to make the most of it. To learn, to have fun, to grow in every way. <hr width=50% /> :'''Papa Bear''': ''[eating the last of Sister's birthday cake]'' You're absolutely right, Mama. ''[gulps]'' There is such a thing as too much birthday... and, too much birthday cake. ''[chuckles nervously]'' :''[Then the cubs chuckle along with him]'' '''NOTE''': This is one of the two episodes in the 1985 TV series where Lizzy Bruin appears in. The other is Season 2's "The Trouble with Friends". ===To the Rescue=== ===The Soccer Star=== ===Shoot the Rapids=== ===Knight to Remember=== ===The Super Duper Bowl=== ===The Not So Buried Treasure=== ===The Condemned Backscratcher=== ===Kong For a Day=== :'''Weasel McGreed''': ''[on the phone with Raffish Ralph]'' What sort of act? Uh-huh. But it better be good. In fact, it better be better than that last deal of yours. That fly away pizza was an L-E-M-O-N, LEMON! ===No Girls Allowed=== :'''Sister Bear''': Hey, terrific! A secret clubhouse! Hot diggety! A new clubhouse! A new clubhouse! :''[Sister tries to do her victory dance, but she stops when she hears a drawbridge noise. Brother and the other boys reveal a sign --attached to the underside of the clubhouse door-- which says, "NO GIRLS ALLOWED!".) :'''Sister Bear''': No girls allowed?! :'''Brother and the Other Boy Cubs''': ''[to Sister]'' '''THAT'S RIGHT! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!''' :'''Sister Bear''': '''IT IS NOT FAIR! IT IS NOT FAIR! IT JUST ISN'T FAIR!''' :''[Sister runs off crying. The scene cuts back to the treehouse. In the next scene, Sister is seen with Mama and Papa. She has presumably reported to them about the boys/big cubs not letting her into their boy's clubhouse.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': '''YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! IT ISN'T FAIR! IN FACT, IT IS FAIR TO HAVE A COMPLETE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE!''' :''[True to what Papa says, the boys not letting girls allowed is not fair for Sister and he --Papa-- agrees with that. That is, and it is fair that he --Papa-- should have a complete and total outrage. After Papa says, this he says...!]'' :'''Papa Bear''': ''[calmly, but sternly]'' '''NOW COME! WE ARE GOING TO GO BACK THERE AND MAKE THEM --THE BOYS/BIG CUBS-- TAKE YOU INTO THEIR SILLY CLUB! AND IF THEY DON'T, I AM GOING TO DESTROY THAT CLUBHOUSE LIMB FROM LIMB!''' :'''Sister Bear''': Right! :'''Mama Bear''': I don't think that's the answer. Those boys are being unfair. Sometimes boys act that way, so do girls, but whoever does it, it's wrong. The important thing is not whether you're a boy or girl, but the sort of person you are. Be that as it may, you can't make cubs play with you. :'''Sister Bear''': No, but you can tear them limb from limb! ''[to Papa]'' Come on, Papa! :'''Mama Bear''': Wouldn't it be a better idea for you to form your own club and build a secret clubhouse of your own? :'''Sister Bear''': Could I? :'''Papa Bear''': Why not? I'd be glad to help. Why, we can build it in the old climbing tree! :'''Sister Bear''': Terrific! The first thing we'll need is a big sign that says: "No Boys Allowed". :'''Mama Bear''': No, the first thing you'll need is members. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sister Bear''': Those boys were just being mean because I outhit them and won all their marbles! They're bad losers! :'''Mama Bear''': I suppose that's true, but you know, there's such a thing as a bad winner, too. :'''Sister Bear''': Bad winner? What's that? :'''Mama Bear''': A bad winner is somebody who makes a big braggy show every time she wins. :''[Sister Bear briefly imagines herself doing her victory dance whilst happily shouting "I won!" repeatedly, which is shown through a thought bubble.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': I see what you mean. :'''Mama Bear''': But I think we can work something out. ===The Missing Dinosaur Bone=== ===The Spookiest Pumpkin=== ===The Dancing Bees=== ===Learn About Strangers=== :'''Stranger''': I'm going to set up my [[w:orange|orange]]-and-[[w:green|green]] radio-controlled job and follow it in the [[w:car|car]]. Do you want to come along? :'''Brother Bear''': Wow! Can I? :'''Sister Bear''': ''[Stops him]'' '''DON'T YOU DARE!''' :''[The stranger drives away.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[sing-songy]'' ♪'''BROTHER TALKED TO A STRANGER! BROTHER TALKED TO A STRANGER!'''♪ :''[Sister runs back to the house and tells Mama and Papa that Brother talked to a stranger. The scene cuts to Brother who is having a talking-to with Papa.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': But it was a big, orange-and-green radio-controlled job! :'''Papa Bear''': That doesn't matter! We have rules about strangers, and they're important! :'''Brother Bear''': We have rules about tattletales, too! :'''Mama Bear''': Sister wasn't tattling. Tattling is telling just to be mean. And Sister was telling because she loves you and she was worried. :'''Brother Bear''': Do you think that guy was a bad apple? :'''Mama Bear''': Probably not. :'''Sister Bear''': That's right, but you have to be careful, just in case. ===The Disappearing Honey=== ===In the Dark=== :'''Sister Bear''': What are you going to take out at the [[w:library|library]] today? :'''Brother Bear''': Same thing I took out last time. <hr width=50% /> :'''Brother Bear''': Help! Screamed the three friends. Help! :'''Sister Bear''': '''STOP! STOP! STOP READING! STOP! STOP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE! :'''Brother Bear''': Sister is a scaredy bear! Sister is a scaredy...! :'''Papa Bear''': Now, now! That will be enough of that! ''[To Sister]'' Now sweetie, you mustn't let your imagination run away with you like that. It's only a [[w:book|book.]] :'''Brother Bear''': ''[Agrees with Papa]'' Yeah. It's only a book. :'''Sister Bear''': '''A STUPID DOPEY SCARY BOOK! :'''Sister Bear''': I heard it! It went... ''[cowardly moaning like a ghost]'' ...ooooohhh, oooooohhhh, oooohhh! :'''Mama Bear''': Do you know anything about this, young fella? :'''Brother Bear''': It's like Papa said. She just let her imagination run away with her. :'''Papa Bear''': Uh-huh. ''[puts Sister Bear back in the top bed]'' Well, let's just put it this way. ''[angrily looking down at Brother]'' If there's anymore "ooh ooh ooh", it's going to be followed by a little "ow, ow, ow!" :'''Mama Bear''': Alright. Let's settle down and get some sleep. Papa and I are going to bed now so we'll be right by and we'll leave the lights on for the time being :'''Sister Bear''': Thank you Mama. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[Angry]'' Leave the lights on?! What about me? I can't sleep with the lights on! They keep me awake! :'''Sister Bear''': Well that's just too bad. ''[Brother angrily gets out of bed and turns the lights off.]'' '''HELP!!! CAVE MONSTERS!!! MAMA!!! PAPA!!! COME QUICK!!! <hr width=50% /> :''[During the night, Sister's fear of the dark causes disruption as the cubs' bedroom light keeps getting switched on and off...]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Help! :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep. :''[The lights go off]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Help! :''[The lights go on again]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep. :''[The lights go off again]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Help! :''[The lights go on yet again]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep! :''[The lights go off yet again]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Help! :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Can't sleep... ===Ring the Bell=== ==Season 2 (1986)== ===The Messy Room=== :'''Echoing the book the episode was based with''': ''When small cubs forget to store and stash,'' :''Some of their favorite things,'' :''They go in the trash.'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Mr. Mailbear''': Good morning, Mrs. Bear. There's some mail for you. :'''Mama Bear''': Thank you, Mr. Mailbear. Oh, good. My "Treehouse Keeping" magazine. :'''Sister Bear''': Hi, Mama, excuse us. Hey, how about a game of tiddlywinks? :'''Brother Bear''': Okay. I'll race you up to our room. :'''Sister Bear''': You're on! :'''Mama Bear''': Those cubs! With that kind of energy, you'd think they could take better care of their room. Ahh... speaking of rooms, aren't these lovely? <hr width=50% /> :'''Mama Bear''': Dear, just look at these lovely rooms. :'''Papa Bear''': Wh-what? Rooms? What rooms? Help! Where am I? :'''Mama Bear''': These model tree house rooms in "Treehouse Keeping" magazine. Aren't they lovely? :'''Papa Bear''': Oh, they're nice enough, I suppose. But certainly, no lovelier than the rooms in our very own tree house. This lovely, gracious neat-as-a-pin living room, cozy, warm, comfortable in the extreme. :'''Mama Bear''': Oh, it's alright, I suppose. :'''Papa Bear''': And our delightful dining room, a room to be proud of. Floor clean enough to eat off. Not to mention the table. :'''Mama Bear''': Yes, but... :'''Papa Bear''': And, of course, your wonderful spick-and-span, perfectly delicious kitchen, a model room if ever there was one. :'''Mama Bear''': Yes, but... :'''Papa Bear''': Yes, but what? :'''Mama Bear''': Yes, but there's one place in this treehouse I'm not proud of. Brother and Sister's room is a mess, a perfectly dreadful knock-down drag-out wall-to-wall mess. And I'm not going to stand for it any longer! I've put up with that messy room long enough! :'''Papa Bear''': Well, dear. I've got some urgent work to do in my shop. :''[Meanwhile in Brother and Sister's bedroom]'' :'''Brother Bear''': For Pete's sake, Sister, will you take your shot? We're playing tiddlywinks, not chess. :'''Sister Bear''': Just hold your horses. I didn't get to be tiddlywinks champ of Bear Country School by rushing my shot... :''[The cubs hear Mama's footsteps banging in the hallway floor, approaching the cubs' bedroom.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': What's that? An [[w:earthquake|earthquake?]] :'''Brother Bear''': Worse, it's Mama on the war path. Climbing the stairs. :'''Sister Bear''': Stomping along the hall. :'''Brother Bear''': Pounding on the door. :''[Mama Bear pounds on the door]'' :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' '''♪Come in!♪''' :''[Mama pushes the door, which pushes the toys in the way. And instead of answering, she just scowls at the messy room.]'' :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[in sing-songy voice]'' Hi, Mama. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[scowls]'' '''GRRR!''' :''[Mama notices the messy bedroom and notices many spiders and cobwebs.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Pretty nice collection of [[w:spider|spiders]] you got up here. :'''Sister Bear''': Yes, they're very useful. They eat the [[w:ant|ants]] that come in for food crumbs. :'''Mama Bear''': Very clever. Isn't it hard to get around? I mean, in all this mess? :'''Brother Bear''': Not really. Watch. :''[Brother playing pogo stick.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Very impressive. :''[Mama tries to get Brother and Sister's closet door to open.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': How do you get this closet door open to hang up your clothes, I mean. :'''Sister Bear''': Well, we don't bother. We just sort of hang our clothes in different places around the room. :''[Mama briefly pauses her outrage and smiles. That is, as she says...]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[smiles]'' Most impressive. In fact... :''[She stops smiling and goes back to being angry. And then, she next says...]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ...this is the most impressive mess I personally have even seen! '''The filthiest, dirtiest, most disgusting mess known to bears! UNQUESTIONABLY THE NUMBER ONE MESSY ROOM IN ALL BEAR COUNTRY, DESTINED TO GO DOWN IN THE FILTHY, DIRTY HALL OF FAME! And I am just not going to take it any longer! I'VE HAD IT! NO MORE MRS. NICE GUY! THE TIME HAS DEFINITELY COME FOR ME TO PUT...MY...FOOT...DOWN!''' :''[When Mama says, "No more Mrs. Nice Guy!", that means she is through --about the mess-- being Mr. Nice Little Bear. And she is not going to be nice about it again ever. When Mama "puts her foot down", she accidentally stomps on Brother's airplane cement.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Yecch! :'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, Mama. You have a perfect right to put your foot down. But when you did it, you put it down right on my airplane cement. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[from o.c]'' '''That does it! THAT DOES IT!''' ''[Back to her]'' '''Now hear this! I WANT THIS ENTIRE ROOM CLEANED! And for starters, I want this entire floor picked up, picked up clean and I want it done in exaclty...''' :''[She points to the bear clock --that is, as the scene cuts to the clock.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': '''...FIFTEEN MINUTES!''' :''[Cut to the cubs.]'' :'''Brother and Sister Bear''': ''[told they are supposed to tidy up their messy bedroom in 15 minutes]'' Fifteen minutes?! :''[Cut back to Mama.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[frustratingly leaves the bedroom and gives the cubs a chance to clean their bedroom]'' You've heard me! Fifteen minutes! :''[She leaves the bedroom. The cubs have three to fifteen minutes to clean up their room.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Anyway, that stuff she picked up with her foot is a start. :'''Sister Bear''': Look, we don't have time for smart remarks. You've got some heavy picking up to do. :'''Brother Bear''': I've got some heavy picking up to do? How do you figure that? Most of this mess is yours. :'''Sister Bear''': Oh, yeah? What about these? Your baseball cards? Your ball, bat, and glove? :'''Brother Bear''': Oh, yeah? What about these? Your farm animals? Your stuffed bunny? :''[Brother kicks Sister's stuffed bunny.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Well, if you're so smart, how am I supposed to sweep up with your dumb dinosaur toys all over the floor?! :''[Sister sweeps up Brother's dinosaur collection with the broom.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': They're not toys! They're models and you leave them alone! I'm working on a setup of the [[w:Mesozoic Era|Pleistocene Age!]]! :'''Sister Bear''': Pleistocene, schmeistocene! That's what you get for kicking my stuffed bunny! :''[The cubs pause the argument and notice the time.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[looks at the bear clock]'' You know something? :'''Brother Bear''': What? :'''Sister Bear''': This isn't getting the job done and the minutes are ticking by. :'''Brother Bear''': We better get to work. :''[They are cleaned up. That is, except for one thing. It is the pile of toys.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Well, what do you think? :'''Sister Bear''': What do I think? I think we're in big trouble. :'''Brother Bear''': And the 15 minutes are almost up. :'''Sister Bear''': What are we going to do!? :'''Brother Bear''': I'm thinking, I'm thinking. I'm... thinking I have a creative idea. :'''Sister Bear''': We sure could use one. Mama's gonna have a fit if we don't get this whole mess off the floor and out of sight. :'''Brother Bear''': Precisely! :''[Brother and Sister quickly pick up their toys. And they hide the mess in their closet. Then the scene dissolves to Mama rocking on her rocking chair and reading a book, she is keeping track of the time. Before standing back up, she --seriously-- looks at her watch.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': 15 minutes? 15 minutes! Time is up! :''[Mama zips out of her rocking chair. She opens Brother and Sister's bedroom door, then Brother and Sister reveal the room "cleaned".]'' :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': ''[cheering and in a sing-songy tone]'' '''♪TA-DA!♪''' :''[Mama --briefly-- looks around the cub's bedroom. But she is unaware that the cubs have hidden the mess in their closet.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': ''[smiles]'' This is wonderful! ''[from o.c]'' I can actually see the floor! :'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, you can get around the room without a [[w:Pogo stick|pogo stick.]] :'''Mama Bear''': ''[proudly]'' And look! The floor is clean! And in any language, you can actually open the...! :''[Mama is still unaware that the mess is hidden in the cubs's closet. That is, until she gets to the closet. And --with her impression about the floor being clean-- she is about to open the closet door.]'' :'''Brother and Sister''': ''[together shouting --alarmed and pleadingly tell Mama to not open the closet door]'' No, Mama! Don't open the...! :''[But Mama opens the closet door anyway. Then all of the cub's toys fell out and the room reveals to become a mess again. That is, after the cubs tried hiding the mess in their closet.]'' :'''Cubs''': '''...CLOSET!''' :''[Mama grits her teeth since she is covered up by the cubs' toys. Then she gets up and furiously marches out of the room. She goes down to the basement, retrieves a giant box, and writes down the word "TRASH" on it. Then she goes upstairs with it and sets it down onto the floor.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': What are you going to do, Mama? :'''Sister Bear''': What's the box for? :''[Mama Bear picks up one toy after another and starts to throw away some of the cubs's favorite things.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': '''It's for all of this trash!''' :''[The cubs then watch in horror as Mama throws away some of their favorite things into the trash box.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[picks up a book trying to get it back]'' '''No, Mama! No!''' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[trying to get back his sport cards]'' '''My baseball cards aren't trash!''' :''[Cut back to Mama who is throwing some of the cubs's favorite things into the trash box.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': '''All of this good for nothing but throw away trash!''' :''[Cut back to the cubs.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[takes out her doll, crayons, and dinosaur coloring book trying to get it back out of the box]'' '''That's not trash! That's my best [[w:Doll|doll!]] Not my [[w:Coloring book|coloring book]] and [[w:Crayon|crayons]]! Help! HELP! PLEASE!''' :''[Cut to the workshop where Papa is sawing wood when he hears Brother and Sister's cry for help as Mama throws away some of their favorite things.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[offscreen]'' '''Please Mama! Not my [[w:Dinosaur|dinosaur]] collection! Stop! That's my first [[w:Baseball glove|baseman's mitt!''']] HELP!''' :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': '''OH NO! HELP!''' :'''Papa Bear''': Cries for help! ''[runs into the house and enters the bedroom]'' '''QUIEEEEEEEET!''' :''[Papa sees the mess in the cubs' bedroom that Mama made.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': ''[calmy, but firmly]'' Well, the mess certainly has built up in this room. In fact, it's the worst case of messy build-up I've ever seen. Now, let's sit down and talk this over calmly. :''[The scene cuts to him and the cubs.]'' :'''Papa Bear''': So you see, this messy room isn't fair. It isn't fair to your Mama and me. We have a lot of other things to take care of. ''[Close up of Brother]'' But it isn't fair to you cubs... ''[Cut to Sister]'' ...because you really can't have fun or relax in a room... ''[Cut to Mama, crossing her arms]''...that's such a terrible mess. ''[Back to him and the cubs]''. What you need is a little organization and maybe a box. :'''Brother Bear''': Not a trash box? :'''Papa Bear''': No, a toy box. I'll make you one and maybe a lot of other little boxes for your games and collections. :'''Sister Bear''': And how about one of those boards with all the holes in it? Like you have in your shop. :'''Papa Bear''': A pegboard! Good idea. :'''Mama Bear''': ''[calmly, but sternly]'' A little organization and a few rules! Rules about more sweeping, less arguing, and not leaving things to gather dust and cobwebs! :''[As echoed from the book --regarding with the trash box-- some of the cubs's favorite things did end up in Mama's throw away box. That is, but of course not Sister's teddy and Brother's dinosaur collection, sport cards, and baseball glove. But some of Brother's bird nests --from his bird nest collection-- especially the crumbling and fallen apart ones. On said page of that --regarding with the trash box-- it says, "Some of the cubs's favorite things ended up in Mama's throw away box. That is, but not including Sister's teddy bear and Brother's dinosaur collection, of course. But really, some things like Brother's bird nest collection, especially the crumbling and fallen apart bird nests".]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Regarding with the new changes to the closet.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': I do not think I dare. :'''Brother Bear''': Go ahead! Open it! :''[When Mama opens the closet, she sees all the boxes with the cubs's favorite things. And they are marked down with a specific category they belong to. For example, Brother's dinosaur collection belongs in the box of dinosaur models. That is, which is the box that has the word "DINOSAURS" marked on it.]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Oh! Yes, indeed! A room and a closet to be proud of! :'''Sister Bear''': What about us? :'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, aren't you proud of us, too? :'''Mama Bear''': Abso-tively pos-olutley! :'''Papa Bear''': Hey, what about yours truly, '''[[w:List of Berenstain Bears characters|Papa Q. Bear]]'''? :'''Mama Bear''': What do you think, cubs? Should we keep ol' Papa Q.? :'''Cubs''': ''[Laughing]'': Yeah, let's keep him! ===The Terrible Termite=== :'''Raffish Ralph''': Who and what in the name of all that's where are you? :'''Terrible Termite''': My friends call me the Terrible [[w:termite|Termite...]] that is, They would if I had any friends... ===Forget their Manners=== :''[Brother and Sister Bear started with name-calling]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''HEY! COME ON, SILLYHEAD! DIDN'T YOU HEAR MAMA!?''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''I HEARD HER! STOP BEING SUCH A FUZZ BRAIN!''' :'''Sister Bear''': '''YOU NOODLEPUSS!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''LAY OFF, YOU LITTLE MINI!''' :'''Papa Bear''': Now, see here! <hr width=50% /> :''[In the dining room, Brother and Sister are tugging over one honey jar]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Gimme that! :'''Sister Bear''': I had it...first! :'''Brother Bear''': Stop grabbing! :'''Mama Bear''': ''[enters the dining room and sees Brother and Sister fighting over a honey jar]'' For goodness sake! Where are your manners?! There's plenty of [[w:honey|honey]] for everyone. <hr width=50% /> :'''Mama Bear''': I'm calling it "The Bear Family Politeness Plan". It seems to me that the best way to fight bad habits is with good habits. For example, if any of us forgets to say "please and thank you", he or she has to sweep the front steps. And pushing or shoving means you have to beat two [[w:rug|rugs.]] :''[Echoing from the book, if you forgot a "please" or "thank you" you had to sweep the front steps, if you pushed or shoved you had to beat two rugs, and if you got caught name calling you had to clean the entire cellar. In the book, it says, "If you forgot a 'please' or 'thank you' you had to sweep the front steps, if you pushed or shoved you had to beat two rugs, if you were caught interrupting you had to dust the downstairs, and if you were caught name calling you had to clean the entire cellar".]'' :'''Brother Bear''': But Mama, all those chores? :'''Sister Bear''': '''YOU'RE NOT BEING FAIR!''' :'''Mama Bear''': It seems to me that you're the ones that aren't being fair. Manners help us to get along with each other. Why, without manners... :'''Papa Bear''': ''[interrupts]'' Your mama's absolutely right! :'''Mama Bear''': Thanks for your comment, Papa, but interrupting is number 3 on the rude list. And the penalty is dusting the room. :'''Papa Bear''': But... :'''Mama Bear''': You didn't say, "thank you" for the [[w:duster|duster]]. I'm afraid that means after you're finished dusting, you have to sweep the front steps (and that's number 1). ''[leaves the living room]'' :''[Papa starts dusting the table with a feather duster]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[reading the chart]'' Rude noises, what does that mean? :'''Papa Bear''': Oh you know, ''[blows raspberry]'' :'''Mama Bear''': Penalty number 7! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[names the penalty for the 7th rule; as shown on the "Bear Family Politeness Plan" rule list]'' Weed the garden!? :''[Later, Papa dusts the downstairs, sweeps the front steps, pull the weeds from the garden. This was penalties 3, 1, and 7. He was caught interrupting, forgot a "Please" and a "Thank You", and made rude noises. And indeed, when starting the "Bear Family Politeness Plan", forgetting a "Please" or a "Thank You" meant you had to sweep the front steps, pushing or shoving was beat two rugs, interrupting was sweep the front steps, and name calling was cleaning the entire cellar.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': This is serious. If we're not careful, we may end up doing all those chores. <hr width=50% /> :'''Papa Bear''': ''[after accidentally crashing the car]'' '''WHY THAT PIN HEADED FIDDLEBRAIN!''' :'''Sister Bear''': Papa, that's name calling! :'''Mama Bear''': (Penalty number 4!) You know what the penalty for that is! :'''Papa Bear''': The worst penalty of all! Cleaning our entire cellar! :''[Echoing from the book, the penalty for name calling, it was "clean the entire cellar". So Papa gritted his teeth and remembered his manners.]'' :'''Driver''': ''[angrily; to Papa after he accidentally bumped his car]'' You No-good nincompoop! Why I ought too...! ===The Wicked Weasel Spell=== ===The Truth=== :''[After Brother and Sister accidentally break Mama's best lamp]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Mama's favorite [[w:lamp|lamp!]] :'''Brother Bear''': Smashed all to bits! :'''Sister Bear''': What are we gonna do?! :'''[[w:mockingbird|Mockingbird]]''': ''[to Brother and Sister]'' Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get the heck out of here. :''[The mockingbird, she flies away. As echoed from the book version, the bear family had some house rules just as any family has. The first rule --out of the three-- it was, "No eating honey in bed!". The second rule was, "No tracking mud on the clean floors!". And the third and final one was, "No playing ball in the house!".]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Brother Bear''': Oh, my gosh! Here comes Mama! :'''Sister Bear''': Oh, no! What'll we do? :'''Brother Bear''': We could hide the lamp! :'''Sister Bear''': There's no time! :'''Brother Bear''': Well, we can at least hide the [[w:soccer ball|soccer ball.]] :'''Sister Bear''': Hurry, here she comes! Hide it quick! :'''Mama Bear''': Well, I'm back from my shopping. Did you have your milk and cook...? ''[She sees that her best lamp is broken]'' My lamp! My very best lamp! What happened to it? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, um... :'''Sister Bear''': You see... :'''Brother Bear''': It got broken. :'''Mama Bear''': I know it got broken! How did it get broken? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, it was a bird! :'''Sister Bear''': A bird? Yes. A bird! :'''Brother Bear''': That's right! A big purple bird with yellow feet! :'''Sister Bear''': Yes! And a red head and green wingtips. :'''Brother Bear''': And funny little red feathers sticking out of its head. :'''Mama Bear''': This bird, did it make any kind of sound? :'''Brother Bear''': It squawked. :'''Sister Bear''': It whistled. :'''Brother Bear''': That's right. It squawked and whistled. :''[red-headed purple bird squawking and whistling]'' :'''Brother Bear''': Then it flew in the window, zoomed around the room, and broke the lamp. :'''Mama Bear''': Well, that was quite an experience. :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': Yeah. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, hello, group! How's every little... ''[He sees that Mama's best lamp is fully broken]'' HOLY [[w:catfish|CATFISH!!]] What happened to Mama's best lamp? :'''Mama Bear''': It's quite an interesting story. Why don't you tell it to your Papa? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, there was this big green-headed yellow bird with purple feet... :'''Sister Bear''': No! A red-headed purple bird with yellow feet. :'''Brother Bear''': Yeah, yeah. A purple-headed green bird with red feet and yellow wingtips and green feathers growing out of it's... :'''Sister Bear''': No, no, no! A yellow-headed green bird with red feet and purple wingtips and... :'''Papa Bear''': Just a minute, please! You've got me confused. Now, what was it, a yellow bird with green wingtips and purple feet, or a purple bird with green wingtips and yellow feet, or a white bird with black spots, like that soccer ball behind my easy chair? Well, do you two say for yourselves? :'''Mama Bear''': Now, Papa, don't be too hard on them. You see? I'm not worried about the lamp. We can always get a new lamp or we can [[w:super glue|glue]] this one back together. What I'm sad about is the thought that maybe, just maybe, my cubs whom I've always trusted, aren't telling me the truth. And trust is not something you can put back together again once it's broken. :''[From Mama's saying, buying another lamp is always possible. That is, or gluing the old lamp back together.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': It wasn't a bird, it was a soccer ball! :'''Brother Bear''': And it was all my fault. :'''Sister Bear''': It was just as much as my fault. ===Save the Bees=== :'''Sister Bear''': A [[w:penny|penny]] for your thoughts, Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': Where's the penny? :'''Sister Bear''': Right here. :'''Papa Bear''': Well, what your old Papa was thinking about... :'''Mama Bear, Sister Bear and Brother Bear''': ...was honey! ''[chuckle]'' :'''Sister Bear''': That's all you ever think about, Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': It's all very well to scoff. But the fact is that honey is very important to Bear Country. Not only is it nature's most perfect food, it's the foundation of Bear Country's entire economy. Why, without bees and honey, Bear Country would be in very serious trouble! <hr width=50% /> :'''Weasel McGreed''': Just picture it, hundreds of thousands of these little darlings gulping down those bees, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp! :'''Raffish Ralph''': I'm picturing, I'm picturing! :'''Weasel McGreed''': Hour after hour! Day after day! And after a while, no more bees! :'''Raffish Ralph''': Ah, and no more bees means no more honey! :'''Weasel McGreed''': And no more honey means the end of Bear Country as we know it! <hr width=50% /> :'''Weasel McGreed''': "Mission accomplished!" ''[laughs maniacally]'' Release another bee! ''[laughs maniacally]'' <hr width=50% /> :'''Professor Actual Factual''': They've done it! By Jove, they've done it! Brother and Sister have saved the bees! :'''Brother Bear and Sister Bear''': With a little help from our friends. ===Get in a Fight=== :'''Brother Bear''': '''SISTER, GET YOUR DOPEY FEET OUT OF MY FACE!''' :''[Sister puts her face into Brother's face.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''MY FEET AREN'T DOPEY, GROUCHPUSS AND THEY'RE NOT IN YOUR FACE!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''NOW HEAR THIS! GET YOUR DOPEY FACE OUT OF MY FACE!''' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[still has her face in Brother's face]'' Oh yeah!? Well, you're the one that's dopey, Brother Bear! :''[With a smirk, Sister zips out of her bunk fast and runs in front of Brother.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': And in any language, while you sit there like a claud, I'm getting into the bathroom ahead of you and locking the door! (You can have some time, if I leave any!) :''[Sister --after she says this-- runs off to the bathroom, gets into it before Brother, and locks the door. That is, after saying she is going to go to the bathroom ahead of him. And she next says...]'' :'''Brother Bear''': '''HEY! YOU CAN'T DO THAT...''' ''[running to the door.]'' '''...YOU LITTLE TWERP! YOU UNLOCK THIS DOOR, YOU LITTLE NERD!''' ''[pounding on the door]'' '''IF YOU DON'T UNLOCK THIS DOOR...!''' :''[Sister vows that Brother can have some time in the bathroom if she leaves any time for him. But --forgetting that she is taking a long time in the bathroom and isn't sure whether she should let Brother have some time in the bathroom-- brushes her teeth. While she washes her face, combs her fur, and brushes her teeth, she sings a classic children's song called [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]]. Then the scene cuts to Sister Bear who is singing [[w:Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush|The Mulberry Bush]] while brushing her teeth.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': [sings] ''♪ This is the way we brush our teeth,'' :''Brush our teeth,'' :''Brush our teeth,'' :''[Brother pauses banging and listens to Sister singing.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[in between outbursts]'' She's singing! :'''Sister Bear''': [singing] ''♪This is the way we brush our teeth,'' :''On a cold and frosty morning.♪'' :''[She sings the song again. And this time, while brushing her teeth.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[muffled singing because she is brushing her teeth]'' ''♪This is the way we brush our teeth,'' :''Brush our teeth,'' :''Brush our teeth.'' :''This is the way we brush our teeth,'' :''On a cold and frosty morning.♪'' :''[The scene cuts back to Brother.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': ''[resumes outbursts]'' '''IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN THERE, YOU LITTLE TWIT, I'M GOING TO FLATEN YOU OUT AND ROLL YOU UP LIKE A...''' ''[stops pounding]'' '''[[w:carpet|CARPET]]!''' :'''Papa Bear''': ''[angrily comes out of the bedroom]'' Brother Bear! :'''Brother Bear''': ''[realizes]'' Hi, Papa. :'''Papa Bear''': What in the name of Bear Country is going on here?! :'''Brother Bear''': Well, you see, Papa... :'''Papa Bear''': What possible excuse could you have for banging on doors and calling your sister names? :'''Brother Bear''': Well, see, she put her feet in my face, then when I asked her not to, she called me "Grouchpuss". She got into the bathroom before me and locked the door. Then when I ask her to come out, she started to sing and… :'''Papa Bear''': ''[cuts him off]'' None of which is any kind of excuse for pounding on doors and calling names! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[comes out of the bathroom]'' Good morning, Papa. It certainly is a lovely day. :'''Papa Bear''': Good morning, Sweetie. ''[to Brother]'' Now why can't you be sweet and cooperate like your sister? :'''Brother Bear''': ''[turns red with anger, growls furiously and angrily slams the door]'' '''GRRR! I'M NOT GONNA SPEAK TO HER AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE!!!''' :'''Sister Bear''': You got a deal, Buster. ''[Brother Bear slams the door furiously]'' Papa, dear, would you ask that person beside you for the honey? :'''Mama Bear''': Hmm... :'''Papa Bear''': Not speaking. :'''Brother Bear''': Mama, dear, would you ask that person beside you for the butter? :'''Mama Bear''': Ohh! Ohh! <hr width=50% /> :'''Sister Bear''': Well, I like that. Some unauthorized person has been using my modeling clay. :''[Sister steals back her clay and furiously squishes the clay dinosaurs, turns them into a lump, and angrily rolls it into a ball.]'' :'''Brother Bear''': It took me a week to make those! ''[angrily goes to the jigsaw puzzle]'' Well, what about my jigsaw puzzle that some little twerp has been putting together?! :''[As echoed from the book, Sister stole back her clay --which Brother made into clay dinosaurs-- and rolled them up into one big lump. Brother --on the other hand-- stole back his toy trucks and planes and hid them in a high closet shelf. And Sister could not reach them. Upon continuation, Brother angrily knocks down the puzzle pieces, everything tumbling down the floor.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': You no-good rat! I've been working on that puzzle for two weeks! :'''Brother Bear''': What about my clay dinosaurs?! I was working on them for a school project! :'''Sister Bear''': ''[walking to him]'' Oh, yeah?! Well, my clay is my clay and you have absolutely no right! :'''Brother Bear''': I have every right! You're always using my stuff: my skateboard, my hockey stick, my... :'''Sister Bear''': Never mind about your stuff, you no-good sword head! :'''Brother Bear''': You're the sword head, you little silly nit-wit! Why I oughta! :'''Sister Bear''': '''You just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!''' :'''Brother Bear''': '''WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!''' :'''Papa Bear''': '''What in the world is going on up there?! I want that shouting stopped this instant! UNDERSTAND?!''' :'''Sister Bear''': It's all his fault! He called me names! :'''Brother Bear''': All ''my'' fault?! It's all ''her'' fault! :'''Papa Bear''': ''[in frustration]'' '''I don't care whose fault it is!''' ''[Brother and Sister go down the stairs]'' '''I want this fighting and bickering stopped! Stop...''' ''[leaning to them]'' '''...you hear?!''' ''[Papa, Brother, and Sister Bear then argue at each other]'' '''WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?! FAMILY FEUD?! I WANT THE NOISE STOPPED! STOP, YOU HEAR?!''' :''[Mama whistles to stop them.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': I didn't know you whistle that loud, Mama. :'''Mama Bear''': Well, I can. And I can also tell you that I've had quite enough of this foolish fighting. Why, I don't think you two even remember what you're fighting about. :''[Mama picks up the cubs, sits down on her armchair, and hugs Brother and Sister on her lap.]'' <hr width=50% /> :''[Regarding to Brother's clay dinosaurs...!]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[from the flashback]'' '''YOUR DINOSAURS, THEY LOOK STUPID ANYWAY!''' :''[Cut to reality.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': ''[apologizes to Brother for wrecking his clay dinosaurs]'' I am sorry that I ruined your dinosaurs. I can help you make new ones if you like. :'''Brother Bear''': ''[smiles]'' Well? Okay. :''[Sister apologizes to Brother for wrecking his clay dinosaurs. Even though she still wrecked them and they are still broken, Brother forgives her anyway. That is, even though it was on purpose and even though she still did it. But when Sister says she will help him build new clay dinosaurs, Brother forgives her and accepts her apology.]'' ===The Bigpaw Problem=== ===Get Stage Fright=== ===Go Bonkers over Honkers=== ===The Great Honey Pipeline=== ===The Great Grizzly Comet=== ===The Sure-Fire Bait=== ===The Cat's Meow=== ===The Trouble with Friends=== :''[Sister and Lizzy pretend that they are playing pretend school. That is, pretend first grade. As Lizzy --who pretends to be the first grade teacher-- teaches the alphabet to the pretend preschool class, the pretend school pointer Lizzy has is revealed to be a stick or twig. Echoed from the book, Lizzy she had a pointer stick in one hand and a piece of chalk in the other.]'' :'''Lizzy''': Please be seated Sister. It's time for your lessons. First, I'm going to teach you the [[w:alphabet|alphabet]]. The first letter of the [[w:alphabet|alphabet]] is "A". :''[Lizzy --with the piece of chalk in the right hand-- writes a capital "A" on the pretend chalk board. That is, as she --in the left hand-- holds the pointer stick. Before she can ask the class if any of them know what the second letter of the alphabet is, Sister --pretending to be one of her "pretend students"-- interrupts Lizzy --who is the "pretend teacher"-- wants to have the pointer and be the teacher.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': Now just a minute! Who said you were going to be the teacher?! When I play school, I'm the teacher! And not only that! I already know the alphabet! :'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' Sister Bear, if you don't sit down this minute, I'm going to keep you after school! :'''Sister Bear''': Is that so? ''[poking with her finger on Lizzy's belly]'' Well, if you don't give me that pointer, I'm going to keep you after school! :'''Lizzy''': '''OH NO YOU'RE NOT!''' :'''Sister Bear''': '''OH YES, I AM!''' :''[Sister grabs the pointer from Lizzy. They both wrestle for the pointer stick. All of a sudden, the stick snaps in half. Then the scene turns to Sister and Lizzy. And they each have a half of the stick --as Sister had broken it.]'' :'''Lizzy''': '''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID! YOU BROKE MY POINTER! (AND IT IS TOTALED!)''' :''[That is what Lizzy says to Sister after Sister broke and totaled her pointer. In fact, Sister broke --and totaled-- it beyond repair.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''HERE! KEEP YOUR OLD POINTER! :''[Sister throws the pointer stick down in front of Lizzy's feet.]'' :'''Sister Bear''': '''I'M NEVER GOING TO PLAY WITH YOU AGAIN!''' :'''Lizzy''': '''NEVER IS TOO SHORT FOR ME!''' :'''Sister Bear''': '''GOOD! THEN I AM GOING TO TAKE MY DOLLS AND GO HOME!''' :'''Lizzy''': Sister's mad, and I'm glad! :'''Sister Bear''': Lizzy-Lizzy in a tizzy! :'''Lizzy''': Sister's mad, and I'm glad! :'''Sister Bear''': Lizzy-Lizzy in a tizzy! :'''Mama Bear''': Back so soon? :'''Sister Bear''': I'm never going to play with that Lizzy Bruin again! She's much too braggy and bossy! <hr width=50% /> :''[Sister and Lizzy make up for the fight yesterday.]'' :'''Lizzy''': ''[to Sister]'' Here's your doll back. You can be the teacher as many times as you want. :'''Sister''': ''[to Lizzy for a better idea]'' Or we can take turns. :''[But even though Sister still broke and totaled Lizzy's pointer stick, she and Lizzy bury the hatchet. Sister's idea does sound great though. Her idea is taking turns being the kindergarten/first grade teacher.]'' ===The Coughing Catfish=== ===The Substitute Teacher=== ===The Mansion Mystery=== ===Bust a Ghost=== ===The Ice Monster=== ===The Crystal Ball Caper=== ===The Raid on Fort Grizzly=== ===The Forbidden Cave=== ===The Hot Air Election=== ===Life with Papa=== ===Save the Farm=== ==Voice cast== * [[w:Lisa Vischer|Lisa Vischer]] as Mama Bear, Gran, Teacher Jane, Officer Marguerite, Queen Nectar and additional voices * [[w:Willie Rushton|William Rushton]] as Papa Q. Bear, Mayor Honeypot, Too-Tall, Bigpaw, Jake, Henchweasels and additional voices * [[w:Mark Rendall|Mark Rendall]] as Brother Bear *[[w:Nancy Cartwright|Nancy Cartwright]] as Sister Bear *Mike Myers as Cousin Freddy * [[w:Mike Mulloy|Mike Mulloy]] as Raffish Ralph, Professor Actual Factual, Weasel McGreed, Gramps, Farmer Ben, Henchweasels, Snuff the Dog and additional voices * [[w:Mike Yarmush|Michael Yarmush]], [[w:Aimee Castle|Aimee Castle]], Sonja Ball, [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]], and [[w:Paul Angelis|Paul Angelis]] as additional voices ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series), The}} [[Category:Australian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Australian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Australian preschool education TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:CBS animated TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about bears]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about families]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Television series by Hanna-Barbera]] 7dhfu7qyfxhou3d6w8ao3u1mxqvlo9s 0 227982 3944547 3943961 2026-05-23T17:46:35Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944547 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dragon Tales|Dragon Tales]]''''' (1999–2005) is a English-French language American-Canadian-Quebecois 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation (Pilot) (1999 (un-produced/un-aired))/(Season 1) (1999-2000)/digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation (Seasons 2-3) (2001-2005))) educational fantasy children's television series in which two human siblings named Emmy, who was a 7-year old girl, and her younger brother named Max, who was a 5-year old boy, and later their new next-door neighbor named Enrique, who was a 8-year old boy, who was first appeared in Season 3, go on adventures in a magical land of dragons of three types, which are earth, winged and horned. The show was produced by the Children's Television Workshop (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Sesame Workshop (Seasons 2-3) (2001-2005), and Columbia TriStar Television (Seasons 1-2) (1999-2002)/Sony Pictures Television (Season 3) (2005), and distributed by Columbia TriStar Television Distribution (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Columbia TriStar Domestic Television (Season 2) (2001-2002)/Sony Pictures Television (Season 3) (2005), and was un-aired on broadcast syndication (regional syndication (first-run syndication)/public broadcasting syndication) (Pilot) (1999), and PBS (PTV/PTV Park) (Pilot) (1999) in English, in the United States, and CBC Television (CBC Playground) (Pilot) (1999) in English, in Canada, and Radio-Canada Television (Pilot) (1999) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, for the un-aired 24-minute pilot episode (un-aired two 12-minute pilot segments), called ''One Small Step for Cassie'', which was the first pilot segment, and ''Circle of Friends'', which was the second pilot segment, until the show was later aired on PBS (PBS Kids) (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) in English, in the United States, and CBC Television (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) (CBC Playground (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Get Set for Life (Season 2) (2001-2002)/Kids' CBC (Season 3) (2005)) in English, in Canada, and Radio-Canada Television (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and was un-produced in mid-1999, for the un-aired 26-minute pilot episode (un-aired two 12-minute pilot segments), called ''One Small Step for Cassie'', which was the first pilot segment, and ''Circle of Friends'', which was the second pilot segment, until the show was later debuted on September 6, 1999, and ended on April 11, 2005. The show was aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school childen, and from ages 5 to 8. ==Season 1 (1999-2000)== ===''To Fly with Dragons'' [1.1a]=== ===''The Forest of Darkness'' [1.1b]=== :'''Mom''': Emmy, Max, everything all right up here?'' :'''Emmy''': Yeah, Mom. We were just coloring. There. Look what I did. :'''Max''': Whoa. This looks just like Cassie. :'''Emmy''': Maybe it's because it was Cassie. And I'm gonna give it to her as a gift. :'''Max''': Were you going to Dragon Land? Yeah. Me too. Because I got a great surprise for Ord. And he's gonna like it. :'''Emmy''': What is that? :'''Max''': It's bubble gum. And I've only been chewing it one time. Hey. Maybe we should get something for Zak, and Wheezie. :'''Emmy''': I know. Maybe we should let them borrow our harmonicas. So, come on. Max, Let's just go to Dragon Land. ===''To Kingdom Come'' [1.2a]=== :'''Emmy''': If you'd shared the Wish Shell in the first place, Ord, we definitely wouldn't be in this mess! <hr width="55%"/> :''[Ord breaks off a tiny piece of his cupcake and offers it to Monsieur Marmadune, however is not enough.]'' :'''Monsieur Marmadune''': This was sharing? :'''Ord''': ''[breaks off a larger piece of his cupcake]'' This much? :'''Max''': More... :'''Ord''': ''[breaks another piece again]'' This much? :'''Max''': More... :'''Ord''': ''[depressed]'' Oh... this was so hard! ''[until ultimately divide his cupcake in half and offers it to Monsieur Marmadune]'' <hr width="55%"/> :'''Ord''': Hey look, my dragon badge is shining! I did it, I shared! ===''Good-bye, Little Caterpoozle!'' [1.2b]=== *''[When Emmy, Max, Ord, Cassie, Zak, and Wheezie saw Poozie, the caterpoozle, inside a silk sack --called a [[w:chrysalis|chrysalis]]-- and is sleeping inside it.]'' *'''Cassie''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, she is dead! ''[cries]'' Oh, Poozie! ===''Knot a Problem'' [1.3a]=== ===''Ord's Unhappy Birthday'' [1.3b]=== :''[The episode starts out in the playroom where Max and Emmy are wrapping presents. Emmy’s is all wrapped up quick and angrily-ish while Max’s is rather wrinkled and uneven.]'' :'''Max''': Look Emmy! I'm done wrapping my birthday present for Ord. Neat, huh? :''[Max holds up his present, but the ribbon unravels and falls off.]'' :'''Emmy''': [unsure] I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, Max! :''[Max struggles to tie the ribbon back on. Emmy refuse to help.]'' :'''Emmy''': No time, no time, no time! For a very important date. No time to make a bow for you. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late. :'''Max''': Now, this is curious. It must be awfully important, like a party or something. :''[Max puts his left index finger on the knot while Emmy ties the bow. But it ends up being so tight, Max's finger gets stuck in the ribbon.]'' :'''Max''': Hey! My finger’s stuck! :'''Emmy''': [with voice raised and sounding genuinely annoyed] Come on, Max, there is no time to help Cassie! This no time to get ready for Ord's surprise birthday party! :''[Max and Emmy hold the scale and start saying their lately wish.]'' :'''Max and Emmy''': I'm late, I'm late, I'm late with all my very important heart. No time to fly with dragons in a land apart. :''[The dragons on the wall come to life and circle around the kids flying faster and faster until they disappear in a bright light and soon they arrive in DragonLand.]'' :'''Emmy''': We're late! This is the perfect rush to Cassie!! :'''Max''': I'm late!!! :''[Max grabs her wrist and they're running to the dragon tail waving behind a tree but is blue, not pink.]'' :'''Max''': Cassie! I'm late, I'm late.... :''[The figure that comes out from behind the tree is, in fact, a door banging and pounding]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily whispering, hissing irritated, quietly]'' '''SHHH!!''' Quiet, Max! Don't say such things to King Ord! Hide your present! :''[Emmy swipes her gift behind her back and Max tries to hide his but his finger is still stuck on the bow. Ord approaches the kids and he bows down.]'' :'''Ord''': Max, Emmy, I'm ruler of my birthday! Look what mom and dad got me! ''[shows them a pencil with a feathery end and he draws a little tic-tac-toe grid in midair]'' :'''Ord''': It draws on anything, how much greater I'd be! What a king! I'd be ruler of all that I see! Oh, you wanna bark orders? :'''Max''': Leave me alone! :'''Emmy''': We are not friends! :''[Suddenly, Ord Gets Growling In Frustration At The Angry Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst]'' '''YOU KNOW WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [thunders angrily] '''OH REALLY, ORD, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! IT ISN'T FAIR! IT IS, IN FACT, A COMPLETE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE!!!''' We're angry with you, Your Majesty. I'm serious! Today's your birthday! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''Ord''': No! You're just not looking hard enough! I don't wanna play! :''[Max is angry without say yes, he remembered...]'' :'''Max''': You can't. No time to meet Cassie, I will NEVER seen you again and leave me alone forever. :'''Emmy''': ''[interrupting]'' I'm upset! :'''Ord''': Louder! :'''Emmy''': [loud] I'm upset! :'''Ord''': '''LOUDER!''' :'''Emmy''': [louder] '''I'M UPSET!''' :'''Ord''': [shouting to enraged] '''SILENCE!! For the final TIME, SAY IT LOUDER!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [turns red in anger, furiously growls] '''I'M UPSET!!! I SAID "STOP IT"!!! I'M REALLY TIRED OF YOU!!!''' I’m never let you again! Never, Never, NEVER letting mention that being such a bully, and you didn't do anything that’s mine ever having a picnic without Cassie! :'''Ord''': (growls angry as well) Well, Today's my very favorite day of the year, than you would be better off without me, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! :'''Emmy''': (angrily) I'm late!! I'm very late!!! Now I won't want my help tomorrow anymore to get out of here and you're going our separate ways forever is much too braggy as bossy king! So, this is no fun to be boss around your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight with you, King Ord! Now get out, or you're '''FIRED!! I! GIVE!! UP!!!''' :'''Ord''': (enraged with angriest) '''I'M KING!!! I WILL NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!!''' :'''Max''': '''YOU ARE FIRED!! I want you to get out, NOOW! and that's an order!!!''' :'''Ord''': [angrily shouts] '''I'M KING TO COMMAND YOU, SILENCE!!!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': '''STOP IT!!!''' :'''Ord''': (Turns red) '''YOU'RE FIRED!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [wailing angrily] '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!''' [Turns Red With Anger, Growls Furiously And Angrily Fed Up] '''GRRRARRGH!''' I’m done with you without your birthday! '''I'LL SMASH YOUR BIRTHDAY AWAY!!! THAT BOSSY KING IS STUPID ANYWAY!!!''' :'''Ord''': '''YOUR HEIRS!!!''' :'''Max''': '''LEAVE!!!''' :'''Ord''': [angry, raising an eyebrow] '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': [furiously pointing] '''OUT!''' :'''Ord''': [snaps] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': ''[they're angrily pushing Ord and furiously slams the door, leaving Ord all alone, pointing once more]'' '''OUT!''' :'''Ord''': [starts growls madly] That's it, I am the ruler of all that I'm leaving!!! [storms off furiously at a huff] :''[The kids later arrived angrily & lately at the treehouse.]'' :'''Max''': ''[firmly whispering]'' I'll never join the secret knock! :''[Angry, Emmy shakes her fist in rages out a series of gasps, which get more tense by shoves into his mouth, hearing banging & pounding on the door many times and makes them growling. The door opens, furiously revealing Cassie.]'' :'''Cassie''': Shh, Calm down, Max! calm down, Emmy! Shush, shush! You must be upset. Are you upset?! I thought you were Ord. :'''Max''': [sadly] No, this was Ord's fault with a mix up with psychical violence blame. Look, King Ord’s too angry about being bossy birthday in the meadow. :''[Max and Emmy head inside while Cassie gets a little worried that Ord might have followed them.]'' :'''Cassie''': What's wrong with you, Emmy? Come on. :'''Emmy''': [growls] I don't want to hear about ord. We had too frustrated when he's way too bossy. :'''Max''': [glares] Of course you're so late! I don't understand make him bossy traitor!? If you do, you're fired at military school! :'''Cassie''': Just chill out, chill out. I bet he couldn’t play with the bossiness of King Ord, who's willing to barked orders until we surprise him. So don't say a word 'til you two can help me blow up the balloons. :''[Cassie hands Max and Emmy grabs a balloon angrily. Max tries inflate one up but release and comes out flying. Max then wobbles around holding his head.]'' :'''Max''': Wow! I’m dizzy. :'''Cassie''': Don’t worry, Max. I’ll blow them up. :''[Cassie blows up a balloon herself.]'' :'''Max''': Hey, That's insane! :''[Emmy swipes Max the balloons.]'' :'''Emmy''': You have done that to me too many times, Max. I will not stand for what you did! You're fired! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!''' :'''Max''': [angry] Go Away, Em! :''[She furiously storms off without helping Max as he holding three balloons, a green and pointy one with yellow spots, and lavender one shaped like a star and a pink one with a smiley face on it, to whom Max sticks his tongue out and laugh.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :'''Zak''': Ord! What's the matter with you, Your Majesty? :'''Wheezie''': Why are you angry, Your Majesty? :'''Ord''': (ragingly) You hush up your mouth, Go away and no right to talk to leave me alone, and I wish I'd never been born!!! :'''Zak''': Do you hear that? :'''Wheezie''': Really? ''[Looks to the ones on top of their heads.]'' Oh, those hats. Those aren’t party hats. They're uh... umm... :'''Zak''': Rain-hats. Only it's not raining. Guess we don’t need them, Wheezie. <hr width="90%"/>:''[Just then his royal banging and a pounding is heard on the door.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[whispering]'' Is he coming this way?! :'''Sid Sycamore''': ''[whispering]'' That wasn’t the secret knock. It’s King Ord! He rudes everything! :''[Everyone gasps & scrambles to hide everything very quickly. Zak and Wheezie take the pizza, Max puts away the party hats, and Emmy swipes the balloons and hands them to Sid Sycamore without taking.]'' :'''Sid Sycamore''': [warns her] Emmy, no swiping! Emmy, no swiping! Emmy, no swiping! :'''Emmy''': [madder] Sid, You're fired! I'm too angry! '''YOU ARE FIRED!!''' :'''Sid Sycamore''': [angrily scolding] It's too late, you're a crook... [furiously] You're a '''CHEAT''' and a '''SWINDLER...!''' '''THAT'S''' it! I will never seen you again or you're fired!! [lividly] '''YOU'RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [screamed furiously] '''I SAID "YOU ARE FIRED"!! THAT'S IT, SID!!''' :''[Meanwhile they hand the rest of the stuff to Zak and Wheezie.]'' :'''Zak''': Where are you gonna put that? :''[Wheezie ultimately decides to put the stuff in their pouch.]'' :'''Zak''': Ew! That feels gross! :''[All that was left was the tablecloth which they remove as Ord slams the door open.]'' :'''Ord''': [snaps] I’m very annoyed with you, Emmy! I'm king, and I wish I'd never been born!! :''[Inside the gang snarl on the floor with a puzzle.]'' :'''Emmy''': [angrily scolds very pissed] You're bossy, King Ord! I'm very angry with you! This is your last warning! It's a complete disaster when enough is enough!! You did not just say that, '''You did not just say that!!!!''' :'''Ord''': [getting angry] '''I did just say it! I said, I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm bossy and annoyed without doing anything and I'm king, and you look annoyed all the time without some help, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! ''[dragon glares in the room.]'' You don't think I'm too bossy, do you? :'''Zak''': '''LIAR!''' We decided not to have the picnic. :'''Wheezie''': I'm afraid you are. Putting together a puzzle isn't fun anymore. :'''Ord''': [mad] I don't want to play puzzles! I'm the bossy king! I'm the king of a moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza! Nobody's gonna leave this treehouse until I wish I'd never been born!! :'''Emmy''': [losing control of her outrage] Go away, King Ord! You lost a moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza if I'm saying bossy to you! If you're way too bossy what word I'm not supposed to say, It's too bossy, I'm disappointed. I am very disappointed.... :'''Ord''': [growling ragingly yells] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEEEEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [angrily screams] '''NAH-UH! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE! I WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND QUIT IT!!!!!''' :''[Emmy Slaps His Forehead. Zak Slaps His As Well, Wheezie Hits In His Face. This Challenge Erupted Into A Violence Argument Of Fury Angry Fight With Powers]'' K.D. Lang: [Overlapping while singing] Join Timon and Pumbaa cow! :'''Max''': I'm feeling very angry right now without help, King Ord!!! :'''Ord''': '''SILENCE!!! YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD!!!!!''' Forget it!! I said, "I wish I'd never been born!!!" I am the boss of the ruler to leave me alone!!! :'''Max''': [sternly] That's it! See if I'll leave you alone!! :''[Bossy King Ord storms to the school and incredibly pissed off at him for all of the hurtful birthday and inside he finds Quetzal wrapping a gift neatly.]'' :'''Ord''': You're just a show-off, Mr. Quetzal! Never, ever mention '''THAT''' name in my presence! '''I AM THE BOSSY *KING*!!!''' :'''Quetzal''': Oh, Yes, Sire, you look bossy, King Ord. I was extraordinarily busy... You’re so cranky. You actually went and did it to illustrate the differences in your royal managerial approaches. :'''Ord''': [coldly] Not the others seem to think they're waste time. ''[without notices the gift.]'' [angrily] I'm the boss. I scolded at her, Because she broke the rules! I'm king of the birthday parties! :'''Quetzal''': Temper! Temper! Your Majesty, please... I don't like to complain, But A very good friend of mine, We didn't see any rules. :''[Ord goes back to being angrily glare.]'' :'''Quetzal''': What’s the matter? I know you're angry about your birthday without friends and you're refuse to be gone. What’s wrong? :'''Ord''': [raging furiously blows up, screams in frustration, angrily yells with sobbing] This is the stupidest time to me a favor and the "worstest" rule, I'm the king of the panic! I'm the frustrated king! I'm the bossy king because I'm the king of my birthday, and I'm the king of special day, but my friends must not like me anymore because they don't want to play with 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void IF - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy! And Cassie didn't invite me to her picnic, and then everyone's beginning to believe I'll never see my "et cetera, et cetera... "Fax mentis, incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera... "Memo bis punitor delicatum!!" It's out of the control without decided to make a puzzle instead of a picnic! I am the king! I can do whatever I could even push one piece together, they '''STOMPED''' on the floor, which now has to be pushed me away, because I'm the king of my birthday! And I'm the king of a grouchy girl sometimes... I'm the bossy king, and think I'm king! they're gonna mess it up for my birthday and it's all your fault, and then before I will be able to our army, would still be alive, it's your fault she's mad!! And now I don't have a happy birthday without looking hard enough to see some stupid royal birthday, and I wish I'd never been born!!! [walks off in a huff] :'''Quetzal''': Oh..., Outrageous! I know you've already just feeling very angry, Ord, yelled by a grouchy girl, It's not your fault and we say something very special to each other. :'''Ord''': [he ragefully stomps, firmly fuming] Why bother? I'm king of stupid to understand anyway! I hadn't shown up even dragons celebrate my birthday in the first place, maybe I don't have to worry everything that was important to me! There's nothing, no, NOTHING, that's grouchy than me, and I wish I'd never been born!! I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born! :'''Quetzal''': ''[checks his pocket watch]'' Chill out, Ord! Every year, I know what to do to make you feel better. :'''Ord''': [sarcastically] Aw, forget it! I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born! I wish I'd never been born! I said, "I wish I'd never been born!!" There, I said it again! '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!''' :'''Quetzal''': [calmly] I know you aren't. So, come with me. :''[Ord and Quetzal go over to the treehouse where the others are watching by the window and all arguing, shouting, and they started kicking and laugh.]'' :'''Ord''': I'm the mad king, I'm the mad king! I'm the really, really, really mad king, Quetzal, I cannot let you put our family if they don't want to play with me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!! :'''Quetzal''': Oh, I see if you are mad. Courage, Ord. Go up there and tell them what you told me. :'''Ord''': Are you sure if I'm not mad?. :'''Quetzal''': Si. :'''Ord''': Okay. I love too. :''[Ord goes up the stairs and he takes one last look toward Quetzal who gives him a nod, before knocking on the door.]'' :'''Cassie''': I’m too busy right now, but we're almost done. :'''Ord''': It's me, King Ord! And I'm too bossy and frustrated 'cause I'm ruler of my birthday but no one wants me around. And I don't want to be your friend anymore! I don't want to be your friend anymore at all! :'''Cassie''': Hey, You're so bossy. :'''Ord''': Yes, you did! You did!!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! It's your fault because you were going our separate ways forever. So, this is… This is your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight to stomp to you when I'm bossy!! :'''Cassie''': Okay, Don't be mad. Guess what? You can come in now. :'''Ord''': [anger turns to thrilled to apologizes about being difficult being frivolous things at the wrong time.] Really? I just wanted to apologize because sometimes I was me too bossy. :'''Emmy''': Aww, that's okay, You can knock gently on the door but don't banging and pounding hard. Go ahead, Ord. :'''Ord''': Oh, Sure. :''[Ord throws the royal crown and the royal cape away, Knocking gently, opens the door and is surprised with excitement.]'' :'''All:''' '''SSUURRPPRIIISSSEE!!!''' ''[everyone claps and cheers, celebrates happily and laughing]'' '''HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ORD!''' :'''Ord''': You like me! You really like me! :''[Max runs up to Ord and hugs him]'' :'''Max''': Of course we do, Ord. You're our biggest, bestest friend of all. :'''Emmy''': I’m so glad it’s you. I'm sorry I was just felt so mad when i yelled at you. It's just that... because I just didn't want you to find out and I'll try to not be bossy about the surprise party. :'''Ord''': Wow. Well, I was really surprised! :''[Wheezie lights the candle with her fire breath]'' :'''Wheezie''': Come on, Ord. Make a wish and blow out the candle. :'''Ord''': Okay, here we go! :''[Ord uses wind power to blow it out and everyone applauds]'' :'''Max''': All right, Hooray for you, Ord. :''[All clapping and cheering]'' :'''Emmy''': Good one. :''[Quetzal walks around with a knife in his hand and starts cutting the cake]'' :'''Ord''': ''[with his mouth full]'' Boy! This is the really best birthday I've ever marvelous me! For I am the good ruler of all that I see! [the dragons cheered and dance happily to the music.] :'''Everyone''': '''ALL RIGHT, ZAK AND WHEEZIE! YEAH! ALL RIGHT, ORD!''' [laugh] :'''Max''': That sounded really cool! :'''Cassie''': I love played the maracas... :'''Everyone''': '''YES!''' :'''Emmy''': [laugh and celebrating] '''YEAH! WOO-HOO!''' :'''Max and Emmy''': I Love A Surprise to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. ''[Both then disappear and appear back in the playroom]'' :'''Max''': Oooh! My tummy hurts from eating all that cake. :'''Emmy''': Me too. But it sure is a yummy tummyache. :'''Max''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. :'''Emmy''': Guess What, Max? We're Not able to Rush for Ord's Surprise Party. We're Good. :'''Max''': Yeah, I will tell my mom. I want a surprise birthday party this year. :'''Emmy''': I Love a Surprise! But if you know it’s a surprise party, it won’t be a surprise. :''[Max thought about that and realized she’s right, cheering.]'' :'''Max''': Hooray for you, Emmy. Mummy! Emmy has something to ask you! :''[Max heads out the door while Emmy just smiles her head, reliefing.]'' ===''Tails You Lose'' [1.4a]=== :'''Wheezie''': OH! They're dragons Zak, not snails! :'''Zak''': Slow music is better for the game! :''[Zak and Wheezie argue over whether the dance must be fast or slow.]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': '''IS TOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': '''IS TOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': [Growls Loudly And Then He Violently Begins To Shout At Her] '''I DON'T CARE!!!!! DAMN IT, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE????!!!!!!!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': I'm not engaged! And as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now, well... I'm fine with out! You don't play fair! I will not stand for what you did, and things are out of control! As of this moment, cause you're all '''GROUNDED!! So you LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''Cassie''': [angrily screams in frustration] You're bossy, you jerk! You couldn't wait to come back here and brag, you don't want to be part of the game around while you do dumb things like that!! :'''Emmy''': '''I'D HATE YOU, RULES STINK, LOSING STINKS & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[turns red in anger, furiously growls and angrily comfronts Emmy]'' No! Are you crazy, Emmy? [growls lividly] '''THAT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY,''' since we've finished everything on the list, you’re the one who’s being such a bully! I am the temper drama king! I already filled up this ate it... I have no time for childish bickering with ideas!! Now, I've ruined their lives, and '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''SHUT UP!!! I AM NEVER, EVER PLAYING FREEZE DANCE AGAIN!!! I AM COMMAND YOU TO CUT IT OUT!!! AND IF YOU KEEP BEING SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH TO FIRE YOU!!!''' ''[echoes]'' :'''Cassie''': [Fed Up] '''DON'T YOU DARE!!! I'M NEVER GOING TO PLAY WITH YOU AGAIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN EXPLODE!!!!!?????!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': ''[getting very angry; turns red angrily to cutting dragons off]'' '''CAN, YOU, CUT, A, BIG, FAT, STUPID, UGLY, CLUMSY, LUMP, IT, OUT, ALREADY!?! I'D HATE YOU, MAX!!!''' :'''Max''': [Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst] '''YOU KNOW WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' [With A lot Of Rage, Max's Behavior Got Worse] '''I'm losing a temper, so you become a loser!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! I'D HATE YOU & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': ''[snaps]'' '''I’M VERY ANGRY!!''' :'''Max''': '''YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU, MAX!!!''' :'''Max''': [angrily scolding] '''I’M NOT SPEAKING TO ME EVER AGAIN! AND I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [growls angrily and screams lividly] '''I SAID, "I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU, MAX!!!"''' :'''Max''': '''QUIET!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''You just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, and I'm fed up of telling dragons to go away!!''' :'''Max''': '''OH NO YOU'RE NOT!''' :'''Emmy''': '''IF YOU KEEP BEING SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH YOUR...-''' :'''Ord''': [turns red with angriest and screams at Emmy] '''OH REALLY, EMMY, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!''' :'''Emmy''': '''THAT FREEZE GAME IS STUPID ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Ord''': ''What in the world is going on if you yelled at him?! I've shouting at you and it’s your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to stopped this instant!!! YOU ARE FIRED!!!'' :'''Wheezie''': [scowls] '''GRRRAAAARRGHHHHHH!!!!!! SSSSSTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP IIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Zak''': [angered as throws tantrum] '''STOP YELLING!!!!!''' You, just a show-off, You did not finish this game!!! I’ve had quite enough is enough of your excuses whatever I warning about the new game, bossy girl!!! (And you might already did! In fact, I’m done with you without the next round!! I told you I'm '''NOT''' spending it with you and you're not listening, because, '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''') :'''Emmy''': [lividly shouting of his rage and scolds at dragons] '''STOP IT!!! YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF!!! FREEZE DANCE IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE ALWAYS FIGHT TO COMMAND IS, YOU, ARE, FIRED!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': ''[Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst In Anger, Furiously Growls And Angrily Strikes Out At Emmy, Gets Snapping And Loudly Ticked Off]'' ''' I'M ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'D HATE YOU & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! YOU MAKES ME VERY VERY ANGRY, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ''' :'''Emmy''': [angry] '''SHUT THE FUCK UP!''' :'''Max''': '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [lividly bellowing] '''STOP IT!!!!''' :'''Max''': '''I'M ANGRY!! ''' :'''Emmy''': '''YOU ARE FIRED!!!''' :'''Max''': '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [thunders angrily] '''DON'T YOU DARE!!!''' :'''Max''': [becoming louder angrily] '''I'M A BULLY TO COMMAND TO FIRE YOU!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [gets angrier] '''YOU, ARE, FIRED AND THAT’S FINAL, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [enraged with high pitched, savagely yells loudly] '''I'M NOT GONNA SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I FIRE YOU!!!!!!!''' ''[echoes]'' :'''Emmy''': [angry roars] '''STOP!!!''' :'''Max''': [gets angrier and furious bellow] '''ZIP IT!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [bellows angrily] '''SHUT UP!!!''' :'''Max''': [screaming very loudly; echoing] '''I'M REALLY ANGRY, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I'LL SMASH YOUR A, BIG, FAT, STUPID, UGLY, CLUMSY, ANGRY!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [yelling] '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN FIRED!?!?!?!?!''' :'''Emmy''': '''THAT'S IT!!! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!!!''' :'''Max''': [throws a tantrum, warning yells] '''I SAID "GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN FIRED"!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I AM ANGRY AND DISAPPOINTED, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Max''': [Yells Back At Emmy] '''YOU'RE GROUNDED, EMMY!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [whines, turns red with angriest and enraged with high pitched, savagely screams] '''LIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!! I AM NOT GONNA SPEAK ANY MORE!!! I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [furiously scolds] '''YOU ARE GROUNDED, YOUNG EMMY! GET OUUUUUUUUTTT!''' :'''Emmy''': [Becoming Very Angry] '''I’M ANGRY WHEN YOU YELLED AT ME!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Max''': [gets angrier screams loudly then scowls] '''GRRR...I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [enraged with angriest screams, freaking out] '''GRRR!!! I'LL SMASHING THE WHALE PUPPET WHEN I'M GOING HOME!!! IF YOU LEAVE DRAGONS ALONE, I WISH I HAD SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH YOUR SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!!!''' ''[She throws a furious fist and incredibly pissed off at him for all of the hurtful things she frustratingly stomping the ground repeatedly with storms angrily get blown away; sees in a blind heated outbursts, raging argument, temper tantrum.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily satisfied, then sputters her head in irritating "wrapping up" threateningly makes Max and the dragons argue at each other leads them into a full blown fight in anger]'' I hate, I hate, to fed up this rhyme just go home to bed, becuase it's mine! (echoes) :''[Emmy storms off violently and exits Dragon Land without Max, very pissed]'' :'''Max''': [growls angrily] I'm Really Hate You, Em! I'm very angry with you, dragons!! This is your last warning! You're grounded for complete disaster when enough is enough, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! '''I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' [the dragons scowls into silence as he storms off to the school and inside he finds Quetzal who felt shocked to Max] :'''Quetzal''': Hoh-woah, That's the worst case about the unpleasant game. Huh, Max? :'''Max''': [Being serious by grunts in frustration with a huff] '''PHOOEY ON FIGHTING!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the playroom, Emmy’s angrier starts her anger sulking in sadness and bursts into tears, sobbing like giving up and shakes her fist in rages out of series ideas, which get more tense by flinches lividly her whale puppet, violently stomps on the "Mr. Whale".]'' :'''Emmy''': [angrily yells sobbing louder] I am braggy and bossy, Mr. Whale! You're mad at me! I'm disappointed to you!! ''[then as her whale puppet]'' "'''NOT FAIR!! I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!! IN FACT, A WORST, HORRIBLE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE GAMES, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm all out of '''MONEY FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN, WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm ruined! I'm done! I'm lost everything of their lives, and I wish I'd never been born!! It will be ripped up, I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born, Emmy!! You losing something and I wish I'd never been born again!!!" ''[then as she shoves her whale puppet, she makes despair voice, firmly inhales]'' You did not just say that, you did not just say that, I don't like you! You're grounded for have upset on purpose…it was only an such clumsiness accident! [she hands a tissue to blowing her nose to calming down as normal voice] Really? I've had quite enough of this foolish fighting about lose at that. I’m really sorry. Why, It's not your fault. I'm very sorry for stomping on it, Mr. Whale. What a horrid dragon friends playing Freeze Dance. ''[then as her whale puppet, sniffs]'' "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you, ord and zak are upset about what happened, and I know Ord and Zak was upset about Emmy's temper, but I think we can get a diffrent game. Listen. I'm sorry I ignored you when you've angry at the house. Take a deep breath and put it back together again in time." ''[then back to her normal voice]'' You really think so? ''[Mr. Whale agrees. she took a deep breath and sighs with tearfully to forgiveness smiled]'' I'm sorry I couldn't look like they're have fun. It's gonna be okay... you're gonna see more fun than me anyway… I'm very sorry to disturb you too much but I should go back, just to make sure Max is alright. (Emmy hands Mr. Whale a tissue and the puppet blows nose) Thank you for listening... because I just didn't want you to find out and I'll try to not be bossy, Mr. Whale. ''[Emmy finally calms down by comforting her puppet hug and takes out the dragon scale, smiley]'' OK, here we go. "I wish, I wish, with all my heart ''to fly with dragons'' in a land apart." [This time, the dragons on the wall come to life and circle around her flying faster and faster until she arrive back to the DragonLand and start searching for Angry Max.] ===''Calling Dr. Zak'' [1.4b]=== :'''Emmy''': It's in here somewhere. Got it! :'''Max''': And I got my guitar. ''[imitates guitar]'' :'''Emmy''': Stop fooling around, Max. We have to get to Dragon Land. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Booboogone''': Now, Zak, squeeze! :''[Zak shuts his eyes and squeezes Wheezie's hand as the thorn is removed]'' :'''Zak''': I'm squeezing as hard as I can! I'm still squeezing! When are you going to take the thorn out? :'''Dr. Booboogone''': I already have, Zak. :'''Zak''': ''[shocked]'' Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': I knew Zak and Wheezie were gonna win the dance contest. :'''Max''': They were great. :'''Mom''': ''Max! Emmy!'' :'''Emmy''': What is it, Mom? :'''Mom''': ''I made a doctor's appointment for you both tomorrow. It's time for your checkups.'' :''[Despite a "doctor's appointment" announcement --made by their mother-- Max and Emmy do not mind.]'' :'''Max''': Let's play doctor, Emmy. :'''Emmy''': Okay. ===''Pigment of Your Imagination'' [1.5a]=== :'''Max''': Dandelions. :'''Emmy''': Max, no! ''[Emmy shook his head]'' :'''Ord''': Anything! :[''couching, music playing'' and ''painting cans chatting''] :''[Before going back to the playroom.]'' :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme, to go back home until next time. ===''Zak's Song'' [1.5b]=== :'''Wheezie''': But Do-Re-Mi's are wild birds, they like wild music, i'll show ya...! :'''Zak''': ''[putting it in its place]'' No, Wheezie! This time i'm gonna try it my way. ''[he removes the beak of bird and keep going playing the melody in front of the Do-Re-Mi's]'' :'''Wheezie''': It's not working see, I knew... :'''Max''': Look! ===''Snow Dragons'' [1.6a]=== :''' ===''The Fury is Out on This One'' [1.6b]=== :''' ===''The Giant of Nod'' [1.7a]=== :'''Wheezie''': I don't believe it, he didn't even yawn. ===''The Big Sleepover'' [1.7b]=== :''[Emmy goes over to Cassie's house and knocks on the door; Cassie comes out to bedroom window.]'' :'''Cassie''': Emmy! What are you doing here? :'''Emmy''': What are you doing here? Aren't you coming to Zak and Wheezie's sleepover? :'''Cassie''': Oh, I don't know. ''[Emmy climbs up to her window through the ivy of the facade and Cassie gasps]'' :'''Emmy''': Come on, Cassie. You'll have fun! Big time! :'''Cassie''': I know. But I've never slept away from my mummy and daddy before! Ever! Not even one whole time! :'''Emmy''': Well, what if you brought something to remind you of home? :'''Cassie''': Like what? :'''Emmy''': On my first sleepover, I brought Lupita. She's my favorite doll. :'''Cassie''': Oh! Maybe I could bring... ''[leaves and comes back with a pile of books]'' Some of my favorite books! ''[catches the top book as it falls off]'' :'''Emmy''': How about just one? :'''Cassie''': Oh, I could never pick just one. Wait, I've got another idea! ''[puts the books away and returns with a pile of pillows]'' How about my favorite pillows? ''[Emmy shakes her head]'' Still too much? :'''Emmy''': Definitely! :'''Cassie''': Oh. I know! ''[puts the pillows away and takes out a photo of her with her parents and two of her siblings]'' I'll take this picture of my mummy and daddy and all my brothers and sisters! ''[unfolds it to reveal more pictures that tile out the window down the wall]'' :'''Emmy''': All seventy-four of them? That'll work. Come on, you can do it! :'''Cassie''': Okay, I'll try. :'''Emmy''': Yes! :''[Changes to the knuckerhole later that night; the sleepover is on! Laughter and cheering rings out from Zak and Wheezie's bedroom as Emmy, Max, Ord, and Cassie jump in the bed while Zak looks at his alarm clock and Wheezie play his drum.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :'''Zak''': Now, can we '''PLEASE''' get ready for bed?! ''["PLEASE" is mistakenly heard as "police"]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': Everything really funtastic and wild in there for you kiddos? :'''Wheezie''': '''FUNTASTIC, DADDY! GOOF-BALL-O-RAMA!''' :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': ''[as Cassie hesitates and takes out a photo of her family]'' Now if you need anything, dear, remember, we're right down the hall. Just a holler away. A few small steps. :'''Zak''': Thanks, mummy. :'''Emmy''': What's the matter, Cassie? :'''Cassie''': I miss my daddy and mummy. :'''Wheezie''': Why don't you call them? :'''Cassie''': Can I? :'''Wheezie''': Sure! :''[Changes to a ceiling phone horn; Wheezie gets it down for Cassie to use.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Talk away! :'''Cassie''': Hi, this is Cassie. Can you connect me to my mummy and daddy? :'''Cassie's dad''': Hello? Cassie? Is that you? :'''Cassie''': Hi, Father. :'''Cassie's dad''': Are you having fun? :'''Max''': ''[comes past still spinning]'' Wheeeeeeeee!!! :'''Cassie''': Sort of. I just wondered if you and Mummy miss me. I mean, I could come home if you want. :'''Cassie's dad''': Of course we miss you, honey, but why don't you try and stay a little longer and have fun with your friends? :'''Cassie''': Okay, I'll try. :'''Cassie's dad''': Bye, sweetie. :'''Cassie''':: Bye, Father. :''[The call ends and the phone retracts.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :''[Ord makes shadow puppets]'' :'''Max''': Wow! That's cool! Let me try! ''[makes a simplistic shadow puppet]'' :'''Zak''': What is that? :'''Max''': A rock. :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': Okay, kiddos! Five minutes until beddy-bye time! :'''Zak''': ''[excitedly]'' '''BEDDY-BYE TIME?! BEDDY-BYE TIME?! YES!''' :'''Wheezie''': [dismayed] Oh, Zaky... ===''A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words'' [1.8a]=== :''[The Doodle Fairy has drawn a picture to communicate with them]'' :'''Max''': It's a hairy bug! :''[The Doodle Fairy shakes her head]'' :'''Zak''': This is too hard! I'll quit. :'''Ord''': We can't give up! Please! :'''Zak''': OK, if you insist... ===''The Talent Pool'' [1.8b]=== :'''Cassie''': I know. I can't help it. :'''Emmy''': I have an idea, Cassie. :'''Cassie''': Can I try? ''[giggles]'' I'm doing it. :'''Emmy''': That's it. :'''Max''': Way to go, Cassie! :'''Ord''': ''Yay, Cassie!'' :'''Cassie''': ''[notices sound]'' Sorry, Zak. Here. I'll fix your boo-boo. :'''Zak''': ''[sighs]'' Thanks for helping me fell better, Cassie. :'''Cassie''': Yeah, but, I can't do anything special for the talent show. :'''Ord''': Don't give up, Cassie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': I don't know what to do, Quetzal. I tried and tried, but, I ''can't'' think of anything special I can do. :'''Quetzal''': Why don't we look in the Big Story Book? ===''Emmy's Dreamhouse'' [1.9a]=== :'''Zak''': Emmy, how do you like the steps Wheezie and I made? :'''Wheezie''': We've even thought of a secret musical password. ''[plays "Shave and a Haircut" on the steps, with Zak's triangle making up the final two notes.]'' Love it! :'''Emmy''': It's great. But red steps would go better with the rest of the treehouse, don't you think? ''[pours a can of red paint all over the stairs and some of it gets on Wheezie's foot]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[angrylid]'' No! You said we could have... :'''Zak''': Whatever we want and... :'''Wheezie''': We want black and white! :'''Emmy''': Oops. Sorry. I guess I forgot to ask again, didn't I? :''[Zak and Wheezie are angry as Emmy enters the treehouse where everyone is setting up their things. Cassie is setting up her bookshelf.]'' :'''Cassie''': Let's see. Where should I put my picture book on flying? Right there. ''[the book flies into place]'' How do you like my new bookshelf, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': It looks nice, Cassie. It would look better with these flowers on it. [takes out a flowerpot with flowers in it] :'''Cassie''': But those are your flowers! :'''Emmy''': Yeah. :'''Cassie''': And they're too tall! :'''Emmy''': I know. ''[takes all of Cassie's books off the shelf and lowers the middle shelf to the bottom. She then puts the books cover side down with two stacked up in the middle and puts the flowerpot on top of them.]'' :'''Emmy''': Perfect! :'''Cassie''': But... my books! ''[starts laughing and grows]'' :'''Emmy''': Oh, Cassie, I'm sorry I made you feel mad! ''[Cassie runs off]'' I can't believe I forgot to ask what she wanted. :'''Max''': Emmy, take a look through my telescope! :''[Ord is getting his toy chest set up and Max has put his telescope near the window]'' :'''Max''': You can see the Stickleback Mountains. :'''Ord''': And check out my... my... ''[grunts trying to close it but can't]'' ...toy drawer. Neat, huh? :'''Emmy''': Yeah! And this is a great spot for our play rug. :''[She unfolds the rug doing fall Max's telescope and covers the toy chest a bit at the corner]'' :'''Emmy''': We'll only have to move your stuff a little bit, okay? :'''Ord''': I guess. :''[Emmy pushes the toy chest off the rug into the wall and moves the telescope to the opposite side.]'' :'''Emmy''': That's better. :'''Max''': No, it isn't! You didn’t leave room for my telescope! :'''Ord''': And I can’t play with my toy drawer in the corner because there’s not enough room! :'''Cassie''': ''[aggravated]'' And you made my bookshelf the way you wanted it! :'''Wheezie''': And Zaky and I didn’t like how you repainted our steps! :'''Zak''': Or our toenails! ''[Wheezie shows the paint on her foot]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[wryly]'' Actually, I thought the toenails were kinda pretty. :'''Max''': ''[carrying his telescope]'' You’re not being nice, Emmy! :'''Wheezie''': Come on, everyone! Let’s go build our own treehouse! :'''Zak''': The way we want it! :''[Everyone less Emmy leaves very annoying]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[also angry]'' I was just trying to make the treehouse better, that's all! :''[They all leave indignant with their stuff and Zak and Wheezie takes the staircase leaving Emmy in the treehouse]'' :'''Emmy''': Have it your way! I'll just build my own treehouse! ''[so she tries to build a ladder herself but it breaks]'' Oh, this is no fun. Isn't it? :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, maybe a tree joke will cheer you up! Why did the tree cross the road? Give up? He had to "leaf!" Get it? Tree? Leaf? Ha ha! Wocka Wocka! [He laughs, and leaves fall out; Emmy does not answer.] So, friend troubles, huh? :'''Emmy''': Yeah. They're mad. I didn't let them do what they wanted. :'''Sid Sycamore''': Well, if you choose all the colors and decide where everything should go, what's left for your friends to do? :'''Emmy''': They can, uh... Not much, I guess. Maybe I'd better help them put things back the way they wanted? :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, now you're barkin' up the right tree! Wocka Wocka! :''[Rumbling is heard and the purple goo clouds are coming closer]'' :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, you better hurry. The purple goo clouds are almost here! :''[Emmy runs off and the others are at the other side of the forest carrying their things when she them catches up]'' :'''Emmy''': Wait up! ''[they stop, she sighs and asks for forgiveness, with the purpose of amendment]'' I guess I wasn't very good at listening and letting you do what you wanted. It's just that I get really excited about my own ideas. But it's no fun building a treehouse without my friends. Can we finish it together? Please? :'''Ord''': Sure! :'''Wheezie''': Of course! :'''Max''': Let's do it! :'''Emmy''': Come on, Cassie. We can fix your bookshelf just the way you wanted. And, Max, where do you want that telescope? :''[Much later, the treehouse is being finished the way everyone wants it. Max and Ord roll out the rug and Emmy builds the roof. More rumbling as the purple goo clouds come closer and everyone notices.]'' ===''Dragon Sails'' [1.9b]=== ===''Eggs Over Easy'' [1.10a]=== ===''A Liking to Biking'' [1.10b]=== :'''Emmy''': ''[singing]'' Rain, Rain, Go Away. :'''Max''': Heh, and don't come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': OH, NO! I'M GONNA FALL! '''AAH!''' :'''Cassie''': Ord, you're a dragon; use your wings. :'''Ord''': Oh, yeah! ''[flies safely back up the cliff]'' I forgot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Emmy''': Look, Max, the rain stopped. We can go outside now. :'''Max''': Yeah! :'''Emmy''': Watch the door! :'''Max''': ''[crashes and falls]'' I know, I know. Watch where I'm going. :''[both giggle]'' ===''Sky Pirates'' [1.11a]=== ===''Four Little Pigs'' [1.11b]=== :'''Max''': I'm the pig in the straw house! [Max's puppet has a mustache.] ''[imitates pigs oinks]'' :'''Ord''': I'm the pig in the house of sticks. ''[imitates pigs oinks]'' :'''Cassie''': And I'm the smart pig! In the brick house! Oink, oink, oink! :'''Emmy''': And now it's time for the most important puppet of all! :'''Zak''': Yeah! The really big.... :'''Wheezie''': Really bad... :'''Zak, Wheezie and Emmy''': Wolf! ''[imitates wolf's howls until they stop. Zak and Wheezie stare at Emmy. Zak is glaring and Wheezie is confused.]'' :'''Zak''': Huh? :'''Wheezie''': Why'd you make a wolf? :'''Emmy''': 'Cause I'm playing the wolf. :''[Zak and Wheezie growl at Emmy's sock puppet and look at each other and back at Emmy]'' :'''Emmy''': What a cool wolf puppet! Oh, I'm sorry! I wouldn't have made my puppet... ''[takes her wolf puppet off her left hand and tosses it aside and grabs Zak and Wheezie's wolf puppets and puts them on both her hands]'' ...if I knew you were gonna make one for me. Thank you so much! :''[Zak and Wheezie look at each other sad]'' :'''Zak''': Uh, you're welcome. :''[Wheezie gets mad]'' :'''Wheezie''': No, she's not! We made it for us! ''[Wheezie takes back her and Zak's wolf puppets from Emmy and places them on both their hands]'' We want to play the wolf! :'''Emmy''': But I thought you wanted to play the music. :'''Zak''': We always have to play the music! :'''Wheezie''': And this time we want to do something else! :'''Max''': But you play music the best! :'''Zak''': Well, we wanna be the wolf! :'''Wheezie''': Yeah! No wolf... :'''Both''': No, Zak and Wheezie. :'''Cassie''': But if you play the wolf, who will play the music? :''[Emmy hangs her head down]'' :'''Emmy''': I can't play the music by myself. :'''Cassie''': Well, I don't think I can. ''[to Ord with her puppet]'' What about you? :'''Ord''': Oh, no! ''[with his puppet]'' I'm a pig! :'''Emmy''': ''[to Zak and Wheezie]'' You've got to play the music! :'''Max''': You're the best! :'''Ord''': Please! :'''Cassie''': Will you? :''[Zak gets mad]'' :'''Zak''': No! If we can't be the wolf.... :'''Wheezie''': We don't wanna play with you anymore. ''[both Zak and Wheezie nod their heads no, and walk out of the theater. Emmy tries to say something, but the words don't come out. Zak and Wheezie run away angrily. Cassie peeks out calling to them. Next, Emmy, Max and Ord peek out.]'' :'''Cassie''': Zak! :'''Emmy''': Wheezie! :'''Ord''': Wait! :''[Zak and Wheezie jump into their hole. Cassie runs up to the hole. Emmy, Max and Ord follow suit. They peek down the hole. They are now all sad.]'' :'''Cassie''': [sighs] I guess we'll have to do the show without them. :'''Ord''': But we need music, don't we? :'''Emmy''': ''[smiling]'' I have an idea! Come on! :''[The gang goes back to the stage. Zak and Wheezie poke their heads out of their hole and sees the gang walking away. Zak and Wheezie look at each other sadly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wolf''': I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I miss Zak and Wheezie... ===''Zak and the Beanstalk'' [1.12a]=== ===''A Feat on Her Feet'' [1.12b]=== :'''Zak''': Slow down! :''[screams]'' :'''Max''': It's Cassie. :'''Ord''': Look out! :''[all screaming]'' :'''Cassie''': Oh, no! ''[crashes]'' :'''Emmy''': Sorry, Cassie. :'''Ord''': Are you okay? :'''Cassie''': I'm fine. But, look, my poor flowers. Oh, you poor things. How I will ever get you to Singing Springs now? :'''Emmy''': Why do you need to take the flowers to Singing Springs, Cassie? :'''Cassie''': Because they're Jingle Flowers. I grow them from seeds. But, now, that they're grow up, I need to plant them at Singing Springs. Cause without the foundation music water they'll lose the Jingle Flowers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Nice skating, Cassie! :'''Cassie''': Come on, let's get the jingle flowers plant now! ===''Not Separated at Birth'' [1.13a]=== :''[Zak and Wheezie are in an argument. And they convince themselves that they want to be separated from each other forever.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[to Wheezie]'' '''I WISH I WASN'T STUCK TOGETHER WITH YOU, WHEEZIE!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[shouts back --and to Zak]'' '''REALLY?! WELL, I DOUBLE WISH IT!''' :'''Zak''': '''THEN I DOUBLE, DOUBLE WISH IT!''' :'''Quetzal''': My, my, niños. You two really wish to be separated from each other? :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ''[in chorus]'' '''YES!''' :'''Quetzal''': Then, so be it if you can. ''[he takes out a pair of pink crystals]'' Here. Take these crystals. ''[they take them]'' Now fly into the air and say: "Alakazoo, split in two." Rub the crystals together and your wish will come true. :'''Wheezie''': Come on, Zak! Let's get flapping! :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' Well, I'm not holding us up... :''[They fly into the air, each holding a crystal]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Alakazoo, split in two! :''[They rub the crystals together and appears a blinding flash of light as Emmy and Max gasp. The flight floats down to them and it clears to reveal Zak and Wheezie now with their own separate bodies.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Loooooove it! :'''Zak''': Two feet, two claws, and two wings? Too good to be true! Ha-ha-ha! :'''Max''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': I don't believe it! :'''Ord''': Did it hurt? :'''Zak''': No, it didn't. :'''Cassie''': How does it feel? :'''Wheezie''': Great! Now I can do anything I want! ''[does some somersaults]'' Whoo! See? Just me. :'''Zak''': Well, look at this... ''[does a handstand]'' A handstand, all by myself! :'''Wheezie''': ''[lands behind him]'' Watch me! ''[does some loops in the air and divebombs down]'' :'''Zak''': Careful, Wheezie! :''[Wheezie does some more tricks in the sky but suddenly she crashes into a tree and everyone gasps. She falls out as Zak and Emmy run over.]'' :'''Emmy''': Are you okay? :'''Wheezie''': Okay?! I'm better than okay! :'''Zak''': Thank goodness. I'll never have to fly too fast again. ''[flies at his own slow pace]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[yawns]'' Ho hum. :''[Later Wheezie empties out the playground equipment]'' :'''Max''': How are we gonna make all that stuff into a slide? :'''Wheezie''': It's easy. You got Wheezie. Let's go! :'''Max''': Oh, no! I forgot my other tools! :'''Ord''': Here, Max. ''[hands him tools from his pouch]'' You can use my wrench and my screwdriver, my pliers and my saw and... :'''Max''': ''[falls down and laughs]'' Ord, enough! :'''Wheezie''': ''[holding a plank and post]'' Now, which one goes where? ''[bumps the post against the plank]'' :'''Ord''': I don't think they fit, Wheezie. :'''Wheezie''': [hammers the post into the plank, denting it] Ha! They do now. :''[The slide is later fully constructed but poorly]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ta-da! Don't you just looooooooove it?! :'''Ord''': Is it supposed to look like that? :'''Wheezie''': Yeah! Wild and fun! :'''Max''': What's that stuff for? ''[he points to the parts that were never used]'' :'''Wheezie''': Uh... they're just extras. Oh, don't worry. This is gonna be super-duper! ''[she leans against the slide and suddenly it falls apart]'' :'''Wheezie''': Uh-oh. Hm, maybe those weren't extras. Zak would've known how to put it together. Oh, Zaky?! :''[Elsewhere, Zak is helping Emmy and Cassie with the drum trampoline. Wheezie walks up.]'' :'''Wheezie''': We had a teensy little problem. Could you please help us? ''[shows him the broken slide parts]'' :'''Zak''': Hmm... Huh? ''[takes out a blueprint of the slide]'' Wheezie, did you follow the directions? :'''Wheezie''': Ah, who needs those boring things? :'''Ord and Max''': We do! :'''Wheezie''': Okay, okay! Following the directions is Zak's job, but I can do it too! Thanks for the help, Zak. ''[takes it from him]'' Let's see. Where's the thingamajig? :''[Zak is working on the trampolines as Emmy and Cassie pull on the elastic bed]'' :'''Zak''': A little more... Not too tight... Not too loose... :'''Cassie and Emmy''': '''ZAK!!!!''' :'''Zak''': Sorry. Usually Wheezie tells me when we're done. ''[finishes tightening the bolts]'' There. Three perfect drum trampolines. :'''Emmy''': Yes! Now I can show you my famous bottoms-up bounce! ''[she tries to bounce but falls on her back as it dents in]'' Whoa!! :'''Cassie''': That's your big bounce? :'''Emmy''': No way! Zak, the trampoline is saggy! :'''Zak''': I know. This way we can jump nice and slow. :'''Emmy''': Slow?! But we need bouncy! You can't do good flips and knee drops unless it's bouncy! :'''Cassie''': Let me try. ''[she jumps and falls too]'' Whoa!! It's... it's... :'''Both''': Boring... :'''Zak''': I guess Wheezie would've known how to make it fun. Wheezie, can you come here? :''[The others are working on the slide and Wheezie comes over]'' :'''Zak''': What's wrong with our trampolines? :'''Wheezie''': ''[pulls on the still loose ropes]'' You just need to tighten the ropes an extra squeeze, so they'll be extra bouncy. :''[Zak does just that; he tests the trampoline]'' :'''Zak''': Thanks, Wheezie. I knew you'd know what to do. That's bouncy, all right. :'''Cassie''': Okay, Emmy, show us your big bounce! :''[Emmy bounces and flips flawlessly]'' :'''Cassie''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': Come on, you try! :'''Cassie''': ''[bounces on it]'' Whee! He-he-he-he! ''[gets off]'' Hey, Emmy, is there anything else we can do on here besides jump? :'''Emmy''': Well... :'''Ord''': Hey, everybody! Step right up! :'''Max''': The xylophone slide is now ready to go! :''[It is perfectly constructed]'' :'''Wheezie''': Whoo-hoo! See you later, alligators! ''[she slides down cheering and lands hard on the ground]'' :'''Zak''': Wheezie, are you okay? Did you get a boo-boo? Are you bleeding? :'''Wheezie''': It was fun! ...Except for the landing. :'''Ord''': So now we have a great slide. :'''Max''': With an icky landing. What are we going to do? :''[Ord pulls out a sandwich]'' :'''Ord''': Have a snack? :'''Zak''': ''[gets an idea]'' Why don't we put the slide and the trampoline... :'''Wheezie''': Together? :'''Zak''': Exactly! :''[All they move the trampolines in front of the slide]'' :'''Wheezie''': Is this the right spot, Zaky? :'''Zak''': A little over... Just right! :'''Wheezie''': Let's try it. :'''Zak''': You first, Wheezie. :'''Wheezie''': ''[takes her place]'' Look out below!!!!!!! ''[she slides down and bounces across the trampolines coming in for a perfect landing]'' Looooooove it! Zaky, you're up! :'''Zak''': All by myself? Only me? Nobody else? Will you come with me, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': Sure. :''[They sit at the top of the slide together]'' :'''Zak''': Ready, Freddy? :'''Wheezie''': Okey-dokey, artichoke-y! :''[They slide and bounce laughing and shouting happily]'' :'''Zak''': That was fun! :''[The others cheer them happy]'' :'''Others''': Let's go!/I wanna try!/Me next!/Don't forget me! :''[Quetzal comes back]'' :'''Quetzal''': Fantástico! You did a great job putting everything together. Is it fun? :'''Wheezie''': It's fun-tastic! But I have an idea that will make it even better. ''[whispers into Zak's ear]'' :'''Zak''': Great idea, Wheezie. :''[They both whisper to Quetzal]'' :'''Max''': What idea? I don't get it. :'''Wheezie''': Quetzal, can we? :'''Zak''': Pretty please, with a fireball on top? :'''Emmy''': Tell me. I wanna know! :'''Quetzal''': ''[gets out the crystals from before]'' I think it's a wonderful idea. :'''Cassie''': What is? :'''Quetzal''': ''[as Zak and Wheezie take the crystals]'' Fly into the air and say: "Alakazoo, stick like glue." Then rub the crystals together. :'''Zak''': Come on, Wheezie! :''[Both they hold hands and fly up]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Alakazoo, stick like glue! :''[They rub the crystals; a blinding flash of light as it comes down and it clears revealing Zak and Wheezie have returned to their original two-headed self.]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Ha-ha, yeah!/We did it! :''[They high five and fly around happily]'' :'''Max''': Now I get it! :'''Cassie''': They're our Zak and Wheezie again! :'''Emmy''': Definitely! ===''A Kite for Quetzal'' [1.13b]=== :'''Max''': I guess we'll just have to go home now. Huh, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': Guess so, Max. ===''Dragon Drop'' [1.14a]=== ===''Cassie Loves a Parade'' [1.14b]=== :'''Cassie''': I really, really wanted to ride on that float. It's not fair. It's just not fair. Whoa! ''[Cassie hits the tree, spider web and the flower!]'' It's just hate today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Uh, how are we gonna stop this thing? :'''Emmy''': Easy. You can fly us out of here. :'''Ord''': Oh, yeah. :'''Zak''' and '''Wheezie''': Oh, yeah. :'''Cassie''': Oh, yeah. :'''Cassie''': Yeah. I was sad because I didn't get picked for the book float. ''[giggles]'' And I ended up having fun anyway. :'''Emmy''': Let's go. :'''Quetzal''': Have fun, niños. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Hey I never did get my chocolate milkshake. :'''Mom''': ''Emmy? Max? Anyone for ice cream?'' :'''Emmy''': Coming, Mom. :'''Max''': Hey, wait for me. ===''A Cool School'' [1.15a]=== :'''Ord''': Slam dunk... :'''Max''': For Air Ord-an! ===''Max's Comic Adventure'' [1.15b]=== ===''It Happened One Nightmare'' [1.16a]=== ===''Staying Within the Lines'' [1.16b]=== :''[The next scene shows Dragon Land not in color and it's all white and monochrome.]'' :'''Ord''': Max! Emmy! I'm so glad you got here. :'''Max''': Hey, where's our hug, Ord? :'''Ord''': Not now, Max. We got work to do. :'''Quetzal''': Hola, niños! :'''Emmy''': Hola, Quetzal! :'''Max''': Hi! :'''Quetzal''': We all have something very important to do. Look over there. :'''Emmy''': What happen to all the color? :'''Cassie''': It got washed away by a big rain storm. :'''Ord''': Even our school. :'''Quetzal''': Si, that's why I brought these. You all go to the Stickleback Mountains. I'll color in the School in the Sky, you can help color in the rest. :'''Emmy''': But you can't color in a real mountain. :'''Quetzal''': In Dragon Land, you can! :'''Max''': I love to color. This is gonna be fun! :'''Ord''': Come on, everyone! Let's go! :'''Quetzal''': But be careful, niños! There's a giant sleeping in the Stickleback Mountains and if he's awaken, he can be quite grumpy! :'''Max''': Wow! It looks like a giant coloring book! :'''Emmy''': Yeah! Before it's been colored! :''[Ord and Cassie landed, Max and Emmy got off of their backs. They see the Knuckerhole, hear Zak and Wheezie's voice and see them pop out of the Knuckerhole in the air.]'' :'''Emmy''': Zak! Wheezie! :''[Zak and Wheezie land on the ground]'' :'''Wheezie''': We came as soon as we got Quetzal's message! :'''Zak''': Wh-what's wrong? :'''Max''': There's no color. :'''Wheezie''': No color? Haaatte it! it looks so... :'''Zak''': Neat and clean? '''LOOOOVE IT!''' ''[laugh]'' Why messing it up by coloring it? :'''The Gang''': ''[annoying]'' '''ZAK!!!''' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Zak''': That leaves a knucker hole for you and me, Wheezie... :'''Wheezie''': ''[filling the brush with paint of various colors]'' Oooooooh, I just love coloring, it's so... so... colorful! :''[They go to the knucker hole with a paintbrush and Wheezie paints it with all the colors of the rainbow]'' :'''Zak''': ''[scolding her]'' Wheezie... Knucker holes are supposed to be brown. :'''Wheezie''': Uh-uh... They're prettier in rainbow... :''[Zak won't let him paint the knucker hole that color and Wheezie throws the paintbrush with paint in his snout, much to his disgust.]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' You look prettier in rainbow too, Zaky. ===''Follow the Dots'' [1.17a] === <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': Like Mexican chili pepper. I know. I'll count them in Spanish. ''Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.'' That's 6. :'''Max''': Look, Ord. Dandelions! :'''Ord''': One, two... three, four, five, six... ( ''groaning '' ) seven. ( ''sneezes'' ) :'''Max''': Bless you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I found another dot! :'''Ord''': I don't see anything we can count. :'''Max''': I do. ''Stinky-dink bugs!'' ( ''muffled'' ) You write the number this time, because I gotta hold my nose. :'''Ord''': ( ''muffled'' ) Okay, Max. :'''Max''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Phew! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Let's do some more connect the dots, Max. :'''Max''': Here's one. :'''Emmy''': I wonder what it's a picture of. :'''Max''': Maybe, a race car, or a dinosaur. Or a... :'''Max and Emmy''': ''Norm The Number Gnome!'' ( ''music song ends'' ) ===''A Smashing Success'' [1.17b]=== :''[After Wheezie blamed Cassie and said it was Cassie who broke her trumpet and after Emmy's lie got her --Cassie-- and Zak in trouble.]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[crying --and to Emmy]'' '''THANKS A LOT, EMMY!''' :''[Cassie cries. That is, after Emmy's lie got her --Cassie-- in trouble when Wheezie pinned the blame on her. Then, Cassie says...!]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[in between tears]'' '''NOW WHEEZIE IS NOT SPEAKING TO ME EVER AGAIN, AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!''' :''[Cassie says that thanks to Emmy, Wheezie is not going to speak to her again. And she didn't do anything. After Cassie accuses Emmy --for making Wheezie blame her-- she resumes crying. When Emmy --so she would not get in trouble with Wheezie for breaking her trumpet-- did not tell Wheezie, who had blamed both Zak and Cassie. So Emmy knew her lie had gotten both Zak and Cassie in such trouble.]'' :'''Max''': We have to tell Quetzal. :'''Emmy''': Max? Wait! ''[Meanwhile, Quetzal was hanging some of the lights up on the shack, when Emmy and Max came up to tell him the situation.]'' :'''Max''': ''[panting]'' Emmy's in BIG trouble, because she wouldn't tell. :'''Quetzal''': Wouldn't tell what, Em? :'''Emmy''': Uh, a story. I mean, I needed to ask you a question, Quetzal, and I, uh... I have to tell you a story to do it. :'''Quetzal''': I see. I think. :'''Emmy''': Well! Uh... There's this little mouse with ribbon in her hair. :'''Quetzal''': ''Sí.'' :'''Emmy''': And she accidentally broke something that belonged to a two-headed turtle. :'''Quetzal''': ''Sí,'' go on. :'''Emmy''': And, well, the Little Mouse didn't know how to tell the Two-Headed Turtle what she did. What should she have done, Quetzal? :'''Quetzal''': Well! If ''I'' were that Little Mouse with a red ribbon on my hair, I would have stood up straight, taken a deep breath, and told ''Wheezie'' that I broke her trumpet. :'''Emmy''': Huh? How did you know?! :'''Max''': I didn't tell him. :'''Quetzal''': It's not important how I knew. What is important is what you are going to do about it. :'''Emmy''': I guess if a friend broke something of mine, I'd want them to tell me. :'''Ord''': Tell you what? ''[He and the others come by.]'' :'''Max''': That she broke it. :'''Cassie''': Who broke it? :'''Max''': The Little Mouse. :'''Zak''': Broke what? :'''Emmy''': Your trumpet. :'''Wheezie''': A little mouse broke my trumpet? :'''Max''': ''[chuckles]'' :'''Emmy''': OK, I'm just going to do it. ''[draws deep breath]'' I broke your trumpet, Wheezie! I thought you'd be mad at me so I hid it. Then, I tried to fix it, but that only made it worse, so I asked Cassie to tell you, and, well, that didn't help either. :'''Wheezie''': You should've just told me, Emmy, and then I wouldn't have made Zak or Cassie feel bad. ''[to Zak and Cassie]'' Sorry. :'''Zak and Cassie''': That's OK, Wheezie. :'''Emmy''': I know I should say I'm sorry. I bet no one wants to be ''my'' friend any more... :'''Cassie''': Of course we do. :'''Emmy''': You do?! ''[Cassie nodded]'' ''[to Wheezie]'' How about you, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': I'm pretty glad you told me, Emmy. Of course we're still friends. ''[She and Emmy hug each other.]'' :'''Ord''': We'll just have to play our song another time. :'''Quetzal''': Maybe not, Ord. ''[He sprinkled some of his magic on the trumpet, which gets fixed.]'' :'''Wheezie''': My trumpet! You've fixed it, for real! :'''Emmy''': Thank you, Quetzal. :'''Cassie''': You're the greatest! :'''Zak''': It's almost show time. :'''Ord''': Come on! ----- :'''Max''': Uh, Emmy, I have something to tell you. :'''Emmy''': What's wrong now? :'''Max''': I think I broke your dolly. :'''Emmy''': Oh, that old thing? It's always falling apart. :'''Max''': You mean, it's already broken, and you're not mad at me? :'''Emmy''': Definitely not. :'''Max''': Good, because... Remember your tea set? :'''Emmy''': Max?! ''[giggles]'' ===''Quibbling Siblings'' [1.18a]=== *'''Zak''': '''NO SLEEP, NO BREAKFAST, NO NOTHING! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I CANNOT FIND MY MAGNIFYING GLASS!''' *''[By that saying of Zak, Zak is not going to speak to Wheezie ever again once he gets back his sleep, breakfast, and magnifying glass.]'' <hr width="70%"/> *'''Wheezie''': I wonder why Zakie is so mad at me. *'''Emmy''': Well, you made him angry. *'''Wheezie''': ''[in disbelief]'' '''ARE YOU KIDDING?!''' Name one thing that I could possibly do to make him mad. *'''Max''': ''[for first reason]'' You kept him up all night with your banging. *'''Wheezie''': All right! Name two things that I could have done. *'''Emmy''': ''[for second reason]'' You ruined his breakfast. *'''Max''': ''[also for second reason]'' And you took his magnifying glass. *'''Wheezie''': You think that is why Zak is so made at me? *''[Zak takes off his alone cone.]'' *'''Zak''': ''[in a sing-songy voice]'' '''♪ I CAN'T HEAR YOU!♪ ''' *''[He gets angry.]'' *'''Zak''': '''BUT YES!''' *''[He puts the cone back on his head and resumes hiding in it.]'' ===''Wheezie's Hairball'' [1.18b]=== ===''A Tall Tale'' [1.19a]=== ===''Stormy Weather'' [1.19b]=== :'''Max''': Super Max Isn't Afraid Of You Know What? :'''Emmy''': Definitley! ===''Blowin' in the Wind'' [1.20a]=== ===''No Hitter'' [1.20b]=== :"'Max"': I Didn't Mean to make Emmy Sick. ===''Do Not Pass Gnome'' [1.21a]=== ===''Treasure Hunt'' [1.21b]=== ===''The Jumping Bean Express'' [1.22a]=== ===''Get Offa My Cloud'' [1.22b]=== ===''Backwards to Forwards'' [1.23a]=== ===''Sounds Like Trouble'' [1.23b]=== ===''The Greatest Show in Dragon Land'' [1.24a]=== ===''Prepare According to Instructions'' [1.24b]=== ===''Wheezie's Last Laugh'' [1.25a]=== :'''Zak''': ''[to Mr. Pop]'' Mr. Pop? I have a great sound for you! :''[Zak takes away Mr. Pop's laugh.]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': Really? A very funny one? :''[After Zak and Wheezie stole Mr. Pop's laugh, they replace it with a donkey sound. The donkey sound --which Mr. Pop had stole-- must have came from a donkey. And he --Mr. Pop-- had replaced the donkey bray on the donkey with a different animal sound.]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[Insert donkey brays here]''! '''MY LAUGH!''' ''[Insert donkey brays here]''! :'''Wheezie''': Now you know how it feels to lose your favorite ''[imitates laugh]''! :''[The incident makes Mr. Pop feel how Wheezie felt when he took away her laugh. First, he switched the sounds of all the farm animals. He made the cow sound like a frog, the rooster sound like a cow, and the frog sound like a rooster. And now, he took away Wheezie's laugh too. In the meantime, Mr. Pop says...!]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[in between donkey brays]'' I sure do! And it feels awful! :''[After Mr. Pop says this, he resumes donkey brays.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[to Mr. Pop]'' I will give you your laugh back, if you give my sister her laugh back. :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[in between donkey brays]'' Okay. You win. ===''Frog Prints'' [1.25b]=== ===''Crash Landings'' [1.26a]=== ===''The Big Cake Mix-up'' [1.26b]=== :'''Zak''': Wait! Something’s not right. ''[looks over the stuff on the table]'' Hmmm, I know. The bowl is going to be too small, and everything’s gonna spill and make a big mess! :'''Cassie''': Maybe there’s a bigger bowl in the cupboard. :'''Zak''': Good idea. <hr width="82%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Perfect! It's time to bake it! :'''Zak''': Oh, no! We can't! :'''Max''': Why not? :'''Zak''': 'Cause we're not allowed to use the oven without Mom... ''["Mom" is mistakenly heard as "Bob"]'' :'''Wheezie''': I can fix that... '''Mom???'' <hr width="82%"/> :'''Mom''': ''Max, Emmy!'' :'''Emmy''': Uh-oh. :'''Max''': What? :'''Emmy''': I think. There's something we didn't plan too well. :'''Max''': What? :'''Mom''': ''Dinnertime!'' :'''Both''': Aw... ===''Quetzal's Magic Pop-Up Book'' [1.27a]=== ===''My Way or Snow Way'' [1.27b]=== ===''Sand Castle Hassle'' [1.28a]=== :'''Zak''': They're coming! :'''Ord''': The turtle dragons? :'''Zak''': No, the waves! ===''True Blue Friend'' [1.28b]=== :'''Max''': Then, follow me to Dragon Land. ===''Zak Takes a Dive'' [1.29a]=== :'''Quetzal''': Ord Por favor leave some water for the lake for the others :''[Ord Smiles]'' :'''Max''' Come on let's make a big splash like Ord! :'''Quetzal:''': Don't forget to put on your dragon wings :'''Max:''': Dragon wings Cool <hr width="50%"/> :''[They try to swim but use the wrong arm strokes]'' :'''Wheezie''': Was that better? :'''Zak''': No! We didn't go anywhere. ===''Under the Weather'' [1.29b]=== ===''My Emmy or Bust'' [1.30a]=== :''[Max hears Emmy close the door.]'' :'''Max''': Oh, no! Huh? :''[Emmy goes into the car --to go shopping at the grocery store with their dad-- unaware of the dragons calling.]'' :'''Max''': '''EMMY...!? YOU GOT TO COME BACK!''' ''[echoes]'' Where did you go? :''[The car drives away. Mom --Emmy and Max's mother-- comes out of her bedroom. And she asks Max...!]'' :'''Mom''': ''[from in the hall --and offscreen]'' Max? Did you call me? :''[But their mom is unaware that Emmy was going grocery shopping with their dad. And Max was left behind --that is, to go to Dragon Land without Emmy. What is more, Emmy --on the other hand-- is going shopping with their dad. That is, even though she was supposed to go to Dragon Land with Max.]'' :'''Max''': ''[calls back]'' No, Mom! :''[Mom --Max and Emmy's mother-- leaves, blissfully unaware. Max turns back to himself. And he says...!]'' :'''Max''': The dragons are calling! I just don't want to go without Emmy. But you have no idea... '''WHAT IF THEY NEED ME!?''' :''[Max takes out the dragon scale. And he says the rhyme.]'' :'''Max''': ''[with the dragon scale]'' ''I wish, I wish,'' :''with all my heart,'' :''To fly with dragons in a land apart.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[as she gets back home from the supermarket with their dad]'' You should have come, Max! Dad gave me a quarter so I could ride on the big blue dinosaur which was in front of the store. :'''Max''': That is nothing. Because I went to Dragon Land by myself. ''[he tells Emmy about his adventure without her]'' I was captain of a submarine. And I was searching for a missing sea dragon. :'''Emmy''': Oh, Max! Am I glad to see you! :''[Emmy talks to Max about the dinosaur at the supermarket. Their dad had given Emmy a quarter and Emmy she got to ride the dinosaur in front of the supermarket.]'' :'''Emmy''': Just because I got to ride the dinosaur (at the supermarket), you do not need to make up a story. ===''Light My Firebreath'' [1.30b]=== :'''Emmy''': Ready. :'''Max''': Here goes. :''[bubbling]'' :'''Emmy''': Let me try. ''[blows]'' :'''Max''': Blow harder. :'''Emmy''': Ew. ''[laughs]'' Okay, enough volcanoes. Let's go to Dragon Land. :'''Max''': Good idea. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. ===''Follow the Leader'' [1.31a]=== ===''Max and the Magic Carpet'' [1.31b]=== ===''Rope Trick'' [1.32a]=== ===''Baby Troubles'' [1.32b]=== ===''Small Time'' [1.33a]=== :'''Ord''': That's weird. You wouldn't think they'd only send her backpack. ''[holds up Emmy's backpack]'' :'''Zak''': Huh? How come Emmy's backpack is here? :'''Wheezie''': And Emmy isn't? :'''Cassie''': Where'd you find that, Ord? :'''Ord''': Right beside these flowers. :'''Cassie''': Careful, Ord, those are shrinking violets. When they bloom, they shrink anything they touch! :'''Ord''': ''[pulling his finger away]'' Oh! :'''Wheezie''': Hey, what's this? ''[picks up the shrunken kickball]'' I found a marble that looks like a dragon ball. :'''Cassie''': Say, that looks just like Emmy's kickball. It must've shrunk. ''[gasps]'' What if Max and Emmy touched the Shrinking Violets? :'''Zak''': Well, then they'd shrink down to teeny, tiny... Oh, No! They shrunk! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Monster caterpoozle! :'''Emmy''': It's just a regular caterpoozle. :'''Max''': We're tiny! ===''Roller Coaster Dragon'' [1.33b]=== :'''Wheezie''': I want to ride the roller coaster dragon so bad I can taste it! :'''Ord''': Really? What does it taste like? :'''Cassie''': Ha ha ha! It's just an expression, Ord! :'''Ord''': Oh. What's an expression taste like? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Hurry up! We have to get our snacks and get back in line before the roller coaster comes back! :'''Server Dragon''': Do I look an octopus, kid? I only have six arms! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': ''Max! Emmy! I'm going to the store to get dinner and ice cream. Be back in 15 minutes!'' :'''Kids''': Ice cream!?! :'''Max''': Only 15 minutes? I can wait that long, easy! :'''Emmy''': Me, too. Let's draw. :''[They sit down and draw pictures]'' :'''Max''': I drew a circle. Your turn. :'''Emmy''': ''There's a triangle.'' :''[Suddenly they realize what they drew]'' :'''Max''': Oh, no! It looks like an ice cream cone! :'''Kids''': MOM! :''[They realize they have to wait as the view goes black]'' ===''Up, Up and Away'' [1.34a]=== :'''All''': Good. Whoa! ''[all screaming]'' ===''Wild Time'' [1.34b]=== ===''Bad Share Day'' [1.35a]=== :''[Emmy finds a keyboard in the playroom and starts playing a song on it. She sings [[w:Three Blind Mice|Three Blind Mice]]. That is, as she sings...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[singing while playing her toy keyboard]'' ''Three blind mice, three blind mice,'' :''See how they run, see how they run.'' :'''Max''': ''[giggles]'' That's funny! :''[Next Emmy tries another song. It is called [[w:Baa Baa Black Sheep|Baa Baa Black Sheep]]. That is, as she sings...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[singing while playing her toy keyboard again]'' ''Baa, baa, black sheep,'' :''Have you any wool?'' :''[Max wants to play the keyboard too. So he says...!]'' :'''Max''': Let me try. :''[Emmy refuses to let Max have a turn. And she says...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily]'' '''NAH-UH! I AM PLAYING WITH IT! (I HAD IT FIRST!)''' :''[Max tries to tell their mom. That is, about Emmy not sharing the keyboard. So he says...!]'' :'''Max''': ''[to Mom]'' '''MOM?! EMMY IS NOT SHARING THE KEYBOARD (AGAIN)!''' :'''Mom''': ''[from outside the playroom --and to Max]'' ''Try to find something else until it's your turn, Max.'' :''[Max --who quickly buries the hatchet-- completely forgets about the keyboard and then, regards to Dragon Land.]'' :'''Max''': Maybe Ord has something cool to share with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': If I don't take my crayon back now, it'll be too late! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': You can use it. :'''Max''': I didn't want to use, Emmy. I only wait it to share it. Can't we play it together? ===''Whole Lotta Maracas Goin' On'' [1.35b]=== :'''Emmy''': ''Wake up, sleepyhead.'' :'''Max''': ''[yawns]'' I'm tired. ===''Ord Sees the Light'' [1.36a]=== ===''The Ugly Dragling'' [1.36b]=== ===''Out with the Garbage'' [1.37a]=== ===''Lights, Camera, Dragons'' [1.37b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' What's that? :'''Emmy''': It's my dad's video camera. I'm taping you right now! :'''Wheezie''': Ooh! I just love being in videos, they're so... ''[makes faces at the camera and laughs]'' :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Wheezie! We you're making us look silly! ''[approaching the camera]'' '''HI, MOM! HI DAD! IT'S ME, ZAK!''' ''["Mom" is mistakenly heard as "Bob"]'' :''[When suddenly Ord appears worried covering Zak and Wheezie and looking for Cheddar, his mouse]'' :'''Ord''': Hey! Did you two see Cheddar? :'''Zak''': ''[pushing it]'' Who cares about cheese, Ord? You're interrumpting my scene! ''[he and Wheezie make funny faces at the camera]'' :'''Ord''': I'm not talking about cheese... I'm looking from my dragon mouse, Cheddar. He ran into that knucker hole. :'''Wheezie''': So that's who scared Zak. :'''Zak''': He zipped right under out feet! Nearly tripped me. <hr width="70%"/> :'''Ord''': Cheddar! :'''Quetzal''': ''No...'' It's tuna fish. :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' No, no, no, Cheddar's the name of the mouse! :'''Zak''': He's Ord pet, but he run away. :''[Cheddar runs away with Quetzal's sandwich and Emmy records the scene]'' <hr width="70%"/> :'''Quetzal''': ''Jamón''. :'''Max''': Ham! :'''Quetzal''': ''Tomate''. :'''Max''': Tomato! :'''Quetzal''': ''Mostaza''. :'''Max''': Mustard! ''[laughs]'' <hr width="70%"/> :'''Max''': More cheese! :'''Ord''': I like olives! :'''Zak''': No ''jalapeños'', please. <hr width="70%"/> :'''Max''': ''[while Emmy is recording]'' I'm captain submarine of the sandwich patrol, and you're toast! ''[showing Cheddar]'' :''[Quetzal, Ord, Cassie, Zak and Wheezie gasp surprised and then Emmy and Max laugh.]'' ===''Bully for You'' [1.38a]=== ===''The Great White Cloud Whale'' [1.38b]=== :'''Captain Scallywag: Arrgh! Ooh, we've lost him. Ohh, I'll never see me ship again... :'''Emmy''': Don't give up, Captain Scallywag. :'''Cassie''': Yeah! Maybe we can help you think of another way to catch the Cloud Whale. :'''Wheezie''': Oh!... oh!... oh!... I bet he'd come if he heard a nice whale song... :'''Zak''': We don't know any whale songs. Do we? :'''Wheezie''': Sure we do! ♪ Oh, where, oh, where has my big cloud whale gone?... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' That's a dog song! :'''Wheezie''': Not anymore... ♪ Oh, where, oh, where can he be? With his ears cut short... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Whales don't have any ears! :'''Wheezie''': ♪ And his tail cut long, oh, please, come back to Wheezie. ♪ ''[she laughs while Zak gets angry]'' :'''Max''': Nice song! Too bad it didn't work... ===''To Do or Not to Do'' [1.39a]=== :'''Zak''': Please don't tell me we're really in the stomach of a giant Dragonocerous! :'''Glimmer''': Honey, you're really in the stomach of a giant Dragonocerous. :'''Zak''': I told you not to tell me that! ===''Much Ado About Nodlings'' [1.39b]=== :''[In the grass, the little Nodlings are all arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously in fury and they started kicking and punching over the broken wagon.]'' :'''Max''': Have you ever had a fight what are they saying? :'''Wheezie''': They are have all argued! :''[It is true --true to what Wheezie says. The nodlings are really furious fist, This Challenge Erupted Into A Violence Argument Of Fury, Angry, Mad.]'' :'''Zak''': Because you’ve never seen a fight this broken wagon! :'''Cassie''': And now they don’t have anything to carry their mush trees in! :'''Max''': What’s a mush tree? :'''Ord''': It’s like a war mushroom! Only it’s a war tree. Well, THAT'S a war dragons like us, but to the little Nodlings, these are really huge. And they cut them down, eat their fruit, and chop them up into firewood to keep themselves warm in the winter. But without their wagon, the Nodlings start arguing very angry without anything to carry their mush trees home. And then they would be cold and even worse, heartbreaking! :'''The Giant of Nod''': [Offscreen, Growls Loudly And Then He Violently Fires A Gun To stop an argument, outraged evilly] '''SILENCE!!!!!!!!''' :'''Ord''': ''[frightened]'' It’s the Giant of Nod! :''[The Giant of Nod --furiously-- makes his way through the grass right up to the dragons. He eventually makes it to the pathway. And --almost that quickly-- he furiously storms to the entrance to the nodlings's house where he and the little nodlings stop from fighting.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Huh, I still can’t believe that giant was being so mean, nasty, rude and bossy! :''[Wheezie growls angrily, realizing too late he's been exposed.]'' :'''Zak''': [sternly] You don't scare me. You deliberately disobeyed! :''[The Giant of Nod -- Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Out A Megaphone Very Angry.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[Thunders Angrily From Echoes In His Speaker Into An Rage Outburst To the Little Nodling Military] '''YOU WILL GONNA BE THE NODLING SOLDIERS, I AM THE GIGANTIC BOSSY KING SERGEANT, YOUR HEIRS!!!!!''' :''[The little nodlings salutes their leader --the Giant of Nod-- the wagon that Max broke. The Giant of Nod turns to the little nodlings. And when they --the little nodlings-- snarl and snap at the Giant of Nod what about happened to their wagon --and about a child boy breaking it-- they are very angry. That is, and so is the Giant of Nod. After the nodlings --angrily-- tell their leader the Giant of Nod, the Giant of Nod commands, with orders to march towards this. He --the Giant of Nod-- gets marching orders the little nodlings said to him. And he shakes his fist in rages out of series bossiness to Max, Emmy, and the dragon group, then he angrily screams into his megaphone which get more tense by flinches lividly the old wagon.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[losing control of his rage and yelling from echoes in his speaker, violently stomps on the broken wagon]'' '''YOU WILL JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEIRS IN FIRED!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!''' :'''All''': [in unison, furious loudly] '''SIR, YES, SIR, KING SERGEANT!!!!''' ''[The Giant of Nod --when he angrily screams "'''DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!'''"-- he commands an barking order. After commanding an barking order, everyone --Emmy, Ord, Cassie, and Zak and Wheezie-- in response to him --the Giant of Nod-- look at Max. And they angrily arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' :'''Max''': ''[While Emmy, Ord, Cassie, and Zak and Wheezie arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously and they started kicking and punching each other, then he irritating turns to the Giant of Nod threateningly enraged]'' '''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!''' You are out of order, you jerk!!! You just a show-off and boast, I did because sometimes I'm too bossy!! :''[The Giant of Nod angrily turns to Max.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[from echoes in his speaker --and to Max]'' '''I'M THE BOSSY KING SERGEANT!!! I WILL BOTH YOU AND THEN DWEEB IS STUPID ONE DAY, YOUR GOING TO COMMAND YOU TO GUILTY, I SAY, GUILTY!!! GUILTY, GUILTY!!!! I'LL SMASH YOUR WAGON!!! HEAR ME!?!?''' :''[By the saying of the Giant of Nod, he --even though Max is difficult being angry king when the giant of nod boss everyone into doing frivolous things at the wrong time he was-- says Max from fighting it deliberately. And he demands that Max losing control of his outrage without his little nodlings's wagon immediately.]'' :'''Max''': [mad] '''THAT'S IT!!''' Do this, do that! You're just too bossy to break it. It was way too bossy would never do what you did! Never! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[becoming enraged from echoes in his speaker --and to Max]'' '''QUIET!!! I WILL DESTROY YOU GUYS!!! I’m never let you again! Never, Never, NEVER letting mention that name in my presence, You are one with the order of the Sith Lords. Henceforth, you shall be known as Young Sergeant without hear of you going to FIGHT WITH NO NODLINGS TO CARRY OUR MUSH TREES!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [yelling loudly ticked off] '''I'M GOING TO BE THE KILLER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?! YOU, ARE, FIRED!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [angry] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!''' :'''Max''': [thunders angrily] '''YOU ARE FIRED!!!''' :'''The Giant Of Nod''': [angrily frustration] '''I'D HATE YOU!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [losing control of his outrage, angrily yells] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [loud frustration] '''SHUT UP, JERK!!!''' :'''Max''': [angry roars] '''I WISH I WILL NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [frustration lividly] '''THAT'S IT!! GET THE SARGENT OUT IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!! I'LL SMASH YOUR BROKEN WAGON!!!!!!! :''[So the Giant of Nod is very angry without it; Because he angrily growls, furiously commands the little nodlings having no place to carry their mush trees. That is, as he storms off in anger and says --in unison, enraged echoes on the megaphone-- "'''HE ADMITS MY NODLINGS WITH NO PLACE TO EXPLODE OUR MUSH TREES!!! I'D HATE YOU!!!!!'''". So he barked orders Max to go away without fix his little nodlings's wagon.]'' <hr width="100%"/> :''[At dragon's military school, Sergeant Max commands the nodlings the "wagon section" of his bulldozer so they can carry their mush trees. That is, to replace the broken wagon.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [It sure is becoming angry] Recruits, you've lost your temper, so you become a loser!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! It's your fault because you were going our separate ways forever. So, this is… This is your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight to stomp your guts out! Do you deny it, Max!?! :'''Max''': [salutes] '''Sir, WRONG, sir!! WRONG, sir!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [sighs then smiles to apologizes about being difficult being still wrecked them and the king, even though it was on purpose and boss everyone into doing frivolous things at the wrong time.] Oh, Good. Well Done, Max. Thank You. Now You're Not A Sergeant. You're good, kid. Outstanding! As long as I'm around you're second best. I'm sorry I was barking order at you. It's just take some time cut down more masteries than ever, but together, we will build my nodlings will be able to our army. I'll show them. :'''Max''': I'm sorry I was so cross. :'''The Giant of Nod''': I know you don't like argument because sometimes I'm too bossy. :'''Max''': I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mr. Nod. :'''The Giant of Nod''': [forgives him and accepts his apology, comforting] Me too. ===''Don't Bug Me!'' [1.40a]=== :'''Emmy''': ''[finding Max in the playroom]'' Max? ''[Notices a rubber spider and shrieks]'' :'''Max''': Scared ya! ===''Over and Over'' [1.40b]=== ==Season 2 (2001-2002)== ===''Lucky Stone'' [2.01a]=== :'''Max''': Pilot to co-pilot. Ready for take off. :'''Emmy''': Ready, Captain Max. ( ''grunting'' ) ( ''laughing'' ) :'''Emmy''': Good flying. Now, it's my turn. :'''Max''': I know where we could fly next. :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Hello! Anybody there? :'''Emmy''': Zak? Wheezie? Cassie? :'''Max''': Ord? Where is everybody? Wait. Watch me skip this rock. 2 times! :'''Emmy''': Cool. Let me try. Oh, well. :'''Max''': Whoa! Look at this. :'''Emmy''': It's shaped like a heart. :'''Max''': Watch it jump. Ta-da! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': Aw, it was ''nothing''. ( ''no audio'' ) ( ''whistle blows'' ) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Max''': Watch me fly! :'''Emmy''': Max, what are you doing? :'''Max''': 3 loop-de-loops, 4 aerial zig-zags, and a round-spring-back-hand-off! ===''The Mefirst Wizard'' [2.01b]=== ===''Cassie Catches Up'' [2.02a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''[sighs]'' I feel so bad I let Emmy down. :''[first lines]'' :'''Emmy''': [making shadow puppets] See? This one's a dog and this one's a rabbit. Can you guess what this one is? :'''Max''': Um, a bat? :'''Emmy''': Right! And he's coming to get you... :''[last lines]'' :'''Max''': We could have a jumping contest and a spinning with your eyes shut contest. :'''Mom''': Max! Emmy! Time for lunch! :'''Emmy''': How about a contest to see who can eat the most spaghetti? :'''Max''': I'd win that! :'''Emmy''': Not if I get the spaghetti first! :'''Max''': Heh heh, wait up! ===''Very Berry'' [2.02b]=== :''[first lines]'' :'''Max''': Hey, look, Emmy. I have a banana nose. :'''Emmy''': Hold on. I've almost finished my book. Are you done with your puzzle yet? :''[last lines]'' :'''Max and Emmy''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Hey, look out the window! It's started to rain. And you know what that means. :'''Max''': Lots and lots of mud puddles! :'''Emmy''': Wait for me! :'''Ord''': Ohh... ''[his stomach starts making very loud noises]'' I've ate so many berries before... Should I... or shouldn't I? Well, maybe just a little bite. :'''Max''': My Daddy once read me a story where a bear who got stuck in a hole. 'Cause he too much honey. :'''Zak''': Really? How did he get out? :'''Max''': He stayed there until he got thin again, then he popped out! ===''Finders Keepers'' [2.03a]=== ===''Remember the Pillow Fort'' [2.03b]=== :'''Wheezie''': ♪ The wind blows a breezy through Wheezie's treezies... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[annoying]'' Ohhhhhh... If I hear another song about the wind blowing through something like... Ohhhhhh... :'''Wheezie''': ''[repentant]'' Oh... You right, you right. :'''Max''': Hi, Zak and Wheezie, what's wrong? :'''Wheezie''': Oh, hi, Max. We're supposed to bring a new song to our music lesson tomorrow and it's supposed to be about feelings, but we can't think of anything good. :'''Zak''': And we've been trying for days! :'''Wheezie''': Oh!... oh!... oh!... How about...? ♪ Ord is tall and Max is short, they both built a pillow fort... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Wheezie, feelings, like happy and sad! :'''Wheezie''': I know, I know... :'''Ord''': '''MAX, I CAN'T FIND ANYMORE PURPLE PILLOWS, I THINK YOU USED THEM ALL UP!''' :'''Max''': That's because I'm making a purple fort and you're making a red fort, Ord. :'''Ord''': But I wanted to make a tunnel just like yours! :'''Max''': '''BUT YOU CAN'T, PURPLE'S MY COLOR AND RED IS YOURS!''' :'''Ord''': '''FINE!''' I've never like purple anyway. :'''Max''': '''WHAT'S WRONG WITH PURPLE?! PURPLE'S BETTER THAN RED!''' :'''Ord''': '''NUH-UH! RED IS BETTER THAN PURPLE!''' :'''Max''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Ord''': '''IS TOO!''' :''[is repeated]'' :'''Zak''': Oh! Now this is good! :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': ♪ Is not! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Is too... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ Is not! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Is too... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ I'm mad! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Mad at you. ♪ :'''Max''': '''PURPLE'S GOOD!''' :'''Ord''': '''RED IS BETTER!''' :'''Emmy''': What are you yelling about? :'''Ord''': '''MAX AND I ARE HAVING A FIGHT!''' :'''Cassie''': What about? :'''Max''': '''ORD THINKS IS RED FORT IS BETTER THAN MY PURPLE FORT!''' :'''Ord''': '''MAX THINKS IS PURPLE FORT IS BETTER THAN MY RED FORT!''' :'''Emmy''': Why fight? Both of your forts are nice. :'''Cassie''': Yeah! They look great! :'''Max''': But don't you think purple's great, Cassie? :'''Ord''': But red is nice is too, Emmy, just like apples! I know you like apples! :'''Emmy''': Well, red is pretty nice. Just look at it, Cassie... :'''Cassie''': But that purple is the same color as grapes. I love grapes. :'''Emmy''': '''YOU'RE WRONG! PURPLE ISN'T BETTER THAN RED!''' :'''Cassie''': '''I'M NOT WRONG!''' :''[They both regret their fight]'' :'''Cassie''': Wait! Why are we fighting? :'''Emmy''': Ah... Let's go back and play hospital. ''[both withdraw]'' :'''Zak''': Oooooh! Let's put that in! :'''Wheezie''': Okie-dokie! :'''Max''': Come back! :'''Ord''': '''YEAH! YOU NEVER TOLD US WHICH ONE YOU LIKED BEST!''' Ooooohhhhh... Max... This isn't any fun... I don't want to fight with you. :'''Max''': Me either. :'''Ord''': Really? Then you think red is better too? :'''Max''': '''NO WAY!''' Purple's better... :'''Both''': ''[sad]'' Awwwwwwwww... :'''Ord''': How are we gonna stop fighting, Max? :'''Max''': I don't know. :''[Zak and Wheezie they return happy with an good new]'' :'''Zak''': We finally have our song! And it's full of feelings thanks to you two, listen! :'''Wheezie''': We used to have fun all day! :'''Zak''': We were happy and we played! :'''Wheezie''': ''[as both they get angry]'' Now we're sad and we fight... :'''Zak''': From the morning till the night...! :''[They repeat all the above]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''THANKS, ORD! THANKS, MAX!''' :''[Both withdraw very happy]'' :'''Max''': Zak and Wheezie are right, Ord, we used to have fun all day! We used to slide down the biggest mountains. :'''Ord''': It was cold that day! :'''Max''': And make music that everyone could dance to. :'''Ord''': And we cooked yummy things in the kitchen. And played hide and snow seek till it was practically dark! :'''Max''': Didn't we have a great time? And we'd fly everywhere on our magic carpet. :'''Ord''': That was fun! :'''Max''': And grab on the clouds that pull us way up into the sky! :'''Ord''': And we made sandcastles and sandbombs... and sandwiches... :'''Max''': ''[laughs]'' And you taught me how to swing on the jungle gym. :'''Ord''': And you helped me learn to ride a bike. '''AND I WAS SO SURPRISED ON MY BIRTHDAY...!''' :'''Max''': Ord, I want to be friends again, but I still like purple. :'''Ord''': And I still like red... :'''Max''': Come on, I know a way we can both get what we want. :''[They both build a new fort with the red and purple pillows together and Cassie and Emmy peek out from behind a bush.]'' :'''Emmy''': What? :''[Max and Ord finish setting up the fort and Emmy waves to them]'' :'''Max''': Come on down, you guys, come play in our new fort! :'''Ord''': It's got lots of tunnels... :'''Emmy''': But how did you two stop fighting so fast? :'''Ord''': We used both our favorite colors and we made a really great fort. '''HURRY UP!''' :'''Emmy and Cassie''': '''WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!''' ''[laughs]'' ===''Big Funky Cloud'' [2.04a]=== :'''Emmy''': Yippee! We did it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Look out! :'''All''': Watch out! :'''Ord''': Whoa! ===''Copy Cat'' [2.04b]=== :'''Kids''': ( ''in unison'' ) I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme to go home, until next time. :'''Mom''': ( ''shouts in the house at once'' ) ''Max! Emmy! I just got back time the market. Does anyone want the juice pop?'' :'''Kids''': ( ''in unison'' ) I do! ( ''both laughing'' ) ===''One Big Wish'' [2.05a]=== :'''Emmy''': '''MAX, YOU JUST GREW AGAIN!''' :'''Ord''': '''YOU'RE AS BIG AS MUNGUS THE GIANT, AND THAT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BIG!''' :'''Max''': Better put these away, Wheezie, I don’t want to accidentally... :''[Max grabs the bats but ends up crushing them to pieces]'' :'''Max''': ...break them. :'''Wheezie''': ''[very annoyed]'' '''HEY! BIG GUY!''' :'''Zak''': ''[also annoyed]'' '''NICE GOING, MAX...!''' ===''Breaking Up is Hard to Do'' [2.05b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''STOOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIIT...!''' I just hate when you guys, especially over this... ''what do you call it.'' :'''Zak''': Yeah! Plus all this noise is giving me a headache! :'''Emmy''': I think I how to settle this. :'''Max''': Okay... :'''Ord''': How, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': We'll play ''"eeny, meeny, miny, moe"''. :'''Ord''': What's that? It sounds scary! :'''Emmy''': ''[laugh]'' Don't worry, Ord, it won't be scary, I'll see a rhyme and with each word i'll point to one of you and then the other. Whoever I'm pointing to when the rhyme ends, gets to take the piece home first. :'''Max''': Well, okay... :'''Ord''': I guess so... :'''Emmy''': Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a dragon by the toe, if he hollers let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, moe. :''[Max tries to put himself in Ord's place]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angry]'' '''MAX!''' :'''Ord''': '''HOORAY, I'M WIN!''' :'''Max''': Fine... :'''Ord''': I'm going to show my mummy right away. ===''A New Friend'' [2.06a]=== ===''Have No Fear'' [2.06b]=== :'''Max''': Too broken, too bouncy, too big. ===''Cassie the Green-Eyed Dragon'' [2.07a]=== ===''Something's Missing'' [2.07b]=== ===''A Crown for Princess Kidoodle'' [2.08a]=== :'''Emmy''': I'm so full. I don't think I'll be able to eat again for three days. :'''Mom''': Emmy! Max! Dinner! :''[kids giggle]'' ===''Three's a Crowd'' [2.08b]=== ===''Knuck Knuck, Who's Where?'' [2.09a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''Uh-oh. Which way?'' :'''Max''': ''[distant]'' ''Emmy. Where are you, Emmy?'' :'''Zak''': ''Where are you?'' :'''Max''': ''Cassie.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': There we're so many different ways to go. So, we mark the paths and we ask for directions, too. ===''Just Desserts'' [2.09b]=== :''[Mungus is sobbing]'' :'''Zak''': Look, it's Mungus. ===''Dragonberry Drought'' [2.10a]=== ===''A Snowman for All Seasons'' [2.10b]=== :'''Mom''': ''Emmy, Max, I think you have spent enough time inside today. Why don't you go outside and some fresh air? You can play in the snow.'' ===''I Believe in Me'' [2.11a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''[gasps]'' Emmy, Max. ===''Bye Bye Baby Birdie'' [2.11b]=== ===''Back to the Storybook'' [2.12a]=== :'''Emmy''': Come on, Max. Today's the day Cassie bringing Kiki and Finn to the School in the Sky. :'''Max''': I'm ready. I was waiting for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Kiki, Finn, you must be quiet! I'm sorry, Quetzal. Stop! :'''Bryce''': No! Cassie! Let's get out of here! :'''Cassie''': I think, they're tired of play with the toys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Emmy wants to know what the sad face --on Goldilocks-- is for. That is, as she --Emmy-- asks Goldilocks...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[to Goldilocks]'' What is the matter, Goldilocks? :'''Goldilocks''': ''[before crying]'' I bumped into the dining room table. And I spilled all the porridge! :''[Goldilocks cries --after the accident she just made with the porridge.]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[crying]'' '''BOO HOO!''' :''[Max, he says to Goldilocks...!]'' :'''Max''': All three bowls? :''[And Goldilocks says...!]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[in between tears]'' Yes. I cleaned up the mess. :''[After she --Goldilocks-- says this, she shows the group one of the porridge bowls. Then she says to Max and the rest of the gang...!]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[in between tears]'' But now there is no porridge left to eat! :''[Goldilocks resumes crying.]'' ===''Dragon Scouts'' [2.12b]=== ===''The Serpent's Trail'' [2.13a]=== :'''Norm''': That’s for me to know and for you to figure out. ''[laughs]'' By solving this puzzle. So far today, I’ve seen six different faces, including yours. So have I seen Cyrus or not? :'''Wheezie''': Can you say it again? :'''Norm''': Sure. So far today, I’ve seen six different faces, including yours. ''[laugh]'' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Max''': So that's why Cyrus took your detective kit, Emmy... :'''Ord''': To help him find the girls eggs! :'''Emmy''': Of course! My magnifying glass would help them spot the tiny little holes where the eggs are hidden. :'''Max''': We have to find Cyrus. :'''Ord''': We have to stop him! :'''Wheezie''': We have to save of itty-bitty eggs! :'''Max''': ''[listen to Cyrus]'' There he is...! :''[The gang runs to catch it]'' :'''Cyrus''': Come on, my dear little eggies... I know you're around here somewhere... Ah-ha! ''[dig in the sand]'' My treasure... Eggs, eggs and more eggs...! :''[The gang finally catches him]'' :'''Cyrus''': Oh, oh... :'''Emmy''': That's '''MY''' detective kit, Cyrus... :'''Cyrus''': You're right, sorry, I never should have taken it without asking you... Here. ''[he gives her back the detective kit and starts taking the eggs]'' :'''Cassie''': Those aren't your eggs either, Cyrus! :'''Cyrus''': But... but-but-but...! :'''Everyone''': ''[in chorus]'' '''CYRUS!''' :'''Cyrus''': Oh, alright. ''[puts the eggs down]'' Can't I have just one itty-bitty egg...? :'''Everyone''': ''[in chorus]'' '''NO!''' :'''Cyrus''': '''JUM!''' Fool... ''[leaves feeling angry and muttering to himself under his breath]'' ===''Head Over Heels'' [2.13b]=== :'''Max''': Emmy, remember, it's "ready, hand-hand, foot-foot." Not, "hand-hand, foot-bottom." ===''Sticky Situation'' [2.14a]=== ===''Green Thumbs'' [2.14b]=== ===''Teasing is Not Pleasing'' [2.15a]=== ===''Team Work'' [2.15b]=== :'''Ord''': Max! Emmy! Know any jokes? ''[hugging them]'' :'''Max''': Why? :''[Ord tickles Emmy and Max and they both laugh]'' :'''Ord''': Because the giggle flowers are in bloom! :'''Wheezie''': I looooove giggle flowers, they're so... giggly! ''[laugh]'' :'''Cassie''': They'll laugh at anybody's jokes, even mine. :'''Zak''': Wanna pick some? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. <hr width="45%"/> :'''Max''': If I had giggle flowers seeds, I'd plant them all over the place. :'''Ord''': That wouldn't work, giggle flowers only grow in hard to find places, because they're shy. :'''Wheezie''': I know how to find them... :'''Emmy''': How? :'''Wheezie''': I'll show you. Who has a knock-knock joke? :'''Max''': Hum... Knock, knock... :'''Wheezie''': Who's there? :'''Max''': Cargo. :'''Wheezie''': Cargo who? :'''Max''': Cargo beat, beat! :''[Wheezie laugh, listening the laughing flowers and Zak covers her snout]'' :'''Wheezie''': I think are you one! ''[laugh]'' :'''Zak''': How could you be sure what you're talking all the time? Shhhhhhhhhh! :''[They both go over to look inside the bush, they open it and find a stinkydink.]'' :'''Both''': ''[in chorus]'' '''A STINKYDINK!''' <hr width="45%"/> :'''Zak''': '''GROSS! STICKY YUCKY SPIDER THREADS!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''YOU MADE ME RUN INTO A SPIDER WEB!''' :'''Zak''': '''ME?! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LOOKING WHERE WE WERE GOING!''' :''[They both see their badges moving away]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''OUR BADGES!''' ''[worried]'' They're gone. Oh, Zak... If we don't stop arguing our badges just won't shine and we'll never get them back. :'''Zak''': You're right. :'''Wheezie''': On a count of three, both of us will grab the top of the spider web and pull it! Ready? One, two... :'''Zak''': Wait! Wait. Is it ''"one, two, hold on three"'' or ''"one, two, three"'', pull! :'''Wheezie''': No, Zak... It's ''"one, two, three, then pull."'' Okay? Here we go. :''[They both hold the spider web]'' :'''Wheezie''': One, two, three, pull! <hr width="45%"/> :'''Ord''': ''[hugging to Zak and Wheezie]'' Oh, thank goodness we found you...! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': '''OH, ORD! YOU'RE SQUISHING! LITTLE LESS GLAD WOULD BE GOOD! OH, NOW! OOH! OW!''' ===''On Thin Ice'' [2.16a]=== :'''Emmy''': Hurry, Max. I'm ready. :'''Max''': Found them. I wonder why Quetzal asked us to bring our ice skates today. :'''Emmy''': There's only one way to find out. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly to dragons in a land apart. :'''Kids''': ===''The Shape of Things to Come'' [2.16b]=== :''[For the circle key to Crystal the Door, Max sees a green lizard round orange spots. The lizard, he appears smiling. And the lizard, his spots are indeed shaped like a circle. The lizard smiles in a friendly smile. Then Max talks to the lizard.]'' :'''Max''': ''[to the lizard]'' Excuse me, Mr. Lizard? Can we maybe borrow one of your spots? We promise to bring it right back. :'''Mr. Lizard''': ''[laughs mockingly]'' '''HA!''' :''[Then he gets into a bullying tone. And --after Max asks him if he can borrow one of his spots because they are a circle-- he says to Max...!]'' :'''Mr. Lizard''': ''[continues --and in between laughs]'' '''OH SURE! AFTER YOU LET ME BORROW YOUR NOSE!''' :''[The lizard laughs mockingly, resumes laughing, and walks away. That is, after he says to Max that he --Max-- can borrow one of his spots as soon as he --Max-- lets him borrow his nose. Max --in response to the lizard-- pinches his nose and tries to keep the lizard from borrowing it. That is, since he does not want to fall for the lizard's joke.]'' ===''Hide and Can't Seek'' [2.17a]=== ===''The Art of Patience'' [2.17b]=== ===''So Long Solo'' [2.18a]=== ===''Hands Together'' [2.18b]=== :'''Dragons''': Happy Dragontines Day! ''[hug them]'' :'''Emmy''': And look what we brought! Dragontines for everybody! :'''Cassie''': We have cards for you too! :''[They all cheer and hand out the Dragontines as Quetzal comes over]'' :'''Quetzal''': Hola, Max and Emmy. Will you be joining us for the Happy Hearts recital this morning? :'''Ord''': It's a show that we put on for everyone we love every Dragontines Day. We sing songs and do dances. It'’s really fun, and... :'''Wheezie''': And we'd loooove it if you two would boogie down with us! :'''Emmy''': Definitely! :'''Quetzal''': I'll see you onstage, then. Adiós, niños. ''[leaves]'' :'''Wheezie''': Listen up, everybody, Zaky and I have a terrific idea! We want to sing a song that Quetzal taught us! :'''Zak''': There's a dance that goes with the song. And we can teach you how to do it. :'''Ord''': My mommy's gonna love that. :''[Changes to the playground where they gather to rehearse.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Okey-dokey, artichokies! The song is called ''"Los Pollitos"''. :'''Emmy''': I know that song! My Tía Carmen taught it to me when I was little. ''"Los Pollitos"'' means "little chicks." :'''Wheezie''': Right you are! And the little chicks are all cold and hungry. Brr! :'''Emmy''': But their mom finds some food and a warm blanket for them. :'''Wheezie''': Did your Tía teach you the dance too? :'''Emmy''': She sure did. :'''Zak''': Perfect! So why don't we show everyone how it goes? :'''Wheezie''': A-one... A-two and a-one, two, three! :''[Emmy, Zak and Wheezie perform the "Los Pollitos" dance]'' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :''[Moves: "Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio": Stand on one foot, then flap arms like a chick while stamping feet. "Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio": Stand still and rub belly, cross arms and shiver in place. "Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos": Flap arms and stamp feet again while spinning. "Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos": Pretend to sleep with head against arms, then rock arms back and forth.]'' :'''Cassie''': That looks fun! :'''Ord''': Yeah, let's all try it now! :'''Zak''': In English this time. :''[They all dance and Ord stumbles]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ :''[Ord knocks Max and Cassie to the ground and they laugh.]'' :'''Zak''': Pretty good for the first time. Want to try it again? :'''Cassie''': Yeah! :'''Emmy''': Sure! :'''Ord''': You bet we do! :''[The song restarts, all but Ord dances and he stumbles again.]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :'''Emmy''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ ''[hugs Cassie and laughs]'' :'''Ord''': Hey, that dance is hard! :'''Emmy''': Why don't we try it again? You'’ll catch on. :'''Ord''': I hope so. :'''Cassie''': I have an idea! What if we try the dance again a little slower, one line at a time? :'''Ord''': Okay. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Here we go! ♪ Los pollitos dicen... ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say... ♪ :'''Max''': Get ready to flap. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen hambre..." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry"... ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ And too cold to sleep." ♪ :'''Ord''': Hey, I did it! I did the dance! :'''Emmy''': Ready to try it all together now? :'''Ord''': You betcha! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry, and too cold to sleep" ♪ :'''Ord''': Wait. I'm stuck! I can do the parts of the dance, but it's hard to do them all together! Maybe if I watch you guys do it all the way through again, that'll help... :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ :'''Ord''': Okay, I think I got it. Let's try it! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen hambre..." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry"... ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ And too cold to sleep." ♪ :'''Ord''': Whoa! ''[he stumbles]'' :'''Emmy''': Are you okay, Ord? :'''Ord''': Yes, but it's almost time for the Happy Hearts recital and I'm never gonna learn this dance never, ever, ever... :'''Max''': ''[while Zak, Wheezie, Cassie and Emmy gasps]'' Ord, wait! :'''Emmy''': Come back! <hr width="100%"/> :'''Ord''': I really want to join my friends in the show, but I just ''can't'' do the dance right. ( ''song hums'' ) Clap, stomp. Oh! It's ''no'' use! :'''Quetzal''': Hola, Ord. You dropped. "To my mommy, love you lots. From, Ord.'' Your mother will be so happy that you made this for her. :'''Ord''': Thank you. :'''Quetzal''': Are you going to give it to your mother after the recital? :'''Ord''': No. I'm ''not'' going to the recital, because I tried and I tried, but, the dance is too hard. ===''Sneezy Does It'' [2.19a]=== ===''Try It, You'll Like It'' [2.19b]=== ===''Just for Laughs'' [2.20a]=== :''[About the tickle monsters. Kiki and Finn agreed with the group that the remaining custard eggs were in the Giant of Nod's magic box. So they accidentally let the tickle monsters out.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[to the Giant of Nod]'' Did you say "Tickle Monsters"? :'''Giant of Nod''': ''[to Emmy]'' '''YES! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID! AND THOSE TICKLE MONSTERS, THEY ATE UP ALL OUR FOOD!''' ===''Give Zak a Hand'' [2.20b]=== :'''Zak''': Sure! ===''Make No Mistake'' [2.21a]=== ===''The Balancing Act'' [2.21b]=== :'''Emmy''': I love my new skateboard, but, I'll ''never'' be able to ride it if this rain doesn't stop. :'''Max''': I know a place where you can ride it, Emmy. :'''Kids''': Dragon Land! I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme, to go back home, until next time. :'''Emmy''': Whew. No more skateboarding today. :'''Max''': You can help me build my log tower, if you want. Whoa! It's gonna fall and make a mess! :'''Emmy''': You just need to add a log here, so, each side has the same number of logs ( ''British accent'' ) for the perfect balance. ===''Room for Change'' [2.22a]=== ===''The Sorrow and the Party'' [2.22b]=== ===''The Grudge Won't Budge'' [2.23a]=== ===''Putting the Fun in Fun Houses'' [2.23b]=== ===''Puzzlewood'' [2.24a]=== :'''Max''': Come on, Emmy, let's finish our jigsaw puzzle. The piece that fits here is big at the top and small at the bottom. Look, Emmy, I found it. :'''Emmy''': Me, oh, my, it's my favorite. ===''Let's Dance'' [2.24b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''IT'S A MUSIC BOX! LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Well, I don't love it that music's making me dance, and I can't stop! :'''Wheezie''': But dancing's fun, Zaky, and look at you go you're dancing up a storm. '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Uh... It maybe fun for you, Wheezie, but I don't want to dance. Where are we going? :'''Wheezie''': It's me... :'''Zak''': Arrrghhhh... But we're supposed to guard the other boxes! :'''Wheezie''': Oh, all right, I'll close the box now... Zak, it won't close! :'''Zak''': Uh... Let my try. ''[try to close the box]'' I can't close it either and if we don't we'll keep dancing. :'''Wheezie''': Come on, little boxy, please, close... :'''Zak''': Oh, great, now what? :''[They both leave with the music box dancing ballet along the way]'' :'''Zak''': Maybe Quetzal could help us. :'''Wheezie''': '''QUETZAL, HEEEEEEEEEELP!''' :''[Quetzal sees them dancing from the school window and greets them]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''BUT WE'RE TOO FAR AWAY HE CAN'T HEAR US!''' :'''Zak''': '''WAVE HARDER, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!''' :''[Quetzal looks at them through the window again and withdraws]'' :'''Wheezie''': Oh, no! What do we do? :'''Zak''': '''PANIC! CAUSE WE'RE DOOMED TO DANCE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFES!!!!!!!! WHEEZIE, I'M REALLY TIRED OF THE SONG!''' :'''Wheezie''': Did tell the truth... ''[sighing]'' I'm tired of dancing too... :''[The pace of the song slows down]'' :'''Zak''': Do you hear what I hear? :'''Wheezie''': The music seems to be stopping, let's try to close the box again... '''WE DID IT!''' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Zak''': Now leave those boxes alone, Wheezie, every time you open one, we get in big trouble! :'''Wheezie''': No more peaking, Zak, i promise... <hr width="85%"/> :'''Greta''': Hello, everyone, my hat and I are back it last! :'''Wheezie''': '''I DID IT! THE WHOLE TIME WE WHERE PLAYING I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE STRIPY BOX ONCE!''' :'''Zak''': Here you go, Greta, your boxes. :'''Greta''': Thank you for watching them... :'''Wheezie''': Hmmmmmmm... Well... Actually... I couldn't wait and I opened two of them. :'''Greta''': '''YOU DID?!''' But you shouldn't have opened them without my permission. :'''Wheezie''': I know, and I'm sorry. I'm trying to learn how to wait. :'''Greta''': Well... I know how hard it is to wait. But sometimes, waiting for a surprise makes it even more fun when you finally see what it is. :'''Wheezie''': May I open the box now, please? :'''Greta''': Yes, you may. :'''Wheezie''': Any special rules? :'''Greta''': Nope, go right ahead... :''[Wheezie opens the box and to everyone's surprise colorful streamers come out]'' :'''Greta''': But there's another secret to this little box, pull your streamer when I say these special words: ''"Gravity Green!"'' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Cassie''': It was so much fun! :'''Ord, Emmy and Max''': Thanks, Greta. :'''Zak''': See, if you went ahead and opened the box, we wouldn't have known the special words, and we would have missed the merry-go ride. :'''Wheezie''': I'm so glad I was finally able to wait. :'''Cassie''': Wheezie, your badge! :'''Wheezie''': Oh, boy! Look, Zaky, look! :'''Zak''': That good going, Wheezie! :''[They both hug each other]'' ==Season 3 (2005)== ===''To Fly with a New Friend, Part 1'' [3.01a]=== :''[first lines]'' :'''Max''': ''[imitates galloping hooves as he plays with his horse]'' Giddy-up! Yee-haw! I thought Enrique was coming over to play, Emmy. :'''Emmy''': He is, Max. Isn't it great having a new friend living next door? :'''Max''': Yeah. :''[knocking on the door is heard.]'' :'''Emmy and Max''': Come in! :''[the door opens and Enrique comes in the playroom.]'' :'''Emmy''': Hi! :'''Max''': Hi, Enrique! :'''Enrique''': ''Hola!'' ''Que tal?'' :'''Emmy''': Great! :'''Max''': How's it going? :'''Enrique''': ''Bien.'' Okay... I guess. :'''Max''': ''[offers another horse toy]'' Wanna play cowboy? :'''Enrique''': ''[grabs the horse toy]'' I have an uncle who is a real-life cowboy. A ''vaquero''. I used to ride horses with him back home. :'''Max''': Was that in [[Mexico]]? That's where our ''abuelita (Spanish for: grandma)'' is from. :'''Enrique''': No, in [[Columbia]]. But then we moved to [[Puerto Rico]], and I didn't get to ride so much. ''[pause; Emmy and Max look at him confused and skeptical]'' You guys would ''love'' Puerto Rico! You could play on the beach and swim, and... ''[sighs sadly]'' :'''Emmy''': You really miss it, huh? :'''Enrique''': ''A veces.'' Uh, sometimes. It's so different [[United States|here]], and it's just hard. :'''Max''': But you speak English really good. :'''Emmy''': "Really ''well''". :''[Max glares at her.]'' :'''Enrique''': It's not that, it's just... I don't know. I've tried to make friends at school but all the kids all know each other already. And they all talk about stuff I don't know anything about. :'''Max''': Anything you want to know about, I'm an expert! :'''Emmy''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, brother! :'''Enrique''': ''Gracias'', Max. I just wish there was a place where everyone was as friendly as you and Emmy. :'''Max''': We know a place like that! :'''Emmy''': ''[whispers]'' Max! ''[glares at him]'' :'''Max''': ''[whispers]'' Why can't we take Enrique there? :'''Emmy''': Because we... we just can't. ''[Max smiles at her]'' Well, maybe. I guess. ''[smiles]'' Definitely! :'''Max''': ''[giggles]'' :''[Emmy runs to the drawer and Max follows her. She opens the drawer, picks up the case and opens it, revealing the magic dragon scale.]'' :'''Enrique''': Wow, that is so beautiful! ''Que es eso? (Spanish for: What's that?]'' :'''Max''': It's a dragon scale! :'''Enrique''': ''[chuckles]'' Sure, right. Seriously, what makes it glow like that? :'''Max''': It's magical. It takes us to a place called Dragon Land. :'''Enrique''': Come on! ''[Emmy and Max smile at him]'' Okay, so how does it work? :'''Emmy''': Well, Max and I hold the scale and say: ''I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart.'' And whoosh, we're there! :'''Max''': ''[picks out the scale]'' You want to try? :''[Enrique is hesitant as first but shrugs and decides to give it a try as he, Emmy and Max hold the scale together.]'' :'''Emmy and Max''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart... :'''Enrique''': I wish, I wish, with all I've got... :'''Emmy''': No, it's ''"with all my heart"''! :'''Enrique''': Ah, ''corazon''! Heart! Sorry! :''[Emmy, Max and Enrique hold the scale together.]'' :'''Emmy, Max and Enrique''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. :''[The scale shines bright.]'' :'''Enrique''': ''[gasps]'' :''[The dragon tapestries come to life and leap off the wallpaper, and spin around Emmy, Max and Enrique as the three are surrounded in a colorful sparkling light.]'' :'''Enrique''': What? Whoa! No way! :''[Emmy, Max and Enrique transport to Dragon Land.]'' <hr width="85%"/> :''[Zak and Wheezie fly in.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, I just loooove making a new friend... Hello! I'm Wheezie, and this is my brother, Zak! :'''Enrique''': Ah... Ohhhhh... Hello, I'm... '''YOU HAVE TWO HEADS!''' :'''Zak''': Yeah. Hers does most to the talking, mine does most to the thinking! ''[laugh]'' :'''Wheezie''': Oh, Zaky... Ooh, I almost forgot! Quetzal sent us to find you, he need us for something veeeery important... :'''Enrique''': Quetzal? :'''Cassie''': He's our teacher at the school in the sky, Enrique... :'''Max''': Come on! You'll really like him... :''[Max rides Ord and Emmy rides Cassie.]'' :'''Zak''': You can ride in us, Enrique... :'''Enrique''': Ride on a dragon's back? :'''Max''': Of course. :'''Enrique''': Okay, I've read in horses this can't be that much more difficult. ''[rides Zak and Wheezie]'' :'''Zak''': Hang on tight, Enrique! :'''Enrique''': Okay... You're not gonna run too fast are you? :'''Zak''': Who said anything about running? :'''Wheezie''': You're gonna fly! ===''To Fly with a New Friend, Part 2'' [3.01b]=== :'''Enrique''': Where are we now? :'''Ord''': Don't know, Enrique... Some kind of garden... :'''Cassie''': And it's full of knucker holes. :'''Zak''': Mystery solved. The knuckle holes disappear, some kind of magic brought him here. :'''Emmy''': But who did the magic? :'''Quanita''': That would be me... ''[comes down from the tree using his magic wand]'' Hi. I'm Quanita, junior wizard, uh... in training. :'''Wheezie''': '''AM I MAD!''' :'''Max''': Yeah, cause you shouldn't take what doesn't belong you! That's not right. :'''Quanita''': Oh, I am so sorry, let me explain. :'''Zak''': Oh... To this oughta be good... :'''Quanita''': Easy... The head wizard asked me to plant all these speckled trees, but it would take me forever to dig holes for all of them... :'''Ord''': There sure are a lot of them... :'''Quanita''': So I waved my wand and made a wish for holes to plant them in, and well, these are what appeared. Huh... I am afraid I am not a good wizard. :''[Everyone looks worried]'' :'''Zak''': Ahhhhh... Anybody can make a mistake, with she makes them constantly. :'''Wheezie''': '''SURE DO...!''' :'''Cassie''': Maybe you just need practice, Quanita. :'''Quanita''': You think? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Quanita''': I'll reverse the wish and send all the knuckle holes back. :'''Zak''': Get ready to jump everybody, we're going home with the knuckle holes! :'''Enrique''': Wait! Before we go, we can help Quanita plant her trees. :'''Emmy''': That's the great idea, Enrique, it's a big job for one little wizard. :'''Enrique''': Can you make a wish for shovels? :'''Quanita''': I can try... :'''Max''': You did it! :'''Wheezie''': '''LET'S GET TICKING!''' ===''Rise and Bloom'' [3.02a]=== :'''Max''': Come on, little guys. Rise and bloom. Hmm. I think then need a little moe help waking up. :''[all join in, singing in Spanish]'' ===''Super Snow Day'' [3.02b]=== ===''Musical Scales'' [3.03a]=== :'''Zak''': You heard, Wheezie! We aren't here! Oops! I mean, Wheezie and I aren't...! Oh! Oh, I give up. :'''Wheezie''': Awwwwwwww... I had them fooled until you put our foot in your mouth... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': Our song is called ''"El Coqui"'', the frog! :'''Enrique''': I taught them that song ''en español'' and english. :''[Music playing]'' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ My Coqui, little frog, how I love you... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ For your song is be comfort and peace... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Every night I can go to sleep happy... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ When I hear lullabies from Coqui. ♪ :'''Both''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Zak''': '''OH! OW! OH!''' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Enrique''': I didn't teach you this part. :'''Zak''': ''[jumping]'' '''OOH! AHH!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[jumping]'' '''AAH! OOOH!''' :'''Zak''': Can you feel that? Uhh. Itchy! Ah! :'''Cassie''': I think we'd better try something else. Hmmmmm... Maybe we could cover up the bald spots. :'''Max''': With what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Why didn't I ever think of wearing all my fancy clothes at the same time before? :'''Zak''': Because we look like someone dumped a laundry basketover our heads... This almost looks worse than shedding. :''[Ord, Cassie and Emmy laugh]'' :'''Max''': No! You look like rock stars really. Play! :''[Music playing]'' :'''Zak''': ♪ My Coqui, little frog, how I love you... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ For your song is be comfort and peace... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[concerned]'' ♪ A belt has come loose and it's slipping... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Well, grab it before it falls off. ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ Oh! ♪ Coqui, qui, qui... ♪ '''YOW!''' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Zak''': '''WOW!''' :''[They both fall to the floor]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': '''WHOA!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' Oh, sorry. I can't help it! :'''Zak''': That is a b-a-d haircut. ===''Hand in Hand'' [3.03b]=== :'''Enrique''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': Hey! :'''Max''': Ow! :''[Enrique gasps]'' :'''Zak''' and '''Wheezie''': 1, 2, 3, pull! Pull! :'''Enrique''': Pare! Stop! What are you doing? ===''Sky Soccer'' [3.04a]=== :'''Ord''': Wow! That looks like so much fun! I can't wait to be on the team... :'''Emmy''': Have you ever played sky soccer before, Ord? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': ''[annoyed]'' '''WELL, DON'T TAKE ALL DAY!''' :'''Zak''': Okay, okay, here goes nothing...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': I'm not sure I can remember all that. ===''Itching for a Cure'' [3.05a]=== :'''Emmy''': ''Careful.'' :'''Max''': ''I am.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enrique''': Sorry, I'm late. :'''Emmy''' and '''Max''': Huh? :'''Enrique''': ''[speaks in Spanish]'' ''Sorry.'' I didn't mean to knock down your card house. :'''Emmy''': That's okay, Enrique. :'''Max''': Yeah, we we're just practicing for the big house of cards we're gonna build in Dragon Land. ===''The Big Race'' [3.05b]=== ===''Max Loves a Train'' [3.06b]=== :'''Max''': All aboooooard!!! Choooooooo, Choooooooo!!! Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga! :'''Enrique''': Wow, Max. What a cool model train set from hobby lobby! :'''Emmy''': [imitating engine's wheels & whistles as a steam train] Choo, choo, choo, choo, Woo-woo! Max loves steam engine trains going down by the station, Enrique. :'''Max''': Yeah, and today, we get to ride the Dragon Land Express. Chug, chug, Whoo, whoo, Off we go! :'''Enrique''': I know. I can't wait about pufferbellies. A Pufferbelly is a big old train with a steam engine. Choo-choo-choo-choo. :'''Emmy''': [giggles then she have a great idea to wear bandannas, engineer caps, and gloves, to Enrique and Max for help in pretend play] Should we sing "Down by the Station"? :'''Max and Enrique''': [nods their heads in agreement, smiley] Yes! We agreed! We agreed! Choo-choo!! :'''Emmy''': [giggles] OK. [making train sounds] Chug, chug, toot, toot Go To The DragonLand! [They puts both hands on her shoulders] All aboard! Puff, puff, woo, woo, Let's go for Ride! [she imitating train noise from the down by the station song] Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! :'''Emmy, Max and Enrique''': [chugging with the dragon scale as a train, puffing out smoke with the tune of the song makes the dragons on the wall come to life and made the magic tunnel and the very railroad whistle sounds on the magic buffers] Down by the station, Early in the morning, See the little pufferbellies, All in a row. See the stationmaster, Turn the little handle. Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! ===''Prince for a Day'' [3.10a]=== :'''Enrique''': How are you two going to decide whose turn it is to clean up? :'''Emmy and Max''': I know! Rock. Paper. Scissors! ''[they both do scissors]'' Rock. Paper. Scissors! ''[they both do rock]'' ===''So Long Solo'' [3.10b]=== :''[After Wheezie's sheet music has sunken into a pond]'' :'''Zak''': Oh, Wheezie, it's all my fault! I guess I wasn't holding the music tight enough. :'''Wheezie''': It was an accident, Zak. It's okay. I know that there'll be other shows next year. :'''Zak''': Can't you play a different song? You know hundreds. :'''Wheezie''': I didn't bring any other music. :'''Zak''': Well, if you're not gonna perform, then I'm not gonna perform. :'''Wheezie''': Don't say that! You worked hard on your juggle gym, and I want you to show it off. :'''Zak''': ''[smiling]'' Really? :'''Wheezie''': ''[also smiling]'' Yeah! :''[At that moment, their badges start glowing.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Zak, look, our dragon badge! :'''Zak''': Ha, it's glowing! :'''Wheezie''': We must have really learned to... :'''Zak''': ...work together! :'''Wheezie''': Aw, Zaky! ===''Feliz Cumpleanos, Enrique'' [3.12a]=== :'''Dragons''': '''SURPRISE!''' :'''Enrique''': This is all for me? :'''Wheezie''': Absolutely... Happy birthday! :''[Everyone it celebrates happily and laughing]'' :'''Quetzal''': ''Feliz cumpleaños, Enrique.'' :'''Enrique''': ''Gracias,'' Quetzal. ''Gracias,'' everybody! :'''Quetzal''': I must go back to preparing tomorrow's lesson. Enjoy your party, niños! :'''Everybody''': See you! Bye-bye! :'''Cassie''': Will you help me pass these out, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, noisemakers, my favorite! :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' No surprise there. :''[They all play the noisemakers and march with them, however stop when Enrique gets sad.]'' :'''Ord''': What's the matter, Enrique? Did your blower stop working? :'''Enrique''': No... These remind me of the tiny whistles we used to hide in the frosting of birthday cakes back in Colombia. :'''Emmy''': Why did you do that? :'''Enrique''': ''[laughting]'' Because it was so much fun to pull them out and lick the gooey frosting off the whistles. :''[Everyone laughs less Zak]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Sounds messy to me! :'''Enrique''': Hey! Is that a ''piñata''? :'''Cassie''': Well, it does kind of look like one. :'''Ord''': But we use it to play another really fun birthday game. :'''Max and Ord''': Pin the badge on the dragon. :'''Cassie''': Each of us gets one of these! :'''Max''': And you have to try to put it on the dragon's neck. :'''Ord''': Like a dragon badge! :'''Zak''': But the trick is you have to do it all... ''[takes out of his pouch a bandage]'' :'''Wheezie''': Blindfolded...! :'''Emmy''': Whoever gets the closest is the winner. :'''Max''': Wanna play? :'''Enrique''': Sure! :'''Ord''': Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go first, uh? :'''Cassie''': It's a Enrique's birthday award, maybe he should be the first. :'''Enrique''': That's okay, Cassie, you can go first, Ord... :'''Ord''': Oh, goody... Thanks, Enrique. :'''Wheezie''': Ready-freddy? :''[Zak and Wheezie blindfold Ord and spin him around]'' :'''Emmy''': '''COME ON, ORD...!''' :''[Everyone is encourage for Ord]'' :'''Zak''': '''ALL RIGHT, ORD! KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING!''' :''[Ord places the badge on the dragon's foot]'' :'''Ord''': How I do? How I do? :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' Now the dragon badge is a dragon shoe... :''[Ord laugh]'' :'''Emmy''': Now it's your turn, Enrique... :''[Ord blindfold Enrique and takes him away from the dragon, everyone is encourage for Enrique, he place the badge in the belly of the dragon and the blindfold is lifted.]'' :'''Ord''': ''[laughing]'' Wow! :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' Now it's a belly badge... :''[Enrique laughs]'' :''[Next scene shows the group in the party wearing party hats and drinking juice from boxes. Cassie observes Enrique feeling sad again.]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[worried]'' Don't you like your party, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': ''Claro que sí'', Cassie... It's really nice of everyone to do all this for me. It's just that... I'm actually feeling kind of sad! :'''Ord''': Sad? On your birthday? :'''Wheezie''': See? I told you we should have blown up more balloons... :'''Zak''': It's not my fault I don't have as much hot air as you...! :'''Enrique''': Zak, Wheezie, the balloons are ''fantásticas''. I guess it's just... I miss the parties we used to have back in Colombia. ''[he sits sadly on a rock and his friends approach him]'' :'''Cassie''': Hmmmmmm... What do you miss about those parties, Enrique? :'''Emmy''': Because maybe talking about what you miss will help you not feel so sad. :'''Enrique''': Well... My friends and family would get together and we'd celebrate, with music and games and all kinds of food. :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, like a ''fiesta''! ''Fiestas'' are so festive! :'''Enrique''': Sometimes we play the stereo and the grown-ups would hand out instruments, like ''güiros'' and ''maracas'', and we dance along with the music. :''[His friends look at him listening with interest]'' :'''Enrique''': ''[sad again]'' Ah... I sure missed those parties. :'''Zak''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': If you're thinking what I'm thinking, Zaky... :'''Cassie''': I'm thinking it too? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Ord''': What's everyone thinking, Max? :'''Emmy''': That we can make music the way they did it Enrique's parties. :'''Wheezie''': Something like this? ''[play music like a xylophone on their scales with Zak]'' :'''Enrique''': That's great, Wheezie! :''[Everyone starts dancing]'' :'''Enrique''': All we need now are some ''maracas'' and it'll be just like back home. :'''Zak''': Got any ''maracas'' and that messy pouch of yours, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': Let's see! Hmmmmm... No... Oh! Been looking for that... ''[reaches into his pouch and pulls out a umbrella without fabric, a boot, an accordion and throws them into the air]'' Ah... Oh... No maracas. :'''Emmy''': Maybe we can make some. :'''Cassie''': That's a great idea, Emmy... :'''Max''': Yeah! ''[he scratches the head]'' Huh... How are we gonna do that? :'''Ord''': I know... ''[goes to some trees and collects five seed pods, returns and pours the seeds into his hand]'' :'''?''':What's that? :'''Ord''': Dragon pods seeds make a really shaky sound when they're inside my pouch just like ''maracas''. ''[put the seeds in his pouch and makes it sound]'' :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' We can't all shake your pouch, Ord... :'''Ord''': Oh, right. ''[laugh]'' :''[Everyone laughs and Wheezie drink his juice from box]'' :'''Enrique''': How about if we put the seeds inside the empty juice boxes and shake them? :'''Everyone''': '''YEAH! GREAT!''' :''[Everyone finishes drinking their juice boxes, Ord takes the seeds out of his pouch and places them in the juice boxes]'' :'''Max''': It works! Listen to this! ''[shaking his juice box]'' :'''Ord''': That's great, Max, sounds is good as my pouch! :'''Wheezie''': All right, everybody, let's ''ma-rraca'' and roll! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': And the ''uno'' and the ''dos''! :''[They both play the tune on their scales again while the others rattle their juice box maracas and dance happily to the music.]'' :'''Everyone''': '''ALL RIGHT, ZAK AND WHEEZIE! YEAH! ALL RIGHT!''' ''[laugh]'' :'''Max''': That sounded really cool! :'''Cassie''': I love played the ''maracas''... :'''Everyone''': '''YES!''' :''[Emmy laugh]'' :'''Enrique''': Me too! It reminds me of my family and friends in Colombia. Hmmm... ''[becomes sad again]'' :'''Ord''': Are you starting to feel sad again, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': A little... :''[His friends looks worried]'' :'''Wheezie''': Well then, how's about we whip up some more ''fiesta'' fun? We can do the Dragonland Conga! :'''Zak''': What do you say, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': It sounds great but... Maybe later. ''[walks away sadly under the worried gaze of his friends and Cassie runs to him]'' :'''Cassie''': Enrique, sometimes when I feel sad, I go talk with Quetzal. He helps me figure out my feelings. :'''Enrique''': Maybe I should. :''[Changes at the school in the sky]'' :'''Enrique''': A-ah... And everybody's trying so hard to make me a nice party, a-ah... And I really appreciate it... And I really want to have fun... a-ah... And make the sad feeling go away, but it keeps coming back. :'''Quetzal''': I understand, Enrique. I too sometimes feel sad. :'''Enrique''': You do? :'''Quetzal''': Sí, Enrique, and sometimes when I'm feeling especially sad. It seems as if there is only one thing that I want to do. :'''Enrique''': What's that? :'''Quetzal''': Cry... Perhaps that is the way you feel right now. :'''Enrique''': I always heard that boys... They don't... They're not supposed to... :'''Quetzal''': Ahhhhhhh... They are not supposed to cry because it is not ''macho''. :'''Enrique''': ''Sí''. :'''Quetzal''': There is no shame in crying, Enrique. Trust me, in can be a find way to let the sadness out. :''[Enrique and Quetzal hug each other and he starts crying, after a while then Enrique leaves school more calm down]'' :'''Everyone''': '''HI, ENRIQUE!''' :'''Enrique''': ''Hola'', everyone. :'''Ord''': Are you okay, Enrique? You look like you've been crying. :'''Enrique''': ''Sí'', but it's okay. Quetzal told me crying helps let the sadness out, and he was right. :''[His friends nod their heads]'' :'''Emmy''': You do seem happier now, Enrique... :'''Enrique''': ''Sí'', Emmy. I still feel a little sad, but mostly I feel like it's my birthday and I want to have fun! :'''Everyone''': ''[celebrating]'' '''GOOD!''' :'''Enrique''': So if you still want to, maybe we could do the Dragonland Conga? :'''Everyone''': ''[celebrating]'' '''YEAH! WOO-HOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Everyone''': ''[dancing]'' ♪ Feliz cumpleaños... ♪ ''[3 times]'' :'''Enrique''': I don't feel sad anymore, Quetzal! :'''Quetzal''': ''¡Que bueno, Enrique!'' :''[Everyone laughs celebrating and dancing]'' :'''Max, Emmy and Enrique''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. ''[Then disappear and appear back in the playroom]'' :'''Enrique''': ''Muchas gracias por todo'', Max and Emmy. :'''Emmy''': You're welcome, Enrique... :'''Max''': ''De nada...'' :'''Enrique''': You know, my ''papá'' said derby birthday cake when he got home from work... You want to come over? :'''Emmy''': Cake? :'''Max''': '''YEAH!''' :'''Emmy''': Are there gonna be tiny whistles in the frosty? :'''Enrique''': You bet! :'''Max''': I want to lick the frosting off! :'''Enrique''': Me too! :'''Emmy''': Me three! ===''Moving On'' [3.16a]=== :'''Emmy''': Hey, the dragon scale is glowing. :'''Max''': They need us in Dragon Land. ===''Something's Missing'' [3.24b]=== :'''Max''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I can't wait to see if there's a letter from Emmy, then Mom can read it to me. And I really can't wait till Emmy gets my letter. ===''Hello, Ms. Tipps'' [3.26b]=== ===''Just the Two of Us'' [3.29a]=== :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': All right, Zak and Wheezie... :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': You can open your eyes now... :'''Wheezie''': Ooh! I love surprises, they're so... '''SURPRISING...!''' :'''Zak''': What is it? :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': It's my dragon links building kit. I played with it when I was a little dragon. :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': We know how hard it is to play outside when Polly is tuning her weather machine. So we thought they would have fun playing with it now. :'''Wheezie''': Looooove it! Let's make a sculpture, a work of art! <hr width="80%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Who wants to go swimming? :'''Max''': Swimming? But... I've never seen a dragon links building kit before. :'''Wheezie''': Ohhhhh... ''[stroking his head]'' Who wants to be cooped up on a beautiful day like today, right, Zak? :'''Zak''': Huh?... Oh... All right! Let's play while the sun... i-i-is out! <hr width="80%"/> :'''Emmy''': So... Wheezie, what's your mom and dad's dragon links building kit look like? :'''Wheezie''': Well, it got lots of pieces you put together to make... ''[Zak covers his snout]'' :'''Zak''': Nothing. :'''Wheezie''': ''[while Zak gets angry]'' What? Oh! Yeah, nothing. Hey! '''LOOK, IT'S... A SNOWSTORM...!''' <hr width="80%"/> :'''Wheezie''': '''HOLD IT STEADY, ZAK...!''' :'''Zak''': '''I'M TRYING!''' But it's too heavy to hold up all by myself. ''[the pieces fall to the floor]'' We could use Ord's muscles. :'''Wheezie''': ''[smile]'' What if we asked Ord to help us? :'''Zak''': Okay, but only Ord. Everybody else can only see it when we're done. ===''Cowboy Max'' [3.29b]=== '''YEE-HAW!''' ===''Flip Flop'' [3.30a]=== :'''Max''': Hey! Zak is acting like Wheezie! :'''Ord''': And Wheezie is acting like Zak. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': We are? '''WE ARE!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''OOOOOH!''' :'''Zak''': '''AHHHHHHHHH!''' :'''Cassie''': Maybe Quetzal will know why this is hapenning. <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Let's get's over with. :'''Zak''': Oh, oh, oh!... Wait!... I want to hold it. :'''Wheezie''': It doesn't matter who holds it. :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' You held it last time! <hr width="40%"/> :'''Zak''': Now we can make a wish to flip-flop back. '''HOOOOORAY...!''' ''[he flies away with Wheezie, they do two somersaults and fall to the ground]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... :'''Emmy''': Wheezie, are you okay? :'''Max''': You're that funny color that Zak turns when you do somersaults. :'''Wheezie''': Oh, gee, Zak, is this how you feel when I make us do somersaults? :'''Zak''': If you mean all dizzy-wizzy in your head and icky-sicky in our stomach, yes... :'''Wheezie''': Oh, I'm sorry, Zaky, I didn't know it made you feel so bad. <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': There's no one else here! This is hopeless. Zaaak... We already looked in the dailing flowers... :'''Zak''': See what I made? :'''Wheezie''': Why are you acting so silly when we have something important to do? :'''Zak''': Ooh... Can't we have fun at the same time...? :'''Ord''': Usually Zak is the one who gets upset because Wheezie acting silly... :'''Zak''': Wheezie, when you act silly sometimes, aren't you just trying to make the job fun? :'''Wheezie''': Huh, just like you're doing now. :'''Zak''': '''OHHHHHHH!''' ''[laugh]'' <hr width="40%"/> :'''Zak''': '''FOLLOW THAT STATUE!''' <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Woo-hoo! I feel the tickle-lickle, that beautiful statue must have granted our wish... :'''Quetzal''': So, Zak, how do you feel being back to your old self? :'''Zak''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Zak''': Hey, I can be silly too... :''[Everyone laugh]'' ==Cast== * [[w:Andrea Libman|Andrea Libman]] as Emmy * Danny McKinnon as Max * Aida Ortega as Enrique * [[w:Chantal Strand|Chantal Strand]] as Cassie * [[w:Ty Olsson|Ty Olsson]] as Ord * Jason Michas as Zak * [[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]] as Wheezie ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Dragon Tales}} [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dragons]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] 4tclb4c0j2n7i7n7erdpdjhdj11m102 3944548 3944547 2026-05-23T17:46:49Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944548 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dragon Tales|Dragon Tales]]''''' (1999–2005) is a English-French language American-Canadian-Quebecois 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation (Pilot) (1999 (un-produced/un-aired))/(Season 1) (1999-2000)/digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation (Seasons 2-3) (2001-2005))) educational fantasy children's television series in which two human siblings named Emmy, who was a 7-year old girl, and her younger brother named Max, who was a 5-year old boy, and later their new next-door neighbor named Enrique, who was a 8-year old boy, who was first appeared in Season 3, go on adventures in a magical land of dragons of three types, which are earth, winged and horned. The show was produced by the Children's Television Workshop (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Sesame Workshop (Seasons 2-3) (2001-2005), and Columbia TriStar Television (Seasons 1-2) (1999-2002)/Sony Pictures Television (Season 3) (2005), and distributed by Columbia TriStar Television Distribution (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Columbia TriStar Domestic Television (Season 2) (2001-2002)/Sony Pictures Television (Season 3) (2005), and was un-aired on broadcast syndication (regional syndication (first-run syndication)/public broadcasting syndication) (Pilot) (1999), and PBS (PTV/PTV Park) (Pilot) (1999) in English, in the United States, and CBC Television (CBC Playground) (Pilot) (1999) in English, in Canada, and Radio-Canada Television (Pilot) (1999) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, for the un-aired 24-minute pilot episode (un-aired two 12-minute pilot segments), called ''One Small Step for Cassie'', which was the first pilot segment, and ''Circle of Friends'', which was the second pilot segment, until the show was later aired on PBS (PBS Kids) (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) in English, in the United States, and CBC Television (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) (CBC Playground (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Get Set for Life (Season 2) (2001-2002)/Kids' CBC (Season 3) (2005)) in English, in Canada, and Radio-Canada Television (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and was un-produced in mid-1999, for the un-aired 26-minute pilot episode (un-aired two 12-minute pilot segments), called ''One Small Step for Cassie'', which was the first pilot segment, and ''Circle of Friends'', which was the second pilot segment, until the show was later debuted on September 6, 1999, and ended on April 11, 2005. The show was aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school children, and from ages 5 to 8. ==Season 1 (1999-2000)== ===''To Fly with Dragons'' [1.1a]=== ===''The Forest of Darkness'' [1.1b]=== :'''Mom''': Emmy, Max, everything all right up here?'' :'''Emmy''': Yeah, Mom. We were just coloring. There. Look what I did. :'''Max''': Whoa. This looks just like Cassie. :'''Emmy''': Maybe it's because it was Cassie. And I'm gonna give it to her as a gift. :'''Max''': Were you going to Dragon Land? Yeah. Me too. Because I got a great surprise for Ord. And he's gonna like it. :'''Emmy''': What is that? :'''Max''': It's bubble gum. And I've only been chewing it one time. Hey. Maybe we should get something for Zak, and Wheezie. :'''Emmy''': I know. Maybe we should let them borrow our harmonicas. So, come on. Max, Let's just go to Dragon Land. ===''To Kingdom Come'' [1.2a]=== :'''Emmy''': If you'd shared the Wish Shell in the first place, Ord, we definitely wouldn't be in this mess! <hr width="55%"/> :''[Ord breaks off a tiny piece of his cupcake and offers it to Monsieur Marmadune, however is not enough.]'' :'''Monsieur Marmadune''': This was sharing? :'''Ord''': ''[breaks off a larger piece of his cupcake]'' This much? :'''Max''': More... :'''Ord''': ''[breaks another piece again]'' This much? :'''Max''': More... :'''Ord''': ''[depressed]'' Oh... this was so hard! ''[until ultimately divide his cupcake in half and offers it to Monsieur Marmadune]'' <hr width="55%"/> :'''Ord''': Hey look, my dragon badge is shining! I did it, I shared! ===''Good-bye, Little Caterpoozle!'' [1.2b]=== *''[When Emmy, Max, Ord, Cassie, Zak, and Wheezie saw Poozie, the caterpoozle, inside a silk sack --called a [[w:chrysalis|chrysalis]]-- and is sleeping inside it.]'' *'''Cassie''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, she is dead! ''[cries]'' Oh, Poozie! ===''Knot a Problem'' [1.3a]=== ===''Ord's Unhappy Birthday'' [1.3b]=== :''[The episode starts out in the playroom where Max and Emmy are wrapping presents. Emmy’s is all wrapped up quick and angrily-ish while Max’s is rather wrinkled and uneven.]'' :'''Max''': Look Emmy! I'm done wrapping my birthday present for Ord. Neat, huh? :''[Max holds up his present, but the ribbon unravels and falls off.]'' :'''Emmy''': [unsure] I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, Max! :''[Max struggles to tie the ribbon back on. Emmy refuse to help.]'' :'''Emmy''': No time, no time, no time! For a very important date. No time to make a bow for you. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late. :'''Max''': Now, this is curious. It must be awfully important, like a party or something. :''[Max puts his left index finger on the knot while Emmy ties the bow. But it ends up being so tight, Max's finger gets stuck in the ribbon.]'' :'''Max''': Hey! My finger’s stuck! :'''Emmy''': [with voice raised and sounding genuinely annoyed] Come on, Max, there is no time to help Cassie! This no time to get ready for Ord's surprise birthday party! :''[Max and Emmy hold the scale and start saying their lately wish.]'' :'''Max and Emmy''': I'm late, I'm late, I'm late with all my very important heart. No time to fly with dragons in a land apart. :''[The dragons on the wall come to life and circle around the kids flying faster and faster until they disappear in a bright light and soon they arrive in DragonLand.]'' :'''Emmy''': We're late! This is the perfect rush to Cassie!! :'''Max''': I'm late!!! :''[Max grabs her wrist and they're running to the dragon tail waving behind a tree but is blue, not pink.]'' :'''Max''': Cassie! I'm late, I'm late.... :''[The figure that comes out from behind the tree is, in fact, a door banging and pounding]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily whispering, hissing irritated, quietly]'' '''SHHH!!''' Quiet, Max! Don't say such things to King Ord! Hide your present! :''[Emmy swipes her gift behind her back and Max tries to hide his but his finger is still stuck on the bow. Ord approaches the kids and he bows down.]'' :'''Ord''': Max, Emmy, I'm ruler of my birthday! Look what mom and dad got me! ''[shows them a pencil with a feathery end and he draws a little tic-tac-toe grid in midair]'' :'''Ord''': It draws on anything, how much greater I'd be! What a king! I'd be ruler of all that I see! Oh, you wanna bark orders? :'''Max''': Leave me alone! :'''Emmy''': We are not friends! :''[Suddenly, Ord Gets Growling In Frustration At The Angry Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst]'' '''YOU KNOW WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [thunders angrily] '''OH REALLY, ORD, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! IT ISN'T FAIR! IT IS, IN FACT, A COMPLETE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE!!!''' We're angry with you, Your Majesty. I'm serious! Today's your birthday! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''Ord''': No! You're just not looking hard enough! I don't wanna play! :''[Max is angry without say yes, he remembered...]'' :'''Max''': You can't. No time to meet Cassie, I will NEVER seen you again and leave me alone forever. :'''Emmy''': ''[interrupting]'' I'm upset! :'''Ord''': Louder! :'''Emmy''': [loud] I'm upset! :'''Ord''': '''LOUDER!''' :'''Emmy''': [louder] '''I'M UPSET!''' :'''Ord''': [shouting to enraged] '''SILENCE!! For the final TIME, SAY IT LOUDER!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [turns red in anger, furiously growls] '''I'M UPSET!!! I SAID "STOP IT"!!! I'M REALLY TIRED OF YOU!!!''' I’m never let you again! Never, Never, NEVER letting mention that being such a bully, and you didn't do anything that’s mine ever having a picnic without Cassie! :'''Ord''': (growls angry as well) Well, Today's my very favorite day of the year, than you would be better off without me, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! :'''Emmy''': (angrily) I'm late!! I'm very late!!! Now I won't want my help tomorrow anymore to get out of here and you're going our separate ways forever is much too braggy as bossy king! So, this is no fun to be boss around your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight with you, King Ord! Now get out, or you're '''FIRED!! I! GIVE!! UP!!!''' :'''Ord''': (enraged with angriest) '''I'M KING!!! I WILL NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!!''' :'''Max''': '''YOU ARE FIRED!! I want you to get out, NOOW! and that's an order!!!''' :'''Ord''': [angrily shouts] '''I'M KING TO COMMAND YOU, SILENCE!!!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': '''STOP IT!!!''' :'''Ord''': (Turns red) '''YOU'RE FIRED!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [wailing angrily] '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!''' [Turns Red With Anger, Growls Furiously And Angrily Fed Up] '''GRRRARRGH!''' I’m done with you without your birthday! '''I'LL SMASH YOUR BIRTHDAY AWAY!!! THAT BOSSY KING IS STUPID ANYWAY!!!''' :'''Ord''': '''YOUR HEIRS!!!''' :'''Max''': '''LEAVE!!!''' :'''Ord''': [angry, raising an eyebrow] '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': [furiously pointing] '''OUT!''' :'''Ord''': [snaps] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': ''[they're angrily pushing Ord and furiously slams the door, leaving Ord all alone, pointing once more]'' '''OUT!''' :'''Ord''': [starts growls madly] That's it, I am the ruler of all that I'm leaving!!! [storms off furiously at a huff] :''[The kids later arrived angrily & lately at the treehouse.]'' :'''Max''': ''[firmly whispering]'' I'll never join the secret knock! :''[Angry, Emmy shakes her fist in rages out a series of gasps, which get more tense by shoves into his mouth, hearing banging & pounding on the door many times and makes them growling. The door opens, furiously revealing Cassie.]'' :'''Cassie''': Shh, Calm down, Max! calm down, Emmy! Shush, shush! You must be upset. Are you upset?! I thought you were Ord. :'''Max''': [sadly] No, this was Ord's fault with a mix up with psychical violence blame. Look, King Ord’s too angry about being bossy birthday in the meadow. :''[Max and Emmy head inside while Cassie gets a little worried that Ord might have followed them.]'' :'''Cassie''': What's wrong with you, Emmy? Come on. :'''Emmy''': [growls] I don't want to hear about ord. We had too frustrated when he's way too bossy. :'''Max''': [glares] Of course you're so late! I don't understand make him bossy traitor!? If you do, you're fired at military school! :'''Cassie''': Just chill out, chill out. I bet he couldn’t play with the bossiness of King Ord, who's willing to barked orders until we surprise him. So don't say a word 'til you two can help me blow up the balloons. :''[Cassie hands Max and Emmy grabs a balloon angrily. Max tries inflate one up but release and comes out flying. Max then wobbles around holding his head.]'' :'''Max''': Wow! I’m dizzy. :'''Cassie''': Don’t worry, Max. I’ll blow them up. :''[Cassie blows up a balloon herself.]'' :'''Max''': Hey, That's insane! :''[Emmy swipes Max the balloons.]'' :'''Emmy''': You have done that to me too many times, Max. I will not stand for what you did! You're fired! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!''' :'''Max''': [angry] Go Away, Em! :''[She furiously storms off without helping Max as he holding three balloons, a green and pointy one with yellow spots, and lavender one shaped like a star and a pink one with a smiley face on it, to whom Max sticks his tongue out and laugh.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :'''Zak''': Ord! What's the matter with you, Your Majesty? :'''Wheezie''': Why are you angry, Your Majesty? :'''Ord''': (ragingly) You hush up your mouth, Go away and no right to talk to leave me alone, and I wish I'd never been born!!! :'''Zak''': Do you hear that? :'''Wheezie''': Really? ''[Looks to the ones on top of their heads.]'' Oh, those hats. Those aren’t party hats. They're uh... umm... :'''Zak''': Rain-hats. Only it's not raining. Guess we don’t need them, Wheezie. <hr width="90%"/>:''[Just then his royal banging and a pounding is heard on the door.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[whispering]'' Is he coming this way?! :'''Sid Sycamore''': ''[whispering]'' That wasn’t the secret knock. It’s King Ord! He rudes everything! :''[Everyone gasps & scrambles to hide everything very quickly. Zak and Wheezie take the pizza, Max puts away the party hats, and Emmy swipes the balloons and hands them to Sid Sycamore without taking.]'' :'''Sid Sycamore''': [warns her] Emmy, no swiping! Emmy, no swiping! Emmy, no swiping! :'''Emmy''': [madder] Sid, You're fired! I'm too angry! '''YOU ARE FIRED!!''' :'''Sid Sycamore''': [angrily scolding] It's too late, you're a crook... [furiously] You're a '''CHEAT''' and a '''SWINDLER...!''' '''THAT'S''' it! I will never seen you again or you're fired!! [lividly] '''YOU'RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [screamed furiously] '''I SAID "YOU ARE FIRED"!! THAT'S IT, SID!!''' :''[Meanwhile they hand the rest of the stuff to Zak and Wheezie.]'' :'''Zak''': Where are you gonna put that? :''[Wheezie ultimately decides to put the stuff in their pouch.]'' :'''Zak''': Ew! That feels gross! :''[All that was left was the tablecloth which they remove as Ord slams the door open.]'' :'''Ord''': [snaps] I’m very annoyed with you, Emmy! I'm king, and I wish I'd never been born!! :''[Inside the gang snarl on the floor with a puzzle.]'' :'''Emmy''': [angrily scolds very pissed] You're bossy, King Ord! I'm very angry with you! This is your last warning! It's a complete disaster when enough is enough!! You did not just say that, '''You did not just say that!!!!''' :'''Ord''': [getting angry] '''I did just say it! I said, I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm bossy and annoyed without doing anything and I'm king, and you look annoyed all the time without some help, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! ''[dragon glares in the room.]'' You don't think I'm too bossy, do you? :'''Zak''': '''LIAR!''' We decided not to have the picnic. :'''Wheezie''': I'm afraid you are. Putting together a puzzle isn't fun anymore. :'''Ord''': [mad] I don't want to play puzzles! I'm the bossy king! I'm the king of a moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza! Nobody's gonna leave this treehouse until I wish I'd never been born!! :'''Emmy''': [losing control of her outrage] Go away, King Ord! You lost a moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza if I'm saying bossy to you! If you're way too bossy what word I'm not supposed to say, It's too bossy, I'm disappointed. I am very disappointed.... :'''Ord''': [growling ragingly yells] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEEEEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [angrily screams] '''NAH-UH! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE! I WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND QUIT IT!!!!!''' :''[Emmy Slaps His Forehead. Zak Slaps His As Well, Wheezie Hits In His Face. This Challenge Erupted Into A Violence Argument Of Fury Angry Fight With Powers]'' K.D. Lang: [Overlapping while singing] Join Timon and Pumbaa cow! :'''Max''': I'm feeling very angry right now without help, King Ord!!! :'''Ord''': '''SILENCE!!! YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD!!!!!''' Forget it!! I said, "I wish I'd never been born!!!" I am the boss of the ruler to leave me alone!!! :'''Max''': [sternly] That's it! See if I'll leave you alone!! :''[Bossy King Ord storms to the school and incredibly pissed off at him for all of the hurtful birthday and inside he finds Quetzal wrapping a gift neatly.]'' :'''Ord''': You're just a show-off, Mr. Quetzal! Never, ever mention '''THAT''' name in my presence! '''I AM THE BOSSY *KING*!!!''' :'''Quetzal''': Oh, Yes, Sire, you look bossy, King Ord. I was extraordinarily busy... You’re so cranky. You actually went and did it to illustrate the differences in your royal managerial approaches. :'''Ord''': [coldly] Not the others seem to think they're waste time. ''[without notices the gift.]'' [angrily] I'm the boss. I scolded at her, Because she broke the rules! I'm king of the birthday parties! :'''Quetzal''': Temper! Temper! Your Majesty, please... I don't like to complain, But A very good friend of mine, We didn't see any rules. :''[Ord goes back to being angrily glare.]'' :'''Quetzal''': What’s the matter? I know you're angry about your birthday without friends and you're refuse to be gone. What’s wrong? :'''Ord''': [raging furiously blows up, screams in frustration, angrily yells with sobbing] This is the stupidest time to me a favor and the "worstest" rule, I'm the king of the panic! I'm the frustrated king! I'm the bossy king because I'm the king of my birthday, and I'm the king of special day, but my friends must not like me anymore because they don't want to play with 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void IF - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy! And Cassie didn't invite me to her picnic, and then everyone's beginning to believe I'll never see my "et cetera, et cetera... "Fax mentis, incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera... "Memo bis punitor delicatum!!" It's out of the control without decided to make a puzzle instead of a picnic! I am the king! I can do whatever I could even push one piece together, they '''STOMPED''' on the floor, which now has to be pushed me away, because I'm the king of my birthday! And I'm the king of a grouchy girl sometimes... I'm the bossy king, and think I'm king! they're gonna mess it up for my birthday and it's all your fault, and then before I will be able to our army, would still be alive, it's your fault she's mad!! And now I don't have a happy birthday without looking hard enough to see some stupid royal birthday, and I wish I'd never been born!!! [walks off in a huff] :'''Quetzal''': Oh..., Outrageous! I know you've already just feeling very angry, Ord, yelled by a grouchy girl, It's not your fault and we say something very special to each other. :'''Ord''': [he ragefully stomps, firmly fuming] Why bother? I'm king of stupid to understand anyway! I hadn't shown up even dragons celebrate my birthday in the first place, maybe I don't have to worry everything that was important to me! There's nothing, no, NOTHING, that's grouchy than me, and I wish I'd never been born!! I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born! :'''Quetzal''': ''[checks his pocket watch]'' Chill out, Ord! Every year, I know what to do to make you feel better. :'''Ord''': [sarcastically] Aw, forget it! I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born! I wish I'd never been born! I said, "I wish I'd never been born!!" There, I said it again! '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!''' :'''Quetzal''': [calmly] I know you aren't. So, come with me. :''[Ord and Quetzal go over to the treehouse where the others are watching by the window and all arguing, shouting, and they started kicking and laugh.]'' :'''Ord''': I'm the mad king, I'm the mad king! I'm the really, really, really mad king, Quetzal, I cannot let you put our family if they don't want to play with me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!! :'''Quetzal''': Oh, I see if you are mad. Courage, Ord. Go up there and tell them what you told me. :'''Ord''': Are you sure if I'm not mad?. :'''Quetzal''': Si. :'''Ord''': Okay. I love too. :''[Ord goes up the stairs and he takes one last look toward Quetzal who gives him a nod, before knocking on the door.]'' :'''Cassie''': I’m too busy right now, but we're almost done. :'''Ord''': It's me, King Ord! And I'm too bossy and frustrated 'cause I'm ruler of my birthday but no one wants me around. And I don't want to be your friend anymore! I don't want to be your friend anymore at all! :'''Cassie''': Hey, You're so bossy. :'''Ord''': Yes, you did! You did!!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! It's your fault because you were going our separate ways forever. So, this is… This is your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight to stomp to you when I'm bossy!! :'''Cassie''': Okay, Don't be mad. Guess what? You can come in now. :'''Ord''': [anger turns to thrilled to apologizes about being difficult being frivolous things at the wrong time.] Really? I just wanted to apologize because sometimes I was me too bossy. :'''Emmy''': Aww, that's okay, You can knock gently on the door but don't banging and pounding hard. Go ahead, Ord. :'''Ord''': Oh, Sure. :''[Ord throws the royal crown and the royal cape away, Knocking gently, opens the door and is surprised with excitement.]'' :'''All:''' '''SSUURRPPRIIISSSEE!!!''' ''[everyone claps and cheers, celebrates happily and laughing]'' '''HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ORD!''' :'''Ord''': You like me! You really like me! :''[Max runs up to Ord and hugs him]'' :'''Max''': Of course we do, Ord. You're our biggest, bestest friend of all. :'''Emmy''': I’m so glad it’s you. I'm sorry I was just felt so mad when i yelled at you. It's just that... because I just didn't want you to find out and I'll try to not be bossy about the surprise party. :'''Ord''': Wow. Well, I was really surprised! :''[Wheezie lights the candle with her fire breath]'' :'''Wheezie''': Come on, Ord. Make a wish and blow out the candle. :'''Ord''': Okay, here we go! :''[Ord uses wind power to blow it out and everyone applauds]'' :'''Max''': All right, Hooray for you, Ord. :''[All clapping and cheering]'' :'''Emmy''': Good one. :''[Quetzal walks around with a knife in his hand and starts cutting the cake]'' :'''Ord''': ''[with his mouth full]'' Boy! This is the really best birthday I've ever marvelous me! For I am the good ruler of all that I see! [the dragons cheered and dance happily to the music.] :'''Everyone''': '''ALL RIGHT, ZAK AND WHEEZIE! YEAH! ALL RIGHT, ORD!''' [laugh] :'''Max''': That sounded really cool! :'''Cassie''': I love played the maracas... :'''Everyone''': '''YES!''' :'''Emmy''': [laugh and celebrating] '''YEAH! WOO-HOO!''' :'''Max and Emmy''': I Love A Surprise to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. ''[Both then disappear and appear back in the playroom]'' :'''Max''': Oooh! My tummy hurts from eating all that cake. :'''Emmy''': Me too. But it sure is a yummy tummyache. :'''Max''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. :'''Emmy''': Guess What, Max? We're Not able to Rush for Ord's Surprise Party. We're Good. :'''Max''': Yeah, I will tell my mom. I want a surprise birthday party this year. :'''Emmy''': I Love a Surprise! But if you know it’s a surprise party, it won’t be a surprise. :''[Max thought about that and realized she’s right, cheering.]'' :'''Max''': Hooray for you, Emmy. Mummy! Emmy has something to ask you! :''[Max heads out the door while Emmy just smiles her head, reliefing.]'' ===''Tails You Lose'' [1.4a]=== :'''Wheezie''': OH! They're dragons Zak, not snails! :'''Zak''': Slow music is better for the game! :''[Zak and Wheezie argue over whether the dance must be fast or slow.]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': '''IS TOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': '''IS TOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': [Growls Loudly And Then He Violently Begins To Shout At Her] '''I DON'T CARE!!!!! DAMN IT, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE????!!!!!!!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': I'm not engaged! And as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now, well... I'm fine with out! You don't play fair! I will not stand for what you did, and things are out of control! As of this moment, cause you're all '''GROUNDED!! So you LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''Cassie''': [angrily screams in frustration] You're bossy, you jerk! You couldn't wait to come back here and brag, you don't want to be part of the game around while you do dumb things like that!! :'''Emmy''': '''I'D HATE YOU, RULES STINK, LOSING STINKS & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[turns red in anger, furiously growls and angrily comfronts Emmy]'' No! Are you crazy, Emmy? [growls lividly] '''THAT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY,''' since we've finished everything on the list, you’re the one who’s being such a bully! I am the temper drama king! I already filled up this ate it... I have no time for childish bickering with ideas!! Now, I've ruined their lives, and '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''SHUT UP!!! I AM NEVER, EVER PLAYING FREEZE DANCE AGAIN!!! I AM COMMAND YOU TO CUT IT OUT!!! AND IF YOU KEEP BEING SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH TO FIRE YOU!!!''' ''[echoes]'' :'''Cassie''': [Fed Up] '''DON'T YOU DARE!!! I'M NEVER GOING TO PLAY WITH YOU AGAIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN EXPLODE!!!!!?????!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': ''[getting very angry; turns red angrily to cutting dragons off]'' '''CAN, YOU, CUT, A, BIG, FAT, STUPID, UGLY, CLUMSY, LUMP, IT, OUT, ALREADY!?! I'D HATE YOU, MAX!!!''' :'''Max''': [Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst] '''YOU KNOW WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' [With A lot Of Rage, Max's Behavior Got Worse] '''I'm losing a temper, so you become a loser!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! I'D HATE YOU & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': ''[snaps]'' '''I’M VERY ANGRY!!''' :'''Max''': '''YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU, MAX!!!''' :'''Max''': [angrily scolding] '''I’M NOT SPEAKING TO ME EVER AGAIN! AND I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [growls angrily and screams lividly] '''I SAID, "I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU, MAX!!!"''' :'''Max''': '''QUIET!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''You just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, and I'm fed up of telling dragons to go away!!''' :'''Max''': '''OH NO YOU'RE NOT!''' :'''Emmy''': '''IF YOU KEEP BEING SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH YOUR...-''' :'''Ord''': [turns red with angriest and screams at Emmy] '''OH REALLY, EMMY, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!''' :'''Emmy''': '''THAT FREEZE GAME IS STUPID ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Ord''': ''What in the world is going on if you yelled at him?! I've shouting at you and it’s your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to stopped this instant!!! YOU ARE FIRED!!!'' :'''Wheezie''': [scowls] '''GRRRAAAARRGHHHHHH!!!!!! SSSSSTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP IIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Zak''': [angered as throws tantrum] '''STOP YELLING!!!!!''' You, just a show-off, You did not finish this game!!! I’ve had quite enough is enough of your excuses whatever I warning about the new game, bossy girl!!! (And you might already did! In fact, I’m done with you without the next round!! I told you I'm '''NOT''' spending it with you and you're not listening, because, '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''') :'''Emmy''': [lividly shouting of his rage and scolds at dragons] '''STOP IT!!! YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF!!! FREEZE DANCE IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE ALWAYS FIGHT TO COMMAND IS, YOU, ARE, FIRED!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': ''[Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst In Anger, Furiously Growls And Angrily Strikes Out At Emmy, Gets Snapping And Loudly Ticked Off]'' ''' I'M ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'D HATE YOU & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! YOU MAKES ME VERY VERY ANGRY, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ''' :'''Emmy''': [angry] '''SHUT THE FUCK UP!''' :'''Max''': '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [lividly bellowing] '''STOP IT!!!!''' :'''Max''': '''I'M ANGRY!! ''' :'''Emmy''': '''YOU ARE FIRED!!!''' :'''Max''': '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [thunders angrily] '''DON'T YOU DARE!!!''' :'''Max''': [becoming louder angrily] '''I'M A BULLY TO COMMAND TO FIRE YOU!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [gets angrier] '''YOU, ARE, FIRED AND THAT’S FINAL, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [enraged with high pitched, savagely yells loudly] '''I'M NOT GONNA SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I FIRE YOU!!!!!!!''' ''[echoes]'' :'''Emmy''': [angry roars] '''STOP!!!''' :'''Max''': [gets angrier and furious bellow] '''ZIP IT!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [bellows angrily] '''SHUT UP!!!''' :'''Max''': [screaming very loudly; echoing] '''I'M REALLY ANGRY, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I'LL SMASH YOUR A, BIG, FAT, STUPID, UGLY, CLUMSY, ANGRY!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [yelling] '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN FIRED!?!?!?!?!''' :'''Emmy''': '''THAT'S IT!!! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!!!''' :'''Max''': [throws a tantrum, warning yells] '''I SAID "GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN FIRED"!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I AM ANGRY AND DISAPPOINTED, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Max''': [Yells Back At Emmy] '''YOU'RE GROUNDED, EMMY!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [whines, turns red with angriest and enraged with high pitched, savagely screams] '''LIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!! I AM NOT GONNA SPEAK ANY MORE!!! I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [furiously scolds] '''YOU ARE GROUNDED, YOUNG EMMY! GET OUUUUUUUUTTT!''' :'''Emmy''': [Becoming Very Angry] '''I’M ANGRY WHEN YOU YELLED AT ME!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Max''': [gets angrier screams loudly then scowls] '''GRRR...I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [enraged with angriest screams, freaking out] '''GRRR!!! I'LL SMASHING THE WHALE PUPPET WHEN I'M GOING HOME!!! IF YOU LEAVE DRAGONS ALONE, I WISH I HAD SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH YOUR SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!!!''' ''[She throws a furious fist and incredibly pissed off at him for all of the hurtful things she frustratingly stomping the ground repeatedly with storms angrily get blown away; sees in a blind heated outbursts, raging argument, temper tantrum.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily satisfied, then sputters her head in irritating "wrapping up" threateningly makes Max and the dragons argue at each other leads them into a full blown fight in anger]'' I hate, I hate, to fed up this rhyme just go home to bed, becuase it's mine! (echoes) :''[Emmy storms off violently and exits Dragon Land without Max, very pissed]'' :'''Max''': [growls angrily] I'm Really Hate You, Em! I'm very angry with you, dragons!! This is your last warning! You're grounded for complete disaster when enough is enough, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! '''I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' [the dragons scowls into silence as he storms off to the school and inside he finds Quetzal who felt shocked to Max] :'''Quetzal''': Hoh-woah, That's the worst case about the unpleasant game. Huh, Max? :'''Max''': [Being serious by grunts in frustration with a huff] '''PHOOEY ON FIGHTING!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the playroom, Emmy’s angrier starts her anger sulking in sadness and bursts into tears, sobbing like giving up and shakes her fist in rages out of series ideas, which get more tense by flinches lividly her whale puppet, violently stomps on the "Mr. Whale".]'' :'''Emmy''': [angrily yells sobbing louder] I am braggy and bossy, Mr. Whale! You're mad at me! I'm disappointed to you!! ''[then as her whale puppet]'' "'''NOT FAIR!! I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!! IN FACT, A WORST, HORRIBLE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE GAMES, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm all out of '''MONEY FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN, WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm ruined! I'm done! I'm lost everything of their lives, and I wish I'd never been born!! It will be ripped up, I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born, Emmy!! You losing something and I wish I'd never been born again!!!" ''[then as she shoves her whale puppet, she makes despair voice, firmly inhales]'' You did not just say that, you did not just say that, I don't like you! You're grounded for have upset on purpose…it was only an such clumsiness accident! [she hands a tissue to blowing her nose to calming down as normal voice] Really? I've had quite enough of this foolish fighting about lose at that. I’m really sorry. Why, It's not your fault. I'm very sorry for stomping on it, Mr. Whale. What a horrid dragon friends playing Freeze Dance. ''[then as her whale puppet, sniffs]'' "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you, ord and zak are upset about what happened, and I know Ord and Zak was upset about Emmy's temper, but I think we can get a diffrent game. Listen. I'm sorry I ignored you when you've angry at the house. Take a deep breath and put it back together again in time." ''[then back to her normal voice]'' You really think so? ''[Mr. Whale agrees. she took a deep breath and sighs with tearfully to forgiveness smiled]'' I'm sorry I couldn't look like they're have fun. It's gonna be okay... you're gonna see more fun than me anyway… I'm very sorry to disturb you too much but I should go back, just to make sure Max is alright. (Emmy hands Mr. Whale a tissue and the puppet blows nose) Thank you for listening... because I just didn't want you to find out and I'll try to not be bossy, Mr. Whale. ''[Emmy finally calms down by comforting her puppet hug and takes out the dragon scale, smiley]'' OK, here we go. "I wish, I wish, with all my heart ''to fly with dragons'' in a land apart." [This time, the dragons on the wall come to life and circle around her flying faster and faster until she arrive back to the DragonLand and start searching for Angry Max.] ===''Calling Dr. Zak'' [1.4b]=== :'''Emmy''': It's in here somewhere. Got it! :'''Max''': And I got my guitar. ''[imitates guitar]'' :'''Emmy''': Stop fooling around, Max. We have to get to Dragon Land. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Booboogone''': Now, Zak, squeeze! :''[Zak shuts his eyes and squeezes Wheezie's hand as the thorn is removed]'' :'''Zak''': I'm squeezing as hard as I can! I'm still squeezing! When are you going to take the thorn out? :'''Dr. Booboogone''': I already have, Zak. :'''Zak''': ''[shocked]'' Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': I knew Zak and Wheezie were gonna win the dance contest. :'''Max''': They were great. :'''Mom''': ''Max! Emmy!'' :'''Emmy''': What is it, Mom? :'''Mom''': ''I made a doctor's appointment for you both tomorrow. It's time for your checkups.'' :''[Despite a "doctor's appointment" announcement --made by their mother-- Max and Emmy do not mind.]'' :'''Max''': Let's play doctor, Emmy. :'''Emmy''': Okay. ===''Pigment of Your Imagination'' [1.5a]=== :'''Max''': Dandelions. :'''Emmy''': Max, no! ''[Emmy shook his head]'' :'''Ord''': Anything! :[''couching, music playing'' and ''painting cans chatting''] :''[Before going back to the playroom.]'' :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme, to go back home until next time. ===''Zak's Song'' [1.5b]=== :'''Wheezie''': But Do-Re-Mi's are wild birds, they like wild music, i'll show ya...! :'''Zak''': ''[putting it in its place]'' No, Wheezie! This time i'm gonna try it my way. ''[he removes the beak of bird and keep going playing the melody in front of the Do-Re-Mi's]'' :'''Wheezie''': It's not working see, I knew... :'''Max''': Look! ===''Snow Dragons'' [1.6a]=== :''' ===''The Fury is Out on This One'' [1.6b]=== :''' ===''The Giant of Nod'' [1.7a]=== :'''Wheezie''': I don't believe it, he didn't even yawn. ===''The Big Sleepover'' [1.7b]=== :''[Emmy goes over to Cassie's house and knocks on the door; Cassie comes out to bedroom window.]'' :'''Cassie''': Emmy! What are you doing here? :'''Emmy''': What are you doing here? Aren't you coming to Zak and Wheezie's sleepover? :'''Cassie''': Oh, I don't know. ''[Emmy climbs up to her window through the ivy of the facade and Cassie gasps]'' :'''Emmy''': Come on, Cassie. You'll have fun! Big time! :'''Cassie''': I know. But I've never slept away from my mummy and daddy before! Ever! Not even one whole time! :'''Emmy''': Well, what if you brought something to remind you of home? :'''Cassie''': Like what? :'''Emmy''': On my first sleepover, I brought Lupita. She's my favorite doll. :'''Cassie''': Oh! Maybe I could bring... ''[leaves and comes back with a pile of books]'' Some of my favorite books! ''[catches the top book as it falls off]'' :'''Emmy''': How about just one? :'''Cassie''': Oh, I could never pick just one. Wait, I've got another idea! ''[puts the books away and returns with a pile of pillows]'' How about my favorite pillows? ''[Emmy shakes her head]'' Still too much? :'''Emmy''': Definitely! :'''Cassie''': Oh. I know! ''[puts the pillows away and takes out a photo of her with her parents and two of her siblings]'' I'll take this picture of my mummy and daddy and all my brothers and sisters! ''[unfolds it to reveal more pictures that tile out the window down the wall]'' :'''Emmy''': All seventy-four of them? That'll work. Come on, you can do it! :'''Cassie''': Okay, I'll try. :'''Emmy''': Yes! :''[Changes to the knuckerhole later that night; the sleepover is on! Laughter and cheering rings out from Zak and Wheezie's bedroom as Emmy, Max, Ord, and Cassie jump in the bed while Zak looks at his alarm clock and Wheezie play his drum.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :'''Zak''': Now, can we '''PLEASE''' get ready for bed?! ''["PLEASE" is mistakenly heard as "police"]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': Everything really funtastic and wild in there for you kiddos? :'''Wheezie''': '''FUNTASTIC, DADDY! GOOF-BALL-O-RAMA!''' :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': ''[as Cassie hesitates and takes out a photo of her family]'' Now if you need anything, dear, remember, we're right down the hall. Just a holler away. A few small steps. :'''Zak''': Thanks, mummy. :'''Emmy''': What's the matter, Cassie? :'''Cassie''': I miss my daddy and mummy. :'''Wheezie''': Why don't you call them? :'''Cassie''': Can I? :'''Wheezie''': Sure! :''[Changes to a ceiling phone horn; Wheezie gets it down for Cassie to use.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Talk away! :'''Cassie''': Hi, this is Cassie. Can you connect me to my mummy and daddy? :'''Cassie's dad''': Hello? Cassie? Is that you? :'''Cassie''': Hi, Father. :'''Cassie's dad''': Are you having fun? :'''Max''': ''[comes past still spinning]'' Wheeeeeeeee!!! :'''Cassie''': Sort of. I just wondered if you and Mummy miss me. I mean, I could come home if you want. :'''Cassie's dad''': Of course we miss you, honey, but why don't you try and stay a little longer and have fun with your friends? :'''Cassie''': Okay, I'll try. :'''Cassie's dad''': Bye, sweetie. :'''Cassie''':: Bye, Father. :''[The call ends and the phone retracts.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :''[Ord makes shadow puppets]'' :'''Max''': Wow! That's cool! Let me try! ''[makes a simplistic shadow puppet]'' :'''Zak''': What is that? :'''Max''': A rock. :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': Okay, kiddos! Five minutes until beddy-bye time! :'''Zak''': ''[excitedly]'' '''BEDDY-BYE TIME?! BEDDY-BYE TIME?! YES!''' :'''Wheezie''': [dismayed] Oh, Zaky... ===''A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words'' [1.8a]=== :''[The Doodle Fairy has drawn a picture to communicate with them]'' :'''Max''': It's a hairy bug! :''[The Doodle Fairy shakes her head]'' :'''Zak''': This is too hard! I'll quit. :'''Ord''': We can't give up! Please! :'''Zak''': OK, if you insist... ===''The Talent Pool'' [1.8b]=== :'''Cassie''': I know. I can't help it. :'''Emmy''': I have an idea, Cassie. :'''Cassie''': Can I try? ''[giggles]'' I'm doing it. :'''Emmy''': That's it. :'''Max''': Way to go, Cassie! :'''Ord''': ''Yay, Cassie!'' :'''Cassie''': ''[notices sound]'' Sorry, Zak. Here. I'll fix your boo-boo. :'''Zak''': ''[sighs]'' Thanks for helping me fell better, Cassie. :'''Cassie''': Yeah, but, I can't do anything special for the talent show. :'''Ord''': Don't give up, Cassie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': I don't know what to do, Quetzal. I tried and tried, but, I ''can't'' think of anything special I can do. :'''Quetzal''': Why don't we look in the Big Story Book? ===''Emmy's Dreamhouse'' [1.9a]=== :'''Zak''': Emmy, how do you like the steps Wheezie and I made? :'''Wheezie''': We've even thought of a secret musical password. ''[plays "Shave and a Haircut" on the steps, with Zak's triangle making up the final two notes.]'' Love it! :'''Emmy''': It's great. But red steps would go better with the rest of the treehouse, don't you think? ''[pours a can of red paint all over the stairs and some of it gets on Wheezie's foot]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[angrylid]'' No! You said we could have... :'''Zak''': Whatever we want and... :'''Wheezie''': We want black and white! :'''Emmy''': Oops. Sorry. I guess I forgot to ask again, didn't I? :''[Zak and Wheezie are angry as Emmy enters the treehouse where everyone is setting up their things. Cassie is setting up her bookshelf.]'' :'''Cassie''': Let's see. Where should I put my picture book on flying? Right there. ''[the book flies into place]'' How do you like my new bookshelf, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': It looks nice, Cassie. It would look better with these flowers on it. [takes out a flowerpot with flowers in it] :'''Cassie''': But those are your flowers! :'''Emmy''': Yeah. :'''Cassie''': And they're too tall! :'''Emmy''': I know. ''[takes all of Cassie's books off the shelf and lowers the middle shelf to the bottom. She then puts the books cover side down with two stacked up in the middle and puts the flowerpot on top of them.]'' :'''Emmy''': Perfect! :'''Cassie''': But... my books! ''[starts laughing and grows]'' :'''Emmy''': Oh, Cassie, I'm sorry I made you feel mad! ''[Cassie runs off]'' I can't believe I forgot to ask what she wanted. :'''Max''': Emmy, take a look through my telescope! :''[Ord is getting his toy chest set up and Max has put his telescope near the window]'' :'''Max''': You can see the Stickleback Mountains. :'''Ord''': And check out my... my... ''[grunts trying to close it but can't]'' ...toy drawer. Neat, huh? :'''Emmy''': Yeah! And this is a great spot for our play rug. :''[She unfolds the rug doing fall Max's telescope and covers the toy chest a bit at the corner]'' :'''Emmy''': We'll only have to move your stuff a little bit, okay? :'''Ord''': I guess. :''[Emmy pushes the toy chest off the rug into the wall and moves the telescope to the opposite side.]'' :'''Emmy''': That's better. :'''Max''': No, it isn't! You didn’t leave room for my telescope! :'''Ord''': And I can’t play with my toy drawer in the corner because there’s not enough room! :'''Cassie''': ''[aggravated]'' And you made my bookshelf the way you wanted it! :'''Wheezie''': And Zaky and I didn’t like how you repainted our steps! :'''Zak''': Or our toenails! ''[Wheezie shows the paint on her foot]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[wryly]'' Actually, I thought the toenails were kinda pretty. :'''Max''': ''[carrying his telescope]'' You’re not being nice, Emmy! :'''Wheezie''': Come on, everyone! Let’s go build our own treehouse! :'''Zak''': The way we want it! :''[Everyone less Emmy leaves very annoying]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[also angry]'' I was just trying to make the treehouse better, that's all! :''[They all leave indignant with their stuff and Zak and Wheezie takes the staircase leaving Emmy in the treehouse]'' :'''Emmy''': Have it your way! I'll just build my own treehouse! ''[so she tries to build a ladder herself but it breaks]'' Oh, this is no fun. Isn't it? :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, maybe a tree joke will cheer you up! Why did the tree cross the road? Give up? He had to "leaf!" Get it? Tree? Leaf? Ha ha! Wocka Wocka! [He laughs, and leaves fall out; Emmy does not answer.] So, friend troubles, huh? :'''Emmy''': Yeah. They're mad. I didn't let them do what they wanted. :'''Sid Sycamore''': Well, if you choose all the colors and decide where everything should go, what's left for your friends to do? :'''Emmy''': They can, uh... Not much, I guess. Maybe I'd better help them put things back the way they wanted? :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, now you're barkin' up the right tree! Wocka Wocka! :''[Rumbling is heard and the purple goo clouds are coming closer]'' :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, you better hurry. The purple goo clouds are almost here! :''[Emmy runs off and the others are at the other side of the forest carrying their things when she them catches up]'' :'''Emmy''': Wait up! ''[they stop, she sighs and asks for forgiveness, with the purpose of amendment]'' I guess I wasn't very good at listening and letting you do what you wanted. It's just that I get really excited about my own ideas. But it's no fun building a treehouse without my friends. Can we finish it together? Please? :'''Ord''': Sure! :'''Wheezie''': Of course! :'''Max''': Let's do it! :'''Emmy''': Come on, Cassie. We can fix your bookshelf just the way you wanted. And, Max, where do you want that telescope? :''[Much later, the treehouse is being finished the way everyone wants it. Max and Ord roll out the rug and Emmy builds the roof. More rumbling as the purple goo clouds come closer and everyone notices.]'' ===''Dragon Sails'' [1.9b]=== ===''Eggs Over Easy'' [1.10a]=== ===''A Liking to Biking'' [1.10b]=== :'''Emmy''': ''[singing]'' Rain, Rain, Go Away. :'''Max''': Heh, and don't come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': OH, NO! I'M GONNA FALL! '''AAH!''' :'''Cassie''': Ord, you're a dragon; use your wings. :'''Ord''': Oh, yeah! ''[flies safely back up the cliff]'' I forgot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Emmy''': Look, Max, the rain stopped. We can go outside now. :'''Max''': Yeah! :'''Emmy''': Watch the door! :'''Max''': ''[crashes and falls]'' I know, I know. Watch where I'm going. :''[both giggle]'' ===''Sky Pirates'' [1.11a]=== ===''Four Little Pigs'' [1.11b]=== :'''Max''': I'm the pig in the straw house! [Max's puppet has a mustache.] ''[imitates pigs oinks]'' :'''Ord''': I'm the pig in the house of sticks. ''[imitates pigs oinks]'' :'''Cassie''': And I'm the smart pig! In the brick house! Oink, oink, oink! :'''Emmy''': And now it's time for the most important puppet of all! :'''Zak''': Yeah! The really big.... :'''Wheezie''': Really bad... :'''Zak, Wheezie and Emmy''': Wolf! ''[imitates wolf's howls until they stop. Zak and Wheezie stare at Emmy. Zak is glaring and Wheezie is confused.]'' :'''Zak''': Huh? :'''Wheezie''': Why'd you make a wolf? :'''Emmy''': 'Cause I'm playing the wolf. :''[Zak and Wheezie growl at Emmy's sock puppet and look at each other and back at Emmy]'' :'''Emmy''': What a cool wolf puppet! Oh, I'm sorry! I wouldn't have made my puppet... ''[takes her wolf puppet off her left hand and tosses it aside and grabs Zak and Wheezie's wolf puppets and puts them on both her hands]'' ...if I knew you were gonna make one for me. Thank you so much! :''[Zak and Wheezie look at each other sad]'' :'''Zak''': Uh, you're welcome. :''[Wheezie gets mad]'' :'''Wheezie''': No, she's not! We made it for us! ''[Wheezie takes back her and Zak's wolf puppets from Emmy and places them on both their hands]'' We want to play the wolf! :'''Emmy''': But I thought you wanted to play the music. :'''Zak''': We always have to play the music! :'''Wheezie''': And this time we want to do something else! :'''Max''': But you play music the best! :'''Zak''': Well, we wanna be the wolf! :'''Wheezie''': Yeah! No wolf... :'''Both''': No, Zak and Wheezie. :'''Cassie''': But if you play the wolf, who will play the music? :''[Emmy hangs her head down]'' :'''Emmy''': I can't play the music by myself. :'''Cassie''': Well, I don't think I can. ''[to Ord with her puppet]'' What about you? :'''Ord''': Oh, no! ''[with his puppet]'' I'm a pig! :'''Emmy''': ''[to Zak and Wheezie]'' You've got to play the music! :'''Max''': You're the best! :'''Ord''': Please! :'''Cassie''': Will you? :''[Zak gets mad]'' :'''Zak''': No! If we can't be the wolf.... :'''Wheezie''': We don't wanna play with you anymore. ''[both Zak and Wheezie nod their heads no, and walk out of the theater. Emmy tries to say something, but the words don't come out. Zak and Wheezie run away angrily. Cassie peeks out calling to them. Next, Emmy, Max and Ord peek out.]'' :'''Cassie''': Zak! :'''Emmy''': Wheezie! :'''Ord''': Wait! :''[Zak and Wheezie jump into their hole. Cassie runs up to the hole. Emmy, Max and Ord follow suit. They peek down the hole. They are now all sad.]'' :'''Cassie''': [sighs] I guess we'll have to do the show without them. :'''Ord''': But we need music, don't we? :'''Emmy''': ''[smiling]'' I have an idea! Come on! :''[The gang goes back to the stage. Zak and Wheezie poke their heads out of their hole and sees the gang walking away. Zak and Wheezie look at each other sadly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wolf''': I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I miss Zak and Wheezie... ===''Zak and the Beanstalk'' [1.12a]=== ===''A Feat on Her Feet'' [1.12b]=== :'''Zak''': Slow down! :''[screams]'' :'''Max''': It's Cassie. :'''Ord''': Look out! :''[all screaming]'' :'''Cassie''': Oh, no! ''[crashes]'' :'''Emmy''': Sorry, Cassie. :'''Ord''': Are you okay? :'''Cassie''': I'm fine. But, look, my poor flowers. Oh, you poor things. How I will ever get you to Singing Springs now? :'''Emmy''': Why do you need to take the flowers to Singing Springs, Cassie? :'''Cassie''': Because they're Jingle Flowers. I grow them from seeds. But, now, that they're grow up, I need to plant them at Singing Springs. Cause without the foundation music water they'll lose the Jingle Flowers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Nice skating, Cassie! :'''Cassie''': Come on, let's get the jingle flowers plant now! ===''Not Separated at Birth'' [1.13a]=== :''[Zak and Wheezie are in an argument. And they convince themselves that they want to be separated from each other forever.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[to Wheezie]'' '''I WISH I WASN'T STUCK TOGETHER WITH YOU, WHEEZIE!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[shouts back --and to Zak]'' '''REALLY?! WELL, I DOUBLE WISH IT!''' :'''Zak''': '''THEN I DOUBLE, DOUBLE WISH IT!''' :'''Quetzal''': My, my, niños. You two really wish to be separated from each other? :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ''[in chorus]'' '''YES!''' :'''Quetzal''': Then, so be it if you can. ''[he takes out a pair of pink crystals]'' Here. Take these crystals. ''[they take them]'' Now fly into the air and say: "Alakazoo, split in two." Rub the crystals together and your wish will come true. :'''Wheezie''': Come on, Zak! Let's get flapping! :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' Well, I'm not holding us up... :''[They fly into the air, each holding a crystal]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Alakazoo, split in two! :''[They rub the crystals together and appears a blinding flash of light as Emmy and Max gasp. The flight floats down to them and it clears to reveal Zak and Wheezie now with their own separate bodies.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Loooooove it! :'''Zak''': Two feet, two claws, and two wings? Too good to be true! Ha-ha-ha! :'''Max''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': I don't believe it! :'''Ord''': Did it hurt? :'''Zak''': No, it didn't. :'''Cassie''': How does it feel? :'''Wheezie''': Great! Now I can do anything I want! ''[does some somersaults]'' Whoo! See? Just me. :'''Zak''': Well, look at this... ''[does a handstand]'' A handstand, all by myself! :'''Wheezie''': ''[lands behind him]'' Watch me! ''[does some loops in the air and divebombs down]'' :'''Zak''': Careful, Wheezie! :''[Wheezie does some more tricks in the sky but suddenly she crashes into a tree and everyone gasps. She falls out as Zak and Emmy run over.]'' :'''Emmy''': Are you okay? :'''Wheezie''': Okay?! I'm better than okay! :'''Zak''': Thank goodness. I'll never have to fly too fast again. ''[flies at his own slow pace]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[yawns]'' Ho hum. :''[Later Wheezie empties out the playground equipment]'' :'''Max''': How are we gonna make all that stuff into a slide? :'''Wheezie''': It's easy. You got Wheezie. Let's go! :'''Max''': Oh, no! I forgot my other tools! :'''Ord''': Here, Max. ''[hands him tools from his pouch]'' You can use my wrench and my screwdriver, my pliers and my saw and... :'''Max''': ''[falls down and laughs]'' Ord, enough! :'''Wheezie''': ''[holding a plank and post]'' Now, which one goes where? ''[bumps the post against the plank]'' :'''Ord''': I don't think they fit, Wheezie. :'''Wheezie''': [hammers the post into the plank, denting it] Ha! They do now. :''[The slide is later fully constructed but poorly]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ta-da! Don't you just looooooooove it?! :'''Ord''': Is it supposed to look like that? :'''Wheezie''': Yeah! Wild and fun! :'''Max''': What's that stuff for? ''[he points to the parts that were never used]'' :'''Wheezie''': Uh... they're just extras. Oh, don't worry. This is gonna be super-duper! ''[she leans against the slide and suddenly it falls apart]'' :'''Wheezie''': Uh-oh. Hm, maybe those weren't extras. Zak would've known how to put it together. Oh, Zaky?! :''[Elsewhere, Zak is helping Emmy and Cassie with the drum trampoline. Wheezie walks up.]'' :'''Wheezie''': We had a teensy little problem. Could you please help us? ''[shows him the broken slide parts]'' :'''Zak''': Hmm... Huh? ''[takes out a blueprint of the slide]'' Wheezie, did you follow the directions? :'''Wheezie''': Ah, who needs those boring things? :'''Ord and Max''': We do! :'''Wheezie''': Okay, okay! Following the directions is Zak's job, but I can do it too! Thanks for the help, Zak. ''[takes it from him]'' Let's see. Where's the thingamajig? :''[Zak is working on the trampolines as Emmy and Cassie pull on the elastic bed]'' :'''Zak''': A little more... Not too tight... Not too loose... :'''Cassie and Emmy''': '''ZAK!!!!''' :'''Zak''': Sorry. Usually Wheezie tells me when we're done. ''[finishes tightening the bolts]'' There. Three perfect drum trampolines. :'''Emmy''': Yes! Now I can show you my famous bottoms-up bounce! ''[she tries to bounce but falls on her back as it dents in]'' Whoa!! :'''Cassie''': That's your big bounce? :'''Emmy''': No way! Zak, the trampoline is saggy! :'''Zak''': I know. This way we can jump nice and slow. :'''Emmy''': Slow?! But we need bouncy! You can't do good flips and knee drops unless it's bouncy! :'''Cassie''': Let me try. ''[she jumps and falls too]'' Whoa!! It's... it's... :'''Both''': Boring... :'''Zak''': I guess Wheezie would've known how to make it fun. Wheezie, can you come here? :''[The others are working on the slide and Wheezie comes over]'' :'''Zak''': What's wrong with our trampolines? :'''Wheezie''': ''[pulls on the still loose ropes]'' You just need to tighten the ropes an extra squeeze, so they'll be extra bouncy. :''[Zak does just that; he tests the trampoline]'' :'''Zak''': Thanks, Wheezie. I knew you'd know what to do. That's bouncy, all right. :'''Cassie''': Okay, Emmy, show us your big bounce! :''[Emmy bounces and flips flawlessly]'' :'''Cassie''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': Come on, you try! :'''Cassie''': ''[bounces on it]'' Whee! He-he-he-he! ''[gets off]'' Hey, Emmy, is there anything else we can do on here besides jump? :'''Emmy''': Well... :'''Ord''': Hey, everybody! Step right up! :'''Max''': The xylophone slide is now ready to go! :''[It is perfectly constructed]'' :'''Wheezie''': Whoo-hoo! See you later, alligators! ''[she slides down cheering and lands hard on the ground]'' :'''Zak''': Wheezie, are you okay? Did you get a boo-boo? Are you bleeding? :'''Wheezie''': It was fun! ...Except for the landing. :'''Ord''': So now we have a great slide. :'''Max''': With an icky landing. What are we going to do? :''[Ord pulls out a sandwich]'' :'''Ord''': Have a snack? :'''Zak''': ''[gets an idea]'' Why don't we put the slide and the trampoline... :'''Wheezie''': Together? :'''Zak''': Exactly! :''[All they move the trampolines in front of the slide]'' :'''Wheezie''': Is this the right spot, Zaky? :'''Zak''': A little over... Just right! :'''Wheezie''': Let's try it. :'''Zak''': You first, Wheezie. :'''Wheezie''': ''[takes her place]'' Look out below!!!!!!! ''[she slides down and bounces across the trampolines coming in for a perfect landing]'' Looooooove it! Zaky, you're up! :'''Zak''': All by myself? Only me? Nobody else? Will you come with me, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': Sure. :''[They sit at the top of the slide together]'' :'''Zak''': Ready, Freddy? :'''Wheezie''': Okey-dokey, artichoke-y! :''[They slide and bounce laughing and shouting happily]'' :'''Zak''': That was fun! :''[The others cheer them happy]'' :'''Others''': Let's go!/I wanna try!/Me next!/Don't forget me! :''[Quetzal comes back]'' :'''Quetzal''': Fantástico! You did a great job putting everything together. Is it fun? :'''Wheezie''': It's fun-tastic! But I have an idea that will make it even better. ''[whispers into Zak's ear]'' :'''Zak''': Great idea, Wheezie. :''[They both whisper to Quetzal]'' :'''Max''': What idea? I don't get it. :'''Wheezie''': Quetzal, can we? :'''Zak''': Pretty please, with a fireball on top? :'''Emmy''': Tell me. I wanna know! :'''Quetzal''': ''[gets out the crystals from before]'' I think it's a wonderful idea. :'''Cassie''': What is? :'''Quetzal''': ''[as Zak and Wheezie take the crystals]'' Fly into the air and say: "Alakazoo, stick like glue." Then rub the crystals together. :'''Zak''': Come on, Wheezie! :''[Both they hold hands and fly up]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Alakazoo, stick like glue! :''[They rub the crystals; a blinding flash of light as it comes down and it clears revealing Zak and Wheezie have returned to their original two-headed self.]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Ha-ha, yeah!/We did it! :''[They high five and fly around happily]'' :'''Max''': Now I get it! :'''Cassie''': They're our Zak and Wheezie again! :'''Emmy''': Definitely! ===''A Kite for Quetzal'' [1.13b]=== :'''Max''': I guess we'll just have to go home now. Huh, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': Guess so, Max. ===''Dragon Drop'' [1.14a]=== ===''Cassie Loves a Parade'' [1.14b]=== :'''Cassie''': I really, really wanted to ride on that float. It's not fair. It's just not fair. Whoa! ''[Cassie hits the tree, spider web and the flower!]'' It's just hate today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Uh, how are we gonna stop this thing? :'''Emmy''': Easy. You can fly us out of here. :'''Ord''': Oh, yeah. :'''Zak''' and '''Wheezie''': Oh, yeah. :'''Cassie''': Oh, yeah. :'''Cassie''': Yeah. I was sad because I didn't get picked for the book float. ''[giggles]'' And I ended up having fun anyway. :'''Emmy''': Let's go. :'''Quetzal''': Have fun, niños. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Hey I never did get my chocolate milkshake. :'''Mom''': ''Emmy? Max? Anyone for ice cream?'' :'''Emmy''': Coming, Mom. :'''Max''': Hey, wait for me. ===''A Cool School'' [1.15a]=== :'''Ord''': Slam dunk... :'''Max''': For Air Ord-an! ===''Max's Comic Adventure'' [1.15b]=== ===''It Happened One Nightmare'' [1.16a]=== ===''Staying Within the Lines'' [1.16b]=== :''[The next scene shows Dragon Land not in color and it's all white and monochrome.]'' :'''Ord''': Max! Emmy! I'm so glad you got here. :'''Max''': Hey, where's our hug, Ord? :'''Ord''': Not now, Max. We got work to do. :'''Quetzal''': Hola, niños! :'''Emmy''': Hola, Quetzal! :'''Max''': Hi! :'''Quetzal''': We all have something very important to do. Look over there. :'''Emmy''': What happen to all the color? :'''Cassie''': It got washed away by a big rain storm. :'''Ord''': Even our school. :'''Quetzal''': Si, that's why I brought these. You all go to the Stickleback Mountains. I'll color in the School in the Sky, you can help color in the rest. :'''Emmy''': But you can't color in a real mountain. :'''Quetzal''': In Dragon Land, you can! :'''Max''': I love to color. This is gonna be fun! :'''Ord''': Come on, everyone! Let's go! :'''Quetzal''': But be careful, niños! There's a giant sleeping in the Stickleback Mountains and if he's awaken, he can be quite grumpy! :'''Max''': Wow! It looks like a giant coloring book! :'''Emmy''': Yeah! Before it's been colored! :''[Ord and Cassie landed, Max and Emmy got off of their backs. They see the Knuckerhole, hear Zak and Wheezie's voice and see them pop out of the Knuckerhole in the air.]'' :'''Emmy''': Zak! Wheezie! :''[Zak and Wheezie land on the ground]'' :'''Wheezie''': We came as soon as we got Quetzal's message! :'''Zak''': Wh-what's wrong? :'''Max''': There's no color. :'''Wheezie''': No color? Haaatte it! it looks so... :'''Zak''': Neat and clean? '''LOOOOVE IT!''' ''[laugh]'' Why messing it up by coloring it? :'''The Gang''': ''[annoying]'' '''ZAK!!!''' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Zak''': That leaves a knucker hole for you and me, Wheezie... :'''Wheezie''': ''[filling the brush with paint of various colors]'' Oooooooh, I just love coloring, it's so... so... colorful! :''[They go to the knucker hole with a paintbrush and Wheezie paints it with all the colors of the rainbow]'' :'''Zak''': ''[scolding her]'' Wheezie... Knucker holes are supposed to be brown. :'''Wheezie''': Uh-uh... They're prettier in rainbow... :''[Zak won't let him paint the knucker hole that color and Wheezie throws the paintbrush with paint in his snout, much to his disgust.]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' You look prettier in rainbow too, Zaky. ===''Follow the Dots'' [1.17a] === <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': Like Mexican chili pepper. I know. I'll count them in Spanish. ''Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.'' That's 6. :'''Max''': Look, Ord. Dandelions! :'''Ord''': One, two... three, four, five, six... ( ''groaning '' ) seven. ( ''sneezes'' ) :'''Max''': Bless you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I found another dot! :'''Ord''': I don't see anything we can count. :'''Max''': I do. ''Stinky-dink bugs!'' ( ''muffled'' ) You write the number this time, because I gotta hold my nose. :'''Ord''': ( ''muffled'' ) Okay, Max. :'''Max''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Phew! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Let's do some more connect the dots, Max. :'''Max''': Here's one. :'''Emmy''': I wonder what it's a picture of. :'''Max''': Maybe, a race car, or a dinosaur. Or a... :'''Max and Emmy''': ''Norm The Number Gnome!'' ( ''music song ends'' ) ===''A Smashing Success'' [1.17b]=== :''[After Wheezie blamed Cassie and said it was Cassie who broke her trumpet and after Emmy's lie got her --Cassie-- and Zak in trouble.]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[crying --and to Emmy]'' '''THANKS A LOT, EMMY!''' :''[Cassie cries. That is, after Emmy's lie got her --Cassie-- in trouble when Wheezie pinned the blame on her. Then, Cassie says...!]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[in between tears]'' '''NOW WHEEZIE IS NOT SPEAKING TO ME EVER AGAIN, AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!''' :''[Cassie says that thanks to Emmy, Wheezie is not going to speak to her again. And she didn't do anything. After Cassie accuses Emmy --for making Wheezie blame her-- she resumes crying. When Emmy --so she would not get in trouble with Wheezie for breaking her trumpet-- did not tell Wheezie, who had blamed both Zak and Cassie. So Emmy knew her lie had gotten both Zak and Cassie in such trouble.]'' :'''Max''': We have to tell Quetzal. :'''Emmy''': Max? Wait! ''[Meanwhile, Quetzal was hanging some of the lights up on the shack, when Emmy and Max came up to tell him the situation.]'' :'''Max''': ''[panting]'' Emmy's in BIG trouble, because she wouldn't tell. :'''Quetzal''': Wouldn't tell what, Em? :'''Emmy''': Uh, a story. I mean, I needed to ask you a question, Quetzal, and I, uh... I have to tell you a story to do it. :'''Quetzal''': I see. I think. :'''Emmy''': Well! Uh... There's this little mouse with ribbon in her hair. :'''Quetzal''': ''Sí.'' :'''Emmy''': And she accidentally broke something that belonged to a two-headed turtle. :'''Quetzal''': ''Sí,'' go on. :'''Emmy''': And, well, the Little Mouse didn't know how to tell the Two-Headed Turtle what she did. What should she have done, Quetzal? :'''Quetzal''': Well! If ''I'' were that Little Mouse with a red ribbon on my hair, I would have stood up straight, taken a deep breath, and told ''Wheezie'' that I broke her trumpet. :'''Emmy''': Huh? How did you know?! :'''Max''': I didn't tell him. :'''Quetzal''': It's not important how I knew. What is important is what you are going to do about it. :'''Emmy''': I guess if a friend broke something of mine, I'd want them to tell me. :'''Ord''': Tell you what? ''[He and the others come by.]'' :'''Max''': That she broke it. :'''Cassie''': Who broke it? :'''Max''': The Little Mouse. :'''Zak''': Broke what? :'''Emmy''': Your trumpet. :'''Wheezie''': A little mouse broke my trumpet? :'''Max''': ''[chuckles]'' :'''Emmy''': OK, I'm just going to do it. ''[draws deep breath]'' I broke your trumpet, Wheezie! I thought you'd be mad at me so I hid it. Then, I tried to fix it, but that only made it worse, so I asked Cassie to tell you, and, well, that didn't help either. :'''Wheezie''': You should've just told me, Emmy, and then I wouldn't have made Zak or Cassie feel bad. ''[to Zak and Cassie]'' Sorry. :'''Zak and Cassie''': That's OK, Wheezie. :'''Emmy''': I know I should say I'm sorry. I bet no one wants to be ''my'' friend any more... :'''Cassie''': Of course we do. :'''Emmy''': You do?! ''[Cassie nodded]'' ''[to Wheezie]'' How about you, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': I'm pretty glad you told me, Emmy. Of course we're still friends. ''[She and Emmy hug each other.]'' :'''Ord''': We'll just have to play our song another time. :'''Quetzal''': Maybe not, Ord. ''[He sprinkled some of his magic on the trumpet, which gets fixed.]'' :'''Wheezie''': My trumpet! You've fixed it, for real! :'''Emmy''': Thank you, Quetzal. :'''Cassie''': You're the greatest! :'''Zak''': It's almost show time. :'''Ord''': Come on! ----- :'''Max''': Uh, Emmy, I have something to tell you. :'''Emmy''': What's wrong now? :'''Max''': I think I broke your dolly. :'''Emmy''': Oh, that old thing? It's always falling apart. :'''Max''': You mean, it's already broken, and you're not mad at me? :'''Emmy''': Definitely not. :'''Max''': Good, because... Remember your tea set? :'''Emmy''': Max?! ''[giggles]'' ===''Quibbling Siblings'' [1.18a]=== *'''Zak''': '''NO SLEEP, NO BREAKFAST, NO NOTHING! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I CANNOT FIND MY MAGNIFYING GLASS!''' *''[By that saying of Zak, Zak is not going to speak to Wheezie ever again once he gets back his sleep, breakfast, and magnifying glass.]'' <hr width="70%"/> *'''Wheezie''': I wonder why Zakie is so mad at me. *'''Emmy''': Well, you made him angry. *'''Wheezie''': ''[in disbelief]'' '''ARE YOU KIDDING?!''' Name one thing that I could possibly do to make him mad. *'''Max''': ''[for first reason]'' You kept him up all night with your banging. *'''Wheezie''': All right! Name two things that I could have done. *'''Emmy''': ''[for second reason]'' You ruined his breakfast. *'''Max''': ''[also for second reason]'' And you took his magnifying glass. *'''Wheezie''': You think that is why Zak is so made at me? *''[Zak takes off his alone cone.]'' *'''Zak''': ''[in a sing-songy voice]'' '''♪ I CAN'T HEAR YOU!♪ ''' *''[He gets angry.]'' *'''Zak''': '''BUT YES!''' *''[He puts the cone back on his head and resumes hiding in it.]'' ===''Wheezie's Hairball'' [1.18b]=== ===''A Tall Tale'' [1.19a]=== ===''Stormy Weather'' [1.19b]=== :'''Max''': Super Max Isn't Afraid Of You Know What? :'''Emmy''': Definitley! ===''Blowin' in the Wind'' [1.20a]=== ===''No Hitter'' [1.20b]=== :"'Max"': I Didn't Mean to make Emmy Sick. ===''Do Not Pass Gnome'' [1.21a]=== ===''Treasure Hunt'' [1.21b]=== ===''The Jumping Bean Express'' [1.22a]=== ===''Get Offa My Cloud'' [1.22b]=== ===''Backwards to Forwards'' [1.23a]=== ===''Sounds Like Trouble'' [1.23b]=== ===''The Greatest Show in Dragon Land'' [1.24a]=== ===''Prepare According to Instructions'' [1.24b]=== ===''Wheezie's Last Laugh'' [1.25a]=== :'''Zak''': ''[to Mr. Pop]'' Mr. Pop? I have a great sound for you! :''[Zak takes away Mr. Pop's laugh.]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': Really? A very funny one? :''[After Zak and Wheezie stole Mr. Pop's laugh, they replace it with a donkey sound. The donkey sound --which Mr. Pop had stole-- must have came from a donkey. And he --Mr. Pop-- had replaced the donkey bray on the donkey with a different animal sound.]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[Insert donkey brays here]''! '''MY LAUGH!''' ''[Insert donkey brays here]''! :'''Wheezie''': Now you know how it feels to lose your favorite ''[imitates laugh]''! :''[The incident makes Mr. Pop feel how Wheezie felt when he took away her laugh. First, he switched the sounds of all the farm animals. He made the cow sound like a frog, the rooster sound like a cow, and the frog sound like a rooster. And now, he took away Wheezie's laugh too. In the meantime, Mr. Pop says...!]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[in between donkey brays]'' I sure do! And it feels awful! :''[After Mr. Pop says this, he resumes donkey brays.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[to Mr. Pop]'' I will give you your laugh back, if you give my sister her laugh back. :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[in between donkey brays]'' Okay. You win. ===''Frog Prints'' [1.25b]=== ===''Crash Landings'' [1.26a]=== ===''The Big Cake Mix-up'' [1.26b]=== :'''Zak''': Wait! Something’s not right. ''[looks over the stuff on the table]'' Hmmm, I know. The bowl is going to be too small, and everything’s gonna spill and make a big mess! :'''Cassie''': Maybe there’s a bigger bowl in the cupboard. :'''Zak''': Good idea. <hr width="82%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Perfect! It's time to bake it! :'''Zak''': Oh, no! We can't! :'''Max''': Why not? :'''Zak''': 'Cause we're not allowed to use the oven without Mom... ''["Mom" is mistakenly heard as "Bob"]'' :'''Wheezie''': I can fix that... '''Mom???'' <hr width="82%"/> :'''Mom''': ''Max, Emmy!'' :'''Emmy''': Uh-oh. :'''Max''': What? :'''Emmy''': I think. There's something we didn't plan too well. :'''Max''': What? :'''Mom''': ''Dinnertime!'' :'''Both''': Aw... ===''Quetzal's Magic Pop-Up Book'' [1.27a]=== ===''My Way or Snow Way'' [1.27b]=== ===''Sand Castle Hassle'' [1.28a]=== :'''Zak''': They're coming! :'''Ord''': The turtle dragons? :'''Zak''': No, the waves! ===''True Blue Friend'' [1.28b]=== :'''Max''': Then, follow me to Dragon Land. ===''Zak Takes a Dive'' [1.29a]=== :'''Quetzal''': Ord Por favor leave some water for the lake for the others :''[Ord Smiles]'' :'''Max''' Come on let's make a big splash like Ord! :'''Quetzal:''': Don't forget to put on your dragon wings :'''Max:''': Dragon wings Cool <hr width="50%"/> :''[They try to swim but use the wrong arm strokes]'' :'''Wheezie''': Was that better? :'''Zak''': No! We didn't go anywhere. ===''Under the Weather'' [1.29b]=== ===''My Emmy or Bust'' [1.30a]=== :''[Max hears Emmy close the door.]'' :'''Max''': Oh, no! Huh? :''[Emmy goes into the car --to go shopping at the grocery store with their dad-- unaware of the dragons calling.]'' :'''Max''': '''EMMY...!? YOU GOT TO COME BACK!''' ''[echoes]'' Where did you go? :''[The car drives away. Mom --Emmy and Max's mother-- comes out of her bedroom. And she asks Max...!]'' :'''Mom''': ''[from in the hall --and offscreen]'' Max? Did you call me? :''[But their mom is unaware that Emmy was going grocery shopping with their dad. And Max was left behind --that is, to go to Dragon Land without Emmy. What is more, Emmy --on the other hand-- is going shopping with their dad. That is, even though she was supposed to go to Dragon Land with Max.]'' :'''Max''': ''[calls back]'' No, Mom! :''[Mom --Max and Emmy's mother-- leaves, blissfully unaware. Max turns back to himself. And he says...!]'' :'''Max''': The dragons are calling! I just don't want to go without Emmy. But you have no idea... '''WHAT IF THEY NEED ME!?''' :''[Max takes out the dragon scale. And he says the rhyme.]'' :'''Max''': ''[with the dragon scale]'' ''I wish, I wish,'' :''with all my heart,'' :''To fly with dragons in a land apart.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[as she gets back home from the supermarket with their dad]'' You should have come, Max! Dad gave me a quarter so I could ride on the big blue dinosaur which was in front of the store. :'''Max''': That is nothing. Because I went to Dragon Land by myself. ''[he tells Emmy about his adventure without her]'' I was captain of a submarine. And I was searching for a missing sea dragon. :'''Emmy''': Oh, Max! Am I glad to see you! :''[Emmy talks to Max about the dinosaur at the supermarket. Their dad had given Emmy a quarter and Emmy she got to ride the dinosaur in front of the supermarket.]'' :'''Emmy''': Just because I got to ride the dinosaur (at the supermarket), you do not need to make up a story. ===''Light My Firebreath'' [1.30b]=== :'''Emmy''': Ready. :'''Max''': Here goes. :''[bubbling]'' :'''Emmy''': Let me try. ''[blows]'' :'''Max''': Blow harder. :'''Emmy''': Ew. ''[laughs]'' Okay, enough volcanoes. Let's go to Dragon Land. :'''Max''': Good idea. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. ===''Follow the Leader'' [1.31a]=== ===''Max and the Magic Carpet'' [1.31b]=== ===''Rope Trick'' [1.32a]=== ===''Baby Troubles'' [1.32b]=== ===''Small Time'' [1.33a]=== :'''Ord''': That's weird. You wouldn't think they'd only send her backpack. ''[holds up Emmy's backpack]'' :'''Zak''': Huh? How come Emmy's backpack is here? :'''Wheezie''': And Emmy isn't? :'''Cassie''': Where'd you find that, Ord? :'''Ord''': Right beside these flowers. :'''Cassie''': Careful, Ord, those are shrinking violets. When they bloom, they shrink anything they touch! :'''Ord''': ''[pulling his finger away]'' Oh! :'''Wheezie''': Hey, what's this? ''[picks up the shrunken kickball]'' I found a marble that looks like a dragon ball. :'''Cassie''': Say, that looks just like Emmy's kickball. It must've shrunk. ''[gasps]'' What if Max and Emmy touched the Shrinking Violets? :'''Zak''': Well, then they'd shrink down to teeny, tiny... Oh, No! They shrunk! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Monster caterpoozle! :'''Emmy''': It's just a regular caterpoozle. :'''Max''': We're tiny! ===''Roller Coaster Dragon'' [1.33b]=== :'''Wheezie''': I want to ride the roller coaster dragon so bad I can taste it! :'''Ord''': Really? What does it taste like? :'''Cassie''': Ha ha ha! It's just an expression, Ord! :'''Ord''': Oh. What's an expression taste like? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Hurry up! We have to get our snacks and get back in line before the roller coaster comes back! :'''Server Dragon''': Do I look an octopus, kid? I only have six arms! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': ''Max! Emmy! I'm going to the store to get dinner and ice cream. Be back in 15 minutes!'' :'''Kids''': Ice cream!?! :'''Max''': Only 15 minutes? I can wait that long, easy! :'''Emmy''': Me, too. Let's draw. :''[They sit down and draw pictures]'' :'''Max''': I drew a circle. Your turn. :'''Emmy''': ''There's a triangle.'' :''[Suddenly they realize what they drew]'' :'''Max''': Oh, no! It looks like an ice cream cone! :'''Kids''': MOM! :''[They realize they have to wait as the view goes black]'' ===''Up, Up and Away'' [1.34a]=== :'''All''': Good. Whoa! ''[all screaming]'' ===''Wild Time'' [1.34b]=== ===''Bad Share Day'' [1.35a]=== :''[Emmy finds a keyboard in the playroom and starts playing a song on it. She sings [[w:Three Blind Mice|Three Blind Mice]]. That is, as she sings...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[singing while playing her toy keyboard]'' ''Three blind mice, three blind mice,'' :''See how they run, see how they run.'' :'''Max''': ''[giggles]'' That's funny! :''[Next Emmy tries another song. It is called [[w:Baa Baa Black Sheep|Baa Baa Black Sheep]]. That is, as she sings...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[singing while playing her toy keyboard again]'' ''Baa, baa, black sheep,'' :''Have you any wool?'' :''[Max wants to play the keyboard too. So he says...!]'' :'''Max''': Let me try. :''[Emmy refuses to let Max have a turn. And she says...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily]'' '''NAH-UH! I AM PLAYING WITH IT! (I HAD IT FIRST!)''' :''[Max tries to tell their mom. That is, about Emmy not sharing the keyboard. So he says...!]'' :'''Max''': ''[to Mom]'' '''MOM?! EMMY IS NOT SHARING THE KEYBOARD (AGAIN)!''' :'''Mom''': ''[from outside the playroom --and to Max]'' ''Try to find something else until it's your turn, Max.'' :''[Max --who quickly buries the hatchet-- completely forgets about the keyboard and then, regards to Dragon Land.]'' :'''Max''': Maybe Ord has something cool to share with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': If I don't take my crayon back now, it'll be too late! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': You can use it. :'''Max''': I didn't want to use, Emmy. I only wait it to share it. Can't we play it together? ===''Whole Lotta Maracas Goin' On'' [1.35b]=== :'''Emmy''': ''Wake up, sleepyhead.'' :'''Max''': ''[yawns]'' I'm tired. ===''Ord Sees the Light'' [1.36a]=== ===''The Ugly Dragling'' [1.36b]=== ===''Out with the Garbage'' [1.37a]=== ===''Lights, Camera, Dragons'' [1.37b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' What's that? :'''Emmy''': It's my dad's video camera. I'm taping you right now! :'''Wheezie''': Ooh! I just love being in videos, they're so... ''[makes faces at the camera and laughs]'' :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Wheezie! We you're making us look silly! ''[approaching the camera]'' '''HI, MOM! HI DAD! IT'S ME, ZAK!''' ''["Mom" is mistakenly heard as "Bob"]'' :''[When suddenly Ord appears worried covering Zak and Wheezie and looking for Cheddar, his mouse]'' :'''Ord''': Hey! Did you two see Cheddar? :'''Zak''': ''[pushing it]'' Who cares about cheese, Ord? You're interrumpting my scene! ''[he and Wheezie make funny faces at the camera]'' :'''Ord''': I'm not talking about cheese... I'm looking from my dragon mouse, Cheddar. He ran into that knucker hole. :'''Wheezie''': So that's who scared Zak. :'''Zak''': He zipped right under out feet! Nearly tripped me. <hr width="70%"/> :'''Ord''': Cheddar! :'''Quetzal''': ''No...'' It's tuna fish. :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' No, no, no, Cheddar's the name of the mouse! :'''Zak''': He's Ord pet, but he run away. :''[Cheddar runs away with Quetzal's sandwich and Emmy records the scene]'' <hr width="70%"/> :'''Quetzal''': ''Jamón''. :'''Max''': Ham! :'''Quetzal''': ''Tomate''. :'''Max''': Tomato! :'''Quetzal''': ''Mostaza''. :'''Max''': Mustard! ''[laughs]'' <hr width="70%"/> :'''Max''': More cheese! :'''Ord''': I like olives! :'''Zak''': No ''jalapeños'', please. <hr width="70%"/> :'''Max''': ''[while Emmy is recording]'' I'm captain submarine of the sandwich patrol, and you're toast! ''[showing Cheddar]'' :''[Quetzal, Ord, Cassie, Zak and Wheezie gasp surprised and then Emmy and Max laugh.]'' ===''Bully for You'' [1.38a]=== ===''The Great White Cloud Whale'' [1.38b]=== :'''Captain Scallywag: Arrgh! Ooh, we've lost him. Ohh, I'll never see me ship again... :'''Emmy''': Don't give up, Captain Scallywag. :'''Cassie''': Yeah! Maybe we can help you think of another way to catch the Cloud Whale. :'''Wheezie''': Oh!... oh!... oh!... I bet he'd come if he heard a nice whale song... :'''Zak''': We don't know any whale songs. Do we? :'''Wheezie''': Sure we do! ♪ Oh, where, oh, where has my big cloud whale gone?... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' That's a dog song! :'''Wheezie''': Not anymore... ♪ Oh, where, oh, where can he be? With his ears cut short... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Whales don't have any ears! :'''Wheezie''': ♪ And his tail cut long, oh, please, come back to Wheezie. ♪ ''[she laughs while Zak gets angry]'' :'''Max''': Nice song! Too bad it didn't work... ===''To Do or Not to Do'' [1.39a]=== :'''Zak''': Please don't tell me we're really in the stomach of a giant Dragonocerous! :'''Glimmer''': Honey, you're really in the stomach of a giant Dragonocerous. :'''Zak''': I told you not to tell me that! ===''Much Ado About Nodlings'' [1.39b]=== :''[In the grass, the little Nodlings are all arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously in fury and they started kicking and punching over the broken wagon.]'' :'''Max''': Have you ever had a fight what are they saying? :'''Wheezie''': They are have all argued! :''[It is true --true to what Wheezie says. The nodlings are really furious fist, This Challenge Erupted Into A Violence Argument Of Fury, Angry, Mad.]'' :'''Zak''': Because you’ve never seen a fight this broken wagon! :'''Cassie''': And now they don’t have anything to carry their mush trees in! :'''Max''': What’s a mush tree? :'''Ord''': It’s like a war mushroom! Only it’s a war tree. Well, THAT'S a war dragons like us, but to the little Nodlings, these are really huge. And they cut them down, eat their fruit, and chop them up into firewood to keep themselves warm in the winter. But without their wagon, the Nodlings start arguing very angry without anything to carry their mush trees home. And then they would be cold and even worse, heartbreaking! :'''The Giant of Nod''': [Offscreen, Growls Loudly And Then He Violently Fires A Gun To stop an argument, outraged evilly] '''SILENCE!!!!!!!!''' :'''Ord''': ''[frightened]'' It’s the Giant of Nod! :''[The Giant of Nod --furiously-- makes his way through the grass right up to the dragons. He eventually makes it to the pathway. And --almost that quickly-- he furiously storms to the entrance to the nodlings's house where he and the little nodlings stop from fighting.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Huh, I still can’t believe that giant was being so mean, nasty, rude and bossy! :''[Wheezie growls angrily, realizing too late he's been exposed.]'' :'''Zak''': [sternly] You don't scare me. You deliberately disobeyed! :''[The Giant of Nod -- Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Out A Megaphone Very Angry.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[Thunders Angrily From Echoes In His Speaker Into An Rage Outburst To the Little Nodling Military] '''YOU WILL GONNA BE THE NODLING SOLDIERS, I AM THE GIGANTIC BOSSY KING SERGEANT, YOUR HEIRS!!!!!''' :''[The little nodlings salutes their leader --the Giant of Nod-- the wagon that Max broke. The Giant of Nod turns to the little nodlings. And when they --the little nodlings-- snarl and snap at the Giant of Nod what about happened to their wagon --and about a child boy breaking it-- they are very angry. That is, and so is the Giant of Nod. After the nodlings --angrily-- tell their leader the Giant of Nod, the Giant of Nod commands, with orders to march towards this. He --the Giant of Nod-- gets marching orders the little nodlings said to him. And he shakes his fist in rages out of series bossiness to Max, Emmy, and the dragon group, then he angrily screams into his megaphone which get more tense by flinches lividly the old wagon.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[losing control of his rage and yelling from echoes in his speaker, violently stomps on the broken wagon]'' '''YOU WILL JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEIRS IN FIRED!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!''' :'''All''': [in unison, furious loudly] '''SIR, YES, SIR, KING SERGEANT!!!!''' ''[The Giant of Nod --when he angrily screams "'''DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!'''"-- he commands an barking order. After commanding an barking order, everyone --Emmy, Ord, Cassie, and Zak and Wheezie-- in response to him --the Giant of Nod-- look at Max. And they angrily arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' :'''Max''': ''[While Emmy, Ord, Cassie, and Zak and Wheezie arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously and they started kicking and punching each other, then he irritating turns to the Giant of Nod threateningly enraged]'' '''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!''' You are out of order, you jerk!!! You just a show-off and boast, I did because sometimes I'm too bossy!! :''[The Giant of Nod angrily turns to Max.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[from echoes in his speaker --and to Max]'' '''I'M THE BOSSY KING SERGEANT!!! I WILL BOTH YOU AND THEN DWEEB IS STUPID ONE DAY, YOUR GOING TO COMMAND YOU TO GUILTY, I SAY, GUILTY!!! GUILTY, GUILTY!!!! I'LL SMASH YOUR WAGON!!! HEAR ME!?!?''' :''[By the saying of the Giant of Nod, he --even though Max is difficult being angry king when the giant of nod boss everyone into doing frivolous things at the wrong time he was-- says Max from fighting it deliberately. And he demands that Max losing control of his outrage without his little nodlings's wagon immediately.]'' :'''Max''': [mad] '''THAT'S IT!!''' Do this, do that! You're just too bossy to break it. It was way too bossy would never do what you did! Never! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[becoming enraged from echoes in his speaker --and to Max]'' '''QUIET!!! I WILL DESTROY YOU GUYS!!! I’m never let you again! Never, Never, NEVER letting mention that name in my presence, You are one with the order of the Sith Lords. Henceforth, you shall be known as Young Sergeant without hear of you going to FIGHT WITH NO NODLINGS TO CARRY OUR MUSH TREES!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [yelling loudly ticked off] '''I'M GOING TO BE THE KILLER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?! YOU, ARE, FIRED!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [angry] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!''' :'''Max''': [thunders angrily] '''YOU ARE FIRED!!!''' :'''The Giant Of Nod''': [angrily frustration] '''I'D HATE YOU!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [losing control of his outrage, angrily yells] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [loud frustration] '''SHUT UP, JERK!!!''' :'''Max''': [angry roars] '''I WISH I WILL NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [frustration lividly] '''THAT'S IT!! GET THE SARGENT OUT IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!! I'LL SMASH YOUR BROKEN WAGON!!!!!!! :''[So the Giant of Nod is very angry without it; Because he angrily growls, furiously commands the little nodlings having no place to carry their mush trees. That is, as he storms off in anger and says --in unison, enraged echoes on the megaphone-- "'''HE ADMITS MY NODLINGS WITH NO PLACE TO EXPLODE OUR MUSH TREES!!! I'D HATE YOU!!!!!'''". So he barked orders Max to go away without fix his little nodlings's wagon.]'' <hr width="100%"/> :''[At dragon's military school, Sergeant Max commands the nodlings the "wagon section" of his bulldozer so they can carry their mush trees. That is, to replace the broken wagon.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [It sure is becoming angry] Recruits, you've lost your temper, so you become a loser!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! It's your fault because you were going our separate ways forever. So, this is… This is your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight to stomp your guts out! Do you deny it, Max!?! :'''Max''': [salutes] '''Sir, WRONG, sir!! WRONG, sir!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [sighs then smiles to apologizes about being difficult being still wrecked them and the king, even though it was on purpose and boss everyone into doing frivolous things at the wrong time.] Oh, Good. Well Done, Max. Thank You. Now You're Not A Sergeant. You're good, kid. Outstanding! As long as I'm around you're second best. I'm sorry I was barking order at you. It's just take some time cut down more masteries than ever, but together, we will build my nodlings will be able to our army. I'll show them. :'''Max''': I'm sorry I was so cross. :'''The Giant of Nod''': I know you don't like argument because sometimes I'm too bossy. :'''Max''': I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mr. Nod. :'''The Giant of Nod''': [forgives him and accepts his apology, comforting] Me too. ===''Don't Bug Me!'' [1.40a]=== :'''Emmy''': ''[finding Max in the playroom]'' Max? ''[Notices a rubber spider and shrieks]'' :'''Max''': Scared ya! ===''Over and Over'' [1.40b]=== ==Season 2 (2001-2002)== ===''Lucky Stone'' [2.01a]=== :'''Max''': Pilot to co-pilot. Ready for take off. :'''Emmy''': Ready, Captain Max. ( ''grunting'' ) ( ''laughing'' ) :'''Emmy''': Good flying. Now, it's my turn. :'''Max''': I know where we could fly next. :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Hello! Anybody there? :'''Emmy''': Zak? Wheezie? Cassie? :'''Max''': Ord? Where is everybody? Wait. Watch me skip this rock. 2 times! :'''Emmy''': Cool. Let me try. Oh, well. :'''Max''': Whoa! Look at this. :'''Emmy''': It's shaped like a heart. :'''Max''': Watch it jump. Ta-da! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': Aw, it was ''nothing''. ( ''no audio'' ) ( ''whistle blows'' ) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Max''': Watch me fly! :'''Emmy''': Max, what are you doing? :'''Max''': 3 loop-de-loops, 4 aerial zig-zags, and a round-spring-back-hand-off! ===''The Mefirst Wizard'' [2.01b]=== ===''Cassie Catches Up'' [2.02a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''[sighs]'' I feel so bad I let Emmy down. :''[first lines]'' :'''Emmy''': [making shadow puppets] See? This one's a dog and this one's a rabbit. Can you guess what this one is? :'''Max''': Um, a bat? :'''Emmy''': Right! And he's coming to get you... :''[last lines]'' :'''Max''': We could have a jumping contest and a spinning with your eyes shut contest. :'''Mom''': Max! Emmy! Time for lunch! :'''Emmy''': How about a contest to see who can eat the most spaghetti? :'''Max''': I'd win that! :'''Emmy''': Not if I get the spaghetti first! :'''Max''': Heh heh, wait up! ===''Very Berry'' [2.02b]=== :''[first lines]'' :'''Max''': Hey, look, Emmy. I have a banana nose. :'''Emmy''': Hold on. I've almost finished my book. Are you done with your puzzle yet? :''[last lines]'' :'''Max and Emmy''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Hey, look out the window! It's started to rain. And you know what that means. :'''Max''': Lots and lots of mud puddles! :'''Emmy''': Wait for me! :'''Ord''': Ohh... ''[his stomach starts making very loud noises]'' I've ate so many berries before... Should I... or shouldn't I? Well, maybe just a little bite. :'''Max''': My Daddy once read me a story where a bear who got stuck in a hole. 'Cause he too much honey. :'''Zak''': Really? How did he get out? :'''Max''': He stayed there until he got thin again, then he popped out! ===''Finders Keepers'' [2.03a]=== ===''Remember the Pillow Fort'' [2.03b]=== :'''Wheezie''': ♪ The wind blows a breezy through Wheezie's treezies... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[annoying]'' Ohhhhhh... If I hear another song about the wind blowing through something like... Ohhhhhh... :'''Wheezie''': ''[repentant]'' Oh... You right, you right. :'''Max''': Hi, Zak and Wheezie, what's wrong? :'''Wheezie''': Oh, hi, Max. We're supposed to bring a new song to our music lesson tomorrow and it's supposed to be about feelings, but we can't think of anything good. :'''Zak''': And we've been trying for days! :'''Wheezie''': Oh!... oh!... oh!... How about...? ♪ Ord is tall and Max is short, they both built a pillow fort... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Wheezie, feelings, like happy and sad! :'''Wheezie''': I know, I know... :'''Ord''': '''MAX, I CAN'T FIND ANYMORE PURPLE PILLOWS, I THINK YOU USED THEM ALL UP!''' :'''Max''': That's because I'm making a purple fort and you're making a red fort, Ord. :'''Ord''': But I wanted to make a tunnel just like yours! :'''Max''': '''BUT YOU CAN'T, PURPLE'S MY COLOR AND RED IS YOURS!''' :'''Ord''': '''FINE!''' I've never like purple anyway. :'''Max''': '''WHAT'S WRONG WITH PURPLE?! PURPLE'S BETTER THAN RED!''' :'''Ord''': '''NUH-UH! RED IS BETTER THAN PURPLE!''' :'''Max''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Ord''': '''IS TOO!''' :''[is repeated]'' :'''Zak''': Oh! Now this is good! :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': ♪ Is not! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Is too... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ Is not! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Is too... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ I'm mad! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Mad at you. ♪ :'''Max''': '''PURPLE'S GOOD!''' :'''Ord''': '''RED IS BETTER!''' :'''Emmy''': What are you yelling about? :'''Ord''': '''MAX AND I ARE HAVING A FIGHT!''' :'''Cassie''': What about? :'''Max''': '''ORD THINKS IS RED FORT IS BETTER THAN MY PURPLE FORT!''' :'''Ord''': '''MAX THINKS IS PURPLE FORT IS BETTER THAN MY RED FORT!''' :'''Emmy''': Why fight? Both of your forts are nice. :'''Cassie''': Yeah! They look great! :'''Max''': But don't you think purple's great, Cassie? :'''Ord''': But red is nice is too, Emmy, just like apples! I know you like apples! :'''Emmy''': Well, red is pretty nice. Just look at it, Cassie... :'''Cassie''': But that purple is the same color as grapes. I love grapes. :'''Emmy''': '''YOU'RE WRONG! PURPLE ISN'T BETTER THAN RED!''' :'''Cassie''': '''I'M NOT WRONG!''' :''[They both regret their fight]'' :'''Cassie''': Wait! Why are we fighting? :'''Emmy''': Ah... Let's go back and play hospital. ''[both withdraw]'' :'''Zak''': Oooooh! Let's put that in! :'''Wheezie''': Okie-dokie! :'''Max''': Come back! :'''Ord''': '''YEAH! YOU NEVER TOLD US WHICH ONE YOU LIKED BEST!''' Ooooohhhhh... Max... This isn't any fun... I don't want to fight with you. :'''Max''': Me either. :'''Ord''': Really? Then you think red is better too? :'''Max''': '''NO WAY!''' Purple's better... :'''Both''': ''[sad]'' Awwwwwwwww... :'''Ord''': How are we gonna stop fighting, Max? :'''Max''': I don't know. :''[Zak and Wheezie they return happy with an good new]'' :'''Zak''': We finally have our song! And it's full of feelings thanks to you two, listen! :'''Wheezie''': We used to have fun all day! :'''Zak''': We were happy and we played! :'''Wheezie''': ''[as both they get angry]'' Now we're sad and we fight... :'''Zak''': From the morning till the night...! :''[They repeat all the above]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''THANKS, ORD! THANKS, MAX!''' :''[Both withdraw very happy]'' :'''Max''': Zak and Wheezie are right, Ord, we used to have fun all day! We used to slide down the biggest mountains. :'''Ord''': It was cold that day! :'''Max''': And make music that everyone could dance to. :'''Ord''': And we cooked yummy things in the kitchen. And played hide and snow seek till it was practically dark! :'''Max''': Didn't we have a great time? And we'd fly everywhere on our magic carpet. :'''Ord''': That was fun! :'''Max''': And grab on the clouds that pull us way up into the sky! :'''Ord''': And we made sandcastles and sandbombs... and sandwiches... :'''Max''': ''[laughs]'' And you taught me how to swing on the jungle gym. :'''Ord''': And you helped me learn to ride a bike. '''AND I WAS SO SURPRISED ON MY BIRTHDAY...!''' :'''Max''': Ord, I want to be friends again, but I still like purple. :'''Ord''': And I still like red... :'''Max''': Come on, I know a way we can both get what we want. :''[They both build a new fort with the red and purple pillows together and Cassie and Emmy peek out from behind a bush.]'' :'''Emmy''': What? :''[Max and Ord finish setting up the fort and Emmy waves to them]'' :'''Max''': Come on down, you guys, come play in our new fort! :'''Ord''': It's got lots of tunnels... :'''Emmy''': But how did you two stop fighting so fast? :'''Ord''': We used both our favorite colors and we made a really great fort. '''HURRY UP!''' :'''Emmy and Cassie''': '''WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!''' ''[laughs]'' ===''Big Funky Cloud'' [2.04a]=== :'''Emmy''': Yippee! We did it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Look out! :'''All''': Watch out! :'''Ord''': Whoa! ===''Copy Cat'' [2.04b]=== :'''Kids''': ( ''in unison'' ) I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme to go home, until next time. :'''Mom''': ( ''shouts in the house at once'' ) ''Max! Emmy! I just got back time the market. Does anyone want the juice pop?'' :'''Kids''': ( ''in unison'' ) I do! ( ''both laughing'' ) ===''One Big Wish'' [2.05a]=== :'''Emmy''': '''MAX, YOU JUST GREW AGAIN!''' :'''Ord''': '''YOU'RE AS BIG AS MUNGUS THE GIANT, AND THAT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BIG!''' :'''Max''': Better put these away, Wheezie, I don’t want to accidentally... :''[Max grabs the bats but ends up crushing them to pieces]'' :'''Max''': ...break them. :'''Wheezie''': ''[very annoyed]'' '''HEY! BIG GUY!''' :'''Zak''': ''[also annoyed]'' '''NICE GOING, MAX...!''' ===''Breaking Up is Hard to Do'' [2.05b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''STOOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIIT...!''' I just hate when you guys, especially over this... ''what do you call it.'' :'''Zak''': Yeah! Plus all this noise is giving me a headache! :'''Emmy''': I think I how to settle this. :'''Max''': Okay... :'''Ord''': How, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': We'll play ''"eeny, meeny, miny, moe"''. :'''Ord''': What's that? It sounds scary! :'''Emmy''': ''[laugh]'' Don't worry, Ord, it won't be scary, I'll see a rhyme and with each word i'll point to one of you and then the other. Whoever I'm pointing to when the rhyme ends, gets to take the piece home first. :'''Max''': Well, okay... :'''Ord''': I guess so... :'''Emmy''': Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a dragon by the toe, if he hollers let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, moe. :''[Max tries to put himself in Ord's place]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angry]'' '''MAX!''' :'''Ord''': '''HOORAY, I'M WIN!''' :'''Max''': Fine... :'''Ord''': I'm going to show my mummy right away. ===''A New Friend'' [2.06a]=== ===''Have No Fear'' [2.06b]=== :'''Max''': Too broken, too bouncy, too big. ===''Cassie the Green-Eyed Dragon'' [2.07a]=== ===''Something's Missing'' [2.07b]=== ===''A Crown for Princess Kidoodle'' [2.08a]=== :'''Emmy''': I'm so full. I don't think I'll be able to eat again for three days. :'''Mom''': Emmy! Max! Dinner! :''[kids giggle]'' ===''Three's a Crowd'' [2.08b]=== ===''Knuck Knuck, Who's Where?'' [2.09a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''Uh-oh. Which way?'' :'''Max''': ''[distant]'' ''Emmy. Where are you, Emmy?'' :'''Zak''': ''Where are you?'' :'''Max''': ''Cassie.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': There we're so many different ways to go. So, we mark the paths and we ask for directions, too. ===''Just Desserts'' [2.09b]=== :''[Mungus is sobbing]'' :'''Zak''': Look, it's Mungus. ===''Dragonberry Drought'' [2.10a]=== ===''A Snowman for All Seasons'' [2.10b]=== :'''Mom''': ''Emmy, Max, I think you have spent enough time inside today. Why don't you go outside and some fresh air? You can play in the snow.'' ===''I Believe in Me'' [2.11a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''[gasps]'' Emmy, Max. ===''Bye Bye Baby Birdie'' [2.11b]=== ===''Back to the Storybook'' [2.12a]=== :'''Emmy''': Come on, Max. Today's the day Cassie bringing Kiki and Finn to the School in the Sky. :'''Max''': I'm ready. I was waiting for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Kiki, Finn, you must be quiet! I'm sorry, Quetzal. Stop! :'''Bryce''': No! Cassie! Let's get out of here! :'''Cassie''': I think, they're tired of play with the toys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Emmy wants to know what the sad face --on Goldilocks-- is for. That is, as she --Emmy-- asks Goldilocks...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[to Goldilocks]'' What is the matter, Goldilocks? :'''Goldilocks''': ''[before crying]'' I bumped into the dining room table. And I spilled all the porridge! :''[Goldilocks cries --after the accident she just made with the porridge.]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[crying]'' '''BOO HOO!''' :''[Max, he says to Goldilocks...!]'' :'''Max''': All three bowls? :''[And Goldilocks says...!]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[in between tears]'' Yes. I cleaned up the mess. :''[After she --Goldilocks-- says this, she shows the group one of the porridge bowls. Then she says to Max and the rest of the gang...!]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[in between tears]'' But now there is no porridge left to eat! :''[Goldilocks resumes crying.]'' ===''Dragon Scouts'' [2.12b]=== ===''The Serpent's Trail'' [2.13a]=== :'''Norm''': That’s for me to know and for you to figure out. ''[laughs]'' By solving this puzzle. So far today, I’ve seen six different faces, including yours. So have I seen Cyrus or not? :'''Wheezie''': Can you say it again? :'''Norm''': Sure. So far today, I’ve seen six different faces, including yours. ''[laugh]'' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Max''': So that's why Cyrus took your detective kit, Emmy... :'''Ord''': To help him find the girls eggs! :'''Emmy''': Of course! My magnifying glass would help them spot the tiny little holes where the eggs are hidden. :'''Max''': We have to find Cyrus. :'''Ord''': We have to stop him! :'''Wheezie''': We have to save of itty-bitty eggs! :'''Max''': ''[listen to Cyrus]'' There he is...! :''[The gang runs to catch it]'' :'''Cyrus''': Come on, my dear little eggies... I know you're around here somewhere... Ah-ha! ''[dig in the sand]'' My treasure... Eggs, eggs and more eggs...! :''[The gang finally catches him]'' :'''Cyrus''': Oh, oh... :'''Emmy''': That's '''MY''' detective kit, Cyrus... :'''Cyrus''': You're right, sorry, I never should have taken it without asking you... Here. ''[he gives her back the detective kit and starts taking the eggs]'' :'''Cassie''': Those aren't your eggs either, Cyrus! :'''Cyrus''': But... but-but-but...! :'''Everyone''': ''[in chorus]'' '''CYRUS!''' :'''Cyrus''': Oh, alright. ''[puts the eggs down]'' Can't I have just one itty-bitty egg...? :'''Everyone''': ''[in chorus]'' '''NO!''' :'''Cyrus''': '''JUM!''' Fool... ''[leaves feeling angry and muttering to himself under his breath]'' ===''Head Over Heels'' [2.13b]=== :'''Max''': Emmy, remember, it's "ready, hand-hand, foot-foot." Not, "hand-hand, foot-bottom." ===''Sticky Situation'' [2.14a]=== ===''Green Thumbs'' [2.14b]=== ===''Teasing is Not Pleasing'' [2.15a]=== ===''Team Work'' [2.15b]=== :'''Ord''': Max! Emmy! Know any jokes? ''[hugging them]'' :'''Max''': Why? :''[Ord tickles Emmy and Max and they both laugh]'' :'''Ord''': Because the giggle flowers are in bloom! :'''Wheezie''': I looooove giggle flowers, they're so... giggly! ''[laugh]'' :'''Cassie''': They'll laugh at anybody's jokes, even mine. :'''Zak''': Wanna pick some? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. <hr width="45%"/> :'''Max''': If I had giggle flowers seeds, I'd plant them all over the place. :'''Ord''': That wouldn't work, giggle flowers only grow in hard to find places, because they're shy. :'''Wheezie''': I know how to find them... :'''Emmy''': How? :'''Wheezie''': I'll show you. Who has a knock-knock joke? :'''Max''': Hum... Knock, knock... :'''Wheezie''': Who's there? :'''Max''': Cargo. :'''Wheezie''': Cargo who? :'''Max''': Cargo beat, beat! :''[Wheezie laugh, listening the laughing flowers and Zak covers her snout]'' :'''Wheezie''': I think are you one! ''[laugh]'' :'''Zak''': How could you be sure what you're talking all the time? Shhhhhhhhhh! :''[They both go over to look inside the bush, they open it and find a stinkydink.]'' :'''Both''': ''[in chorus]'' '''A STINKYDINK!''' <hr width="45%"/> :'''Zak''': '''GROSS! STICKY YUCKY SPIDER THREADS!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''YOU MADE ME RUN INTO A SPIDER WEB!''' :'''Zak''': '''ME?! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LOOKING WHERE WE WERE GOING!''' :''[They both see their badges moving away]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''OUR BADGES!''' ''[worried]'' They're gone. Oh, Zak... If we don't stop arguing our badges just won't shine and we'll never get them back. :'''Zak''': You're right. :'''Wheezie''': On a count of three, both of us will grab the top of the spider web and pull it! Ready? One, two... :'''Zak''': Wait! Wait. Is it ''"one, two, hold on three"'' or ''"one, two, three"'', pull! :'''Wheezie''': No, Zak... It's ''"one, two, three, then pull."'' Okay? Here we go. :''[They both hold the spider web]'' :'''Wheezie''': One, two, three, pull! <hr width="45%"/> :'''Ord''': ''[hugging to Zak and Wheezie]'' Oh, thank goodness we found you...! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': '''OH, ORD! YOU'RE SQUISHING! LITTLE LESS GLAD WOULD BE GOOD! OH, NOW! OOH! OW!''' ===''On Thin Ice'' [2.16a]=== :'''Emmy''': Hurry, Max. I'm ready. :'''Max''': Found them. I wonder why Quetzal asked us to bring our ice skates today. :'''Emmy''': There's only one way to find out. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly to dragons in a land apart. :'''Kids''': ===''The Shape of Things to Come'' [2.16b]=== :''[For the circle key to Crystal the Door, Max sees a green lizard round orange spots. The lizard, he appears smiling. And the lizard, his spots are indeed shaped like a circle. The lizard smiles in a friendly smile. Then Max talks to the lizard.]'' :'''Max''': ''[to the lizard]'' Excuse me, Mr. Lizard? Can we maybe borrow one of your spots? We promise to bring it right back. :'''Mr. Lizard''': ''[laughs mockingly]'' '''HA!''' :''[Then he gets into a bullying tone. And --after Max asks him if he can borrow one of his spots because they are a circle-- he says to Max...!]'' :'''Mr. Lizard''': ''[continues --and in between laughs]'' '''OH SURE! AFTER YOU LET ME BORROW YOUR NOSE!''' :''[The lizard laughs mockingly, resumes laughing, and walks away. That is, after he says to Max that he --Max-- can borrow one of his spots as soon as he --Max-- lets him borrow his nose. Max --in response to the lizard-- pinches his nose and tries to keep the lizard from borrowing it. That is, since he does not want to fall for the lizard's joke.]'' ===''Hide and Can't Seek'' [2.17a]=== ===''The Art of Patience'' [2.17b]=== ===''So Long Solo'' [2.18a]=== ===''Hands Together'' [2.18b]=== :'''Dragons''': Happy Dragontines Day! ''[hug them]'' :'''Emmy''': And look what we brought! Dragontines for everybody! :'''Cassie''': We have cards for you too! :''[They all cheer and hand out the Dragontines as Quetzal comes over]'' :'''Quetzal''': Hola, Max and Emmy. Will you be joining us for the Happy Hearts recital this morning? :'''Ord''': It's a show that we put on for everyone we love every Dragontines Day. We sing songs and do dances. It'’s really fun, and... :'''Wheezie''': And we'd loooove it if you two would boogie down with us! :'''Emmy''': Definitely! :'''Quetzal''': I'll see you onstage, then. Adiós, niños. ''[leaves]'' :'''Wheezie''': Listen up, everybody, Zaky and I have a terrific idea! We want to sing a song that Quetzal taught us! :'''Zak''': There's a dance that goes with the song. And we can teach you how to do it. :'''Ord''': My mommy's gonna love that. :''[Changes to the playground where they gather to rehearse.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Okey-dokey, artichokies! The song is called ''"Los Pollitos"''. :'''Emmy''': I know that song! My Tía Carmen taught it to me when I was little. ''"Los Pollitos"'' means "little chicks." :'''Wheezie''': Right you are! And the little chicks are all cold and hungry. Brr! :'''Emmy''': But their mom finds some food and a warm blanket for them. :'''Wheezie''': Did your Tía teach you the dance too? :'''Emmy''': She sure did. :'''Zak''': Perfect! So why don't we show everyone how it goes? :'''Wheezie''': A-one... A-two and a-one, two, three! :''[Emmy, Zak and Wheezie perform the "Los Pollitos" dance]'' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :''[Moves: "Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio": Stand on one foot, then flap arms like a chick while stamping feet. "Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio": Stand still and rub belly, cross arms and shiver in place. "Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos": Flap arms and stamp feet again while spinning. "Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos": Pretend to sleep with head against arms, then rock arms back and forth.]'' :'''Cassie''': That looks fun! :'''Ord''': Yeah, let's all try it now! :'''Zak''': In English this time. :''[They all dance and Ord stumbles]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ :''[Ord knocks Max and Cassie to the ground and they laugh.]'' :'''Zak''': Pretty good for the first time. Want to try it again? :'''Cassie''': Yeah! :'''Emmy''': Sure! :'''Ord''': You bet we do! :''[The song restarts, all but Ord dances and he stumbles again.]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :'''Emmy''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ ''[hugs Cassie and laughs]'' :'''Ord''': Hey, that dance is hard! :'''Emmy''': Why don't we try it again? You'’ll catch on. :'''Ord''': I hope so. :'''Cassie''': I have an idea! What if we try the dance again a little slower, one line at a time? :'''Ord''': Okay. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Here we go! ♪ Los pollitos dicen... ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say... ♪ :'''Max''': Get ready to flap. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen hambre..." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry"... ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ And too cold to sleep." ♪ :'''Ord''': Hey, I did it! I did the dance! :'''Emmy''': Ready to try it all together now? :'''Ord''': You betcha! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry, and too cold to sleep" ♪ :'''Ord''': Wait. I'm stuck! I can do the parts of the dance, but it's hard to do them all together! Maybe if I watch you guys do it all the way through again, that'll help... :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ :'''Ord''': Okay, I think I got it. Let's try it! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen hambre..." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry"... ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ And too cold to sleep." ♪ :'''Ord''': Whoa! ''[he stumbles]'' :'''Emmy''': Are you okay, Ord? :'''Ord''': Yes, but it's almost time for the Happy Hearts recital and I'm never gonna learn this dance never, ever, ever... :'''Max''': ''[while Zak, Wheezie, Cassie and Emmy gasps]'' Ord, wait! :'''Emmy''': Come back! <hr width="100%"/> :'''Ord''': I really want to join my friends in the show, but I just ''can't'' do the dance right. ( ''song hums'' ) Clap, stomp. Oh! It's ''no'' use! :'''Quetzal''': Hola, Ord. You dropped. "To my mommy, love you lots. From, Ord.'' Your mother will be so happy that you made this for her. :'''Ord''': Thank you. :'''Quetzal''': Are you going to give it to your mother after the recital? :'''Ord''': No. I'm ''not'' going to the recital, because I tried and I tried, but, the dance is too hard. ===''Sneezy Does It'' [2.19a]=== ===''Try It, You'll Like It'' [2.19b]=== ===''Just for Laughs'' [2.20a]=== :''[About the tickle monsters. Kiki and Finn agreed with the group that the remaining custard eggs were in the Giant of Nod's magic box. So they accidentally let the tickle monsters out.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[to the Giant of Nod]'' Did you say "Tickle Monsters"? :'''Giant of Nod''': ''[to Emmy]'' '''YES! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID! AND THOSE TICKLE MONSTERS, THEY ATE UP ALL OUR FOOD!''' ===''Give Zak a Hand'' [2.20b]=== :'''Zak''': Sure! ===''Make No Mistake'' [2.21a]=== ===''The Balancing Act'' [2.21b]=== :'''Emmy''': I love my new skateboard, but, I'll ''never'' be able to ride it if this rain doesn't stop. :'''Max''': I know a place where you can ride it, Emmy. :'''Kids''': Dragon Land! I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme, to go back home, until next time. :'''Emmy''': Whew. No more skateboarding today. :'''Max''': You can help me build my log tower, if you want. Whoa! It's gonna fall and make a mess! :'''Emmy''': You just need to add a log here, so, each side has the same number of logs ( ''British accent'' ) for the perfect balance. ===''Room for Change'' [2.22a]=== ===''The Sorrow and the Party'' [2.22b]=== ===''The Grudge Won't Budge'' [2.23a]=== ===''Putting the Fun in Fun Houses'' [2.23b]=== ===''Puzzlewood'' [2.24a]=== :'''Max''': Come on, Emmy, let's finish our jigsaw puzzle. The piece that fits here is big at the top and small at the bottom. Look, Emmy, I found it. :'''Emmy''': Me, oh, my, it's my favorite. ===''Let's Dance'' [2.24b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''IT'S A MUSIC BOX! LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Well, I don't love it that music's making me dance, and I can't stop! :'''Wheezie''': But dancing's fun, Zaky, and look at you go you're dancing up a storm. '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Uh... It maybe fun for you, Wheezie, but I don't want to dance. Where are we going? :'''Wheezie''': It's me... :'''Zak''': Arrrghhhh... But we're supposed to guard the other boxes! :'''Wheezie''': Oh, all right, I'll close the box now... Zak, it won't close! :'''Zak''': Uh... Let my try. ''[try to close the box]'' I can't close it either and if we don't we'll keep dancing. :'''Wheezie''': Come on, little boxy, please, close... :'''Zak''': Oh, great, now what? :''[They both leave with the music box dancing ballet along the way]'' :'''Zak''': Maybe Quetzal could help us. :'''Wheezie''': '''QUETZAL, HEEEEEEEEEELP!''' :''[Quetzal sees them dancing from the school window and greets them]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''BUT WE'RE TOO FAR AWAY HE CAN'T HEAR US!''' :'''Zak''': '''WAVE HARDER, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!''' :''[Quetzal looks at them through the window again and withdraws]'' :'''Wheezie''': Oh, no! What do we do? :'''Zak''': '''PANIC! CAUSE WE'RE DOOMED TO DANCE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFES!!!!!!!! WHEEZIE, I'M REALLY TIRED OF THE SONG!''' :'''Wheezie''': Did tell the truth... ''[sighing]'' I'm tired of dancing too... :''[The pace of the song slows down]'' :'''Zak''': Do you hear what I hear? :'''Wheezie''': The music seems to be stopping, let's try to close the box again... '''WE DID IT!''' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Zak''': Now leave those boxes alone, Wheezie, every time you open one, we get in big trouble! :'''Wheezie''': No more peaking, Zak, i promise... <hr width="85%"/> :'''Greta''': Hello, everyone, my hat and I are back it last! :'''Wheezie''': '''I DID IT! THE WHOLE TIME WE WHERE PLAYING I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE STRIPY BOX ONCE!''' :'''Zak''': Here you go, Greta, your boxes. :'''Greta''': Thank you for watching them... :'''Wheezie''': Hmmmmmmm... Well... Actually... I couldn't wait and I opened two of them. :'''Greta''': '''YOU DID?!''' But you shouldn't have opened them without my permission. :'''Wheezie''': I know, and I'm sorry. I'm trying to learn how to wait. :'''Greta''': Well... I know how hard it is to wait. But sometimes, waiting for a surprise makes it even more fun when you finally see what it is. :'''Wheezie''': May I open the box now, please? :'''Greta''': Yes, you may. :'''Wheezie''': Any special rules? :'''Greta''': Nope, go right ahead... :''[Wheezie opens the box and to everyone's surprise colorful streamers come out]'' :'''Greta''': But there's another secret to this little box, pull your streamer when I say these special words: ''"Gravity Green!"'' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Cassie''': It was so much fun! :'''Ord, Emmy and Max''': Thanks, Greta. :'''Zak''': See, if you went ahead and opened the box, we wouldn't have known the special words, and we would have missed the merry-go ride. :'''Wheezie''': I'm so glad I was finally able to wait. :'''Cassie''': Wheezie, your badge! :'''Wheezie''': Oh, boy! Look, Zaky, look! :'''Zak''': That good going, Wheezie! :''[They both hug each other]'' ==Season 3 (2005)== ===''To Fly with a New Friend, Part 1'' [3.01a]=== :''[first lines]'' :'''Max''': ''[imitates galloping hooves as he plays with his horse]'' Giddy-up! Yee-haw! I thought Enrique was coming over to play, Emmy. :'''Emmy''': He is, Max. Isn't it great having a new friend living next door? :'''Max''': Yeah. :''[knocking on the door is heard.]'' :'''Emmy and Max''': Come in! :''[the door opens and Enrique comes in the playroom.]'' :'''Emmy''': Hi! :'''Max''': Hi, Enrique! :'''Enrique''': ''Hola!'' ''Que tal?'' :'''Emmy''': Great! :'''Max''': How's it going? :'''Enrique''': ''Bien.'' Okay... I guess. :'''Max''': ''[offers another horse toy]'' Wanna play cowboy? :'''Enrique''': ''[grabs the horse toy]'' I have an uncle who is a real-life cowboy. A ''vaquero''. I used to ride horses with him back home. :'''Max''': Was that in [[Mexico]]? That's where our ''abuelita (Spanish for: grandma)'' is from. :'''Enrique''': No, in [[Columbia]]. But then we moved to [[Puerto Rico]], and I didn't get to ride so much. ''[pause; Emmy and Max look at him confused and skeptical]'' You guys would ''love'' Puerto Rico! You could play on the beach and swim, and... ''[sighs sadly]'' :'''Emmy''': You really miss it, huh? :'''Enrique''': ''A veces.'' Uh, sometimes. It's so different [[United States|here]], and it's just hard. :'''Max''': But you speak English really good. :'''Emmy''': "Really ''well''". :''[Max glares at her.]'' :'''Enrique''': It's not that, it's just... I don't know. I've tried to make friends at school but all the kids all know each other already. And they all talk about stuff I don't know anything about. :'''Max''': Anything you want to know about, I'm an expert! :'''Emmy''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, brother! :'''Enrique''': ''Gracias'', Max. I just wish there was a place where everyone was as friendly as you and Emmy. :'''Max''': We know a place like that! :'''Emmy''': ''[whispers]'' Max! ''[glares at him]'' :'''Max''': ''[whispers]'' Why can't we take Enrique there? :'''Emmy''': Because we... we just can't. ''[Max smiles at her]'' Well, maybe. I guess. ''[smiles]'' Definitely! :'''Max''': ''[giggles]'' :''[Emmy runs to the drawer and Max follows her. She opens the drawer, picks up the case and opens it, revealing the magic dragon scale.]'' :'''Enrique''': Wow, that is so beautiful! ''Que es eso? (Spanish for: What's that?]'' :'''Max''': It's a dragon scale! :'''Enrique''': ''[chuckles]'' Sure, right. Seriously, what makes it glow like that? :'''Max''': It's magical. It takes us to a place called Dragon Land. :'''Enrique''': Come on! ''[Emmy and Max smile at him]'' Okay, so how does it work? :'''Emmy''': Well, Max and I hold the scale and say: ''I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart.'' And whoosh, we're there! :'''Max''': ''[picks out the scale]'' You want to try? :''[Enrique is hesitant as first but shrugs and decides to give it a try as he, Emmy and Max hold the scale together.]'' :'''Emmy and Max''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart... :'''Enrique''': I wish, I wish, with all I've got... :'''Emmy''': No, it's ''"with all my heart"''! :'''Enrique''': Ah, ''corazon''! Heart! Sorry! :''[Emmy, Max and Enrique hold the scale together.]'' :'''Emmy, Max and Enrique''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. :''[The scale shines bright.]'' :'''Enrique''': ''[gasps]'' :''[The dragon tapestries come to life and leap off the wallpaper, and spin around Emmy, Max and Enrique as the three are surrounded in a colorful sparkling light.]'' :'''Enrique''': What? Whoa! No way! :''[Emmy, Max and Enrique transport to Dragon Land.]'' <hr width="85%"/> :''[Zak and Wheezie fly in.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, I just loooove making a new friend... Hello! I'm Wheezie, and this is my brother, Zak! :'''Enrique''': Ah... Ohhhhh... Hello, I'm... '''YOU HAVE TWO HEADS!''' :'''Zak''': Yeah. Hers does most to the talking, mine does most to the thinking! ''[laugh]'' :'''Wheezie''': Oh, Zaky... Ooh, I almost forgot! Quetzal sent us to find you, he need us for something veeeery important... :'''Enrique''': Quetzal? :'''Cassie''': He's our teacher at the school in the sky, Enrique... :'''Max''': Come on! You'll really like him... :''[Max rides Ord and Emmy rides Cassie.]'' :'''Zak''': You can ride in us, Enrique... :'''Enrique''': Ride on a dragon's back? :'''Max''': Of course. :'''Enrique''': Okay, I've read in horses this can't be that much more difficult. ''[rides Zak and Wheezie]'' :'''Zak''': Hang on tight, Enrique! :'''Enrique''': Okay... You're not gonna run too fast are you? :'''Zak''': Who said anything about running? :'''Wheezie''': You're gonna fly! ===''To Fly with a New Friend, Part 2'' [3.01b]=== :'''Enrique''': Where are we now? :'''Ord''': Don't know, Enrique... Some kind of garden... :'''Cassie''': And it's full of knucker holes. :'''Zak''': Mystery solved. The knuckle holes disappear, some kind of magic brought him here. :'''Emmy''': But who did the magic? :'''Quanita''': That would be me... ''[comes down from the tree using his magic wand]'' Hi. I'm Quanita, junior wizard, uh... in training. :'''Wheezie''': '''AM I MAD!''' :'''Max''': Yeah, cause you shouldn't take what doesn't belong you! That's not right. :'''Quanita''': Oh, I am so sorry, let me explain. :'''Zak''': Oh... To this oughta be good... :'''Quanita''': Easy... The head wizard asked me to plant all these speckled trees, but it would take me forever to dig holes for all of them... :'''Ord''': There sure are a lot of them... :'''Quanita''': So I waved my wand and made a wish for holes to plant them in, and well, these are what appeared. Huh... I am afraid I am not a good wizard. :''[Everyone looks worried]'' :'''Zak''': Ahhhhh... Anybody can make a mistake, with she makes them constantly. :'''Wheezie''': '''SURE DO...!''' :'''Cassie''': Maybe you just need practice, Quanita. :'''Quanita''': You think? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Quanita''': I'll reverse the wish and send all the knuckle holes back. :'''Zak''': Get ready to jump everybody, we're going home with the knuckle holes! :'''Enrique''': Wait! Before we go, we can help Quanita plant her trees. :'''Emmy''': That's the great idea, Enrique, it's a big job for one little wizard. :'''Enrique''': Can you make a wish for shovels? :'''Quanita''': I can try... :'''Max''': You did it! :'''Wheezie''': '''LET'S GET TICKING!''' ===''Rise and Bloom'' [3.02a]=== :'''Max''': Come on, little guys. Rise and bloom. Hmm. I think then need a little moe help waking up. :''[all join in, singing in Spanish]'' ===''Super Snow Day'' [3.02b]=== ===''Musical Scales'' [3.03a]=== :'''Zak''': You heard, Wheezie! We aren't here! Oops! I mean, Wheezie and I aren't...! Oh! Oh, I give up. :'''Wheezie''': Awwwwwwww... I had them fooled until you put our foot in your mouth... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': Our song is called ''"El Coqui"'', the frog! :'''Enrique''': I taught them that song ''en español'' and english. :''[Music playing]'' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ My Coqui, little frog, how I love you... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ For your song is be comfort and peace... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Every night I can go to sleep happy... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ When I hear lullabies from Coqui. ♪ :'''Both''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Zak''': '''OH! OW! OH!''' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Enrique''': I didn't teach you this part. :'''Zak''': ''[jumping]'' '''OOH! AHH!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[jumping]'' '''AAH! OOOH!''' :'''Zak''': Can you feel that? Uhh. Itchy! Ah! :'''Cassie''': I think we'd better try something else. Hmmmmm... Maybe we could cover up the bald spots. :'''Max''': With what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Why didn't I ever think of wearing all my fancy clothes at the same time before? :'''Zak''': Because we look like someone dumped a laundry basketover our heads... This almost looks worse than shedding. :''[Ord, Cassie and Emmy laugh]'' :'''Max''': No! You look like rock stars really. Play! :''[Music playing]'' :'''Zak''': ♪ My Coqui, little frog, how I love you... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ For your song is be comfort and peace... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[concerned]'' ♪ A belt has come loose and it's slipping... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Well, grab it before it falls off. ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ Oh! ♪ Coqui, qui, qui... ♪ '''YOW!''' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Zak''': '''WOW!''' :''[They both fall to the floor]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': '''WHOA!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' Oh, sorry. I can't help it! :'''Zak''': That is a b-a-d haircut. ===''Hand in Hand'' [3.03b]=== :'''Enrique''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': Hey! :'''Max''': Ow! :''[Enrique gasps]'' :'''Zak''' and '''Wheezie''': 1, 2, 3, pull! Pull! :'''Enrique''': Pare! Stop! What are you doing? ===''Sky Soccer'' [3.04a]=== :'''Ord''': Wow! That looks like so much fun! I can't wait to be on the team... :'''Emmy''': Have you ever played sky soccer before, Ord? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': ''[annoyed]'' '''WELL, DON'T TAKE ALL DAY!''' :'''Zak''': Okay, okay, here goes nothing...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': I'm not sure I can remember all that. ===''Itching for a Cure'' [3.05a]=== :'''Emmy''': ''Careful.'' :'''Max''': ''I am.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enrique''': Sorry, I'm late. :'''Emmy''' and '''Max''': Huh? :'''Enrique''': ''[speaks in Spanish]'' ''Sorry.'' I didn't mean to knock down your card house. :'''Emmy''': That's okay, Enrique. :'''Max''': Yeah, we we're just practicing for the big house of cards we're gonna build in Dragon Land. ===''The Big Race'' [3.05b]=== ===''Max Loves a Train'' [3.06b]=== :'''Max''': All aboooooard!!! Choooooooo, Choooooooo!!! Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga! :'''Enrique''': Wow, Max. What a cool model train set from hobby lobby! :'''Emmy''': [imitating engine's wheels & whistles as a steam train] Choo, choo, choo, choo, Woo-woo! Max loves steam engine trains going down by the station, Enrique. :'''Max''': Yeah, and today, we get to ride the Dragon Land Express. Chug, chug, Whoo, whoo, Off we go! :'''Enrique''': I know. I can't wait about pufferbellies. A Pufferbelly is a big old train with a steam engine. Choo-choo-choo-choo. :'''Emmy''': [giggles then she have a great idea to wear bandannas, engineer caps, and gloves, to Enrique and Max for help in pretend play] Should we sing "Down by the Station"? :'''Max and Enrique''': [nods their heads in agreement, smiley] Yes! We agreed! We agreed! Choo-choo!! :'''Emmy''': [giggles] OK. [making train sounds] Chug, chug, toot, toot Go To The DragonLand! [They puts both hands on her shoulders] All aboard! Puff, puff, woo, woo, Let's go for Ride! [she imitating train noise from the down by the station song] Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! :'''Emmy, Max and Enrique''': [chugging with the dragon scale as a train, puffing out smoke with the tune of the song makes the dragons on the wall come to life and made the magic tunnel and the very railroad whistle sounds on the magic buffers] Down by the station, Early in the morning, See the little pufferbellies, All in a row. See the stationmaster, Turn the little handle. Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! ===''Prince for a Day'' [3.10a]=== :'''Enrique''': How are you two going to decide whose turn it is to clean up? :'''Emmy and Max''': I know! Rock. Paper. Scissors! ''[they both do scissors]'' Rock. Paper. Scissors! ''[they both do rock]'' ===''So Long Solo'' [3.10b]=== :''[After Wheezie's sheet music has sunken into a pond]'' :'''Zak''': Oh, Wheezie, it's all my fault! I guess I wasn't holding the music tight enough. :'''Wheezie''': It was an accident, Zak. It's okay. I know that there'll be other shows next year. :'''Zak''': Can't you play a different song? You know hundreds. :'''Wheezie''': I didn't bring any other music. :'''Zak''': Well, if you're not gonna perform, then I'm not gonna perform. :'''Wheezie''': Don't say that! You worked hard on your juggle gym, and I want you to show it off. :'''Zak''': ''[smiling]'' Really? :'''Wheezie''': ''[also smiling]'' Yeah! :''[At that moment, their badges start glowing.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Zak, look, our dragon badge! :'''Zak''': Ha, it's glowing! :'''Wheezie''': We must have really learned to... :'''Zak''': ...work together! :'''Wheezie''': Aw, Zaky! ===''Feliz Cumpleanos, Enrique'' [3.12a]=== :'''Dragons''': '''SURPRISE!''' :'''Enrique''': This is all for me? :'''Wheezie''': Absolutely... Happy birthday! :''[Everyone it celebrates happily and laughing]'' :'''Quetzal''': ''Feliz cumpleaños, Enrique.'' :'''Enrique''': ''Gracias,'' Quetzal. ''Gracias,'' everybody! :'''Quetzal''': I must go back to preparing tomorrow's lesson. Enjoy your party, niños! :'''Everybody''': See you! Bye-bye! :'''Cassie''': Will you help me pass these out, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, noisemakers, my favorite! :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' No surprise there. :''[They all play the noisemakers and march with them, however stop when Enrique gets sad.]'' :'''Ord''': What's the matter, Enrique? Did your blower stop working? :'''Enrique''': No... These remind me of the tiny whistles we used to hide in the frosting of birthday cakes back in Colombia. :'''Emmy''': Why did you do that? :'''Enrique''': ''[laughting]'' Because it was so much fun to pull them out and lick the gooey frosting off the whistles. :''[Everyone laughs less Zak]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Sounds messy to me! :'''Enrique''': Hey! Is that a ''piñata''? :'''Cassie''': Well, it does kind of look like one. :'''Ord''': But we use it to play another really fun birthday game. :'''Max and Ord''': Pin the badge on the dragon. :'''Cassie''': Each of us gets one of these! :'''Max''': And you have to try to put it on the dragon's neck. :'''Ord''': Like a dragon badge! :'''Zak''': But the trick is you have to do it all... ''[takes out of his pouch a bandage]'' :'''Wheezie''': Blindfolded...! :'''Emmy''': Whoever gets the closest is the winner. :'''Max''': Wanna play? :'''Enrique''': Sure! :'''Ord''': Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go first, uh? :'''Cassie''': It's a Enrique's birthday award, maybe he should be the first. :'''Enrique''': That's okay, Cassie, you can go first, Ord... :'''Ord''': Oh, goody... Thanks, Enrique. :'''Wheezie''': Ready-freddy? :''[Zak and Wheezie blindfold Ord and spin him around]'' :'''Emmy''': '''COME ON, ORD...!''' :''[Everyone is encourage for Ord]'' :'''Zak''': '''ALL RIGHT, ORD! KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING!''' :''[Ord places the badge on the dragon's foot]'' :'''Ord''': How I do? How I do? :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' Now the dragon badge is a dragon shoe... :''[Ord laugh]'' :'''Emmy''': Now it's your turn, Enrique... :''[Ord blindfold Enrique and takes him away from the dragon, everyone is encourage for Enrique, he place the badge in the belly of the dragon and the blindfold is lifted.]'' :'''Ord''': ''[laughing]'' Wow! :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' Now it's a belly badge... :''[Enrique laughs]'' :''[Next scene shows the group in the party wearing party hats and drinking juice from boxes. Cassie observes Enrique feeling sad again.]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[worried]'' Don't you like your party, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': ''Claro que sí'', Cassie... It's really nice of everyone to do all this for me. It's just that... I'm actually feeling kind of sad! :'''Ord''': Sad? On your birthday? :'''Wheezie''': See? I told you we should have blown up more balloons... :'''Zak''': It's not my fault I don't have as much hot air as you...! :'''Enrique''': Zak, Wheezie, the balloons are ''fantásticas''. I guess it's just... I miss the parties we used to have back in Colombia. ''[he sits sadly on a rock and his friends approach him]'' :'''Cassie''': Hmmmmmm... What do you miss about those parties, Enrique? :'''Emmy''': Because maybe talking about what you miss will help you not feel so sad. :'''Enrique''': Well... My friends and family would get together and we'd celebrate, with music and games and all kinds of food. :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, like a ''fiesta''! ''Fiestas'' are so festive! :'''Enrique''': Sometimes we play the stereo and the grown-ups would hand out instruments, like ''güiros'' and ''maracas'', and we dance along with the music. :''[His friends look at him listening with interest]'' :'''Enrique''': ''[sad again]'' Ah... I sure missed those parties. :'''Zak''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': If you're thinking what I'm thinking, Zaky... :'''Cassie''': I'm thinking it too? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Ord''': What's everyone thinking, Max? :'''Emmy''': That we can make music the way they did it Enrique's parties. :'''Wheezie''': Something like this? ''[play music like a xylophone on their scales with Zak]'' :'''Enrique''': That's great, Wheezie! :''[Everyone starts dancing]'' :'''Enrique''': All we need now are some ''maracas'' and it'll be just like back home. :'''Zak''': Got any ''maracas'' and that messy pouch of yours, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': Let's see! Hmmmmm... No... Oh! Been looking for that... ''[reaches into his pouch and pulls out a umbrella without fabric, a boot, an accordion and throws them into the air]'' Ah... Oh... No maracas. :'''Emmy''': Maybe we can make some. :'''Cassie''': That's a great idea, Emmy... :'''Max''': Yeah! ''[he scratches the head]'' Huh... How are we gonna do that? :'''Ord''': I know... ''[goes to some trees and collects five seed pods, returns and pours the seeds into his hand]'' :'''?''':What's that? :'''Ord''': Dragon pods seeds make a really shaky sound when they're inside my pouch just like ''maracas''. ''[put the seeds in his pouch and makes it sound]'' :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' We can't all shake your pouch, Ord... :'''Ord''': Oh, right. ''[laugh]'' :''[Everyone laughs and Wheezie drink his juice from box]'' :'''Enrique''': How about if we put the seeds inside the empty juice boxes and shake them? :'''Everyone''': '''YEAH! GREAT!''' :''[Everyone finishes drinking their juice boxes, Ord takes the seeds out of his pouch and places them in the juice boxes]'' :'''Max''': It works! Listen to this! ''[shaking his juice box]'' :'''Ord''': That's great, Max, sounds is good as my pouch! :'''Wheezie''': All right, everybody, let's ''ma-rraca'' and roll! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': And the ''uno'' and the ''dos''! :''[They both play the tune on their scales again while the others rattle their juice box maracas and dance happily to the music.]'' :'''Everyone''': '''ALL RIGHT, ZAK AND WHEEZIE! YEAH! ALL RIGHT!''' ''[laugh]'' :'''Max''': That sounded really cool! :'''Cassie''': I love played the ''maracas''... :'''Everyone''': '''YES!''' :''[Emmy laugh]'' :'''Enrique''': Me too! It reminds me of my family and friends in Colombia. Hmmm... ''[becomes sad again]'' :'''Ord''': Are you starting to feel sad again, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': A little... :''[His friends looks worried]'' :'''Wheezie''': Well then, how's about we whip up some more ''fiesta'' fun? We can do the Dragonland Conga! :'''Zak''': What do you say, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': It sounds great but... Maybe later. ''[walks away sadly under the worried gaze of his friends and Cassie runs to him]'' :'''Cassie''': Enrique, sometimes when I feel sad, I go talk with Quetzal. He helps me figure out my feelings. :'''Enrique''': Maybe I should. :''[Changes at the school in the sky]'' :'''Enrique''': A-ah... And everybody's trying so hard to make me a nice party, a-ah... And I really appreciate it... And I really want to have fun... a-ah... And make the sad feeling go away, but it keeps coming back. :'''Quetzal''': I understand, Enrique. I too sometimes feel sad. :'''Enrique''': You do? :'''Quetzal''': Sí, Enrique, and sometimes when I'm feeling especially sad. It seems as if there is only one thing that I want to do. :'''Enrique''': What's that? :'''Quetzal''': Cry... Perhaps that is the way you feel right now. :'''Enrique''': I always heard that boys... They don't... They're not supposed to... :'''Quetzal''': Ahhhhhhh... They are not supposed to cry because it is not ''macho''. :'''Enrique''': ''Sí''. :'''Quetzal''': There is no shame in crying, Enrique. Trust me, in can be a find way to let the sadness out. :''[Enrique and Quetzal hug each other and he starts crying, after a while then Enrique leaves school more calm down]'' :'''Everyone''': '''HI, ENRIQUE!''' :'''Enrique''': ''Hola'', everyone. :'''Ord''': Are you okay, Enrique? You look like you've been crying. :'''Enrique''': ''Sí'', but it's okay. Quetzal told me crying helps let the sadness out, and he was right. :''[His friends nod their heads]'' :'''Emmy''': You do seem happier now, Enrique... :'''Enrique''': ''Sí'', Emmy. I still feel a little sad, but mostly I feel like it's my birthday and I want to have fun! :'''Everyone''': ''[celebrating]'' '''GOOD!''' :'''Enrique''': So if you still want to, maybe we could do the Dragonland Conga? :'''Everyone''': ''[celebrating]'' '''YEAH! WOO-HOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Everyone''': ''[dancing]'' ♪ Feliz cumpleaños... ♪ ''[3 times]'' :'''Enrique''': I don't feel sad anymore, Quetzal! :'''Quetzal''': ''¡Que bueno, Enrique!'' :''[Everyone laughs celebrating and dancing]'' :'''Max, Emmy and Enrique''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. ''[Then disappear and appear back in the playroom]'' :'''Enrique''': ''Muchas gracias por todo'', Max and Emmy. :'''Emmy''': You're welcome, Enrique... :'''Max''': ''De nada...'' :'''Enrique''': You know, my ''papá'' said derby birthday cake when he got home from work... You want to come over? :'''Emmy''': Cake? :'''Max''': '''YEAH!''' :'''Emmy''': Are there gonna be tiny whistles in the frosty? :'''Enrique''': You bet! :'''Max''': I want to lick the frosting off! :'''Enrique''': Me too! :'''Emmy''': Me three! ===''Moving On'' [3.16a]=== :'''Emmy''': Hey, the dragon scale is glowing. :'''Max''': They need us in Dragon Land. ===''Something's Missing'' [3.24b]=== :'''Max''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I can't wait to see if there's a letter from Emmy, then Mom can read it to me. And I really can't wait till Emmy gets my letter. ===''Hello, Ms. Tipps'' [3.26b]=== ===''Just the Two of Us'' [3.29a]=== :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': All right, Zak and Wheezie... :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': You can open your eyes now... :'''Wheezie''': Ooh! I love surprises, they're so... '''SURPRISING...!''' :'''Zak''': What is it? :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': It's my dragon links building kit. I played with it when I was a little dragon. :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': We know how hard it is to play outside when Polly is tuning her weather machine. So we thought they would have fun playing with it now. :'''Wheezie''': Looooove it! Let's make a sculpture, a work of art! <hr width="80%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Who wants to go swimming? :'''Max''': Swimming? But... I've never seen a dragon links building kit before. :'''Wheezie''': Ohhhhh... ''[stroking his head]'' Who wants to be cooped up on a beautiful day like today, right, Zak? :'''Zak''': Huh?... Oh... All right! Let's play while the sun... i-i-is out! <hr width="80%"/> :'''Emmy''': So... Wheezie, what's your mom and dad's dragon links building kit look like? :'''Wheezie''': Well, it got lots of pieces you put together to make... ''[Zak covers his snout]'' :'''Zak''': Nothing. :'''Wheezie''': ''[while Zak gets angry]'' What? Oh! Yeah, nothing. Hey! '''LOOK, IT'S... A SNOWSTORM...!''' <hr width="80%"/> :'''Wheezie''': '''HOLD IT STEADY, ZAK...!''' :'''Zak''': '''I'M TRYING!''' But it's too heavy to hold up all by myself. ''[the pieces fall to the floor]'' We could use Ord's muscles. :'''Wheezie''': ''[smile]'' What if we asked Ord to help us? :'''Zak''': Okay, but only Ord. Everybody else can only see it when we're done. ===''Cowboy Max'' [3.29b]=== '''YEE-HAW!''' ===''Flip Flop'' [3.30a]=== :'''Max''': Hey! Zak is acting like Wheezie! :'''Ord''': And Wheezie is acting like Zak. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': We are? '''WE ARE!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''OOOOOH!''' :'''Zak''': '''AHHHHHHHHH!''' :'''Cassie''': Maybe Quetzal will know why this is hapenning. <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Let's get's over with. :'''Zak''': Oh, oh, oh!... Wait!... I want to hold it. :'''Wheezie''': It doesn't matter who holds it. :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' You held it last time! <hr width="40%"/> :'''Zak''': Now we can make a wish to flip-flop back. '''HOOOOORAY...!''' ''[he flies away with Wheezie, they do two somersaults and fall to the ground]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... :'''Emmy''': Wheezie, are you okay? :'''Max''': You're that funny color that Zak turns when you do somersaults. :'''Wheezie''': Oh, gee, Zak, is this how you feel when I make us do somersaults? :'''Zak''': If you mean all dizzy-wizzy in your head and icky-sicky in our stomach, yes... :'''Wheezie''': Oh, I'm sorry, Zaky, I didn't know it made you feel so bad. <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': There's no one else here! This is hopeless. Zaaak... We already looked in the dailing flowers... :'''Zak''': See what I made? :'''Wheezie''': Why are you acting so silly when we have something important to do? :'''Zak''': Ooh... Can't we have fun at the same time...? :'''Ord''': Usually Zak is the one who gets upset because Wheezie acting silly... :'''Zak''': Wheezie, when you act silly sometimes, aren't you just trying to make the job fun? :'''Wheezie''': Huh, just like you're doing now. :'''Zak''': '''OHHHHHHH!''' ''[laugh]'' <hr width="40%"/> :'''Zak''': '''FOLLOW THAT STATUE!''' <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Woo-hoo! I feel the tickle-lickle, that beautiful statue must have granted our wish... :'''Quetzal''': So, Zak, how do you feel being back to your old self? :'''Zak''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Zak''': Hey, I can be silly too... :''[Everyone laugh]'' ==Cast== * [[w:Andrea Libman|Andrea Libman]] as Emmy * Danny McKinnon as Max * Aida Ortega as Enrique * [[w:Chantal Strand|Chantal Strand]] as Cassie * [[w:Ty Olsson|Ty Olsson]] as Ord * Jason Michas as Zak * [[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]] as Wheezie ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Dragon Tales}} [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dragons]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] tsl9v04k4kt5k21voc5rzkjhz0r2utv 3944631 3944548 2026-05-23T22:17:02Z GrimRob 1187925 typos 3944631 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Dragon Tales|Dragon Tales]]''''' (1999–2005) is a English-French language American-Canadian-Quebecois 2D animated (traditional, hand-drawn 2D animation (traditional, hand-inked, hand-painted, and hand-colored cel animation (Pilot) (1999 (un-produced/un-aired))/(Season 1) (1999-2000)/digital inking-and-painting, and coloring animation (Seasons 2-3) (2001-2005))) educational fantasy children's television series in which two human siblings named Emmy, who was a 7-year old girl, and her younger brother named Max, who was a 5-year old boy, and later their new next-door neighbor named Enrique, who was a 8-year old boy, who was first appeared in Season 3, go on adventures in a magical land of dragons of three types, which are earth, winged and horned. The show was produced by the Children's Television Workshop (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Sesame Workshop (Seasons 2-3) (2001-2005), and Columbia TriStar Television (Seasons 1-2) (1999-2002)/Sony Pictures Television (Season 3) (2005), and distributed by Columbia TriStar Television Distribution (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Columbia TriStar Domestic Television (Season 2) (2001-2002)/Sony Pictures Television (Season 3) (2005), and was un-aired on broadcast syndication (regional syndication (first-run syndication)/public broadcasting syndication) (Pilot) (1999), and PBS (PTV/PTV Park) (Pilot) (1999) in English, in the United States, and CBC Television (CBC Playground) (Pilot) (1999) in English, in Canada, and Radio-Canada Television (Pilot) (1999) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, for the un-aired 24-minute pilot episode (un-aired two 12-minute pilot segments), called ''One Small Step for Cassie'', which was the first pilot segment, and ''Circle of Friends'', which was the second pilot segment, until the show was later aired on PBS (PBS Kids) (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) in English, in the United States, and CBC Television (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) (CBC Playground (Season 1) (1999-2000)/Get Set for Life (Season 2) (2001-2002)/Kids' CBC (Season 3) (2005)) in English, in Canada, and Radio-Canada Television (Seasons 1-3) (1999-2005) in French, in Canada, and Quebec, and was un-produced in mid-1999, for the un-aired 26-minute pilot episode (un-aired two 12-minute pilot segments), called ''One Small Step for Cassie'', which was the first pilot segment, and ''Circle of Friends'', which was the second pilot segment, until the show was later debuted on September 6, 1999, and ended on April 11, 2005. The show was aimed at kindergarteners, and elementary school children, and from ages 5 to 8. ==Season 1 (1999-2000)== ===''To Fly with Dragons'' [1.1a]=== ===''The Forest of Darkness'' [1.1b]=== :'''Mom''': Emmy, Max, everything all right up here?'' :'''Emmy''': Yeah, Mom. We were just coloring. There. Look what I did. :'''Max''': Whoa. This looks just like Cassie. :'''Emmy''': Maybe it's because it was Cassie. And I'm gonna give it to her as a gift. :'''Max''': Were you going to Dragon Land? Yeah. Me too. Because I got a great surprise for Ord. And he's gonna like it. :'''Emmy''': What is that? :'''Max''': It's bubble gum. And I've only been chewing it one time. Hey. Maybe we should get something for Zak, and Wheezie. :'''Emmy''': I know. Maybe we should let them borrow our harmonicas. So, come on. Max, Let's just go to Dragon Land. ===''To Kingdom Come'' [1.2a]=== :'''Emmy''': If you'd shared the Wish Shell in the first place, Ord, we definitely wouldn't be in this mess! <hr width="55%"/> :''[Ord breaks off a tiny piece of his cupcake and offers it to Monsieur Marmadune, however is not enough.]'' :'''Monsieur Marmadune''': This was sharing? :'''Ord''': ''[breaks off a larger piece of his cupcake]'' This much? :'''Max''': More... :'''Ord''': ''[breaks another piece again]'' This much? :'''Max''': More... :'''Ord''': ''[depressed]'' Oh... this was so hard! ''[until ultimately divide his cupcake in half and offers it to Monsieur Marmadune]'' <hr width="55%"/> :'''Ord''': Hey look, my dragon badge is shining! I did it, I shared! ===''Good-bye, Little Caterpoozle!'' [1.2b]=== *''[When Emmy, Max, Ord, Cassie, Zak, and Wheezie saw Poozie, the caterpoozle, inside a silk sack --called a [[w:chrysalis|chrysalis]]-- and is sleeping inside it.]'' *'''Cassie''': ''[gasps]'' Oh, she is dead! ''[cries]'' Oh, Poozie! ===''Knot a Problem'' [1.3a]=== ===''Ord's Unhappy Birthday'' [1.3b]=== :''[The episode starts out in the playroom where Max and Emmy are wrapping presents. Emmy’s is all wrapped up quick and angrily-ish while Max’s is rather wrinkled and uneven.]'' :'''Max''': Look Emmy! I'm done wrapping my birthday present for Ord. Neat, huh? :''[Max holds up his present, but the ribbon unravels and falls off.]'' :'''Emmy''': [unsure] I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, Max! :''[Max struggles to tie the ribbon back on. Emmy refuse to help.]'' :'''Emmy''': No time, no time, no time! For a very important date. No time to make a bow for you. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late. :'''Max''': Now, this is curious. It must be awfully important, like a party or something. :''[Max puts his left index finger on the knot while Emmy ties the bow. But it ends up being so tight, Max's finger gets stuck in the ribbon.]'' :'''Max''': Hey! My finger’s stuck! :'''Emmy''': [with voice raised and sounding genuinely annoyed] Come on, Max, there is no time to help Cassie! This no time to get ready for Ord's surprise birthday party! :''[Max and Emmy hold the scale and start saying their lately wish.]'' :'''Max and Emmy''': I'm late, I'm late, I'm late with all my very important heart. No time to fly with dragons in a land apart. :''[The dragons on the wall come to life and circle around the kids flying faster and faster until they disappear in a bright light and soon they arrive in DragonLand.]'' :'''Emmy''': We're late! This is the perfect rush to Cassie!! :'''Max''': I'm late!!! :''[Max grabs her wrist and they're running to the dragon tail waving behind a tree but is blue, not pink.]'' :'''Max''': Cassie! I'm late, I'm late.... :''[The figure that comes out from behind the tree is, in fact, a door banging and pounding]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily whispering, hissing irritated, quietly]'' '''SHHH!!''' Quiet, Max! Don't say such things to King Ord! Hide your present! :''[Emmy swipes her gift behind her back and Max tries to hide his but his finger is still stuck on the bow. Ord approaches the kids and he bows down.]'' :'''Ord''': Max, Emmy, I'm ruler of my birthday! Look what mom and dad got me! ''[shows them a pencil with a feathery end and he draws a little tic-tac-toe grid in midair]'' :'''Ord''': It draws on anything, how much greater I'd be! What a king! I'd be ruler of all that I see! Oh, you wanna bark orders? :'''Max''': Leave me alone! :'''Emmy''': We are not friends! :''[Suddenly, Ord Gets Growling In Frustration At The Angry Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst]'' '''YOU KNOW WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [thunders angrily] '''OH REALLY, ORD, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! IT ISN'T FAIR! IT IS, IN FACT, A COMPLETE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE!!!''' We're angry with you, Your Majesty. I'm serious! Today's your birthday! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''Ord''': No! You're just not looking hard enough! I don't wanna play! :''[Max is angry without say yes, he remembered...]'' :'''Max''': You can't. No time to meet Cassie, I will NEVER seen you again and leave me alone forever. :'''Emmy''': ''[interrupting]'' I'm upset! :'''Ord''': Louder! :'''Emmy''': [loud] I'm upset! :'''Ord''': '''LOUDER!''' :'''Emmy''': [louder] '''I'M UPSET!''' :'''Ord''': [shouting to enraged] '''SILENCE!! For the final TIME, SAY IT LOUDER!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [turns red in anger, furiously growls] '''I'M UPSET!!! I SAID "STOP IT"!!! I'M REALLY TIRED OF YOU!!!''' I’m never let you again! Never, Never, NEVER letting mention that being such a bully, and you didn't do anything that’s mine ever having a picnic without Cassie! :'''Ord''': (growls angry as well) Well, Today's my very favorite day of the year, than you would be better off without me, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! :'''Emmy''': (angrily) I'm late!! I'm very late!!! Now I won't want my help tomorrow anymore to get out of here and you're going our separate ways forever is much too braggy as bossy king! So, this is no fun to be boss around your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight with you, King Ord! Now get out, or you're '''FIRED!! I! GIVE!! UP!!!''' :'''Ord''': (enraged with angriest) '''I'M KING!!! I WILL NEVER SPEAKING TO EITHER ONE OF YOU EVER AGAIN!!!''' :'''Max''': '''YOU ARE FIRED!! I want you to get out, NOOW! and that's an order!!!''' :'''Ord''': [angrily shouts] '''I'M KING TO COMMAND YOU, SILENCE!!!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': '''STOP IT!!!''' :'''Ord''': (Turns red) '''YOU'RE FIRED!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [wailing angrily] '''YOU YELLED AT ME!!!''' [Turns Red With Anger, Growls Furiously And Angrily Fed Up] '''GRRRARRGH!''' I’m done with you without your birthday! '''I'LL SMASH YOUR BIRTHDAY AWAY!!! THAT BOSSY KING IS STUPID ANYWAY!!!''' :'''Ord''': '''YOUR HEIRS!!!''' :'''Max''': '''LEAVE!!!''' :'''Ord''': [angry, raising an eyebrow] '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': [furiously pointing] '''OUT!''' :'''Ord''': [snaps] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy and Max''': ''[they're angrily pushing Ord and furiously slams the door, leaving Ord all alone, pointing once more]'' '''OUT!''' :'''Ord''': [starts growls madly] That's it, I am the ruler of all that I'm leaving!!! [storms off furiously at a huff] :''[The kids later arrived angrily & lately at the treehouse.]'' :'''Max''': ''[firmly whispering]'' I'll never join the secret knock! :''[Angry, Emmy shakes her fist in rages out a series of gasps, which get more tense by shoves into his mouth, hearing banging & pounding on the door many times and makes them growling. The door opens, furiously revealing Cassie.]'' :'''Cassie''': Shh, Calm down, Max! calm down, Emmy! Shush, shush! You must be upset. Are you upset?! I thought you were Ord. :'''Max''': [sadly] No, this was Ord's fault with a mix up with psychical violence blame. Look, King Ord’s too angry about being bossy birthday in the meadow. :''[Max and Emmy head inside while Cassie gets a little worried that Ord might have followed them.]'' :'''Cassie''': What's wrong with you, Emmy? Come on. :'''Emmy''': [growls] I don't want to hear about ord. We had too frustrated when he's way too bossy. :'''Max''': [glares] Of course you're so late! I don't understand make him bossy traitor!? If you do, you're fired at military school! :'''Cassie''': Just chill out, chill out. I bet he couldn’t play with the bossiness of King Ord, who's willing to barked orders until we surprise him. So don't say a word 'til you two can help me blow up the balloons. :''[Cassie hands Max and Emmy grabs a balloon angrily. Max tries inflate one up but release and comes out flying. Max then wobbles around holding his head.]'' :'''Max''': Wow! I’m dizzy. :'''Cassie''': Don’t worry, Max. I’ll blow them up. :''[Cassie blows up a balloon herself.]'' :'''Max''': Hey, That's insane! :''[Emmy swipes Max the balloons.]'' :'''Emmy''': You have done that to me too many times, Max. I will not stand for what you did! You're fired! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!''' :'''Max''': [angry] Go Away, Em! :''[She furiously storms off without helping Max as he holding three balloons, a green and pointy one with yellow spots, and lavender one shaped like a star and a pink one with a smiley face on it, to whom Max sticks his tongue out and laugh.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :'''Zak''': Ord! What's the matter with you, Your Majesty? :'''Wheezie''': Why are you angry, Your Majesty? :'''Ord''': (ragingly) You hush up your mouth, Go away and no right to talk to leave me alone, and I wish I'd never been born!!! :'''Zak''': Do you hear that? :'''Wheezie''': Really? ''[Looks to the ones on top of their heads.]'' Oh, those hats. Those aren’t party hats. They're uh... umm... :'''Zak''': Rain-hats. Only it's not raining. Guess we don’t need them, Wheezie. <hr width="90%"/>:''[Just then his royal banging and a pounding is heard on the door.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[whispering]'' Is he coming this way?! :'''Sid Sycamore''': ''[whispering]'' That wasn’t the secret knock. It’s King Ord! He rudes everything! :''[Everyone gasps & scrambles to hide everything very quickly. Zak and Wheezie take the pizza, Max puts away the party hats, and Emmy swipes the balloons and hands them to Sid Sycamore without taking.]'' :'''Sid Sycamore''': [warns her] Emmy, no swiping! Emmy, no swiping! Emmy, no swiping! :'''Emmy''': [madder] Sid, You're fired! I'm too angry! '''YOU ARE FIRED!!''' :'''Sid Sycamore''': [angrily scolding] It's too late, you're a crook... [furiously] You're a '''CHEAT''' and a '''SWINDLER...!''' '''THAT'S''' it! I will never seen you again or you're fired!! [lividly] '''YOU'RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [screamed furiously] '''I SAID "YOU ARE FIRED"!! THAT'S IT, SID!!''' :''[Meanwhile they hand the rest of the stuff to Zak and Wheezie.]'' :'''Zak''': Where are you gonna put that? :''[Wheezie ultimately decides to put the stuff in their pouch.]'' :'''Zak''': Ew! That feels gross! :''[All that was left was the tablecloth which they remove as Ord slams the door open.]'' :'''Ord''': [snaps] I’m very annoyed with you, Emmy! I'm king, and I wish I'd never been born!! :''[Inside the gang snarl on the floor with a puzzle.]'' :'''Emmy''': [angrily scolds very pissed] You're bossy, King Ord! I'm very angry with you! This is your last warning! It's a complete disaster when enough is enough!! You did not just say that, '''You did not just say that!!!!''' :'''Ord''': [getting angry] '''I did just say it! I said, I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm bossy and annoyed without doing anything and I'm king, and you look annoyed all the time without some help, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! ''[dragon glares in the room.]'' You don't think I'm too bossy, do you? :'''Zak''': '''LIAR!''' We decided not to have the picnic. :'''Wheezie''': I'm afraid you are. Putting together a puzzle isn't fun anymore. :'''Ord''': [mad] I don't want to play puzzles! I'm the bossy king! I'm the king of a moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza! Nobody's gonna leave this treehouse until I wish I'd never been born!! :'''Emmy''': [losing control of her outrage] Go away, King Ord! You lost a moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza if I'm saying bossy to you! If you're way too bossy what word I'm not supposed to say, It's too bossy, I'm disappointed. I am very disappointed.... :'''Ord''': [growling ragingly yells] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEEEEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [angrily screams] '''NAH-UH! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE! I WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND QUIT IT!!!!!''' :''[Emmy Slaps His Forehead. Zak Slaps His As Well, Wheezie Hits In His Face. This Challenge Erupted Into A Violence Argument Of Fury Angry Fight With Powers]'' K.D. Lang: [Overlapping while singing] Join Timon and Pumbaa cow! :'''Max''': I'm feeling very angry right now without help, King Ord!!! :'''Ord''': '''SILENCE!!! YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD!!!!!''' Forget it!! I said, "I wish I'd never been born!!!" I am the boss of the ruler to leave me alone!!! :'''Max''': [sternly] That's it! See if I'll leave you alone!! :''[Bossy King Ord storms to the school and incredibly pissed off at him for all of the hurtful birthday and inside he finds Quetzal wrapping a gift neatly.]'' :'''Ord''': You're just a show-off, Mr. Quetzal! Never, ever mention '''THAT''' name in my presence! '''I AM THE BOSSY *KING*!!!''' :'''Quetzal''': Oh, Yes, Sire, you look bossy, King Ord. I was extraordinarily busy... You’re so cranky. You actually went and did it to illustrate the differences in your royal managerial approaches. :'''Ord''': [coldly] Not the others seem to think they're waste time. ''[without notices the gift.]'' [angrily] I'm the boss. I scolded at her, Because she broke the rules! I'm king of the birthday parties! :'''Quetzal''': Temper! Temper! Your Majesty, please... I don't like to complain, But A very good friend of mine, We didn't see any rules. :''[Ord goes back to being angrily glare.]'' :'''Quetzal''': What’s the matter? I know you're angry about your birthday without friends and you're refuse to be gone. What’s wrong? :'''Ord''': [raging furiously blows up, screams in frustration, angrily yells with sobbing] This is the stupidest time to me a favor and the "worstest" rule, I'm the king of the panic! I'm the frustrated king! I'm the bossy king because I'm the king of my birthday, and I'm the king of special day, but my friends must not like me anymore because they don't want to play with 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void IF - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy! And Cassie didn't invite me to her picnic, and then everyone's beginning to believe I'll never see my "et cetera, et cetera... "Fax mentis, incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera... "Memo bis punitor delicatum!!" It's out of the control without decided to make a puzzle instead of a picnic! I am the king! I can do whatever I could even push one piece together, they '''STOMPED''' on the floor, which now has to be pushed me away, because I'm the king of my birthday! And I'm the king of a grouchy girl sometimes... I'm the bossy king, and think I'm king! they're gonna mess it up for my birthday and it's all your fault, and then before I will be able to our army, would still be alive, it's your fault she's mad!! And now I don't have a happy birthday without looking hard enough to see some stupid royal birthday, and I wish I'd never been born!!! [walks off in a huff] :'''Quetzal''': Oh..., Outrageous! I know you've already just feeling very angry, Ord, yelled by a grouchy girl, It's not your fault and we say something very special to each other. :'''Ord''': [he ragefully stomps, firmly fuming] Why bother? I'm king of stupid to understand anyway! I hadn't shown up even dragons celebrate my birthday in the first place, maybe I don't have to worry everything that was important to me! There's nothing, no, NOTHING, that's grouchy than me, and I wish I'd never been born!! I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born! :'''Quetzal''': ''[checks his pocket watch]'' Chill out, Ord! Every year, I know what to do to make you feel better. :'''Ord''': [sarcastically] Aw, forget it! I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born! I wish I'd never been born! I said, "I wish I'd never been born!!" There, I said it again! '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!''' :'''Quetzal''': [calmly] I know you aren't. So, come with me. :''[Ord and Quetzal go over to the treehouse where the others are watching by the window and all arguing, shouting, and they started kicking and laugh.]'' :'''Ord''': I'm the mad king, I'm the mad king! I'm the really, really, really mad king, Quetzal, I cannot let you put our family if they don't want to play with me! For I am the ruler of all that I see!! :'''Quetzal''': Oh, I see if you are mad. Courage, Ord. Go up there and tell them what you told me. :'''Ord''': Are you sure if I'm not mad?. :'''Quetzal''': Si. :'''Ord''': Okay. I love too. :''[Ord goes up the stairs and he takes one last look toward Quetzal who gives him a nod, before knocking on the door.]'' :'''Cassie''': I’m too busy right now, but we're almost done. :'''Ord''': It's me, King Ord! And I'm too bossy and frustrated 'cause I'm ruler of my birthday but no one wants me around. And I don't want to be your friend anymore! I don't want to be your friend anymore at all! :'''Cassie''': Hey, You're so bossy. :'''Ord''': Yes, you did! You did!!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! It's your fault because you were going our separate ways forever. So, this is… This is your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight to stomp to you when I'm bossy!! :'''Cassie''': Okay, Don't be mad. Guess what? You can come in now. :'''Ord''': [anger turns to thrilled to apologizes about being difficult being frivolous things at the wrong time.] Really? I just wanted to apologize because sometimes I was me too bossy. :'''Emmy''': Aww, that's okay, You can knock gently on the door but don't banging and pounding hard. Go ahead, Ord. :'''Ord''': Oh, Sure. :''[Ord throws the royal crown and the royal cape away, Knocking gently, opens the door and is surprised with excitement.]'' :'''All:''' '''SSUURRPPRIIISSSEE!!!''' ''[everyone claps and cheers, celebrates happily and laughing]'' '''HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ORD!''' :'''Ord''': You like me! You really like me! :''[Max runs up to Ord and hugs him]'' :'''Max''': Of course we do, Ord. You're our biggest, bestest friend of all. :'''Emmy''': I’m so glad it’s you. I'm sorry I was just felt so mad when i yelled at you. It's just that... because I just didn't want you to find out and I'll try to not be bossy about the surprise party. :'''Ord''': Wow. Well, I was really surprised! :''[Wheezie lights the candle with her fire breath]'' :'''Wheezie''': Come on, Ord. Make a wish and blow out the candle. :'''Ord''': Okay, here we go! :''[Ord uses wind power to blow it out and everyone applauds]'' :'''Max''': All right, Hooray for you, Ord. :''[All clapping and cheering]'' :'''Emmy''': Good one. :''[Quetzal walks around with a knife in his hand and starts cutting the cake]'' :'''Ord''': ''[with his mouth full]'' Boy! This is the really best birthday I've ever marvelous me! For I am the good ruler of all that I see! [the dragons cheered and dance happily to the music.] :'''Everyone''': '''ALL RIGHT, ZAK AND WHEEZIE! YEAH! ALL RIGHT, ORD!''' [laugh] :'''Max''': That sounded really cool! :'''Cassie''': I love played the maracas... :'''Everyone''': '''YES!''' :'''Emmy''': [laugh and celebrating] '''YEAH! WOO-HOO!''' :'''Max and Emmy''': I Love A Surprise to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. ''[Both then disappear and appear back in the playroom]'' :'''Max''': Oooh! My tummy hurts from eating all that cake. :'''Emmy''': Me too. But it sure is a yummy tummyache. :'''Max''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah. :'''Emmy''': Guess What, Max? We're Not able to Rush for Ord's Surprise Party. We're Good. :'''Max''': Yeah, I will tell my mom. I want a surprise birthday party this year. :'''Emmy''': I Love a Surprise! But if you know it’s a surprise party, it won’t be a surprise. :''[Max thought about that and realized she’s right, cheering.]'' :'''Max''': Hooray for you, Emmy. Mummy! Emmy has something to ask you! :''[Max heads out the door while Emmy just smiles her head, reliefing.]'' ===''Tails You Lose'' [1.4a]=== :'''Wheezie''': OH! They're dragons Zak, not snails! :'''Zak''': Slow music is better for the game! :''[Zak and Wheezie argue over whether the dance must be fast or slow.]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': '''IS TOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': '''IS TOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Zak''': [Growls Loudly And Then He Violently Begins To Shout At Her] '''I DON'T CARE!!!!! DAMN IT, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE????!!!!!!!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': I'm not engaged! And as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now, well... I'm fine with out! You don't play fair! I will not stand for what you did, and things are out of control! As of this moment, cause you're all '''GROUNDED!! So you LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''Cassie''': [angrily screams in frustration] You're bossy, you jerk! You couldn't wait to come back here and brag, you don't want to be part of the game around while you do dumb things like that!! :'''Emmy''': '''I'D HATE YOU, RULES STINK, LOSING STINKS & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[turns red in anger, furiously growls and angrily comfronts Emmy]'' No! Are you crazy, Emmy? [growls lividly] '''THAT MAKES ME VERY ANGRY,''' since we've finished everything on the list, you’re the one who’s being such a bully! I am the temper drama king! I already filled up this ate it... I have no time for childish bickering with ideas!! Now, I've ruined their lives, and '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''SHUT UP!!! I AM NEVER, EVER PLAYING FREEZE DANCE AGAIN!!! I AM COMMAND YOU TO CUT IT OUT!!! AND IF YOU KEEP BEING SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH TO FIRE YOU!!!''' ''[echoes]'' :'''Cassie''': [Fed Up] '''DON'T YOU DARE!!! I'M NEVER GOING TO PLAY WITH YOU AGAIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN EXPLODE!!!!!?????!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': ''[getting very angry; turns red angrily to cutting dragons off]'' '''CAN, YOU, CUT, A, BIG, FAT, STUPID, UGLY, CLUMSY, LUMP, IT, OUT, ALREADY!?! I'D HATE YOU, MAX!!!''' :'''Max''': [Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst] '''YOU KNOW WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' [With A lot Of Rage, Max's Behavior Got Worse] '''I'm losing a temper, so you become a loser!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! I'D HATE YOU & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': ''[snaps]'' '''I’M VERY ANGRY!!''' :'''Max''': '''YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU, MAX!!!''' :'''Max''': [angrily scolding] '''I’M NOT SPEAKING TO ME EVER AGAIN! AND I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [growls angrily and screams lividly] '''I SAID, "I AM GOING TO FIRE YOU, MAX!!!"''' :'''Max''': '''QUIET!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''You just shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, and I'm fed up of telling dragons to go away!!''' :'''Max''': '''OH NO YOU'RE NOT!''' :'''Emmy''': '''IF YOU KEEP BEING SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH YOUR...-''' :'''Ord''': [turns red with angriest and screams at Emmy] '''OH REALLY, EMMY, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!''' :'''Emmy''': '''THAT FREEZE GAME IS STUPID ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Ord''': ''What in the world is going on if you yelled at him?! I've shouting at you and it’s your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to stopped this instant!!! YOU ARE FIRED!!!'' :'''Wheezie''': [scowls] '''GRRRAAAARRGHHHHHH!!!!!! SSSSSTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPP IIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Zak''': [angered as throws tantrum] '''STOP YELLING!!!!!''' You, just a show-off, You did not finish this game!!! I’ve had quite enough is enough of your excuses whatever I warning about the new game, bossy girl!!! (And you might already did! In fact, I’m done with you without the next round!! I told you I'm '''NOT''' spending it with you and you're not listening, because, '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''') :'''Emmy''': [lividly shouting of his rage and scolds at dragons] '''STOP IT!!! YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF!!! FREEZE DANCE IS COMPLETE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE ALWAYS FIGHT TO COMMAND IS, YOU, ARE, FIRED!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': ''[Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Into An Rage Outburst In Anger, Furiously Growls And Angrily Strikes Out At Emmy, Gets Snapping And Loudly Ticked Off]'' ''' I'M ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!! I'D HATE YOU & EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! YOU MAKES ME VERY VERY ANGRY, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ''' :'''Emmy''': [angry] '''SHUT THE FUCK UP!''' :'''Max''': '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [lividly bellowing] '''STOP IT!!!!''' :'''Max''': '''I'M ANGRY!! ''' :'''Emmy''': '''YOU ARE FIRED!!!''' :'''Max''': '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [thunders angrily] '''DON'T YOU DARE!!!''' :'''Max''': [becoming louder angrily] '''I'M A BULLY TO COMMAND TO FIRE YOU!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [gets angrier] '''YOU, ARE, FIRED AND THAT’S FINAL, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [enraged with high pitched, savagely yells loudly] '''I'M NOT GONNA SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN FOR AS LONG AS I FIRE YOU!!!!!!!''' ''[echoes]'' :'''Emmy''': [angry roars] '''STOP!!!''' :'''Max''': [gets angrier and furious bellow] '''ZIP IT!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [bellows angrily] '''SHUT UP!!!''' :'''Max''': [screaming very loudly; echoing] '''I'M REALLY ANGRY, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I'LL SMASH YOUR A, BIG, FAT, STUPID, UGLY, CLUMSY, ANGRY!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [yelling] '''I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN FIRED!?!?!?!?!''' :'''Emmy''': '''THAT'S IT!!! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!!!''' :'''Max''': [throws a tantrum, warning yells] '''I SAID "GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME IN FIRED"!!!''' :'''Emmy''': '''I AM ANGRY AND DISAPPOINTED, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Max''': [Yells Back At Emmy] '''YOU'RE GROUNDED, EMMY!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [whines, turns red with angriest and enraged with high-pitched, savagely screams] '''LIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRR!!! I AM NOT GONNA SPEAK ANY MORE!!! I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [furiously scolds] '''YOU ARE GROUNDED, YOUNG EMMY! GET OUUUUUUUUTTT!''' :'''Emmy''': [Becoming Very Angry] '''I’M ANGRY WHEN YOU YELLED AT ME!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! YOU'D BETTER GET ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEAD, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' :'''Max''': [gets angrier screams loudly then scowls] '''GRRR...I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Emmy''': [enraged with angriest screams, freaking out] '''GRRR!!! I'LL SMASHING THE WHALE PUPPET WHEN I'M GOING HOME!!! IF YOU LEAVE DRAGONS ALONE, I WISH I HAD SUCH A JERK I SWEAR THE GOD....I'LL SMASH YOUR SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!!!''' ''[She throws a furious fist and incredibly pissed off at him for all of the hurtful things she frustratingly stomping the ground repeatedly with storms angrily get blown away; sees in a blind heated outbursts, raging argument, temper tantrum.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily satisfied, then sputters her head in irritating "wrapping up" threateningly makes Max and the dragons argue at each other leads them into a full blown fight in anger]'' I hate, I hate, to fed up this rhyme just go home to bed, because it's mine! (echoes) :''[Emmy storms off violently and exits Dragon Land without Max, very pissed]'' :'''Max''': [growls angrily] I'm Really Hate You, Em! I'm very angry with you, dragons!! This is your last warning! You're grounded for complete disaster when enough is enough, I've ruined their lives, and I wish I'd never been born! '''I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!!!''' [the dragons scowls into silence as he storms off to the school and inside he finds Quetzal who felt shocked to Max] :'''Quetzal''': Hoh-woah, That's the worst case about the unpleasant game. Huh, Max? :'''Max''': [Being serious by grunts in frustration with a huff] '''PHOOEY ON FIGHTING!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the playroom, Emmy’s angrier starts her anger sulking in sadness and bursts into tears, sobbing like giving up and shakes her fist in rages out of series ideas, which get more tense by flinches lividly her whale puppet, violently stomps on the "Mr. Whale".]'' :'''Emmy''': [angrily yells sobbing louder] I am braggy and bossy, Mr. Whale! You're mad at me! I'm disappointed to you!! ''[then as her whale puppet]'' "'''NOT FAIR!! I WISH I'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!! IN FACT, A WORST, HORRIBLE AND TOTAL OUTRAGE GAMES, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm all out of '''MONEY FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN, WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN, I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!''' I'm ruined! I'm done! I'm lost everything of their lives, and I wish I'd never been born!! It will be ripped up, I said it again! I wish I'd never been B-O-R-N, born, Emmy!! You losing something and I wish I'd never been born again!!!" ''[then as she shoves her whale puppet, she makes despair voice, firmly inhales]'' You did not just say that, you did not just say that, I don't like you! You're grounded for have upset on purpose…it was only an such clumsiness accident! [she hands a tissue to blowing her nose to calming down as normal voice] Really? I've had quite enough of this foolish fighting about lose at that. I’m really sorry. Why, It's not your fault. I'm very sorry for stomping on it, Mr. Whale. What a horrid dragon friends playing Freeze Dance. ''[then as her whale puppet, sniffs]'' "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you, ord and zak are upset about what happened, and I know Ord and Zak was upset about Emmy's temper, but I think we can get a different game. Listen. I'm sorry I ignored you when you've angry at the house. Take a deep breath and put it back together again in time." ''[then back to her normal voice]'' You really think so? ''[Mr. Whale agrees. she took a deep breath and sighs with tearfully to forgiveness smiled]'' I'm sorry I couldn't look like they're have fun. It's gonna be okay... you're gonna see more fun than me anyway… I'm very sorry to disturb you too much but I should go back, just to make sure Max is alright. (Emmy hands Mr. Whale a tissue and the puppet blows nose) Thank you for listening... because I just didn't want you to find out and I'll try to not be bossy, Mr. Whale. ''[Emmy finally calms down by comforting her puppet hug and takes out the dragon scale, smiley]'' OK, here we go. "I wish, I wish, with all my heart ''to fly with dragons'' in a land apart." [This time, the dragons on the wall come to life and circle around her flying faster and faster until she arrive back to the DragonLand and start searching for Angry Max.] ===''Calling Dr. Zak'' [1.4b]=== :'''Emmy''': It's in here somewhere. Got it! :'''Max''': And I got my guitar. ''[imitates guitar]'' :'''Emmy''': Stop fooling around, Max. We have to get to Dragon Land. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Booboogone''': Now, Zak, squeeze! :''[Zak shuts his eyes and squeezes Wheezie's hand as the thorn is removed]'' :'''Zak''': I'm squeezing as hard as I can! I'm still squeezing! When are you going to take the thorn out? :'''Dr. Booboogone''': I already have, Zak. :'''Zak''': ''[shocked]'' Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': I knew Zak and Wheezie were gonna win the dance contest. :'''Max''': They were great. :'''Mom''': ''Max! Emmy!'' :'''Emmy''': What is it, Mom? :'''Mom''': ''I made a doctor's appointment for you both tomorrow. It's time for your checkups.'' :''[Despite a "doctor's appointment" announcement --made by their mother-- Max and Emmy do not mind.]'' :'''Max''': Let's play doctor, Emmy. :'''Emmy''': Okay. ===''Pigment of Your Imagination'' [1.5a]=== :'''Max''': Dandelions. :'''Emmy''': Max, no! ''[Emmy shook his head]'' :'''Ord''': Anything! :[''couching, music playing'' and ''painting cans chatting''] :''[Before going back to the playroom.]'' :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme, to go back home until next time. ===''Zak's Song'' [1.5b]=== :'''Wheezie''': But Do-Re-Mi's are wild birds, they like wild music, i'll show ya...! :'''Zak''': ''[putting it in its place]'' No, Wheezie! This time i'm gonna try it my way. ''[he removes the beak of bird and keep going playing the melody in front of the Do-Re-Mi's]'' :'''Wheezie''': It's not working see, I knew... :'''Max''': Look! ===''Snow Dragons'' [1.6a]=== :''' ===''The Fury is Out on This One'' [1.6b]=== :''' ===''The Giant of Nod'' [1.7a]=== :'''Wheezie''': I don't believe it, he didn't even yawn. ===''The Big Sleepover'' [1.7b]=== :''[Emmy goes over to Cassie's house and knocks on the door; Cassie comes out to bedroom window.]'' :'''Cassie''': Emmy! What are you doing here? :'''Emmy''': What are you doing here? Aren't you coming to Zak and Wheezie's sleepover? :'''Cassie''': Oh, I don't know. ''[Emmy climbs up to her window through the ivy of the facade and Cassie gasps]'' :'''Emmy''': Come on, Cassie. You'll have fun! Big time! :'''Cassie''': I know. But I've never slept away from my mummy and daddy before! Ever! Not even one whole time! :'''Emmy''': Well, what if you brought something to remind you of home? :'''Cassie''': Like what? :'''Emmy''': On my first sleepover, I brought Lupita. She's my favorite doll. :'''Cassie''': Oh! Maybe I could bring... ''[leaves and comes back with a pile of books]'' Some of my favorite books! ''[catches the top book as it falls off]'' :'''Emmy''': How about just one? :'''Cassie''': Oh, I could never pick just one. Wait, I've got another idea! ''[puts the books away and returns with a pile of pillows]'' How about my favorite pillows? ''[Emmy shakes her head]'' Still too much? :'''Emmy''': Definitely! :'''Cassie''': Oh. I know! ''[puts the pillows away and takes out a photo of her with her parents and two of her siblings]'' I'll take this picture of my mummy and daddy and all my brothers and sisters! ''[unfolds it to reveal more pictures that tile out the window down the wall]'' :'''Emmy''': All seventy-four of them? That'll work. Come on, you can do it! :'''Cassie''': Okay, I'll try. :'''Emmy''': Yes! :''[Changes to the knuckerhole later that night; the sleepover is on! Laughter and cheering rings out from Zak and Wheezie's bedroom as Emmy, Max, Ord, and Cassie jump in the bed while Zak looks at his alarm clock and Wheezie play his drum.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :'''Zak''': Now, can we '''PLEASE''' get ready for bed?! ''["PLEASE" is mistakenly heard as "police"]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': Everything really funtastic and wild in there for you kiddos? :'''Wheezie''': '''FUNTASTIC, DADDY! GOOF-BALL-O-RAMA!''' :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': ''[as Cassie hesitates and takes out a photo of her family]'' Now if you need anything, dear, remember, we're right down the hall. Just a holler away. A few small steps. :'''Zak''': Thanks, mummy. :'''Emmy''': What's the matter, Cassie? :'''Cassie''': I miss my daddy and mummy. :'''Wheezie''': Why don't you call them? :'''Cassie''': Can I? :'''Wheezie''': Sure! :''[Changes to a ceiling phone horn; Wheezie gets it down for Cassie to use.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Talk away! :'''Cassie''': Hi, this is Cassie. Can you connect me to my mummy and daddy? :'''Cassie's dad''': Hello? Cassie? Is that you? :'''Cassie''': Hi, Father. :'''Cassie's dad''': Are you having fun? :'''Max''': ''[comes past still spinning]'' Wheeeeeeeee!!! :'''Cassie''': Sort of. I just wondered if you and Mummy miss me. I mean, I could come home if you want. :'''Cassie's dad''': Of course we miss you, honey, but why don't you try and stay a little longer and have fun with your friends? :'''Cassie''': Okay, I'll try. :'''Cassie's dad''': Bye, sweetie. :'''Cassie''':: Bye, Father. :''[The call ends and the phone retracts.]'' <hr width="90%"/> :''[Ord makes shadow puppets]'' :'''Max''': Wow! That's cool! Let me try! ''[makes a simplistic shadow puppet]'' :'''Zak''': What is that? :'''Max''': A rock. :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': Okay, kiddos! Five minutes until beddy-bye time! :'''Zak''': ''[excitedly]'' '''BEDDY-BYE TIME?! BEDDY-BYE TIME?! YES!''' :'''Wheezie''': [dismayed] Oh, Zaky... ===''A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words'' [1.8a]=== :''[The Doodle Fairy has drawn a picture to communicate with them]'' :'''Max''': It's a hairy bug! :''[The Doodle Fairy shakes her head]'' :'''Zak''': This is too hard! I'll quit. :'''Ord''': We can't give up! Please! :'''Zak''': OK, if you insist... ===''The Talent Pool'' [1.8b]=== :'''Cassie''': I know. I can't help it. :'''Emmy''': I have an idea, Cassie. :'''Cassie''': Can I try? ''[giggles]'' I'm doing it. :'''Emmy''': That's it. :'''Max''': Way to go, Cassie! :'''Ord''': ''Yay, Cassie!'' :'''Cassie''': ''[notices sound]'' Sorry, Zak. Here. I'll fix your boo-boo. :'''Zak''': ''[sighs]'' Thanks for helping me fell better, Cassie. :'''Cassie''': Yeah, but, I can't do anything special for the talent show. :'''Ord''': Don't give up, Cassie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': I don't know what to do, Quetzal. I tried and tried, but, I ''can't'' think of anything special I can do. :'''Quetzal''': Why don't we look in the Big Story Book? ===''Emmy's Dreamhouse'' [1.9a]=== :'''Zak''': Emmy, how do you like the steps Wheezie and I made? :'''Wheezie''': We've even thought of a secret musical password. ''[plays "Shave and a Haircut" on the steps, with Zak's triangle making up the final two notes.]'' Love it! :'''Emmy''': It's great. But red steps would go better with the rest of the treehouse, don't you think? ''[pours a can of red paint all over the stairs and some of it gets on Wheezie's foot]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[angrylid]'' No! You said we could have... :'''Zak''': Whatever we want and... :'''Wheezie''': We want black and white! :'''Emmy''': Oops. Sorry. I guess I forgot to ask again, didn't I? :''[Zak and Wheezie are angry as Emmy enters the treehouse where everyone is setting up their things. Cassie is setting up her bookshelf.]'' :'''Cassie''': Let's see. Where should I put my picture book on flying? Right there. ''[the book flies into place]'' How do you like my new bookshelf, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': It looks nice, Cassie. It would look better with these flowers on it. [takes out a flowerpot with flowers in it] :'''Cassie''': But those are your flowers! :'''Emmy''': Yeah. :'''Cassie''': And they're too tall! :'''Emmy''': I know. ''[takes all of Cassie's books off the shelf and lowers the middle shelf to the bottom. She then puts the books cover side down with two stacked up in the middle and puts the flowerpot on top of them.]'' :'''Emmy''': Perfect! :'''Cassie''': But... my books! ''[starts laughing and grows]'' :'''Emmy''': Oh, Cassie, I'm sorry I made you feel mad! ''[Cassie runs off]'' I can't believe I forgot to ask what she wanted. :'''Max''': Emmy, take a look through my telescope! :''[Ord is getting his toy chest set up and Max has put his telescope near the window]'' :'''Max''': You can see the Stickleback Mountains. :'''Ord''': And check out my... my... ''[grunts trying to close it but can't]'' ...toy drawer. Neat, huh? :'''Emmy''': Yeah! And this is a great spot for our play rug. :''[She unfolds the rug doing fall Max's telescope and covers the toy chest a bit at the corner]'' :'''Emmy''': We'll only have to move your stuff a little bit, okay? :'''Ord''': I guess. :''[Emmy pushes the toy chest off the rug into the wall and moves the telescope to the opposite side.]'' :'''Emmy''': That's better. :'''Max''': No, it isn't! You didn’t leave room for my telescope! :'''Ord''': And I can’t play with my toy drawer in the corner because there’s not enough room! :'''Cassie''': ''[aggravated]'' And you made my bookshelf the way you wanted it! :'''Wheezie''': And Zaky and I didn’t like how you repainted our steps! :'''Zak''': Or our toenails! ''[Wheezie shows the paint on her foot]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[wryly]'' Actually, I thought the toenails were kinda pretty. :'''Max''': ''[carrying his telescope]'' You’re not being nice, Emmy! :'''Wheezie''': Come on, everyone! Let’s go build our own treehouse! :'''Zak''': The way we want it! :''[Everyone less Emmy leaves very annoying]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[also angry]'' I was just trying to make the treehouse better, that's all! :''[They all leave indignant with their stuff and Zak and Wheezie takes the staircase leaving Emmy in the treehouse]'' :'''Emmy''': Have it your way! I'll just build my own treehouse! ''[so she tries to build a ladder herself but it breaks]'' Oh, this is no fun. Isn't it? :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, maybe a tree joke will cheer you up! Why did the tree cross the road? Give up? He had to "leaf!" Get it? Tree? Leaf? Ha ha! Wocka Wocka! [He laughs, and leaves fall out; Emmy does not answer.] So, friend troubles, huh? :'''Emmy''': Yeah. They're mad. I didn't let them do what they wanted. :'''Sid Sycamore''': Well, if you choose all the colors and decide where everything should go, what's left for your friends to do? :'''Emmy''': They can, uh... Not much, I guess. Maybe I'd better help them put things back the way they wanted? :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, now you're barkin' up the right tree! Wocka Wocka! :''[Rumbling is heard and the purple goo clouds are coming closer]'' :'''Sid Sycamore''': Hey, you better hurry. The purple goo clouds are almost here! :''[Emmy runs off and the others are at the other side of the forest carrying their things when she them catches up]'' :'''Emmy''': Wait up! ''[they stop, she sighs and asks for forgiveness, with the purpose of amendment]'' I guess I wasn't very good at listening and letting you do what you wanted. It's just that I get really excited about my own ideas. But it's no fun building a treehouse without my friends. Can we finish it together? Please? :'''Ord''': Sure! :'''Wheezie''': Of course! :'''Max''': Let's do it! :'''Emmy''': Come on, Cassie. We can fix your bookshelf just the way you wanted. And, Max, where do you want that telescope? :''[Much later, the treehouse is being finished the way everyone wants it. Max and Ord roll out the rug and Emmy builds the roof. More rumbling as the purple goo clouds come closer and everyone notices.]'' ===''Dragon Sails'' [1.9b]=== ===''Eggs Over Easy'' [1.10a]=== ===''A Liking to Biking'' [1.10b]=== :'''Emmy''': ''[singing]'' Rain, Rain, Go Away. :'''Max''': Heh, and don't come back! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': OH, NO! I'M GONNA FALL! '''AAH!''' :'''Cassie''': Ord, you're a dragon; use your wings. :'''Ord''': Oh, yeah! ''[flies safely back up the cliff]'' I forgot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Emmy''': Look, Max, the rain stopped. We can go outside now. :'''Max''': Yeah! :'''Emmy''': Watch the door! :'''Max''': ''[crashes and falls]'' I know, I know. Watch where I'm going. :''[both giggle]'' ===''Sky Pirates'' [1.11a]=== ===''Four Little Pigs'' [1.11b]=== :'''Max''': I'm the pig in the straw house! [Max's puppet has a mustache.] ''[imitates pigs oinks]'' :'''Ord''': I'm the pig in the house of sticks. ''[imitates pigs oinks]'' :'''Cassie''': And I'm the smart pig! In the brick house! Oink, oink, oink! :'''Emmy''': And now it's time for the most important puppet of all! :'''Zak''': Yeah! The really big.... :'''Wheezie''': Really bad... :'''Zak, Wheezie and Emmy''': Wolf! ''[imitates wolf's howls until they stop. Zak and Wheezie stare at Emmy. Zak is glaring and Wheezie is confused.]'' :'''Zak''': Huh? :'''Wheezie''': Why'd you make a wolf? :'''Emmy''': 'Cause I'm playing the wolf. :''[Zak and Wheezie growl at Emmy's sock puppet and look at each other and back at Emmy]'' :'''Emmy''': What a cool wolf puppet! Oh, I'm sorry! I wouldn't have made my puppet... ''[takes her wolf puppet off her left hand and tosses it aside and grabs Zak and Wheezie's wolf puppets and puts them on both her hands]'' ...if I knew you were gonna make one for me. Thank you so much! :''[Zak and Wheezie look at each other sad]'' :'''Zak''': Uh, you're welcome. :''[Wheezie gets mad]'' :'''Wheezie''': No, she's not! We made it for us! ''[Wheezie takes back her and Zak's wolf puppets from Emmy and places them on both their hands]'' We want to play the wolf! :'''Emmy''': But I thought you wanted to play the music. :'''Zak''': We always have to play the music! :'''Wheezie''': And this time we want to do something else! :'''Max''': But you play music the best! :'''Zak''': Well, we wanna be the wolf! :'''Wheezie''': Yeah! No wolf... :'''Both''': No, Zak and Wheezie. :'''Cassie''': But if you play the wolf, who will play the music? :''[Emmy hangs her head down]'' :'''Emmy''': I can't play the music by myself. :'''Cassie''': Well, I don't think I can. ''[to Ord with her puppet]'' What about you? :'''Ord''': Oh, no! ''[with his puppet]'' I'm a pig! :'''Emmy''': ''[to Zak and Wheezie]'' You've got to play the music! :'''Max''': You're the best! :'''Ord''': Please! :'''Cassie''': Will you? :''[Zak gets mad]'' :'''Zak''': No! If we can't be the wolf.... :'''Wheezie''': We don't wanna play with you anymore. ''[both Zak and Wheezie nod their heads no, and walk out of the theater. Emmy tries to say something, but the words don't come out. Zak and Wheezie run away angrily. Cassie peeks out calling to them. Next, Emmy, Max and Ord peek out.]'' :'''Cassie''': Zak! :'''Emmy''': Wheezie! :'''Ord''': Wait! :''[Zak and Wheezie jump into their hole. Cassie runs up to the hole. Emmy, Max and Ord follow suit. They peek down the hole. They are now all sad.]'' :'''Cassie''': [sighs] I guess we'll have to do the show without them. :'''Ord''': But we need music, don't we? :'''Emmy''': ''[smiling]'' I have an idea! Come on! :''[The gang goes back to the stage. Zak and Wheezie poke their heads out of their hole and sees the gang walking away. Zak and Wheezie look at each other sadly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wolf''': I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I miss Zak and Wheezie... ===''Zak and the Beanstalk'' [1.12a]=== ===''A Feat on Her Feet'' [1.12b]=== :'''Zak''': Slow down! :''[screams]'' :'''Max''': It's Cassie. :'''Ord''': Look out! :''[all screaming]'' :'''Cassie''': Oh, no! ''[crashes]'' :'''Emmy''': Sorry, Cassie. :'''Ord''': Are you okay? :'''Cassie''': I'm fine. But, look, my poor flowers. Oh, you poor things. How I will ever get you to Singing Springs now? :'''Emmy''': Why do you need to take the flowers to Singing Springs, Cassie? :'''Cassie''': Because they're Jingle Flowers. I grow them from seeds. But, now, that they're grow up, I need to plant them at Singing Springs. Cause without the foundation music water they'll lose the Jingle Flowers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Nice skating, Cassie! :'''Cassie''': Come on, let's get the jingle flowers plant now! ===''Not Separated at Birth'' [1.13a]=== :''[Zak and Wheezie are in an argument. And they convince themselves that they want to be separated from each other forever.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[to Wheezie]'' '''I WISH I WASN'T STUCK TOGETHER WITH YOU, WHEEZIE!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[shouts back --and to Zak]'' '''REALLY?! WELL, I DOUBLE WISH IT!''' :'''Zak''': '''THEN I DOUBLE, DOUBLE WISH IT!''' :'''Quetzal''': My, my, niños. You two really wish to be separated from each other? :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ''[in chorus]'' '''YES!''' :'''Quetzal''': Then, so be it if you can. ''[he takes out a pair of pink crystals]'' Here. Take these crystals. ''[they take them]'' Now fly into the air and say: "Alakazoo, split in two." Rub the crystals together and your wish will come true. :'''Wheezie''': Come on, Zak! Let's get flapping! :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' Well, I'm not holding us up... :''[They fly into the air, each holding a crystal]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Alakazoo, split in two! :''[They rub the crystals together and appears a blinding flash of light as Emmy and Max gasp. The flight floats down to them and it clears to reveal Zak and Wheezie now with their own separate bodies.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Loooooove it! :'''Zak''': Two feet, two claws, and two wings? Too good to be true! Ha-ha-ha! :'''Max''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': I don't believe it! :'''Ord''': Did it hurt? :'''Zak''': No, it didn't. :'''Cassie''': How does it feel? :'''Wheezie''': Great! Now I can do anything I want! ''[does some somersaults]'' Whoo! See? Just me. :'''Zak''': Well, look at this... ''[does a handstand]'' A handstand, all by myself! :'''Wheezie''': ''[lands behind him]'' Watch me! ''[does some loops in the air and divebombs down]'' :'''Zak''': Careful, Wheezie! :''[Wheezie does some more tricks in the sky but suddenly she crashes into a tree and everyone gasps. She falls out as Zak and Emmy run over.]'' :'''Emmy''': Are you okay? :'''Wheezie''': Okay?! I'm better than okay! :'''Zak''': Thank goodness. I'll never have to fly too fast again. ''[flies at his own slow pace]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[yawns]'' Ho hum. :''[Later Wheezie empties out the playground equipment]'' :'''Max''': How are we gonna make all that stuff into a slide? :'''Wheezie''': It's easy. You got Wheezie. Let's go! :'''Max''': Oh, no! I forgot my other tools! :'''Ord''': Here, Max. ''[hands him tools from his pouch]'' You can use my wrench and my screwdriver, my pliers and my saw and... :'''Max''': ''[falls down and laughs]'' Ord, enough! :'''Wheezie''': ''[holding a plank and post]'' Now, which one goes where? ''[bumps the post against the plank]'' :'''Ord''': I don't think they fit, Wheezie. :'''Wheezie''': [hammers the post into the plank, denting it] Ha! They do now. :''[The slide is later fully constructed but poorly]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ta-da! Don't you just looooooooove it?! :'''Ord''': Is it supposed to look like that? :'''Wheezie''': Yeah! Wild and fun! :'''Max''': What's that stuff for? ''[he points to the parts that were never used]'' :'''Wheezie''': Uh... they're just extras. Oh, don't worry. This is gonna be super-duper! ''[she leans against the slide and suddenly it falls apart]'' :'''Wheezie''': Uh-oh. Hm, maybe those weren't extras. Zak would've known how to put it together. Oh, Zaky?! :''[Elsewhere, Zak is helping Emmy and Cassie with the drum trampoline. Wheezie walks up.]'' :'''Wheezie''': We had a teensy little problem. Could you please help us? ''[shows him the broken slide parts]'' :'''Zak''': Hmm... Huh? ''[takes out a blueprint of the slide]'' Wheezie, did you follow the directions? :'''Wheezie''': Ah, who needs those boring things? :'''Ord and Max''': We do! :'''Wheezie''': Okay, okay! Following the directions is Zak's job, but I can do it too! Thanks for the help, Zak. ''[takes it from him]'' Let's see. Where's the thingamajig? :''[Zak is working on the trampolines as Emmy and Cassie pull on the elastic bed]'' :'''Zak''': A little more... Not too tight... Not too loose... :'''Cassie and Emmy''': '''ZAK!!!!''' :'''Zak''': Sorry. Usually Wheezie tells me when we're done. ''[finishes tightening the bolts]'' There. Three perfect drum trampolines. :'''Emmy''': Yes! Now I can show you my famous bottoms-up bounce! ''[she tries to bounce but falls on her back as it dents in]'' Whoa!! :'''Cassie''': That's your big bounce? :'''Emmy''': No way! Zak, the trampoline is saggy! :'''Zak''': I know. This way we can jump nice and slow. :'''Emmy''': Slow?! But we need bouncy! You can't do good flips and knee drops unless it's bouncy! :'''Cassie''': Let me try. ''[she jumps and falls too]'' Whoa!! It's... it's... :'''Both''': Boring... :'''Zak''': I guess Wheezie would've known how to make it fun. Wheezie, can you come here? :''[The others are working on the slide and Wheezie comes over]'' :'''Zak''': What's wrong with our trampolines? :'''Wheezie''': ''[pulls on the still loose ropes]'' You just need to tighten the ropes an extra squeeze, so they'll be extra bouncy. :''[Zak does just that; he tests the trampoline]'' :'''Zak''': Thanks, Wheezie. I knew you'd know what to do. That's bouncy, all right. :'''Cassie''': Okay, Emmy, show us your big bounce! :''[Emmy bounces and flips flawlessly]'' :'''Cassie''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': Come on, you try! :'''Cassie''': ''[bounces on it]'' Whee! He-he-he-he! ''[gets off]'' Hey, Emmy, is there anything else we can do on here besides jump? :'''Emmy''': Well... :'''Ord''': Hey, everybody! Step right up! :'''Max''': The xylophone slide is now ready to go! :''[It is perfectly constructed]'' :'''Wheezie''': Whoo-hoo! See you later, alligators! ''[she slides down cheering and lands hard on the ground]'' :'''Zak''': Wheezie, are you okay? Did you get a boo-boo? Are you bleeding? :'''Wheezie''': It was fun! ...Except for the landing. :'''Ord''': So now we have a great slide. :'''Max''': With an icky landing. What are we going to do? :''[Ord pulls out a sandwich]'' :'''Ord''': Have a snack? :'''Zak''': ''[gets an idea]'' Why don't we put the slide and the trampoline... :'''Wheezie''': Together? :'''Zak''': Exactly! :''[All they move the trampolines in front of the slide]'' :'''Wheezie''': Is this the right spot, Zaky? :'''Zak''': A little over... Just right! :'''Wheezie''': Let's try it. :'''Zak''': You first, Wheezie. :'''Wheezie''': ''[takes her place]'' Look out below!!!!!!! ''[she slides down and bounces across the trampolines coming in for a perfect landing]'' Looooooove it! Zaky, you're up! :'''Zak''': All by myself? Only me? Nobody else? Will you come with me, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': Sure. :''[They sit at the top of the slide together]'' :'''Zak''': Ready, Freddy? :'''Wheezie''': Okey-dokey, artichoke-y! :''[They slide and bounce laughing and shouting happily]'' :'''Zak''': That was fun! :''[The others cheer them happy]'' :'''Others''': Let's go!/I wanna try!/Me next!/Don't forget me! :''[Quetzal comes back]'' :'''Quetzal''': Fantástico! You did a great job putting everything together. Is it fun? :'''Wheezie''': It's fun-tastic! But I have an idea that will make it even better. ''[whispers into Zak's ear]'' :'''Zak''': Great idea, Wheezie. :''[They both whisper to Quetzal]'' :'''Max''': What idea? I don't get it. :'''Wheezie''': Quetzal, can we? :'''Zak''': Pretty please, with a fireball on top? :'''Emmy''': Tell me. I wanna know! :'''Quetzal''': ''[gets out the crystals from before]'' I think it's a wonderful idea. :'''Cassie''': What is? :'''Quetzal''': ''[as Zak and Wheezie take the crystals]'' Fly into the air and say: "Alakazoo, stick like glue." Then rub the crystals together. :'''Zak''': Come on, Wheezie! :''[Both they hold hands and fly up]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Alakazoo, stick like glue! :''[They rub the crystals; a blinding flash of light as it comes down and it clears revealing Zak and Wheezie have returned to their original two-headed self.]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Ha-ha, yeah!/We did it! :''[They high five and fly around happily]'' :'''Max''': Now I get it! :'''Cassie''': They're our Zak and Wheezie again! :'''Emmy''': Definitely! ===''A Kite for Quetzal'' [1.13b]=== :'''Max''': I guess we'll just have to go home now. Huh, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': Guess so, Max. ===''Dragon Drop'' [1.14a]=== ===''Cassie Loves a Parade'' [1.14b]=== :'''Cassie''': I really, really wanted to ride on that float. It's not fair. It's just not fair. Whoa! ''[Cassie hits the tree, spider web and the flower!]'' It's just hate today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Uh, how are we gonna stop this thing? :'''Emmy''': Easy. You can fly us out of here. :'''Ord''': Oh, yeah. :'''Zak''' and '''Wheezie''': Oh, yeah. :'''Cassie''': Oh, yeah. :'''Cassie''': Yeah. I was sad because I didn't get picked for the book float. ''[giggles]'' And I ended up having fun anyway. :'''Emmy''': Let's go. :'''Quetzal''': Have fun, niños. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Hey I never did get my chocolate milkshake. :'''Mom''': ''Emmy? Max? Anyone for ice cream?'' :'''Emmy''': Coming, Mom. :'''Max''': Hey, wait for me. ===''A Cool School'' [1.15a]=== :'''Ord''': Slam dunk... :'''Max''': For Air Ord-an! ===''Max's Comic Adventure'' [1.15b]=== ===''It Happened One Nightmare'' [1.16a]=== ===''Staying Within the Lines'' [1.16b]=== :''[The next scene shows Dragon Land not in color and it's all white and monochrome.]'' :'''Ord''': Max! Emmy! I'm so glad you got here. :'''Max''': Hey, where's our hug, Ord? :'''Ord''': Not now, Max. We got work to do. :'''Quetzal''': Hola, niños! :'''Emmy''': Hola, Quetzal! :'''Max''': Hi! :'''Quetzal''': We all have something very important to do. Look over there. :'''Emmy''': What happen to all the color? :'''Cassie''': It got washed away by a big rain storm. :'''Ord''': Even our school. :'''Quetzal''': Si, that's why I brought these. You all go to the Stickleback Mountains. I'll color in the School in the Sky, you can help color in the rest. :'''Emmy''': But you can't color in a real mountain. :'''Quetzal''': In Dragon Land, you can! :'''Max''': I love to color. This is gonna be fun! :'''Ord''': Come on, everyone! Let's go! :'''Quetzal''': But be careful, niños! There's a giant sleeping in the Stickleback Mountains and if he's awaken, he can be quite grumpy! :'''Max''': Wow! It looks like a giant coloring book! :'''Emmy''': Yeah! Before it's been colored! :''[Ord and Cassie landed, Max and Emmy got off of their backs. They see the Knuckerhole, hear Zak and Wheezie's voice and see them pop out of the Knuckerhole in the air.]'' :'''Emmy''': Zak! Wheezie! :''[Zak and Wheezie land on the ground]'' :'''Wheezie''': We came as soon as we got Quetzal's message! :'''Zak''': Wh-what's wrong? :'''Max''': There's no color. :'''Wheezie''': No color? Haaatte it! it looks so... :'''Zak''': Neat and clean? '''LOOOOVE IT!''' ''[laugh]'' Why messing it up by coloring it? :'''The Gang''': ''[annoying]'' '''ZAK!!!''' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Zak''': That leaves a knucker hole for you and me, Wheezie... :'''Wheezie''': ''[filling the brush with paint of various colors]'' Oooooooh, I just love coloring, it's so... so... colorful! :''[They go to the knucker hole with a paintbrush and Wheezie paints it with all the colors of the rainbow]'' :'''Zak''': ''[scolding her]'' Wheezie... Knucker holes are supposed to be brown. :'''Wheezie''': Uh-uh... They're prettier in rainbow... :''[Zak won't let him paint the knucker hole that color and Wheezie throws the paintbrush with paint in his snout, much to his disgust.]'' :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' You look prettier in rainbow too, Zaky. ===''Follow the Dots'' [1.17a] === <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': Like Mexican chili pepper. I know. I'll count them in Spanish. ''Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis.'' That's 6. :'''Max''': Look, Ord. Dandelions! :'''Ord''': One, two... three, four, five, six... ( ''groaning '' ) seven. ( ''sneezes'' ) :'''Max''': Bless you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I found another dot! :'''Ord''': I don't see anything we can count. :'''Max''': I do. ''Stinky-dink bugs!'' ( ''muffled'' ) You write the number this time, because I gotta hold my nose. :'''Ord''': ( ''muffled'' ) Okay, Max. :'''Max''': One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Phew! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Let's do some more connect the dots, Max. :'''Max''': Here's one. :'''Emmy''': I wonder what it's a picture of. :'''Max''': Maybe, a race car, or a dinosaur. Or a... :'''Max and Emmy''': ''Norm The Number Gnome!'' ( ''music song ends'' ) ===''A Smashing Success'' [1.17b]=== :''[After Wheezie blamed Cassie and said it was Cassie who broke her trumpet and after Emmy's lie got her --Cassie-- and Zak in trouble.]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[crying --and to Emmy]'' '''THANKS A LOT, EMMY!''' :''[Cassie cries. That is, after Emmy's lie got her --Cassie-- in trouble when Wheezie pinned the blame on her. Then, Cassie says...!]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[in between tears]'' '''NOW WHEEZIE IS NOT SPEAKING TO ME EVER AGAIN, AND I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING!''' :''[Cassie says that thanks to Emmy, Wheezie is not going to speak to her again. And she didn't do anything. After Cassie accuses Emmy --for making Wheezie blame her-- she resumes crying. When Emmy --so she would not get in trouble with Wheezie for breaking her trumpet-- did not tell Wheezie, who had blamed both Zak and Cassie. So Emmy knew her lie had gotten both Zak and Cassie in such trouble.]'' :'''Max''': We have to tell Quetzal. :'''Emmy''': Max? Wait! ''[Meanwhile, Quetzal was hanging some of the lights up on the shack, when Emmy and Max came up to tell him the situation.]'' :'''Max''': ''[panting]'' Emmy's in BIG trouble, because she wouldn't tell. :'''Quetzal''': Wouldn't tell what, Em? :'''Emmy''': Uh, a story. I mean, I needed to ask you a question, Quetzal, and I, uh... I have to tell you a story to do it. :'''Quetzal''': I see. I think. :'''Emmy''': Well! Uh... There's this little mouse with ribbon in her hair. :'''Quetzal''': ''Sí.'' :'''Emmy''': And she accidentally broke something that belonged to a two-headed turtle. :'''Quetzal''': ''Sí,'' go on. :'''Emmy''': And, well, the Little Mouse didn't know how to tell the Two-Headed Turtle what she did. What should she have done, Quetzal? :'''Quetzal''': Well! If ''I'' were that Little Mouse with a red ribbon on my hair, I would have stood up straight, taken a deep breath, and told ''Wheezie'' that I broke her trumpet. :'''Emmy''': Huh? How did you know?! :'''Max''': I didn't tell him. :'''Quetzal''': It's not important how I knew. What is important is what you are going to do about it. :'''Emmy''': I guess if a friend broke something of mine, I'd want them to tell me. :'''Ord''': Tell you what? ''[He and the others come by.]'' :'''Max''': That she broke it. :'''Cassie''': Who broke it? :'''Max''': The Little Mouse. :'''Zak''': Broke what? :'''Emmy''': Your trumpet. :'''Wheezie''': A little mouse broke my trumpet? :'''Max''': ''[chuckles]'' :'''Emmy''': OK, I'm just going to do it. ''[draws deep breath]'' I broke your trumpet, Wheezie! I thought you'd be mad at me so I hid it. Then, I tried to fix it, but that only made it worse, so I asked Cassie to tell you, and, well, that didn't help either. :'''Wheezie''': You should've just told me, Emmy, and then I wouldn't have made Zak or Cassie feel bad. ''[to Zak and Cassie]'' Sorry. :'''Zak and Cassie''': That's OK, Wheezie. :'''Emmy''': I know I should say I'm sorry. I bet no one wants to be ''my'' friend any more... :'''Cassie''': Of course we do. :'''Emmy''': You do?! ''[Cassie nodded]'' ''[to Wheezie]'' How about you, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': I'm pretty glad you told me, Emmy. Of course we're still friends. ''[She and Emmy hug each other.]'' :'''Ord''': We'll just have to play our song another time. :'''Quetzal''': Maybe not, Ord. ''[He sprinkled some of his magic on the trumpet, which gets fixed.]'' :'''Wheezie''': My trumpet! You've fixed it, for real! :'''Emmy''': Thank you, Quetzal. :'''Cassie''': You're the greatest! :'''Zak''': It's almost show time. :'''Ord''': Come on! ----- :'''Max''': Uh, Emmy, I have something to tell you. :'''Emmy''': What's wrong now? :'''Max''': I think I broke your dolly. :'''Emmy''': Oh, that old thing? It's always falling apart. :'''Max''': You mean, it's already broken, and you're not mad at me? :'''Emmy''': Definitely not. :'''Max''': Good, because... Remember your tea set? :'''Emmy''': Max?! ''[giggles]'' ===''Quibbling Siblings'' [1.18a]=== *'''Zak''': '''NO SLEEP, NO BREAKFAST, NO NOTHING! AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, I CANNOT FIND MY MAGNIFYING GLASS!''' *''[By that saying of Zak, Zak is not going to speak to Wheezie ever again once he gets back his sleep, breakfast, and magnifying glass.]'' <hr width="70%"/> *'''Wheezie''': I wonder why Zakie is so mad at me. *'''Emmy''': Well, you made him angry. *'''Wheezie''': ''[in disbelief]'' '''ARE YOU KIDDING?!''' Name one thing that I could possibly do to make him mad. *'''Max''': ''[for first reason]'' You kept him up all night with your banging. *'''Wheezie''': All right! Name two things that I could have done. *'''Emmy''': ''[for second reason]'' You ruined his breakfast. *'''Max''': ''[also for second reason]'' And you took his magnifying glass. *'''Wheezie''': You think that is why Zak is so made at me? *''[Zak takes off his alone cone.]'' *'''Zak''': ''[in a sing-songy voice]'' '''♪ I CAN'T HEAR YOU!♪ ''' *''[He gets angry.]'' *'''Zak''': '''BUT YES!''' *''[He puts the cone back on his head and resumes hiding in it.]'' ===''Wheezie's Hairball'' [1.18b]=== ===''A Tall Tale'' [1.19a]=== ===''Stormy Weather'' [1.19b]=== :'''Max''': Super Max Isn't Afraid Of You Know What? :'''Emmy''': Definitley! ===''Blowin' in the Wind'' [1.20a]=== ===''No Hitter'' [1.20b]=== :"'Max"': I Didn't Mean to make Emmy Sick. ===''Do Not Pass Gnome'' [1.21a]=== ===''Treasure Hunt'' [1.21b]=== ===''The Jumping Bean Express'' [1.22a]=== ===''Get Offa My Cloud'' [1.22b]=== ===''Backwards to Forwards'' [1.23a]=== ===''Sounds Like Trouble'' [1.23b]=== ===''The Greatest Show in Dragon Land'' [1.24a]=== ===''Prepare According to Instructions'' [1.24b]=== ===''Wheezie's Last Laugh'' [1.25a]=== :'''Zak''': ''[to Mr. Pop]'' Mr. Pop? I have a great sound for you! :''[Zak takes away Mr. Pop's laugh.]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': Really? A very funny one? :''[After Zak and Wheezie stole Mr. Pop's laugh, they replace it with a donkey sound. The donkey sound --which Mr. Pop had stole-- must have came from a donkey. And he --Mr. Pop-- had replaced the donkey bray on the donkey with a different animal sound.]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[Insert donkey brays here]''! '''MY LAUGH!''' ''[Insert donkey brays here]''! :'''Wheezie''': Now you know how it feels to lose your favorite ''[imitates laugh]''! :''[The incident makes Mr. Pop feel how Wheezie felt when he took away her laugh. First, he switched the sounds of all the farm animals. He made the cow sound like a frog, the rooster sound like a cow, and the frog sound like a rooster. And now, he took away Wheezie's laugh too. In the meantime, Mr. Pop says...!]'' :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[in between donkey brays]'' I sure do! And it feels awful! :''[After Mr. Pop says this, he resumes donkey brays.]'' :'''Zak''': ''[to Mr. Pop]'' I will give you your laugh back, if you give my sister her laugh back. :'''Mr. Pop''': ''[in between donkey brays]'' Okay. You win. ===''Frog Prints'' [1.25b]=== ===''Crash Landings'' [1.26a]=== ===''The Big Cake Mix-up'' [1.26b]=== :'''Zak''': Wait! Something’s not right. ''[looks over the stuff on the table]'' Hmmm, I know. The bowl is going to be too small, and everything’s gonna spill and make a big mess! :'''Cassie''': Maybe there’s a bigger bowl in the cupboard. :'''Zak''': Good idea. <hr width="82%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Perfect! It's time to bake it! :'''Zak''': Oh, no! We can't! :'''Max''': Why not? :'''Zak''': 'Cause we're not allowed to use the oven without Mom... ''["Mom" is mistakenly heard as "Bob"]'' :'''Wheezie''': I can fix that... '''Mom???'' <hr width="82%"/> :'''Mom''': ''Max, Emmy!'' :'''Emmy''': Uh-oh. :'''Max''': What? :'''Emmy''': I think. There's something we didn't plan too well. :'''Max''': What? :'''Mom''': ''Dinnertime!'' :'''Both''': Aw... ===''Quetzal's Magic Pop-Up Book'' [1.27a]=== ===''My Way or Snow Way'' [1.27b]=== ===''Sand Castle Hassle'' [1.28a]=== :'''Zak''': They're coming! :'''Ord''': The turtle dragons? :'''Zak''': No, the waves! ===''True Blue Friend'' [1.28b]=== :'''Max''': Then, follow me to Dragon Land. ===''Zak Takes a Dive'' [1.29a]=== :'''Quetzal''': Ord Por favor leave some water for the lake for the others :''[Ord Smiles]'' :'''Max''' Come on let's make a big splash like Ord! :'''Quetzal:''': Don't forget to put on your dragon wings :'''Max:''': Dragon wings Cool <hr width="50%"/> :''[They try to swim but use the wrong arm strokes]'' :'''Wheezie''': Was that better? :'''Zak''': No! We didn't go anywhere. ===''Under the Weather'' [1.29b]=== ===''My Emmy or Bust'' [1.30a]=== :''[Max hears Emmy close the door.]'' :'''Max''': Oh, no! Huh? :''[Emmy goes into the car --to go shopping at the grocery store with their dad-- unaware of the dragons calling.]'' :'''Max''': '''EMMY...!? YOU GOT TO COME BACK!''' ''[echoes]'' Where did you go? :''[The car drives away. Mom --Emmy and Max's mother-- comes out of her bedroom. And she asks Max...!]'' :'''Mom''': ''[from in the hall --and offscreen]'' Max? Did you call me? :''[But their mom is unaware that Emmy was going grocery shopping with their dad. And Max was left behind --that is, to go to Dragon Land without Emmy. What is more, Emmy --on the other hand-- is going shopping with their dad. That is, even though she was supposed to go to Dragon Land with Max.]'' :'''Max''': ''[calls back]'' No, Mom! :''[Mom --Max and Emmy's mother-- leaves, blissfully unaware. Max turns back to himself. And he says...!]'' :'''Max''': The dragons are calling! I just don't want to go without Emmy. But you have no idea... '''WHAT IF THEY NEED ME!?''' :''[Max takes out the dragon scale. And he says the rhyme.]'' :'''Max''': ''[with the dragon scale]'' ''I wish, I wish,'' :''with all my heart,'' :''To fly with dragons in a land apart.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[as she gets back home from the supermarket with their dad]'' You should have come, Max! Dad gave me a quarter so I could ride on the big blue dinosaur which was in front of the store. :'''Max''': That is nothing. Because I went to Dragon Land by myself. ''[he tells Emmy about his adventure without her]'' I was captain of a submarine. And I was searching for a missing sea dragon. :'''Emmy''': Oh, Max! Am I glad to see you! :''[Emmy talks to Max about the dinosaur at the supermarket. Their dad had given Emmy a quarter and Emmy she got to ride the dinosaur in front of the supermarket.]'' :'''Emmy''': Just because I got to ride the dinosaur (at the supermarket), you do not need to make up a story. ===''Light My Firebreath'' [1.30b]=== :'''Emmy''': Ready. :'''Max''': Here goes. :''[bubbling]'' :'''Emmy''': Let me try. ''[blows]'' :'''Max''': Blow harder. :'''Emmy''': Ew. ''[laughs]'' Okay, enough volcanoes. Let's go to Dragon Land. :'''Max''': Good idea. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. ===''Follow the Leader'' [1.31a]=== ===''Max and the Magic Carpet'' [1.31b]=== ===''Rope Trick'' [1.32a]=== ===''Baby Troubles'' [1.32b]=== ===''Small Time'' [1.33a]=== :'''Ord''': That's weird. You wouldn't think they'd only send her backpack. ''[holds up Emmy's backpack]'' :'''Zak''': Huh? How come Emmy's backpack is here? :'''Wheezie''': And Emmy isn't? :'''Cassie''': Where'd you find that, Ord? :'''Ord''': Right beside these flowers. :'''Cassie''': Careful, Ord, those are shrinking violets. When they bloom, they shrink anything they touch! :'''Ord''': ''[pulling his finger away]'' Oh! :'''Wheezie''': Hey, what's this? ''[picks up the shrunken kickball]'' I found a marble that looks like a dragon ball. :'''Cassie''': Say, that looks just like Emmy's kickball. It must've shrunk. ''[gasps]'' What if Max and Emmy touched the Shrinking Violets? :'''Zak''': Well, then they'd shrink down to teeny, tiny... Oh, No! They shrunk! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Monster caterpoozle! :'''Emmy''': It's just a regular caterpoozle. :'''Max''': We're tiny! ===''Roller Coaster Dragon'' [1.33b]=== :'''Wheezie''': I want to ride the roller coaster dragon so bad I can taste it! :'''Ord''': Really? What does it taste like? :'''Cassie''': Ha ha ha! It's just an expression, Ord! :'''Ord''': Oh. What's an expression taste like? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Hurry up! We have to get our snacks and get back in line before the roller coaster comes back! :'''Server Dragon''': Do I look an octopus, kid? I only have six arms! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mom''': ''Max! Emmy! I'm going to the store to get dinner and ice cream. Be back in 15 minutes!'' :'''Kids''': Ice cream!?! :'''Max''': Only 15 minutes? I can wait that long, easy! :'''Emmy''': Me, too. Let's draw. :''[They sit down and draw pictures]'' :'''Max''': I drew a circle. Your turn. :'''Emmy''': ''There's a triangle.'' :''[Suddenly they realize what they drew]'' :'''Max''': Oh, no! It looks like an ice cream cone! :'''Kids''': MOM! :''[They realize they have to wait as the view goes black]'' ===''Up, Up and Away'' [1.34a]=== :'''All''': Good. Whoa! ''[all screaming]'' ===''Wild Time'' [1.34b]=== ===''Bad Share Day'' [1.35a]=== :''[Emmy finds a keyboard in the playroom and starts playing a song on it. She sings [[w:Three Blind Mice|Three Blind Mice]]. That is, as she sings...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[singing while playing her toy keyboard]'' ''Three blind mice, three blind mice,'' :''See how they run, see how they run.'' :'''Max''': ''[giggles]'' That's funny! :''[Next Emmy tries another song. It is called [[w:Baa Baa Black Sheep|Baa Baa Black Sheep]]. That is, as she sings...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[singing while playing her toy keyboard again]'' ''Baa, baa, black sheep,'' :''Have you any wool?'' :''[Max wants to play the keyboard too. So he says...!]'' :'''Max''': Let me try. :''[Emmy refuses to let Max have a turn. And she says...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angrily]'' '''NAH-UH! I AM PLAYING WITH IT! (I HAD IT FIRST!)''' :''[Max tries to tell their mom. That is, about Emmy not sharing the keyboard. So he says...!]'' :'''Max''': ''[to Mom]'' '''MOM?! EMMY IS NOT SHARING THE KEYBOARD (AGAIN)!''' :'''Mom''': ''[from outside the playroom --and to Max]'' ''Try to find something else until it's your turn, Max.'' :''[Max --who quickly buries the hatchet-- completely forgets about the keyboard and then, regards to Dragon Land.]'' :'''Max''': Maybe Ord has something cool to share with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': If I don't take my crayon back now, it'll be too late! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emmy''': You can use it. :'''Max''': I didn't want to use, Emmy. I only wait it to share it. Can't we play it together? ===''Whole Lotta Maracas Goin' On'' [1.35b]=== :'''Emmy''': ''Wake up, sleepyhead.'' :'''Max''': ''[yawns]'' I'm tired. ===''Ord Sees the Light'' [1.36a]=== ===''The Ugly Dragling'' [1.36b]=== ===''Out with the Garbage'' [1.37a]=== ===''Lights, Camera, Dragons'' [1.37b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' What's that? :'''Emmy''': It's my dad's video camera. I'm taping you right now! :'''Wheezie''': Ooh! I just love being in videos, they're so... ''[makes faces at the camera and laughs]'' :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Wheezie! We you're making us look silly! ''[approaching the camera]'' '''HI, MOM! HI DAD! IT'S ME, ZAK!''' ''["Mom" is mistakenly heard as "Bob"]'' :''[When suddenly Ord appears worried covering Zak and Wheezie and looking for Cheddar, his mouse]'' :'''Ord''': Hey! Did you two see Cheddar? :'''Zak''': ''[pushing it]'' Who cares about cheese, Ord? You're interrumpting my scene! ''[he and Wheezie make funny faces at the camera]'' :'''Ord''': I'm not talking about cheese... I'm looking from my dragon mouse, Cheddar. He ran into that knucker hole. :'''Wheezie''': So that's who scared Zak. :'''Zak''': He zipped right under out feet! Nearly tripped me. <hr width="70%"/> :'''Ord''': Cheddar! :'''Quetzal''': ''No...'' It's tuna fish. :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' No, no, no, Cheddar's the name of the mouse! :'''Zak''': He's Ord pet, but he run away. :''[Cheddar runs away with Quetzal's sandwich and Emmy records the scene]'' <hr width="70%"/> :'''Quetzal''': ''Jamón''. :'''Max''': Ham! :'''Quetzal''': ''Tomate''. :'''Max''': Tomato! :'''Quetzal''': ''Mostaza''. :'''Max''': Mustard! ''[laughs]'' <hr width="70%"/> :'''Max''': More cheese! :'''Ord''': I like olives! :'''Zak''': No ''jalapeños'', please. <hr width="70%"/> :'''Max''': ''[while Emmy is recording]'' I'm captain submarine of the sandwich patrol, and you're toast! ''[showing Cheddar]'' :''[Quetzal, Ord, Cassie, Zak and Wheezie gasp surprised and then Emmy and Max laugh.]'' ===''Bully for You'' [1.38a]=== ===''The Great White Cloud Whale'' [1.38b]=== :'''Captain Scallywag: Arrgh! Ooh, we've lost him. Ohh, I'll never see me ship again... :'''Emmy''': Don't give up, Captain Scallywag. :'''Cassie''': Yeah! Maybe we can help you think of another way to catch the Cloud Whale. :'''Wheezie''': Oh!... oh!... oh!... I bet he'd come if he heard a nice whale song... :'''Zak''': We don't know any whale songs. Do we? :'''Wheezie''': Sure we do! ♪ Oh, where, oh, where has my big cloud whale gone?... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' That's a dog song! :'''Wheezie''': Not anymore... ♪ Oh, where, oh, where can he be? With his ears cut short... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Whales don't have any ears! :'''Wheezie''': ♪ And his tail cut long, oh, please, come back to Wheezie. ♪ ''[she laughs while Zak gets angry]'' :'''Max''': Nice song! Too bad it didn't work... ===''To Do or Not to Do'' [1.39a]=== :'''Zak''': Please don't tell me we're really in the stomach of a giant Dragonocerous! :'''Glimmer''': Honey, you're really in the stomach of a giant Dragonocerous. :'''Zak''': I told you not to tell me that! ===''Much Ado About Nodlings'' [1.39b]=== :''[In the grass, the little Nodlings are all arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously in fury and they started kicking and punching over the broken wagon.]'' :'''Max''': Have you ever had a fight what are they saying? :'''Wheezie''': They are have all argued! :''[It is true --true to what Wheezie says. The nodlings are really furious fist, This Challenge Erupted Into A Violence Argument Of Fury, Angry, Mad.]'' :'''Zak''': Because you’ve never seen a fight this broken wagon! :'''Cassie''': And now they don’t have anything to carry their mush trees in! :'''Max''': What’s a mush tree? :'''Ord''': It’s like a war mushroom! Only it’s a war tree. Well, THAT'S a war dragons like us, but to the little Nodlings, these are really huge. And they cut them down, eat their fruit, and chop them up into firewood to keep themselves warm in the winter. But without their wagon, the Nodlings start arguing very angry without anything to carry their mush trees home. And then they would be cold and even worse, heartbreaking! :'''The Giant of Nod''': [Offscreen, Growls Loudly And Then He Violently Fires A Gun To stop an argument, outraged evilly] '''SILENCE!!!!!!!!''' :'''Ord''': ''[frightened]'' It’s the Giant of Nod! :''[The Giant of Nod --furiously-- makes his way through the grass right up to the dragons. He eventually makes it to the pathway. And --almost that quickly-- he furiously storms to the entrance to the nodlings's house where he and the little nodlings stop from fighting.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Huh, I still can’t believe that giant was being so mean, nasty, rude and bossy! :''[Wheezie growls angrily, realizing too late he's been exposed.]'' :'''Zak''': [sternly] You don't scare me. You deliberately disobeyed! :''[The Giant of Nod -- Suddenly Snaps And He Launches Out A Megaphone Very Angry.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[Thunders Angrily From Echoes In His Speaker Into An Rage Outburst To the Little Nodling Military] '''YOU WILL GONNA BE THE NODLING SOLDIERS, I AM THE GIGANTIC BOSSY KING SERGEANT, YOUR HEIRS!!!!!''' :''[The little nodlings salutes their leader --the Giant of Nod-- the wagon that Max broke. The Giant of Nod turns to the little nodlings. And when they --the little nodlings-- snarl and snap at the Giant of Nod what about happened to their wagon --and about a child boy breaking it-- they are very angry. That is, and so is the Giant of Nod. After the nodlings --angrily-- tell their leader the Giant of Nod, the Giant of Nod commands, with orders to march towards this. He --the Giant of Nod-- gets marching orders the little nodlings said to him. And he shakes his fist in rages out of series bossiness to Max, Emmy, and the dragon group, then he angrily screams into his megaphone which get more tense by flinches lividly the old wagon.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[losing control of his rage and yelling from echoes in his speaker, violently stomps on the broken wagon]'' '''YOU WILL JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ALL OF THAT HURTFUL THING'S THROUGH YOUR RUDE HEIRS IN FIRED!!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!''' :'''All''': [in unison, furious loudly] '''SIR, YES, SIR, KING SERGEANT!!!!''' ''[The Giant of Nod --when he angrily screams "'''DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?!'''"-- he commands an barking order. After commanding an barking order, everyone --Emmy, Ord, Cassie, and Zak and Wheezie-- in response to him --the Giant of Nod-- look at Max. And they angrily arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously and they started kicking and punching each other.]'' :'''Max''': ''[While Emmy, Ord, Cassie, and Zak and Wheezie arguing, shouting, fighting and yelling furiously and they started kicking and punching each other, then he irritating turns to the Giant of Nod threateningly enraged]'' '''NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID!''' You are out of order, you jerk!!! You just a show-off and boast, I did because sometimes I'm too bossy!! :''[The Giant of Nod angrily turns to Max.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[from echoes in his speaker --and to Max]'' '''I'M THE BOSSY KING SERGEANT!!! I WILL BOTH YOU AND THEN DWEEB IS STUPID ONE DAY, YOUR GOING TO COMMAND YOU TO GUILTY, I SAY, GUILTY!!! GUILTY, GUILTY!!!! I'LL SMASH YOUR WAGON!!! HEAR ME!?!?''' :''[By the saying of the Giant of Nod, he --even though Max is difficult being angry king when the giant of nod boss everyone into doing frivolous things at the wrong time he was-- says Max from fighting it deliberately. And he demands that Max losing control of his outrage without his little nodlings's wagon immediately.]'' :'''Max''': [mad] '''THAT'S IT!!''' Do this, do that! You're just too bossy to break it. It was way too bossy would never do what you did! Never! So you '''LEAVE ME ALONE!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': ''[becoming enraged from echoes in his speaker --and to Max]'' '''QUIET!!! I WILL DESTROY YOU GUYS!!! I’m never let you again! Never, Never, NEVER letting mention that name in my presence, You are one with the order of the Sith Lords. Henceforth, you shall be known as Young Sergeant without hear of you going to FIGHT WITH NO NODLINGS TO CARRY OUR MUSH TREES!!!!!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [yelling loudly ticked off] '''I'M GOING TO BE THE KILLER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?! YOU, ARE, FIRED!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [angry] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!''' :'''Max''': [thunders angrily] '''YOU ARE FIRED!!!''' :'''The Giant Of Nod''': [angrily frustration] '''I'D HATE YOU!!!!!''' :'''Max''': [losing control of his outrage, angrily yells] '''I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [loud frustration] '''SHUT UP, JERK!!!''' :'''Max''': [angry roars] '''I WISH I WILL NEVER BEEN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [frustration lividly] '''THAT'S IT!! GET THE SARGENT OUT IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!! I'LL SMASH YOUR BROKEN WAGON!!!!!!! :''[So the Giant of Nod is very angry without it; Because he angrily growls, furiously commands the little nodlings having no place to carry their mush trees. That is, as he storms off in anger and says --in unison, enraged echoes on the megaphone-- "'''HE ADMITS MY NODLINGS WITH NO PLACE TO EXPLODE OUR MUSH TREES!!! I'D HATE YOU!!!!!'''". So he barked orders Max to go away without fix his little nodlings's wagon.]'' <hr width="100%"/> :''[At dragon's military school, Sergeant Max commands the nodlings the "wagon section" of his bulldozer so they can carry their mush trees. That is, to replace the broken wagon.]'' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [It sure is becoming angry] Recruits, you've lost your temper, so you become a loser!! We're doomed who’s being such a bully!! It's your fault because you were going our separate ways forever. So, this is… This is your dumb the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous straight to stomp your guts out! Do you deny it, Max!?! :'''Max''': [salutes] '''Sir, WRONG, sir!! WRONG, sir!!!''' :'''The Giant of Nod''': [sighs then smiles to apologizes about being difficult being still wrecked them and the king, even though it was on purpose and boss everyone into doing frivolous things at the wrong time.] Oh, Good. Well Done, Max. Thank You. Now You're Not A Sergeant. You're good, kid. Outstanding! As long as I'm around you're second best. I'm sorry I was barking order at you. It's just take some time cut down more masteries than ever, but together, we will build my nodlings will be able to our army. I'll show them. :'''Max''': I'm sorry I was so cross. :'''The Giant of Nod''': I know you don't like argument because sometimes I'm too bossy. :'''Max''': I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mr. Nod. :'''The Giant of Nod''': [forgives him and accepts his apology, comforting] Me too. ===''Don't Bug Me!'' [1.40a]=== :'''Emmy''': ''[finding Max in the playroom]'' Max? ''[Notices a rubber spider and shrieks]'' :'''Max''': Scared ya! ===''Over and Over'' [1.40b]=== ==Season 2 (2001-2002)== ===''Lucky Stone'' [2.01a]=== :'''Max''': Pilot to co-pilot. Ready for take off. :'''Emmy''': Ready, Captain Max. ( ''grunting'' ) ( ''laughing'' ) :'''Emmy''': Good flying. Now, it's my turn. :'''Max''': I know where we could fly next. :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': Hello! Anybody there? :'''Emmy''': Zak? Wheezie? Cassie? :'''Max''': Ord? Where is everybody? Wait. Watch me skip this rock. 2 times! :'''Emmy''': Cool. Let me try. Oh, well. :'''Max''': Whoa! Look at this. :'''Emmy''': It's shaped like a heart. :'''Max''': Watch it jump. Ta-da! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': Aw, it was ''nothing''. ( ''no audio'' ) ( ''whistle blows'' ) <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Max''': Watch me fly! :'''Emmy''': Max, what are you doing? :'''Max''': 3 loop-de-loops, 4 aerial zig-zags, and a round-spring-back-hand-off! ===''The Mefirst Wizard'' [2.01b]=== ===''Cassie Catches Up'' [2.02a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''[sighs]'' I feel so bad I let Emmy down. :''[first lines]'' :'''Emmy''': [making shadow puppets] See? This one's a dog and this one's a rabbit. Can you guess what this one is? :'''Max''': Um, a bat? :'''Emmy''': Right! And he's coming to get you... :''[last lines]'' :'''Max''': We could have a jumping contest and a spinning with your eyes shut contest. :'''Mom''': Max! Emmy! Time for lunch! :'''Emmy''': How about a contest to see who can eat the most spaghetti? :'''Max''': I'd win that! :'''Emmy''': Not if I get the spaghetti first! :'''Max''': Heh heh, wait up! ===''Very Berry'' [2.02b]=== :''[first lines]'' :'''Max''': Hey, look, Emmy. I have a banana nose. :'''Emmy''': Hold on. I've almost finished my book. Are you done with your puzzle yet? :''[last lines]'' :'''Max and Emmy''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. :'''Emmy''': Hey, look out the window! It's started to rain. And you know what that means. :'''Max''': Lots and lots of mud puddles! :'''Emmy''': Wait for me! :'''Ord''': Ohh... ''[his stomach starts making very loud noises]'' I've ate so many berries before... Should I... or shouldn't I? Well, maybe just a little bite. :'''Max''': My Daddy once read me a story where a bear who got stuck in a hole. 'Cause he too much honey. :'''Zak''': Really? How did he get out? :'''Max''': He stayed there until he got thin again, then he popped out! ===''Finders Keepers'' [2.03a]=== ===''Remember the Pillow Fort'' [2.03b]=== :'''Wheezie''': ♪ The wind blows a breezy through Wheezie's treezies... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[annoying]'' Ohhhhhh... If I hear another song about the wind blowing through something like... Ohhhhhh... :'''Wheezie''': ''[repentant]'' Oh... You right, you right. :'''Max''': Hi, Zak and Wheezie, what's wrong? :'''Wheezie''': Oh, hi, Max. We're supposed to bring a new song to our music lesson tomorrow and it's supposed to be about feelings, but we can't think of anything good. :'''Zak''': And we've been trying for days! :'''Wheezie''': Oh!... oh!... oh!... How about...? ♪ Ord is tall and Max is short, they both built a pillow fort... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[scolding hers]'' Wheezie, feelings, like happy and sad! :'''Wheezie''': I know, I know... :'''Ord''': '''MAX, I CAN'T FIND ANYMORE PURPLE PILLOWS, I THINK YOU USED THEM ALL UP!''' :'''Max''': That's because I'm making a purple fort and you're making a red fort, Ord. :'''Ord''': But I wanted to make a tunnel just like yours! :'''Max''': '''BUT YOU CAN'T, PURPLE'S MY COLOR AND RED IS YOURS!''' :'''Ord''': '''FINE!''' I've never like purple anyway. :'''Max''': '''WHAT'S WRONG WITH PURPLE?! PURPLE'S BETTER THAN RED!''' :'''Ord''': '''NUH-UH! RED IS BETTER THAN PURPLE!''' :'''Max''': '''IS NOT!''' :'''Ord''': '''IS TOO!''' :''[is repeated]'' :'''Zak''': Oh! Now this is good! :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': ♪ Is not! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Is too... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ Is not! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Is too... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ I'm mad! ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Mad at you. ♪ :'''Max''': '''PURPLE'S GOOD!''' :'''Ord''': '''RED IS BETTER!''' :'''Emmy''': What are you yelling about? :'''Ord''': '''MAX AND I ARE HAVING A FIGHT!''' :'''Cassie''': What about? :'''Max''': '''ORD THINKS IS RED FORT IS BETTER THAN MY PURPLE FORT!''' :'''Ord''': '''MAX THINKS IS PURPLE FORT IS BETTER THAN MY RED FORT!''' :'''Emmy''': Why fight? Both of your forts are nice. :'''Cassie''': Yeah! They look great! :'''Max''': But don't you think purple's great, Cassie? :'''Ord''': But red is nice is too, Emmy, just like apples! I know you like apples! :'''Emmy''': Well, red is pretty nice. Just look at it, Cassie... :'''Cassie''': But that purple is the same color as grapes. I love grapes. :'''Emmy''': '''YOU'RE WRONG! PURPLE ISN'T BETTER THAN RED!''' :'''Cassie''': '''I'M NOT WRONG!''' :''[They both regret their fight]'' :'''Cassie''': Wait! Why are we fighting? :'''Emmy''': Ah... Let's go back and play hospital. ''[both withdraw]'' :'''Zak''': Oooooh! Let's put that in! :'''Wheezie''': Okie-dokie! :'''Max''': Come back! :'''Ord''': '''YEAH! YOU NEVER TOLD US WHICH ONE YOU LIKED BEST!''' Ooooohhhhh... Max... This isn't any fun... I don't want to fight with you. :'''Max''': Me either. :'''Ord''': Really? Then you think red is better too? :'''Max''': '''NO WAY!''' Purple's better... :'''Both''': ''[sad]'' Awwwwwwwww... :'''Ord''': How are we gonna stop fighting, Max? :'''Max''': I don't know. :''[Zak and Wheezie they return happy with an good new]'' :'''Zak''': We finally have our song! And it's full of feelings thanks to you two, listen! :'''Wheezie''': We used to have fun all day! :'''Zak''': We were happy and we played! :'''Wheezie''': ''[as both they get angry]'' Now we're sad and we fight... :'''Zak''': From the morning till the night...! :''[They repeat all the above]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''THANKS, ORD! THANKS, MAX!''' :''[Both withdraw very happy]'' :'''Max''': Zak and Wheezie are right, Ord, we used to have fun all day! We used to slide down the biggest mountains. :'''Ord''': It was cold that day! :'''Max''': And make music that everyone could dance to. :'''Ord''': And we cooked yummy things in the kitchen. And played hide and snow seek till it was practically dark! :'''Max''': Didn't we have a great time? And we'd fly everywhere on our magic carpet. :'''Ord''': That was fun! :'''Max''': And grab on the clouds that pull us way up into the sky! :'''Ord''': And we made sandcastles and sandbombs... and sandwiches... :'''Max''': ''[laughs]'' And you taught me how to swing on the jungle gym. :'''Ord''': And you helped me learn to ride a bike. '''AND I WAS SO SURPRISED ON MY BIRTHDAY...!''' :'''Max''': Ord, I want to be friends again, but I still like purple. :'''Ord''': And I still like red... :'''Max''': Come on, I know a way we can both get what we want. :''[They both build a new fort with the red and purple pillows together and Cassie and Emmy peek out from behind a bush.]'' :'''Emmy''': What? :''[Max and Ord finish setting up the fort and Emmy waves to them]'' :'''Max''': Come on down, you guys, come play in our new fort! :'''Ord''': It's got lots of tunnels... :'''Emmy''': But how did you two stop fighting so fast? :'''Ord''': We used both our favorite colors and we made a really great fort. '''HURRY UP!''' :'''Emmy and Cassie''': '''WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!''' ''[laughs]'' ===''Big Funky Cloud'' [2.04a]=== :'''Emmy''': Yippee! We did it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': Look out! :'''All''': Watch out! :'''Ord''': Whoa! ===''Copy Cat'' [2.04b]=== :'''Kids''': ( ''in unison'' ) I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme to go home, until next time. :'''Mom''': ( ''shouts in the house at once'' ) ''Max! Emmy! I just got back time the market. Does anyone want the juice pop?'' :'''Kids''': ( ''in unison'' ) I do! ( ''both laughing'' ) ===''One Big Wish'' [2.05a]=== :'''Emmy''': '''MAX, YOU JUST GREW AGAIN!''' :'''Ord''': '''YOU'RE AS BIG AS MUNGUS THE GIANT, AND THAT'S REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BIG!''' :'''Max''': Better put these away, Wheezie, I don’t want to accidentally... :''[Max grabs the bats but ends up crushing them to pieces]'' :'''Max''': ...break them. :'''Wheezie''': ''[very annoyed]'' '''HEY! BIG GUY!''' :'''Zak''': ''[also annoyed]'' '''NICE GOING, MAX...!''' ===''Breaking Up is Hard to Do'' [2.05b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''STOOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIIIIT...!''' I just hate when you guys, especially over this... ''what do you call it.'' :'''Zak''': Yeah! Plus all this noise is giving me a headache! :'''Emmy''': I think I how to settle this. :'''Max''': Okay... :'''Ord''': How, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': We'll play ''"eeny, meeny, miny, moe"''. :'''Ord''': What's that? It sounds scary! :'''Emmy''': ''[laugh]'' Don't worry, Ord, it won't be scary, I'll see a rhyme and with each word i'll point to one of you and then the other. Whoever I'm pointing to when the rhyme ends, gets to take the piece home first. :'''Max''': Well, okay... :'''Ord''': I guess so... :'''Emmy''': Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catch a dragon by the toe, if he hollers let him go, eeny, meeny, miny, moe. :''[Max tries to put himself in Ord's place]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[angry]'' '''MAX!''' :'''Ord''': '''HOORAY, I'M WIN!''' :'''Max''': Fine... :'''Ord''': I'm going to show my mummy right away. ===''A New Friend'' [2.06a]=== ===''Have No Fear'' [2.06b]=== :'''Max''': Too broken, too bouncy, too big. ===''Cassie the Green-Eyed Dragon'' [2.07a]=== ===''Something's Missing'' [2.07b]=== ===''A Crown for Princess Kidoodle'' [2.08a]=== :'''Emmy''': I'm so full. I don't think I'll be able to eat again for three days. :'''Mom''': Emmy! Max! Dinner! :''[kids giggle]'' ===''Three's a Crowd'' [2.08b]=== ===''Knuck Knuck, Who's Where?'' [2.09a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''Uh-oh. Which way?'' :'''Max''': ''[distant]'' ''Emmy. Where are you, Emmy?'' :'''Zak''': ''Where are you?'' :'''Max''': ''Cassie.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': There we're so many different ways to go. So, we mark the paths and we ask for directions, too. ===''Just Desserts'' [2.09b]=== :''[Mungus is sobbing]'' :'''Zak''': Look, it's Mungus. ===''Dragonberry Drought'' [2.10a]=== ===''A Snowman for All Seasons'' [2.10b]=== :'''Mom''': ''Emmy, Max, I think you have spent enough time inside today. Why don't you go outside and some fresh air? You can play in the snow.'' ===''I Believe in Me'' [2.11a]=== :'''Cassie''': ''[gasps]'' Emmy, Max. ===''Bye Bye Baby Birdie'' [2.11b]=== ===''Back to the Storybook'' [2.12a]=== :'''Emmy''': Come on, Max. Today's the day Cassie bringing Kiki and Finn to the School in the Sky. :'''Max''': I'm ready. I was waiting for you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Kiki, Finn, you must be quiet! I'm sorry, Quetzal. Stop! :'''Bryce''': No! Cassie! Let's get out of here! :'''Cassie''': I think, they're tired of play with the toys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Emmy wants to know what the sad face --on Goldilocks-- is for. That is, as she --Emmy-- asks Goldilocks...!]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[to Goldilocks]'' What is the matter, Goldilocks? :'''Goldilocks''': ''[before crying]'' I bumped into the dining room table. And I spilled all the porridge! :''[Goldilocks cries --after the accident she just made with the porridge.]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[crying]'' '''BOO HOO!''' :''[Max, he says to Goldilocks...!]'' :'''Max''': All three bowls? :''[And Goldilocks says...!]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[in between tears]'' Yes. I cleaned up the mess. :''[After she --Goldilocks-- says this, she shows the group one of the porridge bowls. Then she says to Max and the rest of the gang...!]'' :'''Goldilocks''': ''[in between tears]'' But now there is no porridge left to eat! :''[Goldilocks resumes crying.]'' ===''Dragon Scouts'' [2.12b]=== ===''The Serpent's Trail'' [2.13a]=== :'''Norm''': That’s for me to know and for you to figure out. ''[laughs]'' By solving this puzzle. So far today, I’ve seen six different faces, including yours. So have I seen Cyrus or not? :'''Wheezie''': Can you say it again? :'''Norm''': Sure. So far today, I’ve seen six different faces, including yours. ''[laugh]'' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Max''': So that's why Cyrus took your detective kit, Emmy... :'''Ord''': To help him find the girls eggs! :'''Emmy''': Of course! My magnifying glass would help them spot the tiny little holes where the eggs are hidden. :'''Max''': We have to find Cyrus. :'''Ord''': We have to stop him! :'''Wheezie''': We have to save of itty-bitty eggs! :'''Max''': ''[listen to Cyrus]'' There he is...! :''[The gang runs to catch it]'' :'''Cyrus''': Come on, my dear little eggies... I know you're around here somewhere... Ah-ha! ''[dig in the sand]'' My treasure... Eggs, eggs and more eggs...! :''[The gang finally catches him]'' :'''Cyrus''': Oh, oh... :'''Emmy''': That's '''MY''' detective kit, Cyrus... :'''Cyrus''': You're right, sorry, I never should have taken it without asking you... Here. ''[he gives her back the detective kit and starts taking the eggs]'' :'''Cassie''': Those aren't your eggs either, Cyrus! :'''Cyrus''': But... but-but-but...! :'''Everyone''': ''[in chorus]'' '''CYRUS!''' :'''Cyrus''': Oh, alright. ''[puts the eggs down]'' Can't I have just one itty-bitty egg...? :'''Everyone''': ''[in chorus]'' '''NO!''' :'''Cyrus''': '''JUM!''' Fool... ''[leaves feeling angry and muttering to himself under his breath]'' ===''Head Over Heels'' [2.13b]=== :'''Max''': Emmy, remember, it's "ready, hand-hand, foot-foot." Not, "hand-hand, foot-bottom." ===''Sticky Situation'' [2.14a]=== ===''Green Thumbs'' [2.14b]=== ===''Teasing is Not Pleasing'' [2.15a]=== ===''Team Work'' [2.15b]=== :'''Ord''': Max! Emmy! Know any jokes? ''[hugging them]'' :'''Max''': Why? :''[Ord tickles Emmy and Max and they both laugh]'' :'''Ord''': Because the giggle flowers are in bloom! :'''Wheezie''': I looooove giggle flowers, they're so... giggly! ''[laugh]'' :'''Cassie''': They'll laugh at anybody's jokes, even mine. :'''Zak''': Wanna pick some? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. <hr width="45%"/> :'''Max''': If I had giggle flowers seeds, I'd plant them all over the place. :'''Ord''': That wouldn't work, giggle flowers only grow in hard to find places, because they're shy. :'''Wheezie''': I know how to find them... :'''Emmy''': How? :'''Wheezie''': I'll show you. Who has a knock-knock joke? :'''Max''': Hum... Knock, knock... :'''Wheezie''': Who's there? :'''Max''': Cargo. :'''Wheezie''': Cargo who? :'''Max''': Cargo beat, beat! :''[Wheezie laugh, listening the laughing flowers and Zak covers her snout]'' :'''Wheezie''': I think are you one! ''[laugh]'' :'''Zak''': How could you be sure what you're talking all the time? Shhhhhhhhhh! :''[They both go over to look inside the bush, they open it and find a stinkydink.]'' :'''Both''': ''[in chorus]'' '''A STINKYDINK!''' <hr width="45%"/> :'''Zak''': '''GROSS! STICKY YUCKY SPIDER THREADS!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''YOU MADE ME RUN INTO A SPIDER WEB!''' :'''Zak''': '''ME?! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN LOOKING WHERE WE WERE GOING!''' :''[They both see their badges moving away]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''OUR BADGES!''' ''[worried]'' They're gone. Oh, Zak... If we don't stop arguing our badges just won't shine and we'll never get them back. :'''Zak''': You're right. :'''Wheezie''': On a count of three, both of us will grab the top of the spider web and pull it! Ready? One, two... :'''Zak''': Wait! Wait. Is it ''"one, two, hold on three"'' or ''"one, two, three"'', pull! :'''Wheezie''': No, Zak... It's ''"one, two, three, then pull."'' Okay? Here we go. :''[They both hold the spider web]'' :'''Wheezie''': One, two, three, pull! <hr width="45%"/> :'''Ord''': ''[hugging to Zak and Wheezie]'' Oh, thank goodness we found you...! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': '''OH, ORD! YOU'RE SQUISHING! LITTLE LESS GLAD WOULD BE GOOD! OH, NOW! OOH! OW!''' ===''On Thin Ice'' [2.16a]=== :'''Emmy''': Hurry, Max. I'm ready. :'''Max''': Found them. I wonder why Quetzal asked us to bring our ice skates today. :'''Emmy''': There's only one way to find out. :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish with all my heart to fly to dragons in a land apart. :'''Kids''': ===''The Shape of Things to Come'' [2.16b]=== :''[For the circle key to Crystal the Door, Max sees a green lizard round orange spots. The lizard, he appears smiling. And the lizard, his spots are indeed shaped like a circle. The lizard smiles in a friendly smile. Then Max talks to the lizard.]'' :'''Max''': ''[to the lizard]'' Excuse me, Mr. Lizard? Can we maybe borrow one of your spots? We promise to bring it right back. :'''Mr. Lizard''': ''[laughs mockingly]'' '''HA!''' :''[Then he gets into a bullying tone. And --after Max asks him if he can borrow one of his spots because they are a circle-- he says to Max...!]'' :'''Mr. Lizard''': ''[continues --and in between laughs]'' '''OH SURE! AFTER YOU LET ME BORROW YOUR NOSE!''' :''[The lizard laughs mockingly, resumes laughing, and walks away. That is, after he says to Max that he --Max-- can borrow one of his spots as soon as he --Max-- lets him borrow his nose. Max --in response to the lizard-- pinches his nose and tries to keep the lizard from borrowing it. That is, since he does not want to fall for the lizard's joke.]'' ===''Hide and Can't Seek'' [2.17a]=== ===''The Art of Patience'' [2.17b]=== ===''So Long Solo'' [2.18a]=== ===''Hands Together'' [2.18b]=== :'''Dragons''': Happy Dragontines Day! ''[hug them]'' :'''Emmy''': And look what we brought! Dragontines for everybody! :'''Cassie''': We have cards for you too! :''[They all cheer and hand out the Dragontines as Quetzal comes over]'' :'''Quetzal''': Hola, Max and Emmy. Will you be joining us for the Happy Hearts recital this morning? :'''Ord''': It's a show that we put on for everyone we love every Dragontines Day. We sing songs and do dances. It'’s really fun, and... :'''Wheezie''': And we'd loooove it if you two would boogie down with us! :'''Emmy''': Definitely! :'''Quetzal''': I'll see you onstage, then. Adiós, niños. ''[leaves]'' :'''Wheezie''': Listen up, everybody, Zaky and I have a terrific idea! We want to sing a song that Quetzal taught us! :'''Zak''': There's a dance that goes with the song. And we can teach you how to do it. :'''Ord''': My mommy's gonna love that. :''[Changes to the playground where they gather to rehearse.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Okey-dokey, artichokies! The song is called ''"Los Pollitos"''. :'''Emmy''': I know that song! My Tía Carmen taught it to me when I was little. ''"Los Pollitos"'' means "little chicks." :'''Wheezie''': Right you are! And the little chicks are all cold and hungry. Brr! :'''Emmy''': But their mom finds some food and a warm blanket for them. :'''Wheezie''': Did your Tía teach you the dance too? :'''Emmy''': She sure did. :'''Zak''': Perfect! So why don't we show everyone how it goes? :'''Wheezie''': A-one... A-two and a-one, two, three! :''[Emmy, Zak and Wheezie perform the "Los Pollitos" dance]'' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :''[Moves: "Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio": Stand on one foot, then flap arms like a chick while stamping feet. "Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio": Stand still and rub belly, cross arms and shiver in place. "Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos": Flap arms and stamp feet again while spinning. "Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos": Pretend to sleep with head against arms, then rock arms back and forth.]'' :'''Cassie''': That looks fun! :'''Ord''': Yeah, let's all try it now! :'''Zak''': In English this time. :''[They all dance and Ord stumbles]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ :''[Ord knocks Max and Cassie to the ground and they laugh.]'' :'''Zak''': Pretty good for the first time. Want to try it again? :'''Cassie''': Yeah! :'''Emmy''': Sure! :'''Ord''': You bet we do! :''[The song restarts, all but Ord dances and he stumbles again.]'' :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :'''Emmy''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ ''[hugs Cassie and laughs]'' :'''Ord''': Hey, that dance is hard! :'''Emmy''': Why don't we try it again? You'’ll catch on. :'''Ord''': I hope so. :'''Cassie''': I have an idea! What if we try the dance again a little slower, one line at a time? :'''Ord''': Okay. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': Here we go! ♪ Los pollitos dicen... ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say... ♪ :'''Max''': Get ready to flap. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen hambre..." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry"... ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ And too cold to sleep." ♪ :'''Ord''': Hey, I did it! I did the dance! :'''Emmy''': Ready to try it all together now? :'''Ord''': You betcha! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry, and too cold to sleep" ♪ :'''Ord''': Wait. I'm stuck! I can do the parts of the dance, but it's hard to do them all together! Maybe if I watch you guys do it all the way through again, that'll help... :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio. Cuando tienen hambre, cuando tienen frio." Bajo sus dos alas, acurrucaditos. Hasta el otro dia, duerman los pollitos. ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep. We are very hungry and too cold to sleep. Their mother spreads her wings and feeds them lots of grain. So until tomorrow, they're warm and safe again. ♪ :'''Ord''': Okay, I think I got it. Let's try it! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ Los pollitos dicen "Pio, pio, pio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ All the little chicks say "Cheep, cheep, cheep." ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen hambre..." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ "We are very hungry"... ♪ :'''Zak and Wheezie''': ♪ "Cuando tienen frio." ♪ :'''Emmy and Cassie''': ♪ And too cold to sleep." ♪ :'''Ord''': Whoa! ''[he stumbles]'' :'''Emmy''': Are you okay, Ord? :'''Ord''': Yes, but it's almost time for the Happy Hearts recital and I'm never gonna learn this dance never, ever, ever... :'''Max''': ''[while Zak, Wheezie, Cassie and Emmy gasps]'' Ord, wait! :'''Emmy''': Come back! <hr width="100%"/> :'''Ord''': I really want to join my friends in the show, but I just ''can't'' do the dance right. ( ''song hums'' ) Clap, stomp. Oh! It's ''no'' use! :'''Quetzal''': Hola, Ord. You dropped. "To my mommy, love you lots. From, Ord.'' Your mother will be so happy that you made this for her. :'''Ord''': Thank you. :'''Quetzal''': Are you going to give it to your mother after the recital? :'''Ord''': No. I'm ''not'' going to the recital, because I tried and I tried, but, the dance is too hard. ===''Sneezy Does It'' [2.19a]=== ===''Try It, You'll Like It'' [2.19b]=== ===''Just for Laughs'' [2.20a]=== :''[About the tickle monsters. Kiki and Finn agreed with the group that the remaining custard eggs were in the Giant of Nod's magic box. So they accidentally let the tickle monsters out.]'' :'''Emmy''': ''[to the Giant of Nod]'' Did you say "Tickle Monsters"? :'''Giant of Nod''': ''[to Emmy]'' '''YES! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID! AND THOSE TICKLE MONSTERS, THEY ATE UP ALL OUR FOOD!''' ===''Give Zak a Hand'' [2.20b]=== :'''Zak''': Sure! ===''Make No Mistake'' [2.21a]=== ===''The Balancing Act'' [2.21b]=== :'''Emmy''': I love my new skateboard, but, I'll ''never'' be able to ride it if this rain doesn't stop. :'''Max''': I know a place where you can ride it, Emmy. :'''Kids''': Dragon Land! I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kids''': I wish, I wish, to use this rhyme, to go back home, until next time. :'''Emmy''': Whew. No more skateboarding today. :'''Max''': You can help me build my log tower, if you want. Whoa! It's gonna fall and make a mess! :'''Emmy''': You just need to add a log here, so, each side has the same number of logs ( ''British accent'' ) for the perfect balance. ===''Room for Change'' [2.22a]=== ===''The Sorrow and the Party'' [2.22b]=== ===''The Grudge Won't Budge'' [2.23a]=== ===''Putting the Fun in Fun Houses'' [2.23b]=== ===''Puzzlewood'' [2.24a]=== :'''Max''': Come on, Emmy, let's finish our jigsaw puzzle. The piece that fits here is big at the top and small at the bottom. Look, Emmy, I found it. :'''Emmy''': Me, oh, my, it's my favorite. ===''Let's Dance'' [2.24b]=== :'''Wheezie''': '''IT'S A MUSIC BOX! LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Well, I don't love it that music's making me dance, and I can't stop! :'''Wheezie''': But dancing's fun, Zaky, and look at you go you're dancing up a storm. '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Uh... It maybe fun for you, Wheezie, but I don't want to dance. Where are we going? :'''Wheezie''': It's me... :'''Zak''': Arrrghhhh... But we're supposed to guard the other boxes! :'''Wheezie''': Oh, all right, I'll close the box now... Zak, it won't close! :'''Zak''': Uh... Let my try. ''[try to close the box]'' I can't close it either and if we don't we'll keep dancing. :'''Wheezie''': Come on, little boxy, please, close... :'''Zak''': Oh, great, now what? :''[They both leave with the music box dancing ballet along the way]'' :'''Zak''': Maybe Quetzal could help us. :'''Wheezie''': '''QUETZAL, HEEEEEEEEEELP!''' :''[Quetzal sees them dancing from the school window and greets them]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''BUT WE'RE TOO FAR AWAY HE CAN'T HEAR US!''' :'''Zak''': '''WAVE HARDER, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!''' :''[Quetzal looks at them through the window again and withdraws]'' :'''Wheezie''': Oh, no! What do we do? :'''Zak''': '''PANIC! CAUSE WE'RE DOOMED TO DANCE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFES!!!!!!!! WHEEZIE, I'M REALLY TIRED OF THE SONG!''' :'''Wheezie''': Did tell the truth... ''[sighing]'' I'm tired of dancing too... :''[The pace of the song slows down]'' :'''Zak''': Do you hear what I hear? :'''Wheezie''': The music seems to be stopping, let's try to close the box again... '''WE DID IT!''' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Zak''': Now leave those boxes alone, Wheezie, every time you open one, we get in big trouble! :'''Wheezie''': No more peaking, Zak, i promise... <hr width="85%"/> :'''Greta''': Hello, everyone, my hat and I are back it last! :'''Wheezie''': '''I DID IT! THE WHOLE TIME WE WHERE PLAYING I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THE STRIPY BOX ONCE!''' :'''Zak''': Here you go, Greta, your boxes. :'''Greta''': Thank you for watching them... :'''Wheezie''': Hmmmmmmm... Well... Actually... I couldn't wait and I opened two of them. :'''Greta''': '''YOU DID?!''' But you shouldn't have opened them without my permission. :'''Wheezie''': I know, and I'm sorry. I'm trying to learn how to wait. :'''Greta''': Well... I know how hard it is to wait. But sometimes, waiting for a surprise makes it even more fun when you finally see what it is. :'''Wheezie''': May I open the box now, please? :'''Greta''': Yes, you may. :'''Wheezie''': Any special rules? :'''Greta''': Nope, go right ahead... :''[Wheezie opens the box and to everyone's surprise colorful streamers come out]'' :'''Greta''': But there's another secret to this little box, pull your streamer when I say these special words: ''"Gravity Green!"'' <hr width="85%"/> :'''Cassie''': It was so much fun! :'''Ord, Emmy and Max''': Thanks, Greta. :'''Zak''': See, if you went ahead and opened the box, we wouldn't have known the special words, and we would have missed the merry-go ride. :'''Wheezie''': I'm so glad I was finally able to wait. :'''Cassie''': Wheezie, your badge! :'''Wheezie''': Oh, boy! Look, Zaky, look! :'''Zak''': That good going, Wheezie! :''[They both hug each other]'' ==Season 3 (2005)== ===''To Fly with a New Friend, Part 1'' [3.01a]=== :''[first lines]'' :'''Max''': ''[imitates galloping hooves as he plays with his horse]'' Giddy-up! Yee-haw! I thought Enrique was coming over to play, Emmy. :'''Emmy''': He is, Max. Isn't it great having a new friend living next door? :'''Max''': Yeah. :''[knocking on the door is heard.]'' :'''Emmy and Max''': Come in! :''[the door opens and Enrique comes in the playroom.]'' :'''Emmy''': Hi! :'''Max''': Hi, Enrique! :'''Enrique''': ''Hola!'' ''Que tal?'' :'''Emmy''': Great! :'''Max''': How's it going? :'''Enrique''': ''Bien.'' Okay... I guess. :'''Max''': ''[offers another horse toy]'' Wanna play cowboy? :'''Enrique''': ''[grabs the horse toy]'' I have an uncle who is a real-life cowboy. A ''vaquero''. I used to ride horses with him back home. :'''Max''': Was that in [[Mexico]]? That's where our ''abuelita (Spanish for: grandma)'' is from. :'''Enrique''': No, in [[Columbia]]. But then we moved to [[Puerto Rico]], and I didn't get to ride so much. ''[pause; Emmy and Max look at him confused and skeptical]'' You guys would ''love'' Puerto Rico! You could play on the beach and swim, and... ''[sighs sadly]'' :'''Emmy''': You really miss it, huh? :'''Enrique''': ''A veces.'' Uh, sometimes. It's so different [[United States|here]], and it's just hard. :'''Max''': But you speak English really good. :'''Emmy''': "Really ''well''". :''[Max glares at her.]'' :'''Enrique''': It's not that, it's just... I don't know. I've tried to make friends at school but all the kids all know each other already. And they all talk about stuff I don't know anything about. :'''Max''': Anything you want to know about, I'm an expert! :'''Emmy''': ''[giggles]'' Oh, brother! :'''Enrique''': ''Gracias'', Max. I just wish there was a place where everyone was as friendly as you and Emmy. :'''Max''': We know a place like that! :'''Emmy''': ''[whispers]'' Max! ''[glares at him]'' :'''Max''': ''[whispers]'' Why can't we take Enrique there? :'''Emmy''': Because we... we just can't. ''[Max smiles at her]'' Well, maybe. I guess. ''[smiles]'' Definitely! :'''Max''': ''[giggles]'' :''[Emmy runs to the drawer and Max follows her. She opens the drawer, picks up the case and opens it, revealing the magic dragon scale.]'' :'''Enrique''': Wow, that is so beautiful! ''Que es eso? (Spanish for: What's that?]'' :'''Max''': It's a dragon scale! :'''Enrique''': ''[chuckles]'' Sure, right. Seriously, what makes it glow like that? :'''Max''': It's magical. It takes us to a place called Dragon Land. :'''Enrique''': Come on! ''[Emmy and Max smile at him]'' Okay, so how does it work? :'''Emmy''': Well, Max and I hold the scale and say: ''I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart.'' And whoosh, we're there! :'''Max''': ''[picks out the scale]'' You want to try? :''[Enrique is hesitant as first but shrugs and decides to give it a try as he, Emmy and Max hold the scale together.]'' :'''Emmy and Max''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart... :'''Enrique''': I wish, I wish, with all I've got... :'''Emmy''': No, it's ''"with all my heart"''! :'''Enrique''': Ah, ''corazon''! Heart! Sorry! :''[Emmy, Max and Enrique hold the scale together.]'' :'''Emmy, Max and Enrique''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. :''[The scale shines bright.]'' :'''Enrique''': ''[gasps]'' :''[The dragon tapestries come to life and leap off the wallpaper, and spin around Emmy, Max and Enrique as the three are surrounded in a colorful sparkling light.]'' :'''Enrique''': What? Whoa! No way! :''[Emmy, Max and Enrique transport to Dragon Land.]'' <hr width="85%"/> :''[Zak and Wheezie fly in.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, I just loooove making a new friend... Hello! I'm Wheezie, and this is my brother, Zak! :'''Enrique''': Ah... Ohhhhh... Hello, I'm... '''YOU HAVE TWO HEADS!''' :'''Zak''': Yeah. Hers does most to the talking, mine does most to the thinking! ''[laugh]'' :'''Wheezie''': Oh, Zaky... Ooh, I almost forgot! Quetzal sent us to find you, he need us for something veeeery important... :'''Enrique''': Quetzal? :'''Cassie''': He's our teacher at the school in the sky, Enrique... :'''Max''': Come on! You'll really like him... :''[Max rides Ord and Emmy rides Cassie.]'' :'''Zak''': You can ride in us, Enrique... :'''Enrique''': Ride on a dragon's back? :'''Max''': Of course. :'''Enrique''': Okay, I've read in horses this can't be that much more difficult. ''[rides Zak and Wheezie]'' :'''Zak''': Hang on tight, Enrique! :'''Enrique''': Okay... You're not gonna run too fast are you? :'''Zak''': Who said anything about running? :'''Wheezie''': You're gonna fly! ===''To Fly with a New Friend, Part 2'' [3.01b]=== :'''Enrique''': Where are we now? :'''Ord''': Don't know, Enrique... Some kind of garden... :'''Cassie''': And it's full of knucker holes. :'''Zak''': Mystery solved. The knuckle holes disappear, some kind of magic brought him here. :'''Emmy''': But who did the magic? :'''Quanita''': That would be me... ''[comes down from the tree using his magic wand]'' Hi. I'm Quanita, junior wizard, uh... in training. :'''Wheezie''': '''AM I MAD!''' :'''Max''': Yeah, cause you shouldn't take what doesn't belong you! That's not right. :'''Quanita''': Oh, I am so sorry, let me explain. :'''Zak''': Oh... To this oughta be good... :'''Quanita''': Easy... The head wizard asked me to plant all these speckled trees, but it would take me forever to dig holes for all of them... :'''Ord''': There sure are a lot of them... :'''Quanita''': So I waved my wand and made a wish for holes to plant them in, and well, these are what appeared. Huh... I am afraid I am not a good wizard. :''[Everyone looks worried]'' :'''Zak''': Ahhhhh... Anybody can make a mistake, with she makes them constantly. :'''Wheezie''': '''SURE DO...!''' :'''Cassie''': Maybe you just need practice, Quanita. :'''Quanita''': You think? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Quanita''': I'll reverse the wish and send all the knuckle holes back. :'''Zak''': Get ready to jump everybody, we're going home with the knuckle holes! :'''Enrique''': Wait! Before we go, we can help Quanita plant her trees. :'''Emmy''': That's the great idea, Enrique, it's a big job for one little wizard. :'''Enrique''': Can you make a wish for shovels? :'''Quanita''': I can try... :'''Max''': You did it! :'''Wheezie''': '''LET'S GET TICKING!''' ===''Rise and Bloom'' [3.02a]=== :'''Max''': Come on, little guys. Rise and bloom. Hmm. I think then need a little moe help waking up. :''[all join in, singing in Spanish]'' ===''Super Snow Day'' [3.02b]=== ===''Musical Scales'' [3.03a]=== :'''Zak''': You heard, Wheezie! We aren't here! Oops! I mean, Wheezie and I aren't...! Oh! Oh, I give up. :'''Wheezie''': Awwwwwwww... I had them fooled until you put our foot in your mouth... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': Our song is called ''"El Coqui"'', the frog! :'''Enrique''': I taught them that song ''en español'' and english. :''[Music playing]'' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ My Coqui, little frog, how I love you... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ For your song is be comfort and peace... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Every night I can go to sleep happy... ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ When I hear lullabies from Coqui. ♪ :'''Both''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Zak''': '''OH! OW! OH!''' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Enrique''': I didn't teach you this part. :'''Zak''': ''[jumping]'' '''OOH! AHH!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[jumping]'' '''AAH! OOOH!''' :'''Zak''': Can you feel that? Uhh. Itchy! Ah! :'''Cassie''': I think we'd better try something else. Hmmmmm... Maybe we could cover up the bald spots. :'''Max''': With what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Why didn't I ever think of wearing all my fancy clothes at the same time before? :'''Zak''': Because we look like someone dumped a laundry basketover our heads... This almost looks worse than shedding. :''[Ord, Cassie and Emmy laugh]'' :'''Max''': No! You look like rock stars really. Play! :''[Music playing]'' :'''Zak''': ♪ My Coqui, little frog, how I love you... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ For your song is be comfort and peace... ♪ :'''Zak''': ''[concerned]'' ♪ A belt has come loose and it's slipping... ♪ :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Well, grab it before it falls off. ♪ :'''Zak''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ Oh! ♪ Coqui, qui, qui... ♪ '''YOW!''' :'''Wheezie''': ♪ Coqui, Coqui... ♪ :'''Zak''': '''WOW!''' :''[They both fall to the floor]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zak''': '''WHOA!''' :'''Wheezie''': ''[laugh]'' Oh, sorry. I can't help it! :'''Zak''': That is a b-a-d haircut. ===''Hand in Hand'' [3.03b]=== :'''Enrique''': Wow! :'''Emmy''': Hey! :'''Max''': Ow! :''[Enrique gasps]'' :'''Zak''' and '''Wheezie''': 1, 2, 3, pull! Pull! :'''Enrique''': Pare! Stop! What are you doing? ===''Sky Soccer'' [3.04a]=== :'''Ord''': Wow! That looks like so much fun! I can't wait to be on the team... :'''Emmy''': Have you ever played sky soccer before, Ord? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wheezie''': ''[annoyed]'' '''WELL, DON'T TAKE ALL DAY!''' :'''Zak''': Okay, okay, here goes nothing...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ord''': I'm not sure I can remember all that. ===''Itching for a Cure'' [3.05a]=== :'''Emmy''': ''Careful.'' :'''Max''': ''I am.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enrique''': Sorry, I'm late. :'''Emmy''' and '''Max''': Huh? :'''Enrique''': ''[speaks in Spanish]'' ''Sorry.'' I didn't mean to knock down your card house. :'''Emmy''': That's okay, Enrique. :'''Max''': Yeah, we we're just practicing for the big house of cards we're gonna build in Dragon Land. ===''The Big Race'' [3.05b]=== ===''Max Loves a Train'' [3.06b]=== :'''Max''': All aboooooard!!! Choooooooo, Choooooooo!!! Chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga! :'''Enrique''': Wow, Max. What a cool model train set from hobby lobby! :'''Emmy''': [imitating engine's wheels & whistles as a steam train] Choo, choo, choo, choo, Woo-woo! Max loves steam engine trains going down by the station, Enrique. :'''Max''': Yeah, and today, we get to ride the Dragon Land Express. Chug, chug, Whoo, whoo, Off we go! :'''Enrique''': I know. I can't wait about pufferbellies. A Pufferbelly is a big old train with a steam engine. Choo-choo-choo-choo. :'''Emmy''': [giggles then she have a great idea to wear bandannas, engineer caps, and gloves, to Enrique and Max for help in pretend play] Should we sing "Down by the Station"? :'''Max and Enrique''': [nods their heads in agreement, smiley] Yes! We agreed! We agreed! Choo-choo!! :'''Emmy''': [giggles] OK. [making train sounds] Chug, chug, toot, toot Go To The DragonLand! [They puts both hands on her shoulders] All aboard! Puff, puff, woo, woo, Let's go for Ride! [she imitating train noise from the down by the station song] Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! :'''Emmy, Max and Enrique''': [chugging with the dragon scale as a train, puffing out smoke with the tune of the song makes the dragons on the wall come to life and made the magic tunnel and the very railroad whistle sounds on the magic buffers] Down by the station, Early in the morning, See the little pufferbellies, All in a row. See the stationmaster, Turn the little handle. Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! Puff, puff, Toot, toot! Off we go! ===''Prince for a Day'' [3.10a]=== :'''Enrique''': How are you two going to decide whose turn it is to clean up? :'''Emmy and Max''': I know! Rock. Paper. Scissors! ''[they both do scissors]'' Rock. Paper. Scissors! ''[they both do rock]'' ===''So Long Solo'' [3.10b]=== :''[After Wheezie's sheet music has sunken into a pond]'' :'''Zak''': Oh, Wheezie, it's all my fault! I guess I wasn't holding the music tight enough. :'''Wheezie''': It was an accident, Zak. It's okay. I know that there'll be other shows next year. :'''Zak''': Can't you play a different song? You know hundreds. :'''Wheezie''': I didn't bring any other music. :'''Zak''': Well, if you're not gonna perform, then I'm not gonna perform. :'''Wheezie''': Don't say that! You worked hard on your juggle gym, and I want you to show it off. :'''Zak''': ''[smiling]'' Really? :'''Wheezie''': ''[also smiling]'' Yeah! :''[At that moment, their badges start glowing.]'' :'''Wheezie''': Zak, look, our dragon badge! :'''Zak''': Ha, it's glowing! :'''Wheezie''': We must have really learned to... :'''Zak''': ...work together! :'''Wheezie''': Aw, Zaky! ===''Feliz Cumpleanos, Enrique'' [3.12a]=== :'''Dragons''': '''SURPRISE!''' :'''Enrique''': This is all for me? :'''Wheezie''': Absolutely... Happy birthday! :''[Everyone it celebrates happily and laughing]'' :'''Quetzal''': ''Feliz cumpleaños, Enrique.'' :'''Enrique''': ''Gracias,'' Quetzal. ''Gracias,'' everybody! :'''Quetzal''': I must go back to preparing tomorrow's lesson. Enjoy your party, niños! :'''Everybody''': See you! Bye-bye! :'''Cassie''': Will you help me pass these out, Emmy? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, noisemakers, my favorite! :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' No surprise there. :''[They all play the noisemakers and march with them, however stop when Enrique gets sad.]'' :'''Ord''': What's the matter, Enrique? Did your blower stop working? :'''Enrique''': No... These remind me of the tiny whistles we used to hide in the frosting of birthday cakes back in Colombia. :'''Emmy''': Why did you do that? :'''Enrique''': ''[laughting]'' Because it was so much fun to pull them out and lick the gooey frosting off the whistles. :''[Everyone laughs less Zak]'' :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Zak''': Sounds messy to me! :'''Enrique''': Hey! Is that a ''piñata''? :'''Cassie''': Well, it does kind of look like one. :'''Ord''': But we use it to play another really fun birthday game. :'''Max and Ord''': Pin the badge on the dragon. :'''Cassie''': Each of us gets one of these! :'''Max''': And you have to try to put it on the dragon's neck. :'''Ord''': Like a dragon badge! :'''Zak''': But the trick is you have to do it all... ''[takes out of his pouch a bandage]'' :'''Wheezie''': Blindfolded...! :'''Emmy''': Whoever gets the closest is the winner. :'''Max''': Wanna play? :'''Enrique''': Sure! :'''Ord''': Ooh, ooh, ooh, can I go first, uh? :'''Cassie''': It's a Enrique's birthday award, maybe he should be the first. :'''Enrique''': That's okay, Cassie, you can go first, Ord... :'''Ord''': Oh, goody... Thanks, Enrique. :'''Wheezie''': Ready-freddy? :''[Zak and Wheezie blindfold Ord and spin him around]'' :'''Emmy''': '''COME ON, ORD...!''' :''[Everyone is encourage for Ord]'' :'''Zak''': '''ALL RIGHT, ORD! KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING!''' :''[Ord places the badge on the dragon's foot]'' :'''Ord''': How I do? How I do? :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' Now the dragon badge is a dragon shoe... :''[Ord laugh]'' :'''Emmy''': Now it's your turn, Enrique... :''[Ord blindfold Enrique and takes him away from the dragon, everyone is encourage for Enrique, he place the badge in the belly of the dragon and the blindfold is lifted.]'' :'''Ord''': ''[laughing]'' Wow! :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' Now it's a belly badge... :''[Enrique laughs]'' :''[Next scene shows the group in the party wearing party hats and drinking juice from boxes. Cassie observes Enrique feeling sad again.]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[worried]'' Don't you like your party, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': ''Claro que sí'', Cassie... It's really nice of everyone to do all this for me. It's just that... I'm actually feeling kind of sad! :'''Ord''': Sad? On your birthday? :'''Wheezie''': See? I told you we should have blown up more balloons... :'''Zak''': It's not my fault I don't have as much hot air as you...! :'''Enrique''': Zak, Wheezie, the balloons are ''fantásticas''. I guess it's just... I miss the parties we used to have back in Colombia. ''[he sits sadly on a rock and his friends approach him]'' :'''Cassie''': Hmmmmmm... What do you miss about those parties, Enrique? :'''Emmy''': Because maybe talking about what you miss will help you not feel so sad. :'''Enrique''': Well... My friends and family would get together and we'd celebrate, with music and games and all kinds of food. :'''Wheezie''': Ooooooh, like a ''fiesta''! ''Fiestas'' are so festive! :'''Enrique''': Sometimes we play the stereo and the grown-ups would hand out instruments, like ''güiros'' and ''maracas'', and we dance along with the music. :''[His friends look at him listening with interest]'' :'''Enrique''': ''[sad again]'' Ah... I sure missed those parties. :'''Zak''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': If you're thinking what I'm thinking, Zaky... :'''Cassie''': I'm thinking it too? :'''Emmy''': Definitely. :'''Ord''': What's everyone thinking, Max? :'''Emmy''': That we can make music the way they did it Enrique's parties. :'''Wheezie''': Something like this? ''[play music like a xylophone on their scales with Zak]'' :'''Enrique''': That's great, Wheezie! :''[Everyone starts dancing]'' :'''Enrique''': All we need now are some ''maracas'' and it'll be just like back home. :'''Zak''': Got any ''maracas'' and that messy pouch of yours, Wheezie? :'''Wheezie''': Let's see! Hmmmmm... No... Oh! Been looking for that... ''[reaches into his pouch and pulls out a umbrella without fabric, a boot, an accordion and throws them into the air]'' Ah... Oh... No maracas. :'''Emmy''': Maybe we can make some. :'''Cassie''': That's a great idea, Emmy... :'''Max''': Yeah! ''[he scratches the head]'' Huh... How are we gonna do that? :'''Ord''': I know... ''[goes to some trees and collects five seed pods, returns and pours the seeds into his hand]'' :'''?''':What's that? :'''Ord''': Dragon pods seeds make a really shaky sound when they're inside my pouch just like ''maracas''. ''[put the seeds in his pouch and makes it sound]'' :'''Max''': ''[laugh]'' We can't all shake your pouch, Ord... :'''Ord''': Oh, right. ''[laugh]'' :''[Everyone laughs and Wheezie drink his juice from box]'' :'''Enrique''': How about if we put the seeds inside the empty juice boxes and shake them? :'''Everyone''': '''YEAH! GREAT!''' :''[Everyone finishes drinking their juice boxes, Ord takes the seeds out of his pouch and places them in the juice boxes]'' :'''Max''': It works! Listen to this! ''[shaking his juice box]'' :'''Ord''': That's great, Max, sounds is good as my pouch! :'''Wheezie''': All right, everybody, let's ''ma-rraca'' and roll! :'''Zak and Wheezie''': And the ''uno'' and the ''dos''! :''[They both play the tune on their scales again while the others rattle their juice box maracas and dance happily to the music.]'' :'''Everyone''': '''ALL RIGHT, ZAK AND WHEEZIE! YEAH! ALL RIGHT!''' ''[laugh]'' :'''Max''': That sounded really cool! :'''Cassie''': I love played the ''maracas''... :'''Everyone''': '''YES!''' :''[Emmy laugh]'' :'''Enrique''': Me too! It reminds me of my family and friends in Colombia. Hmmm... ''[becomes sad again]'' :'''Ord''': Are you starting to feel sad again, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': A little... :''[His friends looks worried]'' :'''Wheezie''': Well then, how's about we whip up some more ''fiesta'' fun? We can do the Dragonland Conga! :'''Zak''': What do you say, Enrique? :'''Enrique''': It sounds great but... Maybe later. ''[walks away sadly under the worried gaze of his friends and Cassie runs to him]'' :'''Cassie''': Enrique, sometimes when I feel sad, I go talk with Quetzal. He helps me figure out my feelings. :'''Enrique''': Maybe I should. :''[Changes at the school in the sky]'' :'''Enrique''': A-ah... And everybody's trying so hard to make me a nice party, a-ah... And I really appreciate it... And I really want to have fun... a-ah... And make the sad feeling go away, but it keeps coming back. :'''Quetzal''': I understand, Enrique. I too sometimes feel sad. :'''Enrique''': You do? :'''Quetzal''': Sí, Enrique, and sometimes when I'm feeling especially sad. It seems as if there is only one thing that I want to do. :'''Enrique''': What's that? :'''Quetzal''': Cry... Perhaps that is the way you feel right now. :'''Enrique''': I always heard that boys... They don't... They're not supposed to... :'''Quetzal''': Ahhhhhhh... They are not supposed to cry because it is not ''macho''. :'''Enrique''': ''Sí''. :'''Quetzal''': There is no shame in crying, Enrique. Trust me, in can be a find way to let the sadness out. :''[Enrique and Quetzal hug each other and he starts crying, after a while then Enrique leaves school more calm down]'' :'''Everyone''': '''HI, ENRIQUE!''' :'''Enrique''': ''Hola'', everyone. :'''Ord''': Are you okay, Enrique? You look like you've been crying. :'''Enrique''': ''Sí'', but it's okay. Quetzal told me crying helps let the sadness out, and he was right. :''[His friends nod their heads]'' :'''Emmy''': You do seem happier now, Enrique... :'''Enrique''': ''Sí'', Emmy. I still feel a little sad, but mostly I feel like it's my birthday and I want to have fun! :'''Everyone''': ''[celebrating]'' '''GOOD!''' :'''Enrique''': So if you still want to, maybe we could do the Dragonland Conga? :'''Everyone''': ''[celebrating]'' '''YEAH! WOO-HOO!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :'''Everyone''': ''[dancing]'' ♪ Feliz cumpleaños... ♪ ''[3 times]'' :'''Enrique''': I don't feel sad anymore, Quetzal! :'''Quetzal''': ''¡Que bueno, Enrique!'' :''[Everyone laughs celebrating and dancing]'' :'''Max, Emmy and Enrique''': I wish, I wish to use this rhyme to go back home until next time. ''[Then disappear and appear back in the playroom]'' :'''Enrique''': ''Muchas gracias por todo'', Max and Emmy. :'''Emmy''': You're welcome, Enrique... :'''Max''': ''De nada...'' :'''Enrique''': You know, my ''papá'' said derby birthday cake when he got home from work... You want to come over? :'''Emmy''': Cake? :'''Max''': '''YEAH!''' :'''Emmy''': Are there gonna be tiny whistles in the frosty? :'''Enrique''': You bet! :'''Max''': I want to lick the frosting off! :'''Enrique''': Me too! :'''Emmy''': Me three! ===''Moving On'' [3.16a]=== :'''Emmy''': Hey, the dragon scale is glowing. :'''Max''': They need us in Dragon Land. ===''Something's Missing'' [3.24b]=== :'''Max''': I wish, I wish, with all my heart, to fly with dragons in a land apart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Max''': I can't wait to see if there's a letter from Emmy, then Mom can read it to me. And I really can't wait till Emmy gets my letter. ===''Hello, Ms. Tipps'' [3.26b]=== ===''Just the Two of Us'' [3.29a]=== :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': All right, Zak and Wheezie... :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': You can open your eyes now... :'''Wheezie''': Ooh! I love surprises, they're so... '''SURPRISING...!''' :'''Zak''': What is it? :'''Zak and Wheezie's mom''': It's my dragon links building kit. I played with it when I was a little dragon. :'''Zak and Wheezie's dad''': We know how hard it is to play outside when Polly is tuning her weather machine. So we thought they would have fun playing with it now. :'''Wheezie''': Looooove it! Let's make a sculpture, a work of art! <hr width="80%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Who wants to go swimming? :'''Max''': Swimming? But... I've never seen a dragon links building kit before. :'''Wheezie''': Ohhhhh... ''[stroking his head]'' Who wants to be cooped up on a beautiful day like today, right, Zak? :'''Zak''': Huh?... Oh... All right! Let's play while the sun... i-i-is out! <hr width="80%"/> :'''Emmy''': So... Wheezie, what's your mom and dad's dragon links building kit look like? :'''Wheezie''': Well, it got lots of pieces you put together to make... ''[Zak covers his snout]'' :'''Zak''': Nothing. :'''Wheezie''': ''[while Zak gets angry]'' What? Oh! Yeah, nothing. Hey! '''LOOK, IT'S... A SNOWSTORM...!''' <hr width="80%"/> :'''Wheezie''': '''HOLD IT STEADY, ZAK...!''' :'''Zak''': '''I'M TRYING!''' But it's too heavy to hold up all by myself. ''[the pieces fall to the floor]'' We could use Ord's muscles. :'''Wheezie''': ''[smile]'' What if we asked Ord to help us? :'''Zak''': Okay, but only Ord. Everybody else can only see it when we're done. ===''Cowboy Max'' [3.29b]=== '''YEE-HAW!''' ===''Flip Flop'' [3.30a]=== :'''Max''': Hey! Zak is acting like Wheezie! :'''Ord''': And Wheezie is acting like Zak. :'''Zak and Wheezie''': We are? '''WE ARE!''' :'''Wheezie''': '''OOOOOH!''' :'''Zak''': '''AHHHHHHHHH!''' :'''Cassie''': Maybe Quetzal will know why this is hapenning. <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Let's get's over with. :'''Zak''': Oh, oh, oh!... Wait!... I want to hold it. :'''Wheezie''': It doesn't matter who holds it. :'''Zak''': ''[annoyed]'' You held it last time! <hr width="40%"/> :'''Zak''': Now we can make a wish to flip-flop back. '''HOOOOORAY...!''' ''[he flies away with Wheezie, they do two somersaults and fall to the ground]'' :'''Wheezie''': Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... :'''Emmy''': Wheezie, are you okay? :'''Max''': You're that funny color that Zak turns when you do somersaults. :'''Wheezie''': Oh, gee, Zak, is this how you feel when I make us do somersaults? :'''Zak''': If you mean all dizzy-wizzy in your head and icky-sicky in our stomach, yes... :'''Wheezie''': Oh, I'm sorry, Zaky, I didn't know it made you feel so bad. <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': There's no one else here! This is hopeless. Zaaak... We already looked in the dailing flowers... :'''Zak''': See what I made? :'''Wheezie''': Why are you acting so silly when we have something important to do? :'''Zak''': Ooh... Can't we have fun at the same time...? :'''Ord''': Usually Zak is the one who gets upset because Wheezie acting silly... :'''Zak''': Wheezie, when you act silly sometimes, aren't you just trying to make the job fun? :'''Wheezie''': Huh, just like you're doing now. :'''Zak''': '''OHHHHHHH!''' ''[laugh]'' <hr width="40%"/> :'''Zak''': '''FOLLOW THAT STATUE!''' <hr width="40%"/> :'''Wheezie''': Woo-hoo! I feel the tickle-lickle, that beautiful statue must have granted our wish... :'''Quetzal''': So, Zak, how do you feel being back to your old self? :'''Zak''': '''LOOOOOOOVE IT!''' :''[Everyone gasps]'' :'''Zak''': Hey, I can be silly too... :''[Everyone laugh]'' ==Cast== * [[w:Andrea Libman|Andrea Libman]] as Emmy * Danny McKinnon as Max * Aida Ortega as Enrique * [[w:Chantal Strand|Chantal Strand]] as Cassie * [[w:Ty Olsson|Ty Olsson]] as Ord * Jason Michas as Zak * [[w:Kathleen Barr|Kathleen Barr]] as Wheezie ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Dragon Tales}} [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dragons]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] 7r1tueq9e2ya3nbn8s24gxparkitu48 0 234430 3944492 3896258 2026-05-23T13:49:14Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944492 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Emily Ratajkowski at Emmy Awards 2016.jpg|thumb|Ratajkowski in 2016]] '''[[w:Emily Ratajkowski|Emily O'Hara Ratajkowski]]''' (/ˌrætəˈkaʊski/, Polish: [ratajˈkɔfskʲi]; born June 7, 1991) is an American model, actress, author and podcaster. ==Quotes== * We’re at an interesting time where women have been told to take the pill is cool, to sleep with whom­ever you want, or wear what you want. But if you’re naked, it can be offensive or sexist in some way. That’s the last step our culture needs to deal with. We have this culture of men, especially, watching pornography, but then offended by a classic nude portrait or photograph, and I’ve never felt that way. ** Interview with ''Ocean Drive'' magazine, as reported by Fox News [https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/blurred-lines-model-emily-ratajkowski-men-need-to-get-over-naked-women "'Blurred Lines' model Emily Ratajkowski: Men need to get over naked women"] (April 5, 2016) * I dreamed of you for the first time the other night. You were swaddled in a blanket and floating. Your hair was dark brown before it curled and turned blonde, just like your father's. I brought my head down to my clavicle and nuzzled you, melting a little. I told you, or did you tell me that it wasn't time yet? We are waiting for you, wondering who you will be. I've made a habit of Googling strange changes in my body in the off chance they might be connected to your existence. Too much saliva, bleeding gums, muscle pains in the lower abdomen. Every time, no matter how seemingly random, all of these symptoms are correct, connected to the making of you. I'm reminded my body is marching onward without any help from me. There is a quietness that comes with pregnancy, a humbling. I'm listening for you. I'm full of wonder. Mornings and nights, my stomach grows. It's getting colder, an election is coming. I feel you flutter underneath my belly button. I want you to see the world's potential. You feel like the world's potential. I'm driving through Manhattan, looking out the backseat window of my friend's car, studying pedestrians as they move through the city. A man crosses the street in glasses, another jogs in place, his eyes focused ahead of him. I stare at these strangers. Will that be you? I wonder. I'm in the shower, rearranging all the names I'm thinking of for you in my head. I peer down at my belly and say one of them aloud to see if it fits. Water steadily beats against my back. In that moment I can't feel it myself or the space around me. Just you. Hello, I think, is that you? My chest swells and my eyes sting with the thought that one day soon, so very soon, your presence will be real. I close my eyes and try to imagine you moving through the pixelated darkness of my mind's eye. I cannot wait to see who you will be. ** Her pregnancy announcement video (2020) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT: Ratajkowski, Emily}} [[Category:1991 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Models from California]] [[Category:Actresses from California]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Women born in the 1990s]] [[Category:Jewish American actresses]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] jl682gfiq720dy1x43ljqll7wz1itvi 0 234763 3944519 3721898 2026-05-23T16:39:14Z Aydenmajchrzak 3328194 Change Dina's name in last section from "Dinah" to "Dina" 3944519 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Last of Us Part II|The Last of Us Part II]]''''' is an [[w:Action-adventure game|action-adventure]] {{w|survival horror}} video game developed by {{w|Naughty Dog}} and published by {{w|Sony Computer Entertainment}}. It is the sequel to [[The Last of Us]] and was released for the {{w|Playstation 4}} in June 2020. ==Dialogue== *''[First lines]'' :'''Joel:''' ''[Cleaning a guitar]'' I don't know what happened. I was supposed to take her to the Fireflies and walk away. You go halfway across the country with someone... She needed her immunity to mean somethin'. Maybe I was starting to buy into that whole... cure business. Maybe I just wanted to do right by her. And then we made it. We found the Fireflies. And because of her... They were actually going to make a cure. The only catch... it would kill her. :''[Flashback of Joel breaking into the operation room]'' :'''Joel:''' Sweet Jesus. :'''Nurse:''' Doctor? :'''Surgeon:''' What are you doing in here? ''[Grabs a scalpel]'' I won't let you take her. This is our future, think of all the lives we'll save. :'''Tommy:''' Jesus Christ, Joel. What'd you do? :'''Joel:''' I saved her. :''[After killing the surgeon, Joel goes to get Ellie off the operating table]'' :'''Joel:''' C'mon, baby girl. I gotcha. I gotcha. :''[The alarms go off]'' :'''Firefly:''' Cover the exits! Don't let him get away! :'''Joel:''' Oh shit. ''[Exits the hospital with Ellie]'' :'''Tommy:''' Goddamn. That's... That's a lot. What does Ellie know? :'''Joel:''' I told her they just ran some tests. I told her... her immunity meant nothin'. :'''Tommy:''' And she believed you? :'''Joel:''' Didn't say otherwise. :'''Tommy:''' ''[Standing up]'' We should head back. :''[Tommy and Joel both get up to leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Abby:''' ''[Walking over to Owen]'' Hey. :'''Owen:''' Hi. What were you dreaming about? :'''Abby:''' Was I talking? :'''Owen:''' You were doing your teeth grinding thing. :'''Abby:''' Where've you been? :'''Owen:''' Grab your gear. I wanna show you something. :'''Abby:''' What? :'''Owen:''' Trust me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ellie:''' Hey! He's got that videotape thing. :'''Dina:''' Huh. ''[Inspects the tapes]'' "Dong of the Wolf". "Smash Brandi's Cootch". :'''Ellie:''' Are these--? :'''Dina:''' It's porn. :'''Ellie:''' Interesting taste, Eugene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dina:''' ''[Looking at a jar full of joints]'' Oh! There we go. :'''Ellie:''' You think it's still good? :'''Dina:''' Does weed go bad? :'''Ellie:''' Mm-mmm. Let's find out. ''[Tries to open the jar]'' :'''Dina:''' You having a hard time? :'''Ellie:''' No, I got it. Fuck. :'''Dina:''' Give me that. ''[Takes the jar from Ellie]'' :'''Ellie:''' Oh, yeah, like you're going to get it. :'''Dina:''' ''[Tries and fails to open the jar]'' Okay. It's... :'''Ellie:''' Yeah. :'''Dina:''' Fuck it. ''[Smashes the jar on the floor]'' :'''Ellie:''' What the fuck is wrong with you? :'''Dina:''' I got it open, didn't I? :'''Ellie:''' ''[Sighs]'' :''[Ellie sniffs one of the joints]'' :'''Ellie:''' Smells good. ''[Gives Dina the joint]'' :''[Dina sticks the joint in her mouth]'' :'''Dina:''' I mean... ''[Takes out her lighter]'' We're gonna be stuck here a while, right? ''[Lights the joint]'' :'''Ellie:''' Totally trapped. :'''Dina:''' Can I ask you a question? :'''Ellie:''' I don't know, can you? :'''Dina:''' Scale of one to ten. One being like absolute trash, and ten being life-altering... how would you rate our kiss from last night? :'''Ellie:''' Why are we still talking about this? You said it was a mistake. :'''Dina:''' Did I say that? :'''Ellie:''' What are you doing? :'''Dina:''' I asked you to rate our kiss. :'''Ellie:''' I don't know. :'''Dina:''' I'd give it a six. :'''Ellie:''' A six! Wow. :'''Dina:''' Like a solid six. :'''Ellie:''' Okay. :'''Dina:''' There were a lot of people around. :'''Ellie:''' Yeah, but, six? :'''Dina:''' Oh, what? I mean, now I really want to know how you'd rate it. :'''Ellie:''' I don't think you do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy:''' How long you all been here? :'''Manuel:''' Since yesterday. :'''Joel:''' Yesterday. :'''Manuel:''' Yep. :'''Joel:''' What are y'all doing out this way? :'''Jordan:''' Oh, just passing through. You two live nearby? :'''Tommy:''' We do. A few hours down the hill. Y'all should come back with us. Restock before you head out. :'''Mel:''' Appreciate it. I'm Mel, by the way. :'''Tommy:''' ''[Shakes Mel's hand]'' Tommy. This is my brother. :'''Joel:''' Joel. :''[Everyone in the room suddenly goes quiet and looks at Joel]'' :'''Joel:''' Y'all act like you've heard of us or something. :'''Abby:''' That's 'cause they have. ''[Shoots Joel in the knee with her shotgun]'' :''[Joel collapses to the floor]'' :'''Tommy:''' NO! :'''Owen:''' Get the other one! :''[Tommy punches Nick, only for Jordan to restrain him. Nora knocks him out by hitting him in the head with her gun]'' :'''Owen:''' Nora? All clear? :'''Nora:''' He's out. :'''Abby:''' Put him against the wall. :'''Joel:''' Tommy. :''[Manuel and Nick drag Joel over to the wall]'' :'''Joel:''' Get off me! Get off me! Aahh! :'''Manuel:''' ¡Puta Madre! :'''Abby:''' Joel Miller... :'''Joel:''' Who are you? :'''Abby:''' Guess. :'''Joel:''' Why don't you say whatever speech you've got rehearsed and get this over with. :'''Abby:''' ''[Gives her shotgun to Owen]'' Tourniquet his leg. Do it! :''[Mel puts her gun down to tourniquet Joel's leg as Abby goes to grab a golf club]'' :'''Owen:''' Don't you fucking move! :''[Mel begins to tourniquet Joel's leg]'' :'''Joel:''' ''[Grunting in pain]'' God damn it! :'''Abby:''' Clear out. :''[Manny, Nick and Owen step away from Joel as Abby brandishes her golf club]'' :'''Abby:''' You stupid old man... You don't get to rush this. ''[Swings her golf club at Joel's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy:''' Hey. :'''Ellie:''' Hey. :'''Tommy:''' Could I sit down, please? :'''Ellie:''' Yeah. :''[Tommy enters Ellie's house as Ellie closes the door. The duo then sit on the couch together]'' :'''Tommy:''' ''[Puts his box of food on the table]'' Maria wants to make sure you're eating. :'''Ellie:''' She can't stop us. :'''Tommy:''' To have the guys that we would need... to do this smart... we'd be leaving Jackson vulnerable. :'''Ellie:''' So they just get to get away with this? :'''Tommy:''' Nobody wants that. :'''Ellie:''' Yeah, but that's what's happening. :'''Tommy:''' What if we get hit by hunters again? :'''Ellie:''' Is this you talking or is this her? :'''Tommy:''' It's a valid point. :'''Ellie:''' If it were you or me, Joel would be halfway to Seattle already. :'''Tommy:''' No, he wouldn't. :'''Ellie:''' He absolutely fucking would be-- :'''Tommy:''' Well, we don't even know for certain that they're from Seattle. :'''Ellie:''' "Washington Liberation Front". That's what you said was on those patches. :'''Tommy:''' What if they stole those jackets? :'''Ellie:''' ''[Stands up]'' That's... :'''Tommy:''' What if the WLF moved? :'''Ellie:''' What are you doing? You know what? I'm leaving tomorrow. And if you want to come with me, great. :'''Tommy:''' You have no idea what you're walking into. You don't know how large that group is, how armed-- :'''Ellie:''' I don't care. You can't talk me out of this. :'''Tommy:''' ''[Stands up]'' Give me a day to talk to Maria. Okay? Gotta be some folk she can spare. :'''Ellie:''' And if she won't budge? :'''Tommy:''' Well, I'll figure something out. One day. Please. :'''Ellie:''' Fine. :''[Tommy and Ellie hug]'' :'''Tommy:''' Okay... Okay. ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> *'''Ellie:''' Don't scream. Put that shit down. :''[Nora puts her tray onto the desk]'' :'''Ellie:''' You remember me? Yeah. You remember me. :'''Nora:''' What do you want? :'''Ellie:''' Abby was here earlier. Where'd she go? :'''Nora:''' I don't know. You shoot me... the sound will have every soldier come running. :'''Ellie:''' You'll still be dead. Tell me where she went and I'll think about letting you go. :'''Nora:''' We could have killed you. :'''Ellie:''' Maybe you should have. Or maybe you should have stayed the fuck out of Jackson. Where's Abby? :'''Nora:''' You still hear his screams? :'''Ellie:''' What? :'''Nora:''' I hear them every night... Yeah. Yeah, that little bitch got what he deserved. :'''Ellie:''' ''[Enraged]'' You fucking cunt- :''[Nora throws her tray at Ellie and escapes]'' :'''Nora:''' Help! Trespasser! Somebody! Please! Over here! <hr width="50%"/> *'''Ellie:''' ''[Confronting Mel and Owen]'' Hands up. :''[Mel and Owen slowly raise their hands]'' :'''Ellie:''' Where's Abby? :'''Owen:''' You're that girl from Jackson. :'''Ellie:''' Tell me where she went. :'''Mel:''' How do we know you won't kill us? :'''Owen:''' You give her what she wants and we're dead. :'''Ellie:''' You guys can survive this. I just need her. :'''Owen:''' Bullshit. :'''Ellie:''' ''[Produces a map, then points her gun at Mel]'' You. Come here. Fucking get over here! :''[Mel steps forward]'' :'''Ellie:''' Point to where she is on this map. ''[Turns to Owen]'' And then you. It better fucking match up. :'''Mel:''' Okay-- :'''Owen:''' What are you doing? :'''Mel:''' She's probably dead anyway! :'''Owen:''' It is not worth it. :'''Ellie:''' Stop! :'''Owen:''' We can talk about-- :'''Ellie:''' Back the fuck up! ''[Turns to Mel]'' Point to where she is. Fucking point--! :''[Owen rushes in to grab Ellie's gun, but Ellie punches him and shoots him in the chest]'' :'''Mel:''' Owen! ''[Rushes at Ellie with a knife]'' :''[Ellie manage to overpower Mel and stab her in the neck]'' :'''Owen:''' ''[Struggling to stay alive]'' She- :'''Ellie:''' Tell me where Abby is. :'''Owen:''' She's... :'''Ellie:''' Where the fuck is that bitch? :'''Owen:''' (Inaudible) ''[He's actually saying "pregnant"]'' :'''Ellie:''' ''[Walks over to Mel]'' No, no, no... :''[Ellie turns Mel's body over to see that she is indeed pregnant]'' :'''Ellie:''' Oh fuck... Oh fuck. ''[Begins hyperventilating]'' :''[Tommy enters]'' :'''Tommy:''' Ellie! Ellie! :''[Ellie points her gun at Tommy]'' :'''Tommy:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey... :'''Ellie:''' I'm sorry... :''[Jesse enters]'' :'''Tommy:''' It's all right. Come on, let's go. Let's go. It's all right. :''[The group leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> *'''Jesse:''' How you doing? :'''Ellie:''' Fine. :'''Jesse:''' Ellie. :'''Ellie:''' Fine. ''[Sighs]'' Thanks for coming back for me. :'''Jesse:''' My friends' problems are my problems. :'''Ellie:''' ''[Scoffs]'' You're such a sap. :'''Jesse:''' All right. How about, my friends can't get out of their own damn way? :'''Ellie:''' That's better. :''[Tommy grunts from the other room]'' :'''Ellie:''' Shit! :''[Ellie and Jesse rush into the other room and Jesse is promptly shot]'' :'''Ellie:''' Jesse? :'''Abby:''' Stand up! ''[Points her gun at Tommy]'' Hands in the air or I shoot this one, too! :'''Tommy:''' Don't you do it, Ellie! Get out of here! :'''Abby:''' Stand up now! :'''Tommy:''' Don't you fucking dare-- :'''Abby:''' Shut the fuck up! ''[Kicks Tommy]'' :'''Ellie:''' Fuck. :'''Abby:''' All right-- :'''Ellie:''' Stop, stop! ''[Raises her hands]'' :'''Abby:''' Toss your weapon. Toss your weapon! :'''Ellie:''' Fuck! ''[Throws her gun away]'' :'''Tommy:''' No... no... :'''Ellie:''' I know why you killed Joel. He did what he did to save me. There's no cure because of me. I'm the one that you want. Just let him go. :'''Abby:''' You killed my friends... We let you both live and you wasted it! ''[Points her gun at Ellie]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry:''' It's intertwined with the brain, there's no other option. :'''Marlene:''' There has to be some other way. :'''Jerry:''' There's no way to remove the specimen without destroying the host. :'''Marlene:''' ''[Horrified]'' The host? She is a child, not some petri dish. :'''Jerry:''' You think I don't... I'm aware of the situation. :'''Marlene:''' And you're okay with killing her? :'''Jerry:''' No, I'm okay with developing a vaccine that'll help save millions of lives. How many Fireflies have died for less? :'''Marlene:''' That was their choice. Are you asking me, or are you telling me this is how it's gonna be? :'''Jerry:''' I am begging you to buy in. :'''Marlene:''' And what if this was Abby? :'''Jerry:''' Look, everything that we've all been fighting for, all the sacrifices, all the horrific... all of that is justified with this one act. :'''Marlene:''' If this was your daughter, what would you do? :''[Abby enters with a plate of food]'' :'''Jerry:''' Abby. :'''Abby:''' I brought you some dinner. :'''Jerry:''' Thank you, sweetheart. Look, Marlene-- :'''Marlene:''' Do it. :'''Jerry:''' Thank you. :'''Marlene:''' I'm gonna go tell Joel. :'''Jerry:''' Why? :'''Marlene:''' He traveled across the country with her. He has a right to know. Good luck with your surgery. ''[Leaves]'' :'''Abby:''' You're doing the right thing. :'''Jerry:''' Yeah. :'''Abby:''' If it was me... I'd want you to do the surgery. <hr width="50%"/> *''[Abby and Lev come across the dead body of Abby's dog, Alice]'' :'''Lev:''' Is that...? :''[Abby picks up a pipe near Alice's corpse]'' :'''Abby:''' Stay behind me. <hr width="50%"/> *''[Abby sees the dead bodies of Mel and Owen]'' :'''Abby:''' ''[Collapses to the floor and throws up]'' Fuck... :'''Lev:''' ''[Picks up Ellie's map that she dropped]'' Abby... : ''[Abby takes the map from Lev. It has the Pinnacle theater circled. Abby looks at Lev angrily]'' <hr width="50%"/> *''[Abby is smashing Dina's head on the floor of the theater]'' :'''Ellie:''' Stop. Stop! :''[Abby puts her knife to Dina's neck]'' :'''Ellie:''' She had nothing to do with this. She's pregnant. :'''Abby:''' Good. ''[Prepares to slit Dina's throat]'' :'''Lev:''' Abby! :''[Abby looks at Lev, then lets Dina go]'' :'''Abby:''' Don't ever let me see you again. ''[Walks off]'' Come on. :''[Lev follows Abby out of the theater]'' ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2020 video games]] [[Category:Survival horror games]] [[Category:Adventure games]] [[Category:PlayStation 4 video games]] [[Category:The Last of Us]] [[Category:Video game controversies]] i1q3qsq8p5bu2ee30ay5llmfi3i9s6k 3944535 3944519 2026-05-23T17:03:50Z Filmator1 3314256 /* */ 3944535 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:The_Last_of_Us_Part_II_vertical_logo.svg|thumb|right]] '''''[[w:The Last of Us Part II|The Last of Us Part II]]''''' is an [[w:Action-adventure game|action-adventure]] {{w|survival horror}} video game developed by {{w|Naughty Dog}} and published by {{w|Sony Computer Entertainment}}. It is the sequel to [[The Last of Us]] and was released for the {{w|Playstation 4}} in June 2020. ==Dialogue== *''[First lines]'' :'''Joel:''' ''[Cleaning a guitar]'' I don't know what happened. I was supposed to take her to the Fireflies and walk away. You go halfway across the country with someone... She needed her immunity to mean somethin'. Maybe I was starting to buy into that whole... cure business. Maybe I just wanted to do right by her. And then we made it. We found the Fireflies. And because of her... They were actually going to make a cure. The only catch... it would kill her. :''[Flashback of Joel breaking into the operation room]'' :'''Joel:''' Sweet Jesus. :'''Nurse:''' Doctor? :'''Surgeon:''' What are you doing in here? ''[Grabs a scalpel]'' I won't let you take her. This is our future, think of all the lives we'll save. :'''Tommy:''' Jesus Christ, Joel. What'd you do? :'''Joel:''' I saved her. :''[After killing the surgeon, Joel goes to get Ellie off the operating table]'' :'''Joel:''' C'mon, baby girl. I gotcha. I gotcha. :''[The alarms go off]'' :'''Firefly:''' Cover the exits! Don't let him get away! :'''Joel:''' Oh shit. ''[Exits the hospital with Ellie]'' :'''Tommy:''' Goddamn. That's... That's a lot. What does Ellie know? :'''Joel:''' I told her they just ran some tests. I told her... her immunity meant nothin'. :'''Tommy:''' And she believed you? :'''Joel:''' Didn't say otherwise. :'''Tommy:''' ''[Standing up]'' We should head back. :''[Tommy and Joel both get up to leave]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Abby:''' ''[Walking over to Owen]'' Hey. :'''Owen:''' Hi. What were you dreaming about? :'''Abby:''' Was I talking? :'''Owen:''' You were doing your teeth grinding thing. :'''Abby:''' Where've you been? :'''Owen:''' Grab your gear. I wanna show you something. :'''Abby:''' What? :'''Owen:''' Trust me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ellie:''' Hey! He's got that videotape thing. :'''Dina:''' Huh. ''[Inspects the tapes]'' "Dong of the Wolf". "Smash Brandi's Cootch". :'''Ellie:''' Are these--? :'''Dina:''' It's porn. :'''Ellie:''' Interesting taste, Eugene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dina:''' ''[Looking at a jar full of joints]'' Oh! There we go. :'''Ellie:''' You think it's still good? :'''Dina:''' Does weed go bad? :'''Ellie:''' Mm-mmm. Let's find out. ''[Tries to open the jar]'' :'''Dina:''' You having a hard time? :'''Ellie:''' No, I got it. Fuck. :'''Dina:''' Give me that. ''[Takes the jar from Ellie]'' :'''Ellie:''' Oh, yeah, like you're going to get it. :'''Dina:''' ''[Tries and fails to open the jar]'' Okay. It's... :'''Ellie:''' Yeah. :'''Dina:''' Fuck it. ''[Smashes the jar on the floor]'' :'''Ellie:''' What the fuck is wrong with you? :'''Dina:''' I got it open, didn't I? :'''Ellie:''' ''[Sighs]'' :''[Ellie sniffs one of the joints]'' :'''Ellie:''' Smells good. ''[Gives Dina the joint]'' :''[Dina sticks the joint in her mouth]'' :'''Dina:''' I mean... ''[Takes out her lighter]'' We're gonna be stuck here a while, right? ''[Lights the joint]'' :'''Ellie:''' Totally trapped. :'''Dina:''' Can I ask you a question? :'''Ellie:''' I don't know, can you? :'''Dina:''' Scale of one to ten. One being like absolute trash, and ten being life-altering... how would you rate our kiss from last night? :'''Ellie:''' Why are we still talking about this? You said it was a mistake. :'''Dina:''' Did I say that? :'''Ellie:''' What are you doing? :'''Dina:''' I asked you to rate our kiss. :'''Ellie:''' I don't know. :'''Dina:''' I'd give it a six. :'''Ellie:''' A six! Wow. :'''Dina:''' Like a solid six. :'''Ellie:''' Okay. :'''Dina:''' There were a lot of people around. :'''Ellie:''' Yeah, but, six? :'''Dina:''' Oh, what? I mean, now I really want to know how you'd rate it. :'''Ellie:''' I don't think you do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy:''' How long you all been here? :'''Manuel:''' Since yesterday. :'''Joel:''' Yesterday. :'''Manuel:''' Yep. :'''Joel:''' What are y'all doing out this way? :'''Jordan:''' Oh, just passing through. You two live nearby? :'''Tommy:''' We do. A few hours down the hill. Y'all should come back with us. Restock before you head out. :'''Mel:''' Appreciate it. I'm Mel, by the way. :'''Tommy:''' ''[Shakes Mel's hand]'' Tommy. This is my brother. :'''Joel:''' Joel. :''[Everyone in the room suddenly goes quiet and looks at Joel]'' :'''Joel:''' Y'all act like you've heard of us or something. :'''Abby:''' That's 'cause they have. ''[Shoots Joel in the knee with her shotgun]'' :''[Joel collapses to the floor]'' :'''Tommy:''' NO! :'''Owen:''' Get the other one! :''[Tommy punches Nick, only for Jordan to restrain him. Nora knocks him out by hitting him in the head with her gun]'' :'''Owen:''' Nora? All clear? :'''Nora:''' He's out. :'''Abby:''' Put him against the wall. :'''Joel:''' Tommy. :''[Manuel and Nick drag Joel over to the wall]'' :'''Joel:''' Get off me! Get off me! Aahh! :'''Manuel:''' ¡Puta Madre! :'''Abby:''' Joel Miller... :'''Joel:''' Who are you? :'''Abby:''' Guess. :'''Joel:''' Why don't you say whatever speech you've got rehearsed and get this over with. :'''Abby:''' ''[Gives her shotgun to Owen]'' Tourniquet his leg. Do it! :''[Mel puts her gun down to tourniquet Joel's leg as Abby goes to grab a golf club]'' :'''Owen:''' Don't you fucking move! :''[Mel begins to tourniquet Joel's leg]'' :'''Joel:''' ''[Grunting in pain]'' God damn it! :'''Abby:''' Clear out. :''[Manny, Nick and Owen step away from Joel as Abby brandishes her golf club]'' :'''Abby:''' You stupid old man... You don't get to rush this. ''[Swings her golf club at Joel's head]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy:''' Hey. :'''Ellie:''' Hey. :'''Tommy:''' Could I sit down, please? :'''Ellie:''' Yeah. :''[Tommy enters Ellie's house as Ellie closes the door. The duo then sit on the couch together]'' :'''Tommy:''' ''[Puts his box of food on the table]'' Maria wants to make sure you're eating. :'''Ellie:''' She can't stop us. :'''Tommy:''' To have the guys that we would need... to do this smart... we'd be leaving Jackson vulnerable. :'''Ellie:''' So they just get to get away with this? :'''Tommy:''' Nobody wants that. :'''Ellie:''' Yeah, but that's what's happening. :'''Tommy:''' What if we get hit by hunters again? :'''Ellie:''' Is this you talking or is this her? :'''Tommy:''' It's a valid point. :'''Ellie:''' If it were you or me, Joel would be halfway to Seattle already. :'''Tommy:''' No, he wouldn't. :'''Ellie:''' He absolutely fucking would be-- :'''Tommy:''' Well, we don't even know for certain that they're from Seattle. :'''Ellie:''' "Washington Liberation Front". That's what you said was on those patches. :'''Tommy:''' What if they stole those jackets? :'''Ellie:''' ''[Stands up]'' That's... :'''Tommy:''' What if the WLF moved? :'''Ellie:''' What are you doing? You know what? I'm leaving tomorrow. And if you want to come with me, great. :'''Tommy:''' You have no idea what you're walking into. You don't know how large that group is, how armed-- :'''Ellie:''' I don't care. You can't talk me out of this. :'''Tommy:''' ''[Stands up]'' Give me a day to talk to Maria. Okay? Gotta be some folk she can spare. :'''Ellie:''' And if she won't budge? :'''Tommy:''' Well, I'll figure something out. One day. Please. :'''Ellie:''' Fine. :''[Tommy and Ellie hug]'' :'''Tommy:''' Okay... Okay. ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> *'''Ellie:''' Don't scream. Put that shit down. :''[Nora puts her tray onto the desk]'' :'''Ellie:''' You remember me? Yeah. You remember me. :'''Nora:''' What do you want? :'''Ellie:''' Abby was here earlier. Where'd she go? :'''Nora:''' I don't know. You shoot me... the sound will have every soldier come running. :'''Ellie:''' You'll still be dead. Tell me where she went and I'll think about letting you go. :'''Nora:''' We could have killed you. :'''Ellie:''' Maybe you should have. Or maybe you should have stayed the fuck out of Jackson. Where's Abby? :'''Nora:''' You still hear his screams? :'''Ellie:''' What? :'''Nora:''' I hear them every night... Yeah. Yeah, that little bitch got what he deserved. :'''Ellie:''' ''[Enraged]'' You fucking cunt- :''[Nora throws her tray at Ellie and escapes]'' :'''Nora:''' Help! Trespasser! Somebody! Please! Over here! <hr width="50%"/> *'''Ellie:''' ''[Confronting Mel and Owen]'' Hands up. :''[Mel and Owen slowly raise their hands]'' :'''Ellie:''' Where's Abby? :'''Owen:''' You're that girl from Jackson. :'''Ellie:''' Tell me where she went. :'''Mel:''' How do we know you won't kill us? :'''Owen:''' You give her what she wants and we're dead. :'''Ellie:''' You guys can survive this. I just need her. :'''Owen:''' Bullshit. :'''Ellie:''' ''[Produces a map, then points her gun at Mel]'' You. Come here. Fucking get over here! :''[Mel steps forward]'' :'''Ellie:''' Point to where she is on this map. ''[Turns to Owen]'' And then you. It better fucking match up. :'''Mel:''' Okay-- :'''Owen:''' What are you doing? :'''Mel:''' She's probably dead anyway! :'''Owen:''' It is not worth it. :'''Ellie:''' Stop! :'''Owen:''' We can talk about-- :'''Ellie:''' Back the fuck up! ''[Turns to Mel]'' Point to where she is. Fucking point--! :''[Owen rushes in to grab Ellie's gun, but Ellie punches him and shoots him in the chest]'' :'''Mel:''' Owen! ''[Rushes at Ellie with a knife]'' :''[Ellie manage to overpower Mel and stab her in the neck]'' :'''Owen:''' ''[Struggling to stay alive]'' She- :'''Ellie:''' Tell me where Abby is. :'''Owen:''' She's... :'''Ellie:''' Where the fuck is that bitch? :'''Owen:''' (Inaudible) ''[He's actually saying "pregnant"]'' :'''Ellie:''' ''[Walks over to Mel]'' No, no, no... :''[Ellie turns Mel's body over to see that she is indeed pregnant]'' :'''Ellie:''' Oh fuck... Oh fuck. ''[Begins hyperventilating]'' :''[Tommy enters]'' :'''Tommy:''' Ellie! Ellie! :''[Ellie points her gun at Tommy]'' :'''Tommy:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey... :'''Ellie:''' I'm sorry... :''[Jesse enters]'' :'''Tommy:''' It's all right. Come on, let's go. Let's go. It's all right. :''[The group leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> *'''Jesse:''' How you doing? :'''Ellie:''' Fine. :'''Jesse:''' Ellie. :'''Ellie:''' Fine. ''[Sighs]'' Thanks for coming back for me. :'''Jesse:''' My friends' problems are my problems. :'''Ellie:''' ''[Scoffs]'' You're such a sap. :'''Jesse:''' All right. How about, my friends can't get out of their own damn way? :'''Ellie:''' That's better. :''[Tommy grunts from the other room]'' :'''Ellie:''' Shit! :''[Ellie and Jesse rush into the other room and Jesse is promptly shot]'' :'''Ellie:''' Jesse? :'''Abby:''' Stand up! ''[Points her gun at Tommy]'' Hands in the air or I shoot this one, too! :'''Tommy:''' Don't you do it, Ellie! Get out of here! :'''Abby:''' Stand up now! :'''Tommy:''' Don't you fucking dare-- :'''Abby:''' Shut the fuck up! ''[Kicks Tommy]'' :'''Ellie:''' Fuck. :'''Abby:''' All right-- :'''Ellie:''' Stop, stop! ''[Raises her hands]'' :'''Abby:''' Toss your weapon. Toss your weapon! :'''Ellie:''' Fuck! ''[Throws her gun away]'' :'''Tommy:''' No... no... :'''Ellie:''' I know why you killed Joel. He did what he did to save me. There's no cure because of me. I'm the one that you want. Just let him go. :'''Abby:''' You killed my friends... We let you both live and you wasted it! ''[Points her gun at Ellie]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry:''' It's intertwined with the brain, there's no other option. :'''Marlene:''' There has to be some other way. :'''Jerry:''' There's no way to remove the specimen without destroying the host. :'''Marlene:''' ''[Horrified]'' The host? She is a child, not some petri dish. :'''Jerry:''' You think I don't... I'm aware of the situation. :'''Marlene:''' And you're okay with killing her? :'''Jerry:''' No, I'm okay with developing a vaccine that'll help save millions of lives. How many Fireflies have died for less? :'''Marlene:''' That was their choice. Are you asking me, or are you telling me this is how it's gonna be? :'''Jerry:''' I am begging you to buy in. :'''Marlene:''' And what if this was Abby? :'''Jerry:''' Look, everything that we've all been fighting for, all the sacrifices, all the horrific... all of that is justified with this one act. :'''Marlene:''' If this was your daughter, what would you do? :''[Abby enters with a plate of food]'' :'''Jerry:''' Abby. :'''Abby:''' I brought you some dinner. :'''Jerry:''' Thank you, sweetheart. Look, Marlene-- :'''Marlene:''' Do it. :'''Jerry:''' Thank you. :'''Marlene:''' I'm gonna go tell Joel. :'''Jerry:''' Why? :'''Marlene:''' He traveled across the country with her. He has a right to know. Good luck with your surgery. ''[Leaves]'' :'''Abby:''' You're doing the right thing. :'''Jerry:''' Yeah. :'''Abby:''' If it was me... I'd want you to do the surgery. <hr width="50%"/> *''[Abby and Lev come across the dead body of Abby's dog, Alice]'' :'''Lev:''' Is that...? :''[Abby picks up a pipe near Alice's corpse]'' :'''Abby:''' Stay behind me. <hr width="50%"/> *''[Abby sees the dead bodies of Mel and Owen]'' :'''Abby:''' ''[Collapses to the floor and throws up]'' Fuck... :'''Lev:''' ''[Picks up Ellie's map that she dropped]'' Abby... : ''[Abby takes the map from Lev. It has the Pinnacle theater circled. Abby looks at Lev angrily]'' <hr width="50%"/> *''[Abby is smashing Dina's head on the floor of the theater]'' :'''Ellie:''' Stop. Stop! :''[Abby puts her knife to Dina's neck]'' :'''Ellie:''' She had nothing to do with this. She's pregnant. :'''Abby:''' Good. ''[Prepares to slit Dina's throat]'' :'''Lev:''' Abby! :''[Abby looks at Lev, then lets Dina go]'' :'''Abby:''' Don't ever let me see you again. ''[Walks off]'' Come on. :''[Lev follows Abby out of the theater]'' ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:2020 video games]] [[Category:Survival horror games]] [[Category:Adventure games]] [[Category:PlayStation 4 video games]] [[Category:The Last of Us]] [[Category:Video game controversies]] qrdma1221eciod5bb92qmwlvge6ib5l 0 240677 3944515 3919663 2026-05-23T15:50:27Z ~2026-16552-52 3302771 3944515 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Willy's Wonderland|Willy's Wonderland]]''''' is a [[w:2021 in film|2021]] American [[w:Action film|action]] [[w:Comedy horror|comedy horror]] film about a quiet drifter who is tricked into cleaning up an abandoned family entertainment center haunted by murderous animatronic characters. :''Directed by [[w:Kevin Lewis|Kevin Lewis]]. Written by G. O. Parsons. {{center/s}}'''Let playtime begin.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]{{center/e}} ==Liv Hawthorne== * Okay, shut up. Guys. If we’re doing this, we’re gonna do this as a mission, not a field trip. Are you with me or not? * I’m sorry, but I’m just not okay with letting somebody burn alive in there if we can do something about it. * ''[to The Janitor]'' Thank God you’re still alive. We gotta get you outta here. I stopped that bitch, but that won’t keep her away for long, so… ''[as The Janitor walks away]'' Hey! Did you not hear what I just said? ''[as The Janitor leaves The Fairy Room]'' Hey! * Guys, guys, it’s happening. It’s happening now. ''[walking up to Siren Sara]'' Oh, that’s the nasty bitch that tried to kill me. * This town has a dark history and it all starts with this horrible place. * ''[to Sheriff Eloise Lund]'' You don’t understand. You’ve locked the wrong guy up in here. [[Watchmen (film)|He's not trapped in there with them. They're trapped in here with him]]. * What’s worse, the dead body you saw, or the guy that you left to die? Are you ready to be a murderer? Because that’s exactly what you’re gonna be. You’re gonna be a cold-blooded… ''[The tires squeal as Deputy Evan Olson stops the police car]'' * Then what are you? You’re complicit. You’re just another cult member recruited by the sheriff to do all of her dirty work. * You don’t know what it’s like living with her. My entire life, it’s like I’ve been a ghost. And no matter what I do, it doesn’t change who she is. So I thought maybe I could do something right and burn this fucking place down. So I am doing something. What about you? Hmm? You just gonna sit there and watch all of this happen and not do anything about it? ==Willy Weasel== * ''[in a commercial]'' Hey, kids! You know what time it is? It's birthday time! ''[singing with other animatronics]'' It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. ''[speaking]'' Okay now, kids. Clap your hands like there's no tomorrow. ''[singing with other animatronics]'' We welcome you to Willy's, where everyone's your friend. ''[speaking]'' That's right. ''[singing with other animatronics]'' Here at Willy's Wonderland, the good times never end. Birthday fun for everyone, how old are you today? Everyone at Willy's is hoping you will stay. ''[speaking]'' Forever! ''[singing with other animatronics]'' It's birthday time, it's birthday time, it's birthday time. Let's cheer at Willy's Wonderland! ''[speaking]'' Proudly serving families since 1984. * ''[singing with other animatronics]'' We’re All Friends. We Like to Play. Play, play, play every night and day. We’re All Friends. We Like to Sing. Sing, sing, sing; it’s a wonderful thing! We’re All Friends. We Like to Run. Run, run, run to the beat of the drum. We’re All Friends. We Like to Dance. Dance, dance, dance like there’s ants in our pants. ''[speaking]'' Have you been to my Super Happy Fun Room yet? Well, what are you waiting for? ''[singing with other animatronics]'' The Super Happy Fun Room is super happy fun. Join us in the Fun Room, where you’ll be number one. Popcorn, cake, and hot dogs, soda and candy too. The Super Happy Fun Room. * Look at all these naughty birthday boys and birthday girls. I think it’s time for them to go nightie night. ''[singing with other animatronics]'' It’s your birthday and we want you to have fun. ''[Their voices distort]'' It’s your birthday, so let’s kill everyone... * ''[At the end of the movie, popping out of a gray screen as a cartoon version of himself, to the audience]'' And remember, friends, the party never ends! ''[offscreen, singing with other animatronics]'' At Willy's Wonderland! ==Ozzie Ostrich== * ''[to The Janitor]'' I'm gonna feast on your face! ==Sheriff Eloise Lund== * Oh. Stupid idiots. It’ll just incite him more. ''[to Willy Weasel, apologetically]'' Willy, this guy does not act for us. His actions should in no way reflect on the town of Hayesville. You know that, right, Willy? ''[to Deputy Evan Olson, holding The Janitor at gunpoint]'' Well, cuff him. For God’s sakes, cuff him. * I’ll give you two reasons why you are: your wife and your kid. If we don’t do what needs to be done, nobody in this county is safe. ''[to The Janitor, as Deputy Evan Olson cuffs The Janitor's hands together]'' Why couldn’t you just die? ''[to Liv Hawthorne]'' Where are the others? * ''[watching as The Janitor puts the bagged animatronics in the dumpster]'' That G.D. S.O.B. ''[The Janitor waves at her]'' Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. ''[to The Janitor, holding him at gunpoint]'' Hold it right there, boy. Inside, now! ''[marching The Janitor into Willy's Wonderland]'' Move! We had a good thing, but you just went and fucked it all up. Look at me. Look at me when I’m talking to you. All you had to do was die. Was that so hard? No, you just had to go ahead and stay alive, and now we got five dead kids because of you! You might have taken apart a few electronics, but I got a feeling that you can’t stop a round. ''[to Willy Weasel]'' Willy! ''[to The Janitor]'' Willy needs to eat, and I’m gonna feed him. ''[to Willy Weasel]'' Willy, come and get it! ''[Suddenly, the lights go out. Willy Weasel appears behind her and slices her in half. Both of her halves fall to the floor]'' ==Jed Love== * ''[to The Janitor]'' Yeah, I tell everybody that attempts the 50, there ain’t shit out here, but you gotta be prepared for anything. A bunch of fun-loving kids stole the zigzag out of the back of the sheriff’s pickup a month ago. Guess you found it for ’em. ''[He laughs]'' You know what some folks consider funny? Just ruin a man’s whole damn day. God’s honest truth. Now, where’d you say you’re from? Oh, you’re one of those guys that don’t wanna look back, huh? You’re one where the past lives in the past, huh? Yeah, I understand. No, I can’t blame you. I mean, we all got so much baggage. I just say, move forward. You’re a rolling stone. Yup. We had a car chase around here a while back. Some boy got up to 150 miles an hour, just launched it right off Tension’s Peak, man. It’s like a superhero. It went fwoom! Carnage was terrible. It was just… wow. * Hey, it’s gonna be about $250 for the tow, and we’ll need all four tires replaced. And there was something wrong with that chip, I think. But I can fix it for about $1,000. Yep. ''[The Janitor pulls a credit card out of his wallet]'' No, cash only. Uh-uh, no. And in advance. Yeah, I don’t take no plastic credit cards. ''[The Janitor sees an ATM machine with an "Out of order" sign]'' Oh, that over there. ''[Jed Love chuckles]'' Yeah, we ain’t got no internet in Hayesville. Yeah, so all the ATMs, they just don’t work. Yeah, we were gonna get it, but they just didn’t. ''[He laughs]'' You ain’t got the cash, huh? Now, ain’t that a dilly of a pickle? Hmm. You willing to work it off? Okay, then. I think I’ve got somebody who can accommodate. * ''[In the flashback, to The Hawthornes]'' Well, the good news is, I can fix it. The bad news is, it’s gonna have to sit 'til I get the part. Now, Hayesville’s one hotel’s booked. But I do have a place you can stay tonight. Now, it ain’t the Ritz, but it’s a roof and it’s free if you’re willing to do a little light cleaning. ==Deputy Evan Olson== * Sheriff, if I may, why’d you request the state to send backup for one night to curfew a place the size of a postage stamp? ''[He laughs]'' Oh, don’t get me wrong. I got a wife and kid on the way and I do love the overtime pay. ==Dialogue== :''[First lines]'' :''[The T.V. turns on]'' :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[in a commercial]'' Hey, kids! You know what time it is? It's birthday time! ''[singing with other animatronics]'' It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. It's your birthday, ''[offscreen, as Carl Hawthorne and Judy Hawthorne are in the hallway, listening for Willy Weasel's growls]'' and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. ''[offscreen, speaking]'' Okay now, kids. Clap your hands like there's no tomorrow. ''[offscreen, singing with other animatronics, as Carl and Judy run in the hallway, listening for Willy Weasel's snarls. Willy Weasel growls]'' We welcome you to Willy's, where everyone's your friend. :''[Willy Weasel growls, grabbing Carl, who screams]'' :'''Judy''': Carl! ''[She runs into the dining area. Willy Weasel fights her while little Liv watches from the janitor's closet]'' :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[in a commercial, singing with other animatronics]'' It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. ''[speaking]'' Okay now, kids. Clap your hands like there's no tomorrow. ''[singing with other animatronics]'' We welcome you to Willy's, where everyone's your friend. :'''Judy''': ''[screams offscreen]'' :''[Blood splatters on the T.V.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Lund''': Will you just stop it? :'''Liv''': Open the door! :'''Sheriff Lund''': I’ll open the damn door. ''[opens the passenger door]'' What the hell is wrong with you? No! God damn it. ''[Jed Love pulls up with the Janitor]'' Hey, Jed, what’s up? :'''Jed''': This old boy had the misfortune of finding your zigzags out there. I figured I’d bring ’em back to you. :'''Sheriff Lund''': He all right? :'''Jed''': Yeah, he’ll be all right. Tire’s not, but he’ll be fine. He had this pretty Camaro right here. Yes, yes, it was that ocean blue… ''[As he continues talking, The Janitor and Liv Hawthorne stare at each other]'' :'''Sheriff Lund''': Jed, I’ll come by and get ’em later. :'''Jed''': All turning around, spinning out, everything. He just slid right in there and then pop, pop… :'''Sheriff Lund''': I don’t have time for this today, okay? :'''Jed''': Yes, ma’am. ''[takes the Janitor to the garage]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liv''': Take this off me. :'''Sheriff Lund''': Oh, you gotta be kidding me. There’s not a chance in hell I’m letting you out of this trailer tonight. :'''Liv''': I hate you. :'''Sheriff Lund''': Oh, talk sweet to me all you want. Get down. You know the drill. Get down. :'''Liv''': Get out of my way. :'''Sheriff Lund''': Come here. :'''Liv''': What the hell are you doing? ''[Sheriff Eloise Lund handcuffs her to a pipe]'' Wait. :'''Sheriff Lund''': I’ll be back in the morning. :'''Liv''': What… how the hell am I supposed to eat? How am I supposed to take a piss? :'''Sheriff Lund''': There are chips on the coffee table and a bucket on the floor. Try not to make a mess. :'''Liv''': You’re a bitch. :'''Sheriff Lund''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, I love you too. ''[She sarcastically smooches]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jed''': ''[to the Janitor]'' You want God to laugh, you tell him your plans. ''[laughs]'' :'''Tex''': ''[to the Janitor]'' Howdy there, partner. My name is Tex, same as the state. Got the handle Macadoo. Welcome to Willy’s Wonderland. :'''Jed''': Yeah, he don’t talk much. :'''Tex''': And I respect that. I enjoy a man of few words. ''[Janitor looks at the graffiti]'' Well, business is not what it used to be, but I am fixing to reopen and make Willy’s better than ever. Anyway, enough horseshit. Here’s my offer. You spend the night cleaning Willy’s Wonderland and I will pay to have your car fixed. I go on in tomorrow, you come out of there, and your ride will be ready for you right there. Deal? ''[The Janitor stares at the "Willy's Wonderland" sign]'' If not, I got places to be. ''[Tex chuckles]'' All right. All right. ''[He chuckles]'' Let’s go inside. :'''Jed''': ''[to The Janitor]'' Good luck, mister. :''[The door squeaks as Tex and the Janitor enter the restaurant]'' :'''Tex''': Watch your step. Check this out. ''[He turns on the T.V.]'' :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[in a commercial]'' Hey, kids, it’s Willy the Weasel. Welcome to my wonderland. Come on down and meet the gang. We’ve got Arty the Alligator, Siren Sara, Cammy the Chameleon, Gus Gorilla, Knighty Knight, Ozzie the Ostrich, and Tito the Turtle.''[singing with other animatronics]'' It’s your birthday, so let’s party, everyone. It’s your birthday and we want you to have fun. It’s your birthday, so let’s party, everyone. :'''Tex''': We had some great times. Kids laughing, smiling, eating hot dogs, opening presents. You know the story, right? Well, some of these little bastards start crawling over the characters, they get hurt. A couple of lawsuits later from Mommy Safety Organizations and wham, bam, thank you, ma’am, we’re out of business. Shut us right down. ''[opens the janitor's closet]'' Damn thing always gets jammed. ''[sighs, turning on the light]'' Yeah. This stuff oughta do the trick. Broom, mop, bucket, drain snake, Windex, rags, whatever you need, we got it. ''[presents a Willy's Wonderland shirt]'' Oh, lookee here. Congratulations. You are officially on staff. ''[sighs]'' Well, pal, it’s gonna be dark soon. I’ll be back in the morning with that car of yours dapper and ready to drive or my name is not Tex Macadoo. ''[chuckles]'' Help yourself to whatever you can find in the kitchen. It’s on the house. And be sure to take breaks. Always good to pace yourself. That’s it. Good luck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tex chains the doors shut. He walks over to his truck]'' :'''Tex''': ''[exhales, trying to light cigar]'' Damn. :'''Jed''': I thought you quit. :'''Tex''': My last one. ''[sighs]'' Piece of shit. ''[throws the lighter at the dumpster]'' All right, let’s get the hell outta here. I can’t stand to hear a grown man scream. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Liv's friends pull up in the truck]'' :'''Chris''': Liv, you in there? :'''Liv''': Oh, shit. Yeah, I’m in here. Can you help me out? :'''Chris''': Yeah. Yeah, yeah. :'''Aaron Powers''': Okay, calm down, dude. No need to be a superhero. :'''Chris''': ''[bumps the door]'' Oh! :'''Aaron''': Oh, my God. :'''Chris''': Oh, damn it! Oh! :'''Aaron''': ''[opening the door]'' Nice one, genius. The door was unlocked. :'''Chris''': How am I supposed to know that? ''[they all enter the trailer]'' :'''Aaron''': Oh, shit. Let me see if we can find something to get you out of that. :'''Bob''': She gave you a bucket? Bitch is wicked. :'''Chris''': Liv, you okay? :'''Liv''': Are you okay? :'''Chris''': Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just… :'''Aaron''': I found a screwdriver. :'''Bob''': What the hell are we gonna do with a screwdriver? Have y’all never worn handcuffs before? :'''Aaron''': Oh, shut up. :'''Dan''': Why not just look for the key? :'''Chris''': ''[looks in the refrigerator]'' What the hell am I looking in the fridge for?''[closes the refrigerator]'' God, these eggs are definitely bad. ''[as Kathy unlocks the handcuffs, using a hairpin]'' We need, like, a saw or a pliers or something. :'''Bob''': Pliers? Can’t find no key in here. :'''Chris''': Shut up and find something. :'''Bob''': You shut up! You ain’t had no handcuffs on. :'''Liv''': ''[clears throat]'' Gee, thanks for the help, guys. :'''Chris''': Cool. We good. :'''Dan''': Yo. :'''Liv''': Come on. We’re late. I saw the bait already. :'''Chris''': Where? :'''Liv''': Well, he was with Jed in his truck. Probably locked inside Willy’s by now. :'''Bob''': Well, let’s roll out. I wanna see that bitch burn. :'''Kathy''': Yeah, burn, baby, burn. :'''Liv''': Wait, guys, this isn’t for your entertainment, okay? It’s for doing what’s right. :'''Bob''': It’s gotta be a little entertaining. Look, I wanna see them freak bastards die for what I see ’em do. :'''Aaron''': Shut up, dude. What have you seen them do? :'''Bob''': Remember that one time I was… :'''Liv''': Okay, shut up. Guys. If we’re doing this, we’re gonna do this as a mission, not a field trip. Are you with me or not? :'''Chris''': Yeah, we’re with you, Liv. :'''Aaron''': Whatever you say. :'''Bob''': Yeah. :'''Liv''': All right. Let’s do this. :''[Liv turns to flip the trailer off, and closes the door]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deputy Olson''': Sheriff, if I may, why’d you request the state to send backup for one night to curfew a place the size of a postage stamp? ''[laughs]'' Oh, don’t get me wrong. I got a wife and kid on the way and I do love the overtime pay. :'''Sheriff Lund''': Double overtime. :'''Deputy Olson''': Right. So what’s the plan the rest of the evening? :'''Sheriff Lund''': See that phone? :'''Deputy Olson''': Yeah. :'''Sheriff Lund''': We’re gonna sit here and pray it don’t ring. :'''Deputy Olson''': Copy that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Liv and her friends are pouring gasoline all over the front side of Willy's Wonderland]'' :'''Aaron''': Hey, Chris. :'''Chris''': What? :'''Aaron''': Can you pour gas literally anywhere else? :'''Chris''': I’m sorry you pour like crap, Aaron. :'''Aaron''': You’re pouring gas on top of my gas. :'''Chris''': All right, let me go over here and I’ll just paint the bush. :'''Aaron''': Perfect. Thank you. :'''Bob''': ''[to Kathy]'' Hey, you blowing bubbles? Bring your ass. :'''Aaron''': You forgot the lighter, didn’t you? :'''Chris''': No, I didn’t. :'''Aaron''': Then let me see it. Oh, my God. :'''Chris''': There you go. :'''Dan'': Yeah, all right. :'''Liv''': Wait, wait, wait. Uh-uh. Not yet. ''[Aaron scoffs]'' :'''Liv''': That guy’s still in there. We gotta get him out first. ''[the Janitor is cleaning the inside of an oven. Liv knocks at the window]'' Hey, sir! Sir! You’re not safe in there. We gotta get you out. ''[the Janitor leaves]'' Hey! :'''Kathy''': Well, that was rude. :'''Bob''': Hey, look, if he don’t wanna be safe, it’s his ass, not ours. :'''Liv''': Tough shit. I’m getting him out whether he likes it or not. :'''Aaron''': You wanna go in there with those things? Are you high? :'''Bob''': Look, if he wanna be cremated, that’s his business. :'''Aaron''': Yeah. :'''Liv''': I’m sorry, but I’m just not okay with letting somebody burn alive in there if we can do something about it. :'''Chris''': She’s right. :'''Aaron''': Of course she is, Chris. :'''Chris''': Oh, shut up! :'''Bob''': Hurry this shit up so we can go home. :'''Liv''': I’ll figure out how to get inside, but I’m not putting you guys in danger. You just figure out how to get us out once I do. :'''Chris''': Okay. <hr width="50%"/> :''[All of Liv Hawthorne's friends are on the roof]'' :'''Chris''': We go in, fast, we split up, and as soon as we find Liv and this janitor dude, we’re out. :'''Aaron''': Hmm. :'''Chris''': What, Aaron? :'''Aaron''': We just don’t need any more [[w:Batman|Batman]] bullshit, all right? :'''Chris''': Okay. Thank you. Yeah, I know. It’s only going to make it less safe for everyone else. :'''Dan''': You mean kinda like Liv just did? :'''Chris''': Excuse me? :'''Aaron''': Say what you gotta say. :'''Bob''': Speak up. Now’s the time, Dan. You ain’t gonna say it? :'''Chris''': Do you guys have something in mind? :'''Bob''': Hell, yeah, we do. Everything you telling us not to do, that’s exactly what your dream girl got us up here doing. And now we probably all getting fucked up because of it. :'''Kathy''': Bobby. :'''Bob''': What? Am I lying? No, I’m not. It’s the truth. :'''Chris''': Fine. I’ll just go myself. :'''Bob''': Oh, whatever, Chris. When are you getting it through your thick-ass skull, huh? Kissing that ass ain’t gonna get you that ass, playboy. It’ll more than likely get you killed, and ain’t nobody, ''[to Kathy]'' except for you, baby, ''[to Chris]'' worth none of this bullshit you got us up here doing. So you know what? I’m out this bitch. ''[to Kathy]'' Baby, let’s go. :''[Chris attacks Bob. They fight]'' :'''Aaron''': No, Chris! Chris! :'''Bob''': Oh, shit! :''[Chris screams as the roof caves in. He and Bob fall through the roof into the ball pit]'' :'''Kathy''': Bobby! :''[All scream as the roof caves in. They fall through the roof into the ball pit. Chris groans]'' :'''Bob''': God damn! :'''Chris''': Everybody okay? :'''Aaron''': Yeah. :'''Chris''': Nice of you guys to join us. :'''Liv''': ''[enters the dining area]'' Wait, what are you guys doing here? :'''Chris''': Oh, my God. Liv, you’re alive. :'''Liv''': I thought we all agreed you were supposed to stay outside and help us find a way out. :'''Chris''': Yeah, uh… :'''Liv''': Now, how the hell are we supposed to get out of here? :'''Chris''': I tried to keep ’em on the roof, but they wouldn’t listen. :'''Bob''': It’s your fault we were on the roof. :'''Chris''': It’s my fault? :'''Bob''': It was your fault. :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[singing with other animatronics]'' We’re all friends. We like to play. :'''Liv''': Guys, guys, it’s happening. It’s happening now. ''[walking up to Siren Sara]'' Oh, that’s the nasty bitch that tried to kill me. :'''Chris''': Liv. :''[Liv attempts stab Siren Sara in the face with her pocket knife, but the Janitor grabs her]'' :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[singing with other animatronics]'' Play, play, play every night and day. :'''Liv''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? :'''Chris''': Hey, what the hell, man? :'''Liv''': What are you… dude! :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[singing with other animatronics]'' We’re all Friends. We like to sing. :'''Chris''': Put her down, okay? :''[The Janitor releases her]'' :'''Liv''': I’m trying to help you, you dumbass! Seriously? I’m trying to help him understand that he’s gonna die in here, but he won’t listen to me. :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[singing with other animatronics]'' Sing, sing, sing. It’s a wonderful thing! :'''Aaron''': Wait a second. Wasn’t there eight of them? :''[Everyone turns to the six remaining animatronics]'' :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[singing with other animatronics]'' We’re all friends. We like to run. :'''Aaron''': Oh, that’s badass. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liv''': I know the bullshit story they told you. That if you clean up the place tonight, they’ll pay to have your tires fixed by morning, right? It’s a lie. They’ve said the same story to countless other over the last 20 years. They baited you. You’re here to be a human sacrifice. You’re here to be eaten and killed. Do you understand that? This town has a dark history. And it all starts with this horrible place. You know, Willy’s may seem like a happy-go-lucky child’s play place, but it’s much, much more than that. Willy’s was built in 1996, the brainchild of Jerry Robert Willis. If that name sounds familiar to you, it should. Jerry was one of the last century’s most sick and sadistic serial killers. Jerry spent most of the time cultivating similar sickos. I mean, these were the most depraved people you could ever imagine. Often, Jerry and his crew would whisk away unsuspecting families to the Super Happy Fun Room. Once inside, the families would be treated to a birthday cake and a private show by Willy Weasel. The shows would always end the same way. ''[Willis, in the Willy costume, stalks behind the birthday boy. He slashes his claws at the boy and kidnaps the boy's sister while their parents flee]'' After numerous missing persons reports and suspicious smells coming from the inside of Willy’s, the law felt it was time to investigate. ''[Sirens wail outside the restaurant]'' Jerry and his gang refused to be taken alive. After the police finally entered the Super Happy Fun Room, they discovered that Jerry and his crew had performed a satanic suicide ritual. Instead of surrendering, the killers decided to take their own lives. Those familiar with satanic rituals speculate that the suicide ritual was some sort of a [[w:Vulcan (Star Trek)#Katra|Katra]] transfer of energy where the memory and consciousness of the living relocate into non-living entities. In this case, the animatronic robots. Ten years later, Willy’s reopens with a new owner, Tex Macadoo. He tries to keep the current public unaware of its horrific past. Things are wrong from the start. ''[A little girl hugs Gus Gorilla. Gus Gorilla grabs her]'' There’s reports that the creatures would move on their own. ''[A fat little boy is about to touch Siren Sara's breasts]'' Some would say things they weren’t programmed to say. :'''Siren Sara''': ''[giggles]'' You really wanna fuck, fatty? :''[the fat little boy gasps]'' :'''Liv''': ''[as Willy Weasel bites a little boy in the right shoulder]'' And others would kill and feast on customers. ''[The little boy cries]'' After several ghastly incidents, Willy’s closes its doors again. But Tex still doesn’t bulldoze it to the ground. Why, you may ask? :'''Aaron''': Because Willy got to him. :'''Dan''': Convinced him to make a deal with the devil. Along with all those other backwoods inbreds in this sorry town. :'''Chris''': Speaking of backwoods inbreds, where’d Bob and Kathy go? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liv''': ''[to the Janitor]'' Have you been listening to a word I’ve been saying? :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[offscreen]'' Look at all these naughty birthday boys and birthday girls. :'''Aaron''': Oh, shit. :''[Liv Hawthorne and her friends run out into the dining area]'' :'''Willy Weasel''': I think it’s time for them to go nightie night. ''[singing with other animatronics]'' It’s your birthday and we want you to have fun. ''[their voices distort]'' It’s your birthday, so let’s kill everyone... ''[singing]'' Six little chickens at the end of the line. Six Little Chickens at the end of the line. One happy weasel says, "It's dinnertime!" Six little chickens gonna be just fine! Six little chickens in the weasel's den. Four little Roosters & A Couple of Hens. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Six Little Chickens at the END of the line! Six Little Chickеns. ''[speaking]'' Watch Out Now! ''[singing]'' Six little chickens ''[speaking]'' Herе comes the weasel! ''[singing]'' Six little chickens runnin' outta time WHOOPS!... Five little chickens at the END of the line! :''[Knighty Knight stabs Aaron in the back from behind, impaling him. Aaron groans as his stomach bleeds]'' :'''Chris''': ''[offscreen]'' Shit! :'''Dan''': What the… holy fuck! ''[grunts, slipping on Aaron's blood. Aaron falls flat on his back]'' :'''Liv''': ''[pushing Knighty Knight away]'' Go. Leave. Leave! ''[to Chris]'' Chris, go. ''[Liv's friends flee. Aaron breathes heavily]'' I’m sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The line rings. The phone rings. Sheriff Eloise Lund picks up the phone]'' :'''Sheriff Lund''': Hayesville Sheriff’s Office. :'''Chris''': ''[on the phone]'' Sheriff? :'''Sheriff Lund''': This is Sheriff Lund. :'''Chris''': It’s Chris Muley. :'''Sheriff Lund''': What can I do you for, Chris? :'''Chris''': Christ, I did something stupid. We’re at Willy’s. :'''Sheriff Lund''': ''[hangs up; to Olson]'' Prank call. :''[The phone rings]'' :'''Deputy Olson''': You want me to get that? :'''Sheriff Lund''': People made their beds, they gotta lie in ’em. :'''Deputy Olson''': Pretty sure the saying is, “Protect and Serve,” Sheriff. :'''Sheriff Lund''': Shut your mouth, smart guy. You’re not funny. :''[The phone beeps]'' :'''Chris''': ''[after the beep]'' Liv brought us here. :'''SheriffLund''': Son of a bitch. ''[on the phone]'' Get your asses out of there, son. ''[to Deputy Olson, grabbing a couple of shotguns]'' Put your balls on, Evan. ''[throwing Deputy Olson a gun]'' We're going to Willy's! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy spots Arty Alligator watching her and Bob have sex]'' :'''Kathy''': ''[gasps]'' Bobby, that thing just moved! :'''Bob''': Where the fuck did it go? :''[Arty Alligator roars, charging forward at Bob, biting his arm off. Bob screams, hitting Arty Alligator in the snout]'' :'''Kathy''': No! No! :''[Bob screams as Arty Alligator brutally bites into his body Kathy screams and runs to the door, attempting to escape but the door is closed. Arty Alligator roars and snarls as Kathy and Bob scream and sob]'' :''[In the hallway]'' :'''Liv''': ''[to the Janitor]'' I really need you to help me find my friends. Please. ''[Kathy screams offscreen]'' Oh, my God. Kathy! Oh, my God. ''[The Janitor kicks down the door. Arty Alligator is feasting on Bob's corpse. He turns to the Janitor. He runs at him. The Janitor grabs Arty Alligator and flips him, slamming him down onto the floor. He beats him down, repeatedly hitting him, grunting, and tears his jaws apart. He rips his tongue out. He breathes heavily. He leaves The Super Happy Fun Room. Liv looks at Bob and Kathy's corpses]'' I’m so sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cammy Chameleon''': ''[The arcade games all turn on]'' Hello, little boy. You don’t have to be afraid of me. I’m not the same as the others. They’re so mean to me. They call me ugly and they make fun of my colorful skin. I’m trapped in this body. I just want to be free. I guess I don’t expect you to believe me. I hoped that you were different. :'''Chris''': I’m Chris. :'''Cammy Chameleon''': Trust me, Chris. You know you can. You can feel my goodness. :'''Chris''': If what you’re saying is true, and you’re not like the others… I could help you get to the next life? :'''Cammy Chameleon''': It’s true. Evil has kept me here. You must have questions. I can tell you so much about the other side. I can answer all your questions. If you can help me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Lund''': You ever use your sidearm? :'''Deputy Olson''': Oh. In training. But these are just punk kids, right? What, vandalizing and loitering? I doubt we’ll need to drop ’em. :'''Sheriff Lund''': It’s not the kids. It’s Willy. :'''Deputy Olson''': The dancing rat? ''[laughs]'' Okay. I get it. I get it. The boys told you to pull a fast one on me. Bravo. Nice try. :'''Sheriff Lund''': It ain’t no prank. This is real as it gets. I guaran-damn-tee you that. See, in town, we knew what was happening at Willy’s. We knew there was something supernatural going on. We bellowed to the high heavens that the machines were evil. No one believed us. They thought we were yokels. Tex eventually hired a demolition crew to destroy Willy’s, except the day before bulldozers were set to roll, Eric Miller, the contractor, was found in bed as chewed up as a [[w:McDonald’s|McDonald’s]] hamburger. His whole family too. After that, there wasn’t a man alive that would take the job. The town decided that maybe it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. We told everybody just to stay away from there. We figured we’d just let it rot. But rabid dogs don’t sleep when they’re hungry. The machines got out. We found bodies at the ice cream shop, the hardware store, and even the school. We had a real [[w:Hobson’s choice|Hobson’s choice]] on our hands. You know what that is? :'''Deputy Olson''': No. :'''Sheriff Lund''': No choice at all. We could either go to war with the machines, come off like crazy people, probably lose a lot of good folk along the way, or… :'''Deputy Olson''': Or what? :'''Sheriff Lund''': We cut a deal. ''[flashback, to the animatronics]'' Leave our people be. Leave our children be. Leave our town be, and… and we will feed you. :''[flashback, Jed picks up the Hawthornes]'' :'''Jed''': Well, the good news is, I can fix it. The bad news is, it’s gonna have to sit 'til I get the part. Now, Hayesville’s one hotel’s booked. But I do have a place you can stay tonight. Now, it ain’t the Ritz, but it’s a roof and it’s free if you’re willing to do a little light cleaning. :'''Tex''': ''[to the Hawthornes]'' Best place for a birthday party you’ve ever seen. ''[to bikers]'' Heck, it once was, but we’re gonna fix it. ''[to a Hippie couple]'' Bring her back to life. Congratulations. You... are... officially... on staff. :'''Sheriff Lund''': We lived up to our end of the bargain and they kept theirs. We tried to find people who wouldn’t be missed. ''[flashback, Knighty Knight decapitates the homeless man]'' People with low moral character. ''[flashback, Cammy Chameleon wraps her tongue around the Hippie couple]'' And some people who were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. ''[flashback, the Hawthornes scream]'' Things didn’t always go exactly as planned. I usually pride myself on being able to expect the unexpected. ''[In the flashback, Sheriff Lund and Tex find little Liv in the janitor's closet, crying]'' But sometimes, life throws you a zinger. Well, this was the zinger of all zingers. ''[flashback, to little Liv]'' Good night, darling. Sweet dreams. ''[present]'' I never saw it coming. :'''Deputy Olson''': So, that’s why we’re going? :'''Sheriff Lund''': Liv. Much as she pisses me off, I couldn’t live with losing that girl. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cammy Chameleon''': I can show you what’s on the other side. If you could help me get there. :'''Liv''': Oh, Chris. :'''Chris''': Liv, Liv, it’s gonna be okay. Kay, we’re gonna make a deal and… ''[He grunts as Cammy Chameleon wraps her tongue around his neck, snapping it. He falls to the floor, dead. Liv gasps]'' :'''Cammy Chameleon''': Wanna play, bitch? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Lund''': ''[to Deputy Olson, holding the Janitor at gunpoint]'' Get that stuff off of her. ''[to Willy Weasel, apologetically, as Deputy Evan Olson puts the cable in the janitor's closet]'' Willy, I’m so sorry about this prick. :'''Liv''': Eloise, please, stop. He’s a good guy. :'''Sheriff Lund''': ''[to Liv]'' Shut your yap and get outside. :'''Deputy Olson''': They killed some of ’em. :'''Sheriff Lund''': Oh. Stupid idiots. It’ll just incite him more. ''[to Willy Weasel, apologetically]'' Willy, this guy does not act for us. His actions should in no way reflect on the town of Hayesville. You know that, right, Willy? ''[to Deputy Olson, holding the Janitor at gunpoint]'' Well, cuff him. For God’s sakes, cuff him. :'''Deputy Olson''': No way. I’m not leaving him here. :'''Sheriff Lund''': I’ll give you two reasons why you are: your wife and your kid. If we don’t do what needs to be done, nobody in this county is safe. ''[to the Janitor, as Deputy Olson cuffs his hands together]'' Why couldn’t you just die? ''[to Liv]'' Where are the others? :'''Liv ''': They’re dead. :'''Sheriff Eloise Lund''': Stupid kids. ''[to Deputy Olson]'' Do you see? Okay, time to go. Go. :'''Liv''': No. Uh-uh. I’m not leaving without him. :'''Sheriff Lund''': I’m not giving you a choice. Go. :'''Liv''': I’m not leaving without him. :'''Sheriff Lund''': Get out of here. :'''Liv''': ''[to Sheriff Lund]'' You don’t understand. You’ve locked the wrong guy up in here. [[Watchmen (film)|He's not trapped in there with them. They're trapped in here with him]]. :'''Sheriff Lund''': ''[to Liv]'' Not for much longer. ''[to the Janitor]'' I’m sorry, son. :''[The door creaks as they leave]'' :'''Liv ''': ''[to Sheriff Lund]'' Is that what you did to my parents? You’re a monster. :'''Deputy Olson''': What do we do now? :'''Sheriff Lund''': Well, I’m gonna wait here until this problem solves itself. You drop her off in a cell, come back, and get me. Should be done by then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liv''': You can’t arrest me. :'''Deputy Olson''': Can and will. Breaking and entering, destruction of property, and I’m pretty sure that was a dead body on the floor. :'''Liv''': What’s worse, the dead body you saw, or the guy that you left to die? Are you ready to be a murderer? Because that’s exactly what you’re gonna be. You’re gonna be a cold-blooded… :''[The tires squeal as Deputy Olson stops the police car]'' :'''Deputy Olson''': Shut up! I ain’t no murderer. :'''Liv''': Then what are you? You’re complicit. You’re just another cult member recruited by the sheriff to do all of her dirty work. :'''Deputy Olson''': I ain’t no cult member and I ain’t no murderer. And how ’bout you, huh? Living with the sheriff all these years, all this going on, what have you done? :'''Liv''': You don’t know what it’s like living with her. My entire life, it’s like I’ve been a ghost. And no matter what I do, it doesn’t change who she is. So I thought maybe I could do something right and burn this f@%#$g place down. So I am doing something. What about you? Hmm? You just gonna sit there and watch all of this happen and not do anything about it? :'''Deputy Olson''': I’m gonna set things right. That’s what I’m goddamn gonna do. You’ll see. :''[Tito Turtle attacks from the roof of the police car]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Lund''': ''[watching as the Janitor puts the bagged animatronics in the dumpster]'' That G.D. S.O.B. ''[the Janitor waves at her]'' Well, I’ll be a son of a bitch. ''[to the Janitor, at gunpoint]'' Hold it right there, boy. Inside, now! ''[marches The Janitor into Willy's Wonderland]'' Move! We had a good thing, but you just went and f@%#$d it all up. Look at me. Look at me when I’m talking to you. All you had to do was die. Was that so hard? No, you just had to go ahead and stay alive, and now we got five dead kids because of you! You might have taken apart a few electronics, but I got a feeling that you can’t stop a round. ''[to Willy Weasel]'' Willy! ''[to the Janitor]'' Willy needs to eat, and I’m gonna feed him. ''[to Willy Weasel]'' Willy, come and get it! :''[The lights go out. Willy Weasel appears behind Lund and slices her in half. Willy Weasel grabs the Janitor and tosses him to the "It's Birthday Time!" alarm, which goes off. Confetti falls all over the place]'' :'''Willy Weasel''': Hey, kids, do you know what time it is? ''[distorting]'' It’s birthday time. ''[singing with other animatronics, as he brutally slashes around the Janitor into the chest]'' It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. It's your birthday, and we want you to have fun. It's your birthday, so let's party everyone. ''[speaking, distorted, throwing him into the ball pit]'' Okay now, kids. Clap your hands like there's no tomorrow. ''[singing with other animatronics]'' We welcome you to Willy's, where everyone's your friend.''[speaking, distorted]'' That's right. ''[singing with other animatronics, distorted, walking away]'' Here at Willy's Wonderland, the good times never end. Birthday fun for everyone, how old are you today? Everyone at Willy’s is hoping you will stay... ''[speaking with other animatronics]'' Forever. ''[singing with other animatronics, distorted, as the Janitor climbs out of the ball pit]'' It's birthday time, it's birthday time, it's birthday time. Let's cheer at Willy's Wonderland! ''[speaking, distorted, as the Janitor goes to the kitchen to tape two mop sticks together and put his Punch energy drinks into a bag]'' Proudly serving families since 1984. :''[The Janitor goes back to the dining area, roaring. The two fight, the Janitor pummeling Willy's head before tearing it off. He holds it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tex''': I gotta tell you, my hat’s off. That is one tough hombre. ''[chuckles. Both he and Jed laugh]'' :'''Jed''': ''[coughs]'' Whoo! Well, it’s over. :'''Tex''': Yeah. :'''Jed''': Oh, my God, it’s actually over! :'''Tex''': Hell, yeah, it is, boy. Hell, yeah, it is. Hey, come on. I’m gonna give you a ride. We gonna celebrate. I’m buying. :'''Jed''': Sounds good. :'''Tex''': It’s our lucky day. ''[Both he and Jed laugh]'' Oh, man. Hey, with the machines gone, I just might actually reopen it. :'''Jed''': You gonna need a gimmick. :'''Tex''': And a name. Maybe Tex’s Turf. :'''Jed Love''': That could sing. Maybe get you a mechanical bull. :'''Tex''': Yeah. :'''Jed''': Draw the customers in. :'''Tex''': Yeah, yeah, I just… I just might. ''[They see Siren Sara in the rear view mirror]'' Oh, f@%k me. :'''Siren Sara''': ''[leaning on the back of the car]'' Thanks for visiting Willy's Wonderland! Hope you had a fantabulous time! ''[lights the car, causing a massive explosion, which kills Tex and Jed as well as her, flinging her off. Willy's Wonderland also gets blown up]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :''[Tito Turtle is walking down the road]'' :'''Tito Turtle''': ''[in a Spanish accent]'' ''Oh, mierda.'' ("Oh, shit.") :''[He gets rammed by the Janitor's Camaro, which decapitates him, killing him. Iris-out on his disembodied head]'' :'''Willy Weasel''': ''[At the end of the movie, popping out of a gray screen as a cartoon version of himself, to the audience]'' And remember, friends, the party never ends! ''[offscreen, singing with other animatronics]'' At Willy's Wonderland! ==Taglines== * 2020 isn't over yet kids! * Their idea of fun is killer! * Let playtime begin * The Fun Begins This Winter ==Cast== ===Human cast=== * [[w:Nicolas Cage|Nicolas Cage]] as The Janitor * [[w:Emily Tosta|Emily Tosta]] as Liv Hawthorne * [[w:Beth Grant|Beth Grant]] as Sheriff Eloise Lund * [[w:David Sheftell|David Sheftell]] as Deputy Evan Olson * [[w:Ric Reitz|Ric Reitz]] as Tex Macadoo * Chris Warner as Jed Love * Kai Kadlec as Chris Muley * Caylee Cowan as Kathy Barnes * Terayle Hill as Bob McDaniel * Christian Del Grosso as Aaron Powers * Jonathan Mercedes as Dan Lorraine * [[w:Grant Cramer|Grant Cramer]] as Jerry Robert Willis === Animatronic characters=== * [[w:Émoi|Émoi]] as Willy Weasel ** Performed by [[w:Jiri Stanek|Jiri Stanek]] * [[w:Jessica Graves|Jessica Graves]] as Siren Sara ** Performed by Jessica Graves * [[w:Madisun Leigh|Madisun Leigh]] as Cammy Chameleon ** Performed by [[w:Taylor Towery|Taylor Towery]] * [[w:Abel Arias|Abel Arias]] as Ozzie Ostrich and Tito Turtle ** Performed by [[w:B. J. Guyer|B. J. Guyer]] (Ozzie Ostrich) ** Performed by [[w:Chris Schmidt Jr.|Chris Schmidt Jr.]] (Tito Turtle) * [[w:Mark Gagliardias|Mark Gagliardias]] as Gus Gorilla ** Performed by [[w:Billy Bussey|Billy Bussey]] * Arty Alligator (Unvoiced) ** Performed by [[w:Christopher Bradley (actor)|Christopher Bradley]] * Knighty Knight (Unvoiced) ** Performed by [[w:Duke Jackson|Duke Jackson]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|8114980|Willy's Wonderland}} * {{Amg movie|726111}} [[Category:2021 films]] [[Category:2020s American films]] [[Category:Black comedy films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Action comedy films]] [[Category:Films about serial killers]] [[Category:Films about robots]] svhqyqx844qxywuj6iv5545qxeqcmny 0 245605 3944526 3944015 2026-05-23T16:57:41Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944526 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:3-2-1 Penguins!|3-2-1 Penguins!]]''''' (2000-2003, 2006-2008) is an American [[sci-fi]]/fantasy/adventure/comedy/space opera 3D animated Christian preschool educational series that follows the two 6-year old twin siblings, Jason Conrad and his little twin sister, Michelle, who are spending the summer with their grandmother at their grandparent's cottage in the The Poconos region of Pennsylvania. They're also pulled into a rocket ship of a troop of four penguins as they're taken on a galactic adventure. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5. ==Season 1 (2000-2003)== ===''Trouble on Planet Wait-Your-Turn''=== :''[First lines; The Conrad family are driving in the Poconos region of Pennsylvania to drop off their kids, Jason and Michelle, at Grandmum's cottage for the summer]'' :'''Jason''': ''[as Michelle's doll's shoe hits him on the side of his head on purpose; getting very angry]'' Mommy!!! she did that again!!! :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Michelle, come on, we're almost there. Apologize to your big brother. :'''Michelle''': I'm sorry, Jason. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': I hope you two don't act this way while you're at Grandmum's. :'''Michelle''': ''[excited]'' Yay, Grandmum's cottage! :'''Jason''': Yay, Grandmum's cottage. You know, Trevor's at Space Camp right now. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Jason, you'll get to go to Space Camp ''after'' Grandmum's cottage. You're just going to need to be patient. :'''Michelle''': I just love Grandmum's cottage! Are we almost there? :'''Mr. Conrad''': You should know where we are, cupcake, unless you aren't wearing your glasses again. ''[the car pulls up in front of the cottage]'' Hey, hey, hey! We're here! :'''Grandmum''': ''[walks out of the door and to the car; excitedly]'' Hello, sweeties! How's my two favorite twin pumpkins? :'''Michelle''': ''[in unison]'' Hi, Grandma. :'''Jason''': ''[in unison]'' Hi, Grandma. :'''Grandmum''': Oh, that's ''Grandmum'' to you, you little bugs! :'''Mr. Conrad''': Oh, you kids are gonna like it here. Your grandpa finished this place when I was about your age. :'''Grandmum''': That's right. Built the whole place himself, he did. Quite a man, your grandpop. ''[gets a hug from Michelle]'' Oh! Goodness, now, which one are you, then? :'''Michelle''': We're not identical twins, Grandmum. :'''Jason''': Thank goodness. :'''Michelle''': Just remember, I'm the sweetest one. :'''Jason''': And I'm the one who's supposed to be at Space Camp. ''[gets out of the car]'' :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Okay, that's everything. I'm afraid we have to run or we'll miss our flight. :'''Mr. Conrad''': Thanks for watching the kids, Mom. Jason and Michelle, we'll call you when we get there. :'''Grandmum''': Have a good trip. And don't you worry about these two, they'll be just fine here. No better place for kids, you know. :'''Mr. Conrad''': That's right. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Bye-bye, sweethearts, we love you! Be good for your grandmum. :'''Mr. Conrad''': And have fun! :'''Grandmum''': Come on, pumpkins! You can give me a hand with supper. :'''Michelle''': Goodbye! :'''Mr. & Mrs. Conrad''': Bye. :'''Jason''': Bye. :''[The car starts pulling away but comes back after a few seconds]'' :'''Mr. Conrad''': Jason, your mom and I know you'd rather be at Space Camp right now, so we got you and Michelle something that might make the time go faster. Now, be sure you take turns with your sister. We'll call you for tonight, bud. <hr width="50%"> :''[While Jason plays with the Rockhopper and Michelle looks through a telescope in the attic, the ship magically comes to life and Jason meets the penguin troops for the first time]'' :'''Zidgel''': Jason T. Conrad. We need your help! :'''Jason''': You're, you're alive! :'''Midgel''': Of course we are, kid. It's much easier to do our jobs that way. :'''Zidgel''': Get in here, Jason. The galaxy waits for no man! :'''Jason''': What? I can't. I'm too big. :'''Zidgel''': Ah, too big, too big. When I was your size, I was ''twice'' your size. ''[to Fidgel]'' Dr. Fidgel, galeezle him. :'''Fidgel''': Yes, right away. ''[fires the galeezle and a big claw comes out of the ship, grabbing Jason]'' :'''Jason''': Hey! ''[gets reeled into the ship]'' I… I… I can't believe you guys are alive. :'''Zidgel''': Of course we are. :'''Midgel''': Either that or you're daydreaming. :'''Fidgel''': That's true. Sensors indicate that he ''could'' be daydreaming. :'''Midgel''': But no time for small talk now, we've got work to do. :'''Jason''': What about my sister? Is she coming? :'''Zidgel''': Don't worry, she'll get her chance. But right now, ''you're'' the one that we need. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zigel''': Okay, boys, I think it's time we briefed our new cadet. Now, listen up. I am Captain Zidgel. This is my ship. Over here, we have Dr. Fidgel. :'''Fidgel''': How do you do? :'''Zidgel''': This is the ship's pilot and engineer, First Officer Midgel. And, um, ''[clears throat]'' that's, uh, Kevin. :'''Kevin''': ''[vacuuming]'' Pleasure. :'''Jason''': What does he do? :''[Kevin gets his head sucked into the hose]'' :'''Zidgel''': Mostly, he just does that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': Penguins, we have to get out of here! The cutting-in-line bug is infecting us too! :'''Midgel''': Nonsense! But if it is, it infected me first. :'''Fidgel''': No, I was first. :'''Kevin''': Me! Me! :'''Zidgel''': You're all being ridiculous! I wanted to cut in front of you hours ago. :'''Jason''': People! Don't you understand what happens when you get too close to the sun?! You'll '''''burn up!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': We're all gonna die if we keep this up! :'''Midgel''': He could be right! :'''Zidgel''': Or it could be a clever scam so that he could go first! :'''Jason''': Wait! Listen to me! We need to learn to wait our turns. To let someone else go first now and then. It's called patience. It's a virtue. :'''Zidgel''': I couldn't agree more! That's why you should wait your turn! :'''Jason''': No, no. Oh, what was that verse? Um, "A patient man has great understanding, but a quick tempered man displays folly." :'''Vacuum Cleaner''': ''[confused]'' What's folly? :'''Jason''': Foolishness. Trouble. Having to go first all the time only leads to trouble, like getting burned up by the sun! Now, the consequences are not always so extreme, but good things come to those who wait. :'''Zidgel''': So, what do we do? :'''Jason''': ''[gets an idea; politely]'' After you. ===''The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka''=== :'''Grandmum''': ''[teaching Michelle the importance of cheating]'' You know what the Good Book says about cheating, don't you? "The Lord hates cheating scales, but accurate weights are his delight." <hr width="50%"> :''[Michelle meets the penguin troops for the first time as the Rockhopper comes to life]'' :'''Zidgel''': Michelle Francis Conrad. :'''Michelle''': ''[calling for Jason, thinking it's for him]'' Uh, Jason? It's for you. :'''Zidgel''': Not so fast! ''You're'' the one we need, this time. :'''Michelle''': Jason's right. You guys ''are'' alive. :'''Midgel''': Either that or you're daydreaming. :'''Kevin''': Whoa, déjà vu. :'''Zidgel''': Dr. Fidgel, galeezle her. :'''Fidgel''': Right away, captain. :'''Midgel''': Hang on. :''[Fidgel fires the galeezle and the claw pops out of the ship, grabbing Michelle]'' :'''Michelle''': Wait! :'''Fidgel''': ''[reels her in aboard the ship]'' Amazing, an exact duplicate of your brother, only with pigtails! :'''Michelle''': We're, we're not identical twins, we're just the same age. ===''The Amazing Carnival of Complaining''=== :'''Michelle''': What's the matter, Jason? Are you bored? ''[Jason growls in annoyance]'' Too bad the video game's busted, huh? :'''Jason''': As a matter of fact, it is too bad, because I'm bored out of my brain! There's absolutely ''nothing'' to do up here! Why can't I be having fun at Space Camp like Trevor instead of eating weird grapes and thumb wrestling myself because the only other possible thing to do is plant pumpkins or stare at the wall?! Oh, that gives me an idea, I think I'll ''stare'' at the wall! :'''Michelle''': Touché. :'''Grandmum''': Heavens above! That's no way to look at things, is it? You do know what it says about complaining in the Bible, don't you? "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure. Children of God without fault in this crooked world in which you shine like stars in the universe." You know, Jason, if you can't control your complaining, it'll spread to everyone around you, and you'll be a seed of discontent. So, which will it be, a grumpy seed, or a shining star? We will be outside if you change your mind. Come along, Michelle. ''[she and her granddaughter head outside the garden]'' :'''Jason''': Why would anyone want grapes with seeds? ===''Runaway Pride at Lightstation Kilowatt''=== ===''The Doom Funnel Rescue!''=== :''[A mail truck drops off some mail at Grandmum's cottage and drives away]'' :'''Jason & Michelle''': ''[run out the front door]'' Mail! :'''Jason''': Race ya. :'''Michelle''': Well… okay! ''[runs to the mailbox]'' :'''Jason''': Hey, no fair! Michelle, come on! :'''Michelle''': ''[opens the mailbox]'' What's the matter? It's just the mail. :'''Jason''': Come on, I'm desperate! If I don't hear something from the outside world soon, I'm gonna crack! :'''Michelle''': Well…let's just see what the postman's brought. Could this be for you? Oh, no, I guess not. But ooh! Here's an exciting opportunity to refund your home at today's low rate. :'''Jason''': Michelle… :'''Michelle''': You know, it's never too early to start planning for your retirement. :'''Jason''': That does it. Prepare to--rarrr! ''[starts chasing her around]'' :'''Michelle''': Hey, Jason! :'''Jason''': Come on, hand it over! :'''Michelle''': Cut it out! :'''Jason''': It's no use resisting. :'''Grandmum''': Goodness, muffins, what's all this? :'''Jason''': Michelle won't let me see the mail. :'''Grandmum''': Now, now, Michelle, what is it the Good Book says? Oh, yes! "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." I suppose that goes for the mail as well. :'''Michelle''': I was gonna give it to him eventually. :'''Grandmum''': Let's see, bills, bills, some lovely coupons, a card for Michelle, oh! And here's a nice letter for Jason. :'''Jason''': For me? Hey, it's from Trevor! ''[takes out a photo of Trevor on the anti-gravity simulator]'' Look, here's a picture of him on the anti-gravity simulator. :'''Michelle''': Personally, I never understood why a bunch of kids would wait in line just to get nauseous. :'''Grandmum''': Well, come along, bugs. We'll all read our mail over some delicious prune trifle. :'''Jason''': Yeah, here we can get nauseous without the weight. <hr width="50%"> :''[Jason lays on the couch reading Trevor's letter to him]'' :'''Trevor''': ''[voice-over] And being weightless was very neat. Friday, we learned all about space storms. Rocket science is a real blast. Get it? Ha, ha. Hey, remember that day we went to Astroland and rode on the Twister 28 times in a row? Nobody can take centrifugal force like you and me, right? I really wish you were here. Stuff's always more fun when you're around. Well, I gotta go meet John Glenn. Write soon, and tell me all the exciting things you've been doing. Your pal, Trevor.'' :'''Michelle''': Grandmum, the sink's leaking again! :'''Grandmum''': Well, we'll fix it up in a jiffy. Just need to find my supply of duct tape. ''[enters the living room, holding a roll of duct tape]'' Nice of Trevor to write you, wasn't it? I'm sure he misses you a lot. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I can tell. :'''Grandmum''': You should write him back right away. I'll bet he'd love hearing from you. You can tell him all about what you've been doing. :'''Michelle''': ''[coming down the stairs]'' Good idea! There was that one paperclip chain you made, and helping Grandmum put on her hair net, and that awful morning we, uh, ran out of toast. :'''Grandmum''': Woah, don't like to think about that too much. :'''Jason''': ''[sits up and gets off the couch]'' Well, I'm sure Trevor is having too much fun to bother reading any letter from me. :'''Grandmum''': You know, love, he might be a little homesick. Hearing from you could be just what the doctor ordered. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I think I'll just go upstairs. :'''Grandmum''': I'm sure you'll do the right thing, dear. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[holding up the Rockhopper with Preston in it]'' All systems are go for Captain Preston of the Space Mouse Patrol! As the mighty ship prepares to launch! Three, two… ''[Preston jumps out of the ship]'' Preston! ''[tries to catch him, but trips and falls on the floor]'' :''[Preston lands on top of the ship as it soars to life]'' :'''Zidgel''': 40 foot rodent! ''[Midgel presses a button, opening the dome and catapulting Preston off the ship; calling out to Jason while he tries to look for Preston]'' Cadet Jason T. Conrad, report for duty immediately! :'''Jason''': Huh? Oh, sure. Just give me a minute. I gotta find Preston. :'''Zidgel''': No time (for that), cadet! We have an urgent mission in the Zembroid counstol? C-c-cancel? Calcul? Cornsep... whatever, it's that way. :'''Jason''': Okay, but could you wait? :'''Zidgel''': Dr. Fidgel, galeezle him. :''[Fidgel fires the galeezle and pulls Jason into the ship]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Zigel''': ''[showing a presentation of his baby pictures on the big screen]'' As you can see from these photos, I was strikingly handsome even as an infant. Now here's one with me on my mommy's lap. Oh, here I am looking adorable! And, ooh, there's my old high chair! :'''Jason''': Uh, captain, the mission? :'''Fidgel''': We are headed for Space Colony Doublewide. It's interstellar cyclonic doom funnel season there. And our cargo is their supply of emergency duct tape. :'''Jason''': Emergency duct tape? :'''Fidgel''': Yes, it's for lashing space colony modules together. Otherwise, they slip their moorings, and those fragile trailers bash each other in the high winds, until they're splintered into smithereens. If we don't get it there in time, the entire population is done for! <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': ''[checks the fuel gauge, noticing the ship's fuel is nearly empty]'' Empty. We're running on fumes. You told me you prepared everything for the mission! :'''Zidgel''': Of course! And here it is! Styling gel, mousse, conditioner. :'''Midgel''': But what about gas? You said you got gas. :'''Zidgel''': And I did! But I'm feeling much better now, thank you. :'''Midgel''': ''[snapping irately]'' I meant rocket fuel! :'''Zidgel''': Oh. :'''Jason''': Uh, guys, wouldn't it be a good idea to get some more fuel quick before we ''totally'' run out? <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': ''[after the Rockhopper arrives at the gas station that is two cents cheaper as it completely runs out of fuel]'' Whew. Down to the last drop. ''[looks back at the crew, all frightened]'' What? I told you we were gonna run out of gas. <hr width="50%"> :'''Kevin''': Uh, they were out of Chewy Chunky Glob of Fudge, so I got you an Icky Gooey Slab of Slop (instead). :'''Zidgel''': ''[disappointed]'' It's not the same. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[when Kevin pulls out a spherical robot from the paper bag]'' What's that? :'''Kevin''': Not sure, really, I got it free with my Prune Trifle burrito. :'''Jason''': ''[reading the name]'' "B-I-N-G, Beneficial Imprinting Neuralnet Gizmo." :'''Kevin''': B.I.N.G. :'''Jason''': Look, here's the button to start it. ''[presses a button on the back and a flashbulb pops out, flashing Kevin as he covers his eyes]'' Hey, you guys, check this out. :'''Fidgel''': Most interesting. I believe that B.I.N.G. has somehow imprinted on Kevin's behavior, like a newborn duckling does with the first creature it sees. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zidgel''': Looks like Kevin's got himself a new best friend. :'''Midgel''': Nothing like a best friend, I always say. I got three back home. How about you, Jason? :'''Jason''': ''[as B.I.N.G. sets him down]'' Uh, yeah, at least, I think I still do. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper pulls up beside Professor Wordsworth's trailer and he boards before the doom funnel nearly sucks it up]'' :'''Midgel''': I can't control the ship much longer! :'''Professor Wordsworth''': But we can't just leave! This is my home! What about my research? The colony? Our future survival depends on learning how to defend against the doom funnel! :'''Midgel''': Sorry, Professor, but that thing's nearly got a hold of us. We'll need to fight our way out! <hr width="50%"> :''[After saving the Space Colony Doublewide trailer park from the doom funnel, Kevin has no choice but to give B.I.N.G. to Professor Wordsworth]'' :'''Fidgel''': ''[amazed after B.I.N.G. imprints the professor's behavior]'' Fascinating! Now B.I.N.G. is imprinted on the professor. :'''Professor Wordsworth''': This is most kind of you, Kevin. We shall forever remember your act of goodness. Now then, B.I.N.G., shall we see what we can do to spruce things up a bit before everyone returns? :'''Kevin''': Goodbye, B.I.N.G. I won't forget you. :'''Zidgel''': Did I miss something? Seems to me we're down one robot in the deal. :'''Jason''': Kevin just realized that it was wrong to keep B.I.N.G. to himself when he had a chance to do good for the professor and the whole colony. "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[writing a letter to Trevor in return; voice-over] And just today, I found this really excellent mouse named Preston. Well, guess that's about it. Glad you're having a great summer, too. As someone I know once said, "Ain't nothing like a best friend." Oh, (and) in case you're a little homesick, here's something to help cheer you up. Maybe next year, we can try to break our record on that coaster. Signed, your best bud, Jason.'' :''[Later that night… Jason and Michelle are saying their prayers before going to bed]'' :'''Grandmum''': Nighty-night, cupcakes. Time to say your prayers. :'''Jason & Michelle''': Dear God… :'''Michelle''': Please bless Grandmum and keep my Mommy and Daddy safe on their trip. :'''Jason''': And thank you for teaching me the importance of doing good things for people whenever I have the chance. And please watch over Preston. He's a really great mouse. :'''Michelle''': Even if he did eat the bridal bouquet. :'''Jason & Michelle''': Amen. ===''Moon Menace on Planet Tell-a-Lie!''=== :'''Grandmum''': Like the Good Book says, "Lies will get any man into trouble, but honesty is its own defense." ==Season 2 (2007-2008)== ===''I Scream, You Scream!''=== :'''Sol''': Like the Good Book says, "Those who have knowledge use words with restraint, and those who are understanding are even tempered." Now that means the more you know, the less you get angry. And that's good. Anger just makes you lose control and he end up accusing others wrongly. :'''Jason''': He talks like Grandmum. <hr width="50%"> :'''Admiral Strap''': ''[on speaker] Penguins! Come in, penguins!'' :'''Zidgel''': Admiral Strap, sir! ''[salutes]'' :'''Michelle''': Uh, who's that? :'''Fidgel''': That's Admiral Strap. Our commander at Federation HQ. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper arrives at Grandmum's cottage in the attic, preparing to send Jason and Michelle back]'' :'''Zigel''': Well, until next time, cadets! :'''Midgel''': G'bye, mates! :'''Jason & Michelle''': Goodbye! :''[As Fidgel fires the galeezle, the claw pops out and falls on the floor, covered in gum]'' :'''Michelle''': Oh, no, what happened? :'''Jason''': What happened?! Can't you see? The thing's broken! :'''Michelle''': How? :'''Fidgel''': ''[examines the gum]'' Hmm… Corn syrup, soy lecithin, and titanium dioxide, if I'm not very much mistaken. A construct otherwise known as… :'''Jason''': Hubby chubby bubble gum! Oh, no! ''[angrily points to Michelle]'' It was ''you!'' You must have spit it out when the galeezle pulled us in! :'''Michelle''': I wasn't the only one with hubby chubby! You were chewing it too! :'''Jason''': I swallowed mine! :'''Michelle''': Well, I didn't do it! You must have done it! :'''Jason''': I didn't do it! ''You'' did! :'''Michelle''': No, ''you'' did! :'''Zidgel''': Ah, ah! Temper, temper. Here we go, accusing each other again! Remember what old Sol told us: not smart without all the facts. :'''Jason''': Well, the fact ''is'' we aren't going to be able to get back to Grandmum's and it's all Michelle's fault! :'''Michelle''': Can you fix it, Fidgel? :'''Fidgel''': Well, um…it's not…Well, I can try. :'''Jason''': "Try?!" Oh, no! We're going to stay this size? I'm only as big as my little finger! :'''Michelle''': Can you make it work again? :'''Fidgel''': ''[pulls out a small, burned out device covered in gum]'' This is what makes it work. The metric magnetic matter disperser. The only one in existence as far as I know! Without this, the galeezle is useless! I fear the bubble gum has burnt it out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': Jason, Michelle, would you like a sandwich? :'''Jason''': ''[disappointed about not getting back to Grandmum's cottage]'' No. I just want Grandmum's cocoa. :'''Michelle''': I thought you weren't talking to me. :'''Jason''': I ''wasn't'' talking to you, you galeezle breaker! :'''Michelle''': I didn't break it. ''You'' did! Your gum must've come out when you were screaming like a baby. :'''Jason''': ''[infuriated]'' Screaming like a baby?! :'''Michelle''': Yes, you always scream like a baby when galeezled into the ship! :'''Zidgel''': ''[enters the main room after taking a shower with his hair all droopy; angrily accusing Kevin]'' KEVIN! YOU'VE BEEN INTO MY SHAMPOO AGAIN! :'''Midgel''': Calm down, captain. :'''Zidgel''': Calm down? Calm down?! ''[to Kevin]'' Listen to me! "Ridiculous proportions shampoo" is shampoo! Do you hear me? ''Shampoo!'' But you always use it as a body wash! A ''body wash!'' Do you know how much ''body'' you have to wash?! :''[Kevin reacts with confusion]'' :'''Midgel''': Now, wait just a minute, captain. Didn't you say earlier that we shouldn't be too quick to accuse each other? ''[gasps in shock when he sees his Boomerangutan poster on the table; accusing Fidgel in outrage]'' Doc! Doc! What have you done to my poster?! :'''Fidgel''': I-I just needed something to protect the table. :'''Midgel''': ''[frustrated]'' Do you know how much this is worth?! It was from the last tour of the Boomerangutans! :'''Fidgel''': ''[retorting]'' Well, if you wouldn't leave your quarters in such a mess, how am I to know what's rare and what's rubbish? :''[Jason and Michelle cover their ears, trying to block out the arguing]'' :'''Jason''': Nice going, Michelle! :'''Michelle''': What?! Now you're blaming ''me'' for this?! :'''Jason''': We wouldn't even be here if you hadn't broken the galeezle! ===''The Green-eyed Monster''=== ===''Lazy Daze''=== :''[The Rockhopper pulls up at the Comet Lounge]'' :'''Zidgel''': Captain's blog, we're going on a picnic. :'''Michelle''': So, what are we doing here? :'''Midgel''': Had to stop off for some supplies, first. Soda pop, sandwiches, you know. :'''Fidgel''': ''[as they enter]'' Don't forget the chocolate bars and marshmallows! :'''Jason''': Oh, great! I love eating s'mores! :'''Fidgel''': Eating? Oh, no, I need them for a new fuel experiment. :'''Midgel''': Now don't take all day with your science project stuff, Doctor. We're here to get in, get supplies, and get out. No nonsense. :'''Fidgel''': I assure you, my experiments are not nonsense. :'''Midgel''': What about the time you tried to make glass invisible so you can see through it? :'''Fidgel''': Well, it worked, didn't it? <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': What's wrong with being lazy? :'''Sol''': Well, just think, if I didn't work around here, nobody would get served, dirty dishes would pile up. Pretty soon the whole place would stink! :'''Michelle''': Like Jason's room! :'''Sol''': ''[chuckles]'' Old Sol says, "The lazy person wants many things, but has nothing. But the person who is diligent and hardworking, truly has it all." You want to be diligent, right, kids? :'''Jason''': Actually, the picnic sounds more fun. :'''Sol''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sure it does. You just keep an eye on those ants, you hear? :'''Jason''': We will. Is it just me, or is he weird? <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': ''[opens the storage bay, but it's all piled up with junk]'' Oh, dear me. :'''Midgel''': What's got your knickers in a knot, doc? :'''Fidgel''': Well, I'm scheduled to run a diagnostic test on the Harryhausen ray, but it's in the back of this storage bay, and I can't get to it. :'''Midgel''': Harryhausen ray? What's that? :'''Fidgel''': Oh, it's simply a device that halts movement on a molecular level. :'''Midgel''': ''[not understanding]'' In the Queen's English, Fidge. :'''Fidgel''': Yes. It stops action, freezes things in time and space. :'''Midgel''': Classic. But it looks like you could use some help. :'''Fidgel''': Oh, why thank you. :'''Midgel''': If I see anyone available, I'll send 'em round. :'''Fidgel''': ''[enters Jason's room, finding him laying lazily on his bed]'' Hello, Jason. I hear you're looking to earn some extra money for sea chimps? :'''Jason''': Yeah! :'''Fidgel''': Well, the storage bay is in a bit of a mess. What say I hire you to clean it? :'''Jason''': Hire? You mean like a job? I'm kinda busy. Maybe later. Uh, doc? Turn the page for me. I can't reach. ===''More Is More''=== ===''Give and Let Give''=== :'''Jason''': ''[enters Michelle's room while following the smelling scent and spots a cupcake on the table, tries to eat it, but Michelle swipes it from him]'' Let me have a cupcake. I'll tell Grandmum you've learned your lesson when we get back. :'''Michelle''': No. ''I'' made them, I say who gets one. :'''Jason''': (Oh, I get it.) You won't give me one because you're still mad about play-ser tag. :'''Michelle''': Yeah, it was no fair. I was sick of being it. :'''Jason''': At least I shared with you. :'''Michelle''': You gave me the broken one. :'''Jason''': This one? It's a new invention. Fidgel even said it didn't work right. ''[turns on the device and a straight and spiral beam fires and goes around the room until it reaches him]'' :'''Michelle''': No thanks, that thing is a play-ser tag magnet. Wherever I hid in the room, that beam would find me. I was it the whole time! :'''Jason''': Fine, but it's not ''my'' fault it doesn't work. Keep your stale old cupcakes. ''[leaves the room in a huff]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': ''[as Kevin sticks his head in the sand]'' What do you think you're doing? :'''Kevin''': Looking for water. <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': Fidge, give me your spectrometer. :'''Fidgel''': What for? :'''Midgel''': I wanna try something. :'''Fidget''': No, you'll break it. :'''Midgel''': What? :'''Michelle''': Can't he borrow it for a moment? He might be able to get us free. :'''Fidgel''': No, he's ''never'' careful with my things. It's a delicate device. :'''Michelle''': But, doctor, what about Sol's cookie? What about sharing? :'''Fidgel''': Well, what do you want it for, anyway? :'''Midgel''': I need to get back to the ship to get a fix on the pump, so you can find it, override the signal, and turn it back on. :'''Michelle''': Please? This is no time to be stingy. :'''Fidgel''': ''[reluctantly]'' Don't get any sand in it. :'''Midgel''': Thank you. I'll head to the ship. You look around here, keep your communicator on. <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': Fidgel, come in! Do you read me? :'''Fidgel''': Well, it's about time. They've got the captain trussed up like a Christmas package. :'''Midgel''': That's not good, I mean, unless it actually was Christmas. ===''Practical Hoax''=== :'''Zidgel''': You're getting the seat wet, Michelle. :'''Michelle''': You can thank Jason (for that). :'''Zidgel''': Oh, thank you, Jason. ===''Comedy of Errors''=== ===''Compassion Crashin'''=== ===''Wiki Tiki''=== :'''Grandmum''': Michelle, is this the way I've taught you to rinse the dishes? :'''Michelle''': ''[sees the sink overflowing; alarmed]'' Oh, no! ''[quickly turns it off and places a towel on the wet floor]'' :'''Grandmum''': And, Jason, you didn't replace the plastic liner in this trash can. :'''Jason''': Sorry, Grandmum, I'll go get it right now. :'''Michelle''': I guess I was in too big a hurry. I'm sorry. :'''Grandmum''': Remember what the Good Book says, "Enthusiasm without knowledge is ''no'' good. Haste makes mistakes." :'''Jason''': Is that a real proverb? :'''Grandmum''': It jolly well is. Take the time to listen and do it right the first time. :'''Jason''': Like the trash liner. I'm on it. :'''Grandmum''': You'll just make a mess if you rush. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': Now where's that spaceship? It was right here! :'''Michelle''': Jason, you heard Grandmum. We got to put the clean sheets on our beds. :'''Jason''': I did. :'''Michelle''': ''[sternly]'' Jason. :'''Jason''': It's fine. I'll make the bed later. ''[Midgel galeezles both him and Michelle into the Rockhopper]'' Whoa, definitely later. :'''Michelle''': Hey, thanks, Midgel. Where is everybody? :'''Midgel''': Sorry, Michelle, no time for chit chat, we got to get going. ''[The kids are strapped to their seats and buckle up]'' The others are at the Comet Lounge making sure Sol doesn't run out of the afternoon special. :'''Jason and Michelle''': Sol's Aurora Borealis fruit punch! :'''Jason''': What are we waiting for?! :'''Jason, Michelle, and Midgel''': BONSAI! <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper arrives at the Comet Lounge and Jason, Michelle, and Midgel enter where the rest of the crew are already there]'' :'''Midgel''': Where's the Aurora Borealis punch? :'''Fidgel''': Sol hasn't lit the sign, yet. :'''Midgel''': Whew. I'd hate to miss the Aurora Borealis. Best fruit punch in the galaxy. :'''Fidgel''': Hey, I was in line first. :'''Zidgel''': Captains first, then everyone else. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': You were right, Michelle. We didn't take our time and we made mistakes. :'''Michelle''': Captain Zidgel? Jason and I have realized something. :'''Zidgel''': Can't stop it. Tried everything. :'''Jason''': Captain, we ''have'' tried everything, except listening. :'''Zidgel''': Listening? What do you mean? :'''Michelle''': Grandmum told us, enthusiasm without knowledge is no good. :'''Jason''': And haste makes mistakes. :'''Zidgel''': Translated, means…is this a tongue twister? :'''Fidgel''': Wait, I think I know. Rushing to do things in your own enthusiasm instead of taking time to understand and think causes problems. :'''Midgel''': Cuz you'll just make a mess if you hurry. :'''Kevin''': Yeah, big mess. :'''Jason''': Right, we've been in such a hurry to get back to the Comet Lounge for Sol's aurora borealis fruit punch-- :'''Michelle''': That we've been running with the first ideas that popped into our heads. Nobody listened to the tiki king. ===''Invasion of the Body Swappers!''=== :'''Midgel''': Hey, Mish, everything all right? :'''Michelle''': Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Midgel, do you, do you think I'm pretty? :'''Midgel''': What? ''[nervously laughs]'' Well, to tell you the truth, Michelle, I really don't know much about that sort of thing. To me, the prettiest thing in the world is the Rockhopper. She's a beaut, she is. :'''Fidgel''': ''[tweaking the galeezle as Michelle enters the main room]'' Oh, hello, dear. I've been tweaking the galeezle device. Would you like to help me? :'''Michelle''': Fidgel, do you think I'm pretty? :'''Fidgel''': Pretty? Uh, well, pretty is as pretty does, as my mom always used to say. ''[pulls out a photo of his mother]'' Ah, Mum was the prettiest woman in the world. ===''Git Along Little Doggies!''=== ===''Wise Guys''=== :'''Grandmum''': The Good Book says, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end, you will be wise." :'''Michelle''': You? Wise? Not likely. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[as his sister, Midgel, Fidgel, and Kevin all glare annoyingly at him]'' No, that was not my fault. It was the lousy time machine. It didn't even work! :'''Michelle''': Or maybe you didn't listen to any advice! :''[They hear the sounds of laughing and coughing and see two elderly penguins sitting in rocking chairs, but it turns out, they're the future versions of Midgel and Fidgel]'' :'''Future Midgel''': Looks like they didn't get the transmission. :'''Future Fidgel''': And I dare say Jason ignored our warnings about the time machine. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': This is fantastic! :'''Midgel''': Exactly how is this fantastic, Jason? :'''Jason''': ''[to Fidgel]'' Your time machine worked! We're in the future! This is the neatest thing ever! :'''Fidgel''': Not to dampen your enthusiasm, young man, but our situation is, in fact, quite dire. :'''Jason''': What do you mean? :'''Midgel''': Our ship's destroyed, who knows how much the time machine's been damaged? Jason, face the facts. :'''Future Midgel''': The odds are, you and your sister are stuck here with us, '''''forever.''''' :'''Jason''': ''[horrified] '''NO!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Michelle''': Kevin's getting '''''younger!''''' ===''Hogs and Kisses''=== :''[The Lizard King finds Jason in the back of his truck when he tries to run away]'' :'''Lizard King''': Great Bullamanka! A human ice pop! What are you doin' in there? :'''Jason''': ''[shivering from the cold]'' R-r-running away? :'''Lizard King''': Not on board my ship, you don't. No stowaways. I got a firm rule against such things. ''[pulls him out of the cargo hold; recognizing him]'' Wait a minute, I know you! You're the mate aboard the Rockhopper, under Captain Zidgel. :'''Jason''': P-p-please. You gotta let me stay. I-I can't go back there. :'''Lizard King''': Why not? :'''Jason''': They say things that hurt my feelings... supposed to be helpful. :'''Lizard King''': Oh, it's like that, is it? Always telling you what to do, eh? Giving you orders, do this, do that. Making you feel bad by saying things you don't wanna hear, eh mate? :'''Jason''': Yeah! :'''Lizard King''': Ha! Get over it! You're a shipmate. Taking orders is what you do. Whatever they're telling you is probably for your own good. ==Season 3 (2008)== ===''12 Angry Hens''=== ===''Kennel Club Blues''=== ===''Oh, Mercy!''=== ===''Promises, Promises, Promises''=== ===''Do Unto Brothers''=== ===''Between an Asteroid and a Hard Place''=== ===''In the Big House''=== == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:American children's animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American preschool education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows about penguins]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Qubo shows]] fdeo3m1hxnv0q4etdmmm3m8ezqn2s1u 3944537 3944526 2026-05-23T17:05:38Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 3944537 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:3-2-1 Penguins!|3-2-1 Penguins!]]''''' (2000-2003, 2006-2008) is an American [[sci-fi]]/fantasy/adventure/comedy/space opera 3D animated Christian preschool educational series that follows the two 6-year old twin siblings, Jason Conrad and his little twin sister, Michelle, who are spending the summer with their grandmother at their grandparent's cottage in the The Poconos region of Pennsylvania. They're also pulled into a rocket ship of a troop of four penguins as they're taken on a galactic adventure. The show was aimed at toddlers, and preschoolers, and from ages 2 to 5. ==Season 1 (2000-2003)== ===''Trouble on Planet Wait-Your-Turn''=== :''[First lines; The Conrad family are driving in the Poconos region of Pennsylvania to drop off their kids, Jason and Michelle, at Grandmum's cottage for the summer]'' :'''Jason''': ''[as Michelle's doll's shoe hits him on the side of his head on purpose; getting very angry]'' Mommy!!! she did that again!!! :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Michelle, come on, we're almost there. Apologize to your big brother. :'''Michelle''': I'm sorry, Jason. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': I hope you two don't act this way while you're at Grandmum's. :'''Michelle''': ''[excited]'' Yay, Grandmum's cottage! :'''Jason''': Yay, Grandmum's cottage. You know, Trevor's at Space Camp right now. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Jason, you'll get to go to Space Camp after Grandmum's cottage. You're just going to need to be patient. :'''Michelle''': I just love Grandmum's cottage! Are we almost there? :'''Mr. Conrad''': You should know where we are, cupcake, unless you aren't wearing your glasses again. ''[the car pulls up in front of the cottage]'' Hey, hey, hey! We're here! :'''Grandmum''': ''[walks out of the door and to the car; excitedly]'' Hello, sweeties! How's my two favorite twin pumpkins? :'''Michelle''': ''[in unison]'' Hi, Grandma. :'''Jason''': ''[in unison]'' Hi, Grandma. :'''Grandmum''': Oh, that's ''Grandmum'' to you, you little bugs! :'''Mr. Conrad''': Oh, you kids are gonna like it here. Your grandpa finished this place when I was about your age. :'''Grandmum''': That's right. Built the whole place himself, he did. Quite a man, your grandpop. ''[gets a hug from Michelle]'' Oh! Goodness, now, which one are you, then? :'''Michelle''': We're not identical twins, Grandmum. :'''Jason''': Thank goodness. :'''Michelle''': Just remember, I'm the sweetest one. :'''Jason''': And I'm the one who's supposed to be at Space Camp. ''[gets out of the car]'' :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Okay, that's everything. I'm afraid we have to run or we'll miss our flight. :'''Mr. Conrad''': Thanks for watching the kids, Mom. Jason and Michelle, we'll call you when we get there. :'''Grandmum''': Have a good trip. And don't you worry about these two, they'll be just fine here. No better place for kids, you know. :'''Mr. Conrad''': That's right. :'''Mrs. Conrad''': Bye-bye, sweethearts, we love you! Be good for your grandmum. :'''Mr. Conrad''': And have fun! :'''Grandmum''': Come on, pumpkins! You can give me a hand with supper. :'''Michelle''': Goodbye! :'''Mr. & Mrs. Conrad''': Bye. :'''Jason''': Bye. :''[The car starts pulling away but comes back after a few seconds]'' :'''Mr. Conrad''': Jason, your mom and I know you'd rather be at Space Camp right now, so we got you and Michelle something that might make the time go faster. Now, be sure you take turns with your sister. We'll call you for tonight, bud. <hr width="50%"> :''[While Jason plays with the Rockhopper and Michelle looks through a telescope in the attic, the ship magically comes to life and Jason meets the penguin troops for the first time]'' :'''Zidgel''': Jason T. Conrad. We need your help! :'''Jason''': You're, you're alive! :'''Midgel''': Of course we are, kid. It's much easier to do our jobs that way. :'''Zidgel''': Get in here, Jason. The galaxy waits for no man! :'''Jason''': What? I can't. I'm too big. :'''Zidgel''': Ah, too big, too big. When I was your size, I was ''twice'' your size. ''[to Fidgel]'' Dr. Fidgel, galeezle him. :'''Fidgel''': Yes, right away. ''[fires the galeezle and a big claw comes out of the ship, grabbing Jason]'' :'''Jason''': Hey! ''[gets reeled into the ship]'' I… I… I can't believe you guys are alive. :'''Zidgel''': Of course we are. :'''Midgel''': Either that or you're daydreaming. :'''Fidgel''': That's true. Sensors indicate that he ''could'' be daydreaming. :'''Midgel''': But no time for small talk now, we've got work to do. :'''Jason''': What about my sister? Is she coming? :'''Zidgel''': Don't worry, she'll get her chance. But right now, ''you're'' the one that we need. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zigel''': Okay, boys, I think it's time we briefed our new cadet. Now, listen up. I am Captain Zidgel. This is my ship. Over here, we have Dr. Fidgel. :'''Fidgel''': How do you do? :'''Zidgel''': This is the ship's pilot and engineer, First Officer Midgel. And, um, ''[clears throat]'' that's, uh, Kevin. :'''Kevin''': ''[vacuuming]'' Pleasure. :'''Jason''': What does he do? :''[Kevin gets his head sucked into the hose]'' :'''Zidgel''': Mostly, he just does that. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': Penguins, we have to get out of here! The cutting-in-line bug is infecting us too! :'''Midgel''': Nonsense! But if it is, it infected me first. :'''Fidgel''': No, I was first. :'''Kevin''': Me! Me! :'''Zidgel''': You're all being ridiculous! I wanted to cut in front of you hours ago. :'''Jason''': People! Don't you understand what happens when you get too close to the sun?! You'll '''''burn up!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': We're all gonna die if we keep this up! :'''Midgel''': He could be right! :'''Zidgel''': Or it could be a clever scam so that he could go first! :'''Jason''': Wait! Listen to me! We need to learn to wait our turns. To let someone else go first now and then. It's called patience. It's a virtue. :'''Zidgel''': I couldn't agree more! That's why you should wait your turn! :'''Jason''': No, no. Oh, what was that verse? Um, "A patient man has great understanding, but a quick tempered man displays folly." :'''Vacuum Cleaner''': ''[confused]'' What's folly? :'''Jason''': Foolishness. Trouble. Having to go first all the time only leads to trouble, like getting burned up by the sun! Now, the consequences are not always so extreme, but good things come to those who wait. :'''Zidgel''': So, what do we do? :'''Jason''': ''[gets an idea; politely]'' After you. ===''The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka''=== :'''Grandmum''': ''[teaching Michelle the importance of cheating]'' You know what the Good Book says about cheating, don't you? "The Lord hates cheating scales, but accurate weights are his delight." <hr width="50%"> :''[Michelle meets the penguin troops for the first time as the Rockhopper comes to life]'' :'''Zidgel''': Michelle Francis Conrad. :'''Michelle''': ''[calling for Jason, thinking it's for him]'' Uh, Jason? It's for you. :'''Zidgel''': Not so fast! ''You're'' the one we need, this time. :'''Michelle''': Jason's right. You guys ''are'' alive. :'''Midgel''': Either that or you're daydreaming. :'''Kevin''': Whoa, déjà vu. :'''Zidgel''': Dr. Fidgel, galeezle her. :'''Fidgel''': Right away, captain. :'''Midgel''': Hang on. :''[Fidgel fires the galeezle and the claw pops out of the ship, grabbing Michelle]'' :'''Michelle''': Wait! :'''Fidgel''': ''[reels her in aboard the ship]'' Amazing, an exact duplicate of your brother, only with pigtails! :'''Michelle''': We're, we're not identical twins, we're just the same age. ===''The Amazing Carnival of Complaining''=== :'''Michelle''': What's the matter, Jason? Are you bored? ''[Jason growls in annoyance]'' Too bad the video game's busted, huh? :'''Jason''': As a matter of fact, it is too bad, because I'm bored out of my brain! There's absolutely ''nothing'' to do up here! Why can't I be having fun at Space Camp like Trevor instead of eating weird grapes and thumb wrestling myself because the only other possible thing to do is plant pumpkins or stare at the wall?! Oh, that gives me an idea, I think I'll ''stare'' at the wall! :'''Michelle''': Touché. :'''Grandmum''': Heavens above! That's no way to look at things, is it? You do know what it says about complaining in the Bible, don't you? "Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure. Children of God without fault in this crooked world in which you shine like stars in the universe." You know, Jason, if you can't control your complaining, it'll spread to everyone around you, and you'll be a seed of discontent. So, which will it be, a grumpy seed, or a shining star? We will be outside if you change your mind. Come along, Michelle. ''[she and her granddaughter head outside the garden]'' :'''Jason''': Why would anyone want grapes with seeds? ===''Runaway Pride at Lightstation Kilowatt''=== ===''The Doom Funnel Rescue!''=== :''[A mail truck drops off some mail at Grandmum's cottage and drives away]'' :'''Jason & Michelle''': ''[run out the front door]'' Mail! :'''Jason''': Race ya. :'''Michelle''': Well… okay! ''[runs to the mailbox]'' :'''Jason''': Hey, no fair! Michelle, come on! :'''Michelle''': ''[opens the mailbox]'' What's the matter? It's just the mail. :'''Jason''': Come on, I'm desperate! If I don't hear something from the outside world soon, I'm gonna crack! :'''Michelle''': Well…let's just see what the postman's brought. Could this be for you? Oh, no, I guess not. But ooh! Here's an exciting opportunity to refund your home at today's low rate. :'''Jason''': Michelle… :'''Michelle''': You know, it's never too early to start planning for your retirement. :'''Jason''': That does it. Prepare to--rarrr! ''[starts chasing her around]'' :'''Michelle''': Hey, Jason! :'''Jason''': Come on, hand it over! :'''Michelle''': Cut it out! :'''Jason''': It's no use resisting. :'''Grandmum''': Goodness, muffins, what's all this? :'''Jason''': Michelle won't let me see the mail. :'''Grandmum''': Now, now, Michelle, what is it the Good Book says? Oh, yes! "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." I suppose that goes for the mail as well. :'''Michelle''': I was gonna give it to him eventually. :'''Grandmum''': Let's see, bills, bills, some lovely coupons, a card for Michelle, oh! And here's a nice letter for Jason. :'''Jason''': For me? Hey, it's from Trevor! ''[takes out a photo of Trevor on the anti-gravity simulator]'' Look, here's a picture of him on the anti-gravity simulator. :'''Michelle''': Personally, I never understood why a bunch of kids would wait in line just to get nauseous. :'''Grandmum''': Well, come along, bugs. We'll all read our mail over some delicious prune trifle. :'''Jason''': Yeah, here we can get nauseous without the weight. <hr width="50%"> :''[Jason lays on the couch reading Trevor's letter to him]'' :'''Trevor''': ''[voice-over] And being weightless was very neat. Friday, we learned all about space storms. Rocket science is a real blast. Get it? Ha, ha. Hey, remember that day we went to Astroland and rode on the Twister 28 times in a row? Nobody can take centrifugal force like you and me, right? I really wish you were here. Stuff's always more fun when you're around. Well, I gotta go meet John Glenn. Write soon, and tell me all the exciting things you've been doing. Your pal, Trevor.'' :'''Michelle''': Grandmum, the sink's leaking again! :'''Grandmum''': Well, we'll fix it up in a jiffy. Just need to find my supply of duct tape. ''[enters the living room, holding a roll of duct tape]'' Nice of Trevor to write you, wasn't it? I'm sure he misses you a lot. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I can tell. :'''Grandmum''': You should write him back right away. I'll bet he'd love hearing from you. You can tell him all about what you've been doing. :'''Michelle''': ''[coming down the stairs]'' Good idea! There was that one paperclip chain you made, and helping Grandmum put on her hair net, and that awful morning we, uh, ran out of toast. :'''Grandmum''': Woah, don't like to think about that too much. :'''Jason''': ''[sits up and gets off the couch]'' Well, I'm sure Trevor is having too much fun to bother reading any letter from me. :'''Grandmum''': You know, love, he might be a little homesick. Hearing from you could be just what the doctor ordered. :'''Jason''': Yeah, I think I'll just go upstairs. :'''Grandmum''': I'm sure you'll do the right thing, dear. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[holding up the Rockhopper with Preston in it]'' All systems are go for Captain Preston of the Space Mouse Patrol! As the mighty ship prepares to launch! Three, two… ''[Preston jumps out of the ship]'' Preston! ''[tries to catch him, but trips and falls on the floor]'' :''[Preston lands on top of the ship as it soars to life]'' :'''Zidgel''': 40 foot rodent! ''[Midgel presses a button, opening the dome and catapulting Preston off the ship; calling out to Jason while he tries to look for Preston]'' Cadet Jason T. Conrad, report for duty immediately! :'''Jason''': Huh? Oh, sure. Just give me a minute. I gotta find Preston. :'''Zidgel''': No time (for that), cadet! We have an urgent mission in the Zembroid counstol? C-c-cancel? Calcul? Cornsep... whatever, it's that way. :'''Jason''': Okay, but could you wait? :'''Zidgel''': Dr. Fidgel, galeezle him. :''[Fidgel fires the galeezle and pulls Jason into the ship]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Zigel''': ''[showing a presentation of his baby pictures on the big screen]'' As you can see from these photos, I was strikingly handsome even as an infant. Now here's one with me on my mommy's lap. Oh, here I am looking adorable! And, ooh, there's my old high chair! :'''Jason''': Uh, captain, the mission? :'''Fidgel''': We are headed for Space Colony Doublewide. It's interstellar cyclonic doom funnel season there. And our cargo is their supply of emergency duct tape. :'''Jason''': Emergency duct tape? :'''Fidgel''': Yes, it's for lashing space colony modules together. Otherwise, they slip their moorings, and those fragile trailers bash each other in the high winds, until they're splintered into smithereens. If we don't get it there in time, the entire population is done for! <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': ''[checks the fuel gauge, noticing the ship's fuel is nearly empty]'' Empty. We're running on fumes. You told me you prepared everything for the mission! :'''Zidgel''': Of course! And here it is! Styling gel, mousse, conditioner. :'''Midgel''': But what about gas? You said you got gas. :'''Zidgel''': And I did! But I'm feeling much better now, thank you. :'''Midgel''': ''[snapping irately]'' I meant rocket fuel! :'''Zidgel''': Oh. :'''Jason''': Uh, guys, wouldn't it be a good idea to get some more fuel quick before we ''totally'' run out? <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': ''[after the Rockhopper arrives at the gas station that is two cents cheaper as it completely runs out of fuel]'' Whew. Down to the last drop. ''[looks back at the crew, all frightened]'' What? I told you we were gonna run out of gas. <hr width="50%"> :'''Kevin''': Uh, they were out of Chewy Chunky Glob of Fudge, so I got you an Icky Gooey Slab of Slop (instead). :'''Zidgel''': ''[disappointed]'' It's not the same. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[when Kevin pulls out a spherical robot from the paper bag]'' What's that? :'''Kevin''': Not sure, really, I got it free with my Prune Trifle burrito. :'''Jason''': ''[reading the name]'' "B-I-N-G, Beneficial Imprinting Neuralnet Gizmo." :'''Kevin''': B.I.N.G. :'''Jason''': Look, here's the button to start it. ''[presses a button on the back and a flashbulb pops out, flashing Kevin as he covers his eyes]'' Hey, you guys, check this out. :'''Fidgel''': Most interesting. I believe that B.I.N.G. has somehow imprinted on Kevin's behavior, like a newborn duckling does with the first creature it sees. <hr width="50%"> :'''Zidgel''': Looks like Kevin's got himself a new best friend. :'''Midgel''': Nothing like a best friend, I always say. I got three back home. How about you, Jason? :'''Jason''': ''[as B.I.N.G. sets him down]'' Uh, yeah, at least, I think I still do. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper pulls up beside Professor Wordsworth's trailer and he boards before the doom funnel nearly sucks it up]'' :'''Midgel''': I can't control the ship much longer! :'''Professor Wordsworth''': But we can't just leave! This is my home! What about my research? The colony? Our future survival depends on learning how to defend against the doom funnel! :'''Midgel''': Sorry, Professor, but that thing's nearly got a hold of us. We'll need to fight our way out! <hr width="50%"> :''[After saving the Space Colony Doublewide trailer park from the doom funnel, Kevin has no choice but to give B.I.N.G. to Professor Wordsworth]'' :'''Fidgel''': ''[amazed after B.I.N.G. imprints the professor's behavior]'' Fascinating! Now B.I.N.G. is imprinted on the professor. :'''Professor Wordsworth''': This is most kind of you, Kevin. We shall forever remember your act of goodness. Now then, B.I.N.G., shall we see what we can do to spruce things up a bit before everyone returns? :'''Kevin''': Goodbye, B.I.N.G. I won't forget you. :'''Zidgel''': Did I miss something? Seems to me we're down one robot in the deal. :'''Jason''': Kevin just realized that it was wrong to keep B.I.N.G. to himself when he had a chance to do good for the professor and the whole colony. "Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[writing a letter to Trevor in return; voice-over] And just today, I found this really excellent mouse named Preston. Well, guess that's about it. Glad you're having a great summer, too. As someone I know once said, "Ain't nothing like a best friend." Oh, (and) in case you're a little homesick, here's something to help cheer you up. Maybe next year, we can try to break our record on that coaster. Signed, your best bud, Jason.'' :''[Later that night… Jason and Michelle are saying their prayers before going to bed]'' :'''Grandmum''': Nighty-night, cupcakes. Time to say your prayers. :'''Jason & Michelle''': Dear God… :'''Michelle''': Please bless Grandmum and keep my Mommy and Daddy safe on their trip. :'''Jason''': And thank you for teaching me the importance of doing good things for people whenever I have the chance. And please watch over Preston. He's a really great mouse. :'''Michelle''': Even if he did eat the bridal bouquet. :'''Jason & Michelle''': Amen. ===''Moon Menace on Planet Tell-a-Lie!''=== :'''Grandmum''': Like the Good Book says, "Lies will get any man into trouble, but honesty is its own defense." ==Season 2 (2007-2008)== ===''I Scream, You Scream!''=== :'''Sol''': Like the Good Book says, "Those who have knowledge use words with restraint, and those who are understanding are even tempered." Now that means the more you know, the less you get angry. And that's good. Anger just makes you lose control and he end up accusing others wrongly. :'''Jason''': He talks like Grandmum. <hr width="50%"> :'''Admiral Strap''': ''[on speaker] Penguins! Come in, penguins!'' :'''Zidgel''': Admiral Strap, sir! ''[salutes]'' :'''Michelle''': Uh, who's that? :'''Fidgel''': That's Admiral Strap. Our commander at Federation HQ. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper arrives at Grandmum's cottage in the attic, preparing to send Jason and Michelle back]'' :'''Zigel''': Well, until next time, cadets! :'''Midgel''': G'bye, mates! :'''Jason & Michelle''': Goodbye! :''[As Fidgel fires the galeezle, the claw pops out and falls on the floor, covered in gum]'' :'''Michelle''': Oh, no, what happened? :'''Jason''': What happened?! Can't you see? The thing's broken! :'''Michelle''': How? :'''Fidgel''': ''[examines the gum]'' Hmm… Corn syrup, soy lecithin, and titanium dioxide, if I'm not very much mistaken. A construct otherwise known as… :'''Jason''': Hubby chubby bubble gum! Oh, no! ''[angrily points to Michelle]'' It was ''you!'' You must have spit it out when the galeezle pulled us in! :'''Michelle''': I wasn't the only one with hubby chubby! You were chewing it too! :'''Jason''': I swallowed mine! :'''Michelle''': Well, I didn't do it! You must have done it! :'''Jason''': I didn't do it! ''You'' did! :'''Michelle''': No, ''you'' did! :'''Zidgel''': Ah, ah! Temper, temper. Here we go, accusing each other again! Remember what old Sol told us: not smart without all the facts. :'''Jason''': Well, the fact ''is'' we aren't going to be able to get back to Grandmum's and it's all Michelle's fault! :'''Michelle''': Can you fix it, Fidgel? :'''Fidgel''': Well, um…it's not…Well, I can try. :'''Jason''': "Try?!" Oh, no! We're going to stay this size? I'm only as big as my little finger! :'''Michelle''': Can you make it work again? :'''Fidgel''': ''[pulls out a small, burned out device covered in gum]'' This is what makes it work. The metric magnetic matter disperser. The only one in existence as far as I know! Without this, the galeezle is useless! I fear the bubble gum has burnt it out. <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': Jason, Michelle, would you like a sandwich? :'''Jason''': ''[disappointed about not getting back to Grandmum's cottage]'' No. I just want Grandmum's cocoa. :'''Michelle''': I thought you weren't talking to me. :'''Jason''': I ''wasn't'' talking to you, you galeezle breaker! :'''Michelle''': I didn't break it. ''You'' did! Your gum must've come out when you were screaming like a baby. :'''Jason''': ''[infuriated]'' Screaming like a baby?! :'''Michelle''': Yes, you always scream like a baby when galeezled into the ship! :'''Zidgel''': ''[enters the main room after taking a shower with his hair all droopy; angrily accusing Kevin]'' KEVIN! YOU'VE BEEN INTO MY SHAMPOO AGAIN! :'''Midgel''': Calm down, captain. :'''Zidgel''': Calm down? Calm down?! ''[to Kevin]'' Listen to me! "Ridiculous proportions shampoo" is shampoo! Do you hear me? ''Shampoo!'' But you always use it as a body wash! A ''body wash!'' Do you know how much ''body'' you have to wash?! :''[Kevin reacts with confusion]'' :'''Midgel''': Now, wait just a minute, captain. Didn't you say earlier that we shouldn't be too quick to accuse each other? ''[gasps in shock when he sees his Boomerangutan poster on the table; accusing Fidgel in outrage]'' Doc! Doc! What have you done to my poster?! :'''Fidgel''': I-I just needed something to protect the table. :'''Midgel''': ''[frustrated]'' Do you know how much this is worth?! It was from the last tour of the Boomerangutans! :'''Fidgel''': ''[retorting]'' Well, if you wouldn't leave your quarters in such a mess, how am I to know what's rare and what's rubbish? :''[Jason and Michelle cover their ears, trying to block out the arguing]'' :'''Jason''': Nice going, Michelle! :'''Michelle''': What?! Now you're blaming ''me'' for this?! :'''Jason''': We wouldn't even be here if you hadn't broken the galeezle! ===''The Green-eyed Monster''=== ===''Lazy Daze''=== :''[The Rockhopper pulls up at the Comet Lounge]'' :'''Zidgel''': Captain's blog, we're going on a picnic. :'''Michelle''': So, what are we doing here? :'''Midgel''': Had to stop off for some supplies, first. Soda pop, sandwiches, you know. :'''Fidgel''': ''[as they enter]'' Don't forget the chocolate bars and marshmallows! :'''Jason''': Oh, great! I love eating s'mores! :'''Fidgel''': Eating? Oh, no, I need them for a new fuel experiment. :'''Midgel''': Now don't take all day with your science project stuff, Doctor. We're here to get in, get supplies, and get out. No nonsense. :'''Fidgel''': I assure you, my experiments are not nonsense. :'''Midgel''': What about the time you tried to make glass invisible so you can see through it? :'''Fidgel''': Well, it worked, didn't it? <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': What's wrong with being lazy? :'''Sol''': Well, just think, if I didn't work around here, nobody would get served, dirty dishes would pile up. Pretty soon the whole place would stink! :'''Michelle''': Like Jason's room! :'''Sol''': ''[chuckles]'' Old Sol says, "The lazy person wants many things, but has nothing. But the person who is diligent and hardworking, truly has it all." You want to be diligent, right, kids? :'''Jason''': Actually, the picnic sounds more fun. :'''Sol''': ''[laughs]'' I'm sure it does. You just keep an eye on those ants, you hear? :'''Jason''': We will. Is it just me, or is he weird? <hr width="50%"> :'''Fidgel''': ''[opens the storage bay, but it's all piled up with junk]'' Oh, dear me. :'''Midgel''': What's got your knickers in a knot, doc? :'''Fidgel''': Well, I'm scheduled to run a diagnostic test on the Harryhausen ray, but it's in the back of this storage bay, and I can't get to it. :'''Midgel''': Harryhausen ray? What's that? :'''Fidgel''': Oh, it's simply a device that halts movement on a molecular level. :'''Midgel''': ''[not understanding]'' In the Queen's English, Fidge. :'''Fidgel''': Yes. It stops action, freezes things in time and space. :'''Midgel''': Classic. But it looks like you could use some help. :'''Fidgel''': Oh, why thank you. :'''Midgel''': If I see anyone available, I'll send 'em round. :'''Fidgel''': ''[enters Jason's room, finding him laying lazily on his bed]'' Hello, Jason. I hear you're looking to earn some extra money for sea chimps? :'''Jason''': Yeah! :'''Fidgel''': Well, the storage bay is in a bit of a mess. What say I hire you to clean it? :'''Jason''': Hire? You mean like a job? I'm kinda busy. Maybe later. Uh, doc? Turn the page for me. I can't reach. ===''More Is More''=== ===''Give and Let Give''=== :'''Jason''': ''[enters Michelle's room while following the smelling scent and spots a cupcake on the table, tries to eat it, but Michelle swipes it from him]'' Let me have a cupcake. I'll tell Grandmum you've learned your lesson when we get back. :'''Michelle''': No. ''I'' made them, I say who gets one. :'''Jason''': (Oh, I get it.) You won't give me one because you're still mad about play-ser tag. :'''Michelle''': Yeah, it was no fair. I was sick of being it. :'''Jason''': At least I shared with you. :'''Michelle''': You gave me the broken one. :'''Jason''': This one? It's a new invention. Fidgel even said it didn't work right. ''[turns on the device and a straight and spiral beam fires and goes around the room until it reaches him]'' :'''Michelle''': No thanks, that thing is a play-ser tag magnet. Wherever I hid in the room, that beam would find me. I was it the whole time! :'''Jason''': Fine, but it's not ''my'' fault it doesn't work. Keep your stale old cupcakes. ''[leaves the room in a huff]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': ''[as Kevin sticks his head in the sand]'' What do you think you're doing? :'''Kevin''': Looking for water. <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': Fidge, give me your spectrometer. :'''Fidgel''': What for? :'''Midgel''': I wanna try something. :'''Fidget''': No, you'll break it. :'''Midgel''': What? :'''Michelle''': Can't he borrow it for a moment? He might be able to get us free. :'''Fidgel''': No, he's ''never'' careful with my things. It's a delicate device. :'''Michelle''': But, doctor, what about Sol's cookie? What about sharing? :'''Fidgel''': Well, what do you want it for, anyway? :'''Midgel''': I need to get back to the ship to get a fix on the pump, so you can find it, override the signal, and turn it back on. :'''Michelle''': Please? This is no time to be stingy. :'''Fidgel''': ''[reluctantly]'' Don't get any sand in it. :'''Midgel''': Thank you. I'll head to the ship. You look around here, keep your communicator on. <hr width="50%"> :'''Midgel''': Fidgel, come in! Do you read me? :'''Fidgel''': Well, it's about time. They've got the captain trussed up like a Christmas package. :'''Midgel''': That's not good, I mean, unless it actually was Christmas. ===''Practical Hoax''=== :'''Zidgel''': You're getting the seat wet, Michelle. :'''Michelle''': You can thank Jason (for that). :'''Zidgel''': Oh, thank you, Jason. ===''Comedy of Errors''=== ===''Compassion Crashin'''=== ===''Wiki Tiki''=== :'''Grandmum''': Michelle, is this the way I've taught you to rinse the dishes? :'''Michelle''': ''[sees the sink overflowing; alarmed]'' Oh, no! ''[quickly turns it off and places a towel on the wet floor]'' :'''Grandmum''': And, Jason, you didn't replace the plastic liner in this trash can. :'''Jason''': Sorry, Grandmum, I'll go get it right now. :'''Michelle''': I guess I was in too big a hurry. I'm sorry. :'''Grandmum''': Remember what the Good Book says, "Enthusiasm without knowledge is ''no'' good. Haste makes mistakes." :'''Jason''': Is that a real proverb? :'''Grandmum''': It jolly well is. Take the time to listen and do it right the first time. :'''Jason''': Like the trash liner. I'm on it. :'''Grandmum''': You'll just make a mess if you rush. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': Now where's that spaceship? It was right here! :'''Michelle''': Jason, you heard Grandmum. We got to put the clean sheets on our beds. :'''Jason''': I did. :'''Michelle''': ''[sternly]'' Jason. :'''Jason''': It's fine. I'll make the bed later. ''[Midgel galeezles both him and Michelle into the Rockhopper]'' Whoa, definitely later. :'''Michelle''': Hey, thanks, Midgel. Where is everybody? :'''Midgel''': Sorry, Michelle, no time for chit chat, we got to get going. ''[The kids are strapped to their seats and buckle up]'' The others are at the Comet Lounge making sure Sol doesn't run out of the afternoon special. :'''Jason and Michelle''': Sol's Aurora Borealis fruit punch! :'''Jason''': What are we waiting for?! :'''Jason, Michelle, and Midgel''': BONSAI! <hr width="50%"> :''[The Rockhopper arrives at the Comet Lounge and Jason, Michelle, and Midgel enter where the rest of the crew are already there]'' :'''Midgel''': Where's the Aurora Borealis punch? :'''Fidgel''': Sol hasn't lit the sign, yet. :'''Midgel''': Whew. I'd hate to miss the Aurora Borealis. Best fruit punch in the galaxy. :'''Fidgel''': Hey, I was in line first. :'''Zidgel''': Captains first, then everyone else. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': You were right, Michelle. We didn't take our time and we made mistakes. :'''Michelle''': Captain Zidgel? Jason and I have realized something. :'''Zidgel''': Can't stop it. Tried everything. :'''Jason''': Captain, we ''have'' tried everything, except listening. :'''Zidgel''': Listening? What do you mean? :'''Michelle''': Grandmum told us, enthusiasm without knowledge is no good. :'''Jason''': And haste makes mistakes. :'''Zidgel''': Translated, means…is this a tongue twister? :'''Fidgel''': Wait, I think I know. Rushing to do things in your own enthusiasm instead of taking time to understand and think causes problems. :'''Midgel''': Cuz you'll just make a mess if you hurry. :'''Kevin''': Yeah, big mess. :'''Jason''': Right, we've been in such a hurry to get back to the Comet Lounge for Sol's aurora borealis fruit punch-- :'''Michelle''': That we've been running with the first ideas that popped into our heads. Nobody listened to the tiki king. ===''Invasion of the Body Swappers!''=== :'''Midgel''': Hey, Mish, everything all right? :'''Michelle''': Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Midgel, do you, do you think I'm pretty? :'''Midgel''': What? ''[nervously laughs]'' Well, to tell you the truth, Michelle, I really don't know much about that sort of thing. To me, the prettiest thing in the world is the Rockhopper. She's a beaut, she is. :'''Fidgel''': ''[tweaking the galeezle as Michelle enters the main room]'' Oh, hello, dear. I've been tweaking the galeezle device. Would you like to help me? :'''Michelle''': Fidgel, do you think I'm pretty? :'''Fidgel''': Pretty? Uh, well, pretty is as pretty does, as my mom always used to say. ''[pulls out a photo of his mother]'' Ah, Mum was the prettiest woman in the world. ===''Git Along Little Doggies!''=== ===''Wise Guys''=== :'''Grandmum''': The Good Book says, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end, you will be wise." :'''Michelle''': You? Wise? Not likely. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': ''[as his sister, Midgel, Fidgel, and Kevin all glare annoyingly at him]'' No, that was not my fault. It was the lousy time machine. It didn't even work! :'''Michelle''': Or maybe you didn't listen to any advice! :''[They hear the sounds of laughing and coughing and see two elderly penguins sitting in rocking chairs, but it turns out, they're the future versions of Midgel and Fidgel]'' :'''Future Midgel''': Looks like they didn't get the transmission. :'''Future Fidgel''': And I dare say Jason ignored our warnings about the time machine. <hr width="50%"> :'''Jason''': This is fantastic! :'''Midgel''': Exactly how is this fantastic, Jason? :'''Jason''': ''[to Fidgel]'' Your time machine worked! We're in the future! This is the neatest thing ever! :'''Fidgel''': Not to dampen your enthusiasm, young man, but our situation is, in fact, quite dire. :'''Jason''': What do you mean? :'''Midgel''': Our ship's destroyed, who knows how much the time machine's been damaged? Jason, face the facts. :'''Future Midgel''': The odds are, you and your sister are stuck here with us, '''''forever.''''' :'''Jason''': ''[horrified] '''NO!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Michelle''': Kevin's getting '''''younger!''''' ===''Hogs and Kisses''=== :''[The Lizard King finds Jason in the back of his truck when he tries to run away]'' :'''Lizard King''': Great Bullamanka! A human ice pop! What are you doin' in there? :'''Jason''': ''[shivering from the cold]'' R-r-running away? :'''Lizard King''': Not on board my ship, you don't. No stowaways. I got a firm rule against such things. ''[pulls him out of the cargo hold; recognizing him]'' Wait a minute, I know you! You're the mate aboard the Rockhopper, under Captain Zidgel. :'''Jason''': P-p-please. You gotta let me stay. I-I can't go back there. :'''Lizard King''': Why not? :'''Jason''': They say things that hurt my feelings... supposed to be helpful. :'''Lizard King''': Oh, it's like that, is it? Always telling you what to do, eh? Giving you orders, do this, do that. Making you feel bad by saying things you don't wanna hear, eh mate? :'''Jason''': Yeah! :'''Lizard King''': Ha! Get over it! You're a shipmate. Taking orders is what you do. Whatever they're telling you is probably for your own good. ==Season 3 (2008)== ===''12 Angry Hens''=== ===''Kennel Club Blues''=== ===''Oh, Mercy!''=== ===''Promises, Promises, Promises''=== ===''Do Unto Brothers''=== ===''Between an Asteroid and a Hard Place''=== ===''In the Big House''=== == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:American children's animated space adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American preschool education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows about penguins]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Qubo shows]] 35va5oxzv9h6sg3r9v56xz9gwzfi8c1 0 245989 3944520 3711039 2026-05-23T16:45:21Z AnindijeWidhie 3328200 Correct birth year 3944520 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dominique Mamberti, 14 Dec 2010.jpg|thumb|Dominique Mamberti (2010)]] '''[[w:Dominique Mamberti|Dominique François Joseph Mamberti ]]''' (7 March 1952 –) is the Prefect of the Apostolic Signatura in the Roman Curia. == Quotes == *The erosion of freedom of conscience also witnesses to a form of pessimism with regard to the capacity of the human conscience to recognize the good and the true, to the advantage of positive law alone, which tends to monopolize the determination of morality. It is also the Church’s role to remind people that every person, no matter what his beliefs, has, by means of his conscience, the natural capacity to distinguish good from evil and that he should act accordingly. Therein lies the source of his true freedom. **[http://www.archivioradiovaticana.va/storico/2013/01/16/abp_mamberti_responds_to_european_court_of_human_rights_judgement/en1-656095 Abp Mamberti responds to European Court of Human Rights judgement] (2013) *Certainly, a dialogue with Islam may be pursued and must be pursued. Speaking about a dialogue with Islam is something abstract... we must rather pursue a dialogue with Islamic representatives, believers in Islam, and develop with them, as much as possible, common actions with them in favor of peace and development. *As quoted in Andrea Gagliarducci, ''[https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/31976/for-cardinal-mamberti-dialogue-with-muslims-is-a-must For Cardinal Mamberti, dialogue with Muslims is a must]'' (May 13, 2015) *(About illegal immigrants) diplomacy must explore all the possible ways so that the human person is respected. Obviously, any initiative must be fostered under international law, and with the major goal to keep peace, as the Holy Father often reiterated: 'Only with peace, can we build the future'. *As quoted in Andrea Gagliarducci, ''[https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/31976/for-cardinal-mamberti-dialogue-with-muslims-is-a-must For Cardinal Mamberti, dialogue with Muslims is a must]'' (May 13, 2015) *(About the [[w:fall of the Berlin Wall|fall of the Berlin Wall]]) It was not just a reminder of the end of an era of profound division; it is a symbol of hope, showing that it is possible to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles for the benefit of what is deeply rooted in our human nature, namely life in dignity and freedom. And the fact that it was achieved in a marvelously peaceful manner makes us hopeful that it can be done again. **From an interview of Cindy Wooden ([[w:en:Catholic News Service|Catholic News Service]]), ''[https://slmedia.org/blog/meet-the-cardinals-dominique-mamberti Meet the Cardinals: Dominique Mamberti]'' (February 3, 2015) *(About security in Europe and around the world) It cannot be achieved without the protection of human rights," but, on the other hand, "full respect of human rights can be ensured only in a secure environment, allowing individuals to enjoy the inalienable rights and freedoms to which they are all entitled as human beings. **From an interview of Cindy Wooden ([[w:en:Catholic News Service|Catholic News Service]]), ''[https://slmedia.org/blog/meet-the-cardinals-dominique-mamberti Meet the Cardinals: Dominique Mamberti]'' (February 3, 2015) *I believe that the role of the Pope is to confirm his brothers in faith, and I believe that this is why he is coming: to say that Corsica is in his heart, and that the life of the Church in Corsica is important to him, just as the life of all churches around the world is important to him. **Je pense que le rôle du pape, c'est de confirmer ses frères dans la foi, et je pense que c'est pour cela qu'il vient : pour dire que la Corse est dans son cœur, et que la vie de l'Église en Corse est importante pour lui, comme la vie de toutes les Églises dans le monde est importante pour lui. ***As quoted in Jean-Philippe Mattei and Julia Sereni, ''[https://france3-regions.francetvinfo.fr/corse/corse-du-sud/ajaccio/pape-en-corse-un-evenement-unique-dans-l-histoire-de-la-corse-pour-le-cardinal-mamberti-3072850.html Pape en Corse : "Un événement unique dans l'histoire de l'île" pour le Cardinal Mamberti]'' (in French) == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mamberti, Dominique}} [[Category:Catholics from France]] [[Category:Cardinals]] [[Category:1952 births]] [[Category:Living people]] bken9a87oqvutpiwsu7y6e1r61s8x8w 0 253047 3944459 3627603 2026-05-23T13:33:16Z Saroj 2925457 −[[Category:Women from Sweden]]; +[[Category:Singer-songwriters from Sweden]]; ±[[Category:Singers from Sweden]]→[[Category:Women singers from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944459 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Zara Larsson - 2021 (51654739994) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Zara Larsson in 2021]] '''[[w:Zara Larsson|Zara Maria Larsson]]''' (born 16 December 1997) is a Swedish [[w:Pop music|pop]] singer. In 2008, at the age of 10, she won the [[w:Talang 2008|second season]] of the talent show ''[[w:Talang (Swedish TV show)|Talang]]'', the Swedish version of the ''[[w:Got Talent|Got Talent]]'' format. Since then she has received recognition with singles including "[[w:Lush Life (Zara Larsson song)|Lush Life]]" (2015), "[[w:Never Forget You (Zara Larsson and MNEK song)|Never Forget You]]" (2015), "Girls Like" (2016) featuring [[w:Tinie Tempah|Tinie Tempah]] and "[[w:Ain't My Fault|Ain't My Fault]]" (2016). She later featured on Clean Bandit's single, "[[w:Symphony (Clean Bandit song)|Symphony]]" (2017), topping the charts in the UK and Sweden. Her third studio album in 2021 was preceded by the international hit "[[w:Ruin My Life (Zara Larsson song)|Ruin My Life]]" (2018). == Quotes == * Once upon a time you were my everything. It's clear to see that time hasn't changed a thing. ** [https://www.lyricsondemand.com/songquotes/zaralarssonsongquotes.html] * Was solo singing on my own, now I can't find the key without you. ** [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/10394048-was-solo-singing-on-my-own-now-i-can-t] * Everybody wants attention, more or less. I just want a lot. ** [https://www.enquoted.com/zara-larsson-quotes.html] * If kindness lives in everyone Then all it takes isn’t enough. ** [https://wpbsuggest.com/zara-larsson-quotes/] == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Larsson,Zara}} [[Category:1997 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Women singers from Sweden]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Sweden]] 7nxzb2jlsqe38lvetpwc3rjo4p0w9m4 3944469 3944459 2026-05-23T13:42:56Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944469 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Zara Larsson - 2021 (51654739994) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Zara Larsson in 2021]] '''[[w:Zara Larsson|Zara Maria Larsson]]''' (born 16 December 1997) is a Swedish [[w:Pop music|pop]] singer. In 2008, at the age of 10, she won the [[w:Talang 2008|second season]] of the talent show ''[[w:Talang (Swedish TV show)|Talang]]'', the Swedish version of the ''[[w:Got Talent|Got Talent]]'' format. Since then she has received recognition with singles including "[[w:Lush Life (Zara Larsson song)|Lush Life]]" (2015), "[[w:Never Forget You (Zara Larsson and MNEK song)|Never Forget You]]" (2015), "Girls Like" (2016) featuring [[w:Tinie Tempah|Tinie Tempah]] and "[[w:Ain't My Fault|Ain't My Fault]]" (2016). She later featured on Clean Bandit's single, "[[w:Symphony (Clean Bandit song)|Symphony]]" (2017), topping the charts in the UK and Sweden. Her third studio album in 2021 was preceded by the international hit "[[w:Ruin My Life (Zara Larsson song)|Ruin My Life]]" (2018). == Quotes == * Once upon a time you were my everything. It's clear to see that time hasn't changed a thing. ** [https://www.lyricsondemand.com/songquotes/zaralarssonsongquotes.html] * Was solo singing on my own, now I can't find the key without you. ** [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/10394048-was-solo-singing-on-my-own-now-i-can-t] * Everybody wants attention, more or less. I just want a lot. ** [https://www.enquoted.com/zara-larsson-quotes.html] * If kindness lives in everyone Then all it takes isn’t enough. ** [https://wpbsuggest.com/zara-larsson-quotes/] == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Larsson,Zara}} [[Category:1997 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Women singers from Sweden]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Sweden]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] pvix851xzl0piv4xpmq6kolrchamvz5 0 257025 3944788 3941648 2026-05-24T08:49:40Z ~2026-21334-34 3308640 /* Dialogue */ 3944788 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DEFAULTSORT:Super Mario Bros. Movie, The}}'''''{{w|The Super Mario Bros. Movie}}''''' is a 2023 American 3D computer-animated surreal comedy-adventure film for all ages produced by [[Nintendo]] and [[w:Illumination (company)|Illumination]]. Based on the [[Mario (franchise)|video game franchise of the same name]], the plot follows Mario and Luigi, two Italian-American plumber brothers who are transported to an alternate world and become entangled in a battle between the Mushroom Kingdom, led by Princess Peach, and the Koopas, led by Bowser. It was released on April 5, 2023. A sequel, ''[[The Super Mario Galaxy Movie]]'', was released in April 1, 2026. :''Directed by {{w|Aaron Horvath}} and {{w|Michael Jelenic}}. Written by Matthew Fogel.'' == Dialogue == :'''Snow King''': That is but a taste of our fury. Do you yield? :'''Bowser''': ''[chuckles]'' I do not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mario''': It's-a-me! A-Mario! :'''Luigi''': And a-Luigi! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Foreman Spike''': Well, well, well, if it isn't Brooklyn's favorite failures, the Stupid Mario Brothers. :'''Luigi''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, great. Spike's here. :'''Mario''': Hey, Spike. :'''Spike''': Yeah. ''[mockingly]'' "It's-a me!" ''[laughs]'' Ooh, yeah. ''[seriously]'' Tell me, have you even gotten ''one call'' since you two have left me to start your dumb company? :'''Luigi''': As a matter of fact, Spike, we have. ''[points at his phone]'' :'''Mario''': Wow. Really? :'''Luigi''': Uh, yeah. Our mom called, and she said, "Oh, boys, that's the best commercial I've ever seen!" And I said, "Thank you very much, Mother, we're very proud of it." So, ''boom! [slams his phone, cracking the screen]'' :'''Spike''': ''[laughs]'' Good luck running a business with this idiot. ''[throws a balled-up napkin at Luigi]'' :'''Mario''': ''[catches the balled-up napkin; in tranquil fury]'' Say that again about my brother, and ''you're gonna regret it.'' ''[throws ball back at Spike]'' :'''Spike''': Oh, yeah? ''[grabs Mario by the overalls]'' Get this through your tiny brain, Mario: you're a joke, and you always will be. ''[throws Mario on the ground, leaves some money, and exits]'' :'''Luigi''': Are you insane? He's 3 times than your size. :'''Mario''': Luigi, c'mon. Y'know, you can't be scared all the time. :'''Luigi''': Mmm, you'd be surprised. ''[hears his cracked phone begins to ring with the [[w:Nintendo GameCube|Nintendo GameCube]] boot-up music and answers]'' Hello, Super Mario Brothers. Uh-huh? A drip in your faucet? That's great! I mean, that's...That's great you called us because we can be there, and we can fix it right away. Okay. ''[hangs up]'' Mario, we got one! The Super Mario Brothers are in business! :'''Mario''': Woohoo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Peach's Castle, the Toad Council holds a meeting]'' :'''Toad General''': Council, your attention. Bowser has found the Super Star, and is headed toward our kingdom. Its power will make him invincible. We ''will'' be destroyed. :''[The Toads gasp]'' :'''Yellow Council Toad''': Princess, what are we gonna do?! :'''[Princess Peach''': ''[rising]'' I will not let him hurt you. ''[ascending the stairs]'' We are going to stop Bowser. :'''Yellow Council Toad''': How? Look at us. We're adorable! ''[he and the others widen their eyes]'' :'''Peach''': I'm going to convince the Great Kong Army to help us. Together, we'll annihilate that monster. :'''Toad General''': Their mad king doesn't make alliances. The Kongs will never agree. :'''Peach''': I can convince him. I'll leave for the Jungle Kingdom in the morning. ''[leaves]'' :'''Toad General''': Good luck, Princess. For all our sakes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mario almost completes Peach's training course]'' :'''Peach''': Well, we have a long journey ahead of us, Mustache. :'''Mario''': But I didn't make it. :'''Peach''': You almost did. No one gets it right away. :'''Mario''': How many tries did it take you? :'''Peach''': ''[her eyes widen]'' Oh, ''so'' many. I was ''not'' good at it. Worse than you. ''[flashes a guilty grin]'' :'''Mario''': ''[disbelieving]'' You got it right away, didn't you? :'''Peach''': I got it right away, ''but'' I grew up here. :'''Mario''': Okay, now you're just trying to make me feel better. :'''Peach''': No. No. ''[pause]'' Is it working? :'''Mario''': A little bit, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Toad guards play the Level Complete fanfare as Mario and Peach exit the castle to find all Toads cheering for them]'' :'''Peach''': They're all counting on us. No pressure. :'''Toads''': ''[cheering]'' Yeah! ''[now looking at Mario]'' Huh? :''[Through the crowd, Peach and Mario get to the pipe]'' :'''Peach''': My Toads, our days of terror are almost over! With the help of the Kong Army, we will stop- ''[Princess Peach clenches her hands into her fists.]'' :'''Blue Toad''': Uh, who's he? ''[points to Mario who nervously chuckles]'' :'''Peach''': ''[gapes at him and at the Toads]'' He's not inportant! :''[In the answer, the Toads cheer again as Peach and Mario exit through the pipe]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kamek''': ''[as Bowser is singing "Peaches"]'' Sire. :'''Bowser''': ''[growls]'' What? :'''Kamek''': A report from our intelligence; A mustachioed human has arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom. ''[Bowser angrily growls; stumbles in fear]'' The princess has been training him. They are up to something, sire. :'''Bowser''': ''[calms himself]'' Sit. Jam with me. ''[Kamek sits next to Bowser, as he starts playing "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0SuIMUoShI&pp=ygUXdW5kZXJncm91bmQgdGhlbWUgbWFyaW8%3D Underground Theme]" from Super Mario Bros. on his piano]'' This, uh, human, where did he come from? :'''Kamek''': We aren't sure. :'''Bowser''': Does the princess...like him? :'''Kamek''': Sire, look in the mirror; You have nothing to worry about. :'''Bowser''': I know that. I'm not threatened. ''[slams cover on Kamek's fingers]'' :'''Kamek''': Aaaggghhhhh!!! :'''Bowser''': FIND OUT WHO HE IS, AND WHAT THEY'RE PLANNING!! [slams his fist and storms off]'' :'''Kamek''': ''[painfully]'' I'm on it, sire. May I lift the cover? :'''Bowser''': ''[walking away]'' Not yet. Pain is the best teacher. :'''Mario:''' You don't seem like you're from here. :'''Fire Peach''': I don't know where I'm from. :'''Mario:''' Really? :'''Fire Peach''': Yep. My earliest memory is arriving. ''[flashback to Baby Peach entering the Mushroom Kingdom and meeting the Toads]'' I was so lucky they found me. ''[as Peach grows up, shots of her fishing Cheep Cheeps and training with the Toads]'' They took me in and raised me like one of their own. And when I was ready... ''[cut to Peach being crowned as the Toads cheer for her]'' ...they made me their princess. :''[Flashback ends]'' :'''Mario:''' Maybe you're from my world. :'''Fire Peach''': ''[looking up at the sky]'' There's a huge universe out there...with a lot of galaxies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowser''': What is your name? :'''Luigi''': Uh...Luigi. :'''Bowser''': Not sure if you know who I am, but I'm about to marry a princess and rule the world. :'''Luigi''': ''[smiles nervously]'' Wow. Uh, yay. :'''Bowser''': But there's one problem, Luigi. There's a human traveling with my fiancé; has a mustache, just like you. Do you know him? :'''Luigi''': No. No! :'''Bowser''': Ah, tough one, I see. Maybe this'll get you to talk. ''[pulls at a strand of Luigi's mustache with his claws]'' :'''Luigi''': Do you think I know every human being with a mustache wearing an identical outfit with a hat with the letter of his first name on it?! Because I don't! :'''Bowser''': ''[plucks the strand off, then pulls at more of Luigi's mustache; enraged] Do you know him?! :'''Luigi''': Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop, stop! I know him! Yes, I know him! Yeah, he's my brother, Mario, and he's the best guy in the world! :'''Bowser''': Do princesses find him attractive?! :'''Luigi''': They do if they have good taste! ''[Bowser rips part of his mustache]'' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :'''Bowser''': ''[tosses him to the ground]'' Get him outta my sight! We'll see how tough this Mario is when he watches me kill his brother! :'''Cranky Kong''': What makes you think you're worthy of fighting alongside the greatest army in the world? :''[All the guards tap their weapons to the ground]'' :'''Peach''': Because we have heart. And with your strength, we can win. :'''Cranky Kong''': Okay, fine. :'''Peach''': That's it? :'''Cranky Kong''': No, that's not it! The answer is No. Good bye! :'''Peach''': If the Mushroom Kingdom falls, the Jungle Kingdom is next. :'''Mario''': We're not leaving without your army. :''[Beat]'' :'''Cranky Kong''': Hahahahaha! Who is this guy? Oh, he makes me laugh. Hahahaha! All right, tough guy, you want my army so badly? Defeat my son in the Great Ring of Kong! :'''Peach''': Give us a second. ''[to Mario]'' This is a really, really bad idea! :'''Mario''': Well, do you have another way to save my brother? :'''Cranky Kong''': ''[pops up from the floor]'' Are you two done whispering? It's a little rude. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Donkey Kong enters the Great Ring of Kong; he dances to the DK Rap from "Donkey Kong 64", with the crowd cheering]'' :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[raps along] I'm D.K.! I'm Donkey Kong! :'''Young Kong''': Yeah! We love you! :'''Donkey Kong:''' Oh, yeah! ''[waves at his father]'' Hi, Dad! Hi! :'''Cranky Kong''': No. No! Don't do that! :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[dancing]'' Dad, wave back! :'''Cranky Kong''': Enough with the showboating! :'''Donkey Kong''': What do ya mean?! They like it! It's what they came here for! Dancin' pecs! ''[flexes his chest]'' :'''Cranky Kong''': ''[to crowd]'' Okay, simmer down! ''[the crowd still cheers]'' I said, "Simmer down!" ''[the crowd stops cheering]'' :'''Diddy Kong''': D.K.! D.K.! D.K.! D.K.! :'''Cranky Kong''': That means you, Diddy Kong! :'''Diddy Kong''': D.- ''[sits down]'' Sorry. :'''Cranky Kong''': Now, since I want this fight to last more than five seconds, I put power-ups around the arena. You're welcome, Mario! :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[smugly]'' I don't anything special to break every bone in your tiny body! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mario''': ''[turned into a cat]'' Oh, what? I'm a cat?! :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[laughs]'' You got the cat box! Oh, my - Ah! Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. ''[becomes serious]'' Now you die. ''[throws a punch at Cat Mario, who dodges]'' :'''Mario''': ''[to himself]'' Huh. I'm a cat! ''[counter-attacks]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mario''': ''[after defeating Donkey Kong]'' Had enough? :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[weakly]'' Not...even...close. ''[almost falls off the platform]'' :'''Mario''': ''[grabs Donkey Kong by his tie]'' I'll take that as a "Yes." :''[Donkey Kong falls, and Mario jumps on him; the Kongs in the crowd cheer and chant "Mario!"]'' :'''Toad''': Yes! That's my best friend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mario, Peach, Toad, and the Kong Army arrive on Rainbow Road]'' :'''Mario''': ''[laughs]'' Wahoo! :'''Peach''': Is there anything like this in your world? :'''Mario''': ''[yells]'' What? :'''Peach''': ''[louder]'' IS THERE ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN YOUR WORLD?! :'''Mario''': ''[laughs]'' No. We don't drive on rainbows. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peach''': NO! No, Mario! :'''Cranky Kong''': ''[gasps]'' No! No! ''[The flying Clown Cars starts snatching him and the Kongs away]'' Get your clown claws off of me! :'''Bowser''': ''[cackling]'' Goodbye, Mario. :'''Peach''': We have to get home. :''[From above Rainbow Road, Mario and Donkey Kong are falling]'' :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[throws debris]'' HEY! THIS IS YOUR FAULT! :'''Mario''': My fault?! You're the one who- :'''Donkey Kong''': Stop talking! I don't want the last thing I hear before I die to be your- ''[he and Mario crash into the ocean. Donkey Kong is knocked unconscious, but Mario manages to bring him up to the surface by pulling him by his tie. A large creature closes its jaws beneath them. They surface]'' :'''Donkey Kong''': Mario... you saved my life. :'''Mario''': Yeah, well...I won't tell anyone. But I don't know or remember what happened. :'''Donkey Kong''': No, thank you. Good, please don't. :'''Mario''': Okay. ''[hears bubbling sound from below]'' Uh...did you just...feel something? :''[The Maw-Ray rises up out of the water behind them. Mario and Donkey Kong scream and start swimming away]'' :'''Donkey Kong''': SWIM! :''[The Maw-Ray closes its jaws around them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bowser''': Princess Peach, brave as ever. ''[Kamek appears aside him]'' As you can see, I have the Super Star. :'''Peach''': If you're going to use it, use it now. ''[points her harpoon at Bowser]'' :'''Bowser''': No, Princess, I stole this star for us. I guess...love really makes a guy come out of his shell, heh-heh-heh. ''[beat; to Kamek]'' I told you that line wouldn't work! :'''Kamek''': You're doing great. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the Maw-Ray]'' :'''Donkey Kong''': So, this is the end; being slowly digested by an eel next to an idiot in overalls. :'''Mario''': Well, at least your brother isn't gonna die because of you. :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[crossing his eyes]'' At least you're not gonna die with your dad thinking you're a joke. :'''Mario''': ''[sullen]'' Yeah, well, my dad thinks I'm a joke, too. :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[sadly]'' Yeah? Well... ''[angrily]'' Your dad's right! :'''Mario''': You know what? I feel bad enough. Just, just leave me alone. :'''Donkey Kong''': I've never met your dad, but he sounds "brilliant". :'''Mario''': Just go in a corner and smash some stuff, smash monkey! :'''Donkey Kong''': ''[furiously throws a tire down, and slams his fists] I...AM...MORE...THAN A GUY...WHO SMASHES THINGS!!!!! :''[The Maw-Ray burps; they find the engines of Donkey Kong's racing cart, look at one another, and smile. Cut to them launching themselves out of the Maw-Ray's mouth]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey Kong''': Cool raccoon suit. :'''Tanooki Mario''': Really? :'''Donkey Kong''': Not at all. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Peach is about to marry Bowser]'' :'''Kamek''': Ah-he-he-hem. Dearly belov- ''[Peach punches him]'' Agh! :'''Bowser''': Huh? :''[All Koopas gasp]'' :'''Dry Bone''': Drama. :'''Peach''': You really thought I'd marry you? :'''Bowser''': Kinda. :'''Peach''': ''[without missing a beat]'' I'd never marry a monster. ''[powers up with Ice Flower, becoming Ice Peach]'' :'''Bowser''': ''[enraged] THEN WE ARE BREAKING UP RIGHT NOW! :''[They start fighting]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanooki Mario swoops down and catches Luigi before he can drop into the lava]'' :'''Luigi''': Huh? :'''Tanooki Mario''': Lu! :'''Luigi''': Mario?! ''[laughs]'' :'''Tanooki Mario''': I told ya! See? As long as we're together, everything is gonna be okay! :'''Luigi''': ''[laughs]'' Mario, why do you look like a bear? What is this? :''[Donkey Kong frees Cranky Kong from his cage]'' :'''Cranky Kong''': Ya did good, kid. Make your pecs dance, you deserve it. :'''Donkey Kong''': No time now, definitely later. :''[Bowser, trapped in ice, regains consciousness and sees Mario, Luigi, Peach, Toad, and Donkey Kong together; he breathes fire and sets his head free.]'' :'''Bowser''': ''[bellowing] LAUNCH THE BOMBER BILL, AND DESTROY THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM!!!! :''[Bomber Bill shoots out of the volcano-like opening in Bowser's Castle and speeds at Peach's Castle]'' :'''Peach''': No... :''[Tanooki Mario flies beside the Bomber Bill, trying to get its attention]'' :'''Tanooki Mario''': Hey, hey...Hey, over here! ''[tries hitting the Bomber Bill's side, to no effect. He tries pushing the Bomber Bill's front, but ends up with his back against its tip.]'' You asked for it! ''[smacks the Bomber Bill's eye with his tail. The Bomber Bill stops in mid-air, bending the flagpole on top of Peach's Castle, glaring at him]'' Heh. Hello. ''[the Bomber Bill chases him through the Mushroom Kingdom. He crashes through a large mushroom]'' Ow! ''[gets the Bomber crashing into two more large mushrooms, getting some of the last one in his mouth before spitting it out]'' Really?! ''[spots the Warp Pipe that first brought him to the Mushroom Kingdom]'' Follow me! ''[starts leading the Bomber Bill to the Warp Pipe]'' Come on. ''[gets the Bomber Bill flying straight into the Warp Pipe's direction and speeds up]'' Little closer. ''[gets as close as possible to the Warp Pipe without going in it and flies upward at the last second; in slow motion]'' Mamma mia! ''[normal speed; Bomber Bill is sucked into the Warp Pipe with great force, but it explodes after floating into the Warp Zone, creating a visible disturbance on the outside of the Mushroom Kingdom's Warp Pipe]'' Huh? :''[The Warp Pipe creates an explosion that throws Tanooki Mario against the wall of Bowser's Castle and powers him down. Mario falls before grabbing onto a ledge of Bowser's Castle. The Warp Pipe pulls Luigi, Peach, Toad, Bowser, and Donkey Kong in. Mario loses his grip on the ledge and is pulled after them]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Brooklyn, Mario sees a Star; Bowser gets up and sees Mario close to it]'' :'''Bowser''': ''[furiously enraged] MARIO!!!!! ''[Mario runs to the Star, but Bowser jumps in his way]'' You want this? ''[they fight]'' You ruined my wedding! [throwing things; Mario dodges]'' I was finally gonna be happy! ''[throws Mario at the car]'' Now you will suffer...LIKE ME! ''[throws a car at Mario, but he dodges and runs. Then Bowser chases Mario and whips him with this tail, sending him flying into Punch-Out! Pizzeria. Then he hides from Bowser]'' You thought you could stop me? You worthless, weak, little nothing. COME OUT AND FIGHT! Or are you too scared?! ''[Mario doesn't answer; arrogantly chuckles]'' Just when I thought. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mario''': Hey! Leave him alone! :'''Luigi''': Mario? :'''Bowser''': ''[releases Donkey Kong]'' You just don't know when to quit! :'''Mario''': Yeah, I've been told that before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mario and Luigi defeat Bowser with the Super Star; they, Peach, and Donkey Kong approach Bowser]'' :'''Bowser''': Peaches. ''[chuckles nervously]'' Uh, listen, this is not the way I pictured it, but give me one more chance. :'''Peach''': Ew, no. ''[brings out the Mini Mushroom]'' :'''Bowser''': No-no-no-no-no-! ''[Peach stuffs a Mini Mushroom into Bowser's mouth, causes him to shrink; in a high-pitched voice]'' Hey! Hey! That is not cool! :'''Donkey Kong''': Ha! He got the Blue Mushroom! :''[Toad puts Bowser into a jar]'' :'''Mario''': See? Told ya I'd get you a pet turtle. :'''Peach''': ''[giggles]'' Not bad, mustache. And Luigi, you're so brave. :'''Luigi''': Oh, thanks. ''[chuckles]'' Yeah, it's kind of my thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines in mid-credits; Bowser is singing the reprised "Peaches" song in a big bird cage]'' :'''Bowser''': ♪ Mario, Luigi and a Donkey Kong, too / A thousand troops of Koopas couldn't keep me from you / Princess Peach, at the end of the line / I'll make you mine / Oh, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches / Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches / I love you / Oh- ♪ :'''Toad Guard''': Hey! Quiet in there! Lights out, little guy. ''[taps the bird cage with his weapon]'' :'''Bowser''': ''[enraged; in high-pitched voice] HEY! YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I AM BOW-!! [The Toad Guard slams the door with screen cuts to black; sighs]'' ==Cast== * [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] — [[w:Mario|Mario]] * [[w:Anya Taylor-Joy|Anya Taylor-Joy]] — [[w:Princess Peach|Princess Peach]] * [[w:Charlie Day|Charlie Day]] — [[w:Luigi|Luigi]] * [[Jack Black]] — [[w:Bowser|Bowser]] * [[w:Keegan-Michael Key|Keegan-Michael Key]] — [[w:Toad (Nintendo)|Toad]] * [[w:Seth Rogen|Seth Rogen]] — [[w:Donkey Kong (character)|Donkey Kong]] * [[w:Fred Armisen|Fred Armisen]] — Cranky Kong * [[w:Sebastian Maniscalco|Sebastian Maniscalco]] — Foreman Spike * [[w:Charles Martinet|Charles Martinet]] — Mario's Dad, Giuseppe * [[w:Kevin Michael Richardson|Kevin Michael Richardson]] — Kamek * [[w:Rino Romano|Rino Romano]] — Uncle Tony * [[John DiMaggio]] — Uncle Arthur * Juliet Jelenic — Lumalee * [[w:Jessica DiCicco|Jessica DiCicco]] — Mario's Mom, Plumbing Commercial Woman, [[w:Pauline (Nintendo)|Mayor Pauline]], Yellow Toad, Luigi's Bully, Baby Peach * [[w:Khary Payton|Khary Payton]] — The Penguin King * [[w:Eric Bauza|Eric Bauza]] — Diddy Kong, Toad General * [[w:Scott Menville|Scott Menville]] — Koopa General, Red Toad ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} *{{IMDb title|7634766|The Super Mario Bros. Movie}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2023 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2023 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated science fiction films]] [[Category:Animated films based on video games]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Animated films about princesses]] [[Category:Animated films about gorillas]] [[Category:Animated films about turtles]] [[Category:Animated films about twin brothers]] [[Category:Animated films set in Brooklyn]] [[Category:Films set in New York]] [[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films about size change]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Remake animated films]] [[Category:Reboot animated films]] [[Category:Mario (franchise)]] [[Category:Films directed by Aaron Horvath]] p142hzs57mkkj1a4z7g9o4qtua0ufwq 0 257769 3944458 3942825 2026-05-23T13:32:28Z Saroj 2925457 −[[Category:Women singers]]; ±[[Category:Singers from Sweden]]→[[Category:Women singers from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944458 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:2023 Loreen (cropped)03.JPG|220px|thumb|right|Loreen in 2023]] '''[[:w:Loreen (singer)|Lorine Zineb Nora Talhaoui]]''' (born [[October 16|16 October]] [[1983]]) known professionally as '''Loreen''' (IPA: [lɔˈreːn]), is a Swedish singer and songwriter. Representing Sweden, she won the Eurovision Song Contest in 2012 and 2023 with her entry "Euphoria", which topped the charts in numerous European countries. {{People-cleanup}} == Quotes == * [On what she thinks is most special and unique about Eurovision]: Well, it's because we don't have that many communities where everybody is accepted, regardless of your sexuality, religious background, or color. As long as you come in with love and respect for one another, you're welcome. ** Louis Staples. "[https://web.archive.org/web/20230512010410/https://www.rollingstone.com/tv-movies/tv-movie-features/loreen-eurovision-song-contest-2023-sweden-queen-make-history-tattoo-euphoria-liverpool-1234732866/ Loreen: Sweden's Eurovision Queen Is Ready to Make History]", rollingstone.com, 11 May 2023. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Loreen}} [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Music producers from Sweden]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1983 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Stockholm]] [[Category:Women born in the 1980s]] [[Category:Women singers from Sweden]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] 5c0gn4mjrtckp3m9w4uxu17gcimsg65 0 263312 3944630 3933709 2026-05-23T22:09:40Z GrimRob 1187925 typos 3944630 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Tom Brokaw by David Shankbone.jpg|thumb|Any journalist would be flattered to have his or her work become a catalyst for reflection and examination, but I have no illusion about my personal role in all this. I was merely the reporter, the vehicle for people's stories and the lessons they contained.]] '''[[w:Tom Brokaw|Thomas John Brokaw]]''' (/ˈbroʊkɔː/; born February 6, 1940) is an American retired network television journalist and author. He first served as the co-anchor of [[w:Today (American TV program)|''The Today Show'']] from 1976 to 1981 with [[w:Jane Pauley|Jane Pauley]], then as the anchor and managing editor of ''[[w:NBC Nightly News|NBC Nightly News]]'' for 22 years (1982–2004). In the previous decade he served as a weekend anchor for the program from 1973 to 1976. He is the only person to have hosted all three major [[w:NBC News|NBC News]] programs: ''The Today Show'', ''NBC Nightly News'', and, briefly, ''[[w:Meet the Press|Meet the Press]]''. He formerly held a special correspondent post for NBC News. Along with his competitors [[Peter Jennings]] at [[w:ABC News|ABC News]] and [[Dan Rather]] at [[w:CBS News|CBS News]], Brokaw was one of the "Big Three" U.S. [[w:news anchor|news anchor]]s during the 1980s, 1990s and early 2000s. [[File:Medal of Honor United States of America AEA Collections.jpg|thumb|When I was a young man in the 1950s, right after World War II, there was a special category of hero everyone in America recognized: the men who wore the distinctive ribbon and star of the [[Medal of Honor]]. In those years when the legacy of war and sacrifice, bravery and humility was a touchstone in every community, the very mention of the Medal of Honor was part of the secular liturgy, an ideal to be honored and always remembered.]] [[File:United we are strong. United we will win.jpg|thumb|There is no world war to fight today nor any prospect of one anytime soon, but racial discrimination remains an American cancer. There is no Great Depression, but economic opportunity is an unending challenge, especially in a high-tech world where education is more important than ever. Most of all, there is the need to reinstate the concept of common welfare in America, so that the nation doesn't squander the legacy of this remarkable generation by becoming a collection of well-defined, narrowly-cast, special-interest fiefdoms, each concerned only with its own place in the mosaic. World War II and what came after was the result of a nation united, not a nation divided.]] [[File:WorldWarIIVictoryMedal.jpg|thumbnail|When I set out to write ''The Greatest Generation'', I was inspired by these people and by the realization that my world of endless possibilities, despite all its imperfections, was the work of these men and women. By writing their stories, I had finally found a way to say thank you. I wanted that book to be my gift to them, an expression of admiration for all they had achieved, and for the legacy they passed on to future generations.]] == Quotes == [[File:East Custer, SD, USA - panoramio (12).jpg|thumb|On those trips back to the Great Plains I always try to imagine the land before it was touched by rails and plows, fences and roads. I can still drive off the pavement of South Dakota highways, find a slight elevation in the prairie flatness, and look to a distant horizon, across untilled grassland, and with no barbed wire or telephone poles or dwellings to break the plane of earth and sky.]] [[File:Adult bison and calf, Custer State Park, South Dakota (2009-08-25).jpg|thumb|It is at once majestic and intimidating. More than a century after the first white settlers began to arrive, the old Dakota Territory remains a place where nature rules.]] === 1990s === ==== ''[[w:The Greatest Generation (book)|The Greatest Generation]]'' (1998) ==== :<small>New York: Random House, hardcover.</small> * When I first came to fully understand what effect members of the World War II generation had on my life and the world we occupy today, I quickly resolved to tell their stories as a small gesture of personal appreciation. As I did that on television, at dinner parties, and in commencement speeches, it had the effect of a chain letter that no one wanted to disrupt. Everyone seemed to want to share their own stories of parents, other family members, or acquaintences who were charter members of this remarkable generation.<br>It rapidly became a kind of extended family, and with the encouragement of a number of friends I began to understand that this was a mother lode of material that deserved the permanence a book would represent. It was a daunting undertaking: because there are so many stories to tell and because the lives of these people are so special I didn't want to do anything in a book that would not live up to their deeds, heroic and otherwise. If I have failed them, it is entirely my fault. ** p. vii * Finally, to the men and women whose stories I did not get to, I am genuinely sorry, for I have loved them all. I hope you will tell them in their own way. To those families and friends of other members of the greatest generation, may I suggest you now begin to ask the questions and hear the stories that have been locked in memory for too long. ** p. ix * It is not surprising, I suppose, that the horrors of war give birth to a new generation of good Samaritans. Young men and women who have been so intensely exposed to such inhumanity often make a silent pledge that if they ever escape this dark world of death and injuries, this universe of cruelty, they will devote their lives to good works. Sometimes the pledge is a conscious thought. Sometimes it is a subconscious reaction to their experiences. ** p. 26 * There has never been a military operation remotely approaching the scale and the complexity of D-Day. It involved 176,000 troops, more than 12,000 airplanes, almost 10,000 ships, boats, landing craft, frigates, sloops, and other special combat vessels- all involved in a surprise attack on the heavily fortified northern coast of France, to secure a beachhead in the heart of enemy-held territory so that the march to Germany and victory could begin. It was daring, risky, confusing, bloody, and ultimately glorious.<br>It will live forever as a stroke of enduring genius, a military maneuver that, even though it went awry and spilled ashore in chaos, succeeded. It was so risky that before he launched the invasion, gambling that the small break in the weather would hold, General Dwight Eisenhower personally wrote out a statement taking full responsibility for the failure if it occurred. He was grateful he never had to release it. ** p. 26-27 * A new generation of Americans has a greater appreciation of what was involved on D-Day as a result of Steven Spielberg's stunning film ''Saving Private Ryan''. For most younger Americans, D-Day has been a page or two in their history books, or some anniversary ceremony on television with a lot of white-haired men leaning into the winds coming off the English Channel as President Reagan or President Clinton praised their contributions. ''Saving Private Ryan'', although a work of fiction, is true to the sound, the fury, the death, the terrible wounds of that day. ** p. 27 * "Hero" is a description tossed around lightly these days- like "star" or "celebrity"- another significant difference between the closing days of the twentieth century and the century's middle years, World War II. During the war the use of the phrase "You're a hero" was likely to bring on the quick rejoinder, "No, I'm not; I'm just doing my job here- like everyone else." The fighting men and women were so dependent on each other and shared so many common experiences they were embarrassed to be singled out.<br>Some acts of heroism, however, were so breathtakingly conspicuous, so daring and vital to the military mission, they could not be overlooked or turned aside. In many instances they changed forever the lives of those who were decorated. Others who were decorated returned to the lives they would have had without the medal and the attention.<br>If there is a common thread among the major medal winners, it is the same modesty expressed by Army nurse Mary Louise Roberts Wilson when she received the Silver Star. Almost to a person they have said to me, "I didn't ''win'' this medal. I merely accepted it for all the people who were with me." Nevertheless, they ''did'' win it, and the very qualities that led them to take great risks to save others served them well once they returned home. ** p. 103 * So Weinberger reported to MacArthur's headquarters in Brisbane, where he was a very junior officer on the staff of the legendary general. Nonetheless, he saw enough to have a full appreciation of MacArthur's brilliance. "I saw the plans for the invasion of Japan," Weinberger says. "The breadth and scope of MacArthur's brilliance. With very few troops, a couple of understrength divisions, and some Australian militia forces, he accomplished an enormous amount in the Pacific." The young intelligence officer also learned directly from MacArthur about judgment and decision making. Weinberger was on duty one night as American forces were moving on a small island, lightly occupied by the Japanese, to take it for a radio base. Suddenly, there were reports of a Japanese ship and Japanese aircraft in the vicinity. Weinberger thought he'd better take this information directly to MacArthur. "So I walked two blocks to his hotel," Weinberger remembers. "I got through the various security and gave him the message. He came out in his bathrobe, looking just as erect and imposing as he did in full uniform, that magnificent posture, deep voice. He looked the message over carefully and said, 'Well, Lieutenant, what do you think?' I said, 'General, I think it's a coincidence that they're there. They don't seem to have hostile intent. I would go ahead with the landing.' General MacArthur said, 'That's what I think, too. Good night.'" Weinberger walked back through the night to his post "in fear and trembling — to see if I was wrong or not. Fortunately, it worked out." ** Describing experiences of Caspar Weinberger, 15th U.S. Secretary of Defense, while he was an Army intelligence officer and a member of MacArthur's staff during World War II, p. 360 * There it is again, the selfless response so characteristic of members of this generation, now coming into their twilight years. To be sure, they have gotten used to the better life, including the so-called entitlements such as Medicare, Social Security cost-of-living increases, and senior-citizen discounts- but they retain at the core of their being a strong sense of self-reliance and gratitude.<br>There is a common theme of pride in all that they've accomplished for themselves, their families, and their country, and so little clamor for attention, given all they've done. The women and members of ethnic groups who were the objects of acute discrimination even as they served their country remember the hurt, but they have not allowed it to cripple them, nor have they invoked it as a claim for special treatment now. They're much more likely to talk about the gains that have been achieved rather than the pain they suffered.<br>They have given the succeeding generations the opportunity to accumulate great economic wealth, political muscle, and the freedom from foreign oppression to make whatever choices they like. For those generations, the challenges are much different, but equally important. ** p. 388 * '''There is no world war to fight today nor any prospect of one anytime soon, but racial discrimination remains an American cancer. There is no Great Depression, but economic opportunity is an unending challenge, especially in a high-tech world where education is more important than ever. Most of all, there is the need to reinstate the concept of common welfare in America, so that the nation doesn't squander the legacy of this remarkable generation by becoming a collection of well-defined, narrowly-cast, special-interest fiefdoms, each concerned only with its own place in the mosaic. World War II and what came after was the result of a nation united, not a nation divided.''' ** p. 388-389 * After talking to so many of them and reflecting on what they have meant in my own life, I now know that it is in these small ceremonies and quiet moments that this generation is appropriately honored. No fanfare is required. They've had their parades. They've heard their speeches. They know what they have accomplished, and they are proud. They will have their World War II memorial and their place in the ledgers of history, but no block of marble or elaborate edifice can equal their lives of sacrifices and achievement, duty and honor, as monuments to their time. ** p. 290 ==== ''The Greatest Generation Speaks'' (1999) ==== :<small>''The Greatest Generation Speaks: Letters and Reflections''. New York: Random House, first edition hardcover.</small> * ''To the men and women of the greatest generation with gratitude and admiration'' ** Dedication * This is a book crafted by many memories, youthful insights, and the wisdom that come with seasons of despair and triumph. It is, most of all, another tribute to the men and women who rode the teacherous currents and sailed with the fair winds of most of the twentieth century. ** p. xv * I am a child of the American men and women who grew up in the Great Depression, who came of age in World War II and then devoted their adult years to the building of modern America- the remarkable people I wrote about in ''The Greatest Generation''. As I walked the beaches of Normandy on the fortieth and fiftieth anniversaries of D-Day, I first began to fully realize how they had shaped my life. They were my parents and the parents of my friends, teachers, ministers, physicians, and hometown merchants, the men and women who showed me the way through their own exacting standards of hard work, sacrifice, and personal responsibility. I began to understand how much I owed them. ** p. xix * '''When I set out to write ''The Greatest Generation'', I was inspired by these people and by the realization that my world of endless possibilities, despite all its imperfections, was the work of these men and women. By writing their stories, I had finally found a way to say thank you. I wanted that book to be my gift to them, an expression of admiration for all they had achieved, and for the legacy they passed on to future generations.'''<br>Of course, I hoped that the book would be well-received by the people about whom I was writing. As for younger generations, I wasn't sure what to expect. So many of the people I talked with from the World War II generation told me their kids weren't much interested in hearing about the Depression, the war, the sacrifices of the fifties. As for their grandchildren- a generation coming of age in a time of personal computers, digital video, and unprecedented prosperity- to them, stories about the Great Depression and World War II were like grainy black-and-white images in dusty schoolbooks or on late-night television. Wouldn't stories about people's lives during the 1930s, 1940s, and 1950s seem like ancient history to a thirtysomething or to a teenager shaping a life for America and the world in the twenty-first century?<br>And so the enthusiastic response to ''The Greatest Generation'' has been not only a pleasant surprise, but also deeply gratifying in ways I could never have predicted. From what people say to me on the street and write in letters, some of which appear in this book, ''The Greatest Generation'' seems to have inspired within many families, communities, schools, and even corners of the political arena a reevaluation of the past, and a dialogue about the core values of that time and of the present. ** p. xx-xxi * My favorite reaction to ''The Greatest Generation'', however, is expressed to me in unexpected moments- on a ski slope, in the airport, on a street in New York, in the Pentagon. Men about my age- cops, business executives, military men, construction workers- grab my hand, look me in the eye, and say, "I read your book. Thank you for helping me understand my father." Then they turn and walk away.<br>'''Any journalist would be flattered to have his or her work become a catalyst for reflection and examination, but I have no illusion about my personal role in all this. I was merely the reporter, the vehicle for people's stories and the lessons they contained.''' So many veterans said of their service during the war, "It was an honor," and I feel in turn it was an honor to have written about the people in that book. ** p. xxi * If we are to heed the past to prepare for the future, we should listen to these voices of a generation that speaks to us of duty and honor, sacrifice and accomplishment. I hope more of their stories will be preserved and cherished as reminders of all that we owe them and all that we can learn from them. ** p. xxii * This has been a deeply satisfying personal journey for me. Reading the letters, hearing the stories, and sharing the emotional themes was a familial experience, intimate and nurturing. In this age of electronic communication overload, there is something reassuring and eloquent about a single voice speaking in direct, honest, and sometimes painful fashion about a passage when time was measured day by difficult day.<br>In a time of conspicuous self-indulgence, it is comforting to be absorbed in the lives of others who are selfless and grateful for whatever they have. Even those who were unhappy with oversights in ''The Greatest Generation'' made their points quietly and respectfully. ** p. 233 === 2000s === ==== ''A Long Way From Home'' (2002) ==== :<small>''A Long Way From Home: Growing Up in the American Heartland''. New York: Random House. All quotes are from the 2002 first hardcover edition.</small> * Over the years, as I've shared stories of my South Dakota boyhood and family history, friends have often said, "When are you going to write that in a book?", an idea I have successfully resisted until now. I worried that such a book could be seen as simply an exercise in vanity, rather than as what I hoped it would be, an attempt to document the manner in which I was raised in the America of the post-World War II years. I wanted to get beyond an anchorman's inflated sense of self-importance (an oxymoron?) and express my gratitude to the people who raised me, and to the character of life in the American heartland from which I have drawn so much. In any case, this is a book about my life until the age of twenty-two, when I left South Dakota.<br>One of the perils of embarking on such a book is that the prism through which you have looked back on your own life gives off a certain rosy tint. I have tried to avoid that, but it is also true that I grew up as a congenital optimist at a time when everything seemed possible in America, especially for a white male, and among people accustomed to difficult challenges, hard work, and productive results. I am also aware that I happened to be born in the right place at the right time, and to the right set of parents, who did not limit my dreams of a different kind of life. ** p. ix-x * When I sent this book to my mother for her comments and corrections, she wrote back to say, "In some parts your ego is showing, bu mostly it's fine." Forty years after I left home for the last time, she still has my number. ** p. xii * In 1962, I put my home state of South Dakota in a rearview mirror and drove away. I was uncertain of my final destinatin but determined to get well beyond the slow rhythms of life in the small towns and rural culture of the Great Plains. I thought that the influences of the people, the land, and the time during my first twenty-two years of life were part of the past. But gradually I came to know how much they meant to my future, and so I have returned often as part of a long pilgrimage of renewal.<br>When I do return, my wardrobe and home address are New York, my job is high-profile, and my bank account is secure, but when I enter a South Dakota cafe or stop for gas, I am just someone who grew up around here, left a while back, and never really answers when he's asked, "When you gonna move back home?" I am caught in that place all too familiar to small-state natives who have moved on to a rewarding life in larger arenas: I don't want to move back, but in a way I never want to leave. I am nourished by every visit. ** p. 3 * '''On those trips back to the Great Plains I always try to imagine the land before it was touched by rails and plows, fences and roads. I can still drive off the pavement of South Dakota highways, find a slight elevation in the prairie flatness, and look to a distant horizon, across untilled grassland, and with no barbed wire or telephone poles or dwellings to break the plane of earth and sky. It is at once majestic and intimidating. More than a century after the first white settlers began to arrive, the old Dakota Territory remains a place where nature rules.''' ** p. 5 * It is not lost on me that all of my good fortune in life and my career would have been neutralized at the outset if my skin had been a few shades darker. I would not have gotten that first job in Omaha or the second one in Atlanta two and a half years later. There were no people of color working in the newsrooms of either city in the early and mid-1960s. In the network newsrooms, where the battle for civil rights was the defining issue in the early days of Huntley-Brinkley and Walter Cronkite, racial diversity was at best a notion.<br>When America first began to seriously confront racial inequalities in the sixties, mobilized by the courage and eloquence of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and his equally brave and determined followers, I naively believed we would cure the cancerous effects of racism in my lifetime. I now know that is not true. Race remains a central issue in the evolution of our political, economic, and cultural environment. It continues to haunt me personally; I am grateful that my formative years in the mostly white environment of the upper Midwest sharpened my sensibilities about the inequities and complexities of race for the rest of my life. ** p. 206 * On the morning of September 11, 2001, I could see great black clouds of smoke rising into the late-summer sky shortly after the first airliner hit the World Trade Center. I was dressing hurriedly, having been summoned to my office to cover what we initially thought was a small plane accident.<br>It was not, of course. For the next two weeks I would return home late at night and stare numbly south to a skyline now framed by the sulfurous glow rising from lower Manhattan, where powerful work lights illuminated the site of the attack. The attack and all of its consequences had taken over my professional life and profoundly affected my personal compass. After residing in New York for more than a quarter of a century, and becoming deeply involved in the longitude and latitude of city life, I had begun to take my attachment to the city for granted. After September 11, I could feel a visceral bonding with my adopted home.<br>The events of September 11 were also a reminder of the innocence of my childhood in South Dakota in the forties and fifties. I have taken to saying that when I was a young man and thinking I might want to become a journalist, I used to worry that all of the big events had already happened. When John F. Kennedy was assassinated during my first year in a newsroom, my naivete was shattered, and for the next forty years I have been a traveler on a landscape of great, wrenching change. ** p. 232 * The world in which I work and live is a long way from home, but the early bearings I took as a child on the prairie, surrounded by working people and the communities they established, often in difficult circumstances, have been a steadying and reassuring presence. They are familiar markers and sentinels, useful and reliable even now, forty years after I left the land and the people that launched me. ** p. 233 ==== "A Special Category of Hero" (2003) ==== * '''When I was a young man in the 1950s, right after World War II, there was a special category of hero everyone in America recognized: the men who wore the distinctive ribbon and star of the Medal of Honor. In those years when the legacy of war and sacrifice, bravery and humility was a touchstone in every community, the very mention of the Medal of Honor was part of the secular liturgy, an ideal to be honored and always remembered.''' ** ''Medal of Honor: Portraits of Valor Beyond the Call of Duty'' (2003), by Peter Collier (text) & Nick Del Calzo (photographs), New York: Artisan, October 2006 second edition, p. x * I have learned from the MOH recipients invaluable and common lessons. They have an enduring humility about their heroic acts, almost always saying, "I'd rather talk about my buddy who didn't come back." They represent the fundamental fabric of America ethnically, geographically, and economically. They come in all sizes. My friend Jack Jacobs, a Vietnam-era MOH recipient, is a bantamweight. The late Joe Foss looked as if he could be a middle linebacker until the day he died in his mid-eighties. Bob Bush lost an eye on Okinawa, but he sees reality twice as well as anyone I know.<br>Over the years I've been privileged to attend any number of big deals, from presidential summits to state dinners to royal weddings, World Series, Super Bowls, and Broadway openings, but nothing means as much to me as the time I've spent with the Medal of Honor recipients, many of whom you will read about in this book. They always make me laugh, make me cry, and, most of all, make me proud that we're fellow citizens. ** ''Medal of Honor: Portraits of Valor Beyond the Call of Duty'' (2003), by Peter Collier (text) & Nick Del Calzo (photographs), New York: Artisan, October 2006 second edition, p. xi == Quotes about Brokaw == :<small>Alphabetized by author or source</small> [[File:Hendrickricky.jpg|thumb|Greatest generation my ass, Tom Brokaw is a punk! ~ ''[[Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby|Talladega Nights]]'']] * '''Tripp''': Saw your friend out front. Guy thinks he's Tom Brokaw.<br>'''Horatio''': If he's Tom Brokaw, I'm Elliot Ness. ** [[CSI: Miami (season 1)|''CSI: Miami'' (Season 1)]], Episode 18: ''Dispo Day'' * '''Greatest generation my ass, Tom Brokaw is a punk!''' ** ''[[Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby]]'' (2006), directed by Adam McKay, written by Adam McKay and Will Ferrell. Line said by the character Walker Bobby. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Brokaw, Tom}} [[Category:Broadcasters]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Journalists from South Dakota]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] [[Category:1940 births]] [[Category:Living people]] 4ucjf5r0102tlqya9kb6bjclosh9jht 0 263632 3944493 3942895 2026-05-23T13:49:17Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944493 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Glasto2023 (196 of 468) (53009413823) (cropped).jpg|thumb|right|Lizzo in 2023]] '''Melissa Viviane Jefferson''' (born April 27, 1988), known professionally as '''[[w:Lizzo|Lizzo]]''' ([[wikipedia:Help:IPA/English|/ˈlɪzoʊ/]]), is an American rapper and singer. Born in [[wikipedia:Detroit|Detroit]], [[Michigan]], she moved to [[Houston]], [[Texas]], with her family when she was ten years old. After college she moved to [[Minnesota|Minneapolis]], [[Minnesota]], where she began her recording career in [[wikipedia:Hip_hop_music|hip hop music]]. Before signing with [[wikipedia:Nice_Life_Recording_Company|Nice Life Recording Company]] and [[wikipedia:Atlantic_Records|Atlantic Records]], Lizzo released two studio albums, ''[[wikipedia:Lizzobangers|Lizzobangers]]'' (2013) and ''[[wikipedia:Big_Grrrl_Small_World|Big Grrrl Small World]]'' (2015). Her first major-label [[wikipedia:Extended_play|EP]], ''[[wikipedia:Coconut_Oil_(EP)|Coconut Oil]]'', was released in 2016. == Quotes == * "And what ''I'm'' doing is stepping into my confidence and my power to create my own beauty standard. And one day that will just be ''the'' standard." ** [https://people.com/music/lizzo-women-changing-the-world-people-cover-story/ Lizzo on Blazing Her Own Path, Finding Her 'Power' and Shutting Down Body Shamers: 'I'm a Body Icon'] by Jason Sheeler . March 2, 2022. Retrieved 9/11/2023. * " I feel like women who are smaller aren't really given the opportunities to be body-positive or role models either because we've been conditioned to believe that women are using their bodies for the male gaze." ** [https://www.npr.org/2019/07/04/738474527/lizzo-on-feminism-self-love-and-bringing-hallelujah-moments-to-stage Lizzo On Feminism, Self-Love And Bringing 'Hallelujah Moments' To Stage] by Terry Gross. May 23, 2019. Retrieved 9/11/2023. * "You realize that people truly care about you and they’ll help you, and they don’t mind helping you." * "I take self-love very seriously. And I take it seriously because when I was younger, I wanted to change everything about myself" ** [https://www.elle.com/culture/music/a28912168/lizzo-interview-october-2019-elle-cover/ What the World Needs Now Is More Lizzo] by Allison Takeda. September 5, 2019. Retrieved 9/11/2023. * "I like to make music that you can use to motivate yourself, because I’m going to be singing that every single day on stage. I’m not trying to sing no curses in my life." * "I think that’s part of the prejudice lens that most human beings are kind of taught to build. Very judgmental. Everyone’s really mean to themselves and to others" * [https://nextmag.ca/lizzo-shares-life-lessons-with-rfq-in-exclusive-next-interview-as-music-icon-releases-great-new-album/ Lizzo is learning self-love, practicing hope, and making space to let everyone in] by Rayne Fisher-Quann. Retrieved 9/11/2023. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:1988 births]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:Women singers from the United States]] [[Category:Grammy Award winners]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Victims of cyberbullying]] [[Category:Shorty Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Video Music Award winners]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] pad5x4pvrq4utbc3ofc6e6xolg84kdg 0 266500 3944470 3431495 2026-05-23T13:43:00Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944470 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} [[File:Honorine Hermelin SPA3.jpg|thumb]] '''Honorine Hermelin''' (19 October 1886 – 4 September 1977) was a Swedish headteacher, magazine founder and feminist. == Quotes == * traces of romantic interest albeit they never formed an exclusive couple. This special relationship lasted for a long time ** https://www.skbl.se/en/article/HonorineHermelin == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Dead people]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] o8cr0q2alrykjza1h1zdq5zm5qfpi8k 0 266667 3944471 3864442 2026-05-23T13:43:06Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944471 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Zaida Catalán|Zaida Catalán]]''' (6 October 1980 – 12 March 2017) was a Swedish politician who was a member of the [[w:Green Party (Sweden)|Green Party]] and leader of the [[w:Young Greens of Sweden|Young Greens of Sweden]] between 2001 and 2005. She was known for her work in activism including environmental issues, animal rights, and human rights (including support of Sweden's sex purchase law; see [[w:Prostitution in Sweden|Prostitution in Sweden]]). {{Woman-stub}} {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * I won't back down. I am a politician you can count on. ** [https://www.thelocal.se/20090520/19566 "Zaida Catalán: Getting the vote out for a greener Europe"], ''The Local'' (20 May 2009) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT: Catalán, Zaida}} [[Category:Women politicians in Sweden]] [[Category:Environmentalists from Sweden]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists]] [[Category:1980 births]] [[Category:Women born in the 1980s]] [[Category:2017 deaths]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] gr5jidkdhofhjzvuy78gmh7m7ufpzc7 0 267590 3944813 3560078 2026-05-24T11:46:38Z Normantas Bataitis 3082321 made edits due to death 3944813 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Beverly Afaglo|Beverly Afaglo]]''' ([[28 May]] [[1983]] – [[24 May]] [[2026]]) was a Ghanaian actress and TV presenter. == Quotes == *Being married definitely slowed me down because some of the directors told me they couldn’t cast me for certain roles which I played previously because I’m a wife. I love that they give me such respect but as an actress, it is my duty to act irrespective of my marital status; so if I can perfectly play a role, I don’t see the reason why I should not be given the chance. **Selorm Tali, [https://www.pulse.com.gh/entertainment/celebrities/becca-was-loud-and-everywhere-but-childbirth-has-slowed-down-her-career-beverly/tnzts8y Becca was loud and everywhere but childbirth has slowed down her career - Beverly Afaglo], ''Pulse'', August 2, 2023. *Those people who overtook me whiles I’m home are also now looking for husbands to marry and give birth. That is how God works in his own way. How God works is different from every individual. **Dorcas Agambila, [https://www.pulse.com.gh/entertainment/celebrities/beverly-afaglo-says-colleagues-who-overtook-are-still-single-and-searching/tgnce9j 'Actresses who overtook me are desperately looking for husbands' – Beverly Afaglo], ''Pulse'', August 3, 2023. *It is not easy running a business in Ghana. People will sabotage you and getting workers is tough. People are always crying on social media about unemployment. It is all a lie because they don't need any job, they are lazy. The youth are lazy because they think that once you are born, you start walking...it is a process but without any experience, they expect so much. **[https://www.ghanaweb.com/GhanaHomePage/entertainment/The-youth-are-lazy-Beverly-Afaglo-shares-ordeal-1747739 The youth are lazy - Beverly Afaglo shares ordeal], ''Ghana Web'', April 12, 2023. *We were holding onto hope, thinking it will bounce back but it seems far-fetched, truth be told the industry is dead. I was having a conversation with one of my colleagues about the industry but in conclusion, we realized there is absolutely nothing happening towards reviving the industry. it is pretty worrying. **Reymond Awusei Johnson, [https://www.pulse.com.gh/entertainment/movies/the-movie-industry-is-really-dead-beverly-afaglo/0ce66lg The movie industry is really dead - Beverly Afaglo], ''Pulse'', August 6, 2023. *Celebrity marriage is just like any other marriage except that it is a bit more costly because both of you are in the limelight so a lot is expected from you than other families. **Jayne Buckman-Owoo, [https://www.graphic.com.gh/entertainment/showbiz-news/celebrity-marriages-are-costly-beverly-afaglo.html Celebrity marriages are costly -Beverly Afaglo], ''Graphic Online'', April 19, 2023. *I don't compare myself to anybody because at the end of the day, I'm grateful that when you mention Ghanaian actress, I'll be there. If not for that (marriage), I would have done a lot of things. I'm happy I got married; otherwise, I would have done a lot of things. I would have wasted my life because I was wild. It made me stop a lot of things, so it's good. **Dorcas Agambila, [https://www.pulse.com.gh/entertainment/celebrities/berevely-afaglo-says-getting-married-save-her-from-wasting-her-life/m33cs17 Marriage saved me from 'wasting my life' – Berevely Afaglo admits], ''Pulse'', August 3, 2023. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Afaglo, Beverly}} [[Category:1983 births]] [[Category:2026 deaths]] [[Category:Actresses from Ghana]] [[Category:Women born in the 1980s]] [[Category:Television presenters]] 1avruwytcru1d9q20otanhtty73sdn0 0 269820 3944494 3943939 2026-05-23T13:49:21Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944494 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ito Noe 2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Itō Noe}}]] '''{{w|Itō Noe}}''' (伊藤 野枝, January 21, 1895 – September 16, 1923) was a [[w:Japanese people|Japanese]] [[anarchism|anarchist]], [[w:social criticism|social critic]], author, and [[feminism|feminist]]. She was the editor-in-chief of the feminist magazine ''[[w:Bluestocking (magazine)|Seitō (Bluestocking)]]''. {{Author-stub}} == Quotes == * We have often heard the abuse that the ideal of [[anarchist communism]] is an unrealizable fancy. Everyone clings to the superstitious belief that [[autonomy]] cannot be achieved without the support of a {{w|central government}}. In particular, some [[socialists]] ... sneer at the “[[dream]]” of anarchism. Yet I have found that it is not a dream, but something aspects of which have been realized in the autonomy of the villages inherited from our ancestors. In some remote districts where there is no so-called “culture,” I have discovered a simple [[mutual aid]] ... and a social life based on mutual agreement. It is completely different from “administration” under central government, being a mutual aid organization generated by necessity and continued in parallel with the official administration since before the time when there was an “administrative organ.” ** ''[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/ito-noe-the-facts-of-anarchy The Facts of Anarchy]'' (1921). From Robert Graham (Ed.), Anarchism: A Documentary History of Libertarian Ideas; Volume One: From Anarchy to Anarchism (300 CE to 1939) * Egoistic urban life is intolerable to those accustomed to village life. Where there is no hope of success besides poverty, it is far more comfortable and warm to support each other under the protection of the association. ** ''[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/ito-noe-the-facts-of-anarchy The Facts of Anarchy]'' (1921). From Robert Graham (Ed.), Anarchism: A Documentary History of Libertarian Ideas; Volume One: From Anarchy to Anarchism (300 CE to 1939) == See also == * [[Ōsugi Sakae]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Noe Ito|Noe Itō}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Ito, Noe}} [[Category:1895 births]] [[Category:1923 deaths]] [[Category:Anarcha-feminists]] [[Category:Women authors from Japan]] [[Category:Free love advocates]] [[Category:Political authors from Japan]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from Japan]] [[Category:Social critics]] [[Category:Murdered people]] [[Category:Anarchists from Japan]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] eyp4vk7gc57k7lpvh2u6dp9gyulhng8 0 271238 3944746 3552679 2026-05-24T06:40:04Z ~2026-30918-53 3328638 /* Quotes */ 3944746 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Maria Andrejczyk 20190810.jpg|thumb|Maria Andrejczyk]] '''[[w:Maria Andrejczyk|Maria Magdalena Andrejczyk]]''' (9 March 1996 –) is a Polish track and field athlete who competes in the [[w:javelin throw|javelin throw]]. {{sport-stub}} == Quotes == * Our parents brought us up in a deep Catholic faith. This faith is very important in my life. I think that everything happens according to God's plan. I pray before every competition. ** [https://aleteia.org/2021/08/20/polish-olympian-auctions-off-silver-medal-to-pay-for-toddlers-operation/ Polish Olympian auctions off silver medal to pay for toddler’s operation (20 August 2021) ''Aleteia''] (loosely translated) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Andrejczyk, Maria}} [[Category:1996 births]] [[Category:Catholics from Poland]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Track and field athletes]] [[Category:Sportspeople from Poland]] e1bf7ijs5n62pk7m0nnx4ffekx30jy4 0 272037 3944814 3923920 2026-05-24T11:50:13Z ~2026-31045-16 3328806 /* The Fan [3.02] */ 3944814 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} :'''Seasons''': [[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 1)|1]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 2)|2]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 3)|3]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 4)|4]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 5|5]]/[[The Amazing World of Gumball (season 6)|6]] | [[The Wonderfully Weird World of Gumball]] | [[The Amazing World of Gumball|Main]] ---- '''''[[w: The Amazing World of Gumball|The Amazing World of Gumball]]''''' (2011–2019) is an animated television series created by Ben Bocquelet for Cartoon Network. The series revolves around the lives of 12-year-old Gumball Watterson, a blue cat, and his goldfish best friend—adoptive brother 10-year-old Darwin, who attends middle school in the fictional city of Elmore. ===The Kids [3.01]=== ===The Fan [3.02]=== :''[Sarah begins singing while recording a video, showing various scenes of Sarah stalking Gumball and Darwin throughout their lives]'' :'''Sarah''': ''For a very long time, I've watched you from afar'' :''Hunched in your closet or strapped beneath your car'' :''I treasured all the stories the three of us share'' :''Wherever you are I'll always be there'' :''When you were alone, I was there too'' :''Behind the shower curtain that you never knew'' :''I dressed in your clothes and breathed in your air'' :''I watched you both sleep and nuzzled your hair'' :''It helps that your bedroom has places to hide'' :''And the windows don't lock, so I can get inside'' :''I've waited so long to be a part of your life'' :''And one day one of you will call me his wife!'' :''[The video ends, and the scene cuts to a horrified Gumball and Darwin in the classroom. They have watched it on the school TV, which Gumball turns off. Gumball and Darwin then scream incomprehensible nonsense to each other for several seconds]'' :'''Gumball''': ''[talks normally]'' I think we need to have a reasonable conversation with this young lady. ===The Coach [3.03]=== :''(The scene opens on Gumball and Darwin outside of the nurse's office as Gumball knocks on the door.)'' :'''Darwin''': Are you sure this is going to work? Because I ''really'' don't want to go to gym class. :''(Gumball's leg kicks him in the face.)'' :'''Gumball''': My legs are trying to kick my brain for just thinking about it! But don't you worry. Today's the day the plan works! :'''Darwin''': But it's already gone wrong so many times. Maybe we should just accept our fate and go to gym class. :''(Gumball's leg kicks Darwin in the shin.)'' :'''Darwin''': Ow! :'''Gumball''': Don't say that out loud! You're making them angry! Just let me handle this. :''(Joan answers the door.)'' :'''Joan Markham''': ''(sighs)'' Watterson.... No, I haven't lost weight. No, I haven't done something new with my hair. No, you don't have the bubonic plague. No, you can't have a second opinion on that. Therefore, no, you cannot get a note to skip gym class. :''(Gumball's leg kicks his face again.)'' :'''Joan Markham''': What was ''that''? :'''Gumball''': Don't worry about it. {{line}} :'''Gumball''': ''(muffled, via subtitles)'' You apologized. :'''Jamie''': Yeah, whatever, you better shut up if you don't want Mr. and Mrs. Pain to invite you to dinner! They only serve filet-o-fist! :'''Gumball''': [Twists his jaw back] It's fine. You can let that anger go, Jamie. You touched our hearts yesterday. :'''Jamie''': Oh, I'll touch your heart--with my fist! :'''Gumball''': That's...quite a vivid image, but we understand. You don't have to be a bully anymore. Coach saw what we were all too blind to see, that you're really a sweet, kind, orange...thing with, uh, a hat...or a wig or some kind of a helmet...and horns that we're proud to call our friend. :'''Jamie''': ''[throws Gumball in Darwin’s mouth]'' I am not anyone's friend! The only friends I need are Grandma and Grandpa Fist, and they don't give candy. I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna do something so bad, it'll go down in '''SCHOOL HISTORY!''' :'''Gumball''': We really need to work on Jamie's hugging technique. {{line}} :'''Gumball''': You don't really think Jamie will do anything bad, do you? :'''Darwin''': Well, just because she fed Anton to the ducks... ''[Flashback of said moment briefly plays]'' Or that she chewed Teri's own body to spit it back in her face... ''[Flashback of said moment briefly plays]'' Or that she ate a little bit of Sarah and Banana Joe... ''[Flashback of said moment briefly plays]'' :'''Gumball''': ''(scared)'' Dude, stop! I can't take any more horrible flashbacks! :'''Darwin''': But people change. Just because she did all that doesn't mean ''[sees Jamie]'' that she's capable of climbing into the back of a teacher's car to''[Becomes very startled and fearful]'' '''DO SOMETHING SO BAD THAT IT'LL GO DOWN IN SCHOOL HISTORY!''' ===The Joy [3.04]=== :'''Gumball''': It’s Monday. ===The Puppy [3.05]=== :'''Darwin''': At least he passed away peacefully. :'''Gumball''': Yeah, like a peaceful, evil raisin. :''[The kids and Richard are giving the turtle a funeral]'' :'''Darwin''':''[Sniffles]'' Before we say goodbye to our beloved family pet, Evil Turtle, I think we should all say a few words to let him know how much he meant to us. :'''Gumball, Anais and Richard''': Hmmm. :'''Darwin''': I'll always think fondly of the way he put fear into my heart. :'''Gumball, Anais and Richard''': Hmmm. :'''Anais''': Every time I stare down at the scar tissue on my hand, I'll think of him. :'''Gumball and Darwin''': Hmmm. :'''Richard''': Only once in your lifetime, does something touch your heart in the way that... awesome store did! ''[Sobs in his hands]'' :'''Gumball''': Dad, you gotta move on. :'''Anais''': Gumball, do you have anything you like to add? :'''Gumball''': Yeah, er.... I'll miss his.... you know the funny way he... the thing he... I got nothing. :'''Darwin''': ''[Drops the dead turtle into the trash bag]'' All of this because we couldn't take care of him. :''[Darwin cries over the turtle and a single drop falls on the turtle who immediately recovers and hisses at them, scaring Gumball]'' :'''Darwin''': He was revived by my tear! :'''Gumball''': ''IT FEEDS ON MISERY!!!'' :''[The turtle climbs out and crosses the road away from the Wattersons, hissing and snarling furiously]'' :'''Darwin''': Somebody save him, he could get hurt! :''[The Turtle moves into the path of a speeding car in which the car crashes into pieces and the turtle was unharmed and unfazed by the impact]'' :'''Anais''': Forget saving the turtle, we need a plan to save the neighborhood. {{line}} ''(At a swamp, Gumball is tied to a tree with tape---in his underwear.)'' :'''Gumball''': Why am ''I'' the bait? :'''Darwin''': ''(comes out of a bush)'' Because you're the one he loves biting the most! :'''Gumball''': Alright, but why am I not allowed to wear clothes? :'''Darwin''': Because he could choke on them. :''(Darwin pops in and then out of his hiding spot and decorates Gumball's head with leaves.)'' :'''Gumball''': What was ''that'' for? :'''Darwin''': Presentation. It's important. :'''Gumball''': What?? :'''Anais''': Shh! Just remember to let it get as close as possible to give me a chance to catch it! :'''Darwin''': Just make sure you don't hurt him, okay? He's only a small little guy and there's three of... :''(Darwin suddenly falls as he is heard gasping.)'' :'''Gumball''': .....Darwin? Are you ok? :''(Gumball nervously checks his environment as looks around. He then hears splashing water.)'' :'''Gumball''': Dude, is that you?... Hello? Is anyone there? :''(A pair of malicious eyes poke out of the swamp. Gumball gapes before the turtle rushes out to him while hissing, scaring Gumball and forcing him to free himself!)'' :'''Gumball''': '''I CAN'T FIND THE EDGE!!!''' :''(The evil turtle closes in, but Gumball manages to free himself, though losing his fur from the tape, and runs away, with the turtle in pursuit.)'' :'''Anais''': Wait, what about the bowl?! :'''Gumball''': <big>'''WHAT ABOUT ''MY'' BUTT?!?!?'''</big> {{line}} (Before the monster turtle could come any closer, Anais traps it in the bowl.) :'''Anais''': Well, I guess there's no getting rid of it. We'll have to keep it for as long as it lives. :'''Nicole''': How long ''do'' they live? :'''Anais''': '''130 years.''' ===The Recipe [3.06]=== ===The Name [3.07]=== :'''Gumball''': (Gumball's sweat pours out and Gumball's organs are crying.) I'm weak. <hr width='50%'> :'''Nicole''': (to Gumball) Your real name is Zach. <hr width='50%'> :'''Red Construction Man''': (to Gumball as Zach) Hey, kid, get in line like everyone else! :'''Crocodile Woman''': (to Gumball as Zach/Darwin) You've got 3 seconds to move or I'll bingo-wing you. :'''Red Construction Man''': (to Gumball as Zach/Darwin): Get back in the line. :'''Darwin''': (to Gumball as Zach) aah, dude, you can say sorry to these people before they get heavy items at the bottom of the car?! <hr width='50%'> :'''Darwin''': (to Gumball as Zach) NO, WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! <hr width='50%'> :'''Darwin''': (to Gumball as Zach) No wait! :'''Crocodile Woman''': (to Gumball as Zach/Darwin) I warned you. ===The Extras [3.08]=== ===The Gripes [3.09]=== :'''Alan''': (to the crowd) THESE CHILDREN NEED HEEEEELP! <hr width='50%'> :'''Banana Bob''': THEY LIED TO UUUUUUS! <hr width='50%'> :'''Gumball''': we (Gumball/Darwin) DIDN'T LIE! (to Darwin) We're mega poor, right, Darwin?! :'''Banana Bob''': (to Gumball/Darwin) PROVE IIIIIIT! <hr width='50%'> :'''Gumball''': EVERYBODY, LISTEN, I think we all learned a very important lesson today and this lesson is...don't complain, be happy with what you got! no, that's.... uh, quite right?! uh, be careful of what you say! nah, no, that's not it either uh, don't jump to conclusions, no, no, don't try to be something you're... not... 'cause uh,... be yourselves?! I don't know, man... maybe the lesson is sometimes, some people do stuffy, things happen and it kind of goes nowhere, anyway, thanks for the check bye! ===The Vacation [3.10]=== :'''Gumball''': MOM! WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE NOW!!!! :'''Nicole''': Yes, but about that, apparently the engine is... (glares at Richard) ''caramelized''. :'''Richard''': ''(gasps, then whispers)'' Caramelized.... ''(He looks at Nicole)'' Aw.... Mmm! :'''Nicole''': ''(groans)'' He can't fix it. We're stuck here. But, the good news is he says he'll have us for dinner! :''(Gumball and Darwin scream again from inside the car.)'' :'''Nicole''': Can you guys stop screaming every five minutes?! :''(The window rolls down, revealing the boys screaming silently.)'' :'''Gumball''': Actually, we're doing a silent scream. We need to save our voices for '''<big>WHEN HE EATS US!!!</big>''' :'''Anais''': You two are ridiculous. Scaring yourselves with narrow-minded assumptions about country people. :''(The old man suddenly picks up Anais.)'' :'''Old Man''': Big brain for such a small thing. ''(chuckles)'' I like that. :''(Frightened, Anais dashes into the car.)'' :'''Anais''': '''WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!''' :'''Nicole''': Alright, that's it! I only get five days off a year! ''(at Richard)'' We already wasted Christmas when you decorated the house with whipped cream instead of fake snow! :''(Flashback to Nicole entering the house at Christmastime)'' :'''Nicole''': Merry Christma--AAH! :''(Nicole slips on the whipped cream and is knocked unconscious. Richard and Anais are seen gorging on the cream.)'' :'''Richard''': Uh, how much cream did you eat? :'''Nicole''': Then, there was the Fourth of July... :''(In another flashback, the family is gathered in the backyard as Richard lights a firework.)'' :'''Nicole''': Be careful, Richard. :''(The lit firework launches, but it circles back down and crashes into the yard.)'' :'''Nicole''': Then your mother's visit... :''(In another flashback, Nicole is driving on the freeway with Granny Jojo alongside her. However, as the latter speaks, she gets increasingly annoyed.)'' :'''Granny Jojo''': After you drop me off at the mall, go to the grocery store and buy me a melon - not too hard, not too soft. Then, pick me up at 2:30. I have an appointment at a beauty parlor, and from the looks of it, you could do with a makeover yourself, then you need to-- :'''Nicole''': And let's not forget Halloween! :''(In one last flashback, Richard, in a wolf mask, surprises Nicole on Halloween. However, Nicole reacts by kicking him down the stairs!)'' :'''Nicole''': Richard? :'''Richard''': There's some liquid in my lungs! :(Back to the original scene...) :'''Nicole''': So I'm not going to ruin this by listening to your crazy assumptions! You said we were going camping, so WE <big>'''ARE GOING <big>CAMPING!!!!!!!!</big>'''</big> ===The Fraud [3.11]=== '''Maurecia''': I'm just so alone. ''[begins crying idiotically]'' ===The Void [3.12]=== ===The Boss [3.13]=== :''(At the Watterson house, Gumball and Darwin help Rocky apply for an office job.)'' :'''Gumball''': ''(typing on computer)'' "Office jobs..." :''(The computer shows the same results.)'' :'''Darwin''': All the options say, "Work at Chanax". :'''Rocky''': '''CHANAX?!''' They're the worst corporation on Earth! They pollute, they cut down the rainforest, their boss invented boy bands! '''''<big>THEY'RE PURE EVIL!!</big>''''' :'''Gumball''': They also invented cheese puffs. :'''Rocky''': Huh. Necessary evil, I guess. ===The Move [3.14]=== ===The Law [3.15]=== :'''Gumball''': I mean, why not drive with your eyes closed, and your hands in the air too?! :'''Donut Cop''': Ah, great idea! ''[Drives with eyes closed and hands in air]'' :''[Gumball then screams]'' :'''Donut Cop''': Whoohoo! :''[He drives on the wrong lane, and barely hits other cars and people going the opposite direction]'' :'''Darwin''': ''[Panicked]'' No! NO! He was trying to use reverse psychology! :'''Donut Cop''': Did someone say reverse?! :''[The sheriff reverses the car, and drives backwards. The car flies off a speed bump, and a speed camera takes a snapshot of the car's bottom. They continue driving, no longer reversed. Gumball takes his paws with claws stuck on the dashboard off it]'' :'''Gumball''': Please, I'm begging you. Someone's going to get hurt unless you stop breaking the law! :'''Donut Cop''': Don't worry kid, nothing can happen. '''<big>I ''AM'' THE LAW!</big>''' ''[Laughs hysterically]'' :''[He speeds up the car. Then spotting a baby carriage and the Crocodile Woman in the middle of the road, he steps on the brakes and screeches to a halt. The car stops in time, but bumps the carriage. This sends a piece of trash flying from the baby stroller]'' :'''Gumball''': Oh, thank gosh it's the old stroller-full-of-trash trick. :''[The piece of trash hits a live baby in another stroller from a distance, making it cry]'' ===The Allergy [3.16]=== ===The Mothers [3.17]=== : '''Banana Joe''': Your mom's aren't the superest, mine is! It's written right here. : '''Gumball''': Dude. Just because you wrote something, doesn't mean it's true. : '''Darwin''': What is it anyway? : '''Banana Joe''': What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a banana! :''[He shows his card. On it is "Superest mom" with a sad clown's face. No one says anything, and he puts his arm down]'' :'''Gumball''': Look, I don't want to break anyone's heart here, but at the max, your mom could be the superest in your neighborhood. :'''Darwin''': But sometimes Mrs. Mom drives down their street. :'''Gumball''': Oh, yeah, right. Superest mom in your house then, tops. ===The Password [3.18]=== :''(The episode opens in the kids' room, where the three sleep peacefully. However, once the alarm goes off, that peace fades as they wake up with devilish faces, ready to battle for control of the computer.)'' :'''Anais''': '''IT'S MY TURN!''' :'''Gumball''': No, it's mine! :''(The kids each impede each other on reaching the computer. As Gumball jumps into the chair, Darwin throws a cup full of pencils over the seat, forcing Gumball to land on the pencils' sharp edges, shedding a tear in pain.)'' :'''Gumball''': Good move, but I can take it. :''(Gumball turns the computer on, but the three discover it now needing a...)'' :'''Everyone''': Password?? :'''Darwin''': But who...? :''(The bedroom door is pushed closed by the surprise culprit - their father!)'' :'''Richard''': ''(deep voice)'' '''''I''''' '''DID IT!''' :'''Gumball''': Were you standing behind that door all night for dramatic effect? :'''Richard''': No. :'''Darwin''': Then why does it look like your bladder's about to explode? :''(Richard is then seen holding in his pee severely.)'' :'''Richard''': You kids spend too much time on that thing. You should be playing outside. :'''Gumball''': Why do I have the feeling you sound like Mom right now? :'''Richard''': Uh... ''(Nicole's arm appears holding a note.)'' "Your mother has nothing to do with this. I take full responsibility for being the bad cop this time. Read this or you sleep on the couch tonight." ===The Procrastinators [3.19]=== (The episode opens on a close-up of Gumball and Darwin) :'''Darwin''': Wait, what? :'''Nicole''': You are procrastinators. :'''Darwin''': What does that mean? :'''Gumball''': "Procrastinator". Derived from the Mexican word, ''Procratalamación'', which means "midnight snack", and the Viking word, ''astenator'', which means "puckered cheeks". It describes a person sitting on a sandwich in the dark. :''[Darwin sends a confused face at Gumball]'' :'''Gumball''': Of course I don't know, dude. You know how I use a dictionary... :''[A flashback shows a sleeping Richard and Gumball emerging behind the couch with a dictionary. He slams it shut, creating a loud boom that scares Richard, causing his heart to literally burst out of his chest. Gumball disgustedly escapes the scene.]'' :'''Anais''': A procrastinator is someone who always avoids their responsibilities by doing something else instead. :'''Gumball''': ''(laughs)'' That's ridiculous. :'''Nicole''': Gumball, you're such a procrastinator that you were four years old when you finished your first sentence. Even then, it was "I'll do it tomorrow." ===The Shell [3.20]=== :'''Gumball''': What the what? Y-you look… you look— :'''Penny'''​​​: What? Do I look bad? ''[She shape-shifts into a gremlin]'' :'''Gumball''': No! You look, uh— :'''Penny'''​​​: ''[Raspy voice]'' I look disgusting, don't I?! :'''Gumball''': No, Penny, I think you look— :'''Penny'''​​​: Don't look at me! ''[Deep voice]'' '''''I'M A MONSTER!''''' :''[Penny shape-shifts into an amorphous fist, breaks through the wall of Gumball's room, and flies away, now in the form of a gargoyle]'' :'''Gumball''': No, Penny, wait! You look… extraordinary. :'''Richard''': '''NO!''' It's a tragic misunderstanding that could have been really easily avoided if he just finished his sentence in time! :'''[Nicole slowly opens the door and the rest of the Wattersons rush into Gumball's room]'' :''[Gumball climbs down the ladder, going after Penny]'' :'''Gumball''': Penny, please wait! :'''Nicole''': Gumball! {{line}} :'''Patrick''': What the…? You came out of your shell. :'''Gumball''': ''[Laughs nervously]'' I know, she looks fantastic, right? :'''Patrick''': What have you done? You've turned her into a freak. :'''Gumball''': A freak…ishly beautiful young lady. ''[Laughs nervously]'' :'''Patrick''': She looks like a pig- :'''Gumball''': -ture of beauty. Ha ha, absolutely! :'''Patrick''': You turned my daughter into a monster! :'''Gumball''': -truck! Of... prettiness? :''[Penny shrieks as she transforms into a dragon]'' :'''Penny'''​​​: ''[Deep voice]'' Gumball, please tell my father that the monster's gone to '''''live in the forest,''''' with all the other beasts! ''[Flies away]'' :''[Gumball turns to Patrick, with an angry expression on his face]'' :'''Patrick''': What? :'''Gumball''': ''[Mockingly imitates Patrick]'' ''Ohh, I wonder why my daughter is upset after I called her a freaky pig monster!'' :''[Gumball hops on the hood of Patrick's car]'' :'''Gumball''': '''<big>''NOW, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO SHUT UP! ''</big>''' Think about what you've done! Do you realize you were wrong?! ''[Patrick nods]'' Good! But don't beat yourself up about it, '''''parenting''''' is hard! Now pop the hood! :''[Patrick pops the hood of his car, launching Gumball up into the sky, and onto Penny]'' :'''Gumball''': I'm not letting you leave! :'''Penny'''​​​: Gumball, no! You'll get hurt! :'''Gumball''': Ah! Look out! AAH! :''[A plane approaches them. They barely dodge it]'' :'''Gumball''': Penny! Go up go up GO UP! :'''Penny''': You're too heavy! :'''Gumball''': Aww, man! ===The Burden [3.21]=== ===The Bros [3.22]=== :'''Gumball''': What's your best dance move? :''[Darwin does his best dance move, sliding from side to side in his seat]'' :'''Darwin''': What's yours? :'''Gumball''': Cossack dance, but there's a problem with it. :'''Darwin''': What? :''[Gumball gets off of his seat, and dances. He repeatedly kicks himself in the face as he does so]'' :'''Gumball''': My torso's too short. :''[They both laugh. Gumball goes back to his seat]'' {{line}} :''[In the library, Gumball once again tries to propose to Penny. He emerges from behind a bookcase and walks up to her]'' :'''Gumball''': Penny, there's something I need to ask you. :'''Penny''': Actually, there's something I wanted to say as well. :'''Gumball''': I know. I totally feel what you feel. Let's say it at the same time. One. Two- :'''Penny''': We need some space. ''[Gumball gasps and makes a shocked face]'' It's just… until you guys work it out, I kinda feel bad ruining your relationship. You two have something special, you know. :''[Gumball, still shocked, screams as he runs off - without moving his legs. He screams and glides his way through the hallway, onto the bus, and back through his house until he arrives in his bedroom and finds Darwin waiting there. He is poorly dressed up like Penny]'' :'''Gumball''': Ugh. What are you doing? :'''Darwin''': Whatever it takes for you to still love me. Is it working? :'''Gumball''': If by working, you mean making me nauseous then- ''[Gags, then cries]'' But it doesn't matter anyway. Penny's left me! She didn't want to come between us, and it's all your fault! ''[Faceplants and sobs]'' :'''Darwin''': Uh…I didn't mean to come between you two. I-I-I just wanted to spend more time with you. I'm so sorry. Come here- ''[Darwin tries to reach out to Gumball, but Gumball avoids him]'' :'''Gumball''': Wait, this is creepy. ''[Sobbing loudly]'' But I really need a hug! ''[Darwin holds Gumball, and comforts him''] :'''Darwin''': There, there. :'''Gumball''': Is it weird that I love her so much it makes my ears sweat? :'''Darwin''': No, no. :'''Gumball''': Is it weird that I think about her all the time, even in the bathroom? :'''Darwin''': ''[Chuckles]'' No. :'''Gumball''': Is it weird that I bought a ring and I want to ask her to marry me? :'''Darwin''': Well, yeah. That's-that's completely weird. :'''Gumball''': Well, it doesn't matter now. It's all ruined! :'''Darwin''': No, it's not. What if I could give you the perfect setting, the perfect moment? :'''Gumball''': What do you mean? ''[Darwin begins dancing and imitating R&B music]'' :'''Gumball''': Stop it. That…that's weird. :'''Darwin''': Mm mm. Come on. :'''Gumball''': ''[Snickers]'' All right. ''[Joins in dancing with him]'' How are you gonna get a log cabin though? Or a lake? Or a chocolate fountain? And how are you gonna get her to come over? :'''Darwin''': Come on. Mm mm. ''[He starts dancing towards the door]'' Uh huh. Come on. ===The Mirror [3.23]=== :'''Gumball:''' (sighs) Come on, just say it. :'''Darwin:''' What? :'''Gumball:''' Well, I lost all my money, all my friends, and my girlfriend, so you were right to take that curse seriously. Come on, just say "I told you so." :'''Darwin:''' I don't know what you take me for, but I get no pleasure out of this. (reaching the house) Let's just hope our family is still there. :''[Gumball slowly opens the door]'' :'''Gumball:''' (nervously) Hello? Mom? Dad? :'''Darwin:''' (closes door) Told you so. :'''Gumball:''' (slapping Darwin) '''STOP, YOU'RE BEING HYSTERICAL!!!''' :''[Darwin slaps him back. Gumball also slaps back. They both keep slapping each other quickly before stopping]'' :'''Gumball:''' Okay, let's stop. This isn't very constructive. :'''Darwin:''' Exactly! We're doing this ''my'' way now. We're getting help--magical help. {{line}} :'''Darwin''': Why don't we just use the book to defend ourselves? :'''Gumball''': Great idea! :''(The Snatcher emerges, and Gumball hits him with the Forbidden Book to distract him.)'' :'''Darwin''': No, I mean use the spells inside! :'''Carrie''': Don't! The price to pay is too high! :'''Gumball''': Oh, we don't have a choice! ''(opens the book)'' There, a time-traveling spell. Let's just go through the night! ''Tempus future!'' :''(The spell speeds up the time flow to dawn.)'' :'''Gumball''': Haha! In your ''(suddenly turns old)'' faaaaace.... :''(Gumball walks to the microwave to see his elderly state.)'' :'''Gumball''': Agh! What happened?? ''(Carrie pulls him away before the Snatcher could catch him.) :'''Carrie''': The price for ''that'' spell was your youth. :'''Darwin''': Don't worry! There must be a spell to fix that. Here we are! ''Beauteus aeterna!'' :''(Gumball magically gets a facelift to fix his elderly face)'' :'''Gumball''': How do I look? :'''Carrie''': Eternally surprised. :''(The Snatcher appears again)'' :'''Gumball''': Look out! :''(Darwin gasps, but he suddenly shatters apart!)'' :'''Gumball''': What was that? :'''Carrie''': The price for eternal beauty is his life! :'''Gumball''': What?! ''(opens the book and finds a revival spell)'' ''Resurrectum mortis!'' :''(Darwin is subsequently revived, but with Frankenstein-esque characteristics. The Snatcher attempts to grab him, but flees from the sun.)'' ===The Man [3.24]=== {{line}} :'''Granny Jojo''': Alright, enough chitchat. Help me up! I don't wanna break a leg before my hot date. :''[The kids try to lift her out, but she is surprisingly heavy]'' :'''Gumball''': What the weight?! How can someone so small be so heavy? :'''Granny Jojo''': Well, I have two metal hips, one orthopedic shoe, six gold teeth, a plate in my head and an industrial-strength pacemaker. I've got so much metal in me, I'm legally classified as a motor vehicle. Anyway, where's the rope? :''[The kids look back to see the rope gone.]'' :'''Gumball''': (to Anais) Didn't I tell you to tie the end to something? :'''Anais''': (to Darwin) Didn't I tell ''you'' to tie the end to something?? :'''Darwin''': (to no one) Didn't I tell ''you'' to-- :'''Gumball''': Oh, wait. Sorry. My bad. I didn't tell anyone to tie it. :'''Granny Jojo''': (sighs) We need another plan. ===The Pizza [3.25]=== :'''Gumball''': Uh, what do you want?! (A microphone goes off.) :'''Mr. Small''': (through intercom) ''This is our territory, and YOU are now our prey...'' :'''Gumball''': What?! are you planning to eat us?! (Mr. Small climbs down and approaches the Wattersons.) :'''Mr. Small''': Yes. I ran out of tofu and soy milk. Say, you guys aren't on any antibiotics, are you? If I have to eat meat, I want it to be organic. :'''Gumball''': Are you serious?! :'''Mr. Small''': I'm sorry, but it's survival of the fittest. :'''Nicole''': Good! Then you won't mind me doing this. (Nicole grabs Mr. Small and throws him. The other dystopians are dealt with in short order as Nicole easily beats them.) :'''Alan''': (to Nicole) HEY! (Nicole turns toward Alan. She walks toward him before blowing an effortless breath of air, instantly popping him.) :'''Gumball, Darwin, Anais, Nicole and Richard''': YEAAAAAAAAAH! <hr width="50%"> :'''Nicole''': Why don't we all tell each other about our day, and why we got upset in the first place? I'll go first. I was on my way to work ''[Flashback to Nicole's car being checked by Larry on the side of the road.]'' when the car broke down''.'' :'''Larry:''' Well, the damage is only superficial. ''[Closed car hood]'' So it shouldn't cost more than a hundred dollars. :'''Nicole:''' A hundred dollar? ''[Breaks headlight]'' Excuse me!? :'''Larry:''' Better make that two-hundred. :'''Nicole:''' WHAT!? ''[The sound of her voice breaks the windows.]'' :'''Larry:''' Uh...five-hundred..? :'''Nicole: <big>WHAT?!!</big>''' ''[Her car falls apart, destroyed because of her loud voice.]'' :'''Larry:''' ''[yelps]'' <small>seven-fifty...?</small> :'''Nicole:''' Before I do what I'm about to do, I want you to know this is not your fault. You're just doing your job, but someone has to suffer for what happened and unfortunately, you're the only one around. :''[Inhales deeply, suddenly her head grows big and she starts screaming at Larry In the demonic threatening voice.]'' :'''Nicole: You are a worm!! You're a thieving, bottom-feeding, money-grabbing crook!! People like you are squeezing the very last cents out of hard-working families!! YOU'RE THE REASON ICE CAPS ARE MELTING AND BABY POLAR BEARS ARE ''<big>HOMELESS!!</big>''''' ''[Returns to her normal self, sighing in relief]'' I think that's all there was. Here. ''[Hands Larry a money]'' :'''Larry:''' Uh... Would you like to add a tip? :'''Nicole:''' Sure, a little extra twelve percent. ''[Inhales deeply, However, Again, Her head grows big and she resumes her demonic Screaming at Larry.]'' '''You're a worthless maggot!! <big>''A POINTLESS LITTLE-''</big>''' ''[The flashback ends.]'' :'''Nicole:''' Anyway, I feel much better now. ''[Notices her family pushing away her large head with a table]'' Oh, sorry. A little too much in the moment there. ''[Her head shrinks back to normal]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Larry''': Why are ''you'' guys here? And why are you dressed like that? :'''Gumball''': Because, it's the apocalypse, and because… well, it-it's the apocalypse! :'''Anais''': Society collapsed as soon as you resigned! :'''Larry''': But that was only twenty minutes ago. :''(An explosion occurs from far away.)'' :'''Gumball''': Yeah, and that's all the time it took for us to realize our mistake. We need to be reminded of how precious you are, so this is for you, Gary. ''(gives some money)'' :'''Larry''': A $100 bill... Thank you. :'''Gumball''': Yeah, don't get too excited. Without you, there's no business, since nothing was being bought, which has ruined the economy and forced up inflation. This $100 bill could possibly get you as much as a rat burger and a kick in the teeth. :'''Larry''': But, still, it came from the heart...but in that case, this pizza now costs $9,000. :'''Nicole''': Is it alright if I write you a roadkill check? :'''Larry''': Yes! We now also accept payment in uranium, antibiotics and melee weapons. ===The Lie [3.26]=== ===The Butterfly [3.27]=== :: ''[In an office building, Karen picks up her call]'' : '''Karen''': ''Good morning, Elmore Help Desk!'' : ''How can I assist you?'' : '''Alison''': ''I've just been abandoned by my brand new fiancé.'' : '''Karen''': ''I'm gonna need his details'' : ''So I can assist you.'' : '''Alison''': ''I know it sounds unlikely'' : ''But, I never got his name...'' :: ''[The phone rings; Rocky is calling]'' : '''Karen''': ''Sorry caller, hold the line!'' : ''Good morning, Elmore Help Desk!'' : ''How can I be of service?'' : '''Rocky''': ''A crazy alligator lady wants to be my bride!'' : '''Karen''': ''And what is it about her'' : ''That's making you so nervous?'' : '''Rocky''': ''87 teeth, and a butt that's five foot wide.'' :: ''[Another phone rings; Marvin is calling]'' : '''Karen''': ''Sorry caller, hold the line!'' : ''Good morning, Elmore Help Desk!'' : ''How can I assist you?'' : '''Marvin''': ''I'm gonna need a bit of help to get me standing straight.'' : '''Karen''': ''And do you have a wife, sir'' : ''Or someone else who's missed you?'' : '''Marvin''': ''I don't, but if you're offering'' : ''I'll pick you up at eight.'' :: ''[Yet another phone rings; Mr. Robinson is calling. Karen is growing a bit frantic]'' : '''Karen''': ''<nowiki/>'Morning, Elmore Help Desk!'' : ''How can I assist you?'' : '''Gaylord''': ''I wanna sue the lousy flying head who made me crash!'' : '''Karen''': ''There is no need to shout, sir'' : ''I really must insist you—'' : '''Gaylord''': ''Our taxes pay your wages, I'm entitled to be brash!'' :: ''[Another phone rings; it is Hank. Karen is freaking out at this point]'' : '''Karen''': ''Yes?! Help Desk?!'' : ''What seems to be the crisis?'' : '''Hank''': ''An accident has left me very widely spread.'' : '''Karen''': ''Stay calm and wait for help, sir.'' : ''That's what my advice is.'' : '''Hank''': ''I would, but I'm afraid I have an itch upon my head.'' : '''Karen''': ''[Starts yelling]'' ''Sorry, caller, hold the line!'' :: ''[She accidentally switches back to Mr. Robinson's line instead of the Crocodile Woman's]'' : '''Karen''': ''Morning ma'am, I'm back now.'' : ''I found your lost fiancé.'' : '''Gaylord''': ''Who're you calling "ma'am?"'' : ''This service is appalling!''' : '''Karen''': ''Sorry, sir, I'm trying!'' : ''There's no need to be nasty!'' : '''Marvin''': ''I'd have been back home by now'' : ''if I'd just started crawling.'' : '''Karen''': ''<nowiki/>'Morning, Elmore Help Desk—'' : '''Rocky''': ''Stop that crazy gator!'' : '''Alison''': ''Again I am a crocodile! I'm eccentric, I'm not mad!'' : '''Rocky''': ''Oh, boy...'' : '''Hank''': ''Can someone scratch me?'' : '''Marvin''': ''I think I'll call back later.'' : '''Gaylord''': ''I'll have your job for this!'' : '''Rocky''': ''Wait a sec, is that my dad?'' : '''Karen''': ''[Extremely angry]'' ''OK, enough already!'' :: ''[Says each line as she slams a phone onto its receiver]'' : ''[To Mr. Robinson]'' ''You need some manners!'' : ''[To Rocky]'' ''And, you need a life!'' : ''[To Hank]'' ''You need some standards!'' : ''[To Marvin]'' ''And, you need a wife!'' : ''[To Alison]'' ''You need a pay-off!'' : ''Now, I need a day off!'' :: ''[She throws her desk out the window. It knocks down some garbage bins, and causes some cars to bump into each other]'' ===The Question [3.28]=== :''(At the Watterson house...)'' :'''Gumball and Darwin''': '''BREAKFAST!!!''' ''(banging table)'' '''BREAKFAST!!!''' ''(banging table)'' '''BREAK--!''' :''(Nicole slams down a cereal box.)'' :'''Gumball''': What the what is this? It looks like medieval prison food. :'''Nicole''': It's cereal - ''real'' cereal. :'''Darwin''': What's wrong with Smashmallows? :'''Nicole''': I read the back of the box. This is so unhealthy that by the time you guys turn 13, your double chins will be touching your cankles. :'''Gumball''': Well, at least the mascot doesn't look like a cowboy goat with high blood pressure. :'''Darwin''': Please, Mrs. Mom. This cereal is so bleak, that if it were a movie, it would be Danish. :'''Nicole''': I'm sorry, but the Smashmallows are going in the trash, and that's ''that''. {{line}} :''(Their question still left unanswered, Gumball and Darwin mope through the neighborhood, until Gumball rolls over from his sulking.)'' :'''Gumball''': Why isn't anyone able to answer our question?! TELL ME, UNIVERSE -- <big>'''WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE??!'''</big> :''(In the bowels of space..)'' :'''Uranus''': Quick! I think someone is in need of a cosmic answer. :'''Mars''': Let's explain the meaning of his pitiful existence in the form of a feel-good song. :''(And so...)'' ''A-one, two, three'' :''If you think you've got a problem, and your life is full of doubt'' :''Remember, in the scheme of things, your life just doesn't count!'' :''To you, a leaf may seem quite small, but to an ant, it's ten feet tall'' :''It's hard to be objective, so we'll offer some perspective'' :''You think there's nothing greater than the planet you call Earth,'' :''But Earth can seem quite skinny next to Neptune's mighty girth!'' :''(Hey!)'' :''(Relax!)'' :''And if you think you've got a problem when you're thinner or you're fatter'' :''Remember, in the scheme of things, your life just doesn't matter'' :''Now, the sun can make us all feel small,'' :'''Cause he's the biggest of us all,'' :''But that's just in the solar system'' :''Bigger things than that exist:'' :''The Milky Way, the galaxy, and don't forget the universe!'' :''It may seem small to others, but they're huge compared to you or us'' :''You're tiny and you're miniscule, irrelevant, a speck'' :''On the dark side of that rock, you're just a measly little fleck'' :''Your life may last a century on Earth or maybe quicker,'' :''But, up here, 100 years is just a flash, a blip, a flicker!'' :''So, when you think you've got a problem and your life is full of doubt'' :''Remember, in the scheme of things, your'' :''Puny, little, tiny, weeny,'' :''Meager, futile, worthless, teeny,'' :''Boring, foolish, pointless, minimal,'' :''Wretched, bleak, obsolete, abysmal'' :''LIFE JUST DOES NOT COUNT!!'' {{line}} :''(Back on Earth, Gumball and Darwin watch the sun, in their perspective, distortedly hum to the song.)'' :'''Darwin''': What the--? What's up with that? :'''Gumball''': I don't know, but the joke's on them. By the time they finish their smug little song, the sun would've collapsed under its own mass and exploded, so, pbht! ===The Saint [3.29]=== :''[in the library, Gumball attempts to ruin Alan's social page on ElmorePlus unnoticed while Darwin watches beside him]'' :'''Gumball''': Right. What status update will ruin his life? Ohh, I know. ''[starts typing text out loud]'' "Oh my gosh, why are there so many drawn people in Elmore?!! Go back to your flat country and stop ruining our economy!" ''[hits send button; talks to Darwin]'' Nobody likes a 2D-ist. :''[the status update immediately receives countless thumbs-down icons that the screen overwhelms Alan's social page. Alan returns while Gumball plays dumb]'' :'''Gumball''': Oh, Alan! So, did you help 'em? :'''Alan''': Everyone was okay, but I made them even more okay! :''[Alan's face gets pummelled by multiple thumbs-down icons being launched from the computer]'' :'''Alan''': ''[floats up, traumatized]'' WHAT HAPPENED?!! :'''Gumball''': I just assassinated your social life. What are you gonna do about it? :''[Alan snaps to a furious face as he floats menacingly near Gumball. But he kisses Gumball, and pulls his "saintly" face]'' :'''Alan''': Thank you. Now I get a chance to befriend them all again. ''[Gumball thunders angrily as Alan floats away]'' :'''Gumball''': '''<big>''I WILL BREAK YOU, MAN!!!''</big> NO-ONE'S THIS NICE!! <big>''NO-ONE!!''</big> BECAUSE IF THEY WERE, I'D HAVE TO ASK SOME VERY DIFFICULT QUESTIONS ABOUT MYSELF!!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Alan'''​​​​: '''AAH!''' Can you please stop making that noise?! :'''Gumball''': ''What?'' :'''Alan​​​​''': Dragging your feet! It's grating! :'''Gumball''': Oh, but I don't understand. You mean this? ''[Squeaks floor]'' :'''Alan'''​​​​: ''[Yells]'' '''<big>STOP IT, YOU ''JERK!''</big>''' :'''Gumball''': '''YES!''' Ha ha! I finally dragged you down to my level! I knew you could be broken! Oh, I feel so much better about myself. I gotta go tell Darwin! :''[Gumball runs off, and Alan screams in rage. Then Alan calms down, smiles, and makes his saintly face again]'' :'''Alan​​​​''': ''[Whispering]'' Whatever makes you happy, my friend. ===The Friend [3.30]=== :''(Gumball puts up a chair to protect him and Darwin from the exploding balloons.)'' :'''Gumball''': Hang in there, buddy. We're almost there! :''(Anais then bursts out of the shed, holding a 2-liter cola bottle.)'' :'''Anais''': Not so fast, boys! ''(cowboy accent)'' I drop this unbranded mint into this here unbranded cola, it'll give me enough firepower to blast you through that darn fence! :'''Gumball''': ''(cowboy accent)'' What are you gonna do with all them cupcakes? There's one of you and there's two of us. :'''Anais''': They're for my friends only. I don't want you there eating everything and weirding them out. Just give up, and that'll be the end of it. '''''Otherwise'''''-- :'''Gumball''': Alright! We surrender... ''(normal voice)'' Oh, look! Your friends are here! :'''Anais''': ''(gasps)'' Really?! :''(Gumball and Darwin immediately gorge on the cupcakes, but they stop, twitching their eyes until their faces contort from the taste.)'' :'''Gumball''': These aren't cupcakes. They're lemons! And the icing is baking soda! :''(The chemical reaction from the baking soda and lemon juice causes fizzy bubbles to burst from the boys' eyes and mouths.)'' :'''Anais''': The real stuff is in the shed. :''(Anais drops the mint into the cola and blasts the boys through the fence with the cola cannon.)'' ===The Oracle [3.31]=== ===The Safety [3.32]=== :'''Video Narrator''': Watch Out, Little Teddy. :''[Then a teddy bear is seen cooking]'' :'''Video Narrator''': Little Teddy is very excited, because it's cookie time. But, watch out, Little Teddy… :''[Little Teddy burns his hands while attempting to bring out some cookies from an oven]'' :'''Little Teddy''': Ow! Ow! :'''Video Narrator''': '''''BE CAREFUL AROUND OVENS!''''' :''[The video switches to Little Teddy looking out from a window, and to a tree with a bird]'' :'''Video Narrator''': Little Teddy has seen a bird. ''[Little Teddy waves as narrator speaks]'' Hello little bird! :'''Bird''': Hello! :'''Video Narrator''': But, watch out, Little Teddy... :''[Little Teddy falls out of the window, and hits the ground. The bird perches on Little Teddy's head and pecks his nose]'' :'''Video Narrator''': '''''BE CAREFUL AROUND WINDOWS!''''' :''[Little Teddy is seen chasing a butterfly in a field]'' :'''Video Narrator''': Little Teddy is having fun in the backyard, with a butterfly. Butterflies are pretty. But, watch out, Little Teddy…. :''[After running a long distance, Little Teddy knocks himself over with a rake]'' :'''Video Narrator''': '''''BE CAREFUL AROUND GARDEN TOOLS!''''' :''[The video transitions to Little Teddy walking to an old woman about to cross a road]'' :'''Video Narrator''': Little Teddy is helping a senior citizen. That's kind of you, Teddy. It's nice to be nice. :''[Little Teddy and the old woman start crossing the road]'' :'''Video Narrator''': But, watch out, Little Teddy... :''[Little Teddy puts his arm around the old woman's shoulder, which angers her. The old woman screams, and beats his head with a crowbar until a bump rises from his head]'' :'''Video Narrator''': '''''BE CAREFUL AROUND STRANGERS!''''' :''[As the old woman leaves, Little Teddy is hit by a speeding car]'' :'''Video Narrator''': '''''AND CARS!''''' :''[The scene flips over, and transitions to Little Teddy dancing inside a circle of singing children]'' :'''Children''': ''[Singing]'' If you're going on adventures, or having lots of fun. Remember to be frightened, being safe is number one. :'''Little Teddy''': ''[Waving]'' Remember, kids: please take care, 'cause danger's lurking— ''[Little Teddy, along with the video becomes eerily distorted and slowed]'' '''''everywhere.''''' :''[The camera zooms out from a TV in Miss Simian's classroom. Beside it, Mr. Small is screaming, frightened by the video. Gumball, Darwin, Sarah, Leslie, Masami, Molly, and Tobias, who were watching the video, are frozen with horrified expressions on their faces] :'''Mr. Small'''​​​​​: Okay. Everyone, take the rest of the day off. I'm just gonna— ===The Society [3.33]=== :''(Principal Brown gives Gumball detention (as Gumball's punishment) for accidentally doing wrong things)'' {{line}} :'''Banana Joe''': (storms away from Gumball) {{line}} :'''Idaho''': (storms off) ===The Spoiler [3.34]=== {{line}} '''Gumball''': Finally, it's Saturday: check! Got my allowance: check! Affordable candy 'cause the stuff at the movies is a total rip-off: check! Blankets because they always go nuts with the air conditioning: check! Clippers in case someone with big hair sits in front of us: check! A red carpet to make us feel special: check! I'm ready to see the film and I'm spoiler-proof for the journey. Here we go! ===The Countdown [3.35]=== :''[Darwin draws a watch onto his wrist. Seeing the time, he gasps before rushing to the room] :'''Darwin''': Wake up! We're gonna be late for school! :'''Gumball''': ''(sighs)'' I'll get up when the alarm goes off. :'''Darwin''': But you've already pressed the snooze button! :'''Gumball''': That was five minutes ago. :'''Darwin''': That was an hour ago! Snooze time goes faster than regular time. :'''Gumball''': ''(sighs)'' I just found the perfect position. :''[Darwin pulls the cover off, revealing Gumball in a potentially bone-breaking position]'' :'''Darwin''': Dude, it looks like you fell from the seventh floor. :'''Gumball''': Come on, just another minute. :'''Darwin''': ''[carrying Gumball]'' No, we're already late! See? :''[Outside, the bus drives away, causing the boys to panic]'' {{line}} (Gumball and Darwin return to school.) :'''Gumball''': Okay, all we need to do is set the clock back to "0", and everything will be fine. Spin it! :[Darwin spins the clock, sending the boys through time. They stop in a dystopian future] :'''Gumball''': Uh, dude, I think you spun it too far... :[An explosion occurs] :'''Gumball''': Let's go back a little. :[Gumball spins the clock again, this time sending them to space--the exact moment it was created via the Big Bang] :'''Gumball''': ''(silently, via subtitles)'': [That was a big bang!] (To Darwin) [Too far back?] :[Darwin nods. Gumball spins the clock again.] ===The Nobody [3.36]=== :'''Darwin''': We need to hide! He could be anywhere! :'''Gumball''': ''[Grabs the phone]'' Let's go to the bathroom, it's got a lock on the door! :''[The duo run around the living room, stretching the phone's cord everywhere. Then both come rushing into the bathroom. Gumball hurriedly dials the police while Darwin closes and locks the door]'' :'''Donut Cop''': Elmore Police? :'''Gumball''': Yeah, help! There's someone in my house! :'''Donut Cop''': I see... Are you in the house right now? :'''Gumball''': Yes! :'''Donut Cop''': Then that someone is you! Case solved. You're welcome! :''[The Doughnut Sheriff hangs up, and in a nearby crime statistics chart, he draws from the increasing line a line straight down to zero. Gumball dials again]'' :'''Donut Cop''': Elmore Police. :'''Gumball''': Listen, you don't understand si– :'''Donut Cop''': Now look kid, I alr– ''[Phone disconnects]'' :''[Gumball anxiously waits on the other line, frightened]'' :'''Darwin''': What? What!? :'''Gumball''': ''[Mystically and nervously]'' Someone cut the phone line! ===The Downer [3.37]=== :'''Gumball''': If you're all hiding so I'd get up, I would like to point out that technically I haven't left my bed, so you don't win! Fine! ''[Throws his mattress off his back]'' If everyone is really gone, then no one would mind if I did this. :''[Gumball has a weird looking face and knocks over a lamp, the lamp hits the TV, that knocks over and hits a shelf, stuff on the top of the shelf like a vase, falls and then a vase bounces back up and hits the shelf back to where it was, the shelf knocks the TV back where it was, then the TV hits the lamp then hits Gumball, and then he falls]'' :'''Gumball''': ''[Looks around, rubbing his cheek]'' Aaaaaa- it hurts, ''[Making weird movements]'' ''Ahhhh-'' I think I fractured my nose and sprained an ear or something. ''Aa!'' I think I need very expensive medical help, unless someone gave me a ''magic kiss?'' ''[Thinks and extends his mouth to his cheek, giving himself a kiss]'' What is going on here? ''[Gasp]'' I made a terrible wish ''[Starts to tear up]'' and now my whole family have disappeared! ''[Grouchy face]'' Good. ===The Egg [3.38]=== ===The Triangle [3.39]=== :'''Principal Brown''': (throws Gumball out of the locker room and on the ground.) {{line}} :'''Gumball''': (pushes Leslie for inserting gum in and sabotaging Darwin's whistle) NOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! :'''Leslie''': THE SOLO IS MINE, NOT DARWIN'S! HE STOLE MY SPOTLIGHT, AND FLOWERS NEED LIGHT TO GROW! :'''Gumball''': (hits Leslie by pushing him) Dude, you're a flower boy who plays a flute in a school band. You don't want this to get violent! :'''Leslie''': You were talking to someone who was a dancer since the year he was born in! (slaps Gumball and punches and kicks Gumball to give him a black eye) :'''Gumball''': What I meant (takes the Archie head off) (Gumball's black eye and swollen face are shown.) was violence is never the answer, dude. You're supposed to be happy for your friend's success. This isn't about Darwin being good at something, it's about you refusing to make the effort to better yourself, and you know what the definition of that kind of person is? :'''Leslie''': You! :'''Gumball''': Exactly. :'''Leslie''': No, I don't want that to happen! :'''Gumball''': So, why don't we just enjoy the success of our friend even if it means that we get left behind? :'''Leslie''': You're right! :'''Gumball''': Quick, he's about to play the solo! (Outside, all eyes turn to Darwin as a drumroll plays over...and over...and over to signal his cue. Under stage fright, he plays his whistle, but it comes out more shaky and lacking in resonance, causing the crowd to boo him.) :'''Man''': He's terrible! (However, Gumball and Leslie righteously nod to congratulate their friend.) ===The Money [3.40]=== :'''Gumball''': Rocky! We need to get to the mall so we can sell out and make a load of cash! :'''Rocky''': Oh, sure. No probs- ''[Starts to glitch out before he can finish his sentence]'' :''[The bus starts moving but the glitching begins to infect the bus and everything it comes in contact with. The Wattersons scream as the bus glitches out of control but their screams are temporarily switched to lovely-sounding tweeting birds as the sound begins to cut in and out as well. The bus then glitches into the air before falling back down smoothly, phasing through the ground. The bus then hits Doughnut Sheriff and Mr. Robinson who were glitched as well]'' :'''Donut Cop''': Arrrgh!!! :'''Mr. Robinson''': ROAD HOoOoGGS!!! :''[The bus continues to glitch and the Wattersons continue to scream as the bus begins to break down. The sound begins to drop in quality as well]'' :'''Gumball''': We need to get out of here! :''[The family jumps out of the bus as it continues to disintergrate to nothing. The family then runs towards the mall]'' :'''Nicole''': We got to sign that contract before there is nothing left of Elmore! :''[The environment then immediately switches from a barely 3D environment to a storyboard as the Wattersons are running through the Mall Parking lot]'' :'''Richard''': ''[Muffled]'' We're... almost... there! :'''Gumball''': ''[Muffled]'' Are you sure? Cos' it doesn't look like we're moving. :''[The panels then begin to speed up as the Wattersons are apparently moving faster than before]'' :'''Darwin''': ''[Muffled]'' AAARGH! ''''''Too faaast!!!''''' :'''Gumball, Darwin, Anais, Nicole and Richard''': '''''WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!!''''' :''[Their speed boosts up, which allows them to break through the storyboard panel borders and tear through the entrance of the mall. After they crash through the door, the environment is reduced to a hand-drawn background and the Wattersons become sticky notes]'' :'''Gumball''': ''[Muffled]'' Where's Joyful Burger?! :'''Nicole''': ''[Muffled]'' It's that way! [Points in a direction]'' :'''Anais''': ''[Muffled]'' Err... it's over there. ''[Sticks her thumb in the opposite direction]'' :''[Nicole's arm is suddenly erased]'' :'''Nicole''': '''''AAAAAAAHHH!!!!''''' ''[Only for it to be drawn back pointing in the right direction]'' Oh. I meant that way. :''[The Wattersons run into Joyful Burger, now crude post-it note drawings]'' :'''Nicole''': We'll do the commercial! :'''Larry''': ''[In a computer-generated voice with Australian accent]'' Then hurry up before it's too late! :''[The Wattersons, except Gumball, all sign the contract, causing their animation and the environment to revert back to normal, while Gumball remains a sticky note]'' :'''Nicole''': Quick, Gumball! :'''Richard''': Come on, sign it! :''[The camera cuts to Gumball, still a post-it note drawing. He grabs the pencil on the contract]'' :'''Gumball''': ''[Puts down pencil]'' Wait. Are we really going to become clichés of ourselves just to sell a few burgers? Isn't there a way to survive in this world without selling out? Not everything has a price! Some things are more precious than money! Like dignity! Freedom! Love! Sorry, Larry, but you could have all the money in the world and you still couldn't afford the Wattersons! [[Category:Television show seasons]] ox2az2hfq4jilmzx7qx5fwie0jleqtz 0 273710 3944626 3900708 2026-05-23T21:59:42Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944626 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Augustus Taber Murray}}''' (1866–1940) was an American classical philologist and translator and a Quaker minister. He was Professor of Greek at Stanford University for forty years. == Quotes == * He who would know [[Homer]] must approach him with an open mind and lend himself to the guidance of the poet himself. He must not come to the study of the poems with a preconceived notion of the processes by which they have come into being, or of philological or archaeological criteria for determining the relative age of this episode or of that. The reconstructed ''Iliads'' are all figments of the imagination; the existent poem is a tangible fact. To this extent the unbiassed student starts as a “unitarian.” If he but yields himself to the spell of the poem, he will become the more confirmed in his faith; and though he may find much of the learning of the world arrayed against him, yet he will none the less be standing in a goodly company of those whom the Muse has loved, and will himself have heard the voice of the [[Muse|goddess]] and looked upon her face. ** From the Introduction to ''The Iliad'', [https://archive.org/details/iliadmurray01homeuoft/page/xiv/mode/2up vol. 1], [[w:Loeb Classical Library|LCL]] 39 (1924), pp. xiv–xv == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Murray, Augustus Taber}} [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Quakers]] [[Category:1866 births]] [[Category:1940 deaths]] [[Category:Philologists]] [[Category:Translators from the United States]] [[Category:Stanford University faculty]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 8c9lxuii4qi6mz6r3y37sxcpt6uztsk 0 274053 3944499 3944230 2026-05-23T13:59:17Z ~2026-26412-06 3315146 3944499 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DEFAULTSORT:Garfield Movie, The}} {{Italic title}} '''''{{w|The Garfield Movie}}''''' is a [[w:2024 in film|2024]] American animated [[w:Adventure film|adventure]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] based on [[w:Jim Davis (cartoonist)|Jim Davis]]' [[Garfield|comic strip of the same name]] and released by Columbia Pictures. In this film, Garfield has an unexpected reunion with his long-lost father, a scruffy street cat who draws him into a high-stakes heist. It was the last Garfield film distributed by the non-Paramount company, due to the fact that the Garfield franchise was acquired by Paramount Global in 2019. :''Directed by {{w|Mark Dindal}}. Written by Paul A. Kaplan, Mark Torgove and [[w:David Reynolds (screenwriter)|David Reynolds]].'' == Dialogue == :''[The scene starts off on a phone screen, showing an image of Garfield, a frowning orange tabby cat, and his owner, Jon Arbuckle, wearing sweaters with their faces on them.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[first lines; offscreen]'' OK, it's time to eat. ''[types in the password 061978 on the phone, unlocking it]'' Let's see, open the app. ''[opens the Mamma Leoni’s app to make his order]'' I’m gonna get a double pepperoni pizza, uh, an order of breadsticks, and...Well, lasagna. Yeah. Ooh! A new item alert? Jalapeño breadstick quick bites. Huh. It might be nice to add something in the salad family. And do I want dessert? Oooh! ''[chuckles]'' I’m gonna be naughty! Butterscotch budino. OK, I’m gonna have five. ''[The app screen slides to the side to show the orange tabby cat himself.]'' Delivery? Goes without saying...''[hits NOW]'' now, please. :'''Mamma Leoni's App''': Mama mia! :'''Garfield''': Alright. That oughta hold me 'til breakfast. ''[notices the audience]'' Oh, hey! Are you guys early or am I late? No matter. I have got a real treat for you today. ''[Odie, a yellow dog with brown ears, jumps and barks excitedly]'' No, not a treat for you. ''[Odie whines sadly; sighs]'' OK. ''[He gives Odie a biscuit and he eats it before licking him happily, much to his disgust]'' Anyway, about that treat...''[pushes Odie down]'' Can I just say, you will not be disappointed. ''[laughs]'' It’s a story about me...''[the doorbell rings]''...that no one’s ever heard before featuring someone in my life you’ve never met. I don’t know about you, but color me intrigued. ''[A drone enters the house, delivering Garfield’s order.]'' Oh ho yeah! Drone delivery. Welcome to the future. ''[opens the box for his double pepperoni pizza]'' You know, to really understand everything, I’m gonna have to take you back to where it all began. ''[notices a small basil on his pizza]'' Don’t want anything to take away from the flavor of cheese. ''[flicks it off, stretches his mouth open, places the pizza in, and munches down]'' And like every great story, it all started... ''[He moves his mouth in a sucking position near his drink. Odie tips the cup to Garfield’s mouth and the cat sips his drink]'' ...on a dark and stormy night. :''[Odie holds up a cardboard thunderstorm cloud and mimics thunder and lightning. Cut to black. In a flashback, a silhouetted cat looks over at something.]'' :'''Silhouetted cat''': Wait here, Junior. I'll be right back. :''[Garfield, as a kitten, looks up at the silhouetted cat, who walks away, then hides. Garfield, sitting in a crate, reaches out with his little paws as if motioning for the cat to not leave him. Moments later, rain pours. Garfield looks over the side, seeing that the cat isn't coming back. He jumps back in fear as he hears various noises, then covers his face protectively. Suddenly, he sniffs the air, then spots an Italian restaurant called Mamma Leoni’s across the street. Garfield watches as Vito, through the window, holding two steaming pizzas on trays. Jon sits alone on a table. Garfield glances over the path where the cat went, then runs out of the crate. He crosses the street towards the restaurant as three cars pass by, narrowly missing him. Reaching the window, Garfield sniffs the air again. Inside, Jon sits at his table as Vito serves him pepperoni pizza. Grabbing a slice, he sees one family playing Heads Up on their phone.]'' :'''Girl''': Open wide, Jake. :''[A girl feeds her brother, Jake, a meatball. Jon smiles, then frowns and sighs sadly. He sets his head on his hand. He opens his mouth to take a bite of the slice, then gets startled when a thud is heard. Garfield, with his face pressed against the window, stares at the pizza, then pulls it back as Jon stares at him]'' :'''Jon''': Aww! ''[leans in, then holds out a finger]'' Hi there, little buddy! Hi! ''[Garfield paws at his finger, then looks over at the pizza and licks the glass. Jon glances over to see no one coming, then secretly opens the window to let Garfield in. Garfield, despite his small size, hops into his hand. As the duo stare at each other, Garfield licks his cheek as Jon chuckles, then rubs his back on his chin while purring. Jon sets his little friend on the table beside the pizza]'' Are you hungry, little guy? ''[As Garfield nods in agreement, Jon feeds him a pepperoni, then chuckles and offers another]'' Do you want a little more? ''[Suddenly, Garfield quickly eats the entire pizza, then the slice that Jon was about to eat, then finally eats the pepperoni]'' Whoa! You ''are'' a hungry little guy. ''[sees Vito coming, then grabs a menu, hiding Garfield behind it]'' :'''Vito''': That was a quick dinner, ''Signore'' Jon. You must’ve been very hungry. ''[chuckles as Garfield peeks out from under Jon's wrist, but Jon himself pushes him back behind the menu]'' Can I bring you anything else? :'''Jon''': Uh, yes. ''[looks at the menu as Garfield rubs his paw on a picture of a single piece of lasagna]'' :'''Musician''': ''[offscreen]'' ''Grazie''! ''Grazie''! Thank you very much! :'''Jon''': Some...lasagna? :'''Vito''': ''Si''. Lasagna for one. :'''Jon''': Uh, yeah. ''[looks at the menu again as Garfield points to a picture of a 6-piece family-styled lasagna]'' You know what? No. Uh, make it family-style. :'''Vito''': Very good. :'''Jon''': ''[as Vito walks away]'' To go, please, Vito. :'''Musician''': ''[offscreen]'' Okay! Everybody! You all know this one! :'''Jon''': ''[lifts the menu to find Garfield gone]'' Huh? What? Where'd he go? ''[he spots Garfield slurping spaghetti and meatballs as a birthday party commences]'' :'''Patrons''': ''[offscreen]'' Hey! :'''Musician''': ''[offscreen]'' Stand up and sing. Join us. :'''Jon''': Oh, no! ''["Tarantella Napoletana" plays as he moves through the crowd.]'' Oh, no. Excuse me. Pardon me. ''[moves under another table, and tries to grab Garfield, but finds marinara sauce on his fingers. He notices Garfield eating cookies. As he goes to eat a slice of pizza, Jon grabs him, still on the plate, and hides him behind his back as Vito walks by with a big birthday cake. Once Vito is gone, Jon pulls out the plate from behind his back, but once again, Garfield has disappeared. He spots him walking through the birthday cake with a big bite on it. Jon scrambles on all fours to search for him]'' :'''Maria''': ''[offscreen]'' Jon! Take-out for Jon! ''[As Jon looks around, Maria comes in with a to-go box for Jon]'' Your take-out is ready, ''Signore'' Jon. :'''Jon''': Yes. :'''Maria''': One ''familia''-style lasagna to go! ''[opens the box, revealing Garfield eating on the top middle of the family-style lasagna]'' You eat alone too much, Jon. :'''Jon''': Yeah. :'''Maria''': You should get on the dating apps. :'''Jon''': No, I'm good, thanks. :'''Maria''': There's Bumble, Tinder, Gluten-Free Singles... :'''Jon''': Oh, really? :'''Maria''': Hot Sauce Passions. :'''Jon''': No, I could never. :'''Maria''': And you should spend serious money on premium memberships. :'''Jon''': Bye! ''[quickly leaves the restaurant, and the lid pops open, with Garfield still in the box]'' Huh? Oh, hey. ''[chuckles as he sets the box down on the ground, and puts Garfield on the lid]'' Well, that was an interesting dinner… that you had. Well, I guess, um...this is where we say goodbye. ''[Garfield cocks his head]'' Oh, you’re really cute, but I can’t have pets in my apartment. So...I’ll see you around, OK? Go on. ''[As Garfield sniffles sadly, he cries, shedding a lot of tears]'' Oh, no. No, no, no, don’t cry. Don’t cry. ''[The tears make a river that leads to a storm drain. Garfield waves goodbye to him]'' Oh. Oh! No, no, no, no, no! No! Oh, no! Oh, no! ''[scrambles toward Garfield, and grabs him, just as the box enters the storm drain. He then stands up while holding the tiny pint-sized kitten in both hands]'' You don’t have a home, do you? :''[Garfield looks away sadly as if to say, "No.", then he stares at Jon, blinking his big green eyes. Jon smiles, and so does Garfield, who kisses him on the nose. Jon smiles as he nuzzles his little friend. Garfield pulls the screen up, bringing us back to the present while eating some breadsticks.]'' :'''Garfield''': And that's how I adopted Jon. :''[Odie facepalms and brings down the screen to show the title card of the film]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[We then cut to a little house in the suburbs.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[voiceover]'' So I moved Jon out of his apartment to this nice, little two-bed, two-bath in the suburbs. ''[We see a time passage of Jon putting down pet stuff while Garfield eats pizza, voiceover]'' As soon as he understood the ground rules, well, let’s just say, we were living the dream. ''[Cut to Garfield riding through the wind, voiceover]'' And once we were settled in, I even let Jon get a pet. ''[Zoom out to see him riding on top of Odie, as a puppy. They run around the house while Jon reads “The Great Catsby.” Then, they ride atop a robotic vacuum with Garfield drinking from a cup and Odie gnawing on a bone. Cut to Young Garfield pulling down the table covers to bring down two glass cookie jars. Garfield ends up inside one while Odie’s head is in another, voiceover]'' Odie, became my most trusted ally. He was kind, gentle, and most importantly, my unpaid intern. ''[Odie bounces on Garfield’s tummy and steals a burger from Jon. Garfield removes the lettuce, and eats the burger before giving the lettuce to Odie, who looks at the viewers as if saying, "Seriously?". Later, as Jon is drawing, Garfield is bungee jumping outside the house. Each time Jon checks, he sees nothing. Then, as Garfield blows raspberries at Jon, we see the bungee rope being Odie’s tongue. Cut to see Odie eating from Garfield’s food bowl. Then, time passes and the two grow up while eating and watching TV with Jon. Voiceover]'' Oh, yeah. As you can see, life here is pretty near perfect. ''[Cut close to him, clears his throat and looks at the audience]'' Well, yeah, except for... :''[The word “MONDAYS” in giant red capital letters suddenly slams down in front of a white background. Jon opens the curtains]'' :'''Jon''': Time to go to the vet! :''[Cut to a vet appointment, Garfield is set on a scale while Jon looks lovingly at Liz. The scale breaks beneath the cat and Liz gets out an intercom.]'' :'''Liz Wilson''': ''[over PA]'' We’re gonna need the big scale! :'''Garfield''': ''[to the viewers]'' Does she need to announce it to the whole office? :''[The montage of Garfield causing bad luck every Monday plays. Garfield hanging on a tree branch before a strong wind blows him off, into the house, and out through a window. Garfield getting scared by a spider, a pie thrown at Garfield’s face, Odie licking him, his ice cream dropping to the ground when he licks it, and his toothpaste squirting too much. Then, Jon puts on his protective gear to give Garfield a bath.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[as he's being bathed]'' No! Please! No! Ow, it’s so hot! Ow, it’s really hurting! Ow, ow, ow! :''[Soon, Jon dries him up and he is all poofy. Odie drops his ball in shock and Garfield angrily glares at him, while growling in anger. The montage ends, where Garfield grumpily shredding the "MONDAYS" paper in a paper shredder]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[to the viewers; grumpily]'' And that’s why we should go from Sunday to Tuesday. ''[pause]'' OK. Where were we? <hr width="50%"> :''[On the next day, Garfield walks up to Jon, who is sleeping in bed] :'''Garfield''': Wakie, wakie, eggs and bakey! ''[lies down on Jon’s face]'' Good morning! :''[In the kitchen, Jon puts some vegetables in a blender. As Odie barks for Jon to pet him each time, Garfield secretly puts in some bacon, a T-bone steak, three pizza slices, two pies, and a piece of cake in the blender. Jon closes the lid, and starts blending. Garfield walks on the ceiling, and opens his mouth. The blender shakes and smoothie bursts out, shocking Jon and Odie. Garfield lands down on the counter, having eaten the smoothie. Cut to Jon reading Romeo and Juliet until Odie pushes in Garfield with a fancy chair.]'' :'''Jon''': What? Where’d you get that chair? :''[Garfield presses a red button on the arm and the chair becomes a recliner with stereo systems. Odie brings in a tray of food and a TV. The TV set shows Catflix, a streaming service that shows cat videos. One shows a cat playing the piano. Jon is in confusion while Garfield eats some popcorn. Suddenly, the channel switches to a romantic comedy film]'' :'''Rom-Com Woman''': ''[on TV]'' I think I was meant to be here tonight because I was meant to meet you. :'''Rom-Com Man''': ''[on TV]'' I think we were meant to be. :'''Rom-Com Woman''': ''[on TV]'' That’s what I meant to say. :'''Rom-Com Man''': ''[on TV]'' You had me at the word “meant.” ''[they both kiss]'' :''[Garfield sees that Odie has the remote. Jon and Odie cry some tears of joy at the scene while Garfield is not amused. Cut to Jon riding a fitness bike]'' :'''Fitness Bike Instructor''': ''[on phone]'' We're going to ride like the wind! Faster! Harder! More exciting! :''[Jon pedals faster and faster until he slumps over, exhausted. Garfield comes in and puts a slice of pepperoni pizza in Jon’s mouth]'' :'''Garfield''': Odie! Yeah, can you put this back to normal? ''[to Jon]'' There you go. Just let the pepperoni’s healing powers work its magic. :''[Odie hangs some shirts on the fitness bike. Then, Jon is asleep by his drawing board. Garfield points at this then rolls Jon over to bed. He positions him right, puts a blanket over him, adds an eye mask and Sony headphones, and gives him Pooky. As Garfield leaves, he sees Odie having watched him rest his owner.]'' :'''Garfield''': You saw nothing. ''[jumps off the bed as Odie sleeps with Jon, he turns off the light]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Garfield''': ''[voiceover]'' Up until that moment, my life was a perfect souffle. Little did I know, it was all about to collapse. :''[Cut to the three sleeping in bed. The sleeping Jon is listening to a sleep app through the headphones]'' :'''Sleep App Voice''': Imagine yourself drifting away on a sea of tranquility. There are no pets to bother you, distract you, or max out your credit card by excessively placing online food orders. :'''Garfield''': ''[As he sleeps, his stomach rumbles and yawned]'' Oh, I swear. ''[his stomach rumbles again, waking him up]'' Huh? What? Who said that? ''[He notice to his tummy]'' Huh? Odie. ''[yawns]'' Odie. Odie! ''[Odie wakes up]'' It’s time for our midnight snack. ''[Odie jumps off from Jon's bed. He moans as Odie helps him up from his bed. Yawns]'' Thank you, good sir. Your kindness will be rewarded. :''[As they head to the kitchen, Barry, a little blue bird, spies on them from the window. Garfield and Odie open the fridge]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[yawns]'' What are we feeling like today, huh? French? Italian? Chinese? Cupcakes? ''[his stomach rumbles]'' Chinese it is. Odie, shape everything from the bottom two shelves into a dumpling. ''[As Odie grabs some food, they hear shuffling nearby]'' :'''Garfield and Odie''': Huh? :''[They turn to see the pet door flapping. Then, they see an open window while rain pours outside. They become nervous until a huge shadow looms over them. They look up to see Roland, a huge dog, looming over them with Nolan, a small skinny dog, on his back. Garfield lifts up Roland's face folds to show the dog's angry eyes]'' :'''Roland''': ''[in British accent]'' Late night snacking? :'''Nolan''': Not good for digestion. :'''Garfield''': ''[uninterested]'' Odie, I'm dreaming again. Slap me across the face. ''[Odie slaps Garfield and Roland roars at the him]'' Nope! Still dreaming. I must be really deep in this one. :''[The two get stuffed in bags by Roland and Nolan!]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[While the dogs, along with the spy bird, head to an abandoned mall]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[in the bag]'' What do you guys...What do you want? Money? I don't have any money, okay? Who-who carries cash anymore? I've-- I-I've got Jon's credit card number memorized. 5552-3857-5521. Did you write that down? Expiration code is 555. :''[Inside the mall, they release the two from the bags]'' :'''Nolan''': The cat is out of the bag! ''[Cackles. He throws the rope up]'' :'''Roland''': We hope this kidnapping plan works or she’ll put us down....with her insults and cutting observations. :''[They tie the two by their ankles and pull up the ropes]'' :'''Garfield''': I think this is a case of mistaken identity! You must be looking for another gorgeous, lovable kitty cat! Right?! ''[Once they’re high above, the two dogs leave]'' Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, where you going? No, no, come back, come back! ''[Odie barking]'' No, no. Odie? :'''Odie''': Hmm? :'''Garfield''': I'll handle this. Alright, you guys, I'm giving you the count of 3 to get back here, and let us down! 1, 2, 3! Four, five… I am not kidding here! ''[Later, Garfield is exhausted while Odie plays the harmonica]'' 308, 309...I can't... yeah, they’re not coming. ''[groans]'' It’s over. :'''Voice''': ''[offscreen]'' Psst! :'''Garfield''': ''[He and Odie turn around to see a shrouded figure standing in the mall]'' Huh? ''[Odie drops his harmonica in awe]'' Am I dead? ''[The shrouded figure moves around]'' Are you an angel? ''[It comes to the mall ceiling by the ropes]'' Please take me. I am ready to go to the...''[sobs]'' to the all-you-can-eat buffet in the sky. :'''Shrouded figure''': What? Listen, I’m going to swing you out, cut your ropes, and drop you safely to that landing below. :'''Garfield''': Wait, what? That seems a tad risky. Is there another plan that doesn’t involve cutting the rope from a 40-foot drop? :'''Shrouded figure''': No time. We gotta get outta here before they come back. ''[He swings Odie first, then cuts his rope. The dog lands perfectly on the landing. Then, the shrouded figure swings Garfield and cuts his rope. The cat falls and lands next to Odie, though not so gracefully.]'' We need to go! Come on, Junior! :''[Garfield gasps in shock as he remembers being left in the alley.]'' :'''Silhouetted cat''': ''[flashback]'' Wait here, Junior. I’ll be right back. ''[echoes]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[narrows his eyes as he pulls the shroud off the figure, revealing Vic, a burly orange tabby cat and Garfield's father, then gasps and points angrily at him]'' <big>'''You...?!'''</big> :'''Vic''': Uh… Hey, Junior. :'''Odie''': Huh? :'''Garfield''': Who is he? This is Vic, my "father". :'''Vic''': Look, Junior, I know how you might be upset... :'''Garfield''': ''[ticked off]'' Upset?! Why would I be upset?! You only abandoned me in an alley as a kitten! I’m probably just overreacting! :''[Suddenly, they hear a claw scratching against metal]'' :'''Vic''': Oh, no. Not her. Quick, follow me, junior! :'''Garfield''': Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You lost the privilege of telling me what to do a long time ago. :''[Red light glows behind them, revealing a maniacal cat named Jinx with a glowing mood necklace]'' :'''Jinx''': Hello, Vic! :''[The three jump back and scream, startled]'' :'''Vic''': ''[scared]'' Dang! :'''Jinx''': Scare-cam! ''[laughs]'' Oh, you should’ve seen your faces! ''[makes spooky noises then laughs as she runs over to Nolan and Roland holding a phone]'' OK, boys, show me! ''[The phone shows a video of the trio being scared by her sudden appearance, laughs]'' Post that ASAP! ''[laughs]'' :'''Vic''': Hey, Jinx. I haven’t seen you since… Oh, well, no hard feelings though, right? ''[holds his hand out for a handshake]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[pushes Vic's hand away]'' Oh, I don’t think so. ''[glares for a moment, then smiles]'' I’m a hugger! ''[hugs Vic]'' :'''Garfield''': A part of me wants to be mad at her for kidnapping us, but you gotta love her energy. :'''Jinx''': ''[gasps]'' Where are my manners? ''[claps her paws to summon Barry]'' :'''Barry''': Chop, chop, gentlemen. Look alive. :''[Nolan sets up the table and Roland pours them glasses of milk]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[drinks hers]'' Perfection. You know, I was so delighted to think you accepted my invitation here tonight. :'''Garfield''': Well, throwing us in a burlap sack wasn’t exactly an Evite. :'''Jinx''': Vic, you’re so quiet. Are you feline sad? Cat got your tongue? Would you prefer a mew-mosa? :'''Garfield''': Excuse me, how do you two know each other? :'''Vic''': Let me handle this, Junior. :'''Garfield''': Oh, don’t "Junior" me. You may call me Garfield, Mr. Garfield, or G-Money. ''[Odie scoffs]'' Okay, whatever, no G-Money. Anyway, can somebody please tell me what is going on!? :'''Vic''': Uh, we really... :'''Jinx''': ''[interrupts Vic]'' I’ll take this one. :''[Roland is nearby, playing the piano]'' :'''Garfield''': What? :''[Odie shrugs “I don’t know”]'' :'''Jinx''': I’m from a small town outside [[w:London|London]] that you’ve probably never heard of. Oh, I scratched and clawed my way through hard times to come here with one dream. ''[We fade to a flashback of her entering America’s Next Top Feline, walking down the red carpet as people take pictures of her, voiceover]'' I wanted to be seen. I wanted to matter. ''[Cut to her holding a tuba. She stands still in stage fright. Crickets chirp. Voiceover]'' But... ''[wah-wah sound is heard]'' I was a failure. :'''Announcer''': ''[offscreen; spotlight shines elsewhere]'' The winner! :''[Fade to her sitting on a bench. A hand holds out to her, and she sees Vic and his cat crew]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[voiceover]'' And then, I met Vic and his crew. They were outcasts. Losers. Thugs. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. We became a real family. :''[Cut back to present day]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[scoffs]'' Vic and family. I know where this is going. ''[to Roland]'' Excuse me, garcon? Uh, when might we expect appetizers? Perhaps some amuse-bouche? :'''Jinx''': Then, one night...''[Cut to a flashback of the crew stealing quarts of milk from Lactose Farms. Voiceover]'' We were about to make our biggest score. Enough milk to last us for weeks! ''[She drops one bottle and tries to get it, only to be captured and thrown in a pound truck; flashback]'' Vic! '''VIC!!!!''' ''[Vic tries to go after the truck, but it drives off with her. Cut back to present day]'' :'''Vic''': Jinx, I tried to come back for you. You have to know that. :'''Jinx''': Oh, yes. You get an A for effort. :'''Garfield''': So, what happened next? :'''Jinx''': Imagine Alcatraz...''[Cut to her being served slop in the pound. Voiceover]'' But smellier. It was cold and lonely...''[One cat knocks her lunch away. Cut to Jinx sleeping under a smelly cat, voiceover]'' And stinky. So very stinky. I can’t ever state that enough. ''[Cut to her sulking at the fence. Voiceover]'' But it gave me purpose. I needed to get out. I just needed help. :''[A ball rolls over to her. She turns to see Roland and Nolan. Jinx throws the ball to Roland, who grabs it with his mouth. Smiling, she gets an idea. Later, the three of them break out of the pound. Cut back to present day]'' :'''Garfield''': So, your purpose was to escape jail and get involved with charities? :'''Jinx''': Nope. My purpose was...revenge. ''[Vic gulps in fear]'' :'''Garfield''': Oh, I see. I went the other way with it. :'''Jinx''': I’m kidding! Another cat would be bent on revenge, but I’m a...ooh, how do you put it? :'''Barry''': Evolved, compassionate, and incredibly self-actualized. :'''Jinx''': Bingo! ''[giggles]'' I had such trouble finding him and when I discovered you were his son, I had no choice but to kidnap you to lure him here. :'''Garfield''': Listen, I totally get it. It’s all a part of being associated with Vic. So, what do you need from him to make this right? :'''Jinx''': I simply want him to pay back the quart of milk I lost that night, and we’ll call it even. :'''Vic''': I can do that. :'''Garfield''': What he can’t do is raise a child. :'''Jinx''': Just one quart. :'''Garfield''': Just one quart. :'''Vic''': Done! :'''Garfield''': Done! :'''Jinx''': For every day I was in the pound. :'''Vic''': What now? :'''Garfield''': Nice twist. Well played. :'''Vic''': Uh, how long were you in the pound again? :'''Jinx:''' 4 years, 7 months, and 2 days. :'''Vic''': Whoa! That long? :'''Garfield''': Alright, I’m gonna do the math here in my brain and, uh...the way you do that is...''[clears his throat]'' Odie? :''[Odie barks to Garfield the grand total]'' :'''Garfield''': 1,675 quarts of milk. Exactly right, Odie. We both came up with it at the exact same time. :'''Vic''': Where am I gonna find that much milk? :'''Jinx''': Well, I suggest you go back to the place you double-crossed me. Lactose Farms. :'''Garfield''': Wow. Well, good luck, Vic. ''[laughs]'' I’ll leave you two to work on the fine print. We’ll just see ourselves out. Odie...''[He tries to leave but is stopped by Roland and Nolan]'' :'''Jinx''': Uh, no, you’re all going to do this. :'''Garfield''': What? Why me? He’s the one who abandoned you! :'''Jinx''': Yes, but this is more than a one-cat job. :'''Garfield''': If I’m sure Vic has a whole crew of lowlife cat burglars, he could ask. :'''Jinx''': Oh, I’m sure he does, but if I’m being completely honest, seeing how miserable you make one another brings me endless satisfaction. :'''Garfield''': Oh, well, thank you for your honesty. And if I don’t go? :'''Jinx''': You can stay and have a playdate with Roland and Nolan. ''[to the hench-dogs]'' Okay, boys, go play! :''[The two dogs proceed to maul two nearby mannequins]'' :'''Barry''': ''[clears his throat, last words]'' Ma’am. I think this is an opportunity to take a deep, cleansing breath and repeat your anger management mantra. :''[Suddenly, Jinx eats Barry and spits out a feather. The three are terrified by this]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[clears her throat]'' Anyone else have any objections? :'''Garfield''': ''[gulps nervously]'' Nope, I’m good. ''[gives two thumbs-up]'' Thanks for the opportunity. :'''Jinx''': Excellent! Now you boys have 72 hours...''[drinks her milk and throws her glass away]'' or else! <hr width="50%"> :''[Garfield, Vic, and Odie walk outside the abandoned mall]'' :'''Garfield''': I can't believe this is happening! I don't see you for years! And when I do, you're pulling me into a life of crime. :'''Vic''': I had this reunion playing differently in my head, too. :'''Garfield''': That's the difference between us, because I never wanted to see you again! :'''Vic''': I totally understand your anger, but give me a chance to explain. You'll see, I'm not the bad guy you think I am. :'''Garfield''': A good guy doesn't leave his kid in an alley! :'''Vic''': It wasn't like that. :'''Garfield''': ''[angry]'' IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE THAT! :'''Vic''': No, it wasn't. Let me tell you. :'''Garfield''': No, no, I don't want to hear it! This whole thing with Jinx, this is your mess, not mine! Come on, Odie. ''[Unfortunately, he is stopped by Roland and Nolan]'' :'''Roland''': Can’t let you do that. :'''Nolan''': We’ll be watching you. :'''Roland''': Like a hawk. :''[They hide behind a stop sign with Nolan giving Garfield a "We’re watching you" gesture]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[groans in frustration]'' Is today a Monday?! ‘Cause it feels an awful lot like a Monday. :'''Vic''': It’s Thursday. :'''Garfield''': Not to me, it’s not! :'''Vic''': Look, I know this isn't ideal, but we have to do this. ''[as Garfield growls]'' So, let's just try and make the best of our time together. :'''Garfield''': Our time together?! What are you talking about?! Once we get this milk, I want you out of my life! Forever! :'''Vic''': Alright, just relax. Lactose Farms is nothing but a sleepy little mom-and-pop dairy. This will be a quick grab-and-go. You’ll be back home before you know it. ''[laughs]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[sighs]'' How do we even get to Lactose Farms? It’s way out in the country. :'''Vic''': You ever jumped a train? :'''Garfield''': I’ve never jumped. :'''Vic''': Well, if jumping the train is too hard, just say it. :'''Garfield''': How hard could it be? :'''Vic''': Exactly! ''[laughs as he slaps Garfield to the ground]'' This is gonna be fun! ''[flexes his arms]'' :''[The next morning at the house, Jon walks down the stairs.]'' :'''Jon''': ''[yawns]'' Garfield? Odie? Hello? ''[notices the refrigerator door left open]'' Garfield, how many times have I told you to close the refrigerator door? ''[spots some food still on the floor when Garfield and Odie were kidnapped by Roland and Nolan]'' Wait. There’s food on the floor. ''[gasps]'' He's never left food on the floor. Garfield? ''[checks the halls]'' Garfield? ''[checks the closet]'' Garfield?! ''[checks under the couch]'' Garfield? ''[checks out the pet door]'' Garfield? ''[checks from the chimney]'' Garfield? ''[steps out the door]'' '''''GARFIELD!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Back with Garfield, Vic, and Odie as they slide down a hill and stop by the railroad tracks.]'' :'''Vic''': Our best shot at jumping on a train is here. :'''Garfield''': Hold on a sec. I’m just taking in the wind speed, the direction of the sun, and various angles. Yes, I say we jump the train from right here. :'''Vic''': Didn’t I just say that? :'''Garfield''': I’ve seen enough television a million times. We’ll need a hundred feet of rope... :'''Vic''': Uh-huh. Rope. Yeah, okay. ''[He sets Garfield on a branch and pulls it back]'' :'''Garfield''': We’ll throw the rope over that branch right there. :'''Vic''': Branch. Uh-huh. Got it. :'''Garfield''': Can you follow me? Alright. ''[as the train approaches]'' And then, timing it just right, we swing over as the train passes by and land on top of the car. Boom! :'''Vic''': Or we can do this. ''[He lets go of the branch, launching Garfield through an open train car]'' Odie! Jump, boy! :''[As the two jump on, Garfield is sprung off a tree, launching him into another. The two trees bounce him back and forth while Nolan and Roland watch from a distance.]'' :'''Nolan''': Part of me wants to help him. :'''Roland''': No. This is how he learns. :''[Then, Garfield bounces off the awning of a trailer, gets kicked off by a billy goat, and splats on a car window. He grins maniacally before the unfazed driver wipes him off the window. Cut to a catapult sale going on. A customer speaks to the salesman about a catapult.]'' :'''Used Catapult Customer''': I don’t know. It’s kind of pricey. How much does it handle? ''[Garfield lands on the catapult and it launches him away; impressed]'' Whoa! I’ll take it! :''[Garfield bounces off a parade float of himself, rolls downhill, falls off a cliff, lands and bounces off a power line, and finally lands in a pile of manure inside the train car Vic and Odie are on.]'' :'''Vic''': See? I told you this was gonna be fun! :'''Garfield''': ''[in the manure]'' You and I have different definitions of “fun.” <hr width="50%"> :''[Cut back to Jon’s house, he speaks to someone on the phone.]'' :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' Hello? :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' Oh, finally! Hello! :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' You’ve reached Find My Pet. If your pet is lost, we're here to help. :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' Hi! Yes! Great! OK. Uh, my orange tabby and my dog are both missing, and I need your help. :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed. :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' OK. :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' If you'd like to hear this call in Spanish...''[speaking Spanish]'' :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' What? :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' For Pig Latin, ess-pray even-say. :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' Come on. :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' For gibberish...''[speaks gibberish]'' :'''Jon''': ''[on phone]'' What do I press to talk to a real person?! :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' Your call is very important. There are ''[in deep voice]'' 1,046 ''[in normal voice]'' people ahead of you. :'''Jon''': What?! Garfield, where are you?! <hr width="50%"> :''[Back on the train, Vic tries to think up a plan.]'' :'''Vic''': ''[to himself]'' Okay, Vic, you gotta figure this out. ''[sighs]'' Jinx can’t be trusted and you gotta keep Junior safe. Just gotta figure out a way to get him out of this. ''[He finds Odie pulling twigs and spiked nuts off Garfield’s body]'' :'''Garfield''': Tell me. Is it a bird? It really hurts. OW! You pulled my hair! Is it a bug? A bug? OWWW, OWIE, OWIE, OWIE, STOP IT, ODIE! AAHH! Okay. :'''Vic''': ''[He facepalms but then sees Garfield’s collar and tag. He gets an idea]'' You know what, Junior? This is gonna be good for you. :'''Garfield''': ''[pulls a spike nut off his fur]'' What’ll be good for me? :'''Vic''': What we're doing. :'''Garfield''': We’re about to steal a truck full of milk from a dairy to pay back a deranged...''[pulls off another]'' cat. What part of that is going to be good for me? :'''Vic''': All of it! You can’t even imagine the life lessons you’re gonna learn. :'''Garfield''': Oh, yeah? Name one. :'''Vic''': Well, for starters, you already know how to get on a movin' train. ''[Laughs, Garfield is not amused. Clears throat]'' I found it funny. All I'm sayin', is that to break into a dairy, it's gonna take a few skills, I'm guessing a rounded, mush-filled, overly pampered indoor cat like you, ''[Garfield pokes his tummy]'' doesn't have. So, we need to toughen you up. :'''Garfield''': Toughen me up? Hey, I know tough, Vic. You obviously have never been in an [[w:Olive Garden|Olive Garden]] that’s run out of breadsticks. Anyway, I’m never gonna need those skills you’re talking about. :'''Vic''': But you’ll have them. :'''Garfield''': I'm never gonna break into a dairy, or anything else. Ever again. :'''Vic''': You are missing the point! You're going to learn to improvise. Think on your feet, develop moves that'll come in handy in the real world. :'''Garfield''': I wouldn’t be in the real world if it wasn’t for you! :'''Vic''': True. You’d still be hanging upside down in the mall. :'''Garfield''': You know, I would be asleep at home! :'''Vic''': Missing out on life all together! Look, I’m just a dad trying to teach his son skills. :'''Garfield''': Oh, no, no, no, no. You can't make up for five years of not being around. :'''Vic''': Uh, yes, I can. :'''Garfield''': No, you can’t. :'''Vic''': I think I can. :'''Garfield''': In fact, you can’t. :'''Vic''': Yes, I can! :'''Garfield''': You really can’t! :'''Vic''': With your attitude, I can! :'''Garfield''': ''[screams in anger]'' Okay, whatever, “dad!” ''[sarcastic]'' Wow, great lesson! ''[groans in upset]'' I’m done talking to you, you don’t know me, and you don’t know the first thing about me. I am not pampered. I am not anything you think I am. :''[After their talk, Odie has made the train car into a paradise for Garfield. He lays on a hammock]'' :'''Vic''': Okay. Just gonna say that blanket is not the best idea. :'''Garfield''': Ah, fantastic. Thank you. I’ll take it from here. ''[He puts the blanket over himself, only to be covered in spiders. screams]'' Get them off! Get them off! Get them off me! ''[Vic picks up him and lifts a bag of cedar chips over him]'' What are you doing? ''[Then, he opens it, dumping the chips on the spiders. Garfield pops out of the pile, stunned]'' What’d you do? :'''Vic''': Cedar chips. Spiders hate them. See? Another life skill learned. :'''Garfield''': ''[stunned]'' I-I-I... :'''Vic''': I think the words you’re looking for are “Thank you, pops.” :'''Garfield''': No, the word I’m looking for is... :'''Vic''': ''[sees Lactose Farms ahead]'' Oh! Here’s our stop! :'''Garfield''': Really? Where? ''[Vic kicks him out.]'' :'''Vic''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, Odie, you think he’d see that coming. ''[He and Odie jump off the train]'' :''[Not knowing Roland and Nolan are following closely behind]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[A balloon transition shows Lactose Farms as part-amusement park and part-factory. A steel gate shuts in front of the camera.]'' :'''Garfield''': Quaint. Just a simple little grab-and-go. :'''Vic''': Okay, okay, so they’ve done a few upgrades since I was last here. Stop being so dramatic. All we have to do is climb the fence. :''[A yellow bird perches on the fence and it electrocutes the bird, sending him flying and landing on the ground. Still alive but hurt. Garfield walks over to a tree and bangs his head against it two times. The shocked bird stumbles around, muttering. Garfield bangs his head once more. Then, he spots a purple [[w:Bull|bull]], Otto, sitting on a rock looking forlorn. He recognizes Otto and gasps.]'' :'''Garfield''': Wait. Is that Otto? :'''Vic''': Who? :'''Garfield''': Otto! Of Otto and Ethel? :'''Vic''': Uh, no clue what you’re talking about. :'''Garfield''': He’s one of the mascots of Lactose Farms. See? On the side of the barn? ''[He points to a painting of Otto and Ethel on the barn]'' I’ll bet he knows how to get into that place. :'''Vic''': Leave him alone. Seems to be in a period of meditation. Or depression. :'''Garfield''': Yes, he does. Mmm. This calls for cat sensitivity and diplomacy. :'''Vic''': Oh, yeah? And where are we supposed to get that? :'''Garfield''': I have it in spades. Watch. Maybe you’ll learn something. ''[He approaches Otto]'' Excuse me. You’re Otto, right? ''[Otto grunts in response. clear throat]'' I’m Garfield. A pleasure. :'''Otto''': Go away. :'''Garfield''': Just wanted to say I am a huge fan. I have eaten everything that has a picture of your face on it. :'''Otto''': I’m not that guy anymore. :'''Garfield''': I even loved that recalled provolone from a few years back. :'''Vic''': Junior, no! :'''Garfield''': Yeah. Anyways, here’s the thing. Me and my crew back there, we’re in a bit of a bind. Got ourselves in a situation. A long story short, we could use your help. :'''Otto''': ''[grunts]'' You’re a fan, huh? :'''Garfield''': Ha ha. Oh yes. Big time. :'''Otto''': Then sing the jingle. :'''Garfield''': Well, I don’t really sing on command. I’m not a circus animal. :'''Otto''': Sing it. :'''Garfield''': Really? ''[chuckles]'' :'''Otto''': Sing it! :'''Garfield''': ''[clears his throat and sings]'' ''♪ Lactose Farms. Lactose Farms. We’ve got milk, butters, creams, and cheeses. ♪'' :'''Otto''': More spirit! :'''Garfield''': ''[sings with more spirit]'' ''♪ As much as you want, as much as it pleases... ♪'' :'''Otto''': Livelier! :'''Garfield''': ''[sings in livelier and dances]'' ''♪ Come and take a look and see what we got! ‘Cause what we got is a whole lotta lot! Ha, ha! Bop chee bop. Bibbidi bop bop chee bop! ♪'' ''[scats while Vic facepalms]'' ''♪ The tasty goodness is our motto brought to you by Ethel and Otto! ♪'' ''[Suddenly, Otto punches him to a tree. In pain]'' What was that for? :'''Otto''': I hate that jingle. :'''Garfield''': ''[in pain]'' You could’ve just told me to stop. ''[He falls to the ground]'' :''[Garfield then notices Otto staring forlornly at a female cow, Ethel, being escorted out. The two look at each other lovingly.]'' :'''Farmhand''': Let’s go. Kids are waiting. :''[Ethel is escorted away and Otto sighs sadly before walking away. Feeling bad, Odie walks over to Otto]'' :'''Garfield''': Odie, come back! Leave him alone! He might punch you! :''[Odie comes to the bull and sits by his side. Otto warmly smiles, allowing the dog to stay by his side]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[refers to the cow in the farm]'' Was that Ethel? :'''Otto''': ''[He grunts, but Odie whines to the steer. He smiles at the dog before telling his story]'' A few years back, Old Man Lactose was forced out of business. The corporation that took over separated me from my Ethel. ''[Cut to a flashback of Otto being put in a wooden box while farmhands are lassoing Ethel; flashback]'' Ethel! :'''Ethel''': ''[flashback]'' You are my day! :'''Otto''': ''[flashback]'' You are my night! ''[Soon, the bull was sent out to pasture, separated from the love of his life; voiceover]'' I was put out to pasture. ''[Ethel is seen being harassed by children in the amusement park, voiceover]'' She was put on display as part of the tour. ''[Cut back to present day]'' I tried to get in there to break Ethel free, but they stopped me every time. Now I only see her six seconds twice a day. :'''Vic''': We...we feel you, Otto. Come on, let’s go, Junior. We’ll find another way to break in there. :'''Otto''': Wha-wha-what could you possibly want from that place? :'''Vic''': Oh, I don’t know. A couple quarts of milk? :'''Garfield''': A couple thousand quarts. ''[Vic nudges him]'' :'''Otto''': Good luck. :'''Vic''': We'll take any help when you have. :'''Otto''': Pass. :'''Vic''': I’m telling you, it’s a life-or-death situation. :'''Otto''': And I hope you’ve notified your next of kin. :'''Vic''': What if we can get Ethel out? :'''Garfield''': Or get you a commemorative pin? ''[Otto quickly returns]'' Where are we gonna find a commemorative pin? <hr width="50%"> :''[Later, Otto draws up a plan on the ground]'' :'''Otto''': Now pay attention. Here’s the perimeter of the plant and here are the two places you need to go. First, the truck with your milk is back here. And this delicate buttercup is my Ethel. My north star and reason for living is being kept by those barbarians in...the Donald’s hiccups Located here. This cricket represents the electrical room. This snail, the refrigeration room. This toadstool is the loading dock, where you’ll find the keys to the trucks. ''[He sets a pinecone in the middle of the square]'' :'''Garfield''': Hey, what’s the pinecone? :'''Otto''': The pinecone is the cheese and butter room. :'''Garfield''': Ooh, ''[As he rubbing his tummy]'' cheese is my love language. :'''Otto''': Now, for this briefing, I’ve done a quick reading of your personalities and have chosen tokens to represent each of you. ''[points to Vic]'' You are the majestic bullfrog. ''[A bullfrog appears, croaking]'' :'''Vic''': Oh, yeah. That feels right. :'''Otto''': ''[points to Odie]'' You are the curious and clever chipmunk. ''[A chipmunk appears. Points to Garfield]'' And you... :'''Garfield''': Wait for it. :'''Otto''': ''[He sets down a roadkill opossum]'' ...are roadkill. :'''Garfield''': Huh? What? Oh. ''[laughs]'' No, I get it. That’s a good one, Otto. Giving your new best friend roadkill. ''[pokes at the possum with a stick]'' Seriously though. What’s my real token? :'''Otto''': That is your real token. Now, if you have any chance of... :'''Garfield''': Excuse me. Can I switch to something living like a snail or a cricket? :'''Otto''': You should’ve spoken up sooner. At this point, it would be too confusing to switch. :'''Garfield''': Sooner? But you just told me this five seconds ago. :'''Vic''': Come on, Roadkill. Focus. :'''Garfield''': Oh, really? You give Vic the majestic bullfrog, you give Odie the curious and clever chipmunk, and then you give me, your new BFF, roadkill? I mean, it feels disrespectful, not gonna lie. :'''Otto''': What makes you think he’s dead? :'''Garfield''': My eyes. I have eyes and can see. :'''Otto''': It’s a possum. They’re masters at playing dead. :'''Garfield''': Well, then little Daniel Day Possum here should do Shakespeare in the Park. :'''Otto''': Things aren’t always what they seem. :'''Garfield''': You’re right. But in this case, they are. :'''Otto''': What’s the big deal? Possums play dead. :'''Garfield''': Oh, do they, Otto? Do they play dead? Do possums play possum? Is that what they do? :'''Otto''': Yes. Possums are very clever. :'''Garfield''': Well, I’m sure he was until the day he ate a pick-up truck. :'''Vic''': Uh, just ignore him. Please continue. I’ll just put this back where you had it. :'''Otto''': The straightest line to the loading dock is through the snail here. Then the cricket there. Cut through the toadstool and armed to the rock. Each of these rooms have their own set of unique challenges. :'''Garfield''': Well, why can’t we go straight through the pinecone? :'''Otto''': You don’t want to go through the pinecone. :'''Garfield''': Looks like the straightest shot is through the pinecone. :'''Otto''': You like walking with those feet, do you? You a fan of unimaginable pain and misery? Then go through the pinecone. :'''Vic''': Stay away from the pinecone. ''[clicks tongue]'' Got it. :'''Otto''': Once you’re inside the facility...''[Cut to a 2D-animated rundown of the plan as the Mission: Impossible theme plays. Voiceover]'' You will enter the electrical room. There you will locate the air vent. Pop the grate and climb up. Then you'll crawl through a maze of vents and drop down to the refrigeration room. Next, you will need to hurl your body over a 30-foot drop to a series of hand rungs. You'll propel yourselves hand over hand and drop down directly into a loading dock. From there, you'll locate the keys to the milk truck. Drive that truck to the west pasture of the complex, cut the lock on the gate, and find the closest thing we have to an angel here on earth. You'll escort my sweet Ethel onto the truck and drive her to freedom. ''[Cut back to reality]'' It’s going to take mad skills to get that milk and free my dear sweet Ethel. ''[refers to Odie]'' Clearly, this one’s qualified for the mission. ''[refers to Garfield]'' But I have some serious doubts here about all of...this. :'''Vic''': He’s pointing to you, Roadkill. :'''Otto''': Let’s get to work. :''[The others leave and Garfield pokes the opossum with the stick]'' :'''Garfield''': Stupid roadkill. :''[Suddenly, the possum springs to life and grabs the stick.]'' :'''Roadkill''': Hey! ''[whacks Garfield with the stick]'' I’m workin’ here! ''[resumes playing dead]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[groans]'' Definitely a Monday. <hr width="50%"> :''[Meanwhile, Jon is still on the phone]'' :'''Automated Voice''': ''[on phone]'' Your call is very important to us. If you’ve lost a cat, please press 1. ''[Jon presses 1]'' If your cat is orange, please press 2. ''[Jon presses 2]'' This doesn’t really accomplish anything but gives you the false sense that we’re engaged with you. :''[Jon sobs, and hugs a portrait of himself, Garfield, and Odie.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The next morning, Garfield, Vic, and Odie are ready for training]'' :'''Otto''': Alright, gentlemen, I’ve made a list of skills that you’ll need to master in order to break into Lactose Farms. Number one, develop lightning-fast reflexes. :'''Vic''': You tell Garfield there's a plate of pasta on the other side of the wall, and you will see lightning reflexes. :'''Garfield''': Yeah, no, no, no. Depends what kind of possum. :'''Otto''': ''[holds out a pebble]'' This pebble represents danger you may encounter. You need to grab it before it grabs you. :'''Garfield''': ''[scoffs]'' It grabs me. :'''Otto''': Snatch the pebble from my hand. ''[Garfield tries to grab the pebble, but he moves it away]'' Too slow! ''[He whacks Garfield with his horn]'' :'''Garfield''': Ow! What was that for?! :'''Otto''': Being able to grab the pebble could be the difference between life and death. :'''Garfield''': Alright, let me try that again. ''[grabs the pebble]'' Ha! Got it! ''[Otto whacks him again]'' What was that for?! :'''Otto''': It’s never just about the pebble. :'''Vic''': Come on, Junior. Everyone knows that. :'''Otto''': Your head’s got to be on a swivel at all times. :'''Vic''': You gotta be ready for anything. :'''Garfield''': I was ready! He changed the game! :'''Vic''': Sounds like someone’s making excuses. ''[Otto rolls a boulder, and it collides with him, flattening him like a pancake.]'' :'''Garfield''': And what was that about being ready for anything? :'''Vic''': ''[pops back to normal]'' You were distracting me! :'''Garfield''': Might I suggest putting your head on a swivel? :'''Otto''': You should've seen that coming! ''[as he hits Garfield and Vic]'' Toes on the line! Watch your grip! Cover your side! There are surprises around every corner at Lactose Farms. You need to stay alert. ''[squishes Garfield and Vic from above]'' Too slow! A baby could've seen that coming. Too slow! Too slow! Too slow! :''[As this goes on, Odie gets out a chair and sits down while drinking soda]'' :'''Otto''': You'll never make it through Lactose Farms if you can't survive this training. ''[He throws tree stumps as Garfield and Vic try to dodge them]'' :'''Vic''': Are you for real?! :'''Garfield''': What kind of dairy is this?! :'''Otto''': The kind of dairy that requires teamwork to survive. Danger could be anywhere gentlemen. You gotta be ready to outrun it! ''[He lifts up a big tree and charges toward them. Garfield and Vic run away]'' Here comes the pain! :'''Vic''': Left, right, left, right. :'''Garfield''': You’re confusing me! :''[They trip and tumble downhill, sliding on some mud, through the prickly field, jumping into a curvy looped log before coming right out of it, then getting their heads slammed on a beehive, breaking it before seeing their faces covered in bees. Garfield and Vic scream when sliding down. When they slide by some sleeping rabbits, a mother shushes them as the cats cover their mouths from each other. Once they’re past the rabbits, they screamed again before crashing into a tree]'' :'''Vic''': I think I'm gonna need a wring-out. :''[The tree falls and crushes them. Otto and Odie approach them]'' :'''Otto''': ''[to Odie; sighs]'' If this is going to work, these two have to be on the same page. I’m out of ideas. You got any? :''[Odie gives him a thumbs-up]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Odie leads the injured Garfield and Vic to rest by a tree]'' :'''Garfield''': Can’t believe I’m out in the middle of nowhere getting beaten up against my will by a former celebrity steer. :'''Vic''': Odie, can you tell my son to please stop whining? :'''Garfield''': Odie, can you tell Vic that I collapsed on this tree first and that he needs to find another one? :'''Vic''': Odie, can you tell my son that I’ll gladly find another one when I get the feeling back in my leg? :'''Garfield''': Odie, can you tell my father that he wouldn’t be lying in pain if he led a better life and didn’t create problems for himself? :'''Vic''': Could you please inform my son that he should focus on fixing his own issues? :'''Garfield''': Odie...''[He notices Odie has tied both him and Vic to the tree with vines while they were arguing.]'' Odie, what’d you do? ''[Odie harrumphs and walks away]'' After all I’ve let you do for me. :'''Vic''': What is this? ''[He tugs on a vine, springing Garfield's foot up. Garfield moves his foot on the vine, making Vic's hand smack himself.]'' Hey, watch it! :'''Garfield''': ''[He snickers. Vic pulls on the vine to make Garfield smack his hand on his own face]'' What’s the problem, Vic? Is this bothering you? ''[He proceeds to tug the vines to make Vic hit himself.]'' :'''Vic''': ''[strained]'' No. In fact, I don't mind it at all! ''[He moves the vines in a boxing motion, making Garfield punch himself.]'' :'''Garfield''': I don't mind it either! :''[Vic and Garfield pull at the vines to hurt each other. Odie and Otto are seen sitting on a branch, with the former eating popcorn]'' :'''Otto''': I could watch this all day. :''[Back on Garfield and Vic, they try to get out of the vines]'' :'''Garfield''': Stop pulling! :'''Vic''': I’m not! You’re pulling! :'''Garfield''': If I was pulling, you knew it! ''[grunting]'' Why does everything you do always end up hurting me?! :'''Vic''': Hurt you?! All I ever did was try to help you! :'''Garfield''': Oh, you sure? Cause every time you're around, it ends up with me in pain. ''[as he get hit by a branch]'' Ow! Odie, these ropes are not funny anymore...''[as he get hit by a branch again]''...OW! :''[Odie and Otto fist-bump]'' :'''Vic''': Maybe, if you were a little more open to seeing me, things might be better between us. :'''Garfield''': Oh, you do remember you were the one who left me in an alley, right? :'''Vic''': You don't know what you're talking about! :'''Garfield''': ''[clears throat]'' Then please enlighten me. :''[Vic sighs in sadness. On Otto and Odie...]'' :'''Otto''': This is about to get real. :''[Back on Garfield and Vic...]'' :'''Garfield''': Oh, that's right. You're normally never around to actually defend yourself. No back door to slink out of this time. First, you abandoned me! Years later, you pulled me into a life of crime. Well, classic "Father of the Year" stuff, Dad. You know why would I ever think that seeing you could be anything other than a train wreck?! :'''Vic''': ''[angrily]'' I DID NOT LEAVE YOU IN THAT ALLEY! :'''Garfield''': ''[bitterly]'' Oh, you did, you told me you'd come right back. You never did! :'''Vic''': ''[solemnly]'' No! That is not what happened. :'''Garfield''': Oh, please! You're probably on the run from someone like Jinx and I was in the way. :'''Vic''': No...No, that...that night...''[sighs]'' That night was different... :''[In a flashback, Vic sits by a bookstore called "Jim's Comic Books" while cradling Garfield, as a kitten, as people walk past them. Garfield's stomach grumbles. Vic spots a fish market across the street. They approach it, and stare at the fish.]'' :'''Fish Market Worker''': Hey! Shoo, shoo! Get out of here! :''[The worker chases them out. Vic runs off, then sees a hot dog stand. However, an angry dog growls at them. Vic quickly retreats down an alley, then stops by a dumpster with the wooden crate from the beginning of the film. Vic spots a food worker coming out of a restaurant to dump out garbage before re-entering. Vic looks over his shoulder, then places Garfield in the crate while petting his head.]'' :'''Vic''': Wait here, Junior. I’ll be right back. ''[approaches the garbage can, only to be scared off by the worker]'' :'''Food Worker''': Hey, get out of here! ''[Vic waits by as the food worker talks on his phone; on phone]'' Hey, how are you doing? Yeah, yeah. Ah, I had to shoo a cat. Yeah, yeah. Digging in the trash. Yeah. So what you up to now, huh? Still taking it easy? Uh-huh. Yeah. ''[Time passes. It’s raining, but the worker is still on the phone; on phone]'' Oh, no, you're kidding. Really? ''[chuckles]'' Oh, yeah, yeah. It's been raining here for a while now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'll see you then. OK, bye. :''[The worker goes back in the building. Vic comes over to find a sardine in the trash can. He grabs the lid as a dish, and runs back to the crate where Garfield was, only to find out that he'd disappeared. He looks around until he finds Garfield in Mamma Leoni's with Jon. Vic narrows his eyes as he walks over to the window. Through the window, Jon holds out a finger which Garfield waves his paws at. Vic watches Jon feed Garfield a slice of pizza. He looks over at the sardine on the lid, then looks sadly over at his son, who nuzzles with Jon. Dropping the lid, Vic smiles warmly, then looks alarmed as Jon chases Garfield around the restaurant. He then runs off to hide. Jon exits with the take-out box. The lid pops open, revealing Garfield, who looks up and down the street, seeing that there's no sign of Vic. As he stares sadly, he then smiles at Jon, who smiles back at him. Vic comes out from behind a mailbox to watch Garfield kissing Jon on his nose, then nuzzles him. Vic watches sadly as Jon leaves with Garfield. He ducks down behind the mailbox with a sad expression. In the present, Garfield stares wide-eyed about what happened.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[shocked]'' I… I never knew. :'''Vic''': I know, how could you? :'''Garfield''': Why didn't you ever come visit me? :'''Vic''': I did. A million times I… came to knock on your door, and I'd see what a great life you've had with Jon, so I just...thought it would be better if I kept my distance. :'''Otto''': ''[appears before Garfield and Vic]'' I sense a positive breakthrough in your relationship, am I wrong? ''[Vic shakes his head]'' Good. After an extensive evaluation, I have concluded that you two are, in fact, ready to move forward with this mission. :'''Vic''': We are? :'''Garfield''': How is that even possible? :''[Odie cuts down the vines with a pair of scissors.]'' :'''Otto:''' Mathematically, it isn’t. But given your present levels of incompetence and overall lack of basic skills... :'''Garfield''': Huh? :'''Otto''': I have determined it would take roughly...17 years to get you both properly ready for this job. And since we have..less than 48 hours, you passed. Congratulations. :''[Odie shakes their hands and hugs Garfield. Up in the tree, Roland and Nolan are spying on them while disguised as birds]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Back in the mall, Jinx sings in French while scribbling something with a red marker. Then, she cuts paper with scissors and some tape with her claw. Soon, she hangs up three images of Vic on a board full of pictures. It is clear that she resents Vic for the failed heist. Jinx laughs evilly while scratching one picture before noticing her hench-dogs have returned.] :'''Roland''': She’s really losing it. :'''Jinx''': ''[shakes off the tape]'' Yes, what is it? :'''Roland''': They’re ready to rob the dairy. :'''Jinx''': Purrrfect! Oh, everything is coming to plan. Now it’s time to make the call. ''[Roland gets out a cellphone from his folds]'' Excuse me, you keep that thing in your folds? That is so disgusting. ''[to Nolan]'' You, you dial the number and put me on speaker. ''[Nolan dials the number and puts on the speaker]'' :'''Female Phone Operator''': ''[on phone]'' Hello? :'''Jinx''': ''[on phone]'' Hello? Lactose Farms? :'''Female Phone Operator''': ''[on phone]'' How may I help you? :'''Jinx''': ''[on phone]'' It’s come to my attention that there will be an attempt to rob one of your dairy trucks tomorrow. It’s not important who I am or how I came to know this. Just think of me as a concerned citizen intent on fulfilling my civic responsibility as well as... :''[On the other side, the phone operators only hear meowing on the speaker. One of the operators goes to the office of his superior]'' :'''Male Phone Operator''': Uh, chief? We may have a situation. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[grabs her nightstick]'' Well, okay then. Let’s go have a look-see. :''[They check the speaker with Jinx still talking...or meowing]'' :'''Female Phone Operator''': This is the third time they called. :'''Male Phone Operator''': It just sounds like a cat crank-calling us. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[shoves her nightstick at his nose]'' If it were a dog barking, I’d be on board for a prank. Some dogs are born for mischief. They just are. Not cats. Oh, no. Cats mean business. ''[She gets out her phone, uses the Critter Talk, and selects a cat to translate the meowing.]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[on phone]'' I repeat, there will be an attempt to rob one of your dairy trucks tomorrow. I suggest you take appropriate measures to prevent this brazen thievery from occurring. Okay, I’m done. Hang up the phone. Ha, ha. What an evil genius I am. ''[hangs up]'' :'''Marge Malone''': Well then, still seem like a prank to ya? :'''Male Phone Operator''': Eh, that last part did a little. :'''Female Phone Operator''': What’s our next move, chief? :'''Marge Malone''': Our next move is for me to go back to my office and formulate an ingenious plan. And you go get my car waxed. ''[She enters her office and approaches the mirror; to herself]'' Well, well, well. Would you look at that, Margie Malone? We’re having company tomorrow. I guess I better take out my finest China to serve a heaping plate...''[puts on her hat]'' of justice! <hr width="50%"> :''[In the morning, back with the animals, Otto sets down acorn earpieces.]'' :'''Garfield''': What are those for? :'''Otto''': For us to communicate. Once you’re inside...the belly of the beast. :''[Odie growls in determination]'' :'''Garfield''': Uh, okay. Don’t we need something more like radio headsets? :'''Otto''': ''[sighs]'' Indoor cat. These are better. :'''Garfield''': I just feel like [[w:Bluetooth|Bluetooth]] would be better. :'''Otto''': These are better than Bluetooth. :'''Garfield''': These are better than Bluetooth? :'''Otto''': They’re equal, and I don’t have to pay for the brand. ''[He and Odie put acorn pieces in their ears. On com]'' Gold Eagle to Chipmunk, do you copy? :''[Odie barks back]'' :'''Garfield''': Of course you can hear him. He’s standing three feet away from you. ''[Otto snorts and gets out binoculars]'' Oh, I see you sprung for the binoculars. :'''Otto''': Now, we just need to find… a way in. :'''Garfield''': Anyone ever told you that you take a lot of dramatic pauses when you speak? :'''Otto''': ''[a beat]'' Yes. ''[He spots some kids exiting a school bus with one having an animal backpack]'' Bingo. <hr width="50%"> :''[Inside Lactose Farms, a tour is going on.]'' :'''Tour Guide Tracy''': Hello, everyone, and welcome to the one, the only Lactose Farms! If you will all gather around me, we’ll begin our tour and head into the heart of the farm. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She carefully watches surveillance footage for any robbers]'' I know you’re here. I can feel it. Show yourself. :''[Back in the tour...]'' :'''Tour Guide Tracy''': Today, you will discover the answers to all of your dairy questions. Including the most-asked dairy question of all time, “Are curds the way?” :''[We see Garfield, Odie, and Vic going incognito as backpacks]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Bullfrog, Chipmunk, Roadkill, do you copy? :'''Garfield''': Are you kidding me? They actually work? You should take this to Shark Tank. :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Now remember, the only way to get the keys to the milk truck and free Ethel undetected is by sneaking to the path I’ve mapped out for you. If you deviate from that path, you will trigger security and all bets are off. Understood? Alright, look alive. The electrical answers door should be coming up on your left. :'''Tour Guide Tracy''': ''[offscreen]'' Okay, this way. :'''Vic''': ''[He spots the door to the electrical room]'' Hey, look! There it is! :''[The three animals sneak off to the electrical room without being spotted.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Okay, we’re in. :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Continue through and locate the air vent at the end of the hallway. That will take you to the refrigeration room. :''[They spot the air vent at the end of the hallway]'' :'''PA Announcer''': ''[via intercom]'' Factory workers, your 15-minute break begins now. :'''Garfield, Vic, and Odie''': Ah! :''[They run off as employees come out the door. They walk past a janitor, not knowing it’s actually Vic, Garfield, and Odie.]'' :'''Garfield''': Blech! Ugh, your feet need a deep rinse! :''[They remove the disguise and open the air vent. Odie and Vic get in, but Garfield gets stuck in between]'' :'''Vic''': What’s the hold up, Junior? :'''Garfield''': How did you get through this? You’re bigger than me! :'''Vic''': ''[his stomach gurgles]'' Am I? :'''Garfield''': Yes! :'''Vic''': Well, the vent don’t agree. Try sucking in your gut! ''[He and Odie start pulling at Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': I am! :'''Vic''': Try sucking in your butt and your gut! :''[They pull Garfield off and they end up sliding down three separate paths. Soon, Garfield falls on the vent and plops down in the middle of a big platform. Vic and Odie arrive nearby.]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Bullfrog, what’s happening now? :'''Vic''': We fell out of a vent, into a room that looks like it was full of heavy machinery. :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Son of a cud. You’re in the pinecone. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She spots Garfield in the security footage]'' Jiminy Davis! The perp is a cat, and this one looks like it could eat us out of business! :''[Cut back to the animals, Garfield spots the loading dock in the distance]'' :'''Garfield''': Oh, Vic, Vic! Look! There’s the loading dock! :'''Vic''': Junior! Don’t move! :'''Garfield''': What, why? :'''Vic''': We’re in the middle of the pinecone! Otto told us to stay out of the pinecone! :'''Garfield''': Oh, stop. There’s no pinecone. Otto’s a bit of a worrywart. I can walk to the loading dock from here. ''[He tries to walk, but the floor opens beneath his feet, and he falls in]'' AAH! :'''Vic''': Junior! :'''Garfield''': ''[Then, he rises out on top of a big slice of cheddar cheese, eating part of it]'' Mmm. Oh, cheddar. Probably one of my top 26 favorite cheeses. ''[Vic stares at Odie, who shrugs. He notices a timer ticking down]'' What do you think happens when that gets to zero? :''[It hits zero and the cheddar cheese is moved out with Garfield on it!]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Bullfrog, what’s happening now?! :'''Vic''': ''[on com]'' Roadkill got carried away to the pinecone! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Listen to me. You have to carry on with the mission. Get to the loading dock before the workers return from their break or you’ll miss your only chance to get that truck. :'''Garfield''': ''[As he rides down the cheddar cheese...]'' No, no, no, ah! ''[It gets onto a grater slide]'' :'''Computer''': Shred sequence initiated. :''[The cheddar cheese slides down, shredding bit by bit by the grater slide. Odie barking]'' :'''Garfield''': Odie! Thanks, buddy, but I’m already full from the cheddar. ''[Odie barks to Garfield to jump off the cheddar he’s on]'' Oh, jump off? Good idea! ''[He jumps off and grabs onto another piece of cheese hanging next to Odie.] :'''Vic''': Oh, good. He’s safe. :''[However, Garfield’s cheese piece is moving away from Odie's.]'' :'''Garfield''': Uh, hang on. Wait, where am I going? ''[He spots a sign saying, "FONDUE AREA".]'' Fondue? ''[He sees approaching some giant pots of boiling melted cheese]'' Oh, no! ''[He tries to get away by jumping from cheese block to cheese block]'' :''[Odie barks in fear before spotting some cheese sticks being made. He grabs one and peels it to make rope. Garfield falls and is about to enter the hot fondue, but Odie lassos his friend away. However, Garfield ends up on a big block of butter. Knives drop down to cut it and Garfield dodges the blades. Odie rushes over to grab Garfield, but they're about to be cut by the blades]'' :'''Vic''': Junior! ''[As the two dodge the knives, Vic jumps to the rescue. He walks across some steamy fondue, bounces off a hot pot, and walks on more fondue. Just as the knives prepare to chop up Garfield and Odie...]'' Junior! ''[...he jumps in and saves them as the blades come down. As they pant, Vic holds up his severed tail]'' That was too close even for me. :'''Garfield''': ''[pants]'' Thanks. :'''Vic''': I couldn’t let you have all the fun. :'''PA Announcer''': ''[via intercom]'' Workers, your break ends in 5 minutes. <hr width="50%"> :''[They all rush out to the loading dock]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Okay, Otto, we’re in the loading dock. Where are the keys? :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' They should be hanging on a pegboard on the far wall. :''[Odie barks to Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': What do you mean we have a problem? :''[Odie points to the pegboard, empty of keys]'' :'''Garfield''': The pegboard is empty! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Empty? :'''Marge Malone''': Now would you look at this? Three misguided stray pets trying to steal a truck of milk. Never a dull moment at this dairy, is there, Margie? You were looking for these, aren’t ya? Oh, here you go then. ''[She throws them the keys and Garfield tries to get them, but they reel back to her.]'' So, how’s this gonna play out, fellas? The easy way or the hard way? And just so you know, I’m up for either. :'''Garfield''': ''[He spots a chair and nearby gets an idea]'' Follow my lead. :'''Vic''': Huh? What? :''[Garfield rushes to the chair and charges it toward Marge. Unfortunately, the guard binds Garfield's ankle with some restraints. Vic groans in dismay while Odie shakes his head.]'' :'''Marge Malone''': ''[cracks her neck]'' Who’s next then? ''[She chases after Vic and Odie]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Otto, that security guard has the truck keys! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Crazy eyes? Tragic sense of fashion? :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Yeah. How did you know? :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Marge Malone. ''[Cut to a flashback showing Marge towing him away from Ethel. Flashback]'' Ethel! :'''Ethel''': ''[flashback]'' Otto! :''[Cut back to present day]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' She’s not just my nemesis. She’s also my… ''enemy''. :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Love to hear about it, but right now, what do we do? :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Get those keys. I’ll create a distraction so you can get out of there. ''[As he runs off]'' :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She tries to get Vic and Odie]'' Come here, you! :''[Garfield hops over to a janitor's bucket and uses the mop to row across the floor. Marge is about to capture the two when the mop hits her head, obscuring her vision. Garfield grabs the keys from her]'' :'''Garfield''': You see that? That’s indoor cat style! :''[As the three rush to the truck, Marge gets the mop off her head and blocks their path before electrocuting Garfield with an electric rod.] :'''Garfield''': AAHH! :''[As Garfield lands in Vic and Odie's arms, the keys fly back to Marge via electric rod.]'' :'''Marge Malone''': No, no, no, no, you’re not getting away. I’ve already called the pound. Your days of thievery end today. :''[Suddenly, the alarm blares.]'' :'''PA Announcer''': ''[via intercom]'' Attempted Perimeter breach! :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She looks at the security footage to find Otto trying to open the gates.]'' Otto... :'''Vic''': ''[He looks at the button and the milk truck before getting a plan with a regretful look]'' Junior, sorry about this. :'''Garfield''': Sorry? For what? ''[Vic pushes him and Odie onto Marge, making her lose the keys. As Vic grabs the keys, Garfield is shocked]'' Vic?! ''[Vic presses the button to close the gate in front of the two and Marge. He then gets to the milk truck and turns back to look at his son with regret]'' What are you doing?! ''[Vic gets inside the milk truck]'' Vic! Don’t you go! Vic! Please! ''[Vic drives off, leaving him and Odie with Marge.]'' :'''Marge Malone''': ''[on com]'' Send security to the loading dock. :''[Vic bursts through the gates of Lactose Farms. Otto sees Ethel standing a few feet across!]'' :'''Ethel''': Otto! :''[Otto tries to run over to Ethel, but Marge drives in to stop him]'' :'''Marge Malone''': You do not want to try me today, mister! :''[Workers arrive to surround Otto with electric rods while Ethel is corralled. Otto angrily roars and charges, hitting Marge's car. Marge then zaps him with the rod]'' :'''Otto''': AAH! :'''Marge Malone''': Get him! :''[Otto is forced to retreat while Garfield and Odie are put in the back of the pound truck.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[As Vic drives the milk truck, he spots Roland and Nolan on the road. He screams as stomps on the brake, stopping the truck while it boops Roland on the nose.]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[offscreen]'' Welcome back...''[she appears]''...Victor! :'''Vic''': Hey, Jinx. Why you here? I was-I was bringing this to you. :'''Jinx''': Were you? Really? :'''Vic''': Of course it was. That’s what we agreed to, right? :'''Jinx''': Mmm. :'''Vic''': ''[sighs]'' So, you and me square now? :'''Jinx''': ''[chuckles]'' Not quite. There’s still the matter of those five years I lost because of you? :'''Vic''': What? But I thought this settled that. :'''Jinx''': ''[laughs evilly]'' It was never about the milk. It was about you getting caught trying to steal it and being sent to the pound. Like I was. You see, Vic, I needed you to suffer. Like I did. :'''Vic''': Oh. I see. And I’m guessing you have an idea about how that should happen. :'''Jinx''': As a matter of fact, I do. <hr width="50%"> :''[In the pound truck, Garfield and Odie sulk about their failed mission after Vic betrays them.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[heartbroken]'' I can't believe he did that. He ran out and left me...again. I thought he changed, but it was...it was a lie. All of it...''[sighs]'' How could I have been so stupid? ''[Fade to he's inside a cage in the pound]'' :'''Maurice''': Oh, come on, kid. Don’t beat yourself up. Vic, man. We’ve all been burned by Vic. :''[The other caged cats grumble and agree]'' :'''Olivia''': Oh, yeah, the one thing about Vic you can count on is that you can’t count on him. :'''Garfield''': Tell me about it. :'''Maurice''': Yeah, I tell you about it. Long story short, we all used to run in a pack until we had to kick him off the crew. :''[The cats chatter in agreement]'' :'''Olivia''': Like I said, couldn’t count on him. :'''Garfield''': Sounds about right. :'''Snickers''': He’d leave in the middle of the job just to go see his kid. :'''Maurice''': Yeah. He said he wanted to check up on him. Make sure he was doing okay. :'''Olivia''': But get this, he never actually visits. He’d just sit across the street from his kid’s house in a giant oak tree. :'''Garfield''': That never happened. :'''Olivia''': He watched that kid eat and eat... :'''Cats''': ...And eat and eat and eat... :'''Snickers''': He put a notch in the bark. Every time he was there. :'''Garfield''': ''[sarcastic]'' Oh, yeah. Sure he did. :'''Olivia''': And he’d go every Sunday night rain or shine. Said that it was his kid's... :'''Cats''': Family dinner night. :'''Garfield''': Okay, hate to tell you guys, I guaranteed that never happened. Okay? You all fell for another one of Vic’s lies. We all have ‘cause that’s what he does best. ''[Just then, Odie arrives outside Garfield’s cage.]'' Odie! Odie! How’d you get out? Quick! Pick the lock on my cage! :'''Jon''': ''[arrives at the pound]'' Garfield! There you are! :'''Garfield''': Jon! Oh, take me away from all of this! You can’t imagine what I’ve been through! :'''Female Pound Worker''': You want this one, too? :'''Jon''': Uh, yes, I do. :'''Female Pound Worker''': You sure he's yours? He didn't have a tag. :'''Jon''': Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, he has a tag. ''[shows her the collar and tag on Garfield’s neck]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[dumbfounded]'' I have a collar and a tag? How long have I had those? :'''Female Pound Worker''': OK, I’m just gonna need you to hold… :'''Jon''': ''[snaps]'' '''I WILL NOT HOLD! I AM DONE HOLDING! THE JON WHO WAS ON HOLD IS DEAD! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Soon, Garfield and Odie are back home!]'' :'''Garfield''': That’s right! I’m back, baby! ''[rushes over to his favorite chair]'' I was just talking about you, wasn’t I? ''[presses the button to put it in recliner mode]'' Oh, I’ve missed you, too. ''[turns on the TV to watch Catflix, then rushes over to Pooky and his bed]'' Pooky! I have a lot to tell you. You’re never gonna believe it. Crazy stuff happened. I slept outside twice! I know. Oh, and I made you this commemorative pin. ''[gets out a pin and puts it on Pooky]'' :'''Jon''': ''[offscreen]'' Dinner time! :'''Garfield''': Talk later! ''[kisses Pooky and runs off]'' :''[Garfield gets on the stair railing, slides down, jumps off, and floats down with an umbrella. He dances over to the dinner table, where Jon serves up lasagna for dinner. Garfield takes in the smell and Jon grates cheese on top of the food]'' :'''Jon''': Say when? :'''Garfield''': Never, Jon! Bury me in cheese! :'''Jon''': I have two more in the freezer. Let me know when you want them. ''[timer dings]'' I’m gonna go check on dessert. :'''Garfield''': Oh, I apologize in advance. ''[gets out a fork and a knife]'' The eating you are about to see will not be pretty. And if you have young children, this would be a good time for them to leave the room. :'''Odie''': Mm-hmm! :''[Garfield prepares to dig in until he notices a giant oak tree across the house.]'' :'''Olivia''': ''[voiceover]'' He’d just sit across the street from his kid’s house in a giant oak tree. :'''Garfield''': ''[He gets up from his seat and walks away. His stomach growls and tries to steer him back to the table]'' I know, I know. We’re coming back. ''[his stomach growls]'' I just need to check something out first. ''[He leaves the house and walks to the oak tree, causing a bit of traffic along the way]'' :'''Snickers''': ''[voiceover]'' He put a notch in the bark. Every time he was there. :'''Garfield''': ''[He climbs up the tree and looks around for a notch]'' He left a notch. ''[sighs]'' Yeah, right. ''[He looks up to see one notch followed by tons of notches scratched everywhere on the tree]'' He was here. He saw me grow up. :''[Odie barks from below and Garfield uses his claws to slide down the tree]'' :'''Garfield''': Oh. Ow. Wow. That really stings. I don’t know why I didn’t think it would. Give me a second. ''[gets off the tree and hugs Odie]'' Vic loves us! Me first, of course, but then you too, but me a lot. At first. ''[Odie scoffs]'' Wait, wait, wait, wait, but if he loves me, us, why would he let me, us, get captured at the dairy? Unless...''[gasps]'' he wanted us to get captured! ''[As he walks down the street, he causes more traffic]'' :'''Driver''': Hey, watch it! :'''Garfield''': Yes! He knew that Jinx wasn’t going to let him off the hook, but if we got caught, we get sent to the pound and Jon would come and get us! ''[Odie gets him off the road]'' Don’t you see, Odie? He was trying to save us! :'''Driver''': ''[offscreen]'' Losers! :'''Garfield''': We have to go save my dad. :''[Back in the kitchen, Jon wheels in a big candy volcano.]'' :'''Jon''': And here’s your favorite dessert, Mount Candy-toa! ''[notices they’re gone]'' Uh, guys? ''[He sees the two pets leaving and the volcano erupts, covering the entire kitchen and himself in candy.]'' Oh, come on! <hr width="50%"> :''[Garfield and Odie head back to the mall, where they find Jinx’s big board]'' :'''Garfield''': What is this? ''[They see pictures of Vic being scratched out before seeing a negative review on Mamma Leoni’s. Gasps in horrified]'' Half a star for Mamma Leoni’s?! ''[Growls in anger]'' She’s a monster! ''[Then, they see drawings of what Jinx plans to do to Vic.]'' She’s gonna tie him up... take him on a train...''[gasps]'' She’s gonna throw him off the Mile High Bridge! We’re gonna need help. But who can we call? ''[Odie gets out an acorn earpiece. Gasps]'' Ugh, you got a waxy buildup. What’s your q-tip routine? ''[Odie groans]'' You’re right, you’re right. We can deal with this situation later. ''[puts the acorn piece in his ear]'' Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Hello? :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Get off the line. This acorn call is for emergency use only. :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' Otto! Otto, please listen. I wanna make good on our original deal. But.. But I need a favor first. ''[a beat]'' Otto, are you still there or are you taking a dramatic pause? :'''Otto''': ''[on com; then]'' I’m listening. <hr width="50%"> :''[In the train, Vic is tied up while hanging upside down]'' :'''Jinx''': You know, Vic, you only have yourself to blame for this. :''[Roland plays the violin for dramatic music]'' :'''Vic''': Right. Look, there’s got to be some way for me to make this right. I mean, I know we can think of something. :'''Jinx''': Oh, there is, and you will. :''[Roland continues playing while Nolan uses a flashlight for dramatic lighting. As the train goes down the track...]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[Garfield and Otto approach the tree]'' :'''Garfield''': So, once I get on the train, I untie Vic and we jump off right as the train gets to the bridge. :'''Otto''': Correct. Chipmunk will be waiting for you. :''[Cut to Odie, he has made a net at the bottom of a cliff with spikes]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Confirm your status, Chipmunk. :''[Odie barks with a thumbs-up. Otto pulls back the branch while Garfield puts on his stunt suit]'' :'''Otto''': If you don’t jump right as the train gets to the bridge, you’ll miss the net. :'''Garfield''': Got it. It’s getting close. :'''Otto''': Have you considered throwing a rope over a branch and just swinging onto the passing train instead? :'''Garfield''': You watch too much TV. :'''Otto''': I’ve never watched TV. :'''Garfield''': This way is much better than your rope idea. :'''Otto''': Better than the versatile, reliable rope? :'''Garfield''': Look, I’ve studied the science. I know what I’m doing. :'''Otto''': And you think you can battle these villains on your own? :'''Garfield''': Oh, yeah. I have a plan. ''[speaks on com]'' Odie, make the order. :''[Odie barks and gets out Jon’s phone, confirming a new delivery]'' :'''Garfield''': Now get ready to fling me in the direction of that moving train. ''[As the train approaches...]'' Get ready. If I don’t make it back, tell my story. ''[The train comes near]'' Now! ''[Otto lets go of the branch, sending him flying]'' :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Roadkill, you’re too high! You’re gonna miss it! :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' No, no, this is how you do it. It’s called a ricochet approach. ''[He gets kicked off by a billy goat, knocking him out of his suit. Then, he bounces off Otto’s belly]'' :''[Cut to the train, Jinx sees a sign saying, "MILE HIGH BRIDGE - 5 MILES AHEAD".]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[laughs evilly]'' It won’t be long now! I can’t tell you how excited I am for what’s about to happen next! :''[Suddenly, Garfield flies into her, knocking her into Roland and Nolan. He then runs over to his dad.]'' :'''Garfield''': Dad, I’m here to rescue you! :'''Vic''': No, no, no, no, no, Junior, get out of here! :'''Garfield''': I'm gonna untie you and we're gonna jump off the train! :'''Vic''': NO, JUST LEAVE ME AND GO! :'''Garfield''': I DIDN'T COME THIS FAR JUST TO TURN AROUND! LET ME UNTIE YOU! :'''Jinx''': ''[grabs a nearby axe; enraged]'' You’re ruining everything! ''[She swings it down, but Garfield has it cut the rope instead, freeing Vic.]'' :'''Garfield''': Hurry! This way. ''[He and Vic carefully walk the side of the train car. As Garfield spots a ladder close by, Jinx summons her henchdogs]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[groans]'' You half-wit! Get them! :''[Garfield climbs to the top of the car. Vic tries to cross when Roland opens the door and tries to grab him. Vic throws the rope to Garfield, and he pulls him up. They see some oncoming branches and dodge them. Garfield sees the sign saying, "MILE HIGH BRIDGE - 3 MILES AHEAD".]'' :'''Garfield''': The bridge is coming up! We gotta get to the caboose now! :'''Vic''': What? Why? :'''Garfield''': Just follow my lead! :''[As they run toward the caboose, Roland appears in front of their path. They turn back, only to see Nolan. The two cats are surrounded.]'' :'''Roland''': Oy, kitty cat. Do you really expect to take on us all by yourself? :'''Garfield''': No. I brought...''takeout''. :'''Roland''': Huh? :'''Nolan''': Huh? :''[Up in the sky, we see tons of drones flying in with deliveries as the Top Gun theme plays. Garfield gets out of the rope and grabs onto a drone, flying up. He stuffs meatballs in his mouth and jumps down onto the train car, shooting them like a machine gun. They hit Nolan away and Jinx growls at this. Then, Garfield gets onto another drone to pour dressing on the salad. He throws the salad on the roof, making Roland slip on it.]'' :'''Garfield''': I never understood the purpose of salad until...''[he throws a salad leaf away]''...this exact moment. :''[Vic trips Roland. However, Garfield sees another sign saying, "MILE HIGH BRIDGE - 1 MILE AHEAD". Time is running out! He flies over to his dad]'' :'''Garfield''': Go, go! Now! ''[He and Vic head toward the caboose]'' :'''Jinx''': Get after them! :''[Roland chases them down. As Vic tries to jump, the big dog pulls him back by the rope. Garfield turns back and grabs a season shaker to pour it on Roland's eyes, stinging him. The cat hops over from one box to another]'' :'''Garfield''': Yeah, in case you were wondering, I do my own stunts. Me...and [[w:Tom Cruise|Tom Cruise]]. :''[Jinx grabs the box he's on, spins him around, and throws him off]'' :'''Vic''': Junior! :''[Luckily, Garfield gets on another. Vic cheers for his son]'' :'''Jinx''': ''[to her hench-dogs]'' Stop him! :''[Garfield hops across a path of pizza boxes and grabs a container of Mamma Leoni's Hot Sauce. He opens it and gulps the sauce down. He then gets on the train car and breathes fire at the villains, scaring them off.]'' :'''Vic''': Now that’s amazing! :'''Garfield''': ''[his tongue numb]'' I can’t feel my tongue! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Roadkill, are you at the caboose ready to jump? :''[Garfield sees the caboose being a few train cars away. He sees a hanging tree branch and gets an idea. He uses the rope to catch the branch and swing him and his father to the caboose. However, the two cats hang by both sides of the car. Vic makes it while Garfield flies around and runs across a wall]'' :'''Garfield''': Dad! Dad! :'''Vic''': Jump, Junior! I’ll catch you! :''[Garfield jumps and Vic catches him. He pulls his son in for a hug, but they see the villains glaring from inside the car. Garfield sees a sign reading, "MILE HIGH BRIDGE AHEAD". They have arrived at the Mile High Bridge!]'' :'''Vic''': What do we do now?! :'''Garfield''': We do this! ''[He pushes Vic off the train.]'' :'''Vic''': '''AHHHHH!''' :'''Garfield''': See you, everyone! ''[He falls off the train but notices his dad flying up]'' :'''Vic''': ''[flying up]'' The net’s too tight! :'''Otto''': ''[on com]'' Roadkill, the net is too tight! :'''Garfield''': ''[on com]'' I heard! ''[He bounces off the net and he and his father crash through the caboose]'' :'''Jinx''': Hello again! Welcome back. Now, where were we? ''[Soon, the two dogs hang Garfield and Vic over the side of the train, ready to drop them]'' No, no, don’t throw them over just yet! I want to find the perfect place for them to make the biggest splat. :'''Vic''': Hey, Junior. Junior, Junior. :'''Jinx''': Get ready! Almost there! :'''Garfield''': Sorry my rescue didn’t work out. :'''Vic''': No, you gave me another chance. That’s all that matters. :''[Garfield smiles at his father. Roland and Nolan see this, touched at the father and son moment]'' :'''Jinx''': Now! Now! Drop them now! ''[gasps]'' What are you waiting for?! :''[However, the two dogs refuse to drop Garfield and Vic.]'' :'''Roland''': Their love for one another indicates that despite their current circumstance, they are at peace. ''[Nolan nods]'' Because...they are together. :'''Jinx''': So? :'''Nolan''': If the point of your revenge was to hurt them...It has done the opposite. It’s actually textbook irony! :'''Roland''': And we’re no longer comfortable with your plan! ''[Nolan nods]'' :'''Jinx''': You two are still as weak as you were when I found you sniveling in the pound! ''[imitates Roland]'' "Oooh, no one will adopt us. I never grew into my folds. I hide behind them because I'm socially awkward." ''[imitates Nolan]'' "Please! Somebody love me! Even if I can’t sit still for more than 10 seconds and have the attention span of A BLOODY GOLDFISH!" :'''Roland''': We did everything you ever asked of us. I even spoke with this ridiculous accent to make you feel more at home! But no more! ''[speaks in a Brooklyn accent]'' I’m New York, loud and proud! I love myself the way I am, and I’m a big, brave boy, baby! :'''Nolan''': I’ve been working on my attention span! ''[notices a hot air balloon and gasps]'' Is that a hot air balloon? :'''Jinx''': ''[growls as her mood necklace turns red, furiously; last words before her defeat]'' You two... ARE... '''WORTHLESS!''' ''[She pushes her former hench-dogs along with Garfield and Vic off the train. She laughs evilly, only to get knocked off by an overpass.]'' :'''Garfield, Vic, Roland, and Nolan''': ''[screaming]'' :''[As Garfield, Vic, Roland, and Nolan fall, they all grab hands and Roland’s folds open up like a parachute, floating them safely down]'' :'''Garfield''': Might I just say, as someone else with a zaftig figure, you have a beautiful body, sir. :'''Roland''': Oh, dear! :''[Unfortunately, they give way and they resume falling down. Just then, Otto swings in on rope, saving them all]'' :'''Otto''': Rope. Versatile. Reliable. :'''Garfield''': There’s something about your cadence that really throws me, but thank you. :''[Otto also grabs the falling Jinx and sets the five of them on the net. Jinx ends up getting stuck. Nolan cackles at this.]'' :'''Roland''': Tee-hee. :''[Odie licks Garfield before embracing him]'' :'''Vic''': Tossing me off the train? Did not see that coming. :'''Garfield''': Well, when you live in the wild, you gotta keep your head on a swivel. :'''Vic''': Right. :'''Garfield''': ''[eats a leaf]'' It’s basic Outdoor Cat 101.... ''[then]'' And that had bird poop on it! ''[spits it out]'' :'''Otto''': Hey, you good, Roadkill? :'''Garfield''': Not quite. There’s one last thing to take care of. Cut to... <hr width="50%"> :''[Cut to nighttime on a bridge, away from the city. Marge drives up to meet with a mystery figure holding a kennel.]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[voiceover]'' It was a dark and foggy night. The air was damp and heavier than a broken pipe. On nights like this, you can’t swing a cat without hitting shady characters making shady deals all over town. ''[Marge flashes headlights at the figure, who flashes his flashlight back. Voiceover]'' Oh, but this night was going to be different. Justice was about to be served with a helping of retribution on the side. :'''Marge Malone''': ''[She steps out of the truck]'' Is that the package? :'''Garfield''': ''[disguised voice]'' It is. :'''Marge Malone''': Well, we have a deal. ''[She whistles and Ethel steps out of the truck]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[disguised voice]'' No one will come looking for her? :'''Marge Malone''': Nope. I did what you said. I burned her paperwork, and then shredded it, and burned it some more. It’s like she never existed. Except for the image of her face on millions of dairy products. :''[Ethel comes over to the figure, who gives Marge the kennel and some keys. The mystery figure is actually the three animals with Garfield using the same Critter Talk app to mask his voice]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[disguised voice]'' This...never happened. :'''Marge Malone''': Agreed. ''[She leaves with the cage, revealing Jinx inside it. She growls at Marge]'' Oh, save it, Cat Fancy! I know you planned the milk truck heist and then tried to throw those innocent cats off a train to cover it up. The boys told me everything. :''[Jinx sees her former henchdogs now working for Marge. She hisses at them. Meanwhile, Ethel looks around until she finds Otto. They are reunited at last!]'' :'''Ethel''': Otto! ''[hugs Otto]'' You are my day. :'''Otto''': You are my night. :''[Otto and Ethel stare lovingly at each other. Otto sprays cologne in his mouth and prepares to kiss her, but Ethel leaps onto him and they both have a romantic kiss.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[The next morning, Garfield, Odie, and Vic arrive at Jon’s house]'' :'''Garfield''': Uh...''[sighs]'' Well, this is us. :'''Vic''': Right. Your home. I just.. :'''Garfield''': I just wanted to say I’m sorry. :'''Vic''': I’m sorry. What are you sorry for? :'''Garfield''': For misjudging you. :'''Vic''': Oh. Well, thanks. Well, I just wanted to apologize to you for… :'''Garfield''': Everything bad that happened to us the last three days? :'''Vic''': You know, you had your hand in a few bad decisions back there, too, but...''[sighs]'' Yeah, I’m sorry for dragging you into my world. This is where you belong here. Here with Jon and...''[to Odie]'' what’s your name again? Odor? :'''Odie''': Huh?! ''[growls then pants happily before hugging Vic]'' :'''Vic''': So, um, I should go. :'''Garfield''': Yeah, yeah. I mean, unless you want to come in. :'''Vic''': I don’t know. I don’t think that would work. I’m...I’m an outdoor cat. :'''Garfield''': Right. Sure, sure. No, I just...I figured... :'''Vic''': No, no, no, I get it. But you know, I got this thing on the other side of town I gotta go do, so... :'''Garfield''': No, I’m very busy, too. Yeah. :'''Vic''': See you around then? :'''Garfield''': You know where to find me. :'''Vic''': In the kitchen. Well, take care. And remember, ''[imitates Otto]'' stay out of the pinecone. ''[He leaves the two alone and Odie barks at Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': What? You heard him. It’s for the best. :'''Odie''': ''[shakes his head]'' Mm-mm. :''[They go inside the house and reunite with their owner]'' :'''Jon''': Oh, you’re back! What is going on? Are you okay? I was so worried! I was gonna add more locks to the door. You know, try to keep you in, but then I thought, well, what if they wanted to be outdoor pets? Do you want to be free range? ''[They shake their heads “no”. Sighs in relief]'' I really missed you, guys, and I gotta say it’s great to be together again, the whole entire family. You have no idea what the last few days have been like: phone calls and hold times and tears... :''[As Jon talks, Odie barks to Garfield]'' :'''Garfield''': Don’t give me that. I asked him to stay. ''[Odie grumbles]'' He wanted to leave. ''[Odie groans]'' You heard him. He said he had to...''[Odie growls]'' Well, I-I...''[Odie growls again; groans]'' Fine. I’ll be right back. ''[He heads out of the house]'' :'''Jon Arbuckle''': Wait! Wait! What?! Am I using trigger words that I’m not aware of? ''[Odie pats his shoulder]'' :''[In outside, Garfield running far away and he stops and he look sideways of the neighborhood, and then Garfield approaches the oak tree where his father is.]'' :'''Garfield''': So, you coming in or do we have to bring food up there to you? :'''Vic''': I’ll come to you. I just need to finish something up here. ''[He comes down, Garfield hugs him in embrace, and they head back to the house]'' :'''Garfield''': You know, those notches show how much you love me. :'''Vic''': Is that what you think of me? :'''Garfield''': Yep. :'''Vic''': Nah, I was just counting how many slices of lasagna you ate. <hr width="50%"> :''[Last lines; cut to Garfield preparing food]'' :'''Garfield''': ''[voiceover]'' My medium is cuisine. My colors are flavors. My palette is my palette, if you will. ''[Soon, He's done making food. Though it doesn’t look appetizing]'' Dinner is served. :''[Odie uses a fire extinguisher to put out the flames in the oven]'' :'''Vic''': Wow, son! I didn’t know you could cook. :'''Garfield''': Ah, yes. ''[as he tries to pull out a piece]'' Pasta is my paint and the dinner plate is my canvas. ''[puts out a piece with a saltshaker in it]'' Oh, so that’s where that went. ''[He gives a piece to Vic, who tries it]'' :'''Vic''': I had worse. ''[laughs]'' :''[Garfield serves Odie and Jon a few more pieces]'' :'''Jon''': Thank you, Garfield. ''[notices Vic eating up]'' Uh, is he gonna be coming around for dinner often? :'''Garfield''': Yeah. He's family. :''[Odie barks, Jon and Garfield laughing. But suddenly, Jon receives a notification on his phone.]'' :'''Jon''': What? Why do I have a take-out bill for 6,000 drone deliveries?! :''[Garfield shushes the audience. We cut to a montage of Vic and Garfield living together. Vic uses a Walmart app to purchase a big chair on wheels to join his son. Then, they eat out food from the fridge. Next, they eat their pizza the same way Garfield did in the opening before picking their teeth clean. At the restaurant, they, along with Odie, disguise themselves to order food. On the bed, Garfield lies on Jon’s face and Vic lies on top of him, breaking the bed down from his weight. Cut to them riding in Jon’s car while sticking their heads out the windows. Jinx is seen doing community service by cleaning up trash. She throws her grabber and helmet down in anger. At Garfield’s birthday party, everyone is invited. Otto, Ethel, Liz, Marla, Vito, Vic’s old cat gang, the token animals, Roland and Nolan...Even Nermal appears, asking for a slice of cake. Garfield glares at him. Finally, Jon puts up a big picture of him and his pets, including Vic.]'' <hr width="50%"> :''[After the credits, we fade to a three-panel comic strip in the style of Jim Davis.]'' :'''Garfield''': Why are you still here? Oh! I know! You're waiting for the sequel! == Cast == *'''[[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]]''' — [[w:Garfield (character)|Garfield]] *'''[[w:Harvey Guillén|Harvey Guillén]]''' — [[w:List of Garfield characters#Odie|Odie]] *'''[[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]]''' — Vic *'''[[w:Hannah Waddingham|Hannah Waddingham]]''' — Jinx *'''[[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]''' — Otto *'''[[Nicholas Hoult]]''' — [[w:Jon Arbuckle|Jon Arbuckle]] *'''[[w:Cecily Strong|Cecily Strong]]''' — Marge Malone *'''[[w:Brett Goldstein|Brett Goldstein]]''' — Roland *'''[[w:Bowen Yang|Bowen Yang]]''' — Nolan *'''[[Snoop Dogg]]''' — Maurice *'''[[w:Janelle James|Janelle James]]''' — Olivia *'''[[w:Angus Cloud|Angus Cloud]]''' — Snickers *'''[[Jeff Foxworthy]]''' — Zapped Bird *'''[[w:Eugenia Caruso|Eugenia Caruso]]''' — Maria *'''Cameron Bernard Jones''' — Barry, Lactose Farms Phone Operator #1 *'''Alicia Grace Turrell''' — Ethel, Lactose Farms Phone Operator #2 *'''Dev Joshi''' — [[w:List of Garfield characters#Dr. Liz Wilson|Liz Wilson]] == External Links == {{Wikipedia}} * {{imdb title| id=5779228| title=The Garfield Movie}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=the_garfield_movie|title=The Garfield Movie}} [[Category:2024 films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Garfield films]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Films set on trains]] [[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films based on comics]] [[Category:Reboot films]] [[Category:Films directed by Mark Dindal]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] jpdwq475z96pepcxja8ggidgc7nhrnp 0 274981 3944768 3936662 2026-05-24T07:41:49Z ~2026-21334-34 3308640 /* Riley Andersen */ 3944768 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Ice hockey puck on ice 20180112.jpg|thumb|If I'm good at hockey, I'll make friends.]] '''''{{w|Inside Out 2}}''''' is a 2024 American [[w: Computer-animated|computer-animated]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It is a sequel to ''[[Inside Out (2015 film)|Inside Out]]'' and tells the story of Riley's emotions as they find themselves joined by new emotions that want to take over Riley's head. {{center/s}}'''Make room for new emotions.'''{{center/e}} :''Directed by {{w|Kelsey Mann}}. Written by {{w|Meg LeFauve}}, and Dave Holstein.'' ==Emotions== ===Joy=== * ''[first line of the film]'' Let's play some HOCKEY! * This is Joy coming to you live from Riley's mind. And we are expecting a great championship today with the Foghorns! Get up on your feet and make some NOISE! * Turns out, when you put all of those beliefs together, they make the most wonderful thing of all: her Sense of Self. * This is for all memories that belong in the ''back of the mind''. Like this penalty one, it's weighing on her, so let's ''lighten the load''. A one-way express to "We're not going to think about that right now." * We keep the best and ''toss'' the rest! * Orange? Who made the console orange? * I know new emotions can sometimes feel unhelpful at first and you just wanna...say to them. "Why are you so annoying?" But, I've learned that every emotion is good for Riley. * Look, again, love the energy. But you're being silly. None of this will actually happen. * You can't just bottle us up! * Riley's secrets, a rogue emotion has taken over Headquarters. * ''[talking to Disgust about Lance Slashblade]'' Don't you remember his ''power move''? * Why can't they just leave her alone? * Boy, are we so lucky we ran into you guys! * Delusional? ''[shouts]'' ''OF COURSE'' I'M DELUSIONAL! Do you know how hard it is to stay positive all the time when ALL YOU FOLKS DO IS ''COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN''? JIMINY MOTHER-LOVING TOASTER STRUDEL! '''Do you think ''I'' have all the answers'''? Of '''course I don’t'''! ''[Defeated]'' We can’t even find the back of our own mind... Anxiety is right. Riley doesn't need us as much as she needs them. And that ''hurts''. It really hurts. * ''[as she and the other emotions enter Imagination Land]'' This place has changed. * We can't let her do this to Riley! We need to shut this down! * ''[facing Anxiety]'' If you wanted her to be happy, then you'd stop hurting her! * ''[looking at the memory of Riley getting a two-minute penalty for tripping in her hockey game and another of her getting an F on a test]'' That's not… ''[picks up more memories; on the verge of tears, losing hope]'' Come on, please. What am I missing? * I don't know how to stop Anxiety. Maybe we can't. Maybe this is what happens when you grow up, You feel less joy. * I know what to do. But we're gonna need a lot more dynamite. * ''[confronting Anxiety]'' You don't get to choose who Riley is. Anxiety… you need to let her go. * Every bit of Riley makes her who she is. And we love ''all'' of our girl. Every messy, beautiful piece of her. ===Sadness=== * Yay. * Oh, that was our favorite shirt. * ''[helping Embarrassment]'' Oh, I got you, big guy. * You take such good care of Riley. * ''['''Joy:''' Have I ever steered you wrong before?]'' Yeah, many times. * Oh, this is a sad story. * But he's a video game character. Why is he here? * What’s your name, big fella? * ''[talking to Joy on walkie-talkie]'' Anxiety is making Riley break into the coach's office! * ''[to Anxiety]'' This isn't who Riley is. * Joy, Riley wants you. ===Disgust=== * No, no, no, no! That's not ours! * Aah! Who are you people?! * I never miss a look. * Orange is not my color. * Uh-uh. What do you mean, "we"? * Guys, you just got to turn on the charm. * The Riley we knew is gone. * They're using Riley's imagination against her! * Riley paints her nails to match her jersey. Everybody copies her and she is so cool! * Fear, you have a parachute?! ===Anger=== * Let me at 'em! * Did we grow overnight? * What’s going on?! AAAAAAH… * Do I ''look'' orange?! * Wow, those guys are jerks. * The teacher's lounge has a hot tub? * It's a brain storm! * I have an idea, but I really don't like it. * Occasionally, she can do the wrong thing. * Joy, you've made a lot of mistakes. A-A lot. And you'll make a whole lot more in the future. But if you let that stop you, we might as well lie down and give up now. ''['''Fear''': Well, actually, that does sound kinda nice-- [Disgust smacks Fear] Ow!]'' Come on. * We buy flowers for the losing team! What? I can't always be the rage guy. ''[You liar!]'' ===Fear=== * We gotta get our mouth guard, people! * How dare you, madam! * We are suppressed emotions! * I didn't touch it. * Joy, if we can't follow the stream, we don't know where we're going. And if we don't know where we're going, we can't follow the stream! It's an endless loop of tragedy and consequences! * This whole trip is just a series of deader and deader ends! * Riley wears knee pads. * She can have really bad ideas. ===Anxiety=== * Hello, everybody! * Oh, my gosh. I am just such a huge fan of yours. And now, here I am, meeting you face to face. Okay. How can I help? I can take notes, get coffee, manage your calendar, walk your dog, carry your things, watch you sleep. * Oh, I'm sorry. I can get ahead of myself. Uh, I'm Anxiety. Uh, I'm one of Riley's new emotions and we are super jazzed to be here. Where can I put my stuff? * That's Embarrassment. He's not really big on eye contact or like uh, good talking, but he's a really sweet guy. * Look, we all have a job to do. You make Riley happy, Sadness makes her sad, Fear protects her from the scary stuff she can see, and my job is to protect her from the scary stuff she can't see. I plan for the future. * She finally arrives at high school. She has no one. She eats alone, and only the teachers know her name. * That's not going to haunt us for the rest of our lives at all. * I know change is scary, but we need new friends, or else we'll be '''totally''' alone in high school. * Riley's life is more complex now. It requires more sophisticated emotions than all of you. You just aren't what she needs anymore. * It's not forever. It's just until Riley makes varsity, or until she turns eighteen, or maybe forever. I don't know. We'll have to see. Bye! * Let Operation: New Riley begin. * Come on, Riley, get it together. * YOU HAVE TO SCORE, RILEY! OR THIS WILL ALL HAVE BEEN FOR NOTHING! * ''[during Riley's panic attack]'' Joy, I'm sorry. I was just trying to protect her. But you're right. We don't get to choose who Riley is. ===Envy=== * I wish I was as tall as all of you. ''['''Anger:''' "Who the heck are you?"]'' I'm Envy. Whoa, look at your hair! ''['''Disgust:''' "Oh, yeah. Not happening."]'' Look at her hair! We need hair like that! * These girls are so cool! * Oh, I’ve always wanted people to talk about us, but not like this. * We eat whatever Val eats. * Anxiety, you're putting too much pressure on her! ===Ennui=== * Ennui. It's what you would call the boredom. * Non. * Console app. * Ooh la la, Joy is so old school. * That was like 30 seconds ago, Nostalgia. * Bravo, Joy, she's totally fitting in now. * Why are we up so early? * Aren't we already good at hockey? * You care too much about things. * Um, sorry to interrupt you but, they're walking away. * Uh, what do you think pockets are for? * Ugh, pardon! Excusez-moi! I've been waiting my whole life for this very moment. * My phone! Where is my phone? Seriously?! This is not happening! No, no, no, no, NO! * Pff, they wouldn't know cool if it hit them in the face. * Okay, but, ''how'' are we gonna score three goals? * She can be bored, but never boring. ===Nostalgia=== * Remember when we all finally came up to Headquarters? * Yeah. Those were the days. ===Embarrassment=== * And she's got us! Woo-hoo! Yeah, right? 'Cause she’s… ==Dialogue== :'''Joy''': ''[as Riley goes to the penalty box, two minutes for tripping; voice-over]'' Okay, looks like we have a couple of minutes while Riley takes a breather. Let me catch you up. Riley is still exceptional. And not just because she's the top of her class, which by the way, she is. She's also really kind, and she's nice to stray cats, I mean, come on! Oh, and she's officially a teenager now. She got very tall, very fast. :'''Anger''': ''[off-screen]'' Did we grow overnight?! :'''Sadness''': ''[off-screen]'' Oh. That was our favorite shirt. :'''Joy''': ''[voice-over]'' We even got braces with extra rubber bands! :'''Dentist''': How does it feel? :'''Riley''': Great! ''[one of the extra rubber bands snaps off from her braces and hits the dentist's face]'' Sorry. :'''Joy''': Riley's personality islands are still going strong. :'''Disgust''': Glad to see Boy Band Island ''finally'' broke up. :'''Fear''': But Goofball is still monkeying around! ''[laughs]'' :'''Sadness''': Wait, where's Family Island? :'''Joy''': It's right there. ''[gives Sadness binoculars]'' :'''Sadness''': ''[sees Family Island through the binoculars, revealing to be smaller than the other islands]'' Oh, there it is. But what's that blocking it? :'''Joy''': Oh, that's Friendship Island. Isn't it amazing? ''[voice-over]'' But we realized her islands aren't the only things made by memories. Way down, at the root level, these memories were also creating beliefs. <hr width=50%> :'''Coach Roberts''': ''[to Riley, Grace, and Bree]'' Hey, girls. Congratulations on your win! :'''Joy''': ''[gasps]'' That's the high school coach! ''[she and Disgust exclaim excitedly]'' :'''Coach Roberts''': What a game! That last play? Whoo! The three of you were impressive! :'''Riley''': Thanks, Coach Roberts. :'''Coach Roberts''': Look, its last minute, but every year, I do a three-day skills camp. I invite all the best players in the area. I love for you girls to come. :'''Fear''': Are we in a dream right now? Please, can somebody pinch me? ''[Anger punches him in the arm]'' Definitely awake. :'''Joy''': If we impress Coach, she'll put the three of us on the team next year. :'''Anger''': Ooh, the Fire Hawks. Finally, a team I can get behind! :'''Coach Roberts''': What do you say? :'''Riley''': YES! Thank you, Coach! Thank you, thank you! :'''Bree and Grace''': ''[in unison]'' YES! :'''Coach Roberts''': Great! We'll see you tomorrow. ''[Riley and her friends squeal in excitement; Later that evening, at Riley's house…]'' :'''Jill''': What a big day! :'''Bill''': Ha! You are such an all-star! Oh, you're going to knock the coach's skates off! Hockey scholarship, here we come! :'''Riley''': ''[happily]'' Dad, stop! It's just hockey camp. I mean who knows what'll happen. ''[inside her mind, the memory of her getting a two-minute penalty for tripping shows up; worried]'' My penalty almost lost us the game today. What if I get to camp and screw it up? :'''Bill''': Hey, don't talk like that. :'''Jill''': Yeah. You did great today, honey. :'''Joy''': Exactly! Mom gets it. ''[removes the memory]'' :'''Riley''': Yeah, I guess. :'''Jill''': We are so proud of you. <hr width=50%> :'''Sadness''': Joy, are you taking that where I think you're taking that? :'''Joy''': Wanna come this time? :'''Sadness''': Yes. I-I mean, no. Oh, no. I-I-I really shouldn't. :'''Joy''': You know, you’re the only one who hasn't been to the Belief System. :'''Sadness''': Yeah, it’s just that it's new, and I know how important it is, and I don't wanna mess it up, break it, burn it to the ground or anything. :'''Joy''': Sadness, you won't hurt it, I promise. Have I ever steered you wrong before? :'''Sadness''': Yeah. Many times. <hr width=50%> :'''Jill''': ''[enters Riley's room as Riley wakes up]'' Riley, you aren't packed yet? :'''Riley''': ''[as Anger presses a button on the console, making her really frustrated; groans]'' You're always on me! Can't you just lay off for like ''one'' second?! :'''Disgust''': Uh, overreact much? :'''Anger''': I barely touched it. Those morons broke the console!!! :'''Jill''': Riley, what's wrong? :'''Sadness''': Oh. Mom looks sad. ''[presses a button on the console, making Riley feel more emotional]'' :'''Riley''': ''[weeps]'' I'm the '''WOOOOOOORST!!''' ''[cries]'' :'''Jill''': Oh, no. Honey... :'''Sadness''': I barely touched it. :'''Anger''': That's what I said. ''[Riley then sniffs her armpits]'' :'''Disgust''': Let the professional handle this. ''[cracks her knuckles and presses a button on the console, making Riley overreact]'' :'''Riley''': I'M TOO GROSS TO GO TO CAMP OR ANYWHERE EVER *'''AGAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN!'''* :'''Disgust''': Oh, yeah, this is totally broken. ''[Zoom into Jill's mind and her emotions.]'' :'''Jill's Anger''': Well, we all knew this day would come. :'''Jill's Sadness''': Remember, we agreed not to make a big deal about this. :'''Jill's Disgust''': But she really does stink. :'''Jill's Anger''': Oh, it's bad. :'''Jill's Sadness''': Remain calm. Stick to the prepared script. ''[presses a button on the console, making Jill try to console Riley]'' :'''Jill''': ''[sits down on Riley's bed]'' You are not gross, honey. You're just changing. Remember that beautiful butterfly we saw in the park last week? ''[inside Riley's mind, the emotions are using an extended arm to reach the console]'' Well, that butterfly began as a caterpillar. And just like that caterpillar, you're about to get your wings. But if you have questions... :'''Joy''': Easy... ''[The hand touches a button on the console, making Riley overreact more.]'' :'''Riley''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, my gosh, Mom! Just go away! [gets up from her bed and leaves]'' UGH! :'''Jill's Anger''': Well, that's a preview of the next ten years. <hr width=50%> :'''Disgust''': ''[notices Bree with a worried smile on her face]'' Wait, what was that? :'''Joy''': What was what? :'''Disgust''': We got a look. I don't like this. :'''Joy''': What? You're paranoid. :'''Disgust''': I never miss a look. ''[brings up a panel and begins typing; a system begins examining Bree and the screen zooms in on her pushed eyebrows]'' Enhance 224, 176. Track right, zoom in, right... there! :'''Anger''': So? :'''Disgust''': She's hiding something. But what? :''[Riley is suspicious; zoom into Bree's mind and emotions.]'' :'''Bree's Sadness''': What is she doing? :'''Bree's Anger''': She's looking at our look! :'''Bree's Disgust''': No, it's much more than that. ''[brings up the same panel and types, comparing Riley's suspicious expression with the same system]'' :'''Bree's Joy''': She looks the same to me. :'''Bree's Disgust''': Overlay and compare. See? Riley then, Riley now. Riley then, Riley now. :'''Bree's Anger''': It's so obvious. :'''Bree's Sadness''': But what does it mean? :'''Bree's Disgust''': ''[realizes]'' She knows we're hiding something. :''[Zoom into Grace's mind and emotions.]'' :'''Grace's Disgust''': What is happening right now?! :'''Grace's Fear''': I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! :'''Grace's Anger''': I can't take it anymore! :''[Grace's Fear accidentally activates the console, making Grace reveal the bad news.]'' :'''Grace's Disgust''': You spilled the tea! :'''Grace''': ''[blurting out]'' Coach Roberts isn't gonna be our coach next year! ''[shockingly covers her mouth and whimpers]'' :'''Bree''': ''[nudges Grace]'' Grace! We… ''[sighs]'' We got assigned to a different high school. :'''Disgust''': Ah-ha! (What?) Oh… Oh, no. :'''Riley''': ''[hesitantly]'' Oh… Okay. Um… Yeah. No big deal. :'''Fear''': This is a HUGE deal! :'''Anger''': Our life is over! :'''Disgust''': Is she serious right now? How long have they known us? :'''Anger''': We can't go to high school without Bree and Grace? :'''Sadness''': We won't know anybody. :'''Bree''': We'll still get to hang out. :'''Grace''': And we'll have this weekend, which means we'll get one last time playing on the same team. :'''Bree''': Friends are forever, right? :'''Riley''': Yeah. Of course. <hr width=50%> :''[Just as Riley arrives at hockey camp, she comes face-to-face with Valentino Ortiz.]'' :'''Val''': You're the one Coach told us about. Riley, from... Michigan, right? :'''Anger''': It's Minnesota, sweetie! :'''Disgust''': No, no, no, no! We cannot correct Val Ortiz. ''[The console suddenly turns orange, with Riley speaking in an anxious manner.]'' :'''Riley''': Yep, that's me. Riley from good ol' Michigan. ''[chuckles nervously]'' :'''Joy''': ''[confused]'' Orange? Who made the console orange? :'''Anger''': Do I look orange? :'''Fear''': I didn't touch it. :'''Disgust''': Orange is not my color. :'''Sadness''': Not me. :''[As they back away, they see what appears to be a new orange emotion with upturn frizzy hair, and wearing a striped-orange and white sweater and brown pants.]'' :'''Anxiety''': Hello, everybody! ''[the emotions scream in surprise as Joy protects them]'' Oh, my gosh. I am just such a huge fan of yours! And now, here I am, meeting you, face to face. ''[squeals]'' Okay. How can I help? :'''Joy''': Uh... :'''Anxiety''': I can either take notes, get coffee, manage your calendar, walk your dog, carry your things, watch you sleep. :'''Joy''': Wow, you have a lot of energy. Maybe you could just stay in once place. :'''Anxiety''': Anything. Just call my name and I'm here for you. :'''Joy''': Okay, love that and what was your name again? :'''Anxiety''': Oh! I'm sorry. I got ahead of myself. Uh, I'm Anxiety. Uh, I'm one of Riley's new emotions and we are just super jazzed to be here. ''[carries three suitcases on each arm]'' Where can I put my stuff? :'''Disgust''': Ah-ah-ah. What do you mean "we"? :''[A little cyan emotion with sparkly eyes then appears as she climbs up on the console.]'' :'''Envy''': ''[sighs]'' I wish I was as tall as all of you... :'''Anger''': Who the heck are you? :'''Envy''': I'm Envy. ''[gazes at Disgust's hair]'' Oh, look at your hair. :'''Disgust''': Oh, yeah. Not happening. :'''Envy''': ''[looks at Val; gasps]'' Look at ''her'' hair! We need hair like ''that''. ''[presses a button on the console]'' :'''Riley''': Oh, my gosh. I love the red in your hair. ''[slowly reaches out her hand to touch Val's red streak]'' :'''Val''': ''[nervously]'' Oh. Uh... :'''Disgust''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing!? ''[panicky grabs Envy and pulls her away from the console]'' :'''Riley''': Hey, maybe when I make the team, I can join Team Redhead, too! ''Yeah, yeah!'' :''[A big pink emotion, wearing a gray hoodie, presses his hand on the console, making her blush in shock as he whimpers.]'' :'''Anger''': Okay, who's this guy? :'''Sadness''': What's your name, big fella? :'''Anxiety''': That's Embarrassment. He's not really big on eye contact or like good talking, but he's a really sweet guy. :'''Joy''': Well, welcome to Headquarters, Embarrassment. Oh. We're doing a fist? No? Going high. ''[high-fives him]'' You got a real sweaty palm there, buddy. ''[Embarrassment whimpers and kneels on the floor]'' :'''Val''': Hey. You want to come with me, actually? We can meet some of the other Fire Hawks. :'''Anxiety''': Oh, this is exciting. But we can't let her know we're excited. ''[The console then turns indigo]'' :'''Riley''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yep. Sounds good. :'''Anger''': What emotion was that? :'''Anxiety''': That's Ennui. :'''Joy''': En-what? :''[Pan over to Ennui, an indigo emotion wearing a tracksuit and socks, lounging on the couch while addicting to her phone]'' :'''Ennui''': ''[groans]'' Ennui. It's what you would call "the boredom". :'''Joy''': Well, come on up here, En-wur. Am I saying it right? En-wah. No. Oh! Nicknames! I'm gonna call you Oui-Oui. :'''Ennui''': ''[uncaringly]'' Non. :'''Fear''': How are you driving? :'''Ennui''': Console app. ''[shows the app on her phone, demonstrating how it works]'' :'''Anger''': Hey! Stop it! That's enough. :'''Joy''': Now, now, I know new emotions can sometimes feel unhelpful at first, and you just want to... ''[squeezes Sadness]'' say to them, "Why are you so annoying?". But I've learned that every emotion is good for Riley. ''[tussles Sadness' hair]'' Even this turkey. :'''Anger''': ''[reluctantly]'' Okay, fine. :''[Ennui uses her console app, making Riley act wearily.]'' :'''Riley''': Cool. Lead the way. :'''Val''': All right, grab your stuff and follow me. <hr width=50%> :'''Coach Roberts''': Ladies! Settle in means settle down. I need your focus. Which means now I'm going to need your cellphones. ''All'' of them. ''[the girls all complain over this; tuts]'' You're here to work, not goof around. ''[glares sternly at Riley]'' Got that, Andersen? :''[Embarrassment presses a button on the console, making Riley blush in foolishness.]'' :'''Riley''': ''[moronically]'' Yes, Coach... :'''Coach Roberts''': Please put all your phones in the basket. You'll get them back at the end of camp. ''[walks around, holding the basket as all the girls drop their cellphones in it, and so does Riley]'' :'''Grace''': ''[whispering]'' Wow. Coach is ''so'' serious. <hr width=50%> :''[Anxiety and the other new emotions sent the original emotions to the Vault inside a jar.]'' :'''Fear''': WE ARE SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS! '''RUN!!!''' :''[The emotions (except Joy) starts losing it.]'' :'''Joy''': Stay calm! Riley's going to be fine. ''Totally'' fine. No need to run. :'''Bloofy''': Hey, there. You know what we call that? "Denial". Can you say "denial"? ''[Fear's flashlight points to a 2D preschool show character; the emotions scream]'' Hi, friends! ''[talking to "the audience"; breaking the fourth wall]'' Welcome! It's so good to have you here with us today! :'''Joy''': ''[laughs]'' It's Bloofy! :'''Disgust''': From that preschool show Riley used to like? :'''Bloofy''': That's right, and here's a little secret. ''[presses his nose against the jar, making Fear nervous]'' <small>Riley still likes the show.</small> ''[walks away from the jar and turns to the audience to sing his song with Joy dancing along in the background; singing]'' ''♪ Stomp like an elephant, scurry like a mouse, make your way down to Bloofy's House! ♪'' :'''Anger''': Please kill me... :'''Joy''': Bloofy, we're in a real pickle! Could you help us get out of here? :'''Bloofy''': ''[to the audience]'' Uh, oh! We're gonna need your help! Can you find a way out? :'''Anger''': ''[annoyed]'' WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? :'''Bloofy''': ''[to the emotions]'' My friends! ''[to his shadow and the wall, where the audience would be]'' Do you see a key? ''[silence]'' Hmmm... I don't either. :'''Fear''': Okay, we're doomed. :'''Lance Slashblade''': Indeed. Welcome to your eternal fate. :'''Disgust''': ''[gasps]'' Lance Slashblade? :'''Sadness''': But he's a video game character. Why is he here? :'''Disgust''': Yeah, I always thought Riley had a secret crush on him. :'''Joy''': ''[uninterestedly]'' I never saw the appeal. :'''Lance Slashblade''': I long to be a hero, but darkness haunts my past. <hr width=50%> :'''Disgust''': You listen to me, Lance Slashblade. No one is totally worthless. :'''Lance Slashblade''': But I am a warrior cursed with a feeble attack. :'''Disgust''': Then you must make your curse your gift! <hr width=50%> :'''Ennui''': ''[exhausted]'' Why are we up so early? :'''Anxiety''': Because ''mon-ami'', we need to speed things up. And that means we hit the ice early and practice like we've never practiced before. :'''Ennui''': Aren't we already good at hockey? :'''Envy''': We're ''good'', but the Fire Hawks are great. :'''Anxiety''': That's right. ''[Riley misses a puck, making her skate around the rink]'' Every time we miss, we skate a lap around the rink. Hockey is not a game; it is a sport. :'''Envy''': That was amazing. :'''Anxiety''': We need to be that good every time. Let's run it again. :'''Val''': Hey, I see I'm not the only one who likes to start early. :'''Anxiety''': You guys, it's Val! We had the same idea! :'''Envy''': We're basically the same person. We're gonna be best friends! :'''Val''': How long have you been here? :'''Riley''': I-I don't know. Maybe an hour? I just wanted to get in some extra ice time. :'''Val''': I'm the same way. :'''Anxiety''': Oh, my gosh. She gets us. :'''Val''': See? I told the other girls you'd figure it out. You get what it takes to be the best. :'''Envy''': Look at us. This is going great. :'''Anxiety''': Yeah, but we need Val to really like us. :'''Envy''': Oh! We should ask Val lots of questions. People love talking about themselves. :'''Riley''': So, what was your freshman year on the Fire Hawks like? :'''Val''': I mean… It was a lot of work. Like a lot. But it's also how I met my best friends. :'''Anxiety''': Val is sharing things with ''[squeals]'' US! :'''Val''': Hey, a few of us are just gonna hang out tonight, order some food. You should come! :'''Envy''': An exclusive invitation. Mwah-ha-ha! We're going! :'''Riley''': Really? :'''Val''': Definitely! It'll be fun. :'''Coach Roberts''': Alright, ladies, let's warm up. :'''Grace''': Hey, Riley. :'''Riley''': Hi. :'''Envy''': Huh! We are not sharing Val with them. :'''Val''': Early mornings make me so hungry. :'''Riley''': I know, right? I'd give anything for a piece of pizza right now. <hr width=50%> :'''Riley''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, yeah. Get Up and Glow is so awesome. :'''Bree''': Riley, what are you talking about? You ''love'' Get Up and Glow. :'''Riley''': Oh! Uh... Hey, guys. :'''Envy''': ''[growls frustratedly]'' Oh, why are our best friends always trying to hang out with us!? :'''Grace''': Come on, Riley, we just went to their concert. :'''Riley''': Well, yeah. I mean, sure. But like… :'''Bree''': But what? :'''Grace''': We had a great time! :'''Anxiety''': Grace, you are not helping. :''[Ennui presses the console again.]'' :'''Riley''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, yeah. We had a great time. :''[The Sar-Chasm keeps growing.]'' :'''Joy''': Why can't they just leave her alone? :'''Anger''': What are we gonna do now, Joy?! :'''Joy''': We're going to take the long way, which is the best way. Stretch those hammies, Anger! Let's go! <hr width=50%> :''[Joy is trying to get a vehicle to work, whilst Fear, Anger, and Disgust talk amongst themselves about Riley's current state and Joy's plan.]'' :'''Joy''': Okay, well, this isn’t working. But it's fine. Everything’s fine. :'''Disgust''': This is hopeless. I say we cut our losses and walk back. :'''Fear''': This whole trip is just a series of deader and ''deader'' ends! :'''Anger''': Ever since that puberty alarm went off, nothing around here works the way it's supposed to! :'''Disgust''': I don't even recognize this place anymore. It's light out at 1:00 in the morning! :'''Fear''': I have never been inside so many jars in my life. :'''Disgust''': And the Riley we knew is '''gone!''' :'''Anger''': And if Joy can't see that, well, then she's ''delusional!'' :'''Joy''': ''[turns around and stares at them]'' Delusional? ''[snaps]'' ''OF COURSE'' I'M DELUSIONAL! Do you know how ''hard'' it is to stay positive all the time? When all you folks do is ''complain, complain, complain!'' Jiminy mother-loving toaster strudel! ''[smacks the controls of the vehicle, whilst Fear cowers and Anger smiles]'' Do you think I have all the answers? Of ''course'' I don't! ''[sighs heavily]'' We can't even find the back of her own mind. ''[cowers in front of the control panel]'' Anxiety is right! Riley doesn't need us as much as she needs them. ''[starting to break down into tears]'' And that hurts... it really hurts. :''[The other emotions look at each other in guilt, and Anger walks up to Joy]'' :'''Anger''': Joy, you've made a lot of mistakes. A-A lot. And you'll make a whole lot more in the future. But if you let that stop you, we might as well lie down and give up now. :'''Fear''': Well, actually, that does sound kind of nice. ''[Disgust slaps him]'' Ow! :'''Anger''': ''[offers Joy his hand]'' Come on. :''[Joy is helped up to her feet by Anger, and the emotions continue their journey.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Joy''': Come on, we just need to cut through… ''[gasps]'' Imagination Land! Oh, you guys are going to love it! There's French Fry Forest, Cloud Town and… ''[notices some changes around]'' Whoa. This place has changed. Mount Crushmore? :'''Fear''': Those are her top four? :'''Disgust''': ''[sighs dreamily]'' The only one that matters is Lance. :'''Joy''': Well, at least they got his good side. :'''Disgust''': Every side is his good side. <hr width=50%> :'''Anxiety''': All we got to do is to sneak into her office and read it. Come on, Riley, move those feet. :'''Envy''': She doesn't want to...? :'''Anxiety''': Are we pushing her too hard? :'''Envy''': We have got to see what's in the notebook. It's the only way for us to know how we can do better. ''[touches the console]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Sadness uses Ennui's phone to stop Riley from looking through Coach Roberts' notebook.]'' :'''Anxiety''': Wait, why'd she stop? ''[gasps, seeing the console turning blue]'' Sadness? Ennui! Where's your phone? :'''Ennui''': ''[starts panicking]'' Ooh-la-la... My phone! Where is my phone? Seriously?! ''[looks under the couch]'' This is not happening! No, no, no, no, NO! :'''Anxiety''': Okay, she's gotta be here somewhere. Find her. :'''Envy''': GOTCHA! :''[Envy and Ennui shove the binders to catch Sadness, but she's not there; Embarrassment sighs in relief.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The emotions make it to the back of the mind and see a huge mountain of bad memories.]'' :'''Fear''': That is a lot. :'''Joy''': This is more than I remember sending back here. :'''Disgust''': ''[picks up a memory of Riley bumping her head into a glass door]'' Oh, when she walked into that glass door at that party. Oof! :'''Joy''': Yeah, and breaking Grandma's favorite plate. Thank goodness these aren't part of her. <hr width=50%> :'''Disgust''': Okay, so how do we get her Sense of Self from here to ''there?'' :'''Anger''': ''[sighs]'' I have an idea, but I really don't like it. :'''Joy''': Anger, Riley needs us. :'''Anger''': ''[reluctantly]'' OH, POUCHY! ''[echoes; no response]'' Well, what are you waiting for? Say the words. :'''Emotions''': OH, POUCHY! ''[echoes]'' :'''Pouchy''': ''[suddenly appearing in front of them]'' Hi, everybody! I'm Pouchy! :'''Anger''': We know! :'''Joy''': Pouchy, we need to get back to Headquarters. Do you have ''anything'' that can help us? :'''Pouchy''': I have lots of items. Which one do you think will work the best? A roll of tape, a rubber ducky, or-- :'''Anger''': No time! ''[pulls him down and takes out three sticks of dynamite from his mouth] :'''Disgust''': Seriously, Pouchy? Dynamite? Don't you have, like, a-a jetpack, a plane or something that's gonna help us?! :'''Pouchy''': ''[miffed]'' What do you think I have, everything in here?! I offered you the rubber ducky. I offered you the tape. :'''Joy''': ''[gets an idea]'' I know what to do. But we're gonna need a lot more dynamite. :'''Pouchy''': You know what? Good luck-- ''[Anger puts his hand back in Pouchy's mouth so he could pull out more dynamite]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Coach Roberts''': ''[blowing her whistle after Riley aggressively accidentally crashes into Grace; sharply]'' Andersen! Penalty box, two minutes. :'''Anxiety''': ''[horrified]'' NO! :'''Bree''': Grace, are you okay? :''[Riley watches Bree and Coach Roberts checking on Grace to see if she's alright.]'' :'''Envy''': We hurt Grace! :'''Anxiety''': It all happened so fast. I didn't even see her! <hr width=50%> :''[Bree and Grace check on Riley in the penalty box after she calms herself down from her panic attack]'' :'''Grace''': Riley, you okay? :''[The other emotions step forward while Joy remains by the new Sense of Self.]'' :'''Riley''': ''[gets up]'' Yeah. I mean… no. ''[starts breaking down]'' I was such a jerk to you, guys. When you guys told me you were going to a different school, I freaked out. And... ''[sighs]'' I'm so sorry. If you don't want to be friends anymore, I get it. But… I really hope that you can forgive me… someday. <hr width=50%> :'''Anxiety''': I love our girl. :'''Joy''': How could you not? She's super smart. :'''Sadness''': And great at hockey. :'''Disgust''': She's really creative. :'''Ennui''': She can be bored, but never boring. :'''Joy''': But she can be a little sarcastic from time to time. :'''Fear''': She can have really bad ideas. :'''Anger''': Occasionally, she can do the wrong things. :'''Joy''': Sometimes, she can be too hard on herself, but every bit of Riley makes her who she is. And we love all of our girl. Every messy, beautiful piece of her. <hr width=50%> :''[During the end credits at the Andersen house; the Andersens are eating dinner at the table]'' :'''Jill''': So, Riley, how was camp? :''[Zoom into Riley's mind]'' :'''Joy''': Okay, we talked about this. We tell them everything. :'''Riley''': Uh… :'''Anxiety''': But what about sneaking into Coach's office? :'''Anger''': What about hitting Grace? :'''Envy''': Remember the lying? :'''Disgust''': Are we gonna tell her about the Fire Hawks? :'''Anger''': She doesn't need to know. :'''Fear''': Objection! :'''Ennui''': Pardon. ''Excusez moi''. ''[presses a button on the console app on her phone]'' :'''Riley''': ''[nonchalantly]'' It was good. ''[eats her food]'' :''[Jill makes a "Please tell me you're joking" look before zooming into her mind and her emotions.]'' :'''Jill's Anger''': She goes away for three days and all we get is, "good"? :'''Jill's Anxiety''': ''[appears from the curtains]'' And what about the red in her hair?! Did she join a gang? :'''Jill's Sadness''': ''[gives her tea to chill]'' Welcome back, Anxiety. :''[Zoom into Bill's mind and his emotions.]'' :'''Bill's Anxiety''': ''[pops up]'' She goes away for three days and all we get is, "good"?! :'''Bill's Anger''': Yeah. Sounds right. Back to the game. ==Taglines== * Big changes. New emotions. * Make room for new emotions. * Contain your emotions. ==Cast== {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} * [[Amy Poehler]] — Joy * {{w|Phyllis Smith}} — Sadness * [[Lewis Black]] — Anger * {{w|Tony Hale}} — Fear * {{w|Liza Lapira}} — Disgust * [[Maya Hawke]] — Anxiety * {{w|Ayo Edebiri}} — Envy * {{w|Adèle Exarchopoulos}} — Ennui * {{w|Paul Walter Hauser}} — Embarrassment * Kensington Tallman — Riley Andersen * {{w|Diane Lane}} — Jill Andersen * {{w|Kyle MacLachlan}} — Bill Andersen * [[w:Lilimar Hernandez|Lilimar]] — Valerie "Val" Ortiz * Sumayyah Nuriddin-Green — Bree * Grace Lu — Grace * Yong Yea — Lance Slashblade * {{w|Ron Funches}} — Bloofy {{col-2}} * {{w|Yvette Nicole Brown}} — Coach Roberts * Hadlee Gannaway — Pouchy * [[Steve Purcell]] — Deep Dark Secret * {{w|Dave Goelz}} — Mind Cop * {{w|Kirk Thatcher}} — Foreman * [[Frank Oz]] — Mind Cop #2 * {{w|Paula Pell}} — Jill's Anger * {{w|Elizabeth Hanna}} — Nostalgia * {{w|Pete Docter}} — Bill's Anger * [[Paula Poundstone]] — Forgetter #2 * {{w|John Ratzenberger}} — Frits * {{w|Sarayu Rao}} — Margie * [[Flea (musician)|Flea]] — Jak * {{w|Bobby Moynihan}} — Forgetter * {{w|Kendall Coyne Schofield}} — Hockey Announcer * [[w:Lori Alan|Lori Alan]] — Jill's Sadness * [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] — Bill's Fear * [[w:Josh Cooley|Josh Cooley]] — Bill's Sadness * Sherry Lynn — Jill's Disgust and Joy * Roger Craig Smith — Bill's Anxiety * Mona Marshall — Jill's Anxiety {{col-end}} ==External Links== * {{imdb title|22022452|Inside Out 2}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=inside_out_2|title=Inside Out 2}} {{wikipedia}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2024 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2024 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Animated films about families]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Animated films set in San Francisco]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Ice hockey films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Films directed by Kelsey Mann]] [[Category:Pixar]] [[Category:Films about emotions]] [[Category:Inside Out]] l5faocr6m4ve1wihkdtop1zs0m6iiwc 3944773 3944768 2026-05-24T07:54:00Z ~2026-21334-34 3308640 3944773 wikitext text/x-wiki ==Dialogue== :'''Joy''': ''[as Riley goes to the penalty box, two minutes for tripping; voice-over]'' Okay, looks like we have a couple of minutes while Riley takes a breather. Let me catch you up. Riley is still exceptional. And not just because she's the top of her class, which by the way, she is. She's also really kind, and she's nice to stray cats, I mean, come on! Oh, and she's officially a teenager now. She got very tall, very fast. :'''Anger''': ''[off-screen]'' Did we grow overnight?! :'''Sadness''': ''[off-screen]'' Oh. That was our favorite shirt. :'''Joy''': ''[voice-over]'' We even got braces with extra rubber bands! :'''Dentist''': How does it feel? :'''Riley''': Great! ''[one of the extra rubber bands snaps off from her braces and hits the dentist's face]'' Sorry. :'''Joy''': Riley's personality islands are still going strong. :'''Disgust''': Glad to see Boy Band Island finally broke up. :'''Fear''': But Goofball is still monkeying around! ''[laughs]'' :'''Sadness''': Wait, where's Family Island? :'''Joy''': It's right there. ''[gives Sadness binoculars]'' :'''Sadness''': ''[sees Family Island through the binoculars, revealing to be smaller than the other islands]'' Oh, there it is. But what's that blocking it? :'''Joy''': Oh, that's Friendship Island. Isn't it amazing? ''[voice-over]'' But we realized her islands aren't the only things made by memories. Way down, at the root level, these memories were also creating beliefs. <hr width=50%> :'''Coach Roberts''': ''[to Riley, Grace, and Bree]'' Hey, girls. Congratulations on your win! :'''Joy''': ''[gasps]'' That's the high school coach! ''[she and Disgust exclaim excitedly]'' :'''Coach Roberts''': What a game! That last play? Whoo! The three of you were impressive! :'''Riley''': Thanks, Coach Roberts. :'''Coach Roberts''': Look, its last minute, but every year, I do a three-day skills camp. I invite all the best players in the area. I love for you girls to come. :'''Fear''': Are we in a dream right now? Please, can somebody pinch me? ''[Anger punches him in the arm]'' Definitely awake. :'''Joy''': If we impress Coach, she'll put the three of us on the team next year. :'''Anger''': Ooh, the Fire Hawks. Finally, a team I can get behind! :'''Coach Roberts''': What do you say? :'''Riley''': YES! Thank you, Coach! Thank you, thank you! :'''Bree and Grace''': ''[in unison]'' YES! :'''Coach Roberts''': Great! We'll see you tomorrow. ''[Riley and her friends squeal in excitement; Later that evening, at Riley's house…]'' :'''Jill''': What a big day! :'''Bill''': Ha! You are such an all-star! Oh, you're going to knock the coach's skates off! Hockey scholarship, here we come! :'''Riley''': ''[happily]'' Dad, stop! It's just hockey camp. I mean who knows what'll happen. ''[inside her mind, the memory of her getting a two-minute penalty for tripping shows up; worried]'' My penalty almost lost us the game today. What if I get to camp and screw it up? :'''Bill''': Hey, don't talk like that. :'''Jill''': Yeah. You did great today, honey. :'''Joy''': Exactly! Mom gets it. ''[removes the memory]'' :'''Riley''': Yeah, I guess. :'''Jill''': We are so proud of you. <hr width=50%> :'''Sadness''': Joy, are you taking that where I think you're taking that? :'''Joy''': Wanna come this time? :'''Sadness''': Yes. I-I mean, no. Oh, no. I-I-I really shouldn't. :'''Joy''': You know, you’re the only one who hasn't been to the Belief System. :'''Sadness''': Yeah, it’s just that it's new, and I know how important it is, and I don't wanna mess it up, break it, burn it to the ground or anything. :'''Joy''': Sadness, you won't hurt it, I promise. Have I ever steered you wrong before? :'''Sadness''': Yeah. Many times. <hr width=50%> :'''Jill''': ''[enters Riley's room as Riley wakes up]'' Riley, you aren't packed yet? :'''Riley''': ''[as Anger presses a button on the console, making her really frustrated; groans]'' You're always on me! Can't you just lay off for like one second?! :'''Disgust''': Uh, overreact much? :'''Anger''': I barely touched it. Those morons broke the console!!! :'''Jill''': Riley, what's wrong? :'''Sadness''': Oh. Mom looks sad. ''[presses a button on the console, making Riley feel more emotional]'' :'''Riley''': ''[weeps]'' I'm the WORST! ''[cries]'' :'''Jill''': Oh, no. Honey... :'''Sadness''': I barely touched it. :'''Anger''': That's what I said. ''[Riley then sniffs her armpits]'' :'''Disgust''': Let the professional handle this. ''[cracks her knuckles and presses a button on the console, making Riley overreact]'' :'''Riley''': I'm too gross to go to camp will wake me ever AGAIN! :'''Disgust''': Oh, yeah, this is totally broken. ''[Zoom into Jill's mind and her emotions.]'' :'''Jill's Anger''': Well, we all knew this day would come. :'''Jill's Sadness''': Remember, we agreed not to make a big deal about this. :'''Jill's Disgust''': But she really does stink. :'''Jill's Anger''': Oh, it's bad. :'''Jill's Sadness''': Remain calm. Stick to the prepared script. ''[presses a button on the console, making Jill try to console Riley]'' :'''Jill''': ''[sits down on Riley's bed]'' You are not gross, honey. You're just changing. Remember that beautiful butterfly we saw in the park last week? ''[inside Riley's mind, the emotions are using an extended arm to reach the console]'' Well, that butterfly began as a caterpillar. And just like that caterpillar, you're about to get your wings. But if you have questions... :'''Joy''': Easy... ''[The hand touches a button on the console, making Riley overreact more.]'' :'''Riley''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, my gosh, Mom! Just go away! [gets up from her bed and leaves]'' UGH! :'''Jill's Anger''': Well, that's a preview of the next ten years. <hr width=50%> :'''Disgust''': ''[notices Bree with a worried smile on her face]'' Wait, what was that? :'''Joy''': What was what? :'''Disgust''': We got a look. I don't like this. :'''Joy''': What? You're paranoid. :'''Disgust''': I never miss a look. ''[brings up a panel and begins typing; a system begins examining Bree and the screen zooms in on her pushed eyebrows]'' Enhance 224, 176. Track right, zoom in, right... there! :'''Anger''': So? :'''Disgust''': She's hiding something. But what? :''[Riley is suspicious; zoom into Bree's mind and emotions.]'' :'''Bree's Sadness''': What is she doing? :'''Bree's Anger''': She's looking at our look! :'''Bree's Disgust''': No, it's much more than that. ''[brings up the same panel and types, comparing Riley's suspicious expression with the same system]'' :'''Bree's Joy''': She looks the same to me. :'''Bree's Disgust''': Overlay and compare. See? Riley then, Riley now. Riley then, Riley now. :'''Bree's Anger''': It's so obvious. :'''Bree's Sadness''': But what does it mean? :'''Bree's Disgust''': ''[realizes]'' She knows we're hiding something. :''[Zoom into Grace's mind and emotions.]'' :'''Grace's Disgust''': What is happening right now?! :'''Grace's Fear''': I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! :'''Grace's Anger''': I can't take it anymore! :''[Grace's Fear accidentally activates the console, making Grace reveal the bad news.]'' :'''Grace's Disgust''': You spilled the tea! :'''Grace''': ''[blurting out]'' Coach Roberts isn't gonna be our coach next year! ''[shockingly covers her mouth and whimpers]'' :'''Bree''': ''[nudges Grace]'' Grace! We… ''[sighs]'' We got assigned to a different high school. :'''Disgust''': Ah-ha! (What?) Oh… Oh, no. :'''Riley''': ''[hesitantly]'' Oh… Okay. Um… Yeah. No big deal. :'''Fear''': This is a HUGE deal! :'''Anger''': Our life is over! :'''Disgust''': Is she serious right now? How long have they known us? :'''Anger''': We can't go to high school without Bree and Grace? :'''Sadness''': We won't know anybody. :'''Bree''': We'll still get to hang out. :'''Grace''': And we'll have this weekend, which means we'll get one last time playing on the same team. :'''Bree''': Friends are forever, right? :'''Riley''': Yeah. Of course. <hr width=50%> :''[Just as Riley arrives at hockey camp, she comes face-to-face with Valentino Ortiz.]'' :'''Val''': You're the one Coach told us about. Riley, from... Michigan, right? :'''Anger''': It's Minnesota, sweetie! :'''Disgust''': No, no, no, no! We cannot correct Val Ortiz. ''[The console suddenly turns orange, with Riley speaking in an anxious manner.]'' :'''Riley''': Yep, that's me. Riley from good ol' Michigan. ''[chuckles nervously]'' :'''Joy''': ''[confused]'' Orange? Who made the console orange? :'''Anger''': Do I look orange? :'''Fear''': I didn't touch it. :'''Disgust''': Orange is not my color. :'''Sadness''': Not me. :''[As they back away, they see what appears to be a new orange emotion with upturn frizzy hair, and wearing a striped-orange and white sweater and brown pants.]'' :'''Anxiety''': Hello, everybody! ''[the emotions scream in surprise as Joy protects them]'' Oh, my gosh. I am just such a huge fan of yours! And now, here I am, meeting you, face to face. ''[squeals]'' Okay. How can I help? :'''Joy''': Uh... :'''Anxiety''': I can either take notes, get coffee, manage your calendar, walk your dog, carry your things, watch you sleep. :'''Joy''': Wow, you have a lot of energy. Maybe you could just stay in once place. :'''Anxiety''': Anything. Just call my name and I'm here for you. :'''Joy''': Okay, love that and what was your name again? :'''Anxiety''': Oh! I'm sorry. I got ahead of myself. Uh, I'm Anxiety. Uh, I'm one of Riley's new emotions and we are just super jazzed to be here. ''[carries three suitcases on each arm]'' Where can I put my stuff? :'''Disgust''': Ah-ah-ah. What do you mean "we"? :''[A little cyan emotion with sparkly eyes then appears as she climbs up on the console.]'' :'''Envy''': ''[sighs]'' I wish I was as tall as all of you... :'''Anger''': Who the heck are you? :'''Envy''': I'm Envy. ''[gazes at Disgust's hair]'' Oh, look at your hair. :'''Disgust''': Oh, yeah. Not happening. :'''Envy''': ''[looks at Val; gasps]'' Look at ''her'' hair! We need hair like ''that''. ''[presses a button on the console]'' :'''Riley''': Oh, my gosh. I love the red in your hair. ''[slowly reaches out her hand to touch Val's red streak]'' :'''Val''': ''[nervously]'' Oh. Uh... :'''Disgust''': ''[gasps]'' What are you doing!? ''[panicky grabs Envy and pulls her away from the console]'' :'''Riley''': Hey, maybe when I make the team, I can join Team Redhead, too! Yeah, yeah! :''[A big pink emotion, wearing a gray hoodie, presses his hand on the console, making her blush in shock as he whimpers.]'' :'''Anger''': Okay, who's this guy? :'''Sadness''': What's your name, big fella? :'''Anxiety''': That's Embarrassment. He's not really big on eye contact or like good talking, but he's a really sweet guy. :'''Joy''': Well, welcome to Headquarters, Embarrassment. Oh. We're doing a fist? No? Going high. ''[high-fives him]'' You got a real sweaty palm there, buddy. ''[Embarrassment whimpers and kneels on the floor]'' :'''Val''': Hey. You want to come with me, actually? We can meet some of the other Fire Hawks. :'''Anxiety''': Oh, this is exciting. But we can't let her know we're excited. ''[The console then turns indigo]'' :'''Riley''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yep. Sounds good. :'''Anger''': What emotion was that? :'''Anxiety''': That's Ennui. :'''Joy''': En-what? :''[Pan over to Ennui, an indigo emotion wearing a tracksuit and socks, lounging on the couch while addicting to her phone]'' :'''Ennui''': ''[groans]'' Ennui. It's what you would call "the boredom". :'''Joy''': Well, come on up here, En-wur. Am I saying it right? En-wah. No. Oh! Nicknames! I'm gonna call you Oui-Oui. :'''Ennui''': ''[uncaringly]'' Non. :'''Fear''': How are you driving? :'''Ennui''': Console app. ''[shows the app on her phone, demonstrating how it works]'' :'''Anger''': Hey! Stop it! That's enough. :'''Joy''': Now, now, I know new emotions can sometimes feel unhelpful at first, and you just want to... ''[squeezes Sadness]'' say to them, "Why are you so annoying?". But I've learned that every emotion is good for Riley. ''[tussles Sadness' hair]'' Even this turkey. :'''Anger''': ''[reluctantly]'' Okay, fine. :''[Ennui uses her console app, making Riley act wearily.]'' :'''Riley''': Cool. Lead the way. :'''Val''': All right, grab your stuff and follow me. <hr width=50%> :'''Coach Roberts''': Ladies! Settle in means settle down. I need your focus. Which means now I'm going to need your cellphones. ''All'' of them. ''[the girls all complain over this; tuts]'' You're here to work, not goof around. ''[glares sternly at Riley]'' Got that, Andersen? :''[Embarrassment presses a button on the console, making Riley blush in foolishness.]'' :'''Riley''': ''[moronically]'' Yes, Coach... :'''Coach Roberts''': Please put all your phones in the basket. You'll get them back at the end of camp. ''[walks around, holding the basket as all the girls drop their cellphones in it, and so does Riley]'' :'''Grace''': ''[whispering]'' Wow. Coach is ''so'' serious. <hr width=50%> :''[Anxiety and the other new emotions sent the original emotions to the Vault inside a jar.]'' :'''Fear''': WE ARE SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS! '''RUN!!!''' :''[The emotions (except Joy) starts losing it.]'' :'''Joy''': Stay calm! Riley's going to be fine. ''Totally'' fine. No need to run. :'''Bloofy''': Hey, there. You know what we call that? "Denial". Can you say "denial"? ''[Fear's flashlight points to a 2D preschool show character; the emotions scream]'' Hi, friends! ''[talking to "the audience"; breaking the fourth wall]'' Welcome! It's so good to have you here with us today! :'''Joy''': ''[laughs]'' It's Bloofy! :'''Disgust''': From that preschool show Riley used to like? :'''Bloofy''': That's right, and here's a little secret. ''[presses his nose against the jar, making Fear nervous]'' <small>Riley still likes the show.</small> ''[walks away from the jar and turns to the audience to sing his song with Joy dancing along in the background; singing]'' ''♪ Stomp like an elephant, scurry like a mouse, make your way down to Bloofy's House! ♪'' :'''Anger''': Please kill me... :'''Joy''': Bloofy, we're in a real pickle! Could you help us get out of here? :'''Bloofy''': ''[to the audience]'' Uh, oh! We're gonna need your help! Can you find a way out? :'''Anger''': ''[annoyed]'' WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? :'''Bloofy''': ''[to the emotions]'' My friends! ''[to his shadow and the wall, where the audience would be]'' Do you see a key? ''[silence]'' Hmmm... I don't either. :'''Fear''': Okay, we're doomed. :'''Lance Slashblade''': Indeed. Welcome to your eternal fate. :'''Disgust''': ''[gasps]'' Lance Slashblade? :'''Sadness''': But he's a video game character. Why is he here? :'''Disgust''': Yeah, I always thought Riley had a secret crush on him. :'''Joy''': ''[uninterestedly]'' I never saw the appeal. :'''Lance Slashblade''': I long to be a hero, but darkness haunts my past. <hr width=50%> :'''Disgust''': You listen to me, Lance Slashblade. No one is totally worthless. :'''Lance Slashblade''': But I am a warrior cursed with a feeble attack. :'''Disgust''': Then you must make your curse your gift! <hr width=50%> :'''Ennui''': ''[exhausted]'' Why are we up so early? :'''Anxiety''': Because ''mon-ami'', we need to speed things up. And that means we hit the ice early and practice like we've never practiced before. :'''Ennui''': Aren't we already good at hockey? :'''Envy''': We're ''good'', but the Fire Hawks are great. :'''Anxiety''': That's right. ''[Riley misses a puck, making her skate around the rink]'' Every time we miss, we skate a lap around the rink. Hockey is not a game; it is a sport. :'''Envy''': That was amazing. :'''Anxiety''': We need to be that good every time. Let's run it again. :'''Val''': Hey, I see I'm not the only one who likes to start early. :'''Anxiety''': You guys, it's Val! We had the same idea! :'''Envy''': We're basically the same person. We're gonna be best friends! :'''Val''': How long have you been here? :'''Riley''': I-I don't know. Maybe an hour? I just wanted to get in some extra ice time. :'''Val''': I'm the same way. :'''Anxiety''': Oh, my gosh. She gets us. :'''Val''': See? I told the other girls you'd figure it out. You get what it takes to be the best. :'''Envy''': Look at us. This is going great. :'''Anxiety''': Yeah, but we need Val to really like us. :'''Envy''': Oh! We should ask Val lots of questions. People love talking about themselves. :'''Riley''': So, what was your freshman year on the Fire Hawks like? :'''Val''': I mean… It was a lot of work. Like a lot. But it's also how I met my best friends. :'''Anxiety''': Val is sharing things with ''[squeals]'' US! :'''Val''': Hey, a few of us are just gonna hang out tonight, order some food. You should come! :'''Envy''': An exclusive invitation. Mwah-ha-ha! We're going! :'''Riley''': Really? :'''Val''': Definitely! It'll be fun. :'''Coach Roberts''': Alright, ladies, let's warm up. :'''Grace''': Hey, Riley. :'''Riley''': Hi. :'''Envy''': Huh! We are not sharing Val with them. :'''Val''': Early mornings make me so hungry. :'''Riley''': I know, right? I'd give anything for a piece of pizza right now. <hr width=50%> :'''Riley''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, yeah. Get Up and Glow is so awesome. :'''Bree''': Riley, what are you talking about? You ''love'' Get Up and Glow. :'''Riley''': Oh! Uh... Hey, guys. :'''Envy''': ''[growls frustratedly]'' Oh, why are our best friends always trying to hang out with us!? :'''Grace''': Come on, Riley, we just went to their concert. :'''Riley''': Well, yeah. I mean, sure. But like… :'''Bree''': But what? :'''Grace''': We had a great time! :'''Anxiety''': Grace, you are not helping. :''[Ennui presses the console again.]'' :'''Riley''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, yeah. We had a great time. :''[The Sar-Chasm keeps growing.]'' :'''Joy''': Why can't they just leave her alone? :'''Anger''': What are we gonna do now, Joy?! :'''Joy''': We're going to take the long way, which is the best way. Stretch those hammies, Anger! Let's go! <hr width=50%> :''[Joy is trying to get a vehicle to work, whilst Fear, Anger, and Disgust talk amongst themselves about Riley's current state and Joy's plan.]'' :'''Joy''': Okay, well, this isn’t working. But it's fine. Everything’s fine. :'''Disgust''': This is hopeless. I say we cut our losses and walk back. :'''Fear''': This whole trip is just a series of deader and ''deader'' ends! :'''Anger''': Ever since that puberty alarm went off, nothing around here works the way it's supposed to! :'''Disgust''': I don't even recognize this place anymore. It's light out at 1:00 in the morning! :'''Fear''': I have never been inside so many jars in my life. :'''Disgust''': And the Riley we knew is '''gone!''' :'''Anger''': And if Joy can't see that, well, then she's ''delusional!'' :'''Joy''': ''[turns around and stares at them]'' Delusional? ''[snaps]'' ''OF COURSE'' I'M DELUSIONAL! Do you know how ''hard'' it is to stay positive all the time? When all you folks do is ''complain, complain, complain!'' Jiminy mother-loving toaster strudel! ''[smacks the controls of the vehicle, whilst Fear cowers and Anger smiles]'' Do you think I have all the answers? Of ''course'' I don't! ''[sighs heavily]'' We can't even find the back of her own mind. ''[cowers in front of the control panel]'' Anxiety is right! Riley doesn't need us as much as she needs them. ''[starting to break down into tears]'' And that hurts... it really hurts. :''[The other emotions look at each other in guilt, and Anger walks up to Joy]'' :'''Anger''': Joy, you've made a lot of mistakes. A-A lot. And you'll make a whole lot more in the future. But if you let that stop you, we might as well lie down and give up now. :'''Fear''': Well, actually, that does sound kind of nice. ''[Disgust slaps him]'' Ow! :'''Anger''': ''[offers Joy his hand]'' Come on. :''[Joy is helped up to her feet by Anger, and the emotions continue their journey.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Joy''': Come on, we just need to cut through… ''[gasps]'' Imagination Land! Oh, you guys are going to love it! There's French Fry Forest, Cloud Town and… ''[notices some changes around]'' Whoa. This place has changed. Mount Crushmore? :'''Fear''': Those are her top four? :'''Disgust''': ''[sighs dreamily]'' The only one that matters is Lance. :'''Joy''': Well, at least they got his good side. :'''Disgust''': Every side is his good side. <hr width=50%> :'''Anxiety''': All we got to do is to sneak into her office and read it. Come on, Riley, move those feet. :'''Envy''': She doesn't want to...? :'''Anxiety''': Are we pushing her too hard? :'''Envy''': We have got to see what's in the notebook. It's the only way for us to know how we can do better. ''[touches the console]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Sadness uses Ennui's phone to stop Riley from looking through Coach Roberts' notebook.]'' :'''Anxiety''': Wait, why'd she stop? ''[gasps, seeing the console turning blue]'' Sadness? Ennui! Where's your phone? :'''Ennui''': ''[starts panicking]'' Ooh-la-la... My phone! Where is my phone? Seriously?! ''[looks under the couch]'' This is not happening! No, no, no, no, NO! :'''Anxiety''': Okay, she's gotta be here somewhere. Find her. :'''Envy''': GOTCHA! :''[Envy and Ennui shove the binders to catch Sadness, but she's not there; Embarrassment sighs in relief.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The emotions make it to the back of the mind and see a huge mountain of bad memories.]'' :'''Fear''': That is a lot. :'''Joy''': This is more than I remember sending back here. :'''Disgust''': ''[picks up a memory of Riley bumping her head into a glass door]'' Oh, when she walked into that glass door at that party. Oof! :'''Joy''': Yeah, and breaking Grandma's favorite plate. Thank goodness these aren't part of her. <hr width=50%> :'''Disgust''': Okay, so how do we get her Sense of Self from here to ''there?'' :'''Anger''': ''[sighs]'' I have an idea, but I really don't like it. :'''Joy''': Anger, Riley needs us. :'''Anger''': ''[reluctantly]'' OH, POUCHY! ''[echoes; no response]'' Well, what are you waiting for? Say the words. :'''Emotions''': OH, POUCHY! ''[echoes]'' :'''Pouchy''': ''[suddenly appearing in front of them]'' Hi, everybody! I'm Pouchy! :'''Anger''': We know! :'''Joy''': Pouchy, we need to get back to Headquarters. Do you have ''anything'' that can help us? :'''Pouchy''': I have lots of items. Which one do you think will work the best? A roll of tape, a rubber ducky, or-- :'''Anger''': No time! ''[pulls him down and takes out three sticks of dynamite from his mouth] :'''Disgust''': Seriously, Pouchy? Dynamite? Don't you have, like, a-a jetpack, a plane or something that's gonna help us?! :'''Pouchy''': ''[miffed]'' What do you think I have, everything in here?! I offered you the rubber ducky. I offered you the tape. :'''Joy''': ''[gets an idea]'' I know what to do. But we're gonna need a lot more dynamite. :'''Pouchy''': You know what? Good luck-- ''[Anger puts his hand back in Pouchy's mouth so he could pull out more dynamite]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Coach Roberts''': ''[blowing her whistle after Riley aggressively accidentally crashes into Grace; sharply]'' Andersen! Penalty box, two minutes. :'''Anxiety''': ''[horrified]'' NO! :'''Bree''': Grace, are you okay? :''[Riley watches Bree and Coach Roberts checking on Grace to see if she's alright.]'' :'''Envy''': We hurt Grace! :'''Anxiety''': It all happened so fast. I didn't even see her! <hr width=50%> :''[Bree and Grace check on Riley in the penalty box after she calms herself down from her panic attack]'' :'''Grace''': Riley, you okay? :''[The other emotions step forward while Joy remains by the new Sense of Self.]'' :'''Riley''': ''[gets up]'' Yeah. I mean… no. ''[starts breaking down]'' I was such a jerk to you, guys. When you guys told me you were going to a different school, I freaked out. And... ''[sighs]'' I'm so sorry. If you don't want to be friends anymore, I get it. But… I really hope that you can forgive me… someday. <hr width=50%> :'''Anxiety''': I love our girl. :'''Joy''': How could you not? She's super smart. :'''Sadness''': And great at hockey. :'''Disgust''': She's really creative. :'''Ennui''': She can be bored, but never boring. :'''Joy''': But she can be a little sarcastic from time to time. :'''Fear''': She can have really bad ideas. :'''Anger''': Occasionally, she can do the wrong things. :'''Joy''': Sometimes, she can be too hard on herself, but every bit of Riley makes her who she is. And we love all of our girl. Every messy, beautiful piece of her. <hr width=50%> :''[During the end credits at the Andersen house; the Andersens are eating dinner at the table]'' :'''Jill''': So, Riley, how was camp? :''[Zoom into Riley's mind]'' :'''Joy''': Okay, we talked about this. We tell them everything. :'''Riley''': Uh… :'''Anxiety''': But what about sneaking into Coach's office? :'''Anger''': What about hitting Grace? :'''Envy''': Remember the lying? :'''Disgust''': Are we gonna tell her about the Fire Hawks? :'''Anger''': She doesn't need to know. :'''Fear''': Objection! :'''Ennui''': Pardon. ''Excusez moi''. ''[presses a button on the console app on her phone]'' :'''Riley''': ''[nonchalantly]'' It was good. ''[eats her food]'' :''[Jill makes a "Please tell me you're joking" look before zooming into her mind and her emotions.]'' :'''Jill's Anger''': She goes away for three days and all we get is, "good"? :'''Jill's Anxiety''': ''[appears from the curtains]'' And what about the red in her hair?! Did she join a gang? :'''Jill's Sadness''': ''[gives her tea to chill]'' Welcome back, Anxiety. :''[Zoom into Bill's mind and his emotions.]'' :'''Bill's Anxiety''': ''[pops up]'' She goes away for three days and all we get is, "good"?! :'''Bill's Anger''': Yeah. Sounds right. Back to the game. ==Taglines== * Big changes. New emotions. * Make room for new emotions. * Contain your emotions. ==Cast== {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} * [[Amy Poehler]] — Joy * {{w|Phyllis Smith}} — Sadness * [[Lewis Black]] — Anger * {{w|Tony Hale}} — Fear * {{w|Liza Lapira}} — Disgust * [[Maya Hawke]] — Anxiety * {{w|Ayo Edebiri}} — Envy * {{w|Adèle Exarchopoulos}} — Ennui * {{w|Paul Walter Hauser}} — Embarrassment * Kensington Tallman — Riley Andersen * {{w|Diane Lane}} — Jill Andersen * {{w|Kyle MacLachlan}} — Bill Andersen * [[w:Lilimar Hernandez|Lilimar]] — Valerie "Val" Ortiz * Sumayyah Nuriddin-Green — Bree * Grace Lu — Grace * Yong Yea — Lance Slashblade * {{w|Ron Funches}} — Bloofy {{col-2}} * {{w|Yvette Nicole Brown}} — Coach Roberts * Hadlee Gannaway — Pouchy * [[Steve Purcell]] — Deep Dark Secret * {{w|Dave Goelz}} — Mind Cop * {{w|Kirk Thatcher}} — Foreman * [[Frank Oz]] — Mind Cop #2 * {{w|Paula Pell}} — Jill's Anger * {{w|Elizabeth Hanna}} — Nostalgia * {{w|Pete Docter}} — Bill's Anger * [[Paula Poundstone]] — Forgetter #2 * {{w|John Ratzenberger}} — Frits * {{w|Sarayu Rao}} — Margie * [[Flea (musician)|Flea]] — Jak * {{w|Bobby Moynihan}} — Forgetter * {{w|Kendall Coyne Schofield}} — Hockey Announcer * [[w:Lori Alan|Lori Alan]] — Jill's Sadness * [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|Carlos Alazraqui]] — Bill's Fear * [[w:Josh Cooley|Josh Cooley]] — Bill's Sadness * Sherry Lynn — Jill's Disgust and Joy * Roger Craig Smith — Bill's Anxiety * Mona Marshall — Jill's Anxiety {{col-end}} ==External Links== * {{imdb title|22022452|Inside Out 2}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=inside_out_2|title=Inside Out 2}} {{wikipedia}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2024 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2024 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated drama films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Comedy-drama films]] [[Category:Animated films about families]] [[Category:Animated films about friendship]] [[Category:Animated films set in San Francisco]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated films]] [[Category:Ice hockey films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Films directed by Kelsey Mann]] [[Category:Pixar]] [[Category:Films about emotions]] [[Category:Inside Out]] 0swwgmq1prlju85yyeskuc5d6dor3g9 0 279057 3944605 3912246 2026-05-23T21:49:51Z ~2026-30756-00 3328396 /* The Santa Experience [2.14] */ 3944605 wikitext text/x-wiki ===''Toy Palace/Sand Ho!'' [2.1]=== ===''Chuckie vs. the Potty/Together at Last'' [2.2]=== :''[The episode begins in the Pickles' bathroom, with a close-up of a roll of toilet paper. Tommy pulls the roll down with his hand and giggles. He then pulls it again, and lots toilet paper fills up the screen as he continues giggling. The screen fades to black, then in the next scene, it is revealed that the entire bathroom floor is covered in a lot of toilet paper. Tommy, who is now also covered in toilet paper, jumps and continues giggling until Didi runs in]'' :'''Didi''': Tommy!! Oh no, Snookums! That's for cleaning up messes, not making them." ''[Didi is now holding Tommy in her arm as she tosses the toilet paper in her hand onto the floor. She walks out of the bathroom, carrying Tommy. The camera zooms out, revealing the entire bathroom floor to be covered in lots and lots of toilet paper. In the living room, Phil and Lil are fighting over a toy robot as Didi carries Tommy by his armpits with both hands.]'' Now, you play out here with Phil and Lil, and before you know it, it'll be time for a nice nap. ''[Didi sets Tommy down in the playpen while Phil and Lil are still fighting over the toy robot.]'' Now share, you two! ''[The doorbell then rings.]'' That must be Charles Sr. and Chuckie. :''[Didi walks towards the front door. Tommy pulls on the toy robot's head. Which opens the robot up, making him, Phil, and Lil all fall over as the toy robot rolls away and Phil turns his head to watch it, Lil does the same as well, while Tommy leans up to watch it. Didi, who is now at the front door, opens it. On the other side of the door, Chas is carrying Chuckie in his right hand and a clown potty chair in his left arm. He walks inside.]'' :'''Chaz''': It can't be done, Didi, it just can't be done!! :''[Didi pushes the door closed.]'' :'''Didi''': Oh now, Charles, don't get discouraged. Everybody gets potty trained sooner or later. :''[Chaz walks towards the playpen and sets Chuckie and the potty chair down in it.]'' :'''Chaz''': Not Chuckie, not my son! He's gonna be taking diapers to work with him in his briefcase. :'''Didi''': Now, listen, Charles, I've been reading all about potty-training in Lipschitz, and it's really quite simple! ''[As Didi continues talking to Chaz, Chuckie walks sadly past Tommy, Phil, and Lil.]'' So, you just go off and have a good weekend. We'll take care of Chuckie, and we'll make sure he uses his '''P-O-T-T-Y.''' :'''Chaz''': His what? Oh. Oh, yeah. Well. Okay. But if there's any trouble, call the hotel. :'''Didi''': We're not gonna have any trouble, we'll be fine. :'''Chaz''': All right. Bye-bye, Chuckie. Be a good boy for Didi and Stu, okay? Use your potty, and don't eat any earthworms. :'''Didi''': Bye, Charles. :''[Didi pushes Chas towards the front door.]'' :'''Chaz''': Or breathe any noxious fumes! :''[Didi opens the front door.]'' :'''Didi''': Bye, Charles! :'''Chaz''': Or drink any radioactive waste!! :'''Didi''': Bye, Charles!! :''[Didi pushes Chaz out the front door.]'' :'''Chaz''': Or--! :''[Didi slams the door in Chas' face before he can finish what he's saying.]'' :'''Didi''': My goodness, what a worrywart! :''[Back at the playpen, Tommy, Phil, and Lil look down surprised at Chuckie's potty chair. Tommy crawls towards it, and they all look inside.]'' :'''Phil''': What is it?! :'''Lil''': I don't know. :''[Tommy grabs the handles of the lid with and pulls the lid off. He then puts the lid on his head.]'' :'''Tommy''': Maybe it's a hat. :'''Phil''': Nah, then what's the rest for?! :'''Tommy''': Maybe it's a big mush bowl. :''[Tommy climbs into Chuckie's potty chair and ducks. He pokes his head out when he hears Chuckie saying what it really is.]'' :'''Chuckie''': It's a potty!! You guys won't believe what they're trying to make me do!! :''[Tommy is now out of Chuckie's potty chair as he, Phil, and Lil look nervously at Chuckie.]'' :'''Tommy''': What, Chuckie? :'''Phil and Lil''': Yeah, what? :''[As Chuckie talks, Tommy walks towards him and Phil and Lil crawl towards him.]'' :'''Chuckie''': They're trying to make me... uh... they're trying to make me... Oh, I can't say it. :'''Tommy''': Tell us, Chuckie. :'''Chuckie''': Uh, they're trying to make me use that! ''[Chuckie points to his potty chair.]'' Instead of my diaper!! :'''Phil''': Nah, that can't happen! :'''Lil''': Yeah, how's it going to fit in your pants? :'''Chuckie''': Oh! :''[Tommy crawls up to Chuckie.]'' :'''Tommy''': But Chuckie, they can't do that to you! :'''Chuckie''': Well, they're doing it!! They call it getting potty-trained!! It's the worstest thing that's happened to me since my mom put me on the bottle!! :'''Lil''': What are you going to do? :'''Chuckie''': I don't know. I've tried everything! :'''Lil''': Maybe you could put a lot of napkins in your pants and use 'em like a diaper. :''[Lil pulls up her skirt, exposing her diaper.]'' :'''Chuckie''': I tried it. :'''Phil''': Maybe you could poop in your room and hide it in your toy box. :'''Chuckie''': Tried it. :'''Tommy''': Maybe you could just stop pooping altogether. :'''Chuckie''': Tried it. It's no use! No matter what I do, it looks like I'm going to have to be... potty-trained. :'''Angelica''': Ha!! You little babies really make me laugh!! First you cry for your mommies every time you get a little wet! ''[Angelica walks up to the playpen with an evil smile and unlatches the hook. She opens the playpen.]'' And now, finally, you get to go without 'em forever, and what do you do?! Chicken out!!! What's the matter? Little baby scared to be without his diapers?! :'''Chuckie''': No, that's not it! I'm not scared! I, I just don't want to be potty-trained, that's all. It's just not right!! :'''Angelica''': Not right?! Ha!!! That's a good one!! Don't you dummies know anything?! Everybody who's anybody is potty-trained!! :''[Angelica slaps her head.]'' :'''Chuckie''': Well, not me! I'm never going to do it!! They can't make me!! I'm going to wear my diapers forever, and no one is going to stop me. Not my mom, not my dad! Not the present of the Benited Steaks! (Instead of United States) ''[Chuckie stands up and puts his right hand over his heart as the American Flag appears behind him. Fireworks even go off in the background.]'' Because I... :'''Tommy''': Chuckie? :''[Chuckie puts both his hands over the front of his pants.]'' :'''Chuckie''': I... :'''Phil''': What's the matter, Chuckie? :'''Lil''': What's wrong? :''[Chuckie now has his hands pressed against the front of his pants and his legs crossed.]'' :'''Chuckie''': '''I... I... I GOTTA GO!!!''' :''[Chuckie starts crying with anguish. This gets Didi's attention, as she runs into the playpen and picks Chuckie up.]'' :'''Didi''': Oh, dear!! This is it! Stu, hurry!!! :''[Stu runs in, and Didi runs past him.]'' :'''Stu''': What, Deed?! :'''Didi''': Get the potty, get the potty!!! :'''Stu''': Where?! :''[Didi is now holding Chuckie in her right arm as she points towards Chuckie's potty chair.]'' :'''Didi''': There!!! :''[Didi runs desperately into the bathroom, carrying Chuckie. She sets Chuckie down, then pulls down his pants. Stu, who is carrying Chuckie's potty chair, is outside the bathroom door.]'' ===''The Big House/The Shot'' [2.3]=== :''[Tommy dribbles the ball. A strange baby is playing with a school bus and sees Tommy]'' :'''Wiseguy''': Psst! ''[Tommy hears him and looks around]'' Over here. :'''Tommy''': You talking to me? :'''Wiseguy''': (shushes) You don't want them screws to hear, do ya? :'''Tommy''': Screws? :'''Wiseguy''': You know, grownups. :'''Tommy''': Oh. :'''Wiseguy''': You new around here, ain't ya? Everybody around here calls me Wiseguy on account of I know everything what's going on. :'''Tommy''': Hi, Wiseguy, my name's Tommy Pickles. :'''Wiseguy''': Sure, sure. Listen, if you're gonna make it in this place, you gotta know what's what. :'''Tommy''': What? :'''Wiseguy''': Right, You see that kid over there? ''[A big chubby baby walks over to another baby in blue pajamas suckling on a bottle]'' That's Big Justin. He's kinda the boss around here on account of he's the biggest. ''[Big Justin takes the bottle apart from the other baby and suckles on it]'' You see that girl over there? ''[points at a girl building wooden blocks]'' They call her the Builder on account of she's always playing with blocks. And look over there. ''[The screen pans to a baby playing with red Play-Doh and yellow bits of clay all over him. He sculpts the Play-Doh into a pit bull]'' They call him Doughboy. He can make anything out of Play-Doh. :''[Doughboy sculpts the Play-Doh into a cat. Suddenly, Tommy and Wiseguy hear a baby crying very loud. A shot of inside his mouth is shown as Sandra and Jonathan arrive]'' :'''Tommy''': What's wrong with that kid? :'''Wiseguy''': Oh, don't worry about him; he's faking it. :'''Tommy''': Faking it? :'''Wiseguy''': Yep, that's Crybaby. ''[Sandra and Jonathan try to calm Crybaby down]'' He can make himself cry even when nothing's bothering him. :''[As Sandra and Jonathan turn away, Crybaby stops crying and grins for a moment, but resumes back to crying as Sandra and Jonathan take out a rattle and stuffed teddy bear]'' :'''Big Justin''': Hey. ''[Tommy and Wiseguy turn to Justin]'' Who's the new kid? :'''Wiseguy''': ''[stammers nervously]'' Oh, hi, Justin. This here is Tommy Pickles. :''[Tommy grins at Justin]'' :'''Big Justin''': Nice ball, kid. Give it to me. :'''Tommy''': ''[pulls it away]'' No! :''[All the babies stop playing and turn seeing this]'' :'''Big Justin''': What'd you say, kid? :'''Tommy''': It's my ball, you can't have it! :'''Big Justin''': Look, you're new around here, and maybe nobody warned ya, I'm Big Justin and I run this place. ''[pulls his suspenders in a snap]'' Now, '''''GIVE ME THE BALL!''''' ''[grabs the ball]'' :'''Tommy''': ''[pulls it back]'' '''''NO!!''''' :'''Big Justin''': I said '''''GIVE IT TO ME!!!''''' :''[Big Justin and Tommy get caught in a tug-o-war with the ball. Wiseguy and Crybaby watch this in shock]'' :'''Crybaby''': ''[holds a cookie]'' Betcha a cookie Justin gets the ball. :'''Wiseguy''': ''[gives Crybaby another]'' You're on. :''[Big Justin and Tommy continue fighting over the ball until Tommy lets the ball slip out of his fingers and ends up falling into a wagon, which rolls across the room, knocks over Builder's block structure, crushes Doughboy's clay cat sculpture and rams into a wall. Tommy sees Doughboy stare at what just happened]'' :'''Tommy''': ''[gasps]'' I'm sorry. :'''Doughboy''': ''[tears well up and bawls]'' '''''AAUUGGHH!!''''' :''[Sandra comes in and sees what just happened. She is accompanied by Jonathan and Bob]'' :'''Jonathan''': Diagnosis? :'''Sandra''': Destructive overreaction syndrome. Procedure? :'''Jonathan''': Positive reinforcement denial? :'''Sandra''': ''[shakes her head]'' Uh-uh. :'''Jonathan''': Withdrawal of snack gratification? :'''Sandra''': Uh-uh. :'''Bob''': ''[takes out a fresh diaper]'' Fresh change of diapers? :'''Sandra''': No. ''[points at Tommy, echoes''] Time out. :''[The babies gasp in shock one by one]'' :'''Wiseguy''': They're gonna give him the pen! :''[A single pen is shown by the corner of the room. Sandra rushes Tommy to the pen with Jonathan and Bob following]'' :'''Bob''': I yet say a nice change of diapers might cheer the little fella up! :'''Jonathan''': How long? :'''Sandra''': ''[holds five fingers]'' Five minutes. :'''Jonathan''': Five minutes?! Don't you think that's a bit...harsh? :'''Sandra''': ''[sternly]'' Do it. :''[Jonathan does so. The timer is heard ticking as Tommy goes hesitantly silent]'' :'''Builder''': Woah, five minutes! :'''Doughboy''': These screws just keep getting meaner and meaner. :''[Tommy lowly lays silent in the pen as he watches the cat clock on the wall. Tommy sees a toy jug and strides it along the wooden bars of the pen]'' :'''Sandra''': ''[confiscates the jug]'' No, no, Tommy. ''[grins]'' Noise-making is not part of... ''[echoes]'' ...time out. ===''Showdown at Teeter-Totter Gulch/Mirrorland'' [2.4a]=== :'''Mother''': ''[a la Demi Moore]'' Oh, look at you! Oh, I could kick myself for letting you having that gum, Prudence! ===''Angelica's in Love/Ice Cream Mountain'' [2.5]=== :'''Drew''': Mmm, what do you say to a little bet? Make things more interesting. Say, five bucks a hole? :'''Stu''': ''[loudly]'' Shame on you, Drew! Betting is a bad, bad thing! ''[quietly]'' Make it ten! ---- :'''Angelica''': ''[crying]'' I want my ice cream! :'''Stu''': We didn't really pay enough attention to the kids today. :'''Drew''': You're right, Stu. We got a couple of free games. Maybe we could let the kids play. It won't take long. :'''Earl''': ''[sobbing and groveling]'' Oh, please, no! Anything but that! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! :'''Stu''': Could we find something the kids will like? ===''Regarding Stuie/Garage Sale'' [2.6]=== :'''Lil''': Wanna play in my doll, Stuie. ''[He brings his doll and broke. Lil start public crying and then Stu]'' :''[Stu crying]'' :'''Chuckie''': Looks like trouble. :''[Stu crying continues]'' :'''Chuckie''': What's wrong, Stuie? :'''Stu''': Toy broke. :'''Tommy''': I miss my daddy! :''[Tommy starts rubbish crying]'' ===''Let There Be Light/The Bank Trick'' [2.7]=== ===''Family Reunion/Grandpa's Date'' [2.8]=== ===''No Bones About It/Beach Blanket Babies'' [2.9]=== ===''Reptar on Ice/Family Feud'' [2.10]=== :'''Chaz''': (Mighty Roaring) LOOK AT YOU! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! While you were insulting each other and bringing up every petty difference from your past, you've forgotten about your children, the most important thing in your insignificant lives! ''(Roaring)'' YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED! :'''Howard''': Charles is right. Our behavior's been absolutely disgusting. I'm a failure and I've let everybody down while I should be— :'''Betty''': ''(panic)'' Yeah, yeah. Whine later, ya' little man. We gotta find the kids! ===''Superhero Chuckie/The Dog Broomer'' [2.11]=== ===''Aunt Miriam/The Inside Story'' [2.12]=== ===''A Visit from Lipschitz/What the Big People Do'' [2.13]=== ===''The Santa Experience'' [2.14]=== :'''Chuckie''': ''[voice only]'' First, it gets really, really cold. ''[A "snowball" passes by, revealing a man throwing artificial snow through a wreath-adorned hole on a wall, powered by a fan, voice only]'' Then, the grown-ups start acting really nice...''[Camera pans down to a line of people, waiting to see Santa. Chuckie is talking to Tommy]''...and smiling all the time. And that's not the worse part! One night... he comes! :'''Tommy''': Who comes? :'''Chuckie''': The scariest guy in the world! (show close-up of Chuckie's face) Santa Claus! :'''Tommy''': Chuckie! You can't be scared of Santa! He's big and fat and jolly and gives you presents! :'''Chuckie''': That's not what I heard! :''[Pan across to Santa's house]'' :'''Elf''': Okay, who's next to see Santa? :''[Cut to an excited Angelica]'' :'''Angelica''': Me, me, me! ''[She rushes towards Santa, pushing a kid out of her way and plopping right into Santa's lap]'' :'''Mall Santa''': Oh, uh... Ho ho ho! And how are you today, little, um... :'''Angelica''': Angelica. :'''Mall Santa''': Angelica! And why don't you tell Santa what you want for Christmas. :''[A photographer takes a picture of Santa and Angelica, who grins widely]'' :'''Angelica''': I want a Luxurious Hair Cynthia Doll. :'''Mall Santa''': Of course you do. And if you're a good little girl... :'''Angelica''': ''[She interrupts Santa to continue her list]'' A "Teenage Nuclear Fusion Squad" Video Game... :'''Mall Santa''': Well... :'''Angelica''': A Rocco Mr. X Exploding Smash-Up Doll, a "Beverly Hills Cynthia" Lunch Box, a pony, and a 9-11 Surgical Kit With Working Stethoscope. :'''Mall Santa''': Yes, that's an awful lot of presents... :'''Angelica''': ''[shouting in Santa's face]'' I'm not finished yet! <hr width=50%> :'''Angelica''': It all started when the first present was given by the Pilgrims a long, long time ago. After that, everybody started giving presents...even the Easter Bunny started giving them 'til Santa slapped him with a lawsuit. <hr width=50%> :''[Fade to a wide shot of the cabin outside. Santa and eight reindeer fly over head. Sparkles fly out of the rear to form the words "Merry Christmas"]'' :'''Real Santa''': Ho, ho, ho! Merry [[Christmas]]! ===''Visitors from Outer Space/The Case of the Missing Rugrat'' [2.15]=== :'''Robot''': My batteries don't need no doggone recharge, for your information. ===''Chuckie Loses His Glasses/Chuckie Gets Skunked'' [2.16]=== :'''Phil''': Does that mean we're never gonna see Chuckie again? :'''Lil''': Oh noooo! :'''Phil''': Who's gonna have all his toys? :'''Lil''': I wonder if I could have them! :'''Phil''': I thought of it first! :'''Lil''': Did not! :'''Phil''': Did too! :'''Lil''': Did not! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chuckie''': Aaah! Somebody help me! I can't see! Well, I can see a little. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chuckie''': Maybe we should find a nice game to play inside. :'''Angelica''': Like what? You wanna eat the rest of my crayons!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drew''': Oh, no! All over my new sweater! ===''Rebel Without a Teddy Bear/Angelica the Magnificent'' [2.17]=== ===''Meet the Carmichaels/The Box'' [2.18]=== ===''Down the Drain/Let Them Eat Cake'' [2.19]=== ===''The Seven Voyages of Cynthia/My Friend Barney'' [2.20]=== ===''Feeding Hubert/Spike the Wonder Dog'' [2.21]=== ===''The Slide/The Big Flush'' [2.22]=== :'''Tommy''': But, Chuckie, that wasn't your slide. That was a big kids' slide. There's no reason you can't go down your slide. :'''Chuckie''': I tried, Tommy. I really tried, but it's no use. Now I am a-scared of every slide in the world. ===''King Ten Pin/Runaway Angelica'' [2.23]=== :'''Angelica''': ''[crying]'' Daddy! Daddy! :'''Drew''': Angelica?! What are you doing here? :'''Angelica''': ''[crying]'' Daddy, I heard you! I heard it all! I'm sorry I was bad and runned away from home! I'm sorry I cut up your papers and broke your fax machine! I'm sorry and I promise I'll never be bad again! Only please, take me back! :'''Drew''': Take you back? Honey, I didn't even know you were gone! :'''Angelica''': You didn't? :'''Drew''': No! I thought you were still in your room, safe and sound. :'''Angelica''': You mean you didn't even know I runned away? :'''Drew''': I had no idea! Oh, but sweetheart, you know you'll always be my princess, no matter what you do. You're my baby and I love you. ''[Angelica hugs him]'' ===''Game Show Didi/Toys in the Attic'' [2.24]=== :''[The episode credits play over a pattern of red, green, and blue dots that move around]'' :'''Man's voice''': :''[The dots zoom out, revealing that they make up the display on the Pickles' TV set; Tommy is standing very close to the screen, watching the man talk]'' :'''Man on TV''': I knew right then I had snagged me a walla pike. :''[the camera pans over to Grandpa, who has fallen asleep in his chair and is still holding the remote]'' :'''Didi''': ''[walks into the living room, gasps loudly when she sees Tommy standing so close to the set, and walks over to him]'' No, no, no, honey! ''[lifts up Tommy and looks at him]'' Don't you know that focusing so closely on images can permanently damage your vision? :''[As she talks, she looks closer into Tommy's eyes, which go cross-eyed, causing Tommy to see multiple copies of Didi's face. He quickly uncrosses his eyes, making his vision go back to normal. Didi sets Tommy down on the floor so he can crawl around, then approaches Grandpa, takes the remote from him without waking him up, sits down on the couch, and changes the channel from the fishing show to what looks like a talk show, but with a donkey as the host]'' ===''Driving Miss Angelica/Susie vs. Angelica'' [2.25]=== ===''Tooth or Dare/Party Animals'' [2.26a]=== :'''Angelica''': NO! I'm gonna wish for something real good! :'''Tommy''': Be careful what you wish for, Angelica! You just might get it! :'''Chuckie''': What are we gonna do, Tommy?! What are we gonna do?! :'''Tommy''': There's only one thing we can do. We're gonna find Angelica's magic lamp, and we got to wish for everything to be right-right again. [[Category:Television show seasons]] 6cwzp2p5qpum69jo2sq06pzq78den7w 3944606 3944605 2026-05-23T21:50:27Z ~2026-30756-00 3328396 /* The Santa Experience [2.14] */ 3944606 wikitext text/x-wiki ===''Toy Palace/Sand Ho!'' [2.1]=== ===''Chuckie vs. the Potty/Together at Last'' [2.2]=== :''[The episode begins in the Pickles' bathroom, with a close-up of a roll of toilet paper. Tommy pulls the roll down with his hand and giggles. He then pulls it again, and lots toilet paper fills up the screen as he continues giggling. The screen fades to black, then in the next scene, it is revealed that the entire bathroom floor is covered in a lot of toilet paper. Tommy, who is now also covered in toilet paper, jumps and continues giggling until Didi runs in]'' :'''Didi''': Tommy!! Oh no, Snookums! That's for cleaning up messes, not making them." ''[Didi is now holding Tommy in her arm as she tosses the toilet paper in her hand onto the floor. She walks out of the bathroom, carrying Tommy. The camera zooms out, revealing the entire bathroom floor to be covered in lots and lots of toilet paper. In the living room, Phil and Lil are fighting over a toy robot as Didi carries Tommy by his armpits with both hands.]'' Now, you play out here with Phil and Lil, and before you know it, it'll be time for a nice nap. ''[Didi sets Tommy down in the playpen while Phil and Lil are still fighting over the toy robot.]'' Now share, you two! ''[The doorbell then rings.]'' That must be Charles Sr. and Chuckie. :''[Didi walks towards the front door. Tommy pulls on the toy robot's head. Which opens the robot up, making him, Phil, and Lil all fall over as the toy robot rolls away and Phil turns his head to watch it, Lil does the same as well, while Tommy leans up to watch it. Didi, who is now at the front door, opens it. On the other side of the door, Chas is carrying Chuckie in his right hand and a clown potty chair in his left arm. He walks inside.]'' :'''Chaz''': It can't be done, Didi, it just can't be done!! :''[Didi pushes the door closed.]'' :'''Didi''': Oh now, Charles, don't get discouraged. Everybody gets potty trained sooner or later. :''[Chaz walks towards the playpen and sets Chuckie and the potty chair down in it.]'' :'''Chaz''': Not Chuckie, not my son! He's gonna be taking diapers to work with him in his briefcase. :'''Didi''': Now, listen, Charles, I've been reading all about potty-training in Lipschitz, and it's really quite simple! ''[As Didi continues talking to Chaz, Chuckie walks sadly past Tommy, Phil, and Lil.]'' So, you just go off and have a good weekend. We'll take care of Chuckie, and we'll make sure he uses his '''P-O-T-T-Y.''' :'''Chaz''': His what? Oh. Oh, yeah. Well. Okay. But if there's any trouble, call the hotel. :'''Didi''': We're not gonna have any trouble, we'll be fine. :'''Chaz''': All right. Bye-bye, Chuckie. Be a good boy for Didi and Stu, okay? Use your potty, and don't eat any earthworms. :'''Didi''': Bye, Charles. :''[Didi pushes Chas towards the front door.]'' :'''Chaz''': Or breathe any noxious fumes! :''[Didi opens the front door.]'' :'''Didi''': Bye, Charles! :'''Chaz''': Or drink any radioactive waste!! :'''Didi''': Bye, Charles!! :''[Didi pushes Chaz out the front door.]'' :'''Chaz''': Or--! :''[Didi slams the door in Chas' face before he can finish what he's saying.]'' :'''Didi''': My goodness, what a worrywart! :''[Back at the playpen, Tommy, Phil, and Lil look down surprised at Chuckie's potty chair. Tommy crawls towards it, and they all look inside.]'' :'''Phil''': What is it?! :'''Lil''': I don't know. :''[Tommy grabs the handles of the lid with and pulls the lid off. He then puts the lid on his head.]'' :'''Tommy''': Maybe it's a hat. :'''Phil''': Nah, then what's the rest for?! :'''Tommy''': Maybe it's a big mush bowl. :''[Tommy climbs into Chuckie's potty chair and ducks. He pokes his head out when he hears Chuckie saying what it really is.]'' :'''Chuckie''': It's a potty!! You guys won't believe what they're trying to make me do!! :''[Tommy is now out of Chuckie's potty chair as he, Phil, and Lil look nervously at Chuckie.]'' :'''Tommy''': What, Chuckie? :'''Phil and Lil''': Yeah, what? :''[As Chuckie talks, Tommy walks towards him and Phil and Lil crawl towards him.]'' :'''Chuckie''': They're trying to make me... uh... they're trying to make me... Oh, I can't say it. :'''Tommy''': Tell us, Chuckie. :'''Chuckie''': Uh, they're trying to make me use that! ''[Chuckie points to his potty chair.]'' Instead of my diaper!! :'''Phil''': Nah, that can't happen! :'''Lil''': Yeah, how's it going to fit in your pants? :'''Chuckie''': Oh! :''[Tommy crawls up to Chuckie.]'' :'''Tommy''': But Chuckie, they can't do that to you! :'''Chuckie''': Well, they're doing it!! They call it getting potty-trained!! It's the worstest thing that's happened to me since my mom put me on the bottle!! :'''Lil''': What are you going to do? :'''Chuckie''': I don't know. I've tried everything! :'''Lil''': Maybe you could put a lot of napkins in your pants and use 'em like a diaper. :''[Lil pulls up her skirt, exposing her diaper.]'' :'''Chuckie''': I tried it. :'''Phil''': Maybe you could poop in your room and hide it in your toy box. :'''Chuckie''': Tried it. :'''Tommy''': Maybe you could just stop pooping altogether. :'''Chuckie''': Tried it. It's no use! No matter what I do, it looks like I'm going to have to be... potty-trained. :'''Angelica''': Ha!! You little babies really make me laugh!! First you cry for your mommies every time you get a little wet! ''[Angelica walks up to the playpen with an evil smile and unlatches the hook. She opens the playpen.]'' And now, finally, you get to go without 'em forever, and what do you do?! Chicken out!!! What's the matter? Little baby scared to be without his diapers?! :'''Chuckie''': No, that's not it! I'm not scared! I, I just don't want to be potty-trained, that's all. It's just not right!! :'''Angelica''': Not right?! Ha!!! That's a good one!! Don't you dummies know anything?! Everybody who's anybody is potty-trained!! :''[Angelica slaps her head.]'' :'''Chuckie''': Well, not me! I'm never going to do it!! They can't make me!! I'm going to wear my diapers forever, and no one is going to stop me. Not my mom, not my dad! Not the present of the Benited Steaks! (Instead of United States) ''[Chuckie stands up and puts his right hand over his heart as the American Flag appears behind him. Fireworks even go off in the background.]'' Because I... :'''Tommy''': Chuckie? :''[Chuckie puts both his hands over the front of his pants.]'' :'''Chuckie''': I... :'''Phil''': What's the matter, Chuckie? :'''Lil''': What's wrong? :''[Chuckie now has his hands pressed against the front of his pants and his legs crossed.]'' :'''Chuckie''': '''I... I... I GOTTA GO!!!''' :''[Chuckie starts crying with anguish. This gets Didi's attention, as she runs into the playpen and picks Chuckie up.]'' :'''Didi''': Oh, dear!! This is it! Stu, hurry!!! :''[Stu runs in, and Didi runs past him.]'' :'''Stu''': What, Deed?! :'''Didi''': Get the potty, get the potty!!! :'''Stu''': Where?! :''[Didi is now holding Chuckie in her right arm as she points towards Chuckie's potty chair.]'' :'''Didi''': There!!! :''[Didi runs desperately into the bathroom, carrying Chuckie. She sets Chuckie down, then pulls down his pants. Stu, who is carrying Chuckie's potty chair, is outside the bathroom door.]'' ===''The Big House/The Shot'' [2.3]=== :''[Tommy dribbles the ball. A strange baby is playing with a school bus and sees Tommy]'' :'''Wiseguy''': Psst! ''[Tommy hears him and looks around]'' Over here. :'''Tommy''': You talking to me? :'''Wiseguy''': (shushes) You don't want them screws to hear, do ya? :'''Tommy''': Screws? :'''Wiseguy''': You know, grownups. :'''Tommy''': Oh. :'''Wiseguy''': You new around here, ain't ya? Everybody around here calls me Wiseguy on account of I know everything what's going on. :'''Tommy''': Hi, Wiseguy, my name's Tommy Pickles. :'''Wiseguy''': Sure, sure. Listen, if you're gonna make it in this place, you gotta know what's what. :'''Tommy''': What? :'''Wiseguy''': Right, You see that kid over there? ''[A big chubby baby walks over to another baby in blue pajamas suckling on a bottle]'' That's Big Justin. He's kinda the boss around here on account of he's the biggest. ''[Big Justin takes the bottle apart from the other baby and suckles on it]'' You see that girl over there? ''[points at a girl building wooden blocks]'' They call her the Builder on account of she's always playing with blocks. And look over there. ''[The screen pans to a baby playing with red Play-Doh and yellow bits of clay all over him. He sculpts the Play-Doh into a pit bull]'' They call him Doughboy. He can make anything out of Play-Doh. :''[Doughboy sculpts the Play-Doh into a cat. Suddenly, Tommy and Wiseguy hear a baby crying very loud. A shot of inside his mouth is shown as Sandra and Jonathan arrive]'' :'''Tommy''': What's wrong with that kid? :'''Wiseguy''': Oh, don't worry about him; he's faking it. :'''Tommy''': Faking it? :'''Wiseguy''': Yep, that's Crybaby. ''[Sandra and Jonathan try to calm Crybaby down]'' He can make himself cry even when nothing's bothering him. :''[As Sandra and Jonathan turn away, Crybaby stops crying and grins for a moment, but resumes back to crying as Sandra and Jonathan take out a rattle and stuffed teddy bear]'' :'''Big Justin''': Hey. ''[Tommy and Wiseguy turn to Justin]'' Who's the new kid? :'''Wiseguy''': ''[stammers nervously]'' Oh, hi, Justin. This here is Tommy Pickles. :''[Tommy grins at Justin]'' :'''Big Justin''': Nice ball, kid. Give it to me. :'''Tommy''': ''[pulls it away]'' No! :''[All the babies stop playing and turn seeing this]'' :'''Big Justin''': What'd you say, kid? :'''Tommy''': It's my ball, you can't have it! :'''Big Justin''': Look, you're new around here, and maybe nobody warned ya, I'm Big Justin and I run this place. ''[pulls his suspenders in a snap]'' Now, '''''GIVE ME THE BALL!''''' ''[grabs the ball]'' :'''Tommy''': ''[pulls it back]'' '''''NO!!''''' :'''Big Justin''': I said '''''GIVE IT TO ME!!!''''' :''[Big Justin and Tommy get caught in a tug-o-war with the ball. Wiseguy and Crybaby watch this in shock]'' :'''Crybaby''': ''[holds a cookie]'' Betcha a cookie Justin gets the ball. :'''Wiseguy''': ''[gives Crybaby another]'' You're on. :''[Big Justin and Tommy continue fighting over the ball until Tommy lets the ball slip out of his fingers and ends up falling into a wagon, which rolls across the room, knocks over Builder's block structure, crushes Doughboy's clay cat sculpture and rams into a wall. Tommy sees Doughboy stare at what just happened]'' :'''Tommy''': ''[gasps]'' I'm sorry. :'''Doughboy''': ''[tears well up and bawls]'' '''''AAUUGGHH!!''''' :''[Sandra comes in and sees what just happened. She is accompanied by Jonathan and Bob]'' :'''Jonathan''': Diagnosis? :'''Sandra''': Destructive overreaction syndrome. Procedure? :'''Jonathan''': Positive reinforcement denial? :'''Sandra''': ''[shakes her head]'' Uh-uh. :'''Jonathan''': Withdrawal of snack gratification? :'''Sandra''': Uh-uh. :'''Bob''': ''[takes out a fresh diaper]'' Fresh change of diapers? :'''Sandra''': No. ''[points at Tommy, echoes''] Time out. :''[The babies gasp in shock one by one]'' :'''Wiseguy''': They're gonna give him the pen! :''[A single pen is shown by the corner of the room. Sandra rushes Tommy to the pen with Jonathan and Bob following]'' :'''Bob''': I yet say a nice change of diapers might cheer the little fella up! :'''Jonathan''': How long? :'''Sandra''': ''[holds five fingers]'' Five minutes. :'''Jonathan''': Five minutes?! Don't you think that's a bit...harsh? :'''Sandra''': ''[sternly]'' Do it. :''[Jonathan does so. The timer is heard ticking as Tommy goes hesitantly silent]'' :'''Builder''': Woah, five minutes! :'''Doughboy''': These screws just keep getting meaner and meaner. :''[Tommy lowly lays silent in the pen as he watches the cat clock on the wall. Tommy sees a toy jug and strides it along the wooden bars of the pen]'' :'''Sandra''': ''[confiscates the jug]'' No, no, Tommy. ''[grins]'' Noise-making is not part of... ''[echoes]'' ...time out. ===''Showdown at Teeter-Totter Gulch/Mirrorland'' [2.4a]=== :'''Mother''': ''[a la Demi Moore]'' Oh, look at you! Oh, I could kick myself for letting you having that gum, Prudence! ===''Angelica's in Love/Ice Cream Mountain'' [2.5]=== :'''Drew''': Mmm, what do you say to a little bet? Make things more interesting. Say, five bucks a hole? :'''Stu''': ''[loudly]'' Shame on you, Drew! Betting is a bad, bad thing! ''[quietly]'' Make it ten! ---- :'''Angelica''': ''[crying]'' I want my ice cream! :'''Stu''': We didn't really pay enough attention to the kids today. :'''Drew''': You're right, Stu. We got a couple of free games. Maybe we could let the kids play. It won't take long. :'''Earl''': ''[sobbing and groveling]'' Oh, please, no! Anything but that! I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING! :'''Stu''': Could we find something the kids will like? ===''Regarding Stuie/Garage Sale'' [2.6]=== :'''Lil''': Wanna play in my doll, Stuie. ''[He brings his doll and broke. Lil start public crying and then Stu]'' :''[Stu crying]'' :'''Chuckie''': Looks like trouble. :''[Stu crying continues]'' :'''Chuckie''': What's wrong, Stuie? :'''Stu''': Toy broke. :'''Tommy''': I miss my daddy! :''[Tommy starts rubbish crying]'' ===''Let There Be Light/The Bank Trick'' [2.7]=== ===''Family Reunion/Grandpa's Date'' [2.8]=== ===''No Bones About It/Beach Blanket Babies'' [2.9]=== ===''Reptar on Ice/Family Feud'' [2.10]=== :'''Chaz''': (Mighty Roaring) LOOK AT YOU! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?! While you were insulting each other and bringing up every petty difference from your past, you've forgotten about your children, the most important thing in your insignificant lives! ''(Roaring)'' YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED! :'''Howard''': Charles is right. Our behavior's been absolutely disgusting. I'm a failure and I've let everybody down while I should be— :'''Betty''': ''(panic)'' Yeah, yeah. Whine later, ya' little man. We gotta find the kids! ===''Superhero Chuckie/The Dog Broomer'' [2.11]=== ===''Aunt Miriam/The Inside Story'' [2.12]=== ===''A Visit from Lipschitz/What the Big People Do'' [2.13]=== ===''The Santa Experience'' [2.14]=== :'''Chuckie''': ''[voice only]'' First, it gets really, really cold. ''[A "snowball" passes by, revealing a man throwing artificial snow through a wreath-adorned hole on a wall, powered by a fan, voice only]'' Then, the grown-ups start acting really nice...''[Camera pans down to a line of people, waiting to see Santa. Chuckie is talking to Tommy]''...and smiling all the time. And that's not the worse part! One night... he comes! :'''Tommy''': Who comes? :'''Chuckie''': The scariest guy in the world! ''[show close-up of Chuckie's face]'' Santa Claus! :'''Tommy''': Chuckie! You can't be scared of Santa! He's big and fat and jolly and gives you presents! :'''Chuckie''': That's not what I heard! :''[Pan across to Santa's house]'' :'''Elf''': Okay, who's next to see Santa? :''[Cut to an excited Angelica]'' :'''Angelica''': Me, me, me! ''[She rushes towards Santa, pushing a kid out of her way and plopping right into Santa's lap]'' :'''Mall Santa''': Oh, uh... Ho ho ho! And how are you today, little, um... :'''Angelica''': Angelica. :'''Mall Santa''': Angelica! And why don't you tell Santa what you want for Christmas. :''[A photographer takes a picture of Santa and Angelica, who grins widely]'' :'''Angelica''': I want a Luxurious Hair Cynthia Doll. :'''Mall Santa''': Of course you do. And if you're a good little girl... :'''Angelica''': ''[She interrupts Santa to continue her list]'' A "Teenage Nuclear Fusion Squad" Video Game... :'''Mall Santa''': Well... :'''Angelica''': A Rocco Mr. X Exploding Smash-Up Doll, a "Beverly Hills Cynthia" Lunch Box, a pony, and a 9-11 Surgical Kit With Working Stethoscope. :'''Mall Santa''': Yes, that's an awful lot of presents... :'''Angelica''': ''[shouting in Santa's face]'' I'm not finished yet! <hr width=50%> :'''Angelica''': It all started when the first present was given by the Pilgrims a long, long time ago. After that, everybody started giving presents...even the Easter Bunny started giving them 'til Santa slapped him with a lawsuit. <hr width=50%> :''[Fade to a wide shot of the cabin outside. Santa and eight reindeer fly over head. Sparkles fly out of the rear to form the words "Merry Christmas"]'' :'''Real Santa''': Ho, ho, ho! Merry [[Christmas]]! ===''Visitors from Outer Space/The Case of the Missing Rugrat'' [2.15]=== :'''Robot''': My batteries don't need no doggone recharge, for your information. ===''Chuckie Loses His Glasses/Chuckie Gets Skunked'' [2.16]=== :'''Phil''': Does that mean we're never gonna see Chuckie again? :'''Lil''': Oh noooo! :'''Phil''': Who's gonna have all his toys? :'''Lil''': I wonder if I could have them! :'''Phil''': I thought of it first! :'''Lil''': Did not! :'''Phil''': Did too! :'''Lil''': Did not! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chuckie''': Aaah! Somebody help me! I can't see! Well, I can see a little. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Chuckie''': Maybe we should find a nice game to play inside. :'''Angelica''': Like what? You wanna eat the rest of my crayons!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Drew''': Oh, no! All over my new sweater! ===''Rebel Without a Teddy Bear/Angelica the Magnificent'' [2.17]=== ===''Meet the Carmichaels/The Box'' [2.18]=== ===''Down the Drain/Let Them Eat Cake'' [2.19]=== ===''The Seven Voyages of Cynthia/My Friend Barney'' [2.20]=== ===''Feeding Hubert/Spike the Wonder Dog'' [2.21]=== ===''The Slide/The Big Flush'' [2.22]=== :'''Tommy''': But, Chuckie, that wasn't your slide. That was a big kids' slide. There's no reason you can't go down your slide. :'''Chuckie''': I tried, Tommy. I really tried, but it's no use. Now I am a-scared of every slide in the world. ===''King Ten Pin/Runaway Angelica'' [2.23]=== :'''Angelica''': ''[crying]'' Daddy! Daddy! :'''Drew''': Angelica?! What are you doing here? :'''Angelica''': ''[crying]'' Daddy, I heard you! I heard it all! I'm sorry I was bad and runned away from home! I'm sorry I cut up your papers and broke your fax machine! I'm sorry and I promise I'll never be bad again! Only please, take me back! :'''Drew''': Take you back? Honey, I didn't even know you were gone! :'''Angelica''': You didn't? :'''Drew''': No! I thought you were still in your room, safe and sound. :'''Angelica''': You mean you didn't even know I runned away? :'''Drew''': I had no idea! Oh, but sweetheart, you know you'll always be my princess, no matter what you do. You're my baby and I love you. ''[Angelica hugs him]'' ===''Game Show Didi/Toys in the Attic'' [2.24]=== :''[The episode credits play over a pattern of red, green, and blue dots that move around]'' :'''Man's voice''': :''[The dots zoom out, revealing that they make up the display on the Pickles' TV set; Tommy is standing very close to the screen, watching the man talk]'' :'''Man on TV''': I knew right then I had snagged me a walla pike. :''[the camera pans over to Grandpa, who has fallen asleep in his chair and is still holding the remote]'' :'''Didi''': ''[walks into the living room, gasps loudly when she sees Tommy standing so close to the set, and walks over to him]'' No, no, no, honey! ''[lifts up Tommy and looks at him]'' Don't you know that focusing so closely on images can permanently damage your vision? :''[As she talks, she looks closer into Tommy's eyes, which go cross-eyed, causing Tommy to see multiple copies of Didi's face. He quickly uncrosses his eyes, making his vision go back to normal. Didi sets Tommy down on the floor so he can crawl around, then approaches Grandpa, takes the remote from him without waking him up, sits down on the couch, and changes the channel from the fishing show to what looks like a talk show, but with a donkey as the host]'' ===''Driving Miss Angelica/Susie vs. Angelica'' [2.25]=== ===''Tooth or Dare/Party Animals'' [2.26a]=== :'''Angelica''': NO! I'm gonna wish for something real good! :'''Tommy''': Be careful what you wish for, Angelica! You just might get it! :'''Chuckie''': What are we gonna do, Tommy?! What are we gonna do?! :'''Tommy''': There's only one thing we can do. We're gonna find Angelica's magic lamp, and we got to wish for everything to be right-right again. [[Category:Television show seasons]] hj7ouz6p4jq7mgwdaes0g3elnfegwlk 0 279255 3944673 3923912 2026-05-24T00:33:03Z ~2026-30912-40 3328472 /* */ 3944673 wikitext text/x-wiki ''[[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 video game)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]'' (2006) is a video game for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360. ==''Princess Elise III''== * I don't believe it! ''[After achieving an "S" rank]'' * Not bad! ''[After achieving an "A" rank]'' * How was that? ''[After achieving an "B" rank]'' * I'm a bit tired. ''[After achieving an "C" rank]'' * I lose.... ''[After achieving an "D" rank]'' * I got hurt! * "If you have time to worry, then run." Right? ==''{{w|Dr. Eggman}}''== * Now Princess, this way please... * I've come here to obtain the secret of the Flames of Disaster from you. And to take the miracle gems that are the key to its secret... The Chaos Emerald! * A pleasure to meet you at last, dear Princess of Soleanna. * You wasted so much of my time! * ''(After Shadow enters the train by breaking through the ceiling)'' Wouldn't the door have been easier? * Mephiles played us all for fools! His plan all along was to cause the Princess to be so consumed with despair that she'd cry. * Here I come, Sonic! (during the Egg Wyvern boss battle) * It's no use! Pull back pull Back! (starting to leave from Mephiles being free) * I'm not finished yet! * Why you little... Upper cannons open fire! Shoot him down! * Not that irritating hedgehog again! '''''ATTACK!!''''' ==''{{w|Mephiles the Dark}}''== * Wuahahahaha! Oh, how ironic fate can be! I would never have believed I would be resurrected through your shade! I thank you. Shadow the Hedgehog! * I'm Mephiles, Mephiles the Dark. ''[long pause]'' What, did you for''get'' me? I owe much to you, Shadow. ''[short pause]'' Oh, yes. ''[energy ball in his hand]'' What you gave to me, I now return to you: a 1-way ticket to oblivion! * I was expecting you sooner. * As you must know, you're already too late. * But it still time for you to change your mind. Join me, Shadow. Let us teach this world a lesson and rewrite the future. * It's a pity, Shadow the Hedgehog. Truly a shame that you would fight against me. * Hahahahahaha, ahahahahaha!!! Finally, the seal is broken! At long last, I will be able to join with you, ''IBLIS!!'' Now, Chaos Emerald. It's time for the final curtain call! * Just as a flower comes from a seed or a chicken comes from an egg, everything has an origin. * ''[to Omega during first battle]'' You're just a nuisance... robot. * ''[taking damage in Boss Battle]'' Gah! * ''[after Silver finds him in Soleanna]'' Why does that matter to you? Unless you complete your task, your future will remain the same... forever. * Drown in darkness! * Sink into darkness! * Looking for me? * I'm your shadow... You can't even ''touch'' me... * Why fight at all? Why risk your life for those who will persecute you later? * The 'I' of now absorbed your power through your shadow in the past. What may have worked ten years ago no longer does! *''[After making hundreds of clones of him]'' You must realize by now that you can not hope to stop me with your 'limited' power! * I'll make sure you regret this, Shadow the Hedgehog! * Such foolishness. Very well! Let's see if you can entertain me! ==Shadow's Story== ===''{{w|E-123 Omega}}''=== * Perfect Mission. ''(When achieving an "S" rank)'' * Good Performance. ''(When achieving an "A" rank)'' * Now is the designated time! * I shall assist. * Shadow. Rouge asked me to support you. * What is Eggman up to? Who is Mephiles? * Shadow, the one who defeats and seals you in the future... ''(points to himself)'' is me. * Eventually when something or someone is seen as too powerful... it is seen as a threat. ''(reaches out "hand" to gesture at Shadow, who has turned away, unnerved)'' And then the world becomes its enemy. * Our targets are the Chaos Emeralds. Begin searching immediately. * (After dying) "System Error..." ===''{{w|Rouge the Bat}}''=== * Don't you want to know what this is? * It's... It's so unfair! Shadow's always here to defend the world. Despite that... * Shadow...? Even if you believe everyone in the world will be against you... know that I'll always remain by your side. Remember that. * Well, now... I may not look it, but I'm a real treasure hunter. Unlike a certain echidna I know. * My precious Chaos Emerald. You are all so beautiful. Your mysterious brilliance... * I've found a Chaos Emerald! * Hmph. He finally shows up again and then he leaves before even saying, "Hello." Well, it seems his little trip hasn't changed him. * What did you think of my beautiful technique? ''(after getting an 'S' rank)'' * For me, it's a piece of cake. ''(after getting an 'A' rank)'' * That was pretty good, I guess. ''(after getting an 'B' rank)'' * I guess I took a bit too long. ''(after getting an 'C' rank)'' * How can I call myself a treasure hunter? ''(after getting an 'D' rank)'' * So, Shadow, what do you think? ===''{{w|Shadow the Hedgehog}}''=== * Hmph. Perfect. ''(When achieving an "S" Rank)'' * Hmph. Not even a challenge. ''(When achieving an "A" Rank)'' * I determine my own destiny. * Don't try to deceive me. [Mephiles: What?] You have no desire for revenge. You only crave destruction. Your only lust is to fuel Iblis until there is nothing left of time itself. * That's absurd. Whatever it is you want to do, you can do it alone. * Follow me if you want the truth. * (''while fighting Solaris'') A super-dimensional being? Heh, this might even be a fair fight! * Guess that was alright. ''("B" rank)'' * Need to stay focused.. ''("C" rank)'' * I will release you from the chains of your past. * Time to unleash the ultimate power! * Rouge! You saved me. * This is the distant future, far removed from our own timeline. * ''(how to return)'' You need a space-time rift, but this requires a lot of energy.(After Sonic answers)Yes, but that alone is insufficient! * ''(to Eggman)'' Who is Mephiles? And why are you trying to capture him? * ''(After fighting Mephiles)'' So you say, if the world chooses to become my enemy, I will fight like I always have! * I am Shadow. Shadow The Hedgehog. * To discover what happened, it seems we must see what took place 10 years ago. Follow me if you want the truth. ''(Jumps into the portal)'' * LET'S GET MOVING! * Heh... There's no strength in numbers! * I found the means to seal Mephiles. * The rift is getting bigger. There's no time left! * ''(sets Scepter of Darkness aside Elise)'' I already know what becomes of it in the future... * ''(about Sonic)'' Certainly, it might've been possible... if he was still alive. * The time-space rift is expanding! There's no time left... I've got to hurry! * (After learning about the doctor's train) Shoot, I've gotta get to the station! * Maybe I wasn't strong enough... (When achieving a "D" rank) * Who are you? And how do you know my name? (After Mephiles knows Shadow's name) * (After falling off a pitfall) NOOOOOOO! * Don't touch it! * Mephiles, I won't let you escape! ==Silver's Story== ===''{{w|Amy Rose}}''=== * '''YAY!!! I ''ROCK!!!''''' ''(When achieving an "B" Rank)'' * Aren't I just incredible?! ''(When achieving an "A" Rank)'' * I gotta do better than this. ''(When achieving an "D" Rank)'' * 2 heads are better than one when looking for someone! * ''[to Silver]'' The person you were looking for was Sonic?! Were you planning to kill him? * If I had to choose between the world and Sonic, I would choose Sonic! * Ho... that was close. ''[After achieving an "C" rank]'' * Hmm... I sense Sonic's presence there. Call it my girlish intuition. * HEY! You're not Sonic! ''[Slaps Silver, who almost falls off the roof, but Amy ignores it, and buries her face in her hands]'' Um... I'm sorry! * Just perfect! ''[After achieving an "S" rank]'' * Sonic! You came! * Absolutely NOT! ===''{{w|Blaze the Cat}}''=== * You're so naive. Whether it's right or wrong, I can't really say… but what I do know is... if we don't take this chance, the future will remain exactly as it is. * ''(After Silver is rejected as the vessel for Iblis)'' I'll take Iblis. Don't worry. My soul is already alit with flames. I will be accepted. * The Iblis Trigger... Blue Hedgehog... * That's a Chaos Emerald. It's said this gem can transform your thoughts into power. Collect seven, and a miracle's supposed to happen. Keep it as a lucky charm. * You're still so naive. But... I... I've always liked that about you. * Can't complain. ''(after getting an 'S' rank)'' * Good luck, Silver. ''(as she drifts away)'' * The Iblis trigger...blue hedgehog...Can it be true? i need to find Silver fast! (in her Wave Ocean level) * Darn! Why now? (when the whale is chasing her in Wave Ocean) * Ooch! (when she gets hurt) * It's useless... (when defeated) * Can't complain. ''(When achieving an "S" rank)'' * All it takes is a little effort. ''(When achieving an "A" rank)'' * That was so-so. ''(When achieving an "B" rank)'' * I should have done better. ''(When achieving an "C" rank)'' * That was weak. ''(When achieving an "D" rank)'' ===''{{w|Silver the Hedgehog}}''=== * ''(narrating the Intro of his Story)'' This world was devastated before I was born. A harsh bleak place, where we live in eternal darkness. Life is a struggle, and people live without hope. How did this happen? No one will answer me directly. But they always point... to the flames. ''(a fiery tornado rises appears before Silver, who extinguishes it with his Psychokinesis)'' These flames. They burn away at my world, destroying every thing in their path. They come from an eternal life form that we cannot truly defeat. The Flames of Disaster known as Iblis. * I've finally found him... the Iblis Trigger! * PERFECT!! ''(When getting an "S" Rank)'' * Looks like I'm on a roll! ''(When getting an "A" Rank)'' * Don't you dare turn your back on me! * It's time I finally put an end to this! * Your actions will condemn us all! * For the future of the world, I will destroy you! * I will change the past, and save the world! * I'm coming Kitty cat! * Shadow! I'll be looking out for your 'truth'. * A guard, huh? Just try and stop me! ''(When battling Egg Genesis)'' * This is the end! Prepare to meet your doom! * I will protect the future! * Now I must fight for the future. * My name is Silver. * Time for you to disappear, Iblis Trigger! * Don't get in my way! * I won't give up! It all depends on me! Can't lose! Not when I'm so close! '''CHAOS CONTROL!''' * The root of all our problems... I will defeat you, My lord! * Is this a joke? How could someone like you cause the destruction of our world? * It doesn't matter. For the sake of the future, the Iblis Trigger must be destroyed! * Mephiles! Why are you getting in my way? * I see it! So... that blue hedgehog's the Iblis Trigger? * What's the point of all this? It'll never end! * ''(to Mephiles)'' Who is the Iblis Trigger? Why does he want to destroy the world? * (''to Blaze'') I can't! I wouldn't know what to do... without ''you''! You've fought alongside me to save the world... You're my friend... Right? * Circumstances have changed. I need to rescue the Princess! * So THAT'S why he wanted me to kill Sonic before! * You were the vessel that was used to seal Iblis. You should be able to use the gems' power to rescue Sonic's soul! * Blaze? To kill someone to save the world... Is that really the right thing to do? * Since he's after Dr. Eggman, let's sneak into Eggman's base! * If you say it exists in the past, present ''and'' future, I'll destroy them all at once! * Amy? Get out of my way Amy, this is my mission! * I've been looking for you, You're the Iblis trigger! * (When dying) Not... now. * (To Shadow when fighting Solaris) You're low on ring energy, use the triangle/Y button to switch with me! * ''IT'S NO USE!!!'' * ''TAKE THIS!!'' * (Take too long to clear a stage and get a "D" Rank) I need to pull it together... * That took too long! ''(When getting an "C" Rank)'' * No! I can't do that to you! ==Sonic's Story== ===''{{w|Knuckles the Echidna}}''=== * Who was that guy? He looked just like Shadow! * I saw Eggman on the outskirts of the city. He wanted me to give ''this'' to you. ''(tosses Sonic a holographic message)'' * No matter where we go, all we see are ruins. How can this be our future? * I'll take care of it! * Alright! ''(when receiving an "S" rank)'' * That felt good. ''(when receiving an "A" rank)'' * Well, that wasn't...too bad. ''(get a "B" rank)'' * Hmph. That took longer than I thought. ''(get a "C" rank)'' * Shoot! I still got a ways to go... ''(get a "D" rank)'' ===''{{w|Miles "Tails" Prower}}''=== * I heard you tried to rescue their princess from Dr. Eggman. * A Chaos Emerald! You've already found one! * ''(landing in isolated base in the future)'' Boy, do I feel dizzy... Where are we? * This is terrible! According to the data, the princess died when she was kidnapped by Eggman! Apparently Eggman's battleship exploded! The data of this incident was... two days after the Festival of the Sun! * WHOA! My head's spinning! * GREAT! I did it, Sonic! ''(when getting an "S" rank)'' * An "A" effort! ''(get an "A" rank)'' * Well, not bad! ''(get an "B" rank)'' * Elise is on that battleship? Wait up, we're coming! ===''[[w:Sonic the Hedgehog (character)|Sonic the Hedgehog]]''=== * That was incredible! ''(When getting an 'S' rank)'' * Too easy! No sweat! ''(When getting an 'A' rank)'' * My... That's a pretty snazzy performance there. * The whole city's on fire! * That tornado's carrying a car! * Doesn't look like you're here to talk. * Here I come! Gotcha! * Piece of cake! No sweat! * Darn! We're not gonna make it. Let's speed up! * This is your pet, huh? Okay, Eggman. I'll play with him! ''(When Battling Egg Cerberus)'' * If I find the one issuing orders and defeat him, I can defeat everyone at once. * If you have time to worry, then run! * Nothing starts until you take action. * You think you can intimidate me with your size? Let's see what you can do! ''(When Battling Egg Genesis)'' * Silver! I can handle this myself. Besides, you have somewhere to go, right? * I'll make sure to change Elise's fate. And that in turn should change your future, too. * Since Eggman went to the trouble of telling me where Elise is, I think I should thank him personally. *(''resurrected as Super Sonic'') Thank you, Elise. * Alright, it's my turn. Let's have some fun, Overlord! * Smile. * WHHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAA! ''(Falling into an abyss)'' * This is it, Eggman! Prepare for another defeat! * The present day...the here and now you've stolen, time to take it back! * Cool! It's raining fire! * I'm Sonic... Sonic The Hedgehog! * ''(Take too long in finishing a stage or get a 'D' rank)'' Man! Today's not my day! * I've gotta hurry and save Elise! * Nice smile. ==Quotes about Sonic the Hedgehog (2006 game)== *Sonic the Hedgehog may share its name with the Genesis original, but this game is even more broken than most of the other recent Sonic games have been. [...] Only the most blindly reverent Sonic the Hedgehog fan could possibly squeeze any enjoyment out of Sega's latest adventure. This platformer is a mess from top to bottom, and any of the occasional moments that don't feel somehow broken only serve to make the game's other flaws appear that much bigger. **Jeff Gerstmann of {{w|Gamespot}} in November 2006 [https://www.gamespot.com/reviews/sonic-the-hedgehog-review/1900-6162205/] *The 2006 Sonic game was meant to be something of a soft reboot for the franchise, telling an entirely new story, albeit with the same characters, in a new location. The story is vast, expanding the universe, introducing plenty of brand-new characters, telling the tale of a race to stop a dark god from consuming time itself; unfortunately, that doesn't save it from being an underwhelming installment in the franchise. After all, half of the plot is about saving a princess from Dr. Eggman over and over again, and the other half is a poorly paced mess of confusing timelines and underwritten characters. **Holden Sasaki of {{w|Screen Rant}} in October 2024 [https://screenrant.com/sonic-the-hedgehog-3-sequel-06-game-bad-story-redeem/] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Sonic the Hedgehog}} [[Category:2006 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation 3 video games]] [[Category:Xbox 360 video games]] [[Category:Sonic the Hedgehog video games]] [[Category:Video game reboots]] [[Category:Apocalyptic video games]] 4guz4bglaljd526xe3kmzcdayc2dr55 0 280775 3944472 3942985 2026-05-23T13:43:10Z Saroj 2925457 removed [[Category:Feminists]]; added [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944472 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Kajsa Ekis Ekman|Kajsa Ekis Ekman]]''' (born in 1980) is a Swedish author, journalist, and debater. Her works have sparked debate in subjects regarding [[w:prostitution|prostitution]], [[w:surrogacy|surrogacy]], [[w:transgender|transgender]] issues, and [[w:capitalism|capitalism]]. She identifies as a [[w:feminist|feminist]] and has written a book and several articles from a [[w:gender-critical feminism|gender-critical]] perspective. She participated in the Swedish launch of [[w:Women's Declaration International|Women's Declaration International]]. Later in 2022 she was hired as editor of ''[[w:Arbetaren|Arbetaren]]'', but let go shortly afterwards, which generated extensive debate. {{author-stub}} ==Quotes== * ''[About prostitution and surrogacy]'' Both are industries that commodify women and turn what at the foundation of human life into products. In prostitution what is sold is sex without reproduction. In surrogacy, it is reproduction without sex. In both cases, however, it is the woman who is sold and she is denied the fundamental point of the activity itself: she does not get pleasure from sex and she does not get any children from reproduction. In both cases she is totally dehumanized. **Entrambe sono industrie che mercificano le donne e trasformano in prodotti ciò che al fondamento della vita umana. Nella prostituzione ciò che viene venduto è il sesso senza riproduzione. Nella maternità surrogata, si tratta di riproduzione senza sesso. In entrambi i casi, però, è la donna a essere venduta e le viene negato il punto fondamentale dell'attività stessa: non prova piacere dal sesso e non ottiene alcun figlio dalla riproduzione. In entrambi i casi è totalmente disumanizzata. ***From ''Essere ed essere comprate'', Meltemi, 250 pp. As quoted in Antonella Mariano, ''[https://www.avvenire.it/vita/pagine/la-schiavitu-della-surrogata La femminista Ekis Ekman e la "schiavitù" della maternità surrogata]'', in ''[[w:Avvenire|Avvenire.it]]'' (in Italian; October 24, 2024) ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category-inline|Kajsa Ekis Ekman}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Ekman, Kajsa Ekis}} [[Category:1980 births]] [[Category:Journalists from Sweden]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] [[Category:Debaters]] [[Category:Women authors from Sweden]] 18vh79dl7p7dao7fxj9g5eg2q9bxulw 0 286692 3944664 3917634 2026-05-24T00:20:30Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944664 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cosplay of Crash Bandicoot and Aku Aku at Brussels Comic Con 2022 (51972756628).jpg|thumb|WHOA!]] {{italic title}} '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', also known as simply '''''Crash''''', is a 1996 platformer by Naughty Dog and the first installment of the Crash Bandicoot franchise. ==Dr. Neo Cortex== * Moron! This bandicoot will be my general. He will lead my Cortex Commandos to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! * Quickly, into the Vortex! * Failure again! Capture him! * Prepare the female bandicoot! * Darn you, Crash Bandicoot! ==Dr. Nitrus Brio== * But, Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We don’t know what it could do! * But Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! ==Dialogue== :''[Castle Cortex is shown, shrouded in twilight. N. Brio is heard talking.]'' :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! :''[Brio laughs giddily. The camera pans down inside a room in the castle, showing a large machine pointed at a table with a bandicoot strapped to it. Brio and Cortex stand either side of the table.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Moron! This bandicoot will be my general, and he will lead my "Cortex Commandos" to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! :''[The machine fires a beam at Crash, making him cry out in pain. The camera shows stack of cages all marked with different species of animal. Brio is shown pulling a lever to raise Crash, who is now seated on a chair, into the Cortex Vortex.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': We are closer than ever before! Quickly! Into the Vortex! :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Doctor Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We have no idea what it could do? :''[Crash is raised into the Cortex Vortex. A loud mechanical droning is heard, a bright lights go off. A screen at the Vortex's control panel shows that Crash, labelled "BANDICOOT 1.0", has been rejected.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Failure again...! CAPTURE HIM! :''[Cortex chases Crash across the screen. Crash runs and smashes through a window.]'' :'''Crash Bandicoot: "Uh-oh!" :''[Crash plummets into the ocean below. Tawna is shown, being held against a wall by Lab Assistants. She lifts her head, looking horrified.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': "Prepare the female bandicoot!" ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Crash Bandicoot (series)]] [[Category:1996 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation video games]] [[Category:PlayStation-only video games]] [[Category:Naughty Dog]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:3D platformers]] tvtnhcn80jav1jnq02isu4s1up7vako 3944666 3944664 2026-05-24T00:23:02Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944666 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cosplay of Crash Bandicoot and Aku Aku at Brussels Comic Con 2022 (51972756628).jpg|thumb|WHOA!]] {{italic title}} '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', also known as simply '''''Crash''''', is a 1996 platformer by Naughty Dog and the first installment of the Crash Bandicoot franchise. ==Dr. Neo Cortex== * Moron! This bandicoot will be my general. He will lead my Cortex Commandos to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! * Quickly, into the Vortex! * Failure again! Capture him! * Prepare the female bandicoot! * Darn you, Crash Bandicoot! ==Dr. Nitrus Brio== * But, Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We don’t know what it could do! * But Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! ==Dialogue== :''[Castle Cortex is shown, shrouded in twilight. N. Brio is heard talking.]'' :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! :''[Brio laughs giddily. The camera pans down inside a room in the castle, showing a large machine pointed at a table with a bandicoot strapped to it. Brio and Cortex stand either side of the table.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Moron! This bandicoot will be my general, and he will lead my "Cortex Commandos" to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! :''[The machine fires a beam at Crash, making him cry out in pain. The camera shows stack of cages all marked with different species of animal. Brio is shown pulling a lever to raise Crash, who is now seated on a chair, into the Cortex Vortex.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': We are closer than ever before! Quickly! Into the Vortex! :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Doctor Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We have no idea what it could do? :''[Crash is raised into the Cortex Vortex. A loud mechanical droning is heard, a bright lights go off. A screen at the Vortex's control panel shows that Crash, labelled "BANDICOOT 1.0", has been rejected.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Failure again...! CAPTURE HIM! :''[Cortex chases Crash across the screen. Crash runs and smashes through a window.]'' :'''Crash Bandicoot: Uh-oh! :''[Crash plummets into the ocean below. Tawna is shown, being held against a wall by Lab Assistants. She lifts her head, looking horrified.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': "Prepare the female bandicoot!" ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Crash Bandicoot (series)]] [[Category:1996 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation video games]] [[Category:PlayStation-only video games]] [[Category:Naughty Dog]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:3D platformers]] r32p2u0hcf4laedu98jxx4h4eur4tb1 3944667 3944666 2026-05-24T00:23:18Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944667 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cosplay of Crash Bandicoot and Aku Aku at Brussels Comic Con 2022 (51972756628).jpg|thumb|WHOA!]] {{italic title}} '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', also known as simply '''''Crash''''', is a 1996 platformer by Naughty Dog and the first installment of the Crash Bandicoot franchise. ==Dr. Neo Cortex== * Moron! This bandicoot will be my general. He will lead my Cortex Commandos to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! * Quickly, into the Vortex! * Failure again! Capture him! * Prepare the female bandicoot! * Darn you, Crash Bandicoot! ==Dr. Nitrus Brio== * But, Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We don’t know what it could do? * But Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! ==Dialogue== :''[Castle Cortex is shown, shrouded in twilight. N. Brio is heard talking.]'' :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! :''[Brio laughs giddily. The camera pans down inside a room in the castle, showing a large machine pointed at a table with a bandicoot strapped to it. Brio and Cortex stand either side of the table.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Moron! This bandicoot will be my general, and he will lead my "Cortex Commandos" to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! :''[The machine fires a beam at Crash, making him cry out in pain. The camera shows stack of cages all marked with different species of animal. Brio is shown pulling a lever to raise Crash, who is now seated on a chair, into the Cortex Vortex.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': We are closer than ever before! Quickly! Into the Vortex! :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Doctor Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We have no idea what it could do? :''[Crash is raised into the Cortex Vortex. A loud mechanical droning is heard, a bright lights go off. A screen at the Vortex's control panel shows that Crash, labelled "BANDICOOT 1.0", has been rejected.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Failure again...! CAPTURE HIM! :''[Cortex chases Crash across the screen. Crash runs and smashes through a window.]'' :'''Crash Bandicoot: Uh-oh! :''[Crash plummets into the ocean below. Tawna is shown, being held against a wall by Lab Assistants. She lifts her head, looking horrified.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': "Prepare the female bandicoot!" ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Crash Bandicoot (series)]] [[Category:1996 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation video games]] [[Category:PlayStation-only video games]] [[Category:Naughty Dog]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:3D platformers]] qdqfqqgr6gbad8eml0e5rtizdu5knz2 3944669 3944667 2026-05-24T00:23:51Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944669 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cosplay of Crash Bandicoot and Aku Aku at Brussels Comic Con 2022 (51972756628).jpg|thumb|WHOA!]] {{italic title}} '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', also known as simply '''''Crash''''', is a 1996 platformer by Naughty Dog and the first installment of the Crash Bandicoot franchise. ==Dr. Neo Cortex== * Moron! This bandicoot will be my general. He will lead my Cortex Commandos to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! * Quickly, into the Vortex! * Failure again! Capture him! * Prepare the female bandicoot! * Darn you, Crash Bandicoot! ==Dr. Nitrus Brio== * But, Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We don’t know what it could do? * But, Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! ==Dialogue== :''[Castle Cortex is shown, shrouded in twilight. N. Brio is heard talking.]'' :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Dor. Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! :''[Brio laughs giddily. The camera pans down inside a room in the castle, showing a large machine pointed at a table with a bandicoot strapped to it. Brio and Cortex stand either side of the table.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Moron! This bandicoot will be my general, and he will lead my "Cortex Commandos" to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! :''[The machine fires a beam at Crash, making him cry out in pain. The camera shows stack of cages all marked with different species of animal. Brio is shown pulling a lever to raise Crash, who is now seated on a chair, into the Cortex Vortex.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': We are closer than ever before! Quickly! Into the Vortex! :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We have no idea what it could do? :''[Crash is raised into the Cortex Vortex. A loud mechanical droning is heard, a bright lights go off. A screen at the Vortex's control panel shows that Crash, labelled "BANDICOOT 1.0", has been rejected.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Failure again...! CAPTURE HIM! :''[Cortex chases Crash across the screen. Crash runs and smashes through a window.]'' :'''Crash Bandicoot: Uh-oh! :''[Crash plummets into the ocean below. Tawna is shown, being held against a wall by Lab Assistants. She lifts her head, looking horrified.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': "Prepare the female bandicoot!" ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Crash Bandicoot (series)]] [[Category:1996 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation video games]] [[Category:PlayStation-only video games]] [[Category:Naughty Dog]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:3D platformers]] 3hkq32xqxuz0dstphp18v5wmh2slzyo 3944670 3944669 2026-05-24T00:25:56Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944670 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cosplay of Crash Bandicoot and Aku Aku at Brussels Comic Con 2022 (51972756628).jpg|thumb|WHOA!]] {{italic title}} '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', also known as simply '''''Crash''''', is a 1996 platformer by Naughty Dog and the first installment of the Crash Bandicoot franchise. ==Dr. Neo Cortex== * Moron! This bandicoot will be my general. He will lead my Cortex Commandos to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! * Quickly, into the Vortex! * Failure again! Capture him! * Prepare the female bandicoot! * Darn you, Crash Bandicoot! ==Dr. Nitrus Brio== * But, Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We don’t know what it could do? * But, Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! ==Dialogue== :''[Castle Cortex is shown, shrouded in twilight. N. Brio is heard talking.]'' :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Dor. Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! :''[Brio laughs giddily. The camera pans down inside a room in the castle, showing a large machine pointed at a table with a bandicoot strapped to it. Brio and Cortex stand either side of the table.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Moron! This bandicoot will be my general, and he will lead my "Cortex Commandos" to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! :''[The machine fires a beam at Crash, making him cry out in pain. The camera shows stack of cages all marked with different species of animal. Brio is shown pulling a lever to raise Crash, who is now seated on a chair, into the Cortex Vortex.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': We are closer than ever before! Quickly! Into the Vortex! :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We have no idea what it could do? :''[Crash is raised into the Cortex Vortex. A loud mechanical droning is heard, a bright lights go off. A screen at the Vortex's control panel shows that Crash, labelled "BANDICOOT 1.0", has been rejected.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Failure again...! CAPTURE HIM! :''[Cortex chases Crash across the screen. Crash runs and smashes through a window.]'' :'''Crash Bandicoot''': Uh-oh! :''[Crash plummets into the ocean below. Tawna is shown, being held against a wall by Lab Assistants. She lifts her head, looking horrified.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': "Prepare the female bandicoot!" ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Crash Bandicoot (series)]] [[Category:1996 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation video games]] [[Category:PlayStation-only video games]] [[Category:Naughty Dog]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:3D platformers]] 23k7atee8x8bm4tz8q2lic5nlmfyos0 3944674 3944670 2026-05-24T00:33:56Z ~2026-24570-23 3313017 3944674 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Cosplay of Crash Bandicoot and Aku Aku at Brussels Comic Con 2022 (51972756628).jpg|thumb|WHOA!]] {{italic title}} '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot (video game)|Crash Bandicoot]]''', also known as simply '''''Crash''''', is a 1996 platformer by Naughty Dog and the first installment of the Crash Bandicoot franchise. ==Dr. Neo Cortex== * Moron! This bandicoot will be my general. He will lead my Cortex Commandos to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! * We are closer than ever before! Quickly! Into the Vortex! * Failure again...! CAPTURE HIM! * Prepare the female bandicoot! * Darn you, Crash Bandicoot! ==Dr. Nitrus Brio== * But, Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We don’t know what it could do? * But, Doctor Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! ==Dialogue== :''[Castle Cortex is shown, shrouded in twilight. N. Brio is heard talking.]'' :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Dor. Cortex! We have not determined the cause of past failures! :''[Brio laughs giddily. The camera pans down inside a room in the castle, showing a large machine pointed at a table with a bandicoot strapped to it. Brio and Cortex stand either side of the table.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Moron! This bandicoot will be my general, and he will lead my "Cortex Commandos" to world domination! This time, I shall reign triumphant! :''[The machine fires a beam at Crash, making him cry out in pain. The camera shows stack of cages all marked with different species of animal. Brio is shown pulling a lever to raise Crash, who is now seated on a chair, into the Cortex Vortex.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': We are closer than ever before! Quickly! Into the Vortex! :'''Dr. Nitrus Brio''': But Dr. Cortex, the Vortex is not ready! We have no idea what it could do? :''[Crash is raised into the Cortex Vortex. A loud mechanical droning is heard, a bright lights go off. A screen at the Vortex's control panel shows that Crash, labelled "BANDICOOT 1.0", has been rejected.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Failure again...! CAPTURE HIM! :''[Cortex chases Crash across the screen. Crash runs and smashes through a window.]'' :'''Crash Bandicoot''': Uh-oh! :''[Crash plummets into the ocean below. Tawna is shown, being held against a wall by Lab Assistants. She lifts her head, looking horrified.]'' :'''Dr. Neo Cortex''': Prepare the female bandicoot! ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Crash Bandicoot (series)]] [[Category:1996 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation video games]] [[Category:PlayStation-only video games]] [[Category:Naughty Dog]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:3D platformers]] hqmyedo89nia9o5mdn20jpuq07er6dy 0 287085 3944628 3931011 2026-05-23T22:07:44Z GrimRob 1187925 typo 3944628 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jack H. Jacobs (53741490821) (cropped).jpg|thumb|Art can often approximate life, but it has a hard time doing it justice.]] Colonel '''[[w:Jack H. Jacobs|Jack Howard Jacobs]]''' (born August 2, 1945) is a retired colonel in the United States Army and a [[Medal of Honor]] recipient for his actions during the [[Vietnam War]]. He serves as a military analyst for NBC News and MSNBC and previously worked as an investment manager. == Quotes == [[File:A home away from war, Texas calling all Purple Heart recipients 130201-A-WO769-001.jpg|thumb|Some of us are fortunate to spend time with the few who have served and bear the scars to prove it. Yes, visiting badly wounded troops makes you self-conscious, uncomfortable, frustrated, angry, and guilty. But it also generates pride that our society can produce such magnificent young people. They have an unquenchable optimism, a certainty that they will overcome the rotten luck and physical constraints, and a conviction that they will prevail.]] [[File:Flickr - The U.S. Army - Swearing in at the Statue of Liberty.jpg|thumb|With the same dedication they displayed in volunteering to be our proxies, and in taking care of each other on the battlefield, these splendid citizens take pride in working hard every single day to accomplish simple things that the majority of us take for granted. The United States of America would be a much better place if we would emulate them.]] [[File:Army - Medal of Honor (16700822907).jpg|thumb|Recipients of the Medal of Honor really have little in common. They have been from every state, economic station, and ethnic group. But they have shared a strong sense of duty and of purpose and the motivating burden of personal responsibility at the perilous moment of decision. They feared death, but their biggest fear was failing themselves, their friends, and their nation, and thus they have been no different from the tens of millions of the other men and women who have served in uniform.]] [[File:Vietnam Veterans Memorial reflection in low light.jpg|thumb|I remember [[George Aiken]], this senator from [[Vermont]], got up in the Senate- and this was long before we made that huge commitment of forces in Vietnam, still relatively early in the conflict- and Aiken was a Republican who was pretty much to the right, he said, 'I've got a great idea: Why don't we just say we won, and go home?'<br>And of course, ten years later, that's exactly what we did. Fifty-eight thousand lives later.]] [[File:John W. Finn with Alice Finn.jpg|thumb|Not long ago, I asked [[John William Finn|John]] what he was doing at the precise moment when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. "Truth be told, my boy," John said, "I was in bed with a good-looking gal." I asked if he ever saw her again. "See her again?" said John. "She was my wife for sixty years!" Then he slapped his knee and bellowed with laughter.]] === ''Beyond Glory'' (2003) interview === :<small>Note: Edited interview transcript featured in ''Beyond Glory: Medal of Honor Heroes in their Own Words'' (2003) by Larry Smith, New York: W.W. Norton & Company, hardcover, pages 234-252.</small> * '''If you have to defend liberty, you've got to defend liberty. It's as simple as that. But I found the actual combat a horrible, horrible thing, to be acutely avoided. Whatever you can do, it's best to avoid it... I was scared all the time I was in Vietnam. I didn't enjoy it for a second.''' ** p. 234 * The South Vietnamese were never highly thought of but one thing in retrospect that is of interest to me is the perception now that a lot of soldiers are only as good or as bad as their leadership, and they were taught a lot of bad lessons. For example, go out, contact the enemy, drop a lot of bombs on them, and then go in there. But that doesn't work in that environment. What you're supposed to do tactically is use all your indirect fire, bring it all to bear and move while all this fire is going in there. But we didn't do that. We tried to bomb the shit out of them, and then move on. ** p. 236-237 * Young people don't have enough peripheral vision, they can't see very far into the future. Toward the end of my college career, the war was starting to heat up and a lot of people were against it already, but I figured they probably didn't know what they were talking about. There were no big protests at Rutgers, but the tenor of the intellectual discourse was decidedly against American participation in the war. Later on, I had a fairly grown-up view of what the war was really like and that the chances of getting your head blown off as an adviser were just as good as anywhere else: It's all a matter of luck, most times, anyway, all things being equal. So it's irrelevant whether you're standing in a bar that gets mortared or lying in the middle of a rice paddy getting shot at. ** p. 237 * '''I remember [[George Aiken]], this senator from [[Vermont]], got up in the Senate- and this was long before we made that huge commitment of forces in Vietnam, still relatively early in the conflict- and Aiken was a Republican who was pretty much to the right, he said, 'I've got a great idea: Why don't we just say we won, and go home?'<br>And of course, ten years later, that's exactly what we did. Fifty-eight thousand lives later.''' And now we know from the tapes that came out from Johnson, he said, 'This sucks. This is a big mistake. I'm going to live to regret this. I know we're doing the wrong thing, but what can you do?' He was very badly advised. He had rotten advice from his civilian assistants, and even worse advice from the military. [[Robert McNamara|McNamara]] was probably the wrong guy in that job, and [[William Westmoreland|Westmoreland]] was a complete numbskull. I mean, he's a great guy and I'm sure he's a patriot, but one should never confuse respect for people's motives with respect for their intellectual acuity, and he had lots of the former and none of the latter, none whatsoever. He was absolutely the wrong guy for the job.<br>And it may very well be that you couldn't have picked the right guy for that job. There may not have been a right guy for that job. ** p. 237-238 * You don't think you're going to get shot. And, as a matter of fact, even when you get shot, you think it's a big mistake. Your first reaction- it's a bit like getting cancer or something, there's all this denial, you say, well, this is not really happening. This actually is not supposed to happen to me. It's supposed to happen to that guy over there. Then, of course, you realize that it is happening to you and it isn't a movie and you're not watching somebody else. If you had a high degree of confidence you were going to get killed, nobody would ever go to defend this country. I think one of the things that motivates you to do so is not only your inherent patriotism and your desire to do the right thing, but also at least the hope that it ain't going to happen to you. Otherwise, you just wouldn't do it. Only a maniac would do it, and most people aren't maniacs. So I think you start with a high degree of confidence that it's not going to happen to you. There was another old saw back then that said: 'If you go into the Army, you're either going to go to Vietnam or not; if you're not going to get sent to Vietnam, you don't have to worry; if you go to Vietnam, you're either going to get wounded, or not; if you're not going to get wounded, there's nothing to worry about; if you are wounded, you're either going to die, or you're not going to die. Well, if you are not going to die, you have nothing to worry about; and if you are going to die, you can't worry... so don't worry.' ** p. 238-239 * Sure the Vietnamese were reluctant, they didn't want to fight. They were true believers, but they were reluctant participants. The kids were all conscripts, and they were going to get their brains blown out. They weren't interested in fighting. And this is to say nothing of all the strategic errors we had made when [[Ho Chí Minh|Ho Chi Minh]] asked for help. I mean we advised them during [[World War II]] and they asked us to help them throw the French out and, because we were afraid of pissing off [[Charles de Gaulle|de Gaulle]]- who, by the way, needed a great deal of pissing off, if you want my opinion- we decided we weren't going to do anything about it. We would have solved a lot of problems if we'd just told de Gaulle to get the hell out, if we'd helped Ho Chi Minh and got rid of those guys and been done with it.<br>But we couldn't distinguish between Ho being a Nationalist on the one hand and his being a communist on the other, any more than today we can distinguish between [[Osama bin Laden]]'s beig a Muslim on the one hand, which by the way is completely trivial, and a revolutionary on the other, which is really what he is. Ho Chi Minh really was a Nationalist, a revolutionary. So they say Osama bin Laden is a fascist. ** p. 242-243 * It happens, stuff like that happens, and you do what you have to do and you don't think about it. People who do these sorts of things are not tactical geniuses. You follow your heart, you follow your training, and you do what you can do, and often guys don't make it. And there are lots of guys who did similar things and never got cited. There's lots of actions that have taken place where guys have done extraordinary things, where ordinary people have done extraordinary things that never got to the level of being published.<br>'''That's the way combat is. That's ordinary people doing extraordinary things. There are lots of instances in which people have done really quite extraordinary things, and I don't know if they got anything or not.''' ** p. 249 * It has made me more aware of a number of things. First of all, how important each person's contribution is to society and his fellow man. It's something you know about, but you don't think about it. I mean, I certainly didn't think about it until after this action, and now it's something I think about all the time. Also, there is the perception that I am representative of other people. I'm also representative of an ideal, and it's very important that I continue to be true to that ideal. I have to assume everybody is looking at me, even though they're not. I have to be true to myself and true to what I think are ideal principles. ** p. 252 * It's sort of like the guy said, Justice [[Potter Stewart]], when presented with the opportunity to rule on whether something was obscene or not, he said, I don't have to tell you what it is; I'll know it when I see it. And I think it's a lot like that in combat. If you were to ask somebody before he went in, 'Are you going to be able to acquit yourself honorably?' he'll say, 'Yes'- without knowing what that circumstance will be. ** p. 252 === ''If Not Now, When?'' (2008) === :<small>Note: ''If Not Now, When? Duty and Sacrifice in America's Time of Need''. Co-written with Douglas Century. New York, Berkley Caliber, hardcover.</small> * When you have nearly completed the ROTC program and are approaching graduation and commissioning, you request a specific branch assignment. There are many occupational specialties whose smooth integration into the whole of the Army produces the well-oiled military machine we know well. Soldiers and contractors have to get paid, so there is a Finance Corps. The Army is a large bureaucracy, and there is plenty of paperwork to do, and so some officers join the Adjutant General's Corps. The Army can't fight without supplies, and so the Quartermaster Corps is critical to combat success. Indeed, among many of my brethren in ROTC, the large majority of them selected noncombat branches, almost certainly because for some of them these administrative specialties afforded far less chance of becoming a casualty. Let's face it: some people talk a convincing game, but they shrink at the point of decision, when, in the harsh glare of sunlight, the consequences of their selected course of action appear overloaded with personal danger. This does not make them bad people, but it is instructive of the axiom that you should believe half of what you read and none of what you hear. ** p. 53-54 * When I was decorated in 1969, there were 450 living recipients of the Medal of Honor. Today, there are only about one hundred, and the average age is near eighty. Statistically, in five years there will only be fifty or sixty still alive, and in less than fifteen years there will be none of us left. There has not been a living Medal of Honor recipient from any conflict since the war in Vietnam. ** p. 271 * Perhaps now resigned to the verity that time waits for no one, recipients get together as often as possible, but forty years ago, when men now long gone were still young and were going to live forever, we gathered only every other year. At the first Medal of Honor Society dinner I attended, my tablemates included Charles "Commando" Kelly, the first recipient in Europe in World War II; the flamboyant Marine aviator Pappy Boyington; and the World War I ace [[Eddie Rickenbacker]], who sat to my immediate right. I was twenty-six and passing dinner rolls to a man who had piloted a biplane in dogfights against the Kaiser's "Flying Circus," before my father was born. And it is even more astonishing that also in attendance was Bill Seach, who was born in England in 1877 and had received the Medal of Honor for, among other exploits, leading a bayonet charge during the Boxer Rebellion in China in ''1900''. These men, proud representatives of both their nation and the valor of their fallen comrades, are all gone now. ** p. 271-272 * Today, the oldest living recipient of the Medal of Honor is [[John William Finn|John Finn]], who was decorated for action on Pearl Harbor Day. Born in 1909, John joined the Navy in 1926, and, loquacious as we all tend to be when we findally grasp that we have too many stories and not enough time, he will transfix anyone who cares to listen with tales of what it was like to grow up before the First World War and to ply the Yangtze River as a young sailor aboard an American gunboat.<br>In 1941, he was stationed in Kaneohe Bay, with a squadron of Navy patrol planes. Rudely rousted from bed by the cacaphony of the Japanese bombs destroying the fleet anchored at Pearl Harbor, John raced from his quarters, sped to the hangars that housed his aircraft, and manned a .50-caliber machine gun mounted on an exposed section of a parking ramp. For the next two hours, Finn, in the open and suffering from more than twenty shrapnel wounds in his back and stomach, blasted at the attacking enemy planes, hitting many of them and not relinquishing his post until the attack was over. Even when we were young, those of us who were raised on stirring John Wayne war movies assumed there was more than a little hyperbole and cinematic license in them. But for forty years I have known a man whose real-life exploits render the movies limp, pallid, and ineffectual in contrast. '''Art can often approximate life, but it has a hard time doing it justice.''' ** p. 272 * '''Not long ago, I asked John what he was doing at the precise moment when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor. "Truth be told, my boy," John said, "I was in bed with a good-looking gal." I asked if he ever saw her again. "See her again?" said John. "She was my wife for sixty years!" Then he slapped his knee and bellowed with laughter.''' ** p. 272 * '''Recipients of the Medal of Honor really have little in common. They have been from every state, economic station, and ethnic group. But they have shared a strong sense of duty and of purpose and the motivating burden of personal responsibility at the perilous moment of decision. They feared death, but their biggest fear was failing themselves, their friends, and their nation, and thus they have been no different from the tens of millions of the other men and women who have served in uniform.'''<br>When the Japanese attacked on December 7, 1941, most Americans did not know where Hawaii was, let alone Pearl Harbor. And yet on the very next day, thousands of Americans rallied to the nation by offering their services in its defense. During World War II, almost every household made some contribution to the effort, and nearly half a million Americans sacrificed their lives so that hundreds of millions of others could live. ** p. 273 * Today, a small number of brave and dedicated young Americans have answered the call, and whatever else one can argue about the merits of recent uses of military power, it is impossible not to revere the patriotism of these volunteers. More Americans were killed in New York on September 11, 2001, than were lost on December 7, 1941, and yet the response was a small fraction of that after Pearl Harbor. What is interesting, and more than a little distressing, is that the number of people wearing the uniform is only a bit more than 1.5 million on active duty, and that this represents only one-half of one percent of Americans.<br>One may reasonably inquire why, if the war in Iraq is so unpopular, there aren't riots in the streets as there were during the war in Vietnam. One answer is that our service members are all volunteers, and no one else has to serve. This country has been going about its business almost as if nothing catastrophic has occurred, while the sacrifice has come from only a few citizens. Those of us who don't serve have thus outsourced our defense to those who do. One could argue persuasively that if all citizens had a stake in the protection of our freedom, the arbitrary use of the military instrument of power, as a ''first'' resort, would be very difficult to engineer. ** p. 273-274 * If you have been getting something for nothing for a long time, it's tough to convince you to pay for it. But pay Americans must. In the years since the end of World War II, we have experimented with a number of schemes for producing the force we have needed, but none has been based on the notion of shared sacrifice. It is arguable whether the current volunteer system or one in which we relied on a draft is worse, but suffice it to say that they are both bad. We don't need ''selective'' service. We need ''universal'' service. But there is great political danger in merely suggesting that all Americans contribute in a meaningful way to our collective defense, and so no politician who wants to keep his job will do it. Consequently none does, and we are the poorer for it.<br>A society coheres only when it shares beliefs and experiences, and humans rarely value things that are acquired at no cost. With a miniscule percentage of people making a contribution to our defense, we will not be successful in protecting a country of more than three hundred million people, worldwide obligations, and threats from a variety of malefactors who want to see us destroyed. ** p. 274 * '''Some of us are fortunate to spend time with the few who have served and bear the scars to prove it. Yes, visiting badly wounded troops makes you self-conscious, uncomfortable, frustrated, angry, and guilty. But it also generates pride that our society can produce such magnificent young people. They have an unquenchable optimism, a certainty that they will overcome the rotten luck and physical constraints, and a conviction that they will prevail. With the same dedication they displayed in volunteering to be our proxies, and in taking care of each other on the battlefield, these splendid citizens take pride in working hard every single day to accomplish simple things that the majority of us take for granted. The United States of America would be a much better place if we would emulate them.''' ** p. 274-275 == Quotes about Jacobs == * For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity in action at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty. Capt. Jacobs (then 1st Lt.), Infantry, distinguished himself while serving as assistant battalion adviser, 2d Battalion, 16th Infantry, 9th Infantry Division, Army of the Republic of Vietnam. The 2d Battalion was advancing to contact when it came under intense heavy machine-gun and mortar fire from a Viet Cong battalion positioned in well-fortified bunkers. As the 2d Battalion deployed into attack formation, its advance was halted by devastating fire. Capt. Jacobs, with the command element of the lead company, called for and directed air strikes on the enemy positions to facilitate a renewed attack. Due to the intensity of the enemy fire and heavy casualties to the command group, including the company commander, the attack stopped and the friendly troops became disorganized. Although wounded by mortar fragments, Capt. Jacobs assumed command of the allied company, ordered a withdrawal from the exposed position, and established a defensive perimeter. Despite profuse bleeding from head wounds which impaired his vision, Capt. Jacobs, with complete disregard for his safety, returned under intense fire to evacuate a seriously wounded adviser to the safety of a wooded area where he administered lifesaving first aid. He then returned through heavy automatic-weapons fire to evacuate the wounded company commander. Capt. Jacobs made repeated trips across the fire-swept, open rice paddies, evacuating wounded and their weapons. On three separate occasions, Capt. Jacobs contacted and drove off Viet Cong squads who were searching for allied wounded and weapons, single-handedly killing three and wounding several others. His gallant actions and extraordinary heroism saved the lives of one U.S. adviser and 13 allied soldiers. Through his effort the allied company was restored to an effective fighting unit and prevented defeat of the friendly forces by a strong and determined enemy. Capt. Jacobs, by his gallantry and bravery in action in the highest traditions of the military service, has reflected great credit upon himself, his unit, and the U.S. Army. ** Citation for the Medal of Honor awarded to Jacobs, presented on 9 October 1969 by President Richard Nixon at the White House, Washington, D.C.[https://www.cmohs.org/recipients/jack-h-jacobs] * Jack Jacobs is a living reminder that dynamite comes in small packages. From his days as a Medal of Honor recipient in Vietnam to his success on Wall Street to his outspoken commentary on MSNBC and his wise counsel to West Point graduates, Jack is the complete citizen. ** [[Tom Brokaw]], as quoted on the back dust jacket of ''If Not Now, When?'' (2008) by Jack H. Jacobs, New York, Berkley Caliber, hardcover * Jack Jacobs earned the Congressional Medal of Honor forty years ago, and he's earned it every day since. ** Nelson DeMille, as quoted on the back dust jacket of ''If Not Now, When?'' (2008) by Jack H. Jacobs, New York, Berkley Caliber, hardcover == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Jacobs, Jack H.}} [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:United States Army people]] [[Category:Medal of Honor recipients]] [[Category:Silver Star Medal recipients]] [[Category:Republic of Vietnam Gallantry Cross recipients]] [[Category:1945 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from New York (state)]] jf6fmlwsohov67clce8605y6u2wkjl1 4 287851 3944507 3943976 2026-05-23T15:10:18Z MABot 3002050 Bot: Archiving 1 thread from [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]] 3944507 wikitext text/x-wiki == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/137.28.231.244|137.28.231.244]] == * {{vandal|137.28.231.244}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Trinitrotolueno|Trinitrotolueno]] ([[User talk:Trinitrotolueno|talk]]) 21:42, 13 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism. Repeating cross-wiki abuse and quote-less page creation after the last block. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:46, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} 2 week rangeblock —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:21, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Smile-to-talk|Smile-to-talk]] == * {{vandal|Smile-to-talk}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:30, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} warned. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:22, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Signfix|Signfix]] == * {{vandal|Signfix}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:41, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:22, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sharda24|Sharda24]] == * {{vandal|Sharda24}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:06, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:23, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/CheaperByTheDozen|CheaperByTheDozen]] == * {{vandal|CheaperByTheDozen}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and offending pages deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.136.146.116|97.136.146.116]] == * {{vandal|97.136.146.116}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:53, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} (by another user). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:21, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == New concerning 2001:8003:DCA9:E700:0:0:0:0 == * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:DCA9:E700:0:0:0:0/64}} * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/64}} https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&page=User%3A2001%3A8003%3ADCA9%3AE700%3A0%3A0%3A0%3A0%2F64 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&page=User%3A2001%3A8003%3A3C4B%3AB600%3A0%3A0%3A0%3A0%2F64 Please semi protect the article [[Chess]] against IP editing. There is repeated vandalism from IPs since the year 2021, see the article history. {{ping|Antandrus}} --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 15:01, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:28, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lifecircle08|Lifecircle08]] == * {{vandal|Lifecircle08}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:47, 18 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:27, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Mydailytechnew2|Mydailytechnew2]] == * {{vandal|Mydailytechnew2}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:33, 18 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:28, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shivam Seat Cover|Shivam Seat Cover]] == * {{vandal|Shivam Seat Cover}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:18, 20 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 20 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shinhasarder2343|Shinhasarder2343]] == * {{vandal|Shinhasarder2343}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 20 March 2025 (UTC) : The user removed SD tag from [[MD. Shinha Sarder]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:01, 20 March 2025 (UTC) ::While I have deleted the page (since it had no quotes), I don't know that I would say that there was vandalism here - more a lack of understanding of the project. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:14, 20 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Beun1223|Beun1223]] == * {{vandal|Beun1223}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 21:29, 20 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by {{User|Lemonaka}}. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:43, 21 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Debitstatting|Debitstatting]] == * {{vandal|Debitstatting}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 21 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/76.35.98.14|76.35.98.14]] == * {{vandal|76.35.98.14}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:43, 21 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/12any|12any]] == * {{vandal|12any}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:39, 23 March 2025 (UTC) : The user is repeating SD tag removal at [[ProfCanny]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:48, 23 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reporting at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Servicesell1234|Servicesell1234]] == * {{vandal|Servicesell1234}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:42, 26 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:07, 26 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Spherulengo|Spherulengo]] == * {{vandal|Spherulengo}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 26 March 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:08, 26 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D]] == * {{vandal|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:59, 27 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} one week, did cleanup of test pages with no quotes. There seems to be some coordination with a different IP, also blocked {{vandal|76.35.98.14}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:23, 28 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D|2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D]] == * {{vandal|2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D}} Vandalism. Check deleted contrib, created multiple pages that out of project scope. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Aqurs1|Aqurs1]] ([[User talk:Aqurs1|talk]]) 14:09, 28 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420]] == * {{vandal|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:07, 28 March 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} I blocked the /64 causing problems from a range of IP addresses. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:33, 29 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Historybell05|Historybell05]] == * {{vandal|Historybell05}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:48, 29 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} and yeeted the spam page as well. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:29, 29 March 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-03-31, 01:13 == * {{IPvandal|104.14.129.233}} The same person who vandalized [[Beast Wars: Transformers]] is doing it again. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 01:15, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/188.93.112.241|188.93.112.241]] == * {{vandal|188.93.112.241}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:34, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Asjakqiku|Asjakqiku]] == * {{vandal|Asjakqiku}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:34, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/202bh|202bh]] == * {{vandal|202bh}} Block evasion of [[Special:Contributions/Biuc12]]. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:34, 2 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} indef block. Same sock account making Alexander Lukison edits at en-wiki. I undid those edits but I am not an admin there. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:06, 2 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rabbitoy|Rabbitoy]] == * {{vandal|Rabbitoy}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:14, 2 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:07, 2 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ijmremodeling4|Ijmremodeling4]] == * {{vandal|Ijmremodeling4}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:38, 3 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} block and cleanup done by GMG. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:41, 6 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8|2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8]] == * {{vandal|2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 6 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:42, 6 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Khusha digital|Khusha digital]] == * {{vandal|Khusha digital}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:36, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} Globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:18, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.205.237.149|75.205.237.149]] == * {{vandal|75.205.237.149}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:48, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} I also recently blocked a different IP from California for adding the same "balls" quote to my talk page. Mysterious how some people choose to find fun. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:17, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0|2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0]] == * {{vandal|2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:BlackShadoww|BlackShadoww]] ([[User talk:BlackShadoww|talk]]) 22:18, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked 1 week for vandalism. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 22:37, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 9 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} I blocked the IP and deleted the pages. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:49, 9 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Would build|Would build]] == * {{vandal|Would build}} LTA, [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:46, 10 April 2025 (UTC) :Indeed I created the pages because they have citations on [[Google]] Please [[search]] for each [[Names|name]] that I created a page for You will find that what I said is correct and [[identical]] As for Alaa I have no background or [[knowledge]] of him This is the first time I have heard of him What are all the names mentioned? I only have one name. [[User:Would build|Would build]] ([[User talk:Would build|talk]]) 10:00, 11 April 2025 (UTC) ::Blocked, clearly the same evasive tactics used by previous LTA accounts promoting Mohamed AlAgha. And the rest of the articles created probably require cleanup as well. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:29, 11 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shernukh Despicable|Shernukh Despicable]] == * {{vandal|Shernukh Despicable}} LTA, [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:46, 10 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} clearly same LTA [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:30, 11 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Engineer Zak|Engineer Zak]] == * {{vandal|Engineer Zak}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 12 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} 18:18, 13 April 2025 (UTC) [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:18, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2|SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2]] == * {{vandal|SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:USSR-Slav|USSR-Slav]] ([[User talk:USSR-Slav|talk]]) 08:08, 13 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:15, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Imagepro2|Imagepro2]] == * {{vandal|Imagepro2}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 13 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:15, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-04-18, 13:49 == * {{IPvandal|76.122.3.178}} Repeated vandalism. [[User:Svartava|Svartava]] ([[User talk:Svartava|talk]]) 13:50, 18 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:49, 18 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381|2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381]] == * {{vandal|2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:27, 14 April 2025 (UTC) :Globally blocked tho not by me [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:11, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TarzanBoyFan|TarzanBoyFan]] == * {{vandal|TarzanBoyFan}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 14 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, also globally blocked. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:10, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jankhan1114|Jankhan1114]] == * {{vandal|Jankhan1114}} Adding spam links <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 02:35, 16 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:09, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Corteiz0102|Corteiz0102]] == * {{vandal|Corteiz0102}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:36, 17 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:08, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Crystalwebster|Crystalwebster]] == * {{vandal|Crystalwebster}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 18 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:12, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Intellectualpropertyorg|Intellectualpropertyorg]] == * {{vandal|Intellectualpropertyorg}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:06, 19 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:06, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Reversi the great|Reversi the great]] == * {{vandal|Reversi the great}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 22:09, 19 April 2025 (UTC) : Handled globally. <span style="display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;">~~<nowiki/>~~<br/><span style="font-size:0.7em;">[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])</span></span> 22:14, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Myriamphoto|Myriamphoto]] == * {{vandal|Myriamphoto}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 20 April 2025 (UTC) :???? [[User:Myriamphoto|Myriamphoto]] ([[User talk:Myriamphoto|talk]]) 12:04, 20 April 2025 (UTC) ::{{done}} warned. Please do not post spam here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:17, 20 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/222.127.93.32|222.127.93.32]] == * {{vandal|222.127.93.32}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 20 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:17, 20 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/192.36.155.238|192.36.155.238]] == * {{vandal|192.36.155.238}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:23, 21 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else deleting the contribs. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:47, 21 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Arbitrary Reversi Star|Arbitrary Reversi Star]] == * {{vandal|Arbitrary Reversi Star}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:02, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:06, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lucku89202|Lucku89202]] == * {{vandal|Lucku89202}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:49, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Farshidn28|Farshidn28]] == * {{vandal|Farshidn28}} Spamming <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Hide on Rosé|Hide on Rosé]] ([[User talk:Hide on Rosé|talk]]) 09:14, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:14, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2|2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2]] == * {{vandal|2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 15:07, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:49, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Supportsofttech|Supportsofttech]] == * {{vandal|Supportsofttech}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 23 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/41.114.96.59|41.114.96.59]] == * {{vandal|41.114.96.59}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:59, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:08, 25 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ElseworthJohn|ElseworthJohn]] == * {{vandal|ElseworthJohn}} Possible link spam, please see [https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=uklaw.co.uk] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:47, 25 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked for making clearly inappropriate external link, inserted as first and only edit. NOTHERE. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:08, 25 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C|2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, all deleted. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:08, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/R3F6O7|R3F6O7]] == * {{vandal|R3F6O7}} Vandalism. Lazy to tag every page for speedy deletion, please nuke them thanks. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Aqurs1|Aqurs1]] ([[User talk:Aqurs1|talk]]) 09:25, 28 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} pages deleted and user blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:34, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64]] == * {{vandal|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:FlyingAce|FlyingAce]] ([[User talk:FlyingAce|talk]]) 10:24, 28 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} reverted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:35, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8]] == * {{vandal|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Langusto|Langusto]] ([[User talk:Langusto|talk]]) 10:43, 28 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} - repeat of above notice. Reverted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:36, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD|2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD]] == * {{vandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:00, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:07, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:07, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:48, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Cblmhospitalfh|Cblmhospitalfh]] == * {{vandal|Cblmhospitalfh}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:17, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:40, 5 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TheDigitalFlix|TheDigitalFlix]] == * {{vandal|TheDigitalFlix}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:10, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:40, 5 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-5, 21:54 == * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:FF00:2770:1934:788B:F4F2:3515}} * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:FF00:2770:3093:B811:1F8:7D7B}} Vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 21:56, 5 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} I blocked the 64, since this seems to be the same vandal using a variable IP. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:26, 6 May 2025 (UTC) https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:2770:1934:788B:F4F2:3515 https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:2770:3093:B811:1F8:7D7B == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adebayo Olamilekanl|Adebayo Olamilekanl]] == * {{vandal|Adebayo Olamilekanl}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:50, 5 May 2025 (UTC) :The only spam (userpage) was already deleted. I left message on talk page explaining the problem and no further edits have been made. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:46, 6 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/CommonsBuilder|CommonsBuilder]] == * {{vandal|CommonsBuilder}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:41, 6 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:28, 7 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Paintingdrive|Paintingdrive]] == * {{vandal|Paintingdrive}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 7 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:27, 7 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/OceanAteAlaska|OceanAteAlaska]] == * {{vandal|OceanAteAlaska}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:16, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :Globally Blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:35, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Bhushan1999|Bhushan1999]] == * {{vandal|Bhushan1999}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:49, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:50, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Cashappzone|Cashappzone]] == * {{vandal|Cashappzone}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:19, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ramodstyree|Ramodstyree]] == * {{vandal|Ramodstyree}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:53, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:04, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D|2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D]] == * {{vandal|2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 09:54, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:35, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C|2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C]] == * {{vandal|2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Langusto|Langusto]] ([[User talk:Langusto|talk]]) 18:52, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:23, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/JohnJoan&Johnny|JohnJoan&Johnny]] == * {{vandal|JohnJoan&Johnny}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 20:42, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:23, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sydneyuk|Sydneyuk]] == * {{vandal|2400:ADC5:169:0:0:0:0:0/48}} also * {{vandal|Sydneyuk}} This looks like someone spamming Akhtar Aly Kureshy by several IPs and by the account Sydneyuk This account is blocked https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Sydneyuk Akhtar Aly Kureshy was deleted here multiple times: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Akhtar_Aly_Kureshy&action=edit&redlink=1 Might need cleanup <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 22:01, 11 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sellsinusa8|Sellsinusa8]] == * {{vandal|Sellsinusa8}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:04, 11 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:05, 11 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:13, 11 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:16, 12 May 2025 (UTC) ::This is the fourth time I blocked this IP. Earlier blocks were for spam but this one is straight vandalism. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:47, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jhonsmith45|Jhonsmith45]] == * {{vandal|Jhonsmith45}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:15, 12 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:45, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.146.215.29|75.146.215.29]] == * {{vandal|75.146.215.29}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:41, 12 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:44, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shelbertaim|Shelbertaim]] == * {{vandal|Shelbertaim}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:44, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and content deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:00, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/48]] == * White supremacist, antisemite, long-term problem; probable ban evasion ([[User:TVEBOR]]) - adding swastikas, racist propaganda, replacing pictures of Black people with white, removing quotes by Jews, etc. etc. A lot of his vandalism and POV-pushing is sneaky and obfuscated (often you need to scroll down in a diff.) This /48 probably best captures his current IPv6 range. Will make a noticeboard post if necessary. Tonight's IP is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:FDB3:2B29:9325:256]. Thank you - [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:23, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:39, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/James dayeeb|James dayeeb]] == * {{vandal|James dayeeb}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:19, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:35, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Xover's Son|Xover's Son]] == * {{vandal|Xover's Son}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:03, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:38, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Nicalismedicine|Nicalismedicine]] == * {{vandal|Nicalismedicine}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:28, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:38, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Webpivots|Webpivots]] == * {{vandal|Webpivots}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:00, 14 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:12, 14 May 2025 (UTC) ::Reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:15, 14 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Wazih Perfume & Fragness|Wazih Perfume & Fragness]] == * {{vandal|Wazih Perfume & Fragness}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:37, 15 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:44, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/46.188.164.176|46.188.164.176]] == * {{vandal|46.188.164.176}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 17:35, 15 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:45, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aidentaylors|Aidentaylors]] == * {{vandal|Aidentaylors}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:15, 16 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:23, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Maraadamb3|Maraadamb3]] == * {{vandal|Maraadamb3}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:30, 16 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:37, 16 May 2025 (UTC) ::Reported at [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:38, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Loftyus|Loftyus]] == * {{vandal|Loftyus}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:24, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:52, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Besturdu|Besturdu]] == * {{vandal|Besturdu}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:33, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0|2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0]] == * {{vandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:30, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/29912 Hello|29912 Hello]] == * {{vandal|29912 Hello}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Gsfdswghhgf29912|Gsfdswghhgf29912]] == * {{vandal|Gsfdswghhgf29912}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:13, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/175.107.216.70|175.107.216.70]] == * {{vandal|175.107.216.70}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:34, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0|321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0]] == * {{vandal|321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:04, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:26, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Albertt711|Albertt711]] == * {{vandal|Albertt711}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:07, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:22, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-20, 17:17 == * {{Vandal|Rgato1536}} Only creation of nonsense pages [[User:Samuele2002|Samuele2002]] ([[User talk:Samuele2002|talk]]) 17:18, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:20, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tomburke612|Tomburke612]] == * {{vandal|Tomburke612}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:42, 22 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:35, 24 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning block-evading white supremacist/antisemite == * Multiple IPs, one static, and others highly dynamic: :(The original, currently blocked, was https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/48) :{{Vandal|2001:8004:52E0:44E5:5C70:DA73:B43C:117E}} (current as of this report) :{{Vandal|203.54.155.190}} (static) :{{Vandal|2001:8004:6BA0:F08F:C9B6:1A4:F8D9:F9E7}} :{{Vandal|2001:8004:52E1:6E1F:78B5:F277:5954:3616}} Comment - This person is persistent and returns with a differnet IPv6 every time. His POV-pushing is often sneaky and obfuscated; he adds swastikas, anti-vax propaganda, outright racist garbage on pages where it doesn't belong, etc. Often you have to scroll down in a diff, and go to the source of an image, to see what he is doing. I will make a noticeboard post if necessary. This has been going on at least since 2019. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 01:06, 23 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/96.35.74.197|96.35.74.197]] == * {{vandal|96.35.74.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TamHamGhor|TamHamGhor]] == * {{vandal|TamHamGhor}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-24, 21:37 == * {{IPvandal|75.127.152.34}} * {{IPvandal|68.193.160.90}} These Fourlaxers sockpuppets consistently remove content from [[Shining Time Station]] without explanation. They were given warnings, but they refuse to comply. They must be blocked indefinitely, and it is recommended the page be protected indefinitely. It is the only way they are going to stop. [[Special:Contributions/100.8.243.246|100.8.243.246]] 22:33, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by protecting, no blocks. Anyone else can block if deemed fit. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:03, 25 May 2025 (UTC) ::That will do, but if the sockpuppet(s) persist after the protection expires, or if a sockpuppet account should happen to make those same edits, they must be indefinitely blocked on sight. [[Special:Contributions/100.8.243.246|100.8.243.246]] 02:00, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B|2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B]] == * {{vandal|2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:21, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:04, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ChunzwBot|ChunzwBot]] == * {{vandal|ChunzwBot}} Vandalism. Also violates [[WQ:Username policy]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --<span style="color:#dbf;font:bold 100% 'Brush Script MT',cursive;padding:0 .75em 0 .5em">— [[User:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#c8f">Naomi</span>]] [[User talk:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#93f">Amethyst</span>]]</span> 06:36, 25 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:00, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.211.78.197|97.211.78.197]] == * {{vandal|97.211.78.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:27, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — short term block in place. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC|2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC]] == * {{vandal|2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:JJPMaster|JJP...MASTER!]]_{[[User:JJPMaster|[talk to] JJP... master?]]} 03:56, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — short term block in place. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ChanzwBot|ChanzwBot]] == * {{vandal|ChanzwBot}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:30, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Spyranretail70|Spyranretail70]] == * {{vandal|Spyranretail70}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:32, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/124.217.188.201|124.217.188.201]] == * {{vandal|124.217.188.201}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:JJPMaster|JJP...MASTER!]]_{[[User:JJPMaster|[talk to] JJP... master?]]} 13:05, 28 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked 1 week [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:04, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.210.87.237|97.210.87.237]] == * {{vandal|97.210.87.237}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 29 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:05, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Theindiamovesjpr|Theindiamovesjpr]] == * {{vandal|Theindiamovesjpr}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:50, 29 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:06, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Gashi Gani1944|Gashi Gani1944]] == * {{vandal|Gashi Gani1944}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:18, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:10, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Donald Trump is the worst president|Donald Trump is the worst president]] == * {{vandal|Donald Trump is the worst president}} LTA Zjholder <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 22:16, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:11, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024|Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024]] == * {{vandal|Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024}} LTA Zjholder <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 22:24, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:12, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25|2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25]] == * {{vandal|2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --<span style="color:#dbf;font:bold 100% 'Brush Script MT',cursive;padding:0 .75em 0 .5em">— [[User:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#c8f">Naomi</span>]] [[User talk:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#93f">Amethyst</span>]]</span> 04:17, 1 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:06, 1 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/64.31.104.150|64.31.104.150]] == * {{vandal|64.31.104.150}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 20:05, 1 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:43, 2 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Astrologersneha|Astrologersneha]] == * {{vandal|Astrologersneha}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:48, 2 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:50, 2 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/MIarch11|MIarch11]] == * {{Vandal|MIarch11}} Clearly only here to vandalize and not to build. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:31, 2 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:02, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/SiddhnathPune|SiddhnathPune]] == * {{vandal|SiddhnathPune}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:28, 3 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:06, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Luccy Wilson|Luccy Wilson]] == * {{vandal|Luccy Wilson}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:36, 3 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:07, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/71.195.107.170|71.195.107.170]] == * {{vandal|71.195.107.170}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:35, 4 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:26, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F|2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F]] == * {{vandal|2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 4 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:26, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Kojo seven|Kojo seven]] == * {{vandal|Kojo seven}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:48, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, I hope a warning is enough. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:27, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Samdiago1234|Samdiago1234]] == * {{vandal|Samdiago1234}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:30, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:04, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ItzTheKnight16|ItzTheKnight16]] == * {{vandal|ItzTheKnight16}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]], removed CSD tag by IP. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:02, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:07, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A|2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A]] == * {{vandal|2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 16:15, 11 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:34, 11 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/गुंडा|गुंडा]] == * {{vandal|गुंडा}} Recreated [[Abdelnaser Abdelfatah]], please see [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/040#Return_of_Abdel_Nasser_Abdel_Fattah_Mohamed_(ANAFM)]]. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 11 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:28, 11 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and pages deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 11:54, 12 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/GMK7|GMK7]] == * {{vandal|GMK7}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:03, 14 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/96.35.74.197|96.35.74.197]] == * {{vandal|96.35.74.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:41, 14 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/50.226.140.190|50.226.140.190]] == * {{vandal|50.226.140.190}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:20, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/182.178.120.110|182.178.120.110]] == * {{vandal|182.178.120.110}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:22, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-15, 20:41 == * {{IPvandal|50.226.140.190}} Creating many bad pages. [[User:Zaxxon0|Zaxxon0]] ([[User talk:Zaxxon0|talk]]) 20:41, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/208.40.86.22|208.40.86.22]] == * {{vandal|208.40.86.22}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:52, 16 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India|GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India]] == * {{vandal|GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:14, 16 June 2025 (UTC) : already blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 12:20, 17 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarti5678|Aarti5678]] == * {{vandal|Aarti5678}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:14, 17 June 2025 (UTC) : Blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 12:20, 17 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Anchaldigital|Anchaldigital]] == * {{vandal|Anchaldigital}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 18 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported to [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:13, 18 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Opinnate|Opinnate]] == * {{vandal|Opinnate}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:29, 18 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:13, 18 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-19, 06:27 == * {{Vandal|Cuumora}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 06:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:35, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313|2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313]] == * {{vandal|2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/173.207.58.96|173.207.58.96]] == * {{vandal|173.207.58.96}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Dandeleon14|Dandeleon14]] == * {{vandal|Dandeleon14}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:25, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:29, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Nanhost049|Nanhost049]] == * {{vandal|Nanhost049}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:17, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/35.39.105.217|35.39.105.217]] == * {{vandal|35.39.105.217}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:19, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote|Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote]] == * {{vandal|Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote}} Vandalism. [[Special:Contributions/35.39.105.217]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:19, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-24, 22:24 == * {{IPvandal|173.207.58.96}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:16, 24 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:31, 24 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-26, 02:06 == * {{IPvandal|103.95.39.28}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:56, 26 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 04:04, 26 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-26, 11:11 == * {{Vandal|SEObacklink963622}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:59, 26 June 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:20, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-28, 23:22 == * {{Vandal|Jewelrugs1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:23, 28 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:22, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-28, 23:23 == * {{IPvandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:F583:37AF:5885:8129}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:24, 28 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:24, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 04:28 == * {{Vandal|GMK7}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:29, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reporting at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:26, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 05:38 == * {{Vandal|Cineyadsd}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:41, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:44, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 09:32 == * {{Vandal|Axcessrent}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:41, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked locally by {{user|UDScott}}, and blocked globally also. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 22:39 == * {{Vandal|CloudRafanan}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:51, 30 June 2025 (UTC) : Posted warning to talk page. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 22:52 == * {{IPvandal|2600:387:C:7210:0:0:0:2}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:54, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked IP for 2 weeks. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-1, 22:27 == * {{Vandal|Akande1234}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:51, 1 July 2025 (UTC) : Globally blocked by vermont. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:59, 3 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-2, 12:06 == * {{Vandal|Jannelk247}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:21, 2 July 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} indef blocked -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 04:00, 3 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-3, 00:06 == * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:92E:CD90:2DF5:D4C1}} It's the same vandal who once again vandalized [[The Father (2020 film)]], [[News of the World]], and [[Loonatics Unleashed]]. I don't want to risk edit warring. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 00:38, 3 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:42, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-5, 04:17 == * {{Vandal|Traveliciousbites}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:18, 5 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:46, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-5, 06:54 == * {{Vandal|Marian122298}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:25, 5 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:47, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-7, 12:08 == * {{Vandal|AAS Direct HQ}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 7 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} reporting to [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:47, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-8, 11:31 == * {{Vandal|Provent-compliance}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:54, 8 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:11, 8 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-9, 12:27 == * {{Vandal|Walidfalcon}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 9 July 2025 (UTC) : Blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 13:26, 9 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-12, 11:07 == * {{Vandal|Solamalaicollege}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:58, 12 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:44, 12 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-13, 21:01 == * {{IPvandal|71.195.107.170}} Vandalism [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 21:01, 13 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — IP blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:24, 13 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-13, 21:10 == * {{Vandal|OdysseusBoy}} Vandalism. [[User:Pólux|Pólux]] ([[User talk:Pólux|talk]]) 21:11, 13 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:24, 13 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-14, 07:12 == * {{Vandal|Digitalnik}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:13, 14 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 09:38, 14 July 2025 (UTC) ::Reported: https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Steward_requests%2FGlobal&diff=28981228&oldid=28981056 —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 09:39, 14 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-20, 03:20 == * {{Vandal|Medicusofhouston}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:31, 20 July 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 02:16, 21 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-26, 14:05 == * {{Vandal|NorthernWinds}} A short explanation for why this username should be blocked: new account that seems to be focused exclusively on Israel and Palestine (a lot of activisty on [[Zionism]] and the [[Palestine]] page). Is deleting many quotes other editors added, contacting some editors but not waiting for responses. It's been disruptive, not sure if it qualifies as vandalism or political activism or just someone who hasn't learned the process yet. [[User:A23423413|A23423413]] ([[User talk:A23423413|talk]]) 15:10, 26 July 2025 (UTC)A23423413, July 26, 2025 :Hello @[[User:A23423413|A23423413]], :I am sorry if that is how I came across, I did not mean any wrong. You said I "did not wait for a response". You are likely referring to when I pinged you [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Zionism#c-NorthernWinds-20250726121900-Notability here]. <s>I, in fact, did wait for a response, and did not remove your quote.</s> I have removed quotes which I cannot find secondary sources for, in compliance with [[WQ:FAME]]. If there are any issues with my editing, I believe it is best to contact me and [[WQ:AGF]] before reporting, <s>and misleading others ("not waiting for responses").</s> I do not have an agenda, and if there is a "process" I have yet to learn about, please raise it in my talk page and I'll be more than happy to learn and contribute more in line with guidelines going forward. :Note: upon second review of the page's history, it appears I did remove your quote, and you are the one who reinstated. I do not remember doing so, and would like to apologize. Could you please respond where I contacted you about the secondary source required for [[WQ:FAME]]? :Best, [[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]] ([[User talk:NorthernWinds|talk]]) 15:18, 26 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-1, 07:26 == * {{Vandal|Handmadefever}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:26, 1 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:42, 1 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-27, 13:26 == * {{IPvandal|177.98.100.114}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:26, 27 July 2025 (UTC) :{{Ping|MathXplore}} E.g. ? I don't see any obvious vandalism. Are the quotations fake? (I've never seen this TV show). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:09, 3 August 2025 (UTC) :: [[Special:Log/177.98.100.114]] [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:29, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-27, 13:28 == * {{Vandal|Mbretpix}} * {{Vandal|RahulGandhi01}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:28, 27 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:10, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-28, 22:19 == * {{Vandal|DJ Makosam Official 1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 28 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:10, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-3, 13:24 == * {{Vandal|Cryptoemarketing}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:24, 3 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:03, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 01:17 == * {{Vandal|Jexebarb}} * {{Vandal|Jesequote}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:28, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 01:30 == * {{Vandal|Ellie0804}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:31, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 11:58 == * {{IPvandal|72.202.155.82}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:59, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:46, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-6, 12:01 == * {{Vandal|Bcuja}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 6 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-7, 01:36 == * {{IPvandal|2601:243:D01:1F20:9049:4A73:338F:EE73}} Cross-wiki spam, [[:w:WP:FORUMSHOP]], [[Special:CentralAuth/PawPatroler]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:13, 7 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-7, 07:36 == * {{Vandal|Provent-compliance1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:36, 7 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 7 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-8, 12:21 == * {{Vandal|Proventcompliance301}} * {{Vandal|Abarch Architects}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 8 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, latter globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:38, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-9, 23:18 == * {{Vandal|Joseph05678890}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:20, 9 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} deleted by someone else, welcomed/warned. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:39, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-10, 12:46 == * {{Vandal|BinanceDatabase}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:48, 10 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:40, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-10, 12:48 == * {{Vandal|Fluvos Captus}} * [[Abdelnaser Abdelfatah]] Spam ([[Special:CentralAuth/Абидров_Рафаэль_Беймович]], [[Special:CentralAuth/गुंडा]], [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/040#Return_of_Abdel_Nasser_Abdel_Fattah_Mohamed_(ANAFM)]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 10 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally, undoing now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:40, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-12, 02:11 == * {{IPvandal|187.89.104.62}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:47, 12 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} Empty pages deleted, user welcome/warned. I didn't see anything that was actually "vandalism", so if I missed it, please give a diff. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:44, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-12, 12:54 == * {{IPvandal|31.134.188.230}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-14, 03:21 == * {{Vandal|Thegoofhere}} Some one keeps removing pro Israel quotes only replacing them with quotes from Ali khamenei lol https://en.m.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Iran%E2%80%93Israel_war&diff=prev&oldid=3793121 A short explanation for why this username should be blocked. [[User:Baratiiman|Baratiiman]] ([[User talk:Baratiiman|talk]]) 03:23, 14 August 2025 (UTC) :I'm not? What are you even talking about, dude [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 03:26, 14 August 2025 (UTC) ::I was merely removing quotes that weren't properly sourced to [[Wikipedia:Wikipedia:Reliable sources|RS]], please see [[WQ:QUOTE]] [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 04:10, 14 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-14, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|Justinmartin012}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 14 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:07, 15 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-15, 17:55 == Moved to Administrators' noticeboard [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#New_report_2025-08-15,_17:55] -[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 05:00, 16 August 2025 (UTC) * {{Vandal|NorthernWinds}} posting here about the continued targeted subtractive vandalism by this new user on pages relating to palestine and israel. tagging {{Ping|koavf}} as promised, and also {{Ping|UDScott}}, {{Ping|Kalki}}, and {{Ping|Peter1c}} because they've been involved in talk page discussions with northernwinds. northernwinds, can you tag any editors that you think have shown support for the large cuts you've been trying to make under the notability guideline, so they can particapate in this conversation too? a timeline of my involvement in what's been happening is something like this: on july 26 i noticed unusual, subtractive editing on the [[Zionism]] page from a newly created account and reverted it with a note why. northernwinds continued to cut quotes from that page anyway and started to on the [[Palestine]] page as well, so i reported it on the Vandalism in Progress page: "new account that seems to be focused exclusively on Israel and Palestine (a lot of activisty on Zionism and the Palestine page). Is deleting many quotes other editors added, contacting some editors but not waiting for responses. It's been disruptive, not sure if it qualifies as vandalism or political activism or just someone who hasn't learned the process yet." northernwinds posted a defensive paragraph 8 minutes later but no admin responded and that report is now [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress/Archive/16 archived]. northernwinds continued trying to make large cuts of quotes other editors had added and some of the removals were reverted by admins. on august 5 i reverted their attempted mass quote removal on the [[Palestine]] page and asked them using the edit summary: " which people on the page do you think should not be considered notable? and for the ones that you agree are notable but you think the quote isn't, what is a different quote by them you suggest?" northernwinds posted an evasive response on the palestine talk page, which i responded to there and also said i was going to wait for some kind of feedback from an admin before deciding whether to communicate directly with them again. we both contacted {{Ping|Kalki}} on august 5 and northernwinds has a bolded explanation there that the notability guideline is not a mandate, and august 7 from {{Ping|Peter1c}} on the palestine talk page as well. on august 12 and 13 i reverted northernwinds attempted mass removal of quotes from the [[Zionism]] and [[Israel]] pages and added the suggestion in the edit summary "if you think we should make subtractive changes as a new editor, list on the talk page the names of the individuals that you think should not be considered notable, and over time we can see if other editors agree or not." and i asked on koavf's talk page: "if you looked at the user's large subtractive edits and their comments on talk pages and didn't/don't interpret it as vandalism, could you write about how what they've been doing is different than cases that you do judge to be vandalism? and if you do spend some time reviewing this situation, do you have any feedback or advice for what i could try to do differently next time i notice a new editor trying to make large cuts to pages like this?" i have also reverted northernwinds july 31 attempt to remove half of the content other editors had added to the [[Israeli–Palestinian conflict]] page i've been choosing to revert to the version of these pages right before northernwinds started trying to make cuts by misusing the notability guideline because those were most obviously political activism. but northernwinds also made a series of significant cuts to pages on july 3 with the endurance guideline as the explanation, including a third of the quotes that were on the [[Israel]] page. if anyone has already checked if some of those were made in bad faith too or not, can you let us know so we're all on the same page? [[User:A23423413|A23423413]] ([[User talk:A23423413|talk]]) 19:13, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :This is more suitable for the administrator's noticeboard than here. You may want to move it [[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]] ([[User talk:NorthernWinds|talk]]) 19:40, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :Hello @[[User:A23423413|A23423413]] and @[[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]]. I am willing to help resolve this disagreement. :1. I see NorthernWinds is making additions as well as deletions. To me this implies it is problematic to describe NorthenWinds as a vandal. I don't underestimate the value of expressing feelings along with editorial concerns, but precision of language can help avoid unnecessary escalation. See [[WQ:AGF]]. :2. If any disagreement about deletion of a quotation is documented or anticipated, Wikiquote best practice is to move the deleted quotations to the talk page, maintaining them alphabetically, and include detailed explanations for deletions and other editorial actions. :Thank you for your contributions to Wikiquote! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 20:54, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :I agree that this is better suited to the AN. Please move this there. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:05, 15 August 2025 (UTC) Moved to Administrators' noticeboard [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#New_report_2025-08-15,_17:55] -[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 05:00, 16 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-15, 22:44 == * {{Vandal|Lesenokx}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:27, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:32, 15 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-20, 12:24 == * {{Vandal|Virinchipvs}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:59, 20 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:33, 20 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-24, 04:00 == * {{IPvandal|2804:D51:4427:6100:648E:2EEF:CA13:CC96}} Recurring vandalism on [[The Powerpuff Girls]] and [[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]], see those pages' histories. You might want to consider blocking the whole /32 range. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 04:01, 24 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-25, 23:37 == * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:B437:DE00:CC40:CB84:7BC5:EA52}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:39, 25 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:33, 26 August 2025 (UTC) — blocked this IP for a month — but right now, I don’t have enough info or time to attempt a wider range block. == New report 2025-08-26, 12:31 == * {{Vandal|Bunnyleisureadultcenter}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:42, 26 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:14, 27 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-26, 22:48 == * {{Vandal|Thewesternoutfit0}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:15, 26 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:11, 27 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-27, 22:57 == * {{Vandal|Defrenzel9}} He appears to be the same IP user who vandalized [[Beast Wars: Transformers]] and [[Beast Machines: Transformers]]. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 23:22, 27 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:26, 27 August 2025 (UTC) — blocked. ::Why are you not accepting me all the time including for News Of The World and for The Father? [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:5AED:1000:C18A:F463:188A:63A0|2600:1700:5AED:1000:C18A:F463:188A:63A0]] 01:45, 28 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-28, 07:10 == * {{Vandal|Bajajhomeandliving}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:42, 28 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:32, 28 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-2, 08:29 == * {{IPvandal|150.228.135.214}} Spam.[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:30, 2 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by rollback. I hope that's enough for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:06, 2 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-2, 22:36 == * {{Vandal|Cricwindow}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:53, 2 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:05, 2 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-3, 22:05 == * {{Vandal|OLAYINKA WALIYAT}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 3 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-4, 11:56 == * {{Vandal|Travis34567}} * {{Vandal|Ademayowa12}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:31, 4 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else and me. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:36, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-4, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|We are going to get a Democratic President soon}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:46, 4 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:36, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-5, 11:55 == * {{Vandal|Jhonnycarmen}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:06, 5 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported at [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:21, 5 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 02:38 == * {{Vandal|X UZBOT}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:29, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:44, 7 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 07:27 == * {{Vandal|Yellowstone Apparel}} * {{Vandal|~2025-52117-2}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:33, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} (IP not blocked as stale). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:35, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 11:11 == * {{Vandal|Md Rafiul Islam Rafi (mrafiseo)}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:49, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:35, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 22:13 == * {{Vandal|Armoredcarcomedies}} * {{Vandal|Luka Madhieu Kuot Mou}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:38, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:36, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-8, 12:52 == * {{Vandal|Arowolo1123}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 8 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported to stewards. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:39, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-8, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-55658-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:55, 8 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:40, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == Block evasion, POV-pushing white supremacist == * {{Vandal|~2025-51577-8}} Block evasion; see [[Wikiquote:Administrators'_noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48:_long-term_abuse_by_antisemitic_racist_extreme_right-wing_vandal_for_six_years|this recent noticeboard thread]] for context. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 15:08, 10 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:47, 15 September 2025 (UTC) ::{{replyto|Koavf}} Thanks, but it'd be better to block that temporary account for three months, which is how long they last ... that would literally only affect that user and would probably give both [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] and I more piece of mind. (As you can see, the temporary account encompasses the same user on multiple IP addresses). Poking at the underlying /64's of the IPV6 addresses (the ones with colons rather than dots) would also be completely safe). If I were you, I would also block [[Special:Contributions/~2025-57996-1|~2025-57996-1]] for three months as well (see below), just to cover all bases (as you can see the /64 used by that one is also used by ~2025-51577-8). [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 05:45, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:05, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|VinnyDove}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:45, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 12:23 == * {{Vandal|~2025-56504-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:22, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:46, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 20:18 == * {{Vandal|Patrick sigma}} Likely a vandalism only account judging by the single edit. [[User:IanDBeacon|IanDBeacon]] ([[User talk:IanDBeacon|talk]]) 20:19, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:48, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-12, 13:28 == * {{Vandal|InvoiceTempleApp}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:16, 12 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:49, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 03:54 == * {{Vandal|Natieyamylostrealacc}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:51, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :What do you mean by Vandalism? Why am I being pinged? [[User:Natieyamylostrealacc|Natieyamylostrealacc]] ([[User talk:Natieyamylostrealacc|talk]]) 14:26, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :: I have seen [[:w:WP:YELL]] in [[special:permalink/3806533]] so I thought this is the case. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:16, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :::I'm sorry, sir. I just put AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA in my page. I didn't know that I was breaking the rules. [[User:Natieyamylostrealacc|Natieyamylostrealacc]] ([[User talk:Natieyamylostrealacc|talk]]) 18:06, 14 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{done}} Rare false positive, but understandable. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:39, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 05:23 == * {{Vandal|OmranTokhi7}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:04, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:51, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 23:16 == * {{Vandal|Leonard Ali}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:55, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-16, 11:10 == * {{Vandal|~2025-62212-4}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:38, 16 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-16, 23:35 == * {{Vandal|MakingTheWorldBetter1977}} * {{Vandal|SheSaidCampaign}} VFD vote stacking at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Shadan Kapri]] & [[Talk:Shadan Kapri]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:37, 16 September 2025 (UTC) : [[:m:Steward_requests/Checkuser/2025-09#MakingTheWorldBetter1977@en.wikiquote]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:37, 16 September 2025 (UTC) :Is this your attempt to hide your sexism and misogyny?? Failed attempt. [[User:SheSaidCampaign|SheSaidCampaign]] ([[User talk:SheSaidCampaign|talk]]) 00:05, 17 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-17, 23:36 == * {{Vandal|~2025-52999-8}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:36, 17 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 00:00 == * {{Vandal|Noeruchan is worst, Thcsphuninh2006 is good}} Vandalism only, troll username, some sort of LTA I think [[User:&#126;delta|&#126;delta]] ([[User talk:&#126;delta|talk]]) 00:02, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 07:19 == * {{Vandal|Noeruchan are worst, Thcsphuninh2006 are best}} Vandalism, LTA. [[User:Như Gây Mê|Như Gây Mê]] ([[User talk:Như Gây Mê|talk]]) 07:21, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 12:03 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63753-0}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-19, 03:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63481-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:26, 19 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-19, 22:16 == * {{Vandal|Ayane Fumihiro is worst, ChanComThemPho is good}} The individual's contributions make the obvious reason why. [[User:Apisite|Apisite]] ([[User talk:Apisite|talk]]) 22:17, 19 September 2025 (UTC) : Locked globally. <span style="display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;">~~<nowiki/>~~<br/><span style="font-size:0.7em;">[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])</span></span> 22:46, 19 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 10:55 == * {{Vandal|MehedisStoryland}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 14:38 == * {{Vandal|Happypengirl}} looks like it could be vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 14:41, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-12, 17:53 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-57996-1}} https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&oldid=3806302#Block_evasion,_POV-pushing_white_supremacist {{ping|Antandrus}} {{ping|Graham87}} [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 18:10, 12 September 2025 (UTC) :Thanks. If an admin sees this, can someone give me at least Temporary account IP viewer rights, so I can still see the IP addresses of the user involved? [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]], you should probably get yourself these rights, but you have to request them specifically, per the Wikimedia Foundation [[wmf:Policy:Wikimedia Access to Temporary Account IP Addresses Policy|Wikimedia Access to Temporary Account IP Addresses Policy]]. This goes for everyone here. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 18:55, 12 September 2025 (UTC) ::{{done}} I gave you six months, let me know if you need more, Graham. Thanks for all you do and have done. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:50, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{replyto|Koavf}} Thanks very much for the rights grant and the kind words. Could you please give them to me indefinitely? This user's been hanging around Wikiquote for at least five years (see [[User:Antandrus/sandbox]]) so I think I'd just be back here in another six months otherwise. Unless timed rights grants are more regular here or something. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 04:59, 15 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:04, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{ping|Antandrus}} {{ping|Graham87}} can you check if [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/~2025-64984-0 this ] is the same user ? --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 11:02, 21 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{replyto|ᘙ}} Thanks for the note. Don't think so. The IP doesn't match at all and the MO is a bit different. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 11:56, 21 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 20:45 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-67389-4}} Looks like a sock puppet of banned user Defrenzel9. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 21:30, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 22:35 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-52999-8}} Creating tons of test pages, please nuke and block. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:01, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-21, 11:56 == * {{Vandal|ShantaHowladar}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Mahichowdhury20]], Recreated [[Atikur Rahman Mahi]] ([[:w:Atikur Rahman Mahi]], [[:w:simple:Atikur Rahman Mahi]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 21 September 2025 (UTC) :Globally locked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 21 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-22, 13:26 == * {{Vandal|~2025-68209-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:46, 22 September 2025 (UTC) :* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 13:54, 22 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-22, 23:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-69132-7}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Rayhanltd]], please see [[Riptech]] (founded by [[:w:simple:Sheikh Rayhan]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:56, 22 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by Lemonaka. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:15, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 01:59 == * {{Vandal|Jibikapexus}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:00, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:20, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 02:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26235-63}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:20, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 19:58 == * {{Vandal|Norbir2007}} Already blocked, but has spam requiring deletion at [[User talk:Norbir2007]]. Edit filters prevent me from blanking the page. [[User:Rsjaffe|Rsjaffe]] ([[User talk:Rsjaffe|talk]]) 20:24, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:07, 25 September 2025 (UTC) — page deleted. == New report 2025-09-26, 11:14 == * {{Vandal|EsunFiber}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 26 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-26, 23:42 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63481-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:43, 26 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:20, 27 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 13:22 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26549-07}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:27, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 14:07, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 22:58 == * {{Vandal|Purnikushi}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:38, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 22:58 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27085-60}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:38, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 23:17 == * {{Vandal|Sunrise vs Moonrise, I'm Not Sunrise, I'm Moonrise}} Vandalism. --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 23:23, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:28, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 04:25 == * {{Vandal|Nice Blessings}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:25, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 04:25 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26900-10}} Cross-wiki issues. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:26, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 07:45 == * {{Vandal|88ipgcom1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:45, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 07:45 == * {{Vandal|Napaextra376}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:47, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-27, 15:10 == * {{Vandal|Allthedays}} Blatantly bypassing the block placed on [[Shining Time Station]] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Shining%20Time%20Station&diff=prev&oldid=3781520 inexplicably removing content] (though I suspect that the user is yet another sockpuppet of repeat vandal Fourlaxers, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User%20talk:DawgDeputy&diff=prev&oldid=2229277 as he considers Schemer calling his mother "Mommy" childish] (every quote he removed, has even the smallest hint of Schemer referencing his mother), despite the fact that that is how the show was made and he cannot do anything about it). I request that he be blocked indefinitely with account creation permanently disabled, and a stronger and longer block be placed on the article. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 15:19, 27 September 2025 (UTC) : Declined, Vandalism already stooped. If they start edits again, feel free to re-report. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:12, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-2, 00:02 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27393-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:03, 2 October 2025 (UTC) : Indeffed after talk page abuse. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:11, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-3, 12:24 == * {{Vandal|Rehmanmahidu}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 3 October 2025 (UTC) : Blocked and delete -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:09, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-4, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|Aroon596}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:40, 4 October 2025 (UTC) : Blocked and delete. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 15:05, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-6 18:13 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27890-11}} Creating vandalism pages. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:14, 6 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-7, 03:28 == * {{Vandal|Nehal Khan Jit}} * {{Vandal|Nehal Khan Jit Chemist}} crosswiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:29, 7 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:09, 7 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-9, 16:57 == * {{Vandal|Huynhthiminhngoc99 are amazingsssss}} Long-term abuse. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 16:57, 9 October 2025 (UTC) :(non-admin comment) Now globally locked. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 17:07, 9 October 2025 (UTC) ::Blocked here as well now. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:34, 9 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-9, 23:20 == * {{Vandal|Misrut fridew}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/गुंडा]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:22, 9 October 2025 (UTC) : already locked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 07:30, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-10, 13:01 == * {{Vandal|2025-28348-18}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/SheSaidCampaign]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 10 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:25, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-10, 13:02 == * {{Vandal|Abidbanga}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:03, 10 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-11, 12:35 == * {{Vandal|RalfP.Carreon78}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:35, 11 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — globally blocked by someone else. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:32, 12 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-12, 13:23 == * {{Vandal|Esimoio}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:23, 12 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:33, 12 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-13, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Palhsn}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]], contribution on [[Mai Vu Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:37, 13 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:38, 13 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-13, 19:06 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-28703-67}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 19:07, 13 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:40, 13 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-14, 11:48 == * {{Vandal|Adeosun 007}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 14 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:44, 14 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-14, 23:05 == * {{Vandal|Escort Girls In Uae}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:33, 14 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:36, 14 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-15, 14:16 == * {{Vandal|Sri isoftwarez}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:17, 15 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by another admin. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:29, 15 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 00:15 == * {{Vandal|Xewz}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Would_build]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]], [[Abdelnasser Abdelfattah]], [[Special:Diff/3823644]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:16, 18 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Victoria1265}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:49, 18 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 12:49 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29255-18}} Vandalism. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 19:00, 18 October 2025 (UTC) :Note: [[Special:Contributions/~2025-29159-51|~2025-29159-51]] is the same person as this [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 00:17, 19 October 2025 (UTC) ::{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 01:17, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:54 == * {{Vandal|Ahealthydivorce}} * {{Vandal|Beyondarchitects7}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:55, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:59, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:55 == * {{Vandal|Alexdon10}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:58, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:00, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:58 == * {{Vandal|Goodhiredomestichelperinsingap}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:53, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 12:53 == * {{Vandal|Doublegcontractingpainting}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:56, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 12:56 == * {{Vandal|Goodhiredomestichelper}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:24, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-20, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|Dacknight01}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:40, 20 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else it seems. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:24, 20 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-20, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|KaiakSa}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]] ([[Special:Contributions/Palhsn]], blocked by {{u|Koavf}}), contribution on [[Mai Vũ Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 20 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:32, 20 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-21, 11:52 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29574-83}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]] ([[Special:Contributions/Palhsn]], blocked by {{u|Koavf}}), contribution on [[Mai Vũ Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 21 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 16:59, 21 October 2025 (UTC) ::The page has been deleted. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:02, 21 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-23, 11:23 == * {{Vandal|Betjp88}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:08, 23 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|AmeriSurgical}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked by another admin. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29918-98}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:40, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29926-75}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:41, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-25, 11:17 == * {{Vandal|Bel BZGIGI}} Basic spam on two newly created talk pages (and on [[:meta:Talk:Wikiquote/fr]]). [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 11:22, 25 October 2025 (UTC) :Now vandalizing the subject namespace too at [[Destiné doukaga]]. [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 13:54, 25 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-26, 05:41 == * {{Vandal|VedankTamrakar}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:42, 26 October 2025 (UTC) :globally locked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:42, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-26, 18:55 == * {{IPvandal|2601:5C7:4100:3600:ADDC:867A:249D:753B/64}} Extensive vandalism since earlier this month. [[User:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh]] ([[User talk:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|talk]]) 19:55, 26 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:48, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-27, 22:31 == * {{Vandal|Freeshops}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-30, 08:39 == * {{Vandal|NyamericanJacket1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:40, 30 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:55, 30 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-30, 22:56 == * {{Vandal|Muzammal Shahzad}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:56, 30 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-1, 08:35 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-30266-26}} Vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 08:36, 1 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-5, 11:26 == * {{Vandal|Charlotte Millerr}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 5 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:21, 5 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 07:36 == * {{Vandal|Kitoinfocoms}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:36, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:02, 7 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 12:14 == * {{Vandal|Yanok7}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:34, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by UDScott. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:32, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 22:34 == * {{Vandal|Hasan061}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:31, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-8, 06:57 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-31580-72}} * {{IPvandal|~2025-31052-57}} * {{IPvandal|~2025-31358-44}} I believe the following unregistered editors are all tied to the same end user. Whatever the case may be, these three are shown to consistently disruptively edit the [[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]] page to a version generally accepted to contain misleading content. There is an ongoing edit war over this issue.[[User:729MT|729MT]] ([[User talk:729MT|talk]]) 07:27, 8 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:15, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-8, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|Nutribray}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-11, 12:20 == * {{Vandal|Md Tahamid Badhon}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:25, 11 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:52, 11 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|Dwakm}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|Braden nekton 9}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:31, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 13:31 == * {{Vandal|SweepyMaids}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:54, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 14:27 == * {{Vandal|~2025-32990-85}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:52, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 18:35 == * {{Vandal|2600:1005:B152:F260:5428:B3D5:CD09:6252}} Classic vandalism. [[User:Left page|Left page]] ([[User talk:Left page|talk]]) 18:35, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 05:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-32982-32}} spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Braden_nekton_9]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:01, 13 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 13 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 08:21 == * {{Vandal|Usacarwash}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:04, 13 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-14, 12:12 == * {{Vandal|Americanplumbing}} Spam, [[Special:Contributions/Americanplumbingservice]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 14 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 09:04 == * {{Vandal|MortleyT1}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:10, 13 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:28, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-14, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-33528-17}} Vandalism, removed CSD tag, [[Special:Contributions/GMK7]] (Recreated [[Temperance Fitzgerald]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 14 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:33, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 3:46 == * {{Vandal|~2025-33593-32}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:Left page|<span style="color:blue">⬅️ '''Left page'''</span>]] ([[User talk:Left page|'''discuss''']]) 03:47, 15 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:35, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|Mmusolan11}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:38, 15 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:37, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 15:39 == * {{Vandal|LastHappyhippo}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 15:39, 17 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 13:15 == * {{Vandal|Proowrx}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:19, 19 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-34951-18}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:11, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:22, 19 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 22:55 == * {{Vandal|~2025-34935-01}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:21, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:48, 20 November 2025 (UTC) — account blocked for one year, created pages deleted. == New report 2025-11-21, 12:27 == * {{Vandal|Kingasterisk technologies}} Spam-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-21, 13:09 == * {{Vandal|GaniGashi11}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_piktori]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_piktor]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_13]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_1944]]. Please see: [[:w:en:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Gani Gashi piktor]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:44, 21 November 2025 (UTC) :Subject: Strong Objection to Deletion – Gani Gashi Wikiquote Page :Dear editors, :I am writing to formally object to the proposed deletion of the Wikiquote entry for Gani Gashi, as the page clearly meets the core inclusion standards and contains verifiable, encyclopedic, and culturally relevant material. :1. Notability and Encyclopedic Value :Gani Gashi is a recognized contemporary painter whose work has been exhibited, published, and cited in multiple independent sources. His artistic contributions, style, and public presence are documented through reliable coverage in media, exhibitions, catalogues, and scholarly discussions. This satisfies Wikiquote’s and Wikipedia’s general notability guidelines. :2. Published, Verifiable Quotations :The quotations included on the page are: :Published :Verifiable :Directly attributed :Relevant to his artistic philosophy and public contributions :This aligns precisely with Wikiquote’s purpose: to archive significant quotations from notable individuals whose work impacts culture, art, and public discourse. :3. Cultural and Artistic Significance :It is important to recognize that not all volunteers are familiar with regional art history or Balkan contemporary art. However, lack of personal familiarity with an artist cannot serve as grounds for deletion when reliable sources, verifiable quotations, and clear notability exist. Cultural representation on Wikiquote must remain broad and inclusive, not limited only to globally mainstream figures. :4. No Policy-Based Reason for Deletion :After reviewing the deletion rationale, I find: :No concrete policy violation :No issue with verifiability :No issue with sourcing :No copyright concern :No demonstration that the subject is non-notable :A deletion without a policy-based justification would go against Wikiquote’s mission of preserving notable cultural contributions. :5. Request for Fair Review :I respectfully request: :A policy-based explanation if deletion continues to be considered :A fair and neutral review of the sources and quotations :That the page remain available, as it demonstrably meets inclusion criteria :Unless clear and specific violations are identified, there is no valid reason under Wikiquote policy for the page to be deleted. :Thank you for your time, neutrality, and commitment to maintaining a diverse and representative project. :Kind regards, :Sadete [[User:GaniGashi11|GaniGashi11]] ([[User talk:GaniGashi11|talk]]) 14:00, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-21, 14:42 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35203-22}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:54, 21 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked temporarily, but will keep an eye out for further issues. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:46, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-22, 12:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35534-39}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:26, 22 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and created pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 19:40, 22 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-22, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35574-75}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:33, 22 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:51, 22 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-23, 11:43 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35324-70}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 23 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:04, 23 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-23, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35620-26}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:59, 23 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:04, 23 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-24, 05:10 == * {{Vandal|ScoreProTips2025}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:55, 24 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:16, 24 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-24, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|Tsconect}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:06, 24 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-27, 08:58 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36599-65}} Vandalism. [[User:MasashiInoue|MasashiInoue]] ([[User talk:MasashiInoue|talk]]) 09:01, 27 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28, 13:15 == * {{Vandal|VaughnAWamsley}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28 14:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36976-34}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 13:59, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28 23:34 == * {{Vandal|~2025-37162-45}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:34, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-29, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|Bravobuilt35}} * {{Vandal|68658ghgg}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:55, 29 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-1, 12:52 == * {{Vandal|Thapegador}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:13, 1 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:08, 1 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-2, 14:15 == * {{Vandal|~2025-38000-68}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 14:14, 2 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:07, 2 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-2, 23:46 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35880-43}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:46, 2 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 2 weeks. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:23, 3 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-4, 12:38 == * {{Vandal|LinaHayes25}} * {{Vandal|Junohayes}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 4 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-5, 13:03 == * {{Vandal|Matildasmit}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:04, 5 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:23, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-5, 13:04 == * {{Vandal|Beautifulmindhealth}} Spam/advertising-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:05, 5 December 2025 (UTC) : '''Non-admin comment''': blocked indefinitely by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 18:22, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-6, 09:31 == * {{Vandal|Maiqueiizz}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:44, 6 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:25, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-7, 03:11 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36599-65}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 03:12, 7 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:40, 7 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-7, 19:30 == * {{Vandal|~2025-39184-02}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 19:30, 7 December 2025 (UTC) :Blocked indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 20:19, 7 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-8, 00:03 == * {{Vandal|M7 better, Hiyuune bad}} LTA. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 00:04, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:13, 8 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-8, 00:04 == * {{Vandal|~2025-39065-25}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 00:05, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:14, 8 December 2025 (UTC) ::{{replyto|Kalki}} Thanks very much for dealing with that vandalism. Could you (or any other admin who sees this) please block the underlying IP (which you can see as an admin and I can see as a temporary account IP viewer)? The underlying IP has several temporary accounts associated with it and has been blocked previously before the introduction of temporary accounts. Thanks! [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 04:35, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :::{{Done|Blocked}} for 3 months. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:19, 8 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 03:45 == * {{Vandal|Johnteyeministry}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:43, 14 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and spam pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 06:06, 14 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 16:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40578-15}} Repeatedly inserted nonsense at [[The Simpsons]]. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 16:55, 14 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 2 weeks. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:09, 14 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 12:18 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27022-09}} vandalism, e.g. at [[Frozen (2013 film)]] or [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4]] [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 12:38, 15 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:07, 15 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 20:09 == * {{Vandal|Higashizakura vs Ternera, Ternera Best}} LTA 404. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:09, 15 December 2025 (UTC) : Globally locked by Bsadowski1. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 20:15, 15 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-16, 12:45 == * {{Vandal|Supertech123}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:46, 16 December 2025 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:35, 17 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18, 11:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-41607-99}} Vandalism. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 12:02, 18 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:54, 18 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18, 12:02 == * {{Vandal|Trends87}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 18 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:55, 18 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18 17:32 == * {{Vandal|Mosdaliodf}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:31, 18 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 16:15, 19 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-19, 13:06 == * {{Vandal|Pirazhppouyaa}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:06, 19 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 16:16, 19 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 16:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40578-15}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:54, 14 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} by Saroj. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:13, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 20:04 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40913-54}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:04, 15 December 2025 (UTC) : This is stale, please re-report if they continue vandalizing. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:13, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-19, 13:06 == * {{Vandal|HitoryCloud}} spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:11, 19 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done|Page deleted}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:12, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-20, 23:10 == * {{Vandal|~2025-41906-72}} Talk page nonsense. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:10, 20 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:12, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-24, 12:57 == * {{Vandal|0prestogroup}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:57, 24 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:40, 24 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-24, 12:57 == * {{Vandal|0sipconinstrument}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:01, 24 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:40, 24 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-28, 10:48 == * {{Vandal|~2025-43194-97}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:12, 28 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by global sysop. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:19, 28 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-29, 22:47 == * {{Vandal|~2025-43806-18}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:47, 29 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:34, 29 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-1, 12:47 == * {{Vandal|Jeff32144}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 1 January 2026 (UTC) : Blocked by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 21:28, 1 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-1, 13:09 == * {{Vandal|Jeck321}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 1 January 2026 (UTC) : Blocked by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 21:29, 1 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-3, 08:35 == * {{Vandal|Stephen Ho 7}} Vandalism, [[Special:Log/Stephen_Ho_7]], [[Special:Contributions/~2026-17814]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:37, 3 January 2026 (UTC) :Blocked by Kalki. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:04, 4 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-4, 04:46 == * {{Vandal|TidesAreRisin}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/The_Doors_Jim_Morrison_Jr]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Jim_Morrison_II]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:48, 4 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:07, 4 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-6, 22:31 == * {{Vandal|~2026-12186-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:32, 6 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:54, 6 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-7, 17:27 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14142-0}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:26, 7 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:51, 7 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-9, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|Gylawetudenipl12}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki Spam. [[Special:CentralAuth/AmitMeena0000]], [[Special:Contributions/Babaf95832]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:01, 9 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:49, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-10, 21:54 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14254-3}} Every change they had made to WQ has been rolled back. They are all vandalism. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 22:10, 10 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-11, 02:38 == * {{Vandal|Bsndjfjsnskrty}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Amitmeena7777]], Recreated [[Aman Meena]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:36, 11 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-11, 05:49 == * {{Vandal|Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Amitmeena7777]], created [[Technical 01]] used by [[Aman Meena]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:38, 11 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:03, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 01:02 == * {{Vandal|Tahbibmahmud}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Bet365aminul]], Recreated [[Ariyan Mehedi]], [[:w:en:Ariyan Mehedi]], [[:w:simple:Ariyan Mehedi]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:38, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:41, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 07:31 == * {{Vandal|Hdapatna345}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:32, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 08:05, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 07:54 == * {{Vandal|Katerichards1607}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:54, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 08:04, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 08:05 == * {{Vandal|Ytgb5}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Laxmi_Narayan_Maharana]]. Created [[Laxmi Narayan Maharana]], [[:w:en:Laxmi Narayan Maharana]], [[:w:simple:Laxmi Narayan Maharana]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:43, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:08, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 21:47 == * {{Vandal|Moonschein07}} Clearly only here to vandalize and not to build. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:48, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by global sysop SHB2000. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:13, 13 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-13, 17:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-27365-4}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:14, 13 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by Codename Noreste. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:36, 13 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-14, 20:47 == * {{Vandal|~2026-30429-2}} * {{Vandal|~2026-30143-3}} LTA. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:47, 14 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 21:25, 14 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-15, 12:56 == * {{Vandal|Vinkion}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Blirth]], [[Special:CentralAuth/AyanJohn]], [[Special:CentralAuth/SaifFullah]], Recreated [[Umar Jaum]], [[:w:en:Umar Jaum]], [[:w:simple:Umar Jaum]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:57, 15 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:05, 15 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-15, 13:05 == * {{Vandal|Zenithsttudyabroad}} spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:03, 15 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:57, 15 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-17, 03:39 == * {{Vandal|Sccdggvdvkkrjjerfbvdcd}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:52, 17 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:09, 17 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-17, 05:09 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35659-4}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:59, 17 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 06:46, 17 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-18, 11:12 == * {{Vandal|Btbthhwvefjgtktjheeh}} Spam, [[Special:Contributions/Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:13, 18 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:38, 18 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-18, 21:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-38539-8}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:03, 18 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done|Blocked}} by Tanbiruzzaman. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 22:37, 18 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-23, 12:50 == * {{Vandal|~2026-50327-5}} * {{Vandal|~2026-50881-1}} * {{Vandal|PbFwun}} Long-term abuse, created page [[Realjjfrosh]] ([[:w:en:Realjjfrosh]], [[:w:simple:Realjjfrosh]], [[:w:en:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Realjjfrosh]]) [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:30, 23 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done|Page deleted}}. If any of these accounts attempt to create the page again, a block will be possible. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:23, 24 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-23, 23:45 == * {{Vandal|Deas-Fafa}} Vandalism; see the page history for [[KPop Demon Hunters]] and [[Family Guy]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:45, 23 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:20, 24 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-27, 12:45 == * {{Vandal|Leatherchapo1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 27 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by Saroj. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:16, 27 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-27, 22:53 == * {{Vandal|~2026-54571-5}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:53, 28 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:59, 28 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-30, 13:56 == * [[Special:Redirect/logid/3644151]] [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:57, 30 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-30, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Jontyx191}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 30 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:57, 30 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-31, 11:45 == * {{Vandal|Constructxpert}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:45, 31 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:25, 31 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-31, 11:45 == * {{Vandal|Planit5}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:50, 31 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 31 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-01, 21:46 == * {{Vandal|~2026-71678-9}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:46, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:34, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-1, 22:38 == * {{IPvandal|2026-71678-9}} Vandalism. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:02, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:35, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-01, 23:15 == * {{Vandal|ReggieRedPanda}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:15, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by Kalki. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:44, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-10, 00:33 == * {{Vandal|Splendasofficial}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:15, 10 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:53, 10 February 2026 (UTC) blocked, deleted spam. == New report 2026-02-11, 19:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-93068-5}} Vandalism by replacing words with emojis, continued after warning. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color:#c56030;background:inherit;">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color:#64cea0;background:inherit">()</span>]] 19:04, 11 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:08, 11 February 2026 (UTC) ::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] For inof: The \64 range block expired yesterday.I have blocked the range again. [[User:WikiBayer|WikiBayer]] ([[User talk:WikiBayer|talk]]) 19:11, 11 February 2026 (UTC) :::Thanks, WikiBayer. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:14, 11 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-13, 13:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-97201-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:22, 13 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 1 week. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:54, 13 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-14, 07:39 == * {{Vandal|Govariabletechai}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:39, 14 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:01, 14 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-15, 08:06 == * {{IPvandal|~2026-10157-68}} Vandalism, [[Special:Contributions/~2026-97201-6]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:36, 15 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely; /64 range also blocked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:00, 15 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-16, 16:27 == * {{Vandal|~2026-10523-70}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:27, 16 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:34, 16 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-17, 18:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-10693-96}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:03, 17 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:05, 17 February 2026 (UTC) ::Thanks for handling this. I've also blocked the IP for 3 months, as it was the same user reported above. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:12, 17 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:19 == * {{Vandal|Tanishalux}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:21, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:30, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:03 == * {{Vandal|Digitalitstore}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:03, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} (by someone else) - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:27, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11450-48}} Vandalism, [[Special:Contributions/~2026-77860-7]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:19, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:27, 20 February 2026 (UTC) ::I went ahead and blocked the underlying /24 range. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:05, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-22, 09:23 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11652-80}} Please block the underlying /64 IP range of this user for several months (it's a /64 so only one device will be on it). It's long-term abuse from our resident extreme right-wing vandal (see [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48: long-term abuse by antisemitic racist extreme right-wing vandal for six years]]). [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 10:26, 22 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:03, 22 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-22, 12:46 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11769-06}} * {{Vandal|HappyStephenUSA (Version 7)}} Vandalism, Recreated [[Five Point Clientele]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:33, 22 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:38, 22 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-23, 11:35 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11989-11}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:35, 23 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:20, 23 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-23, 12:14 == * {{Vandal|Apoorvkohli}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:52, 23 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:20, 23 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-24, 03:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-12130-66}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 03:21, 24 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:28, 24 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-26, 13:46 == * {{Vandal|Kiel Bednar}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:42, 26 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:44, 26 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-27, 02:07 == * {{Vandal|Sommers The Holy Knight}} Long-term abuse (Zjholder/Reversi). [[User:NX3710|NX3710]] ([[User talk:NX3710|talk]]) 02:15, 27 February 2026 (UTC) :Nevermind, user is globally locked now. [[User:NX3710|NX3710]] ([[User talk:NX3710|talk]]) 03:37, 27 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 12:50 == * {{Vandal|Eutechrecruit}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:20, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 13:20 == * {{Vandal|Sicsallc}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:21, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 13:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-13367-78}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:23, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-3, 16:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-13772-04}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:21, 3 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. User blocked and article protected for three months. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:38, 3 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-5, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14175-37}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:20, 5 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:43, 5 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-5, 18:28 == * {{Vandal|Rsfsdfd}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:28, 5 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:58, 5 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-7, 06:54 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14650-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:22, 7 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:31, 7 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-9, 15:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-15017-41}} LTA. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 15:14, 9 March 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:24, 9 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-8, 08:39 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14739-24}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:01, 8 March 2026 (UTC) :Blocked globally by a steward. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 21:38, 10 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-13, 20:51 == * {{Vandal|~2026-16223-35}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:51, 13 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:32, 14 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-18, 12:07 == * {{Vandal|Michealikwi}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Realjjfrosh]]. Recreated [[Realjjfrosh]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:47, 18 March 2026 (UTC) :Already globally locked by Barras. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:54, 18 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-19, 11:28 == * {{Vandal|Akshaysharmaavs}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:28, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:31, 19 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-19, 11:28 == * {{Vandal|IBlogFlare}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:30, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by UDScott. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:32, 19 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-20, 01:19 == * {{Vandal|Edwin Cole Lee ecll}} Long-term abuse, [[Special:Contributions/Edwin_ColeLee987654]]. Recreated [[Edwin Cole Lee]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:14, 20 March 2026 (UTC) :Account is globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:27, 20 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-21, 07:17 == * {{Vandal|AlMuqarramIndustry}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:18, 21 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:56, 21 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-23, 18:51 == * {{Vandal|韓英雄戴上蘋果手錶來攻打台灣}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:52, 23 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by GreenMeansGo. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 22:01, 23 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-26 == * {{Vandal|~2026-18366-74}} Epstein abuse. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 20:46, 26 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 00:24, 27 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-29, 12:33 == * {{Vandal|Hollandadvocaten01}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:33, 29 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:35, 29 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|Ali raza 41306}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:38, 31 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:48, 31 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 12:48 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14588-11}} Temp address who has done some pretty suspecious edits: take [[Special:Diff/3906458|this]] edit on My Little Pony: Equestria Girls for one, with a scene that doesn't exist in the original (evident because of the swearing which isn't in the film proper). There's also [[Special:Diff/3922034|this]] edit on the Total Drama page featuring two deleted scenes which don't exist at all (and feature characters who AREN'T from Total Drama). [[Special:Diff/3472605|A similar edit]] was done a couple years back on the Total Drama Action page, featuring the same selection of characters (and whoever "1Smash18" is), so it's obvious this person is SoulEaterFan (some edit summaries insist that "SoulEaterFan doesn't exist", but evidence suggests otherwise. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 13:24, 31 March 2026 (UTC) : I blocked the underlying range. Thanks. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 04:02, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 13:24 == * {{Vandal|Petrowien}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:36, 31 March 2026 (UTC) : Page deleted by GreenMeansGo. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 04:00, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-6, 20:28 == * {{Vandal|~2026-21266-04}} A lot of vandalism especially on talk pages. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 21:03, 6 April 2026 (UTC) : I've blocked them from the article and talk namespaces for a month. If needed, it can be expanded to a site-wide block. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 23:41, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-13, 00:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-21744-59}} IP address showing similar behavior to Evilasio da Paz (SoulEaterFan). Targeted two separate My Little Pony pages; [[Special:Diff/3927068|one such edit]] restored a number of quotes commonly added by SEF; [[Special:Diff/3926975|the other edit]] also added quotes commonly added by SEF. It also [[User talk:MilkyZap|accused a completely unrelated user of being SoulEaterFan]] even though the user it accused was only reverting the edit done by SoulEaterFan. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 00:19, 13 April 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 01:41, 13 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-13, 02:32 == * {{Vandal|MilkyZap}} Sockpuppet of Evilasio da Paz/SoulEaterFan; confirmed through [[Special:Diff/3927612|this edit]] on the page documenting various socks and [[Special:Diff/3927604|this edit]] where it removed my report on ANOTHER SEF sock. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 02:34, 13 April 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 02:38, 13 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-6, 03:30 == * {{Vandal|~2026-20174-32}} Please block the underlying IP of this user for several months (there shouldn't be too much collateral damage from blocking that one IP, but there's a rangeblock on it on the English Wikipedia). It's long-term abuse from our resident extreme right-wing vandal (see [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48: long-term abuse by antisemitic racist extreme right-wing vandal for six years]]). Thanks. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 03:48, 6 April 2026 (UTC) : I blocked the underlying range. If you need me to adjust the block or the range, email me. Thanks. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 03:59, 6 April 2026 (UTC) :: CC @[[User:Graham87|Graham87]] to my response above. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:56, 16 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 12:41 == * {{Vandal|Adetoro muiz4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:42, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:09, 24 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|Toni Tagiam}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done|Globally locked}} by MarcGarver until 2027-04-24. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:01, 24 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 15:11 == * {{Vandal|Owolabi Habeeb ola}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:18, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:44, 26 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-6, 12:31 == * {{Vandal|Sdfclothing}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:29, 6 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}, and their only article creation was speedily deleted. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:32, 7 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-11, 10:39 == * {{Vandal|Taskraja}} * {{Vandal|Marinas94}} * {{Vandal|Travelaa}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:39, 11 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:07, 11 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-12, 22:19 == * {{Vandal|Ragnir 29912}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:19, 12 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:26, 12 May 2026 (UTC) b0tru1igzr8xjzrwzzv1komm1ctpqks 0 293076 3944521 3791771 2026-05-23T16:52:03Z ~2026-30214-64 3325277 3944521 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:Almost Naked Animals|Almost Naked Animals]]''''' (2011–2013), is a Canadian animated television series. Almost Naked Animals is set inside a tropical resort called the Banana Cabana. All of the cabana's staff members and residents are funny animals who have shaved off their fur and wear only underclothes. An anthropomorphic dog named Howie is the manager and leader of the cabana. Each episode follows Howie and his "misfit" crew having unusual adventures in the Banana Cabana. == Dialogue == '''CHORUS:''' '''Iye, iye, iye, iye, yiky-yiky iye iye! Almost Naked Animals!''' '''MAN:''' '''Sing it!''' '''CHORUS:''' '''Iye, iye, iye, iye, yiky-yiky iye iye!''' '''Almost Naked Animals!''' '''MAN:''' '''Look at this almost naked bliss...''' '''At the Banana Cabana, your pants won't be missed.''' '''Come and meet Howie and his misfit crew. They've always got a room for you!''' '''CHORUS:''' '''Iye, iye, iye, iye, yiky-yiky iye iye!''' '''Almost Naked Animals!''' == Season 1 == === It's My Party / One Star Hotel [1.1] === === There Are No Small Parts / Keep On Monster Truckin [1.2] === === The Ear Wax Elf / Stunter's Block [1.3] === === What Would Batty Do? / The Duck Vinci Code [1.4] === === Employee of the Month for Life / Saliva Drive [1.5] === === Veggie Beast / Hurricane Seasoning [1.6] === === Act to the Future / Guess Who's Coming to Lunch? [1.7] === === All Dog, No Danger / Cowboy Cabana [1.8] === === Oh Brother, Who Art Thou? / Nothing But the Tooth [1.9] === === A Fish This Big / Fizz Fuzz Bang [1.10] === === Better Safe and Sorry / Narwhal's Contest [1.11] === === Cool Paw Howie / S.S. Banana Cabana [1.12] === === Robo-Howie / The Old Act [1.13] === === Jellyhead / Matter Over Mind [1.14] === === The Sun Howie Always Wanted / In The Deep End [1.15] === === Gone Banana / Imaginary Fiend [1.16] === === Who Inked the Bed? / Kikmee [1.17] === === Candid Camaraderie / May the Best Loser Win [1.18] === === Piggy Party / Living Dangerously [1.19] === === The Orange Fizzy Blues / Champion Gurgitator [1.20] === === Piggy's Secret / Sloth Unleashed [1.21] === === Stink Dog / Doll Pox [1.22] === === Cat's Eight Lives / Crouching Narwhal, Hidden Piggy [1.23] === === Hotel of Horrors / Howieween [1.24] === === The Perfect Gift / Home for the Howiedays [1.25] === === The Cabana Manana / Howie's Little Helper [1.26] === == Season 2 == === Horn Swoggled / The Night Shift [2.1] === === Trash to the Past / The Green Banana [2.2] === === Howie's Pet Project / Dr. Howie and Mr. Howyena [2.3] === === Octo vs. Batty / Needle Day [2.4] === === The Brother and Sister Games / Freebie Jeebies [2.5] === === Howie's Staycation / A Helping Paw [2.6] === === Octopi P.I. / The Lost Stunt [2.7] === === Trance Romance / Wooing Warty [2.8] === === Octo Gets Tough / Narwhal's Birthday [2.9] === === All Night Long / Camp Stinka-wah-way [2.10] === === Ducking Duck / Banana Split [2.11] === === Cap'n Fizzy Fizzles / Banned! [2.12] === === Bumbag Bummer / Dirk Dubious [2.13] === === Miss Surrounding Area / Campaign Pains [2.14] === == Season 3 == === The Rotation Situation / The Tail of Howie [3.1] === === The Big Burp Theory / Who's Howie? [3.2] === === Insane in the Brain / Laugh Piggy Laugh [3.3] === === Picture Day / Part Timer [3.4] === === Howie's Allergy / Figure Fight [3.5] === === Mini Howies / Dear Dirk [3.6] === === These Sleeps Were Made for Walkin' / The Best Friends Synchronized Dance, Ice Sculpting, Costume and Explosions Competition [3.7] === === Don't Follow the Leader / The Snow-Tel [3.8] === === Luck Be a Robot / Family Business [3.9] === === No Howies Allowed / Howie Day [3.10] === === Sun Scream / It's Duck's Party [3.11] === === Father's Day / Hambo 1: Galactic Super Swine of the Wild West [3.12] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Flash animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] 8vpx0zeisgr42rd0okj1lsmh1gt0fxj 0 293619 3944647 3929709 2026-05-23T23:24:25Z ~2026-30963-99 3328439 /* Cast */ 3944647 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Smurfs (film)|Smurfs]]''''' is a 2025 American [[w:Computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:fantasy comedy|fantasy comedy]] film produced by [[w:Paramount Animation|Paramount Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Pictures]]. It is based on [[w:The Smurfs (comics)|The Smurfs]] comic book series created by the [[w:Belgium|Belgian]] comics artist [[w:Peyo|Peyo]] and is a [[w:Reboot (fiction)|reboot film]] of [[w:The Smurfs in film|''The Smurfs'' film series]]''. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]. Written by {{w|Pam Brady}}.'' {{center|'''Adventure comes out of the blue. '''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} {{film-stub}} ==[[Smurfette]] ([[Rihanna]])== * Come on, we Gotta rescue Papa! * You've got magic. * I think I just swallowed my gum. * Thank you, Sound Effects Smurf. * Razamel Was Here? * ''['''No Name Smurf:''' So you can just order any kind of food from anywhere?]'' * Absolutely, Just make sure you tip the driver ahead of time or they'll lick everything. * What? I'm a stress eater. * Let's show the real world what we're made of. * Let's go smurf that wizard up. * What the smurf?! ==No Name Smurf ([[James Corden]])== * ''[Starts To Float In The Air]'' What's Happening? * Deal With My Awesomeness! * Free Papa Smurf At Once! * ''['''Smurfette:''' You're Feeling better?]'' * '''No Name Smurf:''' Yeah, The Part With The Kangaroos Was A Little Weird Though. * I'm The Smurf Who's Gonna Kick Your Big Giant Butt Smurf! * That's The Difference Between You & Me Razamel, I'm Not Alone. ==[[Papa Smurf]] ([[John Goodman]])== * Yep, isn't it grand living in a place where nothing ever goes wrong? * You Seem To Have A Bee In Your Bonnet, What's On Your Mind No Name? * Everyone, listen to me! Your lives are in terrible danger! Smurf Village isn't safe anymore! * Now that's what I call a banger. ==Ken (Nick Offerman)== * I'm Papa Smurf's brother. * You Smurfs don't know smurf about smurf. ''['''Smurfette:''' I can smurf that smurf up and have it delivered to your house.]'' That sounds like a load of smurf. * Let me guess, Papa Smurf's in trouble. * This is the handiwork of the evil wizards, Gargamel, and his brother, Razamel. * We're storming Razamel's castle, and we take not prisoners! Except Papa Smurf, we'll make sure to take him. * You don't get a name until you earn it. * It's time for you to find out what a Smurf really is. * I Thought You Said The Magic Book Was Safe! ==Mama Poot ([[Natasha Lyonne]])== * Looks like you yahoos could use a lift. * If we don't stop these wizards, it'll mean the end of the world! * Way to kill the mood glasses! * ''['''No Name Smurf:''' Mama Poot! What Happened?]'' * Razamel Took Two Of My Snooterpoots & The Rest Of You Smurfs, He Just Took Them; He Took Them Back To His Castle. * ''['''Smurfette:''' Razamel Was Here?]'' * Oh Yes He Was, And He Just Made The Biggest Mistake Of His Miserable Little Life, You Still Want A Piece Of Him? * ''['''No Name Smurf:''' (He & Smurfette Look At Each Other & Nod) Oh Yeah].'' * Hold onto your little Smurf nubs! ==Razamel== * We're going to play a game called let's squish a Smurf till all you Smurfs are squashed! * I'm one step closer to total evil dominance! * ''[Opens The Door]'' Absolutely Not! * I Don't Care What You Call Yourself, One Lone Smurf Can't Take On The Whole Evil Enchilada! * ''['''No Name Smurf:''' That's The Difference Between You & Me Razamel, I'm Not Alone].'' ==Others== :'''No Name Smurf:''' So How Do You Handle That Smurfette? :'''Smurfette:''' Well I Just Think About All The Friends Who Love Me, And That I Love Back; And I Get The Strength To Keep On Keeping On. You'll Find Your Thing No Name, So Don't Give Up. :'''No Name Smurf:''' Thanks Smurfette, I Cherish Us. :'''Smurfette:''' I Cherish Us Too... Infinity! :'''No Name Smurf:''' I Cherish You Infinity Times Infinity Plus One. :'''Smurfette:''' It's Not A Competition, But If It Was, I'd Cherish You Infinity Times Infinity Plus One Times Pi Times Infinity, And I'd Win. (Chuckles). :'''Worry Smurf:''' I think I just smurfed my pants. :'''Papa Smurf:''' [Laughs] You Seem To Have A Bee In Your Bonnet, What's On Your Mind No Name? :'''No Name Smurf:''' It Took 10,248 Tries But I Did It, I Finally Found My Thing. :'''Papa Smurf:''' Well, That's Fantastic, What Is It? :'''No Name Smurf:''' I Know You Said Smurfs Can't Do Magic, But I Can; It's The Thing I Really Wanted! :'''Papa Smurf:''' (Chuckles) Hey, What Are You Talking About? :'''Smurfette:''' He Never Stopped Trying To Find His Thing And I'm So Proud: Show Him! : :'''Moxie Smurf:''' We're the International Neighborhood Watch Smurfs, Paris division. <hr width=50%> :'''Turtle:''' Run away! <hr width=50%> :'''Grouchy Smurf:''' I hate having a job. <hr width=50%> :'''No Name Smurf:''' Mama Poot! What Happened? :'''Mama Poot:''' Razamel Took Two Of My Snooterpoots & The Rest Of You Smurfs, He Just Took Them; He Took Them Back To His Castle. :'''Smurfette:''' Razamel Was Here? :'''Mama Poot:''' Oh Yes He Was, And He Just Made The Biggest Mistake Of His Miserable Little Life, You Still Want A Piece Of Him? :'''Papa Smurf:''' The Book Is Still Safe, But Why Are My Smurfs Here: It's Way Too Dangerous. :'''Ken:''' Well Maybe If You Hadn't Been Hiding Away In Smurf Village For The Past 100 Years, None Of Us Would Be In Trouble. :'''Papa Smurf:''' You Know I Had My Reasons For That! :'''Ken:''' Do You Think Ron Would Have Just Walked Away?! :'''Smurfs:''' Uhh, Who's Ron?! :'''Ken:''' I Thought You Said The Magic Book Was Safe! :'''Razamel:''' Now, I Won't Ask You Again: Give Me That Baby Book. :'''Papa Smurf:''' No! :'''Razamel:''' No?! :'''Hefty Smurf:''' That doesn't sound like a fun game. :'''Tardigrade:''' I Just Want A Friend: Will You Stay Here With Me Forever? :'''Razamel:''' ''[Opens The Door]'' Absolutely Not! <hr width=50%> :'''Vanity Smurf:''' I always make time. :'''Razamel:''' What Are You Doing? Smurfette, I Command You To Help Me At Once, You're An Evil Wizard And And Always Will Be! :'''Smurfette:''' Not True, Who I Am Is Up To Me. I Decide: I Am A Smurf. :'''No Name Smurf:''' We May Be Small, We May Be Adorable, But Don't Mistake Our Kindness For Weakness. :'''Papa Smurf:''' Because Kindness Always Wins: Unite In Smurfitude! ==Dialogue== == Taglines == * [[Rihanna]] is Smurfette. * Smurf it up. * Get this search party started. * Adventure comes out of the blue. * Blonde hair don't care. (Smurfette) * Blue kid on the block. (No Name) * Papa like it's hot. (Papa Smurf) * Love that Ken-ergy. (Ken) * Double trouble. (Gargamel and Razamel) * Don't blue my cover. (Moxie Smurf) * Poot! There it is! (Mama Poot) * Do you even lift bro? (Hefty Smurf) * Talk nerdy to me. (Brainy Smurf) * I think this movie's about me. (Vanity Smurf) * Why, what have you heard? (Worry Smurf) * Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo. (Sound Effects Smurf) * Short king. (Ron) * Beware of the cat. (Azrael) * Slow your roll (Turtle) * Don't get left on read. (Jaunty) * He's so cringe. (Joel) * Tiny dancer (Tardrigrade) * Hex yeah. (Asmodius) * Sharp shooter. (Chernobog) * Talk witchy to me. (Jezebeth) ==Cast== {{col-begin}} {{col-3}} * [[Rihanna]]/Yuuki Luna - [[w:Smurfette|Smurfette]] * {{w|James Corden}}/Daisuke Tauji - No Name * [[John Goodman]] - [[w:Papa Smurf|Papa Smurf]] * {{w|Nick Offerman}} - Ken * {{w|J. P. Karliak}} - [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]/Razamel ** Keisuke Hoashi (Raz) * [[w:Dan Levy (Canadian actor)|Dan Levy]] - Joel * {{w|Amy Sedaris}} - Jaunty * [[Natasha Lyonne]] - Mama Poot {{col-3}} * [[Sandra Oh]] - Moxie Smurf * [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Tardigrade * [[Octavia Spencer]] - Asmodius * {{w|Nick Kroll}} - Chernobog * {{w|Hannah Waddingham}} - Jezebeth * {{w|Alex Winter}} - Hefty Smurf * {{w|Maya Erskine}} - Vanity Smurf * [[Kurt Russell]] - Ron {{col-3}} * {{w|Xolo Maridueña}} - Brainy Smurf * Hugo Miller - Clumsy Smurf * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] - Grouchy Smurf * {{w|Billie Lourd}} - Worry Smurf * {{w|Marshmello}} - Turtle * Spencer X - Sound Effects Smurf * {{w|Chris Prynoski}} - Way Back There Smurf/Quiet Smurf {{col-end}} ==See also== * ''[[The Smurfs (film)|The Smurfs]]'', a 2011 film also directed by Raja Gosnell * ''[[The Smurfs 2]]'', a 2013 sequel film also directed by Raja Gosnell * ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2025 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2025 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] [[Category:Films set in Paris]] [[Category:Films set in the Outback]] [[Category:Films set in Munich]] [[Category:Reboot films]] [[Category:Animated films about wizards]] [[Category:The Smurfs films]] p5s25s12i07skk25ot1bzvir3d3lvnl 3944665 3944647 2026-05-24T00:23:00Z Bszabo15 1085757 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3944647|3944647]] by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-30963-99|~2026-30963-99]] ([[User talk:~2026-30963-99|talk]]) 3944665 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Smurfs (film)|Smurfs]]''''' is a 2025 American [[w:Computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:fantasy comedy|fantasy comedy]] film produced by [[w:Paramount Animation|Paramount Animation]] and distributed by [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Pictures]]. It is based on [[w:The Smurfs (comics)|The Smurfs]] comic book series created by the [[w:Belgium|Belgian]] comics artist [[w:Peyo|Peyo]] and is a [[w:Reboot (fiction)|reboot film]] of [[w:The Smurfs in film|''The Smurfs'' film series]]''. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]. Written by {{w|Pam Brady}}.'' {{center|'''Adventure comes out of the blue. '''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} {{film-stub}} ==[[Smurfette]] ([[Rihanna]])== * Come on, we Gotta rescue Papa! * You've got magic. * I think I just swallowed my gum. * Thank you, Sound Effects Smurf. * Razamel Was Here? * ''['''No Name Smurf:''' So you can just order any kind of food from anywhere?]'' * Absolutely, Just make sure you tip the driver ahead of time or they'll lick everything. * What? I'm a stress eater. * Let's show the real world what we're made of. * Let's go smurf that wizard up. * What the smurf?! ==No Name Smurf ([[James Corden]])== * ''[Starts To Float In The Air]'' What's Happening? * Deal With My Awesomeness! * Free Papa Smurf At Once! * ''['''Smurfette:''' You're Feeling better?]'' * '''No Name Smurf:''' Yeah, The Part With The Kangaroos Was A Little Weird Though. * I'm The Smurf Who's Gonna Kick Your Big Giant Butt Smurf! * That's The Difference Between You & Me Razamel, I'm Not Alone. ==[[Papa Smurf]] ([[John Goodman]])== * Yep, isn't it grand living in a place where nothing ever goes wrong? * You Seem To Have A Bee In Your Bonnet, What's On Your Mind No Name? * Everyone, listen to me! Your lives are in terrible danger! Smurf Village isn't safe anymore! * Now that's what I call a banger. ==Ken (Nick Offerman)== * I'm Papa Smurf's brother. * You Smurfs don't know smurf about smurf. ''['''Smurfette:''' I can smurf that smurf up and have it delivered to your house.]'' That sounds like a load of smurf. * Let me guess, Papa Smurf's in trouble. * This is the handiwork of the evil wizards, Gargamel, and his brother, Razamel. * We're storming Razamel's castle, and we take not prisoners! Except Papa Smurf, we'll make sure to take him. * You don't get a name until you earn it. * It's time for you to find out what a Smurf really is. * I Thought You Said The Magic Book Was Safe! ==Mama Poot ([[Natasha Lyonne]])== * Looks like you yahoos could use a lift. * If we don't stop these wizards, it'll mean the end of the world! * Way to kill the mood glasses! * ''['''No Name Smurf:''' Mama Poot! What Happened?]'' * Razamel Took Two Of My Snooterpoots & The Rest Of You Smurfs, He Just Took Them; He Took Them Back To His Castle. * ''['''Smurfette:''' Razamel Was Here?]'' * Oh Yes He Was, And He Just Made The Biggest Mistake Of His Miserable Little Life, You Still Want A Piece Of Him? * ''['''No Name Smurf:''' (He & Smurfette Look At Each Other & Nod) Oh Yeah].'' * Hold onto your little Smurf nubs! ==Razamel== * We're going to play a game called let's squish a Smurf till all you Smurfs are squashed! * I'm one step closer to total evil dominance! * ''[Opens The Door]'' Absolutely Not! * I Don't Care What You Call Yourself, One Lone Smurf Can't Take On The Whole Evil Enchilada! * ''['''No Name Smurf:''' That's The Difference Between You & Me Razamel, I'm Not Alone].'' ==Others== :'''No Name Smurf:''' So How Do You Handle That Smurfette? :'''Smurfette:''' Well I Just Think About All The Friends Who Love Me, And That I Love Back; And I Get The Strength To Keep On Keeping On. You'll Find Your Thing No Name, So Don't Give Up. :'''No Name Smurf:''' Thanks Smurfette, I Cherish Us. :'''Smurfette:''' I Cherish Us Too... Infinity! :'''No Name Smurf:''' I Cherish You Infinity Times Infinity Plus One. :'''Smurfette:''' It's Not A Competition, But If It Was, I'd Cherish You Infinity Times Infinity Plus One Times Pi Times Infinity, And I'd Win. (Chuckles). :'''Worry Smurf:''' I think I just smurfed my pants. :'''Papa Smurf:''' [Laughs] You Seem To Have A Bee In Your Bonnet, What's On Your Mind No Name? :'''No Name Smurf:''' It Took 10,248 Tries But I Did It, I Finally Found My Thing. :'''Papa Smurf:''' Well, That's Fantastic, What Is It? :'''No Name Smurf:''' I Know You Said Smurfs Can't Do Magic, But I Can; It's The Thing I Really Wanted! :'''Papa Smurf:''' (Chuckles) Hey, What Are You Talking About? :'''Smurfette:''' He Never Stopped Trying To Find His Thing And I'm So Proud: Show Him! : :'''Moxie Smurf:''' We're the International Neighborhood Watch Smurfs, Paris division. <hr width=50%> :'''Turtle:''' Run away! <hr width=50%> :'''Grouchy Smurf:''' I hate having a job. <hr width=50%> :'''No Name Smurf:''' Mama Poot! What Happened? :'''Mama Poot:''' Razamel Took Two Of My Snooterpoots & The Rest Of You Smurfs, He Just Took Them; He Took Them Back To His Castle. :'''Smurfette:''' Razamel Was Here? :'''Mama Poot:''' Oh Yes He Was, And He Just Made The Biggest Mistake Of His Miserable Little Life, You Still Want A Piece Of Him? :'''Papa Smurf:''' The Book Is Still Safe, But Why Are My Smurfs Here: It's Way Too Dangerous. :'''Ken:''' Well Maybe If You Hadn't Been Hiding Away In Smurf Village For The Past 100 Years, None Of Us Would Be In Trouble. :'''Papa Smurf:''' You Know I Had My Reasons For That! :'''Ken:''' Do You Think Ron Would Have Just Walked Away?! :'''Smurfs:''' Uhh, Who's Ron?! :'''Ken:''' I Thought You Said The Magic Book Was Safe! :'''Razamel:''' Now, I Won't Ask You Again: Give Me That Baby Book. :'''Papa Smurf:''' No! :'''Razamel:''' No?! :'''Hefty Smurf:''' That doesn't sound like a fun game. :'''Tardigrade:''' I Just Want A Friend: Will You Stay Here With Me Forever? :'''Razamel:''' ''[Opens The Door]'' Absolutely Not! <hr width=50%> :'''Vanity Smurf:''' I always make time. :'''Razamel:''' What Are You Doing? Smurfette, I Command You To Help Me At Once, You're An Evil Wizard And And Always Will Be! :'''Smurfette:''' Not True, Who I Am Is Up To Me. I Decide: I Am A Smurf. :'''No Name Smurf:''' We May Be Small, We May Be Adorable, But Don't Mistake Our Kindness For Weakness. :'''Papa Smurf:''' Because Kindness Always Wins: Unite In Smurfitude! ==Dialogue== == Taglines == * [[Rihanna]] is Smurfette. * Smurf it up. * Get this search party started. * Adventure comes out of the blue. * Blonde hair don't care. (Smurfette) * Blue kid on the block. (No Name) * Papa like it's hot. (Papa Smurf) * Love that Ken-ergy. (Ken) * Double trouble. (Gargamel and Razamel) * Don't blue my cover. (Moxie Smurf) * Poot! There it is! (Mama Poot) * Do you even lift bro? (Hefty Smurf) * Talk nerdy to me. (Brainy Smurf) * I think this movie's about me. (Vanity Smurf) * Why, what have you heard? (Worry Smurf) * Wee-woo-wee-woo-wee-woo. (Sound Effects Smurf) * Short king. (Ron) * Beware of the cat. (Azrael) * Slow your roll (Turtle) * Don't get left on read. (Jaunty) * He's so cringe. (Joel) * Tiny dancer (Tardrigrade) * Hex yeah. (Asmodius) * Sharp shooter. (Chernobog) * Talk witchy to me. (Jezebeth) ==Cast== {{col-begin}} {{col-3}} * [[Rihanna]] - [[w:Smurfette|Smurfette]] * {{w|James Corden}} - No Name * [[John Goodman]] - [[w:Papa Smurf|Papa Smurf]] * {{w|Nick Offerman}} - Ken * {{w|J. P. Karliak}} - [[w:Gargamel|Gargamel]]/Razamel * [[w:Dan Levy (Canadian actor)|Dan Levy]] - Joel * {{w|Amy Sedaris}} - Jaunty * [[Natasha Lyonne]] - Mama Poot {{col-3}} * [[Sandra Oh]] - Moxie Smurf * [[Jimmy Kimmel]] - Tardigrade * [[Octavia Spencer]] - Asmodius * {{w|Nick Kroll}} - Chernobog * {{w|Hannah Waddingham}} - Jezebeth * {{w|Alex Winter}} - Hefty Smurf * {{w|Maya Erskine}} - Vanity Smurf * [[Kurt Russell]] - Ron {{col-3}} * {{w|Xolo Maridueña}} - Brainy Smurf * Hugo Miller - Clumsy Smurf * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] - Grouchy Smurf * {{w|Billie Lourd}} - Worry Smurf * {{w|Marshmello}} - Turtle * Spencer X - Sound Effects Smurf * {{w|Chris Prynoski}} - Way Back There Smurf/Quiet Smurf {{col-end}} ==See also== * ''[[The Smurfs (film)|The Smurfs]]'', a 2011 film also directed by Raja Gosnell * ''[[The Smurfs 2]]'', a 2013 sequel film also directed by Raja Gosnell * ''[[Smurfs: The Lost Village]]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2025 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2025 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Animated films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] [[Category:Films set in Paris]] [[Category:Films set in the Outback]] [[Category:Films set in Munich]] [[Category:Reboot films]] [[Category:Animated films about wizards]] [[Category:The Smurfs films]] 40z3kox5gi03btwbro289nj0qch7ym0 0 293820 3944495 3906513 2026-05-23T13:49:25Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944495 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jack Parsons 2.jpg|thumb|Jack Parsons]] '''[[w:Jack Parsons|John Whiteside Parsons]]''' (born '''Marvel Whiteside Parsons'''; October 2, 1914 – June 17, 1952) was an American [[w:Aerospace engineering|rocket engineer]], [[w:chemist|chemist]], and [[w:Thelemite|Thelemite occultist]]. Parsons was one of the principal founders of both the [[w:Jet Propulsion Laboratory|Jet Propulsion Laboratory]] (JPL) and [[w:Aerojet|Aerojet]]. He invented the first [[w:rocket engine|rocket engine]] to use a [[w:Castability|castable]], [[w:Composite material|composite]] [[w:rocket propellant|rocket propellant]], and pioneered the advancement of both [[w:Liquid-fuel rocket|liquid-fuel]] and [[w:Solid-fuel rocket|solid-fuel]] rockets. {{engineer-stub}} == Quotes == * [[Science]], that was going to save the world in [[H. G. Wells]]' time, is regimented, strait-jacketed, scared shitless, its universal language diminished to one word, security. ** Reported in [[w:George Pendle|George Pendle]], ''Strange Angel: The Otherworldly Life of Rocket Scientist John Whiteside Parsons'' (Harcourt, 2005) p. 290 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Parsons, Jack}} [[Category:1914 births]] [[Category:1952 deaths]] [[Category:Chemists from the United States]] [[Category:Poets from the United States]] [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:Anti-communists]] [[Category:Stanford University alumni]] [[Category:Inventors]] [[Category:Aerospace engineers from the United States]] [[Category:Occultists]] [[Category:People from California]] [[Category:Socialites from the United States]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] nxys0jpfi34u643cgdgxsmro0v121cq 0 301132 3944546 3941571 2026-05-23T17:45:08Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 /* Cast */ 3944546 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{SpongeBob header}} '''''[[w:The SpongeBob Movie: Search for SquarePants|The SpongeBob Movie: Search for SquarePants]]''''' is a 2025 American [[w:Live action|live-action]]/[[w:Computer animation|computer-animated]] [[w:Adventure film|adventure]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] based on the [[w:|animated television series]] ''[[SpongeBob SquarePants]]''. The plot follows [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob]] on a quest to prove his bravery by adventuring with the ghost pirate, The Flying Dutchman, through the Underworld. :''Directed by [[w:Derek Drymon|Derek Drymon]]. Produced by [[w:Pam Brady|Pam Brady]] and [[w:Matt Lieberman|Matt Lieberman]]. Screenplay by [[w:Marc Ceccarelli|Marc Ceccarelli]], [[w:Kaz (cartoonist)|Kaz]] and Pam Brady.'' {{center|'''They're gonna need a bigger screen.'''{{small|([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}}} {{film-stub}} ==[[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob SquarePants]]== * I'm ready! * The hero's journey starts with one squish. * The Flying Dutchman?! The most pants-wettingly scariest ghost to ever roam the high seas? ''[a brick falls out of his pants]'' Oh, my lucky brick. ==[[w:Patrick Star|Patrick Star]]== * I thought you were a big guy. * Well, that's weird. * I don't have a lucky brick. ==[[w:Mr. Krabs|Mr. Krabs]]== * The Dutchman's taken SpongeBob to the deepest, most dangerous part of the sea: the Underworld. * SpongeBob's in danger! We gotta go save him! ==[[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]]== * Under-where? Hah. Underwear. Ha ha ha. * There's always time for a solo. ==The Flying Dutchman== * I'm taking you to the Underworld! * A trip to the Underworld is not for the faint of heart! * He's the key to unlocking my curse! ==Barb== * He's distracting the fool. Their friendship is a problem. * What is happening...? ==Dialogue== ** ''[The movie starts with the Paramount Animation with the flower clouds replacing the stars, Nickelodeon Movies, and Domain Entertainment logos as the waves start crashing zooming inside the pirate ship.]'' ** '''Pirate narrator:''' Once upon a time, long, long ago-- ** ''[The waves suddenly makes the ship rotates up and down, making the pirate holds something before it falls off, and continue the story.]'' ** '''Pirate narrator:''' Once upon a time, long, long ago-- Aw, come on! ** ''[The waves once again suddenly makes the ship rotates up and down, making the pirate had enough and puts an anchor preventing him being moved.]'' ** '''Pirate narrator:''' Once upon a time, long, long ago, one unlucky sailor fell under an ancient, wicked, cursed. And thusly, he became known. As the dreaded Flying Dutchman... (Thunder strucks) Legend has it, the only way to lift his curse is through the pure heart of an innocent. Henceforth, the Flying Dutchman is doomed to wander the seas in search of this magical soul. A precious youth with an innocent mind. Will he find this soul? (Thunder strucks) Does such a soul even exist? ** ''[Cut to black. SpongeBob laughs. Title card fades in.]'' ** '''Spooky voices:''' Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ** ''[Flying Dutchman laughs evilly. The scene transitions through the life bouy in the logo to Bikini Bottom, and then a clam crows. We see that SpongeBob is still sleeping until the foghorn hits 8 a.m. Then, the foghorn wakes SpongeBob up.]'' ** '''Foghorn:''' Good morning! This is Rocket Fuel Randy on BKNI 101, and I got the jet fuel to get you rocking! Are you ready to get the day started? ** '''SpongeBob:''' I'm ready. ** ''[Oh Yeah by Yello is playing. SpongeBob throw his blanket at Gary, who is still sleeping. SpongeBob dances and whooping with his jelly catcher net.]'' ** '''Foghorn:''' Big things are happening today! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Today's the day. I just know it. ** '''Foghorn:''' Things feel different. ** '''SpongeBob:''' My whole life is about to change. (He throws his jelly catcher net near Gary.) ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' I know I said that yesterday, Gary. ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' And the day before. ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' And a bunch of days before that. But today is different. (He unties the rope and opens the curtain, who reveal his height measure before he reveal it to Gary.) ** '''Foghorn:''' Big things in store. ** ''[Gary measures SpongeBob's height]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Well, what's it say, Gary? ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' What? That can't be. ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Gary, what's it really say? ** '''Gary:''' Meow-ow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' (angrily) Gary! ** ''[Gary goes to the top of SpongeBob's head to check what height does SpongeBob really is. While Gary is checking SpongeBob is scared to reveal his actual height.]'' ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' (excited) Whoooooo! Do you know what this means? ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' For the last time, we are not rehoming you. No, this means I'm exactly 36 clams high! ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' I know it doesn't seem like much, Gary, but that half a clam I grew changes everything. ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** '''SpongeBob:''' That's right Gary-licious. Everyone's gonna look at me in a brand new way. ** ''[SpongeBob runs to his alarm clock, and turns it on, which starts playing the "Big Guy" song.]'' ** '''Ice Spice:''' (rapping) Big guy. Big guy. Big, big guy. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Because now... I'm a big guy. ** ''[SpongeBob throws some stuff and a sock that lands on Gary's eyes.]'' ** '''Ice Spice:''' (rapping) SpongeBob BigGuy Pants, okay; Tight fit, square hips; Doing a dance in my big guy pants ** ''[SpongeBob blow bubbles that says: "Big guy". ]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Big guy. ** ''[Scene cuts to the bathroom where SpongeBob is taking a shower.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Big guy. ** ''[Scene cuts to the kitchen where SpongeBob pouring some cereal into a bowl.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Big guy. ** ''[Scene cuts to the workout room where SpongeBob trying to lift some heavy stuffies that he added.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Big guy. ** ''[Scene cuts to the living room where SpongeBob off to work and Gary is taking a nap.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' (rap song stops playing) Well, catch you later, Gare-Bare. I'm off to do some important stuff that only big guys like are allowed to do. (He puts his hat lower so he can "fit" into the door) ** '''SpongeBob:''' Whew. We're gonna need a bigger doorway. (He closes the door) ** '''Gary:''' Meow. ** ''[Scene cuts to outside where Squidward is playing his clarinet.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Morning, Squidward! Want to hear my big news? ** '''Squidward:''' Oh, sure. Let me go mark some time on my calendar. (He scoffs, then closes his window) ** '''SpongeBob:''' Great! Let me know when! (whistles) Good morning, Patrick! ** '''Patricka:''' Good morning! Who are you? ** '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, it's me! ** '''Patrick:''' (grunts) Grandma? You're upside down! ** '''SpongeBob:''' No, Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob. ** '''Patrick:''' You can't be SpongeBob. He's more diminutive. ** '''SpongeBob:''' He's what? ** '''Patrick:''' Of reduced stature. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Come again? ** '''Patrick:''' Vertically challenged. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Say what now? ** '''Patrick:''' He's shorter. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, I can't believe all I do is grow a half a barnacle overnight, and now I'm 36 clams tall and you don't even recognize your own best friend! ** '''Patrick:''' Did you say you're 36 clams tall? ** '''SpongeBob:''' (sobbing) Yes! ** '''Patrick:''' (straining) You're a big guy now! ** '''SpongeBob:''' This guy's a big guy! ** '''Patrick:''' So big! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Really big! ** '''Patrick:''' Big, big, big! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Guy, guy, guy! ** '''Patrick:''' Big, big, big! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Guy, guy, guy! ** '''Patrick:''' Big, big, big! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Guy, guy, guy! (Squidward groans) ** '''Patrick:''' Big, big, big! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Guy, guy, guy! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Look out, everyone, really big. ** '''Patrick:''' Really guy. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Hey, Sandy, notice anything different about me? ** ''[Scene cuts to the Sandy where she is running in her squirrel wheel]'' ** '''Sandy:''' (panting) Howdy, SpongeBob. Did you get a new pair of shoes? ** ''[SpongeBob and Patrick laugh together]'' ** '''Plankton:''' Ouch! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Hi, Plankton. ** '''Plankton:''' Watch where you're going, you big dummy! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Oh, thanks for noticing. ** '''Plankton:''' Wait, no! Ow! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick, I've never felt so respected before. ** '''Patrick:''' Get used to it, buddy. And do you know what the best part of being a big guy is? ** '''SpongeBob:''' (chuckles) What is it, Patrick? ** '''Patrick:''' No, I'm asking. ** '''SpongeBob:''' It means I finally get to do what every little guy dreams of doing when they grow up. ** '''Patrick:''' You don't mean... ** '''SpongeBob:''' That's right. Ride the big guy coaster at Captain Booty Beard's Fun Park! ** '''Both:''' Whoo-hoo! ** '''SpongeBob:''' This calls for an extra-special bubble blow. ** ''[SpongeBob and Patrick blow bubbles and transform into themselves and hugs. They do the same as the bubble, giggling.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' To Captain Booty Beard's! ** '''Both:''' Whoo-hoo! ** '''Patrick:''' Gimme a "big"! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Big! ** '''Patrick:''' Gimme a "guy"! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Guy! ** '''Patrick:''' What does that spell? ** '''SpongeBob:''' 36 clams high! ** ''[Scene cuts to the theme park where SpongeBob and Patrick said earlier.]'' ** '''Security:''' (Child grunts) Don't waste my time, squirt. (Child groans) Next. ** ''[SpongeBob and Patrick is giggling so much as they cannot wait to enter]'' ** '''Security:''' (groans) You again. (She checks SpongeBob's height) Congratulations. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick? ** '''Patrick:''' It's official. ** ''[SpongeBob and Patrick screams in happiness]'' ** '''Security:''' Don't make me call security. ** '''Both:''' Whoo-hoo! (giggling) ** ''[As they approach to the roller coaster, SpongeBob looks at the ride. He finds that the ride looks too scary for him.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Patrick? ** ''[But Patrick still excited and brings SpongeBob to the ride, whoops and screams while he's grabbing SpongeBob.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Wait a minute! ** '''Patrick:''' Huh? What's the matter? I thought you were a big guy. ** '''SpongeBob:''' I am! I mean... (deep voice) I am. (normal) I just, uh, promised someone else that I'd ride with them, (chuckles) that's all. ** '''Patrick:''' Oh, yeah? Who? ** '''SpongeBob:''' (stammers) The guy who-- I-- Mr. Krabs! ** '''Patrick:''' Oh. That makes sense ** '''SpongeBob:''' Phew. ** '''Patrick:''' Let's go get him! ** ''[Patrick grabs SpongeBob and searching Mr. Krabs around Bikini Bottom]'' ** '''Patrick:''' Heads up, Mr. Krabs! It's time to ride the Shipwreck! Whoo-hoo! ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' What are ya talking about, Patrick? ** '''Patrick:''' The roller coaster! Get your head in the game. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Remember that big, terrifying roller coaster? ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Nope. ** '''SpongeBob:''' We had a deal to ride it together. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Nope. ** '''SpongeBob:''' So I couldn't ride it if you were too busy to ride it with me. (exclaims) ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Wha-- ** ''[Patrick explaining about the roller coaster with his hands]'' ** '''Patrick:''' Shipwreck! ** ''[Mr. Krabs is thinking about the roller coaster deal until he remembers it]'' ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Oh, right! Our old roller coaster deal. Of course, yeah. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Phew. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' But, uh, we can't go today, lad. Things are too busy around here. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Oh. Hear that, Patrick? Mr.-- ** ''[Patrick still explaining about the roller coaster with his hands until he falls]'' ** '''Patrick:''' Shipwreck! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Thanks for covering for me, Mr. Krabs. I don't know why I got so scared when I saw the roller coaster. I thought it was big enough. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Just 'cause you're taller don't mean you're a big guy. ** '''SpongeBob:''' It doesn't? ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Big guys are rough and tumble. They don't blow bubbles. ** '''SpongeBob:''' I guess not. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Being scared of roller coasters ain't nothing to be ashamed of. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Glad you understand. You must've been scared of roller coasters, too, when you were my age. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Well, I wouldn't really-- ** '''SpongeBob:''' You were probably hiding-under-the-bed kind of scared, weren't you? ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Well, I, uh-- ** '''SpongeBob:''' Maybe even cwyin'-fo'-mama kind of scared. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' I wasn't crying for mama! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Poopy-pee-pee-in-my-pantsy kind of scared. (laughs) Am I right? ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Get it straight, SpongeBob! My pants were clean! 'Cause nothing ever scared me... and nothing ever will! ** '''SpongeBob:''' But didn't say being scared wasn't anything to be ashamed of? ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' It ain't! For you. But I'm different. I wasn't blowing bubbles at your age. I was risking me life on the high seas! (adventurous music playing and everybody gasps) I ate danger for breakfast! Peril for lunch! And adventure for dinner! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Wha-wha-wha-- Really? ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' That's right! I was in command of me own vessel, and sailed many a dangerous miles. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Tell me about your greatest adventure. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' What if I told you I sailed with Flying Dutchman himself? ** '''SpongeBob:''' The Flying Dutchman? The most pants-wettingly scariest ghost to ever roam the high seas? Oh, my lucky brick. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Aye! Like many a young sailor before me, I longed for adventure. And that's when I met the Dutchman's hornpipe appeared. (hornpipe blowing) I summoned the cursed pirate, and journeyed with him to the deepest part of the sea. A nightmare realm called the Underworld. (roars)(SpongeBob gulps) It was filled with ghostly pirates, haunted hurricanes, terrifying monsters! Roar! (SpongeBob: Whoa!) I faced 'em all with steel in me backbone and a cutlass in me claw! (exclaims) It was the greatest adventure of me life! ** '''SpongeBob:''' Wow! You're almost like a real swashbuckler! ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Almost? I am a real swashbuckler! How do you think I earned this baby? ** ''[Mr. Krabs showing his swashbuckler certificate to SpongeBob]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' What is that? ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' It's a Swashbuckler Certificate. It means I proved my bravery, courageousness, daring, panache, guts, grit, moxie, and intestinal fortitude. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Well, that's it! I'd be a big guy if i could earn my Swashbuckler Certificate. And you could teach me! ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Teach you? To be a swashbuckler? I don't mean to laugh in your face, but... (laughs) you're too scared to even ride a roller coaster! ** '''SpongeBob:''' I can do it. I want to be a brave swashbuckler like you. I'm ready. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' SpongeBob, you're just a bubble-blowing baby boy who's not ready. ** '''SpongeBob:''' But-- ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Butts are for toilets! Speaking of which, the heads need swabbing, so git! And no more talk about being a swashbuckler. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Aww... ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' (echoes) You're not ready... not ready... not ready... not ready...not ready...not ready... ** ''[Scene cut to Patrick puts a toilet paper in his head and puts the paper, then puts the paper into the toilet, flush. He even laughs while he's doing it. While Patrick doing his behavior, SpongeBob wrote what kind of habits he needs for the Swashbuckler Certificate.]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' Bravery. Courage. I got to learn this stuff if I'm gonna prove myself to Mr. Krabs. ** '''Patrick:''' You got this, SpongeBob. (giggles) Uh-oh. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Now what else did he say I needed? ** '''Patrick:''' Daring. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Oh, right. Daring. ** '''Patrick:''' Guts. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Definitely need those. ** '''Patrick:''' Panache. Moxie. ** '''Patrick:''' Intestinal fortitude. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Okay, okay! Slow down! ** '''Patrick:''' You spelled "fortitude" wrong. It's F-O-R-T-I-T-U-D-E. (SpongeBob gasps) ** '''SpongeBob:''' Mr. Krabs's certificate! Why do you have this? ** '''Patrick:''' I always read it on the bathroom. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Hmm. I know I can do this. I just need a chance to do it! I just need to prove it! (echoes) ** ''[A green light appears in front of SpongeBob and Patrick from a vent]'' ** '''Patrick:''' Well, that's weird. (wind gustles) ** '''SpongeBob:''' Oh, shrimp! The certificate! ** '''Patrick:''' Mr. Krabs won't like that. ** '''SpongeBob:''' W-- we got to get it, right? ** '''Patrick:''' I.. I'm not going in there. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Yeah, you'd have to be pretty brave to go in there. Hey, wait a minute! Patrick, this is it! ** '''Patrick:''' It is? ** '''SpongeBob:''' Destiny is squeezing my buns. Do you feel it? ** '''Patrick:''' Yeah! ** '''SpongeBob:''' This vent is just what I need to start earning my Swashbuckler Certificate. ** '''Patrick:''' You mean the one we lost? ** '''SpongeBob:''' Oh, yes, that one, but also the one I'm gonna earn. ** '''Patrick:''' We lost two of them down there? ** '''SpongeBob:''' The hero's journey starts with one squish. (grunts) ** '''Patrick:''' Right behind you. (strains) I'll catch up. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Ooh. Side adventure. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Hmm, left or right? ** '''Creature:''' Mmm... (SpongeBob screams) ** '''SpongeBob:''' Left! Definitely left! (panics) Ow! (gasps) This must lead to the basement. This must go deeper than the basement. Wha-- Where am I? (clicks) ** ''[SpongeBob is shocked about Mr. Krabs's secret swashbuckler basement]'' ** '''SpongeBob:''' (gasps) (gasps) (gasps loudly) This must be Mr. Krabs's swashbuckler sanctum. Ooh, look at that. And that. And that. And that! And that! And that! And that! And that! And that! And that! And that! And that! (exclaims) ** '''Patrick:''' Hi. ** '''SpongeBob:''' Argh! ** '''Patrick:''' Ahoy! ** '''SpongeBob:''' (grunts) ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Huh? That sounds like... Oh, no! (pops out of the bottle, runs out of his office) ** '''Squidward:''' (reading a magazine at his workstation until Mr. Krabs runs up.) Huh? (yells as Mr. Krabs opens up the workstation boat to a hatch going down the stairs to the basement) SpongeBob! (runs down-stairs) Get out of there! ** (W.I.P) ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' (running down the stairs to rescue SpongeBob) SpongeBob, I'm comin'! ** '''Chorus:''' (singing) Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! ** [Squidward stops in front of a painting resembling lots of stairs] ** '''Squidward:''' Weird place for a painting. ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' Move it, Squidward! ** '''Chorus:''' (singing as Mr. Krabs and Squidward continue to run down the stairs) Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! ** (W.I.P) ** '''Mr. Krabs:''' I know you are. Because if you don't, I'll demote you to fry cook. (angrily points at Squidward) Permanently! ** '''Squidward:''' But the grease enflames my acne! (panicked sobbing as he imagines being demoted to fry-cook with two spatulas in his hands while a red pimple is shown on his nose, then screams as the red pimple pops.) ==Taglines== * Arrrr you ready? * Ship's about to go down. * Near, far, wherever the pirates arrr. * They're gonna need a bigger screen. * This Christmas, they are in deep ship. * Get ready for a yellow Christmas. ==Cast== * [[Tom Kenny]] — [[w:SpongeBob SquarePants (character)|SpongeBob]] and [[w:List of SpongeBob SquarePants characters#Gary the Snail|Gary the Snail]] * [[Clancy Brown]] — [[w:Mr. Krabs|Mr. Krabs]] * [[Rodger Bumpass]] — [[w:Squidward Tentacles|Squidward Tentacles]] * [[Bill Fagerbakke]] — [[w:Patrick Star|Patrick]] * [[Carolyn Lawrence]] — [[w:Sandy Cheeks|Sandy Cheeks]] * [[Mr. Lawrence]] — [[w:Plankton and Karen|Plankton]] * [[w:Regina Hall|Regina Hall]] — Barb * [[Mark Hamill]] — [[w:List of SpongeBob SquarePants characters#The Flying Dutchman|The Flying Dutchman]] * [[George Lopez (comedian)|George Lopez]] — JK Fishlips * [[w:Ice Spice|Isis Gaston]] — The Ticket Taker * [[w:Arturo Castro (Guatemalan actor)|Arturo Castro]] — The Ride Operator * [[w:Sherry Cola|Sherry Cola]] — The Studio Spokesperson ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|23572848}} {{SpongeBob SquarePants}} {{DEFAULTSORT:SpongeBob Movie 4, The: Search for SquarePants}} [[Category:2025 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2025 animated films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American animated adventure films]] [[Category:American animated comedy films]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] [[Category:Pirate films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants (film series)]] [[Category:Nickelodeon films]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] [[Category:Animated films about fish]] [[Category:Ghost films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Films directed by Derek Drymon]] iuylfsokoibitlyoyaegedplhkcawma 0 301391 3944509 3944229 2026-05-23T15:18:33Z ~2026-30915-11 3328135 /* Caillou Joins the Circus (Eternally Suspended, Banned, and Censored Episode) [1.2c] */ 3944509 wikitext text/x-wiki ==Season 1 (1997-1999)== ===Caillou Makes Cookies [1.1a]=== :'''Doris''': Caillou, what are you making? :'''Caillou''': ''[smiling softly]'' I'm making cookies. ===Caillou at Daycare [1.2b]=== :'''Leo''': ''[comes over to Caillou, but gets annoyed, and calls out to him]'' Hey! ''[snatches his one block from Caillou, causing the cup to spill over his shirt]'' These were my blocks! :'''Caillou''': ''[fearfully looking at his shirt, gasps in terror, and gets terrified where a glass of apple juice was spilled over it out of the cup, which made himself loudly, badly, and sadly screaming, and crying, in tears in his eyes, for his mom]'' <big><big><big>'''''MMM-O-O-O-MMMMMMYYY!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> ''[getting very upset in sadness]'' :'''Leo''': ''[rudely laughs to Caillou, and impolitely makes fun of him needing his mom]'' Your mommy was gone. ''[smirkly walks away]'' ===Caillou Joins the Circus (Eternally Suspended, Banned, and Censored Episode) [1.2c]=== :'''Caillou''': ''[while happily brushing his teeth, and remarks]'' I didn't need to be late for the circus. :'''Boris''': ''[confused]'' Hmm? The circus? ''[concerned, while trying to explain]'' Uh... nope. Caillou, this was not today. ''[bored, while proving to Caillou that he was very wrong]'' The circus wasn't until tomorrow. :'''Caillou''': ''[suddenly stops happily brushing his teeth before he gasps in terror, after he was incorrect, and gets too much distressed, and became very fearful, and terrified]'' Oh, no!!!!!! ''[getting very upset, and badly sadly whining, with his declaration]'' But it is today!!!!!! And I am getting all dressed!!!!!! ''[badly, and sadly crying, whining and sobbing with tears breaking down in his eyes, now being harassed by the fact that this was happening, over his big mistake]'' And that's today!!!!!! :'''Boris''': ''[grumpily neglecting Caillou's challenges]'' Aaaaaaaawwwwwwww! Come along, Caillou! ''[calmly tells Caillou to come downstairs to the kitchen]'' Just come downstairs and help me make breakfast. ''[walks out of the bathroom]'' :'''Caillou''': ''[now very promptly getting very pissed, out of rage, fierce, angry, tabooed, enraged, indignant, stubborn, and upset at Boris, and angrily, stubbornly, indignantly, and fiercely losing his temper, for pissing, enraging, and angering him, and denies, and won't come downstairs to the kitchen to help his dad make breakfast]'' No!!!!!! No, I can't do that!!!!!! ''[angrily, indignantly, and stubbornly sits down on the floor, and stays in the the bathroom, and fiercely, indignantly, stubbornly, and angrily growls with his mouth close, and his eyes open, then picks up his nearby toy car out of the toy bucket, and decides to play with it, to make himself feel a little better]'' Vroom, vroom, vroom! ''[mockingly vrooming, and playing his nearby toy car, with his very upset, pissed, stubborn, and angry face on, but until one of the wheels unintentionally got loose, and suddenly fell off on the floor, and then he gasps in terror, and became very fearful, and terrified again, and then picks up his nearby toy car, and then getting even more very pissed, hurtful, out of rage, sad, fierce, bad-tempered, enraged, stubborn, indignant, terrible, tabooed, disgusted, upset, angry, dangerous, rude, mean, and violent, and stubbornly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently outbursting into stubbornly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently screaming, crying, shouting, and calling his nearby toy car a very bad, stronger, profane, disgusting, indignant, mean, rude, and hurtful word, disregarding, and repeatedly using several times, but ignoring that it could hurt feelings, with tears breaking down in his eyes, and his eyes close, very tightly, and violently, fiercely, badly, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily shaking his nearby toy car]'' <big><big><big>'''''You stupid, ol' car!!!!!! You are stupid!!!!!!-Stupid!!!!!!-Stupid!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> ''[violently, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily growling, with his eyes close, very tightly, and his mouth close, and badly, fiercely, stubbornly, angrily, terribly, rudely, indignantly, and violently throwing, and slamming his nearby toy car down on the floor away, when violently, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, angrily, stubbornly, terribly, and indignantly causing it to violently, fiercely, badly, completely, and terribly ruin, damage, wreck, break, destroy, and smash into thousands of pieces on purpose, and then indignantly, badly, loudly, sadly, fiercely, stubbornly, rudely, violently, and angrily screaming, shrieking, and crying, and bursting, and breaking down with tears coming out of his eyes, and while violently, angrily, badly, indignantly, loudly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, rudely, and stubbornly outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and badly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily feeling very cruel of what he had missed, and unfinished, while temperately heedles of how he had hurt feelings, and violently, angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, sadly, terribly, rudely, and stubbornly causing too much trouble, and violently, fiercely, terribly, sadly, badly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, and angrily having his really bad, too inappropriate, hurtful, dangerous, and violent misbehavior, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, violently, and angrily hurting, pounding, and banging his arms, and fists, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, rudely, indignantly, angrily, and violently hurting, and kicking his legs, and feet against on the floor, over his completely ruined, damaged, wrecked, broken, destroyed, and smashed nearby toy car, and not coming to the circus today, and denies, and won't wait until tomorrow]'' <big><big><big>'''''WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!'''''</big></big></big> :'''Storyteller''': ''[off-screen]'' Caillou was being a very bad boy now! But he was not coming to the circus today. :'''Boris''': ''[angrily, terribly, and rudely stunned, when angrily, terribly, and rudely hears Caillou, and was now getting very enraged, angry, terrible, and rude at him, in the approach, because of him, badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, violently, stubbornly, angrily, rudely, and indignantly having his really bad, violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and terribly, fiercely, badly, sadly, rudely, violently, indignantly, stubbornly, and angrily outbursting having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, huge, gigantic, and temper tantrum, in inertia, terribly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily causing too much trouble, and terribly, loudly, fiercely, badly, sadly, stubbornly, violently, rudely, indignantly, and angrily screaming, shouting, and crying a very bad, disgusting, rude, indignant, stronger, profane, hurtful, and mean word, disregarding, and that he hurts feelings, and now coming back to the bathroom, and returning to the bathroom, and angrily, terribly, and rudely growling, and angrily, terribly, and rudley running over Caillou, while angrily, terribly, and rudely knocking him down, with his foot, by angrily, terribly, and rudely making him stop outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, and huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and having his really bad violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and causing too much trouble, and now arriving this time, while holding Rosie, who was very scared, upset, and crying, breaking down with tears in her eyes, when Caillou was waking her up, by outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, amd huge temper tantrum, in inertia, and having his really bad, violent, dangerous, hurtful, and too inappropriate misbehavior, and causing too much trouble, and angrily, terribly, and rudely thundering at Caillou, and angrily, terribly, and rudely blaming him for not coming downstairs to the kitchen, and looking like he was angrily, terribly, and rudely getting ready to angrily, terribly, and rudely punish him, for one whole day, for the very first time, for outbursting, having, and throwing himself a really violent, disgraceful, gigantic, and huge temper tantrum, in inertia, over not coming to the circus today, and having his really bad, hurtful, too inappropriate, dangerous, and violent misbehavior, and screaming, crying, and shouting a very bad, stronger, profane, disgusting, indignant, mean, rude, and hurtful word, disregarding, and repeatedly using several times, and that he hurts feelings, and causing too much trouble]'' Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!! Get along, Caillou!!!!!! Stop all that racket!!!!!! You are waking up Rosie!!!!!! ''[still significantly, roughly, seriously, and sternly commands Caillou that he will still immediately come downstairs to the kitchen to help him make breakfast quickly]'' I need you to come right down the stairs, now. :'''Storyteller''': ''[off-screen]'' Even though, Caillou's dad has started to get really angry at him. ''[Boris angrily, terribly, and rudely strikes, and glares at Caillou, while angrily, terribly, and rudely growling again at him, with his mouth close, and his eyes open, and before angrily, terribly, and rudely growling again, with his mouth open, his eyes open, and his teeth close, and turns around, while angrily, terribly, and rudely stomping away out from the bathroom, and angrily, terribly, and rudely stomping away downstairs to the kitchen, holding Rosie, who was very upset, scared, and crying, breaking down with tears in her eyes]'' :'''Caillou''': ''[gets very terrified, panicked, frightened, and fearful again, after he badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, indignantly, stubbornly, regretfully, and angrily misjudged, confronted, and disobeyed Boris, and his order, and got in big deep trouble, and punished, for one whole day, for the very first time, and got very pissed, hurtful, frustrated, out of rage, tabooed, upset, bad-tempered, angry, indignant, fierce, stubborn, enraged, terrible, sad, panicky, scared, and regretful, then gets up, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, indignantly, and regretfully grunting, sobbing, whining, and crying with tears in his eyes]'' But why can't I go to the circus today?!!!?!!! ''[angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, stubbornly, and terribly growling again with his mouth close, when angrily, badly, indignantly, fiercely, stubbornly, and terribly kicking aside his completely ruined, damaged, wrecked, broken, destroyed, and smashed nearby toy car away on the floor, and started indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully running away from the bathroom, indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully storming off out of the bathroom, and indignantly, angrily, badly, fiercely, stubbornly, terribly, sadly, and regretfully running after Boris, feeling very indignant, scared, fierce, enraged, tabooed, bad-tempered, panicky, sad, stubborn, regretful, terrible, angry, out of rage, pissed, hurtful, frustrated, and upset, over not coming to the circus today, until tomorrow, but about him wanting to go to the circus today, badly, sadly, fiercely, terribly, angrily, stubbornly, and indignantly confronting, whining, sobbing, sniffing, grunting, and crying, about his punishment, for the very first time, that he got, for one whole day, breaking down with tears in his eyes, before coming downstairs to the kitchen to help his dad make breakfast, but still denies, and won't help him make breakfast]'' I want to go to the circus today!!!!!! fb42qi5byrj0xo3qla1dgbnje801p9c 0 301453 3944661 3864833 2026-05-24T00:02:39Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944661 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Edward Craven Hawtrey (cropped).jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:Edward Craven Hawtrey|Edward Craven Hawtrey]]''' (7 May 1789 – 27 January 1862) was an English educationalist, headmaster and later provost of [[w:Eton College|Eton College]]. == Quotes == * "Clearly the rest I behold of the dark-ey'd sons of Achaia;<br>Known to me well are the faces of all; their names I remember;<br>Two, two only remain, whom I see not among the commanders,<br>Castor fleet in the car—Polydeukes brave with the cestus—<br>Own dear brethren of mine—one parent lov'd us as infants.<br>Are they not here in the host, from the shores of lov'd Lacedæmon,<br>Or, tho' they came with the rest in ships that bound thro' the waters,<br>Dare they not enter the fight or stand in the council of Heroes,<br>All for fear of the shame and the taunts my crime has awaken'd?"<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So said she;—they long since in Earth's soft arms were reposing,<br>There, in their own dear land, their Father-land, Lacedæmon. ** "[[Helen of Troy|Helen]] from the Walls of Troy looking for her Brothers", translating ''[[Iliad]]'', bk. 3, vv. 234–244 in the [[w:Dactylic hexameter|metre of the original]]. [[Matthew Arnold]] praised Hawtrey's attempt in [[w:On Translating Homer|''On Translating Homer'']] (1861) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Hawtrey, Edward Craven}} [[Category:1789 births]] [[Category:1862 deaths]] [[Category:People educated at Eton College]] [[Category:University of Cambridge alumni]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 0dj7gq4rvu597p8yncc217nf71ggv70 0 303233 3944496 3931863 2026-05-23T13:49:30Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944496 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Kat Blaque}}''' is an American YouTuber and LGBT rights activist. ==Quotes== * "I refuse to share my body with a man who wouldn't politically defend it." ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3buXUIz2Amk], Youtube ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] 4c1c8r8quphxku5r4golllup9v6apx9 0 304393 3944447 3944444 2026-05-23T12:00:50Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 /* Master Shake */ Edited content 3944447 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode ) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE **Notes: He and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] gmyecs1uvq5d4yzzpfg109jjdydc0zx 3944448 3944447 2026-05-23T12:01:48Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 3944448 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode ) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE **Notes: He and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] 92qeqdh50jkcowqqed0jvdz4e22rd87 3944450 3944448 2026-05-23T12:06:44Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 3944450 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode ) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters (Season 4, Episode 8) **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake (Season 2, Episode 1) **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling (Season 4, Episode 7) **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing (Season 2, Episode 21) **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five (Season 6, Episode 7) **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 10) **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car (Season 2, Episode 17) **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] d3kl7vy7ofj55wk96492f78nikslgl4 3944451 3944450 2026-05-23T12:08:03Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 /* Other Last Words */ 3944451 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode ) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters (Season 4, Episode 8) **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake (Season 2, Episode 1) **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling (Season 4, Episode 7) **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing (Season 2, Episode 21) **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five (Season 6, Episode 7) **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 10) **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car (Season 2, Episode 17) **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while the other ATHF villians including Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] cij5ghneuunxf76fmibmtsmh7trlmpv 3944452 3944451 2026-05-23T12:11:21Z ~2026-30923-97 3328014 /* Carl */ 3944452 wikitext text/x-wiki {{otherusesof|Aqua Teen Hunger Force|Aqua Teen Hunger Force}} This is a list of last words in ''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''. The series, along with [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters|two]] [[Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm|movies]] and one [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am|video game]] for PlayStation 2 has most deaths. Some characters may have more than one "death," in instances such as being resurrected, or existing temporarily as an undead being. In some of those instances, their last words from each "death" may be added if they are significant. ===Master Shake=== *'''Is that you, God?''' **Source: Balloonstein (Season 1, Episode 5) **Notes: This is Master Shake's first death, where he gets crushed by a giant meatwad. *'''You were missing that bullet in the magazine that day.''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: Is Shot three times by Meatwad. However, his voice was on recording. *'''No-no-no-no I need to live!!!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Notes: Murdered by Meatwad piloting a high-tech suit armed with rockets. *'''Okay, wait we can discuss this.''' **Source: Unremarkable Voyage (Season 3, Episode 2) **Notes: Shake is tortured by Meatwad, Frylock, and Carl, dying of shock and blood loss. *'''Aren't you coming back?''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Meatwad die of conjunctivitis after the episode. *'''I'm straight, look at me!''' **Source: Dirtfoot (Season 4, Episode 1) **Notes: He accidentally sliced himself in half with a katana blade. *'''Good night.''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Note: Shake says this before commits suicide by jumping into Carl's piranha filled pool, overdosed on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide in the next scene, he is later seen in the video game in the television when Frylock was playing the game. *'''NOOOO!!!!''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: *'''This is the dumbest thing I've ever done!''' **Source: Vampires ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 6) *'''Oh yeah, Is that what you think? Why don't you hit that switch over there and you tell me?''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode ) **Notes: Shake hooks himself via his straw to a vacuum in an attempt to loss weight. *'''Oh, shut up! “There can be, only one!”''' **Source: Dumber Dolls (Season 1, Episode 13) **Note: Master Shake fell off after the branch snapped that he was holding, he came back in a wheelchair and lift the sword up, lightning struck Master Shake and he fell off, and is set on fire. *'''Wait! I need my goggles! I need my UV ray gogg- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 BLAST OFF!!''' **Source: Party All the Time (Season 4, Episode 6) **Notes: Is exploded while being tied to a rocket after Meatwad lighted it up. *'''Yeah, I'll see you nerds later. Help me up... bitch. Then I'm out of here!''' **Source: Bookie ([[Aqua Something You Know Whatever|ASYKW]], Episode 6) **Note: Shake had swallowed the sword, which he killed himself by impaling himself through mouth and lost a lot of blood. *'''I got the what now?''' **Source: Carl (Season 3, Episode 13) **Notes: Shake gruesomely gets his skin pulled off before dying to Frylock’s security bot ordered by Meatwad. *''[mooing]'' '''I'm serious! Coyotes! I'm too fat!''' **Source: Muscles ([[Aqua TV Show Show|ATVSS]], Episode 1) **Notes: Was mauled by coyotes off-screen. *'''Nice to meet you all. I'll see you all in hell.''' **Source: Juggalo (Season 7, Episode 8) **Notes: He commits suicide by shooting himself to death with a shotgun, at the end of the episode, he is seen washing Carl's Carl in hell. *'''Man, you gotta suck!''' **Source: The Hairy Bus ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 3) **Notes: TBA *'''I'm allergic to shellfish!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake was killed inside his nightmares. *'''You-- you made them mad! What did you do to make them mad!!''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fucking Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Shake and Meatwad go to Clamydia to save Frylock's life by getting a new jewel, but Shake was eaten alive by clams. *'''Forgive them, Jimmy. They know not what they--''' **Source: The Greatest Story Ever TOLD ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Notes: Master Shake says this while getting gunned down by the police men, before he is killed, while Err, Ignignokt, Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. *'''Who was that guy?''' **Source: [[Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Zombie Ninja Pro-Am]] **Notes: Shake was crushed to death when the Ultra-Mega Chicken's foot lands on Shake, flattening him. ===Frylock=== *'''Oh, damn it! I slept with her ass, too.''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: The Aqua Teens witnessed Carl explode and release several eggs after the mermaid disappeared into his penis and implanted her eggs in him, Frylock exploded the same way. *'''No! No! NO!''' **Source: Last Dance for Napkin Lad ([[Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1|AUPS1]], Episode 10) **Notes: TBA *'''Did you...''' ''[gasps]'' '''Did you get the jewel?''' **Source: The Last One Forever and Ever (For Real This Time) (We Fuckinh Mean It) ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 8) **Notes: Frylock told Shake that he needs a new jewel or he's dead forever, Meatwad and Shake go to Clamydia to retreive the jewel from the giant clam, but Meatwad leaves it after using it to zap all the clams, then Frylock dies after his jewel ran out of power. ===Meatwad=== *'''Oh, Shakey, I told her I was saving myself for marriage and that it would screw up our friendship, but she got me drunk on red wine and... well...''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Note: Meatwad exploded as well, just like Frylock and Carl. *'''What does that matter? None of that matters now...''' **Source: Grim Reaper Gutters (Season 4, Episode 8) **Note: He shot himself with a gun, much to Shake and Frylock's horror. *'''He left. Again.''' **Source: THE (Season 2, Episode 22) **Notes: He, Carl and Master Shake die of conjunctivitis after the episode. ===Carl=== *'''''NO!! NO!! NO!!!''''' **Source: Video Oujia (Season 3, Episode 1) **Notes: Carl was completely crushed to death by being flattened by the Ultra Mega Chicken. *'''Fryman. Man. You changed.''' **Source: Super Birthday Snake (Season 2, Episode 1) **Notes: Inside a simulation, Carl was killed by being stabbed by Frlock and being thrown into his grave. *'''Ah, that takes two of ya. ''Let's go.''''' **Source: Global Grilling (Season 4, Episode 7) **Notes: Inside Shake's daydream, Carl was completely congested by the mucus men. *'''This is your, uh, great, great, great, uh... Your mother! ''' **Source: The Dressing (Season 2, Episode 21) **Notes: Was blown up by many Turkitrons. *'''Hey Nug, you gonna sign my arrow?''' ['''Ted Nugent''': Don't move man.] '''I got a Cat Scratch Fever loincloth I still wear on laundry night.''' ['''Ted Nugent''': I'm tellin' ya, don't move!] '''Why, what's the- ''AAAAAHHH!!''''' **Source: Gee Whiz (Season 3, Episode 4) **Note: He was shot with an flaming arrow and has his upper body explode. *'''No, no, I can't. I'm more of an expert at, uh- EXPOSING the moon. Get out your telescope! See if you'll find, uh, the one crater! Wait a minute- No, no, no! It's cool! It's all cool here! NO! NO!''' **Source: 2-and-a-Half-Star Wars Out of Five (Season 6, Episode 7) **Note: Carl was mauled to death by Drew offscreen, blood can be seen gushing out of his window. *'''Whoah! Oh god!''' **Source: Total Re-Carl (Season 2, Episode 13) **Note: Carl is shredded alive in Frank's environmental friendly toilet, leaving his head, his flip flops and his clothes behind. *'''Ohhh, I'm starting to itch now. Itch real bad. Go back up here, get out of my penis. Hold on. Have you been tested?''' **Source: She Creature (Season 6, Episode 3) **Notes: Exploded into mermaid babies after the She Creature implanted eggs inside him. *'''It's pecan fudge, Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. We're doing this thing right now and it is in your-''' **Source: The South Bronx Paradise Diet (Season 3, Episode 10) **Notes: He died when he has a parasite come out of him. *''' Um, did my car always have that, or am I just uh...''' **Source: Kidney Car (Season 2, Episode 17) **Notes: Carl has his head explode because Shake told him to go to his house and shut up. ===Other Last Words=== *'''Re-Unit-E on Ice!''' **Who: Ignignokt *'''The bullet of death blips towards you!''' **Who: Err **Source: The Greatest Story Ever Told ([[Aqua Teen Hunger Force Forever|ATHFF]], Episode 9) **Note: Err and Ignignokt get gunned down by the police men, disappears and leaves the pixel coins behind, while the other ATHF villians including Cybernetic Ghost, Oglethorpe, Hand Banana, Zucotti Manicotti, and Mothmonsterman. However, Romulux, Rabbot, Markula and Emory survived the shootout. [[Category: Fictional last words]] [[Category: Aqua Teen Hunger Force]] qcnh14pyad0h4w14eb6kn4biu38se9c 0 304631 3944809 3944150 2026-05-24T11:07:54Z GrimRob 1187925 /* May 2026 */ attempted cleanup 3944809 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|another Khamenei is coming.~[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198781-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AD%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A2%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%B7-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C QomImam]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) *This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things **Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] 6bt12032u2q197iqs20189n0omjinym 2 304879 3944498 3944154 2026-05-23T13:51:18Z Saroj 2925457 + 3944498 wikitext text/x-wiki I am taking on a personal challenge to create at least one article every day for 100 days. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:48, 7 March 2026 (UTC) # [[Margaret Qualley]], American actress. 7 March 2026 # [[Sabrina Carpenter]], American singer, songwriter, and actress. 8 March 2026 # [[Materialists (film)|''Materialists'' (film)]], 2025 film by [[Celine Song]]. 9 March 2026 # ''[[We Live in Time]]'', 2024 film by John Crowley. 10 March 2026 # ''[[Cha Cha Real Smooth]]'', 2022 film by Cooper Raiff. 11 March 2026 # [[Balen Shah]], Nepalese rapper and politician. 12 March 2026 # [[Sydney Sweeney]], American actress. 13 March 2026 # [[Eternity (2025 film)|''Eternity'' (2025 film)]], 2025 film by David Freyne. 14 March 2026 # [[Alia Bhatt]], British actress. 15 March 2026 # ''[[Uncut Gems]]'', 2019 film by the Safdie brothers. 16 March 2026 # [[Ejae]], South Korean and American singer and songwriter. 17 March 2026 # [[Gracie Abrams]], American singer and songwriter. 18 March 2026 # [[Sara Arjun]], Indian actress. 19 March 2026 # [[Maya Hawke]], American actress and singer-songwriter. 20 March 2026 # [[Tate McRae]], Canadian singer, songwriter, and dancer. 21 March 2026 # [[Dakota Johnson]], American actress. 22 March 2026 # [[August Ames]], Canadian pornographic actress. 23 March 2026 # [[Amy Adams]], American actress. 24 March 2026 # [[Alexandra Botez]], American-Canadian chess player. 25 March 2026 # [[Andrea Botez]], American-Canadian chess player. 26 March 2026 # [[Rachel Zegler]], American actress and singer. 27 March 2026 # [[Amybeth McNulty]], Irish and Canadian actress. 28 March 2026 # [[Robert Pattinson]], English actor. 29 March 2026 # [[Emily Willis]], American pornographic actress. 30 March 2026 # [[Sofia Carson]], American actress and singer. 31 March 2026 # [[Lola Tung]], American actress. 1 April 2026 # [[Charli XCX]], British singer. 2 April 2026 # [[Yami Gautam]], Indian actress. 3 April 2026 # [[Lily James]], English actress. 4 April 2026 # [[Maude Apatow]], American actress. 5 April 2026 # [[Pokimane]], Moroccan and Canadian streamer and YouTuber. 6 April 2026 # [[MrBeast]], American YouTuber. 7 April 2026 # [[Sophia Lillis]], American actress. 8 April 2026 # [[Cailee Spaeny]], American actress. 9 April 2026 # [[Milly Alcock]], Australian actress. 10 April 2026 # [[Alexa Demie]], American actress. 11 April 2026 # [[Austin Butler]], American actor. 12 April 2026 # [[Rosé (singer)|Rosé]], New Zealand and South Korean singer. 13 April 2026 # [[Barry Keoghan]], Irish actor. 14 April 2026 # [[Jessie Buckley]], Irish actress and singer. 15 April 2026 # [[Úrsula Corberó]], Spanish actress. 16 April 2026 # [[Nischal Basnet]], Nepalese film director and actor. 17 April 2026 # [[Ram Charan]], Indian actor. 18 April 2026 # [[Farhan Akhtar]], Indian actor, filmmaker and singer. 19 April 2026 # [[Sajal Aly]], Pakistani actress. 20 April 2026 # [[Kajal Aggarwal]], Indian actress. 21 April 2026 # [[Zac Efron]], American actor. 22 April 2026 # [[Sara Ali Khan]], Indian actress. 23 April 2026 # [[Katrina Kaif]], British actress. 24 April 2026 # [[Vikram (actor)|Vikram]], Indian actor. 25 April 2026 # [[Nicole Wallace]], Spanish actress. 26 April 2026 # [[Aneet Padda]], Indian actress. 27 April 2026 # [[Michael (2026 film)|''Michael'' (2026 film)]], 2026 American film directed by Antoine Fuqua. 28 April 2026 # [[Ryan Gosling]], Canadian actor. 29 April 2026 # [[Diljit Dosanjh]], Indian singer and actor. 30 April 2026 # [[John Abraham]], Indian actor and film producer. 1 May 2026 # [[Suriya]], Indian actor and film producer. 2 May 2026 # [[Rashmika Mandanna]], Indian actress. 3 May 2026 # [[Trisha Krishnan]], Indian actress. 4 May 2026 # [[Henry Cavill]], British actor. 5 May 2026 # [[Bhavitha Mandava]], Indian model. 6 May 2026 # [[Vicky Kaushal]], Indian actor. 7 May 2026 # [[Allu Arjun]], Indian actor. 8 May 2026 # [[Iqra Aziz]], Pakistani actress. 9 May 2026 # [[Keerthy Suresh]], Indian actress. 10 May 2026 # [[Chloë Grace Moretz]], American actress. 11 May 2026 # [[Parineeti Chopra]], Indian actress. 12 May 2026 # [[Saoirse Ronan]], American-born Irish actress. 13 May 2026 # [[Olivia Cooke]], British actress. 14 May 2026 # [[Mrunal Thakur]], Indian actress. 15 May 2026 # [[Hunter Schafer]], American actress and model. 16 May 2026 # [[Nayanthara]], Indian actress and film producer. 17 May 2026 # [[Madison Beer]], American singer. 18 May 2026 # [[Doja Cat]], American rapper. 19 May 2026 # [[Camila Cabello]], American singer-songwriter. 20 May 2026 # [[SZA]], American singer-songwriter. 21 May 2026 # [[Bruno Mars]], American singer-songwriter. 22 May 2026 # [[Tove Lo]], Swedish singer-songwriter. 23 May 2026 qjvipoi4bgywqkamdffw0td0gwyx3kq 0 305563 3944613 3917519 2026-05-23T21:51:48Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944613 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]]''' (September 11, 1933 – March 26, 2008) was an American translator, poet, and academic. He was best known for his many translations of ancient Greek and Roman classics, especially his acclaimed translations of the epic poems of [[Homer]] and [[Virgil]]. He taught English and comparative literature for many years at Princeton University. == Quotes == * The hunter catches a dreadful prey, the seaman steers his ship into an unspeakable harbor, the plowman sows and reaps a fearful harvest, the investigator finds the criminal and the judge convicts him—they are all the same man—the revealer turns into the thing revealed, the finder into the thing found, the calculator finds he is himself the solution of the equation and the physician discovers that he is the disease. The catastrophe of the tragic hero thus becomes the catastrophe of fifth-century man; all his furious energy and intellectual daring drive him on to this terrible discovery of his fundamental ignorance—he is not the measure of all things but the thing measured and found wanting. ** ''Sophocles: The Three Theban Plays'' (New York: Viking, 1982) Introduction to 'Oedipus the King', p. 125. Explicating [[Aristotle]]'s concept of ''{{w|peripeteia}}'' ('reversal') === Translations === * You are the king no doubt, but in one respect,<br>at least, I am your equal: the right to reply.<br>I claim that privilege too.<br>I am not your slave. I serve Apollo.<br>I don't need Creon to speak for me in public.{{pb}}&nbsp;&nbsp;So,<br>you mock my blindness? Let me tell you this.<br>You with your precious eyes,<br>you're blind to the corruption in your life,<br>to the house you live in, those you live with—<br>who are your parents? Do you know? All unknowing<br>you are the scourge of your own flesh and blood,<br>the dead below the earth and the living here above,<br>and the double lash of your mother and your father's curse<br>will whip you from this land one day, their footfall<br>treading you down in terror, darkness shrouding<br>your eyes that now can see the light!<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Soon, soon,<br>you'll scream aloud—what haven won't reverberate?<br>What rock of Cithaeron won't scream back in echo?<br>That day you learn the truth about your marriage,<br>the wedding-march that sang you into your halls,<br>the lusty voyage home to the fatal harbor!<br>And a crowd of other horrors you'd never dream<br>will level you with yourself and all your children.<br>{{pb}}There. Now smear us with insults—Creon, myself<br>and every word I've said. No man will ever<br>be rooted from the earth as brutally as you. ** [[Sophocles]], ''[[w:Oedipus Rex|Oedipus the King]]'', l. 464 (1982) * When Hector heard that challenge he rejoiced<br>and right in the no man's land along his lines he strode,<br>gripping his spear mid-haft, staving men to a standstill<br>while Agamemnon seated his Argives geared for combat.<br>And Apollo lord of the silver bow and Queen Athena,<br>for all the world like carrion birds, like vultures,<br>slowly settled atop the broad towering oak<br>sacred to Zeus whose battle-shield is thunder,<br>relishing those men. ** [[Homer]], ''[[Iliad|The Iliad]]'', bk. 7, l. 62 (1990) == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1933 births]] [[Category:2008 deaths]] [[Category:Translators from the United States]] [[Category:Poets from the United States]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Princeton University faculty]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:People from Philadelphia]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] qqvndt9n0sgp23c18jgvp9ltli2b0ee 3944620 3944613 2026-05-23T21:54:52Z Ficaia 3085955 /* External links */ 3944620 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Robert Fagles|Robert Fagles]]''' (September 11, 1933 – March 26, 2008) was an American translator, poet, and academic. He was best known for his many translations of ancient Greek and Roman classics, especially his acclaimed translations of the epic poems of [[Homer]] and [[Virgil]]. He taught English and comparative literature for many years at Princeton University. == Quotes == * The hunter catches a dreadful prey, the seaman steers his ship into an unspeakable harbor, the plowman sows and reaps a fearful harvest, the investigator finds the criminal and the judge convicts him—they are all the same man—the revealer turns into the thing revealed, the finder into the thing found, the calculator finds he is himself the solution of the equation and the physician discovers that he is the disease. The catastrophe of the tragic hero thus becomes the catastrophe of fifth-century man; all his furious energy and intellectual daring drive him on to this terrible discovery of his fundamental ignorance—he is not the measure of all things but the thing measured and found wanting. ** ''Sophocles: The Three Theban Plays'' (New York: Viking, 1982) Introduction to 'Oedipus the King', p. 125. Explicating [[Aristotle]]'s concept of ''{{w|peripeteia}}'' ('reversal') === Translations === * You are the king no doubt, but in one respect,<br>at least, I am your equal: the right to reply.<br>I claim that privilege too.<br>I am not your slave. I serve Apollo.<br>I don't need Creon to speak for me in public.{{pb}}&nbsp;&nbsp;So,<br>you mock my blindness? Let me tell you this.<br>You with your precious eyes,<br>you're blind to the corruption in your life,<br>to the house you live in, those you live with—<br>who are your parents? Do you know? All unknowing<br>you are the scourge of your own flesh and blood,<br>the dead below the earth and the living here above,<br>and the double lash of your mother and your father's curse<br>will whip you from this land one day, their footfall<br>treading you down in terror, darkness shrouding<br>your eyes that now can see the light!<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Soon, soon,<br>you'll scream aloud—what haven won't reverberate?<br>What rock of Cithaeron won't scream back in echo?<br>That day you learn the truth about your marriage,<br>the wedding-march that sang you into your halls,<br>the lusty voyage home to the fatal harbor!<br>And a crowd of other horrors you'd never dream<br>will level you with yourself and all your children.<br>{{pb}}There. Now smear us with insults—Creon, myself<br>and every word I've said. No man will ever<br>be rooted from the earth as brutally as you. ** [[Sophocles]], ''[[w:Oedipus Rex|Oedipus the King]]'', l. 464 (1982) * When Hector heard that challenge he rejoiced<br>and right in the no man's land along his lines he strode,<br>gripping his spear mid-haft, staving men to a standstill<br>while Agamemnon seated his Argives geared for combat.<br>And Apollo lord of the silver bow and Queen Athena,<br>for all the world like carrion birds, like vultures,<br>slowly settled atop the broad towering oak<br>sacred to Zeus whose battle-shield is thunder,<br>relishing those men. ** [[Homer]], ''[[Iliad|The Iliad]]'', bk. 7, l. 62 (1990) == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Fagles, Robert}} [[Category:1933 births]] [[Category:2008 deaths]] [[Category:Translators from the United States]] [[Category:Poets from the United States]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Princeton University faculty]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:People from Philadelphia]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] hyc6u0lvikc9ku1mhhu8e135w71x5sm 10 306015 3944503 3943522 2026-05-23T14:58:54Z ~2026-30863-04 3328122 /* Section IV. Position of the Communists in Relation to the Various Existing Opposition Parties */ remove duplicate 3944503 wikitext text/x-wiki :<small>''Das Manifest der Kommunistischen Partei'' (1848) by [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]]</small> <small>([https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/61 Full text online multiple formats])</small> ===Preamble=== * A spectre is haunting Europe—the spectre of Communism.<BR>All the Powers of old Europe have entered into a holy alliance to<BR>exorcise this spectre: Pope and Czar, [[Klemens von Metternich|Metternich]] and [[w:Francois_Guizot|Guizot]],<BR>French Radicals and German police-spies... * Whenever independent proletariat movements continued to show signs of life, they were ruthlessly hunted down. ** Preamble, paragraph 2. * '''It is high time that Communists should openly, in the face of the whole world, publish their views, their aims, their tendencies, and meet this nursery tale of the spectre of Communism with a Manifesto of the party itself.''' ** Preamble, paragraph 3. ===Section I [[Bourgeoisie]] and [[Proletariat]]=== [[file:Anti-capitalism color— Restored.png|thumb|The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of [[class struggles]].]] [[File:Charlottesville "Unite the Right" Rally (35780272084).jpg|thumb|But every class struggle is a political struggle.]] [[File:Kerala communist tableaux.jpg|thumb|right|All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned, and man is at last compelled to face with sober senses, his real conditions of life, and his relations with his kind.]] * The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of [[class struggles]]. Freeman and [[Slavery|slave]], [[w:Patrician|patrician]] and [[w:Plebeian|plebeian]], [[lord]] and [[serf]], guild-master and journeyman, in a word, oppressor and oppressed, stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary re-constitution of society at large, or in the common ruin of the contending classes.<BR>In the earlier epochs of history, we find almost everywhere a complicated arrangement of society into various orders, a manifold gradation of social rank. In [[ancient Rome]] we have patricians, knights, plebeians, slaves; in the [[Middle Ages]], feudal lords, vassals, guild-masters, journeymen, apprentices, serfs; in almost all of these classes, again, subordinate gradations.<BR>The modern bourgeois society that has sprouted from the ruins of feudal society has not done away with class antagonisms. It has but established new classes, new conditions of oppression, new forms of struggle in place of the old ones. Our epoch, the epoch of the bourgeoisie, possesses, however, this distinctive feature: it has simplified the class antagonisms. Society as a whole is more and more splitting up into two great hostile camps, into two great classes, directly facing each other: [[Bourgeoisie]] and [[Proletariat]]. *The [[bourgeoisie]], wherever it has got the upper hand, has put an end to all feudal, patriarchal, idyllic relations. It has pitilessly torn asunder the motley of ties that bound man to his "natural superiors," and left remaining no other nexus between man and man than naked self-interest, than callous "cash payment." Paragraph 14, lines 1-5. * '''The bourgeoisie has stripped of its halo every occupation hitherto honoured and looked up to with reverent awe. It has converted the [[physician]], the [[Lawyers|lawyer]], the [[priest]], the [[Poets|poet]], the [[Scientists|man of science]], into its paid [[Wage|wage labourers]].''' Paragraph 14. * Constant revolutionizing of production, uninterrupted disturbance of all social conditions, everlasting uncertainty and agitation distinguish the bourgeois epoch from all earlier ones. Paragraph 18, lines 6-9. *All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned, and man is at last compelled to face with sober senses, his real conditions of life, and his relations with his kind. Paragraph 18, lines 12-14. * The need of a constantly expanding market for its products chases the bourgeoisie over the entire surface of the globe. It must nestle everywhere, settle everywhere, establish connexions everywhere. Paragraph 19. * A class of labourers, who live only so long as they find work, and who find work only so long as their labour increase [[capital]]. These labourers, who must sell themselves piecemeal, are a commodity, like every other article of commerce, and are consequently exposed to all the vicissitudes of competition, to all the fluctuations of the market. Paragraph 30, lines 3-8. * He becomes an appendage of the machine, and it is only the most simple, most monotonous, and most easily acquired knack, that is required of him. Hence, the cost of production of a workman is restricted, almost entirely, to the means of subsistence that he requires for his maintenance, and for the propagation of his race. Paragraph 31, lines 3-8. * The less the skill and exertion of strength implied in manual labour, in other words, the more modern industry becomes developed, the more is the labour of men superseded by that of women. '''Differences of age and sex have no longer any distinctive social validity for the working class.''' All are instruments of labour, more or less expensive to use, according to their age and sex * No sooner is the [[W:Exploitation of labour|exploitation of the labourer]] by the manufacturer, so far, at an end, that he receives his [[wages]] in cash, than he is set upon by the other portions of the bourgeoisie, the landlord, the shopkeeper, the pawnbroker, etc. Paragraph 34. * But every class struggle is a political struggle. Paragraph 39, lines 8-9. * Of all the classes that stand face to face with the bourgeoisie today, the proletariat alone is a really revolutionary class. Paragraph 44, lines 1-2. * Law, morality, religion, are to him so many bourgeois prejudices, behind which lurk in ambush just as many bourgeois interests. Paragraph 47, lines 7-9. * What the bourgeoisie therefore produces, above all, are its own grave-diggers. Its fall and the victory of the proletariat are equally inevitable. Paragraph 53, lines 11-13. ===Section II. Proletarians and Communists=== [[File:Nankín 1978 12.jpg|thumb|The working men have no country. We cannot take away from them what they have not got.]] * '''The immediate aim of the Communists is the same as that of all the other proletarian parties: Formation of the proletariat into a class, overthrow of the bourgeois supremacy, conquest of political power by the proletariat.''' Paragraph 7. * '''The theory of Communism may be summed up in the single sentence: Abolition of private property.''' Paragraph 13. *Capital is a collective product, and only by the united action of many members, nay, in the last resort, only by the united action of all members of society, can it be set in motion. Paragraph 18 * All that we want to do away with is the miserable character of this appropriation, under which the labourer lives merely to increase [[capital]], and allowed to live only so far as the interest to the ruling class requires it. Paragraph 20, lines 9-13. *In bourgeois society, therefore, the past dominates the present; in Communist society, the present dominates the past. In bourgeois society capital is independent and has individuality, while the living person is dependent and has no individuality. Paragraph 22. *You are horrified at our intending to do away with private property. But in your existing society, private property is already done away with for nine-tenths of the population; its existence for the few is solely due to its non-existence in the hands of those nine-tenths. Paragraph 25. * From the moment when labour can no longer be converted into capital, money, or rent, into a social power capable of being monopolised, i.e., from the moment when individual property can no longer be transformed into bourgeois property, into capital, from that moment, you say, individuality vanishes. Paragraph 27. * Communism deprives no man of the power to appropriate the products of society; all that it does is to deprive him of the power to subjugate the labour of others by means of such appropriation. Paragraph 30. * Just as, to the bourgeois, the disappearance of class property is the disappearance of production itself, so the disappearance of class culture is to him identical with the disappearance of all culture. That culture, the loss of which he laments, is, for the enormous majority, a mere training to act as a machine. Paragraph 34-35 * The working men have no country. We cannot take away from them what they have not got. **Paragraph 51, lines 1-2. * When people speak of ideas that revolutionize society, they do but express the fact that within the old society, the elements of a new one have been created, and that the dissolution of the old ideas keeps even pace with the dissolution of the old conditions of existence. Paragraph 58. * There are, besides, eternal truths, such as [[Freedom]], [[Justice]], etc., that are common to all states of society. But '''Communism abolishes eternal truths, it abolishes all religion, and all morality''', instead of constituting them on a new basis; it therefore acts in contradiction to all past historical experience. Paragraph 63 * The [[Communist revolution]] is the most radical rupture with traditional [[property]] relations; no wonder that its development involves the most radical rupture with traditional ideas. Paragraph 64. * These measures will, of course, be different in different countries. Nevertheless, in most advanced countries, the following will be pretty generally applicable: # Abolition of property in land and application of all rents of land to public purposes. # A heavy progressive or graduated income tax. # Abolition of all rights of inheritance. # Confiscation of the property of all emigrants and rebels. # Centralisation of credit in the hands of the state, by means of a national bank with State capital and an exclusive monopoly. # Centralisation of the means of communication and transport in the hands of the State. # Extension of factories and instruments of production owned by the State; the bringing into cultivation of waste-lands, and the improvement of the soil generally in accordance with a common plan. # Equal liability of all to work. Establishment of industrial armies, especially for agriculture. # Combination of agriculture with manufacturing industries; gradual abolition of all the distinction between town and country by a more equable distribution of the populace over the country. # Free education for all children in public schools. Abolition of children’s factory labour in its present form. Combination of education with industrial production, &c, &c. *In place of the bourgeois society, with its classes and class antagonisms, shall we have an association, in which the free development of each is the condition for the free development of all. Paragraph 72 (last paragraph). ===Section III. Socialist and Communist Literature=== * In political practice, therefore, they join in all coercive measures against the working class; and in ordinary life, despite the high-falutin phrases, they stoop to pick up the golden apples, and to barter truth, love, and honour for traffic in wool, beet-root sugar, and potato spirits. **Paragraph 9. ===Section IV. Position of the Communists in Relation to the Various Existing Opposition Parties=== [[File:Avrora Krasnodar.jpg|thumb|right|The theory of Communism may be summed up in the single sentence: Abolition of private property.]] [[File:Tesserapcd21.jpg|thumb|right|The proletarians have nothing to lose but their [[chains]]. They have a world to win.<br> [[w:Workers of the world, unite!|WORKING MEN OF ALL COUNTRIES, UNITE!]]]] *The Communists fight for the attainment of the immediate aims, for the enforcement of the momentary interests of the working class; but in the movement of the present, they also represent and take care of the future of that movement. In [[France]] the Communists ally themselves with the [[Social democracy|Social-Democrats]], against the [[Conservatism|conservative]] and radical bourgeoisie, reserving, however, the right to take up a critical position in regard to phrases and illusions traditionally handed down from the great Revolution. *In short, the Communists everywhere support every revolutionary movement against the existing social and political order of things. *In all these movements they bring to the front, as the leading question in each, the property question, no matter what its degree of development at the time. *Finally, they labour everywhere for the union and agreement of the democratic parties of all countries. * The Communists disdain to conceal their views and aims. They openly declare that their ends can be attained only by the forcible overthrow of all existing social conditions. Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communistic revolution. '''The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win.<br> [[w:Workers of the world, unite!|WORKING MEN OF ALL COUNTRIES, UNITE!]]''' Paragraph 11 (last paragraph). ** Variant translation: '''Workers of the world, unite!''' hkcg9dbavdh9s2kwyd2jcqi5ta3qo7m 0 306167 3944565 3944294 2026-05-23T18:50:34Z ~2026-30795-45 3328279 /* "The Frenchman, the Female, and the Man Called Mother's Milk" [5.07] */ 3944565 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 1|1]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 2|2]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 3|3]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 4|4]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 5|5]] [[The Boys (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Boys (TV series)|The Boys]]''''' is an American superhero television series developed by Eric Kripke for [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Amazon Prime Video]]. Based on the comic book of the same name by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson, it follows the eponymous team of vigilantes as they combat superpowered individuals who abuse their abilities. ==''"Fifteen Inches of Sheer Dynamite"'' [5.01]== :''[Homelander meets with Sister Sage after the Flight 37 video gets leaked to the public by Annie]'' :'''Sister Sage''': We knew this would happen sooner or later. We've been ready. In the last 24 hours, we have flooded the zone with so much disinformation, people can't tell their clit from their collarbone. The share price is only down half a point. Besides that, damage is minimal. :'''Homelander''': ''[points at open book]'' What's this? :'''Sister Sage''': That is a Gutenberg Bible. Martin Shkreli sold it to me at discount. :'''Homelander''': You're really on top of the world, huh? Peter Thiel, the Obamas calling you for advice. Everyone loves you.  :'''Sister Sage''': You can't really think I care. :'''Homelander''': Maybe you didn't used to. :'''Sister Sage''': It's all for you. The higher the share price, the happier the billionaires. The more you get to do whatever the fuck you wanna do. :'''Homelander''': Are you aware that NNC is calling me a murderer? Saying that maybe I even did something to my son? :'''Sister Sage''': No. Everyone knows that Ryan is... ''[sighs]'' Sorry. That he is at boarding school. In Svalbard. ''[chuckling]'' That story's holding. We're good. :'''Homelander''': And how–how about you, Sage? Are you… good? :'''Sister Sage''': I'm fine. :'''Homelander''': You're not distracted at all? After Thomas Godolkin dumped you? You're not numbing the heartache by stabbing your brain? :'''Sister Sage''': No. :'''Homelander''': Then, just tell me. How did Starlight get in the building? ''[beat; exhales]'' I WAS '''HUMILIATED!''' As if people don't hate me enough! :'''Sister Sage''': Your numbers are north of 96. :'''Homelander''': Anyone can smile for the pollsters, sure, but millions of them are still Starlighters in their hearts! Where it counts! Have you seen the memes? Have you seen the ''memes'' about me?! ''[brief pause]'' Posting them should be a crime. :'''Sister Sage''': Yes, but we can't go... ''[notices Homelander glaring at her]'' Oh, you're serious. Uh, sir... ''[chuckles]'' Ongoing conflict is useful to us. It keeps people afraid… :'''Homelander''': Shut up. :'''Sister Sage''': …which is exactly what we– :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no, no! NO! You promised me Caesar. :'''Sister Sage''': He was stabbed by his best friends. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, well, I can relate to that! But I need people to be ''devoted!'' To '''''me!''''' :'''Sister Sage''': May I speak freely? :'''Homelander''': Give it a shot. :'''Sister Sage''': I told you, no matter how much power you amass, it will not make you happy. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' You know what's gonna make me happy? I think I'll be happy when Starlight and William Butcher are corpses. I want it leaked that in three days, we are going to execute Hugh Campbell, Milk, and the... French one. That'll draw out Starlight and Butcher, and then I will take care of this once and for all. :'''Sister Sage''': Consider it done, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Oh, wow. Your skin is so oily, like hugging a McRib. :'''Annie''': Wait, did you—Did you just... How?! :'''Kimiko''': Speech therapy and fucking therapy therapy and so much fucking TikTok. :'''Annie''': Well, you sure sound like you're on TikTok. :'''Butcher''': Sixteen-hour flight and not a fucking peep. :'''Kimiko''': 'Cause all you can say is "Oi, oi, oi. Cunt, cunt, cunt". :'''Butcher''': I liked her better with her mouth shut. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Annie''': Took you long enough. Slowing down in your old age? :'''A-Train''': ''[laughs and hugs Annie]'' Fuck you, [[w:Killing of JonBenét Ramsey|JonBenét]]. :'''Kimiko''': You guys are friends? :'''A-Train''': You talk? :'''Kimiko''': Mm-hmm. :'''Annie''': Reggie's been helping us out for a while. :'''A-Train''': ''[takes drink from Annie]'' Thanks. Where is everybody? ''[pause]'' I heard about the Pittsburgh raid last month. Go Marie Moreau. How's her team doing? :'''Annie''': Yeah, they're scoring a few wins, but not nearly enough. :'''A-Train''': So, what's with the 911? :'''Annie''': Hughie, M.M. and Frenchie are gonna be executed tomorrow, so we need your help to break them out. :'''A-Train''': Of a Vought prison camp? You're fucking crazy. :'''Annie''': Listen, you don't have to fight, okay? We just need you to run them to the extraction point. It's easy. :'''A-Train''': Easy. Right. You know Homelander's gonna be waiting. I can't. :'''Annie''': We know how to kill him, okay? But we need Frenchie to do it. :'''A-Train''': Great. Well, good luck with that. :'''Annie''': Hey, are you gonna keep running forever? I mean, if we're gonna really take him out, we need your help. :'''A-Train''': So what, I'm just supposed to join this little fucking supergroup? :'''Annie''': I mean, we are down one asshоlе, so… Yeah, maybe. :'''A-Train''': ''[pause]'' No. :'''Annie''': Why not? :'''A-Train''': I said I can't. :'''Annie''': I know you're scared… :'''A-Train''': No, I'm not fucking scared! I got a family to protect. ''[Annie sighs]'' I can't. :'''Annie''': I get it, I do. Me, too. ''[pause]'' Keep them safe. :''[Annie and Kimiko watch A-Train run off]'' :'''Kimiko''': We shouldn't have let him go. :'''Annie''': No. Homelander fuckеd him up. Fuckеd me up, too. We're gonna need an Exit Plan B. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hughie, Frenchie and Mother's Milk go over their escape plan]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, so we hit the east gate. :'''Frenchie''': ''Oui'', Petit Hughie, when the guards change shift. :'''Hughie''': And we go at dawn. :'''Mother's Milk''': We've been through this. :'''Hughie''': I know. I just wanna go over it a few more times just so I can get it in my head. :'''Mother's Milk''': Hughie… ''[holds out moonshine jar]'' Take a fuckin' drink, will you? :'''Hughie''': No, thanks. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shrugs; to Frenchie]'' ''Mon ami?'' :'''Frenchie''': You know I quit. :'''Mother's Milk''': Leave it up to you to have your shit the tightest you've ever had it in a fuckin' internment camp. :'''Frenchie''': Yeah, what about you? Have you been eating the fresh produce I smuggle in? :'''Mother's Milk''': Moonshine's got corn in it. ''[takes a sip of moonshine]'' :'''Frenchie''': ''[beat; to Hughie]'' Hey… Don't worry. Annie will be fine. She's strong. :'''Hughie''': ''[takes liquor bottle from Frenchie]'' Kimiko, too.  :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' Y'all mοthеrfuckеrs are trippin'. Y'all don't know what the fuck's going on with them. ''[to Frenchie]'' Hey, you don't even know where Kimiko's at. :'''Hughie''': What, so you don't think you're gonna see Janine and Monique again? Is that it? :'''Mother's Milk''': What I know is that they're a shit ton safer without me making a mess out of their lives. :'''Hughie''': M.M., you're the strongest guy I know. We've been in tougher spots than this. :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, I did two tours in the 3/8 in Farah Province. The shit I saw would ''fuck you up''. And even that was [[w:Emily in Paris|''Emily in Paris'']] compared to the shit that we looking at here. And even if we make it outta here, we ain't surviving this fuckin' war. We are dead men walking. Chin-chin, mοthеrfuckеrs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hughie is shocked to see all of his prison bunkmates brutally murdered in their bunker. He sees Homelander sitting on his bed reading from his journal.]'' :'''Homelander''': "Well, Annie, today marks two months. It's a little insane how much I miss you. I've been having trouble eating. Every day, I see people giving up, but not me. Because I have you." It's very, very sweet. :'''Hughie''': They were innocent. :'''Homelander''': Oh… ''[looks briefly at one of the corpses]'' Well, I'd hardly call them innocent. They lied to me. Played dumb about your little stash in the wall there. We've known about that for quite some time, but I just wanted to give you a little hope. :'''Hughie''': You're not the one who gave it to me, asshоlе. :'''Homelander''': Ooh, I like Internment Camp Hughie. She's zesty. :'''Hughie''': Fuck you. Do it. :'''Homelander''': What? :'''Hughie''': Kill me. :'''Homelander''': Not until we flush out Butcher and Starlight. :'''Hughie''': You think they're dumb enough to just walk right into your trap? :'''Homelander''': Let's not insult each other. We both know they're coming. ''[throws the journal at Hughie's feet]'' Do you remember when we first met? :'''Hughie''': How could I forget? :'''Homelander''': Believe Festival. I tried to cleanse your soul. I remember thinking... ''[sighs]'' "Why him?" What does Starlight see in this gangly simp that reeks of fear and Strawberry Smoothie kids' shampoo? You know, William and Victoria Neuman love you, too. I mean, I get it from your perspective. You're punching up. Good for you. But why are they so hopelessly devoted to such staggering mediocrity? Why would Starlight and Butcher piss away their lives to try and rescue you? :'''Hughie''': Because I'd do it for them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher and Kimiko find Hughie, Frenchie and Mother's Milk tied up and gagged by Homelander when they break into the Vought internment camp]'' :'''Hughie''': Butcher?! Oh, fuck. :'''Homelander''': ''[waves]'' Surprise. Welcome, William. ''[to Kimiko]'' And you. The gang is almost all here. Oh, and uh, ''[looks down at Mother's Milk]'' you never told me that this one's nickname is... Mother's Milk. ''[licks his lips; laughs]'' Okay. So, what's the big plan? What, are you gonna sandbag me with the Godolkin virus? ''[Butcher looks shocked]'' Yes. I know all about it. :'''Kimiko''': Suck my fat dіck! :''[Homelander lasers Kimiko in half. The top half of her body falls to the floor.]'' :'''Homelander''': Hey, where's Starlight? Just doesn't feel like a party without my little lightning bug here... ''[pause; stares at Butcher]'' Jesus Christ, William. You've got a viper's nest in there. I'd heard about it, of course. But seeing it for myself, it's uh… it–it's incredible. I mean, it's fucking disgusting of course, but it's–it's beautiful. What you've done to yourself, what you've become… and you did all that for me? ''[pause]'' Now that… ''that'' is devotion. You know, William, I know we're not exactly equals, but I'm compelled to say… you are the only one that's ever challenged me. And there's a part of me that will be sad to see you go. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A-Train gets badly injured while being chased by Homelander, who eventually catches up to him]'' :'''Homelander''': Looks like someone ''can'' catch the A-Train after all. End of the road, buddy boy. :''[A-Train starts laughing at Homelander as he gets back up]'' :'''Homelander''': What's so funny? :'''A-Train''': What was I so afraid of? You are… fucking nothing. :'''Homelander''': Really? :''[Homelander lifts A-Train and pins him against a tree]'' :'''A-Train''': ''[grunts]'' Really. You're just an empty fucking suit. Take away these powers… and what are you, huh? A pathetic… weak… sniveling fucking loser. :''[Homelander wraps his hand around A-Train's neck and slowly chokes him. A-Train continues laughing until Homelander snaps his neck, killing him instantly.]'' ==''"Teenage Kix"'' [5.02]== :'''Oh Father''': We fight hellfire with holy fire! We fight with the ballot box! We fight with the ammo box! Matthew 10:34 — "I do not come to bring the peace, but a sword"! You are not here to be blessed, you are here to do war! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': Goddammit, A-Train. It didn't need to come to this. I don't know, you left me no choice! I know that my leadership style can be stern, but it was for your own good! I like to think of myself as the big brother that you never had. You remember that girlfriend you had? Uh... Pop... Popfang. Betrayed us both to William Butcher, no less. Huge mess, your fault. What did I do? ''What did I do?'' I gave you a chance to make things right, I reached out my hand... and you bit it! What did I ever do to deserve that? What, was I too nurturing? Too forgiving? Well, maybe. But dammit, you weren't like the others: Snakes, backstabbers. I could count on you, man. I ''did'' count on you. I loved you... but here we are. Why does this keep happening to me? I guess the strongest men are the most alone. You wouldn't understand. Nobody does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander releases Soldier Boy from his cryogenic chamber at Vought Tower. Soldier Boy wakes up the next morning in Homelander's bedroom.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no. It's okay. It's okay, I don't wanna hurt you. You're safe, okay? You've been in deep freeze again. :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, Jesus Christ. For how long? :'''Homelander''': Almost two years in a CIA black site. I just found out this morning. :'''Soldier Boy''': You found out this morning? :'''Homelander''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': But that just happens to be in your room? ''[pause]'' Did you fuck me? :'''Homelander''': ''[legitimately confused]'' What? :'''Soldier Boy''': Is this some kind of incest thing? :'''Homelander''': No! :'''Soldier Boy''': Then, what the fuck is this? :'''Homelander''': ''[stammers]'' Look, I... I want you to find William Butcher. :'''Soldier Boy''': Find him yourself. :'''Homelander''': Well, the people that work for me are limited. And you are the best tracker there is. I just–I need you to find him and report back. Very simple. :'''Soldier Boy''': You want me… to work for you? :'''Homelander''': Well, why don't we say "work ''with'' me"? And... I can help you. I can give you a proper comeback. :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't need you for that. :'''Homelander''': Well, the whole world does think that you're a Russian spy, so… :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Okay. Alright, listen to me. I'm no ass-felching Commie. You got that?! :'''Homelander''': I know, I know. And listen, I am Vought now. Me. So, the public, they're gonna believe that you are whatever I tell them you are. I can resurrect you. I can give you back what you lost. I can even make you number two in The Seven. :'''Soldier Boy''': Number two? ''[Homelander nods]'' Or how about I finish the job, and blast you to Kingdom Fuck. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, you could try. Who knows, you might even fry the V right out of my blood. Or you might not. But I'm betting that you hate William Butcher more than you hate... me. After all, I'm–I'm not the one that betrayed you, am I? :'''Soldier Boy''': I tried to kill you. The minute I turn my back, how do I know you won't return the favor? :'''Homelander''': Look...  :''[Homelander picks up Soldier Boy's shield and gives it to him]'' :'''Homelander''': You find William Butcher for me… all is forgiven. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat; looks at the shield]'' Looks like a fuckin' kindergarten ashtray.  <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': Soldier Boy, ''[points at Calhoun and Ashley]'' this is the President, Vice President of the United States of America. They work for me. Everyone, Soldier Boy is gonna be number two in The Seven once he has located William Butcher and Annie January. :'''The Deep''': What? Wait–Wait, what, sir? No, sir. I... I can do this. I can bring them in. :'''Homelander''': Oh, like you did with A-Train? We're going in a new direction, Deep. Competence. ''[to Calhoun]'' Oh, and Steve, Soldier Boy's gonna need a full pardon. :'''Calhoun''': Well, sir, he–he was guilty of... you know, treason. ''[pause; Homelander just stares at him]'' Consider it done, sir. :'''Homelander''': Terrific. And you know what? I'm sure the man's dying for a drink. Uh, Steve, can you make him a… :'''Soldier Boy''': Manhattan. :'''Homelander''': Manhattan. Thanks, Steve. :'''Calhoun''': Of course. Can I get you a glass of milk, sir? :'''Homelander''': ''[sternly]'' No. Steven… I'll also have a Manhattan. :'''Soldier Boy''': Goddamn. Since when could Supes teabag the President? :'''Homelander''': Since me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher sees Hughie looking despondent on their way back to the Teenage Kix mansion]'' :'''Butcher''': Oi, fuckin' smile, Hughie. I mean, ain't you a little glad A-Train's dead? :'''Hughie''': …No, I'm not glad he's dead. A-Train did a lot of horrible things, but he saved our lives, and he died a hero. A real hero. There are a lot of other Supes that don't deserve to die either. :'''Butcher''': Listen, I know you just done a year in the gulag. You've earned your seat at the table, so... I'll give it to ya straight. You gotta knock this wet, gaping pussy shite on the head, mate. Ain't doin' no one no favours. Especially your girl. I mean, that's why she's givin' you the cold shoulder. :'''Hughie''': Don't talk to me about Annie. You don't know what's going on with her. :'''Butcher''': Well, I know that she finally knows the fuckin' score. And she knows that you poncin' about with this Jiminy Cricket, "listen to your heart" bollocks is just gonna get her killed. :'''Hughie''': Is there any part of you left that's still human? ''[pause]'' You're gonna get Annie killed, not me… but I won't let you do it. :'''Butcher''': Noted. :''[A shield suddenly pierces the windshield of the Boys' truck. Hughie catches the virus vial right as they crash into another vehicle.]'' :'''Hughie''': Fuck! :'''Kimiko''': Hughie, the vial! :'''Hughie''': It's good. ''[stares at the shield]'' Wait, is that...? :''[They see Soldier Boy walking up the street towards them]'' :'''Butcher''': Well, well, well. :'''Kimiko''': He's dead, right? He's supposed to be dead? :'''Butcher''': Supposed to be. Mallory put him in ice for a bit. :'''Hughie''': ''[slowly turns to face Butcher]'' You're telling us this ''now?'' :'''Butcher''': Somebody up there likes us, mate. :'''Hughie''': In what fucking way?! :'''Butcher''': Well, we wanted a guinea pig. Who better than Homelander's old man? New plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butcher''': Oi. Ain't you supposed to be a giant ice dіldо? :'''Soldier Boy''': Aren't you supposed to be smart? Renting a truck under the name "Don T. Beakunt." Same alias when we headed to Herogasm. :'''Butcher''': Well, oldie, but a goodie. :''[Soldier Boy sees Hughie and Kimiko get out of the truck and run away]''  :'''Butcher''': No, mate. Just you and me. :''[Soldier Boy shoots Butcher three times, but to no avail. Butcher, still standing, looks down at his chest then looks back up at Soldier Boy.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': I guess it's true. You're one of us now. :'''Butcher''': Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Then fuckin' beat 'em. :'''Soldier Boy''': Being super is not gonna save you. :'''Butcher''': That don't stop us helpin' each other. Homelander's double the cunt now, if that's even possible. He needs doin' more than ever. You still fancy his seat on The Seven, don't ya? :'''Soldier Boy''': Fuck you! We had a deal! I held up my end of the bargain, and you sold me out. Put me back in a fucking box! And for what? 'Cause I was gonna kill some dumb kid? :'''Butcher''': That kid is your grandson. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, was it worth it? You feeling good about that call right about now? Where is that fucking brat? :'''Butcher''': Homelander's the one fuckin' you over, mate. Or did he mention that we've got an uber virus strong enough to kill every fuckin' Supe on the planet? :'''Soldier Boy''': Bullshit. :'''Butcher''': God's honest. The things this virus can do... ''Fuckin' diabolical.'' Why d'you think he sent you here instead of coming himself, hmm? You're the sacrificial cunt. Again. :'''Soldier Boy''': I guess we'll see. :'''Butcher''': You don't get it, do ya? Me, Homelander, your old crew–Everyone fucks you over. Do you wanna know why? 'Cause you... are a dumb fuckin' twat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Hughie Campbell. How is a useless cock-gobbler like you still alive? :'''Hughie''': All your jokes are about dudes blowing dudes. You're kind of obsessed! :'''Soldier Boy''': Is this the virus he was going on about? The so-called "Supe Killer"? Well, not today, you semen-swilling butt pirate. :'''Hughie''': What? ==''"Every One of You Sons of Bitches"'' [5.03]== :''[Homelander has a psychotic breakdown and hallucinates Madelyn Stillwell appearing to him as an angel]'' :'''Homelander''': Madelyn...! :'''Madelyn''': Oh, my boy! My sweet boy... What is wrong? Why are you unhappy? :'''Homelander''': My father and my son! Everything, it's all falling apart! :'''Madelyn''': No! No, it's exactly what needed to happen. Yes, it's been foretold! You're about to ascend. Become immortal. Divine. A true god with the love of the world. :'''Homelander''': But– :'''Madelyn''': I know, you think love is weak and human. But who is more loved than Jesus? And why should he have more love than you? You save more people than he does. The one, true god... :'''Homelander''': Yes... But how? How? Millions of people just hate me... :'''Madelyn''': Well, then you baptize the unfaithful in their own blood. Rip babies from their mothers' wombs. :'''Homelander''': Yes... :'''Madelyn''': Skin parents in front of their children. Rid the world of the wicked. :'''Homelander''': Yes... :'''Madelyn''': The nonbelievers... :'''Homelander''': They'll call me a monster... :'''Madelyn''': Oh, the only ones left will be your faithful. And they will love you in their hearts. They'll cry happy tears at the mere thought of you. You have one last task, my love. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Homelander? :'''Homelander''': Up here. :'''Soldier Boy''': What do you– ''[sees Homelander taking a bath]'' What in the fuck? Is that milk? :'''Homelander''': Better. Breastmilk from the NICU at Mount Sinai. :'''Soldier Boy''': So, what? You asked me up here so I could watch you swim in tit jizz? :'''Homelander''': I wanna give you another chance. :'''Soldier Boy''': You wanna give ''me'' another chance? :'''Homelander''': Yes. Help me find that V1. :'''Soldier Boy''': I'd rather fist myself with a handful of razors. Besides, Cleopatra Jones said there's no V1 to find. :'''Homelander''': Oh, there most certainly is. And I am going to find it. :'''Soldier Boy''': Yeah? What makes you so sure? :'''Homelander''': ''[smiling]'' An angel told me. It's my destiny. :'''Soldier Boy''': Just when I thought there was a ceiling to how fuckin' weird you could get. :'''Homelander''': Yes, yes. Make your jokes. You've been blessed with immortality, and what have you done with it? Drink and fuck yourself numb. You... ''You'' are a disappointment. You see... ''[stands up and gets out of the tub]'' I am not gonna waste my immortality. I am gonna take what's rightfully mine. I'm asking you if you want a seat at the table because you're my father. But with or without you... a reckoning is coming. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat]'' You know, all I see is a freak. A freak with a bushel of gray pubes. Try some Just for Men. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher takes Ryan to a pub to discuss his plan to kill Homelander with the Supe virus]'' :'''Butcher''': All you do is get him on the blower and tell him you wanna see him. When he rocks up, you chuck the shit in his face... and that'll be it. :'''Ryan''': Why me? :'''Butcher''': 'Cause he won't leave the fortress of cuntitude for anyone else. :'''Ryan''': So this is what you wanted to talk to me about. Killing my dad. :'''Butcher''': Listen, mate– :'''Ryan''': Is that all you think I'm good for? :'''Butcher''': I ain't gonna treat you like a kid no more, alright? You're done with that. Homelander raped your mum. He's gonna burn everything down, and you are the only one who can stop him. Now... Normally, I don't put no stock in any of that bollocks about destiny, but if anyone's got one, it's you. :'''Ryan''': ''[pause; sighs]'' I throw this virus at him... what'll happen to me? :'''Butcher''': You'll die. I'll be close by and we'll go together. Now... I ain't gonna lie to you. This… this is not what your mum wanted… But it's the only way. And it will be justice. :'''Ryan''': You're asking me to kill myself? :'''Butcher''': You wouldn't be the first lad to throw his life away in a war... but you would be the first to save the world doin' it. ''[beat; sighs heavily]'' I'll fetch us a pint. :''[Later, Butcher returns with a pint of beer]'' :'''Butcher''': Here. Told her you were 30. ''[Ryan chuckles]'' Fuck the leather, fuck the lace, here's to the bird who sits on yer face. ''[takes a long sip of beer]'' :'''Ryan''': Where'd you pick that up? :'''Butcher''': Me old man. :'''Ryan''': You two close? :'''Butcher''': Nah, not really. He was a... a piss artist. Used to lose all his money on the gee-gees–horses–and then, he'd come home, beat the livin' daylights outta Len and me. And then later, laugh about it with his mates. Yeah, he was a right cunt. :'''Ryan''': Where is he now? :'''Butcher''': Bottom of the Thames. I put him there, just the other day. Only wish I'd done it sooner, before he caused more... more damage. :'''Ryan''': Butcher... Do you think that I could ever... That I might turn into my dad? :'''Butcher''': …I don't know. :'''Ryan''': ''[sighs]'' My mom... Aunt Grace... the others... All I do is hurt people. I can't be around anyone. :'''Butcher''': Without us–without Supes–the world is a better, safer place. :'''Ryan''': ''[beat]'' I'll do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edgar ''': You're fighting an unbeatable foe. You know that, right? :'''Mother's Milk''': Who? Vought? :'''Edgar''': Please. It's more powerful than Vought. Or Homelander. More powerful than nature or life itself. It's profit and loss; supply and demand; the elegant flow of currency across the globe. We're just cogs in a great machine, and we all have our part to play. Say you kill Soldier Boy, or Homelander, or even release this virus. When superheroes go out of fashion, something else will just take their place. Because corporations must still grow. Money must still be made. The machine must still be fed. That is the way of the world. :'''Mother's Milk''': Motherfucker. When this is all over... you're aiming to run Vought again, ain't you? :'''Edgar''': Like I said. We all have our part to play. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[pause]'' If that day ever comes... I have a part to play, too. And that's to put a bullet in your fuckin' skull. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Soldier Boy and Firecracker are on her TruthBomb talkshow set preparing for their interview together]'' :'''Firecracker''': It's an honor to have a great American like yourself on the show. I guess it runs in the family, huh? Homelander's father… Dang. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks at the gun at Firecracker's hip]'' Glock, huh? Never saw the appeal in foreign-made guns. :'''Firecracker''': Well, this ain't your granddaddy's Glock. This here's a 9mm Gen 5, seven-round capacity with a crisp fuckin' break. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, mine's a much longer barrel. ''[takes out his pistol]'' Battle-proven, all-American Colt 1911 chambered in .45 ACP. ''[cocks pistol]'' That'll blow your fuckin' panties off. Now, that little Glock–That's good for a late-night Harlem stroll, but uh, this here? That's a certified Kraut killer. :'''Firecracker''': I think you mean an antique. :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean a classic. You wanna give it a try? ''[Firecracker examines the pistol]'' Now, some can't handle the kick, but something tells me you'll do just fine. :''[Cut to Soldier Boy and Firecracker in bed together after having sex]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Whew. Well, I gotta hand it to you. I haven't fuckеd that hard since... since I railed Shari Lewis on the balcony of [[w:Studio 54|Studio 54]]. :'''Firecracker''': I ain't got no idea who that is. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well... Hey, why the hairless pussy? :'''Firecracker''': ''[gives Soldier Boy a disgusted look]'' What? :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean, what's the point of going down there if you're not gonna get a fat face full of fur? Is that how Homelander likes you? Like a baby? :'''Firecracker''': ''[sighs]'' More like a mother. :'''Soldier Boy''': But you two have fuckеd, right? :'''Firecracker''': ''[shakes her head]'' Mm-mm. :'''Soldier Boy''': Damn. I gotta admit, I was kinda just doing this as petty revenge against the freak. :'''Firecracker''': That's terrible. Who would do such a thing? And you shouldn't say that about your son. :'''Soldier Boy''': Ah, he thinks he's better than me. :'''Firecracker''': He doesn't. :'''Soldier Boy''': How do you know? :'''Firecracker''': I don't know much, but I can read people. And the way he looks at you? Shoot. I ain't never seen him look at nobody like that. :'''Soldier Boy''': Uh, that's not exactly a compliment, doll. He is the strangest mοthеrfuckеr I've ever known, and I've had a threesome with Gary Busey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryan and Homelander meet up at the now-abandoned VoughtLand building]'' :'''Ryan''': Do you remember when you took me here? Pretended to care about me? :'''Homelander''': I ''do'' care about you, son. I love you. :'''Ryan''': ''[pause]'' I need to ask you– :'''Homelander''': For my forgiveness? You already have it. :'''Ryan''': What? :'''Homelander''': Okay, let me finish. I put too much pressure on you to fill my boots. And–And I realize now that, uh... Well, that–that was impossible. But I do have some pretty exciting news. I am going to live forever now. I'll realize my own legacy. And you... ''[scoffs]'' you're off the hook. You can do whatever– :'''Ryan''': Did you do it? Did you rapе my mom? :'''Homelander''': What?! Of course not. Who told you–Did William Butcher tell you that? Your mother and I, we had an affair. A consensual affair between two adults. :'''Ryan''': Your heart's racing. :'''Homelander''': Well, yeah, because I'm shocked. And–And frankly, my heart's breaking a little bit that you could think I would do something like that. :''[Ryan lasers Homelander, leaving a visible wound near his chest]'' :'''Homelander''': Ryan... Ryan, stop! :''[Ryan lunges at Homelander and shoves him against the wall. Homelander ducks below Ryan's fist to avoid getting punched by him.]'' :'''Homelander''': Ryan! I don't know where this is coming from, because your mother… ''She'' came on to ''me.'' :''[Ryan punches Homelander twice and tries to laser him again. Homelander quickly dodges him again.]'' :'''Homelander''': ''Ryan!'' Son... ''[moves away to avoid another punch]'' Ryan! Ryan, buddy... Look what came out of it: My son! A blessing! ''[Ryan attacks him again]'' Hey, hey! Stop! :''[Ryan readies another laser, which gets redirected when Homelander grabs his face. He punches Homelander in the face again, but Homelander gets the upper hand and slams Ryan several times into a box. Homelander wipes blood away from his nose as Ryan whimpers in pain.]'' :'''Homelander''': Oh, Ryan... Dammit. Look at what you made me do. ''[pause; kneels down to restrain Ryan]'' Shh... Shh, shh, shh. Hey... It's okay. My sweet, sweet boy. :''[Homelander proceeds to punch Ryan repeatedly in the face until he is beaten nearly to death]'' ==''"King of Hell"'' [5.04]== :'''Homelander''': I need you for something. :'''Firecracker''': You do? :'''Homelander''': I have received the most wonderful message. I was visited... by an angel. And she foretold my destiny. :'''Firecracker''': Wow. Well, praise be. And what is it? :'''Homelander''': God. :'''Firecracker''': Sir, that is wonderful. There is no higher calling than servin' the Lord. :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. Not serving the Lord. Being the Lord. I am the Messiah. I'm the savior of the world. :'''Firecracker''': The... Messiah? :'''Homelander''': Yes. :''[Firecracker smiles despite her being clearly disturbed by Homelander's delusions]'' :'''Firecracker''': Um... Congrats. :'''Homelander''': Thank you. ''[pause; Firecracker giggles nervously]'' I always knew I was special. I knew it. I suffered. I suffered so many hardships, and I... I couldn't understand why, but you... You... You always saw it, didn't you? You knew all along I was special. That is why I have chosen you to spread the word of my coming. :'''Firecracker''': How? :'''Homelander''': Well, we control the most powerful media apparatus on Earth. Jesus would kill for our marketing. What do you say? :'''Firecracker''': ...Well, you know I would do anything for you, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Boys are hiking through the woods near Fort Harmony]'' :'''Kimiko''': It's weird. No birds or animals. It's like… :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' hell. ''[to Mother's Milk]'' Had to park on the other side of the state, didn't ya? :'''Mother's Milk''': Well, if the hike's too hard, why don't you try tying your boots, mοthеrfuckеr. :''[Hughie is shocked to see a heavily decomposed corpse]'' :'''Hughie''': Oh, fuck that. :'''Butcher''': Eh. Not really my type, son. :'''Hughie''': Hey, how about showing a little respect? :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, Hughie's right, Butcher. You should take her out to dinner first. ''[chuckles; sighs]'' Let's see here. Based on the decomp, these bodies have been here for a while. :'''Frenchie''': Something ripped them apart. Whatever killed those Boy Scouts might still stalk these woods. :'''Butcher''': Let's get a move on, then. Didn't come out here to get bummed by Bigfoot. :''[...]'' :'''Butcher''': Any sign of Super Cuqnt? :'''Mother's Milk''': Could already be inside. :'''Butcher''': Well, let's find out. :'''Kimiko''': ''[to Hughie]'' What's wrong? :'''Hughie''': Annie. :'''Kimiko''': She'll come back. :'''Hughie''': No. I almost died, but she made it all about her and she took off. I mean, last year, I got bad-touched by a shape-shifter, and she still found a way to make it about her. She can be such a fucking bitch. ''[pause; sees Kimiko looking at him in shock]'' Uh... Jesus. Sorry, I–I didn't mean for that to come out so harsh. :''[The Boys see an entire field littered with animal carcasses]'' :'''Butcher''': ''Fuckin' hell.'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The fuck happened here? :'''Frenchie''': Our V'd-up beast enjoyed an amuse-bouche, perhaps? :'''Butcher''': Well, explains why we didn't hear no animals. :'''Kimiko''': I said that ten minutes ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Boys discover more decomposed corpses as they make their way downstairs to the lab inside Fort Harmony]'' :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' hell. They've been here a minute, haven't they? :'''Frenchie''': Decades. Hunters... ''[pause; notices the knives embedded in the corpses]'' Look at their knives. These men, they killed each other. What if there is a monster here, but it's us? :'''Butcher''': What the fuck are you on about, Frenchie? :'''Frenchie''': [[w:Toxoplasma gondii|Toxoplasmosis]]. It's a parasite in cat shit. It can infect humans. Makes them react with explosive anger. :'''Hughie''': You think we ate cat shit? :'''Frenchie''': Ate? No... If the V1 spilled into the groundwater, it could mutate the plants. Their spores fill us with rage, we murder each other, and ''voilà''. We're plant food for these vines. :'''Hughie''': Okay, so like [[w:The Last of Us (video game)|''The Last of Us'']]? :'''Frenchie''': No, that is just [[w:The Walking Dead (comic book)|''The Walking Dead'']] with mushrooms. The dead campers, the animals, these hunters... Surely, you all see how strangely you've been acting. :'''Kimiko''': Us? I've seen you blow cоcaіnе up your dіckhole. :'''Frenchie''': Wait... You have a point. The copious amount of drug I've taken for decades has surely altered my brain chemistry. That's why I'm not affected. :'''Kimiko''': Guess being a junkie was good for something after all. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' Romeo and fuckin' Juliet. You two survive this war, I give you six months tops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander and Soldier Boy search the ground floor of Fort Harmony while the Boys are in the basement below looking for the V1]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sniffs]'' Smells like deer piss. The last time I was here, I was fresh off the front lines, still picking Nazi brains out of my hair. And only the best of the best got selected for Dr. Vought's trials. :'''Homelander''': Hmmph. :'''Soldier Boy''': Not soft little hog-chompers. :'''Homelander''': Of course. No, I forgot how tough you were. :'''Soldier Boy''': Hey, I'm not the weirdo who doesn't fuck. I mean, your cock's as useless as your cape. What's the point of being famous if you're not getting your dіck wet? :'''Homelander''': Oh, my dіck was sopping wet when I pulled it out of Stormfront and wiped it on her fucking chin! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; looks down at the decomposed corpses]'' Ooh, look. More uggos.  :'''Homelander''': Friends of yours? :''[They unknowingly set off the motion detector that the Boys set up near the stairs]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Oh, shit. They're right above us. :'''Butcher''': We best get the fuck outta here. Come on. :'''Hughie''': Hey. Hey, what about the V1? :'''Mother's Milk''': If Bombsight has the V1, then it saves us from having to torch it. :'''Hughie''': What are you talking about? Who's "us"? :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' What? You think the world needs more immortal cunts, do ya? :'''Hughie''': We need it to save Annie and Kimiko! You've been planning this this whole time, haven't you?! :'''Frenchie''': Shh. Homelander will hear us. :'''Hughie''': ''[to Mother's Milk]'' And you, you've just been going along with it again. :'''Mother's Milk''': We can't take the risk, Hughie. And if she has to be collateral damage so that Homelander dies and my daughter lives, we ain't got no fucking choice! :'''Kimiko''': Oh, easy for you to say. It won't fucking kill you! :'''Butcher''': Well, at least he knows when to keep his gob shut and do as he's fuckin' told! :'''Frenchie''': Shh! :'''Mother's Milk''': Excuse me? :'''Frenchie''': No, no, no. We don't have time for this. We need to find a way out now. :'''Mother's Milk''': Wanna know a little secret, Butcher? I ''cheered'' when I found out that you were dying, 'cause at least we'd finally be done with your miserable ass. :'''Hughie''': You know, I used to say to these guys, "Don't give up on Butcher. There's good in him fighting to get out." I was wrong. If there was ''anything'' human in there, it's dead. Underneath that chestful of octo-cocks, you are just a fucking monster. :'''Butcher''': Well, maybe I like it better that way. :'''Hughie''': That parasite's not just in you. It ''is'' you. ''You're'' the cancer! :'''Frenchie''': ''Lower your voices.'' :'''Hughie''': You are just as bad as Homelander, maybe worse. And I'm not gonna let you drag us all down with you. :'''Butcher''': And whatcha gonna do about it? :'''Hughie''': I'll fucking kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': ''[chuckles]'' Tough guy, my ass. :'''Soldier Boy''': What? :'''Homelander''': You, your whole bit. This whole "guts and glory" thing. What a fucking joke. I read your classified file. Your brother won a Silver Star for bravery at [[w:Battle of Anzio|Anzio]], and that's what made you beg your father to buy you a spot in Dr. Vought's trials. Because it killed you to see your brother dripping in all that glory, making you look all the more feeble in comparison. :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't know shit about me. :'''Homelander''': Really? I know that when they tried to inject you with the V, you were so fucking petrified that they had to strap you to the table. And you pissed yourself, crying for your mommy like the whiny, spoiled little rich boy that you are. They gave you the world, and you? You deserve ''nothing.'' :''[Soldier Boy stands by as Homelander walks into a small chamber]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, Christ. What's this shithole now? :''[Soldier Boy shuts the door while Homelander isn't looking and turns the wheel to lock him inside the chamber]'' :'''Homelander''': What are you doing?! :''[Soldier Boy bends the wheel with his bare hands and tears it off the door]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, well done. I'll be out of here in 30 seconds! :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. Maybe not. :''[Soldier Boy pulls down a lever to open a radioactive valve. Homelander's face immediately starts blistering from the radiation.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': It's enriched uranium. They'd stick us Supes in there to see if we could survive an atomic bomb. Now, for a normal joe, they'd be dead in minutes. But for you, it's a stomach flu. Good luck, though, getting out of a Supe-proof cell while you're bleeding out of your ass. :''[Homelander fails to kill Soldier Boy by lasering him. He punches the glass as Soldier Boy walks off.]'' :'''Homelander''': Where are you going? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'm gonna go destroy any V1 that I find, you Triple Crown cock jockey. :'''Homelander''': Why? :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't get it, do you? How much I can't fucking stand you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher sees Homelander trapped inside the uranium chamber]'' :'''Butcher''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, if only the world could see you now. Not so fuckin' super, are ya? You, uh... ''[points at Homelander's face]'' You got a bit of... ''[pause; Homelander coughs]'' Did your dad put you in timeout? Ooh… That's gotta sting, knowin' he'd rather spend eternity all alone than with the likes of you. What's the matter? Cunt got your tongue? Will wonders ever cease? ''[chuckles; lights cigarette]'' Tell me something. If you do get the juice in you, you think that makes you a god, don't ya? Seems like I know you pretty well after all. Which is why I know that even if you had a billion twats garglin' your bollocks and singin' "Hosanna", you still wouldn't be happy. 'Cause deep down, you're just a weak, thin-skinned, needy little boy. You beat the shit outta your own son. Don't get weaker than that. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs weakly while groaning in pain]'' Ryan is alive… because he's strong. 'Cause he's my son. The son of God. :'''Butcher''': You ain't no god. How's about I go fetch the virus, and then we'll watch you shit your fuckin' spine out? :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' You don't have it, do you? The virus. :'''Butcher''': …Don't I? :'''Homelander''': No, you don't. You would have used it by now. ''[coughs; laughs hysterically]'' You have no way to stop me, do you? Oh, William. You have no idea what you're up against. You can't intervene. I ''will'' get the V1, and when I do, I'm gonna flay you alive. You, Starlight, all the nonbelievers. You're all gonna ''fuckin' drown'' in your own blood. :'''Butcher''': I promise you, before I die... I'll fuckin' have you. ''[walks away]'' :'''Homelander''': YOU'RE ALL FUCKING PASTE! I can take what's mine, and that makes this WHOLE FUCKING SHITBALL ''MY BIRTHRIGHT! '''MY DESTINY!''''' ==''"One-Shots"'' [5.05]== :'''Firecracker''': Next up is a $500 million ad blitz with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital. Ain’t nobody won’t know about the Democratic Church of America… and its chosen prophet. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Prophets are servants. :'''Firecracker''': Of course, sir. Great point. We’re just trying to ease people into it. :'''Homelander''': No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension. We must be honest. We must be direct. I like “savior.” Or–Or… :'''Oh Father''': Lord. Yes, I couldn’t agree more, sir. Religion is not about being meek. We should dominate the seven mountains of society, bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth! Amen! :'''Homelander''': Amen. :'''Firecracker''': Amen! I love all that! :'''The Deep''': So fucking dope. :'''Oh Father''': Easter is just around the corner. How perfect would it be for your second coming to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection? :'''Homelander''': Mmm… Second coming? Let's be clear: I am not the son of God. :'''Oh Father''': Well, of course. Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son. :'''Homelander''': Well, that's just confusing. I don't want my church getting involved in all... that. :'''Firecracker''': Exactly. Besides, if we pull up our timeline, you won't have… ''[picks up a bag with a large book inside]'' this. :''[Firecracker kneels in front of Homelander, who accepts the book. He takes it out of the bag and sees "The Homelander Bible" with himself embossed on the cover.]'' :'''Oh Father''': We're gonna drag our feet because of a book? :'''Firecracker''': Not a book. ''The'' book. The Homelander Bible. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause; lifts the book with his hands]'' Heavy. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[quietly]'' What the fuck? :'''Firecracker''': It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the brand new American Testament, written by A.I. trained on the works of [[w:Pat Robertson|Pat Robertson]]. See, we need to pass the torch, sir. From Jesus to you. Sir, we don't get more than one chance at a first impression. Are we really gonna rush something this important? We ain't [w:Arby's|Arby's]], after all. :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Firecracker''': We're the [[w:The Cheesecake Factory|Cheesecake Factory]]. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs deeply]'' Okay. We'll do it your way. :'''Firecracker''': Thank you. :'''Sister Sage''': You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely to generate widespread civil unrest? :'''Firecracker''': Local law should be able to handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands in major metros. :'''Homelander''': Oh, let's recall all Supes stationed overseas. American heroes should be protecting America, not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Firecracker''': We ain't doin' that again. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[chuckles]'' That's what you said the last six times. :'''Firecracker''': No, I really mean it this time. :'''Soldier Boy''': You seem a little out of it. Did you nut? 'Cause usually, you nut. :'''Firecracker''': ''[sighs]'' Were you baptized? :'''Soldier Boy''': Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill. [[William Cameron Sproul|Governor Sproul]] did the honors. My family kept up appearances, of course. Then, we never set foot in church again. :'''Firecracker''': I had lunch today with the reverend who baptized me. He's been gettin' heat to switch over to our church. You think Homelander might be open to going easy on him? Just... give him a little more time? I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but that man practically raised me. :'''Soldier Boy''': So you didn't nut. You know, this whole Homelander as God shit, it's... it's fucking ridiculous. :'''Firecracker''': Really? You think so? :'''Soldier Boy''': If he's the second coming, then what does that make me? Joseph? I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history. Man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin, and then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet. Fuck that. :'''Firecracker''': I guess I've been struggling with where to place Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay. :'''Firecracker''': Of course I worship Homelander. I mean, he's always been a god to me. :'''Soldier Boy''': Look, I'll tell you this. If there is a God... sure as hell didn't come out of my balls. I gotta go. :'''Firecracker''': Where you off to? :'''Soldier Boy''': L.A… ''[snickers]'' I fucking hate L.A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Firecracker is filming her new episode of TruthBomb and starts reading her opening monologue from a teleprompter]'' :'''Firecracker''': Welcome to ''Truthbomb''. Our top story tonight's a personal one. It's the story of my hometown church, Holy Baptist of Daytona. It was the church I grew up in. Sang my hymns from the pews there every Sunday. But that church... That church… :''[The teleprompter stops scrolling]'' :'''Firecracker''': ''[beat]'' That church... has become a hotbed of Starlighter infestation. And my old pastor, Reverend Greg Dupree, has been infected by Starlight's seditious propaganda. Now... I never told a soul this, but when I was a little girl, the reverend regularly had me over for supper. Alone. ''[pause; chuckles]'' No. Nothing ever happened to me, but... ''[sighs]'' I heard stories about his "Fish Fry Fridays." And if that ain't code for child groomin', I don't know what is. How much longer are we gonna let these institutional pedo churches diddle our babies? Americans deserve better. They deserve... Homelander. They deserve the Democratic Church of America. ''[starts crying]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Would you like some knee pads? :'''The Deep''': Sorry, what? :'''Soldier Boy''': You're looking at me like you wanna suck my hog. So I'm asking you if you would like some knee pads. :'''Homelander''': Go easy on the little guy. He brought me Stan Edgar. :'''The Deep''': Thank you, sir. :'''Homelander''': You may leave. :''[Soldier Boy stays behind with Homelander in the conference room as the rest of The Seven leave]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What crawled up your shithole? :'''Homelander''': No idea what you mean. :'''Soldier Boy''': When you're pissy, you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy too. Stan Edgar still stonewalling you? :'''Homelander''': I've talked to him three times now. Says he has no idea where the V1 is. Heart rate steady as a rock. I'm starting to believe him. :'''Soldier Boy''': That slippery fuck used to fetch my cоcaіnе. ''[pause]'' You know what? I have an idea. Why don't I take a crack at him? ''[Homelander stares at him]'' What, you don't trust me? :'''Homelander''': Well, you did lock me in a room with nuclear material and tried to stop me getting the V1, so I'm sure you can understand my hesitance. :'''Soldier Boy''': You could've killed me at Fort Harmony, but you didn't. Maybe I feel like I owe you. :'''Homelander''': Or maybe you're lying. :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. ''[inhales deeply]'' Give me an hour. I'll meet you at Edgar's cell. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hughie''': If you and M.M. still think– :'''Butcher''': Oh, for fuck's sakes, Hughie. Knock it off with this V1 shite! You're doin' me fuckin' head in! ''[sees his dog Terror eating out of the trash]'' Oi, Terror. Cut it out. Come on. ''[to Hughie]'' Now, listen. If we do find that stuff, we're not makin' any fuckin' vaccines out of it, alright? We're not the department of fuckin' health. We burn that shit before Homelander gets his paws on it, and that's that. :'''Hughie''': Well, if you wanna kill yourself, knock yourself out, but why do you have to decide for the rest of us? :'''Butcher''': Oh, 'cause I'm fuckin' right! 'Cause I've always been right! I've been tellin' you lot from the fuckin' start the sky is fallin', and guess what? The sky fuckin' fell. :'''Hughie''': Well, you kinda helped bring it down. :'''Butcher''': Oh, don't give me that bollocks. Listen, Homelander thinks he's a fuckin' god. Once he becomes immortal, he's gonna start killin' like one, and we are talkin' millions of people. Now, are you tellin' me you're honestly happy to risk all of that for a life on the run with your girl, knowin' that you could've stopped it? You can live with that, can ya? :'''Hughie''': What if it was Becca? You'd just let her die? :'''Butcher''': …I ''did'' let her die. :'''Hughie''': Look… I know that Homelander comes first. I really do. All I'm asking is that we try. Annie and Kimiko deserve that much. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mister Marathon and Malchemical try to convince Soldier Boy to kill Homelander while he is unconscious]'' :'''Mister Marathon''': Hey, man, we don't have a problem with you. Honest, ''[stutters]'' but–but fuck this fucking guy. You know, he fuckеd my life. Look, if you help us get rid of him, then we all win, and you–you can have The Seven. And I don't even, like, really care if you bring me back or whatever. :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't need to kill him to get The Seven. :'''Mister Marathon''': No. Yeah, of course not, but what about all that creepy shit he's doing with that church? I mean, they're rounding up everybody cool. All the hοοkers, the drug dealers. :'''Malchemical''': They wanna ban pοrn. I mean, they wanna ban fucking abortions! :'''Mister Marathon''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay, well, banning abortion would be a big problem for me personally. :'''Mister Marathon''': Exactly, for all of us. So, if we kill him, we can stop worrying about being cops or gods or asexual weirdos. You know, we can go back to fucking and–and being fucking awesome! :'''Malchemical''': Look, we know you've got that fucked-up chest blast thing. I mean, I was at Herogasm. I saw it. :'''Mister Marathon''': Just finish him now. Take away his powers, so we can curb stomp him while we have the chance.  :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat]'' He is a fucking asexual weirdo. :'''Mister Marathon''': Yeah. :'''Malchemical''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': But as much as it pains me to say this, he's ''my'' fucking asexual weirdo. Nobody fucks my son but me. :'''Mister Marathon''': What? :'''Soldier Boy''': …That came out wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Firecracker sees Homelander sitting on the couch in the Seven common room]'' :'''Firecracker''': Homelander… How was L.A.? Did you catch tonight's ''Truthbomb?'' :'''Homelander''': I did indeed. And it was a real barn-burner. Well done. :'''Firecracker''': ''[smiles]'' Thank you, sir. That means the world. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' How's sеx with my father? ''[Firecracker's smile disappears]'' Is he good at it? Are you thinking about me when you're making love to him? :'''Firecracker''': I never meant to cross a line or offend you in... :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Don't fret, little one. I don't care about the sеx, really. But I ''do'' care about your little chats after sеx. :'''Firecracker''': Sir, whatever Soldier Boy told you, I can assure you that I... :'''Homelander''': You mean your inner turmoil when it comes to me and, uh, Jesus? Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me? :'''Firecracker''': No, you are my one and only savior. :'''Homelander''': You say that, but your jagged little heart is whirring like a hummingbird. ''[sighs; gets up from the couch]'' You're supposed to worship me, love me and me alone. :'''Firecracker''': I do. :'''Homelander''': I believed in you. Turns out, you don't believe in me. ''[pause]'' I need you to collect your things and leave. :'''Firecracker''': But I ''do'' believe in you. I love you! I am the only one here who ever has! I gave you ''everything!'' I gave you my soul! Everybody else here, they're just... They're just scared of you. Or they want something from you, but I have always loved you for you. Just the strongest, smartest, best man on Earth. :'''Homelander''': ''[scoffs]'' Man? :'''Firecracker''': No, no, no, no, no. ''[gets in front of Homelander]'' A god. No. No, ''the'' God. My Lord, that look you used to get when you'd suckle me? I felt like Mother Mary herself. I felt blessed to nourish someone as important as you. ''[pause; Homelander sighs]'' But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it? You cast me out into the cold, which was so much worse than never feeling your warmth in the first place. So all I have been tryin' to do is to get you to see me the way that you used to. Hell, only reason I was with Soldier Boy was that your reflected light is better than no light at all. Please, sir. I love you. We all need love, don't we? Even God. :''[Homelander reaches his hand out to touch Firecracker's cheek, then kills her by impaling her head on the left wing of an eagle statue]'' ==''"Though the Heavens Fall"'' [5.06]== :''[Hughie and Annie are laying down on the hood of his car looking at clouds together]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, so that one? :'''Annie''': Mm-hmm. :'''Hughie''': It’s like a rabbit, but it’s got way too many feet. :'''Annie''': Really? I see a frog eating a dick. This is definitely in my top five. :'''Hughie''': Top five what? :'''Annie''': Things to do with you. :'''Hughie''': You’re saying that like… this is the last time we’re gonna get to do this. Hey, listen to me. The guys are gonna find Bombsight, they’ll get the V1. You’re not dying. We will have plenty of time to look for filthy shapes in the clouds. :'''Annie''': God, I don’t know where it comes from. This… unshakeable hope. :'''Hughie''': Whenever I’d get upset as a kid, which was a lot… my dad would always say, “You know, son, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react.” And that was infuriating. But then, I spent a year in an internment camp, and I had no control over anything. I’d just lay there at night, just… so fucking angry, hearing my dad’s voice in my head… but then I finally understood what he meant. ‘Cause the only thing I had left was… hope. And it is ''really'' fucking hard to hang on to, but I… I’m trying. :'''Annie''': I think… you might be low-key the strongest person I know. :'''Hughie''': I’d prefer high-key… ''[Annie chuckles]'' but thank you. :'''Annie''': ''[beat; points at the sky]'' Look, it’s–it’s Big Bird eating a dick. :'''Hughie''': You see an unsettling amount of dicks up there, I’m just saying. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander and Soldier Boy look around Bombsight's empty house to find the V1]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': You sure this is the right address? :'''Homelander''': I'm sure. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, there's no sign of Bombsight... or fucking anyone. Maybe Crime Analytics got a bad tip. :''[Homelander sees a laptop on the table. When he opens it up, a video of him and Stormfront having sex starts playing. He notices Soldier Boy watching along with him and closes the laptop.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck was that? :'''Homelander''': I can explain. :'''Soldier Boy''': That was Clara. You told me she killed herself. :'''Homelander''': She did, after Ryan did ''that'' to her. It's his fault. :'''Soldier Boy''': So then what? You locked her in your apartment like some kind of amputee fuck doll... :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Soldier Boy''': ...and filmed her for kicks? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no! It wasn't like that! I did... I did everything I could to keep her alive, to–to make her happy. ''[Soldier Boy punches him]'' Just listen to me, okay?! It wasn't all like... that. I couldn't let her go. I didn't know how... because I loved her. And so did you. :'''Soldier Boy''': You're goddamn right I loved her. :'''Homelander''': She wouldn't want us fighting over her. :'''Soldier Boy''': Don't fucking tell me what she would want! You knew her for five minutes; I was with her for decades! :'''Homelander''': Hold–Hold on. This–This is a setup. Someone's trying to separate us. This has been plan... Fucking Sage. It's Sage. You see? She's trying to screw with us. ''[Soldier Boy turns around to leave]'' Oh, come on! I can't find the V1 without you! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; turns back around]'' Good. You don't deserve to live forever. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher tries to call Bombsight using one of his old phone numbers, but gets a fax machine instead]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': That a fuckin’ fax machine? :'''Butcher''': Yeah, it’s the last of the numbers she had for him. ''[to Golden Geisha]'' Oi. Twenty-three fuckin' numbers you had for Bombsight, and they’re all fuckin' shite? :'''Golden Geisha''': Do you know how to delete them? I was telling you the truth. I have no idea where Bombsight is, or how to reach him. So just let me go. :'''Butcher''': Kimiko, keep an eye on her. :''[Frenchie joins Butcher and M.M. on their way back to their hideout]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The fuck do we do now? :'''Butcher''': Fetch us some pliers and put the screws to her. She knows more than she’s lettin’ on. :''[They open the door to their hideout and walk inside]'' :'''Frenchie''': Or she doesn’t. I’m sorry, but she’s not that good of an actress. :'''Sister Sage''': He’s right. ''[sarcastically when M.M. and Frenchie aim their guns at her]'' Ooh, I know. The villain switching sides in the final hour. What a twist, a shock that never happens. But unclench those assholes, fellas. I’m here to help. I’m a free agent now. I came alone. You can shoot me in the heart whenever you like. :'''Butcher''': That’s a good idea. ''[takes out and cocks his gun]'' :'''Sister Sage''': That would go against our mutual interest. :'''Butcher''': Which is? :'''Sister Sage''': Stopping a petulant, laser-eyed narcissist from also becoming immortal. I want him dead as much as you do. :'''Mother's Milk''': You spent the last couple of years building Homelander up, and now you wanna tear him down? Why the fuck should we trust you? :'''Sister Sage''': You can’t trust me. Honestly, you shouldn’t, but you will. :'''Frenchie''': And why would we do that? :'''Sister Sage''': I know Campbell and Starlight are headed to plant your little virus. You can trace anyone, if you know what to look for. And you baboons, you leave a trail of banana peels wherever you go. I could have stopped you, I could have killed you... but I didn’t. :'''Butcher''': That virus is gonna wipe out the fuckin’ lot of ya. And you don’t strike me as the suicide type. :'''Sister Sage''': I will be in my nice, quiet bunker, reading [[w:Ludwig Wittgenstein|Wittgenstein]] in peace. That is, unless that bleached blonde baby gets his hands on V1 and survives. You must have realized by now Granny out there has no clue how to contact Bombsight, but I do. And I can get him here. So... let me help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I wanted to say... I'm very sorry about this. I watched every episode of ''Undercover Geisha'' when I was a kid. I loved it, even the parts that were ridiculous racist stereotypes. It meant so much to see someone who looked like me on TV. ''[brief pause]'' We watched with Japanese subtitles. It's how I learned English. :'''Golden Geisha''': If you're such a big fan, let me go. :'''Frenchie''': ''Désolé'', but we cannot. Not until we get the V1 that Bombsight possesses. :'''Golden Geisha''': Wait, that's what you're after? V1? ''[laughs]'' :'''Kimiko''': What–What's so funny? :'''Golden Geisha''': I'll tell Bombsight to just give it to you. I sure as hell don't want it. :'''Kimiko''': ...He stole the V1 for you, so you two could be together forever. ''[pause]'' But you didn't take it. :'''Golden Geisha''': ''[shakes her head]'' I said no... which is why he left. I guess, for him, watching me get old was too painful. :'''Frenchie''': I'm sorry, I do not understand. Why won't you take it? :'''Golden Geisha''': To live forever? It'd be torture. ''[scoffs]'' You're both so young. You wouldn't understand. :'''Kimiko''': Maybe I would. :'''Golden Geisha''': Summer is only beautiful when you know winter is coming. :'''Frenchie''': ''[beat; to Kimiko]'' Is this how you feel? :'''Kimiko''': ''[nods]'' Annie and I talked about it. We'd have to... ''[signing]'' We'd have to watch you and Hughie waste away. Neither of us wants to die, but... we don't wanna be vampires either. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Legend leads Homelander inside the Boys' hideout, which is deserted]'' :'''The Legend''': Okay, um... :'''Homelander''': No one here. :'''The Legend''': I grant you, it–it looks like that, yeah. But this–this is their hideout, so I'm sure there's plenty of clues all over here. ''[picks up a receipt]'' Here you go. ''[Homelander sighs]'' Oh, no. Well, this is nothing. But, you know, they have to have left something behind, you know? :'''Homelander''': ''[looks at the receipt; chuckles]'' Hmmph. It's not nothing. :'''The Legend''': It's a Taco Bell receipt. :'''Homelander''': No, ''this is Sage!'' Taunting me! :'''The Legend''': Okay. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs frustratingly; sits on bed]'' This makes no sense. This makes no sense. This makes no sense! ''[chuckles]'' You said I would get the V1. You said I'd be a god. Did I do something wrong? Did I fail you? I did everything you asked me to. I gave my boy up. Please, don't leave me here to just rot. Don't just let me become ''nothing'' like ''him.'' Please… :'''The Legend''': ''[beat]'' I gotta assume… The only reason you're saying all this stuff is, you're... You're not gonna let me walk out of here alive, are you? Yeah? Okay. Yeah. ''[pause]'' Alright, look, kid. I've been around a long time and I… This is just how it goes. You know all those old Supes at the home? Every one of them had their moments in the sun and they all thought it was gonna go on forever. And every one of them got shoved out in the end. They all got shoved out. All of them. And I know what I'm talking about; I did the shoving. I mean, look at Goldie. One minute, she's on the set of ''Undercover Geisha'', getting finger-popped by Lorenzo Lamas. The next, she's shilling for VoughtAlert necklaces and Activia poop yogurt. :'''Homelander''': Geisha sells VoughtAlert necklaces? :'''The Legend''': Guess you don't watch your own news channel. The point is, look, there comes a day… I got shoved out, too. Never saw it coming. Did not see that coming, and I fought it like hell. But in the end... bupkis. There is a natural order to things. And the more you fight the inevitable, the more the inevitable just… cunt-punts you. ''[pats Homelander's shoulder]'' Yep. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; gets up]'' You're not scared of me. :'''The Legend''': No, I'm not scared of you. I… I feel for you, kid. I do. I mean, you're a fucking whackjob. But, you know, there's talent. So… No surprise there. ''[pause]'' So, there you go. Do what you gotta do. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' ...You can go. :'''The Legend''': I–I can go? :'''Homelander''': Leave. No words. Just go. Now. Go. ''Now.'' :'''The Legend''': Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. :''[After The Legend leaves, Homelander makes a call on his cell phone]'' :'''Operator''': How can I help you, sir? :'''Homelander''': I need the tracking coordinates for a VoughtAlert necklace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Tough skin or not, I can still break your fuckin' neck! :'''Bombsight''': Ben, stop. Please. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; lets Bombsight go]'' Goddammit. :'''Bombsight''': ''[beat]'' I can't give it to you. :'''Soldier Boy''': Goldie doesn't even wanna take it. :'''Bombsight''': Then maybe someday, I'll find someone who will! :'''Soldier Boy''': You were always gonna fuck it up with Goldie anyway. You could never hold down a girl! It was either a smack needle up your dick or— :'''Bombsight''': Having to stand next to you? You were everyone's favorite from the start, especially Clara. Everything they wanted us to be–everything they were working towards–they saw it in you. I fucking hated you for it. :'''Soldier Boy''': No. No, I wasn't everything Clara wanted. I didn't know how to be. :'''Bombsight''': But you loved her. What wouldn't you give to have her back... forever? :'''Soldier Boy''': …I really fuckin' hate you. :'''Bombsight''': No shit. :'''Soldier Boy''': But we don't have to kill each other. I can take away your immortality... and your powers. You won't have to live forever alone. Then, you and Goldie can spend whatever time you have left like you want. :'''Bombsight''': Why would you do that for me? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'd do it for the V1. :''[Bombsight hands a case to Soldier Boy, who opens it to find a V1 syringe inside. The Boys hear an explosion from far away and run towards it. Cut to Bombsight looking at the wound near his shoulder.]'' :'''Bombsight''': This is the first time I've seen my blood in... I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander finds Soldier Boy with the V1 syringe he received from Bombsight. The Boys and Sister Sage watch them from the nearby woods.]'' :'''Homelander''': Don't. I don't wanna fight you. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks down at the syringe]'' You know, Clara used to say the craziest shit. That I was the strongest Supe alive, the ultimate expression of what we could be... but she was wrong. ''[pause]'' She hadn't met you yet. :''[Soldier Boy offers the syringe to Homelander, who accepts it]'' :'''Butcher''': No. :'''Sister Sage''': I don't understand. He wasn't supposed to... It's impossible. :'''Homelander''': But you hate me. :'''Soldier Boy''': I love her more... and this is what she would want. :''[Homelander lasers his left arm and injects the V1 into his wound. His eyes immediately start flickering and he kneels to the ground in pain. The Boys watch in horror as Homelander screams and shoots powerful lasers into the sky.]'' :'''Butcher''': '''''Run.''''' ==''"The Frenchman, the Female, and the Man Called Mother's Milk"'' [5.07]== :''[A V1-empowered Homelander sits in President Calhoun's chair in the Oval Office. He hears a knock at the door]'' :'''Homelander''': Come in! ''[in a cheerful tone as Ashley and Calhoun enter]'' Hello, you two. Isn't it a beautiful day? :'''Calhoun''': ''[nervously]'' You're welcome to use this office as long as you need. :'''Homelander''': I know. Let's get right to it! While Oh Father is hard at work on my divine unveiling, I have a few action items I need you to handle. :'''Ashley''': Of course. Anything, sir. :'''Homelander''': The Democratic Church of America is to be the ''official'' national religion, based around the one true god: Me. :'''Calhoun''': Great idea. :'''Homelander''': I want every boundary between church and state dissolved. I want troops sent into every sanctuary city that took in Starlighters. Issue an executive order banning abortion. Also, breastfeeding is now mandatory. Babies need their mothers, not fake milk. Actually, outlaw that, too. :'''Ashley''': Sir? :'''Homelander''': ''[intensely] Ban nut milk.'' The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making you think nuts were milk. ''[snickers after a short silence]'' :'''Calhoun''': Those are all, uh, fantastic ideas, sir. Um... I'll run them by Congress– :'''Homelander''': No, disband it. :'''Calhoun''': Sorry? :'''Homelander''': Disband Congress. It's better for freedom. :'''Calhoun''': Well, sir, I don't really have that authority. :'''Homelander''': ''[frowns]'' Ashley, do me a favor. Read Steven's mind. I wanna know if he's a true believer. :'''Calhoun''': But of... course I am, sir. :'''Homelander''': Terrific! Then you have nothing to worry about. ''[gets up and steps over to Ashley]'' Do it. :''[He rips off her wig, and she gasps and covers her face in shame as "Back Ashley" is revealed]'' :'''Calhoun''': ''[revolted]'' What the fuck is that? :'''"Back Ashley"''': Don't look! :'''Homelander''': Don't make me ask again. :'''"Back Ashley"''': ''[stammering in fear]'' Sir, I–I... Sir, I... :'''Ashley''': ''[sighs; steels herself and turns back to Homelander]'' He's terrified of you, sir. He thinks you're just a tiny bit psychotic. :'''Homelander''': Steven! ''[steps towards Calhoun, glaring intensely]'' Here I am. A living god. ''[rests his hands on Calhoun's shoulders]'' Right before your eyes. And still, your faith wavers? ''[beat; Calhoun is clearly too terrified to answer]'' It's okay. No, I'm not angry. ''[clasps his head gently]'' But I ''am'' disappointed. :''[He crushes Calhoun's head into a pulp, then wipes the blood off his hands on a sofa. An utterly terrified Ashley stares at Calhoun's body as Homelander sits back down.]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie sees Kimiko suffering from radiation exposure inside a homemade uranium chamber while Butcher and Frenchie watch]'' :'''Hughie''': What the fuck is going on in here? :'''Kimiko''': I'm okay. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Frenchie]'' The second she's ready, we go the next dose, alright? :'''Hughie''': "Next dose?" Are you kidding?! Look at her! What are you doing? :'''Butcher''': Plan fuckin' B, my son. If at first you don't succeed, find another hole to fuck. See, Soldier Boy's flashy tіt blast got me thinkin', he–he weren't born with that power. The Ivans gave it to him through a consistent application of scientific methodology. :'''Frenchie''': They threw an atom bomb worth of radiation at him. :'''Butcher''': Right. So, usin' the research we nicked from 'em a few donkeys back, me and Frenchie are doin' the same thing to Kimiko. She gets Soldier Boy's power, she tіt-blasts Homelander, bees and fuckin' honey. :'''Hughie''': So when we kept asking what you two were up to, and you kept saying, "Mind your fuckin' business, cunt," it was this? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. :'''Hughie''': Butcher, this is... the most insane-ass shit I ever heard. In a few weeks, you're gonna somehow do what it took the Russians over a decade? :'''Butcher''': Yeah, 'cause unlike the Ivans, we got us a livin', breathin' supercomputer bunked down in student services. :'''Hughie''': Sage? All she does is self-medicate and binge [[w:Love Island (American TV series)|''Love Island'']]. This could fucking kill Kimiko. Frenchie… :'''Frenchie''': No. It's not my wish. :'''Hughie''': Fuck Butcher. Who cares what he wants? :''[Kimiko coughs and stumbles out of the uranium chamber]''  :'''Kimiko''': Not Butcher. ''[panting heavily]'' Me. It's my call. <hr width='50%'> :'''Annie''': Oh Father's up to something big at Vought Studios, but we don't know what. Could be a trap. :'''Frenchie''': Could be. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Frenchie]'' You stay here with Kimiko and Sage. We'll bust into the studio, nab the holy twat, stomp on his bollocks till he gives us Homelander's next move. And then I'll do the cunt and we'll call it an honest day's work, yeah? :'''Hughie''': No. Quit acting like we're going on a milk run. It's over. ''[voice breaking]'' We lost. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' [[w:Victoria Beckham|Posh Spice]] was easily the most shit member of [[w:Spice Girls|the squad]]. Could barely sing or dance. No discernible talent whatsoever. Wasn't even featured on [[w:Wannabe|"Wannabe"]], but did that stop her? No. You look at her now... still married with [[w:David Beckham|Becks]]. Fifteen engagement rings, 32 ''Vogue'' covers, inducted by Prince William into the Order of the bloody British Empire. Even I doubted her move into women's apparel, but her line is a staple at Paris fuckin' Fashion Week. You see, despite her obvious disadvantages–includin' a tragic inability to smile–she never gave up, and we ain't givin' up either. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shakes his head]'' Your fuckin' pep talks. :'''Frenchie''': Terrible. :'''Annie''': The worst. :'''Butcher''': Ah, bollocks. That was a fuckin' knockout. <hr width='50%'> :''[Alone and depressed, The Deep tosses an aluminum can into the sea. A hammerhead shark appears and [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|speaks to him]]]'' :'''Xander''': Yo! You gonna get that, bro? :'''The Deep''': Xander! ''[chuckles]'' Hey, what you doing here? So good to see you, man. :'''Xander''': We wouldn't want a little guppy to get caught in that can, my man. Come on in, grab it. ''[swims in circles]'' :'''The Deep''': I've had such a fucked day, man. You wouldn't believe it, bro. :'''Xander''': Yeah. Get in the water, man. :'''The Deep''': No. You're not... You're not listening to me– :'''Xander''': ''[angrily]'' Ah, shut the fuck up! We know you were responsible for the pipeline genocide. Remember March 15th, motherfucker! :'''The Deep''': No... No, wait, that–That wasn't me, man! :'''Xander''': If you step one foot, one fucking stupid-ass simian toe in the water ''ANYWHERE''—an ocean, a stream, a fucking puddle—on God, son, you're dead! We're gonna ''KILL YOU!'' You understand, you dumb motherfucker?! Water is fucking off limits to you! ''YOU ARE '''DEAD''' TO US! [swimming away]'' Bitch-ass! <hr width='50%'> :''[Soldier Boy sees Homelander standing over a scale model of a Homelander-themed amusement park]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': The fuck is all this? :'''Homelander''': Hey. HomeLand. Next phase of the reboot. Showing the faithful my boundless love for them. ''[points at a monument of himself]'' That there? The Homelander Mount. We're saying that this is where the angel visited me, and I ascended to godhood. :'''Soldier Boy''': …Right. :'''Homelander''': You're gonna love this. ''[waves his hand over a rollercoaster]'' This area here? We're calling it: "Soldier Boy: Father of God!" All the fastest rides are gonna be there, and every night, there's gonna be a ticker-tape parade, honoring you. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' I'm gonna head down to Bogotá. Figure I'll snort and fuck my way through the banana republics. :'''Homelander''': Uh... When are you coming back? :'''Soldier Boy''': Probably not for… ever. :'''Homelander''': What? Look, if you don't like the park, I mean, forget it. I don't–I don't care about any of it. You want hοοker and blow? I'll get you all the drugs and all the wrinkly old whοres in America. :'''Soldier Boy''': No, you're not hearing me. :'''Homelander''': No, you're not hearing ''me.'' I am where I am because you chose me. To help me. So, I want you to have whatever you want. :'''Soldier Boy''': What I want is to get away. :'''Homelander''': From what? ''[scoffs]'' Or from who? :'''Soldier Boy''': This just ain't my bag, kid. :'''Homelander''': I welded your shield back together, you never use it. I hired you a three-star Michelin chef, all you ever order is meatloaf and chili. I even had L.J. mock up a new super suit for you. :''[Homelander pulls out a poster of Soldier Boy wearing an American flag-patterned suit]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, God. See, that's what I'm talking about. :'''Homelander''': Oh, God? What?! :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't want that. And another thing: I gave you the V1 because of Clara. Because that's what she would've wanted. This was never gonna be a "playing catch on the front lawn", "fixing up the old Impala" bullshit. You're too weird. :'''Homelander''': Stop fucking saying that. :'''Soldier Boy''': And you're no god. No angel came to you. You had a wet dream about some chick with big, juicy tіts. If that makes you a god, then I'm a fucking god every night. :'''Homelander''': '''I ''AM'' GOD!''' :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' Would it help if I said, "It's not you, it's me"? :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs softly]'' If you wanna go, go. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sighs; pats Homelander on the back]'' Good luck, son. :''[Homelander suddenly grabs Soldier Boy from behind and puts him in a chokehold until he passes out]'' :'''Homelander''': I love you. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mother's Milk''': Help me out here. In the movie, was Homelander God, the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]], or Jesus' brother? 'Cause the world-building in there was fuckеd. :'''Annie''': Does it even matter? I mean, they will believe whatever he tells them. What is the fucking point of saving people if they don't wanna be saved? This is what they want. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[beat]'' Alright. So, back when my Gramps got killed by Soldier Boy, shit got rough. Neighborhood kids laughed, called me soft, shit like that. And then one day, I find this pigeon on the sidewalk, wing busted. He was in bad shape. So, I run inside, grab a shoebox and a first aid kit, and come to start nursin' it. I figure, if I can save just this one life, maybe it might somehow make up for... Anyway, those same fuckin' kids, they found out. And so now, it don't take a genius to go from Marvin Milk to Mother's Milk. "Yo, Mother's Milk, you letting that sky rat suck on your tіttіеs or that dіck?" They were relentless. Right up until the day when that little bird flew outta my house and right over their heads, good as new. And you know what, Annie? Here's the crazy thing: I loved my new name. 'Cause I loved helpin' people. I loved being kind, makin' my family proud. That name was a badge of honor for me. Now, last year, locked up in that detention center, something changed. My heart, it just got scarred over. Like the world had just broken it one too many times. And yeah, it got easier, just being cynical. Checking out. But I also hated myself a lot more. I went from being a mοthеrfuckеr with a heart to just being a mοthеrfuckеr. But you know what? Givin' a shit in a world where nobody gives a shit? It ain't soft. It's hard as hell… and that's the real me. ''[pause]'' And that's the real you, too. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher and Hughie are captured by a psychic shapeshifter named Synapse]'' :'''Synapse''': How are you two feeling? :'''Butcher''': Why don't you just fuck off outta my head and I'll tell ya. :'''Synapse''': I already know. You wanna rip me in two, which makes a tiny bit erect, not gonna lie. But believe me… I'd rather not be in that rat's nest of yours. So much pain, regret and abject failure. Like with this fucking guy. :''[Synapse's body twitches as he transforms into Joe Kessler]'' :'''Synapse/Kessler''': ''[chuckles; sighs]'' I got a little bit of an erection myself. You miss me? :'''Hughie''': Who's this? :'''Butcher''': He ain't real. He's just fuckin' with us. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': Come on, man. ''[to Hughie]'' Joseph Alan Kessler. I served with Bill. Actually, you know what? More than that. Billy and I… ''[makes a hand heart gesture]'' we were besties. See, the problem you're having is that curdled cottage cheese you got inside your skull that remembers me as being some sort of a sociopath head case. That hurts my feelings, Billy. It’s not true. That wasn’t me. No, that was always you. You know, sometimes, Billy’d get real friggin’ blitzed. All quiet and sullen. And then he’d admit that he had this darkness inside of him. A shark that couldn’t stop. ''[pause]'' You see, Billy had no conscience. So, I was there to be that for him. Pull him back when he went too far. ''[to Butcher]'' Does that ring any bells? :'''Butcher''': Just ignore him, Hughie. It’s just psyops bollocks. That’s all. Just bollocks. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': Do you remember when the night finally came to cash that check? Panjshir Valley. We were there to take out this mid-level ISIS clown. Billy got us into the compound. The problem is that we got this call that this asshat had a hundred men that were minutes behind us. Now, any sane command leader, they’d pull their men out. Make sure they were safe. But not Billy, no. See, Billy got that little glint in his eye. Wouldn’t give the order, so I got in his face. I screamed at him, "The target’s not worth it. The target wasn’t worth it!" ''[beat]'' Nothing, so I popped him one. Smacked him right there on the forehead, got him this sweet little scar you see. But Billy? Well, Billy didn’t budge. No. And sure as shit… we were surrounded. Good news is that old Butcher, he got his target. The issue was that Billy was the only member of the unit to walk out of there alive. So, he will ask you to pull him back. But the truth of the matter is, is you are fucked when you get in his way. Lot of dead canaries in old Billy Butcher’s coal mine. Anyway… Good luck with that, Hughie. :'''Butcher''': Why don’t you just piss off, you fuckin' nonce? We ain’t tellin' you shite. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': You don’t have to tell me “shite.” I know everything. I’ve been inside your cassava the whole fucking time. I’ve just been distracting you. Let’s see, Sage is in an abandoned school in Erie, Pennsylvania, and Kimiko? Seriously? You’re gonna saddle her with Soldier Boy’s power blast? Are you fucking insane? ''[laughs]'' Homelander is gonna love this shit. Alright, boys. I’ll see you soon. <hr width='50%'> :''[Frenchie taps on a wall to divert Homelander away from Kimiko and Sister Sage. Homelander immediately comes to Frenchie and sees him inside the homemade uranium chamber.]'' :'''Homelander''': The Frenchman. ''[opens the door]'' Where are the others? Where's Sage? :''[Frenchie says nothing and smirks while giving Homelander the middle finger]'' :'''Homelander''': Oh, ha-ha-ha. ''[pause; walks into the chamber]'' You don't really think you're gonna recreate Soldier Boy's little party trick, do you? :'''Frenchie''': We already did... and they're coming for you as we speak. So gargle my hairy nutsack, you Nazi ''putain''. And gargle on this. :''[Frenchie flips a lever up to expose Homelander and himself to radiation. They both groan in pain as their faces start blistering.]'' :'''Frenchie''': Look at you. I bet you never danced a day in your life. ==''"Blood and Bone"'' [5.08]== :'''Homelander''': It's alright. I'm not here to hurt you. :'''Ryan''': You mean like last time? :'''Homelander''': Look at you. No harm done. :'''Ryan''': How'd you find me? :'''Homelander''': Crime Analytics caught wind of a young man flying outside Kolvereid. Tends to draw attention. :'''Ryan''': I don't want your help. :'''Homelander''': I know. You've made that very clear. But you're also the son of God, and you should not be sleeping in a barn. You can have a whole floor of the Tower. Do what you want with it, come and go as you please. :'''Ryan''': I don't wanna be anywhere near you. :'''Homelander''': Everything is different now. I've ascended. I'm immortal. :'''Ryan''': Then, why do you give a shit about what happens to me? :'''Homelander''': Because we're family. ''[Ryan scoffs]'' We have the same blood pumping through our veins. :'''Ryan''': Yeah, well, you've got your shitty racist dad. So you don't need me. :'''Homelander''': No, Soldier Boy doesn't matter. You and I, that's all that matters. I know you, because I ''am'' you. And you're me. :'''Ryan''': Dad… Get fuckеd. I am nothing like you. You were already the most powerful person on Earth. And you were a lonely, miserable piece of fucking shit, throwing tantrums when you didn't get what you want. Why the fuck would more power make you any better? It's just gonna make you an even more lonely, miserable piece of shit. Scaring people into calling you God doesn't make you God. And deep down, you know that. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; tearfully sighs]'' It's okay. You don't know what's going on. It's okay… but you will. <hr width='50%'> :''[After M.M. kills Oh Father by blocking his mouth with a metal mouth gag, causing his head to explode and spill blood all around]'' :'''Hughie''': I really need a new job. <hr width='50%'> :'''The Deep''': Starlight... It was all a test. Yes! The universe is rewarding me for my loyalty, just like [[w:Sean Connery|Sean Connery]] rewarded [[w:Kevin Costner|Costner]] at the end of ''[[w:Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves|Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]''! :'''Hughie''': Sweet ''Jesus'', you're a moron. :'''The Deep''': ''[glances at him in annoyance, then points at Starlight]'' I'm gonna kill you. And then Homelander will finally see. :'''Annie''': ''[to M.M. and Hughie]'' I got him. Keep going. :''[She lunges at the Deep, carrying them both through a window and across Washington before they crash land on a seashore. They both pick themselves up, and the Deep keeps trying to attack her.]'' :'''Annie''': Why are you doing this, huh? Risking your life for a man who wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire? :'''The Deep''': I'm his right-hand bro! He'll piss on me whenever I want! :'''Annie''': Listen... I know you're scared-- :'''The Deep''': I'm not scared of shit! :'''Annie''': Deep, ''Kevin''... I can see in your eyes. Homelander terrifies you, but he sure as fuck doesn't respect you. Don't you wanna be free of it? Of him? :'''The Deep''': That fucking mouth of yours...! :'''Annie''': This isn't about me. :'''The Deep''': OF COURSE IT IS! I used to have it all! Real power, respect, a Top 50 STARmeter on [[w:IMDb|IMDb]] Pro! But all the bad shit started when ''you'' showed up! I LOST EVERYTHING! :'''Annie''': ''You'' made those fucked-up choices. You ruined your own life. You're not a fucking baby. For once, take some responsibility for yourself. :'''The Deep''': ''[exploding with rage] '''NOOOO!''''' :''[They fight, and though the Deep manages to knock her to the ground once, Annie delivers several heavy blows, including one to his groin, before blasting him and sending him flying backwards into the sea. He is immediately surrounded by a mob of angry sharks.]'' :'''Sharks''': Justice for Ambrosius! :'''The Deep''': ''[terrified]'' Oh my God! Oh, shit! I'm so sorry! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Stay away from me! :''[He pitifully tries to swim back to shore, but a [[w:Giant Pacific octopus|giant octopus]] grabs him by the leg.]'' :'''Octopus''': Say her name! :'''The Deep''': Fuck! I'm sorry! Oh, shit! :''[The octopus uses its tentacle to impale him through his backside, the tip erupting from his mouth. He is then dragged under, and the sharks devour him in a cloud of blood as Annie watches in shock.]'' :'''Annie''': ...Huh. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander gives his Easter address from the Oval Office and begins reading from a teleprompter]'' :'''Homelander''': My fellow Americans... Happy Easter. A day commemorating Jesus, who, as we all know, was tortured, stripped of his dignity and killed. And that's all well and good.. but you're Americans. You deserve a God who doesn't die. A God who fights back. A God you can believe in. Well, today, I bring you good news. Recently, I was visited by an exquisite angel bearing the gift of revelation. As I bathed in her light, her heavenly lips spilled sweet truth into my ear, and I was awakened to my true purpose. Not just to be the world's greatest hero but to save all humanity. To be... the Second Coming. But in a way, really, I'm the First Coming. America... I am the Lord. Your savior. ''I am your God.'' And as such, I'm going to usher this world into a new, golden dawn. An age in which your God moves among you, seen and heard. Your prayers are truly answered when you visit "homelander.church." And all I ask for in return… I simply ask that you open your hearts and put your faith in me. Those who accept my truth will be welcomed into a land of milk and honey. For I am your Fa… :''[Homelander stares blankly at the teleprompter when he sees the word "Father"]'' :'''Homelander''': I am… ''[beat]'' But no matter what I do, some of you people will never accept me into your hearts. Never love me. Never believe in me. And to such heretics, I offer oblivion. And those who seek to destroy me, you will die the most horrible of deaths, as befits your wickedness. My reign will last forever, and when this world is cold and dead, I shall remain. Eternal. God of the ashes. :''[Butcher and Kimiko suddenly break into the Oval Office]'' :'''Butcher''': Evening, cunts. Daddy's home.  :'''Homelander''': William. ''[pause]'' I was starting to think you weren't going to hold up your end of our deal. :'''Butcher''': Scorched earth? :'''Homelander''': A shame about the French one. How's your little science experiment going without him? :'''Butcher''': Let's find out. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander is now at Butcher's mercy after losing his powers]'' :'''Butcher''': Shock and awe, my son. Blood and fuckin' bone. :''[Homelander charges toward Butcher, who grabs Homelander's fist with his left hand and punches him three times with the other. Butcher grabs Homelander again and prepares to land another punch.]'' :'''Butcher''': This... is for Frenchie. :''[Butcher beats Homelander's face to a bloody pulp, knocking him down to the floor and leaving him blubbering in fear]'' :'''Homelander''': Stop! You owe me. All the times I could've killed you and I didn't, I let you live. I'll–I'll give you Vought. ''[Butcher picks up his crowbar]'' I'll give you Vought, alright? You can do whatever you want with it, okay? I'll–I'll... ''[stammers]'' Becca. You want your wife back? I'll have a shape-shifter be her. ''[whimpers]'' Just tell me! I'll fucking suck your dіck! Please! I'll do anything! You want me to eat shit? I'll eat your fucking shit! I'll eat your fucking shit on live TV! ''[pause; Butcher knocks him down against the desk]'' Madelyn, you promised me. It's not real. ''[to Butcher]'' You can't fucking do this. ''You can't fucking do this! '''I am the Homelander!''''' :'''Butcher''': No. No, you ain't nothing. And this... This is for my Becca. :'''Homelander''': No, no... :''[Butcher stabs Homelander in the head with the crowbar. He lifts it upwards, breaking Homelander's skull open and spilling his brains all over the desk.]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie confronts Butcher at Vought Tower to stop him from releasing the Supe virus. Butcher is looking out the window when Hughie enters the main conference room.]'' :'''Butcher''': Traffic? :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Accident on the bridge. Should've taken the tunnel. :'''Butcher''': ''[turns around]'' I thought you might try to stop me. But you shouldn't have come alone. You should've brought a fuckin' army. :'''Hughie''': No. If you were gonna release the virus, you would've done it already. :'''Butcher''': Unless... I'm waitin' for all the Supe cunts to clock in for the day shift. Not much point shootin' spunk into an empty fuckin' building, now is there? :'''Hughie''': Okay, well, now I kinda wish I brought an army. Where's the virus, Butcher? :'''Butcher''': I dumped it in the sprinkler tank. Frenchie's idea, God rest the mad bastard. ''[picks up remote controller]'' All I gotta do is pull this trigger, and it rains kill juice on all 99 floors. Shit will be worldwide within a couple of days. :'''Hughie''': Why? I mean, we already won. :'''Butcher''': Won? No, we just gave 'em a black eye. As long as there's Vought, there'll be Supes. And sooner or later, some cunt that's already out there becomes the next Homelander, and you fuckin' know it. No. We need to end the whole bloody notion of Supes, and we need to make it permanent. I mean, you can see it, right? This is it. This is the moment. :'''Hughie''': You dragged me through fucking hell... for this. For now. To be your... canary. Or your Kessler. Or Lenny. But here's the thing: You don't need me for that. You never did. It's already in you. I can see it. You might have a broken fucking heart, but you have one. You are not a monster, Butcher. It just hurts to be human. :'''Butcher''': I'm sorry, mate. Superheroes... are done. :'''Hughie''': ''[pulls out gun]'' I can't let you do it. :'''Butcher''': Petit Hughie and his gun. Takes some big bollocks to pull the trigger on a mate. :'''Hughie''': ''[aims the gun at Butcher]'' I will if I have to. :'''Butcher''': ''[chuckles]'' Nah. You ain't got the… :''[Butcher takes the gun from Hughie, punches him and throws him across the room]'' :'''Butcher''': Stay down. :''[Butcher sees Hughie staring at the remote and rushes to take it before Hughie does. Hughie quickly gets up and trades more blows with Butcher, spitting blood onto the floor after getting punched hard in the gut. Eventually, Butcher gains the upper hand and picks up the remote while Hughie lies helpless on the floor. Before he can pull the remote trigger, he has a hallucination of Lenny lying in Hughie's place. He gets shot in the abdomen by Hughie as he moves his finger away from the trigger. Realizing what he did, Hughie rushes to Butcher's side.]'' :'''Hughie''': I'm sorry. Um... I didn't wanna–I didn't wanna do that. Um... I'm–I'm gonna call an ambulance, okay? :'''Butcher''': I wouldn't bother. It's all right, Hughie. I gave you no choice. I... I wasn't gonna stop. All the blood... and shite I put you through... and none of it made a blind bit of difference. You–You stayed yourself... no matter what I done. ''[coughs]'' :'''Hughie''': Hey. :'''Butcher''': …I don't know what to do. :'''Hughie''': You don't need to do anything. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat; Hughie holds his hand]'' You really are... the spittin' of Lenny. :''[Butcher slowly loses his grip on Hughie as he dies]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': ''[last lines; to his and Annie's unborn daughter]'' Take care of your mom, Robin. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|The Boys season 5}} {{The Boys}} [[Category:The Boys (TV series) seasons]] 89503qhi74hjb33hhcpi2pzlykmrnum 3944578 3944565 2026-05-23T19:48:16Z ~2026-30795-45 3328279 /* "Blood and Bone" [5.08] */ 3944578 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 1|1]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 2|2]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 3|3]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 4|4]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 5|5]] [[The Boys (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Boys (TV series)|The Boys]]''''' is an American superhero television series developed by Eric Kripke for [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Amazon Prime Video]]. Based on the comic book of the same name by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson, it follows the eponymous team of vigilantes as they combat superpowered individuals who abuse their abilities. ==''"Fifteen Inches of Sheer Dynamite"'' [5.01]== :''[Homelander meets with Sister Sage after the Flight 37 video gets leaked to the public by Annie]'' :'''Sister Sage''': We knew this would happen sooner or later. We've been ready. In the last 24 hours, we have flooded the zone with so much disinformation, people can't tell their clit from their collarbone. The share price is only down half a point. Besides that, damage is minimal. :'''Homelander''': ''[points at open book]'' What's this? :'''Sister Sage''': That is a Gutenberg Bible. Martin Shkreli sold it to me at discount. :'''Homelander''': You're really on top of the world, huh? Peter Thiel, the Obamas calling you for advice. Everyone loves you.  :'''Sister Sage''': You can't really think I care. :'''Homelander''': Maybe you didn't used to. :'''Sister Sage''': It's all for you. The higher the share price, the happier the billionaires. The more you get to do whatever the fuck you wanna do. :'''Homelander''': Are you aware that NNC is calling me a murderer? Saying that maybe I even did something to my son? :'''Sister Sage''': No. Everyone knows that Ryan is... ''[sighs]'' Sorry. That he is at boarding school. In Svalbard. ''[chuckling]'' That story's holding. We're good. :'''Homelander''': And how–how about you, Sage? Are you… good? :'''Sister Sage''': I'm fine. :'''Homelander''': You're not distracted at all? After Thomas Godolkin dumped you? You're not numbing the heartache by stabbing your brain? :'''Sister Sage''': No. :'''Homelander''': Then, just tell me. How did Starlight get in the building? ''[beat; exhales]'' I WAS '''HUMILIATED!''' As if people don't hate me enough! :'''Sister Sage''': Your numbers are north of 96. :'''Homelander''': Anyone can smile for the pollsters, sure, but millions of them are still Starlighters in their hearts! Where it counts! Have you seen the memes? Have you seen the ''memes'' about me?! ''[brief pause]'' Posting them should be a crime. :'''Sister Sage''': Yes, but we can't go... ''[notices Homelander glaring at her]'' Oh, you're serious. Uh, sir... ''[chuckles]'' Ongoing conflict is useful to us. It keeps people afraid… :'''Homelander''': Shut up. :'''Sister Sage''': …which is exactly what we– :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no, no! NO! You promised me Caesar. :'''Sister Sage''': He was stabbed by his best friends. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, well, I can relate to that! But I need people to be ''devoted!'' To '''''me!''''' :'''Sister Sage''': May I speak freely? :'''Homelander''': Give it a shot. :'''Sister Sage''': I told you, no matter how much power you amass, it will not make you happy. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' You know what's gonna make me happy? I think I'll be happy when Starlight and William Butcher are corpses. I want it leaked that in three days, we are going to execute Hugh Campbell, Milk, and the... French one. That'll draw out Starlight and Butcher, and then I will take care of this once and for all. :'''Sister Sage''': Consider it done, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Oh, wow. Your skin is so oily, like hugging a McRib. :'''Annie''': Wait, did you—Did you just... How?! :'''Kimiko''': Speech therapy and fucking therapy therapy and so much fucking TikTok. :'''Annie''': Well, you sure sound like you're on TikTok. :'''Butcher''': Sixteen-hour flight and not a fucking peep. :'''Kimiko''': 'Cause all you can say is "Oi, oi, oi. Cunt, cunt, cunt". :'''Butcher''': I liked her better with her mouth shut. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Annie''': Took you long enough. Slowing down in your old age? :'''A-Train''': ''[laughs and hugs Annie]'' Fuck you, [[w:Killing of JonBenét Ramsey|JonBenét]]. :'''Kimiko''': You guys are friends? :'''A-Train''': You talk? :'''Kimiko''': Mm-hmm. :'''Annie''': Reggie's been helping us out for a while. :'''A-Train''': ''[takes drink from Annie]'' Thanks. Where is everybody? ''[pause]'' I heard about the Pittsburgh raid last month. Go Marie Moreau. How's her team doing? :'''Annie''': Yeah, they're scoring a few wins, but not nearly enough. :'''A-Train''': So, what's with the 911? :'''Annie''': Hughie, M.M. and Frenchie are gonna be executed tomorrow, so we need your help to break them out. :'''A-Train''': Of a Vought prison camp? You're fucking crazy. :'''Annie''': Listen, you don't have to fight, okay? We just need you to run them to the extraction point. It's easy. :'''A-Train''': Easy. Right. You know Homelander's gonna be waiting. I can't. :'''Annie''': We know how to kill him, okay? But we need Frenchie to do it. :'''A-Train''': Great. Well, good luck with that. :'''Annie''': Hey, are you gonna keep running forever? I mean, if we're gonna really take him out, we need your help. :'''A-Train''': So what, I'm just supposed to join this little fucking supergroup? :'''Annie''': I mean, we are down one asshоlе, so… Yeah, maybe. :'''A-Train''': ''[pause]'' No. :'''Annie''': Why not? :'''A-Train''': I said I can't. :'''Annie''': I know you're scared… :'''A-Train''': No, I'm not fucking scared! I got a family to protect. ''[Annie sighs]'' I can't. :'''Annie''': I get it, I do. Me, too. ''[pause]'' Keep them safe. :''[Annie and Kimiko watch A-Train run off]'' :'''Kimiko''': We shouldn't have let him go. :'''Annie''': No. Homelander fuckеd him up. Fuckеd me up, too. We're gonna need an Exit Plan B. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hughie, Frenchie and Mother's Milk go over their escape plan]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, so we hit the east gate. :'''Frenchie''': ''Oui'', Petit Hughie, when the guards change shift. :'''Hughie''': And we go at dawn. :'''Mother's Milk''': We've been through this. :'''Hughie''': I know. I just wanna go over it a few more times just so I can get it in my head. :'''Mother's Milk''': Hughie… ''[holds out moonshine jar]'' Take a fuckin' drink, will you? :'''Hughie''': No, thanks. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shrugs; to Frenchie]'' ''Mon ami?'' :'''Frenchie''': You know I quit. :'''Mother's Milk''': Leave it up to you to have your shit the tightest you've ever had it in a fuckin' internment camp. :'''Frenchie''': Yeah, what about you? Have you been eating the fresh produce I smuggle in? :'''Mother's Milk''': Moonshine's got corn in it. ''[takes a sip of moonshine]'' :'''Frenchie''': ''[beat; to Hughie]'' Hey… Don't worry. Annie will be fine. She's strong. :'''Hughie''': ''[takes liquor bottle from Frenchie]'' Kimiko, too.  :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' Y'all mοthеrfuckеrs are trippin'. Y'all don't know what the fuck's going on with them. ''[to Frenchie]'' Hey, you don't even know where Kimiko's at. :'''Hughie''': What, so you don't think you're gonna see Janine and Monique again? Is that it? :'''Mother's Milk''': What I know is that they're a shit ton safer without me making a mess out of their lives. :'''Hughie''': M.M., you're the strongest guy I know. We've been in tougher spots than this. :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, I did two tours in the 3/8 in Farah Province. The shit I saw would ''fuck you up''. And even that was [[w:Emily in Paris|''Emily in Paris'']] compared to the shit that we looking at here. And even if we make it outta here, we ain't surviving this fuckin' war. We are dead men walking. Chin-chin, mοthеrfuckеrs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hughie is shocked to see all of his prison bunkmates brutally murdered in their bunker. He sees Homelander sitting on his bed reading from his journal.]'' :'''Homelander''': "Well, Annie, today marks two months. It's a little insane how much I miss you. I've been having trouble eating. Every day, I see people giving up, but not me. Because I have you." It's very, very sweet. :'''Hughie''': They were innocent. :'''Homelander''': Oh… ''[looks briefly at one of the corpses]'' Well, I'd hardly call them innocent. They lied to me. Played dumb about your little stash in the wall there. We've known about that for quite some time, but I just wanted to give you a little hope. :'''Hughie''': You're not the one who gave it to me, asshоlе. :'''Homelander''': Ooh, I like Internment Camp Hughie. She's zesty. :'''Hughie''': Fuck you. Do it. :'''Homelander''': What? :'''Hughie''': Kill me. :'''Homelander''': Not until we flush out Butcher and Starlight. :'''Hughie''': You think they're dumb enough to just walk right into your trap? :'''Homelander''': Let's not insult each other. We both know they're coming. ''[throws the journal at Hughie's feet]'' Do you remember when we first met? :'''Hughie''': How could I forget? :'''Homelander''': Believe Festival. I tried to cleanse your soul. I remember thinking... ''[sighs]'' "Why him?" What does Starlight see in this gangly simp that reeks of fear and Strawberry Smoothie kids' shampoo? You know, William and Victoria Neuman love you, too. I mean, I get it from your perspective. You're punching up. Good for you. But why are they so hopelessly devoted to such staggering mediocrity? Why would Starlight and Butcher piss away their lives to try and rescue you? :'''Hughie''': Because I'd do it for them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher and Kimiko find Hughie, Frenchie and Mother's Milk tied up and gagged by Homelander when they break into the Vought internment camp]'' :'''Hughie''': Butcher?! Oh, fuck. :'''Homelander''': ''[waves]'' Surprise. Welcome, William. ''[to Kimiko]'' And you. The gang is almost all here. Oh, and uh, ''[looks down at Mother's Milk]'' you never told me that this one's nickname is... Mother's Milk. ''[licks his lips; laughs]'' Okay. So, what's the big plan? What, are you gonna sandbag me with the Godolkin virus? ''[Butcher looks shocked]'' Yes. I know all about it. :'''Kimiko''': Suck my fat dіck! :''[Homelander lasers Kimiko in half. The top half of her body falls to the floor.]'' :'''Homelander''': Hey, where's Starlight? Just doesn't feel like a party without my little lightning bug here... ''[pause; stares at Butcher]'' Jesus Christ, William. You've got a viper's nest in there. I'd heard about it, of course. But seeing it for myself, it's uh… it–it's incredible. I mean, it's fucking disgusting of course, but it's–it's beautiful. What you've done to yourself, what you've become… and you did all that for me? ''[pause]'' Now that… ''that'' is devotion. You know, William, I know we're not exactly equals, but I'm compelled to say… you are the only one that's ever challenged me. And there's a part of me that will be sad to see you go. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A-Train gets badly injured while being chased by Homelander, who eventually catches up to him]'' :'''Homelander''': Looks like someone ''can'' catch the A-Train after all. End of the road, buddy boy. :''[A-Train starts laughing at Homelander as he gets back up]'' :'''Homelander''': What's so funny? :'''A-Train''': What was I so afraid of? You are… fucking nothing. :'''Homelander''': Really? :''[Homelander lifts A-Train and pins him against a tree]'' :'''A-Train''': ''[grunts]'' Really. You're just an empty fucking suit. Take away these powers… and what are you, huh? A pathetic… weak… sniveling fucking loser. :''[Homelander wraps his hand around A-Train's neck and slowly chokes him. A-Train continues laughing until Homelander snaps his neck, killing him instantly.]'' ==''"Teenage Kix"'' [5.02]== :'''Oh Father''': We fight hellfire with holy fire! We fight with the ballot box! We fight with the ammo box! Matthew 10:34 — "I do not come to bring the peace, but a sword"! You are not here to be blessed, you are here to do war! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': Goddammit, A-Train. It didn't need to come to this. I don't know, you left me no choice! I know that my leadership style can be stern, but it was for your own good! I like to think of myself as the big brother that you never had. You remember that girlfriend you had? Uh... Pop... Popfang. Betrayed us both to William Butcher, no less. Huge mess, your fault. What did I do? ''What did I do?'' I gave you a chance to make things right, I reached out my hand... and you bit it! What did I ever do to deserve that? What, was I too nurturing? Too forgiving? Well, maybe. But dammit, you weren't like the others: Snakes, backstabbers. I could count on you, man. I ''did'' count on you. I loved you... but here we are. Why does this keep happening to me? I guess the strongest men are the most alone. You wouldn't understand. Nobody does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander releases Soldier Boy from his cryogenic chamber at Vought Tower. Soldier Boy wakes up the next morning in Homelander's bedroom.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no. It's okay. It's okay, I don't wanna hurt you. You're safe, okay? You've been in deep freeze again. :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, Jesus Christ. For how long? :'''Homelander''': Almost two years in a CIA black site. I just found out this morning. :'''Soldier Boy''': You found out this morning? :'''Homelander''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': But that just happens to be in your room? ''[pause]'' Did you fuck me? :'''Homelander''': ''[legitimately confused]'' What? :'''Soldier Boy''': Is this some kind of incest thing? :'''Homelander''': No! :'''Soldier Boy''': Then, what the fuck is this? :'''Homelander''': ''[stammers]'' Look, I... I want you to find William Butcher. :'''Soldier Boy''': Find him yourself. :'''Homelander''': Well, the people that work for me are limited. And you are the best tracker there is. I just–I need you to find him and report back. Very simple. :'''Soldier Boy''': You want me… to work for you? :'''Homelander''': Well, why don't we say "work ''with'' me"? And... I can help you. I can give you a proper comeback. :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't need you for that. :'''Homelander''': Well, the whole world does think that you're a Russian spy, so… :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Okay. Alright, listen to me. I'm no ass-felching Commie. You got that?! :'''Homelander''': I know, I know. And listen, I am Vought now. Me. So, the public, they're gonna believe that you are whatever I tell them you are. I can resurrect you. I can give you back what you lost. I can even make you number two in The Seven. :'''Soldier Boy''': Number two? ''[Homelander nods]'' Or how about I finish the job, and blast you to Kingdom Fuck. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, you could try. Who knows, you might even fry the V right out of my blood. Or you might not. But I'm betting that you hate William Butcher more than you hate... me. After all, I'm–I'm not the one that betrayed you, am I? :'''Soldier Boy''': I tried to kill you. The minute I turn my back, how do I know you won't return the favor? :'''Homelander''': Look...  :''[Homelander picks up Soldier Boy's shield and gives it to him]'' :'''Homelander''': You find William Butcher for me… all is forgiven. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat; looks at the shield]'' Looks like a fuckin' kindergarten ashtray.  <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': Soldier Boy, ''[points at Calhoun and Ashley]'' this is the President, Vice President of the United States of America. They work for me. Everyone, Soldier Boy is gonna be number two in The Seven once he has located William Butcher and Annie January. :'''The Deep''': What? Wait–Wait, what, sir? No, sir. I... I can do this. I can bring them in. :'''Homelander''': Oh, like you did with A-Train? We're going in a new direction, Deep. Competence. ''[to Calhoun]'' Oh, and Steve, Soldier Boy's gonna need a full pardon. :'''Calhoun''': Well, sir, he–he was guilty of... you know, treason. ''[pause; Homelander just stares at him]'' Consider it done, sir. :'''Homelander''': Terrific. And you know what? I'm sure the man's dying for a drink. Uh, Steve, can you make him a… :'''Soldier Boy''': Manhattan. :'''Homelander''': Manhattan. Thanks, Steve. :'''Calhoun''': Of course. Can I get you a glass of milk, sir? :'''Homelander''': ''[sternly]'' No. Steven… I'll also have a Manhattan. :'''Soldier Boy''': Goddamn. Since when could Supes teabag the President? :'''Homelander''': Since me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher sees Hughie looking despondent on their way back to the Teenage Kix mansion]'' :'''Butcher''': Oi, fuckin' smile, Hughie. I mean, ain't you a little glad A-Train's dead? :'''Hughie''': …No, I'm not glad he's dead. A-Train did a lot of horrible things, but he saved our lives, and he died a hero. A real hero. There are a lot of other Supes that don't deserve to die either. :'''Butcher''': Listen, I know you just done a year in the gulag. You've earned your seat at the table, so... I'll give it to ya straight. You gotta knock this wet, gaping pussy shite on the head, mate. Ain't doin' no one no favours. Especially your girl. I mean, that's why she's givin' you the cold shoulder. :'''Hughie''': Don't talk to me about Annie. You don't know what's going on with her. :'''Butcher''': Well, I know that she finally knows the fuckin' score. And she knows that you poncin' about with this Jiminy Cricket, "listen to your heart" bollocks is just gonna get her killed. :'''Hughie''': Is there any part of you left that's still human? ''[pause]'' You're gonna get Annie killed, not me… but I won't let you do it. :'''Butcher''': Noted. :''[A shield suddenly pierces the windshield of the Boys' truck. Hughie catches the virus vial right as they crash into another vehicle.]'' :'''Hughie''': Fuck! :'''Kimiko''': Hughie, the vial! :'''Hughie''': It's good. ''[stares at the shield]'' Wait, is that...? :''[They see Soldier Boy walking up the street towards them]'' :'''Butcher''': Well, well, well. :'''Kimiko''': He's dead, right? He's supposed to be dead? :'''Butcher''': Supposed to be. Mallory put him in ice for a bit. :'''Hughie''': ''[slowly turns to face Butcher]'' You're telling us this ''now?'' :'''Butcher''': Somebody up there likes us, mate. :'''Hughie''': In what fucking way?! :'''Butcher''': Well, we wanted a guinea pig. Who better than Homelander's old man? New plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butcher''': Oi. Ain't you supposed to be a giant ice dіldо? :'''Soldier Boy''': Aren't you supposed to be smart? Renting a truck under the name "Don T. Beakunt." Same alias when we headed to Herogasm. :'''Butcher''': Well, oldie, but a goodie. :''[Soldier Boy sees Hughie and Kimiko get out of the truck and run away]''  :'''Butcher''': No, mate. Just you and me. :''[Soldier Boy shoots Butcher three times, but to no avail. Butcher, still standing, looks down at his chest then looks back up at Soldier Boy.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': I guess it's true. You're one of us now. :'''Butcher''': Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Then fuckin' beat 'em. :'''Soldier Boy''': Being super is not gonna save you. :'''Butcher''': That don't stop us helpin' each other. Homelander's double the cunt now, if that's even possible. He needs doin' more than ever. You still fancy his seat on The Seven, don't ya? :'''Soldier Boy''': Fuck you! We had a deal! I held up my end of the bargain, and you sold me out. Put me back in a fucking box! And for what? 'Cause I was gonna kill some dumb kid? :'''Butcher''': That kid is your grandson. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, was it worth it? You feeling good about that call right about now? Where is that fucking brat? :'''Butcher''': Homelander's the one fuckin' you over, mate. Or did he mention that we've got an uber virus strong enough to kill every fuckin' Supe on the planet? :'''Soldier Boy''': Bullshit. :'''Butcher''': God's honest. The things this virus can do... ''Fuckin' diabolical.'' Why d'you think he sent you here instead of coming himself, hmm? You're the sacrificial cunt. Again. :'''Soldier Boy''': I guess we'll see. :'''Butcher''': You don't get it, do ya? Me, Homelander, your old crew–Everyone fucks you over. Do you wanna know why? 'Cause you... are a dumb fuckin' twat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Hughie Campbell. How is a useless cock-gobbler like you still alive? :'''Hughie''': All your jokes are about dudes blowing dudes. You're kind of obsessed! :'''Soldier Boy''': Is this the virus he was going on about? The so-called "Supe Killer"? Well, not today, you semen-swilling butt pirate. :'''Hughie''': What? ==''"Every One of You Sons of Bitches"'' [5.03]== :''[Homelander has a psychotic breakdown and hallucinates Madelyn Stillwell appearing to him as an angel]'' :'''Homelander''': Madelyn...! :'''Madelyn''': Oh, my boy! My sweet boy... What is wrong? Why are you unhappy? :'''Homelander''': My father and my son! Everything, it's all falling apart! :'''Madelyn''': No! No, it's exactly what needed to happen. Yes, it's been foretold! You're about to ascend. Become immortal. Divine. A true god with the love of the world. :'''Homelander''': But– :'''Madelyn''': I know, you think love is weak and human. But who is more loved than Jesus? And why should he have more love than you? You save more people than he does. The one, true god... :'''Homelander''': Yes... But how? How? Millions of people just hate me... :'''Madelyn''': Well, then you baptize the unfaithful in their own blood. Rip babies from their mothers' wombs. :'''Homelander''': Yes... :'''Madelyn''': Skin parents in front of their children. Rid the world of the wicked. :'''Homelander''': Yes... :'''Madelyn''': The nonbelievers... :'''Homelander''': They'll call me a monster... :'''Madelyn''': Oh, the only ones left will be your faithful. And they will love you in their hearts. They'll cry happy tears at the mere thought of you. You have one last task, my love. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Homelander? :'''Homelander''': Up here. :'''Soldier Boy''': What do you– ''[sees Homelander taking a bath]'' What in the fuck? Is that milk? :'''Homelander''': Better. Breastmilk from the NICU at Mount Sinai. :'''Soldier Boy''': So, what? You asked me up here so I could watch you swim in tit jizz? :'''Homelander''': I wanna give you another chance. :'''Soldier Boy''': You wanna give ''me'' another chance? :'''Homelander''': Yes. Help me find that V1. :'''Soldier Boy''': I'd rather fist myself with a handful of razors. Besides, Cleopatra Jones said there's no V1 to find. :'''Homelander''': Oh, there most certainly is. And I am going to find it. :'''Soldier Boy''': Yeah? What makes you so sure? :'''Homelander''': ''[smiling]'' An angel told me. It's my destiny. :'''Soldier Boy''': Just when I thought there was a ceiling to how fuckin' weird you could get. :'''Homelander''': Yes, yes. Make your jokes. You've been blessed with immortality, and what have you done with it? Drink and fuck yourself numb. You... ''You'' are a disappointment. You see... ''[stands up and gets out of the tub]'' I am not gonna waste my immortality. I am gonna take what's rightfully mine. I'm asking you if you want a seat at the table because you're my father. But with or without you... a reckoning is coming. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat]'' You know, all I see is a freak. A freak with a bushel of gray pubes. Try some Just for Men. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher takes Ryan to a pub to discuss his plan to kill Homelander with the Supe virus]'' :'''Butcher''': All you do is get him on the blower and tell him you wanna see him. When he rocks up, you chuck the shit in his face... and that'll be it. :'''Ryan''': Why me? :'''Butcher''': 'Cause he won't leave the fortress of cuntitude for anyone else. :'''Ryan''': So this is what you wanted to talk to me about. Killing my dad. :'''Butcher''': Listen, mate– :'''Ryan''': Is that all you think I'm good for? :'''Butcher''': I ain't gonna treat you like a kid no more, alright? You're done with that. Homelander raped your mum. He's gonna burn everything down, and you are the only one who can stop him. Now... Normally, I don't put no stock in any of that bollocks about destiny, but if anyone's got one, it's you. :'''Ryan''': ''[pause; sighs]'' I throw this virus at him... what'll happen to me? :'''Butcher''': You'll die. I'll be close by and we'll go together. Now... I ain't gonna lie to you. This… this is not what your mum wanted… But it's the only way. And it will be justice. :'''Ryan''': You're asking me to kill myself? :'''Butcher''': You wouldn't be the first lad to throw his life away in a war... but you would be the first to save the world doin' it. ''[beat; sighs heavily]'' I'll fetch us a pint. :''[Later, Butcher returns with a pint of beer]'' :'''Butcher''': Here. Told her you were 30. ''[Ryan chuckles]'' Fuck the leather, fuck the lace, here's to the bird who sits on yer face. ''[takes a long sip of beer]'' :'''Ryan''': Where'd you pick that up? :'''Butcher''': Me old man. :'''Ryan''': You two close? :'''Butcher''': Nah, not really. He was a... a piss artist. Used to lose all his money on the gee-gees–horses–and then, he'd come home, beat the livin' daylights outta Len and me. And then later, laugh about it with his mates. Yeah, he was a right cunt. :'''Ryan''': Where is he now? :'''Butcher''': Bottom of the Thames. I put him there, just the other day. Only wish I'd done it sooner, before he caused more... more damage. :'''Ryan''': Butcher... Do you think that I could ever... That I might turn into my dad? :'''Butcher''': …I don't know. :'''Ryan''': ''[sighs]'' My mom... Aunt Grace... the others... All I do is hurt people. I can't be around anyone. :'''Butcher''': Without us–without Supes–the world is a better, safer place. :'''Ryan''': ''[beat]'' I'll do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edgar ''': You're fighting an unbeatable foe. You know that, right? :'''Mother's Milk''': Who? Vought? :'''Edgar''': Please. It's more powerful than Vought. Or Homelander. More powerful than nature or life itself. It's profit and loss; supply and demand; the elegant flow of currency across the globe. We're just cogs in a great machine, and we all have our part to play. Say you kill Soldier Boy, or Homelander, or even release this virus. When superheroes go out of fashion, something else will just take their place. Because corporations must still grow. Money must still be made. The machine must still be fed. That is the way of the world. :'''Mother's Milk''': Motherfucker. When this is all over... you're aiming to run Vought again, ain't you? :'''Edgar''': Like I said. We all have our part to play. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[pause]'' If that day ever comes... I have a part to play, too. And that's to put a bullet in your fuckin' skull. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Soldier Boy and Firecracker are on her TruthBomb talkshow set preparing for their interview together]'' :'''Firecracker''': It's an honor to have a great American like yourself on the show. I guess it runs in the family, huh? Homelander's father… Dang. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks at the gun at Firecracker's hip]'' Glock, huh? Never saw the appeal in foreign-made guns. :'''Firecracker''': Well, this ain't your granddaddy's Glock. This here's a 9mm Gen 5, seven-round capacity with a crisp fuckin' break. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, mine's a much longer barrel. ''[takes out his pistol]'' Battle-proven, all-American Colt 1911 chambered in .45 ACP. ''[cocks pistol]'' That'll blow your fuckin' panties off. Now, that little Glock–That's good for a late-night Harlem stroll, but uh, this here? That's a certified Kraut killer. :'''Firecracker''': I think you mean an antique. :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean a classic. You wanna give it a try? ''[Firecracker examines the pistol]'' Now, some can't handle the kick, but something tells me you'll do just fine. :''[Cut to Soldier Boy and Firecracker in bed together after having sex]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Whew. Well, I gotta hand it to you. I haven't fuckеd that hard since... since I railed Shari Lewis on the balcony of [[w:Studio 54|Studio 54]]. :'''Firecracker''': I ain't got no idea who that is. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well... Hey, why the hairless pussy? :'''Firecracker''': ''[gives Soldier Boy a disgusted look]'' What? :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean, what's the point of going down there if you're not gonna get a fat face full of fur? Is that how Homelander likes you? Like a baby? :'''Firecracker''': ''[sighs]'' More like a mother. :'''Soldier Boy''': But you two have fuckеd, right? :'''Firecracker''': ''[shakes her head]'' Mm-mm. :'''Soldier Boy''': Damn. I gotta admit, I was kinda just doing this as petty revenge against the freak. :'''Firecracker''': That's terrible. Who would do such a thing? And you shouldn't say that about your son. :'''Soldier Boy''': Ah, he thinks he's better than me. :'''Firecracker''': He doesn't. :'''Soldier Boy''': How do you know? :'''Firecracker''': I don't know much, but I can read people. And the way he looks at you? Shoot. I ain't never seen him look at nobody like that. :'''Soldier Boy''': Uh, that's not exactly a compliment, doll. He is the strangest mοthеrfuckеr I've ever known, and I've had a threesome with Gary Busey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryan and Homelander meet up at the now-abandoned VoughtLand building]'' :'''Ryan''': Do you remember when you took me here? Pretended to care about me? :'''Homelander''': I ''do'' care about you, son. I love you. :'''Ryan''': ''[pause]'' I need to ask you– :'''Homelander''': For my forgiveness? You already have it. :'''Ryan''': What? :'''Homelander''': Okay, let me finish. I put too much pressure on you to fill my boots. And–And I realize now that, uh... Well, that–that was impossible. But I do have some pretty exciting news. I am going to live forever now. I'll realize my own legacy. And you... ''[scoffs]'' you're off the hook. You can do whatever– :'''Ryan''': Did you do it? Did you rapе my mom? :'''Homelander''': What?! Of course not. Who told you–Did William Butcher tell you that? Your mother and I, we had an affair. A consensual affair between two adults. :'''Ryan''': Your heart's racing. :'''Homelander''': Well, yeah, because I'm shocked. And–And frankly, my heart's breaking a little bit that you could think I would do something like that. :''[Ryan lasers Homelander, leaving a visible wound near his chest]'' :'''Homelander''': Ryan... Ryan, stop! :''[Ryan lunges at Homelander and shoves him against the wall. Homelander ducks below Ryan's fist to avoid getting punched by him.]'' :'''Homelander''': Ryan! I don't know where this is coming from, because your mother… ''She'' came on to ''me.'' :''[Ryan punches Homelander twice and tries to laser him again. Homelander quickly dodges him again.]'' :'''Homelander''': ''Ryan!'' Son... ''[moves away to avoid another punch]'' Ryan! Ryan, buddy... Look what came out of it: My son! A blessing! ''[Ryan attacks him again]'' Hey, hey! Stop! :''[Ryan readies another laser, which gets redirected when Homelander grabs his face. He punches Homelander in the face again, but Homelander gets the upper hand and slams Ryan several times into a box. Homelander wipes blood away from his nose as Ryan whimpers in pain.]'' :'''Homelander''': Oh, Ryan... Dammit. Look at what you made me do. ''[pause; kneels down to restrain Ryan]'' Shh... Shh, shh, shh. Hey... It's okay. My sweet, sweet boy. :''[Homelander proceeds to punch Ryan repeatedly in the face until he is beaten nearly to death]'' ==''"King of Hell"'' [5.04]== :'''Homelander''': I need you for something. :'''Firecracker''': You do? :'''Homelander''': I have received the most wonderful message. I was visited... by an angel. And she foretold my destiny. :'''Firecracker''': Wow. Well, praise be. And what is it? :'''Homelander''': God. :'''Firecracker''': Sir, that is wonderful. There is no higher calling than servin' the Lord. :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. Not serving the Lord. Being the Lord. I am the Messiah. I'm the savior of the world. :'''Firecracker''': The... Messiah? :'''Homelander''': Yes. :''[Firecracker smiles despite her being clearly disturbed by Homelander's delusions]'' :'''Firecracker''': Um... Congrats. :'''Homelander''': Thank you. ''[pause; Firecracker giggles nervously]'' I always knew I was special. I knew it. I suffered. I suffered so many hardships, and I... I couldn't understand why, but you... You... You always saw it, didn't you? You knew all along I was special. That is why I have chosen you to spread the word of my coming. :'''Firecracker''': How? :'''Homelander''': Well, we control the most powerful media apparatus on Earth. Jesus would kill for our marketing. What do you say? :'''Firecracker''': ...Well, you know I would do anything for you, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Boys are hiking through the woods near Fort Harmony]'' :'''Kimiko''': It's weird. No birds or animals. It's like… :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' hell. ''[to Mother's Milk]'' Had to park on the other side of the state, didn't ya? :'''Mother's Milk''': Well, if the hike's too hard, why don't you try tying your boots, mοthеrfuckеr. :''[Hughie is shocked to see a heavily decomposed corpse]'' :'''Hughie''': Oh, fuck that. :'''Butcher''': Eh. Not really my type, son. :'''Hughie''': Hey, how about showing a little respect? :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, Hughie's right, Butcher. You should take her out to dinner first. ''[chuckles; sighs]'' Let's see here. Based on the decomp, these bodies have been here for a while. :'''Frenchie''': Something ripped them apart. Whatever killed those Boy Scouts might still stalk these woods. :'''Butcher''': Let's get a move on, then. Didn't come out here to get bummed by Bigfoot. :''[...]'' :'''Butcher''': Any sign of Super Cuqnt? :'''Mother's Milk''': Could already be inside. :'''Butcher''': Well, let's find out. :'''Kimiko''': ''[to Hughie]'' What's wrong? :'''Hughie''': Annie. :'''Kimiko''': She'll come back. :'''Hughie''': No. I almost died, but she made it all about her and she took off. I mean, last year, I got bad-touched by a shape-shifter, and she still found a way to make it about her. She can be such a fucking bitch. ''[pause; sees Kimiko looking at him in shock]'' Uh... Jesus. Sorry, I–I didn't mean for that to come out so harsh. :''[The Boys see an entire field littered with animal carcasses]'' :'''Butcher''': ''Fuckin' hell.'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The fuck happened here? :'''Frenchie''': Our V'd-up beast enjoyed an amuse-bouche, perhaps? :'''Butcher''': Well, explains why we didn't hear no animals. :'''Kimiko''': I said that ten minutes ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Boys discover more decomposed corpses as they make their way downstairs to the lab inside Fort Harmony]'' :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' hell. They've been here a minute, haven't they? :'''Frenchie''': Decades. Hunters... ''[pause; notices the knives embedded in the corpses]'' Look at their knives. These men, they killed each other. What if there is a monster here, but it's us? :'''Butcher''': What the fuck are you on about, Frenchie? :'''Frenchie''': [[w:Toxoplasma gondii|Toxoplasmosis]]. It's a parasite in cat shit. It can infect humans. Makes them react with explosive anger. :'''Hughie''': You think we ate cat shit? :'''Frenchie''': Ate? No... If the V1 spilled into the groundwater, it could mutate the plants. Their spores fill us with rage, we murder each other, and ''voilà''. We're plant food for these vines. :'''Hughie''': Okay, so like [[w:The Last of Us (video game)|''The Last of Us'']]? :'''Frenchie''': No, that is just [[w:The Walking Dead (comic book)|''The Walking Dead'']] with mushrooms. The dead campers, the animals, these hunters... Surely, you all see how strangely you've been acting. :'''Kimiko''': Us? I've seen you blow cоcaіnе up your dіckhole. :'''Frenchie''': Wait... You have a point. The copious amount of drug I've taken for decades has surely altered my brain chemistry. That's why I'm not affected. :'''Kimiko''': Guess being a junkie was good for something after all. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' Romeo and fuckin' Juliet. You two survive this war, I give you six months tops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander and Soldier Boy search the ground floor of Fort Harmony while the Boys are in the basement below looking for the V1]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sniffs]'' Smells like deer piss. The last time I was here, I was fresh off the front lines, still picking Nazi brains out of my hair. And only the best of the best got selected for Dr. Vought's trials. :'''Homelander''': Hmmph. :'''Soldier Boy''': Not soft little hog-chompers. :'''Homelander''': Of course. No, I forgot how tough you were. :'''Soldier Boy''': Hey, I'm not the weirdo who doesn't fuck. I mean, your cock's as useless as your cape. What's the point of being famous if you're not getting your dіck wet? :'''Homelander''': Oh, my dіck was sopping wet when I pulled it out of Stormfront and wiped it on her fucking chin! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; looks down at the decomposed corpses]'' Ooh, look. More uggos.  :'''Homelander''': Friends of yours? :''[They unknowingly set off the motion detector that the Boys set up near the stairs]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Oh, shit. They're right above us. :'''Butcher''': We best get the fuck outta here. Come on. :'''Hughie''': Hey. Hey, what about the V1? :'''Mother's Milk''': If Bombsight has the V1, then it saves us from having to torch it. :'''Hughie''': What are you talking about? Who's "us"? :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' What? You think the world needs more immortal cunts, do ya? :'''Hughie''': We need it to save Annie and Kimiko! You've been planning this this whole time, haven't you?! :'''Frenchie''': Shh. Homelander will hear us. :'''Hughie''': ''[to Mother's Milk]'' And you, you've just been going along with it again. :'''Mother's Milk''': We can't take the risk, Hughie. And if she has to be collateral damage so that Homelander dies and my daughter lives, we ain't got no fucking choice! :'''Kimiko''': Oh, easy for you to say. It won't fucking kill you! :'''Butcher''': Well, at least he knows when to keep his gob shut and do as he's fuckin' told! :'''Frenchie''': Shh! :'''Mother's Milk''': Excuse me? :'''Frenchie''': No, no, no. We don't have time for this. We need to find a way out now. :'''Mother's Milk''': Wanna know a little secret, Butcher? I ''cheered'' when I found out that you were dying, 'cause at least we'd finally be done with your miserable ass. :'''Hughie''': You know, I used to say to these guys, "Don't give up on Butcher. There's good in him fighting to get out." I was wrong. If there was ''anything'' human in there, it's dead. Underneath that chestful of octo-cocks, you are just a fucking monster. :'''Butcher''': Well, maybe I like it better that way. :'''Hughie''': That parasite's not just in you. It ''is'' you. ''You're'' the cancer! :'''Frenchie''': ''Lower your voices.'' :'''Hughie''': You are just as bad as Homelander, maybe worse. And I'm not gonna let you drag us all down with you. :'''Butcher''': And whatcha gonna do about it? :'''Hughie''': I'll fucking kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': ''[chuckles]'' Tough guy, my ass. :'''Soldier Boy''': What? :'''Homelander''': You, your whole bit. This whole "guts and glory" thing. What a fucking joke. I read your classified file. Your brother won a Silver Star for bravery at [[w:Battle of Anzio|Anzio]], and that's what made you beg your father to buy you a spot in Dr. Vought's trials. Because it killed you to see your brother dripping in all that glory, making you look all the more feeble in comparison. :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't know shit about me. :'''Homelander''': Really? I know that when they tried to inject you with the V, you were so fucking petrified that they had to strap you to the table. And you pissed yourself, crying for your mommy like the whiny, spoiled little rich boy that you are. They gave you the world, and you? You deserve ''nothing.'' :''[Soldier Boy stands by as Homelander walks into a small chamber]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, Christ. What's this shithole now? :''[Soldier Boy shuts the door while Homelander isn't looking and turns the wheel to lock him inside the chamber]'' :'''Homelander''': What are you doing?! :''[Soldier Boy bends the wheel with his bare hands and tears it off the door]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, well done. I'll be out of here in 30 seconds! :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. Maybe not. :''[Soldier Boy pulls down a lever to open a radioactive valve. Homelander's face immediately starts blistering from the radiation.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': It's enriched uranium. They'd stick us Supes in there to see if we could survive an atomic bomb. Now, for a normal joe, they'd be dead in minutes. But for you, it's a stomach flu. Good luck, though, getting out of a Supe-proof cell while you're bleeding out of your ass. :''[Homelander fails to kill Soldier Boy by lasering him. He punches the glass as Soldier Boy walks off.]'' :'''Homelander''': Where are you going? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'm gonna go destroy any V1 that I find, you Triple Crown cock jockey. :'''Homelander''': Why? :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't get it, do you? How much I can't fucking stand you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher sees Homelander trapped inside the uranium chamber]'' :'''Butcher''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, if only the world could see you now. Not so fuckin' super, are ya? You, uh... ''[points at Homelander's face]'' You got a bit of... ''[pause; Homelander coughs]'' Did your dad put you in timeout? Ooh… That's gotta sting, knowin' he'd rather spend eternity all alone than with the likes of you. What's the matter? Cunt got your tongue? Will wonders ever cease? ''[chuckles; lights cigarette]'' Tell me something. If you do get the juice in you, you think that makes you a god, don't ya? Seems like I know you pretty well after all. Which is why I know that even if you had a billion twats garglin' your bollocks and singin' "Hosanna", you still wouldn't be happy. 'Cause deep down, you're just a weak, thin-skinned, needy little boy. You beat the shit outta your own son. Don't get weaker than that. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs weakly while groaning in pain]'' Ryan is alive… because he's strong. 'Cause he's my son. The son of God. :'''Butcher''': You ain't no god. How's about I go fetch the virus, and then we'll watch you shit your fuckin' spine out? :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' You don't have it, do you? The virus. :'''Butcher''': …Don't I? :'''Homelander''': No, you don't. You would have used it by now. ''[coughs; laughs hysterically]'' You have no way to stop me, do you? Oh, William. You have no idea what you're up against. You can't intervene. I ''will'' get the V1, and when I do, I'm gonna flay you alive. You, Starlight, all the nonbelievers. You're all gonna ''fuckin' drown'' in your own blood. :'''Butcher''': I promise you, before I die... I'll fuckin' have you. ''[walks away]'' :'''Homelander''': YOU'RE ALL FUCKING PASTE! I can take what's mine, and that makes this WHOLE FUCKING SHITBALL ''MY BIRTHRIGHT! '''MY DESTINY!''''' ==''"One-Shots"'' [5.05]== :'''Firecracker''': Next up is a $500 million ad blitz with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital. Ain’t nobody won’t know about the Democratic Church of America… and its chosen prophet. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Prophets are servants. :'''Firecracker''': Of course, sir. Great point. We’re just trying to ease people into it. :'''Homelander''': No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension. We must be honest. We must be direct. I like “savior.” Or–Or… :'''Oh Father''': Lord. Yes, I couldn’t agree more, sir. Religion is not about being meek. We should dominate the seven mountains of society, bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth! Amen! :'''Homelander''': Amen. :'''Firecracker''': Amen! I love all that! :'''The Deep''': So fucking dope. :'''Oh Father''': Easter is just around the corner. How perfect would it be for your second coming to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection? :'''Homelander''': Mmm… Second coming? Let's be clear: I am not the son of God. :'''Oh Father''': Well, of course. Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son. :'''Homelander''': Well, that's just confusing. I don't want my church getting involved in all... that. :'''Firecracker''': Exactly. Besides, if we pull up our timeline, you won't have… ''[picks up a bag with a large book inside]'' this. :''[Firecracker kneels in front of Homelander, who accepts the book. He takes it out of the bag and sees "The Homelander Bible" with himself embossed on the cover.]'' :'''Oh Father''': We're gonna drag our feet because of a book? :'''Firecracker''': Not a book. ''The'' book. The Homelander Bible. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause; lifts the book with his hands]'' Heavy. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[quietly]'' What the fuck? :'''Firecracker''': It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the brand new American Testament, written by A.I. trained on the works of [[w:Pat Robertson|Pat Robertson]]. See, we need to pass the torch, sir. From Jesus to you. Sir, we don't get more than one chance at a first impression. Are we really gonna rush something this important? We ain't [w:Arby's|Arby's]], after all. :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Firecracker''': We're the [[w:The Cheesecake Factory|Cheesecake Factory]]. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs deeply]'' Okay. We'll do it your way. :'''Firecracker''': Thank you. :'''Sister Sage''': You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely to generate widespread civil unrest? :'''Firecracker''': Local law should be able to handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands in major metros. :'''Homelander''': Oh, let's recall all Supes stationed overseas. American heroes should be protecting America, not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Firecracker''': We ain't doin' that again. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[chuckles]'' That's what you said the last six times. :'''Firecracker''': No, I really mean it this time. :'''Soldier Boy''': You seem a little out of it. Did you nut? 'Cause usually, you nut. :'''Firecracker''': ''[sighs]'' Were you baptized? :'''Soldier Boy''': Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill. [[William Cameron Sproul|Governor Sproul]] did the honors. My family kept up appearances, of course. Then, we never set foot in church again. :'''Firecracker''': I had lunch today with the reverend who baptized me. He's been gettin' heat to switch over to our church. You think Homelander might be open to going easy on him? Just... give him a little more time? I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but that man practically raised me. :'''Soldier Boy''': So you didn't nut. You know, this whole Homelander as God shit, it's... it's fucking ridiculous. :'''Firecracker''': Really? You think so? :'''Soldier Boy''': If he's the second coming, then what does that make me? Joseph? I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history. Man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin, and then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet. Fuck that. :'''Firecracker''': I guess I've been struggling with where to place Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay. :'''Firecracker''': Of course I worship Homelander. I mean, he's always been a god to me. :'''Soldier Boy''': Look, I'll tell you this. If there is a God... sure as hell didn't come out of my balls. I gotta go. :'''Firecracker''': Where you off to? :'''Soldier Boy''': L.A… ''[snickers]'' I fucking hate L.A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Firecracker is filming her new episode of TruthBomb and starts reading her opening monologue from a teleprompter]'' :'''Firecracker''': Welcome to ''Truthbomb''. Our top story tonight's a personal one. It's the story of my hometown church, Holy Baptist of Daytona. It was the church I grew up in. Sang my hymns from the pews there every Sunday. But that church... That church… :''[The teleprompter stops scrolling]'' :'''Firecracker''': ''[beat]'' That church... has become a hotbed of Starlighter infestation. And my old pastor, Reverend Greg Dupree, has been infected by Starlight's seditious propaganda. Now... I never told a soul this, but when I was a little girl, the reverend regularly had me over for supper. Alone. ''[pause; chuckles]'' No. Nothing ever happened to me, but... ''[sighs]'' I heard stories about his "Fish Fry Fridays." And if that ain't code for child groomin', I don't know what is. How much longer are we gonna let these institutional pedo churches diddle our babies? Americans deserve better. They deserve... Homelander. They deserve the Democratic Church of America. ''[starts crying]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Would you like some knee pads? :'''The Deep''': Sorry, what? :'''Soldier Boy''': You're looking at me like you wanna suck my hog. So I'm asking you if you would like some knee pads. :'''Homelander''': Go easy on the little guy. He brought me Stan Edgar. :'''The Deep''': Thank you, sir. :'''Homelander''': You may leave. :''[Soldier Boy stays behind with Homelander in the conference room as the rest of The Seven leave]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What crawled up your shithole? :'''Homelander''': No idea what you mean. :'''Soldier Boy''': When you're pissy, you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy too. Stan Edgar still stonewalling you? :'''Homelander''': I've talked to him three times now. Says he has no idea where the V1 is. Heart rate steady as a rock. I'm starting to believe him. :'''Soldier Boy''': That slippery fuck used to fetch my cоcaіnе. ''[pause]'' You know what? I have an idea. Why don't I take a crack at him? ''[Homelander stares at him]'' What, you don't trust me? :'''Homelander''': Well, you did lock me in a room with nuclear material and tried to stop me getting the V1, so I'm sure you can understand my hesitance. :'''Soldier Boy''': You could've killed me at Fort Harmony, but you didn't. Maybe I feel like I owe you. :'''Homelander''': Or maybe you're lying. :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. ''[inhales deeply]'' Give me an hour. I'll meet you at Edgar's cell. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hughie''': If you and M.M. still think– :'''Butcher''': Oh, for fuck's sakes, Hughie. Knock it off with this V1 shite! You're doin' me fuckin' head in! ''[sees his dog Terror eating out of the trash]'' Oi, Terror. Cut it out. Come on. ''[to Hughie]'' Now, listen. If we do find that stuff, we're not makin' any fuckin' vaccines out of it, alright? We're not the department of fuckin' health. We burn that shit before Homelander gets his paws on it, and that's that. :'''Hughie''': Well, if you wanna kill yourself, knock yourself out, but why do you have to decide for the rest of us? :'''Butcher''': Oh, 'cause I'm fuckin' right! 'Cause I've always been right! I've been tellin' you lot from the fuckin' start the sky is fallin', and guess what? The sky fuckin' fell. :'''Hughie''': Well, you kinda helped bring it down. :'''Butcher''': Oh, don't give me that bollocks. Listen, Homelander thinks he's a fuckin' god. Once he becomes immortal, he's gonna start killin' like one, and we are talkin' millions of people. Now, are you tellin' me you're honestly happy to risk all of that for a life on the run with your girl, knowin' that you could've stopped it? You can live with that, can ya? :'''Hughie''': What if it was Becca? You'd just let her die? :'''Butcher''': …I ''did'' let her die. :'''Hughie''': Look… I know that Homelander comes first. I really do. All I'm asking is that we try. Annie and Kimiko deserve that much. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mister Marathon and Malchemical try to convince Soldier Boy to kill Homelander while he is unconscious]'' :'''Mister Marathon''': Hey, man, we don't have a problem with you. Honest, ''[stutters]'' but–but fuck this fucking guy. You know, he fuckеd my life. Look, if you help us get rid of him, then we all win, and you–you can have The Seven. And I don't even, like, really care if you bring me back or whatever. :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't need to kill him to get The Seven. :'''Mister Marathon''': No. Yeah, of course not, but what about all that creepy shit he's doing with that church? I mean, they're rounding up everybody cool. All the hοοkers, the drug dealers. :'''Malchemical''': They wanna ban pοrn. I mean, they wanna ban fucking abortions! :'''Mister Marathon''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay, well, banning abortion would be a big problem for me personally. :'''Mister Marathon''': Exactly, for all of us. So, if we kill him, we can stop worrying about being cops or gods or asexual weirdos. You know, we can go back to fucking and–and being fucking awesome! :'''Malchemical''': Look, we know you've got that fucked-up chest blast thing. I mean, I was at Herogasm. I saw it. :'''Mister Marathon''': Just finish him now. Take away his powers, so we can curb stomp him while we have the chance.  :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat]'' He is a fucking asexual weirdo. :'''Mister Marathon''': Yeah. :'''Malchemical''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': But as much as it pains me to say this, he's ''my'' fucking asexual weirdo. Nobody fucks my son but me. :'''Mister Marathon''': What? :'''Soldier Boy''': …That came out wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Firecracker sees Homelander sitting on the couch in the Seven common room]'' :'''Firecracker''': Homelander… How was L.A.? Did you catch tonight's ''Truthbomb?'' :'''Homelander''': I did indeed. And it was a real barn-burner. Well done. :'''Firecracker''': ''[smiles]'' Thank you, sir. That means the world. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' How's sеx with my father? ''[Firecracker's smile disappears]'' Is he good at it? Are you thinking about me when you're making love to him? :'''Firecracker''': I never meant to cross a line or offend you in... :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Don't fret, little one. I don't care about the sеx, really. But I ''do'' care about your little chats after sеx. :'''Firecracker''': Sir, whatever Soldier Boy told you, I can assure you that I... :'''Homelander''': You mean your inner turmoil when it comes to me and, uh, Jesus? Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me? :'''Firecracker''': No, you are my one and only savior. :'''Homelander''': You say that, but your jagged little heart is whirring like a hummingbird. ''[sighs; gets up from the couch]'' You're supposed to worship me, love me and me alone. :'''Firecracker''': I do. :'''Homelander''': I believed in you. Turns out, you don't believe in me. ''[pause]'' I need you to collect your things and leave. :'''Firecracker''': But I ''do'' believe in you. I love you! I am the only one here who ever has! I gave you ''everything!'' I gave you my soul! Everybody else here, they're just... They're just scared of you. Or they want something from you, but I have always loved you for you. Just the strongest, smartest, best man on Earth. :'''Homelander''': ''[scoffs]'' Man? :'''Firecracker''': No, no, no, no, no. ''[gets in front of Homelander]'' A god. No. No, ''the'' God. My Lord, that look you used to get when you'd suckle me? I felt like Mother Mary herself. I felt blessed to nourish someone as important as you. ''[pause; Homelander sighs]'' But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it? You cast me out into the cold, which was so much worse than never feeling your warmth in the first place. So all I have been tryin' to do is to get you to see me the way that you used to. Hell, only reason I was with Soldier Boy was that your reflected light is better than no light at all. Please, sir. I love you. We all need love, don't we? Even God. :''[Homelander reaches his hand out to touch Firecracker's cheek, then kills her by impaling her head on the left wing of an eagle statue]'' ==''"Though the Heavens Fall"'' [5.06]== :''[Hughie and Annie are laying down on the hood of his car looking at clouds together]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, so that one? :'''Annie''': Mm-hmm. :'''Hughie''': It’s like a rabbit, but it’s got way too many feet. :'''Annie''': Really? I see a frog eating a dick. This is definitely in my top five. :'''Hughie''': Top five what? :'''Annie''': Things to do with you. :'''Hughie''': You’re saying that like… this is the last time we’re gonna get to do this. Hey, listen to me. The guys are gonna find Bombsight, they’ll get the V1. You’re not dying. We will have plenty of time to look for filthy shapes in the clouds. :'''Annie''': God, I don’t know where it comes from. This… unshakeable hope. :'''Hughie''': Whenever I’d get upset as a kid, which was a lot… my dad would always say, “You know, son, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react.” And that was infuriating. But then, I spent a year in an internment camp, and I had no control over anything. I’d just lay there at night, just… so fucking angry, hearing my dad’s voice in my head… but then I finally understood what he meant. ‘Cause the only thing I had left was… hope. And it is ''really'' fucking hard to hang on to, but I… I’m trying. :'''Annie''': I think… you might be low-key the strongest person I know. :'''Hughie''': I’d prefer high-key… ''[Annie chuckles]'' but thank you. :'''Annie''': ''[beat; points at the sky]'' Look, it’s–it’s Big Bird eating a dick. :'''Hughie''': You see an unsettling amount of dicks up there, I’m just saying. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander and Soldier Boy look around Bombsight's empty house to find the V1]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': You sure this is the right address? :'''Homelander''': I'm sure. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, there's no sign of Bombsight... or fucking anyone. Maybe Crime Analytics got a bad tip. :''[Homelander sees a laptop on the table. When he opens it up, a video of him and Stormfront having sex starts playing. He notices Soldier Boy watching along with him and closes the laptop.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck was that? :'''Homelander''': I can explain. :'''Soldier Boy''': That was Clara. You told me she killed herself. :'''Homelander''': She did, after Ryan did ''that'' to her. It's his fault. :'''Soldier Boy''': So then what? You locked her in your apartment like some kind of amputee fuck doll... :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Soldier Boy''': ...and filmed her for kicks? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no! It wasn't like that! I did... I did everything I could to keep her alive, to–to make her happy. ''[Soldier Boy punches him]'' Just listen to me, okay?! It wasn't all like... that. I couldn't let her go. I didn't know how... because I loved her. And so did you. :'''Soldier Boy''': You're goddamn right I loved her. :'''Homelander''': She wouldn't want us fighting over her. :'''Soldier Boy''': Don't fucking tell me what she would want! You knew her for five minutes; I was with her for decades! :'''Homelander''': Hold–Hold on. This–This is a setup. Someone's trying to separate us. This has been plan... Fucking Sage. It's Sage. You see? She's trying to screw with us. ''[Soldier Boy turns around to leave]'' Oh, come on! I can't find the V1 without you! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; turns back around]'' Good. You don't deserve to live forever. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher tries to call Bombsight using one of his old phone numbers, but gets a fax machine instead]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': That a fuckin’ fax machine? :'''Butcher''': Yeah, it’s the last of the numbers she had for him. ''[to Golden Geisha]'' Oi. Twenty-three fuckin' numbers you had for Bombsight, and they’re all fuckin' shite? :'''Golden Geisha''': Do you know how to delete them? I was telling you the truth. I have no idea where Bombsight is, or how to reach him. So just let me go. :'''Butcher''': Kimiko, keep an eye on her. :''[Frenchie joins Butcher and M.M. on their way back to their hideout]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The fuck do we do now? :'''Butcher''': Fetch us some pliers and put the screws to her. She knows more than she’s lettin’ on. :''[They open the door to their hideout and walk inside]'' :'''Frenchie''': Or she doesn’t. I’m sorry, but she’s not that good of an actress. :'''Sister Sage''': He’s right. ''[sarcastically when M.M. and Frenchie aim their guns at her]'' Ooh, I know. The villain switching sides in the final hour. What a twist, a shock that never happens. But unclench those assholes, fellas. I’m here to help. I’m a free agent now. I came alone. You can shoot me in the heart whenever you like. :'''Butcher''': That’s a good idea. ''[takes out and cocks his gun]'' :'''Sister Sage''': That would go against our mutual interest. :'''Butcher''': Which is? :'''Sister Sage''': Stopping a petulant, laser-eyed narcissist from also becoming immortal. I want him dead as much as you do. :'''Mother's Milk''': You spent the last couple of years building Homelander up, and now you wanna tear him down? Why the fuck should we trust you? :'''Sister Sage''': You can’t trust me. Honestly, you shouldn’t, but you will. :'''Frenchie''': And why would we do that? :'''Sister Sage''': I know Campbell and Starlight are headed to plant your little virus. You can trace anyone, if you know what to look for. And you baboons, you leave a trail of banana peels wherever you go. I could have stopped you, I could have killed you... but I didn’t. :'''Butcher''': That virus is gonna wipe out the fuckin’ lot of ya. And you don’t strike me as the suicide type. :'''Sister Sage''': I will be in my nice, quiet bunker, reading [[w:Ludwig Wittgenstein|Wittgenstein]] in peace. That is, unless that bleached blonde baby gets his hands on V1 and survives. You must have realized by now Granny out there has no clue how to contact Bombsight, but I do. And I can get him here. So... let me help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I wanted to say... I'm very sorry about this. I watched every episode of ''Undercover Geisha'' when I was a kid. I loved it, even the parts that were ridiculous racist stereotypes. It meant so much to see someone who looked like me on TV. ''[brief pause]'' We watched with Japanese subtitles. It's how I learned English. :'''Golden Geisha''': If you're such a big fan, let me go. :'''Frenchie''': ''Désolé'', but we cannot. Not until we get the V1 that Bombsight possesses. :'''Golden Geisha''': Wait, that's what you're after? V1? ''[laughs]'' :'''Kimiko''': What–What's so funny? :'''Golden Geisha''': I'll tell Bombsight to just give it to you. I sure as hell don't want it. :'''Kimiko''': ...He stole the V1 for you, so you two could be together forever. ''[pause]'' But you didn't take it. :'''Golden Geisha''': ''[shakes her head]'' I said no... which is why he left. I guess, for him, watching me get old was too painful. :'''Frenchie''': I'm sorry, I do not understand. Why won't you take it? :'''Golden Geisha''': To live forever? It'd be torture. ''[scoffs]'' You're both so young. You wouldn't understand. :'''Kimiko''': Maybe I would. :'''Golden Geisha''': Summer is only beautiful when you know winter is coming. :'''Frenchie''': ''[beat; to Kimiko]'' Is this how you feel? :'''Kimiko''': ''[nods]'' Annie and I talked about it. We'd have to... ''[signing]'' We'd have to watch you and Hughie waste away. Neither of us wants to die, but... we don't wanna be vampires either. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Legend leads Homelander inside the Boys' hideout, which is deserted]'' :'''The Legend''': Okay, um... :'''Homelander''': No one here. :'''The Legend''': I grant you, it–it looks like that, yeah. But this–this is their hideout, so I'm sure there's plenty of clues all over here. ''[picks up a receipt]'' Here you go. ''[Homelander sighs]'' Oh, no. Well, this is nothing. But, you know, they have to have left something behind, you know? :'''Homelander''': ''[looks at the receipt; chuckles]'' Hmmph. It's not nothing. :'''The Legend''': It's a Taco Bell receipt. :'''Homelander''': No, ''this is Sage!'' Taunting me! :'''The Legend''': Okay. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs frustratingly; sits on bed]'' This makes no sense. This makes no sense. This makes no sense! ''[chuckles]'' You said I would get the V1. You said I'd be a god. Did I do something wrong? Did I fail you? I did everything you asked me to. I gave my boy up. Please, don't leave me here to just rot. Don't just let me become ''nothing'' like ''him.'' Please… :'''The Legend''': ''[beat]'' I gotta assume… The only reason you're saying all this stuff is, you're... You're not gonna let me walk out of here alive, are you? Yeah? Okay. Yeah. ''[pause]'' Alright, look, kid. I've been around a long time and I… This is just how it goes. You know all those old Supes at the home? Every one of them had their moments in the sun and they all thought it was gonna go on forever. And every one of them got shoved out in the end. They all got shoved out. All of them. And I know what I'm talking about; I did the shoving. I mean, look at Goldie. One minute, she's on the set of ''Undercover Geisha'', getting finger-popped by Lorenzo Lamas. The next, she's shilling for VoughtAlert necklaces and Activia poop yogurt. :'''Homelander''': Geisha sells VoughtAlert necklaces? :'''The Legend''': Guess you don't watch your own news channel. The point is, look, there comes a day… I got shoved out, too. Never saw it coming. Did not see that coming, and I fought it like hell. But in the end... bupkis. There is a natural order to things. And the more you fight the inevitable, the more the inevitable just… cunt-punts you. ''[pats Homelander's shoulder]'' Yep. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; gets up]'' You're not scared of me. :'''The Legend''': No, I'm not scared of you. I… I feel for you, kid. I do. I mean, you're a fucking whackjob. But, you know, there's talent. So… No surprise there. ''[pause]'' So, there you go. Do what you gotta do. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' ...You can go. :'''The Legend''': I–I can go? :'''Homelander''': Leave. No words. Just go. Now. Go. ''Now.'' :'''The Legend''': Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. :''[After The Legend leaves, Homelander makes a call on his cell phone]'' :'''Operator''': How can I help you, sir? :'''Homelander''': I need the tracking coordinates for a VoughtAlert necklace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Tough skin or not, I can still break your fuckin' neck! :'''Bombsight''': Ben, stop. Please. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; lets Bombsight go]'' Goddammit. :'''Bombsight''': ''[beat]'' I can't give it to you. :'''Soldier Boy''': Goldie doesn't even wanna take it. :'''Bombsight''': Then maybe someday, I'll find someone who will! :'''Soldier Boy''': You were always gonna fuck it up with Goldie anyway. You could never hold down a girl! It was either a smack needle up your dick or— :'''Bombsight''': Having to stand next to you? You were everyone's favorite from the start, especially Clara. Everything they wanted us to be–everything they were working towards–they saw it in you. I fucking hated you for it. :'''Soldier Boy''': No. No, I wasn't everything Clara wanted. I didn't know how to be. :'''Bombsight''': But you loved her. What wouldn't you give to have her back... forever? :'''Soldier Boy''': …I really fuckin' hate you. :'''Bombsight''': No shit. :'''Soldier Boy''': But we don't have to kill each other. I can take away your immortality... and your powers. You won't have to live forever alone. Then, you and Goldie can spend whatever time you have left like you want. :'''Bombsight''': Why would you do that for me? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'd do it for the V1. :''[Bombsight hands a case to Soldier Boy, who opens it to find a V1 syringe inside. The Boys hear an explosion from far away and run towards it. Cut to Bombsight looking at the wound near his shoulder.]'' :'''Bombsight''': This is the first time I've seen my blood in... I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander finds Soldier Boy with the V1 syringe he received from Bombsight. The Boys and Sister Sage watch them from the nearby woods.]'' :'''Homelander''': Don't. I don't wanna fight you. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks down at the syringe]'' You know, Clara used to say the craziest shit. That I was the strongest Supe alive, the ultimate expression of what we could be... but she was wrong. ''[pause]'' She hadn't met you yet. :''[Soldier Boy offers the syringe to Homelander, who accepts it]'' :'''Butcher''': No. :'''Sister Sage''': I don't understand. He wasn't supposed to... It's impossible. :'''Homelander''': But you hate me. :'''Soldier Boy''': I love her more... and this is what she would want. :''[Homelander lasers his left arm and injects the V1 into his wound. His eyes immediately start flickering and he kneels to the ground in pain. The Boys watch in horror as Homelander screams and shoots powerful lasers into the sky.]'' :'''Butcher''': '''''Run.''''' ==''"The Frenchman, the Female, and the Man Called Mother's Milk"'' [5.07]== :''[A V1-empowered Homelander sits in President Calhoun's chair in the Oval Office. He hears a knock at the door]'' :'''Homelander''': Come in! ''[in a cheerful tone as Ashley and Calhoun enter]'' Hello, you two. Isn't it a beautiful day? :'''Calhoun''': ''[nervously]'' You're welcome to use this office as long as you need. :'''Homelander''': I know. Let's get right to it! While Oh Father is hard at work on my divine unveiling, I have a few action items I need you to handle. :'''Ashley''': Of course. Anything, sir. :'''Homelander''': The Democratic Church of America is to be the ''official'' national religion, based around the one true god: Me. :'''Calhoun''': Great idea. :'''Homelander''': I want every boundary between church and state dissolved. I want troops sent into every sanctuary city that took in Starlighters. Issue an executive order banning abortion. Also, breastfeeding is now mandatory. Babies need their mothers, not fake milk. Actually, outlaw that, too. :'''Ashley''': Sir? :'''Homelander''': ''[intensely] Ban nut milk.'' The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making you think nuts were milk. ''[snickers after a short silence]'' :'''Calhoun''': Those are all, uh, fantastic ideas, sir. Um... I'll run them by Congress– :'''Homelander''': No, disband it. :'''Calhoun''': Sorry? :'''Homelander''': Disband Congress. It's better for freedom. :'''Calhoun''': Well, sir, I don't really have that authority. :'''Homelander''': ''[frowns]'' Ashley, do me a favor. Read Steven's mind. I wanna know if he's a true believer. :'''Calhoun''': But of... course I am, sir. :'''Homelander''': Terrific! Then you have nothing to worry about. ''[gets up and steps over to Ashley]'' Do it. :''[He rips off her wig, and she gasps and covers her face in shame as "Back Ashley" is revealed]'' :'''Calhoun''': ''[revolted]'' What the fuck is that? :'''"Back Ashley"''': Don't look! :'''Homelander''': Don't make me ask again. :'''"Back Ashley"''': ''[stammering in fear]'' Sir, I–I... Sir, I... :'''Ashley''': ''[sighs; steels herself and turns back to Homelander]'' He's terrified of you, sir. He thinks you're just a tiny bit psychotic. :'''Homelander''': Steven! ''[steps towards Calhoun, glaring intensely]'' Here I am. A living god. ''[rests his hands on Calhoun's shoulders]'' Right before your eyes. And still, your faith wavers? ''[beat; Calhoun is clearly too terrified to answer]'' It's okay. No, I'm not angry. ''[clasps his head gently]'' But I ''am'' disappointed. :''[He crushes Calhoun's head into a pulp, then wipes the blood off his hands on a sofa. An utterly terrified Ashley stares at Calhoun's body as Homelander sits back down.]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie sees Kimiko suffering from radiation exposure inside a homemade uranium chamber while Butcher and Frenchie watch]'' :'''Hughie''': What the fuck is going on in here? :'''Kimiko''': I'm okay. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Frenchie]'' The second she's ready, we go the next dose, alright? :'''Hughie''': "Next dose?" Are you kidding?! Look at her! What are you doing? :'''Butcher''': Plan fuckin' B, my son. If at first you don't succeed, find another hole to fuck. See, Soldier Boy's flashy tіt blast got me thinkin', he–he weren't born with that power. The Ivans gave it to him through a consistent application of scientific methodology. :'''Frenchie''': They threw an atom bomb worth of radiation at him. :'''Butcher''': Right. So, usin' the research we nicked from 'em a few donkeys back, me and Frenchie are doin' the same thing to Kimiko. She gets Soldier Boy's power, she tіt-blasts Homelander, bees and fuckin' honey. :'''Hughie''': So when we kept asking what you two were up to, and you kept saying, "Mind your fuckin' business, cunt," it was this? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. :'''Hughie''': Butcher, this is... the most insane-ass shit I ever heard. In a few weeks, you're gonna somehow do what it took the Russians over a decade? :'''Butcher''': Yeah, 'cause unlike the Ivans, we got us a livin', breathin' supercomputer bunked down in student services. :'''Hughie''': Sage? All she does is self-medicate and binge [[w:Love Island (American TV series)|''Love Island'']]. This could fucking kill Kimiko. Frenchie… :'''Frenchie''': No. It's not my wish. :'''Hughie''': Fuck Butcher. Who cares what he wants? :''[Kimiko coughs and stumbles out of the uranium chamber]''  :'''Kimiko''': Not Butcher. ''[panting heavily]'' Me. It's my call. <hr width='50%'> :'''Annie''': Oh Father's up to something big at Vought Studios, but we don't know what. Could be a trap. :'''Frenchie''': Could be. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Frenchie]'' You stay here with Kimiko and Sage. We'll bust into the studio, nab the holy twat, stomp on his bollocks till he gives us Homelander's next move. And then I'll do the cunt and we'll call it an honest day's work, yeah? :'''Hughie''': No. Quit acting like we're going on a milk run. It's over. ''[voice breaking]'' We lost. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' [[w:Victoria Beckham|Posh Spice]] was easily the most shit member of [[w:Spice Girls|the squad]]. Could barely sing or dance. No discernible talent whatsoever. Wasn't even featured on [[w:Wannabe|"Wannabe"]], but did that stop her? No. You look at her now... still married with [[w:David Beckham|Becks]]. Fifteen engagement rings, 32 ''Vogue'' covers, inducted by Prince William into the Order of the bloody British Empire. Even I doubted her move into women's apparel, but her line is a staple at Paris fuckin' Fashion Week. You see, despite her obvious disadvantages–includin' a tragic inability to smile–she never gave up, and we ain't givin' up either. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shakes his head]'' Your fuckin' pep talks. :'''Frenchie''': Terrible. :'''Annie''': The worst. :'''Butcher''': Ah, bollocks. That was a fuckin' knockout. <hr width='50%'> :''[Alone and depressed, The Deep tosses an aluminum can into the sea. A hammerhead shark appears and [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|speaks to him]]]'' :'''Xander''': Yo! You gonna get that, bro? :'''The Deep''': Xander! ''[chuckles]'' Hey, what you doing here? So good to see you, man. :'''Xander''': We wouldn't want a little guppy to get caught in that can, my man. Come on in, grab it. ''[swims in circles]'' :'''The Deep''': I've had such a fucked day, man. You wouldn't believe it, bro. :'''Xander''': Yeah. Get in the water, man. :'''The Deep''': No. You're not... You're not listening to me– :'''Xander''': ''[angrily]'' Ah, shut the fuck up! We know you were responsible for the pipeline genocide. Remember March 15th, motherfucker! :'''The Deep''': No... No, wait, that–That wasn't me, man! :'''Xander''': If you step one foot, one fucking stupid-ass simian toe in the water ''ANYWHERE''—an ocean, a stream, a fucking puddle—on God, son, you're dead! We're gonna ''KILL YOU!'' You understand, you dumb motherfucker?! Water is fucking off limits to you! ''YOU ARE '''DEAD''' TO US! [swimming away]'' Bitch-ass! <hr width='50%'> :''[Soldier Boy sees Homelander standing over a scale model of a Homelander-themed amusement park]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': The fuck is all this? :'''Homelander''': Hey. HomeLand. Next phase of the reboot. Showing the faithful my boundless love for them. ''[points at a monument of himself]'' That there? The Homelander Mount. We're saying that this is where the angel visited me, and I ascended to godhood. :'''Soldier Boy''': …Right. :'''Homelander''': You're gonna love this. ''[waves his hand over a rollercoaster]'' This area here? We're calling it: "Soldier Boy: Father of God!" All the fastest rides are gonna be there, and every night, there's gonna be a ticker-tape parade, honoring you. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' I'm gonna head down to Bogotá. Figure I'll snort and fuck my way through the banana republics. :'''Homelander''': Uh... When are you coming back? :'''Soldier Boy''': Probably not for… ever. :'''Homelander''': What? Look, if you don't like the park, I mean, forget it. I don't–I don't care about any of it. You want hοοker and blow? I'll get you all the drugs and all the wrinkly old whοres in America. :'''Soldier Boy''': No, you're not hearing me. :'''Homelander''': No, you're not hearing ''me.'' I am where I am because you chose me. To help me. So, I want you to have whatever you want. :'''Soldier Boy''': What I want is to get away. :'''Homelander''': From what? ''[scoffs]'' Or from who? :'''Soldier Boy''': This just ain't my bag, kid. :'''Homelander''': I welded your shield back together, you never use it. I hired you a three-star Michelin chef, all you ever order is meatloaf and chili. I even had L.J. mock up a new super suit for you. :''[Homelander pulls out a poster of Soldier Boy wearing an American flag-patterned suit]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, God. See, that's what I'm talking about. :'''Homelander''': Oh, God? What?! :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't want that. And another thing: I gave you the V1 because of Clara. Because that's what she would've wanted. This was never gonna be a "playing catch on the front lawn", "fixing up the old Impala" bullshit. You're too weird. :'''Homelander''': Stop fucking saying that. :'''Soldier Boy''': And you're no god. No angel came to you. You had a wet dream about some chick with big, juicy tіts. If that makes you a god, then I'm a fucking god every night. :'''Homelander''': '''I ''AM'' GOD!''' :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' Would it help if I said, "It's not you, it's me"? :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs softly]'' If you wanna go, go. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sighs; pats Homelander on the back]'' Good luck, son. :''[Homelander suddenly grabs Soldier Boy from behind and puts him in a chokehold until he passes out]'' :'''Homelander''': I love you. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mother's Milk''': Help me out here. In the movie, was Homelander God, the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]], or Jesus' brother? 'Cause the world-building in there was fuckеd. :'''Annie''': Does it even matter? I mean, they will believe whatever he tells them. What is the fucking point of saving people if they don't wanna be saved? This is what they want. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[beat]'' Alright. So, back when my Gramps got killed by Soldier Boy, shit got rough. Neighborhood kids laughed, called me soft, shit like that. And then one day, I find this pigeon on the sidewalk, wing busted. He was in bad shape. So, I run inside, grab a shoebox and a first aid kit, and come to start nursin' it. I figure, if I can save just this one life, maybe it might somehow make up for... Anyway, those same fuckin' kids, they found out. And so now, it don't take a genius to go from Marvin Milk to Mother's Milk. "Yo, Mother's Milk, you letting that sky rat suck on your tіttіеs or that dіck?" They were relentless. Right up until the day when that little bird flew outta my house and right over their heads, good as new. And you know what, Annie? Here's the crazy thing: I loved my new name. 'Cause I loved helpin' people. I loved being kind, makin' my family proud. That name was a badge of honor for me. Now, last year, locked up in that detention center, something changed. My heart, it just got scarred over. Like the world had just broken it one too many times. And yeah, it got easier, just being cynical. Checking out. But I also hated myself a lot more. I went from being a mοthеrfuckеr with a heart to just being a mοthеrfuckеr. But you know what? Givin' a shit in a world where nobody gives a shit? It ain't soft. It's hard as hell… and that's the real me. ''[pause]'' And that's the real you, too. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher and Hughie are captured by a psychic shapeshifter named Synapse]'' :'''Synapse''': How are you two feeling? :'''Butcher''': Why don't you just fuck off outta my head and I'll tell ya. :'''Synapse''': I already know. You wanna rip me in two, which makes a tiny bit erect, not gonna lie. But believe me… I'd rather not be in that rat's nest of yours. So much pain, regret and abject failure. Like with this fucking guy. :''[Synapse's body twitches as he transforms into Joe Kessler]'' :'''Synapse/Kessler''': ''[chuckles; sighs]'' I got a little bit of an erection myself. You miss me? :'''Hughie''': Who's this? :'''Butcher''': He ain't real. He's just fuckin' with us. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': Come on, man. ''[to Hughie]'' Joseph Alan Kessler. I served with Bill. Actually, you know what? More than that. Billy and I… ''[makes a hand heart gesture]'' we were besties. See, the problem you're having is that curdled cottage cheese you got inside your skull that remembers me as being some sort of a sociopath head case. That hurts my feelings, Billy. It’s not true. That wasn’t me. No, that was always you. You know, sometimes, Billy’d get real friggin’ blitzed. All quiet and sullen. And then he’d admit that he had this darkness inside of him. A shark that couldn’t stop. ''[pause]'' You see, Billy had no conscience. So, I was there to be that for him. Pull him back when he went too far. ''[to Butcher]'' Does that ring any bells? :'''Butcher''': Just ignore him, Hughie. It’s just psyops bollocks. That’s all. Just bollocks. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': Do you remember when the night finally came to cash that check? Panjshir Valley. We were there to take out this mid-level ISIS clown. Billy got us into the compound. The problem is that we got this call that this asshat had a hundred men that were minutes behind us. Now, any sane command leader, they’d pull their men out. Make sure they were safe. But not Billy, no. See, Billy got that little glint in his eye. Wouldn’t give the order, so I got in his face. I screamed at him, "The target’s not worth it. The target wasn’t worth it!" ''[beat]'' Nothing, so I popped him one. Smacked him right there on the forehead, got him this sweet little scar you see. But Billy? Well, Billy didn’t budge. No. And sure as shit… we were surrounded. Good news is that old Butcher, he got his target. The issue was that Billy was the only member of the unit to walk out of there alive. So, he will ask you to pull him back. But the truth of the matter is, is you are fucked when you get in his way. Lot of dead canaries in old Billy Butcher’s coal mine. Anyway… Good luck with that, Hughie. :'''Butcher''': Why don’t you just piss off, you fuckin' nonce? We ain’t tellin' you shite. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': You don’t have to tell me “shite.” I know everything. I’ve been inside your cassava the whole fucking time. I’ve just been distracting you. Let’s see, Sage is in an abandoned school in Erie, Pennsylvania, and Kimiko? Seriously? You’re gonna saddle her with Soldier Boy’s power blast? Are you fucking insane? ''[laughs]'' Homelander is gonna love this shit. Alright, boys. I’ll see you soon. <hr width='50%'> :''[Frenchie taps on a wall to divert Homelander away from Kimiko and Sister Sage. Homelander immediately comes to Frenchie and sees him inside the homemade uranium chamber.]'' :'''Homelander''': The Frenchman. ''[opens the door]'' Where are the others? Where's Sage? :''[Frenchie says nothing and smirks while giving Homelander the middle finger]'' :'''Homelander''': Oh, ha-ha-ha. ''[pause; walks into the chamber]'' You don't really think you're gonna recreate Soldier Boy's little party trick, do you? :'''Frenchie''': We already did... and they're coming for you as we speak. So gargle my hairy nutsack, you Nazi ''putain''. And gargle on this. :''[Frenchie flips a lever up to expose Homelander and himself to radiation. They both groan in pain as their faces start blistering.]'' :'''Frenchie''': Look at you. I bet you never danced a day in your life. ==''"Blood and Bone"'' [5.08]== :'''Homelander''': It's alright. I'm not here to hurt you. :'''Ryan''': You mean like last time? :'''Homelander''': Look at you. No harm done. :'''Ryan''': How'd you find me? :'''Homelander''': Crime Analytics caught wind of a young man flying outside Kolvereid. Tends to draw attention. :'''Ryan''': I don't want your help. :'''Homelander''': I know. You've made that very clear. But you're also the son of God, and you should not be sleeping in a barn. You can have a whole floor of the Tower. Do what you want with it, come and go as you please. :'''Ryan''': I don't wanna be anywhere near you. :'''Homelander''': Everything is different now. I've ascended. I'm immortal. :'''Ryan''': Then, why do you give a shit about what happens to me? :'''Homelander''': Because we're family. ''[Ryan scoffs]'' We have the same blood pumping through our veins. :'''Ryan''': Yeah, well, you've got your shitty racist dad. So you don't need me. :'''Homelander''': No, Soldier Boy doesn't matter. You and I, that's all that matters. I know you, because I ''am'' you. And you're me. :'''Ryan''': Dad… Get fuckеd. I am nothing like you. You were already the most powerful person on Earth. And you were a lonely, miserable piece of fucking shit, throwing tantrums when you didn't get what you want. Why the fuck would more power make you any better? It's just gonna make you an even more lonely, miserable piece of shit. Scaring people into calling you God doesn't make you God. And deep down, you know that. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; tearfully sighs]'' It's okay. You don't know what's going on. It's okay… but you will. <hr width='50%'> :''[After M.M. kills Oh Father by blocking his mouth with a titanium ball gag, causing his head to explode and spill blood all around]'' :'''Hughie''': I really need a new job. <hr width='50%'> :'''The Deep''': Starlight... It was all a test. Yes! The universe is rewarding me for my loyalty, just like [[w:Sean Connery|Sean Connery]] rewarded [[w:Kevin Costner|Costner]] at the end of ''[[w:Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves|Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]''! :'''Hughie''': Sweet ''Jesus'', you're a moron. :'''The Deep''': ''[glances at him in annoyance, then points at Starlight]'' I'm gonna kill you. And then Homelander will finally see. :'''Annie''': ''[to M.M. and Hughie]'' I got him. Keep going. :''[She lunges at the Deep, carrying them both through a window and across Washington before they crash land on a seashore. They both pick themselves up, and the Deep keeps trying to attack her.]'' :'''Annie''': Why are you doing this, huh? Risking your life for a man who wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire? :'''The Deep''': I'm his right-hand bro! He'll piss on me whenever I want! :'''Annie''': Listen... I know you're scared-- :'''The Deep''': I'm not scared of shit! :'''Annie''': Deep, ''Kevin''... I can see in your eyes. Homelander terrifies you, but he sure as fuck doesn't respect you. Don't you wanna be free of it? Of him? :'''The Deep''': That fucking mouth of yours...! :'''Annie''': This isn't about me. :'''The Deep''': OF COURSE IT IS! I used to have it all! Real power, respect, a Top 50 STARmeter on [[w:IMDb|IMDb]] Pro! But all the bad shit started when ''you'' showed up! I LOST EVERYTHING! :'''Annie''': ''You'' made those fucked-up choices. You ruined your own life. You're not a fucking baby. For once, take some responsibility for yourself. :'''The Deep''': ''[exploding with rage] '''NOOOO!''''' :''[They fight, and though the Deep manages to knock her to the ground once, Annie delivers several heavy blows, including one to his groin, before blasting him and sending him flying backwards into the sea. He is immediately surrounded by a mob of angry sharks.]'' :'''Sharks''': Justice for Ambrosius! :'''The Deep''': ''[terrified]'' Oh my God! Oh, shit! I'm so sorry! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Stay away from me! :''[He pitifully tries to swim back to shore, but a [[w:Giant Pacific octopus|giant octopus]] grabs him by the leg.]'' :'''Octopus''': Say her name! :'''The Deep''': Fuck! I'm sorry! Oh, shit! :''[The octopus uses its tentacle to impale him through his backside, the tip erupting from his mouth. He is then dragged under, and the sharks devour him in a cloud of blood as Annie watches in shock.]'' :'''Annie''': ...Huh. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander gives his Easter address from the Oval Office and begins reading from a teleprompter]'' :'''Homelander''': My fellow Americans... Happy Easter. A day commemorating Jesus, who, as we all know, was tortured, stripped of his dignity and killed. And that's all well and good... but you're Americans. You deserve a God who doesn't die. A God who fights back. A God you can believe in. Well, today, I bring you good news. Recently, I was visited by an exquisite angel bearing the gift of revelation. As I bathed in her light, her heavenly lips spilled sweet truth into my ear, and I was awakened to my true purpose. Not just to be the world's greatest hero but to save all humanity. To be... the Second Coming. But in a way, really, I'm the First Coming. America... I am the Lord. Your savior. ''I am your God.'' And as such, I'm going to usher this world into a new, golden dawn. An age in which your God moves among you, seen and heard. Your prayers are truly answered when you visit "homelander.church." And all I ask for in return… I simply ask that you open your hearts and put your faith in me. Those who accept my truth will be welcomed into a land of milk and honey. For I am your Fa… :''[Homelander stares blankly at the teleprompter when he sees the word "Father"]'' :'''Homelander''': I am… ''[beat]'' But no matter what I do, some of you people will never accept me into your hearts. Never love me. Never believe in me. And to such heretics, I offer oblivion. And those who seek to destroy me, you will die the most horrible of deaths, as befits your wickedness. My reign will last forever, and when this world is cold and dead, I shall remain. Eternal. God of the ashes. :''[Butcher and Kimiko suddenly break into the Oval Office]'' :'''Butcher''': Evening, cunts. Daddy's home.  :'''Homelander''': William. I was starting to think you weren't going to hold up your end of our deal. :'''Butcher''': Scorched earth? :'''Homelander''': ''[pause; grins]'' A shame about the French one. How's your little science experiment going without him? :'''Butcher''': Let's find out. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander is now at Butcher's mercy after losing his powers]'' :'''Butcher''': Shock and awe, my son. Blood and fuckin' bone. :''[Homelander charges toward Butcher, who grabs Homelander's fist with his left hand and punches him three times with the other. Butcher grabs Homelander again and prepares to land another punch.]'' :'''Butcher''': This... is for Frenchie. :''[Butcher beats Homelander's face to a bloody pulp, knocking him down to the floor and leaving him blubbering in fear]'' :'''Homelander''': Stop! You owe me. All the times I could've killed you and I didn't, I let you live. I'll–I'll give you Vought. ''[Butcher picks up his crowbar]'' I'll give you Vought, alright? You can do whatever you want with it, okay? I'll–I'll... ''[stammers]'' Becca. You want your wife back? I'll have a shape-shifter be her. ''[whimpers]'' Just tell me! I'll fucking suck your dіck! Please! I'll do anything! You want me to eat shit? I'll eat your fucking shit! I'll eat your fucking shit on live TV! ''[pause; Butcher knocks him down against the desk]'' Madelyn, you promised me. It's not real. ''[to Butcher]'' You can't fucking do this. ''You can't fucking do this! '''I am the Homelander!''''' :'''Butcher''': No. No, you ain't nothing. And this... This is for my Becca. :'''Homelander''': No, no... :''[Butcher stabs Homelander in the head with the crowbar. He lifts it upwards, breaking Homelander's skull open and spilling his brains all over the desk.]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie confronts Butcher at Vought Tower to stop him from releasing the Supe virus. Butcher is looking out the window when Hughie enters the main conference room.]'' :'''Butcher''': Traffic? :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Accident on the bridge. Should've taken the tunnel. :'''Butcher''': ''[turns around]'' I thought you might try to stop me. But you shouldn't have come alone. You should've brought a fuckin' army. :'''Hughie''': No. If you were gonna release the virus, you would've done it already. :'''Butcher''': Unless... I'm waitin' for all the Supe cunts to clock in for the day shift. Not much point shootin' spunk into an empty fuckin' building, now is there? :'''Hughie''': Okay, well, now I kinda wish I brought an army. Where's the virus, Butcher? :'''Butcher''': I dumped it in the sprinkler tank. Frenchie's idea, God rest the mad bastard. ''[picks up remote controller]'' All I gotta do is pull this trigger, and it rains kill juice on all 99 floors. Shit will be worldwide within a couple of days. :'''Hughie''': Why? I mean, we already won. :'''Butcher''': Won? No, we just gave 'em a black eye. As long as there's Vought, there'll be Supes. And sooner or later, some cunt that's already out there becomes the next Homelander, and you fuckin' know it. No. We need to end the whole bloody notion of Supes, and we need to make it permanent. I mean, you can see it, right? This is it. This is the moment. :'''Hughie''': You dragged me through fucking hell... for this. For now. To be your... canary. Or your Kessler. Or Lenny. But here's the thing: You don't need me for that. You never did. It's already in you. I can see it. You might have a broken fucking heart, but you have one. You are not a monster, Butcher. It just hurts to be human. :'''Butcher''': I'm sorry, mate. Superheroes... are done. :'''Hughie''': ''[pulls out gun]'' I can't let you do it. :'''Butcher''': Petit Hughie and his gun. Takes some big bollocks to pull the trigger on a mate. :'''Hughie''': ''[aims the gun at Butcher]'' I will if I have to. :'''Butcher''': ''[chuckles]'' Nah. You ain't got the… :''[Butcher takes the gun from Hughie, punches him and throws him across the room]'' :'''Butcher''': Stay down. :''[Butcher sees Hughie staring at the remote and rushes to take it before Hughie does. Hughie quickly gets up and trades more blows with Butcher, spitting blood onto the floor after getting punched hard in the gut. Eventually, Butcher gains the upper hand and picks up the remote while Hughie lies helpless on the floor. Before he can pull the remote trigger, he has a hallucination of Lenny lying in Hughie's place. He gets shot in the abdomen by Hughie as he moves his finger away from the trigger. Realizing what he did, Hughie rushes to Butcher's side.]'' :'''Hughie''': I'm sorry. Um... I didn't wanna–I didn't wanna do that. Um... I'm–I'm gonna call an ambulance, okay? :'''Butcher''': I wouldn't bother. It's all right, Hughie. I gave you no choice. I... I wasn't gonna stop. All the blood... and shite I put you through... and none of it made a blind bit of difference. You–You stayed yourself... no matter what I done. ''[coughs]'' :'''Hughie''': Hey. :'''Butcher''': …I don't know what to do. :'''Hughie''': You don't need to do anything. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat; Hughie holds his hand]'' You really are... the spittin' of Lenny. :''[Butcher slowly loses his grip on Hughie as he dies]'' <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': ''[last lines; to his and Annie's unborn daughter]'' Take care of your mom, Robin. ==External links== {{Wikipedia|The Boys season 5}} {{The Boys}} [[Category:The Boys (TV series) seasons]] grskde9gv444e38k1kcglhtuf2f5ics 0 306877 3944750 3935690 2026-05-24T07:01:49Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Pilot */ 3944750 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''[voiceover]'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== :'''Stephen''': Should I return the cashmere horse blanket I got for your horse cashmere? :'''Dalia''': No, n... Daddy, you know cashmere loves cashmere. ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] 3uxfbfw3wnorlmwow45ftpt6capxmxo 3944751 3944750 2026-05-24T07:02:16Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Pilot */ 3944751 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== :'''Stephen''': Should I return the cashmere horse blanket I got for your horse cashmere? :'''Dalia''': No, n... Daddy, you know cashmere loves cashmere. ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] atkav1a82qol4n0yma30bauwhm9n9ym 3944752 3944751 2026-05-24T07:02:42Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Thanksgiving */ 3944752 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== :'''Stephen''': Should I return the cashmere horse blanket I got for your horse cashmere? :'''Dalia''': No, n… Daddy, you know cashmere loves cashmere. ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] 6ycx4hpu3htuprzt6og3xyw2w0n6czk 3944756 3944752 2026-05-24T07:22:55Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* The Barbecue */ 3944756 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. How could I have kissed a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger… And actually like it? ''(Alarm beeps on her phone and she turns it off)'' But it’s a new day. I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened. ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== :'''Stephen''': Should I return the cashmere horse blanket I got for your horse cashmere? :'''Dalia''': No, n… Daddy, you know cashmere loves cashmere. ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] mk7lg6kq4qb010wqt7h7rrohi2wrbf0 3944763 3944756 2026-05-24T07:36:09Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* The Barbecue */ 3944763 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. How could I have kissed a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger… And actually like it? ''(Alarm beeps on her phone and she turns it off)'' But it’s a new day. I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened. ---- ''(The scene cuts to the high school where Tessa shuts the locker door and sees Lisa.)'' :'''Tessa''': Lisa! Hey. :'''Lisa''': I know what’s going on between you and my brother. :'''Tessa''': Nothing is going on. :'''Lisa''': Then why were you looking at him like that this morning when he was washing the car? This is pathetic. I thought you were different. You should have seen the look on your face. It was sickening. ''(Tessa doesn’t realize why she was looking at Lisa’s brother and she walks away.)'' :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Lisa was right. It was sickening. I was sick. I was terminal, and I had to find a cure. Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew. Much more my type. Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote? :'''Tessa''': ''(She stops the boy)'' Hi. I’m Tessa. :'''Evan''': I’m Evan. :'''Tessa''': Wanna make out? :'''Evan''': What? I mean… what? ''(She starts to hold him against the vending machine and then starts to kiss him.)'' :'''Tessa''': Damn it, Evan! I feel nothing. Nothing. :'''Evan''': Sorry? :'''Tessa''': Not as sorry as I am. As you were, Evan. ''(She leaves Evan behind)'' :'''Evan''': What? ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== :'''Stephen''': Should I return the cashmere horse blanket I got for your horse cashmere? :'''Dalia''': No, n… Daddy, you know cashmere loves cashmere. ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] 4nss9acldn9ij9wq0uxs6yfoqgo196h 3944765 3944763 2026-05-24T07:37:26Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Season 1 */ 3944765 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull.)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls.)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. How could I have kissed a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger… And actually like it? ''(Alarm beeps on her phone and she turns it off)'' But it’s a new day. I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened. ---- ''(The scene cuts to the high school where Tessa shuts the locker door and sees Lisa.)'' :'''Tessa''': Lisa! Hey. :'''Lisa''': I know what’s going on between you and my brother. :'''Tessa''': Nothing is going on. :'''Lisa''': Then why were you looking at him like that this morning when he was washing the car? This is pathetic. I thought you were different. You should have seen the look on your face. It was sickening. ''(Tessa doesn’t realize why she was looking at Lisa’s brother and she walks away.)'' :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Lisa was right. It was sickening. I was sick. I was terminal, and I had to find a cure. Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew. Much more my type. Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote? :'''Tessa''': ''(She stops the boy)'' Hi. I’m Tessa. :'''Evan''': I’m Evan. :'''Tessa''': Wanna make out? :'''Evan''': What? I mean… what? ''(She starts to hold him against the vending machine and then starts to kiss him.)'' :'''Tessa''': Damn it, Evan! I feel nothing. Nothing. :'''Evan''': Sorry? :'''Tessa''': Not as sorry as I am. As you were, Evan. ''(She leaves Evan behind)'' :'''Evan''': What? ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== :'''Stephen''': Should I return the cashmere horse blanket I got for your horse cashmere? :'''Dalia''': No, n… Daddy, you know cashmere loves cashmere. ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] 2w1tsef0leby1lykicrmikvar5i4uog 3944767 3944765 2026-05-24T07:38:17Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Thanksgiving */ 3944767 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull.)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls.)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. How could I have kissed a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger… And actually like it? ''(Alarm beeps on her phone and she turns it off)'' But it’s a new day. I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened. ---- ''(The scene cuts to the high school where Tessa shuts the locker door and sees Lisa.)'' :'''Tessa''': Lisa! Hey. :'''Lisa''': I know what’s going on between you and my brother. :'''Tessa''': Nothing is going on. :'''Lisa''': Then why were you looking at him like that this morning when he was washing the car? This is pathetic. I thought you were different. You should have seen the look on your face. It was sickening. ''(Tessa doesn’t realize why she was looking at Lisa’s brother and she walks away.)'' :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Lisa was right. It was sickening. I was sick. I was terminal, and I had to find a cure. Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew. Much more my type. Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote? :'''Tessa''': ''(She stops the boy)'' Hi. I’m Tessa. :'''Evan''': I’m Evan. :'''Tessa''': Wanna make out? :'''Evan''': What? I mean… what? ''(She starts to hold him against the vending machine and then starts to kiss him.)'' :'''Tessa''': Damn it, Evan! I feel nothing. Nothing. :'''Evan''': Sorry? :'''Tessa''': Not as sorry as I am. As you were, Evan. ''(She leaves Evan behind)'' :'''Evan''': What? ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] kjmjdtnm65c36l9782wf02lb16gxdx4 3944778 3944767 2026-05-24T08:01:59Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Don't Call Me Shirley */ 3944778 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull.)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls.)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. How could I have kissed a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger… And actually like it? ''(Alarm beeps on her phone and she turns it off)'' But it’s a new day. I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened. ---- ''(The scene cuts to the high school where Tessa shuts the locker door and sees Lisa.)'' :'''Tessa''': Lisa! Hey. :'''Lisa''': I know what’s going on between you and my brother. :'''Tessa''': Nothing is going on. :'''Lisa''': Then why were you looking at him like that this morning when he was washing the car? This is pathetic. I thought you were different. You should have seen the look on your face. It was sickening. ''(Tessa doesn’t realize why she was looking at Lisa’s brother and she walks away.)'' :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Lisa was right. It was sickening. I was sick. I was terminal, and I had to find a cure. Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew. Much more my type. Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote? :'''Tessa''': ''(She stops the boy)'' Hi. I’m Tessa. :'''Evan''': I’m Evan. :'''Tessa''': Wanna make out? :'''Evan''': What? I mean… what? ''(She starts to hold him against the vending machine and then starts to kiss him.)'' :'''Tessa''': Damn it, Evan! I feel nothing. Nothing. :'''Evan''': Sorry? :'''Tessa''': Not as sorry as I am. As you were, Evan. ''(She leaves Evan behind)'' :'''Evan''': What? ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' They say it’s always quiet before the storm, but here in the suburbs, it’s just quiet. ---- ''(Meanwhile, at the high school, Tessa notices the eye of the fish at the cafeteria.)'' :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Lunch was giving me the evil eye, and so was my high school Nemesis, Dalia, the girl who personified what I hate about the suburbs. ''(So she decided to sit next to Malik.)'' :'''Tessa''': Hey. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Students. Students, I must interrupt lunch with a message that is both shocking and upsetting. Something happened this morning that threatens the quality of life as we know it. :'''Tessa''': Is this about the dolls? Can’t be about the dolls. :'''Mr. Wolf''': It ''is'' about the dolls. Potentially violent criminals are targeting the homes of Chatswin High students. This is what we call a teachable moment. Let’s chat about crime. Lisa, you’re a victim… In so many ways. How does that feel? :'''Lisa''': Mm. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-Mnh. Mnh-mnh. :'''Mr. Wolf''': I think that’s her way of saying, “it feels bad.” Keep eating. If we don’t keep eating, they win. ''(Dalia comes up and takes the microphone from him.)'' :'''Dalia''': I just want to say, it’s pretty obvious who committed the crime. :'''Evan''': ''(standing up)'' It wasn’t me. :'''Dalia''': Not you. This crime spree started when certain people moved here from New York, New York, New… New York. :'''Tessa''': She’s talking about me. ''(Evan slowly moves over to the next table.)'' ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] o3xgfd26pj79ss6ftcqrnrmacwt6i4h 3944779 3944778 2026-05-24T08:02:43Z ~2026-22475-30 3310494 /* Don't Call Me Shirley */ 3944779 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ''[[Suburgatory]]'' is an American television sitcom that aired from September 28, 2011 to May 14, 2014, on [[American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. ==Season 1== ===Pilot=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' To probably navigate suburbia, one needs a stay-at-home mom to drive you places. Without one, you’re living like the early settler. I mean, is that what dad wanted? For me to become some zombie-eyed girl in the back of a fully loaded S.U.V.? ''(One of the D-bags in the back seat chucks a can of Red-Bull at Tessa.)'' :'''D-bag''': Yo! :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' At that precise moment, I had no idea what it was. ''(It hits Tessa in her head and falls to the ground.)'' :'''Tessa''': Ow. :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' But I would later find out this was the official drink of suburbanites. It was sugarfree Red Bull. ---- ''(The scene cuts to Dalla’s daughter named Dalia who drinks the Red Bull.)'' :'''Dalia''': Are you a lesbian? :'''Tessa''': You mean because I’m not dressed like I have a pole in my locker? :'''Dalia''': ''(definitively)'' Those are lesbian boots. ''(Mr. Wolf, Tessa’s guidance counselor, steps out his office to introduce the girls.)'' :'''Mr. Wolf''': Tessa, I’m Mr. Wolf, your guidance counselor. I’m here to help you absolutely any time you need… Between the hour of 12:00 and 12:45pm. And this is Dalia. Dalia is your buddy. :'''Tessa''': How so? :'''Mr. Wolf''': Buddies are volunteers who show new students around the school. :'''Dalia''': For extra credit. :'''Mr. Wolf''': For extra credit. :'''Dalia''': Buddies are not your friends. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Not necessarily, no. :'''Tessa''': Have you ever thought of maybe calling them something else? :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' That look said it all… Welcome to Suburgatory. ---- :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' The next morning, we didn’t speak much. Instead, dad and I expressed our feelings through passive-aggressive reference books. ===The Barbecue=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Ryan Shay is a neanderthal. How could I have kissed a person who is, by all accounts, a knuckle-dragger… And actually like it? ''(Alarm beeps on her phone and she turns it off)'' But it’s a new day. I was determined to press on and act as though last night never happened. ---- ''(The scene cuts to the high school where Tessa shuts the locker door and sees Lisa.)'' :'''Tessa''': Lisa! Hey. :'''Lisa''': I know what’s going on between you and my brother. :'''Tessa''': Nothing is going on. :'''Lisa''': Then why were you looking at him like that this morning when he was washing the car? This is pathetic. I thought you were different. You should have seen the look on your face. It was sickening. ''(Tessa doesn’t realize why she was looking at Lisa’s brother and she walks away.)'' :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Lisa was right. It was sickening. I was sick. I was terminal, and I had to find a cure. Intellectual, neurotic, self-loathing Jew. Much more my type. Could he be the Ryan Shay antidote? :'''Tessa''': ''(She stops the boy)'' Hi. I’m Tessa. :'''Evan''': I’m Evan. :'''Tessa''': Wanna make out? :'''Evan''': What? I mean… what? ''(She starts to hold him against the vending machine and then starts to kiss him.)'' :'''Tessa''': Damn it, Evan! I feel nothing. Nothing. :'''Evan''': Sorry? :'''Tessa''': Not as sorry as I am. As you were, Evan. ''(She leaves Evan behind)'' :'''Evan''': What? ===The Chatterer=== ===Don't Call Me Shirley=== :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' They say it’s always quiet before the storm, but here in the suburbs, it’s just quiet. ---- ''(Meanwhile, at the high school, Tessa notices the eye of the fish at the cafeteria.)'' :'''Tessa''': ''(voiceover)'' Lunch was giving me the evil eye, and so was my high school Nemesis, Dalia, the girl who personified what I hate about the suburbs. ''(So she decided to sit next to Malik.)'' :'''Tessa''': Hey. :'''Mr. Wolf''': Students. Students, I must interrupt lunch with a message that is both shocking and upsetting. Something happened this morning that threatens the quality of life as we know it. :'''Tessa''': Is this about the dolls? Can’t be about the dolls. :'''Mr. Wolf''': It ''is'' about the dolls. Potentially violent criminals are targeting the homes of Chatswin High students. This is what we call a teachable moment. Let’s chat about crime. Lisa, you’re a victim… In so many ways. How does that feel? :'''Lisa''': Mm. Mnh-mnh. Mnh-Mnh. Mnh-mnh. :'''Mr. Wolf''': I think that’s her way of saying, “it feels bad.” Keep eating. If we don’t keep eating, they win. ''(Dalia comes up and takes the microphone from him.)'' :'''Dalia''': I just want to say, it’s pretty obvious who committed the crime. :'''Malik''': ''(standing up)'' It wasn’t me. :'''Dalia''': Not you. This crime spree started when certain people moved here from New York, New York, New… New York. :'''Tessa''': She’s talking about me. ''(Malik slowly moves over to the next table.)'' ===Halloween=== ===Charity Case=== ===Sweet Sixteen=== ===Thanksgiving=== ===The Nutcracker=== ===Driving Miss Dalia=== ===Out in the Burbs=== ===The Casino Trip=== ===Sex and the Suburbs=== ===The Body=== ===Fire with Fire=== ===Poetic Injustice=== ===Independence Day=== ===Down Time=== ===Entering Eden=== ===Hear No Evil=== ===The Great Compromise=== ===The Motherload=== ==Season 2== ===Homecoming=== ===The Witch of East Chatswin=== ===Ryan's Song=== ===Foam Finger=== ===The Wishbone=== ===Friendship Fish=== ===Krampus=== ===Black Thai=== ===Junior Secretary's Day=== ===Chinese Chicken=== ===Yakult Leader=== ===Body Talk=== ===Blowtox and Burlap=== ===T-Ball & Sympathy=== ===Leaving Chatswin=== ===How to Be a Baby=== ===Eat, Pray, Eat=== ===Brown Trembler=== ===Decemberfold=== ===Go, Gamblers!=== ===Apocalypse Meow=== ===Stray Dogs=== ==Season 3== ===No Me Gusta, Mami=== ===Victor Ha=== ===Open Door Policy=== ===The Birds and the Biederman=== ===Blame it on the Rainstick=== ===About a Boy-Yoi-Yoing=== ===I'm Just Not That Into Me=== ===Catch and Release=== ===The Ballad of Piggy Duckworth=== ===No, You Can't Sit with Us=== ===Dalia Nicole Smith=== ===Les Lucioles=== ===Stiiiiiiill Horny=== == External Links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2010s American single-camera sitcoms]] [[Category:American television series about teenagers]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:ABC sitcoms]] 0v4l8nhwvr3ma4eu1hcd3n7x3i9k5wt 0 307102 3944795 3944100 2026-05-24T09:21:53Z ~2026-31005-44 3328717 /* Quotes */ Updated citation 3944795 wikitext text/x-wiki [[wikipedia:Sahara_Chowdhury|Sahara Chowdhury]] (born 2002) is a prominent Bangladeshi transgender July Uprising activist and student who gained national attention for her advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and authoring the Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto. == Quotes == *For right wingers and moderates, the way the current social system funnels lgbts into coerced prostitution and sexual slavery is not social degeneracy and nor a strike on a sensitive issue— but the marriage rights of lgbt people is social degeneracy and a strike on a sensitive issue, because their purpose and their goal is precisely to keep relationships that do not produce children relegated purely within the domain of exploitative prostitution and temporary flings rather than long term families. Before elaborating on this idea one must point out that all capitalists who benefit from capitalism may not consciously understand that they are stealing the surplus value of labor from the workers. So when we speak of the purpose behind anti-LGBT rhetoric, the question will arise: “Do you really think all homophobes and transphobes calculated all of this? That they carry around this nefarious scheme?” And the answer is the same as it is with capitalists: even if they don’t understand the intricacies of the oppressive system they're benefitting from by exploiting people, their perpetuation of that system still makes them complicit in its injustice. So we arrive at the question: what is the purpose of homophobia and transphobia? There is, of course, the general purpose of all bigotry, to make society as hierarchical as possible so that the working person feels a semblance of control and power by imagining other working class people in a social station beneath him and comes to view his own station beneath capitalists as only a natural product of the world. To make exploitation of the labor of the lower class minority identities easier, such as the enslavement of black people. Or the wage gap between cis women and cis men, and lower yet wages for trans men and trans women. The purpose of bigotry mostly is not genocide, it is exploitation and slavery. And then there is the matter of forcing and coercing population increase, women are after all, womb machines to capitalists to create future workers and soldiers. The job market must be flooded and the supply of workers must exceed the capitalists’ demand that the wage equilibrium reaches ever lower and thus more profit is generated for the capitalists. Thus the infertile cis women are treated with a violence and disregard almost nearing that of society's treatment of transgender women — for neither can give birth. And thus domestic relationships that do not produce children are condemned. But of course, sexual temporary queer relationships are allowed by the system, one which people are systemically prevented from dwelling on. This is not a new phenomenon. A similar dynamic perpetuated under feudalism, often misguidedly glorified as “tolerance.” Yes, same-sex desire was sometimes tolerated but only so under a brutal condition: you had to marry heterosexually and produce legitimate heirs, especially if you had laid claim to divine blood to justify kingship. Your queer desires could be indulged in only with disposable prostitutes and concubines who held no legal or social claim. Hijra people, sometimes celebrated as tax collectors, were in a position akin to Jewish bankers in medieval Europe, funneled into a tokenized role. It was not acceptance, it was ghettoization. This historical arrangement is similar to the status quo we find ourselves trapped in today, where married closeted politicians and businessmen lead double lives, who exploit lower-class LGBT prostitutes in secret while publicly upholding the very laws that make that exploitation possible. And here, we reach our main discussion. To understand it, we must apply a simple theory from cybernetics created by Stafford Beer: “The purpose of a system is what it does.” As he stated, there is "no point in claiming that the purpose of a system is to do what it constantly fails to do.” The purpose of a system is not what its creators or proponents say it does in paper, but what it does in reality. What does the anti-LGBT system do? Does it stop the sexual activities of LGBT people? If it does, how come there is a disproportionately large amount of LGBT prostitutes? What does denying a group of people anti-discrimination laws at educational institutions, workplace, medical institutions do? What does denying them marriage rights do? A child gets bullied for wanting to grow out its hair and look like a girl, it gets beaten by its teachers and classmates, its academic performance suffers. In a world where children are investments for the future of their parents, it is shaping up to be a sunk cost. What of marriage? Marriage is a form of investment into accessing connections, social capital and actual capital for the family. No marriage rights for LGBT people means no benefit to be gained from the child after it grows up on that angle too. So what happens is you pull out of bad investments. The child gets thrown out of home. The child has no access to education and thus no access to jobs. We glorify Hijra communes in our country, yes? Post-colonialists and decolonisers love to do so. The child, now homeless, goes to these hierarchical communes, and what happens when a community living in destitute, with no education nor jobs, has to resort to begging or prostitution, and prostitution pays so much more for the children? What happens when the rich men come down with money in their bags? What happens to the child? It. Gets. Raped. This, to the capitalists, is not a bug, it is the feature of the anti-LGBT system, the very purpose, to create for them an ever-disposable supply of young flesh to abuse. After all, these prostitutes don't make it to a very old age due to medical discrimination. They have no access to institutionally legitimized relationships, so their partner can not consent to life saving surgeries when they're unable to. They often due to the taboo perpetuated by the ruling class are kept secret from society by their partner and when they fall ill, do not even get a visit on their deathbed. And thus the older prostitutes die off to make place for the new ones. Thus keeps on eating ouroboros its tail. But worry not, true believers! Liberals will surely destroy this material exploitation that benefits the ruling class by using cultural terms for transgender people. Surely, calling us marginalized gender instead of transgender will remove the incentive of the ruling class to deny us legal rights! Surely, calling the child prostitute a performer or entertainer instead of a child prostitute will fix the issue they won't even acknowledge to exist there! This system has gone on since the feudalist era. Call us ghetuputro or hijra or koti or whatever you want, at the end of the day the result is the same, LGBTs get funneled into prostitution due to lack of legal rights. I've explained in my manifesto at length how the lack of lgbt marriage rights incentivizes parents to throw out their queer children, funnels these homeless children into prostitution, how it causes lgbt relationships to be short lived and transactional, causes trans people to be abandoned by their cis partners. Causes institutional problems due to lack of relationship acknowledgement. Anyway, while gays are denied marriage rights due to not being reproductive, marriage's endgoal remains to maintain reproduction. Ideologies that are against letting homosexuals legally marry will inevitably allow child marriage and marital rape of cis girls and women and the pederasty and coerced prostitution of queers. Women are treated as reproductive properties. Due to this, rape is less a violation of the victim's body and more a trespassing onto the father's or the husband's property. Under this mindset, marital rape can not exist because the husband is the property owner and cannot trespass his own property, child marriage is acceptable as long as the child can birth babies because that's the condition of marriage being fulfilled. And because un-reproductive bodies are not marriageable, the femboys and trans women become un-rape-able even when they're funneled into prostitution as children and violated and penetrated against consent. By maintaining medical discrimination the ruling class ensures the early deaths of these prostitutes to keep the supply of flesh forever young and maintain the lack of life long formation of attachments. While the first world legalizes Igbt marriage, it utilizes NGOs and liberal intellectuals in the third world to argue against Igbt marriage rights due to depending on the labor of third worlds. As well as incentivizing third world queers to acquiesce to getting human trafficked by sex trafficking rings to first world countries hoping for freedom from bigotry. "But won't homosexual marriage rights reinforce the patriarchal institution of marriage?" I'm glad you asked! But no, it won't. Marriage is patriarchal due to it being designed as a ritual of reproduction. Reproduction legitimizes child marriage as long as the child bride gives birth. It legitimizes marital rape. Because gay relationships do not reproduce, marriage which for lgbts would be a ritual of social acknowledgement- actually subverts patriarchal values. Whereas without marriage, in secrecy lgbt relationships affirm patriarchal assignment of queers within the realm of secret hookups and prostitution. Saying marriage is capitalistic and patriarchal so gays shouldn’t get marriage rights is like saying "the state exists to protect capital so socialists shouldn’t want a socialist state". You people are dumbfucks. The reason the lgbt issue can't be fixed with a similar approach to cis people's issue is because cis people are not mostly comprised of prostitutes and clients, and lgbt people are mostly comprised of prostitutes and clients. So while "most reported sexual violence comes from the family members" applies to cis people, it wouldn’t apply to lgbt people whose suffered violence is coming on a great level from pimps and clients who view them as lesser than family — as well as the abuse of prostitutes generally being underreported and when reported under-documented. Liberals will see all of this, and they'll say "Well, how about you teach parents not to throw their queer children out and teach queers to not abandon their partners". In this, they forego critique of problems created by policies and laws to offer individualist solutions. Instead of changing the policies that cause this. Change the individual they say, because systems are just by individuals, and they ignore mentioning which class of individuals make these rules and laws. Which class of individuals with proclivity to be rapists and pederasts enjoy the benefits of homeless queer children desperate for money. And this is why I don't have any option but violence, because the liberals refuse to be honest. John F. Kennedy was an evil man who committed genocide on communists. But he, in his self-awareness, understood one thing: “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” Whenever feminists mention that women are 50% of the population, they're really making an appeal to utilitarianism for women's rights. Which is fine and well. Minorities, of course, failing to rely on such a percentage, for their rights need to make a different sort of appeal to utilitarianism. The one in which utilitarianism needs to bend to their needs not out of the whims of the majority but rather for the safety of the majority, which must be jeopardised by the minority until the attainment of such goals. ** [https://www.scribd.com/document/1012085981/Bangladeshi-Queer-Manifesto-A-Manifesto-on-Queer-Vigilantism-Updated-Version Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * When in Western countries LGBT people have rights and non-Western countries’ LGBT population demands rights, then we are told, “LGBTs are Western culture,” and when the West takes away the rights of their LGBT communities, we are told, “Even the West doesn’t have LGBT rights, how can it be in Bangladesh?” It is their thought process that is centred around the Western ruling class, not my thought process. Free, free Palestine. Death to America. Death to Israel. The Western ruling class used to segregate black and white people 60 years ago, and enslaved them 200 years ago. Black people earned their rights through struggle and blood. So would any dumbass claim black civil rights is “western hegemony”? So the LGBT rights for which Harvey Milk was murdered, Marsha Johnson and Sylvie Rivera gave their lives for — why is it called western hegemony? Western right-wingers call our rights “cultural marxism,” and certain intellectuals in our country call our rights “ western hegemony”— that’s the extent of their cultural hegemony. Gramsci had mentioned hegemony in relation to the ruling class, as I care not for Western hegemony — neither do I respect Bengali feudalistic theocratic hegemony. Some even call our marriage rights “heteronormative”, which is like calling black people’s rights to vote “whitero-normative”. ** [https://bdfeministarchives.org/2025/08/23/press-conference-statement-of-sahara-chowdhury/ Press Conference Statement of Sahara Chowdhury] * My name is Sahara Chowdhury. I am a trans woman. During the July Uprising, I fought against the despotic Awami regime. As did many LGBT people throughout Bangladesh, such as Priya Khan and Muntasir Rahman, the discriminatory removal of whom from the NCP political party was contributed to by the online doxxing (bullying) done to him by Sorowar. There is a gay man who had been shot during the protest whose case is still in the International Crime Tribunal. Despite the contribution of queer people in the July uprising, people like Mahtab and Sorowar publicly spoke against the government website for even giving the option to register transgender martyrs of the July movement— claiming our dead are unsuitable to share the “holy list” of other cisgender martyrs. To deny potential transgender martyrs of the July genocide the option to be documented is an act of genocide denial. I sought to combat their genocide denial as best as I could. It is in fact quite ridiculous and silly that Sorowar and Mahtab, after committing genocide denial and an active attempt at impeding documentation process regarding July martyrs based on identity politics, after doxxing LGBT people in the country again and again, are choosing to act like internet drawings and memes are the most grievous act of harm done to their personage. I merely whispered in the language they are the grammarians of. It is quite ironic that Sorowar, in a press briefing, wondered, after blaming LGBT people for Western imperialism for years, why he was being blamed for the burning of hijra pollis. I have chosen to file a GD in response to their exaggeration of the situation and attempts to instigate mobs. On 13th August, I was expelled from my university due to posting satirical and polemic cartoons depicting these two public figures, who have previously doxxed (bullied) a transgender worker at Walton simply for being trans. The university did not follow proper due process, did not give me a disciplinary hearing, I was notified of my expulsion through the public notice put out by them, and far as I understand it, the university was acting unconstitutionally in expelling me “for life”. For years, I have faced harassment, rumors, and threats that have more basis in reality than satirical cartoons. When I first came to the university, I was closeted and used the male restroom. After I came out as a trans woman, faculty told me to use the female restroom. Later, the then-VC and then-Registrar said I should use a teacher’s restroom instead. I asked again if I could use the female restroom, and they gave me permission for it. But false accusations sprang up online claiming I used both male and female restrooms whenever I wanted. The truth is, I simply did not drink water during the day to avoid using any restrooms at all. However, the false accusation continued to spread. This was just one part of a bigger smear campaign. Because I was a top student, certain classmates spread rumors that, because I am a trans woman, Western organizations were paying teachers to unethically raise my grades. Even the success of trans people is used against them. In Bangladesh, LGBT activists have been murdered. I have received countless death and rape threats myself. To show I would not hide, I described my daily routine for when I am outside in my social media profile pictures. It was my way of saying, “If you want to attack me, you know where to find me”, that I am not afraid of bigots. After July, in an unofficial student group chat, the students mocked the death of a trans woman named Shila and shared videos of trans women being stabbed. When I spoke against it, they sent me threats of physical violence. I reminded them that my profile picture already shows when I am outside. If they wanted to hurt me, they could find me. They claimed this was me threatening them. I was accused of terrorism, of threatening students, and of endangering others by posting a so-called university bus schedule. In reality, I had only mentioned the time I usually wait near the Tilagor over-bridge for transport. The campus is in Pirabazar. I never said it was the university bus, and I often take a public bus instead. On August 11, I posted satirical drawings of Mohammad Sarwar Hossain and Asif Mahtab Utsho, two men who have openly opposed trans rights. These cartoons were expressions of anger from someone who is and whose community is always under attack. My work was satirical and polemic. Even a few days prior, the intersex individual Porimoni’s shop was vandalized by a mob. That was real terrorism, that was real violence, not satirical cartoons. If my writings are called terrorism, then even Fanon’s Wretched of the Earth would be called terrorism. My works are a symbol of resistance against those genocide deniers who are against our civil rights. ** [https://bdfeministarchives.org/2025/08/23/press-conference-statement-of-sahara-chowdhury/ Press Conference Statement of Sahara Chowdhury] * Reiterating my point once more, there has been a recent research that found the right wing conservative American states with the most amount of anti-transgender laws also have the most amount of searches for transgender pornography. A lot of people found this funny or hypocritical. But really, there is no hypocrisy in this. What is the consequence of anti-transgender laws? The transgender kids get thrown out of home, they can't access education without bullying, they can't get jobs. What's the consequence of that? They turn to prostitution, becoming porn actors, and concubinism. So really, conservatives are simply maintaining their supply chain of vulnerable trans people to abuse. The purpose of a system is what it does, and this is the system they've built. Like I always say, right wingers don't want to eradicate trans people completely, just like they don't want to eradicate cis women or black people. They want trans people in the lower station in the pyramid of hierarchy. They want trans people to live as sex objects without any legal recognition of marriage or institutional recognition and die after being abused and exploited. Eradicating cis women, black people, and trans people would mean right wingers can not exploit them any longer, right wingers just want to deny them legal rights to keep exploiting them. And that's worse. ** [https://www.scribd.com/document/1012085981/Bangladeshi-Queer-Manifesto-A-Manifesto-on-Queer-Vigilantism-Updated-Version Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * It's interesting that like conservatives, liberals too maintain a social hierarchy. Whereas conservatives' social hierarchy is based on who deserves more oppression, the liberal's social hierarchy is based on who deserves more liberation. They cite how "even women don't have all the rights" whenever lgbt rights are brought up. A pyramid of hierarchy for liberals. At which point in the hierarchy do queers reside? There are always bigger issues than our plight before solving which our rights are impossible to acquire so surely this implies a laundry list. Imagine if American liberals began listing off how women — half the population of America — didn’t have all the rights every time the Black people fought for their rights in the civil rights era because after all, black people were merely 10 percent of the population while ignoring the existence of black women. Liberals' approach to lgbt people is for us to assume the role of an unseemly but non-malignant tumor on the body of society rather than being an actual organ. But at the end, non-malignant tumors are cut off just to maintain aesthetics. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Do you know why charities and ngos, even when people at the top weren’t swindling the money for themselves — never substantially improved transgender lives? In the context of Bangladesh where most trans people are funneled into slums and ghettos without marriage rights as prostitutes denied family having to rely on each other to survive? A vulnerable community specifically isolated into a patch of housing environment? Let's say you're a slum lord. And these trans people suddenly get money from charities. You as a slum landlord are not going to let them spend it on themselves. You're going to raise the fucking rent. And it's easy for you to raise the rent specifically for trans people rather than both trans and cis people because the trans people are all huddled into the same living environment. So you see how it is? A community gets specifically targeted charity but it doesn’t do jack because the community is isolated and converged into the same space rather than being allowed to assimilate into society through institutions like marriage. And so the transgender whore still ends up having to sell its body for rent and food, because the house always wins. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Are you familiar with the concept of endless war, son? the defining characteristics are: 1) Unclear objectives: goals are vague (as in "defeating terrorism") rather than specific measurable targets. 2) Inability to win: a lack of capacity to achieve stated aims, yet no risk of outright defeat. 3) Lack of exit strategy: no defined endpoint or plan for withdrawal. 4) Protracted nature: lasts for years or decades with ongoing low-intensity engagement. Endless wars are by design endless and exist to generate profit for capitalists through perpetual conflict. Often we've seen how the enemy fought by the imperialistic American military is funded by American government itself. Terrorists are not even their enemies but simple playmates. Now scale these geopolitical conflicts down. Think about how NGO queer leaders work in Bangladesh. 1) They have no objectives, their goal is never to win any legal rights or changing policies. 2) They themselves are defeatist and always act like they're on the losing side and yet not perish, they can not win and nor can they lose. 3) They have no goals such as achieving any laws or queer marriage rights and as such they lack an endpoint. 4) Due to this, aimlessly they work on keeping the lower class queer population hooked on drip-fed charity, their tactics are low intensity to the point of refusing to even use words like gay or transgender while working for these people. NGOs are leading an endless conflict with queer lives. they have no plan for achieving marriage rights or any other rights. Their goal is. Endless. Conflict. Without an end. To secure funding. These institutions can't end the injustices they claim to fight because resolving those injustices would make them extinct. They oppose marriage rights because it is a goal. They cannot have a goal. They can only gesture vaguely at "basic rights" whenever legal marriage rights are brought up. They cannot let you have peace much like war profiteers because your misery is what feeds them. The conservatives are not even their enemies, but simple playmates. ** [https://www.scribd.com/document/1012085981/Bangladeshi-Queer-Manifesto-A-Manifesto-on-Queer-Vigilantism-Updated-Version Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Let's talk about how shallow anticonsumerism rhetoric gets used against marginalized communities. Now, let me preface this saying: images of socialist icons such as Che Guevara are mass produced on merchandises in sweatshops, Soviet Union hats are mass produced and sold in sweatshops— does that mean socialism is inherently a bourgeoisie ideology? Obviously, no, even an idiot knows that. Capitalism subsumes all aesthetics and symbols. This is known. Religious artifacts are mass produced too. Now are all muslims inherently consumerists and bourgeoisie because corporations mass produce products with stars and crescents and ottoman aesthetics and some muslims buy them? Obviously, no, once again! But then, some intellectual morons accuse the lgbt community of being consumerist soft-capitalists (a meaningless term) because sweatshops produce rainbow flags too and some lgbt people buy these mass produced merchandise. They claim they are not against men fucking men but they're against the various “lgbt labels”, because they claim the labels were invented to sell products targeted to these identities, which again is a moronic fucking claim. No, the labels needed to exist because an oppressed group of people who deal with intense illegalization and denial of rights (often even denied from participation in modes of production to even be considered part of the proletariat and thus forced to be lumpen prostitutes and criminals left historically ignored in socialist nations) need a shared identity to build solidarity for each other. Of course capitalism capitalizes on the identity of the homosexual and transgender, it capitalizes on all fucking identities, this does not mean people of these identities thus become “bourgeoise” or that even most people of these identities even buy such merchandise. So to say that a community is bourgeoisie when most of them are poor and they're killed not only in the global south but also in the west is an inhumane fucking thing to do. Let's about transsexuals. Trans people who takes hormones to ease their sense of dysphoria is condemned by these scholarly fuckturds for being “consumerist”, some point out various injustices in the creation of hormonal medicines to condemn it altogether and declare it unnatural. Motherfucker everything from polio vaccines to abortion to the understanding of anatomy has dark histories of abused marginalized people in them. Does this mean you'll reject these technologies that have already been developed? Do you reject medicines for the cold or glasses for your eyes because blind people didn't have access to this technology before and thus it's unnatural to use it now? Secondly, there are trans people, chemists or people with chemical knowledge, who produce their own hormones without buying from corporations. Tell me, are you fine with hormones created without corporate ties or do you think those trans people are “brainwashed” by the “big pharma” as well to sell more “products” and thus are deserving of condemnation? Are you against state produced estrogen and testosterone in socialist nations like Cuba that are beginning to stop fucking over trannies too? Or do you think trannies in socialist countries are brainwashed by the big pharma too? The funniest thing about traditionalists who are pro-natalists trying to frame transgender people as corporate-invention consumers of medicines is that you can frame those cishets as corporate-invention consoomers who are making the act of creating babies a huge part of their identity and in the process are tricked into consoooming more and more resources and are tricked into spending money to uh buy things. Its bullshit, just like framing trans people as slaves of consumer culture is bullshit. But two can play at that game. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Those self-identified "queer grassroot leaders" calling for restrain and secrecy in lgbt activism and decrying people speaking out without consulting them— or general intellectual/politician horde, often identifying themselves as leftists , do not apply actual proper class analysis but remain stuck in playing a form of identity politics. For them, owning private property is not an signifier of class but rather aesthetics are— the openly queer people attempting open nonsecret bold activism become "privileged" not due to ownership of private property or by exploiting others' labor but due to the social conventions they break — due to contradicting these people or being rude to them. Openly queer people are assumed to be rich and thus above the law by them — rather than being openly queer because they have nothing to lose. Class reductionism done right is better than the form of identity politics which they play. In Spivak's essay she asked "can the subaltern speak" and Bangladeshi leftists have turned it into an assertive sentence — the subaltern can not speak— and thus anyone who speaks is not qualified as a subaltern. Openly queer people advocating for legal rights are framed as "privileged" and "doing more harm than good" for the queer collective. Anyone breaking social conventions are framed as individualists and since asking for lgbt rights is breaking social conventions, thus the queer activists are individualists and individualism is a very very very no good bad bad word, saar. However, the downlow queer activists or leaders who call for secrecy and restrain are not promoting active collectivism. They're promoting passive collectivism, passive collectivism which seeks to not make waves but help individuals within the community through charity and access to resources. Which ironically enough can be called a form of individualism itself — queer individuals are getting help through charity— but the system that denies them legal rights collectively is not confronted. For the bourgeoisie, the hierarchy-based society is what grants them power and privilege — and for the proletariat, the hierarchy is the cause of their suffering. Herein lies the contradiction of bourgeois charity — if the goal of charity is to alleviate suffering, then charity must dismantle the hierarchy rather than reinforce it — but that would require the bourgeoisie to act against their class interest — thus bourgeois charity is self-contradictory and can never alleviate suffering in any meaningful way but only exist to reinforce the status quo by being a tool of dominance-assertion for the ruling class which simultaneously frames them as “good people”. And thus passive collectivism is a form of individualism. I could try to argue that I am attempting to mobilisea the community toward collective action as an individual and that even if my actions end up hurting the collective as it always does when lgbt controversy goes viral — that in the long term it will do more good by alleviating systemic oppression and the queer activists now are thinking of short term "good". But that would be rebutted with a simple "ah but you will fail to change legal policies, and so there will only be short term harm without long term good". In this case, I would not have any particular argument to provide in order to moralize my actions. And thus I would simply accept accusations of amorality and privilege as a part of what I am and what I do. I will simply identify myself as a knowingly harmful privileged element. The question is what's next? What can you sniveling fuckwads do after that — beyond having me arrested or killing me? I accept death. I have walked into places as bombs were being thrown. I have walked toward gunfires with nothing but bricks in my hands. I have been beaten and raped as a joke. What can you do to me that has not been done? Mine is the privilege of being Death incarnate. I moralize none of my actions— I ask no pity for what might happen to me. I preach violence for the sake of violence— conflict for the sake of conflict— whether it's sustainable or effective does not matter to me. My complete agency and its negative consequences I fully accept. Cower before my omnipotence and repent. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The problem that is happening now is that these fringe political groups are framing themselves as ordinary people. They are not ordinary people. The ordinary people were here all day. They did nothing. They are not against us. If they make any public statement against us, it will be because of pressure from those political parties — because they have to live here. If they go against the political party, the party has state power. The party will come and demolish their stalls. So the point is that ordinary people are not against us. I was interacting with ordinary people all day. Ordinary people did nothing. The ones who are against us are a few lifeless, subhuman people, people like animals. Their job is to establish fascism. And the fact that they have started this recently — they got this from the West too. In the West as well, there wasn’t much major opposition to transgender people for a long time. After 2016, Ben Shapiro, Michael Walsh — these kinds of Zionists, these Israel-supporting people — started speaking against transgender people. Meanwhile we can see that transgender and gay people in Western countries have united and stood against their aggression, spoken against their imperialism, worked against Israel’s genocide of Palestinian people. There is Queer for Palestine. There are many groups like this. These people in the West carry on their work. But here in Bangladesh, right-wingers like Sarwar Hossain (Sorowar Hossain) — when Trump speaks against transgender people, when Michael Walsh speaks against transgender people, when their driving forces speak against transgender people, they don’t notice that these same people defend Israel. These same people carry out genocide in Palestine, carry out genocide in UNRWA. Then they take the side of these genocidal imperialists and say — "well, since they speak against transgender people, they must be good." ** [https://zahranesque.substack.com/p/how-the-right-wing-decides-who-counts How the Right-Wing Decides Who Counts as Intersex, Trans, or Gay] * Politicians (like Sarjis Alam) often present "conversion therapy" as an answer to lgbt people. This of course is to sate rich parents who worry their children might be lgbt and as a result suffer bigotry. Conversion therapy will of course only be accessible to the rich. Poor people won't be able to afford institutionally torturing their children under guise of therapy. So in the present dynamic in which lower class visibly queer lgbts are funneled into prostitution and rich people who are closeted exploit them — conversion therapy acts as a course correction or safeguard for lgbt people born to rich parents who may rebel against this social dynamic in their youth and come out of closet. Thus conversion "therapy" is used to torture them until they agree to get back to closet and dance to the tune of status quo and be one of those miserable closeted cishet-married middle aged people cheating on their partner— and this therapy/torture is a social symbol of repentance/redemption from their "temporary corruption by the lgbt agenda". Thus conversion therapy is offered to rich parents as an alternative to lgbt rights, and it appeals to them because civil rights for lgbts would apply to all classes — meanwhile conversion therapy is an exclusive "solution" to the rich. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * On a class interest level, the hijra underling and the transgender are not opponents— but the hijra guruma and the transgender are in class conflict and are opponents. Transgenderism introduces an idea of gender deviancy in this region that does not require submission to an authority or leadership figure like the guruma. Because the guruma exploits the underling's money from begging and selling them into sexual contracts (with the client base often extending to India), on an existential level the idea of gender-deviants not flocking together and instead trying to establish their legal rights/ability to perpetuate life outside the hijra system is a threat to gurumas' labor capital. [This does not mean transgenderism without trans rights would end trans people's funneling toward sex work, it would simply either 1) make them their own solicitor or more likely 2) make a pimp who is not the guruma the solicitor, which nonetheless destabilizes their power] Of course there are "good" gurumas, as there are feudal lords who maybe personally a "good" person, but on a systemic level the hijra caste is not sustainable in a way that does not leave the underlings traumatized and exploited. And people who can not think systemically and are hooked on addlepated micro-narratives will be offended at the suggestion. Whereas the Awami League constitutional framing of hijra as an "intersex" identity is ahistorical and many hijra guruma want a form of legal recognition that recognizes it as an identity adjacent profession (in simpler term a caste and their goal being to legally perpetuate this caste due to their benefit incentive), the transgender identity if legally recognized would be so outside this caste system. The hijra legal recognition right now does not really fully benefit even the gurumas as it limits the definition to "intersex" (and only the ones whose genitalia are variant, not the chromosomal or hormone variant ones) so on a legal basis most of them are not covered by it, although the gurumas can still use this to control their commune members by reporting to cops of the ones trying to leave the hijra system without forsaking their gender presentation as "fake hijras", which the legal definition of hijras as intersex would get the hypothetical underling in trouble cause the cops will be checking the underling's genitals rather than the wealth-backed gurumas'. Fuckass libshits will frame this as a colonial individualism (trans) versus traditional collective (hijra) issue, rather than a non-feudal identity versus feudal identity or non-labor-exploitative versus labor-exploitative issue. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * When invisibility and safe space queer people as their life-support embrace: queers who are inherently visible are seen by them as life-threat, risible, deserving of condemnation, scorn, fear. To preserve their cherished “safety” so dear. Lest the masses be reminded that they do indeed exist, much to their dismay. Thus: the girly faggot, the manly dyke, Also the tranny- they come to dislike. And thus they blame their oppression onto those wretches, ones who suffer the most too. That's how we cannibalize each other. And that's the way how brother kills brother. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * There are ones who view trans women as predatory men, and ones who view trans women as privileged past men who lost their privilege and "became" something closer to women. Transphobia is viewed by them as a byproduct of misogyny seeking to subjugate wombyns rather than its own construct used to specifically subjugate and exploit trans people. Thus transitioning and all the violence trans people face associated with transitioning is not for trans people to own but for wombyns to own. This is a framing almost of a criminal who has been captured and disgraced, is to be pitied now for that disgrace, but there may still be in him the qualities that drove him to banditry. The reason I say I'm gay man now is because they view gay men as having power over women and being male privileged. And it is better to be viewed as possessing of more power than less, because the liberals' approach to marginalized communities is not to allocate power, but to remind them that they're powerless and should bow and kneel in accordance. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Liberals preach on about their empathy, they've turned empathy into a weapon — not against oppressors but against the oppressed. Their opposition to homophobia and transphobia is a controlled opposition. They will say you too deserve empathy, that you too are human, that they feel sorrow at your plight — but they're the vultures of sorrow. Their sorrow exists only to assert their humanity, but does not transmute into legal change. Their intention is not legal change nor doing any actual improvement beyond charity for lgbt people— it is to maintain the conditions which creates the necessity for charity. Their empathy is a jackboot. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * More queers in Bangladesh have died from lack of systemic legal recognition and the lack of civil rights than they have died from hate crimes for advocating for their civil rights. Queers die from hate crimes in countries with lgbt friendly laws too. The only difference is Bangladeshis use the deaths of Xulhaz and his partner as the unending sob story and scareshow instead of keeping on fighting. Do I come across as crass? Do I seem disrespectful to the weight of their deaths? Because their deaths have already been made weightless by people who used it as an excuse to give up the fight. Anyway Bangladeshi lgbts who seek to apply for asylum abroad probably have a vested interest in keeping the country's anti-lgbt laws unchanged, just saying. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The problem with queer people is that a lot of them think they're an inherently liberated people.  It’s the notion that queerphobia exists simply as a tool to keep women in their station under patriarchy rather than something that exists to directly exploit queers and keep queers in their station as well. For queers to acknowledge that society has a station for them is to accept that they're not free agents and it scares them. They would prefer imagining that the brothels or the underworld network they inhabit is somehow separated from the status quo, but they're part of the status quo, that is your station. You're not free by choosing not to be in a family, by choosing not to be in a heterosexual relationship. Even the nature of your homosexual relationship is dictated by capital. When you're taking the role of a sugar baby, when you're being a prostitute or concubine, when you're visibly queer but your partner keeps you secret and it reduces your chances of survival — that's all dictated by capital. It's not a coincidence, you don't belong to a parallel power, the underground network isn’t parallel power, your relationships are not a product of a parallel structure, it's part of state and capital, you're not a destabilizing force just by existing, you're still a part of this structure. Your continuous life or mere existence if you're lgbt actually IS NOT a middle finger to the status quo in itself. People say existence is resistance as a fucking cope to compensate for their impotency. Because the ruling class only acts like they want you dead. They actually don't. They want instead for you to suffer perpetually. They want you to exist, but barely, beneath their feet in the social hierarchy, so they can feel like they're above someone else. So they can feel like they're better, so they can continue to exploit you. If your whole community died, if all the marginalized people died, these people wouldn’t know what to do with themselves, they would have to create divides within themselves just to stand on the top of someone else. Your mere existence, such is why, is not revolutionary in itself— until you start doing activities that can directly destabilize their foothold on the pyramid of social hierarchies. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Nothing incurs more disgust and loathing in me more than the term "safe space"— be it for race, religion, women or lgbts. Ritualized and institutionalized cowardice and performative fragility. Fascism comes to Bangladesh under the guise of creating safe spaces. There is no greater joke for Bangladeshi lgbt peoplSpaces the phrase "safe space". You can have no safe space in a nation which laws criminalize you, disallows you from having marriage or civil union rights, disallows your loved one the consent to put you on life support or bury you. Safe space is then a boiling water at best which cooks you and you can not tell because the flames are out of your sight. The only real safety is in the weapon of your hand. You must reject the illusion of safe spaces. You must reject incremental change. It has to be accelerationism on either direction. It's a fucking joke seeing cowardly senior lgbt leaders unironically trying to fearmonger against the idea of lgbts coming out of the closet and demanding legal rights despite knowing how many lgbt people closeted and out of closet were out there in the streets during July already acquainted with the bloodbath and now don't even have any future social or legal security to mentally recover from it or find a sense of normalcy through a domestic life that their straight and cis counterparts have and thus have no reason to fear loss of life or violence. I have stood against people with guns and bombs, what fear do I have against blades? What do I have to look forward to — other than either domesticity or death? "Safe spaces" for liberals to hang out in without any specific goals give them an inert impotent private outlet for their energy that could've been better utilized in disruptive public actions. Due to conservative aggression and taboos they operate on pure superego in public, and in safe spaces as compensation, they revert to pure id. In either spaces their ego is unutilized. As a result, because safe spaces are always compromised, they end up looking that much like clowns when they're exposed in public. Safe spaces are the fascism's carrot to fascism's stick. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Hope can be a shitty thing sometimes. When you're getting kicked in the belly, sometimes it can stop you from hitting back the person kicking you in the hope your passivity will arouse a sense of sympathy in them and make them stop. That hope is the other side of the fear that hitting the person hitting you will make them hit you more. People talk about crippling dread, but hope can be crippling too. There is the sort of despair that snuffs out all your energy and leaves you a living corpse and there is the type that motivates you into action with the intent of going down swinging. Can't escape despair as much as choose which kind to give yourself into. People talk about how the state of the world should "radicalize your rather than lead you to despair" but you can't get radicalized without being chin deep in despair, honestly. The kind of change the world needs right now can only be brought in by a mass movement of suicidal and desperate working class people ready to go down swinging. But we're all dreaming that things might get better. And we won't do the things that need to be done until we give up on that dream. Until we start to truly, properly despair. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Genocides against queers can never be permanent —but only perpetual— because we don't repopulate like ethnic minorities from ancestors to descendants. Unfortunately this also means we will never have a permanent diaspora. You can't ever move all the queers abroad to a comparatively safe zone or whatever because they will just repopulate the next generation. So the only possible option to leave a better world for the future is improving the ground where you stand on. Because you'll never be able to take all your people away. You will never be Moses. All your people will become enslaved once more, the Pharaoh can never let them go. And so you must kill the Pharaoh. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The other day this guy in a seminar was talking about some "Oh the lgbt culture in America was more radical before they got their rights". Were they? Were they? Rich powerful wankers like fucking FBI head J Edgar Hoover and conservative cuck Roy Cohn were bruising the innards of male survival sex workers in secret orgies back then. What, are you gonna pretend abusive rich paypigs aren’t a fundamental part of queer culture when not having rights are forcing our kids into the streets? And you’ve had armed trannies and gays wearing soviet hats organizing the streets now and even the past two decades there. We're just fucking people dude. We'll be shitty people and good people with or without rights — just the lives of lower class ones would be somewhat fucking easier. And we see now too don't we? Awami League has as many queer supporters as fucking Maoist groups have queer people in them. So what the fuck are you talking about, what the fuck homonationalist crap theories are you waving in front of my face? Fuck your theory. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * I've gone at length in my manifesto about how the denial of lgbt marriage rights is killing and putting lgbt people on an early grave systemically. So when our legal rights would require no state funds to be wasted, why are we denied it? Liberals posit that our issues are secondary to anti-imperialism, socialism, feminism and macroeconomics in general —often portraying us as an obstacle to these things even. They condemn the NGO queers, but they never empower the voices of the non-NGO queers. They condemn BAL queers, but never embolden the voices of the queers who fought in the streets in July, supported it intellectually and in the background with resources. They claim queers must remain silent until patriarchy is destroyed and women are at equal standing with men and make no progress in feminism either beyond shallow wins. They claim that queer rights are impossible in a poor country and that queers are all rich while poor queers bear the double burden of class and queerphobia. So the question comes— decades of lgbts prostituting away and dying —and have you managed to make a dent on the American empire? Has socialism been established in your country? Has feminism made strides? Has the economy been bolstered in the absence of lgbt rights as we died like dogs? So, their opposition to queer rights is obviously not rational. And in this irrationality do we find their faith — that if they systemically lavish onto enough of us passive deaths that their cause will be bolstered. As if we are the human sacrifices to the gods of Feminism, Socialism, Economy and Anti-imperialism. No, this is a fine view to have. I'm not critiquing it, merely describing it. So why are their gods not listening to their prayers? I posit this is because queer lives cut short by systemic denial has cheapened our blood and flesh so much that we hold no longer any value as human sacrifices. My suggestion to these leftists and liberals would then be to sacrifice their own family members and children to this cause. Be Agamemnon. Be victorious. And may the knives of the Clytemnestras spare ye. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * In times of economical instability, war, disaster or famine— if a particular community in a war-affected society stops being a concern, if oppressing that particular community by the majority of that society starts becoming fine, if killing its people starts being fine because there are bigger problems, because the majority killing the minority are themselves under threat from a different global superpower — then that minority community was never not killable. Liberals frame lgbt marriage rights as utopian, as a luxury item. Lgbts can fight for legal marriage recognition only after all other problems in the world have been solved according to liberals. Even though the lack of it systemically kills us, even though granting it to us would require spending not a single penny of state funds. And this frames lgbt lives as killable in any context other than an utopia. Because in any context other than an utopia our lives are worthless. The conservatives who want to kill lgbt people both when the economy is unstable and even when the economy is stable are more honest about it. Because their hatred is unconditional. Meanwhile the liberals' allyship is conditional. And unconditional hate is superior to conditional care. There is only gleeful butchering and unambiguous solidarity. And either is fine. But the devil's work is what it is done in the middle of that spectrum. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * "We should care more about changing social values first instead of changing laws that could help the marginalized!" My brother in folly, the only reason you continue to walk on god's green earth is because I want to avoid the legal consequences of killing you with hammers rather than any socially installed values of empathy for people like you. Bangladeshi liberals exhaust me because they identify a problem like child marriage and proceed to say shit like "changing laws has no point, we must dismantle the ideology". No one is going to hear you preach to them. It's not a matter of simple ideology. If a poor family has the option to legally sell their children to a rich man, they will sell their children to a rich man. You need to ban child marriage to make it harder for them to do it. There will still be children slipping through the cracks in the safety net, but your goal is tightening the net, and making sure there's a safety net preventing the marriage at all. You can't simply vaguely gasture at a "dismantling of ideology" one day without taking the most obvious step first. This is a meaningless exercise. We can't stop all of the child marriages but we can stop at least a huge portion of them and we won't take the steps necessary for even that because we have fucking cucked ourselves into uttering buzzwords and phrases like "changing social values is more important than changing laws" without ever actually going anywhere. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * In my opinion, one does not truly believe in a cause if one is not prepared to die for it. I'm willing to and have prepared myself to eventually be killed for being lgbt. Most people who want to deny trans people transition facilities, legal recognition or lgbt people the marriage rights are not prepared to die for the cause of denying those things to us, because after all these things don't really directly impact them much. Nonetheless— their belief-less efforts for lgbtphobic causes, often originating from having the same acceptable opinion as the next person, often originating from an attempt to fit in - manages to cause harm due to the majority of their numbers. This is the most depressing aspect of lgbtphobia, a dispassionate disregard is enough to deny you a family of your own. Hence the dispassionate disregard of the upper middle class and rich must be turned into something else. It must be turned into fear. In fact, since I'm trying my best to get killed, if i end up succeeding in finding death, do not present any rhetorics that ask people to sympathize with me, that'd not jive with my edgelord extremist era. Acknowledge that I've made my decisions in sound mind and move on. I make no appeals to the humanity of inhumans. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * It's not about whether my existence is ethical, it's not about whether I deserve to exist, it's not about whether religion or science justifies my existence— but that I do exist — and I do seek legal recognition for my marriage and for my decriminalization — and if I can not have it I will destroy everything, and that you can not destroy me in any meaningful way because lgbt people will reappear in your homes the next generation and they will follow my example of destruction, and you cannot have peace and security without granting it to us. I lose members of my community to passive systemic violence that results in their demise in lonely deathbeds left unattended by their closeted partners too scared to come out. It's a mad unjust world and the only sane course of action is to return it with the same unjust madness and disregard for innocent lives it has bestowed on my people. The liberals don't give a shit about us and the leftists see our plight as culture war and the climate change will kill us all in two decades and I can't, in the last few years of my life left to me, after all the violence, after all the fights I fought for this country in July, the life risks I took — I can't even experience a moment of sunset with a husband, sit with him in a park for a picnic, hold his hand in public, rest my head on his shoulder— while the libleft cunts tell me marriage doesn't matter and legalization doesn’t matter while they themselves marry and the leftist dickless spineless gutless worms call the lgbt community consumerist or bourgeoise or colonizers of western hegemony — as the feminists act like trans women were part of patriarchy before transitioning as if we weren't put through psychological, physical and sexual torture since childhood for acting feminine when the concepts of masculinity and femininity weren't even distinct to us and thus it is acceptable to mock and deride us as long as done from a feminist talking point — and there is no political organized fight for my kin— why would I not be angry? My anger or madness is not irrational, it's the state of mind I logically decided to arrive on. I trained myself to think of physical pain as a mere emotion that can be not felt in order to deal with the pain of beatings and stone-peltings and other forms of physical abuse. I am an extremely controlled individual. I do not feel anything that I do not want to feel, I do not think anything that I do not want to think, I have decided under cold consideration, that having left no peaceful methods of furthering or acquiring rights for this people, the only option left is violence and death. We are an endless horde. If we are to be monsters before committing you harm, then we shall be monsters afterwards. If we are marked as the destroyers of your civilization as your civilization crushes us — then we shall fulfill your accusing prophecy. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Bigotry will forever exist, you will always hear slurs. You will often need to fight physically. This is unavoidable. The point of legal rights is to give you the slightest chance of survival. Of course it won't solve all your problems. Of course your parents won't say they'll love you forever no matter what like some cheesy Hollywood movie. The point of legal rights is to give you a lifeline to hold as you drown, of course it's not a magical solution to all of your problems. But it needs to exist just for that ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * What I contend with is the burden of agency. The despair in knowing things are not hopeless. I can not say "I must be closeted" or "legal queer rights in Bangladesh are not possible" because I know these things to be false. I know possible are all things that we make them to be. I can not find solace in hopelessness. I can not say "there was nothing I could've done" or "this was beyond my hands" because I know these things to be lies that the powerful also say. If I was murdered or arrested/vanished, my agency properly robbed and I was made truly helpless and incapable of making change— then I could find in my inability to make change some semblance of peace. The self-allowance for rest. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury kkzq6mldeyjolqpe8y5uq17nfd61297 3944796 3944795 2026-05-24T09:24:55Z ~2026-31005-44 3328717 Updated citation 3944796 wikitext text/x-wiki [[wikipedia:Sahara_Chowdhury|Sahara Chowdhury]] (born 2002) is a prominent Bangladeshi transgender July Uprising activist and student who gained national attention for her advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and authoring the [[iarchive:bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury|Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto]]. == Quotes == *For right wingers and moderates, the way the current social system funnels lgbts into coerced prostitution and sexual slavery is not social degeneracy and nor a strike on a sensitive issue— but the marriage rights of lgbt people is social degeneracy and a strike on a sensitive issue, because their purpose and their goal is precisely to keep relationships that do not produce children relegated purely within the domain of exploitative prostitution and temporary flings rather than long term families. Before elaborating on this idea one must point out that all capitalists who benefit from capitalism may not consciously understand that they are stealing the surplus value of labor from the workers. So when we speak of the purpose behind anti-LGBT rhetoric, the question will arise: “Do you really think all homophobes and transphobes calculated all of this? That they carry around this nefarious scheme?” And the answer is the same as it is with capitalists: even if they don’t understand the intricacies of the oppressive system they're benefitting from by exploiting people, their perpetuation of that system still makes them complicit in its injustice. So we arrive at the question: what is the purpose of homophobia and transphobia? There is, of course, the general purpose of all bigotry, to make society as hierarchical as possible so that the working person feels a semblance of control and power by imagining other working class people in a social station beneath him and comes to view his own station beneath capitalists as only a natural product of the world. To make exploitation of the labor of the lower class minority identities easier, such as the enslavement of black people. Or the wage gap between cis women and cis men, and lower yet wages for trans men and trans women. The purpose of bigotry mostly is not genocide, it is exploitation and slavery. And then there is the matter of forcing and coercing population increase, women are after all, womb machines to capitalists to create future workers and soldiers. The job market must be flooded and the supply of workers must exceed the capitalists’ demand that the wage equilibrium reaches ever lower and thus more profit is generated for the capitalists. Thus the infertile cis women are treated with a violence and disregard almost nearing that of society's treatment of transgender women — for neither can give birth. And thus domestic relationships that do not produce children are condemned. But of course, sexual temporary queer relationships are allowed by the system, one which people are systemically prevented from dwelling on. This is not a new phenomenon. A similar dynamic perpetuated under feudalism, often misguidedly glorified as “tolerance.” Yes, same-sex desire was sometimes tolerated but only so under a brutal condition: you had to marry heterosexually and produce legitimate heirs, especially if you had laid claim to divine blood to justify kingship. Your queer desires could be indulged in only with disposable prostitutes and concubines who held no legal or social claim. Hijra people, sometimes celebrated as tax collectors, were in a position akin to Jewish bankers in medieval Europe, funneled into a tokenized role. It was not acceptance, it was ghettoization. This historical arrangement is similar to the status quo we find ourselves trapped in today, where married closeted politicians and businessmen lead double lives, who exploit lower-class LGBT prostitutes in secret while publicly upholding the very laws that make that exploitation possible. And here, we reach our main discussion. To understand it, we must apply a simple theory from cybernetics created by Stafford Beer: “The purpose of a system is what it does.” As he stated, there is "no point in claiming that the purpose of a system is to do what it constantly fails to do.” The purpose of a system is not what its creators or proponents say it does in paper, but what it does in reality. What does the anti-LGBT system do? Does it stop the sexual activities of LGBT people? If it does, how come there is a disproportionately large amount of LGBT prostitutes? What does denying a group of people anti-discrimination laws at educational institutions, workplace, medical institutions do? What does denying them marriage rights do? A child gets bullied for wanting to grow out its hair and look like a girl, it gets beaten by its teachers and classmates, its academic performance suffers. In a world where children are investments for the future of their parents, it is shaping up to be a sunk cost. What of marriage? Marriage is a form of investment into accessing connections, social capital and actual capital for the family. No marriage rights for LGBT people means no benefit to be gained from the child after it grows up on that angle too. So what happens is you pull out of bad investments. The child gets thrown out of home. The child has no access to education and thus no access to jobs. We glorify Hijra communes in our country, yes? Post-colonialists and decolonisers love to do so. The child, now homeless, goes to these hierarchical communes, and what happens when a community living in destitute, with no education nor jobs, has to resort to begging or prostitution, and prostitution pays so much more for the children? What happens when the rich men come down with money in their bags? What happens to the child? It. Gets. Raped. This, to the capitalists, is not a bug, it is the feature of the anti-LGBT system, the very purpose, to create for them an ever-disposable supply of young flesh to abuse. After all, these prostitutes don't make it to a very old age due to medical discrimination. They have no access to institutionally legitimized relationships, so their partner can not consent to life saving surgeries when they're unable to. They often due to the taboo perpetuated by the ruling class are kept secret from society by their partner and when they fall ill, do not even get a visit on their deathbed. And thus the older prostitutes die off to make place for the new ones. Thus keeps on eating ouroboros its tail. But worry not, true believers! Liberals will surely destroy this material exploitation that benefits the ruling class by using cultural terms for transgender people. Surely, calling us marginalized gender instead of transgender will remove the incentive of the ruling class to deny us legal rights! Surely, calling the child prostitute a performer or entertainer instead of a child prostitute will fix the issue they won't even acknowledge to exist there! This system has gone on since the feudalist era. Call us ghetuputro or hijra or koti or whatever you want, at the end of the day the result is the same, LGBTs get funneled into prostitution due to lack of legal rights. I've explained in my manifesto at length how the lack of lgbt marriage rights incentivizes parents to throw out their queer children, funnels these homeless children into prostitution, how it causes lgbt relationships to be short lived and transactional, causes trans people to be abandoned by their cis partners. Causes institutional problems due to lack of relationship acknowledgement. Anyway, while gays are denied marriage rights due to not being reproductive, marriage's endgoal remains to maintain reproduction. Ideologies that are against letting homosexuals legally marry will inevitably allow child marriage and marital rape of cis girls and women and the pederasty and coerced prostitution of queers. Women are treated as reproductive properties. Due to this, rape is less a violation of the victim's body and more a trespassing onto the father's or the husband's property. Under this mindset, marital rape can not exist because the husband is the property owner and cannot trespass his own property, child marriage is acceptable as long as the child can birth babies because that's the condition of marriage being fulfilled. And because un-reproductive bodies are not marriageable, the femboys and trans women become un-rape-able even when they're funneled into prostitution as children and violated and penetrated against consent. By maintaining medical discrimination the ruling class ensures the early deaths of these prostitutes to keep the supply of flesh forever young and maintain the lack of life long formation of attachments. While the first world legalizes Igbt marriage, it utilizes NGOs and liberal intellectuals in the third world to argue against Igbt marriage rights due to depending on the labor of third worlds. As well as incentivizing third world queers to acquiesce to getting human trafficked by sex trafficking rings to first world countries hoping for freedom from bigotry. "But won't homosexual marriage rights reinforce the patriarchal institution of marriage?" I'm glad you asked! But no, it won't. Marriage is patriarchal due to it being designed as a ritual of reproduction. Reproduction legitimizes child marriage as long as the child bride gives birth. It legitimizes marital rape. Because gay relationships do not reproduce, marriage which for lgbts would be a ritual of social acknowledgement- actually subverts patriarchal values. Whereas without marriage, in secrecy lgbt relationships affirm patriarchal assignment of queers within the realm of secret hookups and prostitution. Saying marriage is capitalistic and patriarchal so gays shouldn’t get marriage rights is like saying "the state exists to protect capital so socialists shouldn’t want a socialist state". You people are dumbfucks. The reason the lgbt issue can't be fixed with a similar approach to cis people's issue is because cis people are not mostly comprised of prostitutes and clients, and lgbt people are mostly comprised of prostitutes and clients. So while "most reported sexual violence comes from the family members" applies to cis people, it wouldn’t apply to lgbt people whose suffered violence is coming on a great level from pimps and clients who view them as lesser than family — as well as the abuse of prostitutes generally being underreported and when reported under-documented. Liberals will see all of this, and they'll say "Well, how about you teach parents not to throw their queer children out and teach queers to not abandon their partners". In this, they forego critique of problems created by policies and laws to offer individualist solutions. Instead of changing the policies that cause this. Change the individual they say, because systems are just by individuals, and they ignore mentioning which class of individuals make these rules and laws. Which class of individuals with proclivity to be rapists and pederasts enjoy the benefits of homeless queer children desperate for money. And this is why I don't have any option but violence, because the liberals refuse to be honest. John F. Kennedy was an evil man who committed genocide on communists. But he, in his self-awareness, understood one thing: “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” Whenever feminists mention that women are 50% of the population, they're really making an appeal to utilitarianism for women's rights. Which is fine and well. Minorities, of course, failing to rely on such a percentage, for their rights need to make a different sort of appeal to utilitarianism. The one in which utilitarianism needs to bend to their needs not out of the whims of the majority but rather for the safety of the majority, which must be jeopardised by the minority until the attainment of such goals. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * When in Western countries LGBT people have rights and non-Western countries’ LGBT population demands rights, then we are told, “LGBTs are Western culture,” and when the West takes away the rights of their LGBT communities, we are told, “Even the West doesn’t have LGBT rights, how can it be in Bangladesh?” It is their thought process that is centred around the Western ruling class, not my thought process. Free, free Palestine. Death to America. Death to Israel. The Western ruling class used to segregate black and white people 60 years ago, and enslaved them 200 years ago. Black people earned their rights through struggle and blood. So would any dumbass claim black civil rights is “western hegemony”? So the LGBT rights for which Harvey Milk was murdered, Marsha Johnson and Sylvie Rivera gave their lives for — why is it called western hegemony? Western right-wingers call our rights “cultural marxism,” and certain intellectuals in our country call our rights “ western hegemony”— that’s the extent of their cultural hegemony. Gramsci had mentioned hegemony in relation to the ruling class, as I care not for Western hegemony — neither do I respect Bengali feudalistic theocratic hegemony. Some even call our marriage rights “heteronormative”, which is like calling black people’s rights to vote “whitero-normative”. ** [https://bdfeministarchives.org/2025/08/23/press-conference-statement-of-sahara-chowdhury/ Press Conference Statement of Sahara Chowdhury] * My name is Sahara Chowdhury. I am a trans woman. During the July Uprising, I fought against the despotic Awami regime. As did many LGBT people throughout Bangladesh, such as Priya Khan and Muntasir Rahman, the discriminatory removal of whom from the NCP political party was contributed to by the online doxxing (bullying) done to him by Sorowar. There is a gay man who had been shot during the protest whose case is still in the International Crime Tribunal. Despite the contribution of queer people in the July uprising, people like Mahtab and Sorowar publicly spoke against the government website for even giving the option to register transgender martyrs of the July movement— claiming our dead are unsuitable to share the “holy list” of other cisgender martyrs. To deny potential transgender martyrs of the July genocide the option to be documented is an act of genocide denial. I sought to combat their genocide denial as best as I could. It is in fact quite ridiculous and silly that Sorowar and Mahtab, after committing genocide denial and an active attempt at impeding documentation process regarding July martyrs based on identity politics, after doxxing LGBT people in the country again and again, are choosing to act like internet drawings and memes are the most grievous act of harm done to their personage. I merely whispered in the language they are the grammarians of. It is quite ironic that Sorowar, in a press briefing, wondered, after blaming LGBT people for Western imperialism for years, why he was being blamed for the burning of hijra pollis. I have chosen to file a GD in response to their exaggeration of the situation and attempts to instigate mobs. On 13th August, I was expelled from my university due to posting satirical and polemic cartoons depicting these two public figures, who have previously doxxed (bullied) a transgender worker at Walton simply for being trans. The university did not follow proper due process, did not give me a disciplinary hearing, I was notified of my expulsion through the public notice put out by them, and far as I understand it, the university was acting unconstitutionally in expelling me “for life”. For years, I have faced harassment, rumors, and threats that have more basis in reality than satirical cartoons. When I first came to the university, I was closeted and used the male restroom. After I came out as a trans woman, faculty told me to use the female restroom. Later, the then-VC and then-Registrar said I should use a teacher’s restroom instead. I asked again if I could use the female restroom, and they gave me permission for it. But false accusations sprang up online claiming I used both male and female restrooms whenever I wanted. The truth is, I simply did not drink water during the day to avoid using any restrooms at all. However, the false accusation continued to spread. This was just one part of a bigger smear campaign. Because I was a top student, certain classmates spread rumors that, because I am a trans woman, Western organizations were paying teachers to unethically raise my grades. Even the success of trans people is used against them. In Bangladesh, LGBT activists have been murdered. I have received countless death and rape threats myself. To show I would not hide, I described my daily routine for when I am outside in my social media profile pictures. It was my way of saying, “If you want to attack me, you know where to find me”, that I am not afraid of bigots. After July, in an unofficial student group chat, the students mocked the death of a trans woman named Shila and shared videos of trans women being stabbed. When I spoke against it, they sent me threats of physical violence. I reminded them that my profile picture already shows when I am outside. If they wanted to hurt me, they could find me. They claimed this was me threatening them. I was accused of terrorism, of threatening students, and of endangering others by posting a so-called university bus schedule. In reality, I had only mentioned the time I usually wait near the Tilagor over-bridge for transport. The campus is in Pirabazar. I never said it was the university bus, and I often take a public bus instead. On August 11, I posted satirical drawings of Mohammad Sarwar Hossain and Asif Mahtab Utsho, two men who have openly opposed trans rights. These cartoons were expressions of anger from someone who is and whose community is always under attack. My work was satirical and polemic. Even a few days prior, the intersex individual Porimoni’s shop was vandalized by a mob. That was real terrorism, that was real violence, not satirical cartoons. If my writings are called terrorism, then even Fanon’s Wretched of the Earth would be called terrorism. My works are a symbol of resistance against those genocide deniers who are against our civil rights. ** [https://bdfeministarchives.org/2025/08/23/press-conference-statement-of-sahara-chowdhury/ Press Conference Statement of Sahara Chowdhury] * Reiterating my point once more, there has been a recent research that found the right wing conservative American states with the most amount of anti-transgender laws also have the most amount of searches for transgender pornography. A lot of people found this funny or hypocritical. But really, there is no hypocrisy in this. What is the consequence of anti-transgender laws? The transgender kids get thrown out of home, they can't access education without bullying, they can't get jobs. What's the consequence of that? They turn to prostitution, becoming porn actors, and concubinism. So really, conservatives are simply maintaining their supply chain of vulnerable trans people to abuse. The purpose of a system is what it does, and this is the system they've built. Like I always say, right wingers don't want to eradicate trans people completely, just like they don't want to eradicate cis women or black people. They want trans people in the lower station in the pyramid of hierarchy. They want trans people to live as sex objects without any legal recognition of marriage or institutional recognition and die after being abused and exploited. Eradicating cis women, black people, and trans people would mean right wingers can not exploit them any longer, right wingers just want to deny them legal rights to keep exploiting them. And that's worse. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * It's interesting that like conservatives, liberals too maintain a social hierarchy. Whereas conservatives' social hierarchy is based on who deserves more oppression, the liberal's social hierarchy is based on who deserves more liberation. They cite how "even women don't have all the rights" whenever lgbt rights are brought up. A pyramid of hierarchy for liberals. At which point in the hierarchy do queers reside? There are always bigger issues than our plight before solving which our rights are impossible to acquire so surely this implies a laundry list. Imagine if American liberals began listing off how women — half the population of America — didn’t have all the rights every time the Black people fought for their rights in the civil rights era because after all, black people were merely 10 percent of the population while ignoring the existence of black women. Liberals' approach to lgbt people is for us to assume the role of an unseemly but non-malignant tumor on the body of society rather than being an actual organ. But at the end, non-malignant tumors are cut off just to maintain aesthetics. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Do you know why charities and ngos, even when people at the top weren’t swindling the money for themselves — never substantially improved transgender lives? In the context of Bangladesh where most trans people are funneled into slums and ghettos without marriage rights as prostitutes denied family having to rely on each other to survive? A vulnerable community specifically isolated into a patch of housing environment? Let's say you're a slum lord. And these trans people suddenly get money from charities. You as a slum landlord are not going to let them spend it on themselves. You're going to raise the fucking rent. And it's easy for you to raise the rent specifically for trans people rather than both trans and cis people because the trans people are all huddled into the same living environment. So you see how it is? A community gets specifically targeted charity but it doesn’t do jack because the community is isolated and converged into the same space rather than being allowed to assimilate into society through institutions like marriage. And so the transgender whore still ends up having to sell its body for rent and food, because the house always wins. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Are you familiar with the concept of endless war, son? the defining characteristics are: 1) Unclear objectives: goals are vague (as in "defeating terrorism") rather than specific measurable targets. 2) Inability to win: a lack of capacity to achieve stated aims, yet no risk of outright defeat. 3) Lack of exit strategy: no defined endpoint or plan for withdrawal. 4) Protracted nature: lasts for years or decades with ongoing low-intensity engagement. Endless wars are by design endless and exist to generate profit for capitalists through perpetual conflict. Often we've seen how the enemy fought by the imperialistic American military is funded by American government itself. Terrorists are not even their enemies but simple playmates. Now scale these geopolitical conflicts down. Think about how NGO queer leaders work in Bangladesh. 1) They have no objectives, their goal is never to win any legal rights or changing policies. 2) They themselves are defeatist and always act like they're on the losing side and yet not perish, they can not win and nor can they lose. 3) They have no goals such as achieving any laws or queer marriage rights and as such they lack an endpoint. 4) Due to this, aimlessly they work on keeping the lower class queer population hooked on drip-fed charity, their tactics are low intensity to the point of refusing to even use words like gay or transgender while working for these people. NGOs are leading an endless conflict with queer lives. they have no plan for achieving marriage rights or any other rights. Their goal is. Endless. Conflict. Without an end. To secure funding. These institutions can't end the injustices they claim to fight because resolving those injustices would make them extinct. They oppose marriage rights because it is a goal. They cannot have a goal. They can only gesture vaguely at "basic rights" whenever legal marriage rights are brought up. They cannot let you have peace much like war profiteers because your misery is what feeds them. The conservatives are not even their enemies, but simple playmates. ** [https://www.scribd.com/document/1012085981/Bangladeshi-Queer-Manifesto-A-Manifesto-on-Queer-Vigilantism-Updated-Version Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Let's talk about how shallow anticonsumerism rhetoric gets used against marginalized communities. Now, let me preface this saying: images of socialist icons such as Che Guevara are mass produced on merchandises in sweatshops, Soviet Union hats are mass produced and sold in sweatshops— does that mean socialism is inherently a bourgeoisie ideology? Obviously, no, even an idiot knows that. Capitalism subsumes all aesthetics and symbols. This is known. Religious artifacts are mass produced too. Now are all muslims inherently consumerists and bourgeoisie because corporations mass produce products with stars and crescents and ottoman aesthetics and some muslims buy them? Obviously, no, once again! But then, some intellectual morons accuse the lgbt community of being consumerist soft-capitalists (a meaningless term) because sweatshops produce rainbow flags too and some lgbt people buy these mass produced merchandise. They claim they are not against men fucking men but they're against the various “lgbt labels”, because they claim the labels were invented to sell products targeted to these identities, which again is a moronic fucking claim. No, the labels needed to exist because an oppressed group of people who deal with intense illegalization and denial of rights (often even denied from participation in modes of production to even be considered part of the proletariat and thus forced to be lumpen prostitutes and criminals left historically ignored in socialist nations) need a shared identity to build solidarity for each other. Of course capitalism capitalizes on the identity of the homosexual and transgender, it capitalizes on all fucking identities, this does not mean people of these identities thus become “bourgeoise” or that even most people of these identities even buy such merchandise. So to say that a community is bourgeoisie when most of them are poor and they're killed not only in the global south but also in the west is an inhumane fucking thing to do. Let's about transsexuals. Trans people who takes hormones to ease their sense of dysphoria is condemned by these scholarly fuckturds for being “consumerist”, some point out various injustices in the creation of hormonal medicines to condemn it altogether and declare it unnatural. Motherfucker everything from polio vaccines to abortion to the understanding of anatomy has dark histories of abused marginalized people in them. Does this mean you'll reject these technologies that have already been developed? Do you reject medicines for the cold or glasses for your eyes because blind people didn't have access to this technology before and thus it's unnatural to use it now? Secondly, there are trans people, chemists or people with chemical knowledge, who produce their own hormones without buying from corporations. Tell me, are you fine with hormones created without corporate ties or do you think those trans people are “brainwashed” by the “big pharma” as well to sell more “products” and thus are deserving of condemnation? Are you against state produced estrogen and testosterone in socialist nations like Cuba that are beginning to stop fucking over trannies too? Or do you think trannies in socialist countries are brainwashed by the big pharma too? The funniest thing about traditionalists who are pro-natalists trying to frame transgender people as corporate-invention consumers of medicines is that you can frame those cishets as corporate-invention consoomers who are making the act of creating babies a huge part of their identity and in the process are tricked into consoooming more and more resources and are tricked into spending money to uh buy things. Its bullshit, just like framing trans people as slaves of consumer culture is bullshit. But two can play at that game. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Those self-identified "queer grassroot leaders" calling for restrain and secrecy in lgbt activism and decrying people speaking out without consulting them— or general intellectual/politician horde, often identifying themselves as leftists , do not apply actual proper class analysis but remain stuck in playing a form of identity politics. For them, owning private property is not an signifier of class but rather aesthetics are— the openly queer people attempting open nonsecret bold activism become "privileged" not due to ownership of private property or by exploiting others' labor but due to the social conventions they break — due to contradicting these people or being rude to them. Openly queer people are assumed to be rich and thus above the law by them — rather than being openly queer because they have nothing to lose. Class reductionism done right is better than the form of identity politics which they play. In Spivak's essay she asked "can the subaltern speak" and Bangladeshi leftists have turned it into an assertive sentence — the subaltern can not speak— and thus anyone who speaks is not qualified as a subaltern. Openly queer people advocating for legal rights are framed as "privileged" and "doing more harm than good" for the queer collective. Anyone breaking social conventions are framed as individualists and since asking for lgbt rights is breaking social conventions, thus the queer activists are individualists and individualism is a very very very no good bad bad word, saar. However, the downlow queer activists or leaders who call for secrecy and restrain are not promoting active collectivism. They're promoting passive collectivism, passive collectivism which seeks to not make waves but help individuals within the community through charity and access to resources. Which ironically enough can be called a form of individualism itself — queer individuals are getting help through charity— but the system that denies them legal rights collectively is not confronted. For the bourgeoisie, the hierarchy-based society is what grants them power and privilege — and for the proletariat, the hierarchy is the cause of their suffering. Herein lies the contradiction of bourgeois charity — if the goal of charity is to alleviate suffering, then charity must dismantle the hierarchy rather than reinforce it — but that would require the bourgeoisie to act against their class interest — thus bourgeois charity is self-contradictory and can never alleviate suffering in any meaningful way but only exist to reinforce the status quo by being a tool of dominance-assertion for the ruling class which simultaneously frames them as “good people”. And thus passive collectivism is a form of individualism. I could try to argue that I am attempting to mobilisea the community toward collective action as an individual and that even if my actions end up hurting the collective as it always does when lgbt controversy goes viral — that in the long term it will do more good by alleviating systemic oppression and the queer activists now are thinking of short term "good". But that would be rebutted with a simple "ah but you will fail to change legal policies, and so there will only be short term harm without long term good". In this case, I would not have any particular argument to provide in order to moralize my actions. And thus I would simply accept accusations of amorality and privilege as a part of what I am and what I do. I will simply identify myself as a knowingly harmful privileged element. The question is what's next? What can you sniveling fuckwads do after that — beyond having me arrested or killing me? I accept death. I have walked into places as bombs were being thrown. I have walked toward gunfires with nothing but bricks in my hands. I have been beaten and raped as a joke. What can you do to me that has not been done? Mine is the privilege of being Death incarnate. I moralize none of my actions— I ask no pity for what might happen to me. I preach violence for the sake of violence— conflict for the sake of conflict— whether it's sustainable or effective does not matter to me. My complete agency and its negative consequences I fully accept. Cower before my omnipotence and repent. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The problem that is happening now is that these fringe political groups are framing themselves as ordinary people. They are not ordinary people. The ordinary people were here all day. They did nothing. They are not against us. If they make any public statement against us, it will be because of pressure from those political parties — because they have to live here. If they go against the political party, the party has state power. The party will come and demolish their stalls. So the point is that ordinary people are not against us. I was interacting with ordinary people all day. Ordinary people did nothing. The ones who are against us are a few lifeless, subhuman people, people like animals. Their job is to establish fascism. And the fact that they have started this recently — they got this from the West too. In the West as well, there wasn’t much major opposition to transgender people for a long time. After 2016, Ben Shapiro, Michael Walsh — these kinds of Zionists, these Israel-supporting people — started speaking against transgender people. Meanwhile we can see that transgender and gay people in Western countries have united and stood against their aggression, spoken against their imperialism, worked against Israel’s genocide of Palestinian people. There is Queer for Palestine. There are many groups like this. These people in the West carry on their work. But here in Bangladesh, right-wingers like Sarwar Hossain (Sorowar Hossain) — when Trump speaks against transgender people, when Michael Walsh speaks against transgender people, when their driving forces speak against transgender people, they don’t notice that these same people defend Israel. These same people carry out genocide in Palestine, carry out genocide in UNRWA. Then they take the side of these genocidal imperialists and say — "well, since they speak against transgender people, they must be good." ** [https://zahranesque.substack.com/p/how-the-right-wing-decides-who-counts How the Right-Wing Decides Who Counts as Intersex, Trans, or Gay] * Politicians (like Sarjis Alam) often present "conversion therapy" as an answer to lgbt people. This of course is to sate rich parents who worry their children might be lgbt and as a result suffer bigotry. Conversion therapy will of course only be accessible to the rich. Poor people won't be able to afford institutionally torturing their children under guise of therapy. So in the present dynamic in which lower class visibly queer lgbts are funneled into prostitution and rich people who are closeted exploit them — conversion therapy acts as a course correction or safeguard for lgbt people born to rich parents who may rebel against this social dynamic in their youth and come out of closet. Thus conversion "therapy" is used to torture them until they agree to get back to closet and dance to the tune of status quo and be one of those miserable closeted cishet-married middle aged people cheating on their partner— and this therapy/torture is a social symbol of repentance/redemption from their "temporary corruption by the lgbt agenda". Thus conversion therapy is offered to rich parents as an alternative to lgbt rights, and it appeals to them because civil rights for lgbts would apply to all classes — meanwhile conversion therapy is an exclusive "solution" to the rich. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * On a class interest level, the hijra underling and the transgender are not opponents— but the hijra guruma and the transgender are in class conflict and are opponents. Transgenderism introduces an idea of gender deviancy in this region that does not require submission to an authority or leadership figure like the guruma. Because the guruma exploits the underling's money from begging and selling them into sexual contracts (with the client base often extending to India), on an existential level the idea of gender-deviants not flocking together and instead trying to establish their legal rights/ability to perpetuate life outside the hijra system is a threat to gurumas' labor capital. [This does not mean transgenderism without trans rights would end trans people's funneling toward sex work, it would simply either 1) make them their own solicitor or more likely 2) make a pimp who is not the guruma the solicitor, which nonetheless destabilizes their power] Of course there are "good" gurumas, as there are feudal lords who maybe personally a "good" person, but on a systemic level the hijra caste is not sustainable in a way that does not leave the underlings traumatized and exploited. And people who can not think systemically and are hooked on addlepated micro-narratives will be offended at the suggestion. Whereas the Awami League constitutional framing of hijra as an "intersex" identity is ahistorical and many hijra guruma want a form of legal recognition that recognizes it as an identity adjacent profession (in simpler term a caste and their goal being to legally perpetuate this caste due to their benefit incentive), the transgender identity if legally recognized would be so outside this caste system. The hijra legal recognition right now does not really fully benefit even the gurumas as it limits the definition to "intersex" (and only the ones whose genitalia are variant, not the chromosomal or hormone variant ones) so on a legal basis most of them are not covered by it, although the gurumas can still use this to control their commune members by reporting to cops of the ones trying to leave the hijra system without forsaking their gender presentation as "fake hijras", which the legal definition of hijras as intersex would get the hypothetical underling in trouble cause the cops will be checking the underling's genitals rather than the wealth-backed gurumas'. Fuckass libshits will frame this as a colonial individualism (trans) versus traditional collective (hijra) issue, rather than a non-feudal identity versus feudal identity or non-labor-exploitative versus labor-exploitative issue. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * When invisibility and safe space queer people as their life-support embrace: queers who are inherently visible are seen by them as life-threat, risible, deserving of condemnation, scorn, fear. To preserve their cherished “safety” so dear. Lest the masses be reminded that they do indeed exist, much to their dismay. Thus: the girly faggot, the manly dyke, Also the tranny- they come to dislike. And thus they blame their oppression onto those wretches, ones who suffer the most too. That's how we cannibalize each other. And that's the way how brother kills brother. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * There are ones who view trans women as predatory men, and ones who view trans women as privileged past men who lost their privilege and "became" something closer to women. Transphobia is viewed by them as a byproduct of misogyny seeking to subjugate wombyns rather than its own construct used to specifically subjugate and exploit trans people. Thus transitioning and all the violence trans people face associated with transitioning is not for trans people to own but for wombyns to own. This is a framing almost of a criminal who has been captured and disgraced, is to be pitied now for that disgrace, but there may still be in him the qualities that drove him to banditry. The reason I say I'm gay man now is because they view gay men as having power over women and being male privileged. And it is better to be viewed as possessing of more power than less, because the liberals' approach to marginalized communities is not to allocate power, but to remind them that they're powerless and should bow and kneel in accordance. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Liberals preach on about their empathy, they've turned empathy into a weapon — not against oppressors but against the oppressed. Their opposition to homophobia and transphobia is a controlled opposition. They will say you too deserve empathy, that you too are human, that they feel sorrow at your plight — but they're the vultures of sorrow. Their sorrow exists only to assert their humanity, but does not transmute into legal change. Their intention is not legal change nor doing any actual improvement beyond charity for lgbt people— it is to maintain the conditions which creates the necessity for charity. Their empathy is a jackboot. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * More queers in Bangladesh have died from lack of systemic legal recognition and the lack of civil rights than they have died from hate crimes for advocating for their civil rights. Queers die from hate crimes in countries with lgbt friendly laws too. The only difference is Bangladeshis use the deaths of Xulhaz and his partner as the unending sob story and scareshow instead of keeping on fighting. Do I come across as crass? Do I seem disrespectful to the weight of their deaths? Because their deaths have already been made weightless by people who used it as an excuse to give up the fight. Anyway Bangladeshi lgbts who seek to apply for asylum abroad probably have a vested interest in keeping the country's anti-lgbt laws unchanged, just saying. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The problem with queer people is that a lot of them think they're an inherently liberated people.  It’s the notion that queerphobia exists simply as a tool to keep women in their station under patriarchy rather than something that exists to directly exploit queers and keep queers in their station as well. For queers to acknowledge that society has a station for them is to accept that they're not free agents and it scares them. They would prefer imagining that the brothels or the underworld network they inhabit is somehow separated from the status quo, but they're part of the status quo, that is your station. You're not free by choosing not to be in a family, by choosing not to be in a heterosexual relationship. Even the nature of your homosexual relationship is dictated by capital. When you're taking the role of a sugar baby, when you're being a prostitute or concubine, when you're visibly queer but your partner keeps you secret and it reduces your chances of survival — that's all dictated by capital. It's not a coincidence, you don't belong to a parallel power, the underground network isn’t parallel power, your relationships are not a product of a parallel structure, it's part of state and capital, you're not a destabilizing force just by existing, you're still a part of this structure. Your continuous life or mere existence if you're lgbt actually IS NOT a middle finger to the status quo in itself. People say existence is resistance as a fucking cope to compensate for their impotency. Because the ruling class only acts like they want you dead. They actually don't. They want instead for you to suffer perpetually. They want you to exist, but barely, beneath their feet in the social hierarchy, so they can feel like they're above someone else. So they can feel like they're better, so they can continue to exploit you. If your whole community died, if all the marginalized people died, these people wouldn’t know what to do with themselves, they would have to create divides within themselves just to stand on the top of someone else. Your mere existence, such is why, is not revolutionary in itself— until you start doing activities that can directly destabilize their foothold on the pyramid of social hierarchies. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Nothing incurs more disgust and loathing in me more than the term "safe space"— be it for race, religion, women or lgbts. Ritualized and institutionalized cowardice and performative fragility. Fascism comes to Bangladesh under the guise of creating safe spaces. There is no greater joke for Bangladeshi lgbt peoplSpaces the phrase "safe space". You can have no safe space in a nation which laws criminalize you, disallows you from having marriage or civil union rights, disallows your loved one the consent to put you on life support or bury you. Safe space is then a boiling water at best which cooks you and you can not tell because the flames are out of your sight. The only real safety is in the weapon of your hand. You must reject the illusion of safe spaces. You must reject incremental change. It has to be accelerationism on either direction. It's a fucking joke seeing cowardly senior lgbt leaders unironically trying to fearmonger against the idea of lgbts coming out of the closet and demanding legal rights despite knowing how many lgbt people closeted and out of closet were out there in the streets during July already acquainted with the bloodbath and now don't even have any future social or legal security to mentally recover from it or find a sense of normalcy through a domestic life that their straight and cis counterparts have and thus have no reason to fear loss of life or violence. I have stood against people with guns and bombs, what fear do I have against blades? What do I have to look forward to — other than either domesticity or death? "Safe spaces" for liberals to hang out in without any specific goals give them an inert impotent private outlet for their energy that could've been better utilized in disruptive public actions. Due to conservative aggression and taboos they operate on pure superego in public, and in safe spaces as compensation, they revert to pure id. In either spaces their ego is unutilized. As a result, because safe spaces are always compromised, they end up looking that much like clowns when they're exposed in public. Safe spaces are the fascism's carrot to fascism's stick. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Hope can be a shitty thing sometimes. When you're getting kicked in the belly, sometimes it can stop you from hitting back the person kicking you in the hope your passivity will arouse a sense of sympathy in them and make them stop. That hope is the other side of the fear that hitting the person hitting you will make them hit you more. People talk about crippling dread, but hope can be crippling too. There is the sort of despair that snuffs out all your energy and leaves you a living corpse and there is the type that motivates you into action with the intent of going down swinging. Can't escape despair as much as choose which kind to give yourself into. People talk about how the state of the world should "radicalize your rather than lead you to despair" but you can't get radicalized without being chin deep in despair, honestly. The kind of change the world needs right now can only be brought in by a mass movement of suicidal and desperate working class people ready to go down swinging. But we're all dreaming that things might get better. And we won't do the things that need to be done until we give up on that dream. Until we start to truly, properly despair. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Genocides against queers can never be permanent —but only perpetual— because we don't repopulate like ethnic minorities from ancestors to descendants. Unfortunately this also means we will never have a permanent diaspora. You can't ever move all the queers abroad to a comparatively safe zone or whatever because they will just repopulate the next generation. So the only possible option to leave a better world for the future is improving the ground where you stand on. Because you'll never be able to take all your people away. You will never be Moses. All your people will become enslaved once more, the Pharaoh can never let them go. And so you must kill the Pharaoh. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The other day this guy in a seminar was talking about some "Oh the lgbt culture in America was more radical before they got their rights". Were they? Were they? Rich powerful wankers like fucking FBI head J Edgar Hoover and conservative cuck Roy Cohn were bruising the innards of male survival sex workers in secret orgies back then. What, are you gonna pretend abusive rich paypigs aren’t a fundamental part of queer culture when not having rights are forcing our kids into the streets? And you’ve had armed trannies and gays wearing soviet hats organizing the streets now and even the past two decades there. We're just fucking people dude. We'll be shitty people and good people with or without rights — just the lives of lower class ones would be somewhat fucking easier. And we see now too don't we? Awami League has as many queer supporters as fucking Maoist groups have queer people in them. So what the fuck are you talking about, what the fuck homonationalist crap theories are you waving in front of my face? Fuck your theory. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * I've gone at length in my manifesto about how the denial of lgbt marriage rights is killing and putting lgbt people on an early grave systemically. So when our legal rights would require no state funds to be wasted, why are we denied it? Liberals posit that our issues are secondary to anti-imperialism, socialism, feminism and macroeconomics in general —often portraying us as an obstacle to these things even. They condemn the NGO queers, but they never empower the voices of the non-NGO queers. They condemn BAL queers, but never embolden the voices of the queers who fought in the streets in July, supported it intellectually and in the background with resources. They claim queers must remain silent until patriarchy is destroyed and women are at equal standing with men and make no progress in feminism either beyond shallow wins. They claim that queer rights are impossible in a poor country and that queers are all rich while poor queers bear the double burden of class and queerphobia. So the question comes— decades of lgbts prostituting away and dying —and have you managed to make a dent on the American empire? Has socialism been established in your country? Has feminism made strides? Has the economy been bolstered in the absence of lgbt rights as we died like dogs? So, their opposition to queer rights is obviously not rational. And in this irrationality do we find their faith — that if they systemically lavish onto enough of us passive deaths that their cause will be bolstered. As if we are the human sacrifices to the gods of Feminism, Socialism, Economy and Anti-imperialism. No, this is a fine view to have. I'm not critiquing it, merely describing it. So why are their gods not listening to their prayers? I posit this is because queer lives cut short by systemic denial has cheapened our blood and flesh so much that we hold no longer any value as human sacrifices. My suggestion to these leftists and liberals would then be to sacrifice their own family members and children to this cause. Be Agamemnon. Be victorious. And may the knives of the Clytemnestras spare ye. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * In times of economical instability, war, disaster or famine— if a particular community in a war-affected society stops being a concern, if oppressing that particular community by the majority of that society starts becoming fine, if killing its people starts being fine because there are bigger problems, because the majority killing the minority are themselves under threat from a different global superpower — then that minority community was never not killable. Liberals frame lgbt marriage rights as utopian, as a luxury item. Lgbts can fight for legal marriage recognition only after all other problems in the world have been solved according to liberals. Even though the lack of it systemically kills us, even though granting it to us would require spending not a single penny of state funds. And this frames lgbt lives as killable in any context other than an utopia. Because in any context other than an utopia our lives are worthless. The conservatives who want to kill lgbt people both when the economy is unstable and even when the economy is stable are more honest about it. Because their hatred is unconditional. Meanwhile the liberals' allyship is conditional. And unconditional hate is superior to conditional care. There is only gleeful butchering and unambiguous solidarity. And either is fine. But the devil's work is what it is done in the middle of that spectrum. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * "We should care more about changing social values first instead of changing laws that could help the marginalized!" My brother in folly, the only reason you continue to walk on god's green earth is because I want to avoid the legal consequences of killing you with hammers rather than any socially installed values of empathy for people like you. Bangladeshi liberals exhaust me because they identify a problem like child marriage and proceed to say shit like "changing laws has no point, we must dismantle the ideology". No one is going to hear you preach to them. It's not a matter of simple ideology. If a poor family has the option to legally sell their children to a rich man, they will sell their children to a rich man. You need to ban child marriage to make it harder for them to do it. There will still be children slipping through the cracks in the safety net, but your goal is tightening the net, and making sure there's a safety net preventing the marriage at all. You can't simply vaguely gasture at a "dismantling of ideology" one day without taking the most obvious step first. This is a meaningless exercise. We can't stop all of the child marriages but we can stop at least a huge portion of them and we won't take the steps necessary for even that because we have fucking cucked ourselves into uttering buzzwords and phrases like "changing social values is more important than changing laws" without ever actually going anywhere. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * In my opinion, one does not truly believe in a cause if one is not prepared to die for it. I'm willing to and have prepared myself to eventually be killed for being lgbt. Most people who want to deny trans people transition facilities, legal recognition or lgbt people the marriage rights are not prepared to die for the cause of denying those things to us, because after all these things don't really directly impact them much. Nonetheless— their belief-less efforts for lgbtphobic causes, often originating from having the same acceptable opinion as the next person, often originating from an attempt to fit in - manages to cause harm due to the majority of their numbers. This is the most depressing aspect of lgbtphobia, a dispassionate disregard is enough to deny you a family of your own. Hence the dispassionate disregard of the upper middle class and rich must be turned into something else. It must be turned into fear. In fact, since I'm trying my best to get killed, if i end up succeeding in finding death, do not present any rhetorics that ask people to sympathize with me, that'd not jive with my edgelord extremist era. Acknowledge that I've made my decisions in sound mind and move on. I make no appeals to the humanity of inhumans. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * It's not about whether my existence is ethical, it's not about whether I deserve to exist, it's not about whether religion or science justifies my existence— but that I do exist — and I do seek legal recognition for my marriage and for my decriminalization — and if I can not have it I will destroy everything, and that you can not destroy me in any meaningful way because lgbt people will reappear in your homes the next generation and they will follow my example of destruction, and you cannot have peace and security without granting it to us. I lose members of my community to passive systemic violence that results in their demise in lonely deathbeds left unattended by their closeted partners too scared to come out. It's a mad unjust world and the only sane course of action is to return it with the same unjust madness and disregard for innocent lives it has bestowed on my people. The liberals don't give a shit about us and the leftists see our plight as culture war and the climate change will kill us all in two decades and I can't, in the last few years of my life left to me, after all the violence, after all the fights I fought for this country in July, the life risks I took — I can't even experience a moment of sunset with a husband, sit with him in a park for a picnic, hold his hand in public, rest my head on his shoulder— while the libleft cunts tell me marriage doesn't matter and legalization doesn’t matter while they themselves marry and the leftist dickless spineless gutless worms call the lgbt community consumerist or bourgeoise or colonizers of western hegemony — as the feminists act like trans women were part of patriarchy before transitioning as if we weren't put through psychological, physical and sexual torture since childhood for acting feminine when the concepts of masculinity and femininity weren't even distinct to us and thus it is acceptable to mock and deride us as long as done from a feminist talking point — and there is no political organized fight for my kin— why would I not be angry? My anger or madness is not irrational, it's the state of mind I logically decided to arrive on. I trained myself to think of physical pain as a mere emotion that can be not felt in order to deal with the pain of beatings and stone-peltings and other forms of physical abuse. I am an extremely controlled individual. I do not feel anything that I do not want to feel, I do not think anything that I do not want to think, I have decided under cold consideration, that having left no peaceful methods of furthering or acquiring rights for this people, the only option left is violence and death. We are an endless horde. If we are to be monsters before committing you harm, then we shall be monsters afterwards. If we are marked as the destroyers of your civilization as your civilization crushes us — then we shall fulfill your accusing prophecy. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Bigotry will forever exist, you will always hear slurs. You will often need to fight physically. This is unavoidable. The point of legal rights is to give you the slightest chance of survival. Of course it won't solve all your problems. Of course your parents won't say they'll love you forever no matter what like some cheesy Hollywood movie. The point of legal rights is to give you a lifeline to hold as you drown, of course it's not a magical solution to all of your problems. But it needs to exist just for that ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * What I contend with is the burden of agency. The despair in knowing things are not hopeless. I can not say "I must be closeted" or "legal queer rights in Bangladesh are not possible" because I know these things to be false. I know possible are all things that we make them to be. I can not find solace in hopelessness. I can not say "there was nothing I could've done" or "this was beyond my hands" because I know these things to be lies that the powerful also say. If I was murdered or arrested/vanished, my agency properly robbed and I was made truly helpless and incapable of making change— then I could find in my inability to make change some semblance of peace. The self-allowance for rest. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury 7vj4u5gfzzwd3epq8nl98gbvqrmeixz 3944807 3944796 2026-05-24T11:01:43Z ~2026-30918-80 3328777 3944807 wikitext text/x-wiki [[wikipedia:Sahara_Chowdhury|Sahara Chowdhury]] (born 2002) is a prominent Bangladeshi transgender July Uprising activist and student who gained national attention for her advocacy for LGBTQ+ rights and authoring the [[iarchive:bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury|Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto]]. == Quotes == *For right wingers and moderates, the way the current social system funnels lgbts into coerced prostitution and sexual slavery is not social degeneracy and nor a strike on a sensitive issue— but the marriage rights of lgbt people is social degeneracy and a strike on a sensitive issue, because their purpose and their goal is precisely to keep relationships that do not produce children relegated purely within the domain of exploitative prostitution and temporary flings rather than long term families. Before elaborating on this idea one must point out that all capitalists who benefit from capitalism may not consciously understand that they are stealing the surplus value of labor from the workers. So when we speak of the purpose behind anti-LGBT rhetoric, the question will arise: “Do you really think all homophobes and transphobes calculated all of this? That they carry around this nefarious scheme?” And the answer is the same as it is with capitalists: even if they don’t understand the intricacies of the oppressive system they're benefitting from by exploiting people, their perpetuation of that system still makes them complicit in its injustice. So we arrive at the question: what is the purpose of homophobia and transphobia? There is, of course, the general purpose of all bigotry, to make society as hierarchical as possible so that the working person feels a semblance of control and power by imagining other working class people in a social station beneath him and comes to view his own station beneath capitalists as only a natural product of the world. To make exploitation of the labor of the lower class minority identities easier, such as the enslavement of black people. Or the wage gap between cis women and cis men, and lower yet wages for trans men and trans women. The purpose of bigotry mostly is not genocide, it is exploitation and slavery. And then there is the matter of forcing and coercing population increase, women are after all, womb machines to capitalists to create future workers and soldiers. The job market must be flooded and the supply of workers must exceed the capitalists’ demand that the wage equilibrium reaches ever lower and thus more profit is generated for the capitalists. Thus the infertile cis women are treated with a violence and disregard almost nearing that of society's treatment of transgender women — for neither can give birth. And thus domestic relationships that do not produce children are condemned. But of course, sexual temporary queer relationships are allowed by the system, one which people are systemically prevented from dwelling on. This is not a new phenomenon. A similar dynamic perpetuated under feudalism, often misguidedly glorified as “tolerance.” Yes, same-sex desire was sometimes tolerated but only so under a brutal condition: you had to marry heterosexually and produce legitimate heirs, especially if you had laid claim to divine blood to justify kingship. Your queer desires could be indulged in only with disposable prostitutes and concubines who held no legal or social claim. Hijra people, sometimes celebrated as tax collectors, were in a position akin to Jewish bankers in medieval Europe, funneled into a tokenized role. It was not acceptance, it was ghettoization. This historical arrangement is similar to the status quo we find ourselves trapped in today, where married closeted politicians and businessmen lead double lives, who exploit lower-class LGBT prostitutes in secret while publicly upholding the very laws that make that exploitation possible. And here, we reach our main discussion. To understand it, we must apply a simple theory from cybernetics created by Stafford Beer: “The purpose of a system is what it does.” As he stated, there is "no point in claiming that the purpose of a system is to do what it constantly fails to do.” The purpose of a system is not what its creators or proponents say it does in paper, but what it does in reality. What does the anti-LGBT system do? Does it stop the sexual activities of LGBT people? If it does, how come there is a disproportionately large amount of LGBT prostitutes? What does denying a group of people anti-discrimination laws at educational institutions, workplace, medical institutions do? What does denying them marriage rights do? A child gets bullied for wanting to grow out its hair and look like a girl, it gets beaten by its teachers and classmates, its academic performance suffers. In a world where children are investments for the future of their parents, it is shaping up to be a sunk cost. What of marriage? Marriage is a form of investment into accessing connections, social capital and actual capital for the family. No marriage rights for LGBT people means no benefit to be gained from the child after it grows up on that angle too. So what happens is you pull out of bad investments. The child gets thrown out of home. The child has no access to education and thus no access to jobs. We glorify Hijra communes in our country, yes? Post-colonialists and decolonisers love to do so. The child, now homeless, goes to these hierarchical communes, and what happens when a community living in destitute, with no education nor jobs, has to resort to begging or prostitution, and prostitution pays so much more for the children? What happens when the rich men come down with money in their bags? What happens to the child? It. Gets. Raped. This, to the capitalists, is not a bug, it is the feature of the anti-LGBT system, the very purpose, to create for them an ever-disposable supply of young flesh to abuse. After all, these prostitutes don't make it to a very old age due to medical discrimination. They have no access to institutionally legitimized relationships, so their partner can not consent to life saving surgeries when they're unable to. They often due to the taboo perpetuated by the ruling class are kept secret from society by their partner and when they fall ill, do not even get a visit on their deathbed. And thus the older prostitutes die off to make place for the new ones. Thus keeps on eating ouroboros its tail. But worry not, true believers! Liberals will surely destroy this material exploitation that benefits the ruling class by using cultural terms for transgender people. Surely, calling us marginalized gender instead of transgender will remove the incentive of the ruling class to deny us legal rights! Surely, calling the child prostitute a performer or entertainer instead of a child prostitute will fix the issue they won't even acknowledge to exist there! This system has gone on since the feudalist era. Call us ghetuputro or hijra or koti or whatever you want, at the end of the day the result is the same, LGBTs get funneled into prostitution due to lack of legal rights. I've explained in my manifesto at length how the lack of lgbt marriage rights incentivizes parents to throw out their queer children, funnels these homeless children into prostitution, how it causes lgbt relationships to be short lived and transactional, causes trans people to be abandoned by their cis partners. Causes institutional problems due to lack of relationship acknowledgement. Anyway, while gays are denied marriage rights due to not being reproductive, marriage's endgoal remains to maintain reproduction. Ideologies that are against letting homosexuals legally marry will inevitably allow child marriage and marital rape of cis girls and women and the pederasty and coerced prostitution of queers. Women are treated as reproductive properties. Due to this, rape is less a violation of the victim's body and more a trespassing onto the father's or the husband's property. Under this mindset, marital rape can not exist because the husband is the property owner and cannot trespass his own property, child marriage is acceptable as long as the child can birth babies because that's the condition of marriage being fulfilled. And because un-reproductive bodies are not marriageable, the femboys and trans women become un-rape-able even when they're funneled into prostitution as children and violated and penetrated against consent. By maintaining medical discrimination the ruling class ensures the early deaths of these prostitutes to keep the supply of flesh forever young and maintain the lack of life long formation of attachments. While the first world legalizes Igbt marriage, it utilizes NGOs and liberal intellectuals in the third world to argue against Igbt marriage rights due to depending on the labor of third worlds. As well as incentivizing third world queers to acquiesce to getting human trafficked by sex trafficking rings to first world countries hoping for freedom from bigotry. "But won't homosexual marriage rights reinforce the patriarchal institution of marriage?" I'm glad you asked! But no, it won't. Marriage is patriarchal due to it being designed as a ritual of reproduction. Reproduction legitimizes child marriage as long as the child bride gives birth. It legitimizes marital rape. Because gay relationships do not reproduce, marriage which for lgbts would be a ritual of social acknowledgement- actually subverts patriarchal values. Whereas without marriage, in secrecy lgbt relationships affirm patriarchal assignment of queers within the realm of secret hookups and prostitution. Saying marriage is capitalistic and patriarchal so gays shouldn’t get marriage rights is like saying "the state exists to protect capital so socialists shouldn’t want a socialist state". You people are dumbfucks. The reason the lgbt issue can't be fixed with a similar approach to cis people's issue is because cis people are not mostly comprised of prostitutes and clients, and lgbt people are mostly comprised of prostitutes and clients. So while "most reported sexual violence comes from the family members" applies to cis people, it wouldn’t apply to lgbt people whose suffered violence is coming on a great level from pimps and clients who view them as lesser than family — as well as the abuse of prostitutes generally being underreported and when reported under-documented. Liberals will see all of this, and they'll say "Well, how about you teach parents not to throw their queer children out and teach queers to not abandon their partners". In this, they forego critique of problems created by policies and laws to offer individualist solutions. Instead of changing the policies that cause this. Change the individual they say, because systems are just by individuals, and they ignore mentioning which class of individuals make these rules and laws. Which class of individuals with proclivity to be rapists and pederasts enjoy the benefits of homeless queer children desperate for money. And this is why I don't have any option but violence, because the liberals refuse to be honest. John F. Kennedy was an evil man who committed genocide on communists. But he, in his self-awareness, understood one thing: “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” Whenever feminists mention that women are 50% of the population, they're really making an appeal to utilitarianism for women's rights. Which is fine and well. Minorities, of course, failing to rely on such a percentage, for their rights need to make a different sort of appeal to utilitarianism. The one in which utilitarianism needs to bend to their needs not out of the whims of the majority but rather for the safety of the majority, which must be jeopardised by the minority until the attainment of such goals. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Although 1) it has been documented that many trans prostitutes begin their profession as underage sex trafficked kids, a lot of papers or news articles frame trans prostitution as something they do to "affirm their gender". Thus the exploitation is framed as salaciousness, a mimicry of cis women's exploitation rather than genuine exploitation. Even when it's literal homeless trans children being trafficked. 2) And when the murder rate of trans prostitutes are brought up, people say shit like "well what if the trans women were only killed because they were pretending to be cis." Handwaving away violence with a theoretical what if... Both points remove the pity reserved for cis prostitutes from trans prostitutes by framing their exploitation and abuse as a personal choice. Although trans prostitution is an entire industry, although transgender porn is willingly sought out by people online to the point it's the second highest sought out category and the consumers of those porn are doing it knowingly— these two framing of trans prostitutes as enjoyers of their own subjugation and deceivers of their exploiters helps absolve their clients of responsibility. It's ridiculous to pretend that an entire sex industry is built on deception of the clients, that an entire people trapped in a caste system are purely trapping themselves in said system out of perverse enjoyment of their own suffering. And yet these two points must the liberals and conservatives hold onto as crutch because otherwise they would have to deal with the contradictions of how society frames trans women (undesirable, privileged) versus their material reality (lusted after, exploited). ** [https://archive.org/stream/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury/1012085981-Bangladeshi-Queer-Manifesto-A-Manifesto-on-Queer-Vigilantism-Updated-Version%20%281%29_djvu.txt Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * When in Western countries LGBT people have rights and non-Western countries’ LGBT population demands rights, then we are told, “LGBTs are Western culture,” and when the West takes away the rights of their LGBT communities, we are told, “Even the West doesn’t have LGBT rights, how can it be in Bangladesh?” It is their thought process that is centred around the Western ruling class, not my thought process. Free, free Palestine. Death to America. Death to Israel. The Western ruling class used to segregate black and white people 60 years ago, and enslaved them 200 years ago. Black people earned their rights through struggle and blood. So would any dumbass claim black civil rights is “western hegemony”? So the LGBT rights for which Harvey Milk was murdered, Marsha Johnson and Sylvie Rivera gave their lives for — why is it called western hegemony? Western right-wingers call our rights “cultural marxism,” and certain intellectuals in our country call our rights “ western hegemony”— that’s the extent of their cultural hegemony. Gramsci had mentioned hegemony in relation to the ruling class, as I care not for Western hegemony — neither do I respect Bengali feudalistic theocratic hegemony. Some even call our marriage rights “heteronormative”, which is like calling black people’s rights to vote “whitero-normative”. ** [https://bdfeministarchives.org/2025/08/23/press-conference-statement-of-sahara-chowdhury/ Press Conference Statement of Sahara Chowdhury] * My name is Sahara Chowdhury. I am a trans woman. During the July Uprising, I fought against the despotic Awami regime. As did many LGBT people throughout Bangladesh, such as Priya Khan and Muntasir Rahman, the discriminatory removal of whom from the NCP political party was contributed to by the online doxxing (bullying) done to him by Sorowar. There is a gay man who had been shot during the protest whose case is still in the International Crime Tribunal. Despite the contribution of queer people in the July uprising, people like Mahtab and Sorowar publicly spoke against the government website for even giving the option to register transgender martyrs of the July movement— claiming our dead are unsuitable to share the “holy list” of other cisgender martyrs. To deny potential transgender martyrs of the July genocide the option to be documented is an act of genocide denial. I sought to combat their genocide denial as best as I could. It is in fact quite ridiculous and silly that Sorowar and Mahtab, after committing genocide denial and an active attempt at impeding documentation process regarding July martyrs based on identity politics, after doxxing LGBT people in the country again and again, are choosing to act like internet drawings and memes are the most grievous act of harm done to their personage. I merely whispered in the language they are the grammarians of. It is quite ironic that Sorowar, in a press briefing, wondered, after blaming LGBT people for Western imperialism for years, why he was being blamed for the burning of hijra pollis. I have chosen to file a GD in response to their exaggeration of the situation and attempts to instigate mobs. On 13th August, I was expelled from my university due to posting satirical and polemic cartoons depicting these two public figures, who have previously doxxed (bullied) a transgender worker at Walton simply for being trans. The university did not follow proper due process, did not give me a disciplinary hearing, I was notified of my expulsion through the public notice put out by them, and far as I understand it, the university was acting unconstitutionally in expelling me “for life”. For years, I have faced harassment, rumors, and threats that have more basis in reality than satirical cartoons. When I first came to the university, I was closeted and used the male restroom. After I came out as a trans woman, faculty told me to use the female restroom. Later, the then-VC and then-Registrar said I should use a teacher’s restroom instead. I asked again if I could use the female restroom, and they gave me permission for it. But false accusations sprang up online claiming I used both male and female restrooms whenever I wanted. The truth is, I simply did not drink water during the day to avoid using any restrooms at all. However, the false accusation continued to spread. This was just one part of a bigger smear campaign. Because I was a top student, certain classmates spread rumors that, because I am a trans woman, Western organizations were paying teachers to unethically raise my grades. Even the success of trans people is used against them. In Bangladesh, LGBT activists have been murdered. I have received countless death and rape threats myself. To show I would not hide, I described my daily routine for when I am outside in my social media profile pictures. It was my way of saying, “If you want to attack me, you know where to find me”, that I am not afraid of bigots. After July, in an unofficial student group chat, the students mocked the death of a trans woman named Shila and shared videos of trans women being stabbed. When I spoke against it, they sent me threats of physical violence. I reminded them that my profile picture already shows when I am outside. If they wanted to hurt me, they could find me. They claimed this was me threatening them. I was accused of terrorism, of threatening students, and of endangering others by posting a so-called university bus schedule. In reality, I had only mentioned the time I usually wait near the Tilagor over-bridge for transport. The campus is in Pirabazar. I never said it was the university bus, and I often take a public bus instead. On August 11, I posted satirical drawings of Mohammad Sarwar Hossain and Asif Mahtab Utsho, two men who have openly opposed trans rights. These cartoons were expressions of anger from someone who is and whose community is always under attack. My work was satirical and polemic. Even a few days prior, the intersex individual Porimoni’s shop was vandalized by a mob. That was real terrorism, that was real violence, not satirical cartoons. If my writings are called terrorism, then even Fanon’s Wretched of the Earth would be called terrorism. My works are a symbol of resistance against those genocide deniers who are against our civil rights. ** [https://bdfeministarchives.org/2025/08/23/press-conference-statement-of-sahara-chowdhury/ Press Conference Statement of Sahara Chowdhury] * Reiterating my point once more, there has been a recent research that found the right wing conservative American states with the most amount of anti-transgender laws also have the most amount of searches for transgender pornography. A lot of people found this funny or hypocritical. But really, there is no hypocrisy in this. What is the consequence of anti-transgender laws? The transgender kids get thrown out of home, they can't access education without bullying, they can't get jobs. What's the consequence of that? They turn to prostitution, becoming porn actors, and concubinism. So really, conservatives are simply maintaining their supply chain of vulnerable trans people to abuse. The purpose of a system is what it does, and this is the system they've built. Like I always say, right wingers don't want to eradicate trans people completely, just like they don't want to eradicate cis women or black people. They want trans people in the lower station in the pyramid of hierarchy. They want trans people to live as sex objects without any legal recognition of marriage or institutional recognition and die after being abused and exploited. Eradicating cis women, black people, and trans people would mean right wingers can not exploit them any longer, right wingers just want to deny them legal rights to keep exploiting them. And that's worse. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * It's interesting that like conservatives, liberals too maintain a social hierarchy. Whereas conservatives' social hierarchy is based on who deserves more oppression, the liberal's social hierarchy is based on who deserves more liberation. They cite how "even women don't have all the rights" whenever lgbt rights are brought up. A pyramid of hierarchy for liberals. At which point in the hierarchy do queers reside? There are always bigger issues than our plight before solving which our rights are impossible to acquire so surely this implies a laundry list. Imagine if American liberals began listing off how women — half the population of America — didn’t have all the rights every time the Black people fought for their rights in the civil rights era because after all, black people were merely 10 percent of the population while ignoring the existence of black women. Liberals' approach to lgbt people is for us to assume the role of an unseemly but non-malignant tumor on the body of society rather than being an actual organ. But at the end, non-malignant tumors are cut off just to maintain aesthetics. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Do you know why charities and ngos, even when people at the top weren’t swindling the money for themselves — never substantially improved transgender lives? In the context of Bangladesh where most trans people are funneled into slums and ghettos without marriage rights as prostitutes denied family having to rely on each other to survive? A vulnerable community specifically isolated into a patch of housing environment? Let's say you're a slum lord. And these trans people suddenly get money from charities. You as a slum landlord are not going to let them spend it on themselves. You're going to raise the fucking rent. And it's easy for you to raise the rent specifically for trans people rather than both trans and cis people because the trans people are all huddled into the same living environment. So you see how it is? A community gets specifically targeted charity but it doesn’t do jack because the community is isolated and converged into the same space rather than being allowed to assimilate into society through institutions like marriage. And so the transgender whore still ends up having to sell its body for rent and food, because the house always wins. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Are you familiar with the concept of endless war, son? the defining characteristics are: 1) Unclear objectives: goals are vague (as in "defeating terrorism") rather than specific measurable targets. 2) Inability to win: a lack of capacity to achieve stated aims, yet no risk of outright defeat. 3) Lack of exit strategy: no defined endpoint or plan for withdrawal. 4) Protracted nature: lasts for years or decades with ongoing low-intensity engagement. Endless wars are by design endless and exist to generate profit for capitalists through perpetual conflict. Often we've seen how the enemy fought by the imperialistic American military is funded by American government itself. Terrorists are not even their enemies but simple playmates. Now scale these geopolitical conflicts down. Think about how NGO queer leaders work in Bangladesh. 1) They have no objectives, their goal is never to win any legal rights or changing policies. 2) They themselves are defeatist and always act like they're on the losing side and yet not perish, they can not win and nor can they lose. 3) They have no goals such as achieving any laws or queer marriage rights and as such they lack an endpoint. 4) Due to this, aimlessly they work on keeping the lower class queer population hooked on drip-fed charity, their tactics are low intensity to the point of refusing to even use words like gay or transgender while working for these people. NGOs are leading an endless conflict with queer lives. they have no plan for achieving marriage rights or any other rights. Their goal is. Endless. Conflict. Without an end. To secure funding. These institutions can't end the injustices they claim to fight because resolving those injustices would make them extinct. They oppose marriage rights because it is a goal. They cannot have a goal. They can only gesture vaguely at "basic rights" whenever legal marriage rights are brought up. They cannot let you have peace much like war profiteers because your misery is what feeds them. The conservatives are not even their enemies, but simple playmates. ** [https://www.scribd.com/document/1012085981/Bangladeshi-Queer-Manifesto-A-Manifesto-on-Queer-Vigilantism-Updated-Version Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Let's talk about how shallow anticonsumerism rhetoric gets used against marginalized communities. Now, let me preface this saying: images of socialist icons such as Che Guevara are mass produced on merchandises in sweatshops, Soviet Union hats are mass produced and sold in sweatshops— does that mean socialism is inherently a bourgeoisie ideology? Obviously, no, even an idiot knows that. Capitalism subsumes all aesthetics and symbols. This is known. Religious artifacts are mass produced too. Now are all muslims inherently consumerists and bourgeoisie because corporations mass produce products with stars and crescents and ottoman aesthetics and some muslims buy them? Obviously, no, once again! But then, some intellectual morons accuse the lgbt community of being consumerist soft-capitalists (a meaningless term) because sweatshops produce rainbow flags too and some lgbt people buy these mass produced merchandise. They claim they are not against men fucking men but they're against the various “lgbt labels”, because they claim the labels were invented to sell products targeted to these identities, which again is a moronic fucking claim. No, the labels needed to exist because an oppressed group of people who deal with intense illegalization and denial of rights (often even denied from participation in modes of production to even be considered part of the proletariat and thus forced to be lumpen prostitutes and criminals left historically ignored in socialist nations) need a shared identity to build solidarity for each other. Of course capitalism capitalizes on the identity of the homosexual and transgender, it capitalizes on all fucking identities, this does not mean people of these identities thus become “bourgeoise” or that even most people of these identities even buy such merchandise. So to say that a community is bourgeoisie when most of them are poor and they're killed not only in the global south but also in the west is an inhumane fucking thing to do. Let's about transsexuals. Trans people who takes hormones to ease their sense of dysphoria is condemned by these scholarly fuckturds for being “consumerist”, some point out various injustices in the creation of hormonal medicines to condemn it altogether and declare it unnatural. Motherfucker everything from polio vaccines to abortion to the understanding of anatomy has dark histories of abused marginalized people in them. Does this mean you'll reject these technologies that have already been developed? Do you reject medicines for the cold or glasses for your eyes because blind people didn't have access to this technology before and thus it's unnatural to use it now? Secondly, there are trans people, chemists or people with chemical knowledge, who produce their own hormones without buying from corporations. Tell me, are you fine with hormones created without corporate ties or do you think those trans people are “brainwashed” by the “big pharma” as well to sell more “products” and thus are deserving of condemnation? Are you against state produced estrogen and testosterone in socialist nations like Cuba that are beginning to stop fucking over trannies too? Or do you think trannies in socialist countries are brainwashed by the big pharma too? The funniest thing about traditionalists who are pro-natalists trying to frame transgender people as corporate-invention consumers of medicines is that you can frame those cishets as corporate-invention consoomers who are making the act of creating babies a huge part of their identity and in the process are tricked into consoooming more and more resources and are tricked into spending money to uh buy things. Its bullshit, just like framing trans people as slaves of consumer culture is bullshit. But two can play at that game. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Those self-identified "queer grassroot leaders" calling for restrain and secrecy in lgbt activism and decrying people speaking out without consulting them— or general intellectual/politician horde, often identifying themselves as leftists , do not apply actual proper class analysis but remain stuck in playing a form of identity politics. For them, owning private property is not an signifier of class but rather aesthetics are— the openly queer people attempting open nonsecret bold activism become "privileged" not due to ownership of private property or by exploiting others' labor but due to the social conventions they break — due to contradicting these people or being rude to them. Openly queer people are assumed to be rich and thus above the law by them — rather than being openly queer because they have nothing to lose. Class reductionism done right is better than the form of identity politics which they play. In Spivak's essay she asked "can the subaltern speak" and Bangladeshi leftists have turned it into an assertive sentence — the subaltern can not speak— and thus anyone who speaks is not qualified as a subaltern. Openly queer people advocating for legal rights are framed as "privileged" and "doing more harm than good" for the queer collective. Anyone breaking social conventions are framed as individualists and since asking for lgbt rights is breaking social conventions, thus the queer activists are individualists and individualism is a very very very no good bad bad word, saar. However, the downlow queer activists or leaders who call for secrecy and restrain are not promoting active collectivism. They're promoting passive collectivism, passive collectivism which seeks to not make waves but help individuals within the community through charity and access to resources. Which ironically enough can be called a form of individualism itself — queer individuals are getting help through charity— but the system that denies them legal rights collectively is not confronted. For the bourgeoisie, the hierarchy-based society is what grants them power and privilege — and for the proletariat, the hierarchy is the cause of their suffering. Herein lies the contradiction of bourgeois charity — if the goal of charity is to alleviate suffering, then charity must dismantle the hierarchy rather than reinforce it — but that would require the bourgeoisie to act against their class interest — thus bourgeois charity is self-contradictory and can never alleviate suffering in any meaningful way but only exist to reinforce the status quo by being a tool of dominance-assertion for the ruling class which simultaneously frames them as “good people”. And thus passive collectivism is a form of individualism. I could try to argue that I am attempting to mobilisea the community toward collective action as an individual and that even if my actions end up hurting the collective as it always does when lgbt controversy goes viral — that in the long term it will do more good by alleviating systemic oppression and the queer activists now are thinking of short term "good". But that would be rebutted with a simple "ah but you will fail to change legal policies, and so there will only be short term harm without long term good". In this case, I would not have any particular argument to provide in order to moralize my actions. And thus I would simply accept accusations of amorality and privilege as a part of what I am and what I do. I will simply identify myself as a knowingly harmful privileged element. The question is what's next? What can you sniveling fuckwads do after that — beyond having me arrested or killing me? I accept death. I have walked into places as bombs were being thrown. I have walked toward gunfires with nothing but bricks in my hands. I have been beaten and raped as a joke. What can you do to me that has not been done? Mine is the privilege of being Death incarnate. I moralize none of my actions— I ask no pity for what might happen to me. I preach violence for the sake of violence— conflict for the sake of conflict— whether it's sustainable or effective does not matter to me. My complete agency and its negative consequences I fully accept. Cower before my omnipotence and repent. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The problem that is happening now is that these fringe political groups are framing themselves as ordinary people. They are not ordinary people. The ordinary people were here all day. They did nothing. They are not against us. If they make any public statement against us, it will be because of pressure from those political parties — because they have to live here. If they go against the political party, the party has state power. The party will come and demolish their stalls. So the point is that ordinary people are not against us. I was interacting with ordinary people all day. Ordinary people did nothing. The ones who are against us are a few lifeless, subhuman people, people like animals. Their job is to establish fascism. And the fact that they have started this recently — they got this from the West too. In the West as well, there wasn’t much major opposition to transgender people for a long time. After 2016, Ben Shapiro, Michael Walsh — these kinds of Zionists, these Israel-supporting people — started speaking against transgender people. Meanwhile we can see that transgender and gay people in Western countries have united and stood against their aggression, spoken against their imperialism, worked against Israel’s genocide of Palestinian people. There is Queer for Palestine. There are many groups like this. These people in the West carry on their work. But here in Bangladesh, right-wingers like Sarwar Hossain (Sorowar Hossain) — when Trump speaks against transgender people, when Michael Walsh speaks against transgender people, when their driving forces speak against transgender people, they don’t notice that these same people defend Israel. These same people carry out genocide in Palestine, carry out genocide in UNRWA. Then they take the side of these genocidal imperialists and say — "well, since they speak against transgender people, they must be good." ** [https://zahranesque.substack.com/p/how-the-right-wing-decides-who-counts How the Right-Wing Decides Who Counts as Intersex, Trans, or Gay] * Politicians (like Sarjis Alam) often present "conversion therapy" as an answer to lgbt people. This of course is to sate rich parents who worry their children might be lgbt and as a result suffer bigotry. Conversion therapy will of course only be accessible to the rich. Poor people won't be able to afford institutionally torturing their children under guise of therapy. So in the present dynamic in which lower class visibly queer lgbts are funneled into prostitution and rich people who are closeted exploit them — conversion therapy acts as a course correction or safeguard for lgbt people born to rich parents who may rebel against this social dynamic in their youth and come out of closet. Thus conversion "therapy" is used to torture them until they agree to get back to closet and dance to the tune of status quo and be one of those miserable closeted cishet-married middle aged people cheating on their partner— and this therapy/torture is a social symbol of repentance/redemption from their "temporary corruption by the lgbt agenda". Thus conversion therapy is offered to rich parents as an alternative to lgbt rights, and it appeals to them because civil rights for lgbts would apply to all classes — meanwhile conversion therapy is an exclusive "solution" to the rich. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * On a class interest level, the hijra underling and the transgender are not opponents— but the hijra guruma and the transgender are in class conflict and are opponents. Transgenderism introduces an idea of gender deviancy in this region that does not require submission to an authority or leadership figure like the guruma. Because the guruma exploits the underling's money from begging and selling them into sexual contracts (with the client base often extending to India), on an existential level the idea of gender-deviants not flocking together and instead trying to establish their legal rights/ability to perpetuate life outside the hijra system is a threat to gurumas' labor capital. [This does not mean transgenderism without trans rights would end trans people's funneling toward sex work, it would simply either 1) make them their own solicitor or more likely 2) make a pimp who is not the guruma the solicitor, which nonetheless destabilizes their power] Of course there are "good" gurumas, as there are feudal lords who maybe personally a "good" person, but on a systemic level the hijra caste is not sustainable in a way that does not leave the underlings traumatized and exploited. And people who can not think systemically and are hooked on addlepated micro-narratives will be offended at the suggestion. Whereas the Awami League constitutional framing of hijra as an "intersex" identity is ahistorical and many hijra guruma want a form of legal recognition that recognizes it as an identity adjacent profession (in simpler term a caste and their goal being to legally perpetuate this caste due to their benefit incentive), the transgender identity if legally recognized would be so outside this caste system. The hijra legal recognition right now does not really fully benefit even the gurumas as it limits the definition to "intersex" (and only the ones whose genitalia are variant, not the chromosomal or hormone variant ones) so on a legal basis most of them are not covered by it, although the gurumas can still use this to control their commune members by reporting to cops of the ones trying to leave the hijra system without forsaking their gender presentation as "fake hijras", which the legal definition of hijras as intersex would get the hypothetical underling in trouble cause the cops will be checking the underling's genitals rather than the wealth-backed gurumas'. Fuckass libshits will frame this as a colonial individualism (trans) versus traditional collective (hijra) issue, rather than a non-feudal identity versus feudal identity or non-labor-exploitative versus labor-exploitative issue. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * When invisibility and safe space queer people as their life-support embrace: queers who are inherently visible are seen by them as life-threat, risible, deserving of condemnation, scorn, fear. To preserve their cherished “safety” so dear. Lest the masses be reminded that they do indeed exist, much to their dismay. Thus: the girly faggot, the manly dyke, Also the tranny- they come to dislike. And thus they blame their oppression onto those wretches, ones who suffer the most too. That's how we cannibalize each other. And that's the way how brother kills brother. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * There are ones who view trans women as predatory men, and ones who view trans women as privileged past men who lost their privilege and "became" something closer to women. Transphobia is viewed by them as a byproduct of misogyny seeking to subjugate wombyns rather than its own construct used to specifically subjugate and exploit trans people. Thus transitioning and all the violence trans people face associated with transitioning is not for trans people to own but for wombyns to own. This is a framing almost of a criminal who has been captured and disgraced, is to be pitied now for that disgrace, but there may still be in him the qualities that drove him to banditry. The reason I say I'm gay man now is because they view gay men as having power over women and being male privileged. And it is better to be viewed as possessing of more power than less, because the liberals' approach to marginalized communities is not to allocate power, but to remind them that they're powerless and should bow and kneel in accordance. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Liberals preach on about their empathy, they've turned empathy into a weapon — not against oppressors but against the oppressed. Their opposition to homophobia and transphobia is a controlled opposition. They will say you too deserve empathy, that you too are human, that they feel sorrow at your plight — but they're the vultures of sorrow. Their sorrow exists only to assert their humanity, but does not transmute into legal change. Their intention is not legal change nor doing any actual improvement beyond charity for lgbt people— it is to maintain the conditions which creates the necessity for charity. Their empathy is a jackboot. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * More queers in Bangladesh have died from lack of systemic legal recognition and the lack of civil rights than they have died from hate crimes for advocating for their civil rights. Queers die from hate crimes in countries with lgbt friendly laws too. The only difference is Bangladeshis use the deaths of Xulhaz and his partner as the unending sob story and scareshow instead of keeping on fighting. Do I come across as crass? Do I seem disrespectful to the weight of their deaths? Because their deaths have already been made weightless by people who used it as an excuse to give up the fight. Anyway Bangladeshi lgbts who seek to apply for asylum abroad probably have a vested interest in keeping the country's anti-lgbt laws unchanged, just saying. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The problem with queer people is that a lot of them think they're an inherently liberated people.  It’s the notion that queerphobia exists simply as a tool to keep women in their station under patriarchy rather than something that exists to directly exploit queers and keep queers in their station as well. For queers to acknowledge that society has a station for them is to accept that they're not free agents and it scares them. They would prefer imagining that the brothels or the underworld network they inhabit is somehow separated from the status quo, but they're part of the status quo, that is your station. You're not free by choosing not to be in a family, by choosing not to be in a heterosexual relationship. Even the nature of your homosexual relationship is dictated by capital. When you're taking the role of a sugar baby, when you're being a prostitute or concubine, when you're visibly queer but your partner keeps you secret and it reduces your chances of survival — that's all dictated by capital. It's not a coincidence, you don't belong to a parallel power, the underground network isn’t parallel power, your relationships are not a product of a parallel structure, it's part of state and capital, you're not a destabilizing force just by existing, you're still a part of this structure. Your continuous life or mere existence if you're lgbt actually IS NOT a middle finger to the status quo in itself. People say existence is resistance as a fucking cope to compensate for their impotency. Because the ruling class only acts like they want you dead. They actually don't. They want instead for you to suffer perpetually. They want you to exist, but barely, beneath their feet in the social hierarchy, so they can feel like they're above someone else. So they can feel like they're better, so they can continue to exploit you. If your whole community died, if all the marginalized people died, these people wouldn’t know what to do with themselves, they would have to create divides within themselves just to stand on the top of someone else. Your mere existence, such is why, is not revolutionary in itself— until you start doing activities that can directly destabilize their foothold on the pyramid of social hierarchies. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Nothing incurs more disgust and loathing in me more than the term "safe space"— be it for race, religion, women or lgbts. Ritualized and institutionalized cowardice and performative fragility. Fascism comes to Bangladesh under the guise of creating safe spaces. There is no greater joke for Bangladeshi lgbt peoplSpaces the phrase "safe space". You can have no safe space in a nation which laws criminalize you, disallows you from having marriage or civil union rights, disallows your loved one the consent to put you on life support or bury you. Safe space is then a boiling water at best which cooks you and you can not tell because the flames are out of your sight. The only real safety is in the weapon of your hand. You must reject the illusion of safe spaces. You must reject incremental change. It has to be accelerationism on either direction. It's a fucking joke seeing cowardly senior lgbt leaders unironically trying to fearmonger against the idea of lgbts coming out of the closet and demanding legal rights despite knowing how many lgbt people closeted and out of closet were out there in the streets during July already acquainted with the bloodbath and now don't even have any future social or legal security to mentally recover from it or find a sense of normalcy through a domestic life that their straight and cis counterparts have and thus have no reason to fear loss of life or violence. I have stood against people with guns and bombs, what fear do I have against blades? What do I have to look forward to — other than either domesticity or death? "Safe spaces" for liberals to hang out in without any specific goals give them an inert impotent private outlet for their energy that could've been better utilized in disruptive public actions. Due to conservative aggression and taboos they operate on pure superego in public, and in safe spaces as compensation, they revert to pure id. In either spaces their ego is unutilized. As a result, because safe spaces are always compromised, they end up looking that much like clowns when they're exposed in public. Safe spaces are the fascism's carrot to fascism's stick. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Hope can be a shitty thing sometimes. When you're getting kicked in the belly, sometimes it can stop you from hitting back the person kicking you in the hope your passivity will arouse a sense of sympathy in them and make them stop. That hope is the other side of the fear that hitting the person hitting you will make them hit you more. People talk about crippling dread, but hope can be crippling too. There is the sort of despair that snuffs out all your energy and leaves you a living corpse and there is the type that motivates you into action with the intent of going down swinging. Can't escape despair as much as choose which kind to give yourself into. People talk about how the state of the world should "radicalize your rather than lead you to despair" but you can't get radicalized without being chin deep in despair, honestly. The kind of change the world needs right now can only be brought in by a mass movement of suicidal and desperate working class people ready to go down swinging. But we're all dreaming that things might get better. And we won't do the things that need to be done until we give up on that dream. Until we start to truly, properly despair. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Genocides against queers can never be permanent —but only perpetual— because we don't repopulate like ethnic minorities from ancestors to descendants. Unfortunately this also means we will never have a permanent diaspora. You can't ever move all the queers abroad to a comparatively safe zone or whatever because they will just repopulate the next generation. So the only possible option to leave a better world for the future is improving the ground where you stand on. Because you'll never be able to take all your people away. You will never be Moses. All your people will become enslaved once more, the Pharaoh can never let them go. And so you must kill the Pharaoh. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * The other day this guy in a seminar was talking about some "Oh the lgbt culture in America was more radical before they got their rights". Were they? Were they? Rich powerful wankers like fucking FBI head J Edgar Hoover and conservative cuck Roy Cohn were bruising the innards of male survival sex workers in secret orgies back then. What, are you gonna pretend abusive rich paypigs aren’t a fundamental part of queer culture when not having rights are forcing our kids into the streets? And you’ve had armed trannies and gays wearing soviet hats organizing the streets now and even the past two decades there. We're just fucking people dude. We'll be shitty people and good people with or without rights — just the lives of lower class ones would be somewhat fucking easier. And we see now too don't we? Awami League has as many queer supporters as fucking Maoist groups have queer people in them. So what the fuck are you talking about, what the fuck homonationalist crap theories are you waving in front of my face? Fuck your theory. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * I've gone at length in my manifesto about how the denial of lgbt marriage rights is killing and putting lgbt people on an early grave systemically. So when our legal rights would require no state funds to be wasted, why are we denied it? Liberals posit that our issues are secondary to anti-imperialism, socialism, feminism and macroeconomics in general —often portraying us as an obstacle to these things even. They condemn the NGO queers, but they never empower the voices of the non-NGO queers. They condemn BAL queers, but never embolden the voices of the queers who fought in the streets in July, supported it intellectually and in the background with resources. They claim queers must remain silent until patriarchy is destroyed and women are at equal standing with men and make no progress in feminism either beyond shallow wins. They claim that queer rights are impossible in a poor country and that queers are all rich while poor queers bear the double burden of class and queerphobia. So the question comes— decades of lgbts prostituting away and dying —and have you managed to make a dent on the American empire? Has socialism been established in your country? Has feminism made strides? Has the economy been bolstered in the absence of lgbt rights as we died like dogs? So, their opposition to queer rights is obviously not rational. And in this irrationality do we find their faith — that if they systemically lavish onto enough of us passive deaths that their cause will be bolstered. As if we are the human sacrifices to the gods of Feminism, Socialism, Economy and Anti-imperialism. No, this is a fine view to have. I'm not critiquing it, merely describing it. So why are their gods not listening to their prayers? I posit this is because queer lives cut short by systemic denial has cheapened our blood and flesh so much that we hold no longer any value as human sacrifices. My suggestion to these leftists and liberals would then be to sacrifice their own family members and children to this cause. Be Agamemnon. Be victorious. And may the knives of the Clytemnestras spare ye. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * In times of economical instability, war, disaster or famine— if a particular community in a war-affected society stops being a concern, if oppressing that particular community by the majority of that society starts becoming fine, if killing its people starts being fine because there are bigger problems, because the majority killing the minority are themselves under threat from a different global superpower — then that minority community was never not killable. Liberals frame lgbt marriage rights as utopian, as a luxury item. Lgbts can fight for legal marriage recognition only after all other problems in the world have been solved according to liberals. Even though the lack of it systemically kills us, even though granting it to us would require spending not a single penny of state funds. And this frames lgbt lives as killable in any context other than an utopia. Because in any context other than an utopia our lives are worthless. The conservatives who want to kill lgbt people both when the economy is unstable and even when the economy is stable are more honest about it. Because their hatred is unconditional. Meanwhile the liberals' allyship is conditional. And unconditional hate is superior to conditional care. There is only gleeful butchering and unambiguous solidarity. And either is fine. But the devil's work is what it is done in the middle of that spectrum. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * "We should care more about changing social values first instead of changing laws that could help the marginalized!" My brother in folly, the only reason you continue to walk on god's green earth is because I want to avoid the legal consequences of killing you with hammers rather than any socially installed values of empathy for people like you. Bangladeshi liberals exhaust me because they identify a problem like child marriage and proceed to say shit like "changing laws has no point, we must dismantle the ideology". No one is going to hear you preach to them. It's not a matter of simple ideology. If a poor family has the option to legally sell their children to a rich man, they will sell their children to a rich man. You need to ban child marriage to make it harder for them to do it. There will still be children slipping through the cracks in the safety net, but your goal is tightening the net, and making sure there's a safety net preventing the marriage at all. You can't simply vaguely gasture at a "dismantling of ideology" one day without taking the most obvious step first. This is a meaningless exercise. We can't stop all of the child marriages but we can stop at least a huge portion of them and we won't take the steps necessary for even that because we have fucking cucked ourselves into uttering buzzwords and phrases like "changing social values is more important than changing laws" without ever actually going anywhere. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * In my opinion, one does not truly believe in a cause if one is not prepared to die for it. I'm willing to and have prepared myself to eventually be killed for being lgbt. Most people who want to deny trans people transition facilities, legal recognition or lgbt people the marriage rights are not prepared to die for the cause of denying those things to us, because after all these things don't really directly impact them much. Nonetheless— their belief-less efforts for lgbtphobic causes, often originating from having the same acceptable opinion as the next person, often originating from an attempt to fit in - manages to cause harm due to the majority of their numbers. This is the most depressing aspect of lgbtphobia, a dispassionate disregard is enough to deny you a family of your own. Hence the dispassionate disregard of the upper middle class and rich must be turned into something else. It must be turned into fear. In fact, since I'm trying my best to get killed, if i end up succeeding in finding death, do not present any rhetorics that ask people to sympathize with me, that'd not jive with my edgelord extremist era. Acknowledge that I've made my decisions in sound mind and move on. I make no appeals to the humanity of inhumans. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * It's not about whether my existence is ethical, it's not about whether I deserve to exist, it's not about whether religion or science justifies my existence— but that I do exist — and I do seek legal recognition for my marriage and for my decriminalization — and if I can not have it I will destroy everything, and that you can not destroy me in any meaningful way because lgbt people will reappear in your homes the next generation and they will follow my example of destruction, and you cannot have peace and security without granting it to us. I lose members of my community to passive systemic violence that results in their demise in lonely deathbeds left unattended by their closeted partners too scared to come out. It's a mad unjust world and the only sane course of action is to return it with the same unjust madness and disregard for innocent lives it has bestowed on my people. The liberals don't give a shit about us and the leftists see our plight as culture war and the climate change will kill us all in two decades and I can't, in the last few years of my life left to me, after all the violence, after all the fights I fought for this country in July, the life risks I took — I can't even experience a moment of sunset with a husband, sit with him in a park for a picnic, hold his hand in public, rest my head on his shoulder— while the libleft cunts tell me marriage doesn't matter and legalization doesn’t matter while they themselves marry and the leftist dickless spineless gutless worms call the lgbt community consumerist or bourgeoise or colonizers of western hegemony — as the feminists act like trans women were part of patriarchy before transitioning as if we weren't put through psychological, physical and sexual torture since childhood for acting feminine when the concepts of masculinity and femininity weren't even distinct to us and thus it is acceptable to mock and deride us as long as done from a feminist talking point — and there is no political organized fight for my kin— why would I not be angry? My anger or madness is not irrational, it's the state of mind I logically decided to arrive on. I trained myself to think of physical pain as a mere emotion that can be not felt in order to deal with the pain of beatings and stone-peltings and other forms of physical abuse. I am an extremely controlled individual. I do not feel anything that I do not want to feel, I do not think anything that I do not want to think, I have decided under cold consideration, that having left no peaceful methods of furthering or acquiring rights for this people, the only option left is violence and death. We are an endless horde. If we are to be monsters before committing you harm, then we shall be monsters afterwards. If we are marked as the destroyers of your civilization as your civilization crushes us — then we shall fulfill your accusing prophecy. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * Bigotry will forever exist, you will always hear slurs. You will often need to fight physically. This is unavoidable. The point of legal rights is to give you the slightest chance of survival. Of course it won't solve all your problems. Of course your parents won't say they'll love you forever no matter what like some cheesy Hollywood movie. The point of legal rights is to give you a lifeline to hold as you drown, of course it's not a magical solution to all of your problems. But it needs to exist just for that ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury * What I contend with is the burden of agency. The despair in knowing things are not hopeless. I can not say "I must be closeted" or "legal queer rights in Bangladesh are not possible" because I know these things to be false. I know possible are all things that we make them to be. I can not find solace in hopelessness. I can not say "there was nothing I could've done" or "this was beyond my hands" because I know these things to be lies that the powerful also say. If I was murdered or arrested/vanished, my agency properly robbed and I was made truly helpless and incapable of making change— then I could find in my inability to make change some semblance of peace. The self-allowance for rest. ** [https://archive.org/details/bangladeshi-queer-manifesto-a-manifesto-on-queer-vigilantism-by-sahara-chowdhury Bangladeshi Queer Manifesto: A Manifesto on Queer Vigilantism] by Sahara Chowdhury 9yf6v9mnhpg7p44d6az3mtj7ydivxy4 0 307264 3944785 3942280 2026-05-24T08:27:57Z Vanguard Man 3294029 3944785 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Project Hail Mary (2026) Logo.png|thumb|Believe in the Hail Mary]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Project Hail Mary (film)|Project Hail Mary]]''''' is a 2026 American [[w:epic film|epic]] [[science fiction comedy|science fiction comedy]] film, about middle school science teacher Ryland Grace (Ryan Gosling) who wakes up on a spaceship light-years from home with no recollection of who he is or how he got there. As his memory returns, he begins to uncover his mission: to solve the riddle of the mysterious substance that is causing the sun to die out. He must call on his scientific knowledge and unorthodox ideas to save everything on Earth from extinction... but an unexpected friendship means he may not have to do it alone. :''Directed by [[w:Phil Lord|Phil Lord]] and [[w:Christopher Miller|Christopher Miller]] and screenplay adapted by [[w:Drew Goddard|Drew Goddard]], based on [[w:Andy Weir|Andy Weir]]'s [[w:Project Hail Mary|2021 novel of the same name]].'' {{center|'''Believe in the Hail Mary.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Ryland Grace== * [''In video recording''] * Rocky's growing on me! At least he's not growing ''IN'' me, which was a concern for a while... * I always wanted to be... mysterious. Talk too much. It's my problem. Like right now. * Rocky, my hand is up. We can't just show up in a space ball unannounced and move into someone else's spaceship. Right? There has to be boundaries. * There's nothing she can't do * [''Whispering to camera''] He tells me what to do, he tells me why to do it, he tells me how to do it, he tells me when to do it, and then when I do it, he's like, "what are you doing?" * [''Watches a new package being thrown from "Blip A" after the first one bounced off the Hail Mary's hull''] Why is it moving so much slower than the last one? [''Sighs and closes eyes''] They think I'm dumb. * Guys! This is first contact! With life! Outside of the, uh oh. Oh... it died. * Carl and I made a mini-Venus out of a plywood box and as soon as the samples recognized the, uh, spectral signature of CO2 they were... they were like "whoop, there it is!" * Wow! You're not gonna believe this. Nothing happened! * The astrophage consumes the sun's energy and then they expel it for propulsion. They toot to scoot, basically. * Okay buddy, I watch you sleep but you have to wake up. * Me and Carl became fathers ==Eva Stratt== * [''Looking at Ryland Grace while singing''] Remember, everything will be alright. We can meet again somewhere. Somewhere far away from here. And that is enough. * This might seem like me betraying you, but this is actually me believing in you. * You're smart. You'll figure it out. ==Rocky== * Rocky watch whole crew die. Could not fix. Grace say Grace will die. Rocky fix. * Amaze. Amaze. Amaze. * Fist my bump. * Rocky hate Mark. * Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question? * Grace Rocky save stars * It is time go. * Time go fishing, question? ==Carl== * You know who you are. You're going to do great. ==Dialogue== :'''Ryland Grace''': I put the 'not' in astronaut! I've never done a space walk, I can't even moonwalk! I haven't done any training, I haven't done the whole... ..the pool thing! :'''Olesya Ilyukhina''': No, no, no. That is just we do for the picture, for social media. :'''Ryland Grace''': I'm not heroic in any way. I get sick on an elevator! :'''Yao''': Perfect. There's no elevator on the ship. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': You have a mate. How long you been together? :'''Rocky''': 186.3 years. :'''Ryland Grace''': It's like, the honeymoon phase. :'''Rocky''': No understand. :'''Ryland Grace''': That's a joke, Rock, it's a long time. You've been together a long time. :'''Rocky''': Is not enough. ---- :'''Rocky''': Words of encouragement. :'''Ryland Grace''': You can't just say "words of encouragement!" :'''Rocky''': Words of GREAT encouragement! ---- :'''Rocky''': We leave now, question? :'''Ryland Grace''': Leave now. Statement. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': Commander Yao, I really appreciate what you all are doing. :'''Yao''': I mean, you would do the same. :'''Ryland Grace''': I would choose just not to go at all. I don't have the bravery gene that you all have. :'''Yao''': Trust me. It's not a gene. You just need to find someone to be brave for. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': [''Whispering''] There's no way you can hear me right now. :'''Rocky''': Can hear. ---- :'''Rocky''': Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty. Why room so messy, question? :'''Ryland Grace''': Well, I wasn't expecting company, was I? :'''Rocky''': This room for garbage? Ohh. ---- :'''Rocky''': How do you know when the hug is done? :'''Ryland Grace''': You just feel it. :'''Rocky''': Oh, are you feeling it now? :'''Ryland Grace''': Nope. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': We can't just show up in a spaceball unannounced and move into someone else's spaceship, right? There has to be boundaries. :'''Rocky''': Boundaries. :'''Ryland Grace''': We have one mission. :'''Rocky''': Mission. :'''Ryland Grace''': But we're two distinct individuals. :'''Rocky''': Individuals. :'''Ryland Grace''': Both working on our distinct, individual parts of that mission. :'''Rocky''': Mission. :'''Ryland Grac'''e: Separately. :'''Rocky''': Separately. :'''Ryland Grace''': Ok. :'''Rocky''': Where my bedroom? :'''Ryland Grace''': Bedroom? For what? ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': I need to get into orbit or we'll crash! :'''Rocky''': I have an idea. First, no crash. Then, no explode. Deal? :'''Ryland Grace''': [''Thumbs down''] Deal! ---- :'''Hardware Store Cashier''': Which government? :'''Carl''': All of them. ---- :'''Rocky: You are very brave. :'''Ryland Grace: I don't know about that. :'''Rocky''': You are bravest human I have ever met. :'''Ryland Grace''': Hey! :'''Rocky''': Is joke! :'''Ryland Grace''': I know. :'''Rocky''': I only meet one human. And it's you! :'''Ryland Grace''': I get it. :'''Rocky''': It's good joke. :'''Ryland Grace''': Good joke. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': It took, like, 200 years to figure out how bacteria works, so... :'''Eva Stratt''': Please do it faster. ---- :'''Eva Stratt''': The consensus here is that it would be preferable if you did not die. :'''Ryland Grace''': Thanks, guys. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': I'm gonna go to sleep. :'''Rocky''': Mm, no understand word. :'''Ryland Grace''': Sleep? Uh, just uh, you go like this. [''Lies down''] :'''Rocky''': [''Panicked''] D-d-died? Is died? Died? :'''Ryland Grace''': No... :'''Rocky''': No no no no no! :'''Ryland Grace''': Not died, just laying here for 29,000 seconds and then we... wake up. :'''Rocky''': Oh... understand. ---- :'''Eva Stratt''': Do you stand by what you wrote? :'''Ryland Grace''': I was fired for standing by what I wrote. :'''Eva Stratt''': You were fired for calling the leading scholar in your field a "staggering waste of carbon" at the UNESCO conference in Denmark. ---- :'''Rocky''': I thought you made peace, question? :'''Ryland Grace''': I didn't mean any of that. That's just something you say. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': [''Rreading from computer''] Fist my bump? No. It's fist bump. :'''Rocky''': [''On computer''] Is same. :'''Ryland Grace''': It's not the same. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': So, you really think all this is going to work? :'''Eva Stratt''': God willing. :'''Ryland Grace''': You believe in God? :'''Eva Stratt''': Beats the alternative. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': We have 1,009 of these Little Engines That Could on the Hail Mary, and, uh... :'''Yao''': [in Mandarin] This guy speaks like a child. :'''Eva Stratt''': [''In Mandarin'] It doesn't matter, you'll get used to it. :'''Yao''': Okay. :'''Eva Stratt''': [''Whispering''] You're doing great. :'''Ryland Grace''': [''Whispering''] What? ---- :'''Rocky''': What is Grace doing, question? :'''Ryland Grace''': [softly] I'm having a moment. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': Imagine, for a second, that you're an interstellar microorganism. :'''Carl''': I'm not doing that. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': Carl and I made a baby. :'''Eva Stratt''': [''Over phone''] ... What? ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': You'll find a solution. :'''Eva Stratt''': You are my solution. ---- :'''Rocky''': Close the door! :'''Ryland Grace''': I thought you said it was safe! :'''Rocky''': I make door, you close door! ---- :'''Rocky''': More! No, no, no, left! Be left, more left, more left! Is perfect! No, wrong. :'''Mary''': Erratic maneuver detected. :'''Rocky''': No. Wrong way, wrong way. Wrong angle, bad, bad, bad. Good, good, good! Good! Bad, not enough, not enough. Too much, too much, too much! :'''Ryland Grace''': I'm barely pulling it! :'''Rocky''': Left, left, left! No, is bad. Grace Rocky dead. All Rocky plural, all Earth die, we die, we die. ---- :'''Rocky''': Grace look disgust when eat! :'''Ryland Grace''': How do you look when you eat? :'''Rocky''': It look beautiful! :'''Ryland Grace''': Show me. :'''Rocky''': [''Proceeds to demonstrate''] :'''Ryland Grace''': Oh my god. [''Tries not to gag''] ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': *Whispering to video log* He has incredible hearing. He can see through walls. Personal space is at a premium... :'''Rocky''': Who is Grace talking to Question? ---- :'''Rocky''': [''To recording''] Hello, Earth. Plan is like fishing. We get very close to Adrian atmosphere and lower collector into clouds with chain. Then Grace go on hull to reel it in. If ship not at precise angle and speed, we die. Example: We must fly backwards to keep proper velocity, even though Grace still have no pilot experience! :'''Ryland Grace''': Hey, I've been practicing, haven't I? ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': They seem to be... dimming the sun a tiny, teeny-weeny little bit. :'''Olivia''': So no big whoop? :'''Ryland Grace''': It's a-It's a small whoop. It's small-to-medium whoop. Over the next 30 years, the Earth could cool maybe 10 to... 15 degrees. :'''Olivia''': So it is a big whoop? ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': Did you get your free hat? :'''Eva Stratt''': Yeah I k-I kind of bought them? ==Taglines== * Believe in the Hail Mary ==Cast== * [[w:Ryan Gosling|Ryland Grace]] - Ryland Grace * [[w:Sandra Hüller|Sandra Hüller]] - Eva Stratt * [[w:James Ortiz|James Ortiz]] - Rocky * [[w:Lionel Boyce|Lionel Boyce]] - Carl * [[w:Milana Vayntrub|Milana Vayntrub]] - Olesya Ilyukhina * [[w:Ken Leung|Ken Leung]] - Yao * [[w:Priya Kansara|Priya Kansara]] - Mary(voice) * [[w:Mia Soteriou|Mia Soteriou]] - Dr. Browne * Annelle Olaleye - Olivia * Maya Eva Hosein - Rekha * Bastian Antonio Fuentes - Parker ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} * {{IMDb title|id=12042730|title=Project Hail Mary}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=project_hail_mary|title=Galaxy Quest}} [[Category:2026 films]] [[Category:2020s American films]] [[Category:Space adventure films]] [[Category:Action science fiction films]] [[Category:Films about extraterrestrial life]] iih0zd7o4yb11463o1e9tva2owl3yav 3944786 3944785 2026-05-24T08:28:32Z Vanguard Man 3294029 3944786 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Project Hail Mary (2026) Logo.png|thumb|Believe in the Hail Mary]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Project Hail Mary (film)|Project Hail Mary]]''''' is a 2026 American [[w:epic film|epic]] [[w:science fiction comedy|science fiction comedy]] film, about middle school science teacher Ryland Grace (Ryan Gosling) who wakes up on a spaceship light-years from home with no recollection of who he is or how he got there. As his memory returns, he begins to uncover his mission: to solve the riddle of the mysterious substance that is causing the sun to die out. He must call on his scientific knowledge and unorthodox ideas to save everything on Earth from extinction... but an unexpected friendship means he may not have to do it alone. :''Directed by [[w:Phil Lord|Phil Lord]] and [[w:Christopher Miller|Christopher Miller]] and screenplay adapted by [[w:Drew Goddard|Drew Goddard]], based on [[w:Andy Weir|Andy Weir]]'s [[w:Project Hail Mary|2021 novel of the same name]].'' {{center|'''Believe in the Hail Mary.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Ryland Grace== * [''In video recording''] * Rocky's growing on me! At least he's not growing ''IN'' me, which was a concern for a while... * I always wanted to be... mysterious. Talk too much. It's my problem. Like right now. * Rocky, my hand is up. We can't just show up in a space ball unannounced and move into someone else's spaceship. Right? There has to be boundaries. * There's nothing she can't do * [''Whispering to camera''] He tells me what to do, he tells me why to do it, he tells me how to do it, he tells me when to do it, and then when I do it, he's like, "what are you doing?" * [''Watches a new package being thrown from "Blip A" after the first one bounced off the Hail Mary's hull''] Why is it moving so much slower than the last one? [''Sighs and closes eyes''] They think I'm dumb. * Guys! This is first contact! With life! Outside of the, uh oh. Oh... it died. * Carl and I made a mini-Venus out of a plywood box and as soon as the samples recognized the, uh, spectral signature of CO2 they were... they were like "whoop, there it is!" * Wow! You're not gonna believe this. Nothing happened! * The astrophage consumes the sun's energy and then they expel it for propulsion. They toot to scoot, basically. * Okay buddy, I watch you sleep but you have to wake up. * Me and Carl became fathers ==Eva Stratt== * [''Looking at Ryland Grace while singing''] Remember, everything will be alright. We can meet again somewhere. Somewhere far away from here. And that is enough. * This might seem like me betraying you, but this is actually me believing in you. * You're smart. You'll figure it out. ==Rocky== * Rocky watch whole crew die. Could not fix. Grace say Grace will die. Rocky fix. * Amaze. Amaze. Amaze. * Fist my bump. * Rocky hate Mark. * Grumpy. Angry. Stupid. How long since last sleep, question? * Grace Rocky save stars * It is time go. * Time go fishing, question? ==Carl== * You know who you are. You're going to do great. ==Dialogue== :'''Ryland Grace''': I put the 'not' in astronaut! I've never done a space walk, I can't even moonwalk! I haven't done any training, I haven't done the whole... ..the pool thing! :'''Olesya Ilyukhina''': No, no, no. That is just we do for the picture, for social media. :'''Ryland Grace''': I'm not heroic in any way. I get sick on an elevator! :'''Yao''': Perfect. There's no elevator on the ship. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': You have a mate. How long you been together? :'''Rocky''': 186.3 years. :'''Ryland Grace''': It's like, the honeymoon phase. :'''Rocky''': No understand. :'''Ryland Grace''': That's a joke, Rock, it's a long time. You've been together a long time. :'''Rocky''': Is not enough. ---- :'''Rocky''': Words of encouragement. :'''Ryland Grace''': You can't just say "words of encouragement!" :'''Rocky''': Words of GREAT encouragement! ---- :'''Rocky''': We leave now, question? :'''Ryland Grace''': Leave now. Statement. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': Commander Yao, I really appreciate what you all are doing. :'''Yao''': I mean, you would do the same. :'''Ryland Grace''': I would choose just not to go at all. I don't have the bravery gene that you all have. :'''Yao''': Trust me. It's not a gene. You just need to find someone to be brave for. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': [''Whispering''] There's no way you can hear me right now. :'''Rocky''': Can hear. ---- :'''Rocky''': Dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty. Why room so messy, question? :'''Ryland Grace''': Well, I wasn't expecting company, was I? :'''Rocky''': This room for garbage? Ohh. ---- :'''Rocky''': How do you know when the hug is done? :'''Ryland Grace''': You just feel it. :'''Rocky''': Oh, are you feeling it now? :'''Ryland Grace''': Nope. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': We can't just show up in a spaceball unannounced and move into someone else's spaceship, right? There has to be boundaries. :'''Rocky''': Boundaries. :'''Ryland Grace''': We have one mission. :'''Rocky''': Mission. :'''Ryland Grace''': But we're two distinct individuals. :'''Rocky''': Individuals. :'''Ryland Grace''': Both working on our distinct, individual parts of that mission. :'''Rocky''': Mission. :'''Ryland Grac'''e: Separately. :'''Rocky''': Separately. :'''Ryland Grace''': Ok. :'''Rocky''': Where my bedroom? :'''Ryland Grace''': Bedroom? For what? ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': I need to get into orbit or we'll crash! :'''Rocky''': I have an idea. First, no crash. Then, no explode. Deal? :'''Ryland Grace''': [''Thumbs down''] Deal! ---- :'''Hardware Store Cashier''': Which government? :'''Carl''': All of them. ---- :'''Rocky: You are very brave. :'''Ryland Grace: I don't know about that. :'''Rocky''': You are bravest human I have ever met. :'''Ryland Grace''': Hey! :'''Rocky''': Is joke! :'''Ryland Grace''': I know. :'''Rocky''': I only meet one human. And it's you! :'''Ryland Grace''': I get it. :'''Rocky''': It's good joke. :'''Ryland Grace''': Good joke. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': It took, like, 200 years to figure out how bacteria works, so... :'''Eva Stratt''': Please do it faster. ---- :'''Eva Stratt''': The consensus here is that it would be preferable if you did not die. :'''Ryland Grace''': Thanks, guys. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': I'm gonna go to sleep. :'''Rocky''': Mm, no understand word. :'''Ryland Grace''': Sleep? Uh, just uh, you go like this. [''Lies down''] :'''Rocky''': [''Panicked''] D-d-died? Is died? Died? :'''Ryland Grace''': No... :'''Rocky''': No no no no no! :'''Ryland Grace''': Not died, just laying here for 29,000 seconds and then we... wake up. :'''Rocky''': Oh... understand. ---- :'''Eva Stratt''': Do you stand by what you wrote? :'''Ryland Grace''': I was fired for standing by what I wrote. :'''Eva Stratt''': You were fired for calling the leading scholar in your field a "staggering waste of carbon" at the UNESCO conference in Denmark. ---- :'''Rocky''': I thought you made peace, question? :'''Ryland Grace''': I didn't mean any of that. That's just something you say. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': [''Rreading from computer''] Fist my bump? No. It's fist bump. :'''Rocky''': [''On computer''] Is same. :'''Ryland Grace''': It's not the same. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': So, you really think all this is going to work? :'''Eva Stratt''': God willing. :'''Ryland Grace''': You believe in God? :'''Eva Stratt''': Beats the alternative. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': We have 1,009 of these Little Engines That Could on the Hail Mary, and, uh... :'''Yao''': [in Mandarin] This guy speaks like a child. :'''Eva Stratt''': [''In Mandarin'] It doesn't matter, you'll get used to it. :'''Yao''': Okay. :'''Eva Stratt''': [''Whispering''] You're doing great. :'''Ryland Grace''': [''Whispering''] What? ---- :'''Rocky''': What is Grace doing, question? :'''Ryland Grace''': [softly] I'm having a moment. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': Imagine, for a second, that you're an interstellar microorganism. :'''Carl''': I'm not doing that. ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': Carl and I made a baby. :'''Eva Stratt''': [''Over phone''] ... What? ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': You'll find a solution. :'''Eva Stratt''': You are my solution. ---- :'''Rocky''': Close the door! :'''Ryland Grace''': I thought you said it was safe! :'''Rocky''': I make door, you close door! ---- :'''Rocky''': More! No, no, no, left! Be left, more left, more left! Is perfect! No, wrong. :'''Mary''': Erratic maneuver detected. :'''Rocky''': No. Wrong way, wrong way. Wrong angle, bad, bad, bad. Good, good, good! Good! Bad, not enough, not enough. Too much, too much, too much! :'''Ryland Grace''': I'm barely pulling it! :'''Rocky''': Left, left, left! No, is bad. Grace Rocky dead. All Rocky plural, all Earth die, we die, we die. ---- :'''Rocky''': Grace look disgust when eat! :'''Ryland Grace''': How do you look when you eat? :'''Rocky''': It look beautiful! :'''Ryland Grace''': Show me. :'''Rocky''': [''Proceeds to demonstrate''] :'''Ryland Grace''': Oh my god. [''Tries not to gag''] ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': *Whispering to video log* He has incredible hearing. He can see through walls. Personal space is at a premium... :'''Rocky''': Who is Grace talking to Question? ---- :'''Rocky''': [''To recording''] Hello, Earth. Plan is like fishing. We get very close to Adrian atmosphere and lower collector into clouds with chain. Then Grace go on hull to reel it in. If ship not at precise angle and speed, we die. Example: We must fly backwards to keep proper velocity, even though Grace still have no pilot experience! :'''Ryland Grace''': Hey, I've been practicing, haven't I? ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': They seem to be... dimming the sun a tiny, teeny-weeny little bit. :'''Olivia''': So no big whoop? :'''Ryland Grace''': It's a-It's a small whoop. It's small-to-medium whoop. Over the next 30 years, the Earth could cool maybe 10 to... 15 degrees. :'''Olivia''': So it is a big whoop? ---- :'''Ryland Grace''': Did you get your free hat? :'''Eva Stratt''': Yeah I k-I kind of bought them? ==Taglines== * Believe in the Hail Mary ==Cast== * [[w:Ryan Gosling|Ryland Grace]] - Ryland Grace * [[w:Sandra Hüller|Sandra Hüller]] - Eva Stratt * [[w:James Ortiz|James Ortiz]] - Rocky * [[w:Lionel Boyce|Lionel Boyce]] - Carl * [[w:Milana Vayntrub|Milana Vayntrub]] - Olesya Ilyukhina * [[w:Ken Leung|Ken Leung]] - Yao * [[w:Priya Kansara|Priya Kansara]] - Mary(voice) * [[w:Mia Soteriou|Mia Soteriou]] - Dr. Browne * Annelle Olaleye - Olivia * Maya Eva Hosein - Rekha * Bastian Antonio Fuentes - Parker ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} * {{IMDb title|id=12042730|title=Project Hail Mary}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=project_hail_mary|title=Galaxy Quest}} [[Category:2026 films]] [[Category:2020s American films]] [[Category:Space adventure films]] [[Category:Action science fiction films]] [[Category:Films about extraterrestrial life]] lrsnv2jvs3advz9tlaqm0rybei94c2f 0 307412 3944659 3943509 2026-05-23T23:58:20Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 /* Interviews */ 3944659 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} '''[[w:Tony Molina|Tony Molina]]''' is an American musician and singer-songwriter from Millbrae, California. == Lyrics == *I need some help<br>Can you look inside my brain?<br>Tell me if I'm going insane<br>Cause I'm feelin' kinda strange all the time **"Look Inside My Brain," from the [[w:Ovens (band)|Ovens]] compilation album *The more that you change<br>The more I stay the same<br>It's always gonna be that way **"Been Here Before," from ''[[w:Songs from San Mateo County|Songs from San Mateo County]]'' == Interviews == * I’m not someone who can write a song about surfing or having pizza parties or whatever other fools do. ** Interview with ''Since I Left You'', 2023<ref name="sily">{{cite web |last=Mainzer |first=Jordan |title=The Lost Days Interview: 8-Track Document |url=https://sinceileftyoublog.tumblr.com/post/712043997635493888/the-lost-days-interview-8-track-document |website=Since I Left You |date=17 March 2023 |access-date=16 May 2026}}</ref> *The whole album [''[[w:In the Store|In the Store]]''] is about [[w:Alcoholism|alcoholism]] and from the perspective of someone who sees the world through an alcoholic lens. The thing about alcoholics is that we have a lot in common and share similar stories and experiences. So I was touching on some things from my personal life that I think are super common among others who live a similar life. From the darkest points of addiction, struggling with recovery, and chronic relapse, to the [[w:Paranoia|paranoia]] and [[w:Anxiety|anxiety]] that comes from withdrawal. As a person in recovery, I felt like I needed to document these things at the time when I was going through it. ** ibid.<ref name="sily" /> *I think the older I get the more I appreciate lyrics. But what I’m mostly drawn to is melody and instrumentation. When lyrics are good, it’s great, but it’s never been my main focus, it’s always been an afterthought. **''Allmusic'' Interview, 2018<ref name="allmusic">{{cite web |last=Steffen |first=Chris |title=Tony Molina, Master of Short Songs, Explains Why Melody Is King |url=https://www.allmusic.com/blog/post/tony-molina-interview/ |date=July 27, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026 }}</ref> *I don’t write songs about my personal life or anything like that. Mostly I don’t. It’s really uncomfortable to do, so I’ve never even really attempted it that much, it’s much easier to come up with some simple thing that doesn’t apply to me and make that the song. Sometimes when I look back on stuff like that, I think, “All these songs are about a breakup,” but I’m not going through a breakup, I’m not losing people, my life is pretty good. ** ibid.<ref name="allmusic" /> *When I was drinking, bad music would find its way into my life. **Yellow Green Red Interview<ref name="ygr">{{cite web |title=Worst Song #2 – Tony Molina |url=https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 |website=YELLOW GREEN RED |date=May 4, 2026 |access-date=May 23, 2026 }}</ref> *I still play the exact same kind of music now as I did as a child...I don’t think I was born from any scene...The ‘hardcore guy finds sensitive side’ angle that people tried to pull in the past doesn’t apply to me. It’s also corny and not interesting. **''[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice Magazine]]'' Interview, 2018<ref name="vice-2018">{{cite web |last=Joyce |first=Colin |title=Tony Molina’s New Album Is a Low-Key Ripper, Like the Man Himself |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-kill-the-lights-interview-stream/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=July 23, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> *I am still wildly uncomfortable with releasing music to the public but I try to shut that off, especially when my friends are so supportive of whatever music I am working on, it kind of convinces me that it is decent or listenable enough to put out there...I usually leave it up to other people to decide. I am perfectly OK with and used to shelving recordings and never releasing them.” **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I honestly don’t give a care about lyrics when it comes to writing songs. **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I’ve always done both [solo and bands]. It seems pretty boring to just do one thing. **Vice Magazine interview, 2014<ref name="vice">{{cite web |last=Pessaro |first=Fred |title=Tony Molina May Be A Sensitive Guy, but He Still Wants To Beat You Down |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-interview/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=April 14, 2014 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> == Reference List == {{wikipedia}} {{reflist}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Molina, Tony}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Power pop]] nduz37io1duusn0kq6iemmixno4po6m 3944660 3944659 2026-05-24T00:01:20Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 /* Interviews */ 3944660 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} '''[[w:Tony Molina|Tony Molina]]''' is an American musician and singer-songwriter from Millbrae, California. == Lyrics == *I need some help<br>Can you look inside my brain?<br>Tell me if I'm going insane<br>Cause I'm feelin' kinda strange all the time **"Look Inside My Brain," from the [[w:Ovens (band)|Ovens]] compilation album *The more that you change<br>The more I stay the same<br>It's always gonna be that way **"Been Here Before," from ''[[w:Songs from San Mateo County|Songs from San Mateo County]]'' == Interviews == * I’m not someone who can write a song about surfing or having pizza parties or whatever other fools do. ** Interview with ''Since I Left You'', 2023<ref name="sily">{{cite web |last=Mainzer |first=Jordan |title=The Lost Days Interview: 8-Track Document |url=https://sinceileftyoublog.tumblr.com/post/712043997635493888/the-lost-days-interview-8-track-document |website=Since I Left You |date=17 March 2023 |access-date=16 May 2026}}</ref> *The whole album [''[[w:In the Store|In the Store]]''] is about [[w:Alcoholism|alcoholism]] and from the perspective of someone who sees the world through an alcoholic lens. The thing about alcoholics is that we have a lot in common and share similar stories and experiences. So I was touching on some things from my personal life that I think are super common among others who live a similar life. From the darkest points of addiction, struggling with recovery, and chronic relapse, to the [[w:Paranoia|paranoia]] and [[w:Anxiety|anxiety]] that comes from withdrawal. As a person in recovery, I felt like I needed to document these things at the time when I was going through it. ** ibid.<ref name="sily" /> *I think the older I get the more I appreciate lyrics. But what I’m mostly drawn to is melody and instrumentation. When lyrics are good, it’s great, but it’s never been my main focus, it’s always been an afterthought. **''Allmusic'' Interview, 2018<ref name="allmusic">{{cite web |last=Steffen |first=Chris |title=Tony Molina, Master of Short Songs, Explains Why Melody Is King |url=https://www.allmusic.com/blog/post/tony-molina-interview/ |date=July 27, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026 }}</ref> *I don’t write songs about my personal life or anything like that. Mostly I don’t. It’s really uncomfortable to do, so I’ve never even really attempted it that much, it’s much easier to come up with some simple thing that doesn’t apply to me and make that the song. Sometimes when I look back on stuff like that, I think, “All these songs are about a breakup,” but I’m not going through a breakup, I’m not losing people, my life is pretty good. ** ibid.<ref name="allmusic" /> *When I was drinking, bad music would find its way into my life. **Yellow Green Red Interview<ref name="ygr">{{cite web |title=Worst Song #2 – Tony Molina |url=https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 |website=YELLOW GREEN RED |date=May 4, 2026 |access-date=May 23, 2026 }}</ref> *I was real faded and very sick in all aspects when this song ["No One Told He"] came about. I think at the time in my barely-functioning, cooked-ass brain I thought I was doing some kind of ‘68 Beatles / George Harrison nod with this one. Now in 2026, I have the mental clarity to realize that this song is more of a nightmare early ’70s soft rock AM radio, Crosby Stills & Nash, barefoot-bearded guy, CIA plant, hanging in the Canyon asshole nightmare song from hell. Basically everything gross, swagless and bad is front and center in this song. **On his song "No One Told He"<ref name="ygr" /> *I still play the exact same kind of music now as I did as a child...I don’t think I was born from any scene...The ‘hardcore guy finds sensitive side’ angle that people tried to pull in the past doesn’t apply to me. It’s also corny and not interesting. **''[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice Magazine]]'' Interview, 2018<ref name="vice-2018">{{cite web |last=Joyce |first=Colin |title=Tony Molina’s New Album Is a Low-Key Ripper, Like the Man Himself |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-kill-the-lights-interview-stream/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=July 23, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> *I am still wildly uncomfortable with releasing music to the public but I try to shut that off, especially when my friends are so supportive of whatever music I am working on, it kind of convinces me that it is decent or listenable enough to put out there...I usually leave it up to other people to decide. I am perfectly OK with and used to shelving recordings and never releasing them.” **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I honestly don’t give a care about lyrics when it comes to writing songs. **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I’ve always done both [solo and bands]. It seems pretty boring to just do one thing. **Vice Magazine interview, 2014<ref name="vice">{{cite web |last=Pessaro |first=Fred |title=Tony Molina May Be A Sensitive Guy, but He Still Wants To Beat You Down |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-interview/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=April 14, 2014 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> == Reference List == {{wikipedia}} {{reflist}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Molina, Tony}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Power pop]] o8k8k9xrbysm0hhrr53acgcu3sqtd0t 3944662 3944660 2026-05-24T00:04:19Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 /* Interviews */ 3944662 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} '''[[w:Tony Molina|Tony Molina]]''' is an American musician and singer-songwriter from Millbrae, California. == Lyrics == *I need some help<br>Can you look inside my brain?<br>Tell me if I'm going insane<br>Cause I'm feelin' kinda strange all the time **"Look Inside My Brain," from the [[w:Ovens (band)|Ovens]] compilation album *The more that you change<br>The more I stay the same<br>It's always gonna be that way **"Been Here Before," from ''[[w:Songs from San Mateo County|Songs from San Mateo County]]'' == Interviews == * I’m not someone who can write a song about surfing or having pizza parties or whatever other fools do. ** Interview with ''Since I Left You'', 2023<ref name="sily">{{cite web |last=Mainzer |first=Jordan |title=The Lost Days Interview: 8-Track Document |url=https://sinceileftyoublog.tumblr.com/post/712043997635493888/the-lost-days-interview-8-track-document |website=Since I Left You |date=17 March 2023 |access-date=16 May 2026}}</ref> *The whole album [''[[w:In the Store|In the Store]]''] is about [[w:Alcoholism|alcoholism]] and from the perspective of someone who sees the world through an alcoholic lens. The thing about alcoholics is that we have a lot in common and share similar stories and experiences. So I was touching on some things from my personal life that I think are super common among others who live a similar life. From the darkest points of addiction, struggling with recovery, and chronic relapse, to the [[w:Paranoia|paranoia]] and [[w:Anxiety|anxiety]] that comes from withdrawal. As a person in recovery, I felt like I needed to document these things at the time when I was going through it. ** ibid.<ref name="sily" /> *I think the older I get the more I appreciate lyrics. But what I’m mostly drawn to is melody and instrumentation. When lyrics are good, it’s great, but it’s never been my main focus, it’s always been an afterthought. **''Allmusic'' Interview, 2018<ref name="allmusic">{{cite web |last=Steffen |first=Chris |title=Tony Molina, Master of Short Songs, Explains Why Melody Is King |url=https://www.allmusic.com/blog/post/tony-molina-interview/ |date=July 27, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026 }}</ref> *I don’t write songs about my personal life or anything like that. Mostly I don’t. It’s really uncomfortable to do, so I’ve never even really attempted it that much, it’s much easier to come up with some simple thing that doesn’t apply to me and make that the song. Sometimes when I look back on stuff like that, I think, “All these songs are about a breakup,” but I’m not going through a breakup, I’m not losing people, my life is pretty good. ** ibid.<ref name="allmusic" /> *When I was drinking, bad music would find its way into my life. **Yellow Green Red Interview<ref name="ygr">{{cite web |title=Worst Song #2 – Tony Molina |url=https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 |website=YELLOW GREEN RED |date=May 4, 2026 |access-date=May 23, 2026 }}</ref> *I was real faded and very sick in all aspects when this song ["No One Told He"] came about. I think at the time in my barely-functioning, cooked-ass brain I thought I was doing some kind of ‘68 Beatles / George Harrison nod with this one. Now in 2026, I have the mental clarity to realize that this song is more of a nightmare early ’70s soft rock AM radio, Crosby Stills & Nash, barefoot-bearded guy, CIA plant, hanging in the Canyon asshole nightmare song from hell. Basically everything gross, swagless and bad is front and center in this song. **On his song "No One Told He"<ref name="ygr" /> *I still play the exact same kind of music now as I did as a child...I don’t think I was born from any scene...The ‘hardcore guy finds sensitive side’ angle that people tried to pull in the past doesn’t apply to me. It’s also corny and not interesting. **''[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice Magazine]]'' Interview, 2018<ref name="vice-2018">{{cite web |last=Joyce |first=Colin |title=Tony Molina’s New Album Is a Low-Key Ripper, Like the Man Himself |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-kill-the-lights-interview-stream/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=July 23, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> *I am still wildly uncomfortable with releasing music to the public but I try to shut that off, especially when my friends are so supportive of whatever music I am working on, it kind of convinces me that it is decent or listenable enough to put out there...I usually leave it up to other people to decide. I am perfectly OK with and used to shelving recordings and never releasing them.” **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I honestly don’t give a care about lyrics when it comes to writing songs. **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I’ve always done both [solo and bands]. It seems pretty boring to just do one thing. **Vice Magazine interview, 2014<ref name="vice">{{cite web |last=Pessaro |first=Fred |title=Tony Molina May Be A Sensitive Guy, but He Still Wants To Beat You Down |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-interview/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=April 14, 2014 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> *I think the first thing is understanding that [[Mark Zuckerberg]], [[Elon Musk]], the Spotify slimebag, [[w:Jack Dorsey|Jack Dorsey]], and any / all of these techie gentrifier colonizer pigs are true scum of the earth that do not have anyone’s best interest in mind. They one-hundred percent are trying to keep you addicted, manipulated and powerless, they will rob you of your dignity and integrity, strip you of your desire for honest and true self-expression, condition you to prioritize capital instead of the spiritual value of art. They will condition you to publicly log your character defects to the world, they will erase and wipe out real culture and replace it with swagless garbage, they will make your band suck ass and you will be spending your days thinking of ways to sell the shitty record you made to the public instead of writing real songs; they will sell you garbage and essentially give you brain disease for the rest of your natural life. Nobody needs it for anything, especially your band. **on social media, from a Yellow Green Red interview<ref name="ygr" /> == Reference List == {{wikipedia}} {{reflist}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Molina, Tony}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Power pop]] 94sqzeziaudun3sm870e95museav14t 3944677 3944662 2026-05-24T00:36:03Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 /* Interviews */ 3944677 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} '''[[w:Tony Molina|Tony Molina]]''' is an American musician and singer-songwriter from Millbrae, California. == Lyrics == *I need some help<br>Can you look inside my brain?<br>Tell me if I'm going insane<br>Cause I'm feelin' kinda strange all the time **"Look Inside My Brain," from the [[w:Ovens (band)|Ovens]] compilation album *The more that you change<br>The more I stay the same<br>It's always gonna be that way **"Been Here Before," from ''[[w:Songs from San Mateo County|Songs from San Mateo County]]'' == Interviews == * I’m not someone who can write a song about surfing or having pizza parties or whatever other fools do. ** Interview with ''Since I Left You'', 2023<ref name="sily">{{cite web |last=Mainzer |first=Jordan |title=The Lost Days Interview: 8-Track Document |url=https://sinceileftyoublog.tumblr.com/post/712043997635493888/the-lost-days-interview-8-track-document |website=Since I Left You |date=17 March 2023 |access-date=16 May 2026}}</ref> *The whole album [''[[w:In the Store|In the Store]]''] is about [[w:Alcoholism|alcoholism]] and from the perspective of someone who sees the world through an alcoholic lens. The thing about alcoholics is that we have a lot in common and share similar stories and experiences. So I was touching on some things from my personal life that I think are super common among others who live a similar life. From the darkest points of addiction, struggling with recovery, and chronic relapse, to the [[w:Paranoia|paranoia]] and [[w:Anxiety|anxiety]] that comes from withdrawal. As a person in recovery, I felt like I needed to document these things at the time when I was going through it. ** ibid.<ref name="sily" /> *I think the older I get the more I appreciate lyrics. But what I’m mostly drawn to is melody and instrumentation. When lyrics are good, it’s great, but it’s never been my main focus, it’s always been an afterthought. **''Allmusic'' Interview, 2018<ref name="allmusic">{{cite web |last=Steffen |first=Chris |title=Tony Molina, Master of Short Songs, Explains Why Melody Is King |url=https://www.allmusic.com/blog/post/tony-molina-interview/ |date=July 27, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026 }}</ref> *I don’t write songs about my personal life or anything like that. Mostly I don’t. It’s really uncomfortable to do, so I’ve never even really attempted it that much, it’s much easier to come up with some simple thing that doesn’t apply to me and make that the song. Sometimes when I look back on stuff like that, I think, “All these songs are about a breakup,” but I’m not going through a breakup, I’m not losing people, my life is pretty good. ** ibid.<ref name="allmusic" /> *When I was drinking, bad music would find its way into my life. **Yellow Green Red Interview<ref name="ygr">{{cite web |title=Worst Song #2 – Tony Molina |url=https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 |website=YELLOW GREEN RED |date=May 4, 2026 |access-date=May 23, 2026 }}</ref> *I quit [[social media]] for good in 2016, so those two things – being offline and [[sobriety]] – restored my overall focus, taste, ability, work ethic, and I also got more serious about record collecting and digging deeper and educating myself on music more than making music myself, all those things times ten. It’s like night and day, the difference. **ibid<ref name="ygr" /> *I was real faded and very sick in all aspects when this song ["No One Told He"] came about. I think at the time in my barely-functioning, cooked-ass brain I thought I was doing some kind of ‘68 Beatles / George Harrison nod with this one. Now in 2026, I have the mental clarity to realize that this song is more of a nightmare early ’70s soft rock AM radio, Crosby Stills & Nash, barefoot-bearded guy, CIA plant, hanging in the Canyon asshole nightmare song from hell. Basically everything gross, swagless and bad is front and center in this song. **On his song "No One Told He"<ref name="ygr" /> *I still play the exact same kind of music now as I did as a child...I don’t think I was born from any scene...The ‘hardcore guy finds sensitive side’ angle that people tried to pull in the past doesn’t apply to me. It’s also corny and not interesting. **''[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice Magazine]]'' Interview, 2018<ref name="vice-2018">{{cite web |last=Joyce |first=Colin |title=Tony Molina’s New Album Is a Low-Key Ripper, Like the Man Himself |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-kill-the-lights-interview-stream/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=July 23, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> *I am still wildly uncomfortable with releasing music to the public but I try to shut that off, especially when my friends are so supportive of whatever music I am working on, it kind of convinces me that it is decent or listenable enough to put out there...I usually leave it up to other people to decide. I am perfectly OK with and used to shelving recordings and never releasing them.” **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I honestly don’t give a care about lyrics when it comes to writing songs. **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I’ve always done both [solo and bands]. It seems pretty boring to just do one thing. **Vice Magazine interview, 2014<ref name="vice">{{cite web |last=Pessaro |first=Fred |title=Tony Molina May Be A Sensitive Guy, but He Still Wants To Beat You Down |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-interview/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=April 14, 2014 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> *I think the first thing is understanding that [[Mark Zuckerberg]], [[Elon Musk]], the Spotify slimebag, [[w:Jack Dorsey|Jack Dorsey]], and any / all of these techie gentrifier colonizer pigs are true scum of the earth that do not have anyone’s best interest in mind. They one-hundred percent are trying to keep you addicted, manipulated and powerless, they will rob you of your dignity and integrity, strip you of your desire for honest and true self-expression, condition you to prioritize capital instead of the spiritual value of art. They will condition you to publicly log your character defects to the world, they will erase and wipe out real culture and replace it with swagless garbage, they will make your band suck ass and you will be spending your days thinking of ways to sell the shitty record you made to the public instead of writing real songs; they will sell you garbage and essentially give you brain disease for the rest of your natural life. Nobody needs it for anything, especially your band. **on social media, from a Yellow Green Red interview<ref name="ygr" /> == Reference List == {{wikipedia}} {{reflist}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Molina, Tony}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Power pop]] csmso613fsgernxwmykugai9w3wlcyj 3944680 3944677 2026-05-24T00:43:00Z ElektraFlowers 3310814 /* Interviews */ 3944680 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} '''[[w:Tony Molina|Tony Molina]]''' is an American musician and singer-songwriter from Millbrae, California. == Lyrics == *I need some help<br>Can you look inside my brain?<br>Tell me if I'm going insane<br>Cause I'm feelin' kinda strange all the time **"Look Inside My Brain," from the [[w:Ovens (band)|Ovens]] compilation album *The more that you change<br>The more I stay the same<br>It's always gonna be that way **"Been Here Before," from ''[[w:Songs from San Mateo County|Songs from San Mateo County]]'' == Interviews == * I’m not someone who can write a song about surfing or having pizza parties or whatever other fools do. ** Interview with ''Since I Left You'', 2023<ref name="sily">{{cite web |last=Mainzer |first=Jordan |title=The Lost Days Interview: 8-Track Document |url=https://sinceileftyoublog.tumblr.com/post/712043997635493888/the-lost-days-interview-8-track-document |website=Since I Left You |date=17 March 2023 |access-date=16 May 2026}}</ref> *The whole album [''[[w:In the Store|In the Store]]''] is about [[w:Alcoholism|alcoholism]] and from the perspective of someone who sees the world through an alcoholic lens. The thing about alcoholics is that we have a lot in common and share similar stories and experiences. So I was touching on some things from my personal life that I think are super common among others who live a similar life. From the darkest points of addiction, struggling with recovery, and chronic relapse, to the [[w:Paranoia|paranoia]] and [[w:Anxiety|anxiety]] that comes from withdrawal. As a person in recovery, I felt like I needed to document these things at the time when I was going through it. ** ibid.<ref name="sily" /> *I think the older I get the more I appreciate lyrics. But what I’m mostly drawn to is melody and instrumentation. When lyrics are good, it’s great, but it’s never been my main focus, it’s always been an afterthought. **''Allmusic'' Interview, 2018<ref name="allmusic">{{cite web |last=Steffen |first=Chris |title=Tony Molina, Master of Short Songs, Explains Why Melody Is King |url=https://www.allmusic.com/blog/post/tony-molina-interview/ |date=July 27, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026 }}</ref> *I don’t write songs about my personal life or anything like that. Mostly I don’t. It’s really uncomfortable to do, so I’ve never even really attempted it that much, it’s much easier to come up with some simple thing that doesn’t apply to me and make that the song. Sometimes when I look back on stuff like that, I think, “All these songs are about a breakup,” but I’m not going through a breakup, I’m not losing people, my life is pretty good. ** ibid.<ref name="allmusic" /> *When I was drinking, bad music would find its way into my life. **Yellow Green Red Interview<ref name="ygr">{{cite web |title=Worst Song #2 – Tony Molina |url=https://www.yellowgreenred.com/?p=15955 |website=YELLOW GREEN RED |date=May 4, 2026 |access-date=May 23, 2026 }}</ref> *I quit [[social media]] for good in 2016, so those two things – being offline and [[sobriety]] – restored my overall focus, taste, ability, work ethic, and I also got more serious about record collecting and digging deeper and educating myself on music more than making music myself, all those things times ten. It’s like night and day, the difference. **ibid<ref name="ygr" /> *I was real faded and very sick in all aspects when this song ["No One Told He"] came about. I think at the time in my barely-functioning, cooked-ass brain I thought I was doing some kind of ‘68 Beatles / George Harrison nod with this one. Now in 2026, I have the mental clarity to realize that this song is more of a nightmare early ’70s soft rock AM radio, Crosby Stills & Nash, barefoot-bearded guy, CIA plant, hanging in the Canyon asshole nightmare song from hell. Basically everything gross, swagless and bad is front and center in this song. **On his song "No One Told He"<ref name="ygr" /> *I still play the exact same kind of music now as I did as a child...I don’t think I was born from any scene...The ‘hardcore guy finds sensitive side’ angle that people tried to pull in the past doesn’t apply to me. It’s also corny and not interesting. **''[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice Magazine]]'' Interview, 2018<ref name="vice-2018">{{cite web |last=Joyce |first=Colin |title=Tony Molina’s New Album Is a Low-Key Ripper, Like the Man Himself |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-kill-the-lights-interview-stream/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=July 23, 2018 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> *I am still wildly uncomfortable with releasing music to the public but I try to shut that off, especially when my friends are so supportive of whatever music I am working on, it kind of convinces me that it is decent or listenable enough to put out there...I usually leave it up to other people to decide. I am perfectly OK with and used to shelving recordings and never releasing them.” **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I honestly don’t give a care about lyrics when it comes to writing songs. **ibid.<ref name="vice-2018" /> *I’ve always done both [solo and bands]. It seems pretty boring to just do one thing. **Vice Magazine interview, 2014<ref name="vice">{{cite web |last=Pessaro |first=Fred |title=Tony Molina May Be A Sensitive Guy, but He Still Wants To Beat You Down |url=https://www.vice.com/en/article/tony-molina-interview/ |website=[[w:Vice (magazine)|Vice]] |date=April 14, 2014 |access-date=May 17, 2026}}</ref> *I think the first thing is understanding that [[Mark Zuckerberg]], [[Elon Musk]], the Spotify slimebag, [[w:Jack Dorsey|Jack Dorsey]], and any / all of these techie gentrifier colonizer pigs are true scum of the earth that do not have anyone’s best interest in mind. They one-hundred percent are trying to keep you addicted, manipulated and powerless, they will rob you of your dignity and integrity, strip you of your desire for honest and true self-expression, condition you to prioritize capital instead of the spiritual value of art. They will condition you to publicly log your character defects to the world, they will erase and wipe out real culture and replace it with swagless garbage, they will make your band suck ass and you will be spending your days thinking of ways to sell the shitty record you made to the public instead of writing real songs; they will sell you garbage and essentially give you brain disease for the rest of your natural life. Nobody needs it for anything, especially your band. **on [[social media]], from a Yellow Green Red interview<ref name="ygr" /> == Reference List == {{wikipedia}} {{reflist}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Molina, Tony}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Power pop]] c4mj12u1v4p444u8vvmd85ez6p7cls4 0 307522 3944564 3943293 2026-05-23T18:50:08Z ~2026-30679-38 3328278 added quote 3944564 wikitext text/x-wiki Hannah Lew is a singer-songwriter from [[w:San Francisco|San Francisco, California]]. She has written and performed with [[w:Grass Widow|Grass Widow]] and her solo project, [[w:Cold Beat|Cold Beat]]. == Interviews == *My advice to a woman starting out would be to find friends who have a similar belief system as you and just play! Ability has very little to do with being in a band. Everyone gets good at their instruments by playing with other people. Most of what being in a band is functioning on pure belief and genuine love for what you are making, outside of any external influence. **NPR Interview<ref name="npr" /> *If you ever can’t sleep, just write an album. **Spin Interview<ref name="spin" /> *You’d think humans could just look at themselves once in the mirror and then never have to look again, because we know what we look like. We’re constantly interfacing and being like, ‘Who is that?' **ibid. == References == {{Reflist|refs= * <ref name="spin">{{cite magazine |title=Cold Beat Dodges the Ghosts of San Francisco, Dives Into Surf-Kissed Post-Punk |url=https://www.spin.com/2014/07/cold-beat-hannah-lew-san-francisco-interview/ |magazine=Spin |date=July 2014 |accessdate=April 11, 2026}}</ref> * <ref name="npr">{{cite web |url=https://legacy.npr.org/buckets/music/women/artist.php?artistId=69 |title=Hannah Lew, Grass Widow |website=NPR |access-date=April 8, 2026 |ref={{sfnref|NPR}} }}</ref> }} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lew, Hannah}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish songwriters]] [[Category:Dream pop]] [[Category:Power pop]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from San Francisco]] fpf33lzu5r18vq1mypbjbuq5p40ou1y 0 307579 3944759 3943848 2026-05-24T07:28:54Z Мит Сколов 2885624 3944759 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Bruce Mazlish|Bruce Mazlish]]''' (September 15, 1923 – November 27, 2016) was an American historian. {{historian-stub}} ==About Mazlish== * ...Another thing that he taught me was that such achievements—or shifts in consciousness, as he liked to call them—do not happen by accident. People must be persuaded. They are often won over less by what one pushes them to understand than by how persuasion is done. ** [[d:Q139447198|Kenneth Weisbrode]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/kenneth-weisbrode-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mazlish, Bruce }} [[Category:1923 births]] cvuauzcgubpovx3b5hi59l31ij8sj5z 3944760 3944759 2026-05-24T07:29:08Z Мит Сколов 2885624 Undid revision [[Special:Diff/3944759|3944759]] by [[Special:Contributions/Мит Сколов|Мит Сколов]] ([[User talk:Мит Сколов|talk]]) 3944760 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Olimpia Lombardi|Olimpia Lombardi]]''' (born 16 March 1960) is an Argentine philosopher of science. {{philosopher-stub}} ==Quotes== * In fact, the philosophy of science in the 20th century was almost entirely modelled on physics, so that the peculiarities of physics came to be conceived as characteristics of science itself. Chemistry and its philosophy clearly show that, on the contrary, there are many different ways of doing science. For example, in chemistry, models play a more prominent role than laws; laboratory practice is an activity that can hardly be separated from theoretical reflection, among other peculiarities. ** [https://www.jargonium.com/post/jargonium-asks-with-olimpia-lombardi "Jargonium Asks ... Olimpia Lombardi"], ''Jargonium'' (June 2023) == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lombardi, Olimpia}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:1960 births]] [[Category:Philosophers from Argentina]] [[Category:Women academics from Argentina]] [[Category:Women born in the 1960s]] nb6v2i47tnrh7lfm7qd7pe3jlixv9j0 0 307625 3944511 3944198 2026-05-23T15:38:31Z ~2026-30555-31 3327523 /* Interviews */ 3944511 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alessio Figalli.jpg|thumb|Alessio Figalli]] '''[[w:Alessio Figalli|Alessio Figalli]]''' is an Italian [[w:mathematician|mathematician]] working primarily on the [[w:calculus of variations|calculus of variations]] and [[w:partial differential equation|partial differential equation]]s. He was awarded the Peccot-Vimont Prize and the [[w:Peccot Lectures|Peccot Lectures]] in 2012, the [[w:EMS Prize|EMS Prize]] in 2012, the [[w:Stampacchia Medal|Stampacchia Medal]] in 2015, the [[w:Feltrinelli Prize|Feltrinelli Prize]] in 2017, and the [[w:Fields Medal|Fields Medal]] in 2018. He was an [[w:list of International Congresses of Mathematicians Plenary and Invited Speakers|invited speaker at the International Congress of Mathematicians]] 2014. ==Quotes== ===Interviews=== :'''<small>From an interview by Alessio Sgherza, ''[https://rep.repubblica.it/pwa/intervista/2018/08/01/news/_io_dalle_olimpiadi_della_matematica_alla_medaglia_fields_alessio_figalli_si_racconta_a_repubblica-203133494/ “Così ho vinto il 'Nobel' della matematica”]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 1 August 2018</small>''' *In my view, the main problem with mathematics is that there are many preconceptions; people think it is a dry subject that has remained unchanged since [[Euclid]]’s time. In reality, it is an extremely dynamic discipline; indeed, it has never been as dynamic as it has been over the last 30 years, and it has applications in many areas of everyday life. *Fundamental discoveries such as radio and television were made thanks to theoretical studies that had existed in mathematics for over a hundred years. There is applied mathematics, which seeks to get straight to the point, and then there is theoretical mathematics, which may seem abstract, almost philosophical, but has applications that one cannot even imagine at the time of discovery. *(Regarding [[w:Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel|Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel]])There is a hotel with an infinite number of rooms: 1, 2, 3… An infinite number of guests arrive and fill all the rooms. Then another person arrives, but you’ve filled all the rooms. What do you do? You tell the person in room 1 to go to room 2, the one in room 2 to room 3, and so on. And you’ve freed up a room: infinity plus one is always infinity. Do more infinite guests arrive? The same mechanism no longer works, because you would never finish freeing up rooms in a chain reaction. So you move the person in room 1 to room 2, from 2 to 4, from 3 to 6 and so on. This way you have infinite free rooms (because odd numbers are infinite) and you can let all the new guests in – everyone has a room. *I didn’t leave because Italy didn’t want me. In my case, other countries offered me opportunities much sooner than anyone could have imagined. I applied for a research post in France in my first year of my PhD and they took me on. Doors opened up for me and I took advantage of them. I found myself becoming a citizen of the world more by chance than by design. :'''small>''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/18_agosto_02/alessio-figalli-fare-calcoli-creativo-tornare-casa-chissa-6e52f702-95ca-11e8-819d-89f988769835.shtml Il Nobel Figalli: "La matematica è creativa. Tornare a casa? Chissà."]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 18 August 202</small>''' *Un evento molto importante per me sono state le Olimpiadi della Matematica durante gli ultimi anni del liceo. Risolvendo gli esercizi mi divertivo, era un passatempo piacevole e mi dava un forte stimolo nello studiare di più. :*A very important event for me was the Maths Olympiad during my final years at sixth form. I enjoyed solving the problems; it was a pleasant pastime and gave me a real incentive to study harder. *Quando ormai mi vedevo ben inserito nel sistema e nella vita francese visitai l’Università del Texas, a Austin. Mostrarono interesse nei miei confronti e mi proposero di fare il docente. L’idea di viverci qualche anno mi sembrò interessante e accettai. :*By the time I felt I had settled in well within the French system and way of life, I visited the University of Texas in Austin. They showed an interest in me and offered me a teaching post. The idea of living there for a few years appealed to me, so I accepted. *Durante il periodo scolastico abbiamo una visione della matematica come di una materia arida, fatta di regole fisse e immutabili. È assolutamente falso. Il matematico è una persona creativa che cerca di trovare una soluzione a problemi concreti. Basti pensare che senza gli studi matematici degli ultimi 150 anni non avremmo gli mp3, i Gps, la tv, la crittografia per i bancomat, i motori di ricerca come Google, la Tac, le risonanze magnetiche. :*During our school years we tend to view mathematics as a dry subject, consisting of fixed and unchanging rules. This is completely untrue. A mathematician is a creative person who seeks to find solutions to real-world problems. Just think: without the mathematical research of the last 150 years, we wouldn’t have MP3s, GPS, TV, encryption for cash machines, search engines like Google, CT scans or MRI scans. *Ho intrapreso la carriera universitaria perché mi dà la libertà di una ricerca pura e ora mi posso concede il lusso di lavorare su un problema per vari anni e ottenere il miglior risultato possibile. Il mio campo era il trasporto ottimale che teorizza il modo più economico di trasportare una distribuzione di massa da un luogo all’altro; un tema che ha applicazioni in problemi di natura economica e in tanti altri campi compresa la meteorologia migliorando le previsioni. :*I chose an academic career because it gives me the freedom to pursue pure research, and now I can afford the luxury of working on a problem for several years to achieve the best possible result. My field was optimal transport, which theorises the most economical way to transport a mass distribution from one place to another; a subject that has applications in economic problems and in many other fields, including meteorology, where it helps improve forecasts. :'''<small>From an interview by Eleonora Chioda, ''[https://www.corriere.it/economia/meravigliosamente/26_maggio_21/alessio-figalli-che-ha-dimostrato-il-movimento-delle-nuvole-la-matematica-e-una-vita-di-fallimenti-va-accettato-ai-ragazzi-non.shtml Alessio Figalli, che ha dimostrato il movimento delle nuvole: «La matematica insegna a fallire. Ai ragazzi non dite mai più "Non sei portato"»]'', ''Corirere della Sera'', 26 May 2021</smal>''' *In un mondo in cui tutto è imprevedibile, la matematica dà pace. Ha in sé qualcosa di eterno, perché una volta che un teorema è dimostrato, lo è per sempre. È una disciplina creativa e in continua evoluzione. :*'''In a world where everything is unpredictable, mathematics brings peace of mind. There is something eternal about it, because once a theorem has been proven, it remains so forever. It is a creative and ever-evolving discipline.''' *La natura in qualche modo tende a seguire un percorso matematico. :*Nature tends, in a way, to follow a mathematical path. *Quella del matematico è una vita fatta di fallimenti e di problemi non risolti. Ed è lì che impari. Devi imparare a convivere con il fallimento. :*A mathematician’s life is one of failures and unsolved problems. And that is where you learn. You have to learn to live with failure. *Per me era un gioco intellettuale. Mi divertiva provare a risolvere i problemi. È lì che ho scoperto una cosa che non immaginavo: la matematica era creativa. E soprattutto era divertente. Mi sono iscritto a matematica alla Normale di Pisa senza avere davvero chiaro dove stessi andando o cosa volesse dire fare il matematico. La mia carriera non è stata dettata da scelte ponderate… :*For me, it was an intellectual game. I enjoyed trying to solve problems. That’s when I discovered something I’d never imagined: maths was creative. And above all, it was fun. I enrolled in the maths course at the [[w:Scuola Normale Superiore|Normale in Pisa]] without really knowing where I was heading or what it meant to be a mathematician. My career hasn’t been shaped by carefully considered choices… *Le grandi scoperte spesso nascono per amore della conoscenza. Perché qualcuno si interessa in maniera astratta a un problema, che poi solo dopo diventa il centro di molte applicazioni concrete. :*Great discoveries often arise out of a love of knowledge. Because someone takes an abstract interest in a problem, which only later becomes the focus of many practical applications. *[Matematica pura] significa costruire gli strumenti che permettono poi di capire se un modello funziona davvero: quando un’equazione descrive bene un fenomeno, quanto è stabile una soluzione, quanto ci si può fidare di una simulazione. :**[Pure mathematics] involves developing the tools that enable us to determine whether a model actually works: whether an equation accurately describes a phenomenon, how stable a solution is, and how reliable a simulation is. *Le persone pensano: c’è un’equazione, la metti in un computer e il computer la risolve. No, non funziona così. Dietro una simulazione climatica, un modello fisico o un sistema di intelligenza artificiale serve prima una teoria matematica robusta. Il computer può produrre simulazioni bellissime. Ma magari sono completamente sbagliate. :*People think: there’s an equation, you put it into a computer and the computer solves it. No, it doesn’t work like that. Behind a climate simulation, a physical model or an artificial intelligence system, there must first be a robust mathematical theory. The computer can produce stunning simulations. But they might be completely wrong. *Devi imparare a convivere con il fallimento, cambiare prospettiva davanti a un problema oppure semplicemente accettare che non ci riesci. A scuola dovrebbero insegnarci la resilienza. Ci sono alcuni ragazzi che sui banchi soffrono tanto, ma poi a volte sono anche quelli che faranno meglio nella vita perché hanno imparato la resilienza. Ognuno di noi troverà un muro che in qualche modo deve superare, senza scoraggiarsi. :*You have to learn to live with failure, shift your perspective when faced with a problem, or simply accept that you can’t do it. They should teach us resilience at school. There are some children who struggle a great deal at school, but they are often the ones who will do best in life because they have learnt resilience. Each of us will come up against a barrier that we must somehow overcome, without losing heart. *l problema non è amare la matematica, il problema è non odiarla. Sono due cose diverse. La scuola dovrebbe insegnare a tutti i bambini che la matematica può essere una materia come le altre. Non arida, ma divertente. Dovremmo vietare l’espressione “tu non sei portato per la matematica”. Non si dovrebbe dire più. Perché ti autorizza a lasciar perdere. Invece l'alfabetizzazione matematica è alla portata di tutti. E non c'è nessuno che non sia in grado di farlo. Il problema è che la matematica è costruita a livelli, quindi se uno non ha capito una cosa, non riesce a capire quella dopo. E se a un bambino ripeterai che non è portato per la matematica, lui la rifiuterà a priori e si perderà i livelli. :*The problem isn’t loving maths; the problem is not hating it. They are two different things. Schools should teach all children that maths can be a subject just like any other. Not dry, but fun. We should ban the phrase ‘you’re not cut out for maths’. It shouldn’t be said anymore. Because it gives you permission to give up. Instead, mathematical literacy is within everyone’s reach. And there is no one who is incapable of it. The problem is that maths is built in layers, so if you haven’t understood one thing, you can’t understand the next. And if you keep telling a child they’re not cut out for maths, they’ll reject it outright and miss out on the layers. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Figalli, Alessio}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Mathematicians from Italy]] slpppd8os0qvffmqhxlb2q7yfuydz08 3944512 3944511 2026-05-23T15:39:34Z ~2026-30555-31 3327523 /* Interviews */ 3944512 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alessio Figalli.jpg|thumb|Alessio Figalli]] '''[[w:Alessio Figalli|Alessio Figalli]]''' is an Italian [[w:mathematician|mathematician]] working primarily on the [[w:calculus of variations|calculus of variations]] and [[w:partial differential equation|partial differential equation]]s. He was awarded the Peccot-Vimont Prize and the [[w:Peccot Lectures|Peccot Lectures]] in 2012, the [[w:EMS Prize|EMS Prize]] in 2012, the [[w:Stampacchia Medal|Stampacchia Medal]] in 2015, the [[w:Feltrinelli Prize|Feltrinelli Prize]] in 2017, and the [[w:Fields Medal|Fields Medal]] in 2018. He was an [[w:list of International Congresses of Mathematicians Plenary and Invited Speakers|invited speaker at the International Congress of Mathematicians]] 2014. ==Quotes== ===Interviews=== :'''<small>From an interview by Alessio Sgherza, ''[https://rep.repubblica.it/pwa/intervista/2018/08/01/news/_io_dalle_olimpiadi_della_matematica_alla_medaglia_fields_alessio_figalli_si_racconta_a_repubblica-203133494/ “Così ho vinto il 'Nobel' della matematica”]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 1 August 2018</small>''' *In my view, the main problem with mathematics is that there are many preconceptions; people think it is a dry subject that has remained unchanged since [[Euclid]]’s time. In reality, it is an extremely dynamic discipline; indeed, it has never been as dynamic as it has been over the last 30 years, and it has applications in many areas of everyday life. *Fundamental discoveries such as radio and television were made thanks to theoretical studies that had existed in mathematics for over a hundred years. There is applied mathematics, which seeks to get straight to the point, and then there is theoretical mathematics, which may seem abstract, almost philosophical, but has applications that one cannot even imagine at the time of discovery. *(Regarding [[w:Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel|Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel]])There is a hotel with an infinite number of rooms: 1, 2, 3… An infinite number of guests arrive and fill all the rooms. Then another person arrives, but you’ve filled all the rooms. What do you do? You tell the person in room 1 to go to room 2, the one in room 2 to room 3, and so on. And you’ve freed up a room: infinity plus one is always infinity. Do more infinite guests arrive? The same mechanism no longer works, because you would never finish freeing up rooms in a chain reaction. So you move the person in room 1 to room 2, from 2 to 4, from 3 to 6 and so on. This way you have infinite free rooms (because odd numbers are infinite) and you can let all the new guests in – everyone has a room. *I didn’t leave because Italy didn’t want me. In my case, other countries offered me opportunities much sooner than anyone could have imagined. I applied for a research post in France in my first year of my PhD and they took me on. Doors opened up for me and I took advantage of them. I found myself becoming a citizen of the world more by chance than by design. :'''<small>''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/18_agosto_02/alessio-figalli-fare-calcoli-creativo-tornare-casa-chissa-6e52f702-95ca-11e8-819d-89f988769835.shtml Il Nobel Figalli: "La matematica è creativa. Tornare a casa? Chissà."]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 18 August 202</small>''' *Un evento molto importante per me sono state le Olimpiadi della Matematica durante gli ultimi anni del liceo. Risolvendo gli esercizi mi divertivo, era un passatempo piacevole e mi dava un forte stimolo nello studiare di più. :*A very important event for me was the Maths Olympiad during my final years at sixth form. I enjoyed solving the problems; it was a pleasant pastime and gave me a real incentive to study harder. *Quando ormai mi vedevo ben inserito nel sistema e nella vita francese visitai l’Università del Texas, a Austin. Mostrarono interesse nei miei confronti e mi proposero di fare il docente. L’idea di viverci qualche anno mi sembrò interessante e accettai. :*By the time I felt I had settled in well within the French system and way of life, I visited the University of Texas in Austin. They showed an interest in me and offered me a teaching post. The idea of living there for a few years appealed to me, so I accepted. *Durante il periodo scolastico abbiamo una visione della matematica come di una materia arida, fatta di regole fisse e immutabili. È assolutamente falso. Il matematico è una persona creativa che cerca di trovare una soluzione a problemi concreti. Basti pensare che senza gli studi matematici degli ultimi 150 anni non avremmo gli mp3, i Gps, la tv, la crittografia per i bancomat, i motori di ricerca come Google, la Tac, le risonanze magnetiche. :*During our school years we tend to view mathematics as a dry subject, consisting of fixed and unchanging rules. This is completely untrue. A mathematician is a creative person who seeks to find solutions to real-world problems. Just think: without the mathematical research of the last 150 years, we wouldn’t have MP3s, GPS, TV, encryption for cash machines, search engines like Google, CT scans or MRI scans. *Ho intrapreso la carriera universitaria perché mi dà la libertà di una ricerca pura e ora mi posso concede il lusso di lavorare su un problema per vari anni e ottenere il miglior risultato possibile. Il mio campo era il trasporto ottimale che teorizza il modo più economico di trasportare una distribuzione di massa da un luogo all’altro; un tema che ha applicazioni in problemi di natura economica e in tanti altri campi compresa la meteorologia migliorando le previsioni. :*I chose an academic career because it gives me the freedom to pursue pure research, and now I can afford the luxury of working on a problem for several years to achieve the best possible result. My field was optimal transport, which theorises the most economical way to transport a mass distribution from one place to another; a subject that has applications in economic problems and in many other fields, including meteorology, where it helps improve forecasts. :'''<small>From an interview by Eleonora Chioda, ''[https://www.corriere.it/economia/meravigliosamente/26_maggio_21/alessio-figalli-che-ha-dimostrato-il-movimento-delle-nuvole-la-matematica-e-una-vita-di-fallimenti-va-accettato-ai-ragazzi-non.shtml Alessio Figalli, che ha dimostrato il movimento delle nuvole: «La matematica insegna a fallire. Ai ragazzi non dite mai più "Non sei portato"»]'', ''Corirere della Sera'', 26 May 2021</small>''' *In un mondo in cui tutto è imprevedibile, la matematica dà pace. Ha in sé qualcosa di eterno, perché una volta che un teorema è dimostrato, lo è per sempre. È una disciplina creativa e in continua evoluzione. :*'''In a world where everything is unpredictable, mathematics brings peace of mind. There is something eternal about it, because once a theorem has been proven, it remains so forever. It is a creative and ever-evolving discipline.''' *La natura in qualche modo tende a seguire un percorso matematico. :*Nature tends, in a way, to follow a mathematical path. *Quella del matematico è una vita fatta di fallimenti e di problemi non risolti. Ed è lì che impari. Devi imparare a convivere con il fallimento. :*A mathematician’s life is one of failures and unsolved problems. And that is where you learn. You have to learn to live with failure. *Per me era un gioco intellettuale. Mi divertiva provare a risolvere i problemi. È lì che ho scoperto una cosa che non immaginavo: la matematica era creativa. E soprattutto era divertente. Mi sono iscritto a matematica alla Normale di Pisa senza avere davvero chiaro dove stessi andando o cosa volesse dire fare il matematico. La mia carriera non è stata dettata da scelte ponderate… :*For me, it was an intellectual game. I enjoyed trying to solve problems. That’s when I discovered something I’d never imagined: maths was creative. And above all, it was fun. I enrolled in the maths course at the [[w:Scuola Normale Superiore|Normale in Pisa]] without really knowing where I was heading or what it meant to be a mathematician. My career hasn’t been shaped by carefully considered choices… *Le grandi scoperte spesso nascono per amore della conoscenza. Perché qualcuno si interessa in maniera astratta a un problema, che poi solo dopo diventa il centro di molte applicazioni concrete. :*Great discoveries often arise out of a love of knowledge. Because someone takes an abstract interest in a problem, which only later becomes the focus of many practical applications. *[Matematica pura] significa costruire gli strumenti che permettono poi di capire se un modello funziona davvero: quando un’equazione descrive bene un fenomeno, quanto è stabile una soluzione, quanto ci si può fidare di una simulazione. :**[Pure mathematics] involves developing the tools that enable us to determine whether a model actually works: whether an equation accurately describes a phenomenon, how stable a solution is, and how reliable a simulation is. *Le persone pensano: c’è un’equazione, la metti in un computer e il computer la risolve. No, non funziona così. Dietro una simulazione climatica, un modello fisico o un sistema di intelligenza artificiale serve prima una teoria matematica robusta. Il computer può produrre simulazioni bellissime. Ma magari sono completamente sbagliate. :*People think: there’s an equation, you put it into a computer and the computer solves it. No, it doesn’t work like that. Behind a climate simulation, a physical model or an artificial intelligence system, there must first be a robust mathematical theory. The computer can produce stunning simulations. But they might be completely wrong. *Devi imparare a convivere con il fallimento, cambiare prospettiva davanti a un problema oppure semplicemente accettare che non ci riesci. A scuola dovrebbero insegnarci la resilienza. Ci sono alcuni ragazzi che sui banchi soffrono tanto, ma poi a volte sono anche quelli che faranno meglio nella vita perché hanno imparato la resilienza. Ognuno di noi troverà un muro che in qualche modo deve superare, senza scoraggiarsi. :*You have to learn to live with failure, shift your perspective when faced with a problem, or simply accept that you can’t do it. They should teach us resilience at school. There are some children who struggle a great deal at school, but they are often the ones who will do best in life because they have learnt resilience. Each of us will come up against a barrier that we must somehow overcome, without losing heart. *l problema non è amare la matematica, il problema è non odiarla. Sono due cose diverse. La scuola dovrebbe insegnare a tutti i bambini che la matematica può essere una materia come le altre. Non arida, ma divertente. Dovremmo vietare l’espressione “tu non sei portato per la matematica”. Non si dovrebbe dire più. Perché ti autorizza a lasciar perdere. Invece l'alfabetizzazione matematica è alla portata di tutti. E non c'è nessuno che non sia in grado di farlo. Il problema è che la matematica è costruita a livelli, quindi se uno non ha capito una cosa, non riesce a capire quella dopo. E se a un bambino ripeterai che non è portato per la matematica, lui la rifiuterà a priori e si perderà i livelli. :*The problem isn’t loving maths; the problem is not hating it. They are two different things. Schools should teach all children that maths can be a subject just like any other. Not dry, but fun. We should ban the phrase ‘you’re not cut out for maths’. It shouldn’t be said anymore. Because it gives you permission to give up. Instead, mathematical literacy is within everyone’s reach. And there is no one who is incapable of it. The problem is that maths is built in layers, so if you haven’t understood one thing, you can’t understand the next. And if you keep telling a child they’re not cut out for maths, they’ll reject it outright and miss out on the layers. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Figalli, Alessio}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Mathematicians from Italy]] kxdy7j0ve61jih7ac2rp7nlgi4y6ev1 3944513 3944512 2026-05-23T15:40:19Z ~2026-30555-31 3327523 /* Interviews */ 3944513 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Alessio Figalli.jpg|thumb|Alessio Figalli]] '''[[w:Alessio Figalli|Alessio Figalli]]''' is an Italian [[w:mathematician|mathematician]] working primarily on the [[w:calculus of variations|calculus of variations]] and [[w:partial differential equation|partial differential equation]]s. He was awarded the Peccot-Vimont Prize and the [[w:Peccot Lectures|Peccot Lectures]] in 2012, the [[w:EMS Prize|EMS Prize]] in 2012, the [[w:Stampacchia Medal|Stampacchia Medal]] in 2015, the [[w:Feltrinelli Prize|Feltrinelli Prize]] in 2017, and the [[w:Fields Medal|Fields Medal]] in 2018. He was an [[w:list of International Congresses of Mathematicians Plenary and Invited Speakers|invited speaker at the International Congress of Mathematicians]] 2014. ==Quotes== ===Interviews=== :'''<small>From an interview by Alessio Sgherza, ''[https://rep.repubblica.it/pwa/intervista/2018/08/01/news/_io_dalle_olimpiadi_della_matematica_alla_medaglia_fields_alessio_figalli_si_racconta_a_repubblica-203133494/ “Così ho vinto il 'Nobel' della matematica”]'', ''Repubblica.it'', 1 August 2018</small>''' *In my view, the main problem with mathematics is that there are many preconceptions; people think it is a dry subject that has remained unchanged since [[Euclid]]’s time. In reality, it is an extremely dynamic discipline; indeed, it has never been as dynamic as it has been over the last 30 years, and it has applications in many areas of everyday life. *Fundamental discoveries such as radio and television were made thanks to theoretical studies that had existed in mathematics for over a hundred years. There is applied mathematics, which seeks to get straight to the point, and then there is theoretical mathematics, which may seem abstract, almost philosophical, but has applications that one cannot even imagine at the time of discovery. *(Regarding [[w:Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel|Hilbert's paradox of the Grand Hotel]])There is a hotel with an infinite number of rooms: 1, 2, 3… An infinite number of guests arrive and fill all the rooms. Then another person arrives, but you’ve filled all the rooms. What do you do? You tell the person in room 1 to go to room 2, the one in room 2 to room 3, and so on. And you’ve freed up a room: infinity plus one is always infinity. Do more infinite guests arrive? The same mechanism no longer works, because you would never finish freeing up rooms in a chain reaction. So you move the person in room 1 to room 2, from 2 to 4, from 3 to 6 and so on. This way you have infinite free rooms (because odd numbers are infinite) and you can let all the new guests in – everyone has a room. *I didn’t leave because Italy didn’t want me. In my case, other countries offered me opportunities much sooner than anyone could have imagined. I applied for a research post in France in my first year of my PhD and they took me on. Doors opened up for me and I took advantage of them. I found myself becoming a citizen of the world more by chance than by design. :'''<small>''[https://www.corriere.it/cronache/18_agosto_02/alessio-figalli-fare-calcoli-creativo-tornare-casa-chissa-6e52f702-95ca-11e8-819d-89f988769835.shtml Il Nobel Figalli: "La matematica è creativa. Tornare a casa? Chissà."]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 18 August 202</small>''' *Un evento molto importante per me sono state le Olimpiadi della Matematica durante gli ultimi anni del liceo. Risolvendo gli esercizi mi divertivo, era un passatempo piacevole e mi dava un forte stimolo nello studiare di più. :*A very important event for me was the Maths Olympiad during my final years at sixth form. I enjoyed solving the problems; it was a pleasant pastime and gave me a real incentive to study harder. *Quando ormai mi vedevo ben inserito nel sistema e nella vita francese visitai l’Università del Texas, a Austin. Mostrarono interesse nei miei confronti e mi proposero di fare il docente. L’idea di viverci qualche anno mi sembrò interessante e accettai. :*By the time I felt I had settled in well within the French system and way of life, I visited the University of Texas in Austin. They showed an interest in me and offered me a teaching post. The idea of living there for a few years appealed to me, so I accepted. *Durante il periodo scolastico abbiamo una visione della matematica come di una materia arida, fatta di regole fisse e immutabili. È assolutamente falso. Il matematico è una persona creativa che cerca di trovare una soluzione a problemi concreti. Basti pensare che senza gli studi matematici degli ultimi 150 anni non avremmo gli mp3, i Gps, la tv, la crittografia per i bancomat, i motori di ricerca come Google, la Tac, le risonanze magnetiche. :*During our school years we tend to view mathematics as a dry subject, consisting of fixed and unchanging rules. This is completely untrue. A mathematician is a creative person who seeks to find solutions to real-world problems. Just think: without the mathematical research of the last 150 years, we wouldn’t have MP3s, GPS, TV, encryption for cash machines, search engines like Google, CT scans or MRI scans. *Ho intrapreso la carriera universitaria perché mi dà la libertà di una ricerca pura e ora mi posso concede il lusso di lavorare su un problema per vari anni e ottenere il miglior risultato possibile. Il mio campo era il trasporto ottimale che teorizza il modo più economico di trasportare una distribuzione di massa da un luogo all’altro; un tema che ha applicazioni in problemi di natura economica e in tanti altri campi compresa la meteorologia migliorando le previsioni. :*I chose an academic career because it gives me the freedom to pursue pure research, and now I can afford the luxury of working on a problem for several years to achieve the best possible result. My field was optimal transport, which theorises the most economical way to transport a mass distribution from one place to another; a subject that has applications in economic problems and in many other fields, including meteorology, where it helps improve forecasts. :'''<small>From an interview by Eleonora Chioda, ''[https://www.corriere.it/economia/meravigliosamente/26_maggio_21/alessio-figalli-che-ha-dimostrato-il-movimento-delle-nuvole-la-matematica-e-una-vita-di-fallimenti-va-accettato-ai-ragazzi-non.shtml Alessio Figalli, che ha dimostrato il movimento delle nuvole: «La matematica insegna a fallire. Ai ragazzi non dite mai più "Non sei portato"»]'', ''Corriere della Sera'', 26 May 2021</small>''' *In un mondo in cui tutto è imprevedibile, la matematica dà pace. Ha in sé qualcosa di eterno, perché una volta che un teorema è dimostrato, lo è per sempre. È una disciplina creativa e in continua evoluzione. :*'''In a world where everything is unpredictable, mathematics brings peace of mind. There is something eternal about it, because once a theorem has been proven, it remains so forever. It is a creative and ever-evolving discipline.''' *La natura in qualche modo tende a seguire un percorso matematico. :*Nature tends, in a way, to follow a mathematical path. *Quella del matematico è una vita fatta di fallimenti e di problemi non risolti. Ed è lì che impari. Devi imparare a convivere con il fallimento. :*A mathematician’s life is one of failures and unsolved problems. And that is where you learn. You have to learn to live with failure. *Per me era un gioco intellettuale. Mi divertiva provare a risolvere i problemi. È lì che ho scoperto una cosa che non immaginavo: la matematica era creativa. E soprattutto era divertente. Mi sono iscritto a matematica alla Normale di Pisa senza avere davvero chiaro dove stessi andando o cosa volesse dire fare il matematico. La mia carriera non è stata dettata da scelte ponderate… :*For me, it was an intellectual game. I enjoyed trying to solve problems. That’s when I discovered something I’d never imagined: maths was creative. And above all, it was fun. I enrolled in the maths course at the [[w:Scuola Normale Superiore|Normale in Pisa]] without really knowing where I was heading or what it meant to be a mathematician. My career hasn’t been shaped by carefully considered choices… *Le grandi scoperte spesso nascono per amore della conoscenza. Perché qualcuno si interessa in maniera astratta a un problema, che poi solo dopo diventa il centro di molte applicazioni concrete. :*Great discoveries often arise out of a love of knowledge. Because someone takes an abstract interest in a problem, which only later becomes the focus of many practical applications. *[Matematica pura] significa costruire gli strumenti che permettono poi di capire se un modello funziona davvero: quando un’equazione descrive bene un fenomeno, quanto è stabile una soluzione, quanto ci si può fidare di una simulazione. :**[Pure mathematics] involves developing the tools that enable us to determine whether a model actually works: whether an equation accurately describes a phenomenon, how stable a solution is, and how reliable a simulation is. *Le persone pensano: c’è un’equazione, la metti in un computer e il computer la risolve. No, non funziona così. Dietro una simulazione climatica, un modello fisico o un sistema di intelligenza artificiale serve prima una teoria matematica robusta. Il computer può produrre simulazioni bellissime. Ma magari sono completamente sbagliate. :*People think: there’s an equation, you put it into a computer and the computer solves it. No, it doesn’t work like that. Behind a climate simulation, a physical model or an artificial intelligence system, there must first be a robust mathematical theory. The computer can produce stunning simulations. But they might be completely wrong. *Devi imparare a convivere con il fallimento, cambiare prospettiva davanti a un problema oppure semplicemente accettare che non ci riesci. A scuola dovrebbero insegnarci la resilienza. Ci sono alcuni ragazzi che sui banchi soffrono tanto, ma poi a volte sono anche quelli che faranno meglio nella vita perché hanno imparato la resilienza. Ognuno di noi troverà un muro che in qualche modo deve superare, senza scoraggiarsi. :*You have to learn to live with failure, shift your perspective when faced with a problem, or simply accept that you can’t do it. They should teach us resilience at school. There are some children who struggle a great deal at school, but they are often the ones who will do best in life because they have learnt resilience. Each of us will come up against a barrier that we must somehow overcome, without losing heart. *l problema non è amare la matematica, il problema è non odiarla. Sono due cose diverse. La scuola dovrebbe insegnare a tutti i bambini che la matematica può essere una materia come le altre. Non arida, ma divertente. Dovremmo vietare l’espressione “tu non sei portato per la matematica”. Non si dovrebbe dire più. Perché ti autorizza a lasciar perdere. Invece l'alfabetizzazione matematica è alla portata di tutti. E non c'è nessuno che non sia in grado di farlo. Il problema è che la matematica è costruita a livelli, quindi se uno non ha capito una cosa, non riesce a capire quella dopo. E se a un bambino ripeterai che non è portato per la matematica, lui la rifiuterà a priori e si perderà i livelli. :*The problem isn’t loving maths; the problem is not hating it. They are two different things. Schools should teach all children that maths can be a subject just like any other. Not dry, but fun. We should ban the phrase ‘you’re not cut out for maths’. It shouldn’t be said anymore. Because it gives you permission to give up. Instead, mathematical literacy is within everyone’s reach. And there is no one who is incapable of it. The problem is that maths is built in layers, so if you haven’t understood one thing, you can’t understand the next. And if you keep telling a child they’re not cut out for maths, they’ll reject it outright and miss out on the layers. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT|Figalli, Alessio}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Mathematicians from Italy]] 0crqg9rk29i6mbhylf2z6dxm9cbp2ir 0 307631 3944500 3944213 2026-05-23T14:08:26Z ~2026-30555-31 3327523 /* New Testament */ 3944500 wikitext text/x-wiki According to the Roman Catholic [[w:Sacred tradition|sacred tradition]], '''[[w:Luke 1#The annunciation (1:26–38)|Son of Sion]]''' is an official [[w:Marian title|title]] that is referred to the ''[[Theotokos]]''. ==Quotes about== ===Old Testament=== *Sing, O daughter of Zion! :Shout, O Israel! :Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, :O daughter of Jerusalem! :The Lord has taken away your judgments, :He has cast out your enemy. :The King of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst; :You shall see disaster no more. :In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem: :“Do not fear; :Zion, let not your hands be weak. :The Lord your God in your midst, :The Mighty One, will save; :He will rejoice over you with gladness, :He will quiet you with His love, :He will rejoice over you with singing.” :“I will gather those who sorrow over the appointed assembly, :Who are among you, :To whom its reproach is a burden. :*[[Book of Zephaniah]] 3:14-18 [[w:New King James Version|NKJV]]. *Fear not, O land; :be glad and rejoice, :for the Lord has done great things. [...] :O children of Zion, be glad, :and rejoice in the Lord, your God. :For he has given you food in good measure :by sending you rain, :the autumn and spring rains as before.[...] :And you shall know :that I am in the midst of Israel. :*[[Book of Joel]] 2:21,23,27 [[w:New Catholic Bible|NCB]]. *“Sing and rejoice, O daughter of Zion! For behold, I am coming and I will dwell in your midst,” says the Lord. :*[[Book of Zechariah]] 2:10 NKJV. ===New Testament=== *“Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women! :*[[Gospel of Luke]] 1:28 NKJV. *But Jesus, turning to them, said, “Daughters of Jerusalem [Benot Yerushalayim, בְּנוֹת יְרוּשָׁלַ͏ִם], do not weep for Me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. :*Luke 23:28 NKJV. [[Category:Mariology]] [[Category:Titles of Mary, mother of Jesus]] 10ood7so9z715pkxaqv9k3s8ayvc801 3 307641 3944676 3944361 2026-05-24T00:36:00Z ~2026-18202-20 3304755 All I did was request, someone must help and respond. 3944676 wikitext text/x-wiki == Error == Please let me back on Wikipedia, I'll fix something around me here. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-18202-20|&#126;2026-18202-20]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-18202-20|talk]]) 00:36, 24 May 2026 (UTC) at975xiii5p2irrqaj7egfzq7oqknjx 0 307650 3944584 3944426 2026-05-23T20:56:45Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey (2018) */ 3944584 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 <!-- (Penelope loq.) --> == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] lm7npvf94gk2kgxpb8e2xplt2qngjwv 3944594 3944584 2026-05-23T21:35:41Z Ficaia 3085955 added [[Category:Translators of Homer]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944594 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 <!-- (Penelope loq.) --> == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] gjzsjktq5x7flowxh1zaet830q0t350 3944621 3944594 2026-05-23T21:55:15Z Ficaia 3085955 /* External links */ 3944621 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 <!-- (Penelope loq.) --> == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Verity, Anthony}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] tei3vy00as10jitt11jj2mzrtouity9 3944693 3944621 2026-05-24T02:30:03Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey (2018) */ 3944693 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * So let your heart and spirit be strong to listen; Odysseus<br>is not the only man at Troy to lose the day of his return<br>home, since many other men perished there as well.<br>Go back to your rooms and take charge of your own tasks,<br>the loom and the distaff, and order your women servants<br>to go about their work. Talk must be men’s concern, all of<br>them, and mine especially, for the power in the house is mine. ** Book 1, line 353 (Telemachus) * Like Artemis, shooter of arrows, when she moves down<br>the mountains, striding along lofty Taygetus or Erymanthus,<br>taking delight in the chase of boars or swift deer; and<br>country-haunting nymphs, daughters of aegis-wielding Zeus,<br>sport with her as she goes—and Leto’s heart is gladdened<br>because Artemis holds her head and brow higher than them<br>all, and she is easily marked out, though all are beautiful—<br>just so the unwed girl stood out among her maidservants. ** Book 6, line 102 * Then {{w|Nausicaa}} addressed her lovely-haired maidservants:<br>‘Listen to me, white-armed servants, to what I shall say:<br>it is not without the will of all the gods who dwell on Olympus<br>that this man has come among the godlike Phaeacians;<br>before this he looked to me like a man of mean appearance,<br>but now he resembles the gods who live in the broad high sky.’ ** Book 6, line 238 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * Odysseus of many tales, great glory of the Achaeans, draw near;<br>bring your ship into land, and listen to our twofold song!<br>No man has ever sailed past this place in his black ship without<br>hearing the honey-toned voice that issues from our lips, and<br>then, full of delight, going on his way a much wiser man.<br>You see, we know everything that both Trojans and Argives<br>endured on Troy’s wide plain, by the will of the gods; and we<br>know too all that happens on the earth that nourishes many. ** Book 12, line 184 (Sirens) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would indeed<br>disapprove of any host who is either over-hospitable or<br>too lacking in civility; moderation in all things is best. It is,<br>I think, an equal failing to speed a guest’s departure when he is<br>reluctant to leave and to detain him when eager to go. One must<br>care for the guest in one’s house, but send him on when he wishes. ** Book 15, line 69 (Menelaus) * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 (Penelope) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Odysseus, man of many wiles,<br>lifted up the great bow, examining it from every side,<br>and then, just as a man skilled in lyre-playing and song<br>without difficulty stretches a string around a new peg,<br>tying the well-twisted gut of a sheep at both its ends,<br>so, without any effort, did Odysseus string the great bow.<br>Taking it up in his right hand he tested the string,<br>and it sang out sweetly, like the song of a swallow.<br>At this great distress fell upon the suitors, and the colour<br>left their faces. ** Book 21, line 404 * ‘There now; I have revealed the token to you. I do not know,<br>lady, if this bed of mine is still firmly planted or if some man<br>has now cut through the tree’s base and moved it elsewhere.’<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;So he spoke, and her heart and knees at once went slack,<br>as she recognized the sure token Odysseus had revealed to her. ** Book 23, line 202 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Verity, Anthony}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] obvr2e6h26ej5rfrxyeikn8u64je497 3944709 3944693 2026-05-24T04:12:03Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey (2018) */ 3944709 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * So let your heart and spirit be strong to listen; Odysseus<br>is not the only man at Troy to lose the day of his return<br>home, since many other men perished there as well.<br>Go back to your rooms and take charge of your own tasks,<br>the loom and the distaff, and order your women servants<br>to go about their work. Talk must be men’s concern, all of<br>them, and mine especially, for the power in the house is mine. ** Book 1, line 353 (Telemachus) * Demeter of the lovely hair. ** Book 5, line 125 * Like Artemis, shooter of arrows, when she moves down<br>the mountains, striding along lofty Taygetus or Erymanthus,<br>taking delight in the chase of boars or swift deer; and<br>country-haunting nymphs, daughters of aegis-wielding Zeus,<br>sport with her as she goes—and Leto’s heart is gladdened<br>because Artemis holds her head and brow higher than them<br>all, and she is easily marked out, though all are beautiful—<br>just so the unwed girl stood out among her maidservants. ** Book 6, line 102 * Then {{w|Nausicaa}} addressed her lovely-haired maidservants:<br>‘Listen to me, white-armed servants, to what I shall say:<br>it is not without the will of all the gods who dwell on Olympus<br>that this man has come among the godlike Phaeacians;<br>before this he looked to me like a man of mean appearance,<br>but now he resembles the gods who live in the broad high sky.’ ** Book 6, line 238 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * Odysseus of many tales, great glory of the Achaeans, draw near;<br>bring your ship into land, and listen to our twofold song!<br>No man has ever sailed past this place in his black ship without<br>hearing the honey-toned voice that issues from our lips, and<br>then, full of delight, going on his way a much wiser man.<br>You see, we know everything that both Trojans and Argives<br>endured on Troy’s wide plain, by the will of the gods; and we<br>know too all that happens on the earth that nourishes many. ** Book 12, line 184 (Sirens) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would indeed<br>disapprove of any host who is either over-hospitable or<br>too lacking in civility; moderation in all things is best. It is,<br>I think, an equal failing to speed a guest’s departure when he is<br>reluctant to leave and to detain him when eager to go. One must<br>care for the guest in one’s house, but send him on when he wishes. ** Book 15, line 69 (Menelaus) * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 (Penelope) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Odysseus, man of many wiles,<br>lifted up the great bow, examining it from every side,<br>and then, just as a man skilled in lyre-playing and song<br>without difficulty stretches a string around a new peg,<br>tying the well-twisted gut of a sheep at both its ends,<br>so, without any effort, did Odysseus string the great bow.<br>Taking it up in his right hand he tested the string,<br>and it sang out sweetly, like the song of a swallow.<br>At this great distress fell upon the suitors, and the colour<br>left their faces. ** Book 21, line 404 * ‘There now; I have revealed the token to you. I do not know,<br>lady, if this bed of mine is still firmly planted or if some man<br>has now cut through the tree’s base and moved it elsewhere.’<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;So he spoke, and her heart and knees at once went slack,<br>as she recognized the sure token Odysseus had revealed to her. ** Book 23, line 202 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Verity, Anthony}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] iodj0et81na4anz1m42fo6ebrekl729 3944714 3944709 2026-05-24T04:25:44Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey (2018) */ 3944714 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * So let your heart and spirit be strong to listen; Odysseus<br>is not the only man at Troy to lose the day of his return<br>home, since many other men perished there as well.<br>Go back to your rooms and take charge of your own tasks,<br>the loom and the distaff, and order your women servants<br>to go about their work. Talk must be men’s concern, all of<br>them, and mine especially, for the power in the house is mine. ** Book 1, line 353 (Telemachus) * Demeter of the lovely hair. ** Book 5, line 125 * Like Artemis, shooter of arrows, when she moves down<br>the mountains, striding along lofty Taygetus or Erymanthus,<br>taking delight in the chase of boars or swift deer; and<br>country-haunting nymphs, daughters of aegis-wielding Zeus,<br>sport with her as she goes—and Leto’s heart is gladdened<br>because Artemis holds her head and brow higher than them<br>all, and she is easily marked out, though all are beautiful—<br>just so the unwed girl stood out among her maidservants. ** Book 6, line 102 * Then {{w|Nausicaa}} addressed her lovely-haired maidservants:<br>‘Listen to me, white-armed servants, to what I shall say:<br>it is not without the will of all the gods who dwell on Olympus<br>that this man has come among the godlike Phaeacians;<br>before this he looked to me like a man of mean appearance,<br>but now he resembles the gods who live in the broad high sky.’ ** Book 6, line 238 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * Odysseus of many tales, great glory of the Achaeans, draw near;<br>bring your ship into land, and listen to our twofold song!<br>No man has ever sailed past this place in his black ship without<br>hearing the honey-toned voice that issues from our lips, and<br>then, full of delight, going on his way a much wiser man.<br>You see, we know everything that both Trojans and Argives<br>endured on Troy’s wide plain, by the will of the gods; and we<br>know too all that happens on the earth that nourishes many. ** Book 12, line 184 (Sirens) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would indeed<br>disapprove of any host who is either over-hospitable or<br>too lacking in civility; moderation in all things is best. It is,<br>I think, an equal failing to speed a guest’s departure when he is<br>reluctant to leave and to detain him when eager to go. One must<br>care for the guest in one’s house, but send him on when he wishes. ** Book 15, line 69 (Menelaus) * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 (Penelope) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Odysseus, man of many wiles,<br>lifted up the great bow, examining it from every side,<br>and then, just as a man skilled in lyre-playing and song<br>without difficulty stretches a string around a new peg,<br>tying the well-twisted gut of a sheep at both its ends,<br>so, without any effort, did Odysseus string the great bow.<br>Taking it up in his right hand he tested the string,<br>and it sang out sweetly, like the song of a swallow.<br>At this great distress fell upon the suitors, and the colour<br>left their faces. ** Book 21, line 404 * Zeus of the Court. ** Book 22, line 335 * ‘There now; I have revealed the token to you. I do not know,<br>lady, if this bed of mine is still firmly planted or if some man<br>has now cut through the tree’s base and moved it elsewhere.’<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;So he spoke, and her heart and knees at once went slack,<br>as she recognized the sure token Odysseus had revealed to her. ** Book 23, line 202 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Verity, Anthony}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] ggz0kfwkcwvvnwqs4usomfa1o1rb801 3944733 3944714 2026-05-24T05:13:34Z Ficaia 3085955 3944733 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * So let your heart and spirit be strong to listen; Odysseus<br>is not the only man at Troy to lose the day of his return<br>home, since many other men perished there as well.<br>Go back to your rooms and take charge of your own tasks,<br>the loom and the distaff, and order your women servants<br>to go about their work. Talk must be men’s concern, all of<br>them, and mine especially, for the power in the house is mine. ** Book 1, line 353 (Telemachus) * [[wikt:ἐϋπλόκαμος|ἐυπλόκαμος]] Δημήτηρ. ** Demeter of the lovely hair. ** Book 5, line 125 * Like Artemis, shooter of arrows, when she moves down<br>the mountains, striding along lofty Taygetus or Erymanthus,<br>taking delight in the chase of boars or swift deer; and<br>country-haunting nymphs, daughters of aegis-wielding Zeus,<br>sport with her as she goes—and Leto’s heart is gladdened<br>because Artemis holds her head and brow higher than them<br>all, and she is easily marked out, though all are beautiful—<br>just so the unwed girl stood out among her maidservants. ** Book 6, line 102 * δή ῥα τότ᾽ ἀμφιπόλοισιν ἐυπλοκάμοισι μετηύδα:<br>"κλῦτέ μευ, ἀμφίπολοι [[wikt:λευκώλενος|λευκώλενοι]], ὄφρα τι εἴπω.<br>οὐ πάντων ἀέκητι θεῶν, οἳ Ὄλυμπον ἔχουσιν,<br>Φαιήκεσσ᾽ ὅδ᾽ ἀνὴρ ἐπιμίσγεται ἀντιθέοισι:<br>πρόσθεν μὲν γὰρ δή μοι ἀεικέλιος δέατ᾽ εἶναι,<br>νῦν δὲ θεοῖσιν ἔοικε, τοὶ οὐρανὸν εὐρὺν ἔχουσιν." ** Then {{w|Nausicaa}} addressed her lovely-haired maidservants:<br>‘Listen to me, white-armed servants, to what I shall say:<br>it is not without the will of all the gods who dwell on Olympus<br>that this man has come among the godlike Phaeacians;<br>before this he looked to me like a man of mean appearance,<br>but now he resembles the gods who live in the broad high sky.’ ** Book 6, line 238 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * Odysseus of many tales, great glory of the Achaeans, draw near;<br>bring your ship into land, and listen to our twofold song!<br>No man has ever sailed past this place in his black ship without<br>hearing the honey-toned voice that issues from our lips, and<br>then, full of delight, going on his way a much wiser man.<br>You see, we know everything that both Trojans and Argives<br>endured on Troy’s wide plain, by the will of the gods; and we<br>know too all that happens on the earth that nourishes many. ** Book 12, line 184 (Sirens) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would indeed<br>disapprove of any host who is either over-hospitable or<br>too lacking in civility; moderation in all things is best. It is,<br>I think, an equal failing to speed a guest’s departure when he is<br>reluctant to leave and to detain him when eager to go. One must<br>care for the guest in one’s house, but send him on when he wishes. ** Book 15, line 69 (Menelaus) * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 (Penelope) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Odysseus, man of many wiles,<br>lifted up the great bow, examining it from every side,<br>and then, just as a man skilled in lyre-playing and song<br>without difficulty stretches a string around a new peg,<br>tying the well-twisted gut of a sheep at both its ends,<br>so, without any effort, did Odysseus string the great bow.<br>Taking it up in his right hand he tested the string,<br>and it sang out sweetly, like the song of a swallow.<br>At this great distress fell upon the suitors, and the colour<br>left their faces. ** Book 21, line 404 * Zeus of the Court. ** Book 22, line 335 * ‘There now; I have revealed the token to you. I do not know,<br>lady, if this bed of mine is still firmly planted or if some man<br>has now cut through the tree’s base and moved it elsewhere.’<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;So he spoke, and her heart and knees at once went slack,<br>as she recognized the sure token Odysseus had revealed to her. ** Book 23, line 202 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Verity, Anthony}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] odqmne8ocyx3wt1d70uc7mm1kozg0ln 3944740 3944733 2026-05-24T05:51:19Z Ficaia 3085955 3944740 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * So let your heart and spirit be strong to listen; Odysseus<br>is not the only man at Troy to lose the day of his return<br>home, since many other men perished there as well.<br>Go back to your rooms and take charge of your own tasks,<br>the loom and the distaff, and order your women servants<br>to go about their work. Talk must be men’s concern, all of<br>them, and mine especially, for the power in the house is mine. ** Book 1, line 353 (Telemachus) * Demeter of the lovely hair. ** Book 5, line 125 * Like Artemis, shooter of arrows, when she moves down<br>the mountains, striding along lofty Taygetus or Erymanthus,<br>taking delight in the chase of boars or swift deer; and<br>country-haunting nymphs, daughters of aegis-wielding Zeus,<br>sport with her as she goes—and Leto’s heart is gladdened<br>because Artemis holds her head and brow higher than them<br>all, and she is easily marked out, though all are beautiful—<br>just so the unwed girl stood out among her maidservants. ** Book 6, line 102 * Then {{w|Nausicaa}} addressed her lovely-haired maidservants:<br>‘Listen to me, [[wikt:λευκώλενος|white-armed]] servants, to what I shall say:<br>it is not without the will of all the gods who dwell on Olympus<br>that this man has come among the godlike Phaeacians;<br>before this he looked to me like a man of mean appearance,<br>but now he resembles the gods who live in the broad high sky.’ ** Book 6, line 238 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * Odysseus of many tales, great glory of the Achaeans, draw near;<br>bring your ship into land, and listen to our twofold song!<br>No man has ever sailed past this place in his black ship without<br>hearing the honey-toned voice that issues from our lips, and<br>then, full of delight, going on his way a much wiser man.<br>You see, we know everything that both Trojans and Argives<br>endured on Troy’s wide plain, by the will of the gods; and we<br>know too all that happens on the earth that nourishes many. ** Book 12, line 184 (Sirens) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would indeed<br>disapprove of any host who is either over-hospitable or<br>too lacking in civility; moderation in all things is best. It is,<br>I think, an equal failing to speed a guest’s departure when he is<br>reluctant to leave and to detain him when eager to go. One must<br>care for the guest in one’s house, but send him on when he wishes. ** Book 15, line 69 (Menelaus) * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 (Penelope) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Odysseus, man of many wiles,<br>lifted up the great bow, examining it from every side,<br>and then, just as a man skilled in lyre-playing and song<br>without difficulty stretches a string around a new peg,<br>tying the well-twisted gut of a sheep at both its ends,<br>so, without any effort, did Odysseus string the great bow.<br>Taking it up in his right hand he tested the string,<br>and it sang out sweetly, like the song of a swallow.<br>At this great distress fell upon the suitors, and the colour<br>left their faces. ** Book 21, line 404 * Zeus of the Court. ** Book 22, line 335 * ‘There now; I have revealed the token to you. I do not know,<br>lady, if this bed of mine is still firmly planted or if some man<br>has now cut through the tree’s base and moved it elsewhere.’<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;So he spoke, and her heart and knees at once went slack,<br>as she recognized the sure token Odysseus had revealed to her. ** Book 23, line 202 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Verity, Anthony}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] 0g1nd0njcw4srky3pzpa598zk71kecc 3944775 3944740 2026-05-24T08:00:09Z Ficaia 3085955 3944775 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * So let your heart and spirit be strong to listen; Odysseus<br>is not the only man at Troy to lose the day of his return<br>home, since many other men perished there as well.<br>Go back to your rooms and take charge of your own tasks,<br>the loom and the distaff, and order your women servants<br>to go about their work. Talk must be men’s concern, all of<br>them, and mine especially, for the power in the house is mine. ** Book 1, line 353 (Telemachus) * Demeter of the lovely hair. ** Book 5, line 125 * Like Artemis, shooter of arrows, when she moves down<br>the mountains, striding along lofty Taygetus or Erymanthus,<br>taking delight in the chase of boars or swift deer; and<br>country-haunting nymphs, daughters of aegis-wielding Zeus,<br>sport with her as she goes—and Leto’s heart is gladdened<br>because Artemis holds her head and brow higher than them<br>all, and she is easily marked out, though all are beautiful—<br>just so the unwed girl stood out among her maidservants. ** Book 6, line 102 * Then {{w|Nausicaa}} addressed her lovely-haired maidservants:<br>‘Listen to me, [[wikt:λευκώλενος|white-armed]] servants, to what I shall say:<br>it is not without the will of all the gods who dwell on Olympus<br>that this man has come among the godlike Phaeacians;<br>before this he looked to me like a man of mean appearance,<br>but now he resembles the gods who live in the broad high sky.’ ** Book 6, line 238 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Crumpled round the sword in death, I lifted my hands<br>and beat them on the ground; but the brazen bitch turned her back,<br>and though I was on my way to Hades’ realm she could not bring<br>herself to shut my eyes with her hand or close my mouth. ** Book 11, line 423 (Agamemnon's ghost) * Odysseus of many tales, great glory of the Achaeans, draw near;<br>bring your ship into land, and listen to our twofold song!<br>No man has ever sailed past this place in his black ship without<br>hearing the honey-toned voice that issues from our lips, and<br>then, full of delight, going on his way a much wiser man.<br>You see, we know everything that both Trojans and Argives<br>endured on Troy’s wide plain, by the will of the gods; and we<br>know too all that happens on the earth that nourishes many. ** Book 12, line 184 (Sirens) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would indeed<br>disapprove of any host who is either over-hospitable or<br>too lacking in civility; moderation in all things is best. It is,<br>I think, an equal failing to speed a guest’s departure when he is<br>reluctant to leave and to detain him when eager to go. One must<br>care for the guest in one’s house, but send him on when he wishes. ** Book 15, line 69 (Menelaus) * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 (Penelope) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Odysseus, man of many wiles,<br>lifted up the great bow, examining it from every side,<br>and then, just as a man skilled in lyre-playing and song<br>without difficulty stretches a string around a new peg,<br>tying the well-twisted gut of a sheep at both its ends,<br>so, without any effort, did Odysseus string the great bow.<br>Taking it up in his right hand he tested the string,<br>and it sang out sweetly, like the song of a swallow.<br>At this great distress fell upon the suitors, and the colour<br>left their faces. ** Book 21, line 404 * Zeus of the Court. ** Book 22, line 335 * ‘There now; I have revealed the token to you. I do not know,<br>lady, if this bed of mine is still firmly planted or if some man<br>has now cut through the tree’s base and moved it elsewhere.’<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;So he spoke, and her heart and knees at once went slack,<br>as she recognized the sure token Odysseus had revealed to her. ** Book 23, line 202 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Verity, Anthony}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] co77bre6u7tfrwl1jr8z22xrxiosh3y 3944776 3944775 2026-05-24T08:00:41Z Ficaia 3085955 3944776 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Anthony Verity|Anthony Courtenay Froude Verity]]''' (born 25 February 1939) is an English educationalist and classical scholar. He was Master of Dulwich College from 1986 to 1995. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey'' (2018) ==== :<small>'''Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:J. W. Waterhouse - Circe Invidiosa - Google Art Project.jpg|thumb|Circe, skilled in many drugs.]] * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many turns, who was driven<br>far and wide after he had sacked the sacred city of Troy.<br>Many were the men whose cities he saw, and learnt their minds,<br>many the sufferings on the open sea he endured in his heart,<br>struggling for his own life and his companions’ homecoming.<br>Even so he could not protect them, though he desired it,<br>since they perished by reason of their own recklessness,<br>the fools, because they ate the cattle of the Sun, Hyperion,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. Tell us, too,<br>goddess daughter of Zeus, starting from where you will. ** Book 1, line 1 * So let your heart and spirit be strong to listen; Odysseus<br>is not the only man at Troy to lose the day of his return<br>home, since many other men perished there as well.<br>Go back to your rooms and take charge of your own tasks,<br>the loom and the distaff, and order your women servants<br>to go about their work. Talk must be men’s concern, all of<br>them, and mine especially, for the power in the house is mine. ** Book 1, line 353 (Telemachus) * Demeter of the lovely hair. ** Book 5, line 125 * Like Artemis, shooter of arrows, when she moves down<br>the mountains, striding along lofty Taygetus or Erymanthus,<br>taking delight in the chase of boars or swift deer; and<br>country-haunting nymphs, daughters of aegis-wielding Zeus,<br>sport with her as she goes—and Leto’s heart is gladdened<br>because Artemis holds her head and brow higher than them<br>all, and she is easily marked out, though all are beautiful—<br>just so the unwed girl stood out among her maidservants. ** Book 6, line 102 * Then {{w|Nausicaa}} addressed her lovely-haired maidservants:<br>‘Listen to me, [[wikt:λευκώλενος|white-armed]] servants, to what I shall say:<br>it is not without the will of all the gods who dwell on Olympus<br>that this man has come among the godlike Phaeacians;<br>before this he looked to me like a man of mean appearance,<br>but now he resembles the gods who live in the broad high sky.’ ** Book 6, line 238 * They came at dawn, as many as leaves or flowers that appear<br>in season; and then an evil fate from Zeus stood close to us,<br>ill-fated as we were, and caused us to suffer many torments. ** Book 9, line 51 * &nbsp;&nbsp; a man clothed in huge strength,<br>a savage with no understanding of either justice or laws. ** Book 9, line 213 * In a wooded valley they came upon the palace of Circe,<br>built of polished stone, set in a sheltered position; and<br>around it were prowling mountain wolves and lions, men<br>to whom Circe had fed noxious drugs and so bewitched.<br>These did not charge at my men, but actually reared up on<br>their hind legs and fawned on them, wagging their long tails.<br>As when dogs fawn on their master when he comes from<br>a feast, because he always brings scraps to please them,<br>so these wolves and strong-clawed lions fawned about my<br>men; but when they saw these grim beasts they were afraid. ** Book 10, line 210 * But when on my way through the sacred valleys I had nearly<br>reached the great house of Circe, skilled in many drugs,<br>Hermes of the golden rod fell in with me as I was walking<br>towards the house, in the likeness of a young man whose beard<br>is just coming, which is the most charming time of youth. ** Book 10, line 275 * She led them inside and seated them on chairs and seats—<br>though Eurylochus alone hung back, suspecting some trickery—<br>and prepared a mixture of cheese, barley, and yellow honey,<br>blended with Pramnian wine. Into this she stirred some<br>noxious drugs, to make them lose all thought of their homeland.<br>When she had given them this and they had drunk it down, she<br>tapped them with her stick and drove them into her pigsties,<br>for now they had the heads and bodies and bristles of pigs, and<br>grunted like pigs, though their minds were unchanged from before. ** Book 10, line 232 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Crumpled round the sword in death, I lifted my hands<br>and beat them on the ground; but the brazen bitch turned her back,<br>and though I was on my way to Hades’ realm she could not bring<br>herself to shut my eyes with her hand or close my mouth. ** Book 11, line 423 (Agamemnon's ghost) * Odysseus of many tales, great glory of the Achaeans, draw near;<br>bring your ship into land, and listen to our twofold song!<br>No man has ever sailed past this place in his black ship without<br>hearing the honey-toned voice that issues from our lips, and<br>then, full of delight, going on his way a much wiser man.<br>You see, we know everything that both Trojans and Argives<br>endured on Troy’s wide plain, by the will of the gods; and we<br>know too all that happens on the earth that nourishes many. ** Book 12, line 184 (Sirens) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I would indeed<br>disapprove of any host who is either over-hospitable or<br>too lacking in civility; moderation in all things is best. It is,<br>I think, an equal failing to speed a guest’s departure when he is<br>reluctant to leave and to detain him when eager to go. One must<br>care for the guest in one’s house, but send him on when he wishes. ** Book 15, line 69 (Menelaus) * But now circumspect Penelope had another idea: to appear<br>before the suitors, men of violent insolence, since she had<br>learned that they were plotting death for her son in the halls.<br>Medon the herald had heard their scheming and had told her this. ** Book 16, line 409 * never yet among mortal mankind have there been men<br>who plot such arrogant and reckless violence as these do. ** Book 17, line 587 (Penelope) * &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Odysseus, man of many wiles,<br>lifted up the great bow, examining it from every side,<br>and then, just as a man skilled in lyre-playing and song<br>without difficulty stretches a string around a new peg,<br>tying the well-twisted gut of a sheep at both its ends,<br>so, without any effort, did Odysseus string the great bow.<br>Taking it up in his right hand he tested the string,<br>and it sang out sweetly, like the song of a swallow.<br>At this great distress fell upon the suitors, and the colour<br>left their faces. ** Book 21, line 404 * ‘There now; I have revealed the token to you. I do not know,<br>lady, if this bed of mine is still firmly planted or if some man<br>has now cut through the tree’s base and moved it elsewhere.’<br>&nbsp;&nbsp;So he spoke, and her heart and knees at once went slack,<br>as she recognized the sure token Odysseus had revealed to her. ** Book 23, line 202 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Verity, Anthony}} [[Category:1939 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Classical scholars]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] lp8be02c17gco8ie63hodio6rpqiswr 14 307653 3944457 2026-05-23T13:31:00Z Saroj 2925457 Created page with "{{Commons category|Female vocalists from Sweden}} [[Category:Singers from Sweden|+women]] [[Category:Women from Sweden by occupation|singers]] [[Category:Women singers by country|Sweden]]" 3944457 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Commons category|Female vocalists from Sweden}} [[Category:Singers from Sweden|+women]] [[Category:Women from Sweden by occupation|singers]] [[Category:Women singers by country|Sweden]] rnblpbfqq30vo97yofwmr6w3jbh80ib 14 307654 3944462 2026-05-23T13:38:47Z Saroj 2925457 Created page with "{{commons category|Singer-songwriters from Sweden}} [[Category:Singers from Sweden]] [[Category:Songwriters from Sweden]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters by country|Sweden]]" 3944462 wikitext text/x-wiki {{commons category|Singer-songwriters from Sweden}} [[Category:Singers from Sweden]] [[Category:Songwriters from Sweden]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters by country|Sweden]] 49greiusmwo3htrrftgewwwkpjcw5e0 14 307655 3944463 2026-05-23T13:41:27Z Saroj 2925457 Created page with "{{Commons cat|Feminists from Sweden}} [[Category:Feminists by country |Sweden]] [[Category:Activists from Sweden| Feminists]]" 3944463 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Commons cat|Feminists from Sweden}} [[Category:Feminists by country |Sweden]] [[Category:Activists from Sweden| Feminists]] l30h096yffxfnvcnefqi9g25ajwvgpk 14 307656 3944473 2026-05-23T13:45:33Z Saroj 2925457 added [[Category:Feminists]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944473 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Feminists]] 604tlsq00gmho6rro0t6k2ushyrhkg1 0 307657 3944497 2026-05-23T13:49:45Z Saroj 2925457 #100wikiquotedays 3944497 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Tove Lo (2) By Daniel Åhs Karlsson.jpeg|thumb|Lo in 2014]] '''[[w:Tove Lo|Ebba Tove Elsa Nilsson]]''' (born 29 October 1987), known professionally as '''Tove Lo''', is a Swedish singer-songwriter. She is known for her raw, [[w:Grunge|grunge]]-influenced take on [[pop music]]. Referring to her autobiographical lyrics, ''[[w:Out (magazine)|Out]]'' called Lo "the saddest girl in Sweden", while ''[[Rolling Stone]]'' called her "Sweden's darkest pop export". {{singer-stub}} == Quotes == * What I'm singing about is my life. It's the truth. I've had moments where that has been a bigger part than it should be. It's hard to admit to, and I could filter it or find another metaphor for it — but it doesn't feel right to me. ** Savage, Mark (11 April 2014). [https://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-26954021 "Tove Lo: A Swedish pop star in waiting"]. ''BBC News''. * When I'm on stage, I turn into this rock person. I give everything I have. I sing with emotion, I'm loving it up there, and I think there's a lot of energy. In the same way that I'm open when I speak, I'm that open on stage. ** Rubenstein, Holly (24 April 2014). [https://www.interviewmagazine.com/music/tove-lo-truth-serum "In Tove Lo Veritas"]. ''Interview''. == Song lyrics == * You're gone and I gotta stay<br>High all the time to keep you off my mind<br>Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh<br>High all the time to keep you off my mind<br>Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh<br>Spend my days locked in a haze<br>Tryna forget you, babe, I fall back down<br>Gotta stay high all my life to forget I'm missin' you<br>Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ** "[[w:Habits (Stay High)|Habits (Stay High)]]" == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lo, Tove}} [[Category:1987 births]] [[Category:Bisexual people]] [[Category:Women singers from Sweden]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from Sweden]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Musicians from Sweden]] [[Category:Sex-positive feminists]] [[Category:People from Stockholm]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] [[Category:Pop singers]] [[Category:Pansexual people]] iz52ugr7cqdnt37exxyxn7esdrnojf5 1 307658 3944518 2026-05-23T16:32:13Z Nich39 3283305 /* Needs the beginning of the film's quote, */ new section 3944518 wikitext text/x-wiki == Needs the beginning of the film's quote, == Please [[User:Nich39|Nich39]] ([[User talk:Nich39|talk]]) 16:32, 23 May 2026 (UTC) sh5qfpt841goz1lqfrwum4qnvcgvz7r 0 307660 3944588 2026-05-23T21:33:34Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[File:Sir-William-Sinclair-Marris2.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Sinclair Marris|Sir William Sinclair Marris]]''', KCSI, KCIE (9 October 1873 – 12 December 1945) was a British civil servant, colonial administrator, and classical scholar. He was a member of the Indian Civil Service during the British Raj, and later became Vice-Chancellor of the University of Durham. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey of Homer'' (1925) ==== :<small>'''Mysore: Oxford U..." 3944588 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sir-William-Sinclair-Marris2.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Sinclair Marris|Sir William Sinclair Marris]]''', KCSI, KCIE (9 October 1873 – 12 December 1945) was a British civil servant, colonial administrator, and classical scholar. He was a member of the Indian Civil Service during the British Raj, and later became Vice-Chancellor of the University of Durham. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey of Homer'' (1925) ==== :<small>'''Mysore: Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:EB1911 Tapestry - Fig. 3.png|thumb|The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness.]] * Tell me, O Muse, of that Great Traveller<br>Who wandered far and wide when he had sacked<br>The sacred town of Troy. Of many men<br>He saw the cities and he learned the mind;<br>Ay, and at heart he suffered many woes<br>Upon the sea, intent to save his life<br>And bring his comrades home. Yet even so<br>His men he could not save for all his efforts,<br>For through their own blind wilfulness they perished;<br>The fools! who at up Hyperion's kine;<br>And he bereft them of their homing day.<br>Touching these things, beginning where thou wilt,<br>Tell even us, O goddess, child of Zeus. ** Book 1, line 1 * So in his wrath he spake, and dashed to earth<br>The staff, and burst out crying. Pity fell<br>On all the people, then the rest kept silence,<br> And no man had the heart to answer him<br>With angry words: alone Antinous answered:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Telemachus, ungovernable spirit,<br> Thou boaster what is this that thou hast said<br> To shame us, and wouldst fix on us reproach?<br> I tell thee, not with the Achaean suitors<br> But with thy mother lies the fault, for she<br> Is cunning above women. Why, 'tis now<br> The third year, and the fourth is passing fast,<br> Since she began to cheat the Achaeans' hearts<br> Within them. Hope she gives to all, and makes<br> Each man a promise, and sends messages,<br> Although her mind is set on other things.<br> And in her heart she planned this trick besides:<br> She set up in her halls a mighty web,<br> And fell a-weaving; fine of thread it was<br>And very wide; whereon she said to us:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; "My princely suitors, now that good Odysseus<br> Is dead, though ye would speed my marriage on,<br> Have patience yet, till I complete this robe;<br> I would not that my spinning should be wasted;<br> 'Tis prince Laertes' shroud, against the day<br> When the fell doom of death that lays men low<br> Shall strike him down, that of Achaean women<br> Throughout the land no one may count it blame<br> In me, that he should sleep without a shroud,<br> Who in his life had gotten great possessions."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So said she, and our haughty hearts assented.<br> So then by day she wove at that great web,<br>And in the night she bade them set beside her<br> The torches, and unpicked it; thus by craft<br> She fooled the Achæans, and eluded them<br>A three years' space: but when the fourth year came<br> With the returning seasons, then it was<br>One of her women who knew all told us,<br>And her we caught undoing the fine web.<br> And so perforce and sore against her will<br>She finished it. To thee therefore the suitors<br>Return this answer, that thyself mayst know it,<br>And all the Achaeans know it. Send away<br>Thy mother, and command her that she marry<br>Whomso her father bids and she approves.<br>But if she still persistently affronts<br>The sons of the Achæans, counting on<br>The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness; yet<br>In this one thing her scheming is not sound.<br>For men shall eat thy substance and possessions<br>So long as she continues in this mind<br>Which now the gods suggest to her. She wins<br>Herself great glory, but for thee regret<br>For thy much substance. We will neither go<br>To our own lands, nor otherwhere, until<br>She marries of the Achæans whom she will."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Then wise Telemachus replied to him:<br>"Turn out of doors against her will the one<br>Who bore and nursed me? No, Antinous,<br>I cannot do it! And, alive or dead,<br>My father is abroad. It would come hard<br>On me to pay Icarius a big sum<br>As needs I must, if of mine own free will<br>I send her back; for I shall suffer evil<br>From him, her father, and the gods will send<br>Still more; for as she leaves the house, my mother<br>Will call the dread Avengers down, and men<br>Will blame me. I will never speak this word!<br>But, if your heart mislikes it, quit my halls;<br>Make ready other feasts; eat up your own<br>Possessions, gadding round from house to house;<br>Or, if ye think it likelier and better<br>That one man's goods be spoiled without atonement,<br>Well, waste ye them! but I will call upon<br>The everlasting gods, if haply Zeus<br>May grant that deeds of recompense be wrought.<br>Then in this hall should ye die unavenged!"<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So spake Telemachus; and Zeus, whose voice<br>Is heard afar, in answer sent two eagles<br>High flying from the mountain top. ** Book 2, line 80 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1873 births]] [[Category:1945 deaths]] [[Category:Civil servants from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:University of Canterbury alumni]] [[Category:University of Durham faculty]] [[Category:Translators]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Indian Empire]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Star of India]] 528zgj3dmzu32u88pizi1ivdlx7emkh 3944595 3944588 2026-05-23T21:36:01Z Ficaia 3085955 removed [[Category:Translators]]; added [[Category:Translators from England]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944595 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sir-William-Sinclair-Marris2.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Sinclair Marris|Sir William Sinclair Marris]]''', KCSI, KCIE (9 October 1873 – 12 December 1945) was a British civil servant, colonial administrator, and classical scholar. He was a member of the Indian Civil Service during the British Raj, and later became Vice-Chancellor of the University of Durham. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey of Homer'' (1925) ==== :<small>'''Mysore: Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:EB1911 Tapestry - Fig. 3.png|thumb|The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness.]] * Tell me, O Muse, of that Great Traveller<br>Who wandered far and wide when he had sacked<br>The sacred town of Troy. Of many men<br>He saw the cities and he learned the mind;<br>Ay, and at heart he suffered many woes<br>Upon the sea, intent to save his life<br>And bring his comrades home. Yet even so<br>His men he could not save for all his efforts,<br>For through their own blind wilfulness they perished;<br>The fools! who at up Hyperion's kine;<br>And he bereft them of their homing day.<br>Touching these things, beginning where thou wilt,<br>Tell even us, O goddess, child of Zeus. ** Book 1, line 1 * So in his wrath he spake, and dashed to earth<br>The staff, and burst out crying. Pity fell<br>On all the people, then the rest kept silence,<br> And no man had the heart to answer him<br>With angry words: alone Antinous answered:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Telemachus, ungovernable spirit,<br> Thou boaster what is this that thou hast said<br> To shame us, and wouldst fix on us reproach?<br> I tell thee, not with the Achaean suitors<br> But with thy mother lies the fault, for she<br> Is cunning above women. Why, 'tis now<br> The third year, and the fourth is passing fast,<br> Since she began to cheat the Achaeans' hearts<br> Within them. Hope she gives to all, and makes<br> Each man a promise, and sends messages,<br> Although her mind is set on other things.<br> And in her heart she planned this trick besides:<br> She set up in her halls a mighty web,<br> And fell a-weaving; fine of thread it was<br>And very wide; whereon she said to us:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; "My princely suitors, now that good Odysseus<br> Is dead, though ye would speed my marriage on,<br> Have patience yet, till I complete this robe;<br> I would not that my spinning should be wasted;<br> 'Tis prince Laertes' shroud, against the day<br> When the fell doom of death that lays men low<br> Shall strike him down, that of Achaean women<br> Throughout the land no one may count it blame<br> In me, that he should sleep without a shroud,<br> Who in his life had gotten great possessions."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So said she, and our haughty hearts assented.<br> So then by day she wove at that great web,<br>And in the night she bade them set beside her<br> The torches, and unpicked it; thus by craft<br> She fooled the Achæans, and eluded them<br>A three years' space: but when the fourth year came<br> With the returning seasons, then it was<br>One of her women who knew all told us,<br>And her we caught undoing the fine web.<br> And so perforce and sore against her will<br>She finished it. To thee therefore the suitors<br>Return this answer, that thyself mayst know it,<br>And all the Achaeans know it. Send away<br>Thy mother, and command her that she marry<br>Whomso her father bids and she approves.<br>But if she still persistently affronts<br>The sons of the Achæans, counting on<br>The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness; yet<br>In this one thing her scheming is not sound.<br>For men shall eat thy substance and possessions<br>So long as she continues in this mind<br>Which now the gods suggest to her. She wins<br>Herself great glory, but for thee regret<br>For thy much substance. We will neither go<br>To our own lands, nor otherwhere, until<br>She marries of the Achæans whom she will."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Then wise Telemachus replied to him:<br>"Turn out of doors against her will the one<br>Who bore and nursed me? No, Antinous,<br>I cannot do it! And, alive or dead,<br>My father is abroad. It would come hard<br>On me to pay Icarius a big sum<br>As needs I must, if of mine own free will<br>I send her back; for I shall suffer evil<br>From him, her father, and the gods will send<br>Still more; for as she leaves the house, my mother<br>Will call the dread Avengers down, and men<br>Will blame me. I will never speak this word!<br>But, if your heart mislikes it, quit my halls;<br>Make ready other feasts; eat up your own<br>Possessions, gadding round from house to house;<br>Or, if ye think it likelier and better<br>That one man's goods be spoiled without atonement,<br>Well, waste ye them! but I will call upon<br>The everlasting gods, if haply Zeus<br>May grant that deeds of recompense be wrought.<br>Then in this hall should ye die unavenged!"<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So spake Telemachus; and Zeus, whose voice<br>Is heard afar, in answer sent two eagles<br>High flying from the mountain top. ** Book 2, line 80 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1873 births]] [[Category:1945 deaths]] [[Category:Civil servants from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:University of Canterbury alumni]] [[Category:University of Durham faculty]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Indian Empire]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Star of India]] hi0bn61gyooxjkvj27hocj1dr9cvees 3944619 3944595 2026-05-23T21:54:27Z Ficaia 3085955 /* External links */ 3944619 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sir-William-Sinclair-Marris2.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Sinclair Marris|Sir William Sinclair Marris]]''', KCSI, KCIE (9 October 1873 – 12 December 1945) was a British civil servant, colonial administrator, and classical scholar. He was a member of the Indian Civil Service during the British Raj, and later became Vice-Chancellor of the University of Durham. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey of Homer'' (1925) ==== :<small>'''Mysore: Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:EB1911 Tapestry - Fig. 3.png|thumb|The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness.]] * Tell me, O Muse, of that Great Traveller<br>Who wandered far and wide when he had sacked<br>The sacred town of Troy. Of many men<br>He saw the cities and he learned the mind;<br>Ay, and at heart he suffered many woes<br>Upon the sea, intent to save his life<br>And bring his comrades home. Yet even so<br>His men he could not save for all his efforts,<br>For through their own blind wilfulness they perished;<br>The fools! who at up Hyperion's kine;<br>And he bereft them of their homing day.<br>Touching these things, beginning where thou wilt,<br>Tell even us, O goddess, child of Zeus. ** Book 1, line 1 * So in his wrath he spake, and dashed to earth<br>The staff, and burst out crying. Pity fell<br>On all the people, then the rest kept silence,<br> And no man had the heart to answer him<br>With angry words: alone Antinous answered:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Telemachus, ungovernable spirit,<br> Thou boaster what is this that thou hast said<br> To shame us, and wouldst fix on us reproach?<br> I tell thee, not with the Achaean suitors<br> But with thy mother lies the fault, for she<br> Is cunning above women. Why, 'tis now<br> The third year, and the fourth is passing fast,<br> Since she began to cheat the Achaeans' hearts<br> Within them. Hope she gives to all, and makes<br> Each man a promise, and sends messages,<br> Although her mind is set on other things.<br> And in her heart she planned this trick besides:<br> She set up in her halls a mighty web,<br> And fell a-weaving; fine of thread it was<br>And very wide; whereon she said to us:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; "My princely suitors, now that good Odysseus<br> Is dead, though ye would speed my marriage on,<br> Have patience yet, till I complete this robe;<br> I would not that my spinning should be wasted;<br> 'Tis prince Laertes' shroud, against the day<br> When the fell doom of death that lays men low<br> Shall strike him down, that of Achaean women<br> Throughout the land no one may count it blame<br> In me, that he should sleep without a shroud,<br> Who in his life had gotten great possessions."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So said she, and our haughty hearts assented.<br> So then by day she wove at that great web,<br>And in the night she bade them set beside her<br> The torches, and unpicked it; thus by craft<br> She fooled the Achæans, and eluded them<br>A three years' space: but when the fourth year came<br> With the returning seasons, then it was<br>One of her women who knew all told us,<br>And her we caught undoing the fine web.<br> And so perforce and sore against her will<br>She finished it. To thee therefore the suitors<br>Return this answer, that thyself mayst know it,<br>And all the Achaeans know it. Send away<br>Thy mother, and command her that she marry<br>Whomso her father bids and she approves.<br>But if she still persistently affronts<br>The sons of the Achæans, counting on<br>The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness; yet<br>In this one thing her scheming is not sound.<br>For men shall eat thy substance and possessions<br>So long as she continues in this mind<br>Which now the gods suggest to her. She wins<br>Herself great glory, but for thee regret<br>For thy much substance. We will neither go<br>To our own lands, nor otherwhere, until<br>She marries of the Achæans whom she will."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Then wise Telemachus replied to him:<br>"Turn out of doors against her will the one<br>Who bore and nursed me? No, Antinous,<br>I cannot do it! And, alive or dead,<br>My father is abroad. It would come hard<br>On me to pay Icarius a big sum<br>As needs I must, if of mine own free will<br>I send her back; for I shall suffer evil<br>From him, her father, and the gods will send<br>Still more; for as she leaves the house, my mother<br>Will call the dread Avengers down, and men<br>Will blame me. I will never speak this word!<br>But, if your heart mislikes it, quit my halls;<br>Make ready other feasts; eat up your own<br>Possessions, gadding round from house to house;<br>Or, if ye think it likelier and better<br>That one man's goods be spoiled without atonement,<br>Well, waste ye them! but I will call upon<br>The everlasting gods, if haply Zeus<br>May grant that deeds of recompense be wrought.<br>Then in this hall should ye die unavenged!"<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So spake Telemachus; and Zeus, whose voice<br>Is heard afar, in answer sent two eagles<br>High flying from the mountain top. ** Book 2, line 80 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Marris, William Sinclair}} [[Category:1873 births]] [[Category:1945 deaths]] [[Category:Civil servants from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:University of Canterbury alumni]] [[Category:University of Durham faculty]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Indian Empire]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Star of India]] mpkplwnrg7vcslhnu58nh2qdq2ryrx6 3944745 3944619 2026-05-24T06:38:29Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey of Homer (1925) */ 3944745 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sir-William-Sinclair-Marris2.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Sinclair Marris|Sir William Sinclair Marris]]''', KCSI, KCIE (9 October 1873 – 12 December 1945) was a British civil servant, colonial administrator, and classical scholar. He was a member of the Indian Civil Service during the British Raj, and later became Vice-Chancellor of the University of Durham. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey of Homer'' (1925) ==== :<small>'''Mysore: Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:EB1911 Tapestry - Fig. 3.png|thumb|The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness.]] * Tell me, O Muse, of that Great Traveller<br>Who wandered far and wide when he had sacked<br>The sacred town of Troy. Of many men<br>He saw the cities and he learned the mind;<br>Ay, and at heart he suffered many woes<br>Upon the sea, intent to save his life<br>And bring his comrades home. Yet even so<br>His men he could not save for all his efforts,<br>For through their own blind wilfulness they perished;<br>The fools! who at up Hyperion's kine;<br>And he bereft them of their homing day.<br>Touching these things, beginning where thou wilt,<br>Tell even us, O goddess, child of Zeus. ** Book 1, line 1 * So in his wrath he spake, and dashed to earth<br>The staff, and burst out crying. Pity fell<br>On all the people, then the rest kept silence,<br> And no man had the heart to answer him<br>With angry words: alone Antinous answered:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Telemachus, ungovernable spirit,<br> Thou boaster what is this that thou hast said<br> To shame us, and wouldst fix on us reproach?<br> I tell thee, not with the Achaean suitors<br> But with thy mother lies the fault, for she<br> Is cunning above women. Why, 'tis now<br> The third year, and the fourth is passing fast,<br> Since she began to cheat the Achaeans' hearts<br> Within them. Hope she gives to all, and makes<br> Each man a promise, and sends messages,<br> Although her mind is set on other things.<br> And in her heart she planned this trick besides:<br> She set up in her halls a mighty web,<br> And fell a-weaving; fine of thread it was<br>And very wide; whereon she said to us:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; "My princely suitors, now that good Odysseus<br> Is dead, though ye would speed my marriage on,<br> Have patience yet, till I complete this robe;<br> I would not that my spinning should be wasted;<br> 'Tis prince Laertes' shroud, against the day<br> When the fell doom of death that lays men low<br> Shall strike him down, that of Achaean women<br> Throughout the land no one may count it blame<br> In me, that he should sleep without a shroud,<br> Who in his life had gotten great possessions."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So said she, and our haughty hearts assented.<br> So then by day she wove at that great web,<br>And in the night she bade them set beside her<br> The torches, and unpicked it; thus by craft<br> She fooled the Achæans, and eluded them<br>A three years' space: but when the fourth year came<br> With the returning seasons, then it was<br>One of her women who knew all told us,<br>And her we caught undoing the fine web.<br> And so perforce and sore against her will<br>She finished it. To thee therefore the suitors<br>Return this answer, that thyself mayst know it,<br>And all the Achaeans know it. Send away<br>Thy mother, and command her that she marry<br>Whomso her father bids and she approves.<br>But if she still persistently affronts<br>The sons of the Achæans, counting on<br>The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness; yet<br>In this one thing her scheming is not sound.<br>For men shall eat thy substance and possessions<br>So long as she continues in this mind<br>Which now the gods suggest to her. She wins<br>Herself great glory, but for thee regret<br>For thy much substance. We will neither go<br>To our own lands, nor otherwhere, until<br>She marries of the Achæans whom she will."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Then wise Telemachus replied to him:<br>"Turn out of doors against her will the one<br>Who bore and nursed me? No, Antinous,<br>I cannot do it! And, alive or dead,<br>My father is abroad. It would come hard<br>On me to pay Icarius a big sum<br>As needs I must, if of mine own free will<br>I send her back; for I shall suffer evil<br>From him, her father, and the gods will send<br>Still more; for as she leaves the house, my mother<br>Will call the dread Avengers down, and men<br>Will blame me. I will never speak this word!<br>But, if your heart mislikes it, quit my halls;<br>Make ready other feasts; eat up your own<br>Possessions, gadding round from house to house;<br>Or, if ye think it likelier and better<br>That one man's goods be spoiled without atonement,<br>Well, waste ye them! but I will call upon<br>The everlasting gods, if haply Zeus<br>May grant that deeds of recompense be wrought.<br>Then in this hall should ye die unavenged!"<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So spake Telemachus; and Zeus, whose voice<br>Is heard afar, in answer sent two eagles<br>High flying from the mountain top. ** Book 2, line 80 * ... I, as I lay dying<br> Upon the sword, raised up my hands to smite her;<br>And shamelessly she turned away, and scorned<br>To draw my eye-lids down or close my mouth,<br>Though I was on the road to Hades' house. ** Book 11, line 420 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Marris, William Sinclair}} [[Category:1873 births]] [[Category:1945 deaths]] [[Category:Civil servants from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:University of Canterbury alumni]] [[Category:University of Durham faculty]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Indian Empire]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Star of India]] 4zfgyjwp0p6cedwzhz5omtjqchycu1p 3944747 3944745 2026-05-24T06:49:58Z Ficaia 3085955 /* The Odyssey of Homer (1925) */ 3944747 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Sir-William-Sinclair-Marris2.jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Sinclair Marris|Sir William Sinclair Marris]]''', KCSI, KCIE (9 October 1873 – 12 December 1945) was a British civil servant, colonial administrator, and classical scholar. He was a member of the Indian Civil Service during the British Raj, and later became Vice-Chancellor of the University of Durham. == Quotes == === Translations === ==== ''The Odyssey of Homer'' (1925) ==== :<small>'''Mysore: Oxford University Press'''</small> [[File:EB1911 Tapestry - Fig. 3.png|thumb|The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness.]] * Tell me, O Muse, of that Great Traveller<br>Who wandered far and wide when he had sacked<br>The sacred town of Troy. Of many men<br>He saw the cities and he learned the mind;<br>Ay, and at heart he suffered many woes<br>Upon the sea, intent to save his life<br>And bring his comrades home. Yet even so<br>His men he could not save for all his efforts,<br>For through their own blind wilfulness they perished;<br>The fools! who at up Hyperion's kine;<br>And he bereft them of their homing day.<br>Touching these things, beginning where thou wilt,<br>Tell even us, O goddess, child of Zeus. ** Book 1, line 1 * So in his wrath he spake, and dashed to earth<br>The staff, and burst out crying. Pity fell<br>On all the people, then the rest kept silence,<br> And no man had the heart to answer him<br>With angry words: alone Antinous answered:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Telemachus, ungovernable spirit,<br> Thou boaster what is this that thou hast said<br> To shame us, and wouldst fix on us reproach?<br> I tell thee, not with the Achaean suitors<br> But with thy mother lies the fault, for she<br> Is cunning above women. Why, 'tis now<br> The third year, and the fourth is passing fast,<br> Since she began to cheat the Achaeans' hearts<br> Within them. Hope she gives to all, and makes<br> Each man a promise, and sends messages,<br> Although her mind is set on other things.<br> And in her heart she planned this trick besides:<br> She set up in her halls a mighty web,<br> And fell a-weaving; fine of thread it was<br>And very wide; whereon she said to us:<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; "My princely suitors, now that good Odysseus<br> Is dead, though ye would speed my marriage on,<br> Have patience yet, till I complete this robe;<br> I would not that my spinning should be wasted;<br> 'Tis prince Laertes' shroud, against the day<br> When the fell doom of death that lays men low<br> Shall strike him down, that of Achaean women<br> Throughout the land no one may count it blame<br> In me, that he should sleep without a shroud,<br> Who in his life had gotten great possessions."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So said she, and our haughty hearts assented.<br> So then by day she wove at that great web,<br>And in the night she bade them set beside her<br> The torches, and unpicked it; thus by craft<br> She fooled the Achæans, and eluded them<br>A three years' space: but when the fourth year came<br> With the returning seasons, then it was<br>One of her women who knew all told us,<br>And her we caught undoing the fine web.<br> And so perforce and sore against her will<br>She finished it. To thee therefore the suitors<br>Return this answer, that thyself mayst know it,<br>And all the Achaeans know it. Send away<br>Thy mother, and command her that she marry<br>Whomso her father bids and she approves.<br>But if she still persistently affronts<br>The sons of the Achæans, counting on<br>The gifts Athene gave her beyond women—<br>Skill in fair handiwork, and clever wit<br>And craft—whereof we never heard the like,<br>Not even in fair-haired Achaean women,<br>Lost ladies of old years, Alcmene, Tyro,<br>Or comely-crowned Mycene; none of these<br>Was like Penelope in shrewdness; yet<br>In this one thing her scheming is not sound.<br>For men shall eat thy substance and possessions<br>So long as she continues in this mind<br>Which now the gods suggest to her. She wins<br>Herself great glory, but for thee regret<br>For thy much substance. We will neither go<br>To our own lands, nor otherwhere, until<br>She marries of the Achæans whom she will."<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; Then wise Telemachus replied to him:<br>"Turn out of doors against her will the one<br>Who bore and nursed me? No, Antinous,<br>I cannot do it! And, alive or dead,<br>My father is abroad. It would come hard<br>On me to pay Icarius a big sum<br>As needs I must, if of mine own free will<br>I send her back; for I shall suffer evil<br>From him, her father, and the gods will send<br>Still more; for as she leaves the house, my mother<br>Will call the dread Avengers down, and men<br>Will blame me. I will never speak this word!<br>But, if your heart mislikes it, quit my halls;<br>Make ready other feasts; eat up your own<br>Possessions, gadding round from house to house;<br>Or, if ye think it likelier and better<br>That one man's goods be spoiled without atonement,<br>Well, waste ye them! but I will call upon<br>The everlasting gods, if haply Zeus<br>May grant that deeds of recompense be wrought.<br>Then in this hall should ye die unavenged!"<br>&nbsp;&nbsp; So spake Telemachus; and Zeus, whose voice<br>Is heard afar, in answer sent two eagles<br>High flying from the mountain top. ** Book 2, line 80 * ... I, as I lay dying<br> Upon the sword, raised up my hands to smite her;<br>And shamelessly she turned away, and scorned<br>To draw my eye-lids down or close my mouth,<br>Though I was on the road to Hades' house. ** Book 11, line 423 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Marris, William Sinclair}} [[Category:1873 births]] [[Category:1945 deaths]] [[Category:Civil servants from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Academics from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:University of Canterbury alumni]] [[Category:University of Durham faculty]] [[Category:Translators from England]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Indian Empire]] [[Category:Knights Commander of the Order of the Star of India]] daikoxp4kdajudpix79jmajnrnqjs23 14 307661 3944589 2026-05-23T21:33:56Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:Translators]]" 3944589 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Translators]] 3gwobaa3bx13xx6lr9vsvholbwylwqd 14 307662 3944596 2026-05-23T21:36:50Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:Universities and colleges in England]]" 3944596 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Universities and colleges in England]] o8we0q16cv414o9iw6pfmopme94azsb 14 307663 3944597 2026-05-23T21:36:53Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:University of Durham]]" 3944597 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:University of Durham]] jhbnfm7vqyxftjsh8e3h7xtby5svig7 14 307664 3944598 2026-05-23T21:37:47Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:University of Canterbury]]" 3944598 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:University of Canterbury]] kfntfu3km82m5n7b7jfixmlexoezw1v 14 307665 3944599 2026-05-23T21:38:27Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:Colleges and universities]]" 3944599 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Colleges and universities]] olrn8lmljbhak8luae9uu21v9l12xd5 0 307666 3944607 2026-05-23T21:50:43Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:Basel Yaldo|Basel Yaldo]]''' (23 May 1970) is an Iraqi prelate of the Chaldean Catholic Church. == Quotes == * We can see for ourselves that one can live Christian hope and joyful communion with the whole Church, despite the difficult conditions we live in. So we will realize that there is no need to flee, emigrate, and that it is nice to live the gift of Christian joy in the places where we were born, and where we met Jesus, listening to the proclamation of the..." 3944607 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Basel Yaldo|Basel Yaldo]]''' (23 May 1970) is an Iraqi prelate of the Chaldean Catholic Church. == Quotes == * We can see for ourselves that one can live Christian hope and joyful communion with the whole Church, despite the difficult conditions we live in. So we will realize that there is no need to flee, emigrate, and that it is nice to live the gift of Christian joy in the places where we were born, and where we met Jesus, listening to the proclamation of the Gospel. ** [https://fides.org/en/news/60426-ASIA_IRAQ_At_World_Youth_Day_in_Krakow_young_Iraqis_will_pray_the_Our_Father_in_Aramaic_before_the_Pope At World Youth Day in Krakow young Iraqis will pray the 'Our Father' in Aramaic before the Pope (12 July 2016) ''Fides News Agency''] == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Yaldo, Basel}} [[Category:1970 births]] [[Category:Catholics from Iraq]] [[Category:Chaldean Catholic bishops]] [[Category:Living people]] 9naecsop4h5vpknjtwxzv3x0kblb1jh 0 307667 3944634 2026-05-23T22:47:01Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:Luca Attanasio|]]''' (23 May 1977 – 22 February 2021) was an Italian diplomat who served as the ambassador to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. == Quotes about Luca Attanasio == *The ambassador was a friend I had met thanks to the Xaverian fathers. He loved the Congo and the Congolese very much. He was in North Kivu on a humanitarian mission. He was a man of peace and great friendship. May his soul rest in peace. **[[Sébastien-Joseph Muyengo Mulombe]], [h..." 3944634 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Luca Attanasio|Luca Attanasio]]''' (23 May 1977 – 22 February 2021) was an Italian diplomat who served as the ambassador to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. == Quotes about Luca Attanasio == *The ambassador was a friend I had met thanks to the Xaverian fathers. He loved the Congo and the Congolese very much. He was in North Kivu on a humanitarian mission. He was a man of peace and great friendship. May his soul rest in peace. **[[Sébastien-Joseph Muyengo Mulombe]], [https://www.fides.org/en/news/69663-AFRICA_DR_CONGO_Testimony_of_the_Bishop_of_Uvira_on_the_prevailing_insecurity_in_particular_due_to_the_struggle_for_land_grabbing Testimony of the Bishop of Uvira on the prevailing insecurity in particular due to the struggle for land grabbing (25 February 2021) ''Fides News Agency''] *I want Ambassador Luca Attanasio’s children to know that their father lives in the many children he helped to be born. Saint Esprit maternity hospital is the tangible sign that life does not die. ** [[w:it:Chiara Castellani|Chiara Castellani]], [https://www.fides.org/en/news/71351-AFRICA_D_R_CONGO_A_maternity_hospital_the_dream_of_Ambassador_Attanasio A maternity hospital, "the dream" of Ambassador Attanasio (22 December 2021) ''Fides News Agency''] *The story of Luca Attanasio is a personal suffering for me. Luca was not only the Italian Ambassador to Kinshasa but he was a friend who often came to visit me. He went everywhere and was very friendly with the population and did so much for the poor in terms of charity. A person like Luca did not deserve what happened to him, it is still a terrible shock to me. **[[Fridolin Ambongo Besungu]], [https://www.fides.org/en/news/74837-AFRICA_DR_CONGO_Cardinal_Ambongo_unscrupulous_greed_is_the_root_of_new_colonialisms Cardinal Ambongo: "unscrupulous greed" is the root of new colonialisms (21 March 2024) ''Fides News Agency'] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Attanasio, Luca}} [[Category:1977 births]] [[Category:People from Lombardy]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Diplomats of Italy]] [[Category:Ambassadors]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Murdered people]] bc0mikr9a7c3opfq3oa9haty3c63vxz 3944638 3944634 2026-05-23T23:00:59Z Gilldragon 2514030 /* Quotes about Luca Attanasio */ 3944638 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Luca Attanasio|Luca Attanasio]]''' (23 May 1977 – 22 February 2021) was an Italian diplomat who served as the ambassador to the Democratic Republic of the Congo. == Quotes about Luca Attanasio == *The ambassador was a friend I had met thanks to the Xaverian fathers. He loved the Congo and the Congolese very much. He was in North Kivu on a humanitarian mission. He was a man of peace and great friendship. May his soul rest in peace. **[[Sébastien-Joseph Muyengo Mulombe]], [https://www.fides.org/en/news/69663-AFRICA_DR_CONGO_Testimony_of_the_Bishop_of_Uvira_on_the_prevailing_insecurity_in_particular_due_to_the_struggle_for_land_grabbing Testimony of the Bishop of Uvira on the prevailing insecurity in particular due to the struggle for land grabbing (25 February 2021) ''Fides News Agency''] *I want Ambassador Luca Attanasio's children to know that their father lives in the many children he helped to be born. Saint Esprit maternity hospital is the tangible sign that life does not die. ** [[w:it:Chiara Castellani|Chiara Castellani]], [https://www.fides.org/en/news/71351-AFRICA_D_R_CONGO_A_maternity_hospital_the_dream_of_Ambassador_Attanasio A maternity hospital, "the dream" of Ambassador Attanasio (22 December 2021) ''Fides News Agency''] *The story of Luca Attanasio is a personal suffering for me. Luca was not only the Italian Ambassador to Kinshasa but he was a friend who often came to visit me. He went everywhere and was very friendly with the population and did so much for the poor in terms of charity. A person like Luca did not deserve what happened to him, it is still a terrible shock to me. **[[Fridolin Ambongo Besungu]], [https://www.fides.org/en/news/74837-AFRICA_DR_CONGO_Cardinal_Ambongo_unscrupulous_greed_is_the_root_of_new_colonialisms Cardinal Ambongo: "unscrupulous greed" is the root of new colonialisms (21 March 2024) ''Fides News Agency'] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Attanasio, Luca}} [[Category:1977 births]] [[Category:People from Lombardy]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Diplomats of Italy]] [[Category:Ambassadors]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] [[Category:Murdered people]] 50keegc3wnh44eaz6ouuaupwndbdvje 4 307668 3944649 2026-05-23T23:41:34Z Kalki 71 Created page with "{{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = Statue of William Whewell at Trinity College, Cambridge.jpg | image1px = 272px | image2 = William Whewell portrait.jpg | image2px = 292px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->We cannot [[observe]] external [[things]] without some degree of [[Thought]]; nor can we reflect upon our Thoughts, without being [[influenced]] in the course of our [[reflection]] by the Things which we have observed. | author = William Whewell }}" 3944649 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = Statue of William Whewell at Trinity College, Cambridge.jpg | image1px = 272px | image2 = William Whewell portrait.jpg | image2px = 292px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->We cannot [[observe]] external [[things]] without some degree of [[Thought]]; nor can we reflect upon our Thoughts, without being [[influenced]] in the course of our [[reflection]] by the Things which we have observed. | author = William Whewell }} qeudl4t3ow4rh7psqxlcsttzfdw1540 0 307669 3944668 2026-05-24T00:23:43Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 created page with 2 quotes from Jeffries Wyman & 1 quote about him 3944668 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Jeffries Wyman}}''' (August 11, 1814 – September 4, 1874) was an American [[physician]], naturalist, professor of anatomy at {{w|Harvard Medical School}} from 1847 to 1874, and curator of the {{w|Peabody Museum of Archaeology and Ethnology}} from 1867 to 1874. He was the president of the {{w|Boston Society of Natural History}} from 1856 to 1874. ==Quotes== * Among [[animals]], two {{w|Organ (biology)|organ}}s or parts, generally speaking, are said to be {{w|Symmetry in biology#Bilateral symmetry|symmetrical}} when they are situated on opposite sides of an axis, and are alike in form and size, but one is the reverse of the other, as is everywhere obvious in those which are right and left. It is not to be understood, however, that this likeness is absolute; for while it very generally true that such right and left parts are alike in size and form, or very nearly so, it occasionally happens that they are very unlike in these respects, still retaining, however, a certain amount of symmetry. We have striking illustrations of this in the claws of many [[Crustacean]]s, as in ''{{w|Astacus}}'' and ''{{w|Fiddler crab|Gelasimus}}'', and in the right and left halves of the body of ''{{w|Bopyrus squillarum|Bopyrus}}''. Among [[:wiktionary:acephalous|Acephalous]] {{w|Mollusca|Mollusc}}s, this difference is in some cases, very remarkable as in ''{{w|Radilolites}}'', ''{{w|Monopleura}}'', etc., where one of the {{w|Valve (mollusca)|valve}}s is conical and spirally twisted, while the other is quite flat, and in its relation to the other valve, resembles the {{w|Operculum (gastropod)|operculum}} of certain {{w|Gastropod}}s. ** {{cite book|title=On Symmetry and Homology in Limbs|location=Boston|publisher=A.A. Kingman|year=1867|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=Nk8aAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA4|page=4}} (45 pages; reprint from the ''{{w|Proceedings of the Boston Society of Natural History}}'', vol. XI, June 5, 1867) * The former dwelling-places of the [[Native Americans in the United States|Aborigines of the United States]] are nowhere more plainly indicated than along the [[Coast|seaboard]], where some of the tribes passed a portion, at least, of each year, in [[hunting]] and [[fishing]]; some no doubt living there permanently, while others, it appears, made visits only at stated periods. ... The {{w|clam}}, the {{w|quahog}}, the {{w|scallop}}, and the [[Oysters|oyster]], entered largely into their [[food]], and the {{w|Midden#Shells|castaway shells of these, piled up in many years}}, have not only become monuments of their sea-shore life, but have largely aided in the preservation of the bones of the animals on which they fed, and also of some of the more perishable implements used in their rude arts. ** {{cite journal|date=January 1868|title=An account of some kjoekkenmoeddings, or shell-heaps, in Maine and Massachusetts|journal=The American Naturalist|volume=1|issue=11|pages=561–584|url=https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/pdf/10.1086/270150}} (quote from p. 562) ==Quotes about Jeffries Wyman== * His most fruitful journey, amid scenes he would often recall with keen delight, was that to {{w|Suriname|Surinam}}. Leaving {{w|Cambridge, Massachusetts|Cambridge}} in the spring of 1856, accompanied by his pupils, Green and Bancroft, we may be sure that immediately upon landing he visited the fish market of Surinam in search of {{w|Four-eyed fish|Anableps}}, to whose unusual mode of gestation his attention had been called two years previous by [https://www.seekingmyroots.com/members/files/G000982.pdf Dr. Cragin, once United States consul] at {{w|Paramaribo}}. In his canoe journey up the Surinam river, besides other objects, he collected specimens of the {{w|Common Surinam toad|Surinam toad}}, [https://books.google.com/books?id=12kWAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA369 whose singular metamorphoses he described]. These were the ''[[:wiktionary:optimum|optima]] {{w|Spolia|spolia}}'' of this journey, though the Indians of the country must have been critically scanned with his observant, trained eye. But his opportunities for extensive study and exploration were hampered by a severe attack of the fever of the country, from which he recovered slowly. ** {{w|Alpheus Spring Packard}}, {{cite book|chapter=Memoir of Jeffries Wyman, 1814-1874, read before the U.S. National Academy of Sciences, April 18, 1878|year=1886|title=Biographical Memoirs of the National Academy of Sciences, Vol. 2|chapter-url=https://books.google.com/books?id=mndUAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA86|pages=75–126}} (quote from p. 86; [http://biographicalmemoirs.org/pdfs/wyman-jeffries.pdf pdf at biographicalmemoirs.org]) ==External links== * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Wyman, Jeffries}} [[Category:1814 births]] [[Category:1874 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Curators]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Members of the United States National Academy of Sciences]] [[Category:Physicians from Massachusetts]] [[Category:Science authors from the United States]] [[Category:Scientists from Massachusetts]] m0r14bc9ki8wh7mgpugydm74m26mmkt 0 307670 3944682 2026-05-24T01:00:04Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "'''[[w:Richmond Lattimore|Richmond Alexander Lattimore]]''' (May 6, 1906 – February 26, 1984) was an American poet and classicist known for his translations of the Greek classics, especially his versions of the ''[[Iliad]]'' and ''[[Odyssey]]''. == Quotes == * I do not think ''nobility'' is a quality to directly strive for; you must write as well as you can, and then see, or let others see, whether or not the result is noble. ** Translator's Note to ''The Iliad of H..." 3944682 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Richmond Lattimore|Richmond Alexander Lattimore]]''' (May 6, 1906 – February 26, 1984) was an American poet and classicist known for his translations of the Greek classics, especially his versions of the ''[[Iliad]]'' and ''[[Odyssey]]''. == Quotes == * I do not think ''nobility'' is a quality to directly strive for; you must write as well as you can, and then see, or let others see, whether or not the result is noble. ** Translator's Note to ''The Iliad of Homer'' (1951) <!-- Compare: [[Matthew Arnold]], ''{{w|On Translating Homer}}'' --> * I wish to thank...all those friends who have sustained me in the belief that this work was worth doing, and refrained from asking “Why do another translation of Homer?”—a question which has no answer for those who do not know the answer already. ** Translator's Note to ''The Iliad of Homer'' (1951) * My forest night is padded soft with paws<br>and lit with yellow eyes. These monsters move<br>by stress of sightless leashes. So my bears,<br>my gentle wolves and leopards, whom I love<br>as a queen loves her slaves, nuzzle my hand,<br>move dark and silent up and down my stairs.<br>The night is full of the soft noise of fur,<br>and here before my doorstep every dawn<br>the lions open lazy eyes and yawn,<br>flex heavy paws, and purr. ** "Notes from the Odyssey: Circe", in ''The Hudson Review'', vol. 21, no. 1 (Spring 1968), pp. 88-89 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I wash the ghosts out of my head,<br>those moths, my moments; the girl-memories,<br>the tides, the teeth, the dreams are all undone.<br>Now I shall wash my hands and go to bed. ** "Notes from the Odyssey: Odysseus", in ''The Hudson Review'', vol. 21, no. 1 (Spring 1968), p. 91 === Translations === ==== ''The Iliad of Homer'' (1951) ==== :<small>'''Chicago: University of Chicago Press'''</small> [[File:Regnault, Henri - Automedon with the Horses of Achilles - 1868 (2).jpg|thumb|Poor wretches,<br>why then did we ever give you to the lord Peleus,<br>a mortal man, and you yourselves are immortal and ageless?<br>Only so that among unhappy men you also might be grieved?<br>Since among all creatures that breathe on earth and crawl on it<br>there is not anywhere a thing more dismal than man is.]] * Sing, goddess, the anger of Peleus’ son Achilleus<br>and its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Achaians,<br>hurled in their multitudes to the house of Hades strong souls<br>of heroes, but gave their bodies to be the delicate feasting<br>of dogs, of all birds, and the will of Zeus was accomplished<br>since that time when first there stood in division of conflict<br>Atreus’ son the lord of men and brilliant Achilleus. ** Book 1, line 1 * Fate is the same for the man who holds back, the same if he fights hard.<br>We are all held in a single honor, the brave with the weaklings.<br>A man dies still if he has done nothing, as one who has done much. ** Book 9, line 318 * But the horses of Aiakides standing apart from the battle<br>wept, as they had done since they heard how their charioteer<br>had fallen in the dust at the hands of murderous Hektor.<br>In truth Automedon, the powerful son of Diores,<br>hit them over and over again with the stroke of the flying<br>lash, or talked to them, sometimes entreating them, sometimes threatening.<br>They were unwilling to go back to the wide passage of Helle<br>and the ships, or back into the fighting after the Achaians,<br>but still as stands a grave monument which is set over<br>the mounded tomb of a dead man or lady, they stood there<br>holding motionless in its place the fair-wrought chariot,<br>leaning their heads along the ground, and warm tears were running<br>earthward from underneath the lids of the mourning horses<br>who longed for their charioteer, while their bright manes were made dirty<br>as they streamed down either side of the yoke from under the yoke pad.<br>As he watched the mourning horses the son of Kronos pitied them,<br>and stirred his head and spoke to his own spirit: “Poor wretches,<br>why then did we ever give you to the lord Peleus,<br>a mortal man, and you yourselves are immortal and ageless?<br>Only so that among unhappy men you also might be grieved?<br>Since among all creatures that breathe on earth and crawl on it<br>there is not anywhere a thing more dismal than man is.” ** Book 17, line 426 ==== [[w:Odyssey (Richmond Lattimore translation)|''The Odyssey of Homer'']] (1965) ==== :<small>'''New York: Harper & Row'''</small> * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many ways, who was driven<br>far journeys, after he had sacked Troy's sacred citadel.<br>Many were they whose cities he saw, whose minds he learned of,<br>many the pains he suffered in his spirit on the wide sea,<br>struggling for his own life and the homecoming of his companions.<br>Even so he could not save his companions, hard though<br>he strove to; they were destroyed by their own wild recklessness,<br>fools, who devoured the oxen of Helios, the Sun God,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. From some point<br>here, goddess, daughter of Zeus, speak, and begin our story. ** Book 1, line 1 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1906 births]] [[Category:1984 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] j43reogn1vo0v4ngf27m5hl1cial3ta 3944683 3944682 2026-05-24T01:01:56Z Ficaia 3085955 3944683 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Richmond Lattimore|Richmond Alexander Lattimore]]''' (May 6, 1906 – February 26, 1984) was an American poet and classicist known for his translations of the Greek classics, especially his versions of the ''[[Iliad]]'' and ''[[Odyssey]]''. == Quotes == * I do not think ''nobility'' is a quality to directly strive for; you must write as well as you can, and then see, or let others see, whether or not the result is noble. ** Translator's Note to ''The Iliad of Homer'' (1951) <!-- Compare: [[Matthew Arnold]], ''{{w|On Translating Homer}}'' --> * I wish to thank...all those friends who have sustained me in the belief that this work was worth doing, and refrained from asking “Why do another translation of Homer?”—a question which has no answer for those who do not know the answer already. ** Translator's Note to ''The Iliad of Homer'' (1951) * My forest night is padded soft with paws<br>and lit with yellow eyes. These monsters move<br>by stress of sightless leashes. So my bears,<br>my gentle wolves and leopards, whom I love<br>as a queen loves her slaves, nuzzle my hand,<br>move dark and silent up and down my stairs.<br>The night is full of the soft noise of fur,<br>and here before my doorstep every dawn<br>the lions open lazy eyes and yawn,<br>flex heavy paws, and purr. ** "Notes from the Odyssey: Circe", in ''The Hudson Review'', vol. 21, no. 1 (Spring 1968), pp. 88-89 * &nbsp;&nbsp; I wash the ghosts out of my head,<br>those moths, my moments; the girl-memories,<br>the tides, the teeth, the dreams are all undone.<br>Now I shall wash my hands and go to bed. ** "Notes from the Odyssey: Odysseus", in ''The Hudson Review'', vol. 21, no. 1 (Spring 1968), p. 91 === Translations === ==== ''The Iliad of Homer'' (1951) ==== :<small>'''Chicago: University of Chicago Press'''</small> [[File:Regnault, Henri - Automedon with the Horses of Achilles - 1868 (2).jpg|thumb|Poor wretches,<br>why then did we ever give you to the lord Peleus,<br>a mortal man, and you yourselves are immortal and ageless?<br>Only so that among unhappy men you also might be grieved?<br>Since among all creatures that breathe on earth and crawl on it<br>there is not anywhere a thing more dismal than man is.]] * Sing, goddess, the anger of Peleus’ son Achilleus<br>and its devastation, which put pains thousandfold upon the Achaians,<br>hurled in their multitudes to the house of Hades strong souls<br>of heroes, but gave their bodies to be the delicate feasting<br>of dogs, of all birds, and the will of Zeus was accomplished<br>since that time when first there stood in division of conflict<br>Atreus’ son the lord of men and brilliant Achilleus. ** Book 1, line 1 * Fate is the same for the man who holds back, the same if he fights hard.<br>We are all held in a single honor, the brave with the weaklings.<br>A man dies still if he has done nothing, as one who has done much. ** Book 9, line 318 * But the horses of Aiakides standing apart from the battle<br>wept, as they had done since they heard how their charioteer<br>had fallen in the dust at the hands of murderous Hektor.<br>In truth Automedon, the powerful son of Diores,<br>hit them over and over again with the stroke of the flying<br>lash, or talked to them, sometimes entreating them, sometimes threatening.<br>They were unwilling to go back to the wide passage of Helle<br>and the ships, or back into the fighting after the Achaians,<br>but still as stands a grave monument which is set over<br>the mounded tomb of a dead man or lady, they stood there<br>holding motionless in its place the fair-wrought chariot,<br>leaning their heads along the ground, and warm tears were running<br>earthward from underneath the lids of the mourning horses<br>who longed for their charioteer, while their bright manes were made dirty<br>as they streamed down either side of the yoke from under the yoke pad.<br>As he watched the mourning horses the son of Kronos pitied them,<br>and stirred his head and spoke to his own spirit: “Poor wretches,<br>why then did we ever give you to the lord Peleus,<br>a mortal man, and you yourselves are immortal and ageless?<br>Only so that among unhappy men you also might be grieved?<br>Since among all creatures that breathe on earth and crawl on it<br>there is not anywhere a thing more dismal than man is.” ** Book 17, line 426 ==== [[w:Odyssey (Richmond Lattimore translation)|''The Odyssey of Homer'']] (1965) ==== :<small>'''New York: Harper & Row'''</small> * Tell me, Muse, of the man of many ways, who was driven<br>far journeys, after he had sacked Troy's sacred citadel.<br>Many were they whose cities he saw, whose minds he learned of,<br>many the pains he suffered in his spirit on the wide sea,<br>struggling for his own life and the homecoming of his companions.<br>Even so he could not save his companions, hard though<br>he strove to; they were destroyed by their own wild recklessness,<br>fools, who devoured the oxen of Helios, the Sun God,<br>and he took away the day of their homecoming. From some point<br>here, goddess, daughter of Zeus, speak, and begin our story. ** Book 1, line 1 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lattimore, Richmond}} [[Category:1906 births]] [[Category:1984 deaths]] [[Category:Translators of Homer]] l0u6xd1rauhgbsmyvqd82qybvncxt25 2 307671 3944689 2026-05-24T02:13:52Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944689 wikitext text/x-wiki . 6t9fg2gmch401ldtk8m7pyzz632ixbb 3944690 3944689 2026-05-24T02:13:58Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944690 wikitext text/x-wiki phoiac9h4m842xq45sp7s6u21eteeq1 3 307672 3944691 2026-05-24T02:14:22Z Tithicies32 3328513 Created page with "." 3944691 wikitext text/x-wiki . 6t9fg2gmch401ldtk8m7pyzz632ixbb 3944692 3944691 2026-05-24T02:14:29Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944692 wikitext text/x-wiki phoiac9h4m842xq45sp7s6u21eteeq1 3 307673 3944716 2026-05-24T04:26:51Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944716 wikitext text/x-wiki . 6t9fg2gmch401ldtk8m7pyzz632ixbb 3944717 3944716 2026-05-24T04:26:57Z Tithicies32 3328513 /* */ 3944717 wikitext text/x-wiki phoiac9h4m842xq45sp7s6u21eteeq1 0 307674 3944753 2026-05-24T07:09:17Z ~2026-31068-22 3328651 Created page with "'''''[[w:What About Mimi?|What About Mimi?]]''''' (2000–2002), is a Canadian animated television series. The show that focuses on Mimi Mortin, a clever, redheaded girl in the sixth grade who lives in the Canadian town of Starfish Bay with two friends, Elaine and Russell, her family, and her rival Sincerity. == Dialogue == Who can follow a dream, What about Me? Who creates the schemes, What About Me? Who can change the world, What About Mimi? Who can find the way, Wh..." 3944753 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:What About Mimi?|What About Mimi?]]''''' (2000–2002), is a Canadian animated television series. The show that focuses on Mimi Mortin, a clever, redheaded girl in the sixth grade who lives in the Canadian town of Starfish Bay with two friends, Elaine and Russell, her family, and her rival Sincerity. == Dialogue == Who can follow a dream, What about Me? Who creates the schemes, What About Me? Who can change the world, What About Mimi? Who can find the way, What About Me? Who can save the day, What About Me? Who can change the world, What About Mimi? What about mimi? I can change the world If I want to What about Me? What about Mimi? == Season 1 == === Second Honeymoon [1.1] === === The Great Campaign [1.2] === === The Stepford Twins [1.3] === === Leapfrog [1.4] === === The Play's the Thing [1.5] === === Into the Woods [1.6] === === Wildthing [1.7] === === Lemonade Kid [1.8] === === The King of Uncool [1.9] === === Summer in the City [1.10] === === Poster Cat [1.11] === === Teacher of the Year [1.12] === === A Star Isn't Born [1.13] === == Season 2 == === Lights, Camera, Action [2.1] === === Jokers Wild [2.2] === === Jellyfish Rule [2.3] === === Get a Job [2.4] === === Cupid's Arrows [2.5] === === The Scoop [2.6] === === High Toon [2.7] === === Deep Sea Mimi [2.8] === === Mr. Blue Eyes [2.9] === === Outta Sync [2.10] === === Museum Mayhem [2.11] === === The Big Sleep Over [2.12] === === Skiing is Believing [2.13] === == Season 3 == === Animal House / Our Little Einstein [3.1] === === The Birthday Present / Close Encounters of the Herbert Kind [3.2] === === Sticky Fingers / Not in My Biosphere [3.3] === === Miss Lonely Hearts / Brock's Robot [3.4] === === Club Mimi / Down on the Farm [3.5] === === Forget Etiquette / This Old House [3.6] === === Iron Guy / Critics Choice [3.7] === === My Fair Brocky / Her Girl Friday [3.8] === === Uniformity / Caddy Girl [3.9] === === The Creeps / Sports Day [3.10] === === A New Leaf / Father's Day [3.11] === === Millionaire Mogul / Block Party [3.12] === === Law & Disorder / Where's the Fire? [3.13] === [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] i3vo4mbg9drxh5qyc8estqtjsgaebeg 3944754 3944753 2026-05-24T07:10:51Z ~2026-31068-22 3328651 3944754 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:What About Mimi?|What About Mimi?]]''''' (2000–2002), is a Canadian animated television series. The show that focuses on Mimi Mortin, a clever, redheaded girl in the sixth grade who lives in the Canadian town of Starfish Bay with two friends, Elaine and Russell, her family, and her rival Sincerity. == Dialogue == Who can follow a dream, What about Me? Who creates the schemes, What About Me? Who can change the world, What About Mimi? Who can find the way, What About Me? Who can save the day, What About Me? Who can change the world, What About Mimi? What about mimi? I can change the world If I want to What about Me? What about Mimi? == Season 1 == === Second Honeymoon [1.1] === === The Great Campaign [1.2] === === The Stepford Twins [1.3] === === Leapfrog [1.4] === === The Play's the Thing [1.5] === === Into the Woods [1.6] === === Wildthing [1.7] === === Lemonade Kid [1.8] === === The King of Uncool [1.9] === === Summer in the City [1.10] === === Poster Cat [1.11] === === Teacher of the Year [1.12] === === A Star Isn't Born [1.13] === == Season 2 == === Lights, Camera, Action [2.1] === === Jokers Wild [2.2] === === Jellyfish Rule [2.3] === === Get a Job [2.4] === === Cupid's Arrows [2.5] === === The Scoop [2.6] === === High Toon [2.7] === === Deep Sea Mimi [2.8] === === Mr. Blue Eyes [2.9] === === Outta Sync [2.10] === === Museum Mayhem [2.11] === === The Big Sleep Over [2.12] === === Skiing is Believing [2.13] === == Season 3 == === Animal House / Our Little Einstein [3.1] === === The Birthday Present / Close Encounters of the Herbert Kind [3.2] === === Sticky Fingers / Not in My Biosphere [3.3] === === Miss Lonely Hearts / Brock's Robot [3.4] === === Club Mimi / Down on the Farm [3.5] === === Forget Etiquette / This Old House [3.6] === === Iron Guy / Critics Choice [3.7] === === My Fair Brocky / Her Girl Friday [3.8] === === Uniformity / Caddy Girl [3.9] === === The Creeps / Sports Day [3.10] === === A New Leaf / Father's Day [3.11] === === Millionaire Mogul / Block Party [3.12] === === Law & Disorder / Where's the Fire? [3.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] r98rz1wv9288awreb8xa6nak5i63q2i 3944764 3944754 2026-05-24T07:37:11Z ~2026-31068-22 3328651 /* Dialogue */ 3944764 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[w:What About Mimi?|What About Mimi?]]''''' (2000–2002), is a Canadian animated television series. The show that focuses on Mimi Mortin, a clever, redheaded girl in the sixth grade who lives in the Canadian town of Starfish Bay with two friends, Elaine and Russell, her family, and her rival Sincerity. == Dialogue == Who can follow a dream, What about Me?<br> Who creates the schemes, What About Me?<br> Who can change the world, What About Mimi? Who can find the way, What About Me?<br> Who can save the day, What About Me?<br> Who can change the world, What About Mimi? What about mimi?<br> I can change the world<br> If I want to What about Me?<br> What about Mimi? == Season 1 == === Second Honeymoon [1.1] === === The Great Campaign [1.2] === === The Stepford Twins [1.3] === === Leapfrog [1.4] === === The Play's the Thing [1.5] === === Into the Woods [1.6] === === Wildthing [1.7] === === Lemonade Kid [1.8] === === The King of Uncool [1.9] === === Summer in the City [1.10] === === Poster Cat [1.11] === === Teacher of the Year [1.12] === === A Star Isn't Born [1.13] === == Season 2 == === Lights, Camera, Action [2.1] === === Jokers Wild [2.2] === === Jellyfish Rule [2.3] === === Get a Job [2.4] === === Cupid's Arrows [2.5] === === The Scoop [2.6] === === High Toon [2.7] === === Deep Sea Mimi [2.8] === === Mr. Blue Eyes [2.9] === === Outta Sync [2.10] === === Museum Mayhem [2.11] === === The Big Sleep Over [2.12] === === Skiing is Believing [2.13] === == Season 3 == === Animal House / Our Little Einstein [3.1] === === The Birthday Present / Close Encounters of the Herbert Kind [3.2] === === Sticky Fingers / Not in My Biosphere [3.3] === === Miss Lonely Hearts / Brock's Robot [3.4] === === Club Mimi / Down on the Farm [3.5] === === Forget Etiquette / This Old House [3.6] === === Iron Guy / Critics Choice [3.7] === === My Fair Brocky / Her Girl Friday [3.8] === === Uniformity / Caddy Girl [3.9] === === The Creeps / Sports Day [3.10] === === A New Leaf / Father's Day [3.11] === === Millionaire Mogul / Block Party [3.12] === === Law & Disorder / Where's the Fire? [3.13] === == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2000s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] tmbl2n6shrcxp155cjkpixr51w8ex88 0 307675 3944761 2026-05-24T07:29:24Z Мит Сколов 2885624 Created page with "'''[[w:Bruce Mazlish|Bruce Mazlish]]''' (September 15, 1923 – November 27, 2016) was an American historian. {{historian-stub}} ==About Mazlish== * ...Another thing that he taught me was that such achievements—or shifts in consciousness, as he liked to call them—do not happen by accident. People must be persuaded. They are often won over less by what one pushes them to understand than by how persuasion is done. ** [[d:Q139447198|Kenneth Weisbrode]]<ref>https://toyn..." 3944761 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Bruce Mazlish|Bruce Mazlish]]''' (September 15, 1923 – November 27, 2016) was an American historian. {{historian-stub}} ==About Mazlish== * ...Another thing that he taught me was that such achievements—or shifts in consciousness, as he liked to call them—do not happen by accident. People must be persuaded. They are often won over less by what one pushes them to understand than by how persuasion is done. ** [[d:Q139447198|Kenneth Weisbrode]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/kenneth-weisbrode-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mazlish, Bruce }} [[Category:1923 births]] cvuauzcgubpovx3b5hi59l31ij8sj5z 3944780 3944761 2026-05-24T08:03:50Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* About Mazlish */ 3944780 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Bruce Mazlish|Bruce Mazlish]]''' (September 15, 1923 – November 27, 2016) was an American historian. {{historian-stub}} ==About Mazlish== * ...Another thing that he taught me was that such achievements—or shifts in consciousness, as he liked to call them—do not happen by accident. People must be persuaded. They are often won over less by what one pushes them to understand than by how persuasion is done. ** [[d:Q139447198|Kenneth Weisbrode]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/kenneth-weisbrode-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> * Professor Mazlish spent nearly his entire career at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where he said his experience teaching European history to young scientists and engineers inspired a lifelong interest in understanding the divide between science and the humanities, a disconnect considered a crisis in academia during the postwar years.<ref>https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/29/books/bruce-mazlish-richard-nixon.html</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mazlish, Bruce }} [[Category:1923 births]] an12qmjti3rqqjhzybjen2khxo8y7w9 3944781 3944780 2026-05-24T08:12:19Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* About Mazlish */ 3944781 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Bruce Mazlish|Bruce Mazlish]]''' (September 15, 1923 – November 27, 2016) was an American historian. {{historian-stub}} ==About Mazlish== * ...Another thing that he taught me was that such achievements—or shifts in consciousness, as he liked to call them—do not happen by accident. People must be persuaded. They are often won over less by what one pushes them to understand than by how persuasion is done. ** [[d:Q139447198|Kenneth Weisbrode]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/kenneth-weisbrode-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> * Professor Mazlish spent nearly his entire career at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where he said his experience teaching European history to young scientists and engineers inspired a lifelong interest in understanding the divide between science and the humanities, a disconnect considered a crisis in academia during the postwar years. * Though not a psychologist, Professor Mazlish belonged to a group of historians and psychoanalysts who came of age between the two world wars sensing that Freudian insights might help illuminate one of history’s most impenetrable regions: the minds of world leaders, whose every decision may affect tens of millions of people. **<ref>https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/29/books/bruce-mazlish-richard-nixon.html</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mazlish, Bruce }} [[Category:1923 births]] 3q6jb9j4e5nlai4oz5zo7fg66pqya3a 3944797 3944781 2026-05-24T09:33:54Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* About Mazlish */ 3944797 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Bruce Mazlish|Bruce Mazlish]]''' (September 15, 1923 – November 27, 2016) was an American historian. {{historian-stub}} ==About Mazlish== * ...Another thing that he taught me was that such achievements—or shifts in consciousness, as he liked to call them—do not happen by accident. People must be persuaded. They are often won over less by what one pushes them to understand than by how persuasion is done. ** [[d:Q139447198|Kenneth Weisbrode]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/kenneth-weisbrode-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> * He took the contradictions in his own thought as inspiration to explore new land, and in my view that indeed makes a real intellectual of our time. ** [[d:Q2162673|Roland Benedikter]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/roland-benedikter-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> * Professor Mazlish spent nearly his entire career at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where he said his experience teaching European history to young scientists and engineers inspired a lifelong interest in understanding the divide between science and the humanities, a disconnect considered a crisis in academia during the postwar years. * Though not a psychologist, Professor Mazlish belonged to a group of historians and psychoanalysts who came of age between the two world wars sensing that Freudian insights might help illuminate one of history’s most impenetrable regions: the minds of world leaders, whose every decision may affect tens of millions of people. **<ref>https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/29/books/bruce-mazlish-richard-nixon.html</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mazlish, Bruce }} [[Category:1923 births]] 0kqvr2xa9wbyyzp6dmilrs25caqgnh4 3944798 3944797 2026-05-24T10:08:24Z Мит Сколов 2885624 3944798 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Bruce Mazlish|Bruce Mazlish]]''' (September 15, 1923 – November 27, 2016) was an American historian. {{historian-stub}} ==Quotes== * Scholarship that pretends to be without passion is a charade-the passion exists although it may be carefully concealed from both the reader and the scholar him/herself.<ref>https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/mono/10.4324/9780203968949-6/introduction-bruce-mazlish</ref> ==About Mazlish== * ...Another thing that he taught me was that such achievements—or shifts in consciousness, as he liked to call them—do not happen by accident. People must be persuaded. They are often won over less by what one pushes them to understand than by how persuasion is done. ** [[d:Q139447198|Kenneth Weisbrode]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/kenneth-weisbrode-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> * He took the contradictions in his own thought as inspiration to explore new land, and in my view that indeed makes a real intellectual of our time. ** [[d:Q2162673|Roland Benedikter]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/roland-benedikter-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> * Professor Mazlish spent nearly his entire career at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where he said his experience teaching European history to young scientists and engineers inspired a lifelong interest in understanding the divide between science and the humanities, a disconnect considered a crisis in academia during the postwar years. * Though not a psychologist, Professor Mazlish belonged to a group of historians and psychoanalysts who came of age between the two world wars sensing that Freudian insights might help illuminate one of history’s most impenetrable regions: the minds of world leaders, whose every decision may affect tens of millions of people. **<ref>https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/29/books/bruce-mazlish-richard-nixon.html</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mazlish, Bruce }} [[Category:1923 births]] cq7odqntrzoky4mpiusd5a2v1afml0e 3944799 3944798 2026-05-24T10:10:33Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Quotes */ 3944799 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Bruce Mazlish|Bruce Mazlish]]''' (September 15, 1923 – November 27, 2016) was an American historian. {{historian-stub}} ==Quotes== * Scholarship that pretends to be without passion is a charade-the passion exists although it may be carefully concealed from both the reader and the scholar him/herself.<ref>https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/mono/10.4324/9780203968949-6/introduction-bruce-mazlish</ref> * The paradox is that capitalist development, with its admitted inequities and horrors, favored an expansive self and vital societies, which carry with them their own virtues.<ref>https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0263276403020001920</ref> ==About Mazlish== * ...Another thing that he taught me was that such achievements—or shifts in consciousness, as he liked to call them—do not happen by accident. People must be persuaded. They are often won over less by what one pushes them to understand than by how persuasion is done. ** [[d:Q139447198|Kenneth Weisbrode]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/kenneth-weisbrode-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> * He took the contradictions in his own thought as inspiration to explore new land, and in my view that indeed makes a real intellectual of our time. ** [[d:Q2162673|Roland Benedikter]]<ref>https://toynbeeprize.org/posts/roland-benedikter-reflections-on-bruce-mazlish/</ref> * Professor Mazlish spent nearly his entire career at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where he said his experience teaching European history to young scientists and engineers inspired a lifelong interest in understanding the divide between science and the humanities, a disconnect considered a crisis in academia during the postwar years. * Though not a psychologist, Professor Mazlish belonged to a group of historians and psychoanalysts who came of age between the two world wars sensing that Freudian insights might help illuminate one of history’s most impenetrable regions: the minds of world leaders, whose every decision may affect tens of millions of people. **<ref>https://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/29/books/bruce-mazlish-richard-nixon.html</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mazlish, Bruce }} [[Category:1923 births]] r6un366bpen6x0qh22zi18fpdck9m11 0 307676 3944762 2026-05-24T07:34:53Z ~2026-31101-03 3328661 Created page with "# [[Rajendra Prasad]] 26 Jan 1950 - 13 May 1962 # [[Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan]] 13 May 1962 - 13 May 1967 # [[Zakir Hussain (politician)|Zakir Hussain]] 13 May 1967 - 3 May 1969 # [[V. V. Giri]]^† 3 May 1969 - 20 Jul 1969 # [[Mohammad Hidayatullah]]^† 20 Jul 1969 - 24 Aug 1969 # [[V. V. Giri]] 24 Aug 1969 - 24 Aug 1974 # [[Fakhruddin Ali Ahmed]] 24 Aug 1974 - 11 Feb 1977 # [[B. D. Jatti]]^†#11 Feb 1977 - 25 Jul 1977 # Neelam Sanj..." 3944762 wikitext text/x-wiki # [[Rajendra Prasad]] 26 Jan 1950 - 13 May 1962 # [[Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan]] 13 May 1962 - 13 May 1967 # [[Zakir Hussain (politician)|Zakir Hussain]] 13 May 1967 - 3 May 1969 # [[V. V. Giri]]^† 3 May 1969 - 20 Jul 1969 # [[Mohammad Hidayatullah]]^† 20 Jul 1969 - 24 Aug 1969 # [[V. V. Giri]] 24 Aug 1969 - 24 Aug 1974 # [[Fakhruddin Ali Ahmed]] 24 Aug 1974 - 11 Feb 1977 # [[B. D. Jatti]]^†#11 Feb 1977 - 25 Jul 1977 # [[Neelam Sanjiva Reddy]] 25 Jul 1977 - 25 Jul 1982 # [[Zail Singh]] 25 Jul 1982 - 25 Jul 1987 # [[R. Venkataraman]] 25 Jul 1987 - 25 Jul 1992 # [[Shankar Dayal Sharma]] 25 Jul 1992 - 25 Jul 1997 # [[K. R. Narayanan]] 25 Jul 1997 - 25 Jul 2002 # [[A. P. J. Abdul Kalam]] 25 Jul 2002 - 25 Jul 2007 # [[Pratibha Patil]] 25 Jul 2007 - 25 Jul 2012 # [[Pranab Mukherjee]] 25 Jul 2012 - 25 Jul 2017 # [[Ram Nath Kovind]] 25 Jul 2017 - 25 Jul 2022 # [[Draupadi Murmu]] 25 Jul 2022 -25 Jul 2025 #[[Javed Khan King]] 25 Jul 2025 - q2axq4t41gfa1msjjc4mzm62lhjn9vu 3944766 3944762 2026-05-24T07:37:51Z ~2026-31101-03 3328661 3944766 wikitext text/x-wiki # [[Rajendra Prasad]] 26 Jan 1950 - 13 May 1962 # [[Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan]] 13 May 1962 - 13 May 1967 # [[Zakir Hussain (politician)|Zakir Hussain]] 13 May 1967 - 3 May 1969 # [[V. V. Giri]]^† 3 May 1969 - 20 Jul 1969 # [[Mohammad Hidayatullah]]^† 20 Jul 1969 - 24 Aug 1969 # [[V. V. Giri]] 24 Aug 1969 - 24 Aug 1974 # [[Fakhruddin Ali Ahmed]] 24 Aug 1974 - 11 Feb 1977 # [[B. D. Jatti]]^†#11 Feb 1977 - 25 Jul 1977 # [[Neelam Sanjiva Reddy]] 25 Jul 1977 - 25 Jul 1982 # [[Zail Singh]] 25 Jul 1982 - 25 Jul 1987 # [[R. Venkataraman]] 25 Jul 1987 - 25 Jul 1992 # [[Shankar Dayal Sharma]] 25 Jul 1992 - 25 Jul 1997 # [[K. R. Narayanan]] 25 Jul 1997 - 25 Jul 2002 # [[A. P. J. Abdul Kalam]] 25 Jul 2002 - 25 Jul 2007 # [[Pratibha Patil]] 25 Jul 2007 - 25 Jul 2012 # [[Pranab Mukherjee]] 25 Jul 2012 - 25 Jul 2017 # [[Ram Nath Kovind]] 25 Jul 2017 - 25 Jul 2022 # [[Draupadi Murmu]] 25 Jul 2022 -25 Jul 2025 #[[Javed Khan King]] 25 Jul 2025 - ==External links== [[Category:Presidents of India|*]] [[Category:Lists of people|India]] nu167l81ed2ksccxks8d49or3ahx733 0 307677 3944791 2026-05-24T09:01:10Z GreenLipstickLesbian 2976939 Wikiquote page for Ellen Neel 3944791 wikitext text/x-wiki Ellen Neel (1916–1966) was a Canadian and woodcarver and artist. Born in Alert Bay, British Columbia, she is credited as one of the only modern female carvers of her era; she advocated for First Nations carvers to introduce modern tools and themes in their work. ==Quotes== * If the art of my people is to take its rightful place alongside other Canadian art, it must be a living medium of expression. We, the Indian artists, must be allowed to create! We must be allowed to use new and modern techniques; new and modern tools; new and modern materials. For in every instance creative capacity has followed the discovery and use of better material. I do not mean that we should discard the old, only that we be allowed to use the new. ** Speaking at the 1948 Conference of Native Indian Affairs, as quoted in {{Cite book |last=Roth |first=Solen |title=Incorporating Culture: How Indigenous People are Reshaping the Northwest Coast Art Industry |page=53 |publisher=UBC Press |year=2018 |isbn=9780774837415}} and {{Cite book |last=Hawker |first=Ronald W. |title=Tales of Ghosts: First Nations Art in British Columbia, 1922-61 |publisher=UBC Press |year=2003 |isbn=9780774850445|page=97}} * Our art continues to live, for not only is it part and parcel of us, it can be a powerful factor in combining the best part of Indian culture into the fabric of a truly Canadian art form. ** Speaking at the 1948 Conference of Native Indian Affairs, as quoted in {{Cite journal |last=Allen |first=Laura J. |date=2024-03-11 |title=Local Fabric: Mid-Century Modernisms, Textile and Fashion Design, and the Northwest Coast, 1940–1967 |url=https://www.mdpi.com/2076-0752/13/2/52 |journal=Arts |language=en |volume=13 |issue=2 |pages=52 |doi=10.3390/arts13020052 |issn=2076-0752}} * In the beginning, the men of the Pacific Coast were born men and the totems were brown totems made of brown wood. With the coming of the white men came other white things also and among these white things was a white rooster ** In a story to accompany a totem pole commissioned by the White Spot restaurant chain, as quoted in {{Cite news |last=Lederman |first=Marsha |date=2017-02-20 |title=Female First Nations artists get their chance to shine |url=https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-globe-and-mail-female-first-nations/197796901/ |access-date=2026-05-18 |work=The Globe and Mail |pages=[https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-globe-and-mail-female-first-nations/197796901/ L2], [https://www.newspapers.com/image/1214990505/?clipping_id=197796971 L4]}} * [My grandfather] used to draw out a drawing and then make me copy it over and over. When my lines wavered, he would draw over them. He said I had to learn to do it his way. Sometimes I would cry. There was so much to learn. These drawings here—they were made when I was only ten or eleven years old—most are my grandfather’s but some are mine. This one is the Thunderbird-under-the sea . . . he has something like scales on . . . you can see my lines underneath and then where he went over the top to show me the right way. He had dozens of variations of the thunderbird and he called each one differently according to the pattern of the painting and carving. ** Neel on training with her grandfather, carver Charlie James, as quoted in {{Cite journal |last=Carolyn Butler Palmer |date=2008 |title=Renegotiating Identity: “Primitivism” in 20th Century Art as Family Narrative |url=https://muse.jhu.edu/content/crossref/journals/frontiers/v029/29.2-3.palmer.html |journal=Frontiers: A Journal of Women Studies |language=en |volume=29 |issue=2-3 |pages=186–223 |doi=10.1353/fro.0.0018 |issn=1536-0334}} ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Women artists]] [[Category:First Nations people]] syy6m9jsc49ibimfl1k5r7l0q6zuf1k 3944792 3944791 2026-05-24T09:02:39Z GreenLipstickLesbian 2976939 +Category:Women from Canada 3944792 wikitext text/x-wiki Ellen Neel (1916–1966) was a Canadian and woodcarver and artist. Born in Alert Bay, British Columbia, she is credited as one of the only modern female carvers of her era; she advocated for First Nations carvers to introduce modern tools and themes in their work. ==Quotes== * If the art of my people is to take its rightful place alongside other Canadian art, it must be a living medium of expression. We, the Indian artists, must be allowed to create! We must be allowed to use new and modern techniques; new and modern tools; new and modern materials. For in every instance creative capacity has followed the discovery and use of better material. I do not mean that we should discard the old, only that we be allowed to use the new. ** Speaking at the 1948 Conference of Native Indian Affairs, as quoted in {{Cite book |last=Roth |first=Solen |title=Incorporating Culture: How Indigenous People are Reshaping the Northwest Coast Art Industry |page=53 |publisher=UBC Press |year=2018 |isbn=9780774837415}} and {{Cite book |last=Hawker |first=Ronald W. |title=Tales of Ghosts: First Nations Art in British Columbia, 1922-61 |publisher=UBC Press |year=2003 |isbn=9780774850445|page=97}} * Our art continues to live, for not only is it part and parcel of us, it can be a powerful factor in combining the best part of Indian culture into the fabric of a truly Canadian art form. ** Speaking at the 1948 Conference of Native Indian Affairs, as quoted in {{Cite journal |last=Allen |first=Laura J. |date=2024-03-11 |title=Local Fabric: Mid-Century Modernisms, Textile and Fashion Design, and the Northwest Coast, 1940–1967 |url=https://www.mdpi.com/2076-0752/13/2/52 |journal=Arts |language=en |volume=13 |issue=2 |pages=52 |doi=10.3390/arts13020052 |issn=2076-0752}} * In the beginning, the men of the Pacific Coast were born men and the totems were brown totems made of brown wood. With the coming of the white men came other white things also and among these white things was a white rooster ** In a story to accompany a totem pole commissioned by the White Spot restaurant chain, as quoted in {{Cite news |last=Lederman |first=Marsha |date=2017-02-20 |title=Female First Nations artists get their chance to shine |url=https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-globe-and-mail-female-first-nations/197796901/ |access-date=2026-05-18 |work=The Globe and Mail |pages=[https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-globe-and-mail-female-first-nations/197796901/ L2], [https://www.newspapers.com/image/1214990505/?clipping_id=197796971 L4]}} * [My grandfather] used to draw out a drawing and then make me copy it over and over. When my lines wavered, he would draw over them. He said I had to learn to do it his way. Sometimes I would cry. There was so much to learn. These drawings here—they were made when I was only ten or eleven years old—most are my grandfather’s but some are mine. This one is the Thunderbird-under-the sea . . . he has something like scales on . . . you can see my lines underneath and then where he went over the top to show me the right way. He had dozens of variations of the thunderbird and he called each one differently according to the pattern of the painting and carving. ** Neel on training with her grandfather, carver Charlie James, as quoted in {{Cite journal |last=Carolyn Butler Palmer |date=2008 |title=Renegotiating Identity: “Primitivism” in 20th Century Art as Family Narrative |url=https://muse.jhu.edu/content/crossref/journals/frontiers/v029/29.2-3.palmer.html |journal=Frontiers: A Journal of Women Studies |language=en |volume=29 |issue=2-3 |pages=186–223 |doi=10.1353/fro.0.0018 |issn=1536-0334}} ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:Women artists]] [[Category:First Nations people]] [[Category:Women from Canada]] 8q0qaia6ue3ua236aysywl5uuzumhd1 3944794 3944792 2026-05-24T09:07:48Z GreenLipstickLesbian 2976939 /* External links */ 3944794 wikitext text/x-wiki Ellen Neel (1916–1966) was a Canadian and woodcarver and artist. Born in Alert Bay, British Columbia, she is credited as one of the only modern female carvers of her era; she advocated for First Nations carvers to introduce modern tools and themes in their work. ==Quotes== * If the art of my people is to take its rightful place alongside other Canadian art, it must be a living medium of expression. We, the Indian artists, must be allowed to create! We must be allowed to use new and modern techniques; new and modern tools; new and modern materials. For in every instance creative capacity has followed the discovery and use of better material. I do not mean that we should discard the old, only that we be allowed to use the new. ** Speaking at the 1948 Conference of Native Indian Affairs, as quoted in {{Cite book |last=Roth |first=Solen |title=Incorporating Culture: How Indigenous People are Reshaping the Northwest Coast Art Industry |page=53 |publisher=UBC Press |year=2018 |isbn=9780774837415}} and {{Cite book |last=Hawker |first=Ronald W. |title=Tales of Ghosts: First Nations Art in British Columbia, 1922-61 |publisher=UBC Press |year=2003 |isbn=9780774850445|page=97}} * Our art continues to live, for not only is it part and parcel of us, it can be a powerful factor in combining the best part of Indian culture into the fabric of a truly Canadian art form. ** Speaking at the 1948 Conference of Native Indian Affairs, as quoted in {{Cite journal |last=Allen |first=Laura J. |date=2024-03-11 |title=Local Fabric: Mid-Century Modernisms, Textile and Fashion Design, and the Northwest Coast, 1940–1967 |url=https://www.mdpi.com/2076-0752/13/2/52 |journal=Arts |language=en |volume=13 |issue=2 |pages=52 |doi=10.3390/arts13020052 |issn=2076-0752}} * In the beginning, the men of the Pacific Coast were born men and the totems were brown totems made of brown wood. With the coming of the white men came other white things also and among these white things was a white rooster ** In a story to accompany a totem pole commissioned by the White Spot restaurant chain, as quoted in {{Cite news |last=Lederman |first=Marsha |date=2017-02-20 |title=Female First Nations artists get their chance to shine |url=https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-globe-and-mail-female-first-nations/197796901/ |access-date=2026-05-18 |work=The Globe and Mail |pages=[https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-globe-and-mail-female-first-nations/197796901/ L2], [https://www.newspapers.com/image/1214990505/?clipping_id=197796971 L4]}} * [My grandfather] used to draw out a drawing and then make me copy it over and over. When my lines wavered, he would draw over them. He said I had to learn to do it his way. Sometimes I would cry. There was so much to learn. These drawings here—they were made when I was only ten or eleven years old—most are my grandfather’s but some are mine. This one is the Thunderbird-under-the sea . . . he has something like scales on . . . you can see my lines underneath and then where he went over the top to show me the right way. He had dozens of variations of the thunderbird and he called each one differently according to the pattern of the painting and carving. ** Neel on training with her grandfather, carver Charlie James, as quoted in {{Cite journal |last=Carolyn Butler Palmer |date=2008 |title=Renegotiating Identity: “Primitivism” in 20th Century Art as Family Narrative |url=https://muse.jhu.edu/content/crossref/journals/frontiers/v029/29.2-3.palmer.html |journal=Frontiers: A Journal of Women Studies |language=en |volume=29 |issue=2-3 |pages=186–223 |doi=10.1353/fro.0.0018 |issn=1536-0334}} ==External links== *{{Wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline|Ellen Neel}} [[Category:Women artists]] [[Category:First Nations people]] [[Category:Women from Canada]] 3amhp4f0kcl8ydctwcbm5eme5g3x22c 0 307678 3944806 2026-05-24T11:00:59Z GrimRob 1187925 Created page with "[[File:Dr Michael Lynch OBE FREng FRS (cropped2).jpg|thumb|The system can sweep individuals away]] '''[[w:Mike Lynch (businessman)|Michael Richard Lynch]]''' ([[16 June]] [[1965]] – [[19 August]] [[2024]]) was a British technology entrepreneur who co-founded [[w:Autonomy Corporation|Autonomy Corporation]], Invoke Capital and [[w:Darktrace|Darktrace]]. The sale of Autonomy to [[w:Hewlett-Packard|Hewlett-Packard]] in 2011 led to accusations of fraud and resulted in civi..." 3944806 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dr Michael Lynch OBE FREng FRS (cropped2).jpg|thumb|The system can sweep individuals away]] '''[[w:Mike Lynch (businessman)|Michael Richard Lynch]]''' ([[16 June]] [[1965]] – [[19 August]] [[2024]]) was a British technology entrepreneur who co-founded [[w:Autonomy Corporation|Autonomy Corporation]], Invoke Capital and [[w:Darktrace|Darktrace]]. The sale of Autonomy to [[w:Hewlett-Packard|Hewlett-Packard]] in 2011 led to accusations of fraud and resulted in civil litigation in the UK in 2019. The case was decided largely in favour of Hewlett-Packard. In 2023, Lynch was extradited to the [[United States]] to face criminal charges. He went on trial in [[San Francisco]] in March 2024 and in June was found not guilty on all counts. Lynch was celebrating his acquittal with a cruise on his family's [[w:superyacht|superyacht]], ''[[w:Bayesian (yacht)|Bayesian]]'', when it sank in a storm off the coast of Sicily on 19 August 2024. Lynch, his daughter and five others died. {{Businesspeople-stub}} == Quotes == * Designing synthesisers was incredible training, because it’s all real time, it’s all assembler code, multiple processors. ** Quoted in [https://archivesit.org.uk/interviews/mike-lynch-obe/ "Interview with Mike Lynch OBE"], ''Archives IT'' (31 January 2017 i) * I have various medical things that would have made it very difficult to survive. If this had gone the wrong way, it would have been the end of life as I have known it in any sense. * The system can sweep individuals away. There needs to be a contrarian possibility that’s saying: ‘Right, well, the whole world thinks you’re guilty but, actually, was that a fair conviction?’ ** Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/business/article/2024/jul/28/cleared-uk-tech-tycoon-feared-he-would-die-in-us-jail-if-convicted-mike-lynch "Cleared UK tech tycoon feared he would die in US jail if convicted"], ''The Guardian'' (28 Jul 2024) * The reason I'm sitting here, let's be honest, is not only because I was innocent... but because I had enough money not to be swept away by a process that's set up to sweep you away. ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4ng14j5vqpo "British tech tycoon: I only got justice because I'm rich"], ''BBC News'' (1 August 2024) == Quotes about Lynch == * He had a remarkable set of personality traits that we rarely see in Britain. Before him there was no [[British]] tech scene. He showed us we can be world-class. ** {{w|David Tabizel}} quoted in [https://news.sky.com/story/lynch-family-devastated-and-being-comforted-by-family-friends-after-deadly-superyacht-sinking-13201040 "'My little angel': Sister of final yacht victim Hannah Lynch speaks for first time since tragedy"], ''Sky News'' (25 August 2024) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lynch, Michael}} 98hnelmjlqvlmexqo5ocznv225fviic 3944808 3944806 2026-05-24T11:02:36Z GrimRob 1187925 +[[Category:1965 births]]; +[[Category:2024 deaths]]; +[[Category:Businesspeople from the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3944808 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Dr Michael Lynch OBE FREng FRS (cropped2).jpg|thumb|The system can sweep individuals away]] '''[[w:Mike Lynch (businessman)|Michael Richard Lynch]]''' ([[16 June]] [[1965]] – [[19 August]] [[2024]]) was a British technology entrepreneur who co-founded [[w:Autonomy Corporation|Autonomy Corporation]], Invoke Capital and [[w:Darktrace|Darktrace]]. The sale of Autonomy to [[w:Hewlett-Packard|Hewlett-Packard]] in 2011 led to accusations of fraud and resulted in civil litigation in the UK in 2019. The case was decided largely in favour of Hewlett-Packard. In 2023, Lynch was extradited to the [[United States]] to face criminal charges. He went on trial in [[San Francisco]] in March 2024 and in June was found not guilty on all counts. Lynch was celebrating his acquittal with a cruise on his family's [[w:superyacht|superyacht]], ''[[w:Bayesian (yacht)|Bayesian]]'', when it sank in a storm off the coast of Sicily on 19 August 2024. Lynch, his daughter and five others died. {{Businesspeople-stub}} == Quotes == * Designing synthesisers was incredible training, because it’s all real time, it’s all assembler code, multiple processors. ** Quoted in [https://archivesit.org.uk/interviews/mike-lynch-obe/ "Interview with Mike Lynch OBE"], ''Archives IT'' (31 January 2017 i) * I have various medical things that would have made it very difficult to survive. If this had gone the wrong way, it would have been the end of life as I have known it in any sense. * The system can sweep individuals away. There needs to be a contrarian possibility that’s saying: ‘Right, well, the whole world thinks you’re guilty but, actually, was that a fair conviction?’ ** Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/business/article/2024/jul/28/cleared-uk-tech-tycoon-feared-he-would-die-in-us-jail-if-convicted-mike-lynch "Cleared UK tech tycoon feared he would die in US jail if convicted"], ''The Guardian'' (28 Jul 2024) * The reason I'm sitting here, let's be honest, is not only because I was innocent... but because I had enough money not to be swept away by a process that's set up to sweep you away. ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4ng14j5vqpo "British tech tycoon: I only got justice because I'm rich"], ''BBC News'' (1 August 2024) == Quotes about Lynch == * He had a remarkable set of personality traits that we rarely see in Britain. Before him there was no [[British]] tech scene. He showed us we can be world-class. ** {{w|David Tabizel}} quoted in [https://news.sky.com/story/lynch-family-devastated-and-being-comforted-by-family-friends-after-deadly-superyacht-sinking-13201040 "'My little angel': Sister of final yacht victim Hannah Lynch speaks for first time since tragedy"], ''Sky News'' (25 August 2024) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Lynch, Michael}} [[Category:1965 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United Kingdom]] b3ve8x9ddl3x4sudli7uw3alv3l0dg8